[Bill]

Module 5 – Lesson 2: High Speed Writing
William Southwell’s High Speed Writing Rules
MY VISION: I am going to tell an uplifting story that will transform lives.
What I have learned from this lesson is: It is true: I can write much faster when I am not concerned about details. The skill I need to develop is: Generate action to fit the dialogue from her diary. When dating Jay, she expresses her conflict of wanting to control. This is in line with the profound journey which must dominate each scene.

EXT. HOME. FRONT PORDH. NIGHT.
Jay went to Charis’s MIA and took her home. Jay is maybe 3 years older. He is in the Navy stationed nearby and Charis is 17. (This makes a difference to understand Charis’s diary.) They both date others. Jay and others from the base attend church to meet girls.

CHARIS

Thank you for taking me to see that movie. I do like Barbara Stanwick.

JAY

It was my pleasure. I enjoy your company.

CHARIS

I must go in now. I am sure Mom is waiting up for me.

Charis gives him a quick kiss on the cheek.

Good night. Please call me.

Charis goes inside.

INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Charis sitting up in bed writing in her journal

CHARIS (VO)
Jay would probably be shocked if he knew what I have in mind. I would like to capture him for my own. We love the same things and I love him, simple as that, I do.
Charis stops and hold up her pen while she thinks
CHARIS (VO)
Of course it’s only the first stage of love, (butterflies and silver bells) but it could be more so easily. I’ve never been so – well this way about a boy (Man!) Just being with him I feel beautiful and happy. He has shown very little romantic inclination, in other words he isn’t fresh, like Russ. . . .
Charis pauses, then continues with determination in her voice.
CHARIS (VO)
In Jay I see my ideal of what I would want my husband to be. I think I would give up anything for him. I’m very serious in this. Always before I have been so selfish, but now I feel so different. I pray (and how) about it often. I know God will guide me. I wonder if he will ask me out when he gets back. I hope so…

[Bill]

William Southwell

I agree to the terms of this agreement.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Bill]

My name is William Southwell

My goal is to finish one screen play which I have struggled with for years. This course will hopefully take me through all aspects and at the end I will have it finished.

I am a retired physicist.

[Bill]

Subject line: Bill Southwell’s Profound Map Version 1

What I learned doing this assignment is: I was able to put together a new outline of the script employing the features of this course on Profound Screenwriting. A vast improvement.

TITLE: Charis
WRITTEN BY: Bill Southwell

What is Your Profound Truth?

Profound Truth is that deep love between a husband and wife can be so great that it can extend beyond death. That we can be inspired by departed loved ones to achieve greatness in this life. And that dedication to great causes outside of one’s self brings the greatest personal achievement.

What is the Transformational
Journey?

Charis begins full of ambition to become a renowned poet and achieve accolades for advancing feminist causes. She is stricken with a life-threatening disease and reevaluates her goals. She discovers her greatest achievements come from dedicating her talents to enhance the lives of others.

3. Old Ways:

She thinks she is happy in being in control and furthermore championing the feminist causes.

Journey:

Faced with a possible short life, Charis strives to become a great writer. Setbacks by health she repeatably recovers and advances. She meets Bill and learns that devotion to him is a bigger cause; but still struggles with Death. She finally achieves greatness as a writer and character victory.
New Ways: : She achieves humility and empathy and learns happiness by truly loving her husband. Her writing skills improve
Transformational Logline: Starting from being young, pretty, and popular with boys, and having ability to manipulate people, Charis’ outlook changes to look for potential in people. She marries Bill who loves her and devotes herself to his success as a physicist.

As this change occurs, she finds success as a writer.
1. Transformable Character with an issue…: Charis is transformed with a life longevity issue hanging over her.
2. …takes a journey that challenges them deeply…: Charis is challenged with kidney disease from Lupus, is rejected from adopting a baby, and discouragement
3. ..and concludes with the transformation. Charis finds love adopts a baby through private adoption, and writes great poetry, and finally is accepted for dialysis,.

Who are Your Lead Characters?
Charis and Bill
Change Agent (the one causing the change):Bill is the Change Agent for
Charis
Transformable Character(s) (the one who makes the change):Bill also is
transformed with Charis being the change agent for him.
Betraying Character (if you have one): none
Oppression: a) health b) lack of love c) Unable to have a baby rejected
for adoption d) Death who always visits

A. How Do You Connect With Your Audience in the Beginning of the Movie? A. Relatability – They Are Us!
B. Intrigue: Opening Scene Titles: Camera is close up on hands painting a spool character. We see hands with a small paint brush painting on a tight mustache. The camera pans to show other painted spools including a Mom, a little girl, and a dog. It is clear that this is done with great skill, but we do not see the person who is doing this.
C. Empathy: Charis and her husband Bill are in the social service office in Sunday dress where they are told their application for adoption is rejected.
D. Likability: Charis is generous, kind, and has an ambition.

What is the Gradient of the Change?
There was a big change when diagnosed with life-threatening disease, but
after that it was gradual with each setback encountered.

What steps do the Transformational Characters go through as they are changing? a) decision to devote life to poetry b) near-death hospitalizations and recoverys c) romance and marriage to Bill d) college graduation e) successful poetry writing f) adopts baby h) dialysis

Gradient 1. The Emotional Gradient

   A.  The "Forced Change" Emotional Gradient

                    Forced Change was Charis’ diagnosis of ill health.

          Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

                    She went through all these steps but very rapidly to Acceptance. “I see no reason why it should happen to others and not to me.”  “Yet if this is God’s will then it is mine.”

   B.  The "Desired Change" Emotional Gradient

 Excitement, Doubt, Hope, Discouragement, Courage, Triumph...or Loss.

                    Charis’ emotions cycle over all these descriptors multiple times.

Gradient 2. The Action Gradient

   Setup:   Charis received a Priesthood Blessing indicating she would be a mother.

   Journey: Unable to get married, Unable to have children, Rejected for adoption

   Payoff: An anonymous 16-year-old girl gets pregnant and decides to give up her baby for adoption but     only if Charis could and would accept it.

Gradient 3. The Challenge / Weakness Gradient

Charis desires someone to love, to share her ambitions.

   Challenge: Boy friends don’t remain

   Weakness: Lonely

 Charis desired to be a great writer.   

   Next Challenge: Submissions to publishers rejected.

   Next Weakness: Felt inadequate.

What is the Transformational
Structure of Your Story?
Mini-Movie 1 ­ Status Quo and Call to Adventure

Opening scene shows 10-year-old Charis reading to her younger brother and sister from a folded pillow fashioned as a story book. Her adventure stories captivate them with her creativity and voice inflections. She is a bright child full of promise. As the oldest child she matured early from being like a second mother to her siblings.

Mini-Movie 2 ­ Locked Into Conflict

At age 16 Charis falls ill and is diagnosed with a potential life-shorting disease, which becomes her opposition for many years. Still, she is popular and has many dates. But boys shy away after learning of her illness. She meets Bill, a physics student, who sees her character. Charis is tutored for high school, excellent student, is a graduation speaker and enrolls in honor program in San Jose State. Bill is at BYU and they write each other.

Mini-Movie 3 — Hero Tries to Solve Problem ­ But Fails.

Bill writes and suggests Charis come to a Summer Session at BYU and enroll in a creative writing class. Her parents and Stanford doctors approve, and she goes. The summer session is a romantic dream for these two minds. Long hours studying together: she writes and he takes calculus classes for his physics degree. Long walks and picnics. Summer ends and Charis returns to California. Her doctors find her health has improved and OKs her return to Provo Utah with expensive medications. Bill is hesitant to ask her to marry him as he has no means to support her. At the end of the school year Charis returns to California. Bill also goes there to find a summer job.

Mini-Movie 4 ­ Hero Forms a Plan

Bill finds work picking cherries but pay is low, based on the number of buckets he picks. He does fairly well with his drive and determination but was not able to compete with the Mexican nationals. Later he sought part time jobs from the Labor Office, who sent him to a marketing outfit. He would deliver coupons and collect $2.95 from each address. At the end of each day, he turned in the money to the office, which also had a bank of telephones with girls making calls. At the end of each week Bill received a check, which he deposited in the bank. Near the end of summer, with his hustle, he calculated that he would have enough to ask Charis to marry him. He had a dream prompting him to have faith and propose. They had dated for well over a year. So he proposed and outlined a plan where they would live in the low-cost married student housing and he would get a part time job as a lab assistant in the physics department. She accepted. But the next day he received a letter from the bank that the last 2 checks had bounced. He delivered his coupons the next day after which he went to the office to find it empty. No manager, no girls, just quite phones. Desperate, we went back to the Labor Office. They agreed to look into the company, which they did and found they absconded. But they gave Bill another lead, at a warehouse of an electronics company. This proved to be much higher pay and other benefits.

Mini-Movie 5 ­ Hero Retreats & Antagonist Wins

They marry, Bill graduates with Batchelor’s degree and enrolls in the PhD program. Charis wins the college highest award with her poetry. Bill graduates with PhD and accepts teaching job at the South Dakota School of Mines. They buy a house and apply for adoption. The adoption effort is rejected. Then Charis gets very sick and is hospitalized. The doctor calls Bill and tells him he can do nothing more for her, that she is dying. This news is the emotional peak for Bill. He holds to himself. He decides they must go to a major medical center where she can receive dialysis. Bill resigns and they move to Pittsburgh, PA and establish doctors there.

Mini-Movie 6 ­ Hero’s Bigger, Better Plan!

In Pittsburg Charis is well enough to attend the ballet performance of her younger sister in Swan Lake on Christmas Eve. On the way home roads are slippery and blizzardy. Suddenly Charis develops a nosebleed. It will not stop so they go to an Emergency Room. The doctors give her transfusions and hours to stop the bleeding. The doctor explains to them it is because of her very low platelet count and that she must be admitted as a patient to the hospital. Charis says no. The doctor ignores her and walks out. Bill follows him down the hall and explains that tomorrow is Christmas and Charis has been preparing for that for their young daughter. The doctor replies, “Look young man. Your wife is in kidney failure, her blood pressure if off the charts, and she could have a stroke any minuet, she has to be hospitalized.” Bill replies, “Yes, I know her condition, but this may be her last Christmas.” This causes the doctor to think for a minute. Then he says, “That is for sure.” Then, “OK, but tomorrow afternoon you take her to the Presbyterian Medical center hospital and have her admitted.” Bill agreed. Bill spends the night on the carpet watching over Charis on the sofa in the family room with the Christmas tree. Christmas morning is spent with Paula their daughter. In the Afternoon Bill checks her into the Presbyterian Hospital. In a few days her platelets improve and she is released.

Mini-Movie 7 ­ Crisis & Climax

They drive back to South Dakota to sell their house and visit Bill’s parents at their Wyoming farm. On the drive back to South Dakota with Paula in the back seat, the sun goes down and a huge bright red sky appears. Charis sobs. “What is the matter?” Charis says, “I will never see this again.” Bill says, “Of course you will. You will be set up on dialysis. That has been our plan all along and we are closer to that goal that ever before.” They drive on with only the hum of the car. Then Charis says, “Promise me this one thing.” Bill says, “Sure what is that?” Charis says, “Do not bury me in Pittsburgh.” They drive back to Pittsburgh, where in a month Charis is back in the hospital with kidney failure. They put her on peritoneal dialysis in a critical care unit next to some dying patients. Afterwards they take her back to her room. Charis makes a strong statement to the doctors. “I will never do that again! I would rather die that go through that again. We have been here for 2 months and my health is failing. We came here because of your dialysis capability. Our South Dakota doctor said that this was my only hope of surviving. My husband was only 5 months from achieving tenure, but he gave that up to bring me here.” All this was said with power. The next day when Bill was with her, the head doctor of the dialysis unit came in and announced, “We have the best dialysis unit in the state. And we have several people receiving dialysis while waiting for a kidney transplant. But we never know when kidneys become available. We also have patients who like you are not candidates for a transplant come in 3 times a week while otherwise living normal lives. So, you see there is great demand, so we have to be selective as to who gets approved for dialysis. You were not on that list because of your medical condition. We have to decide who will benefit the most. But, I will not play God. You have been put on the list for dialysis.” A great relief comes over Charis and Bill. The next day at 5 am Charis has the nurse call Bill to have him come in early. He comes and finds her in the dialysis unit all hooked up. Soft music is playing. The both feel they have finally achieved answers to prayers and are filled with hope. But in an hour Charis says she wants to rest and closes her eyes and Bill relaxes and slumbers while sitting at her side. When he awakes, she is not breathing. This sets up a floury of activity with doctors and crash carts. Alternative scenes show this activity and another one showing Charis’ spirit leaving her body being met by a personage that she recognizes and says, “Now I know you, how well you look, How good I feel.”

Mini-Movie 8 ­ New Status Quo

One year later, Bill and Paula visit Charis; grave in Rapid City, South Dakota in a cemetery not far from their former home. Bill, for the first time, breaks down sobbing which frightens Paula. He recovers and hugs her. They comment of the lilacs that someone has placed on her grave.

How are the “Old Ways” Challenged?

What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

The movie is not so much about changing beliefs but more about changing focus. As this is still in the development stage, I could make this about changing beliefs, starting from a standard feminist idea that women are equal or superior but are victims because men rule over them to an almost opposite view: that a happier idea is that a greater role for women is to use their talents to support and uplift her husband. His success and happiness become hers. Together thus bonded they change the world. This would make it a real cause movie—and profound as well. However, the plan now is to make this an additional interpretation and not an explicit cause.

But this movie is primarily about the focus changing from rather mundane ideas to more meaningful and finally more profound. Coupled with perseverance one sees in Charis a Rocky-type victory, which ultimately is a victory over self.

   A.  Challenge through Questioning

This occurs more through Bill’s transformation. To get help for Charis he trusts in Doctors and eventually sees they do not know the answers. His attitude turns to distrust in medicines.

   B.  Challenge by Counterexample

Another of Bills Old Ways came about from his upbringing on a farm. He learned hard work and did not have much use for the arts or novels or classical music. They were a waste of time. But he has fallen in love with a girl who embraced all the arts. She loved to read, attend concerts, and even aspired to become a poet. They went to the movie The Music Man, which they both enjoyed. Afterward, Charis mentioned to him, “Do you know what makes that a profound movie?” “No,” replied. She said, “It was in the scene when he met the librarian on the bridge and he said to her, ‘there’s always got to be a boy’s band.’”

    C.  Challenge by "Should Work, But Doesn't"

At another time they were driving across Wyoming to visit Bill’s parents where he grew up. They were in the middle of Wyoming and Bill apologized for the drab scenery as they passed some bare mountains with no trees or growth. Chairs disagreed and pointed out the variety of colors seen in those mountains. “There are browns and yellows and reds, revealing a tapestry of meaningful art.”

Slowly, Bill became a fan—mostly of Charis—but also of the things that she loved.

A.   Challenge through Living Metaphor

Many of Charis’ poems are metaphors.

1) Seabird This poem symbolizes the many boyfriends Charis had but then flew away when they learned of her health condition.

2) To Hopkin’s Nun This poem is Charis’ response to Gerard Manly Hopkin’s poem describing a Nun entering the convent to be sheltered from the world. Charis’ poem describes a counter attitude of facing the storms of life. This is a metaphor for Charis’ energetic positive attitude toward life.

3) To Death This poem personifies Death who appears in her poetry as coming to take Charis. But she always has an answer for him.

4) The dialysis unit of the hospital is a metaphor for the celestial kingdom. Charis and Bill have worked so long to finally be accepted in dialysis program, the only hope of keeping Charis alive. There is soft music. There is light laughter among both the patients and the nurses. Bill relaxes in a chair beside her bed and breathes a sigh of relief.

How are You Presenting Insights
through Profound Moments?
A. Action delivers insight

Step 1. The Insight I want to deliver is the apprehension that Charis feels about beginning a relationship with Bill. She feels rushed because her time may be limited. Yet she ponders a slow leisurely romance but realizes she may not have time for that.

Step 2. The conflict consists of dialogue between them—the Old Way.

Step 3. The New Way is to have the audience experience her feeling through a poem she recites (V.O.) as Bill sleeps on a blanket on a picnic two weeks after they first meet.

SPRING

Ah, we must agree about moist grass

And sun against my face,

Cool on one side, on the other warm,

And on yours the same.

To pull some grass together in my hand

And sprinkle it over your closed eyes

Seems like a lovely thing to do,

Or, if you’d move a little, I’d mention a butterfly I see.

Tomorrow the sun may be still warmer,

And we’ll discuss the impending days of warm grass

In our hair and down our backs.

Then I’ll brush your eyes with a soft stem

And they’ll open.

B. Conflict delivers insight

Step 1. The Insight I want to deliver is the apprehension that Charis feels because she may die.

Step 2. The conflict is verbal (written) between Charis and Death

Step 3. The New Way is to have the audience experience this through a (VO) poem wherein Charis personifies Death and boldly talks to him:

TO DEATH

Sing to them beyond the stars

That I remember shadows of their smiles

And long to see their light again.

But leave me here another hour

To feel the summer sun

And hear a sparrow in the eves.

If you could come with me to see

Black dirt, made mud with tears

Washed away by rain, clear drops

From children’s faces, old women’s

Hands knotted, folded on their laps in Church,

And spray from crashing breakers in the sea—

You would weep with me, and linger for a while

To feel the soil beneath your feet.

Leave me now, and tell them I will come

When autumn dries the hills

And I have seen the seasons by.

C. Irony delivers insight

Scene with irony 1: Charis is hospitalized in Standford Medical Center, which is a teaching hospital, and 4 intern doctors do routine rounds. Doctors come into the room, read the notes and charts on the clipboard at the foot of her bed, take temperature and blood pressure, and ask her questions about how she is feeling. None are familiar with her condition, Systemic lupus erythematosus, so she is seen explaining it to them. This is ironic because the young patient is teaching the doctors. They are astonished at her learning.

What are the Most Profound Lines of
the Movie?
Pattern A: Height of the Emotion

Height of Anxiety: Charis declaring she will not undergo peritoneal dialysis, “I will rather die than go through that again.”

Height of Joy: Charis finally on dialysis, but dies and sees her deceased grandmother greeting her, recognizing her as the spirit Charis thought was Death. “Ah yes I know you now. How well you look. How good I feel.”

Pattern B: Build Meaning Over Multiple Scenes

This final scene has two Emotional highs, in the Dialysis Unit upstairs where her hospital room opens out on one side to a large room of patients on dialysis some in street cloths chatting and with soft music playing. At this stage after all Charis has been through, this represents a heavenly sphere. Then the fearful tragic scene of resuscitation is shown, which is then followed by a true heavenly scene where deceased relatives come to greet Charis into the Spirit World.

How Do You Leave Us With A Profound
Ending?
A. Deliver The Profound Truth Profoundly

The above final scene presents the following Profound truths: There is an afterlife. Dedication to others is most rewarding. Families are reunited in death.

B. Lead Characters Ending Represents The Change

Charis’s ending is triumphant whereas Bills Ending is left uncertain and sad. He will be a lone man faced with raising a 3 year old daughter. Strong emotions each way.

C. Payoff Key Setups

The recited poems Charis writes after marriage while perfecting her writing skills often allude to Death coming for her. These are all setups for the final scene.

D. Surprising, But Inevitable

After all the comebacks Charis makes with Bill’s encouragement the audience is filled with hope that she will recover or at least be stabilized. So, the ending is a surprise, but inevitable.

E. Leave Us with a Profound Parting Image/Line

“Ah yes I know you now. How well you look. How good I feel.”

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Height of the Emotion

What I learned from this lesson is: Although I have written a script, this is the first attempt to form an outline. I see the story as a series of emotional scenes. This outline helps me to correlate the scenes which will add deeper meaning to the movie.

Step one: Emotional Moments

a. Learning diagnosis of crippling disease

b. Fluid overload—hospitalized

c. Boy friend rejection

d. Evening walk (romantic)

e. Fall term return!

f. Proposal & Marriage

g. Adoption rejection

h. Adopting Paula

i. Call from Dr.

j. Swan Lake ride home

k. ER Doctor

l. Platetts improve

m. Red Sky scene

n. Peritoneal dialysis

o. Dialysis acceptance

p. Spirit World scene

Step 2. Emotional moment (a). Charis receives the test results and learns she has a crippling disease which possibility means life in a wheelchair. When alone she writes in her journal:

(V.O) “Well here I am, dear book, more depressed I guess than I have ever been.

The doctor was here today and I guess he sort of upset me, and not without cause. He seems to think that I have rheumatoid arthritis. I know that regardless of what the Doctor thinks I have, it won’t make any difference.

But the awful fact is that my elbows are already stiff so that I can’t straighten them all the way out.

I was very brave when he told me and I decided at once to forget my own life and become a nuclear physicist or something and devote my life to my country and my science. At least my brain won’t be crippled.

Now I’m not so brave.

I’m speaking very bitterly but I guess I have to get it off my chest.

I see no reason why it should happen to others and not to me.”

Emotional moment (c ): Boy friend has not asked her to go to the dance after she explained her health situation. Again, she writes in her journal: (V.O.) “Down in my heart, longing and loneliness gnaw at me. Sometimes a wave of sorrow sweeps over me as though it would pull me into the undertow of hell. Somehow, I find something to hang on to until the wave passes on. I’m not sure why I am lonely.

… Somewhere, just beyond tomorrow, lies a field of serene and tranquil happiness. Somewhere, just over the horizon, it lies welcoming all who have made the journey, but narrow is the path and steep, and few there be that find it. Oh, please, God, let me find it, and let me climb the path.”

Emotional moment (e): At the end of the romantic summer school session, Charis returns to her home in California and receives a positive report on her health. The doctor declared her summer away has rejuvenated her and encouraged her to go back to BYU. Her train arrives late at night, Bill sees her dimly as she exits the train car. He runs to her and lifts her in a tight embrace. She whispers, “I’m back.” Beat. “where I belong.” This scene has only that brief dialogue. But it is highly emotional as they feared the doctor would not recommend her return to a place of cold winters. I have added this Dialogue. I will do well to insert corresponding Dialogue to all the Emotional moments mentioned above.

Bill Southwell Builds Meaning with Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is that profound dialogue lines can be expanded into scenes that set up the line. I have illustrated this with the following example.

Selection line 1: CHARIS, “Are you saying it takes faith to believe in science?

ARC: previous dialogue between Charis and Bill, who is a physicist, includes a discussion of the origin of man. It is brought out that science has theories that are accepted as fact. As the discussion continues Bill promotes the idea that Science is based on theories that sometimes cannot be proven—yet are readily accepted. Also, Science theories are often supplanted when new information is presented. Modern physics is so mindboggling that it is hard to believe, much less proved—things like Quantum physics, Uncertainty Principle, Dark Matter, Dark Energy, photon entanglement. Charis finally summarizes with the statement “Are you saying it takes faith to believe in science?”

Scene 1. Charis, as a poet, feels science if too cut and dried, no feeling. So the dialogue between Charis and Bill begins with his defending his interest in science—that it is beautiful.

Scene 2. In another scene the topic of discussion includes: Charis states that poetry is more emotional and can include deep religious feelings and that there is a conflict between science and religion. Bill counters with, “There can be no conflict between science and religion because God is the author of both.”

Scene 3. This is the final scene on this discussion described above, wherein Charis says, “Are you saying that it takes faith to believe in science?”

[Bill]

Bill Southwell Delivers Irony!

What I learned doing this assignment is that Scenes with irony are powerful for attention or entertainment, but they are not as easy to construct as the instructor implies.

Scene with irony 1: Charis is hospitalized in Standford Medical Center, which is a teaching hospital, and 4 intern doctors do routine rounds. Doctors come into the room, read the notes and charts on the clipboard at the foot of her bed, take temperature and blood pressure, and ask her questions about how she is feeling. None are familiar with her condition, Systemic lupus erythematosus, so she is seen explaining it to them. This is ironic because the young patient is teaching the doctors. They are astonished at her learning.

Scene with irony 2: Charis and Bill are studying in a basement room in the library. Charis is writing a poem and Bill, a physicist, questions her about the process of writing a poem. She explains that it is finding the right word, one that paints a picture and also has emotion. Bill ponders that and remarks, “in a way this is like ‘paint by numbers’. Yes, she says, except that instead of numbers the list are words from a dictionary. Bill says, “I see. So the words you select must convey the facts and feelings you want as you stand back and consider all the words.” Charis says, “Yes, that is a way of looking at it.” Bill says, “Wow, this is great insight. This is a scheme for generating art. I could create the Mona Lisa just by selecting the right color and brightness of each pixel.” This is ironic because Bill, whose background is a Wyoming farm, is expounding a creative theory for art, be it painting or poetry.

Scene with irony 3: Charis is in the dialysis unit of the hospital, Bill at the side of her bed slumbering. He realizes she is not breathing. Crash carts, panic, doctors rushing around and Bill is ushered out while they attempt to resuscitate her. Meanwhile her 2-year-old daughter is playing with her painted spool family. These two scenes alternate. One has shrill music the other quite humming and the child spool is positioned near the mother and father spool, along with the dog spool. This continues and the doctors in the hospital scene are not having success. The daughter scene concludes with her inadvertently knocking over the mommy spool.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Delivers Insights Through Conflict.

What I learned doing this assignment is that it is possible to explore new ways to express the New Ways. I am considering the use of Poetry to express imaginary because it also has emotional content.

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1. Scene A.

Step 1. The Insight I want to deliver is the apprehension that Charis feels about beginning a relationship with Bill. She feels rushed because her time may be limited. Yet she ponders a slow leisurely romance.

Step 2. The conflict consists of dialogue between them—the Old Way.

Step 3. The New Way is to have the audience experience her feeling through a poem she recites (V.O.) as Bill sleeps on a blanket on a picnic two weeks after they first meet.

SPRING

Ah, we must agree about moist grass

And sun against my face,

Cool on one side, on the other warm,

And on yours the same.

To pull some grass together in my hand

And sprinkle it over your closed eyes

Seems like a lovely thing to do,

Or, if you’d move a little, I’d mention a butterfly I see.

Tomorrow the sun may be still warmer,

And we’ll discuss the impending days of warm grass

In our hair and down our backs.

Then I’ll brush your eyes with a soft stem

And they’ll open.

Scene
B.

Step 1. The insight I want to deliver is Charis’s thoughts as she endures sleepless nights. Sometimes she feels someone she knew is trying to communicate with her.

Step 2. The oppressor here is her medical condition or the medications that cause the sleepless nights. Or, maybe just the uncertainty of not knowing who is trying to contact her.

Step 3. The New Way is to have the audience experience her feelings by Charis reciting her poem:

DUST

A white shadow moves down the old stairs and waits—

So quietly I barely feel it there unless I move too close

And am drawn to remember some faint shade of a familiar face.

What are years to you? Ah, you understand and share my tears.

You must have known the warmth of other hands and the warmth of lips,

And the sun spinning a spring morning damp and waiting—

Yes. You see I cannot come, I have my cleaning,

And some last things to find—before.

Our childhood tears have wandered still

Before our years and waited till

We meet them now in other fears.

The shadow there upon the mirror—

I’ve moved the certain where it hid the sun

But the shadow stays and I see no one

Behind or before, or my own face.

Ah, wait till I remember where I knew you—

And I can dare to go to sleep.

Scene
C.

Step 1. The insight I want to deliver is artistic sensitivity Charis sees when driving with Bill over the high plains of Wyoming.

Step 2. The Old Ways here is to breeze by and not see or hear or feel the beauty around them.

Step 3. The New Way is to convey these insights through the V. O. poem:

IN MY DREAMS

In my dreams I run until I am out there

In the middle of everywhere, Wyoming,

Where a hundred thousand voices sing the silence,

And clouds as big as giants expand their chests and roar!

Where there is a stillness in between

For the quiet things that sing in the smaller amplitudes

And play on the fragile strings,

Where only flowing water passes never hours

And the undulance and coolness of the stream

Shares the lovely solitude of dreams.

It is a myth the quiet place.

I waken from the illusion of the schedule

Into the shelter of the willow,

The soothing moving of the water,

And the warm enclosing arms of sun.

(while Charis recites this V.O., the movie shows the items being described. Also, the audio plays the sounds described, from the thunder to the faint closeup insects buzzing on fragile strings and the undulance of flowing stream.)

Scene D.

Step 1. The Insight I want to deliver is the apprehension that Charis feels because she may die.

Step 2. The conflict is verbal between Charis and Death

Step 3. The New Way is to have the audience experience this through a poem wherein Charis personifies Death and boldly talks to him:

TO DEATH

Sing to them beyond the stars

That I remember shadows of their smiles

And long to see their light again.

But leave me here another hour

To feel the summer sun

And hear a sparrow in the eves.

If you could come with me to see

Black dirt, made mud with tears

Washed away by rain, clear drops

From children’s faces, old women’s

Hands knotted, folded on their laps in Church,

And spray from crashing breakers in the sea—

You would weep with me, and linger for a while

To feel the soil beneath your feet.

Leave me now, and tell them I will come

When autumn dries the hills

And I have seen the seasons by.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Turns Insight Into Action.

What I learned doing this assignment is that there are many New Ways conveyed with Actions are more effective than with dialogue or description.

a. When Charis is brought home after a date who appears to be dumping her, again because of her health prospects, she goes to her room and writes in her Journal. We see what she writes (or hears her V.O). “How long must I be alone? When will I meet the one who is to be sent to me? That we may pursue our destinies together?” This is instead of crying and unloading to her sister or mother her disappointments. It is seen in Action rather than dialogue.

b. When Charis (and Bill) is presented the rejection of their adoption application, instead of the dialogue between them as to the why, just show Charis’s face as it expresses her sadness and disappointment. Then, somehow, also with Action, not dialogue, show her determination to fight back, to overcome, to have faith that other paths will open up.

c. The shear happiness when Charis’s blood work (platelet count) comes back favorable, instead of dialog, the scene has uplifting music, showing them on the road to visit Bill’s parents on the farm—a place of peace and happiness.

d. The scene when the small vein surgeon is trying to locate a vein prior to dialysis is all done in silence—no dialogue, no music. Just the action, showing the frustration of the surgeon. He finally is successful with an arm. The scene ends with Bill back in her room. She has a wire frame holding the blankets off of her chopped up legs.

e. The final scene when Charis is on dialysis, is done without dialogue. Two scenes are alternating: one that Bill sees, the scene of hope, finally getting on dialysis, with classical music which then the scene switches to desperation, with doctors and crash carts. The other alternating scene is with Charis’s spirit rising from her body and seeing the form who comes to greet her. The only dialogue is her saying, “Ah yes I know you now. How well you look. How good I feel.”

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Seabiscuit Analysis

What I learned doing this assignment is how profound moments are results of setups.

1. After buying the big ranch, the horses are removed from the barn and cars are brought in. This is a set up for later payoff in the movie when the same barn was seen with the cars coming out and horses brought in.

2. Red’s mom and dad sent him to live with others during the depression. Big sacrifice for mom and dad. He was only given a bag of uplifting books and the admonition that he has a gift. The oppression was the depression.

3. Tom Smith a man down on his luck, but with a gift of healing horses, said, “you don’t throw a whole horse away just because he is banged up a little.” This was a set up for a later payoff when Red was injured.

4. Tom sees Seabiscuit fighting not to be roped and Sees Red fighting. He identifies fight in both of them, essential for winning. This scene has no dialogue. It is shown as action only.

5. The training trick was to start fast, then slow down in the final stretch to let Seabiscuit see the horse coming up. This inspires Seabiscuit to beat that horse. This setup was used later in the movie as a payoff when George, the other jockey, slowed down his mount in the final race so that Seabiscuit could see him as be inspired to run fast and win. This was at a point when Red was riding with a injured leg was last place in the race. This was the most profound moment in the movie. All characters were coming back, Red, Seabiscuit, Tom Smith, Charles Howard from injury or despair.

6. Most profound dialogue: “So long Charlie,” (I think it should have been George) and they went on to win the final race. It sent chills down my neck.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Living Metaphors

What I learned doing this assignment is that my script must be re-written to incorporate challenges to the “Old Ways”. Or, maybe, redefine the “Old Ways”. Currently there is a profound journey for the lead character, but the oppression is not her old ways, but her struggles with looming death. Her husband, the change agent, does have “Old Ways” which are challenged. I will create some Should Work but Doesn’t challenges and some Living Metaphors .

1. Should Work but Doesn’t. Bill’s background is practical but his association with Charis both before and after they marry opens a new world to him. He learns to appreciate the beauty of nature, the inspiration of classical music, and especially the power of literature. His Old Ways are challenged in the following ways.

a. At a picnic while lying on the grass looking up, Charis points out dogs in the white clouds. Do you see that, she says. No, he says, I see water droplets and ice crystals that scatter all colors of sunlight making them white. But with her prompting he does see the shapes she sees

b. When they are driving across Wyoming he apologizes for the dullness of the scenery—nothing but grey and brown. But Charis points to him that there are also shades of red and yellow. Looking more intently, he does see the variety of colors.

c. As they drive out to the Wyoming farm, Charis says “Look at those sunflowers, I would love to paint them.” But Bill says, “Those are wild sunflowers, weeds. They do not produce sunflower seeds you can eat. The cattle don’t eat them. We just cut them down.” Charis responds by saying, “But see what a bright yellow the pedals are. They are saying what a wonderful day it is.” His old ways of seeing them did not work this time. They, indeed, did invoke an uplifting feeling.

d. After seeing the movie The Music Man, Bill comments that he considers the Music Man to be a despised con artist. But Charis said there is more beneath the surface with the Music Man, as evidenced by the scene at the bridge where he says to Marian (the librarian) that there always has to be a boy’s band. Bill contemplates her remark and begins to envision more about the Music Man’s background.

2. 5 Living Metaphor challenges. Many of Charis’ poems are metaphors.

a. Seabird This poem symbolizes the many boyfriends Charis had but then flew away when they learned of her health condition.

b. To Hopkin’s Nun This poem is Charis’ response to Gerard Manly Hopkin’s poem describing a Nun entering the convent to be sheltered from the world. Charis’ poem describes a counter attitude of facing the storms of life. This is a metaphor for Charis’ energetic positive attitude toward life.

c. To Death This poem personifies Death who appears in her poetry as coming to take Charis. But she almost always has an answer for him.

d. The dialysis unit of the hospital is a metaphor for the celestial kingdom. Charis and Bill have worked so long to finally be accepted in dialysis program, the only hope of keeping Charis alive. There is soft music. There is light laughter among both the patients and the nurses. Bill relaxes in a chair beside her bed and breaths a sigh of relief. But tragically this changes for Bill into a horrific scene. Hospital medics rush in with crash carts. Doctors are summoned and they hussle in and out. They close the folding doors that opened into the dialysis room. Bill is asked to leave. He refuses, but is ushered out. But the scene for Charis remains calm and peaceful as a cherished departed grandmother comes to greet Charis. Charis is heard to say (VO). “Oh I know you now. How good you look. How good I feel.”

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Counterexamples

What I learned doing this assignment is Counterexamples are a new technique for writing. It is a way to effect a profound change.

The following are outlines. The scenes have not yet been written.

Bill and Charis have been dating for over a year. He was an undergraduate earning just enough to pay for school. She is supported by her parents. His strong belief system does not allow debt. He must be capable of financially supporting a wife and in their case without Charis having to work because of her health. This is his conflict. He wants to take care of her but does not see how its possible until he graduates a couple of years down the road. But the church which they both embrace teaches to have faith: Do the right thing and the Lord will bless them. But Bill’s Old Ways forced him to be strictly practical and honorable. This has been going on way too long.

Counter Example 1.

One night Bill has a dream. He and his buddy friend are walking downtown and pass a jewelry store. His friends asks, “Bill when are you going to ask Charis to marry you?” They then go into the store and Bill asks the clerk to show him wedding ring sets. After looking at them Bill asks the clerk, “Do you have one that expands so that if it doesn’t fit that it will still work?” Although confused by these details, he drops out of school and gets a job. (This dream inspired Bill to hasten his proposal and rely on faith.)

Counter Example 2.

Bill has been working for 6 weeks delivering coupons to homes who have been contacted from a room full of telephone callers. Those who accept will receive a coupon for an 8 by 10 photo at the studio whose address is on the coupon. They pay $2.95 to the boy who delivers it to their home. Also on the coupon is a seal which they can remove to see which one of 4 other gifts they will win, which includes a trip to Hawaii, a new car, a TV set, and a cultured pearl necklace. These will be awarded when they go the photo studio to have their picture taken. Bill worked long and hard and turned in the money each week. He was paid a check amounting to 50 cents for each coupon he delivered. He deposited these checks in his savings account. Confident that he would have enough in 3 months to quit and go back to school, he asks Charis to marry him. The next day he receives a letter from the bank. The checks have been returned for lack of funds. First, he Denies that they are bad and goes to the office only to find it abandoned. No room of girls making phone calls, no manager who had been paying him. Then Anger sets in. He does not know how to contact them, or what to do with the current week’s collections. He remembers his values and seeks counsel from the Lord, bargaining to find a way out of his dilemma. Then someone suggest he report his circumstances to the Labor Relations Board, which he did. They told him the owners would be found and prosecuted. Bill was advised to give the board the current week’s findings till they are brought to justice. At this point, Depression sets in. Each day he visits the Labor Relations Board office for any news. There was nothing. But one day the lady at the office told Bill that they receive listings of job openings—legitimate ones. They suggested he apply for one. It was at a warehouse of a major electronic company. He applied, was hired with far greater pay, and worked for 6 weeks, earning enough just in time to get married.

Counter Example 3.

Another of Bills Old Ways came about from his upbringing on a farm. He learned hard work and did not have much use for the arts or novels or classical music. They were a waste of time. But he has fallen in love with a girl who embraced all the arts. She loved to read, attend concerts, and even aspired to become a poet. They went to the movie The Music Man, which they both enjoyed. Afterward, Charis mentioned to him, “Do you know what makes that a profound movie?” “No,” replied. She said, “It was in the scene when he met the librarian on the bridge and he said to her, “there’s always got to be a boy’s band.’”

Counter Example 4.

At another time Charis and Bill were on a picnic and she quoted to him a poem she had written that expressed her devotion to God and her devotion to man she will someday marry. Bill began to understand the emotions of poetry and learned to appreciate it.

Counter Example 5.

At another time they were driving across Wyoming to visit Bill’s parents where he grew up. They were in the middle of Wyoming and Bill apologized for the drab scenery as they passed some bare mountains with no trees or growth. Chairs disagreed and pointed out the variety of colors seen in those mountains. “There are browns and yellows and reds, revealing a tapestry of meaningful art.”

Slowly, Bill became a fan—mostly of Charis—but also of the things that she loved.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Old Ways Challenge Chart. Day 9 Part 2.

What I learned doing this assignment is that the story gains in audience appeal as scenes are structures with progressing from Old Ways, challenging them, and obtaining New Ways.

A. Charis is a bright girl enchanted with her ability to manipulate others, mainly boys, and hopes to someday achieve greatness in a man’s world. She hung out with a group of young sailors stationed near her home and once convinced one boy to have his car painted pink. But these attitudes changed when she was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease. From this time forward she developed humility and empathy for others. With this change of attitude, she began a transformational journey which included being blessed with improved skill in writing poetry.

B. Bill is introduced to her near the beginning of this transformation. He sincerely loves her and feels her new-found empathy for others. He encourages her to pursue her writing, getting her to go to college and take creative writing classes. He is the change agent or at least her cheer leader in her advancement. But he, likewise, begins with the hope of getting a degree to get a job and support himself and family. This is an Old Way of thinking for him (which is quite common—and not a bad thing.) But Charis sees in his a brilliance as a physicist and encourages his to work for his PhD to enable him to be creative in his field. So she is the change agent for him. He obtains his PhD as she develops into an accomplished poet. But they face the challenge of her medical condition. The love grows as they go through these challenges.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s 12 Angry Men Analysis.

What I learned doing this assignment is the necessity of showing the old ways before they are challenged.

A. Old ways: Old man downstairs heard “I’m going to kill you” Challenge: Could not hear over noise of El train. And, common expression—doesn’t really mean it.

B. Old ways: Old man say the boy running down the stairs. Challenge: He was old and dragged his foot—demo’d that it would take 41 sec not 15 as claimed

C. Old ways: Woman across the street saw the killing. Challenge: She could have only seen it in 2 seconds, the last 2 cars of the train. In court she rubbed her nose indicating she wore glasses, but people do not wear glasses to bed.

D. Old Ways: The knife was unique and was sold to the boy. Challenge: Jurur 8 presented an identical knife bought in the same neighborhood. The wound was downward stabbing. But a switch blade knife would have been an upward stabbing.

E. Old Ways: Prejudice. “The boy’s no good. His kind is dangerous, wild.” Challenge: He was abused by his father all his life. All that was required by the jury is to say there was reasonable doubt. This juror was biased because of his own son who disappointed him. This revealed subtext.

My observation is that the Old Ways were mostly all challenged with scientific-like reasoning. The demonstrates that biases were broken by rational reasoning. This is an important insight. The last juror was challenged by the silent response of the other jurors, who finally realized he was biased based on his feelings about how own son.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Profound Ending

What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of knowing the end from the beginning, that a profound truth must be present for a movie to be profound, and that the ending must contain payoffs.

1. The Profound Truth is that deep love between a husband and wife can be so great that it can extend beyond death. That we can be inspired by departed loved ones to achieve greatness in this life. And that dedication to great causes outside of one’s self brings the greatest personal achievement.

2. Charis, the lead character, finally receives kidney dialysis after years of struggling, hopeful now for a productive life as a poet. But it is not to be, as she passes away peacefully while on dialysis. The scene turns bright white as she leaves her body and she sees someone she recognizes who has come to greet her. CHARIS (VO) “Come now. Ah yes I know you now. How well you look. How good I feel.”

3. The payoffs of this final scene include many of her poems she presents in previous scenes that personify death who is there to take her before her time. But she always replies by asking for more time to finish her work. In a poem written for her grandfather’s funeral she says,

“Death, you have often sparred with me

And I have won. But now I know

You win your battles by degree,

Not one swift blow.

But coin by coin you take our loves

And have your toll.”

Another poem,

To Death

“Leave me here another hour

To feel the summer sun

And hear a sparrow in the eves.

…

Leave me now, and tell them I will come

When autumn dries the hills

And I have seen the seasons by.”

4. The script is designed for the audience to have hope that Charis will achieve her destiny to become a great poet after many setbacks. This is promoted by her ever optimistic husband Bill. In her journey she is seen progressing in her writing and in personal courage. So, it is a surprise and a tragedy that she dies.

5. The final scene shows her husband going through her notes and papers and discovers hundreds of poems and other works. This is a reveal that during these years of struggling with health issues, she did achieve her destiny. Among them is a poem written to him.

To Bill

All philosophies and equations

Nearly elude my reason,

But none of these are baffling

Or bring delight of wonder

Like some simple gesture of your hand

That says, in spite of me, your care.

If this day I die

I have no recourse to complaint.

I’ve had your love.

If under stern command

I still could not explain

Why, while I wither

I’m lovely in your eye.

Whatever miracle it is

It extends beyond philosophies

And transcends flowers.

God grant it never end

I love you so.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Connection with the Audience

What I learned from doing this assignment is that it is important to understand what the audience is feeling about the characters. And that the writer can control that.

I am going to have Charis, the transformational character, DELIBERATELY create a connection with the audience

A. Relatability: Logline: After a school dance Charis is with friends driving around. The driver gets rambunctious and makes some sharp turns and enters the 101 Freeway, on the San Francisco peninsula, sometimes called the “bloody Bayshore freeway” because of the many accidents there. The boys in the car urge him on as he changes lanes suddenly.

CHARIS

(Loudly) STOP THIS CAR!

Everyone is shocked and there is silence. No one knows what to do or say. The driver takes his foot off the pedal but realizes he cannot stop the car on the freeway.

CHARIS (cont.)

My life may be short as it is, BUT I WILL NOT DIE IN A CAR ACCIDENT!

The driver is now in safe driving mode and looks for an exit.

B. Intrigue: Opening Scene Titles: Camera is close up on hands painting a spool character. We see a small paint brush painting on a tight mustache. The camera pans to show other painted spools including a Mom, a little girl, and a dog. It is clear that this is done with great skill, but we do not see the person who is doing this.

C. Empathy: Logline: Charis and her husband Bill are in the social service office in Sunday dress.

SOCIAL SERVICES LADY

Thank you for coming in. We have reviewed your application for adoption, and I wanted to relate to you directly our decision.

Charis and Bill are on the edge of their chairs, eager to hear the results.

SOCIAL SERVICES LADY

Your application is quite impressive. Both of you with college degrees. And Bill, I see you are well employed as an Assistant Professor—which we consider to be very secure.

CHARIS

Yes, we have been blessed. The only thing we lack is a baby but my doctor has advised that I not get pregnant.

SOCIAL SERVICES LADY

Well, yes. About that. After careful review—and this was a difficult decision—the board has declined your application for adoption.

BILL

(quickly) Why?

SOCIAL SERVICES LADY

I am not allowed to discuss the reasons for this decision. But you realize we do not have many babies up for adoption and we have a long list of parents wanting to adopt. I am truly sorry.

Charis and Bill are back in the parking lot in their car. Charis is sobbing.

D. Likability: At Charis and Bill’s home in Rapid City South Dakota two older American Indian ladies come to their door. Charis answers the door. They are asking for food. Charis invites them in and asks them to sit while she gathers things for them. She goes to her supply pantry and puts some jars of canned peaches and some dry beans in some grocery bags. The ladies were appreciative and went on their way.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Transformational Structure

What I have learned doing this lesson is that the mini movie method is an easy way to outline the script. This is a powerful lesson for me.

Transformational Logline: Charis is just finishing high school enjoying popularity through her dancing and artistic skills and her ability to manipulate classmates. But then she falls sick. With several hospitalizations her future does not look good. She gradually changes her outlook. With her determination to achieve her goals she advances over her disease only to be followed by more serious setbacks. Finally, she becomes a new kinder loving person and her poetry writing skills improve.

The Transformation Chacter is Charis who is transformed by a forced change.

MM #1 – Pages 1 – 15 – Charis, a high school girl in Pittsburgh, excels in school and in social settings with her uncanny ability to maneuver people is diagnosed with a crippling disease. She vows to overcome her condition and become a skilled poet.

Turning Point: Call to Adventure.

MM #2 – Pages 15 – 30 – Charis feels her life is destined for greatness, which is frustrated by her health condition holding her back. Gradually she accepts her affliction but refuses to relinquish her dreams.

Turning Point: Locked in.

MM #3 – Pages 30 – 45 – Charis makes the decision to follow the doctor’s orders to a tee. She takes all her meds on time and gets the exercise and sleep needed to help her recovery. She doesn’t like the dietary restrictions but she sticks with it. But all this is of no avail. Her condition continues to worsen.

Turning Point: Standard ways fail.

MM #4 – Pages 45 — 60 – Charis’ family move to Arizona hoping the sun will help with her healing. It works for a while but then flair ups return.

Turning Point: Plan backfires.

MM #5 – Pages 60 — 75 – In her new environment Charis becomes lonely and eagerly waits each day for a letter from a boyfriend which seldom comes. She longs for someone to share her dream. Now she is home schooled and isolated. She plunges herself in reading English Literature, soaking in the great writers and poets. In periods of remission Charis is able to go to dances. Her popularity returns filling her with renewed hope. Several boys are vying for her affection.

Turning Point: The decision to change.

MM #6
– Pages 75 – 90 – Charis’ sickness returns with a vengeance. She is put on sulfur drugs and high doses of cortisone causing a puffy face. She is hospitalized to remove fluid from her lungs. One by one her boyfriends back away upon learning of her condition. The family decided to move again, this time to Palo Alto California to be near the Standford Medical Center. Charis’ mother Afton aggressively searches for a doctor who can help.

Turning Point: The ultimate failure.

MM #7 – Pages 90 – 105 – Charis meets Dr. Snell, who immediately changes her medication. This is seen to work. He literally saved her life. She gains new hope. She is writing to Bill, who is seriously showing interest in her. But Charis wonders how her dreams of being a wife and mother could ever occur.

Turning Point: Apparent victory.

MM #8 – Pages 105 – 120 – With the guidance of Dr. Snell, her condition improves, and she makes plans to attend college. Bill suggests she come to summer school at his university in Utah to take creative writing classes. Charis has developed a sense of gratitude to God and shows empathy to all, especially the sick and lonely. But now she is faced with a decision: Should she leave her Standford environment where she is close to intellectual opportunities AND close to her doctors? She is intrigued by the thought of getting to know Bill.

Turning Point: New
status quo.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Three Gradients

What I learned from this assignment is that the transforming character must respond emotionally to circumstances thrust upon them.

“Forced Change” Emotional Gradient

Charis learns the doctor’s diagnosis: rheumatoid arthritis.

A. Emotion: “Here I am more depressed I guess than I have ever been.” DEPRESSION . “The doctor seems to think that I have rheumatoid arthritis.” DENIAL “I know that regardless of what the doctor thinks I have won’t make any difference.

B. Action: “But the awful truth is that my elbows are already stiff so I can’t straighten them out all the way.” ACCEPTANCE “I was very brave when he told me and I decided at once to forget my own life and become a nuclear physicist or something and devote my life to my country and my science. At least my brain won’t be crippled.

C. Challenge/Weakness: “Now I am not so brave.” DOUBTS “Once I saw a picture of a girl with rheumatoid arthritis on the front page of a newspaper. She was in a wheelchair and she was getting married. It was that unusual.”

A. Emotion: “I am speaking very bitterly but I guess I have to get it off my chest.” ANGER

B. Action: “I see no reason why it should happen to others and not to me but it’s hard to resign yourself to the fact that you have a crippling disease for which there is not only no cure but no help at all.” ACCEPTANCE

C. Challenge/Weakness: “I just listened to a revival on the radio. I just tuned to it accidentally. As much as such things are frowned on by the church I guess I needed that message more than anyone. It was about healing and not to seek God’s healing for your own purpose but for his work. It talked about repentance. I guess I kind of needed that. I don’t know whether the devil or the Lord is sponsoring such things but if it was the devil I guess he must made a mistake because it’s done me some good.” HOPE

A. Emotion: “My rheumatism has been worse but is better today except for my wrist which makes writing difficult. I hope to be back in school by thanksgiving. HOPE

B. Action: “Oh I must have faith. It has been so hard lately and yet I guess I’ve learned more than ever before.” DETERMINATION

C. Challenge/Weakness: “God will give me healing. I know it and yet I keep doubting. Oh if I could just keep faith I would be so happy.” DOUBT

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s analysis of Dead Poets Society

The movie is about changing, thinking for one’s self, creativity, honesty, and responsibility. It is
about taking charge of your own life.
Lead characters:

The English teacher Mr. Keating is
the change agent. He is the right character because he went through the
same process.
The students who form the Dead
Poets Society are the Transformable Characters. They are the right
characters for change as they are young and in a learning environment.
The school principal and
traditional teachings are the Oppressors.

We are lured into the journey by
the reading of the To the Virgins to make Much of Time poem. We connect because
we all have feelings of not emphasizing important things in life. Thus, we
take the journey with the boys.
Todd Anderson, Neil Perry, and
Charlie Dalton are perhaps changed the most. The profound journey is
reflected in their actions, their organization of the Dead Poets Society,
and their poetical creativity. The old ways were rote teaching, reciting,
and analyzing from old poetry books—generally from boring teachers. These
old ways were challenged by Mr. Keating and the Students who now could see
meaning in all things in life. At the conclusion, they all stood up for
Mr. Keating, showing honor.
The change did not happen all at
once. They gradually saw what Mr. Keating was teaching them. Todd was slow
to change. The changes they went through began by challenging the old ways,
then the class responded by doing the exercises of Mr. Keating, and finally
by showing courage by standing for Mr. Keating.
The old ways were challenged by
tearing out pages of the poetry analysis book, not accepting poems that did
not promote individualism. Neil Perry changed his life’s objectives by
trying out for a play, a major shift in the presence of his father’s objections.
A profound moment occurs when Neil
Parry says he is trapped, caught between his real desire to be an actor
and his domineering father. He was faced with a decision in which there
was not good action. Another profound moment occurs when Todd Anderson
Stands on the desk in defiance of the Principal and in support of Mr.
Keating.
Seize the Day is the most profound
line in the movie, one that is often quoted.
The ending scene when the Principal
teaches in place of Mr. Keating and asks the class to read from the pages
that were torn out. This was the most effective setup and payoff. Standing
on the desks was another setup and payoff. Another one was the Oh Captain,
My Captain line.
The profound truth of the movie
Dead Poets Society is that life is short and must be spent in meaningful
pursuits.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Lead Characters.

What I learned doing this assignment is that there is a role of an Opposing Character to round out this model of a profound movie. It adds contrast and conflict.

1. Transformational journey logline: Charis begins full of ambition to become a renowned poet and achieve accolades for advancing feminist causes. She is stricken with a life-threateneing disease and reevaluates her goals. She discovers her greatest achievements come from dedicating her talents to advance the lives of others.

2. Her change agent is Bill who sees her talent as well as her love. He has no guile but is lacking in confidence.

3. Both Charis and Bill are transformable characters. As they fall in love she sees his potential and helps him achieve it, while his love for her transforms her into a empathetic and kind person.

4. The Oppression in this story is her sickness. Her health cycles through setbacks followed by remissions. Each such cycle begins with a worsening prognosis, which adds all the more hope in the following comebacks. Even so, the Oppression is ever-present as revealed in her poetry as personified death.

5. The Betraying Character is ironically her mother Afton. She saves Charis’ life by finding the right doctor who can treat her condition. Yet is always holding Charis’ dreams back: he opposes her dating, going to college, getting married, and attempting to have a baby. Afton’s concern is for her health, of course, but Charis’ character shines through as she pushes through her mother’s objections.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell’s Transformational Journey

What I learned from this assignment is that a profound movie must contain a transformational journey. Old ways are to be clearly defined, a gradual change takes place, and a profound message emerges.

1. Logline: Charis is ambitious—desires to be a poet, but believes women are oppressed. She prides herself with the ability to control boy friends. She comes down with a serious disease and rethinks her life and goals. Finally, becomes devoted to one who marries her in spite of her illness.

2. Old ways: She thinks she is happy in being in control and furthermore championing the feminist causes.

3. New ways: She achieves humility and empathy and learns happiness by truly loving her husband. Her writing skills improve.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell First Three Decisions What I learned doing this assignment is that it is useful to begin with the end in mind. Identify objectives and then build on them.

What is your profound truth?

A woman’s dedication to her husband’s success and happiness brings out her greatest feminine empowerment.

What
is the change your movie will cause with an audience?

Ceasing contention. Being supportive.

What
is your Entertainment Vehicle that you will tell this story through?

Embellished true story.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell: Groundhog Day analysis

What I learned doing this assignment is: Seeing the life before is important to a movie to clarify the need for change and to contrast with the new way.

What is the CHANGE this movie is
about? What is the Transformational Journey of this movie? The movie is about hope. After long
winters there will be spring when love abounds.
Lead characters:

Who is the Change Agent (the one
causing the change) and what makes this the right character to cause the
change? Rita is the Change
Agent because of her, Phil changes to become worthy of her.

Who is the Transformable Character
(the one who makes the change) and what makes them the right character to
deliver this profound journey? Phil has the transformational journey
going from a grouchy negative man to one filled with love and skill.

What is the Oppression? The oppression
is the time loop he is caught in. Every day repeats, seemingly endlessly.

How are we lured into the profound
journey? What causes us to connect with this story? We are often caught
in boring jobs and activities, feeling there is no way out.
Looking at the character(s) who are
changed the most, what is the profound journey? Phil is changed with the oppression of
endless day with no tomorrow. From “old ways” to “new way of being.”
Identify their old way: Identify their new way at the conclusion: The
old way was not fulfilling, making his critical. The new way is full of
creative achievements including love, kindness, and romance
What is the gradient the change?
What steps did the Transformational Character go through as they were
changing? The gradient begins when Phil decides to become worthy of Rita’s
attention. Gradually he changes to become the man she would admire.
How is the “old way” challenged?
What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their
perspective…and make the change? The old ways are seen as being hum-drum
and depressing. The new way if profoundly better and happier.
What are the most profound moments
of the movie? Scenes with the old man, catching the boy falling from
the tree, playing the piano well, reciting poetry…
What are the most profound lines of
the movie? Those are the comments of kindness he makes to the various characters,
the old man, the piano teacher. He begins to show wisdom.
How does the ending payoff the
setups of this movie? The ending where they wake up and it is Feb 3, the
day after groundhog day, is the ultimate payoff.
What is the Profound Truth of this
movie? Repentance or true character change brings hope into reality

[Bill]

Bill Southwell. I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Bill]

Hello all,

I’m Bill Southwell, 86 years old, learning to write a profound screenplay. I have no completed screenplays yet, but notes from over the years. I am a physicist and still working.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell QE Cycle#6 Scene Rewrite (comments appreciated)

Logline: Carley and Marcus take a mountain hike together to get-to-know each other better.

Essence: Love comes from service and caring

Scene:

EXT. Mountain trail. Day

(Carley and Marcus are hiking a trail in the California mountains.)

Carley

I don’t know about this idea of yours. I’m getting winded.

Marcus

You told me you were tough, so I thought you could handle it. Do you want to back out?

Carley

(Avoiding the question) (pause, then) This is beautiful. Just look at those flowers over there. Those are California poppies.

Marcus

This is my thinking. A trip like this puts us both under some level of stress. We get to see how we react in such circumstances. That is a good strategy to determine compatibility.

Carley

You mean you brought me up here to test me? Well, I don’t like being treated like a race horse.

Marcus

Certainly, if you have a race horse, you want to see how they can perform before you enter them in a race. Come on. You can do it. Imagine you were a pioneer crossing the plains. You have much better shoes than they had.

Carley

(disgusted) I’ve had about enough of this.

(pause)

Marcus

I didn’t think you were such a wimp. Stick with it a while longer. In about 2 miles more is Little Lake. We will rest there and have lunch.

Carley (cont)

No! Let’s have it out right now. There are things you don’t know about me. I didn’t bring it up before because of the nature of the events were not pleasant. I dumped my last boy friend because when he learned about my past he never trusted me again.

Marcus

The past is of no consequence to me. What we are now and where we are headed is all that matters.

(They walk on in silence, the trail getting steeper. Carley is determined to keep up with Marcus, but does not ask him to slow down.)

(Finally, they reach a ridge where they see the lake below. They head for it, relieved to be going downhill. Marcus is about 50 feet ahead of Carley.)

(Suddenly, Marcus stumbles. With his hands on his head he wanders off the trail and moans.)

Carley

(calling out to him) Is this part of your strategy? To fake an emergency to see how I will react.

Marcus

No!

Carley

Well, Now I have had enough. I’m not buying it. You are seeing just how well I can jump through your hoops. I have had enough of you! Yeah, your scheme worked! We could never be compatible. Thanks for the lesson.

(Marcus continues moaning, dancing around holding his head. Then he falls to the ground.)

Marcus

I have a severe headache.

(Carley approaches his side.)

Carley

Good job buster. You should go to Hollywood.

(Marcus does not answer. Carley sees sweat beads on his forehead and his eyes rolling side to side. Then while on the ground, his legs start to shake.

Carley (cont)

What’s happening?

(Marcus twists.)

Carley (cont)

Marcus, talk to me!

(She gets on her knees beside him)

Carley (cont)

What can I do?

(He does not respond. She puts her arms around him to control his thrashing)

Carley (cont)

This is all I can think of. I don’t know what to do.

(After a couple of minutes he quiets down.)

Marcus

I have a severe piercing headache. I did not bring my medication

(Carley then clinches his head in her hands and holds them tight.)

Marcus (cont)

OOOh. Yes! Continue to press hard. That helps.

Carley

I will.

Marcus

Without my aspirin with codeine, these can last for hours.

Carley

Just relax. We will sit it out.

Marcus,

I see double. I don’t know what to do. It’s probably the high altitude that brought it on.

(They are there on soft pine needles. She is holding his head. Occasionally releasing them and shaking her fingers. This continues for 20 minutes.)

Marcus (cont)

Oh, thank you, thank you.

(He repeats this every minute or so. Then, two men appear on the trail with walking sticks.)

Carley

(Shouts out to them) Can you help us? Please.

(they come over to them)

Carley

He has a severe migraine.

Marcus

(without looking at them) Do you have any Advile or Asprin?

(One of the men pulls out a bottle of Advile and hands it to him. But Carley takes it, opens it takes 2 of them. She hold up Marcus’s head with her water bottle in the other hand.)

Carley

Here. Take these.

(Marcus takes them)

Marcus

May I keep the whole bottle.

Hiker

Sure. Good luck

(The 2 strangers go on their way.)

Marcus

Give me some more.

(Marcus takes 4 more. And then lays back)

(Carley strokes his hair. 20 minutes pass)

Marcus

It is starting to work. In another 30 minutes, I will take more.

(Feeling much less pain, but still keeps his eyes closed.)

Marcus

Carley, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I put you through this. I should have told you.

Carley

It’s ok. It’s ok. What should you have told me.

Marcus

I get these migraines. But I have medication that keeps them under control. I haven’t had one for months. I was so excited about this trip that I forgot to bring the pills.

(Pause)

Marcus (cont)

You were an angel to me.

Carley

I am glad I was here to help you.

(Pause)

Carley (cont)

When you went down, I thought you were dying. I panicked. I did not know what to do. Then a calmness came over me and I felt a prompting to just hold you.

Marcus

Ah, that was just wonderful. And putting my head in your vice grip fingers really did the trick.

(pause)

Marcus

I am so sorry I put you through this.

Carley

No, it was good. I care for you with all my heart.

(she leans down and kisses him)

End of Scene

[Bill]

Bill Southwell writes QE Cycle#6 Scene

Logline: Carley and Marcus take a mountain hike together to get-to-know each other better.

Essence: Love comes from service and caring

Scene:

EXT. Mountain trail. Day

(Carley and Marcus are hiking a trail in the California mountains.)

Carley

I don’t know about this idea of yours. I’m getting winded.

Marcus

You told me you were tough, so I thought you could handle it. Do you want to back out?

Carley

(Avoiding the question) (pause, then) This is beautiful. Just look at those flowers over there.

Marcus

This is my thinking. A trip like this puts us both under some level of stress. We get to see how we react in such circumstances. That is a good strategy to determine compatibility.

Carley

You mean you brought me up here to test me? Well, I don’t like being treated like a race horse.

Marcus

Certainly, if you have a race horse, you want to see how they can perform before you enter them in a race. Come on. You can do it. Imagine you were a pioneer crossing the plains. You have much better shoes than they had.

Carley

(disgusted) I’ve had about enough of this.

Marcus

I didn’t think you were such a wimp. Stick with it a while longer. In about 2 miles more is Little Lake. We will rest there and have lunch.

(They walk on in silence, the trail getting steeper. Carley is determined to keep up with Marcus, but does not ask him to slow down.)

(Finally, they reach a ridge where they see the lake below. They head for it, relieved to be going downhill. Marcus is about 50 feet ahead of Carley.)

(Suddenly, Marcus stumbles. With his hands on his head he wanders off the trail and moans.)

Carley

(calling out to him) Is this part of your strategy? To fake an emergency to see how I will react.

Marcus

No!

Carley

Well, Now I have had enough. I’m not buying it. You are seeing just how well I can jump through your hoops. I have had enough of you! Yeah, your scheme worked! We could never be compatible. Thanks for the lesson.

(Marcus continues moaning, dancing around holding head. Then he falls to the ground.)

Marcus

I have a severe headache.

(Carley approaches his side.)

Carley

Good job buster. You should go to Hollywood.

(Marcus does not answer. Carley sees sweat beads on his forehead and his eyes rolling side to side. Then while on the ground, his legs start to shake.

Carley (cont)

What’s happening?

(Marcus twists.)

Carley (cont)

Marcus, talk to me!

(She gets on her knees beside him)

Carley (cont)

What can I do?

(He does not respond. She puts her arms around him to control his thrashing)

Carley (cont)

This is all I can think of. I don’t know what to do.

(After a couple of minutes he quiets down.)

Marcus

I have a severe piercing headache. I did not bring my medication

(Carley then clinches his head in her hands and holds them tight.)

Marcus (cont)

OOOh. Yes! Continue to press hard. That helps.

Carley

I will.

Marcus

Without my aspirin with codeine, these can last for hours.

Carley

Just relax. We will sit it out.

Marcus,

I see double. I don’t know what to do. It’s probably the high altitude that brought it on.

(They are there on soft pine needles. She is holding his head. Occasionally releasing them and shaking her fingers. This continues for 20 minutes.)

Marcus (cont)

Oh, thank you, thank you.

(He repeats this every minute or so. Then, two men appear on the trail with walking sticks.)

Carley

(Shouts out to them) Can you help us? Please.

(they come over to them)

Carley

He has a severe migraine.

Marcus

(without looking at them) Do you have any Advile or Asprin?

(One of the men pulls out a bottle of Advile and hands it to him. But Carley takes it, opens it takes 2 of them. She hold up Marcus’s head with her water bottle in the other hand.)

Carley

Here. Take these.

(Marcus takes them)

Marcus

May I keep the whole bottle.

Hiker

Sure. Good luck

(The 2 strangers go on their way.)

Marcus

Give me some more.

(Marcus takes 4 more. And then lays back)

(Carley strokes his hair. 20 minutes pass)

Marcus

It is starting to work. In another 30 minutes, I will take more.

(Feeling much less pain, but still keeps his eyes closed.)

Marcus

Carley, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I put you through this. I should have told you.

Carley

It’s ok. It’s ok. What should you have told me.

Marcus

I get these migraines. But I have medication that keeps them under control. I haven’t had one for months. I was so excited about this trip that I forgot to bring the pills.

(Pause)

Marcus (cont)

You were an angel to me.

Carley

I am glad I was here to help you.

(Pause)

Carley (cont)

When you went down, I thought you were dying. I panicked. I did not know what to do. Then a calmness came over me and I felt a prompting to just hold you.

Marcus

Ah, that was just wonderful. And putting my head in your vice grip fingers really did the trick.

(pause)

Marcus

I am so sorry I put you through this.

Carley

No, it was good. I care for you with all my heart.

(she leans down and kisses him)

End of Scene

[Bill]

Bill Southwell Writes QW Cycle #5 Scene Rewrite

What I learned is that one can combine Characteristic relationships, Reveals, and Max Interest techniques to improve the story. The scene is improved so characters are true to their traits.

LOGLINE: Brandy and Phillip are a young dating couple but Brandy is slipping into addiction. Phillip wants to help her.

ESSENCE: Tough love is sometimes the most tender and lasting

SCENE:

Dating couple Brandy and Phillip are leaving a party. Brandy is woozy from something taken at the party. Phillip is driving.

Brandy

Let me drive. I feel realllly fine.

Phillip

No, it’s my duty to drive when you are like this. Why don’t you get off that stuff?

Brandy

‘Cause it makes me feel loose. Don’t you want to feel loose?

Phillip

I am sorry I took you this that party. But you had fun when you were singing. You have such talent and potential. But you are throwing it all away.

Brandy

Oh—you don’t love me anymore.

Phillip

I do love you. But I cannot see you ever getting the acclaim you seem to need.

A car behind them turns on flashing red and blue lights.

Phillip (cont)

I better pull over. I don’t know what to do. This car smells like a meth lab.

Brandy

It’s ok. I will tell them you have not been drinking.

The patrol car behind then turns on its sirens. Phillip pulls over and rolls down his window. The officer walks over to the driver’s side.

Phillip

What seems to be the problem officer?

Officer

May I see your Driver’s license and Registration?

Phillip hands them to him.

Officer (cont)

I pulled you over because you have a red tail light out. But I sense a strong drug smell. I am going to ask you to step out of the car.

Brandy

No. He hasn’t been drinking or doing nothin’, officer.

Brandy argues with the officer and he easily perceives that she is high.

Officer

Both of you. Step out of the car. (they comply) Place you hands on the top of the car.

Officer (to Phillip)

Show me how well you can walk in a straight line.

Phillip does so. The officer is pleased.

Officer (to Brandy)

Are you intoxicated?

Brandy

No.

She cannot even stand straight

Officer

Is that your purse on the seat?

Brandy

You can’t look at that. There is nothing in it.

The officer takes the purse and finds drugs.

Officer

I am arresting you for possession of illegal drugs. And I am taking you to the station.

Officer

(to Phillip) You may go or you may follow me there. It’s up to you.

Logline: Night. At the police station Brandy is being booked on possession. Brandy starts to cry.

Brandy

(to Phillip) I feel terrible. I know I got myself into this. But I can’t post bail or even pay to defend myself. What can I do? I will have to spend time in jail.

Phillip

Make the most of it. First get sober. Then plead with them that you will get into rehab. I will support you all the way. I care about you.

Brandy

You are so good to me. I will do it! You will see!

A lady officer takes her away to a cell.

After Brandy is away, Phillip goes up to the arresting officer and says,

Phillip

Officer, in my pocket here is the taillight bulb. I will put it back now.

Phillip walks to the door.

Phillip (cont)

And thank you. You have played an important role in her recovery.

Phillip walks out.

END of SCENE

[Bill]

Bill Southwell Writes QW Cycle #5 Scene

What I learned is that one can combine Characteristic relationships, Reveals, and Max Interest techniques to improve the story.

LOGLINE: Brandy and Phillip are a young dating couple but Brandy is slipping into addiction. Phillip wants to help her.

ESSENCE: Tough love is sometimes the most tender and lasting

SCENE:

Dating couple Brandy and Phillip are leaving a party. Brandy is woozy from something taken at the party. Phillip is driving.

Brandy

Let me drive. I feel realllly fine.

Phillip

You know you can’t drive. Why don’t you get off that stuff?

Brandy

‘Cause it makes me feel loose. Don’t you want to feel loose?

Phillip

You have such talent and potential and you are throwing it all away.

Brandy

Oh—you don’t love me anymore.

Phillip

I do love you. But I cannot see you ever being happy this way.

A car behind them turns on flashing red and blue lights.

Phillip (cont)

I better pull over. I don’t know what to do. This car smells like a meth lab.

Brandy

It’s ok. I will tell them you have not been drinking.

The patrol car behind then turns on its sirens. Phillip pulls over and rolls down his window. The officer walks over to the driver’s side.

Phillip

What seems to be the problem officer?

Officer

May I see your Driver’s license and Registration?

Phillip hands them to him.

Officer (cont)

I pulled you over because you have a read tail light out. But I sense a strong drug smell. I am going to ask you to step out of the car.

Brandy

No. He hasn’t been drinking or doing nothin’

Brandy argues with the officer and he easily perceives that she is high.

Officer

Both of you. Step out of the car. (they comply) Place you hands on the top of the car.

Officer (to Phillip)

Show me how well you can walk in a straight line.

Phillip does so. The officer is pleased.

Officer (to Brandy)

Are you intoxicated?

Brandy

No.

She cannot even stand straight

Officer

Is that your purse on the seat?

Brandy

You can’t look at that. There is nothing in it.

The officer takes the purse and finds drugs.

Officer

I am arresting you for possession of illegal drugs. And I am taking you to the station.

Officer

(to Phillip) You may go or you may follow me there. It’s up to you.

Logline: Night. At the police station Brandy is being booked on possession. Brandy starts to cry.

Brandy

(to Phillip) I feel terrible. I know I got myself into this. But I can’t post bail or even pay to defend myself. What can I do? I will have to spend time in jail.

Phillip

Make the most of it. First get sober. Then plead with them that you will get into rehab. I will support you all the way. I care about you.

Brandy

You are so good to me. I will do it! You will see!

A lady officer takes her away to a cell.

After Brandy is away, Phillip goes up to the arresting officer and says,

Phillip

Officer, in my pocket here is the taillight bulb. I will put it back now.

Phillip walks to the door.

Phillip (cont)

And thank you. You have played an important role in her recovery.

Phillip walks out.

END of SCENE

[Bill]

Bill Southwell Interest Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is the interest model of Suspense, Twist, Surprise is very effective in maintaining interest in a scene.

Logline: On a summer day 3 boys, Willard, Gilbert, and Bill decide to look for a lost gold mine in the Black Hills of South Dakota. They come across an old mine entrance.

Willard

Look at this!

Gilbert

Those old timbers don’t look too sturdy.

The boys decide to go in using Willard’s iPhone light.

Bill

What if the shaft collapses and we can’t get out? [SUSPENSE]

Willard

If it hasn’t fallen in for over a hundred years, it won’t do so today.

Gilbert tries to shake one of the pillars of the shaft and finds it unsteady.

Gilbert

We better not go any further.

Willard

It’s OK. We won’t stay long.

Cautiously the 3 boys continue into the old mine going deeper for about half an hour.

Bill

Stop for a minute. Do you hear that?

They all stop and listen.

Gilbert

It’s a low frequency rumble. We better go back.

Willard

I hear a hum. It sounds like a motor.

Then ahead they see a recently constructed vertical shaft.

Willard

Look at this! This looks like an elevator shaft. You can hear it.

They walk around to the other side and see that it is a modern elevator.

[TWIST]

They find a small round window where they can look down into it. They see a large room with several people in white coats working with lab benches and big machines

Bill

This must be some top-secret research going on.

An armed guard hears them talking and rushes to a set of stairs.

The boys panic and hasten to retrace their path through the old mine shaft.

They fumble around not sure how to get back when this armed guard overtakes them.

Guard

Looking for a way out are you? Come with me

Gilbert

Yes sir. We don’t mean any hard. We didn’t see anything.

Guard

No problem. Come I will show you what they are doing.

(to Willard) are these the guys you were telling me about?

Willard

Yeh. [SURPRISE]

They walk into the big lab region.

Guard (cont)

This is a scientific experiment to detect neutrinos. They have to go underground to filter out the cosmic radiation. These people are scientists from Columbia University.

END of SCENE

[Bill]

Bill Southwell Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment was that building in REVEALS is a powerful way to hold interest for the audience.

Logline: Charis, age 14, is in the hospital. Her mother Afton visits and talks to her doctor.

Charis

Hello mother. So glad to see you

AFTON

I brought you some books to read.

Charis looks at them—sees they are all teen novels

CHARIS

Mother, you have got to be kidding. Bring me a history of Egypt.

AFTON

Oh, all right. Has your tests come back? Has the doctor been in?

CHARIS

Yes, but he wants to discuss them with you first. [intrigue, DEMAND]

AFTON

You have been getting a lot of get-well cards and letters. Here, I brought them for you

CHARIS

Thanks, I like looking at them.

She looks through some of them.

CHARIS

Here is one from a classmate who signs his name with a dollar Sign. I know who that is because he owes me a dollar.

AFTON

You are looking good and your spirits are high. So, I wonder what is wrong.

CHARIS

I don’t know that I want to know. [COVER UP]

Dr. Brown enters the room.

Dr. BROWN

Mrs. Greenwood, can I speak with you outside for a minute?

Afton and Dr. Brown leave the room to the hallway.

Dr. BROWN

I have Charis’s lab work.

AFTON

How do they look?

Dr. Brown

So here’s the bottom line. Ah…. The Rheumatic Fever has persisted far too long. Her fevers continue ans we see a continuing worsening of her joint inflammation. So the bottom line is, and I have consulted with the doctors here at the hospital, . . . she has Rheumatioid Arthritis. [REVEAL]

AFTON

(shocked) Are you sure? OH!

Dr. BROWN

She has all the symptoms. Sed rate, C-reactive protein, red swollen joints. We did a blood test for the rheumatoid factor. The results were inconclusive, but that is often the case for the first year of the progression of the disease. After a year the patient will then test Seropositive for Rheumatoid Arthritis.

AFTON

She is young. Will she grow out of it?

Dr. BROWN

Unfortunately, it is a chronic progressive disease. And when it occurs at her age, the prognosis is especially bad. It is called Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. They often become wheel-chair bound.

Later that evening Charis is alone writing in her diary.

CHARIS (V.O)

Well here I am, dear book, more depressed I guess than I have ever been.

The doctor was here today and I guess he sort of upset me, and not without cause. He seems to think that I have rheumatoid arthritis. I know that regardless of what the Doctor thinks I have, it won’t make any difference.

But the awful fact is that my elbows are already stiff so that I can’t straighten them all the way out.

I was very brave when he told me and I decided at once to forget my own life and become a nuclear physicist or something and devote my life to my country and my science. At least my brain won’t be crippled. Now I’m not so brave.

Once I saw a picture of a girl with rheumatoid arthritis on the front page of the newspaper. She was in a wheelchair and she was getting married. It was that unusual.

I’m speaking very bitterly but I guess I have to get it off my chest.

I see no reason why it should happen to others and not to me but it’s hard to resign yourself to the fact that you have a crippling disease for which there is not only no cure but no help at all. [NEW REALITY]

END of SCENE

[Bill]

Bill Southwell: Character Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment was it is much easier to write dialogue using established character traits as well as develop dramatic scenes.

Charis: Believing, Needing to be loved, Ambitious with no name, conniving

Dale: Self-centered, Loves cars, Jealous, Lacks ambition

Jay: Shy, Friendly, Educated, Emotionally insecure

Casey: Intellectual, Seductive, Calm, Skeptical

Charis/Dale:

Put Charis’s Needing to be loved and Dale’s Self-centered and you have these two

establishing a relationship.

Put Charis’s Ambition and Dale’s Lack of ambition and you have reason for a breakup.

Charis/Jay

Put Charis’s Need to be loved along with her conniving and Jay’s Shy and Friendly trait and you have these two establishing a romantic relationship.

Put Charis’s trait of Believing in Jay’s future and Jay’s emotional insecurity and you have conflict arising.

Charis/Casey

Put Charis’s Conniving skill and Casey’s Seductive skills and you have a ready-made romance going.

Put Charis’s Believing spiritual strength and Casey’s skepticism and you have serious conflict.

Dale, Jay, and Casey never interact.

Change a Trait to Elevate state

Charis: Believing, Needing to be loved, Ambitious with no name, conniving

Dale: Self-centered, Loves cars, Jealous, Ambitious

Jay: Shy, Friendly, Educated, Confident

Casey: Intellectual, Seductive, Calm, Believing

Put Charis’s Needing to be loved and Dale’s Self-centered and you have these two

establishing a relationship.

Put Charis’s Ambition and Dale’s ambition and you have reason for bonding.

Charis/Jay

Put Charis’s Need to be loved along with her conniving and Jay’s Shy and Friendly trait and you have these two establishing a romantic relationship.

Put Charis’s trait of Believing in Jay’s future and Jay’s confidence and you have a situation where they might hit it off.

Charis/Casey

Put Charis’s Conniving skill and Casey’s Seductive skills and you have a ready-made romance going.

Put Charis’s Believing spiritual strength and Casey’s believing and you have hope for a strong relationship.

[Bill]

QE Cycle #4 Critique Rewrite

LOGLINE: Renee and Maxine are college roommates.

Essence: Trust is vitally important but may be easily broken.

Character Trait change: Maxine changed from paranoid to empathetic. This change occurs in the this scene.

Scene: Renee is in the dorm room primping her hair and Maxine comes in.

RENEE

Thanks for keeping my secret. No one must know until I figure things out.

MAXINE

Of course. You have a lot of things to sort out.

RENEE

I will likely drop out of school, but I don’t know when.

MAXINE

Do you know who the father is?

RENEE

That is a secret that I must keep to myself and especially from you.

MAXINE

I don’t know why. You got yourself into this situation. But it is not helpful to keep things from me. This indicates that you do not trust me.

RENEE

Just know that I must deal with this in my own way and in my own due time.

Maxine’s cell phone rings. It is Jack her boyfriend.

Maxine

Hello

JACK (V.O.)

Maxine, I want to talk to you before you got to your dorm.

MAXINE

Too late for that. I am already here.

JACK

Is your roommate there?

MAXINE

Yes, she is here, WHY?

JACK

Oh, no reason. I’ve got to go. Bye

MAXINE

Renee, do you know Jack?

RENEE

No, why would you ask?

MAXINE

It seems strange that he abruptly hung up knowing you were here,

Pause.

MAXINE

Something’s fishy going on.

RENEE

Oh, if you must know. He has come be a couple of times when you were not here.

MAXINE

This information hits Maxine hard. She pauses as though mulling things in her mind. Her eye squint and her pulse quickens in anger but she says nothing. Then she stands in front of a window and stares out. She takes long slow breaths, calming her racing heart. Finally, she turns to Renee.

MAXINE (cont.)

Renee, I apologize. I have not been sympathetic enough to you. This is a serious situation you are in. I want to be a better roommate.

This is a sudden character train change for Maxine.

MAXINE (cont.)

I respect the confidence you place in me. I have not nor will I divulge your secret. Now will I inquire further about the circumstances that brought it about.

Renee is touched by this. Her eyes well up in tears.

RENEE

(softly) Thank you.

MAXINE

Let’s think this through. What are your options?

RENEE

I don’t know.

MAXINE

Think about your school, a job, counseling…

RENEE

It’s all overwhelming.

MAXINE

Adoption is also on your list. But first, you need to tell your parents. Establish a support group. I am here to help.

END of SCENE

[Bill]

Lesson 17: QE Cycle #4

LOGLINE: Renee and Maxine are college roommates.

Essence: Trust is vitally important but may be easily broken.

Trait changed: Maxine is not paranoid but is sympathetic.

Scene1: Renee is in the dorm room primping her hair and Maxine comes in.

RENEE

Thanks for keeping my secret. No one must know until I figure things out.

MAXINE

Of course. You have a lot of things to sort out.

RENEE

I will likely drop out of school, but I don’t know when.

MAXINE

Do you know who the father is?

RENEE

That is a secret that I must keep to myself and especially from you.

MAXINE

I don’t know why. You got yourself into this situation. But it is not helpful to keep things from me. This indicates that you do not trust me.

RENEE

Just know that I must deal with this in my own way and in my own due time.

Maxine’s cell phone rings. It is Jack her boyfriend.

Maxine

Hello

JACK (V.O.)

Maxine, I want to talk to you before you got to your dorm.

MAXINE

Too late for that. I am already here.

JACK

Is your roommate there?

MAXINE

Yes, she is here, WHY?

JACK

Oh, no reason. I’ve got to go. Bye

MAXINE

Renee, do you know Jack?

RENEE

No, why would you ask?

MAXINE

It seems strange that he abruptly hung up knowing you were here,

Pause.

MAXINE

Something’s fishy going on.

RENEE

Oh, if you must know. He has come be a couple of times when you were not here.

MAXINE

So, you’re lying to me!

Maxine takes all this in. Then begins to sob.

RENEE

We got to know each other. A little. He is really good-looking.

MAXINE

HOW MUCH DID YOU GET TO KNOW HIM?

Renee does not answer.

Is he the father?

Renee still does not answer.

END of SCENE1

Same circumstances except Maxine is not paranoid, but sympathetic.

Scene2: Renee is in the dorm room primping her hair and Maxine comes in.

RENEE

Thanks for keeping my secret. No one must know until I figure things out.

MAXINE

Of course. You have a lot of things to sort out.

RENEE

I will likely drop out of school, but I don’t know when.

MAXINE

Do you know who the father is?

RENEE

That is a secret that I must keep to myself and especially from you.

MAXINE

I don’t know why. You are going through some difficult times. You can share your burdens with me. It will help you

RENEE

Just know that I must deal with this in my own way and in my own due time.

Maxine’s cell phone rings. It is Jack her boyfriend.

Maxine

Hello

JACK (V.O.)

Maxine, I want to talk to you before you go to your dorm.

MAXINE

Too late for that. I am already here.

JACK

Is your roommate there?

MAXINE

Yes, she is here, WHY?

JACK

Oh, no reason. I’ve got to go. Bye

MAXINE

Renee, do you know Jack?

RENEE

No, why would you ask?

MAXINE

It seems strange that he abruptly hung up knowing you were here,

Pause.

MAXINE

What’s going on.

RENEE

Oh, if you must know. He came be a couple of times when you were not here.

Maxine takes all this in. Then Maxine walks over to Renee and raises her chin and looks squarely Renee’s eyes.

RENEE

We got to know each other. A little. He is really good-looking.

MAXINE

HOW MUCH DID YOU GET TO KNOW HIM?

Renee does not answer.

Is he the father?

Renee still does not answer.

END of SCENE2

[Bill]

Bill Southwell writes the QE #3 Scene REWRITE

What I have learned is that Dialogue is driven by the character traits. And that the writer can deliberately put in actions such as cliffhangers that add interest.

LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire are detectives just assigned together for the first time to investigate a family dispute. They are enroute in a car.

ESSENCE: (The relationship between Nancy and Squire begins with distrust and ends with a sudden change of feeling)

Squire

(driving) Wow, this is great. I have been wishing to be assigned with you ever since you came on the force.

Nancy

Don’t get your hopes up buddy, this is just a temporary assignment. I have heard about other encounters you have had with other female detectives. What can you tell me about that?

Squire

(Ignores the question) I just like having a good time. This work gets gruesome too much of the time.

(back to business) Will you call in to see what we may expect at this home? Is it a violent dispute?

Nancy,

NO! I am not your girl-Friday. We were told the wife called in that her husband was getting rough with her.

Squire

I didn’t know that. I’m not trying to suppress you in any way, sweetheart. I would like to be on your good side.

Nancy

That’s nice. I do care for you. So, after this visit will you do something for me? Drive over to the Hillside Mall? I want to pick up something.

Squire

That is quite far and out of our jurisdiction. We shouldn’t do that.

Nancy

I don’t understand you! You are sweet to me, but you refuse to do me a little favor. What am I to make of that? Why are you like this? Did you have a conflicted relationship that hangs over you?

Squire

(again, ignores her question) No need to get riled up. You know we must be respectable in our profession.

Nancy

(pause) Tell you what. You take me to the Mall and I will be in and out in 3 minutes.

Squire

I am beginning to see why others don’t want to work with you.

Nancy

What are you talking about? Tell me what you have heard. It’s all lies!

Squire

I will not leave our jurisdiction. But I wish I could do something to please you.

Nancy

(another pause) There is a donut shop in that Mall. I will buy you a chocolate glazed. Doesn’t that make your mouth water?

Suddenly, as they drive through an intersection they are hit by a high speed car running a red light. Their car rolls. When it comes to rest it is up-side down. Nancy and Squire are both dangling—held up by their seat belts. Squire is unconscious. Nancy is less injured but stunned. After a few moments she realizes she is alive and fumbles to find her seat belt. Finally successful, she releases her seat belt and she drops to what is now the top of the car. She sees that Squire is unresponsive.

Nancy

Squire! Can you hear me?

Nancy is in great pain but sees that Squire is much worse off. But she is too weak to release his seat belt or even attempt to get herself out of the car.

Nancy

Squire. Forgive me. Please, please, wake up.

Finally, sirens are heard.

End of Scene

[Bill]

Bill Southwell writes the Lesson 14 QE #3 Scene

What I have learned is that Dialogue is driven by the character traits.

LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire are detectives just assigned together for the first time to investigate a family dispute. They are enroute in a car.

ESSENCE: (The relationship between Nancy and Squire begins with distrust and ends with disgust)

Squire

(driving) Wow, this is great. I have been wishing to assigned with you ever since you came on the force.

Nancy

Don’t get your hopes up buddy, this is just a temporary assignment. I have heard about other encounters you have had with other female detectives. What can you tell me about that?

Squire

(Ignores the question) I just like having a good time. This work gets gruesome too much of the time.

(back to business) Will you call in to see what we may expect at this home? Is it a violent dispute?

Nancy,

NO! I am not your girl-Friday. We were told the wife called in that her husband was getting rough with her.

Squire

I didn’t know that. I’m not trying to suppress you in any way, sweetheart. I would like to be on your good side.

Nancy

That’s nice. I do care for you. So, after this visit will you do something for me? Drive over to the Hillside Mall? I want to pick up something.

Squire

That is quite a ways away and out of our jurisdiction. We shouldn’t do that.

Nancy

I don’t understand you! You are sweet to me but you refuse to do me a little favor. What am I to make of that? Why are you like this? Did you have a conflicted relationship that hangs over you?

Squire

(again ignores her question) No need to get riled up. You know we have to be respectable in our profession.

Nancy

(pause) Tell you what. You take me to the Mall and I will be in and out in 3 minutes.

Squire

I am beginning to see why others don’t want to work with you.

Nancy

What are you talking about? Tell me what you have heard. It’s all lies!

Squire

I will not leave our jurisdiction. But I wish I could do something to please you.

Nancy

(another pause) There is a donut shop in that Mall. I will buy you a chocolate glazed. Doesn’t that make your mouth water?

They arrive at the designated house. They park and walk up to the door.

End of Scene

[Bill]

(Bill Southwell) Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that anticipation is an important interest technique. Other techniques include Dilemma and Predictions.

Car Scene

Elizabeth has kidney failure so she and her husband must uproot from Rapid City, South Dakota, and move to Pittsburgh to be near a major medical center where she may receive dialysis. Before leaving they visit John’s parents at their Wyoming farm. They are in the car driving 200 miles back to Rapid City.

Elizabeth

Oh, how I love the farm, so peaceful and quiet. I always rejuvenate there.

They drive on in silence. The sun sets and the sky turns red over a high and wide region of the sky—displaying a rare and spectacular scene. The hum of the car becomes subdued as they take in the scene in silence. Then John notices that Elizabeth is sobbing.

John

What is the matter?

Elizabeth

Elizabeth’s head is resting on the back of the head rest.

I will never see this again.

John

(Confidently) Of course you will. Once you get on dialysis, We’ll buy a single story house and set up a home dialysis unit. You will get your strength back.

They ride on for several minutes in silence.

Elizabeth

John, promise me one thing.

John

What is that?

Elizabeth

Do not bury me in Pittsburgh.

John senses her seriousness.

John

I promise.

They continue to drive on in silence. The sunset fades and stars appear in the Wyoming night sky, billions of them. Elizabeth’s voice is heard.

Elizabeth (V.O.)

That there should be bright stars is yet a wonder.

Silence keeps a space where thoughts resound

And clatter on some polished place.

No matter, but I dreamed of death and saw

A sweet white face that smiled and meant to speak,

Till some response of fear within myself

Shattered the transparent film, before I felt,

And left a quiet night.

End of Scene

[Bill]

Bill Southwell Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is challenging situations reveal the character and arc of the lead character. Not just the situation but how they respond to it.

Scene 1: Old Version

Logline: Sally is meeting with John who is home from the Air Force. They have been writing each other. Sally is hopeful he will be the one and John is wrapped up in himself. The meet and he talks about the training exercises he has been on.

Scene 1: New Version

Logline: Sally is meeting with John who is home from the Air Force. They have been writing each other. Sally is hopeful he will be the one and John is wrapped up in himself. When they meet she asks him what his plans are for the future, college, occupation?. He shrugs his shoulders saying: “I don’t know, move up to Sargent maybe. (His response Violates her Goals, her Needs, and her Values) He changes the subject and talks about the car he wants to buy. (Reveals his Goals, Needs, and Values). They part agreeing to write, but Salley feels let down—a blow to her hopes.

Scene 2. Old Version

Logline: Christmas Eve. Elizabeth, a kidney disease patient, has been rushed to the emergency room with a serious nosebleed. After an hour the doctor finally cauterizes the veins and has her bandaged up and says to the nurse to admit her to the hospital. Elizabeth objects. Her husband Richard concurs with the doctor.

Scene 2. New Version

Logline: Christmas Eve. Elizabeth, a kidney disease patient, has been rushed to the emergency room with a serious nosebleed. After an hour the doctor finally cauterizes the veins and has her bandaged up and says to the nurse to admit her to the hospital. Elizabeth objects saying she wants to be with her 2-year-old daughter on Christmas morning. The doctor says “no way” and walks out. Richard follows him down the hall and captures his attention saying this may be her last Christmas. The doctor says “that is for sure!”. Then the doctor consents with the stipulation she be admitted in the afternoon.

[Bill]

Title: (Bill Southwell) Full-out Characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is the characters themselves must be interesting. This comes through subtext, which is an important screenwriting technique.

CURRENT PROFILE 1

DESCRIPTION: SMANTHA, 18, is a High School Senior who writes poetry

TRAITS: Smart, Outgoing, Creative

SUBTEXT: SMANTHA dreams of having her poems published

REVISED PROFILE 1

DESCRIPTION: SMANTHA, 18, is a High School Senior who pushes herself to learn writing techniques

TRAITS: Smart, Outgoing, Creative

SUBTEXT: SMANTHA has many boy friends but hides that she has a progressive debilitating disease

CURRENT PROFILE 2

DESCRIPTION: RUTH, 18, is a tall popular girl

TRAITS: Smart, Shy, Generous

SUBTEXT: SMANTHA hopes to be married and have a family

REVISED PROFILE 2

DESCRIPTION: RUTH, 18, is a tall popular girl

TRAITS: Smart, Shy, Generous

SUBTEXT: SMANTHA is reluctant to be serious with boys because of a hidden assault from a teacher

CURRENT PROFILE 3

DESCRIPTION: GENE, 18, athlete but is the class bully

TRAITS: Arrogant, Needs to be the center of attention, lonely

SUBTEXT: WILLARD always wants the ball so he can show off

REVISED PROFILE 3

DESCRIPTION: GENE, 18, athlete but is the class bully

TRAITS: Arrogant, lonely, needs to be the center of attention

SUBTEXT: WILLARD’s classmates are unaware he deals with an abusive father every day

[Bill]

Bill’s rewrite QE Cycle 2 for critique:

LOGLINE: Ext. Day. Backyard of John’s upscale home

ESSENCE: Two men trying to extract information from each other

SCENE:

John just sits down in his lounge chair by his backyard pool on Saturday afternoon and sets a cool drink on the table. The patio sliding door is open so he hears clearly the doorbell ring, but he hesitates to get up. Finally, after the third ring, he shouts, daring the visitor to enter.

JOHN

I’M IN THE BACKYARD. IF IT’S IMPORTANT, COME IN.

The door opens and Nick comes to the backyard carrying a briefcase and a newspaper. The yard is orderly, and the pool water is clear. There is no evidence of a wife or children.

NICK

Hello, my name is Nick Foster.

How are you today?

Nick hands John the folded newspaper he found on the driveway.

JOHN

As you can see, I am relaxing and

Not wishing to be disturbed!

NICK

I understand. I will just take a moment of your time.

JOHN

By the way. I always throw this newspaper in the recycle bin.

It is full of crap. I never read it. They won’t stop sending it.

NICK

Sorry. ‘just wanted to give you something—to warm up our conversation.

JOHN

You are not here to give me anything.

You are here to get something from me.

Probably my money or my vote. Which is it?

Nick laughs, but accepts the challenge of John’s belligerence.

NICK

Neither. I have something that you will enjoy reading.

Nick opens his briefcase.

JOHN

Wait. Before you go any further, I’m not interested.

NICK

You can’t say that. You haven’t seen what it is I bring you.

Nick hands John a brochure but John doesn’t look at it.

NICK

Nick looks around the back yard and pool.

I can see you are doing well for yourself. What is your household income?

JOHN

That is none of your business.

Nick

It helps me to know which program I present to you.

I would not offer something that would be a hardship for you.

John is determined not to reveal this information to someone he doesn’t know.

JOHN

Why don’t you tell me how much you are planning to make from me on

whatever it is you are selling? Tell me. I’d like to know.

NICK

What I have for you is going to save you tons of money

JOHN

Yeah. Sure. Tell me what your cut is.

NICK

This is the deal. I represent the Sunrise Solar Systems.

With this system installed on your house you will never pay an electricity bill again.

JOHN

You know what? I really doubt that!

NICK

How much do you now pay for electricity?

JOHN

I am not going to tell you that!

NICK

But I must know so I can show you how much you will save?

Imagine. What will you do with the money you now pay for electricity?

JOHN

I will set up an electric fence to keep salesmen off my property.

NICK

You don’t understand. I’m here to help you. Right now, there

are government rebates that will soon be gone. You don’t want to pass this up.

John is getting more and more irritated.

JOHN

LOOK! IF I WERE to buy solar panels, I would get them from my sister’s husband. I certainly would not buy them from some door-to-door punk.

NICK

What company does he represent? The Sunrise system is much more efficient.

That will save you lots more in the long run.

JOHN

That does not matter. I would keep it in the family.

NICK

Just tell me your annual electricity bill—and I will prepare a plan

That, I am confident, you will like—when you see how much you save.

JOHN

NO! I will not tell you that! Not until you tell me how much you make off this scam.

By now Nick is also irritated.

John gets up off his lounge and gives Nick a strong shove.

NICK

OK, OK! I get to keep the down payment check you give me today.

JOHN

I thought so, you conniving scum!

John gives Nick another shove. This time Nick falls into the pool.

Fight ensures.

End of Scene.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell re-writes Scene2

LOGLINE: Ext. Day. Backyard of John’s upscale home

ESSENCE: Two men trying to extract information from each other

SCENE:

John just sits down in his lounge chair by his backyard pool on Saturday afternoon and sets a cool drink on the table. The patio sliding door is open so he hears clearly the doorbell ring, but he hesitates to get up. Finally, after the third ring, he shouts, daring the visitor to enter.

JOHN

I’M IN THE BACKYARD. IF IT’S IMPORTANT, COME IN.

The door opens and Nick comes to the backyard carrying a briefcase and a newspaper. The yard is orderly, and the pool water is clear. There is no evidence of a wife or children.

NICK

Hello, my name is Nick Foster.

How are you today?

Nick hands John the folded newspaper he found on the driveway.

JOHN

As you can see, I am relaxing and

Not wishing to be disturbed!

NICK

I understand. I will just take a moment of your time.

JOHN

By the way. I always throw this newspaper in the recycle bin.

It is full of crap. I never read it. They won’t stop sending it.

NICK

Sorry. ‘just wanted to give you something—to warm up our conversation.

JOHN

You are not here to give me anything.

You are here to get something from me.

Probably my money or my vote. Which is it?

Nick laughs, but accepts the challenge of John’s belligerence.

NICK

Neither. I have something that you will enjoy reading.

Nick opens his briefcase.

JOHN

Wait. Before you go any further, I’m not interested.

NICK

You can’t say that. You haven’t seen what it is I bring you.

Nick hands John a brochure but John doesn’t look at it.

NICK

Nick looks around the back yard and pool.

I can see you are doing well for yourself. What is your household income?

JOHN

That is none of your business.

Nick

It helps me to know which program I present to you.

I would not offer something that would be a hardship for you.

John is determined not to reveal this information to someone he doesn’t know.

JOHN

Why don’t you tell me how much you are planning to make from me on

whatever it is you are selling? Tell me. I’d like to know.

NICK

What I have for you is going to save you tons of money

JOHN

Yeah. Sure. Tell me what your cut is.

NICK

This is the deal. I represent the Sunrise Solar Systems.

With this system installed on your house you will never pay an electricity bill again.

JOHN

You know what? I really doubt that!

NICK

How much do you now pay for electricity?

JOHN

I am not going to tell you that!

NICK

But I must know so I can show you how much you will save?

Imagine. What will you do with the money you now pay for electricity?

JOHN

I will set up an electric fence to keep salesmen off my property.

NICK

You don’t understand. I’m here to help you. Right now, there

are government rebates that will soon be gone. You don’t want to pass this up.

John is getting more and more irritated.

JOHN

LOOK! IF I WERE to buy solar panels, I would get them from my sister’s husband. I certainly would not buy them from some door-to-door punk.

NICK

What company does he represent? The Sunrise system is much more efficient.

That will save you lots more in the long run.

JOHN

That does not matter. I would keep it in the family.

NICK

Just tell me your annual electricity bill—and I will prepare a plan

That, I am confident, you will like—when you see how much you save.

JOHN

NO! I will not tell you that! Not until you tell me how much you make off this scam.

By now Nick is also irritated.

John gets up off his lounge and gives Nick a strong shove.

NICK

OK, OK! I get to keep the down payment check you give me today.

JOHN

I thought so, you conniving scum!

John gives Nick another shove. This time Nick falls into the pool.

Fight ensures.

End of Scene.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell writes Scene for Lesson 8

LOGLINE: Ext. Day. Backyard of John’s upscale home

ESSENCE: Two men trying to extract information from each other

SCENE:

John just sits down in his lounge chair by his backyard pool on Saturday afternoon and sets a cool drink on the table. The patio sliding door is open so he hears clearly the doorbell ring, but he hesitates to get up. Finally, after the third ring, he shouts, daring the visitor to enter.

JOHN

I’M IN THE BACKYARD. IF IT IS IMPORTANT COME IN.

The door opens and Nick comes to the backyard carrying a briefcase and a newspaper. The yard is orderly, and the pool water is clear. There is no evidence of a wife or children.

NICK

Hello, my name is Nick Foster.

How are you today?

Nick hands John the folded newspaper he found on the driveway.

JOHN

As you can see, I am relaxing and

Not wishing to be disturbed!

NICK

I understand. I will just take a moment of your time.

JOHN

By the way. I always throw this newspaper in the recycle bin.

It is full of crap. I never read it. They won’t stop sending it.

NICK

Sorry. ‘just wanted to give you something—to warm up our conversation.

JOHN

You are not here to give me anything.

You are here to get something from me.

Probably my money or my vote. Which is it?

Nick laughs, but accepts the challenge of John’s belligerence.

NICK

Neither. I have something that you will enjoy reading.

Nick opens his briefcase.

JOHN

Wait. Before you go any further, I am not interested.

NICK

You cannot say that. You have not seen what it is I bring you.

Nick hands John a brochure but John does not look at it.

NICK

I can see you are doing well for yourself. What is your household income?

JOHN

That is none of your business.

Nick

It helps me to know which program I present to you.

I would not offer something that would be a hardship for you.

John is determined not to reveal this information to someone he does not know.

JOHN

Why don’t you tell me how much you are planning to make from me on

whatever it is you are selling? Tell me. I would like to know.

NICK

What I have for you is going to save you tons of money

JOHN

Yeah. Sure. Tell me what your cut is.

NICK

This is the deal. I represent the Sunrise Solar Systems.

With this system installed on your house you will never pay an electricity bill again.

JOHN

You know. I really doubt that!

NICK

How much do you now pay for electricity?

JOHN

I am not going to tell you that!

NICK

But I have to know so I can show you how much you will save?

Imagine. What will you do with the money you now pay for electricity?

JOHN

I will set up an electric fence to keep salesmen off my property.

NICK

You don’t understand. I am here to help you. Right now, there

are government rebates that will soon be gone. You do not want to pass this up.

John is getting more and more irritated.

JOHN

LOOK! IF I WERE to buy solar panels, I would get them from my sister’s husband.

I certainly would not buy them from some door-to-door punk.

NICK

What company does he represent? The Sunrise system is much more efficient.

That will save you lots more in the long run.

JOHN

That does not matter. I would keep it in the family.

NICK

Just tell me what your annual electricity cost is and I will prepare a plan

that I am confident you will like when you see how much you save.

JOHN

NO! I will not tell you that until you tell me how much you make off this scam.

By now Nick is also irritated.

John gets up off his lounge and gives Nick a strong shove.

Nick responds by pushing back. John falls into the pool.

Fight ensures.

End of Scene.

[Bill]

Bill’s Scene is ready for feedback.

Annual Awards Banquet. Round tables set up. Robert comes in and finds an empty table and sits. Soon Trent comes into the hall, sees Robert, and sits at the same table.

INT. DINING HALL – EVENING

Robert

Hello Trent, good to see you again.

Trent sits down but across the table from Robert

Trent

I usually don’t attend these events. But this year is different.

If I get the Outstanding Achievement Award it will mean

I’ll get into MIT graduate school.

Robert sits up in his chair upon hearing this.

Robert

(nervously) That would be great for you.

TRENT

The solar cell coating I invented ought to

win the Outstanding Achievement award.

Robert is silent.

TRENT

What do you plan to do after graduation?

ROBERT

(hesitantly) Oh, Graduate school somewhere. But not MIT,

I could never afford that.

TRENT

That is where my father got his PhD.

ROBERT

Also, I do not have the mathematical skills that you have.

TRENT

Well, it takes more than that to get ahead these days.

It is who you know more than what you know.

ROBERT

Oh, but you do have a great background, you get A’s

In all your classes.

TRENT

Yeh, but so will all the other applicants to MIT.

That’s why one must overcome weak spots,

grease the skids, so to speak.

ROBERT

(more confidently) You know, Trent, working on our senior project

was a good learning experience for me.

TRENT

That was a lot of fun. And we did really well. We

showed that my solar cell coating does increase

Photovoltaic Efficiency.

ROBERT

Absolutely! And it is quite a timely achievement

with all the emphasis on solar energy these days.

TRENT

But you know, that aside, in my essay that we had to

submit for this award, I did not say anything about

that. I submitted the accomplishments of my pedigree.

ROBERT

You mean your father?

TRENT

Yes, and his father also. My grandfather was issued

a patent for a high pressure shut-off valve used in

hydraulic brake systems.

I wanted to show them that creativity is in my genes.

ROBERT

Well, good luck. I know you will do well in your career.

Dinner plates were served. The Dean, at the Speakers table, stands up to announce the awards.

THE DEAN

And now we come to the final recognition. The

Outstanding Achievement Award. Each year, the

College of Engineering honors the individual whose

accomplishments far exceed the normal and will

have the most benefit to society. This year the

competition was so great that the judges required

written essays from each candidate to assist them

in finding the real winner.

He pauses while he opens the envelope.

THE DEAN

And the winner is: Robert Anderson, for his discovery

of an optical coating that has been shown to

increase the efficiency of solar cells.

TRENT

At the table Trent bursts out to Robert.

WHAT? That was my invention!

THE DEAN

Will Robert come forward to accept this Certificate

And Plaque?

Robert, quickly gets up and moves to the speaker’s table amid loud applause.

THE DEAN

Robert, this is a well-deserved recognition. Even

A small increase in solar cell efficiency will result in

Megawatts more energy worldwide. Your essay on

how you designed and developed that coating was

truly inspiring.

Congratulations.

Robert moves back to the table where Trent is sitting.

People are standing and applauding.

TRENT

I also want to congratulate you but in my

own way. Let’s go back to the Lab where it is quiet.

The DEAN dismisses the meeting and Trent and Robert go to the Lab.

INT. Engineering Lab – EVENING

TRENT

(Enraged) You liar! You knew this was my

Invention. All you did was work on the project

to demonstrate the proof of concept.

Trent grabs Robert by his shirt and slams him to the wall.

TRENT

What did you say about me in your essay?

That I was a causal contributor? You poor lying fool!

Trent slams Robert a second time to the wall. Trent’s rage continues to grow.

TRENT

Or did you mention me at all!

You are worse than a low-life. You will never amount

To anything.

Trent beats up on Robert.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell rewrite after video critiques

Annual Awards Banquet. Round tables set up. Robert comes in and finds an empty table and sits. Soon Trent comes into the hall, sees Robert, and sits at the same table.

INT. DINING HALL – EVENING

Robert

Hello Trent, good to see you again.

Trent sits down but across the table from Robert

Trent

I usually don’t attend these events. But this year is different.

If I get the Outstanding Achievement Award it will mean

I’ll get into MIT graduate school.

Robert sits up in his chair upon hearing this.

Robert

(nervously) That would be great for you.

TRENT

The solar cell coating I invented ought to

win the Outstanding Achievement award.

Robert is silent.

TRENT

What do you plan to do after graduation?

ROBERT

(hesitantly) Oh, Graduate school somewhere. But not MIT,

I could never afford that.

TRENT

That is where my father got his PhD.

ROBERT

Also, I do not have the mathematical skills that you have.

TRENT

Well, it takes more than that to get ahead these days.

It is who you know more than what you know.

ROBERT

Oh, but you do have a great background, you get A’s

In all your classes.

TRENT

Yeh, but so will all the other applicants to MIT.

That’s why one must overcome weak spots,

grease the skids, so to speak.

ROBERT

(more confidently) You know, Trent, working on our senior project

was a good learning experience for me.

TRENT

That was a lot of fun. And we did really well. We

showed that my solar cell coating does increase

Photovoltaic Efficiency.

ROBERT

Absolutely! And it is quite a timely achievement

with all the emphasis on solar energy these days.

TRENT

But you know, that aside, in my essay that we had to

submit for this award, I did not say anything about

that. I submitted the accomplishments of my pedigree.

ROBERT

You mean your father?

TRENT

Yes, and his father also. My grandfather was issued

a patent for a high pressure shut-off valve used in

hydraulic brake systems.

I wanted to show them that creativity is in my genes.

ROBERT

Well, good luck. I know you will do well in your career.

Dinner plates were served. The Dean, at the Speakers table, stands up to announce the awards.

THE DEAN

And now we come to the final recognition. The

Outstanding Achievement Award. Each year, the

College of Engineering honors the individual whose

accomplishments far exceed the normal and will

have the most benefit to society. This year the

competition was so great that the judges required

written essays from each candidate to assist them

in finding the real winner.

He pauses while he opens the envelope.

THE DEAN

And the winner is: Robert Anderson, for his discovery

of an optical coating that has been shown to

increase the efficiency of solar cells.

TRENT

At the table Trent bursts out to Robert.

WHAT? That was my invention!

THE DEAN

Will Robert come forward to accept this Certificate

And Plaque?

Robert, quickly gets up and moves to the speaker’s table amid loud applause.

THE DEAN

Robert, this is a well-deserved recognition. Even

A small increase in solar cell efficiency will result in

Megawatts more energy worldwide. Your essay on

how you designed and developed that coating was

truly inspiring.

Congratulations.

Robert moves back to the table where Trent is sitting.

People are standing and applauding.

TRENT

I also want to congratulate you but in my

own way. Let’s go back to the Lab where it is quiet.

The DEAN dismisses the meeting and Trent and Robert go to the Lab.

INT. Engineering Lab – EVENING

TRENT

(Enraged) You liar! You knew this was my

Invention. All you did was work on the project

to demonstrate the proof of concept.

Trent grabs Robert by his shirt and slams him to the wall.

TRENT

What did you say about me in your essay?

That I was a causal contributor? You poor lying fool!

Trent slams Robert a second time to the wall. Trent’s rage continues to grow.

TRENT

Or did you mention me at all!

You are worse than a low-life. You will never amount

To anything.

Trent beats up on Robert.

[Bill]

previous rewrite was improved, thus deleted.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Bill Southwell.

[Bill]

Lesson 5: Re-write after reading scenes from there writers

Bill Southwell 1st rewrite

Annual Awards Banquet. Round tables set up. Robert comes in and finds an empty table and sits. Soon Trent comes into the hall, sees Robert, and sits at the same table.

INT. DINING HALL – EVENING

Robert

Sit here Trent, we can chat.

Trent sits down but across the table from Robert

Trent

I usually don’t attend these events. But this year is different.

If I get the Outstanding Achievement Award it will mean

I’ll get into MIT graduate school.

Robert

That would be great for you.

TRENT

What do you plan to do after graduation?

ROBERT

Like you. Graduate school somewhere. But not MIT,

I could never afford that.

TRENT

That is where my father got his PhD.

ROBERT

Also, I do not have the mathematical skills that you have.

TRENT

Well, it takes more than that to get ahead these days.

It is who you know more than what you know.

ROBERT

Oh, but you do have a great background, you get A’s

In all your classes.

TRENT

Yeh, but so will all the other applicants to MIT.

ROBERT

Probably. It’s sad. My transcript is riddled with B’s

TRENT

That’s why one must overcome weak spots,

grease the skids, so to speak.

ROBERT

You know, Trent, my best learning experience in college

has been working with you on our senior project.

TRENT

That was a lot of fun. And we did really well. We did

show that our solar cell coating did increase

Photovoltaic Efficiency.

ROBERT

Absolutely! And it is quite a timely achievement

with all the emphasis on solar energy these days.

TRENT

But you know, that aside, in my essay that we had to

submit for this award, I did not say anything about

that. I submitted the accomplishments of my pedigree.

ROBERT

You mean your father?

TRENT

Yes, and his father also. My grandfather was issued

a patent for a high pressure shut-off valve used in

hydraulic brake systems.

I wanted to show them that creativity is in my genes.

ROBERT

Well, good luck. I know you will do well in your career.

Dinner plates were served. The Dean, at the Speakers table, stands up to announce the awards.

THE DEAN

And now we come to the final recognition. The

Outstanding Achievement Award. Each year, the

College of Engineering honors the individual whose

accomplishments far exceed the normal and will

have the most benefit to society. This year the

competition was so great that the judges required

written essays from each candidate to assist them

in finding the real winner.

He pauses while he opens the envelope.

THE DEAN

And the winner is: Robert Anderson, for his discovery

of an optical coating that has been shown to

increase the efficiency of solar cells.

TRENT

At the table Trent bursts out to Robert.

WHAT? That was my invention!

THE DEAN

Will Robert come forward to accept this Certificate

And Plaque?

Robert, quickly gets up and moves to the speaker’s table amid loud applause.

THE DEAN

Robert, this is a well-deserved recognition. Even

A small increase in solar cell efficiency will result in

Megawatts more energy worldwide. Your essay on

how you designed and developed that coating was

truly inspiring.

Congratulations.

Robert moves back to the table where Trent is sitting.

People are standing and applauding.

TRENT

I also want to congratulate you but in my

own way. Let’s go back to the Lab where it is quiet.

The DEAN dismisses the meeting and Trent and Robert go to the Lab.

INT. Engineering Lab – EVENING

TRENT

(Enraged) You liar! You knew this was my

Invention. You just worked on the project

to demonstrate the proof of concept. Your

essay must have been quite a tail—a total

lie!

Trent beats up on Robert.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Bill Southwell.

[Bill]

Lesson 4: Maximum Interest — Interest Techniques

Title: (Bill Southwell) Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing: By using interest techniques I have greatly improved this scene. I have learned how to capture the reader and hold them with these concepts.

The essence of this scene: This is the beginning of a serious decline of Charis’s health

Interest techniques used: Challenging situation, Suspense, Uncertainty (fear/hope)

INT. CONCERT HALL IN DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH. AFTERNOON.

CHARIS and BILL are watching CHARIS’ sister PATTY, age 16, dance in the Nutcracker Ballet matinee in downtown Pittsburgh. There is Music and dancing. It is Christmas Eve afternoon. Several minutes are seen and heard of this classical Christmas production. CHARIS and BILL applaud.

CHARIS

I really enjoyed that.

EXT. CAR – DAY

BILL and CHARIS are driving home from the ballet with PATTY in the back seat. It is starting to snow.

CHARIS

Patty, you did a great job.

PATTY

How did you like the performance?

The wheels spin as they pull out of the parking lot. A car honks at them as the car is not able to pickup speed

BILL

Oh, oh. The roads are slippery.

CHARIS

Oh, I enjoyed it. But the lead ballerina,

the Sugar Plum Fairy danced as though

she were frustrated. She seemed cold and hard.

She was not following the crescendos of

Tchaikovsky’s music.

The snow storm increases its intensity, visibility is poor. (This is contrast to the warm, peaceful ballet.)

BILL

This is a real blizzard. We didn’t expect this.

Snow builds up on the windshield.

BILL

It’s going to be a long drive home. Traffic is heavy,

all these last minute Christmas shoppers.

Suddenly, CHARIS develops a severe nosebleed. She clamors to find something to catch the blood.

PATTY

Here. Use my scarf.

CHARIS

Oh, I don’t want to ruin it

BILL

(intensely) Never mind that. We can clean it or replace it.

Tension mounts as the snow does not let up, neither does the nose bleed. (Now fear comes into play. The nosebleed could be a result of Charis’s long-standing kidney disease condition.) Bill reaches for Charis’ hand

CHARIS

I’m OK. You watch the road.

They drive on. Traffic eases as they get further out of downtown. Charis leans back holding the scarf to her nose and closes her eyes. (Hope sets in to somewhat offset the tension.) Patty is nervous but quite in the back seat.

Later as Bill continues to maneuver the car in the blinding snow storm, Charis drops her hand from holding the scarf. Her eyes closed, she is very quiet. Bill now becomes very fearful.

BILL

We are going directly to the emergency room of the hospital.

CHARIS

(weakly) Yes, I think that is best.

[Bill]

Lesson 3 Deep into Your Characters

Title: Bill Southwell Profiles People

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that characters must be true to their traits because that is what makes them distinct. Also, a gradient change in them will be evident as subtle changes in these traits occur in their journey.

Person 1. He is loud and makes all the girls laugh which makes him feel popular, and he is quite funny. However, he will secretly steel and shoplift. His traits are: Charming, Humorous, Selfish, Deceptive.

Person 2. She is impulsive, filling the shopping chart with what appeals to her at the moment. She has many projects going at one time but seldom able to finish any. Yet she is generous and the first to offer assistance to the poor and needy. Her traits are: Impulsive, Enthusiastic, Happy, Generous.

Person 3. This person is an artist with meticulous skills, a perfectionist that will spend hours to get things just right in his projects. He also has little patience for those who fail to perform as well as he can. He is not a good listener. His traits are: Artist, Achiever, Impatient, Non-social.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is: Each scene must in essence relate to the movie’s objectives.

Script I choose is: Charis

Scene 1 (Opening scene) INT Bobby’s bedroom Night

Logline: Bobby, age 2, after his mother leaves his bedroom crawls out of bed and runs into his older sisters’ room

Essence: Bobby wants to have his sister CHARIS, age 10, tell him a story.

New Essence: Bobby prefers the attention of Charis who is a special personality.

Scene 2: INT. CHARIS’ BEDROOM – NIGHT

Logline: While Bobby snuggles next to Charis, she animates reading from an old book by opening a folded pillow

Essence: Charis makes up a story to tell Bobby.

New Essence: Charis demonstrates her creative abilities with her jesters, voice, and storytelling.

Scene 3: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Logline: CHARIS, age 15 is sitting up in a hospital bed. Her mother AFTON enters carrying some library books from a reading list for home schooling. Charis sees they are teen novels, dismisses them, and asks for a history of Egypt.

Essence: Charis will be out of school while recuperating.

New Essence: Charis desires more challenging tasks to make the most of her time.

Scene 4: INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – DAY

Logline: Afton talks to the doctor and learns Charis’ prognosis: Rheumatoid arthritis.

Essence: Charis has a tragic chronic disease with no cure.

New Essence: Afton learns of Charis’ condition and is determined to seek medical understanding.

Scene 5: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – EVENING.

Logline: Later that evening CHARIS is alone writing in her diary.

ESSENCE: The essence of this scene is the revelation that CHARIS is processing her diagnosis. This sets the stage for her feelings going forward.

New Logline: Later that evening Charis writes in her diary that although depressed vows to make the most of her life.

New Essence: In a diary entry Charis expresses that this day is a turning point for her life.

Scene 6: INT. HOME. FAMILY ROOM – DAY

Logline: CHARIS, age 16, is sitting on the couch doing schoolwork. Her younger sister PATTY, age 10, is practicing ballet while Swan Lake is playing on the phonograph. CHARIS then writes in her diary.

ESSENCE: This scene establishes that CHARIS feels lonely.

New Logline: While PATTY practices ballet, CHARIS writes her feelings of loneliness in her diary.

New ESSENCE: While PATTY practices ballet, CHARIS feels a wave of sorrow and a longing for social contact—a letter from DALE.

[Bill]

Bill Southwell Finds the Essence

What I learned is every scene has a purpose to the story. The essence of the scene is that purpose. In my writing I must focus on this concept.

Script: Meet Joe Black (1998)

by Bo Goldman.

1. Scene 1 near the beginning.

Logline: SUSAN meets YOUNG MAN at coffee shop. He needs a doctor, she is a doctor, they converse boldly.

Essence: Honest expression initiates a bonding

2. Scene 2

Logline: Ester in hospital recognized Joe Black as DEATH.

Essence: Recognition that all must die, but Joe lingers

3. Scene 3 EXT. LAWNS, COUNTRY ESTATE – AFTERNOON

Logline: dialogue between Parish and Allison, his daughter, who he loves somewhat less than Susan his younger daughter.

Essence: Family love prevails yet personal biases persist

4. Scene 4

Logline: dialogue between Joe and QUINCE, Allison’s husband who unwittingly betrayed Parrish is convinced by Joe to confess

Essence: Honesty, repentance, and remorse are all uplifting virtues

5. Scene 5 near the end

Logline: Joe Black, DEATH, is finally taking WILLIM PARISH over the hill and is asked, “Should I be afraid?” He replied, “Not a man like you.”

My selection for the most profound essence: Joe Black learns the meaning of love through interaction with William Parish and Susan at the end of the script and rewards Susan for her love by restoring the young man whose body he used to experience mortality. The essence is that while adversity persists, love will prevail.

[Bill]

Hello, My name is Bill Southwell

I have written one script (probably not too good)

one weakness is dialogue. I hope to learn how write good dialogue for all characters.

I am 85 and have recently “retired to half time work load” so I can study screen writing. I see you are all experienced. I will learn form this class and perhaps from all of you as well.

[Bill]

AGREE, in which case, you Reply to this topic and include three things at the top of the page:

1. Your name. William H. Southwell (Bill)

2. The words “I agree to the terms of this release form.”

3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to

[Bill]

Assignment for Lesson 5: The Character Journey

I learned in this lesson that all characters can have a journey of their own. And that there is a sequence that makes the journey structured. C, B, and Dr.

Beginning: C in hospital room, “Boy am I popular” looks normal

Turning point: Diagnosis

Midpoint: Reckless car ride with friends, demands to be taken home. “Stop this! I have not … to die on the freeway”

Dilemma: To adopt

Turning point 2: results not favorable

Dilemma: not proceeding with dialysis

Climax: Outburst (alone) with Dr. (tenure)

Ending: meets loving Grandmother

[Bill]

Hello,

I am Bill. I am recently retired Physicist, now trying to write a screenplay. I have worked on one for decades, so one might say I have written a half script. My desire is to improve and finish it as a low budget, contained, product. I anticipate learning a great deal in this class and from all of you.

[Bill]

Thanks Shelley,

I know it is a year later, but I am just now getting back to screenwriting. I think you were the only one commenting on any of my lessons.

William

[Bill]

Mary Stoner’s squaw lady story. Intriguing. Like to know what happened outside. Cliffhanger.