Anita Gomez
Forum Replies Created
-
This class was a real growth experience for me. Thank you to Hal, Cheryl, and all of my fellow writers who took this journey with me. Here’s to everyone’s success! ONWARD!
Revised Query Letter Below:
SUBJECT LINE: Psychological / Courtroom Drama, LIFE CHOICES, is ripped from today’s headlines
Hello Film Producer,
Unable to access an abortion a woman abandons her newborn at a ‘Safe Haven’.
Lawyer Danica has an affair with married boss Cyrus. He helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Religious convictions prevent her from having an abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and becomes a fierce choice advocate.
Daughter Harley grows into a brilliant but psychologically damaged young woman.
Danica’s assigned to argue for women’s rights–in front of Cyrus(!) – now a powerful Circuit Court Judge.
Danica’s doctor tells her she needs a kidney transplant-NOW-so Danica searches out Harley hoping she’ll be an organ donor.
Harley agrees to meet her estranged mother, but with ulterior motives – orchestrating a vengeful hit and run to kill Cyrus, for his kidney, to save Danica. Danica awakens in the hospital with a new kidney and Harley at her side. TWIST: Cyrus, only injured, shows up and explains that he was the one who arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list, thwarting Harley’s twisted plans.
BIO: I am an optioned screenwriter who has experience working with producers. I have written 8 feature film screenplays, 2 of which have won Finalist and Best Screenplay in 3 festivals. My stories span various genres but all have strong female leads. My credits can be found on IMDB. As a mother of three daughters, who has also experienced two miscarriages, I (like millions of women) feel passionately about the topic of reproductive rights.
If this story resonates with you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Pitch Deck available upon request.
CONTACT: nomdeplume58@yahoo.com // 541-441-4275
Very Best Regards,
Anita Gomez
-
Marketing Day 8
Anita Has Lots of Hooks
What I learned doing this assignment:
Danica Brahms: 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 13, 16, 17, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 26, 27, 28, 29, 37, 38, 40, 47, 51, 56, 58, 59, 62, 63, 65
Harley Wozniak: 25, 34, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 49, 52, 54, 60, 66, 69
Cyrus Kilner: 5, 7, 30, 31, 36, 39, 55, 61, 64, 70, 71
Make a list of ALL the hooks in your script.
1. Look through your script and make a list of all the hooks in your story. Number them.
1) VO – I should have died that day
2) Woman giving birth alone
3) Woman almost dies in childbirth
4) Danica introduced as super ambitious and successful
5) Cyrus introduced – a real player
6) Danica confronts Cyrus: “I’m pregnant”
7) He wants her to have an abortion
8) She quits her high-powered job
9) Danica’s sister Rebecca is super mom
10) Danica informs her sister Becky she’s pregnant and getting an abortion
11) Becky lays religious guilt trip on Danica
12) Danica goes to empty church and gets no help or answers
13) Danica leaves the state, considers suicide as she drives past Cyrus political billboard
14) Becky hosts prayer meeting in her home; ironically Bible study is all about pregnancy
15) Becky shows first signs of illness (genetic kidney disease)
16) Danica goes to Clinic for abortion
17) Danica’s conscience squeezed by religious protestors
18) Nurse mistakenly does heartbeat ultrasound instead of D&C prep
19) She can’t go through with abortion
20) Danica, hugely pregnant, has new job on bottom rung of legal practice
21) Danica’s apartment is devoid of baby prep
22) Her water breaks
23) Relive birthing scene, where she nearly dies because of only 1 strained kidney
24) Danica lives thru the birth, but rejects her newborn infant
25) Revealed: Baby born with 2 kidneys, but undersized
26) Danica requests pills to dry up her milk, and is judged by the nurse
27) Danica is home but can’t handle being a parent
28) She abandons the baby at a firehouse ‘Safe Haven’
29) Danica bestows only one thing on her daughter – her name, Harley, after Danica’s dad’s nickname
30) Cyrus is elected Judge
31) Both he and his wife Karen shown to be power hungry
32) New Judge Cyrus Kilner presides over an adoption proceeding – unbeknown to him, it’s his biological daughter, Harley
33) Irene & Peter Wozniak are doting adoptive parents
34) 7 years later: Harley’s birthday – frying ants she’s showing first real signs of psychological problems
35) Kilner nearly hit by a car (foreshadowing)
36) Cyrus sworn in as Appellate Court Judge
37) Danica, now an a women’s rights advocacy lawyer loses a case that would have allowed a teenager to have an abortion
38) She runs into Cyrus in the courthouse & brushes him off
39) Cyrus at home has shouting match with wife and teenaged son revealing his “perfect family” is a sham
40) Danica makes Partner in a prestigious law firm
41) Harley’s given a HS grad present (new car) from her parents
42) Harley attends homecoming game and poisons the school mascot, a bulldog
43) Harley’s parents are told by school she is troubled and needs help
44) Harley tells parents she’s been accepted into MIT and all is swept under the rug
45) Harley’s offered a prestigious job in a genetics lab
46) On her first day she’s shown to be clinically detached, with no emotions about animal experiments
47) Danica shows remorse over not having children (Christmastime)
48) At sister Becky’s, we are sure Becky is very sick
49) Harley has cold unemotional sex with co-worker, Josh
50) Harley uses lab to discover the identity of her biological parents
51) At Becky’s house – who is now gravely ill – Danica reveals she never had an abortion and that Harley exists
52) Harley discovers she’s pregnant and takes “Plan B” pills
53) Josh finds out and confronts Harley
54) She informs him she had an abortion and he freaks. She kicks him out
55) Cyrus appointed 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Court Judge, putting him in Danica’s professional orbit again
56) Danica starts showing signs of kidney disease
57) Rebecca dies
58) Danica told by doctor she needs a kidney transplant or will die
59) Danica researches online and discovers Harley’s location
60) Harley reads about her aunt’s death and decides to research her parents’ health and hatches a plan to get Cyrus’s kidney for Danica
61) Karen discovers Cyrus has a child (now grown Harley) out of wedlock and leaves him
62) Danica reaches out to Harley
63) Danica assigned to the most important case in her career, to argue against law banning abortions
64) Cyrus is assigned as one of the judges
65) Danica preps for her case; begins arguments; and under the physical and emotional stress passes out
66) Harley watches live stream of court case and sees Danica collapse.
67) Harley puts her plan in motion: to meet her mother and kill her father on the way (hit and run)
68) Danica awakens in the hospital with a new kidney, and totally disoriented
69) Harley arrives and gloats she killed Cyrus for her mom
70) TWIST: Cyrus wasn’t killed, only injured and shows up with the police who arrest Harley
71) It was Cyrus who arranged for Danica’s new kidney
2. Above that, make a list of your lead characters and tell which hooks describe something unique about those characters.
-
Marketing Day 7
Anita’s Logline and One-Sentence Phone Pitch
What I learned doing this assignment: Less is more. Focus on the hooks. Be prepared to tell your idea at any moment with your ‘elevator pitch’.
1. Write a logline for your screenplay for each of the 3 formulas:
a. Protagonist __has problem___ and ___must achieve goal__ to solve that problem.
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.
b. Protagonist has __a goal__ but ___major obstacle___ stands in his/her way.
An ambitious attorney gets pregnant through an affair with her married boss and must choose between abortion and abandoning her baby, later realizing she needs the now-grown daughter’s kidney to live.
c. (Situation) causes (main character) to face (largest obstacle) and (outcome).
The need for a kidney transplant propels an ambitious pro-rights attorney to seek out her abandoned now-grown daughter to save her life.
2. Write a one-sentence phone pitch for your screenplay. First tell us the biggest hook and then incorporate it into your one-sentence pitch.
Biggest Hook: Abortion rights is the hottest topic in today’s headlines.
Phone Pitch: Abortion rights is the hottest topic in today’s headlines and the complex issues swirling around the debate are examined through the lens of this one woman’s dreams and personal demons.
-
Never Posted this assignment….
Marketing Day 6 – What Makes my Story Marketable?
Anita’s Marketable Components
What I learned doing this assignment: Business Hooks and Story Hooks. This will be my mantra for marketing materials.
Pick two components and tell us how your script already fulfills them AND how you might highlight these two in order to elevate the pitch.
1. Tell us your current logline.
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.
2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick one or two that have the most potential for selling this script.
A. Unique.
B. True.
C. Timely — connected to some major trend or event.
D. It’s a first.
E. Ultimate.
F. Edgy.
G. Wide audience appeal.
H. Adapted from a popular book.
I. Similarity to a box-office success.
J. A great role for a bankable actor.
3. Do a quick brainstorm session about ways to elevate those two components for this script and tell us how you might pitch the script through the two components.
C. Timely – After Roe vs Wade was overturned by the Supreme Court, individual states are running with their own legislation banning abortions. It’s all over the news. I couldn’t do more to bring it any further into the public eye. One possible door to knock on is an organization that cares passionately about this topic that might want to produce a film? (long shot). That said, there are several actresses who are outspoken feminist activists who would likely love this script!
G. Wide Audience Appeal – Everyone in the <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>U.S.</st1:place></st1:country-region> (and beyond) has an opinion on the access to abortion issue. It is hotly debated and people fall passionately on either one side or the other. I wrote this script with various POV’s in mind – the pregnant mother who did not want the baby; the married father of the child who wanted her to have an abortion; the adoptive parents who desperately wanted a child; the legal system and its debaters; the Catholic Church; the religious conservative anti-abortion sister; pro-right activists, etc – are all reflected in some way within this story.
The unique and edgy components are that the child grows into a beautiful sociopath.
-
Neglected to post some assignments!
Here’s Day 5 Marketing Assignment.
Anita is Expanding her Network
What I learned doing this assignment: I am deferring a Twitter account. Had one a few years ago. Became a black hole for my time and wish to focus my energies elsewhere at this time. Maybe I’ll get more disciplined with my social media use in the future!
1. Looking over the Day 4 and 5 lessons, create a plan of at least 10 actions you are going to take in the next 60 days to build a strong social network and connect with producers.
– Stay connected with my PS81 contacts
– Join IMDB Pro and research targeting of producers that match my script
– Update my Stage 32 Bio and Profile and utilize the Writers Room
– Continue to Pitch appropriately via IMDB Pro
– Beef up my LinkedIn presence
– Connect with ScreenwritingU on social media platforms
– Revisit my existing screenplays and apply the tools learned in PS
– Write Query Letters
– Google myself and up my “buzz” presence
– Revisit my Twitter account; likely create a new one
2. Go to Twitter and look through our list of producers. Follow at least five of them that you feel comfortable meeting through Twitter. If you don’t have a Twitter account, sign up now. We use Twitter for many things in the PSA, so you’ll be ahead of the curve when you get there.
3. On the five producers you’ve followed on Twitter, read through their tweets and find something they’ve said that you can make a comment about.
4. Post the following:
A. Your plan (from #1 above)
B. Your Twitter address
C. The producers you followed,
D. Your experience of approaching producers this way.
-
Anita’s Career Plan
What I’ve Learned: Marketing myself and my work has always been the most difficult part of the process of writing (as I’m sure it is for most creatives). It can just feel overwhelming. And that’s why my number one goal is to secure a manager who can assist me in this process. That’s not to say I won’t be putting in the necessary work, because I am ready, willing, and able. But I am well aware of the time commitment in order to succeed. One reason I am being judicial about my time with social media (and not joining Twitter at this time) is that it can be a real time-and-energy suck for me. I don’t want to sap my creative energies and time with going down too many rabbit holes. So for me, it’s all about focus and balance. My previous contacts in LA are too old to resurrect; and my local contacts in <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Oregon</st1:place></st1:state> – while they’ve been great and added to my production credits – don’t provide me with enough contacts for selling my script. So, I am in essence starting from scratch in the selling arena. And although I have already put in substantial efforts into my career, I haven’t had the precise tools provided through this ProSeries. So now it’s time to employ those tools in a metered, targeted manner!
A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next six months?
1) To sell my current script, Life Choices for either theatrical release or to a streaming service.
2) To write the next concept I’ve had on the back burner (A family adventure), using the outlining and other methods learned in this class.
B. What are you going to do to elevate quality?
1) T.O.T.E. the process until ready for ‘Exit’, which includes asking for feedback from all the right sources.
2) Remember KAIZEN!
3) Continue my education.
C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts?
While this script (LIFE CHOICES) is my 8<sup>th</sup>, and I have one optioned, I have no hard sales to-date. I can now see where my other screenplays can be improved. And I need to elevate my loglines (EX: I have hundreds of hits on Inktip on my loglines, but only a few script requests.) In addition, I need to hone my various pitches and query letters.
D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)?
I write strong female leads, in various genres (drama, romance, dramedy, action. But not horror or straight-up comedy – which I haven’t tried yet, not believing these to be my forte.) I also have the advantage of maturity and many life experiences to enrich my story telling.
E. How are you going build a stronger network?
1) Use social media judiciously. Updating LinkedIn.
2) Network via on-line writing groups (like Stage 32).
3) Become a part of ProSeries Alum group / and other PSA opportunities
4) Continue to reach out to Indie producers (as some of my works suits this arena best)
5) Get more pro-active with Inktip Pro
F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business?
I just joined IMDB-PRO
Areas I need more info about: when reaching out to a larger production company or talent, where do I start? (Their reps, agent, manager, etc)
G. How are you going to market yourself and your writing?
Send out Query Letters
And in general, get more PRO-ACTIVE!
-
OOPS! Forgot to post this!
PS81 Marketing Module Day 9
Anita’s Query Letter
A Query to Social Advocate Film Producers:
Ripped from today’s headlines: “Unable to access an abortion a woman abandons her baby at birth”. LIFE CHOICES follows that woman’s journey into her future when she learns that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her on a gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted.
SYNOPSIS: Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley – exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge.
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at a genetics lab where database access allows her to stalk and discover both her biological parents’ identities and their health needs and histories. Here Harley plots to save her mother.
Danica’s difficulty in accessing her own reproductive health care has defined her as a fierce choice advocate. She climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s doctor informs her she needs a kidney transplant due to acute kidney disease. Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments. The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter.
Harley agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus. TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
BIO: As a mother of three daughters, who has also experienced two miscarriages, I (like millions of women) feel passionately about the topic of reproductive rights. I am an optioned screenwriter who has experience working with producers. I have written eight feature film screenplays, two of which have won Finalist and Best Screenplay recognition in three different festivals. My stories span various genres but all have strong female leads. My various film credits can be found here on IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2874540/?ref_=nv_sr_3?ref_=nv_sr_3
If this story resonates with you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
CONTACT: email // phone
Very Best Regards,
Anita Gomez
-
ANITA KNOWS TOTE
What I learned: Test / Operate / Test / Exit – a good mantra! There’s always room for improvement not only on script drafts, but tweaking strategies. I like the phrase, “testing quality”. QC – Quality Control is what a good business does. This is the business side of writing, and I have heretofore been very scattershot about my tactics. Time to focus and apply consistent practices!
1. Look into the future and tell us how you are going to use the TOTE Process with…
A. Your script:
Not sending it out before it’s ready!
Get Professional Coverage
Post on Inktip Pro & pitch where appropriate
Roadmap Writers – pitching
Stage 32 – pitching (both written and via Skype)
Approach Managers for representation.
Enter appropriate contests
B. Your query letters.
TOTE and re-TOTE
Create a visual Pitch Deck
Really TARGETING who I should pitch
Target mid-range producers and actors who have shown an interest in social issues.
Research and Target producers who have connections to actors with an interest in abortion rights.
C. Building your network.
Create and build my Brand and promote it.
PROFESSIONAL SITE MEMBERSHIPS:
Screenwritingstaffing.com – review job listings and apply
OMPA (<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Oregon</st1:state></st1:place> Media & Production Assoc.)
SOCIAL MEDIA:
LinkedIn – update profile
Facebook
Instagram
Twitter (TBD)
NETWORKING:
SU Alum
-
ANITA’S QUERY LETTER, VERSION TWO
A Query to Social Advocate Film Producers:
Ripped from today’s headlines: “Unable to access an abortion a woman abandons her baby at birth”. LIFE CHOICES follows that woman’s journey into her future when she learns that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her on a gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted.
SYNOPSIS: Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley – exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge.
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at a genetics lab where database access allows her to stalk and discover both her biological parents’ identities and their health needs and histories. Here Harley plots to save her mother.
Danica’s difficulty in accessing her own reproductive health care has defined her as a fierce choice advocate. She climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s doctor informs her she needs a kidney transplant due to acute kidney disease. Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments. The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter.
Harley agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus. TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
BIO: As a mother of three daughters, who has also experienced two miscarriages, I (like millions of women) feel passionately about the topic of reproductive rights. I am an optioned screenwriter who has experience working with producers. I have written eight feature film screenplays, two of which have won Finalist and Best Screenplay recognition in three different festivals. My stories span various genres but all have strong female leads. My various film credits can be found here on IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2874540/?ref_=nv_sr_3?ref_=nv_sr_3
If this story resonates with you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
CONTACT: Name, email, phone number
Very Best Regards,
Anita Gomez
-
ANITA’S QUERY LETTER
Hi All,
I disappeared for two weeks while my daughter and grandchildren were visiting from Scotland after 4 years away (priorities). But I’m here now and would love feedback on my Query Letter!
Thanks, -Anita
Dear Film Producer,
Ripped from today’s headlines: “Unable to access an abortion a woman abandons her baby at birth”. LIFE CHOICES follows that woman’s journey into her future when she learns that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her on a gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted.
Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’ fire station. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley, exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge. When his wife Karen discovers through genetic home testing kits that Cyrus has a child out of wedlock she leaves him.
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at the same genetics lab that uncovered Cyrus’ illegitimate child – who is Harley. Because of her job’s database access Harley discovers both her biological parents’ identities and their health histories.
Danica also climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s sister dies from familial acute kidney disease and Danica is told by her doctor of her own need for a kidney transplant. Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments. The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter.
Harley, aware of both parents’ identities and their medical histories, agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus. TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
As a mother of three daughters, who has also experienced two miscarriages, I (like millions of women) feel passionately about the topic of reproductive rights. I am an optioned screenwriter who has experience working with producers. I have written eight feature film screenplays, two of which have won Finalist and Best Screenplay recognition in three different festivals. My stories span various genres but all have strong female leads. My film credits can be found on IMDB at: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2874540/?ref_=nv_sr_3?ref_=nv_sr_3
If this story resonates with you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Very Best Regards,
Anita Gomez
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
-
Anita’s Network
What I learned doing this assignment: I worked in <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>L.A.</st1:place></st1:city> years ago in post production on TV Series and Documentaries. But these contacts are years old, and I have not included them here. So I have a lot of work to do to beef up my current network!
ProSeries
C2 June Fortunato
C2 Lisa Long
C2 Kate Hawkes
C2 Dev Ross
C2 Dana Abbott
C2 Alice Eden
C2 Anna Harper
C2 Cameron Martin
C2 Michael Katz
C2 Antonio Flores
C2 Michael O’Keefe
SU Alumni
C3 Hal C
C3 Cheryl C
Other writing groups:
None at this time.
Industry groups:
C3 Stage 32 Writer’s Room
C2 Roadmap Warriors
C3 Inktip Pro
Worked with on a movie:
C3 Debbie
C3 Gary K
C3 Gary L
C1 Leslie
C3 Annie
C4 Arielle
C3 Brett
C4 Martin
C3 Krista
C3 Pat
C3 Dave M
C3 Ray
C3 Levi
C3 <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Kent</st1:place></st1:country-region>
C3 Jes
C4 <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Cal</st1:place></st1:state>
Who knows someone inside the industry:
C3 Rocky
C3 <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Gary</st1:place></st1:city>
C2 Patricia
C3 <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Tyler</st1:place></st1:city>
C3 Chris V.
C4 Ginny
Friends and Family:
C1 Various – Cheerleaders
Connected to on Twitter, Facebook, or LinkedIn that knows someone:
Various.
What Potential do I see in this network? I have knocked on many of these doors for some time, mining, networking. Others would be new sources to connect with and springboard from.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
-
Anita’s Marketing Campaign
What I learned doing this assignment: There were a variety of tactics and strategies I had not considered before this assignment, which I will now employ. Having the ability to change tactics and strategies along the way reminds me to keep the main goal in mind while remaining flexible.
1. Tell us your main goal in your overall Campaign statement.
To sell my high-concept, mid-budget script LIFE CHOICES within the next year to a production company for theatrical or streaming release.
2. Make a list of your main strategies.
Create and build my Brand and promote it.
Target mid-range producers and actors who have shown an interest in social issues.
Research and Target producers who have connections to actors with an interest in abortion rights.
Approach Managers for possible representation.
Pitch Online via Stage 32 and Roadmap Writers either in writing or by Skype.
3. Make a list of tactics that fit your strategies and campaign.
Send query letters
Enter contests
Have as many people as possible read my script
List my script on Inktip.com
Chat my script up on Stage 32 Writer’s Room
Request invitation to join Hal’s LinkedIn network
Join Twitter and follow producers I wish to connect with
Perhaps get coverage from Blacklist
5. Use your Word program, make the campaign look pretty, and put it up on the wall in front of you.
Not sure what this means? But I do intend to create a Pitch Deck (via CANVA) for the screenplay and keep that visual representation in front of me.
-
Anita’s Target Market
Title: Life Choices
Logline: A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.
Genre: Psychological Drama / Courtroom Drama
What I learned doing this assignment: Nailing the genre is actually tricky for me to do as my story is hybrid. It’s really a cross-over so I considered psychological thrillers and courtroom dramas, as well as films dealing with social justice topics. The exercise of finding producers this way was simple, straight-forward and awesome. I am behind on posting my assignments, having been away for 2 weeks, so I am only posting the films and actors here, and will go back and research the associated producers as time allows in the following few days.
1. Make a list of five or more movies that are similar to yours and five actors that you might want to play your lead characters. Then, 2. Using the Targeting process above, go to http://www.imdb.com and find 20 to 100 producers for your specific project.
Similar Films:
GONE GIRL
THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN
THE WOMAN IN THE WINDOW
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>SHUTTER</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>ISLAND</st1:placetype></st1:place>
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>MYSTIC</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>RIVER</st1:placetype></st1:place>
PROMISING YOUNG WOMAN
ONE HOUR PHOTO
SINGLE WHITE FEMALE
THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE
SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY
ON THE BASIS OF SEX
ERIN BROCKOVICH
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>PHILADELPHIA</st1:place></st1:city>
THE ACCUSED
THE PEOPLE vs. LARRY FLINT
I CARE A LOT
Possible Actors for my Characters:
DANICA BRAHMS:
FELICITY JONES
ROSAMUND PIKE
JENNIFER LAWRENCE
NATALIE PORTMAN
EMILY BLUNT
OLIVIA WILDE
EMMA STONE
BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD
KIRSTEN DUNST
HARLEY WOZNIAK:
SOPHIE TURNER
ZOE KRAVITZ
KATHERINE LANGFORD
ELLE FANNING
NINA DOBREV
AMANDA SEYFRIED
CYRUS KILNER:
OSCAR ISAAC
SCOTT CLINT EASTWOOD
THOMAS GRANT GUSTIN
DAVID JOHN FRANCO
Theodore Peter James Kinnaird Taptiklis
Bill Istvan Günther Skarsgård
Daniel Jonathan Stevens
Samuel George Claflin
Nicholas Caradoc Hoult
Henry William Dalgliesh Cavill
Andrew Russell Garfield
-
Anita’s Project and Market
What I learned today: Put my business hat on and think like a producer.
Logline and genre: Psychological Drama. A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.
The most attractive thing about my story: It’s a very hot topic, in the news daily.
Tell us which you will target first — agent, manager, producer, or actor and how your script fits what they need and want: I will target mid-level Indie Producers with connections to streamers like Netflix. This is a very marketable concept with a fresh hook.
-
(PS 81) ANITA’S 1<sup>ST</sup> 10 PAGES – READY TO EXCHANGE CRITIQUES!
SYNOPSIS
Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’ fire station. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley, exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge. When his wife Karen discovers thru genetic home testing kits that Cyrus has a child out of wedlock she leaves him.
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at the same genetics lab that uncovered Cyrus’ illegitimate child – who is Harley. Because of her job’s database access Harley discovers both her biological parents’ identities and their health histories.
Danica also climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s sister dies from familial acute kidney disease and Danica is told by her doctor of her own need for a kidney transplant. Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments. The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter.
Harley, aware of both parents’ identities and their medical histories, agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus. TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
LIFE CHOICES
FADE IN:
INT. LUXURY HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A COUPLE are in the throes of hot sex. We only see glimpses: A WOMAN’s unadorned left hand bunching the sheets in passion; A MAN’s back beaded in sweat. His left hand tangles in her long curly brown hair offsetting the gold glint of his wedding ring.
Ecstatic MOANS, and then he collapses his full weight on the willowy 20-something.
We don’t see her face as she unceremoniously shoves him off, but we get our first look of CYRUS KILNER’s 30-something fine-looking, satisfied face. He sits up and clips on his Rolex watch.
CYRUS
You available this time next week?
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
A WOMAN is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of SEVERAL NURSES, an OB/GYN, and A PEDIATRIC SPECIALIST – all buzzing around the room, alongside a waiting incubator.
But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth.
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face, only that she has short blonde hair.
HARLEY (UNSEEN, V.O.)
I could have died that day.
(beat)
And maybe I should have.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
WOMAN
NO!
She SCREAMS in agony.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can do this!
Another intense contraction hits her and the woman pushes with grunts and gritted teeth.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
AAAHHHH!
OB/GYN
You might be willing but your system is under a huge amount of stress. You might lose your remaining kidney function if we don’t –
WOMAN
(in pain)
Nooo — !!!
As he speaks the <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> grabs the short stool and swivels into position between her stirrup-ed knees to check her progress.
OB/GYN
We talked about this….
The woman SCREAMS again, giving another mighty push.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Okay… it looks like we’re having it your way, the baby’s crowning –
The already lively room swings into immediate action.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Ok, give me one more push!
She does, and after a moment of collectively held breath we hear an infant’s thin wail.
The <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> hands the baby over to the waiting pediatrician for assessment.
An alarmed nurse tends to the mother…
NURSE
Doctor, she’s unconscious!
FAST CUT TO:
SUPER: 7 Months Ago
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
A petite blonde with short hair dressed in an impeccable suit stands at the head of a conference table populated by junior ‘suits’. DANICA is a tight little package both physically and emotionally.
She’s conducting a meeting like a maestro conducts an orchestra – with crisp staccato instructions meted out with an efficiency that brooks no interruption or questions.
DANICA
Do you want to re-litigate a case we already won!? Hell no! We fought that battle last year. We never turn back.
Someone catches her attention through the glass wall and breaks her concentration.
It’s CYRUS KILNER, the head partner of what we can now see is a sizable bustling law firm.
Cyrus swaggers by the conference room charming various assistants and secretaries along the way dispensing ready smiles, schmoozing and oozing a charismatic masculine presence.
CONFERENCE ATTENDEE
(Interrupting her reverie)
Danica? So who are you assigning to the Ryder case?
Danica’s attention swings back to the meeting at hand.
DANICA
Umm… let me get back to you. That’s all for now.
She closes her leather portfolio, marches from the room leaving the others puzzled – this abrupt departure with unfinished business is not like her, and they notice.
Danica follows the path Cyrus took but without any of the social niceties along the way. She’s all brisk business.
She gets to the end of the hall and stops at the closed oak door whose gold embossed plaque reads:
Cyrus Kilner, Partner
Danica’s uncharacteristic hesitation belies her nervousness.
Then she throws the door open with conviction and enters Cyrus’s office.
He’s on the phone and looks up, surprised. Danica quietly closes and locks the door behind her.
CYRUS
(into the phone)
I have to call you back.
He hangs up. A sly smile spreads across his face. He stands and takes a slow walk to Danica who’s just standing there with her back against the closed door, hands on handle.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Well isn’t this a nice surprise. Couldn’t wait until after hours? We haven’t snuck in a daytime quickie before. How quiet do you think we can be?
Now he’s standing directly in front of Danica. But as he puts his hands on her shoulders she shrugs him off and storms away.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Playing hard to get?
Danica doesn’t answer, just paces the large well-appointed office. She picks up and puts down a few expensive-looking pieces of art tastefully incorporated around the room. Cyrus watches her, wary now.
Finally she whirls to face him, chin up.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Cyrus looks sucker-punched.
CYRUS
What!? How –
DANICA
The usual way.
(beat)
It must have happened when I changed my prescription. I guess the pill isn’t as reliable as death or taxes.
CYRUS
We can’t –
DANICA
There is no “we” in this Cyrus.
Now it’s Cyrus’ turn to pace the room like a caged animal.
CYRUS
Right. But you know I can’t have this – it would ruin me – my marriage, my career –
He looks over his shoulder to her.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Our career. Your career.
He goes to her, now trying a soft reasonable tone.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Dani, we can take care of this. I know a private doctor –
DANICA
(laughing derisively)
Oh that’s rich. You were on the state legislature when the current anti-abortion bill was signed into law. You gloated over that for weeks! Or don’t you remember all that posturing over hearing the baby’s heartbeat making life real, etc, etc.
Cyrus looks panicked. He starts sputtering . . .
CYRUS
That was meant to… that’s different… how far along are you?
DANICA (CONT.)
Unfortunately for you and your fucking law, just over 6 weeks. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. I’ll just have to leave the state to do it.
There’s a long pause between them. It is the sound of an affair ending and two people seeing each other for who they really are.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Consider this my notice.
Without another word Danica goes to the office door, calmly unlocks it, and before SLAMMING it in his face, tosses over her shoulder, loud enough for the office pool to hear –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Oh, and say hi to Karen and the kids for me.
EXT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
After knocking with no answer Danica walks into her sister’s comfortably chaotic middle-class home.
INT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Danica steps over toys on her way to the kitchen where REBECCA, poster gal for soccer mom of the year, stirs something on the stove while humming to the baby propped comfortably on her hip as a toddler bangs pots at her feet.
DANICA
Beck?
Her sister looks up with both surprise and pleasure at seeing Danica.
REBECCA
Dani! I didn’t hear you come in. Here.
Rebecca unceremoniously hands the baby over to her sister so she can season what’s on the stove.
Danica holds the child awkwardly and perches it on her hip, not inward, but looking outward.
DANICA
Beck, I need to talk.
REBECCA
Sure. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. What’s up?
Danica starts juggling the baby on her hip who has started to whimper. The toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
DANICA
Rebecca, I need to talk to you NOW! Can you stop with the kids and the cooking already!?
REBECCA
Ooo-kay –
Rebecca turns off the stove and takes the fussy baby from Dani. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging hits the obnoxious level.
DANICA
For god’s sake, can’t they be quiet for ONE FUCKING MINUTE!?
REBECCA (O/S)
Ted!
Rebecca’s cute but harried HUSBAND TED is barely in the room when she hands him the now crying baby, steps over the toddler, and leads a seething Dani by the elbow out onto the back patio.
EXT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
The sisters sit at a picnic table. Rebecca waits expectantly while Danica nervously brushes at some leaves.
Then she just blurts it out.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Her sister is truly surprised and momentarily speechless.
REBECCA
I didn’t even know you were seeing someone!
(changes course)
Oh, but how wonderful!
She goes in to hug Danica, who brushes her aside.
DANICA
No. NOT wonderful. I don’t want it. And neither does he.
(beat)
I’m not having it.
REBECCA
You’re not – but you can’t mean it –
DANICA
Yes. I DO mean it. I can’t get it done here with this heinous ‘hearbeat law’, so I’m going over the border to <st1:city w:st=”on”>Lafayette</st1:city> or <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Baton Rouge</st1:place></st1:city> and will be out of town. In fact, I might move there permanently, if I can find the right law firm.
(something occurs to her)
Shit. That means I’d have to pass the <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:place></st1:state> state bar.
(sighs heavily)
Well – I just thought you should know.
Rebecca looks stunned. Then she takes a deep breath and gathers herself.
REBECCA
Dani, I know this must all seem overwhelming in the moment, but you’ll get your bearings and then the sheer joy of creating this precious life will settle in and –
DANICA
No. There is no joy. And there won’t be any –
REBECCA
But the moment you hold your baby you’ll feel differently – it’s like falling in love –
DANICA
(laughs bitterly)
I don’t know what that feels like. Look Beck – my life isn’t like yours. I don’t have the white-picket-fence husband-family gene, and frankly have no appetite for it. I chose a law career. That’s MY path, and I won’t have some mistake interfere with that.
Rebecca reaches out to hold Dani’s hand.
REBECCA
(with soft compassion)
It’s not a mistake, it’s a baby.
Danica rises to go, forceful in her rejection of Rebecca’s pleas.
DANICA
No! It’s NOT a baby… it’s just a collection of cells, an embryo… an unwanted alien object intruding on MY life!
Rebecca stands too, desperate to persuade her sister against an abortion.
REBECCA
Think Dani! we grew up in the same church – what does it teach us -What would mom and dad say?
DANICA
(coldly)
Unlike you, I left the church years ago. And mom and dad are dead.
The words are like a slap and Rebecca recoils as if hit.
DANICA (CONT’D)
(more gently)
Beck, we’re the only family each of us has now. And you already risked your life, TWICE, each time you had a kid. You may have been born with two kidneys to my one, but they’re weak… and well, frankly I do not intend to put my life on the line for a child I DO NOT want.
REBECCA
But Dani, I didn’t die… and there’s always adoption –
Danica cuts her off by striding away.
REBECCA (CONT’D)
(pleading)
Please don’t do this thing, I beg you! I promise, you’ll grow to love the child –
DANICA
I didn’t come here for a debate. I just wanted to let you know why I’ll be gone. Goodbye Beck.
A stoic Danica walks away leaving her tear-streaked sister behind.
INT. DANICA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Danica’s surrounded by several packed boxes. She’s yanking clothes off their hangers out of the closet and throwing them into an open suitcase on the bed.
She’s SO ANGRY she starts to cry – tears of frustration, feelings of entrapment –
DANICA
God DAMMIT!
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st=”on”>CATHOLIC</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>CHURCH</st1:placetype></st1:place> – LATER THAT NIGHT
Danica sits alone in an empty church.
No one approaches her.
DANICA
(bitterly, to herself)
An empty house for an empty heart, with nothing but empty answers.
Her words echo and bounce.
Abruptly she stands and marches down the aisle, out the doors and into the black night.
EXT. HIGHWAY – LATER STILL, THAT NIGHT
Danica’s driving a packed car – fleeing her state, escaping <st1:state w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:state> for <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place>.
<st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>2-lane State Road</st1:address></st1:street> 90 is pitch dark with no other traffic at this hour. Signs indicate HWY 10 to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> is up ahead.
SUDDENLY Danica’s headlights catch a giant billboard depicting Cyrus Kilner, his beautiful wife KAREN and their two young children, proclaiming:
VOTE Cyrus Kilner for Judge!
A Family Man with Family Values!
It’s disorienting to see his smug face larger than life in this moment.
Dani’s laugh is bitter as she drives toward the billboard and in a moment of deep darkness veers along the edge of the pavement looking as if she’s headed right into the sign’s posts –
-
PS81 Day 4 (First 10 Pages) Anita’s Great First Page
What I learned: Spent some real time examining every word I chose.
First Page of: ‘LIFE CHOICES’
FADE IN:
INT. LUXURY HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A COUPLE are in the throes of hot sex. We only see glimpses: A WOMAN’s unadorned left hand bunching the sheets in passion; A MAN’s back beaded in sweat. His left hand tangles in her long curly brown hair offsetting the gold glint of his wedding ring.
Ecstatic MOANS, and then he collapses his full weight on the willowy 20-something.
We don’t see her face as she unceremoniously shoves him off, but we get our first look of CYRUS KILNER’s 30-something fine-looking, satisfied face. He sits up and clips on his Rolex watch.
CYRUS
You available this time next week?
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
A WOMAN is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of SEVERAL NURSES, an OB/GYN, and A PEDIATRIC SPECIALIST – all buzzing around the room, alongside a waiting incubator.
But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth.
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face, only that she has short blonde hair.
HARLEY (UNSEEN, V.O.)
I could have died that day.
(beat)
And maybe I should have.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
PS81 Day 4 (First 10 Pages) Anita’s Rough Draft
What I learned: My twist happens on page 4. It WAS on page 3 – but then in a previous assignment I added a bit up front. SO I am not going to change anything here, but I look forward to the critiques!
Also, I consider my “inciting incident” Danica’s decision to have an abortion…. But she is conflicted about it. Then several twists follow this (she can’t go thru with it; then has the baby and almost dies; then abandons the infant at a shelter; then later in life regrets all this; until the end when she regrets having Harley at all).
Rough Draft of First 10 Pages of: ‘LIFE CHOICES’
FADE IN:
INT. UPSCALE HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A COUPLE are in the throes of hot sex. We only see glimpses: A woman’s unadorned left hand bunching the sheets in passion; A man’s back beaded in sweat. His left hand runs through her long brown hair offsetting the gold glint of his wedding ring.
Ecstatic MOANS, and then he collapses his full weight on the willowy 20-something.
We don’t see her face as she unceremoniously shoves him off, but we get our first look of CYRUS KILNER’s 30-something fine-looking, satisfied face.
CYRUS
You available this time next week?
CUT TO:
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
A WOMAN is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of SEVERAL NURSES, an OB/GYN, and A PEDIATRIC SPECIALIST – all buzzing around the room, alongside a waiting incubator.
But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth.
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face, only that she has short blonde hair.
HARLEY (UNSEEN) NARRATES (V.O.)
I could have died that day.
(beat)
And maybe I should have.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
WOMAN
NO!
She SCREAMS in agony.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can do this!
Another intense contraction hits her and the woman pushes with grunts and gritted teeth.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
AAAHHHH!
OB/GYN
You might be willing but your system is under a huge amount of stress. You might lose the remaining kidney function if we don’t –
WOMAN
(in pain)
Nooo — !!!
As he speaks the <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> grabs the short stool and swivels into position between her stirrup-ed knees to check her progress.
OB/GYN
We talked about this….
The woman SCREAMS again, giving another mighty push.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Okay… it looks like we’re having it your way, the baby’s crowning –
The already lively room swings into immediate action.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Ok, give me one more push!
She does, and after a moment of collectively held breath we hear an infant’s thin wail.
The <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> hands the baby over to the waiting pediatrician for assessment.
A nurse tends to the mother…
NURSE
(alarmed)
Doctor, she’s unconscious!
CUT TO:
SUPER: 7 Months Ago
FAST CUT TO:
SUPER: 7 Months Ago
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
A petite blonde dressed in an impeccable expensive suit stands at the head of a conference table populated by junior ‘suits’. DANICA is a tight little package both physically and emotionally.
She’s conducting a meeting like a maestro conducts an orchestra – with crisp staccato instructions meted out with an efficiency that brooks no interruption or questions.
DANICA
Do you want to re-litigate a case we already won!? Hell no! We fought that battle last year. We never turn back.
Someone catches her attention through the glass wall and breaks her concentration.
It’s CYRUS KILNER, the head partner of what we can now see is a sizable bustling law firm. Cyrus swaggers by the conference room charming various assistants and secretaries along the way dispensing ready smiles, schmoozing and oozing a charismatic masculine presence.
CONFERENCE ATTENDEE
(Interrupting her reverie)
Danica? So who are you assigning to the Ryder case?
Danica’s attention swings back to the meeting at hand.
DANICA
Umm… let me get back to you. That’s all for now.
She closes her leather portfolio and marches from the room leaving the others to look around puzzled – this abrupt departure with unfinished business is not like her, and they notice.
Danica follows the path Cyrus took but without any of the social niceties along the way. She’s all brisk business. She gets to the end of the hall and stops in front of the closed heavy wood door whose plaque reads, “Cyrus Kilner, Partner”.
Danica’s uncharacteristic hesitation belies her nervousness.
Then she throws the door open with conviction and enters Cyrus’s office.
He’s on the phone and looks up, surprised. Danica quietly closes and locks the door behind her.
CYRUS
(into the phone)
I have to call you back.
He hangs up and a sly smile spreads across his face. He stands and takes a slow walk to Danica who’s just standing there with her back against the closed door, hands on handle.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Well isn’t this a nice surprise. Couldn’t wait until after hours? We haven’t snuck in a quickie before. How quiet do you think we can be?
Now he’s standing directly in front of Danica. But as he puts his hands on her shoulders she shrugs him off and storms away.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Playing hard to get?
Danica doesn’t answer, just paces the large well-appointed office. She picks up and puts down a few expensive-looking pieces of art tastefully incorporated around the room. Cyrus watches her, wary now.
Finally she whirls to face him, chin up.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Cyrus looks sucker-punched.
CYRUS
What!? How –
DANICA
The usual way.
(beat)
It must have happened when I changed my prescription. I guess the pill isn’t as reliable as death or taxes.
CYRUS
We can’t –
DANICA
There is no “we” in this Cyrus.
Now it’s Cyrus’ turn to pace the room like a caged animal.
CYRUS
Right. But you know I can’t have this – it would ruin me – my marriage, my career –
He looks over his shoulder to her.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Our career. Your career.
He goes to her, now trying a soft reasonable tone.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Dani, we can take care of this. I know a private doctor –
DANICA
(laughing derisively)
Oh that’s rich. You were on the state legislature when the current anti-abortion bill was signed into law. You gloated over that for weeks! Or don’t you remember all that posturing over hearing the baby’s heartbeat making life real, etc, etc.
Cyrus looks panicked. He starts sputtering . . .
CYRUS
That was meant to… that’s different… how far along are you?
DANICA (CONT.)
Unfortunately for you and your fucking law, just over 6 weeks. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. I’ll just have to leave the state to do it.
There’s a long pause between them. It is the sound of an affair ending and two people seeing each other for who they really are.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Consider this my notice.
Without another word Danica goes to the office door, calmly unlocks it, and before SLAMMING it in his face, tosses over her shoulder, loud enough for the office pool to hear –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Oh, and say hi to Karen and the kids for me.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
After knocking with no answer Danica walks into her sister’s comfortably chaotic middle-class home.
She must step over several toys on her way to the kitchen where her ‘soccer-mom’ sister REBECCA is stirring something on the stove with one toddler banging pots at her feet, while humming to the 9-month-old propped comfortably on her hip.
DANICA
Beck?
Her sister looks up with both surprise and pleasure at seeing Danica.
REBECCA
Dani! I didn’t hear you come in. Here.
Rebecca unceremoniously hands the baby over to her sister so she can season what’s on the stove.
Danica holds the child awkwardly and perches it on her hip, not inward, but looking outward.
DANICA
Beck, I need to talk.
REBECCA
Sure. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. What’s up?
Danica starts juggling the baby on her hip who has started to whimper. The toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
DANICA
Rebecca, I need to talk to you NOW! Can you stop with the kids and the cooking already!?
REBECCA
Ooo-kay –
Rebecca turns off the stove and takes the fussy baby from Dani. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging hits the obnoxious level.
DANICA
For god’s sake, can’t they be quiet for ONE FUCKING MINUTE!?
REBECCA (O/S)
Ted!
Rebecca’s HUSBAND TED is barely in the room when she hands him the now crying baby, steps over the toddler, and leads a seething Dani by the elbow out onto the back patio.
EXT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
The sisters sit at a picnic table. Rebecca waits expectantly while Danica nervously brushes at some leaves.
Then she just blurts it out.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Her sister is truly surprised and momentarily speechless.
REBECCA
I didn’t even know you were seeing someone!
(beat/changes course)
Oh, but how wonderful!
She goes in to hug Danica, who brushes her aside.
DANICA
No. NOT wonderful. I don’t want it. And neither does he.
(beat)
I’m not having it.
REBECCA
You’re not – but you can’t mean it –
DANICA
I DO mean it. I can’t get it done here with this heinous ‘hearbeat law’, so I’m going over the border to <st1:city w:st=”on”>Lafayette</st1:city> or <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Baton Rouge</st1:place></st1:city> and will be out of town. In fact, I might move there permanently, if I can find the right law firm.
(something occurs to her)
Shit. That means I’d have to pass the <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:place></st1:state> state bar.
(sighs heavily)
Well – I just thought you should know.
Rebecca looks stunned. Then she takes a deep breath and gathers herself.
REBECCA
Dani, I know this must all seem overwhelming in the moment, but you’ll get your bearings and then the sheer joy of creating this precious life will settle in and –
DANICA
No. There is no joy. And there won’t be any –
REBECCA
But the moment you hold your baby you’ll feel differently – it’s like falling in love –
DANICA
(laughs bitterly)
I don’t know what that feels like. Look Beck – my life isn’t like yours. I don’t have the white-picket-fence husband-family gene, and frankly have no appetite for it. I chose a law career. That’s MY path, and I won’t have some mistake interfere with that.
REBECCA reaches out to hold Dani’s hand.
REBECCA
(with soft compassion)
It’s not a mistake, it’s a baby.
Danica rises to go, forceful in her rejection of Rebecca’s pleas.
DANICA
No! It’s NOT a baby… it’s just a collection of cells, an embryo… an unwanted alien object intruding on MY life!
Rebecca stands too, desperate to persuade her sister against an abortion.
REBECCA
Think Dani! we grew up in the same church – what does it teach us…. What would mom and dad say?
DANICA
(coldly)
Unlike you, I left the church years ago. And mom and dad are dead.
The words are like a slap and Rebecca recoils as if hit.
DANICA (CONT’D)
(more gently)
Beck, we’re the only family each of us has now. And you already risked your life, TWICE, each time you had a kid. You may have been born with two kidneys to my one, but they’re weak… and well, frankly I do not intend to put my life on the line for a child I DO NOT want.
REBECCA
But Dani, I didn’t die… and there’s always adoption –
Danica cuts her off by walking away.
REBECCA (CONT’D)
(pleading)
Please don’t do this thing, I beg you! I promise, you’ll grow to love the child –
DANICA
I didn’t come here for a debate. I just wanted to let you know why I’ll be gone. Goodbye Beck.
A stoic Danica leaves her sister who has tears streaming down her face.
INT. DANICA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Danica’s surrounded by several packed boxes. She’s yanking clothes off their hangers out of the closet and throwing them into an open suitcase on the bed.
She’s SO ANGRY she starts to cry – tears of frustration, feelings of entrapment –
DANICA
God DAMMIT!
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st=”on”>CATHOLIC</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>CHURCH</st1:placetype></st1:place> – LATER THAT NIGHT
Danica sits alone in an empty church.
No one approaches her.
DANICA
(bitterly, to herself)
An empty house for an empty heart, with nothing but empty answers.
Her words echo and bounce.
She stands abruptly and marches down the aisle and out the doors into the night.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica’s driving a packed car – fleeing her state, escaping to <st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state> where the abortion laws are slightly more lenient than <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state>.
The 2-lane state road is pitch dark with no other traffic at this hour.
SUDDENLY Danica’s headlights catch a giant billboard depicting Cyrus Kilner, his wife Karen and their two young children, proclaiming:
VOTE Cyrus Kilner for Judge!
A Family Man with Family Values!
It’s disorienting to see his smug face larger than life in this moment.
Dani’s laugh is bitter as she drives toward the billboard and in a moment of deep darkness veers along the edge of the pavement looking as if she’s headed right into the sign’s posts –
DANICA
– death by billboard –
Her laughter turns to tears with touches of hysteria –
-
PS81 Day 3 (First 10 Pages) Anita’s Opening Scene is Irresistible!
What I learned: I added two elements to what I had previously thought of as a really good, solid opening. Now there is the prequel moment where we see Cyrus having hotel sex with an anonymous woman (not his wife and not Danica). Then, during the childbirth (original opening scene) we hear Harley’s V.O. musing about how she could have died that day (and maybe should have) – but not yet revealing this voice isn’t Danica, the birth mother under duress, but the child, Harley. I keep worrying that I am over-writing this. That it is becoming too formulaic. It will be good to get feedback!!
ASSIGNMENT
Write an opening scene that follows the Rules of a Great Opening.
Rule 1: Be provocative. (Illicit Sex)
Rule 2: Either the main character or the antagonist or both should be introduced within the first 5 pages, preferably on the first page. (Cyrus; then Danica)
Rule 3: Make sure it is fresh. (both the steamy sex and the baby’s birth seem dangerous and anonymous)
Rule 4: The opening must fit the story. (Affair = unplanned baby)
Rule 5: The opening must create story questions. (Why is this married man having sex in a hotel, and with whom? Who is giving birth? Does the woman die? Who is the narrator?)
Rule 6: The opening introduces the “story world” with some unique action. (Current day. Middle-to-upper class professional people in intense circumstances that have to do with the consequences of sex.)
4. Write the scene.
First opening scene(s), or 3 pages of: ‘LIFE CHOICES’
FADE IN:
INT. UPSCALE HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A COUPLE are in the throes of hot sex. We only see glimpses: A woman’s unadorned left hand bunching the sheets in passion; A man’s back beaded in sweat. His left hand runs through her long brown hair offsetting the gold glint of his wedding ring.
Ecstatic MOANS, and then he collapses his full weight on the willowy 20-something.
We don’t see her face as she unceremoniously shoves him off, but we get our first look of CYRUS KILNER’s 30-something fine-looking, satisfied face.
CYRUS
You available this time next week?
CUT TO:
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
A WOMAN is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of SEVERAL NURSES, an OB/GYN, and A PEDIATRIC SPECIALIST – all buzzing around the room, alongside a waiting incubator.
But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth.
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face, only that she has short blonde hair.
HARLEY (UNSEEN) NARRATES (V.O.)
I could have died that day.
(beat)
And maybe I should have.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
WOMAN
NO!
She SCREAMS in agony.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can do this!
Another intense contraction hits her and the woman pushes with grunts and gritted teeth.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
AAAHHHH!
OB/GYN
You might be willing but your system is under a huge amount of stress. You might lose the remaining kidney function if we don’t –
WOMAN
(in pain)
Nooo — !!!
As he speaks the <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> grabs the short stool and swivels into position between her stirrup-ed knees to check her progress.
OB/GYN
We talked about this….
The woman SCREAMS again, giving another mighty push.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Okay… it looks like we’re having it your way, the baby’s crowning –
The already lively room swings into immediate action.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Ok, give me one more push!
She does, and after a moment of collectively held breath we hear an infant’s thin wail.
The <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> hands the baby over to the waiting pediatrician for assessment.
A nurse tends to the mother…
NURSE
(alarmed)
Doctor, she’s unconscious!
CUT TO:
SUPER: 7 Months Ago
-
PS81 Day 2 (First 10 Pages) Anita’s Openings!
What I learned: I started this exercise with a mental block, because I like the opening I have already written. But this was still a valuable brainstorming exercise and gave me a few ideas for incorporating more depth into later scenes. (I have indicated these options in Italics, below.) And describe them in my last paragraphs.
ASSIGNMENT
Select 5 possible openings for your script and choose one.
Rethink the opening of your movie through the openings listed and brainstorm as many ideas as possible.
1. Instant Conflict Opening
Later in my script I have my Protagonist (a pro-rights advocate Lawyer) argue against restrictive anti-abortion state legislation. This could potentially open my film, but I need to establish WHY this is such an important issue to Danica.
I already have her argue the pros and cons of an unwanted pregnancy very near the opening with her evangelical sister.
2. Contrast Opening
A career woman contrasted with a weary overburdened mother?
An lonely elder woman regretful she never had children talking to a retirement home friend who has kids and grandkids visiting all the time?
I already have Danica (an independent liberal woman contrasting with her religious sister who has kids)
3. The Shocking Opening
Cyrus, already the narcissistic hypocritical and manipulative politician can be seen in bed with a woman – not his wife, and NOT Danica!
(Later, we could see Cyrus taking bribes, or campaign money under the table.)
4. The Setup/Twist Opening
I set up a difficult birth with an anonymous woman, then reveal later it’s Danica – who does not go through with a planned abortion, as she indicated to Cyrus that she would.
5. The VO that’s unusual
Hmmm. This disembodied voice scenario does not work for me.
Only idea that comes to mind is perhaps Harley’s retrospective V.O. from prison – which would only make sense when we reveal why she’s arrested at the very end…. But I think this gives away too much.
6. The unique character
My most unique character is Harley, who grows into a psychologically twisted young woman. But she is introduced as an infant, then child, then teen, then 20-something murderess. So not sure what I can do here, in the opening with her?
The most unique thing about my Protagonist, Danica is her moral ambiguity (having an affair in spite of religious upbringing) I will have to consider ways I can amp this up.
7. The action opening
This intrigues me, but I don’t know how to brainstorm it into my script:
“Action openings work very well in movies where the opening action scene causes a bigger problem that must be solved or injures a character who returns for revenge or rescues something that the rest of the movie is about.”
Action causes bigger problem / Injury / Rescue / Revenge.
One thought comes to mind: Have Danica injured in some way while giving birth to Harley (need for a hysterectomy?) and this becomes another reason she is resentful toward her and abandons her.
8. Plunge us deep into a unique world (Moulin Rouge/Platoon)
I could be futuristic with my concept: What if no one could ever even consider abortion as an option? Overpopulation, maternal deaths, etc. would be the fallout. But then I feel like I am plunging into HANDMAID’S TALE territory.
Or, conversely, I could set the concept of forced birth in the past, when the earth was highly unpopulated and every entry into the gene pool was critical;
Or a dystopian future where infertility is about to wipe out humanity (as in CHILDREN OF MEN)
Or a cult where pregnant women are deified…. or vilified.
9. Intriguing scene from another place in the movie
I already have this. Danica gives birth, but we don’t know it’s her, and the woman passes out at the end of the scene – maybe dead.
Unwanted and dangerous childbirth is one of my major themes, and I can’t think of any other scene to better accomplish this.
10. The “trick” opening
My story, steeped in so much realism doesn’t lend itself to this concept.
Once you have 10 or more ideas, select the best five and write a paragraph or two to describe each opening.
I currently have an “Instant Conflict” built in where I have Danica argue the pros and cons of an unwanted pregnancy with her evangelical sister. And a “Setup/ Twist” where I set up a difficult birth with an anonymous woman, then later reveal it’s Danica – who does not go through with a planned abortion, as she indicated to Cyrus that she would. I also already have an “Intriguing Scene from another place” -. Danica gives birth, but we don’t know it’s her, and the woman passes out at the end of the scene – maybe dead.
There were two ideas that I like and may try to incorporate:
“The Shocking Opening” where Cyrus, already the narcissistic hypocritical and manipulative politician can be seen in bed with a woman – not his wife, and NOT Danica! And perhaps later add a “Contrast” like this: An lonely elder woman regretful she never had children talking to a retirement home friend who has kids and grandkids visiting all the time.
One last idea inspired by the “Action” opening: Have Danica injured in some way while giving birth (maybe a hysterectomy?) and this becomes another reason she is resentful toward Harley and abandons her.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
-
PS81 Day 1 (First 10 Pages) Anita Loves This Opening
What I learned: It was interesting looking at first draft scripts for the following movies: Armageddon, Back to the Future, Analyze This and An Officer and A Gentleman. None of these films’ written page openings resembled the final production. For example: Officer and A Gentleman – the film actually starts on page 12 – everything prior was his hardship back-story which was implied and referenced in the film rather than shown, as in the script. And what was produced was much better. Which tells me that as the script drafts evolved, the story got sharper, and in each case less set-up was incorporated, diving us right into the middle of the story.
I wound up analyzing a simple, older script. But I think it stands up precisely because of its solid structure.
Chosen Script: InnerSpace
1st page: Provocative opening: Establishes hype around space program personnel: those “in” and those on the fringes.
3rd page: Twist: <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:country-region w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:country-region></st1:place> is a reporter; drunk Tuck comes to her rescue; she ultimately has to rescue him.
5th to 10th page: Inciting Incident: <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:country-region w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:country-region></st1:place> leaves Tuck.
By the 10th page: We know what the story is about: Tuck is involved in some secretive program. He loves <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> but she has broken his heart. And we have a glimpse into our hapless hero, Jack the hypochondriac. (However, this bit doesn’t all come together for a few more pages.)
Tell us anything you feel makes that opening stand out.
The first 10 pages establish the 3 main characters in well-rounded tones: Tuck, a down on his luck drunk fly-boy; <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> – a reporter who is in a dead-end relationship with Tuck; and Jack – a mild-mannered hypochondriac. We don’t yet know how Jack fits into the story. Tuck holds some mystery (what’s up with the rabbit research?). And theirs is obvious on-again-off-again chemistry between <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> and Tuck, who came to each other’s rescue in the establishing scene, which sets them on equal footing.
INNERSPACE
FADE IN:
1 INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM – NIGHT
A crowded cocktail party is in progress. Open bar and huge
buffet table. A well-dressed, predominantly male crowd in
attendance. Uniforms from all branches of the military are
in evidence everywhere.
CAMERA PROWLS THROUGH the room picking up random bits of
conversation. A TELEVISION NEWS CREW, reporting live from
the scene, comes INTO FRAME.
NEWS CORRESPONDENT
(into hand-held mike;
facing mini-cam crew)
… Bob, I think that you and the
viewers at home can see that this
room behind me is packed to
overflowing. Former astronauts,
Space Shuttle crew members,
<st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Washington</st1:place></st1:state> bigwigs, Pentagon
officials… well, you name it
and they’re here in <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>San Francisco</st1:place></st1:city>
tonight to celebrate the 30th
Anniversary of NASA, the National
Aeronautics and…
CAMERA MOVES OFF, eventually finds:
2 <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:country-region w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:country-region></st1:place> MAXWELL
A knockout brunette in her early thirties. She is engaged
in earnest conversation with a man whose eyes are seen to
wander over her anatomy as they talk. (We’ll call him
ROVING EYES.)
CAMERA PANS TO:
3 TUCK PENDELTON
Emerging drunkenly into the banquet room from a door
marked “No Admittance” and crashing head-on into a busboy
with a loaded tray of dirty dishes.
The busboy is knocked for a loop and the DISHES SMASH to
the floor.
Tuck reacts with inebriated indignation. He points to
the “No Admittance” sign.
TUCK
How come it says ‘restrooms’ when
it’s really the damn kitchen!?
The busboy looks baffled, and Tuck moves off with his
dignity intact. Noticing that his glass is empty, he
shoulders his way to the bar.
TUCK
(to bartender)
Cutty. Up.
As he waits for his drink, we see that Tuck’s rugged good
looks are fading slightly and his once square jaw is in
need of a closer shave. His Navy captain’s uniform —
stretched tightly across his chest — suggests that
several pounds have been added since the last fitting.
As Tuck receives his drink from the bartender, a DISTURBANCE
is heard to break out somewhere across the room:
ROVING EYES
(to <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>; loudly)
What are you doing!? That’s a tape
recorder!
Roving Eyes indicates a small Sony protruding from <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>’s
clutch purse.
ROVING EYES
You can’t do that, young lady!
Give that to me.
He swipes the recorder from her purse.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
Hey!
Other partygoers turn and look. So does Tuck. His eyes
blaze. He storms over.
TUCK
What’s going on here?
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
(surprised to
see him)
Tuck!…
TUCK
What’s the trouble, <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>?
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
He stole my tape recorder.
ROVING EYES
(to Tuck)
She was recording my conversation!
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
I told you I worked for a newspaper.
ROVING EYES
This is a cocktail party, not a
damn news conference!
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
(firmly)
Give it back to me, please.
TUCK
You heard the lady… hand it over!
Roving Eyes looks startled by Tuck’s abusive tone.
TUCK
I said, hand it over… ya damn
pencil-necked civilian!
Suddenly, the room falls silent, and Tuck realizes that
all eyes are upon him.
ROVING EYES
Captain, you’re drunk.
Tuck looks embarrassed. He looks down at his drink, then
looks up again with a big, foolish grin on his face.
TUCK
Well… he’s right. I’m drunk.
(to <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>)
Guess I owe these folks an
apology, <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>.
She puts her hand on his arm.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
(softly)
It’s okay, Tuck. Forget it.
Tuck pulls away from her.
TUCK
(belligerently)
Not until I apologize to these
people!
(for all to hear)
We got some real famous, all-
American hero-types with us
tonight! Space-walkers, an’ moonwalkers…
an’ Earth-orbiters!
It’s obvious who Tuck is talking about. They stand there
in their crisp uniforms, with short hair, erect postures
and disapproving expressions.
TUCK
Gentlemen…
(belch)
… I’m sorry…
Tuck is standing before a DISPLAY OF LARGE ROCKET MODELS
charting the history of the space program.
TUCK
(indicating one of
the rockets)
You boys have all gone up in these
babies. Hats off to you. I envy
you fellas…
(beat)
… The most excitement I ever had
was the time I landed a crippled
F-14 on the deck of a rocking
flattop in zero visibility with
the nose gear —
Tuck sees RUSTY, one of the ex-astronauts in the crowd,
turn away in disgust.
TUCK
— Don’t turn your back on me,
Rusty…
(beat)
… At least when my moment of
truth came, I didn’t take a dump
down the leg of my flightsuit…
if that rings any bells for you!
Rusty looks enraged. He advances toward Tuck. But Tuck
stands his ground — smiles — and drops Rusty with a
hooking right fist. Uproar!
TWO young MARINES rush up to Tuck.
FIRST MARINE
Take it easy, Captain.
TUCK
Only two of you?
Tuck raises his fists. The Marines exchange a look.
They know that they have no alternative.
SECOND MARINE
Sorry, Captain.
Pow! Tuck takes it on the chin. He goes tumbling backwards
into the rocket display. The MODELS BANG into each
other like falling dominos. Onlookers gasp and scream.
The TV News Crew hurries over. They turn on their lights
and roll tape.
NEWS CORRESPONDENT
(to Marine)
Who is he?
MARINE
Captain Tuck Pendelton, ma’am.
The News Correspondent looks disappointed.
NEWS CORRESPONDENT
(to crew)
Kill it, boys. He’s nobody.
Tuck props himself up on one elbow and works his jaw.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> rushes to his side.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
Oh, Tuck… are you all right?
Tuck gives her a dazed expression. No one else offers
assistance. They look upon Tuck as a complete disgrace.
Then, one man comes forward. Dressed in a business suit.
Tuck’s own age. Clean cut. Athletic-looking. His name
is PETE BLANCHARD. He offers Tuck his hand.
Tuck looks up at Blanchard and smiles sadly.
TUCK
Where’s your uniform, Pete?
Blanchard pulls Tuck to his feet.
BLANCHARD
I grew up, Tuck. I wear a suit
now.
(beat)
Take him home, <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> begins to lead Tuck away. But she leaves his side
for a brief moment to snatch back her tape recorder from
Roving Eyes’ unsuspecting hands.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
Pencil neck!
ROVING EYES
You should have your press
credentials revoked!
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
Write a letter to your
congressman!
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> marches off, reclaims Tuck who waits for her on
tottering legs, and heads for the door.
//
5 INT. <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:country-region w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:country-region></st1:place>’S CAR – TRAVELING – NIGHT
Tuck is slumped in the passenger seat as <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> drives him
home. She glances at him with a concerned expression.
TUCK
Don’t give me that look.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
(innocently)
What look?
TUCK
That ‘Poor Pitiful Tuck’ look.
(beat)
I had a great time tonight. I
like getting drunk. I enjoy
being hit in the face.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> rolls her eyes at Tuck’s hopelessness. Tuck picks
up the tape recorder from the car seat.
TUCK
What’s on this, anyway?
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
I’m working on a story.
TUCK
I should have guessed.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
It’s a good story.
(beat)
Not that you’ll ever know, of
course. You never read any of
my articles.
TUCK
That’s not so. I read the one
about me.
//
Tuck takes a moment to mull this over, removing a pocket
flask from beneath his uniform in the process.
TUCK
Okay. Tell me about the story.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
Espionage in <st1:place w:st=”on”>Silicon Valley</st1:place>.
The buying and selling of advanced
technological secrets.
TUCK
Hmm…
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
That’s why I had my tape recorder
with me. Every high-tech company
on the West Coast was represented
at that party tonight.
TUCK
Well, you’re right about one thing,
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>…
(takes a pull on
the flask)
… I ain’t gonna read it.
6 INT. TUCK’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Tuck and <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> enter. Tuck turns on a light. The place is a
cramped, unkempt bachelor’s den.
Despite the usual clutter, <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> notices right away a new
element in the disarray: Biological charts, books and models.
All of which pertain to the internal workings of rabbits!
She picks up one of the models.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
What’s this?
TUCK
Nothing. Just some homework I’m
doing.
Tuck takes it from her hand and puts it down.
TUCK
How about a drink?
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
I can’t stay, Tuck.
TUCK
Just for a minute.
(beat)
I know what you’d like: Tea! Can
I fix you some tea?
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
No, Tuck. I —
Tuck goes into the kitchen, begins to rummage through
the cabinets.
TUCK
What’s tea come in again? A can?
A jar? Wait… I remember.
Little bags, right? Yeah…
here they are.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
(firmly)
I’m not staying, Tuck.
Tuck can see she means it. His expression turns serious.
TUCK
Don’t go, <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>. Please stay.
He puts his arms around her.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
Tuck —
He begins to nuzzle her neck.
TUCK
Mmmm. I love your perfume.
What’s it called again?
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
I don’t wear perfume.
TUCK
C’mon. What’s it called again?…
He’s breaking down her resistance.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
(softly)
Midnight Lace.
TUCK
Mmmmm. Smells so good. Don’t
go, <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>…
He kisses her. She fights it — but then melts.
7 INT. TUCK’S BEDROOM – DAWN
Tuck is asleep in bed, but <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> is dressed. She’s leaving.
She gives Tuck a farewell glance, then slips quietly out of
the room.
But the slamming of the front door awakens Tuck. He realizes
that <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> is gone.
TUCK
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>?…
Then, from outside the house, he hears her car engine GROAN
as it tries to fire up.
TUCK
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>!
Tuck jumps from the bed. He’s naked. He wraps the sheet
around himself, then stubs his toe on the bed leg.
TUCK
Owwww!!
8 EXT. TUCK’S HOUSE – DAWN
Tuck hops out of the house, favoring his injured toe, holding
the sheet around his waist.
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> is inside her car, desperately trying to get it started.
TUCK
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region>! Wait!
Tuck rushes up to the car window.
TUCK
Where you going?!
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
(almost in tears)
I’m leaving, Tuck. Don’t try to
stop me. Our relationship has
no future, and you know it. You
drink too much. You fight too
much. You don’t value anything.
You destroy everything that’s
good in your life. You ruin it.
You throw it away. And if I
stayed any longer, I’d be next.
TUCK
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> —
<st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>LYDIA</st1:place></st1:country-region>
— You’re a big, dumb Palooka,
Tuck, and I know I love you, but
I don’t think we should see each
other again for a long, long time.
With that, <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Lydia</st1:place></st1:country-region> drives off in a cloud of white exhaust smoke.
Tuck stands in the street, in the dawn’s early light, clutching
the sheet, his head and toe throbbing, bewildered and
alone.
DISSOLVE TO:
9.
9 EXT. SUBURBAN MEDICAL BUILDING – DAY
TITLE: THE <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>SILICON</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>VALLEY</st1:placetype></st1:place>
Two Months Later
10 INT. A DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
JACK PUTTER sits on the examination table. He’s an agreeable-looking fellow in his mid-thirties.
[and the next 2 pages 9-10, firmly establishes him as a hypochondriac about to go off on vacation.]
-
Hi Cameron,
I REALLY like your final image… really the perfect way to portray closure for a complicated father / son relationship.
Markus is also (for me) a key character who carries the moral and ethical weight of all the action. I haven’t read all your scenes but I hope he is well developed to have us, the audience, considering all the ramifications of this terra-forming expedition, especially since it is the humans that are the aliens here, and not the spores or worms. Perhaps Jude’s documents also have us considering this?
What is Sully’s main goal? (Besides the obvious of keeping his son alive)…. I mean, why is he on this planet? Is Terra-forming his life’s work, that he really believes in? If this goal were clear to me I’d be able to comment more precisely about the final structure.
I see Sully as losing his goal (colonizing a planet) but gaining what he really needs – a connection with his son. If this is your intent, then you achieved it! The skill mastery sheet was designed to help us analyze actual scene dialogue, etc, so I will only say here that I look forward to reading your third act!
BTW, I also think Jude the Wise Woman is a good vehicle for learning what we really need to know.
I always enjoy a good sci-fi!
Best,
Anita
-
PS81 Day 9 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s Completed Third Act
What I learned: I’m really glad to have been challenged. Originally I wrote this last scene to remain open-ended, letting the audience walk away talking about possible conclusions. But it was not as satisfying an ending as I think it would need to be, to be sell-able. I am not 100% about where to end this. I like the last twist, but I don’t want it to feel ‘overwritten’.
I would very much like feedback on the three different places I could end this, as notated below!
ASSIGNMENT
——————–
Show us your final act by giving us one paragraph on each of the following:
1. SETUP:
Danica and Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’ fire station. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley – exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. When his wife Karen discovers thru genetic home testing that Cyrus has a child out of wedlock she leaves him. Danica also climbs the ladder of success and as partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws in her current state. During this time Harley grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at the same genetics lab that uncovered Cyrus’ illegitimate child – who is Harley. Because of her job access Harley discovers both her biological parents’ identities and their health histories.
2. PLOT POINT 2:
Danica’s sister dies from acute kidney disease and Danica is told by her doctor of her own need for a kidney transplant.
3. CRISIS:
Danica must present legal anti-abortion arguments before Judge Cyrus – the biggest case of her career. The stress causes a breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading her to search out and find her now-grown abandoned daughter.
4. CLIMAX:
Harley, aware of both parents’ identities and their medical history agrees to meet her mother Danica, but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus so Danica can get his kidney.
5. RESOLUTION:
Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she killed Cyrus and was the one who made sure Danica received his kidney.
6. FINAL PAGE:
TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE:
DANICA
So I really do have a second chance.
Dani turns to Harley.
DANICA (CONT’D)
And I should never have given you one to begin with.
FINAL SCENE(S):
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – CONTINUOUS
A silver car comes speeding around the bend.
We see a man bending over outside his ‘McMansion’ iron gates to get the morning paper – we recognize him as Cyrus.
Brakes Squeal. SLAM.
Blackout.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DUSK
Eyes groggily open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene – especially through the gloomy dusk and hazy lens of post-op drugs.
A TV news anchor is nattering in the background.
It is Danica wincing in pain, who hobbles out of bed, and with weak and wobbly arms drags her I.V. pole limping toward to a mirror.
Gingerly lifting her hospital gown she discovers a large bandage over her lower right abdomen. She warily peels back the white gauze to reveal a long red angry trail of stitches.
Danica’s deeply confused. Is this the kidney transplant she was praying for?
Harley walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy.
Danica is stunned silent. This is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters.
Danica sways, wonders what kind of drugs she’s on. She turns back to her mirrored image – then to Harley – yep, there’s really two of them in the room.
Harley nonchalantly picks up the TV remote and raises the volume.
TV ANCHOR
.. the tragic hit and run accident of Circuit <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>Appeals Court</st1:address></st1:street> Judge Cyrus Kilner at his home early this morning. Police say their only lead is a silver sedan seen driving on the street. If anyone has more information –
Harley clicks the report off.
She turns to her mother, a sublime grin on her face.
HARLEY
Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he was signed up as an organ donor.
Danica’s knees give out and she slides into a chair like jello.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Maybe his nickname should have been Ford – you know, like Grandpa Edgar was called Harley.
Danica goes from pale to ashen, eyes wide on the stranger before her.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
What? Too soon?
Harley rings out a strange bright laugh at her own twisted joke.
[NOTE: THIS IS WHERE I ORIGINALLY ENDED.]
CYRUS
Inside family joke? I’m family. Let me in on it.
Harley spins around in shock to see Cyrus standing there in the doorway on crutches, a leg cast from toes to his groin.
Danica’s head is spinning.
Behind Cyrus are two police officers. They walk in and cuff a sputtering Harley.
HARLEY
But you – I thought – this can’t be right –
CYRUS
None of this is right.
DANICA
Wait!
The officers pause, one on each side of a glazed-looking Harley.
Dani puts her hands over her eyes, confused, disoriented.
DANICA (CONT’D)
I don’t understand. I thought –
(pins Cyrus with a look)
So whose kidney do I have?
CYRUS
An anonymous donor from the UNOS list. When they brought me in, the doc who cleared me of internal injuries happened to be yours, and we had a chat.
He shrugs a bit sheepishly.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
I may have pulled one or two strings about your placement on that list.
DANICA
So I really do have a second chance.
Dani turns to Harley.
DANICA (CONT’D)
And I should never have given you one to begin with.
[NOTE: I COULD END IT HERE, OR ADD THIS FINAL BIT??]
Harley spits back with real venom –
HARLEY
And without him here, you still would have died! So, you’re welcome. MOM.
The police haul Harley out of the hospital room trailing her crazy laughter all the way down the hall.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
-
PS81 Day 8 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s Amazing Final Line!
What I learned: That I really need to APPLY what I have learned. And if it fits this particular script, then GREAT! And if not, I have new tools in my kit for the next screenplay. So, thanks for that.
Factoring in these last three challenges, I added to my existing final scene with one final twist that allows the characters to express everything heretofore left unsaid. And to also perform an act of closure with Harley being arrested (meaning she didn’t get away with murder). So it’s a sort of combination of all three options. I don’t know if I am objective enough in this moment to know which ending works best – open, leaving the audience wondering and with a jaw drop; or – the more satisfying neatly wrapped-up version. TBD.
ASSIGNMENT
———————
Try out each of these possible final lines/images on your script.
1. Brainstorm ways to do each of the following with your story. And if you have to change your entire third act to do each of them, do it. Why? Because it might just give you the amazing ending you hope for.
A. Directly answer the main question the entire movie is about.
B. Finally we hear the one thing that the character wouldn’t say in the movie.
C. Solve the puzzle.
2. Select the best final line/image and write the final scene.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DUSK
Eyes groggily open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene – especially through the gloomy dusk and hazy lens of post-op drugs.
A TV news anchor is nattering in the background.
Wincing in pain, it is Danica who hobbles out of bed, and with weak and wobbly arms drags her I.V. pole limping toward to a mirror.
Gingerly lifting her hospital gown she discovers a large bandage over her lower right abdomen. She warily peels back the white gauze to reveal a long red angry trail of stitches.
Danica’s deeply confused. Is this the kidney transplant she was praying for?
Harley walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy.
Danica is stunned silent. This is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters.
Danica sways, wonders what kind of drugs she’s on. She turns back to her mirrored image – then to Harley – yep, there’s really two of them in the room.
Harley nonchalantly picks up the TV remote and raises the volume.
TV ANCHOR
.. the tragic hit-and-run of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus Kilner at his home early this morning. Police say their only lead is a silver sedan seen driving on the street. If anyone has more information –
Harley clicks the report off.
She turns to her mother, a sublime grin on her face.
HARLEY
Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he was signed up as an organ donor.
Danica’s knees give out and she slides into a chair like jello.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Maybe his nickname should have been Ford – you know, like Grandpa Edgar was called Harley, and that’s what killed ‘em.
Danica goes from pale to ashen, eyes wide on the stranger before her.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
What? Too soon?
Harley rings out a strange bright laugh at her own twisted joke.
CYRUS
Inside family joke? I’m family. Let me in on it.
Harley spins around in shock to see Cyrus standing there in the doorway on crutches, a leg cast from toes to his groin.
Danica’s head is spinning.
Behind Cyrus are two police officers. They walk in and cuff a sputtering Harley.
HARLEY
But you – I thought – this can’t be right –
CYRUS
None of this has been right.
DANICA
Wait!
The officers pause, one on each side of a glazed-looking Harley.
Dani puts her hands over her eyes, confused, disoriented.
DANICA
I don’t understand. I thought –
(pins Cyrus with a look)
So whose kidney do I have?
CYRUS
An anonymous donor from the UNIS list. When they brought me in, the doc who cleared me of internal injuries happened to be yours, and we had a chat.
He shrugs a bit sheepishly.
CYRUS
I may have pulled one or two strings about your placement on that list.
DANICA
So I really do have a second chance.
Dani turns to Harley.
DANICA
And I should never have given you one to begin with.
Harley spits back with real venom –
HARLEY
And without him here, you still would have died. So, you’re welcome.
The police haul Harley out trailing her crazy laughter down the hall.
FADE TO BLACK.
-
PS81 Day 7 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s Final Page!
What I learned: I think this entire module would have been the most helpful (for me) if presented when we worked out our outlines. Some of the “asks” in this assignment would mean an entire rewrite of my script. Obviously, I won’t be taking the time to configure 6 different full story-lines. But I took a crack at this assignment in a kind of short-hand approach, as noted below. It was a good brainstorming session, but I had already written my final page, and did not choose a different approach. So what I learned was some new labels for various endings.
1. Take a look at your final pages and write up a paragraph showing how each of these could possibly work for your story.
A. The Setup / Payoff final page.
There are several payoffs in my final scene. First, Danica was introduced to us in a hospital room where she nearly died giving birth Harley. Here she is given a second chance at life with a new kidney. Second, the only thing she gives Harley before abandoning her at infancy was her father’s name. But it was her father’s nickname, given because he loved his bike, but also unfortunately he and Danica’s mom died while riding his Harley. (Irony) Then – Danica has idealized for 20 years that her daughter would be wonderful – but here she’s faced with the reality that her daughter is a psychopath who has killed Cyrus. The final twist: Harley orchestrated Danica receiving Cyrus’ kidney (and we know Danica hates Cyrus – but now he is literally a part of her). The ultimate payoff with Harley after several scenes of her indifferent cruelty is this – her final act of murder.
B. The Contrast final page.
In several ways my scene starts out hopefully before sliding into despair.
1) Danica awakens to discover she had gotten her lifesaving kidney transplant; only to find it is from Cyrus, who has been killed.
2) Danica meets her daughter Harley after 20 years; only to realize her daughter is a master manipulator and a murderer.
C. The Climax/Resolution final page.
Hmmm. Not sure how to wrangle this one for my particular story structure – which spins out a kind of breadcrumb trail for my trio of characters along the way. I suppose their respective resolutions is they all seem to get what they deserve?
D. The “Something good is going to come out of this mess” final page.
The only good thing to come of these 3 messy lives is that Danica gets a new kidney. That said – it’s a tainted win, a tragedy really, because the kidney is from Cyrus, and at the hand of twisted daughter Harley. I could should to end this with the kidney NOT coming from Cyrus, and it NOT being Harley who killed him / orchestrated the transplant. But that feels sappy and trite to me, and not true to the story as written. But as I noodle on this, there might be a way for me to have a double twist here – that maybe Cyrus didn’t die and it isn’t his kidney that now resides in Danica, and he walks in on crutches with the police come in to haul Harley away (?) Probably more satisfying – but not sure if it “plays” ….
E. The “One last gesture” final page.
I really love the example given in this assignment from LIFE AS A HOUSE. But how to apply this option to my own story has me completely stumped. I can’t have Harley make the grand gesture of giving her mom a kidney, because she too was only born with one (a setup that is the driving impetus for Harley’s genetic research career and subsequent discovery of her mother’s identity and health crisis) So I move on –
F. The Shock final page.
This was my intent all along. That Harley commits the unspeakable act of killing her biological father and orchestrating that her mother be given his kidney. Here it is:
What I chose is a combination of “Payoffs” and “Shock”
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DUSK
Eyes groggily open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene – especially through the gloomy dusk and hazy lens of post-op drugs.
A TV news anchor is nattering in the background.
Wincing in pain, it is Danica who hobbles out of bed, and with weak and wobbly arms drags her I.V. pole limping toward to a mirror.
Gingerly lifting her hospital gown she discovers a large bandage over her lower right abdomen. She warily peels back the white gauze to reveal a long red angry trail of stitches.
Danica’s deeply confused. Is this the kidney transplant she was praying for?
Harley walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy.
Danica is stunned silent. This is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters.
Danica sways, wonders what kind of drugs she’s on. She turns back to her mirrored image – then to Harley – yep, there’s really two of them in the room.
Harley nonchalantly picks up the TV remote and raises the volume.
TV ANCHOR
.. the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus Kilner at his home early this morning. Police say their only lead is a silver sedan seen driving on the street. If anyone has more information –
Harley clicks the report off.
She turns to her mother, a sublime grin on her face.
HARLEY
Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he was signed up as an organ donor.
Danica’s knees give out and she slides into a chair like jello.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Maybe his nickname should have been Ford – you know, like Grandpa Edgar was called Harley, and that’s what killed ‘em.
Danica goes from pale to ashen, eyes wide on the stranger before her.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
What? Too soon?
Harley rings out a strange bright laugh at her own twisted joke.
FADE TO BLACK.
-
PS81 Day 6 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s Rules
What I learned: This is a good lesson with reminders – especially not to be too on-the-nose. In the past I have probably had a tendency to lead my reader too much by the hand, and have really worked at sharpening my skills at handling suspense in this script. As I finish the last few scenes I still need to write to flesh out my third act, I will definitely be looking for ways to keep the reader / viewer engaged!
Fulfill the last three rules of Great Endings in the following methods:
RULE 5. Don’t go On-The-Nose.
Check the current version of your 3rd Act and tell us where you highlighted any on-the-nose dialogue or action.
I haven’t written all the scenes for my 3<sup>rd</sup> act. But there are two important courtroom scenes: One argued for a law that would ban abortions; and Danica’s argument against this law. It is too easy to be trite or on-the-nose in these scenes, and I will revisit each of them.
One other place I have reconsidered at the very end:
Harley walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy.
Danica is stunned silent. This is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters.
I could possibly have Harley look nothing like Danica… but then I would have to make it dawn on Danica who she is…. And this would also diffuse the unstated but important point that her daughter mirrors herself.
RULE 6. The climax of the movie must be set in the quintessential location for the conflict.
Brainstorm possible locations for the best setting for your climax. Show us your list of possibilities and tell us which you’ve picked.
As I mentioned, I’ve already written this scene and it takes place in a hospital room like the one in the open where Danica gives birth. I think this is strong, and the following options – while plausible – seem weaker to me.
OPTIONS: Danica and Harley meet for the first time in a neutral setting like a coffee shop. They meet at Harley’s place of work (Lab) where she divulges she has been tracking Danica and Cyrus.
RULE 7. Must keep us guessing to the very end. Tell us at least three things you’ll do to keep us guessing to the end.
1) Danica’s boss tells her she is being put on furlough until (A) her health is better; and (B) She must resolve her situation with Harley, i.e. – meet with her.
2) Danica collapses on her way to meet Harley.
3) Cyrus is hit by a car, but we don’t know who is driving.
4) It is Danica, not Cyrus who wakes in the hospital – having received a new kidney.
5) Harley arrives to meet her mother and lets it be known that she was the one that killed Cyrus.
-
PS81 Day 5 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s Powerful Setups
What I learned: This assignment was a bit exhausting, as it had me looking at my entire storyline from 3 different character’s points of views – which is a good thing. But it encompassed a lot. It raised multiple places for me where I might enhance setups for my ending. And the question of meaning had me thinking about the overarching meaning I hope to instill in this script. And I think one way to look at the story (especially the ending scene) is with the umbrella metaphor that it could stand for every parent who has ever been disappointed in their child; and every child who has felt letdown or disempowered by its parent. Keeping this in the back of my mind as I write and rewrite will help me keep the humanity (not just the issue of abortion) more immediate.
ASSIGNMENT
———————
Write the setups for your ending using these steps:
1. Looking at your current ending, generate ideas on how you can set it up powerfully using each of these techniques. Try to come up with at least one setup for each of the techniques below.
A. Build their Reputation:
Danica:
She is driven in her career to the exclusion of all else: Gives up baby at birth; Powers through pregnancy while studying for her LSAT’s; seen as aloof by co-workers; gets promoted to partner at work; awkward with her sister’s kids; she ignores all the warning signs of impending kidney failure. (priorities don’t even include her health) until she passes out arguing her big case.
Cyrus: His reputation as a conservative (ultra-right-wing) judge gets him elected at state level, then appointed to appellate and then circuit courts. His wife leaves him for being hypocritical and having a child out of wedlock.
Harley: We see her start with small cruelties, leading to the ultimate: scorching ants with a magnifying glass as a child; poisoning the HS mascot; aborting her own child without a second thought; then killing her biological father (Cyrus).
B. Justification for the final actions
Danica: It is mostly passive – she gets sicker, then collapses and put in the hospital on the UNIS transplant list, and ultimately receives her transplant (through the manipulations of Harley).
Cyrus: He is a hypocritical narcissist, who we are shocked by, but not overly sad at, his death at the end.
Harley: As stated above, Harley has a cruel and twisted streak. She is also brilliant as we watch her over-achieve thru school and scholarships and job placement – at a Biological Genetics Lab – where she has access to her parent’s genetic and personal health info, and where she hatches the idea to meet her mother and make sure Danica receives Cyrus’ kidney (after ascertaining he is a perfect match).
C. Cast doubt on the success of the final actions
Danica: Will she die before she gets the transplant? We see a series of increasing and troubling health issues until a collapse in court.
Cyrus: He doesn’t see anything coming. But he is a creature of habit, and there are several scenes foreshadowing his death in a hit and run when he retrieves his morning paper outside his driveway gates.
Harley: Does Harley really have access to all the information she needs to plan the final outcome?
D. Discuss the final actions openly
Danica: Her sister dies, which propels her to seek medical assistance for herself. The doctor tells her outright she needs a transplant, or will die.
Cyrus: He is clueless about either Danica’s health or Harley’s scheme.
Harley: Not going to happen. It would give the ending away.
E. Twists that take it away
Danica: Her health seems to rally, right before it fails, along with losing her big case.
Cyrus: He is appointed to the 5th Circuit Judiciary, with thoughts about moving higher in politics, only to have his wife leave him at this very point in time, as she finds out about his illegitimate daughter.
Harley: Hmmm…. Good question. I will think on this.
F. Alternate Hope/fear
Danica: Hope: her kidney will no fail / she will win her big case. Fear: She will die before the needed transplant / She loses her big case. Hope: She can find Harley and create a connection there / Fear: She will never connect with Harley.
Cyrus: Hope: Power. Fear: Loss of reputation, and hence, loss of power
Harley: Hope: Landing her dream job with a genetics lab / Fear: ? She is Fearless – too psychologically damaged and twisted to know fear.
G. Create and pay off emotional setups
Danica: Writing the scene of her sister’s funeral needs to culminate in a lot of emotional for the otherwise emotionally closed-off Danica.
Cyrus: I need to beef up his gloating every time he wins a case / gets promoted.
Harley: Note to self: I need to infuse more obsession into Harley’s search for her biological parents.
H. Suspense around the outcome
Danica: She is ultimately at death’s door.
Cyrus: Clueless.
Harley: Scheming / master manipulator
-
PS81 Day 4 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s Kick Ass Endings!
What I learned: I see these points and this exercise not so much as useful for this particular screenplay (because I have already set my characters on fairly irretrievable paths) but I am sure to find this brainstorming assignment an excellent tool for the future. I think if this assignment had been introduced as an earlier module I could have seen more clearly how my characters could have developed in different ways.
ASSIGNMENT
Try on each of these structures for your ending.
1. The Ultimate Confrontation
I think I already have this… it is between Danica (mother / Protagonist) and Harley (daughter / Antagonist). The final scene in the hospital is the first time mother and daughter meet since mother abandoned baby Harley at a Fire Station 20 years ago. Danica has idealized motherhood thru her sister’s eyes and wants a relationship after all these years. The viewers have seen Harley grow more twisted over the years – harming animals; having an abortion without a second thought; then ultimately killing Cyrus, her birth father. But I don’t think the viewer will see this final ultimate act coming. Danica certainly doesn’t. And in the final ironic twist Harley has arranged Danica to receive the transplanted kidney she needs from – Cyrus.
2. Return Home, Only it is Different
If I wrote this story for mother/daughter to reconcile it would be an entirely different screenplay than the one I have designed. For instance, what if Danica’s health is restored thru an anonymous kidney donation allowing mother and daughter to forge a bond. It might be the type of satisfying ‘happy ending’ that people who only want happy endings would gladly receive – but it isn’t for this story.
3. End with a Future
I would need to rewrite the script along the lines above. Harley could not be an irredeemable character. Or, maybe Harley gets put into a psychiatric ward (or some other device where she is taken out of the picture) and then Danica and Cyrus get back together, now that Karen (Cyrus’ wife) is no longer with him. But then I would have to rewrite Cyrus as a completely different character – not so narcissistic or hypocritical so it would be believable that Danica would want him. My trio of characters are not on paths of reconciliation, but rather, explosive collision.
4. Major Layer Uncovered
Hopefully, I have achieved this via the devices described under #1.
5. Good Guy Wins after Much Pain and Risk
I could have Danica win her case for women and against the state that is trying to make abortions illegal. She already goes through much pain and suffering both personally and professionally on the issue. However, I reject this upbeat ending because it is not (unfortunately) the reality we are currently living with in the real world.
6. Great Protagonist Strategy
Danica ALMOST saves the day in her court battle. In the end her pro-choice arguments are strong and logical. But her health (failing kidney disease) brings her down at the last minute. If I don’t have her health fail at this critical moment and allow Danica’s strategy to prevail, the audience might feel relief (unless the viewer is anti-abortion) – but to me it feels contrived. I have attempted to construct the layers of this story to look at the issue of abortion not so much as a win/ lose or a right/wrong – but through the prism of many perspectives: religion, the legal system, parents, youth, the consequence of affairs, adoptive parents, and the abandoned adoptee. Danica doesn’t have so much a life strategy as life happens to her.
-
PS81 Day 3 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s Three Endings
What I learned: I will admit to being stumped here with writer’s block. I cannot see past my own ending – which is an Ironic Structure. It feels ludicrous to even try because completely Happy or wholly Tragic just doesn’t fit. So, at the risk of being trite, I am giving it a shot here in order to fulfill this assignment. But I’ve known from the beginning how I want this story to end (it’s baked in the cake) throughout.
HAPPY ENDING
BEGINNING OF 3<sup>RD</sup> ACT
Danica’s sister does not die from kidney disease, but her brush with death serves as a warning to Danica.
TWISTS
Harley has been working at the lab for a new kind of kidney pig transplant that ultimately is what saves Danica’s life.
Danica gets the kidney transplant she needs in time to argue her big case.
Harley wants to meet her mom. They do so and begin a connection.
CRISIS
In the courtroom showdown with Cyrus Danica argues brilliantly and wins the case.
CLIMAX
Cyrus, who has lost his wife and family because they learn of Harley, asks Danica to forgive and forget and they start a new relationship.
Did the protagonist get their goal and/or need?
Yes. Danica gets recognition for her career and a new kidney; Harley gets to know her biological parents; and Cyrus starts over with Danica.
TRAGIC ENDING
BEGINNING OF 3<sup>RD</sup> ACT
Danica’s sister dies from kidney disease, AND her brush with death does not serve as a warning to Danica about her own health risks, as she’s too obsessed with her career.
TWISTS
Danica wins her court case – OR – loses her court case and can’t get a kidney in time and dies before meeting Harley.
CRISIS
Danica is too ill to argue her big case and loses the opportunity of a career.
CLIMAX
Someone else argues Danica’s big case instead of her because she is too sick.
Did the protagonist get their goal and/or need?
No. Danica either dies or blows her career or both.
IRONIC ENDING
BEGINNING OF 3<sup>RD</sup> ACT
Danica’s sister dies from kidney disease, a familial genetic disorder.
TWISTS
1) Danica discovers her own health life-threatening genetic risk and eminent need for a kidney transplant.
2) Harley, who has already unearthed the identities of her biological parents and their health histories (through working at a genetic research lab), plots a way for Danica to get what she needs – a transplant.
3) Cyrus Kilner is assigned to the case Danica must argue.
CRISIS
Danica, while arguing the most important case in her career, and doing so in front of Judge Cyrus Kilner – faints from the pain of late stage kidney failure. Danica’s Senior Partner and mentor puts her on furlough and Danica decides to reach out and connect with Harley.
CLIMAX
Harley sets up a meeting with Danica. On the way she does a hit-and-run on Cyrus, killing him.
RESOLUTION
Danica wakes in a hospital, having received her new kidney. Harley walks in and reveals it is from Cyrus.
Did the protagonist get their goal and/or need?
Danica will live, but it is with the knowledge that the daughter she never wanted, but had hoped to get to know – that her daughter is a monster who has orchestrated she receive a kidney from the man who has ruined her career, twice – Harley’s own father.
-
PS81 Day 2 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s 3<sup>rd</sup> Act Structure
What I learned: Comparing this with my original outline, I do see some changes. The way the story has played itself out shifted the beats of the final reveals. This assignment has also helped me see where I have to fill in a few gaps to bring the audience along to closure.
A. Answer the 5 questions below so you have a good understanding of the foundation that needs to be considered as you create your ending.
1. What is it that fascinates you about this story?
The decision to have a child or an abortion is PERSONAL and COMPLEX.
2. What is the main conflict of the story?
Does a woman put her life and her career at risk to carry and birth a child she doesn’t even want?
3. What is the main goal/need of your protagonist?
Danica NEEDS a kidney transplant (preferably from a close relative); Danica’s GOAL is to have a successful career.
4. What is the character arc of your main characters?
Danica: from considering an abortion, to having the child, to abandoning it, to deciding she wants to seek her daughter out.
Cyrus: His character arc does not change. He is a narcissist till the end.
Harley: From the rejection of her birth parents her arc gets ever more dark and twisted – ultimately killing the father to get his kidney to her mother.
5. How do you want this movie to end?
Danica loses her career but gains a kidney and her life – but as an unwitting accessory to Harley’s crime of murder. I want this to be a shocking reveal to the audience.
B. Give a short description of how each of these structural steps will occur in your script.
1. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.
Danica’s sister dies from kidney disease and Danica discovers her own health life-threatening genetic risk and eminent need for a kidney transplant.
2. CRISIS — The decision point.
Danica, while arguing the most important case in her career, and doing so in front of Judge Cyrus Kilner – faints from the pain of late stage kidney failure. Danica’s Senior Partner and mentor puts her on furlough and Danica decides to reach out and connect with Harley.
3. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
Harley, who has already unearthed the identities of her biological parents and their health histories (through working at a genetic research lab), sets up a meeting with Danica. On the way she does a hit-and-run on Cyrus, killing him.
4. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.
Danica wakes in a hospital, having received her new kidney. Harley walks in and reveals it is from Cyrus.
5. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
Danica will live, but it is with the knowledge that the daughter she never wanted, but had hoped to get to know – that her daughter is a monster who has orchestrated she receive a kidney from the man who has ruined her career, twice – Harley’s own father.
-
PS81 Day 1 (Writing Great Endings) Anita’s Great Ending
What I learned: It was very interesting looking at this movie from the ending first, and then analyzing the set-ups. I did not recall the flash-forward / flash-back structure, telling his story non-linearly – but it still works as a classic 3 Act film. I had remembered the ending as powerful – both surprising and inevitable. But I didn’t remember how the entire third act was one reveal after another, like an onion. And also, the final resolutions were done as Graphics, revealing the most surprising facts about Alan Turing and his life. Somehow these facts presented so starkly at the end held even more punch for me – reminding me this was a true story, based on one person’s incredible life.
MOVIE: THE IMITATION GAME
BASIC STORY UP TO THE THIRD ACT: During WWII a brilliant mathematician (Alan Turing) leads a team to break the German’s notorious ENIGMA machine. The first two acts establish Alan Turing as extremely socially awkward but a math genius. Today he would likely be diagnosed as either on the autism scale or a savant. He was also a homosexual, which in <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>England</st1:place></st1:country-region> at that time was considered illegal and punishable with prison – meaning he had to keep that aspect of himself a secret. We learn Alan is also good at keeping secrets for the government, as his work is classified Top Secret.
THIRD ACT POINTS:
TURNING POINT: After months of grueling effort, the 5-person British team lead by Alan cracks the German ENIGMA code machine using Alan’s computer (he has named after his first love), ‘Christopher’.
TWIST: Alan blocks the disclosure that they’ve broken the code because it would tip the Germans off. This decision costs the lives of many civilians on a supply convoy ship, including the brother of one of the team members.
CRISIS: Alan and Joan travel to <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>London</st1:place></st1:city> to meet MI6 Agent Mingus to keep their secret and devise a plan to leak and use information very judiciously – a plan that became known as ULTRA, and would ultimately help the Allies win the war.
TWIST: Alan discovers one of his team members (Ken Cross) is a Russian spy, and when confronted, Ken threatens Alan with disclosing his homosexuality.
DOUBLE TWIST: MI6 Agent Mingus reveals he knows about the Soviet Spy and uses him as a useful idiot to control information to Stalin. He then tricks Alan into becoming a kind of double-agent to further this plan. Alan breaks off his engagement with Joan (thinking to protect her from this web of deception) disclosing to her his homosexuality.
CLIMAX: 2 more years of ULTRA go by – the secrecy early breaking Alan. Finally! Victory is declared in the war – <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>England</st1:place></st1:country-region> has prevailed. But they must burn EVERYTHING, keeping their entire work secret forever.
Years later, Alan (who has been a math professor these many years), has been acting as his own narrator divulging his story to a detective who has had him arrested for homosexuality. He challenges the detective to judge him: Is he a machine? A person? A war hero? Or a criminal?
RESOLUTION: The law requires Alan Turing be sentenced for indecency and instead of prison is put on “hormonal castration” – drugs that have robbed him of his sharp mind, his bodily and mental health. Joan visits him and finds him in this withered condition. She reminds him how special he is; how many lives were saved because of him; and that the new field of computer science now exists because of him.
FINAL SCENE: In a series of slates over the visual of the Enigma team burning everything in a huge bonfire we learn the following:
– After a year of hormonal therapy Alan Turing committed suicide in 1954 at the age of 41.
– Between 1885-1967 49,000 men were convicted of homosexuality in <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Great Britain</st1:place></st1:country-region>.
– In 2013 Queen Elizabeth granted a posthumous Royal Pardon to Turing honoring his unprecedented achievements.
– Breaking ENIGMA shorted the war by 2 years and saved an estimated 14 MILLION lives.
– Their work was kept secret for 50 years.
– What was initially called Turing Machines are now known as computers.
SETUPS IN FIRST TWO ACTS:
OPEN: Alan Turing is being interrogated by a detective, allowing him to act as narrator to his own story.
SETUP: Turing has been robbed but blows the police off, causing him to look suspicious and therefore have his background investigated.
INCITING INCIDENT: 1939 – <st1:country-region w:st=”on”>Britain</st1:country-region> declares War with <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:country-region w:st=”on”>Germany</st1:country-region></st1:place>.
SETUP: Naval Commander Denizen interviews Turing. He is revealed as terribly awkward but a brilliant cryptographer/ mathematician.
SETUP: The team is introduced to a smuggled ENIGMA machine. They will only have 18 hours for each decryption attempt before it gets reset. Personalities and tensions are established: Alan is not a team player.
SETUP/PAYOFF: Alan, unliked by his team or by Denizon causes Turing to write to Churchill who then puts Turing in charge of the project.
SETUP: Flashbacks to his school days reveal how he was bullied; but also how he had one friend (with which he forms a bond and ultimately falls in love with) – Christopher – who introduces him to cryptology.
PAYOFF: There is a payoff here at two critical points later in the film: 1) when Alan repeats words of encouragement first told to him by Christopher, to Joan; and 2) at the end when Joan finds Alan at his lowest point, she quotes this saying back to Alan. Alan also names his decryption machine – Christopher.
SETUP: <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>London</st1:place></st1:city> is being bombed in the blitzkrieg. Alan must beef up his team and places a crossword puzzle in the paper.
PAYOFF: This nets Joan, who will become the only woman on the team (and later Alan’s fiancée of convenience) and one of his best allies.
SETUP: Hugh (former head of the Enigma team) tries to smash Christopher. Denizen accuses Turing of being a Russian Spy. Later, Denizen tries to stop Turing’s work with Christopher.
PAYOFF: Joan has broken the ice for Alan with the rest of the team. Hugh defends Christopher and buys them another month of effort.
SETUP: Joan says she has to leave because of her parents. Alan proposed to keep her on the team. Alan, worried about the impending marriage confesses to Peter that he is homosexual.
PAYOFF: When Alan discovers Peter is the Russian spy, Peter threatens to ‘out’ Turing so Alan keeps quiet about the spying.
PAYOFF: Joan’s friend who works as a Morse code translator says something that gives Alan the breakthrough he needs to give Christopher the basis for decryption and ultimately breaks the ENIGMA machine’s code.
-
Day 10 (Advanced Dialogue) Anita’s Kick-Ass Dialogue!
What I learned: This scene became so much more than I initially envisioned. It now has a lot more drama, a lot more punch. Thanks for all the good dialogue skills with which to work with!
Cyrus – Superiority Complex / A Literal Judge
Narcissist
Hypocrite
Manipulative
Workaholic
Harley – Illegitimate Daughter
Amoral
Intelligent
Self-confident
Twisted
Karen – Cyrus’s Wife
Materialistic
Social-Climber
Self-absorbed
Acerbic
SCENARIO:
Narcissistic, workaholic Cyrus interacts with his now a teenager (the age of his kids helps show the passage of time) illustrating how his priority is his career, not his family. Cyrus doesn’t know about Harley’s existence (thinks Danica had an abortion) but his own son also displays Harley’s attitudes and cruelty – which we’ve seen earlier – his offspring both having a genetic disposition toward meanness.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus is in his home office going over case files. He’s distracted by SCREAMS AND LOUD SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC coming from the other room.
He gets up, annoyed, to check out the blaring interruption.
Cyrus’ son, PATRICK, age 15, is propped on his elbows watching a particularly gruesome scene from some slice-and-dice horror movie.
He’s totally engrossed, and doesn’t flinch even a bit from the life-sized carnage happening before his eyes.
CYRUS
Patrick!
The tall young man, who mirrors his father’s good looks, doesn’t look up.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
PATRICK!
Still not moving a muscle –
PATRICK
What!?
Cyrus’ wife Karen walks in. She is perfectly put together (as usual) carrying multiple hangared clothes draped over her arm, new price tags dangling.
KAREN
What is going on in here?
CYRUS
(shouting over TV)
Your son is driving me up the wall with this noise! I’m trying to get some work done!
KAREN
(sighs)
What else is new?
CYRUS
Do you have a problem with my work? Or should I back off and reduce my fucking salary – which keeps you in the fashion to which you are accustomed?
He waves his arm at her recently purchased outfits.
Karen carefully lays the clothes over the back of the plush sofa.
KAREN
(also shouting over TV)
No Cyrus, I don’t have a problem with your work. But when you bring it home every night –
PATRICK
(also shouting)
Hey! I live here too! And I’m watching something!
Cyrus plucks the remote from the sofa and turns the TV off.
The silence is a blessed reprieve.
PATRICK (CONT’D)
What the fuck!?
CYRUS
Patrick! Watch your language!
PATRICK
Right. I only learned by example, dad.
CYRUS
You know that crap you’re watching is no way to feed your psyche – can’t you find something constructive to do!?
PATRICK
Like work!? Like spending all my waking hours with my head in a book, or my head up other people’s asses like my dear father? I don’t need to listen to this crap!
Patrick storms out of the room.
KAREN
Patrick!
Turns on Cyrus.
KAREN (CONT’D)
He’s right you know! Do as I say, not as I do –
CYRUS
Yeah, well here’s one for you – what you feed grows, what you starve, dies! Your son is turning into a lazy snotty kid with a twisted appetite!
KAREN
My son? Not our son!? See Cyrus, that’s the crux of the problem, right there! He needs TWO parents. And lately, he’s only had ONE.
CYRUS
Maybe not even that Karen. How much of your day is spent either at the club or shopping!
KAREN
To quote our son – who was quoting you – I don’t have to take this CRAP!
Scooping up her clothes she too storms out of the room.
-
Day 8: (Advanced Dialogue) – Anita’s Colorful Dialogue
What I learned: Colorful Dialogue Formats:
– Take to extreme
– Poetic
– Unique Naming
– Jargon
– Write emotionally
– Contradictory statements
– Strange conclusions
INT. REBECCA’S HOUSE – DAY
Danica’s come to visit. She has flowers.
The huge TV that was once the source of so much family entertainment now just drones out bleak background news.
Rebecca sits on the couch next to Ted, looking very ill. By now her husband and kids know about her advanced kidney disease.
In fact, she has been undergoing intensive dialysis. As Dani greets her sister and hands her the bouquet we see the ruined veins up and down Becky’s arms.
Dani flinches at the sight.
DANICA
Hey Beck.
Becky tugs down her sweater sleeve self-consciously.
REBECCA
Ted, could you put these in some water for me please?
Ted leaves with the flowers; the two sisters sit in awkward silence. Finally –
DANICA
So what does the doctor say?
REBECCA
Oh you know, the usual alphabet soup… CKD’s progressed… eGFR is off…. electrolytes imbalanced, blah-blah-blah –
DANICA
But the dialysis is working, right?
REBECCA
Well, I’m still here, so – guess so.
Rebecca looks out the window in her placid way.
REBECCA (CONT’D)
You know Dani, this isn’t a long-term solution. It’s just a matter of time –
Dani shakes her head in denial. The TV catches her eye. It’s a commercial about Cyrus Kilner running for re-election as Judge – all about “family values”.
TV ANNOUNCER
“Judge Kilner remains staunchly and unabashedly pro-life.”
CYRUS
(on TV commercial)
“Any woman who finds herself the vessel for the creation of human life should feel honored to be part of that most sacred process.” –
Danica jumps up, grabs the remote and turns the TV off. She’s fuming, pacing.
DANICA
(under her breath)
Disgusting! What a goddamned hypocrite!
REBECCA
Dani, please don’t use that language – there’s no need –
Danica whirls on her sister.
DANICA
(incredulous)
No Need!? There’s every need for that kind of language!
In the face of Becky’s frailty, she bites off the rest of her rant and sinks to the couch.
After a moment Becky speaks softly –
REBECCA
So I was right. It was his, wasn’t it?
It’s Dani’s turn to stare out the window.
DANICA
I didn’t go through with it you know. I – well, I just couldn’t –
REBECCA
(emotional)
You mean I have a niece or nephew out in the world?
DANICA
(irritated)
No, it’s not like that Beck. I mean, yes – technically – a niece, but I don’t know anything about her. Except –
(beat / gets choked up)
Except her name. I named her after dad.
REBECCA
Wait – you named your daughter Edgar!?
DANICA
(snorts – just like Harley)
Don’t be ridiculous! Harley. Her name’s Harley.
Rebecca takes this in. Nods her head.
REBECCA
Thank you Dani.
DANICA
For? –
REBECCA
That’s one big burden lifted from my heart. Just knowing she’s out there in the world lifts my spirit.
Dani reaches out and takes her sister’s hand. They sit that way for some time, each lost in their own thoughts.
-
Day 8: (Advanced Dialogue) – Anita’s Subtext Pointers 2
What I learned: Previous to the subtext class(s) I would not have been able to define six different ways to parse out these nuances. I always thought of subtext in simplistic terms of just not saying what the truth at hand really is. I like the term “pointers” because it cements for me what subtext really does… pointing to the truth.
1. Select a scene that has two components:
A) Something is hidden that…
B) …is part of a conflict between the two people.
2. Write the scene using as many of the Subtext Pointers as you can.
SUBTEXT POINTER METHODS:
– Metaphor
– Implication
– Insinuation
– Hint
– Sarcasm
– Allusion
NOTE: This scene is near the end of Act Two. No one except Rebecca knows she is dying from advanced kidney failure.
INT. REBECCA’S LIVING ROOM – CHRISTMAS DAY
Gifts have been opened and Becky, her husband Ted and their two kids (now early 20’s) are engaged in mortal combat on a video game displayed on the ginormous flat-screen TV.
Danica is perched on the arm of a stuffed chair, the outsider looking in. Her gift, a board game, lies sadly discarded under the festive tree.
The adrenaline-fueled game ends amid laughter and good-natured ribbing.
Becky doubles over – just for a moment – and covers the pain-response action by putting her game controller down.
Danica notices (but the others don’t) and follows her sister into the kitchen.
DANICA
Beck, what’s wrong?
REBECCA
Hmmm? / (forced laugh)
(beat)
You mean other than getting killed by your family?
Becky busies herself making coffee.
DANICA
Yeah, other than that – I want to know what’s really causing my sister pain? You know, the physical kind.
REBECCA
Sshh! It’s Christmas Dani, not a day I want to alarm my husband and kids about – anything.
Danica assesses her sister for a minute. She’s lost weight, and she’s pale. Then Dani looks at Becky’s too-busy hands.
DANICA
Rebecca! Your hands!
Rebecca looks at them. They are obviously swollen, her wedding ring cutting into her finger.
REBECCA
Oh the doctor says it’s just water retention, that’s all.
DANICA
Doctor? What doctor?
Rebecca doesn’t answer but goes to the sink to run cold water over her hands.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Beck? Talk to me!
Just then – the rest of the family piles into the kitchen still jovial over the video battle won and lost – cutting off all further serious discussion.
TED
How’d we raise a couple of punks like this, so willing and able to kill off their parents so very gleefully?
Ted pecks a kiss on Becky’s cheek, oblivious to the tension between sisters.
SON
All that torture and suffering left me starved! Mom – how about a turkey sandwich?
Becky smiles wistfully at her son and goes to the frig for the ingredients.
-
Day 7: (Advanced Dialogue) – Anita’s Cover-ups
What I learned: Good brainstorming exercise. Gave me options, while still having Danica stay in character.
Danica has just lost a case in an adjoining courtroom to where Cyrus is a presiding judge (unbeknownst to Dani). They haven’t seen each other in about 10 years.
I chose the “attack back” option for Dani’s response, as seen below.
Other options follow here:
SILENCE: She ignores Cyrus like he isn’t there and keeps on walking
ACTION INCONGRUENT WITH WORDS: So glad to see you again (as she tugs at her collar / wipes the sweat pooling on her upper lip)
CHANGE SUBJECT: We’re late for our hearing
QUESTION THEM: Why aren’t you in chambers?
ATTACK BACK: So it’s taken you 10 long years to get to the bench I see.
COMPLEMENT THEM: It’s so nice to see you!
THREATEN THEM: If you say another word to me – ever – I’ll cry rape!
CONFIRM SOMETHING THEY BELIEVE: Wow – you really deserve this judgeship don’t you?
MISDIRECTION: I wouldn’t have recognized you without your robes.
INAPPROPRIATE REACTION: She laughs, delighted to see him.
DISTRACTION: She looks at her watch / or drops her briefcase
MAKE A JOKE OF IT: Fancy meeting you here!
CONTINUE AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED: Long time, no see – we’ll catch up later.
INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
They round a corner and just miss slamming into Cyrus Kilner!
DANICA
(flummoxed)
Cyrus!
He recovers first. Smarmy as ever.
CYRUS
Danica. Brahms, isn’t it? Or are you married now?
DANICA
You’re the married one Cyrus. Or have you forgotten that again?
She brushes past pulling her teenaged client along with her – while Cyrus gapes at her retreating back.
-
Day 6: (Advanced Dialogue) – Anita’s Dialogue Structures
Example of some metaphoric dialogue:
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
The large prestigious firm is nearly as sizable and bustling as the office Danica worked in with Cyrus 15 years ago.
INT. BREAK ROOM – CONTINUOUS
There’s a ‘CONGRATULATIONS’ banner strung up, and a half-eaten sheet cake on the table.
Danica is the center of attention surrounded by VARIOUS COLLEAGUES (ALL MEN) patting her on the back, exchanging high-fives, etc.
JUNIOR ATTORNEY
Well, you certainly deserve this Dani, after the string of wins you’ve had –
He takes a metaphoric swing with a bat.
JUNIOR ATTORNEY (CONT’D)
– knocking it out of the park!
PARTNER
Yep – you’re officially one of the boys now, Dani! I’d give you a locker room slap on the ass, but I’m afraid you’d sue me!
LAUGHTER all around.
Abruptly MANAGING PARTNER ROBERT GREENE, CEO of the firm and god-like father-figure to his staff, steps into the room, which immediately goes quiet.
ROBERT GREENE
Congratulations Danica. A well-deserved promotion. I know you’ll do us proud.
Before Danica can even utter words of thanks, Greene slides out of the room.
PARTNER
Well, you can’t top praise from on high –
He raises his coffee mug in salute.
PARTNER (CONT’D)
Cheers!
The others join in: CHEERS!
-
Day 5: (Advanced Dialogue) – Anita’s Anticipatory Scene
What I learned: This helped me turn a simple expository scene into (what I hope) is a much more fraught page-turner. I tried to incorporate the following aspects into the dialogue: Indirect Prediction, Countdown, Imply Consequences, Warnings, Create Reputation for the Villain, Confront (Danica) who is hiding from Consequences, and a Challenge Issued.
INT. LAW OFFICES, EXECUTIVE CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
MANAGING PARTNER ROBERT GREENE strides in to address his assembled associates.
As the wizened face of this particular kingdom Greene commands respect by both his title and his quiet authoritarianism.
Danica is among the partners and other counsel attorneys present. Greene dives right in –
ROBERT GREENE
This is our biggest case to date. So I don’t have to spell out what’s at stake – besides the firm’s very reputation. How goes this law, so goes the fate of every woman in the State of <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:place></st1:state>.
(beat)
And it’s an uphill fight that just got a lot tougher.
He makes eye contact around the table.
ROBERT GREENE (CONT’D)
The third paneled judge is Kilner. Cyrus Kilner.
Danica’s gasp is covered by other’s groans and oaths. She goes pale.
Greene nods to a nearby assistant who passes out thick portfolios from a tall stack.
ROBERT GREENE (CONT’D)
The big picture is in there. Everyone on the team will have full access to all the support personnel and materials you need.
(beat)
I’m appointing Danica as lead counsel.
A few jealous looks / mostly nods of approval.
ROBERT GREENE (CONT’D)
Look. The law hanging in the balance will be triggered if Roe goes up in flames at the Supreme Court. It’s our job to put up every legal argument, roadblock and speed bump we can to keep that from happening. And we only have 30 days to prep.
-
Day 4: (Advanced Dialogue) – Anita’s Contrast Scene
What I learned: This is a fun way to communicate dissonance. And one of my 3 main characters has loads of that, being psychologically twisted. I had this scene in mind all along, but writing it with purposeful contrast between calm words and cruel actions – all while during a birthday party made it pop for me.
EXT. WOZBIAK’S BACK YARD – DAY
Irene and Peter are throwing a birthday party for 7-year-old Harley. All the chaotic trimmings are in play: balloons and streamers, a table heaped with presents, another with cake and punch, and of course –
About a dozen kids are running around screaming, shooting silly string at each other, the dog, the rose bushes – and blowing noise-makers.
Everyone except HARLEY. Now grown into a beautiful blonde blue-eyed sweetheart, she stands at the table laden with gifts methodically picking up and inspecting one after another.
ACTION ON:
Pete grilling hot dogs; Irene futilely organizing pin-the-tail-on-the donkey game; one kid trying to pop all the balloons; another crying because she spilled juice on her dress. In a word: bedlam.
CUT TO:
Table with presents. Harley is no longer anywhere to be seen.
IRENE
Harley! Harley?
She looks around and can’t see her daughter anywhere. Goes to Peter –
IRENE (CONT’D)
Have you seen Harley?
PETER
She’s checking out her haul –
He indicates the gift table, frowns.
PETER (CONT’D)
Well she was there a minute ago –
EXT. WOZNIAK’S HOME, FRONT YARD – CONTINUOUS
Wrapping paper is strew along the front yard, leading to an open box marked ‘Science Kit’, which leads to Harley lying facedown on the sidewalk.
She has a huge magnifying glass in her hand intently studying the marching line of ants she’s frying to tiny black crisps.
IRENE
Harley! There you are!
Peter’s right on Irene’s heels.
PETER
What are you doing out here? The party’s out back!
HARLEY
Did you know ant colonies retain memories that outlast the lifespans of individuals – like a central brain. Because ants can teach what they learn to other ants.
Irene pulls Harley off the sidewalk and starts brushing the dirt from her party dress.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
And they have a caste system. There are queens, workers and males. The queen ant lays eggs. Males die not long after they mate. The worker ants are female ants and most of them stay in the ant nest and tend the young.
She reaches out a shiny black patent-leather shoe and purposefully squishes several underfoot.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
And a single ant can carry objects 10 – 50 times their body weight, which makes ants the world’s’ strongest creatures in relation to their size.
Harley bends over and picks up a twig with several ants dangling from it, then flings it away.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Some ants can survive even with damaged parts of their bodies, and some can last for weeks without food or water.
Peter and Irene exchange looks.
PETER
Okay – if ants are so cool – why do you want to kill them?
Harley shrugs.
HARLEY
It’s fun to watch them die.
Her parents are at a loss for words as Harley smiles up at them angelically.
PETER
Let’s get back to the rest of the kids.
He gently removes the magnifying glass from Harley and takes her hand, leading this strange placid child back to her birthday celebration.
-
Day 3: (Advanced Dialogue) – World View Scene
What I learned: Keeping a character’s world view in mind is as important as their traits. It also colored how I wrote the ‘audience’ in my scene.
Character Name: Cyrus Kilner
World View: Nobles Oblige (I was born and raised to lead and to have others follow me)
Life Metaphor: Power is mine / I am in control
Rules and Strategies:
Dress for success – appearances matter
Perception is everything
Schmoozing
The worst kind of political animal
Anything goes, as long as I’m not caught (Ethics? What ethics?)
Justifications:
The End justifies the Means
If I don’t take charge, who will?
I am entitled / born & bred to be in power
I know more than anyone else
INT. POSH COUNTRY CLUB – NIGHT
Cyrus and his wife, KAREN are ‘holding court’ in the large tastefully appointed dining room.
The mood is self-congratulatory – a post-election celebration.
Karen is the perfect arm candy for Cyrus – stylish, adoring. The center of attention is the ecosphere where she shines.
A variety of wealthy members buzz around Cyrus and Karen, the local royalty of the hour.
CYRUS
It wasn’t just a win John, it was a landslide! Not that we didn’t expect it to go that way.
JOHN
That’s what I like about you Cy – modest and humble to a fault!
LAUGHTER from the collective.
CYRUS
Two of my very best qualities!
Cyrus is jovial to a fault tonight. Nothing could spoil his sense of entitlement.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
In fact, here’s a toast to you, John.
(expansively)
And to all of my supporters. It was you who got me here. This State Judgeship is as much your victory as mine!
CLAPS and HURRAYS! from his admiring audience.
JOHN
So now we’ve got you situated at the state level. I assume we can count on your conservative influence at the Circuit Court of Appeals next?
KAREN
Now John, don’t try to move us out of our beloved <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state> too soon! We still have two children to raise and the next tier puts Cy in <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:city></st1:place>!
She gives a convincing shudder of horror.
CYRUS
Oh I think the 5th Circuit could use a a major infusion of good ol’ <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state> values!
Karen and Cyrus exchange looks – barely covering their naked ambition.
-
Day 2: (Advanced Dialogue) – Anita’s Character Traits Live!
What I learned: My characters don’t battle each other directly, but in the shadows – all the more reason to write precise, punchy dialogue that brings the reader back to their unspoken secrets. All three characters live surface lives colored by an illicit affair that resulted in an unwanted child. The only trait I addressed directly in this brief but important scene was Cyrus’ narcissism; and indirectly – his hypocrisy.
Danica – Mistress / Attorney
Ambitious
In denial
Secretive
Aloof
Cyrus – <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>Superior</st1:city></st1:place> / Judge
Narcissist
Hypocrite
Manipulative
Workaholic
Harley – Illegitimate Daughter
Amoral
Intelligent
Self-confident
Twisted
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
The living room is decorated like a Hallmark movie.
Cyrus, wife Karen, and their two kids (now 20-something’s) are opening gifts.
Karen pulls out four identically wrapped packages and hands them out, keeping one for herself.
The others look quizzical.
KAREN
Yes, I got one for me too! It’s something we can do as a family.
They all dutifully unwrap the matching boxes.
They are DNA test kits with the YourFamily Logo of 3 stylized stick figures holding hands.
Cyrus looks uncomfortable.
KAREN (CONT’D)
(laughing)
Don’t look so serious Cy – they won’t be stealing your soul or anything!
He puts on an amused face. The kids THANK their mom.
KAREN (CONT’D)
I thought it would be fun – everyone’s tracing their ancestry these days.
CYRUS
Sure. Who knows – we might find out we’re descended from Egyptian pharaohs.
SON
Right. And all you have to do is spit in a cup.
DAUGHTER
Don’t be gross.
CUT TO:
-
Day 1: (Advanced Dialogue) – Anita’s Great Dialogue Scene from ‘Lady Bird’
FOR SOME REASON, WORDPRESS PUTS IN ALL THIS FORMATTING MESS LIKE:
INT. 1994 <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city
w:st=”on”>TOYOTA</st1:city></st1:place> COROLLA.
<st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place
w:st=”on”>CALIFORNIA</st1:place></st1:state>. DAY.…WHENEVER A PLACE OR DATE IS INTRODUCED. USUALLY I TAKE THE TIME TO CLEAN IT UP – BUT NOT TODAY, AS I AM ALREADY BEHIND ON ASSIGNMENTS. SORRY.
What I learned: We learn so much about personality through this combative exchange. It makes the rare moments that these 2 do get along stand out all the more in stark relief. They are both true to their identities throughout.
NOTE: This is the 2<sup>nd</sup> scene of the movie, having established a mother / daughter trip.
INT. 1994 <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>TOYOTA</st1:city></st1:place> COROLLA. <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>CALIFORNIA</st1:place></st1:state>. DAY.
The last sentences of The Grapes of Wrath.
AUDIOBOOK
“Her hand moved behind his head and supported it. Her fingers moved gently in his hair. She looked up and across the barn, and her lips came together and smiled mysteriously.” You have been listening to ‘The Grapes of Wrath’ by John Steinbeck. If you..
(Pause)
Lady Bird ejects the tape, returns it to the case from the public library. They are both crying.
LADY BIRD (looking on the back)
Our college trip took 21 hours and 5 minutes.
NOTE: Succinct way to sum up the reason for their trip, and its duration.
They laugh and then wipe their tears. It’s a nice moment – they both had the same emotion.
Lady Bird immediately starts looking for a good song on the radio.
NOTE: These 2 are more alike than Lady Bird would want to acknowledge.
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
(turning it off)
Hey, you know, let’s just sit with what we heard?
NOTE: Establishes ‘Controlling Mom’.
LADY BIRD
(bristling)
Are you serious?
NOTE: Establishes ‘Combative Teenager’.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:city></st1:place>
We don’t need to be constantly entertaining ourselves, do we?
Lady Bird stares out the window, now sullen. Then:
LADY BIRD
I wish I could live through something.
NOTE: Angst and discontent signaled in a few short words.
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
Aren’t you?
LADY BIRD
Nope. The only exciting thing about 2002 is that it’s a palindrome.
NOTE: LB is both sarcastic and intelligent.
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
Ok fine, yours is the worst life of all, you win.
LADY BIRD
Oh so now you’re mad? Because I wanted to listen to music?
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
It’s just that you’re being ridiculous, you have a great life.
LADY BIRD
I’m sorry I’m not perfect.
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
Nobody is asking you to be perfect! Just considerate would do.
NOTE: They have both dug their heels in and are really squaring off.
LADY BIRD
(really picking a fight)
I don’t even want to go to school in this state anyway, I hate <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>California</st1:place></st1:state>. I want to go to the East Coast.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:city></st1:place>
Your Dad and I will barely be able to afford in-state tuition.
NOTE: This sets up a recurring theme with <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Marion</st1:place></st1:city> (concern over money) and the tension between 2 different perspectives, as LB only comes from a place of emotion.
LADY BIRD
There are loans, scholarships!
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:city></st1:place>
Your brother, your very smart brother, can’t even find a job –
NOTE: A real dig here.
LADY BIRD
He and Shelly work. They have jobs.
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
THEY BAG AT THE GROCERY STORE. That is not a career and they went to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>BERKELEY</st1:city></st1:place>.
NOTE: Escalation to exasperation.
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
Your father’s company is laying people off right and left, did you know that? No of course not because you don’t care about anyone but yourself.
NOTE: The crux of the matter for Marion – who sacrifices everything for her family and worries for survival while feeling underappreciated by a self-centered daughter – who can really push her buttons.
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
Immaculate Heart is already a luxury.
LADY BIRD
Immaculate FART. You wanted that, not me!
NOTE: LB’s immaturity comes out.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:city></st1:place>
Miguel saw someone knifed in front of him at Sac High, is that what you want? You’re telling me that you want to see someone knifed right in front of you?
NOTE: Sarcasm, escalating the argument.
LADY BIRD
He barely saw that. I want to go where culture is, like <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>New York</st1:place></st1:state>.
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
How in the world did I raise such a SNOB?
LADY BIRD
Or at least <st1:state w:st=”on”>Connecticut</st1:state> or <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>New Hampshire</st1:place></st1:state>. Where writers live in the woods.
NOTE: LB ignores her mother’s comment.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:city></st1:place>
You couldn’t get into those schools anyway.
LADY BIRD
MOM!
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city>
You can’t even pass your driver’s test.
LADY BIRD
Because you wouldn’t let me practice enough!
NOTE: The blame game.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:city></st1:place>
The way you work, the way you don’t work, you’re not even worth state tuition, Christine.
LADY BIRD
MY NAME IS LADY BIRD!
<st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:place></st1:city> (CONT’D)
Well actually, it’s not, and it’s ridiculous. Your name is Christine.
LADY BIRD
CALL ME LADY BIRD LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD!
NOTE: We now see how far apart they really are, from big life choices, to the smallest details.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>MARION</st1:city></st1:place>
You should just go to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placetype w:st=”on”>City</st1:placetype> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>College</st1:placetype></st1:place>, with your work ethic. <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>City</st1:placetype> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>College</st1:placetype> and then to jail then back to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placetype w:st=”on”>City</st1:placetype> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>College</st1:placetype></st1:place>. Maybe you’d learn how to pull yourself up and not expect everyone to do everything for you…
NOTE: The attitude of her mother pushes Lady Bird into such a corner, she feels she needs to physically escape to get out of this argument –
They slow for a stop light and Lady Bird dramatically opens the door and rolls out of the car. <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>Marion</st1:city></st1:place> screams.
-
Day 9: (RE: Subtext) – Anita’s Final Scene
Hi All, I was traveling, so just now posting this assignment. If there’s anyone else who has yet to receive feedback and would like some, or who would just like to critique my scene – please let me know! Thanks!
NOTE: This scene is near the end of Act 2. My 3 main characters ‘dance’ around each other in cat-and-mouse behaviors so there are very few times they interact directly. This scene represents Harley’s first attempt to uncover the identity of her biological parents (the beginning of her plotting against them), and she is using her new career in a lab to do it.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – LATE NIGHT
Harley’s sitting at one of the lab stations alone.
She rips open one of the company’s home DNA test kits and opens the provided plastic vial. Spits into it.
Holding the vial she slides her wheeled stool over to a series of chemicals standing in tiny glass tubes and picks up a calibrated pipette to meticulously extract her saliva one drop at a time to squirt into each color-coded tube.
Harley caps, shakes and places each test tube into a machine.
She turns it on. Various lights, motions, WHIRRING SOUNDS indicate a complicated series of processes. She waits patiently until the machine CLICKS off.
She turns her attention to the attached computer screen whose output reads like a scientific journal. She scrolls through –
DATA COLLECTION # 867,951,722 ANALYSIS
Assay Genome sequence complete.
Panels and exomes complete.
Client’s Categorical results follow:
Health risks
Nutritional needs
Ancestry
Maternal Haplogroup
Paternal Haplogroup
DNA Relatives
– Harley stops scrolling.
She hovers the mouse for just a moment and then CLICKS on:
DNA Relatives
Only Harley sees the detailed results; we read them on her face – which becomes uncharacteristically emotional.
Suddenly she swivels the stool over to her first station, logs on to her computer, calls up the company’s main database and rapidly types in two names:
DANICA BRAHMS
CYRUS KILNER
Harley barrels her chair over to another computer and Googles: DANICA BRAHMS.
She swings to a third terminal, Googling: CYRUS KILNER.
Still seated, she see-saws back and forth between the two screens reading everything she can as rapidly as possible about the biological parents she never knew – and who don’t know her.
She mutters reactions to some of what she reads under her breath –
HARLEY
Judge… ha! … And attorney…. Makes sense.
(beat)
Wait – what the fuck? … A right-wing asshole politician… and a pro-abortion activist?… that’s some messed-up schizophrenic shit –
She suddenly stops at a news article under Danica’s online Bio.
It’s an obituary for Harley’s grandparents.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
(reading aloud)
…killed in a gruesome motorcycle accident. Names: <st1:place w:st=”on”>Georgina</st1:place> and Edgar – nickname, Harley.
(beat)
Great, “MOM”! You didn’t really name me after your father, thank god – EDGAR – jeez, but after the vehicle that killed him!
She snorts.
CUT TO:
-
Day 7: Anita’s Subtext – Directional FOS Patterns
What I learned doing this assignment: I designed this scene for subtext: ‘Something is off.’ It is Harley who is off. I tried to include as many FOS’s as possible, but don’t know how well I succeeded. I think I may have used these more in the action descriptions than the dialogue. I think I need a few more passes at this, but here’s my effort for the moment.
1. Look to your outline and find a scene where one or more characters are hiding something from each other or need to communicate a message but can’t be direct.
2. Write the scene using as many figures-of-speech as you can from this list:
Metaphor
Implication
Insinuation
Hint
Sarcasm
Allusion
EXT./INT. YOUR-FAMILY GENETIC RESEARCH LAB – CONTINUOUS
The YourFamily Logo (3 stylized stick figures holding hands) is prominently displayed on the building outside and in the reception area.
It is a large, aesthetically pleasing modern facility, obviously with tons of money behind it.
Harley enters and approaches the RECEPTIONIST.
She of course has no idea that her classic suit and new chic haircut mirrors Danica’s usual polished look.
FOUR TWENTY-SOMETHINGS walk in right behind her, obvious friends – laughing – more casual than Harley, bearing designer coffees instead of briefcases.
Harley’s preempted in her chance to address the receptionist.
One of the 4 peers – JOSH – a good-looking, tall drink of water flashes the receptionist one of his easy-going smiles –
JOSH
Hi there! We’re the new lab rats!
The others laugh. Harley has now been absorbed into the group, but is the cheerless sore thumb.
RECEPTIONIST
Yes. Welcome! Sign in here and I’ll get your badges activated.
As the group signs in at the counter the receptionist preps their photo ID badges much like a hotel clerk preps keys at check-in.
RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D)
After today you’ll be in the mainframe and the usual entrance will be a hand scan.
She indicates a palm reading machine at the entry turn-style, its use demonstrated by her own palm placed and scanned, opening an entry arm.
JOSH
Hey, if it reads palms, will it tell my fortune too?
The other three new recruits are used to Josh’s joking and reward him with the usual assortment of chuckles.
RECEPTIONIST
Follow me.
INT. CORPORATE BUILDING CORRIDORS – CONTINUOUS
The group of five, Harley among them, are led down numerous corridors and up two separate elevators. This place is massive.
They finally reach a glass-walled lab with multiple computer terminals and various high-tech lab stations.
The four friends are boggled and express various murmurs of awe served alonside fist-bumps.
The receptionist leaves them as a SENIOR LAB TECH enters.
LAB TECH
(friendly)
Welcome to your new home, lab rats.
Appreciative snickers.
LAB TECH (CONT’D)
Ah – you may laugh now, but the title exists because as the newbies you will be spending most of your waking hours, and not a few of your sleeping hours right here.
He walks as he talks, indicating various side rooms and technical / medical stations.
LAB TECH (CONT’D)
As you know from your recruiters, this facility is designed to take the genetic information we receive from our millions of DNA clients and translate that data into useful analysis and testing.
They stop in front of a room full of cages. Various animals – rabbits, monkeys, mice, and literal guinea pigs stare lackadaisically through bars at their new keepers.
LAB TECH (CONT’D)
So, who wants to go first?
The new employees look at each other, confused.
The Technician points to a white board outside the animal test site’s door.
Under “Today’s Investigations” it states:
‘Electrode implant protein trials: male rabbits’
Harley, who has been a silent but keen observer up to this point sets down her briefcase and calmly steps forward.
HARLEY
Me. I’ll be your guinea pig.
The Technician nods appreciatively, hands her a white lab coat from a hook, and notes her name badge.
LAB TECH
Okay Harley. Show us how it’s done.
She dons the coat. Walks into the animal’s room and confidently approaches the rabbits. She opens a cage, pulls out the small fluffy animal and unabashedly checks its gender.
JOSH
What, no flirting? No dinner?
Harley pays no attention but strides into the lab and finds a station that is obviously medical in nature.
HARLEY
Type of sedation?
LAB TECH
Ketamine.
Harley nods. She unceremoniously hands the rabbit over to Josh.
The Sr. Tech goes to a locked glass-fronted refrigerator and selects the appropriate miniature vial while Harley washes up in a sink.
JOSH
So we’re really doing this now
?
He’s a mix of raw excitement seasoned with trepidation. A couple of the other new recruits look pale.
RECRUIT ONE
(under her breath)
Are we clinically cleared to do this?
RECRUIT TWO
Has she been clinically cleared? She seems awfully clinical to me –
Harley hears this but ignores the comments as she pulls together a syringe and alcohol wipes.
HARLEY
Scales?
The technician points to some nearby. Harley takes the rabbit from Josh and goes over and weighs it; then returns it to the medical station.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Josh. Hold him steady for me.
He does so. Harley checks a weight and measurements chart; inserts the syringe into the vial of ketamine and measures out the appropriate amount.
Without a second’s hesitation she grabs a bunch of fat between the bunny’s shoulders, swabs the area with an alcohol wipe and unceremoniously injects the animal with the ketamine.
It goes limp almost immediately.
PEER THREE
(swaying)
God I hate needles.
LAB TECH
Very efficient.
Josh looks a bit in awe of Harley.
LAB TECH (CONT’D)
What are the next steps? – Anyone besides Harley.
JOSH
Well, we’d have to shave the rabbit’s hair before we could place the electrodes –
PEER THREE
(backing up)
Uh, excuse me – I wasn’t prepared for the deep end – I think, I think I’ll just find my way out –
She practically runs for the door.
LAB TECH
Squeamish much?
(beat)
All of you are pre-med. This is not a microscope-slide, graph-and-charts kind of gig. So better to deal with that realization now.
He makes eye contact with the four remaining lab recruits.
LAB TECH (CONT’D)
Okay. Harley and Josh, I’ll assign you two as lab partners –
As the tech continues his orientation, Josh is focused on the beautiful Harley. While Harley remains fixated on the comatose animal.
-
Day 6: Subtext – Anita’s Dialogue Cover-ups
What I learned doing this assignment:This helped me get into the head of my character.
1. Write a quick scene and end it with the need for a response from one character.
NOTE: Prior to this we know Harley has uncovered her biological mother’s identity through her employer’s ‘YourFamily’ DNA database.
My character’s internal subtext here is: Plotting.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Harley’s working late and alone (again) staring at her oversized computer screen.
Bored with scrolling through test data results she toggles over to the obituaries. This is a ghoulish but favorite pastime for her, which we know because it is bookmarked as one of her “favorites”.
Suddenly she stops at the picture and heading of:
“Rebecca (Brahms) Peters”
Harley learns that she is survived by a husband, two children, and a sister – Danica Brahms.
Cause of death: Acute Kidney Disease.
HARLEY (talks aloud to herself)
Well, shit. Sorry I never knew ya’ Auntie.
Harley opens an e-file she has on Danica and scrolls through to a medical analysis of blood type, genetic markers, and kidney function information.
HARLEY
Looks like time’s just about up for you too mamacita.
Suddenly Harley gets a bright idea. She goes into the company’s database and searches for:
Kilner, Cyrus
We don’t see what Harley sees on the screen – only her reaction to it.
2. Then give an example of how they might use each of the cover-up methods.
METHODS OF COVER-UP:
– Silence:
Obviously the scene just ends on Harley’s facial expression.
– Action incongruent with words.
Harley abruptly shuts the computer off and runs from the room.
– Change subject.
“Suddenly, I’ve got a huge appetite.”
– Attack back.
“You piece of shit database. You never have the info I need when I need it.”
– Complement them.
“Hello handsome”
– Threaten them.
“There you are, you fucker. Gotcha.”
– Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.
“Just what I thought all along.”
– Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a different direction.
“Okay. On to scheduling . . .”
– Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.
Harley starts crying. (We’ve never seen her do this before)
– Distraction.
Harley spills a coke on her keyboard, crashing all the data.
– Make a joke of it.
Harley laughs at what she finds.
– Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.
“All in a day’s work.”
3. Pick the best response.
4. Copy and paste the scene at the end, with the response you choose.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Harley’s working late and alone (again) staring at her oversized computer screen.
Bored with scrolling through test data results she toggles over to the obituaries. This is a ghoulish but favorite pastime for her, which we know because it is bookmarked as one of her “favorites”.
Suddenly she stops at the picture and heading of:
“Rebecca (Brahms) Peters”
…survived by a husband, two children, and a sister – Danica Brahms.
Cause of death: Acute Kidney Disease.
HARLEY (talks aloud to herself)
Well, shit. Sorry I never knew ya’ Auntie.
Harley opens an e-file she has on Danica and scrolls through to a medical analysis of blood type, genetic markers, and kidney function information. After a quick study –
HARLEY
Looks like time’s just about up for you too mamacita.
Suddenly Harley gets a bright idea. She goes into the company’s database and searches for:
Kilner, Cyrus
We don’t see what Harley sees on the screen – only her reaction to it – an ominous grin.
HARLEY
There you are, you fucker. Gotcha.
-
Day 5: Subtext – Anita’s Symbols as Subtext
What I learned from this exercise: This helped me with a small dilemma I was having – how do I connect the dots between 3 characters when 2 of them have never met and don’t know each other (Cyrus, biological father to Harley – his daughter, unknown to him). Using the same symbol for the lab she works at and the DNA tests that reveal all the characters to each other was super helpful!
1. INTRODUCE THE SYMBOL through its meaning early in the story.
Beginning of Act Two:
Brilliant Harley graduates college early and is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics with a big $$ Grant thru the DNA tracking company called ‘YourFamily’ – with the symbol of 3 stick figure people connected by their holding hands.
We see Harley working in this lab over the course of several scenes, locking the Company Logo (3 stick figures holding hands) into the audience’s mind. Here Harley displays the same cold ambition as her biological mother, exemplified by dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the lab, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back about her cold detachment. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and later becomes her boyfriend.
2. SET ITS MEANING POWERFULLY enough so that just its presence
will cause an audience response.
Later in Act Two:
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
Cyrus’s wife gives the family (the 2 kids now in their young 20’s) each a genetic DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but agrees to take the test. The tests are from the ‘YourFamily’ Lab with the 3-person logo.
Later, Harley is able to access the Company database to find her biological parents there.
3. USE THE SYMBOL TO CAUSE OR SHOW CHANGE in the characters or
their situation. This is where a symbol is powerful.
This scene was already written, in Act Three:
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
Cyrus’s WIFE KAREN comes home, throws her keys on the hall table and picks up the mail.
Karen is delighted to see the 4 Fed-X type packets with the return address of ‘Your Family’ – the genetic DNA company Karen gifted her family with at Christmas.
She carries them into the living room, sits and tears hers open. She smiles at the report and sets it aside.
Karen then picks up her husband’s report and after a moment of consideration tears this one open too.
She begins scanning the results. She stops dead halfway through, her smile fading, shaking her head in denial.
We see what she does – the section titled:
IMMEDIATE KNOWN RELATIVES
Children: 3
KAREN
Well that’s a mistake!
Karen grabs the last two packets marked with her children’s names and quickly rips them open. She goes immediately to each report’s pertinent section and reads:
IMMEDIATE KNOWN RELATIVES
Siblings: 2
KAREN (CONT’D)
No, no, no, NO!
Karen jumps to her feet scattering the paperwork to the ground.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – LATER THAT NIGHT
Cyrus comes home and throws his keys on the counter – echoing his wife’s moves earlier – he too scans the mail and tosses it back down, finding nothing of immediate importance.
Cyrus walks through the house into the mostly dark living room calling out as he goes.
CYRUS
Hey hon, I’m home!
He loosens his tie, flips on a light and goes to a sideboard to pour himself a drink.
Cyrus is startled to see his wife quietly sitting in a corner chair in the gloom.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
Oh hey! Didn’t see you there. Let me get you one of these too. We’re celebrating!
Cyrus pours a second tumbler of whiskey and walks it over to his wife.
Karen woodenly takes the offered drink. Cyrus is too revved up to notice her closed demeanor.
He lifts his drink in a toast.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
You’re looking at the next 5th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge! Babe, we’re off to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:city></st1:place>!
He’s beaming. Takes a large swallow.
Karen quietly puts her drink down without emotion.
KAREN
There is no more WE, Cyrus. WE are not celebrating. WE are not moving to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:city></st1:place>.
CYRUS (sputtering)
What are you talking about? This is what we’ve been working so hard for – all the campaigning and the hours of political schmoozing at those god-awful boring social events – all the sacrifice – it’s paid off babe! And who knows what this will lead to -I think I can go all the way –
KAREN
You can Cyrus. You can go all the way to hell.
She stands. He’s utterly confused.
Karen picks up the reports that have been on the coffee table, hands them to Cyrus.
He sets his drink down to look at them.
KAREN (CONT’D)
To be helpful, I’ve highlighted the pertinent parts.
The CHILDREN and SIBLINGS areas are highlighted.
So is the ‘YourFamily’ company logo – mocking him from the page.
CYRUS
I don’t understand – I thought – I mean –
KAREN
Genetics don’t lie Cyrus. You have had a child with another woman. So you can go to <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:place></st1:city>, or go to hell. I don’t really care. But wherever you go, you will be going alone.
No longer able to hold in her seething rage she picks up her drink and throws it in Cyrus’ stunned face.
-
Day 4: Subtext – Anita’s Subtext Scene
What I learned from this exercise: What goes unsaid can be as meaningful as what is said.
1. First, tell us any background we may need to know.
This scene is in Act One – right after Danica tells her Evangelical sister she is getting an abortion; and just before Danica is at the clinic – where she ultimately decides against an abortion.
2. Answer the basic subtext questions about the scene.
1. What is the meaning of the subtext? Danica was raised with the same religious background as her sister Rebecca, who has taken the path to an extreme, while Dani has left her religious roots behind.
2. What is the cover-up? Rebecca is unable / unwilling to reveal to her Bible study friends what Dani is planning, but still wants prayer for her. ALSO: It is Rebecca who really needs the prayer for her own kidney disease, but doesn’t ask for it.
3. When will the meaning be revealed? Before, during, or after? During (for Rebecca) and After (for Danica).
4. How will the meaning be revealed? Rebecca’s pain becomes evident. And then, in the next scene, when Dani’s conscience weighs on her (helped by a religious choir singing ‘Amazing Grace’ outside the clinic.
3. Pick one or more of the scene designs for subtext.
B. Dramatic Irony
INT. REBECCA’S LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Rebecca is hosting a women’s prayer group. There are SEVEN OTHER CHURCH LADIES helping to arrange chairs in a circle for the meeting as they chat.
Rebecca is in the adjoining kitchen arranging platters of snacks. She leans on the counter with one hand while rubbing her back with another as CHURCH LADY ONE comes in with another covered dish.
REBECCA
Thanks Claire, just set it anywhere.
CHURCH LADY ONE
Becky honey – are you okay?
REBECCA
Oh sure. Just been running after the kids all day. You know how it is.
CHURCH LADY ONE (placated)
Boy and howdy, don’t I? Jimmy lost another tooth today and then he literally lost it! You’d think it was the end of the world – drama, drama, drama!
The two of them join the rest of the group already seated in the living room, Bibles in their laps.
CHURCH LADY TWO
Here we are. Well, let’s turn to our two verses for tonight’s lesson – Psalms 139 and 51.
The women obediently settle down and thumb through their page-worn Bibles to the two requested verses.
CHURCH LADY TWO
Becky, would you please read for us tonight?
REBECCA (looking a bit shaky)
Psalm 139: “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
(beat)
Psalm 51: “Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.”
CHURCH LADY TWO
Now let’s discuss how both these things can be true –
INT. REBECCA’S LIVING ROOM – LATER
The group has just finished up with their study and close their Bibles.
Becky winces as she moves in her chair.
CHURCH LADY TWO
Okay. Thank you ladies. Now it’s time for prayer requests and then we can indulge in all those delicious snacks Sister Rebecca has set out for us.
CHURCH LADY ONE (jumps right in)
Well, my little Suzy has another ear ache – fifth time this year!
CHURCH LADY THREE (very pregnant)
I wish I could indulge tonight, but the doctor tells me I have gestational diabetes now. So yes – please keep me in your prayers!
Murmurs of commiseration all around.
Long pause.
CHURCH LADY TWO
Anyone else?
REBECCA
Most of you know my sister Danica. She’s facing a very difficult decision – and well, I just want to ask God to guide her and grant her wisdom and clarity.
ALL
Amen
CHURCH LADY TWO
Let us pray –
They bow their heads in unison –
-
Day 3: Subtext – Anita’s Subtext Relationships
What I learned from this exercise: It added a few more layers of interest and possible additional plot points.
Character Name: Danica Brahms
Subtext Identity: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext Logline: Danica is a driven pro-life lawyer with a secret whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss, Cyrus.
Character Name: Cyrus Kilner
Subtext Identity: Unethical, Political
Character Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even the hypocritical desire for his mistress Danica to get an abortion – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
Character Name: Harley Wozniak
Subtext Identity: Evil / Amoral, no moral center or self-restraint
Character Traits: Intelligent, Self-confident, Willful, Bad-tempered
Subtext Logline: Harley is a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman with abandonment issues who kills her biological father Cyrus, allowing his kidney to become the life-saving transplant her mother needs.
Possible subtext scenarios:
– Danica does not have an abortion like she indicated to Cyrus that she would – he doesn’t find out until years later.
– Harley is born (like her mother) with only one kidney.
– Driven by her own experiences, Danica becomes a well-known pro-choice advocate lawyer.
– Cyrus becomes an appellate court judge allowing him to then run into Danica professionally 20 years after their affair.
– Seeing Cyrus in court triggers Danica and her work starts suffering.
– The product of her parents’ genetics shows up in Harley as being psychologically damaged, being cruel to animals and emotionally cold to people.
– Harley gets pregnant herself and has an abortion, much to the chagrin of her boyfriend.
– Danica’s sister dies from kidney disease, sending Danica to her doctor who tells her she needs a kidney donor to save her own life.
– Danica’s secret affair with Cyrus combined with her advancing kidney disease ultimately leads to her emotional and physical breakdown, leading her to search for her unwanted daughter.
– Danica needs a kidney donor, but her daughter only has one – Danica is forced to face her motives in searching for her daughter (to warn her? Or use her?)
– Harley, having access to info at her research lab, discovers who her parents are and that her mother needs a transplant.
– Harley realizes Cyrus is a match for her mother as a donor and plots to kill him.
– The affair Cyrus had with Danica is ultimately discovered by his wife who then leaves him.
– Harley is so emotionally twisted that she is able to kill Cyrus in a hit-and-run car accident, and set him up as a donor for Danica, all unbeknownst to Danica.
-
Day 2: Subtext – Anita’s Subtext Characters
What I learned from this scene: My characters have clearly evolved since I first looked at their traits. Bringing their subtext traits to the foreground gives an added dimension of richness.
Character Name: Danica Brahms
Subtext Identity: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext Logline: Danica is a driven pro-life lawyer with a secret whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Possible areas of subtext: Danica moves to another state to either have an abortion, or start a new life with the child. Her indiscreet affair follows her throughout life coloring every decision she makes as she becomes both more of a pro-choice advocate and a loner and emotionally detached. Her secret ultimately leads to her emotional and physical breakdown, leading her to search for her unwanted daughter.
Character Name: Cyrus Kilner
Subtext Identity: Unethical, Political
Character Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
Possible areas of subtext: His public persona and private decisions become more in conflict with each other as time goes on. The affair he had with Danica is ultimately discovered by his wife who then leaves him. The discovery of his hypocritical and unethical behavior ultimately costs him his life, at the hands of his rejected daughter Harley.
Character Name: Harley Wozniak
Subtext Identity: Evil / Amoral, no moral center or self-restraint
Character Traits: Intelligent, Self-confident, Willful, Bad-tempered
Subtext Logline: Harley is a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman with abandonment issues who kills her biological father Cyrus, allowing his kidney to become the life-saving transplant her mother needs.
Possible areas of subtext: Harley is the ultimate product of her parents’ genetics – she is both brilliant and damaged. Harley can’t connect emotionally with her adoptive parents or her boyfriend or even coworkers. Her intellectual abilities actually enable her lack of need for human connection, ratcheting up an in-born propensity for being a sociopath with disassociate disorder.
-
Day 1: Subtext – Anita’s Great Subtext Scene
What I learned from this scene: An excellent reminder to let thoughts and feelings shine through the dialogue. It isn’t necessary to be overt to get an idea across.
Film: GRAN <st1:place w:st=”on”>TORINO</st1:place>
These are the opening scenes spanning 5 pages.
FADE IN:
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>CHURCH</st1:placetype></st1:place>
We’re at the funeral of Dorothy Kowalski. In attendance are mostly old folks, their offspring and several bored teenagers.NOTE: Right away we know we are dealing with the aged.
WALT KOWALSKI stands towards the front of the church. He speaks to an older MAN in a bulky, out-of-date suit.
OLDER MAN
I’m real sorry about Dorothy, Walt. She was a real peach.WALT
Thanks for coming, Al.Walt Kowalski looks young for his age. He has slate blue eyes, physically fit and has had the same buzz cut hairstyle since getting out of the military in 1953. Walt is also a perfectionist. Nothing escapes his hawklike eyes, eyes that pierce and judge.
Walt looks around at how the young people have dressed at his wife’s funeral. His eyes narrow at his GRANDDAUGHTER’s belly button ring.
WALT
Jesus Christ.NOTE: Walt is old-fashioned, and also judgmental by nature.
Walt’s two sons, MITCH and STEVE, watch their father from across the pews.
MITCH
Look at the Old Man glaring at Ashley. He can’t even tone it down at Mom’s funeral?STEVE
What do you expect? Dad’s still living in the ‘50s. He expects his granddaughter to dress a little more modestly.MITCH
Yeah, well your kid’s wearing a Timberwolves jersey. I’m sure Dad appreciates that.STEVE
My point is that there’s nothing anyone can do that won’t disappoint the Old Man. It’s inevitable. That’s why we stopped doing Thanksgivings; the deal with the boat motor, the
broken bird bath, it’s always something.NOTE: Walt does not have a close relationship with either of his 2 children. This conversation underscores his conservative and probably out-dated and judgmental ways.
MITCH
What are we going to do with him? Don’t you think he’ll get in trouble by himself over in the old neighborhood?NOTE: They may be concerned about his living conditions, but not in a kindly way.
STEVE
Why don’t you have him move in with you?MITCH
Ha ha.<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>CHURCH</st1:placetype></st1:place> – LATER
The choir sings the Beatitudes.Walt looks around disgustedly at the people gathered as one woman looks through her day planner, an old guy dozes and his Granddaughter Ashley applies nail polish.
FATHER JANOVICH, the very young parish priest, steps up to the altar and delivers the eulogy for Walt’s wife. Walt sits ramrod straight and listens to the thin, weak, unconvincing words of Father Janovich.
FATHER JANOVICH
Death… is often a bittersweet occasion to us Catholics. Bitter – in the pain it causes the deceased… and their families. Sweet to those who know the salvation that awaits them. And some may ask, what is death. Is it the end? Or is it the beginning? And what is life? What is this thing we call life?WALT
Jesus.NOTE: His posture, his observations, and his reaction to the Priest tell us many things about Walt. He is a rigid man with no time for even religion. In a word, Walt is a curmudgeon.
Walt coughs. He takes a handkerchief and wipes his lips. He looks down and notices a speck of BLOOD on the white cloth.
NOTE: Walt is sick. But we don’t know with what, or how bad it is.
INT. WALT’S HOUSE – SAME TIME
The house is crammed with people following the service. Walt doesn’t know what to do with himself. He has to keep busy. Steve steps over to his father.STEVE
A lot of people showed up after the service.WALT
Yeah, well, I s’pose they knew there’d be plenty of ham. I think I’ll go downstairs and get some more chairs.NOTE: Walt just doesn’t like people. He is anti-social. And people don’t like him much either.
STEVE
I’ll do it, Dad.WALT
Naw, we need them now, not next week.NOTE: Walt is cold and mean – even to his son.
INT. CELLAR – SAME TIME
Grandsons JOSH, DANIEL and DAVID look through boxes in the cellar. A box of old Korea War photos are pawed through. Josh holds up a black-and-white PHOTO — a young WALT looks utterly exhausted, behind him six bodies are sprawled dead on the ground.DAVID
Is that Dad?DANIEL
No, it’s Grandpa Walt.
Josh turns the photo over and reads it…
JOSH
‘Third Platoon, E company, March second, 1952, <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:country-region w:st=”on”>Korea</st1:country-region></st1:place>.’DANIEL
Where’s <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Korea</st1:place></st1:country-region>?JOSH
Hell if I know?NOTE: The grandchildren really don’t know their grandfather. In fact, that generation doesn’t seem to know much about the world outside themselves.
David holds up a MEDAL.
DAVID
Cool, I found a medal.They hear someone coming downstairs. By the time Walt descends the staircase, the boys sit on the couch, pretending to be doing nothing.
Walt gives them a hard look as he grabs some chairs.
NOTE: The hostility / lack of empathy is mutual.
UPSTAIRS
People eat and chat. Ashley marches over to her parents, KAREN and Mitch.ASHLEY (GRANDDAUGHTER)
How long do we have to stay, this ghetto is a dead zone for my cell and I’m bored.Walt stands behind them with an armful of folding chairs, he overheard his Granddaughter. Mitch and Karen are embarrassed.
MITCH
Ashley, honey. Why don’t you help Grandpa Walt with the chairs?ASHLEY
Me?KAREN
Yes you.ASHLEY
Grandpa Walt, can I help you with the chairs.WALT
I’ll take care of it, you just painted your nails.NOTE: Walt doesn’t miss a thing, and the thing he notices is – his grandkids are spoiled and selfish.
Walt opens the folding chairs and looks out the window. It’s snowing. Walt puts on his coat, he almost looks relieved to get out of the house.
WALT
I’d better salt the sidewalk before someone falls and breaks a hip.NOTE: Grouchy attitude about everyone and everything.
Walt taps the floor with his boot and DAISY, his very, very, very old DOG follows him outside.
EXT. WALT’S HOUSE – EVENING
Walt carefully shovels his sidewalk. He deliberately stops at the boundary of his property. The reason for this is that Walt’s neighbors are now mostly Asians who moved into the house that once belonged to Polish families. Next door to Walt’s house some sort of party is going on. Walt can see through the window that the living room is jammed with at least forty people, all Asians, all Hmong. And this is a problem for Walt, because Walt is a full-blown, unrepentant racist.Walt lights a cigarette and speaks to his dog, Daisy.
WALT
Jesus Christ, how many swamp rats can they cram into a living room?Walt spits in the snow and walks back to the garage.
NOTE: This is the reveal of his racist attitudes – the reasons hinted at earlier in seeing a picture of him in the Korean War with lost comrades in arms.
-
Anita’s Writing With Boldness – V.2
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DUSK
Eyes groggily open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene – especially through the gloomy dusk and hazy lens of post-op drugs.
A TV news anchor is nattering in the background.
Wincing in pain, Danica hobbles out of bed and with weak and wobbly arms drags her I.V. pole and limps to a mirror.
Gingerly lifting her hospital gown she discovers a large bandage over her lower right abdomen. She warily peels back the white gauze to reveal a long red angry trail of stitches.
Danica’s deeply confused. Is this the kidney transplant she was praying for?
Harley walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy.
Danica is stunned silent. This is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters.
Danica sways, wonders what kind of drugs she’s on. She turns back to her mirrored image – then to Harley – yep, there’s really two of them in the room.
Harley nonchalantly picks up the TV remote and raises the volume.
TV ANCHOR
.. the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus Kilner at his home early this morning. Police say their only lead is a silver sedan seen driving on the street. If anyone has more information –
Harley clicks the report off.
She turns to her mother, a sublime grin on her face.
HARLEY
Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he was signed up as an organ donor.
Danica’s knees give out and she slides into a chair like jello.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Maybe his nickname should have been Ford – you know, like Grandpa Edgar was called Harley.
Danica goes from pale to ashen, eyes wide on the stranger before her.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
What? Too soon?
Harley rings out a strange bright laugh at her own twisted joke.
FADE TO BLACK.
-
Day 10: – Writing with Boldness – Anita’s PAGE TURNER!
I am posting a little late, but I welcome an exchange of critiques from any / all interested in doing so! Thanks!
What I learned: All the small details matter! The reminder to use economy of words is a good one for me.
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Character Name: Harley
Traits: Dominating, Self-confident, Willful, Bad-tempered
Subtext: Evil / Immoral, no moral center or self-restraint
Character Logline: Harley is a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman with abandonment issues who kills her biological father Cyrus, allowing his kidney to become the life-saving transplant her mother needs.
NOTE: This scene is the final one of my screenplay. It is where all the threads need to come together. Importantly, I have changed the daughter’s name from Dianna to Harley The reason, stated earlier by Dianna, is in honor of her father. We learn along the way this was his nickname, and also how Dianna’s parents died, i.e. – in a motorcycle accident.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DUSK
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene – especially in the gloomy dusk.
A TV news anchor is nattering in the background.
Wincing in pain, Danica hobbles out of bed dragging her I.V. pole with her as she limps to a mirror.
Gingerly lifting her hospital gown she discovers a large bandage over lower right abdomen. She warily peels back the white gauze to reveal a long red angry trail of stitches.
Danica’s nothing but confused.
Just then – Harley walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy.
Danica is stunned silent. This is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters.
Danica sways, wonders what kind of drugs she’s on. She turns back to her mirrored image – then to Harley – yep, there’s two of them in the room.
Harley nonchalantly picks up the TV remote and raises the volume.
TV ANCHOR
.. the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus Kilner at his home early this morning. Police say their only lead is a silver sedan seen driving on the street. If anyone has more information –
Harley switches the report off. She turns to her mother, a sublime grin on her face.
HARLEY
Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he was signed up as an organ donor.
Danica’s knees give out and she slides into a chair like jello.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Maybe he should have been called Ford.
Danica goes from pale to ashen, eyes wide on the stranger before her.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
What, too soon?
Harley rings out a strange bright laugh at her own twisted joke.
FADE TO BLACK.
-
Day 8: – Writing with Boldness – Anita’s EXTREME EMOTION
What I learned: These 2 scenes are the end of Act One. I always knew I needed a gut punch here – at the moment where Danica gives up her baby. These are just the tools needed for the job.
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Write a scene and use the three keys to emotional description to deliver the emotional experience to us.
Key One: Economy.
Key Two: Deliver the essence.
Key Three: Visual, then internal/emotion.
INT. DANICA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Nothing has changed in the sparse apartment.
Except now Danica’s newborn sits in a car seat on the sofa screaming her lungs out.
Danica paces with her hands over her ears. She picks up a bottle and tries thrusting it into the baby’s mouth, with the result of making her scream louder.
Danica inanely picks up a rattle and jingles it before the infant. If possible, the volume of distress only increases.
Danica begins rocking the car seat at a manic pace.
The defenseless child is inconsolable.
DANICA
SHUT UP!!
Again Danica paces the cramped apartment, ears covered, screaming aloud herself in an attempt to drown out the now hysterical cries.
DANICA (CONT’D)
SHUT UP!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT, LATE
A FIREMAN leans at the open engine bay doors with his coffee break mug in hand.
Danica approaches the fire station holding the car seat with a now blissfully quiet child – likely sleeping out of sheer exhaustion.
Dani sees the fireman and hesitates. But then moves in with determination.
DANICA
This is a Safe Haven site, right?
The fireman is taken off guard, but then sees the sleeping infant.
FIREMAN
Yes ma’am. How can I help?
DANICA
Here.
She thrusts the car seat unceremoniously at him. He grabs it out of reflex, the mug crashing to the ground in the process.
Unburdened, Dani immediately looks relieved. She turns to go.
FIREMAN
Hey wait!
DANICA
What?
FIREMAN
Is this your baby?
Danica has zero desire to engage – at the edge of losing it. He can see that now.
FIREMAN (CONT’D)
Come inside and let’s talk. You look like you could use a cup of coffee – maybe a friend to talk to?
DANICA
Oh, you want to be friends? NO! I don’t need you – and I certainly don’t want HER! I never wanted her!
Dani’s voice is getting hysterical, causing the baby to whimper.
FIREMAN
Sshhh –
He’s not sure if he’s talking to Dani or the baby –
DANICA
I HAVE TO YELL – BECAUSE – WELL, BECAUSE – No. ONE. is – LISTENING!
FIREMAN
Ok. Ok.
His rocking has soothed the infant – his tone of voice soothing Dani.
FIREMAN (CONT’D)
Does she have a name?
The innocent everyday question gives Dani pause.
DANICA
(softly)
Harley. Her name’s Harley – after my dad.
Danica turns on her heel and runs back into the night.
-
Day 7: – Writing with Boldness – Anita’s VISUALS
What I learned: I enjoyed both parts of this exercise – absorbing other’s turns of phrase, and a reminder that I need to up my own descriptive game! This is more of the ‘word-smithing’ part of my own rewrite process – the polishing aspect of writing I really enjoy.
Part One: Description from CODA, pages 1-10
Open ocean; a rusty 32-foot fishing trawler; slices the grey water; waves slap the boat; engine roars; winch creaks; gulls circle; Ruby belts out a song; Frank – 50’s, bearded, weathered; Leo – early 20’s handsome, tattooed; an impressive haul; cleaning fish by slushing them around in a bucket with his boot; the radio crackles; snatches up the receiver; the rocky granite shore
City Hall towers above the town; quaint shopping district fades into the working wharf; fishermen mingle… as Ruby weaves through them; calm ya livah, honey; a polished commercial district
Faint sound of SNORING is Ruby passed out; her friend launches in without missing a beat; Audra, beautiful and horrible; Audra slaps his ass; Ruby feels invisible; glances furtively; Ruby eye-shushes her; Jackie – beautiful, 40’s, heavy-handed make-up
Nuts like angry hard little beets covered in barnacles; like a boiled lobster claw
Bangs pots and clangs lids; drowning them out; Jackie beams; her crazy family
Kids stream in; Bernardo Villalobos – quick-witted and wearing abnormally tight pants; I’m in a mood; barks out critiques
Part Two:
Look back through your last few assignment scenes. Pick out 5 descriptive sentences you can improve. List the sentences, then how you would improve them using the following:
A. Concrete noun
B. Action verb
C. Metaphor
D. Exaggeration
E. Comparison
1) There’s a lengthy pause as the Judge refers to a few papers on his desk. Then he folds his hands and peers down at the two women, ready to pronounce ‘judgment’.
CHANGE TO: A sanctimonious pause and unnecessary shuffle of papers precedes the Judges’s verdict.
2) Danica and her client both look stunned. They silently get up and walk out the back doors into the court hallway.
CHANGE TO: A stunned Danica and her client withdraw to the hallway.
3) The nurse raises the bed to a higher sitting position and fusses with the blankets as she talks.
CHANGE TO: The fussy nurse performs various adjustments to Danica’s bed.
4) Dani lowers the bed, and turns on her side away from the door and toward the dark window.
CHANGE TO: Dani gives the nurse a cold shoulder turning to the even colder darkened window.
5) He glances down at the lab results.
CHANGE TO: He scrutinizes her somber lab results.
-
Day 6 Writing w/ Boldness – Anita – Uncertainty Part 2: Hope/Fear in Action
What I learned in this assignment: I wrote this scene for a previous assignment and knew it needed a rewrite (switching character roles). In this scene my Protagonist certainly has a clear goal, and the main threat of losing her case is from the prejudiced judge. It was the perfect setting to strive to write with a balance of hope and fear, and a good opportunity for me to show my character’s courtroom prowess.
Situation: Courtroom hearing for a minor seeking the right to an abortion without parental consent.
Goal: Danica, as an abortion rights advocate, needs to gain a judicial bypass for her client.
Threat: The presiding judge is known to be predisposed to saying no in these cases.
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
(FEAR) A. Dani knows going into this hearing that the judge is known for his anti-abortion position, and it will be an uphill battle.
(HOPE) B. The circumstances of the case seem strong (supportive boyfriend; she is only 2 months away from age 18; good grades; college and career ambitions, etc.)
(FEAR) C. Judge is not buying that there’s reason enough to keep this decision out of the parent’s hands.
(HOPE) D. Danica makes both good legal and moral arguments on behalf of the teenager.
(FEAR) E. The Judge is a staunch supporter of parental consent; he finds her academic record does not support a claim of a “B” average; and so he denies the judicial bypass request.
(SOME HOPE) F. They have an opportunity to appeal this decision, but with little time to do so before the teen’s pregnancy has advanced too far for a legal abortion.
INT. APPELLATE COURTROOM – DAY
This is a closed hearing with only the Judge presiding and a minor (TEENAGER JANE DOE) who is the petitioner, along with her attorney, Danica Brahms. There is only a clerk and a court recorder also present.
The elder Judge, looking imposing, sits at the bench and bangs his gavel.
JUDGE
Counselor, you may proceed with your client’s petition for judicial bypass.
Danica stands.
DANICA
Thank you your honor. My client is only two months shy of her 18th birthday. But those short eight weeks would put her past the legal limit for an abortion in this state.
JUDGE
Is her age the only factor I am to consider in this case?
DANICA
No your honor. I just wish to make the point that the age of consent for sex in this state is 17. Not being able to make a decision on the consequences from having sex until 18 simply clashes with my client’s other legal standards for a minor’s autonomy.
JUDGE
(to the teen, ‘JANE DOE’)
Are you an emancipated minor?
The young girl nervously stands and looks confused at being addressed directly and looks to Danica.
DANICA
No sir. My client is not financially stable – which is one reason she is petitioning this court for the right to choose an abortion.
Danica takes a breath and tries a different tack.
DANICA (CONT’D)
My client has stated she is a B student in school, with the ambition of wanting to join the military and go on to college to become a nurse.
JUDGE
(addressing teen rather menacingly)
Without parental consent how do you plan to get this procedure?
JANE DOE
(Intimidated / haltingly)
My boyfriend would drive me to the clinic and his mother will help pay for the abortion.
JUDGE
And why have you not sought the approval of your parents?
DANICA
She did not tell her parents because her parents would try to convince her to continue the pregnancy.
JUDGE
This is a child having a child. We must include the adult parents in this decision which empowers the family. Family is the backbone of our civilized society. We require parental consent for a minor to get a driver’s permit because that is common sense. A parent guiding their child through major life decisions is a good thing, is it not Counselor?
DANICA
Your honor, this supposes that every child comes from a loving and protective household. As a nearly legal adult my client understands the immediate and long-term consequences of this decision and also understands the medical risks involved in terminating a pregnancy. I am simply stating on her behalf that the moral issue here is the freedom of a woman to control the reproductive functions of her own body.
There’s a lengthy pause as The Judge refers to a few papers on his desk. Then he folds his hands and peers down at the two women, ready to pronounce ‘judgment’.
JUDGE
Please be seated.
They do so.
(beat)
JUDGE (CONT’D)
To obtain a waiver that would allow a minor to end the pregnancy without notifying her parents requires that any such waiver must demonstrate that the petitioner is mature enough to make this decision or that it is not in the teen’s best interest to inform their parents.
Seeing where this is going Danica jumps to her feet to respond.
DANICA
You ask if she’s mature enough to make this decision, but you don’t ask if she’s mature enough to actually raise a child. And if she is not financially or emotionally prepared to do so, should that burden fall on the state?
JUDGE
Counselor, I am done hearing arguments and have made my decision. Please sit down.
She does.
JUDGE (CONT’D)
First, I heard no argument here that convinces me that informing the parents would cause any harm or difficulty to their child.
(beat)
She also deferred to you during this hearing. That does not connote the maturity to make one’s own decisions.
(beat)
JUDGE (CONT’D)
Second, the law requires me to establish the criteria of both intelligence and credibility to determine whether a minor can make the decision to abort without parental consent.
He refers to a paper on his bench.
JUDGE (CONT’D)
This petitioner told the court in sworn written testimony that she had a B average in school. However, upon reviewing her academic record we find an average GPA of 2.85 – not a B average. This inconsistency suggests to me either a lack of intelligence or credibility, therefore not meeting the established criteria set by law.
There’s a long silence while Cyrus pins Dani with a steely eye, daring her to object to his logic.
JUDGE (CONT’D)
Counselor, you argued that the moral issue here was that of the freedom of a woman to control the reproductive functions of her own body. But I say the moral question is rather – under what circumstances can a human being be permitted to take the life of another?
The Judge now turns to Jane Doe, who is nearly in tears.
JUDGE (CONT’D)
Young lady, I suggest that you not only notify your parents as to your situation, but also your intention to end the life of their unborn grandchild.!
He bangs his gavel hard.
JUDGE (CONT’D)
Judicial Bypass is denied. This hearing is adjourned.
Danica and her client both look stunned. They silently get up and walk out the back doors into the court hallway.
TEEN
(in distress)
He said no because of my grades!?
DANICA
We have one more appeal we can make.
TEEN
But I’m almost out of time!
DANICA
I know. But we also knew this judge was predisposed to find any trivial reason to deny your case. So, now we move on. And we do so quickly.
-
Day 5 Writing with Boldness – Anita Gomez – Uncertainty Scene
What I learned in this assignment: Good exercise. Taking the time to analyze just how the tension builds like a see-saw between fear and hope, has given me some really good insights on how to better build tension in my own stories!
THE BODYGUARD
Frank, a no-nonsense former Secret Service Agent, has been hired by pop star Rachel as her personal bodyguard after a series of threats and stalking instances have been made against her (by Portman). Frank’s over protectiveness and Rachel’s stubbornness have led to her insistence she attend The Grammy Awards – her big night. Her name, as a winner, is about to be called while Frank and her other security guy, Tony, are doing everything they can to protect her in impossible circumstances.
BACKSTAGE
(FEAR) Frank draws his gun. He glances quickly to Tony, but Tony’s already on his way, trotting round the labyrinth behind the set.
Frank automatically raises his sleeve to call to Tony, then realizes his communications are useless. He tries to see where Portman has disappeared to, but he daren’t lose sight of Rachel.
ONSTAGE – WINSTON (with envelope)
WINSTON
And the winner is… Rachel Marron for Queen Of The Night.
FLASH CUT TO:
FRANK’S FACE
grim. He looks past the curtain to Rachel.
FRANK’S POV – AUDITORIUM
Deafening applause in the main auditorium. A stunned Rachel stands. Devaney and Spector kiss her. People nearby reach out to touch her. Rachel walks along her row. The orchestra plays “I Have Nothing.”
INT. BACKSTAGE – OPPOSITE WINGS – NIGHT
A mass of drapes and flats. Behind them, the cameraman is fixing something to the side of his camera. His back is to us. Tony comes up briskly behind him, unable to see his face.
TONY
Hey! You! What the fuck you think you’re doin’ back here…
(FEAR) With amazing speed, the cameraman – Portman – wheels around, simultaneously jabbing two outstretched fingers from his free hand straight into Tony’s eyes. Tony cries out, his hands flying to his face. Portman’s hand moves swiftly again, jabbing to a nerve behind Tony’s ear, Tony drops like a sack. Glancing rapidly around, Portman sees all other eyes on the auditorium. He pulls the curtain around Tony’s body – obscuring it. He then removes his own “SECURITY” ID and fixes a laminated “PRESS” ID to his lapel.
INT. BACKSTAGE – STAGE RIGHT WINGS – NIGHT
(HOPE) Frank gestures animatedly to the head of security and several guards. The music and the applause drown out his words and we do not hear them. The guards rush off backstage and into the auditorium.
INT. MAIN AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
Rachel walks along her row. Hands reach out to her. Some people stand in their seats around her. A cranemounted TV camera swoops down between Frank and his view of Rachel, obscuring her for a brief instant.
CLOSE ON FRANK’S FACE
(FEAR) Desperately scanning, seeking. Suddenly his face freezes.
FRANK’S POV
As Rachel reaches the center aisle and starts to walk toward the steps, there in the far aisle, his face almost hidden, is Portman — the camera, hand-held on his shoulder, moving level with Rachel, 20 feet behind her. Frank raises his gun.
AISLE
Rachel walks down the aisle toward the side steps. Tears in her eyes. Thunderous applause. Security guards in the side aisles look around in all directions. They can’t see anything.
FRANK’S POV
TIGHT ON Portman, now almost completely obscured behind the members of the audience, as more and more of them stand to applaud Rachel.
PORTMAN’S POV
ALONG THE SIDE OF THE CAMERA. Rachel keeps appearing and disappearing behind the heads of the audience.
FRANK IN THE WINGS
(HOPE) Desperate to get a clear shot at Portman but unable to fire without hitting a bystander.
FROM STAGE RIGHT WINGS – FRANK’S POV OF RACHEL
As she approaches the podium, steadily, controlling herself as she mounts the steps. The outline of her body becomes difficult to see against the glare of the footlights and the lights at the side of the auditorium.
FRANK’S FACE
His eyes squint against the dazzle.
ON STAGE – PODIUM
Rachel approaches Winston. The applause and music is deafening.
FRANK’S FACE
(FEAR) He can’t see Portman past the glare. He can’t fire into the audience. He knows Rachel is now at her most vulnerable. There is only one thing he can do to protect his charge.
BACKSTAGE WINGS
(HOPE) Frank runs on stage at terrific speed and leaps through the air at Rachel, twisting his body as he does.
ON STAGE – PODIUM
Rachel turns her head, sees Frank leaping at her and gasps out with a mixture of fury and terror.
RACHEL
No!
CLOSE ON PORTMAN
(FEAR) The silenced PISTOL taped to the side of the camera FIRES. ONCE. TWICE.
ON STAGE
Frank and Rachel tumble over on the floor. The podium topples. There are screams from the audience.
AUDITORIUM
Pandemonium breaks out. Men run on stage from all directions. Guns are drawn. Everyone is shouting. TV cameras whip-pan in all directions, security men shout into walkie-talkies.
QUICK CUT TO:
INT. <st1:place w:st=”on”>MOBILE</st1:place> TV CONTROL VAN – NIGHT
Chaos on all screens.
TV DIRECTOR
What the fuck?
OTHER VOICE (O.S.)
Go to commercial…
INT. MAIN AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
CLOSE ON PORTMAN
Totally calm and, as he gambled, invisible in the commotion. Camera still on his shoulder, he slowly backs away from the scene. Ushers and uniformed security men rush past him towards the stage. People leap from their seats. A woman screams piercingly behind him. Portman doesn’t blink.
INT. STAGE – NIGHT
(HOPE) Dozens more helpers pour onto the stage around Frank and Rachel. Rachel starts to rise on all fours and sees, as hands reach out to help her, the blood on Frank’s shirt. He has taken the hits for her. But he’s still on the job, gaze alert. Without taking his eyes from the auditorium, his left arm stretches out, with some pain, to push Rachel back down. The right arm, gun in hand, sweeps the auditorium. Where is Portman? Frank can’t see past the mob.
(FEAR) Ushers fall on Frank in a heap, trying to disarm him. Security men try to pull them off. Rachel shouts, trying to make herself heard above the noise.
RACHEL
He’s my bodyguard. Get off him! He’s O.K…
FRANK’S POV – SERIES OF SHOTS
A SERIES of SWIFT LOW ANGLE SHOTS through legs and faces. One brief glimpse that could be Portman. A cameraman turns. It’s not. Frank is desperate, pushing away a helping arm. The chaos mounts. SIRENS WAIL outside.
INT. MAIN AUDITORIUM – NIGHT
CLOSE ON PORTMAN
He turns away from the stage as four cops pound past him. He walks away. Suddenly, for one brief second, his face loses its composure as he looks to the side door.
PORTMAN’S POV
Hysterical audience members jostle for the exit, screaming and shouting. It’s like a football scrum. Cops and security men pushing and pulling. His escape route is blocked.
CLOSE ON FRANK’S FACE – HIS EYES
Briefly glimpsed through blurred, frenzied, f.g. Still seeking his target, biting his lip in pain.
PORTMAN
Cool again, he turns back to the stage, seeking an alternative escape route, camera still providing cover.
INT. ON STAGE – WINGS – NIGHT
(HOPE) A lumbering figure, blood streaming from one eye, his .38 drawn and outstretched. It’s Tony staggering to the edge of the stage, straight towards his attacker.
TONY
(bellowing)
Frank! Frank! Over here!
ON STAGE
Frank and Rachel’s heads swivel in unison at the sound, looking towards the far aisle.
PORTMAN
(FEAR) Against the side wall at the front, Portman’s eyes desperately scan for the source of the voice. He sees Tony, his pistol takes aim.
FRANK’S POV
For a split second, two running figures f.g. pass and cross leaving a momentary clear line to Portman.
ON STAGE
(HOPE) Frank FIRES. ONCE. TWICE.
PORTMAN
Frank’s bullets hit home. The first slams Portman in the chest, knocking him against the wall. The second hits the CAMERA on his shoulder, EXPLODING it around his face.
-
Day 9: – Writing with Attitude – Anita’s Writing is Bold!
What I learned: I originally wrote this with “distress” in mind, but the challenge helped me amp that up. Then I included anger. Again, the scene came alive that much more. I think my final scene will incorporate both emotions. And overall, I am aware that my Protagonist Dani can read “flat” because I envision her as very self-contained. So this exercise helps me think of her more 3-dimensionally, and therefore give her a more defined ‘voice’. Thanks! I think both new versions work much better than the original.
1. The original half-page:
DANICA
Beck, I need to talk.
REBECCA
Sure. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. What’s up?
Danica starts juggling the baby on her hip who has started to whimper. The toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
Rebecca looks over and sees the distress on Danica’s face.
DANICA
No… I can’t…. Here.
Danica shoves the baby back to Rebecca who now gives her sister her full attention, realizing something is really wrong. With eyes still on her sister she turns off the stove, adjusts her fussy child and calls into the other room for her husband.
REBECCA
Ted!
Her husband wanders in head down, reading something on his phone, oblivious to the tension playing out.
2. A rewrite using DISTRESS.
DANICA
Rebecca! I really need to talk!
REBECCA
Hey Dani, What’s going on?
The baby perched on Dani’s hip whimpers. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
Rebecca sees the distress on Danica’s face and turns off the stove.
DANICA
No… I can’t…. Here!
Danica shoves the baby back into Rebecca’s arms, who calls out for her husband –
REBECCA
Ted!
Ted runs into the room.
TED
Is everything okay in here?
3. A rewrite using ANGER.
DANICA
Rebecca, I need to talk to you NOW! Can you stop with the kids and the cooking already!?
REBECCA
Ooo-kay –
Rebecca turns off the stove and takes the baby perched on Dani’s hip who has started to whimper. At her feet, the toddler’s pot-banging becomes obnoxious.
DANICA
For god’s sake, can’t they be quiet for ONE FUCKING MINUTE!?
REBECCA
Ted!
Rebecca’s husband is barely in the room when she hands him the now crying baby, steps over the toddler and leads a seething Dani by the elbow out onto the back patio.
-
Day 4 Writing with Boldness (Anita Gomez) Hooks
What I learned in this assignment: A. What new information can I introduce? B. Where can I give a deeper understanding of known info? C. Where can I reverse something that has already been presented? Hopefully this scene delivers on all three.
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
Back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience, but now we know that it is Danica, and the scene plays out from her POV.
The room is large but feels crowded, like dozens of people are buzzing around the room.
There’s a waiting incubator that feels more ominous than comforting.
Dani has no bedside partner or relative, no labor coach.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist! I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
DANICA
NO!
She SCREAMS in agony.
DANICA (CONT’D)
I can do this!
Another intense contraction hits her and Dani pushes with grunts and gritted teeth.
DANICA (CONT’D)
AAAHHHH!
OB/GYN
You might be willing but your system is under a huge amount of stress. You might lose your remaining kidney function if we don’t –
DANICA (in pain)
Nooo — !!!
As he speaks the <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> sits between her stirrup-ed knees to check her progress.
OB/GYN
We talked about this….
Dani screams again, giving another mighty push.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Okay… it looks like we’re having it your way, the baby’s crowning –
The already busy room swings into immediate action.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Ok, give me one more push!
She does, and after a moment of collectively held breath we hear an infant’s thin wail.
The <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> hands the baby over to the waiting pediatrician for assessment.
A Nurse attends to the mother…
NURSE (alarmed)
Doctor, she’s unconscious!
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – LATER, NIGHT
All is quiet.
Danica regains consciousness and scans the room. She’s alone.
A nurse walks in to check her I.V.
NURSE (too brightly)
Hello Dear!
DANICA
What – where’s –
NURSE
Your baby? Oh not to worry. She had a little check-up and we’ve got her in the nursery just waiting for you to wake up. I’ll bring her right in.
DANICA
No.
NURSE
No?
DANICA
I mean – do I have to see her right now?
The nurse raises the bed to a higher sitting position and fusses with the blankets as she talks.
NURSE
Oh you’re still a little fuzzy from everything. But holding your precious daughter will perk you right up!
DANICA
Daughter?
NURSE
Yes dear. You’ve had a darling little girl!
The nurse bustles out of the room.
Danica looks out the window at the dark sky.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – SHORTLY AFTER
The nurse wheels a bassinet into Danica’s room, cooing nonsense at the small pink bundle inside.
The nurse parks the bassinet right next to Dani’s bed, tenderly scoops the infant up and hands her over to Dani like she’s the new proud owner of a winning lottery ticket.
Danica reaches out and holds the infant awkwardly. The child, suspended in air begins to squirm and wiggle out of it’s cocoon-like blanket. Then Dani brings the child against her.
The nurse changes the position of the now whimpering baby.
NURSE
Most moms instinctively hold their babies with their heads to the left side – its where the baby can hear your heartbeat.
DANICA (snaps)
Well, maybe not all of us have maternal instincts.
(beat)
Did the doctors – is she? – are there any defects?
NURSE
Well dear, I wouldn’t say she had any birth defects. She’s just as healthy as can be –
DANICA
– but what about her kidneys?
NURSE
She was born just like her momma. With only one. But so far, it seems to be working just fine.
The nurse leans over to fuss with the baby’s blankets, who has now started crying in earnest.
Dani abruptly hands the crying infant back to the nurse and looks away.
DANICA
You can take her now. I won’t be breast-feeding. So I want those pills that dry up your milk.
The nurse is flummoxed. The baby’s truly wailing now, as the nurse tucks her back into the bassinet.
NURSE
Now sweetie, that’s a pretty big decision. Why don’t you just sleep on it.
DANICA
I don’t need to sleep on the decision – but I do need some sleep. Can you just please take her away?
Dani lowers the bed, and turns on her side away from the door and toward the dark window.
The nurse clucks to the baby as she wheels her out and meets up with another nurse at the doorway. They whisper to each other, but over the din of the baby’s cries we catch the phrase, “post-partum depression”.
-
Day 3 Writing with Boldness (Anita Gomez) Suspense
What I learned in this assignment: I found it really useful to break this thought into it’s 3 parts: “The promise, why it matters, and the delay”.
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
The Promise: An impending crisis (Danica will die from renal failure without a kidney transplant)
What matters: Something valuable at stake (Her life: Danica must find an appropriate kidney donor, ASAP)
The delay: Barriers and Complications (No other living relatives except her abandoned daughter, who must now be found)
INT. DOCTOR’S EXAM ROOM – DAY
Danica is seated on the edge of an exam table. Her doctor walks in with an iPad / chart in his hands. He looks concerned.
DOCTOR
Dani. I heard about your sister Rebecca. I’m sorry for your loss.
(beat)
Perhaps her passing will help you understand your own dire health situation.
Dani sits looking at her toes.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
We’ve talked before about your chronic kidney disease. And unfortunately your blood markers tell us your CKD has progressed.
He glances down at the lab results.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Your estimated glomerular filtration rate, or eGFR is way off, as well as your creatinine levels. And your electrolytes are imbalanced with abnormal levels of phosphorus, calcium, and vitamin D.
Dani finally looks up.
DANICA
What does that mean, in English?
DOCTOR
It means that a great deal of kidney damage has occurred. And your high blood pressure isn’t as controlled as we’d like, even with the prescription you’ve been taking.
DANICA
So what are we talking about? More meds? Dialysis?
DOCTOR
Unfortunately for patients with end-stage renal failure dialysis isn’t an effective long-term solution.
(beat)
Dani, you only have one kidney to begin with. You’re going to need a transplant.
Dani just stares at him like she doesn’t understand. As the Doctor goes on to explain statistics, all she really hears is a buzzing white noise –
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
The good news is that last year nearly 25,000 successful kidney transplants took place. The bad news? Over 3,000 new patients are added to the kidney waiting list every month. And approximately 22 people die each day while waiting for a transplant. Sadly, that’s 8,000 people who die each year because the organs they need are not donated in time.
Danica begins to tune in to what he is saying –
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Dani, I don’t want you to be one of those statistics. Do you have any close relatives we can approach?
DANICA
You mean as a donor? No. No there isn’t anyone –
Danica glazes over.
DOCTOR
Well, it doesn’t have to be an immediate family member, although blood type, gender matching, proximity to the donor all enhance the chances of a successful match.
DANICA
There might be someone… someone from my past –
DOCTOR
That’s good. I encourage you to contact them. The important thing is we get aggressive about finding you a match, rather than just waiting on a list.
The Doctor sees that Dani is overwhelmed.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
So today, I’ll add you to UNOS, who manages the list across the <st1:country-region w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>US</st1:place></st1:country-region> of people waiting for a transplant. And I’ll have my nurse make you a follow-up appointment.
-
Day 2 Writing with Boldness (Anita Gomez) Anticipatory Dialogue
What I learned in this assignment: There are 2 scenes – the set-up and the pay-off. I found I was able to employ the following 5 forms of ‘Anticipatory Dialogue’: Direct prediction; Countdown; Imply consequences; Warnings; Confront someone hiding from a future consequence fairly succintly. Focusing on Dialogue is always a good exercise for me, so I don’t so much “show” as “tell”.
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
INT. DANICA’S NEW LAW OFFICES – DAY
The law offices are a beehive of activity.
Danica sits behind a desk piled high with files in a small windowless office. Just outside her door in the cubicle pool, a lunch celebration is taking place for someone’s birthday.
A co-worker pops her head into Dani’s open door.
CO-WORKER
Hey Dani, come join us!
DANICA
I’m swamped.
CO-WORKER (laughing)
Aren’t we all?
Danica resigns herself to join in. She stands and comes around the desk. Her co-worker’s eyes pop!
CO-WORKER
Hey! You look like a ripe melon! When are you due?
Danica looks down at her own round belly, almost in surprise.
DANICA
Ummm –
CO-WOKER
You know you should be home sleeping, not here slaving away, because once that baby shows up I can tell you from experience – sleep becomes a distant memory!
Just then the “Happy Birthday” song breaks out in the office and her co-worker turns to join in.
Dani’s left standing with both hands on her hugely swollen belly looking down at it like an alien has taken residence there.
INT. DANICA’s APARTMENT – NIGHT
Danica enters the utilitarian apartment. Her arms are loaded with law books and she walks straight to a room serving as her study – dumping them on the already over-loaded desk.
Several titles reference the LSAT’s – obviously she’s studying for her Louisiana State Bar Exams.
For a minute she stands absently rubbing her belly. Then she tosses off her coat and sits down to grab a book.
INT. DANICA’s APARTMENT – LATER
Her sleeves are rolled up, an empty coffee cup and 2 pop bottles add to the clutter of legal pads and books on her desk. Danica gets up and stretches her back, wincing.
She walks (‘waddles’) around the small apartment, hands on the small of her back. The study is one of two bedrooms, the master a simple functioning space. Neither the living room nor kitchen reflect much personality – she obviously lives alone, and doesn’t spend much time here.
There is no sign of impending motherhood. No nursery, no crib, no cute baby items strewn about.
SUDDENLY a puddle of liquid forms at her feet. Dani’s water has broken but she only looks confused until another pain, this one quick and sharp, has her reaching for her phone.
-
Day 10 (Dramatic Devices) – Anita Gomez is being Dramatic! V.2
I know the class has moved on to the next module, but I still wanted to post my rewrite. If there is still anyone who would like to give a critique, I’d appreciate it. Thanks!
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Character Name: Judge Cyrus Kilner
Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext: In this scene he now knows Danica sis not have an abortion, but she doesn’t know that he knows.
Character Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
NOTE: This scene is the big climax. It’s the first time Judge Cyrus and Danica have seen each other in 20 years, and it’s in this courtroom. He recently found out he has an illegitimate child (Danica’s) but she doesn’t know he knows. Also, her health is deteriorating to the point where a kidney transplant is needed immediately.
EXT. UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS – DAY
The New Orleans 5th Circuit Building is imposing, nearly filling a square block.
INT. US COURT OF APPEALS BUILDING – CONTINUOUS
A lone figure walks up the interior marble stairs and then turns down a notably long arched corridor. Her heels echo and reverberate the hallowed halls of justice.
Danica stops outside the massive doors that lead into the same courtroom we heard arguments for the anti-abortion bill just days ago.
INT. COURTROOM – CONTINUOUS
She enters. But now she’s alone. If the dark wood-paneled walls could give off a smell they would be dark chocolate laced with desperation.
She stares at the three leather chairs behind the imposing bench whose backdrop is intricately carved like some kingly throne.
One could easily imagine the likes of Atticus Finch pronouncing his moral arguments in this very room.
Danica’s reverie is broken as a clerk and stenographer enter to set up for the day. Others begin to filter in, filling the rows with suits.
The last rows are crammed with Broadcast and Print members of the Press.
A junior partner props up several easels with large foam boards of information in the well area that he covers over with black cloths.
Danica sets out her pens, pads and files on the “defenders” table as if they were implements of war.
CLERK
ALL RISE!
The now-packed courtroom gets to its collective feet as the three Appellate Judges enter in their flowing black robes.
Cyrus Kilner sits in the middle, shooting a smirk in Danica’s direction.
Danica’s boss, Dan Greene, enters the back of the courtroom in time to catch the look. He sits in the row behind Danica and her co-counselor in solidarity.
JUDGE 1 bangs the gavel and declares this court in session.
JUDGE CYRUS (addressing Danica directly)
Counselor, you have 90 minutes for today’s counter-argument.
Danica stands, goes to the podium facing the judges, shuffles some papers and seems flustered.
Then she heads to the easels and dramatically whips off the first black covering.
DANICA
Yesterday Council argued ‘for the children’. But who cares for these children after they’re born? UNICEF Ranks the US 40th in child care.
She marches to the next easel, again whipping off the cover.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Then we were asked to worry for the mother’s health and well-being.
(beat/reading)
“A woman’s risk of dying from giving birth is 14 times higher than having an abortion. The mortality rate of a colonoscopy is 40 times greater than an abortion.”
She moves to the third board revealing in similar dramatic fashion:
DANICA (CONT’D)
The WHO estimates that unsafe abortions cause 68,000 maternal deaths worldwide EACH YEAR.
Dan Greene catches Danica’s eye in warning as she stands before the bench. Then she walks resolutely to the final easel.
The revealed pictures cause an audible gasp from the audience. Cameras from the Press click like crazy.
Pictured are two separate infants. One with almost no skull from the Zika Virus. The other with an open spine from Spina Bifida.
DANICA (CONT’D)
These women weren’t given a choice even though they knew their unborn children would face lifelong disabilities. Often, lives cut short by painful deaths due to their disease or deformity, with neither substantial healthcare nor social safety nets available to either of them.
Danica walks back to the podium.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Your honors, these facts and 52 pages more are already in the brief we filed with this court.
(beat)
But facts are not always truth. The TRUTH as to why a woman would choose to terminate her pregnancy? Disease. Hunger. Poverty. Drug addiction. Or maybe to save that child from being born into an abusive household – perhaps the very one she herself was abused in as a victim of incest.
(beat)
And only the individual woman knows the truth surrounding her choice. But in America it’s still a LEGAL choice!
Danica’s impassioned speech has captured the spectator’s collective attention.
DANICA (CONT’D)
These – these are the ugly truths that the woman herself must face and come to terms with. This proposed law would force the unwilling to bear the unwanted!
Danica turns to reach for some of her notes and Dan Greene gives her a nod of encouragement.
The pause gives JUDGE KILNER a chance to pounce.
JUDGE CYRUS
(smarmy)
Ms. Brahms, we are not here to listen to arguments abolishing abortions, only the perimeters of the specific Bill under consideration by the State of Louisiana.
DANICA
Patterned after the so-called Texas ‘Heartbeat’ law. Which did not stop abortions, or even slow their pace. We now have enough statistics to know that the state’s six-week limit actually had so many women rushing to the decision to abort that the clinics in Texas as well as the neighboring states of Oklahoma and here in Louisiana have actually seen a surge in abortions. This rush to commit the very act you have said you want to avoid is because a woman barely has a positive test result in her hand before, “Time’s Up!” – a clinic might find a heartbeat – and remember, a heartbeat does not make a weeks-old embryo viable – but before she can even wrap her head around her own circumstances, the state is forcing a decision!
Danica winces and puts her arm to her back. She goes to her table and leans there a moment attempting to hide her discomfort by looking to confer with her co-counselor a moment.
CO-COUNSELOR
(whispers)
Dani, are you alright?
She waives him off as Cyrus continues his thinly veiled attack.
JUDGE CYRUS
Counselor Brahms, you now have just 30 minutes, so tell me, do you think the father’s opinion counts for anything when weighing this decision?
DANICA
Obviously Judge, child-bearing falls disproportionately on the woman from the moment of conception, and often through child-rearing. Let me pose the same question in reverse – What if a father wants the mother to have an abortion because he doesn’t want the obligation, or the inconvenience of an illegitimate child to ruin his reputation? Does he have the right to force his own selfish agenda onto that woman’s reproductive freedom?
Danica and Cyrus are now facing off with one-on-one intensity, their past history bubbling to the surface.
JUDGE CYRUS
I suppose in that case a woman can choose to adopt the child out.
DANICA
(pointing to the pictures)
Do you know what causes microcephaly? A mosquito bite during pregnancy. A mosquito that could easily find its way to Louisiana. And what if it was your wife who contracted the disease while carrying your child?
JUDGE 1 bangs the gavel sharply. Danica regroups.
DANICA (CONT’D)
To terminate or not terminate is a constitutional right – it is already established reproductive justice LAW.
JUDGE CYRUS
Yes, “a woman’s right to choose” is a well-known placard slogan. I am asking about the rights of the father, AND the rights of the unborn child.
Danica begins to pace. She breaks out in a cold sweat and again puts her hand to the small of her back. But she gathers herself to declare with some force –
DANICA
Years ago I myself had to face this very difficult and very personal choice. And trust me, it was not easy. A pregnancy disrupts a woman’s body, her education, her employment, and often the entirety of the plans she holds for her future. And no, the biological sperm donor was not interested in being a father.
JUDGE CYRUS
So the decision to abort can just be one of convenience?
Cyrus’ flippant attitude has now made the other two Judges uncomfortable.
JUDGE 3
We are once again devolving into what has already been established by the US Supreme Court. The argument before us isn’t whether to ban abortions Ms. Brahms, but when is the sound moral and medical timing for an abortion to be made, and when do we fall into the category of fetal homicide?
DANICA
Homicide Your honor?
The term trips up her focus, but it is her body’s kidney that is giving out –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent – not every child should be born into a life of possible pain and suffering. Yesterday we heard theoretical arguments that every unborn child has the potential to be the next Einstein or discover the cure to cancer…. We can’t deal in the theoretical, because what if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?
Once again Danica has to lean on her desk.
JUDGE 1
Ms. Brahms, are you all right? –
DANICA
… access to safe procedures ensures…. Ensures that – Roe V Wade clearly states –
Danica swoons…
DANICA (CONT’D)
… the fetal age of viability –
She faints dead away landing with a crash on the courtroom floor, TV cameras rolling.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by
-
(Anita Gomez) Day 1 Writing with Boldness Module – Anticipation Scene
What I learned doing this assignment: I picked this particular scene because it deals with the very emotional subject of abortion, as does my script. It was interesting to see how the renowned writer John Irving dealt with it on the page. (Not to mention it won the 2000 Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay) These 2 scenes were separated by a few short others; but I wanted to focus on the drama leading up to the procedure, and then the emotional aftermath. It is also a very pivotal moment in the story. I learned that simple suspense, anticipation, and banked emotions can deliver a punch without over-the-top descriptions. In fact, I think I see how restrained emotions can actually deliver more impact.
Film: CIDER HOUSE RULES
What’s happened up to this point: The story follows Homer Wells, who lives in a World War II–era Maine orphanage run by a doctor who trains him. But Homer yearns for a self-chosen life outside the orphanage. When Wally and pregnant Candy visit the orphanage, Dr. Larch provides a medically safe, albeit illegal, abortion. It is this couple and their story that gives Homer the impetus to leave the orphanage and he gets a ride with them into an uncertain future.
INT. LARCH’S OFFICE – DAY
Homer is seated in the desk chair. The impressive couple sit in front of him.
NOTE: Seeing young Homer at Dr. Larch’s desk sets off anxiety for the couple and has us also wondering if Homer will be doing the procedure.
HOMER
So, Mrs…
CANDY
Candy. Candy Kendall.
Wally jumps up to his feet to shake Homer’s hand.
WALLY
Wally. Wally Worthington.
Wally sits down. The three sit still for an awkward moment.
HOMER(to Candy)
How many months are you?
CANDY(whispers)
Two.
NOTE: Candy’s two brief answers have clued us in as to her marital status and pregnancy… all we need to know.
Homer writes on a piece of paper. Candy and Wally exchange a worried look.
WALLY
So, now, uh… you’re not… I mean, do *you* do the–
HOMER
No. Dr. Larch will be performing the procedure.
WALLY (relieved)
Ah, well… okay. Good! I just wondered…
NOTE: Candy and Wally have gone from nervous to confused to impressed in just a few short moments.
Edna pokes her head in the door.
EDNA
Excuse me, Homer. Dr. Larch said this one is your turn.
Edna quickly sees that all three of them have misunderstood her.
NOTE: Good use of confusion.
EDNA
Oh, dear–I’m sorry. I meant the circumcision. That boy you delivered on Tuesday…
HOMER
Sure. Fine. Have you prepped him?
EDNA
I’ll get started.
Candy and Wally can’t conceal how impressed they are with the young Homer.
INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Homer walks down the corridor, dressed in his operating gown, as the door to the O.R. opens and Wally stumbles out, hurriedly opening a window. Wally breathes deeply to regain his composure.
NOTE: The uncertainty of what has happened is heightened by the unexpected sight of a man in a military uniform nearly getting sick.
WALLY
I think it was the ether–the smell got to me.
(pause)
God. This is all my fault.
NOTE: Emotional remorse clearly stated.
Edna comes down the hall with a dirt-stained, crying Curly who’s covering one eye.
EDNA(over the din)
Steerforth got into the pantry–he’s eaten all the pie dough.
CURLY(sobbing)
He wasn’t sharing it, either.
EDNA
He’s down the hall, throwing up.
Homer nods to Edna, who is marching off with Curly. Wally smiles at Homer.
NOTE: The 2 men’s differing reactions to the children’s crises says a lot. Then we hear Homer’s interest in Wally’s more exciting war activities –
HOMER
What kind of plane are you flying?
WALLY
A B-24 Liberator.
HOMER
Liberator…
WALLY
Have you enlisted?
HOMER
They wouldn’t take me. I’m Class IV–I’ve got a heart defect.
WALLY
Really! Is it serious?
HOMER
No, it’s not serious. I’m just not supposed to get excited. You know–no strain, no stress. I try to keep calm all the time.
Wally hears Homer’s facetiousness–how tired he is of his heart condition.
WALLY
Oh, well. I don’t imagine there’s any strain or stress around *here*!
Homer appreciates the joke.
NOTE: A very quick male bond has developed. The “relative” danger of flying an aircraft juxtaposed against Homer’s situation underscores his tedium with his own life.
The door to the operating room that Wally exited opens into the corridor; Candy is being wheeled out on a gurney by Larch and Angela. Wally rushes to Candy’s side. Homer follows slowly. Candy is groggy, coming out of the ether.
WALLY
How is she doing?
NOTE: His anxiety heightens our own.
LARCH
Just fine.
CANDY(slurred speech)
Boy or girl?
ANGELA
It was nothing–it’s all over.
WALLY
It’s all over, honey.
They walk Candy on her gurney. Homer looks after them.
CANDY(slurred speech)
I would like to have a baby, one day. I really would.
NOTE: References the future. What happens to Candy?
ANGELA
Why, of course–you can have as many children as you want. I’m sure you’ll have very beautiful children.
Larch wheels Candy behind a curtain.
NOTE: A good visual – Larch closing Wally out with the curtain shows him being protective of the woman, his patient, and dismissive of the guy who got her pregnant.
LARCH
You’ll have Princes of Maine! You’ll have Kings of New England!
Larch has a different tone of voice when he speaks to Wally.
LARCH
I suggest you find yourself some fresh air, Lieutenant.
Wally is left alone in the corridor.
NOTE: The few short scenes in-between here remind us of the mundane routine Homer is stuck with at the orphanage, and we feel his yearning for something “other” grow, culminating in his seemingly quick decision to leave the orphanage and his hasty “good-byes”.
INT./EXT. WALLY’S CAR – ON THE ROAD – AFTERNOON
There is quiet as the journey gets underway. Wally keeps glancing at Candy in the rear-view mirror; she seems distant, lost in thought. Homer is taking everything in–the speed, the road, the wind in his face.
INT. BOYS’ DIVISION – NIGHT
Angela speaks to the boys.
ANGELA
Let us be happy for Homer Wells…
NOTE: This simple refrain is repeated after any orphan gets adopted, helping us imagine Homer’s new possible future.
INT. WALLY’S CAR – NIGHT
The radio is playing. Candy is lying down, her knees drawn up, in the backseat; she appears to be asleep, oblivious to Homer and Wally’s conversation.
NOTE: Uncertainty here… how is Candy really doing?
WALLY
Actually, the Army has given me leave twice. First when my father died, and now I’m on leave to help my mother–I’m just trying to get her ready for the harvest. She’s no farmer. Apples were my dad’s business. And with the war on, she’s short on pickers.
Candy’s eyes are open but her voice is groggy.
CANDY (to Homer)
Wally thinks apples are boring.
WALLY (to Homer)
I never said they were boring.
CANDY
You said, “Apples aren’t exactly flying.”
WALLY
Well, they aren’t.
Homer looks back at Candy. Her eyes close.
HOMER
I think I’d probably like the apple business.
NOTE: Good hook. It reveals Homer’s interest in Candy.
WALLY
You’re a little overqualified, aren’t you?
HOMER
No, I’m not. I need a job.
WALLY
The only jobs are picking jobs. Picking apples is truly boring.
Candy’s eyes snap open and she sits up a little.
CANDY
There! You said it was boring.
WALLY
Well, *picking* them is! It’s about as exciting as… walking!
Candy seems irritated with Wally. Homer tries to engage her.
HOMER
Is your family in the apple business, too?
CANDY
No, but I work there–I like it. My dad’s a lobsterman.
HOMER
I’ve never seen a lobster.
CANDY
Really?
HOMER
I’ve never seen the ocean, either.
WALLY (amazed)
You’ve never seen the *ocean*?
Homer shakes his head, smiles.
WALLY
That’s not funny… that’s *serious*.
NOTE: We anticipate Homer’s awaiting adventures.
EXT./INT. ROADSIDE/CAR – NIGHT
The car is parked at the side of the road. Wally is half-hidden behind a tree. Candy and Homer are left alone in the car; there’s an awkward silence as Homer pretends not to hear Wally’s excessive peeing. Suddenly Candy starts to sob.
CANDY
I couldn’t have a baby with someone who’s leaving me–I didn’t know what else to do!
Homer is a doctor–he’s used to post-abortion reactions.
HOMER
I know.
CANDY
He’s going to be dropping bombs on Mandalay! They’re going to be shooting at him!
HOMER
Where’s Mandalay?
CANDY
Burma!
HOMER
Oh…
CANDY
I can’t have a baby alone. I don’t even know if he’s coming back!
HOMER
I understand.
He doesn’t, really. Wally returns. Wally leans over Candy to hug her.
WALLY
Honey, honey… of course I’ll come back.
Candy pounds on his chest with her fists.
NOTE: Good emotional description and underscores the uncertainty of this wartime situation.
CANDY
You don’t *know*, Wally. You have no *idea*!
Wally backs away. Candy sobs uncontrollably.
CANDY
Stay away from me!
Wally signals to Homer to get out of the car.
Later, Wally and Homer stand outside the car, overhearing Candy’s weeping. Homer is smoking nervously.
HOMER (strictly medical)
This is all normal. Don’t worry. The abortion procedure… it affects you. It’s the ether, too. It’ll take a little time.
WALLY
I don’t *have* any time. There’s a *war*!
HOMER
It’s all very normal.
Wally looks at Homer, who takes a nervous drag on his cigarette.
WALLY
You ought to cut that shit out–it’s terrible for you.
Homer looks at Wally; he sees the authority in his eyes. Homer drops his cigarette and puts it out with his foot.
They notice that Candy has stopped crying. Wally finds Candy asleep in the backseat.
NOTE: The uncertainly and stress surrounding everyone’s future is on display.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by
-
Day 10 (Dramatic Devices) – Anita Gomez is being Dramatic!
What I learned doing this assignment: If I could write every scene paying attention to packing in this much dramatic tension, I’d love this script! 😉
Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life (due to kidney failure) is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Character Name: Judge Cyrus Kilner
Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext: In this scene he now knows Danica did not have an abortion, but she doesn’t know that he knows.
Character Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
EXT. UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS – DAY
Establishing shot. The New Orleans 5th Circuit Building is imposing, nearly filling a square block.
INT. US COURT OF APPEALS BUILDING – CONTINUOUS
A lone figure walks up the grand interior marble stairs and then turns down a notably long arched corridor. Her heels echo and reverberate the hallowed halls of justice.
Danica stops outside the impressively massive oak doors that lead into the same courtroom in which we heard arguments for the anti-abortion bill just days ago.
INT. COURTROOM – CONTINUOUS
She enters. But now she’s alone. If the dark wood-paneled walls could give off a smell they would be dark chocolate laced with desperation. The tall windows are framed by heavy blue velvet drapes and gold tassels.
She stares at the three leather chairs behind the imposing bench whose backdrop is intricately carved, bringing to mind images of kingly thrones.
One could easily imagine the likes of William Jennings Bryan and Clarence Darrow squaring off right here; or Atticus Finch pronouncing his moral arguments in this very room.
Danica’s reverie is broken as a clerk and stenographer enter to set up for the day. Others begin to filter in, filling the rows with suits.
One of the Junior partners props up several easels with large foam boards of information in the well area that he then covers over with black cloths.
Danica sets out her pens, pads, files and a few referenced law books very precisely on the”defenders” table as if these were her implements of war.
CLERK
ALL RISE!
The now-packed courtroom gets to its collective feet as the three Appellate Judges enter in their flowing black robes. Cyrus Kilner sits in the middle, shooting a smirk in Danica’s direction.
Dan Greene, Danica’s Senior Partner, enters the back of the courtroom in time to catch the look. He sits in the row behind Danica and her co-counselor.
JUDGE 1 bangs the gavel and declares this court in session.
JUDGE CYRUS
(addressing Danica directly)
Counselor, whenever you’re ready to begin your counter-argument.
Danica stands, shuffles some papers and seems flustered.
Then she heads to the easels and boards and dramatically whips off the black coverings one after the other. These are the statistics we saw earlier in her law office conference room.
They read in part:
– UNICEF Ranks the U.S. 40th in child care.
– A woman’s risk of dying from giving birth is 14 times higher than having an abortion. The mortality rate of a colonoscopy is 40 times greater than an abortion.
-The WHO estimates that unsafe abortions cause 68,000 maternal deaths worldwide EACH YEAR.
Dan Greene catches Danica’s eye as she stands before the bench.
DANICA
Your honors, these facts and 52 pages more are already in the brief we filed with this court.
(beat)
But facts are not always truth. The TRUTH is – there are many reasons a woman might choose to make the very personal healthcare choice to terminate a pregnancy. And only the individual woman knows the truth of her situation. She may have to weigh the price of a life-long deformity in her child, or, knowing the child will be brought into abject poverty or be born into an abusive household – perhaps the very one she herself was abused in as a victim of incest –
Danica’s impassioned speech has captured the spectator’s collective attention.
DANICA (CONT’D)
These – these are the ugly truths that the woman herself must face and come to terms with. This proposed law would force the unwilling to bear the unwanted.
Danica reaches for some of her notes and Dan Greene gives her a nod of encouragement.
DANICA (CONT’D)
The so-called Texas ‘Heartbeat’ law after which this is patterned, did not stop abortions. We now have enough statistics to see that the state’s six-week limit actually had so many women rushing to the decision to abort that the clinics in Texas as well as the neighboring states of Oklahoma and also here in Louisiana have actually seen a surge in abortions. This rush to commit the very act you say you want to avoid is because a woman barely has a positive test result in her hand before, “Time’s Up!” – a clinic might find a heartbeat – and remember, a heartbeat does not make a weeks-old embryo viable – but before she can even wrap her head around her own circumstances, the state is forcing a decision!
Danica winces and puts her arm to her back. She goes to her table and leans there a moment attempting to hide her discomfort by shuffling papers a moment.
Cyrus takes the moment to pounce.
JUDGE CYRUS
Counselor Brahms, tell me, do you think the father’s opinion counts for anything when weighing this decision?
Danica straightens, pale, but with fire in her eyes.
DANICA
Obviously Judge, child-bearing falls disproportionately on the woman from the moment of conception, and often through child-rearing. Let me pose the same question in reverse – What if a father wants the mother to have an abortion because he doesn’t want the obligation, or the inconvenience of an illegitimate child to ruin his reputation? Does he have the right to force his own selfish agenda onto that woman’s reproductive freedom?
Danica and Cyrus are facing off with one-on-one intensity, their past history bubbling to the surface.
JUDGE CYRUS
I suppose in that case a woman can choose to adopt the child out.
DANICA
To terminate or not terminate is a constitutional right – it is already established reproductive justice LAW.
JUDGE CYRUS
Yes, “a woman’s right to choose” is a well-known placard slogan. I am asking about the rights of the father, AND the rights of the unborn child.
Danica begins to pace. She breaks out in a cold sweat and again puts her hand to the small of her back. But she gathers herself to declare with some force –
DANICA
Years ago I myself had to face this very difficult and very personal choice. And trust me, it was not easy. A pregnancy disrupts a woman’s body, her education, her employment, and often the entirety of the plans she holds for her future. And no, the biological sperm donor was not interested in being a father.
JUDGE CYRUS
So the decision to abort can just be one of convenience?
Cyrus’ flippant attitude has now made the other two Judges uncomfortable.
JUDGE 3
We are not here to argue what has already been established by the US Supreme Court. The argument before us isn’t whether to ban abortions Ms. Brahms, but when is the sound moral and medical timing for an abortion to be made, and when do we fall into the category of fetal homicide?
DANICA
Homicide Your honor?
The term trips up her focus, but it is her body’s kidney that is giving out –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent – not every child should be born into a life of possible pain and suffering. Yesterday we heard theoretical arguments that every unborn child has the potential to be the next Einstein or discover the cure to cancer…. We can’t deal in the theoretical, because what if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?
Once again Danica has to lean on her desk.
JUDGE 1
Ms. Brahms, are you alright? –
DANICA
… access to safe procedures ensures…. Ensures that – Roe V Wade clearly states –
Danica swoons…
DANICA (CONT’D)
… the fetal age of viability –
She faints dead away landing with a crash on the courtroom floor.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by
-
Day 9 (Dramatic Devices) – Anita Creates a Future!
What I learned doing this assignment: The set-up to my entire script is a teaser, or flash-forward. I don’t want to give away who the woman giving birth is (creating mystery / suspense), and the only character traits exemplified are her independence and stubbornness, which we will see more of later. Hopefully the scene has us wondering and worrying about the future of both the mother and the baby.
FADE IN:
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
A woman is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well.
The room is large enough to hold a team of doctors but still feels crowded by the kinetic energy of several nurses, an OB/GYN, and a pediatric specialist – all buzzing around the room, alongside a waiting incubator.
But there is no partner, relative, or friend helping the woman through the ultimate intimacy of giving birth.
The medical team’s intense movements are choreographed in such a way that we never see the woman’s face.
OB/GYN
Page the anesthesiologist. I think we’re looking at an emergency C-section.
WOMAN
NO!
She SCREAMS in agony.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
I can do this!
Another intense contraction hits her and the woman pushes with grunts and gritted teeth.
WOMAN (CONT’D)
AAARRGH!
OB/GYN
You might be willing but your system is under a huge amount of stress. You might lose the remaining kidney function if we don’t –
WOMAN
(in pain)
Nooo — !!!
As he was speaks the <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> sits between her stirrup-ed knees to check her progress.
OB/GYN
We talked about this….
The woman screams again, giving another mighty push.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Okay… it looks like we’re having it your way, the baby’s crowning –
The already busy room swings into immediate action.
OB/GYN (CONT’D)
Ok, give me one more push!
She does, and after a moment of collectively held breath we hear an infant’s thin wail.
The <st1:place w:st=”on”>OB</st1:place> hands the baby over to the waiting pediatrician for assessment.
A Nurse attends to the mother…
NURSE
(alarmed)
Doctor, she’s unconscious!
CUT TO:
-
Day 8 Dramatic Devices – Anita’s Misleads/Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment: Even though this “reveal” was always built into my outline, I will definitely look for other places to use this device.
Character Name: Judge Cyrus Kilner
Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
Mislead: We see a newly appointed Cyrus basking in his judgeship with smugness and seeming benevolence.
Reveal: Unbeknownst to Cyrus, Danica never had an abortion and it is his own biological child Dianna, who is being adopted by the Wozniaks.
INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY
Judge Cyrus Kilner is presiding over an adoption proceeding. He enters the courtroom with a sense of dramatic flair. It is out-sized for the simple setting.
CLERK
All rise.
The few people in attendance besides the courtroom staff – clerks, stenographer, do so:
A woman, IRENE WOZNIAK, her husband, PETER WOZNIAK, and their ATTORNEY.
Cyrus bangs his gavel loudly.
JUDGE CYRUS
Please be seated.
The three participants do so. He picks up a file and glances at the contents.
A baby being held by a Nanny in the back of the courtroom begins to fuss.
JUDGE CYRUS
It seems the little one is in a hurry to get going.
(smiles)
The baby’s cries become louder and more insistent – no longer cute, more piercing. Cyrus’ smile fades.
IRENE WOZNIAK
Your honor, if I may, she might stop if I hold her.
Cyrus nods agreement. The baby’s wails are persistent and he’s not enjoying the atmosphere, but tries to make light as Irene hurries to get the baby, cooing to her, bringing her to her husband’s side up front. We just see a small bundle wrapped in a pink blanket.
JUDGE CYRUS
Well, not exactly the welcome I expected from one of my own constituents my first day on the bench. (Ha-ha.)
The baby is soothed for the moment. Cyrus clears his throat and gets all formal.
JUDGE CYRUS
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak, I see your petition for adoption is in order, but there is no agency and she is a ward of the state?
ATTORNEY
That’s correct your honor. The child was abandoned by its mother under the Safe Haven law.
JUDGE CYRUS
(with false indignation)
One hopes that law would never come into play.
(beat)
But I suppose it a better alternative than aborting an unwanted child. Do we know anything of it’s background, or the possibility of the biological parent coming forward in the future?
ATTORNEY
No your honor. The state has done its due diligence and waited the requisite period. The child is available for adoption, but we know nothing further.
IRENE WOZNIAK
(looking down lovingly at the child in her arms)
Except her name. Her name is Dianna.
The baby starts fussing again. Cyrus wants to wrap this up quickly.
JUDGE CYRUS
Everything seems in order. The court clerk will assist you with final paperwork.
(beat, as baby starts crying louder)
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak, you are now the proud parents of Dianna.
He bangs his gavel in dismissal, and the baby wails.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
-
Day 7 (Dramatic Devices) Anita’s Crucible
What I learned: Finding crucible moments within a legal setting is not difficult – so in this assignment, I was fortunate. This scene in the beginning of Act 2 is a precursor / foreshadowing of the final scene that ultimately pits Protagonist Danica directly against Antagonist Cyrus, where their ‘showdown’ causes Danica’s mental and physical collapse (exacerbated by her worsening kidney disease). I might morph this scene into one where it is Danica as the arguing lawyer representing the minor, presenting to Cyrus, or to another judge…. Not sure how much I want to “give away” before the final clash – TBD.
Character Name: Judge Cyrus Kilner
Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext: The more he wants to be perceived as perfect, the more willing he is to do whatever it takes to hide his imperfections. He was instrumental in forming Texas’s anti-abortion law, even though he wanted Dianna’s mother to have an abortion.
Character Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
[NOTE: The Attorney and Teen are only supporting characters to the overall story.]
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
This is a closed hearing with only the Judge (Cyrus) presiding, and a minor (JANE DOE) who is the petitioner, along with her attorney. There is only a clerk and a court recorder also present.
Cyrus, robed and looking imposing, sits at the bench and bangs his gavel.
JUDGE CYRUS KILNER
Counselor, you may proceed with your client’s petition for judicial bypass.
ATTORNEY FOR THE PETITIONER
Your honor, my client is just 2 months shy of her 18th birthday but 8 weeks would put her past the legal limit for an abortion in this state.
JUDGE
Is her age the only factor I am to consider in this case?
ATTORNEY
No your honor. I just wish to state up front that the age of consent for sex in Texas is 17. Not being able to make a decision on the consequences from having sex until 18 simply clashes with my client’s other legal standards for a minor’s autonomy.
JUDGE
(to the teen, ‘JANE DOE’)
Are you an emancipated minor?
The young girl looks confused at being addressed directly and looks to her attorney.
ATTORNEY
(answering for her)
No sir. My client is not financially stable – which is one reason she is petitioning this court for the right to choose an abortion.
The attorney takes a breath and tries a different tack.
ATTORNEY
My client has stated she is a B student in school, with the ambition of wanting to join the military and go on to college to become a nurse.
JUDGE KILNER
(addressing teen rather menacingly)
Without parental consent how do you plan to get this procedure?
JANE DOE
(Intimidated / haltingly)
My boyfriend would drive me to the clinic and his mother will help pay for the abortion.
JUDGE
And why have you not sought the approval of your parents?
ATTORNEY
She did not tell her parents because her parents would try to convince her to continue the pregnancy.
JUDGE
This is a child having a child. We must include the adult parents in this decision which empowers the family. Family is the backbone of our civilized society. We require parental consent for a minor to get a driver’s permit because that is common sense. A parent guiding their child through major life decisions is a good thing, is it not counselor?
ATTORNEY
Your honor, this supposes that every child comes from a loving and protective household. As a nearly legal adult my client understands the immediate and long-term consequences of this decision and also understands the medical risks involved in terminating a pregnancy. I am simply stating on her behalf that the moral issue here is the freedom of a woman to control the reproductive functions of her own body.
There’s a lengthy pause as Cyrus refers to a few papers on his desk. Then he folds his hands and peers down at the two women, ready to pronounce ‘judgment’.
JUDGE CYRUS
Please be seated.
They do so.
(beat)
JUDGE CYRUS
Seeking judicial bypass, enabling the petitioner, who is still legally a minor, to obtain a waiver that would allow her to end the pregnancy without notifying her parents requires that any such waiver must demonstrate that the petitioner is mature enough to make this decision or that it is not in the teen’s best interest to inform their parents.
The Attorney jumps to her feet.
ATTORNEY
You ask if she’s mature enough to make this decision, but you don’t ask if she’s mature enough to actually raise a child. And if she is not financially or emotionally prepared to do so, should that burden fall on the state?
JUDGE CYRUS
Counselor, I am done hearing arguments and have made my decision. Please sit down.
JUDGE CYRUS (Continues)
First, I heard no argument that informing the parents would cause harm or difficulty to their child.
(beat)
She also deferred to you during the hearing. This does not connote the maturity to make one’s own decisions.
(beat)
Second, the law requires me to establish the criteria of both intelligence and credibility to determine whether a minor can make the decision to abort without parental consent.
(referring to papers on his bench)
This petitioner told the court in sworn written testimony that she had a B average in school. However, upon reviewing her academic record we find an average GPA of 2.85…. not a B average. This inconsistency suggests to me either a lack of intelligence or credibility, therefore not meeting the established criteria set by law.
(long beat / addressing the attorney with a steely eye)
Counselor, you argued that the moral issue here was that of freedom of a woman to control the reproductive functions of her own body. But I say the moral question is rather – under what circumstances can a human being be permitted to take the life of another?
(now turns to Teen)
I suggest young lady that you not only notify your parents as to your situation, but also your intention to end the life of their unborn grandchild.
Cyrus bangs his gavel hard.
JUDGE
Judicial Bypass is denied. This hearing is adjourned.
The Attorney and her teen client are stunned. They silently get up and walk out the back doors into the court hallway.
TEEN
(in distress)
He said no because of my grades!?
ATTORNEY
We can appeal.
TEEN
But I’m almost out of time!
ATTORNEY
We knew this judge was already predisposed to find any trivial reason to deny your case. So, now we move on. And we do so quickly.
-
Day 6 (Dramatic Devices) Anita’s Amazing Settings
What I learned doing this assignment: Very useful to review settings through this lens. I did not rate any of my scenes below a 7 because I believe each setting was already purposeful, useful, or necessary. But in looking at those 6 scenes rated as “7’s” I was challenged to be more creative for greater dramatic impact, so I will reconsider all six scene settings. Here are two of those scenes:
BEFORE:
Essence of Scene: Law Partners congratulate Cyrus on his election win as a state judge.
Setting: His law offices.
AFTER:
New Setting: Posh Country Club.
How this has improved the scene: It creates more of a celebratory atmosphere, and also allows me to have other characters from the broader community come over and ‘glad-hand’ with Cyrus boosting his ego and the feeling of politicking and the importance of the judgeship.
BEFORE:
Essence of Scene: After Danica’s sister dies she goes back to meet with her niece, nephew, and her brother-in-law, but is incapable of providing much solace, showing her lack of empathy skills.
Setting: Danica’s sister’s house.
AFTER:
New Setting: Catholic Church Mass for Danica’s sister.
How this has improved the scene: It brings Danica back face to face with her earlier uncomfortable encounters with her religious roots. She will also be able to witness how her sister’s church community is able to rally around the grieving family, contrasted with Danica’s own ineffectual attempts at comfort.
-
Day 5 – Anita’s Dramatic Devices Setup/Payoffs
What I learned doing this assignment: I am out of town for a few days, and don’t want to fall behind. So I wrote the outlines here of 3 scenes that would fulfill this assignment and am posting it as-is, even though incomplete.
Character 1 Name: DIANNA WOZNIAK
Traits: Intelligent, Manipulative, Self-confident, Bad-tempered
Subtext: Evil / Immoral, no moral center or self-restraint. Dianna is the ultimate product of her parents’ genetics – she is both brilliant and damaged. Her intellectual abilities actually enable her lack of need for human connection, ratcheting up an in-born propensity for being a sociopath with Disassociate Disorder.
Character Logline: Dianna is a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman with abandonment issues who kills her biological father Cyrus, allowing his kidney to become the life-saving transplant her mother needs.
Character 2 Name: Judge Cyrus Kilner,
Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext: The more he wants to be perceived as perfect, the more willing he is to do whatever it takes to hide his imperfections. He was instrumental in forming <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state>’s anti-abortion law, even though he wanted Dianna’s mother to have an abortion.
Character Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
Possible areas of subtext: Dianna can’t connect emotionally with her adoptive parents or her boyfriend or even coworkers.
Setups: Foreshadowing upcoming events.
Payoffs: Twists the story in a new direction.
SCENE(s) OUTLINE:
In Cyrus Kilner’s habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the elaborate gates of his ‘McMansion’, and while gloating over the headlines announcing his Judgeship, a car passes too close bobbling his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
Later, Dianna’s parents congratulate her on getting her driver’s license, and as Dianna drives around she comes to the block where Cyrus lives driving slowly enough for us to recognize his elaborate house gate from earlier.
End of film: Dianna drives to the early morning appointment she has set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over outside his ‘McMansion’ gates to get the morning paper – we recognize him as Cyrus. Brakes Squeal. Blackout. We learn in the next scene Judge Cyrus Kilner is dead from a hit-and-run.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
EXT. DIANNA’S PARENT HOUSE – AFTERNOON
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – EARLY MORNING
-
Day 4 – Anita’s Dramatic Devices (TWISTS)
What I learned doing this assignment: I had several “big” twists pre-built into this story, but had not considered using this device for more subtle twists along the way. It helped me brainstorm several important moments, especially around the supporting character of Dianna’s boyfriend, making him more 3-D and further revealing the inherently twisted nature of Dianna.
Name: Dianna
Traits: Dominating, Self-confident, Willful, Bad-tempered
Subtext: Evil / Immoral, no moral center or self-restraint
Character Logline: Dianna is a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman with abandonment issues who kills her biological father Cyrus, allowing his kidney to become the life-saving transplant her mother needs.
Possible areas of subtext: Dianna is the ultimate product of her parents’ genetics – she is both brilliant and damaged. Dianna can’t connect emotionally with her adoptive parents or her boyfriend or even coworkers. Her intellectual abilities actually enable her lack of need for human connection, ratcheting up an in-born propensity for being a sociopath with Disassociate Disorder.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. They are in the throes of some intense sex but we don’t see any true intimacy like eye contact or kissing.
Dianna exhibits her domineering side by flipping her boyfriend onto his back and “taking top”. She rides him at her desired pace and for her own pleasure.
Afterward Dianna flops down on the bed and turns on her side, back to boyfriend. He cuddles up to ‘spoon’ her, in his own afterglow not perceiving any slight in her actions.
BOYFRIEND
Mmmmm.
A guy could get used to this.
(beat)
And by ‘a guy’ I mean me.
There’s a long pause in which Dianna says nothing but the boyfriend continues to affectionately stroke her hair and arm.
BOYFRIEND
I can really see us doing this someday not just for fun, but starting a family.
(beat)
Ever think about how many kids you want to have?
DIANNA
No, not really. I need to wash up.
Dianna gets out of bed and goes into the adjoining bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS
Dianna pulls open a vanity drawer and reaches under a pile of cosmetics, pulling out a package of “Plan B” morning-after pills. She pops them down with a glass of water, turns out the light and heads back into the bedroom.
[NOTE: There are several scenes between these two and the next several all depicting what is happening in her mother Danica’s and her father Cyrus’ lives.]
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – DAY
Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip unexpectedly showing “positive”. She just stares at it a moment and then talks to the reflection of herself in the mirror.
DIANNA
Well, shit. So much for modern medical science.
Then she tosses the test strip into the garbage.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM –NIGHT
It’s a few days later and Dianna’s boyfriend is in the bathroom checking out several days growth of beard on his face.
He yells into the next room
BOYFRIEND
Hey Di – I don’t think this look is me. Think I’m shaving it off.
He begins fumbling through vanity drawers searching for something.
BOYFRIEND
Di – have you seen my razor?
In his search process he knocks over the small trash can now full of several days waste.
BOYFRIEND
Dammit.
As he cleans up the mess he comes across the used pregnancy test and stares down at it just as Dianne comes into the room –
DIANNA
(annoyed)
What is all the yelling about?
BOYFRIEND
(baffled / staring from test to her and back)
Di – what… when? –
DIANNA
(nonchalant)
Oh that. Don’t worry. I already took care of it.
She turns and leaves the room. He follows her into the bedroom still holding the positive pregnancy test.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
BOYFRIEND
What do you mean you ‘took care of it’ –
DIANNA
Just that. There’s no more pregnancy.
(beat)
No worries.
BOYFRIEND
(incredulous)
Just like that? Without telling me!? Without letting me have an opinion… you just…
(He can barely say the words)
…had an abortion?
Dianna turns to assess him as she might one of her lab animals – curious but dispassionately.
DIANNA
You wanted to talk about having a baby?
She laughs derisively.
DIANNA
Look at us, barely in our 20’s, together for just a few months and here you are weaving some fantasy about us having a child?
She turns her back like the discussion is over. Her boyfriend whirls her around.
BOYFRIEND
Dianna! Even if we didn’t want a family together – this…. This is just an act of cold-blooded murder!
DIANNA
You’re the only child here. I was an unwanted child – dropped off at 3 days old at a fire station – like some food donation! So don’t talk to me about babies or adoptions. My body, my choice.
(beat)
And now it’s my choice for you to leave.
He just stands there, mouth open, at a loss for words.
DIANNA
I said – LEAVE ME ALONE!!
Her boyfriend looks once more at the pregnancy test still in his hand. He shakes his head sadly and places it very carefully on the dresser, then turns to go.
-
Day 3 – Anita’s Dramatic Devices (Irony)
What I learned doing this assignment: I set this scene up in my initial outline, but I had no term for the dramatic device. Knowing I can use Dramatic Irony effectively will be a great reminder for future scripts.
Name: Cyrus
Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext: Unethical, Political
Character Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
[NOTE: the scene preceding this reveals the big news that Cyrus has just been appointed 5th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge]
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
Cyrus’s WIFE KAREN comes home, throws her keys on the hall table and picks up the mail.
Karen is delighted to see the 4 Fed-X type packets with the return address of ‘Your Heritage’ – the genetic DNA company Karen gifted her family with at Christmas.
She carries them into the living room, sits and tears hers open. She smiles at the report and sets it aside.
Karen then picks up her husband’s report and after a moment of consideration tears this one open too.
She begins scanning the results. She stops dead halfway through, her smile fading, shaking her head in denial. We see what she does – the section titled:
IMMEDIATE KNOWN RELATIVES
Children: 3
KAREN
That’s a mistake!
Karen grabs the last two packets marked with her children’s names and quickly rips them open. She goes immediately to each report’s section and reads:
IMMEDIATE KNOWN RELATIVES
Siblings: 2
KAREN
No, no, no, NO!
Karen jumps to her feet scattering the paperwork to the ground.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – LATER THAT NIGHT
Cyrus comes home and throws his keys on the counter just as his wife did earlier. He too scans the few envelopes of mail and tosses it back down, finding nothing of immediate importance.
Cyrus walks through the house into the mostly dark living room calling out as he goes.
CYRUS
Hey hon, I’m home!
He loosens his tie, flips on a light and goes to a sideboard to pour himself a drink.
Cyrus is startled to see his wife quietly sitting in a corner chair in the gloom.
CYRUS
Oh hey! Didn’t see you there. Let me get you one of these too.
Cyrus pours a second tumbler of whiskey and walks it over to his wife.
CYRUS (CONTINUES)
We’re celebrating!
Karen woodenly takes the offered drink. Cyrus is too revved up to notice her closed demeanor.
He lifts his drink in a toast.
CYRUS (continues)
You’re looking at the next 5th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge! Babe, we’re off to New Orleans!
He’s beaming.
Karen quietly puts her drink down without emotion.
KAREN
There is no more WE, Cyrus. WE are not celebrating. WE are not moving to New Orleans.
CYRUS
(sputtering)
What are you talking about? This is what we’ve been working so hard for … all the campaigning and the hours of political schmoozing at those god-awful boring social events … all the sacrifice – it’s paid off babe! And who knows what this will lead to… I think I can go all the way –
KAREN
You can Cyrus. You can go all the way to hell.
She stands. He’s utterly confused.
Karen picks up the reports that have been on the coffee table, hands them to Cyrus.
He sets his drink down to look at them.
KAREN
To be helpful, I’ve highlighted the pertinent parts.
We see the CHILDREN and SIBLINGS areas highlighted.
CYRUS
I don’t understand… I thought – I mean….
KAREN
Genetics don’t lie Cyrus. You have had a child with another woman. So you can go to New Orleans, or go to hell. I don’t really care. But wherever you go, you will be going alone.
And Karen walks out the door.
-
Day 2 – Anita’s Dramatic Devices (Conflict)
What I learned doing this assignment: Small actions or even tone of voice can convey conflict. It doesn’t have to be a big splashy gesture to let the audience read your character’s tension. While I think projecting inner conflict can be more challenging, I think it is rewarding. I added several elements along the way to spin out the tension longer than I normally would have without this assignment.
Write a 1 – 5 page scene with a central conflict that continues throughout the scene.
EXT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica drives slowly past a Planned Parenthood Clinic. The building is nondescript and the signage discreet. She chews her lower lip as she drives by.
Danica has circled the block and comes back around to approach the parking lot adjacent to the Clinic.
She almost makes another pass and then suddenly turns in.
She’s breathing heavily as she parks the car and turns off the engine.
Danica gets out of the car and locks it with her key fob. It’s only then, when she turns, that she notices a group of about 12 people standing nearby in a circle holding hands.
They stand at a respectful distance from the Clinic and make no move toward or even eye contact with Danica, who is very relieved.
Then the group starts singing a moving rendition of “Amazing Grace”. They may not be looking at Danica – but she can certainly HEAR them.
RELIGIOUS CHORUS
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
For a moment she’s like a deer in the headlights. Then, head down, Danica resolutely marches to the Clinic’s front door and goes in.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – CONTINUOUS
It’s a quiet and calm reception area, if not a bit sterile, populated by two other seated women. Danica is again breathing heavily, the church hymn resonating in her ears.
Even though the kind receptionist at the windowed desk asks quietly, Danica still jumps.
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
(beat)
DANICA
Yes. I – I have an appointment. Danica Brahms.
The receptionist checks her computer, nods and hands her a clipboard with papers.
RECEPTIONIST
We have all your pre-procedure appointments and paperwork in order. Please review this and make sure all the information is correct, especially your insurance. Then sign the final form.
Danica takes the clipboard and moves numbly to one of the chairs.
Her ears are ringing and her eyes are blurry as she looks down at the paperwork.
A nurse comes in. Her announcement startles Danica who is all nerves.
NURSE
Jane?
The two other women both move as if to stand and look at each other.
NURSE
Jane BROWN.
One of the young women gets up and follows the nurse out as the other sits back down.
Danica returns to the paperwork. She signs it quickly and mechanically hands it back to the receptionist, sitting once again.
The same nurse as before opens the door leading into the back of the clinic.
NURSE
Jane?
This time the second woman follows the nurse into the clinic’s medical area.
Danica now sits alone. She’s perched on the edge of the cushioned chair. She watches the clock on the wall. She listlessly picks up then tosses down a dog-eared magazine without even glancing at it.
NURSE
Danica?
Again, Danica startles, but she gets up and obediently follows the nurse back into the clinic’s warren of rooms. She’s led into a small procedure room crowded by a medical exam table with stirrups.
There’s one small high window in the room.
But all Danica can focus on is those stirrups.
The nurse is giving efficient instructions as she lays out a surgical gown and a sheet.
NURSE
Put these on, tied in the front with the sheet over your lap. Have a seat, and the doctor will be with you shortly. I know you were told what to expect in your counseling visit, but do you have any questions?
Danica shakes her head ‘No’ and the nurse closes the door on her way out.
EXT. ABORTION CLINIC – CONTINUOUS
The group encountered by Danica continues to sing outside. They are not loud or obnoxious; the melody is soulful and haunting.
RELIGIOUS CHORUS
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – CONTINUOUS
Danica is now dressed in the surgical outfit provided. She sits on the exam table. She can hear the singing coming from outside the window.
A different nurse abruptly enters wheeling an ultrasound machine.
NURSE 2
(Strong Southern accent)
Why hello there honey! I’m here to get a good look at things. Just lie back and I’ll get going so you can get on with your day.
The cheerful words and tone don’t match the sense of dread Danica is feeling.
As Danica dutifully lies back the nurse plugs in the machine and taps a few keys.
All Danica can focus on is the continuous singing from outside. In her head it’s louder, more insistent.
RELIGIOUS CHORUS
The Earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
The nurse exposes Danica’s tummy and unceremoniously squirts some gel on her belly…. And just as she applies the wand to Danica’s abdomen and we begin to hear a fetal heartbeat… which now seems to act like a metronome to the hymn…
A female doctor walks in, looks stricken.
DOCTOR
What’s going on?
The nurse looks startled but has yet to remove the wand from Danica’s abdomen so we continue to hear a heartbeat.
NURSE
(confused)
Doctor? I was just letting Ms. Brown get her first listen to baby…
The Doctor is livid and flips off the machine, turning to Danica.
DOCTOR
I’m sorry Ms. BRAHMS.
(hard look to the nurse)
But there’s been a small mix-up. Nurse, this patient is here for a D&C procedure.
The nurse blanches. The doctor hands some tissue to Danica to wipe off the gel. She does so, and sits up while the flustered nurse wheels the ultra-sound out of the room post-haste.
DOCTOR
Again, our apologies Ms. Brahms. We’ll get you prepped in no time. Please just lie back and relax –
DANICA
Fuck relaxing. And fuck prepping. And fuck this!
Danica, no longer the compliant patient, throws her tissues and her sheet to the ground, defiantly grabs her clothes off the wall hook and without another word or backward glance, leaves.
-
Day 1 – Anita’s Dramatic Choices
What I learned: There’s always a variety of ways to tell the same story. This movie could have started anywhere in the life of Shelby, but the choice of her wedding day was the perfect foil for all the large and small crises depicted in the list below. In the first 30 minutes we were introduced to all the characters under pressure, showing their character traits in full relief. I know STEEL MAGNOLIAS was also a play – which I’ve neither read nor seen – and it would be interesting to know if the story was told in just this same way. For instance, the device of shooting at birds in a tree added huge drama to the overall sense of chaos. I believe the filmmakers used the medium of film (especially editing) to its best and most dramatic effect in telling this family’s story. This set-up to the rest of the film was a good reminder of giving my characters “business” to do that reflects them, not just standing there spouting dialogue.
STEEL MAGNOLIAS
1. A woman (Annelle) walks through town revealing its small town charm with its distinct southern flavor.
2. Anelle witnesses the prep outside a large home for a big fancy wedding
3. GUNSHOTS! (Drum shooting at birds in a tree)
4. Bride-to-be (Shelby) in crisis over the color of her nail polish
5. Household under total commotion with wedding prep (flowers, caterers, etc)
6. Mom M’Lynn in a tizzy over broken champagne glasses
7. Annelle nervously arrives at her destination, Truvy’s Beauty Shop (a gathering spot / location which is like its own character)
8. Truvy’s husband Spud is watching TV instead of coloring eggs causing Truvy stress
9. Annelle arrives just as Truvy yells at Spud and he leaves
10. Next crisis at wedding home: younger brothers plan to decorate the bride and groom’s car with condoms
11. GUNSHOTS!
12. Annelle auditions her skills as a hairdresser and gets hired, with an ecstatic reaction
13. Truvy’s ill-mannered son runs off on a motorcycle
14. Truvy and Annelle ‘talk trash” while literally taking out the trash, and we learn Annelle has secrets
15. Clairee arrives for her appointment in a spray of gravel with more gossip
16. Then Clairee and Truvy gossip about Annelle behind her back
17. MORE GUNSHOTS!
18. Jackson sneaks into Shelby’s room and finds her soaking in a tub.
19. It’s revealed they have had some major disagreement putting the wedding in jeopardy, but make up
20. Jackson climbs back out the window
21. Two younger brothers are playing basketball in the house
22. M’Lynn discovers Drum’s gun and hides it
23. Oiser Boudreaux arrives in a fit of anger at the front door with a huge uncontrollable dog
24. M’Lynn and Shelby sneak out the back leaving Drum to answer, and Drum and Oiser have it out over his gunshots upsetting the dog (it’s obvious they have a long-standing dislike of each other)
25. Oiser follows Drum into the backyard – past all the wedding prep chaos – with the dog barking continuously and the 2 arguing the whole way
26. Oiser grabs his bullets and dumps them into the pool
NOTE: All of this happens in just 18 minutes!
27. Back at Truvy’s Beauty Salon the girls are getting ready for the wedding with Annelle’s nerves making her super awkward and clumsy while more gossip is shared (revealing Jackson’s back-story)
28. Mom M’Lynn and daughter Shelby spat back and forth fussing over every little detail of the wedding plans but also reveal common ground and true fondness for each other
29. Shelby has a diabetic sugar crash, the tremors ruining her newly finished wedding hairdo, but also exemplifying just how fragile Shelby’s health is
30. Drum can’t find his gun so digs up bow and arrows in the garage with his 2 boys
31. Oiser shows up at Truvy’s with her huge mangy dog in tow to complain to M’Lynn about Drum
32. Oiser confronts Annelle with steely eyes and we find out about her problems with her missing husband as Annelle loads colored eggs into the car trunk for the Easter egg hunt
33. Drum and the boys shoot an arrow loaded with lit fireworks into the tree
34. EXPLOSIONS! Everyone screams / Dog breaks away barking, crashing into the car trunk, smashing the eggs / Drum temporarily loses his hearing
35. One of the frightened birds lands poop on Oiser’s face.
-
Day 11 Seducing Actors Module – Anita Gomez’s V.2 scene for feedback exchange.
NOTE: This scene introduces DIANNA as a young woman in Act 2, after watching her grow up as a troubled child.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents PETER AND IRENE WOZNIAK are finishing up a whispered conversation between them in the kitchen. They both looked extremely worried.
Dianna, now a High School senior, enters the room. She has only grown more beautiful and self-possessed. She doesn’t greet them but goes straight to the refrigerator for a snack.
IRENE
Sweetie, it’s after eight and the game’s already started. Aren’t you going with your friends?
Dianna looks blank.
PETER
There was a time you couldn’t keep me away from a good football game, even years after I graduated. Go Bulldogs!
His lame attempt at a fist bump falls flat.
Dianna puts on a forced smile.
DIANNA
Oh, you know sports aren’t my thing.
IRENE
Well I couldn’t tell a full-back from a half-back myself but it’s really just about socializing. You know, a good excuse to go out with the girls.
DIANNA
What girls?
Her mom sighs heavily.
IRENE
I guess that’s my point Dianna. Don’t you have anyone you want to hang out with?
Dianna considers her parents for a moment like an anthropologist might look at some bones, with interest but no emotion.
Then she defaults to an overly-bright front, like choosing an outfit or flipping on a switch.
DIANNA
Mom and dad, you’re right. I should be out there enjoying myself. I’ll just take this to go.
Dianna reaches back into the frig and pulls out a few additions to her snack, wraps them in a paper towel, grabs her denim jacket off a nearby hook and leaves out the back door without another look or word for her parents.
INT. PARENT’S GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
The kitchen door leads into the garage. Before getting into the car parked inside Dianna stands in front of her father’s work bench perusing the various chemicals lined up on a shelf revealing a litany of paint thinner, bleach, rat poison, etc.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
It’s the Homecoming Game for “The Bulldogs”. They’re ahead and the crowd is jubilant and rowdy.
Dianna stands alone at the sidelines near the edge of the bleachers.
Everyone else is engrossed in the game, even the HANDLER for the school’s mascot – a big sleepy-looking bulldog who has wandered away from the handler to sit near the bleachers.
Dianna isn’t paying attention to the game. She’s watching the dog.
Dianna pulls something wrapped in paper from her pocket and walks closer to the bulldog who perks up as he scents something… the something in Dianna’s hand.
She unwraps the paper and holds it toward the big dog who licks his chops and follows her under the bleachers.
Dianna holds out the meaty treat which the mascot greedily wolfs down. Then she watches.
Suddenly the dog goes stiff and falls over on its side, going into seizures.
Dianna just stands there coolly observing, as the crowd goes wild in the background over a touchdown.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY
Dianna’s parents, the Wozniaks, are seated in front of PRINCIPAL HARRIS’ desk. There are several others in the room.
PRINCIPAL
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak, this is DEAN OF STUDENTS BROWN, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR JUAREZ and DR. JOHANSON.
(beat)
Do you know why we called this meeting?
Both parents look confused and shake their heads “no”.
PRINCIPAL HARRIS
The school’s mascot Freddy was found unconscious under the bleachers last night.
He waits for a reaction from the two parents who talk over each other.
IRENE
Oh no! Is he okay?
PETER
I’m sorry, but what has this got to do with us?
PRINCIPAL (continued)
Thankfully Freddy will recover. But it seems he ingested something that made him quite ill.
The Principal looks over pointedly to the Counselor.
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR JUAREZ
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak we believe Dianna may have had something to do with this.
IRENE AND PETER
(in unison)
What!? What do you mean??
COUNSELOR JUAREZ
Dianna was seen near the bleachers where Freddy was found.
Both parents begin sputtering indignant replies but are cut off by the Psychiatrist.
DR. JOHANSON
We can’t prove anything here. We have only a few witnesses who sat across the way and their sketchy observations to base our assumptions on. But we do feel there were enough disturbing comments made about your daughter that we needed to have this difficult conversation.
(beat)
Has Dianna ever had a psychological evaluation?
Mrs. Wozniak looks shaken and indicates no. Her husband looks on the verge of exploding.
DR. JOHANNSON (Continuing in a very clinical manner)
There’s a clinical term we use called ‘Vulnerable Narcissist’ to describe an individual associated with borderline personality disorder, characterized by the fear of abandonment and interpersonal instability. It’s often connected to Alexithymia defining problems with feeling emotions and a complete indifference towards other people. Now I can’t of course make any diagnosis without a proper evaluation –
Peter Wozniak leaps to his feet.
PETER
Are you calling my daughter crazy!?
IRENE
(overwhelmed and distressed)
Please – what are you saying?
Dean Brown gives Dr. Johanson a look and tries a more tactful approach.
DEAN BROWN
School records indicate Dianna is adopted. What can you tell us about her birth parents?
MR. WOZNIAK
Absolutely nothing. She was listed as a Jane Doe and abandoned at a fire station at 3 days old.
DR. JOHANSON
It is unfortunate not to have any background information for an assessment since these personality disorders are often genetic in nature.
(beat)
Surely you’ve noticed some anti-social behaviors along the way?
Now both parents look very uncomfortable – they know in their hearts these things to be true of their daughter.
Mrs. Wozniak begins quietly weeping. Her husband sits to comfort her but remains stoic.
MRS. WOZNIAK
But we have given Dianna everything! Everything she could ever need or want. She’s an excellent student –
(turns to Counselor Juarez)
You know this!
DR. JOHANSON (Continued)
I’m sorry. It’s not always about parenting, good or otherwise. And we don’t look on this situation as any fault of yours.
PRINCIPAL HARRIS
But I do think it would be good to speak with Dianna as soon as you can about entering therapy.
PETER
She just turned 18… and has always been very strong-willed…. I doubt if we could make her –
He trails off miserably.
DR. JOHANSON
I understand we can’t force a psych eval without proof of this troubling instant.
(beat)
It’s unfortunate that a diagnosis wasn’t made earlier in her life, but these cases can be very hard to define. Especially in one so high-functioning as Dianna. Here’s my card should you find a way to convince her to talk to a professional.
DEAN PETERS
As you say, Dianna’s academics are excellent and we know she’s applied for early graduation. And because we don’t have any concrete evidence surrounding this tragic incident, the school is allowing Dianna to finish the remainder of the semester.
PRINCIPAL HARRIS
But do know this Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak, we will be watching Dianna very closely.
(beat)
We wish you luck.
INT. WOZNIAK’S LIVING ROOM – THAT NIGHT
Mr. Wozniak is pacing. Mrs. Wozniak sits tearing at a used tissue in her hands, her eyes red-rimmed from crying.
Dianna saunters down the stairs oblivious to the angst in the house.
PETER
Dianna, sit down please.
She does so without any trace of curiosity.
PETER (Continued)
Dianna, we spent most of the afternoon at your school today.
Still no response from Dianna.
IRENE
(blurts it out)
Oh Dianna! Did you do it? Did you do this terrible thing!?
Dianna’s face remains unreadable.
DIANNA
Do what?
PETER
We heard about the mascot being poisoned Dianna. People say –
DIANNA
What people dad?
She turns to her mother.
DIANNA
The girls you said I should go hang out with for fun?
(sighs)
Look, the people at my school are children. They act like hormonal morons with nothing better to do than fill their heads with gossip or fantasies. I went to their stupid gladiator games – at your suggestion – and found it as boring as I thought I would. So I left and I drove around for a while. And I don’t know anything about any stupid dog.
Both parents look at each other. Irene wants desperately to believe her daughter. Peter is a bit more objective in his assessment.
Then Dianna laughs. It really is a delightful sound, if not out of place.
DIANNA
Oh mom, come on. You know me! In fact, I was going to surprise you both later with some great news – but I guess now’s as a good time as any to tell you –
(beat)
I’ve been accepted into M.I.T.! Isn’t that great!?
Her parents’ looks go from stricken to surprise and then stunned and pleased. They go over to hug Dianna and congratulate her.
IRENE
Oh sweetie! I’m so happy for you! I knew you couldn’t –
Mrs. Wozniak bites off the rest of her comments.
Mr. Wozniak is more reserved, wary of being manipulated, but still congratulates his daughter.
DIANNA
And I’ve decided on my major. You know I’ve always loved science. And I really want to make life easier for others, and so I’m going into genetic research – mostly because well, you know – my own anomaly of being born with just one kidney compels me to uncover others with kidney deficiency, and what I can do to help.
This altruistic self-deprecating speech seems to have done the trick, and we leave the scene with Dianna’s parents happy for her, sweeping aside all their doubts and fears.
-
Day 11 Seducing Actors Module – Anita Gomez’s final scene for feedback exchange.
What I learned rewriting this scene: My Day 10 chosen scene introduced DIANNA as a young adult after watching her grow up in the First Act. It purposefully had no dialogue underscoring her social isolation against the backdrop of a fever-pitch HS football game. So, it needed context, and I then wrote the scene immediately preceding and the two that follow. They not only fulfill the assignment but gave me the opportunity to use dialogue, subtext and dueling agendas to deliver who my character Dianna is / has become as a young woman.
NEWLY INSERTED SCENE (Second Act):
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents (PETER AND IRENE WOZNIAK) are finishing up a whispered conversation between them in the kitchen. They both looked extremely worried.
Dianna, now a High School senior, enters the room. She has only grown more beautiful and self-possessed. She doesn’t greet them but goes to the refrigerator for a snack.
IRENE
Sweetie, it’s after eight and the game’s already started. Aren’t you going with your friends?
Dianna looks blank.
PETER
There was a time you couldn’t keep me away from a good football game, even years after I graduated. Go Bulldogs!
His lame attempt at a fist bump falls flat.
Dianna puts on a forced smile.
DIANNA
Oh, you know sports aren’t my thing.
IRENE
Well I couldn’t tell a full-back from a half-back myself but it’s really just about socializing. You know, a good excuse to go out with the girls.
DIANNA
What girls?
Her mom sighs heavily.
IRENE
Well Dianna I guess that’s my point. Don’t you have anyone you want to hang out with?
Dianna considers her parents for a moment like an anthropologist might look at some bones, with interest but no emotion.
Then she defaults to an overly-bright front, like choosing an outfit or flipping on a switch.
DIANNA
Mom and dad, you’re right. I should be out there enjoying myself. I’ll just take this to go.
Dianna reaches back into the frig and pulls out a few additions to her snack, wraps them in a paper towel, grabs her denim jacket off a nearby hook and leaves out the back door without another look or word for her parents.
INT. PARENT’S GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
The kitchen door leads into the garage. Before getting into the car parked inside Dianna stands in front of her father’s work bench perusing the various chemicals lined up on a shelf revealing a litany of paint thinner, bleach, rat poison, etc.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
It’s the Homecoming Game for “The Bulldogs”. They’re ahead and the crowd is jubilant and rowdy.
Dianna stands alone at the sidelines near the edge of the bleachers.
Everyone else is engrossed in the game, even the HANDLER for the school’s mascot – a big sleepy-looking bulldog who has wandered away from the handler to sit near the bleachers.
Dianna isn’t paying attention to the game. She’s watching the dog.
Dianna pulls something wrapped in paper from her pocket and walks closer to the bulldog who perks up as he scents something… the something in Dianna’s hand.
She unwraps the paper and holds it toward the big dog who licks his chops and follows her under the bleachers.
Dianna holds out the meaty treat which the mascot greedily wolfs down. Then she watches.
Suddenly the dog goes stiff and falls over on its side, going into seizures.
Dianna just stands there coolly observing, as the crowd goes wild in the background over a touchdown.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY
Dianna’s parents, the Wozniaks, are seated in front of the principal’s desk. There are several others in the room.
PRINCIPAL
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak, this is DEAN OF STUDENTS BROWN, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR JUAREZ and DR. JOHANSON.
(beat)
Do you know why we called this meeting?
Both parents look confused and shake their heads “no”.
PRINCIPAL
The school’s mascot Freddy was found unconscious under the bleachers last night.
He waits for any reaction from the two parents who talk over each other.
IRENE
Oh no! Is he okay?
PETER
I’m sorry, but what has this got to do with us?
PRINCIPAL (continued)
Thankfully Freddy will recover. But it seems he ingested something that made him quite ill.
The Principal looks over pointedly to the Counselor.
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR <st1:place w:st=”on”>JUAREZ</st1:place>
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak we believe Dianna may have had something to do with this.
IRENE AND PETER
(in unison)
What!? What do you mean??
COUNSELOR <st1:place w:st=”on”>JUAREZ</st1:place>
Dianna was seen near the bleachers where Freddy was found.
Both parents begin sputtering indignant replies but are cut off by the Psychiatrist.
DR. JOHANSON
We can’t prove anything here. We have only a few witnesses and their observations to base our assumptions on. But we do feel there are enough disturbing comments made about your daughter that we needed to have this difficult conversation.
(beat)
Have you ever heard of the term ‘Vulnerable Narcissist’?
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak look shaken and indicate no.
DR. JOHANNSON (Continued in a very clinical manner)
This personality trait is strongly associated with borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by the fear of abandonment, interpersonal and affective instability, impulsivity, chronic feelings of emptiness and suicidal ideation. It’s often connected to Alexithymia which is a term to describe problems with feeling emotions and a complete indifference towards other people.
PETER
(interrupts, highly agitated)
Are you calling my daughter crazy?
IRENE
(overwhelmed and distressed)
What are you saying?
DEAN BROWN gives Dr. Johanson a look and tries a more tactful approach.
DEAN OF STUDENTS PETERS
School records indicate Dianna is adopted. What can you tell us about her birth parents?
DAD
Absolutely nothing. She was listed as a Jane Doe and abandoned at a fire station at 3 days old.
DR. JOHANSON
It is unfortunate not to have any background information for an assessment since these personality disorders often show up as a genetic behaviors.
(beat)
Surely you’ve noticed some of these traits along the way?
Now both parents look very uncomfortable – they know in their hearts these things to be true of their daughter.
Mrs. Wozniak begins quietly weeping. Her husband remains stoic.
DR. JOHANSON (Continued)
I’m sorry. I know you are good parents and you shouldn’t look on this situation as any fault of yours. But I do think it would be good to speak with Dianna as soon as you can about entering therapy.
PETER
She just turned 18… and has always been very strong-willed…. I doubt if we could make her –
He trails off miserably –
DR. JOHANSON
I understand. It’s unfortunate that a diagnosis wasn’t made earlier in her life, but these cases can be very hard to define. Especially in one so high-functioning as Dianna. Here’s my card should you find a way to convince her to talk to a professional.
DEAN PETERS
Dianna’s academics are excellent and we know she’s applied for early graduation. And as we don’t have any concrete evidence surrounding this tragic incident, the school will be allowing Dianna to finish the remainder of the semester.
(beat)
We wish your family luck Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak.
INT. WOZNIAK’S LIVING ROOM – THAT NIGHT
Mr. Wozniak is pacing. Mrs. Wozniak sits tearing at a used tissue in her hands, her eyes red-rimmed from crying.
Dianna saunters down the stairs oblivious to the angst in the house.
PETER
Dianna, sit down please.
She does so without any trace of curiosity.
PETER (Continued)
Dianna, we spent most of the afternoon at your school today.
Still no response from Dianna.
IRENE
(blurts it out)
Oh Dianna! Did you do it? Did you do this terrible thing!?
Dianna’s face remains unreadable.
PETER
We heard about the mascot being poisoned Dianna. People say –
DIANNA
What people dad?
She turns to her mother.
DIANNA
The girls you said I should go hang out with for fun?
(sighs)
Look, the people at my school are children. They act like hormonal morons with nothing better to do than fill their heads with gossip or fantasies. I went to their stupid gladiator games – at your suggestion – and found it as boring as I thought I would. So I left and I drove around for a while. And I don’t know anything about any stupid dog.
Both parents look at each other. Irene wants desperately to believe her daughter. Peter is a bit more objective in his assessment.
The Dianna laughs. It really is a delightful sound, if not out of place.
DIANNA
Oh mom, come on. You know me! In fact, I was going to surprise you both later but I guess now’s a good time to tell you –
(beat)
I’ve been accepted into M.I.T.! Isn’t that great!?
Her parents’ looks go from stricken to surprise and then stunned and pleased. They go over to hug Dianna and congratulate her.
IRENE
Oh sweetie! I’m so happy for you! I knew you couldn’t –
Mrs. Wozniak bites off the rest of her comments.
Mr. Wozniak is more reserved but still congratulates his daughter.
DIANNA
And I know what I’m going to major in. You know I’ve always loved science. Well, I really want to make life easier for others, and so I’m going into genetic research – mostly because well, you know – my own anatomical anomaly of having been born with only one kidney compels me to uncover others with kidney deficiency, and what I can do to help.
This altruistic self-deprecating speech seems to have done the trick, and we leave the scene with Dianna’s parents happy for her, sweeping aside all their doubts and fears.
-
Day 10 of ‘Seducing Actors Module’: Anita Gomez’s Ad for A-List.
What I learned: Although this character has been previously introduced in my story as a young girl who has already revealed herself to be psychologically unwell, this is the first scene we see Dianna as a young woman, and how we will recognize her throughout the rest of the story. I also needed to ‘up the ante’ on her twisted actions. I don’t believe this scene warrants any dialogue, her actions speaking for themselves.
Create an introduction scene for a lead character that will guarantee an actor will want to play the role. Tell us the character’s name and answer these three questions.
DIANNA
a. What is the Interesting Situation? Dianna is at her High School Homecoming Game, but alone, devoid of emotion, and completely isolated in a high-energy crowd.
b. What is the Insight about this character? She is a cold and cruel sociopath.
c. What Action and Description will sell this character? She poisons the school mascot.
SCENE:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
It’s the Homecoming Game for “The Bulldogs”. They’re ahead and the crowd is jubilant and rowdy.
DIANNA, now a H.S. Senior, stands alone at the sidelines near the edge of the bleachers. Everyone is engrossed in the game, even the handler for the school’s mascot – a big sleepy-looking bulldog who has wandered away from the handler to sit near the bleachers.
Dianna isn’t paying attention to the game. She’s watching the dog.
Dianna pulls something wrapped in paper from her pocket and walks closer to the bulldog who perks up as he scents something… the something in Dianna’s hand.
She unwraps the paper and holds it toward the big dog who licks his chops and follows her under the bleachers.
Dianna holds out the meaty treat which the mascot greedily wolfs down. Then she watches.
Suddenly the dog goes stiff and falls over on its side, going into seizures.
Dianna just stands there coolly observing, as the crowd goes wild in the background over a touchdown.
-
Anita Gomez’s Dialogue on the Attack! – (Day 9 of Seducing Actors Module)
What I learned doing this assignment: I liked Hal’s admonition to not be subtle. I chose a scene where my protagonist had to be both professional and vulnerable, and I believe allowing her dialogue to be emotional gave this scene more impact.
1. Go to your outline and find a scene where the characters will be talking a lot.
This scene is directly connected to the next one where Danica is in court and has an emotional breakdown. It was important to me to set that up correctly.
2. List your character names along with each character’s traits and their subtext above the scene.
3. Write the scene in a way that is filled with:
A. Constant attack/counter attack.
B. Constant character traits. Once you’ve completed the scene, check every line of dialogue to see how you can express one or more of their character traits through that line.
Protagonist: DANICA is a petite 42 y.o. brunette who is wound tight emotionally, whose professional demeanor brooks no nonsense.
Basic character traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Want/Need: Wants – Success and recognition; Needs – Love and intimacy
Paradoxes: Fears failure and the judgment of others // Wants respect while pushing others away
Secret: Her unwanted pregnancy with Cyrus (married man, and her boss)
Flaws: Driven, Self-centered, Jealous of others – especially her sister’s happy family
Special: Hyper-competitive – always needs to be the winner.
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial. Her indiscreet affair 20 years ago has followed her into the courtroom. Her secret ultimately leads to her emotional and physical breakdown, leading her to search for her unwanted daughter.
Supporting Character: DAN GREENE, Danica’s boss – the primary partner in her law firm who assigned Danica to this critical case. TRAITS: Kind, intelligent, insightful. SUBTEXT: This case is high-profile with heavy national implications and will reflect on his firm well or poorly depending on their performance in court.
NOTE: There are additional co-workers and peers who populate the scene as supporting characters, who all understand the importance of this case and are on-edge preparing for oral arguments the next day.
INT. LAW OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
It is a war room preparing for battle. Danica is the Generalissimo finalizing the all-important oral arguments for tomorrow, counter-pointing yesterday’s searing and emotional delivery by the anti-abortion team seeking to limit nearly all state access to abortion.
The frenetic room is populated by more than a dozen lawyers and assistants coming and going with reams and files of paper like a small army of intensely focused ants.
The large conference table is covered to overflowing with law books and legal pads. Every inch of the huge room’s walls are covered by white boards and easels with charts and presentation materials.
Several large flip tablets of paper are being scribbled on by assistants and para-legals as others call out statistics to be written down.
SENIOR PARTNER DAN GREENE enters the room. He stands watching the verbal melee for a few minutes.
JUNIOR PARTNER ONE
…and 51% of all Catholic and Lutheran parishioners support legalization…
JUNIOR PARTNER TWO
…A woman’s risk of dying from an abortion is .6% in 100,000 while the risk of dying in childbirth is 14 times higher… and colonoscopy mortality rates are 40 times higher!…
PARALEGAL
And don’t forget about the trigger bills pending that would ban medication abortions entirely!
ASSISTANT
And there’s the statistics we have on poverty rates and …
Etc., etc.
The feeling in the room spirals into a free-for-all.
Dan Greene discerns Danica has lost control of the situation and he steps in, speaking in his quiet but firm way to the room at large.
DAN GREENE
I’d like the room please.
Voices die down and everyone begins moving toward the door.
Dan stands in front of Danica who has been standing this whole time.
DAN GREENE
Dani, take a seat.
As she sinks wearily down he paces around the perimeter of the room for a few minutes taking in all the charts and presentation materials. He still has his back to Danica as he begins to speak.
DAN GREENE
Do you know why I chose you to head this team?
It seems rhetorical so Danica just waits for an answer. Now he turns to her, speaking in a fatherly but concerned way.
DAN GREENE
Because you are brilliant. Because I’ve never seen you back down from a fight. But this –
He sweeps his arm toward the mountains of information piled around them.
DAN GREENE
This isn’t your finest work.
(beat)
It’s dry as dust.
Danica remains silent, not knowing what to say after hundreds of hours of prep.
DAN GREENE
Tell me, what did you feel in the courtroom yesterday?
This question seems to wake her up as she goes from fatigue and silence to impassioned.
DANICA
I felt disgust. I felt outrage. I felt like bashing all those smug white men in the face who think they know what it’s like to be a woman! To have the unmitigated gall to tell a woman what she can and can’t do as if she were some sort of… vessel!
DAN GREENE
That! That is what I need from you tomorrow Dani. Passion. Fire. EMOTION. We won’t win these arguments with a pile of statistics.
Again he sweeps his hands toward all the charts, etc.
DAN GREENE (cont.)
(with quiet understanding)
We need those bastards to feel your pain Dani. He needs to feel your pain.
Danica looks away with tears building in her eyes.
DANICA
I can’t… I can’t make it personal…
DAN GREENE
But it already is. I see it. I feel it. Make them feel it too.
DANICA
It’s something I should have told you the moment I found out Judge Kilner was one of those presiding –
Dan waits patiently as she wipes furiously at the tears now spilling onto her cheeks.
DANICA
We have history. He was my boss 20 years ago –
DAN GREENE
(now forcefully)
Then use that! Use that history to make him feel what’s at stake here!
Danica looks surprised by his reaction. Then she looks around the room, takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders.
DANICA
Ok. I’ve got this.
Dan goes to the door pausing by Danica’s side on the way, squeezing her shoulder in support before leaving the conference room.
DAN GREEN
I know you do.
-
Anita Gomez’s Character Outline – (Day 8 of Seducing Actors Module)
What I learned doing this assignment: If I don’t stray from my character’s core traits it is easier to differentiate their unique voices.
ASSIGNMENT 1
———————–
On Day 5, you created a Character Arc by adding “Issue, Challenges, and Transformation” to your structure. If you haven’t done it yet, return to your Day 5 assignment and add the Character Arc parts you like to your outline.
(Character Arc changes noted below, in Italics.)
ASSIGNMENT 2
———————–
Add character to each scene in your outline. For your two lead characters, look at each scene they are in and see how something from their profile might play through their actions.
1. Pull out your Lead Character Profiles and your Outline.
2. With each scene, ask the following questions:
– What would my protagonist do in this scene that reflects their profile?
– What would my antagonist do in this scene that reflects their profile?
3. Rewrite the main actions of each scene to deliver character.
UPDATED OUTLINE FOR ‘LIFE CHOICES’
(Profile changes noted below in RED)
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
(Flash-forward) A woman is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die.
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
(Flashback 7 months):
CAREER-ORIENTED / STAUNCHLY INDEPENDENT: Danica confronts senior law partner (Cyrus) that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion – a law he was instrumental in crafting.
IMAGE CONSCIOUS / HYPOCRITE: He wants her to have an abortion anyway to protect his marriage, family and career.
SELF-ASSURED / INDEPENDENT: She quits but remains professional until the very end when she slams the door in her face.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
SUCCESS-ORIENTED / DRIVEN: Danica confides in her Evangelical sister that she doesn’t want this child and fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney.
RELIGIOUS: The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st=”on”>CATHOLIC</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>CHURCH</st1:placetype></st1:place> – THAT NIGHT
INDEPENDENT / LONER: Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state driving to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. REBECCA’S LIVING ROOM – EVENING
RELIGIOUS: She is hosting a women’s prayer group. At the end of the Bible lesson Rebecca asks for prayer requests… and asks for prayer for her sister who is facing “some difficult decisions.”
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica is confronted by religious anti-abortion protestors and finds she can’t go through with the abortion.
INT. DANICA’S NEW LAW OFFICES – DAY
DRIVEN: She has thrown herself into work and is in denial that she is even pregnant, brushing off any coworkers comments about her working so many hours in her condition.
INT. DANICA’s NEW APARTMENT – NIGHT
SELFISH / HYPER-COMPETITIVE: Her place is not set up for a baby…. No nursery or sign of impending motherhood. She is hugely pregnant and working late on her new state bar exams.
SUCCESS-ORIENTED: Suddenly Danica goes into labor, and doesn’t even understand that’s what is happening, she is in so much denial.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
SELFISH: Back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience, Danica regains consciousness and told the infant was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. Danica emotionally rejects the infant.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – LATER
SELFISH / DRIVEN: Danica physically rejects her newborn telling the nurse, “Not all of us are born mothers. I want pills to dry up my milk” but the nurse just thinks this is post-partum depression.
INT. DANICA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
SELFISH / UNABLE TO LOVE: Her newborn is in her car seat on the sofa screaming and nothing Danica does can make it stop. Danica starts screaming back at the baby to ‘Shut Up!”
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
SELFISH / UNABLE TO LOVE: Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”. A fireman tries to “talk her down saying she can adapt her out” but Danica just screams, “No one is listening! I can’t do this…” and she runs away.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>TEXAS HIGHWAY</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
NARCISSIST / HYPOCRITE: Giant billboards picture Cyrus running for a Judgeship with politically motivated anti-abortion statements seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
CRAVES ATTENTION / POWER: Partners congratulate Cyrus on his election win as a state Judge.
INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY
CRAVES POWER / CHARMING: Cyrus is presiding over an adoption proceeding unbeknownst to him that it is Dianna, his biological daughter from Danica, who is being adopted in the city where he lives.
INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY
Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new doting parents. They tell her how much they’ve always wanted a child.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
SUCCESS-ORIENTED: Danica coldly and with ambition climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:place></st1:state> law firm: “You’re one of the boys now”.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>LOUISIANA STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
DRIVEN: Danica is a marathon participant – it’s obvious she has entered many before.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Cyrus gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by a case about a young girl seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
CRUEL: Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak that her adoptive parents excuse as ‘accidental’. (perhaps age 7. burning ants with a magnifying glass)
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Narcissistic Cyrus interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and distant way deferring the kids’ needs to his wife. (Maybe his son also displays undercurrents of Dianna’s cruelty, as a genetic ‘marker’)
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
CRUEL: The mother comes home distraught to find Dianna (about age 11) calmly watching gruesome horror movies.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
POWER-HUNGRY: Cyrus, now older, has receives notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING
In his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his ‘McMansion’, and while gloating over the headlines announcing his Judgeship, a car passes too close bobbling his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
EXT. DIANNA’S PARENT HOUSE – EXT
They congratulate her on getting her driver’s permit as she drives off. Dianna drives around and comes to the block where Cyrus lives driving slowly enough for us to recognize his house from earlier.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
CRUEL / SOCIOPATH: At the Homecoming game Dianna surreptitiously lures the school mascot (a bulldog) under the bleachers feeding it something that causes seizures as she coolly observes.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY
CRUEL / SOCIOPATH: There is a Psychologist present explaining to Dianna’s parents they believe it was Dianna who harmed (but thankfully did not kill) the school mascot, and further believe her to be a Vulnerable Narcisist with Alexithymia – a term to describe problems with feeling emotions… not their fault as good parents – it is often a genetic trait.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
MANIPULATIVE: Dianna’s parents confront her about her emotional detachment. She tells them not to worry – she really wants to help others, and has decided to go into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly to uncover others with kidney deficiency (which she later discovers includes her biological mother and Aunt).
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
DRIVEN: Dianna graduates college early and is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics to study disease outcomes along the lines of “Nurture vs. Nature” with a big $$ Grant.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
DRIVEN / COLD: Dianna displays the same cold ambition as her biological mother, exemplified by dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the lab, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back about her cold detachment. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and later becomes her boyfriend.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
JEALOUS OF HER SISTER: Danica is shopping last minute for Christmas for her niece. Sad and pensive, brooding about the child she gave away, she cluelessly selects a board game.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
JEALOUS OF HER SISTER: Danica visits for Christmas and while the rest of the family has fun at game night she only observes – her gift obviously out-of-touch with the kids ages and electronic desires. The sister leaves, hiding from them all she has serious back pain.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
CHARMING: Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a genetic DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but agrees to take the test.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
PATHOLOGICALLY DEVOID OF EMOTION: Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. Sex for her is nothing more than a cold biological function.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
MANIPULATIVE: Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself and accessing the lab’s confidential files.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
JEALOUS OF HER SISTER:Another wistful visit while Danica catches a TV commercial about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – his platform is anti-abortion and he calls women ‘host bodies’ – Danica is disgusted at his hypocrisy.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY
PATHOLOGICALLY DEVOID OF EMOTION: Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this and carelessly tosses it in the garbage.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT
PATHOLOGICALLY DEVOID OF EMOTION: Her boyfriend finds the discarded positive pregnancy test and confronts Dianna. She shrugs and tells him “she already took care of that.”
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
PATHOLOGICALLY DEVOID OF EMOTION: Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend accuses Dianna of aborting their child without even consulting him, and of cold-blooded murder. Dianna just throws him out.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
CRAVES POWER / RECOGNITION: Cyrus meets with anti-abortion lobbyists and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
DRIVEN / COMPETITIVE: Danica is a compulsive marathon runner and begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
CHARACTER ARC CHANGES FROM SELFISH TO EMPATHETIC: She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
CHARACTER ARC CHANGES, CONT.: Danica meets with her brother-in-law, niece and nephew but is unsure of how to give them solace.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
CHARACTER ARC CHANGES, CONT.: Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – NEXT DAY
DRIVEN / COMPETITIVE: Danica finds she doesn’t have the strength to run that day.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
CHARACTER ARC CHANGES, CONT.: She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online but we are unsure of her motive – is it for a kidney or a relationship?
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
MANIPULATIVE: Dianna reads about her Aunt’s death online and studying her own mother’s DNA health markers realizes Danica is also likely to die of kidney disease without a transplant. We see Dianna go to Cyrus’s DNA results on the computer but not what she finds.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
WORKAHOLIC / NARCISSIST: Cyrus announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Court of Appeals, located in <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:place></st1:city>. She tells him the results of the family DNA tests uncovered a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna) and she will be leaving him.
Cyrus is shocked to learn the child was not aborted.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments against restricting abortions in the state of LA. She is shaken to learn that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the appointed Circuit Appeals Judge.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
CHARACTER ARC CHANGES, CONT.: She goes on a concentrated online search for Dianna, the daughter (and using the DNA genetic app previously seen used by Cyrus’s family), finds her. Dianna is a shocking spitting image of her mother.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
CHARACTER ARC CHANGES, CONT.: Danica can’t concentrate on work. She finally contacts Dianna by email, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. Danica has no idea Dianna already knows who she is.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
The anti-abortionist broad theoretical arguments for new restrictive legislation includes “sanctity of life” comments, and how they must “protect the unborn” and “what if that little baby is the next president?” // “Even women who have been raped should be inspired because ‘God put them in this moment’, // “Life begins when DNA is created”, etc.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica is preparing for her arguments the next day but flailing, getting bogged down by all the statistics coming out of TX since they passed their “Heartbeat Act” and how it has impacted LA, etc. Her superior calls her out…. “What’s wrong with you?”
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica’s passionate in her counter- arguments against restricting abortion rights: “What if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?” // “The state should never be allowed to compel victims of sexual violence to carry an unwanted child.” // “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… not every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or into poverty…” All while Cyrus just sits there smirking at her. Danica collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
MANIPULATIVE: Dianna receives Danica’s email and suggests they meet early the next morning at Dianna’s prompting, who makes all the arrangements.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – EARLY MORNING
SOCIOPATH: Dianna drives to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over outside his ‘McMansion’ gates to get the morning paper – we recognize him as Cyrus. Brakes Squeal. Blackout.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open to a hospital room. Wincing in pain Danica walks to a mirror realizing she has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in and turns the TV news up reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home that morning. Dianna says, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
NOTE: It appears that neither my changes made in Italics nor in red highlights translated over in a cut/paste action – but trust me, the changes have been made! 😉
-
Day 7 – Anita Gomez – Translated Characters
What I’ve learned: Ultimately, a useful one-sheet for me to reference to help my characters speak and act consistently. But it was confusing for me / cumbersome to jump back and forth from previous assignments to get to this format… and I still don’t know if I did it the way it was intended. Were we supposed to write the newly developed scene after the brainstorming?? Also, I wrote my chosen outcomes from my internal brainstorming sessions within the following answers.
Translate your new-and-improved characters into a scene in your script.
Situation: The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Court of Appeals, presided over by Judge Cyrus Kilner is hearing arguments for and against a new restrictive abortion law for the state of <st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state> similar to that which was passed in <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state> – the state Danica fled years ago when pregnant. She has been tapped by her law firm to argue against this law.
Character 1 Name: Danica, Protagonist – who wants a law career not a baby, but couldn’t access an abortion because of restrictive state laws and hasn’t seen Cyrus since telling him she was pregnant 20 years ago.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>Age</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>Range</st1:placetype></st1:place> and Description: 22 at beginning of film / 42 in this scene.
Danica is a petite brunette who is both toned physically and wound tight emotionally, whose professional demeanor brooks no nonsense.
1. Basic character traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
2. Want/Need: Wants – Success and recognition; Needs – Love and intimacy
3. Paradoxes: Fears failure and the judgment of others // Wants respect while pushing others away
4. Secret: Her unwanted pregnancy with Cyrus (married man, and her boss)
5. Flaws: Driven, Self-centered, Jealous of others – especially her sister’s happy family
6. Special: Hyper-competitive, not just at work but in sports, and games, and all aspects of life – always needs to be the winner.
7. Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Her indiscreet affair 20 years ago has followed her into the courtroom today. Her secret ultimately leads to her emotional and physical breakdown, leading her to search for her unwanted daughter.
8. Character Arc: Danica goes from a selfish woman with no maternal instincts to wanting to seek out and perhaps have a relationship with her daughter. This scene is pivotal in her recognition that she needs to find her estranged daughter if for no other reason than Danica needs a kidney transplant, or she may soon die.
9. Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
What would a Success-oriented person do or say? She would be over-prepared with charts, statistics, witnesses, information, etc.
What would a Driven person do or say? She might come across as desperate in her arguments, the need to succeed ultimately causing her an emotional breakdown.
What would a Self-sufficient person do or say? She wouldn’t ask for help in her presentation, even if she needed it.
What would an Independent person do or say? She would probably come across as grand-standing or show-boating.
What would a Self-centered person do or say? Her legal arguments wouldn’t be global but narrow, coming mainly from her point of view.
Character 2 Name: Judge Cyrus Kilner, Antagonist – who is not only married but was Danica’s superior at work, who was also instrumental in forming Texas’s anti-abortion law and now sits as the judge hearing pro-abortion arguments from Danica 20 years later.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>Age</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>Range</st1:placetype></st1:place> and Description: CYRUS is introduced as the head partner of a large successful law firm, age 36 / now 56 as the Judge in this scene. His swagger and charm disarms people belying an underlying stance of convenience politics overlaid by greasy ethics as he dispenses ready smiles, schmoozing and oozing a charismatic masculine presence.
1. Basic character traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
2. Want/Need: Wants: Attention / affirmation; Needs: To feel valuable / respected
3. Paradoxes: Wants power and success at any cost (ruthless / relentless)
Willing to be unethical / Hypocritical in his goals while perceived as pure and ethical
4. Secret: Wanted to abort his illegitimate daughter with Danica, while publicly touting anti-abortion stance.
5. Flaw: The more he wants to be perceived as perfect, the more willing he is to do whatever it takes to hide his imperfections.
6. Special: Super charming / handsome – to the point people overlook his flaws.
7. Subtext: Unethical, Political
Possible areas of subtext: His public persona and private decisions become more in conflict with each other as time goes on. The affair he had with Danica is ultimately discovered by his wife who then leaves him. The discovery of his hypocritical and unethical behavior ultimately costs him his life, at the hands of his rejected daughter Dianna.
8. Character Arc: In this ‘dramatic triangle’ the father, Cyrus does not change, remaining flat in his selfish ambitions.
9. Character Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
What would an Image-Conscious Narcissist person do or say? As Judge he holds all the power. It doesn’t matter what Danica says or presents, his decision is already baked in, and she knows it (especially with him smirking at her) – driving her to distraction, and a breakdown.
What would a Hypocrite person do or say? He might try to come across as empathetic and understanding all the while knowing his decision is pre-ordained against all abortions, regardless of any circumstantial argument.
What would a Manipulative person do or say? He could give Danica false hope by ‘playing’ her and stringing out her need to be before him, just to watch her squirm.
What would a Workaholic person do or say? Bury the opposition in paperwork.
What would a Unethical person do or say? Hand down a judgment in favor of an unfair anti-abortion law regardless of any evidence for the need to the contrary or even the wishes of the state’s constituents.
-
Anita Gomez – Character Chemistry (Day 6)
What have I learned from this assignment:
Compare your top five characters and discover what gives each of their relationships chemistry.
1. List your character names/roles as couples.
Protagonist/Antagonist: Danica / Cyrus
Protagonist/Connecting Character: Danica / Dianna
Antagonist/Connecting Character: Cyrus / Dianna
Protagonist/Supporting Character 1: Dianna / sister Rebecca
Antagonist/Supporting Character 2: Cyrus / his wife
2. Try to express each relationship on as many of these four levels as you can:
A. Common ground / similarities:
Danica / Cyrus – Both are highly ambitious career-driven A-type achievers.
Danica / Dianna – Both are beautiful and highly intelligent. Both are self-centered.
Cyrus / Dianna – Both are intelligent and driven in their own ways
Dianna / Rebecca – Sisters with a common religious upbringing
Cyrus / Wife – They both love material wealth and creature comforts
B. Differences that create conflict:
Danica / Cyrus – She does not want to be tied down by a family or kids. His family is taken care of by his wife and often used as a political ‘prop’
Danica / Dianna – Danica is a lawyer who sees things in black and white (moral center); Dianna has no moral center at all (amoral)
Cyrus / Dianna – He is an extrovert who craves power and adulation; She is a loner and anti-social.
Dianna / Rebecca – Dianna is no longer bound by church doctrine. Her sister remains steeped in a conservative mind-set. Danica wants no children, whereas husband and children are everything for Rebecca.
Cyrus / Wife – He is a narcissist / she wants the material benefits of his career, but shuns public attention
C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas:
Danica / Cyrus – Both ambitious and career-driven, but Cyrus is above the consequences of his actions (an affair) and Danica has to deal with those consequences (a pregnancy) or give up the one thing she wants – a successful career.
Danica / Dianna – When Danica decides she needs to find and connect with her lost daughter her motives are muddy (is it for a relationship, or a needed kidney transplant?). Dianna’s motives in connecting with her mother are also muddy (she is incapable of relationships so she views her mother as just another genetic experiment – orchestrating her biological father’s death so Danica can get his kidney)
Cyrus / Dianna – He is oblivious to Dianna’s very existence / She has no feelings for him and only vies him as a clinical subject
Dianna / Rebecca – Dainna wants an abortion / Rebecca is appalled at the idea and pleads with her sister not to do it
Cyrus / Wife – They play the same game – propping up his career for gain (he gains power and recognition / the wife gains the benefits of his wealth) so they both play the same game of projecting the appearance of a perfect family.
D. Need fulfillment:
Danica / Cyrus – They have an affair – both for convenience and sex, and neither wanting anything more
Danica / Dianna – She doesn’t want a child, so giving Dianna up at birth fulfills the need to remain unencumbered, and not having an abortion fulfills her lingering religious beliefs. Later Danica thinks Dianna will fulfill her need for a new kidney. Dainna wants nothing more than a curiosity fulfilled from meeting her biological mother
Cyrus / Dianna – neither needs or wants anything from the other… quite the opposite
Dianna / Rebecca – Rebecca and her family is the only family Danica has and they fulfill her subliminal need for one of her own
Cyrus / Wife – Cyrus needs his wife and family as ‘props’ and the wife needs his salary to fulfill her sense of status
-
DAY 5: Adding Character Arc
(Anita Gomez) Character Arc
What I learned from this: I think I have a good handle on my main character’s arc. But my story structure is a dramatic triangle and I need to work the arc out more specifically for the daughter, Dianna. My plan is not to change any personality flaws in Cyrus, the father, deliberately keeping him solely focused on his need for control and power (up the judgeship ladder, etc) until his past catches up with him and ruins his marriage.
Apply the Character Arc process to your protagonist and add the improvements to your structure.
1. Return to your structure from Day 7 of the Outlining Class.
2. Brainstorm potential Character Arcs. Look at your story structure and your protagonist character profile together. First look to see if there is an obvious change that will take place in your protagonist. Where does your main character start and end up? Does that imply a transformation? If not, brainstorm possible fears, flaws, or traits that could be changed. Remember, you are going to pick ONE to build your Character Arc around.
PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC:
Part to be changed: She doesn’t want a child / considers abortion / abandons her right after birth
Biggest fear: Having a child will ruin her career / life.
Flaw: Self-centeredness.
Completion of arc: Desires to meet her previously abandoned now-grown daughter for who she is, not what she can do (i.e. – help with a kidney transplant)
Basically: Going from having no maternal instincts to wanting a relationship with her daughter.
3. With the arc you’ve chosen, write up the Issue, Challenges, and Transformation. Please look at the example from THE HANGOVER to see how the challenges escalate.
Issue: Danica is ambitious and selfish and doesn’t want anything to get in the way of her career – especially not a baby.
Challenges:
1) Can’t go through with an abortion due to religious background
2) In denial about her condition while pregnant
3) Nearly dies during childbirth
4) Abandons baby at ‘Safe Haven’
5) Multiple awkward interactions between Danica and her niece and nephew
6) She avoids anything to do with babies or baby celebrations
7) Her sister dies from genetic kidney failure and Danica must face not only her own mortality fears, but what is the meaning of her life beyond work?
Transformation: She finally faces her fear of dying from kidney disease like her sister and is pushed to seek out her daughter for a possible transplant and perhaps a relationship / reconciliation.
-
DAY 4: CHARACTERIZATIONS
(Anita Gomez) Characters Live!
What I learned from this: I tend to be brief in my characterizations. This exercise gave me permission to open up and be more descriptive.
Write a scene focusing on characterization:
1. Look through your outline and select a scene where you want ONE character to stand out from the others.
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Danica confronts senior law partner (Cyrus) that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion – a law he was instrumental in crafting. He wants her to have an abortion anyway to protect his marriage, family and career.
2. Brainstorm ideas for the scene for each of these areas.
A. How can I describe the character in an interesting way?
Being all business could make Danica dull… so she needs to show some flaws or maybe a more fiery disposition than I first imagined.
B. How can the character burst onto the scene?
Danica could burst into Cyrus’ office interrupting his work. Or, it can be after hours and she slides quietly into his office. Or it can be something in-between: she can’t wait for the end of the work day and walks in while he’s on the phone, locking the door behind her (which he misinterprets)
C. What actions naturally fit this scene and the character?
Danica is not a shrinking violet, but is professional, so she wouldn’t cause a scene at work.
D. What would a character with these traits say in this scene?
Danica is a no-nonsense shoot from the hip kind of person. But she’s also dealing with a very personal crisis that involves her boss – so she can’t help but be more emotional than usual…. I think slamming the door at the end is out of character, and why she should do it.
E. How might other characters describe this one?
Cyrus might perceive her as strong but sexy. He’s attracted to her physically but also her intellect and ambition, which reflects his own.
F. What environment would show off who this character is?
The work environment is really the perfect way to introduce / showcase Danica.
3. Write an initial draft where that character stands out by having them burst on the scene, giving them a vivid introduction, expressing who they are through their dialogue, and having others talk about them. (You may have as many characters in the scene as you want, but have your lead stand out through as many of the forms of characterization as you can.)
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
A petite brunette dressed in an impeccable and expensive suit stands at the head of a conference table. DANICA is a tight little package both physically and emotionally. She’s conducting a meeting like a maestro conducts an orchestra – with such crisp staccato instructions meted out with an efficiency that brooks no interruption or questions.
Someone catches her attention through the glass wall and breaks her concentration. It’s CYRUS, the head partner of what we can now see is a large and busy law firm. He swaggers by the conference room charming various assistants and secretaries along the way dispensing ready smiles, schmoozing and oozing a charismatic masculine presence.
CONFERENCE ATTENDEE
(Interrupting her reverie)
Danica? So who are you assigning to the Ryder case?
DANICA’S attention swings back to the meeting at hand.
DANICA
Umm… let me get back to you. That’s all for now.
She closes her leather portfolio and marches from the room leaving the others to look around puzzled – this abrupt departure with unfinished business is not like her, and they notice.
Danica follows the path Cyrus took but without any of the social niceties along the way. She’s all brisk business. She gets to the end of the hall and stops in front of the closed office door with the plaque reading, “Cyrus Kilner, Partner”. Danica’s uncharacteristic hesitation belies her nervousness.
Then she throws the door open with conviction and enters Cyrus’s office. He’s on the phone and looks up, surprised. Danica quietly closes and locks the door behind her.
CYRUS
(into the phone)
I have to call you back.
He hangs up and a sly smile spreads across his face. He stands and takes a slow walk to Danica who’s just standing there with her back against the closed door, hands on handle.
CYRUS
Well isn’t this a nice surprise. Couldn’t wait until after hours? We haven’t snuck in a quickie before. How quiet do you think we can be?
Now he’s standing directly in front of Danica. But as he puts his hands on her shoulders she shrugs him off and storms away.
CYRUS
Playing hard to get?
Danica doesn’t answer, just paces the large well-appointed office. She picks up and puts down a few expensive-looking pieces of art tastefully incorporated around the room. Cyrus watches her, wary now. Finally she whirls to face him, chin up.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Cyrus looks sucker-punched.
CYRUS
What!? How –
DANICA
The usual way.
(beat)
It must have happened when I changed my prescription. I guess the pill isn’t as reliable as death and taxes.
CYRUS
We can’t –
DANICA
There is no “we” in this Cyrus.
Now it’s Cyrus’ turn to pace the room like a caged animal.
CYRUS
Right. But you know I can’t have this – it would ruin me… my marriage, my career…
He looks over his shoulder to her.
CYRUS
Our career. Your career.
He goes to her, now trying a soft reasonable tone.
CYRUS
Dani, we can take care of this. I’ll find a private doctor –
DANICA
(laughing derisively)
Oh that’s rich. You were on the state legislature when the current anti-abortion bill was signed into law. You gloated over that for weeks, Or don’t you remember all that posturing over hearing the baby’s heartbeat making life real, etc, etc.
Cyrus looks panicked. He starts sputtering….
CYRUS
That was meant to… that’s different… how far along are you?
DANICA (cont.)
Oh don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. I’ll just have to leave the state to do it.
There’s a long pause between them. It is the sound of an affair ending and two people seeing each other for who they really are.
DANICA
Consider this my notice.
Without another word Danica goes to the office door, calmly unlocks it, and then slams it really hard on her way out.
4. Take a break for a few hours, then read the initial draft and make any changes you’d like.
Changes incorporated above.
-
(Anita Gomez) Dueling Agendas
What I learned doing this assignment: I had yet to flesh out traits for Rebecca (not even naming her yet), as a supporting character, and this helped immensely.
Name: Danica (Dani)
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Name: Rebecca (Becky), Danica’s older sister
Traits: Loyal, sweet-natured, bit of a space-cadet
Subtext: Everything filters through her Christian belief system; has kidney disease
Character logline: Rebecca is a family-oriented homemaker with a loving husband and two small children who clings to her Evangelical Christian upbringing that includes a staunch anti-abortion stance.
Scene Outline:
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica confides in her Evangelical sister that she doesn’t want this child and fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
Scene:
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica walks into her sister’s slightly chaotic but comfortable middle-class home. She must step over several toys on her way into the kitchen where her sister REBECCA is stirring something on the stove with one toddler banging pots at her feet, while humming to the 9-month-old propped comfortably on her hip.
DANICA
Beck?
Her sister looks up with both surprise and pleasure at seeing her sister
REBECCA
Dani! I didn’t hear you come in. Here.
Rebecca unceremoniously hands the baby over to her sister so she can season what’s on the stove. Danica holds the child awkwardly and sets it on her hip, not looking inward, but away from her.
DANICA
Beck, I need to talk.
REBECCA
Sure. I’m the queen of multi-tasking. What’s up?
The baby on Danica’s hip starts to whimper. The toddler’s pot-banging gets louder.
DANICA
No… I can’t…. Here.
Danica shoves the baby back to her sister who now looks up giving Danica her full attention. With eyes still on her sister she adjusts her fussy child and calls into the other room for her husband.
REBECCA
Ted!
Her husband wanders in reading something on his phone.
REBECCA
Babe, take the kids for a minute so I can visit with Dani.
He absently looks up and notices their visitor as Becky passes him the baby, who instantly snuggles into his shoulder and quiets down.
TED
Oh hey Dani! Didn’t hear you come in.
REBECCA
Dani and I are going to have a chat – have you got this?
She indicates the dinner and kids.
TED
Sure.
EXT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
The two sisters head into the backyard where it’s quiet and sit at a picnic table. Rebecca waits expectantly while Danica nervously brushes at some leaves. Then she just blurts it out.
DANICA
I’m pregnant.
Her sister is surprised and momentarily speechless.
REBECCA
I didn’t even know you were seeing someone! Oh, but how wonderful!
She goes in to hug Danica, who brushes her aside.
DANICA
No. NOT wonderful. I don’t want it. And neither does the father.
(beat)
I’m not having it.
REBECCA
You’re not – but you can’t mean it –
DANICA
Yes. I DO mean it. I can’t get it done here with this ridiculous ‘hearbeat law’, so I’m going to <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:place></st1:city> and will be out of town for a few days. I just thought you should know.
Rebecca looks stunned. Then she takes a deep breath and gathers herself.
REBECCA
Dani, I know this must all seem overwhelming in the moment, but you’ll get your bearings and then the sheer joy of creating this precious life will settle in and –
DANICA
No. There is no joy. And there won’t be any –
REBECCA
But the moment you hold the baby your heart will just expand, it’s like falling in love –
DANICA
(laughs bitterly)
My life isn’t like yours Becky. I don’t have the white picket fence husband-family thing, and frankly have no appetite for it. I chose a law career. That’s MY path, and I won’t have some mistake interfere with that.
REBECCA reaches out to hold Dani’s hand.
REBECCA
It’s not a mistake, it’s a baby.
DANICA
(rising now)
No! It’s NOT a baby… it’s and embryo… an unwanted alien object intruding on MY life!
Rebecca stands too.
REBECCA
Think Dani, we grew up in the same church – what does it teach us…. What would mom and dad say?
DANICA
(coldly)
I don’t go to church like you any more. And mom and dad are dead.
The words are like a slap and Rebecca is stunned silent.
DANICA
(more gently)
Look Beck, we’re the only family each us of has now. And you already risked your life, TWICE, each time you had a kid. You may have been born with two kidneys to my one, but they’re weak… and well, frankly I do not intend to put my life on the line for a child I Do NOT want.
REBECCA
Dani, there’s always adoption –
Danica cuts her off by walking away.
REBECCA
(pleading)
Please don’t do this thing, I beg you! You’ll grow to love the child –
DANICA
I didn’t come here for a debate. I just wanted to let you know why I’ll be out of town. Goodbye Beck.
And she leaves.
-
(Anita Gomez) Subtext and Loglines
What I learned doing this assignment: I feel I had a handle on my character’s personality traits, or at least how I desired to portray them, but did not have labels for these traits. These labels are helpful shorthand to remind me about keeping my characters “true to themselves”. But honestly, I did not come up with any new possible areas of subtext for my story, as I already see my characters a certain way. That said, this will be a good brainstorming exercise for future story concepts I want to explore.
Name: Danica
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Possible areas of subtext: Danica moves to another state to either have an abortion, or start a new life with the child. Her indiscreet affair follows her throughout life coloring every decision she makes as she becomes more and more of a loner and emotionally detached. Her secret ultimately leads to her emotional and physical breakdown, leading her to search for her unwanted daughter.
Name: Cyrus
Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext: Unethical, Political
Character Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
Possible areas of subtext: His public persona and private decisions become more in conflict with each other as time goes on. The affair he had with Danica is ultimately discovered by his wife who then leaves him. The discovery of his hypocritical and unethical behavior ultimately costs him his life, at the hands of his rejected daughter Dianna.
Name: Dianna
Traits: Dominating, Self-confident, Willful, Bad-tempered
Subtext: Evil / Immoral, no moral center or self-restraint
Character Logline: Dianna is a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman with abandonment issues who kills her biological father Cyrus, allowing his kidney to become the life-saving transplant her mother needs.
Possible areas of subtext: Dianna is the ultimate product of her parents’ genetics – she is both brilliant and damaged. Dianna can’t connect emotionally with her adoptive parents or her boyfriend or even coworkers. Her intellectual abilities actually enable her lack of need for human connection, ratcheting up an in-born propensity for being a sociopath with disassociate disorder.
-
(Anita Gomez) Character Profiles
Post your work in the Day 1 section of the “Seducing Actors” sub-forum.
What I learned doing this assignment: Excellent exercise to hone in on my characters. It also tells me I will have a challenge to differentiate between these 3 individuals, as Danica and Cyrus are very much alike, and Dianna is the worst product of the both of them combined.
Character Name: Danica
1. Basic character traits:
What are 3 or 4 traits that this character consistently operates out of? Usually, one of those traits needs to be unique to keep the character from being cliche.
Success-oriented
Driven
Pragmatic
Self-sufficient / Independent
2. Want/Need:
What does this character want throughout this story? What is the underlying need that is driving that want?
Wants: Success and recognition
Needs: Love and intimacy
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements):
What opposite values does this character have that creates an internal conflict for them?
Fears failure / judgment of others
Wants respect while pushing others away
4. Secret:
What are they hiding that ultimately could keep them from getting their desire in this story?
Her unwanted pregnancy with Cyrus (married man, and her boss)
5. Flaw:
What weakness or dysfunction does this character have that makes them human?
Driven
Jealous of others – especially her sister’s happy family
6. Special:
The thing that completely separates this character from all others. It could be the part of them that is odd or intense or cool or profound.
Hyper-competitive, not just at work but in sports, and games, and all aspects of life – always needs to be the winner.
Character Name: Cyrus
1. Basic character traits:
Image-Conscious / Narcissistic
Hypocrite
Manipulative
Workaholic
2. Want/Need:
Wants: Attention / affirmation
Needs: To feel valuable / respected
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements):
Wants power and success at any cost (ruthless / relentless)
Willing to be unethical / Hypocritical in his goals while perceived as pure and ethical
4. Secret: Wanted to abort his illegitimate daughter with Danica, while publicly touting anti-abortion stance.
5. Flaw: The more he wants to be perceived as perfect, the more willing he is to do whatever it takes to hide his imperfections.
6. Special:
Super charming / handsome – to the point people overlook his flaws.
Character Name: Dianna
1. Basic character traits:
Dominating
Self-confident
Willful
Bad temper
2. Want/Need
Wants: To be in control
Needs: To be loved
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)
Egocentric / hard-hearted
Wants respect but needs others to subjugate themselves to her
4. Secret: Fear of abandonment / rejection while simultaneously seeking out the true identities of her birth parents who abandoned her.
5. Flaw:
Won’t allow vulnerability
No emotional attachments to anyone / Sociopath
Vengeful
Antisocial Personality Disorder
6. Special:
Brilliant and resourceful, but beautiful on the outside only.
-
Anita Gomez Essence-Only Outline for “LIFE CHOICES” Version 3
1. List the following key components of your story:
A. Concept:
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted, but who becomes her unexpected solution.
B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation
C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
D. Lead Characters:
Danica wants a law career not a baby but can’t access an abortion because of restrictive state laws.
The baby’s father Cyrus, is not only married but Danica’s ambitious superior at work, who was instrumental in forming their state’s anti-abortion law.
Dianna is the unwanted child who is then adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman, but also the ultimate damaged version of her two psychologically flawed biological parents.
E. Dramatic Question: Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term which puts her own life in jeopardy; and later, continue to reject the woman the child has become, or finally embrace her?
F. Main Conflict: The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown abandoned daughter for a transplant.
G. Dilemma: Abort the child against her religious beliefs and at the father’s request, or have the child at great personal health risk and ruin her career plans. LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Find the abandoned child for selfish health reasons or try and connect with the now-grown brilliant daughter. Really it is two sides of the same ‘coin’: Destroy the child or let it live.
H. Theme: That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy can often lead to an unwanted child.
I. Character Arc of Lead Character(s): Danica goes from a selfish woman to desiring a relationship with her abandoned child. In this ‘dramatic triangle’ the father, Cyrus remains flat in his selfish ambitions. The daughter Dianna’s arc goes from bad to worse: abandonment issues turn to full-blown psychosis leading to murdering her father.
J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):
1. Opening: (flash-forward) Danica nearly dies in childbirth.
2. Inciting Incident: Danica confronts Cyrus with the pregnancy neither wants.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Danica’s religious sister condemns her for wanting an abortion, which she can then not go through with.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The grueling birth of Dianna, with a defect of a missing kidney, and Danica rejects the child.
5. Mid-Point: Danica’s career takes off as does Cyrus’ – who becomes an influential judge – while Dianna, now adopted, grows into a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Danica’s sister dies and she discovers her own life-threatening health risks just as Dianna discovers who her real parents are.
7. Crisis: Danica must present legal anti-abortion arguments before Judge Cyrus causing a breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant and leading her to search out and find her now-grown abandoned daughter.
8. Climax: Dianna, who is aware of both parents’ identities and their medical history, kills Cyrus.
9. Resolution: Danica receives Cyrus’ kidney in a transplant operation orchestrated by her estranged daughter Dianna.
Anita Gomez’s Essence Only Outline
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
(Flash-forward) A woman is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die.
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
(Flashback 7 months): Danica confronts senior law partner (Cyrus) that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion – a law he was instrumental in crafting. He wants her to have an abortion anyway to protect his marriage, family and career.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica confides in her Evangelical sister that she doesn’t want this child and fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
INT. CATHOLIC – THAT NIGHT
Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state driving to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica is confronted by religious anti-abortion protestors and finds she can’t go through with the abortion.
INT. DANICA’S NEW LAW OFFICES – DAY
She has thrown herself into work and is in denial that she is even pregnant, brushing off any coworkers comments about her working so many hours in her condition.
INT. DANICA’s NEW APARTMENT – NIGHT
Her place is not set up for a baby…. No nursery or sign of impending motherhood. She is hugely pregnant and working late. Suddenly Danica goes into labor, and doesn’t even understand that’s what is happening, she is in so much denial.
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience, Danica regains consciousness and told the infant was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. Danica emotionally rejects the infant.
INT. HOSPITAL – LATER
Danica physically rejects her newborn telling the nurse, “Not all of us are born mothers. I want pills to dry up my milk” but the nurse just thinks this is post-partum depression.
INT. DANICA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Her newborn is in her car seat on the sofa screaming and nothing Danica does can make it stop. Danica starts screaming back at the baby.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”. A fireman tries to “talk her down saying she can adapt her out” but Danica just screams, “No one is listening! I can’t do this…” and she runs away.
EXT. TEXAS HIGHWAY – DAY
Giant billboards picture Cyrus running for a Judgeship with politically motivated anti-abortion statements seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Partners congratulate Cyrus on his election win as a state Judge.
INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY
Cyrus is presiding over an adoption proceeding unbeknownst to him that it is Dianna, his biological daughter from Danica, who is being adopted in the city where he lives.
INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY
Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new doting parents. They tell her how much they’ve always wanted a child.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica coldly and with ambition climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious Louisiana law firm: “You’re one of the boys now”.
EXT. LOUISIANA STREET – DAY
Danica is a marathon participant – it’s obvious she has entered many before.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Cyrus gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by a case about a young girl seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak that her adoptive parents excuse as ‘accidental’.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Narcissistic Cyrus interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and distant way deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
The mother comes home distraught to find Dianna (about age 9) calmly watching gruesome horror movies.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING
In his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his ‘McMansion’, and while gloating over the headlines announcing his Judgeship, a car passes too close bobbling his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
EXT. DIANNA’S PARENT HOUSE – EXT
They congratulate her on getting her driver’s permit as she drives off. Dianna drives around and comes to the block where Cyrus lives driving slowly enough for us to recognize his house from earlier.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
At the Homecoming game Dianna surreptitiously lures the school mascot (a bulldog) under the bleachers feeding it something that causes seizures as she coolly observes.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY
There is a Psychologist present explaining to Dianna’s parents they believe it was Dianna who harmed (but thankfully did not kill) the school mascot, and further believe her to be a Vulnerable Narcisist with Alexithymia – a term to describe problems with feeling emotions… not their fault as good parents – it is often a genetic trait.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents confront her about her emotional detachment. She tells them not to worry – she really wants to help others, and has decided to go into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly to uncover others with kidney deficiency (which she later discovers includes her biological mother and Aunt).
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
Dianna graduates college early and is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics to study disease outcomes along the lines of “Nurture vs. Nature” with a big $$ Grant.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna displays the same cold ambition as her biological mother, exemplified by dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the lab, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back about her cold detachment. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and later becomes her boyfriend.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping last minute for Christmas for her niece. Sad and pensive, brooding about the child she gave away, she cluelessly selects a board game.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Danica visits for Christmas and while the rest of the family has fun at game night she only observes – her gift obviously out-of-touch with the kids ages and electronic desires. The sister leaves, hiding from them all she has serious back pain.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a genetic DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but agrees to take the test.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. Sex for her is nothing more than a cold biological function.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself and accessing the lab’s confidential files.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Another wistful visit while Danica catches a TV commercial about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – his platform is anti-abortion and he calls women ‘host bodies’ – Danica is disgusted.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY
Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this and carelessly tosses it in the garbage.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT
Her boyfriend finds the discarded positive pregnancy test and confronts Dianna. She shrugs and tells him “she already took care of that.”
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend accuses Dianna of aborting their child without even consulting him, and of cold-blooded murder. Dianna just throws him out.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus meets with anti-abortion lobbyists and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner and begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica meets with her brother-in-law, niece and nephew but is incapable of being much solace.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – NEXT DAY
Danica finds she doesn’t have the strength to run that day.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online but we are unsure of her motive – is it for a kidney or a relationship?
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna reads about her Aunt’s death online and studying her own mother’s DNA health markers realizes Danica is also likely to die of kidney disease without a transplant. We see Dianna go to Cyrus’s DNA results on the computer but not what she finds.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
Cyrus announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Court of Appeals, located in New Orleans. She tells him the results of the family DNA tests uncovered a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna) and she will be leaving him.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments against restricting abortions in the state of LA. She is shaken to learn that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the appointed Circuit Appeals Judge.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated online search for Dianna, the daughter (and using the DNA genetic app previously seen used by Cyrus’s family), finds her. Dianna is a shocking spitting image of her mother.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica can’t concentrate on work. She finally contacts Dianna by email, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. Danica has no idea Dianna already knows who she is.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
The anti-abortionist broad theoretical arguments for new restrictive legislation includes “sanctity of life” comments, and how they must “protect the unborn” and “what if that little baby is the next president?” // “Even women who have been raped should be inspired because ‘God put them in this moment’, // “Life begins when DNA is created”, etc.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica is preparing for her arguments the next day but flailing, getting bogged down by all the statistics coming out of TX since they passed their “Heartbeat Act” and how it has impacted LA, etc. Her superior calls her out…. “What’s wrong with you?”
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica’s passionate in her counter- arguments against restricting abortion rights: “What if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?” // “The state should never be allowed to compel victims of sexual violence to carry an unwanted child.” // “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… not every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or into poverty…” All while Cyrus just sits there smirking at her. Danica collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna receives Danica’s email and suggests they meet early the next morning at Dianna’s prompting, who makes all the arrangements.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – EARLY MORNING
Dianna drives to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over outside his ‘McMansion’ gates to get the morning paper – we recognize him as Cyrus. Brakes Squeal. Blackout.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open to a hospital room. Wincing in pain Danica walks to a mirror realizing she has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in and turns the TV news up reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home that morning. Dianna says, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
(Originally I posted under “Day 17” – please note this is now my Version 2. Thanks for any / all feedback!)
Anita Gomez Essence-Only Outline for “LIFE CHOICES” Version 2
1. List the following key components of your story:
A. Concept:
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted, but who becomes her unexpected solution.
B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation
C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
D. Lead Characters:
Danica wants a law career not a baby but can’t access an abortion because of restrictive state laws.
The baby’s father Cyrus, is not only married but Danica’s ambitious superior at work, who was instrumental in forming their state’s anti-abortion law.
Dianna is the unwanted child who is then adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman, but also the ultimate version of her two psychologically flawed biological parents.
E. Dramatic Question: Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term which puts her own life in jeopardy; and later, continue to reject the woman the child has become, or finally embrace her?
F. Main Conflict: The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown abandoned daughter for a transplant.
G. Dilemma: Abort the child against her religious beliefs and at the father’s request, or have the child at great personal health risk and ruin her career plans. LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Find the abandoned child for selfish health reasons or try and connect with the now-grown brilliant daughter. Really it is the same ‘coin’: Destroy the child or let it live.
H. Theme: That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy can lead to an unwanted child.
I. Character Arc of Lead Character(s): Danica goes from a selfish woman to desiring a relationship with her abandoned child. In this ‘dramatic triangle’ the father, Cyrus remains flat in his selfish ambitions. Dianna the daughter’s arc goes from bad to worse: abandonment issues turn to full-blown psychosis leading to murdering her father.
J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):
1. Opening: (flash-forward) Danica nearly dies in childbirth.
2. Inciting Incident: Danica confronts Cyrus with the pregnancy neither wants.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Danica’s religious sister condemns her for wanting an abortion.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The grueling birth of Dianna, with a defect of a missing kidney, and Danica rejects the child.
5. Mid-Point: Danica’s career takes off as does Cyrus’ – who becomes an influential judge – while Dianna, now adopted, grows into a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Danica’s sister dies and she discovers her own life-threatening health risks just as Dianna discovers who her real parents are.
7. Crisis: Danica must present legal anti-abortion arguments before Judge Cyrus causing a breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant and leading her to search out and find her abandoned daughter.
8. Climax: Dianna, who is aware of both parents’ identities and their medical history, kills Cyrus.
9. Resolution: Danica receives Cyrus’ kidney in a transplant operation orchestrated by her estranged daughter Dianna.
Anita Gomez’s Essence Only Outline
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
(Flash-forward) A woman is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die.
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
(Flashback 7 months): Danica confronts senior law partner (Cyrus) that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion – a law he was instrumental in crafting. He wants her to have an abortion anyway to protect his marriage, family and career.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica confides in her Evangelical sister that she doesn’t want this child and fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – THAT NIGHT
Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state driving to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica is confronted by religious anti-abortion protestors and finds she can’t go through with the abortion.
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience, Danica regains consciousness and told the infant was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. Danica emotionally rejects the infant.
INT. HOSPITAL – LATER
Danica physically rejects her newborn telling the nurse, “Not all of us are born mothers”.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
EXT. TEXAS HIGHWAY – DAY
Giant billboards picture Cyrus running for a Judgeship with politically motivated anti-abortion statements seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Partners congratulate Cyrus on his election win as a state Judge.
INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY
Cyrus is presiding over an adoption proceeding unbeknownst to him that it is Dianna, his biological daughter from Danica, who is being adopted.
INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY
Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new doting parents.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica coldly and with ambition climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious Louisiana law firm: “You’re one of the boys now”.
EXT. LOUISIANA STREET – DAY
Danica is a marathon participant – it’s obvious she has entered many before.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Cyrus gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by a case about a young girl seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak that her adoptive parents excuse as ‘accidental’.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Narcissistic Cyrus interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and distant way deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
The mother comes home distraught to find Dianna (about age 9) calmly watching gruesome horror movies.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING
In his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his ‘McMansion’, and while gloating over the headlines announcing his Judgeship, a car passes too close bobbling his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
At the Homecoming game Dianna surreptitiously lures the school mascot (a bulldog) under the bleachers feeding it something that causes seizures as she coolly observes.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY
There is a Psychologist present explaining to Dianna’s parents they believe it was Dianna who harmed (but thankfully did not kill) the school mascot, and further believe her to be a Vulnerable Narcisist with Alexithymia – a term to describe problems with feeling emotions.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents confront her about her emotional detachment. She tells them not to worry – she really wants to help others, and has decided to go into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly to uncover others with kidney deficiency (which she later discovers includes her biological mother and Aunt).
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
Dianna graduates college early and is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics to study disease outcomes along the lines of “Nurture vs. Nature” with a big $$ Grant.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna displays the same cold ambition as her biological mother, exemplified by dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the lab, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back about her cold detachment. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and later becomes her boyfriend.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping last minute for Christmas for her niece. Sad and pensive, brooding about the child she gave away, she cluelessly selects a board game.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Danica visits for Christmas and while the rest of the family has fun at game night she only observes – her gift obviously out-of-touch with the kids ages and electronic desires. The sister leaves, hiding from them all she has serious back pain.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a genetic DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but agrees to take the test.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. Sex for her is nothing more than a cold biological function.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Another wistful visit while Danica catches a TV commercial about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – his platform is anti-abortion and he calls women ‘host bodies’ – Danica is disgusted.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY
Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this and carelessly tosses it in the garbage.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT
Her boyfriend finds the discarded positive pregnancy test and confronts Dianna. She shrugs and tells him “she already took care of that.”
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend accuses Dianna of aborting their child without even consulting him, and of cold-blooded murder. Dianna just throws him out.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus meets with anti-abortion lobbyists and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner and begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica meets with her brother-in-law, niece and nephew but has too many regrets about giving away her own child to be of much solace.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – NEXT DAY
Danica finds she doesn’t have the strength to run that day.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online but we are unsure of her motive – is it for a kidney or a relationship?
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna reads about her Aunt’s death online and studying her own mother’s DNA health markers realizes Danica is also likely to die of kidney disease without a transplant. We see Dianna go to Cyrus’s DNA results on the computer but not what she finds.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
Cyrus announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals, located in New Orleans. She tells him the results of the family DNA tests uncovered a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna) and she will be leaving him.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments against restricting abortions in the state of LA. She is shaken to learn that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the appointed Circuit Appeals Judge.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a DNA genetic app, finds her. Dianna is a shocking spitting image of her mother.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica can’t concentrate on work. She finally contacts Dianna by email, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. Danica has no idea Dianna already knows who she is.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
The anti-abortionist broad theoretical arguments for new restrictive legislation includes “sanctity of life” comments, and how they must “protect the unborn” and “what if that little baby is the next president?” // “Even women who have been raped should be inspired because ‘God put them in this moment’, // “Life begins when DNA is created”, etc.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica is preparing for her arguments the next day but flailing, getting bogged down by all the statistics coming out of TX since they passed their “Heartbeat Act” and how it has impacted LA, etc. Her superior calls her out…. “What’s wrong with you?”
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica’s passionate in her counter- arguments against restricting abortion rights: “What if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?” // “The state should never be allowed to compel victims of sexual violence to carry an unwanted child.” // “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… not every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or into poverty…” All while Cyrus just sits there smirking at her. Danica collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna receives Danica’s email and suggests they meet early the next morning at Dianna’s prompting, who makes all the arrangements.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – EARLY MORNING
Dianna drives to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over outside his ‘McMansion’ gates to get the morning paper – we recognize him as Cyrus. Brakes Squeal. Blackout.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open to a hospital room. Wincing in pain Danica walks to a mirror realizing she has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in and turns the TV news up reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home that morning. Dianna says, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
-
I posted my Essence Only Outline under the “Assignment 17” forum, and I request any and all feedback from anyone interested in doing so. Thank you!
PS – I neglected to mention my working title is ‘Life Choices’ if that makes it easier to reference.
-Anita
-
Anita Gomez Essence-Only Outline Version 1
1. List the following key components of your story:
A. Concept:
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted, but who becomes her unexpected solution.
B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation
C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
D. Lead Characters:
Danica wants a law career not a baby but can’t access an abortion because of restrictive state laws.
The baby’s father Cyrus, is not only married but Danica’s ambitious superior at work, who was instrumental in forming their state’s anti-abortion law.
Dianna is the unwanted child who is then adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman, but also the ultimate version of her two psychologically flawed biological parents.
E. Dramatic Question: Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term which puts her own life in jeopardy; and later, continue to reject the woman the child has become, or finally embrace her?
F. Main Conflict: The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown abandoned daughter for a transplant.
G. Dilemma: Abort the child against her religious beliefs and at the father’s request, or have the child at great personal health risk and ruin her career plans. LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Find the abandoned child for selfish health reasons or try and connect with the now-grown brilliant daughter. Really it is the same ‘coin’: Destroy the child or let it live.
H. Theme: That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy can lead to an unwanted child.
I. Character Arc of Lead Character: Danica goes from a selfish woman to desiring a relationship with her abandoned child.
J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):
1. Opening: (flash-forward) Danica nearly dies in childbirth.
2. Inciting Incident: Danica confronts Cyrus with the pregnancy neither wants.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Danica’s religious sister condemns her for wanting an abortion.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: The grueling birth of Dianna, with a defect of a missing kidney, and Danica rejects the child.
5. Mid-Point: Danica’s career takes off as does Cyrus’ – who becomes an influential judge – while Dianna, now adopted, grows into a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Dianna’s sister dies and she discovers her own life-threatening health risks just as Dianna discovers who her real parents are.
7. Crisis: Danica must present legal anti-abortion arguments before Judge Cyrus causing a breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant and leading her to search out and find her abandoned daughter.
8. Climax: Dianna, who is aware of both parents’ identities and their medical history, kills Cyrus.
9. Resolution: Danica receives Cyrus’ kidney in a transplant operation orchestrated by her estranged daughter Dianna.
Anita Gomez’s Essence Only Outline for “LIFE CHOICES”
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Danica is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die.
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Flashback 7 months: Danica’s confronts senior law partner (Cyrus) that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion – a law he was instrumental in crafting. He wants her to have an abortion anyway to protect his marriage, family and career.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica confides in her Evangelical sister that she doesn’t want this child and fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – THAT NIGHT
Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state driving to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica is confronted by anti-abortion protestors and finds she can’t go through with the abortion.
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience, Danica regains consciousness and told the infant was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. Danica emotionally rejects the infant.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – LATER
Danica physically rejects her newborn: “Not all of us are born mothers”.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
EXT. TEXAS HIGHWAY – DAY
Giant billboards picture Cyrus running for a Judgeship with politically motivated anti-abortion statements seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Partners congratulate Cyrus on his election win as a local Judge.
INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY
Cyrus is presiding over an adoption proceeding unbeknownst to him that it is Dianna.
INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY
Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new doting parents.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica coldly and with ambition climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> law firm.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Cyrus gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by a case about a young girl seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus interacts with his two preteen kids in a fatherly but distracted and distant way deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING
It is his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his ‘McMansion’ when a car passes too close and he bobbles his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
At the Homecoming game Dianna surreptitiously lures the school mascot (a bulldog) under the bleachers feeding it something that causes seizures as she coolly observes.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worried about her lack of friends and emotional detachment. She tells them not to worry – she really wants to help others, and has decided to go into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly to uncover others with kidney deficiency (which she later discovers includes her biological mother and Aunt).
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
Dianna graduates college early and is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics to study along the lines of “Nurture vs. Nature” with a big Grant.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna displays the same cold ambition of her biological mother playing out in her dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the lab, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and later becomes her boyfriend.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping last minute for Christmas for her niece. She is sad and pensive, brooding about the child she gave away.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Danica visits for Christmas and while the rest of the family has fun at game night she only observes. The sister gets up, hiding from them some serious back pain.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a genetic DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but agrees to take the test.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. Sex for her is nothing more than a biological function.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Another wistful visit and Danica catches a TV commercial about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – his platform’s anti-abortion and calls women’s bodies ‘host bodies’ – Danica is disgusted.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY
Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this and carelessly tosses it in the garbage.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT
Her boyfriend finds the discarded positive pregnancy test and confronts Dianna. She shrugs and tells him “she already took care of that.”
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend accuses Dianna of aborting their child without even consulting him and of cold-blooded murder. Dianna throws him out.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus meets with anti-abortion lobbyists and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET- DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner and begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica meets with her brother-in-law, niece and nephew but has too many regrets about giving away her own child to be of much solace.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – NEXT DAY
Danica finds she doesn’t have the strength to run that day.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online but we are unsure of her motive – is it for a kidney or a relationship?
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna reads about her Aunt’s death and studying her own mother’s DNA health markers realizes Danica is also likely to die of kidney disease without a transplant. We see Dianna go to Cyrus’s DNA results on the computer but not what she finds.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
Cyrus announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Court of Appeals, located in <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:city></st1:place>. She tells him the results of the family DNA tests uncovered a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna) and she will be leaving him.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments against restricting abortions in the state of LA. She is shaken to learn that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the appointed Circuit Appeals Judge.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a DNA genetic app, finds her. Dianna is a shocking spitting image of her mother.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica can’t concentrate on work. She finally contacts Dianna by email, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. Danica has no idea Dianna already knows who she is.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
The anti-abortionist argument for new restrictive legislation includes “sanctity of life” comments, and how they must “protect the unborn” and “what if that little baby is the next president?” // “Even women who have been raped should be inspired because ‘God put them in this moment’, // “Life begins when DNA is created”, etc.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica is preparing for her arguments the next day but flailing, getting bogged down by all the statistics coming out of TX since they passed their “Heartbeat Act” and how it has impacted LA, etc. Her superior calls her out…. “What’s wrong with you?”
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica’s passionate in her counter- arguments: “What if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?” // “The state should never be allowed to compel victims of sexual violence to carry an unwanted child.” // “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… not every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or into poverty…” All while Cyrus just sits there smirking at her. Danica collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna receives Danica’s email and suggests they meet early the next morning at Dianna’s prompting, who makes all the arrangements.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – EARLY MORNING
Dianna drives to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway – we recognize him as Cyrus. Brakes Squeal. Blackout.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open to a hospital room. Wincing in pain Danica walks to a mirror realizing she has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in and turns the TV news up reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning. Dianna says, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
Hi,
It sounded to me like we were meant to put our “Essence Outlines” here, and then request feedback with each other in a separate post via the “Exchange” forum. But I see people are posting their outlines on the “Exchange” forum directly, and then commenting to each other directly there. Please clarify. Thanks! -Anita
-
Anita Gomez’s Pass 10: Essence Only Outline
What I learned in this assignment: Brevity helped me focus on the essence, which helped me focus on the flow.
Logline: A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted, but who becomes her unexpected solution.
Dramatic Question: Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term which puts her own life in jeopardy; and later, continue to reject the woman the child has become, or finally embrace her?
Main Conflict: The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown abandoned daughter for a transplant.
Dilemma: Abort the child against her family’s religious beliefs and at the father’s request, or have the child at great personal health risk and ruin her career plans. LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Find the abandoned child for selfish health reasons or try and connect with the now-grown brilliant daughter. Really it is the same ‘coin’: Destroy the child or let it live.
Theme: That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy can lead to an unwanted child.
Essence Only Outline:
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
Danica is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die.
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Flashback 7 months: Danica’s confronts senior law partner (Cyrus) that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion – a law he was instrumental in crafting. He wants her to have an abortion anyway to protect his marriage, family and career.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica confides in her Evangelical sister that she doesn’t want this child and fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st=”on”>CATHOLIC</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>CHURCH</st1:placetype></st1:place> – THAT NIGHT
Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state driving to <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:place></st1:state> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica is confronted by anti-abortion protestors and finds she can’t go through with the abortion.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
Back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience, Danica regains consciousness and told the infant was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. Danica emotionally rejects the infant.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – LATER
Danica physically rejects her newborn: “Not all of us are born mothers”.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>TEXAS HIGHWAY</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
Giant billboards picture Cyrus running for a Judgeship with politically motivated anti-abortion statements seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Partners congratulate Cyrus on his election win as a local Judge.
INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY
Cyrus is presiding over an adoption proceeding unbeknownst to him that it is Dianna.
INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY
Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new doting parents.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica coldly and with ambition climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> law firm.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Cyrus gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by a case about a young girl seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and distant way deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING
It is his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his ‘McMansion’ when a car passes too close and he bobbles his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
At the Homecoming game Dianna surreptitiously lures the school mascot (a bulldog) under the bleachers feeding it something that causes seizures as she coolly observes.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worried about her lack of friends and emotional detachment. She tells them not to worry – she really wants to help others, and has decided to go into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly to uncover others with kidney deficiency (which she later discovers includes her biological mother and Aunt).
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
Dianna graduates college early and is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics to study along the lines of “Nurture vs. Nature” with a big Grant.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna displays the same cold ambition of her biological mother playing out in her dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the lab, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and later becomes her boyfriend.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping last minute for Christmas for her niece. She is sad and pensive, brooding about the child she gave away.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Danica visits for Christmas and while the rest of the family has fun at game night she only observes. The sister gets up, hiding from them some serious back pain.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a genetic DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but agrees to take the test.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. Sex for her is nothing more than a biological function.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
Another wistful visit and Danica catches a TV commercial about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – his platform’s anti-abortion and calls women’s bodies ‘host bodies’ – Danica is disgusted.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY
Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this and carelessly tosses it in the garbage.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT
Her boyfriend finds the discarded positive pregnancy test and confronts Dianna. She shrugs and tells him “she already took care of that.”
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend accuses Dianna of aborting their child without even consulting him and of cold-blooded murder. Dianna throws him out.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus meets with anti-abortion lobbyists and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner and begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica meets with her brother-in-law, niece and nephew but has too many regrets about giving away her own child to be of much solace.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – NEXT DAY
Danica finds she doesn’t have the strength to run that day.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online but we are unsure of her motive – is it for a kidney or a relationship?
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Dianna reads about her Aunt’s death and studying her own mother’s DNA health markers realizes Danica is also likely to die of kidney disease without a transplant. We see Dianna go to Cyrus’s DNA results on the computer but not what she finds.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
Cyrus announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Court of Appeals, located in <st1:city w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:place></st1:city>. She tells him the results of the family DNA tests uncovered a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna) and she will be leaving him.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments against restricting abortions in the state of LA. She is shaken to learn that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the appointed Circuit Appeals Judge.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a DNA genetic app, finds her. Dianna is a shocking spitting image of her mother.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica can’t concentrate on work. She finally contacts Dianna by email, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. Danica has no idea Dianna already knows who she is.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
The anti-abortionist argument for new restrictive legislation includes “sanctity of life” comments, and how they must “protect the unborn” and “what if that little baby is the next president?” // “Even women who have been raped should be inspired because ‘God put them in this moment’, // “Life begins when DNA is created”, etc.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica is preparing for her arguments the next day but flailing, getting bogged down by all the statistics coming out of TX since they passed their “Heartbeat Act” and how it has impacted LA, etc. Her superior calls her out…. “What’s wrong with you?”
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica’s passionate in her counter- arguments: “What if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?” // “The state should never be allowed to compel victims of sexual violence to carry an unwanted child.” // “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… not every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or into poverty…” All while Cyrus just sits there smirking at her. Danica collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna receives Danica’s email and suggests they meet early the next morning at Dianna’s prompting, who makes all the arrangements.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – EARLY MORNING
Dianna drives to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway – we recognize him as Cyrus. Brakes Squeal. Blackout.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open to a hospital room. Wincing in pain Danica walks to a mirror realizing she has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in and turns the TV news up reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning. Dianna says, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
Anita Gomez’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this is assignment: I used the suggested process of reading from the ending up. I discovered a few plot holes this way. I also teased out some of my conglomerated actions into new, various scenes. Good advice!
Working Title: LIFE CHOICES
1. Read your entire outline and FLAG every scene that has a problem. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
**INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica has made an abortion appointment. She’s confronted by rabid anti-abortion protestors outside. She enters the clinic, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
I identified this in the last pass as a cliché, and reworked it – so now I am adding it back into the outline, fixed.
**INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus the family man, interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and cool, distant way. The home he provides is materially beautiful, but he is detached, deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
I have yet to develop Cyrus’ subplot sufficiently, which include his kids and wife. I know WHAT I want to accomplish, but not HOW (yet).
**INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worrying to each other about her lack of friends and emotional detachment (perhaps a report from school of cruelty).
I need to brainstorm unique and interesting ways that Dianna’s parents can show their concern, not by cliché.
**INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping in the girl’s department – first through infant wear, then toddlers through the teens’ sections. She is sad and pensive, obviously dreaming of brooding about the child she gave away.
This scene is kind of a placeholder for me right now. Again, I need to brainstorm unique and interesting ways to show Danica’s remorse for giving up her child without cliché. So I rewrote this idea as Christmas shopping for her niece.
**INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend is breaking up with her, calling her an ice queen, stone cold bitch, etc. and accusing her of having an abortion of their child without consulting him. Dianna too calmly says that “it’s her body, her choice – and NO ONE leaves her… she does the leaving” and grabs a gun from a dresser drawer. He bolts before she can fire but we see she would actually be capable of cold-blooded murder.
I need to introduce Dianna as having a lover, but without emotional connection in an earlier scene or scenes. Also, I think the gun thing is too on-the-nose and I need a more elegant way to show just how deeply Dianna’s psychosis goes, so when she kills Cyrus it’s been foreshadowed, but still shocks.
**INT. DANICA’S LAW OFFICE – DAY
Her coworkers are enjoying a baby shower for one of their peers. Lots of “Oohing” and “Aahing” over adorable infant clothes, etc. Danica quietly withdraws and closes her door to them.
Exact same problem as Dept store scene above — I need to brainstorm unique and interesting ways to show Danica’s remorse for giving up her child without cliché.
2. Read your entire outline again and flag any scene that can be improved in any way. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
I combined steps 1 & 2 and both “reads” have resulted in the changes now incorporated below.
3. Start with the easiest and improve one at a time, working your way to the more difficult areas.
4. At the conclusion of 48 hours, post your improved outline.
1. Opening Scene:
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Danica is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face revealed yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “7 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Danica is working on a case. A senior partner (Cyrus) comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in crafting this law for the TX legislature. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion).
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – THAT NIGHT
Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer and leaves to the hollow sound of her own lonely footsteps.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state. She drives to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica has made an abortion appointment. She’s confronted by anti-abortion protestors outside singing soft hymns she has heard from her childhood (an echo of the previous church scene). She enters the clinic and finds she can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. Danica blacks out; She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant.
INT. HOSPITAL – LATER
Same nurse brings infant to Danica for nursing. She takes the beautiful baby in an awkward hold. Nurse tells her, “Most moms instinctively cuddle them to their chest on the left so the baby can hear your heartbeat.” Danica: “Not all of us are born mothers”.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
After several hellacious sleepless nights a fraught Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>TEXAS HIGHWAY</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
Giant billboards with Cyrus making politically motivated anti-abortion statements. He is running for a Judgeship. He is seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children surrounding him.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Partners are congratulating Cyrus on his election win as a local Judge. It’s a big win for him and the anti-abortion political action committee that supported him.
5. Mid-Point
INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY
Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new doting parents.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica’s own ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious law firm. She is cold, hard, and driven with a reputation as a ruthless winner of legal cases. “You’re one of the guys now Danica”. As a loner, she rebuffs co-workers celebratory invitations.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Concurrently the biological father’s (Cyrus) story unfolds. Now a Judge, he quickly gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by former partners bringing a case forward about a young girl who is seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak. She brings home an excellent school report but then we see her hugging a kitten until it squeals and goes limp.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus the family man, interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and cool, distant way. The home he provides is materially beautiful, but he is detached, deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, (which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit). He calls his wife and kids to have a celebration dinner, but they are all unavailable.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING
It is his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his driveway near the street. A car passes too close and he bobbles his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
It’s the Homecoming game. Danica walks to the school mascot, a bulldog, and surreptitiously lures it to under the bleachers, feeding it something that causes seizures as she coolly observes.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worried about her lack of friends and emotional detachment because of a report from school of cruelty to the mascot. She tells them not to worry – she really wants to help others, it was only an experiment, and has decided to go into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly of 1 kidney and wants to uncover others with kidney deficiency (which she later discovers includes her biological mother)
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
Dianna graduates college early. She is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics. They want her to study along the lines of “Nurture vs. Nature” with a big Grant.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
We see Dianna displaying the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has. This plays out in her dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the course of her research, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back about it. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and he later is seen as her boyfriend.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping last minute in the girl’s department for her niece – first through infant wear, then toddlers through the teens’ sections. She is sad and pensive, obviously dreaming of brooding about the child she gave away. She admits to the salesperson she has no clue what a young girl needs or wants.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Danica is visiting for Christmas. The family is having a fun and raucous game night (with Danica on the sidelines reading law briefs) – It’s obvious her sister’s family are close. But the sister gets up, hiding from them some serious back pain she’s having.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a DNA kit (“YourHeritage”) as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but laughs it off as she says, “everyone’s doing them now” and he agrees to take the test, joking they might find they are related to royalty.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. They are having sex – it can’t be called making love. She is completely detached and devoid of feeling – nothing more than a biological function for her.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
During this time Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
She has come for another visit and is wistful while playing with her niece and nephew – obviously wondering what it would have been like to be a mom herself. Danica catches a commercial on TV about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – his platform is all anti-abortion and calls women’s bodies ‘host bodies’ – Danica is disgusted. Her sister is disapproving of Danica’s reaction in front of her children.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY
Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this and carelessly tosses it in the garbage.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT
Her boyfriend is getting some aspirin and glances down to see the discarded positive pregnancy test. Dianna comes home and he confronts her. She shrugs and tells him “she already took care of that.”
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend is breaking up with her, calling her an ice queen, stone cold bitch, etc. and accusing her of having an abortion of their child without even consulting him and accusing her of cold-blooded murder. Dianna too calmly says that “it’s her body, her choice – and NO ONE leaves her… she does the leaving” and opens the door saying. “I expect you gone when I come back”, not even slamming the door.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus is having a discussion with political lobbyists about how they want to see <st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state> follow in <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state>’ footsteps with an extreme anti-abortion law, noting he is the best person for the Circuit Court of Appeals position to assist them. He is a puffed-up pompous self-assured man conveniently forgetting his own personal scrape with Danica’s unwanted pregnancy, and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain within his party.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner. She begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica meets with her brother-in-law and niece and nephew but has too many of her own regrets about giving away her own child to be of much solace. Even in her grief she longs for the strong family bond she sees in them, but doesn’t know how to have.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – NEXT DAY
Danica in running gear, finds she does not have the strength to run that day.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online. We are unsure of her motive – is it for a kidney or a relationship? She delves into her online DNA test results.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Concurrently Dianna reads about her Aunt’s death and then delves into her own mother’s DNA health markers and realizes she too is likely to die of kidney disease without a transplant. We see Dianna go to Cyrus’s DNA results on the computer but not what she finds… just a hint of a knowing smile.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
All smiles he announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals, located in New Orleans. She tells him he’ll be moving there himself. She has the results of the family DNA tests and has discovered he has a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna) and will be leaving him.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state of LA and she is tapped to argue against this in trial. She is shaken to learn that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the appointed Circuit Appeals Judge hearing the case.
7. Crisis
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a DNA genetic app (I’ll call ‘YourHeritage’) and various Google / social media searches, finds her. Dianna is a shocking spitting image of her mother.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica can’t concentrate on work. She finally contacts Dianna by email, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. Danica has no idea Dianna already knows who she is.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
The anti-abortionist argument for new legislation includes “sanctity of life” comments, and how they must “protect the unborn” and “what if that little baby is the next president?” // “Even women who have been raped should be inspired because ‘God put them in this moment’, // “Life begins when DNA is created”, etc
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica is preparing for her arguments the next day but flailing, getting bogged down by all the statistics coming out of TX since they passed their “Heartbeat Act” and how it has impacted LA, etc. Her superior calls her out…. “What’s wrong with you?”
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica argues passionately in her presentation stating, “What if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?” // “The state should never be allowed to compel victims of sexual violence to endure further pain and suffering and carry an unwanted child.” // “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… not every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or into poverty…” Cyrus just sits there smirking at her. In her intensely conflicted zealousness Danica collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna receives Danica’s email and suggests they meet early the next morning at Dianna’s prompting, who makes all the arrangements.
8. Climax
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – EARLY MORNING
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway – we recognize him as Cyrus. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
Anita Gomez’s Pass #8: Clichè Busting!
What I learned doing this is assignment: I really like focusing on the 3 criteria you gave us in judging a scene here: 1) Does it fulfill the purpose I meant for the scene?; 2) Is it a SIGNIFICANT departure from a cliché?; and 3) Does it accomplish my purpose in a fresh / surprising / entertaining way? I don’t know if each chosen scene below are cliché… but I am intrigued by the challenge to be: “familiar yet different or “familiar with a twist”
1. First, go through your outline and identify / list any scenes that you’ve seen in another movie or that feel familiar.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica has made an abortion appointment. She’s confronted by rabid anti-abortion protestors outside. She enters the clinic, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus the family man, interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and cool, distant way. The home he provides is materially beautiful, but he is detached, deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worrying to each other about her lack of friends and emotional detachment (perhaps a report from school of cruelty)
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping in the girl’s department – first through infant wear, then toddlers through the teens’ sections. She is sad and pensive, obviously dreaming of brooding about the child she gave away.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend is breaking up with her, calling her an ice queen, stone cold bitch, etc. and accusing her of having an abortion of their child without consulting him. Dianna too calmly says that “it’s her body, her choice – and NO ONE leaves her… she does the leaving” and grabs a gun from a dresser drawer. He bolts before she can fire but we see she would actually be capable of cold-blooded murder.
INT. DANICA’S LAW OFFICE – DAY
Her coworkers are enjoying a baby shower for one of their peers. Lots of “Oohing” and “Aahing” over adorable infant clothes, etc. Danica quietly withdraws and closes her door to them.
2. Select at least one of those scenes for this assignment.
CHOSEN SCENE: Anti-abortion protestors.
3. List the purpose. What are you trying to accomplish?
PURPOSE: Underscore the very personal and emotional angst of this huge decision.
4. Brainstorm 5 to 25 other ways to accomplish that purpose.
A. Maybe she cries all the way to clinic.
B. Maybe she gets to the point of lying on the table; and the next scene is her buying diapers, revealing she couldn’t go through with is
C. Maybe there ARE protestors… but not rabid… maybe singing soft hymns she has heard from her childhood (an echo of the previous church scene)
D. Maybe a nurse comes into the room mistaking her for another patient and starts an ultrasound instead of prepping her for a D&C and Danica hears the heartbeat.
E. Maybe Danica starts “spotting” and thinking she is going to have a miscarriage realizes she doesn’t want the baby to die.
F. Maybe as she drives to the clinic she hears of another abortion clinic getting bombed.
5. Use the three criteria to make your selection.
A. Does it fulfill the purpose/meaning that is important to me?
B. Is it a significant departure from the clichè scene?
C. Does it accomplish the purpose in a fresh and surprising way that will entertain audiences?
I SELECT: Maybe there ARE protestors… but not rabid… maybe singing soft hymns she has heard from her childhood (an echo of the previous church scene) because I want to stick to her core religious upbringing as the final deciding factor in bringing the baby to term, and this is a softer more subtle (and hopefully fresher) take on what could be cliché.
-
Anita Gomez’s PASS #7: Setup/Payoff Chains
What I learned doing this assignment: A bit laborious identifying all the bits I have already built in, but analyzing the reasons behind my choice of scenes is still a good exercise.
1. List ALL of the setup/payoff chains (SP Chains) from your story — One or two sentences per setup/payoff.
SP CHAIN 1: Danica has an unwanted pregnancy – she wants a career.
Setup: Difficult Birth (foreshadows)
Payoff 1: Confronts the father
Payoff 2: Desires Abortion
Payoff 3: She can’t go thru with abortion
Payoff 4: Nearly dies in childbirth
Payoff 5: Abandons Infant
Setup: She moves to another state and becomes a pro-choice lawyer
Payoff: her career takes off
SP CHAIN 2: Danica’ health fails and she needs a kidney transplant.
Setup: Her sister dies from kidney disease
Payoff: She begins searching for Dianna
Setup: A series of scenes where she examine her latent maternal instincts
Payoff: She finds Dianna and they agree to meet
SP CHAIN 3: Cyrus fathers a child out of wedlock putting his family and career (and ultimately his life) in jeopardy.
Setup: Cyrus is a hypocrite asking Danica to have an abortion
Payoff 1: Danica flees the state to do so, but can’t go thru with it
Payoff 2: Cyrus is appointed a Judge based on his anti-abortion stances
Setup: Cyrus’s wife innocently asks him for a DNA test
Payoff: She discovers he has a daughter outside of their marriage and leaves him
Setup: Cyrus is a creature of habit making him vulnerable to an attack by Dianna in her car.
Payoff: Dianna kills Cyrus with her car ensuring his kidney becomes available to her mother who needs a transplant.
SP CHAIN 4: Dianna is born unwanted and abandoned, growing into a psychologically damaged young woman.
Setup: Dianna is thoroughly rejected by her mother
Payoff 1: Her adoptive parents experience a series of disturbing cruelties in Dianna as she grows older
Setup: Dianna graduates and becomes employed in a DNA research lab
Payoff: She discovers who her birth parents are
Setup: She herself gets pregnant and has an abortion without thinking twice
Payoff: This alienates her boyfriend and foreshadows just how detached she is from any emotion
Setup: She agrees to meet with Danica
Payoff: She kills Cyrus, knowing her mother needs a kidney transplant, and Cyrus is a good fit
SP CHAIN 5:
Setup: Danica’s Evangelical sister guilt-trips her, who being a mother of 2 herself, is staunchly pro-life.
Payoff: Danica can’t go thru with an abortion has births Dianna.
Setup: The sister’s family life represents everything Danica rejected when she rejected being a mother
Payoff: At the end Danica realizes what a monster Dianna has become, having killed Cyrus, and she would never have had the family her sister did
2. Select a setup/payoff chain you want to make stronger.
I intend to work on Dianna’s arc.
How can you make the setup more interesting or effective?
I need to show how she finds out the identity of her real parents and that she becomes aware of Danica’s need for a kidney.
How can you make the payoffs more emotional or meaningful?
(Part of the above process)
3. Tell us what difference this has made for your outline and if it hasn’t, find another setup/payoff chain to improve.
I am spending the rest of my time for this assignment actually incorporating the new scenes into my outline.
-
Anita Gomez’s PASS #6 Subplots with Meaning
What I learned: This raised some important questions about both my leads and the supporting characters and helped me flesh out their back-stories and motivations, remembering to keep my beats EMOTIONAL.
1. Identify the subplots that have naturally emerged in your story and tell us the beginning, middle, and end of each, like I did above with the English Bob subplot.
A) Cyrus’s rise in political power:
Beginning: He cheats on his wife and gets Danica pregnant.
Middle: He’s promoted to TX Judge, then Circuit Court Judge, moving him into Danica’s professional sphere again, but with more power
End: His wife leaves him after discovering he fathered a child out of wedlock; and Dianna murders him for his kidney, for her mother to get.
B) Cyrus’ wife & kids:
Beginning: Wife is super-supportive of his ambitions, on campaign trail and in Ads.
Middle: The family does genetic DNA testing (on a lark)
End: His wife leaves him after discovering he fathered a child out of wedlock.
C) Dianna (daughter) – her growing up to do genetic research and adoptive parents:
Beginning: Abandoned as an infant at a Fire Station.
Middle: She grows into a brilliant but twisted young woman, unable to connect with her adoptive parents, or her co-workers, or have any intimacy.
End: She kills her biological father.
D) Danica’s Sister – her family & health issues:
Beginning: She condemns Danica’s desire to abort the unwanted pregnancy, forcing Danica to flee the state.
Middle: Her husband and kids reflect a never-to-be fulfillment that Danica has for a family, underscoring her regrets and life choices.
End: She dies from kidney disease causing Danica to examine her own health issues, putting her on the path to find Dianna.
2. Pick one subplot (or more) you’d like to improve and answer the question, “How can I make this more meaningful or emotional for my lead character?”
Both Danica’s sister and Dianna’s youth (and backstory) could use more input. It raises 2 important questions: (1) How much does Danica regret her decisions to give up her baby?; (2) Is Dianna, the product of 2 flawed narcissists, so psychologically broken that it would be better if she never had been born? Note to self: A & B above are both actually just part of the Cyrus story…. Maybe not subplots, per se.
3. Rewrite the beats of that subplot to add in the new emotion or meaning.
(See incorporated new scenes. below)
4. Add the improvements to your outline.
1. Opening Scene:
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
Danica is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face revealed yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Danica is working on a case. A senior partner (Cyrus) comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in crafting this law for the TX legislature. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion).
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st=”on”>CATHOLIC</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>CHURCH</st1:placetype></st1:place> – THAT NIGHT
Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer and leaves to the hollow sound of her own lonely footsteps.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state. She drives to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica has made an abortion appointment. She’s confronted by rabid anti-abortion protestors outside. She enters the clinic, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. Danica blacks out; She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – LATER
Same nurse brings infant to Danica for nursing. She takes the beautiful baby in an awkward hold. Nurse tells her, “Most moms instinctively cuddle them to their chest on the left so the baby can hear your heartbeat.” Danica: “Not all of us are born mothers”.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
After several hellacious sleepless nights a fraught Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>TEXAS HIGHWAY</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
Giant billboards with Cyrus making politically motivated anti-abortion statements. He is running for a Judgeship. He is seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children surrounding him.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Partners are congratulating Cyrus on his appointment as a Judge. It’s a big win for him and the anti-abortion political action committee that supported him.
5. Mid-Point
INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY
Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new dating parents.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica’s own ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious law firm. She is cold, hard, and driven with a reputation as a ruthless winner of legal cases. As a loner, she rebuffs co-workers celebratory invitations.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Concurrently the biological father’s (Cyrus) story unfolds. Now a Judge he quickly gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by former partners bringing a case forward about a young girl who is seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak. She brings home an excellent school report but then we see her hugging a kitten until it squeals and goes limp.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus the family man, interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and cool, distant way. The home he provides is materially beautiful, but he is detached, deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, (which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit). He calls his wife and kids to have a celebration dinner, but they are all unavailable.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING
It is his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his driveway near the street. A car passes too close and he bobbles his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worrying to each other about her lack of friends and emotional detachment (perhaps a report from school of cruelty)
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
The family is having a fun and raucous game night. It’s obvious they are close. But the sister gets up, hiding from them some serious back pain she’s having.
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
Dianna graduates college early. She is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics. She goes into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly and uncovers others with kidney deficiency, which includes her mother.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
We see Dianna displaying the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has. Perhaps this plays out in her dispassionate dissection of animals in the course of her research, and how she blows off her co-workers and romantic advances.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a “23&Me” type DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but laughs it off as she says, “everyone’s doing them now” and he agrees to take the test, joking they might find they are related to royalty.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
During this time Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
She has come for a visit and is wistful while playing with her niece and nephew – obviously wondering what it would have been like to be a mom herself. Danica catches a commercial on TV about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – she is disgusted.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping in the girl’s department – first through infant wear, then toddlers through the teens’ sections. She is sad and pensive, obviously dreaming of brooding about the child she gave away.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY
Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend is breaking up with her, calling her an ice queen, stone cold bitch, etc. and accusing her of having an abortion of their child without consulting him. Dianna too calmly says that “it’s her body, her choice – and NO ONE leaves her… she does the leaving” and grabs a gun from a dresser drawer. He bolts before she can fire but we see she would actually be capable of cold-blooded murder.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus is having a discussion with other lawmakers about how they want to see <st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state> follow in <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:state></st1:place>’ footsteps with an extreme anti-abortion law, noting he is the best person for the job. He is a puffed-up pompous self-assured man conveniently forgetting his own personal scrape with Danica’s unwanted pregnancy, and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain within his party.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner. She begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure. She meets with her brother-in-law and niece and nephew but has too many of her own regrets about giving away her own child. She longs for the strong family bond she sees in them.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online. We are unsure of her motive,– is it for a kidney or a relationship? She delves into her online DNA test results.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
All smiles he announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Court of Appeals, located in <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:city></st1:place>. She tells him he’ll be moving there himself. She has the results of the family DNA tests and has discovered he has a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna).
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state of LA and she is tapped to argue against this in trial. She learns that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the Circuit Appeals Judge hearing the case.
7. Crisis
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… mot every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or in want – and yet, life IS sacred… isn’t it?” In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app and Google searches, finds her. She contacts Dianna, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. She has no idea Dianna already knows who she is; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet early one morning.
8. Climax
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – EARLY MORNING
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway – we recognize him as Cyrus. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene.
A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
Day 11 (Anita Gomez’s PASS 5) Action / Reaction
What I’ve learned doing this assignment: I think I have confused myself. My story is a Psychological Thriller with twists, so it is not a straight-line piece of logic. So now these questions have me wondering if the Antagonist is not Cyrus but the daughter and the “father” is only a subplot!? My instinct is to continue with my original story line and not get too hung up on fitting this formulaic structure. This assignment has however helped me beef up my Antagonist, and I added new scenes accordingly, in the outline below.
1. Tell us the following:
CONCEPT:
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted, but who becomes her unexpected solution.
Protagonist Goal:
(My Antagonist pushes the Protagonist to change,opposing the Protagonist’s state of being), so – Danica’s career ambitions are thwarted by Cyrus first by getting pregnant by him, and then having to face him as a lawyer to a judge about abortion issues.
Protagonist Character Arc:
What Danica wants: Single life and career
What she needs: human connection
Her old trait: Selfish ambition
Changed to: desirous of connection with her daughter
Main Conflict:
(It needs to build… generating more and more conflict, facing greater forces of antagonism). The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.
2. Create the Action/Reaction Events chart for your story and list it.
3. Make a list of the emotional moments the Protagonist will go through that will cause him or her to face the change they need to make.
These are listed above
4. Place the actions you like from #2 and emotional moments from #3 in your current outline — and list the outline.
1. Opening Scene:
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Danica is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Danica is working on a case. A senior partner comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion).
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Our lead confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state. She drives to <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:place></st1:state> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. Danica blacks out; She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
EXT. TEXAS HIGHWAY – DAY
Giant billboards with Cyrus making politically motivated anti-abortion statements.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Partners are congratulating Cyrus on his appointment as a Judge.
5. Mid-Point
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica’s ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven with a reputation as a ruthless winner of corporate cases. As a loner, she rebuffs co-workers celebratory invitations.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Concurrently the biological father’s (Cyrus) story unfolds. Now a Judge he quickly gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by former partners bringing a case forward about a young girl who is seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – with a cruel streak. She brings home an excellent school report but then we see her hugging a kitten until it squeals and goes limp.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus the family man, interacts with his two preteen kids in a cool distant way. The home he provides is materially beautiful, but he is detached, deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Superior Circuit Court Judge, (which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit). He calls his wife and kids to have a celebration dinner, but they are all unavailable.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a “23&Me” type DNA kit as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING
It is his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his driveway near the street. A car passes too close and he bobbles his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worrying to each other about her lack of friends and emotional detachment.
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
Dianna graduates college early. She is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics. She goes into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly and uncovers others with kidney deficiency, which includes her mother.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
We see Dianna displaying the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, Perhaps this plays out in her dispassionate dissection of animals in the course of her research, and how she blows off her co-workers.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
During this time Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
She has come for a visit and is wistful while playing with her niece and nephew – obviously wondering what it would have been like to be a mom herself. Danica catches a commercial on TV about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – she is disgusted.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping in the girl’s department. First through infant wear, then toddlers through teens sections. She is sad and pensive, obviously dreaming of brooding about the child she gave away.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend is breaking up with her, calling her an ice queen, etc. and accusing her of having an abortion of their child without consulting him. Dianna too calmly says that “it’s her body, her choice – and NO ONE leaves her… she does the leaving” and grabs a gun from a dresser drawer. He bolts before she fires but we see she would actually be capable of cold-blooded murder.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus is having a discussion with other lawmakers about how they want to see <st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state> follow in <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state>’ footsteps with an extreme anti-abortion law, noting he is the best person for the job. He is a puffed-up pompous self-assured man conveniently forgetting his own personal scrape with Danica’s unwanted pregnancy, and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain within his party.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner. She begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure. She meets with her brother-in-law and niece and nephew but has too many of her own regrets about giving away her own child. She longs for the strong family bond she sees in them.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online. We are unsure of her motive,– is it for a kidney or a relationship?
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
All smiles he announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Court of Appeals, located in <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>New Orleans</st1:city></st1:place>. She tells him he’ll be moving there himself. She has the results of the family DNA tests and has discovered he has a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna).
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state and she is tapped to argue against this in trial. She learns that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the Circuit Appeals Judge hearing the case.
7. Crisis
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred… isn’t it?”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. She contacts Dianna, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. She has no idea Dianna already knows who she is; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet.
8. Climax
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – EARLY MORNING
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway – we recognize him as Cyrus. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene.
A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
Anita Gomez’s NQ 3 and 4
What I’ve learned doing this assignment: This clarified the Emotional Dilemma my protagonist is facing.
Apply Necessary Questions 3 and 4 to your outline.
1. Tell us your concept.
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted, but who becomes her unexpected solution.
2. Tell us your Emotional Dilemma and the answers to these questions:
Choice #1 – Abort the child against her family’s religious beliefs and at the father’s request.
Choice #2 – Have the child at great personal health risk and ruin her career plans.
LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Find the abandoned child for selfish health reasons or try and connect with the now-grown brilliant daughter.
Really it is the same ‘coin’: Destroy the child or let it live.
A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?
As an unwanted pregnancy.
B. How are both sides of the issue built up?
First, the father, a staunch anti-abortionist, hypocritically requests Danica have an abortion. But she can’t get one in <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state> because she is over the allowable 6 weeks. Then Danica’s evangelical sister guilt-trips her about how the baby is a precious life and should be allowed to live. Then Danica flees the state to get an abortion. But she can’t go through with it, and has the child, almost dying in the process. She can’t bond with it and abandons the infant. Later, she desires to get to know her grown daughter, but it is revealed that the daughter is a murderer and will never be capable of loving Danica as a mother.
C. When does the protagonist make the choice?
The ultimate moment of decision was in not getting the abortion. Later, Danica decides she wants to meet and connect with the grown daughter rather than only considering her as a kidney donator.
D. What do they lose in making that choice?
Danica loses any chance of connection with her daughter – first by giving it away; then by realizing she has grown into a sociopath.
3. Tell us your Theme and the answers to these questions:
That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy often leads to an unwanted child.
A. What are both sides of your theme?
Side 1: Life is created at conception and should be protected at all costs.
Side 2: A woman’s body is her own and she has every right to choose whether or not to have a child.
B. How will both sides show up throughout your story?
There are interior (ambitions) and exterior (societal) pressures on Danica throughout her journey. Many of these are played out through her legal work and the biological father’s continued presence in the judicial system. But just as importantly we watch the child grow into a brilliant but cold and ruthless human.
C. How does the climax of the story demand your message?
Danica never wanted to be a mother and when she makes an attempt to connect with the child she gave away, she finds the child an emotionally unavailable sociopath that she can never have a relationship with. We wonder: would it have been better if this girl was never born?
In the current version of your outline, fill in the events you’ve discovered during this process. List out your outline as you did in Day 7, with slug lines and the essence for each scene.
1. Opening Scene:
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
Danica is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Danica is working on a case. A senior partner comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion).
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Our lead confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state. She drives to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>New Mexico</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. Danica blacks out; She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Partners are congratulating Cyrus on his appointment as a Judge.
5. Mid-Point
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica’s ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven with a reputation as a ruthless winner of corporate cases. As a loner, she rebuffs co-workers celebratory invitations.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Concurrently the biological father’s (Cyrus) story unfolds. Now a Judge he quickly gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, as noted by former partners bringing a case forward.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus the family man, interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a cool distant way. The home he provides is materially beautiful, but he is detached, deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – with a cruel streak. She brings home an excellent school report but then we see her hugging a kitten until it squeals and goes limp.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Superior Circuit Court Judge, (which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit). He calls his wife and kids to have a celebration dinner, but they are all unavailable.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
It is his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his driveway near the street. A car passes too close and he bobbles his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worrying to each other about her lack of friends and emotional detachment.
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
Dianna graduates college early. She is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics. She goes into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly and uncovers others with kidney deficiency, which includes her mother.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
We see Dianna displaying the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, Perhaps this plays out in her dispassionate dissection of animals in the course of her research, and how she blows off her co-workers.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
During this time Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
She has come for a visit and is wistful while playing with her niece and nephew – obviously wondering what it would have been like to be a mom herself.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping in the girl’s department. First through infant wear, then toddlers through teens sections. She is sad and pensive, obviously dreaming of brooding about the child she gave away.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend is breaking up with her, calling her an ice queen, etc. and accusing her of having an abortion of their child without consulting him. Dianna too calmly says that “it’s her body, her choice – and NO ONE leaves her… she does the leaving” and grabs a gun from a dresser drawer. He bolts before she fires but we see she would actually be capable of cold-blooded murder.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus is having a discussion with other lawmakers about how they want to see <st1:state w:st=”on”>New Mexico</st1:state> follow in <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:state></st1:place>’ footsteps with an extreme anti-abortion law, noting he is the best person for the job. He is a puffed-up pompous self-assured man conveniently forgetting his own personal scrape with Danica’s unwanted pregnancy, and agrees to hear arguments in their case. His motivations are purely for power and political gain within his party.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner. She begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure. She meets with her brother-in-law and niece and nephew but has too many of her own regrets about giving away her own child. She longs for the strong family bond she sees in them.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online. We are unsure of her motive,– is it for a kidney or a relationship?
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state and she is tapped to argue against this in trial. She learns that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the Circuit Appeals Judge hearing the case.
7. Crisis
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred… isn’t it?”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. She contacts Dianna, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. She has no idea Dianna already knows who she is; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet.
8. Climax
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – EARLY MORNING
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway – we recognize him as Cyrus. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene.
A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
Day 9: Anita Gomez’s 3rd Pass — NQ 1 and 2.
What I’ve learned doing this assignment: To stay focused on the main elements driving my story through-out its telling. That is, to be consistent with the motives and personality traits of my characters, and their actions will naturally stay true to the concept, dramatic question, and main conflict.
1. Tell us your Concept:
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted, but who becomes her unexpected solution.
2. Tell us your Dramatic Question and the answers to these questions:
Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term which puts her own life in jeopardy; and later, continue to reject the woman the child has become, or finally embrace her?
A. Where does the Dramatic Question first get established and how?
When Danica confronts Cyrus, the biological father, who wants her to have an abortion.
B. How is the Dramatic Question increased in intensity?
When Danica can’t go through with an abortion, and has the child, nearly dying while giving birth. Then Danica gives the child away; finding out years later the daughter could save her life.
C. Where does the Dramatic Question finally get answered?
When Danica has the child, and then meets her as a young woman.
3. Tell us your Main Conflict and the answers to these questions:
The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.
A. When does the Main Conflict first show up?
When her sister dies and Danica is faced with her own health crisis.
B. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story?
Danica’s professional ambitions collide with her inner conflicts over abortion rights.
Danica must seek out her estranged daughter for a life-saving transplant.
Her daughter becomes a genetic researcher who discovers the true identity of her biological parents
C. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3rd Act?
Danica realizes she has feelings for her daughter and can’t go through with her plans to deprive the young woman of her life to save her own.
D. How is the Main Conflict resolved?
Twist: The daughter kills the father, saving her mother with his kidney as a transplant.
4. In the current version of your outline, fill in the events you’ve discovered during this process. List out your outline as you did in Day 7.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
Dramatic Triangle
Danica is a woman with an unwanted pregnancy, and at health risk, who can’t access an abortion because of the state she lives in.
Cyrus is the biological father, Danica’s superior at work — an influential conservative lawyer-turned-judge, who was instrumental in forming the anti-abortion law and yet because he is married with his own kids, he wants Danica to have an abortion to save his reputation.
The baby (Dianna) is adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman doing medical genetic research, but becomes an even colder, emotionally detached version of her mother, so much so she kills the father so her mother gets his kidney.
Plot / STRUCTURE:
Dramatic Triangle with Plot #12: “TRANSFORMATION” — A woman who abandoned her baby at birth seeks her out as a grown woman, initially as a transplant donor, but discovering along the way that she actually wants a relationship with her daughter, who herself has grown into a cold loner with abandonment issues.
1. Opening Scene:
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
Danica is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Danica is working on a case. A senior partner comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion)
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Our lead confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her she’ll grow to love the child.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state. She drives to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>New Mexico</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. Danica blacks out; She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
5. Mid-Point
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica’s ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Concurrently the biological father’s (Cyrus) story unfolds. He is appointed a Judge and then Superior Circuit Court Judge putting him once again in Danica’s professional orbit. We also see him as a family man, with time passing as his own children grow.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – with a cruel streak. We see her hugging a kitten until it squeals and goes limp.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
It is his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his driveway near the street. A car passes too close and he bobbles his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna graduates college early. She is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics. She goes into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly and uncovers others with kidney deficiency, which includes her mother.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
We see Dianna displaying the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, Perhaps this plays out in her dispassionate dissection of animals in the course of her research, and how she blows off her co-workers. During this time Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping in the girl’s department. First through infant wear, then toddlers through teens. She is sad and pensive, obviously dreaming of brooding about the child she gave away.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend is breaking up with her, calling her an ice queen, etc. and accusing her of having an abortion of their child without consulting him. Dianna too calmly says that “it’s her body, her choice – and NO ONE leaves her… she does the leaving” and grabs a gun from a dresser drawer. He bolts before she fires but we see she was capable of cold-blooded murder.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus is having a discussion with other lawmakers about how they want to see <st1:state w:st=”on”>New Mexico</st1:state> follow in <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:state></st1:place>’ footsteps with an extreme anti-abortion law, noting he is the best person for the job. He is a puffed-up pompous self-assured man conveniently forgetting his own personal scrape with Danica’s unwanted pregnancy, and agrees to hear arguments in their case. His motivations are purely for power and political gain within his party.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner. She begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure. She meets with her brother-in-law and nieces and nephew but has too many of her own regrets about giving away her own child for any real connection. She wishes for the strong family bond she sees in them.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online. We are unsure of her motive, as is she – is it for a kidney or a relationship?
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state and she is tapped to argue against this in trial. She learns that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the Circuit Appeals Judge hearing the case.
7. Crisis
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. She contacts Diane, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. She has no idea Dianna already knows who she is; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet.
8. Climax
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – EARLY MORNING
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway – we recognize him as Cyrus. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene.
A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Diane walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Diane turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Diane turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
Subject: (Anita Gomez) SLW Version 2
1. KEY COMPONENTS:
A. CONCEPT:
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.
B. Plot CHOICE:
Plot #12 — “TRANSFORMATION”
C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE:
Dramatic Triangle: A woman who abandoned her baby at birth seeks her out as a grown woman, initially as a transplant donor, but discovering along the way that she actually wants a relationship with her daughter, who herself has grown into a cold loner with abandonment issues.
D. LEAD CHARACTERS:
Danica is a woman with an unwanted pregnancy, and at health risk, who can’t access an abortion because of the state she lives in.
Cyrus is the biological father, Danica’s superior at work — an influential conservative lawyer-turned-judge, who was instrumental in forming the anti-abortion law and yet because he is married with kids, he wants Danica to have an abortion to save his reputation.
The baby (Dianna) is adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman doing medical genetic research, but becomes an even colder, emotionally detached version of her mother, so much so she kills the father so her mother gets his kidney.
E. Dramatic Question:
Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term which puts her own life in jeopardy?
F. Main Conflict:
The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.
G. Dilemma:
Choice #1 – Abort the child against her religious beliefs
Choice #2 – Have the child at great personal risk
LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Give the child away / Find the child for selfish reasons.
H. Theme:
That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy often leads to an unwanted child.
I. Character Arc of Lead Character:
Danica doesn’t want a child, but faced with her own mortality she desires to meet her brilliant daughter for who she is, not what she can do; only to find out her daughter has turned into the emotionally cold woman she herself once was.
OUTLINE
1. Opening Scene:
My Protagonist is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
Our lead (Danica) is in high-end law offices after hours. She is a junior attorney, strong and ambitious, working on a case. A senior partner (Cyrus) comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion)
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Danica confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her she’ll grow to love the child. The woman flees the state. She makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. The woman in labor blacks out; we now see her as our lead character. She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant. Her sister’s words haunting her, the new mother is unable to bond with her newborn and abandons her at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note: “Her name is Dianna” (an unconscious act of narcissism)
5. Mid-Point
We follow Danica as her ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven, and a compulsive marathon runner… who over, time, begins to show signs of minor health issues like fatigue and loss of stamina. Concurrently, the former senior partner / biological father of her child, Cyrus, continues to be promoted – first to judge, then as Circuit Court judge, putting him once again in Danica’s professional orbit, and who is still spearheading anti-abortion legislation for political reasons. Meanwhile the now-adopted baby has grown into a brilliant young woman, who at the age of 20 has graduated college and become a genetics researcher. (We see the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, exemplified by her pathological inability to connect with boyfriends or co-workers.) Then, the Protagonist’s sister dies from kidney failure. Our lead sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told her best chance for survival is a close relative and so, begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
In the course of her work Danica must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state where she now lives and she is tapped to argue against this (taking a pro-abortion stance). She learns that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the Circuit Appeals Judge (notorious for continuously obstructing abortion rights) who will be hearing the case.
7. Crisis
Danica argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically. The woman goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. Dianna has gone into genetic research prompted by her own anatomical anomaly and uncovers others with kidney deficiency, which includes her mother. Danica contacts Dianna, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet. We, the audience, are unsure of either woman’s motives.
8. Climax
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. It is, once again, our protagonist but current day. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
Hi All,
I invite any and all critiques. Thanks!
-Anita
-
-
Subject: (Anita Gomez) SLW Version 1
ASSIGNMENT: Post your Story Logic Web for feedback.
1. KEY COMPONENTS:
A. CONCEPT:
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.
B. Plot CHOICE:
Plot #12 — “TRANSFORMATION”
C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE:
Dramatic Triangle: A woman who abandoned her baby at birth seeks her out as a grown woman, initially as a transplant donor, but discovering along the way that she actually wants a relationship with her daughter, who herself has grown into a cold loner with abandonment issues.
D. LEAD CHARACTERS:
Danica is a woman with an unwanted pregnancy who can’t access an abortion because of the state she lives in. The father, Cyrus, is her superior at work, an influential conservative lawyer-turned-judge, who was instrumental in forming the anti-abortion law. The baby (Dianna) is adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman doing medical genetic research, but becomes an even colder, emotionally detached version of her mother, so much so she kills the father so her mother gets his kidney.
E. Dramatic Question:
To abort or carry out a pregnancy for a single woman who doesn’t want the child and whose life is put in jeopardy by the pregnancy.
F. Main Conflict:
The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.
G. Dilemma:
Choice #1 – Abort the child against her religious beliefs
Choice #2 – Have the child at great personal risk
LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Give the child away / Find the child for selfish reasons.
H. Theme:
That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy often leads to an unwanted child.
I. Character Arc of Lead Character:
Danica doesn’t want a child, but faced with her own mortality she desires to meet her brilliant daughter for who she is, not what she can do; only to find out her daughter has turned into the emotionally cold woman she herself once was.
OUTLINE
1. Opening Scene:
My Protagonist is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
Our lead is in high-end law offices after hours. She is a junior attorney, strong and ambitious, working on a case. A senior partner (Cyrus) comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion)
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Our lead confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her she’ll grow to love the child. The woman flees the state. She makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. The woman in labor blacks out; we now see her as our lead character. She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant. Her sister’s words haunting her, the new mother is unable to bond with her newborn and abandons her at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note: “Her name is Dianna” (an unconscious act of narcissism)
5. Mid-Point
We follow our protagonist as her ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven, and a compulsive marathon runner… who over, time, begins to show signs of minor health issues like fatigue and loss of stamina. Concurrently, the former senior partner / biological father of her child, Cyrus, continues to be promoted – first to judge, then as Circuit Court judge, putting him once again in Danica’s professional orbit. Meanwhile the now-adopted baby has grown into a brilliant young woman, who at the age of 20 has graduated college and become a genetics researcher. (We see the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, exemplified by her pathological inability to connect with boyfriends or co-workers.) Then, the Protagonist’s sister dies from kidney failure. Our lead sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told her best chance for survival is a close relative and so, begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
In the course of her work she must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state where she now lives and she is tapped to argue against this (taking a pro-abortion stance). She learns that the father of her abandoned child will be the Circuit Appeals Judge (notorious for continuously obstructing abortion rights) who will be hearing the case.
7. Crisis
She argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically. The woman goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. She contacts Dianna, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet. We, the audience, are unsure of her motives.
8. Climax
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. It is, once again, our protagonist but current day. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
PS81 Day 8 – Anita Gomez’s PASS TWO Story Logic Web
What I learned: Each time I think about my story structure I learn more about beefing up the second and third characters in this dramatic triangle – not only fleshing out their characters, but how they need to interact with each other. (I’ve also landed on the names for my characters).
CONCEPT:
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.
LEAD CHARACTERS:
Protagonist: Danica: A woman with an unwanted pregnancy who can’t access an abortion because of the state she lives in.
Antagonist: The father, Cyrus, is her superior at work, an influential conservative lawyer-turned-judge, who was instrumental in forming the anti-abortion law.
Dramatic Triangle, Lead #3: The baby (Dianna) is adopted and grows into a brilliant young woman doing medical genetic research, but becomes an even colder, emotionally detached version of her mother.
Plot / STRUCTURE:
Dramatic Triangle with Plot #12: “TRANSFORMATION” — A woman who abandoned her baby at birth seeks her out as a grown woman, initially as a transplant donor, but discovering along the way that she actually wants a relationship with her daughter, who herself has grown into a cold loner with abandonment issues.
1. Opening Scene:
My Protagonist is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
Our lead is in high-end law offices after hours. She is a junior attorney, strong and ambitious, working on a case. A senior partner (Cyrus) comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion)
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Our lead confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her she’ll grow to love the child. The woman flees the state. She makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. The woman in labor blacks out; we now see her as our lead character. She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant. Her sister’s words haunting her, the new mother is unable to bond with her newborn and abandons her at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note: “Her name is Dianna” (an unconscious act of narcissism)
5. Mid-Point
We follow our protagonist as her ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven, and a compulsive marathon runner… who over, time, begins to show signs of minor health issues like fatigue and loss of stamina. Concurrently, the former senior partner / biological father of her child, Cyrus, continues to be promoted – first to judge, then as Circuit Court judge, putting him once again in Danica’s professional orbit. Meanwhile the now-adopted baby has grown into a brilliant young woman, who at the age of 20 has graduated college and become a genetics researcher. (We see the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, exemplified by her pathological inability to connect with boyfriends or co-workers.) Then, the Protagonist’s sister dies from kidney failure. Our lead sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told her best chance for survival is a close relative and so, begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
In the course of her work she must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state where she now lives and she is tapped to argue against this (taking a pro-abortion stance). She learns that the father of her abandoned child will be the Circuit Appeals Judge (notorious for continuously obstructing abortion rights) who will be hearing the case.
7. Crisis
She argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically. The woman goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. She contacts Dianna, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet. We, the audience, are unsure of her motives.
8. Climax
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. It is, once again, our protagonist but current day. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
CHARACTER ARC:
Danica doesn’t want a child, but faced with her own mortality she desires to meet her brilliant daughter for who she is, not what she can do; only to find out her daughter has turned into the emotionally cold woman she herself once was.
MAIN CONFLICT:
The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.
DRAMATIC QUESTION:
To abort or carry out a pregnancy for a single woman who doesn’t want the child and whose life is put in jeopardy by the pregnancy.
DILEMMA:
Choice #1 – Abort the child against her religious beliefs
Choice #2 – Have the child at great personal risk
LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Give the child away / Find the child for selfish reasons.
THEME:
That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy often leads to an unwanted child.
3. DISCOVERIES AND IMPROVEMENTS: I needed to beef up the second and third characters (Dianna and Cyrus) in this dramatic triangle – not only fleshing out their characters, but how they need to interact with each other. My main character Danica, now shows greater growth, from selfish and driven, to an attitude of sacrifice. Her daughter Dianna is now not only a shadow of her mother – she has become something much worse – a sociopath capable of a cold-hearted murder. The final twist isn’t Danica receiving her daughter’s kidney, but the daughter killing the father so his kidney gets transplanted into the mother.
4. AFTER: Well, I rewrote as I went, and the above is my first and then second pass, combined.
-
PS81 Day 7: Anita Gomez’s 1<sup>st</sup> Pass
What I learned: I found this assignment laborious. What will the outline eventually look like? I don’t think it will include the “PLOT IN STRUCTURE” bit, so I found “#5” confusing here. I suppose this is just far from my usual approach to writing, and now that I know what I want to write, I just want to get on with it. One woman’s honest answer.
1. LOGLINE:
A woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later the child is her only hope for a life-saving transplant — leading her to search for the daughter she never wanted.
2. Plot Choice and Summary of Plot:
Dramatic Triangle with “TRANSFORMATION” Plot — A woman who abandoned her baby at birth seeks her out as a grown woman, initially as a transplant donor, but discovering along the way that she actually wants a relationship with her daughter, who herself has grown into a cold loner with abandonment issues.
3. 9 BEATS OF STRUCTURE:
1. Opening Scene:
My Protagonist is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
Our lead is in high-end law offices after hours. She is a junior attorney, strong and ambitious, working on a case. A senior partner comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion)
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Our lead confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her she’ll grow to love the child. The woman flees the state. She makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. The woman in labor blacks out; we now see her as our lead character. She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant. Her sister’s words haunting her, the new mother is unable to bond with her newborn and abandons her at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Diane”.
5. Mid-Point
We follow our protagonist as her ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven, and a compulsive marathon runner… who over, time, begins to show signs of minor health issues like fatigue and loss of stamina. Concurrently, the former senior partner / biological father of her child, continues to be promoted – first to judge, then as Circuit Court judge, putting him once again in the woman’s professional orbit. Meanwhile the now-adopted baby has grown into a brilliant young woman, who at the age of 20 has graduated college and become a genetics researcher. (We see the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, exemplified by her pathological inability to connect with boyfriends or co-workers.) Then, the Protagonist’s sister dies from kidney failure. Our lead sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told her best chance for survival is a close relative and so, begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
In the course of her work she must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state and she is tapped to argue against this (taking a pro-abortion stance) in a preparatory mock trial. She learns that the father of her abandoned child will be the Circuit Appeals Judge (notorious for continuously obstructing abortion rights) who will be hearing the case.
7. Crisis
She argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically. The woman goes on a concentrated search for Diane, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. She contacts Diane, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet. We, the audience, are unsure of her motives.
8. Climax
Diane gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. It is, once again, our protagonist but current day. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain she gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Diane walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Diane turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Diane turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
4. PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC:
Part to be changed: She doesn’t want a child.
Biggest fear: Dying from kidney failure.
Completion of arc: Desires to meet her brilliant daughter for who she is, not what she can do.
5. PLOT IN STRUCTURE:
Opening Scene:
Danica is in the throes of childbirth. It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Danica is working on a case. A senior partner comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion)
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME
Our lead confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her she’ll grow to love the child.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state. She drives to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>New Mexico</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more relaxed.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
<st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:placename w:st=”on”>INT.</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st=”on”>HOSPITAL</st1:placetype></st1:place> – NIGHT
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. Danica blacks out; She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica’s ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Concurrently the biological father’s (Cyrus) story unfolds. He is appointed a Judge and then Superior Circuit Court Judge putting him once again in Danica’s professional orbit. We also see him as a family man, with time passing as his children grow.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna graduates college early. She is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
We see Dianna displaying the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, exemplified by her pathological inability to connect with boyfriends or co-workers.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner. She begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure. She can’t bring herself to meet with her nieces and nephew even in their grief.
Second turning point at end of Act 2
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told her best chance for survival is a close relative.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state and she is tapped to argue against this in trial. She learns that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the Circuit Appeals Judge hearing the case.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. She contacts Diane, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>SUBURBAN STREET</st1:address></st1:street> – EARLY MORNING
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Diane walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Diane turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Diane turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
-
PS81 Anita Gomez’s Favorite Movie (Sixth Sense) Outline
5. What I learned doing this assignment is: How to be concise in giving the outline of a story.
4. Above the outline, tell us the answers to these questions:
Dramatic Question: Can a Child Psychologist redeem a past failure?
Main Conflict: Does a Child Psychologist believe this child actually sees ghosts?
Dilemma: How to help this child, who is so like the man who shot him.
Theme: Is the Paranormal real?
3. Make an outline:
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Woman in basement selecting wine gets creeped out.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT, CONTINUOUS
Wife meets husband to celebrate an award in child psychology. She is proud of him.
INT. BEDROOM – CONT.
They go up to the bedroom and find broken window. Intruder is a former patient (Vincent) and shoots Dr. Malcolm and then himself.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA ROW HOUSES – DAY
The doctor (Malcolm) is outside Cole’s house, who comes out and runs away as the doctor pursues and Cole disappears into a church.
INT. CHURCH – DAY
Cole is praying in Latin and the doctor introduces himself. There are obvious clues that Cole is an odd troubled kid.
INT. DR. MALCOLM’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Malcolm comes home and his wife is asleep. He tries the basement door which is locked but then he goes down and researches his Latin translating Cole’s prayer: “Out of the depths I cry to you oh Lord”
INT. COLE’S KITCHEN – DAY
Mom gets coal his breakfast and finds all the cabinet doors open freaking her out.
EXT. ST. ANTHONY’S ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY
Cole hesitates going into Saint Anthony’s school… old building.
INT. COLE’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Dr. Malcolm is listening as Cole and his mom connect. Malcolm tries to connect with Cole but finds it difficult although we learn more about his troubled mind.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Dr. Malcolm meets up with his wife Annie, late for their anniversary and she is not speaking to him as he one-sidedly tries to puzzle-out this new child client. She pays the bill and leaves.
EXT. STREET – DAY
Walking on street Cole tells the doctor he’s a freak. Dr. Disagrees.
INT. COLE’S HOUSE – DAY
Mom studies pictures of Cole and notices there’s always a strange light nearby him.
INT. COLE’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Dr. Malcolm continues to try and connect with Cole and mom finds Cole’s “automatic writing” talking about killing etc. Cole tells the doctor “I don’t want to be scared anymore“
INT. BASEMENT – DAY
Malcolm hears a man asking his wife out.
INT.SCHOOL – DAY
Cole has a breakdown in the classroom when the teacher does not believe he knows the history of the school building and the teacher calls him a freak.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY
Dr. Malcolm sits with a miserable Cole trying to cheer him up with a magic trick.
INT. MALCOLM’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The doctor comes home and sees his wedding video playing and reinforcing the love he and his wife shared. He notices his wife is on antidepressants. He goes to the basement door and it is locked again.
INT. HOUSE – DAY
Kid’s birthday party where Cole tries out the magic trick and bombs. He follows a balloon upstairs and hears a disembodied voice from a small door. Two mean kids shove him in and Cole freaks out. His mom rushes to free him and finds Cole is unconscious.
INT. PEDIATRICIAN’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Mom is told by the pediatrician Cole is fine and to go home. She is suspected of child abuse.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Dr. Malcolm visits Cole in the hospital where he opens up to Cole and so Cole finally opens up to the doctor. “I see dead people — but they don’t know they’re dead”
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
Doc talks into his recorder saying he doesn’t believe Cole.
INT. COLE’S BEDROOM – LATER
Mom sees a large cut in his clothes and then his skin. Cole wakes up and needs the bathroom but is obviously afraid and the temperature goes cold as he senses a presence and finds a dead woman in the kitchen and runs to his fort in his room as a safe space.
INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY
Dr. Malcolm watches a school play and Cole sees three dead people hanging by nooses in the building. “Please make them leave“.
INT. COLE’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
It’s very cold in the house and the mom accuses Cole of taking her bee pendant which he denies but she doesn’t believe him. Cole sees another dead person in his room, this time a boy. But he still won’t tell his mom anything.
INT. ANTIQUE STORE – DAY
Anna tells customer she believes things like a ring can be infused with the essence of previous owner. Then Anna gives a coworker a gift and just as they get close the glass door shatters and we see Malcolm striding away in anger outside.
INT. COLE’S HOUSE – DAY
Malcolm tries to stop seeing Cole but Cole says “don’t give up on me”.
INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The doctor revisits Vincent’s old sessions and hears similarities with Cole and realizes the recording has picked up paranormal activity.
INT.CHURCH – DAY
Malcolm finds Cole and says now he believes him. Dr Malcolm suggests the way to not be afraid is to help these ghosts, even if they seem scary.
INT. COLE’S ROOM – NIGHT
After being awakened by his mother’s nightmare he feels icy cold and runs back to his bedroom fort and sees a dead girl. He finally gets brave enough and asks “do you want to tell me something“.
EXT. CITY – DAY
Call takes a bus with Dr. Malcolm to a suburban funeral – a wake for the little girl Cole saw
INT. GIRL’S ROOM – DAY
Cole enters the dead girl’s room. The dead girl gives him a small wooden box which he gives to the father and inside is a VHS tape that reveals the mother has been poisoning the child’s food.
INT. SCHOOL THEATER – DAY
Cole is making peace with another dead person in the theater green room about to be in a play and has the part of King Arthur. He’s like a regular kid now and as Dr. Malcolm watches he realizes Cole is better. They say their goodbyes.
EXT. CITY STREET – SAME DAY
Cars are lined up because of an accident. Cole sees the dead accident victim and admits this to his mother and then relays information about her mother that makes his mom believe Cole.
INT. MALCOLM’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Malcolm sees Anna asleep in front of their wedding video. They have a conversation while she sleeps and his wedding ring drops from her hand and he sees it is not on his finger as we hear Cole’s words as a voiceover: “I see dead people“. Malcolm realizes HE is dead — bringing him back to the moment of being shot. He tells Anna “I think I can go now.” END.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by
-
PS 81 Anita Gomez’s Basic Structure!
What I learned doing this assignment: I had already sketched out a preliminary “Beat Sheet” in my own fashion. Applying this structure allowed me to smooth out some of the flow, and to add an additional twist I had not previously considered.
LOGLINE:
A woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later the child is her only hope for a life-saving transplant — leading her to search for the daughter she never wanted.
1. Opening Scene:
My Protagonist is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “9 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
Our lead is in high-end law offices after hours. She is a junior attorney, strong and ambitious, working on a case. A senior partner comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in passing this law. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion)
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
Our lead confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her she’ll grow to love the child. The woman flees the state. She makes an abortion appointment, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. The woman in labor blacks out; we now see her as our lead character. She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant. Her sister’s words haunting her, the new mother is unable to bond with her newborn and abandons her at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Diane”.
5. Mid-Point
We follow our protagonist as her ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the legal ladder. She is cold, hard, and driven, and a compulsive marathon runner… who over, time, begins to show signs of minor health issues like fatigue and loss of stamina. Concurrently, the former senior partner / biological father of her child, continues to be promoted – first to judge, then as Circuit Court judge, putting him once again in the woman’s professional orbit. Meanwhile the now-adopted baby has grown into a brilliant young woman, who at the age of 20 has graduated college and become a genetics researcher. (We see the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has, exemplified by her pathological inability to connect with boyfriends or co-workers.) Then, the Protagonist’s sister dies from kidney failure. Our lead sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told her best chance for survival is a close relative and so, begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
In the course of her work she must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state and she is tapped to argue against this (taking a pro-abortion stance) in a preparatory mock trial. She learns that the father of her abandoned child will be the Circuit Appeals Judge (notorious for continuously obstructing abortion rights) who will be hearing the case.
7. Crisis
She argues passionately in her presentation stating, “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… and yet, life IS sacred”. In her intensely conflicted zealousness she collapses – both mentally and physically. The woman goes on a concentrated search for Diane, the daughter, and using a “23&Me” type genetic app, finds her. She contacts Diane, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’; and in the course of email exchanges, the two women agree to meet. We, the audience, are unsure of her motives.
8. Climax
Diane gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. It is, once again, our protagonist but current day. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain she gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Diane walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Diane turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Diane turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
END.
-
PS 81 Anita Gomez’s NECESSARY QUESTIONS
What I learned: a much more structured approach to my story outline.
CONCEPT:
A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.
DRAMATIC QUESTION:
To abort or carry out a pregnancy for a single woman who doesn’t want the child and whose life is put in jeopardy by the pregnancy.
MAIN CONFLICT:
The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.
DILEMMA:
Choice #1 – Abort the child against her religious beliefs
Choice #2 – Have the child at great personal risk
LATER, the Dilemma morphs into: Give the child away / Find the child for selfish reasons.
THEME:
That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy. That an unwanted pregnancy often leads to an unwanted child.
-
PS 81 Anita Gomez Dramatic Plots 2
What I learned doing this assignment: This exercise had me looking more deeply at the characters that orbit my main character, and gave me some interesting ideas for plot twists.
ORIGINAL CONCEPT:
A woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later the child is her only hope for a life-saving transplant — leading her to search for the daughter she never wanted.
Plot #12 “TRANSFORMATION”
A woman who abandoned her baby at birth seeks her out as a grown woman, initially as a transplant donor, but discovering along the way that she actually wants a relationship with her daughter, who herself has grown into a cold loner with abandonment issues.
Plot #19 “ASCENSION”
A woman who once considered aborting her baby now seeks that adopted daughter for medical reasons — realizing she now loves her grown daughter for who she has become.
I believe the “Transformation” plot line gives me the best chance of writing all the deep and nuanced feelings that can emerge from some pretty heartbreaking circumstances. Looking at it this way has also inspired some plot twists that involve the biological father and his complicated role in how these tough decisions came down; as well as the emotional fall-out of the daughter, now grown.
-
PS 81 Anita Gomez Dramatic Plots 1
What I learned doing this assignment: It certainly made me think about the motivations behind my character’s actions.
Plot #1 “QUEST”
In its most simplistic core this story is about a woman who must seek out her now-grown abandoned daughter for a life-saving kidney transplant. But this would be not only a rather gruesome, even evil “quest” it would leave no room for character change or growth. I have already moved past this thin through-line and reject it as my main (or only) plot line. Certainly her search for her daughter is important, but it will take on a much more layered meaning and emotional weight as she gets closer to finding her.
Plot #10 “TEMPTATION”
Certainly the moral implications and dilemma of a young ambitious single woman faced with an unwanted pregnancy would put her in a position of being tempted to have an abortion. Add to that the unfortunate circumstance that she lives in a state that disallows abortion, under any circumstance, and she is forced to flee her home to seek out her remedy. Yet, faced with the ultimate decision of a now later-term abortion, the woman can’t go through with the procedure, even though carrying to full-term puts he own life in danger. The internal struggle is monumental and she decides to have the child, nearly dying in the process. Her disassociation with either the father or the baby leads her to the third dilemma – abandoning the child to a ‘safe haven’ rather than face the protracted agonies associated with adoption.
-
<div>Anita Gomez’s Character Structure</div><div>
</div>
What I learned in this assignment: Brevity of character structure description.
1. List your concept.
A woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later the child is her only hope for a life-saving transplant — leading her to search for the daughter she never wanted.
2. Tell us the Character Structure you choose for your story.
(#4) Dramatic Triangle
3. Give us one sentence on each of your lead characters.
A woman with an unwanted pregnancy can’t access an abortion because of the state she lives in.
The father is her superior at work, an influential conservative judge, who was instrumental in forming the anti-abortion law.
The baby is adopted out-of-state and grows into a brilliant young woman doing medical research.
4. In one or two paragraphs, tell us how you see the character structure playing out in your story.
This “Dramatic Triangle” focuses first on the pregnant woman trapped by circumstantial laws. One of the major ironies of the story is that the father is one of the framers of the law forcing the live birth, which nearly kills the woman. We meet her daughter much later, as a young woman herself, who is sought out by the mother only as a solution to her own failing health. Both the mother and the daughter were each only born with one kidney. A transplant would sacrifice the daughter she never loved. The ultimate twist to this psychological thriller is that the actual donor becomes the father who meets with an accident.
-
Anita’s Introduction
Hi all,
After some tech challenges, I will try to re-introduce myself.
Anita Gomez.
I’ve written 7 scripts, one currently optioned at Hallmark.
I used to work in TV, years ago in the news biz, and later mainly by producing mini-docs and several feature documentaries and doing post-production work.
I am determined 2022 will be the year I sell one of my spec scripts and trust the PROSERIES helps turn that key.
I moved from LA to So Oregon years ago and have worked on many local projects (films, commercials, and client web pieces). Now it’s time for my own work to get out into the world!
I look forward to working with you all.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by
-
Here are some of my observations from today’s teleconference: set aside old habits and maintain an attitude of learning; celebrate other people’s successes; do the assignments; participate fully; use “The East Way”; elevate the quality of what I might already know; don’t be a movie critic… look for the good a film has to offer; keep self-judgement out of my first draft; I can get more out of giving feedback than receiving it.
Thank you!
-Anita Gomez
-
I agree to the terms of the release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
-
Thanks Anna!
Finally figured it all out!
-
Aach ! I too am in the dark about where to find this recording!
In the weeds here.
Is there a link someone can post?
-Anita
-
Thanks June! Super helpful notes. Working on another draft of the letter, and still playing catch-up on other assignments. (This module is a bit overwhelming for me!)
You’re right to call out that I am pitching Danica’s search which is not the highlight of the script. That said, I have been beefing up Danica’s angst over trying to connect with her estranged daughter, so my current draft is somewhat different than your reading.
I will nip and tuck and repost. Onward!
-Anita
-
Okay.. found your V.3 and my notes are up there under it. 🙂
-
Thanks June!
Looking for your V.3 now.
My synopsis is longer than Hal suggests. I am having a hard time trimming it down further.
Would love any suggestions along those lines!
-Anita
-
Hi June,
As always, a pleasure to read the words you put to paper. I haven’t read other’s critiques, so forgive me if anything is redundant. I only have 4 notes.
1) first line, I would add the word “written” – as in: written for the boomer gen.
2) Typo in the sentence: In jail he’s beaten (to) almost to death.
3) I know from reading (and loving your script) that Roy is punny with his words. You do it twice here. I think the first time works, but without the benefit of knowing Roy I find the Mis CALCUlation a tripping hazard.
4) Your BIO graph that begins, “My film broadcast on PBS….” What film? Has this one been produced?? See the confusion –
I hope this helps a smidge. I think your query letter is dynamic and should get many “hits”!
All the best,
-Anita
-
Hi Kate,
I am just now getting to this module of assignments and laughed out loud reading your comments about needing therapy from this effort. I think writers by nature are solitary creatures (at least in my experience) and your comments about needing courage and a reset of mind set resonate with me!
-Anita
-
Thanks Anna!
You have given me a few key pieces of food for thought.
I find it an interesting dynamic when writing with some mystery in mind of how much to reveal to the viewer or hold them by the hand, and how much to keep from them – leaving them to wonder.
I think my tendency is to reveal bits as I go. But I always want to be a clear communicator! Kind of a balancing act.
Because others have been confused if Cyrus was in fact paying for sex in the teaser scene, I think I am just going to cut it and start with Danica’s difficult birth.
I appreciate your encouraging words!
Best,
Anita
-
Hi June,
Thanks so much for your notes!
As to the first teaser scene, I wrote it to show Cyrus is a real “player” – because he is with a woman who is Not his wife, and who is NOT Danica. I tried to make that obvious by mentioning different hair color and body types. But I see now that it is confusing to the reader who might not pick up on these nuances…. And answers your questions about the scene (why don’t we see her face; why no dialogue; why so impersonal, etc). Yes. It was anonymous sex for hire.
My main concern with making Cyrus SUCH a jerk right out of the gate is the (partial) redemption at the end when he helps Danica get a kidney doesn’t play as well, because we hate him so much.
So – I think I have my answer, and will likely remove that first bit…. Starting with the difficult birth, as I always planned (which also takes away any confusion about the ‘SEVEN MONTHS EARLIER” graphic.
After all, the story is about Danica and her life choices, not Cyrus. (Glad you like the title)
Thanks for the read!
Best,
Anita
-
For June:
Let me say – A pleasure to read, and I think you hit all the earmarks set before us as basic structure requirements for opening pages. As always, I enjoy your turns of phrase like Roy being able to “charm a frown off a church lady”. Roy, in particular is such a well-developed character.
So – starting with him and Joe in disembodied V.O. over black leaves me wanting more. I would love to see young, un-scarred Roy with his buddy on-screen. Actually SEEING them would cause the contrast of his later battle-scarred self to be that much more impactful.
The entire set-up of Roy at the abandoned house is a perfect back-drop for your character.
And then we get to the jail. I remember reading this scene before, and I have the same reaction now as I did then: Why?
I don’t think we will see these wretched characters again in your story, do we? So why introduce them? (Or why subject me, the reader, to your all too colorful bodily fluid descriptions?) What is the purpose of this scene? Is it to show the ‘caring’ side of Roy as he tries to help Tyrone. If so, you don’t need all the gross to do this. If your motivation for Roy is to get himself thrown in the hospital where food and ‘housing’ are better – then just have him crash into the Piggly Wiggley so that he gets injured. Just saying that I find it all too much of a distraction from your characters and their stories.
You do a marvelous job of introducing me to Roy and later, Kim. You describe them deliciously. But you give me nothing when introducing Suzy. Age? Physical attributes? Interior motivators? Back-story?
The pages hook me. I want more!
I hope my feedback is helpful to you in some way.
Best!
-Anita
-
Hi Anna,
Here are my thoughts for your opening pages:
The set-up with the teen, Bill, is very intense and certainly gets our attention! (You might want to reference him as a teen up-front so we know who we are ‘seeing’ slumped in the alley). And because it is so intense, when we get to the beach scene I feel a disconnect, which could be clarified for me by either (1) Have a GRAPHIC before the beach that states something like: “THREE MONTHS EARLIER” – if in fact the alley happens later…. -OR- I think Sophie needs to reference it specifically. For instance, saying, “I was really moved by witnessing Bill’s overdose” or something that reconnects us back to that event.
I believe you set up both your main characters really well and we get a full sense of who they are and what they think they want from life, and that these are very different things. So well done there!
There is definite mystery surrounding James and his will and how Pirate factors into all that, so I definitely want to know more, and all of those references propel me forward, for sure.
Here’s one really small note: For those of us who are non-Brits and don’t know the show ‘Coronation Street’ perhaps Sophie can call it boring (or whatever adjective is true) so we have context!
I’m assuming that the Inciting Incident is Sophie’s decision to move out to the farm without Sandy, which sets us on the whole adventure. Unless you consider that your twist? So your pages do seem to meet the criteria of opening; twist (inheriting the dog); inciting incident; and we know what the story’s about – more or less…. only because we certainly don’t know of Pirate’s healing super powers yet. Perhaps there’s a way to show that on the beach?
Maybe Pirate helps flip a stranded crab back to rights? Or pulls a toddler from on oncoming wave before it can be tumbled? Or some other pointer to the dog’s special gifts?
Hope some of these thoughts help!
Cheers!
Anita
-
Hi Anna!
Yes, please! I would love a critique from you. As I just mentioned to June, I am unsure if I want to keep the first “teaser” bit which shows Cyrus to be a total jerk.
Thanks for feedback!
I am reading yours this afternoon also.
-Anita
-
Hi June,
Please do!
And in particular I would love to know your thoughts on the very first “teaser” scene, which I just added. It sets Cyrus up as a player, having sex with neither his wife nor Danica.
Prior, I started with the difficult birth. On the fence about which works better!
Thanks! Reading yours this afternoon.
-Anita
-
Excellent feedback June – thanks! And thanks for the kind words.
The protective Marshalls tip is a good one.
And I love the possible additions to Harley, especially something like, “look mom, I’ve grown up just like you // or want to be you” …. I will noodle on this.
I’ve never written a psychologically twisted character before, and weirdly, found it to be fun! They live outside of norms and give us unexpected places to go.
I also think you’re right about the following:
Can you build more subtext into Cyrus’ line, “None of this is right?”
I think of my 3 characters, Cyrus has been neglected. I intend to revisit him in my next pass.
I look forward to reading your last 10 pages!
Best regards,
Anita
-
Thanks Dana for the insights about legal recusal and using it as another foil between my characters. I do love adding a bit where Cyrus recognizes Danica’s name on the upcoming case roster and (corruptly) doesn’t speak up, because he secretly wants “to get a shot at her”. Then, when Dani actually gets in front of him to argue is where I have her collapsing, at her career moment’s zenith – because of both kidney failure and the extra stress of going toe to toe with Cyrus.
Thanks for the extra wisdom!
-Anita
-
Hi Anna,
I didn’t realize you were writing a trilogy! Ambitious, and good on you!
I recall several previous scenes about Dylan and Alfie. I Enjoyed the interaction with the dog in those.
Here we have Pilate, but I don’t get enough of him. You say he is a healing and magical animal. So where was he when Sophie finds the boy in the alley?
I enjoy Sophie’s “voice”. She sounds gritty and determined and yet upbeat with a good heart. My kind of gal! In particular I liked this dialogue, which expresses the thematic soul of the story:
SOPHIE Yes, not just falling into another routine of selfish indulgence,
preoccupied with the small things, instead of making the world a better
place, I want to do the big things. You know, before we croak and on go on a permanent vacay!As to an overall ending – this seems very unresolved to me. I guess I want more.
It will be interesting to see how you continue to develop this trilogy. I assume the third dog (Cocoa?) will have different ‘powers’? And will each be a stand-alone story? Or does one flow into the next?
I look forward to more!
Best,
Anita
-
Hi Michael,
Cameron, Dana and June have all provided such insightful critiques, that I am not sure I can add anything else useful, except perhaps to underscore a few of the points they have already made.
The villain’s arc is always interesting – how can a person go from an innocent kid to destroying the whole world? Waldo starting off as “altruistic” to “doing environment crimes” is quite the leap, and an even further leap to creating the ultimate Weapon of Mass Destruction.
The journey is broad and a bit difficult for me to swallow because at the end he still has enough seeming desire to “help the earth” as to convince his lady-love to help him into space. Maybe the middle part of the journey is more about his feelings of rejection (both at the personal and global levels) rather than him deploying environmental crimes? In other words, it seems his through-line should be consistent – wanting to help the earth. Until he loses all hope and ultimately destroys it (and himself) in the process.
Last technical observation: I had the same thought as June –
How is the space station, which orbits the Earth, to survive at all?
Sci-fi is great fun because we can bend the perimeters of our existing reality, as long as it is always plausible.
Overall a very ambitious effort and I wish you all the best with it!
-Anita
-
Hi Dana,
Okay. Wow. It’s all so believable. Keeps me on the edge of my seat and flows really well.
And then I get to the end. Read it several times, and even made myself a ‘cheat sheet’ of the various personalities.
I want it to be this awesome twist – but I keep getting confused.
I think the point of confusion lies here: Ryan and Jason reference each other multiple times and via other sub-personalities (Bobby and William). Also, Ellen KNEW Jason/William intimately. She isn’t going to be fooled. So Jason has to be the one who gets killed.
HOWEVER – ‘Jason’ at the hospital under hold / aka Randy Armstrong / aka Jason Petrie can not possibly be the Jason who was on the phone with Ellen and dies.
What have I got wrong?
If the Dr says “his” Jason (aka Randy Armstrong aka Jason Petrie) was released just today – AFTER they find Sorenson’s Jason dead – then voila’ I can wrap my head around THAT. Because THEN we CAN have 2 people (but not if he was held in the hospital during the call) and the 2nd psycho is now on the loose…. and maybe he is even the first caller’s (Jason’s)TWIN BROTHER who ALSO has DID!
Boom! This – my brain can work with.
I too have a complicated ending. But I don’t want to leave my audience scratching their heads. Hope this helps!
Best,
-Anita
-
Hi Dana,
Read your post. Funny – you chose the same name for the SF Dr as I chose for my Protagonist’s Sr law partner – Robert Green! Must have been in the wind.
Want to trade critiques?
Anita
-
Hi June,
I really appreciate reading your outline summary. It has answered questions for me I had along the way from reading a few of your scenes. Good to fill in the gaps!
It reads like a real romp. I know your dialogue is a hoot, and will keep it all moving.
There are admittedly quite a number of characters to keep track of. Just for the sake of simplicity perhaps Kim’s brother and sister-in-law could be wrapped into just one person? Don’t know. Maybe Brian and Ingrid play off each other too well? It just seems that maybe if she only had one antagonist it streamlines a bit?
I’ve always liked the vet / PTSD dynamics that you’ve built into Roy.
When you have Kim leave Roy (the last time) it seems like such a bummer. But then, because of this I really love your last lines:
Roy. Are you going to keep running away?
Kim. Maybe. As long as you promise to follow.
Overall it feels like Roy is a very well developed character. Kim’s personality and motives leave me with a few more questions. That said – I obviously haven’t read your whole script! But I can’t wait to do just that.
If you can, I’d love your take on my last scene, and how you see which of the 3 options for ending it plays for you.
Best regards,
Anita
-
Hi Anna,
Thanks very much for the encouraging words!
I too, believe this is an extremely important topic! I hope it finds a producer who can bring it into the world.
To answer your questions:
– Genetic kits (like 23&me) not only give you info about your health and ancestry, but also who you are related to (if they are in the database) and offers ways to connect with those people if both parties are interested. I have a scene earlier where Cyrus’ wife hands out these kits as Christmas gifts and later, when the results come back, she finds out Cyrus has another child outside of their marriage. This is also the lab that Harley gets employed at and why she has access to her biological parents medical info. (An interesting aside, there are many stories in the news about long-lost siblings finding each other, and even crimes solved from this DNA sharing tool.)
The last line from Danica harkens back to her initial struggle: Do I abort a child against my own religious beliefs; or give birth to an unwanted child? Obviously, when faced with the monster that Harley has become she regrets her decision.
I’ll be happy to give your a read!
Best,
Anita
-
I plan on getting to this tomorrow! -Thanks for your critique. I commented about that, above. -Anita
-
Thanks Dana for your thoughtful input.
I think you “get” what I am attempting. I chose the subject for the very reason that it is so topical for Americans in this moment. And I hope I can find a producer with the guts to tackle the subject in the multi-faceted manner I have (hopefully) presented it.
Your note about Cyrus not being able to sit as a judge would ring true, but is circumvented by the fact that his was in an illicit affair with Dani 20 years ago (unknown to others and not spouses) and I also have a scene where Dani reveals her past history to her boss and he still encourages her to use her anger and passion about that in court.
Okay! Now I have to fold all this wonderful feedback back into the story!
Thanks again,
Anita
-
Thanks Michael for your very thoughtful feedback.
I am somewhat conflicted on how to actually wrap my story up. As mentioned, I want it to be meaningful, but not over-written.
Several of your questions are answered earlier in the script (for instance, we get lots of foreshadowing about Danica’s health crisis). And Harley is a complicated character. I certainly wasn’t aiming for tear-jerker… but more shock.
So, lots to process!
I want to read your post and give it my full attention but am running out the door for the night. Please look for my analysis tomorrow.
Best,
Anita
-
Thanks Cameron for your thoughtful feedback. Many of the plot points you suggest are (hopefully) woven into my script leading up to this third act.
I had to look up the film, IT FOLLOWS, as I was unaware of it. You are right to peg the genre as something other than a drama. It is written as a psychological thriller (but not horror). At its core my intent is to have the audience look at the concept of abortion through a prism – from the viewpoints of many – of the unwitting biological parents, to the unwanted child, to the adoptive parents who love this child, and the sister, a church-going mom appalled at the idea of abortion at all costs. It is undeniably a topic fraught with emotion. And that is why I chose to write about it. That, and it is of course in the forefront of today’s headlines.
Interesting to me that several people have wanted more of a reconciliation with the mother-daughter. This suggests a hopefulness that I don’t give voice to, as it is not in character for either Dani or Harley. That is, until Dani, faced with her mortality, reaches out to Harley.
As an aside, to explain some of these dynamics – both mother and daughter were born with the genetic deficiency of having only one kidney. And when Dani reaches out to Harley it is with the internal conflict of her personal motivations – to reconnect? Or to get a kidney? (which would mean the death of Harley!)
It’s all a bit twisted – which brings me to the one place we don’t see redemption coming from – and that is a selfless act from narcissistic Cyrus. Harley is meant to stand in for the age-old question of nature vs nurture? It is her genetics that bake in or hard-wire her cruel selfishness.
I see I have to beef up my SETUP to express more! Thanks for helping me see this!
Best,
Anita
-
Sure Cameron, that’d be great!
-Anita
-
Hi Lisa,
It was so helpful to read your setup and really understand the flow of your story. We’ve all been writing piece-meal and I wasn’t always following the story line.
It seems you have a real handle on how you want this story to come together. The only line that didn’t compute for me was Mary telling Joseph, “well you are the richest man in town”. Was she teasing? Being ironic? I think I need insight into why she says this. With having turned him down so often before, her response doesn’t communicate any great love here, so it leaves me feeling sad rather than happy for them as a couple. Does this make sense?
Anyway, hope this is helpful!
-Anita
-
Thanks Lisa!
Sometimes it’s easy to lose objectivity. That’s one of the great things about getting feedback from others in this class!
Best,
Anita
-
Thanks for your notes Dana. It’s gratifying to know that what I hoped to convey actually comes through. Yes, this family is indeed in a hell of their own making… prioritizing appearances over true family bonds, Cyrus only uses his wife and kids as props when it suits his career. Harley (the illegitimate daughter) is truly twisted and I wanted this scene to echo some others with her in them. And it has been fun to write these characters – mostly because they are pretty far afield from my usual suspects.
Thanks for the reminder to add appropriate slug lines!
I know I want to go back through so many previously written scenes now to tweak the dialogue. This was a good module for me.
All the best,
Anita
-
Wow Dana! Gripping. Chilling.
I know you said you plan to interject other scenes (police, etc) and that will break up the redundancy in the way it reads right now, so I look forward to reading that version.
I don’t know if we’ve heard from William’s character before this. If so, that might give me more insight. Right now he feels very one note (fearful). But there’s obviously pain and anger there too. Perhaps other word choices in his response other than “I can’t” can give us more of his ‘backstory’ or thought process. Obviously he tried to commit suicide before. So perhaps him talking about how much it hurt or some other anguished description that makes him reject / recoil from the act now? Did he wind up in a hospital? Was there physical pain he had to heal from? Does he feel shame or remorse from his act and that’s the hurdle Ellen is trying to surmount?
As far as Ellen – what a conundrum you have painted for her! The only line that I have a comment about is here:
WILLIAM
How…?
ELLEN
You know how? You know how?
I believe it reads stronger and more appropriate to what she is trying to get him to do by just making that declarative statements instead of questions.
Considering what I just read is pretty much dialogue only, and not action, and you are able to convey all the raw emotion befitting such an intense circumstance – I’d say your dialogue skills are hitting on all cylinders!
Well done, you!
-Anita
-
Hi Dana,
I’ve only had the chance to do one critique, so I would be happy to take a run at this for you. It will be mid day tomorrow whe I have some time.
Feel free to take a look at my scene too, or not – whatever suits your timeline.
Thanks,
Anita
-
Thanks June!
All good food for thought. There are other scenes about Cyrus and his family that hopefully flesh out some of these dynamics for the viewer.
Basically he uses them as props, and ultimately Karen leaves him.
I appreciate your input and will factor it in when I take another run at this!
Best,
Anita
-
Hey June,
I always enjoy you’re writing. I think you have a real handle on Roy’s voice in particular. He’s so full of character. For instance, I love the line, “You are the breeze to my napalmed heart.” It says so much about both his past and his present in a very clever way. The description he gives of his Nam experience feels very real, gritty, and immediate. One of the things that made me smile is Kim and Roy in their “skivvies”. It was a term my dad (former Navy) used, but I don’t remember ever reading the phrase anywhere.
As to Kim – she is the master at coverup and deception and you keep her in character with those traits. Her evasion techniques are well defined.
Since this assignment was meant to focus on dialogue, Suzy feels a bit flat to me. For example, her first line: “yes, please” could be beefier – making her sound more desperate to get out of pet sitting and really pushing Kim into an emotional corner. (BTW, I wasn’t sure it was Suzy pushing Marilyn’s wheelchair, so maybe just add that small fact to your set-up).
If Suzy’s last line “that’s not right” was more present tense: “this isn’t right” I think it works to sound even more accusatory, to push Roy to come clean with Marilyn.
Last thought: When Marilyn discovers the medal and then Roy divulges his story, you might want to try some contrasting dialogue from Marilyn when she’s trying to dissuade him from talking about his experience – which might heighten the terrible tragedy of Roy’s story (EX: Marilyn protests and jumps up for some OJ or some other ‘normal’ activity that she tries to interject to veer away from the difficult story he’s telling… like it’s hard for her to handle hearing it.
Final thought – the dogs eating the hot sauce laden food provides a great foil to lighten things back up!
Hope some of this is helpful.
Well done!
-Anita
-
Hi June,
Would you like to trade critiques?
– Anita
-
Hi Dana,
I too, am late to the dance. Ah, but Life happens…
I like all the nuances you have built into your scene. And you set the table very clearly for what comes next – “THE Caller”. So, 2 things puzzled me: 1) you set up the scene saying this was 5 minutes after the caller shot himself ?? and 2) Claire’s last line probably should read: “we only NEED one caller (not needed), as in anticipating what will / might happen, next yes?
I also enjoyed your turn of phrase “smoking like a pro”. And is it ironic that Claire mentions keeping her weight down, because I read that as ironic, meaning she must really be overweight. Also liked the injection of humor when the station manager mentions Ellen ‘already having had her coffee’.
The conversation between the owner and manager seemed a bit on the nose. But in this moment I truly have no suggestion on how you could change anything, because I do realize the need to impart basic info to us.
The human qualities associated with the scene lull us into a relatable sense of normalcy before all hell breaks loose. So, bravo you.
-Anita
-
Hi Michael,
I enjoyed the read. I haven’t read any of your other scenes prior to this, so not sure of all the relationship dynamics, but can certainly infer them from this one scene, which indicates to me you have done a good job of establishing your characters up until now. It’s also a great one for the assignment!
You certainly imply consequences; you create suspense and uncertainty (What will happen to Tarek!?); I find it has emotional punch; and the biggest hook for me is Brooklyn’s painting and the images being evoked.
One places that might beef up the emotional tone would be to let us in on Tyler’s reaction. He’s obviously upset to see his dad in pain… does he cry? does he run from the room?
When Brandon comes running you write the phrase, “the pitter-patter sound of footsteps”. That phrase connotes a young child walking cutely. Perhaps just say – the patter of… OR – the rapid sound.
Two very very small things would be: 1) to delete the sentence “sets the emergency brake”. It’s unnecessary and slows the action down – literally we put the brake on mentally there. 2) When Brooklyn is on the phone, don’t have her say “Good”. That takes away our suspense if he’s ok… let the reader continue to wonder until we see Tarek for ourselves.
I have a few technical notes. They come from having my own work analyzed over the years. The first is to not put in any transitionals – that is, leave out all the “CUT TO”. Unless it is essential for the effect or pacing like: SMASH CUT TO: Which brings me to the following bit –
CLOSE ON SWEAT dripping off Tarek’s forehead. ECU on a DROPLET and as it falls to the floor…
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. BROOKLYN’S STUDIO – CONTINUOUSWater DRIPS off the end of Brooklyn’s sable brush as she dilutes one of the paints on her palette.
– I get why you wrote it this way. But perhaps just writing, “sweat drips off Tarek’s forehead”. would suffice. Otherwise, transitions aren’t needed and only slow the reader down. That said, if this was a shooting script, or you were the Director, those notes are fine. Otherwise, selling a spec script means the producers and director need the creative space to interpret your scenes, and they don’t want to be told how to do it or where to place the camera, etc.
Last note is – you do not want to put quotes around your dialogue. If this were a novel, that’s obviously needed. But the structure of a screenplay means dialogue is always written under the character’s name leaving no doubt those are the words to be spoken.
I hope you find this feedback helpful. You definitely hooked me into wanting to read more of your script! And it appears you have been playing “catch up” with the class, and writing at a speedy pace – so kudos to you for the effort, and for getting caught up!
Best,
Anita
-
Hi Michael,
Sure. I am tied up for about another hour, and I have somewhat revised my scene based on Dana and June’s notes… so will post a V.2. Please read and critique that version. And then I’ll have time time to read your post too.
Thanks!
Anita
-
Hi June!
Love the way you write your characters.
Question – does this pool scene replace the one where she was swimming and some random guy hit on her?
You certainly imply consequences with Kim; and imply hopelessness with Roy. And Roy is presented with an opportunity at just the right moment to have us anticipating what his next move will be. To me, both characters scream “uncertainty” and so you tick the boxes for suspense with hooks.
I also really like the way you describe the supporting characters: “one vibrant muscle of a girl” and “a woman barracuda”. Even the two hotel maids kvetching over bad tips is so relatable.
There were 2 lines though that slowed me down in my read.
1) When Kim mentions “Fogo de Chaio’s”, my brain was wondering if this is a swank restaurant I should know, and then the following line “that heifer was worth it” felt like an inside joke I wasn’t in on. Maybe just a straight, “those calories were worth it”? I know you’re writing Kim as a bit goofy, but – just saying that turn of phrase felt odd so it was one place I tripped.
2) Suzy says “the villagers are already whining”…. I assume there are several places before this that show Roy as an integral part of the hospital ward, and this refers to them knowing he’s leaving, and they are sad about it? See, if you have to explain it to me, you loose me (unless of course you set this line up previously)
Those are my only 2 observations. Again, I think you do an excellent job of capturing your characters on paper. Thanks for the read!
And thanks for your critique of my scene. A couple of points really rang some bells for me. Time for another version!
Best,
Anita
-
Hi June,
Want to exchange feedback?
-Anita
-
Great feedback Dana, thanks.
It’s so useful having someone else’s eyes on what I am so steeped in already.
The fact that Danica is stunned speechless when confronted with the reality of her daughter does take away a key element for me to play with (i.e. Danica’s verbal reaction) – but as a lawyer, she isn’t usually at a loss for words (ha!) and it felt right to me.
I am glad to hear that Harley comes across as heartless as she is the ultimate (negative) product of her 2 flawed parents.
The audience has heretofore been privy to so much more info than Danica. We know it is Harley’s car that kills her biological father. And Harley, working at a genetic DNA lab had access to knowing about Danica and Cyrus; while Danica had not met Harley prior to that moment… only cat and mouse games via email that Harley controlled.
Hopefully, once the script is finished I can finesse all of that within the story prior to this scene.
Ironically I chose the last scene of the film, and yet it was a ‘Page Turner’ assignment. 🙂
-
Feedback for Dana from Anita:
Wow! You definitely hit the urgent stride the scene calls for. It feels intense and it feels real. A really good scene to employ the skills from this module. Anticipation, uncertainty, hooks, suspense, and emotion – check, check and check.
I think the only piece I could use more of as a reader is describing the physical location (or Vivid Visual Description) where Phil is. Of course, you may already have done so previously… what kind of a precinct is this? Urban? Small town? How large a force is he barking orders to, etc. Do the people listening to Phil’s orders have a reaction? Shock? Efficiency? Fear? Do they drop everything else… is the team a well-oiled machine or is it chaotic in there?, etc.
Totally minor point… I saw a typo but now this response box is covering it and I forget what it was (Ha!) I think it was “location / locations” (?)
Anyway – job well done, you have me turning the page.
-
Hi Dana,
Want to exchange feedback?
-Anita
-
Great. I only have the one version posted… right above June’s.
-
Hi June,
Thanks once again for the excellent feedback. I will be taking another pass at this in a few days…going out of town to visit my daughter. So marinating this a bit will help me come back at it with fresh eyes.
To answer one question – I needed Dani to collapse not because she couldn’t cope with facing Cyrus, but her kidney failure has gotten critical, making the need for a transplant immediate, or she dies.
Cheers,
Anita
-
Hi Anna,
Just read your post and enjoyed it. I think you set up Sarah’s tension and conflicts well and I certainly want to know how she gets past her dilemma. I just had three quick thoughts:
1) I am personally not a a fan of “split screens” because I think it takes us out of the cinematic experience. Perhaps you can write the 3-way conversation between Sarah and her mom and dad by cutting between them. I think the resulting individual slug-lines would be helpful in sorting out how you need to describe their backgrounds, etc. as it could give you a more dynamic setting for at least one of the parents… like maybe placing dad at his office or country club? – Whatever environment might tell us more about each of them without having to spell it out to us.
2) You mentioned this is a much darker version of a previous draft. It definitely goes dark at the end with suicidal ideation. Do you really need to show that deep a despair? Is there another way a dedicated single mom could portrait stress without going that far?
3) You wrote: “I will get a bit from unemployment, pogey you know” Is ‘pogey’ a UK reference? Perhaps an achronym for something?
That’s it! Hope these random thoughts are useful. Again, I enjoyed your writing, especially getting to know Sarah.
Regards,
-Anita
-
Hi June,
I think you checked almost all the boxes for using dramatic devises – especially creating tension, set-ups and pay-offs, and giving the scene(s) a future – because obviously I want to know more about your characters and what happens to them after reading this. Also, both the hospital and the courtroom are perfect closed environments for creating a crucible.
I like your straight-forward writing style. Your descriptions are almost sparse, but colorful and precise, and certainly get the job done. But because the pace is brisk I found myself with one or two questions and then needed to refer back to the top. I don’t think you want your readers needing to backtrack to follow. So here are a few minor observations:
The following slug line confused me. I think this is EXT only? Outside of a cabin?
INT./EXT. MARILYN’S CAR & CLIFFSIDE CABIN – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
The reference to 2 stolen cars confused me, but I assume this would be clear if I were able to read everything prior to this scene? I would find out: Did Kim also (previously) steal Suzy’s car? And if so, when did Suzy’s car get returned?
I think I was confused because Kim was routing thru Marilyn’s car (which I assume is a second car, because Marilyn is at her townhouse – elsewhere – when she takes a fall?) but then we see Kim is driving Marilyn’s car when she parks across from the theater. Did she steal it when she was rifling through the glove box? Guess you needed to spell that out for me.
Also – Kim must have stolen the gorgeous bathing suit in a prior scene?
<st1:place w:st=”on”>Tara</st1:place> seems to be just a kind nurse in the osteo unit – but is there something else I should know about her? Should it be Tara who wheels <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>Roy</st1:city></st1:place> from the courtroom?
Overall, I really love your characters. I think I am just noting that you might have to lead me (the reader) a bit more by the hand so I don’t get confused… and as always, reading scenes out of context is difficult, because the info I require has probably already been previously provided in the story.
Bottom line? You hooked me. Job well done!
Best,
Anita
-
Hi June,
I see you have already done a couple of critiques, and may not be available for more. But you gave some great feedback to me before and I was hoping you might read my courtroom scene below. If you’d like input from me on yours, let me know!
Thanks,
Anita
-
Great! Just a quick note. This scene is the big climax in my movie. We’ve been dancing around the abortion issue and never address it so directly as here. I know it feels dense but it is the first time Judge Cyrus and Danica have seen each other in 20 years, and it’s in this courtroom. Anyway, hope that sets the table for you!
-
Hi Alice!
I went back to read your introductory profile. And so I must say that you deserve many accolades for writing in English – not an easy task when it is not your native language!
Any comments about grammar or idiom aside, in reading your scene (which was really a string of smaller scenes) there is action which moves us along, but as a reader I don’t know to what end. That is, your characters don’t reveal their background, motives, or intent. I am not sure who they are yet or how they are related. It does leave me with a feeling of mystery like you are building toward something happening. So in that sense, you have built in the drama and therefore I do look forward to finding out what happens next. But if you could give me more context about who these people are and why they are doing what they are doing that would be helpful. For instance, is this an espionage movie? If so, when your character feels compelled to go back to the office just to open a file can you explain why it is so critical to be read? Tell me how they are FEELING about the actions.
These are just a few random thoughts that I hope you find useful in some way.
Best regards,
Anita
-
Hi June,
I wholeheartedly agree with you about the scene in the Principal’s office. It is definitely first draft stuff. I hope to post a V.2 today. To address a couple of your other thoughts – The thing about writing scenes out of order is the reader does not have the benefit of knowing what came before. The story spans 20 years beginning with Dianna’s mother considering an abortion. This set-up happens in Act 2 after watching Dianna as a young girl commits increasingly cruel acts (starting small with frying ants under a magnifying glass, etc) and building to the dog poisoning … all leading to her later having her own abortion and then ultimately murdering her biological father in the next to last scene. Her character arc is dark (to say the least) and does not progress as ‘growth’… but degenerates as she goes from bad to worse. Dianna is the 3rd piece of a dramatic triangle and in some ways SHE is the shadowy antagonist to her mother. I’ve never written a sociopathic character before. I do think I have been able to craft SHOWING rather than TELLING of her mental illness prior to this scene in the HS office. This is where it comes to a head, but also where we leave the adoptive parents behind and she moves off to college, etc. Obviously with such a pivotal moment, there is more polishing for me to do! Thanks for taking the time to read it and give feedback! If you have time later today to check out my Version 2, that’d be great.
Best,
Anita
-
Hi Kate,
I felt I needed to “sleep on” my latest version before posting, and will do so shortly. Thanks for following through in looking for it!
I also just read your latest version, and previously you asked me the following questions: “What lost you in the jail scene? Do
the scenes convey that it was Roy’s plan to go there? Does the scene
convey that Roy is teaching the kid how not to be/aka drugs? Does the
scene communicate that Roy changes his plan and now thinks being in a
hospital is a better retirement idea? Thanks so much for your thoughts
and good luck with your work. June”You lost me because I am distracted with too much over-the-top grossness. I think if you only had the PUKEFACE guy it would be enough to set the stage and deliver what you want – i.e. Roy acting as a protector to Tyrone, and getting beat up so he can land in the hospital. Everyone / everything else seems a distraction. I also have a personal aversion to barf scenes, so there’s that 😉
I don’t think the scene conveys that Roy is trying to teach the kid anything about drugs one way or another. I do think it was clear in the previous car crash scene that Roy was looking to land in jail via ‘housing by cop’, and that his plan changes to get out of jail and land in the hospital.
I’m sure the following scenes will further us on Roy’s journey, who has already gone from bad to worse to the bottom. It will be interesting to see where he goes from there!
-
Hi June!
I am still finishing my own work up and have not posted to this forum yet. But was reading your post (you hooked me in!) and Cameron’s notes on it, and just wanted to chime in with a hearty “I second!” Fun character, snappy actions…. and…. you lost me in the jail cell. I know this isn’t in-depth feedback, just commenting on the fly. Looking forward to reading more!
-Anita
-
Hi Dana.
Just read your V.2 and really like it! I have not read anyone else’s feedback to you so my apologies if anything is redundant. First, I love the crux of your story as stated here: “William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she continues with tears running,
torturing herself as she sacrifices her humanity to save her daughters.” This is both dark and intriguing – exploring not only the caller’s psyche, but Ellen’s as well…. and totally believable in the aftermath of her husband’s murder.I only got confused with the final twist. Was Ryan one of the original calls? Were he and the multi-personality caller in this together or not? Did they call in at different times? If this was playing out where I could hear the difference in voices perhaps I would not have gotten confused.
It has been forever since I saw the flick, “Play Misty for Me” with Clint Eastwood (1971) so I don’t remember the specifics, but what I DO remember is the emotional chill it communicated to me. I think your story has that capacity. If you haven’t watched it, you may want to.
And if you have the time, I’d love some feedback from you on my outline, above, V.2 of “Life Choices”.
Thanks and bravo on your story!
-Anita
-
Thanks Kate!
I really appreciate the feedback! You ask some great questions, and the benefit to me is that I felt these were inherent in my outline, and because they were not obvious enough, it means I have more work to do clarifying my story.
To answer here: My main desire is to lay out in as complete and fair a way as possible all the various aspects to deciding on the termination of a life. And so I chose a dramatic triangle to give me the full spectrum of perspectives (father, mother, child).
I agree that the over-arching theme is broad. Yes, it can be about love. But I think it’s important for me to get even more specific: it’s about choosing life or death. Love (or the lack of it) certainly plays into that… but not always. Some people choose abortion for convenience sake, with little emotional attachment. For others, the decision is one of lifelong angst and a haunting memory.
Your questions around the daughter (Dianna) informs me that I need to round out her character. You questioned her access to information, and motives. Regular DNA tests (like 23&Me) do already actually inform you if you have a close relative – like a sister or even child (if they too are in the database). I also placed her in a Genetic Lab so she could access even more info than most… and a way to find her biological parents.
As to why and how Dianna kills Cyrus – I want this to be the final twist, that (hopefully) no one seems coming, so I don’t want to give too much away up front. I do show him a creature of habit (getting the paper) I think I need to show Dianna cruising past his house at least once to establish she knows his home address. So thanks for that!
Her only motive is really revealed at the end when she simply sees him as an organ donor and nothing more. Danica chose to give her life but Cyrus has been a public figure, and seen as a hypocritical jerk. And because Dianna is truly a sociopath, without emotion about killing (as seen in previous places – as a child hurting a kitten; as a teen poisoning the school mascot; and as a professional doing lab experiments on animals) her decision is not driven by emotion at all… hopefully leaving the audience with one of my ultimate questions: Should every child be born? The hypothetical is always, “What if they are the next Einstein?” I want to flip that on its head and ask, “What if they are the next Ted Bundy?”
So to reiterate – because you had these questions and I needed to clarify things for you, this means I need to spend more time building these answers more clearly into my story! Thanks again!
-Anita
-
Hi Michael,
Thanks for this! Several of your points really have me examining my plot flow. Interesting to me that you inserted a husband character into Danica’s life. I intend to keep her single — a reflection of her inability to make intimate human connection (which I hope to exaggerate as a trait in the daughter, enabling her biological father’s ‘accidental’ death at the end).
Having her daughter getting pregnant at the end also intrigues me, and may bring many pieces of the various abortion argument together.
I did initially consider the Quest as the Character Structure. But in playing this out I found the need to beef up the biological father’s point of view — he also does not want the child but comes at it from a different, much more selfish angle, and speaks to the hypocrisy behind many people’s stances on the issue. How’s that for a justification? 🙂
Good thoughts, all. I will take another running pass at this, along with Antonio’s input.
-Anita
-
Thank you Antonio!
Excellent feedback. I particularly like the broader version of the theme that you gave. I looked up “Amores Perros and Babel”, which I was unfamiliar with, and liked what the description of the film depicted as: “love, regret, and life’s harsh realities”.
Both of these thoughts will help keep me focused on the higher concepts behind the details of my story as I do a rewrite.
Gracious,
Anita
-
Hi Michael,
I like your V2 better… it’s tighter. Only comment… does the villain really blast Earth to pieces? Is there another option for a Resolution? Maybe I’m just a sucker for an ending where the bad guy gets his.
I like your comment style. Feel free to take a crack at my V2 if you have time.
Thanks!
Anita Gomez
-
Hi Anna,
I think your Concept was difficult to follow as written, because there is so much packed into one basically run-on sentence. Can you simplify it to a kind of ‘formula’… Like X must do Y to accomplish Z. For instance: A young boy must learn to speak again after the loss of his mother, with the help of a mystical dog. I’m not saying this is the correct sentence, just a challenge to find the essence of your story.
Christmas Hallmark stories are not really my wheelhouse so I’m not sure if the magical talking dog element works or not? Could the dog just be a very cool intuitive pet, like a therapy animal?
Final thought: Is the story more about the boy or about his dad?
I hope these small insights are helpful.
It looks like we are moving on to the next assignment which likely means more opportunity to flesh out our outlines!
Onward!
-Anita
-
Hi Antonio!
Thanks for wanting to exchange feedback.
I have read your version 3. Really have one main comment… maybe brief up the Concept by just saying the BF was poisoned (abducted and how poisoned doesn’t seem overly important to me up front) as the story is about the GirlFriend and her journey.
Regards,
-Anita
-
Hi Anna,
I took Sunday off, so just now seeing this request. There’s a lot to unpack in your posted SLW… I will make some time for comments now, then it looks like we’re needing to move on to the next assignment!
Regards,
Anita
-
Thanks Lisa!
Valid points, all.
I don’t have time tonight to take another pass, but will keep your thoughts in mind next go around.
-Anita
-
Hi Matthew,
I also like the second version of your concept, “Ascension”. I find the whole idea intriguing and somewhat reminiscent of an old movie called “Roller Ball” with themes of corporate entities pulling the strings of us lowly individuals, who must literally fight to the death to survive. I look forward to reading more as the outline gets fleshed out.
-Anita
-
Kate, you have already received excellent feedback here. I would only add a challenge to brief the concept up, more like a Logline.
“A young actress finds her long absent idealized father in a small rural
town but discovers that he is a greedy, dictatorial man, determined to
destroy this community in whom she has found a ‘family’. She learns
about her dead mother and the family history and must choose between her
values as represented by this community and her longing for a father in
her life. She joins them in a ‘sting’ operation and puts on a live
‘tell all’ public theatre performance.”Perhaps leaving out some of the descriptive adjectives and rethink including that last sentence? Trust me, I know how difficult it is to get the essence of a story down to one sentence!
-
Hi Kate,
Thanks for the good feedback! It’s difficult to communicate all the nuances of the story and relationships — and I didn’t even stick to the 2 sentence request under the 9 beats! I agree with your point about the under-developed father. I believe he is the necessary tension in this dramatic triangle, even if he is understated. He (for me) represents many of society’s opinions about women and pregnancy…. Especially having an opinion about forcing a woman to have an unwanted child, and then having no interest in supporting that child once born. In essence, he gives someone for Danica to rail against.
In fleshing out Dianna’s character I intend to establish her as brilliant but unstable. She goes into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly and uncovers others with kidney deficiency, which includes her mother. Her mother doesn’t realize Dianna knows who she is.
I hope to incorporate these clarifications in the next draft.
Thanks!
-Anita