[Alan Larson]

Hi, Erica and Pat,

Thanks so much for your critiques. I really appreciate all of your time and efforts. You’ve both really helped me improve.

Good luck with your scripts!

Thanks again,

alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 18 – Critique of Each Other’s Scripts

Hi, Erica & Pam,

Congrats on completing all of the other lessons. I think we should all trade critiques with each other, so we each get two critiques.

Erica – I’m ready to exchange whenever you are.

Thanks,

– alan

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 17

Subject: Alan’s Description

What I learned doing this assignment is…focusing on each of these individual assignments one at a time, helps you to dramatically improve your scripts. I went through every single line of description twice and deleted 219 words. While that might not seem like much, after everything else we’ve done in this class, it will make a difference.

FEEDBACK Description:

LINE: Erin wobbles. Her bar stool spins tossing her off. As she falls to the floor, her face WHACKS on the bar.

NEED: This needs to be clear that Erin’s passing out from being drugged. She falls off her swivel bar stool to the floor, smashing her face into the bar along the way, causing her lip to bleed.

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 16

Subject: Alan’s Amazing Opening Scene!

What I learned doing this assignment is…that my original scene still appears to be the best way to start this story, but those three pages could be substantially improved.

Three Other Possible Opening Scenes:

Unique World

The opening scene could start in the sex trafficking world, perhaps having a live auction of women on some private Pacific Island.

Instant Conflict

My book actually starts with the Highland Tavern scene where Rolex Guy roofies Erin, then Jay steps in to save her.

Shocking Scene

A horribly shocking scene would be 13 year-old runaway, Madison Hansen, already sold to and at the semi-truck brothel with a ‘John.’

– I chose to stay with the current opening three pages of the screenplay, which actually just changed/improved in the SU Thriller class I took right before this one. But hopefully, I made several improvements to those pages. I’d appreciate feedback on Jay & Holly’s interacting dialogue.

BEFORE – First Three Pages:

FADE IN:

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – DAY

Upscale restaurant. A printer WHIRRS out a Denver Police Wanted Poster sketch. A scarred hand picks up the poster.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

The scarred hand drops the poster on the hostess stand.

INSERT WANTED POSTER:

WANTED: Person of Interest in five Missing Girl cases. About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athletic build, silver wedding ring. The sketch morphs into —

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

— the matching face of RICHARD MILHOUS “JAY” CROCKETT (30), a bright, creative, athletic Wisecracking Everyman, prone to blurting out the most inappropriate things.

Nervous, sitting at a dark corner table, Jay twists off and on his silver wedding ring. A young woman giggles.

The woman, HOLLY SAMPSON (21), blonde in a red dress and heels, no rings, seated across from Jay faces the bar area. She wipes her mouth with a napkin, then leans forward.

HOLLY

Need to hurry home to the wifey tonight, Jay?

JAY

Hurry home? Only never these days.

HOLLY

Trouble in Paradise?

JAY

Paradise, cha. Why don’t we go drink wine at your place, Holly?

HOLLY

Can’t tonight. Big test tomorrow.

AT BAR

BLAKE (35), a tall blond surfer dude, leers at Holly. He checks his pants cargo pocket. It holds ROHYPNOL.

LATER

Jay and Holly walk to the bar. Jay veers to the men’s room. WAITRESS (18) with a scarred hand stares wild-eyed at Jay.

Holly stops in front of Blake. Blake sidles up to Holly and pats the small bulge in his shirt pocket.

BLAKE

Blue Dream. Won the High Times Cup. Best weed in the world.

Holly’s eyes light up. They smile at each other.

LATER

Blake sits and chats with Holly. Jay walks to Holly. Blake does a double-take at Jay, then turns away.

HOSTESS STAND

CHINOOK HOSTESS (20) and Waitress whisper. They lean and stare as Jay and Holly walk out past them.

Chinook Hostess rapidly shuffles her papers. She yanks out the Wanted poster and points at it. They both nod.

CHINOOK HOSTESS

Definitely him.

EXT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

A classy restaurant in a plain strip mall. Jay walks Holly to her yellow VW Bug. They hug.

HOLLY

I love you, Jay.

JAY

Who’s your daddy?

HOLLY

Why do you always go there, jerk?

JAY

You know why.

Disgusted, Holly pushes him away, climbs into her car and messes with her phone. Jay shuffles away.

Holly opens the door, peeks out after Jay, then sneaks back toward the bistro.

INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Blake and Holly sit on a mattress in the back smoking weed. Blake picks up a flask and hands it to Holly.

BLAKE

Coconut rum. Goes amazing with Blue Dream.

Holly takes a quick sip and tries to hand it back.

BLAKE

No. Give it a good swig.

Holly drinks, then holds the flask up for Blake to drink. He takes the flask, shakes his head and closes the lid.

LATER

Out cold, Holly’s prone. Blake ties her hands and gags her. He climbs into the driver’s seat. The MOTOR STARTS.

EXT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

All the stores sit dark and closed. Holly’s yellow VW sits by itself under a dim streetlight.

EXT. 7205 ROCK CREEK HOUSE – NIGHT

An old rickety three story dump. A sign out front reads — 7205 ROCK CREEK ROAD.

The white Sprinter van parks. Blake carries an unconscious tied-up Holly from the van to the house.

INT. 7205 ROCK CREEK HOUSE BEDROOM – NIGHT

Small and old. Blake ties an unconscious Holly to the bed.

EXT. SMALL RURAL SOUTH DAKOTA TOWN – NIGHT

An older car stops. MADISON HANSEN (13), a slim precocious blonde sporting torn jeans, gets out and quietly closes her door. The car eases away. She scowls and folds her arms.

MADISON

To live or not to live? Which would be less painful?

Sad, she trudges toward an old ranch-style house.

AFTER – First Three Pages:

FADE IN:

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – DAY

Upscale, new. A printer WHIRRS out a Denver Police Wanted Poster sketch. A scarred female hand picks up the poster.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

The scarred hand drops the poster on the hostess stand.

INSERT WANTED POSTER:

WANTED: Person of Interest in five Missing Girl cases. About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athletic build, silver wedding ring. The sketch morphs into —

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

— the matching face of RICHARD MILHOUS “JAY” CROCKETT (30), a bright, creative, athletic Wisecracking Everyman, prone to blurting out the most inappropriate things.

Nervous, sitting at a dark corner table, Jay twists off and on his silver wedding ring. A young woman giggles.

The winsome woman, HOLLY SAMPSON (21), blonde in a red dress and heels, no rings, seated across from Jay faces the bar area. She crosses her arms, then leans back.

HOLLY

Sooo…what’s the status with the wifey today, Jay?

JAY

Same, same.

HOLLY

You need to make a decision.

JAY

Not tonight, Holly. Please? Let’s go to your place. Have more wine.

HOLLY

Not tonight. Big test tomorrow.

AT BAR

BLAKE (35), a tall blond surfer dude, leers at Holly. He checks his cargo pants pocket. It holds ROHYPNOL.

LATER

Jay and Holly walk to the bar. Jay veers to the men’s room. WAITRESS (18) stares wild-eyed at Jay. She gasps and covers her mouth with her scarred hand.

Holly stops near Blake. Blake sidles up to Holly. He pats the small bulge in his shirt pocket.

BLAKE

Blue Dream. Won the High Times Cup. Best weed in the world.

Holly’s eyes light up. They smile at each other.

LATER

Blake sits and chats with Holly. Jay walks toward Holly. Blake does a double-take at Jay, then turns away.

AT HOSTESS STAND

CHINOOK HOSTESS (20) and Waitress whisper conspiratorially. They sneak stares as Holly and Jay walk out past them.

Chinook Hostess rifles through her papers. She yanks out the Wanted Poster sketch. They both nod.

WAITRESS

Definitely him. Call the cops.

EXT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

A strip mall. Jay walks Holly to her yellow VW Bug. They hug.

HOLLY

I love you, Jay.

JAY

Who’s your daddy?

HOLLY

Why do you always go there, jerk?

JAY

You know why.

Disgusted, Holly pushes him away, climbs into her car and messes with her phone. Dejected, Jay shuffles away.

Holly opens her car door, peeks out after Jay, then sneaks back toward the bistro.

INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Blake and Holly sit on a mattress in the back smoking weed. Blake picks up a flask and hands it to Holly.

BLAKE

Coconut rum. Goes amazing with Blue Dream.

Holly takes a quick sip and tries to hand it back.

BLAKE

No, no. Give it a good swig.

Holly drinks, then holds the flask up for Blake to drink. He takes the flask, shakes his head and closes the lid.

LATER

Out cold, Holly’s prone. Blake ties her up, then climbs into the driver’s seat. The MOTOR STARTS.

EXT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

All the stores sit dark and closed. Holly’s yellow VW sits by itself under a dim streetlight.

EXT. 7205 ROCK CREEK HOUSE – NIGHT

An old rickety three story dump. A sign out front reads — 7205 ROCK CREEK ROAD.

The white Sprinter van parks. Blake carries an unconscious tied-up Holly from the van to the house.

INT. 7205 ROCK CREEK HOUSE BEDROOM – NIGHT

Small, old. Blake ties an unconscious Holly to the bed.

EXT. OLD RANCH-STYLE HOUSE – NIGHT

A TV flickers inside. An old car stops. MADISON HANSEN (13), a precocious blonde sporting torn jeans, gets out and quietly closes her car door. The car eases away. She pouts.

MADISON

To live or not to live? Which would be less painful?

She scowls and trudges toward the house.

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 15

Subject: Alan’s Amazing 3rd Act

What I learned doing this assignment is…this step made significant improvement to what I thought was already a pretty decent third Act.

Act 1 – Setup Summary

Jay Crockett’s sister Holly sneaks off to smoke the world’s best weed where she gets drugged and abducted. She’s one of several girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang that auctions girls on the dark web.

Act 2 – Setup Summary

The FBI runs a sting at a semi-trailer brothel, believing they will rescue Holly. But, Holly isn’t among the girls rescued from the brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly skyrocket. The FBI tracks down several other girls at an LA Marina, but Holly’s not with them. She’s already been shipped to China for auction.

Act 3 – Current Structural Beats of my 3rd Act

(E6) INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Jay begs his and Holly’s rich FATHER (70s) for money. Their father agrees. Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But their father insists Jay fly to China to verify it’s Holly.

(E8) EXT. Dongguan CHINA PARK – DAY

Jay and his dad’s security chief, DAN (45), fly to China. They win the bid for Holly! But, traffickers pull a bait and switch. They deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.

(E4) INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

After learning from the FBI’s access to the dark web that Holly’s been sold to a Beijing Brother, Jay goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

(E9) LATER

Jay and Chinese helper, PING (30), go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and Ping walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as Ping. In her room, the Ping dressed up as Holly. There, he overpowers a guard and escapes. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

(E6) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.

(E5) INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT

Holly and Dan fly home to safety. Holly swears off ever using drugs again. They phone Holly’s dad. He tells them getting Jay back home doesn’t look good. Holly cries.

(E4) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – NIGHT

With Quinn’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. Quinn phones Jay’s dad who offers Jay a job. Nervous again, Jay flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

IMPROVEMENTS

1. Deleted Jay going to the brothel to verify it’s Holly.

2. Added, Dan, Jay, Ping and two young Chinese women drive to the brothel where they plan to rescue Holly with the help of a brothel Madame and Security Guard. But the two brothel employees back out. They have to abort the plan.

3. Dan knows if they don’t rescue Holly today, they’ll never get another chance. They have to come up with a new plan on the spot. Jay has an idea, but they need $40,000. They only have $30,000.

4. Added more suspense to Holly & Jay escaping the brothel.

5. Added more pain and suffering to Holly’s final scenes.

6. Improved Agent Quinn’s dialogue.

7. Added more danger to Jay and Dan in China. “They have overwatch, too. We’ve been made.” “Now that they know we’re here, we have to be more careful.”

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 14

Subject: Alan’s Most Memorable Line

What I learned doing this assignment is…a single line of memorable dialogue can make a huge improvement to my script.

– I’m rewriting the Highland Tavern scene where Rolex Guy roofies Erin and Jay steps in to stop him from abducting her.

The meaning I want to deliver is: Jay has no idea what he’s stepping into by protecting Erin.

Rolex Guy’s original line to Jay was: Stay out of this.

Rolex Guy’s revised line to Jay: Back off, bumkin. You’re in the deep end of the pool here.

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 13

Subject: Alan loves separating character dialogue!

What I learned doing this assignment is…that separating character dialogue really helps with consistency of the dialogue for characters and helps distinguish their dialogue from one another. For example, I had three characters who combined, said the word “wait” ten times. I kept one character with “wait,” changed one to “hold on,” and the third to “stop.” I made a lot of minor dialogue changes for 17 different characters that in aggregate should make a big difference.

Character Name: JAY CROCKETT

Role: HERO / EVERYMAN

Core Character Traits:

– Smart

– Creative

– Smartass
– Thinks he’s funny

Character Subtext Logline: Will take any risk to save his loved ones.

DIALOGUE CHANGED:

BEFORE: I’ve got to talk to Lacy first. See her face to face. I’ll do that as soon as we get back to Denver.

AFTER: Got to talk to Lacy first. Face to face. Soon as we get back to Denver.

BEFORE: I’m so sorry, Erin.

AFTER: So sorry, Erin.

BEFORE: He was always a cheap deadbeat dad to Mom and me.

AFTER: Always a cheap never-there deadbeat to Mom and me. Always cheap.

BEFORE: What’s the plan?

AFTER: What’s the plan, Dan the Man?

BEFORE: No. The FBI tracked her to a sex trafficking website. She’s been abducted. Being sold to the highest bidder.

AFTER: No. FBI tracked her to a sex trafficking website. Abducted. Being sold to the highest bidder.

BEFORE: (Erin said this – now Jay has the final line in the script.)

AFTER: Actually, legally marry you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Alan Larson.

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 12

Subject: Alan’s Dramatic Scene Transitions

What I learned from doing this assignment is…I was able to convert four scenes to meaningful visual transitions.

Post your most successful example of changing a transition. Give us the two scenes with a Before and After on the transition between them.

The Visual Transition

BEFORE

INT. HIGH-TECH OFFICE LUNCH ROOM – DAY

Modern, well stocked. No people except Jay.

Jay hurries to the coffee pot and pours a cup. A paper taped to the fridge catches his eye. He rips it off and it’s —

— a Wanted Poster sketch of Jay.

Jay snarls in anger and rips it to shreds. Then he sees more of them taped all over the room.

Angry, Jay’s hands curl into fists.

INT. BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

BOSS (45), stern, sits at her desk. Jay sits in front of her.

AFTER

INT. HIGH-TECH OFFICE LUNCH ROOM – DAY

Modern, well stocked. No people except Jay.

Jay hurries to the coffee pot and pours a cup. A paper taped to the fridge catches his eye. He rips it off and it’s — a Wanted Poster sketch of Jay. His hands curl into fists.

Jay snarls and rips it to shreds. Then he focuses on the microwave where there’s taped another Wanted Poster.

INT. BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

A Wanted Poster sketch of Jay in her hand, BOSS (45), stern, sits at her desk. Jay sits in front of her.

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 11

Subject: Alan’s Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned from doing this assignment is…improving the scene structure can really add to the suspense for the reader/audience.

(NOTE: I chose two short scenes, so instead of writing out beats, I simply rewrote the scene each time.)

MINOR SCENE – MAJOR IMPROVEMENT

2) Components: Advances the plot to show Madison traveling to Denver.

ORIGINAL:

INT. BUS – NIGHT – MOVING

Madison sleeps curled up in a window seat.

SUPERIOR POSITION:

INT. BUS – NIGHT – MOVING

Naïve and innocent, Madison sleeps curled up in a window seat.

Across the aisle, a sleazy CREEPER (40) leers at her.

TWIST:

INT. BUS – NIGHT – MOVING

Comfortable, Madison peacefully sleeps curled up in a window seat.

A sleazy CREEPER (40) sneaks down the aisle, slips into the seat next to her, leers at her and rubs his hands together.

Suspense/Surprise:

INT. BUS – NIGHT

Dark, empty, eerie. Curled up all-alone, Madison sleeps in a window seat.

Towering HULK (50) creeps up to her and reaches out.

HULK

(gently shakes her)

Miss. Wake up, Miss. End of the line. You need to change buses.

Madison wakes. Hulk protectively helps her off the bus.

4) Choice: SUSPENSE/SURPRISE

SCENE #2

2) Components: Introduces two major and one minor characters.

ORIGINAL:

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Retro chic, brick walls and a hardwood bar.

Behind the bar, jovial bartender BUCK (40), batters a cocktail shaker with his bear paws.

Buck sets the green appletini in front of ERIN RAYNER (25ish), a smart, trusting, pale brunette wearing a tan sweater and jeans sits on a round backless bar stool.

Seated beside her, ROLEX GUY (40), massive and cunning, wears an Armani suit, gold chains and a gold Rolex.

ROLEX GUY

Fluent in Mandarin. Wow, Erin.

Suspense/Superior Position:

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Retro chic, brick walls and a hardwood bar.

Seated next to a brunette on swivel backless barstools, ROLEX GUY (40), massive and cunning, wears an Armani suit, gold chains and a gold Rolex. He pulls a small silver “GHB” packet from his pocket and hides it hidden under the bar top.

Behind the bar, jovial bartender BUCK (40), uses his bear paws to batter a cocktail shaker.

Buck sets a green appletini in front of the brunette, ERIN RAYNER (25ish), a smart, brave, trusting, pale brunette wearing a tan sweater and jeans.

ROLEX GUY

Fluent in Mandarin. Wow, Erin.

4) Choice: SUSPENSE/SUPERIOR POSITION

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 10

Subject line: Alan’s Meaningful Action

What I learned doing this assignment is…Meaningful Action strengthens scenes and these last few classes have really improved my screenplay. Thank you.

Post that Easy Rewritten scene to the forums.

MEANINGFUL ACTION CHANGE #1

BEFORE:

INT. RURAL BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Spartan. Cracked linoleum floor. An old poster of the Denver skyline hangs on the wall. Madison studies it, then steps up to ambivalent CLERK (70), at the counter.

MADISON

How much for a ticket to Denver?

CLERK

A hundred eighty-nine dollars.

Madison freaks, swallows, then takes out all of her money and lays it on the counter. Clerk hands her a ticket and $11. Madison cringes and shakes her head.

AFTER:

INT. RURAL BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Spartan. Cracked linoleum floor. An old poster of the Denver skyline hangs on the wall. Madison studies it, then steps up to ambivalent CLERK (70), at the counter.

MADISON

How much for a ticket to Denver?

CLERK

A hundred eighty-nine dollars.

Madison freaks. She takes all the money out of a billfold and lays it on the counter. She holds open the now empty billfold and cringes at it. Clerk hands her a ticket and $11.

MEANINGFUL ACTION CHANGE #2

BEFORE:

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

Sitting at a dark corner table, Jay nervously twists his silver wedding ring. A young woman giggles.

AFTER:

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

Sitting at a dark corner table, Jay nervously twists off and on his silver wedding ring. A young woman giggles.

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 6

Subject line: Alan’s Character Intros

What I learned doing this assignment is…I need to improve all of my character introductions.

1. List the beats of your current character introductions for the lead characters.

JAY CROCKETT – HERO

Before taking your Thriller class last month, Jay’s intro scene was him having a boring dinner with his favorite sister.

ERIN RAYNOR – VICTIM/HEROINE

Erin unknowingly drinks in a bar with the main villain.

2. Select a different type of introduction from this list below for each character.

Types of Introductions
1) Action shows primary traits.
2) Other character’s reaction to this character.
3) Build the Character’s reputation.
4) Character philosophy
5) Situation demands the character.
6) The reveal opening.

JAY CROCKETT – HERO

6) The reveal opening.

ERIN RAYNOR – VICTIM/HEROINE

2) & 3) Other character’s reaction & Build reputation.

3. Write out the beats for each NEW character introduction. Make sure it delivers as much character as possible through the initial action, initial lines of dialogue, initial description and the situation you place the character in.

JAY CROCKETT – HERO

6) The reveal opening (and it’s also a Deception):

– A sketch of Jay’s likeness prints out on a Wanted Poster at a restaurant.

– The sketch morphs into Jay’s face.

– Jay eats dinner with a woman that appears to be having an affair with him.

ERIN RAYNOR – VICTIM/HEROINE

2) & 3) Other character’s reaction & Build reputation:

Erin unknowingly drinks with the villain at a bar.

The villain compliments Erin on her fluency in Mandarin.

The villain roofies Erin.

4. Write a scene that introduces at least one of those characters using the results from #2 and #3.

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Warm brick walls. Nearly empty.

Rolex Guy and a young woman are seated next to each other at the hardwood bar.

Bartender sets an appletini in front of her, ERIN RAYNER (25), a bright, attractive, pale-white-skinned brunette. Seated on a round backless bar stool, she wears a tan sweater and blue jeans.

ROLEX GUY (impressed)

Wow. Fluent in Mandarin and French. Quite impressive.

Rolex Guy slips a silver packet from his suit pocket. He holds the packet under the bar, rips it open and pours the white powder into his left hand.

Rolex Guy nudges Erin and points at the TV with his right hand. Erin gazes up at the TV.

Rolex Guy dumps the white powder into Erin’s green appletini.

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 8

Subject: Alan’s Elevated Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is…even a minor change can dramatically improve the entertainment value of a scene.

Select at least three (3)
scenes in your Beat Sheet that you’d like to improve.

Scene 2 (E5) / Scene 3 (E4) / Scene 4 (E4) / Scene 24 (E4)

Tell us the purpose of each
scene you are improving.

Scene 2 – Misdirection that Jay could be an abductor.

Scene 3 – More misdirection that Jay could be an abductor.

Scene 4 – Setup scene for Holly’s abduction.

Scene 24 – Jay and Lacy break up.

Give us the “before and after”
of the beats you improve.

Scene 2 – Before

The Manager drops the Wanted Sketch on the hostess stand.

Scene 2 – After

A scarred hand drops the Wanted Sketch on the hostess stand.

Scene 3 – Before

Jay and HOLLY SAMPSON (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

Scene 3 – After

Jay and HOLLY SAMPSON (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. WAITRESS (18) with a scarred hand walks by and gives Jay a weird look. Jay and Holly get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom. (The dialogue in the scene needs improvement, too.)

Scene 4 – Before

A tall blond surfer dude, BLAKE (30), chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

Scene 4 – After

A tall blond surfer dude, BLAKE (30) checks the Rohypnol in his cargo pocket, then chats up Holly. He asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

Scene 24 – Before

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

Scene 24 – After

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to instead get her law school paid for by Jay’s dad.

Unbeknownst to them, Rolex Guy drives slowly past their house.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

Give us the updated Beat Sheet
with the improvements you’ve made.

Alan’s Story Beats v.5 – A BLIND EYE

For: My friends who have been victims.

1. (E7) INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT

A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.

2. (E5) INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

A scarred hand drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of JAY CROCKETT (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.

3. (E4) AT BACK TABLE

Jay and HOLLY SAMPSON (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. WAITRESS (18) with a scarred hand walks by and gives Jay a weird look. Jay and Holly get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

4. (E4) AT BAR

A tall blond surfer dude, BLAKE (30), checks the Rohypnol in his cargo pocket, then chats up Holly. He asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

5. (E6) AT HOSTESS STAND

As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.

6. (E9) INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.

7. (E8) INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT

Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old MADISON HANSON.

8. (E4) INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and LACY (35), have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.

9. (E6) INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

Denver Police DETECTIVE JOHN SWOBODA (45), and RACHEL QUINN (40), flash gold badges and talk with the hostess about the sketch.

10. (E6) EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY

Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes with a trucker who propositions her.

11. (E3) INT. BIGGER TOWN BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.

12. (E8) INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, ROLEX GUY (40), buys ERIN RAYNOR (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.

Jay sees Rolex Guy slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Guy carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Guy threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.

13. (E6) LATER

Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. They bring Jay in for questioning.

14. (E6) INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT

Jay walks out in a lineup. CHINOOK HOSTESS (20s) and WAITRESS (18) positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.

15. (E5) INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Here Jay speaks with a slight Irish accent. He stalks the terminal and finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry.” He buys lunch, calls the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She leaves with Jay.

16. (E4) INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.

17. (E7) EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Guy drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.

18. (E7) INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY

Back in Scene 15, Jay was actually…FINN (35), Jay’s Irish doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.

Rolex Guy congratulates Finn and tells him to keep using Jay’s name.

19. (E7) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay learns Holly’s been abducted. He wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.

20. (E4) INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.

21. (E6) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.

22. (E9) EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY

Police find Blake dead in a gully. They investigate. No clues. Another dead end.

23. (E3) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.

24. (E4) INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.

Unbeknownst to them, Rolex Guy drives slowly past their house.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

25. (E6) INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.

26. (E5) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.

27. (E7) LATER

The FBI discovers eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.

Jay learns the Rolex Guy, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.

The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies. It lists her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, who had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.

28. (E6) LATER

The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers plan to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.

29. (E8) EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears a TRUCKER (55) and follows him to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.

30. (E6) INT. FBI VAN – DAY

Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Guy as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.

31. (E7) EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

A truck BROTHEL THUG (40s) finds and chases Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.

32. (E4) INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.

33. (E7) LATER

Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin and Jay agree to sneak off to Mexico without telling the FBI. But Jay lets it leak. Quinn immediately suspects it’s fake. She calls the modeling agent and verifies the job is fake.

34. (E6) LATER

Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA for the fake modeling job as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA. Jay won’t fly. He drives to LA and meets Quinn.

35. (E9) EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY

Traffickers pick Erin up for the fake modeling job in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.

36. (E6) EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY

Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.

37. (E9) LATER

Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives just in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay. They rescue Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.

38. (E6) INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Jay begs his and Holly’s rich FATHER (70s) for money. Their father agrees. Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But their father insists Jay fly to China to verify it’s Holly.

39. (E8) EXT. Dongguan CHINA PARK – DAY

Overcoming his fear of flying, a nervous Jay and his dad’s SECURITY CHIEF (45), fly to China. There, traffickers pull a bait and switch. They deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.

40. (E4) INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.

Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

41. (E9) LATER

Jay and Chinese SECURITY GUY (30), go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as Security Guy. In her room, the Security Guy dressed up as Holly. There, he overpowers a guard and escapes. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

42. (E6) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.

43. (E5) INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT

Holly and Dan fly home to safety. Holly swears off ever using drugs again. They phone Holly’s dad. He tells them getting Jay back home doesn’t look good. Holly cries.

44. (E4) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – NIGHT

With Quinn’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. Quinn phones Jay’s dad who offers Jay a job. Nervous again, Jay flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

THE END

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 7

Subject Line: Alan’s Scene Ratings

What I learned doing this assignment is…it’s incredibly hard to objectively rate the entertainment value of my own scenes. I’ve rated them four times and keep changing the scores.

Results:

High Entertainment Scenes: These are the high intensity action and abduction scenes.

Low Entertainment Scenes: Mostly scenes simply advancing the plot, like Madison buying a bus ticket.

What surprised me? I think I was incredibly hard on myself on the first pass and likely far too generous on the final pass. It’s not a surprise, but the Thriller Map class really improved a lot of these scenes already.

1. First, give us your beat sheet and make sure it is numbered.
That way, you can easily refer to the scenes you want to change.

2. Beginning with the LAST BEAT (at the bottom of the page),
rate it on an Entertainment Scale of E1 (dull) to
E10 (extremely entertaining) and continue to rate each beat
until you reach the top of the page.

With each scene, you are asking the following questions:

A. To what degree does it evoke emotion?
B. To what degree does it intrigue or create curiosity?
C. To what degree does it make us want to read on?
D. To what degree does it divert us from our lives?

Place the rating (E1 – E10) next to the number of that beat.

3. At the top of your work, post your results. What were your high
scenes, your low scenes, and what surprised you?

Alan’s Story Beats v.4 – A BLIND EYE

For: My friends who have been victims.

1. (E7) INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT

A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.

2. (E6) INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of JAY CROCKETT (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.

3. (E5) AT BACK TABLE

Jay and HOLLY SAMPSON (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

4. (E4) AT BAR

A tall blond surfer dude, BLAKE (30), chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

5. (E6) AT HOSTESS STAND

As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.

6. (E9) INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.

7. (E8) INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT

Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old MADISON HANSON.

8. (E4) INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and LACY (35), have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.

9. (E6) INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

Denver Police DETECTIVE JOHN SWOBODA (45), and RACHEL QUINN (40), flash gold badges and talk with the hostess about the sketch.

10. (E6) EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY

Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes with a trucker who propositions her.

11. (E3) INT. BIGGER TOWN BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.

12. (E8) INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, ROLEX GUY (40), buys ERIN RAYNOR (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.

Jay sees Rolex Guy slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Guy carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Guy threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.

13. (E6) LATER

Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. They bring Jay in for questioning.

14. (E6) INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT

Jay walks out in a lineup. CHINOOK HOSTESS (20s) and WAITRESS (18) positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.

15. (E5) INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Here Jay speaks with a slight Irish accent. He stalks the terminal and finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry.” He buys lunch, calls the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She leaves with Jay.

16. (E4) INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.

17. (E7) EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Guy drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.

18. (E7) INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY

Back in Scene 15, Jay was actually…FINN (35), Jay’s Irish doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.

Rolex Guy congratulates Finn and tells him to keep using Jay’s name.

19. (E7) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay learns Holly’s been abducted. He wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.

20. (E4) INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.

21. (E6) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.

22. (E9) EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY

Police find Blake dead in a gully. They investigate. No clues. Another dead end.

23. (E3) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.

24. (E4) INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

25. (E6) INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.

26. (E5) INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.

27. (E7) LATER

The FBI discovers eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.

Jay learns the Rolex Guy, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.

The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies. It lists her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, who had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.

28. (E6) LATER

The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers plan to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.

29. (E8) EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears a TRUCKER (55) and follows him to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.

30. (E6) INT. FBI VAN – DAY

Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Guy as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.

31. (E7) EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

A truck BROTHEL THUG (40s) finds and chases Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.

32. (E4) INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.

33. (E7) LATER

Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin and Jay agree to sneak off to Mexico without telling the FBI. But Jay lets it leak. Quinn immediately suspects it’s fake. She calls the modeling agent and verifies the job is fake.

34. (E6) LATER

Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA for the fake modeling job as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA. Jay won’t fly. He drives to LA and meets Quinn.

35. (E9) EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY

Traffickers pick Erin up for the fake modeling job in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.

36. (E6) EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY

Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.

37. (E9) LATER

Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives just in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay. They rescue Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.

38. (E6) INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Jay begs his and Holly’s rich FATHER (70s) for money. Their father agrees. Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But their father insists Jay fly to China to verify it’s Holly.

39. (E8) EXT. Dongguan CHINA PARK – DAY

Overcoming his fear of flying, a nervous Jay and his dad’s SECURITY CHIEF (45), fly to China. There, traffickers pull a bait and switch. They deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.

40. (E4) INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.

Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

41. (E9) LATER

Jay and Chinese SECURITY GUY (30), go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as Security Guy. In her room, the Security Guy dressed up as Holly. There, he overpowers a guard and escapes. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

42. (E6) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.

43. (E5) INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT

Holly and Dan fly home to safety. Holly swears off ever using drugs again. They phone Holly’s dad. He tells them getting Jay back home doesn’t look good. Holly cries.

44. (E4) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – NIGHT

With Quinn’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. Quinn phones Jay’s dad who offers Jay a job. Nervous again, Jay flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

THE END

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 5

———————
Subject: Alan’s Character Story Beats

What I learned doing this assignment is… I need to strengthen several of my character’s roles so that they are more attractive to potential actors and actresses.

1. Give us their Character Profile.
2. Tell us the character’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each.
3. List out the beats of their story — either with details or broad strokes.
4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
5. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.

A. JAY CROCKETT

REQUIRED:
Role: HERO / EVERYMAN
Core Character Traits:

– Smart

– Creative

– Smartass
– Thinks he’s funny

Character Subtext Logline: Will take any risk to save his loved ones.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Hates his father
Want/Need: Jay wants his father’s love.
Mission/Agenda: To save his sister, Holly, & Erin
Character Arc (if any): Goes from hating his father to working for him
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: His marriage is falling apart.

BEGINNING: He sees white powder dumped into Erin’s drink and decides to try to save her from date rape, but he gets mistaken for his doppelganger sex trafficker.

MIDDLE: He charges blindly ahead trying to help save both his sister, Holly, and Erin from sex traffickers.

END: He masterminds saving Holly, but gets arrested by the Chinese, only to have Quinn negotiate his freedom.

Character Story Beats:

1. Jay and Holly dine at a restaurant and appear to be having an affair.

2. Jay sees white powder dumped into Erin’s drink and decides to try to save her.

3. Quinn mistakes Jay for his doppelganger and arrests him.

4. The restaurant hostess gives a positive ID on Jay’s dinner with Holly.

5. Jay spends the night in jail.

6. Unknowing that Erin wears a wire to entrap him, Jay sees Orlando drive by, he pushes her into her apartment to protect her.

7. Quinn misinterprets this and arrests him again.

8. He tells Quinn he’s Holly’s sister. She releases him.

9. He and Erin look at mugshots, where Jay IDs Blake.

10. Quinn reveals to Erin and Jay that most of the abductions have been by a sophisticated global sex trafficking gang that auctions girls on the dark web.

11. He learns the gang has sold a girl matching Holly’s description to a truck brothel.

12. He goes with Quinn and Erin to the truck stop hoping they can ID the traffickers.

13. Jay overhears truckers talking and follows one to the truck brothel.

14. He pays to be with the new blonde but ends up meeting 13 year-old Madison.

15. Thinking Jay was actually his doppelganger, the FBI team follows Jay to the brothel and arrests him.

16. Quinn arrives, frees Jay and he helps the FBI build their case against the brothel.

17. With the police watching, Jay talks to Madison and learns more details of the gang.

18. Starving, Jay and Erin walk to the diner to get lunch.

19. A brothel thug chases them. Jay tells Erin to run then jumps the thug. But the thug easily subdues Jay and intends to kill him.

20. Quinn arrives just in time to save Jay from the brothel thug.

21. Jay plans to fly to Mexico with Erin for her new modeling job.

22. Jay is shocked when Quinn verifies the modeling job is fake.

23. He tries to convince Erin not to be bait for the police and accept the fake modeling job.

24. Jay drives to California to try to help the police track Erin.

25. Jay and Quinn are horrified that the gang picking up Erin has outsmarted the FBI and abducted Erin.

26. Jay and Quinn arrive at the boat. Jay helps save the girls.

27. Jay begs his and Holly’s rich father for the money to buy Holly. His father agrees.

28. Jay wins the bid. He’s saved Holly.

29. Jay and her father’s Security Chief fly to China to get Holly, but the traffickers pull a bait and switch with another blonde abductee. Holly’s been sold to a Beijing Brothel.

30. Jay and the Security Chief fly to Beijing where they bribe a brothel guard and a Madam to free Holly.

31. On the way to pick up Holly the guard and Madam back out. They need a new plan.

32. Jay comes up with a quick new plan. He and the Security guy bait and switch the Chinese, and barely escape with Holly.

33. Holly’s been constantly drugged. She finally joyfully recognizes Jay. They rejoice.

34. Holly’s passport sets off an alarm at the airport. The police arrest Jay for trafficking.

35. Jay goes to a Chinese prison.

36. Quinn takes custody of him and frees him once they’re out of Chinese airspace.

37. He accepts a job working for his father, then flies to Hawaii for a vacation with Erin paid for by his father.

IMPROVEMENT: Added 33 which brings character emotion and joy to the story.

B. ORLANDO SKODA (ROLEX GUY)

REQUIRED:
Role: VILLAIN / TRAFFICKER GANG LEADER
Core Character Traits:

– Arrogant

– Ruthless

– Physically strong

– Swanky

Character Subtext Logline: Won’t let anything or anyone stop him.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Overly arrogant
Mission/Agenda: To abduct and sell girls.
World View: Take anything you want

BEGINNING: He roofies Erin at a bar and tries to abduct her.

MIDDLE: He sells and delivers several abducted girls to a semi-truck brothel.

END: While trying to smuggle Erin to China, he loses a gun battle with Quinn and dies.

Character Story Beats:

1. He roofies Erin at a bar and tries to abduct her.

2. Jay prevents his abduction of Erin. Orlando threatens to kill Jay.

3. He masterminds the abduction and sale of several girls.

4. He sells and delivers several girls to a semi-truck brothel.

5. He auctions Holly and Erin on the dark web for huge $$$$$.

6. He smuggles Holly to California.

7. He masterminds abducting Erin.

8. As Erin boards the boat, he discovers her phone, throws it in the ocean and slaps her.

9. Having abducted Erin, he tries to smuggle her and several other girls to a cargo ship.

10. Jay and Quinn arrive just in time. There’s a gunfight. Quinn kills him.

(There are three main sex traffickers, so the combined villains’ beats are much longer.)

IMPROVEMENT: Added 3 & 7 to the story to strengthen this villain’s role.

C. ERIN RAYNOR

REQUIRED:
Role: VICTIM / LOVE INTEREST / HEROINE
Core Character Traits:

– Trusting

– Innocent

– Vulnerable

– Determined

– Attractive brunette

– Speaks fluent Mandarin

Character Subtext Logline: Feels trapped in this hellish situation.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Was overly trusting
Mission/Agenda: Save Holly and herself
Character Arc (if any): Goes from being innocent and trusting to shrewd and cunning
World View: Even after everything that happens because of China she still loves China.

BEGINNING: She unknowingly gets roofied and nearly abducted.

MIDDLE: The traffickers are desperate to abduct her and auction her on the dark web.

END: She helps save herself and other girls by sneaking her phone in her bikini bottom.

Character Story Beats:

1. She unknowingly gets roofied and nearly abducted, but Jay saves her.

2. She wears a wire to entrap Jay and sees Orlando drive by.

3. She and Jay look at mugshots.

4. She learns a sophisticated global sex trafficking gang that auctions girls on the dark web desperately wants to abduct and sell her.

5. She goes with Quinn and Jay to the truck stop hoping they can ID the traffickers.

6. Erin accepts a modeling job and plans to fly to Mexico for the job with Jay.

7. Erin’s devastated when Quinn verifies the modeling job is fake. It’s the traffickers.

8. She goes to the fake modeling job to lead the police to the traffickers.

9. The traffickers pick her up in a shielded limo, then lock her in the back. They demand she change into a bikini and leave all her personal items in the limo.

10. Erin sneaks her phone into her bikini bottom, which signals the police when she steps out of the limo onto the boat.

11. Orlando discovers her phone, throws in the ocean, and slaps her.

12. After the shootout, Quinn rescues Erin and the other girls.

13. Erin and Madison grow close in a safe house.

14. Erin meets Jay in Hawaii for a vacation paid for by Jay’s father.

IMPROVEMENT: Added 13 to the story to increase Erin’s role and bring closure for Madison.

D. SPECIAL AGENT RACHEL QUINN

REQUIRED:
Role: THE SAGE / HERO’S MENTOR
Core Character Traits:

– Dedicated

– Stern

– No B.S.

– Expert Marksman

Character Subtext Logline: Sometimes lines must be crossed to achieve good.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Overly aggressive
Mission/Agenda: Save all the missing girls
Secret: She’s divorced
Want/Need: To protect her own 13 year-old daughter.

BEGINNING: Dedicated law officer trying to crack a deluge of missing girl cases.

MIDDLE: Saves Jay from a thug, then begs for Erin’s help to catch the traffickers.

END: Saves Erin and several other girls from the traffickers, then rescues Jay for the third time.

Character Story Beats:

1. A dedicated law officer, she’s trying to crack a deluge of missing girl cases.

2. Finding Jay with Erin and having a matching Wanted sketch of Jay, she brings him in for questioning.

3. She puts Jay in a police lineup, where the restaurant hostess IDs him.

4. With Erin wearing a wire to entrap Jay, she watches Jay jump on top of Erin in her apartment and arrests him again.

5. She learns Jay is Holly’s sister and releases him.

6. She gets Erin and Jay to look at mugshots, where Jay IDs Blake.

7. She arrests Blake, who she believes is the key to finding Holly.

8. She reveals to Erin and Jay that most of the abductions have been by a sophisticated global sex trafficking gang that auctions girls on the dark web.

9. She learns the gang has sold a girl matching Holly’s description to a truck brothel.

10. She brings Erin and Jay to the truck stop hoping they can ID the traffickers.

11. She lets Jay talk to Madison and learns more details of the gang.

12. She rescues Jay from a truck brothel thug.

13. Learning Erin has accepted a modeling job, Quinn immediately suspects it’s fake, then verifies it’s fake.

14. She convinces Erin to accept the fake job and lead them to the traffickers.

15. She arrives at the boat just in time to shoot the traffickers and save the girls.

16. She helps coordinate Jay’s purchase of Holly.

17. She helps negotiate Jay’s freedom from the Chinese, flies over to take custody of him, and frees him once they’re out of Chinese airspace.

IMPROVEMENT: Changed item 13 from a minor character to Quinn bolstering Quinn’s role.

E. HOLLY SAMPSON

REQUIRED:
Role: HERO’S SISTER / ABDUCTEE
Core Character Traits:

– Carefree Party Girl

– Easy-going

– Gullible

– Attractive blonde

Character Subtext Logline: Unlike Jay, she loves their father.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Smokes weed
Character Arc (if any): Goes from being gullible to being worldly.
World View: You Only Live Once

BEGINNING: Carefree college student sneaks out to smoke weed and gets abducted.

MIDDLE: She gets auctioned on the dark web by sex traffickers.

END: She gets rescued by her brother, Jay, and flies home to safety.

Character Story Beats:

1. Jay and Holly dine at a restaurant and appear to be having an affair.

2. Holly smokes weed with Blake, who roofies and abducts her.

3. Holly’s been abducted by sex traffickers.

4. The traffickers auction Holly on the dark web.

5. Holly’s been sold to a truck brothel.

6. Police rescue abductee’s from the truck brothel, but Holly’s not there.

7. Holly’s being smuggled to China for sale.

8. Police believe they’ve rescued both Erin and Holly, but Holly’s not there.

9. Holly’s already been flown to China.

10. Using Holly and Jay’s father’s money, Jay wins the auction to buy Holly back.

11. Jay and her father’s Security Chief fly to China to get Holly, but the traffickers pull a bait and switch with another blonde abductee.

12. Holly’s gets sold to a Beijing Brothel.

13. Jay and the Security guy bait and switch the Chinese, and barely escape with Holly.

14. Holly’s been constantly drugged. She finally joyfully recognizes Jay.

15. Holly’s passport sets off an alarm at the airport. The police arrest Jay for trafficking.

16. Holly flies home to safety with the Security Chief.

IMPROVEMENT: Added 14 which brings more character emotion and joy to her role.

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Sandra,

Great. I’ve numbered the scenes to make it easier to comment on.

Good luck with your move.

Thanks, – alan

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Alan Larson.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 4 – ASSIGNMENT

Subject: Alan’s Character Profiles

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…I need to do a lot more work on improving all of my characters.

ASSIGNMENT

1. Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs and sophisticated global sex trafficking.

2. Create a Character Profile for each of your top five characters.
Include two required items and at least two optional items.

A. JAY CROCKETT

REQUIRED:
Role: HERO / EVERYMAN

Core Character Traits:

– Smart

– Creative

– Smartass
– Thinks he’s funny

Character Subtext Logline: Will take any risk to save his loved ones.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Hates his father

Mission/Agenda: To save his sister, Holly, & Erin

Character Arc (if any): Goes from hating his father to working for him

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: His marriage is falling apart.

CHANGE: Want/Need: Jay wants his father’s love.

This change gives the hero more depth.

B. ORLANDO SKODA (ROLEX GUY)

REQUIRED:
Role: VILLAIN / TRAFFICKER GANG LEADER
Core Character Traits:

– Arrogant

– Ruthless

– Physically strong

– Swanky

Character Subtext Logline: Won’t let anything or anyone stop him.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Overly arrogant

Mission/Agenda: To abduct and sell girls.

CHANGE: World View: Take anything you want

This change gives the character more depth.

C. ERIN RAYNOR

REQUIRED:
Role: VICTIM / LOVE INTEREST / HEROINE
Core Character Traits:

– Trusting

– Innocent

– Vulnerable

– Determined

– Attractive

Character Subtext Logline: Feels trapped in this hellish situation.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Was overly trusting

Mission/Agenda: Save Holly and herself
Character Arc (if any): Goes from being innocent and trusting to shrewd and cunning

CHANGE: World View: Even after everything that happens because of the Chinese, she still loves China.

This change gives the story more balance.

D. SPECIAL AGENT RACHEL QUINN

REQUIRED:
Role: THE SAGE / HERO’S MENTOR
Core Character Traits:

– Dedicated

– Stern

– No B.S.

– Expert Marksman

Character Subtext Logline: Sometimes lines must be crossed to achieve good.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Overly aggressive

Mission/Agenda: Save all the missing girls

Secret: She’s divorced

CHANGE: Want/Need: To protect her own 13 year-old daughter.

This change gives Quinn’s character more depth and motivation.

E. HOLLY SAMPSON

REQUIRED:
Role: HERO’S SISTER / ABDUCTEE
Core Character Traits:

– Accepting

– Easy-going

– Gullible

– Attractive

Character Subtext Logline: Unlike Jay, she loves their father.

OPTIONAL:
Flaw: Smokes weed

World View: You Only Live Once

CHANGE: Character Arc (if any): Goes from being gullible to being worldly.

This change gives the character more depth.

3. Improve at least one item on each
character profile. Place the
change at the bottom of that profile and tell us
how it improved the
character and what it might do for your story.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 3 – ASSIGNMENT 1

Subject: Alan’s Story Beats

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…I’m not sure how long this beat list is supposed to be, but here’s my first pass at it. I think it contains most of the main actions.

1. Give us your logline. A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs and sophisticated global sex trafficking.

2. List the current beats of your script. Number them as I did above.

Alan’s Story Beats v.1 – A BLIND EYE

For: My friends who have been victims.

1. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT

A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.

2. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.

3. AT BACK TABLE

Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

4. AT BAR

A tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

5. AT HOSTESS STAND

As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.

6. INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.

7. INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT

Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.

8. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.

9. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

Denver Police Detective Swoboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.

10. EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY

Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes to Sioux Falls.

11. INT. SIOUX FALLS BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.

12. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.

Jay sees Rolex Creep slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.

13. LATER

Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. They bring Jay in for questioning.

14. INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT

Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.

15. INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.

16. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.

17. EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.

18. INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY

‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s Irish doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.

Rolex Creep congratulates Finn and tells him to keep using Jay’s name.

19. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay learns Holly’s been abducted. He wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.

20. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.

21. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.

22. EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY

Police find Blake dead in a gully.

23. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.

24. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

25. INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.

26. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.

27. LATER

The FBI discovers eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.

Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.

The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies. It lists her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, that had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.

28. LATER

The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. They’re planning to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.

29. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.

30. INT. FBI VAN – DAY

Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.

31. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

A truck brothel thug spies Jay and Erin, and chases them. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.

32. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.

33. LATER

Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI. But the FBI hack a message. The modeling job is fake. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA.

34. EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY

Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.

35. EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY

Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.

36. LATER

Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives just in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay. They rescue Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.

37. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers.

38. EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY

Traffickers pull a bait and switch as they deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.

39. INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.

Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

40. LATER

Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

41. INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.

42. LATER

With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. He flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

THE END

3. Starting from the end, flag the beats that need help.

4. Tell us which beats you separated out and how you’ve changed
each of those beats.

Beat 43 – Feature Quinn to pump up her character. Make Jay super nervous to fly.

Beat 39 – Jay has to overcome his fears and fly to China to verify it’s really Holly.

Beat 38 – Jay has to beg for the money to save Holly.

Beat 34 – Add in that Jay never flies. Fear of flying. He drives to LA.

Beat 33 – Quinn discovers it’s a fake modeling job.

Beat 11 – Changed Sioux Falls to a small town to cost more of Madison’s cash.

Beat 10 – Madison hitchhikes with a trucker who propositions her.

5. Conclude with your new list of beats.

Alan’s Story Beats v.2 – A BLIND EYE

For: My friends who have been victims.

1. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT

A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.

2. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.

3. AT BACK TABLE

Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

4. AT BAR

A tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

5. AT HOSTESS STAND

As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.

6. INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.

7. INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT

Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.

8. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.

9. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

Denver Police Detective Swoboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.

10. EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY

Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes with a trucker who propositions her.

11. INT. BIGGER TOWN BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.

12. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.

Jay sees Rolex Creep slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.

13. LATER

Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. They bring Jay in for questioning.

14. INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT

Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.

15. INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.

16. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.

17. EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.

18. INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY

‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s Irish doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.

Rolex Creep congratulates Finn and tells him to keep using Jay’s name.

19. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay learns Holly’s been abducted. He wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.

20. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.

21. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.

22. EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY

Police find Blake dead in a gully.

23. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.

24. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

25. INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.

26. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.

27. LATER

The FBI discovers eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.

Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.

The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies. It lists her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, that had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.

28. LATER

The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. They’re planning to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.

29. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.

30. INT. FBI VAN – DAY

Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.

31. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

A truck brothel thug spies Jay and Erin, and chases them. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.

32. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.

33. LATER

Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin and Jay agree to sneak off to Mexico without telling the FBI. But Jay lets it leak. Quinn immediately suspects it’s fake. She calls the modeling agent and verifies the job is fake.

34. LATER

Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA. Jay won’t fly. He drives to LA and meets Quinn.

35. EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY

Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.

36. EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY

Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.

37. LATER

Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives just in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay. They rescue Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.

38. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Jay begs his and Holly’s rich father for money. Their father agrees. Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But their father insists Jay fly to China to verify it’s Holly.

39. EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY

Overcoming his fear of flying, a nervous Jay and his dad’s security chief fly to China. There, traffickers pull a bait and switch as they deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.

40. INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.

Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

41. LATER

Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

42. INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.

43. LATER

With Quinn’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. Quinn phones Jay’s dad who offers Jay a job. Nervous again, Jay flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

THE END

[Alan Larson]

Day 2 Assignment:

SUBJECT: Alan’s Basic Structure Version 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is to be open to revising everything.

Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs and sophisticated global sex trafficking.

MAIN CONFLICT: A global sex trafficking gang abducts girls and auctions them on the Dark Web.

VERSION 1:

1. Opening: After having dinner with Jay, Holly Sampson sneaks away to share the world’s best weed, but instead, gets roofied and abducted.

2. Inciting Incident: Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: By page ten, Holly and Erin Raynor have both been drugged by the gang. Holly – abducted. Erin – attempted abduction.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Holly’s one of a recent bevy of girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking ring auctions girls to the highest bidder on the dark web.

5. Mid-Point: The FBI believes they can rescue Holly from a semi-trailer brothel. But, Holly wasn’t among the girls rescued from the brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly & Erin sky-rocket.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The gang outsmarts the FBI and abducts Erin. But Erin sends out a location alert. The FBI rescues Erin and several other girls, but Holly’s not with them. She’s already been shipped to China.

7. Crisis: Using Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the gang. But the gang bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

8. Climax: Jay and Holly’s father’s security team pull a bait and switch on the Beijing Brothel to save Holly. Holly flies back to America, but Chinese police arrest Jay for sex trafficking.

9. Resolution: With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay and he flies to vacation in Hawaii.

ELEVATE the OPENING: Jay & Holly eat at a restaurant.

MAIN PURPOSE: Intro Main Character & Misdirection

1. Jay & Holly go out dancing.

2. Jay & Holly argue about their dad.

3. Jay & Holly jump off a cliff parasailing.

4. Jay & Holly throw snowballs at each other.

5. A WANTED POSTER sketch of Jay’s face prints out at the restaurant where Jay & Holly are eating.

ELEVATE the INCITING INCIDENT: Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her.

MAIN PURPOSE: Showing what the movie is about.

1. Holly gets drugged and abducted.

2. Madison gets abducted.

3. Erin gets drugged and attempted abduction.

4. Jay gets arrested.

5. After seeing Jay and the matching Wanted Poster, the restaurant Hostess calls the police.

VERSION 2:

1. Opening: A Wanted Poster sketch of Jay Crockett as a Person of Interest in five Missing Girl cases prints out and gets placed on a restaurant hostess stand. The poster morphs into Jay’s face as he eats dinner at that restaurant with Holly Sampson.

2. Inciting Incident: Holly sneaks away to share the world’s best weed, but instead, gets roofied and abducted by a Global Sex Trafficking Gang.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: By page ten, Holly and Erin Raynor have both been drugged by the gang. Holly – abducted. Erin – attempted abduction.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Holly’s one of a recent bevy of girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking ring auctions girls to the highest bidder on the dark web.

5. Mid-Point: The FBI believes they can rescue Holly from a semi-trailer brothel. But, Holly wasn’t among the girls rescued from the brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly & Erin sky-rocket.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The gang outsmarts the FBI and abducts Erin. But Erin sends out a location alert. The FBI rescues Erin and several other girls, but Holly’s not with them. She’s already been shipped to China.

7. Crisis: Using Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the gang. But the gang bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

8. Climax: Jay and Holly’s father’s security team pull a bait and switch on the Beijing Brothel to save Holly. Holly flies back to America, but Chinese police arrest Jay for sex trafficking.

9. Resolution: With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay and he flies to vacation in Hawaii.

[Alan Larson]

Day 1 Assignment:

SUBJECT: Alan’s Logline and One Page!

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is there are still lots of improvements I can make to this script.

1. Tell us your current title and
logline.

Title: A BLIND EYE

Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring.

2. Present your current story in
one page, giving us an overview of the story, not the details.

A BLIND EYE

A printer whirs out a Denver Police Wanted Poster sketch that matches and morphs into the face of Denver Everyman, Jay Crockett. Seated in a restaurant, Jay appears to be having an affair with a young blonde, Holly Samson. As they exit, Jay veers to the restroom. Holly stops near the bar. There, Blake offers to smoke the world’s best weed with her. The hostess sees Jay and Holly leave together. She phones the police. Blake and Holly smoke weed. He roofies her and abducts her.

A couple days later, Jay sits alone at a tavern, where he sees a big Rolex Guy drop white powder into a young brunette’s drink. She (Erin) passes out. Jay stops Rolex Guy from carrying her out. Detective Swoboda, and Quinn flash gold shields and question Jay. They show him the Wanted sketch. Jay can’t explain the likeness. They take Jay in for questioning. He’s paraded in a lineup. The restaurant hostess positively IDs Jay. He spends the night in jail. But he gets released the next afternoon.

Jay goes to the bus depot, spots a runaway, Madison, buys her dinner, then abducts her.

Later, Jay goes back to the tavern where Erin thanks him and asks him to walk her home. At Erin’s house, Jay sees Rolex Guy drive by and shoves Erin inside to protect her. But Erin wore a wire to help the police entrap Jay. He was the last person seen with Holly. Turns out, Holly is Jay’s half-sister. To help, Erin and Jay review mugshots. Jay IDs Blake. They learn Blake, Rolex Guy, and Jay’s doppelganger, Finn, are part of a sophisticated global sex trafficking gang that abducts girls and auctions them on the dark web. Holly and Erin both have big money eBay-like pages. The gang lies that Holly’s the porn star who slept with Tiger Woods. Erin’s a pale white ‘spinner’ who speaks fluent mandarin.

Holly and Madison are being held at a house in Denver. Actually, Finn abducted Madison at the bus depot. He used Jay’s name on orders from Rolex Guy. He wants Jay dead.

The FBI learns the gang will be shipping four girls to a semi-truck brothel, including a blonde Holly’s age. Jay and Erin go with Quinn and her FBI team to ID Rolex Guy and rescue Holly. At the truck stop, Jay overhears two truckers. He follows one to the brothel. The FBI raids the truck and saves the four girls, including Madison. But Holly’s not there. She’s been shipped west.

Bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket. Erin gets offered a modeling job. She and Jay plot to fly to Mexico without telling Quinn. But Quinn learns about it. Fake modeling jobs and runaways are the two most common gateways to sex trafficking. The FBI learns Rolex Guy faked the offer, and that Holly might be in LA, too. They convince Erin to accept the modeling job in LA and be tracked by GPS and drones. But Erin insists Jay has to be there, too. They all fly to LA.

The gang picks up Erin in a shielded limo and drives into the limo garage, outsmarting the FBI. The gang orders Erin change into a bikini and leave all personal items in the limo. But Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom. When she steps out of the limo, the FBI tracks her. Quinn and Jay race to save her at Marina Del Rey. They arrive just in time. Quinn shoots Rolex Guy and Finn, saving Erin. But Holly’s already been shipped to Dongguan, the sex capitol of China.

In China, the FBI can only provide limited help. So, Jay convinces Holly’s rich father to buy her on the auction. Her father’s security chief, Dan, and Jay win the bid. They fly to China to get Holly. But, the gang bait and switch Holly with another blonde. They resell Holly to a Beijing brothel.

Dan and his Chinese team bribe two insiders, but on the way to the brothel, the insiders bail. Jay devises a new plan. He and Chinese team member, Ping, pay for Holly’s services. But they bait and switch the brothel. Ping poses as Holly, while Jay leads Holly posing as Ping out. They barely escape. After another setback at the airport, they all arrive safely back in the USA.

[Alan Larson]

Hi, everyone,

1. Name? Alan Larson

2. How many scripts you’ve written? Several and I’m also writing novels.

3. What you hope to get out of the class? I hope to further improve a script that already improved a bunch in their Thriller Map class that I completed in late June.

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I can’t make right turns on my bicycle.

[Alan Larson]

Alan Larson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 15

Subject line: Alan’s Thriller Map – Version 1

Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman repeatedly risks his life attempting to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring.

Alan’s Thriller Map – A BLIND EYE

For: My friends who have been victims.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT

A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, athlete build, silver wedding ring.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman.

At a back corner table, Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

At the bar, a tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.

INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.

INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT

Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.

INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

Denver Police Detective Swaboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.

EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY

Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes to Sioux Falls.

INT. SIOUX FALLS BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Madison buys a bus ticket to Denver. $149. She’s shocked to be almost broke.

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, the Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Jay sees him slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay debates whether to help or not. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. But, Jay won’t let the Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. The Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay.

LATER

Detective Swaboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. Quinn brings Jay in for questioning.

INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT

Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress identify Jay. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.

INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.

INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY

‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.

Blake and the Rolex Creep congratulate Finn and tell him to keep using Jay’s name.

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.

EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.

INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Lacy moved out without talking to Jay. Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.

EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY

Police find Blake dead in a gully.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.

INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay and Holly’s rich dad. Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.

The FBI have eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.

Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.

The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.

EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.

INT. FBI VAN – DAY

Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. She tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.

EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

A truck brothel thug chases after Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

FBI agents verify Holly’s being shipped to China.

Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI. But the FBI hack a message. The modeling job is fake. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA.

EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY

Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.

EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY

Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.

LATER

Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay and rescuing Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers.

EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY

Traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel.

Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

LATER

Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.

LATER

With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay. He flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

THE END

[Alan Larson]

Subject line: Alan’s Thriller Map – Version 3

Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring.

1. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT

A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.

2. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of JAY CROCKETT (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.

3. AT BACK TABLE

Jay and HOLLY SAMPSON (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

4. AT BAR

A tall blond surfer dude, BLAKE (30), chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

5. AT HOSTESS STAND

As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.

6. INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.

7. INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT

Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old MADISON HANSON.

8. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and LACY (35), have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.

9. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

Denver Police DETECTIVE JOHN SWOBODA (45), and RACHEL QUINN (40), flash gold badges and talk with the hostess about the sketch.

10. EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY

Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes with a trucker who propositions her.

11. INT. BIGGER TOWN BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.

12. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, ROLEX GUY (40), buys ERIN RAYNOR (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.

Jay sees Rolex Guy slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Guy carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Guy threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.

13. LATER

Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. They bring Jay in for questioning.

14. INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT

Jay walks out in a lineup. CHINOOK HOSTESS (20s) and WAITRESS (18) positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.

15. INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Here Jay speaks with a slight Irish accent. He stalks the terminal and finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry.” He buys lunch, calls the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She leaves with Jay.

16. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.

17. EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Guy drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.

18. INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY

Back in Scene 15, Jay was actually…FINN (35), Jay’s Irish doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.

Rolex Guy congratulates Finn and tells him to keep using Jay’s name.

19. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay learns Holly’s been abducted. He wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.

20. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.

21. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.

22. EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY

Police find Blake dead in a gully. They investigate. No clues. Another dead end.

23. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.

24. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

25. INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.

26. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.

27. LATER

The FBI discovers eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.

Jay learns the Rolex Guy, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.

The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies. It lists her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, who had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.

28. LATER

The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers plan to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.

29. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears a TRUCKER (55) and follows him to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.

30. INT. FBI VAN – DAY

Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Guy as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.

31. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

A truck BROTHEL THUG (40s) finds and chases Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.

32. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.

33. LATER

Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin and Jay agree to sneak off to Mexico without telling the FBI. But Jay lets it leak. Quinn immediately suspects it’s fake. She calls the modeling agent and verifies the job is fake.

34. LATER

Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA. Jay won’t fly. He drives to LA and meets Quinn.

35. EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY

Traffickers pick Erin up for the fake modeling job in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.

36. EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY

Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.

37. LATER

Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives just in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay. They rescue Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.

38. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Jay begs his and Holly’s rich FATHER (70s) for money. Their father agrees. Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But their father insists Jay fly to China to verify it’s Holly.

39. EXT. Dongguan CHINA PARK – DAY

Overcoming his fear of flying, a nervous Jay and his dad’s SECURITY CHIEF (45), fly to China. There, traffickers pull a bait and switch. They deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.

40. INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.

Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

41. LATER

Jay and Chinese SECURITY GUY (30), go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

42. INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.

43. INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – NIGHT

With Quinn’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. Quinn phones Jay’s dad who offers Jay a job. Nervous again, Jay flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

THE END

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 15v2

Subject line: Alan’s Thriller Map – Version 2

Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring.

Alan’s Thriller Map 2 – A BLIND EYE

For: My friends who have been victims.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT

A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.

At a back corner table, Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

At the bar, a tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.

INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.

INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT

Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.

INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

Denver Police Detective Swoboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.

EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY

Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes to a bigger town.

INT. SOUTH DAKOTA BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.

Jay sees Rolex Creep slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay.

LATER

Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. Quinn brings Jay in for questioning.

INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT

Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.

INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.

EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.

INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY

‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.

Blake and the Rolex Creep congratulate Finn and tell him to keep using Jay’s name.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.

INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.

EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY

Police find Blake dead in a gully.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.

INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.

Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.

The FBI discover eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.

Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.

The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies listing her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, that had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.

The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. They’re planning to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.

EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.

INT. FBI VAN – DAY

Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.

EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

A truck brothel thug spies Jay and Erin, and chases them. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.

Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI. But the FBI hack a message. The modeling job is fake. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA.

EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY

Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.

EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY

Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.

LATER

Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay and rescuing Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers.

EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY

Traffickers pull a bait and switch as they deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.

INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.

Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

LATER

Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.

LATER

With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. He flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

THE END

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 14

Subject line: Alan’s Readable Thriller Map

What I learned is: There are many different methods to making a Thriller more compelling and it is important to use every available aspect.

Alan’s Thriller Map – A BLIND EYE

For: My friends who have been victims.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT

A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, athlete build, silver wedding ring.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman.

At a back corner table, Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.

At the bar, a tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.

As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.

INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT

Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.

INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT

Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.

INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY

Denver Police Detective Swaboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.

EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY

Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes to Sioux Falls.

INT. SIOUX FALLS BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Madison buys a bus ticket to Denver. $149. She’s shocked to be almost broke.

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, the Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Jay sees him slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay debates whether to help or not. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. But, Jay won’t let the Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. The Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay.

LATER

Detective Swaboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. Quinn brings Jay in for questioning.

INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT

Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress identify Jay. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.

INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.

INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY

‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.

Blake and the Rolex Creep congratulate Finn and tell him to keep using Jay’s name.

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.

EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.

INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Lacy moved out without talking to Jay. Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.

EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY

Police find Blake dead in a gully.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT

Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.

INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY

Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay and Holly’s rich dad. Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.

INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY

Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.

INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY

An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.

The FBI have eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.

Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.

The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.

EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.

INT. FBI VAN – DAY

Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. She tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.

EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY

A truck brothel thug chases after Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

FBI agents verify Holly’s being shipped to China.

Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI. But the FBI hack a message. The modeling job is fake. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA.

EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY

Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.

EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY

Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.

LATER

Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay and rescuing Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers.

EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY

Traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY

The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel.

Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

LATER

Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.

INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY

Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.

LATER

With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay. He flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

THE END

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 13

Subject line: Alan’s Misdirection

What I learned is: I’ve added some new misdirection, making the hero the red herring in the opening scenes, but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea or not? I’m worried the viewers might not like him. I definitely need some feedback on this. Thanks.

1. Check these three to see how effectively you used misdirection

A.
The Red Herring character. Just added in a few scenes that make my hero,
Jay, a Red Herring character, at the beginning of the script. Worried that
the audience may not like him. Hmmm.

B.
The Villain’s plan. – Not much misdirection here. The bad guys roofie and
abduct women from early on in the script.

C.
The cover-up for each mystery present as “Reality.” There are a few places where I have
misdirection, but not many.

2. Look through your Thriller Map for a few opportunities to add in misdirection.

A.
Clue Misdirection.

1. After Jay and Holly leave the Chinook Tavern , the hostess pulls out a police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in, no name, and paid with cash. No trail.

2. The police stop by and talk with the hostess about the sketch. Positive ID of Jay.

B.
Character Misdirection.

3. Added in the last assignment – Finn pretends to be Jay.

C.

Dialogue Misdirection.

4. When the hostess talks to the police, she says, “That’s definitely him.”

5. The hostess and waitress pick Jay out of a police lineup. “Yup, that’s him.”

6. The police decide to let Jay walk (free him from jail).

3. Decide on the ones that work and add them to the Thriller Map.

All of the above have been added into my Thriller map.

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 12

Subject line: Alan Gives Great Clues!

What I learned is: I need more clues. Got to work on this assignment some more and come up with some new/better ideas.

1. List out the three or four main mysteries in your story.

· Who abducted Holly Sampson?

· Who abducted Madison Hansen, who did they sell her to and where is she now?

· Who abducted Erin Raynor and where did they take her?

· Who did they sell Holly to and where is she now?

2. Create a list of clues for each of the main mysteries in your story.

· Who abducted Holly Sampson?

1. The ‘world’s best weed guy roofies Holly.

2. He drives off with her in the back of a white Sprinter van.

3. Police have an eBay-like page for Holly.

4. Holly’s eBay page is on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang.

· Who abducted Madison Hansen, who did they sell her to and where is she now?

1. Jay abducts Madison.

2. But it wasn’t Jay, it was Finn.

3. The FBI intercepts a message that the traffickers are selling girls to an Iowa Truck Brothel that fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison.

4. Jay follows a trucker to the brothel looking for Holly.

5. The FBI follows Jay and rescues Madison.

· Who abducted Erin Raynor and where did they take her?

1. The Rolex Creep roofies Erin, but Jay saves her.

2. The Rolex Creep drives by Erin’s apartment.

3. Erin gets offered a modeling job.

4. Ford Models says the modeling job is fake.

5. Erin agrees to act as bait and accepts the job.

6. The traffickers outsmart the FBI and abduct Erin.

7. Erin sneaks her phone into her bikini bottom.

8. The FBI tracks Erin’s phone to the boat.

· Who did they sell Holly to and where is she now?

1. Holly didn’t get shipped to the Iowa Truck Brothel.

2. Madison knows all the eBay girls are shipped west.

3. Holly’s not with Erin and the other rescued girls on the ship.

4. Jay uses Holly’s dad’s money to buy Holly back.

5. But the gang bait and switch Holly with another abductee.

6. The CIA locates Holly in a Beijing Brothel.

7. Jay verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

8. Jay and Holly’s dad’s security team try to steal her back.

3. Decide which clues you want to use and sequence those into clue trails for each mystery.

· Who abducted Holly Sampson?

· The trafficker drives Holly away in a white Sprinter van.

· Police have an eBay-like page for Holly.

· Holly’s eBay page is on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang.

· Who abducted Madison Hansen, who did they sell her to and where is she now?

· The FBI hacks a message that the traffickers are selling girls to an Iowa Truck Brothel that fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison.

· Who abducted Erin Raynor and where did they take her?

· Ford Models says the modeling job is fake.

· Who did they sell Holly to and where is she now?

· Madison knows Holly and all the other eBay girls are shipped west.

· The CIA locates Holly in a Beijing Brothel.

· Jay verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

4. Add the clue trails to your Thriller Map.

5. Give us the latest version of your Thriller Map:

Alan’s Thriller Map – A BLIND EYE

Villain’s Plan 1 – Lure Holly Sampson by offering to smoke the ‘world’s best weed’ with her, roofie her, and abduct her.

OPENING: After having dinner with Jay, Holly Sampson sneaks away to share the world’s best weed, but instead, gets roofied and abducted.

TWIST 1:

· Direction: Holly expects to enjoy smoking weed.

· Twist: Holly gets roofied and abducted.

CLUE: The trafficker drives Holly away in a white Sprinter van.

1. Trust: Jay / Lacy – They’ve been married for three years.

Mystery 1: Who abducted Holly and where did they take her?

2. Distrust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy often doesn’t come home claiming to be studying for law school.

Villain’s Plan 2: At a bar, a trafficker roofies Erin Raynor and plans to abduct her.

Life Threatening 2: A trafficker drugs Erin with a date-rape drug and tries to abduct her.

1. Distrust: Jay / Orlando – Jay sees Orlando put white powder in Erin’s drink.

1. Trust: Jay / Erin – Jay sees neighbor girl, Erin, being roofied and saves her.

TWIST 2:

· Direction: Jay saves a roofied Erin from being raped by the Rolex Creep.

· Twist: The Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay.

2. Distrust: Jay / Orlando – Orlando threatens to kill Jay.

Life Threatening 3: The trafficker threatens to kill Jay for saving Erin.

Mystery 2: Who roofied Erin and why did he threaten Jay’s life?

1. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn comes to investigate who roofied Erin.

2. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn arrests Jay.

3. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn releases Jay from jail.

TWIST 3:

· Direction: Jay walks Erin home, shoves her in the house to protect her.

· Twist: Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay.

2. Distrust Jay / Erin – Erin wears a wire for the police to entrap Jay.

4. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn arrests Jay, again.

Life Threatening 4: The police arrest Jay for Holly’s abduction and jail him.

Life Threatening 5: Madison Hansen is molested by her stepfather.

Mystery 3: Where is runaway Madison going?

Villain’s Plan 3: Traffickers stake out the Denver bus stop hunting for runaways. They find 13 year-old Madison there all alone and offer to buy her lunch. After a nice lunch, they offer her a place to stay. She accepts. They abduct her and plan to sell her to a brothel.

REVEAL: After buying her bus ticket to Denver, Madison is almost broke.

TWIST 4:

· Direction: ‘Jay’ buys Madison lunch and offers her a place to stay.

· Twist: Jay is actually Finn, a sex trafficker, using Jay’s name at Orlando’s instruction.

Life Threatening 6: Finn takes Madison to their hideout and locks her up with several other girls.

REVEAL: Orlando tells Finn to keep using Jay’s name.

INCITING INCIDENT: Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her.

5. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn releases Jay. She’s only trying to find Holly.

3. Trust: Jay / Erin – Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers.

4. Distrust: Jay / Erin – Erin orders Jay to leave and not come back.

3. Distrust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy moves out without talking to Jay.

TWIST 5:

· Direction: Police are sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from the trafficker.

· Twist: The trafficker is found dead in a park gully.

Life Threatening 7: The trafficker Jay identified is found dead in a park gully the next morning.

4. Trust: Jay / Lacy – They’re both worried about Holly.

5. Trust: Jay / Erin – They learn the trafficker’s been murdered, so they review more mugshots for the police.

5. Distrust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s dad.

6. Trust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man.

REVEAL: Lacy is in bed with her lesbian lover.

TWIST 6:

· Direction: Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him at work.

· Twist: There is no Detective Quinn in the Denver police dept. Jay gets fired.

6. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Jay needs Quinn to vouch for him at work, but there is no Detective Quinn on the Denver police force.

7. Trust: Jay / Quinn – REVEAL: Quinn is a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint task force with the Denver Police Department.

Life Threatening 8: Traffickers auction Holly and Erin on the dark web.

CLUE: Police have an eBay-like page for Holly.

CLUE: Holly’s eBay page is on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang.

TURNING POINT 1: Holly’s one of a recent bevy of girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking ring that plans to auction her to the highest bidder on the dark web.

Mystery 4: How can they get Holly back?

3. Distrust: Jay / Orlando – Jay learns Orlando is abducting girls for a dark web sex trafficking gang. Orlando’s gang abducted Holly.

CLUE: The FBI hacks a message that the traffickers are selling girls to an Iowa Truck Brothel that fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison.

Life Threatening 9: The traffickers sell Madison and several other young girls to the trucker brothel and smuggle them to an Iowa truck stop.

TWIST 7:

· Direction: The police and Jay are sure they will rescue Holly in Iowa.

· Twist: Holly’s not there.

MIDPOINT: Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls sold to the Iowa truck brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly sky-rocket.

Mystery 8: If not to Iowa, where did the traffickers take Holly?

CLUE: Madison knows Holly and all the other eBay girls are shipped west.

Life Threatening 10: FBI agents learn Holly’s being shipped off to China.

Life Threatening 11: A truck brothel thug tries to kill Jay and abduct Erin.

TWIST 8:

· Direction: A truck brothel thug captures Jay and will kill him.

· Twist: The Denver detective kills the thug and saves Jay.

Life Threatening 12: The Denver detective shoots/kills the thug.

8. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn saves Jay from the brothel thug.

Villain’s Plan 4: Traffickers offer Erin Raynor a modeling job, which she accepts. They pick her up in a limo at the L.A. airport. But there is no modeling job. Instead Erin is locked in the back of the limo, which is totally insulated to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They smuggle her to a boat bound for China.

Life Threatening 13: Erin gets offered and unknowingly accepts a fake modeling job in Mexico.

CLUE: Ford Models says the modeling job is fake.

9. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Jay hates that Quinn wants to use Erin as bait.

6. Trust: Jay / Erin – They scheme to sneak to Mexico away together.

TWIST 9:

· Direction: Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI.

· Twist: Erin changes her mind and agrees to be bait for the FBI without telling Jay.

Life Threatening 14: After learning it’s a fake, Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the police as bait to catch the traffickers.

10. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn convinces Erin to be bait for the FBI.

7. Distrust: Jay / Erin – Erin blindsides Jay by agreeing to bait for the FBI.

TWIST 10:

· Direction: Erin is being tracked by the FBI and will lead them to Holly.

· Twist: The traffickers use a “shielded” limo and the limo garage.

Life Threatening 15: The traffickers outsmart the police by putting Erin in the back of a ‘shielded’ limo. The police tracking devices don’t work.

Villain’s Plan 5: Sell Holly and Erin on the dark web the highest bidder.

TWIST 11:

· Direction: Erin is directed to leave the limo for the photo shoot without any possessions wearing only a bikini.

· Twist: Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom.

Life Threatening 16: Quinn kills two traffickers at the boat holding Erin and the other abducted women, but not Holly.

11. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn kills Orlando and Finn, saving Erin.

8. Trust: Jay / Erin – Jay & the FBI save Erin from the traffickers.

Life Threatening 17: Holly is smuggled to China and sold on the dark web.

TWIST 12:

· Direction: Jay wins Holly’s auction and goes to pick her up.

· Twist: The traffickers deliver a lookalike instead of Holly.

TURNING POINT 2: Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But the traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

Life Threatening 18: The traffickers double-cross the highest bidder, Jay. They bait and switch Holly for a lookalike abducted girl.

Mystery 6: Where did the traffickers take Holly now?

CLUE: The CIA locates Holly in a Beijing Brothel.

Life Threatening 19: The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly to a Beijing brothel.

CLUE: Jay goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.

Life Threatening 20: Jay and a security expert from Holly’s dad’s company go into the brothel to try to rescue Holly.

TWIST 13:

· Direction: Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel.

· Twist: Holly is disguised as the Security Guy and escapes.

CLIMAX: Jay and Holly’s father’s security team pull a bait and switch on the Beijing Brothel to save Holly. Holly flies back to America, but Chinese police arrest Jay for sex trafficking her.

TWIST 14:

· Direction: Rescued from traffickers, Holly is going to fly home with Jay.

· Twist: Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.

Mystery 7: How will Jay get out of Chinese prison?

RESOLUTION: With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay and he flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 11 – ASSIGNMENT

Subject Line: Alan’s Dramatic Reveals

What I learned is: This assignment really helped me. First, it made me realize that I’d buried a lot of my reveals in telling, instead of showing. Then it inspired me to create a completely new TWIST with a REVEAL that should have a big impact on the viewer. THANKS!

Create trust / distrust relationships between your characters and add them to your Thriller Map.

1. Make a list of important reveals you want the audience to experience:

Reveals:

1. Holly gets roofied.

2. Erin gets roofied.

3. Orlando threatens to kill Jay

4. The cops think Jay abducted Holly.

5. Erin wore a wire to entrap Jay.

6. Jay is Holly’s half-brother. Jay’s doppelganger is the trafficker.

7. Jay identifies a trafficker from the mugshots.

8. Madison gets molested by her stepfather.

9. Madison uses almost all of her money for the bus ticket to Denver – broke.

10. There’s a sex trafficking gang abducting girls in Denver.

11. The gang auctions women on the dark web.

12. At the bus station, Jay offers Madison a place to stay overnight. But it’s not Jay, it’s his doppelgänger, Finn.

13. Jay finally goes home to discover his wife has left him.

14. Quinn doesn’t work for the Denver police department, which costs Jay his job. Quinn is a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint task force.

15. The police arrest the World’s Best Weed trafficker. He tells them nothing and gets released on a huge bail.

16. The trafficker is found dead in a park gully the next morning.

17. Holly and Erin are being auctioned on the dark web.

18. The police intercept a message about abducted Denver girls being delivered to a truck stop in Iowa.

19. The traffickers sell Madison and several other young girls to the trucker brothel and smuggle them to an Iowa truck stop.

20. Erin and Jay go with the police to Iowa to see if they can ID the traffickers.

21. Jay overhears truckers bragging about new young prostitutes. He follows them to the truck brothel and pays a big thug to have sex with one of the new blondes, hoping it’s Holly.

22. But it’s not Holly. It’s Madison. Madison met Holly at the hideout in Denver. She tells Jay that the ‘eBay girls’ get shipped to China.

23. FBI agents, thinking Jay is the trafficker, follow him to the truck, make a bust, arrest him and parade him in front of TV cameras.

24. The big brothel thug sees Erin and Jay, and chases after them. Jay fights him. The thug pulls a gun. The Denver detective arrives just in time to shoot/kill the thug.

25. Denver police raid the hideout, but it burns to the ground.

26. Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico.

27. Erin and Jay plan to go to Mexico and then disappear together, traveling for several months.

28. Erin’s modeling job is a fake job by the traffickers.

29. Erin again agrees to be wired and tracked by the police as bait to catch the traffickers.

30. Erin flies to LA for the modeling job, being tracked by the police.

31. The traffickers outsmart the police by putting Erin in the back of a ‘shielded’ limo. The police tracking devices don’t work.

32. The traffickers drive the limo into an underground limo garage, so the police have no way to visually track her.

33. But Erin hides her phone in her bikini. The police track it when she’s transferred from the limo to a boat.

34. Jay and the police arrive at the boat as it pulls away from the dock. There’s a gunfight. The police kill two traffickers, saving Erin and three other women, but not Holly.

35. Holly is smuggled to China.

36. Holly is auctioned on the dark web to the highest bidder.

37. With covert alphabet help, Jay wins the bid for Holly. Holly’s wealthy father pays the auction site to buy her back.

38. The traffickers double cross Jay. They bait and switch Holly for another abducted similar girl.

39. The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly to a Beijing brothel.

40. Jay and a security expert from Holly’s dad’s company disguise themselves and do their own bait and switch at the brothel to save Holly.

2. Sequence them to fit into your Thriller Map:

Same order as above.

3. With each reveal, make sure the following are in place:

A. What is the reveal?

B. How did it get covered up?

C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.

DONE.

4. Build any improvements into your Thriller Map: DONE.

5. Tell us about the reveals you built into your Thriller Map.

A. Jay picks up Madison at the bus station. He has a slight Irish accent. “Let me call the MRS. and see if we have room for you.” REVEAL: It’s not Jay, it’s Finn, the trafficker using Jay’s name.

B. REVEAL: It was Orlando’s idea for Finn to use Jay’s name. He tells Finn to keep using Jay’s name.

C. It takes almost all of Madison’s money to buy the bus ticket. REVEAL: She’s all alone and broke.

D. Jay needs Quinn to vouch for him at work. But Quinn doesn’t work for the Denver Police Dept. REVEAL: Quinn works for the FBI.

E. Lacy insists she isn’t cheating on Jay with any other man. REVEAL: Lacy is in bed with her lesbian lover.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 2 – ASSIGNMENT

Title: Alan’s Comedy Plots

What I learned from this assignment is: These three plots can create some very funny situations.

1. Fish out of water:

A prissy Econ PhD Investment Banker discovers a massive corporate fraud endangering her life and she goes into hiding working for a high school dropout organic farmer.

2. Incongruent pairings:

A prissy Econ PhD Investment Banker falls in love with a high school dropout organic farmer.

3. Hilarious purpose:

A prissy Econ PhD Investment Banker and a high school dropout organic farmer investigate counterfeit organic produce suppliers.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 1 – ASSIGNMENT

Title: Alan’s Funny Scene!

What I learned from this assignment is: Really good comedies begin with great character setups, punchlines, and INCONGRUITIES. The humor in the entire first scene of Shaun of the Dead comes from incongruities.

1. Pick a funny 2 – 5 page scene of a comedy you love – Shaun of the Dead.

2. Paste the scene into a word processing program and make a note every time you see a setup or something funny happening in the scene.

SPOOKY NOISES…CURIOUSLY ELECTRONIC…A BELL RINGS…

INT. PUB -NIGHT

LANDLORD (O.S.)

Last orders please.

Close up on the face of a MAN. He draws on his cigarette.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Shaun?

SHAUN stares blankly into space.

SHAUN

Yeah…

WOMAN’S VOICE (CONT’D)

Do you see what I’m saying?

SHAUN

Yeah, totally.

NOTE: Shaun’s clearly not paying attention to something very important to his relationship with Liz.

We reveal that SHAUN is sitting with a woman, LIZ. They are both in their late twenties. LIZ looks slightly concerned,

SHAUN looks slightly confused. They are having a drink.

LIZ

You shouldn’t feel so responsible.

SHAUN

Yeah…

LIZ

I know he’s your best friend but you do live with him.

SHAUN

I know…

LIZ

It’s not that I don’t like Ed.

(speaks off to her right)

Ed, it’s not that I don’t like you.

ED

S’alright.

NOTE: Liz is talking about dumping Ed right in front of him.

We reveal ED right next to them, playing a horror themed

FRUIT MACHINE which bleeps spooky electronic noises. He is in his late twenties and slightly overweight.

LIZ

It’d just be nice if we could-

ED

(hits the fruit machine)

Fuck!

LIZ

-spend a bit more time together-

ED

Bollocks!

LIZ

-just the two of us-

ED

Cock it!

NOTE: By his normal behavior from which he never deviates, Ed clearly interrupts all their dates.

A beat.

LIZ

We have a laugh don’t we?

SHAUN

Yeah…

SHAUN and LIZ smile, sharing some private joke. SHAUN relaxes, momentarily off the hook. But…

LIZ

But with Ed always here, it’s no wonder I end up bringing my flatmates out. Then that only exacerbates things.

SHAUN

What do you mean?

LIZ

Well, you guys hardly get on do you?

SHAUN

No, what does exacerbate mean?

NOTE: Setup is we think Shaun’s asking about their relationship, but instead, he doesn’t know the definition of exacerbate.

LIZ

It means ‘to make things worse’.

SHAUN

Oh right. Look, it’s not that I

don’t like David and Di.

(speaks off to his right)

Guys, it’s not that I don’t like you…

NOTE: Shaun is talking about not liking David & Diane in front of them.

DAVID

That’s alright.

DIANNE

That’s alright.

We reveal DAVID and DIANNE, sitting next to LIZ. Both in their late twenties, DAVID is trendy but straight-laced, DI is colorful and chirpy. They hold hands.

SHAUN (CONT’D)

And it’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you because I do. It’s just, Ed doesn’t really have too many friends-

ED

Can I get any of you cunts a drink?

NOTE: ED couldn’t care less how his behavior affects Liz and Shaun.

SHAUN closes his eyes.

ED (CONT’D)

Anybody?

DAVID

No thanks.

DIANNE

No thanks.

LIZ

I’m fine thanks, Ed.

ED

Pint Shaun?

SHAUN nods. ED holds out his palm to SHAUN, who sighs and reluctantly hands him a fiver.

NOTE: Ed’s not only disruptive, but a moocher as well.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Alan Larson.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 10 – ASSIGNMENT

Subject Line: Alan’s Trust Relationships

What I learned is: Trust / Distrust was not an area I ever focused on. Great addition to the tool kit. (Thanks!)

1. Make a list of the main characters.

Hero: Jay Crockett

Villain: Rolex Creep (Orlando Skoda)

Red Herring Character: None yet.

Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Erin Raynor

Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Lacy Crockett

Isn’t trusted, but should be: Quinn

2. With each character, ask these questions:

A. What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable?

B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable?

C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?

Hero: Jay Crockett

A. Trustable

B. Appears Not Trustable because of doppelganger trafficker

C. None – unwavering

Villain: Rolex Creep (Orlando Skoda)

A. Not Trustable

B. Fakes being a nice guy to roofie Erin

C. If caught, might flip on his gang

Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Erin Raynor

A. Trustable

B. Makes rash decisions, but her ulterior motives are to protect Jay.

C. To save herself

Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Lacy Crockett

A. Not Trustable

B. Has a long history with Jay, but has been lying to him

C. Money – law school tuition

Isn’t trusted, but should be: Quinn

A. Trustable

B. Arrests Jay twice

C. Does things in the best interest of society, which isn’t always best for Jay

3. With each character relationship, brainstorm how trust or distrust might show up between them.

Hero / Villain: Jay / Orlando – Feels like Distrust the whole way.

Hero / Red Herring Character: None

Hero / Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Jay / Erin – Erin might choose her own safety. Jay might choose Holly’s safety over Erin’s.

Hero / Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Jay / Lacy – Is Lacy really pulling law school all-nighters or is she cheating on Jay?

Hero / Isn’t trusted, but should be: Jay / Quinn – Quinn acts in the public good, which isn’t always the best for
Jay.

4. Create a sequence for each trust/distrust relationship (like I did with Three Days of The Condor) and then add that to your map.

Hero / Villain: Jay / Orlando

1. Distrust: Jay / Orlando – Jay sees Orlando put white powder in Erin’s drink.

2. Distrust: Jay / Orlando – Orlando threatens to kill Jay.

3. Distrust: Jay / Orlando – Jay learns Orlando is abducting girls for a dark web sex trafficking gang. Orlando’s gang abducted Holly.

Hero / Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Jay / Erin

1. Trust: Jay / Erin – Jay sees neighbor girl, Erin, being roofied and saves her.

2. Distrust Jay / Erin – Erin wears a wire for the police to entrap Jay.

3. Trust: Jay / Erin – Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers.

4. Distrust: Jay / Erin – Erin orders Jay to leave and not come back.

5. Trust: Jay / Erin – They learn the trafficker’s been murdered, so they review more mugshots for the police.

6. Trust: Jay / Erin – They scheme to sneak to Mexico away together.

7. Distrust: Jay / Erin – Erin blindsides Jay by agreeing to bait for the FBI.

8. Trust: Jay / Erin – Jay & the FBI save Erin from the traffickers.

Hero / Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Jay / Lacy

1. Trust: Jay / Lacy – They’ve been married for three years.

2. Distrust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy often doesn’t come home claiming to be studying for law school.

3. Distrust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy moves out without talking to Jay.

4. Trust: Jay / Lacy – They’re both worried about Holly.

5. Distrust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s dad.

Hero / Isn’t trusted, but should be: Jay / Quinn

1. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn comes to investigate who roofied Erin.

2. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn arrests Jay.

3. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn releases Jay from jail.

4. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn arrests Jay, again.

5. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn releases Jay. She’s only trying to find Holly.

6. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Jay needs Quinn to vouch for him at work, but there is no Detective Quinn on the Denver police force, so Jay loses his job.

7. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn is a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint task force with the Denver Police Department.

8. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn saves Jay from the brothel thug.

9. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Jay hates that Quinn wants to use Erin as bait.

10. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn convinces Erin to be bait for the FBI.

11. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn kills Orlando and Finn, saving Erin.

5. Give us the new version of your Thriller Map.

Villain’s Plan 1 -Lure Holly Sampson by offering to smoke the ‘world’s best weed’ with her, roofie her, and abduct her.

OPENING: After having dinner with Jay, Holly Sampson sneaks away to share the world’s best weed, but instead, gets roofied and abducted.

TWIST 1:

· Direction: Holly expects to enjoy smoking weed.

· Twist: Holly gets roofied and abducted.

1. Trust: Jay / Lacy – They’ve been married for three years.

Mystery 1: Who abducted Holly and where did they take her?

2. Distrust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy often doesn’t come home claiming to be studying for law school.

Villain’s Plan 2: At a bar, a trafficker roofies Erin Raynor and plans to abduct her.

Life Threatening 2: A trafficker drugs Erin with a date-rape drug and tries to abduct her.

1. Distrust: Jay / Orlando – Jay sees Orlando put white powder in Erin’s drink.

1. Trust: Jay / Erin – Jay sees neighbor girl, Erin, being roofied and saves her.

TWIST 2:

· Direction: Jay saves a roofied Erin from being raped by the Rolex Creep.

· Twist: The Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay.

2. Distrust: Jay / Orlando – Orlando threatens to kill Jay.

Life Threatening 3: The trafficker threatens to kill Jay for saving Erin.

Mystery 2: Who roofied Erin and why did he threaten Jay’s life?

1. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn comes to investigate who roofied Erin.

2. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn arrests Jay.

3. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn releases Jay from jail.

TWIST 3:

· Direction: Jay walks Erin home, shoves her in the house to protect her.

· Twist: Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay.

2. Distrust Jay / Erin – Erin wears a wire for the police to entrap Jay.

4. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn arrests Jay, again.

Life Threatening 4: The police arrest Jay for Holly’s abduction and jail him.

Life Threatening 5: Madison Hansen is molested by her stepfather.

Mystery 3: Where is runaway Madison going?

Villain’s Plan 3: Traffickers stake out the Denver bus stop hunting for runaways. They find 13 year-old Madison there all alone and offer to buy her lunch. After a nice lunch, they offer her a place to stay. She accepts. They abduct her and plan to sell her to a brothel.

TWIST 4:

· Direction: A good Samaritan buys Madison lunch and offers her a place to stay.

· Twist: The good Samaritan is actually a sex trafficker.

Life Threatening 6: A trafficker takes Madison to their hideout and locks her up with several other girls.

INCITING INCIDENT: Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her.

5. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn releases Jay. She’s only trying to find Holly.

3. Trust: Jay / Erin – Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers.

4. Distrust: Jay / Erin – Erin orders Jay to leave and not come back.

3. Distrust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy moves out without talking to Jay.

TWIST 5:

· Direction: Police are sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from the trafficker.

· Twist: The trafficker is found dead in a park gully.

Life Threatening 7: The trafficker Jay identified is found dead in a park gully the next morning.

4. Trust: Jay / Lacy – They’re both worried about Holly.

5. Trust: Jay / Erin – They learn the trafficker’s been murdered, so they review more mugshots for the police.

5. Distrust: Jay / Lacy – Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s dad.

TWIST 6:

· Direction: Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him at work.

· Twist: There is no Detective Quinn in the Denver police dept. Jay gets fired.

6. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Jay needs Quinn to vouch for him at work, but there is no Detective Quinn on the Denver police force.

7. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn is a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint task force with the Denver Police Department.

Life Threatening 8: Traffickers auction Holly and Erin on the dark web.

TURNING POINT 1: Holly’s one of a recent bevy of girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking ring that plans to auction her to the highest bidder on the dark web.

Mystery 4: How can they get Holly back?

3. Distrust: Jay / Orlando – Jay learns Orlando is abducting girls for a dark web sex trafficking gang. Orlando’s gang abducted Holly.

Life Threatening 9: The traffickers sell Madison and several other young girls to the trucker brothel and smuggle them to an Iowa truck stop.

TWIST 7:

· Direction: The police and Jay are sure they will rescue Holly in Iowa.

· Twist: Holly’s not there.

MIDPOINT: Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls sold to the Iowa truck brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly sky-rocket.

Mystery 8: If not to Iowa, where did the traffickers take Holly?

Life Threatening 10: FBI agents learn Holly’s being shipped off to China.

Life Threatening 11: A truck brothel thug tries to kill Jay and abduct Erin.

TWIST 8:

· Direction: A truck brothel thug captures Jay and will kill him.

· Twist: The Denver detective kills the thug and saves Jay.

Life Threatening 12: The Denver detective shoots/kills the thug.

8. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn saves Jay from the brothel thug.

Villain’s Plan 4: Traffickers offer Erin Raynor a modeling job, which she accepts. They pick her up in a limo at the L.A. airport. But there is no modeling job. Instead Erin is locked in the back of the limo, which is totally insulated to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They smuggle her to a boat bound for China.

Life Threatening 13: Erin gets offered and unknowingly accepts a fake modeling job in Mexico.

9. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Jay hates that Quinn wants to use Erin as bait.

6. Trust: Jay / Erin – They scheme to sneak to Mexico away together.

TWIST 9:

· Direction: Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI.

· Twist: Erin changes her mind and agrees to be bait for the FBI without telling Jay.

Life Threatening 14: After learning it’s a fake, Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the police as bait to catch the traffickers.

10. Distrust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn convinces Erin to be bait for the FBI.

7. Distrust: Jay / Erin – Erin blindsides Jay by agreeing to bait for the FBI.

TWIST 10:

· Direction: Erin is being tracked by the FBI and will lead them to Holly.

· Twist: The traffickers use a “shielded” limo and the limo garage.

Life Threatening 15: The traffickers outsmart the police by putting Erin in the back of a ‘shielded’ limo. The police tracking devices don’t work.

Villain’s Plan 5: Sell Holly and Erin on the dark web the highest bidder.

TWIST 11:

· Direction: Erin is directed to leave the limo for the photo shoot without any possessions wearing only a bikini.

· Twist: Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom.

Life Threatening 16: Quinn kills two traffickers at the boat holding Erin and the other abducted women, but not Holly.

11. Trust: Jay / Quinn – Quinn kills Orlando and Finn, saving Erin.

8. Trust: Jay / Erin – Jay & the FBI save Erin from the traffickers.

Life Threatening 17: Holly is smuggled to China and sold on the dark web.

TWIST 12:

· Direction: Jay wins Holly’s auction and goes to pick her up.

· Twist: The traffickers deliver a lookalike instead of Holly.

TURNING POINT 2: Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But the traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

Life Threatening 18: The traffickers double-cross the highest bidder, Jay. They bait and switch Holly for a lookalike abducted girl.

Mystery 6: Where did the traffickers take Holly now?

Life Threatening 19: The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly to a Beijing brothel.

Life Threatening 20: Jay and a security expert from Holly’s dad’s company go into the brothel to try to rescue Holly.

TWIST 13:

· Direction: Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel.

· Twist: Holly is disguised as the Security Guy and escapes.

CLIMAX: Jay and Holly’s father’s security team pull a bait and switch on the Beijing Brothel to save Holly. Holly flies back to America, but Chinese police arrest Jay for sex trafficking her.

TWIST 14:

· Direction: Rescued from traffickers, Holly is going to fly home with Jay.

· Twist: Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.

Mystery 7: How will Jay get out of Chinese prison?

RESOLUTION: With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay and he flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Alan Larson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Alan Larson.

[Alan Larson]

Hi, I’m Alan Larson. I’ve written a handful of Comedy screenplays. I hope to improve my Comedy skillset and improve my existing scripts. Something unique: I can’t make right turns on my bicycle. Wondering while watching ROXANNE if anyone else noticed that when C.D. left Roxanne’s house after climbing up to the open window, that the front door didn’t have a deadbolt, but instead had a single lock that could’ve been easily opened with a Mastercard?

[Alan Larson]

DAY 9 – ASSIGNMENT

Subject Line: Alan’s Twists and Turns

What I learned is: I learned to strengthen the expected outcome of the Current Direction, so that the Twist has much more impact. This really helped my script. (Great lesson! Thanks!)

3. Tell us the places you added twists.

1. When Holly expects to enjoy the world’s best weed

2. At the tavern where Jay saves Erin

3. When Erin wears a wire to entrap Jay

4. When Madison is abducted from the bus station

5. When the best weed guy gets killed, they lose their chance to find Holly.

6. When Jay gets fired from his job

7. When Holly isn’t at the Iowa truck brothel.

8. When the brothel thug has captured Jay and intends to kill him.

9. When Erin agrees to be bait for the FBI

10. When the traffickers outsmart the FBI with the “shielded” limo

11. When Erin smuggles her phone in her bikini bottom

12. When the traffickers bait and switch Jay with a Holly lookalike

13. When Jay & the security team bait and switch Holly from the Beijing brothel

14. When the Chinese arrest Jay for trafficking Holly

4. Include the new version of your Thriller Map.

Villain’s Plan 1 -Lure Holly Sampson by offering to smoke the ‘world’s best weed’ with her, roofie her, and abduct her.

OPENING: After having dinner with Jay, Holly Sampson sneaks away to share the world’s best weed, but instead, gets roofied and abducted.

TWIST 1:

· Direction: Holly expects to enjoy smoking weed.

· Twist: Holly gets roofied and abducted.

Mystery 1: Who abducted Holly and where did they take her?

Villain’s Plan 2: At a bar, a trafficker roofies Erin Raynor and plans to abduct her.

Life Threatening 2: A trafficker drugs Erin with a date-rape drug and tries to abduct her.

TWIST 2:

· Direction: Jay saves a roofied Erin from being raped by the Rolex Creep.

· Twist: The Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay.

Life Threatening 3: The trafficker threatens to kill Jay for saving Erin.

Mystery 2: Who roofied Erin and why did he threaten Jay’s life?

TWIST 3:

· Direction: Jay walks Erin home, shoves her in the house to protect her.

· Twist: Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay.

Life Threatening 4: The police arrest Jay for Holly’s abduction and jail him. He loses his job.

Life Threatening 5: Madison Hansen is molested by her stepfather.

Mystery 3: Where is runaway Madison going?

Villain’s Plan 3: Traffickers stake out the Denver bus stop hunting for runaways. They find 13 year-old Madison there all alone and offer to buy her lunch. After a nice lunch, they offer her a place to stay. She accepts. They abduct her and plan to sell her to a brothel.

TWIST 4:

· Direction: A good Samaritan buys Madison lunch and offers her a place to stay.

· Twist: The good Samaritan is actually a sex trafficker.

Life Threatening 6: A trafficker takes Madison to their hideout and locks her up with several other girls.

INCITING INCIDENT: Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her.

TWIST 5:

· Direction: Police are sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from the trafficker.

· Twist: The trafficker is found dead in a park gully.

Life Threatening 7: The trafficker Jay identified is found dead in a park gully the next morning.

TWIST 6:

· Direction: Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him at work.

· Twist: There is no Detective Quinn in the Denver police dept. Jay gets fired.

Life Threatening 8: Traffickers auction Holly and Erin on the dark web.

TURNING POINT 1: Holly’s one of a recent bevy of girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking ring that plans to auction her to the highest bidder on the dark web.

Mystery 4: How can they get Holly back?

Life Threatening 9: The traffickers sell Madison and several other young girls to the trucker brothel and smuggle them to an Iowa truck stop.

TWIST 7:

· Direction: The police and Jay are sure they will rescue Holly in Iowa.

· Twist: Holly’s not there.

MIDPOINT: Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls sold to the Iowa truck brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly sky-rocket.

Mystery 8: If not to Iowa, where did the traffickers take Holly?

Life Threatening 10: FBI agents learn Holly’s being shipped off to China.

Life Threatening 11: A truck brothel thug tries to kill Jay and abduct Erin.

TWIST 8:

· Direction: A truck brothel thug captures Jay and will kill him.

· Twist: The Denver detective kills the thug and saves Jay.

Life Threatening 12: The Denver detective shoots/kills the thug.

Villain’s Plan 4: Traffickers offer Erin Raynor a modeling job, which she accepts. They pick her up in a limo at the L.A. airport. But there is no modeling job. Instead Erin is locked in the back of the limo, which is totally insulated to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They smuggle her to a boat bound for China.

Life Threatening 13: Erin gets offered and unknowingly accepts a fake modeling job in Mexico.

TWIST 9:

· Direction: Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI.

· Twist: Erin changes her mind and agrees to be bait for the FBI without telling Jay.

Life Threatening 14: After learning it’s a fake, Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the police as bait to catch the traffickers.

TWIST 10:

· Direction: Erin is being tracked by the FBI and will lead them to Holly.

· Twist: The traffickers use a “shielded” limo and the limo garage.

Life Threatening 15: The traffickers outsmart the police by putting Erin in the back of a ‘shielded’ limo. The police tracking devices don’t work.

Villain’s Plan 5: Sell Holly and Erin on the dark web the highest bidder.

TWIST 11:

· Direction: Erin is directed to leave the limo for the photo shoot without any possessions wearing only a bikini.

· Twist: Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom.

Life Threatening 16: Police kill two traffickers at the boat holding Erin and the other abducted women, but not Holly.

Life Threatening 17: Holly is smuggled to China and sold on the dark web.

TWIST 12:

· Direction: Jay wins Holly’s auction and goes to pick her up.

· Twist: The traffickers deliver a lookalike instead of Holly.

TURNING POINT 2: Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But the traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

Life Threatening 18: The traffickers double-cross the highest bidder, Jay. They bait and switch Holly for a lookalike abducted girl.

Mystery 6: Where did the traffickers take Holly now?

Life Threatening 19: The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly to a Beijing brothel.

Life Threatening 20: Jay and a security expert from Holly’s dad’s company go into the brothel to try to rescue Holly.

TWIST 13:

· Direction: Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel.

· Twist: Holly is disguised as the Security Guy and escapes.

CLIMAX: Jay and Holly’s father’s security team pull a bait and switch on the Beijing Brothel to save Holly. Holly flies back to America, but Chinese police arrest Jay for sex trafficking her.

TWIST 14:

· Direction: Rescued from traffickers, Holly is going to fly home with Jay.

· Twist: Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.

Mystery 7: How will Jay get out of Chinese prison?

RESOLUTION: With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay and he flies to vacation in Hawaii.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 8 – ASSIGNMENT

Subject Line: Alan’s Thriller Plot!

What I learned is: I completely messed up some previous assignments, but hopefully am back on the right track now.

1. List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.

OPENING: After having dinner with Jay, Holly Sampson sneaks away to share the world’s best weed, but instead, gets roofied and abducted.

INCITING INCIDENT: Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her.

TURNING POINT 1: Holly’s one of a recent bevy of girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking ring that plans to auction her to the highest bidder on the dark web.

MIDPOINT: Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls sold to the Iowa truck brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly sky-rocket.

TURNING POINT 2: Using Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But the traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

CLIMAX: Jay and Holly’s father’s security team pull a bait and switch on the Beijing Brothel to save Holly. Holly flies back to America, but Chinese police arrest Jay for sex trafficking.

RESOLUTION: With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay and he flies to vacation in Hawaii.

2. Inside your structure, fill in the gaps with the Life Threatening situations, Mysteries, and Villain’s plan. Do this one at a time. That will keep you from getting confused.

Villain’s Plan 1 -Lure Holly Sampson by offering to smoke the ‘world’s best weed’ with her, roofie her, and abduct her.

OPENING: After having dinner with Jay, Holly Sampson sneaks away to share the world’s best weed, but instead, gets roofied and abducted.

Mystery 1: Who abducted Holly and where did they take her?

Villain’s Plan 2: At a bar, a trafficker roofies Erin Raynor and plans to abduct her.

Life Threatening 2: A trafficker drugs Erin with a date-rape drug and tries to abduct her.

Life Threatening 3: The trafficker threatens to kill Jay for saving Erin.

Mystery 2: Who roofied Erin and threatened Jay’s life?

Life Threatening 4: The police arrest Jay for Holly’s abduction and jail him. He loses his job.

Life Threatening 5: Madison Hansen is molested by her stepfather.

Mystery 3: Where is runaway Madison going?

Villain’s Plan 3: Traffickers stake out the Denver bus stop hunting for runaways. They find 13 year-old Madison there all alone and offer to buy her lunch. After a nice lunch, they offer her a place to stay. She accepts. They abduct her and plan to sell her to a brothel.

Life Threatening 6: A trafficker takes Madison to their hideout and locks her up with several other girls.

INCITING INCIDENT: Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her.

Life Threatening 7: The trafficker Jay identified is found dead in a park gully the next morning.

Life Threatening 8: Traffickers auction Holly and Erin on the dark web.

TURNING POINT 1: Holly’s one of a recent bevy of girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking ring that plans to auction her to the highest bidder on the dark web.

Mystery 4: How can they get Holly back?

Life Threatening 9: The traffickers sell Madison and several other young girls to the trucker brothel and smuggle them to an Iowa truck stop.

MIDPOINT: Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls sold to the Iowa truck brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly sky-rocket.

Mystery 5: If not to Iowa, where did the traffickers take Holly?

Life Threatening 10: FBI agents learn Holly’s being shipped off to China.

Life Threatening 11: A truck brothel thug tries to kill Jay and abduct Erin.

Life Threatening 12: The Denver detective shoots/kills the thug.

Villain’s Plan 4: Traffickers offer Erin Raynor a modeling job, which she accepts. They pick her up in a limo at the L.A. airport. But there is no modeling job. Instead Erin is locked in the back of the limo, which is totally insulated to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They smuggle her to a boat bound for China.

Life Threatening 13: Erin gets offered and unknowingly accepts a fake modeling job in Mexico.

Life Threatening 14: After learning it’s a fake, Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the police as bait to catch the traffickers.

Life Threatening 15: The traffickers outsmart the police by putting Erin in the back of a ‘shielded’ limo. The police tracking devices don’t work.

Villain’s Plan 5: Sell Holly and Erin on the dark web the highest bidder.

Life Threatening 16: Police kill two traffickers at the boat holding Erin and the other abducted women, but not Holly.

Life Threatening 17: Holly is smuggled to China and sold on the dark web.

TURNING POINT 2: Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But the traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.

Life Threatening 18: The traffickers double-cross the highest bidder, Jay. They bait and switch Holly for a lookalike abducted girl.

Mystery 6: Where did the traffickers take Holly now?

Life Threatening 19: The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly to a Beijing brothel.

Life Threatening 20: Jay and a security expert from Holly’s dad’s company go into the brothel to try to rescue Holly.

CLIMAX: Jay and Holly’s father’s security team pull a bait and switch on the Beijing Brothel to save Holly. Holly flies back to America, but Chinese police arrest Jay for sex trafficking her.

Mystery 7: How will Jay get out of Chinese prison?

RESOLUTION: With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay and he flies to vacation in Hawaii.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by  Alan Larson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by  Alan Larson.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 7 – ASSIGNMENT

Subject Line: Alan’s Life Threatening Sequence

What I learned from this assignment is: I completely blew this assignment on the first pass. Sorry.

1. What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?

The Villains’ plan to abduct Jay’s half-sister, Holly, and Jay’s love interest, Erin, and sell them in China on the dark web for huge sums of money. Money they will kill for. Jay blocks their first attempt to drug and abduct Erin, putting Jay on their hit list. His attempts to save Holly put him in constant life-threatening danger.

2. What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?

Jay gets arrested three times and imprisoned twice, loses his job, loses his marriage, loses his reputation, and continually steps into dangerous situations.

3. From the list of potential dangers, choose the ones that work for this story.

All of these potential dangers are in my story:

Threats

Talking about the danger

Physical danger

Surveillance / watched

Chased

Lured into a dangerous situation

Closeness to the villain

Trapped / Abducted / Arrested

Danger to someone they know

People around them die or are injured.

Stalked

Thugs or professionals hired to hurt them.

Presence of weapons or thugs

The unknown

Something that damages their reputation

The chance that a relationship could end.

Public humiliation.

Loss of a job or career.

Betrayal from someone close.

Someone operating covertly around them.

4. Sequence those dangers in order and make a list like the one I did for Basic Instinct above.

1. The trafficker roofies Holly and drives her off in his panel van.

2. A trafficker drugs Erin with a date-rape drug and tries to abduct her.

3. The trafficker threatens to kill Jay.

4. The police arrest Jay for Holly’s abduction and jail him. He loses his job.

5. Madison is molested by her stepfather.

6. A trafficker takes Madison to their hideout and locks her up with several other girls.

7. The trafficker Jay identified is found dead in a park gully the next morning.

8. Traffickers auction Holly and Erin on the dark web.

9. The traffickers sell Madison and several other young girls to the trucker brothel and smuggle them to an Iowa truck stop.

10. FBI agents learn Holly’s being shipped off to China.

11. A truck brothel thug tries to kill Jay and abduct Erin.

12. The Denver detective shoots/kills the thug.

13. Erin gets offered and unknowingly accepts a fake modeling job in Mexico.

14. After learning it’s a fake, Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the police as bait to catch the traffickers.

15. The traffickers outsmart the police by putting Erin in the back of a ‘shielded’ limo. The police tracking devices don’t work.

16. Police kill two traffickers at the boat leaving with Erin and the other abducted women.

17. Holly is smuggled to China and sold on the dark web.

18. The traffickers double-cross the highest bidder, Jay. They bait and switch Holly for another abducted similar girl.

19. The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly to a Beijing brothel.

20. Jay and a security expert from Holly’s dad’s company go into the brothel to try to rescue Holly.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by  Alan Larson.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 6 – ASSIGNMENT

Subject Line: Alan’s Mystery Sequence

What I learned is: I need to tie these mysteries together better and to come up with a Red Herring.

1. What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?

· If the traffickers can abduct Holly Sampson they can auction her for big money in China on the dark web because they pass her off as an American Porn Star.

· If the traffickers can abduct Erin Raynor they can auction her for big money in China on the dark web because she is a pale-skinned American who speaks fluent Mandarin.

How many ways can they cover that secret? Those become the mysteries.

By clandestinely abducting the women, smuggling them to China and using the dark web to sell them. The smugglers used sophisticated techniques like shielding their vehicles from tracking devices.

2. The first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it.

The FIRST BIG MYSTERY: Who is abducting these women/girls and where are they taking them to?

· Who abducted Holly Sampson, then who did they sell her to and where is she now?

· Who abducted Erin Raynor and where did they take her?

· Who abducted Madison Hansen, who did they sell her to and where is she now?

Holly Sampson is Jay Crockett’s half-sister and his favorite sibling. He’d do anything to save her. Erin and Jay quickly grow attached to each other. As this happens, Jay would do anything to save Erin.

3. Sequence the mysteries so that each one leads us to the next one. Include ONE Red Herring mystery if you can.

a) Holly gets abducted.

b) Erin gets roofied and they attempt to abduct her.

c) Madison gets abducted and sold to a trucker brothel.

d) Erin gets offered a fake modeling job and is abducted.

4. Create a Mystery Chain for each main mystery.

A. Holly Sampson

a. Holly has dinner with Jay at a restaurant.

b. After Jay leaves, a trafficker asks Holly to smoke the ‘world’s best weed’ with him.

c. Holly accepts, smokes the weed.

d. The trafficker roofies Holly and drives her off in his panel van.

e. Holly is held at their hideout house.

f. Holly is smuggled to China.

g. Holly is auctioned on the dark web to the highest bidder.

h. Jay wins the bid for Holly which Holly’s wealthy father pays for.

i. The traffickers double cross Jay. They bait and switch Holly for another abducted similar girl.

j. The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly to a Beijing brothel.

B. Erin Raynor

a. Erin goes to the Highland Tavern for a drink.

b. A trafficker drugs Erin with a date-rape drug.

c. Jay sees the trafficker put white powder in Erin’s drink and stops him from abducting her.

d. The trafficker threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.

e. Jay learns Holly has been abducted.

f. Erin and Jay look at mug shots to help the police.

g. They learn that Holly and Erin are being auctioned on the dark web.

h. The police intercept a message about abducted Denver girls being delivered to a truck stop in Iowa.

i. Erin and Jay go with the police to Iowa to see if they can ID the traffickers.

j. Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico.

k. Erin and Jay plan to go to Mexico and then disappear together, traveling for several months.

l. The police learn about the modeling job and tell Erin it’s fake.

m. The police check with Ford Models who confirm the job is fake.

n. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the police as bait to catch the traffickers.

o. Per police instructions, Erin tells the traffickers her passport has expired.

p. They traffickers tell Erin she can do the shoot in LA.

q. Erin flies to LA, being tracked by the police.

r. The traffickers outsmart the police by putting Erin in the back of a ‘shielded’ limo. The police tracking devices don’t work.

s. The traffickers drive the limo into an underground limo garage, so the police have no way to visually track her.

t. The traffickers make Erin change into a bikini for the shoot in the back of the limo. She’s ordered to leave all her possessions in the limo.

C. Madison Hansen

a. Madison is molested by her stepfather.

b. Madison runs away from home, hitchhikes to the nearest big town, then catches a bus to Denver.

c. Madison is all alone at the bus station for hours not knowing what to do or where to go.

d. A trafficker stalking the bus station chats up Madison and offers to buy her lunch.

e. They have a nice lunch.

f. The trafficker offers Madison a place to stay for the night. She accepts.

g. The trafficker takes Madison to their hideout and locks her up with several other girls.

h. The traffickers sell Madison and several other young girls to the trucker brothel and smuggle them to Iowa.

i. Truckers pay for sex with the young girls.

D. Jay Crockett

a. Jay has dinner with Holly at a Denver restaurant.

b. At a tavern, Jay sees traffickers roofie Erin and stops the abduction.

c. The police arrive at the tavern.

d. Jay is the doppelganger of one of the traffickers. A police artist’s drawing of the suspect looks exactly like Jay.

e. Waitresses at the Denver restaurant give a positive ID that Jay was with Holly the night she went missing.

f. The police arrest Jay for Holly’s abduction.

E. Red Herring – none yet.

[Alan Larson]

DAY 5 – ASSIGNMENT

Subject Line: Alan’s Villain Has a Great Plan!

What I learned from this assignment? I learned that I actually had a lot more intrigue in my script than I previously thought. Although, I still need to add more. I’d like to add in a double-cross or at least a couple blindsides.

To create your Villain’s plan, answer these four questions:

What is the end goal?

To abduct and auction women on the dark web for huge $$$. This story mainly focuses on three females, Holly Sampson, Erin Raynor and Madison Hansen.

How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?

At a restaurant bar, he offers to share the world’s best weed with Holly, drugs her and abducts her.

In a tavern, he tries to abduct Erin with a date rape drug, but fails.

Offers Erin a fake modeling job but instead, abducts her.

They are nice to 13 year-old runaway Madison at the bus station, buy her lunch, then offer her a place to stay overnight.

How can they cover it up?

After luring girls and young women into their web with lies, they smuggle them off to the rich individual buyers or brothels.

Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.

· Traffickers lure Holly Sampson by offering to smoke the ‘world’s best weed’ with her, then roofie her, and abduct her.

· At a bar, they roofie Erin Raynor, but Jay prevents her abduction. The traffickers threaten to kill Jay.

· Traffickers stake out the Denver bus stop hunting for runaways. They find 13 year old Madison Hansen there all alone and offer to buy her lunch. After a nice lunch, they offer her a place to stay. She accepts. They abduct her and sell her to a semi trailer brothel in Iowa.

· Traffickers offer Erin Raynor a modeling job, which she accepts. They pick her up with a limo at the L.A. airport. But there is no modeling job. Instead Erin is locked in the back of the limo, which is totally insulated to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They smuggle her to a boat bound for China.

· Holly and Erin are auctioned on the dark web to a Beijing brothel.

[Alan Larson]

Day 4 – Assignment 2

Subject Line: Alan’s SOTL Stacking Suspense<div>

Things I learned about Stacking Suspense watching Silence of the Lambs:

· Day 4 – Assignment 2 was a beast.

· I watched the movie and read the script for this assignment. When I read this script for the first time many years ago, I thought the script was magical, poetic, awesome. It’s still those things, however, now I see it as much too dense, too detailed, too overpowering.

· SOTL continually amps up Mystery, Intrigue and Suspense.

· Once Catherine Martin is abducted, where she’s being held and will the FBI be able to rescue her are an overarching Mystery and Suspense of every scene until she’s saved. However, nearly every major scene also has its own additional MIS.

· SOTL had a lot of intrigue (underhanded, devious, covert, clandestine, etc.): Buffalo Bill lures Catherine Martin’s help with his fake injured arm. Clarice offers Hannibal a fake trade. Dr. Chilton bugs Hannibal’s & Clarice’s conversation, then double-crosses the FBI’s plans.

· Near the ending, SOTL had brilliant intercutting between Crawford’s team surrounding the house and Buffalo Bill preparing to kill Catherine Martin in his cellar. The FBI fake delivery man pushes the front door buzzer. Buffalo Bill answers his front door. But instead, it’s Clarice looking for Mrs. Lippman. Extremely clever misdirection.

· In addition to the MIS, several of the men (Dr. Chilton, the Smithsonian experts, Miggs, Hannibal) hit on or were lewd talking to Clarice, which added another level of drama/tension.

· Per our class instruction, I don’t plan to use any flashbacks in my thrillers, however, I think they kinda’ worked in SOTL.

· Looking back at my own scenes, they mostly just advance the plot, so they all need to do much more work.

· I’m still not clicking with INTRIGUE. I’ve got to spend more work on that area and incorporate more intrigue into my own scripts.
</div>

[Alan Larson]

Assignment 1:

Subject Line: Alan’s BI Stacking Suspense

Things I learned about Stacking Suspense watching Basic Instinct:

· Most of the scenes and combinations of shorter scenes included Mystery, Suspense and Intrigue. Lots of layers existed in nearly every scene. Each scene performed multiple tasks.

· Crime Scene Investigation has advanced dramatically since this movie was made. (No mention of DNA evidence, etc.)

· Dr. Beth continually not fully disclosing information, greatly added to the M.I.S. and made her appear to be guilty. I.e.:

– Dr. Beth knew Catherine from college and never mentioned it.

– Dr. Beth tells Nick about her ex-husband – “Didn’t last long.” When in fact, he was murdered with a .38 caliber bullet, same as Lt. Nilsen.

· The ice pick under the bed in the closing scene completely changed my conclusions.

– Given the last scene, I believe Catherine is not the Red Herring, but is the actual Villain who setup Dr. Beth, and is the real killer. Gus’s killer didn’t have gloves on. How/where could Dr. Beth have cleaned her hands before Nick shoots her? Why didn’t the CSI team find where she washed her hands?

– Catherine broke into Nick’s apartment with no trace. She could’ve easily broken into Dr. Beth’s place and planted evidence. Not to mention that Dr. Beth’s lock was broken. And Dr. Beth’s answering machine had “a new tape,” also easily replaced by Catherine.

[Alan Larson]

Subject line: Alan’s World and Characters!

What I learned doing this assignment: I need more character development.

1. Remind us of your CONCEPT and the Big M.I.S. of your story.

Big
Mystery: Who abducted Jay’s half-sister,
Holly Sampson, and where did they take her? <div>

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Big
Intrigue: The
myriad of ruses used by traffickers to entrap unsuspecting girls into
their clutches and ensuing sex slavery.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Big
Suspense:
Will Orlando kill Jay and abduct/sell Erin?

2. Tell us the Intriguing World you have selected for this story.

The sordid world of date-rape drugs, sex trafficking, truck-stop semitrailer brothels, and selling women on the dark web.

3. With your top 2 or 3 characters, tell us the role they play and then answer these three questions:

HERO: JAY CROCKETT

A.
What is the mystery of this character?

How can he find/rescue his sister?

B.
What is the suspense of this character?

Will the sex traffickers kill him?

C.
What is the intrigue of this character?

Will Jay’s messy love interests prevent him from saving his sister?

VILLIAN: ORLANDO SKODA

A.
What is the mystery of this character?

Will he abduct/sell Erin?

B.
What is the suspense of this character?

Will he be captured/killed by the police?

C.
What is the intrigue of this character?

The many successful ruses his team uses to abduct girls.

VICTIM: ERIN RAYNOR

A.
What is the mystery of this character?

Will she be able to evade/escape the traffickers?

B.
What is the suspense of this character?

Will she be abducted and sold into sex slavery?

C.
What is the intrigue of this character?

Will she sneak away from the police and/or Jay?

</div>

[Alan Larson]

Subject line: Alan’s Big M.I.S.

Title: A BLIND EYE

Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman repeatedly risks his life attempting to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring.

What I learned doing this assignment: I’m missing a complete layer. I need to add BIG INTRIGUE to my story.

1. What are the conventions of your story?

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Jay Crockett, is a Denver everyman, (a Product
Manager for a tech start-up). His half-sister, Holly Sampson, gets
abducted, wrenching him with her into life and death danger. <div>

Dangerous Villain: Orlando
Skoda, the ‘Rolex Creep,’ and his associates in a sophisticated sex trafficking
organization that abducts women and auctions them on the dark web.

High stakes: The sex trafficking
gang has and will kill to snatch prized ‘spinners.’

Life and death situations: In
scene one, Orlando threatens to kill Jay. Orlando kills one of his own gang
that’s been made by the police. The two most prominent gateways to sex
trafficking are runaways and fake modeling jobs. Madison is a teenage runaway
trafficked by the gang. The gang offers Erin a fake modeling job that
leads to her abduction and auction. Jay’s half-sister, Holly, is abducted,
auctioned, and sold to a Beijing Brothel. Jay is nearly killed attempting
to help rescue first-Erin, and then-Holly. Several traffickers are killed
during the rescues.

This movie is thrilling
because? There’s a constant threat of sex trafficking to a number of young
girls and women throughout the story. Death threats begin in the opening
scene and the danger to Jay and others of being killed increases throughout
the story.

2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?

Big Mystery: Who abducted Holly and where did they
take her? </div>

Big Intrigue: YIKES! I’m not sure yet?

Big Suspense: Will Orlando kill Jay and abduct/sell
Erin?

[Alan Larson]

Subject line: THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO Thriller Conventions

Swedish Version (2009) – IMDb 7.8/10

Logline: A journalist is aided by a young female hacker in his search for the killer of a woman who has been dead for forty years.

What I learned doing this assignment: I listened to your Friday thriller webcast recapping THE BOURNE IDENTITY, so this lesson seemed mostly like review.

<div>
</div>

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero: Mikael Blomkvist loses a libel
case, tanking his journalism career. Disgraced, he accepts the offer to
work for Henrik Vanger, seeking to find the killer of his favorite niece,
Harriet Vanger. Aided by computer hacker, Lisbeth Salander, their combined
talents lead them to uncover a string of five gruesome murders of women in
the 1960s that tie back to Harriet, putting them both in even greater
danger.

<div>

Dangerous Villain: Martin
Vanger, Harriet’s brother, is the most unlikely killer. Now the head
of the massive family corporation, by all outside appearances, he leads an
exemplary life. But as the body count piles up, we learn that he’s an
utterly ruthless sadistic serial killer.

High stakes: The killer may still be alive and living
on the same island as Mikael and Lisbeth. They’re in constant danger.

Life and death situations: The
murder of Harriet Vanger, the five other women murdered in the 1960s,
Martin tortures Mikael in his basement, Lisbeth hits Martin with a golf
club and chases Martin to his car crash, where he burns alive.

This movie is thrilling
because? There’s the constant threat of Harriet’s unknown killer, which
grows more dangerous as we learn he’s a serial killer. The sexual assaults
of Lisbeth by Bjurman add to the danger. And the prestigious Vanger family
wants to continue to hide their perversions.

Big Mystery: Who killed (what happened) to Harriet
Vanger forty years ago?

Big Intrigue: (“Who do you suspect?” Henrik Vanger, “None
of them…and all of them.”) Many of the secretive Vanger family have shady dealings,
were/are Nazis, and could be the killer.

Big Suspense: Will Martin Vanger kill Mikael and Lisbeth?

Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller?

The title character, Lisbeth Salander, drives a lot of the action. Her ongoing battle with Bjurman is dramatic, thrilling and in the end, extremely clever. Her kick-ass take-no-prisoners style and personal strengths and vulnerabilities draw the viewer into the story. The film is nowhere near as good without Lisbeth.

</div>

[Alan Larson]

Alan Larson:

“I agree to the terms of this release form.”

GROUP RELEASE FORM FOR “THRILLER 20” CLASS
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That everyone’s work here is copyrighted and they are the sole
owner of that work. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this
group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that
idea.

2. That this program is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun and I will not share,
disclose, present, or deliver the information, design, and writing of this
program to anyone for any reason without written permission from Hal Croasmun.

3. That I will keep the other writers’ ideas and writing confidential
(including Hal’s materials) and will not share this information with
anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner.
I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone
outside this group.

4. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or
have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can
independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or
movie idea.

5. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for
any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted
work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from
marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents,
managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment
industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for Thriller 20.

[Alan Larson]

1. Name? Alan Larson

2. How many scripts you’ve written? I’ve written a handful of bad thrillers.

3. What you hope to get out of the class? I hope to dramatically improve the very best one of my many bad thrillers.

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I can’t make a left turn on my bicycle.

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Pat,

Take your time and finish up your last scene. Erica & I just traded scripts, so once we’ve traded critiques, I’ll email you a note and we can trade scripts. I’ve got Final Draft 12 and it has TRACK CHANGES, so if you send me a Final Draft version, I can make comments directly on your screenplay. I’ll send you an FDX file as well.

Thanks!

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Erica,

Yes, I remember and liked the original original scene. Conundrum indeed. At this point, we only have one more Assignment before we exchange scripts. Why don’t you let that percolate and do the next assignment tomorrow? Then, we’ll both think about it once I’ve read your entire script.

Good luck!

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 15 – Critique of Erica’s Amazing Third Act

Hi, Erica,

I think adding the fear of heights was a really nice touch. And of course, reducing On-the-nose lines is always a good thing. I don’t really have a lot to add right now, but I’m sure I’ll have comments when I critique your entire screenplay.

Nice work,

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 14 – Critique of Erica’s Memorable Line

Hi, Erica,

That line of dialogue is a massive, unexpected change. I think it really works.

Excellent,

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 13 – Critique of Erica’s Separated Character Dialogue

Hi, Erica,

Wow. You really put the work in on this one. Great job. I think you improved lots of Julia’s dialogue. These two stood out to me and great improvements:

Tyrannical cop!

Only Mozart knows it better than I do.

Keep up the great work,

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 16 – Critique of Erica’s Amazing Opening Scene

Hi, Erica,

I’m by no means an expert at this, but I’ve often been told that Flashbacks are frowned upon. I think you could keep your original scene, avoid the flashback, and still amp up the suspense and danger in your opening by simply placing the “RIFLE pokes out scene” early in your script.

INT. VIEWING ROOM – NIGHT

A glassed-in booth high up at the top of the theatre. The viewfinder of a RIFLE pokes through an opening in one window.

And actually, after thinking about it a bit more, I’d put that scene right after Julia looked up at the glint of metal, then back to her music, and I’d change viewfinder to barrel.

Then I’d add this scene when Julia is at the conductor’s podium straightening the music:

INT. VIEWING ROOM – NIGHT

A glassed-in booth high up at the top of the theatre.

Up there, the viewfinder of a RIFLE puts Julia in its crosshairs as she stands at the podium.

That way the audience will be in a superior position to the characters, aware of the danger, likely to be in suspense about both Julia and the Conductor, and it happens on your very first page without having to do a Flashback.

Good Luck with this!

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Pat,

Great. And actually, I think we should continue to skim, as it might be better to have a cold read on our screenplays.

Thanks,

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Patricia,

Great job keeping up with all the assignments. I don’t have the time to review your class assignments, but when we get to DAY 18, I’d be willing to exchange feedback with you on your entire screenplay if you wanted to do that.

Thanks – alan

[Alan Larson]

11-3 Critique of Erica’s Elevated Scene Structures

Hi, Erica,

Yes. You nailed it.

Great job!

– alan

[Alan Larson]

11-2 Critique of Erica’s Elevated Scene Structures

Hi, Erica,

You improved the scene, but let me throw out a suggestion. If you used the Superior Position Structure, you could make it even more suspenseful. Add a super brief scene at the very beginning of this sequence inside the apartment. Show Damon putting the Luger in his back pocket and laying out the cocaine. Then when the cops bust in, the audience will all be in suspense because they know Damon has a gun and he’s snorting coke.

You’re improving all the time. Keep it up!

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 11 – Critique of Erica’s Elevated Scene Structures

Hi, Erica,

You’ve been continually making improvements to your writing and your script, so great job.

In this particular case, I think you have the opportunity to improve the conflict a lot by adding more danger. Larry and Buddy simply push their way into the room and handcuff Sidney and Damon. Larry and Buddy don’t appear to be in any danger. Simply having a gun somewhere on or next to Sidney or Damon or both of them would ramp up the intensity of this scene.

I know you can make this scene more intense. Give it another shot.

Keep up the great work,

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 10 – Critique of Erica’s Meaningful Action

Hi, Erica,

I think the fist slamming and arm grabbing certainly added Meaningful Action to the scene. If you can do this same type of Meaningful Action additions to all of your other talking heads scenes, you’re going to greatly strengthen your screenplay.

Keep up the great work,

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 6 – Critique of Erica’s Character Beats

Hi, Erica,

Crushed it again. I absolutely love the new introduction scene for Julia. Terrific job.

On the new Sidney scene, I think tweaking the dialogue between Julia and Sidney a bit might strengthen the scene. They obviously have practiced together before opening night, but it’s not clear through the scene that this isn’t their first interaction … or maybe it is.

Either way, I’d tweak this dialogue:

SIDNEY
You’re still the best thing that’s happened to this orchestra in years. Word of honor. And I stand by it.

SIDNEY

Haven’t had a chance to tell you this yet, but you’re the best thing…

Minor suggestions:

C.U. on a young woman’s face, alight with wonder.

– I’ve been told that giving camera directions in Spec Scripts is frowned on. You could simply write:

A young woman’s face gleams, alight with wonder.

Backing up, the camera shows her pivot around, …

– Same point.

She pivots around, …

Overall, great work!

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 5 – Critique of Erica’s Character Story Beats

Hi, Erica,

First of all, this is only Day 5 and I’ve already seen dramatic improvement in your Assignments. Wow.

Just a question of concern overall. I’m a bit unsure about how realistic the situation is at the Opera House. I think after the first shooting and the arrest of Sydney, they could proceed back to normal fairly quickly. But, if later, the lead tenor is shot on stage, too? Wouldn’t that freak everyone out? Consider if there is some other way to accomplish that part of the plot. Could he be killed in some accident that is only revealed later to be murder? Or not. If you’re good with it, keep it the way you have it.

Julia’s Improvement: Larry refuses Julia’s request to help in the investigations. She starts investigating on her own, unknowingly placing herself in danger. This adds tension and conflict to the story.

I think this is stronger and more realistic than the original 16. Nicely done.

Sydney’s improvement: The improvement made me want to know what the nasty behind-the-scenes troubles consisted of.

Charles – 16: What about the lead tenor? Who killed him? (Okay, later we find out that Damon is arrested for the murder, but did he really do it?)

Minor points:

Julia – 10: What kind of encounter? Nasty? Angry? Physical?

Larry – 15: attached s/be attacked.

You’re making great improvements. Keep up the great work.

Good luck – alan

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Erica,

I think you’ve done a really nice job with your character profiles. Each one has a distinct set of characteristics that stand out.

My only question (and it’s a carry-over from Assignment 3) is Julia’s observations of the chess board. Since it seems to be a key part to your Story Beats, I might like to see some explanation of this in Julia’s profile.

On the changes you made to the Character Profiles, these four in particular really add depth to your characters:

Julia – Learns to fight back aggressively when her life or a friend’s life is in danger.

Charles – An aggressive, unrelenting Don Juan will stop at nothing to grab the spotlight.

Larry – Larry uses his control freak side to discount others’ possibly valuable opinions.

Patricia – Delusions of grandeur

I think the hardest part of this assignment will be integrating these changes in our screenplays. I’m anxious to see how these changes come across in your script.

Another excellent class assignment on your part.

Keep up the great work, – alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment 3 – Critique of Erica’s Story Beats

Hi, Erica,

Wow. You did a lot of work on this and made a lot of really good changes. Sorry that I couldn’t come up with many helpful suggestions. You’re really crushing this class.

Act I, scene 2 – I like the warning and bizarre inscription. Great foreshadowing.

Act I, scene 6 – I didn’t see any difference between the Original and the Change?

Act II, scene 2 – Really nice change. Good job.

Act II, scene 4 – Another nice change. Good job.

Act II, scene 9 – Another good change, however, I’m a little uncertain which page of the song is which. Page 2 was noted as missing earlier, right? How many pages are there total? How many did she leave with Charles?

Act II, scene 10 – You might need to provide a little more background on Julia for readers to understand how she remembers the chess configuration?

Act III, scene 2 – that change was excellent.

Act III, scene 5 – I think you should change the scene heading. If Larry is hiding and protecting Julia at his apartment, why would they let Charles come there?

Act III, scene 9 – This is a key scene. It needs to read faster and more intensely. Shorter sentences (Readability Stats), and focusing on one key thing at a time, will really improve it.

Overall, really well done,

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Sandra,

Sure. Here are my comments on your Thriller Map v.1:

I think you’ve got quite a story here, and definitely a tragic ending, so if that’s what you’re going for – great job. There are a lot of strong points to your story. I’ve mostly only come up with minor items listed below.

For me, the biggest thing that could help your Thriller Map is to flesh out more information for the reader about the CURSE.

For example: INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT NIGHT: If the manuscript has vanished, why hasn’t the curse gone with it?

INT. PARK – DAY – How does Lilith know about the curse? The reader doesn’t know yet. A guard suggested paranormal activity, but how do Max & Celine know this?

It would be great for the reader to get some background early on about the curse. Why do they think the book’s cursed? What is the history of the curse? Have other people died? Who put the curse on the book? I assumed the apparitions are tied to the book/curse, but it might be helpful to know they are. This info doesn’t have to come all at once. Actually, it would be better if it came a little at a time, building the terror/suspense.

And then, if the Seller sold the Auction House a fake manuscript, and Max bought a fake, why is the fake cursed? That part, I didn’t understand.

Other than that, all I came up with are minor points.

Minor points:

– Maybe give the reader just a few more hints about MAX, CELINE, LILITH & VICTOR when they first appear. Maybe ages and full names. Maybe a little something that we could see on the screen, but has to be in writing for your Thriller Map.

– For more clarity in the very first scene, in between the two paragraphs, you could add a scene heading like: LATER

– I didn’t know what Gaspard is, maybe flesh it out a little for readers like me.

– INT. AUCTION HOUSE – DAY (Your sentences will read faster if they’re Active instead of Passive.) i.e.: Max texts furiously. Annoyed, Celine wants to go home. His brow sweats. He wrings his fingers.

– In the scene heading HOSPITAL is spelled wrong.

– In the HOSPITAL scene: He gets to her room – would be better ‘He gets to Celine’s room.’

– INT. LIBRARY – MINUTES LATER: The main character’s name changes from MAX to MAXIM. Unless there’s an intentional reason for doing this, it would be easier to follow if you kept it consistent throughout.

– INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY: in the second sentence, I think ‘head’ should be ‘heard.’

– INT. FOYER – DAY & INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – EVENING: Is there a reason the text is red?

That’s all I have. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.

Good Luck!

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Erica,

First, feel free to exchange critiques with other classmates if you have time. Hopefully, they’ll give you better feedback than what I’ve been able to come up with.

Like I mentioned earlier, I think you have an authentic and interesting story going here. I also think your Basic Structure seems pretty sound. You did a good job of brainstorming. I think you improved your Mid-Point with the change. Having already written a novel about this story brings lots of depth to it.

My only questions are about the Missing Page of the song. It seems to be very important to the plot structure, providing the clue for Julia to solve the mystery. I’d like to see a few more details about the Missing Page included in the narrative here, like where it was and how Julia found it. I think that would make your structure even stronger.

Keep up the great progress!

– alan

[Alan Larson]

Assignment 1 – Critique of Erica’s One Pager

I think you have an interesting story going here. Obviously, with your background you bring a lot of authenticity to this screenplay which is awesome. Those authentic items that are unknown to us in the general public will help make yours a strong script.

It appears we both have adapted our screenplays from novels that we’ve written so we should have a lot of things we can help each other with. I just took Hal’s Thriller class in May/June. That class helped improve both my screenplay and my novel, so hopefully this class will do that for both of us, as well.

I’m guessing we’re supposed to comment on the content, but I don’t have much input on that at this point other than to say it looks like you’ve got a good structure in place already.

Since you’re using MS Word, you should turn-on READABILITY STATS in OPTIONS in the PROOFING section. In James V. Smith’s book, THE WRITER’S LITTLE HELPER, Smith sets out his guidelines on what writers should try for with Minimum or Maximum readability values.

———————————BEST —–Your Draft

Words per sentences: MAX – 15 —–25.2

Characters per word: MAX – 4.5 ——4.9

Flesch Reading Ease: MIN – 80 ——-42.5

Flesch-Kincaid Grade: MAX – 6 ——-13.5

Pace: ………………………..MIN – 74 ——29.0

Passive Sentences: …..MAX – 5% —–13.6%

Replacing some of the passive verbs with active verbs would give your synopsis more punch. If you broke up a lot of your long sentences into two or three shorter sentences, your Synopsis would read a lot faster and make it easier to understand. Particularly with the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would break that up to emphasize the argument between Abel and Sydney. Especially since that seems to be what sends Sydney to jail. I had to reread that sentence a couple times to fully grasp what happened there.

Super minor point, in the first sentence of the last paragraph, instead of ‘hen’ I think you meant ‘when.’

Best of luck! – alan

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Erica,

Since we’re both doing murder/thriller type of scripts, do you want to “partner up” and critique each other’s work?

Thanks – alan

[Alan Larson]

Hey, Fellow Students,

Actually, all you need to do is one of you click on the other’s name, then once their page pops up, click on CONNECT over on the right side of the page. The other student simply needs to ACCEPT the connection, and then you two can communicate with each other privately via the internal email system here.

Good Luck! – alan

[Alan Larson]

Hey, Erica,

Great. I just sent you a member CONNECT request. You have to accept it so we can chat via this email system. Thanks – alan

[Alan Larson]

Hey, Sandra,

After you and Kim have exchanged feedback and you’ve created your Thriller Map version 2, would you like to exchange feedback on our version 2s?

Thanks – alan

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Kim,

You’ve done a great job on your Thriller Map. I had a really hard time coming up with anything to comment on. I read it several times. The first time through, I felt a bit confused here and there, but I think that’s what the reader/viewer is supposed to feel as that’s what Sage is feeling, too. So excellent work!

All I’ve got are minor points:

1. As far as the Voices – who are Juno & Minerva and why are they important?

2. I had to Google 5150 holds – maybe just add a couple words on what it is – a Welfare involuntary detainment.

3. I think you should emphasize your first turning point more – adding in something like this: Thinking that men are hunting for her, her mother is dead and she has no place to go, Sage agrees to accompany Lindsey to Los Angeles.

4. Question: How, when and where does Lindsey learn about Diana’s betrayal? It seemed completely out of the blue for Lindsey to show up and kill Diana at her home.

5. Timing question – how does Lindsey get from Diana’s house to Fed West in time to catch Sage. Maybe put the Diana’s kitchen scene first?)

6. When is Trey is found and freed? Knowing that will help tie the story together.

That’s it. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help. And thanks so much for your critique of my Thriller Map. Best of luck! – alan

[Alan Larson]

Hi, Kim – Want exchange critiques on this first version of our Thriller Maps?

Thanks! – alan