Anna Burroughs-Merrill
Forum Replies Created
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Anna;s Projects and Insights
Proposed Projects:
Project 1: is a ;Michael Bay level thriller with lots of explosions. Budget: Oh, $50 million?
Project 2: is a contained screenplay with a limited cast (8 people) filmed largely in a corporate conference room. Budget: $1 millionWhat did I learn from the opening conference: That there is a whole entry-level of paid writing assignments possible helping to fill in the gaps, polish, complete, and finish other peoples scripts to build credibility and a respectable writing resume. I already do book and magazine article editing, so this sounds a lot less intimidating than it initially sounded.
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Hello everyone!
I'm Anna Burroughs-Merrill (pen name Anna Erishkigal). I've got two finished feature-length scripts, plus a bunch of unfinished scripts that I started to learn specific skills here on SU. I've also got a nearly-completed television series which is adapted from my epic fantasy book series.
I'm primarily a novelist, but I've edited several foreign movie scripts that were translated into English, and I really enjoyed those gigs. It's challenging (but rewarding) to make sure nothing gets "lost in translation".
Look forward to learning some new skills!
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I, Anna Burroughs-Merrill, AGREE to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class. -
Hi Everyone!
1. I'm Anna Burroughs.
2. I've completed one full-length movie script, a short feature script, and have been working on a television series based off my epic fantasy book series. I've also got a bunch of unfinished scripts that I began writing here simply to learn some new concepts and skills.
3. I've been bogged down writing a really HEAVY closing season of my book series / proposed television series and would simply like an excuse to take a break and write something light, funny, and uplifting.
4. Something unusual about me: I primarily write epic fantasy, but I had the privilege of being mentored by a handful of best-selling blockbuster romance novelists. You'd be surprised to learn that many of the masterminds behind all those alpha males and lassies with heaving bosoms are women with Ph.D's in history, science, and law. -
I, Anna Burroughs, AGREE to the terms of t his release form, as outlined below:
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people. -
Stacking Intrigue: JFK
Watch 1st time for basic scene components:
· Scene arc: Garrison interviews “X”, a former spook boss in Kennedy’s administration. X educates Garrison about all the unusual things that were done to get the usual people who were responsible for Kennedy’s safety out of the way, or to get them to stand down. He concludes with stating {{{they}}} are making the public chase their tails with the how in order to prevent them from asking WHY.
· Situation: Garrison is investigating JFK’s assassination.
· Conflict: Garrison vs. the Deep State machinations.
· Moving the story forward: X gives Garrison lots of hidden information about all the things that didn’t add up about Kennedy’s security that day.
· Entertainment value: The scene is intriguing because we catch a glimpse inside the secret life of the Secret Service and government protection.
· Setups/payoffs: I haven’t seen this movie, so I’m not sure whether there are payoffs here (other than the act X agreed to meet with Garrison). But there are a lot of potential setups as X explains all the irregularities that day, things that Garrison can follow up on later, I presume.
Watch 2nd time for:
· What makes this scene great? There is a conspiratorial tone to this scene. X is succinct as he outlays the questions that Garrison needs to be asking, and he paints a compelling tale of a government assassinating its own leader and getting loyal party members out of the way to do it.
· How most of the questions and statements cause intrigue: Ever word out of X’s mouth is a setup for an intriguing fact, all pointing to the probability that Kennedy was murdered by his own intelligence agencies.
· Different forms of intriguing lines: X’s monologue is succinct, a very condensed laying out of facts that will presumably be investigated later. Every single fact is intriguing and conspiratorial.
· The effect of stacking a series of intriguing statements on top of each other. This has some of the most intriguing stacking of conspiracies that I’ve seen in a movie.
o X sent to the south pole so he wasn’t there to verify security
o Regular security was told to stand down
o The general in charge’s objections were ignored
o The president’s cabinet was out of the country
o Soldiers who normally would have been there to provide security were up in the air, chasing their tail on a fool’s errand
o There were other intelligence assets there that day, but nobody knows who they were
o No usual 3-day-beforehand visit by the secret service
o The appalling lack of security, especially insofar as monitoring all the upper stories of buildings and windows, potential sniper spots. There should have been snipers watching those windows.
o There should have been at least 200 agents along that road
o The bubble-top should have been kept on the car
o The route should not have been with that curve in the road, where the car had to slow down to 10 mph
o All of the phones in Washington, DC went down during the shooting for an hour
· What are your insights into intriguing dialogue and stacking intrigue? Garrison has very little to say at this point. X is the star of this scene. Every word out of his mouth is intriguing because it points to a real life murder (JFK).
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Anna’s Deeper Layer
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from this assignment: I’ve been doing a shit-ton of research, trying to beef up this story and add realism by visiting the real life setting (WHOI, tribal lands, USCG stations, etc.) and this is helping me plug in that research into places in the story. The story is changing, the more I research it. There’s going to be a ton more stuff in the novel version (which I’ll publish long before this thing ever gets marketed) than in the final film, so this is helping me keep all those facts somewhat in “movie structure” so I can decide what will go in the film version, versus the book.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
Genre: Mystery / Thriller
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Create each piece of this “Deeper Layer” puzzle.
Surface Layer: A Coast Guard maverick who is investigating a series of eco-terrorist attacks involving “killer dolphins” has also been ordered to attend a class by a worldwide expert on leviathan communication and report back everything he sees.
Deeper Layer: His wheelchair-bound instructor has a motive, and the expertise (both dolphin communication and explosives), to possibly be the ringleader of an eco-terrorist cell.
Major Reveal: Lorelei is also investigating the attacks, but on behalf of her tribe … she’s a mermaid.
Influences Surface Story: Lorelei really is inspiring a group of anarchist kids to “monkeywrench” a windfarm being built right in the middle of an endangered right whale nursery until they migrate south for the winter, but they are not the same crew responsible for blowing up ships. Ever since the explosion which left her maimed, Lorelei no longer trusts the U.S. government.
Hints: The Wampanoag fishermen scoff at Jacob’s attempts to bust them for “safety” reasons … the local tribes have been allied with the “halfway people” and their leviathan allies for thousands of years. Also, the incidents involving the anarchist kids are all highly televised, annoying, and cause delay, but nobody is hurt, unlike the “killer dolphin” attacks. And aquatic mammals are suddenly hanging around the waters and salt pond at WHOI, acting strange, but not aggressive.
Changes Reality: Somebody – a human? – has usurped the merfolk’s traditional role of guardians of the ocean and declared war on humanity.
Act 1:
Beginning: Gomes scoffs at Jacobs claim to be there “for his safety.”
Inciting Incident: “Killer dolphins” (hah hah hah!) blow up a ship that gets too close to a pod of right whales. Jacob notices the fishermen were poaching undersized striped bass. Back at shore, he hears whales and dolphins sing and something large swims under the drawbridge. Later that night, a mysterious woman in a wheelchair arrives at the local “pub” and he witnesses Gomes and the other Wampanoag leave “offerings” of tobacco.
Turning Point 1: Jacob is ordered to investigate the incident and train his crew to add environmental enforcement to their other duties. But since he’s only enlisted, he has to take training. Luckily, a visiting expert at WHOI has agreed to let him sit in on her classes. He’s to report everything back to command. When he attends class, it’s the same woman from the bar, and also Gomes’ nephew. The woman and fellow students are hostile to Jacob.
Act 2:
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: The terrorist attacks a civilian ferry, and then blows a hole in one of the cutters that responds to help. Gomes and the other fishermen step in to rescue the passengers. Finally the brass believes him about the “killer dolphins.” But they thwart his attempts to dig up more information about Lorelei, which is “classified.”
Act 3:
Turning Point 3: After another ship is attacked, rather than rescue the floundering ship, Jacob delegates the task to civilian ships and uses sonar to pursue the dolphins back to their commander. They pursue the ship, but the terrorist out-maneuvers them and one of Jacob’s crew is badly injured. Whoever this guy is, its not Lorelei or her eco-zealous students.
Act 4 Climax:
Resolution: Lorelei tells Jacob where she believes the terrorist will hit next. Climax #1: Jacob and his crew lay in wait, and thwart the terrorist, but then they receive a distress call from Gomes, whose ship has capsized and is sinking in a hurricane, and have to abandon the recovery effort. They are met by the Hammerhead, which is carrying Lorelei. Only Jacob, a surfman, can navigate the ship out into a Category-4 hurricane. When they get there, Gomes ship has already sunk, but Lorelei reveals she is really a mermaid. She straps on the fin, swims into the writhing seas, and calls the whales, who raise Gome’s ship from the bottom of the ocean and help the fishermen escape.
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Anna’s Character Structure
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from this assignment: I’ve been doing a lot of character development research, as well as visiting the actual location where much of this story takes place, and this exercise has helped me solidify all those pretty shiny things into some kind of framework.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
Genre: Mystery / Thriller
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Character: Jacob Staats
Role: Protagonist
Character Journey Overview:
Beginning: Jacob has taken a temporary “demotion” from surfman to a “quiet” port due to his wife’s high-risk pregnancy. He is only here until she drops the kid, and then its back to the surf, high seas, and being the hero.
Middle: Due to Jacob’s poor attitude both in his own officer training, and also training his team, tragedy strikes one of his crew.
End: Jacob trains his crew and thwarts Capt’n Jack’s attack on the wind farm. And then, in a double-high-tower-surprise ending that shows he can still be the one who rides in to save the day, Lorelei and the whales help him save his secondary antagonist.
Act 1:
Beginning: Jacob is bored stiff in a “quiet port” doing health and safety checks. The local fishermen, led by Gomes, have no respect for his intent to keep them safe.
Inciting Incident: They respond to assist a boat that exploded due to alleged “killer dolphins.” Nobody believes such a crazy tale. But they realize the damaged ship was operating too close to a pod of endangered Right whales, engaged in poaching salmon out-of-season, so Jacob cites them.
Turning Point 1: Jacob’s C.O. “promotes” him and puts him in charge of building a new environmental enforcement team which includes investigating potential eco-terrorist incidents, but there’s a catch. He must attend environmental classes with an “expert in leviathan communication” (Lorelei) and a bunch of pro-anarchist students.
Act 2:
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: The fight becomes personal after a Coast Guard vessel gets sabotaged and the brass stops laughing at his report of “killer dolphins.”
Act 3:
Turning Point 3: Jacob abandons a sinking ship (to civilian rescue) in order to pursue Capt’n Jack, but because he failed to properly train his crew, one is seriously injured and the terrorist gets away.
Act 4 Climax #1: Jacob thwarts the terrorist’s attack on his ultimate target. He sinks beneath the waves.
Act 4 Climax #2: Before he can recover the villain’s body, he gets called out to rescue his secondary antagonist (Gomes), whose boat has sunk in a hurricane. Lorelei calls the whales to raise the ship, and the rest of the mystery is revealed.
Resolution: Now that Jacob and his team have been let in on the big secret, he is given the choice to go back to being the front-line hero, but he declines. Its time to train a new generation of heroes what he knows.
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Character: Capt’n Jack
Role: Antagonist
Character Journey Overview:
Beginning: In 2008, Kustaa Enginn, a civilian scientist who has been helping the Navy develop an interface to communicate with dolphins, leaps into the Strait of Hormuz to rescue Lorelei, the Navy’s half-human / half-leviathan munitions expert, after an Iranian fighter jet explodes the mines that she and her dolphin team are in the process of disarming.
Middle: A mysterious environmental agitator known only by his nom de guerre “Capt’n Jack” perfects his dolphin communication device, recruits useful idiots, and begins taking “direct action” against those he deems responsible for harming his “sea brothers.”
Resolution: That pesky Coast Guard unit which began dogging him shortly after his first successful mission intercepts his dolphin team before they can finish mining his end-target. They fight, his boat gets rammed, and he sinks beneath the surf of an incoming hurricane.
Act I:
Beginning: Capt’n Jack perfects his dolphin communication device and selects a target.
Inciting Incident: Capt’n Jack has his first successful test of his dolphin team’s ability to plant explosives onto a target and swim away unharmed.
Turning Point 1: Capt’n Jack recruits “red herrings” to take the heat while he blows up his next target.
Act 2:
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Coast Guard investigators are cramping his style. He targets a bigger target to keep them busy, and then hits one of their boats.
Act 3:
Turning Point 3: One of the Coast Guard vessels tracks his dolphin team right back to his go-fast boat, the Dreki. He rams their boat and gets away.
Act 4 Climax: He uses the cover of the incoming hurricane to mine his real target, the nascent wind farm whose seafloor mapping sonar has deafened and killed numerous sea brothers. But that Coast Guard ship comes out of nowhere, they fight, and sink the Dreki. Capt’n Jack refuses to take Jacob’s hand and sinks beneath the waves.
Resolution: A periscope appears close to a Saudi Arabian luxury yacht, where a business meeting is taking place about increasing the supply of oil. A buxom babe looks into the water and says, “Oh, look dolphins!” We hear a “thunk” and the dolphins swim away. A moment later, the ship explodes. The Níðhǫggr surfaces and we hear mechanical “dolphin song” as the end-credits roll.
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Character: Lorelei Saba
Role: Secondary Antagonist / Triangle Character
Character Journey Overview:
Beginning: Lorelei Saba is gravely injured after the Iranians drop missiles into the water where she and her dolphin team are helping the U.S. Navy disarm mines.
Middle: Newly elevated to pod matriarch, Lorelei visits the far southern outpost of her “kingdom” to hold court with both her non-human (aquatic mammal) subjects and human (Wampanoag tribe) allies/distant kin. She poses as a “leviathan communications expert” at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute (whose higher-ups know what she is) to vet prospective allies.
End: Lorelei has found her new champion, not some tree-hugging graduate student, but a poor boy from Appalachia who “gets” the competing interests she must balance.
Act 1:
Beginning: Lorelei is maimed while disarming mines in the Strait of Hormuz. Fifteen years later, she ascends to pod matriarch and wishes to shift her pod (whose numbers are dwindling) away from being used by the US military for dangerous “adventures”. She goes on a tour of her historical kingdom, renewing old alliances (both human and aquatic mammal), ending at the southernmost point, the waters of Cape Cod.
Inciting Incident: With the help of allies, she poses as a “leviathan communication expert” at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute to vet potential new human allies from among the best and brightest future oceanographers. But much to her chagrin, the military has sent a spy from the Coast Guard.
Turning Point 1: Midpoint: Several of her most promising students take direct action against a local wind farm which has been harming the “sea brothers” under her dominion. While Lorelei doesn’t participate, neither does she discourage this non-violent form of protest.
Act 2:
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Her students get arrested after one of their publicity stunts ends in a tragedy. Then her Wampanoag ally, and distant cousin, Gomes comes to her with information that a mysterious “Capt’n Jack” character has been riling up discontent among the young people of the tribe with talk of blowing up enemy targets. To make matters worse, she gets word that the military “student spy” is digging into her past and suspects she is the ringleader.
Act 3:
Turning Point 3: After the “spy” who has been dogging her tail is targeted by the real eco-terrorist and one of his team is injured, Lorelei sends out her non-human security team and confirms there is an unknown pod sited in Cape Cod waters. Lorelei passes this information along to Jacob, who she now realizes is not a spy.
Act 4 Climax: While Jacob is laying out his trap, Gomes’ fishing boat sinks during a hurricane. With 30’ waves, the Coast Guard can’t get a ship out to help them. Lorelei calls upon allies to call back the one man she knows is capable of navigating such high surf to get her onsite so she can help. But that requires her to trust Jacob and his team to keep her secret.
Resolution: Lorelei calls the whales and they raise the ship from the bottom of the ocean. Jacob and his team are the allies she was hoping to find.
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Anna’s Supporting Characters
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from this assignment: I have a lot of characters whose roles I haven’t decided whether they will be supporting or background. I also need to come up with additional characters for Jacob’s classmates, some of whom will be suspects and red herrings.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
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Support 1:
- Name: Hannah Staats
- Role: Jacob’s highly educated, high-risk pregnancy wife.
- Main purpose: she’s the reason Jacob took a “mundane” job close to shore.
- Value: Katie believes in her husband, even when he doesn’t believe in himself.
Support 2:
- Name: Lewis Griffin
- Role: Coast Guard rescue swimmer
- Main purpose: Jacob’s best friend, but he’s a constant reminder of what Jacob gave up to be close to shore.
- Value: Yo! The dude will jump out of a Jayhawk into 30 foot seas in a hurricane to save your life! Has an ego that he carries in a suitcase, a hopeless womanizer, and as loyal as a Saint Bernard.
Support 3:
- Name: Quequequanachet “Quinn” Gomes
- Role: Fisherman
- Main Purpose: Gomes is a Portuguese / Wampanoag fisherman and “elder” in the tribal council
- Value: Gome’s people have had a symbiotic relationship with the merfolk for thousands of years.
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Anna’s Character Profiles, Part 2
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from this assignment: I banged out a few more character traits. They’re beginning to “speak to me”, but I’ve got a lot more work before they’re ready to put down onto the page.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
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Character: Jacob Staats
Character Subtext:
Luring / Seducing – Jacob intends to figure out who is behind the dolphin attacks on the boats – and doesn’t have a problem with leading the people he is investigating down a merry road in order to elicit information.
Character Intrigue:
Unspoken Wound: Jacob desperately wants a large family, just like the one he grew up in. But his wife keeps miscarrying, and there is no guarantee she’ll be able to carry her current pregnancy to term.Unspoken Wound #2: his father died in a coal mining accident, buried alive. Its his greatest fear, the thought of the earth trapping him, which is why this Appalachian boy was drawn to the ocean.
Flaw:
Overdoing things – Jacob’s not just heroic, he’s a hero’s hero among a profession filled with risk-takers and daredevils, and sometimes that gets him into trouble.Undervalues themselves – despite all his bravado, Jacob undervalues his intellectual abilities. He still thinks of himself as a “dumbass hillbilly” even though he’s self-taught.
Values:
FamilyDutyCourage
Character Dilemma:
Family vs. Duty
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Anna’s Character Profiles, Part 1
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from this assignment: I’ve been doing a ton of extra-curricular work researching role models, archetypes, and motives for my three main characters. This exercise helped me nail some of those pretty shiny things onto some sort of framework (before I forget it all).
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
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Character: Jacob Staats
Role: Protagonist
Description: Late twenties. Surfman. Adrenaline junkie and hero. Highly intelligent, but speaks with the twang of an Appalachian hillbilly.
Character’s Story Arc: Jacob moves from always being the first on the scene, no matter how dangerous the surf, to an understanding of the bigger picture — that he must safeguard the lives of both the people – and also sea animals — who used to be protected by the merfolk – a species who only a handful of people know even exist.
Actor Attractors: Involuntarily “promoted” to lead investigator of what, at first, appears to be a simple boat fire, our fish-out-of-water maverick must not only learn how to do his new job, but also figure out that the reason somebody figured out how to communicate with dolphins is because mermaids taught them.
Core Traits:
- Courageous
- Resourceful
- Underprivileged
- Impulsive
Motivation / Want / Need:
- Wants: To stay on “this boring pond” just long enough for his wife to deliver her high-risk pregnancy, and then head back into the open ocean.
- Needs: To move from generic hero to a champion with a cause.
Core Wound:
- Core wound #1: Jacob was out at sea, performing heroic deeds to save the lives of strangers, each of the previous four times that his wife miscarried. He’s determined that this time he will be there for her.
- Core wound #2: Jacob’s father died after being buried alive in a coal mine. Fear of being “buried alive” is his greatest fear.
Likeability / relatability / empathy: Jacob grew up one of 8 kids, dirt poor, in an Appalachian coal-mining town, reared by his widowed mother and grandfather. His cockiness and bravado are offset by a genuine desire to help his fellow man.
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Character: Lorelei Saba
Role: Antagonist / Mentor
Description: Early fifties. Has the high cheekbones and black hair of a Native American, but her iridescent-green eyes, regal demeanor, and hypnotic voice hint she is something more. Horribly scarred, missing two fingers. Uses a wheelchair which secretly conceals her tail.
Character’s story arc: Lorelei recently assumed the role of Matriarch (ruler) of the northeast “pod” and must deal with the fact that her people’s falling numbers have left vulnerable their human “kin” with whom they share a symbiotic relationship. Ostensibly she’s come to “lecture” at the WHOI, but she’s really here to recruit allies.
Actor attractors: Lorelei isn’t just a mermaid, she’s the mermaid “queen” (pod matriarch).
Lorelei’s Traits:
- Intelligent
- Regal
- Secretive
- Skeptical
Wants vs. needs:
- Wants: to recruit human allies.
- Needs: to trust there are humans who will protect her “kingdom” like she does.
Core wound: she lost the love of her life in the same accident which took her fingers (and part of her tail). Its hard for her to trust the military – even “pond hoppers” like the Coast Guard.
Likeability / relatability / empathy: despite her no-nonsense manner, Lorelei goes out of her way to make sure her students (including Jacob) truly understand what she has come to teach.
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Character: Capt’n Jack
Role: Villain
Description: Early sixties, built like a Viking bezerker. Heavily scarred with an eye-patch (though sometimes he wears a glass eye). Highly intelligent. Likes to play the cello. Absolutely hates “the modern machine.”
Character’s Story Arc: Capt’n Jack is a shadowy figure, seen only through his acts of eco-terrorism and the admiration he earns from young, idealistic collaborators who are inspired by his “manifestos” to commit their own acts of “monkeywrenching”. Who is he? How did he train dolphins to blow up ships? And could he be there, lurking quietly in the background?
Actor attractors: Captain Nemo meets the Unabomber.
Character Traits:
- Methodical
- Brilliant
- Reclusive
- Vengeful
Wants vs. Needs:
- Wants: to destroy the “machine” which abandoned him to die.
- Needs: to discover that the person he thinks is dead is really still alive.
Core wound: We never get to find out exactly what drives Capt’n Jack, but from his manifestos, it can be discerned that he bears grudges against the U.S. military, the military-industrial complex, the oil industry, and anyone who abuses sea-life.
Likeability / relatability / empathy: The only time we meet Capt’n Jack, he is either blowing something up, or in a life-and-death struggle with our hero. But idealistic, young “tree huggers” absolutely love him – or at least his ideas about taking direct action to destroy the “machine.”
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Anna’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from doing this assignment: its great to think about likeability, but at this point, I’m focused on creating my inter-character intrigue.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Protagonist: Jacob Staat
Likability: While a bit cocky, Jacob’s an all-American guy from rural Appalachia who would put his life at risk in a heartbeat to help you.
Relatability: He grew up dirt-poor, raised by his grandfather and widowed mother, and helped her raise 8 brothers and sisters. He is not ostentatious.
Empathy: His wife miscarried her four prior pregnancies while he was out at sea. He is determined that this time he will be there for her, and maybe the reduction of stress will allow her to bring this child to term. It is his whole reason for taking a “job in a cage” instead of out in the roughest water running life-threatening rescues. We can all relate to having to give up your dream in order to take care of your family first.
Antagonist: Capt’n Jack
Likability: He’s a mysterious character who we never realize we are crossing paths with, but there is something admirable about his quest for vengeance against “the system.”
Relatability: We all want to “strike out against the system” at times. Capt’n Jack just does it in a clever and violent way.
Empathy: We hear Capt’n Jack’s views through the voices of the young “direct action” eco-anarchists who have read his writings and are inspired by his work to commit their own small acts of monkeywrenching and vandalism.
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Anna’s Character Intrigue
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from doing this assignment: this helped me flesh out the characters a bit more, but I still need to do a lot more work. I’m a hopeless “pantser”, so at some point I’m going to have to put them in the sandbox and play with them to finish fleshing them out (yeah, I know, inefficient, but it is what it is).
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Character Name: Capt’n Jack (not his real name)
- Role: villain. He’s a Captain Nemo type character.
- Hidden agendas: to rid the oceans of his enemies.
- Competition: law enforcement, the Navy, and Lorelei
- Conspiracies: he intends to escalate to much larger targets. Woods Hole is just a test run to train his team of dolphins.
- Secrets: he bears a deep grudge against the U.S. military.
- Deception: he moves inconspicuously among the temporary fishermen’s mates, sizing up the targets he intends to hit next.
- Unspoken Wound: he blames the entire U.S. military for the death of someone he once loved.
- Secret Identity: he’s former Navy.
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This was a rather heartwarming scene of inter-family conflict and resolution. I’ve never seen this movie and would like to watch it now.
Watch 1st time for basic scene components:
Scene arc: Molly’s father seeks her out on the ice rink. She reluctantly talks to him, as she doesn’t like him. He offers to give her “3 years of therapy in 30 minutes.” He cuts through her defense mechanisms in each “year” until they get to the crux of the situation, “why doesn’t her father like her?” He then explains that he knows that SHE knows he’s been cheating on her mother since she was 5 years old, and that his reaction wasn’t to her, but to his own shame that he knew she knew, and he could see the contempt in her eyes. He then states that he will hire somebody to hurt or kill whichever mobster is after her, and they embrace.
Situation: Molly’s father seeks her out to talk after he learns she is going to jail.
Conflict: Molly hates her father.
Entertainment value: This is an exaggeration of a father-daughter conflict which many people can relate to (minus the “going to federal prison” part).
Moving the story forward: I’ve never watched this movie, but this appears to be some kind of midpoint moment where Molly deals with her inner wound and decides to come out swinging.
Setup/payoffs: this scene sets up Molly getting emotional and financial support from her father; and perhaps a motivation NOT to plea-bargain, but to fight in court.
Watch 2nd Time for:
What makes this scene great? The way the characters reconcile at the end. It’s one of those heart-warming “awwww” moments.
Notice the difference in their dialogue. Molly is disrespectful. Her father is authoritative and demands respect. She is trying to get a rise out of him, and her speech is contemptful. Her father, on the other hand, is trying to get through to her and its reflected in his speech, but from a “tough love” viewpoint.
What parts of his profile do you see coming through? What parts of hers? He is brilliant – authoritative – successful – distant. Molly is smart – rebellious – resourceful – and comtemptuous.
Interesting dialogue that makes this scene powerful. This is the kind of verbal sparring you expect between family members who are estranged, and it is very realistic (though much better than the cat-fights you see families have).
What insights did you have into Character Profile Dialogue? I’ve never seen this movie, but through their dialogue, I have a pretty good idea of the dynamics between these two characters and where this relationship is going.
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GROSSE POINT BLANK
Watch 1st time for basic scene components:
Scene arc – Martin’s in therapy with Dr. Oatman, who he recently told he was a hitman. Martin is ruminating about thoroughly normal issues, but the doctor is uncomfortable and wants to drop Martin as a patient. Martin keeps coming anyways, and Dr. Oatman is frightened to just tell him to go away, so he keeps seeing him every week. Martin wants a normal doctor-patient relationship to deal with his anxiety, doesn’t see what his work has to do with anything, while Dr. Oatman wants Martin to stop killing people.
Situation – a hitman seeks therapy
Conflict – Martin wants to deal with his issues, but the doctor is afraid of him.
Entertainment value – this is rather funny, to watch Martin’s disconnect between the morality of his line of work.
Moving the story forward – the scene ends with Martin agreeing to go to his high school reunion and look up the girl he still dreams of 10 years after the fact.
Setup/payoffs – setups for the high school reunion and looking up the old girlfriend, as well as possible killing people or choosing not to kill people.
Watch 2nd Time for:
What makes this scene great? Martin’s emotional disconnect between what he does for work and his very ordinary feelings of listlessness over his life.
How almost every response is an Attack / Counterattack. Dr. Oatman wants out, but Martin keeps shooting down (snark) his excuses over his job and coming right back with thoroughly ordinary human dilemmas that you would ordinarily discuss in therapy. Its funny, the disconnect.
How this is a natural part of their relationship. Dr. Oatman appears to be a very competent psychologist, but he has a dilemma now that his patient could kill him.
How Attack / Counterattack comes from opposing perspectives. Dr. Oatman thinks being a hitman is wrong (and it scares him). Martin doesn’t care about morality and doesn’t see his job as an issue. He is focused on his angst. It makes for some hilarious verbal disconnect.
What insights did you have about Attack/Counterattack dialogue? A lot about their personalities and worldviews was revealed in the back-and-forth, which was witty, but revealing.
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Watch 1st time for basic scene components:
Scene arc: Three men go on horseback through a MASSIVE defensive ice-wall. They split into three and travel into the forest on a patrol. One of the soldiers sees smoke in the snow-covered woods and dismounts, crawls on his belly over a rise where he sees a group of “wildlings” has been killed, dismembered, and ritualistically arranged into some kind of art. He runs…
Situation: Three horsemen on patrol
Conflict: It’s implied from the massive ice-wall that whatever lays beyond the wall is extremely dangerous.
Moving the story forward: This is the opening scene in a series, so we don’t know where this is going, but it keeps raising questions such as “why the ice wall”, “what are these men patrolling for” and “who killed these people?”
Entertainment value: very intriguing, I want to know more.
Setups/payoffs: It’s mostly setups at this point – the portcullis, the long tunnel, the wall, the men on patrol all hint of some kind of terrifying threat. The murdered people is a payoff on that threat, but also another setup — who did it?
Watch 2nd time for:
What makes this scene great? The CGI ice wall, and the bleakness, almost black-and-white monochrome of the snow-covered forest until you come across the blood from the dismembered wildlings.
How does each step create more intrigue? It raises questions without saying a single word.
Different forms of intrigue used. The effect of stacking a series of intriguing images and statements on top of each other. The portcullis (defensive), long tunnel (defensive), massive ice-wall (mega-defensive), and fact these men wear swords all point to some kind of threat, which is delivered when one of the rangers finds the bodies. The bleakness and silence of the forest (you hear only the horse), faint wolf-howls, all add to the vulnerability of the rangers.
What are your insights about stacking intrigue? This scene layered multiple levels of intrigue.
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Anna’s Subtext Characters
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from doing this assignment: My concept is intriguing, but my characters are still rather flat. I need to do some more character development, figure out ways to bring these characters in conflict with one another against the backdrop of the terrorist attacks.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
Genre: Mystery / Suspense
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Character with the most subtext: Lorelei Saba
Subtext Identity: Mermaid.
Subtext trait: secretive
Subtext logline: Wheelchair bound college professor by day, Lorelei is really a mermaid.
Possible areas of subtext: she must hide what she really is while attempting to teach humans to respect the frail balance between preserving the ocean and allowing humans to eke a living from the ocean the way that they do.
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Character #2: Jacob Staats
Subtext identity: surfman
Subtext trait: Heroic – daring – reckless – fish out of water
Subtext logline: Jacob Staats will pilot a ship through the straits of hell to save your life, but put him in charge of a team of subordinates, or heading up a criminal investigation, and he’s a fish out of water.
Possible areas of subtext: Jacob’s prior strategy of quelling his fears with bravado no longer works in his new position where only facts, evidence, and an ability to train a team to follow his command matter.
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Anna’s actor attractors
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from doing this assignment: This made me realize I need to do some more character development, and weave that into workable scenes, on my main characters. My villain, especially, is problematic as he spends much of the movie off-screen. We see the results of his terrorism, but we don’t see HIM as the first half of the movie is the hero trying to get someone to even believe there could be “killer dolphins.”
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Character: Jacob Staats
- What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it? He’d play a Coast Guard investigator who not only is doing near-shore rescues and busting poachers, but he’s struggling with his decision to work “a mundane job close to shore” so he can be there for his pregnant wife versus the high-stakes, high-adrenaline work he used to do as the best surfman in the country.
- What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? He’s an Appalachian transplant, into an ocean-going life, and he loves it. He loves the high stakes, the open ocean, and the freedom it represents.
- What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script? In addition to using his wits as he learns how to investigate environmental crimes (fish out of water) and suddenly being elevated to officer-level from his former role as an enlisted man, he is investigating a series of eco-terror attacks by dolphins against targets that appear to have a connection to environmental crimes.
- How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? A strong opening with a chase out of the fog to bust a fisherman for what turns out to be a minor infraction of out-of-date safety equipment, and then the immediate transition into the inciting incident – responding to the first ship explosion.
- What could be this character’s emotional range? He’s a high-stakes adrenaline junkie who is torn between his prior job doing high-stakes rescues, his pregnant wife (who he loves dearly), and his desperate desire to have kids.
- What subtext can the actor play? While he puts a hero’s face to the world, he bleeds inside for every child his wife has miscarried. He is also out of his element suddenly being charged as an officer to train his crew and oversee criminal investigations, not simply be the guy they call out to save the day.
- What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have? His relationship with Lorelei, who both scorns his lack of knowledge about the environmental impact that humans have upon the ocean, but also admires the way he relates to the working-class fishermen and others who ply the ocean for an honest living thanks to his Appalachian coal-mine company town upbringing.
- How will this character’s unique voice be presented? While in Lorelei’s classes, he is challenged to think about and justify his worldview to his predominantly wealthy, white privileged “tree hugger” fellow classmates, not just fly by the seat of his pants and be respected for his daring the way he is used to doing. He gradually moves from seeing her as a mentor, to a suspect in the crimes. He is also challenged in his job by learning how to take command of his crew, especially the young pilot he is supposed to be training to be coxswain, but neglecting as he is used to seizing all the glory.
- What could make this character special and unique? He becomes more thoughtful and well-rounded without losing that “hero’s edge” that helps him save the day.
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Anna’s Actor attractors for “Solace”.
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from doing this assignment: It was interesting to first search for a movie that had multiple similarities to the one I am writing (genre, sub-genre, key elements) and then analyze who the actors are, where they were in their careers at the time the movie was filmed, and guess what might have motivated them to take on this movie for a reason other than “getting paid.” The movie I chose was a thriller with a serial killer / police procedure and a hint of the supernatural – not an exact fit, but “close enough.”
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Lead Actor #1: Anthony Hopkins
- Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? – He plays a physician-psychic who is helping the police catch a serial killer.
- What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? – Besides the fact this is Anthony Hopkins (‘nuff said); playing a psychic detective, Hopkins gives his usual solid performance that adds a whole additional layer of drama and subtext to whatever character he is playing.
- What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? – Although Dr. Clancy foresees the future quite accurately, he withholds the knowledge from those around him until he understands what he is actually seeing. He knows the symbolism can be misinterpreted, and that “I see you getting shot in the head” isn’t helpful without context to change the future.
- How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? – There is a lot of buildup between Agent Merriweather and Agent Cowles about whether Dr. Clancy is “stable” enough to help out after his daughter’s death from leukemia. He is then introduced as a grieving father who had withdrawn from the world, cut off all ties, and is living out of unpacked boxes.
- What is this character’s emotional range? – Dr. John Clancy doesn’t just talk about grieving his daughter’s death from leukemia, you FEEL his pain as he talks about his helplessness as he watched her suffer, and it adds credibility to his performance while searching for the killer.
- What subtext can the actor play? – We’re talking Anthony Hopkins, here. He invented “subtext.”
- What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? – His friendship with Agent Merriweather is interesting, but the slightly-antagonistic relationship which develops between him and Agent Katherine Cowles is especially poignant. But the most interesting relationship is the one which develops between him and the serial killer (Colin Farrell). They are both psychic, they both understand the pain and devastation a fatal illness can bring upon both the dying patient and the family, and both wish to alleviate suffering. The serial killer just has a twisted way of doing it.
- How is this character’s unique voice presented? – There’s a line of dialogue between Dr. Clancy and the parents of a young boy who was murdered (Christian Scientists) who don’t trust to authorize an autopsy to search whether the boy was sick. He tells them about being helpless while his daughter grew sick, suffered, and died, and that he did not wish to play god, simply to find their son’s killer.
- What makes this character special and unique? – It’s Anthony Hopkins. Any character he plays is special and unique. But the genuine sense of suffering he brings to the character is special.
- (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.) – At the end of the movie, you see the scene which replays several times of his daughter suffering towards the end of her illness. She was in agonizing pain. And then you see that Dr. Clancy administered a fatal dose of medication to euthanize her, to end her suffering. And then you understand the real reason he withdrew so far from the world, and why the serial killer sought him out to continue his life’s “work.”
INT. DAYTIME – ELLIS HOUSE
MRS. ELLIS: Did you catch him?
DR. CLANCY: No.
MRS. ELLIS: Then what are you doing here?
DR. CLANCY: There was another murder last night. We believe it’s the same man that killed your son. All of the other victims have suffered from an illness or a condition…
MRS. ELLIS: Robert was 12. He wasn’t sick.
DR. CLANCY: We’d like to verify that
MRS. ELLIS: How are you going to do that?
DR. CLANCY: We conduct an autopsy.
MRS. ELLIS: You dig his body up, pry him open and search around inside him?
DR. CLANCY: Yes, we do.
MRS. ELLIS: Who are you?
DR. CLANCY: I’m a doctor.
MRS. ELLIS: He wasn’t sick. And even if he was, he did not need a man like you. It’s fate. It’s just that some people do not have the courage to accept the wisdom of the Lord.
DR. CLANCY: I agree with you, Mrs. Ellis, absolutely. I know the limitations of medicine. I’ve diagnosed many patients with death growing inside them. Like my own daughter. She had Leukemia. For 2 years, I went to the hospital every day and watched her suffer. Every procedure, every test, all totally useless, of course. And one day she died. And that was that. In the end, it was a blessing. I do understand something about fate, Mrs. Ellis. And, uh, I certainly wouldn’t use medicine to alter God’s plan. I… just want to know why your son was killed. And medicine can help me discover that. And then, perhaps, it can help me catch the man…who killed your little boy.
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Lead Actor #2: Colin Farrell
- Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? – He plays Charles Ambrose, a serial killer who murders people who his psychic visions show are fatally ill, set up to be a happy and painless death, before the characters realize they are dying.
- What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? – We don’t see the villain until the midpoint, but his reasons for killing are complicated and it is difficult to hate him … even when he sets up Agent Merriweather to be killed by another murderer.
- What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? – He makes himself known to Dr. Clancy, he wants his fellow psychic to understand him.
- How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? – Dr. Clancy sees visions of Ambrose before he actually meets him, but they are blurry at first. What’s more interesting is how the two FBI agents and Dr. Clancy piece together the pattern that these are “mercy killings” of people who don’t yet realize they are fatally ill.
- What is this character’s emotional range? – Ambrose is haunted by his visions, but views them as a “mercy.” Colin Farrell plays a psychopath very well.
- What subtext can the actor play? – Despite being a serial killer, there’s a certain twisted mercy to how Ambrose chooses his victims. At one point he sets up clues that lead the police to ANOTHER killer, and Agent Merriweather is shot and killed during the bust. We then learn, as Merriweather is in the hospital, dying, that he’s actually relieved it went down that way. He was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, with maybe 6 months left to live, and he got to go out with a bang and a larger pension to his wife and son. We then learn, in dialogue between the serial killer and Dr. Clancy, that Ambrose foresaw and then set up that bust as a “mercy killing” of the detective. The subtext which is hidden all along and you don’t “get” until the very last scene is that Ambrose KNOWS that Dr. Clancy is more like him than Clancy will ever admit.
- What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? – Ambrose wants Dr. Clancy to accept him as “we are both alike.” On the one hand, he is Dr. Clancy’s prospective mentor. On the other hand, Dr. Clancy is far more stable and in control than the psychotic Ambrose.
- How is this character’s unique voice presented? – When he describes his rationale for selecting his victims and killing them, it’s almost possible to get sucked into his delusion.
- What makes this character special and unique? – A good villain makes a movie.
- (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)
AMBROSE: John, each life I take, it’s a life that’s saved from enormous pain. I see what lies ahead for them. The suffering and the sickness. I see them writhing in agony. I hear them screaming, begging for release. They beg for it, John. And I grant them their wish. Only better. I get there before the wish is even made. I get there before the pain even starts. As for their loved ones, there’s always an autopsy when the existing condition is found. That’s when I see them go from shock to relief. I hear them say things like, “Thank God it was so sudden.” “At least she felt no pain.” In the end, they’re grateful for what I’ve done. That’s why I helped your friend Joe. He had 73 days of horrific pain ahead. Do you know what benefits his family would’ve gotten? Dying of natural causes, 14 years into his career? None. Now his wife gets a pension, putting their son through college. Stanford, actually. You think Joe wouldn’t have taken that deal?
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Anna’s Genre Conventions
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from doing this assignment: I don’t think “thriller” is a perfect fit for my story. Nor are any of the other listed genres. While it has many thriller elements, it is more of a mystery/suspense story with action sequences due to what hero does for work. Nor do I wish to artificially shoehorn all of those elements in as it detracts from the mystery. I found a literary definition of “conventions of the suspense genre” and that appears to be the closest fit.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
Genre: Mystery / Suspense
Main Conflict: Jacob is investigating a series of boat fires that the owners claim were caused by “killer dolphins.”
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Improvements for thriller genre:
Act 1:
- Opening: Before they intercept Gome’s boat, play up the “hide and seek” element of hiding in the fog, waiting to snag fishermen on their way out of port before dawn. We don’t know until they board the ship that this is routine.
- Inciting Incident: Add a shot of an apparently friendly dolphin sticking its head up next to a boat of recreational fishermen. Play up danger to hero’s crew as they pull people off a burning boat.
- Turning Point: Point out the stakes if Jacob doesn’t complete training and come up to speed on catching poachers.
Act 2:
- New plan: When Jacob reports to classes and meets Lorelei, play up the friction between him and the young, idealistic “tree huggers”. Lorelei is very blunt about Jacob’s lack of knowledge.
- Plan in action: Two more “ship explosions.” Add shots of dolphins before Jacob’s team gets called out. Montage of some of the things the Navy trained dolphins to do before they scrapped the program as Jacob pieces together a link between the damaged ships and poaching activities. One of the explosions results in a death.
- Midpoint Turning Point: A major ship accident, this time a ferry. Jacob and his crew are in physical danger as they pull frantic passengers out of the water. Passengers report seeing a pod of dolphins.
- Later that evening, Jacob posits a question in class about whether the dolphins could be acting on their own? Lorelei lets something slip that makes him realize she MIGHT BE THE RINGLEADER.
Act 3:
- Rethink everything: Jacob submits an inquiry into Lorelei’s background, but an order to “back off” comes straight from the Pentagon.
- New plan: Suspecting a cover-up, Jacob becomes more aggressive in investigating the poaching incidents. Meanwhile, two more “boat explosions” occur, larger targets and several deaths. A fellow “coastie” is badly injured.
- Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Jacob spots a pod of dolphins on his ship’s sonar and orders his crew to pursue the creatures, rather than to assist a civilian vessel. The owner shoots at them with a speargun and makes a break for it. Jacob orders his crew to give chase. The ship is swamped, his pilot is badly injured and the eco-terrorist gets away.
- He gets chewed out by his C.O., and then he learns his pregnant wife was rushed to the hospital and may lose their baby. He withdraws from classes at WHO and turns in a request to be transferred (busted back down) to the regular enlisted ranks.
- Lorelei seeks Jacob out. She has insight into what the eco-terrorist is up to and his next target.
Act 4:
- Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Jacob sets up a trap, but an incoming hurricane puts his ship on standby for emergency response. Under cover of the incoming hurricane, the terrorist sends dolphins to attack the target, and then tries to escape, but Jacob chases and his crew rams the boat, causing it to flip over. They search for the terrorist, but are thwarted by the dolphins. Jacob calls in for a search and rescue team, but is told “no go.” A local fishing vessel has sunk in open water and they need him to pilot a rescue team out past the bar.
- Jacob is to pilot a recovery team – including Lorelei — out into the hurricane and 30-foot waves. Gome’s ship capsized. Lorelei unclips the fiberglass shell of her racing wheelchair and, ‘lo! She has a tai! Gomes ship is tangled in a net. It appears the fishermen will drown, but then Lorelei sings. Whales appear and lift Gome’s ship to the surface. Lorelei helps the fishermen swim to safety.
- Resolution: Back on shore, Lorelei invites Jacob to transfer to base where the rest of her people work with the Navy. He gets a call from the hospital. While he was out saving the world, his wife delivered a healthy baby boy.
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Anna’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from doing this assignment: I took my ideas, and plugged them into the formula. Viola! A rough outline.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
Main Conflict: Jacob is investigating a series of boat fires that the owners claim were caused by “killer dolphins.”
Old Ways:
- Cocky
- One of the guys
- Adrenaline junkie
- Risk-taker – both for himself, and sometimes others
- Likes to be the one to save the day
- Insecure in his promotion to an officer
New Ways:
- Still cocky, but more subdued
- Demands respect from subordinates and fellow officers
- Still an adrenaline junkie, but content to quest his thirst for adventure doing a job that he now realizes really matters;
- Puts the safety of his subordinates first
- Is willing to train others
- Secure in his new position as an officer
- Has regained his sense of wonder
Act 1:
- Opening: Jacob Staats is the newly-promoted team leader of a four-man environmental enforcement and public safety response boat for the Coast Guard. They conduct a “safety inspection” on Gomes’ fishing vessel.
- Inciting Incident: Jacob and his team respond to a call from a recreational fishing vessel that “just caught fire” after a pod of dolphins came up and started “butting” their ship. Later that evening, he hears a haunting song and something swims underneath the drawbridge. Then he witnesses a woman arrive in a wheelchair and “hold court” with the local fishermen.
- Turning Point: Jacob learns that the fishing vessel was poaching, but because he hasn’t yet completed his environmental officer training, he let key evidence slip from his grasp. He is ordered to complete training locally – a worldwide expert is teaching at WHO over the summer.
Act 2:
- New plan: Jacob reports to WHO and his new professor is … the woman in the wheelchair.
- Plan in action: Jacob and his crew respond to two more “ship explosions.” While his C.O. laughs off “killer dolphins”, he begins to piece together a link between the damaged ships and poaching activities.
- Midpoint Turning Point: A major ship accident, this time a ferry. Passengers report seeing a pod of dolphins. Later that evening, Jacob posits a question in class about whether the dolphins could be acting on their own to attack poacher’s ships? Lorelei lets something slip that makes him realize she is a worldwide expert in dolphin communication and MIGHT BE THE RINGLEADER.
Act 3:
- Rethink everything: Jacob submits an inquiry into Lorelei’s background, but an order to “back off” comes straight from the Pentagon.
- New plan: Suspecting a cover-up, Jacob becomes more aggressive in investigating the poaching incidents, alienating his wife, his classmates, and neglecting his responsibility to train his crew. Meanwhile, two more “boat explosions” occur.
- Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Jacob spots a pod of dolphins on his ship’s sonar and order his crew to pursue the creatures, rather than to assist a civilian vessel. The owner makes a break for it. Jacob orders his crew to give chase. The ship is swamped, his pilot is badly injured and the eco-terrorist gets away. He gets chewed out by his C.O., and then he learns his pregnant wife was rushed to the hospital and may lose their baby. He withdraws from classes at WHO and turns in a request to be transferred (busted back down) to the regular enlisted ranks.
Act 4:
- Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Lorelei seeks Jacob out. She has insight into what the eco-terrorist is up to and his next target. Jacob sets up a trap, but an incoming hurricane puts his ship on standby for emergency response. Under cover of the incoming hurricane, the terrorist sends dolphins to attack the target, but Jacob and his crew ram the boat, causing it to flip over. They search for the terrorist, but are thwarted by the dolphins. Jacob calls in for a search and rescue team, but is told “no go.” A local fishing vessel has sunk in open water and they need him to pilot a rescue team out past the bar.
- Resolution: Jacob is to pilot a recovery team – including Lorelei – out into the hurricane. Gome’s ship capsized. Lorelei unclips the fiberglass shell of her racing wheelchair and, ‘lo! She has a tai! Gomes ship is tangled in a net, so she can’t get. It appears the fishermen will drown, but then Lorelei begins to sing. Whales appear. They lift Gome’s ship to the surface and Lorelei helps the fishermen swim to safety. Back on shore, Lorelei invites Jacob to transfer to base where the rest of her people work with the Navy. He gets a call from the hospital. While he was out saving the world, his wife delivered a healthy baby boy.
THE END
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Subject Line: Anna’s Subtext Plot
My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from doing this assignment: this was rather fun. A long time brainstorming, and then had to pick our short tidbits for the assignment.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Genre: Thriller
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
Subtext Plot: Someone hides who they are
Secondary subtext plots (fish out of water; scheme and investigation)
How this subtext will play out:
On the Surface: Jacob must learn to coordinate his crew to perform near-shore environmental protection and public safety duties as an officer, all while solving a series of eco-terrorist attacks against boats using “killer dolphins”.
Beneath The Surface: Jacob is dealing with what appears to be a cover up when his environmental professor turns out to have experience training dolphins, but the powers that be tell him to butt out. What is Lorelei hiding?
(….maybe FLIPPERS…?)
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My personal vision: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned from doing this assignment: I gave a lot of thought about old and new ways of relating to help me flesh out my plot and character development.
Protagonist: Jacob Staats
Character Arc:
- Arc Beginning: Jacob isn’t sure if he’s made the correct decision to leave his exciting job as a surfman to take a “promotion” into coastal law enforcement in order to start a family.
- Arc Ending: Jacob is at peace with the world, secure in the knowledge that there are ample mysteries left in the world to explore and his job has meaning.
Internal/External Journey:
- Internal Journey: From cocky, but insecure; to well-reasoned, but secure in his position.
- External Journey: From enlisted man to a seasoned officer who others respect.
Old Ways:
- Cocky
- One of the guys
- Adrenaline junkie
- Risk-taker – both for himself, and sometimes others
- Likes to be the one to save the day
- Insecure in his promotion to an officer
New Ways:
- Still cocky, but more subdued
- Demands respect from subordinates and fellow officers
- Still an adrenaline junkie, but content to quest his thirst for adventure doing a job that he now realizes really matters;
- Puts the safety of his subordinates first
- Is willing to train others
- Secure in his new position as an officer
- Has regained his sense of wonder
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My personal goals: to get my writing mojo back.
What I learned doing this assignment: I’d already given significant thought to the main characters, but this helped me flesh out a few minor characters.
Title: La Sirène (The Mermaid)
Genre: Thriller
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
PROTAGONIST:
- Jacob Staats
- Character Logline: A Coast Guard maverick who must complete environmental certification in order to hang onto his current job.
- Unique: he’s a former surfman who can pilot any ship straight through the straits of hell.
Note: the term “maverick” denotes a former enlisted soldier who was elevated to the rank of officer, usually due to valor or a highly specialized skill.
ANTAGONIST 1:
- Lorelai Saba
- Character Logline: Jacob’s wheel-chair bound oceanography professor has a background in training dolphins – and a possible motive – for the recent eco-terror attacks on fishermen.
- Unique: Shh! Don’t tell anybody. She’s really a mermaid.
ANTAGONIST 2 (Triangle character):
- Identity unknown
- Character Logline: An eco-terrorist who communicates with dolphins to coordinate bombings of poacher’s ships.
- Unique: The terrorist remains in the shadows.
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Anna Burroughs-Merrill’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure!
Anna’s writing vision: To get back into the “flow” with my writing
What I learned from this assignment: I’m familiar with the different types of structure, but this was a nice, succinct, clear explanation.
Title: La Siréne (The Mermaid)
Concept: A Coast Guard maverick suspects that his wheel-chair-bound oceanography professor, who holds the fate of his career in her hands, is involved in a series of terrorist attacks against poachers by killer dolphins.
Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
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Watch 1st time for basic scene components:
· Scene arc: From empty desert to RV racing through the desert with a guy wearing a gas mask which crashes, to the driver making a videotaped confession as police sirens wail in the background.
· Situation: This is the opening scene, we know nothing yet….
· Conflict: There are dead or passed out people in the RV, and the police are chasing him.
· Entertainment value: We don’t know what this is about yet, but we are intrigued.
· Moving the story forward: We believe this has something to do with drugs?
· Setup/payoffs: All setups. 1) RV in the desert used as a drug lab; 2) middle-age nerdy looking white guy in his underwear wearing a gas mask; 3) two dead bodies in the back; 4) a possible third dead body in the passenger’s seat, wearing a gas mask; 5) the dead bodies had guns; 6) the police are chasing them; 7) they crashed – there is no escape; 8) bad acts-the driver videotapes a confession.
Watch 2nd for:
· What makes this scene great? The surreal juxtaposition of the pants flying through the air before getting run over vs. the fact the clothes-hangered button down shirt hanging off the mirror survives the crash. We don’t know what is going on yet, but we are intrigued.
· How 9 pieces of new info are revealed.
1. They are out in the middle of the desert;
2. The driver’s clothing is hung outside the RV / he is driving in his underwear in a gas mask
3. There are glass beakers breaking, and two dead bodies in the back of the RV;
4. There is an unconscious person in the passenger’s seat, also wearing a gas mask – a co-conspirator?
5. The driver can barely see through his fogged-up gas mask (fumes?);
6. There are lots of spilled liquids which pour out of the RV when it crashes;
7. After the RV crashes, the driver meticulously puts his still-pressed button-down shirt and glasses back on (but not his pants, which blew away). Shows character…
8. The two dead bodies were armed when they died;
9. He gets his wallet and video camera from the glove box, runs outside, and videotapes his confession. His name is Walter White, and he is from Alburquerque, New Mexico.
· How each reveal is demanded: As this is the first scene in a brand new television series, we know absolutely nothing about this show or what it is about. Each reveal forces us to ask questions and become intrigued, but nothing is revealed yet except the identity of the driver.
· How some reveals answer questions and create questions at the same time. Most of these reveals cause us to ask questions. We are learning a little bit about the situation and the characters with each reveal, but this scene is pure intriguing setup for things to come.
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Watch 1st time for basic scene components:
• Scene arc – the bridesmaids move from picking the perfect dress; to the bride announcing the nemesis has upstaged the maid of honor / BFF (again) by a wedding dress connection in France; to everybody getting sick from food poisoning and puking/pooping all over the place (including the bride poops in the street).
• Situation – a bridal dress-picking gathering
• Conflict – the maid of honor and newcomer BFF-wannabe are secretly in conflict to upstage one another and win the bride’s affection.
• Moving the story forward – this is a win for the usurper, who is the only one who doesn’t get sick
• Entertainment value – this scene is hilarious
• Setups/payoffs –
o Setup (earlier) – the maid of honor brought them to a shady hole-in-the-wall for lunch before they ended up here.
— Payoff – Food poisoning!
o Setup – the maid of honor can’t afford the dresses and attempts to steer other bridesmaids towards something scaled down.
— Payoff – while the rest of the bridesmaids are sick, the usurper orders 5 copies of the dress she prefers … she wins.
o Setup – Melissa McCarthy’s character is the first to have her stomach rumble when she flops onto the white leather couch.
— Payoff – projectile vomiting and “lava like” diarrhea!
o Setup –the maid of honor insists (despite looking awful) that she isn’t sick;
— Payoff – the usurper calls her on it by forcing her to eat some candied almonds.
o Setup – the bride announces that, thanks to a connection made by the usurper, she has sent her measurements to France to have her dream dress custom-made;
— Payoff – when the store owner loans her a dress by that designer so the other bridesmaids can see what it will look like, the bride humiliates herself by having explosive diarrhea in that dress in the middle of a busy street.
Watch 2nd time for:
• What makes this scene great? This takes a normal bridal fitting, which already often has competing personalities, body-types and budgets, and takes it to a hilarious extreme.
• The escalation on a gradient from “normal to extreme.” – definitely extreme!
• Each step takes us further outside the norm. – Yup…
• Express character on the edge. – the maid of honor is thoroughly humiliated and usurped by the usurper for her friend’s affections.
• Interesting Action and Dialogue – the scene where the maid of honor is too proud to admit she is sick (especially since she picked the restaurant), and the usurper calls her on it by forcing her to eat candied almonds, summarizes the ongoing power struggle between two characters who dislike one another.
MY SCENE TO ESCALATE: SOTG-Archangel
When Pareesa is thrown into the harem, the audacious young warrior clashes with the other
“ladies” when she assumes, because she’s such a badass with a sword, that she can do everything better than they can (and fails). It only shows how badly her “domestic education” suffered compared to other women in her culture as a result of her focus on waging war.
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Scene arc: The scene begins with what appears to be a normal police interrogation where a trio of “suits” use readily available information to intimidate the witness into cooperating. They know Neo is a straight shooter by day, hacks at night, but their insinuations are just that. It gets more sinister when Agent Smith mentions that Neo helps his landlady take the trash out – obviously they have eyes on him. Agent Smith mentions that Morpheus is the most dangerous man alive. Neo declines to help and demands his phone call – isn’t scared by this Gestapo bullshit. Agent Smith then says “that will be hard if you can’t speak” and Neo’s mouth seals shut (freaky!). The agents then pin Neo to a table and insert an insect into his naval. Neo can’t scream as it burrows into his abdomen. Then suddenly he wakes up at home, it was just a dream. Or was it? The telephone rings.
Situation: Neo is interrogated by three agents about Morpheus, refuses to comply.
Conflict: Neo vs. the agents; Neo vs. his own moral compass not to sell out a fellow hacker (Morpheus).
Entertainment value: This scene is entertaining on two different levels; first as a police procedural interrogation scene, and then as a sci-fi scene as it gets bizarre.
Moving the story forward: Neo is forced to make a choice between supporting “the matrix” or supporting a fellow hacker that he doesn’t know all that well yet.
Setup/payoffs: This scene sets up 1) the Agents are overbearing authority figures; 2) Neo won’t willingly roll on a fellow hacker; 3) the sci-fi angle that there is more going on here than is normal; and 4) we know Neo has been bugged, but Neo thinks it was all just a nightmare.
What makes this scene great? That bug … ewww! A great big “nopeburger.” Stuff of nightmares.
How the twist was set up. Agent Smith says “That will be hard if you can’t speak” before Neo’s mouth seals shut.
What happened after the twist. Neo panics. What is happening can’t be real.
How the twist changed the direction and meaning of the scene. Is it technology? Is it magic? Did the Agents slip Neo drugs? Or was it all really just a nightmare? We don’t know yet, but we realize there is something not natural about what is going on.
Interesting action and dialogue. Neo plays the part of a normal, righteous worker until they press him to sell out Morpheus, at which point he shows his true nonconformist streak by giving Agent Smith the finger and demanding his phone call.
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Week 3, Day 1 – Jaws
Scene arc: This is the classic “protagonist sees the monster for the first time” reveal scene. They move from hunting for the shark, to seeing the shark, to hunting the shark and appearing to gain the upper hand, to the shark eluding them.
Situation: Brody, Quint and Hooper see the shark and shoot him with a marker buoy, but the shark apparently escapes.
Conflict: Man vs. nature (shark). There is also conflict between Chief Brody, who has no experience on the ocean (he’s afraid of water), fishing, or how to pilot a boat when he’s asked to drive.
Entertainment value: Very tense when the protagonists first see the shark and then race from front to back to put a spear in it.
Moving the story forward: We see how big this shark is and we fear Brody is right that they are not up to the task.
Setup/payoffs: Setup – boat is not big enough to catch the shark. Payoff – this is the “protagonists see the monster for the first time” scene and we see how big it really is.
What makes this scene great? “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” (Greatest one-liner of “we’re not up to the job” of all time)
What sets up the suspense and causes us to worry? The shark is enormous, 25 feet long. As the three crew members work their way from the back of the boat to the stern, they have to navigate a narrow walkway and could slip into the water (and get eaten!) at any moment. This shark is big enough to seriously damage the boat if it desires.
How is the suspense drawn out? As the three crew members make their way from front to back, their sneakers slip a bit. Will they fall in? And as the shark swims back towards the boat, will he ram it? And towards the end, while Quint is relaxing in the
What increases the suspense? During the first reveal, we catch a glimpse of just how big the shark’s jaws are. He could bite the back of the boat off if he chooses.
What is the payoff in the end? The shark wins … he takes their buoy and swims away.
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Hi everybody!
My name is Anna Burroughs-Merrill. I write sci-fantasy under two different pen names, as well as non-fiction under my real name. I’ve completed two feature scripts (one thriller, one horror) as well as 4:5 seasons of a proposed television series. I also have several unfinished “plot bunny” scripts that were started as part of learning a new skill during a SU class or some other creative endeavor (oh, lost steam….)
What I hope to get out of this class is the motivation to blast through one hell of a case of “finish-itis” (aka writers block) in finishing off the final season of my proposed tv series and give me the glimmerings of (hopefully several) brand new ideas for writing beyond that grand finale. I miss writing “in the flow”.
Unusual? Unique? Special? Strange? We’re creative people. Are we supposed to be some OTHER way? 😀 I’m a second-degree blackbelt in USA Urban GoJu karate, a pretty decent markswoman, I like pretty shiny deadly things, post-apocalyptic fiction & movies, am a suburban homesteader and avid gardener, a Boy Scout mom, and have kids ranging from age 17 to age 37 (so I’ve raised both Millennial and Gen-Z kids … totally different animals). My husband and son are computer engineers, but I’m a avowed Luddite (ask me about the time the GPS failed during a thunderstorm in Scotland and I led everybody out of the Quiraing using my analog wristwatch as a compass).
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1. I, Anna Burroughs-Merrill, do hereby agree to the terms of this release form:
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Anna’s Full-Out Characters
What I learned improving my writing: since the different groups of bad guys who’ve been plaguing different storylines have all come together in Season 5 to work directly for the central villain, it was time to revise their character traits for more interesting betrayals.
My script: SOTG: Archangel (Season 5)
Asmodeus: upon the death of Ba’al Zebub, this traitorous general sees an opportunity to be the #1 guy for the biggest badass on the block – Moloch.
- Original Traits: cynical, ruthless, self-disciplined, violent
- Revised Traits: macho, controlling, self-disciplined, violent
- Subtext: disgruntled because his emperor promoted his childhood rival to lead the armada to secure Earth (for good reason, Shay’tan doesn’t trust him), Asmodeus seized the opportunity to kill the admiral and seize Earth for a different god.
Zahid: not content with betraying his father, Moloch’s new boy-toy seeks to curry a permanent relationship with his powerful lover by sacrificing his sister and niece, but Moloch has other plans.
- Original Traits: fanatical, ruthless, pretentious, insecure
- Revised Traits: fanatical, ruthless, impulsive, insecure
- Subtext: Zahid hates his half-sister and her infant because her mother usurped his own mother’s position in the tribe, but Moloch, who he so desperately wants to please, appears to be more interested in Aturdokht’s relationship with his former lover.
Zepar: secure in his long-running position as Moloch’s most trusted henchman, Zepar views with amusement Asmodeus’ and Zahid’s machinations to usurp his place, but there’s something elase eating away at his boss – a longing to reclaim a lover who betrayed him – and the key to luring back that lover is Aturdokht, Zahid’s half-sister – something Zepar must prevent at all costs.
- Original Traits: cynical, manipulative, obsequious, judgmental
- Revised Traits: cynical, manipulative, meticulous, discreet
- Subtext: Zepar was there in the beginning, when Moloch devoured his own children; he was there to pick Moloch back up when Ki defeated him, or each time the Dark Lord thwarted one of their plans; and he’s here right now, when Moloch is so close to reconstituting his physical form and casting off the need to work through mortal vessels. But lately, Moloch seems more interested in the whereabouts of his unfaithful former lover than he is in executing their final plan.
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Anna’s request for critiques: I’m catching up on some exercises that “life” forced me to skip. If anybody else is trailing behind, please PM me and I’d be happy to exchange feedback. In the meantime, I used the skill mastery techniques to tweak a few things.
LOGLINE: John and his friends sneak into his neighbor’s yard to investigate a possible connection to a missing girl that John likes, but when he engages Nick in a war of wits, he discovers that Nick is a 125-year-old vampire
ESSENCE: A solid knowledge of your own history can unveil a poser.
SCENE:
EXT. NIGHTIME – JOHN’S BACK FENCE
JOHN (age 14), FREDDIE (age 14), and ALLISON (age 13) climb on top of several trash cans lined up alongside a six-foot stockade fence. One of the trash cans, a big Rubbermaid bin, collapses inward, leaving FREDDIE hanging on the fence.
JOHN
Quiet!
FREDDIE
I thought you said it wasn’t sharp?
ALLISON
Nimrod! I told you to climb on the metal barrel.
John’s Jack Russell Terrier, COMET, begins to bark.
JOHN
Quiet, Comet! He’ll hear us.
ALLISON
Shhhh….
FREDDIE
Are you going to help me, or what?
The barrels clatter as Allison leaps down and shoves her galvanized steel garbage can underneath Freddie’s feet. The can rattles as Freddie finishes pulling himself up. Allison carefully climbs up on the barrel beside him, while John climbs up on his own steel barrel. The three of them peer into their neighbor’s backyard.
ALLISON
It looks perfectly normal to me.
JOHN
(points to some zinnias)
Do you see that disturbed earth? There. Next to the shed.
FREDDIE
All I see is flowers.
ALLISON
I can’t see anything. It’s too dark.
JOHN
We’ll sneak in and investigate.
FREDDIE
Are you crazy? I think we should call the police.
JOHN
I already tried that, but my parents wouldn’t believe me, and then Nick convinced the police that he was out with friends.
FREDDIE
I told you not to skip social studies class.
ALLISON
At least not alone…
JOHN
I was trying to find Meghan!
(frustrated)
The police didn’t even look! All they did was repeat back everything Nick said, like the stormtroopers in Star Wars when Obi Wan Kenobi says “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
ALLISON
(mockingly)
Oh, Meghan! You have such lovely blonde hair. Let me ride into the rescue so you’ll talk to me in English class.
JOHN
Knock it off! Meghan is in trouble. I can feel it.
FREDDIE
My teacher thinks Meghan just ran away.
They all stare apprehensively at the neighbor’s house. It’s a perfectly normal Craftsman style home, with a suburban backyard, complete with maple trees, flowering daylilies, and a white picket fence which ends at a tidy looking tool shed.
ALLISON
I thought you said Nick was keeping her inside the shed?
JOHN
I’m not sure what I saw. All I know is that I saw him lead Meghan into the shed, and then a few hours later, he dug a big hole hole—
(gestures at the zinnias)
–and dumped something into it that could have been a body.
ALLISON
What do you mean, -could- have been a body? You told us this morning it was definitely a body.
JOHN
Whatever it was, it was wrapped in a white sheet. It was five feet long. And it bent in the right places to be a human.
FREDDIE
(scared)
Guys? I don’t think this is a very good idea.
Ignoring their reservations, John leaps over the fence, followed by Allison. Freddie clamors over, but his coat gets caught on the wooden pickets and he dangles.
FREDDIE
Help!
JOHN and ALLISON
Shhhh!
COMET resumes yapping from the other side of the fence. Allison helps Freddie get unstuck while John sneaks over to the shed and peers in the windows.
A spotlight goes on, flooding the back yard with 600 watts of daylight. A light turns on inside the back door.
JOHN
Quick! Hide!
Freddie squeaks and runs back and forth like a chicken with its head cut off. John and Allison dive into the narrow space between the shed and the picket fence. They grab Freddie and drag him into the crack with them.
The back door opens. Out steps NICK, well-dressed Eurotrash who appears age 25, but there is something about the way he walks which speaks of a predator.
On the other side of the fence, COMET barks ferociously at the spot where they are hiding.
NICK
Ollie, ollie, encomptree!
He stares into the dark as though he can see them.
NICK (cont’d)
You might be better burglars if your dog didn’t yap.
FREDDIE
We’re not burglars!
JOHN and ALLISON
Shhhhh!
NICK
Then what are you doing breaking into my shed?
JOHN
We weren’t breaking in.
He steps from between the gap.
JOHN (cont’d)
We’re here to sell popcorn. To raise money for Boy Scouts. And we decided to—
ALLISON
(cuts in)
–take a shortcut.
JOHN
Yeah, a shortcut. Over the back fence. Being neighbors and all.
Nick gives them an incredulous look, but for some reason, goes along with it.
NICK
So, you guys are Boy Scouts, eh?
JOHN
Yeah.
Nick points at Allison.
NICK
She’s not a boy.
(mockingly)
And I suppose you’re also selling Girl Scout cookies?
ALLISON
(indignant)
For your information, it’s Scouts BSA now. They accept girls. And I just made second class.
FREDDIE
(stutters)
And I – I – I j-j-just made tenderfoot.
JOHN
And I’m a Life Scout, working on my Eagle.
Nick gives them a calculating look.
NICK
So where’s your popcorn sale sheets?
Allison reaches into her pocket and pulls out a scrap of yellow lined paper and a pen. She speaks at the same time as John.
ALLISON
Here, and I have my pen.
JOHN
(at the same time)
Freddie was carrying them. He dropped them on the other side of the fence.
Nick gives a laugh that sounds like Boris Karloff in a B-grade horror movie.
NICK
I saw him dangling.
(laughs)
So, okay. Say I buy your story. What will you get when you sell enough popcorn?
JOHN
(earnestly)
I’m hoping to fund my Eagle Project.
NICK
Eagle, ey? Don’t you have to reach Star Scout first?
JOHN
Life Scout trumps a Star Scout.
NICK
No it doesn’t.
JOHN
(looks confused)
Yes, it does. You don’t know anything about Boy Scouts.
NICK
Yes I do. I made it to Star Scout. And I definitely out-rank you.
ALLISON and FREDDIE look to one another and snicker.
NICK
What?
JOHN
When were you in Boy Scouts? Back in the dark ages?
NICK
(irritated)
I’ll remind you that you are trespassers here. In the middle of the night. With a lame story about selling popcorn. And now you’re telling me I don’t even know what rank I got?
JOHN
(shrewdly)
That’s not it, at all. We were just wondering how your merit badges stacked up, way-back-when, versus today?
NICK
(proudly)
I had to earn 5 merit badges to make Star Scout—
JOHN
(interrupts)
It’s now 6 merit badges.
NICK
(brusquely)
Whatever—
ALLISON
Did you have to get your pioneering merit badge? That was the coolest.
NICK
I did. And I also got my First Aid merit badge—
JOHN
We all had to do that—
FREDDIE
Yeah.
NICK
–along with taxidermy—
FREDDIE
Ewwww…
NICK
–stalking, and master-at-arms.
JOHN
(confused)
Master-at-arms?
NICK
Hand-to-hand combat.
ALLISON
We’re not allowed to do contact sports anymore. Not even for the sports merit badge.
JOHN
Not for as far back as even my grandfather.
Nick approaches the kids in a menacing “ready stance.”
NICK
These hands are lethal weapons. Especially if I catch hoodlums breaking into my shed.
ALLISON
(gulping)
We weren’t breaking into your shed.
FREDDIE
Yeah! We were looking for Meg—
JOHN kicks Freddie.
FREDDIE (cont’d)
Ouch!
ALLISON
(whispers)
Shut up!
John gets a calculating look.
JOHN
So, since you’ve got so much more experience than us, maybe you’d be willing to counsel me through my gardening merit badge?
Nick dons that look you get before a tasty meal.
NICK
Why, of course. Anything for a fellow scout.
FREDDIE
(whispers)
I thought John got his gardening merit badge last summer?
ALLISON elbows Freddie, hard, in the ribs.
JOHN steps closer to the shed door.
JOHN
I mean, I really admire the way you’re able to get your flowers to grow.
NICK
(with an ominous tone)
The secret is in the fertilizer. Flowers like to feed.
John stops in front of the door.
JOHN
As part of the merit badge, we’re supposed to set up a worm farm. Do you know what the favorite thing for worms to feed on is?
NICK
(dons a creepy smile)
Dead things. The worms just love them.
JOHN
And do you know what other merit badge I just earned recently?
NICK
What?
John puts one hand on the shed’s doorknob. In the floodlights, Nick’s eyes appear to turn solid black.
JOHN
Scouting Heritage. Wanna know the most important thing I learned while earning Scouting Heritage?
NICK
(smugly)
What?
JOHN
That Markmanship got split into Shotgun Shooting and Rifle Shooting back in 1952, which means you’re a lot older than you let on.
With a move that is more panther-like than human, Nick lunges for John. Allison sticks out her foot and trips him. Freddie squeals in a high-pitched voice.
The shed door is locked. John pounds on the door.
JOHN
Meghan! Meghan! Are you in there?
Nick grabs Allison, who stomps on his foot and bites him in the hand. Nick shrieks and stalks towards Allison, who holds out her popcorn-sale pen like a sword.
Freddie backs into the flowerbed.
A hand—
–reaches up—
——out of the soil.
FREDDIE
Ahhhh!
Up out of the dirt, Meghan climbs, dressed in a white shroud with clumps of black soil smeared all over her chalk-white flesh. Her eyes appear black, with no visible iris or white. She bares her fangs and hisses.
NICK
Darling!
Megan’s head jerks in a bird-like motion, first at John, who stands with a confused expression, and then at Allison, and then at the shrieking Freddie.
MEGHAN
So hungry.
She grabs Freddie, her teeth gnashing.
NICK
I brought you supper.
MEGHAN
Hungry.
Meghan bends Freddie backwards to bit his neck.
NICK
Drink, my beautiful bride.
John rushes at Nick, attempting to break his hold on Allison, but Nick darts out of the way, yanking Allison with him. With a hiss, he pushes back Allison’s hair and bares his fangs to bite her jugular.
Suddenly, a small white-and-brown streak leaps across the lawn and bites Nick in the ankle. It’s COMET! He dug a hole beneath the fence. The Jack Russell terrier barks wildly, leaping up and biting Nick in the crotch.
Meghan hisses and drops Freddie.
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Anna’s QE Cycle #2 Scene:
MY NOTE: I missed some of the earlier exercises, and am now going back to finish them up.
LOGLINE: 14-year-old John convinces his friends to sneak into the neighbors back yard to investigate a missing friend, but what John thinks is a clever conversation to prove Nick is lying when he claims he was a fellow Boy Scout leads to the discovery that Nick is really a 125 year old vampire.
ESSENCE: A solid knowledge of your own history can uncover ‘posers.’
SCENE:
EXT. NIGHTIME – JOHN’S BACK FENCE
JOHN (age 14), FREDDIE (age 14), and ALLISON (age 13) climb on top of several trash cans lined up alongside a six-foot stockade fence. One of the trash cans, a big Rubbermaid bin, collapses inward, leaving FREDDIE hanging on the fence.
JOHN
Quiet!
FREDDIE
Ouch! I thought you said it wasn’t sharp?
ALLISON
Nimrod! I told you to climb on the metal barrel.
John’s Jack Russell Terrier, COMET, begins to bark.
JOHN
Quiet, Comet! He’ll hear us.
ALLISON
Shhhh….
FREDDIE
Are you going to help me, or what?
The barrels clatter as Allison leaps down and shoves her galvanized steel garbage can underneath Freddie’s feet. The can clatters as Freddie finishes pulling himself up. Allison carefully climbs up on the barrel beside him, while John climbs up on his own steel barrel. The three of them peer into their neighbor’s backyard.
ALLISON
It looks perfectly normal to me.
JOHN
(points to some zinnias)
Do you see that disturbed earth? There. Next to the shed.
FREDDIE
All I see is flowers.
ALLISON
I can’t see anything. It’s too dark.
JOHN
We’ll sneak in and investigate.
FREDDIE
Are you crazy? I think we should call the police.
JOHN
I already tried that, but my parents wouldn’t believe me, and then Nick convinced the police that he was out with friends.
FREDDIE
I told you not to skip social studies class.
JOHN
I was trying to find Meghan!
(frustrated)
The police didn’t even look! All they did was repeat back everything he said, like the stormtroopers in Star Wars when Obi Wan Kenobi says “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
ALLISON
(mockingly)
Oh, Meghan! You have such lovely blonde hair. Let me ride into the rescue so you’ll talk to me in English class.
JOHN
Knock it off! Meghan is in trouble.
FREDDIE
My teacher thinks Meghan just ran away.
They all stare apprehensively at the neighbor’s house. It’s a perfectly normal Craftsman sized home, with a suburban backyard, complete with maple trees, flowering daylilies, and a white picket fence which ends at a tidy looking tool shed.
ALLISON
I thought you said he was keeping them inside the shed?
JOHN
I’m not sure what I saw. All I know is that I saw him lead Megan into the shed, and then a few hours later, he dug a big hole hole—
(gestures at the spot)
–and dumped something into it that could have been a body.
ALLISON
Wait? What do you mean, -could- have been a body? You told us this morning it was definitely a body—
JOHN
Whatever it was, it was wrapped in a blanket. It was five feet long. And it bent in the right places to be a human.
FREDDIE
(scared)
Guys? I don’t think this is a very good idea.
Ignoring their reservations, John leaps over the fence, followed by Allison. Freddie clamors over, but his coat gets caught on the wooden pickets and he dangles.
FREDDIE
Help!
JACK and ALLISON
Shhhh!
COMET resumes yapping from the other side of the fence. Allison helps Freddie get unstuck while John sneaks over to the shed and peers in the windows.
A spotlight goes on, flooding the back yard with 600 watts of daylight. A light turns on inside the back door.
JOHN
Quick! Hide!
Freddie squeaks and runs back and forth like a chicken with its head cut off. John and Allison hide in the narrow space between the shed and the picket fence. They grab Freddie and drag him into the crack.
The back door opens. Out steps NICK, well-dressed Eurotrash who appears age 25, but there is something about the way he walks which speaks of older aristocracy.
On the other side of the fence, COMET follows them and barks ferociously at the exact spot.
NICK
Ollie, ollie, encomptree!
He walks to the exact spot and stares into the dark as though he can see them.
NICK
You might be better burglars if your dog didn’t yap.
FREDDIE
We’re not burglars!
JOHN and ALLISON
Shhhhh!
NICK
Then what are you doing breaking into my shed?
JOHN
We weren’t breaking in.
He steps from between the gap.
JOHN (cont’d)
We’re here to sell popcorn. To raise money for Boy Scouts. Trail’s End. And we decided to—
ALLISON
(cuts in)
…take a shortcut.
JOHN
Yeah, a shortcut. Over the back fence. Being neighbors and all.
Nick gives them an incredulous look, but for some reason, goes along with it.
NICK
So you guys are Boy Scouts, eh?
JOHN
Yeah.
Nick points at Allison.
NICK
She’s not a boy.
(mockingly)
And I suppose you’re also selling Girl Scout cookies?
ALLISON
(indignant)
For your information, it’s Scouts BSA now. They accept girls. And I just made second class.
FREDDIE
(stutters)
And I – I – I jjj-just made tenderfoot.
JOHN
And I’m a Life Scout, working on my Eagle.
Nick gives them a calculating look.
NICK
So where’s your popcorn sale sheets?
JOHN
(smoothly)
Freddie was carrying them. He dropped them on the other side of the fence as he was coming over.
NICK
I saw him dangling.
(gives a creepy laugh)
So, say I buy your story. What will you get when you sell enough popcorn?
JOHN
(with some earnesty)
I’m hoping to fund my Eagle Project.
NICK
Eagle, ey? Don’t you have to reach Star Scout first?
JOHN
Life Scout trumps a Star Scout.
NICK
No it doesn’t.
JOHN
Yes it does. You don’t know anything about Boy Scouts.
NICK
Yes I do. I was a scout when I was younger. Made it to Star Scout. And I most definitely out-rank you.
ALLISON and FREDDIE look to one another and snicker.
NICK
What?
JOHN
When were you in Boy Scouts? Back in the dark ages?
NICK
(irritated)
I’ll remind you that you are -trespassers- here. In the middle of the night. With a story about selling popcorn. And now you’re telling me I don’t even know what rank I got?
JOHN
(shrewdly)
That’s not it, at all. We were just wondering how your merit badges stacked up, way in the way-back-when, versus today?
NICK
(proudly)
I had to earn 5 merit badges to make Star Scout—
JOHN
(interrupts)
It’s now 6 merit badges.
NICK
(brusquely)
Whatever—
ALLISON
Did you have to get your pioneering merit badge? That was the coolest.
NICK
I did. And I also got my First Aid merit badge—
JOHN
We all had to do that—
NICK
–along with taxidermy—
FREDDIE
Ewwww…
NICK
–stalking, and master-at-arms.
JOHN
(confused)
Master-at-arms?
NICK
Hand-to-hand combat.
ALLISON
Hand-to-hand combat? We’re not allowed to do contact sports. Not even for the sports merit badge.
Nick approaches the kids in a menacing “ready stance.”
NICK
These hands are lethal weapons. Especially if I catch hoodlums breaking into my shed.
ALLISON
(gulping)
We weren’t breaking into your shed.
FREDDIE
Yeah! We were looking for Meg—
JOHN kicks Freddie.
FREDDIE (cont’d)
Ouch!
ALLISON
(whispers)
Shut up!
John glances at Allison, and then gets a calculating look.
JOHN
So since you’ve got so much more experience than us, then maybe you’d be willing to counsel me through my gardening merit badge?
Nick dons that look you get before a tasty meal.
NICK
Why, of course. Anything for a fellow scout.
FREDDIE
(whispers)
I thought he already got his gardening merit badge last summer?
ALLISON elbows Freddie, hard, in the ribs.
JOHN steps closer to the shed door.
JOHN
I mean, I really admire the way you’re able to get your flowers to grow. You just planted them, and it looks like they’re ready to take over?
NICK
(with an ominous tone)
The secret is in the fertilizer. Flowers like to feed.
John stops in front of the door.
JOHN
For example, as part of the merit badge, we’re supposed to set up a worm farm. Do you know what the favorite thing for worms to feed on is?
NICK
(dons a creepy expression)
Dead things. The worms just love them.
JOHN
And do you know what other merit badge I just earned recently?
NICK
What?
John puts one hand on the shed’s doorknob. In the floodlights, Nick’s eyes appear to turn solid black.
JOHN
Scouting Heritage. And do you know what important thing we learned while earning Scouting Heritage?
NICK
(appears smug)
What?
JOHN
That Markmanship got split into Shotgun Shooting and Rifle Shooting back in 1952, which means you’re a lot older than you let on.
With a move that is more panther-like than human, Nick lunges for John. Allison sticks out her foot and trips him. Freddie squeals in a high-pitched voice.
The door is locked. John pounds on the door.
JOHN
Meghan! Meghan! Are you in there?
Nick grabs Allison, who stomps on his foot and bites him in the hand. Nick shrieks and stalks towards Allison, who holds out her popcorn-sale pen like a sword.
Freddie backs into the flowerbed.
A hand—
–reaches up—
——out of the soil.
FREDDIE
Ahhhh!
Up out of the dirt, Meghan climbs, dressed in a white shroud with clumps of black soil smeared all over her chalk-white flesh. Her eyes appear black, with no visible iris or white. She bares her fangs and hisses.
NICK
Darling!
Megan’s head jerks in a bird-like motion, first at John, who stands with a confused expression, and then at Allison, and then at the shrieking Freddie.
MEGHAN
So hungry.
She grabs Freddie, her teeth gnashing.
NICK
I brought you supper.
MEGHAN
Hungry.
NICK
Eat, my beautiful bride.
Meghan grabs Freddie and bends him backwards to bit his neck. Nick grabs Allison. John rushes at him, attempting to break Nick’s hold, but Nick darts easily out of the way, yanking Allison with him.
Nick pushes back Allison’s hair and bares his fangs.
Suddenly a small white-and-brown streak leaps through the air and bites Nick. It’s COMET! He dug a hole beneath the fence. The Jack Russell terrier barks wildly, biting Nick on the ankles.
Meghan hisses and drops Freddie.
-
Anna’s reveals:
MY script: SOTG – Archangel (s.5, ep.2)
Logline: Jamin and Gita each have answers, but no longer trust one another enough to be totally forthcoming.
Reveals:
- Reveal #1: Gita and Jamin are cousins.
- Reveal #2: Gita once visited the Tomb of Tiamet. She may be the only person left in existence who knows where it is. But she’s not about to tell Jamin because she no longer trusts him.
- Reveal #3: Aturdokht currently has the necklace, but Jamin doesn’t wish to tell Gita about either Aturdokht … or Lucifer.
- Reveal #4: Wait, what? Seven dragons?
What are the characters hiding from each other? Jamin doesn’t wish to reveal he is Lucifer’s lover. Gita doesn’t wish to reveal that, like him, she is under a death sentence and can never return home.
What do I want to hide from the audience? The puzzle pieces regarding Tiamet, and her trap, will come together over 8 episodes of the season, so I only want to drip drip drip.
Deeper meanings: Gita and Jamin are both descendants of Tiamet. They just don’t know it yet.
—–
INT. – PRINCE OF TYRE – HALLWAY
JAMIN pulls a small, black box out of his satchel and holds it out. Her expression turns from distrust to curiosity.
GITA
What is it?
JAMIN
I want you to tell me.
GITA
Slide it over—
(she gestures with her knife)
–slowly. Or I’ll reopen that hole in your belly with a brand-new wound.
Jamin slides the box across the floor.
Gita’s hands tremble as she picks up the box. She traces a thirteen-pointed star inlaid with silver into the lacquer, and then looks up, her eyes filled with wonder.
GITA
Where did you get this?
JAMIN
It belonged to my mother.
GITA
It belonged to the goddess who founded our temple.
JAMIN
So, it’s true?
GITA
(angry)
That my mother was a whore?
JAMIN
No.
(he gestures at the box)
What the old woman told you? That your mother, and my mother, were sisters?
GITA
(shrugs)
How would I know? She was about to be sacrificed to Moloch.
Jamin looks thoughtful.
JAMIN
It’s possible, you know?
GITA
(scoffs)
That we’re related? The son of a chief, and the daughter of a drunk?
JAMIN
Mama wasn’t Ubaid. But the Chief forbade anyone ask where she was from.
He moves towards Gita, his expression tormented.
JAMIN (cont’d)
Gita, please? Tell me what you know?
Gita skitters back, her knife held up to protect herself. The ship convulses as it senses her distress. Gita stares at him like a cornered animal. Jamin moves back to his own side of the hallway.
Gita stares through him, her expression haunted.
GITA
Her name was Tiamet. They say she gave birth to seven dragons.
JAMIN
Dragons? Like Emperor Shay’tan?
GITA
The lizard god?
JAMIN
Yes.
GITA
I don’t think so. The dragons were benevolent, not evil like the lizard-men.
Jamin almost contradicts her, but thinks better of it. Instead, he says:
JAMIN
My mother also had a necklace, lapis-lazuli, with golden beads, and a carved black pendant that looks like a winged crocodile holding up that—
(he points at the box)
–exact star.
GITA
(gasps)
My mother brought me to a cave which had that symbol carved into the door.
JAMIN
Where?
Gita’s expression turns distrustful.
GITA
Where is the necklace now?
JAMIN
I gave it away.
GITA
To who?
JAMIN
(sighs)
To Roshan. Marwan’s son-in-law.
Gita’s expression turns from confusion, to disbelief.
GITA
You gave your dead mother’s necklace to our enemies?
JAMIN
(irritated)
If you recall, I was trying to rescue your cousin, my fiancé, who was being held a prisoner at Mikhail’s sky canoe!
Gita clamps a hand over her mouth to suppress a laugh. She takes a steadying breath.
GITA
That’s unfortunate. It might have given us a few more clues. Where can we find this Roshan?
Jamin’s expression grows grim.
JAMIN
We can’t. Mikhail killed him.
—–
What I learned doing this assignment? Its better to drip-drip-drip and hint at future reveals.
-
Scene Arc: Batman interrogates the Joker to find out where he is holding Rachel and Arthur Dent. The Joker mocks Batman’s attempts to act intimidating, and tells him that he’ll make him break his one rule (to not kill). Batman shoves a chair under the door so the police can’t intervene, and then beats the Joker, but Joker tells Batman that rules are useless, there is nothing he can threaten him with because he has nothing to lose. He then tells Batman that he must choose which person he wants to save, and gives him two separate addresses on opposite ends of Gotham.
- Situation: The Joker has taken Rachel and Harvey Dent hostage and is threatening to kill them.
- Conflict: Lawful good vs. chaotic evil.
- Entertainment value: We want to see Batman beat the Joker to a bloody pulp so he can save Rachel.
- Moving the story forward: This scene sets up the “choice” Batman makes between love and hope for a better future for the city.
- Setup/payoffs: Sets up the choice of saving either Rachel or Harvey Dent, but not both.
- What makes this scene great? Heath Ledger. That serpent-like “tongue” thing he does, and the weird mouth-popping noises, plus the Tourette’s-like head shakes and inappropriate giggles really accentuate how utterly INSANE the Joker is. My lord, this role literally killed him. 🙁
- How these two enemies are similar and how they are different: Both wear costumes, hide their identities, and act outside the law, but the Joker wants to see the world burn down, whereas Batman wants a better world where predators don’t prey upon the weak (as he once was).
- What are their motivations for being in this relationship? The Joker has been wreaking utter chaos in the city, whereas Batman wants law and order.
- Interesting action and dialogue. Batman is threatening and intimidating, but his “gig” is useless against an enemy who doesn’t care about anything than causing chaos.
Rethink or create a scene showing the relationship between your protagonist and antagonist using your new insights and rewrite the scene.
- My screenplay: SOTG Archangel, Season 5 – the final showdown
- While my primary villain isn’t as batshit crazy as the Joker, he’s a vengeful old god, and he wants to see the world burn down in much the same way (literally). My villain is more like if Adolf Hitler and Hannibal Lecter had a baby. Since I’m dealing with an entire 8-episode season of a proposed television series, I really need to think on what “mannerisms” I can add to accentuate his evil.
“What I learned rewriting my scene…?” is that mannerisms matter.
-
Peter Parker is in his high school cafeteria, eating lunch, when his strange ability to shoot spiderwebs gets him in trouble with the class bully. The bully tries to beat him up in front of the entire school, but to his surprise, not only does he dodge all of the punches, but he also punches him down the hallway. Alas, his momentary sense of accomplishment is ruined when the bully’s buddy calls him a freak and Peter runs away from his friends.
- Scene arc: From “new abilities revealed” to “standing up to the bully” to “triumph” to “shame.”
- Situation: Peter has newfound superpowers.
- Conflict: Level I: Peter vs. his new abilities; Level II: Peter vs. the class bully.
- Moving the story forward: Peter has new abilities, but has no idea how to use them.
- Entertainment value: This scene is FUNNY. Who doesn’t want the skill to suddenly best the class bully?
- Setups/payoffs: we catch glimpses of Peter’s newfound superpowers, including the ability to shoot super-strong spiderwebs, his spidey-senses, and his phenomenal agility, strength and speed.
- What makes this scene great? This was “coming of age” with a superhero twist.
- How is the reveal demanded by the situation? Peter’s newfound abilities are as much of a surprise to him as they are to his classmates.
- How does the scene reveal Peter Parker’s powers through action? Peter reacts well to suddenly having spider powers; but although he prevails against the bully, he first attempts to evade the punches, and once he does punch the bully, he only uses enough force to get the bully to stop.
- How does Peter and others react to the reveal? Peter is just as surprised as his classmates that he prevailed against the class bully, although only he knows that this isn’t something that has a logical explanation (as far as his classmates know, he’s been taking karate or some other logical explanation).
- From a writing perspective, not only does this portray how freaked out Peter is at his own abilities, but the fact the tray drags behind him and then gets stuck in the door (super strong webs) reveals this is not just an ordinary spiderweb. Also, as the bully is pursuing him down the hall and suddenly Peter is slow-motion super-aware of everything going on around him was beautifully done.
What I learned while rewriting my own scene?
- My script: SOTG: Archangel (season 5)
- My changes: I’ve got several characters whose natural abilities have developed supernatural edges that will provide an opportunity to use these types of reveals. Mikhail has to embrace his ability to wield void matter; Ninsianna must set aside her misgivings and harness her grandfather’s dark gift; Gita realizes she can do a hell of a lot more than simply hide in the dark; and “little weapon of mass destruction” Pareesa is forced to (gasp) develop feminine wiles! It will take time to tweak these throughout the entire season, but I’ve added notes to certain scenes where I can have a bit of fun.
-
Basic scene components:
- Scene arc: Chris is meeting his (white, wealthy) girlfriend’s family and neighbors. What at first appears to be awkward virtue-signaling by old white rich people attempting to be welcoming of another race takes on an uncomfortable tone when the partygoers treat Chris like a fashionable piece of meat. The awkwardness goes off the rails when Chris spots Andre, another black man, and says “its good to see another brother.” Despite sharing the same skin-color and (young) age, Andre displays all of the same fossilized mannerisms of the other attendees.
- Situation: Chris, an African-American, has gone with his girlfriend to meet her very wealthy parents and their neighbors.
- Conflict: what at first appears to be interracial awkwardness leaves us feeling uneasy – there is something else going on here. We just haven’t figured out what.
- Entertainment value: Doesn’t everybody feel like Chris when thrown into a gathering of fossilized old rich people?
- Moving the story forward: This scene is another piece of the puzzle of “something just doesn’t feel right about my girlfriend’s family.”
- Setup/payoffs: This scene is largely setups for payoffs that will come later: Neilson nodding approvingly as Lisa manhandles Chris’ muscles, the neighbor stating “black is now fashionable,” and Andre’s bizarre behavior like an old white rich dude.
- What makes this scene great? The feeling of unease that something just isn’t “right” about this family.
- How does each character speak and act from their unique character profiles? Chris is diplomatic enough to say “I’m going to go take some pictures” rather than tell off the bizarre partygoers and upset his girlfriend. He is trying very hard to do this for her. His girlfriend appears uncomfortable with the bizarre behavior, but she doesn’t tell them off, either, which we assume is likely for the same reason (don’t piss off the family, she wants them to accept Chris). The old rich folks virtue-signaling are just that, typical old rich folks who are rude without necessarily meaning to be (though, seriously?) At first you think “hidden racism” and trying to try too hard to show otherwise, but, yeah, no … that just isn’t it. But Andre is so terribly OUT of character as who you would first presume him to be that it strikes the appropriate warning-bell of discord.
- Unique character action and dialogue. I’d have to give that to Andre, as he is so deliciously OUT of character for what you would expect.
How can these insights improve my own script?
Quiet subtext is what moves this scene forward. You expect it to be awkward meeting your girlfriend’s parents and family for the first time, especially if you share a different race, culture or religion, but there are so many things “wrong” with this otherwise cordial gathering that it sets off your warning bells without being able to put your finger on what exactly is wrong? Luckily, it just so happens that I have a place where I can use this insight.
- Script: Archangel
- Scene: Kasib witnesses Asmodeus argue with General Hudhafah argue over who should have control of F.O.B. Ugarit.
- Situation: At last, the long-overdue armada has arrived, but it is not what either General Hudhafah, or his loyal aide-de-camp, Lieutenant Kasib, expect. Asmodeus claims that the crew mutinied enroute and murdered the Admiral and a significant part of the crew, but something is “off” about the condition of the men who claim they are starving.
- What I learned rewriting my scene? I’ll have to go through several more times to make the subtext even more subtle, but the armada is, in fact, the mutineers, and not the good guys who were killed, and they are following orders from a much more ancient god than Emperor Shay’tan.
-
Basic scene components:
- Scene arc: Harry Burns begins the scene smug in his bachelorhood and sexual prowess, but then his friend Sally Albright pokes holes in his self-image by faking an orgasm in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
- Situation: opposite sex friends, Harry and Sally, are debating his “love ‘em and leave ‘em” lifestyle over lunch.
- Conflict: Sally finds her friend Harry’s blasé attitude about casual sex to be offensive.
- Entertainment value: this is one of the most hilarious movie scenes ever written.
- Moving the story forward: Sally has poked holes in Harry’s “player” self-image.
- Setup/payoffs: I’ve never actually watched this entire movie, so I can only guess.
- What makes this scene great? The audacity of Sally to fake an orgasm in a public place to teach a friend an important lesson.
- How does each character speak and act from their unique character profiles? Harry is cool, calculating, and rather callous. Sally is warm, passionate, and funny.
- Unique character action and dialogue. Most of the “dialogue” is Sally faking an orgasm in response to Harry’s “never happen” scoff-off that some women fake it. But the funniest line is the older woman saying “I’ll have whatever she’s having” at the end of the scene.
How can these insights improve my own script?
Script: Archangel
Insights: this is season 5 of a proposed television series, so over the course of the previous 4 seasons my main protagonist has gone from stiff, aloof, and “I’m not good at being human” to, well, he’s still rather formal and watchful, but with people he’s become close with, he occasionally displays emotion and warmth. Now that he’s got his wife back, and she’s on a rampage to get their son back from the villain, it might be fun to have him be the warmer and more personable of the two when attempting to interact with potential allies (she used to be very warm and passionate like Meg Ryan’s character, but Mama Bear’s gotta Mama Bear).
What I learned rewriting my scene? I rewrote a scene where they first encounter one of the villains minions who Ninsianna charmed into helping her. For two seasons, all this guy heard about was how her husband was going to kick his ass, and then he witnessed at the end of last season Mikhail ruthlessly slaughter the entire Sataanic battalion that stood between him and his wife, so the dude, who is no alpha male, is trembling, like literally shitting his pants, and Mikhail is like, “Hey, dude, so Ninsianna says you are chill?” Not sure I’ll keep it that way, but it was fun to play with.
-
What I learned from this assignment?
Just throw your darlings right into the middle of the chaos and don’t explain it.
-
Basic scene components —
Scene arc: Jack moves from being wounded and confused, to administering aid, to taking charge.
Situation: their plane has crashed and there are survivors.
Conflict: confused, wounded people are milling about a plane wreck that could explode at any moment.
Moving the story forward: when seconds count, help is hours away.
Entertainment value: who doesn’t love a good disaster flick?
Setups/payoffs: lots of setups, not just for Jack’s character, but also other characters that we will get to know later by their reactions. We see he knows how to administer first aid (later we learn he’s a surgeon).
What makes this scene great? We are as confused as Jack is, and we see him shine.
How is this lead character introduced, and who they are introduced to us as? Its readily obvious that Jack wants to help people, and is a natural leader.
What makes him special or unique? He’s a natural leader who is able to organize other people to help.
Interesting dialogue. Exchanges are quick and terse as would be expected to save lives in a disaster situation.
How are their actions different than everyone else? While everybody else is milling about, Jack quickly organizes the other passengers to help one another in a meaningful way.
Rethink your own character’s introductions: the first scene introduces the villain, the ticking clock, and the villain’s plan through the eyes of a minor character who will be the “witness” to ultimate evil. This introduction to Lost, the chaos, and the main scene-POV character not really understanding what is going on, but revealing the characters of not just herself, but the villain and the various minions that the central hero will be battling, is really helpful to just throw her INTO the chaos and not feel a need to explain it.
-
What I learned doing this assignment? My characters have changed over the prior 4 seasons, so its only natural some of their traits would adapt to the current circumstances. I’m not going to post my entire character-to-character worksheets as they’re like 20 pages long 🙂 just the summary.
- Mikhail: change deadly to driven = before Mikhail avoided being “the leader”, but to get back his son, he will align with and lead whoever will help him do that.
- Ninsianna: change vengeful to ruthless = vengeful mothers don’t always stop and think about how to get what they want, whereas ruthless mothers will meticulously plot and then carry out their plan.
- Aturdokht: change vengeful to resourceful = whereas in past seasons she wanted revenge against the man who killed her husband, Mikhail is the only person who is capable of defeating Moloch. She begins to secretly help him track them.
- Moloch: change evil to megalomaniac = it’s really hard to depict “evil.” Oh, let’s just strangle some cute kittens, and then kick the dog, and murder a few random women, la-la-la. Whereas megalomania is so much more concrete to depict.
-
What I learned rewriting my scene:
Like in Se7en, I already have a situation where the villain attempts to provoke the hero into overreacting and thereby succumbing to the rage he fears most, and he nearly succeeds. It was interesting to contemplate what it would look like if the hero succumbs to that rage, but in the end, I am keeping my own final scene.
I’ve added a note about creating a setup earlier in the season where the villain has something additional to antagonize the hero into almost losing it even further. I haven’t decided what that “it” might be yet, though. I’m already tying up a lot of loose ends that haven’t paid off yet from the prior 4 seasons plus this one.
-
I chose “Se7en” because I never liked the final scene in “American Beauty.”
Basic Scene Components:
- The serial killer agrees to take the detectives to the bodies of his other victims. He takes them to remote high-tension power lines, to a box.
- Somerset opens the box, and then recoils in horror. He tells the police helicopter to pull back, no matter what happens.
- Meanwhile the serial killer tells Mills that he admired his life, tried to “play husband” to his wife, but it didn’t work out, so he took her pretty head.
- Mills recoils in disbelief, horror and grief.
- Somerset runs towards Mills, shouting….
- The serial killer rubs salt in the wound by revealing his wife was pregnant, so he took two lives.
- Somerset places himself between Mills and the serial killer, says if he kills him, the serial killer will win.
- The serial killer continues to rub salt in the wound until Mills shoots him in the head, thereby completing the serial killers Seven Deadly Sins theme of “wrath.”
Scene Arc: We move from thinking the police have solved the case, to the police becoming the case.
Situation: will Mills kill the serial killer, thereby completing his seventh deadly sin of “wrath?”
Conflict: the police want to solve the crime and serve justice, but in the end, justice is served in a way (an execution) which turns the police into the killers.
Moving the Story Forward: this is a horrifying end to a horrifying thriller.
Entertainment Value: Twist the knife, oh! Twist the knife, oh!
Setups and Payoffs: by killing the serial killer, Mills completes the seventh deadly sin.
How does this bring the movie to a conclusion? By shooting the serial killer in the head, instead of trusting the judicial system to bring “justice” to the killer, Mills completes the villain’s sick plan to enact a seventh deadly sin.
How this shows the new status-quo: the police are now the killers.
How it is a satisfying ending: you want to see Mills shoot the killer in the head for what he has done.
Delivering character: the serial killer is cold, emotionless, logical and absolutely chilling; while Mills grief-stricken reaction is totally believable; and the look on Somerset’s face when he opens that box and sees the victim is somebody he knows and realizes the villain’s final plan breaks through his mask of impartiality as a detective.
Delivering Dialogue, Especially the Last Line of the Movie:
- “Come to me, Wrath,” said Doe.
- “If you kill him, he will win,” said Somerset.
- Mills shoots Doe in the head…
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What I learned rewriting my scene?
At this point, my “rewrite” is more scribbled notes and drabbles in the existing script, as this is the climax of a 5-season television series, not just a 2 hour movie, and I keep “discovering” loose ends that need to be paid off. But I’ve added a bit of back-and-forth in the dialogue, and also a moment where the hero reflects on the consequences of unleashing his dark gift.
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I chose “A Few Good Men“
Scene Arc: Kaffee moves from a position of weakness and hopelessness to outwitting his opponent by poking at his arrogance and his anger.
Situation: If Kaffee can’t get Jessup (who knew Santiago was under medical restriction) to admit he ordered the Code Red which resulted in Santiago’s death, and then covered it up, his clients will go to prison for life for murder.
Conflict: a relatively inexperienced JAG attorney must get the military to admit they hazed and caused one of their “weak” Marine’s deaths despite a cover-up.
Moving the Story Forward: this is the climax of the entire movie, so it has to deliver explosive reveals.
Entertainment Value: this is a very tense scene.
Setups / Payoffs: this scene has to payoff all the earlier setups in the movie which hinted that this colonel quite literally ordered one of his men to be killed because they were “weak.”
How is this scene the ultimate expression of the conflict? By cross-examining Jessup with the rigor necessary to provoke an admission, it could cost Kaffee his own career. The military is more interested in maintaining decorum – even when it is wrong – than it is in learning the truth.
The escalation of the conflict? The final twist at the end of the scene: Jessup reveals, not only how difficult and thankless his job is to make sure the “wall gets guarded” (creating empathy for Jessup, and humanizing his disgust at Santiago’s weakness), but it also highlights Jessup’s arrogance that he gets to decide which things he does to protect that wall and society doesn’t want to know about it. That Kaffee was able to prod Jessup’s ego enough to get him to shout that he ordered the Code Red is the ultimate payoff.
Intriguing Dialogue: “You can’t handle the truth!” has to be one of the greatest movie quotes of all time.
The final payoffs: Kaffee not only gets his admission, and justice for his clients, but he also gets grudging respect from his friendly-adversary, the prosecutor.
———-
My own climax scene: I enjoyed the cat-and-mouse dialogue in “A Few Good Men.” While my final showdown is primarily an action scene, since my villain is a megalomaniac, I’m rethinking some of the back-and-forth taunting of the hero by the villain as they prepare to fight, especially before the hero reveals he has gained (tenuous) control of his own power.
What I learned doing this assignment? Making sure all your “setups” pay off at the end.
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I chose the Bridesmaids clip.
Most of the misery in Annie’s life is her sabotaging herself with poor choices, but things go from bad to worse when she allows her insecurity about the wealthy, beautiful Helen upstaging her job as “Maid of Honor” and best friend of the bride to provoke her into a temper-tantrum. Her destruction of the cookie and dive into the chocolate fountain are absolutely hilarious because they are so typical of the “id” which resides in all of us (but which most of us learned to suppress once we were no longer toddlers). This results in her getting disinvited from Lillians wedding. Its the final nail in the coffin of an already-shitty life.
From here, she can only go up (we hope).
This turning point is very different from the Act 3 break my current WIP takes (which will rip the audience’s heart out as I kill a favorite character in a very sadistic and gratifying way), but the concept can be used at the other turning points in my script.
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What I learned from this assignment?
Because my current WIP is the final season of a 5-season sci-fantasy television series, I’ve been having a hard time nailing down the “season” turning points versus the “episode” turning points. Its made me realize that I need to do some more macro-outlining to get the various plot-lines to all turn on a much more clearly delineated “season” vein.
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What makes this scene great?
- It’s a “contained movie” in that it takes place in a single room, with 12 jurors.
- We never get to see the trial itself, but learn through hearsay, which is kind of how the jury views the evidence as passive witnesses.
- Juror #8 isn’t necessarily convinced the defendant is innocent, but more concerned with doubts he feels that the prosecution did not meet its burden of proof. He feels strongly enough about his apprehension that he stands firm despite ridicule and condemnation from the other jurors.
- Its clear from the other jurors’ body language and dialogue that some of them view the trial as a mere inconvenience, something to get over with as quickly as possible so they can get on with their lives, while others are “followers” who voted guilty for various reasons which boil down to “the government is always right” or “go along to get along.”
- There are 12 setups for eventual payoffs of why each juror votes the way they do.
- It has a clear scene arc of “lets see where we all stand” to “okay, its up to us to convince Juror #8 why we are right and he is wrong” (which is actually how the American justice system is supposed to work).
My own inciting incident:
- I’d previously done quite a bit of revision on my inciting incident (its one of my less problematic scenes). I’ve read through it (after reading my fellow classmate’s comments) and made a few minor tweaks. But I’ve got a different scene which is a bleeding hot pile of dog crap that I think applying these skills will help.
What I learned from this assignment?
- It really helped me identify certain ELEMENTS that need to be present in every scene (in this case, the inciting incident since it has so many setups and payoffs).
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What makes this a great scene?
It opens in media res.
- We open, not with the villain, but with other characters talking about the villain while they are in the middle of a bank heist.
- …he wears makeup….
- We see a character’s back, hunched over, holding a clown mask, before he gets picked up, but he does not speak. We learn there are six men on the job.
- The emergency alarm doesn’t dial 9-1-1, but a private number. Who? Batman, maybe?
- The clowns put grenades in the bank patrons hands.
- As soon as one villain completes their task, another one kills them, increasing the others shares.
- The safe-crackers get jolted with 10,000 volts of electricity. Who does that? The mob!
- The bank manager takes the surprising action of blowing out the windows with a shotgun and stalking the robbers, saying “do you know who you’re stealing from? You’re dead men.”
- But then the silent clown blasts the bank manager, after he shoots the other clown.
- The two clowns then ask who is supposed to shoot who, and the silent clowns says “I’m supposed to shoot the bus driver.” What bus driver?
- The back-end of a school-bus crashes into the building. The silent clown shoots the other robber, and then shoots the bus driver, as soon as the bus is loaded.
- The bank manager talks about “honor among thieves”. The last clown puts a grenade in the bank manager’s mouth, and then takes off his mask. It’s the Joker, and he’s wearing garish makeup.
- “I believe what doesn’t kill you makes you stranger.”
- As the bus drives away and pulls the pin on the grenade, we expect the bank to blow up, but it merely puts out smoke.
- The school bus slides into a line of other school busses leaving school, driving right past the clueless police cars (not shown in the clip).
How can these concepts improve my own opening scene?
- It won’t work for me to open with an “unknown villain” as the villain is already known to the audience, but having my main character learn what is going on from other “new minions” talking about the villain and what he does to prisoners – and to those who please him — would cut out a lot of boring backstory and raise the stakes.
What I learned rewriting my scene…?
- Batman’s opening scene isn’t a good fit for my own work-in-progress, but having other characters talk to each other about the villain’s plan as my POV character is dragged before him rather than blah-blah-blah helped raise the stakes.
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I’m Anna, attorney by day, and then by night, I kill off opposing counsel, recalcitrant judges, and annoying parties opponent (and even sometimes my OWN clients) in original and sadistic ways. Shhh!!! Don’t tell anybody! I plead the fifth!
I’m primarily a fiction writer, but I’m an alumni of ProSeries 60, as well as Bingeworthy Bootcamp and a bunch of shorter classes. “Master of Fine Arts” degree literary programs really suck… Hal teaches the skills. So here I am. Crappy screenwriter, but master of complex sci-fantasy world-building, and killing characters.
I’ve got three completed scripts (a post-apocalyptic thriller, a contemporary fantasy drama, and a horror story), about a half-dozen “plot bunnies” that I started for various classes and never finished, and am currently 4/5th of the way finishing a proposed television series. I’ve got some real difficult scenes that just aren’t working. They need to be “cinematic.” And they need to rip your heart out. So here’s to hoping I can use this class to iron the bugs out.
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As a member of this group, I, Anna Burroughs-Merrill, agree to the following terms of this release form:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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REWRITE #2 of Scene 5: just a few more tweaks.
Would appreciate any feedback people have time to give.
———————
LOGLINE: Senator Trentus, who uses the illusion of wealth to improve his lowborn family’s social standing, discovers he’s been sabotaged by the conspiring Senator Robulus.
ESSENCE: Trentus might be manipulative and power-hungry, but he serves an ideal.
———————-
INT. LATE AFTERNOON – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS
ROBULUS METTELUS FLACCUS, a Roman Senator, reclines upon a couch in the center of the chamber, somewhat inebriated as a SLAVE GIRL pours a glass of wine. Three rows of seats surround the raised dais, filled with other SENATORS, their SLAVES, and vats of wine, cheese, and various fruits and snacks.
ROBULUS
It’s a disgrace, allowing freedmen to hold government positions. What will the Claudius do next?
(gestures at the slaves)
Appoint slaves to replace the Senate?He is rebuked by SENATOR TRENTUS QUINTUS MARCELLUS.
TRENTUS
My father was a freedman. He went on to become a successful vintner.SENATOR A
(holds up his goblet)
And a fine vintage you’ve provided for us all today, Trentus.OTHER SENATORS
Hear, hear!SENATOR A pinches the SLAVE GIRL who is pouring him another glass of wine in the ass.
SENATOR A
–not to mention, the most luscious fruit.The SLAVE GIRL squeals half-heartedly. She looks to TRENTUS, who gives her a grim nod. The SLAVE GIRL bends over SENATOR A, giving him a view of her ample bosom.
TRENTUS
Fruit which will grow even more abundant if you support my family’s petition to expand our vineyards into Thrace?SENATOR A
(staring at the SLAVE GIRL’s bosom)
You shall have my vote.ROBULUS holds out his empty wineglass, but the SLAVE GIRL whispers something which makes SENATOR A laugh. ROBULUS rearranges his toga self-consciously over his fat-rolls.
TRENTUS raises his goblet.
TRENTUS
To Emperor Claudius. Thanks to his exploits in Brittania, he’s restored the public treasury, and now he’s brought peace to Judea.ROBULUS
Claudius can’t bring peace to his own household, much less Rome. They say his wife, Messalina, has sex—A loud commotion comes from the entrance of the Temple.
ROBULUS
–with his entire praetorian guard.OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)The commotion grows louder. A ROMAN CENTURIAN forces his way past the guards and lunges towards ROBULUS. There is blood splattered on his armor.
CENTURIAN
(shouts)
Your intrigues just cost me the lives of three of my men.ROBULUS
(glances furtively)
I have no idea what you speak of.CENTURIAN
Liar! You sent me to expose his infidelities—
(he points at TRENTUS)
–not thwart the Emperors attempt to negotiate a truce with Thrace.ROBULUS
(looks panicked)
Guards! Get this freedman out of the chamber.The GUARDS move to intercept CENTURIAN.
TRENTUS
Stop!
(gestures at other senators)
Since this allegedly involves me, I’d like to hear what this man has to say.ROBULUS
It has no relevance on today’s proceedings.TRENTUS
I say otherwise. To frame a fellow senator for ambitus is a crime.ROBULUS
Says the delegate who would sell his vote to Pluto to earn a few extra denarii.OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)TRENTUS
(to the CENTURIAN)
Tell us about this intrigue?ROBULUS
It is all just a misunderstanding.
(grabs the CENTURIAN’s arm)
Come, my good man. Let us discuss this matter privately in another room.ROBULUS drags the CENTURIAN down a hallway that runs off the back of the senate chamber. TRENTUS follows at a discreet distance.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS – SMALL BACK ROOM
ROBULUS
In here—He gestures for the CENTURIAN to go inside. The GUARDS move to follow. ROBULUS says disdainfully–
ROBULUS
–not you. Wait outside.Their armor clanks as the GUARDS move outside the door. They pass TRENTUS, who cracks open the door to eavesdrop. ROBULUS’ smooth demeanor changes.
ROBULUS
(shouts at Centurian)
Whatever possessed you to bring your grievance here?CENTURIAN
I just watched three of my men get slaughtered.ROBULUS
Through your own incompetence.CENTURIAN
(hissing)
That carriage was carrying the Emperor’s niece, Agrippina, not his—
(points at the cracked door)
–mistress. She was guarded by the praetorian guard.TRENTUS bursts into the room and grabs ROBULUS by the toga.
TRENTUS
You hired mercenaries to attack my personal chariot?CENTURIAN
He did. He paid my men ten denarius apiece.TRENTUS
(gives Robulus a shake)
That chariot carried my father’s entire fortune.ROBULUS
(sneers)
What of it? The fortune of a former slave?TRENTUS
The fortune that slave put at Claudius’ disposal to buy the loyalty of his Thracian collaborators.TRENTUS punches ROBULUS in the face.
ROBULUS
Guards! Help!TRENTUS throws ROBULUS to the ground and beats him. The GUARDS rush inside the room. They attempt to pull TRENTUS off of ROBULUS.
TRENTUS
Treason! This jackal attempted to thwart the Emperor’s peace deal!ROBULUS
So now you support Claudius?
(sneers)
A weakling? Who only rose to power because he was appointed by the praetorian guard?TRENTUS
I might be from a lowly merchant family, but I took a vow—He punches ROBULUS in the nose.
–to defend Rome!
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REWRITE of Scene 5
———-
INT. LATE AFTERNOON – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS
ROBULUS METTELUS FLACCUS, a Roman Senator, reclines upon a couch in the center of the chamber, somewhat inebriated as a SLAVE GIRL pours a glass of wine. Three rows of seats surround the raised dais, filled with other SENATORS, their SLAVES, and vats of wine, cheese, and various fruits and snacks.
ROBULUS
It’s a disgrace, allowing freedmen to hold government positions. What will the Claudius do next?
(gestures at the slaves)
Appoint slaves to replace the Senate?He is rebuked by SENATOR TRENTUS QUINTUS MARCELLUS.
TRENTUS
My father was a freedman. He went on to become a successful vintner.SENATOR A
(holds up his goblet)
And a fine vintage you’ve provided for us all today, Trentus.OTHER SENATORS
Hear, hear!SENATOR A pinches the SLAVE GIRL who is pouring him another glass of wine in the ass.
SENATOR A
–not to mention, the most luscious fruit.The SLAVE GIRL squeals half-heartedly. She looks to TRENTUS, who gives her a grim nod. The SLAVE GIRL bends over SENATOR A, giving him a view of her ample bosom.
TRENTUS raises his goblet.
TRENTUS
To Emperor Claudius. Thanks to his exploits in Brittania, he’s restored the public treasury, and brought peace to Judea.ROBULUS
Claudius can’t bring peace to his own household, much less Rome. They say his wife, Messalina, has sex—A loud commotion comes from the entrance of the Temple.
ROBULUS
–with his entire praetorian guard.OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)The commotion grows louder. A ROMAN CENTURIAN forces his way past the guards and lunges towards ROBULUS. There is blood splattered on his armor.
CENTURIAN
(shouts)
Your intrigues<i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> just cost me the lives of three of my men.ROBULUS
(glances furtively)
I have no idea what you speak of.CENTURIAN
Liar! You sent me to expose his<i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> infidelities<i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>—
(he points at TRENTUS)
–not thwart the Emperors attempt to negotiate a truce with Thrace.ROBULUS
(looks panicked)
Guards! Get this freedman out of the chamber.The GUARDS move to intercept CENTURIAN.
TRENTUS
Stop!
(gestures at other senators)
Since this allegedly involves <i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>me, I’d like to hear what this man has to say.ROBULUS
It has no relevance on today’s proceedings.TRENTUS
I say otherwise. To frame a fellow senator for ambitus is a crime.ROBULUS
Says the delegate who would sell his vote to Pluto to earn a few extra denarii.OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)TRENTUS
(to the CENTURIAN)
Tell us about this intrigue?ROBULUS
It is all just a misunderstanding.
(grabs the CENTURIAN’s arm)
Come, my good man. Let us discuss this matter privately in another room.ROBULUS drags the CENTURIAN down a hallway that runs off the back of the senate chamber. TRENTUS follows at a discreet distance.
INT. LATE AFTERNOON – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS – SMALL BACK ROOM
ROBULUS
In here—He gestures for the CENTURIAN to go inside. The GUARDS move to follow. ROBULUS says disdainfully–
ROBULUS
–not you. Wait outside.Their armor clanks as the GUARDS move outside the door. They pass TRENTUS, who cracks open the door to eavesdrop. ROBULUS’ smooth demeanor changes.
ROBULUS
(shouts at Centurian)
Whatever possessed you to bring your grievance here?CENTURIAN
I just watched three of my men get slaughtered.ROBULUS
Through your own incompetence.CENTURIAN
(hissing)
That carriage was carrying the Emperor’s niece, Agrippina, not his—
(points at the cracked door)
–mistress. She was guarded by the praetorian guard.TRENTUS bursts into the room and grabs ROBULUS by the toga.
TRENTUS
You hired mercenaries to attack my personal chariot?CENTURIAN
He did. He paid my men ten denarius apiece.TRENTUS
(gives Robulus a shake)That chariot carried my father’s entire fortune.
ROBULUS
(sneers)
What of it? The fortune of a former slave?TRENTUS
The fortune that slave put at Claudius’ disposal.TRENTUS punches ROBULUS in the face.
ROBULUS
Guards! Help!TRENTUS throws ROBULUS to the ground and beats him. The GUARDS rush inside the room. They attempt to pull TRENTUS off of ROBULUS.
TRENTUS
Treason! This jackal<i style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> attempted to thwart the Emperor’s peace deal!ROBULUS
So now you support Claudius?
(sneers)
A weakling? Who only rose to power because he was appointed by the praetorian guard?TRENTUS|
I might be from a lowly merchant family, but I took a vow—He punches ROBULUS in the nose.
–to defend Rome!
-
Logline: Trentus, a corrupt Centurian, confronts his patron Robulus, a Roman Senator, after he realizes the “mild political intrigue” he was sent to carry out was, in reality, an attempt to thwart the Emperor.
NOTE: I changed “Trent” to “Trentus” and “Robert” to “Robulus” to make the names more authentically historically Roman. The scene opens with the sleazy Robulus debating a third-party Senator to put the situation into context.
Rough Draft 1: Okay, here’s some word-vomit 🙂
———————————–
INT. DAYTIME – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS
ROBULUS METTELUS FLACCUS, a Roman Senator, stands on a raised dais in the center of a chamber. Three rows of raised seats surround it, filled with other Senators.
ROBULUS
It’s a disgrace, allowing freedmen to hold government positions. What will he do next? Appoint slaves to replace the Senate?He is rebuked by SENATOR LUCIUS JUSTUS CLARUS.
LUCIUS
Emperor Claudius has earned the public’s respect. Thanks to his excursions into Brittania, he’s restored the public treasury, and brought peace to Judea.ROBULUS
Claudius can’t bring peace to his own household, much less Rome. They say his wife, Messalina, has sex—A loud commotion comes from the entrance of the Temple.
ROBULUS
–with his entire praetorian guard.OTHER SENATORS
(laugh)The commotion grows louder. A Centurian forces his way past the guards. TRENTUS QUINTUS MARCELLUS lunges towards ROBULUS. There is blood splattered on his armor.
TRENTUS
Your intrigues just cost me the lives of three of my men.ROBULUS
(glances furtively)
I have no idea what you speak of.TRENTUS
Liar! You sent me to expose his infidelities—
(he points at LUCIUS)
–not thwart the Emperor’s attempt to negotiate a truce with Thrace.ROBULUS
(looking panicked)
Guards! Get this freedman out of the chamber.The GUARDS move to intercept TITUS.
LUCIUS
Stop!
(gestures at other senators)
Since this allegedly involves me, I’d like to hear what this man has to say.ROBULUS
It has no relevance to today’s proceedings.LUCIUS
I say otherwise. To frame a fellow senator for ambitus is a crime.ROBULUS
It is all just a misunderstanding.
(gestures at TRENTUS)
Come, my good man. Let us discuss this matter privately in another room.ROBULUS beckons to a hallway that runs off the back of the senate chamber. The GUARDS nudge TRENTUS in that direction. TRENTUS marches with his back ramrod straight.
INT. DAYTIME – TEMPLE OF CAPITOLUNUS – SMALL BACK ROOM
ROBULUS
In here—He gestures for TRENTUS to go inside. The GUARDS move to follow.
ROBULUS
–not you. Wait outside.Their armor clanks as the GUARDS move outside the door. ROBULUS’ smooth demeanor changes the moment it shuts.
ROBULUS
(shouts)
Whatever possessed you to bring your grievance here.TRENTUS
I lost three of my men.ROBULUS
Through your own incompetence.TRENTUS
(hissing)
That carriage was carrying the Emperor’s niece, Agrippina, not Lucius’ mistress.ROBULUS
(waves hand dismissively)
A simple mistake.TRENTUS grabs ROBULUS by the toga.
TRENTUS
It wasn’t a mistake. She was guarded by the praetorian guard. And she wasn’t just carrying a few gold trinkets. She had an entire war-chest.ROBULUS
So? You lost three low-level nobodies? If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be a velite instead of commander of your own contubernia.TRENTUS
I am a citizen of Rome. If you won’t tell me the truth, than I will demand my right to take my case before the Emperor.ROBULUS blanches.
ROBULUS
You would implicate yourself. For the past three years, you have taken my bribes.TRENTUS punches ROBULUS in the face.
TRENTUS
What were you really up to, you bastard?ROBULUS
Guards! Help!TRENTUS throws ROBULUS to the ground and beats him. The GUARDS rush back inside the room. They attempt to pull TRENTUS off of ROBULUS.
TRENTUS
(shouts)
Treason! This jackal attempted to usurp the Emperor!The GUARDS pause and look to one another, uncertain.
ROBULUS
So now you support Claudius?
(sneers)
A weakling? Who only rose to power because he was appointed by the praetorian guard?TRENTUS
I took a vow—
He punches ROBULUS in the nose.
–to defend Rome! -
Anna Burroughs Max Interest Part 1
What I learned that is improving my writing is…? The techniques are helpful to go through when trying to figure out how to jazz up a “meh” scene.
- Scene: EARTH: Göbekli Tepi
- Logline: Aturdokht makes a deal with the Devourer of Children to save her daughter.
- Essence: Moloch needs to keep his new mortal vessel alive. What better way to do it than to hold hostage his wayward lover’s fiancé and the “unwanted daughter” he swore to protect?
- Interest Technique 1 – Uncertainty / Hope / Fear: Aturdokht believes she and her daughter are about to be sacrificed. (I already had this written, but I broke it up into fear / hope / fear instead of just fear like it was before).
- Interest Technique 2 – Intrigue: This scene is the place where I introduce the “ticking clock” and I need to do it without being on-the-nose.
- Interest Technique 3 – Betrayal: Aturdokht and her family were Mikhail’s allies last season. Set up a future betrayal and future twist in this scene (maybe … not sure I want it to be them).
I don’t post my scenes.
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Anna Burroughs Profiles People
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is….? This was a rather interesting assignment. It reminded me of those college “experimental psychology” classes where you had to go to public places and lurk, tracking data, while trying not to look like a stalker.
Person 1: (Extreme Person) This is somebody who used to be a good friend, but now I try to avoid them because I don’t need their drama sucking me dry. As I interacted with them with this assignment in mind, it was like reading a textbook case of “Borderline Personality Disorder” out of the DSM-IV. I expected to be asked to provide free help (again) and sure enough, I was right.
- Charming
- Histrionic
- Needy
- Saboteur
Person 2: (Good Guy) This is somebody who a is a quiet, thoughtful person, but rather than admit they might not have the skill to do something, they will pretend to know what they are doing, but drag their feet and ultimately sabotage the “thing.” Passive-Aggressive and Stubborn are probably interchangeable with this person, although they are sneaky about being stubborn.
- Reliable
- Perfectionist
- Passive-Aggressive
- Saboteur
Person 3: (Bad Guy) I’m going off person 3 from memory as this is a bona fide “bad guy” (as in, dangerous) and not somebody you want to let back into your life for any reason. Instead, I reminisced with a friend who had the same experience with Person 3 about their personal traits and the swarth of destruction they leave wherever they go. We both learned to tune out the “charismatic” and “brilliant” part and stop making excuses for the deceptive, total lack of remorse.
- Charismatic
- Brilliant
- Deceptive
- Psychopath
My Script: I’d already elevated my main characters in Season 1 of my script using a somewhat similar “traits” exercise, so now that I am working on Season 5, I did this exercise to a couple of new characters (which I am not going to post) and one of the original characters who has been through enough “stuff” that they are eager to redeem themselves (its so much fun to make your readers root for one of the bad guys).
Jamin’s OLD traits:
- Arrogant
- Brave
- Jealous
- Vengeful
Jamin’s NEW traits:
- Arrogant
- Brave
- Altruistic
- Prodigal Son
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Anna Burroughs Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is… Out of five scenes, I feel like I genuinely had breakthroughs with two of these essence-wise, and it forced me to do more research into a third scene that has opened up more possibilities. Given more time, I hope to come up with something better for all five of these scenes.
Script I choose: Archangel, s.5, Ep. 1; s.5, Ep. 4, and s.5 Ep. 8
Scene 1 Location: Crash-site, Earth
- Logline: A distraught father vows to get his son back from the devil.
- <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Essence I’ve discovered: When the gods fail, it’s time to dig deeper and do it yourself.
- New Logline: When the gods fail, it’s time to dig deeper and do it yourself.
Scene 2 Location: F.O.B. Ugarit
- Logline: Pareesa is captured by the Sata’anic soldiers.
- Essence I’ve discovered: Fate has a sense of humor.
- New Logline: After being captured by the enemy, a teenage soldier must curry favor by learning how to wield feminine wiles.
Scene 3 Location: Diplomatic flagship “Prince of Tyre”
- Logline: Jamin shows Gita his mother’s “wish box.”
- Essence I’ve discovered: Disparate folks are often drawn to each other due to fate.
- New Logline: A favored son enlists help from the lowest person from his village to unravel the mystery of why their planet has become ground-zero for an intra-galactic war.
Scene 4 Location: Badiyat al-Hasham (desert)
- Logline: Pareesa is killed during the Battle of Kish
- Essence I’ve discovered: Before you run off half-cocked, you must overcome potential allies’ reservations so you aren’t left standing alone.
- New Logline: Bravery alone will not win the war.
Scene 5 Location: Gehenna
- Logline: Lucifer triggers Tiamet’s trap.
- Essence I’ve discovered: To defeat the devil, you have to make strange alliances.
- New Logline: You can’t defeat evil because you hate it, but because you wish to protect something you love even more.
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What I learned doing this assignment:
It was an interesting task to go through a favorite movie with an eye for the overall higher meaning. It made me realize new depths to the script.
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SCENE 1:
Location: Side of Mount Doom (Act III)
Logline: Laying exhausted on the side of Mount Doom, faithful Samwise overcomes Frodo’s exhaustion by carrying his friend the final distance.
Essence: When all appears lost, your loved ones can help you finish the task.
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SCENE 2:
Location: Shadow of Dunharrow Pass (just before Midpoint)
Logline: Shieldmaiden Èowyn takes offense when Èomer tells her not to encourage Merry to fight.
Essence: Everybody should be encouraged to fight for what they love.
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SCENE 3:
Location: Pelennor Fields (middle of Act III)
Logline: A brave shieldmaiden, with help from a trusty Hobbit, kill the Witch King, who no man could kill, in order to save her uncle, the king.
Essence: Its often the most unexpected people, working to save what they love, who can defeat evil.
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SCENE 4:
Location: Minas Tirith (past Midpoint, ACT II)
Logline: A simple Hobbit sings a tragic song to “entertain” a lord who gluttonously consumes a feast while his “less favored” son is just beyond the gates, being slaughtered.
Essence: Due to gluttony and greed, you foolishly sacrifice that which matters most.
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SCENE 5:
Location: Hall of the Dead (Midpoint)
Logline: A reluctant heir to the throne asserts his right to lead the armies of the dead.
Essence: We must all accept our fate, if we wish to save the people we love most.
*****
MOST PROFOUND ESSENCE:
SCENE 1: Which sums up the entire point of the 3-movie trilogy of the importance of “fellowship.”
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Hi everyone!
I’ve written 3 scripts and a (mostly) completed first season of a television series. I’m primarily a fiction writer, but I like SU classes because Hal is SUCCINCT and teaches you how to get the job done (unlike those dreadfully boring “literary fiction” naval-gazing classes).
I’ve got a grand finale due for my epic fantasy series / the last season of my roughed-out proposed television series and have been STUCK. Hoping this class will kick me in the pants, give me some ideas, get me over the writers-block hump. Got some great “cinematic scenes” and not enough glue to pull it all together into a coherent story.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Anna Burroughs-Merrill.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by
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GROUP RELEASE FORM
I, Anna Burroughs-Merrill, as a member of this group, agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Anna Erishkigal. I agree.
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Anna’s Beat Sheet Part II
What I learned doing this assignment: adding the villain’s motivations helped fill in some of those gaping plot holes. Still a lot of holes, though….
Note: I’m not going to post my script in a public forum.
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Anna’s High Speed Beat Sheet
What I learned doing this assignment: oof! Lots of plot holes still to fill in.
Note: My outline is now 17 pages long, so I’m not going to post it.
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Anna’s Transformational Journey
What I learned doing this assignment: the transformational journey helped me flesh out a few more elusive events.
MIKHAIL’S TRANSFORMATIONAL EVENTS:
OLD WAYS
o In the beginning, Mikhail is still “the leader.”
o Doesn’t want to be no stinking “champion” for She-Who-Is
o Terrified of his dark gift, abusing power (“I’m no better than Moloch”).
o Traumatized by his core wound.
o Doesn’t believe he can wield the power responsibly.
o Focuses on uniting humanity to fight back using mortal means.
NEW WAYS
o In the end, becomes more than “The Champion.” Becomes a legendary “archangel.”
o Can wield his power (barely).
o Can heal others.
o Can lead men into battle.
o Puts aside his animosity for old enemies to defeat Moloch.
3. Make a list of 6 – 8 changes or steps that need to happen for that character to go from who they are in the beginning (Old Ways) to who they are in the ending (New Ways). Sequence the steps from easiest to most difficult.
1. Having no idea what, exactly, he did on Lucifer’s ship to defeat Ba’al Zebub, but having heard what he did and seen the way he melted parts of the ship, he is absolutely adamant that he never use the dark power again, just as the Cherubim and his grandmother warned.
2. He mistakes Ninsianna’s “shadow cat” which is lurking after them as one of the creatures he manifested while he was suffering a flashback. The shadow cat doesn’t obey him and attacks somebody. Ninsianna claims she didn’t see it, so he assumes it is his. It fortifies his resolve to never use such a horrific power ever again (especially when that power is following you around, eating people).
3. Ninsianna grows impatient with his unwillingness to do what is necessary to get back their son, uses dark magic to torture information out of somebody, shames him.
4. MIDPOINT: Pareesa is killed defending him. Grief-stricken, he says “take me instead.” This unlocks the positive side of his dark gift. He uses the power to heal Pareesa’s injuries and pull her back from the Hall of Heroes.
5. There is nobody to teach him to use his power, but then Gita reappears. She tells them of a second temple she visited once as a child, the tomb of Tiamet. Gita is Amhran reborn and, while she’s been away, her power has grown. She can wield the same dark gift that he can, but her gift manifests in a different way. This gives him hope.
6. Mikhail begins to control his dark gift. It is too powerful and unreliable for a mortal creature to wield alone. He must share the burden with others … the reason the Seraphim formed deep bonds to one another.
7. Mikhail confronts Moloch. Moloch taunts him to lose control of his dark power, destroy Earth now that he’s retrieved all of his body parts and has his power back. Mikhail begins to destabilize, Ninsianna’s love isn’t pure enough to keep him grounded and even with Pareesa, it still isn’t enough. But then Gita appears out of the shadows and begins to sing a song which no mortal creature should be able to sing – the Song of Ki. The song stabilizes Mikhail’s dark power so he can defeat Moloch and get back his son.
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Anna’s 4-Act Transformation
What I learned doing this assignment: that this segment of the story has WAY too many loose ends to tie up. Will really need to focus and consolidate so it doesn’t suffer from “series finale-itis.”
ROUGH pass (still need to go back for a second pass):
ACT 1:
– Opening: Mikhail tells Ninsianna what happened to their son.
– Inciting Incident: someone informs them a bull-man golum was seen, retrieved a sacred relic (a giant hand), attached it to his body.
– Turning point: Pareesa finds them. They go in search of the Temple of Ki.
ACT 2:
– New Plan: temple was destroyed, most of the priestesses slaughtered. Whatever Moloch was searching for, it’s not there now.
– Plan in Action: they are always two steps behind Moloch. The evil one is growing more powerful. Ninsianna grows impatient with Mikhail’s unwillingness to use his dark gift to retrieve their son. She uses her own power to torture information out of somebody.
– Midpoint / Turning Point: Pareesa is killed. Mikhail brings her back to life.
ACT 3:
– Rethink everything: he realizes he must learn to control his dark power if he’s to defeat a living god.
– New Plan: Gita reappears. There is another, even older temple that she visited once as a child, underground. She is not sure where it is, but it had pictures of five species of beings, including his, painted on the walls.
– Turning point/ huge failure / major shift: Moloch’s forces corner all of Mikhail’s allies. They are about to be overwhelmingly defeated. Then … Raphael appears. He uses the Horn of Heaven to break Moloch’s control over the Nephilim warships and giants. The beasts break free. Angelics, humans, and other creatures battle the Nephilim and Tokoloshe.
ACT 4:
– Climax: Mikhail makes a deal with Lucifer, but vows to kill him afterward for kidnapping Ninsianna. Lucifer lures Moloch into the underground temple, which isn’t a temple at all, but Tiamet’s trap. Moloch tries to escape, but Mikhail uses his dark power which is equal to Moloch’s power, but highly unstable. Moloch taunts Mikhail into destroying Earth … he will feed off the pain .. he knows Ninsianna is unworthy and can’t help him control it. But Moloch isn’t aware that Gita is Amhran, reborn. She helps Mikhail stabilize the power. He drags Moloch, screaming, into Tiamet’s trap (hell) and tears his infant son out of the belly of the golem.
– Resolution: Mikhail is torn between Ninsianna and Amhran.
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Anna’s Character Interviews
What I learned doing this assignment: this really helped me flesh out some plot bunnies and twists for BOTH main characters.
NOTE: I hand-wrote this assignment … 11 pages … too much to retype, so I’ll just list a few breakthroughs.
Mikhail (protagonist): both his childhood, and also his Cherubim training, admonished him to never use his dark gift because it can’t be controlled, will war with the “legend of archangels” his mother once told him, that someday his species would evolve enough to responsibly wield the power. When he brings someone back from the dead, he realizes he might be able to use the power for good … if he doesn’t lose control and destroy half the galaxy.
Moloch (antagonist): His body parts are scattered on Earth which exists in every universe created by his devoured children. If he can find them, he can regain his full power.
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Anna’s Character Profiles:
What I learned doing this assignment: I already know my hero pretty well, but this helped me flesh out my villain’s motives more.
CHARACTER: Moloch
– What draws us to this character? He’s primordial evil. Cold. Calculating. Ruthless. Charming.
– Traits: brilliant, manipulative, psychopath, evil
– Flaw: arrogant, lonely….
– Values: total obedience and worship. Since he predates every living creature in the universe, as well as most of the gods, he views us as little more than sheep or pigs or chickens to be kept as pets, or harvested for slaughter.
– Irony: he exterminated the Seraphim to eliminate Amhran, but she taught Mikhail how to constructively use the dark power which lurks within their genome before she was killed. Moloch has no idea that Amhran is back.
– What makes him the right character? Hello, the actual historical child-sacrifice god of fire?
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Anna’s Character Profile Part 2
What I learned doing this assignment: it helped me flesh out my villain’s motivations and plan a bit more.
CHARACTER PROFILE: Mikhail
· What draws us to this character? He is the archetypical hero, who we wish we could be, or wish was there to save us. But…
· Traits: heroic, brave, stoic, deeply wounded
· Subtext: he knows what he has to do to get his son back. He’s afraid that, by doing so, he’ll destroy everything he loves.
· Flaw: he is tragically, deeply wounded and this impairs his ability to use his dark gift.
· Values: truth, justice, but too much of a loner (this impairs him)
· Irony: he’ll have to make allies with old enemies to defeat the ultimate evil
· What makes this the right character for this role? Who better to drag the devil into hell?
CHARACTER PROFILE: Moloch (aka, the ‘Devourer of Children’)
· What draws us to this character? Moloch is an utter psychopath. Not only is he hungry for power, but he enjoys making people sacrifice what they love most in order to curry his favor. He, quite literally, feeds off of other people’s agony.
· Traits: psychopath, brilliant, manipulative, gruesome.
· Subtext: he wants to destroy everything his daughter built — including her.
· Flaw: he is lonely … and vindictive.
· Values: literally being worshipped, power, manipulating others.
· Irony: he kills the only being capable of understanding him
· What makes this the right character for this role? Moloch is the historical child-sacrificing god of fire.
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Anna’s Character Profiles –
What I learned doing this assignment? This helped me flesh out that my hero’s “moral code” needs to be a central issue in both the internal and external conflicts which arise in this story.
1. Pick the type of role your Protagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.
· Hero – Mikhail is the archetypical hero, a former victim who stands up to fight for others.
2. Pick the type of role your Antagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.
· Predator – Moloch is more than an ordinary villain, but archetypical evil.
3. What other characters might be necessary?
· Supporting characters: Ninsianna (love interest/wife), Pareesa (superhero sidekick), Gita (love triangle / wounded past), Lucifer (tragic antihero), Jamin (sacrificial lamb).
· Minor roles: Aturdokht (witness), Eligor (knows a secret), Jophiel (surprise!), Raphael (best friend), Shay’tan (thorn in the side), Kasib (discovers a secret).
· Background characters: various soldiers, warriors, etc.
4. Pick your genre.
· Action / Drama
5. Fill in whatever answers come to you about your lead character profiles.
· Role in the story: hero
· Age range and Description: early to mid thirties
· Internal Journey: moves from fearful of his “wound” (his dark gift) and his thirst for vengeance, to transcend his tragic past to achieve balance to wield his gift.
· External Journey: moves from sole hero to the general
· Motivation: Moloch has kidnapped his infant son.
· Wound: Moloch genocided his entire planet as a boy. Now, Moloch has taken his son.
· Mission/Agenda: Get back his son and make sure Moloch can’t do to Earth what they did to his homeworld.
· Secret: he wields a terrifying dark power that can either defeat Moloch, or destroy the planet, the entire solar system, and quite possibly the entire galaxy if he loses control. His thirst for vengeance makes wielding this gift highly unstable.
· What makes them special? He was raised by moral people, and then schooled by moral monks, who have given him the tools to (possibly???) learn to wield his dark gift. Despite his thirst for vengeance and bloodlust, he has a deep moral code.
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Anna Erishkigal’s transformational journey:
What I learned doing this assignment: its helpful to brainstorm old and new ways of doing things beforehand.
Who is my hero?
Mikhail is a genetically engineered super-soldier who can command a terrifying power that no mortal creature can control. To rescue his son from the Devourer of Children, he must become more than human, archangel, a creature that can hold the darkness and light in perfect balance or the power will destroy, not only him, but the entire planet.
Internal journey: he must move past his fear and rage and learn to wield his “gift” from a place of total detachment.
External journey: he must rally humanity to band together, fight back against the Evil One, and drag the devil, literally, into hell.
Old Ways: he’s used to fighting his battles alone. He tends to think in terms of good and evil.
New Ways: his “gift” is too overwhelming for any creature to wield. He must rally others to help him fight.
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Hi everyone. I’m Anna Erishkigal. I’ve got two completed feature-length scripts, the first season of a proposed television series, and about a dozen other scripts in various stages of completion.
What I hope to get out of this class? I’ve been STUCK on a concept forever. I’m hoping this class will kick me in the butt and help me get something outlined.
Something unique? I’m primarily a novelist, so I tend to switch back and forth between modes.
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“….it’s OK to do a crummy first draft because it’s easier to edit something that already exist…”
Hah! We all know THAT feeling!
And I must say … I think every ‘gal should adopt Robert for a big-brother. That fist at the end was unexpected, and an ominous (and realistic) message to the shyster, Trent.
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Would that be considered a bit “on the nose?” 🙂
Thanks so much for that feedback!
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“Doctrina bona est, etiam senescit.” –Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
🤣
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This has some real interesting character development (traits), and also a more hefty backstory, over the earlier draft.
Okay … critique. Now that you have your traits, this is starting to get a bit too long, between the new backstory, the traits, and the animosity between the brothers. I realize this is just a random scene for the exercise, but if it was part of a larger work, I’d suggest you focus on ONE major scene goal (the essence) which fits in with the theme of your entire story, go back again and clarify that one thread, and then weave back in the other good stuff (traits) (methods) to support it. My impression is that you’ve got too many things going on in this scene now, some of which belongs in a different scene.
I really liked the way you had Robert sabotage Trent’s potential business dealings at the beginning, btw, with gossip and the herd. It was much more subtle and believable than your earlier draft.
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I write sci-fantasy, with a splash of horror (because why have fantasy unless you can have monsters ‘nomming on helpless humans, nom-nom-nom), so building magical systems and worlds is kind of my specialty. Now all the stuff that we’re supposed to be LEARNING right now … not so much 🙂 I’m just here to struggle and learn. But your “creep” level was deliciously disturbing.
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Thank you for that feedback David! I struggled with applying the traits, so your suggestions are on-point and helpful.
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Thank you for that feedback, Jeremy! Robulus bribed the Centurian, so he already knows his status and relatively low rank. As for ‘ambitus’, its more of a “window dressing’ term than anything important to the script. But I’ll keep that in mind before I succumb to my urge to fall down the Latin 101 rabbit hole and put all that useless Latin I was forced to memorize in high school to work 🙂
So ix-nay on the atin-lay, ey?
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Well that’s a good creepy scene!
I was a bit confused as to how the magical system worked. You wove in the traits and the techniques, and its obvious at the end that Lydia whispered something at the beginning which betrayed her husband, but that “something” doesn’t appear to be mechanically represented in the events.
- Robert was inside the circle.
- Trent invoked it.
- The demons appeared OUTSIDE the circle and took Trent (usually demons are summoned inside the circle).
- What did Robert do (that Lydia told him to do) which reversed the casting circle?
- Without that “something,” Robert doesn’t have “agency” to turn the tide.
- Robert doing that “something” should stand out to the audience, as they would have secret knowledge that Trent does not until it is too late. In horror we call that the “don’t open the door, stupid” moment.
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I believe I detected little tweaks that wove in a bit more of both character’s “neediness.” I noticed it before, when they first go into the kitchen, but now there’s almost a misdirection that they are hooking up for something a little more intimate than the screenwriting deal, which was a surprise the first time, but now its even more pronounced.
As a parent of three “IT” loving teenagers, I absolutely love your closing line:
“Robert smiles and dances around like the preschool teacher version of Pennywise. Fuck the studios.”
Oh, well … no useful feedback. I am learning this myself.
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I really enjoyed this. Since this is supposed to be “critique”, and it appears you wove the traits into almost every line, I really only have one suggestion (as a second-degree blackbelt, I love a good fight scene).
“And shakes hands with the smitten blonde. In the b.g, we hear the muted sounds of a fight inside the hull…. seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it….”
Since your script was humorous, and you’ve chosen to have your fight off-scene, it would be nice to add some kind of PHYSICAL indication of that fight (up the AGGRESSION). Some possible suggestions:
— The boat lists suddenly to one side
— Something goes rolling off the boat into the water.
— There’s a loud thud. A seagull flies, squawking off of the sail.
Trent straightening his jacket afterwards is a perfect “meticulous” James Bond touch 🙂
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This was really hilarious; reminded me of “Trumbo” when he got around the blacklist by ghost-writing porn, only in this case the villain is the scab-producer. Okay … critique? My only critique is that I would have liked a bit of foreshadowing that the kids are amenable to being ‘sicced on Trent. I think the best place for that would be a deceptively throwaway-shot just before Robert agrees to go into the kitchen with Trent.
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He scans the yard and his eyes land at the far end of the yard, on an adult covered in water colour paint, who pretends he is Godzilla for a bunch of screaming 5 year olds. This is ROBERT (30s). Trent pecks Kate and walks towards Robert.
As Robert growls and knocks over some kids’ magnatile skyscraper, he locks eyes with a fast-approaching Trent.
ROBERT
Poop.
The kids pretend to shoot tiny missiles at “Godzilla” and buzz around him like tiny kamikaze zeroes.
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Or some such nonsense…. YMMV
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MS-word formatting wreaks havoc on html-based message boards. Just cut-and-drop it into a .txt document (notepad) to strip out all of the junk formatting, and then cut-and-paste it a second time into the SU messageboard. You can then go back and manually add bold and italics in the messageboard itself.
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“….I think I only missed the “celebration” part where the scene situation was supposed to start from…”
Yeah, I’m still working on that. I cut most of the R-rated speech and snarky comments from the other Senators that Robertus was making about the Emperor’s wife’s purported nymphomania (true history, BTW) when Trentus barges in. Hopefully on the second pass….?
[*Note to self – follow directions next time*]
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Don’t overthink it. Perfection is the enemy (trust me, I know this first-hand). Just scribble out some word-vomit, sleep on it, and then give it a quick tweak before you post it to the forum. If you fall behind, you fall behind. If it sucks, so what? That’s why you’re taking a class. What’s important is to keep plugging along … and read the other responses as you learn a lot from what different people get out of it. You are NOT going to get a completed script out of this class. What you MIGHT get is to fall in love with your characters and iron some bug out of your plot.
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My biggest problem has been distraction. 🙂
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“Eat ze bugs.”