[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Ready to Exchange Feedback Version 2

I didn’t like Version 1 myself, so I rewrote it.

OUTLINE FOR
DEATHWATCH

CONCEPT
A young man on the cusp of adulthood is challenged with an incurable disease. He has plans, but does he keep them or give up?

MAIN CONFLICT
Life: will you choose it or lose it? Albert is thrust into the company of three other life travelers who are forced to join him as they each battle their way through the quagmire of life’s existential questions. Each must choose. Who will win? Who will not?

GENRE
Drama, Contained.

TITLE
DEATHWATCH

LOGLINE
A college kid’s hopes are ripped away, and his tempters will finish him off if he doesn’t choose quickly.

OVERALL, OBJECTIVE STORY, STORY DRIVER CHARACTERS
To minimize the number of characters while still representing all eight of the characteristic sets, each Driver Character has been paired with a Passenger Character to create four Complex Characters.

ALBERT (AL) DUNSTON, (19) = Protagonist (with Action/Decision characteristics of Pursue/Consider )
Paired with the Reason Character with Action/Decision characteristics of Control/Logic

HELEN (NURSE) KRAMER, (31) = Guardian (with Action/Decision characteristics of Help/Conscience )
Paired with the Sidekick Character with Action/Decision characteristics of Support/Faith

ARCHIE COBB, (55) = Antagonist (with Action/Decision characteristics of Prevent/Reconsider )
Paired with the Emotion Character with Action/Decision characteristics of Uncontrolled/Feeling

JAMES (DOC) ANDREWS (27) = Contagonist (with Action/Decision characteristics of Hinder/Temptation )
Paired with the Skeptic Character with Action/Decision characteristics of Oppose/Disbelief

INTERNAL, SUBJECTIVE STORE, STORY CHARACTERS
These two characters, who are part of the Overall list of characters, along with their personal connection to each other—the Subjective Story—form the heart of the Overall Story.

Main Character = ALBERT (AL) DUNSTON, (19):
Albert has a Plan, but he’s a bit too full of himself to ever get it to work.

Influence Character = HELEN (NURSE) KRAMER (31):
Helen Reigns in some of Albert’s ego while applauding his willingness to Change. Thus, Albert becomes the Subjective Story Change Character to her Subjective Story Steadfast Character.

ABOUT:
This needs to be completed, It was done, but so hopelessly run-together I couldn’t work with it, so I’m redoing it.
ALBERT DUNSTON
SUMMARY: Albert has been raised in an ultraconservative, Fundamentalist Christian community with constricted views on just about everything from religion to science. But Albert is beginning to see a schism between simple observation and “belief.” This has led him to an interest in physics, and he has started college, and this act, alone, is viewed by his community as rebellion. This is his inner conflict. His wound is living with societal prejudice on the one hand and the fear of censorship on the other. The universe was created by fiat, 6,000 years ago and there is neither discussion nor further thought allowed on the subject. Views on health and illness is similar. If you’re sick, it’s divine judgment, and the treatment is confession.

Internal Conflict
His religious beliefs vs. experience and observation

Subtext
He’s living something of a double life

Wound
He feels like a joke to the world and does not fit in.

Motivation
His curiosity about things

Dilemma
When does he admit his double life and embrace what he’s become – a scientist?

Intrigue (secrecy, stratagem, interest)
His secret life with fellow science students, asking forbidden questions.

Secret Identity
He’s become a scientist.

HELEN KRAMER
Internal Conflict
As with Albert, but less structured, she wonders why she’s being punished, even if she is.

Subtext

Wound

Motivation

Dilemma

Intrigue (secrecy, stratagem, interest)

Secret Identity

ARCHIE COBB
Internal Conflict

Subtext

Wound

Motivation

Dilemma

Intrigue (secrecy, stratagem, interest)

Secret Identity

JAMES ANDREWS
Internal Conflict

Subtext

Wound

Motivation

Dilemma

Intrigue (secrecy, stratagem, interest)

Secret Identity

ACT 1 [CLASSIC ACT I
MMM Step 1: Status Quo “Opening”: Albert finds himself in a restricted ward or unit designated for seriously ill, uncertain prognosis patients. Nurse Helen tries to wave off Archie and James protectively.
MMM Step 2: Inciting Event or Incident: Albert appears to be completely healed, and semi-true to form, he feels the need to brag about it. His fellow inmates fail to find the logic in it and rail against him.
First Major Turning Point: After a miraculous recovery, Albert relapses, and all his religious training comes into play, again. Now, he becomes remorseful as he considers Archie’s advice to shut up and reconsider.

ACT 2 [CLASSIC ACT IIA
MMM Step 3: Plan A or Plan of Action – Fails: Albert tries to become “one of the guys, but his religious “weirdness” continues to trip him up. Nurse Helen tries to counsel Albert not to try to match wits with Archie and James, but they keep drawing him back into the fray.
MMM Step 4: Plan B or New Plan—Fails: Albert tries to take on Archie and James by playing their game, but they are still way ahead of him in both age and experience. He cannot out-argue them.
However, James, by temperament, becomes overwhelmed when Albert relapses once again. Archie finds this humorous, and James finds it disgusting.

A Major Seismic Event Occurs. An Earthquake rattles the hospital and cuts off access to the “Death Ward.” James and Archie both freak out, but for James, it’s more life-threatening than ever.

Mid-Point Major Twist: James Dies. He cannot survive the stress. Archie becomes withdrawn and questions his behavior.

ACT 3 [CLASSIC ACT IIB]
MMM Step 5: Plan C or Rethink Everything – Albert, The Main Character, has still not changed enough. He finally figures out that the problem is not with either James, now deceased, or Archie, but with himself. He withdraws from Nurse Helen and Archie as he tries to regroup his thoughts and actions.

MMM Step 6: Crisis: Archie hallucinates, goes Berserk, and attacks Nurse Helen and Albert. Nurse Helen barricades Albert and herself in the medication room and calls security.

Second Major Turning Point: Security breaks through the rubble and gets Archie out of the hospital. [Not seen, but Loud sounds beyond the steel medication room door]. Later: Nurse Helen gets a call that Archie is gone, taken to a prison hospital, so it’s safe to come out.

ACT 4 [CLASSIC ACT III]
MMM Step 7: Climax: Helen and Albert leave the medication room to a somewhat torn-up ward/unit. Still shaken but the events, Albert and Helen enter into thoughtful conversation as they clean up the mess that Archie left behind. Conversation follows conversation as Albert’s new life is mapped out.

MMM Step 8: Resolution: Nurse Helen gets a call – Once out of the prison hospital, Archie wasted no time in getting himself shanked by a fellow inmate and is now dead. Conversations continue as Helen and Albert explore their feelings for each other, and Helen decides to claim her life back – just not with Albert.

Albert is cleared to leave the hospital. The embrace, and both promise to remain friends “forever.”

Epilogue
Seventy years later: A 90-year-old Albert places a flower on Helen’s grave, but the gravestone reads, “Helen Taylor.” The gravestone next to hers reads, “Gus Tayler.”
Albert expounds, thoughtfully, on their lives and their choices made good that day, long ago.

QUESTIONS TO SOLVE:

The first thing that needs to be solved is when and how Albert finds out about Nurse Helen’s tragic loss. What is its effect on him—early on, later on?

The second thing that needs to be solved. What’s fueling Archie’s attitudes? I need to do a work-up on him like I did for Albert. Ditto for James and Helen

3. Third thing that needs to be solved. Why is Helen so sad? There‘s more to it than just her loss of husband and child. She’s very complex and carries a lot of baggage, as does everyone else. I’m sure a lot of this will emerge when I begin to write and create the story.

4. The fourth thing that needs to be solved. Thinking outside the box, creativity suggests that I need “other” external forces to expand the hope/fear generated by the patients and their diseases. I’m thinking earthquake on a level similar to the one in the San Fernando Valley, where a whole tower toppled over, effectively cutting them off from the rest of the world. This, especially, has a profound fear attachment to Archie

5. I am sure more questions will come, but I’m not far enough along to guess what they might be yet.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Feedback Version 1
“What I learned doing this class is –
Lining up all the small details seemed confusing at first, but it was doing two things. First, it was forcing me to think in terms of “What’s this story about, anyway.” And secondly it began forcing creativity as I added to and changed course in my thinking. I also found that creating and editing are closer together than I imagined. I sail, so that part of me repeatedly surfaces, but if the budget says “NO SAILING,” that’s an imposed edit over which I have no control. So what good does it do to imagine “on the water” scenes? I’ve been there and done that, and those scripts get tossed every time. Yet we do see boat scenes all the time, even on TV.

Now that I’m ready to write, I have a big garden of ideas from which to start building a story, and as I build, new ideas keep popping up. When I long ago set about to write my first database, I had no idea what dimensionality meant, but I figured it out, wrote a 3-dimensional database, and then defended it in Federal Court (long story). Writing without the usual cliched fistfights and chase scenes is something I’m learning to do by adding levels of dimensionality. This is challenging but fun.
ASSIGNMENT 12
Concept:
A teen, more dead than alive, is wheeled into a special hospital unit for guarded prognosis patients and soon discovers he’s been automatically booked “on a voyage of the damned,” but he chooses to give fate no quarter, despite the scorn of his fellow travelers who become classic “Job’s Wife” critics – “Curse God and die.”

In brief: Death is inevitable; life is not. If we want to know life, we have to ride it out to the end.

Main Conflict: Life – choose it or lose it.
a. Albert sees himself as a winner, not a loser, so inherently, must choose to accept his loss of life as he has known it, despite the tempters who cause him to fear both life and death.
b. Archie plays on his fear of death by denying it via braggadocio and intimidation.
c. James plays on his fear of living by continually reminding himself of all the things he can’t do anymore.
d. Helen, though Albert’s perseverance rethinks her character arc – where it’s taking her?

Subjective Story: The Main and Influence Characters and their Internal (Subjective) Story
Main Character Albert Dunston Is a little too ego-driven – too cock-sure of himself.
Influence Character Nurse Helen Kramer reigns in Albert’s ego but embraces his life-spirit.

Objective Story: All the story characters/characteristics, including the Main and Influence characters
 ARCHETYPES * CHARACTER CHARACTERISTICS
Action/Decision

1. Protagonist: Albert (Al) Dunston Pursue/Consider
+Reason: Control/Logic

2. Guardian: Nurse Helen Kramer Help/Conscience
+Sidekick: Support/Faith

3. Antagonist: Mr. Archie Cobb Prevent/Reconsider
+Emotion: Uncontrolled/Feeling

4. Contagonist: James (Doc) Andrews Hinder/Temptation
+Skeptic Oppose/Disbelief

 Note how I combined the four archetypal Driver characters with the four archetypal Passenger characters [the classic eight] to make only four complex characters.

Title:
DEATHWATCH

Genre:
A Contained Drama

Logline:
A college kid’s hopes are ripped from him, and his goulash tempters are poised to finish the job if he can’t re-find them.

Act 1:

Opening
Nurse Helen wheels Albert to his room – and warns Archie and James to leave him alone.
a. Albert:
Fear – he’s certain he’s dying.

i. Internal Conflict
Albert believes that suicide is a sin, but he’s terrified of living in a dog-eat-dog world as “half a man.”

ii. Subtext
Albert has been raised ultra-conservative evangelical Christian with all the baggage that that entails, but:
He is now forced to reconsider everything he’s ever been taught, and
His church family is adding to his disbelief by trying to force an outcome to their liking

iii. Wound
Albert has had to struggle against prejudice all his life, and
Now, he faces exclusion because of his illness
Not to mention his lack of physical strength, his self-doubts, and the guilt being loaded on him

iv. Motivation
Albert’s inner voice, telling him to find a different way
Helen’s encouragement to find a better way. She’s a flawed person but with no excuses
Albert’s distrust of both Archie and James, two flawed people that are full of excuses
Albert’s natural inquisitiveness about meaning and his love of science

v. Dilemma
Does he have to give up everything he’s ever believed, or can he reshape his life with new understandings?

vi. Intrigue (secrecy, stratagem, interest)
Albert’s secret love affair with science is driving him straight into conflict

vii. Secret Identity
As a college student, he’s already “hanging with friends” his church would not approve of but with whom he can share his understanding of science

viii. Hidden Agenda
Albert wants to become a scientist, but sooner than later, he’s going to have to “come out of his spiritual closet” and assert his own personal selfhood and beliefs

ix Hidden Character History
Albert believes that truth is where you find it, not in an arbitrary set of rules of conduct

x. Character layers
Albert as fundamentalist Christian
Albert a secret scientist
Albert as a thinker – looking outside the box

b Helen:
Fearful that Archie and James will push Albert over the edge. He seems too naïve.

c. Archie:
Hopefully, he can turn Albert’s “certain death” into a propaganda campaign against Helen.

i. Internal Conflict
Archie.”

ii. Subtext
Archie

iii. Wound
Archie

iv. Motivation
Archie

v. Dilemma

vi. Intrigue (secrecy, stratagem, interest)
Archie

vii. Secret Identity
Archie

viii. Hidden Agenda
Archie

ix Hidden Character History
Archie

y. Character layers
Archie

ii. James:
Disgusted by Archie’s rank attitudes, and fearful for what Archie could do to him as well as Albert.

Plot Layers
Surface Layer: Four people, thrown together, struggle to understand their lives, why they’re here, and what will happen to them.

Beneath That: Their futures are actually already history now, and they are all mere footnotes in time.

How Revealed: In the epilogue, where Albert gives his final goodbye to Helen.

Character Layers:
Albert
Surface Layer: Albert is a young man with a presumptive death sentence written all over his body. He has a tentative Dx of Systemic Lupus erythematosus (SLE)

Beneath That: Albert is a college student in physics.

Beneath That: Albert, for some time, has been questioning his Christian articles of faith as being arbitrary, if not irrational.

How Revealed: In bits and pieces on his own and via discussions with each of the other characters.

Helen
Surface Layer: Helen is a large, multi-tiered hospital staff nurse. She shows up each morning, does her work with efficiency, and then goes home.

Beneath That: She is a very lonely, lost soul.

Beneath That, She became a Nurse to (a) pay the bills and (b) to fight her depression.

Beneath That: She had a husband and son. Both died.

Beneath That: She was a teenage runaway.

How Revealed: In bits and pieces, talking with Albert.

Archie:
Surface Layer: Archie presents as an older guy with a crusty, malevolent attitude. He’s here because of a Dx of tertiary syphilis. He demonstrates the symptoms of personality change, hallucinations, and forgetfulness. He was a danger to himself and to others living homeless

Beneath That: Archie has a recent history of being homeless.

Beneath That: Archie was a businessman with a questionable lifestyle.

Beneath That: Archie had a friend he trusted who cheated him and left him destitute.

How Revealed: He is a wanted man, was hiding out, but when his behavior got out of control he ended up in the hospital against his will, and eventually, he is transferred to a prison hospital. In short, he is a con man who was hiding out on the street.

James
Surface Layer: James presents as a spoiled rich kid who was in his third year of medical school, before this place. He’s here because of his Dx of hairy cell leukemia (HCL).

Beneath That: James was not a promising student. He hated medicine.

Beneath That: James was bullied by his father into becoming a physician.

Beneath That: James became passive because his mother had become passive to his father and would not stand up to him.

How Revealed: James goes into a rant and reveals his desire to die – how he has considered suicide in the past.

Location Layers
Surface Layer: The location is clearly a hospital unit or ward.

Beneath that: This hospital unit is a unique special needs ward for seriously life-challenging illnesses. A kind of “voyage of the damned.” A “waiting for God” kind of place.

Beneath that: Except, the entire story is a memory of a pivotal time for Albert.

How revealed: Albert is 90 years old, in a cemetery, saying goodbye to his deceased friend, Nurse Helen, for what may be his last time.

Inciting Incident
“It’s a miracle.” The next day, Albert seems completely cured.
a. Albert: Hopeful his prayers, and those of his church, have been heard, and he is cured.
b. Helen: Hopeful Albert will adjust to the reality of his illness when his medication’s side effects kick in.
c. Archie: Fearful of Albert’s “miracle” will work against him, and he begins to fear God’s wrath.
d. James: Hopeful, maybe he can be cured, too.

Turning Point – Albert Relapses
Albert relapses. Archie and James are emboldened in their critique of him.
a. Albert: Fearful he’s being punished for being too boastful of his miracle cure.
b. Helen: Fearful Albert will lose rational hope and, like James, fall for Archie’s negativism.
c. Archie: Hopeful he can still get the audience he’s looking for, to use against Helen and his doctor.
d. James: Caught between Hope and Fear, he doesn’t know what to think, like Albert – or Archie.

Act 2: Archie exacerbates the fears in Albert and James
New plan
Albert agrees to take it easy. To take his medication. To focus on getting well.
a. Albert: Hopes he can get support from James and Archie. Apologies for showing off.
b. Helen: Hopes this is Albert’s first step towards being rational about his illness.
c. Archie: Fears Albert’s rational change. It forces him to think about what he’s avoiding.
d. James: Fears, once again, that his hope was in vain.

Plan in action
Albert sets a routine.
a. Albert: Makes a show of conforming to his schedule.
b. Helen: Encourages Albert in his hopeful commitment to improving his health.
c. Archie: Fears Albert’s rational change and becomes defensively rude in his characterization of Albert’s religious component. Arguments.
d. James: Hopes Archie’s tirades are justified (even though he knows better – the fear element in his Hope/Fear), and maybe an incompetent doctor, in fact, gave him the wrong Dx – joins in with Archie.

Midpoint Turning Point – James Dies
Albert relapses again — is embarrassed. Archie, followed by James, taunts him relentlessly.
a. Albert: Fears that he still hasn’t done enough.
b. Helen: Fears Albert will fall in with James and just give up.
c. Archie: Hopes, once again, he can justify his own bad actions by creating ultimate disruption on the unit and blaming the hospital and its staff.
James dies.

Act 3:
Rethink everything
Albert Archie to join him. He refuses – derides Albert mercilessly.
a. Albert: Hopes he’s right and Archie’s wrong and continues to make efforts to change.
b. Helen: Seeing Albert’s persistence Hopes she, too can find a way out of her misery.
c. Archie: Fears, again that he’s losing his battle of self-justification.

New plan
Albert decides to go it alone if that’s what it takes.
a. Albert: Fears for his changing thoughts on miracles, God’s wrath, his church’s disapproval.
b. Helen: Fears for herself as she is forced to relive her losses through Albert and to self-examine.
c. Archie: Hopes Albert will die, too.

Earthquake.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift – Major Earthquake – the ward is isolated –
Archie goes berserk – attacks Helen
Albert becomes depressed – feels he’s a joke – relapses further
a. Albert: Fears he is losing his grip. Want’s nothing to do with Archie.
b. Helen: Fears for the effect this will have on Archie
c. Archie: Fears he’s totally lost control of Albert and Helen
Archie goes berserk and attacks Helen
d. Helen and Albert barricade themselves inside the medication room. Helen is forced to call security
e. Security finally breaks through and takes Archie into custody

Act 4:
Final plan
Concentrating on only his physical condition does not suffice; Albert comes to understand the need to develop his mind, too.
a. Albert: Hope springs to life again as he begins to imagine his future, realizing what he can still do.
b. Helen: Her Hopes build on the strength of Albert’s. She, too, realizes she doesn’t have to “live this way” anyway.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
Nurse Helen receives a call – In prison, Archie’s true identity is discovered (he’s been hiding out on the street as a homeless person), and he is killed in a prison fight.
This, along with James giving up, are sobering thoughts for both Albert and Helen

Resolution
Albert finally understands Nurse Hellen and himself.
Albert invites Nurse Hellen to join him in a search for how to live beyond tragedy.
She accepts. They become friends for life.
a. Albert: Hope Springs Eternal
b. Helen: Hopes for both of them and vows to become an active participant in Albert’s life-long search for meaning.
c. Archie: Terminal Fear got him killed.
d. James: Terminal Fear caused his body to give up.

Epilogue:
Graveside: A very old Albert decorates Helen’s grave as he recites their mutually productive years of friendship
Albert: Hopes that maybe his former beliefs were not all wrong – that he will see Helen and her family again, together with his wife and his children.

QUESTIONS TO SOLVE:
1. First thing that needs to be solved.
When and how does Albert find out about Nurse Helen’s tragic loss? What is its effect on him?
2. Second thing that needs to be solved.
What’s fueling Archie’s attitudes? I need to do a work-up on him like I did for Albert,
3. Third thing that needs to be solved.
Why is Helen so sad? There‘s more to it than just her loss of husband and child.
4. The fourth thing that needs to be solved.
Thinking outside the box, creativity suggests that I need “other” external forces to expand the hope/fear generated by the patients and their diseases. I’m thinking earthquake on a level similar to the one in the San Fernando Valley, where a whole tower toppled over, effectively cutting them off

5. I need to work in the MMM Steps and cluster an event progression with them as well as with the Acts.
Act 1 Step 1 Intro
Act 1 Step 2 Inciting Event
First Major Twist

Act 2 Step 3 Plan A
Act 2 Step 4 Plan B
Midpoint Twist

Act 3 Step 5 Plan C
Act 3 Step 6 Second Major Twist

Act 4 Step 7 Crisis
Act 4 Step 8 Resolution

6. Etc.
Alfred Dunham’s Feedback Version 1
“What I learned doing this class is –
Lining up all the small details seemed confusing at first, but it was doing two things. First, it was forcing me to think in terms of “What’s this story about, anyway.” And secondly it began forcing creativity as I added to and changed course in my thinking. I also found that creating and editing are closer together than I imagined. I sail, so that part of me repeatedly surfaces, but if the budget says “NO SAILING,” that’s an imposed edit over which I have no control. So what good does it do to imagine “on the water” scenes? I’ve been there and done that, and those scripts get tossed every time. Yet we do see boat scenes all the time, even on TV.

Now that I’m ready to write, I have a big garden of ideas from which to start building a story, and as I build, new ideas keep popping up. When I long ago set about to write my first database, I had no idea what dimensionality meant, but I figured it out, wrote a 3-dimensional database, and then defended it in Federal Court (long story). Writing without the usual cliched fistfights and chase scenes is something I’m learning to do by adding levels of dimensionality. This is challenging but fun.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Budget

“What I learned doing this assignment is –

I’m finding it difficult to apply the notion of Creativity in the face of all these restrictions. I’m going to have to rethink this whole writing thing. It’s like I don’t know how to turn off all those creative thoughts I’m not allowed to use because if I do, I know my script will get ditched. I feel trapped in a bottleneck. I was even critiqued once for creating a psychiatrist who, the critic said, “sounds more like a priest than a psychiatrist.” I was President of the medical staff in a psychiatric hospital for 21 years! Critiques like that are hard to take!

ASSIGNMENT 9

ASSIGNMENT

For this assignment, assume the producer asked you to accomplish two opposite purposes – cut costs by 25% in one version and quadruple the budget in a second version.

1. Review this list and tell us how many ways you could decrease the budget for your project if necessary.

MAIN VARIABLES

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[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s 4 Act Structure

“What I learned doing this assignment is –

To understand the story’s fine points, one must understand where those fine points are derived. Otherwise, the story becomes an aimless wander.

ASSIGNMENT 7

Create a first draft of your 4-Act Structure.

1. Tell us the following:

Concept:

A teen, more dead than alive, is wheeled into a special hospital unit for low prognosis patients and discovers he’s “on a voyage of the damned,” but he refuses to accept his fate, despite the scorn of his fellow travelers who essentially become the classic “Job’s Wife” – “Curse God and die.”

Main Conflict

The teen refuses to accept his loss of life as he has known it, and everyone attacks his hopefulness:

a. The older man plays on Albert’s (and his own) fear of death,

b. The younger man plays on Albert’s (and his own) fear of living and

c. The Nurse, though understanding Albert to some point, plays on his fear of permanent loss of friendship/family/social relationships, i.e., his church and natural family.

2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:

Opening

Nurse Helen wheels Albert to his room – and warns Archie and James to leave him alone.

· Inciting Incident

“It’s a miracle.” The next day, Albert seems completely cured.

Turning Point

Albert relapses. Archie and James are emboldened in their critique of him.

Act 2:

New plan

Albert agrees to take it easy. Take his medication. Get well

Plan in action

Albert sets a routine.

Midpoint Turning Point

Albert still relapses and is embarrassed. Archie, followed by James, taunts him relentlessly.

Act 3:

Rethink everything

Albert invites the other two patients to join him. They refuse – deride him mercilessly.

New plan

Albert decides to go it alone if that’s what it takes.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift

Albert becomes depressed – feels he’s a joke — relapses.

Act 4:

Final plan

Concentrating on only his physical condition does not suffice; Albert comes to understand the need to develop his mind, too.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict

a. James, seeing Albert struggle, decides he doesn’t want to live like that. Dies.

b. Archie, after he loses James as a disciple, becomes violent in a rage against Albert and Nurse Helen.

c. Nurse Helen calls security.

d. Nurse Helen and Albert are now alone, and they are despondent – and feel responsible — for what has happened.

Resolution

Nurse Helen receives a call – In prison, Archie’s true identity is discovered (he’s been hiding out on the street as a homeless person), and he is killed in a prison fight.

Albert finally understands Nurse Hellen, as well as himself.

Albert invites Nurse Hellen to join him in their search for how to live beyond tragedy.

She accepts. He will become her surrogate son, and she will become his surrogate mom.

Albert leaves to resume his life, difficult as it will be.

Epilogue:

Graveside: A very old Albert decorates Helen’s grave as he recites his productive life and love for her as his “mom.”

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  cheryl croasmun.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s 4 Act Structure

“What I learned doing this assignment is –

To understand the story’s fine points, one must have a firm understanding of where those fine points are derived. Otherwise, the story becomes an aimless wander.

ASSIGNMENT 7

Create a first draft of your 4-Act-Structure.

1. Tell us the following:

Concept:

A teen, more dead than alive, is wheeled into a special hospital unit for low prognosis patients and discovers he’s “on a voyage of the damned,” but he refuses to accept his fate, despite the scorn of his fellow travelers who essentially become the classic “Job’s Wife” – “Curse God and die.”

Main Conflict

The teen refuses to accept his loss of life as he has known it, and everyone attacks his hopefulness:

a. The older man plays on Albert’s (and his own) fear of death,

b. The younger man plays on Albert’s (and is own) fear of living, and

c. The Nurse, though understanding Albert to some point, plays on his fear of permanent loss of friendship/family/social relationships, i.e., his church and natural family.

2. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:

Opening

Nurse Helen wheels Albert to his room – and warns Archie and James to leave him alone.

· Inciting Incident

“It’s a miracle.” The next day, Albert seems completely cured.

Turning Point

Albert relapses. Archie and James are emboldened in their critique of him.

Act 2:

New plan

Albert agrees to take it easy. Take his medication. Get well

Plan in action

Albert sets a routine.

Midpoint Turning Point

Albert still relapses and is embarrassed. Archie, followed by James, taunts him relentlessly.

Act 3:

Rethink everything

Albert invites the other two patients to join him. They refuse – deride him mercilessly.

New plan

Albert decides to go it alone if that’s what it takes.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift

Albert becomes depressed – feels he’s a joke — relapses.

Act 4:

Final plan

Concentrating on only his physical condition does not suffice; Albert comes to understand the need to develop his mind, too.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict

a. James, seeing Albert struggle, decides he doesn’t want to live like that. Dies.

b. Archie, after he loses James as a disciple, becomes violent in a rage against Albert and Nurse Helen.

c. Nurse Helen calls security.

d. Nurse Helen and Albert are now alone, and they are despondent – and feel responsible — for what has happened.

Resolution

Nurse Helen receives a call – In prison, Archie’s true identity is discovered (he’s been hiding out on the street as a homeless person), and he is killed in a prison fight.

Albert finally understands Nurse Hellen, as well as himself.

Albert invites Nurse Hellen to join him in their search for how to live beyond tragedy.

She accepts. He will become her surrogate son, and she will become his surrogate mom.

Albert leaves to resume his life, difficult as it will be.

Epilogue:

Graveside: A very old Albert decorates Helen’s grave as he recites his productive life and his love for her as his “mom.”

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Delivering Multiple Layers!

“What I learned doing this assignment is –

The layers reinforce each other if planned out right.

ASSIGNMENT 6

1. Brainstorm potential plot layers.

· Surface Layer: Four people, thrown together, struggle to understand their lives, why they’re there, and what will happen to them.

· Beneath That: Their future has already happened and is now a mere footnote in time.

· How Revealed: In the epilogue, where Albert says goodbye.

2. Brainstorm potential character layers.

Albert

· Surface Layer: Albert is a teenage boy with a death sentence written all over his body. He has a presumptive Dx of Systemic Lupus erythematosus (SLE)

· Beneath That: Albert is a beginning college student in physics.

· Beneath That: Albert, for some time, has been questioning the articles of his faith as being irrational.

· How Revealed: In bits and pieces via discussions with each of the other characters.

Helen

· Surface Layer: Helen is a staff nurse in a large, multi-tiered hospital. She shows up each morning, does her work with efficiency, and then goes home.

· Beneath That: She is a very lonely, lost soul.

· Beneath That: She became a Nurse to (a) pay the bills and (b) to fight her depression.

· Beneath That: She had a husband and son. Both died.

· Beneath That: She was a teenage runaway.

· How Revealed: In bits and pieces, talking to Albert.

Archie

· Surface Layer: Archie presents as an old guy with a crusty, malevolent attitude. He’s here because of a Dx of tertiary syphilis. He demonstrates the symptoms of personality change, hallucinations, and forgetfulness.

· Beneath That: Archie has a recent history of living on the street.

· Beneath That: Archie was a businessman with a questionable lifestyle.

· Beneath That: Archie had a friend he trusted who cheated him and left him destitute.

· How Revealed: He is a wanted man who was hiding out, but when his behavior gets out of control in the hospital, he is transferred to a prison hospital. In short, he was a con man in hiding out.

James

· Surface Layer: James presents as a spoiled rich kid who was in his third year of medical school before this place. He’s here because of his Dx of hairy cell leukemia (HCL).

· Beneath That: James was not a promising student. He hated medicine.

· Beneath That: James was bullied by his father into becoming a physician.

· Beneath That: James became passive because his mother had become passive to his father and would not stand up to him.

· How Revealed: James goes into a rant and reveals his desire to die – how he has considered suicide in the past.

3. Brainstorm potential location layers.

Surface Layer: The location is clearly a hospital unit or ward.

Beneath That: This hospital unit is a unique special needs ward for life-threatening illnesses. A kind of “hall of the doomed and the damned.” A “waiting for God” kind of place.

Beneath that: Except, the entire story is a memory of a pivotal time for Albert.

How revealed: Albert is 90 years old, in a cemetery, saying goodbye to his deceased surrogate mom, Nurse Helen, for what may be his last time..

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Character Journeys!

“What I learned doing this assignment is –

I don’t know why I must still relearn this every single time, but start out – anywhere in the story – and the rest of the story will form around it, so long as one sets up the required structure first. I see no difference in a 3- or 4-part story structure. Whether I call the middle half of the script IIa and IIb or 2 and 3, makes no difference. Furthermore, I rather like Chris Soth’s MMM system of 8 Steps. Two steps to every story act or section conveniently breaks every act of roughly 27 pages into two Steps of roughly 13 ½ pages of text. I can easily wrap my mind around 13-14 pages, but not 27. This adds the benefit of keeping me tightly focused on where the story is going. In Soth’s MMM, Act IIa has a part A and a part B. Part A is Step 3, and Part B is Step 4 – and so on throughout the script. For Act I, for instance, Step 1 is the introductory part of the script where the key characters are introduced. Step 2 is where the story takes off, ending in a change of direction that ends up in the central argument – the CONFLICT.

Dramatica Theory, incidentally, is very big on Journee’s – maybe too much so, but at least they are recognized and are there.

ASSIGNMENT 5

1. For each of your main characters, create a 3-act Structure of their journey.

ALBERT

Beginning:

Albert is wheeled into an ICU-type unit, more dead than alive. The inmates refer to the unit or ward as “The Morgue.”

Turning Point:

Albert’s medication kicks in, and he thinks he’s cured.

Midpoint:

Albert turns for the worse, and it’s “come to Jesus, time.” Albert realizes for the first time that his life will never be the same, and he must either accept this or fall into James’ morbid fatalism.

Turning Point 2:

Albert struggles with life’s alternatives and decides to see it through. Who knows? Maybe someone will still find a cure, and being the curious type, he wants to live long enough to find out.

Dilemma:

Albert’s resolve is again tested.

3rd Act Climax:

The intensity of Albert’s dilemma puts his life in danger again, and he realizes that his decision to live must go much deeper than a mere intellectual decision – he literally must change everything about himself.

Ending:

Albert is released, but he knows he will be back many times – makes a pact with Nurse Helen – suggests that he could use a new mom, if she’s up to it.

HELEN

Beginning:

Nurse Helen wheels Albert into his hospital room – and warns the other inmates to leave him alone.

Turning Point:

Nurse Helen must try to council Albert that the medication he’s taking has serious side effects.

Midpoint:

Now, Nurse Helen must take the alternate approach to her earlier council and try to encourage him away from the negativism of both Archie and James.

Turning Point 2:

Nurse Helen has her hands full as she tries to isolate Archie and Albert in their rooms – doors closed – as a large wicker, covered box is wheeled off the ward.

Dilemma:

How will she break the news to the two remaining inmates – James is dead?

3rd Act Climax:

Working through James’ death with her two remaining patients, Helen does not change her resolve, but it changes her methodology.

Ending:

Nurse Hellen agrees to accept Albert’s pact.

ARCHIE

Beginning:

Archie is a bad-ass troublemaker with a complicated exterior that no one seems to be able to figure. But James seems to cling to him as surely as Albert is repulsed by him.

Turning Point:

Albert’s seeming recovery makes Archie even more hostile than before.

Midpoint:

James’ setback, in reaction to Albert’s relapse, leaves Archie in a “bad place,” and he doesn’t quite know how to deal with it.

Turning Point 2:

Archie is beginning to understand how his bad behavior is affecting everyone else’s, and he doesn’t know quite what to do. He does not want to be responsible—which is exactly what he has become—irresponsible.

Dilemma:

Archie must choose between taking responsibility for his misbegotten life and trying to avoid it, as he has for too long done.

3rd Act Climax:

Archie delays for too long, and James dies, so it’s too late. The damage is done.

Ending:

Archie’s bad influence is too much. He is transferred to a prison hospital unit even as he begs to remain, promising to reform.

JAMES

Beginning:

James is “flat affected” as he sees Albert for the first time – he feels sorry for him but also sees him as dead before his time.

Turning Point:

James is caught off guard for one moment – he thinks maybe he’s wrong about himself.

Midpoint:

Albert’s relapse has a serious effect on James. He enters a deep funk he never recovers from.

Turning Point 2:

James tries to recapture the hope he saw Albert’s miraculous change, but he cannot get past Albert’s relapse.

Dilemma:

James loses the argument. He dies.

3rd Act Climax:

James’ death becomes the sobering reality that affects everyone badly.

Ending:

Everyone vows to remember James.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Character Depth

“What I learned doing this assignment is –

Figuring out what makes a person tick can be a long and hard process, as well as searching for the factors that have made them what they are. But it is precisely those factors that make the story.

ASSIGNMENT 4

1. With each of your characters, go through these questions to see which might fit for your story.

DECISION:

AS A STARTING POINT FOR ME, I TOOK THE DRAMATICA EIGHT OBJECTIVE ARCHETYPE CHARACTERS AND HAVE COMBINED EACH DRIVER CHARACTER WITH ONE OF THE PASSENGER CHARACTERS TO MAKE FOUR COMPLEX CHARACTERS.

CHARACTERISTICS

ARCHETYPES CHARACTER ACTIION/DECISION

1. Protagonist: Albert Dunston Pursue/Consider

+Sidekick: Support/Faith

2. Guardian: Nurse Helen Help/Conscience

+Reason: Control/Logic

3. Antagonist: Mr. Archie Cobb Prevent/Reconsider

+Skeptic: Oppose/Disbelief

4. Contagonist: James (Doc) Andrews Hinder/Temptation

+Emotion: Uncontrolled/Feeling

Internal Character Depth

Albert

<ul type=”disc”>

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Right Characters.

What I learned doing this assignment is…

Oh, shocker! I did not expect to end up here. I expected I would choose the lone Ranger Station in a vast wilderness as the best choice. It wasn’t. Going through all the steps is imperative. Melanie Anne Phillips, of Dramatica fame, refers to this as dancing the two-step. It’s a process that takes time.

ASSIGNMENT 3

Compare your concept to your lead characters to find unique ways for them to fulfill the concept.

1. Think about your Concept Hook and Contained Setting.

Belief is not enough. One needs evidence to sort out life’s vicissitudes. The characters must sweat out their situations. Death is a vicious dude to deal with.

2. With each of your main characters, how can they uniquely fit with the Hook?

The British did a series titled “Waiting for God.” It’s about an old folk’s home where family members are quietly disposed of and forgotten – and die. The main difference with my concept is that it is loosely patterned after One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and most of the patients on “DEATH WARD” are neither children [Children’s Hospitals] nor old people [geriatrics] but young people just breaking into adult life.

Albert: He is a smart kid of 17. He had visions of becoming a veterinarian but has recently been torn between that and a thoracic surgeon. He has a girlfriend he has already decided will one day be his wife. But as he is wheeled onto the “Death Ward,” — blue, joints swollen, in intractable pain, a red rash across his nose… he cannot even swallow… drools into a napkin – one does not have to tell him that it’s serious. Little does he know, he will be “joined at the hip” with this place for thirteen years, never knowing when the end will come. To make matters even worse, he has been raised as a strict, devout Evangelical and has never wavered from the “Book.” He cannot figure out why this has happened to him.

Helen: I have a sister who studied psychology and became a hospital Chaplain. Her perpetual assignment was to “minister” to the needs of grieving parents who were losing a child. After three years, she folded. Helen is a Charge Nurse who must watch her patients die, one by one, on an ongoing basis, yet still be sensitive to their terror and their consternation. Albert is a challenge for her with his penetrating questions. She acts like an Obi-Wan Kinobe to a smart/smart-ass Luke Skywalker.

Each of the remaining 6 characters also have to play their roles. They’re just labels, but the Dramatica 8 characters help me sort out the roles. I’ve found that in a complete story, one can still double up on character roles, i.e., each of the four Driver Characters can pair up with one of the Passenger Characters, becoming “complex characters. But. using Sar Wars as an example, the Overall Story Characters are:

Driver Characters

Protagonist Luke Skywalker is the character with the goal.

The Antagonist, The Sith, is the character with the anti-goal

The Guardian – Obi-wan Kenobi is the character who cooperates with the Protagonist

The Contagonist, Darth Vader, is the character who cooperates with the Antagonist

Passenger Characters

Logic Princess Leia

Emotion Chewbacca

Sidekick The Droids, collectively

Skeptic Han Solo

They work in pairs and at odds with their counterparts. Luke and Obi-Wan are one pair that works against the other pair, The Sith and Darth Vader.

Subjective Story

There is yet another consideration within the Overall Story: a somewhat private story is going on with Luke and Obi-Wan – The Main Character vs. his or her Impact Character who moderates the actions of the first. In the story I’m proposing, Albert is both the Main Character and the Protagonist, and Nurse Helen is both the Impact Character and the Guardian. And this is just the first of the many layers that need to be built around each character. The action that happens between the Main and Impact Characters is somewhat transcendental. Obi-Wan has finally gained Luke’s full trust – “Luke. Trust the Force.” – and he responds. I had difficulty understanding this until I heard John Williams put it into musical terms. Talking about jazz, he said, “Note, Note, but something happens in between – something not written down.” Syncopation – how the notes are separated by time, strength, or something else. “Trust the Force.” Something happened – something unexpected yet expected – triumph over defeat.

Albert and Helen – something happens, and it changes their lives. And it affects the lives of all the other characters, like magic. Traditionally speaking, Albert is the “I,” Nurse Helen is the “You,”, the space between them carries the “We,” and everyone else are the “They.”

3. Thinking about the conflict that Hook creates, how does each main character enhance or cause that conflict?

To avoid redundancy, re-read the above.

4. Tell us what makes these characters the “right ones” for this story.

They are the right characters because each fulfills their specific story role. Albert has definite opinions and is frustrated by Nature’s lack of cooperation with HIS values. Nurse Helen gets him to rethink his parameters and grow into a much more mature person.

Tentatively, the other characters will be:

Nurse Assistant, Miss Charlotte Emotion

Dr. Sturm Logic

Harry Sidekick

David Skeptic

Mr. Cobb Antagonist

DOC (patient) Contagonist

[Alfred Dunham]

• Alfred Dunham’s Great Hook
  ASSIGNMENT 2
  How did this process work for you?
  Painful but great. Stepping outside the familiar or comfortable is never easy.
  What I learned doing this assignment is –
  It is possible to ask questions to help guide one to choose the best story.
  Do the following brainstorming sessions to discover a strong concept/hook. You only need one High Concept, but it is worth any brainstorming you need to do to discover it.
  1. Taking your 5 ideas from the Pre-Lesson, use the techniques below to brainstorm possible major hooks.

• A. Intriguing Contained Setting:

• 1. An offshore Island in the off-season.
  2. A small, remote Lodge on the border of a National Park during the offseason.
  3. A mountainous Ranger Station in a vast or isolated wilderness in winter.
  4. A locked, seriously acute hospital ward or unit containing patients with a high probability of dying.
  5. A small, commercial plane flying over a mountain range in winter crashes.
  B. Unique Device:

• 1. Ian is working for a foreign government and trying to hide his actions.
  2. Four mountaineers are dead up on the mountain, and Elyna is the Red Herring.
  3. Buck is terrified of the wilderness because he was mauled by a bear, which he religiously tries to keep silent about.
  4. Five patients face almost certain death. How do they manage to keep hope alive and try to survive the madness – or do they
  5. Like the Hospital Ward, above, but at a high elevation in mid-winter.
  C. Unique Monster/Villain:

• 1. Ian has confined the child originally placed in his care and protection to a state of harsh servitude – call it slavery.
  2. Russell has a secret that he is trying to hide and finds Elyna easy prey. Elyna also has a secret and that makes her reluctant to fight Russell’s accusation of being responsible for the deaths of the four mountaineers.
  3. Buck is secretly terrified of bears and wilderness. And then he finds he’s up against something far worse than bears – it has no name.
  4. What is it that is threatening to kill Albert? Will he succumb like all the others or will he be the exception?
  5. The passengers become subject to the worst villain of all – Mother Nature in a foul mood.
  D. Mystery:

• 1. What is Ian up to? He is so cranky and getting worse.
  2. Who killed the mountaineers?
  3. Who or what is trying to get at them (Buck and his wife) by night?
  4. What is Albert’s disease process, and what can he do about it?
  5. Is it even possible for them to get off the mountain on their own or find food enough to stay alive?
  E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem:

• 1. Ian is being pushed by both his “handlers” and Jake, who is just too smart for him to fool. Raisa is becoming unruly as her affection for Jake grows.
  2. Elyna finds it impossible to maintain her secret in the face of Russell’s unending accusations.
  3. How does Buck communicate with some unknown THING?
  4. Why did this happen to Albert (and the others)? How can they undo the disease that’s killing them, and how can they keep hope alive?
  5. Winter, elderly passengers, unprepared for winter, no one knows how to climb, let alone in these conditions, communications are gone….
  F. Unique layers:

• 1. Everyone has unique circumstances, fears, hopes, secrets, and gilts. Raisa has been beaten down for so long that she sees no way out. Albert is a healer—he can’t just give up on Raisa. Ian has multilayered himself into a corner and can’t escape, so he is terrified.
  2. Everyone has unique circumstances, fears, hopes, secrets, and gilts. Elyna thinks she’s an illegal alien. Russell hates his job and knows what it has done to him.
  3. Buck has fears and secrets his wife doesn’t know about.
  4. Each patient provides a different layer to the problem of death and dying.
  5. Each passenger brings their own set of solutions to the problem – none may seem appropriate, but one must emerge.
  2. Ask the High Concept Question.
  Having to do with __HOSPITALS_, what haven’t we seen before?

• “Hospitals.” We have seen Emergency scenes, surgery scenes, psychiatric units, and patient hospital rooms under many circumstances, but to my knowledge,
  We haven’t experienced a “Death Ward.”
  3. Pick one and do the Exchanging Components process.
  One film that comes to mind that features a hospital ward is, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
  List the components of your current concept, and.

• Brainstorm many alternatives for each component.

• 1. The injustice of non-tempted fate –
  a. Catastrophic Illness.
  b. Accidents.
  c. Genetic aberrations.
  d. Abduction/Kidnap.
  2. Terror
  a. Fear of pain.
  b. Fear of deformity in the face of non-acceptance.
  c. Fear of dependence.
  d. Fear of the unknown.
  e. Fear of living an unfulfilled life.
  f. Fear of death.
  3. The source of one’s strengths or weaknesses.
  a. One’s personal views about life and death.
  b. One’s understanding of fate.
  c. One’s spiritual views (religious or not).
  d. Self-cultured attitudes.
  e. Inherited attitudes
  f. Life lessons learned.
  g. Guilts, both real and imagined.
  Pick the most interesting and engaging.

a. The catastrophic Illness experienced.
b. Fear of the unknown – life or death.
c. Life lessons experienced, understood, and learned
4. From doing those steps, list all the possible concepts and select the one you believe will make the best-contained story AND will be a strong hook when you market this script.
Concerning the Main Character, Albert, he presents with some unknown catastrophic illness that has rendered him “dying.”
1. Albert fights back on a believed, personal basis. “It ain’t over till….”
2. Albert elects to give up and die because he believes healing is futile.
3. Albert fantasizes that he really isn’t sick at all – he’s just being tested.
4. Albert believes he’s being punished for something he’s done, and he must find out what it is and change his ways (and his illness will lift).
5. Albert becomes angry, curses God, and becomes intractable.
Albert fights back on an evidence-based, personal belief basis. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
So why does he think this way? What’s the evidence that has made him so convinced?
Note: All 5 possible concepts can be expressed through the other patients.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  cheryl croasmun. Reason: Removed HTML tags so others can post

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham. Guidelines for Ex Machina.

“What I learned doing this assignment is –

It is now imperative to consider all the new guidelines for filming and attempt to keep additional expenses to a minimum.

ASSIGNMENT 1

ASSIGNMENT PART 1: Select Your Project

They could all, reasonably, be Covid-19 secure. I wrote the Clarinda Treatment Complex Infection Control Manual in 1984 and after AIDS, it became the policy for all the State of Iowa Institutions. I have a good understanding of infection control.

However, some Ideas will be more difficult to contain than others. The one Idea that is the least complicated, infection wise, is the one where a Ranger, in a very remote mountain location, in winter, is completely isolated. Giving him a wife with whom to share the isolation, provides the potential for additional depth without affecting any other costs.

But there are signs – animal, or something else?– associated with disturbances associated with the Ranger Station [a cabin] and surrounds.

Possible Logline/Pitch – In a remote wilderness, in winter, a ranger and his wife presume they are alone until unnatural events begin to happen and they are forced to reconsider.

ASSIGNMENT PART 2: Adjust a Produced Movie to Covid Guidelines

Pick a movie that is outside the Covid Guidelines and give us your thoughts on how they could make it in the current production environment.

TITLE: Ex Machina, with Domhnall Gleeson, Alicia Vikander, and Oscar Isaac.

I just finished my second attempt at a Thriller, ISABELLA (which I now understand to already be a bad choice for a Title), it’s a psychological Thriller, and they are VERY isolated (as is Ryan and Isabella in my script), so this is my connection to Ex Machina as I attempt to move my understanding of the Thriller Genre further into containment. ISABELLA is already quite well contained, but there are mistakes, I admit.

AS THEY DID IT:

A. People: Throughout the bulk of the movie there are only four people, two of which are androids, and Ava [Alicia Vikander] is locked behind glass until the very end.

B. Stunts: There are no “stunts,” per se, requiring stuntmen or women.

C. Extras: There are numerous extras at the beginning of the movie where Caleb [Domhnall Gleeson] works

D. Wardrobe: Except for the coverings that make Ava look like the android she is, everyone else is in regular clothing.

E. Hair and Make Up: Alicia wears a head cap made to look mechanical, so there are no wigs. She wears her own hair when she’s made to be human.

F. Kids and Animals: None.

G. Quarantine: I don’t know.

COVID GUIDELINE VERSION:

A. People: Either there can be fewer people inside the work facility, in the beginning, or they can privatize Caleb’s offer to join the android study, eliminating the crowd.

B. Stunts: None.

C. Extras: Reduce.

D. Wardrobe: This has already been taken care of, but I do have concerns for the scenes in which involve Ava peeling the artificial skin off previous versions of her and applying them onto her own fame. The scenes also involve full frontal nudity which, in the best interests of the film, I don’t see as necessary. The film get a Rotten Tomatoes score of 92, but the audience score falls into the 80’s. Is this why?

E. Hair and Make Up: Once Ava’s skull cap is removed, Alicia’s own hair is used. The skull cap is only used for her.

F. Kids and Animals: None.

G. Quarantine: This can be simplified by having fewer extras.

[Alfred Dunham]

I am Alfred Dunham, and I agree to the terms of this release form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Alfred Dunham]

I am Alfred Dunham, M.A., [Ph.D.], D.D.S.

I have written one novel and eight screenplays: three were quarterfinalists, one was a semifinalist, one [WHY] was a Scriptapalooza Finalist, and one [ISABELLA] is currently out for judging.

I have been working, on and off, on a contained script. I got lost in it and need to re-group and start over or start a new one. I’m hoping this course will help with my “lostness.”

I was once Editor of Model Yachting, and in 2001 I was inducted into the American Model Yachting Association Hall of Fame.

My M.A. was in molecular biology, my Ph.D. was in molecular genetics. The brackets indicate that my doctoral committee didn’t like my dissertation, so I decided not to fight “city hall” – I became a dentist, instead. I predicted that there was only a 1% difference in the DNA of a human and a chimpanzee. It would take more than twenty years before The Human Genome Project proved I was right.

I was a dentist for 44 years, 28 years was in a psychiatric hospital/prison complex and 21 of those years was as President of the Medical Staff. My career ended with a stroke, so I’ve partially recovered and have written four screenplays, since. I’ve also had to live with Systemic Lupus erythematosus (1956) and Non-Hodgkins lymphoma (2016). I’m slow, but I get there. I’m 84.

[Alfred Dunham]

Hal said to get this script written fast. I’ve finished Act 1, MMM Steps 1 and 2, and have made two quick Interest Techniques passes. Today, I want to look at each Scene individually and see if I can enhance the IT’s before starting the writing for Act 4, MMM Steps 7 and 8. Then, I’ll do Acts 2 and 3.

I want to thank those who took the time to look at my Map and make comments. Several things have been changed, and I wrote with a higher awareness of where the weak spots were— success to all of you.

Alfred Dunham

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER MAP/SYNOPSIS: VERSION 3

Putting together all the recommendations I’ve received; this is my revised Synopsis.

TITLE:

MAD, MAD, MEGABYTE

LOGLINE:

Two former graduate school classmates marry, but years later, on their honeymoon, they are tested by psychological revenge from a rejected, clandestine suitor who still demands a win — or he wll destroy them.

ACT 1

EXT. BISTRO – DAY

ISABELLA (BELLA) ARMATO, (32), is a smart, beautiful, classy, woman in the prime of her life. She is now an established artist and owns her own business.

Isabella drives her sassy sports car up in front of The Bistro and parks it, just in time to see —

SILAS LOCKE, (34), is a scientific equipment salesman and representative for Samuelson Scientific.

Silas does the same with his service truck.

Isabella and Silas meet outside The Bistro and exchange surprised greetings, each wondering what the other is doing there.

Even though they only initially met incidentally, at a Starbucks, Isabella hesitantly talks Silas into a deception – that they pretend to not know each other.

Silas laughs – agrees – enters the bistro alone.

Isabella waits outside.

INT. THE BISTRO – DAY

RYAN (ROCKY) STONE, Ph.D., (32), is now a paleontology teacher at the university.

Ryan greets Silas and assures him that his bride-to-be, Isabella will be along shortly.

Isabella enters, Ryan introduces her to Silas and explains that Silas is there to make them a once in a lifetime offer, on behalf of Samuelson Scientific.

On behalf of his company Silas describes a wilderness honeymoon getaway to a privately owned Shangri-La, simply referred to as The Valley.

Silas slips up, however, and Ryan catches that Silas and Isabella already know each other.

Isabella is angry, but Silas does a masterful save.

Ryan and Isabella both agree to the generous offer.

EXT. UNIVERSITY ROSE GARDEN – DAY

Ryan and Isabella conclude the marriage ceremony with a kiss as a male guest at the edge of the garden leaves unnoticed.

Ryan and Isabella leave in a car driven by Silas.

EXT./INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

In a private quarter of the airport, the threesome, now in outdoor clothing, enter a helicopter and prepare to lift off.

The helicopter will not start.

Once again, Isabella is upset – doesn’t know if she can trust Silas or not.

And once again, Silas proves his worth. He fixes the problem, assuring Bella that he was a helicopter pilot in the army.

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Silas expertly pilots the helicopter to a very remote wilderness meadow and sets down. It’s a long flight.

EXT. MEADOW – DAY

Silas escorts Ryan and Isabella to a trailhead and wishes them well returns to the helicopter. Ryan and Isabella are finely alone and make the most of it.

EXT. TRAIL – DAY

Ryan and Isabella make the relatively short climb up to a lake that is the immediate headwaters for a waterfall and river into The Valley.

They encounter a snake in the trail, and Isabella screams. She does not fancy snakes.

Ryan laughs and relocates the snake, and they continue.

EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY

Ryan and Isabella arrive at the lake and Isabella’s fear of heights become clear as they view The Valley, far below.

It is as beautiful as Silas described it, and Isabella agrees to proceed on down the trail into The Valley.

EXT. DESCENDING TRAIL – DAY

Near the bottom, the trail winds through sheer granite walls, and Isabella becomes claustrophobic. She is definitely not a wilderness person.

The trail finally opens into The Valley.

EXT. GATE – DAY

A gate appears across the trail, and beside it, a small cabin.

A quirky GATEKEEPER with a long beard exits his tiny cabin and demands to see their passes – lets them through.

EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY

Ryan pauses to look back – comments on the oddness of a gatekeeper in a place like this.

Ryan and Isabella continue to make their way to the cabin – make stops along the way to absorb the beauty and freshness of the place. Both Isabella’s and Ryan’s moods change into wonderment.

EXT. BRANCH TRAIL – DAY

It’s getting late, and a ground fog is beginning to form.

Isabella shrieks. She sees a tiger chasing after a deer, but Ryan misses it.

Ryan is getting concerned about Bella’s fearful imagination.

Ryan catches a glimpse of an extinct Venezuelan dinosaur with the scientific name, Carnotaurus.

He explains to Isabella that the name means carnivorous bull. It was an extremely dangerous dinosaur, in its day.

Ryan is now dismayed by his own crazy imagination and suggests they quit exploring and get to the cabin.

Isabella assures Ryan, she saw it, too. Ryan is even more confused.

EXT. CABIN – DAY

Ryan and Isabella arrive at the cabin, obviously made to look old and quaint, but curiously modern in construction.

INT. CABIN – DAY

The inside of the cabin continues to raise their curiosity and, for Isabella, fear.

Everything is covered in cryptic symbols – a diary rests on a side table, next to an odd but comfortable chair.

Isabella reads the diary.

Ryan fixes dinner on an old kerosene stove. There is no electricity. Isabella lights a kerosene lamp.

Over dinner, Ryan expresses his growing discomfort – he says he feels eyes on the back of his neck, but he reassures Isabella that he is okay. She reassures Ryan that she, too, is okay

They agree to leave in the morning. The experience is becoming nothing like Silas described, and both are concerned.

They retire for the night.

ACT 2

INT. CABIN – NIGHT

Late into the night, Isabella is awakened to the sounds of children playing, outside – she awakes Ryan.

Together, they listen to the cabin’s creaks and groans, and Ryan thinks it shouldn’t be this way.

The sounds of the children return – but they become crying sounds.

Ryan tries to reassure Isabella by telling her a story of his own experience with a wilderness hallucination – a very real thing and common.

Sounds continue through the night: wild animal calls, whispers, laughs, et cetra.

INT. CABIN – DAY

Tired from lack of sleep, Ryan fixes breakfast as Isabella packs up to leave – they remain mostly silent.

EXT. GATE – DAY

Ryan and Isabella make their way back to the gate, but it’s gone – in fact, everything is gone, including the gatekeeper’s cabin.

A sign stands in the middle of the path – DANGER, DO NOT ENTER.

Frustrated, Isabella cries, tries to run through the gateway.

Isabella is violently zapped and thrown back. She experiences a seizure.

Terrified, Ryan carries her/helps her – back to the cabin.

INT. CABIN – DAY

Ryan expresses his understanding that this is definitely not fun anymore.

There is no other way out of The Valley. At the far end, the river goes underground as there’s nowhere else for it to go.

They elect to sleep most of the rest of the day away and try to recover.

The day is peaceful. On and off, Isabella reads the diary. There is no ending to it – it just stops. That frightens her.

Ryan struggles to make sense of their situation – blames Silas – mistrusts Isabella and confronts her about Silas. Ryan now also questions Mr. Samuelson. He was, after all, the one who sent Silas to them.

EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY

In the late afternoon Ryan and Isabella go for an exploratory walk – return to the gateway. Ryan tests the gateway with a stick. It’s zapped.

Everything else seems normal – until the waterfall produces a violent wind and the face of a nondescript demon who threatens them, appears – fades away.

The demon announces himself as POHONO – a Miwok evil spirit. Ryan now understands the threat as directed at him.

Who would know that he knows about Miwok culture?

Reluctantly, they return to the cabin.

ACT 3

INT. CABIN – NIGHT

Ryan again fixes dinner, and the two try to reassure each other and brace against the night.

The night is painfully quiet. They try to sleep – toss.

Near midnight, the sounds return. Louder and more determined than before, a woman screams – cries – the front door opens and slams shut —

The sound of a chain drags across the cabin floor – stops.

A glowing, apparently solid, woman appears in the bedroom doorway.

JOHANNA ARMATO, (is deceased).

Isabella faints in terror.

Johanna reveals that in life she was in a mental hospital and Isabella was ashamed of her.

Ryan is speechless. He does not believe in ghosts, so what is this woman? He plays along with Johanna.

Johanna continues to speak as, momentarily, Isabella recovers.

Ryan confronts Isabella – wants to know what else she is withholding from him.

Curiously, Johanna responds to Ryan in the moment, and Ryan becomes aware that someone must be watching them.

Shattered, Isabella wails out the blackmail attempt by their university peer —

MAXIMUS (MEGABYTE) GRIMM, (36), electronics genius, former covert suitor, thug, and blackmailer who threated to expose the mental illness in Isabella’s family if she married Ryan.

Isabella had dared to hope that with her mother now deceased, Maximus will have forgotten.

Maximus’ obsessive fixation on Isabella, however, unravels, as he, through the image of Johanna Armato, argues with her and the arguments begin to focus more on Maximus than Johanna.

Ryan finally understands. Johanna’s likeness is Maximus’ alter ego, and she is somehow being projected as real, voice and all. A holographic image?

INT. CABIN – DAY

Dawn begins to light the sky.

Johanna vanishes.

EXT. CABIN – DAY

Followed by Isabella, Ryan gathers tender dry wood and pine needles.

He whispers – warns Isabella to stay silent. She is in a mood to listen.

INT./EXT. CABIN – DAY

To Isabella’s astonishment, Ryan carries the wood inside and sets the wood ablaze. Isabella cannot move – she cannot speak – she freezes in disbelief and disgust. She gets it, too.

The cabin goes up is flames, and Ryan pulls Isabella outside.

EXT. CABIN – DAY

Ryan and Isabella watch the cabin burn.

As the plethora of electronic equipment is exposed, Isabella is both shocked and more disgusted than ever – proud of Ryan – clings to him.

Their revenge is short-lived. The Valley’s ring of trees is also now ablaze and there is still no way out.

Or is there?

ACT 4

EXT. COULOIR – DAY

Ryan leads Isabella away from the fire, and near the base of a steep, nearly hidden couloir, he explains his plan.

It’s a dangerous plan – all or nothing. Ryan gives Isabella a choice. She either trusts him implicitly or she lets Maximus win.

Isabella, facing mental exhaustion from two sleepless nights, sides with Ryan. They are still in love, after all.

Ryan is no climbing expert, but he’s also not a novice, and Isabella quickly matches her pace to his, following every move.

They reach the ridge, skinned up, cut, and bleeding.

EXT. RIDGE – DAY

Beyond the ridge it levels out, and they work their way through a narrow boulder field, to the lake.

The Valley is engulfed in flames, by now, sending smoke plumes, into the air.

Wildfire tankers drop their payloads on the fire, below.

EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY

JACK SAMUELSON, (33), is the owner of Samuelson Scientific.

Ryan and Isabella reach the lake just as Silas and Jack come racing up the trail from the meadow, yelling apologies, worried sick about what Maximus has done to all of them.

The honeymoon offer, it turns out, did not come directly from Jack or Silas. Samuelson Scientific is a subsidiary company of Grimm Electronics.

Jack relates how Maximus suggested the honeymoon and told him to take the credit – that he was an old friend and wanted to remain anonymous. Jack states that he did not expect anything like this.

Alerted by the news of the fire and by a very angry Maximus, and worried about Ryan and Isabella, they had alerted the fire fighters about Ryan and Isabella and rushed to the The Valley.

Ryan and Isabella relate their nightmare to Jack and Silas who continue to apologize in disbelief for the way they have been all been used by Maximus.

Maximus arrives in his bright red helicopter and show-off that he is, attempts to land it in this dangerous setting. Not good.

Maximus’ helicopter crashes into the rocks, but he still manages to escape, yelling obscenities for his growing losses.

He threatens to kill everyone and follows his threats with automatic gunfire — until the helicopter explodes and kills him with shrapnel.

EXT. THE MEADOW – DAY

The foursome, return to the meadow where Silas left Isabella and Ryan, before, and climb into the waiting helicopter.

Tanker planes continue to fly overhead.

Jack notifies the authorities of Maximus’ body, by the lake.

Silas lifts off.

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Isabella takes Ryan’s hand – hugs it – apologies – vows to never doubt the strength of his love for her, again.

Ryan vows to just let the past take care of itself – holds her tight – he’s relived and happy.

Solemnly — Ryan: I love you Bella, but we still have a lot to learn about each other, don’t we?

THE END

[Alfred Dunham]

I’m having trouble connecting with some of you. I can be contacted at:

alfreddunham@aol.com, or

alfreddunham5540@gmail.com

Alfred Dunham

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred is ready for feedback. Currently, I have partnered with Brenda Clark.

alfreddunham5540@gmail.com

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Thriller Map Version 1:2 REVISED

What I learned doing this assignment:

It has been a while since I wrote a Synopsis or Treatment. This seems a bit long, but it follows the incidental map as closely as possible. It has certainly been the easiest one I’ve ever written. IT WORKS!

I would not normally include the Act breaks, but for this assignment I thought they might help. But I did leave out the MMM eight Steps (two per Act), which I normally like to use for simplicity of writing.

I am using the most recent recommendation to BOLD the Sluglines.

By way of explanation, The Valley is something of a composite of Yosemite Valley (hence, Bridal Veil/POHONO Falls) and Evolution Valley, north of 13,000 ft. Muir Pass on the John Muir Trail. Everything else is fiction.

Looking ahead at my developing script, in the context of the scenario, here’s how psychological horror elements might be incorporated into my script:

1. Uncertainty and Ambiguity: The couple’s disorientation in the fog, the malfunctioning GPS devices, and the mysterious symbols in the cabin create an atmosphere of uncertainty. The audience is left guessing what’s real and what’s imagined, much like the characters.

2. Isolation and Paranoia: The couple’s isolation in the wilderness contributes to their growing sense of paranoia. They can’t trust their senses or the environment around them, heightening their fear of the unknown.

3. Hallucinations and Illusions: The characters might experience hallucinations or illusions triggered by their fear and stress. These illusions could distort their perceptions, leading them to question their own sanity and the reality of their situation.

4. Dread and Tension: The buildup of tension through eerie sounds, glimpses of shadowy figures, and the feeling of being watched can evoke a constant sense of dread. The audience anticipates something terrifying without knowing exactly what it is.

5. Emotional Strain: The situation tests the characters’ emotional stability, causing them to question each other’s intentions, sanity, and even their love. This emotional strain adds layers of complexity to their journey.

6. Unresolved Mystery: The diary and symbols in the cabin introduce an element of mystery that the characters need to unravel. Unanswered questions and a sense of the unknown contribute to the psychological horror.

7. Internal Conflicts: The characters’ internal conflicts—facing their own fears, guilts, and doubts—can be as terrifying as the external threats they encounter.

8. Lack of Control: The characters’ inability to control their environment or predict what will happen next amplifies their vulnerability and fear.

Further looking ahead at my developing script, since it will largely be a psychic thriller, I made a list of sounds that can help set the mood:

1. Whispers and Murmurs: Hearing hushed, unintelligible whispers just out of earshot can be incredibly unsettling. It suggests the presence of unseen entities or hidden intentions.

2. Footsteps and Rustling: The sound of footsteps approaching, receding, or rustling in the underbrush can evoke the fear of being pursued or watched.

3. Distant Screams: Distant screams that carry on the wind can create an air of helplessness and suggest that there might be others in danger.

4. Breathing or Hissing: Faint breathing or hissing sounds can evoke a feeling of being near something unseen and potentially dangerous.

5. Creaks and Groans: Unexplained creaking and groaning sounds, as if coming from the surroundings, can make the environment feel alive and unpredictable.

6. Eerie Music or Melodies: Haunting or discordant melodies can manipulate emotions and intensify the sense of dread, creating an eerie ambiance.

7. Heartbeat or Pulsing: A faint, irregular heartbeat or pulsing sound can amplify tension and anxiety, mimicking the characters’ racing hearts.

8. Scratching or Clawing: The sound of scratching, scraping, or clawing against surfaces can suggest the presence of something trying to get in or out.

9. Chains or Dragging: The metallic clinking of chains or the dragging of heavy objects can evoke images of captivity or an ominous force.

10. Animal Calls: Sounds of animals in distress, such as frantic howling, growling, or distressed animal cries, can trigger a primal fear response.

11. Unexplained Echoes: Voices, laughter, or other sounds echoing in the distance can create confusion and an eerie sense of the unknown.

12. Sudden Silence: An abrupt cessation of all sounds can be as terrifying as loud noises, as it heightens the sense of anticipation and vulnerability.

13. Guttural Growls: Deep, guttural growls can evoke the fear of predatory animals or otherworldly creatures lurking nearby.

14. Static or Interference: Hearing static, interference, or distorted voices on communication devices can add a technological layer of unease.

15. Childlike Laughter: Hearing eerie, childlike laughter in unsettling contexts can trigger a fear of the supernatural or the uncanny

THRILLER MAP/SYNOPSIS

TITLE:

MAD, MAD, MEGABYTE

LOGLINE:

Two former graduate school classmates marry, but, on their honeymoon, they are tested by the brutal, psychological revenge of a rejected suitor who still wants to win — or to destroy them.

ACT 1

01. EXT. BISTRO – DAY

ISABELLA (BELLA) LAKE, (32), is a beautiful, classy, woman in the prime of her life. She is an established artist – owns her own business.

Isabella drives her sassy little sports car up in front of the bistro and parks it, just in time to see —

SILAS LOCKE, (34), a scientific equipment salesman and representative for Samuelson Scientific.

Silas does the same with his service truck.

Isabella and Silas meet outside the bistro, and they exchange surprised greetings.

Even though they’ve already met each other, incidentally, Isabella fearfully talks Silas into a deception – that they pretend not to know each other.

Silas laughs – agrees – enters the bistro alone.

Isabella waits outside.

02. INT. BISTRO – DAY

RYAN (ROCKY) STONE, (32), is a paleontologist/geologist at the university.

Ryan greets Silas and assures him that his bride-to-be, Isabella, will be along shortly.

Isabella enters, and Ryan introduces her to Silas, and he explains that Silas is there to make them a once-in-a-lifetime offer.

On behalf of his company, Silas describes a wilderness honeymoon getaway to a privately owned Shangri-La, simply referred to as The Valley.

Silas slips up, and Ryan catches that Silas and Isabella already know each other.

Isabella falls apart, but Silas does a masterful save.

Ryan and Isabella agree to the generous offer.

03. EXT. UNIVERSITY ROSE GARDEN – DAY

Ryan and Isabella conclude the marriage ceremony with a kiss as a male guest at the edge of the garden leaves unnoticed.

Ryan and Isabella leave in a car driven by Silas.

04. EXT./INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

In a private quarter of the airport, the threesome, now in outdoor clothing, enter a helicopter and prepare to lift off.

The helicopter will not start.

Once again, Isabella partially unravels.

And once again, Silas proves his worth. He fixes the problem, assuring Bella that he was a helicopter pilot in the army.

05. INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Silas pilots the helicopter to a very remote wilderness meadow and sets down. It’s a long flight.

06. EXT. MEADOW – DAY

Silas escorts Ryan and Isabella to a trailhead and wishes them well.

07. EXT. TRAIL – DAY

Ryan and Isabella make the relatively short climb up to a lake that is the immediate headwaters for a waterfall and river into The Valley.

They encounter a snake in the trail, and Isabella cowers, screaming.

Ryan laughs and relocates the snake, and they continue.

08. EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY

Ryan and Isabella arrive at the lake and Isabella feigns dizziness as they view The Valley, far below.

It is as beautiful as Silas described it, and Isabella agrees to proceed on down the trail into The Valley.

09. EXT. DESCENDING TRAIL – DAY

Near the bottom, the trail winds through sheer granite walls, and Isabella complains of claustrophobia.

The trail finally opens into The Valley.

10. EXT. GATE – DAY

A gate appears across the trail, and beside it, a small cabin.

A quirky GATEKEEPER exits his cabin and demands to see their passes – lets them through.

11. EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY

Ryan pauses to look back – comments on the oddness of a gatekeeper in a place like this.

Ryan and Isabella continue to make their way to the cabin – make stops along the way to absorb the beauty and freshness of the place.

12. EXT. BRANCH TRAIL – DAY

It’s getting late, and a ground fog is beginning to form.

Isabella shrieks. She sees a tiger chasing after a deer.

Ryan is getting concerned about Bella’s fearful imagination.

Ryan catches a glimpse of an extinct Venezuelan dinosaur with the scientific name Carnotaurus.

He explains to Isabella that the name means carnivorous bull. It was an extremely dangerous dinosaur, in its day.

Ryan is dismayed by his assumed imagination and suggests they quit exploring and get to the cabin.

Isabella assures Ryan, that she saw it, too. Ryan is even more confused.

13. EXT. CABIN – DAY

Ryan and Isabella arrive at the cabin, obviously made to look old and quaint, but curiously modern in construction.

14. INT. CABIN – DAY

The inside of the cabin continues to raise their curiosity and, for Isabella, fear.

Everything is covered in cryptic symbols – a diary rests on a side table, next to an odd but comfortable chair.

Isabella reads the diary.

Ryan fixes dinner.

Over dinner, Ryan expresses his growing discomfort – he feels eyes on the back of his neck. However, he reassures Isabella that he’s okay.

They agree to leave in the morning. The experience is becoming nothing like Silas described. Isabella is fearful, and Ryan is concerned.

ACT 2

15. INT. CABIN – NIGHT

Late into the night, Isabella is awakened to the sounds of children playing, outside – she awakes Ryan.

Together, they listen to the cabin’s creaks and groans. Ryan thinks it shouldn’t be this way.

The sounds of the children return – but they become crying sounds.

Ryan tries to reassure Isabella by telling her his experience with a wilderness hallucination – a very real thing and common.

Sounds continue through the night: wild animal calls, whispers, laughs, et cetra.

16. INT. CABIN – DAY

Tired from lack of sleep, Ryan fixes breakfast as Isabella packs up to leave – they remain mostly silent.

17. EXT. GATE – DAY

Ryan and Isabella make their way back to the gate, but it’s gone – in fact, everything is gone, including the gatekeeper’s cabin.

A sign stands in the middle of the path – DANGER, DO NOT ENTER.

Frustrated, Isabella cries – tries to run through the gateway.

Isabella is violently zapped and thrown back. She experiences a seizure.

Terrified, Ryan carries her/helps her – back to the cabin.

18. INT. CABIN – DAY

Ryan expresses his understanding that this is definitely not funny anymore.

There is no other way out of The Valley. At the far end, the river goes underground as there’s nowhere else for it to go.

They elect to sleep most of the rest of the day away and try to recover.

The day is peaceful. On and off, Isabella reads the diary. There is no ending to it – it just stops. That frightens her.

Ryan struggles to make sense of their situation – blames Silas – mistrusts Isabella, and confronts her about Silas.

19. EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY

In the late afternoon, Ryan and Isabella go for an exploratory walk – return to the gateway. Ryan tests the gateway with a stick. It’s zapped.

Everything else seems normal – until the waterfall produces a violent wind, and the face of a demon appears in the mist and threatens them.

The demon announces himself as POHONO – a Miwok/Ahwahneeche evil spirit. Ryan understands the threat to be directed at him.

Who would even know that he knows about Miwok culture?

Reluctantly, they return to the cabin.

ACT 3

20. INT. CABIN – NIGHT

Ryan again fixes dinner, and the two try to reassure each other and brace against the night.

Wild animal sounds – they quit.

The night becomes painfully quiet. They try to sleep – toss.

Near midnight, the sounds return, louder and more determined than before: a woman screams – cries – the front door opens and slams shut —

The sound of a chain drags across the cabin floor – stops.

A glowing, solid, figure of a woman appears at the bedroom door – announces herself as —

JOHANNA LAKE, (deceased), Isabella’s mother.

Isabella faints in terror.

Johanna reveals that in life, she was in a mental hospital, and Isabella was ashamed of her.

Ryan is gobsmacked. He does not believe in ghosts, so what is this woman? He plays along with Johanna

Johanna continues to speak as, momentarily, Isabella recovers.

Ryan confronts Isabella – wants to know what else she is withholding from him.

Curiously, Johanna responds to Ryan in the moment, and Ryan becomes aware that someone must be watching them.

Shattered, Isabella wails out the blackmail attempt by their, years prior, university peer —

MAXIMUS (MEGABYTE) BLACKWOOD, (36), became an electronics genius.

Maximus’ fixation on Isabella unravels, as Johanna argues with her and the arguments begin to focus on Maximus, not Johanna.

Ryan understands. Johanna is Maximus’ alter ego, and she is somehow being projected as real. A holographic image?

21. INT. CABIN – DAY

Dawn begins to light the sky.

Johanna vanishes.

22. EXT. CABIN – DAY

Followed by Isabella, Ryan gathers tender-dry wood and pine needles.

He whispers – warns Isabella to stay silent. She is in a mood to listen.

23. INT./EXT. CABIN – DAY

To Isabella’s astonishment, Ryan sets the wood ablaze, inside the cabin. Isabella cannot move – she cannot speak – she freezes in disbelief.

The cabin goes up in flames, and Ryan pulls Isabella outside.

24. EXT. CABIN – DAY

Ryan and Isabella watch the cabin burn.

As the plethora of electronic equipment is exposed, Isabella is both shocked and disgusted – proud of Ryan – clings to him.

Their revenge is short-lived. The Valley’s ring of trees is also now ablaze, and there is still no way out.

Or is there?

ACT 4

25. EXT. COULOIR – DAY

Ryan leads Isabella away from the fire, to near the base of a steep, nearly hidden couloir, and there, he explains his plan.

It’s a dangerous plan – all or nothing. Ryan gives Isabella a choice. She either trusts him implicitly, or she lets Maximus win.

Isabella, facing mental exhaustion, sides with Ryan.

Ryan is no climbing expert, but he’s also not a novice, and Isabella quickly matches her pace to his, following every move – not looking back.

They reach the ridge, skinned up, cut, and bleeding.

26. EXT. RIDGE – DAY

Beyond the ridge, it levels out, and they work their way through a narrow boulder field, to the lake.

The Valley is engulfed in flames, by now, sending smoke plumes, into the air.

Wildfire tankers begin to drop their payloads on the fire, below.

27. EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY

JACK SAMUELSON, (33), is the owner of Samuelson Scientific.

Ryan and Isabella reach the lake just as Silas and Jack come racing up the trail from the meadow, yelling apologies.

The honeymoon offer, it turns out, did not come directly from Jack or Silas. Samuelson Scientific is a subsidiary company of Blackwood Electronics.

Jack relates how Maximus suggested the honeymoon and told Jack to take the credit – that he was an old friend and wanted to remain anonymous.

Alerted by the news of the fire, and worried about Ryan and Isabella, they alerted the firefighters about Ryan and Isabella and rushed to The Valley.

Ryan and Isabella relate their nightmare to Jack and Silas, who continue to apologize in disbelief for the way they have been used by Maximus.

Maximus appears in his bright red helicopter and attempts to land it in this dangerous setting.

Maximus’ helicopter crashes into the rocks, but he still manages to escape, yelling obscenities for his losses.

He threatens to kill everyone and follows his threats with automatic gunfire — until the helicopter explodes and kills him with shrapnel.

28. EXT. THE MEADOW – DAY

Having returned to the meadow, the foursome climb into the waiting helicopter.

Tanker planes continue to fly overhead.

Jack notifies the authorities of Maximus’ body, by the lake.

Silas lifts off.

29. INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Isabella takes Ryan’s hand – hugs it – apologies – vows to never doubt his love for her, again.

Ryan vows to just let the past take care of itself – holds her tight – he’s relieved and happy.

THE END

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Thriller Map Version 1

What I learned doing this assignment:

It has been a while since I wrote a Synopsis or Treatment. This seems a bit long, but it follows the incidental map as closely as possible. It has certainly been the easiest one I’ve ever written. IT WORKS!

I would not normally include the Act breaks, but for this assignment, I thought they might help. But I did leave out the MMM eight Steps (two per Act), which I normally like to use for simplicity of writing.

I am using the most recent recommendation to BOLD the Sluglines.

By way of explanation, The Valley is something of a composite of Yosemite Valley (hence, Bridal Veil/POHONO Falls) and Evolution Valley, north of 13,000 ft—Muir Pass on the John Muir Trail. Everything else is fiction.

THRILLER MAP/SYNOPSIS

TITLE: MAD, MAD, MEGABYTE

ACT 1

EXT. BISTRO – DAY

ISABELLA (BELLA) LAKE, (32), is a beautiful, classy, woman in the prime of her life. She is an established artist – owns her own business.

Isabella drives her sassy little sports car up in front of the bistro and parks it, just in time to see —

SILAS LOCKE, (34), a scientific equipment salesman and representative for Samuelson Scientific.

Silas does the same with his service truck.

Isabella and Silas meet outside the bistro and exchange surprised greetings.

Even though they’ve already met each other, incidentally, Isabella fearfully talks Silas into a deception – that they pretend to not know each other.

Silas laughs – agrees – enters the bistro alone.

Isabella waits outside.

INT. BISTRO – DAY

RYAN (ROCKY) STONE, (32), is a paleontologist/geologist at the university.

Ryan greets Silas and assures him that his bride-to-be, Isabella, will be along shortly.

Isabella enters, and Ryan introduces her to Silas, and explains that Silas is there to make them a once-in-a-lifetime offer.

On behalf of his company, Silas describes a wilderness honeymoon getaway to a privately owned Shangri-La, simply referred to as The Valley.

Silas slips up, and Ryan catches that Silas and Isabella already know each other.

Isabella falls apart, but Silas does a masterful save.

Ryan and Isabella agree to the generous offer.

EXT. UNIVERSITY ROSE GARDEN – DAY

Ryan and Isabella conclude the marriage ceremony with a kiss as a male guest at the edge of the garden leaves unnoticed.

Ryan and Isabella leave in a car driven by Silas.

EXT./INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

In a private quarter of the airport, the threesome, now in outdoor clothing, enters a helicopter and prepares to lift off.

The helicopter will not start.

Once again, Isabella partially unravels.

And once again, Silas proves his worth. He fixes the problem, assuring Bella that he was a helicopter pilot in the army.

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Silas pilots the helicopter to a very remote wilderness meadow and sets down. It’s a long flight.

EXT. MEADOW – DAY

Silas escorts Ryan and Isabella to a trailhead and wishes them well.

EXT. TRAIL – DAY

Ryan and Isabella make the relatively short climb up to a lake that is the immediate headwaters for a waterfall and river into The Valley.

They encounter a snake in the trail, and Isabella cowers, screaming.

Ryan laughs and relocates the snake, and they continue.

EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY

Ryan and Isabella arrive at the lake, and Isabella feigns dizziness as they view The Valley, far below.

It is as beautiful as Silas described it, and Isabella agrees to proceed on down the trail into The Valley.

EXT. DESCENDING TRAIL – DAY

Near the bottom, the trail winds through sheer granite walls, and Isabella complains of claustrophobia.

The trail finally opens into The Valley.

EXT. GATE – DAY

A gate appears across the trail, and beside it, a small cabin.

A quirky GATEKEEPER exits his cabin and demands to see their passes – lets them through.

EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY

Ryan pauses to look back – comments on the oddness of a gatekeeper in a place like this.

Ryan and Isabella continue to make their way to the cabin – making stops along the way to absorb the beauty and freshness of the place.

EXT. BRANCH TRAIL – DAY

It’s getting late, and a ground fog is beginning to form.

Isabella shrieks. She sees a tiger chasing after a deer.

Ryan is getting concerned about Bella’s fearful imagination.

Ryan catches a glimpse of an extinct Venezuelan dinosaur with the scientific name Carnotaurus.

He explains to Isabella that the name means carnivorous bull. It was an extremely dangerous dinosaur, in its’ day.

Ryan is now dismayed by his own imagination and suggests they quit exploring and get to the cabin.

Isabella assures Ryan, that she saw it, too. Ryan is even more confused.

EXT. CABIN – DAY

Ryan and Isabella arrive at the cabin, obviously made to look old and quaint, but curiously modern in construction.

INT. CABIN – DAY

The inside of the cabin continues to raise their curiosity and, for Isabella, fear.

Everything is covered in cryptic symbols – a diary rests on a side table, next to an odd but comfortable chair.

Isabella reads the diary.

Ryan fixes dinner.

Over dinner, Ryan expresses his growing discomfort – he feels eyes on the back of his neck. Isabella is reassured, that he’s okay.

They agree to leave in the morning. The experience is becoming nothing like Silas described, and Ryan is concerned.

ACT 2

INT. CABIN – NIGHT

Late into the night, Isabella is awakened to the sounds of children playing, outside – she awakes Ryan.

Together, they listen to the cabin’s creaks and groans. Ryan thinks it shouldn’t be this way.

The sounds of the children return – but they become crying sounds.

Ryan tries to reassure Isabella by telling her a story of his own experience with a wilderness hallucination – a very real thing and common.

Sounds continue through the night: wild animal calls, whispers, laughs, et cetra.

INT. CABIN – DAY

Tired from lack of sleep, Ryan fixes breakfast as Isabella packs up to leave – they remain mostly silent.

EXT. GATE – DAY

Ryan and Isabella make their way back to the gate, but it’s gone – in fact, everything is gone, including the gatekeeper’s cabin.

A sign stands in the middle of the path – DANGER, DO NOT ENTER.

Frustrated, Isabella cries, and tries to run through the gateway.

Isabella is violently zapped and thrown back. She experiences a seizure.

Terrified, Ryan carries her/helps her – back to the cabin.

INT. CABIN – DAY

Ryan expresses his understanding that this is definitely not funny anymore.

There is no other way out of The Valley. At the far end, the river goes underground as there’s nowhere else for it to go.

They elect to sleep most of the rest of the day away and try to recover.

The day is peaceful. On and off, Isabella reads the diary. There is no ending to it – it just stops. That frightens her.

Ryan struggles to make sense of their situation – blames Silas – mistrusts Isabella and confronts her about Silas.

EXT. THE VALLEY – DAY

In the late afternoon, Ryan and Isabella go for an exploratory walk – and return to the gateway. Ryan tests the gateway with a stick. It’s zapped.

Everything else seems normal – until the waterfall produces a violent wind and the face of a demon who threatens them.

The demon announces himself as POHONO – a Miwok evil spirit. Ryan understands the threat as directed at him.

Who would know that he knows about Miwok culture?

Reluctantly, they return to the cabin.

ACT 3

INT. CABIN – NIGHT

Ryan again fixes dinner, and the two try to reassure each other and brace against the night.

The night is painfully quiet. They try to sleep – toss.

Near midnight, the sounds return, louder and more determined than before: a woman screams – cries – the front door opens and slams shut —

The sound of a chain drags across the cabin floor – it stops.

A glowing, solid, woman appears at the bedroom door.

JOHANNA LAKE, (deceased).

Isabella faints in terror.

Johanna reveals that in life, she was in a mental hospital, and Isabella was ashamed of her.

Ryan is gobsmacked. He does not believe in ghosts, so what is this woman? He plays along with Johanna

Johanna continues to speak as, momentarily, Isabella recovers.

Ryan confronts Isabella – wants to know what else she is withholding from him.

Curiously, Johanna responds to Ryan in the moment, and Ryan becomes aware that someone must be watching them.

Shattered, Isabella wails out the blackmail attempt by their university peer —

MAXIMUS (MEGABYTE) BLACKWOOD, (36), an electronics genius.

Maximus’ fixation on Isabella unravels, as Johanna argues with her and the arguments begin to focus on Maximus, not Johanna.

Ryan understands. Johanna is Maximus’ alter ego, and she is somehow being projected as real. A holographic image?

INT. CABIN – DAY

Dawn begins to light the sky.

Johanna vanishes.

EXT. CABIN – DAY

Followed by Isabella, Ryan gathers tender dry wood and pine needles.

He whispers – warns Isabella to stay silent. She is in a mood to listen.

INT./EXT. CABIN – DAY

To Isabella’s astonishment, Ryan sets the wood ablaze. Isabella cannot move – she cannot speak – she freezes in disbelief.

The cabin goes up is flames, and Ryan pulls Isabella outside.

EXT. CABIN – DAY

Ryan and Isabella watch the cabin burn.

As the plethora of electronic equipment is exposed, Isabella is both shocked and disgusted – proud of Ryan – clings to him.

Their revenge is short-lived. The Valley’s ring of trees is also now ablaze, and there is still no way out.

Or is there?

ACT 4

EXT. COULOIR – DAY

Ryan leads Isabella away from the fire, and near the base of a steep, nearly hidden couloir, he explains his plan.

It’s a dangerous plan – all or nothing. Ryan gives Isabella a choice. She either trusts him implicitly, or she lets Maximus win.

Isabella, facing mental exhaustion, sides with Ryan.

Ryan is no climbing expert, but he’s also not a novice, and Isabella quickly matches her pace to his, following every move.

They reach the ridge, skinned up, cut, and bleeding.

EXT. RIDGE – DAY

Beyond the ridge, it levels out, and they work their way through a narrow boulder field, to the lake.

The Valley is engulfed in flames, by now, sending smoke plumes, into the air.

Wildfire tankers drop their payloads on the fire, below.

EXT. THE LAKE OF LOST SOULS – DAY

JACK SAMUELSON, (33), is the owner of Samuelson Scientific.

Ryan and Isabella reach the lake just as Silas and Jack come racing up the trail from the meadow, yelling apologies.

The honeymoon offer, it turns out, did not come directly from Jack or Silas. Samuelson Scientific is a subsidiary company of Blackwood Electronics.

Jack relates how Maximus suggested the honeymoon and told Jack to take the credit – that he was an old friend and wanted to remain anonymous.

Alerted by the news of the fire, and worried about Ryan and Isabella, they had alerted the firefighters about Ryan and Isabella and rushed to the Valley.

Ryan and Isabella relate their nightmare to Jack and Silas, who continue to apologize in disbelief for the way they were used by Maximus.

Maximus shows up in his bright red helicopter and attempts to land it in this dangerous setting.

Maximus’ helicopter crashes into the rocks, but he still manages to escape, yelling obscenities for his losses.

He threatens to kill everyone and follows his threats with automatic gunfire — until the helicopter explodes and kills him with shrapnel.

EXT. THE MEADOW – DAY

The foursome, having returned to the meadow, climb into the waiting helicopter.

Tanker planes continue to fly overhead.

Jack notifies the authorities of Maximus’ body, by the lake.

Silas lifts off.

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Isabella takes Ryan’s hand – hugs it – apologies – vows to never doubt his love for her, again.

Ryan vows to just let the past take care of itself – holds her tight – he’s relieved and happy.

THE END

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Misdirects… When Appropriate.

What I learned doing this lesson”

I learned that misdirection could help isolate the true Villain from the story until we are ready to reveal him and to help set up the Red Herring Character. This can lead to an exciting avalanche of reveals to lift the audience even higher from all the previous exciting/scary stuff the writer has used to keep his/her audience on the edge of their seats until now.

I. THREE WAYS MISDIRECTION HAS ALREADY BEEN PRESENTED

You already have misdirection built into your Thriller Map in three ways that feel natural and create that trill experience that audiences crave.

A. The “Reality” that is a cover-up for each mystery.

1. The Villain has a secret.

2. He or she covers that secret with a lie or scheme.

3. That lie or scheme is presented to the audience as the truth or reality before we even suspect it.

B. The Villain’s plan

The Villain has a plan to accomplish some goal that they’re willing to kill to achieve. The plan and goal are hidden in an underhanded way. The plan is devious and dangerous to anyone who gets in the way.

C. Red Herring Character

This character feels guilt or is scheming for some reason other than the crime that is being investigated. So, they act and react as if they are hiding something. Many clues point to their guilt. We believe they are guilty. It is not until we discover the real thing they are hiding that we realize they didn’t commit the crime.

II. FOURTH FORM OF MISDIRECTION — WRITER MISDIRECTION

These are things that don’t fit into the previous categories that the writer deliberately adds to create misdirection. There are lots of ways to do this, but here are a few that will get you started.

A. CLUE MISDIRECTION

1. Misinterpreted clue.

2. Clue that sends us to another potential Red Herring.

B. CHARACTER MISDIRECTION

1. A character we don’t believe who turns out to be telling the truth.

2. Characters jumping to conclusions.

3. Characters intentions are misunderstood.

4. Character presented as one thing but turns out to be another.

C. DIALOGUE MISDIRECTION

1. A line that was misunderstood.

2. Has one meaning now, but another later.

CAUTION: Don’t overdo this. Too much writer misdirection will cause you to lose your audience.

THRILLER MAP/PLOT – LATEST VERSION – LESSON 13

OPENING:

MYSTERY

1. Who, after all, is Silas, and who is his boss?

2. Why the strange offer?

3. Where is this “Valley,” and why does an electronics firm own it?

4. Who is the guy at the wedding that walks off?

DANGER

1. Why is Isabella so out of joint over Sialis knowing her?

2. What is the significance of a guest leaving the wedding?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan has no reason to distrust anyone.

2. Isabella is so fearful that anyone might learn of her family history of mental illness, that she unthinkingly creates an aura of distrust around her.

3. Maximus is a forgotten entity, to begin with, but he is absolutely NOT to be trusted.

4. Silas’ innocent hit on Isabella, sets off a chain reaction of trust/distrust.

REVEALS

1. The revelation that Isabella and Silas have already met and know each other and that he’s already made a hit on Isabella.

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella was afraid Ryan might take it the wrong way. So they pretended not to know each other.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella’s guilt shows, and Ryan senses that something is off – being covered up.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

It becomes a Trust/Distrust situation with a pending marriage at stake.

CLUES

a. Silas is a scientific equipment salesman who knows Ryan and Ryan’s wife-to-be, Isabella.

b. But Ryan doesn’t know this, yet. Why not?

c. What does this say about Silas? – About Isabella? – About Ryan?

MISDIRECTS

a. Isabella is getting married, but her knowing Silas raises questions that are easy to explain. However, her felt need to pretend otherwise raises more serious questions about her character. As these issues continue to surface, it further adds questions about her. Can we trust her?

INCITING EVENT:

MYSTERY

1. Does Silas actually know how to fly that helicopter?

2. Okay. Now they’re “here” [the starting point], now what?

3. Really, now. A paid gatekeeper to The Valley? Why?

DANGER

1. The helicopter decides to hiccup. Silas must fix it. Can he? Reliably?

2. The snake in the trail upsets Isabella.

3. Isabella’s fear of heights.

4. Isabella’s claustrophobia – rock fall?

5. What’s wrong with this woman? Is Ryan in trouble?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan still has no reason to distrust anyone.

2. Isabella is surprised by Silas’ skill and trusts him.

REVEALS

1. The realization that the Troglodyte-like gatekeeper is, in fact, not real.

a. How did it get covered up?

He is a projected hologram that looks absolutely real.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

When they return, he’s gone, along with his cabin. What happened to him? Where did he go? And the cabin? Who could have even set this up? Silas? Silas’ company – Jack Samuelson? Why?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Both Ryan and Isabella are left spellbound and fearful.

CLUES

a. Silas is a scientific equipment salesman who knows Ryan and Ryan’s wife-to-be, Isabella.

b. But Ryan doesn’t know this, yet. Why not?

c. What does this say about Silas? – About Isabella? – About Ryan?

MISDIRECTS – NONE

TURNING POINT 1:

MYSTERY

1. Nothing feels right. The gatekeeper was weird.

2. The cabin appears new, but it is made to look old.

3. Inside, the cabin is spooky: symbols, the diary….

3. Are they alone, or not? Ryan feels eyes on the back of his neck.

4. What has Silas gotten them into? His descriptions do not fit.

5. Why is Isabella so full of fears? Ryan wonders.

DANGER

1. Are they seeing danger or imagining it on their walk down Valley?

2. Ground fog moves in. Isabella’s fears get the best of her.

3. The night is filled with strange noises. Sleep is fitful.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan has no reason to distrust anyone but begins questioning Silas, Jack, or maybe both.

2. Isabella’s hidden fear of Maximus (unexpressed) causes her to distrust Silas again (revealed later).

REVEALS

1. The entire cabin experience is something orchestrated to give one the “willies.” It’s a setup for what is to come, and the reveal comes when Isabella’s dead mother talks back to him, and he realizes she’s a hologram speaking for someone else.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone was behind all this. A diary that mysteriously just ends? Where did they go? What happened?

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella is easily spooked. Ryan is already thinking outside the box, after the gate experience. He sees a possible connection and can’t help but voice concerns. Isabella’s life seems to be at stake.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

It is profound enough to engage Ryan and get him thinking.

2. The realization that the “sightings” in the valley are being generated artificially.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone set it up this way. Who?

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella was harmed at the gate. There is a progression, here, and it all seems to be aimed at Isabella’s unstable underpinnings. What is he not telling Ryan? How can he help her if she’s holding back? Who stands to gain? Silas? Is this some game that Silas and Isabella are playing on him? Why would she do this?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

At first, the sightings are passed off as imagination, but the disappearance of the gatekeeper and Isabella’s being harmed develop into a pattern. Who would do this? Silas? His version of The Valley was totally different from what he and Isabella are experiencing. And it was Silas who encouraged this honeymoon.

3. The realization that they are trapped in The Valley and are in a life-and-death struggle for survival.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone set it up this way. Who?

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella was harmed at the gate. There is a progression, here, and it all seems to be aimed at Isabella’s unstable underpinnings. What is he not telling Ryan? How can he help her if she’s holding back? Who stands to gain? Silas? Is this some game that Silas and Isabella are playing on him? Why would she do this?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

The revelation (later) that Maximus may be involved takes Ryan to a new place with a new set of questions.

CLUES

a. Isabella thinks she sees a tiger. Ryan laughs it off until —

b. He imagines seeing an extinct Venezuelan dinosaur – a Carnotauras (meaning meat-eating bull).

c. Something does not feel real, and they speak of it.

d. The night is full of strange sounds: animal sounds, children laughing, children crying, creaks and groans in the cabin…. Are they real or just imagined?

MISDIRECTS

a. Silas (and/or his boss, Jack Samuelson) appears more and more to have something to do with what’s happening and becomes a solid Red Herring

MIDPOINT TWIST:

MYSTERY

1. The cabin is weird: the symbols, the book, the night sounds….

2. Isabella wants to leave. She is frightened. Ryan agrees.

DANGER

1. Isabella is struck unconscious at the gate – convulses.

2. Ryan is now frightened. Takes her back to the cabin.

3. Is she going to be okay? Or is this just the beginning?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan distrusts Silas.

2. Isabella openly distrusts Silas – and uses Ryan’s distrust to avoid saying more.

REVEALS

1. The realization that the plan has just evolved from driving Isabella mad to killing both of them.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone sinister set this up

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella is easily spooked. Ryan is already thinking outside the box, after the gate experience. He sees a possible connection and can’t help but voice concerns. Isabella’s life seems to be at stake, and he feels pressure to solve the mystery.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact

Isabella’s life is clearly in Ryan’s hands, and he knows it.

2. The realization that Silas cannot be the villain. He is a Red Herring. Maybe the villain is Silas’ boss, Jack Samuelson?

a. How did it get covered up?

As with everything else, there is a clear plan at work, here, and whoever it is doing a good job of making it work.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

If it was Silas, and he and Isabella had something to hide, why would he be doing this to her? Could it be Jack? It was Jake who Silas claims suggested The Valley and gave Silas the company helicopter to take them there.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Ryan no longer knows who to trust.

CLUES

e. On the second day, the gatekeeper AND his hut are gone.

f. Isabella is struck down when she tries to pass the imaginary gateway – she convulses. This is no imagination.

g. The Valley is nothing like Silas pictured it. Is he behind this?

MISDIRECTS — NONE

TURNING POINT 2:

MYSTERY

1. Night two in the cabin has both Isabella and Ryan spooked.

2. Who or what is doing this? For what reason? Silas? Silas boss?

3. Isabella’s mother [who is dead] appears — terrifies Isabella, and

4. She becomes Ryan’s first evidence of what might be happening.

DANGER

1. Isabella blames Silas – and thinks he’s blackmailing her.

2. Ryan at first goes along with her as his hit on her unfolds.

3. Isabella’s mother threatens her – and talks to her in the present.

4. Ryan finds this curious – realizes they’re being watched.

5. Isabella’s experience with Maximus unfolds.

6. Ryan realizes that the dangers are real.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan’s distrust in Silas morphs into a distrust of virtually everyone, as Isabella begins to break down and reveal the truth about her mother and about Maximus’ blackmail.

2. Isabella also shifts from distrusting Silas to fearfully distrusting Maximus.

3. With nowhere else to go, Isabella finally puts all her faith in Ryan and agrees to his terrifying escape plan.

REVEALS

1. The realization that Silas cannot be the villain. He is a Red Herring. Maybe the villain is Silas’ boss, Jack Samuelson?

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella did not want Ryan to know about Maximus because she did not want Maximus to reveal the secret about her mother’s mental illness. And that fear got passed along to Silas.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

What is Isabella not telling Ryan that is allowing all this to happen?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Isabella is getting backed into a corner from which she cannot escape, and that’s more terrifying than everything else.

2. Ryan makes a connection between what Isabella tells him about what Maximus did to her and what is happening now. Maximus’ plan is obviously on-going.

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella did not want Ryan to know about Maximus because she did not want Maximus to reveal the secret about her mother’s mental illness.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Maximus is clearly the one holding Isabella’s feet to the fire, and Ryan can’t help her until he knows the full truth. Maximus is all too happy to reveal Isabella’s mother.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

The implication is that Isabella does not trust Ryan, and their marriage is already in ruins. It also suggests that Maximus has had absolute control over her all along, even though she thought she was free of him.

3. The realization that the plan has just evolved from driving Isabella mad to killing both of them.

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella did not want Ryan to know about Maximus because she did not want Maximus to reveal the secret about her mother’s mental illness.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Ryan’s own life is now on the line, too. It’s time to think of his own self-preservation.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Ryan becomes hostile to Isabella for holding him in such dangerous contempt.

CLUES

a. Isabela comes off as fearful, and it seems to be coloring her whole life. Why?

b. Isabella does not lie about knowing Silas, but she tries to hide it. What else might she be hiding?

c. Lots of tiny clues: the snake, heights, claustrophobia, her reaction to pentagrams in the cabin….

d. And the diary that just ends abruptly….

e. Ryan is increasingly inclined to go along Isabella, especially when the ground fog appears.

f. Night two in the cabin becomes more and more intense: voices, doors opening and shutting, a chain dragging across the wood floor, whispers, and then ear-shattering silence. Nothing.

g. The sound of the front door opening – footsteps. Isabella’s dead mother appears in the bedroom doorway – and speaks to her.

h. Ryan doesn’t believe in ghosts and decides to engage Mother Lake with questions. She responds, in the present, to Ryan!

MISDIRECTS — NONE — Ryan is figuring it out.

CLIMAX:

MYSTERY

1. Ryan decides to test a theory….

2. How might Ryan beat Maximus at his own game?

3. Is everything being electronically orchestrated?

DANGER

1. Ryan assumes that Maximus is bent on killing them.

2. Ryan develops an escape plan, but…

3. The escape plan may be as dangerous as Maximus’ plan.

4. Ryan sets the cabin on fire, which spreads. They have no choice.

5. They must try the escape route.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan’s success in getting Isabella to safety, together with his understanding of her mother and Maximus’ evil, affirms Bella’s faith in him.

2. Isabella’s tentative faith in Silas is also fully affirmed. He becomes a trusted friend, together with Ryan.

REVEALS

1. The revelation that Ryan fully understands the situation and must use every skill he knows to defeat Maximus and escape with Isabella. He burns the cabin to the ground, revealing all the electronics.

a. How did it get covered up?

Maximus rigged it that way.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

They cannot leave The Valley in any ordinary way, so Ryan must know Maximus’ mind if he has any chance of survival.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Ryan plans to expose Maximus, challenge him to a duel to the death, and see what Isabella will do – trust him or not. Isabella is beyond terrified. She confesses all her fears and agrees to follow Ryan into Hell, if necessary.

2. The unintended consequences of the fire alerting the wilderness fire towers, alerts the press, Jack Samuelson, and Maximus, who never anticipated anything like this. Jack, Silas, Maximus, and a hoard of firefighters converge on The Valley, exposing everything.

a. How did it get covered up?

Maximus rigged it that way.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

The reactions of Jack and Silas uncover Maximus’ use of Samuelson Scientific, a subsidiary of Maximus’ company, to lure Ryan and Isabella into The Valley, which he owns, so he could have his way with Isabella – and Ryan.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Maximus arrives, enraged. He manages to crash his helicopter, but escapes, threatening to kill all of them, shooting at them with his automatic weapon and screaming obscenities – until his helicopter explodes and the shrapnel kills him.

CLUES

a. Isabella, almost insane with fear, finally confesses to Maximus’ hold on her.

b. Ryan figures it out – all of it. They are being watched.

c. At first light, Ryan gathers forest wood, and, without speaking another word (and shushing Isabella), takes it into the cabin and sets it ablaze. As the cabin burns, it is revealed that it is filled with hidden electronics. Isabella’s fear is now gone; she agrees to trust Ryan and his plan.

MISDIRECTS — NONE

RESOLUTION:

MYSTERY

1. What will Ryan do, now?

2. How is he aware of what’s going on?

3. Silas and Jack have shown up, proclaiming themselves innocent.

4. The connection of Jack to Maximus has unraveled.

DANGER

1. Maximus shows up and crashes his helicopter but escapes unhurt.

2. He is enraged at the fire and threatens to kill everybody.

3. He is killed When his helicopter explodes, throwing shrapnel everywhere.

4. Ryan and Isabella’s marriage is up in the air. They pledge to focus on their strengths and forget the past.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Everyone’s distrust of Maximus is confirmed

2. Isabella and Ryan agree always to be truthful and trusting in the future – to have learned a vital lesson.

3. Ryan’s faith in Samuelson Scientific is reaffirmed.

REVEALS

1. Maximus’ true, selfish, feelings for Isabella are revealed when he threatens to kill her in cold blood, choosing to kill her narcissistically rather than to allow her to live her own life [as in the movie, Laura – Clifton Webb as Waldo Lydecker).

a. How did it get covered up?

Maximus orchestrated everything, creating fear, blackmail, and using friendships, all to cover his insane desire to possess Isabella for his own purposes.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Why would he do this?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Some questions can never be answered. They remain mysteries within mysteries.

CLUES

Isabella’s choice to risk it all by trusting Ryan is a good clue that they have established a workable trust in each other, and their marriage has been strengthened. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

MISDIRECTS — NONE

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Gives Great Clues!

What I learned doing this assignment:

Clues are subtle, even when they are overt. They represent a holistic balance between saying too much and not enough. Tread carefully, but do tread!

HOW CLUES RELATE TO YHE MYSTERY

1. Cover-up presented as reality,

2. Mystery presented,

3. Clues that are overt or covert,

4. Final reveal that solves mystery.

DIFFERENT TYPES OF CLUES

Overt Clues: These clues will be obvious to the audience.

1. Characters discussing the mystery

2. Evidence that shows up

3. Admissions from characters

4. Accusations

5. Putting together the logic

Covert Clues: These clues will be outside our awareness until the mystery is solved.

1. Clues that show up before we even know the mystery.

2. Implied by action

3. Hidden

4. Background that later becomes foreground

5. Something that appears to be a clue for another mystery, but plays out in this one.

6. Passing discussions.

7. Things that have one meaning when first heard, but the meaning turns out to be different.

CAUTION:

Clues can cause mystery, intrigue, and/or suspense, but not confusion.

List out the three or four main mysteries in your story.

1. Who is Silas and what is he and his company up to?

2. What is going on in The Valley?

3. Why is Isabella so frightened and jumpy about every little thing. What is she hiding?

4. Who is Maximus and why is he doing this?

Create a list of clues for each of the main mysteries in your story.

1. Who is Silas and what is he and his company up to?

a. Silas is a scientific equipment salesman who knows Ryan and Ryan’s wife-to-be, Isabella.

b. But Ryan doesn’t know this, yet. Why not?

c. What does this say about Silas? – About Isabella? – About Ryan?

2. What is going on in The Valley?

a. Isabella thinks she sees a tiger. Ryan laughs it off until —

b. He imagines that he sees an extinct Venezuelan dinosaur – a Carnotauras (meaning meat-eating bull).

c. Something does not feel real, and the speak of it.

d. The night is full of strange sounds: animal sounds, children laughing, children crying, creaks and groans in the cabin…. Are they real or just imagined?

e. On the second day, the gatekeeper AND his hut are gone.

f. Isabella is struck down when she tries to pass the imaginary gateway – she convulses. This is no imagination.

g. The Valley is nothing like Silas pictured it. Is he behind this?

3. Why is Isabella so frightened and jumpy about every little thing. What is she hiding?

a. Isabela comes off as a fearful person, and it seems to be coloring her whole life. Why?

b. Isabella does not lie about knowing Silas, but she tries to hide it. What else might she be hiding?

c. Lots of tiny clues: the snake, heights, claustrophobia, her reaction to pentagrams in the cabin….

d. And the diary that just ends….

e. Ryan is more and more inclined to go along Isabella, especially when the ground fog appears.

f. Night two in the cabin becomes more and more intense: voices, doors opening and shutting, a chain dragging across the wood floor, whispers, and then ear-shattering silence. Nothing.

g. The sound of the front door opening – footsteps. Isabella’s dead mother appears in the bedroom doorway – and speaks to her.

h. Ryan doesn’t believe in ghosts and decides to engage Mother Lake with questions. She responds, in the present, to Ryan!

4. Who is Maximus, and why is he doing this?

a. Isabella, almost insane with fear, finally confesses to Maximus’ hold on her.

b. Ryan figures it out – all of it. They are being watched.

c. At first light, Ryan gathers forest wood, and, without speaking another word (and shushing Isabella), takes it into the cabin and sets it ablaze. The cabin is filled with hidden electronics. Isabella’s fear is now gone; she agrees to trust Ryan and his plan.

THRILLER MAP/PLOT – LATEST VERSION

OPENING:

MYSTERY

1. Who, after all, is Silas, and who is his boss?

2. Why the strange offer?

3. Where is this “Valley,” and why does an electronics firm own it?

4. Who is the guy at the wedding that walks off?

DANGER

1. Why is Isabella so out of joint over Sialis knowing her?

2. What is the significance of a guest leaving the wedding?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan has no reason to distrust anyone.

2. Isabella is so fearful that anyone might learn of her family history of mental illness, that she unthinkingly creates an aura of distrust around her.

3. Maximus is a forgotten entity, to begin with, but he is absolutely NOT to be trusted.

4. Silas’ innocent hit on Isabella, sets off a chain reaction of trust/distrust.

REVEALS

1. The revelation that Isabella and Silas have already met and know each other and that he’s already made a hit on Isabella.

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella was afraid Ryan might take it the wrong way. So they pretended not to know each other.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella’s guilt shows, and Ryan senses that something is off – being covered up.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

It becomes a Trust/Distrust situation with a pending marriage at stake.

CLUES

a. Silas is a scientific equipment salesman who knows Ryan and Ryan’s wife-to-be, Isabella.

b. But Ryan doesn’t know this, yet. Why not?

c. What does this say about Silas? – About Isabella? – About Ryan?

INCITING EVENT:

MYSTERY

1. Does Silas actually know how to fly that old helicopter?

2. Okay. Now they’re “here” [the starting point], now what?

3. Really, now. A paid gatekeeper to The Valley? Why?

DANGER

1. The old helicopter decides to hiccup. Silas must fix it.

2. The snake in the trail upsets Isabella.

3. Isabella’s fear of heights.

4. Isabella’s claustrophobia – rock fall?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan still has no reason to distrust anyone.

2. Isabella is surprised by Silas’ truthfulness and comes to trust him.

REVEALS

1. The realization that the Troglodyte-like gatekeeper is, in fact, not real.

a. How did it get covered up?

He is a projected hologram that looks absolutely real.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

When they return, he’s gone, along with his cabin. What happened to him? Where did he go? And the cabin? Who could have even set this up? Silas? Silas’ company – Jack Samuelson? Why?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Both Ryan and Isabella are left spellbound and fearful.

CLUES

a. Silas is a scientific equipment salesman who knows Ryan and Ryan’s wife-to-be, Isabella.

b. But Ryan doesn’t know this, yet. Why not?

c. What does this say about Silas? – About Isabella? – About Ryan?

TURNING POINT 1:

MYSTERY

1. Nothing feels right. The gatekeeper was weird.

2. The cabin appears new, but it is made to look old.

3. Inside, the cabin is spooky: symbols, the diary….

3. Are they alone, or not? Ryan feels eyes on the back of his neck.

4. What has Silas gotten them into? His descriptions do not fit.

5. Why is Isabella so full of fears? Ryan wonders.

DANGER

1. Are they seeing danger on their walk down Valley or just imagining it?

2. Ground fog moves in. Isabella’s fears get the best of her.

3. The night is filled with strange noises. Sleep is fitful.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan has no reason to distrust anyone but begins to question Silas, Jack, or maybe both.

2. Isabella’s hidden fear of Maximus (unexpressed) causes her to distrust Silas again (revealed later).

REVEALS

1. The entire cabin experience is something orchestrated to give one the “willies.” It’s a setup for what is to come, and the reveal comes when Isabella’s dead mother talks back to him, and he realizes she’s a hologram speaking for someone else.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone was behind all this. A diary that mysteriously just ends? Where did they go? What happened?

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella is easily spooked. Ryan is already thinking outside the box, after the gate experience. He sees a possible connection and can’t help but voice concerns. Isabella’s life seems to be at stake.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

It is profound enough to engage Ryan and get him thinking.

2. The realization that the “sightings” in the valley are being generated artificially.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone set it up this way. Who?

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella was harmed at the gate. There is a progression, here, and it all seems to be aimed at Isabella’s unstable underpinnings. What is he not telling Ryan? How can he help her if she’s holding back? Who stands to gain? Silas? Is this some sort of game that Silas and Isabella are playing on him? Why would she do this?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

At first, the sightings are passed off as imagination, but with the disappearance of the gatekeeper and Isabella’s being harmed, it is developing into a pattern. Who would do this. Silas? His version of The Valley was totally different from what he and Isabella are experiencing. And it was Silas who encouraged this honeymoon.

3. The realization that they are trapped in The Valley and are in a life-and-death struggle for survival.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone set it up this way. Who?

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella was harmed at the gate. There is a progression, here, and it all seems to be aimed at Isabella’s unstable underpinnings. What is he not telling Ryan? How can he help her if she’s holding back? Who stands to gain? Silas? Is this some sort of game that Silas and Isabella are playing on him? Why would she do this?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

The revelation (later) that Maximus may be involved takes Ryan to a whole new place with a whole new set of questions.

CLUES

a. Isabella thinks she sees a tiger. Ryan laughs it off until —

b. He imagines that he sees an extinct Venezuelan dinosaur – a Carnotauras (meaning meat-eating bull).

c. Something does not feel real, and they speak of it.

d. The night is full of strange sounds: animal sounds, children laughing, children crying, creaks and groans in the cabin…. Are they real or just imagined?

MIDPOINT TWIST:

MYSTERY

1. The cabin is weird: the symbols, the book, the night sounds….

2. Isabella wants to leave. She is frightened. Ryan agrees.

DANGER

1. Isabella is struck unconscious at the gate – convulses.

2. Ryan is now frightened. Takes her back to the cabin.

3. Is she going to be okay? Or is this just the beginning?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan distrusts Silas.

2. Isabella openly distrusts Silas – and uses Ryan’s distrust to avoid saying more.

REVEALS

1. The realization that the plan has just evolved from driving Isabella mad to killing both of them.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone sinister set this up

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella is easily spooked. Ryan is already thinking outside the box, after the gate experience. He sees a possible connection and can’t help but voice concerns. Isabella’s life seems to be at stake, and he is feeling pressure to solve the mystery.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact

Isabella’s life is clearly in Ryan’s hands, and he knows it.

2. The realization that Silas cannot be the villain. He is a Red Herring. Maybe the villain is Silas’ boss, Jack Samuelson?

a. How did it get covered up?

As with everything else, there is a clear plan at work, here, and whoever it is doing a good job of making it work.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

If it was Silas, and he and Isabella had something to hide, why would he be doing this to her? Could it be Jack? It was Jake who Silas claims suggested The Valley and gave Silas the company helicopter to take them there.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Ryan no longer knows who to trust.

CLUES

e. On the second day, the gatekeeper AND his hut are gone.

f. Isabella is struck down when she tries to pass the imaginary gateway – she convulses. This is no imagination.

g. The Valley is nothing like Silas pictured it. Is he behind this?

TURNING POINT 2:

MYSTERY

1. Night two in the cabin has both Isabella and Ryan spooked.

2. Who or what is doing this? For what reason? Silas? Silas boss?

3. Isabella’s mother [who is dead] appears — terrifies Isabella, and

4. She becomes Ryan’s first evidence of what might be happening.

DANGER

1. Isabella blames Silas – and thinks he’s blackmailing her.

2. Ryan at first goes along with her as his hit on her unfolds.

3. Isabella’s mother threatens her – and talks to her in the present.

4. Ryan finds this curious – realizes they’re being watched.

5. Isabella’s experience with Maximus unfolds.

6. Ryan realizes that the dangers are real.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan’s distrust in Silas morphs into a distrust of virtually everyone, as Isabella begins to break down and reveal the truth about her mother and about Maximus’ blackmail.

2. Isabella also shifts from distrusting Silas to fearfully distrusting Maximus.

3. With nowhere else to go, Isabella finally puts all her faith in Ryan and agrees to his terrifying plan of escape.

REVEALS

1. The realization that Silas cannot be the villain. He is a Red Herring. Maybe the villain is Silas’ boss, Jack Samuelson?

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella did not want Ryan to know about Maximus because she did not want Maximus to reveal the secret about her mother’s mental illness. And that fear got passed along to Silas.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

What is Isabella not telling Ryan that is allowing all this to happen?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Isabella is getting backed into a corner from which she cannot escape, and that’s more terrifying than everything else.

2. The connection that Ryan makes between what Isabella tells him about what Maximus did to her and what is happening now. Maximus’ plan is obviously on-going.

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella did not want Ryan to know about Maximus because she did not want Maximus to reveal the secret about her mother’s mental illness.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Maximus is clearly the one holding Isabella’s feet to the fire, and Ryan can’t help her until he knows the full truth. Maximus is all too happy to reveal Isabella’s mother.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

The implication is that Isabella does not trust Ryan, and their marriage is already in ruins. It also suggests that Maximus has had absolute control over her all along, even though she thought she was free of him.

3. The realization that the plan has just evolved from driving Isabella mad to killing both of them.

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella did not want Ryan to know about Maximus because she did not want Maximus to reveal the secret about her mother’s mental illness.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Ryan’s own life is now on the line, too. It’s time to think of his own self-preservation.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Ryan becomes hostile to Isabella for holding him in such dangerous contempt.

CLUES

a. Isabela comes off as a fearful person, and it seems to be coloring her whole life. Why?

b. Isabella does not lie about knowing Silas, but she tries to hide it. What else might she be hiding?

c. Lots of tiny clues: the snake, heights, claustrophobia, her reaction to pentagrams in the cabin….

d. And the diary that just ends….

e. Ryan is more and more inclined to go along Isabella, especially when the ground fog appears.

f. Night two in the cabin becomes more and more intense: voices, doors opening and shutting, a chain dragging across the wood floor, whispers, and then ear shattering silence. Nothing.

g. The sound of the front door opening – footsteps. Isabella’s dead mother appears in the bedroom doorway – and speaks to her.

h. Ryan doesn’t believe in ghosts and decides to engage Mother Lake with questions. She responds, in the present, to Ryan!

CLIMAX:

MYSTERY

1. Ryan decides to test a theory….

2. How might Ryan beat Maximus at his own game?

3. Is everything being electronically orchestrated?

DANGER

1. Ryan assumes that Maximus is bent on killing them.

2. Ryan develops an escape plan, but…

3. The escape plan may be as dangerous as Maximus’ plan.

4. Ryan sets the cabin on fire, which spreads. They have no choice.

5. They must try the escape route.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan’s success in getting Isabella to safety, together with his understanding of her mother and Maximus’ evil, affirms Bella’s faith in him.

2. Isabella’s tentative faith in Silas is also fully affirmed. He becomes a trusted friend, together with Ryan.

REVEALS

1. The revelation that Ryan has a full grasp of the situation and must use every skill he knows to defeat Maximus and escape with Isabella. He burns the cabin to the ground, and all the electronics are revealed.

a. How did it get covered up?

Maximus rigged it that way.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

They cannot leave The Valley in any ordinary way, so Ryan must know Maximus’ mind if he has any chance of survival.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Ryan has a plan to expose Maximus, challenge him to a dual to the death, and to see what Isabella will do – trust him or not. Isabella is beyond terrified. She confesses all her fears and agrees to follow Ryan into Hell, if necessary.

2. The unintended consequences of the fire alerting the wilderness fire towers, alerts the press, Jack Samuelson, and of course, Maximus, who never anticipated anything like this. Jack, Silas, Maximus, and a hoard of firefighters converge on The Valley, exposing everything.

a. How did it get covered up?

Maximus rigged it that way.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

The reactions of Jack and Silas uncover Maximus’ use of Samuelson Scientific, a subsidiary of Maximus’ company, to lure Ryan and Isabella into The Valley, which he owns, so he could have his way with Isabella – and Ryan.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Maximus arrives, enraged. He manages to crash his helicopter, but escapes, threatening to kill all of them, shooting at them with his automatic weapon and screaming obscenities – until his helicopter explodes and the shrapnel kills him.

CLUES

a. Isabella, almost insane with fear, finally confesses to Maximus’ hold on her.

b. Ryan figures it out – all of it. They are being watched.

c. At first light, Ryan gathers forest wood, and without speaking another word (and shushing Isabella), takes it into the cabin and sets it ablaze. The cabin is filled with hidden electronics. Isabella’s fear is now gone; she agrees to trust Ryan and his plan.

RESOLUTION:

MYSTERY

1. What will Ryan do, now?

2. How is he aware of what’s going on?

3. Silas and Jack have shown up, proclaiming themselves innocent.

4. The connection of Jack to Maximus has unraveled.

DANGER

1. Maximus shows up and crashes his helicopter but escapes unhurt.

2. He was enraged at the fire and threatened to kill everybody.

3. When his helicopter explodes, throwing shrapnel everywhere – he is killed.

4. Ryan and Isabella’s marriage is up in the air. They pledge to focus on their strengths and forget the past.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Everyone’s distrust of Maximus is confirmed

2. Isabella and Ryan agree always to be truthful and trusting in the future – to have learned a vital lesson.

3. Ryan’s faith in Samuelson Scientific is reaffirmed.

REVEALS

1. Maximus’ true, selfish, feelings for Isabella are revealed when he threatens to kill her in cold blood, choosing to narcissistically kill her rather than to allow her to live her own life [as in the movie, Laura – Clifton Webb as Waldo Lydecker).

a. How did it get covered up?

Maximus orchestrated everything, creating fear, blackmail, and using friendships, all to cover his insane desire to possess Isabella for his own purposes.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Why would he do this?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Some questions can never be answered. They remain mysteries within mysteries.

CLUES

Isabella’s choice to risk it all by trusting Ryan is a good clue that they have established a workable trust in each other, and their marriage has been strengthened. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Dramatic Reveals

What I learned doing this lesson:

These are much more difficult for me. I tend to turn them into exposition. I need to rethink the whole process and make them dramatic in Hal’s sense of DRAMATIC.

I came up with more reveals than I thought I could, and the good thing about this was how each new reveal suggested new little twists and turns in the story.

DRAMATIC REVEALS DEFINED

1) Something covered up.

2) Demand is created for us to discover it (shown through mystery, intrigue, or suspense).

3) Revealed in a dramatic way. [the hard part]

1. Make a list of the important reveals that you want the audience to experience.

a. The entire cabin experience is something orchestrated to give one the “willies.” It’s a set up for what is to come, and the reveal comes when Isabella’s dead mother talks back to him and he realizes she’s a hologram speaking for someone else.

b. The connection that Ryan makes between what Isabella tells him about what Maximus did to her and what is happening now. Maximus’ plan is ongoing.

c. The realization that Silas cannot be the villain, but he is a Red Herring. Maybe the villain is Silas’ boss, Jack Samuelson?

d. The realization that the “sightings” in the valley are being generated artificially.

e. The realization that the Troglodyte-like gatekeeper is, in fact, not real.

f. The realization that they are trapped in The Valley and are in a life-and-death struggle for survival.

g. The realization that the plan has just evolved from driving Isabella mad to killing both of them.

h. The reveal that Ryan has a full grasp of the situation and must use every skill he knows to defeat Maximus and escape with Isabella. He burns the cabin to the ground, and all the electronics are revealed.

i. The unintended consequences of the fire alerting the wilderness fire towers, alerts the press, Jack Samuelson, and of course, Maximus, who never anticipated anything like this. Jack, Silas, Maximus, and a hoard of firefighters converge on The Valley, exposing everything.

j. Maximus’ true, selfish, feelings for Isabella are revealed when he threatens to kill her in cold blood, choosing to narcissistically die rather than to allow her to live her own life [as in the movie, Laura – Clifton Webb as Waldo Lydecker).

k. The revelation that Isabella and Silas have already met and know each other and that he’s already made a hit on Isabella.

Sequence them to fit into your Thriller Map

NEW THRILLER PLOT/MAP

OPENING:

MYSTERY

1. Who, after all, is Silas, and who is his boss?

2. Why the strange offer?

3. Where is this “Valley,” and why does an electronics firm own it?

4. Who is the guy at the wedding that walks off?

DANGER

1. Why is Isabella so out of joint over Sialis knowing her?

2. What is the significance of a guest leaving the wedding?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan has no reason to distrust anyone.

2. Isabella is so fearful that anyone might learn of her family history of mental illness, that she unthinkingly creates an aura of distrust around her.

3. Maximus is a forgotten entity to begin with, but he is absolutely NOT to be trusted.

4. Silas’ innocent hit on Isabella, sets off a chain reaction of trust/distrust.

REVEALS

1. The revelation that Isabella and Silas have already met and know each other and that he’s already made a hit on Isabella.

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella was afraid Ryan might take it the wrong way. So they pretended not to know each other.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella’s guilt shows, and Ryan senses that something is off – being covered up.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

It becomes a Trust/Distrust situation with a pending marriage at stake.

INCITING EVENT:

MYSTERY

1. Does Silas actually know how to fly that old helicopter?

2. Okay. Now they’re “here” [the starting point], now what?

3. Really, now. A paid gatekeeper to The Valley? Why?

DANGER

1. The old helicopter decides to hiccup. Silas must fix it.

2. The snake in the trail upsets Isabella.

3. Isabella’s fear of heights.

4. Isabella’s claustrophobia – rock fall?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan still has no reason to distrust anyone.

2. Isabella is surprised by Silas’ truthfulness and comes to trust him.

REVEALS

1. The realization that the Troglodyte-like gatekeeper is, in fact, not real.

a. How did it get covered up?

He is a projected hologram that looks absolutely real.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

When they return, he’s gone, along with his cabin. What happened to him? Where did he go? And the cabin? Who could have even set this up? Silas? Silas’ company – Jack Samuelson? Why?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Both Ryan and Isabella are left spellbound and fearful.

TURNING POINT 1:

MYSTERY

1. Nothing feels right. The gatekeeper was weird.

2. The cabin appears new, but it is made to look old.

3. Inside, the cabin is spooky: symbols, the diary….

3. Are they alone, or not? Ryan feels eyes on the back of his neck.

4. What has Silas gotten them into? His descriptions do not fit.

5. Why is Isabella so full of fears? Ryan wonders.

DANGER

1. Are they seeing danger on their walk down Valley or just imagining it?

2. Ground fog moves in. Isabella’s fears get the best of her.

3. The night is filled with strange noises. Sleep is fitful.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan has no reason to distrust anyone but begins to question Silas, Jack, or maybe both.

2. Isabella’s hidden fear of Maximus (unexpressed) causes her to distrust Silas again (revealed later).

REVEALS

1. The entire cabin experience is something orchestrated to give one the “willies.” It’s a setup for what is to come, and the reveal comes when Isabella’s dead mother talks back to him, and he realizes she’s a hologram speaking for someone else.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone was behind all this. A diary that mysteriously just ends? Where did they go? What happened?

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella is easily spooked. Ryan is already thinking outside the box, after the gate experience. He sees a possible connection and can’t help but voice concerns. Isabella’s life seems to be at stake.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

It is profound enough to engage Ryan and get him thinking.

2. The realization that the “sightings” in the valley are being generated artificially.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone set it up this way. Who?

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella was harmed at the gate. There is a progression, here, and it all seems to be aimed at Isabella’s unstable underpinnings. What is he not telling Ryan? How can he help her if she’s holding back? Who stands to gain? Silas? Is this some sort of game that Silas and Isabella are playing on him? Why would she do this?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

At first, the sightings are passed off as imagination, but with the disappearance of the gatekeeper and Isabella’s being harmed, it is developing into a pattern. Who would do this. Silas? His version of The Valley was totally different from what he and Isabella are experiencing. And it was Sils that encouraged this honeymoon.

3. The realization that they are trapped in The Valley and are in a life-and-death struggle for survival.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone set it up this way. Who?

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella was harmed at the gate. There is a progression, here, and it all seems to be aimed at Isabella’s unstable underpinnings. What is he not telling Ryan? How can he help her if she’s holding back? Who stands to gain? Silas? Is this some sort of game that Silas and Isabella are playing on him? Why would she do this?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

The revelation (later) that Maximus may be involved takes Ryan to a whole new place with a whole new set of questions.

MIDPOINT TWIST:

MYSTERY

1. The cabin is weird: the symbols, the book, the night sounds….

2. Isabella wants to leave. She is frightened. Ryan agrees.

DANGER

1. Isabella is struck unconscious at the gate – convulses.

2. Ryan is now frightened. Takes her back to the cabin.

3. Is she going to be okay? Or is this just the beginning?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan distrusts Silas.

2. Isabella openly distrusts Silas – and uses Ryan’s distrust to avoid saying more.

REVEALS

1. The realization that the plan has just evolved from driving Isabella mad to killing both of them.

a. How did it get covered up?

Someone sinister set this up

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Isabella is easily spooked. Ryan is already thinking outside the box, after the gate experience. He sees a possible connection and can’t help but voice concerns. Isabella’s life seems to be at stake, and he is feeling pressure to solve the mystery.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact

Isabella’s life is clearly in Ryan’s hands, and he knows it.

2. The realization that Silas cannot be the villain. He is a Red Herring. Maybe the villain is Silas’ boss, Jack Samuelson?

a. How did it get covered up?

As with everything else, there is a clear plan at work, here, and whoever it is doing a good job of making it work.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

If it was Silas, and he and Isabella had something to hide, why would he be doing this to her? Could it be Jack? It was Jake who Silas claims suggested The Valley and gave Silas the company helicopter to take them there.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Ryan no longer knows who to trust.

TURNING POINT 2:

MYSTERY

1. Night two in the cabin has both Isabella and Ryan spooked.

2. Who or what is doing this? For what reason? Silas? Silas boss?

3. Isabella’s mother [who is dead] appears — terrifies Isabella, and

4. She becomes Ryan’s first evidence of what might be happening.

DANGER

1. Isabella blames Silas – and thinks he’s blackmailing her.

2. Ryan at first goes along with her as his hit on her unfolds.

3. Isabella’s mother threatens her – and talks to her in the present.

4. Ryan finds this curious – realizes they’re being watched.

5. Isabella’s experience with Maximus unfolds.

6. Ryan realizes that the dangers are real.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan’s distrust in Silas morphs into a distrust of virtually everyone, as Isabella begins to break down and reveal the truth about her mother and about Maximus’ blackmail.

2. Isabella also shifts from distrusting Silas to fearfully distrusting Maximus.

3. With nowhere else to go, Isabella finally puts all her faith in Ryan and agrees to his terrifying plan of escape.

REVEALS

1. The realization that Silas cannot be the villain. He is a Red Herring. Maybe the villain is Silas’ boss, Jack Samuelson?

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella did not want Ryan to know about Maximus because she did not want Maximus to reveal the secret about her mother’s mental illness. And that fear got passed along to Silas.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

What is Isabella not telling Ryan that is allowing all this to happen?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Isabella is getting backed into a corner from which she cannot escape, and that’s more terrifying than everything else.

2. The connection that Ryan makes between what Isabella tells him about what Maximus did to her and what is happening now. Maximus’ plan is obviously on-going.

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella did not want Ryan to know about Maximus because she did not want Maximus to reveal the secret about her mother’s mental illness.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Maximus is clearly the one holding Isabella’s feet to the fire, and Ryan can’t help her until he knows the full truth. Maximus is all too happy to reveal Isabella’s mother.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

The implication is that Isabella does not trust Ryan, and their marriage is already in ruins. It also suggests that Maximus has had absolute control over her all along, even though she thought she was free of him.

3. The realization that the plan has just evolved from driving Isabella mad to killing both of them.

a. How did it get covered up?

Isabella did not want Ryan to know about Maximus because she did not want Maximus to reveal the secret about her mother’s mental illness.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Ryan’s own life is now on the line, too. It’s time to think of his own self-preservation.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Ryan becomes hostile to Isabella for holding him in such dangerous contempt.

CLIMAX:

MYSTERY

1. Ryan decides to test a theory….

2. How might Ryan beat Maximus at his own game?

3. Is everything being electronically orchestrated?

DANGER

1. Ryan assumes that Maximus is bent on killing them.

2. Ryan develops an escape plan, but…

3. The escape plan may be as dangerous as Maximus’ plan.

4. Ryan sets the cabin on fire, which spreads. They have no choice.

5. They must try the escape route.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan’s success in getting Isabella to safety, together with his understanding of her mother and Maximus’ evil, affirms Bella’s faith in him.

2. Isabella’s tentative faith in Silas is also fully affirmed. He becomes a trusted friend, together with Ryan.

REVEALS

1. The revelation that Ryan has a full grasp of the situation and must use every skill he knows to defeat Maximus and escape with Isabella. He burns the cabin to the ground, and all the electronics are revealed.

a. How did it get covered up?

Maximus rigged it that way.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

They cannot leave The Valley in any ordinary way, so Ryan must know Maximus’ mind if he has any chance of survival.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Ryan has a plan to expose Maximus, challenge him to a dual to the death, and to see what Isabella will do – trust him or not. Isabella is beyond terrified. She confesses all her fears and agrees to follow Ryan into Hell, if necessary.

2. The unintended consequences of the fire alerting the wilderness fire towers, alerts the press, Jack Samuelson, and of course, Maximus, who never anticipated anything like this. Jack, Silas, Maximus, and a hoard of firefighters converge on The Valley, exposing everything.

a. How did it get covered up?

Maximus rigged it that way.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

The reactions of Jack and Silas uncover Maximus’ use of Samuelson Scientific, a subsidiary of Maximus’ company, to lure Ryan and Isabella into The Valley, which he owns, so he could have his way with Isabella – and Ryan.

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Maximus arrives, enraged. He manages to crash his helicopter, but escapes, threatening to kill all of them, shooting at them with his automatic weapon and screaming obscenities – until his helicopter explodes and the shrapnel kills him.

RESOLUTION:

MYSTERY

1. What will Ryan do, now?

2. How is he aware of what’s going on?

3. Silas and Jack have shown up, proclaiming themselves innocent.

4. The connection of Jack to Maximus has unraveled.

DANGER

1. Maximus shows up and crashes his helicopter but escapes unhurt.

2. He was enraged at the fire and threatened to kill everybody.

3. When his helicopter explodes, throwing shrapnel everywhere – he is killed.

4. Ryan and Isabella’s marriage is up in the air. They pledge to focus on their strengths and forget the past.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Everyone’s distrust of Maximus is confirmed

2. Isabella and Ryan agree always to be truthful and trusting in the future – to have learned a vital lesson.

3. Ryan’s faith in Samuelson Scientific is reaffirmed.

REVEALS

1. Maximus’ true, selfish, feelings for Isabella are revealed when he threatens to kill her in cold blood, choosing to narcissistically kill her rather than to allow her to live her own life [as in the movie, Laura – Clifton Webb as Waldo Lydecker).

a. How did it get covered up?

Maximus orchestrated everything, creating fear, blackmail, and using friendships, all to cover his insane desire to possess Isabella for his own purposes.

b. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

Why would he do this?

c. When you reveal the truth, it must have a dramatic impact.

Some questions can never be answered. They remain mysteries within mysteries.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Trust Relationships

What I learned from this assignment:

Rising and falling trust in each of the characters can change the direction of the story as quickly and surely as Plot twists and Reveals.

The way new ones keep popping into mind suggests there will be more to come.

1. Make a list of the main characters.

Hero: Ryan (Rocky) Stone

Villain: Maximus (Megabyte) Blackwood

Red Herring Character: Sialis Locke

Trusted, but shouldn’t be: Isabella (Bella) Lake

Isn’t trusted but should be: Jack Samuelson

2. With each character, ask these questions:

A. What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable?

Ryan: Trustable

Maximus: Not Trustable

Silas: Trustable

Isabella: Not (fully)Trustable

Jack: Not (fully) Trustable

Mother Lake: Neither

B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable?

Any character that withholds vital information may be cast opposite to what they truly are.

C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?

Fear is a classic modifier of truth (something even religion often fails to grasp).

Partial knowledge of all the facts may lead to vacillation.

3. With each character relationship, brainstorm how trust or distrust might show up between them.

A. Hero / Villain:

1. Trust: They were once university students, together.

2. Distrust: They were both interested in the same young coed.

B. Hero / Red Herring Character:

1. Trust: Silas, a sales representative of Samuelson Scientific, has known Ryan for several years.

2. Distrust: Sialis met Bella at a Starbucks and asks her for a date.

C. Hero / Trusted, but shouldn’t be:

1. Trust: Ryan is about to marry Isabella, but “fearful Bella” has been holding out on him.

2. Distrust: Ryan does not know about Isabella’s mother (her mental illness).

Ryan does not know about how Maximus tried to blackmail Bella, at university.

Ryan does not know about how Silas met her at a Starbucks and hit on her.

D. Hero / Isn’t trusted, but should be:

1. Trust: Ryan does not know Mr. Samuelson enough to trust or not trust him, but Ryan should trust him. He’s a decent man who is in the dark regarding Maximus’ villainous nature, like everyone else, but Bella.

2. Distrust: When Ryan learns of Mr. Samuelson’s relationship with Maximus Blackwood, all trust is gone.

4. Create a sequence for each trust/distrust relationship (like I did with Three Days of The Condor) and then add that to your map.

A. Hero / Villain:

1. Trust: (Pre-story)Initially, Ryan and Maximus were casual friends.

2. Distrust: (Pre-story) Ryan’s trust was broken when Maximus began to show an interest in Ryan’s girlfriend, Bella.

3. Trust: (Pre-story)Bella rejected both Ryan and Maximus; each went their own ways, and the matter was forgotten.

4. Distrust: When the truth about Maximus’ blackmailing Bella is revealed, Ryan’s Distrust returns.

5. Trust: As the night in the cabin progresses, Ryan comes to a new kind of Trust – in Maximus’ pure evil.

B. Hero / Red Herring Character:

1. Trust: Ryan and Silas’ history of friendship as a client to a salesman.

2. Distrust: The Valley turns out to be completely different from what Silas described.

3. Trust: As the realization that Maximus is behind all the bad happenings, Ryan’s Trust in Silas returns.

4. Trust: When Silas returns to try and rescue Ryan and Isabella, their faith in him returns.

5. Trust: Faith in Silas’ boss and owner of Samuelson Scientific, Jack Samuelson, is established. He, too, was a victim of Maximus.

C. Hero / Trusted, but shouldn’t be:

1. Trust: Ryan and Isabella are getting married, and he trusts her implicitly.

2. Distrust: That Isabella finds it necessary to keep her knowledge of Silas from him, suggests that she doesn’t trust him.

3. Trust: Isabella is sorry. Ryan and Isabella are married and recite vows of trust.

4. Distrust: Silas becomes the Red Herring. Is there more she isn’t telling Ryan?

Ryan finds out about Isabella’s mother. He wonders.

Ryan finds out about Maximus and why Bella went her own way.

Ryan discovers they’re being watched – by Maximus.

5. Trust: What has been happening to Isabella is so convoluted and sinister, that he cannot help but Trust again.

6. Trust: Despite Isabella’s near breakdown from terror, she puts all her faith in Ryan, and he saves her.

7. Trust: Ryan’s trust in Isabella is fully rewarded when Maximus shows up to kill them – showing his vileness.

D. Hero / Isn’t trusted, but should be:

1. Distrust: When Ryan learns of Jack Samuelson’s relationship to Maximus, all trust in both, him and Silas is lost.

2. Trust: When it is evident that both Jack and Silas are being played by Maximus, Ryan’s faith in them returns.

NEW THRILLER PLOT/MAP

OPENING:

MYSTERY

1. Who, after all, is Silas, and who is his boss?

2. Why the strange offer?

3. Where is this “Valley,” and why does an electronics firm own it?

4. Who is the guy at the wedding that walks off?

DANGER

1. Why is Isabella so out of joint over Sialis knowing her?

2. What is the significance of a guest leaving the wedding?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan has no reason to distrust anyone.

2. Isabella is so fearful that anyone might learn of her family history of mental illness, that she unthinkingly creates an aura of distrust around her.

3. Maximus is a forgotten entity to begin with, but he is absolutely NOT to be trusted.

4. Silas’ innocent hit on Isabella, sets off a chain reaction of trust/distrust.

INCITING EVENT:

MYSTERY

1. Does Silas actually know how to fly that old helicopter?

2. Okay. Now they’re “here” [the starting point], now what?

3. Really, now. A paid gatekeeper to The Valley? Why?

DANGER

1. The old helicopter decides to hiccup. Silas must fix it.

2. The snake in the trail upsets Isabella.

3. Isabella’s fear of heights.

4. Isabella’s claustrophobia – rock fall?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan still has no reason to distrust anyone.

2. Isabella is surprised by Silas’ truthfulness and comes to trust him.

TURNING POINT 1:

MYSTERY

1. Nothing feels right. The gatekeeper was weird.

2. The cabin appears new, but it is made to look old.

3. Inside, the cabin is spooky: symbols, the diary….

3. Are they alone, or not? Ryan feels eyes on the back of his neck.

4. What has Silas gotten them into? His descriptions do not fit.

5. Why is Isabella so full of fears? Ryan wonders.

DANGER

1. Are they seeing danger on their walk down Valley or just imagining it?

2. Ground fog moves in. Isabella’s fears get the best of her.

3. The night is filled with strange noises. Sleep is fitful.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan has no reason to distrust anyone but begins to question Silas, Jack, or maybe both.

2. Isabella’s hidden fear of Maximus (unexpressed) causes her to distrust Silas again (revealed later).

MIDPOINT TWIST:

MYSTERY

1. The cabin is weird: the symbols, the book, the night sounds….

2. Isabella wants to leave. She is frightened. Ryan agrees.

DANGER

1. Isabella is struck unconscious at the gate – convulses.

2. Ryan is now frightened. Takes her back to the cabin.

3. Is she going to be okay? Or is this just the beginning?

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan distrusts Silas.

2. Isabella openly distrusts Silas – uses Ryan’s distrust to avoid saying more.

TURNING POINT 2:

MYSTERY

1. Night two in the cabin has both Isabella and Ryan spooked.

2. Who or what is doing this? For what reason? Silas? Silas boss?

3. Isabella’s mother [who is dead] appears — terrifies Isabella, and

4. She becomes Ryan’s first evidence of what might be happening.

DANGER

1. Isabella blames Silas – and thinks he’s blackmailing her.

2. Ryan at first goes along with her as his hit on her unfolds.

3. Isabella’s mother threatens her – and talks to her in the present.

4. Ryan finds this curious – realizes they’re being watched.

5. Isabella’s experience with Maximus unfolds.

6. Ryan realizes that the dangers are real.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan’s distrust in Silas morphs into a distrust of virtually everyone, as Isabella begins to break down and reveal the truth about her mother and about Maximus’ blackmail.

2. Isabella also shifts from distrusting Silas to fearfully distrusting Maximus.

3. With nowhere else to go, Isabella finally puts all her faith in Ryan and agrees to his terrifying plan of escape.

CLIMAX:

MYSTERY

1. Ryan decides to test a theory….

2. How might Ryan beat Maximus at his own game?

3. Is everything being electronically orchestrated?

DANGER

1. Ryan assumes that Maximus is bent on killing them.

2. Ryan develops an escape plan, but…

3. The escape plan may be as dangerous as Maximus’ plan.

4. Ryan sets the cabin on fire, which spreads. They have no choice.

5. They must try the escape route.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Ryan’s success in getting Isabella to safety, together with his understanding of her mother and Maximus’ evil, affirms Bella’s faith in him.

2. Isabella’s tentative faith in Silas is also fully affirmed. He becomes a trusted friend, together with Ryan.

RESOLUTION:

MYSTERY

1. What will Maximus do, now?

2. How is he aware of what’s going on?

3. Silas shows up, proclaiming himself innocent.

4. The connection of Silas’ boss to Maximus unravels.

DANGER

1. Maximus shows up and crashes his helicopter but escapes unhurt.

2. He is enraged at the fire and threatens to kill everybody.

3. His helicopter explodes, throwing shrapnel everywhere – he is killed.

4. Ryan and Isabella pledge to focus on their strengths and forget the past.

TRUST/DISTRUST

1. Everyone’s distrust of Maximus is confirmed

2. Isabella and Ryan agree to always be truthful and trusting in the future – to have learned a vital lesson.

3. Ryan’s faith in Samuelson Scientific is also affirmed.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Twists and Turns.

What I learned doing this assignment:

1. Planning out some of the twists beyond the three Major Twists is proving helpful in fleshing out the storyline. However, without more of the story written, it’s hard to fully anticipate more that will naturally follow. The climb out of The Valley, for instance, will certainly generate more. Isabella is totally spooked and losing it.

2. Further, I have not yet fully orchestrated the end events, so I don’t know where to put additional twists. I’m surprised I could come up with 14. Some still seem a bit “soft,” but they can be “hardened up.”

TWIST = An unexpected turn of events or a shift of direction of the plot.

TYPES OF PLOT TWISTS THAT SEEM APPROPRIATE TO THIS SCRIPT, SO FAR.

1. Something planned for doesn’t happen.

2. Lost their resources.

3. Someone changes sides.

4. A new problem occurs.

5. A lie is uncovered.

6. New consequences emerge.

7. New options emerge.

8. A mistake returns to haunt them.

9. A trust is violated.

10. We see an unexpected side of someone.

11. It just got more dangerous.

12. Secret identity uncovered.

13. The worst thing possible happens.

14. The “solution” makes things worse.

Build Twists throughout your story

TWIST 01: T1.

TWIST: Isabella doesn’t want Ryan to know that she and Silas know each other, so she holds DIRECTION: Both Silas and Isabella unexpectedly meet on their way to join Ryan for lunch. She holds back and lets Sialis go ahead. He is to pretend he doesn’t know her.

TWIST 02: T4

DIRECTION: A stranger joins the guests at the wedding but stands back.

TWIST: After they are pronounced husband and wife, he suddenly leaves.

TWIST 03: T10

DIRECTION: The helicopter breaks down, and Ryan and Isabella are ready to call it quits.

TWIST: Silas proves himself worthy, fixes the craft, and flies them to their destination.

TWIST 04: T11

DIRECTION: Nothing feels right. They decide to leave, but a ground fog comes up.

TWIST: They are too afraid to leave, now. Go back to the cabin and hole up.

TWIST 05: T11

DIRECTION: After a scary night in a weird cabin, Isabell is determined to leave, but

TWIST: When she decides to “crash the gate,” she is zapped unconscious by an unseen force.

TWIST 06: T11

DIRECTION: Isabella convulses, and Ryan is afraid to leave, now.

TWIST: He carries her back to the cabin.

TWIST 07: T8

DIRECTION: The night sounds return, and Isabella is terrified.

TWIST: Once again, Ryan tries to calm her and almost succeeds.

TWIST 08: T13

DIRECTION: Isabella is starting to calm down until

TWIST: Her mentally ill mother seems to literally appear in the room.

TWIST 09: T6

DIRECTION: Isabella is screaming, but Ryan knows that her mother is dead.

TWIST: Ryan demands an explanation. He doesn’t believe in ghosts.

TWIST 10: T5

DIRECTION: Isabella confesses her trying to hide her mother’s illness it from Ryan,

TWIST: But Ryan wants to know who else knew or knows.

TWIST 11: T10

DIRECTION: Maximus’ infatuation with Isabella unfolds, and his blackmail and

TWIST: Ryan talks to the image of Isabella’s mother and realizes they are being watched.

TWIST 12: T14

DIRECTION: Ryan understands that if they cannot leave The Valley via the gate, there is no way out.

TWIST: Or is there? They return to the gate, but they are still blocked, so they return to the cabin, and Ryan burns it to the ground. Reasonably sure that Maximus is now deaf, dumb, and blind –

TWIST 13: T14

DIRECTION: Ryan unfolds his new plan. Isabella refuses, but as the fire now threatens to burn them alive,

TWIST: Isabella fully places her trust in Ryan, and they begin the dangerous climb out of The Valley, now fully engulfed in flames.

TWIST 14: T2

DIRECTION: Ryan and Isabella make it out of The Valley; think they’re safe, but

TWIST: Maximus shows up and threatens to kill them… until his crashed helicopter explodes and kills him.

******************

THRILLER PLOT/MAP

Opening

MYSTERY 1. Who, after all, is Silas, and who is his boss?

2. Why the strange offer?

3. Where is this “Valley,” and why does an electronics firm own it?

4. Who is the guy at the wedding that walks off?

DANGER 1. Why is Isabella so out of joint over Sialis knowing her?

2. What is the significance of a guest leaving the wedding?

TWIST 1. (1) Both Silas and Isabella unexpectedly meet on their way to join Ryan for lunch. Isabella doesn’t want Ryan to know that she and Silas know each other, so she holds back and lets Sialis go ahead. He is to pretend he doesn’t know her.

2. (2) A stranger joins the guests at the wedding but stands back. After they are pronounced husband and wife, he suddenly leaves.

Inciting Event

MYSTERY

1. Does Silas actually know how to fly that old helicopter?

2. Okay. Now they’re “here” [the starting point], now what?

3. Really, now. A paid gatekeeper to The Valley? Why?

DANGER 1. The old helicopter decides to hiccup. Silas must fix it.

2. The snake in the trail upsets Isabella.

3. Isabella’s fear of heights.

4. Isabella’s claustrophobia – rock fall?

TWIST 1. (3) Both Silas and Isabella unexpectedly meet on their way to join Ryan for lunch. Isabella doesn’t want Ryan to know that she and Silas know each other, so she holds back and lets Sialis go ahead. He is to pretend he doesn’t know her.

2. (4) A stranger joins the guests at the wedding but stands back. After they are pronounced husband and wife, he suddenly leaves.

3. (5) The helicopter breaks down, and Ryan and Isabella are ready to call it quits with Silas. Silas proves himself worthy, however. He fixes the craft and flies them to their destination.

Turning Point 1

MYSTERY 1. Nothing feels right. The gatekeeper was weird.

2. The cabin appears new, but it is made to look old.

3. Inside, the cabin is spooky: symbols, the diary….

4. Are they alone, or not? Ryan feels eyes on the back of his neck.

5. What has Silas gotten them into? His descriptions do not fit.

6. Why is Isabella so full of fears? Ryan wonders.

DANGER 1. Are they seeing danger on their walk down Valley or just imagining it?

2. Ground fog moves in. Isabella’s fears get the best of her.

3. The night is filled with strange noises. Sleep is fitful.

TWIST 1. (5) After a scary night in a weird cabin, Isabell is determined to leave, but when she decides to “crash the gate,” she is zapped unconscious by an unseen force.

2. (6) Isabella convulses, and Ryan is afraid to leave, now. He carries her back to the cabin.

Midpoint Twist

MYSTERY 1. The cabin is weird: the symbols, the book, the night sounds….

2. Isabella wants to leave. She is frightened. Ryan agrees.

DANGER 1. Isabella is struck unconscious at the gate – and convulses.

2. Ryan is now frightened. Takes her back to the cabin.

3. Is she going to be okay? Or is this just the beginning?

TWIST 1. (7) The night sounds return, and Isabella is terrified. Once again, Ryan tries to calm her and almost succeeds.

Turning Point 2

MYSTERY 1. Night two in the cabin has both Isabella and Ryan spooked.

2. Who or what is doing this? For what reason? Silas? Silas boss?

3. Isabella’s mother [who is dead] appears — terrifies Isabella, and

4. She becomes Ryan’s first evidence of what might be happening.

DANGER 1. Isabella blames Silas – and thinks he’s blackmailing her.

2. Ryan at first goes along with her as Silas’ hit on her unfolds.

3. Isabella’s mother threatens her – and talks to her in the present.

4. Ryan finds this curious – realizes they’re being watched.

5. Isabella’s experience with Maximus unfolds.

6. Ryan realizes that the dangers are real.

TWIST 1. (8) Isabella is screaming, but Ryan knows that her mother is dead. Ryan demands an explanation. He doesn’t believe in ghosts. Isabella returns to a semblance of normal.

2. (9) Isabella confesses her trying to hide her mother’s illness from Ryan, but Ryan wants to know who else knew or knows.

3.(10)

Climax

MYSTERY 1. Ryan decides to test a theory….

2. How might Ryan beat Maximus at his own game?

3. Is everything being electronically orchestrated?

DANGER 1. Ryan assumes that Maximus is bent on killing them.

2. Ryan develops an escape plan, but…

3. The escape plan may be as dangerous as Maximus’ plan.

4. Ryan sets the cabin on fire, which spreads. They have no choice.

5. They must try the escape route.

TWIST 1. (11) Maximus’ infatuation with Isabella unfolds (and his blackmail), and Ryan talks to the image of Isabella’s mother, he realizes they are being watched.

2. (12) Ryan understands that if they cannot leave The Valley via the gate, there is no way out, or is there? They return to the gate, are still blocked, so they return to the cabin, and Ryan burns it to the ground. Reasonably sure that Maximus is now deaf, dumb, and blind –

Resolution

MYSTERY 1. What will Maximus do, now?

2. How is he aware of what’s going on?

3. Silas shows up, proclaiming himself innocent.

4. The connection of Silas’ boss to Maximus unravels.

DANGER 1. Maximus shows up and crashes his helicopter but escapes unhurt.

2. He is enraged by the fire and threatens to kill everybody.

3. His helicopter explodes, throwing shrapnel everywhere – he is killed.

4. Ryan and Isabella pledge to focus on their strengths and forget the past.

TWIST 1. (13) Ryan unfolds his new plan. Isabella refuses, but as the fire now threatens to burn them alive, Isabella fully places her trust in Ryan, and they begin the dangerous climb out of The Valley, now fully engulfed in flames.

2. (14). Ryan and Isabella make it out of The Valley, and think they’re safe, but Maximus shows up and threatens to kill them… until his crashed helicopter explodes and kills him.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Thriller Plot!

What I learned doing this assignment:

The logic behind the three previous lessons became patently clear with this one. I found that I had to go back and spruce up the previous lessons to understand this one.

BIG MYSTERY = THE BIG SECRET THAT IS BEING COVERED UP = The source of their danger.

I. List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.

Opening – Ryan and Isabella are lured into a free honeymoon vacation by Silas

Inciting Event – Ryan and Isabella accept Silas’ offer, and after the wedding, find themselves isolated in a vast wilderness. There is no turning back.

Turning Point 1 – Something is not right.

Midpoint Twist – They are in serious danger, and they know it.

Turning Point 2 – They make a terribly dangerous decision to try to beat the trap they’re in.

Climax – They succeed in escaping the Villain’s trap.

Resolution – Ryan and Isabella agree to focus on their unexpected strengths and forget past secrets.

II. Inside your structure, fill in the gaps with the Life-Threatening situations, Mysteries, and Villain’s plan. Do this one at a time. That will keep you from getting confused.

Opening

MYSTERY 1. Who, after all, is Silas, and who is his boss?

2. Why the strange offer?

3. Where is this “Valley,” and why does an electronics firm own it?

4. Who is the guy at the wedding that walks off?

DANGER 1. Why is Isabella so out of joint over Sialis knowing her?

2. What is the significance of a guest leaving the wedding?

Inciting Event

MYSTERY 1. Does Silas actually know how to fly that old helicopter?

2. Okay. Now they’re “here” [the starting point], now what?

3. Really, now. A paid gatekeeper to The Valley? Why?

DANGER 1. The old helicopter decides to hiccup. Silas must fix it.

2. The snake in the trail upsets Isabella.

3. Isabella’s fear of heights.

4. Isabella’s claustrophobia – rock fall?

Turning Point 1

MYSTERY 1. Nothing feels right. The gatekeeper was weird.

2. The cabin appears new, but it is made to look old.

3. Inside, the cabin is spooky: symbols, the diary….

3. Are they alone, or not? Ryan feels eyes on the back of his neck.

4. What has Silas gotten them into? His descriptions do not fit.

5. Why is Isabella so full of fears? Ryan wonders.

DANGER 1. Are they seeing danger on their walk down Valley or just imagining it?

2. Ground fog moves in. Isabella’s fears get the best of her.

3. The night is filled with strange noises. Sleep is fitful.

Midpoint Twist

MYSTERY 1. The cabin is weird: the symbols, the book, the night sounds….

2. Isabella wants to leave. She is frightened. Ryan agrees.

DANGER 1. Isabella is struck unconscious at the gate – and convulses.

2. Ryan is now frightened. Takes her back to the cabin.

3. Is she going to be okay? Or is this just the beginning?

Turning Point 2

MYSTERY 1. Night two in the cabin has both Isabella and Ryan spooked.

2. Who or what is doing this? For what reason? Silas? Silas boss?

3. Isabella’s mother [who is dead] appears — terrifies Isabella, and

4. She becomes Ryan’s first evidence of what might be happening.

DANGER 1. Isabella blames Silas – thinks he’s blackmailing her.

2. Ryan at first goes along with her as his hit on her unfolds.

3. Isabella’s mother threatens her – talks to her in the present.

4. Ryan finds this curious – realizes they’re being watched.

5. Isabella’s experience with Maximus unfolds.

6. Ryan realizes that the dangers are real.

Climax

MYSTERY 1. Ryan decides to test a theory….

2. How might Ryan beat Maximus at his own game?

3. Is everything being electronically orchestrated?

DANGER 1. Ryan assumes that Maximus is bent on killing them.

2. Ryan develops an escape plan, but…

3. The escape plan may be as dangerous as Maximus’ plan.

4. Ryan sets the cabin on fire, which spreads. They have no choice.

5. They must try the escape route.

Resolution

MYSTERY 1. What will Maximus do, now?

2. How is he aware of what’s going on?

3. Silas shows up, proclaiming himself innocent.

4. The connection of Silas’ boss to Maximus unravels.

DANGER 1. Maximus shows up and crashes his helicopter, but escapes unhurt.

2. He is enraged by the fire and threatens to kill everybody.

3. His helicopter explodes, throwing shrapnel everywhere – he is killed.

4. Ryan and Isabella pledge to focus on their strengths and forget the past.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: The Life-Threatening Sequence (Suspense)

What I learned doing this assignment:

1. I’ve figured out where the story needs to start.

2. The first Danger should occur somewhere in the first ten pages and should never stop until the last scene.

Potential Dangers

ThreatsTalking about the dangerPhysical dangerSurveillance / watchedChasedLured into a dangerous situationCloseness to the villainTrapped / Abducted / ArrestedDanger to someone they know people around them die or are injured. Stalked Thugs or professionals hired to hurt them. Presence of weapons or thugs. The unknown.

But the danger could also come from other areas:

Something that damages their reputation. Chance that a relationship could end. The threat that their own secret could be revealed. Public humiliation.Loss of a job or career. A demand to stop pursuing the mystery. Betrayal from someone close. Someone operating covertly around them. Other parties who need to solve the mystery first. Other parties who want the Villain dead. <div>

1. What is the Villain’s plan, and how does that put the Hero in danger?

<div><div>

Maximus’ Plan is to drive Isabella insane (or worse) like her mother, and since Ryan is now married to Isabella, what injures her injures him. Maximus is just fine with that.

2. What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?</div>

<div>

It’s a wilderness area, far from emergency help of any kind.

And what if they get trapped in The Valley and can’t get out, leaving them to Maximus’ whims?

Or, what if Ryan figures-out a way out, but it’s very dangerous and they may not make it?

3. From the list of potential dangers, choose the ones that work for this story.

These are the ones that seem to work, at this point in time.

· Threats

· Physical danger

· Surveillance / watched

· Lured into a dangerous situation

· Trapped / Abducted / Arrested

· The unknown

But the danger could also come from other areas:

· Something that damages their reputation

· The chance that a relationship could end.

· The threat that their own secret could be revealed.

· Ancillary unexpected dangers like rock slides or a fall, etc.

4. Sequence those dangers in order and make a list like the one I did for Basic Instinct above.</div><div>

a. Ryan, Silas, and Isabella meet for dinner. Ryan is first, followed by Silas and Isabella, who meet outside the restaurant. Isabella queries Silas about whether he’s said anything to Ryan about their knowing each other. Silas reassures her and is next to enter. Isabella holds back and is last to enter. Ryan is in the dark, and when Isabella arrives, he introduces her to Silas – and presents Silas’ Plan via Silas’ firm’s invitation. Silas is unaware of Maximus or his firm’s relationship with Maximus. Ryan is unaware of anything. Isabella is largely unaware of Ryan’s dealings with Silas.

b. Although, in the beginning, Isabella isn’t talking about her felt threats (her mother, Maximus, Silas), they are affecting her and her disposition. She’s constantly afraid that Ryan will find out, and that will be the end of their marriage.

c. Ryan is very intuitive, and there is something about The Valley that doesn’t feel right. He feels he’s been lured into a dangerous situation and feels “eyes on the back of his neck.”

d. Ryan begins to imagine he sees physical danger. The problem is, Isabella sees it too – or is she just imagining it, too?

e. The cabin is too good to be true, and it is filled with mysterious symbols and a book… a diary.

f. The night is filled with sounds that escalate until morning.

g. Isabella is terrified and wants to leave.

h. There is a gate and fence blocking the trail out. Isabella tries to broach the gate and is knocked back by some force field. She’s unconscious and convulses. Ryan no longer feels trapped; he knows they’re trapped. There is little choice but to stay in the cabin for another night.

i. First, the sounds return, then, the physical manifestations, which include Isabella’s mother. Ryan is an unbeliever, so his mind runs in a different direction from Isabella’s. They argue. Silas becomes the Red Herring until the connection to Maximus is made. Isabella confesses her fears, one by one, and Ryan builds a more accurate picture of the weird guy from college.

j. Ryan perceives the cabin to be a set-up, as well as the entire valley. They once again try to leave – they cannot. More scary experiences.

k. Ryan thinks he can lead Isabella out of harm’s way, but it will be equally dangerous. Angry, he sets the cabin on fire (he has his logical reasons). The fire spreads. They must leave.

l. Ryan’s escape route is very scary in places, but it works.

m. Ryan and Isabella reach the lake on the rim and meet Silas, proclaiming his innocence.

n. Maximus crashes his helicopter but escapes with his weaponry, yelling he’s going to kill them.

o. Silas is proven innocent. Maximus is killed when his helicopter explodes, also threatening the other three.

</div></div></div>

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Mystery Sequence (Mystery)

What I learned doing this assignment:

a. Mystery Definition: “Anything that is kept secret or remains unexplained or unknown.”

b. While it is a mystery to us, it is a secret for the Villain.

c. When the Villain hides a secret, and sells it as fact, it becomes a cover-up.

d. The audience experience is the cover-up, then the secret.

e. The writing strategy is secret, then cover-up.

Mystery Sequence:

What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?

One cannot call Maximus’ desire to “own” Isabella, love, but whatever it was. Her rejection of him has become an intense hatred that he keeps nursing. Now he wants revenge.

How many ways can they cover that secret? Those become the mysteries.

Isabella’s mother was mentally ill, and Maximus was using that knowledge to blackmail Isabella. Isabella felt her only way out of this situation was to leave Ryan on the pretext of finding herself and her career. Ryan never understood that fully but accepted it. That injury was almost reopened when Silas hit on Isabella – Silas’ boss knows Maximus. In fact, his boss’ firm is a secret subsidiary of Maximus, but Silas knows nothing of this. Maximus’ secret is buried deep.

The first mystery must engage the Hero in solving it.

When things begin to happen in The Valley, both Ryan and Isabella are stumped, but as Isabella begins to weaken, her secrets begin to expose themselves: first, Silas, then her mother’s mental illness, then Maximus.

Ryan is no fool. He is finely able to get inside the mind of Maximus and plan an escape from The Valley they are now trapped in.

Sequence the mysteries so that each one leads us to the next one. Include ONE Red Herring mystery if you can.

a. Select a Red Herring character and give them a hidden reason to feel guilt or to be scheming about something else.

Silas is set up as the perfect Red Herring, by Maximus via the CEO of one of Maximus’ secret subsidiary companies. Silas’ involvement with Isabella proves to be an embarrassment, re: Ryan, to both Isabella and Silas, so they pretend to not know each other.

b. Create a mystery around them — Did they do the real crime?

No. Silas’ encounter with Isabella was accidental but potentially embarrassing to her.

c. Create a trail of clues that leads us to believe they did it.

We already know that there was some sort of incident between Silas and Isabella.

Silas proposes this rather extravagant gift of a honeymoon in The Valley.

Silas takes them there.

Silas boasts of how wonderful The Valley is. He’s been there.

Ryan and Isabella’s experience is quite different – terrifying, in fact.

Silas’ hit on Isabella hints to her, of Maximus (whom she’s quite moved past) and his blackmail scheme years earlier, and she suspects Silas of being dishonest and doing the same thing.

And it all spills out with the focus on Silas, not Maximus.

d. Lead us up to the moment that we are going to bust them.

Ryan has put all his skills to the ultimate test and has saved Isabella and himself from the flames engulfing The Valley. They have reached the lake at the top of the ridge when Silas comes running up to meet them, yelling, “I did not know.”

e. Discovery — They didn¹t do it.

As Silas claims his innocence in what has happened, Maximus flies in and tries to land his helicopter in an already dangerous location. With the firestorm below them causing fierce updrafts, he crashes it but escapes long enough to hurl vindictive threats at Isabella for destroying his valley.

The helicopter explodes, killing Maximus. Silas is off the hook.

f. This either becomes a clue that someone else did it, or it leaves us having to rethink the previous clues pointing in another direction.

Both Silas and Ryan question Silas’ boss’ involvement.

The sullen, but wiser, threesome makes their way back to Silas’ helicopter.

Create a Mystery Chain for each main mystery.

Mystery Chain

Secrets/Mysteries

Bella’s mother had a history of mental illness.

In college, Maximus hits on Ryan’s girlfriend, Bella.

Maximus is not exactly in love with Bella but sees her as an asset to his intended career. He wants to “own” her for his own selfish intentions.

Maximus finds out about Bella’s mother. Uses it as a threat to blackmail Bella.

Bella breaks up with Ryan and drops out of sight to ostensibly pursue her career = a cover-up for everything so Ryan doesn’t find out about her mother. She’s still in love with him.

Years later:

Bella meets Silas, and Silas hits on Bella, but she has already met Ryan, again, and…

She and Ryan decide to resume their relationship = Mystery: Bella’s mother, Bella and Maximus, and Bella and Silas, plus Bella’s continued silence–keep all of this as a secret. Her career claim = the cover-up.

Bella’s mother is now dead, and Bella’s career in art is quite successful.

Ryan and Bella decide to marry.

Ryan and Bella accidentally meet Silas.

Ryan knows Silas and has occasion to introduce Silas to Bella.

Silas and Bella pretend not to know each other = a cover-up for his attempt to seduce her.

Silas represents to Ryan a gift from his firm as something of a quid pro quo for his loyalty to the firm’s products – the use of a company-owned wilderness area valley for his and Bella’s honeymoon.

Silas’ firm is a secret subsidiary of Maximus’ firm, but Silas does not know this. Thus, he can be set up as the perfect Red Herring if anything should go wrong.

The secret is Maximus’ festering anger over having been refused by Bella years before, together with the news of Silas’ interest in Bella, and especially her decision to marry Ryan; Maximus’ mindless anger boils over, and he vows to get even. Maximus is still an infantile genius who throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way.

Via Silas’ boss, Maximus is the one who sets up the honeymoon. The secret is Maximus’ wrath, combined with Silas’ boss’ knowing Maximus, and it is both Silas and Ryan’s innocence that keeps the cover-up looking sincere. Silas and Bella’s secret of not knowing each other further leads them into the trap – but only for just so long before it all starts to unravel, turning Silas into the perfect Red Herring.

During their stay in The Valley, the secrets begin to unravel, one by one, as the cover-ups are exposed – the haunting part in the cabin.

Ryan begins to think that somehow, maybe it is that weird guy back in college doing this, not Silas, and…

Thus, it proves itself out.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: The Villain Has a Great Plan! (intrigue)

What I learned doing this assignment:

1. The Mystery is the Secret being Covered UP and presented (and accepted) as Fact.

2. This leads to the confusion that generates the Suspense (keeps us wondering and worrying), and…

3. Causes everyone to wonder how it will end (the Intrigue). Something bad, dangerous, and underhanded is going on. What is it?

Understanding how the three parts of the M.I.S. work together is everything.

To create your Villain’s plan, answer these four questions:

What is the end goal?

Maximus wants to see Isabella mentally incapacitated (“like your mother”), but he’ll settle for her death.

His plans for Ryan are to get him to leave Isabella, so clearly, his beef is with Isabella, but if Ryan is driven insane or killed, that’s okay, too.

How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?

Maximus is an electronics genius who has worked for years setting up a contained valley where he can deliver a customized Disneyland-like experience but tailored to the individuals or groups going there (“If Disney can do it, I can do it even better”). But it has not yet gone public.

The Valley, in its natural state alone, is magnificent… a sort of Yosemite-like place, but with a more commercial twist to it, like the Camp Curry Entertainment-Fire Fall experience of former years.

Maximus gets a trusted business acquaintance to front a honeymoon experience for the newly married couple, Ryan and Isabella, but what Silas does not know is that he’s being used. All he is told is that it is an anonymous gift to two old friends… a wedding gift.

Silas has been to “The Valley” and is very excited for Ryan and Isabella, for what he has experienced was a completely different kind of experience from what Ryan and Isabella will discover on their visit.

Maximus has reprogrammed everything to accomplish his goal of driving Isabella mad.

How can they [Maximus] cover it up?

Maximus has a soul from Hell. He’s a genius who has let it go to his head since playground days. He’s an egotistical, narcissistic, misogynistic bully. So why Isabella? Bella is as beautiful as she is talented, and Maximus wants to own her to use in his future, imagined empire. But Bella was too smart to fall for it.

The key is Isabella and her family history of mental illness. Ryan never knew why Isabella dumped him, in college, but [after Maximus’ attempt to steal her away from Ryan] it was because she was too embarrassed and fearful of Ryan finding out about her mother and dumping her. She loved Ryan and felt it was easier this way.

Years later, after her mother has died and she has established herself as a self-employed, successful artist, she feels it safe enough to resurrect her former relationship with Ryan. Maximus goes nuts; he is still spying on her.

Maximus knows all about the Lake family’s history of mental illness, so whatever happens, he can be reasonably certain he can damage or destroy the marriage of Ryan and Isabella. He is still ravenously hurt and angry that she turned his proposal down, back in college.

If Isabella loses her mind, well, she has a history. If she dies, how tragic. And it’s pretty much the same for Ryan. They are in a seeming wilderness, after all. So, where’s the evidence he engineered it? He simply reprograms his computer-controlled devices that are held in top secret. On the surface, they seem to be benign.

What he doesn’t plan for, however, is for Ryan to figure out what’s happening.

Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible:<div>

a. Wedding Scenes: With their backs to the guests, and with people entering and leaving the main sanctuary via the front entrance to the church, we see Maximus leave. But as Alfred Hitchcock used to show up somewhere in his movies, it doesn’t register, and we don’t notice. In this movie, the viewer has never seen Maximus, and it won’t register who he is – until the end… maybe.

b. Flight Scenes: Isabella meets Silas for the first time. There is a long flight getting to the mountainous wilderness in which The Valley is located, and the three of them engage each other in conversation on the way. Silas is eager for it to be a complete surprise, so he is cautious about being a spoiler. Isabella is a bit agitated and worried, but Ryan reassures her. He’s used to wilderness settings in his paleontology/geology work.

c. The Adventure Begins: Sialis sets down in a meadow near where the trailhead begins. Sialis wishes them well, lifts off, and disappears. Ryan and Isabella are alone, and Isabella’s fears surface.

d. The Trail In: The trail up to the rim of the valley is moderate, ending at a beautiful lake posted as, Lost Souls Lake. The trail down into The Valley appears foreboding.

e. The Trail Down: The trail down is exposed and scary in places to anyone with a fear of heights, but it’s safe enough. And it is close and claustrophobic, surrounded by huge, dwarfing rocks, in other places. At the bottom, there is a small cabin and a troll-like man with a long beard pops out, blocking the trail, demanding he see their passes. Satisfied, he returns inside his cabin and lets them pass.

f. The Valley: Beyond the gate, a lush green meadow greets them, surrounded by vertical granite walls. A lacy waterfall pours down one of the vertical walls, but as they approach, both are startled by a fierce wind that seems to blow the water into the face of a devil god who warns them of danger. Bella is terrified. Ryan calms her by telling her the legend of POHONO, but Ryan reflects, “How would anyone know about that?”

g. The Cabin in the Woods: Finely crafted but full of suggestive dark secrets – symbols and strange carvings. And The Book.

h. An Evening Walk: There are Mysterious sightings. A mysterious ground fog appears. They become concerned about what might be lurking.

i. A Night in a Haunted Cabin: After dark, “things” begin to happen. Bella is beginning to unravel, but Ryan keeps her together.

j. An Attempt to Leave: Isabella is Injured: At the Gate, the Gatekeeper warns them to stay clear. They are not permitted to leave. Bella tries to rush the gate and is hit with a laser beam. She is rendered unconscious and convulses. Ryan struggles to get her back to the cabin. This is Ryan’s wake-up call. The dangers are real.

k. Another Night in a Haunted Cabin: The “haunting” gets worse. Isabella is slipping. Ryan is scared for her.

l. Ryan Figures it Out: Ryan recites his theory and plan to escape, but they must survive the rest of the night.

m. The Second Attempt to Leave: Ryan’s theory seems true as they are again forbidden to leave by what he suspects is a holographic gatekeeper.

n. Ryan has discovered a Dangerous but Possible Way Out: In the open, Ryan lays out his plan, and Bella is petrified enough to accept it.

o. Ryan sets the Cabin on Fire: Partly as his own revenge against Maximus and partly as cover, Ryan sets the cabin on fire, which reveals a maze of electronics that have caused the haunting. The two of them rush into a secluded couloir to begin their escape. The fire spreads below them as they climb.

p. Ryan and Isabell are Successful, Ending Up at the Lake: The Valley is engulfed in flame, by now.

q. Silas Arrives at the Lake on Foot: Silas apologizes profusely. He did not know.

r. Maximus Arrives: Tries to set his helicopter down by the lake but crashes it.

s. The End: Silas leads the traumatized couple away from the lake, back to the meadow where his helicopter awaits.

The MYSTERY is the rigged Valley.

The RULE = The coverup presented as reality up front.

Ryan and Isabella think they’re getting a wedding gift from a friend in a beautiful wilderness setting. They accept this as fact, but it is a cover for Maximus’ revenge.

As the Mystery deepens and the Suspense (what’s happening) escalates, enhanced by their being trapped, Ryan figures it out. BUT…

The Intrigue also escalates as they try to figure it out and fight their way out of The Valley via Ryan’s insights and skills – will they make it?

The newly married couple are severely rattled, but alive.

</div>

[Alfred Dunham]

This is the re-post of Assignment 2

Alfred Dunham: SOTL Stacking Suspense

ASSIGNMENT 2:

What I learned doing this assignment:

I. This film is harder to get at, as the actions are more psychiatric than physical, even though the physical component is vented in some of the grossest of ways. They (the actions) stem more from a disturbed mental state than from the easier-to-see things like greed or fear or anger or even disgust. However, these also stem from altered mental states distinctly related to the grosser forms found in this story. Bill’s hatred becomes internalized, and Hannibal nails it – it’s often coveting what is not “yours” or what one cannot do. The writer can easily play up almost anything to create M.I.S., And a little fantasy doesn’t hurt the story. If you have tomatoes in your backyard, it is probably full of hornworms! The moths in the movie wore tiny jackets with skulls painted on them.

Stacking Suspense Chart – The Chart would not Post.

This is the information removed from the Chart Form

SCENE 1: Logon, Main Title/Intro

ACTION: Clarice is seen jogging through a wooded area with military-type obstacles. The logon reads Quantico, VA – that’s FBI – music is somewhat ominous and suggestive.

MYSTERY: Where is she, exactly? Why is she jogging alone? Going up and over hurdles… FBI training?

INTREGUE: Does Clarice have the “right stuff?” – Her qualifications are outlined.

SUSPENSE: Lone joggers can be in grave danger

CHARACTER: Clarice: Who is she, what is she up to, is something bad about to happen? She appears smart and well-liked

STAKES: Her career

SCENE 2: An Interesting Errand

ACTION: Clarice is called into Jack Crawford’s office

MYSTERY: What’s up?

INTREGUE: She has been picked to get information out of Hannibal the Cannibal. The rules….

SUSPENSE: Posted pictures of “Buffalo Bill’s” handiwork on the bulletin board.

CHARACTER: Clarice: Who is she, what is she up to, is something bad about to happen

STAKES: Her career, her life

SCENE 3: Don’t Touch the Glass

ACTION: Clarice is led into a prison dungeon, underground

Dr. Chilton brags, half-hits on Clarice.

MYSTERY: Hannibal is a psychopathic cannibalistic killer, yes, but what else? He sniffs the air, tells Clarice what sort of body lotion she uses, is angry with

Dr. Chilton seems self-absorbed. Refers to Hannibal as his prized asset.

INTREGUE: He’s housed in a dungeon with other similar men. He asks personal questions.

SUSPENSE: He yells at her for only being a trainee… then relents

CHARACTER: Clarice – shows fear and uncertainty but does not fold…. She stands up to Hannibal

Hannibal – seems downright cool and civil… until the questions…. He loses his temper

STAKES: Clarice –Her life, her psyche

Dr. Chilton – his career

Hannibal – his reputation – he has quite an ego

SCENE 4: “Closer”

ACTION: Clarice moves closer to the glass but does not touch it, as instructed. Flashback as a child with her police father is later told that Miggs is dead (apparently by Hannibal for insulting Clarice.

MYSTERY: What is Hannibal up to? Nothing gets past him. Figures Clarice is a student from her badge.

INTREGUE: Hannibal is toying with Clarice, seeing how far he can push her. She suggests maybe he’s afraid, and he comes back with his tale of “eating his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

SUSPENSE: Will Clarice “stumble” on some technicality? She’s intelligent, open, and business-like. He sends her back to school but calls her back to suggest (shouting) that she look up Mr. Mofet

CHARACTER: She does show fear but also caution and discipline. Outside the facility, she cries.

STAKES: being taken in – career, her life is in danger… like Miggs?

SCENE 5: Your Self Storage

ACTION: Breaks into the old storage with a car jack. Gives Mr. Hester Mofet a card with a number to call if she gets trapped. She researches Hannibal on microfilm. Returns to Hannibal with more questions.

MYSTERY: All sorts of odd junk, but especially an old limousine, covered with an American flag, with a headless mannequin inside. Also, a head in a jar is found.

INTREGUE: .

SUSPENSE: What’s this got to do with Buffalo Bill?

CHARACTER: Buffalo Bill is neither gay nor a transvestite. He simply hates himself. He is trying to transform.

STAKES: Absolutely nothing gets past Hannibal, and he seems attracted to Clarice. Not good.

SCENE 6: Hannibal’s Helping Head

ACTION: He gives her a towel for her wet hair and asks about her bleeding finger, scratched on the Storage door.

MYSTERY: How does he know about so much? Clarice’s cut finger.

INTREGUE: A head in a jar. Why? Hannibal confronts Clarice with Jack Crawford’s motives, and she rejects it, suggesting that Hannibal sounds more like Miggs.

SUSPENSE: “I’ll help you find Buffalo Bill if… “ + conditions

CHARACTER: Hannibal seems jealous of Crawford, hates Dr. Chilton

STAKES: She gets Hannibal to back off and help. The discovery of who Bill is.

SCENE 7: Help from a Size 14

ACTION: A young woman drives down a road at night singing. Happy

MYSTERY: She is watched through night vision goggles, and we don’t know who.

INTREGUE: A man is trying to load a big chair into a van. The young woman offers to help.

SUSPENSE: he coaxes her inside the van to pull the chair in, jumps in, and kills her. A young woman shows up in the river three days later.

CHARACTER: The girl is Frederica Brimwell. We find this out later

STAKES: Death

SCENE 8: Girl from the River

ACTION: Clarice is in the morgue in a tiny town

MYSTERY: Clarice lists her findings and discovers a moth cocoon down the girl’s throat.

INTREGUE: What is it? Where did it come from? Why is it there?

SUSPENSE: Clarice goes through her examination of the corpse

CHARACTER: Gutsy young woman!

STAKES: More killings can be expected

SCENE 9: A Little Privacy

ACTION: Jack leads the sheriff into a side room to discuss the sexual part of the crime

MYSTERY: Clarice gets side-tracked by a funeral going on

INTRIGUE: The young police guys can’t take their eyes off Clarice – the chrysalis in her throat

SUSPENSE: Examination of the body of the dead girl

CHARACTER: Bill: Clarice is beginning to understand what Hannibal has told her about Bill

STAKES: Bill seems to think he is doing them a favor – more death

SCENE 10: Signs of Bill

ACTION: The M.O. is Bill’s. Clarice returns to talk to Hannibal, and Dr. Chilton gets furious.

MYSTERY: The “star-shaped cuts,” bound hands but not feet, etc.

INTREGUE: What is he doing with the skin?

SUSPENSE: Dr. Chilton listens in on the conversation, records it

CHARACTER: Chilton is being very unprofessional

STAKES: Chilton is covetous of Hannibal’s insights, fears for his career

SCENE 11: Moth Men

ACTION: Clarice goes to a museum. For an ID. of the cocoon/chrysalis

MYSTERY: Why down the girl’s throat? Bill loves the moths. It’s symbolic

INTRIGUE: Museum – the cocoon is identified as an Asian hornworm moth

SUSPENSE: The mythology associated with this moth species

CHARACTER:

STAKES:

SCENE 12: A Senator’s Plea

ACTION: T.V. – Senator Ruth Martin pleads for her daughter’s life, but she is very smart about it.

MYSTERY:

INTREGUE: Ruth presents he daughter as a person, not a thing.

SUSPENSE: Will Bill listen?

CHARACTER: Bill seems to understand something, even if it is deranged

STAKES: Catherine’s life

SCENE 13: Quid Pro Quo

ACTION: The back-and-forth reveals are dangerous – Hannibal is attempting to get into Clarices’ head, but settles for Quid Pro Quo.

MYSTERY: Hannibal gets Clarice to reveal her worst memory

INTRIGUE: Hannibal explains the meaning of the moth, to Bill – metamorphosis – change

SUSPENSE: Each round of reveals is met with a “Will it continue?” Quid Pro Quo!

CHARATER: Catherine has faults, but she is NOT an object.

STAKES: Catherine’s life is on the line, now. Will she be the lamb that is saved?

SCENE 14: Lotion in the Basket

ACTION: Bill demands Catherine put her lotion in the bucket and threatens her dog

MYSTERY: Why is he so intent on getting the lotion?

INTREGUE: What’s he going to do with it?

SUSPENSE: She’s about to fall apart

CHARACTER: Bill tries to be female-like in his mimicked caterwauling

STAKES: Catherine goes to pieces and wants her mommy.

SCENE 15: A Deal for Dr. Chilton

ACTION: Clarice presents Hannibal with a deal. He wants more.

MYSTERY:

INTRIGUE: Dr. Chilton listens in on the conversation, and is angry some senator is offering him a deal –

SUSPENSE: Chilton is losing it

CHARACTER: Chilton is a shallow man

STAKES: Dr. Chilton is about to lose his only claim to fame.

SCENE 16: Muzzled for the Senator

ACTION: Dr. Chilton has Hannibal in a wire mask that is crushing his nose. He then threatens that there will be no Island deal.

MYSTERY: Dr. Chilton transfers Hannibal out of state, bound and masked.

INTREGUE: Hannibal and Ruth sign a deal.

SUSPENSE: A pen gets passed around, Hannibal makes sexual remarks to Ruth, and there is a bit of a scuffle

CHARACTER: Hannibal is playing a shell game

STAKES: Hannibal’s freedom, Catherine’s freedom, Clarice’s career

SCENE 17: The Screaming Lambs

ACTION: Boyle allows Clarice’s visit, and Clarice takes us down a personal memory lane – her attempt to save the innocent lamb/Catherine. Dr. Chilton hauls Clarice off, then offers her information to the press as his.

MYSTERY: Her inner strength is being revealed… but what is it? Where is it?

INTRIGUE: She failed to save the one lamb – in what way is this driving her to save Catherine? We see a drawing of Clarice holding a lamb.

SUSPENSE: Is Hannibal now in her head, or will she deal with it… and him?

CHARACTER: Clarice – her reveal is unsettling; how will this interfere with her investigation

Hannibal – his skill of manipulation, what is he planning? Will he be able to own her?

STAKES: Information that can lead to Catherine’s release, the riddance of screaming lambs in Clarice’s head – Hannibal seems to be on Clarice’s side (hopeful???)

SCENE 18: His Second Meal

ACTION: Hannibal palms a small piece of metal (from the pen?)

MYSTERY: cuffing Hannibal to the bars of his cage

INTREGUE: Is the piece of metal in his mouth part of the pen he sees in Dr. Chilton’s pocket?

SUSPENSE: The police get careless. Will he get loose? Tiny slip-ups

CHARATER: Hannibal’s intelligence and resourcefulness are underscored.

STAKES: Hannibal’s freedom, the death of the officers

SCENE 19: “Lecter’s Missing”

ACTION: Hannibal frees his hands from the cuffs with the piece of metal; he cuffs one officer to the bars, and incapacitates the second officer. From the lobby, the elevator goes up and down.

MYSTERY: Who is using the elevator?

INTREGUE: Is it Hannibal?

SUSPENSE: They search the third floor, and discover the officers… one is hoisted spread eagle, sliced open, and the other is beaten to a pulp.

CHARACTER:

STAKES: Hannibal’s freedom

SCENE 20: Pembry’s Ambulance

ACTION: The beaten officer, still alive, is placed in an ambulance – and it drives off – but it isn’t the officer, it’s Hannibal

MYSTERY: How did he do this?

INTRIGUE: Hannibal thinks on multiple levels, never gets upset (except for effect), never misses anything, and now he makes his move to escape.

SUSPENSE: So, whose blood is dripping from the roof of the elevator? Hannibal has switched clothes with one officer, strung up the other officer, put the other in his clothes, and on the roof of the elevator, disfigured himself enough so he is not recognized and is carried out on the ambulance gurney.

CHARACTER:

STAKES: Hannibal’s escape

SCENE 21: What Do We Covet?

ACTION: Clarice gets the name of the murdered girl, Frederica Brimwell, races to her home, and meets the father, who lets her examine the girl’s room.

MYSTERY: “We covet what we see.” Clarice figures it out.

INTREGUE: Clues in the girl’s room. Sewing equipment, a dress with tailoring marks on it, a window view. He knew his victim.

SUSPENSE: She knows where Bill is.

CHARACTER: Clarice is smart

STAKES: Catherine’s life

SCENE 22: The Tailor You Know

ACTION: Clarice goes through things,

MYSTERY: What was she like?

INTRIGUE: Books, clothes, butterfly wallpaper, sewing/tailoring, a music box with hidden pictures

SUSPENSE: The pictures are of the girl in her underwear; there is a window nearby; Bill could see her, coveting her skin. Will Catherine be next?

CHARACTER: The girl was a normal girl admiring her body – wishing/wondering? She seemed a nice person.

STAKES: Catherine’s safety

SCENE 23: A Treat for Precious

ACTION: Bill sews and struts his “stuff.”

MYSTERY: He promises a treat for the dog.

INTREGUE: Will the treat be a piece of Catherine?

SUSPENSE: Catherine pleads to get out of the well

CHARACTER: Catherine goes from a cowering infant to a sassy, vulgar, and combative girl.

STAKES: Catherine’s life.

SCENE 24: “Sewing Was Her Life”

ACTION: Clarice knocks on the door and is let in.

MYSTERY: Who was Mrs. Lippman?

INTRIGUE: The man (Bill), asked if he took the house over after she died.

SUSPENSE: Clarice is stalling for time, waiting for the FBI. Scenes get rapid

CHARACTER: She’s worried about Catherine

STAKES: Both she and Catherine are in mortal danger

SCENE 25: A Raid in Illinois

ACTION: Planes fly into Illinois and land. They are in communication with Clarice. The Lippman house is surrounded.

MYSTERY: Did they get there in time?

INTREGUE: Where is Clarice – what do they do?

SUSPENSE: Each step is dangerous. Scenes are intercut to add suspense and action.

CHARACTER: Bill is aware and clever despite what else he is

STAKES: Will Catherine get rescued?

SCENE 26: Mrs. Lippman’s House

ACTION: Clarice is let into the Lippman house by Bill. She lived to sew. Bill gets suspicious.

MYSTERY: Where is Catherine?

INTRIGUE: The house is a maze of rooms, doors, passages

SUSPENSE: Awkward conversation. Clarice gets the drop on Bill, but he escapes.

CHARACTER: He’s cagey

STAKES: The lives of both Clarice and Catherine. Also, Bill’s, now.

SCENE 27: Sniper in the Dark

ACTION: Bill stalks Clarice in the dark using night vision equipment; she hears the gun click; and she shoots at the sound. Bill is killed.

MYSTERY: The house is a filthy maze of doors and passageways – she seems lost

INTREGUE: Why is he doing this? We hear the gun cock

SUSPENSE: Will this be the end of Clarice?

CHARACTER: Bill is a voyeur, so he must be getting a thrill out of the stalking

STAKES: Death or worse for Catherine – she’s saved

The screaming lambs will still be in Clarice’s head—they are apparently gone.

SCENE 28: Dinner Date/Credits

ACTION: Clarice graduates and gets a call from Hannibal – short – congratulating her

MYSTERY: He seems to be on some Caribbean Island.

INTREGUE: “I’m having an old friend over for dinner.”

SUSPENSE: We see Dr. Chilton getting off a plane. We see a disguised Hannibal walking away, down a street.

CHARACTER: Hannibal is still Hannibal, and he hates Chilton

STAKES: The end of Dr. Chilton?

[Alfred Dunham]

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The Chart I did is not posting. Looks like I’ll have to un-chart the information

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: SOTL Stacking Suspense

ASSIGNMENT 2:

What I learned doing this assignment:

I. This film is harder to get at, as the actions are more psychiatric than physical, even though the physical component is vented in some of the grossest of ways. They (the actions) stem more from a disturbed mental state than from the easier-to-see things like greed or fear or anger or even disgust. However, these also stem from altered mental states distinctly related to the grosser forms found in this story. Bill’s hatred becomes internalized, and Hannibal nails it – it’s often coveting what is not “yours” or what one cannot do. The writer can easily play up almost anything to create M.I.S., And a little fantasy doesn’t hurt the story. If you have tomatoes in your backyard, they are probably full of hornworms! The moths in the movie wore tiny jackets with skulls painted on them.

Stacking Suspense Chart

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: BI Stacking Suspense

ASSIGNMENT 1:

What I learned doing this assignment:

I. Definitions for the categories for the Stacking Suspense Chart of scenes:

1. Action: Essence of what happens that may need a solution

2. Mystery: Obscure, ambiguous, cryptic, undefined

3. Intrigue: Something devious, covert, concealed, etc.

4. Suspense: Danger, worry that something bad will happen

5. Character: With the MIS of that character

6. Stakes: What is at stake, risk, and dangerous?

II. I noticed a progression of devices used, so I made up my own more generalized list of devices:

1. Actions where the character(s) are not revealed (Mystery)

2. Actions that point to a possible bad (or perhaps good) outcome (Intrigue)

3. Actions that suggest something is about to happen (Suspense)

4. MIS Character traits (MIS), like lying, generalizing, avoidance, tics, etc.

5. Objects or actions to suggest high levels of meanness or brutality, etc.

6. Discussions, especially in whispered tones.

7. Personal problems of a Character, like addictions, unusual behavior, etc.

8. Manipulative behaviors (especially)

9. Discovery, by many different methods, of evidence that may be relevant

10. Objects of suggestive value, ice picks, scarves, ropes, wire, guns, knives, etc.

11. Blame suggests the Character has something to hide

12. Test results – medical, forensic, psychological, etc.

13. Unusual levels of visible violence or violent ideology

14. Hidden relationships that become revealed, including hidden identity.

15. Clustered opinions, i.e., all the neighbors note certain questionable behaviors

16. Threats that raise the stakes, such as prison, career, being murdered, loss

17. Warnings – same as threats

18. Money received or lost, especially in large amounts

19. Jealousy displayed (especially when it is trying to be kept secret)

20. Pictures from hidden cameras or from security cameras

And for other movies, there are probably even more devices to add to the list.

These are the repeated devices used throughout this movie. Presented in slightly different ways, the possibilities become exponential, so there is little likelihood or necessity for any Scene to be quite like any other scene if done right.

Cliches one should be wary of — Chases (especially cars), smoking, drinking, drugs, sex – these can be boring and a waste of good film footage. I’ve been watching some old B&W films that are half used up with lighting up, blowing smoke, and gulping booze. That is off-putting after a while.

III. Stacking Suspense Chart

Scene 1:

1. Mystery — We don’t see the face of the killer

2. Intrigue — Killer hides the murder weapon —

3. Suspense — The hand reaching for the hidden weapon

4. Character – The killer is manipulative and without a conscience

5. Stakes — Brutality

Scene 2:

1. Mystery — We don’t know who the murdered guy is, or who did it

2. Mystery — The guy’s girlfriend becomes a suspect – is she?

3. Suspense – Mayo’s office wants no mistakes – why?

4. Character –Nick is a problem

Scene 3:

1. Mystery – What is the Roxy/Catherine relationship?

2. Intrigue – Gus and Nick mistake Roxy for Catherine and she allows it and claims Catherine’s innocence – why?

3. Character: — Roxy is mysterious, sexy, intriguing

Scene 4:

1. Character MIS – Roxy’s behavior patterns – sexy, mysterious, intriguing

Scene 5:

1. Mystery: — What is Nick’s medical problem

Scene 6:

1. Mystery: — We’re still wondering if Catherin did it.

2. Intrigue: — Catherine published a Thriller about a rock star who got murdered by his girlfriend – is this just a coincidence, or not?

3. Catherine’s profile – Psych. Major, inherited 1 Million dollars when her parents were killed, and she was engaged to a boxer who died – what does this all mean?

Scene 7:

1. Action: — Nick reads Catherine’s book and calls Gus – Why?

ETC.

IV. Looking ahead at my own developing script, in the context of the scenario, here’s how psychological horror elements might be incorporated into my script:

1. Uncertainty and Ambiguity: The couple’s disorientation in the fog, the malfunctioning GPS devices, and the mysterious symbols in the cabin create an atmosphere of uncertainty. The audience is left guessing what’s real and what’s imagined, much like the characters.

2. Isolation and Paranoia: The couple’s isolation in the wilderness contributes to their growing sense of paranoia. They can’t trust their senses or the environment around them, heightening their fear of the unknown.

3. Hallucinations and Illusions: The characters might experience hallucinations or illusions triggered by their fear and stress. These illusions could distort their perceptions, leading them to question their own sanity and the reality of their situation.

4. Dread and Tension: The buildup of tension through eerie sounds, glimpses of shadowy figures, and the feeling of being watched can evoke a constant sense of dread. The audience anticipates something terrifying without knowing exactly what it is.

5. Emotional Strain: The situation tests the characters’ emotional stability, causing them to question each other’s intentions, sanity, and even their love. This emotional strain adds layers of complexity to their journey.

6. Unresolved Mystery: The diary and symbols in the cabin introduce an element of mystery that the characters need to unravel. Unanswered questions and a sense of the unknown contribute to the psychological horror.

7. Internal Conflicts: The characters’ internal conflicts—facing their own fears, guilts, and doubts—can be as terrifying as the external threats they encounter.

8. Lack of Control: The characters’ inability to control their environment or predict what will happen next amplifies their vulnerability and fear.

V. Looking ahead at my own developing script, since it will largely be a psychic thriller, I made a list of sounds that can help set the mood:

1. Whispers and Murmurs: Hearing hushed, unintelligible whispers just out of earshot can be incredibly unsettling. It suggests the presence of unseen entities or hidden intentions.

2. Footsteps and Rustling: The sound of footsteps approaching, receding, or rustling in the underbrush can evoke the fear of being pursued or watched.

3. Distant Screams: Distant screams that carry on the wind can create an air of helplessness and suggest that there might be others in danger.

4. Breathing or Hissing: Faint breathing or hissing sounds can evoke a feeling of being near something unseen and potentially dangerous.

5. Creaks and Groans: Unexplained creaking and groaning sounds, as if coming from the surroundings, can make the environment feel alive and unpredictable.

6. Eerie Music or Melodies: Haunting or discordant melodies can manipulate emotions and intensify the sense of dread, creating an eerie ambiance.

7. Heartbeat or Pulsing: A faint, irregular heartbeat or pulsing sound can amplify tension and anxiety, mimicking the characters’ racing hearts.

8. Scratching or Clawing: The sound of scratching, scraping, or clawing against surfaces can suggest the presence of something trying to get in or out.

9. Chains or Dragging: The metallic clinking of chains or the dragging of heavy objects can evoke images of captivity or an ominous force.

10. Animal Calls: Sounds of animals in distress, such as frantic howling, growling, or distressed animal cries, can trigger a primal fear response.

11. Unexplained Echoes: Voices, laughter, or other sounds echoing in the distance can create confusion and an eerie sense of the unknown.

12. Sudden Silence: An abrupt cessation of all sounds can be as terrifying as loud noises, as it heightens the sense of anticipation and vulnerability.

13. Guttural Growls: Deep, guttural growls can evoke the fear of predatory animals or otherworldly creatures lurking nearby.

14. Static or Interference: Hearing static, interference, or distorted voices on communication devices can add a technological layer of unease.

15. Childlike Laughter: Hearing eerie, childlike laughter in unsettling contexts can trigger a fear of the supernatural or the uncanny.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: World and Characters

What I learned doing this assignment:

Having all this stuff in mind before starting to write is not only helpful, but imperative. In a layered story, like a Thriller, it’s way too easy to get mixed up and confused. There is a LOT happening, and it had better happen in the right places or it won’t make sense, or thrill. Just setting this up was a nightmare.

CONCEPT AND BIG M.I.S.

CONCEPT

Once classmates in college, two young men, one a paleontologist student and one a physics student, clash over the woman they are both interested in. They all go their separate ways, however, and years later, the more mature woman (an established artist, now) chooses to marry the paleontologist. The former genius physics student now owns his own high-tech robotics/electronics firm, and although the other two have all but forgotten him, he has not forgotten them. As he remembers it, the insult of having his marriage proposal turned down was incendiary. With her marriage to his rival, he vows to get even [shades of Clifton Webb as Waldo Lydecker in the 1944 film-noir, Laura]. [MOVIE BEGINS HERE] He wants to psychologically torture them to death.

BIG M.I.S.

Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story?

Who is out to brutally kill or drive Ryan & Isabella mad, and why?

Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie?

Whoever or whatever is doing this to Ryan seems happy enough to destroy Isabella, too, if it serves their purpose, and they seem to want it to hurt – badly.

Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script?

Is Ryan and/or Isabella going to be killed, or simply driven mad by the ordeal?

INTRIGUING WORLD

We are taken inside the conflicted mind of a very disturbed man who on the one hand has an exquisite appreciation of beauty and cohesion, yet can also entertain the most profoundly ugly, revolting, visions of punishment for the one thing, the one person, he professes to love most. Maximus Blackwood’s Valley is a physical rendition of what’s in his head – his concept of a nightmare in Heaven.

CHARACTERS

Main Character/Protagonist/Hero – The Husband – A Paleontologist

Ryan (Rocky) Stone

A. What is the mystery of this character?

Ryan has become something of a loner. Why Bella, now? What happened between he and Bella – the time frame between college and now?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Ryan is in an almost impossible situation. New wife, unanswered questions, alien world… how will he handle it?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

Will he and Bella figure it out in time? How will this impact their marriage if they do make it?

Antagonist – Villain

Maximus (Megabyte) Blackwood

A. What is the mystery of this character?

What is wrong with his mind? Is this something Bella saw when she turned him down? What is he thinking now?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Exactly how far is Maximus willing to take his felt need for revenge?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

What is going to happen to him in the end?

Contagonist – The Red Herring

Silas Locke

A. What is the mystery of this character?

Who is this person that Ryan has come to trust?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Why is he doing this?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

Will Silas ever come to realize what he’s done and try to correct it?

Influence Character/Guardian – The Wife who is paired with the Husband

Isabella (Bella) Lake

A. What is the mystery of this character?

What is going on in Bella’s mind as this story unravels? Her part in it?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Will Ryan live up to her expectations? Did she choose well, or…?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

Will Bella be strong enough to get through this ordeal?

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Big M.I.S.

What I learned in this lesson.

1. Double-check your title. Chances are, it’s already been used.

2. It’s beyond important to get all this straight BEFORE I start writing. Flirting with my muse will most likely cause unimaginable frustration and wasted time and effort.

3. Don’t try to be kind to your characters. They’re supposed to suffer!

Working Title:

“Evil on the Loose”

Logline

Two lovers marry, but during their honeymoon in wilderness hell, something or someone seems to want them driven insane… or dead.

1. What are the conventions of your story?

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero:

Ryan (Rocky) Stone

Dangerous Villain:

Maximus (Megabyte) Blackwood

High stakes:

If Ryan and/or Isabella stay in the mysterious valley, it appears that they might be driven mad, or even killed, but when they try to escape, they can’t.

What is Silas Locke’s part in this fiasco? He is, after all, the one who recommended this place and flew them in. Why is he doing this, or is he just a Red Herring?

Life and death situations:

Clearly, whoever or whatever it is that is doing this to them doesn’t seem to care who she/he/it hurts.

This story is thrilling because?

You never know what’s going to happen next, or why.

2. Tell us the Big M.I. S. of your story

Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering throughout the story?

Who is out to brutally kill or drive Rocky & Isabella mad, and why?

Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the surface for most of the movie?

Whoever or whatever is doing this to Rocky seems happy enough to destroy Isabella, too, if it serves their/its purpose, and they/it seems to want it to hurt – badly.

Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate throughout the script?

Is Ryan and/or Isabella going to be killed or simply driven mad by the ordeal?

[Alfred Dunham]

Confidentiality Agreement

Hi everyone,

As we go forward with the class, we need everyone here to acknowledge their agreement to the Group Confidentiality form. The purpose here is to protect yourself, each other and to make this a safe environment where you’ll be able to work on the most marketable concept you have without worry.

The release form does all of those things and it also makes whatever we work on in this class confidential. Once everyone has acknowledged their agreement on the forums, we’ll have a safe environment where we can all focus on our writing, instead of worrying about protection.

This Group Confidentiality Agreement covers the entire class.

I highly recommend that you agree to this confidentiality agreement so you can participate in all the group feedback.

Remember, the more you interact with this group, the stronger your relationships will be after the class is concluded. Those relationships can translate into career success, so they are valuable to cultivate.

See you then,

Hal

Below is the release form. You have one of two choices here:

AGREE, in which case, you Reply to this topic and include three things at the top of the page:

1. Alfred Dunham

2. I agree to the terms of this release form.

3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.

OR

NOT AGREE, in which case, you hit “Reply to this topic” and type in the words “I’ll do the class privately.”

If you agree to the terms of the release form, then you can post your assignments into the group and your cohort can give feedback on them.

Also, if you don’t agree to this group confidentiality agreement, you’ll still need to sign an agreement that says you will keep the strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: Silence of the Lambs, Thriller conventions

What I learned doing this assignment:

I learned the Thriller Genre conventions and the Big M.I.S. – what they are and what they mean.

The Story Conventions:

1. Unwitting but Resourceful Hero?

Clarice Starling

2. Dangerous Villain?

Buffalo Bill

Hannibal Lecter

3. High Stakes?

Buffalo is a serial killer who skins his female victims

Hannibal {the cannibal] Lecter wants out of confinement to continue his killings

4. Life and Death Situations?

Death to other unsuspecting women because of Buffalo Bill

Death to others by Hannibal, should he escape

Death to Clarice by either man

5. This movie is thrilling because?

We don’t know who Buffalo Bill really is, and…

…He almost kills Clarice, at the end of the movie

Hannibal does manage to escape

The Big M.I.S. — What is:

1. The Big Mystery?

Who and where is Buffalo Bill?

Why is he killing and skinning young women?

2. The Big Intrigue?

Will Clarice figure out who he is, in time?

Will Hannibal be a help or a liability?

Will Hannibal get inside Clarice’s head and endanger her?

3. The Big Suspense?

Will Bill’s current victim be killed before Clarice finds Bill?

Will Clarice be harmed in the process of finding her?

[Alfred Dunham]

Hi everyone,

I’m glad you’ve joined us for the class.

To start the class out, please introduce yourself below. That will give you a chance to be part of this group and learn how the forums work.

Tell us the following:

1. I’m Alfred Dunham

2. I’ve written six scripts, and I’m working on seven and eight.

3. I especially like this Genre and hope to write something I can sell. Quarterfinalist is not good enough.

4. I’m a retired molecular geneticist/teacher, a retired dentist/teacher, and I’m an inductee into the American Model Yachting Association’s Hall of Fame [I was Editor of Model Yachting for eight years]. I partially grew up in Yosemite National Park and graduated from the Yosemite Grammer School (which is probably why some of my scripts are centered in wilderness settings).

We look forward to working with you all!

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Cycle 6 – Final Draft

LOGLINE: An immigrant woman is in serious danger, but an aging physician is hellbent on freeing her from her fate worse than death, putting his own life on the line.

ESSENCE: Through selflessness, Marcus proves his love for Carley.

SCENE:

INT. THE BEACHFRONT CAFÉ – DAY

The front door is still locked and posted – still closed, one week later.

MARCUS DUNN, M.D., (68) is a semi-retired surgeon who lost his wife to cancer. Now, all the things they planned for… gone. She’s dead, and he’s at war with himself for all the things put off for his career. Now, maybe he can have a second chance to get it right.

CARLEY REGIS [her American name], (49), entered into a sham marriage arrangement to get to America with her daughter, but now she’s stuck — and both are in even more serious danger.

SARAH REGIS, (18), is Carley’s daughter, who desperately wants to go to Law School but cannot find the funding or the time. As her mother, she’s illegal. Not understanding the situation, she’s been hard on Carley.

IAN (BUBBA) MACK, (55), is Carley’s boss and sham husband. He is in prison for stabbing Marcus.

Carley and Marcus sit in one of the café’s booths and argue; both of their worlds are in consummate disarray. Marcus is determined to fix them, but Carley has her doubts and does not want to see him hurt.

CARLEY

No, Marcus. I got myself into this mess and I’ll deal with it. I’m not going to drag you down too. I can do this.

MARCUS

Damn it, Carley, what about Sarah. I’m an old man – I’m expendable —

CARLEY

(shouting)

No, you’re not. –

MARCUS

You’ve made it this far; what is Bubba hiding in that backroom that you’re so afraid of?

CARLEY

I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. He said if ever went in there, Sarah would be dead.

Carley puts a hand over her forehead and seems to swoon.

MARCUS

Are you okay?

There’s a knock at the café door.

SARAH

I’ll get it.

Sarah rushes to the door and swings it open —

ELIAS KROGER, (43), is Ian’s attorney. He’s returned.

SARAH

Are you Mister Kroger?

ELIAS

I am.

SARAH

I’m Sarah, Carley’s daughter. My mom and Doctor Dunn are both down here —

She motions and leads Mister Kroger to the café booth occupied by Marcus and Carley.

Carley scoots over to make room for Mister Kroger.

Mister Kroger slides in with his familiar satchel —

MISTER KROGER

How are you doing, Doctor?

MARCUS

Better. Just happy to be alive. A stabbing is no fun.

MISTER KROGER

Well, good news and bad. Ian still refuses your generous offer.

MARCUS

Why? That doesn’t make sense. He’d be free again if he’d just take some anger management classes and let Carley share in the business.

MISTER KROGER

No, it doesn’t. He’s facing twenty-five years for what he did.

MARCUS

And he still wants this place shut down?

MISTER KROGER

Seems so… And he wants Carley out of here.

MARCUS

Why is this place so sacred to him?

MISTER KROGER

That’s the puzzle. Maybe something outside prison is more scarry to him than anything inside.

MARCUS

Interesting. There’s something I want you to see – then, you decide —

(to Sarah)

Can you show Mister Kroger that bolted down the backroom door?

SARAH

Certainly.

CARLEY

Sarah, no. Don’t you go near that place.

Ignoring her mother’s pleas, Sarah leads Mister Kroger away from the dining area.

LATER

Mister Kroger and Sarah return.

MISTER KROGER

That’s bizarre.

MARCUS

It certainly is. He has Carley terrified of even going near it. She’d do almost anything to keep us away if she could.

Mister Kroger looks at Carley, but she looks away, stifling the urge to cry – Puts on her determined, tough-girl face instead.

MARCUS

See? It’s how he continues to control her.

SARAH

This is creepy. I didn’t know, Mom. I’m sorry I sided with Bubba.

CARLEY

It’s okay – as long as you’re safe.

MARCUS

Is she Carley? What’s he hiding in there? What’s he up to?

MISTER KROGER

Ian no longer legally owns this place, Marcus. The bank has already foreclosed on him —

MARCUS

And they’re looking for a buyer?

MISTER KROGER

Probably. I’ll look into that and try to get permission to open that room.

MARCUS

I have a better idea. I need a phone.

Sarah brings Marcus a phone.

Marcus dials —

INTERCUT — TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

MARCUS

This is Doctor Marcus Dunn —

BANK RECEPTION

Hi, Marcus. What can we do for you?

MARCUS

I’d like to speak to someone about The Beachfront Café account.

BANK RECEPTION

One moment while I connect you with Mister Black.

(pause)

MISTER BLACK

Hi, Doc. In what way are you interested in that derelict café?

MARCUS

I’d like to acquire the property.

MISTER BLACK

What on earth for? Are you sure about this?

MARCUS

I have my reasons. Can I assume the loan, or —

MISTER BLACK

We’d prefer a purchase.

MARCUS

Even better. Just transfer the funds from my holdings.

MISTER BLACK

Done.

MARCUS

I’ll be in to sign the papers in an hour or two.

MISTER BLACK

Good. See you then.

END OF TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

MARCUS

(to Mister Kroger)

Get the F-B-I down here, and open that room.

MISTER KROGER

With pleasure.

CARLEY

No. Please don’t do this.

MARCUS

I’m sorry, Carley, but it needs to be done. Bubba’s gone too far.

LATER

Marcus has returned from the bank with papers in hand, along with Mister Kroger and two F-B-I agents.

BACKROOM HALLWAY

MARCUS

The room’s door is a madman’s idea of security.

(to the lead F-B-I agent.

I own this place now, so break the damned door down.

The F-B-I agents make short work of breaking the door down.

The room is empty. Nothing. A cursory search reveals no clues.

F-B-I AGENT

We’ll get an inspection team down here immediately. This is just an obvious distraction. Whatever he’s hiding has got to be big, and trust me, it’s here.

MARCUS

Are you familiar with Poe’s, The Purloined Letter?

F-B-I AGENT

(laughs)

We’re probably looking right at it. It’s here. Count on it.

Everyone returns to the —

DINING AREA

The F-B-I agents leave.

MISTER KROGER

There is also some good news, remember.

MARCUS

Like what –?

MISTER KROGER

Ian’s sham marriage to Carley has been annulled. That part was easy. The judge was disgusted by it.

Carley’s tears flow freely —

MARCUS

Carley? Will you –?

CARLEY

(interrupting)

Of course, I will. I love you more than ever. I’m sorry for having ever doubting you.

Marcus and Carley almost violently embrace each other and kiss.

Sarah cries, too, with laughter.

MISTER KROGER

If the F-B-I finds what I think they will, I’m sure Immigration will drop this whole matter.

Carley hugs Mister Kroger.

CARLEY

Thank you, Elias.

Mister Kroger seems dumbfounded – smiles.

MISTER KROGER

I’m going to leave the rest of this in the capable hands of the investigation team. They will contact us when they’re ready.

Mister Kroeger leaves.

Marcus and Carley return to hugs and kisses, and Sarah wraps her arms around them.

Marcus manages to get an arm around Sarah –

MARCUS

And now I have a daughter, too. We’ll all get through this, somehow.

End of Scene

SITUATION: Person A and Person B are fighting until they realize they were meant to be together.

SCENE ARC: From two people fighting to them kissing.

CARLEY

Traits: Tough, Caring, Polite, Distracting / Evasive

Subtext: Carley is evasive when cornered and often distracts to avoid a trap.

MARCUS

Traits: Strategic [= tactical, calculated, premeditated, considered, intentional], Commanding, Imaginative, Apologetic

Subtext: Marcus is a strategic guy who likes setting people up to lose.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Cycle 6 – First Draft

LOGLINE: Carley’s new love interest, Marcus, is hellbent on freeing her from a fate worse than death.

ESSENCE: Selfless love

SCENE:

INT. BEACHFRONT CAFÉ – DAY

MARCUS DUNN, M.D., (68) is a semi-retired surgeon who has lost his wife to cancer. He is at war with himself for all the regrettable choices he’s made in life, and now she’s gone. He feels an obligation to Carley and has grown to love her.

CARLEY REGIS [her American name], (49) has made a sham marriage arrangement to get to America with her daughter, and now she’s stuck and is in danger.

Carley and Marcus sit in one of the café booths and argue. Both of their worlds are in disarray. Marcus is determined to fix them, but Carley has her doubts.

There’s a knock at the café door.

SARAH REGIS, (18), Carley’s equally endangered daughter, desperately wants to go to Law School but cannot. Not understanding the situation, she’s been hard on Carley.

SARAH

I’ll get it, Mom.

Sarah rushes to the door.

IAN (BUBBA) MACK, (55), Carley’s former boss and sham husband, is now in prison for stabbing Marcus.

SARAH

Mister Kroger? Ian’s attorney? I’m Sarah Regis. My mom and Doctor Dunn are down here —

She leads Mister Kroger to the café booth occupied by Marcus and Carley.

Carley scoots over to make room for Mister Kroger.

Mister Kroger slides in with his familiar satchel —

MISTER KROGER

How are you doing, Doctor?

MARCUS

Better. Just happy to be alive —

Gestures to both Carley and Sarah.

MISTER KROGER

Well, good news and bad. Ian has refused all your offers.

MARCUS

That doesn’t make sense.

MISTER KROGER

No, it doesn’t. He’s facing twenty-five years for stabbing you.

MARCUS

But he still wants this place shut down?

MISTER KROGER

Seems so.

MARCUS

Why is this place so sacred to him?

MISTER KROGER

That’s the puzzle.

MARCUS

I want you to see something – you decide —

(to Sarah)

Can you show Mister Kroger that bolted down the backroom door?

SARAH

Certainly.

Sarah leads Mister Kroger into and through the kitchen.

LATER

Mister Kroger and Sarah return.

MISTER KROGER

That’s bizarre.

MARCUS

It certainly is. He has Carley terrified of even going near it. She’d do almost anything to keep us away.

Mister Kroger looks at Carley, but she looks away, stifling the urge to cry. Puts on her determined, tough-girl face.

MARCUS

See? It’s how he’s controlled her.

SARAH

Mom? I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

CARLEY

It’s okay. As long as you’re safe.

MARCUS

What’s he hiding in there?

MISTER KROGER

Ian no longer owns this place. The bank has already foreclosed on him.

MARCUS

Could they use a buyer?

MISTER KROGER

I think so.

MARCUS

Let me call the bank.

Sarah brings Marcus a phone.

Marcus dials —

INTERCUT — TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

MARCUS

This is Doctor Marcus Dunn —

BANK RECEPTION

Hi, Marcus. What can we do for you?

MARCUS

I’d like to speak to someone about the Beachfront Café account.

BANK RECEPTION

One moment while I connect you with Mister Black.

(PAUSE)

MISTER BLACK

Hi, Doc. In what way are you interested in that café?

MARCUS

I’d like to acquire the property.

MISTER BLACK

What on earth for? Are you sure?

MARCUS

I have my reasons. Can I assume the loan, or —

MISTER BLACK

We’d prefer a purchase.

MARCUS

Even better. Just transfer the funds from my savings.

MISTER BLACK

Done.

MARCUS

I’ll be in to sign the papers in an hour or two.

MISTER BLACK

Good. See you then.

END OF TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

MARCUS

(to Mister Kroger)

Get the F-B-I down here, and open that room.

MISTER KROGER

With Pleasure.

LATER

Marcus has returned from the bank, papers in hand, along with Mister Kroger and the F-B-I.

MARCUS

I own this place now, so break the damned backroom door down.

BACKROOM HALLWAY

The room’s door is a madman’s idea of security.

The F-B-I makes short work of breaking the door open.

The room is empty. A cursory search reveals nothing.

F-B-I AGENT

We’ll get an inspection team down here immediately. This is just an obvious distraction. Whatever he’s hiding has got to be big, and it’s here.

DINING AREA

MISTER KROGER

There is also good news, you know.

MARCUS

Like –?

MISTER KROGER

Ian’s marriage sham has been annulled.

Tears flow —

MARCUS

Carley?

CARLEY

Of course, I will. I love you more than ever. I’m sorry for ever doubting you.

Marcus and Carley almost violently embrace each other and kiss.

Sarah cries with laughter.

MISTER KROGER

If the F-B-I finds what I think they will, I’, sure Immigration will drop the whole matter.

Carley hugs Mister Kroger.

Mister Kroger seems dumbfounded – smiles.

MISTER KROGER

I’m going to leave the rest of this in the hands of the investigation team. They will contact me directly.

End of Scene

SITUATION: Person A and Person B are fighting until they realize they were meant to be together.

SCENE ARC: From two people fighting to them kissing.

CARLEY

Traits:

Tough

Caring

Polite

Distracting / Evasive

Subtext:

Carley is evasive when cornered and often distracts to avoid a trap.

MARCUS

Traits:

Strategic [= tactical, calculated, premeditated, considered, intentional]

Commanding

Imaginative

Apologetic

Subtext:

Marcus is a strategic guy who likes setting people up to lose.

1. STRUCTURAL

A. Suspense.

Possibility: What’s behind the locked door?

We know something of consequence is going to happen, and it is being withheld, thus causing us to wonder, worry, and want to know how it will play out.

B. Major twist.

Possibility: Ian has refused a plea deal. Why?

A sudden change in direction causes the characters to have to deal with new circumstances and their consequences.

Possibility:

Create (or identify) a predictable pattern, then shock us with an unexpected occurrence. This is easily done in a Setup / Surprise pattern.

D. Put in a More Interesting Setting

Possibility: A shabby seafront diner.

Brainstorm possible settings that could elevate the interest level. You’re looking for settings that would put the characters or their goals in jeopardy or add to the drama.

E. Mislead / Reveal.

Possibility: Marcus seems unhappy with Ian’s incarceration, but builds on it to make it permanent.

Knowing what you want to reveal, take us in the wrong direction, then solve it with the reveal.

F. Superior Position / Dramatic Irony

Possibility:

We know something that the characters don’t know, and it is even more powerful if the part they don’t know causes them to go in the opposite direction they should.

G. Uncertainty — hope / fear

Possibility: Cycles through the scene. What is Ian hiding?

Alternate hope and fear by revealing details that make the goal appear likely, then unlikely.

H. Intrigue

Possibility: What is Ian hiding? What is his power over Carley?

Give clues that there are secrets that affect the other characters. Do this in a way that implies that one or more characters are being underhanded or scheming against the others.

I. Mystery

Possibility: The empty room just made the mystery greater

In any unknown situation, there are three corners — What happened, Who did it, and How it happened. The mystery gives us one or two of the corners and demands we discover the missing corners.

We know what happened, but we’re obsessed with finding out who did it and/or how it was done.

J. Cliffhanger

Possibility: Has Ian been engaging in espionage or something?

A startling conclusion with a major hook. Who shot J.R.?

K. Dilemma

Possibility: Ian’s decision to stay in prison.

Two choices where the person will lose something no matter which they take.

L. Something unseen

Possibility: Who is pulling Ian’s strings?

Something or someone is causing or affecting this situation, and we don’t see it.

2. CHARACTER

A. Character changes radically.

Possibility: Ian is not just an impossible man; he’s in over his head.

We thought they were one person; then they turn out to be another. This could be a literal change or just a change of their position on the conflict.

B. Betrayal.

Possibility: Ian would rather rot in jail than free Raisa.

A character who is trusted turns against the main character.

C. Dilemma

Possibility: Ian: death in prison vs. death on the street.

Two choices where the person will lose something no matter which they take.

D. Uncomfortable Moment

Possibility: Marcus and Carley quarrel.

One or more characters are placed in an awkward or embarrassing situation.

E. Misinterpretation

Possibility: Once Marcus understands the danger Carley and Sarah are in, he goes full bore to expose Ian, despite his good-guy face.

An important part is perceived incorrectly, causing one person to act/react in an opposite way of the actual situation.

3. DIALOGUE

A. Hook

Possibility: Where is the evidence? Marcus is relentless.

Something unique, strange, compelling, or unusual happens that makes us even more curious.

B. Predictions

Possibility: Marcus promises himself to Carley.

A declaration about a specific thing happening in the future.

C. Creating a Future

Possibility: A real family unit?

Things happening in the present are causing us to see a potential set of consequences in the future of the script.

D. Anticipatory Dialogue

Possibility: The nightmare will end.

Things said cause us to wonder, worry, or look forward to an event in the future. These could be threats, warnings, predictions, fears, questions, etc. — all pointing to the future.

<hr size=”0″ width=”100%” align=”center”>

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Lesson 25, Cycle 5 – Final Draft.

What I learned…

The biggest takeaway from this Cycle was that if I pushed hard enough, I could do it. I was truly afraid I couldn’t – even woke up in the middle of the night, struggling for a concept, let alone figuring out all those MI points, but once I did that, as Hal demonstrated, the story virtually wrote itself. Wow! For the second time, it really truly works.

NOTE 1: The sample script shows four (count them) separate SCENE HEADINGS (Sluglines), so I’m confused. Does “Scene” mean one and only one scene or “Scene Series”? I opted to use three SCENE HEADINGS. Doing it in one scene can be done, but it would defeat “show, don’t tell.”

NOTE 2: In this Final Draft, I reversed the Traits Swap I did in the First Draft back to the original, as given, Traits listings. I finally figured out how to make them work.

LOGLINE: An oversexed teenage boy risks all for at least the chance at a one-night stand with the high school’s most gorgeous girl but hopes for more.

ESSENCE: Everybody is betraying everybody else. Duplicity, enhanced.

SITUATION

Person A protects Person B when talking to the police but is then arrested. The next scene reveals that Person B set the whole thing up.

SCENE ARC

Philip is PERSON A

Traits: status-seeking, sense of entitlement, guilt-ridden, polite

Subtext: Philip is polite… as he manipulates those around him.

Brandy is PERSON B

Traits: manipulative, entertaining, needy, deceptive

Subtext: Brandy willingly lies when it serves her purpose.

MAXIMUM INTERTAINMENT TECHNIQUES

1. STRUCTURAL

A. Suspense.

A police car drives past Brandy’s parked car, STOPS, and takes the license number.

B. Major twist.

Brandy puts her half of the loot back in Philip’s sack when he’s not looking.

C. Surprise

Philip suggests knocking over a warehouse.

D. Put in a More Interesting Setting

A warehouse, A wealthy person’s house, a pawn shop.

E. Mislead / Reveal.

Phillip’s best friend/informant betrays him to the police. He and Brandy are a couple working together.

F. Superior Position / Dramatic Irony

Possibility: Brandy’s little sister, hidden, hears everything.

G. Uncertainty — hope / fear

Philip’s breaking into the warehouse process.

H. Intrigue

Brandy’s sister knows something went down, but if she reports what she knows, she will be in big trouble with Brandy forever.

I. Mystery

Possibility: Why are all the jewels laid out and so easy to snatch?

J. Cliffhanger

Phillip is arrested. But will Brandy’s deceit catch up with her?

K. Dilemma

Does Phillip go forward with his heist proposition?

L. Something unseen

Brandy’s little sister is hiding in Brandy’s closet.

2. CHARACTER

A. Character changes radically.

Brandy morphs from Philip’s boyfriend to his betrayer.

B. Betrayal.

Brandy betrays Phillip.

C. Dilemma

Phillip wants Brandy so badly he’s ready to sell his soul to the Devil rather than lose her.

D. Uncomfortable Moment

Phillip wants sex with Brandy. Brandy doesn’t and makes him look foolish.

Brandy discovers that her little sister heard everything.

E. Misinterpretation

Philip is led to believe that if he does something radical for Brandy, he can get what he wants.

3. DIALOGUE

A. Hook

Phillip suggests the un-suggestible for a teen. A heist.

B. Predictions

Phillip promises Brandy the moon.

C. Creating a Future

Phillip talks about his and Brandy’s future.

D. Anticipatory Dialogue

Brandy queries Philip about what he will do if he gets caught. He promises to cover for her.

*****

SCENE [Final Draft]: BRANDY AND PHILIP

INT. BRANDY’S HOME – NIGHT

LIVING ROOM

Brandy and Philip are alone together.

PHILP TORKELSON, (18), is over his head in love (with want?) with Brandy and wants a relationship – thinks he has the moxie to pull it off. He knows better but is still willing to risk all for even a chance at a one-night-stand – but hopes for more.

PHILIP

Are we alone?

BRANDY DEVORE, (19), is everything that Phillip is not. She’s every high school boy’s dream if you don’t look too closely, but she’s too mature for Phillip – and too crafty.

BRANDY

Yeah.

PHILIP

When are your parent’s coming home?

BRANDY

Don’t worry so much. Not for hours.

PHILIP

And you little sister?

BRANDY

She’s at a slumber party with her friends. We’re alone.

PHILIP

Wanna go up to your room, then?

BRANDY

Sure. Why not.

Brandy leads Phillip up the stairs to her room.

BRANDY’S ROOM

SUSAN DEVORE, (6), Brandy’s little sister is like most younger siblings – curious about their older brothers and sisters – so she snoops whenever she can.

Susan hears footsteps coming up the stairs – panics – dives into Brandy’s closet and, pulls the louvered doors shut – hides.

As Phillip and Brandy enter the room, Philip removes his button-down shirt, and neatly hangs it over the back of a chair.

BRANDY

What are you doing?

PHILIP

I’m sorry. Getting comfortable?

Brandy’s glare is off-putting.

PHILIP

I’m sorry. I was thinking —

BRANDY

I know what you were thinking.

PHILIP

Oh, God, I’m sorry… want me to put it back on?

BRANDY

Not necessarily. I like your interest in me, but —

As she continues to talk, she entertains Philip with a mini-striptease dance as she removes her blouse.

BRANDY

— But, you know, a girl needs to know what’s in it for her. You do love me, don’t you?

PHILIP

Of course, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I have a reputation to maintain, too, ya know.

BRANDY

How am I supposed to know? Because you told me?

PHILIP

Just as soon as we’re out of high school —

BRANDY

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys all say the same thing. I need something more —

PHILIP

(interrupting)

You mean tangible?

BRANDY

Yeah. That’s the word.

PHILIP

What if I could get you some fine jewelry?

BRANDY

That sounds good. When?

PHILIP

Tonight?

BRANDY

Tonight? Where?

PHILIP

In a warehouse… you don’t want to know more.

BRANDY

How do you know this stuff, and what if you get caught?

Philip transforms into an overconfident little-boy peacock.

PHILIP

I won’t. I know stuff. Just ask the other guys at school.

BRANDY

Okay, if you think you can, but don’t you dare involve me.

PHILIP

(still strutting his stuff)

I would never do that. I love you, remember?

Phillip puts his shirt back on and asks —

PHILIP

Can I borrow your car?

Brandy tosses Phillip her car key – puts her blouse back on

BRANDY

And for god’s sake, keep my car hidden.

PHILIP

I will. It’ll be fine. You worry too much.

Laughing, Phillip leaves.

Brandy follows Phillip downstairs.

Once Brandy leaves, Susan emerges from Brandy’s louvered closet and races down the hall on tiptoes to her own room.

INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Philip finds no trouble in finding the vault with the precious stones and in opening it up – with surgical gloves, of course.

Inside, he discovers a cache of mixed gemstones spread out on a large table, unprotected. A set of loupes, individual plastic vials, and a selection of cataloging labels sit nearby, in the ready.

It’s too easy. He sweeps the pile of premium gems into a velvet bag, tucks the bag inside his shirt, and exits, being careful to return everything back to the way he found it, leaving no clues.

He hears engine noises outside the warehouse –peeks through the door eyehole to see a police officer taking down the license number of Brandy’s car.

INT. BRANDY’S HOME – NIGHT

To the sound of some loud banging on the front door and voices —

POLICE, O.S.

Police, open up.

Brandy opens the door to two police officers.

POLICE

Where’s your car?

Brandy points – screams —

BRANDY

It’s gone. It’s been stolen?

POLICE

That’s all we needed to know. Your car was spotted at the scene of a heist.

BRANDY

I’ve been here all evening.

She’s in her bedroom slippers.

POLICE

We can see that. Sorry for the intrusion.

BRANDY

Will you find my car? I need it to get to work and school.

POLICE

Yes. We’re looking for it.

LATER

Philip, dressed in black clothing and carrying a velvet bag and ski mask inside his shirt, returns.

BRANDY

(in tears)

The police were here.

PHILIP

Yeah, I figured that out, so I hid your car in the Safeway market parking lot.

BRANDY

Did anyone see you?

PHILIP

No. It’s late, and I took the long, winding walk back. The Police will find your car and return it.

BRANDY

Wow, you covered all the bases, didn’t you?

PHILIP

I told you I would. Can we split this up in your room, just in case?

BRANDY’S ROOM

Philip dumps the loot out on Brandy’s bed – a fortune in uncut gemstones roll out.

Brandy about faints.

PHILIP

There it is.

BRANDY

Did you have any trouble?

PHILIP

Nope.

Phillip Just laughs and helps Brandy divide the loot.

LATER

PHILIP

May I use your bathroom?

BRANDY

Certainly. It’s down the hall on the right.

Phillip leaves, and Brandy quickly puts all the gems back in the one bag and closes it.

When Phillip returns, Bandy hands the bag to Phillip —

BRANDY

I’ve hidden my half. Here’s yours. Get it home fast and hide it well.

PHILIP

You can count on it. Later?

BRANDY

Yes. Later. But we can’t be seen together for a while.

Philip leaves, smiling – anticipating.

LATER

Brandy’s phone rings.

JACK DOWNING, (22), is Phillip’s best friend, or so Phillip thinks. He’s slick, smart, greedy, and involved with Brandy behind Phillip’s back. And he knows everything about the company for which he works.

INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

BRANDY

Hello.

JACK

Hi. Brandy. This is Jack. I’m calling from a pay phone. It all went well.

BRANDY

Phillip said it was almost like they wanted him to help himself.

JACK

(laughing)

I tried to make it as easy for him as I could without making it too obvious.

BRANDY

Well, it worked.

JACK

Stupid boy. I’ll call the insurance company tomorrow, now that the theft is discovered. They offer a 10% finder’s fee, no questions asked, and with that haul, it will be substantial – and without having to fence it.

BRANDY

Enough for us to —

JACK

Yeah, but we’re going to have to lay low for a while.

BRANDY

Yeah, I know. This is going to be painful, being without you.

JACK

Well, at least you won’t have to deal with Phillip… for a very long time.

BRANDY

I’ll try to focus on that. I love you, Jack. Sorry to do this to Phillip, but it was necessary.

JACK

I hear you. Bye and take good care of yourself. I love you, too.

END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION.

Brandy’s little sister, Susan, knocks on Brandy’s bedroom door and enters.

Brandy about jumps out of her skin.

BRANDY

What are you doing here?

SUSAN

What do you mean? I live here.

BRANDY

I mean, I thought you were at some sleepover.

SUSAN

She got sick.

BRANDY

So – Phillip?

SUSAN

Yeah. I heard everything. Are you going to get into trouble now or something?

Sounds of the parents arriving downstairs –

Brandy puts her finger to her lips and shushes Susan.

BRANDY

Not one single word about this! Got it?

A frightened Susan nods her head.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Lesson 23, First Draft.

LOGLINE: An oversexed teenage boy risks all for the chance at a one-night’s stand but hopes for more.

ESSENCE: Everybody is betraying everybody else. Duplicity.

SITUATION

Person A protects Person B when talking to the police but is then arrested. The next scene reveals that Person B set the whole thing up.

SCENE ARC

NOTE: I could not get the concept to work, as is, so I gave Brandy, Phillip’s status seeking trait and swapped it out for Brandy’s manipulative trait, per previous assignments.

Philip PERSON A

Traits: manipulative, sense of entitlement, guilt-ridden, polite

Subtext: Philip is polite… as he manipulates those around him.

Brandy PERSON B

Traits: status-seeking, entertaining, needy, deceptive

Subtext: Brandy willingly lies when it serves her purpose.

MAXIMUM INTERTAINMENT

1. STRUCTURAL

A. Suspense.

A police car drives past Brandy’s parked car, STOPS.

B. Major twist.

Brandy puts her half of the loot back in Philip’s sack when he’s not looking.

C. Surprise

Philip suggests knocking over a warehouse.

D. Put in a More Interesting Setting

A warehouse, A wealthy person’s house, pawn shop.

E. Mislead / Reveal.

Phillip’s best friend/informant betrays him to the police. He and Brandy are a couple, working together.

F. Superior Position / Dramatic Irony

Possibility: Brandy’s little sister hears everything.

G. Uncertainty — hope / fear

Philip’s breaking in process.

H. Intrigue

Brandy’s girlfriend knows something went down, but if she reports what she knows, she will lose Brandy’s friendship forever.

I. Mystery

Possibility: Why are all the jewels all laid out and so easy to snatch?

J. Cliffhanger

Phillip is arrested. But will Brandy’s deceit catch up with her?

K. Dilemma

Do Brandy and Phillip go forward with his proposition.

L. Something unseen

Brandy’s little sister is hiding in Brandy’s closet.

2. CHARACTER

A. Character changes radically.

Brandy morphs from Philip’s boyfriend to his betrayer.

B. Betrayal.

Brandy betrays Phillip

C. Dilemma

Phillip wants Brandy so badly he’s ready to sell his soul to the Devil.

D. Uncomfortable Moment

Phillip wants sex with Brandy. Brandy doesn’t and makes him look foolish.

E. Misinterpretation

Philip is led to believe that if he does something radical for Brandy, he can get what he wants.

3. DIALOGUE

A. Hook

Phillip suggests the un-suggestible. A heist.

B. Predictions

Phillip promises Brandy the moon.

C. Creating a Future

Phillip talks about his and Brandy’s future.

D. Anticipatory Dialogue

Brandy queries Philip about what he will do if he gets caught.

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INITIAL SCENE [First Draft]: BRANDY AND PHILIP

INT. BRANDY’S HOME – NIGHT

Brandy and Philip are together, alone in the

LIVING ROOM

PHILIP

Are we alone?

BRANDY

Yeah.

PHILIP

When are your parent’s coming home?

BRANDY

Not for hours.

PHILIP

And you little sister?

BRANDY

She’s at a slumber party with her friends.

PHILIP

Wanna go up to your room?

BRANDY

Sure. Why not.

Brandy leads Phillip up the stairs.

BRANDY’S ROOM

Removes his button-down shirt, neatly hangs it over the back of a chair

BRANDY

What are you doing?

PHILIP

Getting comfortable?

Brandy’s glare is off-putting.

PHILIP

I’m sorry. I just thought —

BRANDY

I know what you’re thinking.

PHILIP

Want me to put my shirt back on?

BRANDY

Not necessarily.

As she continues to talk, she entertains Philip with a mini-striptease act as she removes her blouse.

BRANDY

A girl needs to know what’s in it for her. Do you really love me?

PHILIP

Of course, I love you.

BRANDY

How would I know that?

PHILIP

Just as soon as we’re out of high school —

BRANDY

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys all say that. I need something more —

PHILIP

(interrupting)

Tangible?

BRANDY

Yeah. That word.

PHILIP

What if I could get you some jewelry?

BRANDY

That sounds good. When?

PHILIP

Tonight?

BRANDY

Where?

PHILIP

In a warehouse… you don’t want to know more.

BRANDY

How do you know this? And what if you get caught?

Philip transforms into a little-boy peacock.

PHILIP

I won’t. I know a friend.

BRANDY

Okay, if you think you can. Just don’t get me involved.

PHILIP

I would never do that. I love you, remember?

Phillip puts his shirt back on, and asks —

PHILIP

Can I borrow your car?

Brandy tosses Phillip her car key.

BRANDY

Keep the car hidden.

PHILIP

I will. You worry too much.

Laughing, Phillip leaves.

LATER

To the sound of some loud banging on the front door, and voices —

POLICE, O.S.

Police, open up.

Brand opens the door to two police officers.

POLICE

Where’s your car?

Brandy points and screams —

BRANDY

It’s gone. It’s been stolen?

POLICE

That’s all we needed to know. Your car was spotted at the scene of a heist.

BRANDY

I’ve been here all evening.

POLICE

We can see that. Sorry for the intrusion.

BRANDY

Will you find my car? I need it to get to work and school.

POLICE

Yes. We’re looking for it.

MUCH LATER

Philip, dressed in black clothing and carrying a velvet bag and ski mask under his coat, returns.

BRANDY

(in tears)

The police were here.

PHILIP

Yeah, I was afraid of that; I left your car in the Safeway parking lot.

BRANDY

Did anyone see you?

PHILIP

No. I took the long, winding walk back. The Police will find it.

BRANDY

Good.

PHILIP

Can we split this up in your room, just in case?

BRANDY’S ROOM

Philip dumps the loot out on the bed – a fortune in uncut gemstones – hundreds.

Brandy about faints.

PHILIP

There it is.

BRANDY

Did you have any trouble?

Phillip Just laughs and helps Brandy divide the loot.

PHILIP

May I use your bathroom?

BRANDY

Certainly. It’s down the hall on the right.

Phillip leaves, and Brandy quickly puts all the gems back in the bag and closes it.

When Phillip returns, Bandy hands the bag to Phillip —

BRANDY

I’ve hidden my half. Here, take yours and get home fast. And hide it well.

PHILIP

I will.

Philip leaves.

Brandy’s phone rings.

INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

BRANDY

Hello.

JACK

Hi. This is Jack. I’m calling from a pay phone. It all went well.

BRANDY

Phillip said it was almost like they wanted him to take them.

JACK

(laughing)

Stupid boy. I’ll call the insurance company tomorrow. They’ll offer a 10% finders fee, no questions, and with that haul, it will be substantial.

BRANDY

Enough to —

JACK

Yeah, but we’re going to have to lay low for a while.

BRANDY

Yeah, I know. This is going to be painful, being without you.

JACK

Well, at least you won’t have to deal with Phillip… for a very long time.

BRANDY

I’ll try to focus on that. I love you, Jack. Sorry to do this to Phillip, but it was necessary.

JACK

I hear you. Bye and take good care of yourself. I love you, too.

END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION.

Brandy’s little sister, Susan, knocks and enters Brandy’s room.

Brandy about jumps out of her skin.

BRANDY

What are you doing here?

SUSAN

What do you mean? I live here.

BRANDY

I thought you were at a sleepover.

SUSAN

She got sick.

BRANDY

So –?

SUSAN

Yeah. I heard everything. Are you going to get into trouble or something?

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Interest Scene

I got lost more than once, but I finally had the epiphany. The Interest Techniques do tend to write the story, and it’s a lot more direct this way than writing the script and then trying to force the Interest Techniques into it. Cool!

Situation: After being screwed over, Person A returns to Person B to request a truce…but in the next scene, we see that they are actually setting up Person B.

??? A is setting up B???

Albert influences the team to favor him over Bob, but it does not work. Bob is invited onto the team, so Albert decides to sham-celebrate Bob’s victory. Bob, it turns out is, in fact, the better choice, but no one (except Albert) is aware of this, yet. Out of guilt and ethics, Bob declines the position, and Albert joins the team. Later, the Coaches discover that Albert is physically compromised. Will they keep Albert or replace him with Bob?

I. STRUCTURAL

A. Suspense.

Bob is overcome with Albert’s presumed sense of fair play. Begs Albert’s forgiveness.

We know something of consequence is going to happen, and it is being withheld, thus causing us to wonder, worry, and want to know how it will play out.

B. Major twist.

Bob asks the committee to reconsider his invitation.

A sudden change in direction causes the characters to have to deal with new circumstances and their consequences.

C. Surprise.

Albert visits Bob after Bob has cost Albert a team position on the team. He brings hotdogs and beer to cheer on the team effort.

Create (or identify) a predictable pattern, then shock us with an unexpected occurrence. This is easily done in a Setup / Surprise pattern.

D. Put in a More Interesting Setting

Instead of a more local sailing event, make it the Winter Olympics – downhill skiing. Or maybe the Summer Olympics – swim team.

Brainstorm possible settings that could elevate the interest level. You’re looking for settings that would put the characters or their goals in jeopardy or add to the drama.

E. Mislead / Reveal.

Albert appears to be the better choice to his teammates, but he’s actually a colossal underhanded ass, even if he is sick.

Knowing what you want to reveal, take us in the wrong direction, then solve it with the reveal.

F. Superior Position / Dramatic Irony

Unknown to the Committee, Albert is in the early stages of leukemia and probably won’t be able to perform when the time comes.

We know something that the characters don’t know, and it is even more powerful if the part they don’t know causes them to go in the opposite direction they should.

G. Uncertainty — hope / fear

Will the substitution prove beneficial to the team or not?

Alternate hope and fear by revealing details that make the goal appear likely, then unlikely.

H. Intrigue

The team members support Albert, and the Coaches can’t help but be aware of this.

Give clues that there are secrets that affect the other characters. Do this in a way that implies that one or more characters are being underhanded or scheming against the others.

I. Mystery

Why does Albert’s health problem get sidetracked and not get to the committee? Who did this?

In any unknown situation, there are three corners — What happened, Who did it, and How it happened. The mystery gives us one or two of the corners and demands we discover the missing corners.

We know what happened, but we’re obsessed with finding out who did it and/or how it was done.

J. Cliffhanger

Albert is suddenly out. Can Bob come back and uphold the team spot?

A startling conclusion with a major hook. Who shot J.R.?

K. Dilemma

The Committee gets Albert’s belated health report. Should Albert or Bob Perform? Bob is psychologically compromised; Albert is physically compromised.

Two choices where the person will lose something no matter which they take.

L. Something unseen.

A partially seen someone is seen deep-sixing Albert’s health record.

Something or someone is causing or affecting this situation and we don’t see it.

II. CHARACTER

A. Character changes radically.

Albert turns out to be a liar, putting the entire team at risk.

We thought they were one person, then they turn out to be another. This could be a literal change or just a change of their position on the conflict.

B. Betrayal.

Albert’s counter-campaign for the remaining spot on the team has besmirched Bob’s character.

A character who is trusted turns against the main character.

C. Dilemma

If Bob bumps Albert, again, he will lose the respect of the team and not be able to perform at his peak; if he chooses to refuse, he will keep the team’s respect, but he will be unable to participate.

Two choices where the person will lose something no matter which they take.

D. Uncomfortable Moment

Albert is confronted with his health issue and the probability that he had something to do with the disappearance of his true health report.

One or more characters are placed in an awkward or embarrassing situation.

E. Misinterpretation

Albert poses as a forgiving friend, and Bob falls for it.

An important part is perceived incorrectly, causing one person to act/react in an opposite way of the actual situation.

III. DIALOGUE

A. Hook

The coaches confront Albert about his deception.

Something unique, strange, compelling, or unusual happens that makes us even more curious.

B. Predictions

The team believes that with Albert back on the team, they’re destined to win.

A declaration about a specific thing happening in the future.

C. Creating a Future

The team can already feel the gold, in hand.

Things happening in the present are causing us to see a potential set of consequences in the future of the script.

D. Anticipatory Dialogue

The disruption in the team’s training is causing all sorts of problems and the coaches know they have their work cut out for them.

Things said cause us to wonder, worry, or look forward to an event in the future. These could be threats, warnings, predictions, fears, questions, etc. — all pointing to the future.

ALBERT AND BOB

First draft

PRE-SCENE

After a battle between Albert and Bob over the one remaining spot on the U.S. Olympic Swim Team (Albert claims he’s been muscled out) —

EXT. BOB’S BACKYARD – DAY

Albert and Bob take seats on Bob’s patio – drink cold beer and eat hotdogs.

BOB

Wow, Albert, I thought you’d hate me forever. This is a total surprise.

ALBERT

Forever’s too long. Eat up.

BOB

Thanks, Albert. You’re a better man than I am.

ALBERT

Forget it. It’s time to move on and support the team.

Bob raises his beer —

BOB

Go, team.

Albert laughs – raises his beer —

ALBERT

Go, team.

*****

LOGLINE

A young swimmer makes his way onto the Olympic swim team by intimidation and deceit, but karma snatches it away – again.

SCENE

INT. POOL CLUBHOUSE – DAY

Albert enters Coach Smith’s office.

COACH SMITH

Hello, Albert. I called you in because Bob left the team.

Albert takes a seat – shows an irritatingly pleased-but-faint smile.

ALBERT

What on earth for?

COACH SMITH

He seems to think his aggressive campaigning for the spot was un-sportsman-like – maybe unethical. and it will spoil his mindset.

ALBERT

I didn’t expect that.

COACH SMITH

Neither did we. So, go. Suit-up.

LATER

Albert enters the pool area, opposite the coach’s office.

TEAMMATE 1

(ecstatically)

Albert. What are you doing here?

ALBERT

Your plan worked. Bob resigned – weak-minded twit. He fell for it hook-line-an-sinker.

TEAMMATE 1

Good. That’s great to have you back on board. Now we’re sure to win the gold.

Coach Winslow shows up.

COACH WINSLOW

Everybody. Into the pool – laps.

FLASHBACK – INT. HEMATOLOGY – HOSPITAL – DAY

A phlebotomist draws Albert’s blood.

LATER

INSERT: A PATIENT CHART, which reads

“Dx: Leukemia”

BACK TO FLASHBACK

LATER

INSERT: A LETTER, which reads –

“Sirs:

We regret to inform you that Albert Camus did not pass his physical examination.

Dr. Shah, M.D.”

BACK TO FLASHBACK

A pair of hands holding the letter feed it into a paper shredder.

LATER

The same hands fold a similar letter – stuff it into an envelope.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY

LATER

After two hours of laps, Coach Winslow pulls Albert aside.

COACH WINSLOW

What gives Albert? You’re falling way behind the others.

ALBERT

I don’t know. I just feel tired, today. Didn’t know I’d be here.

COACH SMITH’S OFFICE

Coach Smith sees a large manila envelope slide under his door.

He retrieves and opens the envelope and reads the note inside.

Coach Smith rushes out of his office and calls —

COACH SMITH

Winslow. I need to see you.

Coach Winslow trots over to Coach Smith’s office, and Coach Smith closes the door behind them.

COACH SMITH

Take a look at this.

Coach Smith hands the note to Coach Winslow, who reads it with apprehension.

COACH WINSLOW

This would explain everything. His times are way off.

COACH SMITH

His physical report from the hospital said he passed. I think we better find out what’s going on.

Coach Smith dials his phone —

INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

DOCTOR SHAH

Doctor Shah, here.

COACH SMITH

This is Coach Smith, doctor. I just received a note that one of my swimmers has leukemia. I don’t understand. He passed his physical.

DOCTOR SHAH

No, no, no. He did not pass his physical.

COACH SMITH

So, he does have leukemia?

DOCTOR SHAH

I’m sorry, but I can’t discuss that with you.

COACH SMITH

Yes. I understand. Thank you for the report confirmation.

END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

Coach Smith hangs up, shaking his head.

COACH SMITH

(to Coach Winslow)

Well, the boy’s sick, somehow. He didn’t pass his physical.

COACH WINSLOW

I thought so. Now what?

COACH SMITH

Both we and the hospital, are in the middle of a big, legal mess. Bob’s back on the team.

COACH WINSLOW

Think he’ll be psychologically up to it?

COACH SMITH

What do you think?

COACH WINSLOW

Maybe. Then, again, maybe not.

COACH SMITH

That’s the problem. On or off the team, we’re going to have one hell of a time getting then back together again as a unified group.

Coach Smith picks up his telephone, again – dials.

INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

COACH SMITH

Bob. Get your butt back over here. Like it or not, you’re still on the team.

BOB

What about Albert?

COACH SMITH

We can’t discuss that.

END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

Coach Winslow opens the office door and calls Albert over.

COACH WINSLOW

So when were you going to tell us about your leukemia?

ALBERT

Who told you that?

COACH WINSLOW

It certainly wasn’t the hospital or your doctor, now, was it?

ALBERT

I’m not saying anything.

Coach Smith hands Albert the note.

COACH SMITH

This was slipped under my door.

ALBERT

Well, it’s not true.

COACH SMITH

You didn’t pass the physical, Albert. The letter we got was a fraud. You want to debate that, too?

ALBERT

I want to talk to my lawyer.

COACH SMITH

Your choice, but you’re off the team.

COACH WINSLOW

Your performance today was awful. You might want to mention that to him while you’re talking to him.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment…

Once again, this was a watershed experience – another bundle of loose ends, tied up. I see the connection of this skill set with those used in the Thriller Genre skill set.

Select a scene that NEEDS a cool reveal and give us the logline of the scene.

LOGLINE: A national park ranger discovers the grizzly remains of four mountain climbers, but when their puzzling deaths point to the woman he has come to love, he is drawn into a deadly, cat-and-mouse investigation to try and prove her innocence.

Ask questions to lead to a list of possible reveals.

What do I want to hide from the reader for dramatic effect?

a. I want to hide Elyna’s true identity and Russell’s activities.

What are the characters hiding from each other?

b. Elyna, as well as Russell, are not as they appear.

What is already known that would be more dramatic if hidden, than revealed?

c. Elyna’s sketchy history is troubling. In what way, if any, is she involved in the mountain massacre?

What would be the best/worst/most dramatic thing that could be revealed at this point?

d. The true Elyna Bonet is dead, and the fraudulent Elyna is not legal.

Knowing this story, what could be under the surface that would create more drama for my characters?

e. Russell has figured out that Elyna cannot be who she’s claiming to be, but that reveal only draws suspicion back on Russell, who seems a bit too eager.

Are there any deeper meanings to the things my characters are saying and doing?

f. Yes. Elyna is terrified of Russell, and Russell is too smug, wanting to blame the deaths on wild animals – refuses to listen to the Coroner.

List the structure of the scene through the three steps of the Reveal Model. Demand: Cover-up: Reveal:

a. Current Situation/Coverup:

Everyone believes that the young French woman, Elyna Bonet, is the daughter of the Lodge owners, who have died and left the Lodge to her.

b. Demand:

Sequoia National Park senior park ranger, Russell, has figured out that Mrs. Bonet would have been about sixty years old when Elyna was born, and he uses this revelation to hide his own mischief. He blames her for the four dead bodies in the mountains on a rocky plateau.

c. Reveal

Elyna chooses to reveal who she really is to a junior park ranger, Spencer, to avoid a murder rap, and because she has come to trust him to understand her true reasons for her deception.

Write the scene…

EXT. THE MEADOW – DAY

Elyna leads Spencer some distance past the barn, through the woods, to a meadow with a small hillock.

SPENCER

Where are you taking me?

ELYNA

Patience. You’ll see.

Elyna continues to lead Spencer to three, small, wooden grave markers on the hillock.

She points to the middle one.

INSERT – GRAVE MARKER, which reads:

“Elía Monet.”

BACK TO Elyna

Elyna just continues to point.

Spencer is confused —

SPENCER

Who is this?

ELYNA

It’s me.

SPENCER

You’re making no sense.

ELYNA

That’s because it isn’t me.

Spencer is dumbfounded.

ELYNA

Wait for me, here. I’ll be back.

SPENCER

Elyna?

ELYNA

Figure it out, Spencer. Russell did.

SPENCER

What do you mean?

ELYNA

He was here. He tried to force a confession – threatened me.

Spencer sits on the ground next to the gravesite.

LATER

Elyna returns.

ELYNA

We’re alone, again. My guests have gone.

SPENCER

You’re Elía Monet, aren’t you?

ELYNA

Yes and no. Elyna Bonet died, and Mister and Misses Bonet unofficially adopted me.

SPENCER

And gave their child’s name to you?

ELYNA

Yes. So now you know. I’m not legal. The real Elyna was about twenty years older than me.

SPENCER

And nobody suspected?

ELYNA

Why should they? They virtually never saw either of us.

SPENCER

Wow. Your names are so similar; I get it. Your secret is safe with me, Elyna.

ELYNA

Thank you, Spencer. But it is not safe with Russell.

SPENCER

That comes as no great surprise; he’s such a bully. But we have new problems to worry about.

ELYNA

Like what?

SPENCER

Who put up that fence on the plateau?

ELYNA

You keep talking about that fence. Why is it so important?

SPENCER

Because it’s an enigma. It has no reason for being there. My sixth sense kicked in the minute I saw it.

ELYNA

How do you know this?

SPENCER

I’m a biologist, first. There is no biology that I know of, that would put that fence there for any reason.

ELYNA

So –?

SPENCER

So, what’s it doing there? There has to be something else going on.

ELYNA

You asked me about the wire. Did you look further into that?

SPENCER

Yeah, I did. It wasn’t the Golden Trout Pack Station, either.

ELYNA

So who, then. We’re the only ones.

SPENCER

No, you aren’t. Cottonwood Pack Station is on the eastern side of the mountains.

Elyna gasps.

ELYNA

I never thought of that, but they’re so far away.

SPENCER

The problem is, the university listed on the receipts told me that it has no such faculty member – never has.

ELYNA

It seems you’re over your head in non-existent people. I’m sorry I’m a part of it.

SPENCER

Let’s just confirm your identity, first.

ELYNA

Good idea. I’m tired of running.

SPENCER

There is a way to make you legal, you know.

ELYNA

I can’t afford that.

SPENCER

Sure, you can, but would you even want to run the risk?

ELYNA

What risk? Being deported?

SPENCER

That’s not what I had in mind.

SPENCER

Let’s just focus on you, for now. Get a birth certificate from France.

ELYNA

I’ll do that.

Elyna and Spencer just sit looking at each other.

SPENCER

Introduce me to your babies.

Elena jumps up laughing – takes Spencer’s hand.

ELYNA

Come.

Spender stands – is swallowed up by Elyna’s eyes on him – touches her face with the backs of his fingers.

SPENCER

God, you’re beautiful when you smile.

ELYNA

Spencer?

LATER

Spencer is surrounded by three giant dogs whose only threat seems to lie in their possibly licking him to death.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham’s Character Relationships

What I learned…

For me, this was a breakthrough. It brought together theories from several different sources. The number four (and multiples of it) seems to play a great role in story structure. This unites Plot and Theme with Relationships (Character).

I played with multiple changes to tune in what I was looking for. And I don’t know if this is the final adjustment, yet.

CHARACTERS

1. Jake – Main Character/Protagonist (pursue)+Reason Character (logic)

Traits: logical, honorable, impetuous, irresolute.

Subtext: Jake is a successful, surgeon who has regrets and sadness.

2. Rose -Influence Character/Guardian Character (help) + Sidekick (support)

Traits: supportive, kind, cheerful, fearful.

Subtext: Rose grew up in fear, and it hasn’t gotten better.

3. Ian – Antagonist Character (hinder) + Skeptic (oppose)

Traits: obstructing, scheming, boorish, hotheaded.

Subtext: Ian has a dark, hidden past that has rendered him a failure.

4. Nadia – Contagonist Character (hinder) + Emotion (temptation)

Traits: tantalizing, persuasive, smart, frustrated.

Subtext: Nadia is frustrated in her wants and desires and fears.

RELATIONSHIPS

TRAITS

JAKE: logical honorable impetuous irresolute.

ROSE: supportive kind cheerful fearful.

IAN: skeptical scheming boorish hotheaded.

NADIA: tantalizing persuasive smart frustrated

Jake/Rose

Rapport: Logical Supportive

Conflict: Irresolute Fearful

Contrast: Impetuous Cheerful

Competition: Honorable Kind

Subtext: Jake is a successful, surgeon who has regrets and sadness.

Jake/Ian

Rapport: Irresolute Skeptical

Conflict: Logical Scheming

Contrast: Honorable Boorish

Competition: Impetuous Hotheaded

Subtext: Jake is a successful, surgeon who has regrets and sadness.

Jake/Nadia

Rapport: Logical Smart

Conflict: Irresolute Persuasive

Contrast: Honorable Frustrated

Competition: Impetuous Tantalizing

Subtext: Jake is a successful, surgeon who has regrets and sadness.

Rose/Ian

Rapport: Supportive Scheming

Conflict: Kind Boorish

Contrast: Cheerful Hotheaded

Competition: Fearful Skeptical

Subtext: Rose grew up in fear, and it hasn’t gotten better.

Rose/Nadia

Rapport: Supportive Smart

Conflict: Fearful Tantalizing

Contrast: Cheerful Frustrated

Competition: Kind Persuasive

Subtext: Rose grew up in fear, and it hasn’t gotten better.

Ian/Nadia

Rapport: Boorish Tantalizing

Conflict: Scheming Smart

Contrast: Hotheaded Persuasive

Competition: Skeptical Frustrated

Subtext: Ian has a dark, hidden past that has rendered him a failure.

SUMMARY

Jake is an honorable man who is logical and listens. Rose is supportive and cheerful, so she and Jake get along nicely. Jake does have a tendency toward impetuousness, and that can be upsetting and fearful to Rose.

Jake’s impetuousness also gets him into trouble with Ian, especially when it finds Ian’s hotheadedness. And that further aggravates Rose’s fears.

Jake is irresolutely sad and lonely, following his wife’s death, and he discovers many regrets, which include, as a physician, his inability to save his wife and having sacrificed having children for his career.

Rose and Nadia become Jake’s second chance at life – to get it right, but Ian will have none of it and will kill if he must. Age differences, a sham marriage to Ian, and heartless immigration laws add to insurmountable odds against their finding happiness, apart or together.

Ian is not a nice man. He rubs everyone the wrong way. He mistreats Rose, but she is so afraid to rock-the-boat, she goes along with his scheming and tries to get along, which only emboldens him to get worse.

Rose’s daughter is very smart and attempts to get into Ian’s good graces by matching his boorishness point for point with her tantalizing persuasion, but underneath it all, she is frustrated and angry. Much of this frustration is taken out on her mother. Rose’s kindness and cheerfulness are read, by Nadia as weakness — her inability to stand up to the bully who is Ian.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham – Lesson 19

DRAFT 3

RENEE – Traits

prissy, devious, outgoing, conformist

SUBTEXT: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

MAXINE -Traits

tricky, <s>snobbish</s> (changed to secretive), paranoid, emotionally wounded.

SUBTEXT: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

SITUATION: One person promises the other that they can keep a secret, but really didn’t.

SCENE ARC:

1. From: The promise confirmed.

2. To: The other person discovering the secret is out.

LOGLINE: A devious woman, hoping to convince her friend that she is worthy of the Pastor’s love, paints her friend into every corner but the right one.

ESSENCE: When minding one’s own business is golden.

SCENE: RENEE vs. MAXINE

******

EXT. CITY PARK – DAY

Renee observes Maxine emerging from the Planned Parenthood clinic, across the street – watches.

Maxine approaches Rene.

Renee puts an arm around Maxine.

RENEE

Are you okay, Maxie?

MAXINE

Yeah, I’m fine. Why?

Renee nods in the direction of the clinic.

RENEE

You know – Are you sure? You can tell me.

MAXINE

Of course, I’m sure.

RENEE

Then why were you crying?

(beat)

Are you pregnant?

MAXINE

No, Renee. I am not.

RENEE

Then why that place? You know it’s forbidden.

MAXINE

Because they have a female doctor.

RENEE

Is that important?

MAXINE

It is if you don’t like some strange man poking around in — well that’s up to you, but it is to me.

RENEE

But he’s a Doctor, Maxie.

MAXINE

Fine. I still don’t trust him.

RENEE

Oh, no. Sweet Jesus, no. What are you saying? Are you —

(whispers)

–The G-word?

RENEE

Oh, please, Renee. Give it up.

RENEE

Well, Pastor Jim Bob says that place is a den of iniquity —

MAXINE

Dam it, Renee. I know what the Pastor says.

RENEE

Well, okay, but you don’t have to swear at me. I’m. just trying to keep myself pure for –

MAXINE

(interrupting)

You have the hots for Jim Bob?

RENEE

I wouldn’t put it that way.

MAXINE

I give up. Are you sure you can keep a secret?

RENEE

You have to ask?

MAXINE

Well, yeah. It’s personal.

RENEE

I won’t tell a soul. You can trust me on this. Okay?

MAXINE

It’s just… I’ve been told I can’t have children, too many times, now.

RENEE

(gasps)

I am so sorry. I didn’t know –

MAXINE

It’s what it is, Renee. I’ll just have to live with it.

RENEE

But I know you want children.

(beat)

I’ll pray for you. Someday… you will have a family. I just know it.

MAXINE

Thank you, Renee. I still love you – and no, not that way.

RENE

I’m sorry Maxine, but I need to go.

Renee leaves but she does not go far.

Maxine takes a bench seat and watches the children play in the play area.

Partially hidden by park trees, Renee whips out her cell phone and punches-in numbers.

PASTOR JIM BOB, (36), is a jovial, clean-cut, pastor-type person.

INTERCUT — TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

RENEE

Pastor? This is Rene.

PASTOR

Yes?

RENEE

I’m worried. I just watched Maxine leave Planned Parenthood. She was crying.

PASTOR

Why?

RENEE

She said it was because the Doctor said she couldn’t have children.

PASTOR

Why?

RENEE

I don’t know. I don’t believe her. What should we do?

PASTOR

Nothing. Renee. I’ll talk with her.

END OF PHONE CONVERSATION

LATER

Maxine, still watching the children play, is joined by Pastor Jim Bob.

He avoids getting too close – sits a bit far from her.

PASTOR

Someone called and said they saw you leaving Planned Parenthood… crying.

MAXINE

Renee told you about that? She promised she would keep it a secret.

PASTOR

A secret? What secret? Why were you crying?

Maxine laughs

MAXINE

Oh, Bobby. I was just so happy; after all those bad diagnoses in the past, I couldn’t help myself.

PASTOR

Maxine?

MAXINE

(giggles)

Yeah. I’m pregnant.

Pastor Jim Bob laughs – delighted.

PASTOR

Maybe Renee needs to be taught a lesson.

(whispers)

Don’t’ look, but she’s just behind us, trying to hide.

MAXINE

Yes. She’s very nosey.

Pastor Jim Bob scoots close to Maxine, puts his arms around her, and kisses her with passion.

Renee, from her somewhat hidden spot, looks on in horror.

PASTOR

There. That should confuse her.

Maxine laughs.

PASTOR

Maxine – Sweetheart –?

MAXINE

Yes, my husband —

Maxine pulls a wedding band out of her purse.

MAXINE

— I think I’m ready to wear this now.

Pastor Jim Bob places the ring on her finger where it belongs.

PASTOR

You’re sure you’re okay with this, now?

MAXINE

Yes. I’m sorry for being so paranoid, before, but being a pastor’s wife is not an easy thing to be… being judged by all those other women in the church. I was scared. I know how awful some of them can be.

PASTOR

You’ll do fine. I love you. Maybe it’s time we tell the church about our private marriage, with our families – and then the world.

Maxine

Yes.

PASTOR

I think I just saw Renee run away. Maybe I should have a talk with her?

MAXINE

Yes. I was a bit hard on her, but she is such a prissy busybody. And I did tell her I wasn’t pregnant.

PASTOR

Maybe a miracle will happen?

[Alfred Dunham]

Yeah. She’s prissy so she wouldn’t say “yes.” Her reply was, “I wouldn’t put it that way,” which is still a yes. As the truth unwinds, she’s going to be even more blown away. She thought she had a sure thing and was playing the part (“playing a role”). Another, maybe too subtle(?) hint is, she asks the Pastor what “WE” should do. There is no “we.” He’s already married to Maxine.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham – Lesson 18

DRAFT 2

RENEE – Traits

prissy, devious, outgoing, conformist

SUBTEXT: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

MAXINE -Traits

tricky, <s>snobbish</s> (changed to secretive), paranoid, emotionally wounded.

SUBTEXT: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

SITUATION: One person promises the other that they can keep a secret, but really didn’t.

SCENE ARC:

1. From: The promise confirmed.

2. To: The other person discovering the secret is out.

LOGLINE: A devious woman, hoping to convince her friend that she is worthy of the Pastor’s love, paints her friend into every corner but the right one.

ESSENCE: When minding one’s own business is golden.

SCENE: RENEE vs. MAXINE

******

EXT. CITY PARK – DAY

Renee observes Maxine emerging from the Planned Parenthood clinic, across the street – watches.

Maxine approaches Rene.

Renee puts an arm around Maxine.

RENEE

Are you okay, Maxie?

MAXINE

Yeah, I’m fine. Why?

Renee nods in the direction of the clinic.

RENEE

You know – Are you sure? You can tell me.

MAXINE

Of course, I’m sure.

RENEE

Then why were you crying?

(beat)

Are you pregnant?

MAXINE

No, Renee. I am not.

RENEE

Then why that place? You know it’s forbidden.

MAXINE

Because they have a female doctor.

RENEE

Is that important?

MAXINE

It is if you don’t like some strange man poking around in — well that’s up to you, but it is to me.

RENEE

But he’s a Doctor, Maxie.

MAXINE

Fine. I still don’t trust him.

RENEE

Oh, no. Sweet Jesus, no. What are you saying? Are you —

(whispers)

–The G-word?

RENEE

Oh, please, Renee. Give it up.

RENEE

Well, Pastor Jim Bob says that place is a den of iniquity —

MAXINE

Dam it, Renee. I know what the Pastor says.

RENEE

Well, okay, but you don’t have to swear at me. I’m. just trying to keep myself pure for –

MAXINE

(interrupting)

You have the hots for Jim Bob?

RENEE

I wouldn’t put it that way.

MAXINE

I give up. Are you sure you can keep a secret?

RENEE

You have to ask?

MAXINE

Well, yeah. It’s personal.

RENEE

I won’t tell a soul. You can trust me on this. Okay?

MAXINE

It’s just… I’ve been told I can’t have children, too many times, now.

RENEE

(gasps)

I am so sorry. I didn’t know –

MAXINE

It’s what it is, Renee. I’ll just have to live with it.

RENEE

But I know you want children.

(beat)

I’ll pray for you. Someday… you will have a family. I just know it.

MAXINE

Thank you, Renee. I still love you – and no, not that way.

RENE

I’m sorry Maxine, but I need to go.

Renee leaves but she does not go far.

Maxine takes a bench seat and watches the children play in the play area.

Partially hidden by park trees, Renee whips out her cell phone and punches-in numbers.

PASTOR JIM BOB, (36), is a jovial, clean-cut, pastor-type person.

INTERCUT — TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

RENEE

Pastor? This is Rene.

PASTOR

Yes?

RENEE

I’m worried. I just watched Maxine leave Planned Parenthood. She was crying.

PASTOR

Why?

RENEE

She said it was because the Doctor said she couldn’t have children.

PASTOR

Why?

RENEE

I don’t know. I don’t believe her. What should we do?

PASTOR

Nothing. Renee. I’ll talk with her.

END OF PHONE CONVERSATION

LATER

Maxine, still watching the children play, is joined by Pastor Jim Bob.

He avoids getting too close – sits a bit far from her.

PASTOR

Someone called and said they saw you leaving Planned Parenthood… crying.

MAXINE

Renee told you about that? She promised she would keep it a secret.

PASTOR

A secret? What secret? Why were you crying?

Maxine laughs

MAXINE

Oh, Bobby. I was just so happy; after all those bad diagnoses in the past, I couldn’t help myself.

PASTOR

Maxine?

MAXINE

(giggles)

Yeah. I’m pregnant.

Pastor Jim Bob laughs – delighted.

PASTOR

Maybe Renee needs to be taught a lesson.

(whispers)

Don’t look, but she’s just behind us, trying to hide.

MAXINE

Yes. She’s very nosey.

Pastor Jim Bob scoots close to Maxine, puts his arms around her, and kisses her with passion.

Renee, from her somewhat hidden spot, looks on in horror.

PASTOR

There. That should confuse her.

Maxine laughs.

PASTOR

Maxine – Sweetheart –?

MAXINE

Yes, my husband —

Maxine pulls a wedding band out of her purse.

MAXINE

— I think I’m ready to wear this now.

Pastor Jim Bob places the ring on her finger where it belongs.

PASTOR

You’re sure you’re okay with this, now?

MAXINE

Yes. I’m sorry for being so paranoid, before, but being a pastor’s wife is not an easy thing to be… being judged by all those other women in the church. I was scared. I know how awful some of them can be.

PASTOR

You’ll do fine. I love you. Maybe it’s time we tell the church about our private marriage, with our families – and then the world.

Maxine

Yes.

PASTOR

I think I just saw Renee run off. Maybe I should have a talk with her.

MAXINE

Yes. I was a bit hard on her, but she is such a prissy busybody.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham – Lesson 17

RENEE – Traits

prissy, devious, outgoing, conformist

ST: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

MAXINE -Traits

tricky, snobbish, paranoid, emotionally wounded.

ST: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

SITUATION: One person promises the other that they can keep a secret, but really didn’t.

SCENE ARC:

1. From: The promise confirmed.

2. To: The other person discovering the secret is out.

LOGLINE: A nosey woman arrives, and every answer about her friend but the right one

ESSENCE: When minding one’s own business is golden.

SCENE: RENEE vs. MAXINE

EXT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD – DAY

RENEE, (29), is prissy (prudish), devious, outgoing, and a conformist.

MAXINE, (32), is tricky, <s>snobbish</s> secretive, paranoid, and emotionally wounded.

From a distance, Renee observes Maxine emerging from the clinic.

Maxine is in tears.

Rene catches up to Maxine.

RENEE

Are you okay, Maxie?

MAXINE

Yeah, I’m fine.

RENEE

Are you sure?

MAXINE

Of course, I’m sure.

RENEE

Then why were you crying?

(beat)

You’re pregnant, aren’t you?

MAXINE

No, Renee. I am not.

RENEE

Then why that place? You know it’s forbidden.

MAXINE

Because they have a female doctor.

RENEE

So why’s that important?

MAXINE

If you like some strange man poking around in… well that’s up to you.

RENEE

He’s a Doctor, Maxie.

MAXINE

Fine. I don’t trust him.

RENEE

What are you saying? Are you –?

RENEE

Oh, please, Renee. Give it up.

RENEE

Well, Pastor Jim Bob says —

MAXINE

Dam it, Renee. Okay, if you must know. It was Pastor Jim Bob that – never mind. I didn’t say that.

RENEE

Oh, no. Sweet Jesus, no.

MAXINE

I give up. Can you keep a secret?

RENEE

You have to ask?

MAXINE

Well, yeah. This is personal.

RENEE

I won’t tell a soul. You can trust me on this.

MAXINE

It’s just… I’ve been told I can’t have any children.

RENEE

(gasps)

I am so sorry. I know you wanted —

MAXINE

It’s what it is, Renee. I’ll just have to live with it.

RENEE

I’ll pray for you. Someday… you will have a family. I just know it.

MAXINE

Thank you, Renee.

LATER

PASTOR JIM BOB, (36), is a jovial, clean-cut, pastor-type person.

Renee punches numbers into her cell phone.

INTERCUT — TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

RENEE

Pastor? This is Rene.

PASTOR

Yes?

RENEE

I just saw Maxine leaving Planned Parenthood. She was crying.

PASTOR

Why?

RENEE

She said it was because the Doctor said she couldn’t have children.

PASTOR

Why?

RENEE

I don’t know. I don’t believe her. What shall I do?

PASTOR

Nothing. I’ll talk with her.

END OF PHONE CONVERSATION

LATER

Maxine has taken a seat on a park bench near the playground. Watches the children play.

Pastor Jim Bob joins her – sits a bit far from her.

PASTOR

Renee called me. She said she saw you leaving Planned Parenthood… crying.

MAXINE

She told you that? She promised she would keep it a secret.

PASTOR

Maybe she needs to be taught a lesson.

MAXINE

Yes. She’s too nosey.

Pastor scoots close to Maxine, puts his arms around her, and kisses her in a meaningful way.

PASTOR

There. That should confuse her.

Maxine laughs.

In the distance, Renee is seen running away, horrified.

PASTOR

So why were you crying?

MAXINE

Oh, Bobby. I was just so happy, after all those former diagnoses —

PASTOR

Maxine – Sweetheart –?

MAXINE

Yes, my husband —

Maxine pulls a wedding band out of her purse.

MAXINE

— I’m ready to wear this now. And yes. I am pregnant.

Maxine cries again – for happy.

Pastor places the ring on her finger where it belongs.

PASTOR

You’re okay with this, now?

MAXINE

Yes. I’m sorry for being so paranoid, before.

PASTOR

Maybe it’s time to tell the world, then.

[Alfred Dunham]

My bad. I did not make it clear enough that this is ONE scene. [see David Trottier’s texts in The Screenwriter’s Bible on moving through different settings within the same scene]. Planned Parenthood is near the park; Renee is in the park; she speaks with Maxine in the park; she calls the Pastor from the park; Maxine stays in the park; the Pastor appears and joins Maxine in the park; and Renee is still in the park hiding (sort of) and sees the whole thing with the Pastor and Maxine — and of course, she misreads everything (which is what prissy prudes do).

[Alfred Dunham]

Lesson 16 Exchange

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing —

1. There are two elements to writing that are needed to make a great story: Structure and Technique. The “house” may be built strong and solid, but if it isn’t interesting, it’s not going to sell. Ditto for writing.

2. I’ve spent so much time trying to perfect the structure of my scripts, I’ve largely missed dressing them up and making them interesting. My greatest successes have been with the ones that were true or nearly true.

3. So, there’s the subtext bit already built into the inherently interesting characters. This course is helping me put all the puzzle pieces together — and break down my fear of producers.

4. I’m amazed at how many Interest Techniques I was able to squeeze into this scene without it looking and sounding “cornball.”

LOGLINE

Two polar-opposite individuals are ordered to work together on a project that ends in chaos.

ESSENCE:

Solidarity in the face of chaos

SCENE ARC:

From being forced together to:

Making a total mess out of the situation.

1. Nancy and Squire are ordered to work together.

2. Nancy and Squire argue over everything.

3. With their assignment in chaos, they make up.

NANCY: Traits

confrontational, stubborn, scheming, caring.

NANCY: Subtext

Nancy is a scheming lady who is covertly competitive with peers.

SQUIRE: Traits

evasive, selfish, happy-go-lucky, seductive.

SQUIRE: Subtext

Squire is a seductive guy who uses his charm to control others.

SCENE: Squire and Nancy – Second Draft

INT. PET STORE – DAY

A new pet store, Pet City, is scheduled to open in a couple of weeks, but the animals are still being housed in a state of total disarray.

The Manager has called Nancy and Squire into her office.

MANAGER

I need to run to the bank, so I’m leaving you two in charge while I’m gone.

NANCY AND SQUIRE

(simultaneously)

Yes, Ma’am.

MANAGER

Nancy, you seem to have an ordered, caring mind. I’d like for you to oversee the complete arranging of the pet quarters.

Nancy glances at Squire with her well-practiced air of superiority.

MANAGER

(to Squire)

And you, Squire, seem to be the helpful type, so I want you to assist Nancy with the moving and setup.

Squire just smiles and nods in approval.

MANAGER

Good. Go to it, then.

THE BACK AND EAST SIDES OF THE STORE

NANCY

I think it will be cool to arrange the animals Biblically. The manager will be certain to notice.

SQUIRE

Say what?

NANCY

You know, the fishes first and then the reptiles and birds — and cats and dogs.

SQUIRE

So which came first – dogs or cats?

NANCY

Cats, of course.

SQUIRE

Why cats?

NANCY

Cats are considered more female-like, and dogs are considered more male-like.

SQUIRE

Well, there goes your scheme, then. The way I heard it, Adam came first.

NANCY

Well, they got it wrong.

Squire laughs.

SQUIRE

That’s nuts.

NANCY

Have you never heard of parthenogenesis?

SQUIRE

What’s that?

NANCY

Virgin birth. Females don’t need males to reproduce – quite common in many animals.

SQUIRE

So where’s the fun in that?

NANCY

Never mind.

SQUIRE

And you still plan to put the cats and dogs together?

NANCY

Of course. Kind of natural, don’t you think?

SQUIRE

You’ll be s-o-r-r-y!

Squire reaches out and fondles Nancy’s hair.

NANCY

Squire! What the hell are you doing?

SQUIRE

Your hair is just as soft as it looks.

NANCY

I know. So stop it. You already have a wife.

SQUIRE

No, I don’t.

NANCY

Then where’d your kid come from?

SQUIRE

Maybe that thing you said?

NANCY

(disgusted)

Nice try. Nope. He looks like you, not her.

SQUIRE

Very well, but you’re missing out on all the fun.

NANCY

Want me to tell your – whatever – what you’re up to?

SQUIRE

Ahh—

NANCY

Yeah, and then who will be missing out on all the fun?

SQUIRE

If that’s the way you’re going to be about it. Never mind.

NANCY

Squire, you’re a pervert. Just move the damn fish tanks over there against the wall.

SQUIRE

Why there?

NANCY

Because I say so.

SQUIRE

Okay, but you don’t have to be so snarky about it. What’s in it for me?

LATER

The reptiles, rodents, and birds have been moved into place against the east wall, along with the fish tanks.

Squire is filling one of the tanks with filtered water, via a long hose.

Nancy is busy with the cats and dogs. But having the cats that close to the dogs is not working out well.

Nancy screams —

NANCY

Squire, come help me; the dogs are out.

Squire races to Nancy who is desperately trying to round up the dogs who have escaped their enclosure.

Some of the dogs have found the cat cages and have knocked them over.

Some of the cats have also gotten loose and are now being chased around the store by dogs.

LATER

One by one, Squire has managed to chase down and return the dogs to their now reinforced enclosure. But the fish tank has overflowed.

Squire rushes to turn off the water. It’s too late.

Bags of dog food on the floor are soaking up the water.

Bird cages have been overturned, letting the birds out, and one unperturbed cat is perched atop a bird cage finishing its finch dinner.

Nancy screams again —

NANCY

Where’s Kaa?

SQUIRE

Who is Kaa?

NANCY

The snake, you idiot.

SQUIRE

You’re afraid of snakes?

NANCY

Yes.

SQUIRE

You work in a pet store, and you’re afraid of snakes?

NANCY

Yes, yes, yes… just find that evil thing.

Squire’s shoes are already wet, but he moves things around – searches.

SQUIRE

Are you afraid of mice, too?

Nancy’s face goes pale.

NANCY

I hate mice.

SQUIRE

Good news. I found Kaa. He’s in the mouse cage.

(beat)

Bad news —

NANCY

Oh, God, no.

SQUIRE

When Kaa figured out how to open the mouse cage, he let all the mice out… well, all but one.

A mouse tail hangs out one side of Kaa’s mouth.

Nancy cries

LATER

Even with all the animals rounded up and returned to their cages and pens, the store is in chaos. Hundreds of dollars of product sit on the wet floor, ruined.

Nancy sits on an overturned cage – still cries.

NANCY

I’m so sorry I got you into this mess, Squire.

Squire sits down beside her and puts an arm around her.

SQUIRE

(chuckles)

So am I.

Nancy looks at Squire – laughs – wraps both arms around him – continues to laugh.

One can hear the front door open… close.

MANAGER (O.S.)

Shrieks.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham – Lesson 15

LOGLINE:

Two polar-opposite individuals are ordered to work together on a project that ends in chaos.

ESSENCE:

Solidarity in the face of chaos

SCENE ARC:

From being forced together to:

Making a total mess out of the situation.

1. Nancy and Squire are ordered to work together.

2. Nancy and Squire argue over everything.

3. With their assignment in chaos, they make up.

NANCY: Traits

confrontational, stubborn, scheming, caring.

NANCY: Subtext

Nancy is a scheming lady who is covertly competitive with peers.

Subtext 2 – Nancy has done some short-term jail time for trying to setup a small-potatoes Ponzi-like scheme.

SQUIRE: Traits

evasive, selfish, happy-go-lucky, seductive.

SQUIRE: Subtext

Squire is a seductive guy who uses his charm to control others.

Subtext 2 — Squire has an illegitimate child, which he uses as leverage to get whatever he wants – i.e., he controls the mother.

SCENE: Squire and Nancy – Second Draft

INT. PET STORE – DAY

A new pet store, Pet City, is scheduled to open in a couple of weeks, but the animals are still being housed in a state of total disarray.

The Manager has called Nancy and Squire into her office.

MANAGER

I need to run to the bank, so I’m leaving you two in charge while I’m gone.

NANCY AND SQUIRE

(simultaneously)

Yes, Ma’am.

MANAGER

Nancy, you seem to have an ordered, caring mind. I’d like for you to oversee the complete arranging of the pet quarters.

Nancy glances at Squire with her well-practiced air of superiority.

MANAGER

(to Squire)

And you, Squire, seem to be the helpful type, so I want you to assist Nancy with the moving and setup.

Squire just smiles and nods in approval.

MANAGER

Good. Go to it, then.

THE BACK AND EAST SIDES OF THE STORE

NANCY

I think it will be cool to arrange the animals Biblically. The manager will be certain to notice.

SQUIRE

Say what?

NANCY

You know, the fishes first and then the reptiles and birds — and cats and dogs.

SQUIRE

So which came first – dogs or cats?

NANCY

Cats, of course.

SQUIRE

Why cats?

NANCY

Cats are considered more female-like, and dogs are considered more male-like.

SQUIRE

Well, there goes your scheme, then. The way I heard it, Adam came first.

NANCY

Well, they got it wrong.

Squire laughs.

SQUIRE

That’s nuts.

NANCY

Have you never heard of parthenogenesis?

SQUIRE

What’s that?

NANCY

Virgin birth. Females don’t need males to reproduce – quite common in many animals.

SQUIRE

So where’s the fun in that?

NANCY

Never mind.

SQUIRE

And you still plan to put the cats and dogs together?

NANCY

Of course. Kind of natural, don’t you think?

SQUIRE

You’ll be s-o-r-r-y!

Squire reaches out and fondles Nancy’s hair.

NANCY

Squire! What the hell are you doing?

SQUIRE

Your hair is just as soft as it looks.

NANCY

I know. So stop it. You already have a wife.

SQUIRE

No, I don’t.

NANCY

Then where’d your kid come from?

SQUIRE

Maybe that thing you said?

NANCY

(disgusted)

Nice try. Nope. He looks like you, not her.

SQUIRE

Very well, but you’re missing out on all the fun.

NANCY

Want me to tell your – whatever – what you’re up to?

SQUIRE

Ahh—

NANCY

Yeah, and then who will be missing out on all the fun?

SQUIRE

If that’s the way you’re going to be about it. Never mind.

NANCY

Squire, you’re a pervert. Just move the damn fish tanks over there against the wall.

SQUIRE

Why there?

NANCY

Because I say so.

SQUIRE

Okay, but you don’t have to be so snarky about it. What’s in it for me?

LATER

The reptiles, rodents, and birds have been moved into place against the east wall, along with the fish tanks.

Squire is filling one of the tanks with filtered water, via a long hose.

Nancy is busy with the cats and dogs. But having the cats that close to the dogs is not working out well.

Nancy screams —

NANCY

Squire, come help me; the dogs are out.

Squire races to Nancy who is desperately trying to round up the dogs who have escaped their enclosure.

Some of the dogs have found the cat cages and have knocked them over.

Some of the cats have also gotten loose and are now being chased around the store by dogs.

LATER

One by one, Squire has managed to chase down and return the dogs to their now reinforced enclosure. But the fish tank has overflowed.

Squire rushes to turn off the water. It’s too late.

Bags of dog food on the floor are soaking up the water.

Bird cages have been overturned, letting the birds out, and one unperturbed cat is perched atop a bird cage finishing its finch dinner.

Nancy screams again —

NANCY

Where’s Kaa?

SQUIRE

Who is Kaa?

NANCY

The snake, you idiot.

SQUIRE

You’re afraid of snakes?

NANCY

Yes.

SQUIRE

You work in a pet store, and you’re afraid of snakes?

NANCY

Yes, yes, yes… just find the evil thing.

Squire’s shoes are already wet, but he moves things around – searches.

SQUIRE

Are you afraid of mice, too?

Nancy’s face goes pale.

NANCY

I hate mice.

SQUIRE

Good news. I found Kaa. He’s in the mouse cage.

(beat)

Bad news.

NANCY

Oh, God, no.

SQUIRE

When he figured out how to open the mouse cage, he let all the mice get out… well, all but one.

A mouse tail hangs out one side of Kaa’s mouth.

LATER

Even with all the animals rounded up and returned to their cages and pens, the store is in chaos. Hundreds of dollars of product sit on the wet floor, ruined.

Nancy sits on a still overturned cage – cries.

NANCY

I’m so sorry I got you into this, Squire.

Squire sits down beside her and puts an arm around her.

SQUIRE

(chuckles)

So am I.

Nancy laughs – wraps both arms around Squire – continues to laugh.

One can hear the front door open… close.

MANAGER (O.S.)

Shrieks.

[Alfred Dunham]

I just thought you should know. I liked your theme. I used to go to Cal Tech when I was working on my Ph.D. in molecular genetics. ‘Met a lot of interesting people there. Not everyone likes the seamy, one-dimensional movies that are rampant. I want to feel informed and encouraged to think.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham – Lesson 14 – QE Cycle 3

LOGLINE:

Two polar-opposite individuals are ordered to work together on a project that ends in chaos.

ESSENCE:

Solidarity in the face of chaos

SCENE ARC:

From being forced together to:

Making a total mess out of the situation.

1. Nancy and Squire are ordered to work together.

2. Nancy and Squire argue over everything.

3. With their assignment in chaos, they make up.

NANCY: Traits

confrontational, stubborn, scheming, caring.

NANCY: Subtext

Nancy is a scheming lady who is covertly competitive with peers.

Subtext 2 – Nancy has done some short-term jail time for trying to setup a small-potatoes Ponzi-like scheme.

SQUIRE: Traits

evasive, selfish, happy-go-lucky, seductive.

SQUIRE: Subtext

Squire is a seductive guy who uses his charm to control others.

Subtext 2 — Squire has an illegitimate child, which he uses as leverage to get whatever he wants – i.e., he controls the mother.

SCENE: Squire and Nancy – First Draft (Hemmingway’s “shit draft”)

INT. PET STORE – DAY

A new pet store, Pet City, is scheduled to open in a couple of weeks, but the animals are still being housed in a state of total disarray.

The Manager has called Nancy and Squire into her office.

MANAGER

(to Nancy)

Nancy, you seem to have an ordered, caring mind. I want you to oversee arranging the pet quarters.

Nancy glances at Squire with her well-practiced air of superiority.

MANAGER

(to Squire)

And you, Squire, I want you to help Nancy with the moving and setup.

Squire just smiles and nods in approval.

MANAGER

Good. Go to it.

THE BACK AND EAST SIDES OF THE STORE

NANCY

I think it would be cool to arrange the animals Biblically.

SQUIRE

Say what?

NANCY

You know, the fishes first and then the reptiles and birds —

SQUIRE

So which came first – dogs or cats?

NANCY

Cats, of course.

SQUIRE

Why cats?

NANCY

Cats are considered more female-like, and dogs are considered more male-like.

SQUIRE

Well, there goes your scheme. The way I heard it, Adam came first.

NANCY

Well, they got that wrong.

Squire laughs.

NANCY

You’ve never heard of parthenogenesis?

SQUIRE

What’s that?

NANCY

Females don’t need males to reproduce.

SQUIRE

So what’s the fun in that?

Squire fondles Nancy’s hair.

NANCY

Squire! What are you doing?

SQUIRE

Your hair is so soft and nice —

NANCY

Well, don’t. You already have a wife.

SQUIRE

No, I don’t.

NANCY

Then where’d your kid come from?

SQUIRE

Maybe that thing you said?

NANCY

(disgusted)

Nope. He looks like you, not her.

SQUIRE

Very well, but you’re missing out on all the fun.

NANCY

You’re a pervert. Just move the damned fish tanks over there, against the wall.

SQUIRE

Why?

NANCY

Because I say so.

SQUIRE

Okay, but you don’t have to be so snarky about it. What’s in it for me?

LATER

The reptiles, rodents, and birds have been moved into place against the east wall, along with the fish tanks.

And Squire is filling one of the tanks with filtered water, via a long hose.

Nancy is busy with the cats and dogs. But having the cats that close to the dogs has not worked out well.

Nancy screams —

NANCY

Squire, come help me; the dogs are out.

Squire races to Nancy who is desperately trying to round up the dogs who have escaped their enclosure.

Some of the dogs have found the cat cages and have knocked them over. Some of the cats have also gotten loose and are now being chased around the store by dogs.

LATER

One by one, Squire has managed to chase down and return the dogs to their reinforced enclosure. But the fish tank has overflowed.

Squire rushes to turn off the water.

Bags of dog food are soaking up the water.

Bird cages have been overturned, letting the birds out, and one unperturbed cat is perched atop a bird cage finishing its finch dinner.

Nancy screams again —

NANCY

Where’s Kaa?

SQUIRE

You mean, the snake?

NANCY

Yes. Kaa.

Squire searches, his shoes wet, and finds Kaa in one of the rodent pens.

Kaa has managed to open the door to the mouse cage and let the mice out – well, all but one. Only its tail can be seen.

LATER

Even with all the animals rounded up and returned to their cages/pens, the store is in chaos. Hundreds of dollars of product sit on the wet floor, ruined.

Nancy sits on a still overturned cage – cries.

Squire sits down beside her and puts an arm around her.

SQUIRE

I’m sorry, Nancy.

Nancy wraps both arms around Squire – continues to cry.

NANCY

So am I.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham – Max Interest 2

What have I learned that is improving my writing?

1 From the last assignment, Scene 13 has become Scene 15, a very short Scene 16 was added and Scene 14 has become Scene 17.

2 I really didn’t know how I was going to improve these scenes, but once I started, it was easy. Just being aware that I can do this is very stimulating.

ESSENCE OF SCENE

Jake’s and Raisa’s selfless love for each other

NEW INTEREST TECHNIQUES USED

1 Dilemma – Bubba, the Antagonist, must choose between revenge and getting out of prison.

2 Predictions – Jake and Raisa both predict that they will marry if she’s allowed to stay in the U.S. and also, Jake will see to the daughter’s education.

3 Creating a Future — If Bubba agrees with Jake and Raisa, the café will be remodeled, and he and Raisa will become business partners.

4 Anticipatory Dialogue — Jake makes it clear that if Bubba refuses to work with them, he WILL sue for attempted murder.

5. Uncomfortable Moment — Elias, the attorney, is forced to ask Raisa some personal questions about her marriage to Bubba – In front of Jake.

INT. CAFÉ – CONTINUOUS

Jake has finished his simple lunch, and —

Raisa clears the table.

The Café is still posted as closed.

Bubba’s attorney arrives – knocks on the door.

Raisa answers —

RAISA

This way, Sir. Doctor Dunsmore is over here.

Raisa guides the attorney to Jake’s booth.

ELIAS KNAPPER, ATTORNEY AT LAW, (40-something), in his clichéd dark suit and tie, looks out of place in Bubba’s tattered café.

Jake grimaces as he motions to the attorney —

JAKE

I’d shake hands if it didn’t hurt so much. But, please have a seat. I’m Doctor Dunsmore.

The rather grim-faced attorney, slips into the booth on the opposite side of the table, facing Jake.

ELIAS

I’m Elias Knapper. I’ve been appointed to represent Ian McBride.

JAKE

Yes. Thank you for coming here. I’m a bit limited at the moment.

ELIAS

Yes, I can see that. Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

JAKE

Can Raisa get you some coffee?

(chuckles)

Hers is much better than Ian’s.

Jake motions with his hand toward Raisa, and Elias turns to look at her again.

ELIAS

Yes. I would appreciate that.

Raisa rushes off to the kitchen.

JAKE

So, Mister Knapper, where are we with Ian – Bubba, around here?

ELIAS

Call me, Elias..

JAKE

Yes. Good. And I’m Jake. You can forget the doctor nonsense. I rather tire of it.

Elias smiles and opens his satchel.

ELIAS

Ian, Bubba as you call him, is demanding a cease and desist order.

JAKE

Is that wise?

ELIAS

He wants the premises vacated.

JAKE

Yes. I understand that, but who will pay the bills?

ELIAS

I am not sure of your implications.

JAKE

Bubba was just out with a broken arm, and Raisa kept his place open.

Raisa returns with Elias’ cup of coffee.

RAISA

Cream – sugar?

ELIAS

No, I like it black. Thank you.

JAKE

See. Raisa is fully competent enough to run this place by herself. She’s proven that.

Elias sips his coffee – looks up a Raisa.

ELIAS

Good coffee.

(to Jake)

I can see that.

JAKE

And she needs the job.

ELIAS

Makes sense to me.

JAKE

Closed, the cafe is a drain on both Bubba’s and Raisa’s incomes. Open, they both win.

ELIAS

I’ll present that option to him. But there is the other issue.

JAKE

Yes. That depends on Bubba and his level of hostility.

ELIAS

Which is to say –?

JAKE

(to Raisa)

To possibly protect you in court, later, could you go outside and allow us to talk in private?

RAISA

Yes. I can do that.

Raisa leaves.

EXT. CAFÉ – DAY

Raisa ambles down the boardwalk – watches the tide go out again – an offshore wind blows her lovely hair – she is, in fact, every bit as beautiful as Jake thinks she is.

INT. CAFÉ – DAY

Alone, Elias and Jake ponder the possible outcomes of all the lives involved.

ELIAS

Why did you do that?

JAKE

We both know why. This discussion is off the books, so let’s be brutally honest with each other.

Elias closes his satchel and puts away his pen.

ELIAS

Yes, let’s. Mister McBride is in big-time trouble, so let’s not waste each other’s time playing cat and mouse.

JAKE

I agree. I don’t know what Bubba has told you, so let me fill you in on my thoughts and feelings.

ELIAS

Yes. Please do.

JAKE

I came here one morning for coffee. I was cold. The coffee was rancid and almost un-drinkable.

ELIAS

Yes?

JAKE

What I found, instead, was Raisa – a woman, with a teenage daughter, brought to this country under false pretenses.

ELIAS

Ian has not mentioned any of this to me.

JAKE

He wouldn’t. He has her trapped and treats her like trash. He’s married to her, but only on paper. What he’s doing is illegal. She’s his virtual slave – pays her barely enough to stay alive. Even with her daughter’s work, it’s inadequate. There’s no future for either of them. This irked me, and I rebuked him. The truth about Raisa and me came out, and he got angry and stabbed me.

ELIAS

He says you attacked him.

JAKE

Ask Raisa. I never touched him. He was the one with the chef’s knife.

ELIAS

Do you think he meant to stab you?

JAKE

If he’s willing to work with Raisa and me – take some anger management classes, no, I don’t.

ELIAS

And if he refuses.

JAKE

The answer is, yes. He meant to kill me to hide his immigration secret.

ELIAS

There’s more to this, isn’t there?

JAKE

Much more. I’m nineteen years older than Raisa, but who cares. I’m in love with her. I admit it.

ELIAS

Does she know this?

JAKE

Yes, but to what extent, I don’t know for sure. She has a daughter who’s interested in law.

ELIAS

And you intend to help the daughter in some way?

JAKE

Something like that, but I’ve come to love her mother. I’d do anything for her.

ELIAS

I see why you wanted to discuss this in private.

JAKE

I do not want anyone to feel pressured into anything.

ELIAS

So what do you feel would be a fair settlement?

JAKE

On his own, Bubba will destroy this place. He has almost done so, already. He and Raisa need to be equal business partners. He needs her to help him build this place back up. His poor self-image is killing him.

ELIAS

That and anger management… sounds reasonable to me. He has no priors.

JAKE

But what happens to Raisa and her daughter, Nadia?

ELIAS

You really care about them, don’t you?

JAKE

Yes, Elias. I really do. I’d be a genuine husband to her if she’d have me.

ELIAS

I’m not an immigration lawyer, but surely something can be worked out, especially if she’s in political danger.

JAKE

In sending them back to Russia – there will be no winners.

ELIAS

Yes. Let me run this by Ian and see what he does with it.

JAKE

Thank you. Nobody needs to get hurt, further. I don’t hold grudges.

ELIAS

Thank you. You seem like a reasonable man.

Elias closes his satchel and stands as if to leave, but walks to the door and calls Raisa back —

ELIAS

Miss Galkin, you can come back, now.

LATER

Elias sits back down in the booth and Raisa stands at the end of the table.

Elias addresses Raisa —

ELIAS

Why did you agree to Mister McBride’s offer of a sham marriage? That was foolish.

RAISA

I didn’t know what else to do. I was afraid for my daughter’s life. I had to get her out of Russia.

ELIAS

Did you at any time live with Ian?

RAISA

Never. The minute we got here, he dumped us in a rat-infested apartment complex.

ELIAS

I do not like asking this, but are you romantically involved with Doctor Dunsmore?

Raisa cries.

RAISA

Yes. I am. I love him like I’ve never loved anyone before.

ELIAS

Truthfully?

RAISA

If you only knew —

ELIAS

And if you didn’t have to marry him to stay in America –?

RAISA

I’d still want to.

JAKE

Raisa?

RAISA

I love you, Jake. To hell with laws and threats and God knows what else – I love you.

JAKE

Then, marry me?

RAISA

You’d better believe I will – if they’ll let me.

ELIAS

I don’t know what else to say. You two really do love each other, don’t you?

JAKE

Yes, Elias. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.

ELIAS

And the daughter?

JAKE

The biggest mistake in my life – not having children. I look forward to having a daughter.

ELIAS

I’ll do my best, but this will still be messy – and expensive.

JAKE

I understand.

Elias stands —

ELIAS

I’ll let myself out.

JAKE

Thank you, Elias.

RAISA

Thank you, Sir.

Elias leaves.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham – Challenging Situations

What have I learned that is improving my writing?

1. I found this process deeply uncomfortable, yet I have to admit that these are exactly the kinds of scenes I’m drawn to.

2. I got some really bad advice, once, on Coverage. I was told that my script was too violent, yet John Wick is 20 times more violent, and they continue to produce Wick films. I was also told that a school bully who got beat up wouldn’t hold a grudge for 10-15 years. I guess they never watch the news. My biggest impediment has been in writing “nice guy” scripts, and I need to stop that. The guy might be a nice guy but with a past. I need to not be afraid to expose his other face.

What is the overfall Journey my Main Character/Protagonist is on?

1. Jake has lost his wife.  There is a huge hole left in his life.  He has regrets which he had planned to compensate for, but now he can’t.  The life he thought he had, is gone; and he’s beginning to think that maybe it’s over – until he meets Raisa.  She changes everything.

2. He has a new overall GOAL of being a part of Raisa’s life in any way he can.

3. He feels the NEED for simple communication, approval, and if he’s lucky, love.

4.  Jake was a physician, so he VALUES being of help to others – and, perhaps the praise that goes with it.

5. His WOUND is his great loss, combined with his regrets for many of his minor losses – family.

6. His PHYSICAL loss is, literally, his age.

Scene 1:

Script Scene 12, Page 29 — INT. CAFÉ TABLE – DAY

Jake, the great independent physician, has just been released from the hospital following surgery, after having been stabbed by Raisa’s boss, in Act 1. He is now completely at Raisa’s mercy to take care of him until he heals. That’s difficult for him.

A.  Goal            Jakes goal is to help Raisa and her daughter at all costs.

B.  Needs         Jake needs to heal before he can do much else, but his need of Raisa is clear.

C.  Values         His values have not changed.  He still has the urge to help/heal.

D.  Wound       His wound is quite literal, now, as well as emotional.

E.  Physical      There is not much Jake can physically do, so he must rely on his mind.

A.  Current Scene Logline:

                            Jake is in deep trouble via Raisa’s troubles, and he must find a way past it.

B.  Essence:

                            Jakes deep LOVE for Raisa drives him to attempt the impossible.

C.  Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

                            1. Raisa and her daughter will be sent back to Russia unless he finds a way to save her.

                            2. Even if he does find a way, he may have to settle for “friendship.”

                            3. Best scenario, he keeps her in the U.S. and they eventually marry.

D.  Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.

                       1. As they work their way through the immediate problems, they begin to drop more and better hints of their feelings for each other.

                       2. Ian/Bubba makes it clear that he’s out for revenge, even though he’s the “perp.”.

Scene 2:

Script Scene 14, Page 34 – INT. CAFÉ TABLE – CONTINUOUS

Jake’s attacker and Antagonist, Ian/Bubba, is in prison. But he owns the Café and [even though his marriage is an illegal sham] he is married to Raisa. Out of revenge, he’s willing to destroy the Café and send Raisa back to Russia. However, Jake holds the keys to his jail cell. Bubba did stab Jake, and he has violated immigration laws. He’s in big-time trouble.

A.  Goal            Jakes goal is to make everyone a winner.

B.  Needs         He needs Raisa free, and to do that, he needs for Ian/Bubba to be set free.

C.  Values         He values in a stacked, ethical manner, i.e. Ian deserves a chance, but not at Raisa’s expense.

D.  Wound       Jakes’ emotional wound has been made worse, having reduced him to patient status.

E.  Physical      Jakes options are limited.

A.  Current Scene Logline:

                            Ian/Bubba is bent on revenge.  Jake must convince his lawyer that that is not a good idea.

B.  Essence:

                            Jake understands that this is about SURVIVAL for everyone involved.

C.  Brainstorm list of possible challenges.

                            1. Raisa may be willingly to try to sacrifice herself for her daughter and Jake.

                            2. Ian/Bubba may refuse all offers, in favor of revenge.

                            3. The attorney may decide to not help – just let things slide through court.

D.  Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.

                            1. Jake needs to square with Raisa about his feelings for her.

                            2. Jake must convince the attorney that this is a worthy cause, despite Bubba’s nonsense.

[Alfred Dunham]

Title: (Alfred Dunham) Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…

1. It appears that I have not fully understood Essence, Traits, Subtext, and Character Arc; and how they fit together. It’s an easy thing to jot down a list of four character traits, but do they really fit the Character, or much more to the point, mesh together. While Change Characters change, and Steadfast Characters do not change, in truth, all characters have Character Arcs that show change. It depends on how we define Change and Steadfast. Change implies a change in the Character’s “character,” but there are changes in both Change and Steadfast Characters that refer to changes in perspective, knowledge, and/or understanding, not “character.”

2. Somehow, it seems to me, we need to incorporate the trait changes from before and after, because the subtext is demanding it. And that’s not always easy to do. Jake (below) has to reflect both the traits that guided him into medicine and their shift to their current state (something I have not been doing). Jake is authoritative. He sets rules, but he has come to regret some of those “rules.” Bubba was a smart-ass know-it-all, but life has backed him into a corner, and he’s become a self-centered loner (a jerk), as he continues to try and justify himself.

3. I’ve changed each character’s traits several times, and I’m still not sure I got them right. As I write, better terms pop up that feel better. For example, Jake’s trait of Dominant was Changed to Authoritative. That leaves more room, as I see it, for him to be willing to “listen” to other points of view. For Raisa, I changed Angry to Seething as she keeps her anger under control most of the time. And so forth—

4. Furthermore, I tried to make sure these changes were keyed with their subtexts.

5. I think I’m becoming more sensitive to these connections. [I hope]

Profile Set 1

Subjective Main Character [also the Objective Protagonist Character]

Joseph (Jake) Dunsmore, (68).

Traits: Ethical, Caring, Pensive, Authoritative

Subtext: Jake gave up much to reach his goal of becoming a doctor, and now he wonders if he gave up too much.

Essence: Jake’s consuming loneliness.

Logline: An aging doctor yearns for the close human companionship he’s grown to love, but his wife is dead; now and now, the world also seems monotonously dead.

Subjective Conflict (Influence/Impact) Character [also the Objective Guardian Character]

Raisa Galkin, (49).

Traits: Cheerful, Submissive, Self-loathing, Angry

Subtext: Raisa is a Russian immigrant who does not want to be swen3t back, so she reluctantly puts up with the abuse.

Essence: Raisa’s “hope button” is pushed.

Logline: An abused and weary waitress meets a customer who instills a new sense of hope and self-respect in her, even as her boss seeks to keep her in line.

Objective Antagonist Character

Ian (Bubba) McBride, III, (55).

Traits: Arrogant, Critical, Loner, Self-centered

Subtext: Bubba’s youth has caught up with him, and he is forced to face the truth.

Essence: Self.

Logline: An aging know-it-all has become a consummate loser.

Profile Set 2

Subjective Main [also the Objective Protagonist] Character [the “Luke Skywalker-like Character”]

Joseph (Jake) Dunsmore, (68).

Jake’s Function is to Consider and to Pursue the Story Goal.

Traits: Ethical, Caring, Penitent, Authoritative

Subtext: Jake gave up much to reach his goal of becoming a doctor, and now he wonders if he gave up too much.

Essence: Jake’s consuming grief and loneliness are destroying him.

Logline: An aging doctor yearns for the close human companionship he’s grown to love, but his wife is dead, and the world has come to seem monotonous and dead, too.

Subjective Conflict (Influence/Impact) [also the Objective Guardian] Character [the “Obi-Wan Kenobi-like” Character.]

Raisa Galkin, (49).

Raisa’s Function is to Deliver on Conscience and to Help Jake reach the Story Goal.

Traits: Gregarious, Submissive, Fearful, Seething

Subtext: Raisa grew up in Russia, and tried to mind her own business until her husband was killed. She then became a seething malcontent and barely escaped to America.

Essence: Raisa’s hope for a better life is renewed.

Logline: An abused and weary waitress meets a customer who instills a new sense of hope and self-respect in her, even as her boss seeks to keep her in line.

Objective Antagonist Character [the “Sith-like” Character] from the Over All Objective Story.

Ian (Bubba) McBride, III, (55).

Bubba’s Function is to Reconsider the Story Goal and to Prevent Jake from reaching his.

Traits: Arrogant, Critical, Loner, Self-centered

Subtext: Bubba is a high school dropout who thought he was king of the hill, but life has proven otherwise, driving him into an unfilled corner of disillusionment and paranoia.

Essence: Bubba can’t seem to get past his misguided sense of self-importance.

Logline: An arrogant young man takes on life and discovers he’s become, instead, a loser.

[Alfred Dunham]

LESSON 10

LOGLINE: Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?

ESSENCE: Survival

SITUATION: Two double agents are pitted against each other to see who is loyal to the U.S.

SCENE ARC: John and Nick meet on the brink of Crooks Peak; they play cat and mouse, they get serious, Nick pulls a knife, and John falls backward off the brink and disappears. The entire incident is being filmed from Mt. Whitney.

LOGLINE:

Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?

ESSENCE:

Survival, both in the personal sense and in the sense of country.

SCENE: JOHN AND NICK MEET ON CROOKS PEAK

SITUATION:

A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.

SCENE ARC:

From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.

JOHN: THE GOOD GUY

TRAITS

Daring/Distrustful/Loyal/Loner

Subtext:

John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.

NICK: THE BAD GUY

TRAITS

Confident/Conniving/Rebellious/Giving

Subtext:

Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.

EXT. CROOKS PEAK – DAY

From a trail on the western side of the peak —

INSERT – TRAIL SIGN, which reads –

“CROOKS PEAK/14,179 ft.”

BACK TO SCENE

Crooks Peak is seen to be the middle needle of a three-needle grouping, each with the surface appearance of a narrow slice of pizza strewn with large, flat, talus-like sheets of rock – their toppings.

Between the needles, there are yawing, precipitous gaps, leaving the needle-points dangerously exposed – not for the faint of heart.

JOHN DAVIS, (45), is a CIA double operative who lives in secret, which suits his personality well. He’s also a seasoned rock climber and mountaineer, but who would know? He doesn’t say much. His CIA assignment is to test Nick’s loyalty.

John sits with his back to the three ragged boulders that make up the peak’s ultimate point.

He’s wearing a helmet and climber’s harness.

While the western side of the peak appears to be a gentle slope, the eastern scarp faces are another story. They are disturbing in their near two thousand feet of vertical drop.

John has tethered himself to a several-ton, spindle-shaped chunk of granite with two opposing nylon slings and a length of climbing rope.

He looks terrified and silly, sitting there hooked via carabiners and rope to a large rock – on the sloping side of the crest, no less.

NICK POLANSKI, (48), is an aerospace engineer from Southern California. He is also a double operative, but for which country has come into question? He has been led to believe that the CIA suspects John, and he is to get John to admit to his disloyalty.

From John’s point of view, the figure of a man in a climbing helmet leaves the trail and climbs up the slope toward him. It’s Nick.

His feet seem to be cast in lead as he clomps up the slope, gasping wildly after every three or four steps.

Nick waves to him, and John waves back.

LATER

Nick approaches John, he points to the tether and laughs —

NICK

What the hell is this?

John tries to laugh but complains —

JOHN

Who’s the damned fool who set this meeting up? And why?

NICK

Don’t sweat it. I don’t like heights, either – just sayin’.

(breathless beat)

They told me to wear and look for a man in a climbing helmet, so you must be John?

JOHN

Yes. I’m John. And you must be Nick. So why are we here, then?

NICK

(laughingly)

Probably the only place left, in America, that isn’t bugged.

John forces a chuckle.

JOHN

You’re probably right.

(beat)

So besides that, why are we here?

NICK

You don’t know?

JOHN

Not really. Something about comparing notes on quantum computers.

NICK

Yes. What do you know about them?

JOHN

Precious little.

NICK

Then, indeed, why are we here?

JOHN

To confirm that the Chinese have already incorporated them into their military program?

NICK

(laughs)

Who have you been talking to? They’re years behind us. You are one of us, aren’t you?

JOHN

Us? What do you mean by that?

NICK

If you’re CIA, you should know we’re way ahead of the Chinese.

JOHN

Yeah, but who can we trust these days? The organization is it’s full of moles and double agents and —

NICK

I resent the implications. I do not work for the Chinese while pretending —

JOHN

Resent all you want, but why are we here? One of us has got to be under suspicion. Maybe both of us?

NICK

Well, it sure ain’t me, and the U.S. has nothing to worry about.

JOHN

Well, according to my information, we have lots to worry about.

NICK

Poppycock.

JOHN

Nick, I’ve seen the evidence, first-hand. We most certainly do need to worry.

NICK

No, we don’t.

JOHN

Then, you must be the bad apple, trying to misdirect everyone.

NICK

Why would I do that? I have a wife — a family.

JOHN

Money? Why else do traitors sell themselves out to our enemies?

NICK

Who do you think our enemies are? You’re a total lying knot-head. America is no longer we, the people, and you know more than you’re saying.

JOHN

You really believe that crap, don’t you?

NICK

Of course, I do. Everyone who can, has got their hands in the government till. We’re robbing each other for our own thirty pieces of silver while the weak – the poor – don’t stand a chance.

JOHN

Then correct it, Nick. Don’t finish them off.

NICK

You just don’t get it, do you? I am correcting it.

Nick draws a knife from his cargo pants.

NICK

Nothing personal, John. It’s just about survival.

JOHN

(points to the knife)

What are you going to do with that? You’ll give yourself away.

NICK

No, I won’t. You’re the Chinese agent if I say so – you tried to kill me.

JOHN

Why would I do that?

NICK

Survival.

John stands, but crouched down, as Nick lunges for him, left hand grabbing John’s rope.

John kicks at Nick’s knife-wielding hand, but Nick swings around and slashes at John’s rope above where he is gripping it.

The rope snaps, and Nick kicks John in the chest while still firmly gripping the end of the rope.

John staggers back, falls over the edge – disappears – it’s a long way down.

Nick tries to look over the edge, but the sheer face is so remarkably vertical he can’t see a thing.

Nick gulps, and appears queasy, but rolls up the rope and stuffs the nylon straps into his rucksack.

Nick looks around. He’s the only person in sight.

NICK

(to himself, smiling)

Now that we all think we know who’s who and what’s what, who will ever really know? Screw the U.S.; I’ll tell them what they want to hear.

Nick beats a hasty retreat, down the mountain.

INSERT – THE HUT ATOP MOUNT WHITNEY, a telescopic view which shows –

Slammed against the stone wall of the hut, a man with a high-powered camera that filmed the entire incident.

BACK TO CROOKS PEAK.

NOTE: In a subsequent scene, we will see that John was double roped (from behind), swung around on a hidden predetermined bolt, and landed in a cleft in the rock face. He waits for Nick to leave. John gets his information both directly and indirectly.

[Alfred Dunham]

LESSON 10

LOGLINE: Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?

ESSENCE: Survival

SITUATION: Two double agents are pitted against each other to see who is loyal to the U.S.

SCENE ARC: John and Nick meet on the brink of Crooks Peak; they play cat and mouse, they get serious, Nick pulls a knife, and John falls backward off the brink and disappears. The entire incident is being filmed from Mt. Whitney.

LOGLINE:

Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?

ESSENCE:

Survival, both in the personal sense and in the sense of country.

SCENE: JOHN AND NICK MEET ON CROOKS PEAK

SITUATION:

A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.

SCENE ARC:

From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.

JOHN: THE GOOD GUY

TRAITS

Daring/Distrustful/Loyal/Loner

Subtext:

John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.

NICK: THE BAD GUY

TRAITS

Confident/Conniving/Rebellious/Giving

Subtext:

Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.

EXT. CROOKS PEAK – DAY

Crook’s Peak is the middle needle of a three-needle cluster south of Mount Whitney – the so-called Peaks for Freaks.

It belies the tiny, vegetarian woman in a straw hat for whom the peak was named – Hulda Crooks, a.k.a. Grandma Whitney.

Each needle – Keeler, Crooks, and Third Needle – is a narrow slice of pizza, strewn with large, flat, talus-like sheets of rock – its toppings.

The western slopes seem easy enough, but at fourteen thousand feet, the rarified air makes one’s feet feel like lead.

The eastern faces are another story. They are disturbing in their near two thousand feet of vertical rise.

Between the needles, there are yawing, precipitous gaps, leaving the points dangerously exposed – not for the faint of heart.

JOHN DAVIS (45), is a CIA double operative who lives in secret, which suits his personality well. He’s also a seasoned rock climber and mountaineer, but who would know? He doesn’t say much. His assignment is to test Nick’s loyalty.

John sits with his back to the three ragged boulders that make up the peak’s ultimate point.

He’s wearing a helmet and climber’s harness.

Further, he has tethered himself to a several-ton, spindle-shaped chunk of granite with two opposing nylon slings and a length of climbing rope.

He looks terrified and silly, sitting there hooked via carabiners and rope to a large rock – on the sloping side of the crest, no less.

NICK POLANSKI, (48), is an aerospace engineer from Southern California. He is also a double operative, but for which country has come into question? He has been led to believe that the CIA suspects John, and he is to get John to admit to his disloyalty.

From the Whitney Trail, the figure of a man in a climbing helmet leaves the trail and climbs up the slope toward John.

Nick waves to him, and John waves back.

LATER

As Nick approaches John, he points to the tether and laughs —

NICK

What the hell is this?

John tries to laugh but complains —

JOHN

Who’s the damned fool who set this meeting up? And why?

NICK

Don’t sweat it. I don’t like heights, either – just sayin’.

JOHN

You don’t? So why are we here, then?

NICK

(laughingly)

Probably the only place left, in America, that isn’t bugged.

John forces a chuckle.

JOHN

You’re probably right.

(beat)

So besides that, why are we here?

NICK

You don’t know?

JOHN

Not really. Something about quantum computers.

NICK

Yes. What do you know about them?

JOHN

Precious little.

NICK

Then, indeed, why are we here?

JOHN

To confirm that the Chinese have incorporated them into their military program?

NICK

(laughs)

Who have you been talking to? They’re years behind us. You are one of us, aren’t you?

JOHN

Us? What do you mean by that?

NICK

If you’re CIA, you should know we’re way ahead of the Chinese.

JOHN

Yeah, but who can we trust? The organization is it’s full of moles and double agents and —

NICK

I resent the implications. I do not work for the Chinese while —

JOHN

Resent all you want, but why are we here? One of us has got to be under suspicion. Maybe both of us.

NICK

Well, it sure ain’t me, and the U.S. has nothing to worry about.

JOHN

Well, according to my information, we have lots to worry about.

NICK

Poppycock.

JOHN

Nick, I’ve seen the evidence, first-hand. We most certainly do need to worry.

NICK

No, we don’t.

JOHN

Then, you must be the bad apple, trying to misdirect everyone.

NICK

Why would I do that? I have a wife — a family.

JOHN

Money? Why else do traitors sell themselves out to our enemies?

NICK

Who do you think our enemies are? You’re a total knot-head. America is no longer we, the people.

JOHN

You really believe that, don’t you?

NICK

Of course, I do. Everyone who can, has got their hand in the government till. We’re robbing each other for our own thirty pieces of silver while the weak – the poor – don’t stand a chance.

JOHN

Then correct it, Nick. Don’t finish them off.

NICK

You just don’t get it, do you? I am correcting it.

Nick draws a knife from his cargo pants.

NICK

Nothing personal, John. It’s just about survival.

JOHN

(points to the knife)

What are you going to do with that? You’ll give yourself away.

NICK

No, I won’t. You’re the Chinese agent – you tried to kill me.

JOHN

Why?

NICK

Survival.

John stands, crouched down, as Nick lunges for him, left hand grabbing John’s rope.

John kicks at Nick’s knife-wielding hand, but Nick swings around and slashes at John’s rope above where he is gripping it.

The rope snaps, and Nick kicks John in the chest while still firmly gripping the end of the rope.

John staggers back, falls over the edge – disappears – it’s a long way down.

Nick tries to look over the edge, but the sheer face is so remarkably vertical he can’t see a thing.

Nick gulps, and appears queasy, but rolls up the rope and stuffs the nylon straps into his rucksack.

Nick looks around. He’s the only person in sight.

NICK

(to himself, smiling)

Now that we all think we know who’s who and what’s what, who will ever really know? Screw the U.S.; I’ll tell them what they want to hear.

Nick beats a hasty retreat, down the mountain.

INSERT – THE HUT ATOP MOUNT WHITNEY, a telescopic view which shows –

Slammed against the stone wall of the hut, a man with a high-powered camera filmed the entire incident.

BACK TO CROOKS PEAK.

NOTE: In a subsequent scene, we will see that John was double roped (from behind), swung around to a hidden predetermined bolt, and cleft in the rock face. He waits for Nick to leave. John gets his information both directly and indirectly.

[Alfred Dunham]

LESSON 10

LOGLINE: Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?

ESSENCE: Survival

SITUATION: Two double agents are pitted against each other to see who is loyal to the U.S.

SCENE ARC: John and Nick meet on the brink of Crooks Peak; they play cat and mouse, they get serious, Nick pulls a knife, and John falls backward off the brink and disappears. The entire incident is being filmed from Mt. Whitney.

LOGLINE:

Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?

ESSENCE:

Survival, both in the personal sense and in the sense of country.

SCENE: JOHN AND NICK MEET ON CROOKS PEAK

SITUATION:

A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.

SCENE ARC:

From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.

JOHN: THE GOOD GUY

TRAITS

Daring/Distrustful/Loyal/Loner

Subtext:

John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them into showing their worst side.

NICK: THE BAD GUY

TRAITS

Confident/Conniving/Rebellious/Giving

Subtext:

Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.

EXT. CROOKS PEAK – DAY

Crook’s Peak is the middle needle of a three-needle cluster south of Mount Whitney – the so-called Peaks for Freaks.

It belies the tiny, vegetarian woman in a straw hat for whom the peak was named – Hulda Crooks, a.k.a. Grandma Whitney.

Each needle – Keeler, Crooks, and Third Needle – is a narrow slice of pizza, strewn with large, flat, talus-like sheets of rock – its toppings.

The western slopes seem easy enough, but at fourteen thousand feet, the rarified air makes one’s feet feel like lead.

The eastern faces are another story. They are disturbing in their near two thousand feet of vertical rise.

Between the needles, there are yawing, precipitous gaps, leaving the points dangerously exposed – not for the faint of heart.

JOHN DAVIS (45), is a CIA double operative who lives in secret, which suits his personality well. He’s also a seasoned rock climber and mountaineer, but who would know? He doesn’t say much. His assignment is to test Nick’s loyalty.

John sits with his back to the three ragged boulders that make up the peak’s ultimate point.

He’s wearing a helmet and climber’s harness.

Further, he has tethered himself to a several-ton, spindle-shaped chunk of granite with two opposing nylon slings and a length of climbing rope.

He looks terrified and silly, sitting there hooked via carabiners and rope to a large rock – on the sloping side of the crest, no less.

NICK POLANSKI, (48), is an aerospace engineer from Southern California. He is also a double operative, but for which country has come into question? He has been led to believe that the CIA suspects John, and he is to get John to admit to his disloyalty.

From the Whitney Trail, the figure of a man in a climbing helmet leaves the trail and climbs up the slope toward John.

Nick waves to him, and John waves back.

LATER

As Nick approaches John, he points to the tether and laughs —

NICK

What the hell is this?

John tries to laugh but complains —

JOHN

Who’s the damned fool who set this meeting up? And why?

NICK

Don’t sweat it. I don’t like heights, either – just sayin’.

JOHN

You don’t? So why are we here, then?

NICK

(laughingly)

Probably the only place left, in America, that isn’t bugged.

John forces a chuckle.

JOHN

You’re probably right.

(beat)

So besides that, why are we here?

NICK

You don’t know?

JOHN

Not really. Something about quantum computers.

NICK

Yes. What do you know about them?

JOHN

Precious little.

NICK

Then, indeed, why are we here?

JOHN

To confirm that the Chinese have incorporated them into their military program?

NICK

(laughs)

Who have you been talking to? They’re years behind us. You are one of us, aren’t you?

JOHN

Us? What do you mean by that?

NICK

If you’re CIA, you should know we’re way ahead of the Chinese.

JOHN

Yeah, but who can we trust? The organization is it’s full of moles and double agents and —

NICK

I resent the implications. I do not work for the Chinese while —

JOHN

Resent all you want, but why are we here? One of us has got to be under suspicion. Maybe both of us.

NICK

Well, it sure ain’t me, and the U.S. has nothing to worry about.

JOHN

Well, according to my information, we have lots to worry about.

NICK

Poppycock.

JOHN

Nick, I’ve seen the evidence, first-hand. We most certainly do need to worry.

NICK

No, we don’t.

JOHN

Then, you must be the bad apple, trying to misdirect everyone.

NICK

Why would I do that? I have a wife — a family.

JOHN

Money? Why else do traitors sell themselves out to our enemies?

NICK

Who do you think our enemies are? You’re a total knot-head. America is no longer we, the people.

JOHN

You really believe that, don’t you.

NICK

Of course, I do. Everyone who can, has got their hand in the government till. We’re robbing each other for our own thirty pieces of silver while the weak – the poor – don’t stand a chance.

JOHN

Then correct it, Nick. Don’t finish them off.

NICK

You just don’t get it, do you? I am correcting it.

Nick draws a knife from his cargo pants.

NICK

Nothing personal, John. It’s just about survival.

JOHN

(points to the knife)

What are you going to do with that? You’ll give yourself away.

NICK

No, I won’t. You’re the Chinese agent – you tried to kill me.

JOHN

Why?

NICK

Survival.

John stands, crouched down, as Nick lunges for him, left hand grabbing John’s rope.

John kicks at Nick’s knife-wielding hand, but Nick swings around and slashes at John’s rope above where he is gripping it.

The rope snaps, and Nick kicks John in the chest while still firmly gripping the end of the rope.

John staggers back, falls over the edge – disappears – it’s a long way down.

Nick tries to look over the edge, but the sheer face is so remarkably vertical he can’t see a thing.

Nick gulps, and appears queasy, but rolls up the rope and stuffs the nylon straps into his rucksack.

Nick looks around. He’s the only person in sight.

NICK

(to himself, smiling)

Now that we all think we know who’s who and what’s what, who will ever really know? Screw the U.S.; I’ll tell them what they want to hear.

Nick beats a hasty retreat, down the mountain.

INSERT – THE HUT ATOP MOUNT WHITNEY, a telescopic view which shows –

Slammed against the stone wall of the hut, a man with a high-powered camera filmed the entire incident.

BACK TO CROOKS PEAK.

NOTE: In a subsequent scene, we will see that John was double roped (from behind), swung around to a hidden predetermined bolt, and cleft in the rock face. He waits for Nick to leave. John gets his information both directly and indirectly.

[Alfred Dunham]

LESSON 8, CYCLE #2

LOGLINE: Under perilous circumstances, two double agents are pitted against each other. Who is loyal to the U.S.? One, both, or neither?

ESSENCE: Survival

SITUATION: Two double agents are pitted against each other to see who is loyal to the U.S.

SCENE ARC: John and Nick meet on the brink of Crooks Peak, they play cat and mouse, they get serious, Nick pulls a knife, and John falls backward off the brink and disappears. The entire incident is being filmed from Mt. Whitney.

EXT. CROOKS PEAK – DAY

Crook’s Peak is the middle needle of a three-needle cluster south of Mount Whitney – the so-called Peaks for Freaks.

It belies the tiny, vegetarian woman in a straw hat for whom the peak was named – Hulda Crooks, a.k.a. Grandma Whitney.

Hulda climbed Mount Fuji, in Japan, at age ninety-one, so think twice before laughing.

Each needle – Keeler, Crooks, and Third Needle – is a narrow slice of pizza, strewn with talus-like flat sheets of rock.

The slopes are moderate, but at fourteen thousand feet, the air feels rarified.

Between the needles, however, there are yawing, precipitous gaps, and Crooks Peak can be especially disturbing. [interesting setting]

JOHN DAVIS, (45), is a mature, seasoned rock climber and mountaineer, but not many know that and even if they do, they have no idea of what it means – he doesn’t say much. He’s an American double agent. [daring] [loner] [character – set-up]

John sits with his back to the three ragged boulders that make up the peak.

He’s wearing a helmet and climber’s harness.

Two-point tethered, with nylon straps, to a several-ton, spindle-shaped chunk of granite, a length of climbing rope is affixed to John’s harness via a carabiner.

To say he looks odd would be an understatement. [subtext: trickster]

NICK POLANSKI, (48) is an aerospace engineer, from Southern California, with a wife and family. He is also a double agent, but on which side has come into question.

From the Whitney Trail, the figure of a man in a climbing helmet leaves the trail and climbs up the slope toward John.

John waves to him, and Nick waves back.

LATER

As Nick approaches John, he points to the climbing rope and laughs —

NICK

What the hell is this?

John tries to laugh, too but complains —

JOHN

Who’s the damned fool who set this meeting up? And why?

NICK

Don’t sweat it. I don’t like heights, either – just sayin’. [giving]

JOHN

You don’t? So why here, then?

NICK

(laughingly)

Probably the only place left, in America, that isn’t bugged. [confident]

John forces a chuckle.

JOHN

You’re probably right.

(beat)

So besides that, why are we here?

NICK

You don’t know? [subtext: manipulating]

JOHN

Not really. Something about quantum computers.

NICK

Yes. What do you know about them?

JOHN

Precious little.

NICK

Then why are we here?

JOHN

To confirm that the Chinese have not yet incorporated it into their military program.

NICK

(laughs)

They’re years behind us. You are one of us, aren’t you? [conniving]

JOHN

What do you mean by that? [loyal]

NICK

If you’re CIA, you should know that.

JOHN

If you’re CIA, you should know that it’s full of moles and double agents and — [distrustful] [uncertainty]

NICK

I resent the implications. [rebellious]

JOHN

Resent all you want, but why are we here? One of us has got to be under suspicion. Maybe both.

NICK

Well it aint me. The U.S. has nothing to worry about. [mislead]

JOHN

Well, according to my information, we have lots to worry about.

NICK

Poppycock.

JOHN

Nick, I’ve seen the evidence, firsthand. We most certainly do need to worry. [betrayal]

NICK

No we don’t.

JOHN

Then, you’re the bad egg, trying to misdirect everyone. [betrayal] [twist]

Nick draws a knife from his cargo pants. Waves it in front of John. [character changes] [surprise]

[twist]

JOHN

What are you going to do with that? You’ll give yourself away.

NICK

What if I just say you pulled the knife on me? [reveal]

John stands, crouched down, as Nick lunges for him, left hand grabbing John’s rope. [fear/uncertainty] [suspense]

John kicks Nick’s right hand, but Nick swings around and slashes at John’s rope above his own hand.

The rope snaps, and Nick kicks John in the chest while still firmly gripping the end of the rope. [fear/uncertainty] [suspense]

John staggers back, falls over the brink – disappears.

Nick tries to look over the edge, but the sheer face is remarkably vertical and two thousand feet down.

Nick gulps, and appears queasy, but rolls up the rope and stuffs the nylon straps into his rucksack.

NICK

Now that we know who’s who and what’s what, who will ever know? Screw the U.S. I’ll tell them what they want to hear. [rebellious]

Nick beats a hasty retreat, down the mountain.

INSERT – THE HUT ATOP MOUNT WHITNEY, which shows –

A man with a high-powered camera is filming the entire incident.

BACK TO CROOKS PEAK. [superior position]

NOTE: In a subsequent scene, we will see that John is double-roped (from behind), swings around to a hidden cleft, and waits for Nick to leave. John gets his information.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham: to anyone who would like to exchange critiques….

[Alfred Dunham]

(Alfred Dunham) Scene Rewrite – Draft 4, QE6

What I learned is:

This can get complicated, so I wrote bracketed notes to myself but still got confused and ended up writing myself into a dead-end box three times – so I also color-coded my notes. Those, of course, would all be removed in the final draft.

SCENE: TRENT VS. ROBERT

INT. ROBERT’S YACHT – NIGHT

Trent’s alleged luxury yacht, APOGEE, cruises in international waters west of Catalina Island. [Trent: pretends to be wealthy][interesting setting]

GRAND SALON ANTEROOM

Sixteen well-dressed older men, ready for some apparent kinky, high-stakes gambling, cluster together and chat, smoke, and drink.

The room glistens – nothing has been left to chance.[Trent: meticulous]

Beautiful young girls pass out Cuban cigars and pour non-stop champagne – the good stuff.

Trent, forty-ish, enters with an arm around the curvy, high-profile, sex-kitten Miss Sheila Devine.

He stands at the entry to the Grand Salon and motions for silence

TRENT

You know the rules, you know the stakes, and here they are.

Sheila allows Trent’s hands to slide over her silk-covered body in a provocative but unintrusive manner, and the men go wild. [Trent: aggressive]

Sheila smiles like a Cheshire Cat – turns, and raises her eyebrows at Trent.

Trent kisses her neck.

The men hoot, applaud, and salivate in approval. [Trent: needy]

TRENT

Do you like her? Trust me; she’s worth every penny.

Sheila kisses Trent in return, and he becomes even more animated.

TRENT

Play big and loose, and who knows Maybe you, too, can become a star. [Trent: needy]

Robert bursts into the anteroom. [surprise][twist]

His entrance is jarring but appears amicable.

Robert smiles and waves to everyone. [Robert: smooth]

ROBERT

(to Trent)

How come I wasn’t invited? Is my money not good here? [suspense]

(to Sheila – waves)

Hi Sheila.

Sheila’s smile falters – she gives a quick wave back. [hope/fear]

TRENT

You were invited.

ROBERT

No, I wasn’t.

TRENT

You weren’t?

ROBERT

No, I wasn’t. [intrigue]

TRENT

I don’t understand. What else can I say? Welcome.

Trent, however, looks perplexed.

ROBERT

Thank you, Trent. I suspected it was probably an unintentional oversight. So –.

There is a round of applause for Robert as Robert shakes hands. [Robert: gregarious]

During the uproar, Trent places a surreptitious little pat on Sheila’s well-rounded bottom, whispers —

TRENT

Get them inside, quick. [intrigue]

SHEILA

(waves wildly)

Follow me, boys.

Trent points at Robert and moves toward him.

The anteroom empties in seconds, leaving Trent and Robert alone and together.

Robert is still smiling — [Robert: smooth]

TRENT

This is a terrible mistake, Robert.

Robert takes Trent’s outstretched hand and throws his free arm around Trent, laughing and smiling. [mislead]

TRENT

Can we talk about this?

ROBERT

Certainly. Sounds good to me. [mislead]

TRENT

Good. Follow me.

TRENT’S STATEROOM/OFFICE

TRENT

So what have you been up to, Robert??

ROBERT

Not much. [Robert: secretive] [mislead]

Trent offers Robert a chair.

ROBERT

Thanks, but I’d rather stand. I want to get back to the game – to see who wins.

Trent’s smile, like Sheila’s, collapses. [fear/uncer†ainty]

TRENT

I’m afraid I don’t understand.

ROBERT

You wouldn’t. You never do.

What’s that supposed to mean?

ROBERT

Cut the crap, Trent. I’m a businessman. I know what you’ve done. It’s an old trick – it’s called how to fleece the unsuspecting. Do you think I’m that stupid? I resent that. [Robert: low self-esteem].

TRENT

I can explain.

ROBERT

No, you can’t, you horny bastard. The Trent I know doesn’t make mistakes. [Trent: meticulous]

TRENT

Okay. So you know. It’s too late, anyway. Your Shelia and I —

Robert laughs himself double.

ROBERT

Sheila and you –? That’s funny.

TRENT

Hard to believe?

ROBERT

How about impossible? You’ve been played, you twit. [major twist]

TRENT

Sheila? [betrayal]

ROBERT

Who do you think helped me set this up? I’ve been telling those men what you are, for a long time. They all know this is a sham. [Robert: gossip] [betrayal]

TRENT

You’ll regret this.

Trent lands a withering blow to Robert’s face. [character changes] [surprise]

Robert falls to the floor – holds his face in pain.

TRENT

You filthy frauds. I’ll kill both of you.

ROBERT

(smiling)

No, you won’t. You’re a coward, to boot. What kind of needy pig tries to fleece his friends?

Robert has managed to get back up on his feet.

Trent attempts to take another swing at Robert, but Robert ducks and flattens Trent instead.

ROBERT

(under his breath)

I’ve been waiting to do that for a long time. [reveal]

Robert sticks his head out the door and yells —

ROBERT

Sheila?

Sheila comes running with two security men.

GRAND SALON

Security drags Trent’s limp body by the feet into the room.

Robert, bruised and bleeding, follows with Sheila.

Sheila clings to Robert in adoration.

ROBERT

(to the men in the room)

Here’s your evidence. Gossip or truth? It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference. Ask Sheila.

Sixteen well-dressed men applaud.

[Alfred Dunham]

(Alfred Dunham) Scene Rewrite – Draft 4, QE6

What I learned is:

This can get a bit complicated, so I wrote bracketed notes to myself but still got confused and ended up in a dead-end box three times – so I also color-coded. Those, of course, would all be removed in the final draft.

SCENE: TRENT VS. ROBERT

INT. ROBERT’S YACHT – NIGHT

Trent’s alleged luxury yacht, APOGEE, cruises in international waters west of Catalina Island. [Trent: pretends to be wealthy][interesting setting]

GRAND SALON ANTEROOM

Sixteen well-dressed older men, ready for some apparent kinky, high-stakes gambling, cluster together and chat, smoke, and drink.

The room glistens – nothing has been left to chance.[Trent: meticulous]

Beautiful young girls pass out Cuban cigars and pour non-stop champagne – the good stuff.

Trent, forty-ish, enters with an arm around the curvy, high-profile, sex-kitten Miss Sheila Devine.

He stands at the entry to the Grand Salon and motions for silence

TRENT

You know the rules, you know the stakes, and here they are.

Sheila allows Trent’s hands to slide over her silk-covered body in a most provocative but unintrusive manner, and the men go wild. [Trent: aggressive]

Sheila smiles like a Cheshire Cat – turns, and raises her eyebrows to Trent.

Trent kisses her neck.

The men hoot, applaud, and salivate in approval. [Trent: needy]

TRENT

Do you like her? Trust me; she’s worth every penny.

Sheila kisses Trent in return, and he becomes even more animated.

TRENT

Play big and loose, and who knows Maybe you, too, can become a star. [Trent: needy]

Robert bursts into the anteroom. [surprise][twist]

His entrance is jarring but appears amicable.

Robert smiles and waves to everyone. [Robert: smooth]

ROBERT

(to Trent)

How come I wasn’t invited? Is my money not good here? [suspense]

(to Sheila – waves)

Hi Sheila.

Sheila’s smile falters – she gives a quick wave back. [hope/fear]

TRENT

You were invited.

ROBERT

No, I wasn’t.

TRENT

You weren’t?

ROBERT

No, I wasn’t. [intrigue]

TRENT

I don’t understand. What else can I say? Welcome.

Trent, however, looks perplexed.

ROBERT

Thank you, Trent. I suspected it was probably an unintentional oversight. So –.

There is a round of applause for Robert as Robert shakes hands. [Robert: gregarious]

During the uproar, Trent places a surreptitious little pat on Sheila’s well-rounded bottom, whispers —

TRENT

Get them inside, quick. [intrigue]

SHEILA

(waves wildly)

Follow me, boys.

Trent points at Robert and moves toward him.

The anteroom empties in seconds, leaving Trent and Robert alone and together.

Robert is still smiling — [Robert: smooth]

TRENT

This is a terrible mistake, Robert.

Robert takes Trent’s outstretched hand, and throws his free arm around Trent, laughing and smiling. [mislead]

TRENT

Can we talk about this?

ROBERT

Certainly. Sounds good to me. [mislead]

TRENT

Good. Follow me.

TRENT’S STATEROOM/OFFICE

TRENT

So what have you been up to, Robert??

ROBERT

Not much. [Robert: secretive] [mislead]

Trent offers Robert a chair.

ROBERT

Thanks, but I’d rather stand. I want to get back to the game – to see who wins.

Trent’s smile, like Sheila’s, collapses. [fear/uncer†ainty]

TRENT

I’m afraid I don’t understand.

ROBERT

You wouldn’t. You never do.

What’s that supposed to mean?

ROBERT

Cut the crap, Trent. I’m a businessman. I know what you’ve done. It’s an old trick – it’s called how to fleece the unsuspecting. Do you think I’m that stupid? I resent that. [Robert: low self-esteem].

TRENT

I can explain.

ROBERT

No, you can’t, you horny bastard. The Trent I know doesn’t make mistakes. [Trent: meticulous]

TRENT

Okay. So you know. It’s too late, anyway. Your Shelia and I —

Robert laughs himself double.

ROBERT

Sheila and you –? That’s funny.

TRENT

Hard to believe?

ROBERT

How about impossible? You’ve been played, you twit. [major twist]

TRENT

Sheila? [betrayal]

ROBERT

Who do you think helped me set this up? I’ve been telling those men what you are, for a long time. They all know this is a sham. [Robert: gossip] [betrayal]

TRENT

You’ll regret this.

Trent lands a withering blow to Robert’s face. [character changes] [surprise]

Robert falls to the floor – holds his face in pain.

TRENT

You filthy frauds. I’ll kill both of you.

ROBERT

(smiling)

No, you won’t. You’re a coward, to boot. What kind of needy pig tries to fleece his friends?

Robert has managed to get back up on his feet.

Trent attempts to take another swing at Robert, but Robert ducks and flattens Trent instead.

ROBERT

(under his breath)

I’ve been waiting to do that for a long time. [reveal]

Robert sticks his head out the door and yells —

ROBERT

Sheila?

Sheila comes running with two security men.

GRAND SALON

Security drags Trent’s limp body by the feet into the room.

Robert, bruised and bleeding, follows with Sheila.

Sheila clings to Robert in adoration.

ROBERT

(to the men in the room)

Here’s your evidence. Gossip or truth? It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference. Ask Sheila.

Sixteen well-dressed men applaud.

[Alfred Dunham]

(Alfred Dunham) Scene 5 Rewrite

What I learned is:

With a little persistence, even just changing a word or two, one can pump more life into every scene.

TRENT: conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy

ROBERT: smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem

Scene Arc: Trent and Robert, presumptive friends, meet aboard a yacht that is presumptively Trent’s. However, it soon appears that something is amiss. Trent leads Robert to his private office, where Trent’s demeanor gives him away – Robert sees through Trent’s scam and understands that Trent’s fielded gossip is truer than he wanted to believe that it was. Robert wants to kill Trent but decides it will be better to let him face the rest of his former friends. Ditto for Sheila.

SCENE: TRENT VS. ROBERT

INT. TRENT’S YACHT, LUCKY – NIGHT

The yacht cruises offshore, just outside California’s territorial waters. [interesting setting]

GRAND SALON ANTEROOM

Sixteen well-dressed men, ready for some kinky, high-stakes gambling, cluster together in the anteroom of the yacht’s Grand Salon.

Beautiful young girls pass out Cuban cigars and champagne.

Trent enters the anteroom and stands at the entry to the Grand Salon, his arm around the curvy, legendary Miss Sheila Devine.

TRENT

You know the rules, you know the stakes, and here she is.

Trent makes a grandiose, arms open gesture – smiles like a Cheshire Cat.

TRENT

To the winner – one full month – she’s yours.

The men clap with enthusiasm.

Miss Devine waves to the rich, google-eyed, salivating old geezers.

From the stern of the yacht, Robert bursts into the anteroom. [twist]

Robert smiles and waves to everyone. [gregarious]

There is another round of applause from the gamers.

TRENT

Welcome, Robert. We were afraid you wouldn’t make it.

Sheila’s smile droops. [uncertainty/fear]

Robert, still smiling —

ROBERT

(to Trent)

I expected as much. I didn’t get an invitation, An oversight, I presume. [smooth] [suspicion]

TRENT

I don’t know what to say.

Trent, with a surreptitious pat on Sheila’s well-rounded bottom, whispers to Sheila —

TRENT

Get them inside – quick. [intrigue]

SHEILA

(waving wildly)

Follow me, boys.

The anteroom empties in seconds, leaving Trent and Robert alone and together.

Trent makes his way over to Robert, smiling and frowning at the same time – hand out.

TRENT

I’m so sorry. This is a terrible mistake.

Robert takes Trent’s hand and throws his free arm around Trent, laughing and smiling.

ROBERT

Yes, Trent, it is.

TRENT

How can I make this up to you?

ROBERT

How about we discuss it in private?

TRENT

Certainly. Follow me.

LATER

TRENT’S PRIVATE OFFICE

Trent offers Robert a chair.

ROBERT

Thanks, but I’d rather stand. I have a game to attend.

Trent’s smile, like Sheila’s, droops.

ROBERT

So this wasn’t an oversight, after all. [reveal]

TRENT

I didn’t say that —

ROBERT

You haven’t said anything meaningful.

TRENT

Robert –?

ROBERT

No Trent. I know you. You don’t make mistakes. [Trent: meticulous]

TRENT

As I said before, how can I make this up to you?

Robert lands a withering blow to Trent’s face. [Character change] [surprise]

Trent falls to the floor – holds his face.

TRENT

What are you doing?

ROBERT

(smiling)

I know what you’re up to, Trent. Very clever. I wish I’d have thought of it. [suspense]

TRENT

I don’t know what you mean.

ROBERT

Neither do I. It’s too underhanded even for me. [Trent: aggressive]

TRENT

Robert –?

ROBERT

You know what I mean. But the gossip? I thought Sheila had changed. I thought she loved me. [Trent: a gossip] [Robert: needy] [betrayal (Trent) + betrayal (Sheila)]

TRENT

What gossip? [Trent: a gossip]

Trent has managed to get back up.

ROBERT

About Sheila and me… to fleece my friends and enrich yourselves at my expense? [aggressive]

Robert, let’s fly with a volley of fists.

Trent, bleeding, is on the floor again.

ROBERT

I should drag you out and throw you overboard. Think you could swim home?

Trent holds his hand up defensively.

ROBERT

Don’t worry. I’m not stupid. I’d rather watch your former friends disown you.

Robert waves Trent off and leaves, cool-headed. [smooth]

GRAND SALON

A slightly roughed-up Robert enters.

All eyes turn toward him. [suspense]

Sheila makes a quick exit. [fear]

ROBERT

Games over my friends. We’ve all been had. Ask Trent and Sheila – if you can find them. [big reveal]

[Alfred Dunham]

Sccene Arc: Sheila, a high-priced call girl, and Trent have cooked up a scheme to enrich themselves at Robert’s expense, but Robert finds out and seeks revenge.

INT. TRENT’S YACHT, LUCKY – NIGHT

The yacht cruises offshore, just outside California’s territorial waters.

ANTEROOM

Sixteen well-dressed men, ready for high-stakes gambling, cluster together in the anteroom of the yacht’s Grand Salon.

Beautiful young girls pass out Cuban cigars and champagne.

Trent enters the anteroom and stands at the entry to the Grand Salon with his arm around the legendary beauty, Miss Sheila Devine.

TRENT

You know the rules, you know the stakes, and here she is.

(beat)

To the winner One full month.

Miss Devine waves to the now Google-eyed and salivating gamers.

From the stern of the yacht, Robert unexpectedly enters the anteroom.

Robert smiles, waves to everyone, and still smiling —

ROBERT

So, Trent, my money’s not good enough?

TRENT

Of course, it is. Why do you ask?

ROBERT

Then why wasn’t I invited?

TRENT

What do you mean? Of course, you were invited.

ROBERT

No. I wasn’t.

TRENT

Must be some mistake.

Trent pats Sheila on her behind and whispers —

TRENT

Can you take them on in –?

Sheila nods —

SHEILA

Follow me, guys.

The anteroom empties in seconds, leaving Trent and Robert together in the anteroom.

TRENT

How about we discuss this in my private office?

ROBERT

Sounds good to me.

OFFICE

Trent offers Robert a chair.

ROBERT

I’d rather stand. I have a game to attend.

TRENT

Can I make this oversight up to you?

ROBERT

Certainly.

TRENT

How?

ROBERT

(smiling)

I know what you’re up to, Trent. I wish I’d have thought of it. Very clever.

TRENT

I don’t know what you mean.

ROBERT

Of course, you do. You… Sheila. But why the gossip?

TRENT

What gossip?

ROBERT

About Sheila and me… to fleece my friends and enrich yourselves at my expense.

TRENT

Robert –?

ROBERT

This boat isn’t even yours – everything’s a sham.

TRENT

Robert –?

Robert lands a hefty blow to Trent’s face.

Trent staggers back.

TRENT

I can explain —

ROBERT

No. You can’t. I don’t fleece my friends. It’s not my style.

Robert lands another blow – and another.

Trent falls to the floor, nearly unconscious.

ROBERT

I should throw you overboard and let you swim home, but —

Robert waves Trent off and leaves, irritated.

GRAND SALON

A slightly roughed-up Robert enters.

All eyes turn toward him.

Sheila makes a quick exit.

ROBERT

Games over. We’ve all been had. Ask Sheila if you can find her.

[Alfred Dunham]

(Alfred Dunham) Max Interest Part 1.

What I learned is:

As with every other topic so far, this is about not selling ourselves short. It’s about stretching our minds and scratching for every tiny tidbit that will elevate our story to a new level. Professional writers should be serious enough about their work to do this – until it becomes second nature. I thought I’d been doing this, but I was wrong. I’d forgotten some things.

Script CAFÉ, Act 2, Scene 13

Scene Essence:

Both Raisa and Jake are terrified that they will be separated. Jake seriously loves her. Raisa is further afraid of what will happen to her if she’s returned to Russia… and her daughter, Nadia.

Interest Techniques used: These may be on the somewhat subtle side, but they’re there and not well defined at all before.

1. Uncertainty/fear

2. Superior position

3. Character change

4. Surprise

5. Suspense

6. Intrigue

*New, added elements are in italics.

SCENE REWRITE

Jake has just gotten out of the hospital after surgery for the stab wound that Ian/Bubba inflicted on him in Act 1. He fears contact from Ian’s attorney because of the impossible immigration problems his stabbing will bring to light, not the implied death threat.

INT. CAFÉ – DAY

Jake grimaces as he slides into his usual place beneath the neon sign – holds his surgical site.

RAISA

I cleaned the coffee machine this morning, just like you taught me [Uncertainty/fear re: Bubba]. Can I get you some coffee?

Jake smiles.

JAKE

I’d love some.

KITCHEN

Raisa brews a fresh, short pot – cries happy tears. [Superior position – She is shown to be both fearful and relieved, but Jake can’t see this – not yet, anyway. This is a subtle expression of her growing, hesitant love of Jake.]

TABLE

Raisa rejoins Jake with two cups of coffee – sits opposite him – sips hers, still troubled.

RAISA

Sorry for the delay. I made a fresh short pot.

JAKE

You’re amazing; you know that?

Raisa smiles.

Jake takes a sip of his coffee – emotes.

JAKE

Umm. This certainly beats hospital coffee… and Bubba’s.

They both laugh together in solidarity.

RAISA

Can I also fix you something to eat?

Jake seems to ignore the question. [He’s worried]

JAKE

Have you heard from Bubba?

RAISA

Why do you care? What he did was awful.

Raisa cries as she reaches out for Jake’s hands. [More uncertainty/fear]

JAKE

Because it’s my nature to care. Bubba must be petrified.

RAISA

He is. But so am I.

JAKE

That’s what I want to talk to you about.

RAISA

Jake?

JAKE

Bubba may be a pompous ass with a bad temper, but he is no killer.

RAISA

After what he just did to you? You’re the amazing one.

JAKE

Not really. I provoked him. I should not have done that.

RAISA

Yeah, you did, but he had it coming. [significant Character change from Act 1, “That’s just his way” to “…but he had it coming?”]

JAKE

We were both out of line.

RAISA

How can you say that? [significant Character change from Act 1, “That’s just his way” to “How can you say that?”]

JAKE

It’s complicated. We both let our feelings get in the way.

RAISA

Feelings? What feelings? He doesn’t have feelings. [more Character change from Act 1, “That’s just his way” –]

JAKE

I’ve been thinking – plenty of time to for that in the hospital —

RAISA

Yes?

JAKE

This may sound odd, but I think Bubba cares more about you than it may seem.

RAISA

Odd? I’d say downright crazy. [Surprise. This doesn’t sound like the Raisa he’s come to love]

JAKE

Maybe, but just consider – do you really think he wanted to kill me?

RAISA

No. I guess I don’t. Not really.

JAKE

So the man has feelings but just doesn’t know what to do with them.

RAISA

Maybe? I don’t understand —

JAKE

There are always two ways of looking at a problem.

RAISA

You mean like jumping to conclusions?

JAKE

Some parents love their children but still drive them away —

RAISA

— With overprotection and unreasonable demands? Okay.

JAKE

Sort of. They’re afraid to let go for fear they’ll lose control.

RAISA

With Bubba – and me – it’s a lot worse than that, Jake. [Suspense]

JAKE

I know. So what happens to us now? [Suspense. Uncertainty]

RAISA

Can it even be fixed? I don’t think I want to think about it.

Raisa folds her hands together, rests her chin on them, elbows on the table – cries [Uncertainty. Intrigue]

RAISA

If I get sent back to Russia… do I even need to explain that to you?

JAKE

No. It scares me, too. I don’t know. What if we were to help Bubba to see through his blind spot – to help him build self-control and become a useful citizen?

RAISA

How?

JAKE

That’s the risky part. I’m no psychiatrist, but the coffee —

RAISA

(excitedly) [Surprise]

I get it. Everyone loves the coffee now – thinks it’s his.

JAKE

Have you heard him denying it?

RAISA

No. Despite his anger, he just accepts the praise. He knows.

JAKE

So what if we kept the illusion going?

RAISA

You mean —

JAKE

Yes. This whole place needs a facelift – little by little.

RAISA

And let him accept the praise when it does work?

JAKE

That’s the idea.

RAISA

Well, it’s worth a try. But let’s get you home.

JAKE

I think I’d rather hang out here with you.

RAISA

Are you sure?

JAKE

I’d find too much to do at home. It’s safer here.

Raisa laughs out loud.

RAISA

You’re incorrigible.

Jake laughs in return.

JAKE

Incorrigible? Depth, Raisa. [from Act 1]. You’ve got plenty of depth. We’ll get through this, somehow. [Intrigue. What does Jake have in mind? We can only guess at his resources!]

[Alfred Dunham]

(Alfred Dunham) Profiles People.

What I learned is:

It is worthwhile to double down on what makes one’s Characters work.

In CAFE, the story I’m trying to develop:

JAKE: The Subjective Main Character and Objective Protagonist Character [he’s the Character with the Story Goal (Active characteristic of ”Pursue” and Static characteristic of “Consider”)] is a lonely surgeon whose wife has died. That’s clearly NOT enough!

RAISA: Jake’s Subjective Impact or Opposition Character and Objective Guardian [the Character that Helps the Protagonist reach his goal] (Active characteristic of “Help” and Static characteristic of “Conscience”)] is the Café’s waitress who seems only half alive. Again, this is not nearly enough. Jake is used to giving orders; Raisa is used to taking orders and not complaining. That’s better but still not nearly enough. I had to do some deep thinking to expand their characteristics to something more dynamic and useable.

One can substitute, from Star Wars, Luke Skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi. They have the same definitions, but they are very different people from Jake and Raisa. We need MUCH more. The significant details make the difference.

Lesson 3

PERSON 1

Fearful

Legalistic

Serious

Well-meaning

Person 1 is a religious fanatic who sees deep, nefarious shadows in everything he encounters, yet he is friendly, loves to converse, and will allow one the dignity of one’s own conscience even though he seriously thinks they are “going to hell.”

PERSON 2

Penitent

Friendly

Trustworthy

Unhygienic

Person 2 grew up as “one of the lads” (English) despite being a member of an exclusive religious community, and that community, including his wife and son, finally expelled him as “dead.” As he grew older, he converted to one of the more standard “world religions,” became eccentrically penitent, referring to himself as “[First Name] the Sinner.” Brilliant and consummately trustworthy, he will always be one of the primary influences in my life, but he loved to scour garbage cans for broken tools, especially, and anything else he could find.

PERSON 3

Soft-spoken

Cooperative

Fear of metal

Dangerous

Person 3 is a lovely person on the surface. He is friendly, soft-spoken, cooperative, a good son, calling his mother regularly and will talk to her for hours – but the phone has never been connected, and his mother is dead, along with his sister – and he is the reason they are dead. He is schizophrenic, hears voices telling him what to do, and is terrified of metal, especially in or around his head [he thinks people are reading his mind from the signals from the metal] – a potential problem for his dentist. He will discuss – even allow, on a trial basis, a metal crown on a broken tooth – but it can also drive him over the edge. You NEVER turn your back on this person. It’s why he’s in the psychiatric section of a State Prison and is no longer free to go home. But before he killed his family –?

[Alfred Dunham]

(Alfred Dunham) Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is:

THE PROCESS makes a difference. And Hal is right. Finding the Essence is elusive, frightening, and hard work! But It does work.

My choice of script is one I’m still working on. – This is Act 1, as of 5-7-23 and then 5-13-23.

CAFÉ

Story Essence: Genuine love: The cure for overpowering loneliness – and broken, battered lives.

Tentative Story Logline: A lonely, aging doctor meets an abused and aging waitress. They fall in love, but she is an undocumented alien, already sham-married and trapped by a net of damning immigration laws with no apparent way out.

I’m using the Logline-generating formula suggested by Karl Williams via Final Draft’s Big Break Contest on March 29, 2023.

P+W, B—O=L

Protagonist + Want, BUT — Obstacle = Logline

If you don’t know who the Protagonist is, that’s a problem.

If you don’t know what the Protagonist WANT is, that’s a problem.

If you don’t know what the Obstacle is, that’s a problem.

There were no loglines or formal Essence statements a week ago. I added in some rough ideas during Lesson 1 and modified them with this Lesson 2.

Scene 1 Location: Outside the Café, Scene 1

Logline: There’s a big hole in Jake’s life, and he’s troubled by it.

Essence: Jake’s consuming loneliness.

New Logline: Jake yearns for the close human companionship he’s grown to love, but his wife is dead, and the world seems monotonously dead, too.

Scene 2 Location: The Café. Scene 2

Logline: Jake is as pleased with Raisa as he is angered by Ian/Bubba.

Essence: Raisa’s “hope button” is pushed.

New Logline: An abused and weary waitress meets a customer who instills new hope and self-respect, but her boss seeks to keep her in line.

Scene 3 Location: The Café, Scene 6

Logline: Their use of opportunity takes them to an entirely new place — a new set of opportunities

Essence: For Raisa, out of love, Jake, a skilled surgeon, lowers himself to a janitor to try and help her deal with her miserable, punishing boss.

New Logline: The still mysterious doctor lowers himself to a janitor and fry-cook to help save the cafe’s waitress from her boss, but will he appreciate the effort?

Scene 4 Location: The Café, Scene 9

Logline: Jake and Raisa run into their first rough spot with Bubba, and Jake decides to take a solid stand… and Raisa follows, but Jake perhaps overplays his role, and Bubba reacts.

Essence: For the love of Raisa, Jake is forced to take a no-holds-barred stance against Ian/Bubba.

New Logline: In an enraged response to the fear of exposure, the cafe owner sinks a chef’s knife into the customer’s belly. It has the exact opposite effect.

Scene 5 Location: The Café, Scene 10

Logline: The world has suddenly changed for Bubba, Jake, Raisa, and by implication, Nadia, leaving questions of what next. This is Raisa’s moment.

Essence: Raisa discovers she’s in love with Jake.

New Logline: In the wake of a near tragedy, the cafe’s waitress discovers her love for the determined customer who has survived her boss’s stabbing of him, but the bittersweet truth about her is about to become public.

[Alfred Dunham]

(Alfred Dunham) Finds the Essence

What I learned is:

I need to dig even deeper to understand what I am trying to say, in a way that others can understand it too – and that begins with a better understanding of Essence

My top 10 choices were not available, so I chose –

Script I choice:

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

by

Stephen Spielberg

Scene Series 1 Location: Near the beginning of Act 1
Logline: Night: Small boy, Barry Guiler, is fascinated by something strange happening to his toys, but when his mother, Jillian Guiler, awakens and sees him rush off jubilant and then disappears – she’s terrified.

Essence: Maybe the terrifying is actually benign – something a child can see because their minds are not as blocked by fear of the unknown `as many adult minds are.

Scene Series 2 Location: Near the beginning of Act 1
Logline: Aircraft that disappeared during WWII are found, like new, in the Sonoran Desert and a team of scientists investigate their strange return.
Essence: Something terrifyingly strange and frightening, yet wonderful, is happening and there is an element of excitement in it, mush as little Barry felt.

Scene Series 3 Location: Near the Midpoint of the movie/screenplay
Logline: Roy Neary is sent to investigate a power outage, encounters UFOs and strange happenings, much as little Barry did, and he becomes possessed with a driving curiosity – meets Jillian.
Essence:

Scene Series 4 Location: Near the middle of Classic Act IIb
Logline: Roy Neary, as his life unravels and disintegrates, builds a huge replica of the Devil’s Tower, in Wyoming, in his house but doesn’t know why or what it is until he sees it on TV – Jillian does much the same but with drawings.
Essence: While Roy’s wife, Ronnie, and neighbors are not receptive to something new and unusual. Roy is, and his determination to understand creates withering discomforts for him, which he is willing to weather.

Scene Series 5 Location: Near the end of Classic Act III
Logline: Jillian and Roy are the only two, drawn to the Devil’s Tower, to make it to the scientific encampment on the other side and witness the Mother Ship arrive and spill out Barry and the piolets of the aircraft at the beginning of the movie – and Neary is allowed to leave aboard the Ship..
Essence: Great things come to those willing to struggle through the discomforts and rejections with the expectation of “this is important.”

My selection for most profound essence: (Post scene here without worrying
about formatting and then also post the essence and why you believe that is
the essence).

Throughout the movie, there are subtle comments and discussions of the Pinocchio story – the little wooden puppet who, to the wishes of his maker, Giuseppe, becomes a real boy, despite his mistakes and the trouble he has gotten himself into.

The end-scenes continue that theme even into the magnificent music by the great John Williams, and into that music is the song, When You Wish Upon a Star… your dreams come true.

Essence: The essence is that despite its rough history, the human race will still somehow grow up and survive, transformed — the mythological stuff of world religion, grown up – the grand wish of mankind.

[Alfred Dunham]

I am Alfred Dinham and

I agree to the terms of this Group Release Form.

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Alfred Dunham]

I am Alfred Eugene Dunham, Jr. My wife calls me Alfred, but many of my friends know me as Gene. I’ve written one novel and five screenplays, and I am currently writing a contained script. I was also Editor of Model Yachting for eight years, back in the 1980s and 90s.

I seem to be writing at or around the quarterfinalist level in screenplay competitions but that isn’t good enough. I hope to elevate my writing to a level where I get optioned, produced, and/or represented. This won’t be easy, I know. I had a stroke two years ago, which ended forty years of dentistry, andIhad to re-teach myself to type. And I’m 83.

I have an M.A. in molecular biology, a Ph.D. in molecular genetics [which I refused — long story], and a D.D.S. degree. Twenty-eight years of my dental career was in a psychiatric hospital/prison facility, and twenty-one of those years was as President of the Medical Staff. Oddly, I wrote a psychiatrist into one of my scripts and was told by a critic that he sounded more like a priest than a doctor. He was modeled after a colleague and friend of mine. LOL

I also still race radio-control “model” sailboats every Tuesday afternoon.

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 15-c

Alfred’s Thriller Map Version 3

This is intended only as a brief sample of what I’ve done so far. And I have found several logical problems to solve, of course. Hemmingway was right: “First drafts are crap.” I need to start a new, dedicated, Final Draft text and start writing seriously, keeping the MAP and the SCRIPT separate. I got very confused, doing this as a Class Post.

I am Alfred Dunham at alfreddunham@aol.com

Do not hesitate to drop me a line if you have questions. I’ve already gotten some good thoughts that anticipate, already, where I’m going with this.

LOGLINE

When a park ranger encounters the mutilated remains of several young men on a high mountain plateau, an investigation is begun that will subject him to near-certain death.

FADE IN:

STATUS QUO – SPENCER GOES FISHING

1:1 EXT. HIGH MOUNTAIN LAKE – DAY – StatUs Quo

SPENCER McDONALD, (38), is a young ranger in training. His goal is to become a Ranger Naturalist, but for the time being, he is stuck with a superior who has no interest in the naturalist part of it.

Spencer loves fishing for Golden trout, found only at the extreme altitudes of high-mountain lakes.

He hikes in via a steep, precarious trail, drops his pack lakeside, pulls out his fishing gear, and reels in three beautiful fishes which he —

LATER

— Fries on a tiny, portable, gas burner, and —

LATER

— Eats with consummate delight.

EXT. HIGH MOUNTAIN LAKE – NIGHT

After the sun sets, there is a precipitous drop in temperature.

Spencer finishes his cup of hot coffee and slides into his warm, down-filled mummy bag. His hot breath forms a small, white cloud around his face.

LATER

Spencer awakens to the yippee sounds of coyote songs down the valley below him. He smiles, is comforted, and falls back to sleep. He’s home.

TWIST 1 – Spencer discovers mutilated bodies

EXT. HIGH MOUNTAIN LAKE – DAY

Packed and ready to go, Spencer sets out on a more friendly trail back down the mountain.

The trail flattens out, even as it slopes away, a short distance to the west.

There is a peculiar single-wire fence just off the trail to the west, that marks off a large area with warning signs –INSERT – SIGN, which reads:

“PROTECTED HABITAT AREA — DO NOT ENTER”

BACK TO SPENCER

SPENCER

(speaks aloud)

What the –? Why is this a protected area? There’s nothing here.

Further down the trail, well inside the fence, Spencer spots four mutilated bodies, somewhat desiccated from the arid high-altitude air.

Spencer touches nothing. He looks around in all directions with an air of numinous dread, then moves on down the trail with a bit quicker pace.

CLUE 1 – The bodies are partially desiccated and with no conventional wounds

MYSTERY 1 – Who or what would do this?

EXT. LODGE AND PACK STATION – DAY

Spencer passes the National Park boundary marker and enters a wooded area, populated by a lodge, pack station, and something of a makeshift farm.

He enters The Lodge by way of its open front door.

TRUST 1 – Spencer trusts his superior and calls him.

INT. THE LODGE – DAY

Spencer makes his way into a crude, yet charming old-style lodge that appears warm and comforting.

Beyond the reception desk, is a large leather couch and chairs-filled room, dominated by a huge stone fireplace. Deer heads hang from the log walls.

Spencer rings the bell on the reception desk.

He is soon greeted by a delightful young woman by the name of –

ELYNE MONET, (38). Elyne is a derivative of Helen (as in Helen of Troy). She is of French descent and speaks her French-distorted English with an engaging softness.

Elyne appears to be alone, and is a bit skittish, to begin with, but seems to calm as Spencer shows her his credentials.

SPENCER

My name is Spencer McDonald. I’m a National Park Ranger. I’ve been fishing Golden trout, and on my way down, on the plateau, I came across four mutilated, desiccated bodies.

ELYNE

I’ve heard.

SPENCER

Do you have a phone I could use to call my superior?

ELYNE

(mixes French and English)

Maie oui – but of course – Yes.

Elyne produces a land-line phone, and –Spencer dials —

INTERCUT — TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

SPENCER

Hello, Russell. This is Spencer. I’m at The Lodge, just outside the Park. The one with a pack station.

RUSSELL

Yes?

SPENCER

Coming down from the lake, I passed four dead bodies on the high plateau above the lodge. I –

RUSSELL

(interrupting)

I’ve head. The District Office just informed me they’re getting worried phone calls about mutilated bodies.

SPENCER

Yes. And desiccated. It’s obvious, they’ve been there a while.

RUSSELL

I’m on my way. Just stay put and don’t touch a thing.

SPENCER

Trust me. I didn’t. I’ll be here.

END OF TELEPHONE CONVERSATION.

Spencer looks to Elyne —

ELYNE

Yes, I heard. I have a room for you, but I have to run, now. I have chores.

Spencer seems to sense Elyne’s fear and aloneness.

SPENCER

You seem overworked and alone. Mind if I tag along and maybe help out?

Elyne smiles broadly, but Spencer also sees tears.

ELYNE

I’d like that.

LIFE-THREATENING 1 – The killer (s) could be anyone or anything.

MISDIRECTION 1 – The discussion turns to Aliens and mythical beasts.

INTRIGUE 1 – The lodge owner is an encyclopedia of mythical beasts.

EXT. ROAD – DAY

Elyne leads Spencer down the dirt road to the fenced-off area where she keeps her animals: four goats, about a dozen chickens, three horses, and, of course, about a half dozen mules.

INT. BARN – DAY

They enter via the side door to the barn and immediately begin preparing the stalls for the goats and the horses.

ELYNE

Do you know how to milk goats?

SPENCER

Cows. Can’t be all that different, though, can it?

ELYNE

(laughing)

You’ll do just fine.

The chicken coup and nests are incorporated into the barn structure, so Elyne goes outside to shoo the hens in for the night and to lock the door shut.

She brings the goats in with her, when she returns However, there are also three Irish Wolfhounds outside, as big as ponies, but with sharp teeth. They go crazy when they become aware of Spencer.

ELYNE

Those are my working dogs. They keep the coyotes away, along with whatever else wanders down here.

SPENCER

You mean, like me?

Elyne just laughs.

It’s summer, so the horses and the mules stay outside in the corral.

Elyne feeds the dogs and the outside animals.

Spencer feeds the inside animals, and helps milk the goats.

EXT. ROAD – DAY

Done in record time, Elyne locks the barn door, and there is a playful sense of merriment in Elyne as she promises to cook a special meal.

ELYNE

I feel like doing something special, tonight. Do you like venison?

SPENCER

Yes, I do.

ELYNE

The road up here is so long and difficult, I can’t just run down to the store for a quart of milk, you know —

SPENCER

I understand. I grew up under similar circumstances.

ELYNE

Really? Then I guess you’d know.

SPENCER

Yes, and I do like goat milk… and chèvre —

INT. THE LODGE KITCHEN – DAY

Spencer puts the buckets of milk on the kitchen counter.

SPENCER

What else can I do?

ELYNE

You don’t have to do anything, but if you’re still inclined, you can grab some potatoes, over there in the bin –Elyne points.

SPENCER

— And peel them. Gotcha.

ELYNE

Are you always like this?

It’s Spencer’s turn to laugh out loud.

SPENCER

It beats sitting out there, talking to myself, doesn’t it? I like talking with you.

ELYNE

And I, you. Tell me about yourself.

SPENCER

Are you sure about this?

Elyne laughs, again.

Spencer begins to rattle off his story and Elyne hangs on to his every word —

SPENCER

I was born on a northern, midwestern farm, a million miles away from anywhere — or at least it seemed —

INT. THE LODGE FIREPLACE – NIGHT

It’s after dinner. Elyne and Spencer kick back in those big leather chairs, before the great stone fireplace. The fire roars hot.

Elyne regals Spencer with far-fetched stories of ferocious beasts that sound all to similar to those horrid Biblical beasts — especially that one with the iron claws and teeth that claws and rips everything to rubble.

ELYNE

My grandparents came here from the French Alps, to escape the war, and built this place. My parents, then, ran the lodge until they died.

SPENCER

So you’re from France?

ELYNE

No, I was born right here. My mother home-schooled me.

SPENCER

Okay, I was wondering. You seemed too young to have —

ELYNE

No, this is where I’ve always lived. But Mama also taught me the old stories, too.

SPENCER

What old stories?

ELYNE

The ones about the Owlbear, and, of course, Bahamut.

SPENCER

Those are mythical creatures.

ELYNE

Not necessarily. Some say that Behemoth, in the Bible is the same as Bahamut.

SPENCER

(chuckling)

You’re probably right about that. Do you believe in Sasquatch and the Yeti?

ELYNE

I don’t know. Some do. Mama, however, was French. There are many more, of course.

SPENCER

Yes, Leviathan is also Biblical, and others.

ELYNE

Let me go make so coffee.

Elyne makes for the kitchen, and Spencer stands before the fire.

LATER

Elyne and Spencer sip cups of hot coffee and continue to share their life stories as indistinct chatter, late into the night.

LATER

The fire is reduced to a hot, bed of orange-glowing coals.

ELYNE

It’s nice to have someone to talk to, for a change, Spencer, but morning comes early around here.

SPENCER

I understand. Wake me, if I’m not already awake. I’ll help you with the milking, and whatever.

ELYNE

Spencer, thank you, but you don’t have to do that.

SPENCER

I know, but I want to.

ELYNE

Okay, then. Goodnight, Spencer.

SPENCER

Good night, Elyne. Tomorrow –Spencer places his coffee cup on the hearth as he watches Elyne disappear.

He shakes his head as if to say, that was different, and makes his way to his own Spartan room.

^^^ETC.

CLUE 2 – The townspeople think it’s Aliens. Why? How?

TWIST 2 – Russel seems to be favoring this nonsense.

DISTRUST 1 – Why is Russell falling for this?

CLUE 3 – This says something about Russell

DISTRUST 2 – Can Russell be taken seriously?

TWIST 3 – Spencer comes to philosophical blows over this.

MYSTERY 2 – Spencer cannot remember seeing any conventional wounds.

MYSTERY 3 – Why is there a fence around that piece of ground?

TWIST 4 – Not only who or what did this, how did they become so mutilated?

MISDIRECTION 2 – The focus changes to Elyne.

MYSTERY 4 – Who is this Elyne Bonet person, anyway? Really? She doesn’t seem to exist.

INTRIGUE 2 – Why is she telling these strange stories?

DISTRUST 3 – The more Russell buys into Elyne’s stories, the more confused and defensive Spencer gets.

SUSPENSE 2 – The question is raised, how much in danger might Spencer and Russell be in, around Elyne?

TWIST 5 – in an attempt to gain Spencer’s trust, she introduces him to her dogs.

REVEAL 1 – The dogs are pussycats. They are not good evidence for the mutilations.

TRUST 2 – Spencer’s basic trust in Elyne returns, but the essential questions have not been resolved.

TWIST 6 – As Spencer’s trust in Elyne returns, Russell’s distrust hardens.

CLUE 4 – Elyne claims an ironclad alibi, Russell challenges it, siting her stories may reflect something else.

MISDIRECTION 3 – The focus changes, once again, to wild animals. Spencer is skeptical.

TWIST 7 – To Spencer, neither Elyne nor her dogs seem likely.

TRUST 3 – Both Spencer choose to buy into the wild animals’ theory — Spencer, because he likes Elyne and believes her — Russell, because he distrusts her and is afraid of her.

TWIST 8 – Russell gets angry with Spencer for being too easy on Elyna.

DISTRUST 4 – Spencer has about had it with Russell and vows to ignore his demands.

TWIST 9 – The coroner does not agree with Russell regarding: wild animals.

REVEAL 2 – The coroner tells Spencer it looks more like murder

MYSTERY 5 – Then what would cause such wounds?

INTRIGUE 2 – Could the coroner be right about some sort of explosive device?

TWIST 10 – Russell can’t get the coroner to change his diagnosis to “wild animals.”

DISTRUST 5 – Russell’s defiance leaves Spencer to wonder what’s wrong with him. Something is not right.

CLUE 5 – It comes to Spencer’s attention that the epicenter for the earthquake, about three weeks earlier was exactly where the dead bodies were found.

TWIST 11 – Earthquakes, mutilated bodies, fenced-off area… Spencer is so confused, he doesn’t know what to think.

CLUE 6 – Elyne has told Spencer that her pack station is the only one in the area.

REVEAL 3 – But, Spencer finds another pack station as close to or closer to the area in question as Elyne’s — on the other side of the mountain range.

DISTRUST 6 -Why did she not know this? Or is she hiding something?

TWIST 12 – Spencer begins to distrust BOTH Russell and Elyne

DISTRUST 7 – Spencer does not trust anyone!

MISDIRECTION 4 – The focus changes to Elyne and some alliance between her AND Russell.

^^^TURNING POINT 1 – Spencer’s fears force him outwardly suspect Elyne and her “vicious” dogs — at least to Russell.

TWIST 13 – Russell’s fears that Russell may be getting too close, forces him to demand that Spencer stop his investigations. This only makes him more determined to find the truth.

MISDIRECTION 5 – Russell suggests the theory that the four dead men did something to Elyne and she and her dogs killed them in revenge.

TWIST 14 – Spencer adopts this theory (mostly to please Russell) and Elyne becomes furious with both him and Russell.

TWIST 15

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 15 (a)

Alfred’s Thriller Map Version 1 (b)

Away from home and my computer foe two days, my apologies, but this is what I have, so far. I am at

alfreddunham@aol.com

Title: THE MYTH (first draft)Logline (first draft):

Something or someone, is killing anyone who enters a certain, high mountain wilderness area. Mythical creatures? Aliens? A young Park Ranger doesn’t think so.

24 words

Thriller Map (first draft):

READABLE THRILLER MAP VERSION 1(b) — EXPANDED

Status Quo: Spencer goes high mountain fishing.

Which becomes:

FADE IN:

EXT. HIGH MOUNTAIN LAKE – DAY

SPENCER McDONALD, (28), is a young ranger in training. His goal is to become a Ranger Naturalist, but for the time being, he is stuck with a superior who has no interest in the naturalist part of it.

Spencer loves fishing for Golden trout, found only at the extreme altitudes of high mountain lakes. He hikes in via a steep, precarious trail, drops his pack lakeside, and –

LATER

–Reels in three beautiful fish which he fries on a tiny gas burner and –

LATER

–Eats with relished delight.

EXT. HIGH MOUNTAIN LAKE – NIGHT

There is a precipitous drop in temperature. Spencer finishes his cup of hot coffee and climbs into a warm-down mummy bag. His hot breath forms a tiny cloud around his face.

LATER

Spencer awakens to the yippy sounds of coyote songs down the valley below him. He smiles, is comforted, and falls back to sleep. He’s home.

Twist 1: On his return, Spencer stumbles onto four mutilated dead bodies and becomes embroiled in an investigation.

Clue 1: The bodies are mutilated and partially desiccated.

Mystery 1: Who or what did this? Human(s). Wild animal(s)?

Which becomes:

EXT. HIGH MOUNTAIN LAKE – DAY

Packed and ready to go, Spencer sets out on a more friendly trail back down the mountain.

The trail flattens out for a short distance, but to the west, it angles down. There is a single wire fence that surrounds the area with warning signs –

INSERT – SIGN, which reads:

“PROTECTED HABITAT AREA – DO NOT ENTER”

BACK TO SPENCER

Spencer

What the…? Why is this a protected area? There’s nothing here.

Further down the trail, well inside the fence, Spencer spots four mutilated bodies, somewhat desiccated by the high-altitude dryness.

Spencer touches nothing… looks around in fear and caution… moves quickly down the trail.

Trust: Spencer calls his superior, Russell, from a lodge, just outside the area. Russell tells him to stay put. The two men have known each other for several years, so he obeys.

Life Threatening: The killer(s) could be anyone, anywhere.

Misdirection 1: The focus is on Aliens and mythology.

Intrigue 1: The lodge owner, Elyne Bonet, is full of stories of mythological creatures and Aliens. She seems nervous, and odd, and has three huge dogs on her little “farm.”

Clue 2: The dogs are going wild at Spencer’s presence. Could they have killed those men?

Distrust: Spencer does not trust this woman or her dogs.

Which becomes:

EXT. LODGE AND PACK STATION – DAY

Spencer passes the National Park boundary marker and enters a wooded area, populated by a lodge, pack station, and a sort-of farm.

He enters the lodge’s open front door.

Spencer makes his way into a crude, but charming, old lodge, that appears warm and comfortable. [DESCRIPTIONS]

A delightful young woman greets him by the name of –

ELYNE MONET, (28), who is of French descent, speaks with an English-distorted French accent. She appears to be alone and a bit skittish, but calms when Spencer shows his credentials. Elyne is a derivative of Helen (of Troy).

SPENCER

My name is Spencer McDonald and I’m a National Park Ranger. I’ve been fishing, and I came across four mutilated and desiccated bodies on the high plateau. Do you have an outside phone that I can use to call my superior?

ELYNE

Maie oui – but of course — yes.

Elyne produces a land-line phone, and –

Spencer dials.

INTERCUT – TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

SPENCER

Hello, Russell. This is Spencer. I’m at [DETAILS). I came across four mutilated bodies on the high plateau above the lodge —

RUSSELL

(interrupting)

Yes. I know. The District Office has already informed me. They’ve been getting worried phone calls about Aliems . I’m on my way. Stay put and don’t touch a thing.

SPENCER

Trust me. I didn’t. I’ll be here.

END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

Spencer looks to Elyne —

ELYNE

Yes. I heard. I have a room for you, but I have chores, now.

Spencer senses Elyne’s aloneness.

SPENCER

You seem to be alone. May I tag along… maybe help out?

ELYNE

(smiling broadly)

Yes. I’d like that. [DETAILS WHICH INCLUDE HIS ENCOUNTER WITH HER THREE HUGE, SCARY, IRISH WOLFHOUNDS IN HER MINI-FARM: GOATS AND CHICKENS PLUS HER HORSES AND PACK MULES].

INT. THE LODGE – NIGHT

It’s after dinner and before the great stone fireplace, Elyne regals Spencer with tales of Aliens and mythological creatures [DETAILS AND BACKGROUND INFORMATION] that seem more at home in the French Alps, than in America [BIG FOOT]. The fire in the great fireplace roars hot.

LATER

The fire is reduced to an orange-glowing bed of hot coals.

Elyne and Spencer sip cups of hot coffee [MORE CONVERSATION ABOUT BOTH OF THEM]

Elyne dismisses herself.

ELYNE

It’s nice to have someone to talk to, Spencer, but morning comes early around here.

SPENCER

Yes. I understand, and I, too, am tired. Goodnight, Elyne.

ELYNE

Goodnight, Spencer.

Spencer finishes his coffee, places his coffee cup on the hearth, shakes his head as if to say, that was weird, as he follows her disappearance, then makes his way to his own Spartan room.

Twist 2: Russell repeats Elyne’s stories of Aliens and mythical creatures, from the town’s people at the base of the mountain.

Clue 3: Russell’s willingness to pass off the story as mythical, regardless of his reasons, confuses Spencer, causing Spencer to double down on his getting serious. Why is Russell doing this?

Distrust: Spencer’s trust in Russell is under question.

Twist 3: Spencer’s objections are off-putting to Russell, which only deepens Spencer’s questions.

Mystery 2: Spencer cannot recall seeing any wounds that would spell murder

Mystery 3: Spencer questions the fence around the area where the bodies were found, marked off as Endangered Species Habitat.

Twist 4: The mutilated bodies, Spencer recalls, did not show typical weaponry wounds.

Misdirection 2: The focus changes to Elyne.

Which becomes:

Mystery 4: Who is this Elyne Bonet woman? Where did she come from?

Intrigue 2: Why is she telling these weird stories? Is she crazy or just odd?

Distrust: Spencer’s distrust of Elyne grows. There is still the question of her dogs.

Distrust: The more Russell buys into Elyne’s stories, the more Spencer is alarmed.

Suspense 2: Is Spencer and Russell in danger from this woman?

Which becomes:

Twist 5: In an attempt to gain Spencer’s trust, Elyne introduces him to her dogs. They’re just huge pussycats.

Reveal 1: The dogs are not good evidence for having caused the killings.

Trust: Spencer’s distrust of Elyne softens.

Twist 6: As Spencer’s distrust of Elyne softens, Russell’s seems to harden.

Clue 4: Elyne claims she has an iron-clad alibi. Russell questions it, but clings to her stories.

Misdirection 3: The focus changes, again, but this time to wild animals.

Twist 6: It seems unlikely that Elyne or her dogs played any role in the killings.

Twist 7: Russell seems irritated by Spencer’s easing up on Elyne. Orders Spencer to quit trying to solve the mystery.

Trust: Spencer, for the moment, believes that she is innocent.

Which becomes:

Distrust: Spencer’s about had it with Russell,

Twist 8: The coroner does not buy into a wild animal attack

Revel: The coroner says the evidence looks more like murder.

Mystery: What would cause such wounds

Intrigue: Could the coroner be right about some sort of bomb or bomb-like device?

Twist 9: Russell can’t get the coroner to change his mind. He still favors “wild animals.”

Distrust: Spencer is wondering what is wrong with Russell.

Which becomes:

Reveal: Spencer discovers that Russell requestioned a lot of fence wire.

Clue 5: There was an earthquake a couple of weeks ago, and the epicenter was exactly where both the fence and the murders took place.

Twist 11: Everything seems twisted and convoluted, and Spencer is thoroughly confused.

Which becomes:

Clue 6: Elyne says that her pack station is the only one within reach of the death zone.

Reveal: Spencer discovers another pack station on the other side of the mountain that is as close or closer to the murder zone as Elyne’s.

Distrust: Why did Elyne not know this? Did she not know, truly, or is she lying? Why?

Which becomes:

Twist 12: Spencer once again begins to question Elyne, again. Is she covering for Russell?

Distrust: Spencer’s distrust of Elyne returns. Along with his growing distrust of Russell.

Misdirection: The focus returns to Elyne and some possible relationship between her and Russell.

TURNING POINT 1: Spencer returns to his suspicions about Elyne, her dogs, and her possible relationship to Russell

ACT 2

[Elyne becomes the dedicated focus]

Twist 13: Russell orders Spencer to cease and desist his investigations.

Misdirection: Russell turns on Elyne, and suggests it was some sort of revenge killing with her well-trained “killer dogs.”

Twist 14: Russell now favors Spencer’s version of what happened, and Elyne becomes furious with both Spenser and Russell.

[MORE M. I. S., ETC.]

Midpoint Twist: Spencer is forced to suspect Russell, now, instead of Elyne

ACT 3

[Russell becomes the dedicated focus]

Turning Point 2: Spencer has Russell backed into a corner. He is clearly the suspect, now, but why? It doesn’t matter. Spencer has gotten too close to the truth. Russell comes after Spencer, loaded for bear, and Spencer has to run for his life.

ACT 4

CRISIS

ETC.

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 14

Alfred’s Thriller Map Version 1

What I learned doing this assignment is:

Yes! This is much easier to follow and to write scenes around.

I feel ready to expand the map and begin writing. I already have a lot of new ideas to work with.

READABLE THRILLER MAP VERSION 1

Status Quo: Spencer goes high mountain fishing.

Twist 1: On his return, Spencer stumbles onto four mutilated dead bodies and becomes embroiled in an investigation.

Clue 1: The bodies are mutilated and partially desiccated.

Mystery 1: Who or what did this? Human(s). Wild animal(s)?

Trust: Spencer calls his superior, Russell, from a lodge, just outside the area. Russell tells him to stay put. The two men have known each other for several years, so he obeys.

Life Threatening: The killer(s) could be anyone, anywhere.

Misdirection 1: The focus is on Aliens and mythology.

Intrigue 1: The lodge owner, Elyne Bonet, is full of stories of mythological creatures and Aliens. She seems nervous, odd, and has three huge dogs on her little “farm.”

Clue 2: The dogs are going wild at Spencer’s presence. Could they have killed those men?

Distrust: Spencer does not trust this woman or her dogs.

Twist 2: Russell repeats Elyne’s stories of Aliens and mythical creatures, from the town’s people at the base of the mountain.

Clue 3: Russell’s willingness to pass-off the story as mythical, regardless of his reasons, confuses Spencer, causing Spencer to double-down on his getting serious. Why is Russell doing this?

Distrust: Spencer’s trust in Russell is under question.

Twist 3: Spencer’s objections are off-putting to Russell, which only deepens Spencer’s questions.

Mystery 2: Spencer cannot recall seeing any wounds that would spell murder

Mystery 3: Spencer questions the fence around the area where the bodies were found, marked off as Endangered Species Habitat.

Twist 4: The mutilated bodies, Spencer recalls, did not show typical weaponry wounds.

Misdirection 2: The focus changes to Elyne.

Mystery 4: Who is this Elyne Bonet woman? Where did she come from?

Intrigue 2: Why is she telling these weird stories? Is she crazy or just odd?

Distrust: Spencer’s distrust of Elyne grows. There is still the question of her dogs.

Distrust: The more Russell buys into Elyne’s stories, the more Spencer is alarmed.

Suspense 2: Is Spencer and Russell in danger from this woman?

Twist 5: In an attempt to gain Spencer’s trust, Elyne introduces him to her dogs. They’re just huge pussycats.

Reveal 1: The dogs are not good evidence for having caused the killings.

Trust: Spencer’s distrust of Elyne softens.

Twist 6: As Spencer’s distrust of Elyne softens, Russell’s seems to harden.

Clue 4: Elyne claims she has an iron-clad alibi. Russell questions it, but clings to her stories.

Misdirection 3: The focus changes, again, but this time to wild animals.

Twist 6: It seems unlikely that Elyne or her dogs played any role in the killings.

Trust: Spencer, for the moment, believes that she is innocent.

Twist 7: Russell seems irritated by Spencer’s easing up on Elyne. Orders Spencer to quit trying to solve the mystery.

Distrust: Spencer’s about had it with Russell,

Twist 8: The coroner does not buy into a wild animal attack

Revel: The coroner sys the evidence looks more like murder.

Mystery: What would cause such wounds

Intrigue: Could the coroner be right about some sort of bomb or bomb-like device?

Twist 9: Russell can’t get the coroner to change his mind, still favors “wild animals.”

Distrust: Spencer is wondering what is wrong with Russell.

Reveal: Spencer discovers that Russell requestioned a lot of fence wire.

Clue 5: There was an earthquake a couple of weeks ago, and the epicenter was exactly where both the fence and the murders took place.

Twist 11: Everything seems twisted and convoluted, and Spencer is thoroughly confused.

Clue 6: Elyne says that her pack station is the only one within reach of the death zone.

Reveal: Spencer discovers another pack station on the other side of the mountain that is a close or closer to the murder zone as Elyne’s.

Distrust: Why did Elyne not know this? Did she not know, truly, or is she lying? Why?

Twist 12: Spencer once again begins to question Elyne. Is she covering for Russell?

Distrust: Spencer’s distrust of Elyne returns. Along with his growing distrust of Russell.

Misdirection: The focus returns to Elyne and some possible relationship between her and Russell.

TURNING POINT 1: Spencer returns to his suspicions about Elyne, her dogs, and her relationship to Russell

Twist 13: Russell orders Spencer to cease and desist his investigations.

Misdirection: Russell turns on Elyne, suggests it was some sort of revenge killing with her well-trained “killer dogs.”

Twist 14: Russell now favors Spencer’s version of what happened, and Elyne becomes furious with both Spenser and Russell.

Midpoint Twist: Spencer is forced to suspect Russell, now, instead of Elyne

Turning Point 2: Spencer has Russell backed into a corner. He is clearly the suspect, but why? It doesn’t matter. Russell comes after Spencer, loaded for bear, and Spencer has to run for his life.

ETC.

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 13

Alfred’s Misdirects… When Appropriate

What I learned doing this assignment is:

1. Timing all the clues, twists, sequences, reveals, and misdirects is tricky. I will continue to modify this as I figure out new details for the story.

2. At least in this storyline, the misdirects seem to cluster toward the beginning. I doubt this is true for other stories, but I don’t know.

ASSIGNMENT

1. Check these three to see how effectively you used misdirection

A. The Red Herring character

I can do better. I’m still uncertain as to how I want to sequence the incidents and clues

B. The Villain’s plan.

I think maybe I’m still beginning to expose him too early

C. The cover-up for each mystery, is present as “Reality.”

See Map

2. Look through your Thriller Map for a few opportunities to add in misdirection.

A. Clue Misdirection.

B. Character Misdirection.

C. Dialogue Misdirection.

3. Decide on the ones that work and add them to the Thriller Map.

THRILLER MAP

MYSTERY: Who or what killed four hikers in a remote mountain wilderness?

END RESULT: Wild animals or Aliens are ruled out. The evidence points to murder.

HERO: Spencer

VILLAIN: Russell

RED HERRING : Elyne Monet

The Villain’s backstory – the part not seen:

There is an earthquake in a remote corner of a National Park. A park ranger, Russell, is sent to investigate the area around the epicenter. To his surprise, in the ruptured earth, he finds pure gold along with incredibly pure ore. He calculates: 6 mules, 2-30lb sacks per mule (good mules can carry up to 150 pounds for short distances, but this is rugged territory, and the distance is 20+ miles), that’s a total of 180 pounds of high-grade ore which, at 50% pure, is worth, at $1800/ounce, close to $30 million.

It is against the law to remove anything from a National Park, but Russell gets greedy and carries out his plan. Then, he gets even greedier, hopes to return, and repeats the process, later, tries to hide the vein, fences the area off as a protected habitat and area, then bobby-traps the site, just in case. Four nosey hikers who don’t know how to obey, much less believe in signs, enter the area. and are blasted to pieces with a device that cuts them to ribbons. Scavengers finish the mutilation.

ACT 1

STEP 1 – FADE IN/Opening/Call to Adventure: (the HERO is reluctant to go)

Status Quo

STORY: Spencer is a National Park Ranger who loves fishing for Golden trout in the high mountain lakes –. He fishes. He fries his fish on a tiny camp burner, eats, and retires under a magnificent high-altitude sky so densely packed with stars, the constellations disappear. Sounds of coyote songs waft up the mountains, and Spencer sleeps content. In the morning, at first light, a cup of coffee, some pemican, and a hasty retreat by a slightly different route. He discovers a massacre – four dead bodies, somewhat desiccated. Wary, he touches nothing and stays outside a low fence with “Endangered Species Habitat – Keep Out” signs. Just outside the National Park wilderness area is a lodge. Spencer calls his superior, Russell, and Russell tells him to stay put and say nothing. Too late. The lodge owner, Elyne Monet, originally from the French Alps, already knows. Others have already reported it, and she is full of stories of Old-World mythical creatures such as Owlbears and the Great Bahamut (a shapeshifter), and even Aliens. These stories have preceded Spencer down the mountain.

MISDIRECTION 1 – CLUE TYPE – The audience is directed toward thinking science fiction/mythology

CLUE 1 Spencer just stumbled onto this scene and knows nothing about it. But how would Russell know for sure?

TRUST: Spencer and Russell are National Park Rangers who have worked together for some time. They know each other and trust each other.

STORY: Russell joins Spencer, and the next day they rent two horses and four mules to haul the somewhat desiccated bodies out of the mountains, to Russell’s waiting truck, and are delivered to the County Coroner.

TWIST 1 Direction: Spencer goes fishing, but stumbles onto four dead bodies.

Twist: Spencer ends his happy time by getting embroiled in a murder investigation.

LIFE THREATENING 1: Mutilated dead bodies have been found in the mountains.

MYSTERY 1: Who or what did this? Why up in the mountains?

INTRIGUE 1: Some of the townspeople in the valley outside the National Park are already claiming that it’s the work of Aliens. Others claim wild animals.

SUSPENCE 1: Where does one even begin?

LIFE THREATENING 2: Spencer is not aware of what Russell has done to cause this (back story which we do not know, yet).

STORY: The lodge owner, Elyne Bonet, has a small farm, of sorts (with goats and chickens, primarily), which she keeps for fresh milk and eggs (because the trip into town his long and slow), and three huge Irish Wolfhounds to guard her farm.

MISDIRECTION 2 – CHARACTER TYPE – The audience is directed toward thinking that Elyna may have done it – maybe with the help of her dogs.

CLUE 2 Maybe the dogs had something to do with the deaths.

DISTRUST: Spencer raises questions about Elyne and her dogs. He thinks she’s “crazy as a loon.”

Story: The lodge is old and rustic and marginally comfortable, but the lodge owner, Elyne, a youngish French woman, puts on a tasty meal and entertains them, before the Great Stone Fireplace, the night they’re there, with scary tales of the mythical characters and creatures like owlbears and Bahamut – creatures that are also shape-shifters. “Watch out! That beautiful woman you meet may just be Bahamut on the prowl!” Elyne affirms that according to her information, there were four bodies.

Story: The dogs, though some distance away from the dead bodies, go wild.

TWIST 2 Direction: Russell is Spencer’s superior and thinks he knows more than he does and has more experience than he does – a little self-deception that Spencer seems to put up with. But he now seems willing to hide the story behind tales of mythical creatures and Aliens, if necessary.

Twist: Spencer immediately begins to question Russell’s judgment. Tells him of his distrust of Elyne.

CLUE 3 Why is Russell willing to do this? It’s idiotic.

DISTRUST: Spencer thinks, Russell is becoming as “batshit crazy” as Elyne.

Direction: Russell trusts that he can keep Spencer focused on the bodies and from not asking too many questions. Spins a theory that in presenting an unbelievable fiction people will like, like the stories of Big Foot.

Twist: But Spencer gets caught up in a serious challenge and that threatens Russell. So, Spencer tries to hide what he’s doing.

TWIST 3 Direction: Russell is perhaps too eager to pass the findings off as otherworldly.

Twist: Spencer continues to question Russell’s sincerity in bowing to rumor.

DISTRUST: Spencer loses faith in Russell, and this gets Spencer to questioning the evidence even more.

MYSTERY 2: The bodies are mutilated, but Spencer cannot see any specific weaponry being used (like guns, knives, etc.).

MYSTERY 3: Spencer has degrees in biology. Why is that area fenced off? It doesn’t seem appropriate to him.

TWIST 4 Direction: Russell continues to be too eager to pass the findings off as Alien.

Twist: Spencer further questions Russell’s motives for championing such nonsense – suspects Elyne.

VILLAIN’S PLAN 1: Is to try to get Spencer, and everyone else, to agree with him and pass it off as Aliens or wild animals.

MYSTERY 4: Who is this Elyne woman, anyway? Is she nuts or just strange?

INTREGUE 2: Why is Elyne telling these crazy stories? What is she hiding?

SUSPENSE 2: Is Spencer and Russell in danger?

DISTRUST: Spencer loses more faith in Russell, and this gets Spencer to questioning the evidence even more, including the evidence implicating Elyne.

DISTRUST: Elyne’s stories are a bit too much for Spencer… and those dogs?! What about those vicious dogs.

STEP 2 — Inciting Incident/ Story: (the HERO must find an answer/solution).

Story: After the bodies are hauled down the mountain and delivered to the County Coroner….

TRUST: Spencer is more-or-less forced to side with Russell. He cannot think of anything else, and there are those dogs, after all!

TWIST 5

Direction: Russell is beginning to suspect the lodge owner, Elyna (or at least he says he is).

Twist: Elyne claims iron-clad proof she could not have done it

CLUE 4 Elyna probably has nothing to do with the dead hikers.

STORY: Still, Elyna appears untrustworthy to Spencer, despite her claims. He continues to question her mental state which could nullify everything she claims

LIFE THREATENING 3: If Elyna should be the killer, Spencer and Russell could be next. Spencer decides to back off from provoking her further.

TWIST 6

Direction: The dogs are huge, growling and baring their teeth (and they went wild when the bodies were hauled out of the mountains).

Twist: Elyna, takes Spencer to the dogs, speaks to the dogs, and they become as docile as kittens.

TRUST: Spencer thinks maybe he’s being too hard on Elyna.

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? The dogs are not good evidence for the killings.B. How did it get covered up? The dogs acted viciously when Spencer first encountered them and again when they hauled the bodies out of the mountains.C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The mystery is, did they or didn’t they (the dogs)? The intrigue is in the possibilities: Maybe they appear innocent only in the presence of Elyna. Maybe Elyna ordered the attack. Maybe Elyna, did it?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Elyna is beginning to look as innocent as the dogs, and Russell is raising questions about himself. This leaves the investigation dangling.

MISDIRECTION 3 – DIALOGUE TYPE – The audience is directed toward thinking that neither Elyna nor her dogs may have done it. The focus changes to wild animals (or Aliens), again.

STORY: Spencer changes his mind about Elyna– he goes from distrust to at least partial trust. She seems to have good excuses.

TWIST 7

Direction: Russell orders Spencer to cease and desist his looking for more evidence.

Twist: Spencer can’t let the mystery alone, however, and since he’s already lost faith in Russell, he covertly continues, anyway.

STORY: The relationship between Spencer and Russell is further weakened

DISTRUST: Spencer thinks Russell is up to something. Like what?

LIFE THREATENING 4: Spencer has no idea of what he’s walking into.

TWIST 8

Direction: The idea peddled to the corner is that wild animals attacked the hikers (Spencer has at least convinced Russell to tone down his rhetoric so he doesn’t sound like a raving idiot).

Twist: Later, Spencer returns. The corner says, “it looks more like they were bombed.” This is not the sole work of wild animals.

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? – The evidence does not fully support the idea of wild animals or Aliens. Murder?B. How did it get covered up? – Russell has been too anxious to support an unsupportable theory.C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? – the mystery remains: who or what, and the suspense is in the lack of a definite answer.D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. – the impact lies in the lack of anything definite, and this only strengthens the unknown: mythical creatures or Aliens?

MYSTERY 5: What would cause these sorts of wounds?

INTRIGUE 3: Is there any possibility that the coroner could be right? Could they have been bombed or perhaps had some other sort of mechanical device used on them? Spencer does not recall any unusual sounds, but the bodies had been there for some amount of time..

TWIST 9

Direction: The corner remains fixed in his judgment. Russell tries to get him to change hid Dx. He will not, so Russell is not happy.

Twist: Spencer considers the coroner’s words and thinks the dead hikers were murdered.

LIFE THREATENING 5: Spencer is raising questions that are putting him in danger of Russell.

TWIST 10

Direction: Spencer is biologically savvy enough to question why that area is fenced-off.

Twist: He discovers that Russell requestioned wire. Russell says he simply forgot… knows nothing else or who it was for.

DISTRUST: Is Russell going senile? Or worse?

STORY: Spencer now fully distrusts Russell. Is he simply getting old and forgetful (or worse), or his he hiding something? Spencer calls around and can find nobody who will own up to having cordoned-off the area in the mountains. No college or university is doing any study in that area, but there are too many possibilities. Maybe some private group. Still, Russell’s name is the only one that Spencer can attach to the wire requisition.

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? Russell is either lying about something, or he is going senile.B. How did it get covered up? Russell explicitly says he knows nothing about the habitat area.C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? We have a mystery within a mystery. How does one unwind that? Who ordered that area fenced-off? And why?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Is Russell’s mind failing him or is he flat-out lying? If he’s lying, why? What’s he hiding?

CLUE 5 There was an earthquake about two weeks before the grizzly deaths.

TWIST 11

Direction: Everything seems random and disconnected. However —

Twist: Spencer learns that the epicenter is in the same area as the fence and the dead bodies.

STORY: Spencer is beginning to reconsider – could Russell have had anything to do with this?

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? There appears to be some sort of connection between the earthquake, the fence, and the dead bodies.B. How did it get covered up? Russell has misled everyone with constant talk of wild animals (what wild animals, at this altitude?) and Aliens (where’s any real evidence?).C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The mystery is still buried in all the possibilities and the unknown.D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Russell is demanding an end to the investigating, but new clues keep popping up – the earthquake? What could that possibly have to do with anything? It only raises the stakes

STORY: Spencer’s Distrust of Elyna returns. He discovers another pack station on the other side of the mountain. Why is Elyna unaware of this?

MISDIRECTION 4 – CLUE TYPE – The audience is once again directed toward thinking that maybe Elyna and her dogs could still be guilty.

CLUE 6 There is, in fact, a pack station on the other side of the mountain with an approach to the mutilations site as close or closer than Elyne’s.

TWIST 12

Direction: Elyna states that her pack station is the only one in the area near the mutilations.

Twist: Spencer discovers another pack station, but on the other side of the mountain.

DISTRUST: Why does Elyne not know this? Is she hiding something, or does she really not know?

VILLAIN’S PLAN 2: To try and keep Spencer quiet – get Spencer to quit asking questions that might expose him

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? There is another pack station on the other side of the mountain.B. How did it get covered up? Hilda says her pack station is the only one in the region. Why does she not know of her local competition?C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The mystery becomes how did all that wire make its way up the mountain, by whom, when, and why?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Russell apparently knows more than he’s willing to acknowledge, as well as Hilda.

TURNING POINT 1 – Spencer again suspects Elyna’s dogs and a coverup, despite all

VILLAIN’S PLAN 3: To milk Spencer’s belief that it was Elyne and her dogs.

LIFE THREATENING 6: If guilty, will Elyne try to quiet Spencer if/when she suspects “he knows too much.”

DISTRUST: Elyne’s stories continue to be a bit too much for Spencer, and then, there are those dogs! He has no real evidence, but he still distrusts her.

ACT 2

STEP 3 – Elyna becomes the focus of both Russell and Spencer.

TWIST 13

Direction: Russell discovers that Spencer is still asking questions.

Twist: However, Spencer, without revealing all his evidence, tells Russell he still suspects Elyne and her huge dogs that either got loose or were taken to the area. Revenge for something, maybe? Russell likes that. A revenge killing.

The trust between Spencer and Russell is still shakey, despite Russell’s regained trust in Spencer.

MISDIRECTION 5 – WRITER TYPE – Spencer thinks up a new idea. Maybe Elyne did it, but as a revenge killing for something the hikers did. They don’t know how to obey signs, so maybe they did something to her and she simply got even? Maybe she’s been trying to misdirect everyone, all along.

VILLAIN’S PLAN 4: He just wants to get Spencer, and everyone else, to agree with him and pass it off simplistically, to let himself off as a potential suspect with ne evidence. He’s made mistakes and he knows he’s in danger of being found out.

TWIST 14

Direction: Russell is pleased with Spencer’s viewpoint shift, but pays Elyne a visit, on the quiet.

Twist: Elyne becomes angry and wary of both Spencer and Russell.

STEP 4 –Elyna becomes less and less a focus, to Spencer.

MIDPOINT TWIST: (THE EYE OPENER) – Spencer now begins to suspect Russell

LIFE THREATENING #: Russell is the Villain, but why and how? Spencer is still in the dark about the truth.

ACT 3

STEP 5 – Russell becomes the focus

STEP 6 – Russell is caught red-handed.

LIFE THREATENING #: Russell is the Villain, but why and how? Evidence mounts.

TURNING POINT 2: (The Battle Seems Lost) – (The Antagonist/Villain appears to have vanquished the)

LIFE THREATENING #: – literally takes on a new meaning as Spencer struggles to stay alive.

MYSTERY #: Will Spencer make it through this ordeal?

INTRIGUE #: Elyne is beginning to see through Russell.

SUSPENSE #: What will Elyne do with her newfound suspensions?

VILLAIN’S PLAN #– To kill Spencer and default back to putting the suspicion on Elyna.

ACT 4

CRISIS: Protagonist (HERO) and Antagonist (Villain) must meet face-to-face.

LIFE THREATENING #:– This has literally become a life-and-death battle.

MYSTERY #: – Who will survive?

VILLAIN’S PLAN #– To stay alive by vanquishing Spencer.

STEP 7 – Spencer must run for his life and stop Russell before Russell stops him.

LIFE THREATENING +: Russell must eliminate Spencer in a wild drive to protect himself.

STEP 8 — Climax: (Final Conflict — one must emerge the winner)

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 12

Alfred Gives Great Clues

What I learned doing this assignment is:

1. Ordering the clues and reveals are trickier than I thought. One misplaced clue or reveal can spoil he story.

2. This being the case, I re-brain-stormed through the opening scenes, focusing entirely on the Hero, Spencer.

3. And then I did a bit of re-ordering of the sequence of events.

4. I’m certain this will continue as I discover more story direction and events.

ASSIGNMENT

List out the three or four main mysteries in your story.

a. Who or what killed the four hikers?

b. Who is Elyna and is she nuts or just smart?

c. What is Russell up to?

d. Is Russell truly the Villain, after all

e. ?

Create a list of clues for each of the main mysteries in your story.

CLUE 1 Spencer claims to have just stumbled onto this scene and knows nothing. But how would Russell know for sure?

CLUE 2 Maybe the dogs had something to do with the deaths.

CLUE 3 Why is Russell willing to do this? It’s idiotic.

CLUE 4 Elyna probably has nothing to do with anything.

CLUE 5 Russell requisitioned wire – for the fence?

CLUE 6 There was an earthquake about two weeks before the grizzly deaths.

CLUE 7 Elyna’s pack station in NOT the only one in the area.

So far, and I’ still not sure of the order, yet.

Decide which clues you want to use and sequence those into clue trails for each mystery.

(See Map)

Add the clue trails to your Thriller Map.

(See Map)

THRILLER MAP

MYSTERY: Who or what killed four hikers in a remote mountain wilderness?

END RESULT: Wild animals or Aliens are ruled out. The evidence points to murder.

HERO: Spencer

VILLAIN: Russell

RED HERRING : Elyne Monet

The Villain’s backstory – the part not seen:

There is an earthquake in a remote corner of a National Park. A park ranger, Russell, is sent to investigate the area around the epicenter. To his surprise, in the ruptured earth he finds pure gold along with incredibly pure ore. He calculates: 6 mules, 2-30lb sacks per mule (good mules can carry up to 150 pounds for short distances, but this is rugged territory, and the distance is 20+ miles), that’s a total of 180 pounds of high-grade ore which is worth close to $30 million. It is against the law to remove anything from a National Park, but he gets greedy and carries out his plan. But he gets even greedier, hopes to return, tries to hide the vein, fences the area off as a protected habitat and then bobby-traps the site, just in case. Four nosey hikers who don’t know how to obey, much less believe in signs, enter the area and are blasted to pieces with a device that cuts them to ribbons. Scavengers finish the mutilation.

ACT 1

STEP 1 – FADE IN/OPENING/CALL TO ADVENTURE: (The HERO is reluctant to go)

Status Quo

STORY: Spencer is a National Park Ranger who loves fishing the high lakes – Golden trout. He fishes. He fries his fish on a tiny camp burner, eats, and retires under a magnificent high-altitude sky so densely packed with stars, the constellations disappear. Sounds of coyote songs waft up the mountains, and Spencer sleeps content. In the morning, at first light, a cup of coffee, some pemican, and a hasty retreat. On his way down, by a slightly different route, he discovers the massacre. Wary, he touches nothing, and stays outside a low fence with endangered species habitat – keep out – signs. Just outside the National Park wilderness area is lodge. Spencer calls his superior, Russell, and Russell tells him to stay put and say nothing. Too late. The lodge owner, Elyne Monet, originally from the French Alps, already knows. Others have already reported it, and she is already full of Old-World mythical stories about Owlbears, the Great Bahamut (a shape shifter), and even Aliens. Those stories precede Spencer down the mountain.

CLUE 1 Spencer claims to havejust stumbled onto this scene and knows nothing. But how would Russell know for sure?

TRUST: Spencer and Russell are National Park Rangers who have worked together for some time. They know each other and trust each other.

STORY: Russell joins Spencer, and the next day the rent two horses and four mules to haul the somewhat desiccated bodies out of the mountains, to Russell’s truck, and are delivered to the County Coroner.

TWIST 1 Direction: Spencer goes fishing, but stumbles onto four dead bodies.

Twist: Russell ends his happy time by embroiling him in a murder investigation.

LIFE THREATENING 1: Mutilated dead bodies have been found in the mountains.

MYSTERY 1: Who or what did this? Why up in the mountains?

INTRIGUE 1: Some of the town people in the valley outside the National Park are already claiming that it’s the work of Aliens. Others claim wild animals.

LIFE THREATENING 2: Spencer is not aware of what Russell has done to cause this (back story).

STORY: The lodge owner, Elyne Bonet, has a small farm, of sorts, with three huge Irish Wolfhounds to guard her goats and chickens (primarily), which she keeps for fresh milk and eggs (the trip into town his long and slow).

CLUE 2 Maybe the dogs had something to do with the deaths?

DISTRUST: Spencer raises questions about Elyne, and he dogs. He thinks she’s “crazy as a loon.”

Story: The lodge is old and rustic and marginally comfortable, but the lodge owner, Elyne, a youngish French woman, puts on a tasty meal and entertains them, before the Great Stone Fireplace, the night they’re there, with scary tales of the mythical characters and creatures like owlbears and Bahamut – creatures that are also shape-shifters. “Watch out! That beautiful woman you meet may just be Bahamut on the prowl!” Elyne affirms that according to her information, there were four bodies.

Story: The dogs, though some distance away from the dead bodies, go wild.

TWIST 2 Direction: Russell is Spencer’s superior and thinks he knows more than he does and has more experience than he does – a little self-deception that Spencer seems to put up with. But he now seems willing to hide the story behind tales of mythical creatures and Aliens, if necessary.

Twist: Spencer immediately begins to question Russell’s judgement. Tells him of his distrust of Hilda.

CLUE 3 Why is Russell willing to do this? It’s idiotic.

DISTRUST: Spencer thinks, Eylne is “batshit crazy.”

Direction: Russell trusts that he can keep Spencer focused on the bodies and from not asking too many questions. Spins his theory as presenting an unbelievable fiction people will like, like the stories of Big Foot.

Twist: But Spencer gets caught up in the challenge and that threatens Russell. Spencer tries to hide what he’s doing.

TWIST 3 Direction: Russell is perhaps too eager to pass the findings off as otherworldly.

Twist: Spencer continues to questions Russell’s sincerity in bowing to rumor.

DISTRUST: Spencer loses faith in Russell, and this gets Spencer to questioning the evidence even more.

MYSTERY 2: The bodies are mutilated, but Spencer cannot see any specific weaponry being used (guns, knives, etc.)?

MYSTERY 3: Why is that area fenced off? It doesn’t seem appropriate.

TWIST 4 Direction: Russell continues to be too eager to pass the findings off as Alien

Twist: Spencer questions Russell’s motives for championing such nonsense.

VILLAIN’S PLAN 1: Is to try to get Spencer, and everyone else, to agree with him and pass it off as Aliens or wild animals

MYSTERY 4: Who is this Hilda woman, anyway? Is she nuts or just strange?

DISTRUST: Spencer loses more faith in Russell, and this gets Spencer to questioning the evidence even more, including Hilda.

DISTRUST: Elyna’s stories are a bit too much for Spencer… and those dogs?!

INCITING INCIDENT/DRIVER: (HERO MUST FIND AN ANSWER/SOLUTION)

TRUST: Spencer is more-or-less forced to side with Russell. He cannot think of anything else, and there are those dogs, after all!

TWIST 5

Direction: Spencer is beginning to suspect the lodge owner, Elyna, of more.

Twist: Hilda claims an iron-clad proof she could not have done it

CLUE 4 Elyna probably has nothing to do with anything.

STORY: Elyna still appears untrustworthy to Spencer, despite her claims. He continues to question her mental state.

LIFE THREATENING 3: If Elyna should be the killer, Spencer and Russell could be next. Spencer backs off from provoking her further.

TWIST 6

Direction: The dogs are huge, growling and baring their teeth.

Twist: Elyna, takes Spencer to the dogs, speaks to the dogs, they become as docile as kittens.

TRUST: Spencer thinks maybe he’s being too hard on Elyna.

STORY: Spencer changes his mind about Elyna– he goes from distrust to at least partial trust. She seems to have good excuses.

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? The dogs are not good evidence for the killings.B. How did it get covered up? The dogs acted viciously when Spencer first encountered them and again, when they hauled the bodies out of the mountains.C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The mystery is, did they or didn’t they (the dogs)? The intrigue is in the possibilities: Maybe they appear innocent only in the presence of Elyna. Maybe Elyna ordered the attack. Maybe Elyna, did it?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Elyna is beginning to look as innocent as the dogs, and Russell is raising questions about himself. This leaves the investigation dangling.

TWIST 7

Direction: Russell orders Spencer to cease and desist his looking for more evidence.

Twist: Spencer can’t let the mystery alone, however, and since he’s already lost faith in Russell, he covertly continues, anyway.

STORY: The relationship between Spencer and Russell is further weakened

LIFE THREATENING 4: Spencer has no idea of what he’s walking into.

STEP 2

STORY: After the bodies are hauled down the mountain and delivered to the County Coroner….

TWIST 8

Direction: The idea peddled to the corner is that wild animals attacked the hikers (Spencer has at least convinced Russell to tone-down his rhetoric so he doesn’t sound like a raving idiot).

Twist: Later, after Russell is gone, the corner says, “it looks more like they were bombed. This is not the sole work of wild animals.

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? – The evidence does not fully support the idea of wild animals or Aliens. Murder?B. How did it get covered up? – Russell has been too anxious to support an unsupportable theory.C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? – the mystery remains: who or what, and the suspense is in the lack of a definite answer.D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. – the impact lies in the lack of anything definite, and this only strengthens the unknown: mythical creatures or Aliens?

MYSTERY 5: What would cause these sorts of wounds?

INTRIGUE 2: Is there any possibility that the coroner could be right? Could they have been bombed or perhaps had some other sort of mechanical device used on them? Spencer does not recall any unusual sounds.

TWIST 9

Direction: The corner remains fixed in his judgement. Russell is not happy.

Twist: Spencer considers the coroner’s words and thinks the dead hikers were murdered.

LIFE THREATENING 5: Spencer is raising questions that are putting him in danger of Russell.

CLUE 5 Russell requisitioned wire – for the fence?

TWIST 10

Direction: Spencer is biologically savvy enough to question why that area is fenced-off.

Twist: He discovers that Russell requestioned wire. Russell says he simply forgot… knows nothing else or who it was for.

DISTRUST: Is Russell going senile? Or worse?

STORY: Spencer now fully distrusts Russell. Is he simply getting old and forgetful (or worse), or his he hiding something? Spencer calls around and can find nobody who will own up to having cordoned-off the area in the mountains. No college or university is doing any study in that area, but there are too many possibilities. Maybe some private group. Still, Russell’s name is the only one that Spencer can attach to the wire requisition.

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? Russell is either lying about something, or he is going senile.B. How did it get covered up? Russell explicitly says he knows nothing about the habitat area.C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? We have a mystery within a mystery. How does one unwind that? Who ordered that area fenced-off? And why?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Is Russell’s mind failing him or is he flat-out lying? If he’s lying, why? What’s he hiding?

CLUE 6 There was an earthquake about two weeks before the grizzly deaths.

TWIST 11

Direction: Everything seems random and disconnected. However —

Twist: Spencer learns that the epicenter is in the same area as the fence and the dead bodies.

STORY: Spencer is beginning to reconsider – could Russell have had anything to do with this?

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? There appears to be some sort of connection between the earthquake, the fence, and the dead bodies.B. How did it get covered up? Russell has misled everyone with constant talk of wild animals (what wild animals, at this altitude?) and Aliens (where’s any real evidence?).C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The mystery is still buried in all the possibilities and the unknown.D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Russell is demanding an end to the investigating, but new clues keep popping up – the earthquake? What could that possibly have to do with anything? It only raises the stakes

CLUE 7 Elyna’s pack station in NOT the only one in the area.

TWIST 12

Direction: Elyna states that her pack station is the only on in the area near the mutilations.

Twist: Spencer discovers another pack station, but on the other side of the mountain.

DISTRUST:

STORY: Spencer’s Distrust of Elyna returns. He discovers another pack station on the other side of the mountain. Why is Elyna unaware of this?

VILLAIN’S PLAN 2: To try and keep Spencer quiet – get Spencer to quit asking questions that might expose him

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? There is another pack station on the other side of the mountain.B. How did it get covered up? Hilda says her pack station is the only one in the region. Why does she not know of her local competition?C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The mystery becomes how did all that wire make its way up the mountain, by whom, when, and why?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Russell apparently knows more than he’s willing to acknowledge, as well as Hilda.

TURNING POINT 1 – Spencer again suspects Elyna’s dogs and a coverup, despite all

VILLAIN’S PLAN 4: To milk Spencer’s belief that it was Hilda and her dogs.

LIFE THREATENING 6: If guilty, will Hilda try to quiet Spencer if/when she suspects “he knows to much.”

DISTRUST: Hilda’s stories continue to be a bit too much for Spencer, and then, there are those dogs! He has no real evidence, but he still distrusts her.

ACT 2

STEP 3 – Elyna becomes the focus of both Russell and Spencer.

TWIST 13

Direction: Russell discovers that Spencer is still asking questions.

Twist: However, Spencer, without revealing all his evidence, tells Russell he still suspects Hilda and her huge dogs that either got loose or were taken to the area. Revenge for something, maybe?

STORY: The trust between Spencer and Russell is gone, despite Russell’s regained trust in Spencer.

VILLAIN’S PLAN 3: Try to get Spencer, and everyone else, to agree with him and pass it off simplistically.

TWIST 14

Direction: Russell is pleased with Spencer’s viewpoint shift, but pays Hilda a visit, on the quiet.

Twist: Elyna becomes angry and wary of Spencer.

STEP 4 –Elyna becomes less and less a focus, to Spencer.

MIDPOINT TWIST: (THE EYE OPENER) – Spencer now begins to suspect Russell

LIFE THREATENING #: Russell is the Villain, but why and how? Spencer is still in the dark about the truth.

ACT 3

STEP 5 – Russell becomes the focus

STEP 6 – Russell is caught red-handed.

LIFE THREATENING #: Russell is the Villain, but why and how? Evidence mounts.

TURNING POINT 2: (THE BATTLE SEEMS LOST) – (THE ANTAGONIST/VILLAIN APPEARS TO HAVE VANQUISHED THE HERO)

LIFE THREATENING #: – literally takes on a new meaning as Spencer struggles to stay alive.

MYSTERY #: – Will Spencer make it through this ordeal?

VILLAIN’S PLAN #– to kill Spencer and default to putting the suspicion back on Elyna.

ACT 4

CRISIS: PROTAGONIST (HERO) AND ANTAGONIST (VILLAIN) MUST MEET FACE TO FACE)

LIFE THREATENING #:– This has literally become a life and death battle.

MYSTERY #: – Who will survive?

VILLAIN’S PLAN #– To stay alive by vanquishing Spencer.

STEP 7 – Spencer must run for his life and stop Russell before Russell stops him.

LIFE THREATENING +: Russell must eliminate Spencer in a wild drive to protect himself.

STEP 8 — CLIMAX: (FINAL CONFLICT — ONE MUST EMERGE A WINNER)

RESOLUTION-/-DENOUMENT: (NEW STATUS QUO)

5. Give us the latest version of your Thriller Map

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 11

Alfred’s Dramatic Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment is:

I need more thought-input into my reveals. The still don’t have the impact I’m looking for. Maybe I still don’t have enough grasp of the O.S. (Overall Story), yet.

1. Make a list of the important reveals that you want the audience to experience.

(See Map)

2. Sequence them to fit into your Thriller Map.

(See Map)

3. With each reveal, make sure the following are in place:

(See Map)

· A. What is the reveal?

· B. How did it get covered up?

· C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?

· D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.

4. Build any improvements into your Thriller Map.

(See Map)

5. Tell us about the reveals you built into your Thriller Map.

It seems to me that each twist is initiated by a reveal or partial reveal. Some reveals seem more dramatic than others. I need to think of ways to make all of them more dramatic.

THRILLER MAP

ACT 1

STEP 1 – OPENING/CALL TO ADVENTURE: (The HERO is reluctant)

Status Quo

TRUST: Spencer and Russell are Rangers who have worked together for some time. They know each other and trust each other.

STORY: Russell, Spencer’s boss, has just received orders to investigate a remote site in the mountains where several mutilated bodies have been discovered and reported.

TWIST 1 Direction: Spencer has plans of going fishing.

Twist: Russell has other plans and won’t reconsider finding someone else. He’s peeved.

LIFE THREATENING 1: Mutilated dead bodies have been found in the mountains.

MYSTERY 1: Who are they? Why up in the mountains? Who or what did this?

INTRIGUE 1: Some of the town people in the valley outside the National Park are claiming that it’s the work of Aliens. Others claim wild animals.

LIFE THREATENING 2: Spencer is not aware of what Russell has done to cause this (back story).

Story: Russell and Spencer take a, narrow, long, winding road into the mountains, to a lodge and pack station, just outside the National Park perimeter. They stay in the lodge, overnight

Story: The lodge owner has a small farm, of sorts, with three huge Irish Wolfhounds to guard her goats and chickens (primarily), which she keeps for fresh milk and eggs (the trip into town his long and slow).

Story: The lodge is old and rustic and marginally comfortable, but the lodge owner, Hilda, a youngish Austrian woman, puts on a tasty meal and entertains them, before the Great Stone Fireplace, with scary tales of the mythical characters and creatures like owlbears and Bahamut – creatures that are also shape-shifters. “Watch out! That beautiful woman you meet may just be Bahamut on the prowl!” Hilda affirms that according to her information, there are four bodies.

Story: Russell and Spencer rent horses from the pack station, head south, up into the mountains, and by late afternoon, they are back, body count affirmed. There is a fenced-off habitat, area. Spencer thinks the fenced-off area is odd. He is a biologist and sees no sense in it. A lovely young female hiker passes by – stops long enough to watch – says nothing.

Story: Next day, they repeat the same trek with four pack mules. They bag the bodies and pack them out, with four very jumpy, unhappy mules.

Story: The dogs, though some distance away, go wild.

TWIST 2 Direction: Russell is Spencer’s “boss” and thinks he knows more and has more experience than he does – a little self-deception.

Twist: Spencer immediately begins to question Russell’s judgement. Tells him of his distrust of Hilda

DISTRUST: Spencer thinks, Hilda is “crazier than a loon.”

Direction: Russell trusts that he can keep Spencer focused on the bodies and from not asking too many questions.

Twist: Spencer gets caught up in the challenge and that threatens Russell. Spencer tries to control it.

TWIST 3 Direction: Russell is perhaps too eager to pass the findings off as Alien

Twist: Spencer questions Russell’s sincerity in bowing to rumor.

DISTRUST: Spencer loses faith in Russell, and this gets Spencer to questioning the evidence even more.

MYSTERY 2: The bodies are mutilated, but Spencer cannot see any specific weaponry being used (guns, knives, etc.)?

MYSTERY 3: Why is that area fenced off? It doesn’t seem appropriate.

TWIST 4 Direction: Russell continues to be perhaps too eager to pass the findings off as Alien

Twist: Spencer questions Russell’s motives for championing such nonsense.

VILLAIN’S PLAN 1: Is to try to get Spencer, and everyone else, to agree with him and pass it off as Aliens or wild animals

MYSTERY 4: Who is this Hilda woman, anyway? Is she nuts or just strange?

DISTRUST: Spencer loses more faith in Russell, and this gets Spencer to questioning the evidence even more, including Hilda.

DISTRUST: Hilda’s stories are a bit too much for Spencer… and those dogs?!

INCITING INCIDENT/DRIVER: (HERO MUST FIND AN ANSWER/SOLUTION)

TRUST: Spencer is more-or-less forced to side with Russell. He cannot think of anything else, and there are those dogs, after all!

TWIST 5

Direction: Spencer is beginning to suspect the lodge owner, Hilda, of more.

Twist: Hilda claims an iron-clad proof she could not have done it

Hilda appears untrustworthy, to Spencer despite her claims. He continues to question her mental state.

LIFE THREATENING 3: If Hilda is the killer, Spencer and Russell could be next. Spencer backs off.

TWIST 6

Direction: Russell orders Spencer to cease and desist his looking for more evidence.

Twist: Spencer can’t let the mystery alone, however, and since he’s already lost faith in Russell, he covertly continues, anyway.

The relationship between Spencer and Russell is further weakened

LIFE THREATENING 4: Spencer has no idea of what he’s walking into.

STEP 2

Story: The bodies are hauled down the mountain and delivered to the County Coroner.

TWIST 7

Direction: The idea peddled to the corner is that wild animals attacked the hikers.

Twist: Later, after Russell is gone, the corner says, “it looks more like they were bombed.”

INTRIGUE 2: Is there any possibility that the coroner could be right? Could they have been bombed or perhaps had some other sort of mechanical device used on them?

TWIST 8

Direction: The corner remains mixed in his judgement.

Twist: Spencer considers the coroner’s words and thinks the dead were murdered.

LIFE THREATENING 5: Spencer is raising questions that are putting him in danger of Russell.

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? – The evidence does not fully support the idea of wild animals or Aliens.B. How did it get covered up? – Russell has been too anxious to support an unsupportable theory.C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? – the mystery remains: who or what, and the suspense is in the lack of a definite answer.D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. – the impact lies in the lack of anything definite, and this only strengthens the unknown: mythical creatures or Aliens?

TWIST 9

Direction: Spencer is biologically savvy enough to question why that area is fenced.

Twist: He discovers that Russell requestioned the wire. Russell says he simply forgot… knows nothing else.

Spencer now fully distrusts Russell. Is he simply getting old and forgetful (or worse), or his he hiding something?

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? Russell is lying about something.B. How did it get covered up? Russell explicitly says he knows nothing about the habitat area.C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? We have a mystery within a mystery. How does one unwind that? Who ordered that area fenced-off? And why?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Is Russell’s mind failing him or is he flat-out lying? If he’s lying, why? What’s he hiding?

TWIST 10

Direction: The dogs are huge, growling and baring their teeth.

Twist: Hilda, takes Spencer to the dogs, speaks to the dogs, they become as docile as kittens.

Spencer is changing his mind about Hilda – from distrust to trust. She seems to have good excuses.

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? The dogs are not good evidence for the killings.B. How did it get covered up? The dogs acted viciously when Spencer first encountered them.C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The mystery is, did they or didn’t they? The intrigue is in the possibilities: Maybe they appear innocent only in the presence of Hilda. Maybe Hilda ordered the attack. Maybe Hilda, did it?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Hilda is beginning to look as innocent as the dogs, and Russell is raising questions about himself. This leaves the investigation dangling.

TWIST 11

Direction: Everything seems random and disconnected. However —

Twist: Spencer learns that the epicenter is in the same area as the fence and the dead bodies.

Spencer is beginning to reconsider – could Russell have had anything to do with this?

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? There is some sort of connection between the earthquake, the fence, and the dead bodies.B. How did it get covered up? Russell has misled everyone with constant talk of wild animals (what wild animals, at this altitude?) and Aliens (where’s any real evidence?).C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The mystery is still buried in all the possibilities and the unknown.D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Russell is demanding an end to the investigating, but new clues keep popping up – the earthquake? What could that possibly have to do with anything? It only raises the stakes

TWIST 12

Direction: The lodge owner states that her nearby pack station is the only on in the area near the mutilations.

Twist: Spencer discovers another pack station, but on the other side of the mountain.

Spencer’s Distrust of Hilda returns. He discovers another pack station on the other side of the mountain. Why is Hilda unaware of this?

VILLAIN’S PLAN 2: To try and keep Spencer quiet – get Spencer to quit asking questions that might expose him

REVEAL

A. What is the reveal? There is another pack station on the other side of the mountain.B. How did it get covered up? Hilda says her pack station is the only one in the region. Why does she not know of her local competition?C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth? The mystery becomes how did all that wire make its way up the mountain, by whom, when, and why?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact. Russell apparently knows more than he’s willing to acknowledge, as well as Hilda.

TWIST 13

Direction: Russell discovers that Spencer is still asking questions.

Twist: However, Spencer, without revealing all his evidence, tells Russell he still suspects Hilda and her huge dogs that either got loose or were taken to the area. Revenge for something, maybe?

The trust between Spencer and Russell is gone, despite Russell’s regained trust in Spencer.

VILLAIN’S PLAN 3: Try to get Spencer, and everyone else, to agree with him and pass it off simplistically.

TWIST 14

Direction: Russell is pleased with Spencer’s viewpoint shift, but pays Hilda a visit, on the quiet.

Twist: Hilda becomes angry and wary of Spencer.

TURNING POINT 1 – Spencer still suspects Hilda’s dogs and a coverup, despite all

MYSTERY 5: What is going on in Russel’s head? He seemed to champion the wild animals, idea. Now he likes Spencer’s focus on Hilda

VILLAIN’S PLAN 4: To milk Spencer’s belief that it was Hilda and her dogs.

LIFE THREATENING 6: If guilty, will Hilda try to quiet Spencer if/when she suspects “he knows to much.”

DISTRUST: Hilda’s stories continue to be a bit too much for Spencer, and then, there are those dogs! He has no real evidence, but he still distrusts her.

ACT 2

STEP 3 – HILDA BECOMES THE FOCUS

STEP 4 –HILDA BECOMES LESS AND LESS A FOCUS

MIDPOINT TWIST: (THE EYE OPENER) – Spencer now begins to suspect Russell

LIFE THREATENING #: Russell is the Villain, but why and how? Spencer is still in the dark.

ACT 3

STEP 5 – RUSSELL BECOMES THE FOCUS

STEP 6

LIFE THREATENING #: Russell is the Villain, but why and how? Evidence mounts.

TURNING POINT 2: (THE BATTLE SEEMS LOST) – (THE ANTAGONIST/VILLAIN APPEARS TO HAVE VANQUISHED THE HERO)

LIFE THREATENING #:– literally takes on a new meaning as Spencer struggles to stay alive.

MYSTERY #: – Will Spencer make it?

VILLAIN’S PLAN #– to kill Spencer and default to putting the suspicion back on the lodge owner.

ACT 4

CRISIS: PROTAGONIST (HERO) AND ANTAGONIST (VILLAIN) MEET FACE TO FACE)

LIFE THREATENING #:– This has literally become a life and death battle.

MYSTERY #: – Who will survive?

VILLAIN’S PLAN #– To stay alive by vanquishing Spencer.

STEP 7 –SPENCER MUST RUN FOR HIS LIFE AND STOP RUSSEELL

LIFE THREATENING +: Russell must eliminate Spencer in a wild drive to protect himself.

STEP 8 — CLIMAX: (FINAL CONFLICT — ONE MUST EMERGE A WINNER)

RESOLUTION-/-DENOUMENT: (NEW STATUS QUO)

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 10

Alfred’s Trust Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment is:

I need to be more aware of where these Trustworthy, Untrustworthy, Changing relationships are occurring.

Create trust / distrust relationships between your characters and add them to your Thriller Map.

1. Make a list of the main characters.

· Hero: — Spencer

· Villain: — Russell

· Red Herring Character: — Hilda, (the lodge owner)

Hilda’s Dogs

· Trusted, but shouldn’t be: — Russell

· Isn’t trusted, but should be: Hilda (the lodge owner)

Hilda’s Dogs

2. With each character, ask these questions:

A. What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable?

· Hero: — Spencer – Trustworthy.

· Villain: — Russell, Trustworthy.

· Red Herring Character: — Hilda (the lodge owner), Not Trustworthy

Hilda’s Dogs, Not Trustworthy

· Trusted, but shouldn’t be: — Russell

· Isn’t trusted, but should be: Hilda (the lodge owner)

B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable?

· Russell is in a trusted position of authority, but covertly, he is the Villain.

· Spencer is trustable because he follows orders… up to the point where his orders don’t make sense anymore.

· Hilda is not very trustable because of her tall tales and her apparently vicious dogs.

C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?

· If Russell is caught in a lie, or even no longer seems credible, trust will slip over to distrust

· Ditto for Spencer

· I Hilda’s playacting is found out, her untrustworthiness will shift to trustworthiness.

3. With each character relationship, brainstorm how trust or distrust might show up between them.

Hero / Villain:Hero / Red Herring Character:Hero / Trusted, but shouldn’t be:Hero / Isn’t trusted, but should be:

(SEE MAP)

4. Create a sequence for each trust/distrust relationship (like I did with Three Days of The Condor) and then add that to your map.

(SEE MAP)

5. Give us the new version of your Thriller Map.

THRILLER MAP

ACT 1 – STEP 1 — STATUS QUO.

OPENING/CALL TO ADVENTURE: (STATUS QUO/HERO RELUCTANT)

Life threatening 1 — Mutilated dead bodies in a mountainous wilderness

TWIST 1

v Direction: Spencer is going fishing.

v Twist: Russell has other plans, won’t reconsider or find someone else.

Trusted relationship between boss and employee

Life threatening 2 — Russell, despite Spencer’s objections, sets off to assess the rumors

TWIST 2

v Direction: Russell thinks he is more qualified than he is.

v Twist: Spencer immediately begins noticing more things that Russell is.

Trusted relationship is called into question

Intrigue – Because of Aliens, mystical creatures? The true believers are scared

Mystery 1 – who or what thing or things did this?

TWIST 3

v Direction: Russell is ready to accept Aliens

v Twist: Spencer is not.

Mystery 2 – Why the mutilations?

Mystery 3 – The bodies are mutilated, but they show overt signs of weapons

TWIST 4

v Direction: Russell is promoting the idea of wild animals… or Aliens

v Twist: Spencer looks for wounds, like gun shots, but is unsuccessful… begins to consider Russel’s POV, even though not completely convinced.

Trusted relationship is wavering

Villain’s plan 1 — To try and influence everyone into believing it’s wild animals.

INCITING INCIDENT/DRIVER: (HERO MUST FIND AN ANSWER/SOLUTION)

Life threatening – Spencer is raising questions

TWIST 5

v Direction: Spencer is beginning to suspect the lodge owner

v Twist: She has an iron-clad proof she could not have done it

Hilda appears untrustworthy despite her claims

Life threatening – Spencer’s life may be on the line if he doesn’t quit.

TWIST 6

v Direction: Russell orders Spencer to cease and desist.

v Twist: Spencer can’t let the mystery alone. He covertly continues.

The relationship between Spencer and Russell is further weakened

Mystery 4 — Why is Russell being so adamant? Why did he go to all the trouble to get Spencer go with him if he now wants him to quit?

Mystery 5 – With the bodies turned over to the coroner, why is Spencer instructed to abandon the investigation.

TWIST 7

v Direction: The idea peddled to the corner is that wild animals attacked the hikers

v Twist: The corner says it looks like they were bombed.

Spencer no longer fully trusts Russell – begins to doubt

ACT 1 –STEP 2

Mysteries begin to evolve:

6 The coroner: The coroner’s assessment is dubious about the cause of death and Russel’s theory.

TWIST 8

v Direction: The coroner is thinking they were bombed, but

v Twist: He doesn’t see how that could be. Surely someone would have heard it.

Spencer no longer fully trusts Russell –doubts even further

7 The fenced off area: Spencer begins to think it’s odd.

TWIST 9

v Direction: Spencer is biologically savvy enough to question why that area is fenced.

v Twist: He discovers that Russell requestioned the wire

Spencer now fully distrusts Russell

8 The lodge owner: Spencer questions her mental state.

9 Hilda’s dogs: They are huge and definitely appear to be not people friendly.

TWIST 10

v Direction: The dogs are huge, growling and baring their teeth.

v Twist: Hilda, takes Spencer to the dogs, speaks to the dogs, they become as docile as kittens.

Spencer is changing his mind about Hilda – distrust to trust.

10 The earthquake: Its epicenter was approximately in the fenced-off area.

TWIST 11

v Direction: Everything seems random and disconnected, however —

v Twist: Spencer learns that the epicenter is in the same area as the fence and the dead bodies.

Spencer is beginning to reconsider – could Russell have had anything to do with it? — Distrust

11 The pack stations: The one closest to the possible crime scene is near the lodge.

TWIST 12

v Direction: The lodge owner states that her nearby pack station is the only on in the area near the mutilations.

v Twist: Spencer discovers another pack station, but on the other side of the mountain.

Spencer’s Distrust of Hilda returns

Villain’s plan 2 – To try and keep Spencer quiet – get Spencer to quit asking questions that might expose him

TWIST 13

v Direction: Russell discovers that Spencer is still asking questions.

v Twist: However, Spencer, without revealing all his evidence, tells Russell he suspects the loge owner’s huge dogs got on the loose.

The trust between Spencer and Russell is gone, despite Russell’s regained trust.

TURNING POINT 1 – Spencer begins suspects the lodge owner’s dogs and a coverup

Life threatening – Will she try to quiet Spencer if/when she suspects “he knows.”

Mystery –What is going on in Russel’s head? He seemed to champion the wild animals idea.

Villain’s plan – to milk Spencer’s belief that it was the lodge owner and her dogs.

TWIST 14

v Direction: Russell is pleased with Spencer’s viewpoint shift, but pays Hilda a visit, on the quiet.

v Twist: Hilda becomes angry and wary of Spencer.

ACT 2 – STEP 3

ETC

MIDPOINT TWIST: (THE EYE OPENER) – Spencer now begins to suspect Russell

ACT 3 – STEP 5

TURNING POINT 2: (THE BATTLE SEEMS LOST) – (THE ANTAGONIST/VILLAIN APPEARS TO HAVE VANQUISHED THE HERO)

Life threatening – literally takes on a new meaning as Spencer struggles to stay alive.

Mystery – Will Spencer make it?

Villain’s plan – to kill Spencer and default to putting the suspicion back on the lodge owner.

ACT 4 – STEP 7

CRISIS: PROTAGONIST (HERO) AND ANTAGONIST (VILLAIN) MEET FACE TO FACE)

Life threatening – This has literally become a life and death battle.

Mystery – Who will survive?

Villain’s plan – To stay alive by vanquishing Spencer.

ACT 4 – STEP 8

CLIMAX: (FINAL CONFLICT –ONE MUST EMERGE A WINNER)

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 9

Alfred’s Twists and Turns

What I learned doing this assignment is:

This is more valuable than I thought it would be. It pin-points places to plan twisting the script to keep the audience confused without “confusing them.”

1. Read through your Thriller Map and look for places to build in twists.

2. Use the 14 Types of Twists to brainstorm possible twists. Make sure they have the Current Direction / Twist pattern.

TYPES OF PLOT TWISTS

You want to use this list to brainstorm possible plot twists. Obviously, this isn’t about representing all the different kind of plot twists, but rather discovering the ones that work for you.

**1. Something planned for doesn’t happen.

2. Lost their resources.

**3. Someone changes sides.

**4. A new problem occurs.

**5. A lie is uncovered.

6. New consequences emerge.

**7. New options emerge.

8. A mistake returns to haunt them.

9. A trust is violated.

**10. We see an unexpected side of someone.

**11. It just got more dangerous.

12. Secret identity uncovered.

13. The worst thing possible happens.

14. The “solution” makes things worse.

**twist used

3. Tell us the places you added twists.

Include the new version of your Thriller Map.

THRILLER MAP

ACT 1 – STEP 1 — STATUS QUO.

OPENING/CALL TO ADVENTURE: (STATUS QUO/HERO RELUCTANT)

Life threatening 1 — Mutilated dead bodies in a mountainous wilderness

TWIST 1

v Direction: Spencer is going fishing.

v Twist: Russell has other plans, won’t reconsider or find someone else.

Life threatening 2 — Russell, despite Spencer’s objections, sets off to assess the rumors

TWIST 2

v Direction: Russell thinks he is more qualified than he is.

v Twist: Spencer immediately begins noticing more things that Russell

Intrigue – Because of Aliens, mystical creatures? The true believers are scared

Mystery 1 – who or what thing or things did this?

TWIST 3

v Direction: Russell is ready to accept Aliens

v Twist: Spencer

Mystery 2 – Why the mutilations?

Mystery 3 – The bodies are mutilated, but they show overt signs of weapons

TWIST 4

v Direction: Russell is promoting the idea of wild animals… or Aliens

v Twist: Spencer looks for wounds, like gun shots, but is unsuccessful… begins to consider Russel’s POV, even though not completely convinced.

Villain’s plan 1 — To try and influence everyone into believing it’s wild animals.

INCITING INCIDENT/DRIVER: (HERO MUST FIND AN ANSWER/SOLUTION)

Life threatening – Spencer is raising questions

TWIST 5

v Direction: Spencer is beginning to suspect the lodge owner

v Twist: She has an iron-clad proof she could not have done it

Life threatening – Spencer’s life may be on the line if he doesn’t quit.

TWIST 6

v Direction: Russell orders Spencer to cease and desist.

v Twist: Spencer can’t let the mystery alone. He covertly continues.

Mystery 4 — Why is Russell being so adamant? Why did he go to all the trouble to get Spencer go with him if he now wants him to quit?

Mystery 5 – With the bodies turned over to the coroner, why is Spencer instructed to abandon the investigation.

TWIST 7

v Direction: The idea peddled to the corner is that wild animals attacked the hikers

v Twist: The corner says it looks like they were bombed.

ACT 1 –STEP 2

Mysteries begin to evolve:

6 The coroner: The coroner’s assessment is dubious about the cause of death and Russel’s theory.

TWIST 8

v Direction: The coroner is thinking they were bombed, but

v Twist: He doesn’t see how that could be. Surely someone would have heard it.

7 The fenced off area: Spencer begins to think it’s odd.

TWIST 9

v Direction: Spencer is biologically savvy enough to question why that area is fenced.

v Twist: He discovers that Russell requestioned the wire

8 The lodge owner: Spencer begins to question her mental state.

9 The lodge owner’s dogs: They are huge and definitely not people friendly.

TWIST 10

v Direction:

v Twist:

10 The earthquake: Its epicenter was approximately in the fenced-off area.

TWIST 11

v Direction: The dogs are huge, growling and baring their teeth.

v Twist: The lodge oner, takes Spencer to the dogs, speaks to the dogs, they become as docile as kittens.

11 The pack stations: The one closest to the possible crime scene is near the lodge.

TWIST 12

v Direction: The lodge owner states that her nearby pack station is the only on in the area near the mutilations.

v Twist: Spencer discovers another pack station, but on the other side of the mountain.

Villain’s plan 2 – To try and keep Spencer quiet – get Spencer to quit asking questions that might expose him

TWIST 13

v Direction: Russell discovers that Spencer is still asking questions.

v Twist: However, Spencer, without revealing all his evidence, tells Russell he suspects the loge owner’s huge dogs on the loose.

TURNING POINT 1 – Spencer begins suspects the lodge owner’s dogs and a coverup

Life threatening – Will she try to quiet Spencer if/when she suspects “he knows.”

Mystery –What is going on in Russel’s head? He seemed to champion the wild animals idea.

Villain’s plan – to milk Spencer’s belief that it was the lodge owner and her dogs.

TWIST 14

v Direction: Russell is pleased with Spencer viewpoint shift, but pays the lodge woman a visit, on the quiet.

v Twist: The lodge owner becomes angry and wry of Spencer.

ACT 2 – STEP 3

ETC

MIDPOINT TWIST: (THE EYE OPENER) – Spencer now begins to suspect Russell

ACT 3 – STEP 5

TURNING POINT 2: (THE BATTLE SEEMS LOST) – (THE ANTAGONIST/VILLAIN APPEARS TO HAVE VANQUISHED THE HERO)

Life threatening – literally takes on a new meaning as Spencer struggles to stay alive.

Mystery – Will Spencer make it?

Villain’s plan – to kill Spencer and default to putting the suspicion back on the lodge owner.

ACT 4 – STEP 7

CRISIS: PROTAGONIST (HERO) AND ANTAGONIST (VILLAIN) MEET FACE TO FACE)

Life threatening – This has literally become a life and death battle.

Mystery – Who will survive?

Villain’s plan – To stay alive by vanquishing Spencer.

ACT 4 – STEP 8

CLIMAX: (FINAL CONFLICT –ONE MUST EMERGE A WINNER)

RESOLUTION-/-DENOUMENT: (NEW STATUS QUO)

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 8

Alfred’s Thriller Plot!

What I learned doing this assignment is:

1. Setting up the plot is very necessary. The crunch of raw data, even for just Act 1 was overpowering, and I had a hard time trying to unscramble it.

2. The only way to do that is to have a rock-solid outline. With this level of complexity, I found the Mini Movie Method (MMM), with its 8 Steps unusually appropriate.

3. This is amazingly fun! I think I could already write a competent Act 1. I look forward to what comes next. I think I have a structure I can continue to work on as I did for the Action Genera Class. I expanded my structure/outline and wrote a quarterfinalist first draft script: “Stones of Fire.” It needs a rewrite, but time will sharpen my focus.

4. These focused courses are dynamite. All I have to do is light the fuse. The course on Scenes is what put the Scriptapalooza Finalist script, “Why,” over the top.

List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.

Dramatica/MMM/modified 3-ACT: Four-acts = eight Steps (two Steps per Act – per the MMMethod). The 3-ACT, second ACTS IIa and IIb simply become similar to Dramatica Acts 2 and 3. Four Acts, to me, seem the most direct and useable and works with MMM and Dramatica. Each MMM Step, in a typical script, is between 13 and 14 pages (easy enough to wrap one’s mind around) and yields about 110 pages.

ACT 1 – STEP 1 — STATUS QUO.

OPENING/CALL TO ADVENTURE: (STATUS QUO/HERO RELUCTANT)

Life threatening 1 — Mutilated dead bodies in a mountainous wilderness

Life threatening 2 — Russell, despite Spencer’s objections, set off to assess the rumors

Intrigue – Because of Aliens, mystical creatures? The true believers are scared

Mystery 1 – who or what thing or things did this?

Mystery 2 – Why the mutilations?

Mystery 3 – The bodies are mutilated, but they show overt signs of weapons

Villain’s plan 1 — To try and influence everyone into believing it’s wild animals.

INCITING INCIDENT/DRIVER: (HERO MUST FIND AN ANSWER/SOLUTION)

Life threatening – Spencer is raising questions

Life threatening – Spencer’s life may be on the line if he doesn’t quit.

Mystery 4 — Why is Russell being so adamant? Why did he go to all the trouble to get Spencer go with him if he now wants him to quit?

Mystery 5 – With the bodies turned over to the coroner, why is Spencer instructed to abandon the investigation.

ACT 1 –STEP 2

Mysteries begin to evolve:

6 The coroner: The coroner’s assessment is dubious about the cause of death and Russel’s theory.

7 The fenced off area: Spencer begins to think it’s odd.

8 The lodge owner: Spencer begins to question her mental state.

9 The lodge owner’s dogs: They are huge and definitely not people friendly.

10 The earthquake: Its epicenter was approximately in the fenced-off area.

11 The pack stations: The one closest to the possible crime scene is near the lodge.

Villain’s plan 2 – To try and keep Spencer quiet – get Spencer to quit asking questions that might expose him

TURNING POINT 1 – Spencer begins suspects the lodge owner’s dogs and a coverup

Life threatening – Will she try to quiet Spencer if/when she suspects “he knows.”

Mystery –What is going on in Russel’s head? He seemed to champion the wild animals idea.

Villain’s plan – to milk Spencer’s belief that it was the lodge owner and her dogs.

ACT 2 – STEP 3

ETC

MIDPOINT TWIST: (THE EYE OPENER) – Spencer now begins to suspect Russell

ACT 3 – STEP 5

TURNING POINT 2: (THE BATTLE SEEMS LOST) – (THE ANTAGONIST/VILLAIN APPEARS TO HAVE VANQUISHED THE HERO)

Life threatening – literally takes on a new meaning as Spencer struggles to stay alive.

Mystery – Will Spencer make it?

Villain’s plan – to kill Spencer and default to putting the suspicion back on the lodge owner.

ACT4 – STEP 7

CRISIS: PROTAGONIST (HERO) AND ANTAGONIST (VILLAIN) MEET FACE TO FACE)

Life threatening – This has literally become a life and death battle.

Mystery – Who will survive?

Villain’s plan – To stay alive by vanquishing Spencer.

ACT4 – STEP 8

CLIMAX: (FINAL CONFLICT –ONE MUST EMERGE A WINNER)

RESOLUTION-/-DENOUMENT: (NEW STATUS QUO)

Inside your structure, fill in the gaps with the Life Threatening situations, Mysteries, and Villain’s plan. Do this one at a time. That will keep you from getting confused.

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 7

Alfred’s Life-Threatening Sequence

What I learned doing this assignment is:

It was quite an eye-opener to see how quickly thoughts can congeal into a workable sequence of events, based on good preparatory work.

What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?

a. His plan is to keep everyone in the dark.

1. The Hero is thereby exposed to unforeseen dangers

2. If the Hero stumbles onto any of the secretes he might get “bumped off.”

What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain?

a. As Spencer unravels the evidence, his boss trying to kill him, or —

b. Threat (of losing his job)

c. Physical danger – hazardous work

d. Lured into a dangerous situation

e. Closeness to the Villain

f. People around them die or are injured

g. Stalked

h. The unknown

i. Thugs or professionals hired to hurt him

j. He may be setting himself up to “take the fall”

k. Damaged reputation

l. Betrayal

m. A demand to stop pursuing the mystery

n.

From the list of potential dangers, choose the ones that work for this story.

a. Earthquake aftershocks.

b. Working with animals always carries. a certain caveat. Mules are big animals, and Spencer is not a mule skinner.

c. The Villain is just using the Hero to test the security of his plan

Sequence those dangers in order and make a list like the one I did for Basic Instinct above.

a. Reports of dead bodies in the mountains

b. The District Head of Land Management, Russell, conscripts his underling, Spencer, into searching out the rumors so they can put them to rest.

c. They stay at a lodge outside the wilderness and are outfitted.

d. The lodge owner regals them with stories of mythological creatures (she sounds a bit strange).

e. She reports there are four bodies. (How does she know this?)

f. Spencer and his boss, Russell, take four pack-mules into the mountains.

g. They find exactly four bodies, mutilated, and dehydrated, as predicted.

h. They haul them out on the mules (which is dangerous in itself – the mules seem to know and can become dangerous).

i. The lodge owner goes a bit crazy and doesn’t want them anywhere the lodge, as her dogs also become aggressive and need to be penned.

j. The bodies are taken to the morgue.

k. The bodies are identified, and their families are notified (Could they have been attacked by dogs? Perhaps. Mt. lions? Perhaps. Coyotes? Not likely, but maybe after they were already dead).

l. Spencer suspects the lodge owner and her aggressive dogs. But something still doesn’t add up.

m. Spencer begins investigating.

n. He is ordered to cease and desist.

o. That only makes his imagination run wild.

p. He begins with the morgue.

q. The wounds on the four bodies are compatible with animal mutilation.

r. Spencer wonders about the fenced off area. Who was behind that. As a biologist, it doesn’t make good sense to him.

Okay, at this point I haven’t worked out the rest of the story, so I can’t continue to sequence it.

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 6

Alfred’s Mystery Sequence

What I learned doing this assignment is:

1. I’m already seeing places where the story isn’t working because of thinking out of the sequence, so I’ve changed some things and more mysteries are showing up.

2. I’ve learned I can’t write the whole script in 30 days, so I need to ease off and just focus on the learning. I’ve been in hospital and now I’m having a hard time recovering.

MYSTERY SEQUENCE

What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?

a. He is guilty of government theft

b. He is guilty of misusing his government job

c. But most of all, he is also guilty of murder

How many ways can they cover that secret? Those become the mysteries.

a. Discourage people from getting too close to the secret.

b. Point them in other directions

c. Kill them if they figure it out.

The first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it.

A. Who are the dead men, how were they killed, and why were they killed?

a. A Bureau of Land Management, Spencer, reports there are dead bodies in the mountains there is fear of terrifying creatures in the mountains, maybe even Aliens, and the valley people are terrified.

b. They find the mutilated and dehydrated remains of four men, scattered.

c. The site is far off the traveled trails, but it is also the epicenter for a recent earthquake, which makes it even more terrifying.

d. Spencer is coerced by his boss into checking it out.

e. And the lodge owner is right. Four men are dead.

B. Who is the Lodge Owner who is so replete with such far-fetched tales

a. They are greeted by a wiry woman from Austria, full of tales of mythological creatures she claims she saw in Europe—high mountain creatures.

b. How did she know there were exactly four bodies?

C. Why is the area around the mutilations fenced off?

a. Nobody seems to know why. There is no protected habitat.

b. But there was an earthquake, and this was its epicenter.

D. Why was a three-mule, mule team led into a trailhead, unloaded into a truck, led back into the mountains, empty, never to return – but the truck disappears during the night?

a. Who was the mule team leader, and who drove the truck away, and where did the mules come from… and end up?

Sequence the mysteries so that each one leads us to the next one. Include one Red Herring mystery if you can.

a. Rumors of Mythological Creatures and Aliens abound in the mountains.

b. Two officials from land management stay in a lodge just outside a wilderness area.

c. They outfit themselves with a couple of mules and enter a wilderness area.

Create a Mystery Chain for each main mystery.

a. Rumors of Mythological Creatures and Aliens abound in the valley. A man by the name of Spencer stops at tackle shop and is warned.

b. Spencer (the Hero) – who is he and how does he become involved?

c. The Lodge Owner (the Red Herring) – Who is she and why is she spreading such crazy unreasonable rumors?

d. ETC.

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 5

Alfred’s Villain Has a Great Plan

What I learned doing this assignment is:

1. Each phase of this pre story stumped me and I had to really dig deep to come up with something that would work. I tried uranium, thorium, titanium, but the only thing that seemed plausible was gold. The Sierra Nevada foothills, after all, was the source of the gold that fed the California Gold Rush. And the high price of gold, today, makes the plan feasible, but I still had to do some research and run some calculations. I grew up, partly, in the Yosemite National Park/the Mother Lode, so I know the area and have a certain understanding of how to move heavy loads with pack animals. Just persist and something will become apparent.

2. The Villain’s Plan is a virtual roadmap on how to set it up, once one has an idea. It turns a confusing puzzle into a no-brainer.

THE VILLAIN’S PLAN

1. What is the end goal?

The Villain, following an earthquake in a wilderness area, discovers near-pure gold exposed in the fault fissure. His plan is to make three trips in, with three mules, each trip, and pack out about $30 million in ore. He is not really a Villain, at first, but greed turns him into one.

2. How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?

The site is on public land, so he has to secure the area. First, he fences off a large area as an endangered species habitat. Second, he fences off a smaller area, inside, as a geologically dangerous site.

3. How can they cover it up?

1. By making trespass a crime.

2. By eliminating anyone who still persists on entering the secured area. It’s wilderness. There is any number of things to blame if someone comes up missing.

3. Encourage the lodge owner’s (outside the wilderness area) penchant for spreading fantastic mythology stories. Most will not believe that anyone actually came up missing, and families of the missing will not be eager to admit to anyone entering a restricted, regulated area.

4. Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.

PRE-STORY

1. End Goal of the Villain: To gain possession of the gold he has discovered and become filthy rich – at government expense.

2. Intrigue: The secret must be maintained at all cost!

a. The area must be secured

b. Anyone entering that area must be dealt with

c. Automation

d. Four hikers disappear

d. Rumors fly

e. The lodge owner milks’ the rumors with tales of mythology.

3. Covers Secrets: Isolates the gold vein discovery:

a. There is an earthquake in the Sierra Nevada. No big surprise, but…

b. Acting District Head of Land Management flies in to examine the area.

c. He discovers suspected gold in a small fault fissure.

d. He orders the area closed – fences it off – Two barbed wire fences: 1 large Habitat-labeled fence, 1 smaller Danger-labeled fence inside

e. The gold sample proves to be the real deal – high grade.

Gold is between $1800 and $2000/oz. 3 pack mules, lightly packed at 60 lb. per mule (30 lb per hitch side – to not over-tax the mules at high altitude X distance) [mules can carry up to 150 lb] can move 900 lbs per trip. 900 lbs of gold would yield 2,700 lbs on 3 trips. Pure gold of that weight would yield $59, 400, 000.00. Assuming 50% pure, 3 trips would net somewhere around $30 million.

f. But, fences don’t stop curious mountaineers, and the Villain will stop at nothing to keep this fissure secure. So he plants explosive devices around the fissure, too – electronic, motion sensors – with telemetry.

g. The fissure is obscured to make it unnoticeable.

h. Now, how do you get the gold out without arousing notice or suspicion.

i. Intrigue – the mountain has two sides. Pack in with dummy packs, pack out with real packs in the opposite direction, return and pack out again with the dummy packs.

j. The Villain almost completes his plan, but… enter the Hero.

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 4:2

Alfred’s SOTL Stacking Suspense

What I learned doing this assignment is:

I. This film is harder to get at, as the actions are more psychiatric than physical, even though the physical component is vented in some of the grossest of ways. They (the actions) stem more from a disturbed mental state than from the easier to see things like greed or fear or anger or even disgust. However, these also stem from altered mental states distinctly related to the grosser forms found in this story. Bill’s hatred becomes internalized and Hannibal nails it – it’s often coveting what is not “yours” or what one cannot do. The writer can easily play-up almost anything to create M.I.S. And a little fantasy doesn’t hurt the story. If you have tomatoes in your backyard is probably full of horn worms! The moths in the movie wore tiny jackets with skulls painted on them.

II. Stacking Suspense Chart

SCENE 1: Logon, Main Title/Intro

ACTION: Clarice is seen jogging through a wooded area with military-type obstacles. The logon reads Quantico, VA – that’s FBI – music is somewhat ominous… suggestive

MYSTERY: Where is she, exactly? Why is she jogging alone? Going up and over hurdles… FBI training?

INTREGUE: Does Clarice have the “right stuff?” – Her qualifications are outlined.

SUSPENSE: Lone joggers can be in grave danger

CHARATER: Clarice: Who is she, what is she up to, is something bad about to happen. She appears smart and well-liked

STAKES: her career

SCENE 2: An Interesting Errand

ACTION: Clarice is called into Jack Crawford’s office

MYSTERY: What’s up?

INTREGUE: She has been picked to get information out of Hannibal the Cannibal. The rules….

SUSPENSE: Posted pictures of “Buffalo Bill’s” handiwork on the bulletin board.

CHARATER: Clarice: Who is she, what is she up to, is something bad about to happen

STAKES: Her career, her life

SCENE 3: Don’t Touch the Glass

ACTION: Clarice is led into a prison dungeon, underground

Dr. Chilton brags, half-hits on Clarice

MYSTERY: Hannibal is psychopathic cannibalistic killer, yes, but what else? He sniffs the air, tells Clarice what sort of body lotion she uses, is angry with

Dr. Chilton seems self- absorbed. Refers to Hannibal as his prized asset.

INTREGUE: He’s housed in a dungeon with other similar men. He asks personal questions

SUSPENSE: He yells at her for only being a trainee… then relents

CHARATER: Clarice – shows fear and uncertainty but does not fold… stands up to Hannibal

Hannibal – seems downright cool and civil… until the questions… loses his temper

STAKES: Clarice –Her life, her psyche

Dr. Chilton – his career

Hannibal – his reputation – he has quite an ego

SCENE 4: “Closer”

ACTION: Clarice moves closer to the glass, but does not touch, as instructed, Flashback as a child with her police father, his later told that Miggs is dead (apparently by Hannibal for insulting Clarice.

MYSTERY: What is Hannibal up to? Nothing gets past him. Figures Clarice is a student from her badge

INTREGUE: Hannibal is toying with Clarice, seeing how far he can push her. She suggests maybe he’s afraid, and he comes back with his tale of “eating his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti”

SUSPENSE: Will Clarice “stumble” on some technicality? She’s intelligent, open, business-like. He sends her back to school, but calls her back to suggest (shouting) she look up Mr. Mofet

CHARATER: She does shows fear but also caution, discipline. Outside the facility, she cries.

STAKES: being taken in – career, her life is in danger… like Miggs?

SCENE 5: Your Self Storage

ACTION: Breaks into the old storage with a car jack, gives Mr. Hester Mofet a card with a number to call if she gets trapped. She researches Hannibal on microfilm. Returns to Hannibal with more questions.

MYSTERY: All sorts of odd junk, but especially an old limousine, covered with an American flag, with a headless mannequin inside. Also a head in a jar is found.

INTREGUE: .

SUSPENSE: What’s this got to do with Buffalo Bill?

CHARATER: Buffalo Bill is neither gay nor a transvestite. He simply hates himself. He is trying to transform

STAKES: Absolutely nothing gets past Hannibal, and he seems attracted to Clarice. Not good.

SCENE 6: Hannibal’s Helping Head

ACTION: He gives her a towel for her wet hair, asks about her bleeding finger, scratched on the Storage door.

MYSTERY: How does he know about so much? Clarice’s cut finger.

INTREGUE: A head in a jar. Why? Hannibal confronts Clarice with Jack Crawford’s motives, and she rejects it, suggests that Hannibal sounds more like Miggs

SUSPENSE: “I’ll help you find Buffalo Bill if… “ + conditions

CHARATER: Hannibal seems jealous of Crawford, hates Dr. Chilton

STAKES: She gets Hannibal to backoff and help. The discovery of who Bill is.

SCENE 7: Help from a Size 14

ACTION: A young woman drives down a road at night singing. Happy

MYSTERY: She is watched through night vision goggles, and we don’t know who.

INTREGUE: A man is trying to load a big chair into a van. The young woman offers to help.

SUSPENSE: he coaxes her inside the van to pull the chair in, jumps in, kills her. A young woman shows up in the river 3 days later.

CHARATER: The girl is Frederica Brimwell. We find his out, later

STAKES: Death

SCENE 8: Girl from the River

ACTION: Clarice is in the morgue in a tiny town

MYSTERY: Clarice lists her findings, discovers a moth cocoon down her throat.

INTREGUE: What is it? Where did it come from? Why is it there?

SUSPENSE: Clarice goes through her examination of the corpse

CHARATER:

STAKES:

SCENE 9: A Little Privacy

ACTION: Jack leads the sheriff into a side room to discuss the sexual part of the crime

MYSTERY: Clarice gets side-tracked by a funeral going on

INTREGUE: The young police guys can’t take their eyes off Clarice – the chrysalis in her throat

SUSPENSE: Examination of the body of the dead girl

CHARATER: Bill: Clarice is beginning to understand what Hannibal has told her about Bill

STAKES:

SCENE 10: Signs of Bill

ACTION: The M.O. is Bill’s. Clarice returns to talk to Hannibal, Dr. Chilton gets furious

MYSTERY: The “star-shaped cuts,” bound hands but not feet, etc.

INTREGUE: What is he doing with the skin?

SUSPENSE: Dr. Chilton listens in on the conversation, records it

CHARATER:

STAKES: Chilton is covetous of Hannibal’s insights, fears for his career

SCENE 11: Moth Men

ACTION: Clarice goes to a museum. For an ID. of the cocoon/chrysalis

MYSTERY: Why down the girl’s throat? Bill loves the moths. It’s symbolic

INTREGUE: Museum – the cocoon is identified as an Asian horn worm moth

SUSPENSE: The mythology associated with this moth species

CHARATER:

STAKES:

SCENE 12: A Senator’s Plea

ACTION: T.V. – Senator Ruth Martin pleads for her daughter’s life, but she is very smart about it.

MYSTERY:

INTREGUE: Ruth presents he daughter as a person, not a thing.

SUSPENSE: Will Bill listen?

CHARATER:

STAKES: Catherine’s life

SCENE 13: Quid Pro Quo

ACTION: The back-and-forth reveals are dangerous – Hannibal is attempting to get into Clarices head, but settles for Quid Pro Quo.

MYSTERY: Hannibal gets Clarice to reveal her worst memory

INTREGUE: Hannibal explains the meaning of the moth, to Bill – metamorphosis – change

SUSPENSE: Each round of reveals is met with a “will it continue? Quid Pro Quo!

CHARATER: Catherine has faults, but she is NOT an object.

STAKES: Catherine’s life is on the line, now. Will she be the lamb that is saved?

SCENE 14: Lotion in the Basket

ACTION: Bill demands Catherine put her lotion in the bucket, threatens her dog

MYSTERY: Why is he so intent on getting the lotion?

INTREGUE: What’s he going to do with it?

SUSPENSE: She’s about to fall apart

CHARATER: Bill tries to be female-like in his mimicked caterwauling

STAKES: Catherine goes to pieces… wants her mommy

SCENE 15: A Deal for Dr. Chilton

ACTION: Clarice presents Hannibal with a deal. He wants more.

MYSTERY:

INTREGUE: Dr. Chilton listens-in on the conversation, is angry some senator is offering him a deal –

SUSPENSE:

CHARATER:

STAKES: Dr. Chilton is about to lose his only claim to fame.

SCENE 16: Muzzled for the Senator

ACTION: Dr. Chilton has Hannibal in a wire mask that is crushing his nose. He then threatens that there will be no Island deal.

MYSTERY: Dr. Chilton transfers Hannibal out of state, bound and masked.

INTREGUE: Hannibal and Ruth sign a deal.

SUSPENSE: A pen gets passed around, Hannibal make sexual remarks to Ruth, there is a bit of a scuffle

CHARATER:

STAKES: Hannibal’s freedom, Catherine’s freedom, Clarice’s career

SCENE 17: The Screaming Lambs

ACTION: Boyle allows Clarice’s visit, Clarice takes us down a personal memory lane – her attempt to save the innocent lamb/Catherine, Dr. Chilton hauls of Clarice off, then offers her information to the press as his.

MYSTERY: Her inner strength is being revealed… but what is it? Where is it?

INTREGUE: She failed to save the one lamb – in what way is this driving her to save Catherine? We see a drawing of Clarice holding a lamb

SUSPENSE: Is Hannibal now in her head, or will she deal with it… and him?

CHARATER: Clarice – her reveal is unsettling, how will this interfere with her investigation

Hannibal – his skill of manipulation, what is he planning? – will he be able to own her?

STAKES: Information that can lead to Catherine’s release, the riddance of screaming lambs in Clarice’s head – Hannibal seems to be on Clarice’s side (hopeful???)

SCENE 18: His Second Meal

ACTION: Hannibal palms a small piece of metal (from the pen?)

MYSTERY: cuffing Hannibal to the bars of his cage

INTREGUE: Is the piece of metal in his mouth part of the pen he sees Dr. Chilton pocket?

SUSPENSE: The police get careless. Will he get loose? Tiny slip-ups

CHARATER: Hannibal’s intelligence and resourcefulness underscored.

STAKES: Hannibal’ freedom, death of the officers

SCENE 19: “Lecter’s Missing”

ACTION: Hannibal frees his hands from the cuffs with the piece of metal, he cuffs one officer to the bars, incapacitates the second officer. From the lobby, the elevator goes up and down

MYSTERY: Who is using the elevator?

INTREGUE: Is it Hannibal?

SUSPENSE: They search the third floor, discover the officers… one is hoisted spread eagle, sliced open, the other is beaten to a pulp.

CHARATER:

STAKES: Hannibal’s freedom

SCENE 20: Pembry’s Ambulance

ACTION: The beaten officer, still alive, is placed in an ambulance – drives off – but it isn’t him, it’s Hannibal

MYSTERY: How did he do this?

INTREGUE: Hannibal thinks on multiple levels, never gets upset (except for effect), never misses anything, and now he makes his move to escape.

SUSPENSE: So who’s blood is dripping from the roof of the elevator? Hannibal has switched clothes with one officer, strung up the other officer, put the one in his clothes on the roof of the elevator, disfigured himself enough so he is not recognized, and is carried out on the ambulance gurney.

CHARATER:

STAKES: Hannibal’s escape

SCENE 21: What Do We Covet?

ACTION: Clarice gets the name of the murdered girl, Frederica Brimwell, races to her home, meets the father who lets her examine the girls room.

MYSTERY: “We covet what we see.” Clarice figures it out.

INTREGUE: Clues in the girl’s room. Sewing equipment, a dress with tailoring marks on it, a window view. He knew his victim.

SUSPENSE: She knows where Bill is.

CHARATER:

STAKES:

SCENE 22: The Tailor You Know

ACTION: Clarice goes through things,

MYSTERY: What was she like?

INTREGUE: Books, clothes, butterfly wallpaper, sewing/tailoring, a music box with hidden pictures

SUSPENSE: The pictures are of the girl in her underwear, there is a window nearby, Bill could see her, coveted her skin, will Catherine be next?

CHARATER:

STAKES: Catherine’s safety.

SCENE 23: A Treat for Precious

ACTION: Bill sews, struts his “stuff”

MYSTERY: He promises a treat for the dog.

INTREGUE: Will the treat be a piece of Caherine?

SUSPENSE: Catherine pleads to get out of the well

CHARATER: Catherine goes from cowering infant to sassy, vulgar, and combative.

STAKES: Catherine’s life.

SCENE 24: “Sewing Was Her Life”

ACTION: Clarice knocks on the door and is let in.

MYSTERY: Who was Mrs. Lippman.

INTREGUE: The man (Bill), asked id he took the house over after she died?

SUSPENSE: Clarice is stalling for time, waiting for the FBI. Scenes get rapid

CHARATER:

STAKES:

SCENE 25: A Raid in Illinois

ACTION: Planes fly into Illinois, land. They are in communication with Clarice. The Lippman house is surrounded.

MYSTERY: Did they get there in time?

INTREGUE: Where is Clarice – what do they do?

SUSPENSE: Each step is dangerous. Scenes are intercut to add suspense and action

CHARATER:

STAKES: Will Catherine get rescued?

SCENE 26: Mrs. Lippman’s House

ACTION: Clarice is let into the Lippman house by Bill. She lived to sew. Bill gets suspicious.

MYSTERY: Where is Catherine?

INTREGUE: The house is a maze of rooms, doors, passages

SUSPENSE: Awkward conversation. Clarice gets the drop on Bill, but he escapes.

CHARATER:

STAKES: The lives of both Clarice and Catherine. Also Bill’s, now.

SCENE 27: Sniper in the Dark

ACTION: Bill stalks Clarice in the dark using night vision equipment, she hears the gun click, she shoots at the sound, Bill is killed.

MYSTERY: The house is a filthy maze of doors and passageways – she seems lost

INTREGUE: Why is he doing this? We hear the gun cock

SUSPENSE: Will this be the end of Clarice?

CHARATER: Bill is a voyeur, so he must be getting a thrill out of the stalking

STAKES: Death or worse for Catherine – she’s saved

The screaming lambs will still be in Clarice’s head—they are apparently gone.

SCENE 28: Dinner Date/Credits

ACTION: Clarice graduates, gets a call from Hannibal – short – congratulates her

MYSTERY: He seems to be on some Caribbean Island.

INTREGUE: “I’m having an old friend over for dinner.”

SUSPENSE: We see Dr. Chilton getting off a plane. We see a disguised Hannibal walking away, down a street.

CHARATER:

STAKES: The end of Dr. Chilton?

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 4:1

Alfred’s BI Stacking Suspense

What I learned doing this assignment is:

I. Definitions for the categories for the Stacking Suspense Chart of scenes:

1. Action: essence of what happens that may need a solution

2. Mystery: obscure, ambiguity, cryptic, undefined

3. Intrigue: something devious, covert, concealed, etc.

4. Suspense: danger, worry that something bad will happen

5. Character: with the MIS of that character

6. Stakes: what is at stake, risk, dangerous?

II. I noticed a progression of devices used, so I made-up my own more generalized list of devices:

1. Actions where the character(s) are not reveled (Mystery)

2. Actions that point to a possible bad (or perhaps good) outcome (Intrigue)

3. Actions that suggest something is about to happen (Suspense)

4. MIS Character traits (MIS), like lying, generalizing, avoidance, tics, etc.

5. Objects or actions to suggest high levels of meanness or brutality, etc.

6. Discussions, especially in whispered tones.

7. Personal problems of a Character, like addictions, unusual behavior, etc.

8. Manipulative behaviors (especially)

9. Discovery, by many different methods, of evidence that may be relevant

10. Objects of suggestive value, ice picks, scarves, ropes, wire, guns, knives, etc.

11. Blame suggests the Character has something to hide

12. Test results – medical, forensic, psychological, etc.

13. Unusual levels of visible violence or violent ideology

14. Hidden relationships that become revealed, including hidden identity.

15. Clustered opinions, i.e. all the neighbors note certain questionable behaviors

16. Threats that raise the stakes, such as prison, career, being murdered, loss

17. Warnings – same as threats

18. Money received or lost, especially in large amounts

19. Jealousy displayed (especially when it is trying to be kept secret)

20. Pictures from hidden cameras or from security cameras

And for other movies, there are probably even more devices to add to the list.

These are the repeated devices used throughout this movie. Presented in slightly different ways, the possibilities become exponential, so there is little likelihood or necessity for any Scene to be quite like any other scene, if done right.

Cliches one should be wary of — Chases (especially car), smoking, drinking, drugs, sex – these can be boring and a waste of good film footage. I’ve been watching some old B&W films that are half use up with lighting up, blowing smoke, and gulping booze. That is off-putting after a while.

III. Stacking Suspense Chart

Scene 1:

1. Mystery — We don’t see the face of the killer

2. Intrigue — Killer hides the murder weapon —

3. Suspense — The hand reaching for the hidden weapon

4. Character – The killer is manipulative and without a conscience

5. Stakes — Brutality

Scene 2:

1. Mystery — We don’t know who the murdered guy is, or who did it

2. Mystery — The guy’s girlfriend becomes a suspect – is she?

3. Suspense – Mayo’s office wants no mistakes – why?

4. Character –Nick is a problem

Scene 3:

1. Mystery – What is the Roxy/Catherine relationship?

2. Intrigue – Gus and Nick mistake Roxy for Catherine and she allows it and claims Catherine’s innocence – why?

3. Character: — Roxy is mysterious, sexy, intriguing

Scene 4:

1. Character MIS – Roxy’s behavior patterns – sexy, mysterious, intriguing

Scene 5:

1. Mystery: — What is Nicks medical problem

Scene 6:

1. Mystery: — We’re still wondering if Catherin did it.

2. Intrigue: — Catherine published a Thriller about a rock star who got murdered by his girlfriend – is this just coincidence, or not?

3. Catherine’s profile – Psych. Major, inherited 1 Million $$$ when parents killed, she was engaged to a boxer who died – what does this all mean?

Scene 7:

1. Action: — Nick reads Catherine’s book… calls Gus – Why?

ETC.

[Alfred Dunham]

THRILLER ASSIGNMENT DAY 3

Alfred’s World and Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is:

I had more time to think about the various roles and decided that the Lodge Owner, Gloria should be the Red Herring, not the Villain. So, I would have to say, I got a much better understanding of the various roles of the important three characters – very different from seeing a complete drama as eight characters – four opposing pairs: Protagonist vs. Antagonist, for instance. In Greek plays, the Chorus played the part of Muse… a kind of conscience to the Main Character. In Star Wars, Obi wan Kenobi was the “muse” or “guardian” to Luke Skywalker. I see Gloria in that sort of role, somewhat. She poses the questions that force Spencer to reevaluate his own thoughts. “Trust the Force Luke.”

Logline (first draft):

An undercover operative is sent to a mountainous wilderness area to ascertain what is happening to those who enter the area and disappear into thin air. Will he discover an answer to the riddle, or will he simply become the next victim?

The Big M.I.S.: (from Assignment 2)

a. Big Mystery: What is happening to all those disappearing people? And why is it happening?

b. Big Intrigue: The least suspected person, the operative’s boss, is the culprit. he is trying to eliminate the rumors about the wilderness area rather than solving the problem.

c. Big Suspense: The Lodge Owner is on Spencer’s side. She sees right through him, even as she plays a rather ditzy role of spreading local mythology..

The Intriguing World:

The Story’s World is an alpine-like, high elevation valley, long (6-7 miles) but only a mile or two wide – narrower at the upper end, broader at the lower end. A river runs through the valley. It is surrounded by precipitous, high cliffs, with waterfalls, and it is a designated wilderness area. Just outside the wilderness area, in a wooded area, on private land, there is a lodge. The Lodge is 20 miles from the nearest roadhead, over a near-impassable sandy-dirt road. There is no other way into the valley other than by way of advanced climbing routes, over the mountains or the dangerous road. It is a very isolated and dangerous and mysterious place (with local legends that abound).

Top 2 or 3 Characters:

a. Spencer – The Protagonist/Main Character – the unwitting Hero with everything to lose and little to gain in this dangerous assignment. He’s young, the new guy, low on the pecking order, and (to his boss) expendable. Spencer only appears to be (to the audience) alone and on his own, in the beginning, but he is an undercover agent for the government, sent to try and discover what is happening to people who enter a designated, mountainous wilderness area, and just disappear. His resources, largely unknown to his boss, is that he grew up, ostensibly, in a mountainous, wilderness area – I mean really imbedded himself in it – the undiscoverable part of his mind-set.

b. Spencer’s “boss,” Russell is the covert “bad guy” who will double-cross Spencer. Russell is the Antagonist, Villain, with everything to lose if Spencer is successful. Russell is the “older guy,” more experienced, with many contacts and favors given and received. He knows “people,” and he knows his way around (including the rules).

c. The Lodge Owner, Gloria – Is being made to look like the suspicious “Red Herring” person. In many ways, she seems odd, full of mythology and stories of a former time when the valley was ruled by mythological creatures: Bahamut, Owl-bears, Ferries, and the likes… shape shifters who can look like anything but what the really are. But she is, in fact, very savvy and able to link Bahamut to the bemouth found in the Bible, for instance. In short, Gloria has surprises of her own.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred’s Big. M.I.S.

What I learned doing this assignment is:

Mostly I was able to refine the definitions into a better, more workable knowledge of what I’m supposed to be doing.

I also learned how to set up the Big M.I.S.

Logline (first draft):

An undercover operative is sent to a mountainous wilderness area to ascertain what is happening to those who enter the area and disappear into thin air. Will he discover an answer to the riddle, or will he simply become the next victim?

Conventions:

a. Unwitting but resourceful Hero: Spencer is a competent mountaineer posing as an inexperienced hiker.

b. Dangerous Villain: The Lodge Owner appears to be interested in finding an answer to what is happening to her guests, but she is actually trying to discourage them from coming. This makes her extremely dangerous.

c. High Stakes: For both Spencer and the Lodge Owner, it is all or nothing – life or death.

d. Life and death situations: Spencer is forced to deal with a veritable gauntlet of near-death experiences that the mountains seem determined to throw at him.

e. The story is thrilling because: Spencer is facing danger at every turn but does not realize that the least suspected individual in the story is behind the riddle. Thus he is in mortal danger to the very end of the story.

The Big M.I.S.:

a. Big Mystery: What is happening to all those disappearing people? And why is it happening?

b. Big Intrigue: The least suspected person, the Lodge Owner, is the culprit. She is trying to spook people into NOT coming to the mountains.

c. Big Suspense: The Lodge Owner is trying to kill Spencer and make it look like an accident.

[Alfred Dunham]

Also, as a member of the group:

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

Alfred Dunham 9-25-22

[Alfred Dunham]

I am Alfred Dunham, and I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Alfred Dunham]

I am Alfred Eugene Dunham, Jr. For most of my life I’ve been Gene, but my second wife, Coy, thinks I’m Alfred, so that’s what I go by, now. Incidentally, I met Coy in 1955, in high school, but then I ended up with systemic lupus… long story. I had a stroke in April of 2021 [complete left side, gone], but I decided that I WOULD write again in rehab. I would wake up at night and practice moving my left fingers for hours. By summer’s end, partly to try out my new skills in writing an Action piece [I took the Action class just before the stroke] and partly to re-teach myself to type, I wrote, STONES OF FIRE. I’ve written 5 scripts [WHY was a SCRIPTAPALOOZA finalist, STONES was a SCRIPTAPALOOZA quarterfinalist, and THE MEMORY CODE was a SCREENCRAFT quarterfinalist], I’ve also written a novel: A CUP OF COFFEE: A NOVEL.

My goal is to get a script produced. I still have trouble with walking and balance but I still race RC Model Yachts. I have to have help with launching my boat, but once in the water… watch out

[Alfred Dunham]

ASSIGNMENT 1: ACTION CLASS

Subject line: Alfred Dunham’s Conventions!

What I learned from this assignment is:

1. Every Genre has its conventions, but I didn’t know what they were for the Action Genre. Now I do.

2. I learned how to create a concept in an Action script by working from the conventions.

3. I learned the principle of starting simple and building by elevation via skill sets

4. I learned to think of Hero vs. Villain character and characteristics

Concept:

Having grown up virtually invisible to the world around him, the Hero goes to university and proves himself to be a remarkable student, especially in the sciences of biology, chemistry, and physics. But when his discoveries prove problematical to the goals of the academic community, his future is systematically destroyed.

Years later, and still a threat, he is given orders to “conform or die.” And when that doesn’t work, his family become included in the orders, so he must use every skill he has ever learned to discredit the growing fascist leader by his own words and beliefs – while running for his life.

Conventions:

Hero

Highly capable high school science teacher, who is skilled at thinking outside the box in both the science lab and in the wilderness, he grew up in. He is also highly disciplined and moral in both thoughts and actions, but pushed too far, he knows how to push back in unexpected ways. And he has a volatile background that he is not generally know or appreciated.

Demand for Action

The Hero is resistant to personal demands and threats, but when those threats are extended to his family, he is ready and loaded for bear. And he has more than just a reason to get even.

Mission

The Villain has turned suggestion (with threat) to demand, and his demands are frightening. If he is allowed to win, there will be a complete breakdown of society and freedoms, something the Hero cannot allow. However, if the Hero loses, the Villain will have nothing left to restrain him; if the Hero kills the Villain, the Villain will become a martyr to the “cause” and nothing will be gained. The Mission of the Hero, therefore, is to completely discredit the Villain in the eyes of his own followers.

Antagonist

The Villain has no scruples, having climbed the ladder of infamy within a quasi-religious community that has gone from corrupt to clearly malicious and evil, except in the eyes of a well-manipulated following that is growing rapidly in strength and numbers.

Escalating Action

The Antagonist offers peace, with a price, but the Hero’s morality and ethics will not permit him to stoop to such dishonesty and lies. The Villain turns ugly as smooth talk turns to threats, and threats, to physical harm. The Hero understands “touching coup” and has a plan, but it is virtually doomed from the beginning. Once entrenched, there will be no way to get that close to the Villain, now surrounded by True Believers who revere him as a god.

BRAINSTORMING:

I’ve already changed directions as I’ve thought of them. I still, however, still have no idea of how this is actually going to play out.

[Alfred Dunham]

ASSIGNMENT 6: ACTION CLASS

Subject line: Alfred Dunham’s Action Structure!

What I learned from this assignment is:

I went back over what I’ve learned about Genre, Plot, Theme, and Character, over time, and to be specific, I learned what the expected Action Story form should be:

1. The Main Character should reflect a steadfast, as opposed to a change, character. His/her growth should be understood more in terms of understanding than actual change. If he/she retains his/her essential nature, he/she is said to be steadfast.

2. He/She should stop doing something that has been injurious to him/her. [I watched the Bourne Ultimatum and in that film, he “stopped” running. I see Ira, in this script, doing much the same.

3. His/Her approach to life should be as a Do-er, as opposed to being a Be-er

4. He/She should have a Linear approach to problem solving, though clearly, the Matrix is Holistic, which would appear to be saying, rules are made to be broken.

5. Etc.

1. Create the 3-ACT Structure for your story.

*****

TITLE: (Ira vs Nathan) NONE, YET

ACT I

OPENING (STATUS QUO)

· A lead character in an action scene.

· A challenging situation that creates conflict.

· Gives us an insight into the character.

· Opens a question that is key to the story.

· Question: What is the Matrix? What is reality?

· Question: Who am I?

HANGING TEN

The story opens with Main Character, Ira Johnson, doing some risky but skillfully executed moves at the end of a rope, over the face of a 3,000-feet granite rock in the Sierra Nevada.

ü Demonstrates part of his skill set in an action scene as a mountain climber.

ü Answers a part of the question of Who Am I?

TEACHING

The story continues in his classroom, teaching high school Biology. Students bombard him with questions as he deftly answers them with demonstrate

ü Continues to demonstrate another part of his skill set as a science teacher.

ü Answers a second part of the question of Who Am I?

IN THE LAB

Ira extracts DNA as he works on a project and discusses it with his wife, Nyla.

ü Adds yet another dimension to his skill set as a researcher.

ü He and his wife discuss old wounds and the man who cost him his doctoral degree,

ü Dr. Nathan Trammel

THE VISITATION; THE INVITATION; COERSION; AND THE BIG THREAT

University President-become-cult leader, Dr. Nathan Trammel, hears about Ira undermining his pronouncements science and race, so he visits Ira and seeks to silence him with “gifts.”

Ira refuses on the grounds that it is both immoral and unethical, as well as unscientific.

Nathan threatens, but Ira remains firm with a counter threat.

Nathan flips out and promises bodily harm to Ira AND Nyla if Ira doesn’t accept his conditions.

ü Nathan is lying about science in order to drive a pseudo-religious cult with delusions of world domination, but

ü He has a history that once involved Ira, and he knows that Ira can hurt him big time and must be stopped at all costs.

ü Ira openly confronts Nathan, reminds him of how he was cheated out of his doctorate.

ü Nathan, in a rage, lunges for Ira, but his Security Chief, Brad

ü And Ira believes he would not hesitate to kill him and his wife, if necessary

INCITING INCIDENT (STORY DRIVER)

“What incident is strong enough to send the Hero on the journey?”

PREPARING FOR THE COMING STORM

Ira and Nyla begin a mad race to move sensitive materials and items into safe places

ü We are led to understand just how seriously the Johnson’s understand Nathan’s threats to be.

FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT I (ACT I MAJOR TWIST) POINT OF NO RETURN

Nathan sends his goon-squad kidnap Ira and Nyla

ü Ira and Nyla escape through a back room, via a tunnel, to a shed behind the house.

ü Nathan’s goon-squad hear a motorcycle leaving, into the hills, and the chase is on.

ACT I set up of first adrenaline rush, threats and actions demanding return actions, Ira’s mission to take down Nathan with every justification to do so, and mere threats have already escalated into a high-stakes, high-speed, chase into the mountains.

ACT IIA

The Hero must confront the main conflict of this story.

ESCAPE INTO HIDING

HIDING OUT/SEARCHING OUT A PLAN

TOUCHING COUP

Ira makes a breathtaking — and dangerous – visit to Nathan on his own ground.

Nathan is both angered and terrified.

Nathan orders his hit men to follow Ira and stop him once and for all.

ESCAPING BACK INTO HIDING

Ira leads them on a merry chase, thoroughly confusing them before vanishing.

MIDPOINT (MIDPOINT TWIST)

Outside Nathan’s office, Ira pops in out of nowhere and pipe-darts is security team, one-by-one with a fast-acting tranquilizer.

Ira leaves a note on Nathan’s door, demanding he call of his “dogs” before someone get hurt.

ACT IIB

· Journey the same: Neo is still working with the team, fighting the Matrix.

· Meaning has changed: He no longer believes he is The One.

· Journey the same: Jason is still on the run.

· Meaning has changed: Marie has joined him as a partner.

BREAKTHROUGH

COUNTING COUP

SECOND TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT II (ACTIIB MAJOR TWIST)

ACT III

If you can build in an emotional dilemma where the Hero must make a very tough decision — often where he or she loses something either way — then readers and audiences will be deeply engaged in the character’s 3rd Act experience.

This is the toughest decision of their lives. They are being forced to make a huge choice — usually between their goal and their need.

Sometimes, the decision will complete the Hero’s character arc. In others, it will send them in the opposite direction, allowing them to discover who they really are in the Climax.

CHRISIS/DILEMMA

CLIMAX

The entire movie has been building to this final conflict. This is the biggest expression of the conflict of this movie. The Hero and Villain come face to face for the showdown. And there will be only one winner.

RESOLUTION (DENEUMENT)

After all of this conflict, we finally come to the end of the journey. The resolution gives us an answer to the question that the Inciting Incident asked. It tells us how this conflict has finally been resolved.

NEW STATUS QUO (EPILOGUE?)

Working time shortened from 4 days to 2 days. Unable to do as much as I would have liked to have done.

[Alfred Dunham]

ASSIGNMENT 5: ACTION CLASS

Subject line: Alfred Dunham’s Action Track!

What I learned from this assignment is:

I’ve never much considered action in terms of TYPES of action, any more than how ACTION, as a Genre, differs from other Genre, like COMEDY or FANTASY.

There is a difference. For openers, The Main Character/Protagonist becomes a true “Hero” character, even as the Antagonist character becomes a true “Villain.” They are the core of the movie to the near exclusion of other characters, so it appears to be necessary to maintain that distinction by avoiding any side plots.

1. QUESTIONS:

A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie?B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track? C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act?

2. TYPES OF ACTION:

· A. Chase/Pursuit

· B. Fight

· C. Shootout

· D. Rescue

· E. Escape/Evade

· F. Competition

· G. Dangerous Situations

· H. Interrogation

· I. Torture

3. SEQUENCE OF ACTION SCENES

1. INVITATION:

With discrete flashbacks, we understand the history of the Hero and the Villain before the latter’s rise to power. The Villain knows full well, the hook he’s on and tries to play the [FAUX] Friend Game, by admitting to errors in judgment and pleading to let bygones be bygones – in exchange, of course, for a piece of the action.

2. NO CONTEST:

He must try to make [FAUX] friends, by making [FAUX] apologies and find a reconciliation, but the Hero is too smart for that and is, instead, seriously appalled buy Villain’s bald-facedness.

3. COERSION:

If the Hero refuses to fall for the Villain’s fakery, the Villain must then use intimidation, and he does.

4. THREATS:

If intimidation fails, the Villain must then move on to threat [which will be difficult because the way the past has ruined the Hero’s life]. As expected, threat fall on deaf ears, and the Villain is forced to make good on his threats.

ACT ONE TWIST

5. ESCAPE INTO HIDING:

When the Villain’s men come, the Hero narrowly escapes into his world of wilderness and secrets – and a laboratory that no one knows about.

6. HIDING OUT/SEARCHING OUT A PLAN:

In his giddy self-confidence, the Villain has driven the Hero into hiding, but with his resources he feels it’s just a matter of time before he can be eliminated.

7. TOUCHING COUP:

In a last-ditch effort to dissuade the Villain, the Hero makes a perilous entry into the Villain’s office, Ninja-style, straw/pipe-darting security as he goes with an instant acting tranquilizer, before delivering one last ultimatum to back off and leave him and his family alone. And then he darts the Villain as well.

8. ESCAPE BACK INTO HIDING

The Hero escapes the Villain’s headquarters, but the sheer boldness of his coup is a mockery to the Villain.

MIDPOINT TWIST

9. THE DECISION TO KILL THE HERO:

For the Villain, the flipped threats do just the opposite. He becomes entrenched in his madness. It becomes a fight to the death.

10. BREAKTHROUH:

Glass is sand, yet we can see right through it. The Hero has been working for years on a transparency field which would render one invisible. In his desperate race against time, the Hero perfects his portable unit, but once again, barely escapes the Villains men before they destroy is lab.

11. COUNTING COUP:

From within a makeshift laboratory deep withing a cave, withing the mountains, with no way for even dogs to follow, the Hero makes the final adjustment to a vaccine he has already developed and tested on animals, he loads several darts, as before, but these darts also contain the vaccine.

He then, with the help of his invisibility shield, he once again delivers his message, his darts, and his genetic bomb.

SECOND ACT TWIST

12. TRANSFORMATION:

Week’s pass, and the Villain is so rattled and distracted, he does not notice that he is changing. Long suppressed elements from our genetic past are beginning to express themselves – subtle changes: hair, skin color….

13. BURNING THE EVIL:

Thoroughly programmed to believe that dark skin color is a curse from an angry God, his followers see the changes and assume the worst. And they haul him out into public display and burn him at the stake for the curse they assume he has.

14. A NEW STATUS QUO

The Hero convinces the mob to stop — that it is NOT a curse, it’s science, not religion, and promises to undo the damage to the cult security members darted, if they will give up their racial hatred and embrace the science of oneness and brotherhood of all mankind, once and for all.

[Alfred Dunham]

ASSIGNMENT 4: ACTION CLASS

Subject line: Alfred Dunham’s Villain Track!

What I learned from this assignment is:

I did not know that there were two different types of Villain Plans — versions.

Villain Questions to discover Villain’s Pan, decisions, actions:

A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? The plan could be pre-existing or created on the spot.

This Villain already has a “bad conscience” and fears the Hero’s strengths, so

1. INVITATION:

The Villain knows full well, the hook he’s on and tries to play the [FAUX] Friend Game, by asking to let bygones be bygones – in exchange for the piece of the action, of course.

2. NO CONTEST:

He must try to make [FAUX] friends, by making [FAUX] apologies and find a reconciliation.

3. COERSION:

If the Hero refuses to fall for the Villain’s fakery, he must then use intimidation.

4. THREATS:

If intimidation fails, he must then move on to threat [which will be difficult because the past].

5. ESCAPE INTO HIDING:

When the Villain’s men come, the Hero narrowly escapes into his world of wilderness and secrets – and a laboratory that no one knows about.

6. HIDING OUT/SEARCHING OUT A PLAN:

In his giddy self-confidence, the Villain has driven the Hero into hiding, but with his resources he feels it’s just a matter of time before he can be eliminated.

7. TOUCHING COUP:

In a last-ditch effort to dissuade the Villain, the Hero makes a perilous entry into the Villain’s office, Ninja-style, straw/pipe-darting security as he goes with an instant acting tranquilizer, before delivering one last ultimatum to back off and leave him and his family alone. And then he darts the Villain as well.

8. THE DECISION TO KILL HIM:

For the Villain, the flipped threats do just the opposite. It becomes a fight to the death.

9. BREAKTHROUH:

Glass is sand, yet we can see right through it. The Hero has been working for years on a transparency field which would render one invisible. In his desperate race against time, the Hero perfects his portable unit, but once again, barely escapes the Villains men before they destroy is lab.

10. COUNTING COUP:

From within a makeshift laboratory deep withing a cave, withing the mountains, with no way for even dogs to follow, the Hero makes the final adjustment to a vaccine he has already developed and tested on animals, he loads several darts, as before, but these darts also contain the vaccine.

He then, with the help of his invisibility shield, he once again delivers his message, his darts, and his genetic bomb.

11. TRANSFORMATION:

Week’s pass, and the Villain is so rattled and distracted, he does not notice that he is changing. Long suppressed elements from our genetic past are beginning to express themselves – subtle changes: hair, skin color….

12. BURNING THE EVIL:

Thoroughly programmed to believe that dark skin color is a curse from an angry God, his followers see the changes and assume the worst. And they haul him out into public display and burn him at the stake for the curse they assume he has.

The Hero convinces the mob to stop — that it is NOT a curse, it’s science, not religion, and promises to undo the damage to the cult security members darted, if they will give up their racial hatred and embrace the science of oneness and brotherhood of all mankind, once and for all.

B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero?

1. He can try and convince the Hero he is wrong and get him to join The Cause, thus destroying any reputation he may have ever still had.

2. He can intimidate the Hero and get him to back down and “admit” he’s wrong, publicly.

3. He can intimidate the Hero and at least keep him quiet about his beliefs.

4. He can force the Hero into hiding while still trying to get to him physically to shut him up.

5. He can try and close all the Hero’s means of communication, even if he can’t get at him

6. He can maybe find a friend/former friend of the Hero, willing to betray him and expose him.

7. And if the Villain is forced to kill the Hero, he can claim it was an accident over which he had no control.

8. But then, of course, it may start all over with loyal Hero followers.

C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie?

1. The Villain has a huge cult following, by now that are properly conditioned to BELIEVE the leader.

2. The Villain has virtually limitless funding at his disposal.

3. The Villain has a lot of media control at his disposal.

4. The Villain has the ear of much religion and those of all racists, wherever they exist.

D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done?/former

1. Simply getting rid of the Villain will still leave hoards of True Believers who will vow to continue the fight.

2. Killing the Villain will only turn him into a martyr, which will still play against the Hero.

3. The Hero MUST show superior Morality and Ethics by using the Villain’s own claims and arguments against him in some undeniable way.

4. The ideal way to silence the Villain would be to use his own words to destroy him, backed up by physical evidence.

5. The Villain is a racist who attempts to hid behind his own villainy by attempting to villainize “other” groups of people and gain power and support.

6. So, what if the Hero has the power to cause the Villain to literally morph into the off-putting physical standards set by the Villain, and thus show his philosophy to be as fully bankrupt as his standards. What if the Hero can literally prove to the Villain’s followers what they to not want to believe but can no long deny? What would that say about the Villain?

Include Labels with each Step of their Plan:

[“Develop your own labels but make sure they clearly show: Decisions, Plans, and Actions the Villain takes”]

There are twelve LABELS created.

[Alfred Dunham]

ASSIGNMENT 3: ACTION CLASS

Subject line: Alfred Dunham’s Hero’s Mission Track

What I learned from this assignment is:

Further building on the earlier discovery that an Action film can be anything, as long as the “battle” between “Hero and Villain” is intense and impossible to win. And the Hero doesn’t need to be a “GOOD GUY” any more than the Villain needs to be a “BAD GUY” (even though I have to admit to not seeing how that would be powerful enough). Each only needs to believe that He or She is right and/or empowered enough to win the battle), and the other person is wrong or too weak to win… but the battle must be incredibly intense and impossible to win for the Hero. I didn’t expect the fullness of this statement, but leaving the issue open for interpretation, this is what I see. That means that the weapons can be anything: love/hate, sex, money… anything.

And this implies that Action Genre scripts are free to move into any area of magic, adventure, fantasy, sci-fi – anything at all to raise the stakes. However, I would hazard a guess, it had better make sense or it will DE-POWER the script. If the “gimmick” is seen to be too silly, it isn’t going to work.

1. Mission Track Questions

A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds?

a. Science is uncompromising. If one is not willing to roll with Mother Nature’s punches, one should stand far back, away from it. But our Hero, a young man of high moral standing, was lured into the XYZ University, on the pretext of its altruistic and humanitarian values. But as the Hero nears the end of his Ph.D. research, Mother Nature throws him a hot potato. He discovers that the genetic difference between chimpanzees and humans is miniscule, at best, and that is not what a creationist wants to hear. Nobody knows what it means, and the proof of it is still twenty years away, but discredited by the university, the Hero is left to do what he can with his remaining M.A. – he becomes a high school teacher. With his carrer behind him, in shambles, the cult leader wants to make nice and gloss over past wrongs [he is terrified of the damage Mr. Hero can do to him], but the Hero feels he has little else to lose, and his wife is fully behind him. He wants his reputation – his “face” — back, and that’s more important to him, now, than life.

B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal?

a. The Hero’s nemesis at the university has grown larger than life and the cultish following he commands is now bent on world domination. Every decent thing it ever appeared to stand for is proving to be a lie – a way to condition his cult base into to unwavering conformity. But its cult leader understands that a lot of mouths need to be stopped in anyway necessary. The Hero, however, balks, and thus he becomes a lone voice against the coming violence. The Hero’s mission is to take down the cult leader, the Villain, — his former and ever current nemesis.

C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?

a. Internal The Hero longs to get even, not so much for his career loss as for the chance to

regain “face” and to expose evil where it sits. This is a well overdue part of the Hero’s grieving process for his lost life-opportunities.

b. External As a build-in high sense of morality and ethics, the Hero longs to destroy the

evil before in reaches maximum potential and kills him, along with millions of others like him. He doesn’t mind dying, per se, to silence evil, but he’d much rather live, along with his wife and friends.

D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain?

a. Most likely, he will die as he tries to expose the Villain.

b. As above, but the Hero will escape, time after time, within the vastness of the mountain wilderness to which he is accustomed, but each time the cult catches up to him, it will become more hair-raising and narrow a miss – until they finally catch him and make an example of him.

c. As above, but the Hero’s mind will click on something from his past that makes sensehe makes his way to his private, hidden laboratory where he run some experiments to jog his possibilities. The Catch is that he must make physical contact with the Villain – seriously dangerous a move, if it fails – and disguise it as “Touch Coup.” What he has actually done is physically planted the biological seeds of his undoing.

Most of our DNA is a “bone-pile” of full of miscellaneous bits and snippets of left-over DNA from our evolutionary past. Knowing that humans and great apes are most related, and there for have more parts in common, the Hero puts his denied Ph.D.(plus more recently advanced research) to work. And as the Villain begins to express characteristics he has “preached” are sings of God’s curse, his shocked following are at first repulsed by the Villain and then fearful for their own lives. They are ready to do anything to avoid “the curse.”

Rather than admit to defeat, the Villain would rather face the cultish mob he has created, still believing he can control them, until they burn him at the stake. Thus, begins the slow process of de-programming the cult members into the rational understanding that all humans are equally human.

2. Clear Track Mission:

Motivation:

When the Villain tries to drag the Hero into his cult following , the Hero stands his ground. He would rather die that give in, and he has the past to whip him on.

Inciting Incident [or Story Driver]:

When soft offers from the Villain are rejected and he switches from invitation to coercion, the battle is set.

First Action:

When cult “police” show up to take the Hero into custody, he is ready enough defeat them and leave a message for the Villainous cult leader, before vanishing.

Obstacle:

The Hero has no real way to get to the Villain, but he, at first, is able to avoid him. Now time is running out and he needs a new plan

Escalation:

Every time the Villain’s forces nearly capture the Hero it only whets the Villains appetite for more intensity toward capturing him. And makes the Hero more determined to figure out a way to win.

Overwhelming Odds:

The Hero sneaks into the cult Headquarters, but as cult security begins to fall from his poison darts, it creates such a calamity, he barely escapes with his skin intact.

New Plan:

He must find a way to enter the compound undetected – and he does.

Full out Attack:

The Hero enters the compound hidden by an energy field, finds the cult leader, the Villain, and is able to deliver his DNA altering potion and escape. The Villain mistakes the dart for a poison dart and makes elevated speeches about how he is immune to the Hero’s poison and how the Hero will shortly be found and destroyed.

Success [or Denouement]:

Unaware of what is already happening inside him, the Villain begins to show signs of his altered DNA in his skin pigment and anatomical alternations to earlier hominid forms. But while he is so focused on finding the Hero, and doesn’t notice, his well-conditioned following notice and consider it for what they are conditioned to believe it is – a curse.

Soon, the cult following terrified, burn their leader at the stake and beg for the Hero to intervene.

Teacher that he is, the Hero begins the scientific revelation of the commonality of ALL mankind.

[Alfred Dunham]

ASSIGNMENT 2: ACTION CLASS

Subject line: Alfred Dunham’s Hero and Villain

What I learned from this assignment is:

I learned that the Action Genra is considerably broader than I expected. Most of what I’ve written is Drama-based explorations of Character, Morals, Ethics, and Behavior, which is de-emphasized in Action Scripts, but not necessarily excluded. In an Action Script, a “Hero” and a “Villain” are pitted against each other and while it is important to define Moral rightness and wrongness in terms of the ongoing fight, it is the Action that takes center stage, not Character.

I spent time in Google going over lists of acclaimed Action Movies and was quite surprised to find that the Genre covers a LOT of ground. After Star Wars I should have known, I suppose, but it never really sunk in. That was Sci-Fi, but it was also ACTION! And on can say the same thing for Action Comedy, Action Fantasy, and so on. So, I think I’m okay, thinking in terms of doing whatever I need to do to push the action in any way I can. That’s a relief!

CONCEPTS

1. The Hero Morally Right.

2. The Villain Morally Wrong.

3. The Conflict between the Hero and the Villain is a unique expression of who/what they are.

4. It is the Combination of Hero vs. Villain that makes the movie work.

5. While the script is not specifically about Character, per se, it is about powerful Characters, and it is these Characters that sell their roles to actors.

HERO

1. Unique Skill Set

a. A Highly Capable high school science teacher, who is skilled at thinking outside the box in both the science lab and in the wilderness, he grew up in.

b. He is also highly disciplined and moral in both thoughts and actions, but pushed too far, he knows how to push back in unexpected ways.

c. And he has a volatile background with the Villain that he is not generally known or appreciated.

2. Motivation

[Every (Person) has the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, i.e., self-determination]

a. The Villain and the Hero have an unpleasant past in which the Villain essentially ruined his career/life.

b. The Hero feels he has little more to lose.

c. Except when the Villain threatens the Hero’s innocent family.

d. The freedom of an entire community is at stake, and he feels he has a moral obligation to help them.

3. Secret(s) or wound(s)

a. The hero has multiple wounds:

i. starting with his partial and never claimed Native American Heritage

ii. his superior mental capacity that is being defamed by the Villain

iii. and he is being punished for not having the “acceptable” belief structure of the Villain.

b. The hero also has multiple secrets:

i. having lived a largely secluded life, he places to hide, knows wild things to eat

ii. discoveries in his lab, stunning advances in technology that no one knows about.

UNBEATABLE VILLAIN

1. Unbeatable

a. Villain has no scruples, having climbed the ladder of infamy within a quasi-religious community that has gone from corrupt to clearly malicious and evil, except in the eyes of a well-manipulated following that is growing rapidly in strength and numbers.

2. Plan/Goal

a. To stay as far away from the Hero as possible. He senses ultimate danger.

b. To get the Hero to condemn himself.

c. To kill the Hero, if necessary, and make it look like an accident, and

d. To try and turn the Hero’s death into the ideology of weakness or judgment.

3. What they lose if Hero survives

a. Everything: Power, Prestige, Money, Face, and maybe even the Villain’s life

IMPOSSIBLE MISSION

NOTE:

Among the Plains Indians of North America, counting coup involved the winning of prestige against an enemy. Native American warriors won prestige by acts of bravery in the face of the enemy, which could be recorded in various ways and retold as stories.

The most prestigious act was to touch or strike an enemy warrior [or even just his plans], leave him alive, then escaping unharmed. That was Counting or Touching Coup.

1. Puts Hero in Action

With all other ordinary options closed, there ONLY remains two options left.

a. The Hero can choose to kill the Villain, but this will not eliminate the problem.

b. The Hero can choose to Count or Touch Coup and spare the Villain’s life, but he must also discredit him in order to do so.

c. The Villain is outmaneuvered and outsmarted at every turn and now he is desperate to kill the Hero.

d. This necessitates the Hero to take the risky course of “Touching or Counting Coup” in order to win.

2. Demands they go beyond their best

a. This has become a winner takes all battle to the “death,” whether figuratively or actually.

b. Destroy the Villain

a. The Villain has all the power and backing he needs to become triumphant in his demonic desire to take over the world and destroy the Hero, but

b. With his faulty ideology, he sets himself up for a fall of monumental proportions.

c. The Villain

EVELATED ANSWERS, IF POSSIBLE

None at this time.

[Alfred Dunham]

I’m Alfred Dunham, also known as “Gene.” I’ve written. or am in the process of writing, 5 scripts, 3 have been entered into contests, one remains a draft, one is being written (not including this classwork). I’m in a rut with Drama scripts and wanted to try an Action script. I was a molecular biologist/teacher who became a dentist who also became President of the Medical Staff in a State of Iowa Mental Hospital/Prison facility for 28 years. Now retired, I continue to race RC yachts, was Editor of Model Yachting for 8 years, ets.

[Alfred Dunham]

Alfred Dunham

I agree to the terms of this release form

1. That everyone’s work here is copyrighted and they are the sole
owner of that work. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this
group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that
idea.

2. That this program is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun and I will not share,

disclose, present, or deliver the information, design, and writing of this

program to anyone for any reason without written permission from Hal Croasmun.

3. That I will keep the other writers’ ideas and writing confidential
(including Hal’s materials) and will not share this information with
anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner.
I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone
outside this group.

4. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or
have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can
independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or
movie idea.

5. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for
any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted
work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from
marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents,
managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment
industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for Writing Killer Action Scripts.

[Alfred Dunham]

https://www.screenwritingclasses.com/forums/discussion/post-your-lesson-1-assignment-here/#new-post

Post Your Lesson 1 Assignment here

[Alfred Dunham]

Gisele, contact me at alfreddunham@aol.com. I sent you a note, but mailerdeamon wold not post it. It does not recognize World…….. I’ve already gone half way through your script. Fascinating writing!

Alfred

[Alfred Dunham]

Brenda: This is Alfred Dunham. Are you the self-same Brenda Clark who sent me a Friend request? If so, when critique time comes along, maybe we can exchange critiques???

[Alfred Dunham]

1:OO PM, Sat., California Time.

[Alfred Dunham]

Good concept; love the ending, would like to know more about what happens next – and before – but this is presumed to be just one scene out of 40+. The MITs are there, so the only thing left is the dialogue structure. I find it kinda rough. I like seeing incomplete sentences here and there because that’s how we speak, but too many can become a cliche. I’d like to see a better balance with smoother transitions. That’s not much to critique, but I thought I’d just mention it.

[Alfred Dunham]

Sorry, I lost the Forums on my computer, earlier. But yes. this works. You were very direct and easy to follow. You chose to make Maxine confrontational, so you avoided Hal’s observations re: Renee. The rest followed quite well: surprise, suspense, major twist, etc, with the traits fitting like a good glove. I missed the “other” name, so I was confused for a moment, but I easily figured it out.

[Alfred Dunham]

Terrific script. I misread street/car as “streetcar” (don’t see many of those anymore). LOL. But that would make a good interesting setting, too. But a police car? That’s even better. I liked many of your choices for words to describe (shows good vocabulary), and introducing the anencephalic baby into the mix was brilliant. Finally, the ending was totally unexpected. Good Cliffhanger. And yes, you did get the IT’s in there! The storyline did pull me through clear to the end.

I tried to work a hook into mine, but couldn’t. The Mystery was where the snake was, but I don’t think it worked, due to the somewhat constricted scene. And I don’t think I left enough time for it to find the mouse cage, but — maybe after the 69th read-through I would have caught it??? Thanks for the critique.

[Alfred Dunham]

RE: Hal’s little speech about Cliffhangers, would one be appropriate at the end of your Scene? Just a thought.

[Alfred Dunham]

It’s funny how we come up with such different stories yet share some of the same situations. I flooded a pet store. LOL

[Alfred Dunham]

I am really drawn to this sort of story. Religion and culture, especially as they challenge my own battle with science and life in general — making choices — doing the best I can with the information — having to admit to being wrong sometimes. I feel the struggle in this scene. I have all the works of Chaim Potok, incidentally. Very interesting reads.

[Alfred Dunham]

That is painfully true, Brenda. It pulls me in and keeps me going.

[Alfred Dunham]

Your story is so very different from both Yanni’s and mine. Good story. I was President of the Medical Staff for 21 of the 28 years I worked in a mental hospital, so I stay away from such stories. But I’ve seen similar ones, and your account rings patently true. Heartbreakingly true.

[Alfred Dunham]

Without further putting too fine a point on it, I will default to Brenda’s eagle eye. She got me, too. But the girl’s age does seem to be a problem. Having said that, the writing is still remarkable, as is the concept. Hal said this would happen – all the different approaches to the same basic information and the need to remain flexible. Well done, Yanni.

[Alfred Dunham]

See the third draft.

[Alfred Dunham]

Thanks, Brenda. I know better but still make that mistake. I tend to dislike stories when I don’t know where they are, so I sometimes resort to voice-over, but that, too, is losing favor. I was trying to set up the visuals for when John falls off the point. A cliff Hanger? LOL. But you are entirely correct. This doesn’t work.

[Alfred Dunham]

Good question. I don’t think I made that clear enough. They are both double agents, but who are they ultimately working for? And the head of the CIA sent them to this remote place to try and ferret the truth out of them.

[Alfred Dunham]

Hi, Yann,

A small residential parking lot?! THAT caught my eye right off! That is so unexpected it’s your more interesting site. Sometimes going small is really going BIG. The only thing I see up-front is that it’s a separate scene. No biggie. I did the same thing, axed it, and got critiqued for getting rid of some of my useful lead-in information. Such is writing. LOL I’m glad you left it in.

The dialogue really pulls me through the script – keeps me wondering what’s happening. In your previous version, I got lost. Here, I don’t.

Apparently, Trent is also Bobby? Hypothetically, I will assume you defined this in a previous, introductory scene. One way to handle this is to use TRENT/BOBBY in the Sluglines, but that’s only a suggestion. [see Trottier’s, The Scriptwriter’s Bible]

Without actually counting, you seem to have all the interest techniques in there: surprise, suspense, [I’m sorry, I’m rushing – I have a hospital appointment], etc. So, kudos. That’s tough to do.

One delicate thing to discuss. Old movies drive me nuts with all the smoking scenes and everything associated with them – sexy light-ups, blowing nasty smoke in each other’s face, studying and playing with a ciggie, etc. They stick out like sore thumbs, now, to cliched writing. And that’s one of the things we’re supposed to be watching out for.

In this current age, we sometimes miss the modern cliches. I’m a doctor; I spent most of my career in a mental hospital where I saw and heard everything. I can’t even describe some of it here. So, I’m not a prude. In fact, I find the following story hilarious.

A child who has barely learned to talk, looking out the window –

“Look! It’s a fucking goat.”

Mother –

“No, it’s just a goat.”

Child –

“No, it’s a FUCKING, goat.”

Which brings us back to being careful what we say around kids. I always worry about using strong language and mostly try to say it in other ways or with actions. Just be aware that gratuitous sex and language CAN be a cliché and a turn-off. Use it wisely. They’re sort of like -ly words (I try to restrict them to “wryly’s,”), he said, wryly.

Your rewrite is much improved. Good work. I just had to squeeze this in.

[Alfred Dunham]

First of all, I liked the way you organized your assignment right from the beginning: Logline, Essence, Interest Techniques. I failed to do that, so kudos to you. I LIKE organization. A Slugline would have been helpful, too. I see you also bracketed your IT’s. I got so lost!!! I’m sure this gets easier, but this was a mind-bender for me. I write on a black screen in Final Draft and use a lot of color coding, so writing black on white exposes my crutch and throws me for a loop.

I think the BACK ROOM scene is, in fact, a separate act and should have it’s own Slugline, etc., but that’s probably not important to this assignment. On the other hand, you could separate these two different focal points by using ALL CAPS to define those focal points, like MAIN ROOM and BACK ROOM (similar to LATER).

It appears that, “Do what he said,” is the first line of Dialogue in the assignment scene. But I don’t know who HE is. (that does get explained, but here, I found it confusing). Lydia’s doing the talking, and she’s got the gun, so I’m not sure why she’s uncertain or hopeful. Something from a previous scene? Instead of HE maybe you could just say, TRENT.

Hal seems to think that at least one long dialogue (so the actor can show off their skills) is a good thing, but most of what I’ve read seems to prefer no more than 2-3 lines of dialogue at a time, especially up front. But we don’t exactly know where this scene is, so this is just a general caveat. Another caveat: only one exclamation mark per script. I find this rule of thumb aggravating at times, but I try to live with it.

I like your storyline, but one more caveat. Two years ago, I wrote a script called STONES OF FIRE. I had just gotten out of rehab for a stroke, and my left hand was useless. I used the script to teach myself how to type again. I got the idea for the story from the Russian myth of the Firebird. I won’t bother you with details, but I got rapped very hard by Scriptapalooza’s Coverage service for using the bird-like Aliens in the story to help the Protagonist realize his goal. They thought it was a cheap shot that took away from the Protagonist’s character and brilliance. I understand how devastating that kind of critique can be, but Hal is right, and so were they. It got a quarterfinalist finish, but that’s no cigar when you’re going for production. I still haven’t rewritten it yet. This course is FULL of goodies. It’s opened my mind to new possibilities. Magic is fun, but if we use it to get us out of the corner we’ve painted ourselves into, it becomes a worn-out cliché. Sometimes even SHOWING isn’t enough. Just make sure your magic is thoroughly germane to the story. If you want more on this, you can post me at alfreddunham@aol.com. It’s a mistake I made, and am willing to share.

[Alfred Dunham]

Yeah, Brenda, you make a lot of great points. This, however, was only one scene from a presumptive script of 40-60 scenes. I actually started with an EXT. ROBERT’S PRIVATE YACHT – NIGHT scene that showed him boarding Trent’s presumptive yacht, but realized that’s two scenes. So I axed it. But unless I did a close-up of a champagne bottle, you’re right. Who would know (and even then, for most of us, still, who’d know – does Schramsburg mean anything to you)? Ditto for the Cuban cigars. Someone would have to carry that information into some dialogue somewhere. Tricky stuff, this writing! Thanks.

[Alfred Dunham]

That’s because I got confused with my own story. See #6′

[Alfred Dunham]

Yeah, Yanni. I got confused and screwed it up. See #6

[Alfred Dunham]

Might intentionally be, in fact, pathological? Alcoholism is listed in DSM.

[Alfred Dunham]

New ideas and nudges are always helpful.

[Alfred Dunham]

Like Leah, I, too, found this an eye-opener. It’s very easy to overlook “Situation” in favor of our “Characters.” In Dramatica Theory, there is an attempt to get us to see in terms of Story Elements instead of People or things. Instead of seeing, say, Luke Skywalker, we focus on the “Pursuit” element (which is the “action characteristic” role of the Protagonist, as opposed to its “decision characteristic,” which is “Consider”). By doing this, we can better see the core of the character — his OR her OR its (for things) essence. When Luke gets caught up in simply swinging a lightsaber (his action characteristic), he gets into trouble. When he finally listens to his mentor and pushes the computer aside (his consider characteristic), he becomes complete. Every element has two sides to it, and that’s a huge part of the Essence — everything is in tension — Protagonist vs. Antagonist, etc., etc., etc.

[Alfred Dunham]

You are spot-on, Leah. After this assignment, I went back to Act 1 of a new script I’m writing and wrote, right into Final Draft, an “Essence” entry, one line before each Scene’s Slug Line for each scene I had written. I then returned to Scene 1, read the Essence, then the scene. Ideas started popping out all over the place, so I Rewrote as I went. My wife had heard my best effort before, so I reread the act to her, and I DID NOT HAVE TO ASK! I could see I in her face. I had, in fact, DOUBLED the quality of the writing. This stuff works!!!

[Alfred Dunham]

That’s great, David. Meeting and sharing are half the value of the course. Incidentally, in my current script, which I just finished [PROMISES], David is the name of the main character’s male best friend.

[Alfred Dunham]

Thank you Bree. Looking for a great time and good feedback. I still communicate with former classmates. This is a great group.