[Antonio]

[WIM2] Antonio Flores’ Actor attractors for The Dark Tower

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To write profound stories that make the audience feel inspired,

empowered to achieve ongoing growth today and in the future.

— Antonio Flores

======================================

What I learned from doing this assignment:

I came to experience the movie creative process, how a WHAT IF… can take an idea to extremes. What if young John Connor had not had the protection of the Terminator? What if young John Connor had to protect the Terminator? Then understood how The Dark Tower’s character Jake Chambers came to be created.

Movie Title: The Dark Tower (2017)

Lead Character Name: Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor)

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

He is the key to save the universe. He is the epitome of the child who grieves for his father’s absence, a revised version of The Who’s Tommy, an iconic character that several generations grew up with. He is Julian Lennon, John Lennon’s son, who Paul McCartney sings in Hey Jude. Most of all, he is young John Connor from Terminator, who has to save the day without the protection of a Terminator or in this case, his gunslinger superhero, who actually ditches him more than once as he does not know the key role he has in saving the universe. So character Jake has much more potential to show off on screen.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

He is a boy with a divergent mind. He also possesses a great psychic power that we discover little by little throughout the story and so, it keeps us intrigued.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Jake takes in the movie?

He takes the challenge to swim against the current when nobody believes him. He draws the world that is calling him. He saves Roland the Gunslinger. At the end of the story, he is the one who suddenly turns the tables around when everything seems to be lost in the climax of the story — a totally unexpected turn with a tragic ending.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

There are two key scenes that depict well what Jake does. One, is the scene when his mom signs the document for the authorities to take him away while he is in his room searching for the portal to the world he drew and needs to go to. The other scene is when he brings the gunslinger back to our world to buy mercury tablets in the pharmacy and saves the life of the tough good guy more than once. Is like if young John Connor had saved the Terminator.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

He can keep his sanity regardless of the psychiatrist and everyone saying otherwise, even in an extreme scenario when he finds the remains of his mother and stepfather, then gets the vision of how they died in the hands of Walter. He is able to put up courage in the face of really scary situations.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Resourceful, divergent, makes-wise-decisions/visionary, resilient, endlessly grieves for the dead of his father.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

The Jake-Roland relationship is similar to the young John Connor-Terminator relationship, except that in the Dark Tower, Roland, the Terminator-like character does not know that he is supposed to protect Jake. He protects him, just because he wouldn’t let a boy die, but he does not spare a chance to ditch him or give him to others and express his lack of interest for him.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

Through his drawings that reveal his deep, visionary, diverged vision.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

He keeps us wondering what else he might be able to do. He believes that he has a mission to go to other dimensions and save the universe.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

INT. JAKE’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM

Jake emerges into the common area, his mother bowed at the table, his stepfather opening the front door.

JAKE’S MOTHER

(seeing him)

Jake, baby –

She’s looking up, wiping fresh tears from her eyes —

JAKE’S MOTHER (CONT’D)

Sweetheart —

JAKE

Lon, don’t, you don’t know what you’re doing here —

STEPFATHER

This is for your own good, Jake —

JAKE

Lon, please, can you just stop being a douche for one second?

Lon stops, for once actually speechless. Jake is equally surprised himself. But in for a penny….

JAKE (CONT’D)

I mean you never liked me, right? We both get it. Not enough mom-time. But I think you’re really out of your depth here. Or you’re not.

(beat)

Who knows? Maybe I am crazy.

(focused again)

Or maybe these guys coming to get me have different heads under skin masks, know what I mean?

JAKE (CONT’D)

Wait —

(laughs)

Ha. I guess not. No, no, you wouldn’t. But I gotta get out of here. I’ve got to go see. If there’s nothing there, if it’s just a house, if there’s no door, then maybe then I’ll go with them, okay, but what if it’s real, it’s like a pressure inside telling me it’s real. Like if I don’t, something, no everything terrible is going to happen all at once.

(settling)

Momma.

(at her, heart breaking)

Momma, please.

Lon pulls open the door to reveal two ORDERLIES in white.

JAKE’S MOTHER

Lon, maybe-

ORDERLY

Chambers?

They spot Jake.

STEPFATHER

Him.

ORDERLY

Okay, kid, listen —

One of the orderlies is moving forward, separating from his partner. Jake eyes the widening gap between them.

ORDERLY (CONT’D)

No one’s going to hurt you —

Jake pulls the gun. Everyone freezes.

JAKE

I gotta do this, mom.

Jake pulls back the hammer with his free hand. Eyes betray dangerous levels of fear and vulnerability.

A moment. Then the tough orderly takes a half step aside. Jake, back to the wall, slides past Lon and the orderlies.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[WIM2] Antonio Flores’ Genre Conventions

======================================

To write profound stories that make the audience feel inspired,

empowered to achieve ongoing growth today and in the future.

— Antonio Flores

======================================

What I learned from doing this assignment:

I still need to map the thriller, but so far this is an amazingly fast process that facilitates brainstorming, helps identifying gaps as well as genre inconsistencies.

2. Tell us the following:

Title: Chronicles of Stars: Forgotten Future

Concept: When the stars turn into black holes and people forget the future, a young warrior fights to save a star – it’s the end of the universe… and it was all planned!

Genre: Supernatural thriller

3. Make a list of the conventions for your chosen genre, like this:

CONVENTIONS OF THRILLERS

PURPOSE: To thrill your audience with high stakes, plot twists, and suspense that never lets up until the adrenaline packed climax.

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS. They face danger at every step — either physically, emotionally, or mentally. The hero needs to either be in danger or there is the implication of future danger.

MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE:

— There’s a mystery that must be solved in order to survive.

— Intrigue is the underhanded and covert Villain’s plan.

— Suspense comes from the danger the Hero faces.

HERO: Unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful hero

VILLAIN: Dangerous, devious, and unrelenting. Committed to destroy anyone who gets in their way.

MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation, uncertainty, and surprise.

4. Brainstorm ways to deliver the conventions more effectively and build those parts into your 4-Act Structure.

5. List your structure along with the improvements that come from the Genre Conventions.

Act 1:

Opening: Legend has it that two sisters married two star brothers and went to live in the skies. [INTRIGUE] One of them conspired against the other sister and got her expelled. Back on Earth, Weeping-Eyes gave birth to a half star, half human boy named Red Star, who grew as a righteous warrior trained by Bird Spirit and the Protectors.

Inciting Incident [UNKNOWING, UNWITTING, RESOURCEFUL] Red Star and all humans [UNCERTAINTY AND SURPRISE] [MYSTERY TO SOLVE] suddenly loose their memories of the future. Meanwhile, unknown to the people, a girl star takes human form and lives among them. Morning-Drizzle knows her destiny is to marry Red-Star, [DANGEROUS, DEVIOUS, UNRELENTING VILLAIN] [PLOT TWIST] but when Cold-Fire, a cunning youth, steals Weeping-Eyes powers and claims Morning-Drizzle as his bride, [LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS] [PLOT TWIST] she commits suicide.

Turning Point: [UNCERTAINTY AND SURPRISE] [PLOT TWIST] The soul of Morning-Drizzle returns to Red-Star, but now her name is Water-3. [INTRIGUE] [MYSTERY TO BE SOLVED] She warns him that an evil force is changing destiny. She can stay as long as their place is quiet, [ANTICIPATION] but [DANGEROUS, DEVIOUS, UNRELENTING VILLAIN] when the village is in [LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS] danger and [UNKNOWING, UNWITTING, RESOURCEFUL] Red Star has no choice but to use Bear Roar to protect them, Water-3 is [PLOT TWIST] sent far away. [LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS] Now Red Star must cross the space-time portal to [UNCERTAINTY AND SURPRISE] find her. In the new world, his name will change to Nightwalker and he will be restricted to invoke his Protectors only once each.

Act 2:

New plan: [MYSTERY] [SUSPENSE] Nightwalker follows the track of Water-3 to a futuristic era. [ANTICIPATION] [SUSPENSE] [MYSTERY] Cyrus helps Nightwalker find clues to solve the mystery. [ANTICIPATION] [SUSPENSE] Unknown to them, [DANGEROUS, DEVIOUS, UNRELENTING VILLAIN] Cold Fire has genetically developed his own chimeras, similar to Nightwalker’s Protectors. He has a whole army of them. [HIGH STAKES] [LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS] Cold-Fire kidnaps Water-3 to lure Nightwalker into his trap.

Plan in action: [HIGH STAKES][LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS] Nightwalker uses two out of the four Protectors left to rescue Water-3.

Midpoint Turning Point: [HIGH STAKES][LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS] Cold Fire reveals this is all part of a plan to make the Darkness prevail. It’s the end of the universe. [UNCERTAINTY AND SURPRISE] [LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS] Outnumbered, overpowered, Nightwalker is killed by the forces of darkness. As the torture of passing through the portal is unbearable for Nightwalker, Water-3 chooses for them to forget everything. Her memories of the future get erased.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: Upon arrival to a new era, Nightwalker and Water-3 are [UNCERTAINTY AND SURPRISE] [PLOT TWIST] perfect strangers. But music notes from the early past bring [UNKNOWING, UNWITTING, RESOURCEFUL] Nightwalker hints about their nature. When he tries to convince Water-3 about these signs, she calls him crazy, gets angry, and [HIGH STAKES] [TENSION] refuses to have any further contact with him.

New plan: [UNKNOWING, UNWITTING, RESOURCEFUL] Nightwalker follows the music notes, finds his sword, continues fighting for the weak. In his battles, he uses one of the two Protectors he had left. There is no hope without Water-3, he realizes. Nightwalker and Water-3 grow old, distanced from each other, estranged. Cyrus finds them and keeps an eye on her.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: [DANGEROUS, DEVIOUS, UNRELENTING VILLAIN] The darkness once again uses Water-3 as bait to lure Nightwalker into combat and terminate him. [SUSPENSE] [TENSION] Nightwalker agonizes in the arms of Water-3, which makes her realize that he was right all this time.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: [HIGH STAKES][LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS] While the universe approaches its demise, Water-3 invokes her star power. She releases the last of the Protectors: the power of the Black Hole. They travel through the black hole to every era and conquer every evil that had previously defeated them. Finally, they build a new universe.

Resolution: In the new universe, Nightwalker, Water-3 and Cyrus are transformed into a new constellation with a legend of their own, a legend that now is recorded in the… Chronicles of Stars.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[WIM2] Antonio Flores’ 4 Act Transformational Structure

======================================

To write profound stories that make the audience feel inspired,

empowered to achieve ongoing growth today and in the future.

— Antonio Flores

======================================

What I learned from doing this assignment:

4-Act outlining facilitates the development of the second act. It is similar to the mini movie method that I early learned in ScreenwritingU, but even more user-friendly, simple, and the plot points are easy to locate.

2. Give us the following:

Logline:

When the stars turn into black holes and people forget the future, a young warrior fights to save a star – it’s the end of the universe… and it was all planned!

Main Conflict

There is a secret plan to make the growing darkness prevail in the universe.

Old Ways: Half-star, half-human, yet, he is more human than a star.

New Ways: Half-star, half-human, yet, he becomes more of a star human.

3. Fill in each of these with the answers you have right now.

Act 1:

Opening: Legend has it that two sisters married two star brothers and went to live in the skies. One of them conspired against the other sister and got her expelled. Back on Earth, Weeping-Eyes gave birth to a half star, half human boy named Red Star, who grew as a righteous warrior trained by Bird Spirit and the Protectors.

Inciting Incident: All humans suddenly loose their memories of the future. Meanwhile, unknown to the people, a girl star takes human form and lives among them. Morning-Drizzle knows her destiny is to marry Red-Star, but when Cold-Fire, a cunning youth, steals Weeping-Eyes powers and claims Morning-Drizzle as his bride, she commits suicide.

Turning Point: The soul of Morning-Drizzle returns to Red-Star, but now her name is Water-3. She warns him that an evil force is changing destiny. She can stay as long as their place is quiet, but when the village is in danger and Red Star has no choice but to use Bear Roar to protect them, Water-3 is sent far away. Now Red Star must cross the space-time portal to find her. In the new world, his name will change to Nightwalker and he will be restricted to invoke his Protectors only once each.

Act 2:

New plan: Nightwalker follows the track of Water-3 to a futuristic era. Unknown to them, Cold Fire has genetically developed his own chimeras, similar to Nightwalker’s Protectors. He has a whole army of them. Cold-Fire kidnaps Water-3 to lure Nightwalker into his trap.

Plan in action: Nightwalker uses two out of the four Protectors left to rescue Water-3.

Midpoint Turning Point: Outnumbered, overpowered, Nightwalker is killed by the forces of darkness. As the torture of passing through the portal is unbearable for Nightwalker, Water-3 chooses for them to forget everything. Her memories of the future get erased.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: Upon arrival to a new era, Nightwalker and Water-3 are perfect strangers. But music notes from the early past bring Nightwalker hints about their nature. When he tries to convince Water-3 about these signs, she calls him crazy, gets angry, and refuses to have any further contact with him.

New plan: Nightwalker follows the music notes, finds his sword, continues fighting for the weak. In his battles, he uses one of the two Protectors he had left. There is no hope without her, he realizes. Nightwalker and Water-3 grow old, distanced from each other, estranged. Cyrus finds them and keeps an eye on her.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: The darkness once again uses Water-3 as bait to lure Nightwalker into combat and terminate him. He agonizes in the arms of Water-3, which makes her realize that he was right all this time.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: While the universe approaches its demise, Water-3 invokes her star power. She releases the last of the Protectors: the power of the Black Hole. They travel through the black hole to every era and conquer every evil that had previously defeated them. Finally, they build a new universe.

Resolution: In the new universe, Nightwalker, Water-3 and Cyrus are transformed into a new constellation with a legend of their own, a legend that now is written in the… Chronicles of Stars.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[WIM2] Antonio Flores’ Journey Beneath the Journey

======================================

To write profound stories that make the audience feel inspired,

empowered to achieve ongoing growth today and in the future.

— Antonio Flores

======================================

What I learned from doing this assignment:

Outlining subtext at this stage helps to envision the deeper levels that character subtext will provide in a later step of the process and produce a profound story. I like our New Ways.

2. Tell us your concept and your choice of one or two of these Subtext Plots.

Logline:

When the stars turn into black holes and people forget the future, a young warrior fights to save a star – it’s the end of the universe… and it was all planned!

Subtext Plots:

“Layering” and “Scheme and Investigation”

3. Give us a few sentences on how your Subtext Plot will play out inside this story.

• On the surface: Legend has it that two sisters fell in love with a couple of star brothers and went to marry them in the skies.
• Under the surface: (Layering) One of the sisters conspired against the other and her husband sent her back to Earth where she gave birth to their son — a half-human, half-star boy.
• On the surface: Things get complicated when humans suddenly loose their sense of the future.
• Under the surface: There is a secret plan to make the growing darkness prevail in the universe.
• Under the surface: Unknown to the people, a star also lives among them. Now the star girl is the only one who has foresight.
• On the surface: During a dangerous expedition, no one listens to her, so, she is unable to save her adopted human father. She survives and finds her way back thanks to her dog, Cyrus.
• Under the surface: Cyrus the dog is also a star!
• On the surface: Things get even more complicated. The star is sent… away, somewhere so distant that makes the young warrior suspect this is no coincidence.
• Under the surface: (Layering) Someone is manipulating destiny.
• On the surface: Everything points at cunning boy Cold-Fire as being the culprit.
• Under the surface: (Layering) A more powerful evil is behind all this.
• On the surface: The young warrior crosses the space-time portal. If he finds his beloved star girl, they will be able to prevent the end of the universe.
• Under the surface: Cold-Fire works from backstage creating obstacles to discredit the warrior and create conflict among the two lovers. He finally forces the star to forget her memories of the future and she makes the warrior forget about his mission, too.
• On the surface: Cyrus the dog crosses the portal, too. Following his nose and instinct, helps the young warrior investigate
• Under the surface: (Layering) What Cyrus and the warrior find underneath.
• On the surface: The heroes fail. The universe is destroyed, but in the last moment, they discover and use the secret power of the warrior’s father.
• Under the surface: (Layering) An evil force had imprisoned the warrior’s father, because he is the missing piece for the warrior and the star to create a new universe.
• On the surface: Cold-Fire is defeated.
• Under the surface: (Layering) From the outset, a more powerful evil has been behind all this.

More beneath-the-surface stuff:

• There are trues about the universe that only the stars know
• The Era of Treachery signals the end of the universe
• Music can transcend space and time… if you are in the right place at the right time.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[WIM2] Antonio Flores’ Transformational Journey

======================================

To write profound stories that make the audience feel inspired,

empowered to achieve ongoing growth today and in the future.

— Antonio Flores

======================================

What I learned from doing this assignment:

This lesson prompts me to review once again the strategies to produce a profound story.

2. Tell us the Character Arc for your Protagonist:

Arc Beginning: A quiet child, vulnerable, sensitive, unselfish

Arc Ending: A young man, then an elder, forthright, bold, righteous, cognizant and finally… eternal

3. Give us their Internal/External Journey.

Internal Journey: from an insecure, vulnerable child, he becomes cognizant, fearless.

External Journey: weak child grows into bold mighty warrior, yet, distanced from his beloved star, he ages; but then comes a twist and he earns the ultimate power of a star.

4. Tell us their Old Ways at the beginning of the movie and their New Ways at the end.

Old Ways:

• insecure, a child estranged by his star father
• incomplete, vulnerable,
• unreliable, unable to control his power
• a half-breed, yet, more a human than a star,

New Ways:

• assertive, a bold warrior supported by his star father
• complete, trusted by his beloved star girl
• able to restore the universe balance
• no longer half-a-star, he becomes an eternal constellation with a legend of his own

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[WIM2] Antonio Flores’ Intentional Lead Characters

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To write profound stories that make the audience feel inspired,

empowered to achieve ongoing growth today and in the future.

— Antonio Flores

======================================

What I learned from doing this assignment:

It feels as if this was the first moment when my characters and I looked at each other.

A logline (one sentence answer) for your protagonist, antagonist, and triangle character:

“What makes this character fit my concept and title powerfully?”

“What makes each of these characters unique?”

Protagonist: Nightwalker / StarBoy

Logline: A young warrior who fights to save his childhood friend, Water-3, a girl star who took human form, and whom he loves.

Unique: He was born a half-breed son of a human mother and a star father

==================

Triangle Character: Water-3 / MorningDrizzle

Logline: Disguised as the daughter of LongHaul, a brave hunter, she is a star in human form.

Unique: She is the key to prevent the end of the universe

==================

Antagonist: ColdFire

Logline: A dark wizard who makes Water-3 forget her memories of the future, the key to prevent the end of the universe.

Unique: He stole the powers of Nightwalker’s mother, so now he understands the way of the stars… and the darkness.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[WIM2] Antonio Flores’ Title, Concept, and Character Structure

======================================

To write profound stories that make the audience feel inspired,

empowered to achieve ongoing growth today and in the future.

— Antonio Flores

======================================

What I learned from doing this assignment:

Every time we go back to the essence, it is a reminder that, basically, that’s what we do: work with the essence.

Post your Title, and Concept to claim ownership of it.

Title:

Chronicles of Stars: the Forgotten Future

Concept:

When the stars turn into black holes and people forget the future, a young warrior fights to save a star – it’s the end of the universe… and it was all planned!

Chosen Character Structure: Dramatic triangle.

To save his beloved one, a young warrior must convince her that she is a fallen star and uncover the plan of a cunning wizard who made her forget this.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Six months… what a journey! This might be the end of an era, but it is not the end of the story. Thanks to Hal and Cheryl for putting this amazing program together. Cannot find anything close to this even in universities. Thanks everyone for walking the road with me, I learned a lot from each of you.

Here is my best try of a query letter as of today:

==================================

Subject line: She fights the way she dances… in the MMA cage

Dear Film Producer,

There is a time when people MUST put their life on the line. For Parisa, that time is NOW… she must fight on an MMA scaffold 100 feet above the ground!

Parisa is a dancer, a cheerleader who blames herself for the death of her sister. She cannot afford to lose another loved one. Now the strange disappearance of her boyfriend catapults her into the world of underground fighting to rescue him.

But wait! She’s not an MMA fighter; she’s a dancer! So she needs to learn… FAST!

Not quite convinced that “you fight the way you dance,” she still tries the lessons of some mysterious latin and salsa instructors who, surprisingly, help her grasp Chinese wrestling and Brazil Capoeira. Now her battle cry “To courage!” resonates with passion in the underground MMA cage.

She outsmarts her opponents. She’s able to turn a t-shirt or the desert sand into lethal weapons. But in the end… will she be able to overcome her fear of heights?

If you like the concept of GIRL IN THE FIGHTING CAGE, I’d be delighted to send you the script.

Bio: Antonio Flores is the first non-Chinese Wushu (Martial Arts) coach graduated from a Chinese university in 1991. Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing, China for more than 20 years.

Regards,

Antonio Flores

email: flores_antonio@hotmail.com

phone: XXX-XXXX-XXX

twitter: ‘@trigrama’

address: XXX. XXXXX. Beijing, China

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

/////// VERSION 5 \\\\\\\

I feel like I had a breakthrough into the required 3-hook format. High-fives to Cam, Dev, and Kate!

Dear Film Producer,

To save the man she loves, Parisa must fight in a deadly MMA tournament

Parisa is a dancer, a cheerleader who blames herself for the death of her sister. She cannot afford to lose another loved one. The strange disappearance of her boyfriend catapults her into the world of underground fighting to rescue him.

But wait! She’s not an MMA fighter; she’s a dancer! So she needs to learn… FAST!

She’s skeptical about the idea: “you fight the way you dance,” but thanks to some mysterious latin, salsa instructors, she grasps Chinese wrestling and Brazil Capoeira.

Bad news: the final showdown is planned to happen on a scaffold, 100 feet above the ground. Will Parisa be able to overcome her fear of heights, win the fight and rescue her boyfriend?

If you like the concept of GIRL IN THE FIGHTING CAGE, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Bio: Antonio Flores, a former journalist, is the first non-Chinese Wushu (Martial Arts) coach graduated from a Chinese university in 1991. Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing, China for more than 20 years.

(Phone)

(E-mail address)

(mailing address)

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Career Plan

What I learned from this lesson

Improve Writing Quality should be an ongoing goal for me. I have been fortunate to join the end of an era, the last cohort of the ProSeries. It feels weird! The more you know, the more you know that there are things that you don’t know. Even more, there are things that you don’t know that you don’t know! But it feels warm. Writers are mind-alike, heart-alike. So many great people to be around in here!

===================================

Please tell us the answers to these questions about your next six months of activity:

A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next six months?

To Write Incredible Movies while working on the next steps of becoming a professional screenwriter.

B. What are you going to do to elevate quality?

— Strategy: One-two-seven-catorce

– Read/analyze ONE script per week

– Watch TWO movies per week

– Write/rewrite at least SEVEN pages per week

– Dedicate CATORCE hours per week to prep stories

— Continue taking ScreenwritingU courses

— Review past taken ScreenwritingU courses

C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts?

C.1 Complete marketable script 1 (August to December, 2022)

— Elevate Girl in the Fighting Cage

— Review ScreenwritingU: Killer Action

— Review ScreenwritingU: Maximum Entertainment

— Assess drafts using ProSeries skill sheets

— Run 3 to 5 rounds of feedback from PSA peers

— Join competition(s) with review

C.2 Develop marketable script 2 during WIM2 (2022)

— Write Chronicles of Stars: Foretelling

— Review ScreenwritingU: Thriller

— Review ScreenwritingU: Writing the Profound Screenplay

— Practice/consolidate PS81 skills

— Assess drafts using PS81 skill sheets

— Seek 3 to 5 rounds of feedback from PSA, WIM2 peers

— Join competition(s) with review

C.3 Develop marketable script 3: ideally a TV series (January 2023 on)

— Take ScreenwritingU Binge TV class

D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)?

Action, Fantasy

E. How are you going to build a stronger network?

— Join ScreenwritingU alumni group

— Periodically imdb search for producers, managers, agents, actors

F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business?

— Read news (Variety, etc),

— Listen to ScreenwritingU Free Friday Class

— Follow bloggers on Twitter

— Review PS81 philosophy tips and the 33 Ways

— Read production major books,

G. How are you going to market yourself and your writing?

— Upload/list logline(s) on Inktip, ISA and other reputable web sites

— Build a presence in social media as screenwriter

— Design a WordPress.com blog/portfolio about me as screenwriter (January 2023)

— Explore ways to develop PS81, WIM2 products as graphic novels or audiobooks

— Bid for writing assignments (Starting on April 2023)

— Monitor, select the right type of competitions (August to December 2022)

— Organize a calendar, so reviews help in rewriting

— Submit to several competitions starting in January 2023 (December 2022?)

— Develop pitching skills

— Video-record my pitch and TOTE refine

— Ask PSA, WIM peers to critique my video pitching

The end of an era is here and it announces the start of something even more incredible. Thanks everyone! Heartfelt appreciation to Hal and Cheryl for everything they do.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores knows T.O.T.E.

What I learned from this lesson

Do not click SEND until the script or the query letter are ready — according to the stage. I think the network is the hardest to test through TOTE, but provided that the TOTE process of the script and query letter produced the expected quality, the last piece of the puzzle to improve would be the network. This step should be ongoing.

1. Look into the future and tell us how you are going to use the TOTE Process with…

a. Your script.

TEST: obtain feedback from PS81/WIM2 peers, one person at a time

OPERATE: rewrite based on comments received each time

TEST: Enter a selected number of contests, in particular, those that offer quality feedback to participants.

EXIT: When the script receives a ‘recommend’ then exit.

b. Your query letters.

TEST: obtain feedback from PS61/WIM2 peers, one person at a time, and finally, send it to people with background in movie production for feedback.

OPERATE: rewrite, edit based on comments received each time

TEST: Send the letter to a targeted group of producers

EXIT: Persevere until a request comes and then, exit.

c. Building your network.

TEST: Target the market, identify the characteristics of people that I need to include in my network

OPERATE: Search databases, run searches in LinkedIn, Twitter, social media

TEST: Run my campaign, refine the network until I get a response. Yet, assuming that the network is in good condition, then go back to elevate script, query letters, etc.

EXIT: Only after I get a positive response, or I die of exhaustion, or the world stops spinning.

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Query Letter – Version 3

What I learned doing this assignment:

Having warmhearted classmates is like having a magic pendant. Thanks Dev and Cam for your valuable notes and suggestions!

/////// VERSION 3 \\\\\\\

Dear Film Producer,

There is a time when people MUST put their life on the line.

For Parisa Nedellec that time is NOW! Her boyfriend, an underground MMA prizefighter has mysteriously disappeared, catapulting her into the world of underground fighting to rescue him.

But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she needs to learn… FAST!

Parisa is a dancer, a cheerleader who blames herself for her sister’s death. She cannot afford to lose another loved one.

Her uncle, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance.” He asks some mysterious latin and salsa instructors to exploit her dancing skills and make her a Chinese wrestling and Brazil Capoeira fighter in no time.

Parisa outsmarts her opponents by using the environment and improvising weapons, some of which might be new for western audiences.

She wears a pendant that is linked to a Persian legend about power that needs to be unlocked. Fred Corner, a drunkard, unwittingly teaches her how to unlock that power!

Girl in the Fighting Cage is a female-driven, action movie that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Ball Z, Ninja Turtles generation, the world of MMA female fighters, martial arts moviegoers, and Parkour fans. It can be filmed in less than six locations and small sets.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

About the author:

Antonio Flores, screenwriter. A former journalist from Mexico City, he was the first non-Chinese graduated as a professional Wushu (Martial Arts) coach from a Chinese university in 1991. Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing for more than 20 years.

Contact:

email: flores_antonio@hotmail.com

twitter: ‘@trigrama’

LinkedIn: etc, etc.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Query Letter – Version 2

[NOTE: THERE IS A VERSION 3 ALREADY]

What I learned doing this assignment:

Brevity. Essence. Less is more.

/////// VERSION 2 \\\\\\\

Dear Film Producer,

There is a time when people MUST put their life on the line.

For Parisa Nedellec that time is NOW! Her boyfriend, an underground MMA prizefighter has mysteriously disappeared, catapulting her into the world of underground fighting to rescue him.

But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she needs to learn… FAST!

Parisa is an accomplished rhythmic gymnast, a cheerleader whose emotions and past traumas often impair her performance.

Her uncle “Pops”, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance,” and introduces Parisa to mysterious latin and salsa dance instructors who exploit her athletic qualities and make Parisa a Chinese wrestling and Brazilian Capoeira fighter in no time.

Parisa wears a pendant that her boyfriend gifted her and that is linked to a Persian legend about power that needs to be unlocked.

Fred Corner, a drunkard who works as bet collector in the underground fights, unwittingly teaches Parisa the secret to unlock the power of the pendant: Courage!

“Girl in the Fighting Cage” is a female-driven, action movie that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Ball Z, Ninja Turtles generation, the world of MMA female fighters, martial arts moviegoers, and Parkour fans. It can be filmed in less than six locations and small sets.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

About the author:

Antonio Flores, screenwriter. A former journalist from Mexico City, he was the first non-Chinese graduated as a professional Wushu (Martial Arts) coach from a Chinese university in 1991. Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing for more than 20 years.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Hello, everyone! This is Antonio Flores. I am a former journalist from Mexico City. I am a permanent resident in China where I graduated as a professional Wushu (Chinese Martial Arts) coach from Beijing Sports University in 1991. I taught/coached Wushu in China for more than 20 years. In a couple of days, I will be completing Pro Series 81, which was an eye-opener. I have a lot of rewriting to do and strategies to review. I have taken Mini-Movie Method, Killer Action, Writing the Profound Screenplay, and several other ScreenwritingU courses. Since WIM is the start of a new era, I believe this is the place I have to be.

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Query Letter

What I learned doing this assignment

This is the best way to check that the story matches the premise and how many hooks are there to attract the producers.

====================================

Synopsis:

When is the best time to be brave?

Parisa Nedellec will soon find out. Her boyfriend, an underground MMA prizefighter has mysteriously disappeared, so she embarks in an impossible rescue mission through the underground fighting world.

But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she first needs to learn… FAST!

Parisa is an accomplished rhythmic gymnast, a cheerleader whose emotions and the trauma of having seen her sister falling from a building, often challenge her performance. She often relives that traumatic experience in her mind.

Her uncle “Pops”, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance,” and introduces Parisa to latin and salsa dance instructors who, unknowingly, are two of the most lethal martial arts masters in the world. They exploit Parisa’s athletic qualities and make her a Chinese wrestling and Brazilian Capoeira fighter in no time.

Parisa wears a pendant that her boyfriend gave her as a present and that is linked to a Persian legend. It may give immense fighting power to its owner, but that power needs to be unlocked.

Fred Corner, a drunkard who works as bet collector in the underground fights, teaches Parisa that: “There’s no better time to be brave than when you’re scared to the bone!” When Fred raises his bottle and downs a mouthful: “To courage, ma’am!” Parisa not only learns the secret to unlock the power of the pendant, but it also becomes her battle cry: “To courage!”

The Girl in the Fighting Cage is a female-driven, action movie that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Ball, Ninja Turtles generation, the world of MMA female fighters, martial arts moviegoers, and Parkour fans. It can be filmed in less than six locations and small sets.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

About the author:

Antonio Flores, screenwriter. In 1991, he was the first non-Chinese graduated as a professional Wushu (Chinese Martial Arts) coach from a Chinese university. A former journalist from Mexico City, Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing, China for more than 20 years.

Contact information:

Antonio Flores,

email: flores_antonio@hotmail.com

twitter: ‘@trigrama’

LinkedIn: etc.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I, Antonio Flores, agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Antonio]

Three things plus one: the importance of empowerment, the feedback process, doing assignments fast even if they are not “perfect”, and how to avoid killing creativity.

As an educator and martial arts coach, I have taught kids about the mental skills that can enhance their performance in academic endeavors and daily life, so I like very much how this class now integrates those elements, too.

Having taken ScreenwritingU courses for several years now, I can see the links to previous courses, but I also envision how WIM will take us towards the new dynamics in the industry. This is a great environment to continue growing as a writer.

[Antonio]

Antonio has Lots of Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment:

Identifying what creates curiosity and grabs the attention of the reader makes a whole lot of a difference. It also gives an opportunity to check if the delivery meets the premise or rewriting is needed.

———————

Make a list of ALL the hooks in your script.

1. Make a list of all the hooks in your story. Number them.

1. Parisa is an accomplished sports girl, whose emotions and the trauma of having seen her sister falling from a building, often challenge her performance. Acute stress disorder affects her sleep and makes her often relive the traumatic experience.

2. This is not only an impossible rescue mission to save her boyfriend from the hands of a criminal ring; Parisa also wants to escape from the trauma and guilt provoked by her sister’s dead.

3. Parisa doubts that she has what it takes to be a fighter, but knowing that her boyfriend’s life is at stake, she does not hesitates to take a challenge. Her courage earns the magic power stored in an ancient pendant, which must be wisely used. This is a great help, but she still has to do the fighting.

4. Parisa is not a superhero. She outsmarts her most deadly opponents. She learns to use her environment as a weapon, for example, she hides in the desert sand, she punts and lifts the desert sand to the face of opponents, she improvises weapons out of clothes, a fire extinguisher, the wheelchair’s wheel spokes. She figures out that to defeat her enemy, she cannot play by his rules, but she must make her own rules.

5. The performance of female MMA fighters has proved to attract a wide audience around the world. From the visual and technical perspective, in this movie, the level of physical skill, acrobatics, variety of fighting skill and weapons is not only rich and performed at a higher level, but also spectacularly supported with roof top and inside the cage Parkour maneuvers.

6. The link between dancing and fighting, was first proposed by French King Louis XIV, who ordered his army to learn ballet. In this movie, the generalization: “The way you dance, the way you fight” is supported through comparison between salsa and Latin steps with Chinese wrestling and Capoeira; also, a comparison of boxer Prince Naseem Hamed cool dance moves with his fighting style; last, the display “Spirit of the Warrior” offers samples of dances and activities derived from the marital arts in different cultures from around the world. In the movie, Parisa’s dance teachers later reveal as masters of Chinese wrestling and Brazilian Capoeira.

7. Parisa learns that people fight the way they dance, so being a sports rhythmics champion, her martial arts coaches exploit her strengths and make a unique fighter out of her in short time.

8. Parisa knows how to dance. Oh, she not only dances, but she also looks fantastic in her Latin and salsa dress. Then, when the Capoeira students invite her to breakdance, she gets on the floor and, as a former gymnast, she’s just like a fish in the water.

9. During the weigh-in and stare-down ceremony, Parisa and her first opponent start a fight. To escape from her, Parisa runs through the live display “The Spirit of the Warrior” which has samples of activities, games, dances, and sports derived from the martial arts of the world. Parisa skillfully joins the Peking Opera flying spears, Thailand Takraw, Lion Dance on poles, and more.

10. The pendant is part of a legend —all fantasy, of course — about the last group of Persian warriors who, outnumbered by their enemy, they hid in a cave and died. Hundreds of years later, people located the cave. A gem stone was found inside and encrusted on a pendant. Legend (fantasy) has it that the gem stone is the spirit of those warriors. If the pendant finds you worth of it, it would give you immense power.

11. Parisa dies. Regardless of her courage and having the power of the magic pendant, she is human, not-yet a master of the martial arts, but a woman set to rescue the man she loves, so she loses to her greatest fear: heights. Parisa falls from a scaffold that her enemy devised in order to put her at a disadvantage. She is later brought back to life using the pendant.

12. Fred Corner, a drunkard who appears as a bet collector in the underground fights, he happens to be the leader of an ultra secret organization with high-tech weaponry and resources. Unknown to the audience, they had protected Parisa from the very start, except when they lost track of her in the desert.

Thanks to Fred, Parisa gets to know that: “There’s no better time to be brave than when you’re scared to the bone!” Then, Fred raises his bottle and downs a mouthful. “To courage, ma’am!” This lesson not only helps her unlock the power of the pendant, but also becomes her battle cry: “To courage!”

Character hooks: 1, 3, 4, 7, 8

Story hooks: 2, 5, 6, 9, 10, 11, 12

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Marketable Components

What I learned doing this assignment

Being selective about the components that could integrate a good pitch.

———————

Pick two components and tell us how your script already fulfills them AND how you might highlight these two in order to elevate the pitch.

1. Tell us your current logline.

When an MMA prizefighter mysteriously disappears, his girlfriend embarks in an impossible rescue mission to the underground fighting world where she stops at nothing to save him.

2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick one or two that have the most potential for selling this script.

C. Timely — connected to major trend and

The performance of female MMA fighters has proved to attract a wide audience around the world. Not only female stars have emerged, but also an increasing number of women join MMA practice.

E. Ultimate.

Visually and technically, the level of physical skill, acrobatics, variety of fighting skills and weapons is higher, rich and only comparable to what superheroes do. Spectacularly reinforced with roof top and inside the cage Parkour maneuvers.

G. Wide audience appeal.

Aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Balls, Ninja Turtles generation, and the world legion of MMA female fighter, martial arts movies, and Parkour fans. Can be filmed in fewer than five or six locations and small sets.

I. Similarity to a box-office success.

Is a female-led Enter the Dragon, Mortal Kombat, Blood Sport

J. A great role for a bankable actor.

Samantha Win: actress (Mortal Kombat, Wonder Woman), international (Olympic) Wushu medal winner

Gal Gadot: actress (Wonder Woman) trained in kickboxing, capoeira and jujitsu

Valentina Shevchenko: Bantam weight UFC champion AKA “Bullet” (Halle Berry’s movie Bruised as Lady Killer)

==============================================

3. Do a quick brainstorm session about ways to elevate those two components for this script and tell us how you might pitch the script through the two components.

One sentence: A female-led Mortal Kombat.

Wide audience appeal: A female-driven, action movie that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Balls, Ninja Turtles generation, the world of MMA female fighters, martial arts moviegoers, and Parkour fans.

It can be filmed in fewer than five or six locations and small sets.

Ultimate: Visually spectacular skills. Some of the martial arts styles and weapons are new for western audiences.

A great role for a bankable actor: There are trainable western actors who possess a good background in martial arts, as well as MMA champions, who could play the protagonist role. Among them:

Samantha Win: actress (Mortal Kombat, Wonder Woman), international (Olympic) Wushu medal winner

Gal Gadot: actress (Wonder Woman) trained in kickboxing, capoeira and jujitsu

Valentina Shevchenko: Bantam weight UFC champion AKA “Bullet” (featured in “Bruised” as Halle Berry’s badass opponent, Lady Killer)

[Antonio]

Antonio is Expanding his Network

What I learned doing this assignment

Social networks have a language of their own, conventions, protocols — you name it. And likewise any language, mother tongue or other languages we speak, we learn on the go! The more we use them, the more we learn. For many of us who have not yet been repped or whose works have not been produced, it is an act of affirmation to add the line ‘screenwriter’ on our bio, a very important first step. I courageously added ‘aspiring screenwriter’ a while ago, but now ‘I write, therefore I am’… Drumroll, please!

———————

1. At least 10 actions to be taken in the next 60 days to build a strong social network and connect with producers.

— Join ScreenwritingU alumni group

— Follow the awesome PS81 class members on Twitter

— Continue growing as a writer

— Continue developing my PS script

— Join WIM, meet more ScreenwritingU people

— Reconnect with PoPing

— Periodically imdb search, skim through producers, directors, actors bio

— Build a presence: design a WordPress blog/repository/portfolio about me as screenwriter (to be launched on January 2023)

— Build a presence: list loglines on Inktip and other reputable web sites

— Make a list of selected competitions to join in 2023

— Draft the PS81 product or WIM product as graphic novel or audiobook

2. ScreenwritingU list of producers. Follow at least five of them.

My Twitter address: @trigrama

My selected producers to follow and something to comment about:

• Dean McDermott: likes MMA
• Julia Verdin: artists for change
• Ashton Kutcher: running a marathon to defend children from abuse
• Stan Lee: Excelsior… “nuff” said
• Peter Winther: Godzilla, Stargate, Independence Day

3. On the five producers you’ve followed on Twitter, find something they’ve said that you can make a comment about.

The political discourse is omnipresent now, but I guess there are other topics, causes, and common interests that give an opportunity to strike a conversation as I noted above.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Logline and One-Sentence Phone Pitch

Project: “The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage”

What I learned from this lesson

The essence. We have been working on that from the very start. Like when we wrote those one-to-two-sentence scene descriptions for the movie outline. Now, it’s time for… the HOOK! This is, no doubt, the ultimate challenge, the climax of our scriptwriting-hero training. Fear… hope. May Brevity Be With Me! Here we go!

———————

1. Write a logline for your screenplay for each of the 3 formulas:

a. Protagonist __has problem___ and ___must achieve goal__ to solve that problem.

When her boyfriend falls in the hands of a criminal ring, a cheerleader must fight in the underground MMA world to rescue him.

(23 words)

b. Protagonist has __a goal__ but ___major obstacle___ stands in his/her way.

To rescue her boyfriend from a dangerous criminal ring, a cheerleader must plunge into the underground MMA world and fight to the end for him.

(25 words)

c. (Situation) causes (main character) to face (largest obstacle) and (outcome).

When an MMA prizefighter mysteriously disappears, his girlfriend embarks in an impossible rescue mission through the underground fighting world.

(19 words)

===============================

2. Write a one-sentence phone pitch for your screenplay. First tell us the biggest hook and then incorporate it into your one-sentence pitch.

Hook: Female-lead MORTAL KOMBAT

One-sentence: It’s about a girl whose boyfriend is an underground MMA fighter, and when he mysteriously disappears, she must dive into the underground MMA world and fight to rescue him.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Network

What I learned doing this assignment

Backwards planning has been a mantra that I have followed as an educator for decades. You envision the end up result, same as a screenwriter envisions the story and starts with the pitch — you plan with the end in mind. So here we go again, we start with the network that will ultimately open doors for the pitch to be delivered. I feel proud of being part of our PS81 group, the end of an era. If we were the characters of a TV series, we would be wrapping up a season and preparing for the thrill of the next.

ProSeries

C2 Kate Hawkes

C2 Dev Ross

C2 Alice Eden

C2 Cameron Martin

C2 Michael Katz

C2 Dana Abbott

C2 Anita Gomez

C2 Lisa Long

C2 Anna Harper

C2 June Fortunate

C2 Michael O’Keefe

SU Alumni

C3 Hal C

C3 Cheryl C

Other writing groups

C1 Eduardo M

C1 MariaJose

Industry groups

C3 Poppin

Worked with on a movie

C3 Cris F

C3 Poppin

C2 Niel T

C1 Patrick M

Who knows someone inside the industry

C3 Cris F

C1 John S

C3 Poppin

Connected to on Twitter, Facebook, or LinkedIn that knows someone

n/a

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Marketing Campaign

What I learned doing this assignment

Knowing how to develop a campaign is like having a roadmap to a desired destination. This is an important tool to know the relevancy of every step, track down progress, avoid frustration, and prevent losing perspective or direction.

1. Tell us your main goal in your overall Campaign statement.

To sell from out of town to studios (whenever ready)

2. Make a list of your main strategies.

• Continue developing as a writer (ongoing)
• Create a portfolio of marketable scripts (August 2022 – April 2023)
• Create a presence (January 2023, ongoing)
• Create a network (phase 1: August to December 2022, ongoing)
• Sell a low budget script (July 2022 – July 2023)

3. Make a list of tactics that fit your strategies and campaign.

===========================

I. Continue developing as a writer (ongoing)

1. Develop pitching skills

2. Review past ScriptwritingU courses

3. Continue taking ScriptwritingU courses, exchanging feedback

A. Take ScriptwritingU course on Binge Series (after WIM)

B. Write at least one TV project (January – July 2023)

4. Continue exchanging feedback with Pro Series 81 alumni

5. Join ScriptwritingU Alumni group (August 2022)

6. One-two-seven-catorce

A. Read/analyze ONE script per week

B. Watch TWO movies per week

C. Write/rewrite at least SEVEN pages per week

D. Dedicate CATORCE hours per week to prep stories

===========================

II. Create the portfolio of marketable scripts (August 2022 – April 2023)

Complete three MARKETABLE scripts

– Continue rewriting the Pro Series product

– Develop two more scripts within the next 6 to 9 months

– Write a low budget script

===========================

III. Create a presence (January 2023, ongoing)

1. Establish a presence: InkTip

2. Join selected competitions

3. Go for writing assignments

4. Develop one of the scripts into a web series

===========================

IV. Create a network (phase 1: August to December 2022, ongoing)

1. Join ScriptwritingU Alumni group

2. Explore social media

3. Explore existing networks

===========================

V. Sell a low budget script (July 2022 – July 2023)

1. Continue developing as a writer

2. Create a portfolio of marketable scripts

3. Create a presence

4. Create a network

5. Get representation

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Target Market

What I learned doing this assignment is…

Welcome to the Real World… The Matrix can help us… WOW! I discovered how important it is to often read actors bio data and look at their pictures. I even found a couple of people who have been trained on the specific martial arts that my protagonist requires… and I can even follow them on Tweeter!

============================

FEATURE: The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage

GENRE: Action – drama

LOGLINE: When a prizefighter disappears, his girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges, and fights for him to the end.

============================

1. Make a list of five or more movies that are similar to yours and five actors that you might want to play your lead characters.

Five Movies:

• Money Fight
• Street Fighter
• Kick Boxer: Retaliation
• Mortal Kombat 1 and 2

Five actors:

• Samantha Win: actress (Mortal Kombat, Wonder Woman), international (Olympic) Wushu medal winner
• Gal Gadot: actress (Wonder Woman) trained in kickboxing, Capoeira and jujitsu
• Valentina Shevchenko: Bantam weight UFC champion AKA “Bullet”
• Miesha Tate: former UFC champion
• Ronda Rousey: former UFC champion, WWE champion, Olympic Judo medallist, actress (Fast and Furious 7, The Expendables 3)

2. Find 20 to 100 producers for your specific project.

Money Fight

• Kenneth Chamitoff — producer
• Adam Boster — producer
• Mario Aguja — co-producer
• Kelly Farrell — co-producer
• Ernie Reyes Sr. — co-producer
• Ernie Reyes Jr. — co-producer

Street Fighter

• R. Pressman — producer
• Kenzo Tsujimoto — producer
• Jun Aida — executive producer
• Sasha Harari — executive producer
• Tim Zinnemann — executive producer

Kick Boxer: Retaliation

• Dimitri Logothetis — producer
• Robert Hickman — producer
• Jim McGrath — co-producer
• Jeff Bowler — executive producer
• Nicholas Celozzi — executive producer
• Luke Daniels — executive producer

Mortal Kombat

• Robert Engelman — executive producer (as Bob Engelman)
• Lawrence Kasanoff — producer
• Alison Savitch — associate producer
• Danny Simon — executive producer

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Project and Market

What I learned today is…

Stop thinking like a writer and put on the business hat. That’s it. Writer arch plot point with a twist. That is exactly what solves many issues, because it helps to make decisions that the writer attached to his story and characters would not easily take. A call to arms.

===============================

1. Give us the logline for your story and the genre.

FEATURE TITLE: The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage

GENRE: Action

LOGLINE: When a prizefighter mysteriously disappears, his girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges, and fights for him to the end.

===============================
2. In one or two sentences, tell us what you think is most attractive about your story.

A female-driven, action story about courage and an impossible escape that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Balls, Ninja Turtles generation, and the world legion of MMA female fighter, martial arts movies, and Parkour fans. Can be filmed in fewer than five or six locations and small sets.

===============================

3. Tell us which you will target first — agent, manager, producer, or actor and how your script fits what they need and want.

I will target a Producer, because in the past couple of years, I have read several ads from filmmakers requesting scripts similar to this. They come up now and then.

===============================

How this script fits what they need and want:

• There is a two-decade growing interest on MMA worldwide.
• Many of the female MMA athletes portray a new concept of beauty only found in superheroes like Wonder Woman, Black Widow, and Matrix’s Trinity. Yet, MMA females are real.
• Some MMA female champions might be looking for promotion through the big screen, or may want to step into movies as a way of promotion, or to capitalize on their image on the way of retirement from the octagon.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores Ready for Critique!

//////// VERSION 3 \\\\\\\\

==============================

Thanks Dev, Cameron, Kate and Alice! — Open for critique. TIA

==============================

Feature title: The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage

Synopsis: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges, and fights for him to the end.

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE NEARBY ALLEY – NIGHT

A dark, grungy alley.

==============================

SUPERIMPOSE: NEW YORK, 9:00 PM

==============================

A man hides in the shadows. Takes deep breaths. Checks his surroundings.

BAHADUR, 29, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR, darts through the narrow path.

He opens a small door. Coming from inside, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK bumps on him and keeps walking towards the street.

Bahadur winces. His hand covers his arm, but can’t suppress the STINGING PAIN. There’s A CUT on the sleeve of his jacket.

INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.

A TREADMILL docked in a sea of trash. Its control panel glows in the dark.

==============================

SUPERIMPOSE: PARIS, 3:30 AM

==============================

A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about BREAKUP.

A Tungsten lamp lights up over the treadmill.

PICTURES ON THE WALL show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC, French, mid-20’s, she could have been a beauty queen, but her medals evidence her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.

An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase…

“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“

engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child.

Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa’ slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…

PICTURE FRAME

She replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.

============ end of page 1==============

Parisa climbs on the treadmill. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes START and… BUZZ! A burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster.

PARISA

Sorry, old friend. I can’t get to sleep tonight, so neither can you.

She quickly wipes off her tears. So her…

KNOWLEDGEABLE EYES

can focus on the console and push the…

UP ARROWS

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)

Higher… Higher… Excellence…

PICTURES ON THE WALL

echo the shouts and applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies.

The DISTANCE, SPEED digits on the control panel roll up fast. All set for high standards.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)

“Show me miles and miles.

Make me feel I’m reaching.

Say we’re going far away

while I’m here, stuck

in the same old place.”

She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps her swallow the pain.

Wireless earphones in place, Parisa drops her cellphone into the console’s deck.

Motion starts. The beast utters a loud cry. SHRIEEEK ! ! !

It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.

Parisa builds up speed. Slows down. Non-stop, she adds Thai-boxing moves: Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.

The treadmill monster GROANS ! ! !

============ end of page 2==============

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT

An abandoned storage turned into MMA fighting arena.

ROARS of the action-thirsty horde evince nothing less than madness. Tobacco smoke fills the air.

==============================

SUPERIMPOSE: NEW YORK, 9:30 PM

==============================

Right in the middle of the area, men with muscled physiques wear black SECURITY T-shirts. They guard the…

OCTAGON CAGE

Two prizefighters in brief skintight trunks, RED GLOVES and BLUE GLOVES burst into savage kick-punch action.

Blue’s frustration grows when all his punches land on Red’s gloves with more accuracy than a pad training partner. Then he THRUSTS Red into the cage wall with a sudden spin and kick to the plexus.

As Red bounces back, Blue DRILLS his fist twice into the opponent’s face. Red STUMBLES. Moves back. The cheers get even LOUDER!

But Red strikes back. He BENDS BLUE IN HALF with a side kick and PINS him down with a loud THUD! Blue can’t get up.

Some in the crowd disapprove. Cheers turn into whistles. Now Red Gloves and the audience SWEAR. YELL. POINT FINGERS at each other. BOOING floods the house. Security get assault-shields ready to contain a full-house brawl.

UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE

Darkness. A dilapidated room with a broken table and chair.

A faint of light spills into the room through door cracks.

Bahadur sits with his back towards the door. He leans on the table, head buried in his arms.

Someone insistently knocks on the door.

The door knob shakes. It’s locked from inside. The anxious knocking turns into pounding.

Bahadur grunts in pain. Behind him, the door breaks open.

============ end of page 3==============

A confused MMA manager, SYLVAN “POPS” NEDELLEC, 47, a flamboyant French stout, enters the room and blindly looks for the light switch. He is Parisa’s uncle.

SYLVAIN

Hey, you here? Where’s the damn—

Sylvain finds the switch. Turns on a cruddy lamp. Bahadur winces and covers his eyes.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

Ha! Gotcha! C’mon, c’mon. This’ no time to play hide-n-seek. Gotta go out kick butts, mon cher ami.

Sylvain helps Bahadur to stand up. The sinewy, bare-torso fighter totters, supports himself on the chair. He wears orange long slack action trousers and light foot gear.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

What’s wrong, kid? Went missing for a couple of days. No calls. Are you-

Bahadur coughs, wheezes. He gently rubs the cut on his arm.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

This is not good. Not now. Mom’s hospital bills are sucking your savings. You think you could…

Bahadur nods. Starts for the door. The fighter’s mask is left on the table.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D) Wonderful! That’s my kid! Oh my— (picks the mask) Here, here. Don’t forget to wear your mask, mon ami.

UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA

Bet solicitors flash laser-pointers at the bursting crowd and take their money.

One of them sits on a pile of boxes.

FRED CORNER, late 40’s, talkative, knows everything about urban legends. If you buy him a drink, he can prove to be the best informed about the latest conspiracy or CIA’s next move.

FRED

Think profits, think profits! Lay down a chill for a six-pack! Put a six-pack for a keg! Think profits!

============ end of page 4==============

Right in front of him, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK advances through the crowd towards the cage. His gray-bearded face is partially covered by the cloak hood.

FRED (CONT’D) (to the maroon cloak man)

Hey, Father! Father! Wanna lay down something here? Father, hey!

Maroon Cloak walks on. He turns deaf ears to Fred.

FRED (CONT’D)

Lemme be your investment adviser! Hey, Father! Think profits!

BACKSTAGE HALLWAY

A filthy passageway poorly lit by cruddy neon lamps.

Light from the gate at the end of the passage shows the silhouettes of Bahadur and Sylvain walking through puddles.

Bahadur totters the path with his arm over Sylvain shoulders.

ARENA GATE

Before crossing the gate, Sylvain fits the Persian Warrior mask on Bahadur, who now looks like a blazed up Middle East ninja.

SYLVAIN

OK. Stand behind me. Put your hands on my shoulders and walk with me.

CROWD AREA BY THE CAGE

Standing on the opposite side of the access gate, Maroon Cloak raises his unnaturally pale hand.

Security guards shove people. They make a path for SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter to walk to the cage.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (through amps)

Hey-hey-hey! Coming from the Middle East underground fighting world… This is the Ruler’s favorite! The most lethal of all… SHAHNAZ!

Recklessness surge. Bets flow as the giant fighter slowly steps through the mob and into the cage.

============ end of page 5==============

CROWD AREA AT ARENA GATE

Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (through amps)

And who’s gonna face our guest? I cannot find a better man than our undefeated king of the underground cage! Let’s give it all for… THE PERSIAN WARRIOR!

Spotlights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. Blindly trudges through the crowd. Sylvain leads the way.

CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL

Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each joins hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage.

SYLVAIN

You always stand a better chance against one man inside the cage, than against an angry mob that has laid their money on you. You know?

Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.

CAGE ACCESS GATE

Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths. Sylvain goes to check the cage inside.

SYLVAIN’S POV

Shahnaz flexes his muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. GROWLS like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.

BACK TO SCENE:

Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around. Tries to stop Bahadur from looking at the giant inside the cage.

SYLVAIN

Second thought, uh, I guess we could take our chances with the mob. How fast can you run?

============ end of page 6==============

Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.

BAHADUR

Gotta finish this, Pops!

Security guards quickly lock up the gate.

INSIDE THE CAGE

The two fighters stand face to face.

The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.

CAGE ACCESS GATE

Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.

SYLVAIN

Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!

Guards utter no sound.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, just gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?

GUARD ONE

Sir. We ain’t got no towels. A match is over when it’s over.

SYLVAIN

B-but the rules—

GUARD ONE

There’s only one rule: DON’T RUN AWAY – FIGHT ! ! !

SYLVAN (mumbles along)

Don’t run away – FIGHT ! Oh, mon Dieu!

Sylvain’s expression fills with fear and despair as he realizes his mistake. He covers his face with both hands.

INSIDE THE CAGE

Bahadur RUNS towards, STEPS on, JUMPS off the cage wall and into a Parkour SIDE FLIP.

============ end of page 7==============

Before landing, his two legs DRILL into Shahnaz face. Then, he DASHES, SKIDS into the giant’s knees, TRIPS him, makes him BITE the canvas. The audience ROARS as he quickly transitions into leg submission.

OPPONENT CORNER

Maroon Cloak stands outside the cage. He holds…

A DAGGER

More than half of THE BLADE has changed into BLOOD-RED COLOR.

INSIDE THE CAGE

Shahnaz GROANS in pain, but does not concede the fight.

Bahadur feels weak. He glances at the SCRATCH on his arm, then at the man in Maroon Cloak holding the DAGGER.

———————————

BAHADUR POV

Maroon Cloak’s hoodie partially covers his face. He sneers and then, in silence, his lips pronounce a word: POISON

BACK TO THE CAGE

———————————

Bahadur presses harder on Shahnaz leg, but his strength fades away.

As the transformation of the DAGGER BLADE advances, Bahadur gets weaker. Softens. Can’t go on. His arms free Shahnaz leg. Then, finally, VANISHES.

Now the BLADE shines BLOOD-RED COLOR from hilt to tip.

CROWD AREA

The audience whistles at the second upset of the night. A big brawl erupts. Security, paramedics swarm into the place.

INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

Parisa’ sneakers pound on the treadmill band.

Cellphone vibrates. LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC muffles the ringer.

============ end of page 8==============

———————————

ON PARISA’S CELLPHONE SCREEN

Sylvain’s text preview: “I’m sorry. He’s gone. They took him”.

BACK TO PARISA

———————————

WHAM! Parisa slams the treadmill’s emergency stop.

=========================

A WAY TO FIND HIM – MONTAGE

=========================

— PARISA’S HOME – STAIRS

— Parisa runs upstairs.

PARISA (V.O.)

How long ago?

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)

After the fight. Somebody doped him. Got beaten. Never got to the hospital.

— PARISA’S BEDROOM

— Parisa pulls her secret coffer from underneath her bed.

— She nervously handles the keys. Opens the coffer’s lock.

— Frantically searches for something.

PARISA (V.O.)

A-and you? Are you okay, Pops?

— She searches a concealed section of the coffer.

— Removes a small envelope with money and a box.

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)

Oui, yah. I’m just curious ‘cos you said that if ever, uh, I mean… How did you know this could ever happen?

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)

YOU. KNEW. THIS. YOU. KNEW. IT.

============ end of page 9==============

PARISA (V.O.)

Don’t know. Is kind of… like some, uh, voices, uh, I… just forget it… I MUST find him, Pops! Help me! Please, help me!

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)

You know you can count with me.

PARISA (V.O.)

Merci, merci! Uh, is mom…

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)

Oui, yah. Bills keep coming. Don’t worry. I’ll think up something.

— Parisa opens the box. Pulls a Middle East style PENDANT

— She unlatches it. It opens like a pocket watch. GLOWS.

— She looks inside the pendant.

MALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)

Break up… Gotta break up or she will die… THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.

— Her eyes widen. She fastens the pendant in a blink.

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (CONT’D) (through cellphone)

Hello? Hello? Are you still there?

PARISA (V.O.)

Oui, oui. Listen, I gotta go. I’ll call you when I land in New York.

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)

Oui, oui. Be careful, will you? Those bastards—

— PARISA’S HOME ENTRANCE – DUSK

— She leaves the house with a carelessly strapped backpack on her shoulder.

PARISA (V.O.)

I know, I know. Take care, Pops.

END OF MONTAGE

============ end of page 10==============

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

This is VERSION 2 – Thanks to Alice, Cam and Kate for their comments on the previous version! Welcome to critique!

Feature title: The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage

Logline: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges, and fights for him to the end.

FADE IN:

INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.

A TREADMILL docked in a sea of trash. Its control panel glows in the dark.

MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)

Break up. Break up…Tell her: go to hell!… Gotta break up or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.

==============================

SUPER: PARIS, 3:30 AM

==============================

A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about separation and shattered feelings.

A Tungsten lamp lights up over the treadmill.

Through the shades, PICTURES ON THE WALL show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC, mid-20’s, she could have easily chosen the beauty queen path, but these images and medals evidence her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.

An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase…

“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“

engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child.

Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa’ slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…

PICTURE FRAME

She replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.

Parisa climbs on the treadmill. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes START and… BUZZ! A burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster.

PARISA

Sorry, old friend. I can’t get to sleep tonight, so neither can you.

============ end of page 1==============

She quickly wipes off her tears. So her…

EXPERT EYES

can focus on the console and push the…

UP ARROWS

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)

Higher… Higher… Excellence…

PICTURES ON THE WALL

echo the shouts and applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies.

The DISTANCE, SPEED digits on the control panel roll up fast. All set for high standards.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)

“Show me miles and miles.

Make me feel I’m reaching.

Say we’re going far away

while I’m here, stuck

in the same old place.”

She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps her swallow the pain.

Wireless earphones in place, Parisa drops her cellphone into the console’s deck.

Motion starts. The beast utters a loud cry. SHRIEEEK ! ! !

It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.

Parisa builds up speed. Slows down. Non-stop, she adds Thai-boxing moves: Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.

The treadmill monster GROANS ! ! !

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT

An abandoned storage turned into MMA fighting arena.

ROARS of the action-thirsty horde evince nothing less than madness. Tobacco smoke fills the air.

============ end of page 2==============

==============================

SUPER: NEW YORK, 9:30 PM

==============================

Right in the middle of the area, men with muscled physiques wear black SECURITY T-shirts. They guard the…

OCTAGON CAGE

Two prizefighters in brief skintight trunks, RED GLOVES and BLUE GLOVES burst into savage kick-punch action.

Blue’s frustration grows when all his punches land on Red’s gloves with more accuracy than a pad training partner. Then he THRUSTS Red into the cage wall with a sudden spin and kick to the plexus.

As Red bounces back, Blue DRILLS his fist twice into the opponent’s face. Red STUMBLES. Moves back. The cheers get even LOUDER!

But Red strikes back. He BENDS BLUE IN HALF with a side kick and then pins him down. The impact produces a loud THUD sound. Red doesn’t even bother to go for submission. Blue can’t get up.

Some in the crowd disapprove. Cheers turn into whistles. Now Red Gloves and the audience SWEAR. YELL. POINT FINGERS at each other. BOOING floods the house. Security get assault-shields ready to contain a full-house brawl.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE – SAME TIME

Lights off. A dilapidated room with a broken table and chair.

BAHADUR, 29, Iran ex-paramilitary, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR, sits with his back towards the door. He leans on the table, head buried in his arms.

Someone insistently knocks on the door.

The door knob shakes. It’s locked from inside. The anxious knocking turns into pounding.

Bahadur grunts in pain. Behind him, the door breaks open.

A confused MMA manager, SYLVAN “POPS” NEDELLEC, 47, a flamboyant French stout, enters the room and blindly looks for the light switch. He is Parisa’s uncle.

SYLVAIN

Hey, you here? Where’s the damn—

Sylvain finds the switch. Turns on a cruddy lamp. Bahadur winces and covers his eyes.

============ end of page 3==============

SYLVAIN

Ha! Gotcha! C’mon, c’mon. This’ no time to play hide-n-seek. Gotta go kick butts, mon cher ami.

Sylvain helps Bahadur to stand up.

The sinewy, bare-torso fighter totters, supports himself on the chair.

He wears orange long slack action trousers and light foot gear.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

C’mon. I promised I’d take care of you. Don’t want my niece to lose her faith on me, OK?

The fighter’s mask is left on the table.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

Oh my— (picks it up) Here, here. Don’t forget to wear your mask, mon ami.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT

Bet solicitors flash laser-pointers at the bursting crowd and take their money.

One of them sits on a pile of boxes.

FRED CORNER, late 40’s, talkative, knows everything about urban legends. If you buy him a drink, he can prove to be the best informed about the latest conspiracy or CIA’s next move.

FRED

Think profits, think profits! Lay down a chill for a six-pack! Put a six-pack for a keg! Think profits!

Right in front of him, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK advances through the crowd towards the cage. His gray-bearded face is partially covered by the cloak hood.

FRED (CONT’D) (to the maroon cloak man)

Hey, Father! Father! Wanna lay down something here? Father, hey!

Maroon Cloak walks on. He turns deaf ears to Fred.

FRED (CONT’D)

Lemme be your investment adviser! I’m Cash-Only-Fred, Clean-Bets-Fred. Hey, Father! Think profits!

============ end of page 4==============

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE HALLWAY

A filthy passageway poorly lit by cruddy neon lamps.

Light from the gate at the end of the passage shows the silhouettes of Bahadur and Sylvain walking through puddles.

Bahadur totters the path with his arm over Sylvain shoulders.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – ARENA GATE

Before crossing the gate, Sylvain fits the Persian Warrior mask on Bahadur, who now looks like a blazed up Middle East ninja.

SYLVAIN

OK, mon ami. You stand behind me. Put your hands on my shoulders and we walk to the cage. Stay with me.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA BY THE CAGE

Standing on the opposite side of the access gate, Maroon Cloak raises his unnaturally pale hand.

Following his sign, security guards push the crowd away, clearing the path for SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter to enter the cage.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)

Hey-hey-hey! First time ever! LIVE in New York! Coming from the Middle East underground fighting world… Ladies and gents, this is no one else but the Ruler’s favorite! The most lethal of all… SHAHNAZ!

Recklessness surge. Bets flow to solicitors as the giant fighter slowly steps through the mob and into the cage.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA AT ARENA GATE

Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)

And who’s gonna face our guest? I cannot find a better man than our New York adopted son fighter! The undefeated king of the underground cage! Let’s give it all for… THE PERSIAN WARRIOR!

============ end of page 5==============

Spotlights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. Blindly trudges through the crowd. Sylvain leads the way.

CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL

Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each joins hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage.

SYLVAIN

You know I would call this off, but mom’s hospital bills are sucking your savings.

Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

Besides, I think you stand a better chance against just one man in that cage than against an angry mob… specially after they’ve laid their money on you.

CAGE ACCESS GATE

Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths.

Sylvain takes a look inside the cage.

SYLVAIN’S POV

Shahnaz flexing muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. Growls like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.

BACK TO SCENE:

Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around towards Bahadur. Tries to stop him from looking inside the cage.

SYLVAIN

Second thought, I guess we should better take our chances with the mob. Think you could run fast?

Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.

============ end of page 6==============

BAHADUR

Gotta finish this, Pops!

Security guards quickly lock up the gate.

INSIDE THE CAGE

The two fighters stand face to face.

The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.

CAGE ACCESS GATE

Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.

SYLVAIN

Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!

Guards utter no sound.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, just gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?

GUARD ONE

Sir. We ain’t got no towels. A match is over when it’s over.

SYLVAIN

B-but the rules—

GUARD ONE

There’s only one rule: DON’T RUN AWAY – FIGHT ! ! !

SYLVAN (mumbles along)

Don’t run away – FIGHT ! Oh, mon Dieu!

Sylvain’s expression fills with fear and despair as he realizes his mistake. He covers his face with both hands.

IN THE CAGE

Bahadur RUNS towards, STEPS on, JUMPS off the cage wall and into a Parkour SIDE FLIP. Before landing, his two legs DRILL into Shahnaz face. Then, he DASHES, SKIDS into the giant’s knees, TRIPS him, makes him BITE the canvas. The audience ROARS as he quickly transitions into leg submission.

============ end of page 7==============

Maroon Cloak stands by the giant’s corner. He holds…

A DAGGER

More than half of THE BLADE has changed into BLOOD-RED COLOR. This catches Bahadur’s attention.

———————————

MEMORY FLASH – THE CUT

Before the fight, Bahadur enters the lockers.

Maroon Cloak deliberately bumps on him.

Bahadur winces. His hand quickly covers his arm, but can’t suppress the SHARP STINGING PAIN.

There is a cut on the sleeve of his jacket.

BACK TO THE CAGE

———————————

Shahnaz GROANS in pain, but does not concede the fight.

Bahadur feels weak. He glances at the SCRATCH on his arm, then at the man in Maroon Cloak holding the DAGGER.

———————————

BAHADUR POV

Maroon Cloak’s hoodie partially covers his face.

He sneers and then, in silence, his lips pronounce a word: POISON

BACK TO THE CAGE

———————————

Bahadur dismisses the message. He presses harder on Shahnaz leg, but his strength fades away.

As the transformation of the DAGGER BLADE advances, Bahadur gets weaker. Softens. Can’t go on. His arms free Shahnaz leg. Then, finally, vanishes.

Now the BLADE shines BLOOD-RED COLOR from hilt to tip.

CROWD AREA

The audience whistles at the second upset of the night. A big brawl erupts.

Security, paramedics swarm into the place.

============ end of page 8==============

INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

Parisa’ sneakers pound on the treadmill band.

Cellphone vibrates. The LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC muffles the ringer.

———————————

ON PARISA’S CELLPHONE SCREEN

Sylvain’s text preview: “I’m sorry. He’s gone. They took him”.

BACK TO PARISA

———————————

WHAM! Parisa slams the treadmill’s emergency stop.

=========================

A WAY TO FIND HIM – MONTAGE

=========================

— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME – STAIRS – DAY

— Parisa runs upstairs.

PARISA (V.O.)

How long ago?

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)

After the fight. Somebody doped him. Got beaten. It was a KO. Never got to the hospital.

— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S BEDROOM — DAY

— Parisa pulls her secret coffer from underneath her bed.

— She nervously handles the keys. Opens the coffer’s lock.

— Frantically searches for something.

PARISA (V.O.)

Are you okay, Pops?

— She searches a concealed section of the coffer.

— Removes a small envelope with money and a box.

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)

Oui, yah. I’m just calling ‘cos you said that if ever, uh, I mean… How did you know this could ever happen?

============ end of page 9==============

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)

YOU. KNEW. THIS.

PARISA (V.O.)

I don’t know. I just heard a… forget it. I MUST find him, Pops! Help me! You got to help me!

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)

You know you can count with me.

PARISA (V.O.) Merci, merci! Is mom still…

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone) Oui, yah. Bills keep coming. Don’t worry. I’ll think up something.

— Parisa opens the box.

— Pulls a Middle East style PENDANT NECKLACE

— She unlatches it. It opens like a pocket watch. GLOWS.

— She looks inside the pendant. Fear floods her expression.

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)

Hey. Uh… Hello? A-are you still there?

PARISA (V.O.)

Oui. I gotta go. I will call you when I land in New York.

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)

Oui, oui. Be careful, will you? Those bastards—

— INT. PARISA’S HOME ENTRANCE – DUSK

— She leaves the house with a carelessly fasten backpack on her shoulder.

PARISA (V.O.)

I know, I know. Take care, Pops.

END OF MONTAGE

============ end of page 10==============

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

NOTE: PLEASE LOOK FOR VERSION 2 – WELCOME TO CRITIQUE!

[It’s posted below around 119]

Antonio Flores Ready for Critique! VERSION 1

1. Give us a one or two paragraph synopsis of the story.

Feature title: The Girl Inside the Fighting Cage

LOGLINE: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges and fights for him to the end.

2. Using the Skill Mastery Sheet, do a rewrite of your first ten pages to prepare them for a critique.

FADE IN:

MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)

Break up. Break up. (beat) Tell her: go to hell! (beat) Gotta break up! (beat) or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.

INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.

The cold frame of a treadmill stands like a ghost ship harbored in a sea of trash and dirt. The control panel glows in the darkness like a dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.

SUPER: PARIS, 3:30 AM

A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about loneliness.

A tungsten-glaring lamp lights up like a full moon whose glowing neglects everything except for the treadmill.

Through the shades, pictures on the wall show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC and her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.

An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase:

“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“

… engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child, a young girl cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty — except that she doesn’t buy any of that.

Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa, mid-20’s, slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…

PICTURE FRAME

… replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.

She pours a bottle of water on her head and climbs on the treadmill like one who gets on the back of an untamed beast.

============ end of page 1==============

Her strong yet delicate hand pushes START and a burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster with a BUZZ.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)

Say we’re going far while I’m here, stuck in the same old place.

She quickly wipes off her tears. So…

HER EXPERT EYES

… can focus on the console and push the…

UP ARROWS

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)

Higher… Higher… Excellence…

THE PICTURES ON THE WALL…

… echo the shouts and applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies.

The digits on the control panel…

DISTANCE, SPEED

… roll up fast. All set for high standards.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)

Show me miles and miles. Make me feel I’m reaching.

She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps her swallow the pain.

Wireless earphones in place, Parisa drops her cellphone into the console’s deck.

Motion starts. The beast utters a loud cry.

SHRIEEEK ! ! !

It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.

The treadmill-ghost-ship reluctantly sets off on a fitness journey with Parisa at the helm.

============ end of page 2==============

Her sneakers rhythmically pound on the band.

She builds up speed. Then slows down and adds some Thai-boxing moves to her jogging.

Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.

SHRIEEEK ! ! !

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT

An abandoned storage turned into MMA fighting arena.

ROARS of the action-thirsty horde evince nothing less than madness. Tobacco smoke fills the air.

SUPER: NEW YORK, 9:30 PM

Right in the middle, men with muscled physiques wear black SECURITY T-shirts. They guard the…

OCTAGON CAGE

Two prizefighters in brief skintight trunks, RED GLOVES and BLUE GLOVES burst into savage kick-punch action.

Blue’s frustration grows when all his punches land on Red’s gloves with more accuracy than a pad training partner. Then he connects an OOF back spinning kick in the middle of Red’s plexus, which makes Red crash against the cage wall.

As Red bounces back, Blue THUD-THUD sinks his fist twice into the opponent’s face. Red stumbles. Moves back. The cheers get LOUD!

But then, Red strikes back. He WHOMP kicks and WHACK pins down his opponent. Blue can’t stand up.

Some in the crowd disapprove. Cheers turn into whistles. Now Red Gloves and the audience SWEAR. YELL. POINT FINGERS at each other. BOOING floods the house. Security get assault-shields ready to contain a full-house brawl.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE – SAME TIME

Lights off. A dilapidated room with a broken table and chair.

BAHADUR, 29, Iran ex-paramilitary, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR, sits with his back towards the door. He leans on the table, head buried in his arms.

============ end of page 3==============

Someone insistently knocks on the door.

The door knob shakes. It’s locked from inside. The anxious knocking turns into pounding.

Bahadur grunts in pain. Behind him, the door breaks open.

A confused MMA manager, SYLVAN “POPS” NEDELLEC, 47, a flamboyant French stout, enters the room and blindly looks for the light switch. He is Parisa’s uncle.

SYLVAIN

Hey, you here? Where’s the damn—

Sylvain finds the switch. Turns on a cruddy lamp. Bahadur covers his eyes.

BAHADUR

Aargh!

SYLVAIN

Ha! Gotcha! C’mon, c’mon. This’ no time to play hide-n-seek. Gotta go kick butts, mon cher ami.

Sylvain helps Bahadur to stand up.

The sinewy, bare-torso fighter totters, supports himself on the chair.

He wears orange long slack action trousers and light foot gear.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

C’mon. I promised I’d take care of you. Don’t want my niece to lose her faith on me, OK?

The fighter’s mask is left on the table.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

Oh, my— (picks it up) Here, here. Don’t forget to wear your mask, mon ami.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT

Bet solicitors flash laser-pointers at the bursting crowd and take their money.

One of them sits on a pile of boxes.

FRED CORNER, late 40’s, talkative, knows everything about urban legends. If you buy him a drink, he can prove to be the best informed about the latest conspiracy or CIA’s next move.

FRED

Think profits, think profits! Lay down a chill for a six-pack! Put a six-pack for a keg! Think profits!

============ end of page 4==============

Right in front of him, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK advances through the crowd towards the cage. His gray-bearded face is partially covered by the cloak hood.

FRED (CONT’D) (to the maroon cloak man)

Hey, Father! Father! Wanna lay down something here? Father, hey!

Maroon Cloak walks on. He turns deaf ears to Fred.

FRED (CONT’D)

Lemme be your investment adviser! I’m Cash-Only-Fred, Clean-Bets-Fred. Hey, Father! Think profits!

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE HALLWAY

A filthy passageway poorly lit by cruddy neon lamps.

Light from the gate at the end of the passage shows the silhouettes of Bahadur and Sylvain walking through puddles.

Bahadur totters the path with his arm over Sylvain shoulders.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – ARENA GATE

Before crossing the gate, Sylvain fits the Persian Warrior mask on Bahadur, who now looks like a blazed up Middle East ninja.

SYLVAIN

OK, mon ami. You stand behind me. Put your hands on my shoulders and we walk to the cage. Stay with me.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA BY THE CAGE

Standing on the opposite side of the access gate, Maroon Cloak raises his unnaturally pale hand.

Following his sign, security guards push the crowd away, clearing the path for SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter to enter the cage.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)

Hey-hey-hey! First time ever! LIVE in New York! Coming from the Middle East underground fighting world… Ladies and gents, make no mistake, this is no one else but the Ruler’s favorite! The most lethal of all… SHAHNAZ!

============ end of page 5==============

Recklessness surge. Bets flow to solicitors as the giant fighter slowly steps through the mob and into the cage.

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA AT ARENA GATE

Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)

And who’s gonna face our special guest? I cannot find a better man than our very own New York adopted son fighter! The undefeated king of the underground cage! Let’s give it all for… THE PERSIAN WARRIOR!

Spotlights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. Blindly trudges through the crowd. Sylvain leads the way.

CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL

Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each joins hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage.

SYLVAIN

You know I would call this off, but mom’s hospital bills are sucking your bank funds.

Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

Besides, I think you stand a better chance against just one man in that cage than against an angry mob… specially after they’ve laid their money on you.

CAGE ACCESS GATE

Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths.

Sylvain takes a look inside the cage.

============ end of page 6==============

SYLVAIN’S POV

Shahnaz flexing muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. Growls like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.

BACK TO SCENE:

Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around towards Bahadur. Tries to stop him from looking inside the cage.

SYLVAIN

Second thought, I guess we should better take our chances with the mob. Think you could run fast?

Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.

BAHADUR

Gotta finish this, Pops!

Security guards quickly lock up the gate.

INSIDE THE CAGE

The two fighters stand face to face.

The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.

CAGE ACCESS GATE

Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.

SYLVAIN

Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!

Guards utter no sound.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, just gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?

GUARD ONE

Sir. We got no towels to throw. A match is over when, uh, when it’s over. Y’ know what I mean?

SYLVAIN

B-but the rules—

============ end of page 7==============

GUARD ONE

There’s only one rule: DON’T RUN AWAY – FIGHT ! ! !

SYLVAN (mumbles along)

Don’t run away – FIGHT ! Oh, mon Dieu!

Sylvain’s expression floods with fear and despair as he realizes his mistake. He covers his face with both hands.

IN THE CAGE

Bahadur RUNS towards, STEPS on, JUMPS off the cage wall and into a SIDE FLIP to double kick Shahnaz face. Then, he DASHES, SKIDS into the giant’s knees, TRIPS him, makes him BITE the canvas and quickly transitions into leg submission.

Maroon Cloak stands by the giant’s corner. He holds a dagger. More than half of the blade has changed into blood-red color.

MEMORY FLASH – THE CUT

Maroon Cloak bumps on Bahadur. He feels pain in his arm. There is a cut on the sleeve of his jacket.

BACK TO THE CAGE

Bahadur feels weak. He glances at a cut on his arm. Vanishes.

THE DAGGER BLADE…

…has finished its color transformation. The crowd whistles at the second upset of the night.

CROWD AREA

A big brawl starts off.

INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

Parisa’ sneakers pound on the treadmill band.

Cellphone vibrates, but the LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC muffles the ringer.

The device screen displays a TEXT PREVIEW.

============ end of page 8==============

SYLVAIN: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”.

WHAM! Parisa slams the treadmill’s emergency stop.

A WAY TO FIND HIM – MONTAGE

— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME – STAIRS – DAY

— Parisa runs upstairs.

PARISA (V.O.)

How long ago?

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)

After the fight. Somebody doped him. Got beaten. It was a KO. Never got to the hospital.

— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S BEDROOM — DAY

— Parisa pulls her secret coffer from underneath her bed.

— She nervously handles the keys. Opens the coffer’s lock.

— Frantically searches for something.

PARISA (V.O.)

Are you okay, Pops?

— She searches a concealed section of the coffer.

— Removes a small envelope with money and a box.

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)

Oui, yah. I’m just calling ‘cos you said that if ever, uh, I mean… How did you know this could ever happen?

PARISA (V.O.) I don’t know. Guess I just, uh, I MUST find him, Pops!

MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation) How did you know? (beat) YOU. KNEW. THIS. (beat) But how? How?

PARISA (V.O.) Is mom still…

============ end of page 9==============

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)

Oui, yah. Bills keep coming. But don’t worry. I’ll think up something. Bah! You know me.

— Parisa opens the box.

— Pulls a Middle East style…

— PENDANT NECKLACE

— She unlatches it.

PARISA (V.O.)

Merci, Pops.

— THE PENDANT… opens like a pocket watch. Glows inside.

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)

Hey. Uh… Hello?

— PARISA PERPLEXED

— Looks inside the pendant. Fear floods her expression.

SYLVAIN (V.O.)

A-are you still there?

PARISA (V.O.)

Oui. I (beat) I gotta go. I will call you when I land in New York.

SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)

Oui, oui. Uh, I mean. Be careful. Those bastards—

— INT. APARTMENT DOOR – DAY

— She leaves the house with a carelessly fasten backpack on her shoulder.

PARISA (V.O.)

I know, I know. Take care, Pops.

END OF MONTAGE

============ end of page 10==============

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores is being Dramatic!

What I learned is:

Now that we have a good number of skills, I came to experience a new process of outlining, elevating, rewriting, brainstorming, and applying the skills. It makes a difference. I foresee that once internalized, these skills will show up intuitively, as second nature.

ASSIGNMENT 2

———-

Using the DRAMATIC DEVICES SKILL SHEET, write a scene using most of the skills we’ve worked with so far.

1. List your characters, their traits, and their SCL.

Character 1: Parisa Nedellec

Traits: highly principled, a perfectionist, very emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn

Want/Need

Want: To get her fiancé back

Need: To learn to fight in no time

Character subtext logline

Parisa is a highly principled cheerleader turned into MMA fighter whose emotions and trauma often challenge her quest for perfection.

Character 2: Fred Corner

Fred is talkative, honest, bet solicitor who covertly helps Parisa

2. Write your scene using as many of the Dramatic Devices skills as possible.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY ALLEY

A dark, narrow alley at the back of the abandoned storage that houses the underground fights.

Parisa and bet-solicitor Fred pick a post for him near some trash containers.

Fred squeezes a grocery paper bag in his arms as if it was a most valuable treasure.

====================

NOTE: SETTINGS

A narrow alley represents a metaphor indicating that Parisa does not have many options or people she can trust. The darkness also represents what prevents Parisa from finding the solution, say, the things that she ignores or that she can’t see.

This setting challenges the hero to face her fears. Under pressure, she tends to push herself to take risks just to avoid feeling guilt for having failed, or well, she gets pessimistic and might feel guilty even before failing,

====================

PARISA

And if you see or hear something?

FRED

Fred gives you a call.

PARISA

Speed dial?

FRED

Set up, ma’m.

PARISA

This might take the whole night. Are you well suppied?

FRED

I’m sure you brought me ‘nough, uh…

(points at the paper bag)

May I?

Parisa approves.

Fred takes a peek into the paper bag, then searches with his hand.

FRED (CONT’D)

Well, c’mon-c’mon. Oh! Ah, chill! Six cold and, and a… what’s this?

He peels off the paper wrap of a bottle neck, uncorks it with his teeth and gets an eye-closed connoisseur sniff.

FRED (CONT’D)

I’ll be damned… if not a fake tan, an iron dram for sure.

PARISA

Well?

FRED

(pats the bag)

Will do, hehe… I mean, will do.

PARISA

I’ll be up there on the roof on other side.

Fred sits on the ground nearby the trash containers. His full attention taken by the paper bag.

PARISA (CONT’D)

Listen, I really appreciate your help. Please don’t take any risk. OK? Be… be safe.

Eyes glued to the bag, Fred replies with a military salute.

Parisa takes a glance at the drunkard enjoying his treasure like a child with new toys in Christmas.

She shakes her head and leaves. A second later, she returns.

PARISA (CONT’D)

Hey, listen. I’m sorry. You can keep the booze and go home. This might get a bit… I mean, I’ll do it myself.

====================

CONFLICT/TENSION

To rescue her boyfriend, Parisa needs help to monitor the facility where he was last seen, but she has few people she can trust (external conflict). She regrets using alcohol to get bet-solicitor, Fred, involved (internal conflict). She realizes that things might get too dangerous and so, her solution may cause even more problems. This also shows Parisa “highly principled” character trait.

====================

Fred pulls the bottle from the paper bag and uncorks it with his teeth.

FRED

Can I ask you something?

Parisa remains quiet. She avoids Fred’s eyes.

FRED

Why are you doing this?

Parisa hesitates to answer, but concedes.

PARISA

I… I must. It’s complex. A life—

FRED

Are YOU afraid?

Parisa bites her lips.

VOICES (V.O.)

(whispering reverberation)

Are you afraid? Are you afraid?

AFRAID. AFRAID. YOU. AFRAID—

Parisa refuses to look into Fred’s eyes.

FRED

ARE. YOU. —

PARISA

(shaking)

YES! YES, I AM!

====================

NOTE: Parisa’s character traits show, “fearful,” “withdrawn”

====================

FRED

(composed)

Well, that’s perfect.

Parisa considers the drunkard’s words.

PARISA

H-how come?

FRED

‘Cos, really, think about it. There’s no better time to be brave than when you’re scared to your bones.

Still shaking, Parisa bites her lips. Nods.

Fred raises his bottle and downs a mouthful.

FRED (CONT’D)

To courage, ma’m!

====================

NOTE: SETUP/PAYOFF

The question “Are you afraid?” and Fred’s toast “To courage!” are meant to challenge the protagonist and create a profound moment. The payoff will create excitement as well as provide closure in the revised ending.

====================

Parisa takes a deep breath, replies with a military salute and leaves.

Fred corks the bottle.

He keeps an eye on the woman walking then, running with resolve through the alley and around the corner.

====================

NOTE: MISLEADS AND REVEALS

This scene and the subsequent performance of the ultra-secret operatives are meant to surprise the audience with the last scene reveal: Fred is the boss.

====================

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores Creates a Future!

What I learned from doing this…

The concept of setup/payoff linked to subplot comes handy in here.

Approaching the assignment from the ScreenwritingU Mini-Movie Method (MMM) course, my selected scene is part of sequence 5, subplot and raising action. Subplot consists on a setup, middle and payoff, which is a similar structure to create suspense, which is one of the strategies to “create a future.”

It is fantastic to see how the combination of these concepts can render endless tones and shades of outcomes.

ASSIGNMENT

———-

Write the scene in a way that compels us to read on by creating a future for the scene. List your character names along with each character’s traits and their SCL (Subtext Character Logline) above the scene.

CHARACTER 1: Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who must learn MMA fighting to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring linked to the underground tournaments.

Traits: highly principled, perfectionist, extremely emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn, traumatized

Subtext: highly principled, perfectionist

SCL: Parisa is a highly principled person, a fearful cheerleader turned into MMA fighter who lives tormented by the experience of having seen her sister die.

CHARACTER 2: Sandy Estrella is Parisa’s bosom friend.

Basic character traits: Adventurous, impulsive, greedy, unpredictable

Subtext: impulsive, unpredictable

SCL: Sandy is a greedy, impulsive and unpredictable locker-room keeper who envies Parisa for having the chance to fight in the cage.

====================

NOTE: This scene comes after Parisa’s first victory in the underground MMA fights. Previously, Parisa had accepted her uncle’s advise to take latin dance lessons with two instructors, a Chinese and a Brazilian, who happen to be Shuajiao (Chinese wrestling) and Brazil Capoeira masters, respectively.

====================

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Parisa returns to the lockers after the fight. This time, she comes with a big smile. Sandy gives her a high-five.

SANDY

Welcome back, champion!

PARISA

Now how bad is that?

Parisa lays down on the massage table. Sandy examines Parisa.

SANDY

Lemme see. Mmh, couple of scratches. Not bad at all, I’d say!

PARISA

I can’t believe it. It works!

SANDY

I told you. Trust your uncle-manager. The man (taps her temple) has this, uh?

PARISA

Yeah. “Fight the way you dance,” he said.

SANDY

You know what? I feel like I should be the next girl inside the cage.

Parisa closes her eyes and relaxes.

SANDY

Hey, hey! I’m serious. I’m gonna get inside that freaking cage, Bubbles.

====================

NOTE: This shows Sandy’s traits: greedy, unpredictable. It also creates uncertainty about Sandy’s reckless decision.

====================

PARISA

It takes work, LOTS of hours and hard—

====================

NOTE: Parisa’s perfectionist side emerges

====================

SANDY

What? You think I’m less than you? Are you special or what?

PARISA

Oh, no. Sandy—

SANDY

You said that dancing works, right? So—

PARISA

I mean that—

SANDY

… anyone should have a chance to be a champ.

PARISA

Well, yes. But—

SANDY

But you disagree… ‘cos you’re special, uh?

PARISA

Let me explain—

SANDY

Of course, now you feel you’re up there. You dance—

PARISA

Sandy, no. I just—

SANDY

I’ll show you whose beats do the best dance!

PARISA

No. Wait. Let me—

SANDY

And you know what? I’m gonna beat that bully bitch who scares the shit out of you! You’ll see!

Sandy rushes out of the lockers and…

PARISA

Wait, no! Sandy, listen! Where are you go—

DOOR SLAM

====================

NOTE: This attack-counter dialogue ends with a warning. It leads us to question: is she really going to get in a fight with Ruthless? This is also meant to create suspense, making us worry about a future incident. It also shows Parisa’s principled action, as well as Sandy’s impulsiveness and unpredictable character.

====================

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Three Endings

What I learned doing this assignment:

The more I explore and brainstorm about the different endings, the more interesting possibilities that come up. Ultimately, some of these can be incorporated at the beginning of the third act or in the other sections. The experience of taking this lesson is great!

———————

Try ALL THREE of these endings with your story.

UP ENDING

– Beginning of 3rd Act.

Down: Parisa, Bahadur and Philip realize that the Ruler won’t let them go even if they won the tournament, or even if they gave him the secret that Bahadur keeps. As they try to send a message out, Philip gets killed.

– Twists

(FEAR) Now that Phillip is dead and Bahadur, too weak to fight. Parisa is the only option to face the Ruler’s favorite, Shahnaz, in the tournament’s final.

(SETUP) Maroon Cloak reviews surveillance video with conversations between Parisa and her boyfriend. He finds a talk related to Parisa’s acrophobia (fear of heights), so he tells the Ruler to make the final fight take place on a monkey-bar kind of scaffold high above the ground.

(HOPE) Parisa decides that she will make her own rules instead of following the Ruler’s game. She fabricates a nine-section whip and conceals it as a decoration on the Persian Warrior mask that she plans to wear in the fight.

– Crisis.

(FEAR) Ring masters forbid Parisa from wearing the mask.

(HOPE) Parisa argues that her intention is to provide the Persian Warrior that was expected to fight in the final.

(FEAR) Head ring master confronts Parisa. She holds to her reasons.

(HOPE) Parisa gets the Ruler’s approval to wear the mask.

– Climax.

(FEAR) Parisa is in a David-Goliath fight. The massive fighter punishes her, until…

(HOPE) Parisa decides to play under her own rules. She detaches the nine-section whip from the mask and hurts Shahnaz’s right arm.

(FEAR) They climb up the scaffold. Parisa’s anxiety is about to get triggered by the height, but she avoids looking down. (PAYOFF) The inner voices whisper: “Higher, higher” like in the opening scene when she adjusted the treadmill controls.

(HOPE) Shahnaz is at a disadvantage with only one arm to hang on to the frame. Parisa manages to apply an arm bar with triangle pressing the giant’s neck veins. Shahnaz does not concede. The pressure on his neck sends him to sleep.

(FEAR) The two fall off from the scaffold and perish. Parisa goes through a supernatural experience where she makes amends with her sister and Sandy.

(HOPE) Maroon Cloak decides to give the antidote to Bahadur, who…

(FEAR) Helplessly holds to Parisa’s lifeless body and does not let go.

(HOPE) Right then, a rescue team attacks the underground camp and defeats the Ruler. Philip’s massage went out. They take Parisa and Bahadur away on an air ambulance.

(FEAR) Bahadur leaves the antidote behind.

(HOPE) Timely medical attention saves Parisa’s life. Bahadur recovers his desire to live. Tells the rescue team where he left the antidote. A jet board is dispatched to retrieve it.

– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

Parisa rescued her boyfriend and more than a fighter, she becomes a fearless warrior.

========================

DOWN ENDING

– Beginning of 3rd Act.

UP: Parisa, Bahadur and Philip realize that the Ruler won’t let them go even if they won the tournament, or even if they gave him the secret that Bahadur keeps. As they try to send a message out, Philip gets killed. When Parisa finds out that Philip had planned to slowly kill Bahadur by reducing his medication, both feel relief. One less enemy, they think.

– Twists/Crisis

Same as in UP ENDING

– Climax.

(HOPE) Right then, a rescue team attacks the underground camp and defeats the Ruler. Philip’s massage went out. They take Parisa and Bahadur away on an air ambulance.

(FEAR) Bahadur leaves the antidote behind. On the air ambulance, the medical team confirms Parisa is gone. Bahadur tells the rescue team the secret data before he dies.

– Resolution.

A waiting area at the airport. Sylvain meets with a man who covertly delivers two medals and an official letter. Coach Wang and Mestre Oliveira conduct ritualistic ceremonies. A tape falls off a picture frame. An abandoned treadmill glowing control panel fades out.

– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

Parisa did not rescue her boyfriend, but died with honor… not as a mere fighter, but as a real warrior.

========================

IRONIC ENDING

– Beginning of 3rd Act /Twists/Crisis/Climax.

Same as UP ENDING, except Parisa ends up long-term handicapped

– Resolution.

A waiting area at the airport, Sylvain meets with a man who covertly delivers two medals and an official letter. As he leaves, we finally see the face of the man. It is drunkard bet collector, FRED CORNER!

As Sylvain gets in his car and drives away, we learn that the letter details the witness protection program for Parisa and Bahadur, including an initial bank deposit and a deferred financial support plan of investments, horserace bets, lottery bills, that they must purchase at specific places and times, as these are all set to win. There’s no name on the signature. The document just reads: “Get married, have children, and live happily ever after! Merci!”

– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

Parisa rescued her boyfriend and secured their financial future. Although she may be medical disabled, more than a fighter, she now holds the spirit of the warrior, which goes beyond physical action.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ 3rd Act Structure

What I learned doing this assignment

We strive for clarity. Outlining helps us having an organized slate with structure, where we can apply the yardstick and gauge quality, check on what might be missing, etc.

ASSIGNMENT

———————

A. Answer the 5 questions below

1. What is it that fascinates you about this story?

— It’s about empowerment (girl power, gender balance), which I have advocated for decades as educator and martial arts coach

— it’s about the protagonist physical and emotional emancipation

— it compares-contrasts dance and fighting

2. What is the main conflict of the story?

Human versus Power (Rules)

3. What is the main goal/need of your protagonist?

Want: to rescue her boyfriend

Need: to become an underground MMA fighter in no time

4. What is the character arc of your main characters?

A fragile cheerleader coach becomes a courageous warrior

5. How do you want this movie to end?

A realistic ending. The hero is overpowered by her opponent and killed, but survives thanks to receiving timely medical attention.

B. Give a short description of how each of these structural steps

will occur in your script.

1. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.

Parisa is the only choice for the tournament final as Philip gets killed and Bahadur is extremely weakened by the poison.

2. CRISIS — The decision point.

Highly principled, Parisa has to accept that in a fight to death, victory implies survival

3. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.

Parisa is to fight Shahnaz, the Ruler’s favorite, on a scaffold at a high distance from the ground. The setting sets off the anxiety that numbs Parisa. She relives the moment when her sister fell off a high building

4. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.

Although Parisa wins the match and, along with that, the antidote to save her boyfriend, the two contestants fall off the scaffold and die. Parisa survives due to timely medical attention. In her passing to the other side, she fixes things with her sister, with her bosom friend Sandy, and witnesses her mom’s departure (replacing her?)

5. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.

Parisa returns to the cheerleaders team to share her learning with the students.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Visuals.

What I learned doing this assignment

PART 1: Although the script has some issues on formatting, the contrast with the selected description highlights is exactly a good lesson for me. I wonder, how would I write this one? I used to have nightmares after watching Sissy Spacek’s Carrie in 1976.

PART 2: The use of similes, metaphor and comparison, should be done with care. If forced, it could have a negative impact on clarity or brevity.

——————————–

Part One: Pick one of your favorite scripts and make a list of the

descriptive words/phrases they use over 10 to 20 pages.

——————————–

Movie: Carrie (script date: 2011)

(From the introduction of the main characters: Carrie, the protagonist, and Chris, the antagonist as well as Tommy and Sue — supporting characters)

Smiling, Tommy trots back to the BOYS. Sue rejoins the girls’ volleyball game. She, CHRIS (a haughty hottie) , and CARRIE (a duck amongst swans ) , are on the GOLD team against BLUE .

(After Chris, antagonist, and Carrie, protagonist, collided when trying to save a volleyball dig)

Chris, enraged, looking at Carrie, a deer staring down a rifle’s barrel.

(A description of the setting, the school culture)

PRINCIPAL MORTON’S secretary, MISS FINCH, sits behind her desk. Carrie, clutching her books to her chest like a shield, looks down at her feet. Two delinquents, GREG DeLOIS and HARRY TRENNANT, sit nearby, waiting for their turn to be sentenced by Morton.

(A scene when Carrie uses her mind to push a naughty boy off his bike and realizes she can do “miracles”)

She goes around the block, stops. Realizes what she’s done; the smile fades. She looks at the trees above her, branches swaying, as if pushed by God’s hand…

(This is from page 104, but it is so good that I need to include it in here)

Suddenly, the lugs FLY OFF, letting loose a TORRENT of water, shooting into the air, forming a sort of…T-CROSS OF WATER. Carrie stands there, enjoying the geyser. She opens her arms, lets the water baptize her.

Behind Carrie, in the BG, Ewen High continues to burn. A symphony of fire and water in this shot. After a few moments, Carrie continues her slow, steady march. . .

——————————–

Part Two: Look back through your last few assignment scenes. Pick out 5

descriptive sentences you can improve.

——————————–

INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.

[COMPARISON — METAPHOR]

The silhouette of a treadmill cold frame and handrails stands like a ghost ship harbored in a misty sea of trash and dirt.

[EXAGGERATION — COMPARISON]

The treadmill’s control panel glows in the darkness like an old, dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.

[EXAGGERATION – COMPARISON]

She pours a bottle of water on her head and climbs on the treadmill like one who gets on the back of an untamed beast.

[METAPHOR — EXAGGERATION]

Her strong yet delicate hand pushes the console START button and… BUZZ, the burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster.

[ACTION VERB]

THE PICTURES ON THE WALL

… echo the cheers and the applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies, the medals and trophies.

[METAPHOR]

Motion starts…

The beast utters a loud cry: SHRIEEEK ! ! !

It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.

[METAPHOR — ACTION VERB]

The treadmill-ghost-ship reluctantly sets off on a fitness journey with Parisa at the helm.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Great Ending movie

What I learned doing this assignment

I’ve heard that “Back to the Future I” is a model of structure in screenwriting. Anyway, it is my favorite movie of all times. I found endless examples of the skills we have explored in the Pro Series, including dramatic suspense, dialogue, character and story subtext.

The third act has plenty of examples of all of these skills, but what makes the great ending is the roller-coaster of hope-fear sequences that combine the main plot (Will Marty make his parents fall in love and kiss at the dance?) with the subplot (Will Marty be able to go back to the future and prevent Doc from being killed by the Libyans?), the setup-payoffs, and the ultimate, so enjoyable and surprising, yet inevitable flying car going into a new adventure to the future… flying, yes, flying! Because “Where we’ going there are NO ROADS,” says Doc.

ASSIGNMENT

———————

1. Select a movie you’ve seen that you think has a great ending:

Back to the Future I

2. Fast forward it to the beginning of the 3rd act. Usually, that

means you’ll be watching the last 30 minutes of the movie.

3. Watch the 3rd act, taking notes about what makes it a great

ending. Especially note how it is surprising, yet inevitable.

— In 1955, Doc develops a plan to get Marty back to the future using the power of lightning from the storm that damaged the town’s clocktower.

— Lorraine, Marty’s mom, falls for Marty and pushes him to take her to the prom dance where she was supposed to fall in love with George McFly, Marty’s dad.

— Marty coaches George about how to call Lorraine’s attention, they plan to fake a scene where Marty is taking advantage of Lorraine in his car and then, George comes to her rescue.

PAYOFF: When Marty and Lorraine get to the dance parking area. They stay in the car. Marty gets dumbfounded when Lorraine is comfortable sitting in the car with him. Then, she reveals that she likes drinking and smoking. She kisses Marty, but feels it’s wrong “as if she had kissed her brother.”

TWIST: Something goes wrong. Instead of George coming to the rescue, Biff the bully and his gang come to the scene and get Marty away. They lock him into someone else’s car trunk. What’s worse, the car trunk keys are inside the locked trunk along with Marty.

— George arrives at the scene, ready to rescue Lorraine, but he chickens out when he finds it’s Biff. The bully twists George’s arm.

TWIST: Unexpectedly, George gets courage from nowhere and knocks Biff unconscious with a single punch.

TWIST: Marty gets free. The hand of the guy who got the trunk open gets hurt. He is the band’s guitar. They plan to cancel the dance unless they find someone to substitute the guitar guy. Marty takes his place.

— George takes Lorraine to the dance and stands as a ‘hero’ in the eyes of Lorraine and everyone.

TWIST: Someone interrupts their dancing, taking Lorraine away from George, who walks away as a loser he is. Marty feels he is fading away, same as the images of his siblings on a picture that he carries in his wallet.

TWIST: Unexpectedly, George gets Lorraine back, pushes the punk away, and kisses Lorraine. Marty recovers his strength. The images of his siblings reappear on the picture.

— Marty gets to the town square where Doc has everything ready to send him back.

NEW FINDING FOR ME: When Marty reports to Doc that George behaved courageous like never before, Doc gets alarmed. His reaction confirms his fears. No matter how careful they had been so far, their actions have already altered the future!

TWIST: lightning and wind cause a tree branch to unplug the cables that Doc had installed to fuse the car’s time-travel system. Now Doc will have to climb the clock tower and fix it in a rush or miss the time when the thunder strikes the tower.

— Marty modifies the arrival time for ten minutes, so he can alert Doc and prevent him from getting killed.

CLIMAX: Doc manages to plug the cables, but another connection gets unplugged near the opposite far end and there is no way that Doc can fix it on time.

— The car dies out. Marty cannot get it started. At last, Marty’s frustration turns into his head hitting the car’s driving wheel, which gets the engine going.

— With one minute of time left, Doc slides through the cable, falls, gets back on his feet and connects the cables right on time for the electric current to pass through the circuit and fuse the time-travel system.

— Marty gets back to the future, but the car dies out again and he has to go on foot just to witness the killing of Doc.

— Fortunately, this time Doc wore a bulletproof vest. He read the warning letter Marty wrote 30 years ago.

RESOLUTION: Doc takes Marty home and leaves on a trip to the future. For Marty everything has changed

— The future was altered. Marty lives now in his dream world where his family is prosperous. Most of all, his sweetheart, Jennifer and he…

TWIST: But right when Marty is about to enjoy his new dream reality, Doc reappears. He is back from the future and needs to take Marty, and this time Jennifer comes along as well on a new adventure. Doc throws trash into the fuel system of the car. It’s the kind of fuel the car uses now.

FINAL SCENE: Marty warns Doc that the road is too short to reach the 88 mph the time-travel system needs to kick off. Doc says: “Roads? Where we’ going there’re no roads” The car flies into the air and away, back to the future!

4. Rewind it and watch the entire movie. This time, note everything

you see that SETS UP the ending. This is a very important step.

Don’t skip it. It will show you how important those setups are to

the success of the ending.

The movie’s premise is about what would happen if you could meet your parents when they were young? Marty McFly has his chance to find out.

— Marty Mcfly befriends a crazy scientist, doctor Emmett Brown, AKA Doc, who developed a time-machine in form of a sports car.

— The day before the test, Marty fails an audition to perform with his band at the school dance.

SETUP: Disheartened, he goes to town square where he gets a “Save the Clock Tower” campaign flyer with the exact details about the storm that damaged the clock tower 30 years in the past. He keeps the flyer because Jennifer is going to spend overnight at her grandma and she wrote her grandma’s phone number in the back of the flyer.

SETUP: At home, when Marty’s sister tells Marty that Jennifer called, he and his siblings get to hear the story about how mom and dad met and how much mom dislikes the idea of girls calling boys and sitting in cars at a parking area.

INCITING INCIDENT: Unfortunately, to get the nuclear components for his project, Doc gets involved in deals with Libyan terrorists. They find out that Doc cheated them and on the night of time travel test, the Libyans shoot him dead.

LOCK IN: Marty runs away from the Libyans in the car. But when he reaches 88 mph the time travel system gets activated and Marty goes to the time when his parents met in 1955. The date was selected by Doc when showing Marty how the machine worked. He said that was the year when he designed the flux capacitor that allows for time traveling.

— Marty looks for Doc in 1955 and requests his help to fix the car so he can go back to the future.

PAYOFF: Doc is skeptical about what Marty says about him coming from the future, but when Marty describes how on that day Doc fell, bumped his head and designed the flux capacitor, he gets Doc’s attention.

SETUP: Doc, however, anticipates that their actions may have an impact on events and change the future. He also estimates that it is impossible to get enough energy to power up the time travel system, which takes the equivalent of a lightning bolt. He explains that it is impossible to predict when and where lightning would strike.

PAYOFF: Yet, Marty shows him the flyer from the “Save the Clock Tower” campaign, where the exact time lightning stroke the tower is detailed.

SETUP: Doc makes Marty aware that if his parents don’t get to dance and have a kiss that night, the future would change and Marty would not exist.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Misleads/Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment

Misleads and reveals are similar to setups/payoffs and subtext, but it is necessary to identify them well, because this concept of misleads/reveals gives us endless opportunities to mix all these strategies and obtain very different outcomes.

———-

1. List your character names along with each character’s traits and their subtext above the scene.

CHARACTER 1:

Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring led by The Ruler.

SUBTEXT:

highly principled, a perfectionist, very emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn

CHARACTER 2:

Philip an agent from an ultra-clandestine organization assigned to prevent Badahur to spill the secret, and terminate him if necessary.

SUBTEXT:

highly efficient, unstable: impulsive self-damaging (over-spending, sex, reckless driving), socially shallow.

2. Look through your outline and find a scene that will work well with a Mislead / Reveal.

There are at least two previous scenes that set up the mislead:

— Parisa and boyfriend, Bahadur, believe that Philip’s mission is to protect Bahadur and take them out of captivity.

— Philip took a beaten from the criminals, which misleads Parisa and Bahadur to believe he is on their side, making them a triad.

3. Write a scene that uses both misleads and reveals to deliver its story.

The goal of this scene is to reveal:

— Philip’s real mission is to prevent the secret data spill, even if he had to terminate Bahadur.

— Plant a new mislead, making the audience think that Philip dislikes Parisa, when in fact, (future reveal) he will try to seduce her and he will even plan to gradually kill Bahadur in order to get the girl.

EXT. DESERT — RULER’S UNDERGROUND MMA COMPLEX — NIGHT

Philip sits alone in the sand. He cuts his fighter handwraps using his metal nail implants. Parisa approaches him.

=====================

MISLEAD: Why is Parisa looking for Philip alone?

=====================

PHILIP

What’ you want?

PARISA

Are you OK? We were wondering—

PHILIP

I’m not OK. Leave me alone.

PARISA

Listen. You got beaten for us and I —

=====================

MISLEAD: Parisa is requested to leave, but she stays

=====================

PHILIP

Save your nice words. Go back.

PARISA

Sure. Mmh… uh, sure.

Parisa leaves.

Philip’s stares at his tape-free left hand. He cuts his forearm skin open with the metal implants. Painfully, he glares at the blood that pours from the wound.

Parisa returns.

PARISA

OK. Listen, I just wanted—

(looks at the blood)

Hey, STOP! Don’t… don’t—

She dashes to Philip side, grabs pieces of the handwraps and covers the cut.

=====================

MISLEAD: Is Parisa’s concern and proximity revealing something?

=====================

PARISA (CON’T)

Here! Don’t move! Just need to press this… Don’t move!

PHILIP

Is just a scratch.

PARISA

Don’t move. You will be fine. How did you, I mean, what—

Philip unfolds his nail implants.

Parisa openmouthed takes a glance at the blades.

Philip quickly folds them back.

PARISA (CON’T)

You could have killed the guards with those! But you let them… Now, seriously, why’ you —

PHILIP

Nah. Uh-uh. If they found out, they’d chop my hands off. Nah. Not just yet.

PARISA

Hey. Can you…

PHILIP

What?

PARISA

Can you take us out of here?

PHILIP

Oh, that?

PARISA

Can you?

PHILIP

That’s not my mission.

=====================

REVEAL: Philip is not meant to protect Bahadur

=====================

PARISA

So what’s your mission?

PHILIP

Monitoring. Prevent payload disclosure.

PARISA

W-what? OK. Now in English, please.

PHILIP

To monitor the… mmh, the witness. Prevent him from giving the secret away.

=====================

REVEAL: So that is Philip’s mission

=====================

PARISA

So, your job’s to protect “B”, which means—

=====================

MISLEAD: Parisa reminds us what she was misled to think

=====================

PHILIP

No. That’s not part of the deal.

PARISA

But, but you just said—

PHILIP

Look. My orders—

PARISA

But then how can you prevent him from giving the secret away?

Philip’s eyes look somewhere else. Pulls a cigarette pack from his pocket. It’s empty.

PHILIP

Damn it!

(to Parisa)

Bet you don’t happen to have a… uh?

Parisa shakes her head. Philip crumples the empty pack.

PHILIP

Knew it. Anyway… Repository must be monitored. Closely.

Parisa scrutinizes Philip’s eyes.

PHILIP (CON’T)

Anything that could result in payload disclosure MUST be anticipated and…

Philip throws away the empty cigarette pack.

PHILIP (CON’T)

… TERMINATED.

=====================

REVEAL: The mission spelled out

=====================

PARISA

(grows impatient)

Look. You don’t want to speak English (quits pressing wound) so, I think I better go.

Parisa takes off with quick steps.

PHILIP

Hey! Hey!… Thank you!

PARISA

Forget it. It’s nothing.

PHILIP

Not talking ‘bout the wound.

Parisa slows down. Confused.

PHILIP (CON’T)

I asked you to go back hours ago.

Philip throws away the handwraps that Parisa used to put pressure on the wound.

PHILIP (CON’T)

… and seems that you just finally listened.

=====================

SETUP: This action is the setup for a new mislead, making us think that Philip dislikes Parisa

=====================

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio’s Crucible

What I learned from doing this assignment

This crucible gave me the opportunity to elevate the abduction of Parisa’s boyfriend, which is the inciting incident of the story.

CHARACTER 1

Sylvain: Parisa’s uncle. A shrewd underground MMA entrepreneur with unconventional, creative training methods

SUBTEXT: shrewd, creative, unconventional, compassionate

CHARACTER 2

Bahadur: Parisa’s fiancé. A daytime janitor and an underground MMA prizefighter at night. He gets poisoned and abducted by a criminal ring.

SUBTEXT: doubtful, tends to depend on others (people, systems, etc.), loyal, destructive-murderous

==========================

NOTE: This is from the opening scenes of the movie. Although Bahadur was on the run, he shows up for the weekly underground fight because they need the money to pay for Parisa’s mom medical bills. Yet, the criminal ring is tracking him down. They plan to poison and abduct him after the fight. His opponent is “The Ruler’s Favorite” Shahnaz.

==========================

INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – ARENA GATE

Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena. The smoke and lights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. He blindly trudges through the crowd. He trusts Sylvain to lead the way.

CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL

Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each of them join hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage access gate.

Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.

SYLVAIN
You know? I would call this off, but mom’s hospital bills are sucking your bank funds.

Bahadur, drowsy, does not reply

SYLVAN (CONT’D)

Anyway, you stand a better chance against just one man in that cage than against an angry mob… specially after they’ve laid their money on you.

CAGE ACCESS GATE

Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths. Sylvain takes a look inside the cage.

SYLVAIN’S POV

Shahnaz, a gigantic fighter, flexes muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. Growls like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.

BACK TO SCENE:

Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around towards Bahadur and tries to stop him from looking inside the cage.

SYLVAIN

Second thought… Let’s take our chances with the patrons. Think you could run fast?

Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.

BAHADUR

Too late. Gotta finish this!

Security guards quickly lock the gate.

INSIDE THE CAGE

The two fighters stand face to face. The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.

CAGE ACCESS GATE

Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.

SYLVAIN

Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!

Guards utter no sound.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D)

OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?

GUARD ONE

Sir. We got no towels to throw. A match is over when… it’s over. Y’ know what I mean?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Great Dialogue Scene from: Lucy

What I learned from this assignment is

Got to grasp this: make every line count, have purpose, and sound natural

This is from the opening scenes. It’s the morning after a wild party night. Lucy is about to part from Richard, when he asks her to deliver a briefcase to the front desk of a building. Lucy – cautious, skeptical – and Richard – cunning, cynic – have an extended rally of dialogue strikes.

EXT. STREET, TAIPEI – SUNRISE

The first ray of the sun’s light streams between the buildings of Taipei, touching the face of LUCY, 25. Last night’s make-up caked on her skin. She has been up all night.

She wears a tight leopard print miniskirt, and is trying †o get her jacket on her bare shoulders. RICHARD, 28, is standing next to her in vintage ray bans and a Bono-style Stetson.

Lucy takes a sip of her coffee from a Taiwanese Starbucks.

RICHARD

Lucy, it’s easy as pie. In, out, all done and dusted.

LUCY

So, why don’t you do it yourself?

RICHARD

(syrupy)

For fun, that ‘s all! The last thing the guy is expecting is a total 10 turning up to deliver his case. It will blow his mind. Oh, man!

=======================

DIALOGUE SUBTEXT: Richard is hiding something. That’s not the real reason why he doesn’t do the task himself.

=======================

She takes another sip of coffee, turning her face to the sun.

LUCY

What’s in it?

=======================

DIALOGUE REVEALING CHARACTER: Lucy might be a reckless wild party girl and yet, she is a cautious person

=======================

RICHARD

(shrugs)

Sweetheart! Don’t get paranoid on me! It’s fifty feet! And I’m right here! You trust me, don‘t you?

CUT:

FLASH of Lucy and Richard crazy on the dance floor.

FLASH of them drinking champagne and laughing.

FLASH of Richard filling a glass of champagne, and put a pill in it. Lucy shoots it down, without noticing.

FLASH of Lucy laughing

FLASH of Lucy being taken by Richard in the restrooms.

The Neanderthals aren‘t far away.

BACK TO SCENE

LUCY

I gotta go.

=======================

DIALOGUE SUBTEXT: No. I don’t trust you.

=======================

Lucy kisses him on the cheek, starts to go. Richard looks nervous, grabs her by the arm.

RICHARD

Hey, Lucy, Lucy!!! What are you doing?

=======================

DIALOGUE REVEALING CHARACTER: Richard is cunning, persistent.

=======================

LUCY

I have exams on Monday, Richard. So I’m gonna take a shower and work!

RICHARD

Hey, you know the other day, somebody dragged me to an exhibition –something about dinosaurs– and the first ever-prehistoric woman was right there. Know what? Her name was Lucy.

=======================

DIALOGUE METAPHOR: This is what Richard thinks of Lucy

=======================

INSERT:

The real prehistoric Lucy sits half-naked, gazing blankly at the camera.

BACK TO SCENE:

Miniskirt Lucy stares at Richard.

LUCY

And that’s supposed to make me feel better?

=======================

DIALOGUE SUBTEXT: You are an insolent moron and I can’t stand you

=======================

RICHARD

(realizes)

Yeah, no, I mean… Sorry! I guess I meant Lennon and McCartney‘s Lucy!

Lucy gives him a blank look. Richard hums the tune.

RICHARD (CONT’D)

(sings)

Lucy in the sky with dia-a-a-monds!

=======================

DIALOGUE REVEALING CHARACTER: Richard is a cynic. For him, Lucy is to be used for his selfish interest and pleasure.

=======================

Lucy rolls her eyes.

LUCY

I’ll call you this week.

=======================

DIALOGUE SUBTEXT: She’s not going to call a jerk like him. Yet, she tries to politely dismiss him.

=======================

She‘s ready to go.

Richard grabs her again by the arm. On the edge.

RICHARD

Lucy! Look, I can’t deliver the case myself. I had a little falling-out with the guy. Nothing major but… If we run into each other now, it’s gonna be a bit tense and who needs that right now? If it‘s you, problem’s solved. He takes the case, end of story.

=======================

DIALOGUE SUBTEXT: Again, that’s not the reason, but Richard is desperate and he is not going to tell the real reason, anyway.

=======================

Lucy sighs.

RICHARD (CONT’D)

It’ll take twenty seconds. You walk in there, go up to reception and ask for Mr. Wang. He comes down, takes the case, you flash him your prettiest smile and bounce. Look! You can see the reception from here! I won’t take my eyes off you. I‘ll even press my nose up against the window if you want.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Amazing Setting

What I learned doing this assignment:

When the setting is the focus of the rewriting, I get to see the scene from a different perspective. All it takes is to improving the action description and the setting helps to convey the meaning and even the subtext. I feel excited about this lesson, it takes my writing to a new level.

ASSIGNMENT

——————

BEFORE:

Essence of Scene: Opening scene. Introduces Parisa, a lonely woman in a depressing moment after breaking up with her fiancé. She is a cheerleader coach, a perfectionist. Her world has changed.

Setting:

INT. PARIS — A GLOOMY, SHABBY FITNESS ROOM (PARIS) — A WEEK LATER

A treadmill’s control panel glows in the darkness like an old, dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.

SUPER: A WEEK LATER, PARIS, 4:30 AM

Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, the slim, athletic silhouette of a WOMAN climbs on the machine. She pours water on her head. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes the console start button.

Pictures on the wall show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC career as cheerleader and coach. She replaces the tape blocking a legend “Mom & Dad’s Masterpiece“ engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child. She’s cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty. Except that… she does’t go for any of that.

She quickly wipes off the tears coming from…

HER CAPTIVATING EYES

that now focus on the console controls with expert attitude. Her fingers push the…

UP ARROWS

All digits roll up on the display, Distance. Speed. She sets her standards pretty high.

She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps swallow the pain.

Wireless earphones in place, she drops her cellphone in the console’s deck. A sound…

SHRIEEEK…

… frees the loud cry of the flywheel begging for maintenance or, perhaps, it is the first guitar chord of an electronic song that sets the reluctant treadmill ship off on a fitness journey — with Parisa on the helm.

====================

AFTER:

New Setting: It is basically the same setting, but I reorganized the description and revised the word choice as well.

INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

A gloomy, scruffy fitness room. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about loneliness.

How this has improved the scene:

Describing the setting as GLOOMY (dark, depressing, pessimistic space) sets the tone, suggesting that something bad is happening.

Meanwhile, the description SCRUFFY contrasts with the image of a perfectionist that Parisa demonstrates by setting high standards for her workout. Makes us wonder why she has allowed the room to fall in this circumstances.

A lonely woman going to the FITNESS ROOM in the middle of the night. The tears on her face suggest that she has something that must be let out.

[REVISED] INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

[REVISED] A gloomy, scruffy fitness room. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about loneliness.

[REVISED] SUPER: PARIS, 4:30 AM

A treadmill’s control panel glows in the darkness like an old, dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.

[REVISED] Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, the slim, athletic silhouette of a WOMAN climbs on the beast.

She pours water on her head. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes the console start button. The creature awakes.

[REVISED] Pictures on the wall show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC career as cheerleader and coach.

[REVISED] An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the legend:

“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“

..engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child.

She’s cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty. Except that… she does’t go for any of that…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Hey, everyone,

Late comer open for feedback!

I will be writing (unsolicited) feedback as well, but if you let me know where to find your latest version, it would be helpful.

TIA,

Antonio

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Page Turner!

What I learned doing this

Good practice brings improvement. I did not receive the skill sheet, so I designed my own. That makes the outcome more meaningful. I saw the scene improve beat by beat.

CHARACTER 1: Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who needs to become a fighter in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring led by The Ruler.

Traits: highly principled, perfectionist, extremely emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn, traumatized

Subtext: traumatized

SCL: Parisa suffers from anxiety caused by having seen her sister die. She often relives this moment. In secret, Parisa lives tormented by the idea that her sister felt neglected by parents and committed suicide. Picture frame: Mom and Dad’s masterpiece.

CHARACTER 2: Sandy Estrella is Parisa’s bosom friend.

Basic character traits: Adventurous, impulsive, greedy, unpredictable

Subtext: unpredictable

SCL: Sandy envies Parisa for having the opportunity to fight in the cage — although Parisa’s uncle strategy sounds crazy to her, she “what the heck!” encourages Parisa to guinea-pig the plan, so she could eventually use it as well.

THE END OF THE TRANSFORMATION

In the tournament final, Parisa fights Shanaz, the Ruler’s Favorite, on top of a high scaffold. She first envisions pressing the treadmill UP buttons and going for HIGH levels all her life. But then she falls off the scaffold along with Sharnaz.

INT. SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY

LITTLE AMY

…watches Parisa falling.

===================

NOTE: CAUSING ANTICIPATION THROUGH ACTION AND UNCERTAINTY (FEAR)

===================

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Badahur climbs down from his wheelchair. With his last ounce of strength, he frantically crawls towards Parisa and cuddles her lifeless body in his arms.

The Man in a Tunic approaches them. He is flanked with half a dozen guards. He throws a jewel box with the antidote towards Bahadur.

Badahur rocks back and forth with Parisa in his arms. Tries to ignore it, but then enraged, he kicks the antidote away. He continues the rocking motion as to keep his emotions grounded.

===================

NOTE: SUSPENSE — IMPENDING CRISIS

===================

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

A LOUD PFFT SOUND…

Air escapes. Makes everyone look upward.

THE DOME TOP…

…gets cut open. The blinding light and heat of the desert sun invades the arena.

THE DOME CANVAS…

…gradually slips off the supporting frame.

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS fly into the area.

Pilots wear goggles and multi-vision cameras on their helmets. They throw gas <font face=”Helvetica Neue”>grenades.</font>

The Ruler and his men are taken aback. They run for shelter.

===================

NOTE: UNCERTAINTY (HOPE)

===================

INT. SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY

A black box type of environment like the one where the tournament takes place. The area is empty. There is no octagon. People and things appear and disappear randomly.

LITTLE AMY

… stands in the middle, her eyes locked on a high place.

Parisa dressed in her Greek goddess costume approaches her from behind, turns her around and cuddles her in her arms.

===================

NOTE: UNCERTAINTY (FEAR)

===================

PARISA

Don’t look. Come over here, Amy. Don’t look.

===================

NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — SHIELDING FROM CONSEQUENCES

===================

Parisa takes Little Amy by the hand and walks with her.

PARISA (CONT’D)

I want you to see mom. She has something to show you.

Mom is sleeping on a couch a few steps away from them. She is in the same position Parisa last saw her in the foster home. Her arms cuddle Parisa’s twin picture frame.

Parisa holds her own twin picture frame. It is the picture frame from her home in Paris with the tape partially covering the phrase: “Mom and dad’s…”

PARISA (CONT’D)

Look. This is my picture, right?

Little Amy nods.

PARISA (CONT’D)

Now, do you see what mom has in her hands?

Little Amy’s curios eyes stretch to see what Parisa points at.

PARISA (CONT’D)

That is your picture.

Little Amy appears dumbfounded. Only the rear part of the frame is visible.

PARISA (CONT’D)

She never gave it to you, because she wanted to keep it. Do you understand what that means?

Little Amy lightens up, nods.

PARISA

Go. Check it out.

As Little Amy approaches, their mom wakes up. Smiles. Cuddles her. Shows her…

THE PICTURE

… where Little Amy appears exactly as we see her now.

EARLY-TEENS AMY stands up. She is now the girl who jumped off the building. She approaches Parisa and gently takes Parisa’s picture off her hands.

EARLY-TEENS AMY

I want to keep this picture with me if that’s OK. I mean, do you understand what that means?

Parisa can’t hold her tears. Nods. Amy fondly hugs her.

Their mom stands up. The three join in a strong embrace.

===================

NOTE: UNCERTAINTY (HOPE)

===================

As they move apart, Parisa is back in her fighting tracksuit, her hair undone, bruises appear on her face and a thread of blood streams down from top of her head.

===================

NOTE: UNCERTAINTY (FEAR)

===================

Amy and mom wave at her and walk away.

Parisa lays down on a massage table. Sandy approaches her and takes care of her injuries.

PARISA

How bad is it?

SANDY

(winces)

Uh, let’s see. Aw… molly-holly! Does it hurt, Bubbles?

Parisa nods in deep pain.

Sandy gets a well-supplied first-aid kit.

PARISA

It’s pretty bad, uh?

Sandy does not reply.

===================

NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — SILENCE IN A STRANGE PLACE

===================

PARISA (CONT’D)

Doctor, tell me the truth. Will I live long enough to be a fighter?

===================

NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — DIRECT INFERENCE

===================

Sandy patiently treats the wounds and bruises.

SANDY

Better, mmh, better hurry up, I’d say.

===================

NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — INDIRECT INFERENCE

===================

Sandy applies an ice pack to Parisa’s cheek.

SANDY

Uh, hold this ice pack for me, OK?

Sandy continues treating Parisa’s injuries.

PARISA

Thanks. (in pain) Aw-aw-waa…

SANDY

Sorry. I’ll be done in a minute, I promise.

PARISA

If I failed as a fighter but somehow survived, I’d volunteer as guinea pig for brain damage therapies.

SANDY

(giggles) Little Bubbles wanna be guinea piggy?

===================

NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — INDIRECT INFERENCE/HOPELESNESS

===================

The two giggle, except that giggling hurts Parisa.

PARISA

Aw-aw… Oh, my!

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

===================

NOTE: SUSPENSE — TO SAVE SOMEONE

===================

Chaos. Gas. Sand. Noise. Total confusion.

Badahur calls the attention of the paramedics. He waves his arms and points at the lifeless woman in his arms.

He notices the French flag on their uniforms.

BADAHUR

Hey! Aidez – moi! Aidez – moi!

There is no reaction.

===================

NOTE: SUSPENSE — BARRIERS AND COMPLICATIONS

===================

Badahur begs, yells, and yells his heart out.

BADAHUR

Aidez – moi! Aidez – moi! Listen, listen to me! Aidez – moi! Aidez – moi!

The paramedics finally notice him. They set up stretchers for him and Parisa. Jet boards take them away.

THE ANTIDOTE

… is left behind.

===================

NOTE: CAUSING ANTICIPATION THROUGH ACTION

===================

INT. SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY

The light seems to dim down.

PARISA’S POV —

SANDY sinks in the shadows. BLURS.

SANDY

Thanks, Bubbles… for all and everything.

She turns around and walks in the same direction Amy and mom did.

BACK TO SUPERNATURAL MEET ENVIRONMENT

The top of the dome’s canvas gets ripped. Blinding light penetrates the space.

Angels, perhaps drones and jet boards, seem to fly in along with the light.

SANDY (O.S.)

And, uh, Bubbles? You know? You kinda suck as a fighter…

(beat)

…but you’re a heck of a warrior.

<font>Parisa breathes with difficulty.</font>

PARISA (V.O.)

Fighter… warrior? W-what’s the difference?

BACK TO BLACK

MASTER WANG (V.O.)

Of course there’s a difference! Warriors transcend. Never die.

MESTRE OLIVEIRA (V.O.)

Flow along with the spirit, menina…

PARISA (V.O.)

The spirit of the warrior—

MESTRE OLIVEIRA (V.O.)

Now, you must go back.

PARISA (V.O.)

Go back? W-where?

INT. AIR AMBULANCE — CONT

Military paramedics. Air ambulance crew commotion.

PARAMEDIC 1

She’s back!

A medical team treats Parisa. Someone closes the curtain to isolate the patient.

===================

NOTE: CAUSING ANTICIPATION — THE LEADING CHARACTER WENT BACK AND FORTH FROM HOPE TO DANGER AND BACK AGAIN

===================

On the adjacent berth, Badahur lays with sunken eyes, almost bald, his hair covers the pillow and roll towards the blankets. Standing next to his berth, a paramedic enters notes in a tablet.

===================

NOTE: SUSPENSE — COUNTDOWN

===================

Badahur signs him to approach and whispers something in his ear.

===================

NOTE: SUSPENSE — AN OPPORTUNITY TO SAVE HIS LIFE

===================

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Abandoned in the middle of rumble and partially covered with sand at the extraction point

THE ANTIDOTE…

… not yet devoured by the sand storm.

Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot.

DISPATCHER (V.O.)

…palm size jewel box-like, iron gray color. Confirm, JB-seven

JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)

Negative, negative. The sand storm’s worsen. Minimum visibility. Repeat—

DISPATCHER (V.O.)

JET BOARD turbines might get clogged with sand. Abort search, JB-seven. Repeat: abort search.

JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)

Roger that. JB-seven new route set to air mother ship

===================

NOTE: SUSPENSE — BARRIERS AND COMPLICATIONS

===================

JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)

Estimated arrival in (beat) Wait! I see the dome.

DISPATCHER (V.O.)

JET BOARD turbines might get clogged. Your orders—

JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)

Acknowledged… palm size jewel box-like, iron gray color. I have a visual.

JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.

JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)

Package acquired. Repeat: package—

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Dramatic Devices Day 5 — Setup/Payoffs

What I learned doing this assignment:

Setups and payoffs help to establish cause-consequence relationships throughout the story. Everything happens for a reason. Yet, the non-linearity creates surprise and unexpected twists, among other things.

ASSIGNMENT

Create a scene with at least 2 setups and 2 payoffs.

===================

1. List your character names along with each character’s traits and their subtext above the scene.

===================

CHARACTER 1: Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who needs to become a fighter in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring led by The Ruler.

Traits: highly principled, perfectionist, extremely emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn, traumatized

Subtext: perfectionist, fearful / withdrawn

SCL: To rescue her fiancé, Parisa needs to quickly become a fighter — she doubts that the dancing strategy her uncle suggested may produce any results, but she doesn’t know how to express her disagreement.

CHARACTER 2: Sandy Estrella is Parisa’s bosom friend.

Basic character traits: Adventurous, impulsive, greedy, unpredictable

Subtext: greedy, unpredictable

SCL: Sandy envies Parisa for having the opportunity to fight in the cage — although Parisa’s uncle strategy sounds crazy to her, she “what the heck!” encourages Parisa to guinea-pig the plan, which she could eventually use as well.

====================

The key setup is a previous scene where Parisa’s uncle suggests that dancing is the fastest way for Parisa to become a fighter

SETUP: a challenge for the protagonist…

===================

SYLVAIN
Long ago, King Louis The Great… Ha! That guy…

PARISA
What?

SYLVAIN
He got it all just figured out. Voila! There! Best military training in the world.

PARISA
Is it fast? Does it work?

===================

SET UP: … as he warns:

===================

SYLVAIN
Might work… for you

Then, that all connects with a series of setups and payoffs in this scene:

After her third fight in the underground MMA, Parisa returns badly beaten to the lockers.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — NIGHT

Parisa lays down on a massage table. Sandy takes care of Parisa’s injuries.

PARISA
How bad is it?

===================

SETUP: This question helps establish a dependence relationship among Parisa and Sandy. It also foreshadows that when the dependence is over, the relationship might be over, too. It veils Sandy’s subtext as she covertly uses Parisa to pursue her greedy aspirations to become a fighter.

===================

SANDY
(winces)
Uh, let’s see. Aw… molly-holly…! Does it hurt, Bubbles?

Parisa nods. Holds her tears.

Sandy gets a well-supplied first aid kit.

PARISA
It’s bad, uh?

Sandy does not reply.

PARISA (CONT’D)
Doctor, tell me the truth. How much longer do I have?

===================

SETUP: This line foreshadows the tragic ending of the story.

===================

SANDY
Mmh, guess you’ll live, but hey, you must learn to fight sometime soon, uh?

PARISA
Will I live long enough to be a fighter?

Sandy patiently treats the wounds and bruises.

SANDY
Better hurry up, I’d say. By the way, how’s training going?

PARISA
I…I don’t know. I need to be a fighter (sobs) and I, I don’t even know if I got what it takes, but (sobs)…

SANDY
Hey, take it easy. Everything’s gonna—

PARISA
No! The problem is I’m not a fighter! Oh my, what I was thinking! That (beat) that cage… Now what? I’m, I’m— 


SANDY
But you’re training, right?

===================

SETUP: Sandy wants to know Parisa’s plan.

===================

PARISA
Dancing? Yes.

SANDY
So you’ve got a goal and… what? Dancing?

Sandy gets an ice pack from the kit. She shakes it, punches it, wraps it with gauze.

PARISA
My uncle believes that’s the fastest way for me to learn to fight.

Sandy applies an ice pack to Parisa’s cheek.

SANDY
How come?

Uh, hold this ice pack for me, OK? Don’t want your freckles get swollen.

PARISA
Thanks. (in pain) Aw-aw-waa…

SANDY
What’s training like?

PARISA
Just steps. Place your foot here, there. Step right, left. Wrap your partner’s leg. Oh, some boring bodywork, too.

Sandy’s hands demonstrate familiarity treating cuts.

SANDY
Body… what?

PARISA
Like turns, waves, arching… Aw, that hurts!

SANDY
Sorry. I’ll be done in a minute, I promise.

PARISA
If I failed as a fighter but somehow survived, I’d volunteer as guinea pig for brain damage therapies.

SANDY
(giggles) Little Bubbles wanna be guinea piggy?
===================

SETUP: Parisa doesn’t know that Sandy wants her to guinea-pig the method and if it works, who knows, she might use it as well. Sandy ignores that Sylvain pointed this method might work for Parisa (given her background in dance and cheerleading), but this may not necessarily work for anyone else.

===================

PARISA
All in the name of science. Who knows, I may even get my brain cured.

SANDY
Then, what the heck! Sounds crazy, but those dancing lessons might work.

PARISA
Why you think so?

SANDY
‘Cos, uh, ‘cos your uncle is an experienced manager and, mmh, he… he wouldn’t lie to you.
Besides, I don’t think he enjoys watching you getting beaten in the cage, uh?

PARISA
That, uh, I think that makes sense.

SANDY
Of course, freckles! I said so.

The two giggle, except that giggling hurts Parisa.

PARISA
Aw-aw… Oh, my!

INT. MONTAGE 1: DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa shows how charming she is in latin rhythms: salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

INT. MONTAGE 2: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.

===================

PAYOFF: Now we know why Sylvain suggested these friends of his could help Parisa.

===================

INT. MONTAGE 3: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

The masters help Parisa build martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles.

===================

PAYOFF: Now we know why Sylvain estimated that such an approach may work for Parisa, but it may not work for anybody else.

===================

INT. MONTAGE 3A: SANDY’S RESEARCH — DAY

— Sandy runs a search for unconventional fighters.

— She studies their moves.

SANDY
The way they dance…

— ON SCREEN: Prince Naseem Hamed cool dance moves

— ON SCREEN: Prince Naseem Hamed dodging punches

— ON SCREEN: Prince Naseem Hamed winning by knockout over…

— ON SCREEN: … and over

SANDY (CONT’D)
… the way they fight, uh, Bubbles?

===================

PAYOFF: Now we know why Sandy was so keen to know the details of Parisa’s training

===================

INT. MONTAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS CAPOEIRA INSTRUMENTS — DAY

— Parisa discovers a type of spurs (knives) in Maestre Oliveira collection.

— Maestre Oliveira’s disciple wears the spurs. Cuts a dummy´s middle section, legs, and neck.
— Parisa does a butterfly shuanzi jumping kick. Chops a dummy’s neck

INT. MONTAGE 4A: SANDY’S HIP-HOP FIGHTING STYLE

— Sandy adapts hip-hop moves to fighting.

— Walkman-knee attack a punching bag.

— Robot dance arm moves turned into punching bag drill

===================

SETUP: This is to mislead the audience into believing it would be very easy to use some dance steps to create fighting drills, yet, without the tactical knowledge of a professional coach, this approach might be ineffective.

===================

INT. MONTAGE 5: MARTIAL ARTS: ROPE DART — DAY

— Parisa observes the rope-dart.

— She awkwardly manipulates it.

— After several attempts throwing the dart and missing the target…

— She finally lands the dart on the bullseye.

INT. MONTAGE 6: MIXED MARTIAL LATIN — UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

— Parisa dodges punches, limbo arching back to avoid a back spinning kick.

— Pinned down, she kicks back from floor Capoeira style. Knocks down opponent.

— Parisa tango steps and pins down the opponent.

— Parisa locks opponent’s neck to submission…

— Parisa’s arm gets raised — a win!

===================

PAYOFF: Surprise! Now we see that specific dance moves were specifically selected according to Parisa’s movement style to help her internalize defense-attack tactics

===================

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ uncertainty scene

What I learned from this assignment

Ups and downs make a roller-coaster!

MOVIE: Taken

=============

NOTE: This goes from page 48 to 51 of the script. Retired CIA agent Bryan Mills’ daughter is kidnapped in Paris by a women-trafficking ring. His former associates say that he may have a window of 96 hours before his daughter cannot be traced. Bryan flies to Paris, examines the room where the kidnapping took place and recovers his daughter’s smashed cellphone.

=============

[HOPE]

Bryan removes the chip from the back of the smashed phone, examines it.

CLOSE UP

The chip being inserted into a machine.

PULL BACK TO

INT. ELECTRONICS SHOP – DAY

Bryan is looking at the screen of the machine. He sees: pictures of Amanda and Kim camping and mugging in the LA airport, on the plane, in the Paris Airport.

Each picture is of one or the other. Except the last one, where they are both mugging for the camera on the taxi line.

Bryan starts to manipulate the framing of the picture until he catches a glimpse of a reflection in a security mirror of the person taking the picture.

Bryan keeps manipulating the frame, discovering more and more of the reflection, until a face appears, fuzzy, out of focus.

[HOPE]

Bryan keeps pushing buttons, until the entire reflection of the person taking the picture comes clear: Peter.

CLOSE ON

Peter, leafing through a magazine. A voice announces.

VOICE

Flight seven twenty arriving from Barcelona.

PULL BACK TO

INT. PARIS AIRPORT – DAY

Peter stands by the magazine kiosk, just outside customs. He looks over to a big BLACK GUY standing near the Customs exit.

The Black Guy nods to a cute blond girl in her late teens exiting from customs with a backpack and a Swiss flag on it, heading for the exit.

[FEAR: THIS IS HOW BRYAN’S DAUGHTER GOT TARGETED]

EXT. TAXI STAND – PARIS AIRPORT – DAY

The blond girl is waiting on the taxi line when…

PETER

Hi. I’m Peter.

GIRL

Ingrid.

PETER

On holidays?

GIRL

Yes.

PETER

Me too.

A cab pulls up.

PETER

The cabs here are so damn expensive. Want to share?

GIRL

Sure.

Peter holds the door of a taxi open for the girl, smiling, flirting. The girl is about to get in, when…

[HOPE: NOT ONLY THE GIRL IS SAFE, BUT BRYAN GOT THE MAN WHO CAN LEAD HIM TO HIS DAUGHTER]

BRYAN

Excuse me.

Bryan hustles Peter past the astonished girl, pushes him into the cab, follows, slamming the door behind him.

INT. TAXI – DAY

PETER

(struggling)

Hey! What are you. .?

[HOPE]

Bryan buries a sharp knuckle into his ribs, knocking the breath out of Peter, doubling him over. Bryan lifts his head.

BRYAN

The two girls from yesterday.

PETER

I don’t…

DRIVER

What are you doing?

BRYAN

Drive.

[HOPE]

Peter tries to escape. Bryan drives his knuckle into Peter’s ribs again. The Taxi Driver flees the cab.

BRYAN

The next rib I drive into your lungs.

[FEAR]

The Driver runs out of the car.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

The two girls. Where are they?

[FEAR]

Suddenly, the door behind Bryan is yanked open and two large black hands drag him out by his legs.

EXT. TAXI STAND – PARIS AIRPORT – DAY

Bryan hits the pavement hard. Before he can get up, the big Black Guy pounds on him. Smashing him over and over.

Passengers run, screaming.

[HOPE]

The Guy grabs Bryan, yanks him up like a sack of potatoes. Except this sack of potatoes is a lethal weapon. Before the guy knows what has happened, Bryan has grabbed his wrists, ripped them down, bashed his forehead into the Guy’s nose, double punched him in his exposed throat.

The Guy falls, face gushing blood, hands grasping his throat, unable to breathe.

[FEAR]

Bryan turns back to the cab, only to find the other passenger door open and Peter gone. Bryan sees Peter running up the road, holding his damaged ribs.

VOICE

Arretez! Arretez!

[FEAR]

Bryan turns to see three police Officers running towards him, with the taxi driver trailing them.

[HOPE]

Bryan leaps into the taxi, jams it into gear, rips a u-turn and rockets off after Peter.

EXT. ROADWAY – DAY

Peter runs, desperate to escape, his ribs on fire with every breath. He looks over his shoulder, sees the taxi gaining on him. He cuts off onto a one-way ramp with traffic streaming down towards Bryan.

[FEAR: BRYAN IS GOING TO LOSE PETER]

INT. TAXI – DAY

Through the windshield, Bryan sees Peter running up a ramp that has nothing but cars coming at him.

[HOPE]

Unable to negotiate the narrow ramp packed with oncoming traffic, Bryan leaps out of the cab, blocking the road, snarling traffic to a stand still.

[FEAR]

EXT. ROADWAY – DAY

Bryan takes off at a dead run up the ramp, running against the traffic, zig zagging through the cacophony of blaring horns and irate drivers.

[HOPE]

ANGLE ON

Peter. At the very top of the overpass. His breath coming in jagged bursts, the pain in his side increasing with each step.

[HOPE]

He looks back, sees Bryan gaining on him. Almost on him. He is running out of room, out of breath. He looks down to a roadway below, where the traffic is very sparse. He looks back at Bryan, closing fast. Looks down at the roadway. Makes a choice.

[FEAR]

Jumps.

[FEAR]

Lands.

[FEAR]

Bryan reaches the top of the overpass, looks down. Peter looks up at him, victorious, safe.

[FEAR: NOW, BRYAN ’S ONLY LEAD IS DEAD]

And then gets SLAMMED by a truck that comes out of nowhere at forty miles an hour.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Twists

What I learned doing this assignment

I wrote this scene for the conflict and tension assignment on day 2. Now the possibility to add tension with a twist comes handy. I am using the suggested twists:

1. Something planned for doesn’t happen.

5. A lie is uncovered.

TASK 1. List your character’s names, traits, and subtext above the scene.

CHARACTER 1: Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring led by The Ruler.

Traits: highly principled, perfectionist, extremely emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn

Subtext: extremely emotional… when nobody is looking

Character Subtext Logline: Parisa suffers of acute stress disorder, a type of anxiety caused by the traumatic experience of having watched her sister falling from top of a building and dying.

CHARACTER 3: Philip, an ultra-clandestine force agent whose mission is to prevent, by any means, that Bahadur reveals the secret.

Traits: highly efficient, unstable: impulsive self-damaging, socially shallow.

Subtext: efficient but careless, just rushes to do things

Character Subtext Logline: Philip’s need to be admired hides both, a deep sense of shame about who he really is, as well as a deep sense of meaninglessness, which no image of success may ever satisfy.

==========

Background: The first fight of the tournament is over. Parisa wins. Ruthless got accidentally killed in the fight.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP — THE CHAMBER – DAY

Security staff escort Parisa, Badahur and Philip back to their chamber. Once the guards are gone, the three discuss the event.

BAHADUR

This tournament’s a charade.

PARISA

They’re playing us!

PHILIP

It’s because you’re so, uh, you took the bait.

BAHADUR

They want to curb our spirit— Uh? Bait, you said?

PHILIP

They would not shoot you, big hero! Not now. Not before retrieving the payload.

PARISA

Payload?

BAHADUR

The secret.

PHILIP

You two are so naive!

BAHADUR

But we flipped the table, right? They didn’t expect—

PHILIP

Enough! You need to start listening to me. We got to get out of here.

PARISA

Get out? But Badahur won’t make it far. And it seems that you got a flat tire, too.

PHILIP

(to Parisa)

Wait until I get better and then, you and I could first—

PARISA

No! No way I’d leave him in here. Besides, we have not much time. The poison— you know.

BADAHUR

(to Philip)

She’s right. Hey, what’s delaying extraction?

PHILIP

Don’t know—

BADAHUR

I thought you guys were chipped.

PARISA

Chipped?

PHILIP

We have a device implanted in our body, so our position can be tracked down. But some kind of firewall might be preventing my signal to be traced.

BADAHUR

But the guards and all staff have cellphones and their signals go out.

PHILIP

We might need to borrow one of those cellphones. It’s good that we have plenty of options, uh?

BADAHUR

And send a message out?

PHILIP

(nods)

Exactly.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – WATER DISPENSER — LATER

Guards queue up to refill their water bottles. The dispenser is strategically placed below ground level and covered from sunlight.

Parisa pushes Badahur’s wheelchair through a dedicated handicapped lane.

THE WHEELCHAIR…

slips off the dedicated lane

PARISA

Oh, no!

PHILIP

(to Parisa)

Hey! Watch it!

Parisa, Badahur and the wheelchair slide down the sand dune until…

…WHAM! they ram on the guards queued at the water supply.

Parisa knocks down a couple of guards. She ends up on top of them.

PARISA

Sorry, sorry… so sorry.

Awkwardly getting up. She quickly dips her hand in the pockets of the guard closest to her. She finds… nothing

PARISA

I’m sorry. Are you guys OK? Can you help us? I’m terribly sorry.

Badahur pretends being hurt. Guards help him.

Philip gives a hand for Parisa to climb up.

PHILIP

(to Parisa)

Oh, you’re so… useless! Look what you’ve done.

PARISA

Oh, just put me on your list of people who don’t exist and shut up!

Parisa pushes Philip against the guards and almost knocks everyone down again.

Philip bumps on an Asian looking guard with a carefully trimmed beard: a very thin line of hair that extends from the sideburns and along the jawline and into a pencil mustache.

He scowls at Philip and pushes him out of his way.

The other guards put Bahadur and his wheelchair back on the handicapped dedicated lane.

Aided by his crutch, Philip quickly limps towards his concealed “cutting” spot behind a tent.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – HANDICAPPED LANE – CONT

Parisa joins Bahadur. She pushes his wheelchair back to their chamber.

BADAHUR

Did you get it?

Parisa shakes her head

BADAHUR (CONT’D)

Neither I. But don’t worry. We’ll try something else.

PARISA

We have no time.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

The guard with the trimmed beard notices his cellphone is gone. He blows a whistle.

Several men rush to seize Parisa and Badahur while others look for Philip.

TRIMMED BEARD GUARD

(pointing his gun at Parisa)

Give it back!

PARISA

(frightened)

Give back what? I… don’t understand.

Trimmed bearded guard points his gun at Bahadur — the others start beating him.

TRIMMED BEARD GUARD

Now you get it? Give it back!

PARISA

No! Leave him. I have nothing…

Guards keep punishing Badahur

PARISA (CONT’D)

Stop, please! You must believe me!

Guards drop Badahur on the ground. Trimmed bearded guard approaches Parisa.

TRIMMED BEARD GUARD

Well, let’s see… where would you hide my phone?

PARISA

Your phone? Y-you’re looking for your phone? Why… why don’t you call yourself and find where it is?

Trimmed bearded guard signals other guard to dial.

The sound of a phone ringing comes from a tent nearby… then stops.

Trimmed beard guard and other two run into the tent. It’s empty. They frantically search.

The guard dials again. The vibration sound of a phone in silent mode “BZZZZ” leads their attention to a silhouette outside the tent. The silhouette holds the bright screen of the device in his thumb-texting hands.

Time SLOWS DOWN as two guards dash out and around the tent. Trimmed beard guard knows they have lost precious time. Raises his gun. Aims.

THREE SHOTS hit the device, the head and body of the silhouette.

Parisa helps Bahadur. The gun shots startle her.

MEMORY FLASH

Parisa pushes Philip against the guards and almost knocks everyone down again.

PARISA

Oh, just put me on your list of people who don’t exist and shut up!

Philip bumps on the trimmed beard guard. His hand snatches a…

CELLPHONE

The guard scowls at Philip and pushes him out of his way.

END OF MEMORY FLASH

The two guards reach the secret spot where Philip bleeds for the very last time.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Anticipation Scene

What I learned doing this assignment

The label “for educational purposes” on the script Taken by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen really means it. Except from some instances of show-no-tell exposition, the script goes by the book and deserves a close study.

ASSIGNMENT: See anticipation in action by analyzing a scene from a produced script.

MOVIE: Taken

=============

NOTE: This goes from page 5 to 10 of the script. In the previous pages, we got the idea that Bryan Mills’ life is a mess. Divorced, he purchased a karaoke machine as a birthday present for his daughter Kim, 17. Bryan’s relationship with his ex-wife, Lenore, is ongoing conflict. Lenore is now married to a wealthy man, Stuart James.

In the previous section, the way how Bryan selected the present, the wrapping paper and the way how he folds the paper without using any tape, we learn that Bryan is extremely meticulous and that he loves his daughter. In this section, Bryan attends his daughter birthday party.

=============

EXT. JAMES MANSION – DAY

Bryan surrenders his car to a valet in the courtyard of the magnificent mansion, removes the wrapped karaoke machine from the back seat of his car, follows the rest of the adults toward the front door.

Everyone else is dressed designer, Bryan is strictly off the department store rack.

=============

NOTE: [ANTICIPATION] Fish out of the water. This is not your environment. This will not end up well.

=============

INT. JAMES MANSION – DAY

Bryan enters to a scene out of Homes of the Rich and Famous, complete with the adult cast of characters.

Beyond, through the French doors, in the vast grounds that stretch to the ocean, a no-expense-spared party is in full swing. An endless buffet attended by a dozen wait staff is set up under an expansive tent. On a dance floor laid over the lawn, teenagers hold sway, dancing, flirting, junior versions of their parents.

=============

NOTE: [ANTICIPATION-HOOK] – Bryan is, no doubt, walking straight into humiliation. One wonders how much this man will stand for the sake of having a moment to see his daughter turning 17.

=============

Off to the side, people line up to leave their gifts, which are neatly organized into a small mountain by a maid.

Bryan ignores the line when he sees KIM in the backyard. Not the twelve year old in the picture on his desk, but a young woman of seventeen. Tall, beautiful, full of life. A golden girl, who carries privilege easily, surrounded by friends, amidst a swirl of waiters, and photographers, videographers.

=============

NOTE: [SUSPENSE] He decides to break protocol. What’s going to happen now?

=============

EXT. BACKYARD – JAMES MANSION – DAY

Bryan exits, is immediately intercepted by…

SECURITY

Uh, sir excuse me, but the adult party is inside.

BRYAN

I’m Kim’s father.

SECURITY

Excuse me, but I work for her father.

BRYAN

Her REAL father.

SECURITY

Oh…

=============

NOTE: [ANTICIPATION/HOOK] This is humiliation act 1. This is the moment when the audience is saying: “Why did you have to attend this party?” “Don’t go, you fool!”

=============

And then…

LENORE

It’s alright Cyril.

The Security backs off as LENORE, the woman in the home video/dream, older, but still beautiful, dressed rich/casual, the mistress of the exquisitely appointed mansion, appears.

LENORE

(cool)

Hello Bryan.

BRYAN

Hello Lenore.

The moment is awkward, at best.

BRYAN

I just wanted to give Kim her present.

LENORE

We’re letting the kids have their own space. You can put it with all the others.

She points to the pile of presents inside.

=============

NOTE: [ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE] The message “you are no special” makes us say “I told you so.” Now, how worse can this go?

=============

BRYAN

I wanted it to be more personal.

LENORE

Still having trouble following the rules, I see.

BRYAN

Oh come on Lennie…

LENORE

I’ve asked you not to call me that please.

BRYAN

(pointed)
Excuse me. Lenore.
=============

NOTE: [EMOTIONAL DESCRIPTION] Bryan is willing to suffer this humiliation for the sake of seeing his daughter. [ANTICIPATORY HOOK] It is clear who makes the rules and who follows the rules. Now, is this the worst that things could go?

=============

KIM

Hi…

He turns to his daughter.

BRYAN

Hello darling. Happy birthday.

He hands her the box.

KIM
Thanks!

She hugs him.

LENORE
I was just telling your father we arranged to have all the presents.

BRYAN

Open it.

LENORE

Sweetie, I think it’s bad manners to open one and not…

BRYAN

Here…

He takes the bow off, pulls one end of the wrapping. The whole paper comes away neatly.
KIM

COOl.

BRYAN

No tape. I learned it in Japan.

=============

NOTE: [SUSPENSE] Although Bryan seems to score some points and gain territory, we can expect Lenore to figure something out to punish Bryan… and so she says:

=============

LENORE

(bemused)

A karaoke machine?

The diminishing tone in her voice stings.

BRYAN
(apologetic)

I figured she wants to be a singer.

LENORE

When she was twelve Bryan. We’ve moved on.

Bemusement mixes with a barely contained disdain.

KIM

Thank you Daddy.

She hugs him. And whispers in his ear.

KIM

I still want to be a singer. Just don’t tell Mom.

A bit redeemed, Bryan takes out a disposable camera.

BRYAN

OK. One for the book…

LENORE

We have a professional photographer.

Bryan ignores Lenore’s roll of the eyes.

BRYAN

Big smile.

=============

NOTE: [EMOTIONAL DESCRIPTION] The father-daughter relationship gives a reason for Bryan to endure the humiliation and for us to stay with him. [ANTICIPATION] Now, what else could go wrong?

=============

Kim stands next to the machine, flashes a 24 karat smile. And just as Bryan snaps the picture, a commotion from the far side of the property draws her attention to…

STUART JAMES, rich, polished, impeccably dressed and coifed cantering a magnificent specimen of a horse through the gate.

The crowd parts, and then, follows the horse and rider as they head right for an astonished Kim, a delighted Lenore, a chagrined Bryan.

Stuart pulls on the reins and comes to an abrupt halt right in front of Kim, Lenore and Bryan. He leaps off the horse, hands the reins to Kim.

STUART

Happy birthday darling.

KIM

Oh my godl Oh my god!

She throws her arms around his neck, peppers him with mad kisses.

KIM

I love you! I love you!

Bryan winces involuntarily, each word, each kiss a small nick on his heart.

=============

NOTE: [EMOTIONAL DESCRIPTION] This is the blow that ends the duel. Bryan knows that he is no match for Stuart. He must leave defeated. The whole section is a vivid emotional description of a man who is repented for not having taken care of his family. We know that he is paying the price of serving his country.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Dramatic Irony

What did I learn doing this assignment?

I had originally planned for the audience to be deceived along with the protagonist into the situation, until the truth was revealed to her. But there might be an opportunity to add an action sequence in here. So this is an attempt to grab that opportunity. The protagonist still lives in oblivion until the second act, but I did not include that in here. I am just missing part 4 of the assignment. This lesson also gave me an idea to develop the protagonist subtext to another extreme by turning the relationship with her sister and her trauma into dramatic irony.

ASSIGNMENT

———-

CHARACTER: Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring led by The Ruler.

Traits: highly principled, perfectionist, extremely emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn

Subtext: extremely emotional… when nobody is looking

Character Subtext Logline: Parisa suffers of acute stress disorder, a type of anxiety caused by the traumatic experience of having watched her sister falling from top of a building and dying. Anxiety affects her sleep and now that her fiancé breaks up with her, the whole world is shattered.

INT. USA-CANADA BORDER — RESEARCH CENTER — SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM ROOM — DAY

The industrious research complex displays like a beehive on six flat screens assembled together. Each screen subdivides into six environments. The hands of a MAN operates the control table. The displays zoom-in into a selected set of camera feed.

The light of the six flat screens shines over the lifeless bodies of two security men on the floor.

Standing by the control table, A MAN IN A TUNIC raises his index finger. The hood of his tunic covers his face, except for a goatee. The man on the control table speaks into a walkie-talkie.

INT. RESEARCH CUBICLE 7 — STORAGE — DAY

Philip enters the cubicle holding his gun with both hands.

PHILIP

Doctor Baldwin… Doctor McGregor… Stephens? Anybody here?

JANITOR

They… they’re all dead.

PHILLIP

Who is this? You can come out. It’s OK now.

INT. RESEARCH CENTER — SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM ROOM — DAY

A hand presses the AUDIO button on the control table. The button lights up.

SURVEILLANCE CAMERA POV

MONITOR 2 — RESEARCH CUBICLE 7

The janitor comes out of the storage room to join Philip.

JANITOR

(through speaker) I’m… I’m the janitor. Name’s Bahadur.

PHILIP

(through speaker) OK, hero. I need to know everything you saw.

The Man in a Tunic rubs his goatee.

SURVEILLANCE CAMERA POV

MONITOR 1 — GATE D: ACCESS TO CUBICLES 5 TO 10

Three men armed with sub-machine guns dash through the aisle.

MONITOR 2 — RESEARCH CUBICLE 7

BADAHUR

(through speaker) Baldwin’s there (points at the floor inside storage) — before dying, he asked me to memorize some numbers.

BACK TO CUBICLE 7

BADAHUR (CONT’D)

Everyone else is dead.

PHILIP

How did you manage to—

BADAHUR

I was in the storage. Nobody saw me.

PHILIP

Any idea what those numbers are? What did they look like?

BADAHUR

Not sure, uh, coordinates?

PHILIP

What makes you think so?

UNDERNEATH THE CUBICLE’S DOOR…

… a shadow seems to go across the aisle outside the door.

BADAHUR

There are two sets. Each set starts with a letter. Could be longitude and… WATCH IT!

Philip and Badahur quickly dodge. Philip blindly fires his gun towards the cubicle’s door.

The door quickly slams closed. Two canisters roll on the floor. Even with the open wall that used to be a window, the room quickly fills up with smoke.

Philip motions Bahadur to jump out of the hole in the wall that used to be a window.

Badahur steps out into the air praying to land on top of the sunscreen shed at the bus stop two floors bellow.

Philip dashes through the hole. In the last moment, non-stop, he turns around to jump backwards.

As his feet jump off the edge of the room, he fires his gun three times at the men coming through the door.

He Parkour-spins in mid-air to land on his feet on top of the bus stop’s sunscreen shed.

THE RUNAWAY — MONTAGE

— Bahadur and Philip run through cars

— Hang underneath a truck

— Break traffic light rules and dance avoiding cars

— Mingle along a flood of pedestrians walking down street markets

— Go across buildings into narrow alleys with a stray dogs

— Take a peak-hour sardine-packed subway

— Walk on railroad tracks at sunset. Their predators seem to be nowhere in sight.

PHILIP (V.O)

Hey, Hero. You have anyone close?

BAHADUR (V.O)

M-my fiancee.

PHILIP (V.O)

Anyone else?

BAHADUR (V.O)

Only her.

PHILIP (V.O)

Unless you want her dead, call her now. Break up with her. Even better, tell her to get the fuck out of town. Call her now.

BAHADUR (V.O)

But we—

PHILIP (V.O)

Hey, listen. You want her to live? Call her right now! I mean NOW.

INT. PARIS — A GLOOMY, SHABBY FITNESS ROOM (PARIS) — A WEEK LATER

A treadmill’s control panel glows in the darkness like an old, dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.

SUPER: A WEEK LATER, PARIS, 4:30 AM

Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, the slim, athletic silhouette of a WOMAN climbs on the machine. She pours water on her head. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes the console start button.

Pictures on the wall show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC career as cheerleader and coach. She replaces the tape blocking a legend “Mom & Dad’s Masterpiece“ engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child. She’s cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty. Except that… she does’t go for any of that.

PARISA (V.O.)

(crooning)

Say we’re going far while I’m here,

stuck in the same old place.

She quickly wipes off the tears coming from…

HER CAPTIVATING EYES

that now focus on the console controls with expert attitude. Her fingers push the…

UP ARROWS

All digits roll up on the display, Distance. Speed. She sets her standards pretty high.

PARISA (V.O.)

(crooning)

Show me miles and miles.

Make me feel I’m reaching.

She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps swallow the pain.

Wireless earphones in place, she drops her cellphone in the console’s deck. A sound…

SHRIEEEK…

… frees the loud cry of the flywheel begging for maintenance or, perhaps, it is the first guitar chord of an electronic song that sets the reluctant treadmill ship off on a fitness journey — with Parisa on the helm.

Her sneakers rhythmically pound on the band. She progressively builds up speed. Then slows down to add some Thai-boxing moves to her jogging.

Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.

SHRIEEEK…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Dramatic Devices Day 2

Antonio Flores’ Conflict.

What I learned doing this assignment:

As the process of writing the story develops, character, dialogue, subtext, and now conflict and tension interact with each other. I anticipate that sometimes brainstorming can hit two birds with one stone, but it might as well help us double check or enhance the overall product.

1. Write a one to five page scene with a central conflict that continue

throughout the scene. Try to use ONE OR MORE of these types of conflict:

A. Make the scene’s conflict the most compelling, juicy,

interesting problem you can.

B. Have the main character want something that is difficult

to get or achieve and other characters are trying to keep

the lead from getting it.

C. Present an internal and external conflict.

2. Once you’ve written the scene, run it back through the Conflict Checklist

to see if you can improve it.

=====================

Background: The first fight of the tournament is over. Parisa wins. Ruthless got accidentally killed in the fight.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP — THE CHAMBER – DAY

Security staff escort Parisa, Badahur and Philip back to their chamber. Once the guards are gone, the three discuss the event.

BAHADUR

This tournament’s a charade.

PARISA

They’re playing us!

PHILIP

It’s because you’re so, uh, you took the bait.

BAHADUR

They want to curb our spirit— Uh? Bait, you said?

PHILIP

They would not shoot you, big hero! Not now. Not before retrieving the payload.

PARISA

Payload?

BAHADUR

The secret.

PHILIP

So naive!

BAHADUR

But we flipped the table, right? They didn’t expect—

PHILIP

Enough! You need to start listening to me. We got to get out of here.

PARISA

Get out? But Badahur won’t make it far. And it seems that you got a flat tire, too.

PHILIP

(to Parisa)

Wait until I get better and then, you and I could first—

PARISA

No! No way I’d leave him here. Besides, we have not much time. The longer we wait, the poison— you know.

BADAHUR

(to Philip)

She’s right. Hey, what’s delaying extraction?

PHILIP

Don’t know—

BADAHUR

I thought you guys were chipped.

PARISA

Chipped?

PHILIP

We have a device implanted in our body, so our position can be tracked down. Guess, there might be some kind of firewall preventing my signal to be traced.

BADAHUR

But the guards and all staff have cellphones and their signals go out.

PHILIP

We might need to borrow one of those cellphones. It’s good that we have plenty of options, uh?

BADAHUR

And send a message out?

PHILIP

(nods)

Exactly.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – WATER DISPENSER — LATER

Guards take turns to refill water bottles. The dispenser is strategically placed below ground level and covered from sunlight.

Parisa pushes Badahur’s wheelchair through a dedicated handicapped lane.

THE WHEELCHAIR…

slips off the dedicated lane

PARISA

Oh, no!

PHILIP

(to Parisa)

Hey! Watch it!

Parisa, Badahur and the wheelchair slide down the sand dune until…

…WHAM! they ram on the guards queued up at the water supply.

Parisa knocks down a couple of guards. She ends up on top of them.

PARISA

Sorry, sorry… so sorry.

Awkwardly getting up. She quickly searches the pockets of the guard closest to her and snatches his cellphone.

PARISA

I’m sorry. Are you guys OK? Can you help us? I’m terribly sorry.

Badahur pretends being hurt. Guards help him.

Philip gives a hand for Parisa to climb up.

PHILIP

(to Parisa)

Oh, you’re so… useless! Look what you’ve done.

As she climbs, she…

PARISA

Oh, just put me on your list of people who don’t exist…

(hands him the cellphone) …and shut up!

Parisa pushes Philip against the guards and almost knocks everyone down again.

Philip bumps on the cellphone owner guard. He scowls at Philip and pushes him out of his way.

The other guards put Bahadur and his wheelchair back on the handicapped dedicated lane

Aided by his crutch, Philip quickly limps towards his concealed “cutting” spot behind a tent.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – HANDICAPPED LANE – CONT

Parisa joins Bahadur. She pushes his wheelchair back to their chamber.

PARISA

Do you think he will—

BADAHUR

You don’t seem to trust him.

PARISA

If you were me, you would not trust anyone.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

The guard notices his cellphone is gone. He blows a whistle.

Several men rush to seize Parisa and Badahur while others look for Philip.

CELLPHONE GUARD

(pointing his gun at Parisa)

Give it back!

PARISA

(frightened)

Give back what? I… don’t understand.

Cellphone guard points his gun at Bahadur — the others start beating him.

CELLPHONE GUARD

Now you get it? Give it back!

PARISA

No! Leave him. I have nothing…

Guards keep punishing Badahur

PARISA (CONT’D)

Stop, please! You can search me!

Guards drop Badahur on the ground. Cellphone guard approaches Parisa.

CELLPHONE GUARD

Well, let’s see… where would you hide my phone?

PARISA

Your phone? Y-you’re looking for your phone? Why… why don’t you call yourself and find where it is?

Phone owner signals other guard to dial.

The sound of a phone ringing comes from a tent nearby… then stops.

Phone owner and other two run into the tent. It’s empty. They frantically search.

The guard dials again. The vibration sound of a phone in silent mode “BZZZZ” leads their attention to a silhouette outside the tent. The silhouette holds the bright screen of the device in his thumb-texting hands.

Time SLOWS DOWN as two guards dash out and around the tent. Phone owner knows they have lost precious time. Raises his gun. Aims.

THREE SHOTS hit the device, the head and body of the silhouette.

The two guards reach the secret spot where Philip bleeds for the very last time.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Dramatic Choices

What I learned is:

Storytelling. The order of the beats, the perspective from which the story is told, it all counts. The intriguing elements that keep the audience hooked as well as the unexpected things that make the story believable and yet, different. Those count even more. The DRAMATIC ELEMENT is something that propels the story and our experience of the story towards somewhere nobody had expect it it to go.

I saw the movie years ago, twice, during an intercontinental flight over the Pacific. This time, I read the script. So many typos and spelling mistakes!

——————–

Assignment: Discover what makes a movie dramatic.

1. Pick a movie you really like and watch any 30 minutes of it. As you

watch, make a list of everything that happens in the movie that’s dramatic.

Characters:

• Cutter: a man in his 60’s, the designer of equipment for magic tricks
• Alfred Borden: mid, 30’s, the magician
• Robert Angier: an American magician, 35, Borden’s rival magician

Movie: The Prestige

1. Opening scenes: A cluttered workshop. CUTTER, a man in his 60’s, explains the structure of a magic act to a little girl.

• A magic performance has three acts: the pledge, the turn, and the prestige
• DRAMATIC ELEMENT: As we learn about the three acts and the way how magic works, a situation builds up on a stage where a magician, we’ll later know as ROBERT ANGIER, performs.
• DRAMATIC ELEMENT: Each of the three acts is described in connection to what happens on stage.
• A fake-beard man, later we’ll know as ALFRED BORDEN, DRAMATIC ELEMENT: alters something backstage, which will affect the outcome of the performance.

2. Inciting incident: The trick fails, Robert Angier falls through a stage trap door into a water tank that Borden allegedly placed strategically under the stage trap door. DRAMATIC ELEMENT: Angier gets drawn.

• Borden is tried in court. He is wrapped in chains.
• Cutter, is now at the witness box declaring that he saw Borden at backstage.
• DRAMATIC ELEMENT: Dilemma: the magic equipment designer, Cutter, must choose to reveal his most treasured magic secret or let Borden, allegedly Angier’s assassin, escape from justice.
• The judge accepts to listen to Cutter’s secret in private.
• Before being removed from court, Borden looks at the little girl from the opening scenes. They wave at each other — they are connected. She leaves the court with a man named FALLON — later, we will learn that he is Borden’s magic tricks designer.
• OWENS, a solicitor, visits Borden in jail. He is requested to empty his pockets at the gate. Guards explain that DRAMATIC ELEMENT: the Warden saw Borden’s magic disappearances on stage and ordered everyone to be on the alert as he may try to escape.
• Borden is allowed to speak to the solicitor, but he is wrapped in chains and chained to a strong bolt in an open space in the jail’s yard.
• The solicitor offers a sum to Borden for his collection of tricks. The money comes from a historian specialized in magic, Lord Caldlow.
• DRAMATIC ELEMENT: The solicitor informs Borden that unless he takes Lord Caldlow’s offer, his daughter is destined to end as an orphan, because the court found his designer, Fallon, is unsuitable to act as the girl’s guardian.
• On behalf of Lord Caldlow, the solicitor presents Borden with Angier’s journal where DRAMATIC ELEMENT: Angier describes the time he spent in Colorado learning Borden’s trick: The Transported Man. Angier claims to have improved it.
• Borden argues that Angier never found the secret of his trick. Now we envision how deep the conflict between these two magicians is.
• Borden takes the journal along with him and reads it in his cell.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Rivalry

• This DRAMATIC PLOT pits the protagonist against the antagonist in a power struggle. They are equally matched and as one’s power increases, the other’s decreases. This plot is all about who is superior. As they both struggle to prove their superiority, the protagonist faces moral dilemmas.
• Borden goes back to his cell and reads Angier’s diary. The non-linear storytelling takes us back to the time when Borden, Angier and Julia, Angier’s wife used to work for a magician. Cutter was the magician designer.
• Borden meets Sarah, a beautiful woman in the audience. Marries her. They have a daughter.
• DRAMATIC ELEMENT: [Setup] the two young magicians pretend being volunteers from the audience and tie up Julia, the magician’s assistant, before she is submerged in a water tank and then transported by magic out of it. The trick is a fake knot that Borden makes on the rope that holds Julia’s wrist.
• Because the fake knot often gets undone when they pretend to test its firmness, they discuss a different type of knot that Borden proposes. Cutter disagrees and forbids — it’s too risky, it might not get easily undone underwater.
• DRAMATIC ELEMENT: [Payoff] Unable to undo the knot, Julia gets drown in the water tank. Here is the start of the conflict between the two.
• The judge visits Cutter’s studio and learns about the mechanism to escape from the tank.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: DRAMATIC ELEMENT: Borden is found guilty of murder and sentenced to death by hanging.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Ad for A-List.

CHARACTER: Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring led by The Ruler.

SITUATION: Parisa’s nightmare turns into reality. She is scheduled to fight Ruthless, the underground MMA female champion who had threatened her to death and blatantly killed her bosom friend Sandy. The two are about to meet at the stare-down.

INSIGHT: This is only the first obstacle that Parisa must hurdle to rescue her fiancé.

ACTION: Cheerleaders also know some painful strategies.

========

INT. DESERT — UNDERGROUND MMA SECRET COMPLEX — NIGHT

A storehouse equipped with state-of-the-art media and augmented reality technology. An octagon cage is in the middle of the area. At the far end, a stage platform is ready for the weigh-in and stare-down events.

LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC… STAGE LIGHTS

There’s no audience on site. Drone cameras broadcast the event to subscribers from a concealed location. The voices of two sports anchors host the event.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

…and this promises to be a great night!

The area floods with autochthonous expressions of martial-related activities, dances, and sports.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

The spirit of the warrior lives in every culture in every era.

Drone cameras fly through Maori Haka, Japanese Sumo, Thai Takraw, Filipino Bamboo Pole dancing, Peking Opera’s Flying Spears, Chinese Lion Dance on Pillars, Taiji Fan and sword.

SILENCE.

All action stops. Performers freeze motion.

A drone camera lands on the…

PLATFORM STAGE

Drone camera points at the far side where the stairs end.

LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC RESUMES

Like a sunrise, PARISA NEDELLEC emerges from the horizon of the stage platform. Her hair bounces free with each step as she climbs up the stairs. Her eyes focused on the camera.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES (O.S.)

Please welcome THE — CHALLENGER — PARISA — NEDELLEC!

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

What? Did we just switch to the beauty pageant?

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Ha! No. Parisa Nedellec is a cheerleader coach, who just recently turned into a fighter.

Parisa proceeds to the weigh-in.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

We may need to mention that the underground fights don’t have weight rules.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Oh, yeah. That’s a good point.

Parisa takes off her sports jacket, t-shirt, shoes, and track pants. Staff assists her.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.) (CONT’D)

So, many people wonder why fighters still have to go through the weigh-in protocol.

An Ancient Greek stylized bathing suit briefly wraps Parisa’s slim body. Her muscles radiate dynamic feminine strength. Parisa steps on the weigh-in balance.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Well, I’d say… I have no problem with the protocol.

Parisa steps down. She adopts a cross-step javelin pose. Drone cameras reposition to capture her image.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

If you ever wondered what an Olympic goddess looks like…

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Well. I guess the only question left is: can she fight?

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

I guess, we’ll find… Wait! What’s going on?

The lights go out. RUTHLESS enters the scene from the opposite end of the platform. A spotlight follows her.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES (O.S)

Ladies and gentlemen, give it all for your UNDEFEATED —UNDERGROUND MMA — WORLD CHAMPION… RUTHLESS!

Ruthless kicks the weigh-in balance off stage. Snatches a wireless microphone from a staff. She gestures Parisa to approach her.

RUTHLESS

I warned you, but you didn’t listen. I told you to stay away, didn’t I?

Disturbed by the close presence of Ruthless, Parisa takes a deep breath.

MEMORY FLASH

Parisa faces the moment when Ruthless kills her bosom friend Sandy while she watches from outside the octagon.

END OF MEMORY FLASH

RUTHLESS’ POV

Parisa stares back at Ruthless. Focuses on the lessons from her coach.

MASTER WANG (V.O.)

Know yourself. Identify your weak points, then, use your strengths to turn those weak points into strengths. Repeat the process over and over.

BACK TO STARE-DOWN

PARISA’S POV

Ruthless speaks sour words but can’t penetrate Parisa’s mental shield

RUTHLESS

(muffled)

… and crush you – – – so – – – you’ll suffer – – – and f…

BACK TO STARE-DOWN

Ruthless presses the microphone on Parisa’s throat for her to grab it.

RUTHLESS

Hey, hey! Any questions?

PARISA

I’m sorry. I… I got lost when I heard that, I mean, are you serious? Does anybody really think that you’re pretty?

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

OUCH! Ha-ha!

Ruthless scowls. Security staff chaperones her out of stage. Spotlight follows her. Parisa stays in the shade.

MUSIC and performances resume.

On her way out, Ruthless rolls eyes and clenches her fist. She turns around. Grunts.

The brawny fighter blindly pounces into the shade… just to find that Parisa vanished from the spot where she last saw her. Inertia makes Ruthless crash on staff, tools, and fall backstage.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

WOW! WAH! But where’s Parisa?

Parisa emerges from a lower point in the middle of the stage. She gets dressed.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

There she is! She was collecting her clothes.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Oh, they might got thrown away when Ruthless kicked the balance off stage.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

OK. Let’s move on to the next face-off.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Oh, wait! Wait! It’s not over!

Ruthless resurfaces from backstage. Several men try to stop her. She gets rid of them. Threateningly points at Parisa.

Parisa considers the circumstances.

MEMORY FLASH

Mestre Oliveira’s unforgettable lesson.

MESTRE OLIVEIRA (V.O.)

Become one with the music. The spirit of the warrior will be with you. Let yourself flow…

END OF MEMORY FLASH

PARISA

(epiphany)

The Spirit of the Warrior… flow.

Parisa runs towards the performances. Ruthless chases her.

THE CHASE — MONTAGE

A) At the Thailand Takraw court, Parisa gets a set ball, tornado-kicks it, and scores. Players celebrate. Later, Ruthless bumps, argues with the players. Players do aerial and spectacularly high kicks to bombard her with balls.

B) Parisa smoothly sails through the Filipino Bamboo Pole dancing. Meanwhile in the background, Ruthless beats the bamboo players who squeezed her ankles.

C) Parisa teams up with the warrior girl from the Peking Opera’s Flying Spears. They kick off all the spears. Actors celebrate Parisa’s skill and purposely delay Ruthless.

D) Parisa joins the Chinese Lion head role to cross over the pillars and reach the octagon. Ruthless also climbs on the pillars. She blocks the lion, but Parisa and the dancers make her fall on top of Taiji sword players. The swords get bent.

Parisa reaches the octagon cage, goes underneath the canvas and into the base framework. Ruthless follows. She opens up the canvas where Parisa disappeared just a moment ago.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

You think she can find her?

Foam discharged from a fire extinguisher pushes Ruthless out of the bottom of the cage. Parisa comes out of the canvas holding the extinguisher. Parisa keeps spraying her.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Ha-ha! She found her!

Ruthless is blinded and confused. Parisa adopts the javelin pose again. She holds the fire extinguisher on one arm.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

OH! WOW! Parisa Nedellec is stealing the night!

Parisa throws the cylinder on Ruthless head. WHAM! Ruthless collapses.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Oh-my! The fight’s not even started and we already have a KNOCK OUT!

Parisa climbs up on the stage. She does ballet twirls celebrating her victory. Then, single-knee on the ground, smiles, throws kisses, waves at the drone cameras.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Tonight is her night! PARISA — NEDELLEC — THE CHEERLEADER!

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Whenever I see someone like her, I can’t help to think: is she a newcomer, a new champion, or perhaps… a new legend?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Ad for A-List.

What I learned is…

This scene could be placed at the very start of the movie, non-linear fashion, then moving to the start where Parisa jogs on the treadmill.

===========

ASSIGNMENT

===========

Create an introduction scene for a lead character that will guarantee an actor will want to play the role.

CHARACTER: Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring led by The Ruler.

SITUATION: Parisa’s nightmare turns into reality. She is scheduled to fight Ruthless, the underground MMA female champion who threaten her to death and blatantly killed her bosom friend Sandy. Now, the two women are about to meet at the stare-down.

INSIGHT: This is only the first obstacle that Parisa must hurdle in order to rescue her fiancé from the hands of the criminal ring led by The Ruler.

ACTION: Cheerleaders also have painful strategies to hurt their opponents.

=============================

INT. DESERT — UNDERGROUND MMA COMPLEX — NIGHT

A storehouse equipped with state-of-the-art media and augmented reality technology. An octagon cage is in the middle of the facility. On the far end, a stage platform is ready for the weigh-in and stare-down events.

LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC… STAGE LIGHTS

There is no audience. Drone cameras broadcast the underground event to subscribers from a secret location. In the background, the voices of two sports anchors greet the audience.

Like a sunrise, PARISA NEDELLEC emerges from the horizon of the stage platform. Her hair bounces free with each step as she climbs up the stairs. Her eyes focused. She is a cheerleader coach who most recently joined the underground MMA fights.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Here comes THE CHALLENGER — PARISA — NEDELLEC! She quickly proceeds to the weigh-in.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

We may need to point out that the underground fights don’t have weight rules.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Oh, yeah. That’s a good point.

Parisa takes off her jacket, t-shirt, shoes, and track pants. Staff assists her.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.) (CONT’D)

So, many people wonder why fighters still have to go through the weigh-in protocol.

A tiny bathing suit barely covers Parisa’s slim, well-defined body. Her muscles radiate dynamic feminine strength, a unique type of beauty.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Well, for what I can see, I’d say… I need no further reasons.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

No further reasons, uh?

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Oh, yeah. I totally support this protocol!

Parisa steps on the weigh-in balance.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

No, seriously, I like her style. You know how all fighters just flex muscles, but Parisa Nedellec comes from a cheerleading background.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Yeah. I heard that she just recently joined martial arts practice.

Parisa steps down. She adopts a cross-step javelin pose.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

There you are! If you ever wondered what an Olympic goddess looked like…

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Totally different kind of beauty, man. Leaves no doubts!

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Well. For me, I guess the question is: can she fight?

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Wait, what’s going on?

Out of a sudden, the lights go out. Ruthless enters the scene. A spotlight follows her.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Look. The champion is here! Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give it all for your UNDEFEATED — UNDERGROUND MMA — WORLD CHAMPION…. RUTHLESS!

Ruthless breaks protocol. She kicks the weigh-in balance off stage, snatches a wireless microphone from the hands of a staff member, and gestures Parisa to approach for the stare-down.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

It seems like she has something to say, uh?

The two women approach one another. Hands on guard, they stare at each other.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Yeah, and for the looks of it, this might be urgent.

RUTHLESS

I warned you, but you didn’t listen. I told you to stay away, didn’t I?

Parisa focuses her mind on the lessons from her coaches.

RUTHLESS’ POV

The serene, extremely attractive face of Parisa, eyes focused.

BACK TO STARE-DOWN

MASTER WANG (V.O.)

Know yourself. Identify your weaknesses so you can build up strengths. Then repeat the process over and over again.

PARISA’S POV

Ruthless frowns, speaks sour words that can’t penetrate Parisa’s mental shield

RUTHLESS

(muffled)

… and crush you – – – so – – – you’ll suffer – – – and f…

MESTRE OLIVEIRA (V.O.)

Don’t think. Become one with the music of the berimbau. Let yourself flow…

BACK TO STARE-DOWN

RUTHLESS

Any questions?

Ruthless presses the microphone on Parisa’s throat for her to grab it.

PARISA

Mmh… I’m sorry. I… I got lost.

Ruthless gives an insane clueless stare at Parisa.

PARISA (CONT’D)

I mean… Are you serious? You said… I mean, does somebody really think you are pretty?

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

OUCH! Ha-ha!

Ruthless scowls at Parisa. In rage, the brawny champion turns her back towards the challenger. Security staff chaperones her out of stage. The spotlight follows her. Parisa stays in the shade.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

I didn’t see that coming, yo!

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Neither I, man!

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Never mind. If you can’t see it, it can’t hurt you!

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

What a SHARP comment, uh?

On her way out, Ruthless rolls eyes and clenches her fist. Boiling point. She turns around and charges on Parisa…

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

WOW! WAH! What’s going on?

The brawny fighter pounces into the shade… just to find that Parisa vanished from the spot where she last saw her.

The spotlight follows Ruthless. Inertia makes her keep going until she crashes on staff, tools, and chairs…

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Wait. She’s gone? Where the–

Sounds of havoc, broken glass, a cascade of items that fall, shatter, bounce, roll on the floor… and finally stop.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.) (CONT’D)

WOW! Ha-ha! What a mess!

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Wait, but where did the challenger go?

Spotlights search everywhere on the platform.

Parisa emerges from a lower point in the middle of the stage—

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

There she is! She was collecting her clothes.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Oh, yeah. They might have been thrown away when Ruthless kicked the weigh-in balance off stage.

Parisa gets dressed.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

So the goddess didn’t go back to Mount Olympus, uh?

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Ha-ha! No, not yet! Well, but this is a good point to close our transmission.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Yes. Let’s end in here. Just want to say that I anticipate this is going to be a great fight—

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Oh, wait! Wait! It’s not over!

Ruthless resurfaces from backstage. Several men try to stop her. She gets rid of them. Points at Parisa.

PARISA gesticulates “you’re talking to me?” Ruthless nods. Keeps approaching Parisa.

Parisa goes Parkour jumping over tables towards the octagon cage in the middle of the facility.

Ruthless chases her. Her awkward steps slow her down.

Parisa reaches the cage, goes underneath the canvas and into the base framework of the cage.

Ruthless follows. She opens up the canvas where Parisa disappeared just a moment ago.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

You think she will find her?

Foam discharged from a fire extinguisher pushes Ruthless out of the bottom of the cage. Parisa comes out of the canvas holding the extinguisher. She keeps spraying the brawny fighter.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Guess what?

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Ha-ha! She found her!

Ruthless appears blinded and confused. Parisa adopts her cross-step javelin pose once again. This time she holds the fire extinguisher cylinder on one arm.

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

OH! WHAH! The challenger is stealing the night!

After posing for a short instant, Parisa throws the cylinder on Ruthless head. WHAM! Ruthless collapses.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

WOW! What? Did you see that?

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

Oh-my-oh-my! The fight has not even started and we already have a KNOCK OUT!

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

The champion is on the floor! ON — THE — FLOOR!

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

It’s a KNOCK OUT! The challenger outsmarted her!

Parisa climbs up on the stage. She gracefully does some ballet twirls around celebrating her victory. She ends with a knee on the ground. Smiles. Throws kisses at the drone cameras.

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Tonight is her night! PARISA — NEDELLEC — THE CHEERLEADER!

SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)

I anticipate that she will bring a totally new game to the underground fights!

SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)

Let’s see her in action tomorrow in the cage!

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Dialogue on The Attack!

What did I learn doing this assignment?

Time ago, back then, some characters on TV and film often called my attention. The way they spoke. Detectives, police partners, say, Starsky and Hutch. Could it be the translation from English? They have a special way to talk. Now I realize, they spoke, yes, “attack and counter.” This skill helps us avoid “on the nose” dialogue.

ASSIGNMENT

———-

EXT. STREET SIDEWALK – SHOPWINDOW – DAY

Parisa talks to her own reflection on an apparel shopwindow while she waits for uncle Sylvain to pick her up.

PARISA [EMOTIONAL IN PRIVATE]

Look, first time in the cage, I just lasted a minute. The next time, only half a minute. Ah, now you see the pattern? Now guess. What you think is going to happen next?

INSIDE THE SHOP

A clerk narrows her eyes to check what Parisa is doing outside her shop.

CLERK’S POV

Parisa seems to be talking to a mannequin inside the shopwindow.

BACK TO THE SHOP

The clerk glares at Parisa. Shakes her head. Considers making a phone call.

OUTSIDE THE SHOPWINDOW

Parisa lets her thoughts, tears, and head drop in her hands.

PARISA (CONT’D) [PERFECTIONISM LEADS TO DEPRESSION]

(to herself) 


Bingo! Yes! Next thing is to be a fighter. You’re so smart… and I’m so stupid. Oh, my! I’m not even a fighter! What was I thinking when I got—

HONK. Sylvain’s car arrives. Parisa quickly wipes away her tears.

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR – CONT

With an empty look, Parisa’s eyes are fixed out of the window.

SYLVAIN [CARING]

You got any sleep?

PARISA [ANXIETY AFFECTS HER SLEEP]

(shaking her head)

Uh-uh… Hey, how long does it take to get good at fighting?

SYLVAIN [RESOURCEFUL]

Well, depends, I guess. (beat) But French people have a strategy, you know?

PARISA [PERFECTIONIST]

A… strategy?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

Long ago, King Louis The Great… Ha! That guy…

PARISA [PERFECTIONIST]

What?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

He got it all just figured out. Voila! There! Best military training in the world.

PARISA [PERFECTIONIST]

Is it fast? Does it work?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

Might work… for you

PARISA [PERFECTIONIST]

Really? How fast is it? Tell me all about it.

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

King Louis, ah yes, they called him The Sun King, by the way…

PARISA [PERFECTIONIST]

Aww, how come?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

(tips his head with two fingers) Well, I guess he got this, uh?

PARISA [PERFECTIONIST]

Nice.

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

And being the king, well, he ordered his whole army, soldiers, captains, generals; EVERYONE had to learn… ballet

PARISA [FEARFUL]

What? Ballet?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

Stay with me, dear—

PARISA [FEARFUL]

B-but are you serious?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

Stay with me. You got to look at—

PARISA [FEARFUL]

B-but how can ballet help anyone… help ME to fight?

SYLVAIN [PATIENT]

Look at the concept, OK? Look at the truth behind this—

PARISA [FEARFUL]

But you’re talking about Ballet?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

No, dear. I’m talking about DANCE, all DANCE. Listen to me – just listen…

PARISA [HIGHLY PRINCIPLED: RESPECT]

Here. I’m all ears.

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

Every person in the world…

PARISA [HIGHLY PRINCIPLED: RESPECT]

(nodding, pays more attention)

Yes?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

Everyone, uh? The way they dance…

PARISA [HIGHLY PRINCIPLED: RESPECT]

(nodding, totally absorbed)

Uh-huh?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

…is the way they FIGHT.

PARISA [FEARFUL]

(dumbfounded)

The way they dance is the way they… fight?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

Oui. That’s right.

PARISA [FEARFUL]

I… I’m not sure. I mean… are you sure?

SYLVAIN [KNOWLEDGEABLE]

Oh, bien sûr. Of course!

PARISA [FEARFUL + PRINCIPLED: RESPECT]

Sounds, uh… fantastic (beat) insightful.

SYLVAIN [SUPPORTIVE]

Want to try?

PARISA [PRINCIPLED: RESPECT]

Well, I’d rather, I… I think I would, uh, I’d better go to Thailand, you know?

SYLVAIN [SUPPORTIVE]

Well, yes, but—

PARISA [PRINCIPLED: RESPECT]

I’d go find some tough guys, some (beat) some champions. Kind of ask them to—

SYLVAIN [SUPPORTIVE]

I hear you, yes, but—

PARISA [PRINCIPLED: RESPECT]

… to coach me a-and (beat) and spar with me?

SYLVAIN [SUPPORTIVE]

Mmh. But I’m afraid we need a quick solution, you said? It’s here’n now, my dear.

Parisa’s eyes beg for her uncle’s paternal understanding.

SYLVAIN (CONT’D) [RESOURCEFUL]

Trust me. I’ve some friends. They might be able to help.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Character Outline

ASSIGNMENT 1

———————–

Update your outline by adding the Character Arc parts you like to your outline.

ASSIGNMENT 2

———————–

Add character to each scene in your outline. For your two lead characters, look at each scene they are in and see how something from their profile might play through their actions.

1. Pull out your Lead Character Profiles and your Outline.

2. With each scene, ask the following questions:

What would my protagonist do in this scene that reflects their profile?

What would my antagonist do in this scene that reflects their profile?

3. Rewrite the main actions of each scene to deliver character.

<hr>

A. Concept:

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

B. Plot Choice:

Escape

C. Character Structure: Dramatic triangle

Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

Parisa wants Bahadur back. Eventually, she finds out that she has been targeted by Philip’s predatory nature and that he is also a deadly threat to Bahadur

Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but she is his only hope. As the poison makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well.

Philip’s task is to prevent Bahadur to give away the secret, even if he had to kill him to accomplish this — rescuing him is just another option. He considers Parisa an extra load, but he likes her looks.

The three of them want to escape the Ruler’s evil hunting.

D. Lead Characters

PARISA, a cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé.

BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound substance as he unwillingly keeps the secret location of an strategic weapon.

PHILIP is a secret agent whose task is preventing Bahadur to give away the secret, even if it was necessary to kill him — he eventually becomes a threat to Parisa and Bahadur.

THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret.

E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

F. Main Conflict:

The Ruler wants to steal the secret as much as he craves for torturing Parisa and her friends, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely… and the clock is ticking.

G. Dilemma:

To get the antidote, Parisa must win a fight to death and become an assassin or give up the life of her fiancé.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter.

1.  The Issue:  

Parisa suffers of acute stress disorder, a type of anxiety caused by the traumatic experience of having watched her sister falling from top of a building and dying. Parisa re-experiences this traumatic event through recurrent images, thoughts, dreams, illusions, flashback episodes or a sense of reliving the experience, which could leave her totally vulnerable, say, in a fight.

2.  Escalating Challenge:  

Challenge 1: Anxiety accounts for Parisa’s sleeping difficulties. In the opening scenes, Parisa goes for a workout in the middle of the night.

Challenge 2: When brawny female underground champion, Ruthless, threatens Parisa to death, she gets numbed and unable to defend herself.

Challenge 3: When Ruthless blatantly kills her bosom friend Sandy in front of her eyes, Parisa experiences a flashback linking the falling of her sister with Sandy’s head hitting the canvas. A deep wound gets reopened.

Challenge 4: When Ruthless chokes Parisa in the opening match of the tournament, Parisa impersonates Sandy and falls inoperative.

3.  The Transformation:  

In the tournament final, Parisa fights Shanaz, the Ruler’s Favorite, on top of a high scaffold, where she envisions pressing the treadmill UP buttons and going for HIGH levels all her life.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

INT. A GLOOMY, SHABBY FITNESS ROOM (PARIS) – NIGHT

In the middle of the night, PARISA gets ready to workout. She croons a song about loneliness.

Pictures on the wall show reminiscences of her career as cheerleader and coach. She replaces the tape partially blocking a legend “Mom & Dad’s—“ engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child.

She presses the up arrows on the treadmill console as she croons the sad song. She wipes off the tears from her eyes and takes a deep breath to swallow the pain.

The treadmill ship sets sail into the workout with Parisa at the helm. She combines Thai boxing moves with jogging.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE (NEW YORK) — SAME TIME

Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. A GLOOMY, SHABBY FITNESS ROOM (PARIS) — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. SYLVAN’S CAR – DAY

Parisa fills uncle Sylvain with the details of the break up. Badahur said that he had to go with Philip and ditched her. Sylvain offers to help Parisa break into the underground MMA world.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Sylvain introduces Parisa to the underground MMA RINGMASTERS. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — NIGHT

It’s Parisa’s debut night. Once again, she gets badly beaten.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — LATER

Parisa bumps into SANDY, an old schoolmate. She works as a janitor and helps female fighters. Sandy takes care of Parisa’s injuries. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks.

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance.

Parisa refusal escalates from insecurity: “I… I’m not sure. I mean… are you sure?” to polite decline: “I mean, I respect your point, but… does that, uh, work?” to refusal: “NO! Big NO! I need to fight.”

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — NIGHT

Sandy takes care of Parisa’s injuries. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks. Sandy judges that Parisa will live, but she should learn to fight.

Parisa is scared: “I need to be a fighter (sobs) and I, I don’t even know if I got what it takes, but (sobs)”. When her anxiety takes over, she gets depressed. “I’m not a fighter! Oh my, what I was thinking! That (beat) that cage… I’ve been thrown to the lions! Now (beat) now what? 


Sandy agrees with Sylvain’s crazy idea: Parisa should take dance lessons!

INT. COLLAGE 1: DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa shows how charming she is in latin rhythms: salsa, tango and samba. She can bend very low in the “limbo.” Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

Parisa looks at her dancing queen dress. “This isn’t fair, “B” might be in danger and I… I’m here just dancing” “
I wonder what B would say if he saw me like this. Bet he would hate me.” 


INT. COLLAGE 2: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira. She shows them respect: “I’m willing to put as many hours as this might take, OK?” 
”Promise me this is going to work. Promise?”

INT. COLLAGE 3: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

The masters help Parisa build martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles. Parisa follows their instructions and puts lots of effort.

INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS CAPOEIRA INSTRUMENTS — DAY

Parisa discovers a type of spurs (knives) in Maestre Oliveira collection. Maestre Oliveira’s disciple wears the spurs. Cuts a dummy´s middle section, legs, and neck. Parisa does a butterfly shuanzi jumping kick. Chops a dummy’s neck

INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS: ROPE DART — DAY

Parisa observes the rope-dart. She awkwardly manipulates it, but perseveres in the face of difficulty. 
After several attempts throwing the dart and missing the target… she finally lands the dart on the bullseye.

INT. COLLAGE 5: MIXED MARTIAL LATIN — UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa dodges punches, limbo arching back to avoid a back spinning kick. Pinned down, she kicks back from the floor Capoeira style. The opponent tumbles down. Another night, she tango steps and pins down the opponent. And another night, she locks opponent’s neck to submission… her arm gets raised — a win!

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Sandy celebrates with Parisa her first win. Sandy wants to be a fighter, too. Parisa warns Sandy that because of her lack of training in MA, she could get hurt. Her words hit a soft spot. Sandy gets offended. Walks away.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY ROOF – NIGHT

Parisa monitors the MMA facility from top of the roof. A man “Parkour-jumps” from another building onto the roof of the MMA facility. He is PHILIP, the man who run away with her fiancé. As Parisa confronts him, THE RULER’S MEN attack them. Parisa and Philip run.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY STREET – CONT

A second group intervenes. They are heavily armed. The Ruler’s men run away. Philip is gone, too.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY STREET – CONT

The leader of the group gives Parisa a package: “This is not the antidote, but it will keep him alive.” Parisa is confused. Antidote? Badahur is not with Philip? Before she can ask any question, they’re gone.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Parisa searches for her fiancé. She bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, She threatens Parisa to death if she ever mess around with her or dares to cross her path in the octagon. Parisa gets numbed-frightened and unable to defend herself.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — NIGHT

Sylvain escorts Parisa to the lockers. “Good fight. Now rest. It’s Open Fight Night. I’m going back to check the new talents.” Parisa let her body stumble on the massage table. Closes her eyes. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks. Nobody answers. “Sandy… Sandy? Sand— Oh, no!” Parisa rushes back to the octagon cage.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — SAME TIME

It’s “Open Fight Night.” Sandy finds her way into the cage with… Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Nobody listens. Ruthless kills Sandy in front of Parisa’s eyes. Parisa experiences a flashback linking the falling of her sister with Sandy’s head hitting the canvas. A deep wound reopens. Parisa cries. A ringmaster says: “What? It was an accident, uh?”

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — LATER

Philip finally gets Bahadur out of captivity. Parisa follows them close.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

They get ambushed and imprisoned by The Ruler’s men.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

They get transported to a secret place somewhere in the middle of the desert. On the road, Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and explains that breaking up was a way to protect her.

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — ONE NIGHT LATER

Parisa asks Bahadur why he uses the name Persian Warrior. Badahur describes how Persian warriors used their environment, hide in the desert sands, etc.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip step into the darkness of a dome. Augmented reality starts as they enter the cage.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

LIONS. The cage suddenly appears in the middle of the Roman Coliseum. The Lions run towards the octagon. The cage opens up! THE LIONS… fade away.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

THE RULER’s voice rings in every corner. His vision: this place will be the Mecca of underground MMA fights. Parisa and friends will test drive the project. If they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play and win the final match.

EXT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Badahur asks the Ruler, “What if we just gave you the secret?” The Ruler laughs: “Secrets are a burden that YOU may want to get rid of. You will soon beg me to take that burden away from you. Now, let’s play.”

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Bahadur asks: How do you say “help me” in French? Parisa teaches Bahadur: Aidez – moi

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip are thrown into a 3:3 bareknuckle team fight. Rules change on the spot, Bahadur is too weak. Philip ends up fighting the three men. He gets defeated.

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Rules change. Parisa is now the prize for the three winners to hunt. The referee cuts Parisa’s t-shirt open with a knife. Parisa snatches the knife and stabs the referee. She runs away into the desert. The three men split up to hunt her.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

She rips off her t-shirt and attaches the knife: a makeshift rope-dart. Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

Parisa ambushes her FIRST OPPONENT, a knife-thrower assassin with FOUR knives in his hand. Parisa only has ONE knife… attached to a rope. She throws and retrieves the rope-dart using feet, elbows, and waist before her opponent can throw even once.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa rips off his clothes. Makes stripes to tie and gag him up.

Parisa produces a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs. She attaches the knife-thrower’s knives to her ankles. Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

Parisa comes out of the sand. She advances with quick steps forward, each punting sand towards her SECOND OPPONENT. She takes down her second opponent using the makeshift Capoeira spurs attached to her ankles.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa rips off the clothes of her second opponent. She ties him up and uses the rest of the stripes to attach the claimed knives to her wrists. Once again, Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

The THIRD OPPONENT wears a LONG, THICK BRAID wrapped around his neck. He is the strongest of the three men. As if guided by a sixth sense, he thrusts his hands into the sand and digs Parisa out.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa recovers and advances with quick steps and back kick turns punting and lifting sand. She does a butterfly shuanzi kick. Cuts the braid with the spurs. Her move leaves a scratch on the opponent’s skin right above the jugular vein.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa ties and gags up the man. She rips off his clothes… except for his shirt. An AKA touches the back of Parisa’s head. “Mom says, dinner is ready. Time to go back.”

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – LATER

Parisa enters the tent. She wears the shirt of her third opponent as a trophy. Guards armed with AKAs bring the defeated opponents in. The Man in a Tunic is in charge now. He orders Shanaz “The Ruler’s Favorite” to kill the three men and the referee.

7. Crisis

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa keeps training under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her. Philip admits that he wants to have her before Ruthless rips her into pieces. His words enrage Parisa. She fights back and breaks his knee.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

The Man in a Tunic arrives to the spot where Philip lies unconscious. Guards hold Philip still. CRACK!… He puts Philip’s knee back in place.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament. Parisa gets the upper hand. The rules change: Parisa must kill her opponent. Parisa refuses.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

The Man in a Tunic points a gun at Bahadur. Philip does not intervene.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Ruthless takes Parisa by surprise and chokes her with a neck lock. Unable to breathe, anxiety impairs Parisa. She re-lives Sandy’s killing, but this time, Parisa impersonates Sandy. Falls numb, unable to fight back

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Badahur snatches the gun from the Man in a Tunic and threatens to shoot him. He makes Ruthless release Parisa and step back. Parisa remains on the floor. Cries.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Ruthless frees Parisa. Ruthless cynically giggles at Bahadur. Over and over, she pretends attacking Parisa then stops.

SUPERNATURAL MEET

In her hallucination, Parisa makes amends with Sandy, who, as usual, encourages her to keep fighting. Parisa asks Sandy if she wants to take over. A voice says: “What the heck! Who knows, uh?”

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Ruthless is too close to Parisa. This time, Badahur fires at Ruthless, but the gun is empty. They were played on.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – CONT

Ruthless laughs insane. She throws herself in the air to land on Parisa. She is in mid-air about to stumble on her, when she suddenly sees Sandy, not Parisa, turning around and kicking her from the floor.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – SLOW MOTION:

Ruthless turns her head to avoid the kick on her face, but exposes her throat. The kick aimed to Ruthless face, lands on her air pipe. Ruthless chokes. Can’t breathe. Moves back.

SUPERNATURAL MEET

Parisa hears a voice saying: “She’s yours.” Parisa stands up.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – CONT

Parisa RUNS at her opponent. Aerial KNEE to plexus. DOWNWARD ELBOW lands heavily on head’s top. BUTTERFLY TWIST makes Ruthless head turn back and forth out of control.

RUTHLESS

…gasping for air, mouth hopelessly open. Ruthless head hits the ground. She does not stand up. Referee rushes in. Checks her pulse. Silence… prevails.

PARISA

…still in tears, wipes her face and whispers: “What? It was an accident, uh, bitch?”

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The plan works. Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device. She furtively passes it to Philip.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

The guard notices his cellphone is gone. Points his gun at Badahur, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead. 


8. Climax

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – SCAFFOLD — DAY

Parisa fights Shanaz. Anxiety is about to take over, but this time, she envisions pressing the treadmill UP buttons and going for HIGH levels as she did in the opening scene. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Despair. Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. The antidote is meaningless without her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Hope. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. No reaction.

Badahur yells: Aidez – moi! French paramedics finally notice him. Take them away. The antidote is left behind, right where Parisa collapsed.

INT. AIR AMBULANCE — SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY

Parisa POV — A BLUR. “How bad is it?” followed by an old conversation she had with Sandy back then. “I must go back?” Parisa is confused…

INT. AIR AMBULANCE — CONT

The blur turns into military paramedics. Air ambulance crew commotion. “She’s back”, a voice says. Now Badahur realizes there’s hope, but he left the antidote behind.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

THE ANTIDOTE left behind at the extraction point. Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot. JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Full-out Characters

What I learned is…

This brainstorming helps to give each character a distinctive voice. It also produced some lines of dialogue that could work in other situations and produce more scenes that the story needs, anyway.

Situation: Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance. Parisa refuses.

Core trait A

Perfectionist

• “What? But how could dance help me with fighting?” 

• “I’d rather go to Thailand. Find some tough guys. Champions. Let them coach me, uh?” 

• “This, dancing idea. Sounds fantastic. But I’m afraid we need a quick solution. It’s here’n now, OK?” 

• C’mon, OK. Let’s just go to the essence. Just show me kick-punch-jab-throw. What else is needed?
• Puts lots of effort 

• “I’m willing to put as many hours as this is gonna take, OK?”
• Trains with attention to detail, following instructions 

• Perseveres in the face of difficulty. 


Trait B

highly principled

• I’m sorry. Don’t mean to disappoint you, but… 
to be honest
• I really-really, I mean, I respect your point, but… does that, uh, work? 
</font>
• Parisa looks at her dancing queen dress. “This isn’t fair, “B” might be in danger and I… I’m going to be dancing?” 

• I wonder what B would say if he saw me like this. Bet he would hate me. 


Trait C

fearful

• Dancing, uh? I… I’m not sure. I mean… are you sure? But how… how’s that possible? 

• Dance? I… I mean, NO! Big NO! I need to fight. They, they’re gonna kill me. I need… I need to protect myself!

Trait D

emotional… in private

• Look. Just look, OK? First time, I only lasted one minute. And the next time, just half a minute. Are you with me? You see the pattern? What’s going to happen next? 

• I’m not a fighter! Oh my, what I was thinking! That (beat) that cage… I’ve been thrown to the lions! Now (beat) now what? 


Character subtext

Suffers anxiety

• The men who took him away… you-you saw them?
• But papa Sylvain, we have not much time. I need to get him back. 

• I feel he’s in danger and I need to get him back.
• Oh, who knows if I can do this! Is crazy, so crazy! 


Motivation

Wants / Needs

wants her fiancé back

needs to become a fighter

• You know why I’m doing this. Please, help me. 

• I know you mean well, but if I fail, it means my whole world…
• Promise me this is going to work. Promise? 

• Oh, what am I thinking? It’s crazy… dance? 


Unique, special

Her fear to fail sends her towards extremes: take risk or doom

• I need to be a fighter (sobs) and I (beat) I don’t even know if I got what it takes, but (sobs)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Character Chemistry.

What have I learned from this assignment

The story can still take unexpected turns if I just further explore the chemistry between the characters. The story can sill take unexpected turns if I further explore the chemistry between the characters relationships and their fluctuations.

ASSIGNMENT

———-

Compare your top five characters and discover what gives each of their relationships chemistry.

Protagonist/Antagonist: Parisa / The Ruler

A. Common ground / similarities:

Parisa-perfectionist / The Ruler – high achiever

B. Differences that create conflict:

Parisa: well-centered / The Ruler: narcissist

Parisa: highly principled / The Ruler: cunning

Protagonist/Connecting Character: Parisa / Ruthless

A. Common ground / similarities.

<font>female fighters, high achievers, competitive,</font>

B. Differences that create conflict.

Parisa: perfectionist / Ruthless: pursues victory, to conquer the opponent

Parisa: highly principled / Ruthless: deceitful

Parisa: relies on technical improvement / Ruthless: natural prowess (size, strength)

Antagonist/Connecting Character: Parisa / Shanaz

A. Common ground / similarities.

fighters, deadly dangerous

B. Differences that create conflict.

Parisa: highly principled / Shanaz: irrational killer

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

Parisa: can fight to death for love, good and right / Shanaz: fights for evil

Protagonist/Supporting Character 1: Parisa / Philip

A. Common ground / similarities.

Both are related to Bahadur; targeted and imprisoned by the Ruler,

B. Differences that create conflict.

For Parisa, B is a love interest / For Philip, B is part of a mission

Parisa cares for B / Philip cares for the secret B holds

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas

Parisa believes Philip is helping B to hold on / Philip is slowly killing B

Antagonist/Supporting Character 1: The Ruler / Philip TBD

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Characters Live!

What I learned from this:

It feels more like drawing than writing! I like it! Yet, cinematic language should prevail. We are still to abide by show-no-tell.

=========================

INT. A GLOOMY, SHABBY FITNESS ROOM (PARIS) – NIGHT

A treadmill’s control panel glows in the darkness like an old, dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.

SUPER: PARIS, 5:30 AM

Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, the slim, athletic silhouette of a WOMAN climbs on the machine. She pours water on her head. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes the console start button.

Pictures on the wall show memories of PARISA NEDELEC career as cheerleader and coach. A frame reads: “Mom and Dad’s Masterpiece” — cursing her to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty. Except that… she does’t go for any of that.

PARISA (V.O.)

(crooning)

Say we’re going far while I’m here,

stuck in the same old place.

She quickly wipes off the tears coming from…

HER CAPTIVATING EYES

that now focus on the console controls with expert attitude. Her fingers push the…

UP ARROWS

All digits roll up on the display, Distance. Speed. She sets her standards pretty high.

PARISA (V.O.)

(crooning)

Show me miles and miles.

Make me feel I’m reaching.

She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps swallow the pain.

Wireless earphones in place, she drops her cellphone in the console’s deck. A sound…

YEEERK…

frees the loud cry of the flywheel begging for maintenance or, perhaps, it is the first guitar chord of an electronic song that sets the reluctant treadmill ship off on a fitness journey — with Parisa on the helm.

Her sneakers rhythmically pound on the band. She progressively builds up speed. Then slows down to add some Thai-boxing moves to her jogging.

Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust. YEEERK…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Dueling Agendas

What I learned from this assignment

When we hear that every scene has to advance the story, sounds ambitious until you use a tool like this. Having the character traits and subtext in front of my eyes, it makes it possible to keep the scene tight.

Assignment: Go into your outline and select a scene where two characters have competing agendas. Be sure to highlight the character’s agendas through their actions and dialogue.

Suggested steps:

1. Select two characters

CHARACTER 1: Parisa – protagonist

Traits / Subtext:

• highly principled: must express gratitude, must help people in need (Philip is bleeding)
• perfectionist: she holds Philip as a professional, expects him to do his best
• extremely emotional… when nobody is looking: alarmed when Philip is bleeding
• fearful / withdrawn: unstable after the night brawl experience, helpless

CHARACTER 2: Philip – support

Traits / Subtext:

• efficient: knows exactly what his mission is
• unstable, impulsive self-damaging: self-cutting, smokes
• socially shallow: unable to accept help, rude

2. Create a situation where those agendas would naturally oppose each other.

After the unexpected first night in the desert, once the brawl is over and Parisa has saved the day, Badahur and Parisa wonder where Philip is. He was badly beaten by the guards

3. Write a high-speed outline of how the agendas can play out.

• Parisa finds Philip. [Parisa: principled: express gratitude] He is alone, engage in self-damage [Philip: impulsive, self-damaging]
• Parisa helps contain the hemorrhage. [principled: must help people in need] Philip doesn’t welcome her.
• Parisa wonders if Philip can help them escape. [fearful: unstable]
• Philip reveals his mission is to prevent the payload from disclosure, [Philip: efficient, knows what his mission is] not about protecting anyone. [Philip: socially shallow, unable to care for others]
• Parisa feels uncomfortable. Stops treating Philip’s wound. [emotional, withdrawn]
• Philip slashes Parisa with ingratitude. [Philip: socially shallow / inept, unable to accept help, rude]

EXT. DESERT — RULER’S UNDERGROUND MMA COMPLEX — NIGHT

Philip sits alone in the sand. He cuts his fighter handwraps using his metal nail implants. Parisa approaches him.

PHILIP

What’ you want?

PARISA

Are you OK? We were wondering—

PHILIP

I’m not OK. Leave me alone.

PARISA

Listen. You got beaten for us and I —

PHILIP

Save your words. Go back.

PARISA

Sure. Mmh… uh, sure.

Parisa leaves. Philip’s stares at his tape-free left hand. He cuts his forearm skin open with the metal implants. Painfully, he glares at the blood that pours from the wound. Parisa returns.

PARISA

OK. Listen, I just wanted—

(looks at the blood)

Hey, STOP! Don’t… don’t—

She dashes to Philip side, grabs pieces of the handwraps and covers the cut.

PARISA (CON’T)

Here! Don’t move! Just need to press this…

Don’t move!

PHILIP

Is just a scratch.

PARISA

Don’t move. You will be fine.

How did you, I mean, what—

Philip unfolds his nail implants. Parisa openmouthed takes a glance at the blades. Philip quickly folds them back.

PARISA (CON’T)

You could have killed the guards with those!

But you let them… Now, seriously, why’ you —

PHILIP

Nah. Uh-uh. If they found out, they’d chop off

my hands. Nah. Not just yet.

PARISA

Hey. Can you…

PHILIP

What?

PARISA

Can you take us out of here?

PHILIP

Oh, that? That—

PARISA

Can you?

PHILIP

That’s not my mission.

PARISA

So, so what’s your mission?

PHILIP

Monitor repository. Prevent payload

disclosure.

PARISA

W-what? OK. Now in English, please.

PHILIP

To monitor Alpha Target… mmh, the witness.

Prevent him from giving the secret away.

PARISA

So, your job’s to protect “B”,

which means—

PHILIP

No. That’s not part of the deal.

PARISA

But, but you just said—

PHILIP

Look. My orders—

PARISA

But then how can you prevent that he

gave the secret away?

Philip’s eyes look somewhere else. Pulls a cigaret pack from his pocket. It’s empty.

PHILIP

Damn it!

(to Parisa)

Bet you don’t happen to have a… uh?

Parisa shakes her head. Philip crumples the empty pack.

PHILIP

Knew it. Anyway…

Repository must be monitored. Closely.

Parisa scrutinizes Philip’s eyes.

PHILIP (CON’T)

Anything that could result in payload

disclosure MUST be anticipated and…

Philip throws away the empty cigaret pack.

PHILIP (CON’T)

… TERMINATED.

PARISA

(grows impatient)

Look. You don’t want to speak English.

(quits pressing wound)

so, I think I better go.

Parisa takes off with quick steps.

PHILIP

Hey! Hey!

…Thank you!

PARISA

Forget it. It’s nothing.

PHILIP

Not talking ‘bout the wound.

Parisa slows down. Confused.

PHILIP (CON’T)

I asked you to go back a while ago.

Philip throws away the handwraps that Parisa used to put pressure on the wound.

PHILIP (CON’T)

… and you just finally listened.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

I did not receive the email lesson. Help!

=============================

With appreciation to Kate Hawkes for timely “coming to the rescue” when everything else had failed.

=============================

Antonio Flores’ Character Arc

What I learned doing this assignment

Indeed, screenwriting is a non-linear process. We must go back and forth looking for the coherence that makes things believable, exciting, entertaining. Because at the start I had selected the plot “discovery” for my story, I had conceptualized the “you were, you are, you will be” of the protagonist, but this structure makes the protagonist arc more believable. Only one flaw or one fear to be conquered. Less is more.

ASSIGNMENT:

• Apply the Character Arc process to your protagonist and add the improvements to your structure.
• Write up the Issue, Challenges, and Transformation.  

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter.

1.  The Issue:  

Parisa suffers of acute stress disorder, a type of anxiety caused by the traumatic experience of having watched her sister falling from top of a building and dying. Parisa re-experiences this traumatic event through recurrent images, thoughts, dreams, illusions, flashback episodes or a sense of reliving the experience, which could leave her totally vulnerable, say, in a fight.

2.  Escalating Challenge:  

Challenge 1: Anxiety accounts for Parisa’s sleeping difficulties. In the opening scenes, Parisa goes for a workout in the middle of the night.

Challenge 2: When brawny female underground champion, Ruthless, threatens Parisa to death, she gets numbed and unable to defend herself.

Challenge 3: When Ruthless blatantly kills her bosom friend Sandy in front of her eyes, Parisa experiences a flashback linking the falling of her sister with Sandy’s head hitting the canvas. A deep wound gets reopened.

Challenge 4: When Ruthless chokes Parisa in the opening match of the tournament, Parisa impersonates Sandy and falls inoperative.

3.  The Transformation:  

In the tournament final, Parisa fights Shanaz, the Ruler’s Favorite, on top of a high scaffold, where she envisions (we saw this in tho opening scenes) pressing the treadmill UP buttons and going for HIGH levels – something she has done all her life.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ Subtext and Loglines

What I learned doing this assignment is…?

This is where flat characters start getting some dimension. Is like if the characters got a voice telling us what to write.

ASSIGNMENT: Create subtext and loglines for your three main characters. Then write a list of possible areas for subtext with each character.

PROTAGONIST

Name: Parisa Nedelec

Traits: highly principled, perfectionist, extremely emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn

Subtext: fearful / withdrawn

Character Logline:

PARISA is an underground MMA fighter who must win a deadly tournament to rescue her fiancé, but she first must keep under control the anxiety disorder that leaves her vulnerable to her opponents.

Possible areas of subtext: Parisa re-experiences Ruthless death threat and the blatant killing of her bosom friend Sandy in front of her eyes through recurrent images, dreams, and illusions. (fearful)

Ruthless takes Parisa by surprise and chokes her with a neck lock. Unable to breathe, anxiety impairs Parisa. She re-lives Sandy’s killing. Falls numb, unable to fight back (withdrawn).

Parisa remains on the floor. Cries (emotional).

CONNECTION

Name: Sandy Estrella

Traits: Adventurous, impulsive — not afraid of confrontation, greedy

Subtext: Adventurous, impulsive

Character logline:

Sandy is Parisa’s bosom friend who dreams on making lots of money and becoming someone, but when her adventurous disregard for her own safety leads her to death, she remains as the trauma in Parisa’s mind and the fuel in her heart.

Possible areas of subtext:

In her hallucination, Parisa makes amends with Sandy, who encourages her to keep fighting. Parisa asks Sandy if she wants to take over. A voice says: “What the heck! Who knows, uh?” (adventurous)

Ruthless laughs insane. She throws herself in the air to land on Parisa. She is in mid-air about to stumble on her, when she suddenly sees Sandy, not Parisa, turning around and kicking her from the floor (impulsive).

ANTAGONIST

Name: The Ruler

Traits: Deceitful, narcissistic (image is everything), power-thirst, greedy

Subtext: deceitful, narcissistic

Character Logline:

The Ruler is a deceitful, narcissistic man who shepherds Parisa and her friends through mental torture to curb their spirit and steal a secret that Bahadur unwillingly keeps.

Possible areas of subtext:

When Badahur asks the Ruler, “What if we just gave you the secret?” The Ruler laughs (narcissistic):

“Secrets are a burden that YOU may want to get rid of. You will very very soon BEG me to take that burden away from you (deceitful). Now, let’s play. Shall we?”

The day of the tournament opening, The Ruler demands Parisa to kill Ruthless. “I now declare THIS is a fight to DEATH.” (narcissistic) Parisa refuses to kill.

(…) Ruthless head hits the ground. She does not stand up. Referee rushes in. Checks her pulse. Silence… prevails.

Parisa, still in tears, wipes her face and whispers: “What? It was an accident, uh, bitch?”

Parisa turns around. The Ruler seat is EMPTY. He’s gone (narcissistic)

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores’ characters

What I learned doing this assignment is…

That when the assignment’s tension is building up and getting… pretty high, reading the instruction “RELAX” is such an enjoyable “aaah…” breathe out moment! Then it is possible to explore the characters and build up a better understanding of the narrative.

ASSIGNMENT:

Create Character Profiles for THREE characters you’ll use throughout the program. Then post them to the forums.

PROTAGONIST

Character Name: Parisa

1. Basic character traits:

• highly principled
• a perfectionist
• very emotional… when nobody is looking
• fearful / withdrawn

2. Want/Need

• Want: To get her fiancé back
• Need: Love

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

• highly principled: inflexible, appears as highly predictable in the eyes of her opponents
• external confidence, but insecure inside, too aware of her weaknesses
• fearful: pushes herself to take risks just to avoid feeling guilt for having failed
• very emotional, yet, repressed, unable to express tender feelings

4. Secret:

<font size=”3″>She saw her sister die in an accident. When Sandy gets killed in front of her eyes, it opens a wound.</font>

5. Flaw:

Rules put lots of pressure on her and when she is under pressure, she gets angry. Rules challenge her ability to achieve perfection. Rules make her feel guilty for having failed even before failing.

6. Special:

Parisa is stronger than what she looks.

ANTAGONIST

Character Name: The Ruler

1. Basic character traits:

• Cunning
• Narcissistic<font size=”3″>: Image is everything</font>
• Power-thirst
• Greedy

2. Want/Need

• Want: Winning in the ONLY thing
• Need: Power

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

Cunning, yet “authentic” shrewd

4. Secret:

TBD

5. Flaw:

Narcissistic: Image is everything

6. Special:

He is a genius, a leader

SUPPORT

Character Name: Sandy Estrella

1. Basic character traits:

What are 3 or 4 traits that this character consistently operates out of? Usually, one of those traits needs to be unique to keep the character from being cliche.

• Adventurous
• Impulsive — Not afraid of confrontation
• Greedy

2. Want/Need

• Wants: Material things
• Needs: Respect, to be somebody

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

What opposite values does this character have that creates an internal conflict for them?

TBD

4. Secret:

Sandy envies Parisa. She believes that she can be a winner fighter, too.

5. Flaw:

Greedy: pushes others aside and even ignore laws to get what she wants.

6. Special:

TBD

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores: Essence Only for Exchange

What I learned is…?

Clarity is of an essence…

A. Concept:

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

B. Plot Choice:

Escape

C. Character Structure: Dramatic triangle

Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

• Parisa wants Bahadur back. Eventually, she finds out that she has been targeted by Philip’s predatory nature and that he is also a deadly threat to Bahadur


• Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but she is his only hope. As the poison makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well.


• Philip’s task is to prevent Bahadur to give away the secret, even if he had to kill him to accomplish this — rescuing him is just another option. He considers Parisa an extra load, but he likes her looks.


• The three of them want to escape the Ruler’s evil hunting.


D. Lead Characters

• PARISA, a cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé. 


• BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound substance as he unwillingly keeps the secret location of an strategic weapon.


• PHILIP is a secret agent whose task is preventing Bahadur to give away the secret, even if it was necessary to kill him — he eventually becomes a threat to Parisa and Bahadur. 


• THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret.


E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

F. Main Conflict:

The Ruler wants to steal the secret as much as he craves for torturing Parisa and her friends, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely… and the clock is ticking.

G. Dilemma:

To get the antidote, Parisa must win a fight to death and become an assassin or give up the life of her fiancé.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

INT. FITNESS ROOM — NIGHT

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — SAME TIME

Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. FITNESS ROOM — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. SYLVAN’S CAR – DAY

Parisa fills uncle Sylvain with the details of the break up. Badahur said that he had to go with Philip and ditched her. Sylvain offers to help Parisa break into the underground MMA world.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Sylvain introduces Parisa to the underground MMA RINGMASTERS. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — NIGHT

It’s Parisa’s debut night. Once again, she gets badly beaten.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — LATER

Parisa bumps into SANDY, an old schoolmate. She works as a janitor and helps female fighters. Sandy takes care of Parisa’s injuries. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks.

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance. Parisa refuses.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — NIGHT

Sandy takes care of Parisa’s injuries. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks. Sandy judges that Parisa will live, but she should learn to fight. Sandy agrees with Sylvain’s crazy idea: Parisa should take dance lessons!

MONTAGE 1: INT. DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa shows how charming she is in latin rhythms: salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

MONTAGE 2: INT. MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.

MONTAGE 3: INT. MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

The masters help Parisa build martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles.

MONTAGE 4: INT. MARTIAL ARTS CAPOEIRA INSTRUMENTS — DAY

Parisa discovers a type of spurs (knives) in Maestre Oliveira collection. Maestre Oliveira’s disciple wears the spurs. Cuts a dummy´s middle section, legs, and neck. Parisa does a butterfly shuanzi jumping kick. Chops a dummy’s neck

MONTAGE 5: INT. MARTIAL ARTS: ROPE DART — DAY

Parisa observes the rope-dart. She awkwardly manipulates it. After several attempts throwing the dart and missing the target… she finally lands the dart on the bullseye.

MONTAGE 6: INT. MIXED MARTIAL LATIN — UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa dodges punches, limbo arching back to avoid a back spinning kick. Pinned down, she kicks back from the floor Capoeira style. The opponent tumbles down. Another night, she tango steps and pins down the opponent. And another night, she locks opponent’s neck to submission… her arm gets raised — a win!

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Sandy celebrates with Parisa her first win. Sandy wants to be a fighter, too. Parisa warns Sandy that because of her lack of training in MA, she could get hurt. Her words hit a soft spot. Sandy gets offended. Walks away.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY ROOF – NIGHT

Parisa monitors the MMA facility from top of the roof. A man “Parkour-jumps” from another building onto the roof of the MMA facility. He is PHILIP, the man who run away with her fiancé. As Parisa confronts him, THE RULER’S MEN attack them. Parisa and Philip run.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY STREET – CONT

A second group intervenes. They are heavily armed. The Ruler’s men run away. Philip is gone, too.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY STREET – CONT

The leader of the group gives Parisa a package: “This is not the antidote, but it will keep him alive.” Parisa is confused. Antidote? Badahur is not with Philip? Before she can ask any question, they’re gone.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Parisa searches for her fiancé. She bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, She threatens Parisa to death if she ever mess around with her or dares to cross her path in the octagon. Parisa gets extremely frightened.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — NIGHT

Sylvain escorts Parisa to the lockers. “Good fight. Now rest. It’s Open Fight Night. I’m going back to check the new talents.” Parisa let her body stumble on the massage table. Closes her eyes. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks. Nobody answers. “Sandy… Sandy? Sand— Oh, no!” Parisa rushes back to the octagon cage.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — SAME TIME

It’s “Open Fight Night.” Sandy finds her way into the cage with… Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Nobody listens. Ruthless kills Sandy in front of Parisa’s eyes. Parisa cries. A ringmaster says: “What? It was an accident, uh?”

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — LATER

Philip finally gets Bahadur out of captivity. Parisa follows them close.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

They get ambushed and imprisoned by The Ruler’s men.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

They get transported to a secret place somewhere in the middle of the desert. On the road, Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and explains that breaking up was a way to protect her.

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — ONE NIGHT LATER

Parisa asks Bahadur why he uses the name Persian Warrior. Badahur describes how Persian warriors used their environment, hide in the desert sands, etc.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip step into the darkness of a dome. Augmented reality starts as they enter the cage.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

LIONS. The cage suddenly appears in the middle of the Roman Coliseum. The Lions run towards the octagon. The cage opens up! THE LIONS… fade away.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

THE RULER’s voice rings in every corner. His vision: this place will be the Mecca of underground MMA fights. Parisa and friends will test drive the project. If they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play and win the final match.

EXT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Badahur asks the Ruler, “What if we just gave you the secret?” The Ruler laughs: “Secrets are a burden that YOU may want to get rid of. You will soon beg me to take that burden away from you. Now, let’s play.”

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Bahadur asks: How do you say “help me” in French? Parisa teaches Bahadur: Aidez – moi

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip are thrown into a 3:3 bareknuckle team fight. Rules change on the spot, Bahadur is too weak. Philip ends up fighting the three men. He gets defeated.

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Rules change. Parisa is now the prize for the three winners to hunt. The referee cuts Parisa’s t-shirt open with a knife. Parisa snatches the knife and stabs the referee. She runs away into the desert. The three men split up to hunt her.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

She rips off her t-shirt and attaches the knife: a makeshift rope-dart. Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

Parisa ambushes her FIRST OPPONENT, a knife-thrower assassin with FOUR knives in his hand. Parisa only has ONE knife… attached to a rope. She throws and retrieves the rope-dart using feet, elbows, and waist before her opponent can throw even once.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa rips off his clothes. Makes stripes to tie and gag him up.

Parisa produces a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs. She attaches the knife-thrower’s knives to her ankles. Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

Parisa comes out of the sand. She advances with quick steps forward, each punting sand towards her SECOND OPPONENT. She takes down her second opponent using the makeshift Capoeira spurs attached to her ankles.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa rips off the clothes of her second opponent. She ties him up and uses the rest of the stripes to attach the claimed knives to her wrists. Once again, Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

The THIRD OPPONENT wears a LONG, THICK BRAID wrapped around his neck. He is the strongest of the three men. As if guided by a sixth sense, he thrusts his hands into the sand and digs Parisa out.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa recovers and advances with quick steps and back kick turns punting and lifting sand. She does a butterfly shuanzi kick. Cuts the braid with the spurs. Her move leaves a scratch on the opponent’s skin right above the jugular vein.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Parisa ties and gags up the man. She rips off his clothes… except for his shirt. An AKA touches the back of Parisa’s head. “Mom says, dinner is ready. Time to go back.”

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – LATER

Parisa enters the tent. She wears the shirt of her third opponent as a trophy. Guards armed with AKAs bring the defeated opponents in. The Man in a Tunic is in charge now. He orders Shanaz “The Ruler’s Favorite” to kill the three men and the referee.

7. Crisis

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa keeps training under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her. Philip admits that he wants to have her before Ruthless rips her into pieces. His words enrage Parisa. She fights back and breaks his knee.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

The Man in a Tunic arrives to the spot where Philip lies unconscious. Guards hold Philip still. CRACK!… He puts Philip’s knee back in place.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament. Parisa gets the upper hand. The rules change: Parisa must kill her opponent. Parisa refuses.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

The Man in a Tunic points a gun at Bahadur. Philip does not intervene.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Ruthless, but the gun was empty. They were played on.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Ruthless jumps on Parisa, but she suddenly kicks her from the floor. Her move accidentally lands on Ruthless air pipe. She can’t breathe. Unaware, Parisa keeps kicking her until Ruthless falls… and remains down. Parisa whispers: What? It was an accident, uh, bitch?

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The plan works. Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device. She furtively passes it to Philip.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

The guard notices his cellphone is gone. Points his gun at Badahur, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead. 


8. Climax

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Despair. Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. The antidote is meaningless without her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Hope. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. No reaction. Badahur yells: Aidez – moi! French paramedics finally notice him. Take them away. The antidote is left behind right where Parisa collapsed.

INT. AIR AMBULANCE — SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY

Parisa POV — A BLUR. “How bad is it?” followed by an old conversation she had with Sandy back then. “I must go back?” Parisa is confused…

INT. AIR AMBULANCE — CONT

The blur turns into military paramedics. Air ambulance crew commotion. “She’s back”, a voice says. Now Badahur realizes there’s hope, but he left the antidote behind.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

THE ANTIDOTE left behind at the extraction point. Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot. JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Pass 10: Essence Only

What I learned is…?

Clarity is of an essence…

A. Logline.

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

B. Dramatic Question.

Can Parisa become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

C. Main Conflict:

The Ruler wants to steal the secret as much as he craves for torturing Parisa and her friends, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely… and the clock is ticking.

D. Dilemma:

To get the antidote, Parisa must win a fight to death and become an assassin or give up the life of her fiancé.

E. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running

1. Opening

INT. GYM — NIGHT

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — SAME TIME

Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. GYM — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. SYLVAN’S CAR – DAY

Setup 8-1: Parisa fills uncle Sylvain with the details of the break up. Badahur said that he had to go with Philip and ditched her. Sylvain does not believe Bahadur was coming out of the closet. He offers to help Parisa break into the underground MMA world.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Sylvain introduces Parisa to the underground MMA RINGMASTERS. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — NIGHT

It’s Parisa’s debut night. Once again, she gets badly beaten.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — LATER

Setup 1-1: Parisa bumps into SANDY, an old schoolmate. She works as a janitor in the underground cage and helps female fighters. Sandy takes care of Parisa’s injuries. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks.

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Setup 7: Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance. Parisa refuses.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — NIGHT

Sandy takes care of Parisa’s injuries. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks. Sandy judges that Parisa will live, but she should learn to fight. She encourages Parisa to follow Sylvain’s crazy idea: take dance lessons!

INT. COLLAGE 1: DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Payoff 7-1: Parisa shows how charming she is in latin rhythms: salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

INT. COLLAGE 2: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.

INT. COLLAGE 3: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

The masters build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles, and more.

INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS CAPOEIRA INSTRUMENTS — DAY

Setup 3-1: Parisa discovers a type of spurs (knives) in Maestre Oliveira collection.

Payoff 3-1: Maestre Oliveira’s disciple wears the spurs. Cuts a dummy´s middle section, legs, and neck.

Payoff 3-2: Parisa wears the spurs. She does a butterfly shuanzi jumping kick. Cuts a dummy’s neck

INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS: ROPE DART — DAY

Setup 2-1: Parisa observes Shuaijiao Master Wang using the rope-dart

Payoff 2-1: Parisa awkwardly manipulates the rope-dart.

Payoff 2-2: After several attempts throwing the dart and missing the target…

Payoff 2-3: Parisa finally lands the dart on the bullseye.

INT. COLLAGE 5: MIXED MARTIAL LATIN — UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Payoff 7-2: Parisa dodges punches, limbo arching back avoids back spinning kick

Payoff 7-3: Pinned down, Parisa kicks back from the floor Capoeira style

Payoff 7-4: Parisa’s neck locked, she tango steps and pins down the opponent

Payoff 7-5: Parisa locks opponent’s neck and pressure point to submission…

Payoff 7-6: Parisa gets her arm raised by the referee — a win!

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Payoff 1-1: Sandy celebrates with Parisa her first win. Sandy wants to be a fighter, too. Parisa warns Sandy that because of her lack of training in MA, she could get hurt.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY ROOF – NIGHT

Payoff 8-1: Parisa monitors the access to the facility from top of the roof. A man “Parkour-jumps” from another building onto the roof of the MMA facility. He is PHILIP, the man who run away with her fiancé. As Parisa confronts him, THE RULER’S MEN attack them. Parisa and Philip run.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY STREET – CONT

Payoff 8-2: A second group intervenes. They are heavily armed. The Ruler’s men run away. Philip is gone, too. The leader of the second group gives Parisa a package: “This is not the antidote, but it will keep him alive.” Parisa is confused. Antidote? Badahur is not with Philip? Before she can ask any question, they’re gone.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Setup 1-2: As Parisa searches for her fiancé, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, She threatens Parisa to death if she ever mess around with her or dares to cross her path in the octagon. Parisa gets extremely frightened.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS — NIGHT

Sylvain escorts Parisa to the lockers. “Good fight, kiddo. I’ll be waiting outside.” Parisa let her body stumble on the massage table. Closes her eyes. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks. Nobody answers. “Sandy… Sandy? Sand— Oh, no!” Parisa rushes back to the octagon cage.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE — SAME TIME

Payoff 1-2: During “open fight night”, Sandy gets her way into the cage with Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Nobody listens. Ruthless kills Sandy in front of Parisa’s eyes. Parisa cries. A ringmaster looks at Parisa and asks: “What? It was an accident, uh?”

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

Parisa follows them. They get ambushed and imprisoned.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

Payoff 8-3: They get transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and that breaking up was a way to protect her.

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — ONE NIGHT LATER

Setup 4-1: Parisa asks Bahadur why he uses the name Persian Warrior. Badahur explains how Persian warriors used their environment, hide in the desert sands, etc.

INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip step into the darkness of a dome. Augmented reality starts as they step in THE OCTAGON. THE RULER’s vision: this place will be the Mecca of underground MMA. Parisa and friends will test drive this project. If they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play and win the final match.

EXT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Badahur asks the Ruler, “What if we gave you the secret?” The Ruler laughs: “Secrets are a burden that YOU may want to get rid of. You will soon beg for me to take that burden off from you. Now, let’s play.”

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip.

Setup 6-1: How do you say “help me” in French? Parisa teaches Bahadur: Aidez – moi

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Setup 5-1a: Parisa, Bahadur and Philip are thrown into a 3:3 bareknuckle team fight. The rules change on the spot, Bahadur is too weak. Philip ends up fighting the three men. He is defeated.

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Setup 5-1b: Rules change. Parisa is now the prize for the three winners to hunt. The referee cuts Parisa’s t-shirt open with a knife. Parisa snatches the knife and stabs the referee. She flies the tent. The three men split up to hunt her in the open desert.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

Payoff 2-4: She rips off her shirt and attaches the knife to produce a makeshift rope-dart.

Payoff 4-1: Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

Payoff 2-5: Parisa ambushes her FIRST OPPONENT, a knife-thrower assassin with FOUR knives in his hand. Parisa only has ONE knife… attached to a rope. She throws and retrieves the rope-dart using feet, elbows, and waist before her opponent can throw even once.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Payoff 5-1a: Parisa rips off his clothes. Makes stripes to tie and gag him up.

Payoff 2-6 / Payoff 5-1b: Parisa produces a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs. She attaches the knife-thrower’s knives to her ankles. Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

Payoff 4-2: Parisa comes out of the sand. She advances with quick steps forward, each punting sand towards her SECOND OPPONENT.

Payoff 3-3: Parisa takes down her second opponent using the makeshift Capoeira spurs attached to her ankles.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Payoff 5-2: She rips off the clothes of her defeated second opponent. She ties him up and uses the rest of the stripes to attach the claimed knives to her wrists. Once again, Parisa buries herself in the dune sand.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

The THIRD OPPONENT wears a long, thick braid wrapped around his neck. He is the strongest of the three men. As if guided by a sixth sense, he thrusts his hands in the sand and digs Parisa out.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Payoff 4-3: Parisa recovers and advances with quick steps and back kick turns punting and lifting sand.

Payoff 3-4: Parisa jumps butterfly shuanzi kick. She cuts the braid with the spurs, leaving just a scratch on the skin above the jugular vein.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — CONT

Payoff 5-3: Parisa ties and gags up the man. She rips off his clothes… except for his shirt.

An AKA riffle touches the back of Parisa’s head. A guard says: “Mom says, dinner is ready. Time to go back.”

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – LATER

Payoff 5-4: Parisa enters the tent with her chin up. She wears the shirt of her third opponent as a trophy.

Guards armed with AKAs bring the defeated opponents in. The Man in a Tunic is in charge now. He orders Shanaz “The Ruler’s Favorite” to kill the three men and the referee.

7. Crisis

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa keeps training under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her. Philip admits that he wants to have her before Ruthless rips her into pieces. His words enrage Parisa. She fights back and breaks his knee.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4a: Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament. Parisa gets the upper hand. The rules change: Parisa must kill her opponent. Parisa refuses.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4b: The Man in a Tunic points a gun at Bahadur. Philip does not intervene.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4c: Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Ruthless, but the gun was empty. They were played on.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4d: Parisa accidentally kills Ruthless. Parisa whispers: What? It was an accident, uh, bitch?

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The plan works. Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device. She furtively passes it to Philip.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

The guard notices his cellphone is gone. Points his gun at Badahur, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead. 


8. Climax

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Despair. Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. The antidote is meaningless without her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Hope. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. No reaction.

Payoff 6-1: Badahur yells: Aidez – moi! French paramedics finally notice him. Take them away. The antidote is left behind right where Parisa collapsed.

INT. AIR AMBULANCE — SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY

Payoff 1-4: Parisa POV — A BLUR. “How bad is it?” Same conversation she had with Sandy back then. “I must go back?” Parisa is confused… Air ambulance crew commotion. “She’s back”, a voice says. Now Badahur realizes there’s hope, but he left the antidote behind.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

THE ANTIDOTE left behind at the extraction point. Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot. JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate

What I learned doing this is…

That as long as I can see the outline and every scene with fresh eyes, I can apply the strategies over and over and discover new opportunities to elevate the quality… until there is nothing left to improve.

——————–

1. FLAG every scene that has a problem. DESCRIBE what you’ve discovered.

The arrival of Parisa and company to the Ruler’s place was not spectacular enough. They should be entering a whole new world with new rules and challenges.

2. FLAG any scene that can be improved in any way. DESCRIBE what you’ve discovered.

The Ruler’s strategist mind was not well portrayed. Having a prototype underground MMA place for our heroes to test, better describes the villain. The secret is taken for granted as the Ruler’s trophy. Now it’s time to play.

3. WORK one at a time from the easiest to the more difficult areas.

(REVISED) INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip step into the darkness of a dome. Augmented reality starts as they step in THE OCTAGON. THE RULER’s vision: this place will be the Mecca of underground MMA. Fortunes will pour into the deadly tournaments. Parisa and friends will test drive this project. If they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play and win the final match.

(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Badahur asks the Ruler, what if we gave you the secret? The Ruler reacts: Secrets are a burden that YOU may soon want to get rid of. You will beg for me to take the burden off you. Now, let’s play.

I also worked on the climax section. Perhaps some action-reaction, hope-despair might elevate the emotional delivery of these scenes.

8. Climax

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted.

(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. The antidote is meaningless without her. Despair.

(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Hope. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. No reaction.

Payoff 6-1: Badahur yells: Aidez – moi! French paramedics finally notice him. Take them away. The antidote is left behind right where Parisa collapsed.

(REVISED) INT. AIR AMBULANCE — SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY

Payoff 1-4: Parisa POV — A BLUR. “How bad is it?” Same conversation she had with Sandy back then. The blur seems to say thank you. “I must go back? Where?” Air ambulance crew commotion. “She’s back”, a voice says. Now Badahur realizes there’s hope, but he left the antidote behind.

(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

THE ANTIDOTE left behind at the extraction point. Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot. JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.

4. POST your improved outline.

LOGLINE: A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

B. Plot Choice:

Plot choice – Discovery:

The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter. Act one, YOU WERE a fearful cheerleader. Act two, YOU ARE one who learns to turn weaknesses into strengths. Act three, YOU WILL BE a master of the cage by learning to use tactics and strategy from an experienced one. In the end, the hero emerges much wiser, but as it often happens, our hero will do so only just before dying.

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

· Parisa wants her fiancé back. She knows that Philip advised him to break up with her, but she does not know why he did so. Eventually, she finds out that she has been targeted by Philip’s predatory nature. He is also a deadly threat to her fiancé.


· Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but she is her only hope. As the poison makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well.


· Philip’s task is to prevent Bahadur to give away the secret, even if he had to kill him to accomplish this — rescuing him is just another option. He considers Parisa an extra load, but he likes her looks.


· The three of them want to escape the Ruler’s evil hunting.


D. Lead Characters

· PARISA, French background, a cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé. Unaware that he is in the middle of a crime conspiracy, at the start, her involvement often makes things more complicated. She is her fiancé’s only hope.


· BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound substance as he unwillingly keeps the secret location of an strategic weapon. He broke with Parisa to keep her out of danger, but she is his only hope as the clock is ticking.


· PHILIP is a secret agent whose task is preventing Bahadur to give away the secret, even by killing him if so was needed; rescuing him is just another option — he eventually becomes a threat to Parisa and Bahadur. 


· THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret.


Note: the following characters are not leading roles, but I also include them here as this might help everyone understand the plot. The number of characters does not exceed the cast of similar movies, say, Mortal Kombat where one hero, two co-protagonists and their mentor fight against a sorcerer, his champion, an immortal princess, a mercenary and three warrior demons. A total of eleven characters. Another classic of this genre, Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon features ten characters as well.

· RUTHLESS a female underground MMA prizefighter, born to chew her opponents and known by her motto: “I can kill you twice”


· SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter, named “The Ruler’s favorite,” also known as the one who “floods the cage with rage” 


· MAN IN A TUNIC is the Ruler’s right hand, the mastermind behind every criminal plan of the Ruler. 


· SYLVAIN, French background, is Parisa’s uncle, an MMA manager who, unaware of the link with the criminals, he first introduces Bahadur to the underground MMA, and later he helps Parisa to get signed in as well. 


· MAESTRE OLIVEIRA, a capoeira man 


· MASTER WANG, a Chinese Shuaijiao man 


· SANDY is Parisa’s old acquaintance from school. She helps Parisa recover from the daily beating in the cage. 


E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

F. Main Conflict:

The Ruler is determined to steal the secret, he has imprisoned and poisoned Parisa’s fiancé, now he is using mental games to torture them. The lives of Parisa and her fiancé depend on her having the courage to do what frightens her. The clock is ticking and the tournament rules may change without notice.

(REVISED) G. Dilemma:

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip end up in the middle of the desert imprisoned by the Ruler. They need to win the final match to get the poison’s antidote. As Philip gets killed, and Bahadur gets weaker due to the poison, Parisa remains the only hope. Yet, to win a death fight, she must become an assassin or give up the life of her fiancé. What’s worse, they know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely. There is no escape.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Parisa changes from a fearful woman and goes into someone who not only builds strengths from her weakness, she is also able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

1. Opening

INT. GYM — NIGHT

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. GYM — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain introduces her to the underground MMA RINGMASTERS. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

It’s Parisa’s debut night. Once again, she gets badly beaten.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Setup 1-1: Parisa bumps into SANDY, an old schoolmate. She now works as a janitor in the underground cage and helps female fighters. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks Sandy. She takes care of Parisa after she is badly beaten every night.

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance.

INT. COLLAGE 1: DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa refuses at first, but after her uncle’s insistence she enrolls. Parisa shows how charming she is in salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

INT. COLLAGE 2: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.

INT. COLLAGE 3: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

The masters build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles, and more.

INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS CAPOEIRA INSTRUMENTS — DAY

Setup 3-1: Parisa discovers a type of spurs (knives) in Maestre Oliveira collection.

Payoff 3-1: Maestre Oliveira’s disciple shows the spurs cutting a dummy´s middle section, legs, and neck.

Payoff 3-2: Parisa performs a butterfly shuanzi wearing spurs. She cuts a dummy’s neck

INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS: ROPE DART — DAY

Setup 2-1: Parisa observes Shuaijiao Master Wang using the rope-dart

Payoff 2-1: Parisa awkwardly manipulates the rope-dart.

Payoff 2-2: After several attempts throwing the dart and missing the target…

Payoff 2-3: Parisa finally lands the dart on the bullseye.

INT. COLLAGE 5: UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s performance improves from being punched, spitting the mouthpiece, and tapping the opponent… to kicking butt and getting her arm raised by the referee — a win by decision.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Payoff 1-1: Sandy celebrates with Parisa her first win by decision. Sandy wants to be a fighter, too. Parisa warns Sandy that because of her lack of training in MA, she could get hurt.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Setup 1-2: As Parisa searches for her fiancé, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, She threatens Parisa to death if she ever mess around with her or dares to cross her path in the octagon.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Payoff 1-2: During “open fight night”, Sandy gets her way into the cage with Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Ruthless kills Sandy while Parisa watches the whole action. Parisa cries outside the cage. A ringmaster looks at Parisa’s reaction and asks: What? It was an accident, uh?

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

Parisa follows them. They get ambushed and imprisoned.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

They get transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and that breaking up was a way to protect her.

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — ONE NIGHT LATER

Setup 4-1: Parisa asks Bahadur why he uses the name Persian Warrior. Badahur explains how Persian warriors used their environment, hide in the desert sands, etc.

(REVISED) INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip step into the darkness of a dome. Augmented reality starts as they step in THE OCTAGON. THE RULER’s vision: this place will be the Mecca of underground MMA. Fortunes will pour into the deadly tournaments. Parisa and friends will test drive this project. If they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play and win the final match.

(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Badahur asks the Ruler, what if we gave you the secret? The Ruler reacts: Secrets are a burden that YOU may soon want to get rid of. You will beg for me to take the burden off you. Now, let’s play.

(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip.

Setup 6-1: How do you say “help me” in French? Parisa teaches Bahadur: Aidez – moi

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Setup 5-1a: Parisa, Bahadur and Philip are thrown into a 3:3 bareknuckle team fight. The rules change on the spot, Bahadur is too weak. Philip ends up fighting the three men. He is defeated.

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Setup 5-1b: Rules change. Instead of making Parisa fight, she is now the prize for the three winners to hunt. The referee cuts Parisa’s t-shirt open with a knife, exposing her athletic figure in sports bra. Parisa snatches the knife and stabs the referee. She flies the tent. The three men split up to hunt her in the open desert.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

Payoff 2-4: She rips off her shirt and attaches the knife to produce a makeshift rope-dart.

Payoff 4-1: Parisa buries herself in the dune sand and ambushes her opponents one by one.

Payoff 2-5: Parisa fights her FIRST OPPONENT, a knife-thrower assassin with FOUR knives in his hand. Parisa only has ONE knife… attached to a rope, a makeshift rope-dart that she throws and retrieves several times using feet, elbows, and waist before her already injured opponent can even throw once.

Payoff 5-1a: After Parisa takes down her first opponent, she rips off his clothes. She makes stripes to tie and gag him up.

Payoff 2-6: Parisa claims the knives of the assassin and produces a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs.

Payoff 5-1b: She uses the rest of the stripes to produce a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs attaching the knife-thrower’s knives to her ankles.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

Payoff 4-2: Parisa advances with quick steps forward, each punting sand towards her SECOND OPPONENT.

Payoff 3-3: Parisa takes down her second opponent using Capoeira style knives attached to her ankles.

Payoff 5-2: She rips off the clothes of her defeated second opponent. She ties him up and uses the rest of the stripes to attach the claimed knives to her wrists.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

Once again, Parisa buries herself in the dune sand to ambush her THIRD OPPONENT, the strongest and most vicious out of the three men. He wears a long, thick braid wrapped around his neck when fighting. The assassin pulls Parisa out of the sand, taking her by surprise.

Payoff 4-3: Parisa recovers herself and advances with quick steps and back kick turns punting and lifting sand, confusing the third opponent.

Payoff 3-4: Parisa takes down her third opponent. She cuts the braid with her spurs, leaving just a scratch on the skin above the jugular vein.

Payoff 5-3: She rips off the clothes of her third opponent, except for a shirt.

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – LATER

Payoff 5-4: Parisa enters the tent with her chin up. She wears the shirt of her third defeated opponent as a trophy.

7. Crisis

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa keeps training under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her. Philip admits that he wants to have her before Ruthless rips her into pieces. His words enrage Parisa. She fights back and breaks his knee.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4a: Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament and gets the upper hand. The rules change on the spot: Parisa must kill her opponent.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4b: The Man in a Tunic points a gun at her fiancé. Philip does not intervene.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4c: Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Ruthless, but the gun was empty. They were played on.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4d: Parisa accidentally kills Ruthless. Parisa whispers: What? It was an accident, uh, bitch?

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out. The plan works.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device. She furtively passes it to Philip. The guard notices his cellphone is gone, points his gun at the fiancé, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead. 


8. Climax

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted.

(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. The antidote is meaningless without her. Despair.

(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT

Hope. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. No reaction.

Payoff 6-1: Badahur yells: Aidez – moi! French paramedics finally notice him. Take them away. The antidote is left behind right where Parisa collapsed.

(REVISED) INT. AIR AMBULANCE — SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY

Payoff 1-4: Parisa POV — A BLUR. “How bad is it?” Same conversation she had with Sandy back then. The blur seems to say thank you. “I must go back? Where?” Air ambulance crew commotion. “She’s back”, a voice says. Now Badahur realizes there’s hope, but he left the antidote behind.

(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

THE ANTIDOTE left behind at the extraction point. Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot. JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Pass #8: Clichè Busting!

What I learned doing this assignment is…

That I need to review some of the skills learned from previous courses. The Great Endings and Maximum Entertainment could count as samples of big help.

ASSIGNMENT

1. Identify any scenes that you’ve seen in another movie or that feel familiar.

2. Make a list of those scenes with titles

3. Then list the purpose.

4. Brainstorm 5 to 25 other ways to accomplish that purpose.

CHOSEN SCENE 1: Meet The Ruler

Parisa, Badahur and Philip are informed that to win the poison’s antidote and their freedom, they must win the tournament final match.

PURPOSE: Introduce the rules, the new environment they just entered, and what is at stake.

IDEA 1: They step into the darkness of a dome. Spotlights turn on: THE OCTAGON. Augmented reality starts as they step in the cage. THE RULER presents his vision: a modern Roman coliseum. LIONS fast approach. The cage walls get lifted up! THE LIONS… fade away. A new AR illusion replaces them. Rules will change, too. But if they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play — they must win the final match.

IDEA 2: They step into the darkness of the night. A buzz escalates until it turns into a crowd approaching. A massive crowd performs HAKA. The octagon descends from nowhere on top of them. The voice of THE RULER rings everywhere. Nothing stays true. Rules will change, as well. But if they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play — they must win the final match.

IDEA 3: They step into the darkness of the night. The voice of THE RULER rings everywhere. This will be the Mecca of underground MMA. Fortunes will pour into tournaments with deadly fights. They will test this all. A prototype tournament. Nothing stays true. Rules will change, as well. But if they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play — they must win the final match.

IDEA 4: Badahur asks the Ruler, what if we give you exactly what you want and we forget all this? The Ruler replies. Do I want anything from you? A secrets is like a heavy load, a burden that YOU may soon want to get rid of. You may beg for me to take the burden out from you, but no otherwise. Now, let’s play. Shall we? Rules will change, but if you want the antidote and your freedom, you must play — you must win the final match.

CHOSEN SCENE 2: Help a lifeless woman

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms.

PURPOSE: To create tension about their escape. Like the fights where it’s not over until it’s over.

IDEA 1: Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. The antidote is meaningless without her. French paramedics notice him. Take them away. Gone. The antidote is left behind right where Parisa collapsed.

IDEA 2: Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. Parisa POV — a blur. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks, like every night after being beaten in the underground octagon. This is the same conversation she had with Sandy back then. The blur seems to look at her and say thank you. “For what? I must go back? Where?” Like the AR, the image changes. Commotion. “She’s back”, a voice says. Now Badahur realizes, he left the antidote behind.

5. Use the three criteria to make your selection.

I guess I still have to develop more ideas, but I think some of the points developed may already count as improvements. I could even combine some of the newly brainstormed ideas.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Pass 7: Setup/Payoff Chains

What I learned doing this is…

I found one more parallel with the conceptual work in education. Today, I worked in relationships: cause-consequence, before-after, and learned that challenging the format in non-linear form is OK.

——————–

1. List ALL of the setup/payoff chains (SP Chains) from your story — One or two sentences per setup/payoff.

SP CHAIN 1: Parisa takes a stride from fearful cheerleader to fighter and then to… avenger

Setup 1-1: Parisa bumps into Sandy, an old schoolmate who takes care of her after she is badly beaten every night.

Setup 1-2: Parisa bumps into Ruthless, a brawny female fighter. She threatens Parisa to death if she ever crosses her path in the octagon.

Payoff 1-1: Sandy witness how Parisa improves and her first winning by decision. She wants to be a fighter, too. Parisa warns Sandy that because of her lack of training in MA, she could get hurt.

Payoff 1-2: During “open fight night”, Sandy gets in the cage to fight Ruthless. Parisa tries to stop the fight but it’s useless. Ruthless kills Sandy in front of Parisa’s eyes. Parisa is devastated. A ringmaster argues: “What? It was an accident, uh?”

Payoff 1-3: The Ruler sets Parisa on a fight to death with Ruthless. Although reluctant to kill, Parisa ends up accidentally killing Ruthless. Parisa whispers: “What? It was an accident, uh, bitch?”

SP CHAIN 2: Parisa discovers the rope dart of Master Wang

Setup 2-1: Parisa observes Shuaijiao Master Wang using the rope-dart

Payoff 2-1: Parisa awkwardly manipulates the rope-dart.

Payoff 2-2: After several attempts throwing the dart and missing the target…

Payoff 2-3: Parisa finally lands the dart on the bullseye.

Payoff 2-4: In the desert, Parisa snatches the knife from the referee. As she flies the tent, she rips off her shirt and attaches the knife to produce a makeshift rope-dart.

Payoff 2-5: In the desert, Parisa fights a knife-thrower assassin with FOUR knives in his hand. Parisa only has ONE knife… attached to a rope, a makeshift rope-dart that she throws and retrieves several times using feet, elbows, and waist before her already injured opponent can even throw once.

Payoff 2-6: Parisa claims the knives of the assassin and produces a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs.

SP CHAIN 3: Parisa discovers Capoeira spurs

Setup 3-1: Parisa discovers a type of spurs (knives) in Maestre Oliveira collection.

Payoff 3-1: Maestre Oliveira’s disciple shows the spurs cutting a dummy´s middle section, legs, and neck.

Payoff 3-2: Parisa performs a butterfly shuanzi wearing spurs. She cuts a dummy’s neck

Payoff 3-3: In the desert, Parisa takes down her second opponent using Capoeira style knives attached to her ankles.

Payoff 3-4: In the desert, Parisa, wearing Capoeira style knives attached to her ankles and wrists, takes down her third opponent. He is the strongest and most vicious out of the three men. He wears a long, thick braid wrapped around his neck when fighting. Parisa cuts the braid with her spurs, leaving just a scratch on the skin above the jugular vein.

SP CHAIN 4: Parisa discovers the lost martial art of the Persian warriors

Setup 4-1: Parisa asks her fiancé why he uses the name Persian Warrior. Badahur explains the tradition behind it and how Persian warriors used their environment, hide in the desert sands, etc.

Payoff 4-1: In the desert, Parisa buries herself in the dune sand and ambushes her opponents.

Payoff 4-2: In the desert, Parisa advances with quick steps forward, each punting sand towards her second opponent.

Payoff 4-3: In the desert, Parisa advances with quick steps and back kick turns punting and lifting sand, confusing her third opponent.

SP CHAIN 5: Humiliation payback

Setup 5-1: In the desert, guards organize a 3:3 team fight. When Parisa’a team is defeated, the referee makes Parisa the prize for the three winners to hunt. He cuts Parisa’s t-shirt open with a knife, exposing her athletic figure in sports bra.

Payoff 5-1: Parisa takes down her first opponent. She rips off his clothes and makes stripes to tie and gag him up. She uses the rest of the stripes to produce a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs with the knife-thrower’s knives.

Payoff 5-2: She rips off the clothes of her defeated second opponent. She ties him up and uses the rest of the stripes to attach the claimed knives to her wrists.

Payoff 5-3: She rips off the clothes of her defeated third opponent, except for a shirt.

Payoff 5-4: Parisa returns to the tent. She shows up at the entrance with her chin up. She wears the shirt of her third defeated opponent as a trophy.

2. Select a setup/payoff chain you want to make stronger.

How can you make the setup more interesting or effective?

SP CHAIN 1: to add more tension, the mind game should become apparent: Ruthless was pretending being injured, Parisa did to have the upper hand, the gun pointed at Badahur was empty

SP CHAIN 2: use the elevating killer action strategies, apparent disadvantage (1 knife against 4 knives), and the novelty of the rope-dart, which few have seen in full action in the west.

SP CHAIN 3: creating anticipation with the practice sessions and applications on the dummy.

SP CHAIN 4: using elevating killer action strategy: the novelty of Chuojiao Chinese Northern Kick moves to throw sand at the opponents.

How can you make the payoffs more emotional or meaningful?

SP CHAIN 1: Sandy’s accident, Ruthless death threat, and the empty gunpoint at Bahadur adds to the emotional meaning of the fight with Ruthless, the reversals of the scene brings tension and fear — plus the accidental killing is something that even Parisa wished for but didn’t want to do, yet, accidents happen.

SP CHAINS 2, 3: Put Parisa at disadvantage, then have her accomplish apparent victories to be followed by reversals. For example, the third opponent will suddenly pull Parisa out from her hideout, leaving her vulnerable, without the possibility to ambush him like she did with the other two.

SP CHAIN 4 helps elevating the complexity of the dynamic triangle as the fiancé turns into a mentor, but weakened by the potion, he passes his knowledge to our hero, his mentee/fiancée Parisa who progressively becomes a vulnerable defender, yet, his only hope.

3. Tell us what difference this has made for your outline and if it hasn’t, find another setup/payoff chain to improve.

I started off with SP chain 1 in place, or sort of in place, but I ended up with a total of 5 SP chains. I suspect that there will be more if I explore into the Philip-Parisa relationship, defining more layers of complexity in the dynamic triangle.

4. Post your current outline with the improved setup/payoff chain(s) in it.

LOGLINE: A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

1. Opening

INT. GYM — NIGHT

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. GYM — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain introduces her to the underground MMA ringmasters. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

It’s Parisa’s debut night. Once again, she gets badly beaten.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Setup 1-1: Parisa bumps into Sandy, an old schoolmate. She now works as a janitor in the underground cage and helps female fighters. Sandy takes care of Parisa after she is badly beaten every night.

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance.

INT. COLLAGE 1: DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa refuses at first, but after her uncle’s insistence she enrolls. She shows how charming she is in salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

INT. COLLAGE 2: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.

INT. COLLAGE 3: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

The masters build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles, and more.

INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS CAPOEIRA INSTRUMENTS — DAY

Setup 3-1: Parisa discovers a type of spurs (knives) in Maestre Oliveira collection.

Payoff 3-1: Maestre Oliveira’s disciple shows the spurs cutting a dummy´s middle section, legs, and neck.

Payoff 3-2: Parisa performs a butterfly shuanzi wearing spurs. She cuts a dummy’s neck

INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS: ROPE DART — DAY

Setup 2-1: Parisa observes Shuaijiao Master Wang using the rope-dart

Payoff 2-1: Parisa awkwardly manipulates the rope-dart.

Payoff 2-2: After several attempts throwing the dart and missing the target…

Payoff 2-3: Parisa finally lands the dart on the bullseye.

INT. COLLAGE 5: UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s performance improve from being punched, spitting the mouthpiece, and tapping the opponent… to kicking the opponent’s butt, getting her arm raised by the referee, winning by decision.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Payoff 1-1: Sandy celebrates with Parisa her first winning by decision. Sandy wants to be a fighter, too. Parisa warns Sandy that because of her lack of training in MA, she could get hurt.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Setup 1-2: As Parisa searches for her fiancé, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, She threatens Parisa to death if she ever mess around with her or crosses her path in the octagon.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Payoff 1-2: During “open fight night”, Sandy gets her way into the cage with Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Sandy is easy prey. Ruthless kills Sandy. Parisa watches the whole action. Parisa cries outside the cage. A ringmaster looks at Parisa’s reaction and asks: What? It was an accident, uh?

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

Parisa follows them. They get ambushed and imprisoned.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

They get transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and that breaking up was a way to protect her.

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — ONE NIGHT LATER

Setup 4-1: Parisa asks her fiancé why he uses the name Persian Warrior. Badahur explains how Persian warriors used their environment, hide in the desert sands, etc.

EXT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip meet THE RULER, leader of the criminal organization that uses the underground MMA fights as a screen. To win the poison’s antidote, they must win the final match.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip.

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Setup 5-1a: Parisa, Bahadur and Philip are thrown into a 3:3 bareknuckle team fight. The rules change on the spot, Bahadur is too weak. Philip ends up fighting the three men. He is defeated.

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Setup 5-1b: Rules change. Instead of making Parisa fight, she is now the prize for the three winners to hunt. The referee cuts Parisa’s t-shirt open with a knife, exposing her athletic figure in sports bra. Parisa snatches the knife and stabs the referee. She flies the tent. The men split up to hunt her in the open desert.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

Payoff 2-4: She rips off her shirt and attaches the knife to produce a makeshift rope-dart.

Payoff 4-1: Parisa buries herself in the dune sand and ambushes her opponents.

Payoff 2-5: Parisa fights a knife-thrower assassin with FOUR knives in his hand. Parisa only has ONE knife… attached to a rope, a makeshift rope-dart that she throws and retrieves several times using feet, elbows, and waist before her already injured opponent can even throw once.

Payoff 5-1a: After Parisa takes down her first opponent, she rips off his clothes. She makes stripes to tie and gag him up.

Payoff 2-6: Parisa claims the knives of the assassin and produces a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs.

Payoff 5-1b: She uses the rest of the stripes to produce a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs attaching the knife-thrower’s knives to her ankles.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

Payoff 4-2: In the desert, Parisa advances with quick steps forward, each punting sand towards her second opponent.

Payoff 3-3: Parisa takes down her second opponent using Capoeira style knives attached to her ankles.

Payoff 5-2: She rips off the clothes of her defeated second opponent. She ties him up and uses the rest of the stripes to attach the claimed knives to her wrists.

EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER

Once again, Parisa buries herself in the dune sand to ambush her third opponent, the strongest and most vicious out of the three men. He wears a long, thick braid wrapped around his neck when fighting.

The assassin pulls Parisa out of the sand, taking her by surprise.

Payoff 4-3: Parisa recovers herself and advances with quick steps and back kick turns punting and lifting sand, confusing her third opponent.

Payoff 3-4: Parisa, wearing Capoeira style knives attached to her ankles and wrists, takes down her third opponent. Parisa cuts the braid with her spurs, leaving just a scratch on the skin above the jugular vein.

Payoff 5-3: She rips off the clothes of her third defeated opponent, except for a shirt.

INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – LATER

Payoff 5-4: Parisa shows up at the entrance of the tent. Chin up, she wears the shirt of her third defeated opponent as a trophy.

7. Crisis

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa keeps training under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her. Philip admits that he wants to have her before Ruthless rips her into pieces. His words enrage Parisa. She fights back and breaks his knee.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4a: Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament and gets the upper hand. The rules change on the spot: Parisa must kill her opponent.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4b: The Man in a Tunic points a gun at her fiancé. Philip does not intervene.

EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4c: Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Ruthless, but the gun was empty. They were played on.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Payoff 1-4d: Parisa accidentally kills Ruthless. Parisa whispers: What? It was an accident, uh, bitch?

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out. The plan works.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device and furtively passes it to Philip. The guard notices his cellphone is gone, points his gun at the fiancé, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead. 


8. Climax

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Pass #6: Subplots with Meaning

What I’ve learned:

I finally got the idea. Now I finally understood what subplots are. This makes a total a-ha moment.

1. Identify the subplots that have naturally emerged in your story and tell us the beginning, middle, and end of each, like I did above with the English Bob subplot.

A. How can I show the conflict between Parisa and Ruthless in an elevated emotional way?

B. How can I increase the anticipation and worry for the fight between Parisa and Ruthless?

C. How can I introduce the world (the rules, the characters, and the conflict) that Parisa is about to walk into?

D. How can I set up a reason (other than rescuing her fiancé) that Parisa would fight Ruthless to death?

BEGINNING: After the first night getting beaten in the cage, Parisa meets Sandy. She helps her sooth injuries.

MIDDLE: Sandy wants to be an underground MMA fighter but has never studied martial arts.

END: Sandy somehow gets her way into the cage with Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Sandy is easy prey. Ruthless kills Sandy. Parisa watches the whole action. She cries outside the cage.

2. Pick one subplot (or more) you’d like to improve and answer the question, “How can I make this more meaningful or emotional for my lead character?”

Perhaps Sandy could be an old acquaintance, schoolmate, etc., of Parisa.

3. Rewrite the beats of that subplot to add in the new emotion or meaning.

BEGINNING: After the first night getting beaten in the cage, Parisa bumps into Sandy, an old school mate. Sandy works as a facility janitor, and helps female fighters. She pep talks with Parisa and soothes her injuries.

MIDDLE: Sandy confesses to Parisa that she wants to be an underground MMA fighter, but has never studied martial arts. Parisa discourages her to do so — she could get hurt.

END: Sandy somehow gets her way into the cage with Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Sandy is easy prey. Ruthless kills Sandy. Parisa watches the whole action. She cries outside the cage. A ringmaster looks at Parisa’s emotional reaction and asks: What? It was an accident, uh? (SETUP 02)

4. Add the improvements to your outline.

1. Opening

INT. GYM — NIGHT

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. GYM — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain introduces her to the underground MMA ringmasters. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

[NEW] INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

It’s Parisa’s debut night. Once again, she gets badly beaten.

[NEW] INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Parisa bumps into SANDY, a familiar face back from her school years. She now works as a janitor in the underground cage and helps female fighters. She pep talks with Parisa and soothes her injuries.

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance.

INT. COLLAGE: DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa refuses at first, but after her uncle’s insistence she enrolls. She shows how charming she is in salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

INT. COLLAGE: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira. The masters build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles, and more.

INT. COLLAGE: UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s performance improve from being punched, spitting the mouthpiece, and tapping the opponent… to kicking the opponent’s butt, getting her arm raised by the referee, winning by decision.

[NEW] INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS

Sandy confesses to Parisa that she wants to be an underground MMA fighter, but has never studied martial arts. Parisa discourages her to do so — she could get hurt.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

As Parisa searches for her fiancé, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, who warns her not to ever mess around with her.

[NEW] INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Sandy somehow gets her way into the cage with Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Sandy is easy prey. Ruthless kills Sandy. Parisa watches the whole action. She cries outside the cage. A ringmaster looks at Parisa’s reaction and asks: What? It was an accident, uh? (SETUP 01)

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

Parisa follows them. They get ambushed and imprisoned.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

They get transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and that breaking up was a way to protect her.

EXT. DESSERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip meet THE RULER, leader of the criminal organization that uses the underground MMA fights as a screen. To win the poison’s antidote, they must win the final match.

INT. DESSERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip are thrown into a 3:3 bareknuckle team fight. The rules change on the spot, Bahadur is too weak. Philip ends up fighting the three men. He is defeated.

[REVISED] INT. DESSERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Rules keep changing. Instead of making Parisa fight, she is now the prize for the three winners. The referee cuts Parisa’s shirt open with a knife. Parisa snatches the knife and stabs the referee. She flies the tent. The men split up to hunt her.

[REVISED] EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

Parisa rips her shirt off and produces a makeshift rope-dart. She buries herself in the dune sand. One by one, she takes the men down. [ESCALATING ACTION] Each victory provides her with more knives to attach — traditional Capoeira style — like spurs to ankles and then to her wrists as well. Parisa does not kill, just maims the three guards and returns to the tent wearing one of their shirts. (SETUP 02)

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

7. Crisis

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her. Philip admits that he wants to have her before Ruthless rips her into pieces. His words enrage Parisa. She fights back and breaks his knee.

[REVISED] EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament and gets the upper hand. The rules change on the spot: Parisa must kill her opponent (PAYOFF 02)— a gun is pointed at her fiancé. Philip does not intervene. Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Ruthless, but the gun was empty. They were played on. Parisa accidentally kills Ruthless. [NEW] Parisa whispers: What? It was an accident, uh, bitch? (PAYOFF 01)

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit. The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The plan works. Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device and furtively passes it to Philip. The guard notices his cellphone is gone, points his gun at the fiancé, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead. 


8. Climax

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Pass #5: Action / Reaction

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…

When developing a concept, one should not be afraid of just having a basic framework in the beginning. Following this process, new elements keep coming regardless of being inspired or not. One just gets to know the characters better and then, it’s like if they were telling me what they want to do in the story.

1. Tell us the following:

– Concept:

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

– Protagonist Goal:

To develop fighting skills, to win the poison’s antidote, and get her fiancé back

– Protagonist Character Arc:

Parisa changes from a fearful woman and goes into someone who not only builds strengths from her weakness, she is also able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

– Main Conflict:

The Ruler is determined to steal the secret, he has imprisoned and poisoned Parisa’s fiancé, now he is playing mind games to subdue their will and torture their spirit.

2. Create the Action/Reaction Events chart for your story.

and list it.

Protagonist: Fights every night in the underground octagon

Antagonist: Arranges opponents to beat her up

Protagonist: Searches the facility for her fiancé

Antagonist: Bumps into a scary brawny fighter’s threat (SETUP 01)

Protagonist: Follows Philip when he rescues her fiancé

Antagonist: Follows her and ambushes them all

Protagonist: Gets thrown into a weird 3:3 bareknuckle team street-fight. Philip ends up fighting the three men — loses

Antagonist: Ruler changes rules on spot; instead of making Parisa fight, he makes Parisa the prize

Protagonist: Parisa runs, hides then, fights the men one by one; doesn’t kill, just maims

Antagonist: Ruler makes Parisa fight to death with Ruthless (PAYOFF 01)

=============

Protagonist: Parisa rejects Philip’s advances.

Antagonist: Philip reduces her fiancé’s medicine so he dies and Philip can have Parisa

Protagonist: Parisa gets lured to train alone with Philip the night before the tournament starts

Antagonist: Philip says he wants to have Parisa before Ruthless rips her into pieces. Philip wants to rape her.

Protagonist: Parisa gets enraged, fights back and breaks Philip’s knee

Antagonist: When the rules change and a gun is pointed at Parisa’s fiancé, Philip does not interfere at all

Protagonist: Parisa snatches the phone that they stole from a guard; furtively gives it to Philip

Antagonist: Unwillingly, Philip takes the device, conceals himself and texts a message

Protagonist: Parisa watches the guard’s gun pointing at her and her fiancé demanding his phone to be returned; her eyes give away the spot where Philip is.

Antagonist: The guard discovers Philip, the stolen phone is in his hands; he is texting! The guard shoots Philip dead.

3. Make a list of the emotional moments the Protagonist will go

through that will cause him or her to face the change they need

to make.

• Parisa’s fears grows every night she gets beaten in the cage fights 


• Parisa’s confidence builds up as she develops fighting skills 


• Parisa bumps into Ruthless, gets a death threat from the vicious fighter 


• Parisa finds that the tournament will open with her fighting Ruthless 


• Philip wants to rape Parisa “before Ruthless rips her into pieces” 


• Parisa, enraged by Philip’s words, fights back, breaks his knee. 


• Parisa fights Ruthless; gets upper hand, rules change, Parisa must kill her 


• Parisa lets her guard down. Ruthless recovers and attacks her 


• Parisa’s mindlessly reacts and accidentally kills Ruthless 


• Parisa gets to the final fight Vs. “the Ruler’s Favorite” — a fight to death 


4. Place the actions you like from #2 and emotional moments

from #3 in your current outline — and list the outline.

1. Opening

INT. GYM — NIGHT

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. GYM — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain introduces her to the underground MMA ringmasters. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance.

INT. COLLAGE: DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa refuses at first, but after her uncle’s insistence she enrolls. She shows how charming she is in salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

INT. COLLAGE: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira. The masters build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles, and more.

INT. COLLAGE: UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s performance improve from being punched, spitting the mouthpiece, and tapping the opponent… to kicking the opponent’s butt, getting her arm raised by the referee, winning by decision.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

As Parisa searches for her fiancé, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, who warns her not to ever mess around with her.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

Parisa follows them. They get ambushed and imprisoned.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

They get transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and that breaking up was a way to protect her.

EXT. DESSERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip meet THE RULER, leader of the criminal organization that uses the underground MMA fights as a screen. To win the poison’s antidote, they must win the final match.

[NEW] INT. DESSERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip are thrown into a 3:3 bareknuckle team fight. The rules change on the spot, Bahadur is too weak. Philip ends up fighting the three men. He is defeated.

[NEW] INT. DESSERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT

Rules keep changing. Instead of making Parisa fight, she is now the prize for the three winners. The referee cuts Parisa’s shirt open with a knife. Parisa snatches the knife and stabs the referee. She runs away into the desert.

[NEW] EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT

The men split up to hunt her. Parisa rips her shirt off and — traditional Capoeira style — attaches the knife to her ankle. She buries herself in the dune sand. One by one, she takes the men down. Each time, she gets more knives to attach to her wrists and ankles. Parisa just maims the three guards and returns to the tent wearing one of their shirts.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

7. Crisis

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her. [NEW] Philip admits that he wants to have her before Ruthless rips her into pieces. His words enrage Parisa. She fights back and breaks his knee.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament and gets the upper hand. The rules change on the spot: Parisa must kill her opponent — a gun is pointed at her fiancé. [NEW] Philip does not intervene. Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Ruthless, but the gun was empty. They were played on. Still, Parisa accidentally kills Ruthless.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit. The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The plan works. Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device and [REVISED] furtively passes it to Philip. The guard notices his cellphone is gone, points his gun at the fiancé, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead. 


8. Climax

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ Pass #4 NQ 3 and 4

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…

I think I better understand what the dilemma and theme are al about.

Apply Necessary Questions 3 and 4 to your outline.

1. Tell us your concept.

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

2. Tell us your Emotional Dilemma and the answers to these questions:

To rescue her fiancé, Parisa must choose to either:

• Courage: Do what frightens her and fight opponents who can easily kill her in the cage, or


• Fear: Accept that even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely and accept to die in the hands of criminals. 


A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?

Parisa gets introduced to the underground MMA ringmasters, gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten (FEAR), but they still sign her in. Then, she wonders how long will it take for her to develop fighting skills. (COURAGE)

B. How are both sides of the issue built up?

· Courage: Chinese Shuaijiao and Brazilian Capoeira masters use Parisa’s cheerleader foundation to develop her fighting skills through dancing. 


· Fear: As Parisa searches the underground MMA facility, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, who warns her not to ever mess around with her… but that day comes at the start of the tournament. 


· Courage: The night before fighting Ruthless in the tournament, Philip tries to rape her, so she fights back and breaks his knee. 


· Fear: The game rules change on the spot. The Ruler orders Parisa to kill her opponent. 


· Courage: Parisa, her fiancé and Philip plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out. The plan works, but when her fiancé hides the phone, she snatches it and throws it to Philip. The guard notices his cellphone is gone, points his gun at the fiancé, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him three times. Nobody knows if the message went out. 


· Fear: As Philip is dead and Bahadur is too weak to fight, Parisa must fight the “Ruler’s Favorite” to win the poison’s antidote. 


C. When does the protagonist make the choice?

When she decides to go in a David-Goliath match and fight the “Ruler’s Favorite”, a massive fighter far much stronger than her in the tournament’s final.

D. What do they lose in making that choice?

She wins the fight, gets the poison’s antidote, but gets badly hurt and dies.

3. Tell us your Theme and the answers to these questions:

To escape you must stop running

A. What are both sides of your theme?

To escape you must build your strengths so you can do what frightens you

To escape you must avoid trouble, or else, trouble will get you

B. How will both sides show up throughout your story?

· Avoid trouble: From the start, Parisa just wants to help her fiancé break free and run. 


· Avoid trouble: At the start, Parisa considers dancing a waste of time. Taking dance lessons brings her a sense of avoidance and guilt. 


· Avoid trouble: Later, she understands how dancing helps developing fighting skills, so she can save some pain, endure the nightly beating in the cage, and search for her fiancé in the facility. 


· To escape: once in the desert, she builds up her technique under the expert coaching of her fiancé and Philip. 


· To avoid: Philip often flirts and tries to seduce Parisa. She avoids him, but that does not solve the problem. 


· To escape: when Philip finally tries to rape Parisa, she fights back and breaks his knee. She then finds out that Philip had reduced her fiancé’s medicine to get rid of him and get her. 


· To escape: in the tournament first match, Parisa fights Ruthless, gets the upper hand, and ends up accidentally killing her. 


C. How does the climax of the story demand your message?

To win the antidote, Parisa fearlessly fights the “Ruler’s Favorite” in the tournament’s final match. She defeats the opponent.

4. Fill in the events you’ve discovered during this process. List out your outline as you did in Day 7, with slug lines and the essence for each scene.

1. Opening

INT. GYM — NIGHT

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. GYM — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain introduces her to the underground MMA ringmasters. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

[REVISED] INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance.

[REVISED] INT. COLLAGE: DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa refuses at first, but after her uncle’s insistence she enrolls. She shows how charming she is in salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.

[REVISED] INT. COLLAGE: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira. The masters build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles, and more.

[REVISED] INT. COLLAGE: UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s performance improve from being punched, spitting the mouthpiece, and tapping the opponent… to kicking the opponent’s butt, getting her arm raised by the referee, winning by decision.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

As Parisa searches for her fiancé, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, who warns her not to ever mess around with her.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

Parisa follows them. They get ambushed and imprisoned.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

They get transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and that breaking up was a way to protect her.

EXT. DESSERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip meet THE RULER, leader of the criminal organization that uses the underground MMA fights as a screen. To win the poison’s antidote, they must win the final match.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

7. Crisis

[REVISED] EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

[REVISED] EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT

Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her, but she fights back and breaks his knee.

[REVISED] EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament and gets the upper hand. The rules change on the spot: Parisa must kill her opponent — a gun is pointed at her fiancé. Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Ruthless, but the gun was empty. They were played on. Still, Parisa accidentally kills Ruthless.

[REVISED] EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit. The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out.

[REVISED] EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

The plan works. Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device and throws it to Philip. The guard notices his cellphone is gone, points his gun at the fiancé, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead. 


8. Climax

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’s 3rd Pass — NQ 1 and 2.

What I’ve learned:

That thanks to peers feedback the entertainment value of the narrative keeps improving. It is important to be succinct so it is easy to spot the weak points and find how the structure offers opportunities to improve.

ASSIGNMENT

——————–

Apply the first two questions to your outline.

1. Tell us your concept.

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

2. Tell us your Dramatic Question and the answers to these questions:

Can Parisa become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

A. Where does the Dramatic Question first get established and how?

After her fiancé gets abducted, Parisa’s steps in the underground MMA cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten.

B. How is the Dramatic Question increased in intensity?

Every night in the underground octagon fights, Parisa gets punched, spits the mouthpiece out, bites the canvas, and concedes to her opponents.

One night, while searching for her fiancé, Parisa bumps into RUTHLESS a brawny fighter that she may have to meet in the octagon. Parisa fears that day… and that day comes in the opening of the tournament.

C. Where does the Dramatic Question finally get answered?

Parisa fights in the octagon with the Ruler’s favorite, Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt.

3. Tell us your Main Conflict and the answers to these questions:

The Ruler is determined to steal the secret, he has imprisoned and poisoned Parisa’s fiancé, now he is playing games to subdue their will and torture their spirit.

A. When does the Main Conflict first show up?

Opening: In an underground MMA octagon cage, Parisa’s fiancé BAHADUR faces a massive, muscle-packed fighter. He looks disoriented. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison. Later, a TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain informs: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

B. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story?

• No long after Philip rescues Badahur from the MMA facility, they get ambushed.
• They are imprisoned somewhere in the middle of the desert.
• They need to win the final match of the tournament to get the poison’s antidote.
• Philip gets killed. Badahur gets weaker and weaker due to the poison. Their only hope is Parisa, who is just a fearful cheerleader, not a real MMA fighter.
• The Ruler changes the tournament rules without notice.
• When Parisa is close to win the match, the Ruler changes the rules: he demands Parisa to kill the opponent.
• When Parisa refuses to kill, a gun points at her fiancé, forcing Parisa to choose. Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Parisa’s opponent— just to find that the gun was empty. They were played on.
• Parisa and her fiancé know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely. The future is unpredictable. There is no escape.

C. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3rd Act?

Parisa fights an opponent who is much stronger than her… and wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her. She dies.

D. How is the Main Conflict resolved?

Before getting killed, Philip managed to send a message out, but nobody knew if it went through for sure until now. DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms.

4. Fill in the events you’ve discovered during this process. List out your outline as you did in Day 7.

1. Opening

INT. GYM — NIGHT

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s fiancé BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. GYM — NIGHT

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain introduces her to the underground MMA ringmasters. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance. Skeptical, she first refuses, but then…

INT. COLLAGE: DANCE LESSONS — DAY

Parisa takes dance lessons with coaches who, unbeknownst to her, are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.

INT. COLLAGE: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY

The masters build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination and sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive power muscles, and more.

INT. COLLAGE: UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE

Parisa’s performance improves from being punched, spitting the mouthpiece, and tapping the opponent; to… kicking the opponent’s butt, getting her arm raised by the referee, winning by decision.

5. Mid-Point

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

As Parisa searches for her fiancé, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, who warns her not to ever mess around with her.

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT

Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity.

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET

Parisa follows them. They get ambushed and imprisoned.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT

They get transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and that breaking up was a way to protect her.

EXT. DESSERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY

Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip meet THE RULER, leader of the criminal organization that uses the underground MMA fights as a screen. To win the poison’s antidote, they must win the final match.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.

7. Crisis

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT

Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament. Parisa gets the upper hand, but the Ruler changes the rules, demanding Parisa to kill her opponent. When she refuses to kill, a gun points at her fiancé. Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Parisa’s opponent— just to find that the gun was empty. They were played on.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit. The three plan to steal a cellphone and send a message out. The plan works, but when Philip is about to press the “SEND” button, a bullet kills him.

8. Climax

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the Ruler’s favorite, Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.

EXT. DESSERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY

A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms.

9. Resolution

INT. GYM — DAY

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ SLW Version 4

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

[REVISED] A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter who was abducted and nerve-agent-poisoned to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

B. Plot Choice:

Plot choice – Discovery:

This plot is about having to reconcile the character’s past versus the new present. The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter.

The character searches to understand something fundamental about herself. “You were, you are, you will be” is how the story is delivered. At the start of this journey, act one, YOU WERE a fearful cheerleader. Later, act two, YOU ARE one who learns to turn weaknesses into strengths, using the fitness attributes of a cheerleader (coordination, flexibility, awareness of space and time, agility, fast-twitch explosive power muscles, and acro-gymnastic ability) to quickly build up martial arts skills, using dance to facilitate the transfer. Last, heading into act three, YOU WILL BE a master of the cage by learning to use tactics and strategy from an experienced one — Parisa’s fiancé.

In the end, the hero emerges much wiser, but as it often happens, our hero will do so only just before dying.

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

• Parisa wants her fiancé back. She knows that Philip advised him to break up with her, but at the start, she does not know why he did so. Eventually, she finds that Philip is a deadly threat to her fiancé.


• [REVISED] Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but he needs her help. As the nerve agent makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well.


• [REVISED] Philip’s task is to the prevent Bahadur to give away the secret, even if he had to kill him to accomplish this — rescuing him is just another option. He considers Parisa an extra load, but he likes her looks.


• The three of them want to escape the Ruler’s predation.


D. Lead Characters

• PARISA, French background, is a cheerleader who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé. 

• [REVISED] BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound nerve agent. 

• PHILIP is a secret agent whose task is preventing Bahadur to give away the secret, even by killing him if so was needed. 

• THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret.


Note: the following characters are not leading roles, but I also include them here as this might help everyone understand the plot. The number of characters does not exceed the cast of similar movies, say, Mortal Kombat where one hero, two co-protagonists and their mentor fight against a sorcerer, his champion, an immortal princess, a mercenary and three warrior demons. A total of eleven characters. Another classic of this genre, Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon features ten characters as well.

• RUTHLESS a brawny female underground MMA prizefighter.

• SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter, named “The Ruler’s favorite”

• MAN IN A TUNIC is the Ruler’s right hand, the mastermind behind every plan. 

• SYLVAIN, French background, is Parisa’s uncle, an MMA manager who, unaware of the link with the criminals, he first introduces Bahadur to the underground MMA, and later he helps Parisa to get signed in as well. 


E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa overcome her fears, become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

F. Main Conflict:

In the world of martial arts, the main conflict is always within the hero. The lives of Parisa and her fiancé depend on her having the courage to do what frightens her. By conquering her fears, she will succeed in the deadly MMA tournament, win the antidote, and get her fiancé back.

G. Dilemma:

[REVISED] Parisa, Bahadur and Philip end up in the middle of the desert imprisoned by the Ruler. There is no escape. They need to win the final match of a deadly tournament to get the poison’s antidote. But Philip gets killed, and Bahadur gets weaker and weaker due to the nerve agent. Their only hope is Parisa, who is just a fearful cheerleader, not a real MMA fighter. What’s worse, they know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Parisa changes from a fearful woman and goes into someone who not only builds strengths from her weakness, she is also able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

2. Your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat

1. Opening

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach. Somewhere else in an underground MMA octagon cage, her fiancé BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. Poisoned.

2. Inciting Incident

A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

[REVISED] Parisa steps in the underground MMA cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten. Although defeated, the ring masters want her great looks on the show and sign her in. Now she can comb the underground MMA world in search for her fiancé.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

[REVISED] Sylvain persuades Parisa to try dance. She first refuses, but then she takes lessons with coaches who, unbeknownst to her, they are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira. They build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes.

5. Mid-Point

[REVISED] As Parisa searches for her fiancé in the MMA facility, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a female fighter, who warns her not to ever mess around with her. Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity. Parisa follows them, but they get ambushed.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

[REVISED] Prisoners of THE RULER, they go somewhere in the middle of the desert where a deadly tournament will take place. Parisa discovers all about the abduction, the poison, and that breaking up was a way to protect her. She must win the poison’e antidote in the tournament. She trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip flirts with Parisa. She rejects him.

7. Crisis

[REVISED] Philip figures out a plan to kill Bahadur and get Parisa. Parisa defeats Ruthless in the first match of the tournament — in spite of the Ruler’s on the spot rule changes. Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of their torment, so they plan to steal a cellphone and send a message out. The plan works, but when Philip is about to press “SEND”, a bullet kills him.

8. Climax

Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the Ruler’s favorite, Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her. Right then, a DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms.

9. Resolution

[REVISED] Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students: “Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. But then, one must conquer their own fears first. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ SLW Version 3

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter who was kidnapped and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he unwillingly keeps – now she must win the poison’s antidote in a deadly cage tournament.

B. Plot Choice:

Plot choice – Discovery:

This plot is about having to reconcile the character’s past versus the new present. The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter.

The character searches to understand something fundamental about herself. “You were, you are, you will be” is how the story is delivered. At the start of this journey, act one, YOU WERE a fearful cheerleader — but everyone may wonder, how can a fearful person give others courage? Later, act two, YOU ARE one who learns to turn weaknesses into strengths, using the fitness attributes of a cheerleader (coordination, flexibility, awareness of space and time, agility, fast-twitch explosive power muscles, and acro-gymnastic ability) to quickly build up martial arts skills, and using dance as a way to facilitate the transfer. Last, heading into act three, YOU WILL BE a master of the cage by learning to use tactics and strategy from an experienced one — Parisa’s fiancé.

In the end, the hero emerges much wiser, but as it often happens, our hero will do so only just before dying.

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

• Parisa wants her fiancé back. She knows that Philip advised him to break up with her, but at the start, she does not know why he did so. Eventually, she finds that Philip is a deadly threat to her fiancé.
• Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but he needs her help. As the poison makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well.
• Philip’s task is to the prevent Bahadur to give away the secret, even if he had to kill him to accomplish this — rescuing him is just another option. He considers Parisa an extra load, which is sometimes hard to bear.

The three of them want to escape the Ruler’s evil hunting.

D. Lead Characters

• PARISA, French background, is a cheerleader who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé — unaware that he is in the middle of a crime conspiracy, her involvement often makes things more dangerous and complicated.
• BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound substance as he unwillingly keeps the secret location of a weapon of mass destruction. He broke with Parisa to keep her out of danger, but she is his only hope as the clock is ticking.
• PHILIP is a secret agent whose task is preventing Bahadur to give away the secret, even by killing him if so was needed; rescuing him is just another option — but at the start, Parisa misjudges him, as he made her fiancé break up with her before the two men run away.
• THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret.

Note: the following characters are not leading roles, but I also include them here as this might help everyone understand the plot. The number of characters does not exceed the cast of similar movies, say, Mortal Kombat where one hero, two co-protagonists and their mentor fight against a sorcerer, his champion, an immortal princess, a mercenary and three warrior demons. A total of eleven characters. Another classic of this genre, Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon features ten characters as well.

• RUTHLESS a female underground MMA prizefighter, born to chew her opponents and known by her motto: “I can kill you twice”
• SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter, named “The Ruler’s favorite,” also known as the one who “floods the cage with rage”
• MAN IN A TUNIC is the Ruler’s right hand, the mastermind behind every criminal plan of the Ruler.
• SYLVAIN, French background, is Parisa’s uncle, an MMA manager who, unaware of the link with the criminals, he first introduces Bahadur to the underground MMA, and later he helps Parisa to get signed in as well.

E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa overcome her fears, become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?

F. Main Conflict:

In the world of martial arts, the main conflict is always within the hero. The lives of Parisa and her fiancé depend on her having the courage to do what frightens her. By conquering her fears, she will succeed in the deadly MMA tournament, win the antidote, and get her fiancé back.

G. Dilemma:

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip end up imprisoned by the Ruler. Badahur has been poisoned and the clock is ticking. They are in the middle of the desert. There is no escape. They must join a tournament and win two out of three fights to avoid being killed. They also need to win the final match to get the poison’s antidote as a prize. But Philip gets killed, and Bahadur gets weaker and weaker due to the poisoning. Their only hope is Parisa, who is just a fearful cheerleader, not a real MMA fighter. What’s worse, they know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Parisa changes from a fearful woman and goes into someone who not only builds strengths from her weakness, she is also able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

2. Your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat

<div>

1. Opening

</div>

PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach. Meantime, somewhere else in an underground MMA octagon cage, her fiancé BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur looks disoriented. There is a cut in his arm. Poison. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. MMA manager, SYLVAIN, demands the fight to be stopped. Nobody listens.

2. Inciting Incident

Parisa abruptly stops the treadmill. A TEXT PREVIEW displays on her cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

<div>

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

</div>

MMA manager, Sylvain, introduces his niece, Parisa, to a group of open-mouthed RING MASTERS who can’t stop looking at her with both, lust and disbelief. Parisa enters the octagon cage for an “audition.” After just a couple of minutes, she gets almost KO, eye-swollen, badly beaten. Sylvain and Parisa are ready to leave, but the ring masters cannot let a charming woman get away just like that. Parisa still gets signed in. She is an underground MMA prizefighter now.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop the skills of a real fighter. Sylvain persuades Parisa to try dance lessons, because “you fight the way you dance.” Skeptical, she first laughs and refuses to try, but then she takes salsa and samba with coaches who, unbeknownst to her — but not to Sylvain, they are masters of Shuaijiao (Chinese traditional wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira. They build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: coordination, flexibility, awareness of space and time, agility, fast-twitch muscles, and acro-gymnastic ability.

5. Mid-Point

Parisa looks for her fiancé everywhere in the underground MMA facility just to bump into RUTHLESS a brawny female fighter who warns Parisa not to mess around with her. Over the next couple of weeks, Parisa’s dance lessons produce results. Meanwhile, after several rescue attempts, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity. Parisa follows them, but they get ambushed. Now the three are prisoners of THE RULER, a criminal determined to extract Bahadur’s secret at any cost.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Parisa discovers that breaking up with Bahadur was a way to keep her safe. Philip, the man who run away with him, is a secret agent in charge of preventing Bahadur to give away the secret… killing Bahadur if so was needed, rescuing him is just another option. Badahur was poisoned with a time-bound substance. Philip administers him a drug to delay the effects of the poison. The clock is ticking. They are transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert where a deadly tournament will take place. They must win two out of three fights to avoid death and Parisa must fight in one of the rounds. To win the poison’s antidote, they must win the final match. Parisa starts training under Bahadur’s expert coaching.

7. Crisis

The match Parisa versus Ruthless inaugurates the tournament. Ruthless gets hurt and Parisa wins. Yet, the team don’t let their guard down and think on a new escape plan. “Perhaps… we should stop running,” Parisa proposes. Bahadur disagrees. They plan to steal a cellphone and send a message out. The plan works, but right when Philip is about to press “SEND”, a bullet kills him.

8. Climax

Philip is dead and Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa says: “It’s time to stop running” and takes Badahur’s place in the octagon with the Ruler’s favorite, Shahnaz. Against the odds, she wins the antidote. She emerges much wiser, but she is badly hurt. After she hands in the antidote to her fiancé, she collapses. It’s the end. Right then, a DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. DARKNESS.

9. Resolution

Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students: “Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ SLW Version 2
——————-

Post your Story Logic Web for feedback.

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept: (REVISED)

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter who was kidnapped and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he unwillingly keeps – now she must win the antidote in a cage tournament.

*MMA = Mixed Martial Arts

B. Plot Choice: (REVISED)

Plot choice – Discovery: This plot is about having to reconcile the character’s past versus the new present. The characters are searching to understand something fundamental about themselves. “You were, you are, you will be” is how the story is delivered. In the end, they emerge much wiser, but often, they do so only just before dying.

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

Three characters wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

D. Lead Characters (NEW AND REVISED)

• PARISA, French background, is a cheerleader who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé — unaware that he is in the middle of a crime conspiracy, her involvement makes things more dangerous and complicated. (REVISED)
• BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound substance as he unwillingly keeps the secret location of a weapon of mass destruction. He broke with Parisa to keep her out of danger. Now, the clock is ticking. (REVISED)
• PHILIP is a secret agent in charge of preventing Bahadur to give away the secret… killing him if so was needed; rescuing him is just another option — but to Parisa, he is the man who made her fiancé break up with her before the two men run away. (REVISED)
• THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret. (REVISED)
• RUTHLESS a female underground MMA prizefighter, born to chew her opponents and known by her motto: “I can kill you twice” (NEW)
• SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter, named “The Ruler’s favorite,” also known as the one who “floods the cage with rage” (NEW)
• MAN IN A TUNIC is the Ruler’s right hand, the mastermind behind every criminal plan of the Ruler. (NEW)
• SYLVAN, French background, is Parisa’s uncle, an MMA manager who, unaware of the link with the criminals, he first introduces Bahadur to the underground MMA, and later he helps Parisa to get signed in as well. (NEW)

E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa find why her fiancé run away, got kidnapped, and get him back?

F. Main Conflict: (REVISED)

Parisa wants her fiancé back. Their lives depend on Parisa winning the deadly tournament… yet, she’s just a fearful cheerleader, not a real MMA fighter. The tournament runs under the Ruler’s rules, which are subject to change with or without notice.

G. Dilemma: (REVISED)

Parisa, Bahadur and Philip end up imprisoned by the Ruler. They are in the middle of the desert. There is no escape. They must join a tournament and win two out of three fights to avoid being killed. They also need to win the final match to get the poison’s antidote as a prize. But Philip gets killed, and Bahadur gets weaker and weaker due to the poisoning. What’s worse, they know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty unlikely.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Parisa goes from a fearful cheerleader to someone who is able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

2. Your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat

1. Opening (REVISED)

The silhouette of PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader coach.

2. Inciting Incident (REVISED)

She abruptly stops the treadmill. A TEXT PREVIEW displays on her cellphone screen: “HE’S GONE”. She wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. (REVISED)

MMA manager, Sylvain, introduces his niece, Parisa, to a group of open-mouthed RING MASTERS who can’t stop looking at her with both, lust and disbelief. Parisa gets in the octagon cage for an “audition.” She gets almost KO, badly beaten, eye-swollen.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

Sylvain helps Parisa walk out of the cage. They are ready to leave, but the ring masters cannot let a charming woman get away just like that. Parisa still gets signed in. Now she is an underground MMA prizefighter. Parisa wonders how long will it take for her to become a fighter. Sylvain convinces her to take dance lessons, because “you fight the way you dance”. Reluctant at the start, she ends up joining for salsa and samba lessons with masters who, unbeknownst to her are masters of Shuaijiao (Chinese traditional wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.

5. Mid-Point

Bahadur , Philip and Parisa are ambushed and imprisoned by the Ruler’s men. Badahur is poisoned by a time-bound substance. They are transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert where a deadly tournament will take place. The rules: they must win
two out of three fights to avoid death and Parisa must fight in one of
the rounds. To win the antidote, they must win the final match. The trip is long. Philip administers a drug to Badahur to delay the
effects of the poison. The clock is ticking.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

Parisa discovers that breaking up with Bahadur was a way to keep her safe. Philip, the man who run away with him, is a secret agent in charge of preventing Bahadur to give away the secret… killing Bahadur if so was needed, rescuing him is just another option.

7. Crisis

They think on a new plan. Perhaps, to escape they should stop running. Every guard has a cellphone. “Let’s steal one and send a message out,” Bahadur suggests. They manage to steal the device, but right when Philip is about to press “SEND”, a bullet kills him. The tournament starts. Parisa and Ruthless open the event. Ruthless gets hurt and Parisa wins.

8. Climax

Philip is dead and Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa takes Badahur’s place, enters the octagon with the Ruler’s favorite, Shahnaz, and against the odds, she wins the antidote. She emerges much wiser, but she is badly beaten. After she hands in the antidote to her fiancé, she collapses. It’s the end. DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. The secret agent’s message went through! MACHINE GUNS… shooting, resistance, people run… SMOKE… BAZOOKA fires… chaos. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms… DARKNESS.

9. Resolution

A wheelchair quietly rolls into a gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, she shares her discovery with her former students: “Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ SLW Version 1

ASSIGNMENT 1

——————-

Post your Story Logic Web for feedback.

1. List the following key components of your story:

A. Concept:

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter who, forced by the circumstances, hides a weapon of mass destruction, got kidnapped and poisoned – now she must win or die for the antidote in a cage tournament.

B. Plot Choice:

Plot choice 1 – Discovery: This plot is about having to reconcile the character’s past versus the new present. The characters are searching to understand something fundamental about themselves. “You were, you are, you will be” is how the story is delivered. In the end, they emerge much wiser, but often, they do so only just before dying.

I will also take some elements from the plot escape.

Plot choice 2 – Escape: Your hero is confined against his will. The natural progression: imprisonment, initial attempts to escape fail, new plan is made that is also thwarted, and finally, the actual escape.

C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

Three characters wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.

D. Lead Characters

• PARISA is a cheerleader who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé.
• BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who, forced by the circumstances, hides a weapon of mass destruction, gets kidnapped and poisoned.
• PHILIP is a secret agent in charge of protecting Bahadur, but to Parisa, he is the man who made her fiancé break up with her before the two men run away.
• THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide a criminal organization.

E. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa find why her fiancé run away, got kidnapped, and get him back?

F. Main Conflict:

Parisa wants her fiancé back, but unbeknownst to her, her fiancé and his runaway partner want to keep her out for her own safety.

G. Dilemma:

Parisa’s involvement only makes things worse. The three end up imprisoned and, after the runaway partner gets killed and her fiancé is too weak to fight for the poison’s antidote, their lives depend on her winning a deadly tournament… yet, she’s just a fearful cheerleader, not a real MMA fighter.

H. Theme:

To escape, sometimes you need to stop running.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

Parisa goes from a fearful cheerleader to someone who can is able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.

2. Your 9 beat structure, one sentence per beat

1. Opening

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: YOU WERE… A CHEERLEADER

INT. FITNESS ROOM – NIGHT

The silhouette of a lonely WOMAN gets up on a treadmill. She is PARISA, a cheerleader coach. She wears a cheerleader mini-skirt over a skin-tight tracksuit and MMA gloves. She performs jabs, hooks and head guards while jugging.

2. Inciting Incident

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: IMPRISONMENT

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON CAGE – NIGHT

The MANAGER helps his MMA FIGHTER step in the octagon. The fighter looks dazed. Disoriented, the FIGHTER catches the sight of a MAN IN A TUNIC. His hand holds a KNIFE up. THE BLADE progressively CHANGES COLOR — and so it does the WOUND on the fighter’s arm.

INT. FITNESS ROOM – NIGHT

Parisa abruptly stops the treadmill. A TEXT PREVIEW displays on her cellphone screen: “HE’S GONE”. She wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: YOU ARE… A CHICK WITH PRETTY LEGS THAT KICK (1)

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON CAGE – DAY

The manager introduces Parisa to a group of open-mouthed RING MASTERS who can’t stop looking at her with both, lust and disbelief. They agree to give her a try. She gets in the octagon cage with an opponent and shows them that high kicks of a cheerleader can get “mixed” with the “mixed” MA.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: YOU ARE… A CHICK WITH PRETTY LEGS THAT KICK (2)

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON CAGE – DAY

She gets signed in. Now she is an underground MMA prizefighter.

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: INITIAL ATTEMPTS FAILURE 1

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NIGHT

Parisa looks for her fiancé in every corner of the underground facility, just to bump into a FEMALE RIVAL who advises her not to ever dream on becoming a champion.

5. Mid-Point

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: INITIAL ATTEMPTS FAILURE 2

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY ROOF – NIGHT

Parisa watches the access to the facility from the roof. A man “Parkour-jumps” from another building onto the roof of the MMA facility. He is the man who run away with her fiancé. She confronts him. Suddenly, a gang attacks them. A second group intervenes. Everyone runs away except for her and the second group. They give her a package and instruct her: “This is not the antidote, but it will keep him alive.” She is confused. “Who are they?”

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: INITIAL ATTEMPTS FAILURE 3

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY STREET – NIGHT

The underground octagon wraps up for the night. Parisa remains hidden in the facility. Her fiancé and his runaway partner come out from nowhere. She follows them. The two men are ambushed by the first gang from the other night. Outnumbered, she freaks out. The three are taken prisoners.

INT. A TRANSPORT CONTAINER — NIGHT

They are transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert where a deadly tournament will take place. The prize is the antidote that her fiancé needs. Parisa discovers that breaking up with her fiancé was a way to prevent her from getting involved. Her fiancé was forced by circumstances to hide the location of a weapon of mass destruction. The man who run away with him is a secret agent.

7. Crisis

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: YOU WILL BE… A FEARLESS CAGE MASTER

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA TRAINING AREA – DAY

Parisa works on her fighting skills under the expert coaching of her fiancé and the secret agent. (RE: Inciting Incident — the transformation from cheerleader to MMA fighter)

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: LET’S TRY SOMETHING ELSE

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAMP – DAY

They think on a new plan. Perhaps, to escape they should stop running. Every guard has a cellphone. “Let’s steal one and send a message out,” her fiancé suggests.

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: NEW PLAN THWARTED – FAILURE 4

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAMP – DAY

They manage to steal the device, but right when the secret agent is about to press “SEND”, a bullet kills him.

8. Climax

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: SOMETIMES, TO ESCAPE YOU MUST STOP RUNNING (1)

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON ARENA – DAY

She wins the antidote defeating opponents of far superior strength than hers in the MMA octagon. She emerges much wiser, but she is badly beaten. After she hands in the antidote to her fiancé, she collapses. It’s the end.

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: AND FINALLY, THE ACTUAL ESCAPE

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON ARENA – DAY

DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. The secret agent’s message went through! MACHINE GUNS… shooting, resistance, people run… SMOKE… BAZOOKA fires… chaos. The fiancé urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms… DARKNESS.

9. Resolution

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: SOMETIMES, TO ESCAPE YOU MUST STOP RUNNING (2)

INT. GYM – DAY

A wheelchair quietly rolls into a gym where her old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, she shares her discovery with her former students: “Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Favorite Movie Outline

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”

As a scriptwriter, Bruce Lee tried to convey a message deeper than what most people in the audience saw. He also integrated ideas about the martial arts that were unknown to western (and some Asian) audiences in the 1970s. His superb performance eclipsed the dilemma and theme of his narrative. It makes me wonder how to reconcile the “profound” with the “flashy” cinematic. If I wrote the 2020s version of Enter the Dragon, what would I keep/change?

ASSIGNMENT:

———————-

Create an outline of your favorite movie and gain insights into outlining your own script.

Movie:

Enter the Dragon (1973)

Logline: To avenge his sister’s death, a Shaolin monk becomes a secret agent and fights to destroy an opium lord’s empire, while saving the day in a deadly martial arts tournament.

Dramatic plot: Revenge

The hero has a moral justification for vengeance and seeks retaliation against the antagonist.

Dramatic Question:

Will Lee be able to avenge his sister, stop Han, and destroy his criminal empire?

Main Conflict:

Han, a renegade Shaolin monk turned into opium lord, is responsible for the murder of many women, including Lee’s sister; he has also dishonored the Shaolin Temple, where Lee belongs.

Dilemma:

Han lives in his private island’s fortress where no guns are allowed. As a renegade Shaolin monk, Han is too strong of an opponent for anyone to fight… except for another Shaolin monk. Although Lee is the strongest Shaolin monk of this generation, he holds a highly ethical life philosophy and family morals. To succeed in this mission, he would have to betray his values as a Shaolin monk, as a son, and as a good man.

Theme:

Evil will triumph when good men do nothing.

Story Logic Web

1. Opening

EXT. SHAOLIN TEMPLE – TOURNAMENT GROUND – DAY

Two groups of Buddhist warrior monks cross-legged sit around a square fighting area. They are Shaolin Temple martial arts disciples. In the center of the square, their champion instructors are ready to fight. Their style includes a wide range of techniques: punching, kicking, throwing, acrobatics, and grappling. LEE, orange cloak team instructor, wins by submission.

EXT. SHAOLIN TEMPLE – TERRACE – DAY

BRAITHWAITE, British intelligence chief, looks for Mr. Lee to speak about the tournament organized by Mr. Han. He wants him to attend.

Lee. interrupts the conversation to teach a young disciple. Lee requires emotion in performance and clarifies he does not mean ANGER! Before the lesson ends, he requires the disciple to reflect upon the lesson, but he stresses: Don’t think. FEEL. His martial art is not based on blind obedience or servitude.

INT. BRAITHWAITE’S OFFICE – DAY

Braithwaite introduces the problem to Lee: Han, a former Shaolin monk, now a renegade has established a crime empire. Han’s island is a fortress with uncertain nationality. Han lives like a king and his only contact with the outside world is his tournament which he holds every three years. The authorities know everything about Han’s criminal activities but can prove nothing. They need Lee to infiltrate the island and get evidence. Two months earlier, they managed to place a female operative on the island, but lost contact. Her name is Mei Ling.

2. Inciting Incident

INT. HONG KONG – OLD MAN’S HOUSE – DAY

Lee pays a visit to an old man. Three years ago, the old man was in the city with SU LIN, Lee’s sister. At that time Han’s men had come in from the island, they were everywhere. Lee’s sister gets attacked by OHARA, Han’s bodyguard, and some other Han’s men. Su Lin is a skillful martial artist. She fights back using the environment to her advantage. She cuts Ohara’s face with a piece of knife-shape broken glass from a window. She is outnumbered. There’s no way out. She uses the knife-shape piece of broken glass to commit suicide.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

EXT. HONG KONG – CEMETERY – DAY

Lee kneels down in front the graves of her mother and sister. Lee begs for forgiveness. “You will not agree with what I’m going to do. It is contrary to all that you have taught me, and all that Su Lin believed. I must leave.”

EXT. UNITED STATES – GOLF COURSE – DAY

ROPER, a broken business man, a gambler, ex-military, a martial arts expert. He plays golf when debt collectors carrying baseball bats try to give him a lesson. Roper uses his martial arts skill to defend himself. ROPER orders his assistant to confirm his flight to Hong Kong. He is joining Han’s tournament.

INT. UNITED STATES – A KARATE DOJO – NIGHT

A group of African-American people drill over Karate skills. They follow the counting of an advanced instructor. WILLIAMS, Karate black belt, ex-military, shakes hands with MASTER SENSEI, who bids him farewell and good luck in Han’s tournament.

EXT. UNITED STATES – STREET NEARBY KARATE DOJO – NIGHT

Williams leaves the dojo. Walks down the street. A police car commands him to stop. White cops get down the car. Search Williams’ backpack. Body-check him for weapons. They find a plane ticket to Hong Kong in his bag. In a hate action, the white cops attack Williams. He knocks them out with ease and flies the scene.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

EXT. HONG KONG – FERRY BOAT – DAY

On board of a ferry, Roper and Williams meet again. They fought in Vietnam six years before.

EXT. HONG KONG – FERRY BOAT – LATER

A group of local men amuse themselves watching mantis fight. Roper wants to bet, but the locals do not speak English. Lee takes Roper on his bet and wins. PARSONS a New Zealand boxer provokes Lee to fight. He asks Lee what’s his style. As he learns it is “The art of fighting without fighting”, Parsons insists on Lee to show him. Lee tricks Parsons to get on a boat then, he releases the lines that hold the boat to the ferry. Lee jerks the line. The little boat swings. Some children get amused at the sight of Parson being defeated without fighting.

EXT. FERRY BOAT – NEARBY HAN’S ISLAND – DAY

Roper and Williams gaze at a group of attractive Asian women that wait at the harbor for the ferry passengers to arrive. TANIA, a European beauty, leads the welcome delegation.

EXT. HAN’S ISLAND – DAY

The contestants disembark. The island is a martial arts fortress. Hundreds of people engage in martial arts drills.

INT. HAN’S PALACE – BANQUET HALL – NIGHT

The palace displays extreme luxury. The ambiance created by Chinese festive music accompanies the competitors. There are endless food choices and spectacular circus style entertainment. All contestants are dressed in silk Chinese style robes. Lee, Roper, and Williams sit together. Han addresses all the participants. At the end of his speech, he throws an apple to the air. ONE OF THE GIRLS from his entourage pulls a dart that was concealed as a hair-pin and throws it at the apple on the air. She gets the target with unbelievable accuracy. She is MEI LING, the agent that Braithwaite told Lee about.

INT. WILLIAMS’ ROOM – NIGHT

Tania enters the room. She brings along a group of girls for Williams to choose one.

INT. MR. LEE’S ROOM – NIGHT

Tania invites Lee to choose an escort. Lee produces the dart that he collected from the apple and requests that girl to be sent to him.

INT. ROPER’S ROOM – NIGHT

Tania enters the room and invites Roper to choose an escort. Roper picks Tania.

INT. MR. LEE’S ROOM – NIGHT

Mei Ling exchange notes with Lee in his room. She admits knowing nothing, except that people disappear.

INT. MR. LEE’S ROOM – LATER

Lee practices leg skills. Ohara sticks his head in the room. He informs Lee that he must attend the morning ritual in uniform. Lee considers the scar on his face and asks him to leave.

EXT. HAN’S ISLAND TOURNAMENT – FIGHTING ARENA

Lee attends the morning activities wearing Chinese attire instead of the “Hanfu” Karate style uniform provided by the host. He is about to be reprimanded, but the officer steps back when Lee glances at him with restrained fury. Han declares the tournament inaugurated. Roper fights and wins in the first event.

INT. LEE’S ROOM – NIGHT

Lee wears dark color skin-tight tracksuit. He carries a rope and nunchaku in a bag. He goes out through his room balcony to spy.

INT. ROPER’S ROOM – NIGHT

Tania massages Roper’s back. She invites him to stay in the island.

INT. WILLIAMS’ ROOM – NIGHT

Williams goes out of his room. His escorts warn him it is forbidden to go out. He ignores them.

EXT. HAN’S ISLAND – PALACE SURROUNDINGS – NIGHT

A DOG chained to a fence barks at Lee. The noise attracts the attention of some guards. Lee knocks them out with flashy punches. He flies the scene.

EXT. OUTSIDE WILLIAMS’ ROOM – NIGHT

Williams perceives the presence of a “human fly” moving in the shadows. It is Lee!

5. Mid-Point

EXT. HAN’S ISLAND TOURNAMENT – FIGHTING ARENA – NEXT DAY

Han regrets that one of his guest broke the rules the previous night. He orders BOLO, a bulky fighter, to kill the guards. The tournament resumes. The next fight is Lee versus Ohara. Lee demonstrates a much superior technique than the bodyguard. Ohara feels humiliated and wants to kill Lee, but the Shaolin monk is far more skillful and kills Ohara. Han suspects Williams was the guest who broke the rules. Williams is summoned to Han’s study.

INT. HAN’S STUDY – LATER

Han confronts Williams about attacking the guards the previous night, which Williams deny. Han’s men fight Williams, but he easily defeats them.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

INT. HAN’S MUSEUM / POWER PLANT / DUNGEONS – LATER

Roper learns about Han’s operation. Han investment is in corruption. He invites Roper to be his representative in the United States. Roper realizes that the tournament is just a set up to recruit new talent. In the dungeon, Han keeps harbor homeless and drunkards as prisoners. He performs experiments on them. Han shows Roper the body of Williams hanging lifeless and suggests that there should be no misunderstandings in their relationship.

7. Crisis

INT. ISLAND DUNGEONS / RADIO ROOM – NIGHT

Lee breaks into the radio room and sends out a message. The alarm rings. Guards come to the area. Lee fights with the guards using his nunchaku and then, other instruments that he grabs from the guards. The guards use the underground passages fire-gates to imprison Lee.

INT. BRAITHWAITE’S BEDROOM – DAY

Braithwaite receives a note about Lee’s radio transmission along with his breakfast tray. He regrets the delay, scolds his staff and immediately contacts the authorities.

EXT. HAN’S ISLAND TOURNAMENT ARENA – DAY

The tournament resumes. Lee’s hands are tied up. When Roper arrives, Han orders him to fight with Lee and kill him. Roper refuses. Han orders Bolo to kill Lee, but Roper nudges Lee aside and fights Bolo. Roper kills Bolo. Enraged, Han orders his men to kill Lee and Roper.

INT. HAN’S ISLAND DUNGEONS – SAME TIME

Mei Ling secures the keys of the dungeon and releases all the prisoners, instructing them to fight for their freedom.

EXT. HAN’S ISLAND TOURNAMENT ARENA – LATER

The mob joins Lee and Roper against Han’s men. Han flies the scene.

8. Climax

INT. HAN’S MUSEUM – LATER

Lee chases Han into the museum. Lee pronounces: “You have offended my family, and you have offended the Shaolin Temple.” An epic battle begins.

INT. MIRRORS MAZE – LATER

The misleading reality of the mirrors confuses Lee’s mind. He shatters several mirrors until the image of the real Han is easy to spot. Lee impales Han on a spear.

9. Resolution

EXT. HAN’S ISLAND TOURNAMENT ARENA – LATER

The mob killed most of Han’s men and just plays around with the remaining guards. Roper discovers the body of Tania laying lifeless on the ground. Then, he observes how Lee emerges triumphant from the palace. This time, military helicopters finally arrive on the island. Lee shakes his heads.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ 1st Pass

What I learned doing this assignment is…?

This is a structure, a scaffold, a roadmap and a yardstick to “measure” the result. WOW!

1. Give us your concept/logline.

A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter who, forced to hide a weapon of mass destruction, got kidnapped and poisoned – now she must win or die for the antidote in a cage tournament.

2. What is your plot choice and a quick summary of that plot? (From Day 2 and 3)

Plot 1 – Discovery: This plot is more about the character making the discovery than it is about the discovery itself. This story is often about having to reconcile past versus the new present for the character. “You were, you are, you will be” is how the story is delivered. The characters are searching to understand something fundamental about themselves. The character is being forced to look at their life for real and take stock of who he or she really is. In the end, they emerge much wiser, although often, they do so only just before dying.

I will also take some elements from the plot escape.

Plot 2 – Escape: Your hero is confined against his will (often unjustly) and wants to escape. In this case, the hero is the victim. The natural progression: imprisonment, initial attempts to escape fail, new plan is made that is also thwarted, and finally, the actual escape.

3. List all 9 beats of your structure. (From Day 5)

1. Opening

The silhouette of a lonely WOMAN gets on a treadmill. She wears a cheerleader mini-skirt over a skin-tight tracksuit and MMA gloves. She performs jabs, hooks and head guards while jugging. Her cellphone in the accessories tray, plays LOUD MUSIC into her earphones.

Somewhere else, a MANAGER helps his MMA FIGHTER step in the octagon. The fighter looks dazed. Disoriented, the FIGHTER catches the sight of a MAN IN A TUNIC. His hand holds a KNIFE up. THE BLADE progressively CHANGES COLOR — and so it does the WOUND on the fighter’s arm.

2. Inciting Incident

The WOMAN abruptly stops the treadmill. A TEXT PREVIEW displays on her cellphone screen: “HE’S GONE”.

Paralyzed with FEAR for a moment, she finally wipes her tears and replies: “I MUST FIND HIM. HELP ME.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

The MANAGER introduces the WOMAN to a group of open-mouthed RING MASTERS who can’t stop looking at her with both, lust and disbelief. Yet, they agree to give her a try. She gets in the octagon cage with an opponent and shows them that the cartwheels, backflips and high kicks of a cheerleader can get “mixed” with the “mixed” MA.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

She gets signed in. Now she is an underground MMA prizefighter.

The WOMAN looks for her fiancé in every corner of the underground octagon, just to bump into a FEMALE RIVAL who advises her not to ever dream on becoming a champion.

5. Mid-Point

The woman observes the access to the facility from the roof. A man shows up. She recognizes him as the man who run away with her fiancé. She follows him and confronts him. Suddenly, a gang attacks them. A second group intervenes. As a result, everyone runs away except for her and the second group. Now, they give her a package and instruct her: “This is not the antidote, but it will keep him alive… and, by the way, you’ve got this whole thing wrong.” She is confused. Who are they? Why are they trying to help her fiancé?

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

The underground octagon wraps up for the night. She remains hidden in the facility. Her fiancé and the man who run away with him come out from nowhere. She follows them. The two men are ambushed by the first gang from the other night. Outnumbered, she freaks out. The three of them are taken prisoners.

They are transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. A deadly tournament will take place in there. The tournament prize is the antidote to neutralize her fiancé’s poisoning. She discovers that the breaking up with her fiancé was a way to prevent her from getting involved in a deadly conflict. The man who run away with her fiancé is a secret agent. Her fiancé was forced by circumstances to hide information about the location of a weapon of mass destruction. [FLASHBACK: exposition]

7. Crisis

The WOMAN develops her fighting skills under the expert coaching of her fiancé and the runaway partner.

After several attempts to escape have failed, they think on a new plan. Perhaps, to escape, they should stop running. The only way out is going through hell. Every guard has a cellphone. “Let’s steal one and send a message out,” her fiancé suggests. They manage to steal the device and send a message out… but the runaway partner gets killed in the process.

8. Climax

The tournament starts, but the woman’s fiancé is too weak to fight for the antidote, so she takes his place. She wins over the female rival and, against the odds, defeats the Goliath-like fighter, too. She is badly beaten. She collapses. It seems the end for her.

DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. The message went through! MACHINE GUNS shoot, resistance, people run… SMOKE… BAZOOKA fires… chaos. The fiancé urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms… DARKNESS.

9. Resolution

LOUD MUSIC. Young cheerleaders rehearse.

A wheelchair quietly rolls into the gym. The girls swarm around their old coach. Still bruised, but recovering, she shares her discovery:

“To cheer means to encourage, to do something that frightens you. Cheerleaders help others to conquer their fears, to stop running. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

The woman smiles when the young girls ask: “Have you ever conquered your fears?” “Wait — was it scary?”

4. Tell us the Character Arc of your protagonist and add it to your structure.

The woman starts off as a fearful person and then, she becomes a fearless and wiser fighter

Part to be changed: she is a fearful person who pretends to encourage others to face their fears

Biggest fear: to be outnumbered or overpowered

Completion of arc: she defeats opponents of far superior strength than hers in the MMA octagon

5. “What plot events would naturally fit into this structure?”

1. Opening

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: YOU WERE… A CHEERLEADER

INT. FITNESS ROOM – NIGHT

The silhouette of a lonely WOMAN gets up on a treadmill. She wears a cheerleader mini-skirt over a skin-tight tracksuit and MMA gloves. She performs jabs, hooks and head guards while jugging. Her cellphone in the accessories tray, plays LOUD MUSIC into her earphones.

2. Inciting Incident

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: IMPRISONMENT

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON CAGE – NIGHT

The MANAGER helps his MMA FIGHTER step in the octagon. The fighter looks dazed. Disoriented, the FIGHTER catches the sight of a MAN IN A TUNIC. His hand holds a KNIFE up. THE BLADE progressively CHANGES COLOR — and so it does the WOUND on the fighter’s arm.

INT. FITNESS ROOM – NIGHT

The WOMAN abruptly stops the treadmill. A TEXT PREVIEW displays on her cellphone screen: “HE’S GONE”.

Paralyzed with FEAR for a moment, she finally wipes her tears and replies: “I MUST FIND HIM. HELP ME.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: YOU ARE… A CHICK WITH PRETTY LEGS THAT KICK (1)

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON CAGE – DAY

The MANAGER introduces the WOMAN to a group of open-mouthed RING MASTERS who can’t stop looking at her with both, lust and disbelief. Yet, they agree to give her a try.

She gets in the octagon cage with an opponent and shows them that the cartwheels, backflips and high kicks of a cheerleader can get “mixed” with the “mixed” MA.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: YOU ARE… A CHICK WITH PRETTY LEGS THAT KICK (2)

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON CAGE – DAY

She gets signed in. Now she is an underground MMA prizefighter.

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: INITIAL ATTEMPTS FAILURE 1

INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NIGHT

The WOMAN looks for her fiancé in every corner of the underground facility, just to bump into a FEMALE RIVAL who advises her not to ever dream on becoming a champion.

5. Mid-Point

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: INITIAL ATTEMPTS FAILURE 2

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY ROOF – NIGHT

The woman observes the access to the facility from the roof. A man shows up. He “Parkour-jumps” from another building onto the roof of the MMA facility. She recognizes him as the man who run away with her fiancé. She confronts him. Suddenly, a gang attacks them. A second group intervenes. As a result, everyone runs away except for her and the second group. Now, they give her a package and instruct her: “This is not the antidote, but it will keep him alive… and, by the way, you’ve got this whole thing wrong.” She is confused. Who are they? Why are they trying to help her fiancé?

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: INITIAL ATTEMPTS FAILURE 3

EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY STREET – NIGHT

The underground octagon wraps up for the night. She remains hidden in the facility. Her fiancé and the man who run away with him come out from nowhere. She follows them. The two men are ambushed by the first gang from the other night. Outnumbered, she freaks out. The three of them are taken prisoners.

INT. A TRANSPORT CONTAINER — NIGHT

They are transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. A deadly tournament will take place in there. The tournament prize is the antidote to neutralize her fiancé’s poisoning. She discovers that the breaking up with her fiancé was a way to prevent her from getting involved in a deadly conflict. The man who run away with her fiancé is a secret agent. Her fiancé was forced by circumstances to hide information about the location of a weapon of mass destruction. [FLASHBACK: exposition]

7. Crisis

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: YOU WILL BE… A FEARLESS CAGE MASTER

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA TRAINING AREA – DAY

The WOMAN develops her fighting skills under the expert coaching of her fiancé and the runaway partner.

RE: Inciting Incident — the transformation from cheerleader to MMA fighter

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: LET’S TRY SOMETHING ELSE

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAMP – DAY

After several attempts to escape have failed, they think on a new plan. Perhaps, to escape they should stop running. The only way out is going through hell. Every guard has a cellphone. “Let’s steal one and send a message out,” her fiancé suggests.

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: NEW PLAN THWARTED – FAILURE 4

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAMP – DAY

They manage to steal the device and send a message out… but the runaway partner gets killed in the process.

8. Climax

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: SOMETIMES, TO ESCAPE YOU MUST STOP RUNNING (1)

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON ARENA – DAY

She wins the antidote defeating opponents of far superior strength than hers in the MMA octagon.

She emerges much wiser, but she is badly beaten. So, as it often happens, the discovery comes just before dying.

She hands in the antidote to her fiancé. Her las words: “Didn’t I say that? To escape, sometimes you must stop running.” She collapses. It’s the end.

DRAMATIC PLOT 2 — ESCAPE: AND FINALLY, THE ACTUAL ESCAPE

EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA OCTAGON ARENA – DAY

DRONE SQUAD and soldiers arrive. The message went through! MACHINE GUNS… shooting, resistance, people run… SMOKE… BAZOOKA fires… chaos. The fiancé urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms… DARKNESS.

9. Resolution

DRAMATIC PLOT 1 — DISCOVERY: SOMETIMES, TO ESCAPE YOU MUST STOP RUNNING (2)

INT. GYM – DAY

A wheelchair quietly rolls into the gym where her old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, she shares her discovery with her former students: “Cheering means encouraging others to conquer their fears, to stop running. Everyone should be a cheerleader for others in real life.”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Basic Structure

What I’ve learned:

That it is OK to use other structures, approaches in constructing my narrative. The Mini Movie Method (MMM) I learned in ScreenwritingU courses has proved to me one of the easiest to understand. But the idea of ongoing renewal, trying, testing new ideas, models, approaches; keeps me intrigued, engaged.

The stress on the three-act structure refers me back to the idea of the macro and micro — that similar to the three-act structure, every scene, every mini-movie segment has its own three-act structure.

ASSIGNMENT

———————

Create a structure for your story.

1. Tell us your concept in a logline.

A cheerleader-made-MMA-contender fights to find her runaway fiancé, an MMA prizefighter who, unbeknownst to her, hides a weapon of mass destruction, was poisoned, and must battle for the antidote in an underground octagon.

2. Present your story, showing each part of the 9-beat structure:

1. Opening

A woman gets up on a treadmill. She places her cellphone on the accessory tray and plays loud music into her wireless earphones.

Somewhere else, a manager helps his dazed MMA fighter to step in the octagon cage. A massive opponent is waiting for him. The crowd roars at the sight of the David-Goliath challenge about to start off.

Disoriented, the fighter catches the sight of a man standing on the opponent’s corner. Face veiled by the hood of his tunic, he holds up a knife. The blade, like a scale reaching the boiling point, progressively changes color — and so it does the wound on the fighter’s arm.

2. Inciting Incident

The woman abruptly stops the treadmill. The preview of a text message displays on her cellphone screen: “HE’S GONE”. Taken aback, she waits a moment, wipes her tears and replies: “HELP ME. I WILL FIND HIM.”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

The manager of the MMA fighter introduces the woman to a group of open-mouthed ring masters who can’t stop looking at her with both, lust and disbelief. When they agree to give her a try, she steps into the octagon and shows them that the cartwheels, backflips and high kicks of a cheerleader can make a spectacular mix with the “mixed” MA.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

Every night, the woman looks for her fiancé in every corner of the underground octagon, just to bump into a female rival who advises her not to dream on becoming a champion, or else, they will meet at the top, where only one of them can stand.

5. Mid-Point

She follows the man who run away with her fiancé. As she confronts him, a gang attacks them and then, a second gang attacks her and the first gang.

The man runs away, the first gang fold back. She is confronted by the second gang. They give her a package and instruct her: In case you found him, this is not the antidote — but it will keep him alive.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

After the underground octagon wraps up for the night, she remains hidden in the facility. Her fiancé and the man who run away with him come out from somewhere. This is a rescue, she thinks, and follows them. Ambushed by the first gang from the other night, she intervenes. Outnumbered, they are taken prisoners. Now she discovers the truth about the breaking up and the identity of the man who run away with her fiancé.

7. Crisis

After several attempts to escape have failed, now they know that sometimes, to escape, one must stop running. The only way out is going through hell.

They are transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. A deadly tournament will take place in there. The prize is the antidote to neutralize her fiancé’s poisoning. The cheerleader develops her MA skills under the coaching of her fiancé. They manage to send a message out.

8. Climax

The Tournament. The woman’s fiancé is too weak to fight for the antidote, so she takes his place. She wins over the female rival and, against the odds, defeats the Goliath-like fighter, but she is badly beaten. She collapses. It seems the end for her. Armed forces arrive and take control of the situation. A hand urges for paramedics to help her. Chaos.

9. Resolution

Young cheerleaders rehearse. Loud electronic music. Drumming beats and string riffs. A wheelchair quietly rolls into the gym. The girls swarm around their old coach. She is still bruised, but recovering. She explains that to cheer means to encourage, to do something the frightens you. Cheerleaders help others to conquer their fears, but they must first conquer their own. Young girls ask her: “Have you conquered yours?” “Wait — was it scary?”

[Antonio]

[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Necessary Questions

What I’ve learned:

Developing the conceptual understanding of a school teaching unit holds amazing parallels with the development of the conceptual structure of film narrative.

1. List your answer for each of these areas for your story.

a. Concept:

A cheerleader-made-MMA-contender fights to find her runaway fiancé, an MMA prizefighter who, unbeknownst to her, hides a weapon of mass destruction, was poisoned, and must battle for the antidote in an underground octagon.

b. Dramatic Question:

Can Parisa get her fiancé back?

c. Main conflict:

The worldwide criminal network behind the underground octagon will hunt them no matter where they try to hide

d. Dilemma:

Give away the mass destruction weapon to the criminals and betraying the world OR fighting for the antidote and most likely getting killed

e. Theme:

Sometimes, to escape one must stop running

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio’s 10 Dramatic Plots – Part 2

What I learned:

That I may have overseen the relevance of plot in the past. One may go to the movies and even without knowing who the actors are, it is plot that makes your head spin around. In the past 24 hours, I have read so many approaches on plot (Vogler, Campbell, Truby, Snyder, Tobias, Aristotle…) What a trip! Now my head is spinning and I am glad that we are using Tobias’ approach.

1. Looking through the 10 plots above, select two that could possibly work for your story.

— Transformation

— Discovery

2. Tell us your original concept.

A cheerleader-made-MMA-contender fights to find her runaway fiancé, an MMA prizefighter who, unbeknownst to her, hides a weapon of mass destruction, was poisoned, and must battle for the antidote in an underground octagon.

3. Tell the name of the plot selection and write a logline for each one.

• Transformation: A cheerleader-made-MMA-contender fights to find her runaway fiancé, an MMA prizefighter who unbeknownst to her, hides a weapon of mass destruction, was poisoned, and now she must win the antidote in an underground octagon.
• Discovery: When an MMA fighter breaks up with his fiancé, a cheerleader, she pursues him, unknowingly leading criminals to capture and poison him – now she must fight for the antidote in an underground octagon.

4. Then, looking at the four plots (two from yesterday and two from today) tell us which plot you would like to use throughout the Outlining module.

Discovery. Yet, I will integrate some elements from “Riddle” and “Escape”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Subject: Antonio Flores’ Dramatic Plots 1

What I learned doing this is…

I bought Tobias’ book and the first couple of chapters helped me reconsider my understanding of plot. Tobias proposes that plot, rather than structure, is a kind of force that holds everything together. I like that understanding because it makes plot appear as something organic instead of rigid or formulaic.

1. Select two plots that could possibly work for your story.

• Riddle
• Escape

2. Tell the name of the plot selection and write a one paragraph synopsis for each one.

Riddle: The audience should think on a “rescue” where Parisa, a cheerleader-made-MMA-contestant, fights to find her runaway fiancé, an underground MMA prizefighter, who (mystery/separation) broke up with her and ran away with a man from the lab where he daytime works as janitor. Parisa finds her way into the underground octagon (pursuit / clues with misdirection), wins every fight, until she finally spots her fiancé and the runaway partner, just to find out (confrontation) that she had misjudged the situation (real sequence of events / reunion)

Escape: They fall in the hands of the Ruler (imprisonment), a dangerous criminal, leader of the underground octagon. Transported to a remote place in the desert where the Ruler’s gang prepare a “Fire Festival” MMA underground tournament. All attempts to escape are futile, but in the meantime, Parisa completes her training as MMA fighter, which she badly needs because her fiancé has been poisoned and she must fight for the antidote in the underground octagon. “Sometimes to escape, you must stop running away.”

[Antonio]

Antonio Flores: Character Structure

What I learned:

This is a doable task: jot notes, take a rest, improve, take a rest, rewrite and submit. Little baby steps help moving forward.

1. List your concept.

A cheerleader-made-MMA-contender fights to find her runaway fiancé, an MMA prizefighter who unknown to her, hides a weapon of mass destruction, was poisoned, and must battle for the antidote in an underground octagon.

2. Tell us the Character Structure you choose for your story.

Dramatic Triangle

3. Give us one sentence on each of your lead characters.

Protagonist: Parisa, a cheerleader-made-MMA-contender who fights to find her runaway fiancé and the man who allegedly stole her fiancé.

Co-protagonist: Bahadur, Parisa’s fiancé, a refugee who works as a janitor in a lab, but at night he fights in the underground octagon.

Supporting: Thomas, a lab scientist, Bahadur’s runaway partner.

Antagonist: The Ruler is the leader of an underground MMA octagon gang linked to a criminal organization.

Antagonist’s right hand man: Sharnaz, the Ruler’s favorite fighter, a massive, muscle-packed undefeated contender.

4. In one or two paragraphs, tell us how you see the character structure playing out in your story.

Parisa’s fiancé, Bahadur, suddenly breaks up with her and runs away with Thomas, a man from the lab where he works as a janitor. Parisa believes that Thomas is the reason why her fiancé ditched her and run away.

Determined to set the account with the two men, she finds her way into the underground octagon, fights as skillfully as a cheerleader can fight… and wins every time. One night, she spots and prevents the escape of Bahadur and his partner, just to find out that Thomas holds classified information on a weapon of mass destruction. The underground MMA octagon gang is linked to a criminal organization. When they killed Thomas’ bodyguard, Bahadur intervened, saved Thomas, and got implicated. He then broke up with Parisa to protect her, but her stubborn tracking him down now brings her into a one-way trip to hell with no tomorrow.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Hello, everyone! This is Antonio Flores.

I have written one script and have several others in different stages of development or neglect.

I was born in Mexico City and moved to Beijing in 1986 to research about the integration of martial arts in physical education programs. I graduated from the Chinese Sports University as a martial arts coach and taught the subject for more than 20 years in Beijing. My research work was published by the Chinese Academy of Sciences in the early 90s.

As a former journalist, I always had to adhere to the facts of the stories. Then, when my son decided to major in motion pictures and TV, he told me that the earliest screenwriters from Hollywood were former journalists, which set me off on this journey.

For years, I have participated in ScreenwritingU courses, which I like very much because they are developmental, expert skill-focused, and facilitate the understanding of the industry’s conceptual framework. It is time for me to link the dots and bring my skills to the next level.

Looking forward to learn along with and from everyone!

[Antonio]

I, Antonio Flores, agree to the terms of this release form:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

You are very right! In this version, there will be sisters and one of them quite evil. Some elements of stories from other cultures will show up as well.

[Antonio]

Hi Anita,

I just went through the required 3-hook format from this class and applied it to your query letter. You may still want to reduce the word count, but hey, hope it helps!

===========================

A woman abandons her baby at birth, but when the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, she goes on a gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted.

Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. Cyrus is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws, but wants Danica to have one anyway.

Harley, Danica’s daughter, grows into a brilliant but cruel, mentally damaged, VENGEFUL young woman.

Harley secures a job at a genetics lab where database access allows her to stalk and discover both her biological parents. Here, Harley plots to save her mother. She orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney.

When Danica post-transplant awakens in the hospital and Harley confesses her crime, the door opens… It is Cyrus. He was only injured. Now, he brings the most unexpected ending to the story.

Request:

Bio:

Contact information:

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Thanks, Kate! I posted version 5 underneath.

I know what you’re talking about the whirlpool. Welcome to the club!

I sent you some notes by email this morning, but after my recent breakthrough, I think I can return to your newest version and add (or in the name of brevity, take away? 😅) something.

Mil millones de gracias! 😊

[Antonio]

Sorry for the late reply. Yes, totally TOTE! Let’s partner up, Kate!

Note that there is a specific format that we need to follow now. It’s heavy on HOOKS.

So make sure to listen to the teleconference, edit your query letter and Email it to me.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Thanks, Anna! I really want to join the group. Please let me know the how and where to meet.

[Antonio]

Hi Kate!

Hard to know what to leave in or out? I hear you! Welcome to the club!

This synopsis does a great job in summarizing the story, but our mission is to use hooks, so let’s focus on the KNOTS of the bamboo tree in that amazing story of yours.

What about describing the calm before the storm on the first paragraph?

The calmness of_____ town veils the undercurrent. Juliana, the town Mayor swears on her grandpa’s grave that Darrogh…

The two of them react when young actress, Nia, arrives to ______ town with her theater troupe to perform. Darrogh is aghast. Luciana makes the sign of the cross. The girl could be an avenging ghost, a shadow that binds them to the ____ (dramatic adjective) past.

For Nia, the past takes shape a step at a time in front of her eyes. Darrogh reveals that he is her (dramatic adjective) father…

Luciana on the other hand…

The town people…

Now Nia must decide between…

That’s about if for the synopsis. Hope this helps!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Thanks, Dev. I was about to write version two, thinking about your remarks against starting out with a question, when suddenly the bell icon alerted me of your message. Awesome suggestions. Less is more!

[Antonio]

A sequel? Now reading that will count as a bonus for me joining this class! So glad to see you here, Dana! 🤗

[Antonio]

Dear Dev– As I said before, more intriguing and mind-bending than this… (counting fingers) uh, The Matrix, perhaps?

Who would have imagined that climate change could have such an poisonous effect on neighboring universes, multive… wait, do you mean multiverse? You wrote “meta-verse.” (I know, I know. You were thinking on signing up for a “Whatsapp” account and adding me to your network! 😊)

The progression of the hooks flows well. It not only allows readers to easily grasp your logic-challenging plot, but it is also intriguing. Yet, I wonder if you need to give away the ending or even the climax. Food for thought.

Hope to read the rewrites of your script! We’re LinkedIn!

[Antonio]

Hi Anna– I like very much your introduction. Mentioning that you did some research on the producer’s needs is a good idea!

For the logline, I wonder if mentioning Dylan earlier would create the “Dylan meets Alfie” effect. Like:

It’s Christmas when a silent, bullied teenage boy, Dylan meets Alfie, a homeless dog…

As an educator, some of my best students were the quiet ones. One of my career highlights was my middle school student, the quiet girl who used to eat lunch at the far corner of the cafeteria, away from the others. Fast forward. She became an international lawyer and worked as the voice of the unprivileged in SE Asia.

Please add me to your network! I would love to read more about Alfie and give you some feedback. My email: flores_antonio@hotmail.com

[Antonio]

Hi Cam — Story logic web, I hear you! Totally agree. The query letter looks fine. If I wore my “hard-to-please” hat, one line that I would call your attention to is: “he gets infected by something that’s [dying] to eat you” — perhaps a more threatening but SLOW action word might render a more dramatic effect? I thought the parasites ate you slowly. “Dying to eat you” sounds fast and furious, like a tiger about to pounce on the prey. Anyway, that might be just “fastidious” “hard-to-please” me. Ignore me! Good job! It’s all because I’m dying to see this movie produced!

[Antonio]

Hi Dana — The synopsis honors the story. It is short, intriguing, so well written! I wonder if by posing the question only once, it would make the outcome more effective. Looking forward to seeing this on the big screen!

[Antonio]

Hey, June — I loved the synopsis. I was laughing the whole way through. Your characters are so fun and so well described. Good job. No wonder your bio is so rich. Those students of yours are lucky!

[Antonio]

Hi Rhonda,

Yes. The recording is already posted in the lessons section.

Hope this helps.

Antonio

[Antonio]

Hi June,

The link did not work for me either, but I went to Twitter, “@ScreenwritingU” click on the three-dot circle that is next to the bell and message icons. This will display a menu that includes: VIEW LIST, this will take you to Producers We Follow and other lists that Hal and Cheryl have curated.

Hope that helps! Hope that helps and while you are on Twitter, don’t forget to follow “@trigrama” 😊

[Antonio]

Hey, Cam. I would not mind to participate in the “ask everyone you know to read the script.”
😎

[Antonio]

Hey, Kate: Take a look at Leslie Grace (Batgirl) for the role of Nia!

[Antonio]

WOW! Thank you so much, Michael!
Stream of consciousness is PERFECT! I believe that it combines what you as audience would like to see on the screen, PLUS… the insightful comments of a screenwriter you are. PERFECT!

Well, thanks to your input, version 4 is coming out of the oven. Hope when you read it, you may recognize your valuable contributions. THANKS!

[Antonio]

Critique for Michael

1. Line by line on the first page.

001 SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – BACKYARD OF A HOUSE – DAY

002 ACTION: A boy’s fingers hold a pair of coke-bottle eyeglasses, it’s lens magnifying a splinter stuck deep into a cat’s paw. The cat hisses in pain.

COMMENT: perhaps “…its lens magnifying…” no “it’s”

SUGGESTION: An early introduction of adorable Waldo may add some clarity.

COMMENT: Nonetheless, good use of action to introduce, reveal character traits.

003 DIALOGUE: WALDO (O.S.)

Ouchie, Mr. Pudding Cat. Crazy, one little prick…stops the world.

COMMENT: Good use of dialogue to introduce, reveal character traits.

004 ACTION: The magnified eye of adorable 10-year-old WALDO KATZ takes up half his face.

005 DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)

But I can help!

006 ACTION: Kneeling,

COMMENT: Good use of dialogue, action to introduce, reveal character traits.

006 ACTION: Waldo gently pulls the splinter out with tweezers.

007 DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)

I wrote you a prescription: look before you leap.

COMMENT: Do we need more action from Waldo? Does he pat the kitten or wink at him?

008 ACTION: The relieved cat licks his paw, then springs into a bush.

009 ACTION: Waldo notices a tiny plume of smoke rising before his eyes. He looks down and sees a lens converting sunlight into a concentrated sunbeam that’s burning a dried, withered leaf.

COMMENT: Was that his own magnifying glass?

010 DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)

Whoa!

011 ACTION: Waldo repositions, laying stomach down on the ground.

012 ACTION: Playing with the angle and distance of the lens to the leaf, he uses solar ignition to generate a tiny flame.

013 DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)

Cool!

014 ACTION: An ant meanders into the sunbeam and fries to death.

015: DIALOGUE: WALDO (CONT’D)

Oh, god, no! Poor little ant!

COMMENT: I already like Waldo!

016: ACTION: Waldo weeps, guilt ridden.

017: SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. SPACE

018: ACTION: The familiar view of Earth.

019 DIALOGUE: FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)

We’re headed towards armageddon. It’s inevitable.

COMMENT: Should “armageddon” be capitalized?

2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.

The opening scene consists on the introduction of the protagonist and how his life project started out of a magnifying glass producing solar ignition. The opening scene uses strategies like anticipatory dialogue, as well as action and dialogue to reveal character.

The opening scene, fits into “setup/twist” with a touch of “trick opening,” as from the synopsis, we know that the good guy will eventually reveal as the real bad guy and the bad guy as the good guy.

Does the introduction of Waldo need something more than the fact that he is an adorable boy? Would a voiceover help?

NARRATOR (V.O.)

It is ironic that in his first 10 years of life no one had noticed the genius of Waldo, including his good heart and interest to help humanity. Waldo could have been named successor of Newton or Einstein, the world savior, or perhaps… ‘something’ else!

The twist consists on Ratliff, the potential investor who switches sides and threatens Waldo to death unless he abandons clean, sustainable energy research.

3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.

The inciting incident consists on the sabotage of Waldo’s demo, which kills his partner and leaves Waldo’s eyes damaged for life. This opening leaves us with questions that make us want to read further:

Will Waldo abandon his lifetime project? What will happen with his research? Will Ratliff steal Waldo’s technology? Will the bombshell lose interest on Waldo? Will Ratliff steal the bombshell by offering to finance her next movie, too?

There are some unclear details, like: Who financed Waldo and partner building the space station with the 10 magnifying lenses? Is it that from the very start, Waldo and partner are too greedy (they only want to sell 10%) and want the big profits for themselves?

4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages. We won’t be critiquing page 2 – 10 line by line.

— In the dialogue:

BOMBSHELL

What if there was a way to produce clean energy, cheaply and sustainably, without harming the planet?

Unless the intent was to rhyme “sustainably” with “cheaply” (which sounds wacky-wacky funny-suitable and I like it), you may probably consider: What if there was a cheap and sustainable way to produce clean energy without harming the planet?

— Perhaps spell MR. RATLIFF all in capitals in: Mr. Ratliff, an American businessman, sits watching the video. This is the first time the character appears.

— The big chunk of dialogue where Ratliff makes his offer, perhaps could turn into a fun action-reaction sequence with Waldo showing fear, surprise, denial, etc. after each idea proposed by the investor, and finally, Waldo ending up overwhelmed.

— Delete one “down” in: I can’t believe I just turned down him down.

— This phrase is not very clear, you may consider to delete it: Investors to help get this thing built and adopted. Then we’ll sell it.

— The eye damage section was a bit confusing, but perhaps the dialogue where WALDO says: I hear you in front of me, but I cannot see you; followed by the line about being able to see Anmuth out of the corner of his eye, gives an opportunity to explain what kind of eye damage he suffers now, as if he was explaining this to the bombshell.

WALDO

I hear you in front of me, but I cannot see you

BOMBSHELL

B-but you can see Anmuth out of the corner of your eye!

WALDO

Exactly. I am afraid my eyes have been damaged. This is called…

Hope this helps, Michael!

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Critique for Dev Version 2

1. Line by line on the first page.

FADE IN:

001 SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – LATE SUMMER NIGHT

002 ACTION: A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home. A window in the basement leaks light from a TV. The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.

COMMENT: USING DRAMATIC DEVICES TO CREATE ENVIRONMENT AND ATMOSPHERE

003 DIALOGUE: TV NEWS (O.S.) (Marchers’ chants) Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us!

COMMENT: THIS MAKES US AWARE OF THE WORLD HE LIVES IN

004 SCENE HEADLINE: INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT

005 ACTION: CLAY CAINE sits in near dark watching the TV.

006 DIALOGUE: CLAY Those sons of the devil.

007 ACTION: Sudden wind blasts slam tree branches against his home.

008 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot!

009 ACTION: Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.

010 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Aw… Jesus…

011 ACTION: Distraught, Clay drops his head into his hands.

012 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…

013 ACTION: WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force the TV blacks out. Clay sits in the dark.

014 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Fuck.

015 ACTION: Clay rampages through the dark room, destroying anything he can find.

016 DIALOGUE: CLAY (CONT’D) Fuck, fuck, fuck, Fuck!

COMMENT: THE OPENING SCENE USED METAPHOR (THE BREEZE TURNING INTO STRONG WINDS DESCRIBING CHANGE, SOCIAL UNREST, CONFLICT) AND THE DIALOGUE AND ACTION REVEALED CHARACTER TRAITS (BELIEF, HIS PERSPECTIVE ON THE WORLD, HIS IMPULSIVE REACTION)

2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.

The opening scene consists on the introduction of one half of the protagonist, which is interesting, as there is another half, an equivalent protagonist in a different or parallel dimension. The introduction not only uses dialogue and action to reveal subtext, but also employs contrast between the parallel versions of the protagonist to describe and make us want to know more about these characters.

The synopsis references to the multiverse (Or is it another multiverse? Meaning that contrary to our old fashioned understanding of a universe, there is now an idea of a multiverse, and even more, here we get the assumption that there might be multiple versions of the multiverse, and that might be the reason why the noun is written in plural, “multiverses”)

The twist at the end of the 10 pages, consists on the protagonist’s wife skin turning from white into black, leaving us hooked in a way like no other story since the Matrix did a couple of decades ago. This is a new intriguing approach on the ‘real world’ and about the way how things work in there… or is it here?

3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.

The opening leaves us with questions that make us read further:

Clay seems to be thrown away and yet, there is a new form of the problem ready to carry on — just like a virus that mutates over and over, a problem that is hard to erradicate. Irony unfolds when the white supremacist comes to rely on virtues like endurance, positive attitude, trust, family support, etc., to continue. The other half of the protagonist relies on being appointed by the divine, like emperors and rulers in many cultures have done for centuries.

4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages. We won’t be critiquing page 2 – 10 line by line.

The 10-page consists on a mix of contrast opening with a touch of plunge into a unique world. A very smart approach. A page-turner. Well done.

Hope this helps, Dev!

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Sure! We can “make one more day,” Michael!

I am up for it while putting together the first draft for next module.

[Antonio]

Hi Dev!

Thank you for these comments. All your assumptions are right, so I have no doubt that those parts that confused you need some further development. Well, WOW, some of your assumptions are even the same as the notes I added to myself when designing the scenes. Like the scruffy fitness room in contrast to the perfectionist trait of the character.

You are giving me great suggestions here. VERSION 3, here we go!

[Antonio]

Critique for ALICE

Dear Alice,

It’s been a while since I read your work, and so I can tell that you have reached a new personal level, which means progress, which means: keep it up!

The main difference between the previous time and this one is about the structure of your sentences and clarity. It does not mean this is the best you should aim for, but if you keep going, you will get to the level that you want to be.

Here are my notes:

1. Line by line on the first page.

Miropolis. Separation. First ten pages, Version 2

001 TRANSITION: FADE IN:

002 SCENE HEADING: INT./EXT. INNER WORLD INSIDE OF HUMAN AS DIGITAL REPRESENTATION – OUT OF TIME

———————————-

SUGGESTION: Perhaps like this…

1. Follow the format of regular slug lines:

INT. VIRTUAL REALITY — HUMAN BODY SIMULATION — DAY

2. DAY or NIGHT: The virtual reality experience is happening at some point of the day or night. The sun or moon might not show up, but it might be relevant to clearly show the coherent progression of the story, when this scene happens, the order of the beats. Having said so… I just consulted David Trottier’s Screenwriter’s Bible and it says that in space, there is no day/night difference, so it could be omitted.

3. The INT./EXT. might not be applicable as the action happens indoors as far as I can see.

———————————-

003 ANNOTATION: SUPERIMPOSE: Artificial nano-death. Test 43-157.

004 ACTION: LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left.

———————————-

COMMENT: Suggest revision for clarity. What is LIFE STREAM? Is it LIVE STREAM, like a broadcast?

SUGGESTION:

Blurry image adjusts until it comes into focus. Screen shows a narrow pathway.

System Messages display on screen. Letters cascade left to right as if typed at high speed.

ON SCREEN MESSAGES: [Note: this is a scene heading format]

STREAMING VIDEO SIGNAL (beat) ON (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]

STREAMING VIDEO QUALITY (beat) NORMAL (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]

CAMERA DIRECTION: (beat) FORWARD (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]

[Note: format as description or Final Draft: Action]

3D geometric objects approach. They represent [complete phrase] in the blood stream

Camera moves up. Allows 3D objects to pass underneath. Camera returns to previous level.

Camera approaches a JUNCTION

ON SCREEN MESSAGES: [Note: this is a scene heading format]

JUNCTION AHEAD (beat) SELECT PATH (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]

YOUR SELECTION: RIGHT (R) / LEFT (L)….[Note: format as dialogue]

YOUR SELECTION: LEFT… PROCEEDING (beep) [Note: format as dialogue]

———————————-

005 ACTION: Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.

———————————-

COMMENT: Suggest revision for clarity.

SUGGESTION: Video shows a BLOCKADE on the selected path.

ON SCREEN MESSAGES: [Note: this is a scene heading format]

LEFT PATH NOT OPERATIONAL. REQUESTING NEW COMMAND [Note: format as dialogue]

[Note: format as description or Final Draft: Action]

A command window opens. User enters command “PROCEED INTO OPEN”

Window closes. A gray digital wall engulfs the screen. FREEZES.

After a couple of seconds…

CRACKS… the digital wall is compromised… COLLAPSES

Video stream displays a new, open landscape.

———————————-

006 ACTION: Vision in slow motion floats up into grey space.

———————————-

SUGGESTION: Video fades into gray.

———————————-

007 DIALOGUE: QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)

What new qualities did you acquire?

———————————-

NOTE: TYPO “VOIE” suggest to review into “VOICE”. Add space between VOICE and (V.O.)

COMMENTS:

1. Is it perhaps “QUESTIONING MALE”? Could it be “MALE TRAINER” and “FEMALE TRAINEE”? Note that these characters were not introduced at all. For the sake of clarity, it is strongly suggested to provide details.

2. Although the scene is intriguing, it is hard to find the connection between the opening scene and the inciting incident.

3. Who are these two people? Are these questioning male and female characters somehow related to the story? Because the protagonist should be ideally introduced in the first couple of pages, and the opening scene has specific functions, having two characters using so much space is hard to justify.

———————————-

008 DIALOGUE: ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)

I can move walls apart!

009 SCENE HEADING: EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY

———————————-

SUGGESTION: EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL BUILDING — DAY

———————————-

010 ACTION: Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.

———————————-

SUGGESTION: An old-fashion residential building with a large shallow pool on the roof.

———————————-

011 ACTION: Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.

012 ACTION: Hands detach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.

———————————-

SUGGESTION: A man detaches it from the fishing line. He is [CHARACTER NAME] [DESCRIPTION]

———————————-

013 DIALOGUE: JUDGE (O.S.)

That is a FISH! He caught it!

———————————-

SUGGESTION: Perhaps, for the sake of clarity, the characters could be introduced before they say their lines.

———————————-

014 ACTION: Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.

015 SCENE HEADING: INT./EXT. PLANE IN THE AIR – DAY

016 ACTION: Flat screen with digital image showcasing miniature plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water surface from one shore to another.

2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.

• The opening scene consists on an introduction to virtual reality simulation, which is apparently not quite related to the rest of the 10 pages.
• The opening scene could be improved if the protagonist and the unique world were properly introduced.
• In addition, there were other characters introduced, but their connection with the story and relevancy are not quite apparent.
• The twist is not quite evident. Is the missing file envisioned as the twist?

3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.

• The inciting incident is the disappearance of Kiat, the love interest of the protagonist. Because we still have not been properly acquainted to the protagonist and even less to the antagonist, the level of engagement is limited.
• A way to improve this is to review the outline and brainstorm on scenes that reveal who the characters are and why we should care for them.
• Those scenes could substitute the current virtual reality opening scene as this does not contribute to the structure of a great opening.

4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages. We won’t be critiquing page 2 – 10 line by line.

• I noticed that the weight switched from a focus on sci-fi to thriller and probably that is not a bad idea, but it could be improved.
• The number one issue with the change is that now Miropolis does not seem to be the extraterrestrial, sci-fi world that sci-fi fans (we) are looking for. Miropolis is too similar to year 1990 planet Earth! The problem with that is that it is TOO CLOSE to our era. There are old fashion buildings, people need to take taxi and be physically present to solve a simple corrupt file problem and even… printing! The planes fly but they still shake due to turbulence.
• The sci-fi world does not need to be totally futuristic. Take Avatar for example. The world is pretty primitive, but there are contrasting differences with our world. The “advanced” technology is provided by Earthlings. In the Fifth Element the hero is a taxi driver, but hey, they need no roads, uh?
• By the way, have you taken the Thriller course with ScreenwritingU? Go to listen the Free-Class-Friday series, there are at least two of those free classes dedicated to that course and help you understand what it takes to write a thriller. The good thing is that Hal has already developed the program for anyone to learn about this. One took place last Friday.

Hope this helps, Alice! I cheer for you!

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Dear Kate, thanks! “Eres buena como el pan” to say the least. Your questions made me reflect on some relevant issues about the story. For the record, I am a Chinese martial arts coach trained in a university in China and so, like Parisa in this story, I have learned the difference between being a ‘fighter’ and the lifestyle of the ‘martial arts’. More on that with a cup of wine in the future. 👍

[Antonio]

Alice, thanks for your comments. I will be taking action upon them right now. Later tonight, I will be reviewing your newest version. It is a pleasure to read your sci-fi work. Yes, I am a Chinese martial arts coach. Probably, we can collaborate and figure something out for your fighting scene. Let me know!

[Antonio]

Thanks for the detailed notes, Cameron. I always wonder how much description is enough and considering that it is easier to cut than to add, I tend to write more than what cinematic conventions allow. Reading your work, I also noticed how brevity has contributed to clarity, readability, and emotional impact. Much appreciated! 🤗

[Antonio]

Critique for CAMERON

Hey, Cameron! Sorry for taking longer than anticipated. It is not easy to catch issues in your writing at this stage.

1. Line by line on the first page.

001 SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. SPACE NEBULA [nice job]

002 ACTION: in the visage of snarled teeth glitters RED. [nice job]

003 ACTION: A green PLANET sails through the vast black between the stars. [nice job]

004 SCENE HEADLINE: EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT [nice job]

005 ACTION: Acid rain SHOWERS a grey windowed slab, with spires of black clouds mixing with the green skies above. A massive ship sleeps next to the structure. [nice job]

006 SCENE HEADLINE: INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT [nice job]

007 ACTION: Walls once white are COATED in splotches of maroon BLOOD. [nice job]

008 ACTION: SCREAMS and GUN BLASTS argue over each other as… [nice job]

009 ACTION: SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his twelve year old son, Isaiah, and a baseball bat with two electric nail guns taped to the end. – Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him. [nice job]

010 ACTION: Meanwhile, Isaiah, kicks against Sully. [More comments on this in the following sections]

011 DIALOGUE: ISAIAH (coughing)

You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!

COMMENT: If his throat hurts and has difficulty breathing, a shorter phrase might be a better fit for this scene. Like: Stop! You make me…(wheeze) worse!

012 ACTION: A man dressed in a TACTICAL SPACE SUIT runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises a futuristic SHOTGUN. [nice job]

013 ACTION: Sully drops Isaiah to the ground… [nice job]

014 ACTION: Grips his bat with both hands… [nice job]

015 ACTION: And SWINGS it into the head of the spaceman… [nice job]

016 ACTION: Leaving two nails EMBEDDED into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent SKULL. [nice job]

017 ACTION: Isaiah struggles to catch his breath, whooping from every expulsion of air. [nice job]

018 ACTION: Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.

COMMENT: This line is extreme and dramatic, but considering the crisis, I wonder how believable is that a 12-year-old refuses to be protected. It is perfect in terms of adding difficulties to the problem that Sully must solve, but I wonder if there was a more realistic situation.

2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.

The opening scene consists on the introduction of the protagonist and his son through action and a non-linear strategy, using a mix of an intriguing scene from another part of the movie, combined with a description of a unique world and even an ounce of a trick that leaves us wondering if the opening scene was only a dream.

We see a man surrounded by extreme danger and willing to give it all for his son. The character Sully appears as a resourceful man (produces a makeshift breather out of kitchen tools) and caring father who has done mistakes, some of which damaged his son’s trust in him. Sully is willing to do whatever it takes to save the day, his son, and their relationship.

The twist consists on a situation that integrates several of the different types of changes to the story pattern:

• Something planned for doesn’t happen: people have died, but doctors are still not doing their job to prevent a new outbreak.
• A new problem occurs / A mistake returns to haunt them: Sully’s wife died during a previous outbreak and while there is already a new suspected case of infection in the colony, the doctors remain in denial.
• A lie is uncovered: the manager wants to keep the government (the Hegemony) happy, so he is for covering the truth.
• New consequences emerge / A trust is violated: the manager threatens Sully about not messing up with his boss political interests or Sully may loose his child.
• Are the opening and twist disjointed from each other? Not for me. Whether as a dream or foresight, the action sequence is intriguing and does a good job in describing / selling Sully’s characteristics and flaw(s). This fits well with the manager interview, creating a sense of cause-consequence relationship between the two sections.

3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.

The inciting incident happens when Sully argues with the mother of a possible infection case, which goes beyond his field of duty in engineering, Sully tries to conduct a medical examination to keep the colony safe—

Having read some of the previous versions of the story, I appreciate the increasing level of clarity and brevity that produces a deeper sense of engagement with the story and rooting for the characters. Sully stepping into the medical area is extreme and effective.

Some new concerns include:

Is the description through voiceover and action enough for us to know that Isaiah is an aspie kid? How much more could be said or added without creating an explicit exposition, an on-the-nose kind of dialogue?

Previous versions displayed Sully as a man who usually goes beyond the call of his duty, and does whatever is needed to get things done. This version is by far superior in clarity and simplicity than the previous ones. Yet, when Sully comes to argue with the mother, there might be two possible issues:

1. How do we know that the woman is the mother of the possible infected child? It was not apparent for me until the line “And your son could kill us all if he’s infected.” I read the description, but I did not see it in my head without the description, so I thought to raise a flag for you to double check in case it was not only me.

2. In such a highly technological environment, how believable it could be that non-medical staff gets into the system and conducts a medical examination? Possible answer: Sully is a hacker. And so, my next question is: what are the legal consequences?

The manager seems to find it normal that someone is able to operate the medical system without login or password, and instead of going by the book and implementing the “rules for those who tamper with equipment,” he calls it a mockery, plays it by ear, and figures out a penalty that could hurt Sully. If that was intended to show how unqualified and corrupt the manager is… it worked. Yet, the question about “believable or not” still remains.

4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages.

A. The first ten pages are full of highly relatable situations that easily connect with our experiences during the pandemic. Improvised, unqualified, unprepared, selfish individuals running their own agendas, making irreversible mistakes that with time, they all add up to catastrophe.

B. I trust that you have had more contact with Aspie kids than I have, or you surely have done some research on Aspie kids characteristics and so, you are more qualified to judge Isaiah’s actions and speech. The only Aspie girl whom I ever met was quit withdrawn and not so able to articulate her emotions and ideas. But I do not mean to generalize. This version shows Isaiah more vulnerable, unaware of things, and relatable. Yet, I wonder if the child appears too cool in the middle of the crisis that surrounds him. Not to mention the shootings, people screaming in horror and pain, things blowing up nearby, and his dad fighting to dead to protect him; Isaiah seems kind of fearless and just concerned about his throat.

C. When I compare this with the previous versions, I realize how misleading the father-son relationship used to be. In previous versions, Sully appeared kind of neglecting his son of time and affection. In the current version, Sully’s voiceover brings us from wondering if he was divorced to the realization that his wife is dead and so, his journaling helps reveal character subtext. Anyway, his feelings for his son are apparent and the manager’s threat connect in a way that the stakes get higher.

Hope this helps! This is a timely story, Cameron. Like Christina Aguilera’s song says: It keeps getting better.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Critique for KATE

1. Line by line on the first page.

00A MISSING HEADLINE: FADE IN:

00B HEADLINE: A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON

SUGGESTION: Perhaps the headline should follow the convention: EXT. [NAME OF THE TOWN] — A PEACEFUL FIELD… etc

01 ACTION: A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.

SUGGESTION: Perhaps, follow a pattern that first describes where we are and then, what happens, followed by details. Like this:

A dirt track with a stand of oak trees. [First line. This is where we are]

An old school bus drives up the road and parks by the trees. [This is what happens and then…] The bus is brightly painted red, white and blue. It carries a load on the roof and a small trailer that is also packed high. [These details help introduce your character(s)]

02 ACTION: Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

SUGGESTION: Add space and apostrophe: “Seven young people (20’s) emerge…

03 ACTION: Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.

04 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: Out of the bus comes SHAUNN, a 23 year-old Asian-American man with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.

05 DIALOGUE: SHAUNN Come on Nia. Just get up and come out here.

COMMENT: [punctuation: use comma] Come on, Nia.

06 ACTION: He stops and leans in.

07 DIALOGUE: SHAUNN (CONT’D) Good girl! See? Better, right?

08 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, half-black-half-white, steps onto the bottom step.

COMMENT: I said this before, but I will say it again. Your characters are so multi-cultural! There is so much beauty in the way you describe them.

09 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f***’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.

COMMENT: Same as above. What an introduction for the protagonist! A vulnerable human, who is an ELF of a woman, but she is disguised in regular PJs decorated with black puppies. Awesome!

10 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: A weave of wild, dreadlocked reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.

11 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION: She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass. Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.

2. Overview of the opening scene along with the twist at the end.

The opening scene consists on the introduction of the protagonist. The twist consists on Nia changing sides. She gets closer to Darrogh while she becomes distant from Luciana and the town people.

3. An opinion about the value of the Inciting Incident.

The opening leaves us with questions that make us read further:

Will Nia discover the type of man his father is? Will she turn against her friends in the theater company and the town? How will Luciana get Nia out of Darrogh’s grip?

4. Overview of the rest of the 10 pages. We won’t be critiquing page 2 – 10 line by line. But you’ll still want to make it as good as you can so people fall in love with your story.

• The opening is currently 26 pages long. It would be important to flesh out this section, so that it becomes a 10-page work with the identified structure and characteristics of great openings.
• The story opening could fit well into the INSTANT CONFLICT model. In the words of Hal:
• “The key here is to make the opening about an ESSENTIAL conflict for your story. Then find a way to express it that has substantial meaning.”
• The scene with Luciana at THE MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO could work well as Instant Conflict on page one, followed by the arrival of the old school bus, the social gathering where a shortened conversation between Luciana and Nia happens, and then Nia visiting the house where the inciting incident takes place.

Here are some suggestions for the Mexican style hacienda patio scene:

EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING

SUGGESTION: Remember to use standard headline conventions

01 ACTION: In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.

SUGGESTION: Describe the outdoor cooking area. Better include the location in the slug line. NOTE: If the first thing was a establishing shot on the hacienda and then a close the dog while Luciana (O.S.) speaks on the phone, it would be so cute/entertaining even for non-Spanish speakers who could get the idea of what’s happening by watching the dog’s reactions.

02 CHARACTER INTRODUCTION: LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.

COMMENT: This description smells like corn. I mean, it feels, it smells so authentic, like the corn tortillas that I miss so much on this side of the world.

03 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA

Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!

COMMENT: A 50 year-old Spanish speaking woman with Mexican background would say one of these:

“¡Si, si! ¡El es imposible! ¡Es un hijo de la fregada!”

“¡Si, si! ¡El es imposible! ¡Es un hijo de la que lo trajo!”

04 ACTION: She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.

05 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA

Siempre en ese sombrero malvado. Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Si,estoy haciendo tortillas.

SUGGESTION: Sí, sí. Y siempre trae su sombrero de villano. Ah y déjame decirte que se siente soñado. Yes, it´s an ugly villain´s hat. Sí, estoy haciendo tortillas. ¿Tú gustas? ¡Claro, muy a la orden! [The last couple of phrases mean: “Would you like some?” “Of course, they’re here ready for you” which leads to the idea: “Of course, come eat tomorrow and we’ll make a plan.”]

06 ACTION: She laughs.

07 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA

Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.

SUGGESTION: ¡Claro que sí! Come eat mañana y hacemos un plan.

08 ACTION: She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.

09 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA

No para ti – vete!

SUGGESTION: No. No son para ti. ¡Sácate!

[That expression “¡Sácate!” is chiefly Latin American and it is funny when you think that it means “get out” but it literally translates as: “Get yourself out” Ha-ha!]

10 ACTION: The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.

11 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA

No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.

12 ACTION: As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.

13 DIALOGUE: LUCIANA

Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.

COMMENT: This is where the INSTANT CONFLICT is presented using ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE and why this scene could make a great opening, first page, for the story.

SUGGESTION: “Adiós por ahora” sounds too rude for a Mexican lady. They usually express that they don’t want to let you go by saying good-bye a hundred times before ending a phone conversation. Like: “Como no. Clara que sí. Mañana, entonces. See you then. Muchos besos. Hasta luego. Bye.” If she did’t say at least this much, it would feel cold and impolite.

14 ACTION: She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.

COMMENT: If this was the opening scene, at this point, we would know that there is a conflict between Darrogh and Luciana, that Luciana is not alone in her fight against Darrogh, and we would be ready to meet the protagonist on page 2. This would help us to care more for Nia, the vulnerable, wonderful young girl who… “Oh, no! She doesn’t know what she’s getting into!”

Hope this helps, Kate!

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Absolutely yes, Cameron! I will do that tonight while I wait for the Free-Class-Friday (at 3:00 AM local time!)🤓

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Hey Cameron:

1. Description. This is already so good that I hesitate to make any suggestions, but because our task is to work “until nothing can be further improved,” let me at least point out where I think your skill may have some opportunities.

2. The acid rain showers a *spiring* [*spiraling* (?)] industrial space station.

3. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps *where jungle once blanketed the landscape*. [… where only a swath of stumps remains to evidence the jungle landscape past (?) — it may sound the same, but somehow this one may suggest more of a cinematic tone. Not sure, though.]

4. There are three elements that help creating anticipation and suspense. Good job:

· Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

· Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.

· Isaiah coughs harder, his mouth opening wider and wider until… the seams of his mouth start to tear and draw blood.

4. To the question “what would a [character type] do or say in [situation], I wonder how much a 10-year-old Aspie like Isaiah would react by pushing his dad away, considering that the little boy is too weak to fight and that he is in the face of death.

5. Likewise, the dialogue “You killed me! You killed me and I’m going to die!” I am unsure, yet, I trust you have researched into the Aspie’s traits and you are using this to describe the relationship between a father like Sully, who did not want to have children in first place, and his autistic son. I have not had direct contact with Aspies. I’ve heard that they may display some aggressive reactions, but I am not hundred percent sure to what extent this would be the reaction of the boy under the circumstances.

6. The character description: “SULLY, who’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years. He maintains a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. * Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love. *

Perhaps a way to eliminate the question “Why is he here?”:

· [* He is part of this project simply because he loves making things work more than making love * (?)]

· [* He is part of this real-life Lego puzzle-like project simply because he loves making things work more than making love * (?)]

· [* He is part of this large-scale home planet improvement project simply because he loves making things work more than making love * (?)]

Hope this helps!

Antonio

[Antonio]

WOW! Cameron, I owe you. Not only you wrote valuable feedback, but also gave me moral support when the platform prevented me from posting the assignment.

Now, after reducing the amount of text (your theory was right) and following your feedback, I produced my V3 above and the post went through.

Basically, I simplified the anchors dialogue and included a memory flash that reveals the protagonist flaw. Something that got deleted in the V2 that I sent you, but after reading your comments, I realized how important it was to include it in here.

I am double checking the feedback that I drafted for you and I will post/email it to you this afternoon. Thanks again!

Antonio

[Antonio]

Sent. Thanks again, Cameron!

Where can I find the latest version of your assignment for feedback?

Oh, I think I found it. Is V3 the newest one?

Antonio

PS. You might be right. My replies to your messages are going through, so most likely, it’s the length of the posting what is causing the problem.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

I am, Cameron. Thanks for asking!

The problem is that the platform does not allow me to post my assignment. How can I send it to you?

[Antonio]

Hey, Kate! Wait up! If wine is going to be part of this… make it TWO glasses, one on my behalf! Haha! Now seriously, hope those comments help.

I went to read one of your early postings and found that you had more complete descriptions of the characters. I like the diversity that you envision in the community. Nia’s mother was African-American, while the Mayor is Latina, and Min and his mom are Chinese, and so it goes.

Keep it up!

Antonio

[Antonio]

Dear Kate,

This is exactly like Christina Aguilera’s song… “It Keeps Getting Better!” you don’t know how much I enjoyed reading through your outline. To avoid a very long posting, I am including only comments and suggestions, OK?

CONCEPT/LOGLINE:

A young actress finds that her recently found long absent father wants to destroy a small town that represents her values – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a loving father.

ANTONIO: Through this text, I see the protagonist, the antagonist, the conflict and the dilemma. I can see the movie.

ANTONIO: The section: “ultimately joining them in a ‘sting’ operation and putting on a live ‘tell all’ public theatre performance” might be too detailed and leading us away from the essence. You may want to think about it.

ANTONIO: Perhaps it would be a good idea to brainstorm on ways to elevate the phrase: “a small town that represents her values”

“…a small town that she loves”

“…a small town where she finds a sense of belonging”

“…a small town where she finds a sense of identity”

[You may want to produce more ideas here…]

CHARACTER STRUCTURE

ANTONIO: [CHECK SPELLING] Protragonist-Antagonist

LEAD CHARACTERS

ANTONIO: The suggested format may help clarify this section

[Who (name)] + identity + what they do in the story

Nia + a young actress + who becomes a powerful adult facing her long absent father

Darrogh + a billionaire + is Nia’s long absent father, who wants to destroy…

Luciana + small town mayor + is the one who tells Nia the truth of her history

MAIN CONFLICT

ANTONIO: Probably, identifying the type of conflict as “fantasy against reality” and describing it as: Nia’s father is not Nia’s childhood-idealized image of him, but rather a selfish, cold-hearted man who wants to destroy the small town where Nia finds a sense of identity (?).

DILEMMA:

ANTONIO: In this section, you need to give us TWO OPTIONS, and none of them should be perfect. The protagonist sacrifices something no matter what she choses.

One option could be: To forgive her father and look on a different direction while he destroys the small town [Nia could take this option, hoping to make her father change in the future, but at the cost of…]

And the other option could be: To engage in conflict with her father [this option will give Nia a place to land, but at the cost of abandoning her hope of ever having her dream father]

PLOT OUTLINE

INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING

Darrogh, the local [CHECK SPELLING] billioniare.

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] A tour bus of actors set up their campsite. NIA [identify protagonist] tells SHAUN, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees. [ANTONIO: here is the point where you thought to introduce Shaun’s mother subtext, which is great. Be brief.]

INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community. Most of the town people are looking forward to the play, except for Bill, who is suspicious of these ‘alternative’ young theatre people. Mayor Luciana asks Nia a lot of questions.

EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] The Shakespeare show is ending. Darrogh watches Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife.

MEMORY – IMAGE

D sees in Nia his beautiful young wife.

INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION ON PUNCTUATION] Nia meets Darrogh in the post office. He invites her to his house, under pretext of wanting to support the troupe.

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – EVENING

[ANTONIO: I SEE SUBTEXT HERE!] Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her. [ANTONIO: SHOW NO TELL. You could include the brief text message, so we all understand that he doesn’t want to see her.]

INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – LATER THAT EVENING

Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want Nia mixing with the locals, he wants her to himself [ANTONIO: SHOW NO TELL] making her feel special and loved.

INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] Meeting clandestinely, Luciana tells Nia how Darrogh cheated her father out of the family ranch. Nia is uncomfortable and rejects the offer to stay at her place. She believes he is a good person and that she can help him be better because he loves her.

[ANTONIO: “…who left her 15 years ago when she 7.” This could be part of the questions Luciana asks Nia when they first meet. This way, there is less exposition here.]

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

[ANTONIO: Now I see how important is the introduction of Shaun’s mom in the very first scene, so you don’t need to remind us twice about who she is and her name] Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to Min, his Mother…

INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE

[ANTONIO: THIS SCENE COULD BE TRANSLATED TO ESSENCE ONLY] Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week. Bill suggests it is not a bad thing – an argument ensues, Bill leaves, not seeing –

EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP

[ANTONIO: SUGGESTION FOR ESSENCE-ONLY] Nia says she’s not afraid to get to know her father and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. Shaun texts Min to say she can come.

EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON

[ANTONIO: THIS SCENE MAY NEED SOME WORK 1. “SHOW NO TELL” 2. ESSENCE-ONLY] Min arrives to be part of the ‘businessmen’ to meet D one more time. Min and Luciana hit it off. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others and is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy. Nia sees in Min/Luciana comfort level what she fears – her father is right.

[ANTONIO: Reading through these scenes, I was thinking on ways to creatively use the flashbacks. I was thinking that from the moment that Luciana meets with Nia for the first time, she may have feel frightened, as if she had seen the ghost of her mother. Why don’t you write those flashbacks as supernatural encounters between the ghost of the mother and Luciana, using Luciana’s POV?

For example, imagine how much exciting the scene where Nia comes to ask Luciana the truth about her (Luciana’s) relationship with her father and suddenly, in the eyes of Luciana, Nia transforms into her mother.

Then, if it was from Nia’s POV, the scene could turn into a theater stage where Luciana is one of the characters and Nia is directing, acting, or writing the script with her. Just like breaking the boundaries between the narrative’s reality and the characters’ imagination.]

INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE

[ANTONIO: Great. Here it comes the answer to the dilemma] Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story.

[ANTONIO: …the idea OF a play…(?)]

[ANTONIO: The following paragraph may not be needed at this point for the outline essence only. Think about it]

There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.

EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING – (CONTINUOUS) – ON STAGE

[ANTONIO: WOW! Now imagine this scene and the voice over with the supernatural style where past and present, live and dead, reality and imagination just become one]

Nia performs the murder scene from ‘Othello’ with Nia (as Desdemona) looking like Amahla) and ends by calling D out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told.

VOICE OVER

Letter from Luciana telling Nia not to worry about Darrogh, that because she loved Nia’s mother who loved Darrogh and gave birth to Nia, she will find him a place at the ranch she now has back.

[ANTONIO: Hope this helps, Kate!]

[Antonio]

Hello Kate! Thank you very much for your comments. VERY helpful! Lots of food for thought!

Sorry to hear about your dentist odyssey – I’ve been there.

I’m on my way out, but I will take care of your story upon return tonight. Thanks again!

[Antonio]

Hello Alice,

I will focus on Version 1 Part 1 of your story. I like very much how your narrative takes us to a futuristic, techno advanced society and still, it feels like the setting keeps parallels with India or some place on Earth.

The main issue with your outline is that instead of briefly and clearly outlining your story, you still want to keep us intrigued, so the information is often presented in an incomplete or complex way, which ends up distracting or confusing the reader.

A. Concept:

The concept needs further development. As a reminder, our goal is to achieve high concept, which by definition:

1. Is unique.

2. Appeals to a wide audience.

3. Can be said in one sentence and… you instantly see the whole movie.

Concept suggestion:

In an advanced techno society, the massacre of a group of researchers provokes the creation of a new castes system and sets a relentless young scientist to hunt for the assassin.

Or is it…?

When a group of researchers suddenly disappears, a relentless young scientist hunts for the culprit and fights to prevent that a techno-advanced and once inextricable society turns into a new caste system.

B. Plot Choice:

ANTONIO: Three plots are identified. In order to avoid getting the reader confused, one plot should be chosen, made apparent in the outline, and be well identified in this section.

C. Character Structure: Antagonist versus Protagonist

ANTONIO: Are two protagonists needed? Is the selected plot the best choice? When the concept is revised, perhaps the answers to these questions will be apparent.

D. Lead Characters:

ANTONIO: You may not need to identify the leading characters as protagonist 1 and 2. Just follow the suggested structure: who (name) + identity + what this character does in the story. Like in:

Example: Peter Parker (who), a high school student (identity), gets bitten by a radioactive spider and acquires spider powers (what he does in the story)

E. Dramatic Question:

ANTONIO: This section does not identify a question. An example of a dramatic question related to this concept might be: Will the young scientist find out the culprit of the massacre?

F. Main Conflict: “social, in between of castes”

ANTONIO: You may want to focus on describing the conflict that affects the relationship between your protagonist and antagonist. Judging from the information provided, the castes system is the SETTING where the protagonist and antagonist will solve their conflict, but by no means it could be the conflict.

G. Dilemma:

ANTONIO: “Would he find out, who’ve done it from those he works with?” This could fit into the dramatic question, but remember that the dilemma is a CHOICE the protagonist has to make between two options, which are not favorable at all.

H. Theme:

ANTONIO: In here, you may want to focus on the moral of the story, the “with great power comes great responsibility” kind of message. A possible suggestion for your narrative might be: “Humankind is diverse, yet inextricable”

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

ANTONIO: “Protagonist#1 He needs to find out, who’ve done it, and what happened?” You could refer to “protagonist 1” as the young scientist or better off, give him a name. Then, in this section, please explain in what way the protagonist has to change in order to fulfill that need? Will he have to, for example, overcome his fear of snakes? (This is just a classic example from Indiana Jones, of course)

Biggest fear: “His biggest fear is what he sees in Anaupsh’s his lab”

ANTONIO: This idea requires clarification. Because we can’t see what he sees in Anaupsh’s lab, we still don’t know what he is afraid of.

Completion of arc:

His example as martyr changes social structure of the West. For separate-able humanity.

ANTONIO: Same as above, this idea requires clarification.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

ANTONIO: The opening includes too much detail. Go to the essence.

2. Inciting Incident

ANTONIO: This description does not reveal the relevance of the report or how this incident may set the protagonist on the adventure. Please briefly describe the cause-consequence relationship.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

ANTONIO: The script outline needs further development. At this point, it has not revealed to us what the movie is all about.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

His girlfriend is missing amid lab personnel. “ Where is Kiat?”

ANTONIO: The concept mentions a massacre, but here it seems that the researchers were abducted.

5. Mid-Point

ANTONIO: “…to illustrate the case of people missing” Same as above. This is not consistent with the concept described. I formulated a second suggestion for a concept that considers the researchers being abducted first.

Hope these notes help.

[Antonio]

Hello again, Anita – Just a couple of comments about your SLW version 2. Hope this helps.

A. CONCEPT:

A young woman who can’t access an abortion abandons her baby at birth only to learn years later that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her to search for a daughter she never wanted.

ANTONIO: Just a killer HIGH concept. Awesome!

B. Plot: Transformation

ANTONIO: Good selection. Totally agree.

C. CHARACTER STRUCTURE:

Dramatic Triangle:

ANTONIO: I know we should not expect well-developed characters at this point. Just thought to mention that at this stage, the daughter might be leading the plot towards a contrived easy ending without any surprising twists. Give yourself time. Perhaps if you focused on the daughter ‘needs’, ‘wants’, and fears (her emotional issues) and how this all impacts on the relationship with the mother, you will surely produce the powerful narrative that your logline announces.

D. LEAD CHARACTERS:

Danica is a woman with an unwanted pregnancy, and at health risk, who can’t access an abortion because of the state she lives in.

ANTONIO: I know this is a timely fact, but Danica’s past is past. The drama comes from the implications this all produced. Make a collage with this, leave it for backstory, and move on. Start from today, here and now. Unwanted pregnancy and anti-abortion regulation are decades-long issues. Show us. I strongly encourage you to let your narrative speak about the relationship between an unwanted daughter and her mother in the context of a life and dead crisis – the transplant.

E. Dramatic Question:

Should a woman with an unwanted pregnancy be forced to carry a child to term (ANTONIO: add comma here) which puts her own life in jeopardy?

ANTONIO: Your dramatic question might not be focused at the essence of the conflict that your narrative presents. A way to adjust this might be:

“Can an unwanted daughter forgive the mother who abandoned her and save her life?”

F. Main Conflict:

The woman’s health is failing and she needs to find the now-grown daughter for a transplant.

ANTONIO: The woman’s health is failing and… her life depends on her unwanted daughter.

G. Dilemma:

ANTONIO: I strongly encourage you to focus on today’s dilemma… which leads to the relationship among them… which unpacks the drama of the story.

H. Theme:

That there is no one perfect answer to an unwanted pregnancy – that an unwanted pregnancy often leads to an unwanted child.

ANTONIO: Depending on the plot of your story, you may approach this issue from different perspectives, but what I see that transpires from the depth of this narrative is:

“You never know what you have until you lose it.”

ANTONIO: These three characters of yours remind me of Amores Perros and Babel, where the narratives of several apparently independent characters are actually intertwined and deliver a compelling story at the end when all the pieces come together. I cannot wait to see your product on the big screen.

[Antonio]

Hi again, Michael–

Much appreciated. I really enjoyed your comments in “feel-no-think” flow. As a result, the character Philip is going to change in my next version.

As Anita said in one of her comments, it is hard to bring all the nuances of the story in 9 short paragraphs, but thought to mention that I need an athletic girl, because as Cameron early pointed, it would be impossible to make a master of the cage out of a newbie. So I am including a dance component, which I anticipate is going to be entertaining and it is proven effective in actual training in China. Otherwise, by the time she had developed the skill, Bahadur would be dead 🙂

I also included your ideas in the dilemma. The bad guys are playing mental games with the hero. It’s part of the torture. They get to realize this in the first match. It’s going to get dramatic, I promise. Thanks again!

[Antonio]

Hello Michael,

Here is my take on your Version 1.

Would you mind writing some comments for my Version 3? It is Post #4 on this page. Just note that V2 and V3 are one next to the other. Please provide feedback on V3, OK?

TIA

Antonio

===============================

Re: Michael Katz SLW Version 1

A. CONCEPT:

ANTONIO: A possible way to flesh out this section might be:

When a brilliant, narcissistic scientist invents a revolutionary solar energy system to stop global warming, an unknown entity sabotages him – now he seeks vengeance against greedy corporations and politicians.

B. PLOT STRUCTURE: #6. Revenge

ANTONIO: Your line of thinking seems to suggest that Evans might have been responsible for the sabotage. This brings a range of opportunities to your story. Perhaps, the plot selection could switch to “ascending/descending”. Think about it.

E. DRAMATIC CONFLICT/QUESTION —

ANTONIO: Can Victorino make governments install his world saving solar energy system technology?

G. DILEMMA — “Victorino has to choose between fighting for a cause or fighting for himself/proving his power”

ANTONIO: Perhaps the dilemma is not dramatic enough. We need higher stakes here.

H. THEME

ANTONIO: Perhaps — “Greed destroys everything in its wake”. This way, it is not just corporate greed, but also Victorino’s greed that could destroy everything.

I. CHARACTER ARC — “Victorino goes from helpless to stop the powerful to a megalomaniac who has unlimited power to defeat evil.”

ANTONIO: This has two implications. On one side, such a powerful man is invincible, which makes us lose interest because there is no match for him. But if megalomaniac means delusion of power or not having real power, that would give his antagonist, Evans, a chance.

On the other side, I would imagine POTUS laughing at the NAIVENESS of this young man — and that could be the protagonist flaw that the story needs, as well.

BIGGEST FEAR: He won’t be powerful enough to get vindication and vengeance.

ANTONIO: If your protagonist had another flaw, it would give Evans a chance to win and the story would be more appealing. Possible fears could include: losing his reputation, being found inaccurate or less than adequate. You could also run a search for flaws that narcissistic people usually have.

COMPLETION OF ARC: He becomes omnipotent, regarding himself a god with unlimited power to defeat anything/everything

ANTONIO: Again, if Victorino was omnipotent, there is no conflict, no drama, and no story. He would make governments install his system with a snap of his fingers.

I enjoy very much the visual of the boy burning ants and then, the scientist with a massive beam threatening the planet from the international space station.

This story has lots of opportunities. I am looking forward to see the next version.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Hello, Anita!

I was posting my invite for feedback exchange here, but then I found that there is already a version 2. I will comment on that version if you accept my invitation.

Please find my VERSION 3 as post #4 on this page of the forum.

Please note that V2 and V3 are one next to the other, so please select V3.

Antonio

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Awesome questions, Kate! Much appreciated. Back to rewriting now.

[Antonio]

Hi Kate —

I fleshed it out. Let me know.

MMA = Mixed Martial Arts

[Antonio]

Hi Kate. Do you want to exchange feedback with me? My Story Web version 2 is the next after your V2 post… you need to go to page 2 of the forum to read it.

==================

Well, so many people have commented on your SLW and you have put so much work on this awesome story that it is really hard to say anything! Just a couple of suggestions for you:

Concept:

The logline is a bit long for high concept. Perhaps you could flesh it out like this:

A young actress finds that her long absent father wants to destroy a small town that she loves – now she must choose between the community and her longing for a paternal figure in her life.

At the start, a detail that challenged my understanding of the story logic was: how come that the young actress takes the community as family, it is, she must know the community very well, but she had not realized that her father was part of it? I thought that the phrase “finds her long absence father in a small rural town” might have to change, so that the father came from outside the community. But once I read the opening, the idea came clear to me. Anyway, the suggested logline may have already taken care of this detail.

Plot choice:

Having only 9 paragraphs, it is hard to say, but besides “maturation,” other plots that fit are “transformation” and even “sacrifice.” Again, a story can be told in so many different ways! This is definitely your call.

Dramatic question:

A possible way to put the protagonist at the center, might be to rephrase the dramatic question like this:

Will Nia have courage to stand up to her father and help the community save their land?

Dilemma:

I also have a suggestion to identify the dilemma. It still needs some work, but when you read the dilemma this way, you may want to consider the plot “sacrifice”:

After longing for an idealized father figure in her life for many years, Nia now has to confront reality and choose between forgiveness, playing the role of good daughter, or walking away, truly being free of the greedy dictator her father is, and accepting that her long idealized paternal figure is impossible to find.

I would also suggest identifying the theme as:

While secrets often disempower people, knowing the truth frees us

This theme is clearly displayed, in particular, from the crisis on.

Hope this helps!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.

[Antonio]

Much appreciated, Cameron. The numerous examples that you included in your comments are very… EXTREMELY helpful! As the saying goes, writing is rewriting. Here we go! THANKS!

[Antonio]

Hi Cameron!

Would you like to exchange comments? I want to review “Possessing Eden” for a start. Please look for post #13 on Day 8 Forum that’s where my cheerleader MMA fighter SLW is.

— Antonio Flores

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept:

An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

=============

ANTONIO: Probably a way to elevate the concept would be to include the dramatic elements of the story: the journey to the underworld, the defiance to the creator’s order, the quest for the code to revive the victim… This would allow us to see the movie in one sentence and achieve HIGH CONCEPT

=============

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

=============

ANTONIO: I wonder if the plot you describe is suggesting Rivalry, as it is clear that Janus does things that the Creator should do, and performs better than the creator, like rescuing somebody and using the afterlife protocol. Besides, if by the end Janus defeats the creator, who would be the world ruler?

Consider the description of this plot:

8. Rivalry

This plot puts the protagonist against the antagonist in a power struggle. They are equally matched and as one’s power increases, the other’s decreases. This plot is all about who is superior. As they both struggle to prove their superiority, the protagonist faces moral dilemmas.

Usually, the antagonist will instigate the action by making a move to gain superiority over the other. Through a reversal of fortune, the protagonist slowly regains his position to become an equal adversary. At that point, the two square off for the final confrontation.

=============

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

=============

ANTONIO: Because Copy does not seem so relevant, at least judging from the beats, is it perhaps Protagonist versus Antagonist a better option of character structure for this story?

=============

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone to create a copy of herself.

=============

ANTONIO: I like very much that the protagonist is not a human and that you play well with the advanced attributes it has: sense of guilt, the need of redemption, and the dilemma of killing or becoming one with her other side. The phrase may need some revision, though.

The meaning of “unintentionally killing someone to create a copy of herself” may not be apparent to everyone. The phrase “to create a copy of herself” seems to suggest that she killed with intention.

Is it perhaps: “… goes in search of redemption for unintentionally killing someone when she created a copy of herself.”

=============

2. Adam is a computer virus that created the world of the story after feeling rejected by GOD, and who attacks Janus after feeling rejected by her.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that represents Janus’ guilt and tries to manipulate and even destroy her.

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld and tries to heal Janus.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus find redemption?

=============

ANTONIO: This makes sense. However, the story might be appealing to a wider audience if, perhaps, the links to god, heaven, hell, were not explicit, but rather implicit just as metaphors.

=============

F. Main Conflict: Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt).

=============

ANTONIO: Perhaps you could describe the conflict, which I imagine involves Adams being rejected by Janus and how that plays in the triangle with Copy — Why does copy want to manipulate and destroy Janus?

=============

G. Dilemma: To seek redemption by going against her creator, or accept absolution by sacrificing herself to either her creator or guilt.

=============

ANTONIO: Because this is a totally new world for us, it is hard to imagine the consequences of going against a computer-virus-creator or what it means to sacrifice herself to the creator or to Copy. Probably you could expand a bit on that.

=============

H. Theme: Redemption is found within.

=============

ANTONIO: The theme seems to suggest that as long as I can forgive myself, I can be free from responsibility, errors, etc. This idea of redemption may not be transferable to every scenario, or well, might not be easy to accept by everyone in the audience. Besides, self redemption does not seem challenging or hard to achieve.

=============

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness

=============

ANTONIO: Perhaps the appeal of the character would increase if forgiveness came from the party affected by its fault instead of self forgiveness.

=============

<div>

1. (Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

</div>

=============

ANTONIO: This is the introduction of the extraordinary world, the protagonist and the antagonist. Good job!

=============

2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself under Adam’s guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

=============

ANTONIO: It is not clear why Janus has to create a copy of herself.

=============

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

=============

ANTONIO: Exactly! The code! This is what Janus NEEDS to get redemption. This is the QUEST. It deserves to be highlighted in the logline and somewhere in the first 10 pages.

=============

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes.

=============

ANTONIO: Why is the underworld out of boundaries?

=============

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues Calvex, a guide to the underworld, from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart, but Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead.

=============

ANTONIO: “After being promised…” Who made that promise?

=============

7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died, thus prompting Janus to upload him through the Afterlife Protocol, much to the ire of Adam who vows to “do what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

=============

ANTONIO: This victory sounds unrelated to the act of redemption, unless you express it explicitly, for example, “…defeats Adam AND receives the code to revive her victim.”

=============

9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

=============

ANTONIO: The link between the resolution and the triumph of the hero might not be apparent. The resolution should refers us back to the dramatic question: Will Janus get redemption? What happened to the victim? What happened to the code? After Adam was defeated, who will be ruling this world?

This is an exciting story! Now I not only want to read version 2, but I want to see the movie! Hope these ideas help, Cameron!

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• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Antonio Flores.