[Bernice Ye Ye]

Bernice Ye, I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Bernice Ye Ye]

What I’ve learned doing this assignment: using the cliche busting process to elevate the story and scenes. It can come out with much more power and freshness. I also learned that my opening needs a lot of world-building and context settings, which need improvements.

Logline: A girl prodigy of China’s one-child policy pursues a triumph in the most important exam of her life, even though she is cruelly punished by her school and shamed by her family because she falls in love.

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Story structure BEFORE the improvements:

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Main Conflict

“Succeeding by submitting to an impersonal machine” vs “succeeding by standing up to the system and being able to rely on and understand yourself”

1. Opening: when Binbin goes on a summer camp to see the prestigious universities in Beijing with other top students in her high school, she and Jun finally confess their love and kiss for the first time, even though it’s forbidden.

2. Inciting Incident: Binbin and Jun sneaked out of study session to watch a movie. They get caught by the teacher and they are in big trouble. they are punished and shamed publicly, and not allowed to see each other.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: she needs to succeed in this exam, but when she chooses love she is going upstream against school and parents’ pressure and public shaming, risking all she had worked against.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Binbin stays distant from Jun under the public eye to avoid pressure. As they drift further, Dai approaches as a friend who shows support and care when Binbin feels most vulnerable.

5. Mid-Point: Dai’s attention wins Binbin’s heart, they get closer as Binbin and Jun drift apart. Dai revealed to Binbin that he has been diagnosed with cancer.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Binbin decides to break up with Jun. Out of jealousy, Jun beats the shit out of Dai in front of everyone. When the teacher called all the parents into a meeting, Binbin learned that Dai never has cancer. All is a lie.

7. Crisis: Only two months before the exam, Binbin is heart-broken and under tons of pressure. She grades is dropping. If this continues, she knows she is going to fail the exam.

8. Climax: Binbin told her mom that she’d like to leave school and study at home. When they go to the teacher and ask for permission, it hits major clash with the teacher and they had to fight to get approval.

9. Resolution: Binbin shuts out all external distractions and uses her own system to tackle her weakness. However, Binbin doesn’t have the highest score. Binbin takes a risk betting on the less obvious school to apply. In the end, Binbin was accepted into one of the most prestigious universities in China.

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Story structure AFTER the improvements:

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Step 2 above (going to see a movie) looks like a cliche to me, so I decided to change it to:

2. Inciting Incident: Jin takes Binbin to sneak into an airforce base. They use the airforce training equipment to have fun and slides down the theatre curtains. That was the most magical moment of Binbin’s life. Then they get caught because they get held up by the thunderstorm.

Step 6 above (boy beats up another boy) looks like a cliche, so I decided to change it to:

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Binbin decides to break up with Jun. Out of jealousy, Jun challenges Dai to a drinking duel in front of everyone. The hypocritic teacher didn’t stop them. Dai ends up in the hospital.

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Partner needed!

My name is Bernice Ye. I know I’m probably the one with much less screenwriting experience than y’all 😅, but that also means I have fresh eyes from taking it all in from Hal’s model. And I promise you with great support, attention, and time. Also, from years of doing standup comedy, I did learn how to find the funny through authentic, vulnerable topics and stories.

Here is the logline of my screenplay, “The Girl with the Red Scarf” (working title):

A girl prodigy of China’s one-child policy pursues a triumph in the most important exam of her life but must sacrifice and betray her first love under the pressure of her school and family.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Bernice Ye Ye.

[Bernice Ye Ye]

What I learned: refocus on what my vision is from logline and one page.

Title: The Girl with the Red Scarf

Logline: A girl prodigy of China’s one-child policy pursues a triumph in the most important exam of her life, but must sacrifice and betray her first love under the pressure of her school and family.

One Page

A girl born during 1980s China’s one-child policy, Binbin is determined to prove to her traditional grandpa that girls are better than boys. After ranking at the top of all her exams and winning every single school competition, she enters as the city’s No. 1 into the high school that is famously known for its high rate of college acceptance and stern discipline.

In China, the three years of high school are to prepare the students for the most important exam of their lives – “Gaokao”, the college entrance exam, which is extremely high-stakes and on which students’ entire future depends. A score that doesn’t meet the line means staying in high school for another year at best, and suicide, at worst. Binbin’s high school earned its reputation by enforcing strict rules, including inhumanely long study hours, uniformed hairstyles, and absolutely no dating.

With high expectations from her family and the teacher, Binbin holds her place as a prodigy. Until just one year from the “Gaokao” exam, Binbin falls in love with a boy. Once caught by the teacher, Binbin and her first love are shamed publicly repeatedly as bad examples and become the laughing stock of her class. Devastated and lonely, Binbin finds herself getting closer to her best friend, who is faking cancer in order to earn her sympathy and manipulate her love.

Just two months before the “Gaokao” exam, tension escalates between the two boys. When they get into a bloody fight that calls all the parents to a meeting, Binbin leans her best friend never had cancer. Everything is a lie. Her world collapses. But there is no time for emotions, Binbin must pull herself together and study for her life, even if it means shutting out the boy she loves and cares about. If she doesn’t earn back her triumph in this exam, she will be forever considered a failure.

Binbin knows the only way is to drop out of the school where she is mocked on a daily basis, but that is a bold and shocking decision that receives strong objections from her teacher. Binbin has to open up completely to her mom, who supports her decision and fights with the teacher to make it happen. Despite a tremendous amount of pressure, with her mom’s moral support, Binbin comes through the finish line and gets into the most prestigious university in China.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Bernice Ye Ye.

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Hello Everyone!

My name is Bernice Ye. I’m very new to screenwriting and just finished my first script. Most of my creative writing experiences are from writing and performing standup comedy. For this class, I hope to use the rewrite framework to exam and iterate my first script, and also as I start working on my second.

Something unique about me, a rebel “girl” born during China’s one-child policy, I have always been an outsider, an underdog, and the one who beats the odds. I came to American by myself 17 years ago and worked my way up to be a leader in tech (Microsoft, Hulu, Disney), only to discover my true passion in standup comedy and creative writing. You can tell how serious I am by the fact I left my day job in Feb 2021 to focus on this pursuit.

I very much look forward to learning from everyone in this class!!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  Bernice Ye Ye.

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Hi Anna, thank you so much for the feedback! Sorry it took me so long, I thought I pressed “Post!”. I just looked up the trailer of “Water” and I see what you mean. I’ve been thinking of your feedback as I create my beat sheets and finding moments of happiness and light, and that was very helpful. Thank you so much!

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Thank you Douglas! Very nice to meet you, and glad to partner up with you for the next phase.

My email is bernice.ye@gmail.com, I found it’s easier to do feedback over email. Which assignment would you like to start on? Day 4 Character?

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Hi Dorothea,

Wow. What a powerful story. Knowing that this is based on a true story, I’m feeling the emotions in my heart as I read the plot points. I also really love the fact your protagonist is from a prosperous African-American family, has the privilege, confidence, which we don’t get to see on the screen, I absolutely love that. She grabs my attention right away and I want to go on this journey with her.

Reading the logline, what I got is that the problem is “her mother dies and her father is murdered by racists eager to seize her estate” and her goal is “flees for her life”. But reading the One Page feels her goal is actually saving John. What do you think?

This is what I got for the central conflict. External is all the obstacles to stop her escape and danger that could take her life. Internal is the loss of family, dignity, and how to gain it back. Let me know if that’s your intention?

The only thing that is a bit confusing to me on the story plots – at what point that she is saving John instead of trying to escape herself? I thought she was sold and enslaved, but how did she get in a position to save John? Or are they both trying to escape together?

Let me know if that helps. I am so excited about your story. I would love to see it come to life on the silver screen.

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Hi Dorothea,

Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to write concrete and constructive feedback! Super helpful!

The boyfriend (JUN) is her first love and also her first taste of the forbidden fruit. She was the teacher’s pet all along until she is the troubled child and the laughing stock. She doesn’t believe she did anything wrong and can still succeed in her exam, but the teacher and the rest of the society don’t believe so and put so much pressure on her that actually made her grades fall behind.

The friend (Dai) basically brought her into a love triangle. He is the only one she grasps onto when feeling helpless and we see how vulnerable she is through the things he is able to manipulate her into. He is also the one who ultimately crashes her world when she feels deeply betrayed by his lies.

Let me know if that helps or confuses further more. I agree it’s a bit convoluted right now so that’s why your feedback is so helpful. I forgot to mention in the logline that is also inspired by a true story, like yours.

Thanks again and let me jump on reading your assignment 1!!

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Hi Dorothea! Thank you so much for taking me up as a partner! And yes, let’s all exchange contact so it’s easier to collaborate.

My email is bernice.ye@gmail.com. I will email you to include my one page. Please email me your assignment one too, it seems to have been removed from the forum. Thank you so much!!

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Hi @Rico Cadayona and @Dorothea Bonneau ,

I know you two are already paired up, but my partner went with a different partner within her genre, and I was originally very interested in partnering with you since you are writing in topics and themes that I feel passionate about (myself is a middle-aged immigrant who lived in America for 17 years).

So I’m wondering if you are interested in doing a three-way partnering up, or if any of you is interested in taking up another partner. It’s a long shot but I would really appreciate your consideration. Thank you so much for helping out a fellow student.

This is my logline: The Girl with the Red Scarf

A girl prodigy of China’s one-child policy pursues a triumph in the most important exam of her life, even though she is cruelly punished by her school and shamed by her family because she falls in love.

[Bernice Ye Ye]

I see. No worries… Do you mind kindly providing feedback to my assignment 1 as I did for you? It’s past the deadline for me to find another partner for assignment 1 and I would really appreciate some feedback. Thank you.

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Phew, I was nervous to give a pro feedback! But I really love your idea and the story and couldn’t help 😉 Thank you for writing back!

That makes a lot of sense! In that case, I wonder if his goal (restoring the balance for him and the nation) and his obstacles (I’m not quite sure, what are his struggles? sounds like her struggles are his struggles?) can be highlighted more in the logline? “Help her prevail as she” sounds a bit reactive and passive for the protagonist. Again, if you are already thinking of it, feel free to ignore this 🙂

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Hi Anna! Thank you for partnering up with me!

Here is the feedback I have based on the Hal’s model from Day 1 supplement on logline and one page:

Logline:

it feels a bit long, may I ask which formula you are using? Maybe you can then apply it and see what it looks like? It might help to clarify and shorten the logline. Right now I’m not too clear what her problem/obstacles are, there seems to have multiple. Is she trying to succeed in her job but she doesn’t have the skill? Is she trying to save the community by exposing the drug ring? Then what’s her obstacle? Or is she trying to fit in but has culture shock?

One Page:

following Hal’s tip 1.b “Cut characters that aren’t essential to the basic plot. If possible, protagonist versus antagonist.”, feels like some of the romantic interest characters are getting too much detail. Maybe it can be simplified as something like multiple suitors/love triangle – I’m not using the right words, but wondering if there are ways to give the high-level ideal without introducing non-essential characters. The romantic interests part becomes a bit hard for me to follow, and I’m not sure if that’s the core of your story.

Hope it’s somewhat helpful… let me know if anything isn’t clear and if you have any questions! Great job!!!

[Bernice Ye Ye]

I didn’t see where we can sign that either. Would really appreciate if anyone who has done it to point us to the right direction:)

[Bernice Ye Ye]

Awesome!! Let’s do it 🙂 Thanks for being my partner! I will take a look at your longline and one page tonight!

[Bernice Ye Ye]

I love this! This is the show and stories I want to watch, and topics I cared about. I feel hooked! The one page reads clear to me.

Obviously, I have such little experiences compared to everyone here, so what do I know… the only thing with the logline, was it wasn’t super clear who the protagonist is. I think it’s the sculptor Idris, but when I read “help her prevail as she confronts deportation, a mental ward, Homeland Security, as well as being human”, it feels like the objective, obstacles, and struggles are hers, and he is here to help her to achieve her goal.

Again, what do I know 😛 Curious to hear from other brilliant minds!