[Barbara Gilmore]

I might not yet have found the genre that I right best, but I’ve written a TV Pilot and a feature using genres I enjoy watching myself.

Still a WIP but posting what I have…more to follow..

1. My genres are: action thriller (feature Step Out of The Shadows) and crime drama (Three Lakes a TV Pilot).

2. Top movies on action thriller are No Time to Die and Jack Reacher.

Top movies on crime drama are Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and Knives Out and the second movie in the series, Glass Onion (which I’ll watch tonight).

3. I’m doing this from memory as I don’t have time to watch them again except Glass Onion.

4. Genre: Action Thriller; No Time to Die; delivered on the genre conventions by…..

Genre: Action Thriller; Jack Reacher; delivered on the conventions by…..

Genre: Crime drama; Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri; delivered on the conventions by…

Genre: Crime drama: Knives Out: GlassOnion; delivered on the conventions by….

5. What I learned from this assignment….more to follow

[Barbara Gilmore]

I have writing samples I use scenes from my scripts. Perhaps writing samples are different.

I do have an imdbpro page but no credits. No Linkedin page I prefer to have my current career and work which is very different from my film and tv work separate.

Your Writing Sample

1. I received a recommend on coverage that was written for one of my first screenplays, BlindSpot, and I did receive an option offer for that script back in November 2015. However, I turned that offer down on the recommendation of a reputable entertainment lawyer (a free 15 min consultation). She said the contract was full of errors, amateurish, left me with little say despite being from a semi-established producer. I would not have been paid (not even to cover the cost of getting a lawyer to review it on my behalf) until principal photography. I did some research on option contracts and I agreed that it was an amateurish contract lots of errors and circumventing the very basic and standard contract even for a first time writer. Maybe I should have accepted to get the Producer experience. I do sometimes wonder if i made the wrong decision.

I have 2 scripts and one that’s still a WIP.

2. Screenwriting Accomplishments

Some success in lesser known competitions. I also scored highly but no placement this year in Shore Scripts competition.

Three Lakes is in the top 27% of all 100,720 scripts on Coverfly and Step Out of The Shadows is in the top 29%.

Quarterfinalist Fimmatic’s TV Pilot Awards Season 7 (2022) with Three Lakes

Semi-Finalist Filmmatic’s Drama Screenplay Awards Season 7 (2022) with Three Lakes

Quarterfinalist Filmmatic’s Pitch Now Screenplay Season 4 (2022) with Three Lakes

Quarterfinalist Filmmatic’s Inroads Fellowship Season 4 (2021) with Step Out of the Shadows

Quarterfinalist ScreenCraft’s Action & Adventure (2021) with Step Out of the Shadows

Quarterfinalist Fresh Voices (2012) with BlindSpot

UBCP/ACTRA Background Actor since 2013 (background actor since 2010)

3. The Google factor

Google your name. How many items on the first page show you as a professional screenwriter?

Zero.

4. Your Network

How many producers are in your network?How many Connections do you have who are connected to producers?

I’m an ex-colleague and friend of the brother of a well known Scottish Hollywood actor who is also a producer. Although I’m not connected directly I do have friends of friend connections.

5. Education specific to screenwriting

Summer intensive programs at Vancouver Film School as well as several ScreenwritingU courses.

6. Borrowed Credibility

None yet.

7. IMDB CREDITS

No credits but I do have a profile because I’m a UBCP/ACTRA background actor

Barbara Gilmore IV

8. Other forms of credibility that is related to screenwriting:

Between 2010 and 2020 I worked as a background actor on 35 different film and TV productions filmed in and around Vancouver, BC, Canada. My first gig was 50/50 the Seth Rogan movie. My most recent was Away the Hilary Swank Netflix production.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Hi this is Barbara.

I’m bringing in Three Lakes which is my TV Pilot in the upto $100k to $250k range and a 50% finished project Cold Castle in the $1M to $5M range.

The biggest takeaway for me is how much you have to accommodate the Producer’s vision.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Hello everyone,

I’m Barbara Gilmore. I’ve written one feature action thriller, one TV Pilot, and half a horror thriller.

I hope to improve my effectiveness as a marketer and writer by learning as much as I can about the Producer mindset. Ultimately to get my scripts or writing into the hands of those who are interested in the type of material I write and who may wish to hire me.

I work full-time in another profession, but I write scripts and continue to learn in my spare time. I’m also a UBCP/ACTRA Background Actor.

My writing and creativity have improved as a result of Hal and Cheryl’s courses. In the past year, I wrote a Pilot during the Binge Worthy TV course which went on to place in the QFs of 3 competitions and in the SF of one other.

I look forward to meeting everyone and I’m sure it’ll be a great course.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I, Barbara Gilmore, agree to the terms of this release form (see below).

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m using the tools and processes learned during this course to try and fix some of the plot and character weaknesses and elevate the writing of a script I’ve already written.

A WIP I’ll try and post something more substantial this week. In the meantime this is what I have.

Title: Step Out Of The Shadows

Logline: An elite CIA sniper races against time to stop another pandemic.

• Opening 1 to 4 pages: Rachel Gilroy, elite CIA sniper, is ambushed by Chinese snipers during an intelligence meeting with the CIA’s Russian Informant, Serge Ivanov.

• Inciting Incident 10 to 15 pages: Serge Ivanov is left for dead by his boss Natalia Volkova, but before he dies he tells Rachel she must protect a Dr. Steel.

• First Turning Point at end of Act 1 – when she’s chastised for shooting at her father when he turned up at her meeting with Ivanov, her boss, CIA Director Susan Green, also tells her that her father is being investigated for treason. Green wants her to put personal grievances with her father aside and find out why he was at the meeting.

• Mid-Point: A Mark Taylor steals a deadly virus from a local laboratory.

• Second Turning Point at end of Act 2 –– Rachel is now dying having been infected with the virus and has only 1 hour to live.

• Crisis: Rachel has to decide whether to risk Dr. Steel’s life to take out Mark and regain control of the helicopter. Mark throws Rachel from the helicopter.

• Climax: Rachel swims to the yacht in search of her parents and the antivirals that will save her life.

• Resolution: Rachel saves her parents lives, takes out Nick, and finally gets an answer to why her father disrupted her meeting.

• But there’s a twist…

[Barbara Gilmore]

I think with a bit more practice I can improve and get into a rhythm almost to tighten up the scenes.

EXT. LAKE – DAY

Rachel, cold and tired, is ten meters from the yacht when gunfire PEPPERS the water around her.

She ducks underwater, dodging piercing bullets.

EXT. LAKE – DAY

Rachel grabs onto the bow and comes up for air, now hidden from view, she rips off her jacket, and throws it.

She listens to Nick’s CONVERSATION.

NICK (O.S.)

Where’d she go?

NICK’S PILOT (O.S.)

Look, her jacket.

EXT. DECK, NICK’S YACHT – DAY

Nick and his Pilot, binoculars in hand, are standing on the deck.

Nick leans over the side. His POV: Rachel’s jacket is floating away from the yacht

EXT. BOW, NICK’S YACHT – DAY

Rachel treads water.

NICK (O.S.)

(shouts, taunts)

I have the pills and your mom. What do you have for me, agent?

EXT. DECK, NICK’S YACHT – DAY

Nick paces the deck.

NICK’S PILOT

(points)

Look.

Hands the binoculars to Nick.

NICK

Is that what I think it is?

NICK’S PILOT

Should we warn her?

NICK

(amused)

No, stupid.

EXT. BOW, NICK’S YACHT – DAY

Rachel holds onto the bow, the swell of the water lifts her up and down and up. Her POV: a SHARK FIN is gliding towards her.

Rachel, looks for an escape.

NICK (O.S.)

(taunts loudly)

Are you sure you don’t want to join us?

Rachel swims back under the bow.

EXT. DECK, NICK’S YACHT – DAY

Nick leans over the railing.

NICK

(shouts)

We’re done waiting for you.

The shark follows Rachel under the bow.

NICK’S PILOT

(points)

I think she’s dead, boss.

Nick’s POV: thrashing, turbulence, and a cloud of BLOOD. The SHARK quickly swim away.

Nick smirks, turns and walks towards the cockpit.

NICK

Two down three to go.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from doing this assignment is that I’m able to apply lesson 14 to other areas of my script.

Set Up

A deadly virus has been stolen from a local laboratory by Mark Taylor. Rachel Gilroy is trying to stop it’s release.

Pre-Action:

Rachel has caught up with Mark, the deadly virus, and Dr. Steel preventing them from releasing it, but in the process has been kidnapped by Mark and has been exposed to the virus. Without the antivirals she’ll be dead in less than 1 hour.

Action

Rachel finds out she’s infected with the virus and has only 1 hour to live (Shock).

There are anti-virals on board the helicopter. Rachel pushes the helicopter into a death dive in a bid to kill Mark and regain control of the helicopter. That way she can administer the anti-virals that will save her life. However, Mark wakes up and regains control of the helicopter and pushes Rachel out of the helicopter into a cold deep lake below.

Adrenaline.

It just got worse, got better, got worse. Plan fails Plan succeeds, plan fails.

Post Action

Rachel lands in the lake she’s under gasping for air. Then Mark and Dr. Steel need to jump from the helicopter as it lists, explodes, and plunges into the lake.

Rachel took a chance to try and gain control of the helicopter and get the drugs she so needed but has failed.

This is the all is lost moment.

But up ahead Nick’s helicopter appears and drops down to pick up Dr. Steel and Mark who are now in the water. Nick pulls Dr. Steel on board, but shoots Mark and pushes him underwater (TWIST).

Nick’s helicopter continues on to his yacht.

Rachel is able to pull herself out of danger for now and continues swimming towards the yacht in search of the anti-virals that will save her life. (Danger/Anxiety).

INT. MARK’S HELICOPTER (MOVING) – DAY

Mark, annoyed with himself, stuffs his smartphone into his pocket. He looks over at Rachel then out the window.

His POV: flying at four thousand feet the AUSTRIAN COUNTRYSIDE rapidly disappearing behind them to the south the distant peaks of Großes Wiesbachhorn. Rachel looks over at him.

RACHEL

Why are you doing this, Mark.

MARK

Because I want to.

RACHEL

Really? A smart guy like you wants to throw away his life on a whim?

Mark scoffs.

MARK

It’s a highly profitable business.

RACHEL

Doing what exactly?

MARK

That’s your job to figure out.

RACHEL

Who is Dr. Steel, Mark.

Rachel glances at the yellow backpack then at Mark.

RACHEL

You’ve stolen a deadly virus and are endangering billions of lives. You hate your fellow citizens that much.

Mark pushes the gun into the side of Rachel’s neck.

MARK

Shut up and focus.

MARK

(points with gun)

There’s our landing spot.

Rachel’s POV: Nick’s YACHT on the horizon.

Rachel suddenly slams the helicopter into a DIVE, accelerating into the LAKE below.

Mark leans back into his seat, gripping the armrest and accidentally dropping his gun.

In the back seat, Joe is slammed against the door and FALLS out of the helicopter. Melissa remains handcuffed to the back seat.

MARK

What the hell are you doing!

Rachel is enjoying the WHITE KNUCKLE RIDE.

RACHEL

Too trusting and naïve? Or too much of a hero?

Rachel pulls the helicopter UP, SPINS IT, until Mark becomes disoriented and passes out.

Rachel steadies the helicopter then switches on “AUTOPILOT”, handcuffs Mark to the passenger door, removes the yellow backpack from his back, and opens it.

She rummages around the syringe packs, orange and green vials, and pulls out a white rectangular box labelled “Antiviral drugs” and places that carefully onto the dashboard, then puts on the yellow backpack.

She pulls her smartphone from Mark’s pocket, picks up his gun, and slides it into her ankle holster. THROUGH BINOCULARS Rachel searches for the yacht.

IN THE BACKGROUND Mark wakes up and quickly orientates himself. He pulls out a concealed gun from his under-arm holster. He FIRES hitting the ceiling, DEPRESSURIZING the cabin. The ALARMS go off. Mark is pissed, pushes his gun into her face.

MARK

That was quite the ride. Now get me out of these before I kill you.

RACHEL

(holds up her hands)

I’ll just get the key.

Rachel pulls out a gun from her ankle holster and shoots

Mark in the leg. The HELICOPTER suddenly LURCHES and STUTTERS.

The white rectangular BOX flies across the dashboard.

Rachel tries to grab it, Mark FIRES, narrowly missing as she pulls it away. He fires again, Rachel ducks, the bullet narrowly misses Melissa.

Mark fires a third time and hits Rachel’s bandaged shoulder. She reels back in pain and is unable to respond as he reaches over and RIPS the yellow backpack from her.

Mark shoots off his handcuffs then jumps into the pilot’s seat. He brings the helicopter under control, steering it closer to the yacht.

He reaches across Rachel and opens the door, he PUSHES her out, and she FALLS from the helicopter. EXT. LAKE – DAY

Rachel HITS the water about one kilometer from Nick’s Yacht.

She struggles in the currents and is UNDERWATER for what seems an eternity.

Eventually, she kicks harder and swims to the surface.

She’s up for air gasping and spluttering.

It’s WINDY and the water is cold. She’s ALONE, dazed, and reeling from the fall. The bandage on her left shoulder is partially torn, her wound is bleeding again. She drifts in and out of consciousness.

INT. MARK’S HELICOPTER (MOVING) – DAY – MOMENTS LATER

The helicopter begins to LIST.

Mark picks up the white box and stuffs it into the yellow backpack which he puts on around his chest. He grabs a flare and hooks it onto the backpack.

He grabs two life jackets from underneath the Pilot’s seat. He puts one on.

He climbs into the rear seat and unlocks Melissa’s cuffs. She’s awake now. He puts on her life jacket.

He pulls Melissa out of the helicopter with him.

Mark and Melissa PLUNGE into the lake and resurface.

The HELICOPTER falls behind them, HITS the water, and EXPLODES.

EXT. LAKE – DAY

Rachel drifts in and out of consciousness. Her POV: up ahead burning helicopter wreckage bobs on the lake’s surface.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned by using the step 1 and 2 process that my creativity increased and I was able to come up with some ideas that I hadn’t even thought of…

Whether they improve the scene or not I can’t say but the 2 steps helped me to think about the scenes differently and come up with some new ideas…

My example: Mark has just stolen a deadly virus from a local laboratory and Rachel is pursuing him in a helicopter piloted by Dockery. Mark is on the ground in a car and he stops once he gets to a rendeavous point which is a barn way out in the countryside.

• Environment: Country Barn.

• Rules: Rachel has the authority to use as much force as is needed to contain the virus and the villains.

• Villain: Mark has stolen a deadly virus.

• Mission: To stop Mark from leaving the area with the virus

• Struggle: Rachel knows that she might be exposed to the virus and could die.

• Unique Skillset: Rachel is planning to shoot them all.

• Meaning: Each action sequence takes them closer to the leader and his/her attack plan.

• Allies: Dockery in the helicopter.

• Weapon: Guns.

• A. What if…? Rachel is outnumbered…and unaware…her heat sensory binoculars were faulty…

• B. Take to an extreme…The helicopter is armed with a missile…

• C. Specific to character or environment….…there are dangerous animals in the barn…

• D. Shocking or Surprising….Mark is administering the virus…the cat is already dead…and now most of his team are dead so he’s planning to let loose the dangerous animals…

• E. Go opposite….the villains have a rocket launcher…

• F. What haven’t we seen?….Rachel is unaware of the dangerous animals… and now she’s being chased through the woods by an escaped tiger…that’s carrying the virus…and she must kill or be killed…

I added the animals: at the moment the scene is too easy Rachel shoots everyone up and escapes but is then caught by Mark…introducing the dangerous animals is a way to heighten the danger and suspense.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’d like to make my scenes tighter the emotions are spread across several scenes.

Rachel has just caught up with Mark who has just stolen a deadly virus from a local laboratory. She’s on her own except for Dockery watching over her from the helicopter. On the ground Rachel is outnumbered but still confident she can take down Mark and his crew which she does she’s winning but then is caught out in the forest and she loses as Mark kidnaps her at gunpoint.

Rachel is in danger there’s some excitement and adrenaline but perhaps not enough. I’d want to spend a bit more time tightening and elevating these scenes.

EXT. BARN – DAY

Rachel picks up her smartphone “no signal”. She’s pacing, considering her next move when…

EXT. CAR PARK – DAY

The BARN DOOR slowly OPENS. Rachel runs behind a water tank adjacent to the barn.

Seven Consortium SOLDIERS emerge from the barn, each is wearing a small brown backpack and carrying a 10” submachine gun with a silencer.

EXT. BARN – DAY

Rachel readies her gun and walks out from behind the water tank. Cooley and calmly she shoots three of the Soldiers in the hand, they drop their guns, she then shoots them fatally in the head.

EXT. WATER TANK – DAY

The remaining two return FIRE. Rachel takes cover behind the water tank and quickly reloads.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

The remaining two Soldiers run to their cars while FIRING in Rachel’s direction. Rachel shoots each car’s gas tank. EXPLOSIONS erupt across the parking lot killing them.

The remaining two Soldiers run into the FOREST.

Rachel runs after them.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Rachel reaches into her ankle holster and pulls out a hand gun. UP AHEAD she hears someone moving through the forest.

She runs to catch up.

IN THE BACKGROUND: Dockery’s CIA helicopter buzzes overhead.

Suddenly, Rachel is grabbed from behind by Soldier #1. THEY STRUGGLE. She kicks the gun out of his hand. She punches him.

She’s reaching for her gun. He’s on top. She grabs the gun and ROLLS them: BANG. He’s LIMP and bleeding. He’s DEAD. She pushes him off her then stands up and keeps walking when…

A gun CLICKS. Mark is standing behind her with his gun touching the back of her head.

MARK Drop the gun.

Rachel tries to elbow Mark in the stomach, but he backs away, then lunges, grabbing her by the throat and squeezing her in a headlock. She tries to shoot him, but she drops her gun when he squeezes tighter. He picks it up.

MARK

Now that wasn’t so bad, was it.

He searches inside her jacket pocket and pulls out her ID. He looks at it.

MARK

Agent Gilroy, welcome to the party.

He cuffs her. Soldier #3 joins them.

MARK

(pushes her)

Move.

Rachel, Mark, and Solider #3 retrace their steps through the forest towards the BARN.

INT. CIA HELICOPTER #1 (MOVING) – DAY

Dockery pilots. NOSE CAM POV: Rachel, Mark, and Soldier #3 emerge from the forest.

Suddenly, the helicopter’s tail is HIT with a rocket, it SPINS and DROPS to the ground.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Rachel looks up to see CIA HELICOPTER #1 spinning: it lands awkwardly a small fire flares up.

She begins to run towards it, but Mark hauls her back towards a black PICK UP.

RACHEL

What the fuck!

Mark smirks.

MARK

Get in the car.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I haven’t broken this down too much but the scene moves through suspense as Rachel pursues Ivanov, she hears someone being shot, there’s a moment when we know she’s in danger as Volkova and Lev exit the kitchen, then shock as Rachel finds Ivanov dying.

EXT. BAKERY – NIGHT

Rachel quickly approaches. A SIGN in Russian, hangs on the front door: SUBTITLED in English “back in 2 hours”.

INT. BAKERY – NIGHT

FRONT ROOM

Rachel enters and listens: semi-darkness and an eerie silence, tables and chairs are neatly laid out, waiting for new customers.

Angry VOICES from behind a door at the back of the room (the kitchen) cuts through the silence.

Two muffled gunshots then footsteps and the kitchen door is flung open.

Rachel jumps behind the counter and pulls out a hand gun from her ankle holster. (SUSPENSE)

Natalia Volkova and her MInder, Lev, enter. (SUSPENSE)

They speak in RUSSIAN SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH.

Lev stops and listens carefully.

LEV

You hear that?

Lev walks to the counter and leans over. Rachel is tucked under, he can’t see her, but she can smell him.

Volkova smiles broadly.

VOLKOVA

It’s Ivanov’s ghost.

They exit laughing. Rachel runs to the window and watches Volkova walk away: she’s carrying Ivanov’s small black briefcase.

INT. BAKERY – NIGHT

KITCHEN ROOM

Ivanov is lying on the floor barely alive, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth, he’s been shot once in the chest and once in each leg.

Rachel grabs two large dish cloths, kneels down, plugs the wounds to stem the bleeding.

RACHEL

Serge, I work with agent Edwards.

IVANOV

It’s too late.

(coughs up blood)

Volkova has the flash drive and my phone. She found out I was trying

to cut a deal with the CIA.

Ivanov is shaking, losing blood, in pain. He’s drifting in and out of consciousness.

Rachel places her hand gently behind Ivanov’s head and lifts it up to help him breathe.

RACHEL

Tell me about Dr. Steel.

IVANOV

She’s here in Vienna..she’ll find you..please protect her..

Ivanov is staring up at her: he’s dead. (SHOCK)

Rachel lets go of the cloth and closes his eyes. She checks his pockets: empty.

She stands up, grabs her backpack and sniper case, and quickly exits.

The second scene is surprise as Dr. Steel hijacks the car, suspense as we don’t know what’s going to happen to Audrey, then shock as the car rams into them.

EXT. MEDICAL CLINIC, VIENNA – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

A FIGURE loiters inside a doorway adjacent to the clinic.

Melissa suddenly steps out of the shadows.

She’s holding a small piece of paper with the words “Medical

Clinic, 99 Folkestraße wait outside” and a PHOTO of Audrey in her hand.

Melissa’s POV: TOM (40s), Audrey’s driver, holds the BLACK LINCOLN’s rear passenger door open for Audrey.

Tom climbs into the driver’s seat.

INT. BLACK LINCOLN – NIGHT

Melissa brandishing a handgun, jumps in next to a startled Audrey in the rear passenger seat

AUDREY

Can I help you?

Tom in the driver’s seat is watching in the rear view mirror as he reaches into a compartment to the side of the drivers wheel.

TOM

You need to get out of this car right now or I’m calling the

police.

Melissa is holding a piece of paper. She flashes it at Audrey.

MELISSA

Please, Serge Ivanov sends his best wishes.

Audrey is stunned, studies Melissa.

AUDREY

I’m sorry, what?

MELISSA

He told me you were old friends. He said you would help me.

AUDREY

I see.

A BEAT

AUDREY

Tom, it’s okay. This lady is looking for Rachel.

Tom looks concerned.

TOM

Are you sure?

AUDREY

Yes, yes. Take us back to the house, thank you.

Tom places the gun back in the compartment, checks the mirrors, and pulls out.

Audrey turns to Melissa, still brandishing the handgun.

AUDREY

We’re going to drive back to my house. I’ll call my daughter now

and ask her to meet us there. She’s CIA and she will help you.

MELISSA

The CIA daughter. Serge mentioned her. But he said you would be more helpful.

AUDREY

I’d like you to put the gun away first.

Melissa rests the gun on her thigh.

Audrey dials on her smartphone.

RACHEL (V.O.)

(straight to voicemail)

Rachel Gilroy please leave your message after the beep.

AUDREY

Rachel, it’s mom. I have someone here who needs to meet with you

urgently. I’m going..

BANG. The Lincoln is RAMMED by another car.

Audrey and Melissa are thrown forwards, both are knocked unconscious.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned during this exercise was to try and build all three emotions anxiety, fear, and relief into one scene but also across several scenes that follow each other..

EXT. ROOFTOP, HOTEL PSYCHO – TWILIGHT

RACHEL’S BARRETT SCOPE POV: Rachel is watching Edwards’ table when out of the corner of her eye she notices a MAN wearing a red backpack enter the patio.

She ZOOMS IN: CHINESE AGENT #1 sits down at a table near the bar’s entrance/exit then scans the adjacent rooftops

RACHEL

Edwards, incoming red backpack your four o’clock copy.

Rachel follows his gaze until she spots CHINESE SNIPER #2 in dark clothing with a .338-LAPUA-MAGNUM crouched on the Ali Baba rooftop.

Rachel ducks down as a bullet richochets past her shoulder.

A second bullet hits her left shoulder. She flinches, checks the wound: she’s bleeding, but leaves it. She quickly takes aim and fires.

RACHEL’S BARRETT SCOPE POV: Chinese Sniper #2 is hit in the chest and he slumps over dead.

Rachel remains calm, grabs a handkerchief from her pocket and quickly wrapping it around her bleeding shoulder before repositioning her NR.1-BARRETT-M82 for a LINE OF SIGHT of Chinese Agent #1.

RACHEL’S BARRETT SCOPE POV: A WOMAN wearing a red backpack CHINESE AGENT #2 sits at a nearby table drinking coffee.

RACHEL

Second red backpack, your nine o’clock, copy.

BACK TO:

EXT. BIERGARTEN – TWILIGHT

Edwards earpiece crackles, he frowns and fiddles with it, then leans forward. Pulls out his smartphone and holds it up.

EDWARDS

I’m calling my boss now.

Ivanov’s smartphone suddenly rings. He recognizes the number, but rejects the call.

IVANOV

They’re here.

RACHEL (V.O.)

Edwards, copy. Your four and nine o’clock. Red backpacks. Get Dr. Steel’s location and a description then leave.

Edwards scans the cafe and spots the Chinese agents, then back at Ivanov.

IVANOV

We’re surrounded.

Edwards POV: Chinese Agent #2 is approaching. She knocks on the table, discreetly flashes her gun.

CHINESE AGENT #2

Last orders, Serge.

Chinese Agent #2 steps away.

Edwards grabs Ivanov and drags him away from the table in the opposite direction.

The Chinese Agents #1 and #2 follow them out of the Biergarten.

EXT. ROOFTOP, HOTEL PSYCHO – TWILIGHT

Rachel quickly packs her NR.1-BARRETT-M82 into the blue violin case.

BACK TO:

EXT. BOOMERANG RIDE – TWILIGHT

Edwards has locked arms with Ivanov and marches him through the crowd.

The Chinese Agents follow joined by CHINESE AGENTS #3 & #4. They follow and spread out to cut Edwards and Ivanov off.

EXT. ROOFTOP, HOTEL PSYCHO – TWILIGHT

Rachel is getting ready to leave when Edwards comes across her headphones.

EDWARDS (V.O.)

We need somewhere to hide.

She opens up her black backpack and takes out her binoculars.

RACHEL’S BINOCULARS POV: Ivanov and Edwards push their way through the crowd the Chinese Agents three bodies behind them.

RACHEL

Take a left at the Ejection Seat. That side of the park is dark,empty. Wait in the Große Geisterbahn until I give the all clear. You can head back to the Safehouse from there.

EDWARDS (V.O.)

Copy that.

Rachel picks up her binoculars POV: scans the Große Geisterbahn and stops on a MALE, black baseball cap, white tee-shirt and jeans, smartphone clasped to his ear, has just stepped out of a doorway and is now following Edwards and Ivanov.

Rachel activates facial recognition FLASHES: “Insufficient data try again”.

EDWARDS (V.O.)

Did we lose them?

RACHEL

I think so. But there’s someone else following you. Your five o’clock. Black baseball cap, white tee-shirt, and jeans. He just stepped into a doorway.

EDWARDS(V.O.)

I don’t see him.

A MAN comes into focus. Facial recognition flashes “Steven Gilroy”. She looks closely.

RACHEL (CONT’D)

(quietly to self)

Dad?

Rachel, surprised, angry, swaps her binoculars for the digital camera in her backpack and starts snapping.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I enjoyed this lesson the twist examples helped me to break down plot and scenes and playback setup and twists allowing me to ask are they strong enough, interesting enough, predictable?

Pass 1

Danger Safety then Danger Hidden Weapon then Safety.

SETUP: Rachel and Edwards break into Volkova’s apartment to retrieve Ivanov’s cellphone and memory stick. A fight ensues and Rachel manages to tie Volkova to a chair but Lev her minder emerges from the bathroom and takes out Edwards then Volkova takes out Rachel.

TWIST: But Rachel manages to shoot her way out using a hidden weapon and Lev and Volkova are killed in a kill or be killed situation. Rachel and Edwards escape down the fire escape before Volkova’s colleagues in a neighbouring apartment can catch them.

Trap/Trick Escape

SETUP: Rachel is swimming towards Nick’s yacht when she’s shot at by Nick and his bodyguard. Rachel goes underwater and they think she’s dead. There’s blood in the water.

TWIST: Rachel has been bitten by a fresh water shark. She manages to find her way into the engine room through a trap door and it’s only then that we see that she’s still alive. But Nick and his bodyguards don’t know she’s now on board his yacht.

Protected Attacked Protected

SETUP: Ivanov is being protected by Rachel during his intelligence meeting with Edwards but then Rachel is attacked and then Ivanov is attacked.

TWIST: Rachel manages to shoot and kill her attackers and protect Ivanov for a little longer.

It Just got Worse It Just Got Better It Just Got Worse

SETUP: Mark has kidnapped Rachel and Dr. Steel and is flying them to Nick’s yacht when Rachel decides to wrestle control of the helicopter from Mark and push it into a dive causing Mark to lose consciousness. Rachel has less than one hour to live and is desperate to take one of the anti viral pills that Mark has in his possession.

TWIST: Mark wakes up and stops her from taking the pill then pushes her out of the helicopter into a cold choppy lake below.

Surprising Alliance Betrayal

SETUP: Ivanov wants a deal for himself and his informant that will protect him from Chinese and Russian agencies. After Edwards has helped him lose the agents following them he gets a call from Veteran CIA Agent Steven Gilroy, Rachel’s father, promising him immediate protection if he agrees to bring his flash drive and meet Steven at a local bakery. Ivanov agrees.

TWIST: But Steven calls Ivanov’s boss, Volkova, and tells her where Ivanov is going. She then kills Ivanov.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned is that I’m still brainstorming and the character depth is an area for improvement is the feedback I get from the script competitions. THis lesson gives me a framework to work with.

Pass 2

LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY

• A. Other people like or respect the character: she’s the best shot in the CIA says Exec Director Jim Brown. We see her at the fairground and the guy is patronizing her and she shoots all the cans in one shot…

• B. The character shows love for something: we see a photo of her and her pet rabbit…and her wife..

• C. They’re trying to do something good: she’s trying to save the world from another pandemic.

• D. Save the cat — rescue or do something good for someone else: she has time to stop and help an old lady from being robbed.

• E. Funny, humorous, witty.

• F. Kindness.

• G. Good moral decisions and actions. Being on the right side. She does the right thing rather than protect a family member who has done wrong.

EMPATHY / DISTRESS

• A. Undeserved misfortune.

• B. External Character conflicts: her own father interrupted her intelligence meeting.

• C. Plot intruding on life

• D. Moral dilemmas: She hates her father but must pretend to like him again so that she can find out what he’s upto.

• E. Forced decisions they’d never make:

• F. Wound attacked: her father turns up and disrupts her intelligence meeting.

JUSTIFICATION

• A. The character or their family abused. Nick Chen is out for revenge on her parents, Rachel doesn’t know it yet.

• B. Threatened by others. Rachel is shot at in the first scene and almost killed as she carries out her job protecting a colleague during an intelligence meeting.

• C. The Hero is the victim of attacks: She’s shot at in the opening scenes’

• D. They’ve suffered major losses: her partner was killed in action.

• E. The Villain or their representatives have trespassed. They have kidnapped her mother.

Pass 1

LESSON 8 from Act 1

LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY

• A. Other people like or respect the character: she’s the best shot in the CIA says Exec Director Jim Brown.

• B. The character shows love for something.

• C. They’re trying to do something good.

• D. Save the cat — rescue or do something good for someone else.

• E. Funny, humorous, witty.

• F. Kindness.

• G. Good moral decisions and actions. Being on the right side.

EMPATHY / DISTRESS

• A. Undeserved misfortune.

• B. External Character conflicts: her own father interrupted her intelligence meeting.

• C. Plot intruding on life

• D. Moral dilemmas.

• E. Forced decisions they’d never make.

• F. Wound attacked.

JUSTIFICATION

• A. The character or their family abused. Nick Chen is out for revenge on her parents, Rachel doesn’t know it yet.

• B. Threatened by others. Rachel is shot at in the first scene and almost killed as she carries out her job protecting a colleague during an intelligence meeting.

• C. The Hero is the victim of attacks:

• D. They’ve suffered major losses.

• E. The Villain or their representatives have trespassed.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I’ve learned from this lesson is to go through each scene and tag with A, M, V…

Still in progress and I have questions but so far

OPENING 1:

Scene 1: V1 (Order): we see Melissa Chen in a laboratory full of animals she’s creating a virus. Nick Chen walks in tells her to finish up they are meeting their funders tonight: we leave in thirty minutes. She warns them it’s not ready thousands of people could die. He ignores her warning: our funders are hard core and then threatens her. She fights back but he still ignores her. Writers Note: Why are they creating deadly viruses?

Scene 2: V2 Natalia Volkova with her minder Lev is waiting for Nick Chen to arrive. She’s also waiting for Serge Ivanov to bring a suitcase full of money. They both arrive just in time. Nick introduces Melissa as Doctor Steel the real genius behind the virus. Nick catches Ivanov looking at his sister he warns him off. Volkova reminds them that they are all there to serve their respective Motherlands. Lev asks them to open their respective suitcases at the same time…then we cut to Writers Note: Why does Volkova want the virus?

Or Scenes 3, 4 or 5 could be our openings….that’s what I have in my current 3 Act outline..

OPENING 2:

Scene 3: We are flying above Vienna heading towards Prater Park.

Scene 4: We linger above the iconic big wheel the Wiener Riesenard synonymous with the Third Man we know we are in Vienna. We know this is a movie about spies.

Scenes 5 &6: A1 We see Rachel Gilroy for the first time she’s being shot at. She coolly takes out the enemy: a Chinese sniper. Writers Note: Why is she being shot at?

Scenes 7 & 8: She’s scouring the rooftops protecting an intelligence meeting. Her and colleague, Matt Edwards, are waiting for Serge Ivanov. She gives the Biergarten the all clear.

Scene 9: M1/Order Serge arrives. Rachel reminds Edwards that Green gave them one hour to get Serge’s Intel. Let’s bring this in in 30 she says.

Scene 10: Ivanov & Edwards exchange greetings. Ivanov wants a deal: the CIA extract him and his informant goes by the name of Dr. Steel give them new lives away from Chinese and Russian governments and agencies. But Green has been stalling. Edwards says he’ll call Green right now and secure the deal but wants to know who Dr. Steel is and where he is. Writers note: Why is Green stalling? Why is Russian and Chinese agencies and governments after Ivanov and DR. Steel?

Scene 11: A2: Rachel spots a second Chinese sniper on the rooftops and a Chinese agent with a backpack taking a seat near Edwards and Ivanov. She warns Edwards but he doesn’t hear her. The Chinese sniper is able to shoot and wound her before she shoots him dead. A second Chinese agent wearing a backpack enters the café. Writers note: Why do Chinese agents want Ivanov?

Scenes 12 to 14: A3: Edwards hears Rachel’s warning, A Chinese agent approachs their table and warns Ivanov to come peacefully: they are surrounded. Edwards grabs Ivanov and drags him to safety with the help of Rachel and with the Chinese agents in pursuit. However, Rachel spots a guy hanging around she uses her binoculars: it’s her father, veteran CIA Agent, Steven Gilroy. Rachel photographs him. Writers Note: Why is Steven Gilroy here?

Scenes 15 & 16: Steven Gilroy is on his phone to Ivanov. He’s cutting him a deal and asks him to meet him at a local bakery but not before checking there’s only one copy of a video.

Scene 17: Steven calls Volkova tells her Ivanov will be at the bakery in ten minutes if she wants the flash drive containing the video. Writers Note: Why did Steven call Volkova and handing Ivanov to her? Why did Steven ask Volkova if we’re done? Why is Volkova working for the Chinese apart from the money? Why does Ivanov trust Steven more than Green?

Scene 18: A4: Rachel shoots at Steven and he manages to run off. Writer’s Note: why would Rachel shoot at a fellow CIA agent and especially one who is also her own father?

Scene 19: M2: Edwards tries to get Ivanov to come with him to their CIA safehouse but he tells him he got a better deal. Rachel decides to follow him: they still haven’t secured the intel they need.

Scene 20 to 23: M3: Rachel follows Ivanov from a distance sees that he enters a bakery.

Scene 24: Rachel enters the bakery just as there’s a muffled gunshot. Volkova and Lev emerge from the kitchen having just shot Ivanov and taken his hardware.

INCITING INCIDENT

Scene 25: A5: Rachel goes to Ivanov tries to save him and to persuade him to give her the Intel that he wanted to share. Reveal: Volkova killed him because he was cutting a deal with the CIA. When Rachel asks about Dr. Steel Ivanov tells her she’s in Vienna and will find her. Ivanov dies. Writers Note: Rachel still no closer to knowing who Dr. Steel is or what Intel Ivanov wanted to share.

FIRST TURNING POINT END OF ACT 1

Scene 26 & 27: Order 2/M4: Rachel asks Edwards to catch up Volkova and follow her wait until she arrives.

Scene 28: A6: Rachel and Edwards ambush Volkova and Lev. There’s a fight they almost kill Rachel and Edwards but Rachel fights back and kills Lev and Volkova.

Structure Recap:

• • Opening 1 to 4 pages: Rachel Gilroy, elite CIA sniper, is ambushed by Chinese snipers during an intelligence meeting with the CIA’s Russian Informant, Serge Ivanov.

• • Inciting Incident 10 to 15 pages: Serge Ivanov is left for dead by his boss Natalia Volkova, but before he dies he tells Rachel she must protect a Dr. Steel.

• • First Turning Point at end of Act 1 – Rachel kills Volkova

might be better than finding out her father is being investigated for treason

• • Mid-Point: A Mark Taylor steals a deadly virus from a local laboratory.

• • Second Turning Point at end of Act 2 –– Rachel is now dying having been infected with the virus and has only 1 hour to live.

• • Crisis: Rachel has to decide whether to risk Dr. Steel’s life to take out Mark and regain control of the helicopter. Mark throws Rachel from the helicopter.

• • Climax: Rachel swims to the yacht in search of her parents and the antivirals that will save her life.

• • Resolution: Rachel saves her parents lives, takes out Nick, and finally gets an answer to why her father disrupted her meeting.

• But there’s a twist…

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned during this assignment is that I still have many questions about my own structure and plot points so I think more work is needed to resolve and elevate. What I have so far is

Step Out Of The Shadows

• Opening 1 to 4 pages: Rachel Gilroy, elite CIA sniper, is ambushed by Chinese snipers during an intelligence meeting with the CIA’s Russian Informant, Serge Ivanov.

• Inciting Incident 10 to 15 pages: Serge Ivanov is left for dead by his boss Natalia Volkova, but before he dies he tells Rachel she must protect a Dr. Steel.

• First Turning Point at end of Act 1 – when she’s chastised for shooting at her father when he turned up at her meeting with Ivanov, her boss, CIA Director Susan Green, also tells her that her father is being investigated for treason. Green wants her to put personal grievances with her father aside and find out why he was at the meeting.

• Mid-Point: A Mark Taylor steals a deadly virus from a local laboratory.

• Second Turning Point at end of Act 2 –– Rachel is now dying having been infected with the virus and has only 1 hour to live.

• Crisis: Rachel has to decide whether to risk Dr. Steel’s life to take out Mark and regain control of the helicopter. Mark throws Rachel from the helicopter.

• Climax: Rachel swims to the yacht in search of her parents and the antivirals that will save her life.

• Resolution: Rachel saves her parents lives, takes out Nick, and finally gets an answer to why her father disrupted her meeting.

But there’s a twist…

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned is that by using the action type and purpose I can build out my plotline as it is currently and hopefully figure out to significantly improve it.

A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie? Shootout, car chase, fight, rescue, escape/evade, competition, dangerous situations, interrogation.

• B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track? Chase/pursuit, shootout, escape/evade, rescue, dangerous situations.

• C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act? Escalating stakes between Rachel Gilroy and Nick Chen as she discovers that it’s not just a biological attack he’s planning, but an attack on her family.

Type of action I’ll use:

• A. Chase/Pursuit -Yes

• B. Fight -Yes

• C. Shootout – Yes

• D. Rescue – Yes

• E. Escape/Evade -Yes

• F. Competition – Yes

• G. Dangerous Situations – Yes

• H. Interrogation – Yes

• I. Torture – No

Shootout: Elite CIA sniper, Rachel Gilroy on the rooftops of Vienna protecting a meeting that’s happening between her colleague Matt Edwards and CIA’s Russian Informant, Serge Ivanov.

Purpose: to introduce us to our hero’s skills as an elite sniper: she takes down the Chinese snipers who are trying to disrupt her intelligence meeting with a CIA informant, Russian double agent, Serge Ivanov. At this stage we don’t yet know why Chinese agents are involved. BG notes maybe this should be Russian agents.

Chase/Pursuit: Matt Edwards and Ivanov escape followed by the Chinese agents, but Ivanov gets a call from Steven Gilroy, CIA consultant and Rachel’s father promising him a deal with the CIA if he promises to meet him at a local bakery.

Purpose: Shows us that Ivanov wants a CIA deal and trusts Steven to get him the best one and not Edwards and Rachel’s boss, CIA Director Susan Green.

The Order: Steven Gilroy calls Serge Ivanov and tells him to meet him at a local bakery. Gilroy then calls Natalia Volkova and tells him Ivanov will be at the bakery.

Purpose: To stop Ivanov getting a CIA deal but we don’t know why Steven double crossed him. BG Note: should this be a hit and why? Or was it as Steven claims later he wasn’t expecting Volkova to kill Ivanov.

Ambush: Serge Ivanov at the bakery is ambushed and killed by his boss Natalia Volkova for trying to get a deal with the CIA.

Purpose: To kill Ivanov and take back his intelligence before anyone else can.

Breakin/Interrogation/Fight: Rachel and Edwards go to Natalia Volkova’s apartment to retrieve Ivanov’s cellphone and computer. Rachel ends up killing Volkova and her minder in self-defence.

Purpose: to show how tough Rachel is and that she’ll stop at nothing to follow the trail of intelligence that will lead them to undercover and stop the planned attack.

Ambush: Melissa Chen and Audrey Meyers are ambushed and kidnapped by Nick’s associates.

Purpose: Nick needs to get his sister back so that he can release the virus but unbeknown to him his sister is with Senator Audrey Meyers and although an added bonus it wasn’t part of his original plan.

Competition: Rachel asks her father to meet her at their place: The Third Man Museum

Purpose: Rachel wants to know why her father, Steven Gilroy is working against her.

[Barbara Gilmore]

By following the lesson’s structure and bullet points, I’m hoping that I can resolve some of the character and plot points that are a sticking point for me.

Lesson 4 Villian Track

• A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? The plan could be pre-existing or created on the spot. Nick Chen owns a small startup that creates bespoke viruses. He is planning another attack in Vienna, Austria but why there? Vienna, Austria is where his parents were killed in a botched intelligence extraction and he blames Russian and US intelligence and specifically Audrey Meyers, Steven Gilroy, and Serge Ivanov He hatches a plan to lure them all in by planning to steel a virus from a local laboratory.

• B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero? Nick Chen has the ultimate weapon: a deadly virus that kills those exposed within one hour. He has the vaccine and the anti virals but no-one else has.

• C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie? No-one really knows who is behind the theft of the deadly virus and whether once they catch up with the thieves whether they will survive.

• D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done? Die at the hands of a virus he helped to make.

When was the villain’s plan conceived? A long time ago, but a few things have gone wrong. 1. His sister has escaped with Serge Ivanov. 2. Director John Brown will bring him Steven Gilroy as promised and in return Brown (who is a double agent) will be free to go. 3. Rachel Gilroy now knows something about the plan and his sister.

Mistake: His sister, a genius virologist, has escaped and together with Serge Ivanov was planning to secure a deal with the CIA. She is the key when it comes to the virus’ finishing touches before it can be released.

Dilemma: He must find his sister but in doing so he risks exposing his plan to release a deadly virus and himself to the intelligence agencies and therefore missing an opportunity to avenge the death of his parents by luring Audrey Meyers and Steven Gilroy to their deaths.

Decision/Kill Him: He sends a team to capture his sister and Audrey Meyers.

Plan Hit/Contract: He decides to continue on with his plan only this time it includes Rachel Gilroy perhaps he can bribe her like he has done Director Jim Brown.

Plan/Hiding Out: He brings forward the operation to steal a deadly virus from a local lab.

Capture: After the virus is stolen by Mark, someone on Nick’s payroll, Rachel catches up with them.

Retaliation: Nick has decided he’s taking down all the CIA agents not just Audrey and Steven.

Escape: He heads to his yacht to escape from Rachel Gilroy.

Fitting End: He endures extreme pain for 5 mins before dying at the hands of a virus created and administered by his sister.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m not sure if I have too much going on to pull it off…but here goes…

• Clear Mission: CIA sniper Rachel Gilroy, and her partner, CIA rookie, Matt Edwards, are sent on a mission by CIA Director, Susan Green, to elicit intelligence information about an upcoming biological attack from the CIA’s Russian Informant, Serge Ivanov. The meeting takes place in Vienna, Austria which is still a hive of espionage activity with some new and bigger players: China.

• Motivation: Rachel is a black and white thinker there are good guys and there are bad guys and she takes down the bad guys. But what happens when one of those bad guys is your own father, veteran CIA agent, Steven Gilroy, who left her for dead during a high stakes undercover operation 3 years before.

• Inciting Incident: Their intelligence meeting goes wrong when Chinese agents turn up to kidnap Serge Ivanov and then Steven Gilroy appears to double cross Serge and send him to his death.

• First Action: Rachel is protecting the Russian informant during their meeting when she is shot at by Chinese Agents. Her father, Steven Gilroy also turns up to disrupt the meeting.

• Obstacle: Russian, Chinese, and corrupt CIA agents including quite possibly her own father are working against her. She follows Serge only to catch up with him as he’s dying. There’s a bigger plan at play he tells her and you must stop it.

• Escalation: Rachel follows the scant clues left by Ivanov to find the second informant and still more clarity is needed on what the attack will look like and who is behind it and along the way killing several high profile Russian agents, including Natalia Volkova, Ivanov’s boss.

• Overwhelming Odds: Rachel and the CIA don’t know what’s being planned and who is behind it. All they know is that it’s going to happen in the next 24 hours, there is a second informant they need to find, and Russian and Chinese agents are also looking for that second informant. Nick Chen, our villain, is one step ahead of them all including the mission team, as he draws her, her father, and her mother into his world.

• New Plan: Rachel goes all in and against her better judgement tries to team up with her father, but he has plans of his own. .When a deadly virus is stolen from a local laboratory by one of Nick’s puppets, Mark, the CIA now know what they are dealing with.

• Full out Attack: Rachel is able to track down the mission team and risks her life to stop them from carrying out their mission. Nick is also out for revenge against Rachel’s mother, Senator Audrey Meyers, who unbeknown to Rachel is also ex-CIA, and Steven Gilroy.

• Success: Rachel is able to stop the attack, save her parent’s lives, while identifying those behind the CIA corruption.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Improvements will be ongoing but I found myself adding more detail that could make the characters more interesting, the demands more exciting, the tension higher and so on so for example:

– she’s the best shot in the CIA

– global power..they die

– Rachel is not just competing against one villain there are several people to get past

Concept:

• Hero Morally Right: Rachel Gilroy, CIA sniper, part of a small elite team, she’s the best shot in the CIA, has saved many lives.

• Villain Morally Wrong: Nick, CEO of a healthcare start up that is secretly creating bespoke untested viruses for his big business clients to unleash on their unsuspecting targets.

Hero

• A. Unique Skill Set: best shot in the CIA.

• B. Motivation: save the world; her CIA father is under investigation for treason: she’s out for revenge.

• C. Secret or Wound: her father, also a CIA agent, left her for dead in an operation gone wrong.

Villain

16. A. Unbeatable: is one step ahead of everyone in the field of virology thanks to his genius sister who is his secret weapon.

17. B. Plan/Goal: to unleash a deadly highly contagious virus on innocent targets and anyone else who is in the vicinity.

18. C. What they lose if Hero survives: millions $s…global power..they die..

Impossible Mission

A. Puts Hero in Action: she must shoot, fight, put herself at risk to track down Nick and his team and then stop them from unleashing the virus all the while saving his sister who has been promised protection from Russian and Chinese Intelligence agencies..

B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Rachel risks infection and death to stop the team completing their mission.

C. Destroy the Villain: She kills the team, but is then kidnapped by Nick, he thinks he’s killed her, but she manages to survive, and tracks him down and kills him.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

The lesson’s structure helped me to breakdown the concept into the respective components which helped me to identity the gaps in the concept, characters, and plot as well as test their originality.

High Concept

An elite CIA sniper must risk her life while rooting out CIA corruption involving her father.

• Highly Skilled Hero: elite CIA sniper.

• Demand for Action: if she doesn’t stop the group completing their mission there’s another pandemic even more deadly and disruptive than covid.

• Mission: 24 hours to stop bespoke untested viruses being unleashed on their targets.

• Antagonist: the owner of a start up company that develops innovative healthcare solutions is a cover for a company that is developing bespoke viruses.

• Escalating Action: the interruption of an intelligence meeting pits daughter against father as they compete to stop the release of a deadly virus in a series of car and helicopter chases.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Hello everyone,

I’m Barbara Gilmore. I’ve written two complete scripts, one action thriller, and one pilot. I’m on a third, but it’s only 80% complete.

I’m taking this course as I’d like to significantly elevate my action thriller script (which placed in the QFs of 2 screenplay competitions in 2021), hopefully get a deal, an option, and get it made. Aim high, right 🙂

When I’m not working as a project and program manager I work as a background actor.

At the end of 2021, I completed Hal and Cheryl’s Bingeworthy TV course. My TV Pilot script just placed in the semifinals of Filmmatic’s drama competition season 7. That small success wouldn’t have been possible without the guidance, challenges, and quality of Hal and Cheryl’s courses. So thank you both.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I, Barbara Gilmore, agree to the terms of this release form:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I have a first act….very draft…scene descriptions and some dialogue…main plot points…so setting up…for what’s to come…

Working Title: Cold Castle/The Ancestors

Genre: Drama Horror Mystery

Working Logline: When a couple on a romantic vacation become trapped in a Castle full of ghosts they are forced to negotiate a risky escape that threatens their future together.

I’m originally from Scotland, I’ve spent the last 15 years living in Canada, but I recently returned to Scotland for my job in Edinburgh, so I’ve been inspired to write this movie.

Send me a private message if you want to pair up.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Still working on this hasn’t quite come together yet…

Lesson 10 Part 2

Character Depth

Jen

Character Role/Profession: CEO and co-owner of a Mining Conglomerate.

Age: late 30s.

Traits: Risk taker; Successful; Entitled; Occasional acts of Kindness

Motivation: Is trying to overcome her fear while helping the ghosts.

Secret: She ignored safety violations at several of her family’s mines and many workers have died a fact she’s been able to keep a secret.

Wound: She had a friend who was a ghost when she was young but her parents didn’t believe her.

Subtext: Afraid of the dark.

Layers: Surface Layer: A CEO of a mining Company on her first vacation for 3 years is looking forward to the time off with her husband and a getaway from their children.

Beneath that: She doesn’t like taking time off.

Beneath that: She’s covering up some deaths at her company.

How Revealed: The ghosts appear/ she dreams.

Jason:

Character Role/Profession: A Doctor.

Age: early 40s.

Traits: Egotistical; Saves lives; Calm; OCD

Motivation: Curiosity and wants to support his wife.

Secret: One of his patients over dosed on medication they didn’t really need. He’s covering for a fellow Doctor who he had an affair with.

Wound: He was bullied at school, but eventually stood up for himself.

Subtext: Losing control.

Layers: Surface Layer: A medical Doctor looking forward to taking his wife on her first vacation in 3 years and a getaway from their children.

Beneath that: He’s chosen Scotland the birthplace of her great grandfather – giving her some time to explore her ancestors.

How revealed: He wants to stop at a Castle along the way.

Beneath that: He’s in a trial for a jet lag pill.

How Revealed: We see them taking the pill before they enter the Castle restaurant.

Plot Layers:

Surface Layer: Jason has planned a romantic two night stay at a Castle that used to be owned by Jen great-great grandfather.

Beneath They don’t know the tortured history of the castle.

Beneath that: They have taken jet lag pills prescribed by Jason.

How Revealed: We see them taking them before they go into the restaurant.

Beneath that: The owners have also spiked their food.

How revealed: See the owners spike their food.

Location Layers:

Surface Layer: A Castle.

Beneath that: A Bed and Breakfast.

Beneath that: Ghosts that need to pass over.

Beneath that: A mysterious dead body:

How Revealed: The current owners need to rescue Jen and Jason.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m still writing but wanted to post what I’d written so far. I’ve decided to ditch the idea of having film makers and a big reveal: I don’t think it fits with the characters and plot in this movie. Instead the film makers will be replaced by the current owners of the castle.

• Concept: When a couple on a romantic vacation become trapped in a Castle full of ghosts they are forced to negotiate a risky escape.

• Main Conflict: The ghosts don’t want them to leave and the Castle owners refuse to help.

• Reason for Containment: They are locked in the Castle by the two current owners who are desperate for the ghosts to leave so they can expand their business by building a conservatory and a tea room in the area of the Castle occupied by the ghosts.

• Characters: CEO and co-owner of a Mining Conglomerate who’s claustrophobic and afraid of the dark.

• Transformational Journey: She’ll take responsibility for her ancestor’s misdeeds by helping the ghosts pass over and will acknowledge the safety violations that led to employee deaths at her own company.

• Characters: The Medical Doctor will stay and fight the ghosts to win his wife back.

Lesson 7

Hook: How do you help the ghosts of your ancestor’s victims to pass over peacefully?

Unique Monster/Villain: The Prisoner; The Piper Boy; Lady Mary, and The Drummer Girl.

Characters: The Castle Owners (2); the Tourists (2); the Ghosts (2 to 4).

Concept: When a couple on a romantic vacation become trapped in a Castle full of ghosts they are forced to negotiate a risky escape.

Main Conflict: The ghosts don’t want them to leave and the current owners refuse to help.

Act 1:

• Opening: A couple taking a drive through the countryside have just started their vacation.

• Inciting Incident: The husband has arranged to stay at a Castle which used to be owned by his wife’s great great grandparents.

• Turning Point: They are invited to dine by the two charming owners and then locked in their quarters after the meal.

Act 2:

• New plan: They wake up after hearing strange noises.

• Plan in action: They want to leave.

• Midpoint Turning Point: They realize they are locked in the Castle and are not alone.

Act 3:

• Rethink everything: They make a deal with the ghosts.

• New plan: Allow us to leave and we’ll help you pass over.

• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Two of the ghosts pass over but take the mining CEO with them.

Act 4:

• Final plan: One of the owners tries to help the Doctor.

• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: All hell breaks loose.

• Resolution: The CEO and Doctore escape and vow to become better people.

Lesson 5 Character Journey

CEO:

Beginning: She doesn’t want to be on vacation in the first place; doesn’t believe the family tree that she’s shown on the computer at the tourist office.

Turning Point: She accepts the challenge of going into the castle to help the ghosts pass over.

Turning Point: She accepts the challenge (wants to humour the 2 geeks in the tourist office) of going into the castle to help the ghosts pass over.

Midpoint: She ends up in a battle with her husband and not just the ghosts.

Turning Point 2: She must find a way to bring her husband back: he’s now in the ghost’s camp.

Dilemma: She knows that the local economy thrives on these ghosts stories and they are provide to exist when occasionally one is seen.

Dilemma: She knows that the local economy thrives on tourism, ghosts stories, and when one is seen people keep coming so killing off the ghosts won’t be a popular thing to do.

3rd Act Climax: Will the ghosts forgive her and her ancestors? Will her husband return?

Doctor:

Beginning: He doesn’t want to be involved in the challenge/situation of going into the castle to help the ghosts pass over.

Turning Point: He meets one of the unhappy ghosts and realizes they are in pain and wants to help them.

Midpoint: He and his wife end up in a battle against each other.

Turning Point 2: He and his wife end up in different ghost camps.

Dilemma: He’s a doctor and he’d be working against his doctor’s oath if he has to kill the ghosts.

3rd Act Climax: can he find an ethical way to help the ghosts while freeing himself?

Lesson 6 Layers and Reveals

Surface Layer: Tourists plan to stay at a Castle.

Beneath The Castle used to be owned by the wife’s great great grandparents.

Beneath that: They have taken jet lag pills prescribed by the husband.

How Revealed: We see them taking them before they go to dinner.

Beneath that: The owners have also spiked their food

How revealed: See the owners spike their food

2. Brainstorm potential character layers.

• Secret identity:

• Intrigue layers

• Hidden relationships and conspiracies

• Hidden Character history

Surface Layer: A CEO of a mining Company on her first vacation for 3 years is looking forward to the time off with her husband and a getaway from their children.

Beneath that: She doesn’t like taking time off.

Beneath that: She’s covering up some deaths at her company.

How Revealed: The ghosts appear/ she dreams.

Surface Layer: A medical Doctor looking forward to taking his wife on her first vacation in 3 years and a getaway from their children.

Beneath that: He’s chosen Scotland the birthplace of her great great grandfather – giving her some time to explore her ancestors.

How revealed: He wants to stop at a Castle along the way.

Beneath that: He’s in a trial for a jet lag pill.

How Revealed: We see them taking the pill before they enter the Castle restaurant.

3. Brainstorm potential location layers.

Surface Layer: A Castle.

Beneath that: A Bed and Breakfast.

Beneath that: Want to build a conservatory.

Beneath that: Ghosts that need to pass over.

Beneath that: A mysterious dead body:

How Revealed: The 2 film makers need to go in and rescue the 2 tourists.

Title: The Castle.

Genre: Drama Horror Mystery

Logline: When a couple on a romantic vacation become trapped in a Castle full of ghosts they are forced to negotiate a risky escape.

Guidelines:

4 Act Structure

Character Journeys

Layers and Reveals

Infinite Possibilities

Act 1

INT. HOTEL – GLENCOE SKI RESORT – DAY

A five star hotel check out desk.

The two staff behind the desk chat.

Staff #1

Eyes up here come the Americans.

Staff #2

They look so glamorous and happy.

Staff #1

Maybe we’re just dowdy.

Staff #2

Speak for yourself.

Staff #1

But we love them anyway.

Staff #2

Yes we do.

A couple early forties approach.

Staff #1

Good morning. Madam, Sir everything to your satisfaction.

Jason

We had a fabulous time.

Jen

It was like a second honeymoon.

Staffer #1

Are you going anywhere nice after this?

We find out they are spending one night at a Castle that was owned by Jen’s great grandfather and before catching their flight back to the USA. Note: this may be the beginning or end of their trip TBC.

We get the impression the Castle has some history.

EXT. A CAR (MOVING) – DAY

We’re flying high above an SUV as it makes it’s way through snow covered hill and glen to the sound of Big Country’s In a Big Country.

EXT. CASTLE – DAY

The couple arrive at the castle and are greeted by the two owners.

INT. CASTLE – DAY

The tourists settle in.

EXT. GARDEN – DUSK

They tour the gardens as the sun goes down. Marvel at the fantastic views.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned was this was fun but because my movie is contained and expected to be a drama horror movie I’d like there to be a way to maximize fear and tension without special effects and stunts, explosions and firearms.

MAIN VARIABLES

• Number of Locations: between 2 and 3 (small budget); 4 to 5 (big budget).

• Expensive locations: 1 lesser known Castle (small budget); 1 well known Castle (big budget).

• Number of characters: 2 main characters plus 5 others (small budget) with lesser or unknown actors; 2 big name actors, 4 children and 3 others (big budget).

• Special effects: none expected (small budget); some (large budget).

• Number of pages: 90 (small and big budget).

• Crowd scenes: zero (small and big budget).

• Stunts, Chase scenes, and Fight scenes: possible 2 or 3 not sure (small and big budget).

• Special sets: none (small) and big budget may wish to build Castle interiors rather than film in a real Castle.

SECONDARY VARIABLES

• Rights to music, brands, books, etc.: none (small) popular Scottish music ( budget).

• Explosions and Firearm: none (small and big budget).

• Kids — shorter work days, tutor on the set: maybe 1 or 2 children (small budget). 3 or 4 children (big budget).

• Animals – need a wrangler, more time to shoot, Humane Society: none (small budget)/one or two dogs (big budget).

• Weather — Rain, snow, wind, tornados: None (small budget)/freak snow or freak tornado (big budget).

• Water and underwater scenes: Maybe one or two (small budget)/four or five underwater scenes (big budget).

• Night scenes: will be inside mostly several inside may need a couple of externals (small budget)/several night scenes outside and inside (big budget).

• Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots: Would like to film the characters initial drive through the countryside (small budget)/Same but more (big budget).

• Green screen work: None expected (small and big budget).

• Extensive Make-up: only the ghosts (small budget)/same plus more for big budget.

• Archival Footage: None required may create archival looking footage (small and big budget).

• Anything else dangerous that increases preparation time and/or Insurance. Nothing comes to mind.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Still brainstorming this but so far very loose…

Act 1:

• Opening: A couple taking a drive through the countryside have just started their vacation.

• Inciting Incident: The grocery store on Google maps is closed so they decide to stop at a Castle Restaurant.

• Turning Point: They are invited to dine by two charming tour guides and by the end of the meal are too tired to continue on their journey and accept the offer of a bed for the night.

Hope/Fear.

• The couple are playful enjoying the drive and the scenery but they forgot to pack a lunch so they search Google

• Signal is poor just about make out a grocery store in 2 km (isolation)

• The grocery store and café are closed but there’s a caravan nearby and they knock on the door (helpless)

• A guy with a big dog who answers tells them there’s a Castle with a Restaurant up ahead (unpredictable and hope)

• They arrive at the Castle and they decide to take one of the Doctor’s Jet Lag pills (danger)

Act 2:

• New plan: They wake up after hearing strange noises.

• Plan in action: They want to leave.

• Midpoint Turning Point: They realize they are locked in the Castle and are not alone.

• The couple stay over and are woken up by strange noises (threat)

• They are afraid decide to pack up and leave

• All the doors are locked they are trapped

• The jet lag pills are causing them to hallucinate (out of control)

• They begin to see the ghosts but they don’t know if they are real

Act 3:

• Rethink everything: They make a deal with the ghosts.

• New plan: Allow us to leave and we’ll help you pass over.

• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Two of the ghosts pass over but take the mining CEO with them.

They decide to communicate with the ghosts (what do they have to lose)

The ghosts kidnap the CEO

Act 4:

• Final plan: One of the Tour Guides tries to help the Doctor.

• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: All hell breaks loose.

• Resolution: The CEO and Doctor escape and vow to become better people.

One of the tour guides appears from nowhere (hope)

The ghosts don’t like this (unpredictable)

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned is that I still have some brainstorming to do to strengthen my 4 Act structure…maybe I need to switch up the POVs…

• Concept: When a couple on a romantic vacation become trapped in a Castle full of ghosts they are forced to negotiate a risky escape.

• Main Conflict: The ghosts don’t want them to leave and the Tour Guides refuse to help.

Act 1:

• Opening: A couple taking a drive through the countryside have just started their vacation.

• Inciting Incident: The grocery store on Google maps is closed so they decide to stop at a Castle Restaurant.

• Turning Point: They are invited to dine by two charming tour guides and by the end of the meal are too tired to continue on their journey and accept the offer of a bed for the night.

Act 2:

• New plan: They wake up after hearing strange noises.

• Plan in action: They want to leave.

• Midpoint Turning Point: They realize they are locked in the Castle and are not alone.

Act 3:

• Rethink everything: They make a deal with the ghosts.

• New plan: Allow us to leave and we’ll help you pass over.

• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Two of the ghosts pass over but take the mining CEO with them.

Act 4:

• Final plan: One of the Tour Guides tries to help the Doctor.

• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: All hell breaks loose.

• Resolution: The CEO and Doctore escape and vow to become better people.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara’s layers so far…

What I learned is that I’ve been able to add some depth to the story as I go through this process.

Potential Plot Layers:

Surface Layer: Tourists stumble upon (or is already planned?) a Castle with a restaurant and guest room they decide to have dinner

Beneath They are too tired to travel to their next destination so they decide to stay in the guest room

Beneath that: They have taken jet lag pills prescribed by the father

How Revealed: We see them taking them before they go into the restaurant

Beneath that: The film makers have also spiked their food

How revealed: See the filmakers spike their food

Surface Layer: Two people working in a Castle gift shop.

Beneath that: They also offer an ancestral service.

Beneath that: They are looking for people who have ancestral ties to the family who owned the castle.

How Revealed: When people are a match they are invited to the exclusive restaurant.

Beneath that: It’s a con to get people to dine in the castle while making them feel special.

Beneath that: Sometimes it’s not a con and people who are a match get invited to stay in the guest suite.

How Revealed: The film makers have secret cameras and are trying to capture ghost footage.

Potential Character Layers:

Surface Layer: Two workers at the castle gift shop

Beneath that: Two film makers

Beneath that: They’ve been given 24 hours to deliver the movie they promised.

How Revealed: Their Producer walks into the gift shop and threatens to kill them unless they deliver.

Beneath that: The Producer is also being threatened.

How Revealed: TBC

Surface Layer: A CEO of a mining Company on her first vacation for 3 years is looking forward to the time off with her husband and a getaway from their children.

Beneath that: She doesn’t like taking time off.

Beneath that: She’s covering up some deaths at her company.

How Revealed: The ghosts appear/ she dreams.

Surface Layer: A medical Doctor looking forward to taking his wife on her first vacation in 3 years and a getaway from their children.

Beneath that: He’s chosen Scotland the birthplace of her great grandfather – giving her some time to explore her ancestors.

How revealed: He wants to stop at a Castle along the way.

Beneath that: He’s in a trial for a jet lag pill.

How Revealed: We see them taking the pill before they enter the Castle restaurant.

Potential Location Layers:

Surface Layer: A Castle.

Beneath that: A Restaurant inside the Castle.

Beneath that: Ghosts that need to pass over.

Beneath that: Secret cameras: Reality TV or movie set.

How Revealed: The 2 film makers need to go in and rescue the 2 tourists.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara’s character journeys..I’ve focused on the 2 main characters for now…and I’m still brainstorming…

Mother:

Beginning: She doesn’t want to be on vacation in the first place; doesn’t believe the family tree that she’s shown on the computer at the tourist office.

Turning Point: She accepts the challenge (wants to humour the 2 geeks in the tourist office) of going into the castle to help the ghosts pass over.

Midpoint: She ends up in a battle with her husband and not just the ghosts.

Turning Point 2: She must find a way to bring her husband back: he’s now in the ghost’s camp.

Dilemma: She knows that the local economy thrives on tourism, ghosts stories, and when one is seen people keep coming so killing off the ghosts won’t be a popular thing to do.

3rd Act Climax: Will the ghosts forgive her and her ancestors? Will her husband return?

Father:

Beginning: He doesn’t want to be involved in the challenge/situation of going into the castle to help the ghosts pass over.

Turning Point: He meets one of the unhappy ghosts and realizes they are in pain and wants to help them.

Midpoint: He and his wife end up in a battle against each other.

Turning Point 2: He and his wife end up in different ghost camps.

Dilemma: He’s a doctor and he’d be working against his doctor’s oath if he has to kill the ghosts.

3rd Act Climax: can he find an ethical way to help the ghosts while freeing himself?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned is that I really enjoyed using the simple structure provided in Lesson 4. I’m still building my character profiles but so far the two of the main character group are

Mother (tourist family):

Internal

Character Role/Profession: CEO and co-owner of a Mining Conglomerate.

Age: late 40s.

Traits: Risk taker; Successful; Entitled; Occasional acts of Kindness

Motivation: Is trying to overcome her fear while helping the ghosts.

Secret: She ignored safety violations at several of her family’s mines and many workers have died a fact she’s been able to keep a secret.

Wound: She had a friend who was a ghost when she was young but her parents didn’t believe her.

Subtext: Afraid of the dark.

Mother’s Situation:

Dilemma: She’s afraid of what he might see but wants to help the ghosts pass over.

Father:

Character Role/Profession: A Doctor.

Age: early 50s.

Traits: Egotistical; Saves lives; Calm; OCD

Motivation: Curiosity and wants to support his wife.

Secret: One of his patients over dosed on medication they didn’t really need. He’s covering for a fellow Doctor who he had an affair with.

Wound: He was bullied at school, but eventually stood up for himself.

Subtext: Losing control.

Conspiracy: He was chased out of a previous practice after the patient over dosed so knows what it’s like and is likely to form an affiliation with Lady Mary (one of the ghosts).

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara’s characters…what I learned is that I’m still brainstorming the hook, the story, and the POV but so far…

Working Title: The Castle

Working Hook: Would you volunteer to help your ancestor’s victims pass peacefully to the other side?

Unique Monster/Villain: The Prisoner; The Piper Boy; Lady Mary, and The Drummer Girl.

Characters: The Tour Guide (1), the Tourists (family of 4); the Filmmakers (2), the Historians (1), the Genealogists (1).

Ways the characters pay off the hook:

They volunteer to stay in the Castle overnight during a full moon.

They are locked in the Castle overnight by the desperate filmmakers.

They get trapped in the Castle overnight.

They hide in the Castle overnight.

Ways the characters pay off the conflict of the hook:

Let their children join them on the journey to find the ghosts.

Help the ghosts pass over at the risk of great harm to themselves.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from this process is that I have several ideas but I’m still searching for that unique hook which means I’m still figuring out which of my 5 ideas I’m going to follow through on.

Idea 1 in a Textile Mill – searching for a hook and high concept questions

Idea 1:

• A. Contained Environment: An Abandoned Textile Mill in the middle of nowhere.

• B. Contained Characters: Amateur Ghost Hunters making a movie.

• C. Difficult Situation: They must find the ghosts, otherwise they give back the money they already spent.

• D. Reason for the Containment: Their Producer locked them in after they took his money: now he wants the footage.

Idea 1:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – still brainstorming.

• A. Intriguing Contained Setting: A Textile Mill rumoured to be haunted.

• B. Unique Device: Producer has locked them in for 24 hours.

• C. Unique Monster/Villain: The Foreman.

• D. Mystery: Where is little Jack?

• E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: To film a real ghost.

• F. Unique layers: The writer, the DOP, and the Producer have hidden intentions.

2. Ask the High Concept Question.

• Having to do with ___Fake it to you make it until you can no longer fake it.

Ideas 2 and 3 in a Castle – searching for a hook and high concept questions

Idea 2:

• A. Contained Environment: A Castle.

• B. Contained Characters: A group of Students.

• C. Difficult Situation: The Castle is rumoured to be haunted, and they can’t get out without triggering an alarm call to the Police.

• D. Reason for the Containment: A bet to prove the Castle is haunted.

Idea 2:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – still brainstorming.

Idea 3:

• A. Contained Environment: A Castle.

• B. Contained Characters: A group of Tourists.

• C. Difficult Situation: Someone is reenacting historical clan rivalries with brutal consequences.

• D. Reason for the Containment: A bet to hide in the castle overnight.

Idea 3:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – still brainstorming.

• A. Intriguing Contained Setting: A Castle full of ghosts.

• B. Unique Device: Has been hired for 24 hours (by a party of tourists) or duration of the warrant or experiment (if a detective and/or a group of researchers)

• C. Unique Monster/Villain: The Prisoner; The Piper Boy; Lady Mary, Drummer Girl.

• D. Mystery: Where is Jake?

• E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: To get a confession while staying alive, surviving.

• F. Unique layers: A friend takes his friends to the castle with hidden intentions; A detective trying to solve a case takes the prisoner to the castle in a bid to get him to confess. Prisoner is afraid of ghosts.

2. Ask the High Concept Question.

• Having to do with ___When using someone’s biggest fear to elicit a confession turns you from hero to villain.

Idea 4 in a Tunnel – searching for a hook and high concept questions

Idea 4:

• A. Contained Environment: A remote tunnel.

• B. Contained Characters: A family or the father or the mother.

• C. Difficult Situation: If the animals see, hear or smell them they die – this may just be an obstacle or taken out if it no longer fits.

• D. Reason for the Containment: Injured after a car accident.

Idea 4:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – still brainstorming.

• A. Intriguing Contained Setting: A remote tunnel next to a nuclear power station.

• B. Unique Device: Waste water containing nuclear waste is flushed through the tunnel three times a day.

• C. Unique Monster/Villain: The Corporation.

• D. Mystery: Why did Bill suddenly leave?

• E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: To escape the tunnel alive.

• F. Unique layers: Bill and June have uncovered safety violations at their employer’s nuclear plant and must warn people.

Idea 5 on a Bridge – searching for a hook and high concept questions

Idea 5:

• A. Contained Environment: A bridge.

• B. Contained Characters: A nuclear waste convoy.

• C. Difficult Situation: If radioactive material escapes it will instantly kill everyone and everything within a 10 km (down from 1,000 km) radius.

• D. Reason for the Containment: The bridge collapses as they are crossing it.

Idea 5:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – needs more work.

• A. Intriguing Contained Setting: A Bridge.

• B. Unique Device: The bridge could collapse at any minute.

• C. Unique Monster/Villain: The Corporation.

• D. Mystery: Why did this convey leave the nuclear plant?

• E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: To stop a nuclear explosion.

• F. Unique layers: There are two convoy’s on the

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned by doing this assignment is that Contained movies and COVID guideline are naturally compatible.

Idea 1:

• A. Contained Environment: An Abandoned Textile Mill in the middle of nowhere.

• B. Contained Characters: Amateur Ghost Hunters making a movie.

• C. Difficult Situation: They must find the ghosts, otherwise they give back the money they already spent.

• D. Reason for the Containment: Their Producer locked them in after they took his money: now he wants the footage.

Idea 1:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – needs more work.

Idea 2:

• A. Contained Environment: A Castle.

• B. Contained Characters: A group of Students.

• C. Difficult Situation: The Castle is rumoured to be haunted, and they can’t get out without triggering an alarm call to the Police.

• D. Reason for the Containment: A bet to prove the Castle is haunted.

Idea 2:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – needs more work.

Idea 3:

• A. Contained Environment: A Castle.

• B. Contained Characters: A group of Tourists.

• C. Difficult Situation: Someone is reenacting historical clan rivalries with brutal consequences.

• D. Reason for the Containment: A bet to hide in the castle overnight.

Idea 3:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – needs more work.

Idea 4:

• A. Contained Environment: A remote tunnel.

• B. Contained Characters: A family.

• C. Difficult Situation: If the animals see, hear or smell them they die.

• D. Reason for the Containment: Injured after a car accident.

Idea 4:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – needs more work.

Idea 5:

• A. Contained Environment: A bridge.

• B. Contained Characters: A nuclear waste convoy.

• C. Difficult Situation: If radioactive material escapes it will explodes killing everyone and everything within a 1000 km radius.

• D. Reason for the Containment: The bridge collapses as they are crossing it.

Idea 5:

• A. It can be done as a contained story – Yes

• B. You can write a pitch in one or two sentences – Yes

• C. There is something unique about it – needs more work.

ASSIGNMENT PART 2: Adjust a Produced Movie to Covid Guidelines

2. Pick a movie that is outside the Covid Guidelines and give us your thoughts on how they could make it in the current production environment.

TITLE: Nightmare Alley.

AS THEY DID IT:

A. People: 5 to 6 big name actors in close quarters.

B. Stunts: Some.

C. Extras: 100 – 200.

D. Wardrobe: Takes place in a circus and so costumes are tailor made.

E. Hair and Make Up: Required.

F. Kids and Animals: A few.

G. Quarantine: Would be challenging.

COVID GUIDELINE VERSION:

A. People: build in a reason why the actors are isolated from the crowds or CGI the crowds in.

B. Stunts: CGI or without a crowd around.

C. Extras: None change the story to take out the extras…or CGI them in.

D. Wardrobe: The wardrobe was integral to the movie not sure it would work other than to ask the actors to consult with the costume design folks, costume design could make the costumes and Fed Ex to the actors, and actors could bring that wardrobe.

E. Hair and Make Up: Same as the wardrobe.

F. Kids and Animals: Reduce the number of kids and animals or CGI the crowd scenes.

G. Quarantine: reduces the number of people who need to quarantine.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara Gilmore’s ideas brainstorming to continue…

Idea 1:

• A. Contained Environment: An Abandoned Textile Mill in the middle of nowhere.

• B. Contained Characters: Amateur Ghost Hunters making a movie.

• C. Difficult Situation: They must find the ghosts, otherwise they give back the money they already spent.

• D. Reason for the Containment: Their Producer locked them in after they took his money: now he wants the footage.

Idea 2:

• A. Contained Environment: A Castle.

• B. Contained Characters: A group of Students.

• C. Difficult Situation: The Castle is rumoured to be haunted, and they can’t get out without triggering an alarm call to the Police.

• D. Reason for the Containment: A bet to prove the Castle is haunted.

Idea 3:

• A. Contained Environment: A Castle.

• B. Contained Characters: A group of Tourists.

• C. Difficult Situation: Someone is reenacting historical clan rivalries with brutal consequences.

• D. Reason for the Containment: A bet to hide in the castle overnight.

Idea 4:

• A. Contained Environment: A remote tunnel.

• B. Contained Characters: A family.

• C. Difficult Situation: If the animals see, hear or smell them they die.

• D. Reason for the Containment: Injured after a car accident.

Idea 5:

• A. Contained Environment: A bridge.

• B. Contained Characters: A nuclear waste convoy.

• C. Difficult Situation: If radioactive material escapes it will explodes killing everyone and everything within a 1000 km radius.

• D. Reason for the Containment: The bridge collapses as they are crossing it.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m still working on ideas 4 and 5 but here’s what i have so far

Idea 1:

• A. Contained Environment: An Abandoned Textile Mill in the middle of nowhere.

• B. Contained Characters: Amateur Ghost Hunters making a movie.

• C. Difficult Situation: They must find the ghosts, otherwise they give back the money they already spent.

• D. Reason for the Containment: Their Producer locked them in after they took his money: now he wants the footage.

Idea 2:

• A. Contained Environment: A Castle.

• B. Contained Characters: A group of Students.

• C. Difficult Situation: The Castle is rumoured to be haunted, and they can’t get out without triggering an alarm call to the Police.

• D. Reason for the Containment: A bet to prove the Castle is haunted.

Idea 3:

• A. Contained Environment: A Castle.

• B. Contained Characters: A group of Tourists.

• C. Difficult Situation: Someone is reenacting historical clan rivalries with brutal consequences.

• D. Reason for the Containment: A bet to hide in the castle overnight.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara Gilmore. I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Hello everyone.

I’ve written two feature scripts and one TV Pilot. I’ve had some success in reaching the QFs of a handful of contests in 2012, 2021, and 2022.

I’ve taken a few of Hal and Cheryl’s classes before: I’ve learned a lot and thoroughly enjoyed them. By taking this class I continue on my writing journey to become a better writer, more creative, and deliver my breakthrough script hopefully by the end of this year.

I’m Barbara Gilmore and when I’m not managing IT projects and programs I work as a background actor.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I just wanted to say that my pitch made it into the QFs of Filmmatic’s Pitch Now contest announced in January. I sent my pitch in on the final day of the contest:wasn’t confident they would like it. I’ve also pitched to about 12 producers and had a 50% script request rate. I couldn’t have improved my writing without this course. So thank you to Hal and Cheryl.

[Barbara Gilmore]

does anyone have the link to the Facebook group as I couldn’t find it thanks…

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara is still working on her Pilot script but has finished as much as possible the Teaser and Act 1. Could still be improved but moving on to the other Acts.

ACT 1

CAPTION: ONE DAY EARLIER

INT. SEATTLE COURTROOM – DAY

SERGEANT JESS PEARSON, late-thirties, stares straight ahead.

JUDGE MORTON

Sergeant, I’ll repeat the question. How did you know the suspect was in Las Vegas when all the evidence points to him being at home in Los Angeles?

JESS

Your honor, time stamped photographs show he was in Las Vegas.

JUDGE MORTON

Time stamped photographs that were obtained illegally.

Jess fidgets.

JESS

The evidence speaks for itself.

JUDGE MORTON

Yes it does. And in my courtroom that evidence and how it was gathered is inadmissible. Case dismissed. Sam Stevens you are free to go.

The COURTROOM erupts in cheers and boos.

SAM STEVENS, forties, looks over at Jess, smiles, and winks.

INT. SEATTLE COURTROOM CORRIDOR – DAY

Jess flings open the courtroom door and quickly walks towards the front exit. Up ahead is Sam Stevens surrounded by his ATTORNEYS and a MEDIA SCRUM. Jess takes a sharp right and heads for the side exit.

JESS

xxxx!

expletive has been removed.

[Barbara Gilmore]

This is the first few scenes of my teaser.

Barbara is still working on her Pilot script.

1. EXT. REMOTE HIGHWAY – DUSK

CAPTION: Present Day

1. A PICK-UP TRUCK travels along a remote highway bounded by dense forest.

2. INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING -DUSK

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat. At first glance they look like an old married couple with their matching plaid shirts, hipster haircuts, and skinny jeans.

HIPSTER MUSIC plays quietly on the car’s cd player.

But Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, punk goth, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke throws Steve a jealous look as he sips from his water bottle.

The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 200m on the left”.

LUKE

I gotta pee.

Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.

STEVE

Still dealing with that little problem of yours.

ANNA

Just pull over, Steve.

STEVE

No.

Luke leans over, grabs the wheel, and hangs a hard left.

Steve hits the brakes as the pick-up leaves the highway and SKIDS along a dirt track.

Steve angrily pushes Luke’s hand away from the steering wheel.

STEVE

Don’t do that again, buddy.

Luke gives him the finger.

3. EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – DIRT ROAD – DUSK

The pick-up bounces spewing dust.

4. INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Anna grabs the door handle and peers out at the dense overhanging branches as they scratch and scrape at the windows.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’ve finalized the Teaser and Act 1 but still working on Acts 2,3,4 & 5.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m finding this an invaluable exercise to remove uneccessary description while making the description more intriguing. I’m still working on this and will post something soon.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Thanks Hal, I really enjoyed last week’s call and it was great to finally meet in person albeit virtually. Due to the time difference I can only make the Saturday calls so sending my apologies in advance.

Here is the 2nd draft of my letter. I’d like to eventually come up with an improved title but for now using this one.

I’m open to feedback.

TITLE: Green Lake

FORMAT/GENRE: 50 minute Crime Drama – Serial

CONCEPT: After her career ambitions are thwarted, a big city detective returns to the small town where her brother disappeared five years before in order to help the local Sheriff solve a gruesome double murder.

How far will a detective go to solve her cases without sacrificing her ambitions, the woman, and the community that she loves?

SUMMARY:

After her career ambitions are thwarted, Jessica (Jess) Pearson, an ex-Big City detective is sent to investigate the gruesome double murder of a young married couple, Anna and Steve, and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in the small vacation town, Green Lake, where her family used to spend their summers until her brother, Adam, disappeared in what now appears to be similar circumstances to the Smith case.

Jess wants to become Sheriff, but long-term incumbent, Sheriff Linda Moore, who Jess blames for failing to solve her brother’s case, doesn’t want to retire.

As Jess works to solve both cases, she finds herself reliving the pain of her brother’s disappearance while dealing with the fallout from a relationship gone wrong. Green vinter, climate artist, and love of her life, Sarah Watson hasn’t forgiven Jess for leaving her, besides Sarah has big plans of her own all the way to the Senate.

When Sarah’s boyfriend, Nick Beresford, becomes the primary suspect in the Smith case, Jess is drawn back into Sarah’s world. Jess doesn’t believe that Nick is the killer and sets out to expose the truth, but in doing so uncovers an elaborate web of corruption that connects the Sheriff’s Department to local businesses, politicians, and organized crime.

Jess is left wondering how much she’ll risk to solve both cases, and bring her brother, Adam, back home.

EPISODE STRUCTURE: This detective must solve cases while taking down her bosses elaborate web of corruption.

BIO:

Feature Screenwriter Quarter-Finalist Filmmatic’s Inroads Fellowship Season 4 (2021) with Step Out of the Shadows

Quarter-Finalist ScreenCraft Action & Adventure (2021) with Step Out of the Shadows

Quarter-Finalist Fresh Voices (2012) with BlindSpot

UBCP/ACTRA Background Actor

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

3rd draft and one I’ve been using to pitch via a site that I’ve used for awhile. I’m reticent about using Linkedin just yet.

I’ve pitched 8 times no script requests just yet but getting consistently positive feedback “strong pitch just not what we are looking for at this time” and some producers are adding a personal note to get back in touch in the future.

TITLE: Three Lakes

FORMAT/GENRE: 50 minute Crime Drama – Serial

CONCEPT:

After her career ambitions are thwarted, a big city detective returns to the small town where her brother disappeared five years before in order to help the local Sheriff solve a gruesome double murder.

SUMMARY:

When Jessica (Jess) Pearson, an ambitious big city detective with a penchant for hacking, has one of her high profile cases thrown out on a data privacy violation, she’s demoted and reassigned to a sprawling rural jurisdiction to help solve their cold cases. Within a day of her arrival she’s sent to investigate the gruesome double murder of a young married couple, Anna and Steve, and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in the small vacation town, Green Lake, where her family used to spend their summers until her brother, Adam, disappeared in what now appears to be similar circumstances to the Smith case.

Jess wants to become Sheriff, but long-term incumbent, Sheriff Linda Moore, who Jess blames for failing to solve her brother’s case, doesn’t want to retire.

As Jess works to solve both cases, she finds herself reliving the pain of her brother’s disappearance while dealing with the fallout from a relationship gone wrong. Green vinter, climate artist, and love of her life, Sarah Watson hasn’t forgiven Jess for leaving her, besides Sarah has big plans of her own all the way to the Senate.

Once idyllic Green Lake and surrounding villages are now grappling with rural gentrification, extreme weather events, wildfires, pollution, and a water crisis, pitting business against business, neighbour against neighbour, and Sarah against the town.

When Sarah’s boyfriend, environmental activist Nick Beresford, becomes the primary suspect in the Smith case, Jess is drawn back into Sarah’s world. Jess doesn’t believe that Nick is the killer and sets out to expose the truth, but in doing so uncovers an elaborate web of corruption that connects the Sheriff’s Department to big business, politicians, and organized crime and destroying these once idyllic and thriving communities.

Jess is left wondering how much she’ll risk to solve both cases, and bring her brother, Adam, back home, while trying to save the local communities from destruction.

EPISODE STRUCTURE: This detective must solve cases and get justice while dismantling an elaborate web of corruption that is destroying once idyllic and thriving communities.

BIO:

Feature Screenwriter Quarter-Finalist Filmmatic’s Inroads Fellowship Season 4 (2021) with Step Out of the Shadows

Quarter-Finalist ScreenCraft Action & Adventure (2021) with Step Out of the Shadows

Quarter-Finalist Fresh Voices (2012) with BlindSpot

UBCP/ACTRA Background Actor

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m still working my way through each Act but for this lesson the focus is on the character intros, world and sub-world, and irony.

I’ve gone back and forth on these character intros because there’s a secret relationship among these three characters and that won’t be revealed until later.

STEVE BERESFORD, LUKE SMITH, ANNA COLE.

TEASER

BEFORE:

SCENE 2

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat. At first glance they seem like a married couple with their matching plaid shirts, hipster haircuts, and skinny jeans.

But Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, punk goth, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke, jealous, throws Steve a look, Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.

The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 50m on the left”.

AFTER:

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat.

Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke throws Steve a jealous look, gulps downs some water.

Second AFTER:

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat. At first glance they seem like a married couple with their matching plaid shirts, hipster haircuts, and skinny jeans.

But Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, punk goth, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke throws Steve a jealous look, gulps downs some water.

JESS PEARSON

AFTER

INT. SEATTLE COURTROOM – DAY

SERGEANT JESS PEARSON, mid-thirties, stares straight ahead.

BEFORE

INT. BLACK SUV – DAY

Senior Detective JESSICA (JESS) PEARSON (33) slows and turns left off the highway at the SIGN “Welcome to Bear Creek Rest Area”.

TAPE stretches from the SIGN across the entrance to a tree. Jess stops the car. OFFICER JAMES (26) approaches. Jess opens her window.

JESS

Morning, Officer. Sheriff Moore is expecting me.

Jess holds up her ID BADGE.

James checks the ID against a list on her clipboard and ticks.

SHERIFF LINDA MOORE – needs some work

BEFORE AND AFTER

EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK -DAY

SHERIFF LINDA MOORE (62), disposable gloves and booties, is walking towards her.

She removes her glove and extends her hand.

SHERIFF MOORE

I’ll be damned. Jessica Pearson. I always knew you’d make detective.

They shake hands.

SARAH WATSON

AFTER

INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Jess enters. She’s expecting the bell above the door to ring but the 1950s diner welcome has been replaced by upscale modern rustic artsy.

A handful of PATRONS are chatting, drinking, and eating.

SARAH WATSON (35) is behind the counter hovering over a shiny Espresso machine.

BEFORE

INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Jess ENTERS. A bell above the door RINGS.

A handful of PATRONS are CHATTING, drinking, and eating.

SARAH WATSON (35) is behind the counter pouring coffee

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I learned a great deal from using Hal’s three simple steps. I’ve often been confused by what’s required as there seems to be different ways to do this, but now I get it. So with that in mind I’m going through each Act of my script and updating as best I can.

TEASER

BEFORE:

SCENE 2

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat. At first glance they seem like a married couple with their matching plaid shirts, hipster haircuts, and skinny jeans.

But Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, punk goth, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke, jealous, throws Steve a look, Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.

The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 50m on the left”.

AFTER:

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat.

Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke throws Steve a jealous look, gulps downs some water.

The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 50m on the left”.

LUKE

I really need to go to the washroom.

Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.

STEVE

Still dealing with that little problem of yours.

ANNA

Just pull over, Steve.

STEVE

No.

Luke leans over, grabs the wheel, and hangs a hard left. Steve hits the brakes as the pick-up leaves the highway and SKIDS along a single dirt track.

Steve angrily pushes Luke’s hand away from the steering wheel.

STEVE

Don’t do that again, buddy.

Luke gives him the finger.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m going to continue to work my way through the teaser and Acts 1 to 5 to try and elevate the dialogue. But here’s my best lines so far…

Teaser:

Setup/Payoff/Subtext

LUKE

Pull over. I gotta pee. (original)

Luke gulps down the water. (new)

LUKE

I really need to go to the washroom. (new)

STEVE

Suck it up, man. We’re twenty minutes away. (original)

Still dealing with that little problem of yours. (new)

Act 1:

Setup/Payoff/Subtext

CAPTAIN MANORS

What the hell happened, Sergeant? (original)

I told you not to take short cuts. (new)

JESS

The judge didn’t like my evidence. (original)

I never get caught. Someone must have tipped off the Judge or the Defence lawyers. (new)

Act 2:

Setup/Payoff/Subtext/Anticipatory

OFFICER MARTYN

Go ahead. (original)

Sheriff’s Office is off limits. Evidence Room in the basement. There’s a spare desk over by the window. (new)

JESS

Thanks. (original)

I’ve always wanted a window desk. (new)

Officer Martyn smiles. (new)

OFFICER MARTYN

That’s what the newbies say until they have one. (new).

Act 3:

Setup/Payoff/Subtext/Anticipatory

SHERIFF MOORE

No. Parents confirmed what I already knew. They were good kids. (original)

I can’t imagine why someone would do this. (new)

JESS

Okay. Let’s see what Luke’s parents have to say. (original)

In some ways it looks like a professional hit. But maybe it was just some psycho’s random hit. (new)

Act 4:

Attack Counterattack/Subtext/Anticipatory

SARAH

There are no secrets in a small town. (original)

JESS

(pointedly) (new)

There are always some. (original)

SARAH

Not as many as you think. (new)

JESS

You’re right. There’s more. (new)

Act 5:

Anticipatory/Character Profiles

SARAH

I’m sorry. We’re not open for another twenty minutes. (original)

DOUG DAVIDSON (52) removes his baseball cap. (original)

DOUG DAVIDSON (52) removes his cowboy hat. (new)

DOUG

I beg your pardon ma’am. I have a long drive ahead of me. Would you mind if I grabbed a cup of coffee and a sandwich. (original)

Sarah hesitates recognizes Mick’s MID-SIZED WHITE TRUCK.

SARAH

Do you live on Green Lake? The old Pearson house? (original)

You live with MIke out at the old Pearson house? (new)

DOUG

Yes, ma’am. That’s me. (original)

Yes, ma’am. Mick’s my older brother. (new)

SARAH

I recognize the truck. Come in. (original))

SARAH

Come on in. (new)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I chose a couple of scenes to try and elevate the dialogue with dialogue as action and subtext. In the process I may have used a few cliches…

AFTER

JANE SMITH (62) and DAVE SMITH (65) sit at a large table comforting each other.

JANE

Luke had his issues, but he stopped using three years ago.

DAVE

He called me the night before last said he’d bumped into some friends and was catching a ride back.

JESS

Where was he?

DAVE

He was working a delivery job. Sometimes he’d drop a load, mostly local produce: fruit, veg, dairy. He’d leave the van and catch a bus or a ride back. Sometimes he’d bring the van back.

Jess and the Sheriff exchange a look.

JESS

Was this his vehicle?

Jess holds up a tablet. Dave then Jane look at a PHOTO of the BLUE PICK-UP TRUCK.

JANE

No. The delivery van was black, belonged to his employer, Skagit and Sons.

SHERIFF MOORE

Does Luke have any close friends, anyone he hangs out with.

DAVE

Not really. He was a bit of a loner. Occasionally he played pool and went for a beer at the Boathouse.

JESS

Any reason to suspect anyone would harm Luke or either of you.

Jane and Dave look surprised.

JANE

No. We get along with everyone. Luke gets along with everyone.

JESS

Anything to add Mr Smith. You seem quiet.

DAVE

I can’t believe he would just disappear like that.

Dave stands up and goes to the window looks out.

JESS

You seem irritated.

DAVE

He owes me money.

JANE

Jesus, Dave. Is that all you care about.

SHERIFF MOORE

And he still lives here?

JANE

In the basement suite.

JESS

Mind if we take a look.

DAVE

Follow me.

Jane reaches out and grabs Jess’ arm.

JANE

If anyone can find Luke it’ll be you.

JESS

We’re doing everything we can.

BEFORE

JANE SMITH (62) and DAVE SMITH (65) sit at a large table comforting each other.

JANE

Luke had his issues, but he stopped using drugs three years ago.

DAVE

He called me the night before last said he’d bumped into some friends and was catching a ride back.

JESS

So he’d been out of town?

DAVE

He was working a delivery job. Sometimes he’d drop a load, mostly local produce: fruit, veg, dairy. He’d leave the van and catch a bus or a ride back. Sometimes he’d bring the van back.

Jess and the Sheriff exchange a look.

JESS

Was this his vehicle?

Jess holds up a tablet. Dave then Jane look at a PHOTO of the BLUE PICK-UP TRUCK.

JANE

No. The delivery van was black, belonged to his employer, Skagit and Sons.

SHERIFF MOORE

Does Luke have any close friends, anyone he hangs out with.

JANE

Not really. He was a bit of a loner. Occasionally he played pool and went for a beer at the Boathouse.

JESS

Do you know or have any reason to suspect anyone who would harm Luke or either of you.

Jane and Dave look surprised.

JANE

No. We get along with everyone. Luke gets along with everyone.

SHERIFF MOORE

And he still lives here?

JANE

Yes, he lives in the basement suite.

JESS

Mind if we take a look.

Dave stands up.

DAVE

Follow me.

JANE

Jess.

Jess turns around.

JANE(CONT’D)

If anyone can find Luke it’ll be you.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned is that I’ll be taking several more passes through my dialogue and I’m really enjoying this. I already knew about some of the dialogue techniques but this framework sheds a whole new light. Below are some examples of what I changed.

Anticipatory:

AFTER:

DR. WILLIAMS

It’s Doctor Williams. I have a preliminary cause of death. It’s complicated and a little weird. Firstly, both Steve and Anna were drugged then slashed across the arms, legs, and chest. Their bodies were picked over most likely by crows, ravens, coyotes, maybe a bear.

JESS

Are you saying they would have survived.

DR. WILLIAMS

I believe they were already dead. But a second opinion would confirm that. There’s a Doctor Chris Johnson who specializes in animal injuries. I’m going to ask her to drive up here tomorrow to examine the bodies.

JESS

Whoever killed them meant to?

DR. WILLIAMS

Yes. But if their bodies hadn’t been discovered when they were much of the evidence would have been lost.

JESS

Either they hung around to watch or were sure that no-one would pass through.

DR. WILLIAMS

The preliminary toxicology screen shows no recreational drugs in their system, but I found traces of cocaine on Steve’s hands. If anything he was handling.

JESS

Good to know.

BEFORE:

DR. WILLIAMS

It’s Doctor Williams. I have a preliminary cause of death. It’s complicated and a little weird. Firstly, both Steve and Anna were drugged then slashed across the arms, legs, and chest. Their bodies were picked over most likely by crows, ravens, coyotes, maybe a bear. I think that’s what killed them in the end.

JESS

Are you saying they would have survived if it wasn’t for the birds and animals.

DR. WILLIAMS

I believe so. But a second opinion would confirm that. There’s a Doctor Chris Johnson who specializes in animal injuries. I’m going to ask her to drive up here tomorrow to examine the bodies.

JESS

How long did it take them to die?

DR. WILLIAMS

I would say two hours. It would have been a painful death.

JESS

Whoever killed them would have known that?

DR. WILLIAMS

Most likely. The killer took a chance. Someone could have interrupted them.

JESS

Either they hung around to watch or were sure that no-one would pass through.

DR. WILLIAMS

The preliminary toxicology screen shows no recreational drugs in their system.

JESS

Good to know.

Set Up/Payoff/Irony

AFTER:

Sarah moves closer to Jess.

SARAH

Maybe we can catch up later.

JESS

Everything okay?

SARAH

I just heard about the murders. Whole town is talking about them.

JESS

We wanted to keep everything quiet until tomorrow afternoon’s news conference.

SARAH

There are no secrets in a small town.

JESS

(pointedly)

There are always some.

SARAH

Not as many as you think.

JESS

You’re right. There’s more.

SARAH

I gotta go.

Jess sips on her beer as she watches Sarah walk away towards MAYOR HARRIS (55).

She checks her phone “no new messages”.

BEFORE:

Sarah moves closer to Jess.

SARAH

Maybe we can catch up later.

JESS

Everything okay?

SARAH

I just heard about the murders.

Whole town is talking about them.

JESS

We wanted to keep everything quiet until tomorrow afternoon’s news conference.

SARAH

There are no secrets in a small town.

JESS

There are always some.

Jess sips on her beer as she watches Sarah walk away towards MAYOR HARRIS (55).

She checks her phone “no new messages”.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara Gilmore Dialogue 1 + 2

I rewrote three scenes in Act 3 using the attack/counterattack framework and one of the scenes also incorporated a character wound.

So one of the scenes that I rewrote the dialogue for was the first time that Jess and Sarah meet up after 3 years of not being in contact.

I also rewrote the dialogue for the scene where Jess and Sheriff Pearson go talk to Luke’s (who disappeared) parents.

I found the dialogue 1 + 2 lesson extremely useful and I plan on using all dialogue lessons to rewrite and/or review all Acts 1 through 5 plus Teaser.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m still working on Draft 2 but I already used Grids 1 and Grid 2 to help identify and solve some problems I see with Draft 1. I’m wondering if I’ll not see any problems :))…

I also have my protagonist stay at a haunted house and I’m wondering if that adds to the story or detracts from it…I want it to be an added layer and it’s part of two characters it’s meant to add intrigue and suspense…but does it work or is it out of place…also there are undertones of animals being impacted by humans and I might introduce a wildfire as a ticking clock but also to show that reality for people living in remote areas those threats they face…

Weak Scenes:

Characters need more Depth and we need to care about and elicit audience engagement:

I introduced another wound for Jess not only is she sent to another jurisdiction but she’s also demoted. A male colleague (and this will be revealed later) was not demoted when doing the same thing as her.

Exposition instead of reveals and scenes that are not intriguing:

Several of my scenes have too much exposition and lack intrigue.

Weak Antagonist:

My antagonist appears in just two scenes in the Pilot. The identity of the perpetrators are bound up in the murder and disappearance mysteries. However, like my protagonist, Jess, my antagonist, Dave, experienced his own undeserved misfortune. Although he’s a bad guy I don’t want him to be one dimensional.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’m still working on Draft 2 but I already used Grids 1 and Grid 2 to help identify and solve some problems I see with Draft 1:

1. Weak Teaser:

I strengthened the Teaser by showing the likely sub-world (cash and drugs in the trunk).

2. Do My Acts work?

I strengthened Acts 1 & 2:

The character’s introduction and daily world.

Setting up a secret world of Jess that would be revealed as a TP at the Midpoint.

Act 1

I’d originally written Act 2 as Act 1 which meant I needed to write a new Act 1 to introduce my protagonist, Jess Pearson. Rather than use flashbacks for backstory I added a couple of layers and setups into Act 1 that would be revealed in Acts 2 and 3. So Jess is in court she always wins her cases, but this one is thrown out because the Judge dismisses her evidence. Her department loses a high profile case. Jess thinks someone leaked what she’d done to the Judge. She gets demoted and is sent to Green Lake.

The plan is that Act 1 is the cover up. In the Midpoint all will be revealed. So we’ll see a shift at the MIdpoint.

Weak Midpoint:

Midpoint

The midpoint will reveal that Jess is a secret hacker. She never leaves a trail or gets caught. It was she who tipped off the Judge so that she would lose the case. She had already spoken to her Captain about her desire to spend more time on cold cases. He had refused. By sending her to Green Lake, her Captain gets her out of his hair. Jess was already aware that Green Lake was looking for someone to help investigate its cold cases and she wants to return there to solve the case of her brother’s disappearance. The Judge is an ally.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

First Draft Acts 4 & 5 completed. Again I found writing to a structure very helpful. I can already see ways to change things up, improve, and elevate the scenes, the TPs.

[Barbara Gilmore]

First draft Act 3 is complete. I can see the value in using the tools learned throughout this course. I’ve been able to create several hopefully intriguing setups with payoffs and reveals later.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I finished the first draft of Act 2 I just need to check that it hits all the points I have in my Acts 1 through 5 beat sheet and outline.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I’ve finished Acts 1 and 2 (and Teaser) first drafts using the outline and high speed writing rules, but I need to review whether I fully deliver on the TPs.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I found that having written the structure for Act 1 as well being able to draw from the Pitch Bible and BW framework to guide very helpful. I was able to write 6 pages in about 5 hours…hopefully I can elevate the material in future drafts 🙂

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

So I’ve gone back and forth a bit on my outline so finally settling for this sticking to the original and this is my teaser First Draft.

What did I learn…to take out all the extraneous material certainly have tried to…for the 1st draft versus the original.

Module 4 Assignment 1 Teaser

Green Lake

A story: A Senior Detective solving cases.

B story: Relationships so Jess and Sheriff Moore; Jess and the Trafficking Network.

C story: Love story between Jess and Sarah, other family relationships.

Intriguing Concept:

After her ambitions are thwarted, Jess Pearson, a big city senior detective accepts a transfer to a remote jurisdiction. Within a day of her arrival, she’s sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in similar circumstances to that of her brother Adam’s disappearance five years before and in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation. Can Jess quickly solve both cases to become the Sheriff elect while bringing her brother home? And can she learn to live with the locals especially her one true love, Sarah Watson, architect and artist on a mission to green Green Lake.

Acts 1 & 2

Jess is presented as a Big City Detective who has recently been denied a promotion following the loss of a high profile case. Instead she’s offered a transfer to a remote jurisdiction and a demotion from Sergeant to Senior Detective. Within a day of her arrival, she’s sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation and where her brother, Adam disappeared five years ago.

Midpoint:

Jess believes that Sherriff Linda Moore botched the investigation of her brother’s disappearance and is determined to solve both cases with or without the Sheriff’s help.

As Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low. Jess starts searching the office and discovers Sheriff Moore’s little black book of actual crime statistics, now she suspects that the Sheriff is corrupt.

Lock In:

Against her better judgement, Jess uses her secret hacking skills that got her reassigned and demoted and soon uncovers a local Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and unsolved cases, including Adam’s. She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved.

Inciting Incident:

At the meet up is Captain Anderson, Bill Smith (Luke’s father), Sarah Watson, and Sheriff Moore.

Act 1:

Essence: Senior Detective Jess Pearson is in court to give evidence on a high-profile money laundering case when she becomes unstuck by one of the judge’s questions.

Turning Point: Jess is reassigned to another jurisdiction – because her illegal hacking skills (not yet revealed) cost the department a high-profile case.

Act 1:

o Main Mystery: Why did the city team lose their case?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Jess sent to another office and not fired; why is she being sent to this office?

o Turning Point: Jess’ Boss gives her a second chance go work with Captain Anderson he supports the County Sheriff’s office out at Green Lake.

o Forced Decision: Must do the thing they would never do. Jess is reassigned to another department one that is in the same jurisdiction where she used to summer vacation which means she has to confront her past.

o Main Open Loop: How will Jess react to being reassigned to Green Lake which is where she used to summer vacation and where her brother disappeared?

o Sub-Open Loops: How will Jess react to being demoted?

Act 2:

Essence: Jess arrives at her new office and within a day is sent to Green Lake to investigate a double murder of Anna Cole and Steve Beresford, and the disappearance of Luke Smith.

Turning Point/Midpoint: Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low.

Act 2:

o Main Mystery: A couple (Anna & Steve) are stabbed at a Trail Head Rest Stop and their friend, Luke Smith, disappears. Who killed them and why?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why did they stop when they were only ten minutes from home?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess solve the recent murder of the couple (Anna & Steve) and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith.

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Exposed: Something hidden about the character is uncovered, either good or bad. How does the character respond. Jess’ secret hacking skills (not widely known) derail her department’s high profile court case and they lose. Those skills are only known to some who will go on to exploit Jess who wants these skills to remain a secret for fear of losing her Detective’s badge.

Act 3:

Essence: Jess reconnects with her ex-lover, love of her life, and best friend, Sarah Watson for support.

Turning Point: Sarah’s boyfriend, Nick Milford, who found the victims bodies, is now the department’s prime suspects.

Act 3:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick their killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick at the Trail Head stop?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Emotional Dilemma: Must choose between two equally distressing choices. Sarah must choose between Jess and Nick.

o Betrayal: The violation of a trust, relationship, or contract that results in physical or psychological damage. Jess and Sarah share a secret about Sarah’s parents death. However, both are oblivious to the fact that someone else witnessed the event and has already blackmailed Sarah and will blackmail Jess. But each believes they must have been betrayed by the other.

o Hurt those they love: The only way to survive is to do damage to their loved ones. Jess left the love of her life, Sarah Watson, to escape a good relationship gone bad. Will she do the same thing again?

Act 4:

Essence: Jess doesn’t believe that Nick is the killer.

Turning Point: Jess uses her hacking skills to delve into the lives of those involved in the unreported crimes in Sheriff Moore’s little black book.

Act 4:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick the killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick following Steve, Luke, and Anna?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Must Make Decision with Future Consequences: Jess again uses her hacking skills to investigate Sheriff Moore and uncovers a wider network of illegal activity.

Act 5:

Essence: Jess uncovers a Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and other unsolved cases, including that of her brother, Adam.

Lock In: She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved: Sheriff Moore, Captain Anderson, Dave Smith (Luke’s father), and Sarah Watson.

Act 5:

o Main Mystery: Who is involved in the trafficking Network?

o Sub-Mysteries: Is it really a Trafficking Network or something else?

o Main Open Loop: Will we find out whether Moore, Anderson, Smith, and Sarah Watson why they are meeting at the car park?

o Sub-Open Loops: Why is Sarah involved?

o Crucible: Trapped in a situation of severe test where great change takes place. Sheriff Moore and Jess are kidnapped by the Traffickers and only one of them gets to live.

GREEN LAKE:

TEASER

1 EXT. REMOTE HIGHWAY – DUSK

CAPTION: Present Day

A dark-blue PICK-UP TRUCK travels along a remote single-lane highway bounded by dense forest. (1st Draft)

2 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Two men (Steve Beresford and Luke Smith) and a woman (Anna Cole) travelling in a pickup truck. The male passenger in the front seat (Luke Smith) wants to pull over to go to the washroom. The male driver (Steve Beresford) protests. Luke grabs the wheel and pulls them onto a dirt track road. Steve and Luke almost fight. Female rear passenger (Anna Cole) calms things down. (1st Draft)

Original:

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat. At first glance they seem like a married couple with their matching plaid shirts, hipster haircuts, and skinny jeans.

But Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, punk goth, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke, jealous, throws Steve a look, Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.

The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 50m on the left”.

LUKE

Pull over. I gotta pee.

STEVE

Suck it up, man. We’re twenty minutes away.

Anna starts singing.

ANNA

Luke’s gotta pee. Luke’s gotta pee.

Luke leans over, grabs the wheel, and hangs a hard left. Steve hits the brakes as the pick-up leaves the highway and SKIDS along a single dirt track.

Steve angrily pushes Luke’s hand away from the steering wheel.

STEVE

Don’t do that again, buddy.

Luke gives him the finger.

3 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – DIRT ROAD – DUSK

The pick-up kicks up dust as it bounces over the dirt track.

4 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Nature protecting itself from humans. Anna protecting herself from nature.

Nature protecting itself from humans. Anna protecting herself from nature.

Anna grabs on to an overhead handle as she peers out at the dense overhanging branches as they SCRATCH and SCRAPE at the

pick-up’s doors and windows.

5 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

Luke exits the truck. Walks into human garbage. Is angry. Humans have damaged nature. The local wildlife are watching him. (1st Draft)

Original:

The pick-up SLIDES to a halt.

Luke gets out, SLAMS the door, and walks straight into a PILE of JUNKFOOD WRAPPERS and SODA CARTONS. He kicks at them. Some

fly into the air.

LUKE

Human fuckers.

He jogs to the OUTHOUSE.

A bird SCREETCHES from the forest.

Luke looks around and spots a BALD EAGLE perched at the very top of a tall Ponderosa Pine. The eagle SWOOPS DOWN and across the car park towards him.

Luke quickly opens the outhouse door and SLAMS it shut. The eagle pulls up and lands on a nearby tree, eyes fixated on the outhouse.

6 INT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – OUTHOUSE – DUSK

Luke enters the outhouse. He’s afraid. Has a phobia about the monster in the toilet. He paces, waits to take the plunge. (1st Draft)

Luke enters the outhouse. He’s afraid. Has a phobia about the monster in the toilet. Is he on drugs or is he sick? (Original)

Luke locks the door behind him. He tears off some toilet paper, and carefully wipes the toilet seat, lifts it up, wipes the rim, then drops the seat.

Perspiring heavily, he grabs more toilet paper and wipes his forehead. He stoops over in pain, nervously pulling on his nose, as he stares into the darkness of the chemical pit and listens (for the imaginary monster DOWN THERE).

LUKE

(quietly to self)

Go on show yourself..

IN THE BACKGROUND: Punk rock music BLASTS from the pick-up.

LUKE (CONT’D)

Okay..

(exhales)

There’s nothing there..

Luke takes the plunge and sits on the toilet seat. Diarrhea SPLASHES and PLOPS into the bowels of the pit. His right hand shakes as he tears off another handful of toilet paper and wipes himself. Finished, he stands up.

LUKE (CONT’D)

(quietly to self)

Fuck…

He pushes the DISPENSER and rubs the liquid soap into his hands. He pulls out a RED HANDKERCHIEF and dries his hands.

7 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

Luke exits the outhouse. He’s happy. The birds block his path back to the truck. He hears their agitation then silence. He calls out to Steve and Anna. He soon sees that they’ve been attacked and are dead. A shadow of a figure flits behind him. (1ST DRAFT)

Original:

Luke exits the outhouse. He’s happy. The birds block his path back to the truck. He hears their agitation then silence. He calls out to Steve and Anna. He soon sees that they’ve been attacked and are dead. A shadow of a figure flits behind him.

IN THE BACKGROUND: Punk rock MUSIC from the pick-up.

The outhouse door opens and Luke exits. He pulls on a set of earbuds attached to the cellphone in his pocket and pushes up the VOLUME, mouths and head bangs on his way back to the pickup.

THREE RAVENS suddenly land in front of him, defiant, blocking his path. He STOPS, pulls off his headphones, and is met with the overwhelming sound of SHRILL birds.

He looks up at the surrounding trees: HUNDREDS of RAVENS have gathered, the BALD EAGLE hops to a closer vantage point, ready to swoop down.

He notices that all four doors of the pick-up are wide open and there’s a pool of blood on the ground next to the driver’s door. The MUSIC is still playing.

Luke, slowly spins around eyes searching the outhouse to the forest, and the outhouse to the car park, and back to the pick-up.

1st Draft:

LUKE

(shouts)

Steve..Anna..

The MUSIC from the pickup STOPS.

THE RAVENS fall SILENT.

FOOTSTEPS near the pick-up.

Luke, listens, eyes searching the truck and the forest beyond.

LUKE (CONT’D)

Anna….Steve…

THE RAVENS start CALLING again.

As Luke moves closer to the truck Steve comes into full view. He’s lying on his back across the driver’s seat, face up, head hanging off the edge, blood dripping from head and neck wounds forms a large pool of blood on the tarmac. His legs splayed across the passenger seat, his jeans ripped, legs cut and bleeding.

Luke, stunned, gets closer…

LUKE (CONT’D)

Oh shit..Steve?

A SHADOW FLITS behind Luke.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned is that I don’t have all the answers and rather than stay stuck this is what I have so far…beat sheet, outline needs a bit more work does the story flow? Not sure…but I do understand why we are doing this: it’s way is easier to move the scenes around when it’s just an outline versus a complete scene with dialogue.

I changed Act 1 to be Act 0 not sure if I’ll tell another way and so the old Act 2 is now Act 1..

Green Lake

A story: A Senior Detective solving cases.

B story: Relationships so Jess and Sheriff Moore; Jess and the Trafficking Network.

C story: Love story between Jess and Sarah, other family relationships.

Intriguing Concept:

After her ambitions are thwarted, Jess Pearson, a big city senior detective accepts a transfer to a remote jurisdiction. Within a day of her arrival, she’s sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in similar circumstances to that of her brother Adam’s disappearance five years before and in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation. Can Jess quickly solve both cases to become the Sheriff elect while bringing her brother home? And can she learn to live with the locals especially her one true love, Sarah Watson, architect and artist on a mission to green Green Lake.

Act 1:

Jess is presented as a Big City Detective who has recently been denied a promotion following the loss of a high profile case. Instead she’s offered a transfer to a remote jurisdiction and a demotion from Sergeant to Senior Detective. Within a day of her arrival, she’s sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation and where her brother, Adam disappeared five years ago.

Midpoint:

Jess believes that Sherriff Linda Moore botched the investigation of her brother’s disappearance and is determined to solve both cases with or without the Sheriff’s help.

As Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low. Jess starts searching the office and discovers Sheriff Moore’s little black book of actual crime statistics, now she suspects that the Sheriff is corrupt.

Lock In:

Against her better judgement, Jess uses her secret hacking skills that got her reassigned and demoted and soon uncovers a local Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and unsolved cases, including Adam’s. She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved.

Inciting Incident:

At the meet up is Captain Anderson, Bill Smith (Luke’s father), Sarah Watson, and Sheriff Moore.

May or may not include this as Act 1 may begin from Act 2

Act 0:

Essence: Senior Detective Jess Pearson is in court to give evidence on a high-profile money laundering case when she becomes unstuck by one of the judge’s questions.

Turning Point: Jess is reassigned to another jurisdiction – because her illegal hacking skills (not yet revealed) cost the department a high-profile case.

Act 0:

o Main Mystery: Why did the city team lose their case?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Jess sent to another office and not fired; why is she being sent to this office?

o Turning Point: Jess’ Boss gives her a second chance go work with Captain Anderson he supports the County Sheriff’s office out at Green Lake.

o Forced Decision: Must do the thing they would never do. Jess is reassigned to another department one that is in the same jurisdiction where she used to summer vacation which means she has to confront her past.

o Main Open Loop: How will Jess react to being reassigned to Green Lake which is where she used to summer vacation and where her brother disappeared?

o Sub-Open Loops: How will Jess react to being demoted?

ACT 1:

Essence: Jess arrives at her new office and within a day is sent to Green Lake to investigate a double murder of Anna Cole and Steve Beresford, and the disappearance of Luke Smith.

Turning Point/Midpoint: Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low.

ACT 1:

o Main Mystery: A couple (Anna & Steve) are stabbed at a Trail Head Rest Stop and their friend, Luke Smith, disappears. Who killed them and why?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why did they stop when they were only ten minutes from home?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess solve the recent murder of the couple (Anna & Steve) and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith.

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Exposed: Something hidden about the character is uncovered, either good or bad. How does the character respond. Jess’ secret hacking skills (not widely known) derail her department’s high profile court case and they lose. Those skills are only known to some who will go on to exploit Jess who wants these skills to remain a secret for fear of losing her Detective’s badge.

ACT 2:

Essence: Jess reconnects with her ex-lover, love of her life, and best friend, Sarah Watson for support.

Turning Point: Sarah’s boyfriend, Nick Milford, who found the victims bodies, is now the department’s prime suspects.

ACT 2:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick their killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick at the Trail Head stop?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Emotional Dilemma: Must choose between two equally distressing choices. Sarah must choose between Jess and Nick.

o Betrayal: The violation of a trust, relationship, or contract that results in physical or psychological damage. Jess and Sarah share a secret about Sarah’s parents death. However, both are oblivious to the fact that someone else witnessed the event and has already blackmailed Sarah and will blackmail Jess. But each believes they must have been betrayed by the other.

o Hurt those they love: The only way to survive is to do damage to their loved ones. Jess left the love of her life, Sarah Watson, to escape a good relationship gone bad. Will she do the same thing again?

ACT 3:

Essence: Jess doesn’t believe that Nick is the killer.

Turning Point: Jess uses her hacking skills to delve into the lives of those involved in the unreported crimes in Sheriff Moore’s little black book.

ACT 3:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick the killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick following Steve, Luke, and Anna?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Must Make Decision with Future Consequences: Jess again uses her hacking skills to investigate Sheriff Moore and uncovers a wider network of illegal activity.

ACT 4:

Essence: Jess uncovers a Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and other unsolved cases, including that of her brother, Adam.

Lock In: She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved: Sheriff Moore, Captain Anderson, Dave Smith (Luke’s father), and Sarah Watson.

ACT 4:

o Main Mystery: Who is involved in the trafficking Network?

o Sub-Mysteries: Is it really a Trafficking Network or something else?

o Main Open Loop: Will we find out whether Moore, Anderson, Smith, and Sarah Watson why they are meeting at the car park?

o Sub-Open Loops: Why is Sarah involved?

o Crucible: Trapped in a situation of severe test where great change takes place. Sheriff Moore and Jess are kidnapped by the Traffickers and only one of them gets to live.

Act 5:

TBD

TEASER

Essence of scenes 1 through 7 (the teaser) is to introduce the main mystery and the three characters murdered or disappeared.

1 EXT. REMOTE HIGHWAY – DUSK

CAPTION: Present Day

A dark-blue PICK-UP TRUCK travels along a remote single-lane highway bounded by dense forest.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation: character goal, need, value, want, wound, physical.

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core is to capture the world and introduce the truck belonging to 2 murder victims.

Open Loop: Will we find out who this truck is being driven by.

Mystery: Who is driving this truck.

Empathy/Distress: N/A.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A

Setup: Truck that belongs to the murdered couple.

2 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Two men (Steve Beresford and Luke Smith) and a woman (Anna Cole) travelling in a pickup truck. The male passenger in the front seat (Luke Smith) wants to pull over to go to the washroom. The male driver (Steve Beresford) protests. Luke grabs the wheel and pulls them onto a dirt track road. Steve and Luke almost fight. Female rear passenger (Anna Cole) calms things down.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start: Three friends driving in a pick up truck.

Challenging Situation: It’s dusk. It’s remote. Driver wants to get home.

Conflict: Driver doesn’t want to stop at the rest stop. Passenger does.

Action: Passenger and Driver argue.

Finish: Truck pulls over.

Intriguing Core is to introduce three characters who by the end of the teaser have been murdered or disappeared.

Open Loop: Will we find out the true nature of each relationship: Steve and Anna; Anna and Luke; Luke and Steve.

Mystery: Where have they driven from and where are they driving to.

Empathy/Distress: Luke needs to pee.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A

Setup: ?

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat. At first glance they seem like a married couple with their matching plaid shirts, hipster haircuts, and skinny jeans.

But Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, punk goth, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke, jealous, throws Steve a look, Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.

The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 50m on the left”.

Luke leans over, grabs the wheel, and hangs a hard left. Steve hits the brakes as the pick-up leaves the highway and SKIDS along a single dirt track.

Steve angrily pushes Luke’s hand away from the steering wheel.

3 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – DIRT ROAD – DUSK

The pick-up kicks up dust as it bounces over the dirt track.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core is to show how dry the soil is, how remote, rough the terrain is.

Open Loop: Will we find out why the soil is so dry.

Mystery: N/A.

Empathy/Distress: N/A.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A

Setup: Why is the soil so dry? (Payoff we’ll find out that Green Lake is experiencing a drought).

4 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Nature protecting itself from humans. Anna protecting herself from nature.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Anna grabs on to an overhead handle as she peers out at the dense overhanging branches as they SCRATCH and SCRAPE at the pick-up’s doors and windows.

Intriguing Core is to show how easily humans and their cars invade nature and how nature protects itself.

Open Loop: Will we find out why the soil is so dry.

Mystery: N/A.

Empathy/Distress: Characters are driving to a remote washroom at dusk.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A

Setup: Will something bad happen to Luke, Steve, and Anna.

5 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

Luke exits the truck. Walks into human garbage. Is angry. Humans have damaged nature. The local wildlife are watching him.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core is why the emergency to stop at this Trail Head washroom.

Open Loop: Why are the wildlife watching them?

Mystery: Will we find out why they stopped here?

Empathy/Distress: Sometimes you just gotta go.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A.

Setup: Junk food has poisoned the birds and animal population, but is there more to it?

The pick-up SLIDES to a halt.

Luke gets out, SLAMS the door, and walks straight into a PILE of JUNKFOOD WRAPPERS and SODA CARTONS. He kicks at them. Some fly into the air.

He jogs to the OUTHOUSE.

A bird SCREETCHES from the forest.

Luke looks around and spots a BALD EAGLE perched at the very top of a tall Ponderosa Pine. The eagle SWOOPS DOWN and across the car park towards him.

Luke quickly opens the outhouse door and SLAMS it shut. The eagle pulls up and lands on a nearby tree, eyes fixated on the outhouse.

6 INT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – OUTHOUSE – DUSK

Luke enters the outhouse. He’s afraid. Has a phobia about the monster in the toilet. He paces, waits to take the plunge.

Luke enters the outhouse. He’s afraid. Has a phobia about the monster in the toilet.

Luke locks the door behind him. He tears off some toilet paper, and carefully wipes the toilet seat, lifts it up, wipes the rim, then drops the seat.

Perspiring heavily, he grabs more toilet paper and wipes his forehead. He stoops over in pain, nervously pulling on his nose, as he stares into the darkness of the chemical pit and listens (for the imaginary monster DOWN THERE).

Intriguing world:

Mystery: Is he sick or on drugs?

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core is why would they stop at this Trail Head washroom.

Open Loop: Will we find out why they stopped here?

Mystery: Is Luke sick or on drugs?

Empathy/Distress: Everyone fears the monster in the Outhouse toilet that comes out after sundown.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A.

Setup: Junk food has poisoned the birds and animal population, but is there more to it?

Luke takes the plunge and sits on the toilet seat. Diarrhea SPLASHES and PLOPS into the bowels of the pit. His right hand shakes as he tears off another handful of toilet paper and wipes himself. Finished, he stands up.

He pushes the DISPENSER and rubs the liquid soap into his hands. He pulls out a RED HANDKERCHIEF and dries his hands.

7 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

Luke exits the outhouse. He’s happy. The birds block his path back to the truck. He hears their agitation then silence. He calls out to Steve and Anna. He soon sees that they’ve been attacked and are dead. A shadow of a figure flits behind him.

Luke exits the outhouse. He’s happy. The birds block his path back to the truck. He hears their agitation then silence. He calls out to Steve and Anna. He soon sees that they’ve been attacked and are dead. A shadow of a figure flits behind him.

IN THE BACKGROUND: Punk rock MUSIC from the pick-up.

The outhouse door opens and Luke exits. He pulls on a set of earbuds attached to the cellphone in his pocket and pushes up the VOLUME, mouths and head bangs on his way back to the pickup.

THREE RAVENS suddenly land in front of him, defiant, blocking his path. He STOPS, pulls off his headphones, and is met with the overwhelming sound of SHRILL birds.

He looks up at the surrounding trees: HUNDREDS of RAVENS have gathered, the BALD EAGLE hops to a closer vantage point, ready to swoop down.

He notices that all four doors of the pick-up are wide open and there’s a pool of blood on the ground next to the driver’s door. The MUSIC is still playing.

Luke, slowly spins around eyes searching the outhouse to the forest, and the outhouse to the car park, and back to the pick-up.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core why are the birds acting in a weird way; what’s happened to Steve and Anna?

Open Loop: Why are the birds acting like this?

Mystery: Who killed Anna and Steve? Who is the shadowy figure?

Empathy/Distress: Luke is afraid the birds will attack him; Luke comes across the murder scene: his friends are dead.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A.

Setup: Crazy animal behaviour.

The MUSIC from the pickup STOPS.

THE RAVENS fall SILENT.

FOOTSTEPS near the pick-up.

Luke, listens, eyes searching the truck and the forest beyond.

THE RAVENS start CALLING again.

As Luke moves closer to the truck Steve comes into full view. He’s lying on his back across the driver’s seat, face up, head hanging off the edge, blood dripping from head and neck wounds forms a large pool of blood on the tarmac. His legs splayed across the passenger seat, his jeans ripped, legs cut and bleeding.

Luke, stunned, gets closer…

A SHADOW FLITS behind Luke.

ACT 1:

Essence: Jess arrives at her new office and within a day is sent to Green Lake to investigate a double murder of Anna Cole and Steve Beresford, and the disappearance of Luke Smith.

Turning Point/Midpoint: Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low.

ACT 1:

o Main Mystery: A couple (Anna & Steve) are stabbed at a Trail Head Rest Stop and their friend, Luke Smith, disappears. Who killed them and why?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why did they stop when they were only ten minutes from home?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess solve the recent murder of the couple (Anna & Steve) and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith.

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Exposed: Something hidden about the character is uncovered, either good or bad. How does the character respond. Jess’ secret hacking skills (not widely known) derail her department’s high profile court case and they lose. Those skills are only known to some who will go on to exploit Jess who wants these skills to remain a secret for fear of losing her Detective’s badge.

ACT 1

8 INT. BLACK SUV – DAY

A female detective (Senior Detective Jess Pearson) is driving and turns off the highway to the crime scene.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

9 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – ENTRANCE – DAY

Jess Pearson introduces herself to the Officer guarding the crime scene. Officer James warns her of the gruesome scene ahead. If Jess is fazed she hides it well until out of the Officer’s sight.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

10 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DAY

Jess exits her car and surveys the crime scene. The Sheriff (Sheriff Linda Moore) approaches and introduces herself. But they already know each other. Sheriff Moore asks Jess to keep an open mind and not conflate with her brother’s case.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

11 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – PARKING STALLS – DAY

Jess examines the crime scene in detail. Sheriff describes what they know so far about the victims, who is missing, and it was Nick Beresford who found the bodies. The Pathologist, Doctor Sally Williams, arrives. Sheriff mentions a similar case five years before involving Jess’ brother. They discuss the victims possible involvement with drug dealing. Sheriff asks Jess where she’s staying. Jess tells her that she’s staying at the Johnson Twins B&B. Isn’t that haunted: the Sheriff and Dr. Williams tease Jess.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

11 EXT. OUTHOUSE – DAY

Jess hangs back and takes another look around the crime scene.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

12 INT. OUTHOUSE – DAY

Jess inspects the Outhouse in more detail.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

13 EXT. OUTHOUSE – DAY

Jess exits the Outhouse.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

14 EXT. CAR PARK – DAY

Jess walks to the forest checking for more crime scene evidence.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

15 EXT. FOREST – DAY

Jess senses someone watching but there’s no-one there. She leaves the forested area.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

16 EXT. FORENSIC TENT – DAY

Jess asks the Forensic Team to collect samples from the Outhouse and the stream.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

ACT 2:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick their killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick at the Trail Head stop?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Emotional Dilemma: Must choose between two equally distressing choices. Sarah must choose between Jess and Nick.

o Betrayal: The violation of a trust, relationship, or contract that results in physical or psychological damage. Jess and Sarah share a secret about Sarah’s parents death. However, both are oblivious to the fact that someone else witnessed the event and has already blackmailed Sarah and will blackmail Jess. But each believes they must have been betrayed by the other.

o Hurt those they love: The only way to survive is to do damage to their loved ones. Jess left the love of her life, Sarah Watson, to escape a good relationship gone bad. Will she do the same thing again?

17 INT. BLACK SUV – DAY

Jess calls her boss, Captain Anderson, and leaves a voicemail update about the case. Jess offers to go with Sheriff Moore to inform Steve and Anna’s parents. Sheriff declines and instead asks her to meet her at Luke Smith’s parents house in one hour.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

18 INT. BLACK SUV – MOVING – DAY

Jess drives to meet Sheriff Moore at the Smith residence.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

19 EXT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Sheriff gives Jess some background on Luke Smith. All positive.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

20 INT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff Moore inform the Smith’s about Luke’s disappearance. They also question them about when they last saw him, any enemies etc.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

21 EXT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Dave Smith takes them to Luke’s apartment at the rear of the house.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

22 INT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff enter Luke’s apartment. It’s sparse, neat, tidy, and clean. They take Luke’s laptop.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

23 EXT. SMITH RESIDENCE – BASEMENT SUITE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff exit Luke’s apartment. Jess hands Dave her card. Asks him to call her if they hear from Luke or anyone else.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

24 EXT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff briefly discuss what they think has happened to Luke.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

25 INT. POLICE STATION – MAIN OFFICE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff return to the station where Officer James has already set up the case whiteboard with a timeline and the players.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

26 INT. POLICE STATION – INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY

Nick Milburn who discovered the bodies is interviewed by Jess and Sheriff Moore.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

ACT 3:

Essence: Jess doesn’t believe that Nick is the killer.

Turning Point: Jess uses her hacking skills to delve into the lives of those involved in the unreported crimes in Sheriff Moore’s little black book.

ACT 3:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick the killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick following Steve, Luke, and Anna?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Must Make Decision with Future Consequences: Jess again uses her hacking skills to investigate Sheriff Moore and uncovers a wider network of illegal activity.

ACT 3

27 INT. POLICE STATION – MAIN OFFICE – DAY

Jess has reviewed the evidence and is not ruling Luke out from being involved.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

28 INT. BLACK SUV – MOVING – DAY

Jess pulls over when she sees a sign for Sarah’s Coffee Stop.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

29 EXT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Jess exits her car and spots a notice board with a faded Missing Poster of her brother, Adam.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

30 INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Jess enters the Café. Sarah is unexpectedly friendly. Sarah gets upset when Jess asks to borrow the poster of Adam.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

31 INT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – TOP SUITE – DAY

Jess has stepped out of the shower and is blow drying her hair. She sees a young man walking through her apartment. She tries to find him but he’s gone. She calls Sarah and tries to tell her a weird thing just happened. Sarah tease her about being sucked into one of the house’s portals.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

32 EXT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – BOTTOM SUITE – DAY

Jess walks downstairs. She bumps into Peggy. She tells her that it was just Charles visiting.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

33 INT. MORTUARY – DAY

Dr. Williams on her cellphone flips through pages attached to a clipboard that sits on a trolley.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

34 EXT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – DRIVEWAY – DAY

Dr. Williams is calling Jess about the autopsy results: left to die by a human but killed off by the birds and coyotes.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

35 EXT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – DAY

Jess parks up. She joins the crowd here for the Art showing. Sarah tells Jess the whole town is talking about the murders.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

36 INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Jess bumps into Peggy and Patsy. They ask about the murders and whether they are safe.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

ACT 4:

Essence: Jess uncovers a Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and other unsolved cases, including that of her brother, Adam.

Lock In: She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved: Sheriff Moore, Captain Anderson, Dave Smith (Luke’s father), and Sarah Watson.

ACT 4:

o Main Mystery: Who is involved in the trafficking Network?

o Sub-Mysteries: Is it really a Trafficking Network or something else?

o Main Open Loop: Will we find out whether Moore, Anderson, Smith, and Sarah Watson why they are meeting at the car park?

o Sub-Open Loops: Why is Sarah involved?

o Crucible: Trapped in a situation of severe test where great change takes place. Sheriff Moore and Jess are kidnapped by the Traffickers and only one of them gets to live.

37 INT. LIBRARY – DAY 37

TBD

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

38 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – SUNRISE

Jess has reconvened more officers with the dogs to go over the crime scene again and expand the search area.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

39 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DAY

Jess and Sheriff leave the crime scene search early to attend a Town Hall news conference about the case.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

40 INT. TOWN HALL – DAY

Jess and Sheriff address the Town Hall crowd and the Press. They are joined by Dave and Jane Smith. They ask for the town’s help.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

41 INT. LIBRARY – DAY

TBD

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

42 EXT. GREEN LAKE – DAY

Jess takes some time out by going for a canoe ride on Green Lake. She revisits her old house. Gets caught up in a change of weather. We see a the same young man (Charles) sitting behind her in the canoe.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

43 EXT. THE YELLOW HOUSE – DOCK – DAY

Jess pulls up onto the dock of the house her parents used to own.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

44 EXT. THE YELLOW HOUSE – DRIVEWAY – DAY

Jess walks up the driveway of the house her parents used to own.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

45 EXT. YELLOW HOUSE – DAY

She knocks on the door of the house her parents used to own. No-one is home. She can see Patty and Peggy on the swing set. We see a man at the window. Jess walks back to the dock.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

46 EXT. GREEN LAKE – DAY

Jess paddles back across the lake to Peggy & Patty’s.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

47 INT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – TOP SUITE – NIGHT

Jess is woken by the noise of the swing set. She goes outside to the garden to investigate.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

48 EXT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT

Jess walks down to the lake to investigate. She sees Charles again. He’s coming right towards her. She gets ready to shoot him. But he’s gone. She calls Sarah, but it goes to voicemail. On her way back to the house a bear and her cubs block her path. Peggy and Patty appear to help her back to the house.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

49 INT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – BOTTOM SUITE – NIGHT

Patsy and Peggy make Jess a cup of tea.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

50 INT. THE YELLOW HOUSE – BASEMENT – DAY

Jess wakes up in the basement. She’s been kidnapped. Luke is in a cage across the room.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

ACT 5 TBD

51 INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – DAY

Sarah jumps out of bed. Gets the coffee machine started. Listens to Jess’ voicemail and calls her back. Her call goes straight to Jess’ voicemail. A man knocks at the café door and asks if he could grab an early breakfast. Sarah recognizes Mick as a summer vacationer of Green Lake. She lets him in.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

52 INT. MICK’S WHITE TRUCK – DAY

Luke is bound and gagged in the back of a truck. He tries to attract the voices he can hear outside.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

53 EXT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAR PARK – DAY

Sheriff Moore and Officer James walk past the white van. Sheriff calls Jess but it goes straight to voicemail.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

54 INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Sheriff enters the café. Sarah is already prepping their breakfast order. Sarah tells Sheriff she’s been unable to reach Jess. Not like her. Sheriff agrees to drive to Peggy and Patty’s to check on her.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

55 EXT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – DRIVEWAY – DAY

Sheriff and Officer James arrive. Get a call that Luke’s body has been found. Jess’ car is missing.

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

56 INT. LOCAL POLICE STATION – DAY

TBD

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

57 EXT. THE HIGHWAY – DAY

TBD

Intriguing world:

Mystery:

Secret:

Deception:

Conspiracy:

Secret Identity:

Wound:

Hidden Agenda:

Hidden Layer:

Strange Behaviour:

Imminent Threat:

Suspicion:

Start:

Challenging Situation:

Conflict:

Action:

Finish:

Intriguing Core:

Open Loop:

Mystery:

Empathy/Distress:

Payoff:

Irony:

Setup:

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I need a few more days to pull everything 10 through 12 together…but is getting there…

[Barbara Gilmore]

So I think i’m on the right track here…I focused on my Teaser…

What I learned was that I enjoyed deconstructing the scenes and picking holes in them are they intriguing enough…

Audio is asking for Intrigue and the handout is asking for

• Start:

• Challenging Situation:

• Conflict:

• Action:

• Finish:

So I need to add some things in but for now…

TEASER

Essence of scenes 1 through 7 (the teaser) or the Intriguing core is to introduce the main mystery of the series and to introduce the three characters murdered or disappeared.

1 EXT. REMOTE HIGHWAY – DUSK

CAPTION: Present Day

A dark-blue PICK-UP TRUCK travels along a remote single-lane highway bounded by dense forest.

Intriguing Core is to capture the world and introduce the truck belonging to 2 murder victims.

Open Loop: Will we find out who this truck is being driven by.

Mystery: Who is driving this truck.

Empathy/Distress: N/A.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A

Setup: Truck that belongs to the murdered couple.

2 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Two men (Steve Beresford and Luke Smith) and a woman (Anna Cole) travelling in a pickup truck. The male passenger in the front seat (Luke Smith) wants to pull over to go to the washroom. The male driver (Steve Beresford) protests. Luke grabs the wheel and pulls them onto a dirt track road. Steve and Luke almost fight. Female rear passenger (Anna Cole) calms things down.

Intriguing Core is to introduce three characters who by the end of the teaser have been murdered or disappeared.

Open Loop: Will we find out the true nature of each relationship: Steve and Anna; Anna and Luke; Luke and Steve.

Mystery: Where have they driven from and where are they driving to.

Empathy/Distress: Luke needs to pee.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A

Setup: ?

STEVE BERESFORD (34) is driving. LUKE SMITH (32) sits in the passenger seat. At first glance they seem like a married couple with their matching plaid shirts, hipster haircuts, and skinny jeans.

But Steve reaches behind and ANNA COLE (29), sitting in the back seat, punk goth, grabs his hand, caresses and kisses it, then lets it go.

Luke, jealous, throws Steve a look, Steve glances at Luke, purses his lips.

The pick-up’s headlights illuminate a ROAD SIGN “Bear Creek Rest Area and Trailhead 50m on the left”.

LUKE

Pull over. I gotta pee.

STEVE

Suck it up, man. We’re twenty minutes away.

Anna starts singing.

ANNA

Luke’s gotta pee. Luke’s gotta pee.

Luke leans over, grabs the wheel, and hangs a hard left. Steve hits the brakes as the pick-up leaves the highway and SKIDS along a single dirt track.

Steve angrily pushes Luke’s hand away from the steering wheel.

STEVE

Don’t do that again, buddy.

Luke gives him the finger.

3 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – DIRT ROAD – DUSK

The pick-up kicks up dust as it bounces over the dirt track.

Intriguing Core is to show how dry the soil is, how remote, rough the terrain is.

Open Loop: Will we find out why the soil is so dry.

Mystery: N/A.

Empathy/Distress: N/A.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A

Setup: Why is the soil so dry? (Payoff we’ll find out that Green Lake is experiencing a drought).

4 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Nature protecting itself from humans. Anna protecting herself from nature.

Anna grabs on to an overhead handle as she peers out at the dense overhanging branches as they SCRATCH and SCRAPE at the

pick-up’s doors and windows.

Intriguing Core is to show how easily humans and their cars invade nature and how nature protects itself.

Open Loop: Will we find out why the soil is so dry.

Mystery: N/A.

Empathy/Distress: Characters are driving to a remote washroom at dusk.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A

Setup: Will something bad happen to Luke, Steve, and Anna.

5 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

Luke exits the truck. Walks into human garbage. Is angry. Humans have damaged nature. The local wildlife are watching him.

Intriguing Core is why the emergency to stop at this Trail Head washroom.

Open Loop: Why are the wildlife watching them?

Mystery: Will we find out why they stopped here?

Empathy/Distress: Sometimes you just gotta go.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A.

Setup: Junk food has poisoned the birds and animal population, but is there more to it?

The pick-up SLIDES to a halt.

Luke gets out, SLAMS the door, and walks straight into a PILE of JUNKFOOD WRAPPERS and SODA CARTONS. He kicks at them. Some

fly into the air.

LUKE

Human fuckers.

He jogs to the OUTHOUSE.

A bird SCREETCHES from the forest.

Luke looks around and spots a BALD EAGLE perched at the very top of a tall Ponderosa Pine. The eagle SWOOPS DOWN and across the car park towards him.

Luke quickly opens the outhouse door and SLAMS it shut. The eagle pulls up and lands on a nearby tree, eyes fixated on the outhouse.

6 INT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – OUTHOUSE – DUSK

Luke enters the outhouse. He’s afraid. Has a phobia about the monster in the toilet. Is he on drugs or is he sick?

Luke locks the door behind him. He tears off some toilet paper, and carefully wipes the toilet seat, lifts it up, wipes the rim, then drops the seat.

Perspiring heavily, he grabs more toilet paper and wipes his forehead. He stoops over in pain, nervously pulling on his nose, as he stares into the darkness of the chemical pit and listens (for the imaginary monster DOWN THERE).

Intriguing Core is why would they stop at this Trail Head washroom.

Open Loop: Will we find out why they stopped here?

Mystery: Is Luke sick or on drugs?

Empathy/Distress: Everyone fears the monster in the Outhouse toilet that comes out after sundown.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A.

Setup: Junk food has poisoned the birds and animal population, but is there more to it?

LUKE

(quietly to self)

Go on show yourself..

IN THE BACKGROUND: Punk rock music BLASTS from the pick-up.

LUKE (CONT’D)

Okay..

(exhales)

There’s nothing there..

Luke takes the plunge and sits on the toilet seat. Diarrhea SPLASHES and PLOPS into the bowels of the pit. His right hand shakes as he tears off another handful of toilet paper and wipes himself. Finished, he stands up.

LUKE (CONT’D)

(quietly to self)

Fuck…

He pushes the DISPENSER and rubs the liquid soap into his hands. He pulls out a RED HANDKERCHIEF and dries his hands.

7 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

Luke exits the outhouse. He’s happy. The birds block his path back to the truck. He hears their agitation then silence. He calls out to Steve and Anna. He soon sees that they’ve been attacked and are dead. A shadow of a figure flits behind him.

IN THE BACKGROUND: Punk rock MUSIC from the pick-up.

The outhouse door opens and Luke exits. He pulls on a set of earbuds attached to the cellphone in his pocket and pushes up the VOLUME, mouths and head bangs on his way back to the pickup.

THREE RAVENS suddenly land in front of him, defiant, blocking his path. He STOPS, pulls off his headphones, and is met with the overwhelming sound of SHRILL birds.

He looks up at the surrounding trees: HUNDREDS of RAVENS have gathered, the BALD EAGLE hops to a closer vantage point, ready to swoop down.

He notices that all four doors of the pick-up are wide open and there’s a pool of blood on the ground next to the driver’s door. The MUSIC is still playing.

Luke, slowly spins around eyes searching the outhouse to the forest, and the outhouse to the car park, and back to the pick-up.

Intriguing Core why are the birds acting in a weird way; what’s happened to Steve and Anna?

Open Loop: Why are the birds acting like this?

Mystery: Who killed Anna and Steve? Who is the shadowy figure?

Empathy/Distress: Luke is afraid the birds will attack him; Luke comes across the murder scene: his friends are dead.

Payoff: N/A.

Irony (opposites present): N/A.

Setup: Crazy animal behaviour.

LUKE

(shouts)

Steve..Anna..

The MUSIC from the pickup STOPS.

THE RAVENS fall SILENT.

FOOTSTEPS near the pick-up.

Luke, listens, eyes searching the truck and the forest beyond.

LUKE (CONT’D)

Anna….Steve…

THE RAVENS start CALLING again.

As Luke moves closer to the truck Steve comes into full view. He’s lying on his back across the driver’s seat, face up, head hanging off the edge, blood dripping from head and neck wounds forms a large pool of blood on the tarmac. His legs splayed across the passenger seat, his jeans ripped, legs cut and bleeding.

Luke, stunned, gets closer…

LUKE (CONT’D)

Oh shit..Steve?

A SHADOW FLITS behind Luke.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

So I’m still not 100% on whether Act 1 will be act 1 or revealed later on…

Green Lake

A story: A Senior Detective solving cases.

B story: Relationships so Jess and Sheriff Moore; Jess and the Trafficking Network.

C story: Love story between Jess and Sarah, other family relationships

Intriguing Concept:

After her ambitions are thwarted, Jess Pearson, a big city senior detective accepts a transfer to a remote jurisdiction. Within a day of her arrival, she’s sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in similar circumstances to that of her brother Adam’s disappearance five years before and in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation. Can Jess quickly solve both cases to become the Sheriff elect while bringing her brother home? And can she learn to live with the locals especially her one true love, Sarah Watson, architect and artist on a mission to green Green Lake.

Act 1:

Jess is presented as a Big City Detective who has recently been denied a promotion following the loss of a high profile case. Instead she’s offered a transfer to a remote jurisdiction and a demotion from Sergeant to Senior Detective. Within a day of her arrival, she’s sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation and where her brother, Adam disappeared five years ago.

Midpoint:

Jess believes that Sherriff Linda Moore botched the investigation of her brother’s disappearance and is determined to solve both cases with or without the Sheriff’s help.

As Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low. Jess starts searching the office and discovers Sheriff Moore’s little black book of actual crime statistics, now she suspects that the Sheriff is corrupt.

Lock In:

Against her better judgement, Jess uses her secret hacking skills that got her reassigned and demoted and soon uncovers a local Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and unsolved cases, including Adam’s. She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved.

Inciting Incident:

At the meet up is Captain Anderson, Bill Smith (Luke’s father), Sarah Watson, and Sheriff Moore.

May or may not include this as Act 1 may begin from Act 2

Act 1:

Essence: Senior Detective Jess Pearson is in court to give evidence on a high-profile money laundering case when she becomes unstuck by one of the judge’s questions.

Turning Point: Jess is reassigned to another jurisdiction – because her illegal hacking skills (not yet revealed) cost the department a high-profile case.

Act 1:

o Main Mystery: Why did the city team lose their case?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Jess sent to another office and not fired; why is she being sent to this office?

o Turning Point: Jess’ Boss gives her a second chance go work with Captain Anderson he supports the County Sheriff’s office out at Green Lake.

o Forced Decision: Must do the thing they would never do. Jess is reassigned to another department one that is in the same jurisdiction where she used to summer vacation which means she has to confront her past.

o Main Open Loop: How will Jess react to being reassigned to Green Lake which is where she used to summer vacation and where her brother disappeared?

o Sub-Open Loops: How will Jess react to being demoted?

Act 2:

Essence: Jess arrives at her new office and within a day is sent to Green Lake to investigate a double murder of Anna Cole and Steve Beresford, and the disappearance of Luke Smith.

Turning Point/Midpoint: Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low.

Act 2:

o Main Mystery: A couple (Anna & Steve) are stabbed at a Trail Head Rest Stop and their friend, Luke Smith, disappears. Who killed them and why?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why did they stop when they were only ten minutes from home?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess solve the recent murder of the couple (Anna & Steve) and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith.

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Exposed: Something hidden about the character is uncovered, either good or bad. How does the character respond. Jess’ secret hacking skills (not widely known) derail her department’s high profile court case and they lose. Those skills are only known to some who will go on to exploit Jess who wants these skills to remain a secret for fear of losing her Detective’s badge.

Act 3:

Essence: Jess reconnects with her ex-lover, love of her life, and best friend, Sarah Watson for support.

Turning Point: Sarah’s boyfriend, Nick Milford, who found the victims bodies, is now the department’s prime suspects.

Act 3:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick their killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick at the Trail Head stop?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Emotional Dilemma: Must choose between two equally distressing choices. Sarah must choose between Jess and Nick.

o Betrayal: The violation of a trust, relationship, or contract that results in physical or psychological damage. Jess and Sarah share a secret about Sarah’s parents death. However, both are oblivious to the fact that someone else witnessed the event and has already blackmailed Sarah and will blackmail Jess. But each believes they must have been betrayed by the other.

o Hurt those they love: The only way to survive is to do damage to their loved ones. Jess left the love of her life, Sarah Watson, to escape a good relationship gone bad. Will she do the same thing again?

Act 4:

Essence: Jess doesn’t believe that Nick is the killer.

Turning Point: Jess uses her hacking skills to delve into the lives of those involved in the unreported crimes in Sheriff Moore’s little black book.

Act 4:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick the killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick following Steve, Luke, and Anna?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Must Make Decision with Future Consequences: Jess again uses her hacking skills to investigate Sheriff Moore and uncovers a wider network of illegal activity.

Act 5:

Essence: Jess uncovers a Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and other unsolved cases, including that of her brother, Adam.

Lock In: She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved: Sheriff Moore, Captain Anderson, Dave Smith (Luke’s father), and Sarah Watson.

Act 5:

o Main Mystery: Who is involved in the trafficking Network?

o Sub-Mysteries: Is it really a Trafficking Network or something else?

o Main Open Loop: Will we find out whether Moore, Anderson, Smith, and Sarah Watson why they are meeting at the car park?

o Sub-Open Loops: Why is Sarah involved?

o Crucible: Trapped in a situation of severe test where great change takes place. Sheriff Moore and Jess are kidnapped by the Traffickers and only one of them gets to live.

CURRENT BEAT SHEET GREEN LAKE:

TEASER

Essence of scenes 1 through 7 (the teaser) is to introduce the main mystery and the three characters murdered or disappeared.

1 EXT. REMOTE HIGHWAY – DUSK

CAPTION: Present Day

A dark-blue PICK-UP TRUCK travels along a remote single-lane highway bounded by dense forest.

2 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Two men (Steve Beresford and Luke Smith) and a woman (Anna Cole) travelling in a pickup truck. The male passenger in the front seat (Luke Smith) wants to pull over to go to the washroom. The male driver (Steve Beresford) protests. Luke grabs the wheel and pulls them onto a dirt track road. Steve and Luke almost fight. Female rear passenger (Anna Cole) calms things down.

3 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – DIRT ROAD – DUSK

The pick-up kicks up dust as it bounces over the dirt track.

4 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Nature protecting itself from humans. Anna protecting herself from nature.

5 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

Luke exits the truck. Walks into human garbage. Is angry. Humans have damaged nature. The local wildlife are watching him.

6 INT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – OUTHOUSE – DUSK

Luke enters the outhouse. He’s afraid. Has a phobia about the monster in the toilet. Is he on drugs or is he sick?

7 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

Luke exits the outhouse. He’s happy. The birds block his path back to the truck. He hears their agitation then silence. He calls out to Steve and Anna. He soon sees that they’ve been attacked and are dead. A shadow of a figure flits behind him.

8 INT. BLACK SUV – DAY

A female detective (Senior Detective Jess Pearson) is driving and turns off the highway to the crime scene.

9 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – ENTRANCE – DAY

Jess Pearson introduces herself to the Officer guarding the crime scene. Officer James warns her of the gruesome scene ahead. If Jess is fazed she hides it well until out of the Officer’s sight.

10 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DAY

Jess exits her car and surveys the crime scene. The Sheriff (Sheriff Linda Moore) approaches and introduces herself. But they already know each other. Sheriff Moore asks Jess to keep an open mind and not conflate with her brother’s case.

11 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – PARKING STALLS – DAY

Jess examines the crime scene in detail. Sheriff describes what they know so far about the victims, who is missing, and it was Nick Beresford who found the bodies. The Pathologist, Doctor Sally Williams, arrives. Sheriff mentions a similar case five years before involving Jess’ brother. They discuss the victims possible involvement with drug dealing. Sheriff asks Jess where she’s staying. Jess tells her that she’s staying at the Johnson Twins B&B. Isn’t that haunted: the Sheriff and Dr. Williams tease Jess.

11 EXT. OUTHOUSE – DAY

Jess hangs back and takes another look around the crime scene.

12 INT. OUTHOUSE – DAY

Jess inspects the Outhouse in more detail.

13 EXT. OUTHOUSE – DAY

Jess exits the Outhouse.

14 EXT. CAR PARK – DAY

Jess walks to the forest checking for more crime scene evidence.

15 EXT. FOREST – DAY

Jess senses someone watching but there’s no-one there. She leaves the forested area.

16 EXT. FORENSIC TENT – DAY

Jess asks the Forensic Team to collect samples from the Outhouse and the stream.

17 INT. BLACK SUV – DAY

Jess calls her boss, Captain Anderson, and leaves a voicemail update about the case. Jess offers to go with Sheriff Moore to inform Steve and Anna’s parents. Sheriff declines and instead asks her to meet her at Luke Smith’s parents house in one hour.

18 INT. BLACK SUV – MOVING – DAY

Jess pulls over when she sees a sign for Sarah’s Coffee Stop.

19 EXT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Jess exits her car and spots a notice board with a faded Missing Poster of her brother, Adam.

20 INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Jess enters the Café. Sarah is unexpectedly friendly. Sarah gets upset when Jess asks to borrow the poster of Adam.

21 INT. BLACK SUV – MOVING – DAY

Jess drives to meet Sheriff Moore at the Smith residence.

22 EXT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Sheriff gives Jess some background on Luke Smith. All positive.

23 INT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff Moore inform the Smith’s about Luke’s disappearance. They also question them about when they last saw him, any enemies etc.

24 EXT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Dave Smith takes them to Luke’s apartment at the rear of the house.

25 INT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff enter Luke’s apartment. It’s sparse, neat, tidy, and clean. They take Luke’s laptop.

26 EXT. SMITH RESIDENCE – BASEMENT SUITE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff exit Luke’s apartment. Jess hands Dave her card. Asks him to call her if they hear from Luke or anyone else.

27 EXT. SMITH RESIDENCE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff briefly discuss what they think has happened to Luke.

28 INT. POLICE STATION – MAIN OFFICE – DAY

Jess and Sheriff return to the station where Officer James has already set up the case whiteboard with a timeline and the players.

29 INT. POLICE STATION – INTERVIEW ROOM – DAY

Nick Milburn who discovered the bodies is interviewed by Jess and Sheriff Moore.

30 INT. POLICE STATION – MAIN OFFICE – DAY

Jess has reviewed the evidence and is not ruling Luke out from being involved.

31 INT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – TOP SUITE – DAY

Jess has stepped out of the shower and is blow drying her hair. She sees a young man walking through her apartment. She tries to find him but he’s gone. She calls Sarah and tries to tell her a weird thing just happened. Sarah tease her about being sucked into one of the house’s portals.

32 EXT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – BOTTOM SUITE – DAY

Jess walks downstairs. She bumps into Peggy. She tells her that it was just Charles visiting.

33 INT. MORTUARY – DAY

Dr. Williams on her cellphone flips through pages attached to a clipboard that sits on a trolley.

34 EXT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – DRIVEWAY – DAY

Dr. Williams is calling Jess about the autopsy results: left to die by a human but killed off by the birds and coyotes.

35 EXT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – DAY

Jess parks up. She joins the crowd here for the Art showing. Sarah tells Jess the whole town is talking about the murders.

36 INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Jess bumps into Peggy and Patsy. They ask about the murders and whether they are safe.

37 INT. LIBRARY – DAY 37

TBD

38 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – SUNRISE

Jess has reconvened more officers with the dogs to go over the crime scene again and expand the search area.

39 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DAY

Jess and Sheriff leave the crime scene search early to attend a Town Hall news conference about the case.

40 INT. TOWN HALL – DAY

Jess and Sheriff address the Town Hall crowd and the Press. They are joined by Dave and Jane Smith. They ask for the town’s help.

41 INT. LIBRARY – DAY

TBD

42 EXT. GREEN LAKE – DAY

Jess takes some time out by going for a canoe ride on Green Lake. She revisits her old house. Gets caught up in a change of weather. We see a the same young man (Charles) sitting behind her in the canoe.

43 EXT. THE YELLOW HOUSE – DOCK – DAY

Jess pulls up onto the dock of the house her parents used to own.

44 EXT. THE YELLOW HOUSE – DRIVEWAY – DAY

Jess walks up the driveway of the house her parents used to own.

45 EXT. YELLOW HOUSE – DAY

She knocks on the door of the house her parents used to own. No-one is home. She can see Patty and Peggy on the swing set. We see a man at the window. Jess walks back to the dock.

46 EXT. GREEN LAKE – DAY

Jess paddles back across the lake to Peggy & Patty’s.

47 INT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – TOP SUITE – NIGHT

Jess is woken by the noise of the swing set. She goes outside to the garden to investigate.

48 EXT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT

Jess walks down to the lake to investigate. She sees Charles again. He’s coming right towards her. She gets ready to shoot him. But he’s gone. She calls Sarah, but it goes to voicemail. On her way back to the house a bear and her cubs block her path. Peggy and Patty appear to help her back to the house.

49 INT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – BOTTOM SUITE – NIGHT

Patsy and Peggy make Jess a cup of tea.

50 INT. THE YELLOW HOUSE – BASEMENT – DAY

Jess wakes up in the basement. She’s been kidnapped. Luke is in a cage across the room.

51 INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – DAY

Sarah jumps out of bed. Gets the coffee machine started. Listens to Jess’ voicemail and calls her back. Her call goes straight to Jess’ voicemail. A man knocks at the café door and asks if he could grab an early breakfast. Sarah recognizes Mick as a summer vacationer of Green Lake. She lets him in.

52 INT. MICK’S WHITE TRUCK – DAY

Luke is bound and gagged in the back of a truck. He tries to attract the voices he can hear outside.

53 EXT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAR PARK – DAY

Sheriff Moore and Officer James walk past the white van. Sheriff calls Jess but it goes straight to voicemail.

54 INT. SARAH’S GARAGE AND CAFE – CAFE – DAY

Sheriff enters the café. Sarah is already prepping their breakfast order. Sarah tells Sheriff she’s been unable to reach Jess. Not like her. Sheriff agrees to drive to Peggy and Patty’s to check on her.

55 EXT. PEGGY AND PATSY’S GUEST HOUSE – DRIVEWAY – DAY

Sheriff and Officer James arrive. Get a call that Luke’s body has been found. Jess’ car is missing.

56 INT. LOCAL POLICE STATION – DAY

TBD

57 EXT. THE HIGHWAY – DAY

TBD

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from doing this assignment is that I’m not finished yet, but here’s a starter. I’ve taken the 50 pages of script that I’d already written last year and I can already see that it’s plodding along….

So let’s press the reset button…on Green Lake…

Intriguing World:

A. A sleepy vacation town where everyone flocks to in the summer

B. Through the eyes of a big city Detective who used to summer vacation there with her family growing up

C. As she strives to become the Sheriff by disrupting the town’s illicit activities

Intriguing Concept:

After her ambitions are thwarted, Jess Pearson, a big city senior detective accepts a transfer to a remote jurisdiction. Within a day of her arrival, she’s sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in similar circumstances to that of her brother Adam’s disappearance five years before and in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation. Can Jess quickly solve both cases to become the Sheriff elect while bringing her brother home? And can she learn to live with the locals especially her one true love, Sarah Watson, architect and artist on a mission to green Green Lake.

I’ve omitted character names for now….not sure if that’s what we are meant to do…

Green Lake

A story: A Senior Detective and colleagues solving cases.

B story: Competitors so Jess and Sheriff Moore; Jess and the Trafficking Network.

C story: Love story between Jess and Sarah.

MORE TO FOLLOW…

CURRENT SCRIPT OUTLINE GREEN LAKE PILOT:

TEASER

Essence of scenes 1 through 7 (the teaser) is to introduce the main mystery and the three characters murdered or disappeared.

1 EXT. REMOTE HIGHWAY – DUSK

CAPTION: Present Day

A dark-blue PICK-UP TRUCK travels along a remote single-lane highway bounded by dense forest.

2 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Two men and a woman travelling in a pickup truck. The male passenger in the front seat wants to pull over to go to the washroom. The male driver protests. Passenger grabs wheel and pulls them onto a dirt track road. Driver and Passenger almost get into a fight. Female rear passenger calms things down.

3 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – DIRT ROAD – DUSK

The pick-up kicks up dust as it bounces over the dirt track.

4 INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – MOVING – DUSK

Nature protecting itself from humans. Female passenger protecting herself from nature.

5 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

The male Passenger exits the truck. Walks into human garbage. Is angry. Humans have damaged nature. The local wildlife are watching him.

6 INT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – OUTHOUSE – DUSK

Male passenger enters the outhouse. He’s afraid. Has a phobia about the monster in the toilet. Is he on drugs or is he sick?

7 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DUSK

Male Passenger exits the outhouse. He’s happy. The birds block his path back to the truck. He hears their agitation then silence. He calls out to his two friends. He sees they’ve been attacked and are dead. A shadow flits behind him.

ACT 1

8 INT. BLACK SUV – DAY

A female detective is driving and turns off the highway to the crime scene.

9 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – ENTRANCE – DAY

A female detective introduces herself to the Officer guarding the crime scene. Officer warns her of what’s ahead.

10 EXT. BEAR CREEK REST AREA – CAR PARK – DAY

The Detective exits her car and surveys the crime scene. The Sheriff approaches and she introduces herself. But they already know each other. Sheriffs asks the Detective to keep an open mind and not conflate with her brother’s case.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned is that I’m really being challenged in a way that I haven’t been before and being asked to think and plan more on the plotline, the characters, the layers, the reveals, and so on down to the scene level.

While I understand for the most part the difference between open loops (future) and mysteries (past) I’m finding myself over thinking the categorization of open loops and sub open loops and mysteries and sub mysteries and is interfering with my creative flow. WIthout a doubt this is an invaluable exercise and I’ve learned a lot about how to improve my writing, the outlining process, the structure, but the flip side is as I dig deeper, I’m spending more time on the categorization and re-categorization than on the creating and flow is blocked. Maybe that’s the point: it’s an iterative process back and forth between creation and outlining until there is no distinction.

What I need to do is to continue to categorize as much as possible and that includes surface layers and reveals.

Season 1: Welcome Back

Episode 1 It’s Not Pretty – The Pilot – I’m not sure whether to start the episode with Jess getting her court case thrown out or with her arriving at the murder scene.

Jess is reassigned and demoted from Sergeant to Senior Detective. She arrives in Lakeside and the next day is sent to Green Lake to help Sheriff Moore solve a murder and disappearance case similar in MO to that of her brother’s five years earlier.

• Judge throws out Jess and her Department’s high profile case.

• Jess is called to a case. We see that it’s three local people (Steve and Anna are murdered and Luke Smith has disappeared) but we don’t know the perpetrator(s) or the reason why.

• Jess realizes this crime scene has the same MO as her brother’s disappearance five years before.

• Jess is returning to the town where she used to summer vacation with her parents and brother.

• Jess checks into the town’s notoriously haunted bed & breakfast run by Peg and Pat Johnson. Is not afraid to confront ghosts of the past.

• Jess receives an update on the case: Nick Beresford who discovered the bodies is caught on video surveillance tailing Steve, Anna, and Luke. Case closed?

Surface: Jess is a Sergeant who always wins her cases.

Plot Layer: The Judge throws out one of her high-profile cases after finding irregularities in the evidence gathering.

Reveal: Jess obtains her evidence through her secret hacking skills very few people know this.

Mystery: Did someone leak to the Judge? And why this case? Are there unknown stakes at play?

Turning Point: Jess is reassigned to another jurisdiction, Lakeside, and is demoted to Senior Detective.

Surface: Jess arrives at her new office and the next day is sent to investigate the gruesome murder of a local couple and the disappearance of their friend.

Mystery: Who is the killer? Why did they do it? Where is Luke Smith? Is he the killer?

Surface: Jess strikes up a friendly relationship with Sheriff Moore.

Reveal: Green Lake is where Jess used to summer vacation with her family, her brother, Adam disappeared in similar circumstances, the murder and disappearance has the same MO.

Reveal: Sheriff Moore investigated Adam’s disappearance and has history with Jess’ family. Jess thinks Sheriff Moore botched her brother’s investigation.

Open Loop: Can Sheriff Moore and Jess work together to solve this case?

Mystery: Are the two cases connected?

Reveal: Jess wants to reopen her brother’s case.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Draft for Green Lake

What I learned was that it still needs work…

Act 1:

Essence: Senior Detective Jess Pearson is in court to give evidence on a high-profile money laundering case when she becomes unstuck by one of the judge’s questions.

Turning Point: Jess is reassigned to another jurisdiction – because her illegal hacking skills (not yet revealed) cost the department a high-profile case.

Act 1:

o Main Mystery: Why did the city team lose their case?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Jess sent to another office and not fired; why is she being sent to this office?

o Turning Point: Jess’ Boss gives her a second chance go work with Captain Anderson he supports the County Sheriff’s office out at Green Lake.

o Forced Decision: Must do the thing they would never do. Jess is reassigned to another department one that is in the same jurisdiction where she used to summer vacation which means she has to confront her past.

o Main Open Loop: How will Jess react to being reassigned to the Lakeside jurisdiction which includes Green Lake which is where she used to summer vacation and where her brother disappeared?

o Sub-Open Loops: How will Jess react to being demoted?

Act 2:

Essence: Jess arrives at her new office and within a day is sent to Green Lake to investigate a double murder of Anna Cole and Steve Beresford, and the disappearance of Luke Smith.

Turning Point/Midpoint: Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low.

Act 2:

o Main Mystery: A couple (Anna & Steve) are stabbed at a Trail Head Rest Stop and their friend, Luke Smith, disappears. Who killed them and why?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why did they stop when they were only ten minutes from home?

o Main Open Loop: How well will Jess and Sheriff Moore work together given the Sheriff’s history with Jess’ brother’s case.

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Exposed: Something hidden about the character is uncovered, either good or bad. How does the character respond. Jess’ secret hacking skills (not widely known) derail her department’s high profile court case and they lose. Those skills are only known to some who will go on to exploit Jess who wants these skills to remain a secret for fear of losing her Detective’s badge.

Act 3:

Essence: Jess reconnects with her ex-lover, love of her life, and best friend, Sarah Watson for support.

Turning Point: Sarah’s boyfriend, Nick Milford, who found the victims bodies, is now the department’s prime suspects.

Act 3:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick their killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick at the Trail Head stop?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Emotional Dilemma: Must choose between two equally distressing choices. Sarah must choose between Jess and Nick.

o Betrayal: The violation of a trust, relationship, or contract that results in physical or psychological damage. Jess and Sarah share a secret about Sarah’s parents death. However, both are oblivious to the fact that someone else witnessed the event and has already blackmailed Sarah and will blackmail Jess. But each believes they must have been betrayed by the other.

o Hurt those they love: The only way to survive is to do damage to their loved ones. Jess left the love of her life, Sarah Watson, to escape a good relationship gone bad. Will she do the same thing again?

Act 4:

Essence: Jess doesn’t believe that Nick is the killer.

Turning Point: Jess uses her hacking skills to delve into the lives of those involved in the unreported crimes in Sheriff Moore’s little black book.

Act 4:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick the killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick following Steve, Luke, and Anna?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

o Must Make Decision with Future Consequences: Jess again uses her hacking skills to investigate Sheriff Moore and uncovers a wider network of illegal activity.

Act 5:

Essence: Jess uncovers a Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and other unsolved cases, including that of her brother, Adam.

Lock In: She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved: Sheriff Moore, Captain Anderson, Dave Smith (Luke’s father), and Sarah Watson.

Act 5:

o Main Mystery: Who is involved in the trafficking Network?

o Sub-Mysteries: Is it really a Trafficking Network or something else?

o Main Open Loop: Will we find out why Moore, Anderson, Smith, and Sarah Watson are meeting at the car park?

o Sub-Open Loops: Why is Sarah involved?

o Crucible: Trapped in a situation of severe test where great change takes place. Sheriff Moore and Jess are kidnapped by the Traffickers and only one of them gets to live.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned was that I was wondering whether some mysteries are also open loops..

I have two main mysteries, but may introduce more as I go through the creative process:

1. In the past 24 hours a married couple are murdered and their friend disappears – who did it and why?

2. Five years ago a couple are murdered and their friend (Jess’ brother, Adam, disappears) – who did it and why?

The Open loops I created in Module 1 were:

1. Will Jess solve the murder and disappearance of the married couple and their friend. So I’m thinking this is a Big Picture Mystery.

2. After 5 years missing, will Jess find her brother alive? – So I’m thinking this is a Big Picture Mystery.

3. What’s the real reason that Jess was sent from another town to investigate the Green Lake murder? Big Picture Open Loop.

Small Picture Open Loops:

1. Will Jess rekindle her relationship with Sarah?

2. Will Sheriff Moore retire at the end of the summer?

3. Will Jess become Sheriff?

4. Will the Twins overcome the grief of their grandson’s murder five years before?

Teaser:

A married couple and their friend make an unplanned stop at a Trail Head to use the washroom.

Act 1: may include this or leave out

o Main Mystery: Why did the city team lose their case?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Jess sent to another office and not fired

o Main Open Loop: Will we find out why they lost the case

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess sent to the Green Lake office and not fired

Act 2:

Essence: Jess arrives at her new office and within a day is sent to Green Lake to investigate a double murder of Anna Cole and Steve Beresford, and the disappearance of Luke Smith.

Turning Point/Midpoint: Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low.

Act 2:

o Main Mystery: A couple (Anna & Steve) are stabbed at a Trail Head Rest Stop and their friend, Luke Smith, disappears. Who killed them and why?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why did they stop when they were only ten minutes from home?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess solve the recent murder of the couple (Anna & Steve) and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith.

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

Act 3:

Essence: Jess reconnects with her ex-lover, love of her life, and best friend, Sarah Watson for support.

Turning Point: Sarah’s boyfriend, Nick Milford, who found the victims bodies, is now the department’s prime suspects.

Act 3:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick their killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick at the Trail Head stop?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

Act 4:

Essence: Jess doesn’t believe that Nick is the killer.

Turning Point: Jess uses her hacking skills to delve into the lives of those involved in the unreported crimes in Sheriff Moore’s little black book.

Act 4:

o Main Mystery: Is Nick the killer?

o Sub-Mysteries: Why was Nick following Steve, Luke, and Anna?

o Main Open Loop: Will Jess and Sarah rekindle their affair?

o Sub-Open Loops: Will we find out why Jess who just arrived was sent to investigate this case.

Act 5:

Essence: Jess uncovers a Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and other unsolved cases, including that of her brother, Adam.

Lock In: She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved: Sheriff Moore, Captain Anderson, Dave Smith (Luke’s father), and Sarah Watson.

Act 5:

o Main Mystery: Who is involved in the trafficking Network?

o Sub-Mysteries: Is it really a Trafficking Network or something else?

o Main Open Loop: Will we find out whether Moore, Anderson, Smith, and Sarah Watson why they are meeting at the car park?

o Sub-Open Loops: Why is Sarah involved?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned was that the clarity of this creative process really helped me structure the Acts, the Turning Points, and build up the intrigue. I’m wondering if turning points and end of Acts are the same or similar.

Act 1

Intrigue 1: Jess is preparing for the trial when she receives an anonymous message “I know what you did”.

Turning Point: Jess’ Boss gives her a second chance go work with Captain Anderson he supports the County Sheriff’s office out at Green Lake.

Act 2

Intrigue 1: Jess is hesitant about the new role.

Turning Point: Jess sees that Sheriff Moore may be involved in corruption.

Act 3

Intrigue: Sarah Watson is upset when she hears that Jess Pearson, now a Senior Detective, is back in town

Intrigue: Sara Watson receives a sexy message from someone calling themselves Starman.

Act 4

Intrigue: Nick was caught on a gas station web cam following Luke Smith.

Wound: He knows that Sarah is cheating on him, but he doesn’t know who with.

Mystery: Who is Starman.

Turning Point: Jess hacks into several phones and is able to identify Starman.

Act 5

Mystery: Why is Bill Smith head of a global Trafficking Network.

Turning Point: Bill Smith, Sarah Watson, Captain Anderson, Sheriff Moore seem to be involved with Bill’s illegal activities.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned was that the clarity of this creative process really helped me structure the surface, layer, reveal.

Act 1

Surface: Jess is a BIg City Detective.

Layer: Is also a crack hacker.

Reveal: Judge throws out her department’s high profile case due to evidence obtained illegally but the details are not revealed publicly.

Act 2

Surface: Sheriff Moore is one of the best Sheriffs in the state and Green Lake is a low crime rate town.

Layer: Sheriff Moore was unable to solve the murders of 2 friends and the disappearance of Jess’ brother, Adam five years ago.

Reveal: Jess finds Sheriff Moore’s book of actual crime statistics while searching through files in the basement.

Act 3

Surface: Sarah Watson is a local Architect and Artist out to green Green Lake.

Layer: Is a serial cheater.

Reveal: Is dating Steve Beresford but receives a sexy message from someone calling themselves Starman.

Act 4

Surface: Steve Beresford is a local, popular Environmental Activist and dating Sarah Watson.

Layer: Steve Beresford finds the bodies at the Trail Head and is brought in for routine questioning.

Reveal: He knows that Sarah is cheating on him, but he doesn’t know who with.

Layer: Starman is Luke Smith who has disappeared.

Reveal: Jess hacks Steve’s phone and is able to identify Starman.

Act 5

Surface: Bill Smith is a Retired Investment Banker.

Layer: Is head of a global Trafficking Network.

Reveal: His son, Luke Smith is missing, and he calls his colleagues to a meeting at night in a Trail Head Car Park.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from this assignment is that I really enjoyed this approach this creative process…it was a true lightbulb moment for me…I just need to pull character storylines and Pilot Structure together…

Senior Detective Jess Pearson’s Storyline

Senior Detective Jess Pearson is a former big city Detective sent to partner with a local County Sheriff to solve a gruesome murder and disappearance with the same MO as that of her brother’s case five years before as she aspires to take over the County Sheriff’s small but powerful office

Beginning:
Jess Pearson, a confident Senior Detective, prepares for a high-profile
court case with her colleagues at the bar.

Turning
Point: The Judge throws the case out after she discovers that Jess obtained
crucial evidence against the accused illegally by using her secret hacking
skills.

Midpoint:
Having disgraced the department, Jess’ boss decides to offload her to
another jurisdiction way out in the boonies.

Turning
Point 2: The day after Jess arrives, she gets called to a double murder
and disappearance at Green Lake.

Major
Conflict: Green Lake is where she used to summer vacation with her parents
and her brother before his disappearance in similar circumstances to the
current case. Jess must work with Sheriff Moore, who she believes botched
her brother’s case five years before.

Ending: Jess
reads file after file in the basement and uncovers Sheriff Moore’s little
black book of Green Lakes actual crime statistics.

Dilemma: Should
Jess confront the Sheriff or use her hacking skills to find out whether this
is just an innocent error or as she suspects the Sheriff is corrupt.

Sheriff Linda Moore’s Storyline

Sheriff Linda Moore is close to retirement but can’t afford to retire. Indebted to a Trafficking Network she has little choice but to destroy aspiring Sheriffs like Jess Pearson.

Beginning:
Sheriff Linda Moore gets a call about two bodies found at a nearby Trail
Head in Green Lake.

Turning
Point: Sheriff arrives at the murder scene and realizes the double murder
and disappearance have a similar MO as one 5 years before.

Midpoint:
Sheriff calls Captain Anderson to find out if he can send in a Senior
Detective to help with the investigation.

Turning
Point 2: When Senior Detective Jess Pearson arrives, Sheriff Moore
realizes her Sheriff days could be numbered.

Major
Conflict: Green Lake is where Jess’ brother Adam disappeared in similar circumstances
to the current case. Sheriff knows that Jess and her family blame her
incompetence for having never found Adam.

Ending: Sheriff
Moore is on her way back to the office to hide some files when she gets a
call from Captain Anderson about a Trafficking Network meetup.

Dilemma: Should Sheriff
confess to Detective Pearson about her involvement with the Trafficking
Network or stay loyal to Captain Anderson thus remain under his
protection.

Sarah Watson’s Storyline

Local architect and artist, Sarah Watson, is on a mission to green Green Lake, but is facing opposition from the local oil producers. Besides, she doesn’t have a right to tell others what to do, her family has owned the only gas station in town for the last 50 years. But Sarah is determined to lead the town to a more sustainable future that is until Jess Pearson walks back into her life. She finds herself in constant fight or flight mode and wonders whether she’ll ever be able to finish what she started.

Beginning:
Sarah Watson is in bed with her boyfriend, Nick Milburn.

Turning
Point: After Nick leaves, she checks her phone and sees that she received
a voicemail message. She listens to it.

Midpoint:
She calls Starman back but it goes straight to voicemail.

Turning
Point 2 She gets a call from Nick to say that he just discovered two dead bodies
it looks like our friends and the Sheriff is on her way.

Major
Conflict: Sarah knows that Nick is possessive, but murder?

Ending: Nick
calls her back from the station to see he’s being interviewed by Jess
Pearson, remember her?

Dilemma: Should Sarah confess her affair with Starman to Nick?

Teaser:

Essence: We see three friends in their truck pull into a rest stop area. Luke Smith goes to the washroom. He exits to find his two friends, a married couple dead, the killer flits behind him.

Turning Point: ?

Act 1:

Essence: Senior Detective Jess Pearson is in court to give evidence on a high-profile money laundering case when she becomes unstuck by one of the judge’s questions.

Turning Point: Jess is reassigned to another jurisdiction because her illegal hacking skills cost the department a high-profile case.

Act 2:

Essence: Jess arrives at her new office and within a day is sent to Green Lake to investigate a double murder and the disappearance of Luke Smith.

Turning Point/Midpoint: Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low.

Act 3:

Essence: Jess reconnects with her ex-lover, love of her life, and best friend, Sarah Watson for support.

Turning Point: Sarah’s boyfriend, Steve Beresford, who found the victims bodies, is now the department’s prime suspects.

Act 4:

Essence: Jess doesn’t believe that Steve Beresford is the killer.

Turning Point: Jess uses her hacking skills to delve into the lives of those involved in the unreported crimes in Sheriff Moore’s little black book.

Act 5:

Essence: Jess uncovers a Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and other unsolved cases, including that of her brother, Adam.

Lock In: She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved: Sheriff Moore, Captain Anderson, Dave Smith (Luke’s father), and Sarah Watson.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from doing this assignment is a. How to improve my structure. b. I learned about the Teaser, but I’m stuck on what the turning point of the teaser is.

Teaser:

Essence: We see three friends in their truck pull into a rest stop area. Luke Smith goes to the washroom. He exits to find his two friends, a married couple dead, the killer flits behind him.

Turning
Point: ?

Act 1:

Essence: Senior Detective Jess Pearson is in court to give evidence on a
high-profile money laundering case when she becomes unstuck by one of the
judge’s questions.

Turning
Point: Jess is reassigned to another jurisdiction because
her illegal hacking skills cost the department a high-profile case.

Act 2:

Essence: Jess arrives at her new office and within a day is sent to Green
Lake to investigate a double murder and the disappearance of Luke Smith.

Turning
Point/Midpoint: Jess reads file after file hidden away in
the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town
she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are
low.

Act 3:

Essence: Jess reconnects with her ex-lover, love of her life, and best
friend, Sarah Watson for support.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Turning
Point: Sarah’s boyfriend, Steve Beresford, who found the victims bodies, is now the department’s prime suspects.

Act 4:

Essence: Jess doesn’t believe that Steve Beresford is the killer.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Turning
Point: Jess uses her hacking skills to delve into the
lives of those involved in the unreported crimes in Sheriff Moore’s little
black book.

Act 5:

Essence: Jess uncovers a Trafficking Network that may be connected to the
recent murders and other unsolved cases, including that of her brother, Adam.

Lock In: She goes along on a planned meet up
to find out who is involved: Sheriff Moore, Captain Anderson, Dave Smith (Luke’s father), and Sarah
Watson.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned doing this assignment is that I thought my lock in would be presented at the start of the episode and would be the double murder and disappearance, but now using the formulas I’m adding in material and working in the opposite direction.

Intriguing
Concept:

After her ambitions are thwarted, Jess Pearson, a big city senior detective accepts a transfer to a remote jurisdiction. Within a day of her arrival, she’s sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in similar circumstances to that of her brother Adam’s disappearance five years before and in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation. Can Jess quickly solve both cases to become the Sheriff elect while bringing her brother home? And can she learn to live with the locals especially her one true love, Sarah Watson, architect and artist on a mission to green Green Lake.

Act 1:

Jess is presented as a Big City Detective who has been denied a promotion, but offered another opportunity. She relocates to a remote jurisdiction. Within a day of her arrival, she’s sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation.

Midpoint:

Jess believes that Sherriff Linda Moore botched the investigation of her brother’s disappearance in similar circumstances five years before and is determined to solve both cases with or without the Sheriff’s help.

As Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics are low. Jess starts searching the office and discovers Sheriff Moore’s little black book of actual crime statistics, now she suspects that the Sheriff is corrupt.

Lock In:

Against her better judgement, Jess uses her secret hacking skills that got her reassigned and soon uncovers a local Trafficking Network that may be connected to the recent murders and unsolved cases, including her brother, Adam’s. She goes along on a planned meet up to find out who is involved.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned…I found myself fine tuning what I’d already written. At the same time wondering how I can continue to make characters and plot more intriguing.

My Pilot Green Lake (working title) – I’m thinking of changing the title following on from Hal’s Audio 12 in Module 2 what a great lesson that was.

SERIES INFO

World: A sleepy vacation town where everyone flocks to in the summer. Crime is low, but is it really? as locals, vacationers, big oil, and illicit activities collide against a backdrop of extreme weather events.

Main
mystery: The gruesome double murder of a young married
couple and the disappearance of their friend.

Impossible
Goal: Jess must solve the recent double murder and the
disappearance before the killer strikes again and a wildfire destroys any
evidence.

Main
Conflict: Jess believes that Sherriff Linda Moore
botched the investigation of her brother’s disappearance in similar
circumstances five years before and is determined to solve both cases with
or without Captain Anderson or the Sheriff’s help.

Second
Mystery: Will Jess find her brother, Adam, alive after
his disappearance in identical circumstances five years before.

Season 1
Arc: From having her big city ambitions thwarted
to solving the double murder and becoming the next Sheriff Elect of Green
Lake.

Season 1
Protagonist Internal Journey: 1. From having her big
city ambitions thwarted to becoming Sheriff of Green Lake and cleaning up
the town’s illicit activities. 2. From being Sarah Watson’s ex-best friend and lover to reconciliation and a future relationship.

PILOT INFO

Pilot
Conflict: Jess uncovers Sheriff Moore’s little black
book of actual crime statistics which leads her to uncover the Town’s
illicit activities including a Trafficking network.

Main
Characters Introduced: Jess Pearson, Sheriff Moore, Sarah Watson,
Captain Anderson, The Johnson Twins, Jane and Bill Smith.

Inciting
Incident of Season 1: Jess Pearson returns to Green Lake where
she used to summer vacation with her family to help the local Sheriff
solve a double murder and disappearance identical to that of her brother’s
disappearance and before the killer strikes again.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Hal scored an interesting and informative interview with Drew Forester.

The TV series I’m writing is inspired in location only by the small community where I currently live. If I decide to use photographs then I’ll try to use as many of my own as possible. In fact in the draft screenplay for Green Lake I’d inserted some photos to inspire the story.

Drew Forester’s TV Pitch Bible is a great visual and very slick. I learned a lot.

I’d like to be flexible on this. I wonder whether some Producers prefer TV Pitch Bibles without photos. My focus continues to be on writing a TV Pitch Bible without photos and I’ll definitely consider adding photos if this approach elevates the bible.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from doing this assignment is that editing the TV Pitch Bible will be an ongoing exercise. My bible continues to be a WIP. As I work my way through each of the lessons new processes are revealed which spark another perspective and I revist specific areas aiming to build out open loops, setups and payoffs, add character depth, and overall improve what’s already been written.

The flow of my writing has improved. If I reread what I wrote between Assignments 8 to Assignment 9 although not perfect is a step in the right direction.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I pulled out my first season episodes and what I learned from reading Module 2 Lesson 10 notes is that using this process will help me tighten up the setups, payoffs, and plot points.

Season 1: Welcome Back – Pilot

Episode 1 It’s Not Pretty

Jess arrives in town to help Sheriff Moore solve a murder and disappearance case similar in MO to that of her brother’s five years earlier.

Episode 2 Important Reconnections

Jess reconnects with the town and Sarah.

Episode 3 The Antisocial Network

Jess’ secret hacking skills uncover a trafficking network that may or may not be connected to the current case and the one five years ago.

Episode 4 In the Dark

Jess works to find out who is behind the trafficking network.

Episode 5 Now I Know Why

Jess checks up on Captain Anderson’s claim to undercover to find out that he’s not.

Episode 6 Green versus Black Gold

Sarah clashes with the local oil producers who are pushing back on her green energy initiatives.

Episode 7 A New Chapter

After weeks of
tension, Jess and Sarah spend the night together.

[Barbara Gilmore]

So I reworked Assignment 8 and tried to make it more interesting…what I learned from doing this is that interesting characters are key…and I’ll continue to revisit my framework..

A. Jess Pearson is an ex-big city senior detective sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation.

B. Jess believes that Sherriff Linda Moore botched the investigation of her brother’s disappearance in similar circumstances five years before and is determined to solve both cases with or without the Sheriff’s help.

C. As Jess reads file after file hidden away in the basement, she begins to realize that Green Lake is not the sleepy town she thought it was. Crime rates are high, yet the reported statistics seem low. Jess starts searching the office and discovers Sheriff Moore’s little black book of actual crime statistics, now she suspects that the Sheriff is corrupt.

D. Against her better judgement, Jess decides to use her secret hacking skills and soon uncovers a Trafficking Network and the Sheriff’s involvement and as she digs deeper, she suspects that her boss, Captain Anderson is also involved.

E. What she’s discovered so far seems unreal. She decides to call on Sarah Watson, a local architect and artist, her ex-best friend and lover, for advice.

F. Jess finds Sarah unusually friendly and helpful despite the fact that she’s not seen Jess for five years and they did not part on good terms.

G. Sarah Watson is on mission to green Green Lake and wants Jess to join her journey. But Sarah is a big distraction for Jess who must quickly refocus her efforts on solving both cases.

H. When Sheriff declares that Nick Milburn, who is dating Sarah, and who called in the murders, is their prime suspect, Jess begins to question Sarah’s motives and whether Nick is the fall guy.

I. Jess’ resolve is tested as she strives to solve both cases quickly, find her brother alive, avoid being sucked into Sarah’s world, while cleaning up Sheriff Moore’s small, but powerful office as the Sheriff in waiting of Green Lake.

[Barbara Gilmore]

I found this assignment…on the surface it seemed straightforward but then I wasn’t sure whether I was simply repeating what I’d already written without really improving it…and I wasn’t sure about the process used…whether it’s just a different perspective on a previous process…

A. Jess Pearson is an ex-big city senior detective sent to investigate the brutal murder of a married couple and the disappearance of their friend in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation.

B. Jess believes that Sherriff Linda Moore botched the investigation of her brother’s disappearance in similar circumstances five years before.

C. But when Jess uncovers Sheriff Moore’s little black book of actual crime statistics markedly different from the reported ones, she knows the Sheriff is corrupt.

D. And when Jess uncovers a Trafficking Network and the Sheriff’s involvement, she now has even more proof.

E. As Jess digs deeper into the Trafficking Network, she realizes that her boss, Captain Anderson, is also involved.

F. Jess uncovered the Trafficking Network illegally through her hacking skills which leaves her few options but to turn to local architect and artist, Sarah Watson, for advice.

G. Sarah Watson is unusually helpful despite not seeing Jess for five years after their break up.

H. Sarah Watson is a distraction, and Jess must quickly refocus her efforts on solving the recent murders and the disappearance, and that of her brother, Adam’s disappearance, and the two murders five years before.

I. Jess begins to suspect that Sarah Watson is not only involved in the Trafficking Network but is connected to both murders.

J. Jess wonders how far she’ll get in her quest to take over Sheriff Moore’s small, but powerful office.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from doing this assignment was that once I’d shifted my perspective on the characters and their surface layer I was able to build out multi-dimensional characters instead of just one dimensional characters (what you see is what you get with the surface layer). I thought this would be impossible and extremely time consuming, but once I allowed myself to go down some rabbit holes, new possibilities opened up. I was able to create new layers for each character and I really enjoyed doing this. In fact it was fun!

I looked at each of the main characters (3) one by one and started to expand on some of the missing pieces then I looked at the other connected characters and started to fill in some of the gaps in their profiles….and then began to expand on the relationships to develop open loops, mysteries…and let my imagination take over….

So what will I change in my TV Pitch Bible…as yet I haven’t decided, but I’d like to up the stakes of my final hook/extreme dramatic question…as we peel back the layers to the puppet masters…I can set this up by peeling back the layers to the puppet master so their identity is a secret then a big reveal or I reveal their identity in the Pilot and then it’s on Jess to bring them to justice but then I setup a series of challenges why she can’t…so maybe my final hook/extreme dramatic question will change to: how far will Jess go to get justice for her brother and the other victims without sacrificing Sarah and her Senator ambitions.

I’d already written 50 pages of a first draft of a Green Lake feature script when I joined this Binge Worthy TV course so that was my starting point…all the work I’m doing on the course is one big living Pitch Bible. I’m not 100% there, but I’m certainly moving in the right direction with each iteration.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned is that my Binge Worthy framework and TV Pitch Bible are still evolving and living documents.

I also need to bring in some of the Connected Circle characters. At the show’s core are Jess, Sarah, and the Sheriff…but as the storyline evolves and layers are revealed some of the focus may shift to the Connected Circle or perhaps the number of Main Characters increases….

[Barbara Gilmore]

Green Lake

50 Minutes Crime Mystery Drama

Green Lake

(Setup) Jessica (Jess) Pearson is a Big City detective (Expertise) sent to investigate the gruesome double murder of a young married couple and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, (Mystery/Intrigue) in the small vacation town (World) where she and her parents used to summer vacation until her brother, Adam, disappeared (Undeserved Misfortune) in now what appear to be similar circumstances to the Smith case.

Jess is ambitious and wants to be Sheriff, but so does her boss Captain Anderson, and the incumbent, Sheriff Linda Moore, herself fighting retirement (Conflicts).

Jess finds herself trying to solve both cases (Mystery), reliving the pain of her brother’s disappearance five years ago (Empathy/Distress), while rekindling her secret relationship with local architect and artist and love of her life, Sarah Watson (Secrets/Deception).

However, Sarah has big plans of her own all the way to the Senate (Twist/Hook/Secret Identity) and those don’t involve Jess.

As Jess works both cases using her secret hacking skills (Secret Identity), she uncovers an elaborate trafficking network that connects the Sheriff’s Department to her boss, Captain Anderson, Big Oil, and Sarah (Conspiracies).

Jess is left wondering how much she’ll risk to solve both cases, and bring her brother, Adam, back home without sacrificing her ambition to become Sheriff (Impossible Goals).

Final Hook/Extreme Dramatic Question: How do Jess and Sarah get what they want without sacrificing each other.

What I learned from doing this assignment was that I used the Pilot as Inciting Incident format but I’m not sure whether that’s the most effective Show Summary to use for my show so I might try the other formats too.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned was it’s coming together but will not be perfect…

Green Lake

Season 1: Welcome Back

Episode 1 It’s Not Pretty

Jess arrives in town to help Sheriff Moore solve a murder and disappearance case similar in MO to that of her brother’s five years earlier.

· Jess is called to a case. We see that it’s three local people (Steve and Anna are murdered and Luke Smith has disappeared) but we don’t know the perpetrator(s) or the reason why.

· Jess realizes this crime scene has the same MO as her brother’s disappearance five years before.

· Jess is returning to the town where she used to summer vacation with her parents and brother.

· Jess checks into the town’s notoriously haunted bed & breakfast run by Peg and Pat Johnson. Is not afraid to confront ghosts of the past.

· Jess receives an update on the case: Nick Beresford who discovered the bodies is caught on video surveillance tailing Steve, Anna, and Luke. Case closed?

Episode 2 Important Reconnections

Jess reconnects with the town and Sarah.

· Jess interviews Nick Beresford about his involvement in the case.

· Jess begins to look into her brother’s case with the help of Sheriff Moore.

· Jess must confront the past: she hasn’t been back to the town in five years and drops by to see Sarah.

· Jess is pleasantly surprised by Sarah’s warm reception.

· Jess finds out that Sarah had been secretly dating Luke Smith before his disappearance.

Episode 3 The Antisocial Network

Jess’ secret hacking skills uncover a trafficking network that may or may not be connected to the current case and the one five years ago.

· Jess continues to investigate the cases.

· Jess rules out Nick Beresford’s involvement in the murder and disappearance after he confesses that he knew about Sarah’s involvement with Luke and that’s why he was following them but he had no reason to kill anyone and there’s no evidence he did.

· Jess wonders whether Sarah is a serial cheater

· As Jess digs into her brother’s disappearance, she uncovers what looks like a Trafficking website on the Dark Web with Green Lake as its hub.

· Jess decides to stake out a Trail Head being used by the Traffickers as a handoff location.

Episode 4 In The Dark

Jess works to find out who is behind the trafficking network.

· Jess is shocked to see Captain Anderson appear at the Trafficking handoff location.

· Jess looks back at her brother’s case to see whether Captain Anderson was involved.

· Jess uncovers the Sheriff’s and Captain Anderson’s history with her brother’s case.

· Jess can’t decide whether to confront Captain Anderson about his involvement in her brother’s case.

· Jess confronts Captain Anderson who confesses to being on an undercover mission.

Episode 5 Now I Know Why

· Jess checks up on Captain Anderson’s claim to undercover to find out that he’s not.

· Jess uncovers Sheriff Moore’s little black book of actual crime statistics not the reported crime statistics.

· Jess is struggling for breakthroughs in her case and begins to suspect that Captain Anderson and Sheriff Moore are deeply involved in the Trafficking Network.

· Jess asks Sarah out for a drink to catch up on old times and in the hope that Sarah will divulge some of the town’s secrets.

· Jess has another visitor at Pat and Peg’s.

Episode 6 Green versus Black Gold

Sarah clashes with the local oil producers who are pushing back on her green energy initiatives.

· Jess uncovers some interesting information when Jane Smith walks into the Station demanding to know what they are doing to find her son, Luke.

· Jess searches for a connection between Captain Anderson and Dave Smith.

· Jess drops by to ask Sarah what she remembers about the day that Adam disappeared.

· Jess realizes that everyone is a suspect.

· Jess asks Sarah to visit her at Peg and Pat’s for a seance.

Episode 7 A New Chapter

After weeks of tension, Jess and Sarah spend the night together.

Jess and Sarah spend the night together.

· Jess believes she knows who is involved in the recent case but how to prove it.

· Jess enlists the help of Sheriff Moore.

· Jess wonders if Sheriff Moore will turn informant on Captain Anderson and the Traffickers.

· Jess gets a call: another murder different MO – it’s Steve Beresford.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from this assignment is that this is a very rough draft…

I’d also like to do 5 seasons of 7 episodes each.

Green Lake

Season 1: Welcome Back

Episode 1 It’s Not Pretty

Jess arrives in town to help Sheriff Moore solve a murder and disappearance case similar in MO to that of her brother’s five years earlier.

Episode 2 Important Reconnections

Jess reconnects with the town and Sarah.

Episode 3 The Antisocial Network

Jess’ secret hacking skills uncover a trafficking network that may or may not be connected to the current case and the one five years ago.

Episode 4 In The Dark

Jess works to find out who is behind the trafficking network.

Episode 5 Now I Know Why

Jess uncovers the Sheriff’s and Captain Anderson’s history.

Episode 6 Green versus Black Gold

Sarah clashes with the local oil producers who are pushing back on her green energy initiatives.

Episode 7 A New Chapter

After weeks of tension, Jess and Sarah spend the night together.

Season 2: Case Almost Solved but Will Never be Closed

Episode 1 Frenemies

Jess, now fully re-established in town, becomes over-confident, and makes new enemies.

Episode 2 Predictable?

Jess pursues both cases and delves deeper into the trafficking network with some surprising results.

Episode 3 Busted

Jess is heartbroken again as Sarah splits up with her after failing to forgive herself and Jess over her parents death.

Episode 4 That Day

The day that Sarah’s parent’s died.

Episode 5 Workaholic

Jess throws herself into work and uncovers Sheriff Moore and Captain Anderson’s involvement in the trafficking network.

Episode 6 The On Off Switch

Sarah and Jess clash as Sarah ramps up her green ambitions.

Episode 7 I’m Sticking Around for Now

Jess’ love hate relationship with the town becomes even more complicated.

Season 3: Unmasked – Finally!

Episode 1 Two Down Four to Go

Jess solves the recent double murders, but Luke Smith and Adam Pearson are still missing.

Episode 2 The Real Unknown

Jess seeks the Twins help during a séance.

Episode 3 The Twins and The Whirlpool

The Twins and their beloved Charles.

Episode 4 Why Shouldn’t I?

Sarah ramps up her Senate ambitions.

Episode 5 There’s a Joke In There Somewhere

The Investment Banker and the Oil Producer.

Episode 6 I know

Jess suspects that Adam and Luke are still alive.

Episode 7 Memories

Jess’ parents return to Green Lake for a vacation.

Season 4: A Homecoming to Remember

Episode 1 Three Down Three to Go

Jess finds Luke alive, but her brother, Adam, is still missing.

Episode 2 Uncomfortable Truths

Jess revisits the day that Adam went missing and his two friends murdered.

Episode 3 Four Down Two to Go

Jess solves Charles’ (Peggy’s grandson’s and Adam’s friend’s) murder from five years ago.

Episode 4 The Minnow in An Even Bigger Lake

Jess takes down Captain Anderson and the Trafficking Network.

Episode 5 The Confession

Sarah confesses: it’s all my fault!

Episode 6 A New Beginning

Jess is on a high after being elected to Sheriff after Linda Moore decides to retire.

Episode 7 The Only Option

Jess kills the blackmailer.

Season 5: I Don’t Remember I Can’t Remember

Episode 1 That Was Then This Is Now

Jess takes a vacation.

Episode 2 It’s A Win Win

Sarah runs for Senate and wins.

Episode 3 Closure

Adam turns up. The final murder is solved.

Episode 4 Ambiguous

All is not as it seems.

Episode 5 Goodbye

Sarah goes to Washington DC.

Episode 6 On My Own Terms

Jess is alone.

Episode 7 We Won

Jess and Sarah reunite.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Green Lake

What I learned was this is was a tough challenge and I’m hoping I can make the journey from A to B more intriguing.

ARC

Season 1 Jess Pearson is a Senior Detective aiding the Green Lake County Sheriff’s Office and trying to solve a murder and disappearance case while finding her missing brother.

Season 5 Jess Pearson is Sheriff Jess Pearson of Green Lake revered among law enforcement and feared by criminals state wide.

Season 1 through 5

A. Solving a murder and disappearance with the same MO as that of her brother’s 5 years before and in the same vacation town, Green Lake.

B. Big Picture Arc/Journey: From Senior Big City Detective to Sheriff of the smallest big crime town in the American Midwest.

C. Displacing Sheriff Moore and defeating Captain Anderson and the Oil Producers.

D. Mystery/Open Loops: Will she solve both cases; Will she find her brother; Will her secret hacking skills help or hinder her investigations. Will she clean up the town and rid its big crime activities; Will Sarah forgive her.

E. Cliffhangers: TBC.

Bigger Opponent

Season 1: Conflict with Sheriff Linda Moore

Season 2: Confronting Captain Anderson

Season 3: Conflict with Oil Producers and locals

Season 4: Conflict with Sarah, retired Sheriff, and Oil Producers

Season 5: Winning as Sheriff, maybe? Maybe Not.

Bigger Arena

Season 1: Green Lake, a small town in North Dakota

Season 2: Nearby towns

Season 3: big cities

Season 4: state wide

Season 5 American Mid West

New Layer Exposed

Season 1: Full extent of corruption is exposed but string pullers remain largely hidden; Murderer still unknown. Luke still missing.

Season 2: Discover Sheriff, Captain Anderson’s and Oil Producer schemes

Season 3: Murderer unmasked; Luke still missing; Brother still missing

Season 4: Luke is found; Brother still missing

Season 5: Brother found; Murderer five years ago is unmasked; String pullers unmasked

Season 1: Welcome Back!

How does a Big City Detective clean up small town big crime without exposing her own secrets?

After her Big City Detective ambitions are thwarted, Senior Detective Jess Pearson returns to the area where her family summer vacationed to help Sheriff Linda Moore solve a double murder and disappearance. Jess sees this as an opportunity to find her brother who five years ago went missing under similar circumstances while keeping her newly found County Sheriff ambitions alive. Trouble is she needs to confront a past that includes Sarah Watson who is on a mission to Green Green Lake and that vision for the town doesn’t include a Jess Pearson anywhere near it let alone a Sheriff Jess Pearson.

Season 2: Case Almost Solved but Will Never be Closed

Senior Detective Jess Pearson continues to investigate the recent double murders and disappearances and discovers Sheriff Moore and Captain Anderson’s schemes.

Season 3: Unmasked – Finally!

Senior Detective Jess Pearson solves the recent double murder, but Luke Smith and her brother are still missing.

Season 4: A Homecoming to Remember

Senior Detective Jess Pearson finds Luke alive, but her brother is still missing. Finally, she must confront the day that she found her brother missing and their two friends murdered.

Season 5: I Don’t Remember I Can’t Remember

Senior Detective Jess Pearson faces some difficult truths to find her brother and bring him home.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from this assignment is that I’ve created a baseline for my characters there are still some gaps but I will continue to fill those gaps and build out the characters throughout this course.

Green Lake

Jess Pearson

Jess Pearson is an ex-big city senior detective sent to investigate a murder and disappearance with a similar MO to that of her brother five years ago and in the same small town, Green Lake, where her family used to summer vacation.

She’s not averse to solving cases quickly through her secret hacking skills but in a small town everything is off the grid including the crime statistics at the local Sheriff’s office.

However, that’s not the only secret she has. She wonders how far she’ll get in her quest to take over Sheriff Moore’s small, but powerful office and whether Sarah Watson will ever forgive her.

Sheriff Linda Moore

Sheriff Linda Moore almost thirty years on the job is not ready to retire but has few options when ex- big city detective, Jess Pearson, arrives to work alongside her on a murder and disappearance case. Sheriff has history with Jess’ family and with Jess’ arrival she now knows for sure that she’s on borrowed time.

Sarah Watson

Sarah Watson artist and architect is on a mission to green Green Lake but is facing opposition from the local oil producers. Besides, she doesn’t have a right to tell others what to do, her family has owned the only gas station in town for the last 50 years. But Sarah is determined to lead the town to a more sustainable future that is until Jess Pearson walks back into her life. She finds herself in constant fight or flight mode and wonders whether she’ll ever be able to finish what she started.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Module 2 Assignment 1

What I learned from this assignment is that I don’t have all the answers but that I’ll continue to create, to improve, to refine, and to elevate.

Green Lake

Concept

A. A former big city Detective partners with a local County Sheriff to help solve a gruesome murder and disappearance with the same MO as that of her brother’s case

B. After her big city career ambitions are thwarted

C. But first she must learn to live as a local in the same village where she, her parents, and brother used to summer vacation

D. As she aspires to take over the County Sheriff’s small but powerful office

The World

Unique Sub-World: A sleepy vacation town with an abnormally high death rate

Previously unexplored: Where Crime, Paranormal Activity, and threats from the Natural Environment collide

The unknown: Will Jess solve the crimes; Will she be killed first

The unseen: Everyone in the town has committed a crime

Unheard of Dangers: Paranormal Activity; Pollution; Animals and Birds behaving weirdly; The whirlpools under Green Lake

Reason to explore it: To find out what happened to her brother

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara Gilmore has completed the BW Framework!

And is waiting for SU feedback.

What I learned is that the FW has given me the freedom to think more creatively and differently about characters and plot lines while not losing site of the big and small mysteries. This process is iterative and incremental and I’m sure that my storyline and characters will continue to evolve.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Assignment 1

Big Little Lies

Madeline Mackenzie wants to be a good person wants to be perfect and that’s the image she works hard to portray and is critical of others who don’t meet her ideal or what she perceives is the ideal mom and wife, but she cheated on Ed, her husband, and she isn’t truly happy being a full time mom even though she’s made that her mission in life and even though she’s critical of other mom’s who also have careers. She is Celeste’s best friend yet knows nothing about Celeste and Perry’s violent relationship and that Celeste is about to leave Perry.

Celeste and Perry beautiful successful strong people with a happy marriage is the image they portray, yet behind closed doors their relationship is toxic and violent.

Bonnie is the cool, calm collected yoga, meditator, mediator type, sensible, she’s triggered by seeing Perry beating on Celeste, in a moment of anger she pushes Perry he falls down the stairs to his death.

Assignment 2..

Green Lake to follow

[Barbara Gilmore]

Assignment 2 Irony

Green Lake

I’m still brainstorming this is not quite there but so far

Green Lake is a crisp and clear lake but is also polluted.

Jess is a detective yet is also a hacker who uses those skills on the downlow to get results on her cases. She upholds the law but also breaks it.

Sheriff upholds the law but is also protecting Captain Anderson who is involved in illicit dealings.

Sarah Watson inherited her parents gas station and continues to run that but has been an environmental supporter who is leading the town to a zero-carbon future.

Sheriff doesn’t want to retire is afraid that if she does past misdeeds will come to light that will make her future retirement life very uncomfortable.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Assignment 1

Big Little Lies

Monterey: Beautiful, rich and successful people on the surface have it all in their Perfect World.

Plot Layer 1: Who was killed and who is the killer? This has still not been revealed (still season 1 finale to watch) but we witness throughout season 1 Celeste and Perry’s violent relationship.

Plot Layer 2: Day 1 of the school run we see Madeline Mackenize make fast friends with Jane Chapman after Madeline is rear ended. After school teacher announces that someone hurt Amabella Klein, Amabella points the finger at Ziggy Chapman but Ziggy denies it was him. This leads to various confrontations between Jane Chapman, Madeline Mackenzie, and Renata Klein. Madeleine Mackenzie and Renata Klein are enemies but we don’t yet know why other than one is a successful career woman (Renata) balancing parenting versus Madeline who has given up her career to be a stay at home mom.

Plot Layer 3: Why did Jane Chapman, a single mom, come to live in Monterey. Her son Ziggy wants to know who his real father is but Jane won’t tell brushes him off. Turns out that Jane was raped but we don’t yet know who raped her. After sharing the story with Madeline Mackenzie they decide to try and find him. Jane goes off script and visits who she thinks is her rapist. She’s carrying a gun, but leaves before any damage is done.

Assignment 2

Green Lake

Plot

Surface: A sleepy vacation town everyone flocks to in summer.

Layer 1: There have been two sets of murders and disappearances in the last 5 years.

Layer 2: Beneath the veneer the town is a hub for drug trafficking. The murders and disappearances may be connected to local drug dealers.

Layer 3: The arrival of a formerly big city detective to help the local Sheriff solve these cases threatens to upend the town’s illicit activities.

Layer 4: The Sheriff will try to mislead the investigation to protect the Detective’s boss, Captain Anderson, and herself.

Major Scheme Revealed:

Mystery Revealed: Who is responsible for the murders and disappearances.

Thought Story was One Thing but is another: Drug dealers but may be another killer at large.

Major Shift in Meaning: Paranormal activity is at play.

Hidden History: Sheriff Moore and Captain Anderson have been cutting deals for 10 years.

Hidden Plan: To kill Jess.

Major Betrayal: Sheriff and Captain Anderson working against the investigation.

Main Character:

Surface: Detective Jess Pearson is sent and accepts an assignment to work on a murder and disappearance case in an adjacent town. This case has the same MO as the one in which her brother disappeared.

Hidden Agenda: Jess is ambitious wants to solve the cases in front of her, but also wants to find out what happened to her brother.

Secret Identity: Jess is also a hacker and uses those technology skills to help solve her cases, sometime illegally.

Wound: Ambitions were thwarted as a big city detective. Blames herself for her brother’s disappearance.

Hidden Relationships: Sarah and her were lovers.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Assignment 1

Big Little Lies

Shocking Event Mystery

1. Someone is dead: who is it, who did it, why did they do it?

2. Jane was raped by Ziggy’s father: who and why?

Mystery Over Time

1. Amabella is being bullied by whom?

Big Picture Open Loops:

1. Will the killed and killer be revealed?

2. Will Madeline and Jane find Jane’s rapist and punish him?

3. Will Amabella finally tell her parents who is bullying her?

4. Will Celeste leave Perry before Perry kills Celeste.

Small Picture Open Loops:

1. Will Celeste return to work as a Lawyer defying Perry’s wishes?

2. Will Madeline continue her affair with the Theatre Director

3. Will Ed Mackenzie find out about Madeline’s affair with the Theatre Director?

4. Will Ed Mackenzie have an affair?

Assignment 2

My Show Green Lake

Shocking Event Mystery

1. Who killed the 2 lovers and where is Steve?

Mystery Over Time

1. What really happened 5 years ago on the day that Adam Pearson (Jess’ brother) disappeared and two of his friends were murdered?

Big Picture Open Loops

1. Will Jess solve the murder and disappearance of the 3 friends (Goals).

2. After 5 years missing, will Jess find her brother alive? (Goals)

3. What’s the real reason that Jess was sent from another town to investigate the Green Lake murder? (Goals/Consequences)

Small Picture Open Loops

1. Will Jess rekindle her relationship with Sarah? (Relationships)

2. Will Sheriff Moore retire at the end of the summer? (Goals)

3. Will Jess get the promotion she’s chasing? (Goals/Risks)

4. Will the Twins overcome the grief of their grandson’s murder 5 years ago? (Goals/Problem Solving)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned doing this assignment is that I had started to develop the idea for my show or movie using a big hook approach and building on that.

I need to spend more time on this, but for now…

Assignment 1: Big Little Lies

Part 1 Shocking Event

Someone is dead

Who: don’t know

What: someone is dead

When: in the last hour

Where: at a fancy dress party/ball attended by Celeste Wright, Madeline Mackenzie

How: don’t know

Why: don’t know

Part 2 Over Time

Amabella Klein

Who: don’t know

What: is being bullied

When: over the last month

Where: at school

How: physical marks on her body

Why: don’t know

Jane Chapman

Who: don’t know

What: met a man and was raped

When: about 7 years ago

Where: in a hotel room

How: don’t know

Why: don’t know

Assignment 2: My Show

Part 1 Shocking Event:

Who: a group of 3 friends

What: 2 are killed, 1 has disappeared

When: in the past 24 hrs

Where: a Trail Head rest stop

How: stabbed

Why: don’t know

Part 2 Over Time:

Who: Jess

What: Investigates her brother’s disappearance with the same MO as the murder she’s been brought to town to investigate

When: now

Where: in the town where she used to summer vacation

How: part of her job as a Detective

Why: she needs to know what happened to her brother

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from doing this assignment was that I’m drawn to mystery, bad things happen to good people, but bad things could also happen to bad people…I need to spend some time on my show and get creative with Empathy and Distress.

Assignment 1

Big Little Lies

Celeste and Perry’s violent relationship seen in at least 1 scene per episode with the level of Perry’s agitation and violence increasing

Madeline’s competitive and controlling behaviour and simmering anger towards Ed, and it’s impact on her relationships with her kids (her teenage daughter just moved out to stay with Ed and Bonnie), Ed, Bonnie, and increasingly Nathan (Madeline had sex with the Theatre Director).

Ziggy pressing Jane for information about his father triggers Jane and her reaction is unpredictable: leveled when others are around but when Ziggy and Jane are alone it’s more extreme.

Assignment 2

My show Green Lake

I need to work on this but I would say that all main characters have the potential to experience all

A. Undeserved misfortune – Jess’ brother’s disappearance.

B. External Character conflicts – Jess pushing Sheriff into early retirement.

C. Plot intruding on life.

D. Moral dilemmas – Jess and Sarah secret lovers should they reveal this secret that will hurt Jess’ brother.

E. Forced decisions they’d never make.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from doing this assignment is that the relationship map is proving to be and will continue to be an invaluable framework to build out characters and their relationships. I enjoy using it and it certainly helps with creativity.

Assignment #1

Big Little Lies

Madeline Mackenzie and Jane Chapman

Relationship Surface Friends

Relationship Common Ground Parent at same school; she too used to be a single mom

Relationship Conflict Wants Jane to find out who raped her, Jane not 100% sure this is a good idea

Relationship History Recently met no history

Relationship Subtext Wants Jane to date again

Relationship Arc Strangers to Close Friends

Madeline Mackenzie Celeste Wright

Relationship Surface Madeline needs her more

Relationship Common Ground Parent at same school; gave up career to raise kids

Relationship Conflict Has not been revealed

Relationship History Has not been revealed

Relationship Subtext Wants Celeste to return to her legal career

Relationship Arc Best friend to closer Best Friend

Madeline Mackenzie Renate Klein

Relationship Surface Well matched adversaries Renate may have the edge

Relationship Common Ground Parent at same school

Relationship Conflict Opposes play in which Madeline is the lead actor

Relationship History Career woman versus stay at home mom

Relationship Subtext Wants to triumph over Renate at everything

Relationship Arc Adversaries to Friends

Madeline Mackenzie Bonnie Carlson

Relationship Surface Adversaries

Relationship Common Ground Marriage to Ben Carlson

Relationship Conflict Control of Nathan Carlson, Madeline and Nathan’s kids

Relationship History Was married to Nathan, Bonnie’s husband

Relationship Subtext Jealous wants them to split up or Nathan to be unhappy

Relationship Arc Adversaries to friends

Assignment 2

My show Green Lake

Jess Pearson and the Sheriff

Relationship Surface Colleagues

Relationship Common Ground Work together

Relationship Conflict Wants Sheriff’s job

Relationship History Sheriff in charge of investigating Jess’ brother’s disappearance

Relationship Subtext Sheriff protecting town’s criminals

Relationship Arc Boss to Competitors

Jess Pearson and Sarah Watson

Relationship Surface Friends

Relationship Common Ground Spent summer vacations together doing art

Relationship Conflict Wants to rekindle their relationship

Relationship History Secret lovers

Relationship Subtext Was dating Jess’ brother when he disappeared

Relationship Arc Lovers to Friend

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from this assignment was to observe and try to understand on a deeper level the characters in my Example Show (Big Little Lies). I also need to continue to build out the characters in my own show using the techniques here.

Assignment 1

Big Little Lies

Madeline Mackenzie

A. Situational: Hope / Fear = Winning/Losing

B. Motivation: Want / Need = Acknowledgement/Stay in control of her family

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask = Anger/Nice, Assertive

D. Weaknesses = Insecurity

E. Triggers = Competition, Disagreement, Not getting what she wants

F. Coping Mechanism = Manipulate, Drinks

Jane Chapman

A. Situational: Hope / Fear = Gets over rape/intimate again/unable to be intimate again

B. Motivation: Want / Need = Intimacy, Revenge/ Self-Acceptance

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask = Anger/In Control

D. Weaknesses = Distrust of others

E. Triggers = Ziggy and others asking about Ziggy’s father

F. Coping Mechanism = Exercise: running fast along the beach (mostly), visits the gun range

Celeste Wright

A. Situational: Hope / Fear = Free from her husband/emotional breakdown & death

B. Motivation: Want / Need = Control and Freedom/Sex and Stability

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask = Fear and Pride/Perfect Relationship

D. Weaknesses = Agreeable

E. Triggers = Husband, Perry’s, controlling behaviour

F. Coping Mechanism = Gets fashionably dressed up, sex

Assignment 2

Green Lake (my show) in progress

Jess Pearson

A. Situational: Hope / Fear =

B. Motivation: Want / Need =

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask =

D. Weaknesses =

E. Triggers =

F. Coping Mechanism = Astrology

Sheriff Moore

A. Situational: Hope / Fear =

B. Motivation: Want / Need =

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask =

D. Weaknesses =

E. Triggers =

F. Coping Mechanism =

Sarah Watson

A. Situational: Hope / Fear =

B. Motivation: Want / Need =

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask =

D. Weaknesses =

E. Triggers =

F. Coping Mechanism = Art, Photography

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned from this assignment:

I need to spend more time to build out all of my main characters and their layers. I’ll continue to build out the layers of my main character, Jess, but some may evolve.

ASSIGNMENT 1: A list of the places you’ve already seen Character Intrigue in the previous episodes so Big Little Lies

School Principals Office, The Bar, the Beach, the Classroom, The School Theatre.

ASSIGNMENT 2: For the Inner Circle characters, fill in any of the Intrigue items that apply.

Big Little Lies

Character: Madeline Mackenzie

Hidden Agenda: Revenge on her ex-husband and Bonnie

Oppose everything that Renata Klein is for (but we don’t know why)

Competition: Everyone except Jane Chapman, Celeste Wright, Ed and her 2 children. Competing against Bonnie Carlson and Nathan Carlson (ex-husband).

Conspiracy: She’s conspiring with the Play’s Director to oppose Renata’s petition against Madeline’s play

Secrets: Hasn’t gotton over her ex-husband

Some unrevealed secret is the source of her opposition to Renata Klein

Deception: She set up a trip for her daughter and her friends the same date as Amabella’s Birthday Party to try and ruin Amaella’s bthd party

Wound: She didn’t go to college and doesn’t have the career she dreamed of

Hasn’t forgiven her ex-husband Nathan for leaving her with the two kids

Secret Identity: Woman of the Year

Character: Jane Chapman

Hidden Agenda: Trying to find her son’s father perhaps for revenge

Competition: Herself

Conspiracy: Has told Madeline about the rape it’s possible that Jane will seek revenge

Secrets: Was raped by Ziggy’s father

Deception: She’s gotten over the night of the rape

Wound: The rape

Secret Identity: Wants her son to have a good life

Character: Celeste Wright

Hidden Agenda: To be free and get her old life back

Competition: Unsure

Conspiracy: To leave her husband or kill him

Secrets: Her husband is violent towards her

Deception: She sets up family time but excludes her husband

Wound: She left her family and her career (as an accomplished attorney) for the husband who is violent towards her

Secret Identity: Attorney of the Year

My Show (Green Lake)

Character: Jess Pearson

Hidden Agenda: To solve the mystery of her brother’s disappearance

Competition: Sheriff Linda Moore

Conspiracy: unsure

Secrets: She was let go from her previous role because she broke the law

She knows more about her brother’s disappearance than she told at the time

Deception: Upholds the law but also breaks it

Wound: As a Big City Detective her ambitions were thwarted

Secret Identity: Sheriff Jess Pearson

[Barbara Gilmore]

Big Little Lies

I couldn’t answer all the questions for the five main characters that I’d identified earlier. This made me wonder whether there are five main characters or whether I should circle back on this later. So I’ll focus on two for now.

Madeline Mackenzie:

A. Role in the show: Perfect full-time mom.

B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: She wants to control everyone and everything in her world.

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? she loves her kids and she does everything for them to be the best mom but deep down wishes she wasn’t a full time mom. She also harbors a deep resentment for her ex-husband.

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? She threatens to ruin Amabelle’s birthday party if she doesn’t invite Ziggy. Despite only knowing Jane and Ziggy for a day, she believes them when they say that he didn’t hurt Amabelle.

E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? When she found out that Bonnie had taken her daughter to Planned Parenthood, she confronted Bonnie outside the school.

F. Empathetic: Why do we care? We know that she cares about people and she’s loyal, but she doesn’t always show that and we want her to figure it out before she destroys all of her relationships.

Jane Chapman:

A. Role in the show: is the polar opposite of the other characters: single mom, book keeper.

B. Unique Purpose / Expertise: is the outsider: is not wealthy, doesn’t have a high profile career.

C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface? Why did she come to live in Monterey.

D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing? Rebuffing her son when he asks who his father is.

E. Unpredictable: What will they do next? Will she tell her son who his father is?

F. Empathetic: Why do we care? She’s unassuming, modest, she’s not wealthy has to make a living, wants to support her son, get him a good education, and we want her to succeed.

My Show (Green Lake)

Jess Pearson

Role in the Show: Senior Detective

Unique Purpose/ Expertise: She’s a great detective good at solving cases quickly.

Moral Issue: She uses her software engineering background to cross privacy boundaries when investigating her cases.

Unpredictable: She stays at Peggy & Patsy’s which is haunted rather than in a safer location.

Empathetic: She was the last one to see her brother (missing) and his two murdered friends alive. She also discovered the murder scene.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

What I learned:

How to put a structure around the characters which helps me to deconstruct the Characters and their Relationships and understand what makes them compelling and original.

ASSIGNMENT 1: Big Little Lies

A. Main Characters Circle:Madeline MacKenzie, Celeste Wright, Jane Chapman, Bonnie Carlson, Renate Klein

B. Connected Circle: Perry Wright, Ed Mackenzie, Nathan Carlson, Gordon Klein, Ziggy Chapman, Chloe Mackenzie, Amabella Klein, Abigail Carlson, Sky Carlson, Josh Wright, Max Wright

C. Environment Circle: School Kids, School Principal, Café guy, Other Parents, Police, Detectives

2. Give us a one sentence description of each of the Main Characters.

Madeline Mackenzie: very active in the school, realtor?, seems to have regrets about unfulfilled career, fear of empty nest her children growing up and missing opportunities, still stuck on her ex and Bonnie, critical of others work/career choices versus parenting.

Celeste Wright: is quiet, difficult to read, not sure what her job is, Madeline’s best friend yet very different from Madeline.

Jane Chapman: single mom with a son, is independent, not working, recently moved to Monterey, difficult relationship with her mom.

Bonnie Carlson: yoga/health instructor, laid back, opposite of Madeline and with Madeline’s ex.

Renate Klein: lawyer, on multiple big Corp. Boards, highly successful big profile career, but is very dissatisfied.

ASSIGNMENT 2: Green Lake (Working Title)

A. Main Characters Circle: Jess Pearson, Sheriff Linda Moore, Peggy & Patsy, Sarah Watson.

B. Connected Circle: Dr. Sally Williams Pathologist, Steve Beresford, Luke Smith, Anna Cole, Dave Smith, Jane Smith

C. Environment Circle: Police colleagues, people who live in the village/lake area, vacationers

2. Give us a one sentence description of each of the Main Characters.

Jess Pearson until recently was a big city detective is now working in the County Sheriff’s office near where where she used to summer vacation with her parents.

Sheriff Moore has been on the job for 30 years and will retire next year.

Peggy & Patsy are identical twins who own a small guest house that’s haunted.

Sarah Watson is a local artist and award winning cafe owner who used to be Jess’ best friend.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Big Little Lies

1. Big Picture Hooks – someone is dead but we don’t know who. Monterey rich we are invited into an interesting world that we don’t inhabit.

2. Amazing and Intriguing Character – Madeline MacKenzie.

3. Empathy / Distress – Madeline is driven, rude, energetic, talkative, confident, opinionated, honest. Identify with aspects of her situation (traffic frustration someone texting and driving causing an accident). Takes the new woman (Jane Chapman) under her wing.

4. Layers / Open Loops

Who died and why?

Who is Jane Chapman in this community of rich people?

Why does Renata seem unhappy despite her success.

Why is Celeste Wright tense around her very handsome husband that everyone likes.

5. Inviting Obsession

Creates questions that we want answered

Interesting Characters and Relationships

A Murder Mystery

What I learned from this assignment:

I learned to think in terms of the big picture hooks, the characters have more depth but what we are seeing is a setup and a pay off will come later. Characters may have secrets there’s a feeling there’s more to be revealed. The first scene is the death and so we are immediately drawn in to ask who died and how.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara

I’ve written one full feature and a second feature is 50% complete.

I’m taking this course because I’d like to write more interesting layered characters and improve my plotlines. I’m also wondering whether I can build out my first or second feature as a TV show.

Not sure if this is unique or unusual, but I have a primary profession which is project and program management. When I’m not working on a project, I work as a background actor (UBCP/ACTRA). I enjoying being on set and part of that process. I love writing scripts in my spare time.

Over the years, I’ve attended several of Hal and Cheryl’s classes. Fall 2020 through early 2021, emboldened, I decided to rewrite of my first feature (which had placed in the QFs of the FreshVoices screenplay competition back in 2012). Last week, I found out my script placed in the QFs of the Inroads Fellowship Season 4 competition 2021 (by Filmmatic). Such feedback inspires me to continue writing.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Barbara Gilmore.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Barbara Gilmore

I agree to the terms of this release form

[Barbara Gilmore]

I made some changes including to the title…and built out a few things too..

TITLE: Three Lakes

FORMAT/GENRE: 50 minute Crime Drama – Serial

CONCEPT: After her career ambitions are thwarted, a big city detective returns to the small town where her brother disappeared five years before in order to help the local Sheriff solve a gruesome double murder.

How far will a detective go to solve cold cases without sacrificing herself, the woman, and the communities that she loves?

Alternative concept: is a bit wordy so I might stick to the above logline.

When a big city detective with a penchant for hacking has her high-profile case thrown out on a data privacy violation, she’s demoted and reassigned to another jurisdiction to help solve their cold cases. Within a day of her arrival she’s sent to help the local Sheriff solve a gruesome double murder in the same small town where her brother disappeared five years before.

SUMMARY:

When Jessica (Jess) Pearson, an ambitious big city detective with a penchant for hacking, has one of her high profile cases thrown out on a data privacy violation, she’s demoted and reassigned to a sprawling rural jurisdiction to help solve their cold cases. Within a day of her arrival she’s sent to investigate the gruesome double murder of a young married couple, Anna and Steve, and the disappearance of their friend, Luke Smith, in the small vacation town, Green Lake, where her family used to spend their summers until her brother, Adam, disappeared in what now appears to be similar circumstances to the Smith case.

Jess wants to become Sheriff, but long-term incumbent, Sheriff Linda Moore, who Jess blames for failing to solve her brother’s case, doesn’t want to retire.

As Jess works to solve both cases, she finds herself reliving the pain of her brother’s disappearance while dealing with the fallout from a relationship gone wrong. Green vinter, climate artist, and love of her life, Sarah Watson hasn’t forgiven Jess for leaving her, besides Sarah has big plans of her own all the way to the Senate.

Once idyllic Green Lake and surrounding villages are now grappling with rural gentrification, climate change, pollution, and a water crisis, pitting business against business, neighbour against neighbour, and Sarah against the town.

When Sarah’s boyfriend, environmental activist Nick Beresford, becomes the primary suspect in the Smith case, Jess is drawn back into Sarah’s world. Jess doesn’t believe that Nick is the killer and sets out to expose the truth, but in doing so uncovers an elaborate web of corruption that connects the Sheriff’s Department to big agriculture, Sarah’s vineyard, politicians, and organized crime that is destroying these once idyllic and thriving communities.

Jess is left wondering how much she’ll risk to solve both cases, and bring her brother, Adam, back home, while trying to save the local communities from destruction.

EPISODE STRUCTURE: This detective must solve cases and get justice while dismantling an elaborate web of corruption that is destroying once idyllic and thriving communities.

[Barbara Gilmore]

Thank you!