Andrea Higgins
Forum Replies Created
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Andrea: New Max Interest Techniques
Scene: C, S, & L first encounter the OM
Essense: The three think they have finally found someone who can help, but the OM only illuminates how serious the situation really is.
2 or More Interest Techniques for rewrite
– Hook is revealed — reveals the reality and challenge they face
– Something unseen is controlling their future — someone more powerful than they are means them harm.
– Anticipatory Dialog—the OM’s guidance suggests serious trouble ahead, but they have the resources that can help them overcome it.
Rewrite:
Keeping personal for now.
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Andrea’s Challenging Situations
Scene 1:
A. Current Logline: K is not enjoying her own engagement party.
B. Essence: She’s about to marry the perfect guy, why doesn’t she feel happy.
C. Possible Challenges Brainstorm
— the shallowness of his family surfaces
— the intrusion of other’s values on her and her future life becomes clear
— she sees who she could become as she looks at her soon to be brother-in-laws wife
— someone from her past shows up
D. Summary of Proposed Changes
— In the original, the bride-to-be is sulky and unhappy. In the new version, she will confront the choices she’s making as she begins to recognize that her own future is playing out in a way that will make her miserable—especially as she interacts with her soon-to-be in-laws. The arrival of someone from her past will reignite her independent spirit.
Scene 2:
A. Current Logline: J arrives at a friends house for an engagement party.
B. Essence: J realizes that the bride is the first (and only) love.
C. Possible Challenges Brainstorm
— J went away to prove himself, and he’s returned successful, but is it too late
— J reconnects with an old friend, not realizing he’s marrying the girl he loves.
— J begins to suspect the groom has other motives for getting married
— J signals to the bride-to-be that he has never stopped loving her.
D. Summary of Proposed Changes
— In the original the connection between the groom’s fiancé and J’s past is a weird coincidence. In the new version it will still be a coincidence, but his arrival will reveal things that the bride does not know and could greatly impact her future happiness. J must decide how and when and even if he should act.
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Inherently Dramatic Character Profiles – Before and After
1
Description – original: A young boy who finds himself at the center of a terrorist conspiracy, must outrun and outwit a powerful adversary.
Description New—When everyone he cares about is threatened, a young and insecure boy must draw upon the lessons he’s learned from friends and family to thwart a terrorist.
Traits – original: Loving, Brave, Respectful, Insecure
Traits – new: Loving, Insecure, Resourceful, Loyal
Subtext: What does it mean to be a hero when you’re just an ordinary kid?
Subtext New: Love conquers all—even when you’re just an ordinary kid trying to save the world from a terrorist.
2
Description – original: A trusting child has secretly formed a friendship with a supernatural being.
Description new – when a stranger comes to town with ill intent, it is the love and innocence of a child that turns both their lives around.
Traits – original: Secretive, Trusting, Strong, Unforgiving
Traits – new: Vulnerable, Secretive, Independent, Loving
Subtext-original: When a young girl loses her parents in a horrible incident, she forms a connection that may endanger her own life.
Subtext-new: As a young girl grows to womanhood, she comes to understand the incredible gift of strength and love that an enduring friend has given her.
3
Description – original: A grieving boy learns to trust and love again.
Description – new: A brokenhearted boy learns to let go of loss in order to love again.
Traits – original: Adventurous, loving, stubborn, grieving
Traits – new: Brokenhearted, Willful, Loyal, Loving
Subtext – original: When a boy and his friends get lost in a dangerous forrest, they must outwit and outrun and adversary.
Subtext – new: When a boy and is friends find themselves the target of an adversary, he learns that he can’t fight her alone — only through loving and trusting each other, can the friends defeat her and return home.
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JOHN AND NICK – 2nd Draft
NEW LOGLINE
A crooked Cardinal attempt to thwart a pious Priest who plans to expose him.
NEW ESSENCE
Two men of the cloth: one will hide behind his faith’s the tenants and protections to protect himself; the other will violate the tenants and protections for the moral high ground — even if it leads to his defrocking, or his death.
NEW SCENE
FADE IN
INT. CHURCH NAVE – NIGHT
NICK (50), a Cardinal, stands at the back of the church. He speaks MOS, and offers gestures of comfort to PARISHONERS as they exit.
INT. CHOIR LOFT – NIGHT
JOHN (30), a Priest, stands in the shadows, observing as the Cardinal bestows special attention to one YOUNG BOY.
The boy leaves with his PARENTS and Cardinal Nick proceeds down the center aisle. He exits toward an anteroom behind the alter.
Father John climbs down the stairs to the
NAVE
and moves in the shadows along the side wall, beneath the stations of the cross.
He pauses at the offertory candles. The light issuing from the red glass candle holders casts a devilish glow across his face — and his clerical collar.
He lights a candle and makes the sign of the cross.
At the sound of a HEAVY DOOR CLOSING and FOOTSTEPS in the anteroom, John slips into an alcove behind a statue of St. Nicholas (patron saint of children).
NICK, Cardinal’s robes now removed, reenters the nave. As he passes the offertory, he too pauses — to light a cigar.
As he draws on the cigar, he glances up at his patron saint. Has he caught sight of the cassock-clad figure crouching behind?
Perhaps not, for he walks casually toward the alter, still decorated from the Bishop’s funeral that ended just moments ago: a large portrait of the Bishop surrounded by flowers.
Nick flicks some ashes, which land on a petal of one of the lilies.
He then turns, strides up the center aisle, and exists through the front doors of the church.
John emerges from his hiding spot. He approaches the alter, takes a handkerchief from his pocket, and gently removes the ashes from the lily.
INT. SACRISTRY – NIGHT
John slips silently into the room. He stands before the tabernacle, genuflects and makes the sign of the cross.
INT. NAVE – NIGHT
Nick renters, tossing the butt of his cigar out the door. He pulls out a key ring, and begins locking up, but stops short when he notices a light issuing from the anteroom.
INT. SACRISTRY – NIGHT
John sits behind the desk.
NICK (O.S.)
So, it is you, who has been stealing from the donation box.
John slips something under the robes of his cassock as Nick crosses the threshold into the room.
NICK
Always playing the innocent. Always so loyal to the Bishop. And here you are breaking and entering.
JOHN
Not breaking. The door was unlocked.
NICK
You tell that to the police when they arrive. I’ve already called them.
JOHN
That’s daring of you.
NICK
Not at all. It’s my job to tend to the souls of my flock. Sometimes the best way to do that is to help someone, even a misguided Priest, face up to their mistakes.
JOHN
I couldn’t agree more. I’ll stand by your side when you confess.
Nick appears unsettled. He glances nervously toward the tabernacle, then back at John.
NICK
He was your mentor. In your grief you are confused.
JOHN
As you like to say, “Not at all.”
The edge in John’s voice inflames Nick’s temper. He’s across the room in three strides and smashes a fist down on the desktop.
NICK
You will show me respect.
John jumps to his feet, leaning in, nose-to-nose with Nick.
JOHN
Not on your life.
NICK
I’ll see you defrocked.
JOHN
I’ll meet you in the de-robing room. I hear it’s one of your favorite spots.
This rattles Nick — his mouth opens but no words issue forth.
JOHN
Of course, I know that I’m not really your type.
With one violent sweep of his arms, Nick clears the desktop. Items crash to the floor and scatter.
NICK
You don’t know anything.
Nick circles the desk. John mirrors his actions to keep the desk between them.
JOHN
I know everything. Hearing the confessions of children who thought it was their fault.
Nick, in a rage, rips a crucifix from the wall. His hand tightens around one end as he holds it out like a sword.
JOHN
Poisoning the Bishop after he threatened to come forward. And in such fashion. The wine, so he would die in front of the congregation.
Nick swings the crucifix at John but misses. He swings again, but John is out the door.
INT. NAVE – NIGHT
John is halfway up the aisle. Nick stops in front of the alter. His voice is icily cold.
NICK
Who do you think taught me?
John whirls around and stares at him.
JOHN
The Bishop.
Nick looks stunned.
JOHN
He confessed.
John pulls a stack of photos secured with a red ribbon, out from beneath his cassock.
JOHN
And he told me to look in the tabernacle for the photos.
SIRENS blare outside and flashing red and blue police lights illuminate the nave.
Nick emotes a GUTTERAL SCREAM as he raises the crucifix above his head and charges up the aisle toward John.
CUT TO BLACK.
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JOHN AND NICK – First Draft
Logline:
A Priest attempts to bring down a Cardinal who is guilty of a heinous crime.
Essence:
Two men of the cloth: one will violate the most sacred symbols of his faith to protect himself; the other with risk everything, even if it leads to his defrocking, or his death.
SCENE:
FADE IN
INT. CHURCH NAVE – NIGHT
JOHN (30), climbs down the stairs leading from the choir loft and moves in the shadows along the side wall, beneath the stations of the cross.
He pauses by the offertory candles, which cast a devilish red glow across his face — and his clerical collar. He lights a candle and makes the sign of the cross.
At the sound of FOOTSTEPS in the anteroom, he slips behind statuary of Mary.
NICK, still wearing his Cardinal’s robes enters the nave. As he passes the offertory, he too pauses — to light a cigar.
As he draws on the cigar, there is a slight tensing in his body and shift in his eyes. Has he caught sight of the cassock-clad figure hiding behind Mary?
Perhaps not. He walks toward the alter, still decorated from the Bishop’s funeral just hours ago. The Cardinal flicks some ashes, which land on a petal of one of the lilies.
He then turns, strides up the center aisle, and exists through the front doors of the church.
John emerges from his hiding spot. He approaches the alter, takes a handkerchief from his pocket, and gently removes the ashes from the lily.
INT. SACRISTRY – NIGHT
John slips silently into the room. He holds aloft a candle for light. He places it on the desk and begins rummaging through the drawers.
NICK (O.S.)
So it was you.
John whirls around. Nick crosses the threshold into room.
NICK
Always playing the innocent. Always so loyal to the Bishop. And here you are breaking and entering.
JOHN
Not breaking. I have a key.
NICK
Right. Well you tell that to the police when they arrive. Oh yes. I’ve already called them.
JOHN
That’s daring of you.
NICK
Not at all. It’s my job to tend to the souls of my flock. Sometimes the best way to do that is to help someone face up to their mistakes.
JOHN
I couldn’t agree more. So why don’t I help you with that. I’ll be by your side when you confess.
Nick takes a puff of his cigar, drops it to the ground and smashes it out with his foot. John studies him.
NICK
I know you were a favorite of his. Your grief must have you confused.
JOHN
As you like to say, “Not at all.”
The edge in John’s voice get’s under Nick’s skin. He’s across the room in three strides and smashes a fist down on the desktop.
NICK
You show me respect.
Now John’s on his feet, leaning in, nose-to-nose with Nick.
JOHN
Not on your life.
NICK
I’ll see you defrocked.
JOHN
I’ll meet you in the de-robing room. I hear it’s one of your favorite spots.
For the first time Nick looks rattled.
JOHN
Of course, I know that I’m not really your type.
With one violent sweep of his arms, Nick clears the desktop. Items crash to the floor and scatter.
NICK
You don’t know anything.
John begins circling the desk. Nick circles as well, to keep the desk between them.
JOHN
I know everything. Keeping your photos in the tabernacle. Hearing the confessions of children who thought it was their fault.
Nick, in a rage, rips a crucifix from the wall. His hand tightens around it, as he holds it like a sword.
JOHN
Oh, and how could I forget, poisoning the Bishop after he threatened to come forward.
Nick swings the crucifix at John but misses. He swings again, but John is out the door.
INT. NAVE – NIGHT
John is halfway up the aisle. Nick stops in front of the alter. His voice is icily cold.
NICK
Who do you think taught me?
John whirls around and stares at him.
JOHN
The Bishop.
Nick looks stunned.
JOHN
He confessed.
John pulls some photos and a ledger out from beneath his cassock.
JOHN
And he told me where to find the photos, the ledger.
SIRENS blare outside and flashing police lights illuminate the nave.
Nick emotes a GUTTERAL SCREAM as he raises the crucifix above his head and charges up the aisle toward John.
CUT TO BLACK.
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Hi Patrick,
I think you did a good job with establishing a scenario that works for the assignment. Here are just a few thoughts that occurred to me as I was trying to think through the guidelines we have been working with. Only take them to heart if they help.
There are moments that work effectively for Trent (his subtext and need come through in how he manipulates Angie, for example). But I think that scene would work equally well for Robert (smooth, gregarious, and name dropping gossip).
Since Trent is the one that ultimately wins the power play in the scene (albeit in response to his power/position with Lindsey being threatened), I wonder if Trent should already be waiting for Robert in the VIP room when the scene begins. That way you could use Angie as a way to deflate Robert’s smooth gregarious strategies, thereby brining in his self esteem issue.
Once he and Trent are together, the challenge is drawing out the conspiratorial/needy qualities in Trent, because now he seems to be in control. But perhaps if there was a way to somehow have Trent seem to want to bring Lindsey down as well — invite Robert to help. Basically set up a trap. This would give you a surprise reveal, and would also help to show Trent’s personality change before and after the reveal.
Hope this helps.
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Robert and Trent – 2nd Draft
FADE IN
EXT. POOLSIDE – NIGHT
INSERT: Cell Phone Screen
Cell phone video footage racks focus on the High School Super Bowl Champs banner that stretches above an in-ground pool.
Music THUMPS. The picture zooms out: a raucous teen party is in full swing. In the frame couples dance, and make out, and drink.
The phone whip pans and ROBERT’S (17) face fills the screen. He has the detached quality of Timothy Chalamet, but he’s not nearly as pretty.
ROBERT
Sup! Coming to you live from the celebration. As you can see — we’re having a good time. I’m on the hunt for party planner extraordinaire and my main man…
… and suddenly Robert’s cool detachment dissolve as he yells at the top of his lungs…
ROBERT
Treeeennnnnttttt!
BACK TO SCENE
Everyone in earshot responds…
PARTY GOERS
Treeeennnnnttttt!
And the party resumes at an even more heightened level.
DING. A text message arrives.
INSERT: Text message from Trent which reads: “Get the fuck up here.”
BACK TO SCENE
Robert smiles and makes his way through the crowd and into the
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
KITCHEN
where he slides on the periphery, a friendly voyeur hiding behind his camera — laughing with anyone, eveyone for a few seconds before moving on.
He passes out of the kitchen into a darkened hall. The smile fades. He leans agains the wall. His breathing is rapid. He runs his fingers nervously through his hair.
DING. He checks the text and moves up the
STAIRS
back to his public persona as he speaks into the camera.
ROBERT
Very mysterious, this disappearance by our man of the hour.
As he reaches the second floor, Robert raises his eyebrows suggestively.
ROBERT
What could he be up to? Let’s check the bedroom, shall we?
He makes his way down the hall and pushes open the door. TRENT (17), high school quarterback, stands in a darkened room at a window that overlooks the pool. He’s rolling a small ball between his fingers — a magician’s trick.
TRENT
What the fuck took you so long?
ROBERT
Aw. I missed you too babe.
TRENT
I told you to knock it off with…
… then off Robert’s cell phone…
TRENT
Is that on?
ROBERT
Always.
Trent barrels forward and swats at the phone, it flies across the room and hits the wall before crashing to the floor.
TRENT
What the hell’s the matter with you?
Robert stays cool and easy. In his most reassuring tone…
ROBERT
No worries. I was just trying to help.
TRENT
By getting me arrested?
ROBERT
Nah. By getting you an alibi.
We come out as a couple and I’ll swear we were together all night.
Robert smiles flirtatiously.
TRENT
You say anything like that again and I swear I’ll put you through that wall.
ROBERT
Okay, okay — can’t blame a boy for trying. But it’s cool; I get it; you just need a friend. I can do friends.
Trent resumes his magic ball practice, rolling the ball between his fingers.
TRENT
What I need is someone who follows directions. Who doesn’t fuck up left and right. And who knows enough not to film something that could land us both in jail.
ROBERT
I wasn’t the one who was driving.
TRENT
Shut up. Just (beat) shut up.
ROBERT
For someone who needs my help moving a dead girl’s body, you should be a little nicer to me.
Trent glares, but is calmer.
TRENT
Did you do like I told you? Exactly like I told you.
ROBERT
Yeah, man. It’s all set. He’ll be… yup, see, there he is now.
Someone wearing Trent’s football jersey and helmet climbs onto the garage roof. He screams “CHAMPS.” The Party Goers go wild at the sight of him.
ROBERT
See! Right out of Central Casting.
TRENT
What if someone tries to get close to him.
ROBERT
He’s a starving actor. Trust me, the 1500 bucks you promised him is motivation to put on a good show but stay far enough away that no one will suspect anything. Brilliant, plan by the way. Though, I still think my plan was pretty good too.
TRENT
There’s a dozen girls down there that would dispute your plan.
Trent makes the magic ball disappear, then seemingly pulls it from Robert’s ear.
TRENT
Misdirection. Make them think they all saw me here, and I can be anywhere.
They watch as fake Trent jumps from the garage roof to a nearby tree branch.
ROBERT
Did I mention he has Parkour experience.
TRENT
Your sure he’ll stay quiet?
ROBERT
Yeah, of course. I mean, I’ve got video and you’ve got the money, right?
Trent is silent.
ROBERT
Right?!
TRENT
Yeah, I mean I will as soon as my mom get’s back.
ROBERT
Your mom’s in Italy!
Trent grabs Robert by the throat pushes him up against the wall.
TRENT
I’ll get it!!!
Robert struggles to breath through the stranglehold.
TRENT
I can just as easily bury two bodies tonight.
Trent punches Robert in the gut for emphasis, but backs off. Robert catches his breath, and his composure. He smiles.
ROBERT
I love it when you take charge.
TRENT
Time to go.
They exit the room quietly and turn down the hall in the opposite direction of the party. The door closes. A dim light issues from something on the floor by the wall. It’s the cell phone.
The door opens again.
ROBERT
(whispering)
My phone, I need to get it.
Robert crosses the room and picks up the phone.
INSERT: cell phone screen
It’s still recording.
BACK TO SCENE
Robert smiles.
He heads back out, closing the door behind.
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FADE IN
EXT. POOLSIDE – NIGHT
INSERT: Cell Phone Screen
Cell phone video footage racks focus on the High School Super Bowl Champs banner that stretches above an in-ground pool.
Music THUMPS. The picture zooms out: a raucous teen party is in full swing.
In the frame couples dance, or make out, or drink.
The phone whip pans and ROBERT’S (17) face fills the screen. He has the detached quality of Timothy Chalamet, but he’s not nearly as pretty.
ROBERT
Sup! Coming to you live from the celebration. As you can see — we’re having a good time. I’m on the hunt for my man…
… Robert yells
ROBERT
Treeeennnnnttttt!
BACK TO SCENE
Everyone in earshot responds…
PARTY GOERS
Treeeennnnnttttt!
And the party resumes at an even more heightened level. Robert makes his way through the crowd and into the
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
KITCHEN
where he moves on the periphery, a voyeur — not really a part of the celebration.
Now he’s moving up the
STAIRS
ROBERT
Very mysterious, this disappearance by our man of the hour.
As he reaches the second floor, Robert raises his eyebrows suggestively.
ROBERT
What could he be up to? Let’s check the bedroom, shall we?
He makes his way down the hall and pushes open the door. TRENT (17), high school quarterback, stands in a darkened room at a window that overlooks the pool.
TRENT
What the fuck took you so long?
ROBERT
Aw. I missed you too babe.
Trent, off Robert’s cell phone…
TRENT
Is that on?
Trent swats at the phone, it flies across the room and hits the wall before crashing to the floor.
TRENT
What the hell’s the matter with you?
Robert stays cool and easy. In his most reassuring tone…
ROBERT
No worries. I was just trying to help.
TRENT
By getting me arrested?
ROBERT
Nah. By getting you an alibi.
We come out as a couple and I’ll swear we were together all night.
Robert smiles flirtatiously.
TRENT
You say anything like that again and I swear I’ll put you through that wall.
ROBERT
Okay, okay — can’t blame a boy for trying. But it’s cool; I get it; you just need a friend. I can do friends.
TRENT
What I need is someone who follows directions. Who doesn’t fuck up left and right. And who knows enough not to film something that could land us both in jail.
ROBERT
I wasn’t the one who was driving.
TRENT
Shut up.
ROBERT
For someone who needs my help moving a dead girl’s body, you should be a little nicer to me.
Trent glares, but is calmer.
TRENT
Did you do what I told you?
ROBERT
Yeah, man. It’s all set. Look, there he is now.
Someone wearing Trent’s football jersey and helmet climbs onto the garage roof. He screams CHAMPS. The Party Goers go wild at the sight of him.
ROBERT
See! Right out of Central Casting.
TRENT
What if someone tries to get close to him.
ROBERT
He’s a starving actor. Trust me, the 1500 bucks you promised him is motivation to put on a good show but stay far enough away that no one will suspect anything.
They watch as fake Trent jumps from the garage roof to a nearby tree branch. Looks like he has some Parkour experience. He’s putting on a great show for the crowd.
ROBERT
You got the money, right?
Trent is silent.
ROBERT
Right?!
TRENT
Yeah, I mean I will as soon as my mom get’s back.
ROBERT
Your mom’s in Italy!
Trent grabs Robert by the throat pushes him up against the wall.
TRENT
I’ll get it!!!
Robert struggles to breath through the stranglehold.
ROBERT
I love it when you take charge.
Trent lets go and back away.
TRENT
Let’s go.
They exit the room quietly and turn down the hall in the opposite direction of the party.
The door closes. A dim light issues from something on the floor by the wall. It’s the cell phone.
INSERT: cell phone screen
It’s still recording.
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Andrea Profiles of People
Because of Covid and distance, these profiles are based on a deep memory dive — but can’t be tested in timely interactions for the purpose of this exercise. But I see the value of this process and it will inform my thinking moving forward.
I also found that my sense that I had zeroed in on the correct core traits was confirmed by being able to see the interaction of those traits in my experiences with people: for example, how loneliness led to insecurity, or social and disloyal could be connected.
Person 1
Curious
Compulsive
Lonely
Insecure
Person 2
Social (fun and climber)
Disciplined
Focused
Disloyal
Person 3
Connector
Learning Mindset
Sensitive
Intrusive
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Andrea — Putting Essence to Work
What I learned is…look at the scenes in isolation in order to see them clearly.
Script I choose: Andrea’s untitled screenplay
Scene 1 Location: Professor on the Quad – Act 1
Logline: The bad guy from last night turns out to be a respected member of the community.
Essence I’ve discovered: His anger is a result of a blow to his pride: a professional humiliation.
New Logline: A scientist thinks he’s made his greatest discovery, yet the people who pull the strings think he’s nuts.Scene 2 Location: Middle Act 1
Logline: A professor meets extremists interested in his research.
Essence I’ve discovered: The extremists play into his insecurities and needs.
New Logline: A scientist on the fringe connects with people who want to keep him there.Scene 3 Location: Act 2 early
Logline: The scientist needs someone on the inside.
Essence I’ve discovered: He is known in the community—he needs a foil that won’t be connected to him.
New Logline: The bad guy’s got a plan but he can’t set it into motion without risking discovery and ruin, so he sends in a foil.Scene 4 Location: Act 2 midway
Logline: The bad guy wants a new test subject, and selects an unsuspecting member of his crew.
Essence I’ve discovered: The bad guy has suspicions about the crew member.New Logline: The bad guy has suspicions about the crew member and takes steps to ensure his loyalty.
Scene 5 Location: Act 3 beginning
Logline: The bad guy has taken hostages in an effort to get his hands on what he wants.
Essence I’ve discovered: His hostage is a colleague who has questioned his research.
New Logline: A scientist think he’s about to prove to the world the value of his discoveries, but a colleague thinks he’s nuts. -
Andrea / Finds the Essence
Learned: Essence and structure are connected.
Ted Lasso – Pilot
5 Deep Meaning Scenes
1
Scene Location: Scene 3
Scene Logline: the series set -up: A dancing man, who knows nothing about soccer is going to England to coach soccer in a premiere league.
Essence: He may not know soccer, but he knows what’s really important.
2
Scene Location: Scene 17… Press Conference
Scene Logline: Send the lamb to the lions—Ted is completely vulnerable, yet still manages to remain positive in the face of everyone’s doubt and disbelief.
Essence: The fish out of water scene
3
Scene Location: Scene 22 – Post Press Conference
Scene Logline: Rebecca reveals that she’s setting up Ted and the team for failure to get back at her ex Rupert
Essence: Rebecca and Ted are in a similar place (though we don’t yet know about Ted’s marriage), but have completely different mindsets. We know Ted has an ally in Coach Beard. Now we know he has an enemy (frenemy) in Rebecca.
4
Scene Location: Scene 24/25
Scene Logline: Ted and Coach Beard get set up in their new office and push their desks together, even as more enemies (ROY) and allies (Nate / Keely) appear.
Essence: Ted’s “Believe” sign makes its first appearance, and signals Ted’s greatest superpower.
5
Scene Location: End of Pilot Monologue
Scene Logline: As Ted talks to his son and wife, his happy veneer begins to show cracks.
Essence: Ted is a man with a big heart, determined to see the world in a positive light, even as his own heart is breaking.
MOST PROFOUND
#5 : Ted’s monologue
[Note: the script is available publicly but has a clear © symbol, so I feel uncomfortable posting here. But for those who want download for themselves — you’ll find the scene at the very end.]
Essence: Ted is a man with a big heart, determined to see the world in a positive light, even as his own heart is breaking.
Why: Because we already love Ted for his humor, his goofiness, and his goodness, but now we see that he has given us joy while he has been hurting deeply.
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Hi,
I’m Andrea. I’ve written about a 1/2 dozen scripts. I hope to come away with a reliable and easily repeatable system of editing for improvement.
Unusual thing: I teach the Feldenkrais Method.
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Andrea Higgins
I agree to the terms of the release.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Member
November 15, 2021 at 7:54 am
Edward Gadrix and I agree.
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Member
November 15, 2021 at 2:53 pm
Patrick Malone. I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Andrea Higgins.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
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Andrea’s Query – Draft 1
What I learned–a half page constraint really makes you cut to the chase.
Dear ________
A ruthless scientist and extremist wants to get his hands on a baby sea dragon; the only problem…an eleven year old boy just escaped with it.
DANIEL AND THE SEA DRAGON is a family feature that brings the classic struggle of David vs. Goliath to the present day. This battle of good and evil pits a young awkward boy against a seemingly more powerful enemy: a ruthless scientist and extremist.
Why would an extremist want a sea dragon? Because embedded in the sea dragon’s DNA is a genetic marker that is the key to his greatest scientific discovery: a serum that will alter the human capacity to feel love.
But it turns out…the boy has a trick or two up his sleeve.
DANIEL AND THE SEA DRAGON
Family / Action / 113 pages
The one-sheet is available upon request. Thank you.
Sincerely,
…
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Andrea Higgins – High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned: A way to re-frame my thinking about marketability.
1.
Lead Character’s Journey: From the kid who can’t do anything right to hero.
2.
Most compelling approach is:
What’s at Stake?: The kid’s friends and family are threatened, and by extension so is a worldview based on family, friendship, and love.
3.
High Concept Elevator Pitch:
“What are you working on?”
I’ve just completed a family friendly action adventure feature—let me ask you: If a ruthless scientist and extremist group had taken your family and friends hostage, in an attempt to get their hands on your beloved pet sea dragon, what would you do to save them—if you were just an ordinary and slightly awkward kid?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Andrea Higgins.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Andrea Higgins – Producer/Manager
1. Presenting myself and project to the producer:
DANIEL AND THE SEA DRAGON is a family friendly action adventure that features a great and diverse set of characters, which will appeal to named actors. It has the timeless appeal of past blockbusters like E.T. Like E. T.’s Elliot, this story also features a child hero, but the back stories hinted at with respect to the adult characters are more contemporary and offer rich world building potential.
2. Presenting myself and project to the manager:
DANIEL AND THE SEA DRAGON will, I hope, be the first step in an ongoing collaboration with you that will strive toward artistic excellence, and draw exciting talent to this and future projects. It bears the hallmark of my greatest interests and strengths as a writer: Family friendly projects with a supernatural or fantasy twist. Stories that feature young protagonists, but which also value multigenerational families and deep and abiding friendship. And strong visual storytelling that finds magic in the familiar.
3. What I learned:
To keep the audience in mind.
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Andrea Higgins – Marketable Components
What I learned doing this assignment:
Use the 10 components as a guide, but stress the one(s) that your project hits out of the park.
1. Logline
A young boy who befriends a rare baby Sea Dragon must outrun and outwit a rogue scientist, intent on using the dragon’s DNA to create a biological weapon that will destroy the human capacity to love.
2. 10 Component Examples
✅Wide audience appeal:
While there are some scary moments and thrills, like E.T. this is a story about a young protagonist on a hero’s journey. It will appeal to young and old alike.
✅Similarity to box-office success:
The story has been likened to E.T. and FREE WILLY by early readers.
E.T.: Budget $10,500,000 / Gross: $792,910,554
FREE WILLY: Budget 20,000,000 / Gross: $153,698,625
✅Great roles for bankable actors:
There are strong roles for kids, adults, and seniors alike in this story.
-Two great kids roles (boy and girl).
-Four great supporting roles for actors age 50+ (2 male, 2 female), which are central to both the story and the action.
-A great leading man/undercover FBI agent type (30s – 40s)
-6 supporting roles that, though smaller, make strong character impact.
✅Great title: DANIEL AND THE SEA DRAGON
I think it is clear. You have the sense from this title that it will be a kid & family friendly film, and also have a fantasy (live action hybrid) element.
✅Unique/Timely:
While the struggles of the protagonist may be similar to stories we have seen, there is a bio-espionage and extremist undercurrent to the story line that makes it relevant to today. This story line also opens the possibility for sequels/world building that focus on the backstories of some of the adult characters.
3. Pitch Concept:
At a time of unrest in much of the world, there is a collective need for stories that remind us of goodness, family values, love, and friendship. In this family friendly tale of an awkward young boy who befriends a baby sea dragon, we find the makings of the hero we all hope to be, when that which we love most in the world is threatened. Like Eliot in E.T., Daniel will risk everything to reunite the baby sea dragon with its mother, thereby preventing a rogue scientist from destroying the creature, and perhaps life as we know it.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Andrea Higgins.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Andrea Higgins.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Hi. I’m Andrea Higgins. What a nice group we have.
I’m a writer and an actor — and I wrapped filming on my first short project as a director about two weeks before the pandemic hit. Hope to do more directing in the future. I’ve got three pretty polished projects (2 features and a pilot) and several other projects in various draft stages.
I hope to get a clear sense of the best next steps to take—and to develop the business savvy to take those steps with confidence and a modicum of style.
My unusual thing: I teach the Feldenkrais Method of somatic movement. Unusual only in the sense that most people have never heard of it and don’t know how to pronounce it. But I’ve helped a lot of people over the years, so I’m proud of that. It’s a gentle movement method that helps people relax and move with greater comfort.
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Andrea Higgins – DANIEL AND THE SEA DRAGON – Target 1: Managers
1
Genre: Family Action Adventure
Title: DANIEL AND THE SEA DRAGON
Concept: The story asks what it means to be a superhero when you’re just an ordinary kid.
2
Most Attractive…
though the project, which features a child protagonist, will have great appeal to kids, the action sequences offer the undercurrent of a thriller that will have crossover appeal for adult audiences. The story also features great roles for adult actors, including an action leading man type, a mad scientist, an inventor/grandfather, and two older female actors, which all have the potential to draw names.
3
First Target: Managers
Why: Because I want to build a creative team for this and future projects that I want to write and make.
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What I learned today: Think about what’s attractive to your target.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Andrea Higgins.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Andrea Higgins
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Andrea Higgins.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Hi Patrick…your fellow classmate, Andrea, here. I posted the feedback for this assignment under Day 7. The forum/lesson connection feels a bit confusing, so I’m not sure if I put it in the right place. But it is there if you are interested. Best, Andrea
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Hi Thomas,
So glad if my comments were of help to you.
I really appreciate your encouragement and suggestions. I think I agree and will implement a couple of tweaks.
Regarding reading: I’m doing some revisions right now in the script, but happy for feedback when that’s all done. And thanks again. It’s so nice to know that I’ve got a query that seems to be working.
Best,
Andrea
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Thanks so much for your feedback, Cara. It’s helpful to hear a mother’s perspective! I’m glad that you liked idea about the serum and love—I think stories about love resonate powerfully with kids (and moms too).
It’s geared toward middle school and up. There are a few scary moments, but as in fairy tales, these moments trigger growth for the protagonist, which in turn allows a child to process their own feelings through the protagonist. People who have read early drafts liken it to ET in tone. I hope by the time I get to the final draft, it will have the same kind of 4 Quadrant appeal.
I’ll take another look at the wording of “scientist and extremist,” and Phyllis also mentioned taking out “young,” so that’s a done deal.
Why did I capitalize the title? I’ve seen other writers further along in the industry than I do this quite often. (And I rather like it, for I think it makes the title pop.) But it would be nice to confirm if this really is standard industry practice.
I wasn’t particularly intending to deviate from the suggested format. I was just trying to focus on the hook creating momentum that would carry the reader into the letter. I thought it flowed better, but I realize here on the forum it does look weird. In my word processing document, the project information at the bottom (title, genre, etc) was formatted to set it apart, not to look like a continuation of the body of the letter. Anyway, these things are easy to change, as long as the hook and description leaves them wanting more.
Regarding the one page, I have been told that offering a one page can be a useful strategy. Especially if you do not have a referral from someone in the industry. But yes, it would be great to get an immediate request for the script. Fingers crossed.
Thanks so much again! I will give all your comments much thought as I move forward. And again…I wish you much success with your screenplay! It sounds like a gem.
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I really love this, Thomas. I have just two suggestions:
1. When fate hands you a second chance, can you step up?
2. In the Bio, I think you should just say “I” rather than referring to yourself in the 3rd person.
I think you are going to see a lot of interest with this. At least I hope so–I’d watch this movie!
Best,
Andrea
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Hi Phyllis…I am a little behind and you got your second draft up before I could comment on the first. I think it’s improved, but I’ve made a few suggested tweaks below. Hope it helps:
Dear Producer,
The journeys we take and the friends we make define who we are.
CREATING ZINI, a Nicholl Fellowship finalist, is a character-driven drama written with Sally Field and Alfre Woodard in mind. It tells the story of an American playwright and a South African producer as they workshop a Broadway musical in Africa, and search for a child to play the title character, “Zinzi.”.
Socially relevant themes — racism, sexism, ageism, and the value of arts education — are woven throughout the story as the pair collaborate with indigenous artists, and navigate clashing cultures and real-life perils to ensure the authenticity of the shows music, song, and dance. This leads to a cultural and spiritual awaking as the women come to the shocking realization that Ancestor Spirits wield a hand in their musical’s fate.
The novel (on which the screenplay is based) was a finalist for William Wisdom; the musical has received the Kaufman Award. I’m a produced playwright and a member of The Broadway League, and recently returned from shooting the proof-of-concept in South Africa.
If the concept has captured your imagination, I’d be happy to send you the screenplay. [If you have a trailer for the film, perhaps also offer to send a link.]
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Thanks so much Phyllis. You’re right about cutting those two things. And thanks for your kind words on comments to others. I have admired your feedback as well.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Andrea Higgins.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by
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Hi Guil,
I am a little behind in the assignments so just came upon your Query 2. Here are a few thoughts—hope they help, and only take them to heart if they do.
1
I’m trying to get a handle on the tone here. This may be completely off-point, but I found myself thinking about the SNATCHING SINATRA podcast. I won’t try to explain that plot now, except to say that that story could almost be a dark comedy of errors if it wasn’t real. The somewhat convoluted nature of your character’s logic and actions remind me of the logic of the guy the podcast is about.
2
If you want to keep the logline close to what it is, I’d recommend tweaking it so you have parallel construction throughout—as in take out the “with” or give everyone a “with.”
But it almost seems like the logline is a general statement about generic types, rather than the specific characters we’ll meet in your story. This is just a quick example that came to mind:
With their dreams of conquering Hollywood crumbling, a filmmaking team devolves into a string of bad choices that leads to the death of one at the hands of the other(s).
This might better relate to the hook, which I’m guessing might lie embedded in how they are going to evade the law?
I wish you well with your project! Best, Andrea
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Hi Thomas: Here are a few thoughts…
1
Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the
story?
The “Rocky of Hockey” line is pretty terrific. But I think it might be more powerful to get your protagonist into the hook…something like…
His goal: win NHL Stanley Cup. His job: Grocery Clerk.
I immediately thought of the the film INVINCIBLE, with Mark Wahlberg, though if memory serves that was based on a true story.
2
Were there any parts that confused you?
[FYI: I am giving you my thoughts based on notes/questions that I jotted as I did the first read through of your letter—so you might have a better sense of what your target market’s first impressions might be…though I am trying to also offer clarification simultaneously based on repeated reads]
-The sports goal alone is great and likely to interest readers immediately, but when you introduce “protect” his daughter, it sounds like she’s been threatened— and if he does’t win (or throw) the game something bad will happen to her.
Reading further, it becomes clear that that the issue is the grandmother (who presumably loves the girl). Then further on, when I read: “an arrest” and “near death for Grace”, I start to think, did he cause the accident that killed his wife?
It also becomes clear that he had it all at one point, lost it, and is trying to claw his way back.
So the question becomes, what does saving his daughter mean? Is she better off with him in her life or without him? It sounds like a happy ending—so I’m guessing with. But I think you might need to somehow establish that winning at hockey is a metaphor for the inner transformation he needs to undergo to reclaim his daughter and heal their broken family.
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Just a thought: I might not mention Jerry Bruckheimer unless you know him well enough to know for a fact that he would take your call. The name pops but the question becomes: so why isn’t Jerry making it…
Hope this helps…Best, Andrea
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1
Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story?
Hi Cara…The concern I have about your hook is that it is asking a general question about poetry vs. the actions of your protagonist. Maybe if you said something like: When he fell in love, he got good; when she broke his heart, he got great; but when Rilke (something something with someone), his poetry achieved the kind of immortality that landed the following stanza on Lady Gaga’s behind. [quote stanza]
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Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
Most people would likely know that Rilke is an important poet, but perhaps if you were to find an anecdote to humanize him, it would make him intriguing beyond his poetry. The scenario described with his lover feels sort of abstract, and like something that you might find in another story (or maybe many) stories. He wrote Letters to a Young Poet, if I remember correctly. Is there maybe some advice in there that he doesn’t follow himself?
3
Does it end with a hook (impossible goal or emotional dilemma) that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
I think as it’s written now, the end doesn’t have a lot of built in tension because he obviously did find his poetic frame. Does your script detail any cliff hanger moment in his life—one where it could have gone the other way?
I think your story sounds like an idea that has great potential—like how Shakespeare in Love brought the man and his work alive for many who likely knew very little about Shakespeare. I wish you much success with it. And please only take these suggestions to heart if they speak to you. Best, Andrea
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Hi Stephanie,
Thanks so much for your reply and your interest. Feldenkrais is a really wonderful method that offers a whole host of benefits. Many of the lessons are very relaxing, and often bring about greater ease and comfort with respect to movement. If you’d like more info, you can check out my website here: http://www.KinEdge.com. And thanks again!
Best, Andrea