Bernadine Okoro
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Bernadine Okoro Max Interest – Part 1
What I learned in IMPROVING MY WRITING is that creating maximum interest takes work. And initially I was stumped in making changes as to the scenes. It was easier for me to practice the techniques of putting the scene in a more interesting setting, a major twist and character changes radically. Also, I felt that I needed to go back to my character’s extreme traits trying to tie their traits to scenes and scene changes. So I picked a beginning scene that needed assistance as I need to rework my extreme traits from the beginning of the screenplay.
I selected a scene closer to ACT 1 of the screenplay.
Logline: We are in Ward 6, a psychiatric ward for juveniles that is situated behind Capitol Hill. Terrance Hawkins gives Julius Kincaid a glimpse of its residents. In the Arkansas room, We see a black girl in her tweens at a wooden desk. The bed next to the desk is made up. The girl’s head is covered with a cloth. She mutters back and forth to herself. She says “They got it twisted. Ain’t nobody getting anything over me. Nobody.”
I used the techniques of “major twist” and the “character changes radically” for the rewrite:
INT. PSYCHIATRIC WARD – DIMLY LIT ROOM – DAY
A small, dimly lit room in a rundown psychiatric ward. The door opens. The atmosphere is heavy with despair and isolation. A wooden desk sits against one wall, next to a neatly made bed. A black girl in her tweens, her head covered with a cloth, is seated at the desk. She mutters to herself, lost in her own world.
ANGLE ON: The cloth slips off the girl’s head, revealing her face. It bears scars and bruises, evidence of her inner torment. Her eyes, filled with fear and sorrow, reflect the deep pain she carries.
Suddenly, the room undergoes a sinister transformation. The walls contort, pulsating with eerie energy. Strange substances ooze from the cracks, creating an otherworldly ambiance.
The girl’s body starts to twist and elongate, as if being pulled by unseen forces. The wooden desk shatters beneath her, revealing a cold, concrete floor. Her clothes morph into a faded hospital gown, tattered and stained.
MONTAGE:
The girl’s muttering intensifies, blending with distorted voices and fragmented thoughts that echo throughout the room.
Shadows dance and crawl along the walls, mocking her fragile state of mind.
The room becomes a nightmarish maze, its layout shifting unpredictably, trapping the girl within its twisted corridors.
BACK TO SCENE:
The girl, now a prisoner of her own mind, fights against the overwhelming darkness that surrounds her. Her struggle is futile, as the room itself seems to feed off her despair, intensifying her suffering.
As the door closes, we’re left with the haunting image of the girl, trapped within the nightmarish confines of the psych ward, battling against the overwhelming darkness that threatens to consume her completely.
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Bernadine puts Essence to Work
What I learned is it takes time to perfect the skill of finding the ‘essence” and then transferring this skill into your own work when starting out for the first time. I will have to train myself to pick out scenes, dialogue etc to practice and experiment with to jumpstart this process. Otherwise, my mind may stay with the illusion that there is nothing more than can done with the scene/dialogue/ story. So, for me, it helps if I assume the role of someone independent; and observe material from a detached POV. So I can give myself a way to start.
Script I choose – The Advocate
Scene 1 Location: INT. Conference Room
Logline: A chubby but cheery linebacker built Terrance Hawkins introduces a posh, expensive suit wearing Julius Kincaid while several staffers look on indifferently and with curiosity.
Essence I discovered: This is a political move. Terrence is out. Julius is in. Terrance has to show a united front and that he is ok, but he is seething. The staff ain’t buying the act.
New Logline: A chubby but cheery linebacker built Terrance Hawkins struggles to diplomatically concede to Julius Kincaid at the podium. Hawkins’ former staff loyalties are just as divided down to their seat arrangements.
Scene 2 Location: INT. Ida B Wells PCS Classroom
Logline: Six quotes are now posters vying for wall space and door space around the classroom.
Essence I discovered: The six quotes are voices on the wall that make people think. When it is read or spoken. Why are they laid out in the classroom like seasonal decorations that people stop noticing? They have blended into the environment and now need to wake up.
New Logline: Six 3D graphic style quotes protrude inconveniently around the walls and doors of the classroom forcing everyone who enters and exits to take notice. As Dr. Mughelli speaks, she challenges students to see these quotes with fresh eyes.
Scene 3 Location: INT. 24 -HR Convenience Mart
Logline: Dr. Morenike Mughelli goes inside to get some coffee, snacks and to fill up her gas tank. She bumps into Julius Kincaid in the drink aisle who asks for her help.
Essence I discovered: Julius is drowning, overwhelmed by his new “posh” position, that he pursues the nearest convenience mart for junk food. He encounters his middle school best friend and former teammate, now Dr. Morenike Mughelli whose expertise he discovers he needs.
New Logline: Morenike pulls into the gas station and ventures into the convenience mart. Julius, drowning and overwhelmed by work, pursues comfort food when he recognizes Morenike, his middle school best friend and former team mate, now all grown up. He discovers that she has expertise that he needs on his new team.
Scene 4 Location: INT. Kincaid’s Kitchen
Logline: Julius washes dishes as his wife, Cynthia discloses that Julius needs to talk to their daughter, Jacynthia. Julius rattles off his punch list.
Essence I discovered: Cynthia initiates her own parental conference when she discloses to Julius that Jacynthia, their daughter is maladjusting. Julius tries to rattle off his punch list but Cynthia asserts executive power.
New Logline: Julius washes dishes when his wife, Cynthia discloses that Jacynthia, their daughter, is maladjusting. When Julius tries to escape by rattling off his punch list, Cynthia asserts executive power.
Scene 5 Location: INT. Television Station – WDOM
Logline: Stella Kodjoe reports on anxiety during the holiday on her overactive bladder (OAB) segment.
Essence I discovered: Stella has to make the “puff’ and “light” pieces work just as well as her Impact human interest pieces.
New Logline: Stella Kodjoe reports on overactive bladder, OAB; its causes, its symptoms and tips on how to manage OAB during the holidays.
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Bernadine finds the essence.
What I learned is that the essence is the core, the truth you are trying to get at in the scene. And that when a scene gets “boring” or when a writer did not know what they were trying to accomplish, it had something to do with the lack of essence in the scene they have written.
Script I chose: The Blind Slide (2009)
Scene 1 Location : Wingate School Grounds
Logline: Big Tony approaches Cotton about interviewing Steven and Micheal for the school and the football team.
Essence: Steven is a sure thing, but Micheal is a diamond in the rough; they come as a package deal.
Scene 2 Location: Wingate Gymnasium
Logline: Big Mike bending down picking up any bags of leftover popcorn to eat.
Essence: Big Mike will scrounge for food when he sees an opportunity.
Scene 3 Location: Small Adjacent Room
Logline: Mrs. Boswell takes Big Mike to a small room, and verbally dictates the test to him with clarification of words and terms.
Essence: Mrs. Boswell tries something different with Micheal and sees a spark.
Scene 4 Location: Street Night
Logline: Leigh Anne and SJ notice Micheal walking in front of their BMW in shorts in winter.
Essence: Leigh Anne having seen Micheal many times now, finds out his situation and insists he come home with her and her family.
Scene 5 Location: Tuohy House – Kitchen
Logline: SJ and Sean attempt to help Micheal diagram sentence structures by using football analogies, as Leigh Anne watch them afar off.
Essence: Sean pre coaches Big Mike using football strategies to help him understand sentence structure and hopefully later, football.
My selection for the most profound scene is Scene 3 because Mrs. Boswell was willing to try something different to help Big Mike. That extra effort caused him to feel safe and when she provided that she discovered what knowledge he knew and retained on the test.
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a. I am new to this; I am not sure of the things I would need to do to increase my credibility. I need some help here please…
b. i think I will look for some ideas on how to increase credibility. I will work on my LinkedIn page because it is very techie. I want to position myself using both tech and screenwriter-producer skills.
c. This was intimidating at first, this assignment but after I dug into it, I found it to be very fascinating. I found that I had some credibility. I thought I didn’t have much except for my degree because I had not put my degree to work in the industry the way I wanted to.
Credibility Checklist
1. Your Writing Sample – n/a
2. Screenwriting Accomplishments
– Contest wins – Quarterfinalist, Randy Becker Contest
3. The Google factor
Google your name. How many of the items on the first page show you as a professional screenwriter? 0//9 – This shows that I have an author credit and VO credit but not screenwriter credit
4. Your Network
How many producers are in your network? 50
How many connections do you have who are connected to producers? 50+
5. Education specific to screenwriting
– Degree in film or screenwriting – Masters in Arts in Communication – Producing Film & Video – American University
– Film School with Dov S-S Simens
DC Community Television – Field Technician, Producing,
6. Borrowed Credibility
– Represented by an agent or manager – would like to be but not yet
7. IMDB CREDITS
none
8. Other forms of credibility that is related to screenwriting:
– Novels published – 1 novel, 1 co-author of an anthology, co-author of 2 textbooks
– Producer or director experience – 2 graduate shorts, 1 documentary grant, nonprofit theater production experience; regional theater 15+ years
– Experience working with agencies, production companies, film festivals, etc.. – Art-o-matic festival participant (2004); Source Theater festival – participant (2015)
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Valuable insights gained from the teleconference:
1. As a paid assignment writer, part of my task is to help the producer facilitate his vision creatively, hone in on that vision in the script, and do whatever it takes to bring that vision to pass.
2. Get a contract early in the process that outlines the steps to do as a writer – treatment, outline, 1st draft, 2nd draft, final draft polish, and credit attribution. This should come after a successful audition.
a. ) Project idea: a dramatic comedy about the tourism industry, its competitors and the characters that become almost like family.
b.) Project feature – my grad film thesis turned into drama feature: The Advocate -A hot shot LA juvenile prosecutor returns to his DC roots to uproot a system and become an unlikely defender of a major injustice.
I have no idea how much to budget: there are alot of locations; $1M-$5M
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Bernadine Okoro, I agree to the terms of this release form.