Tim Adeney
Forum Replies Created
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LOGLINE: Philip lies to the cops about Brandy’s whereabouts the night before.
ESSENCE: Philip’s entitlement gets him into trouble.
SCENE:
EXT. COVERED CAR PARK – DAY
Brandy and Philip hurry toward a car.
Suddenly, flashing lights – read and blue; cops at both ends of the car park.
COP
Stop! Remain where you are.
Brandy and Philip freeze, caught like rabbits in headlights.
BRANDY
Oh shit…
COP
Put your hands in the air.
As they obey, raising their hands.
BRANDY
… I told you, Phil, they’re going to pin it on me.
PHILIP
But you were at home.
BRANDY
(desperate)
I can’t prove it. Don’t you get that?
PHILIP
Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll say you were with me last night.
A Detective and accomplice approaches. The pair are still covered.
PHILIP
I’ll handle this. Just go along with it.
(to the cop)
Hello Officer, what can we do for you?
COP
Mr Trudeau?
PHILIP
Correct.
COP
And Ms Carsons.
PHILIP
Correct again, Sir. What is this about?
COP
Please turn around, keep your hands up. We need to check for weapons.
PHILIP
I can assure you, we are unarmed.
COP
Please, turn around.
PHILIP
Of course.
They turn. The accomplice quickly pats them down.
ACCOMPLCE
Clear.
COP
You may relax your arms.
PHILIP
Thank you.
COP
Ms Carsons. Where were you last night between the hours of 8 and 10?
Brandy looks at Philip. He smiles.
PHILIP
She was with me.
COP
Not at your boyfriend’s?
PHILIP
That depends which boyfriend you mean, Officer.
COP
You have more than one?
PHILIP
Brandy spent the night with me last night.
COP
In that case, Mr Trudeau, you’re under arrest. Anything you say or do may be used against you in a court of law.
PHILIP
Surely you’re mistaken, Officer. You can’t arrest me for the murder. I was with Brandy last night…
COP
For the murder? Of her other boyfriend?
PHILIP
I have my rights.
COP
I’m arresting you for obstruction of justice. We know exactly where Ms Carsons was last night. She was not with you.
Philip swings on Brandy.
BRANDY
You said you would handle it, Philip. I didn’t want to steal your thunder. I didn’t know what you were going to say.
The cops pull Philip’s hands behind his back, cuff him.
COP
Thank you for the tip off, Ms Carsons.
For a moment, Brandy’s facade drops.
Philip stares at her.
PHILIP
Tip off?
COP
Come along Mr Trudeau.
PHILIP
Oh, this is good. Well played, Brandy.
Philip is taken away.
PHILIP
This is not over, Ms Carsons. Be assured, I’ll be back.
BRANDY
(calling after him)
I’m sure you will, Philip. I’ll be waiting.
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LOGLINE: Marcus tries to persuade/con Carley to audition with him for the musical.
ESSENCE: Marcus reveals his true feelings for Carley.
SCENE:
INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR – DAY
Busy. Noise. Kids moving between classes.
MARCUS [16], dressed in his own style – just a little quirky – leans against the wall, half hidden by lockers, watching a group of girls coming along the corridor.
His focus is one in particular: CARLEY [16], wanna-be cool girl.
As the girls pass, Marcus steps out behind them, maneuvering himself next to Carley.
MARCUS
Carley…
She hesitates; thinks better of it and keeps moving.
Marcus is in step with her now.
MARCUS
I’m sorry.
(off her look)
Can you forgive me?
CARLEY
For what?
MARCUS
I can just see you doing it.
CARLEY
Doing what?
MARCUS
I think you’re perfect for it.
Carley stops walking. She gives him the look.
MARCUS
Forgive me first.
CARLEY
Oh my… Okay, I forgive you. What ‘terrible’ thing have you done?
MARCUS
I knew you would. I can’t wait…
Marcus turns on his heel.
Carley leaps after him, grabbing an arm and twisting it sharply up behind his back, getting a few looks from passing kids.
MARCUS
Ow, okay, settle. Let me go.
CARLEY
Just please tell me what you’ve done.
MARCUS
Let me go first.
Carley pushes his arm higher.
MARCUS
Ow!
Drawing more looks from passing kids.
Marcus comes face to face with JACKSON, a plump boy with combed and jelled hair
JACKSON
Unruly behavior is not allowed in the corridors.
MARCUS
Oh I’m sorry Jackson. Get lost.
CARLEY
Please.
Jackson sticks his nose in the air and makes off, but he glances back as he goes, a rare smile forming.
MARCUS
Let me go Carley. You owe me remember?
Carley releases her grip.
CARLEY
Are you going to tell me what I forgave you for?
Marcus massages his shoulder. He’s enjoying this.
MARCUS
I signed you up to audition for the musical.
CARLEY
No.
MARCUS
Oh yes…
She’s in his face.
CARLEY
No!
And she’s striding away down the corridor, a corridor that happens to be thinning out as kids move into their next classes.
Marcus is right there with her, at her shoulder.
MARCUS
Oh yes, miss stuck-up…
CARLEY
I’m sorry, I no longer forgive you.
MARCUS
…I helped you with that presentation, now you help me with the audition.
CARLEY
I hate being put on the spot.
MARCUS
Don’t you care that we had a deal?
Carley stops, trying to figure her way out of this.
CARLEY
Do you have a crush on Janice?
MARCUS
What?
CARLEY
Please. Answer the question.
MARCUS
Hmm, Janice, brunette, big brown eyes, nice body… hmmm…
CARLEY
I guess that answers the question.
The corridors are empty now – just the two of them left.
MARCUS
No.
CARLEY
Oh. So, who is it then?
MARCUS
You still have to do the audition.
CARLEY
Do you want to embarrass me?
MARCUS
I can see you doing it.
CARLEY
Tell me who your crush is and I’ll get her to do it with you.
MARCUS
Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d mind this much. If we just work on the song together, hey, it may turn out better than you think.
CARLEY
Marcus, please, I’ll be awful. Let me help you. Who would you really like to be with?
Marcus studies the corridor floor.
MARCUS
You don’t have to do it.
CARLEY
I said I’d help. Who is she?
Marcus’ eyes flick up at her, then back down to the floor.
CARLEY
I can’t help you if you won’t tell me.
MARCUS
If I tell you, you promise you’ll get her to do it with me?
CARLEY
I can’t promise, but I’ll do my best.
Marcus ponders this.
MARCUS
Okay… I’m looking at her.
Carley gasps.
CARLEY
Me?
MARCUS
I’m sorry.
CARLEY
No, please, don’t be. I mean… oh my… why’ve you been so hard on me?
MARCUS
(shrugs, then)
I was avoiding the truth, okay?
Now Carley’s studying the floor.
MARCUS
What if… What if we just try the song together? Forget the audition.
CARLEY
Just you and me?
Their eyes meet.
MARCUS
Just you and me.
CARLEY
Are you sure you don’t like Janice?
Marcus steps in close.
Carley holds his gaze.
He’s in command again. He bends forward kissing her gently.
PRINCIPAL
So! Very late to class.
Marcus and Carley pull apart, embarrassed, glancing at the Principal.
MARCUS
I’m so sorry, Ma’am.
Carley heads to her class.
PRINCIPAL
Not so fast, Mansfield.
Carley stops.
PRINCIPAL
There’ll be no kissing in detention on Saturday. Both of you.
Marcus sees Jackson further down the corridor, smirking. Marcus doesn’t take his eyes off him.
MARCUS
Yes, Ma’am. We’ll put the time to very good use, Ma’am.
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Title: Andrew’s Character Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment was that a change to one trait, or simply heightening a trait to something stronger, can drive greater depth and drama in the dialogue.
Annie: compassionate, guilt-ridden, <s>stubborn</s>, impulsive, driven
Lewis: kind, <s>non-confrontational</s>, <s>possessive</s>, principled, ambitious, avoider
Tiwonge: resentful, controller, courageous, charming
Annie/Lewis
Annie’s
compassion and Lewis’ kindness has these two caring for abandoned orphans:
rapport
Annie’s impulsive and stubborn, and
Lewis’ principled and non-confrontational traits has Annie wanting to do
things while Lewis is concerned about the rules and the status quo; this
will cause some conflict and subtext for Lewis.
Annie’s guilt and Lewis’ principled
kindness results in contrast to how they respond to certain situations;
in others it evokes Lewis’ sympathy for her.
Annie’s impulsive and Lewis’
possessive [control] traits lead to competition.
Annie’s guilt and Lewis’ non-confrontational
[avoidance?] traits lead to subtext happening in how she reacts.
Annie’s stubborn trait puts Lewis
under pressure, challenging his avoidance trait: conflictTRAIT CHANGE EMERGING:
Annie: driven instead of stubborn
Lewis: avoider instead of non-confrontational; and ‘possessive’ is not giving much… how about jealous, insecure, ambitious… ambitious instead of possessive
So, following changes lead to greater drama:
Annie’s impulsive and driven, and Lewis’ <s>possessive [control]</s> ambition lead to competition
Annie’s <s>stubborn</s> driven trait puts Lewis under pressure, challenging his avoidance trait: conflict
Annie/Tiwonge
Annie’s
driven and Tiwonge’s resentfulness, courageous and controller trait equals
conflict and competition
Annie’s compassion is in contrast
with Tiwonge’s resentfulness and controller.
Annie’s guilt leads to subtext
when dealing with Tiwonge’s controller trait
Tiwonge’s charm and courage may
find rapport when they have the same cause. Annie’s compassion
gives her some sympathy for Tiwonge = some rapport.
Annie’s impulsive nature comes
into competition with Tiwonge’s controller.No change to Tiwonge – the traits provide enough strong drama.
[Only three main characters]
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LOGLINE: Two teenagers tussle over a crush as they do homework.
ESSENCE: Renee exposes her true feelings.
TRAIT
YOU CHANGED: Renee: Prissy to <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ambitious.INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY
NATHAN [14], a teenager trying to be cool, pretends to concentrate on his laptop, but his eyes are on two girls across the room.
MAXINE, an elegant young woman [13] with trendy earrings, necklace and rings on her fingers, sits at distant work table with her laptop open. Alongside her, also on her laptop, is RENEE [13], minimal jewelry, but neatly presented.
Maxine’s eyes flick from laptop to Nathan and back to the laptop.
MAXINE
(through her teeth)
He’s looking again.
RENEE
‘The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’ – how’s that for an opening quote?
MAXINE
Do you think he knows?
RENEE
Have you told anyone else?
MAXINE
No. Only you.
RENEE
Then he can’t know, can he?
MAXINE
He keeps looking at me in a funny way.
Renee looks from her research to Nathan.
RENEE
I’ll ask him for you.
MAXINE
What?
RENEE
I’ll just ask why he keeps looking at you.
MAXINE
(unsure)
Oh, no, I don’t know, Renee, that could…
RENEE
You think he knows something, right?
MAXINE
I guess.
RENEE
So, if you want to find something out, you ask.
MAXINE
Asking would be so un-cool.
RENEE
Okay then.
(goes back to her work)
What do you think of the quote as an opening for the speech?
MAXINE
Good.
RENEE
Because I really want to get the top mark for this.
MAXINE
Maybe I should send him an anonymous card or something, to see how he reacts.
RENEE
Maybe… have you decided on a topic yet? This speech is due by Thursday.
MAXINE
I’m still thinking about it.
RENEE
Thinking about Nathan more like it. How you and he are going to make out… oh Nathan, oh…
MAXINE
Ssh!
RENEE
No-one’s listening. Why don’t you speak about drug addiction or homelessness?
MAXINE
Urgh. No thanks.
RENEE
I know. ‘Teenage love’.
On Maxine’s look.
RENEE
If you pick something the teacher cares about you get a better mark.
MAXINE
I want to figure out how best to test him before I let on that I like him.
RENEE
‘Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it’. Hmmm.
Maxine types on her laptop. She glances to make sure Renee is not looking.
MAXINE
Do you think someone overheard us in the bathroom and told him?
RENEE
Why are you so paranoid?
MAXINE
I just don’t want what happened last time.
RENEE
Last time what?
MAXINE
When the whole school was talking about my crush.
Renee hides a smile.
RENEE
What about this quote: ‘a lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes’. Mark Twain.
MAXINE
And never the twain shall meet.
RENEE
Huh?
MAXINE
It’s a play on words… you know… twain… never mind.
RENEE
You know what, I just need to tell you.
MAXINE
What?
RENEE
Jack told Megan, and she told me.
MAXINE
What!?
RENEE
About Nathan.
MAXINE
So tell me already.
RENEE
You sure you want to know?
MAXINE
Oh my days, are you going to tell me or not?
RENEE
She said he doesn’t like you; he likes me.
Maxine stares at her.
MAXINE
Why would he even say that if he doesn’t know I like him?
RENEE
Maybe I will start with the first quote…
MAXINE
You did tell!
RENEE
‘The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’.
NATHAN
Hi Maxine. Renee.
The girls turn in surprise.
NATHAN
I thought I should say that you’re a nice person and all, but I’m not into you, so…
RENEE
Me?
NATHAN
I’m sorry.
RENEE
No, you’re talking to the wrong person.
Nathan and Maxine exchange a look.
MAXINE
It’s okay, Renee. Nathan’s obviously seen through your stories.
RENEE
Oh no you don’t…
NATHAN
Thanks for the email, Max. See you around.
MAXINE
See ya.
Maxine focuses on her laptop screen.
Renee’s eyes are daggers.
RENEE
So, girlfriend, we’re even now. But the war just started.
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LOGLINE: Two teenagers tussle over a crush as they do homework.
ESSENCE: Renee exposes her true feelings.
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Renee: Prissy to ambitious.
SCENE:
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY
NATHAN [14], a teenager trying to be cool, pretends to concentrate on his laptop, but his eyes are on two girls across the room.
MAXINE, an elegant young woman [13] with trendy earrings, necklace and rings on her fingers, sits at distant work table with her laptop open. Alongside her, also on her laptop, is RENEE [13], minimal jewelry, but neatly presented.
Maxine’s eyes flick from laptop to Nathan and back to the laptop.
MAXINE
(through her teeth)
He’s looking again.
RENEE
‘The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’ – how’s that for an opening line?
MAXINE
Do you think he knows?
RENEE
Have you told anyone else?
MAXINE
No. Except you.
RENEE
Then he can’t know, can he?
MAXINE
He keeps looking in a funny way.
Renee looks from her research to Nathan.
RENEE
I’ll ask him for you.
MAXINE
What?
RENEE
I’ll just ask why he keeps looking at you.
MAXINE
(unsure)
Oh, I don’t know, Renee, that could…
RENEE
You think he knows something, right?
MAXINE
I guess.
RENEE
So, if you want to find something out, you ask.
MAXINE
Asking would be so un-cool.
RENEE
Okay.
(goes back to her work)
What do you think of the quote as an opening for the speech?
MAXINE
Good.
RENEE
Because I really want to get the top mark for this.
MAXINE
Maybe I should send him an anonymous card or something, to see how he reacts.
RENEE
Maybe… have you decided on a topic yet? This speech is due by Thursday.
MAXINE
I’m still thinking about it.
RENEE
Thinking about Nathan more like it. How you and he are going to make out… oh Nathan, oh…
MAXINE
Ssh!
RENEE
No-one’s listening. Why don’t you speak about drug addiction or homelessness?
MAXINE
Urgh. No thanks.
RENEE
Pick something the teacher cares about and you get a better mark.
MAXINE
I’ve got to figure out how best to test him before I let on that I like him.
RENEE
‘Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it’. Hmmm.
MAXINE
Do you think someone overheard us in the bathroom and told him?
RENEE
Why are you so paranoid?
MAXINE
I just don’t want what happened last time.
RENEE
Last time?
MAXINE
When the whole school was talking about my crush.
RENEE
What about this quote: ‘a lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes’. Mark Twain.
MAXINE
And never the twain shall meet.
RENEE
Huh?
MAXINE
It’s a play on words… you know… twain… never mind.
RENEE
You know what, I just need to tell you.
MAXINE
What?
RENEE
Jack told Megan, and she told me.
MAXINE
What!?
RENEE
About Nathan.
MAXINE
Tell me already.
RENEE
You sure you want to know?
MAXINE
Oh my days, are you going to tell em or not?
RENEE
She said he doesn’t like you; he likes me.
Maxine stares at her.
MAXINE
Why would he even say that if he doesn’t know I like him?
RENEE
Maybe I will start with the first quote…
MAXINE
You did tell!
RENEE
‘The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’.
NATHAN
Hi Maxine. Renee.
The girls turn in surprise.
NATHAN
I’ve been wanting to ask something…
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LOGLINE: Estranged parents must work together to talk their child out of committing a crime
ESSENCE: A teenager forces his parents to pay him some attention
EXT. WYOMING SENIOR HIGH – DAY
NANCY, early 40s, a well-groomed woman in a business suit, speaks into a cell phone that she holds in front of her mouth, the phone on speaker.
NANCY
Put the gun down now!
She eyes the POLICE OFFICER next to her.
NANCY
If you want what I think you want, you…
JOHN
What is it I want?
NANCY
That’s what we’re going to talk about.
JOHN
We’re talking now.
SQUIRE, 40s, good-looking, dressed in jeans, boots, open neck shirt, offers a wry smile as he leans against the police car, listening to the conversation.
Nancy notices. She’s annoyed.
NANCY
We’ll talk face to face. You put the gun down and come on out.
JOHN
No can do.
Nancy covers the phone, speaks to Squire.
NANCY
What?
SQUIRE
Nance, you’re still issuing commands. He ain’t no kid no more.
NANCY
You think this is my fault?
SQUIRE
I didn’t say that.
NANCY
That’s our son in there. Don’t you care?
Squire evades the question, looking to the school.
NANCY
John, your father wants to speak to you.
Nancy forces the phone on a reluctant Squire.
SQUIRE
Hey Buddy, how you doing?
Nancy can hardly believe the idiocy of the question.
Squire turns his back on her.
SQUIRE
We gotta get together and have a yak about what’s going on.
JOHN
Sure Dad.
Squire turns to Nancy with a smile.
SQUIRE
There you go. I knew you’d see reason, Buddy.
JOHN
Come on in and we’ll talk.
SQUIRE
Ah, well, the idea is, we talk when you come out here.
JOHN
No can do, Pa.
Johnny ends the call.
SQUIRE
No such thing as can’t, John… John?
NANCY
Oh for goodness sake!
Nancy grabs the phone off Squire and starts walking towards the school.
NANCY
Johnny? Johnny? How do I get this number back?
The Police Officer steps over to stop her.
OFFICER
Ma’am!
Nancy keeps walking.
NANCY
He wants to talk.
OFFICER
I can’t let you go in there.
NANCY
He’s my son. I’m going in one way or another.
The Officer now has no cover. He gives up, beaten by this stubborn woman. He appeals to Squire.
OFFICER
Sir.
SQUIRE
Hey, it’s her funeral.
OFFICER
Sir!
SQUIRE
Nance! C’mon, what you doing?
NANCY
You afraid of your own son, Squire?
SQUIRE
(under his breath)
Shit.
He darts after her.
SQUIRE
You don’t know what he’s capable of.
Nancy just looks at him as she strides on, her question still floating in the air, phone to her ear now.
Squire falls into step with her. The police panic behind their vehicle protection.
NANCY
Come on, Johnny, pick up.
SQUIRE
If he’s not picking up we shouldn’t be going in here.
Nancy keeps walking, Squire keeping up.
INT. ROOM – DAY
JOHNNY, an High School Senior in a hoodie, smirks at the phone ringing next to him.
He takes his time picking it up, hesitates, then accepts the call.
INT. WYOMING SENIOR HIGH CORRIDOR – DAY
Nancy and Squire stand uncertainly in the corridor.
NANCY
Thank you for taking the call, Johnny.
JOHN
Hey Dad, have you talked to Mom about your girlfriend yet?
Nancy swings around, staring hard at Squire.
SQUIRE
Sure. Sure I have.
(winks at Nancy)
Good one Johnny.
NANCY
You arsehole! I knew it.
NANCY
Where are you Johnny?
JOHN
Does Dad know about that account you’ve been shifting money into for years?
It’s Nancy’s turn to cover up.
SQUIRE
Woah! You gotta be kidding.
NANCY
Well, it looks like I was right to do it.
SQUIRE
Wait, wait, wait – That’s effectively cheating on me.
NANCY
No, that’s what you’re doing!
Squire turns away.
SQUIRE
True to form, Babe. Straight onto the attack.
JOHN
Just like I thought, you two are so selfish and stubborn, even now you can only focus on yourselves.
NANCY
Where are you, John? We’re in the building. We need to talk face to face.
Silence.
NANCY
John. We’re here to help. Tell us where you are?
JOHN
I’m not in the building.
A moment as this registers.
SQUIRE
Then where are you, Buddy?
JOHN
I left. With all the other kids, then I called and pretended I was the shooter.
SQUIRE
Okay. You want to tell us why?
JOHN
I guess… I guess wanted to get your attention.
NANCY
You have our attention now.
SQUIRE
If you’re not… where’s the real shooter now, John?
JOHN
I guess he’s still in the school.
Nancy and Squire make real eye contact for the first time.
-
Lesson 14 – QE Cycle 3
LOGLINE: Estranged parents must work together to talk their child out of committing a crime
ESSENCE: A teenager forces his parents to pay him some attention
EXT. WYOMING SENIOR HIGH – DAY
NANCY, early 40s, a well-groomed woman in a business suit, speaks into a cell phone that she holds in front of her mouth, the phone on speaker.
NANCY
Put the gun down now!
She eyes the POLICE OFFICER next to her.
He speaks quietly into her ear.
OFFICER
Tell him to come out slowly with hands visible.
NANCY
If you want what I think you want, you need to come out slowly with your hands visible.
JOHN
What is it I want?
NANCY
That’s what we’re going to talk about when you come out.
JOHN
We’re talking now.
SQUIRE, 40s, good-looking, dressed in jeans, boots, open neck shirt, offers a wry smile as he leans against the police car, listening to the conversation.
Nancy notices. She’s annoyed.
NANCY
We’ll talk face to face. You put the gun down and come on out.
JOHN
No can do.
Nancy covers the phone, speaks to Squire.
NANCY
What?
SQUIRE
You’re still issuing commands. He’s not a kid anymore.
NANCY
You think this is my fault?
SQUIRE
I didn’t say that.
NANCY
That’s our son in there. Don’t you care?
Squire evades the question, looking to the school.
NANCY
(to phone)
John, your father wants to speak to you.
Nancy forces the phone on a reluctant Squire.
SQUIRE
Hey Buddy, how you doing?
Nancy can hardly believe the idiocy of the question.
Squire turns his back on her.
SQUIRE
We gotta get together and have a yak about what’s going on.
JOHN
Sure Dad.
Squire turns to Nancy with a smile.
SQUIRE
There you go. I knew you’d see reason, Buddy.
JOHN
Come on in and we’ll talk.
Squire’s smile disappears.
SQUIRE
Ah, well, the idea is, we talk when you come out here.
JOHN
No can do, Pa.
Johnny ends the call.
SQUIRE
No such thing as can’t, John… John?
NANCY
Oh for goodness sake! I’ll do this.
Nancy grabs the phone off Squire and starts walking towards the school.
NANCY
Johnny? Johnny? How do I get this number back?
The Police Officer steps over to stop her.
OFFICER
Ma’am!
Nancy keeps walking.
NANCY
He wants to talk.
OFFICER
I can’t let you go in there.
NANCY
He’s my son. I’m going in one way or another.
The Officer now has no cover. He gives up, beaten by this stubborn woman. He appeals to Squire.
OFFICER
Sir!
SQUIRE
Nancy! Come back.
NANCY
You afraid of your own son, Squire?
SQUIRE
(under his breath)
Shit.
He darts after her.
SQUIRE
You don’t know what he’s capable of.
Nancy just looks at him as she strides on, her question still floating in the air, phone to her ear now.
Squire falls into step with her. The police Panic behind their vehicle protection.
NANCY
Come on, Johnny, pick up.
SQUIRE
If he’s not picking up we shouldn’t be going in here.
Nancy keeps walking, Squire keeping up.
INT. ROOM – DAY
JOHNNY, an High School Senior in a hoodie, smirks at the phone ringing next to him.
He takes his time picking it up, hesitates, then accepts the call.
INT. WYOMING SENIOR HIGH CORRIDOR – DAY
Nancy and Squire stand uncertainly in the corridor.
NANCY
Thank you for taking the call, Johnny.
SQUIRE
We’re here to talk, Buddy, just like you asked.
JOHN
Have you talked to Mom about your girlfriend yet?
Nancy swings around, staring hard at Squire.
SQUIRE
Sure. Sure I have.
(winks at Nancy)
Good one Johnny.
NANCY
You arsehole! I knew it.
NANCY
Where you are Johnny?
JOHN
Does Dad know about that account you’ve been shifting all that money into for years?
It’s Nancy’s turn to cover up.
SQUIRE
You’ve been what?
NANCY
Well, it looks like I was right to do it.
SQUIRE
Bullshit. That’s effectively cheating on me.
NANCY
No, that’s what you’re doing!
Squire turns away.
SQUIRE
True to form. Attack is best form of defense.
JOHN
So, just like I thought, you two are so selfish and stubborn, even now you can only focus on yourselves.
NANCY
(back to the phone)
Where are you, John? We’re in the building. We need to talk face to face.
Silence.
NANCY
John. Where are you?
JOHN
I’m not in the building.
A moment this registers.
NANCY
Then where are you?
JOHN
I left. With all the other kids when we evacuated. I called and pretended to be the shooter.
SQUIRE
You want to tell us why, Buddy?
JOHN
I guess… I guess wanted to get your attention.
SQUIRE
You sure have our attention now.
NANCY
If you’re not… where’s the real shooter now, John?
JOHN
I don’t know. I guess he’s still in the building.
Nancy and Squire make real eye contact for the first time.
-
Andrew’s Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned is one can always tweak a scene and add another interest technique.
LOGLINE: Peter listens to Gracie while missing his audition.
ESSENCE: Peter puts Gracie ahead of his own needs
Added techniques: anticipatory dialogue, uncomfortable moments, prediction, something unseen
Already existing: hook, dilemma, [mystery],
EXT. BETHEL MUSIC COURTYARD – LATER
At the edge of the Courtyard, Bill signals to another classmate, CRUISE, confident, good-looking: the school heart-throb.
He’s spotted…
Peter and Gracie sit side by side on a bench, Gracie with a tissue, face a little blotchy from crying.
Peter sits somewhat stiffly, staring straight ahead.
GRACIE
… you know… I mean…Cruise is sooo hot, don’t you think?
PETER
(shrugs)
If you like that sort of thing.
GRACIE
But I think he’s going to ask Beth to the dance and not me.
Peter glances at his watch, gesturing helplessly.
PETER
That’s tough.
Bill and Cruise watch, amused, from the edge of the courtyard, out of earshot.
GRACIE
C’mon, Peter, help me. How can I get him to like me?
Peter lifts his arms helplessly again. If he knew that, he’d know how to get Gracie to like himself.
PETER
If I knew that…
GRACIE
Who’re you going to take to the dance?
PETER
I dunno…
GRACIE
How about Jane? She’s nice.
PETER
Maybe.
BILL
Busted!
Gracie and Peter swing around.
CRUISE
Lil’ Petey hitting on you, Gracie? You want me to sort him out?
GRACIE
Oh, hi Cruise. No. We’re just talking.
CRUISE
Hey, what’s with your face? Your skin’s kinda blotchy.
Gracie covers her face.
PETER
Wow. Don’t overdo the compliments Cruise.
BILL
Shut it, Penfold, or I’ll shut it for you.
PETER
Always helpful, aren’t you Bill?
BILL
You tol’ me you had an audition. But here you are hitting on Gracie.
GRACIE
You’ve got an audition?
PETER
Bit late now.
GRACIE
No, Peter. Go! I’m so sorry.
Peter starts to protest.
GRACIE
Go. Run.
Peter acquiesces and hurries away.
BILL
He’s too late.
GRACIE
Shut up, Bill.
-
Andrew’s challenging situations.
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is… that with a bit of thought and brainstorming, the perfect scene is able to be improved!
Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: Annie and Lewis discuss ministry when Annie finds an abandoned baby.B. Essence: Annie gets an assignment from God – to care for this baby [expression?]C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.GOAL – to help Lewis with the ministry needs in MalawiLewis mentions impossible-to-meet expectationsThe children ask to return to SAA European will not be easily acceptedNEEDS - to find meaning [God’s call] in her life / to reach Malawi and assess the ministry needsAn accident/attack that prevents them going any furtherThey get robbedThe baby is dead when they find itVALUES – practical compassion for other’s needs; being helpfulThey don’t find the babyLewis and the children are non-supportive of alternative ministriesSome locals prevent her from investigating the criesLewis tries to prevent her investigating the criesSome locals resist/prevent her taking the childWOUND – her forced abortionShe’s challenged on her obsession with babiesOne of the kids says ‘mum has a thing about babies’Lewis talks about abortion rates in MalawiPHYSICAL – remote place with steep descentShe falls and hurts herself on the slopeOne of the kids hurts himself and they need to tend to himD. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.Bring when Annie hears the cry forward to create some mystery. Discussion about Malawi and ministry overlaps with talk of babies. One of the kids says ‘mum has a thing about babies’ – Lewis tries to stop her investigating [he feels responsible and protective of her], and she cuts herself on a rock when going down the slope; nearly leave before hearing the cry again. Try create dramatic irony so audience know a baby is there – hope/fear that they might leave the baby to die without finding it.
Scene 2
A. Current Scene Logline: The baby dies as they discuss Tiwonge’s challenge.B. Essence: Annie must accept the baby’s life or death is not linked to God’s forgivenessC. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.GOAL: for the baby to liveBaby struggling to breathe; Annie trying various things to help, but nothing doesNEEDS: to feel meaningful/justified through the life of the babyWants to get to the hospital but Lewis stops her – no point; they don’t have the means to save the babyVALUES: being able to do something; being helpful and effectiveOthers emphasize that she can’t do anythingShe tries extreme measures but they don’t workWOUND: the forced abortionThe baby dies in her arms as if she’s doing the killingPHAYSICAL: In the bedroomRush to hospitalIntrusion from outsidersMphatso comes in and makes accusationsTiwonge arrives to gloat and blame Annie for the death of the babyD. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.The baby dying is already the major challenge to Annie in this scene; further additions may harm the power of this moment. But it may enhance the scene if Mphatso and possibly Tiwonge arrive to distract and see her holding the dead baby; they are suspicious that she has caused the death. Can question what she’s doing. The initial breathing problems the baby faces can be more pronounced, so that Annie’s efforts are more dramatic and pronounced – like wanting to rush to the hospital [again] – drawing out the moment of death, creating some hope in the scene, building to a bigger climax, before the downer after the baby has died. -
Andrew’s outfull characters
What I’ve learned is that even nice/good characters can have traits that will heighten the drama.
PENFOLD [story]
Logline: a geeky teenager must overcome the school bully to charm the girl he wants to take to the school dance.
Essence: Someone has to stop the school bully.
Version One:
PENFOLD
DESCRIPTION: A geeky teenager who finds a way to stand up to the bullies.
TRAITS: kind, stable, persistent, ambitious,
SUBTEXT: Peter hides his feelings of inadequacy under his politeness.
GRACIE
DESCRIPTION: An unpretentious girl who has a crush on the school stud.
TRAITS: curious, charming, impulsive, flighty
SUBTEXT: Wants a cool boyfriend to feel better about herself.
BILL
DESCRIPTION: The school bully who feels good about himself when putting others down.
TRAITS: mean, childish, smartass, insecure
SUBTEXT: Puts others down to cover up his insecurity.
PENFOLD
DESCRIPTION: A geeky teenager who’s had enough of being bullied.
TRAITS: principled, vengeful, ambitious, sarcastic
SUBTEXT: Peter hides his anger and frustration under his politeness.
GRACIE
DESCRIPTION: An unpretentious girl who has a crush on the school stud.
TRAITS: curious, flirtatious, driven, flighty
SUBTEXT: Embarrassed about her friendship/attraction to Peter.
BILL
DESCRIPTION: The school bully who is terrified others will find out what he really thinks about himself.
TRAITS: malicious, lewd, smartass, insecure
SUBTEXT: Puts others down to cover up his cowardice.
-
Andrew’s rewrite QE Cycle 2 for critique:
LOGLINE: Nick and John argue and fight while rock climbing
ESSENCE: Nick’s in love with Jess; John is not.
EXT. ROCK FACE – DAY
A cliff face. High above the valley below.
A rope frays against a rock edge, as a climber below climbs up towards it.
The rope runs up to a pin higher up. A hand plays with the rope and pin…
The hand belongs rock climber, NICK [mid 20s]. He rests on a ledge as he waits for his companion to make the climb up to him.
Nick pulls away from his reverie as JOHN [mid 20s] appears over the ledge below him. He looks up at Nick.
JOHN
If I fell now, I’d be out of your way.
NICK
Yeah, I could make it look like an accident.
John eyes him from below.
JOHN
Is that why you brought me up here?
Nick indicates the rope tied to his harness, and pulls on it to show they’re connected. He leans forward.
NICK
Take my hand.
John ignores Nick.
He struggles to get a better grip, looking for a foothold under the ledge.
His foot slips.
Nick pulls back and braces with the rope for the fall.
John’s hanging on by his fingers.
NICK (CONT’D)
Lean back. Trust the rope. I’ve got it.
John refuses, trying to get a foothold.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Sure you have…
John tries again to get a foothold, but slips. Falls.
Nick braces as the rope jerks tight with John’s body weight. John only falls a foot or so, hanging in midair.
NICK
See? If I wanted you out of the way, I wouldn’t be this obvious.
John tries to reach the cliff face, but because of the ledge, he’s too far away.
JOHN
I can’t reach.
NICK
Swing yourself side to side.
The rope frays against the ledge, as John swings his body to get a hold of the rock face again.
John gets a grip on the cliff face again.
JOHN
I just can’t believe my best man wants to bang my fiance.
NICK
Do you want me to; cause that’s what it sounds like.
JOHN
Are you?
NICK
We’re friends. I introduced you two, remember? I dared you to ask her out.
John appears over the ledge again.
JOHN
Why did you bring up here, Nick?
NICK
Do you love her, or do you just want to bang her?
JOHN
What’s the difference?
NICK
There’s a difference… but, okay, you don’t trust her and you want to test her, right?
JOHN
Maybe.
NICK
So set up a date, I’ll arrive instead, give her a few drinks, have a good time, see if she wants a last fling before tying the knot.
Nick offers his hand.
NICK (CONT’D)
I’m trying to help.
John takes the helping hand this time and Nick hauls him onto the ledge, where he sits, getting his breath back.
NICK (CONT’D)
I won’t actually go through with it.
JOHN
How do I know that?
Nick studies the rock for the next leg of the climb, getting a hand hold.
NICK
You’ll just have to trust me.
He pulls himself upwards.
JOHN
I don’t. Not with Jess.
NICK
Yeah. If you don’t trust her, why you marrying her?
JOHN
I said I would.
NICK
That’s a shit reason.
Nick hammers a pin into the rock further up.
NICK (CONT’D)
Love and trust go together, like this rope and these pins, man. The one is useless without the other.
John starts to climb up after Nick.
JOHN
I’ll be a loyal husband.
NICK
Loyal like this rock – hard, unmovable, controlling…
John draws level with Nick, but this time he keeps climbing without looking at Nick.
NICK (CONT’D)
I don’t care what anyone says; if you don’t trust her – you don’t really love her.
JOHN
And I suppose you do.
Nick doesn’t answer.
John stops climbing; stares at Nick.
NICK
You’ve shown me you don’t love her; you don’t even know what love means.
JOHN
Shit. You really do want to bang her.
John’s free leg swings out, catching Nick under the jaw, sending him backwards off the cliff.
The rope tightens and Nick jerks to a halt.
John braces, but he has no pin to hold him this time, and Nick’s weight pulls him from the cliff face also.
John jerks to a halt also.
The rope on the ledge frays more as the men swing in mid air.
Both men now hanging a few feet from each other, trading blows in midair… as the rope frays further.
-
Andrew’s QE cycle two, draft one [Lesson 8]:
LOGLINE: Nick and John argue and fight while rock climbing
ESSENCE: Nick’s in love with Jess; John is not.
EXT. ROCK FACE – DAY
A cliff face. High above the valley below.
A rock climber, NICK [mid 20s], rests on a ledge with his back to the rock as he waits for his companion to make the climb up to him.
Nick turns his head sideways to look at the pin in the rock next to him, which holds the rope on which his fellow climber depends.
His hand reaches over to the rope and the pin, his finger flicking it as if to pull it out and send his companion falling down the rock face.
Nick pulls away from his reverie as JOHN [mid 20s] appears over the ledge below him. He looks up at Nick.
JOHN
So, my best man wants to bang my fiance.
NICK
Do you want me to bang her? Cause that’s what it sounds like.
JOHN
I don’t want to marry someone who’s banging another guy.
NICK
John, mate, you’ve got serious trust issues.
Nick reaches down.
NICK (CONT’D)
Take my hand.
JOHN
I can do it.
John struggles over the ledge, refusing the take Nick’s hand.
John’s foot slips.
Nick pulls back and braces for the fall.
John’s hanging on by his fingers.
NICK
Lean back. Trust the rope. I’ve got it.
John looks up at Nick, not sure.
Nick reluctantly shows his grip on the rope.
John tries again to get a foothold, but slips. Falls.
Nick braces as the rope jerks with John’s body weight. John only falls a foot or so.
Nick hangs onto the rope as John swings in to get a foothold.
The rope frays against the ledge
NICK (CONT’D)
You actually think I’m banging her, is that it?
JOHN
Are you?
NICK
No! We’re friends. I introduced you two, remember? I dared you to ask her out.
JOHN
Well, that’s what you would say.
John gets a grip back on the cliff face.
NICK
Do you love her, or do you just want to bang her?
JOHN
What’s the difference?
NICK
There’s a difference… but you want to test her, right?
JOHN
Maybe.
NICK
Okay, set up a date, I’ll arrive instead, give her a few drinks, have a good time, see if she wants a last fling before tying the knot.
John hauls himself up over the ledge again. Nick offers his hand.
NICK (CONT’D)
I’m trying to help.
John takes the helping hand and Nick hauls him onto the ledge, where he sits, getting his breath back.
NICK (CONT’D)
I won’t actually go through with it.
JOHN
How do I know that?
Nick studies the rock for the next leg of the climb, getting a hand hold.
NICK
You’ll just have to trust me.
He pulls himself upwards.
JOHN
I don’t.
NICK
Yeah. You don’t trust Jess either. So why you marrying her?
JOHN
I said I would. I made a commitment.
NICK
That’s a shit reason. If you don’t trust her now, how you going to trust her when you’re married?
Nick hammers a pin into the rock further up.
NICK (CONT’D)
Love and trust go together like this rope and these pins, man. The one is useless without the other.
John starts to climb up after Nick.
JOHN
I’ll be a loyal husband.
NICK
Loyal like this rock – hard, unmovable, controlling…
John draws level with Nick, but this time he keeps climbing without looking at Nick.
NICK (CONT’D)
I don’t care what anyone says; you don’t trust her – you don’t really love her.
JOHN
And I suppose you do.
Nick doesn’t answer.
John stops climbing; stares at Nick. Realization.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Shit.
NICK
I won’t be best man to someone who doesn’t love her.
John’s free leg swings out, catching Nick under the jaw, sending him backwards off the cliff.
The rope tightens and Nick jerks to a halt.
The rope on the ledge frays more.
John braces, but he has no pin to hold him this time, and Nick’s weight pulls him from the cliff face also.
John jerks to a halt also.
Both men now hanging a few feet from each other, trading blows in midair… as the rope frays further.
-
Andrew’s scene for feedback [same as Lesson 6 post] – thanks 🙂
EXT. UPMARKET CAR – DAY
TRENT, ten years young, checks his perfectly combed hair in the passenger mirror.
TRENT
I hate being late.
MOTHER
Trent, we’re late because you made all those calls.
Trent straightens his sleeves, taking a deep breath to steel himself for what’s to come.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-LIVING AREA – DAY
ROBERT, small for his age, looks out through a gap in the curtains. Behind him is JACK, a big bruiser of a kid.
ROBERT
He’s here.
He turns to Jack, suddenly unsure.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Are you going to do this?
Jack smiles, rubs a fist into the other hand.
Behind them hangs a ‘Happy 10th Birthday Robert’ banner along with a bunch of helium balloons. Party food and soft drinks cover the table. Gifts adorn a small side table.
A number of ten year old kids chat and eat around the room, most keeping an eye on Robert.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Trent did it.
Jack nods and heads off.
The doorbell rings. Robert runs to the door, pulling it open.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Trent! I’m so glad you could come.
TRENT
Hi Robert.
ROBERT
(to the other guests)
Hey everyone, Trent’s here. The fun’s about to start.
A murmur ripples through the guests.
Trent eyes the guests suspiciously as he holds out a perfectly wrapped gift.
TRENT
This isn’t your whole present. I’m going to get you something more.
ROBERT
(takes gift)
You don’t need to do that. I heard about your dad.
TRENT
What?
Robert includes the other guests.
ROBERT
We heard about your dad losing all that money.
TRENT
Someone’s spreading rumors again.
ROBERT
Oh. That’s good then. I mean, about your dad.
Trent’s eyes move from person to person in the room.
TRENT
Yeah.
Trent turns to the food table.
Robert hesitates, suddenly uncertain.
He indicates to the guests with a gesture to stay calm, as he joins Trent at the table.
ROBERT
Yeah, well, maybe it’s best leave it alone, huh?
TRENT
Why? You covering for someone?
Trent pours himself a soft drink into a paper cup.
ROBERT
Look… thing is, Jack said he’s gonna beat you up.
TRENT
What for?
ROBERT
That rumor about him.
Trent turns to the other guests.
TRENT
Everyone knows you’re the one who starts rumors, Rob.
ROBERT
(smiling)
That’s not what Jack thinks.
TRENT
Is he here?
ROBERT
Trent. He could really hurt you.
TRENT
Is – he – here?
ROBERT
(hesitant)
He’s in my room. But don’t go in there.
Trent gulps down his soft drink.
TRENT
Okay, I won’t.
Robert’s eyes flick to the guests. He wasn’t expecting this.
ROBERT
Good… good… ’cause nobody here will think you’re a coward.
Trent crushes his cup in his hand as he eyes the guests.
Uncertain looks pass between the other kids.
Trent walks over to another kid, TIM, pulling out his cell phone and handing it to Tim.
TRENT
Look after this for me. It’s not a cheap phone. Got a great camera.
Tim takes the phone, but Trent doesn’t let go of it. Their eyes meet. Something passes between them. Tim nods.
Robert watches, breathless with anticipation now.
ROBERT
Trent…
Trent stalks past him in the direction of the bedrooms.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
You better go in swinging. If you don’t get the first punch in, he’ll kill you.
As soon as Trent has disappeared, Robert signals urgently to the rest of the kids to follow him to the TV screen.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
(quietly)
Quick. It’s going to be a great show.
The Kids gather in front of the TV. Robert flicks it on.
The scene is of a boy’s room – Robert’s – a high angle from a camera in the corner of the room, the door in view.
TIM
Where’s Jack?
ROBERT
He should be… he should be there.
A couple of kids snigger and cough – it’s not happening.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Something’s wrong – just wait.
Robert runs out in the direction of the bedrooms.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-BEDROOM CORRIDOR – DAY
Robert runs down the corridor, slowing to a cautious walk as he approaches his closed bedroom door.
Suddenly, Robert is hit from behind, smashing into his bedroom door.
As he turns to face his attacker, a fist collects him on the nose. Blood spouts.
The door opens and Robert crashes to the floor in his room.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-LIVING AREA – DAY
The kids gasp as on the screen they see Jack laying into Robert who is curled on the floor, trying to protect himself.
TRENT (O.S.)
You getting all this?
Tim nods as he films the scene on TV with the cell phone.
TIM
What you going to do with it?
TRENT
It might be worth something one day.
Jack gives Robert a final kick and leaves the room.
Tim stops filming and hands the cell phone to Trent.
TIM
Time to go everyone.
The kids clear out, heading for the front door.
Trent looks at the screen.
TRENT
Happy birthday, Robbie.
He pockets his phone, straightens his shirt sleeves, and turns off the TV screen.
-
Andrew’ first quality elevation:
EXT. UPMARKET CAR – DAY
TRENT, ten years young, checks his perfectly combed hair in the passenger mirror.
TRENT
I hate being late.
MOTHER
Trent, we’re late because you made all those calls.
Trent straightens his sleeves, taking a deep breath to steel himself for what’s to come.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-LIVING AREA – DAY
ROBERT, small for his age, looks out through a gap in the curtains. Behind him is JACK, a big bruiser of a kid.
ROBERT
He’s here.
He turns to Jack, suddenly unsure.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Are you going to do this?
Jack smiles, rubs a fist into the other hand.
Behind them hangs a ‘Happy 10th Birthday Robert’ banner along with a bunch of helium balloons. Party food and soft drinks cover the table. Gifts adorn a small side table.
A number of ten year old kids chat and eat around the room, most keeping an eye on Robert.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Trent did it.
Jack nods and heads off.
The doorbell rings. Robert runs to the door, pulling it open.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Trent! I’m so glad you could come.
TRENT
Hi Robert.
ROBERT
(to the other guests)
Hey everyone, Trent’s here. The fun’s about to start.
A murmur ripples through the guests.
Trent eyes the guests suspiciously as he holds out a perfectly wrapped gift.
TRENT
This isn’t your whole present. I’m going to get you something more.
ROBERT
(takes gift)
You don’t need to do that. I heard about your dad.
TRENT
What?
Robert includes the other guests.
ROBERT
We heard about your dad losing all that money.
TRENT
Someone’s spreading rumors again.
ROBERT
Oh. That’s good then. I mean, about your dad.
Trent’s eyes move from person to person in the room.
TRENT
Yeah.
Trent turns to the food table.
Robert hesitates, suddenly uncertain.
He indicates to the guests with a gesture to stay calm, as he joins Trent at the table.
ROBERT
Yeah, well, maybe it’s best leave it alone, huh?
TRENT
Why? You covering for someone?
Trent pours himself a soft drink into a paper cup.
ROBERT
Look… thing is, Jack said he’s gonna beat you up.
TRENT
What for?
ROBERT
That rumor about him.
Trent turns to the other guests.
TRENT
Everyone knows you’re the one who starts rumors, Rob.
ROBERT
(smiling)
That’s not what Jack thinks.
TRENT
Is he here?
ROBERT
Trent. He could really hurt you.
TRENT
Is – he – here?
ROBERT
(hesitant)
He’s in my room. But don’t go in there.
Trent gulps down his soft drink.
TRENT
Okay, I won’t.
Robert’s eyes flick to the guests. He wasn’t expecting this.
ROBERT
Good… good… ’cause nobody here will think you’re a coward.
Trent crushes his cup in his hand as he eyes the guests.
Uncertain looks pass between the other kids.
Trent walks over to another kid, TIM, pulling out his cell phone and handing it to Tim.
TRENT
Look after this for me. It’s not a cheap phone. Got a great camera.
Tim takes the phone, but Trent doesn’t let go of it. Their eyes meet. Something passes between them. Tim nods.
Robert watches, breathless with anticipation now.
ROBERT
Trent…
Trent stalks past him in the direction of the bedrooms.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
You better go in swinging. If you don’t get the first punch in, he’ll kill you.
As soon as Trent has disappeared, Robert signals urgently to the rest of the kids to follow him to the TV screen.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
(quietly)
Quick. It’s going to be a great show.
The Kids gather in front of the TV. Robert flicks it on.
The scene is of a boy’s room – Robert’s – a high angle from a camera in the corner of the room, the door in view.
TIM
Where’s Jack?
ROBERT
He should be… he should be there.
A couple of kids snigger and cough – it’s not happening.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Something’s wrong – just wait.
Robert runs out in the direction of the bedrooms.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-BEDROOM CORRIDOR – DAY
Robert runs down the corridor, slowing to a cautious walk as he approaches his closed bedroom door.
Suddenly, Robert is hit from behind, smashing into his bedroom door.
As he turns to face his attacker, a fist collects him on the nose. Blood spouts.
The door opens and Robert crashes to the floor in his room.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-LIVING AREA – DAY
The kids gasp as on the screen they see Jack laying into Robert who is curled on the floor, trying to protect himself.
TRENT (O.S.)
You getting all this?
Tim nods as he films the scene on TV with the cell phone.
TIM
What you going to do with it?
TRENT
It might be worth something one day.
Jack gives Robert a final kick and leaves the room.
Tim stops filming and hands the cell phone to Trent.
TIM
Time to go everyone.
The kids clear out, heading for the front door.
Trent looks at the screen.
TRENT
Happy birthday, Robbie.
He pockets his phone, straightens his shirt sleeves, and turns off the TV screen.
-
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-LIVING AREA – DAY
A ‘Happy 10th Birthday Robert’ banner hangs from the ceiling, along with a bunch of helium balloons. Party food and soft drinks cover the table. Gifts adorn a small side table.
A variety of 10 YEAR OLD KIDS hang about chatting, eating and drinking.
ROBERT, small for his age, looks through a gap in the curtains. Behind him is JACK, a big bruiser of a kid.
ROBERT
He’s coming.
He turns to Jack.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Go get ready.
Jack smiles. Rubbing a fist into the other hand as he heads off.
The doorbell rings.
Robert runs to the door, pulling it open.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Trent! Hey, I’m so glad you could come.
TRENT, well-groomed with perfect hair, holds out a wrapped gift.
TRENT
This isn’t your whole present. I’m going to get you something more.
ROBERT
(takes gift)
Hey, you don’t need to do that. This is great. Thanks. Come in.
TRENT
I wanted to see what else you got first, you know.
ROBERT
Sure. But you don’t need to. I heard about your dad.
Trent stops.
TRENT
What?
Robert drops his voice as he closes the door behind Trent.
ROBERT
I heard about your dad losing all that money.
TRENT
Who told you that?
ROBERT
Um, I don’t know, it was, um…
TRENT
Well it’s not true. Someone’s spreading rumors.
ROBERT
Oh. Well, that’s good then. I mean about your dad.
Trent’s eyes move from person to person in the room.
TRENT
Yeah. I’d still like to know who’s the jerk lying about me. We got plenty of money.
ROBERT
Yeah, well, maybe you best leave it alone, huh?
TRENT
Why? You covering for someone? One of them?
Robert bites his lip.
ROBERT
Look…
He grabs Trent’s arm and drags him over to the table, pouring a soft drink into a paper cup for Trent.
Trent straightens the shirt sleeve that Robert crumpled.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Jack told me he’s gonna beat you up.
TRENT
(looking around for Jack)
Let him try.
Robert pulls Trent back around. Trent again straightens his sleeve.
ROBERT
Trent. He’s a monster. If he gets you alone he could really hurt you.
TRENT
Is he here?
Robert looks away.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Is – he – here?
ROBERT
I don’t want you to get hurt.
Trent waits, ready to wring it out of Robert.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
He’s in my room. But don’t go there.
TRENT
Does everybody else know about this?
Robert tries to shake his head, then give up and nods.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Then if I don’t, they’re going to call me a coward.
ROBERT
Well, if you do, you better go in swinging. If you don’t get the first punch in, he’ll kill you.
TRENT
(nods)
Thanks.
ROBERT
What you gonna do?
TRENT
I’m going do what you said. Thanks for inviting me to your party.
ROBERT
Hey, I didn’t mean for this to happen.
TRENT
No that’s okay. It’s not your fault.
Trent gulps down the cup of soft drink. He slams the cup down on the table and stalks away in the direction of the bedrooms.
Robert watches him go.
As soon as Trent has disappeared into the interior of the house, Robert signals urgently to the rest of the kids to follow him to the TV screen.
ROBERT
(quietly)
Come. Come on. It’s going to be a great show.
The Kids all follow and gather in front of the TV.
Robert flicks it on.
The scene is of a boy’s room – Robert’s – a high angle from a camera in the corner of the room, the door in view.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Trent’s about to go in.
They wait.
KID ONE
Where’s Jack?
ROBERT
He should be… he should be there.
A couple of kids snigger and cough – it’s not happening.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Something’s wrong – just wait.
Robert runs out in the direction of the bedrooms.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-BEDROOM CORRIDOR – DAY
Robert runs down the corridor, slowing to a cautious walk as he approaches his closed bedroom door.
Suddenly, Robert is hit from behind, smashing into his bedroom door.
As he turns to face his attacker, a fist collects him on the nose. Blood spouts.
The door opens and Robert crashes to the floor in his room.
INT. ROBERT’S HOUSE-LIVING AREA – DAY
The kids gasp as on the screen they see Jack laying into Robert who is curled on the floor, trying to protect himself.
TRENT (O.S.)
You getting all this?
KID ONE
Sure am.
Kid One films the scene on the TV screen with a cell phone.
Trent stands next to him.
KID ONE (CONT’D)
What you going to do with it?
TRENT
(shrugs)
It might be useful one day.
Jack gives Robert a final kick and leaves the room.
Kid One stops filming and hands the cell phone to Trent.
KID ONE
Time to go everyone.
The kids clear out, heading for the front door.
Trent looks at the screen.
TRENT
Happy birthday, Robbie. That’s for telling lies about me.
He pockets his phone, straightens his shirt sleeves, and turns off the TV screen.
-
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that these techniques have to be applied in EVERY scene.
SCENE LOGLINE: Lewis warns Annie that she may be blamed for the death of the baby.
ESSENCE: Annie and Lewis need to make a stand if they are going to challenge cultural norms.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES TO ADD: Uncertainty – Fear/hope; <s>Intrigue</s>; Mislead/reveal; twist
INT. LEWIS’ HOUSE – BABY ROOM – DAY
Tamanda changes the nappy of a baby.
Annie moves from one cot to another.
A baby is crying. She touches the baby, but Annie does not pick the baby up.
Tamanda goes to the one crying, picks it up.
Lewis enters.
LEWIS
Have you seen Mphatso?
Annie has not.
TAMANDA
I think he went out, Bwana.
LEWIS
(pensive)
Hmmm…
ANNIE
Problem?
LEWIS
(covering)
Um, no, no… he should be studying.
(to Annie)
Are you okay?
Annie shakes her head slightly and looks at the dying babies around her.
Lewis goes to Annie… hesitates.
LEWIS
Why don’t you go to Blantyre for a few days.
ANNIE
Why?
LEWIS
Have a break.
ANNIE
I don’t think sitting around doing nothing is going to help.
LEWIS
No, no, but it may be good.
Annie indicates the babies all around them.
ANNIE
For them? I don’t think so.
LEWIS
I’m worried.
ANNIE
I’m allowed to be upset.
LEWIS
Of course. That’s why I think you should have a break.
Annie waves a hand, dismissing the idea as she tucks sheets in, tidies nappies…
Lewis reveals what’s really on his mind.
LEWIS
I’m worried they will hold Eternity’s death against you.
ANNIE
Against me?
LEWIS
It is the culture – not normally for one so young, but…
Annie stares at him.
LEWIS
If a sangoma is consulted, I am fearful the blame may fall to you.
ANNIE
And?
Lewis shrugs, not saying what could happen.
ANNIE
So you want me out of the way for a while.
LEWIS
It may be safer.
Annie takes in just how dangerous the situation could be.
ANNIE
This is what happened to us in Alex – sangomas blaming us for every unrelated disaster.
LEWIS
You can stay with a friend of mine, or in a hotel.
Annie nods.
LEWIS
And come back when it’s all died down.
ANNIE
No.
Lewis reacts.
LEWIS
Annie, we’ve just said…
ANNIE
No. We stood up to it in Alex. We can stand up to it here.
LEWIS
I just told you that it could be dangerous.
ANNIE
Lewis, these are the beliefs that keep people enslaved.
LEWIS
Annie…
ANNIE
I’m not leaving. They have to change for the culture to change. And we have to show them how.
LEWIS
What if they…?
ANNIE
What? What are they going to do?
LEWIS
I… I don’t know. Maybe nothing.
ANNIE
(laughs)
See? Maybe nothing. The enemy uses fear to stop us. Tamanda?
Tamanda looks up slowly from the baby she is rocking in her arms.
Their eyes meet.
TAMANDA
(fearful)
I am with you, Mai.
Annie acknowledges her thanks with a smile.
LEWIS
I just worry.
ANNIE
I’m not guilty and I will not act as if I am.
-
Andrew Profiles People
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that a small adjustment to a trait can elevate a character, and therefore story.
PERSON 1
Confident/Narcissist
Competent
Coward
Bully
PERSON 2
Considerate
Easy-going
Ambitious
Non-confrontational/avoider
PERSON 3
Ambitious
Insecure / [terrified]
Compassionate
Unsubtle / black and white
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Andrew Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is… that even small changes, based on the essence, can double the quality. As George Miller said, when a script is 80% good, you have to the same amount of work to get it to 90% good… identifying and then writing from the essence of the scene and character is part of that hard work that needs to happen to make a script better, even though the changes may seem small.
Script I choose: Kondanani
Scene 1 Location: HOSPITAL OUTPATIENTS
Logline: Annie and Lewis have the abandoned baby seen to at the hospital
Essence I’ve discovered: Annie needs this baby
New Logline: Annie must persuade her family and Lewis to accept the baby.Scene 2 Location: LEWIS’ PROPERTY
Logline: Lewis is chased off his property by the occupiers
Essence I’ve discovered: Lewis discovers using his property for an orphanage will be much harder than anticipated.
New Logline: Lewis tries to get into his house, tries to persuade the occupiers, but is forced away and eventually chased off the property.Scene 3 Location: TEMPORARY ORPHANAGE
Logline: Government official gives the ultimatum on the conditions for the orphanage, or they shut it down.
Essence I’ve discovered: If Annie gives up on these babies it will be a personal failure for her as a mother, and Lewis realises he has to do something drastic.
New Logline: Government official gives the ultimatum; Annie is consumed by fear; desperate to find a solution; Lewis offers a solution, but it will cost him.Scene 4 Location: TIWONGE’S HOUSE
Logline: Annie and Lewis find Tiwonge unconscious; they drop the charges and decide to care for her.
Essence I’ve discovered: This is a true test of Annie’s ability to be a mother.
New Logline: Annie and Lewis find Tiwonge unconscious; Annie struggles with how to forgive the woman who tried to kill her, and be a mother to her instead.Scene 5 Location: BABIES ROOM
Logline: Lewis tries to persuade Annie to leave the house until the unrest has calmed down, but Annie maintains the need to stand up to false beliefs and accusations.
Essence I’ve discovered: Annie recognises that this is the moment to make a stand against false beliefs and accusations.
New Logline: Lewis tries to persuade Annie to leave the house until the unrest has calmed, but Annie realises that this is a critical moment in changing the way people think about her and decides to stay put, in spite of the danger. -
What I learned is that essence has to be introduced early and completed last in the story.
Script I choose: Slumdog Millionaire [5<sup>th</sup> choice]
Scene 1 Location: Police Interview Room
Logline: The inspector can’t believe Jamal knows the answers, but Jamal says ‘I know the answers’
Essence: The essence is about having a purpose and this introduces that concept.Scene 2 Location: Goods yard
Logline: The boys escape by jumping on a train, but Salim purposefully lets Latika’s hand go and she is left behind.
Essence: It sets up Jamal’s lifelong purposeScene 3 Location: Studio backstage
Logline: The Inspector finally figures out why Jamal is on the show.
Essence: The Inspector has his answer – the one he’s been searching for [and so does the audience]; the real answer that Jamal has been searching for as well, linked to his purpose.Scene 4 Location: Studio
Logline: Latika can’t give Jamal the answer, but she is the answer he’s really looking for; he gets the quiz answer correct anyway.
Essence: A deeper meaning and layer to the ‘right answers’ is revealed; Latika is the answer he’s really looking for.Scene 5 Location: Chhatrapati Shvaji Terminus
Logline: Jamal and Latika finally find each other.
Essence: Jamal repeats ‘This is our destiny’ like he’s always known the ‘answer’ – this is the culmination of the story’s essence: he has a purpose.My selection for most profound essence: Scene 4, where the real purpose is revealed.
-
Andrew Matthews: I agree to this release form:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
-
Hi Everyone! G’day from down under. Yes, I’ll be completely time-zoned out and never on time with any assignments. Perhaps that’s not unique, but it’s special 🙂 The name’s Andrew Matthews, but not the famous one [if there is a famous one]. I’ve written a few scripts and focused on a couple of true stories over the past 4 years, so hoping to refine, polish and elevate these two stories. Have a great day/night everyone 🙂
-
You have a good setup and payoff at the end; that keeps the suspense going throughout the scene. And the uncertainty on a couple of levels – the relationship between the two and the mystery of the unknown element of what Phillip is planning. It’s difficult to create empathy for a character in a short scene, but I mention it because if we had more empathy for Brandy, we’d feel that hope/fear more strongly. Otherwise, I think this works well to keep us interested.
There’s also the surprise of the Sherriff arriving – and he’s an uncertain fellow, so that created uncertainty for us in relation to Phillip. Phil also has a dilemma, although maybe that could be played up a bit more. Does he feel any guilt at what he’s about to do? Maybe the uncomfortable moments with his mother could be played up a bit more, without letting on that she’s his mother, as that is one of the big reveals at the end. And the twist of her getting shot. That’s also a bit of a cliffhanger, although I’m assuming she’s been shot. If we heard shots and not a scream, then the deputy swearing… keeps it uncertain. Or maybe Phillip is stronger on ‘she better not get hurt’ line, making it uncertain about how he may react.
Of course there’s a big betrayal, and the sherriff is also betraying Phil. Arguably this is the result of a radical change in Phil.
Although I’ve made a few suggestions here, you’ve included almost all the interest techniques. Impressive!
Brandy is status seeking [shaman], entertaining in a way, needy for sure and a little deceptive [would this trait come out with her son?], and it’s not clear to me that she’s lying.
Phillip is manipulative, entitled, polite… his guilt doesn’t come through as strongly, and while he has manipulated the situation, I think he could be more manipulative of the sherriff. Yes, he does try to manipulate him, so maybe that’s the payoff for the interest ending.
Great work.
-
Hi Audrey,
Great setup and twist at the end! SOOO uncomfortable, and a cliffhanger because there’s clearly going to be fallout.
You have a hook, a surprise, anticipatory language, predictions, another twist… that line, ‘It might be uncomfortable for you both’ really sets us up for what we THINK is going to be the uncomfortable moment – I was looking forward to seeing how that played out: creating a future – and then you topped it with a much more uncomfortable moment. Total cringe!
They both have a dilemma, there’s a mystery in the beginning… it’s all in there plus a few from the last list. WOW!
Traits… Renee has been devious, outgoing and nonconformist; in this scene she’s mostly prissy I think, about what has happened. I read her as quite emotional – somewhat paranoidish – rather than devious in her reactions to seeing her lover’s photo. Maybe if her first reaction had been to laugh along with ‘oh shit’ – making her more outgoing in her initial reaction to the surprise she’s faced with, then perhaps some attempts as deviousness, like ‘maybe I don’t need to be here’ before she tells her mother the truth. Her mother tells her what her traits are, but I didn’t really see all of them coming through strongly.
Maxine… tricky, snobbish -yes. She coped pretty well with the situation, figuring a way to make it work. Her talk of how Renee has repeatedly hurt her speaks of some emotional wounding, but she was sensible in the way she worked through that disappointment, rather than showing the wounding. Could she have panicked more on initially hearing the news, burst into tears herself before getting a grip?
Anyway, some thoughts on traits perhaps. But the scene is a winner! Top job 🙂
-
Hi Mary (or is it Laurie?)… sorry if I got this wrong.
What a great contrast in the opening description. And that is maintained. Two different characters for sure.
Renee is determined, and unpredictable in the end. Maybe not devious, except before this scene. Maybe a little manipulative, which could be deviousness. Perhaps her being outgoing is seen in her actions which I’ve interpreted as determined.
Maxine is tricky, snobbish and some of emotion wounds and paranoid. I think her character traits are all there.
Yes, the weather and lonely road is a hook. There’s surprise, a few dilemmas, the unseen pursuer, predictions, anticipatory dialogue, uncomfortable moments, and a cliffhanger.
I think you could have created more of a future in Renees dream to be free.
That’s an impressive scene, getting all that In there. Well done.
-
Hi Madeleine,
Some thoughts on your scene. I think the choice of characters was interesting and gives scope for the assignment. I did find the characters fairly similar, and got confused between them… but first, the traits I identified: Maxine is tricky and snobbish. Renee is outgoing and a drama queen, but I read some of this as paranoid, which I think is why I confused the characters.
I’m afraid I don’t understand all the stuff about the rabbits, so I think I’m missing stuff that I should be getting. Being confused doesn’t help me give you decent feedback! Sorry about that.
Renee believes she should win, but because she got HIV she also seems emotionally wounded. Clearly she has been devious in the past- that comes through. I’m guessing Maxine was also sleeping with the same guy spreading HIV… so she’s hiding something.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful… I’m wondering if I’m creating mystery and dilemma for the characters, it went too far. Or maybe that’s just me being obtuse.
The dark beginning creates a hook; that works for me. There’s something unseen in the prognosis. There’s anticipation around the rabbits, although I didn’t understand. Certainly uncomfortable moments! And a cliffhanger at the end.
There you go. Hopefully that helps somewhat.
-
Thanks all for the encouragement. A few drafts on this one… pleasing result I think. The process is working!
-
hi James,
I love this idea – two students who do not get on. I found it amusing.
Arguably, Squire trusts Nancy to get the job done, so maybe not distrustful. I found all the traits except ‘scheming’. If there was a twist at the end and she’d been scheming the whole time, that would have been something.
Squire is persistently seductive! And I loved that he tapped into Nancy’s caring side, and she was falling for it. Nice touch.
What if she yelled ‘stop’ as the opening line because he’s going to mess up the dissection. Could work as a bit of a hook.
There were other techniques: prediction, Nancy has a dilemma, Squire creates a future at the dance… I wonder if they could have had some more uncomfortable moments; like if Squire lied, but Nancy already knows the truth about something; and Squire could identify a passion of Nancy’s… just throwing some extra ideas out.
Anyway, hope that helps. Great idea 🙂
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Hi Audrey,
None of us have it ‘down’ – that’s why we’re doing the course. All feedback is helpful, even if just a little. Besides, we’re all audience, so we all have an impression from what we read, and that’s valid.
And we don’t have to agree with the feedback we receive, but it’s still helpful to get us thinking through the skills and how the audience may be interpreting a scene.
Don’t give up 🙂
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Hi Mary, yes, you may be right… And if you’re producing the movie, you’re absolutely right and I can make that work for sure 🙂
Jokes aside, yes, I see your point – and the final lines don’t have enough punch. Yet. Thank you for taking the time to give me extra feedback.
-
Hey Audrey, some quick thoughts on your scene.
I think you did a good job with some of the interest techniques – John and Mira clearly have something going on, so that creates suspense, and hope/fear that he won’t get rattled by Nick. That works fine.
Where I think it still needs development is in traits and subtext – so Nick is aggressive at some points, rather than conniving. I would argue if he’s confident, he wouldn’t swear and shout at John. I think he could be smarter in setting john up to confess something so that he gets a payout. It’s John’s distrust that saves him. This is a neat situation, but I never felt like it was a genuine [conniving] offer, nor that John was ever tempted to actually say something that could incriminate him.
John has clearly been daring, and is daring in this discussion, although also confident. Would he be distrustful of Mira? Perhaps he’s loyal to her, but we don’t know why… maybe that’s back story we don’t need. His back story tells us he’s a loner. Arguably he tricks Nick into showing his worst side, but it came across as Nick’s traits to me more than being tricked.
So, I think the elements are all there, but still needing some polish to avoid misinterpretation of the traits and subtext.
Hope that helps 🙂
-
Logline: John desperately wants to get his hands on the rare plant that Nick has in his possession
Essence: John will do anything to rebuild his reputation but he needs Nick to provide him with the means
Expression: Nick and John bargain over the plant until both they learn Maggie may have betrayed them both
EXT. BOTANICAL GARDENS, FT. LAUDERDALE – DAY
Lush tropical plants and palm trees line a walkway along the beach.
JOHN, 54, rugged individualist specializing in rare plant identification, paces impatiently, vaping. He checks his watch.
JOHN
Damn you, Nick, can’t you ever be on time? [SUSPENSE; MAYBE DISTRUSTFUL]
He takes a long drag on the e-cigarette, and notices out of the corner of his eye–
The BUSHES are moving. He strides over and separates the branches.
NICK, 45, explorer and trader in rare flora and fauna, is down on all fours. He shushes John with a finger over his lips. [REBELLIOUS – HE’S LATE AND DOING SOMETHING…]
JOHN
What are you doing down there?
NICK
Spotted an iguana. Thought you’d want me to nab him. Little buggers will eat their weight in your precious mangoes — [CONNIVING/CONFIDENT/REBELLIOUS/ GIVING – TAKE YOUR PICK :)]
JOHN
Iguana, my ass. You were sneaking up on me. [DISTRUSTFUL]
NICK
I was doing you a favor, man. [GIVING]
JOHN
if anything, you saw fruit rat. They’re everywhere. Admit it. You were skulking, about to pull one of your screwball stunts. [DISTRUSTFUL]
Nick bats the brush. An iguana scurries up a tree.
NICK
When are you going to learn you can trust me? [JOHN’S TRAIT; MAYBE MANIPULATIVE]
JOHN
Cut the crap. I haven’t got all day. Where is it?
NICK
Where’s what? [CONNIVING]
JOHN
My plant!
NICK
First things first, let’s come to terms on my commission. [CONNIVING; CONFIDENT; HOPE]
JOHN
You want me to set a dollar amount? If it’s what you say it is, and I get the jump in id’ing it before everyone else —
NICK
85,000. [FEAR]
JOHN
I’ll give you 15,000.
NICK
50.
JOHN
20 and not a dollar more.
NICK
And you’ll pay up? In dollars not pesos? [DISTRUSTFUL – JOHN’S TRAIT?; HOPE]
JOHN
I’m not like you. My word is my bond. [LOYAL]
NICK
(laughing)
Okay, then in the spirit of keeping our beautiful friendship alive… You’ve got a deal. [HOPE] [CONNIVING? OR GIVING?]
Nick grabs him by the shoulders, looks him straight in the eye. [NOT SURE WHY THIS COMES HERE]
JOHN
I’ll have the money for you tomorrow at noon. You be here with it. [HOPE]
NICK
I’ll have the specimen, but not here. Somewhere private.
JOHN
My beach house then.
NICK
You think I’d take it through customs? Have the Feds confiscate it? No way. [CONNIVING]
JOHN
You know goddamn well I’m not allowed to leave the country. [FEAR] They took my passport– The one time I trusted cost me everything! [THIS LINE IS A BIT ON THE NOSE] You owe me. here, tomorrow, or the deal is off.
NICK
Baloney. You need this. You need me. [FEAR]
JOHN
I don’t need anyone! [LONER]
NICK
You needed Maggie! You’re still blaming me because you lost her. She was ready to split, man. Because you married to your job and your reputation. [GIVING – THE TRUTH] [MISLEAD ABOUT MAGGIE]
JOHN
She was everything to me! You stole her, sweet talked her with your lies! You manipulated us both and now you’re going to set it right. [DARING]
NICK
You think you can order me around! I’ve got two other bidders in play. I was just going to give you the first crack at it. We’re through here.
John grabs his arm. Nick whips around, pulls a knife. [REBELLIOUS; CONNIVING; SURPRISE]
JOHN
Once again, you were playing me for a chump. Maggie called last night. Told me you struck out with those other buyers. I’m your last play. [TWIST/REVEAL] [MORE MISLEAD ON MAGGIE]
John maneuvers around Nick, closely watching the hand with the knife.
NICK
Well, whatta you know.
JOHN
Do we have a deal or not? [HOPE]
NICK
Seems our girl is playing us both for chumps. [FEAR; REVEAL/SURPRISE]
JOHN
No! She’s through with you. Learned who’s the better man. She wants to get back to me. [LOYAL]
NICK
She has the plant, man. I’d say she has another fish on the line, and you’re gonna get another Dear John letter… [IF HE’S GIVING, HE MIGHT OFFER TO JOIN WITH JOHN AGAINST MAGGIE, BUT AS JOHN’S DISTRUSTFUL, HE REFUSES AND STARTS THE FIGHT]
John lunges for Nick. Knife goes flying.
Close on IGUANA in tree, watching the men fight.
AS YOU CAN SEE ABOVE, lots happening throughout the scene to see if the deal is going to happen or not, and lots of traits coming through. Nice twist/reveal with Maggie. I wonder if you could have used the setting more to create a physical cat and mouse between the plants, at least initially. Maybe Nick hints that the plant is somewhere around and John’s searching and Nick’s laughing about it – enjoying the manipulation. Of course, it all has to happen under 5 pages so can’t do everything. Anyway, hope that helps 🙂
Thanks for your feedback on my scene – I like the idea of the text message in the beginning; that would have worked well I think, to give clarity to what was going on. BTW, in my mind, Nick only realises that he loves Jess during the scene – it’s a discovery for him as well as he finds out John’s true feelings. Maybe that doesn’t work…
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hi Shelley,
Thanks for your feedback on my scene – appreciated. And helpful, yes. It’s hard to make every element work.
Yes, I did try to use the other character to indicate the trait of the ‘other’ character as a technique. Not ideal, I think, as you pointed out, but it can be helpful sometimes. Thank you for showing where the traits and subtext emerged in the scene for you. Nice to know some of it is coming through 🙂
To your scene: I love the essence idea, really, but like Mary points out, it’s not yet reading in the scene. I find I add a new technique and something else gets lost – perhaps that happened to you. As Mary has gone through the scene I won’t do that as well.
I found the scene intriguing – there was a mystery to be solved and this kept me engaged. Both characters seemed to be after something which was interesting, but the payoff at the end was not clear – Mary mentioned Nick’s motivation. Is he seeking a confession, or looking for something to cover up whatever he needs covered up maybe?
My impressions of the characters:
Nick’s confidence and conniving nature comes through; also his giving in places. And he’s still drinking on the job, so rebellioius – well done:)
John is daring – being a ski instructor taking risks; clearly distrustful. Loyal? I guess he was in relation to his client, and to Lucy in a way. It’s not clear he’s a loner, but it’s implied in that nobody greets him initially. I can easily believe that even though a loner, he’s seen by others as a loyal member of the team.
Interest techniques – slow reveal of information was effective; there is a major twist and Nick changes radically to reveal his true self; there’s hope/fear as we wonder who’s in the wrong here. I wonder if this scene could have been played out on the slopes, waiting for the investigators to come up to the body? Not sure Lucy could have been included, but maybe she’s another instructor or something like that.
Hope that helps 🙂 Well done.
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Hi Hilton,
I just got a few minutes so hoping this helps.
The scene definitely fulfils the brief; scene arc and subtext of both characters is clear.
Robert is secretive, pretty smooth, tries but fails to be gregarious as far as Trent is concerned.
Trent is conspiring, aggressive… I’m trying to remember the other traits (I’m on my phone so I don’t know how to look back without losing this post.
Interest techniques: I need to see the list to help me, so I’m not being much help… but I saw the ending coming. It was pretty clear Robert spread the rumour, so if he’d been just as upset by it, maybe offered some small compensation, agreed with Trent they needed to find out because it was bad for business… that might have kept us guessing. Trent could then have seemed more unsure, and the final beating then comes as a surprise, and Trent supporting that as a radical change.
Just some thoughts on how you might improve interest techniques.
Hope that helps.
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Hi Laurie,
Some quick feedback – I love the setting; it’s unusual and creates lots of interest. It’s a fun scene. Good job on improving it also. Trent has money issues, conspires against Rob, shows he’s meticulous about money, but maybe not in other areas and he’s aggressive. I don’t really get Rob’s gregariousness. Low self esteem – yes – and he’s kinda smooth with his boss.
The arc is there, although we don’t see him getting beaten up – it would probably take way too long, but it would be cool if Rob could resist, Trent wants to beat him up and somehow they both end up in the ring with the kangaroo in front of the crowd and Rob lands a few real punches on Trent, apologising as he does so. I’m thinking a twist and a surprise – interest techniques. You already have a good surprise and a twist with the kangaroo gag. Some intrigue happening [or suspense – not sure which], betrayal… BTW, Tommy sticking his head in really works to reveal Trent’s conspiring and that creates intrigue/suspense.
Not sure about Rob’s subtext….
All up, great job. The scene skips along really well and keeps us engaged. 🙂
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Hi Jennifer,
What I love about this is how much you got in such a short scene – really economical. Scene arc is there. Trent is aggressive, meticulous and his subtext comes through clearly [BTW, still some mixed up naming near the end], and he’s needy. Rob is gregarious from the get-go, and smooth. He tries to spread a rumor, but from Trent’s reaction we think it’s true, so not really spreading rumors – and his little stunt at the end… well, that’s true also. So here’s a suggestion. Trent controls himself, and just shoves Rob; then Rob fakes some blood and sends out the social media post – now it’s clearly a rumor. He could even add that it’s because Kristina is pregnant – which Trent has just denied? [Then he goes through with his role, not dropping the ring – he could hold it over the toilet for a moment, then put it back in his pocket]. This gives you a twist, a surprise… so, getting to the interest techniques, we got some suspense, some hope/fear working, betrayal and Rob changes radically at the end. I think you could up the suspense and irony by giving us a hint of Rob planning something different in the beginning, making him secretive also, but maybe that ruins the twist – I’m not sure. I also thought you could bring someone else into the room which would potentially highlight some of their traits, create more tension – but that would also lengthen the scene, and the economy of this scene is a strength. Also, give Rob just a moment where he wishes he could be like Trent, marrying Kristina – that gives him low self-esteem.
All up, a great job! I hope these few ideas help lift it even more 🙂
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Hi Shelley,
I hope you don’t mind me commenting – I hope it’s helpful. I’m reading everyone’s contributions because I need help in this area also. I notice with some of your profiles that you’re too kind, too positive 🙂 Now that’s a great thing in life, I believe. But I remember doing something with Hal some years ago about how to give ‘nice’ characters subtext. I can’t remember the details – I’d have to dig it up.
Anyway, I observe, for example, that person 2 really only has two traits: persevering/hardworking & dogmatic/stubborn; person 4 arguably has only one trait, maybe two, in that they’re all pretty similar.
Of course, I could be wrong – you may have stronger distinctions in your mind between these traits than I do.
I trust I’m not overstepping my place and that you find this helpful.
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Hi Cheryl/Hal,
Not sure if there is a place we can ask questions??
I like what Audrey has done with her character traits – a little more descriptive and possibly that provides a more detailed character profile, rather than the one word sometimes. So, I know someone is insecure, but it manifests in a particular context; should I name that context, a bit like Audrey has done? Is that limiting? Is there a drawback to being too specific?
Thanks.
Andrew