[Blair Marino]

LOGLINE: Carley and Marcus partake in a game of wits during a poker game in the old west.

ESSENCE: Hunches can turn out to be true.
Scene:

INT. SALOON – LATE AFTERNOON

The only tavern in a hundred mile radius, the HOLE IN THE WALL is as fancy as you can get in the late eighteen hundreds Wyoming. CARLEY is a young saloon girl who serves drinks and entertains the patrons with singing and dancing. She weaves between the table making her rounds. Mayor TOM WATKINS grabs her arm as she walks by.

MAYOR TOM WATKINS
Dearest, could you get me another beer?

CARLEY
Yes Mr. Mayor.

The doors swing open and in walks MARCUS, the general store owner. He takes off his hat and wipes the dirt off the brim. He glances at Carley as he makes his way to the bar. CARSON the bartender is pouring a beer from the tap.

MARCUS
Get me a beer, Carson.

Carson hands Marcus a beer.

CARSON
Already got you one, Marcus.

He hands it to Marcus, who then takes a long drink. Carley rushes over to the bar and bumps into Marcus.

CARLEY
Move over, Marcus!

MARCUS
My apologies for you bumping into me.

Carley does a double take.

CARLEY
(to Carson)
Sweetheart, I need three more beers please.

Carson nods his head and gets more glasses.

MARCUS
(to Carley)
Sweetheart? Do I picture a courtship in the making?

Carson smirks as he fills up the glasses and hands Carley the beers. Carley winks at Marcus.

CARLEY
Wouldn't you like to know?
(to Carson)
Thank you very much.

Carley walks to the other side of the saloon. Carson shrugs at Marcus.

MARCUS
Save me a spot at one of the tables later.

Carson nods. Marcus gulps down the rest of his beer. He stands up and catches Carley's eye as he makes his way to the double swinging doors.

INT. SALOON – LATER

Smoke and boisterous patrons pack the saloon. A few saloon girls are singing along to a piano tune played by the Mayor, who appears to have had a few too many beers. The DEALER, Marcus, Carley, and seven other players sit at one of the many poker tables.

DEALER
Your turn to ante, Marcus.

Marcus looks at Carley and throws two of his wooden chips into the pile. The dealer then deals five cards to each of the players. A round of betting occurs. Two players fold. Carley discards two cards.

CARLEY
I raise.

Carley throws in three chips. The dealer discards two of his cards and deals two more cards to himself and Carley. Three players stand pat. Two players and Marcus throws in five chips for the raise.

MARCUS
I call.

Another round of betting, raising, and calling. Two more players fold. Carley throws six chips into the pot.

CARLEY
I raise.

The remaining players throw in their chips for the raise and call their hands. All eyes land on Carley. She reveals her four of a kind.

CARLEY
Read 'em and weep boys.

All the remaining player fold except Marcus. The dealer uncovers his three of a kind. Marcus pauses and reveals his hand.

MARCUS
Straight flush.

Carley sneers while the rest of the table guffaws.

CARLEY
Wow. That was one lucky hand.

Marcus gathers up his winnings.

MARCUS
I assure you no luck was involved.

CARLEY
So you're saying the deck was stacked?

Several players let out moans.

MARCUS
I know you didn't just call me a swindler.

CARLEY
If the shoe fits.

MARCUS
(quoting Shakespeare)
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

CARLEY
Excuse me?

MARCUS
You had a pretty lucky hand as well.

CARLEY
Oh, so now I'm the one who's cheating.

She leaps up.

CARLEY
I'm cashing out.

Carley gathers up her winnings and walks over to the bar.

MARCUS
I'm sorry you had to witness that, gentlemen. Anyone interested in another hand?

EXT. SALOON – LATER

Carley sits on a bench and looks up at the stars. Marcus exits the saloon and sees Carley.

MARCUS
Are you still upset at me for winning?

He walks over and sits down next to Carley.

CARLEY
I did not invite you over here.

MARCUS
Well, are you upset?

CARLEY
I don't have to answer that question.

MARCUS
Look, I'm sorry that it appears that I'm looking for an argument. I assure you I'm not.

Carley scoffs and scooches away from Marcus.

CARLEY
You could have fooled me.

Carley cools down a bit.

CARLEY
What are you looking for?

Marcus laughs.

MARCUS
Someone I can cheat at cards with.

Carley raises her eyebrows.

CARLEY
So you DID cheat!

Marcus looks at Carley.

MARCUS
Yes, I did. And I'm sorry I accused you of something that I was actually doing.

Carley grins.

MARCUS
What?

CARLEY
It appears you are better at cheating than me.

MARCUS
I knew it!

Marcus sighs. He looks up at the sky and then turns towards Carley.

MARCUS
You're the first person who has actually been able to crack my ingenuity.

CARLEY
Are you trying to flatter me?

MARCUS
Is it working?

CARLEY
Maybe.

Marcus and Carley look into each other's eyes and both lean in to kiss.

[Blair Marino]

LOGLINE: Carley and Marcus partake in a game of wits during a poker game in the old west.

ESSENCE: Hunches can turn out to be true.

SCENE:

INT. SALOON – LATE AFTERNOON

The only tavern in a hundred mile radius, the "Hole in the Wall" is as fancy as you can get in the late eighteen hundreds Wyoming. CARLEY is one of the young saloon girls who serves drinks and entertains the patrons with singing and dancing. She weaves between the table making her rounds. Mayor TOM WATKINS grabs her arm as she walks by.

MAYOR TOM WATKINS
Dearest, could you get me another beer?

CARLEY
Yes Mr. Mayor.

The doors swing open and in walks MARCUS, the general store owner. He takes off his hat and wipes the dirt off the brim. He glances at Carley as he makes his way to the bar. CARSON the bartender is pouring a beer from the tap.

MARCUS
Get me a beer, Carson.

Carson hands Marcus a beer.

CARSON
Already got you one, Marcus.

He hands it to Marcus, who then takes a long drink. Carley rushes over to the bar.

CARLEY
Hey sweetheart, I need three more beers.

Carson nods his head and gets more glasses.

MARCUS
(to Carley)
Sweetheart? Do I picture a courtship in the making?

Carson smirks as fills up the glasses and hands Carley the beers.

CARLEY
Wouldn't you like to know?
(to Carson)
Thank you very much.

Carley walks to the other side of the saloon. Carson shrugs at Marcus.

MARCUS
I'll be back later for poker.

Carson nods. Marcus gulps down the rest of his beer. He stands up and walks through the double swinging doors.

INT. SALOON – LATER

Smoke and boisterous patrons pack the saloon. A few saloon girls are singing along to a piano tune played by the Mayor, who appears to have had a few too many beers. The DEALER, Marcus, Carley, and seven other players sit with cards in their hands at one of the many poker tables.

DEALER
You're turn to ante, Marcus.

Marcus throws two of his wooden chips into the pile. The dealer then deals five cards to each of the players. A round of betting occurs. Two players fold. Carley discards two cards.

CARLEY
I raise.

Carley throws in three chips. The dealer discards two of his cards and deals two more cards to himself and Carley. Three players stand pat. Two players each raise. Marcus throws in five chips for the raise.

MARCUS
I call.

Another round of betting, raising, and calling. Two more players fold. Carley throws six chips into the pot.

CARLEY
I raise.

The remaining players throw in their chips for the raise and call their hands. All eyes land on Carley. She reveals her four of a kind. All the remaining player except Marcus fold. The dealer only has three of a kind. Marcus pauses and reveals his hand.

MARCUS
Straight flush.

Carley sneers while the rest of the table guffaws.

CARLEY
Wow. That was a lucky hand.

Marcus gathers up his winnings.

MARCUS
I assure you no luck was involved.

CARLEY
You sure that deck wasn't stacked?

Several players let out moans.

MARCUS
You calling me a swindler?

CARLEY
If the shoe fits.

MARCUS
(quoting Shakespeare)
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

CARLEY
I take offense to that.

MARCUS
You had a pretty lucky hand as well.

CARLEY
Oh, so now I'm the one who's cheating. I'm cashing out.

Carley gathers up her winnings and walks over to the bar.

MARCUS
I'm sorry you had to witness that, fellas. Anyone interested in another hand?

EXT. SALOON – LATER

Carley sits on a bench and looks up at the stars. Marcus exits the saloon and sees Carley.

MARCUS
Are you still upset about losing?

He walks over and sits down next to Carley.

CARLEY
I don't think I invited you over here.

MARCUS
Well, are you upset?

CARLEY
I don't have to answer that question.

MARCUS
Look, I'm sorry that it appears this way, but I'm not looking for an argument.

CARLEY
You could have fooled me.

Carley cools down a bit.

CARLEY
What are you looking for?

Marcus laughs.

MARCUS
Someone I can cheat at cards with.

Carley scoffs.

CARLEY
So you DID cheat.

Marcus looks at Carley.

MARCUS
Yes, I did. I'm sorry I accused you of something that I was doing.

Carley grins.

MARCUS
What?

CARLEY
It appears you were better at cheating than me.

MARCUS
I knew it!

Marcus sighs and looks into Carley's eyes.

MARCUS
You're the first person who has actually been able to crack my ingenuity.

CARLEY
Are you trying to flatter me?

MARCUS
Is it working?

CARLEY
Maybe.

Marcus and Carley look into each other's eyes and lean in to kiss.

[Blair Marino]

LOGLINE: Phillip invites Brandy over for drinks not knowing what Brandy has up her sleeve.
ESSENCE: Trader Traitor
SCENE:
INT. PHILLIP TAYLOR’S LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Thirty-five year old PHILLIP and thirty year old BRANDY sit on a couch drinking wine.

BRANDY
Thank you for inviting me over tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve been out. I also really appreciated attending your promotion celebration the other night. You definitely deserved it.

PHILLIP
Thank you. It appeared my scheming finally paid off.

Phillip half-smiles.

PHILLIP
Seriously though, it was great to finally be recognized as one of the best traders in the company.

BRANDY
I’ll want to be your shadow if I’m ever to be promoted. I can only dream of being in your position some day.

Phillip takes a sip of wine.

PHILLIP
You’ll get there. You’re one of the smartest and wittiest traders in our firm.

BRANDY
Well thank you. I find it helps to put a little amusement into the job.

The doorbell rings. Phillip stands up and walks to the door.

PHILLIP
Please excuse me. I have no idea who this can be.

INT. FRONT HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Phillip opens the door. Two well dressed FBI agents stand on the patio. Brandy walks behind Phillip.

FBI AGENT #1
Phillip Taylor?

PHILLIP
Yes.

FBI AGENT #1
You’re under arrest for participating in insider trading.

PHILLIP
I’m what?

BRANDY
Phillip, what’s going on?

FBI AGENT #1
And who are you, miss?

PHILLIP
She’s just a friend.

FBI AGENT #2
Please put your hands behind your back.

Phillip obliges. FBI Agent #2 cuffs Phillip.

PHILLIP
Wait, is this about the Schuller account? I had no idea what they were attempting and felt awful when I found out their intentions. I also immediately dropped their account. I promise you this is all a total misunderstanding. You must believe me.

BRANDY
He’s telling the truth! You gotta believe him.

FBI agent #2 glares at Brandy.

FBI AGENT #2
And how would you know that when you don’t even know the charges?

PHILLIP
Please. I’m telling you, she has nothing to do with whatever the charges are.

Phillip looks at Brandy.

PHILLIP
Brandy, you have to call CHARLES. He’ll know what to do.

The agents walk Phillip to their car. Brandy watches as Phillip gets into the car. She closes the door and walks to the living room.

INT. PHILLIP TAYLOR’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Brandy sits on the couch and dials her phone.

BRANDY
Hi Charles, it’s Brandy. It’s done. He’s been arrested.

CHARLES
Do you think he suspected anything?

BRANDY
Not at all. He actually tried to protect me from the agents.

CHARLES
Good work.

BRANDY
This is the end of my part of the plan. When am I going to be promoted to V.P.?

CHARLES
All in good time.

BRANDY
You promised that I would be V.P. after all of this!

CHARLES
Yes I did. You must be patient with the process.

Charles hangs up the phone. Brandy looks pissed.

[Blair Marino]

Blair's QE cycle #5 scene:
LOGLINE: Phillip invites Brandy over for drinks not knowing what Brandy has up her sleeve.
ESSENCE: Trader Traitor
SCENE:
INT. PHILLIP TAYLOR'S LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Thirty-five year old PHILLIP and thirty year old BRANDY sit on a couch drinking wine.

BRANDY
I'm so glad you invited me over tonight. It's been a long time since I have been out. I've been thinking about you a lot since your promotion celebration the other night.

PHILLIP
It was great to finally be recognized as one of the best traders in the company.

Phillip takes a sip of wine.

PHILLIP
I have been wanting to ask you over for a while. I find you to be the wittiest trader in our firm.

BRANDY
Well thank you. I find it helps to put a little amusement into the job.

The doorbell rings. Phillip stands up and walks to the door.

PHILLIP
Please excuse me. I have no idea who this can be.

INT. FRONT HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Phillip opens the door. Two FBI agents stand on the patio.

FBI AGENT #1
Phillip Taylor?

PHILLIP
Yes.

FBI AGENT #1
You're under arrest for participating in insiders trading.

PHILLIP
I'm what?

Brandy rushes to the front door.

FBI AGENT #2
Please put your hands behind your back.

Phillip obliges. FBI Agent #2 cuffs Phillip.

PHILLIP
Wait, is this about the Schuller account? I had no idea what they were attempting and felt awful when I found out what and I immediately dropped their account. I promise you this is all a total misunderstanding. You must believe me.

BRANDY
He's telling the truth! You gotta believe him.

FBI AGENT #1
This is not a trial. The specific charges will be explained when we get to the bureau.

PHILLIP
Brandy, call CHARLES. He'll know what to do.

The agents walk Phillip to their car. Brandy watches as Phillip gets into the car. She closes the door and walks to the living room.

INT. PHILLIP TAYLOR'S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Brandy sits and dials her phone.

BRANDY
Hi Charles, it's Brandy. It's done. He's been arrested.

CHARLES
Do you think he suspected anything?

BRANDY
Not at all. I even pled his case to the agents.

CHARLES
Good work.

BRANDY
This is the end of my part of the plan. When am I going to be promoted to V.P.?

CHARLES
All in good time.

BRANDY
You promised that I would be V.P. after all of this!

CHARLES
Yes I did. You must be patient with the process.

Charles hangs up the phone. Brandy looks pissed.

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is that it takes some time to implement interest techniques into a script.
Logline: John joins Patrick on a trip to a beach resort not knowing what Patrick has in store there.
Interest technique ideas:
1. STRUCTURAL
A. Suspense.
John is plotting a way to get back at Patrick for botching a past criminal scheme, but it isn’t revealed right away.
B. Major twist.
John pretends that he wants to have a truce, but in reality, he’s setting Patr.
C. Surprise.
While John is plotting Patrick’s fall, it is revealed that Patrick is romantically involved with John’s sister Julie.
D. Put in a More Interesting Setting
John invites Patrick to a vacation resort on an island
E. Mislead / Reveal.
While John is setting Patrick up to take a fall, Patrick is actually using John in a plot to steal an Emerald from a person from John’s past.
F. Superior Position / Dramatic Irony
John’s sister, Julie, is secretly invited to the resort by Patrick. While at the resort, we find out that Julie has been recruited by the FBI to help take down a separate crime ring that involves John and Patrick, but Julie doesn’t know that they’re involved.
G. Uncertainty — hope / fear
Patrick finds out about Julie being in the FBI. Patrick confronts Julie and Julie states that she is trying to help Patrick escape. John finds out about the plan and confronts Julie about it.
H. Intrigue
Julie isn’t sure if she’s going to be able to help Patrick escape.
I. Mystery
Patrick steals the valuable from the mark at the resort but we don’t know how Patrick was able to pull it off.
J. Cliffhanger
John tips off Julie about a crime. Patrick is confronted by Julie about the emerald.
K. Dilemma
Will Patrick turn himself in to Julie or will he run?
L. Something unseen
The person who’s emerald is stolen is actually a part of a sting operation.
2. CHARACTER
A. Character changes radically.
John’s sister Julie is actually is in the FBI.
B. Betrayal.
John betrays Patrick by tipping him off to Julie.
C. Dilemma
Julie realizes that Patrick is the criminal she has been chasing, but she also realizes that she has feelings for him.
D. Uncomfortable Moment
John finds out that Patrick is romantically involved with his sister.
E. Misinterpretation
John doesn’t know that Julie is an agent and once he finds out, he has second thoughts about betraying Patrick.

3. DIALOGUE
A. Hook
Patrick invites Julie to the resort.
B. Predictions
“This might be a lot easier with you knowing him.”
C. Creating a Future
Patrick thanking John for joining him to steal the emerald. “Give it some more time…”
D. Anticipatory Dialogue
When Patrick says, “You know him? That’s the mark.”

Scene:
EXT. BEACH RESORT POOL – MORNING

JOHN and his co-worker PATRICK both wear sun glasses while sipping fancy drinks in beach chairs by the pool.

PATRICK
Thanks for joining me here to help with the mark. I know I owe you two now after I botched that last burglary.

JOHN
I've known you for a while and we can all slip up now and then.

PATRICK
Well, you're generous in your forgiveness.

JOHN
Besides, I couldn't turn down a trip to this wonderful resort.

They continue drinking and people watching. A tall man in a Fedora sits at a table across the pool. John recognizes the man and gestures to him.

JOHN
That's Clayton Johnson. I went to high school with him.

Patrick looks across the pool. He raises his eye brows.

PATRICK
You know him? He's the mark.

JOHN
Say what now?

PATRICK
That's the guy I plan to steal the Emerald Verde he's currently transporting from Columbia.

JOHN
Is that why you invited me here? Because I know him?

PATRICK
Of course not. I had no idea that you knew him.

Patrick takes a sip of his drink.

PATRICK
You know, this might be a lot easier with you knowing him.

JOHN
I'm not so sure about this now.

Patrick stands up.

PATRICK
Why, because you went to high school with him? Give it some more thought. I'm due for a nap.

Patrick walks towards the hotel. John takes off his sun glasses and looks over at CLAYTON.

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY – LATER

Patrick scans the key to the door and enters the room.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The shower is heard running in the bathroom. Patrick puts his sun glasses on the nightstand. The shower stops running. Patrick taps on the bathroom door. He opens the door to JULIE, covering herself with a towel.

INT. HOTEL BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

PATRICK
Whoa, it's steamy in here.

JULIE
Yeah, I took a hot shower.

PATRICK
Or, are you just really hot?

Patrick wraps his arms around Julie's shoulders. Julie smirks.

JULIE
I need to dry off.

PATRICK
Okay, okay.

Patrick leaves the bathroom and closes the door behind him.

INT. HOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Patrick lays down on the bed and looks at his phone. Julie opens the bathroom door. She dries her hair with a towel.

JULIE
You know, I don't think my brother is going to be too thrilled when he finds out that I'm here.

PATRICK
Who says we have to tell him?

JULIE
So, I'm supposed to stay cooped up in this room the whole week?

PATRICK
I didn't say that. There are so many places here to explore, I'm sure John will never find out.

JULIE
I do have some work to catch up on while I'm here.

PATRICK
Seriously?

JULIE
It seems that I have some time to work now.

PATRICK
I guess you're right.

Patrick gives Julie a kiss.

PATRICK
I'm going to take a shower now.

JULIE
Yeah, you are a little ripe.

Patrick gives a fake laugh. He enters the bathroom and closes the door. The sound of the water running is heard. Julie finishes getting dressed and takes out her laptop. She listens for Patrick to enter the shower. She dials a number on her phone. It rings once on the other end.

JULIE
Yes I'm here.

She listens to person on the other end.

JULIE
He's taking a shower now.

She continues to listen to the person on the other end.

EXT. BEACH RESORT POOL – LATER

John is sitting next to Clayton under an umbrella.

JOHN
So how long has it been, Clayton?

CLAYTON
At least twenty years I would say.

JOHN
What bring you here?

CLAYTON
I'm meeting a client who is interested in an emerald I have.

JOHN
Wow. That wouldn't happen to be the Emerald Verde, would it?

CLAYTON
How do you know about that?

John takes off his sun glasses.

JOHN
Because I know someone who wants to steal it.

Clayton looks perplexed.

[Blair Marino]

Blair's Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment was: creating reveals in scenes can add layers of interest for audience members.
Logline: A visit with the school principal turns south quickly as Kyle digs for answers to why Chelsea continues to be bullied.
Used the Demand/ Cover up/Reveal structure
Scene:
INT. ADMINISTRATORS OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER

Kyle opens the door to the office and walks to the receptionist's desk. The receptionist looks at Kyle.

RECEPTIONIST
May I help you?

KYLE
Yes, I am Kyle Walker here to see Dr. Adams.

RECEPTIONIST
Dr. Adams is finishing up a call. I will let her know you're here.

KYLE
Thank you.

The receptionist leaves the room. Kyle sits down in a chair nearby. He grabs a magazine next to him and flips the pages. Dr. Adams comes out of her office. She is black and in her late forties.

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Walker?

Kyle stands up.

KYLE
Yes.

Dr. Adams extends her hand to shake Kyle's hand.

DR. ADAMS
Please come into my office.

INT. DR. ADAMS' OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

They both walk into the office and Dr. Adams closes the door.

DR. ADAMS
Have a seat.

She gestures to a chair and Kyle sits down. Dr. Adams sits down at her desk.

DR. ADAMS
I apologize for having to call you in like this. Chelsea is with the school nurse right now. She seems to have calmed down some, but she was having a hard time with her head jerking tic during class. Ms. Wright thought that Chelsea was having a tic attack and she alerted the school nurse.

KYLE
Can I see Chelsea?

DR. ADAMS
Yes, the nurse knows you're here and will bring her in.

KYLE
Okay.

Kyle glances around the room.

KYLE
Chelsea's tics have become more frequent and severe since the accident.

DR. ADAMS
Yes, I understand. I know that Chelsea's been through a lot.

There is a knock on the door.

DR. ADAMS
Come in.

The school nurse and Chelsea come into the office. Chelsea looks upset when she sees Kyle.

CHELSEA
Hi.

Dr. Adams looks at the nurse.

DR. ADAMS
Thank you, Rita.

Rita leaves and closes the door behind her. Chelsea sits down in a chair next to Kyle.

DR. ADAMS
Chelsea, I called your Dad in because we are concerned about what happened today in class.

Chelsea avoids eye contact with Dr. Adams.

CHELSEA
Am I in trouble?

KYLE
No, Sweetheart. We want to help you with your tics when you have a tic attack.

CHELSEA
I don't know why I couldn't stop jerking my head. I tried. Some of the kids were laughing at me and making fun of my tics.

KYLE
I'm sorry, honey.

Kyle looks at Dr. Adams.

KYLE
Would it be okay if I talked to you alone for a minute?

DR. ADAMS
Yes, of course.

KYLE
Thank you.

Kyle looks at Chelsea.

KYLE
Sweetie, would you mind sitting outside for a few minutes while I speak to Dr. Adams?

Chelsea nods and exits the office.

KYLE
Chelsea tells me that some of the children in her class continually tease her when she tics.

DR. ADAMS
(interrupting)
Ms. Wright is doing all that she can to help Chelsea.

KYLE
I understand, but the teasing has gotten worse this past week. I really think Chelsea is absolutely entitled to an IEP now with her increased tics in the classroom.

DR. ADAMS
Yes, I agree. I will initiate the eligibly requirements with Ms. Wright. I will also need to receive your request in writing as soon as possible. Please understand that since we are almost finished with the school year, Chelsea may not be able to have accommodations until next year.

KYLE
Okay. As you know, I already wrote a request for an IEP at the beginning of the year and was denied. Why do I need to make another request?

DR. ADAMS
It needs to be a separate request.

KYLE
Fine. In terms of eligibility, I hope you fully understand Chelsea's predicament at this time. Her increasing tics have put a target on her back.

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Walker, We have a zero tolerance policy for bullying and there are disciplinary actions in place for violations.

KYLE
Have the children in Chelsea's class been disciplined?

DR. ADAMS
Do you think Chelsea is being bullied?

KYLE
Why are you answering my question with a question? Yes, I think she is being bullied. What has Ms. Wright done about the bullying in her class?

DR. ADAMS
I will have to ask Ms. Wright that.

KYLE
Wait. You don't know? You just said that the school has a zero tolerance policy. If that's the case, why would you need to ask Ms. Wright if she has disciplined anyone?

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Walker, this is a large school with many teachers. I can't know everything that goes on in each of our classrooms.

KYLE
(sarcastically)
Well, that's reassuring.

Kyle opens the office door and motions for Chelsea to come with him.

KYLE
I'm taking Chelsea home now. Perhaps you should check in with Ms. Wright and find out what she's doing about the bullying in her class.

Kyle and Chelsea walk out of the office.

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s character relationships
What I learned doing this assignment was that it’s fun to play around with different character traits to make character relationships more interesting.
Top four characters:
Kyle—determined, emotionally broken, protective, introspective
Chelsea—fidgety, caring, independent, sensitive
Terri—tenacious, adventurous, envious, overachiever
Sherri—calm, impatient, go-getter, wise

Kyle/Chelsea:
Put Kyle’s emotionally broken with Chelsea’s sensitivity and they will be able to work together during their grief. This is their rapport.
Put Kyle’s determined with Chelesa’s fidgety and there is conflict and contrast when they have to deal with the outside world.
Put Kye’s protective with Chelsea’s independent and there is competition.
Put Kyle’s introspective and Chelsea’s caring and there is rapport and subtext.

Kyle/Terri:
Put Kyle’s determined with Terri’s tenacious and they will have rapport.
Put Kyle’s introspective and Terri’s overachiever and there is contrast and some conflict.
Put Kyle’s emotionally broken and Terri’s envious and there is subtext.
Put Kyle’s protective and Terri’s adventurous and there is some competition.

Kyle/Sherri:
Put Kyle’s determined and Sherri’s go-getter and there is a rapport.
Put Kyle’s emotionally broken and Sherri’s impatient and there is conflict and subtext.
Put Kyle’s introspective and Sherri’s wise can add some competition.
Put Kyle’s protective and Sherri’s calm can provide some contrast.

[Blair Marino]

LOGLINE: Maxine confides with Renee about her pregnancy and the dominoes start to fall.

ESSENCE: Trust no one in High School.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Maxine from snobbish to panicky.

SCENE: INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

A sterile hallway contains lockers lined up and down two parallel walls. Seventeen year old MAXINE turns the combination lock to her locker and opens it. Sixteen year old RENEE approaches Maxine.

RENEE
Hey!

Maxine jumps.

MAXINE
You startled me!

RENEE
Sorry, Hun. How are you feeling?

Maxine suspiciously looks around.

MAXINE
Shhh! Keep your voice down.

Renee looks around the hall and gestures to the students.

RENEE
Look around, Max. No one here is listening. We're all just a bunch of obedient automatons counting down the days until we can walk out of this public school prison.

Maxine takes some books out from her locker.

MAXINE
(softly)
To answer your question, I'm anxious as shit. My suspicion was correct.

RENEE
You mean you're pregnant?

Maxine nods.

RENEE
Oh my god. What do you think's gonna happen when people find out?

MAXINE
That's why you have to promise that you will not tell anyone. I will never forgive you if you let this get out. And Jack really can't find out, not after what he did to me right after he dumped me.

Maxine's eye's dart around as if she was looking for someone.

MAXINE
I am still intensely triggered whenever I see him.

RENEE
I know you think I'm overly prim at times, but I promise I won't tell a soul.

MAXINE
Good. I can't let anything get in my way with Mitch.

Renee scowls and stares at Maxine.

RENEE
Wait. What? When did Mitch come into the picture?

MAXINE
Like now. Our parents have been friends forever and they're coming over to our house for dinner tonight. If I play my cards right, Mitch will be my date to prom.

Renee raises her eyebrows.

RENEE
Do you really think that's a good idea with what's going on in your present situation?

Renee gestures to Maxine's stomach.

MAXINE
He's not going to find out!

RENEE
Okay. Okay. I gotta run. I'm late for volleyball practice. Later.

Maxine closes her locker and Renee walks down the hallway.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM – LATER

Loud voices and sneaker squeaks echo through the gym. Renee stands to the side of a net as the rest of the volleyball team warms up. Renee blows a whistle hanging from her neck. The gym noise slowly silences.

RENEE
Coach is going to be about twenty minutes late, so I will be leading and joining the drills until then.

PLAYER
You go, Captain!

The team laughs. Renee smirks.

RENEE
We're going to start out with some serves and receives. Everyone go to your assigned side.

Renee joins the other players for the drill.

INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM – LATER

Renee dries her hair with a towel. She sits down on a bench in front of her open locker. Another player, KELLY, sits down next to her.

KELLY
You okay, Renee? You seemed off your game today.

RENEE
I know. I've got a lot on my mind.

KELLY
Like what?

RENEE
Well for one, I found out that Maxine is trying to coax Mitch into going to prom with her.

KELLY
What? Doesn't Maxine know that you have always liked Mitch?

RENEE
I don't think she cares.

Renee continues to get dressed.

RENEE
And unless she does something soon, she may not be able to fit into a prom dress much longer.

Kelly raises her eyebrows. Another student, EMILY, stands to the side of the lockers and eavesdrops. Renee pretends to be embarrassed.

RENEE
Oh shit. I don't know why I said that.

KELLY
Is Maxine pregnant?

RENEE
I swore I wouldn't tell. Please don't tell anyone.

KELLY
I won't.

Emily quietly walks away.

RENEE
She really did it this time. I know she can be reckless, but this takes the cake.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – MORNING

Chatter and sounds of lockers opening and closing. Renee hastily tries to get a book out of her locker. All eyes are on Maxine as she beelines to Renee.

MAXINE
How could you?

Renee flinches.

RENEE
I'm so sorry, Max. I didn't mean to let it slip. I told Kelly not to tell anyone.

MAXINE
She didn't. It was Emily.

Renee sighs loudly. Students continue to whisper and stare at Maxine.

MAXINE
I'm totally screwed. Mitch found out and told his parents, who of course told my parents.

RENEE
Wow. Word travels fast.

MAXINE
I can't believe this is my life right now. First Jack and now this.

Maxine glances around the hallway.

MAXINE
Mitch did ask me to prom, but I doubt he's going to still want to go with me. I'm freaking out!

RENEE
It's going to be okay, Max. I've got your back.

Maxine frowns at Renee and darts towards the girl's bathroom. Renee gives a sly smile.

[Blair Marino]

LOGLINE: Renee is unable to keep Maxine's pregnancy a secret from the whole high school.
ESSENCE: Trust no one.
TRAIT I CHANGED: Maxine's snobbish to panicky
SCENE:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

A sterile hallway contains lockers lined up and down two parallel walls. Seventeen year old MAXINE turns the combination lock to her locker and opens it. Sixteen year old RENEE approaches Maxine.

RENEE
Hey!

Maxine jumps.

MAXINE
You startled me!

RENEE
Sorry, Hun. How are you feeling?

Maxine suspiciously looks around.

MAXINE
Shhh! Keep your voice down.

Renee looks around the hall and gestures to the students.

RENEE
Look around, Max. No one here is listening. We're all just a bunch of obedient automatons counting down the days until we get out of this public school prison.

Maxine takes some books out from her locker.

MAXINE
(softly)
To answer your question, I feel like shit. It was confirmed at the clinic that I am indeed pregnant.

RENEE
Oh my god.

MAXINE
You have to promise that you will not tell anyone. I can't let it get back to Jack. Since we broke up, I am still intensely triggered whenever I see him.

RENEE
I know you think I'm overly prim at times, but I promise I won't tell a soul.

MAXINE
Good. I can't let anything get in my way with Mitch.

Renee scowls and stares at Maxine.

RENEE
Since when do you like Mitch?

MAXINE
Since now. Our parents have been friends forever and they are coming over to our house for dinner tonight. If I play my cards right, Mitch will be my date to prom.

Renee raises her eyebrows.

RENEE
Well, good luck with that. I gotta run. I'm late for volleyball practice.

MAXINE
Later.

Maxine closes her locker and Renee walks down the hallway.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM – LATER

Loud voices and sneaker squeaks echo through the gym. Renee stands to the side of a net as the rest of the volleyball team warms up. Renee blows a whistle hanging from her neck. The gym noise slowly silences.

RENEE
Coach is going to be about twenty minutes late, so I will be leading and joining the drills until then.

PLAYER
You go, Captain!

The team laughs. Renee smirks.

RENEE
We're going to start out with some serves and receives. Everyone go to your assigned side.

Renee joins the other players for the drill.

INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM – LATER

Renee dries her hair with a towel. She sits down on a bench in front of her open locker. Another player, KELLY, sits down next to her.

KELLY
You okay, Renee? You seemed off your game today.

RENEE
I know. I've got a lot on my mind.

KELLY
Like what?

RENEE
Well for one, I found out that Maxine is trying to get Mitch to go to prom with her.

KELLY
What? Doesn't Maxine know that you have always liked Mitch?

RENEE
Apparently not.

Renee continues to get dressed.

RENEE
And unless she does something soon, she may not be able to fit in a prom dress much longer.

Kelly raises her eyebrows. Another player stands to the side of the lockers and eavesdrops. Renee pretends to be embarrassed.

RENEE
Oh shit. I don't know why I said that.

KELLY
Is Maxine pregnant?

RENEE
I swore I wouldn't tell. Please don't tell anyone.

KELLY
I won't.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – MORNING

Chatter and sounds of lockers opening and closing. Renee quickly tries to get a book out of her locker. All eyes are on Maxine as she beelines to Renee.

MAXINE
How could you?

Renee flinches.

RENEE
I'm so sorry, Max. I didn't mean to let it slip. I told Kelly not to tell anyone.

MAXINE
She didn't. It was Emily.

Renee sighs loudly. Students continue to whisper and stare at Maxine.

MAXINE
I'm totally screwed. Mitch found out and told his parents, who of course told my parents.

RENEE
Wow. Word travels fast.

MAXINE
No shit! It's high school.

Maxine glances around the hallway.

MAXINE
Mitch did ask me to prom, but now I don't know if he's going to still want to go with me. I'm freaking out!

RENEE
It's going to be okay, Max. I've got your back.

Maxine frowns at Renee and darts towards the girl's bathroom. Renee gives a sly smile.

[Blair Marino]

This is my rewrite of the Lesson 14 scene:

INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS BRIEFING ROOM – MORNING

The briefing room is stuffy and filled with way too many florescent lights. POLICE CHIEF RYAN displays his large physique and salt-n-pepper hair as he finishes up the first shift briefing.

POLICE CHIEF RYAN
And lastly, OFFICERS NANCY and SQUIRE are assigned to mobile patrol on the Northeast beat.

Thirty-something Officer Nancy glances across the room at the handsome Officer Squire, who catches her gaze.

POLICE CHIEF RYAN
Thank you and stay safe out there.

The twenty-plus officers stand up and shuffle out of the room. Officer Squire makes his way over to Officer Nancy.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Did you have something to do with this assignment, Nancy?

OFFICER NANCY
Me? Now why would you ask that? Today is just your lucky day.

OFFICER SQUIRE
We'll see how lucky this day will be.

OFFICER NANCY
(smirking)
Is that a promise?

They both stride over to the exit door.

EXT. POLICE PARKING LOT – LATER

Officer Nancy makes a bee-line to the driver's side of the squad car. She opens the door. Officer Squire walks to the passenger side and balks.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Why do you assume that you will be driving?

Officer Nancy looks over the car roof at Officer Squire.

OFFICER NANCY
Because I'm always the driver.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Seriously?

OFFICER NANCY
Yep.

Officer Nancy enters the car. Officer Squire scoffs. He opens the passenger door and sits.

INT. POLICE PATROL CAR – CONTINUOUS

OFFICER SQUIRE
I really don't think it's fair that I can't drive.

OFFICER NANCY
I've seen you drive.

Officer Nancy starts the car and backs up. Officer Squire shakes his head.

INT. POLICE PATROL CAR – LATER

Officer Nancy grins as she and Officer Squire continue with their light banter.

OFFICER SQUIRE
So, what if I bought you lunch today? Can I drive then?

OFFICER NANCY
Is that a bribe?

OFFICER SQUIRE
No, just an invitation.

Officer Nancy quickly looks over at Officer Squire.

OFFICER NANCY
We'll see.

Officer Squire grins.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Do you mind if we make a quick stop by my bank before we go to lunch? It's right down the street.

OFFICER NANCY
Yeah, sure.

EXT. BANK PARKING LOT – LATER

Officer Nancy parks and Officer Squire get out of the patrol car.

OFFICER SQUIRE
I just need to use the ATM. I won't be long.

He walks to the front bank entrance and goes inside.

INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

Officer Squire waits in line at the ATM.

EXT. BANK PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

Three armed robbers with masks over their faces enter the bank from a side entrance.

INT. BANK LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

The three masked robbers barge into the lobby. MASKED WOMAN raises her gun in the air. There are audible gasps.

MASKED WOMAN
Okay everyone, listen to me very carefully. I want you all to put your cell phones into the box that my friend here has.

Masked Woman points to the MASKED MAN #1, who then directs everyone to put their phones into the box they're holding.

MASKED WOMAN
Once you put your phone into the box, you are to lay face down on the floor.

Masked Man #1 continues around the room collecting phones. MASKED MAN #2 directs the people to lay down. Officer Squire quickly hides his backup gun behind the large column to his side. Masked man #1 notices Officer Squire.

MASKED MAN #1
Oh shit! We have a boy in blue over here!

Officer Squire takes in a deep breath. Masked woman walks over and points her gun at Officer Squire.

MASKED WOMAN
You're not going to create problems for us, are you Mr. Boy in Blue?

OFFICER SQUIRE
Now why would I do that?

MASKED WOMAN
Hand over your gun.

Officer Squire takes his primary gun out of the holster and hands it to the Masked Woman.

INT. POLICE PATROL CAR – MOMENTS LATER

Officer Nancy sits waiting in the car.

DISPATCHER
Attention all units, we have a 10-30 at 3659 Main Street. Silent alarm was triggered and suspects are armed and considered dangerous. Please proceed with caution.

Officer Nancy looks at the numbers on the building and picks up the radio microphone.

OFFICER NANCY
10-4 Dispatch. I'm at 3659 Main Street. We also have a 10-13.

DISPATCHER
Please wait for back up. ETA five minutes.

OFFICER NANCY
(to herself)
We probably don't have five minutes.

Officer Nancy gets out of the car with gun in hand. She sprints to the side of the bank and finds another entrance.

INT. BANK LOBBY – LATER

Officer Squire is laying on the ground by the column with the hidden gun. Masked Woman stands guard in the lobby.

MASKED WOMAN
We'll be out of your hair in a minute folks.

Officer Squire sees Officer Nancy quietly enter through the side door.

OFFICER SQUIRE
(to Masked Woman)
Your voice sounds very familiar. Didn't we date once?

Masked Woman turns towards Officer Squire.

MASKED WOMAN
You're funny. I don't like funny.

Masked Man #1 and #2 walk into the lobby with large bags of money in hand. Officer Nancy sizes up the lobby and the bank robbers. She steps out from hiding and points her gun at Masked Man #1 and #2.

OFFICER NANCY
Freeze!

The two Masked Men turn around to face Officer Nancy. The Masked Woman draws her gun on Officer Nancy.

MASKED WOMAN
Not so fast.

Officer Squire jumps up and grabs his backup gun. The Masked Woman hears Officer Squire and shoots him in the leg.

OFFICER SQUIRE
AHHHH!

Officer Squire lands on the floor. Officer Nancy shoots and misses the Masked Woman. Masked Man #2 grabs a line divider pole and knocks down Officer Nancy. Officer Squire fires shots at the Masked Woman and hits her in the shoulder. Masked Man #2 grabs the Masked woman's other arm.

MASKED MAN #2
We gotta get out of here!

The three Masked Robbers escape out the side door leaving a trail of blood. Officer Nancy struggles to stand up and radios for an ambulance. She makes her way over to Office Squire.

OFFICER NANCY
Are you okay?

Officer Squire's hand covers his wound.

OFFICER SQUIRE
I don't know.

Police sirens are heard. Bank customers orient themselves.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Next time, aim for her leg.

OFFICER NANCY
You couldn't even aim for her leg.

OFFICER SQUIRE
That's because I was shot in the leg!

Officer Nancy looks around the lobby.

OFFICER NANCY
I don't know how far they will be able to get with that wound.

[Blair Marino]

LOGLINE: Officer Nancy and Officer Squire’s lucky day.
ESSENCE: Patience sometimes is better than action.
SCENE:
INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS BRIEFING ROOM – MORNING

The briefing room is stuffy and filled with way too many florescent lights. POLICE CHIEF RYAN displays his large physique and salt-n-pepper hair during the briefing to the first shift officers.

POLICE CHIEF RYAN
And lastly, OFFICERS NANCY and SQUIRE are assigned to mobile patrol on the Northeast beat.

Thirty-something Officer Nancy glances across the room at the handsome Officer Squire, who catches her gaze.

POLICE CHIEF RYAN
Thank you and stay safe out there.

The twenty-plus officers stand up and shuffle out of the room. Officer Squire makes his way over to Officer Nancy.

OFFICER NANCY
Did you have something to do with this assignment, Squire?

OFFICER SQUIRE
Me? Now why would you ask that? Today is just your lucky day.

OFFICER NANCY
We'll see how lucky this day will be.

OFFICER SQUIRE
(smirking)
Is that a promise?

Officer Nancy sneers and storms out of the briefing room. Officer Squire's eyes follow her and he gives a sly smile.

EXT. POLICE PARKING LOT – LATER

Officer Nancy makes a bee-line to the driver's side of the squad car. She opens the door. Officer Squire balks.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Why do you assume that you will be in the driver's seat?

Officer Nancy looks over the car roof at Officer Squire.

OFFICER NANCY
Because I'm always the driver.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Seriously?

OFFICER NANCY
Yep.

Officer Nancy enters the car. Officer Squire scoffs. He opens the passenger door and sits.

INT. POLICE PATROL CAR – CONTINUOUS

OFFICER SQUIRE
So, what if I want to drive?

OFFICER NANCY
Not gonna happen.

Officer Nancy starts the car and backs up. Officer Squire shakes his head.

INT. POLICE PATROL CAR – LATER

Officer Nancy grins as she and Officer Squire continue with their light banter.

OFFICER NANCY
So, I have a confession to make. I asked the Chief if we could be assigned together.

OFFICER SQUIRE
You couldn't resist me any longer, could you?

Officer Nancy lets out a snort.

OFFICER NANCY
You are one of the best officers at the station. I just wanted to work with you and size you up.

OFFICER SQUIRE
I guess I should be flattered?

OFFICER NANCY
(smirking)
Yes, you should.

Officer Squire smiles.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Listen, do you mind if we make a short stop by my bank before we go to lunch? It's right down the street.

OFFICER NANCY
Yeah, sure.

EXT. BANK PARKING LOT – LATER

Officer Nancy parks and Officer Squire get out of the patrol car.

OFFICER SQUIRE
I just need to use the ATM. I won't be long.

He walks to the front bank entrance and goes inside.

INT. BANK LOBBY – MOMENTS LATER

Officer Squire waits in line at the ATM.

EXT. BANK PARKING LOT – MOMENTS LATER

Three armed people with masks over their faces enter the bank from a side entrance.

INT. BANK LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

The three masked people walk into the lobby. MASKED WOMAN raises her gun in the air. There are audible gasps.

MASKED WOMAN
Okay everyone, listen to me very carefully. I want you all to put your cell phones into the box that my friend here has.

Masked Woman points to the MASKED MAN #1, who then directs everyone to put their phones into the box they're holding.

MASKED WOMAN
Once you put your phone into the box, you are to lay face down on the floor.

Masked Man #1 continues around the room collecting phones. MASKED MAN #2 directs the people to lay down. Masked man #1 notices Officer Squire.

MASKED MAN #1
Oh shit! We have a boy in blue over here!

Masked woman walks over and points her gun at Officer Squire.

MASKED WOMAN
You're not going to create problems for us, are you Mr. Boy in Blue?

OFFICER SQUIRE
I won't if you won't.

INT. POLICE PATROL CAR – MOMENTS LATER

Officer Nancy is waiting in the car.

DISPATCHER
Attention all units, we have a 10-30 at 3659 Main Street. Silent alarm was triggered and suspects are possibly armed. Please proceed with caution.

Officer Nancy looks at the numbers on the building and picks up the radio microphone.

OFFICER NANCY
10-4 Dispatch. I'm at 3659 Main Street. We also have a 10-13.

DISPATCHER
Please wait for back up. ETA five minutes.

OFFICER NANCY
(to herself)
We probably don't have five minutes.

Officer Nancy gets out of the car with gun in hand. She walks to the side of the bank and finds another entrance.

INT. BANK LOBBY – LATER

Officer Squire is disarmed and laying on the ground. Masked Woman stands guard in the lobby.

MASKED WOMAN
We'll be out of your hair in a minute folks.

Officer Squire sees Officer Nancy enter through the side door to hide.

OFFICER SQUIRE
(to Masked Woman)
Your voice sounds very familiar. Do I know you?

Masked Woman turns towards Officer Squire.

MASKED WOMAN
I assure you that you do not.

Masked Man #1 and #2 walk into the lobby with bags of money in hand. Officer Nancy sizes up the bank robbers. She steps out from hiding and points her gun at Masked Man #1 and #2.

OFFICER NANCY
Freeze!

The two Masked Men turn around and the Masked Woman draws her gun on Officer Nancy.

MASKED WOMAN
Not so fast.

Officer Squire jumps up and runs towards the Masked Woman. The Masked Woman hears Officer Squire and shoots him in the leg.

OFFICER SQUIRE
AHHHH!

Officer Squire lands on the floor. Officer Nancy shoots and misses the Masked Woman. Masked Man #2 grabs a line divider pole and knocks down Officer Nancy.

MASKED MAN #2
We gotta get out of here!

The three Masked Robbers escape out the side door. Officer Nancy struggles to stand up and radios for an ambulance. She makes her way over to Office Squire.

OFFICER NANCY
Are you okay?

Officer Squire's hand covers his wound.

OFFICER SQUIRE
I don't know.

Police sirens are heard. Bank customers orient themselves.

OFFICER SQUIRE
Thanks for covering for me.

OFFICER NANCY
I couldn't just sit and wait for backup.

Officer Nancy looks around the lobby.

OFFICER NANCY
But perhaps I should have.

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…. Scenes can become a lot more interesting when multiple interest techniques are added.
Logline: Chelsea asks Kyle if he can braid her hair.
Essence: Kyle realizes that he needs to learn how to braid Chelsea’s hair.
Interest techniques for the rewrite: Hook, Predictions, Creating a Future, Anticipatory dialogue
Rewrite:
INT. WALKER KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
Kyle opens the refrigerator door and rummages. He takes out some eggs and cheese. The audio of the TV can be heard from the kitchen. Chelsea walks into the kitchen.

CHELSEA
Daddy, can you braid my hair today?

Kyle starts to crack some eggs.

KYLE
Can I do what?

CHELSEA
Braid my hair.

Kyle furrows his brow.

KYLE
I don't even know how to braid hair.

He scrambles the eggs. Chelsea jerks her head some.

CHELSEA
You never watched Mommy do it?

KYLE
(annoyed)
Yes, I've seen Mommy braid your hair, but I wasn't exactly watching to learn.

Chelsea sits down at the kitchen table and stares at Kyle.

CHELSEA
Well, can you learn now?

Kyle turns on the stove burner and pours the eggs in.

KYLE
I suppose so.

Kyle looks at Chelsea.

KYLE
Perhaps Auntie Terri can teach me.

Chelsea lights up.

CHELSEA
Can Auntie Terri come over and teach you today?

KYLE
Today? I don't know. I will have to call her.

CHELSEA
Okay. Let her know my hair also needs a wash day soon.

Chelsea gets up from the table and bounds out of the room. Kyle shakes his head and smiles as he continues to stir the eggs.

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to create challenging situations to help elevate the scene and make it more interesting to viewers.

Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: Kyle sees his daughter Chelsea in the hospital for the first time since the car accident.

B. Essence: Without having a lot of information about the car accident, Kyle does his best to calm Chelsea down.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
Goal: For Kyle to be there for Chelsea while figuring out what to tell her.
• Kyle starts sobbing when he sees Chelsea.
• Kyle is conflicted about having to lie to Chelsea.
Needs: Kyle must remain calm for Chelsea.
• Chelsea starts screaming and freaking out when she wakes up and sees Kyle.
• The nurse runs back into the room and asks Kyle what happened.
• Kyle freezes as he watches the nurse try to calm Chelsea down.

Wound: Kyle is concerned about Roxie and Chelsea’s prognoses’
• Once Chelsea calms down, Kyle grills the nurse about Chelsea’s condition.
• The nurse tells Kyle that Chelsea was calmed down before Kyle came to visit.
• Chelsea has a violent tic rage and Kyle doesn’t know what to do.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.
Kyle enters Chelsea’s hospital room and makes an audible gasp when he sees his daughter. He walks over to her bed while sobbing. Chelsea opens her eyes and starts screaming and flailing about when she sees Kyle. Kyle doesn’t know what to do. The nurse comes into the room and flashes a concerned look at Kyle while she tries to calm Chelsea down. Once Chelsea stops screaming, Kyle starts to grill the nurse about Chelsea’s condition from the accident. The nurse is annoyed at Kyle and tells him that Chelsea was fine before he came into the room. Chelsea picks up on the energy in the room and starts to have a violent tic attack to Kyle’s dismay.

Scene 2:
A. Current Scene Logline: After the funeral, Kyle returns to his home for the reception.

B. Essence: Kyle aimlessly floats around his home as he mourns his wife.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
Goal: For Kyle to get through the reception with little drama.
• He pours Tequila into a large glass to drink.
• He stumbles over to the couch and sits down.
• He starts to violently cry.
Needs: For the reception to finish as fast as it can.
• Kyle’s mother and sister try to calm Kyle down.
• Chelsea sees her father crying and she runs out of the room in despair.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.
Kyle pulls up to the house and he and Chelsea get out of the car. People have already gathered and Kyle looks like he is dreading what is to come. He walks into the house and gives polite nods to some visitors. He makes a bee-line to the kitchen to pour himself a large glass of Tequila. Kyle’s mom eyes Kyle as he walks into the living room with his drink. Kyle plops down on the couch and takes some more sips. He starts to cry uncontrollably. Kyle’s sister sits down next to him to try to calm him down. Kyle pushes his sister away and says he doesn’t want to calm down. Chelsea comes into the living room and sees her father crying. Alarmed at what she sees, she runs out of the room. Kyle’s mother follows her.

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s Full-out characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to look at each character as a whole, rather than the sum of their parts.

1. Kyle’s current profile:
Description: Kyle is a devoted husband, father, and son.
Core traits: Loyal, insecure, sad, intelligent
Main subtext: Kyle thinks that he will fail at being a single parent to his daughter.

Kyle’s revised profile:
Description: Kyle is a devoted father who must overcome his sadness so that he can take care of his daughter.
Core traits: Loyal, insecure, sad, determined
Main subtext: Kyle turns to alcohol to numb his pain over his dead wife.

2. Chelsea’s current profile:
Description: Daughter of Kyle who has Tourette’s Syndrome.
Core traits: Introvert, shame, independent, uncertain
Main subtext: Chelsea uses her Tourette’s to define her.

Chelsea’s revised profile:
Description: Kyle’s daughter who struggles with her increased tics while she grieves her mother.
Core traits: Introvert, shame, sad, angry
Main subtext: Chelsea argues with her father to cover up her sadness.

3. Terri’s current profile:
Description: Terri is Roxie’s older sister.
Core traits: Caring, independent, sassy, lonely
Main subtext: Terri doesn’t want to be dependent on her mother.

Terri’s revised profile:
Description: Terri is Roxie’s older sister who longs for a romantic relationship.
Core traits: Nurturing, sassy, lonely, wise
Main subtext: Terri thinks her mother is disappointed in her.

[Blair Marino]

IGNORE THIS REPLY. I accidentally replied to the wrong post and then couldn’t delete it.

Blair's notes on Deborah's scene.

JOHN
Traits
– Daring-He threatens Nick
– Distrustful-wonders why John is late. He also suspects Nick knows something he’s not telling. He keeps pressing Nick for information.
– Loyal- Includes Nick in sharing the profits.
– Loner-Nick says of John, “Stand alone, die alone”

Subtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them
into showing their worst side.
NICK
Traits

– Confident-he claims he’s the one that got John started in the business
– Conniving-he did sabotage the spices
– Rebellious—not sure where this showed up.
– Giving—“I’m usually the one giving”

Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people
into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.

I do think you got to the essence of John getting to the truth. Why is there a pie fight going on outside? I feel like Abner doesn’t need to be in the scene. He doesn’t add much, other than being an angry employee who Nick tries to frame. This exchange also confused me:

ABNER (indignant)
Who dropped this banana peel?
Nick looks away. John helps Abner up.
JOHN
Just clean it up. We’ve got to be on the road in ten minutes!
Nick motions Abner to the Barber. Abner fumes. Nick ushers John around the corner to the alley.

Why does Nick motion Abner to the Barber?
I also feel like John’s pressing of Nick for info ran long. I understand John was trying to get Nick to confess to sabotaging the spices by offering him shares in the business, but John’s sudden change of heart seems abrupt after he spent so much time accusing Nick and providing evidence.
Overall, great job at hitting the traits and subtext, though I wasn’t sure where Nick’s rebelliousness happened. Looking forward to reading more of your scenes.

I also have been frustrated with replying on the forum. I have a solution. When you post the scene the first time, there is an “edit” option where those 3 dots are on the right side of the post. I click edit, and then repost and it usually is fixed. Sometimes there are some extraneous letters that I just delete. If it doesn’t fix itself the first time, I click edit again. Hope this helps!

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Blair Marino.
• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Blair Marino.

[Blair Marino]

Blair's rewrite of Cycle 2 scene.
LOGLINE: John tries to disrupt his brother Nick’s plan to crash a train into the Chicago O’Hare station.
ESSENCE: Finishing at all costs.
SCENE:
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE – DAY

Wall-to-wall video monitors and a central computer station fill a cavernous room. Twenty-eight-year-old NICK, wearing a black leather jacket and blue jeans, sits typing away at a computer. Twenty-five-year-old JOHN, sporting a hoody and black Chucks, peeks inside the room from a large doorway. Nick stands up and walks over to a cabinet. He sees a shadow by the doorway as John tries to hide.

NICK
(sing-songy)
Whoever that is, I see you.

John takes a deep breath and steps out from hiding.

NICK
Well Well Well, brother. What a pleasant surprise.

JOHN
What the hell is this place?

NICK
I'm giving Lex Luthor vibes aren't I?

JOHN
Minus the smarts.

NICK
Ouch.

John looks at one of the large monitors showing the interior of a train control system.

JOHN
What exactly are you doing down here?

NICK
You think I'm giving that up so easily? I've already given too much by inviting you to the island.

JOHN
I don't understand how you can say that when I've always been a devoted brother.

Nick gestures to the vastness of the room.

NICK
A lot has happened since you left to go find yourself in Europe.

Nick raises his fingers in mock quotations around the last four words.

NICK
I've made a few enemies along the way.

JOHN
Well I'm back now.

John walks over to the computer station. Nick follows him.

NICK
Stop right there.

John halts and studies several monitors showing passengers inside a train. Nick sits down in front of a computer and clicks away.

JOHN
Why are you monitoring a train?

Nick scoffs.

NICK
Sooo many questions. Patience, brother. Trust me.

JOHN
You haven't given me much to trust with this questionable setting here.

John slowly moves towards Nick. He strains to look over Nick's shoulder at the computer monitor. Nick types some numbers on the keyboard.

JOHN
Are you going to blow up the train?

Nick turns around smiling.

NICK
Okay, you got me. I don't have the smarts for explosives, but I do know how to hack into the train's control system and crash it into O'Hare.

JOHN
Oh my god. I knew you had a dark side, but this is crazy.

John glances around the room for some kind of makeshift weapon.

NICK
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

John sees a pair of scissors on one of the desks. He dashes to the desk and grabs the scissors.

JOHN
You're right.

Nick turns around and sees John threateningly hold the scissors.

NICK
(mockingly)
Are you going to stop me with those scissors, baby brother?

JOHN
I'm going to try.

John lunges at Nick and stabs him in the hand with the scissors. Nick grabs the scissors out of the wound and collapses on the ground. He drops the scissors and chuckles.

NICK
Well, I didn't see that coming.

JOHN
You have to stop the train!

Nick uses his good hand to cover up the gash while a pool of blood builds up on the floor.

NICK
It's too late for that. I have already set the coordinates to by-pass the brake system and accelerate the train.

Nick notices the blood on the floor.

NICK
Whoa, that's a lot of blood. I'm feeling pretty woozy here.

John observes the train passengers looking distressed on the speeding train.

JOHN
Tell me how to stop the train and I will help you with your hand.

NICK
Oh will you, now?

Nick lies down on the floor in pain. He laughs.

NICK
I see that I have gotten myself in quite the pickle. I didn't know you had it in you.

John picks up the scissors.

JOHN
I will do it again if I have to.

NICK
Okay, okay.

Nick strains to breathe.

NICK
Go to the computer and open up the file that says 'Chicago'.

John trots over to the computer and sits down. He moves the mouse around and finds the correct folder.

JOHN
Okay, I found it and it's open.

NICK
Okay, click on the window that says "setup".

John clicks on the window.

JOHN
Done.

Nick coughs and clears his throat.

NICK
Now type in the numbers three, seven, six, and two.

John types on the keyboard.

JOHN
Okay.

Nick starts laughing. John frantically looks at the video monitor of the train.

JOHN
It's not stopping!

Nick smirks.

NICK
That's because you just made it speed up even more.

John looks on in horror as the train crashes into the O'Hare station. Nick turns onto his back and smiles. John runs over to Nick and abruptly pulls him up by the shoulders and shakes him.

JOHN
What have you done?

[Blair Marino]

LOGLINE: John tries to disrupt his brother Nick’s plan to crash a train into the Chicago O’Hare station.
ESSENCE: Finishing at all costs.
SCENE:
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE – DAY

Wall-to-wall video monitors and a central computer station fill a cavernous room. Twenty-eight-year-old NICK, wearing a black leather jacket and blue jeans, sits typing away at a computer. Twenty-five-year-old JOHN, sporting a hoody and black Chucks, peeks inside the room from a large doorway. Nick stands up and walks over to a cabinet. He sees a shadow by the doorway as John tries to hide.

NICK
(sing-songy)
Whoever that is, I see you.

John takes a deep breath and steps out from hiding.

NICK
Well Well Well, brother. What a pleasant surprise.

JOHN
What the hell is this place?

NICK
I’m giving Lex Luthor vibes aren’t I?

JOHN
Minus the smarts.

NICK
Ouch.

John looks at one of the large monitors showing the interior of a train control system.

JOHN
What exactly are you doing down here?

NICK
You think I’m giving that up so easily? I’ve already given too much by inviting you to the island.

JOHN
Why can’t you tell me? You’re my big brother. We’ve always been close.

NICK
That is true, but then you had to jet off to Europe to find yourself. You left me to my own devices.

JOHN
I’m back now.

NICK
A lot has happened since you left. I’ve made a few enemies along the way.

John walks over to the computer station. Nick follows him.

NICK
Stop right there.

John halts and studies several monitors showing passengers inside a train. Nick sits down in front of a computer and clicks away.

JOHN
Why are you monitoring a train?

Nick scoffs.

NICK
Sooo many questions. Patience, brother.

John slowly moves towards Nick. He strains to look over Nick’s shoulder at the computer monitor. Nick types some numbers on the keyboard.

JOHN
Are you going to blow up the train?

Nick turns around smiling.

NICK
Okay, you got me, I will tell you. I don’t have the smarts for explosives. I do however know how to hack into the train’s control system and crash it into O’Hare.

JOHN
Oh my god. I knew you had somewhat of a dark side, but this is crazy.

John glances around the room for some kind of makeshift weapon.

NICK
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

John sees a pair of scissors on one of the desks. He dashes to the desk and grabs the scissors.

JOHN
You’re right.

Nick turns around and sees John threateningly hold the scissors.

NICK
Are you going to stop me, baby brother?

JOHN
I’m going to try.

John lunges at Nick and stabs him in the hand with the scissors. Nick grabs the scissors out of the wound and collapses on the ground. He drops the scissors.

NICK
(laughing)
Well, I didn’t see that coming.

JOHN
You have to stop the train!

Nick uses his good hand to cover up the gash while a pool of blood builds up on the floor.

NICK
Well, it’s too late for that. I have already set the coordinates to by-pass the brake system and accelerate the train.

Nick sees the blood on the floor.

NICK
Whoa, that’s a lot of blood. I am feeling pretty woozy here.

John sees the train passengers looking distressed on the speeding train.

JOHN
Tell me how to stop the train and I will help you with your hand.

NICK
Oh will you, now?

Nick lies down on the floor in pain. He starts to laugh.

NICK
I see that I have gotten myself in quite the pickle. I didn’t know you had it in you.

John picks up the scissors.

JOHN
I will do it again if I have to.

NICK
Okay, okay.

Nick strains to breathe.

NICK
Go to the computer and open up the file that says ‘Chicago’.

John walks over to the computer and sits down. He moves the mouse around and finds the correct folder.

JOHN
Okay, I found it and it’s open.

NICK
Okay, click on the window that says “setup”.

John clicks on the window.

JOHN
Done.

Nick coughs and clears his throat.

NICK
Now type in the numbers three, seven, six, and two.

John types on the keyboard.

JOHN
Okay.

Nick starts laughing. John frantically looks at the video monitor of the train.

JOHN
It’s not stopping!

Nick smirks.

NICK
That’s because you just made it speed up even more.

John looks on in horror as the train crashes into the O’Hare station. Nick turns onto his back and smiles.

[Blair Marino]

Thank you, Chris. You’re right. There is no tangible celebration. The subtle celebration I was aiming for was the fact that Trent and Robert are finally getting the money they have been waiting for. I realize that doesn’t really translate on the page. Also, Trent wasn’t having an affair, that lie was part of Robert’s subtext. Thanks again for your feedback. It’s very helpful.

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s rewrite for Robert/Trent scene

INT. MANOR ENTRANCE HALLWAY – NIGHT

Trent, mid-thirties, wearing a suit and tie opens a custom made arched French front door. Twenty-four year old Robert stands on the veranda wearing a three-piece tuxedo. Robert sees himself in and Trent closes the door.

TRENT
You're late. Mary is going to be home soon.

Trent gives Robert the once-over.

TRENT
Aren't you a little overdressed for the occasion?

ROBERT
On the contrary. I'm also late for a wedding reception, so let's get to it.

Robert follows Trent out of the hallway.

INT. STUDY – MOMENTS LATER

Bookshelves and lounge chairs meticulously fill the space. Robert gazes at the wood burning fireplace that warms the room. A desk with a computer and monitor is set up in one corner. Trent quickly strides to the desk and sits down.

TRENT
Mary changes the password to the bank account periodically. I hope this is still the current one.

Trent carefully types in the password and looks at the monitor.

TRENT
Yes! I'm in.

Trent uses the computer mouse to navigate the account. Robert walks over to the fireplace and picks up the poker to stoke the fire.

ROBERT
When exactly is Mary getting home?

TRENT
I don't know. Soon.

Trent continues to type. He furrows his brow and frantically moves the mouse around the screen.

TRENT
I don't understand.

Trent stares at the computer monitor.

ROBERT
What?

Trent turns to face Robert.

TRENT
The money's gone. That doesn't make any sense.

Robert saunters over to Trent with the poker still in one hand.

ROBERT
Are you sure?

TRENT
Yes, look!

Trent points to the monitor. Robert looks and grins.

ROBERT
(calmly)
Ah yes, I see.

Trent stands up and studies Robert's face.

TRENT
What did you do?

ROBERT
Hmm… where do I start?

Robert threateningly holds the poker with both hands now.

ROBERT
Well, first of all I was certain you were going to screw me over, so I took the liberty and transferred the money to an offshore account.

Trent's mouth is agape.

ROBERT
I also informed Mary about your plans to steal her money and run away with another woman you're having an affair with.

TRENT
Wait, what?

Trent eases closer to Robert.

TRENT
I thought we were in this together!

Robert smirks.

ROBERT
We were. And then I changed my mind and decided I had to beat you to the punch.

TRENT
You son of a bitch!

Trent furiously lunges at Robert and punches him in the face. Robert loses his balance and staggers. Robert composes himself and hits Trent in the head with the poker. Trent falls to the ground in a bloody heap. Robert looks aghast and runs out of the study still holding the poker.

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s rewrite of the Robert/Trent scene:

INT. MANOR ENTRANCE HALLWAY – NIGHT

Trent, mid-thirties, wearing a suit and tie opens a custom made arched French front door. Twenty-four year old Robert stands on the veranda wearing a three-piece tuxedo. Robert sees himself in and Trent closes the door.

TRENT
You're late. Mary is going to be home soon.

Trent gives Robert the once-over.

TRENT
Aren't you a little overdressed for the occasion?

ROBERT
On the contrary. I'm also late for a wedding reception, so let's get to it.

Robert follows Trent out of the hallway.

INT. STUDY – MOMENTS LATER

Bookshelves and lounge chairs meticulously fill the space. Robert gazes at the wood burning fireplace that warms the room. A desk with a computer and monitor is set up in one corner. Trent quickly strides to the desk and sits down.

TRENT
Mary changes the password to the bank account periodically. I hope this is still the current one.

Trent carefully types in the password and looks at the monitor.

TRENT
Yes! I'm in.

Trent uses the computer mouse to navigate the account. Robert walks over to the fireplace and picks up the poker to stoke the fire.

ROBERT
When exactly is Mary getting home?

TRENT
I don't know. Soon.

Trent continues to type. He furrows his brow and frantically moves the mouse around the screen.

TRENT
I don't understand.

Trent stares at the computer monitor.

ROBERT
What?

Trent turns to face Robert.

TRENT
The money's gone. That doesn't make any sense.

Robert saunters over to Trent with the poker still in one hand.

ROBERT
Are you sure?

TRENT
Yes, look!

Trent points to the monitor. Robert looks and grins.

ROBERT
(calmly)
Ah yes, I see.

Trent stands up and studies Robert's face.

TRENT
What did you do?

ROBERT
Hmm… where do I start?

Robert threateningly holds the poker with both hands now.

ROBERT
Well, first of all I was certain you were going to screw me over, so I took the liberty and transferred the money to an offshore account.

Trent's mouth is agape.

ROBERT
I also informed Mary about your plans to steal her money and run away with another woman you're having an affair with.

TRENT
Wait, what?

Trent eases closer to Robert.

TRENT
I thought we were in this together!

Robert smirks.

ROBERT
We were. And then I changed my mind and decided I had to beat you to the punch.

TRENT
You son of a bitch!

Trent furiously lunges at Robert and punches him in the face. Robert loses his balance and staggers. Robert composes himself and hits Trent in the head with the poker. Trent falls to the ground in a bloody heap. Robert looks aghast and runs out of the study still holding the poker.

[Blair Marino]

INT. MANOR ENTRANCE HALLWAY – NIGHT

Trent, mid-thirties, opens the front door and lets Robert in. Robert is in his mid-twenties.

TRENT
You're late. Mary is going to be home soon.

ROBERT
I know. Let's get to this.

Robert follows Trent to another room.

INT. STUDY – MOMENTS LATER

Bookshelves and lounge chairs meticulously fill the space. A wood burning fireplace heats up the study. A desk with a computer and monitor is located in one corner. Trent and Robert walk to the desk and Trent sits down.

TRENT
Mary changes the password to her bank account periodically. I hope this is still the current one.

Trent types in the password and is successful at logging in.

TRENT
I'm in.

Trent uses the computer mouse to navigate the account. Robert walks over to the fireplace and picks up the poker to stoke the fire.

ROBERT
When exactly is Mary getting home?

TRENT
I don't know. Soon.

Trent continues to type. He furrows his brow and frantically moves the mouse around the screen.

TRENT
I don't understand.

Trent stares at the computer monitor.

ROBERT
What?

Trent turns to face Robert.

TRENT
The money's gone. That doesn't make any sense.

Robert walks over to Trent with the poker still in one hand.

ROBERT
Are you sure?

TRENT
Yes, look!

Trent points to the monitor and Robert looks and smiles.

ROBERT
~Ah yes, I see.

Trent stands up and studies Robert's face.

TRENT
What did you do?

ROBERT
Hm… where do I start?

Robert threateningly holds the poker with both hands now.

ROBERT
Well, first of all I thought you were going to screw me over and take all the money yourself.

Trent's mouth is agape.

ROBERT
I also told Mary about your plans to steal her money and then run away with another woman you're having an affair with.

TRENT
How could you do this? I thought we were in this together!

Robert smiles again.

ROBERT
Well, we were. And then I changed my mind and decided I had to beat you to the punch.

TRENT
You son of a bitch!

Trent furiously lunges at Robert and punches him in the face. Robert loses his balance and staggers. Robert composes himself and starts hitting Trent with the poker over and over again. Trent falls to the ground in a bloody heap. Robert looks aghast. He runs out of the study still holding the poker.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Blair Marino. Reason: It doesn't format correctly the first time I post it

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s Max Interest Part 1
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is adding interest techniques can help improve the quality of the scene.
Scene: Principal’s office, p. 39
Logline: Kyle gets called in to meet with Chelsea’s school principal, Dr. Adams.
Essence: Chelsea is not receiving the accommodations that she deserves.
Interest techniques for the rewrite: 1. Character changes radically. 2. Uncertainty, hope/fear 3. Surprise

INT. DR. ADAMS' OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Dr. Adams and Kyle walk into the office and Dr. Adams closes the door.

DR. ADAMS
Have a seat.

She gestures to a chair and Kyle sits down. Dr. Adams sits down at her desk.

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Walker, I called you in because there has been an altercation between Chelsea and another student.

Kyle furrows his brow.

DR. ADAMS
Ms. Wright says that Chelsea was having a tic attack and pushed another student down.

KYLE
Are they okay?

DR. ADAMS
Yes, she and the other student are with the nurse.

Kyle glances around the room.

KYLE
I'm not encouraging Chelsea's behavior, but are you aware that students make fun of Chelsea's tics? This is not the first time she's been laughed at or teased and it doesn't seem like any adult is doing…

DR. ADAMS
(interrupting)
Ms. Wright is doing all that she can to help Chelsea.

KYLE
Is she now? What does she do when the other students tease Chelsea?

DR. ADAMS
I don't know. You can ask her.

Kyle sighs in frustration.

KYLE
No, you can ask her! She's an employee of the school that you run!

There is a knock on the door that startles Dr. Adams.

DR. ADAMS
Come in.

The school nurse and Chelsea come into the office. Chelsea looks upset when she sees Kyle.

CHELSEA
Hi.

Dr. Adams looks at the nurse.

DR. ADAMS
Thank you, Rita.

Rita leaves and closes the door behind her. Chelsea sits down in a chair next to Kyle.

DR. ADAMS
Chelsea, I called your Dad in because we are concerned about what happened today in class.

Chelsea avoids eye contact with Dr. Adams.

CHELSEA
Am I in trouble?

DR. ADAMS
Chelsea, why did you push David?

CHELSEA
He's always making fun of me when I tic.

Chelsea's head jerks back and forth.

CHELSEA
I'm sick of it!

Chelsea starts hitting herself in the head.

CHELSEA
(yelling)
I'm sick sick sick of it!

Dr. Adams eyes widen. Kyle quickly puts his arms around Chelsea and leads her over to a chair to sit down.

KYLE
Whoa honey, let's take some deep breaths.

Kyle breathes in to demonstrate and Chelsea follows suit. After a few rounds of breathing, Chelsea settles down. Kyle composes himself and looks at Dr. Adams.

KYLE
Would it be okay if I talked to you alone for a minute?

DR. ADAMS
Yes, of course.

Kyle looks at Chelsea.

KYLE
Sweetie, are you okay to sit outside for a few minutes while I speak to Dr. Adams?

Chelsea nods. Kyle escorts Chelsea to the door. He closes it and sits back down.

KYLE
Let me make myself perfectly clear, so there is no further ambiguity. What you just saw here is exactly why Chelsea needs an IEP.

DR. ADAMS
Yes, I agree. I will initiate the eligibly requirements with Ms. Wright to get Chelsea evaluated.

Kyle tenses up.

KYLE
Evaluated? She's already been evaluated.

DR. ADAMS
Yes, but it needs to be updated.

KYLE
What needs to be updated? The fact that she continues to have tics? She needed an IEP at the beginning of the school year. I feel like a broken record.

DR. ADAMS
I understand you're upset.

Kyle laughs.

KYLE
You have no clue what Chelsea and I have been through these past months. I thought I could rely on the school for some support. Perhaps I need to look for an attorney.

Dr. Adams is taken aback and chooses her words carefully.

DR. ADAMS
Are you threatening to sue the school?

KYLE
Maybe I am. No one at this school seems to be advocating for my daughter.

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Walker, I assure you that we have your daughter's best interest in mind.

KYLE
Your actions definitely say otherwise.

Kyle stands up and walks over to the door.

KYLE
I have nothing else to say here, Dr. Adams, so I'm going to take Chelsea home now.

DR. ADAMS
Mr. Walker, can we please talk about this some more?

KYLE
Perhaps you can talk to my attorney.

Kyle opens the door and exits.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Blair Marino.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Blair Marino.

[Blair Marino]

Blair Profiles People

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is thinking about what traits a character has can help produce an interesting and three-dimensional character.

Person 1: Friendly, Lonely, Manipulative, Dysregulated
I only interact with this person by phone and text now, but the traits I have given them have showed up many times in the past.

Person 2: Loyal, Caring, Loud, Self-Centered
I don’t see this person on a consistent basis, but their traits tend to show up individually, or all at the same time.

Person 3: Nurturing, Naive, Trying, Vain
The traits that I have assigned to this person can be inconsistent. The most recent time I have interacted with this person, they were mostly nurturing.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Blair Marino.

[Blair Marino]

Blair Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is breaking apart a scene to find the essence helps create subtext.
Script I choose: Braids

Scene 1 Location: Chelsea’s hospital room
Logline: Kyle waits for Chelsea to wake up so that he can talk to her about the car accident.
Essence I’ve discovered: Kyle struggles with revealing too much to Chelsea.
New Logline: Kyle is torn between telling the full truth to Chelsea and revealing too much.

Scene 2 Location: ICU waiting area
Logline: Kyle gives Terry an update about Roxie and Chelsea.
Essence I’ve discovered: Kyle struggles with the reality that Roxie could die.
New Logline: Kyle discovers that he has to be realistic about Roxie dying while being truthful to Chelsea.

Scene 3 Location: Kyle’s car
Logline: Kyle inadvertently drives through four-way stop and gets pulled over by the police.
Essence I’ve discovered: Kyle’s anxiety about driving while black is all for nothing.
New Logline: Kyle discovers that being from a well-known family has its benefits.

Scene 4 Location: Kyle’s bedroom
Logline: Kyle startles awake from his phone ringing and notices a goldfinch outside the window.
Essence I’ve discovered: Kyle is surrounded by memories of Roxie.
New Logline: Kyle is mindful that Roxie is no longer with him.

Scene 5 Location: Walker kitchen
Logline: Chelsea surprises Kyle by asking him to braid her hair.
Essence I’ve discovered: Kyle realizes that he has to be Chelsea’s father and mother now.
New Logline: Chelsea attempts at some normalcy by asking Kyle to braid her hair.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Blair Marino.

[Blair Marino]

Blair Finds the Essence

What I learned is that finding essence in a scene is a significant skill in writing.

Script I chose: Dead Poets Society

Scene 1 Location: Opening scene
Logline: A procession of teens and alumni introduce the start of the school year, as new student Todd Anderson awkwardly observes and mechanically participates.
Essence: Tradition and pageantry are important for success.

Scene 2 Location: Junior class dormitories
Logline: Neil Perry’s domineering father orders Neil to quit an extracurricular class he enjoys.
Essence: Parental manipulation rears its ugly head.

Scene 3 Location: English classroom, beginning of ACT 2
Logline: Students are introduced to the charismatic new teacher, John Keating.
Essence: Non-conformity can encourage free-thinking.

Scene 4: Campus exterior
Logline: Curious students question Keating about the Dead Poet Society.
Essence: Intrigue and secrecy can spark excitement in the mundane.

Scene 5: Cave
Logline: The new Dead Poets Society convenes its new chapter.
Essence: Exhilaration can transform the meek.

My selection for most profound essence :
KEATING Look at Mr. Anderson. In such agony. Step up, lad, and let's put you out of your misery. All eyes are on Todd. He is dying inside. He stands and walks slowly to the front of the class like a condemned man on his way to his execution. KEATING Todd, have you prepared your poem? Todd shakes his head no. KEATING Mr. Anderson believes that everything he has inside of him is worthless and embarrassing. Correct, Todd? Isn't that your fear? Todd nods jerkedly yes. KEATING Then today you will see that what is inside of you is worth a great deal. Keating strides to the blackboard. Rapidly, he writes: "I SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP? OVER THE ROOFTOPSOF THE WORLD." — Walt Whitman. KEATING A yawp, for those who don't know, is a loud cry or yell. Todd, I would like you to give us a demonstration of a barbaric yawp. TODD (barely audible) A yawp? KEATING A barbaric yawp. Keating pauses, then suddenly moves fiercely at Todd. KEATING Good god, boy! Yell! 53. TODD (frightened) Yawp! KEATING Again! Louder! TODD YAWP! KEATING LOUDER! TODD AHHHHHH! KEATING All right! Very good! There's a barbarian in there after all! Keating claps. The class claps too. Todd, red-faced, swells a bit. KEATING Todd, there's a picture of Whitman over the door. What does he remind you Of? Quickly, Anderson, don't think about it. TODD A madman. KEATING A madman. Perhaps he was. What kind of madman? Don't think! Answer. TODD A crazy madman. KEATING Use your imagination! First thing that pops to your mind, even if it's gibberish! TODD A… A… sweaty-toothed madman. KEATING Now there's the poet speaking! Close your eyes and think of the picture. Describe what you see. NOW! 54. TODD I… I close my eyes. His image floats beside me. KEATING (prompting) A sweaty-toothed madman… TODD A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain. KEATING Excellent! Have him act. Give it rhythm! TODD His hands reach out and choke me All the time he mumbles slowly. Truth… Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. This brings chuckles from the class. This angers Todd. KEATING To hell with them, most about the blanket! Todd opens his eyes and addresses the class in defiant cadence. TODD Stretch it, pull it, it will never cover any of us. Kick at it, beat at it, it will never be enough… KEATING Don't stop! TODD (struggling, but getting it out) From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, It will cover just your head as you wail and cry and scream! Todd stands still for a long time. Both he and the students have felt the magic or what has just taken place. Neil starts applauding. Others join in. Todd swells and, for the first time, there is a hint of confidence in him. The applause stops. Keating walks to Todd. 55. (MORE) KEATING Don't forget this.

Essence: Breaking out of your shell is rewarding. This is the essence because Keating has been trying to get Todd to participate and to see that he can be bold.

[Blair Marino]

Hi, I’m Blair. I am in the middle of finishing my second script. I am looking forward to learning more about boosting the quality of my writing. I am a video editor by trade and once worked at a national news organization.

[Blair Marino]

Blair Marino

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[Blair Marino]

Hi Deb, here is my feedback for your scene:

CARLEY
Traits
– Tough—Carley pops the hood to see what’s wrong with the car. I don't really see her toughness in her dialogue.

– Caring “Listen, Marcus, I do care about you, I think… (Doesn’t really come through since she gave the “I think” disclaimer). She might be considered caring by telling the drunk that he has spittle on his shirt. Marcus does say that she is the most caring person he knows, but I don’t see that in the scene.

– Distracting / Evasive— Evasive: "Love? Really, Marcus? Here?”
Distracting: “Can’t say I saw this coming, but we’ve got bigger problems.”
– Polite “Marcus, please explain.”

MARCUS
Traits
– Strategic—"Are you serious? You idiot. That’s who we’re running from.” “It’s the hallucinogen. Remember? We’re taking it to the police. But you got exposed.”
– Commanding -“We have to keep moving.”
– Imaginative- “I’m letting my imagination get ahead of me. I’m sorry”
“This is not how I imagined…”
– Apologetic—“I’m so sorry about all this, but let’s stick to our plan. Everything is going to be okay.”

Use of skill mastery:
Suspense—who are they running from?
Major twist—Finding out all of it was part of an experiment.
Interesting setting—Seedy alleyway
Uncertainty—what’s going to happen to Marcus and Carley with the many obstacles they have to face in the alley?
Intrigue—Why does Carley think she is driving her car?
Cliffhanger—What will happen when Carley takes the hallucinogen again?
Something unseen—Dr. Renfro
Character changes radically—When Carley comes to after she is given what appears to be an anti-hallucinogen.
Uncomfortable situation—when the drunk vomits into the dumpster.
Hook – Carley: “I thought we hated each other. I thought… I thought you were…”
Carley: “This is your stuff. This is your car.”
Anticipatory dialogue— Marcus: “It’s the hallucinogen. Remember? We’re taking it to the police. But you got exposed”

After reading your scene several times, here are my observations:

I don’t see that the scene situation/arc came through. Carley didn’t seem to think they were meant to be together and the kiss was forced from the hallucinogen. Carley even says “not in your life” when Marcus says he will slip her the tongue the next time. Does Marcus really want to be with Carley, or is it an act for the experiment? And does Carley have a thing for Ben instead?

I don’t think the Vomit Guy needs to be in the scene. It seems like he wasn’t a part of the experiment and he didn’t add anything to the scene. Even when Marcus tries to take advantage of the unexpected situation to finish the experiment (with the vomit guy being there) he fails.

Carley’s traits came through some in her dialogue, but I had a hard time finding examples in the script. I didn't see her as caring through her dialogue. I also didn’t see her to be that tough, other than the fact that she volunteered to be a part of the experiment. Carley’s subtext came through once when she was trying to avoid Marcus’ advances. Marcus’ subtext did come through.

As for the essence, I’m assuming Dr. Renfro was the cat and the scientists were the mice? Why did they not want Dr. Renfro to know what they're doing?

I hope this feedback is helpful and not seen as too critical. I wish you the best with your screenplay journey. 🙂 Take care.

[Blair Marino]

Hey Deb,
Thanks for your detailed feedback, I really appreciate it. You gave great suggestions. I could have had some fun making Brandy wittier through her dialogue. And I agree about Phillip's subtext not being a strong as it could be. This scene took me longer to write as I was trying to make sure all of the traits and subtexts were there. It's been fun learning and practicing this process.

[Blair Marino]

Great scene. You hit all of the character traits and subtexts. The scene arc and essence also came through.
Great job with using so many items of maximum interest. These are the ones that stuck out for me:
Suspense
Surprise
Interesting setting
Mislead/Reveal
Uncertainty-hope and fear
Character changing radically
Betrayal
Hook
Predictions
Creating a future
Anticipatory dialogue

Keep up the good work. I have enjoyed exchanging feedback with you.

[Blair Marino]

Great job. Nice setting to have the events unfold. I enjoyed the fact that Renee was originally unable to send a text to her co-worker because of the signal. All of the traits showed up for both characters. The only thing that I didn’t see what Renee’s subtext. Yes, she was devious because she was already gossiping about Maxine, but I’m not sure where she shows she’s entitled to win at any cost.

RENEE
Traits
– Prissy- “…He’ll be clean at least — that’s always a bonus.” “I’m far too self conscious quite honestly. It’s bad enough having one person see me naked let alone two.”
– Devious- Renee has told her co-workers everything about Maxine’s night.
– Outgoing- The way Renee interacts with Maxine.
– Conformist- “Another day or two like yesterday and I might think about having an affair myself.”

Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.

MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky—to adventurous. –She has a three-way
– Snobbish- “… You know what they’re like. It would be round the office in no time…”
– Paranoid- when she shooshes Renee about the lifeguard.
– Emotionally Wounded- “…No, this is not me getting back at Brian. I got back at Brian by divorcing him and taking the house. I’m way way way over getting back at Brian. This is about me having some fun after five miserable years.”

Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

Interest techniques:
Dilemma— Maxine asking Renee to not tell anyone about her fling and Renee realizing that she already told her friends about Maxine.
Creating a future—Renee calling Tracy to beg her not to tell anyone about Maxine.
Uncomfortable moment—When Renee walked in on Maxine having a three-way.
Anticipatory dialogue – When Renee asks Maxine about the people whom she had sex with and the conversation that arises from that.
Something unseen—The coworkers who Renee cannot get a hold of.
Cliffhanger—What’s going to happen to Renee now that Maxine knows she has spilled the beans.

[Blair Marino]

Great job. I could visualize the setting with the old mall. I enjoyed the nod to The Simpson’s Principal Skinner. You used many interest techniques that helped keep the scene flowing. Both of the character’s subtexts were fulfilled. The only thing I wasn’t sure about was Renee’s conformity.

RENEE
Traits
– Prissy- “It’s more appropriate to meet a nice fellow at church or at school…” “She can be so reckless! Where is this loser anyway?” “shouldn’t you be playing hard-to-get?”
– Devious-when she texts Maxine’s brother, we find out there’s something afoul with a plan
– Outgoing- “How kind! Thank you so much!”
– Conformist-not sure where this is? Perhaps “I find this place rather unsettling. Not exactly a romantic rendezvous for your beloved Arlo.”

Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky—changed to formidable “I’ve thought of everything. What could possibly go wrong?”
– Snobbish- “what a tool”
– Paranoid- “Sure you didn’t tell him I’d be here?” “You sure you didn't tell anyone about this?”
– Emotionally Wounded- “You had no problem leaving me alone before.”

Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.

Interest techniques:
Something unseen-The online boyfriend, Arlo
Creating a future-Renee and Maxine walking around the mall and Maxine being somewhat paranoid whether Arlo will be there or not.
Anticipatory dialogue-Maxine wondering where Arlo can be
Cliffhanger- Maxine shooting one of the Albanians
Uncomfortable moment-when Maxine realizes her brother is there
Dilemma-Renee choosing to tell Josh in order to protect Maxine
Hook-Renee tells Maxine’s brother about the online boyfriend, when the online boyfriend is actually Maxine’s brother, who does it to protect Maxine.

[Blair Marino]

Thank you for the feedback. I see that I fell short with the situation. For Squire's trait of selfishness, I tried to convey that when he thought that he should have been able to drive the car. I tried to show Squire being happy go lucky when he tries to divert the Masked Woman's attention away by asking her if they know each other.

[Blair Marino]

SITUATION: It seems like Nancy is the only on who doesn’t trust Squire.
SCENE ARC: They did complete their scene arc.
NANCY
Traits
– Confrontational-”Why in the world would you discount that China?”
– Stubborn-Not sure where this is.
– Scheming-“The Royal Copenhagen China is on display. I'll get the best price for it”
– Caring-“I wanted to assure you that all is going as planned.”

Subtext: I’m not sure where Nancy’s subtext shows up. Squire says that Nancy is just as ambitious as he is, but I don’t see Nancy being covertly competitive in the scene. Nancy even tries insulting Squire by saying, “It's kind of like being paired with the lazy kid on the science fair project.”
SQUIRE
Traits
– Evasive-when he acts like he doesn’t know where a painting is.
– Selfish-He tries to take a painting for himself.
– Happy-go-lucky-“Easy there, tiger, life's too short to sweat the small stuff.”
– Seductive-Not sure where this is.

Subtext: I don’t see where Squire is being seductive or using his charms to control others. He offers the Hot Lady a discount for the China, but how does that control her? I also don’t see him being seductive by just giving the woman a discount. Perhaps I missed something.

Interest techniques:
-Uncomfortable moment-When Nancy crashes into the China.
-Dilemma- When Nancy says, “Either Mr. Tomkins gives one of us the promotion, or, there's a risk that, if this sale is a success, he'll team us up on another project.”
-Something unseen- Mr. Tomkins, the boss.
-Creating a Future-Nancy and Squire may be teamed up again.
-Anticipatory Dialogue- When Nancy says, “Mr. Tomkins! I wanted to assure you that all is going as planned.”

Nicely done. I enjoyed the scene layout. I could visualize everything in your scene descriptions. You implemented some good interest techniques. Overall, I felt the situation was not clear and the scene fell short with each character’s subtexts.

[Blair Marino]

Thank you, Christopher. You make a good point about creating more suspense with John taking longer to figure things out. And yes, the hand wound was a stretch. He needs to be stabbed in the arm or something. I had a hard time trying to convey “loner” and “loyalty” without just putting it in the dialogue. I will consider some more ways to show that John is a loyal loner. LOL I appreciate the feedback!

[Blair Marino]

Blair's notes on Christopher's scene.
JOHN
Traits
– Daring- He disguises himself as a bartender and asks for Nick’s I.D.
– Distrustful- He distrusts Nick from the get-go.
– Loyal- to Lola: “I told you to call me, didn’t I? If anyone starts anything.”
– Loner – Not sure where this trait is shown

Subtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them
into showing their worst side.
NICK
Traits

– Confident- He strides into the bar, like he owns the place.
– Conniving- Possibly planning to do something nefarious.
– Rebellious- Rides a motorcycle. Has tattoos and a battered leather jacket.
– Giving- He gives John a generous tip for the beer.

Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people
into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.

Great scene. You nailed the essence, as John goes above and beyond to protect his friends. I’m not sure where John is depicted as a loner, seeing how he’s a regular at the bar and knows the owner and his daughter. I like John’s subtext with getting Nick to show him his I.D. Nick’s subtext is clear, since we gather that he’s probably the one who broke the window and is manipulating Vicente and Lola.
Waiting to reveal John as an off-duty cop may have bolstered some of the suspense later in the scene. John also does a good job at stalling Nick while he gathers more information on him. I like how cocky Nick is and how his cockiness changes by the end of the scene.
Looking forward to reading more of your scenes.

[Blair Marino]

Thank you for your feedback, Deborah. You're right, the hand wound is a stretch. I originally thought it would impede Nick from being able to type. I should have John stab Nick in the arm for a more serious injury. I'm sorry some of the traits appeared vague. Here's where I placed them in the scene:
John being a loner shows up when Nick says, "A lot has happened since you left to go find yourself in Europe."
Nick being giving shows up when Nick says, "You think I'm giving that up so easily? I've already given too much by inviting you to the island."
Thank you again!

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  Blair Marino.

[Blair Marino]

Blair’s notes for Debora’s scene:
JOHN
Traits
– Daring-He threatens Nick
– Distrustful-wonders why John is late. He also suspects Nick knows something he’s not telling. He keeps pressing Nick for information.
– Loyal- Includes Nick in sharing the profits.
– Loner-Nick says of John, “Stand alone, die alone”

Subtext: John distrusts people, so he tries to trick them
into showing their worst side.
NICK
Traits

– Confident-he claims he’s the one that got John started in the business
– Conniving-he did sabotage the spices
– Rebellious—not sure where this showed up.
– Giving—“I’m usually the one giving”

Subtext: Nick is a conniving guy who loves manipulating people
into bad spots and then taking advantage of them.

I do think you got to the essence of John getting to the truth. Why is there a pie fight going on outside? I feel like Abner doesn’t need to be in the scene. He doesn’t add much, other than being an angry employee who Nick tries to frame. This exchange also confused me:

ABNER (indignant)
Who dropped this banana peel?
Nick looks away. John helps Abner up.
JOHN
Just clean it up. We’ve got to be on the road in ten minutes!
Nick motions Abner to the Barber. Abner fumes. Nick ushers John around the corner to the alley.

Why does Nick motion Abner to the Barber?
I also feel like John’s pressing of Nick for info ran long. I understand John was trying to get Nick to confess to sabotaging the spices by offering him shares in the business, but John’s sudden change of heart seems abrupt after he spent so much time accusing Nick and providing evidence.
Overall, great job at hitting the traits and subtext, though I wasn’t sure where Nick’s rebelliousness happened. Looking forward to reading more of your scenes.

I also have been frustrated with replying on the forum. I have a solution. When you post the scene the first time, there is an “edit” option where those 3 dots are on the right side of the post. I click edit, and then repost and it usually is fixed. Sometimes there are some extraneous letters that I just delete. If it doesn’t fix itself the first time, I click edit again. Hope this helps!

[Blair Marino]

Thank you. Yes, Trent’s subtext was too vague. I envisioned Trent pretending he was rich to fool Mary into making her interested in him.

[Blair Marino]

Blair's critique of Deb's rewrite
Traits:
Robert: Smooth—Robert walks away with Trent’s wallet. Did he steal Trent’s wallet when Trent thought he left it? It was unclear.
Secretive—“Shh, Meemaw Granny doesn’t know”
Gregarious –when he announces for everyone to drink up. Also when he salutes Trent
Low self-esteem—“Robert hangs his head…”
Subtext: Robert tells his cousin that Trent is going to get Pappy’s gun.

Trent: Conspiring—Hiding the diamonds in his cast.
Aggressive—“You ruin my birthday, and I’ll pound you”
Meticulous—His clothes are fine and he wears an ascot
Needy—for the 38 special; Making a big deal about sitting on the couch with his cast.
Subtext: Trent wants Robert to pay and makes up that he can’t pay because he doesn’t have his wallet

Interest techniques:
• Surprise- nice use with the diamonds in the cast.
• Betrayal- Trent tricks Robert to go behind the curtain and then knocks him over.
• Superior position- Trent threatens Robert several times.
• Suspense- Not knowing what Trent is going to do to Robert behind the curtain.
• Interesting setting-airplane
I enjoyed this and liked your use of colloquialism in the dialogue. I’m looking forward to reading more of your scenes.