Brian Walsh
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Lesson Fifteen Assignment
Brian G. Walsh’s Horror Outline Version 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s going to take a lot of work before this outline is presentable.
1. EXT. RURAL STREET – NIGHT
A young man climbs over the low stone wall of a cemetery, drops down to the grass, then runs.
2. EXT. CEMETERY PLOT- NIGHT
The man digs up a grave. He keeps looking over his shoulder, wipes sweat from his brow. He digs until his shovel hits the coffin. He jumps inside, tries to pry the lid open but can’t. The ground shakes. Dirt starts falling into the hole. He climbs out. The ground shakes more violently. He runs away.
INT. ABANDONED COPPER MINE – DAY
Walls fall, dust fills the air. In a hidden dugout behind a wall, a large coffin shakes. The coffin has an inscription in Latin burned into it by a branding iron. A dozen soft voices, blended together, whisper from inside the coffin.
NOTE: OPENING SCENE
Horror Situation: The young man is digging up a grave.
• APPREHENSION:
Man keeps looking over his shoulder as if he’s afraid to be caught and stopped.
• FEAR: He runs away from the grave.
• SUSPENSE: The ground shakes. Is it related to the grave he is digging up? Is it a warning to stop?
3. EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT
A Sheriff’s Department car patrols the road to the cemetery. Kenny Marshall climbs the wall and drops to his feet outside, twisting his ankle. Deputy John Moss sees him and stops the car. He flashes the red and blue lights. Marshall climbs back over the wall and disappears inside the cemetery. Moss calls it in and gives chase.
4. EXT. CEMETERY PLOT – NIGHT
Marshall hobbles over to the grave. He drops to his knees before the open grave, recites a prayer. Deputy Moss hears his chanting and follows the sound. Calls for help directly fro the “demon of the wind,” Ephippas, who contacted him previously through a medium. The wind picks up. Moss confronts him, approaches the open grave. Moss moves to cuff him. He glances into the open grave to see the coffin is open. Marshall gasps. The ground shakes again. Moss falls into the grave, on top of the corpse. The corpse strangles him.
5. EXT. RURAL HOUSE – DAY.
LUCAS COOPER, 35, Black, works under the hood of his car. A large German Shepherd lies beside the car. The dog’s ears perk up. He gets up. The dog runs for the house. A flock of birds flies off. Other animals run across the nearby woods. The ground shakes. Lucas struggles to stay on his feet. The quake hits. This time it’s a full earthquake. Lucas crawls under the car for cover.
6. EXT. MOHAWK MINE – DAY
TV news reporter Denise Washington reports on the earthquake from in front of the adit, or mine entrance dug horizontally into the side of the hill. Sheriff’s deputies and others are visible behind her. Deputy John Moss looks our way. He stares a moment, then looks away.
7. EXT. / INT. PRISON – DAY
Prisoner Raleigh Douglass waits for transfer for psych evaluation from specialist. He sees his ex-wife on TV and learns about the earthquake. He strains at his handcuffs but can’t get free.
FLASHBACK: Raleigh dragging the coffin into the mine, then running his finger across the Latin inscription.
INT. RURAL HOME – DAY
Lucas tells his daughter, Stephanie, that he has to go to check on something due to the earthquake. She asks him what but he won’t say. She asks if it has anything to do with that coffin he and Raleigh took away from the mountain last year after Raleigh killed Arnold Fanning. He tells her Raleigh acted in self-defense and to mind her own business.
8. EXT. / INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – DAY
Sheriff Reynolds shoots the breeze with retired Sheriff Knickerbocker, who came in to volunteer to help, and Christine Diamond, his senior deputy. They get updates on earthquake damage. Reynolds sends out deputies.
9. EXT. OLD CEMETERY – DAY
Marshall inspects the grave. A dark silhouette appears. Marshall bows his head.
10. EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Prison van transporting Raleigh. A huge quake causes the driver to lose control of the transport. It flips over, slides right over the side of the road and tumbles part-way down the side of a mountain. Both prison guards are hurt and unconscious. The rear door is smashed in. Raleigh forces it completely open. He goes up front, finds the keys to his cuffs and removes them. He takes a gun, pepper spray and a taser with him, then sets off for the mine.
11.EXT. MOHAWK MINE – NIGHT
Lucas Cooper hovers around the mine entrance, now abandoned. There is a sign preventing entry to the mine. The wind picks up, becoming fierce. He ducks under the sign and enters the mine. Denise Washington watches and films him from her cellphone. She runs to her car.
12. EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Deputy Oak Harris finds the damaged transport van. He radios for emergency help and reports that a prisoner has escaped. He curses Raleigh for not having called it in and vows to get him.
13. EXT. MOHAWK MINE – NIGHT
Kenny Marshall sneaks around the mine entrance. He enters the mine.
14. INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Reynolds puts out a BOLO for Raleigh, telling everyone he is the escaped prisoner. He is armed and dangerous. He asks Christine if she has any idea what Raleigh might have planned. Knickerbocker remembers Raleigh’s concern about the mine, the place he and Lucas Cooper used to hang out when they were kids. Christine confirms that Raleigh used to hang out there when he was in high school. Reynolds asks about Raleigh’s crazy story. Knickerbocker tells him Raleigh said a solid gold cross had been placed on a dead priest’s body that contained a horde of demons. He said he was satisfied now because the cross was in place and the demons couldn’t get out. Willie Klein and Paul Wayne, two volunteers overhear the conversation and make tracks, eager to get their hands on the gold cross.
15. EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Raleigh runs as fast as he can.
16. INT. MINE – NIGHT
Kenny Marshall searches the mine. He calls out to the demons but gets no response. He tries again, and invokes the name of the Demon of the Wind. He hears whispering from the demon horde, follows the sound.
Ambulance, fire and another sheriff’s deputy car arrives at scene of accident. Oak tells Deputy Hugh Taylor to remain. He is going to find Raleigh.
17. EXT. MOHAWK MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Denise stands at the entrance, peeking in past the sign. The wind picks up, blows loose objects. Denise turns – the black silhouette flies towards her like a sheet blown off a clothesline. Denise hits the ground.
18. INT. RURAL HOME – NIGHT – LATER
Stephanie Cooper sits watching a TV news report about the earthquake. The back door rattles. She looks around, holds onto her chair, expecting another quake. Nothing. She goes to the back door, opens the curtains – Raleigh Douglass’ face is pressed against the glass.
Oak pulls up at Denise Washington’s house. He notices car is gone, but calls her on the phone and bangs on the door anyway. Frustrated, he walks around back. Denise is sitting on the steps to her back porch. Oak questions her. She behaves strangely. She tells him she saw infinity, the end of human civilization. She also saw Lucas Cooper enter the mine. Oak ignores her weird and tells her he’s going to stop Raleigh. Denise tells Oak he has to kill Raleigh. He’s a man on a mission and he’s insane. Oak tells her he’ll take care of Raleigh permanently, but he’s got to go because he believes Lucas and Raleigh might have arranged a rendezvous so Lucas can help Raleigh disappear and remain free.
INT. MINE WORKSHOP – NIGHT
Lucas finds the priest’s casket partially revealed, jutting out from the wall. He tries to shove it back inside the wall where he and Raleigh buried it but it’s stuck. He goes in search of tools.
Volunteers Willie Klein and Paul Wayne arrive. They look around, then run for the mine entrance. They squeeze past the sign and caution tape and enter the mine.
Lucas searches the Drilling Chamber for tools. He finds a large hammer and chisel, sets them aside. He grabs a shovel.
Kenny Marshall sees Lucas, follows him back to the coffin. Kenny attacks Lucas, knocks him out with a blow to the head. He takes the shovel and uses it to dig the coffin out. The demon horde is excitedly whispering.
INT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Oak searches slowly and carefully. He hears the whispers of the horde of demons. He follows the sound.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Willie Klein and Paul Wayne separate to save time. They each go off in search of the cross.
INT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Raleigh quickly eats food prepared for him by Stephanie. He asks her where Lucas is and she tells him he went to the mine. He asks if he took the explosives but Stephanie doesn’t know. Raleigh checks where Lucas had explosives hidden. They are still there. He takes two sticks of dynamite and stuffs them in his shirt. When he goes to retrieve Oak’s gun it’s gone. He turns to see Stephanie holding it.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Kenny Marshall tosses the shovel aside, pulls the coffin out from the wall. He notices the Latin inscription on the coffin lid. He opens the coffin and jerks back. Inside is the perfectly-preserved body of an Exorcist-Priest from almost 300 years ago. Marshall calls out to Ephippas to appear before him. Ephippas is the demon of the wind. He calls Ephippas to provide protection from the demons inside the priest’s corpse and for any human who would try to interfere with him. Nothing happens. The demons inside the corpse whisper, restless. Marshall gets nervous. He checks Lucas, who is still out cold.
INT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Stephanie holds the gun. Raleigh takes a step back. He tells her he’s got to get to Lucas before something happens. That thing will kill him! Stephanie lowers the gun, hands it to him. She tells him she never believed what they said about him in court and on TV. That wife of yours – “Ex-wife,” Raleigh cuts her off. Raleigh takes the gun, collects the stun gun and tells her to lock the doors and not let anyone in.
Oak Harris pulls up in Stephanie’s driveway. He gets out of the car, takes out his gun. He circles the property.
INT. / EXT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Inside, Raleigh moves to the back door. Stephanie looks out the front window. She sees the police car.
Raleigh steps out the back door. He is hit by Oak, sending him down the steps and into the dirt. The gun flies out from his pants. Raleigh surrenders, tells Oak not to shoot. Stephanie comes to the back door. Oak picks up Raleigh punches him in the face. He prevents him from falling and punches him in the gut. Raleigh doubles over. The two sticks of dynamite drop to the ground. Oak is distracted by that. Raleigh pulls out the taser and stuns Oak. Oak drops. Raleigh collects the dynamite.
EXT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Stephanie steps out and tells Raleigh that Oak’s car is out front. Raleigh takes the keys from Oak, grabs his gun and tears the radio off his shirt and takes them. Raleigh runs around to the front of the house. Stephanie gets in the passenger side of Oak’s car. Raleigh gets in the driver’s side and tells Stephanie she can’t go with him because it’s too dangerous. She tells him it’s going to be more dangerous staying here when that racist cop wakes up. Raleigh drives off.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Christine pulls up to the mine in her car with Deputy Johnson. They check the mine entrance. Chris tells Johnson to stay outside while she goes inside to check. She tells him not to shoot Raleigh unless he has to.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Christine uses her flashlight but keeps one hand on her gun.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
The demons whisper to Kenny Marshall, ordering him to open the coffin and release them. Marshall forces the lid open. He stares at the priest’s body. He runs his fingers across the huge gold cross. Marshall forces the demons to promise him riches and power. The demons are angry, but they acquiesce. Marshall lifts the gold cross off the corpse. Its eyes open. One hand grabs Marshall by the throat and throttles him. Marshall drops the cross. It falls on the priest’s chest and burns him. The demons inside shriek in agony. The cross bounces off him and hits the ground. The priest drops Marshall’s lifeless body, which falls on top of the cross. The priest rises. He sees the unconscious Lucas and walks over to him.
INT. POLICE CAR – NIGHT
In Deputy Harris’ car, Raleigh listens to the police band. He hears about the search for him. He hears that there was a report of someone entering the mine. Raleigh drives faster.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Paul Wayne searches. He hears whispers. He follows the sound until he sees the priest from behind, walking away from him. Wayne calls out to him. Keene turns and gestures for Wayne to come to him. Wayne realizes he’s a priest. He asks what he’s doing down here and tells him it’s not safe. Raleigh Douglass escaped. The sheriff believes he’s on his way here. Upon hearing Raleigh’s name, multiple demons howl from inside Father Bartholomew Keene. Wayne stares in shock. He backs away. The priest reaches out to him. His eyes, ears, nose and mouth glow softly. The priest calls Paul Wayne by his full name and orders him to come to him. In terror, Wayne runs into the Tailings Room, where all of the waste rock is dumped. It ends in a solid wall of rock. He searches all along the wall for an exit but finds none. He turns and runs back to the entrance. The priest stands there, blocking his path. Wayne picks up a hammer and tells the priest to get out of his way. The priest walks slowly towards him, arms outstretched. Wayne pushes him but the priest grabs his arm with an iron grip. With his other hand he claws at Wayne’s throat. Wayne screams. The priest seizes his throat. Wayne pounds him with the hammer. Pieces of desiccated flesh break off the corpse. The glow from Keene’s eyes, nose, ears and mouth intensifies with each piece of flesh that flakes off his corpse. The demons laugh in pleasure, then strangle Wayne to death.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Hearing the scream, Christine uses her radio but gets nothing but static. Something is interfering with the radio. She draws her gun and carefully moves forward.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh and Stephanie pull up well before the mine at the site of a police car. They get out and spy Deputy Johnson near the entrance. Raleigh doesn’t know him, but Stephanie tells him he’s a new guy, only on the job a month. Stephanie causes a diversion to get Johnson away from the mine so Raleigh can sneak inside. Due to Stephanie’s story, Johnson calls for backup.
EXT. LUCAS COOPER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Denise pulls up at Lucas Cooper’s house. Oak Harris is staggering just outside the front door. Oak tosses her from the car and drives off in it, headed for the mine. Denise pulls out her cellphone and calls Sheriff Knickerbocker. He’s retired, so he can give her an exclusive. He agrees, so she tells him everything.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Christine finds the body of Paul Wayne. She wonders if Raleigh killed him. She tries her radio again, to no avail. She decides she has to exit the mine and regroup.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Willie Klein sneaks around, whispering for Paul. He see Christine, hides to avoid her. When he’s sure she’s gone, he resumes his search.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh searches and is caught by Christine, who aims her gun at him.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Keene searches for a way out. The demons argue among themselves inside him about the stupidity of killing Marshall, Wayne and Klein before finding the way out. One of them remembers the unconscious body of Lucas Cooper. Keene goes back to find him.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh pleads with Christine. He tells her what is at stake and promises to surrender to her after he finds the corpse and makes sure it’s still hidden. Christine tells him about finding Paul Wayne’s body. She knows Raleigh didn’t do it because he’s coming in and there’s only one way in and out of this mine. Raleigh tells her there is another way out, but it might not be accessible anymore. She is skeptical, but she tells him to lead on. She will stay behind him with her gun at his back.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Outside, Deputy Johnson realizes that Stephanie is messing with him and wonders why. He searches and finds Deputy Harris’s police car. He calls for backup. Oak Harris pulls up in Denise Washington’s car. Stephanie sees him and runs off.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Klein falls into an open hole in the mine, barely catching on to the edge of the floor above. He calls for help.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
At the mine entrance, Johnson, Oak Harris and Deputy Hugh Taylor commiserate. Oak claims Raleigh assaulted him and took his gun. He is armed and dangerous and must be shot on sight.
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Stephanie watches the three cops from her hiding place. She sneaks off up the side of the hill.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Keene arrives at the spot where Lucas’ body was lying. He is gone. The demons argue again, sending the corpse bouncing off the walls in rage. Hearing Klein’s call for help, the demons stop arguing. Keene walks slowly off.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Lucas watches Keene from a hiding place. He sneaks away.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh surreptitiously switches off the radio so he can hear the police chatter if he can escape from Christine, not realizing it doesn’t work down here. He explains the story of Bartholomew Keene to Christine.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Klein hears someone coming. He shouts louder and gives thanks to God. A hand extends to him. He grasps it and is pulled up. On his knees, he releases the hand, notices dead, flaky skin on his fingers. He looks up to see Bartholomew Keene standing over him. Keene lifts him off his feet by his neck and strangles him, burning out his eyes, nose, ears and mouth. Keene’s orifices glow more brightly as he drinks in Klein’s soul.
EXT. HILL ABOVE MINE – NIGHT
Stephanie searches for the mine shaft vent. She finds it almost completely concealed by dirt and rocks. She starts digging with her hands, but finds it too difficult. She sneaks away.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Oak searches. He hears noise up ahead and hides. Lucas sneaks by in the direction of the exit. Oak grabs him, punches him several times until he drops. On his knees, Lucas tells Oak he won’t fight him. He’s done nothing wrong. Oak accuses him of aiding and abetting the escape of a convicted murderer. Lucas tells him that the body of Bartholomew Keene is missing. Oak tells him he doesn’t believe that nonsense about demons. Lucas says he can show him the coffin. Oak tells him he’s going to show Lucas a coffin with his name on it if he doesn’t tell him where Raleigh Douglass is hiding. Lucas tells him he hasn’t seen Raleigh in more than a year. Oak says that’s the wrong answer and hits Lucas again. He picks Lucas up by the scruff of his neck. Oak tells him he’s going to use Lucas as a human shield until he finds Raleigh.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Retired Sheriff Knickerbocker and Denise Washington arrive at the mine. He gets an update from Deputy Johnson, then goes inside with Deputy Taylor to search. He won’t let Denise go inside. Angry, she walks off.
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Out of sight of the mine, Denise sees Stephanie Cooper picking her way across the hilltop with a shovel and other tools. She ducks out of sight and then follows Stephanie.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
The demons inside Keene argue again. Many complain about killing the three men, saying one of them could have led them out of the mine. We must not make that mistake again. One exception: Raleigh Douglass. If we find him, we will rip him to shreds, torture him to death for what he has done to us.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh makes it to the spot he had buried the body. He sees the open casket and the dead body of Kenny Marshall with his orifices burned out. He checks Marshall’s neck and pulse to make sure he’s dead. He remembers Marshall from the trial. Marshall is Arnold Fanning’s illegitimate brother. I knew he was involved somehow. He must have dug up the coffin. But why did the demons kill him? Christine asks about the Latin inscription, Raleigh tells her. He tells her about the cross, which must be recovered if they are to neutralize the corpse with the demons inside.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Lucas leads Oak through the mine, hoping for a chance to escape. Bartholomew Keene steps out to block their way. Lucas gasps, tries to run but Oak catches him and slugs him, knocking him down. Oak orders Keene to identify himself. The collection of demon voices answers: “I am legion. For we are many.” Oak steps back, unnerved. The multiple voices coming from the priest, who looks strange, is bizarre. Lucas tells Oak that’s the corpse of an Exorcist-Priest named Bartholomew Keene, who died in the late 17th Century. Oak sees the skin flake off Keene’s body. He asks Keene if he’s seen Raleigh Douglass. The collection of demon voices shrieks thunderously. Oak stumbles back. Lucas runs. Keene launches himself across the divide at Oak, tackling him. He gets up, lifts Oak off his feet with one hand and orders him to show him the way out of the mine.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Lucas runs, screaming for help.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh and Christine hear Lucas’ cry for help, coming from far away. Raleigh runs but Christine shouts for him to stop. He turns to see her aiming her gun at him. She can’t take the chance that this might be a trick to escape. She tells him to go slowly.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Outside, Stephanie digs out the mine vent. Denise watches.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Knickerbocker and Taylor decide to split up to search for the source of the screaming.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Keene holds onto Oak’s arm. Oak sneaks a gun out of his holster, jams it into the priest’s side and fires repeatedly. The priest is pushed back a step. Skin drops off the corpse. The areas of penetration glow, seething with energy trying to escape. The demon voices thank Oak and tell him to shoot every bullet. Oak stares in disbelief. “Raleigh told the truth.” The demons go wild. Keene seizes Oak by the throat, throttles him but stops short of killing him. He drops to the ground, clutching at his throat. The demon voices order him not to say that name again. Keene orders him to get up and lead him out. Oak staggers to his feet. Keene warns him if he tries to escape he will kill him.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Deputy John Moss arrives at the mine. He joins Deputy Johnson at the entrance and convinces Johnson to go inside to help the search while he remains outside to guard the entrance. When Moss is alone, he takes out a cellphone and dials.
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Denise picks up her phone. She speaks with the voice of Ephippas, the Demon of the Wind. She tells Moss, who she calls “Fanning,” that Stephanie is opening up an alternate escape path that they might be able to use. When Stephanie finishes opening the vent, Denise will kill her. If anyone tries to leave the mine, Fanning (Moss) is to kill them.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Deputy Taylor comes upon Keene and Oak. He can see that Oak is a prisoner. He orders Keene to stand back and to release Oak. The collection of demon voices chuckles. Taylor stares, confused. Oak tells him to run and bring back help, everyone he can find. Keene seizes Oak by the neck and lifts him off his feet. He throttles him. Taylor shoots. Oak struggles to tell him not to shoot, but Keene chokes him into unconsciousness. Taylor unloads every bullet into Keene. He drops Oak to the ground. Energy throbs from multiple holes in Keene’s corpse. Plugs of skin drop to the ground. The collection of demon voices explodes with raucous laughter. Taylor runs. Keene launches himself after him but barely misses Taylor. Keene hits the ground hard. His body lies there, unmoving. Oak lies unconscious.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Taylor runs into Lucas Cooper. Hysterical, he tells him what happened. Lucas tells him they have to find the gold cross and use it to neutralize Keene. Taylor thinks he’s crazy, but Lucas tells him it’s the only way to stop Keene. He tells him that everything Raleigh Douglass said about Keene and Arnold Fanning was true. Raleigh is not a murderer. Taylor acknowledges what he saw and agrees to help Lucas find the cross.
INT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh and Christine hear what sounds like whispering. The ground shakes. A huge old miner’s chisel drops from a ledge right between them. They both sigh in relief. Raleigh picks it up. Christine admonishes him with a look. Self-defense, he tells her. I would never hurt you, Chris. The sound we heard must have been from the quake. Raleigh disagrees. It was them. I know those voices. Raleigh moves forward in the direction of the voices. Christine kneels to examine something shining from under the dirt where the chisel hit, a shadow falls across her. She hops aside as the Exorcist-Priest falls on the spot she just vacated. Raleigh pulls Christine to her feet. Father Keene bounces to his feet and turns. Raleigh runs and with all his strength slams the chisel into Keene’s belly, impaling him and driving him into the wall. Keene drops face-first to the ground. Shaking badly, Raleigh slumps against the wall. He sinks to his knees, weak from exertion. Christine circles Keene’s body. The chisel has gone completely through his body. No movement. No light coming from his orifices. They just might have silenced the demons. She gets down beside Raleigh, hugs him. “You did it!” The chisel explodes out from Keene’s body, blinding light seeping from the gaping wound in his mid-section. Facing away from them, Keene bounces to his feet. Keene catches the chisel, raps it into his palm. Raleigh and Christine rise shakily to their feet. They quietly move away along the wall. Keene turns to face them. Keene fires the chisel at them. It goes right through the collar of Christine’s shirt, pinning her to the wall.
Keene LAUNCHES himself at her –
Raleigh steps in the way –
Keene bowls him over, then hits the ground.
Raleigh is slammed against the wall.
Christine struggles to break free.
Keene gets to his knees.
Christine kicks Keene in the face.
Keene grabs her leg, pulls himself up.
Keene gets in Christine’s face.
Christine grabs the crucifix around her neck and
SHOVES it in Keene’s face.
The Demon Voices SCREAM in agony.
Keene recoils in horror. His body flips end-over-end and hits the ground.
Christine TEARS free from her uniform shirt.
Raleigh grabs her arm. They both run for their lives.
INT. HAULAGE WAY – NIGHT
Raleigh tells Christine he believes that the demons imprisoned inside the priest’s body are some of the most powerful and important fallen angels cast out of Heaven. Without them, Satan is incapable of fulfilling his plans. He believes the earthquake somehow dislodged the coffin. Christine asks if the quake caused the cross to come off the body. Raleigh says he was told that was impossible, that only a human being could remove it, but now he doesn’t know.
Raleigh and Christine find a minecart. Christine steps inside. Raleigh pushes and the cart increases speed. When it gets going fast he climbs inside. The Exorcist-Priest pops up from inside it where he was hiding.
Battling the priest inside an accelerating minecart, Raleigh & Christine push the corpse out into an open mine shaft. The priest’s body disappears. Christine and Raleigh jump out just before the minecart crashes into a wall. Lucas catches up to them with dynamite. Despite the danger of a cave-in, he looks down upon the priest’s still body at the bottom of the shaft, lights a stick and drops it. The mine rains down rocks and debris. They look back down the shaft to see the area covered in rocks and dirt.
Deputy Taylor finds them. Against Christine’s objections, he arrests Raleigh and Lucas. He cuffs Raleigh and asks Christine to cuff Lucas. She tells Taylor that what Raleigh said is true. There is a corpse with a horde of demons inside. Taylor wonders if she’s on drugs or just delusional from the cave-in. Taylor tells her to cuff Lucas or he’ll take her handcuffs and do it himself. She does but shares a knowing look with Lucas. She doesn’t secure the cuffs.
INT. MINE WORKSHOP – NIGHT
Deputy Knickerbocker finds Marshall’s dead body. He rolls him over. The cross is under his body. Knickerbocker picks it up, his jaw drops. FLASHBACK: Raleigh being handcuffed by Knickerbocker. Raleigh tells him the only thing keeping those demons imprisoned is the cross that was blessed with a prayer to keep the demons inside and to keep the priest’s body incorruptible. Return to present: Knickerbocker has the cross but doesn’t know what the prayer is.
Knickerbocker tucks the cross inside his shirt and goes in pursuit. He hears the sound of digging. He goes over to a hole in the ground. He sees hands reaching out from under a pile of rock and debris. A soft voice cries for help. Knickerbocker asks who it is. The hands dig faster. Knickerbocker helps dig. His hand is seized. The priest’s head pops out from under the dirt. It talks about a tragedy from the old sheriff’s past. Knickerbocker stares, wide-eyed, as the priest rises from the debris. When it lets go of him to stand, he jumps back and rolls away from the hole. Knickerbocker pulls his gun and aims . . .
FLASHBACK . . . A handcuffed Raleigh telling him that the demons want the priest’s body destroyed so they will be free.
Knickerbocker leans over for a closer look. The cross falls out from under his jacket and hits the priest. Multiple voices shriek in agony. The cross bounces off him and hits the dirt. The imprint of the cross has been burned into the Exorcist-Priest’s outer cassock. The demons howl. Knickerbocker gets to his feet. The demon leaps up and grabs onto the edge of the hole.
Knickerbocker stumbles away in full retreat. The Exorcist-Priest hauls himself up, a dozen blended voices cursing softly, and gets to his feet. It pursues Knickerbocker, calling his name and preying on his guilt from past mistakes.
INT. MINE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Knickerbocker runs into Taylor, Raleigh, Christine and Lucas. He tells them what happened. Taylor shakes his head, thinks Knickerbocker is an old fool and has probably gone senile. Raleigh tells him they must retrieve the cross but Taylor is dismissive. Knickerbocker agrees and tells them how the priest reacted when the cross hit him. The priest reaches them, calls out in its collective voice. Taylor is momentarily paralyzed. Knickerbocker tells him that the priest is going to kill them all Taylor orders the priest to stop, but he continues walking towards him. The priest sniffs Taylor, mentions Taylor’s personal guilt and tells Taylor he is going to kill him. Taylor strikes the priest with his nightstick. The priest seizes his wrist and makes him drop it, then grabs him by the neck and tears his head off.
INT. 2ND LEVEL TUNNEL – NIGHT
Knickerbocker, Christine, Raleigh and Lucas run to retrieve the cross. Knickerbocker stumbles into the priest and screams for help, but falls through the same hole that Paul Wayne fell through. Raleigh, Christine and Lucas hear Knickerbocker’s scream cut short. The priest looks down but Knickerbocker isn’t moving, having landed on Wayne’s body. The priest hears Raleigh calling for Knickerbocker and hides. When Raleigh, Lucas and Christine arrive, the Exorcist-Priest lunges at them, knocking them down like bowling pins.
Raleigh jumps to his feet while Lucas and Christine rush to recover the cross. The Exorcist-Priest grabs Lucas by the ankle and reels him in. Raleigh charges. The Exorcist-Priest releases Lucas and backs Raleigh into a corner. The Exorcist-Priest tells Raleigh he knows who he is and lunges for him. Raleigh ducks under him. The priest turns to find –
The cross right in his face, held by Christine, her hands shaking. The Exorcist-Priest is frozen still. Christine holds it while Raleigh and Lucas try to drag the priest’s body away but it is incredibly heavy. They find an old wheel barrel, push him into it and drag it away. A minor quake knocks them down and Christine loses the cross. The priest crawls lightning-fast after Raleigh and grabs his ankle. Lucas jumps on the priest’s back but it rolls over and kicks him in the face. Raleigh punches the priest to no effect. The priest grabs Raleigh, lifts him into the air with one hand and chokes him. Christine recovers the cross and shoves it right into the priest’s face. The collection of voices screams. The image of the cross is burned into his face. The priest slowly drops to his knees. Christine shouts for him to help. Raleigh drags the priest the rest of the way and hurls him into his old coffin. The voices plead for release, alternately threaten and entice with rewards. Christine lays the cross on his chest with a sizzling sound. The priest’s eyes close.
They push the wheel barrel along a rail, up an incline that returns them to the first level of the mine.
EXT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Raleigh, Lucas and Christine exit the mine. They are stopped by the possessed deputy. He cuffs Raleigh even though Christine tells him it’s not necessary. The deputy shoots Christine and Lucas, then drags Raleigh back inside so he can find the priest and release the demons.
INT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Raleigh tries to lead him astray, but the deputy sniffs the air and follows the scent. Raleigh asks why he hasn’t killed him if he can track the priest without him. The deputy says he needs Raleigh to do a job for him, then he will set him free. Raleigh knows what the job is and he refuses to lead Moss to the Exorcist-Priest. Moss is furious, the disembodied voice of Arnold Fanning emerges, swearing vengeance for Raleigh having killed him, but he tells Raleigh that he’s going to allow the horde of demons to torture Raleigh with him.
Retired Sheriff Knickerbocker blasts the deputy with a shotgun. He helps Raleigh out of the mine. Outside, Christine is being tended to by paramedics. She will live but Lucas is dead. Knickerbocker asks why the demon inside the deputy didn’t kill Raleigh. Raleigh tells him that he needed him alive because only a living human being can remove the cross. A corpse animated by a demon can’t do it.
-
Lesson 26: QE Cycle #6: Write this Scene
LOGLINE: A young woman confronts her writer boyfriend about getting a job, only to realize that she can’t leave him because she is in love with him.
ESSENCE: If you love someone you won’t force them to change if it will make that person miserable.
SITUATION: Carley and Marcus are fighting until they realize they were meant to be together.
SCENE ARC: From two people fighting to them kissing.
SCENE:
INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – DAY
Sparsely furnished. A worn couch, a desk with scratches, and it’s got books, CD’s and notebooks on it.
A painting of Custer’s Last Stand has pride of place over the dusty, cobwebbed fireplace.
CARLEY, 22, cute, chubby, glasses, enters from outside, hangs her coat on the rack. She scans the room.
CARLEY
Marcus? You up?
She plucks an open piece of mail off the desktop and quickly reads it.
MARCUS, 26, lean, unshaven, comes out from the bedroom, laptop in arms.
CARLEY (CONT’D)
We have to talk.
MARCUS
What time is it?
Carley sets the letter back on the desk.
CARLEY
When are you going to grow up?
Marcus sets the laptop on the desk, sinks into the chair.
MARCUS
Never, I hope.
He pushes the letter aside.
CARLEY
Honey, I’m worried about you. You keep
saying you’re gonna get a job. You’re rent
is past due.
MARCUS
I spent two hours on Indeed last night.
CARLEY
What? No one wants to hire you to write a
novel or screenplay? I’m flabbergasted.
MARCUS
Coming from you, that really hurts.
Carley comes to his side, kisses his cheek.
CARLEY
Tough love, baby. If I don’t look after
you, who will? You gotta get a job
before you’re out on the street.
MARCUS
When I sell my first novel –
CARLEY
(sarcastic)
I know, I know. We’re gonna be living
large and rolling in dough.
MARCUS
Well at least I’ll be able to sleep at night.
CARLEY
What’s that supposed to mean?
MARCUS
Just look at yourself. A couple more years
in law school and you’ll be defending
mega corporations destroying the
environment.
CARLEY
I won’t be working for companies like that!
MARCUS
It’s all about the money, baby. You have to
pay back your student loans. All your high-
minded morals will go out the door when
your best offers are from companies like
Monsanto.
CARLEY
I won’t just go for the money. But there’s
more opportunity in the legal field than
there is with your pie-in-the-sky dreams
of becoming the next James Patterson.
MARCUS
I just gotta make connections. I don’t know
anybody in the business. It’s not what you
know, it’s who you know.
CARLEY
I’ll bet every failed writer says that.
Marcus looks down, hurt.
MARCUS
You sound just like my dad.
CARLEY
You’re very successful dad.
MARCUS
So you want me to be like my very
successful dad and my very miserable
mom.
CARLEY
Why can’t you just take one of those
factory jobs and write when you get
home from work?
MARCUS
I’ve had those jobs. Sure, I can get
another one. I just thought that by now . . .
CARLEY
My parents told me to stop seeing you.
(holds up hand)
I know, I know. I’m not a kid and I don’t
live with them so I don’t have to listen
to them.
MARCUS
But?
CARLEY
But they have a point.
MARCUS
You mean I’m a loser.
CARLEY
You’re not a loser, but you are a
dreamer.
MARCUS
Now you sound like my mother.
CARLEY
You don’t have any drive or ambition,
other than working on that novel.
MARCUS
I love writing, Carley. It’s the only thing
I can do worth a damn.
CARLEY
It’s killing you. You take the rejections
so personally.
MARCUS
My writing is a part of me. When they tell
me it’s not good enough they’re saying I’m
not good enough.
CARLEY
I’ve heard all this before and let me tell
you, Marcus, your refusal to face reality
and act responsibly IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Carley takes her coat off the coat rack.
MARCUS
It was a mistake. Us getting together. The first
time I saw your face . . . I just couldn’t help myself.\
But God only knows what you ever saw in me.
CARLEY
If you could just . . .
(beat)
No. You won’t change.
MARCUS
I don’t want to change. You always know
what you’re getting with me, babe. So,
take it or leave it, this is as good as it
gets with me.
Carley buttons her coat, picks up her bag.
MARCUS
You don’t need a loser like me, Carley. You
should be with some young lawyer. Someone
who can give you all the things you deserve.
CARLEY
(in tears)
And you sure don’t need me, Marcus. You
don’t need someone dragging you down.
Telling you you should get a job. Shitting
on you like your folks do.
MARCUS
You really gonna leave on the eve of my
greatest success?
CARLEY
I’m sorry, honey, but you’re greatest success
was honorable mention in that screenwriting
contest.
MARCUS
That says something, doesn’t it? It keeps me
going, knowing –
CARLEY
Knowing what? Knowing you’ve got just
enough talent to be almost good enough?
Tears fill Marcus’ eyes. He hangs his head.
MARCUS
(softly)
Please –
CARLEY
It’s not gonna work this time. I’m not gonna
feel sorry for you. You’re gonna go on
torturing yourself, fooling yourself into
believing you’ll become an A-List
screenwriter while the eviction notices
pile up on your desk.
(beat)
I’ve had enough! I’ve got to move on with
my life or I’m never gonna have a life.
Carley goes to the door, opens it.
MARCUS
(softly)
There is one thing I love even more than
writing.
(beat)
I would give it up for you.
Carley stands frozen, unable to decide what to do. She wipes tears from her cheeks.
CARLEY
Marcus . . .
MARCUS
I won’t even ask you to give up becoming
a lawyer.
Carley slams the door shut, marches back over to Marcus.
CARLEY
(angry)
That’s different! Becoming an attorney is a
legitimate career, and a well-paying one.
Marcus lifts her off her feet, swings her around, kisses her.
MARCUS
You’re staying!
Carley kisses him back.
CARLEY
I give up. I’m just as hopeless as you are.
MARCUS
I’m hopeless alright. Hopelessly in love.
-
Lesson 23 Assignment-QE Cycle #5-Write This Scene
LOGLINE: A young woman unwittingly confesses to serious crimes in order to protect the scheming older man who is using her to discredit her father, the governor.
ESSENCE: Phillip’s plan works out perfectly when Brandy confesses to crimes she didn’t commit. He feels guilty, but not guilty enough to take responsibility for his actions.
SCENE ARC: From Phillip looking vulnerable to being revealed as a cowardly, scheming opportunist who will do anything to get ahead.
SCENE:
EXT. LT.-GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY
A police car and an unmarked detective’s car are passed through security.
INT. PRESS SECRETARY’S OFFICE – DAY
PHILLIP PAYNE, 30, reclines. BRANDY WINTERS, 19, sits on his lap. She kisses his face.
BRANDY
Tell me again how much you love me.
PHILLIP
More than a summer breeze on the beach.
More than a cellar full of the world’s most
expensive wines, more than a sky full of the
most distant stars.
Phillip kisses her.
Brandy sighs, content.
The intercom BUZZES.
Phillip activates it.
PHILLIP
What is it, Stephanie?
STEPHANIE (V.O.)
Mr. Payne, there are some police officers out here to see you.
Phillip sits up. Brandy jumps off his lap. He gestures for her to go into the next room.
PHILLIP
Give me just a minute to finish what I’m doing
and then send them in.
STEPHANIE (V.O.)
Yes, sir.
Brandy closes the door behind her from the adjacent room.
A minute later the door opens. STEPHANIE, 25, beautiful, sophisticated, escorts TWO UNIFORMED police officers and TWO MEN in business suits up to his Phillip’s desk.
PHILLIP
Thank you, Stephanie. That will be all.
Stephanie exits and closes the door behind her.
PHILLIP (CONT’D)
What can I do for you gentlemen?
DETECTIVE GUY DANFORTH, 35, and DETECTIVE JULIA THUROW, 30, step forward.
DANFORTH
I’m Detective Danforth, this is Detective Thurow.
Phillip nods.
JULIA
Nice office, Mr. Payne. It suits you.
PHILLIP
Thank you. I’ve paid my dues.
DANFORTH
Where were you last night between the hours of
midnight and five o’clock?
Phillip looks from Julia to Danforth.
PHILLIP
Where was I?
DANFORTH
It’s not a difficult question.
PHILLIP
I was in bed, of course. Reading until about one.
Then I went to sleep.
JULIA
Was anyone with you?
Phillip averts his eyes.
Danforth and Julia exchange a glance.
PHILLIP
What’s this all about?
DANFORTH
Just answer the question, Mr. Payne.
PHILLIP
I’m the press secretary to the lieutenant-governor.
You can’t intimidate me.
(beat)
I’m not answering any more questions until I
know what this is about.
DANFORTH
There was a break-in at the state cultural museum
last night.
JULIA
Several works of art were vandalized. Defaced.
PHILLIP
I don’t sleep in the cultural museum, so I don’t know
what this has to do with me.
DANFORTH
Your vehicle was spotted at the scene. It was noticed
by a patrol car just after eleven. A patrol car responded
to an alarm there at four-forty-four. A newspaper delivery
guy called it in, too. He saw your car flee the scene. Took
down the license plate. Your license plate.
PHILLIP
I’m sure you’re only performing due diligence, but this
is preposterous. The newsboy got the license wrong. It’s
as simple as that.
JULIA
Any objection to us taking a look at your car?
PHILLIP
I guess I’ll have to tell the lieutenant-governor about
this harassment. She adores me, you know. She’ll
want to call your supervisor. Then your supervisor
will explain the facts of life to you.
Julia holds up a search warrant.
JULIA
We’ve got a search warrant for you vehicle, Mr. Payne
PHILLIP
Why would I vandalize works of art?
DANFORTH
Why don’t you tell us? We can make it a whole
lot easier on you.
PHILLIP
What was vandalized?
DANFORTH
The new Pagliaroni Display.
PHILLIP
Ah! Man and Woman Eternal Embrace.
JULIA
You’re familiar with it.
PHILLIP
Governor Winters is familiar with it, too, as I’m
sure you know.
Danforth and Julia exchange another look.
PHILLIP
I don’t happen to be a prude like our governor. I
am a modern man. I think the human body is
a work of art. Why would I vandalize the display?
DANFORTH
I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with us.
PHILLIP
Am I under arrest?
DANFORTH
Since you’re refusing to cooperate and you don’t
have a witness to your whereabouts last night,
we’ll just take you downtown for questioning.
BRANDY (O.S.)
NO!
The door to the adjacent room swings open. Brandy rushes out.
The two uniform cops put their hands on their guns.
Brandy runs to Phillip’s side.
BRANDY
It was me!
JULIA
What was you?
BRANDY
I broke into the museum. I vandalized the
display. I stole Phillip’s car.
DANFORTH
Now why would you do that?
BRANDY
That display is an abomination. It’s an insult
to common decency.
Danforth looks at Julia, shakes his head.
DANFORTH
What is your name, young lady?
BRANDY
Brandy Winters. Governor Winters’ daughter.
DANFORTH
Whoa!
JULIA
Are you sure you know what you’re doing?
BRANDY
I’m not going to allow an innocent man to get
punished for what I did.
DANFORTH
You feel pretty strong about what you did.
BRANDY
You bet I do! And I’m going to be front page
news across the state. It’s high time someone
stood up for decency. This country is going
to hell due to liberal extremists.
Julia nods to one of the uniforms.
JULIA
Read her her rights, Zack.
ZACK steps forward, cuffs Brandy, then reads her rights.
BRANDY
I want a lawyer!
PHILLIP
Brandy, my dear girl. I admire you for taking
responsibility. Knowing how your father has
treated you, I’ll hire you a lawyer myself.
DANFORTH
You’d better hire her the best money can buy.
PHILLIP
I’m not cheap. My lawyer will have this plea
bargained to disorderly conduct with a fine and
community service.
(turns to Brandy)
You won’t serve more than a day in jail.
BRANDY
You two are so totally out of a job! Handcuffing
the governor’s daughter! I hope the press is outside.
JULIA
Brandy Winters, you are under arrest for suspicion
of first degree murder, armed robbery and malicious
destruction of property.
Phillip stands.
DANFORTH
Better call that mouthpiece, Mr. Payne.
Brandy looks at Phillip, her eyes wide.
BRANDY
Phillip! You didn’t –
PHILLIP
Don’t say another word. I’ll have my attorney
meet you at the station.
Zack and the other uniformed police officer take Brandy out.
DANFORTH
Sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Payne.
JULIA
She’s a little young for you, isn’t she?
PHILLIP
What’s that supposed to mean?
(beat)
Brandy’s not my girlfriend. I was just
helping her learn how things are run.
She had aspirations of running for public
office some day.
DANFORTH
Kiss that good-bye.
PHILLIP
I didn’t mean to be uncooperative, detective.
JULIA
Did you know she took your car?
PHILLIP
(shakes his head)
She did ask to borrow it but I turned
her down. She likes to drink and I didn’t
want to risk her getting into an accident
with my car.
(beat)
My witness. The woman who was with me
all night is my secretary, Stephanie.
DANFORTH
Why didn’t you just tell us?
PHILLIP
The lieutenant-governor. She wouldn’t approve
of me dating my secretary. It could cost me my
job. I trust there’s no need for her to know about
that.
JULIA
I don’t see any reason, provided you cooperate
with our investigation.
PHILLIP
I can’t testify against Brandy.
DANFORTH
You won’t need to do that. Just cooperate. We’ll
do the rest.
Phillip looks down, nods.
DANFORTH
Good day, Mr. Payne.
Danforth and Julia leave.
Phillip sinks down into his chair.
Stephanie walks in, closes the doors behind her, rushes to Phillip’s side.
STEPHANIE
Well?
Phillip nods. Stephanie exults.
STEPHANIE
The little fool really is in love with you.
PHILLIP
I’m not feeling particularly proud of myself.
STEPHANIE
This little scandal is just the beginning. The
governor’s daughter in a sensational murder
trial!
PHILLIP
Phase two will really hit him where it hurts.
There’s nothing like accusations of moral
turpitude to bring down someone who quotes
from the Bible every time he opens his mouth.
Stephanie kisses Phillip’s cheek, then his lips.
STEPHANIE
Don’t feel bad, baby.
PHILLIP
(softly)
A man is dead, Stephanie.
STEPHANIE
Shh! It was self-defense. He came at you.
PHILLIP
Did you really have to kill him?
STEPHANIE
I didn’t mean to hit him that hard.
(beat)
Besides, Governor Winters’ little
princess has been dying for her
fifteen minutes of fame.
PHILLIP
Which might turn out to be fifteen years
in prison.
-
Brian G. Walsh’s Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is that the interest techniques turn ordinary situations into extraordinary situations.
Logline: After being left “holding the bag” by his partner and arrested by the police, a criminal phones his partner for help while a police detective he made a deal with waits nearby.
TIM RYDER
I was pretty pissed off at first, but I calmed down.
I know you didn’t have a choice.
JERRY WAHL (V.O.)
I can help you, buddy. I’ve got your share, safe and sound.
TIM RYDER
We can’t talk on the phone. Meet me at the ice cream
shop on the waterfront in one hour.
Silence.
TIM RYDER (CONT’D)
The clock’s ticking on me, pal. We still partners or not?
JERRY WAHL (V.O.)
One hour.
Tim puts down the phone. We see he is not alone. DETECTIVE RALPH BRONSON, 55, waits close by.
TIM RYDER
“That good enough, detective?”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“Just make sure you’re smart about it.”
TIM RYDER
“I know how to get him to talk. Just make sure you got that
recording app switched on.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“If you want to get off the hook, you’d better hope he shows.”
TIM RYDER
“He’s got too much at stake not to come.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“Don’t we all.”
TIM RYDER
“Nice promotion for you, huh?”
Bronson shrugs.
TIM RYDER (CONT’D)
“Oh, yeah, sure. You’re just doing your job, right?
Please spare me.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“You’re sure he’s got it stashed in his fireplace?”
TIM RYDER
“I saw him do it once when he thought I was passed out drunk.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“No honor among thieves after all.”
TIM RYDER
“Sure there is. Between you and me. Fifty-fifty. You’re one of
us now.”
Bronson stares at him.
TIM RYDER (CONT’D)
“Don’t look at me like that. You’ve got it made. You bust Horton
for the heist and get a quarter of a million dollars to help ease
into retirement.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“You’d better get down to the waterfront.”
TIM RYDER
“Make sure you arrest me, too. I can’t afford to be known
as a fink.”
DETECTIVE BRONSON
“I’ll take care of everything.”
Tim walks away.
Detective checks his gun.
DETECTIVE BRONSON (CONT’D)
“Everything and every one. Half a mil is better than a
quarter.”
Tim stops at a bench. He raises his foot to tie his shoe. We see an ankle holster with a gun inside. He pulls his sock up and smooths his pant leg down.
TIM RYDER
“No, Detective Bronson, I’ll take care of everything.
Including you.”
-
Brian G. Walsh Reveals
What I learned doing this assignment was that reveals bring excitement and expectation to the script.
A. Reveals on a Plot Level:
Without being authorized, Marie is investigating the murder of her sister. The case is still open from over a year ago and remains unsolved.
Marie’s friend, Retired Police Detective Bill Ryan, is Marie’s (and her sister’s) biological father. Marie doesn’t know who her father is and he wants to keep it that way.
Ryan didn’t want to marry Marie’s mother, Michelle DuClaire. She was a prostitute and drug addict. He confided in Smithers, not knowing he is a sadist and murderer.
Dr. James Smithers is a police psychiatrist specializing in serial killer criminal psychology. He is actually a sociopathic murderer. He is very upset when he learns that Marie is investigating her sister’s death without authorization. He complains about this to Lt. Klein, who feigns ignorance and promises to look into it.
B. Reveals on a Character Level:
Marie is compassionate and loyal, but she is also ambitious and vengeful. She will run over anyone who gets in her way when she is on a mission.
Ryan acts the wise, old sage who knows what’s best but is really an inveterate womanizer who never takes responsibility for his sleeping around. He is concerned that Smithers’ file on Mariah DuClaire will reveal that he is her (and Marie’s) father.
Smithers acts the cool, aloof professional, but beneath the surface he is a raging menace who needs to experience the thrill of control over women. He also revels in murdering them. Killing in his preferred fashion is his “high” that he needs more and more often.
C. Reveals on a Situation Level:
Situation: When Smithers finds out that Ryan copied his files.
Marie asks Smithers for permission to see his files on her sister. He agrees but doesn’t tell her he has files on her mother which Marie never knew about. Ryan is not aware of that, either, but he must know what is in the file that Smithers gave Marie a copy of. Ryan breaks into the doctor’s office. He picks the lock of the top filing cabinet and removes it. He sees how the alphabet runs. He retrieves Mariah’s two file from the next cabinet without having to touch the cabinet lock. He notices that Smithers also has a file on Michelle DuClaire, their mother and his former girlfriend. Hands shaking, Ryan copies the files, then puts them back in the drawer and replaces the top drawer and locks it. He shoves the copies inside his shirt. Smithers arrives and catches him.
Smithers called the cops. Ryan tells him he will expose Smithers relationship with Marie’s mother if he has him arrested. Smithers checks to see that the filing cabinet draw is still locked, then agrees to forget about it. He toys with Ryan, intimates that Marie’s mother wouldn’t have killed herself if Ryan hadn’t abandoned her. He says that Mariah said so herself. She blamed her father. That led her down the same path as her mother, Bill.
Marie was tipped off about the call made by Smithers. She arrives just as the cops are leaving, having been told it was a false alarm by Smithers. She notices Bill Ryan’s vehicle parked across the street from Smithers’ office. She moves her vehicle down the street and keeps a watch.
Marie sees Ryan leave, talking with Smithers as he walks him out.
Marie follows Ryan to his house. She watches from the window and sees Ryan remove the documents from his shirt. She watches him read the documents. She remains in place until he quits and goes to bed, leaving the documents on his desk.
Marie breaks into Ryan’s house. She reads the documents.
Ryan catches her reading the documents and nearly shoots her. She confronts him about the documents. He tells her he didn’t know that Marie’s mother was in Smithers’ care. She tells him she knows he’s been keeping things from her. Ryan wonders if she finished reading the documents and found out that he is her father. He orders her to leave his house now. Marie tells him she’s not leaving until she finishes reading the files. Bill realizes his secret is about to be revealed.
In his office, Smithers notices that the copying machine is on. He tries to remember if he shut it off or not. He accesses the flash memory. He calls up the most recent documents copied and prints them. He takes the pages off the machine, one-by-one. He realizes that Ryan tricked him. He is worried about becoming a suspect in the murders of mother and daughter. He decides he’ll have to kill Ryan and make it look like a heart attack.
DESIGN THE STRUCTURE
Demand 1:
Marie asks Smithers for permission to see his files on her sister. He agrees but doesn’t tell her he has files on her mother which Marie never knew about. Ryan is aware that Marie doesn’t know her mother was receiving treatment from Smithers. He breaks into the doctor’s office. He picks the lock of the top filing cabinet and removes it. He sees how the alphabet runs. He retrieves the file from the next cabinet without having to touch the cabinet lock. He copies the files on Marie’s mother, then puts it back in the drawer and replaces the top drawer. He shoves the copies inside his shirt. Smithers arrives and catches him.
Cover up 1:
Ryan wants to see what’s in Michelle DuClaire’s file. He is afraid that his relationship with Marie’s mother and her father’s identity is in the file. He desperately wants to keep that from her because he feels guilty about what happened to her mother and that he was never a father to her or her sister.
Reveal 1:
Marie believes Ryan is concealing something from her. She obtains her sister’s sanitized file from Smithers but there is nothing in it about him. She shared it with Ryan. He now knows that Smithers removed information from the file, so he wants to see what’s in the real file on Mariah DuClaire.
Demand 2:
After breaking into Smithers’ office, Ryan finds not only Mariah’s original file, but a file on Michelle DuClaire. He didn’t know that their mother ever got treatment from Smithers. He knows there is such a thing as doctor-patient confidentiality, but he wonders why Smithers never told him she was his patient. Was Ryan responsible for her suicide? He must find out what is in her file. He copies both before being caught by Smithers. He is allowed to leave without Smithers knowing he has the copies.
Cover up 2:
Seeing Ryan leave Smithers’ office this late at night, a suspicious Marie follows him home. She stakes him out, watching with binoculars as he reads the files. She notices he is distraught. She waits until he shuts the light and goes to bed, then sets about breaking into his study.
Reveal 2:
Ryan catches her in his study. She insists she won’t leave until she finishes reading the files of her mother and sister. She is about to find out that Ryan is her father.
-
Lesson 20: Dramatic Character Relationships
Brian G. Walsh’s Character Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment was the character traits (and subtext) can provide exciting opportunities to enrich the story.
Police Detective Marie DuClaire
Traits: Intelligent, Ambitious, Courageous, Compassionate, Vengeful
SUBTEXT: Marie is a workaholic who is struggling to balance her career with her personal life. She is also dealing with the trauma of a previous case, which has left her feeling haunted and afraid. She is hell-bent on finding out who killed her twin and will break any law to accomplish that. She has no intention of arresting the killer. She intends to murder him.
Retired Police Detective Bill Ryan
Traits: Wise, Experienced, Trustworthy, Loyal, Secretive, a Loner
SUBTEXT: Mr. Ryan is a wise and experienced man who has seen it all. He is also a bit of a cynic, and he doesn’t believe in the goodness of people. He is self-deprecating despite his impressive record and won’t talk about his personal life. His big secret is that he is the biological father of Marie and her sister.
Dr. James Smithers
Traits: Brilliant, Manipulative, Cunning, Sociopathic, Thrill-seeker
SUBTEXT: Dr. Smithers is a master manipulator who is able to control and exploit others. He is also a sociopath who lacks empathy and remorse.
Police Lieutenant Oscar Klein
Traits: Impatient, Demanding, Dictatorial, Loyal, Nostalgiac
SUBTEXT: Klein wants respect and to be liked by his charges but doesn’t know how to get it. His job makes him behave in a way he doesn’t like. He wishes he could show more understanding because he cares about his people but believes it would make him feel weak. He wants everyone to think well of him but believes the only way he can do his job effectively is by being bossy and demanding. He believes people will take advantage of him if he shows emotion and will believe he is soft.
Police Detective Marie DuClare & Retired Police Detective Bill Ryan:
Rapport: Marie’s intelligence and ambition is aided by Ryan’s experience and wisdom.
Conflict: Marie’s vengeful nature will bring her into conflict with Bill’s secretiveness.
Contrast: Marie’s compassion is contrasted by Ryan’s loner trait. Marie is quick to show her feelings but Bill is uncomfortable with such displays.
Competition: Marie’s ambition, courage and vengeful nature is combated by Ryan’s experience, wisdom and secretiveness. She pushes him to take chances and break rules while he taps into his wisdom and experience to encourage her to do things by-the-book to protect her job.
Subtext: Marie’s workaholic nature and willingness to break laws in order to get the truth comes up against Ryan’s wisdom and experience. He doesn’t want her to destroy her career but Marie only cares about solving her sister’s murder.
Police Detective Marie DuClaire & Dr. James Smithers:
Rapport: Marie’s intelligence matches well with Smithers’ brilliance. They work well together and enjoy conversing.
Conflict: Smithers’ manipulations push Marie’s buttons, specifically her vengeful and courageous nature. He uses cunning to push her ambitious and vengeful nature into taking chances, which fees his own thrill-seeker trait.
Contrast: Marie’s compassion is diametrically opposed to Smithers’ sociopathic tendencies.
Competition: Marie’s ambition and vengeful nature pushes her to solve the crime. Smithers uses his cunning and manipulative talents to try to stymie her.
Subtext: Marie’s intelligence and desire for revenge challenges Smithers’ cunning in trying to keep secret that he murdered her sister and several other women. Smithers enjoys manipulating people but this is life or death for him.
Police Detective Marie DuClare & Police Lieutenant Oscar Klein
Rapport: Marie’s tendency to bend rules to get the truth dovetails nicely with Klein’s nostalgia for “the good old days” when cops had more leeway and could get away with a lot. Marie’s loyalty to her sister is something Klein appreciates, but he can’t openly acknowledge it because she shouldn’t be working on it. This prevents him from specifically ordering her not to work on it, which he rationalizes because she wasn’t assigned to the case. But he knows she is investigating it and will look the other way if she finds and kills the murderer. She doesn’t know it, but he will even help her do it.
Conflict: Klein is impatient. Marie’s obsession with a case that isn’t assigned to her is affecting her ability to close other cases.
Contrast: Klein’s dictatorial nature grates on Marie, who desperately needs to find her sister’s murderer.
Competition: Klein is impatient. The amount of cases solved reflects on his record. Marie’s ambition often causes her to set things aside while she pursues hunches, delaying resolution of her cases.
Subtext: Marie’s workaholic nature compliments Klein’s worries about the cases he oversees. He lets her get away with things because he knows she works harder than anyone else and is trying to solve her sister’s murder.
-
Brian G. Walsh’s Scary-As-Hell Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is creating an industry standard horror script requires many elements working in tandem.
SCENE:
INT. MINE TUNNEL – NIGHT
Raleigh and Christine search with their flashlights.
The ground shakes slightly. They exchange a glance.
RALEIGH
If there’s another quake while we’re down
here . . .
The tunnel narrows. Raleigh must stoop to avoid hitting his head. Christine chuckles.
CHRISTINE
Sometimes being a beanstalk ain’t
such a good thing.
RALEIGH
I know you hate short jokes, but . . .
CHRISTINE
But I am a short joke.
Christine laughs.
CHRISTINE
Good old high-school humor. I haven’t
heard that one in twenty years.
Raleigh stares at her, sad.
RALEIGH
I wish things had been different.
Soft whispering surrounds them. They both freeze.
CHRISTINE
What was that?
RALEIGH
I think we’re getting close.
THUD
They drop to a crouch and freeze.
A huge, rusted old chisel lies in the dirt.
Raleigh blows out his breath. Christine pats her heart.
Raleigh picks up the chisel and feels its heft. He walks to the ledge it fell from, examines it.
RALEIGH
I wonder what fool left this high up
where it could hurt someone.
Christine kneels at the spot the chisel fell, examining the imprint it left in the dirt. Something metallic shines under the dirt.
CHRISTINE
I think there’s something under here.
A shadow falls across her. Believing it’s Raleigh, she nods to the metal in the ground.
CHRISTINE
See what I –
She turns –
Bartholomew Keene lunges for her.
Christine jumps aside and rolls.
Keene lands on the spot, face-first.
Raleigh pulls Christine to her feet.
Raleight grips the chisel with both hands.
Keene bounces to his feet as if pulled by the strings of a puppet master.
Raleigh runs full speed at Keene.
Keene turns –
Raleigh THRUSTS the chisel into Keene’s mid-section.
Raleigh drives Keene straight against the wall –
Impaling Keene.
Keene drops face-first to the dirt. The chisel sticks out through his back.
Shaking badly, Raleigh staggers back against the wall. He sinks to his knees, weak from exertion.
Raleigh stares at Keene, expectant. Raleigh is short of breath, gulping air.
Christine circles Keene’s body. She grips the chisel protruding from his back. She tests it, but it is lodged tight in the corpse’s middle.
RALEIGH
Don’t get too close!
Christine KICKS Keene in the side. She KICKS him in the head.
Christine goes to Raleigh, slides down beside him.
CHRISTINE
You did it!
Raleigh sighs, his breath returning to normal.
CHRISTINE
There’s no light coming from inside him.
Christine hugs Raleigh. Their eyes meet.
Christine backs off, uncomfortable.
Raleigh nods, resigned to his status and fate.
RALEIGH
Yeah, I know. I’m still an escaped
prisoner.
CHRISTINE
Why did you have to kill Arnold Fanning?
If you could’ve just . . .
RALEIGH
What? If I could have just . . . what?
(beat)
When I tried to stop him from releasing
those demons he tried to kill me. It was
him or me.
(beat)
He made a deal to release those demons. Nothing
I or anybody else said or did would have stopped
him.
Christine stands. She holds out her hand to Raleigh.
CHRISTINE
So, what happens next?
RALEIGH
We have to find that cross and place it back
on the priest’s body to make sure those
demons stay locked inside him.
The chisel EXPLODES out from Keene’s body.
It is embedded in the ceiling.
Blinding light seeps from the gaping wound in Keene’s mid-section. Facing away from them, Keene is yanked to his feet by invisible strings.
The chisel drops from the ceiling –
Keene catches it.
Hugging the wall, Raleigh and Christine ease away from him.
Keene sniffs the air. He turns slowly to face them.
Raleigh pulls Christine.
Keene FIRES the chisel at them.
The chisel passes right through Christine’s collar, pinning her to the wall.
Keene LAUNCHES himself at her –
Raleigh steps in the way –
Keene bowls him over, then hits the ground.
Raleigh is slammed against the wall.
Christine struggles to break free.
Keene gets to his knees.
Christine kicks Keene in the face.
Keene grabs her leg, pulls himself up.
Keene gets in Christine’s face.
Christine grabs the crucifix around her neck and
SHOVES it in Keene’s face.
The Demon Voices SCREAM in agony.
Keene recoils in horror. His body flips end-over-end and hits the ground.
Christine TEARS free from her uniform shirt.
Raleigh grabs her arm. They both run for their lives.
-
Brian G. Walsh’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is that you must be flexible enough to change whatever needs to be changed in order to make the story work with the correct horror elements in place.
INT. MINE TUNNEL – NIGHT
Raleigh and Christine move cautiously. They use their flashlights judiciously and stay several feet apart for safety.
MOANING
They douse their flashlights and stand still. Waiting. Listening.
They move forward slowly, keeping their lights off.
Raleigh moves close to Christine.
RALEIGH
Keep your light off. I’m gonna use
mine. If he gets me, you take off.
CHRISTINE
If he gets you, I won’t know what
to do. How to stop him.
RALEIGH
Find that cross. It immobilizes him
somehow. And the coffin. It has a prayer or
something that keeps the priest’s body
incorruptible.
CHRISTINE
Like Christ after the crucifixion.
RALEIGH
That’s why we can’t shoot him. Every time
the priest’s body is damaged the body begins
to decay. You saw the energy coming from
those holes in the body.
Christine nods.
RALEIGH (CONT’D)
The energy of the demon spirits bleeding
out. If his body gets damaged enough,
they’re gonna break free.
CHRISTINE
And then?
RALEIGH
Hell on Earth.
Raleigh moves away from her. He turns on his flashlight.
Sheriff Knickerbocker staggers around the corner, sinks to his knees, drops face-first to the ground.
Raleigh runs to him, Christine close behind. They check him.
RALEIGH
I can’t find a pulse!
CHRISTINE
Oh my God!
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
Raleigh Douglass.
They both quickly get to their feet. Each uses their flashlight but nothing is there.
Keene waddles around the corner. He sways from side-to-side, turns his head both ways. He stands before them but apparently doesn’t see them.
Raleigh and Christine exchange a look.
They slowly back away.
Keene cocks his head to one side like a dog.
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
Who’s there?
Knickerbocker suddenly rolls over, pulls out his gun and SHOOTS the priest several times.
Keene bounces against the wall but doesn’t fall.
CHRISTINE
No!
Knickerbocker notices Christine and Raleigh. He waves them away.
KNICKERBOCKER
Get back!
Knickerbocker gets up, shaky, and unloads the rest of his bullets into the priest’s body.
Holes open up in Keene’s body. Light energy seethes from those holes. Bits of flesh and cloth fall from him. The demon voices sigh in satisfaction.
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
Do you feel guilty over the things you’ve
done, Sheriff Knickerbocker?
Raleigh and Christine rush to help Knickerbocker.
Keene LAUNCHES himself across from the wall and lands right on top of Knickerbocker. He strangles him.
Raleigh KICKS the priest in the head.
Keene grabs Raleigh’s foot. He drags Raleigh towards him.
Christine yanks the crucifix from her neck, dives at Keene and presses it into his face.
Keene releases Raleigh, rolls off Knickerbocker. The collective demon voices SHRIEK in agony.
Christine pursues him with the cross.
Keene whips his legs out –
Christine trips and loses the cross.
The cross lands beyond Keene’s body.
Keene LUNGES for her –
Raleigh pulls her away.
They run for their lives.
INT. PUMP ROOM – NIGHT
Raleigh and Christine enter and run to the back. There is no way out. They turn and run back the way they came.
CHRISTINE
Where is Sheriff Knickerbocker?
Raleigh pulls her along out of the room.
INT. MINE TUNNEL – NIGHT
Bartholomew Keene walks towards them, cutting off their avenue of escape.
Raleigh positions himself in front of Christine.
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
After we kill you, Raleigh Douglass, one of
us is going to invest you and make you
kill everyone you ever loved.
RALEIGH
(softly to Christine)
When he grabs me, run.
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
You are going to kill, kill, kill everyone
and everything who ever meant anything
to you.
CHRISTINE
He’ll kill you!
RALEIGH
(softly)
The next time you see me, don’t stop
to ask questions. Shoot me until I
stop moving.
Christine grabs onto him.
RALEIGH
It won’t be me, Chris!
(beat)
I won’t be me! I’ll be one of them!
-
Brian G. Walsh’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is building fear, suspense and dread creates an atmosphere of anticipation.
INT. MINE TUNNEL – NIGHT
Holding a gun in one hand and a flashlight in the other, Oak Harris pushes Lucas Cooper ahead of him. Lucas wipes blood from his forehead. He stops, turns to Oak.
LUCAS
Please, man. You’ve got to listen
to me!
OAK
Keep your nightmares to yourself.
The Mine Office is just ahead. Dark and dirty, the door is closed.
LUCAS
We’ve got to find the corpse. The
corpse is the only thing keeping
those demons from escaping.
Oak pushes Lucas. They start walking.
OAK
I don’t know what that even means.
(beat)
You and Raleigh and all that shit about
demons. You really think anyone believes
that bullshit?
Lucas shakes his head, shrugs his shoulders. Oak will never believe him.
OAK
When I find that sick murdering bastard
friend of yours I’m gonna put him out of
his misery.
(beat)
You make the mistake of trying to help
him now and they’ll be singing hymns
for both you crazy motherfuckers.
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
Come unto me and render aid and I shall
reward you with the riches of this greedy
material world.
Oak and Lucas stop. They look around.
No one is there.
LUCAS
He’s free! Bartholomew Keene is free.
The office door SWINGS open.
Oak and Lucas both flinch, go into a crouch.
Oak aims his gun at the office.
OAK
(softly)
Get out of the way!
Lucas moves to one side.
OAK
Come out of there! This is the
police.
A figure steps into the doorway and stops. It is shrouded in darkness but small points of light are visible on its head in the area of the eyes, nose, mouth and ears.
LUCAS
Oh my God. No!
OAK
I’m Deputy Oak Harris of the Mohawk
Sheriff’s Office. I order you to come out
of there right now!
The figure walks slowly out of the office, waddling from side-to-side like a penguin.
Oak turns his flashlight beam to high and focuses it on the figure to fully illuminate
EXORCIST-PRIEST BARTHOLOMEW KEENE. The corpse is well-preserved, but there is a soft glow emanating from the eyes, nose, mouth and ears. When this corpse speaks, a collection of demon voices speaks through it.
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
Come to me, Deputy Oak Harris.
Oak’s jaw drops. He stares at Keene, unable to comprehend how so many voices come out of him.
LUCAS
We’ve got to get out of here!
Keene cocks his head towards Lucas. He points at him.
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
We know your voice. The voice that
helped the one who prevented us from
being free.
OAK HARRIS
I don’t know who the hell you are or
what you’re doing down here, but I’m
looking for an escaped fugitive by the
name of Raleigh Douglass.
Keene rears back on his haunches and SCREAMS in a collection of more than a dozen voices.
Harris stumbles back, unsure of himself.
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
We want Raleigh Douglass!
Lucas runs away, in full retreat.
Keene slowly walks towards him, waddling back and forth, groaning from the internal fighting of the demons inside the corpse.
Oak raises the gun, aims it, his hand shaky.
OAK
Stop!
The Demon Voices laugh softly.
OAK
Last chance.
DEMON VOICES
(whispers)
Shoot! Shoot, Deputy Oak Harris.
Shoot now because we are going
to kill you.
Oak realizes Lucas is gone. He backpedals.
OAK
(shouts)
Lucas Cooper! Where are you?
Keene keeps coming. Oak keeps retreating.
Keene stops, rears back.
Oak turns to run.
Keene LAUNCHES himself forward, FLYING twenty feet in the air.
Oak jumps out of the way just in time –
Keene slams into the ground.
Oak runs for his life.
-
Brian G. Walsh’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is that putting the necessary elements in place immediately helps evoke the proper mood for horror.
EXT. CHIPPEWA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY, KINCHELOE, MI – DAY
A Sheriff’s Office van drives in past the sign on the grass.
INT. HOLDING AREA – DAY
RALEIGH DOUGLASS, 35, Black, sits handcuffed to a chair. He rests his head back against the wall.
He closes his eyes. The guard, MILO GOTT, 25, sits at his desk. A TV on the wall blares with local news. Gott glances back at Raleigh.
GOTT
I told you not to go telling all them crazy
ass stories, Raleigh.
Raleigh opens his eyes.
GOTT
Gonna lock your ass away in a nice
padded cell where you can’t hurt no
one and where the devil can’t get
his dirty hands on you.
RALEIGH
The devil can get you anywhere.
Gott frowns, turns away. He mutters profanity. He glances at the TV.
GOTT
Hey, Raleigh! Ain’t that you’re ‘ho
on the tube?
Gott turns up the sound.
INSET: TV NEWSCAST
DENISE WASHINGTON, 30, Black beautiful, is on location with the Mohawk Mine in the background.
Raleigh sits up straight.
DENISE
(on TV)
. . . a medium-size quake that did damage all
along the coast. The aftershocks rippled through
the small town of Mohawk, damaging both
commercial and residential property. The old
abandoned Mohawk Mine suffered a partial
cave-in. The mine has been closed for more than
a century, but children and teens still congregate
here for various forms of mischief.
INSET: TV PHOTO OF RALEIGH DOUGLASS
DENISE (CONT’D)
The mine was also the scene of the brutal murder
of local resident Arnold Fanning. Former Army
Sergeant Raleigh Douglass was convicted of that
murder over a year ago.
Behind Denise, deputies walk to the mine entrance. One of them, DEPUTY CHRISTINE DIAMOND, 35, briefly looks towards the camera.
Raleigh squints.
RALEIGH
(softly)
Chris.
Christine enters the cave.
Raleigh jumps to his feet. The cuffs keep him immobilized.
Gott looks at him. He laughs.
GOTT
Been a while since you got a piece of that.
(beat)
Sit down.
Raleigh sits. He leans forward, watches the newscast carefully.
EXT. MOHAWK CEMETERY – DAY
The place is not well-maintained. Grass grows high, obscuring the names on some of the headstones.
Shovel HITS dirt
Dirt THROWN onto ground
KENNY MARSHALL, 20, tall, lean, digs up a grave. He whistles as he works.
INSET: GRAVESTONE OF ARNOLD FANNING
A strong wind blows through the trees. Marshall stops, sets the shovel down. He looks around.
MARSHALL
Don’t be bossing me around. I’m going as fast
as I can.
The shovel rises into the air and SLAMS into the grave.
A dark silhouette appears before him, fluttering in the wind, unable to remain still. This is EPHIPPAS, the demon of the Wind.
MARSHALL
(softly)
The Demon of the Wind.
Marshall flinches, steps back.
MARSHALL (CONT’D)
Where the hell have you been? It’s been
over a year –
EPHIPPAS
Hell. I have been in Hell.
(beat)
I have a message for you.
-
Lesson 17: QE Cycle #4: Write this Scene
SCENE ARC: From: The promise confirmed
to: the other person discovering the secret is out.
LOGLINE: Renee forces Maxine to take a ride with her to learn if she has been betrayed.
ESSENCE: Renee manipulates Maxine from being regretful of helping her commit a crime to co-opting her for additional crimes, unaware that Maxine is not who she appears to be.
RENEE’S TRAITS: Prissy, devious, outgoing, conformist
MAXINE’S TRAITS: Tricky, snobbish, paranoid, emotionally wounded
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: RENEE – Changed “conformist” to rebellious
SCENE
EXT. PARKING GARAGE – DAY
Maxine exits her car and locks it. She walks briskly, repeatedly looking over her shoulder.
From behind a pillar, Renee steps out to block her path.
RENEE
Hey, Maxie! Surprised to see me?
MAXINE
What are you doing here? Isn’t this part of town is a
little upscale for what you’re accustomed to?
RENEE
What’s with the attitude? I thought we were
friends now.
MAXINE
(softly)
Partners-in-crime, you mean.
RENEE
I called you a hundred times yesterday. How come
you ghosted me?
Maxine looks around, nervous.
MAXINE
(hissing)
We can’t talk about this here!
RENEE
How uncouth of me to broach such a thing
in a parking garage.
(points)
My car is this way.
Maxine glances around the parking garage.
MAXINE
We can’t be seen together! All public places have
surveillance. What is the matter with you?
RENEE
The cameras on this level have been deactivated.
Maxine takes a step back.
MAXINE
I’m not going anywhere with you.
Renee pulls out a Beretta M9A4 with silencer attached.
Maxine squeals. She sinks to the ground, drops her purse, wraps her arms around her knees.
Renee puts away the gun, grabs Maxine’s purse, pulls her to her feet.
RENEE
Get a grip, will ya?
MAXINE
Donnie Watkins . . . when I was in high school, my
boyfriend – my Donnie. He was shot right before my eyes.
Renee ushers Maxine past a dozen cars. They stop at a Jeep Grand Cherokee SUV. Renee helps a shaking Maxine into the front passenger seat, then gets into the driver’s seat.
Maxine shakes, on the verge of tears. Renee strokes her forearm.
RENEE
I put away the gun, okay? It’s just that I don’t
have time to argue. We’ve got to conclude our
business.
MAXINE
(sniffles)
Haven’t I helped you enough?
RENEE
I’ve got your money. Unless you don’t need
twenty thousand dollars.
Maxine’s eyes light up.
MAXINE
I – I didn’t really think you’d pay me.
RENEE
Silly girl. This is just the start of a beautiful
and lucrative relationship for both of us.
MAXINE
But who are you selling the information to?
RENEE
What do you care?
MAXINE
I just like to know what I’m getting into.
RENEE
Just some people who want to develop
this thing and bring it to market.
MAXINE
But it’s classified!
RENEE
That’s what they pay me for. And I pay
you for.
MAXINE
It is kind of exciting. Maybe we could
become partners.
RENEE
In a way, we already are.
MAXINE
I mean for real. Let me in on how it
all works. You think what you got
is something? Well, there’s stuff in
development that looks like it came
straight out of Star Trek.
RENEE
I’m listening.
MAXINE
Pay first.
Renee nods, starts the car.
MAXINE (CONT’D)
(alarmed)
Where are we going?
RENEE
I don’t carry that kind of cash on me.
Renee backs her SUV up, drives down the ramp.
INT. JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE – DAY
The Jeep bounces over the speed bumps. Maxine falls against Renee, paws at her to stay seated.
Renee pushes her off.
RENEE
I don’t like anyone pawing me.
EXT. PARKING GARAGE – DAY
The Jeep SUV drives out slowly, enters traffic.
INT. JEEP GRANK CHEROKEE – DAY
Maxine adjusts her seat. She puts one hand behind her back, tries to get comfortable.
MAXINE
Why do you even have a gun?
RENEE
Where were you yesterday?
MAXINE
Out and about. Personal errands.
RENEE
Like?
MAXINE
You’re not my boss.
RENEE
We agreed to meet at Shaugnessy’s. You
didn’t show up. You didn’t call. You didn’t
answer your phone. You weren’t home, either.
MAXINE
You checked up on me?
RENEE
I don’t know what you think we’re playing at
here, but this is serious business, what I do.
MAXINE
If you’re paying me twenty large just for getting
you access for one project, I guess it’s serious.
RENEE
So, where were you?
MAXINE
(shrugs)
Lots of places. Shopping. Gas. Paying bills. I
don’t pay all my bills online.
RENEE
I need to know you didn’t rat me out. Didn’t
go to the cops or your boss or someone.
MAXINE
(averts her eyes)
I’d just be hanging myself.
Renee pulls a cellphone out of her pocket. She flips through previous calls.
MAXINE
Who you calling?
Renee glances at the list, then back at the road repeatedly as she checks phone numbers.
Maxine notices something about the phone. Her eyes go wide.
MAXINE
That’s my phone!
She reaches for it. Renee pushes her away.
MAXINE
You took it when I dropped my bag.
Renee turns right, pulls into the parking lot of
EXT. CLOSED SHOPPING CENTER – DAY
Renee drives around to the back, near the old, damaged dumpsters, overflowing with garbage.
Renee parks the Jeep.
INT. JEEP GRANK CHEROKEE – DAY
Renee shoves the phone in Maxines’ face.
RENEE
You called your boss. You called Frank Ryan
five times in a span of two hours!
Maxine stammers, shakes.
RENEE
You know what you’ve done?
MAXINE
Please, Renee. I didn’t know what to do.
What you stole? That’s a felony. I would
have been arrested right along with you.
Frank – Mr. Ryan, I had to tell him.
RENEE
I go down, I’ll see to it you go with me.
MAXINE
Frank told me you’d say that. He was going
to send someone to take care of you.
RENEE
Then he didn’t call the cops?
MAXINE
(shakes head)
We decided to go into business for ourselves.
(beat)
Industrial espionage business.
RENEE
You’re crazy. This isn’t some game just
anyone can play. Besides, I’ve got the
specs and all the notes.
MAXINE
When you were out looking for me, Frank
was looking for you. He found everything
you stole on your computer.
RENEE
You fucking little bitch!
Renee digs into her pocket –
The Beretta is pointed right at her face.
MAXINE
Donnie, my Donnie, he was just like you.
Always giving orders. Always had to be
in control.
(beat)
But I cured him of that.
BLACK
BOOM
-
Lesson 9: Make Your Outline Readable
Brian G. Walsh Horror Outline Version 1
What I learned is that putting the pieces together makes the story complete.
ACT 1
EXT. MAIN STREET – DAY
A small town in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. A minor earthquake rocks the area.
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
Kenny Marshall digs up a grave. The wind picks up and the disembodied voice of the spirit of a Fallen Angel (Lix Tetrax, the fallen angel of the wind) urges him to hurry, then tells him it must go to find a vessel of its own in order to operate in the physical world without restriction. The wind dies.
INT. ABANDONED COPPER MINE – DAY
Walls fall, dust fills the air. In a hidden dugout behind a wall, a large coffin shakes. A dozen soft voices, blended together, whisper from inside the coffin.
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
Deputy John Moss sees Marshall digging up the grave of Arnold Fanning and orders him to stop.
EXT. PRISON – DAY
INT. TRANSER HOLDING AREA – DAY
Raleigh Douglass is cuffed to a chair. Guard watches TV newscast about the earthquake showing Raleigh’s ex-wife, Denise Washington, standing before the abandoned copper mine with a Sheriff’s Deputy, Christine Diamond, behind her. The wind is fierce near the mine, blowing any loose object away behind the TV newscaster.
FLASHBACK: Raleigh fighting with Arnold Fanning and killing him.
Behind “talking head” Denise, Deputy Moss waves Christine away to talk, allowing Stephanie Cooper to enter the mine unobserved by them but in full view of the TV audience. Raleigh stands abruptly, upset. The guard turns, cautious, orders him to sit down, which he does. An orderly comes in. The guard cuffs Raleigh to the chair. The orderly gives Raleigh his pills, which he puts in his mouth. He sips the water and hands it back to the orderly, who leaves.
EXT. CEMETERY – DAY
The corpse in the grave is that of this man’s brother, who made a pact with the spirit of the Fallen Angel to release the horde of demons trapped inside the priest’s body. Deputy Moss tries to stop the grave robbery. Deputy Moss handcuffs Marshall, a quake sends them sprawling. Dirt shoots out from atop the coffin. The coffin is smashed open from inside. On his knees, the deputy crawls over and looks down into the grave. His eyes go wide. A hand seizes him by the throat and pulls him down into the grave. The corpse strangles him to death. The spirit of the dead Arnold Fanning invests the deputy, bringing the dead body back to life. The demon inside Moss directs Kenny Marshall to find the long-dead priest while he considers how he can make best use of Deputy Moss’ body. He tells Marshall that Raleigh Douglass hid the coffin somewhere in the mine.
EXT. MINE ENTRANCE – DAY
On TV, Denise warns viewers to stay away from the mine because it has collapsed. Authorities will be checking the damage. Raleigh sees Christine and Moss end their conversation. Christine then enters the mine in the background of the TV broadcast.
INT. TRANSER HOLDING AREA – DAY
Raleigh asks for a tissue to wipe his nose. The guard gives him one, uncuffs one of his hands, and returns to his seat. Raleigh spits his meds out into the tissue, which he tosses in the garbage. Guard tells Raleigh his escort has arrived to transport him for another psych evaluation. As he uncuffs Raleigh, he asks if he is still seeing demons, laughs.
FLASHBACK: Raleigh dragging the coffin into the mine, then running his finger across the Latin inscription.
INT. MINE ENTRANCE – DAY
Kenny Marshall searches for where Raleigh hid the coffin containing the Exorcist-Priest’s corpse. He calls out to them and tells them he was sent by Lix Tetrax, the fallen angel of the wind. He hears soft whispers beseeching him to release them. He follows the sound.
EXT. MINE ENTRANCE – DAY
Lucas Cooper, Raleigh’s best friend, goes to check on the mine. Denise talks to him, surreptitiously recording him and asking him about Raleigh and how he and Lucas used to hang out at the mine before Raleigh was sent to prison. She asks Cooper if he believes Raleigh’s crazy story about the demons.
EXT. MICHIGAN STATE HIGHWAY M-28 – DAY
A prison van drives at the speed limit.
INT. VAN – DAY
Raleigh feigns a heart attack, overpowers his guards and steals the vehicle.
INT. MINE WORKSHOP – DAY
Kenny Marshall, illegitimate brother of Arnold Fanning, finds the coffin, which has been partially-revealed by the earthquake. The Latin writing on the coffin is visible. Marshall runs his fingers over it, hears the Latin words spoken in the Exorcist-Priest’s voice from over three hundred years ago. He hears sighs and soft moaning from the demons imprisoned inside.
Marshall digs the coffin out completely to reveal the priest’s body with the large gold cross on his chest. Marshall demands the demons pledge themselves to him before agreeing to remove the cross from the body. The demons agree. After he removes the cross the priest grabs him by the throat, lifts him off the ground and strangles him. Marshall drops the cross. Fire and light energy blast out from Marshall’s eyes, nose, ears and mouth. The trapped demons were enraged by his attempt at extortion. Marshall’s body falls on top of the cross, concealing it.
EXT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – NIGHT
INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Retired Sheriff Knickerbocker is with current Sheriff Titus Reynolds and a group of volunteers helping those hurt by the earthquake. Volunteer Firemen Willie Klein and Paul Wayne rest near the water cooler just outside Reynolds’ office when report of Raleigh’s escape comes in. Told that highway video surveillance has tracked him headed to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, Reynolds tells his deputies to issue a BOLO and put up roadblocks. He tells Deputy Sheriff Oak Harris to go straight to the mine where Raleigh was arrested to hang out and watch. Don’t take any chances. Shoot to kill. Knickerbocker tells Harris not to shoot unless he has to, but Reynolds countermands that and reminds Knickerbocker that he is not sheriff anymore. Reynolds remembers that Knickerbocker told him when he arrested Raleigh that he mentioned a solid gold cross, behaved fanatically about it, said it was the most important thing in the world, and wonders if he’s coming back for it. Overhearing about the solid gold cross, Klein and Wayne make tracks. Outside, they jump in a pickup truck and race away from the Sheriff’s Office.
EXT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
All is quiet. The tire tracks are all that remains of the news crew van. The wind turns fierce again as Lucas sneaks inside the mine.
EXT. STAND OF TREES – NIGHT
He is spotted by Denise, who watches the mine from afar through binoculars. The wind becomes violent. She rushes to her car and gets inside. She makes a call to the police to report seeing Lucas go inside the mine. She notices the wind has stopped. She opens the car window. Everything is completely still and silent. The wind has stopped and no one is in sight. She sniffs the air, turns abruptly.
EXT. ROAD TO MINE – NIGHT
The pickup with the volunteer firemen arrives and pulls off into the shrubbery. Klein and Wayne get out and look around. Klein finds Denise unconscious inside her car. He checks her pulse, frowns. Wayne rushes over to him, asks if she’s okay. Just asleep, Klein tells him. Let’s go before she wakes up and spoils this for us. They run to the mine. Inside, they agree to split up to cover more ground in the hope they’ll find the gold cross before. Klein follows footsteps in the wet ground into a small room used for cleaning tools. Old tools lay around, covered in dirt and dust. The imprint of a large hammer that is now gone stands out. Klein turns – the old hammer smashes into his eye repeatedly. He drops. Soft voices complain, “No, no, no, no” because one of the demon’s reacted instinctively and Klein didn’t get a chance to damage the priest’s body. The Exorcist-Priest’s body twists and turns as the demons inside argue and fight one another.
INT. MINE WORKSHOP – NIGHT
Lucas goes to check on the coffin because he knows where Raleigh hid it. He finds it open and the body gone. He climbs over the coffin and finds the dead body of Kenny Marshall, on his back with his orifices burned out. Lucas recoils from the body. In panic he runs.
INT. MINE HAULAGE WAY – NIGHT
Lucas runs. He hears whispers. Stops. He looks all around. A collection of voices argues. The voices are jumbled together, making them unintelligible. Lucas runs.
EXT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Lucas exits the mine and is grabbed and pulled off his feet by huge Deputy Sheriff Oak Harris, who tells him Sheriff Reynolds got the word that Raleigh had escaped and might be coming back here where he made all those crazy claims about demons and a huge gold cross. Oak believes Raleigh and Lucas had a plan to help him escape but he’s not going to get away with it. He tells Lucas he’s going to go to prison right along with Raleigh for being a part of this. Oak drags Lucas back inside because he believes Raleigh plans to rendezvous with him at the mine to plan his escape. Since the bulletin said Raleigh was armed, Oak intends to use Lucas as a human shield while he hunts down Raleigh.
INT. MINE PUMP ROOM – NIGHT
Paul Wayne calls out to Willie. He’s nervous because he’s hearing voices whispering. They get louder and he realizes there are several voices and they are saying horrible things in English and Latin. He runs out in search of Willie Klein.
INT. MINE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Wayne falls through a hole in the ground. Grateful that he hasn’t fallen far, he calls out for Willie. He hears someone walking slowly above him. The footsteps stop just beyond his line of sight. A hand extends to him. He grabs it eagerly.
Wayne is pulled up by priest, who burns his soul out, further weakening the human prison that holds the demons trapped inside. The priest drops the body back through the hole. Again the demon voices argue, forcing the Exorcist-Priest’s corpse to bounce off the walls. They shriek in anger.
INT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Lucas pleads with Oak, then tries to fight him, but the huge cop punches him in the stomach and drags him along.
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
Raleigh arrives, parks the vehicle out of sight of the road, then he searches for vehicle or foot tracks, but the area is a mess from TV and police visits. Hearing sirens, he goes inside the mine.
INT. PUMP ROOM – NIGHT
The trapped fallen angel spirits inside the Exorcist-Priest’s body sniff for human vulnerability. They sense Lucas and Oak, call out to them by name.
INT. MINE OFFICE – NIGHT
Oak follows the sound of the voices. He demands to know who is talking. Is that Raleigh playing a trick? When he finds him, he’s going to put him down like the rabid animal he is. The demons inside the priest know who Raleigh is: he’s the one who killed Arnold Fanning, preventing him from freeing them from their corpse-prison. They ask if Raleigh is there and say they have been waiting for him. That’s enough for Harris, who concludes that several people are involved with helping Raleigh escape. He pistol-whips Lucas and leaves him as he goes off to follow the voices.
INT. MINE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
The Exorcist-Priest attacks but stops and stands still while Oak shoots him repeatedly, the bullets piercing his body, which leaks flame and light energy. Lucas staggers over to him and begs Oak not to shoot the Priest because he knows what will happen. Oak retreats towards him but the Exorcist-Priest launches himself at Oak, tackling him. He burns Oak’s soul out, further weakening the human prison that holds the demons trapped inside. Lucas sees it and remembers what Raleigh told him through a FLASHBACK: Lucas visiting Raleigh in prison.
ACT 2
EXT. MINE – NIGHT
More cops and search volunteers arrive at mine, find Deputy Harris’ vehicle, but he doesn’t answer their calls. They find the vehicle Raleigh stole, then the pickup truck driven by Willie Klein. Denise joins them and tells them that Oak and Lucas are inside the mine and don’t know that Raleigh entered behind them. Raleigh is dangerous. Deputy Hugh Taylor recognizes Denise as Raleigh’s ex-wife and remembers that she divorced Raleigh after his arrest and disowned him. Two deputies remain outside, one to guard the mine entrance and the other to watch the road. The rest of the deputies split up, most search outside while a couple of others go inside the mine.
EXT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
We see the face of the deputy guarding the mine entrance: He is John Moss, the one who was killed at the grave. His body is now possessed by the demon who had previously possessed Arnold Fanning. He checks his gun.
INT. MINE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
The deputies spread out to look for Raleigh and Oak. Each isolated deputy hears gunshots and a scream that is abruptly cut off. Deputies approach from different directions. Deputy Hugh Taylor shouts Oak Harris’ name.
INT. MINE LOADING ROOM – NIGHT
Taylor confronts the priest, who has blood on his clothes. The collection of voices inside the Exorcist-Priest tell Taylor they just killed Deputy Harris and are know going to kill him. Taylor fires once. The collection of demon voices laughs and it reverberates throughout the mine. The bullet wound glows, then emits light energy. Taylor runs for his life.
INT. DRILLING ROOM – NIGHT
Christine gets the drop on Raleigh. She tells him weird things are happening. He tells her that the only chance they have is to prevent the demons inside the corpse from escaping. There was a Latin prayer inscribed on the coffin that made the body of the Exorcist-Priest incorruptible. It won’t decompose like a normal body would and has to remain preserved. The demons will do whatever they must to destroy the body so they can escape their prison. Christine agrees to help Raleigh find the corpse. Raleigh isn’t sure she isn’t just humoring him to get him to go with her so she can arrest him, but he accepts.
ACT 3
INT. MINE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Knickerbocker finds Raleigh and Christine. Raleigh tells Knickerbocker what’s going on. The old sheriff doesn’t fully believe Raleigh, but he’s seen some dead bodies and doesn’t believe Raleigh could have killed them the way he’s seen it done.
Raleigh tells Knickerbocker that the Priest was a very important, imperious Exorcist who traveled the new land disposing of evil spirits who possessed people and places. He ventured from England to the New World to help rid the colonials of demons. He traveled throughout New England casting out demons. When he came to the small town of Lynn, Massachusetts, he found it suffering from a plague of demons but instead of exorcising them individually, he decided to follow the example of Jesus Christ, who exorcised a legion of demons from a man and sent them into a herd of swine. The Exorcist-Priest, however, was filled with pride and believed that only he could tame and suffocate those Fallen Angel spirits because he was the most devout and powerful servant of God in all the land. He believed he could imprison the demons inside himself and put them to sleep. He knew secrets, such as a prayer-spell to make his own body incorruptible, just as Jesus Christ’s body was made incorruptible when He died. Knickerbocker doesn’t believe this, but Christine tells him she’s beginning to believe it.
INT. MINE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Knickerbocker leads Raleigh out, but on the way they find the priest standing over one of the dead deputies. Knickerbocker is shocked. The priest walks slowly towards them. Knickerbocker orders him to stop. Christine moves to flank him. The priest lunges at Knickerbocker but Raleigh pushes the old sheriff aside and trips the Exorcist-Priest, impaling him on a large, old chisel used by the miners over a hundred hears ago. The Exorcist-Priest removes the chisel from his body, looks down at the open wound and shouts in joy in the collective voice of all the demons inside him. The energy inside him pulses, some spilling from the wound, resulting in small surges of light energy. Knickerbocker and Raleigh run for their lives and become separated. Raleigh is caught by Christine, her gun aimed at him. They lock eyes. She lowers the gun. He tells her that the demons are certain to escape if they don’t entomb the corpse soon. She wants to find Sheriff Knickerbocker but he says they don’t have time. They must find the cross that had neutralized the corpse. Their search leads them to a small railway.
INT. HAULAGE WAY – NIGHT
Raleigh tells Christine he believes that the demons imprisoned inside the priest’s body are some of the most powerful and important fallen angels cast out of Heaven. Without them, Satan is incapable of fulfilling his plans. He believes the earthquake somehow dislodged the coffin. Christine asks if the quake caused the cross to come off the body. Raleigh says he was told that was impossible, that only a human being could remove it, but now he doesn’t know.
Raleigh and Christine find a minecart. Christine steps inside. Raleigh pushes and the cart increases speed. When it gets going fast he climbs inside. The Exorcist-Priest pops up from inside it where he was hiding.
Battling the priest inside an accelerating minecart, Raleigh & Christine push the corpse out into an open mine shaft. The priest’s body disappears. Christine and Raleigh jump out just before the minecart crashes into a wall. Lucas catches up to them with dynamite. Despite the danger of a cave-in, he looks down upon the priest’s still body at the bottom of the shaft, lights a stick and drops it. The mine rains down rocks and debris. They look back down the shaft to see the area covered in rocks and dirt.
Deputy Taylor finds them. Against Christine’s objections, he arrests Raleigh and Lucas. He cuffs Raleigh and asks Christine to cuff Lucas. She tells Taylor that what Raleigh said is true. There is a corpse with a horde of demons inside. Taylor wonders if she’s on drugs or just delusional from the cave-in. Taylor tells her to cuff Lucas or he’ll take her handcuffs and do it himself. She does but shares a knowing look with Lucas. She doesn’t secure the cuffs.
INT. MINE WORKSHOP – NIGHT
Deputy Knickerbocker finds Marshall’s dead body. He rolls him over. The cross is under his body. Knickerbocker picks it up, his jaw drops. FLASHBACK: Raleigh being handcuffed by Knickerbocker. Raleigh tells him the only thing keeping those demons imprisoned is the cross that was blessed with a prayer to keep the demons inside and to keep the priest’s body incorruptible. Return to present: Knickerbocker has the cross but doesn’t know what the prayer is.
Knickerbocker tucks the cross inside his shirt and goes in pursuit. He hears the sound of digging. He goes over to a hole in the ground. He sees hands reaching out from under a pile of rock and debris. A soft voice cries for help. Knickerbocker asks who it is. The hands dig faster. Knickerbocker helps dig. His hand is seized. The priest’s head pops out from under the dirt. It talks about a tragedy from the old sheriff’s past. Knickerbocker stares, wide-eyed, as the priest rises from the debris. When it lets go of him to stand, he jumps back and rolls away from the hole. Knickerbocker pulls his gun and aims . . .
FLASHBACK . . . A handcuffed Raleigh telling him that the demons want the priest’s body destroyed so they will be free.
Knickerbocker leans over for a closer look. The cross falls out from under his jacket and hits the priest. Multiple voices shriek in agony. The cross bounces off him and hits the dirt. The imprint of the cross has been burned into the Exorcist-Priest’s outer cassock. The demons howl. Knickerbocker gets to his feet. The demon leaps up and grabs onto the edge of the hole.
Knickerbocker stumbles away in full retreat. The Exorcist-Priest hauls himself up, a dozen blended voices cursing softly, and gets to his feet. It pursues Knickerbocker, calling his name and preying on his guilt from past mistakes.
INT. MINE CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Knickerbocker runs into Taylor, Raleigh, Christine and Lucas. He tells them what happened. Taylor shakes his head, thinks Knickerbocker is an old fool and has probably gone senile. Raleigh tells him they must retrieve the cross but Taylor is dismissive. Knickerbocker agrees and tells them how the priest reacted when the cross hit him. The priest reaches them, calls out in its collective voice. Taylor is momentarily paralyzed. Knickerbocker tells him that the priest is going to kill them all Taylor orders the priest to stop, but he continues walking towards him. The priest sniffs Taylor, mentions Taylor’s personal guilt and tells Taylor he is going to kill him. Taylor strikes the priest with his nightstick. The priest seizes his wrist and makes him drop it, then grabs him by the neck and tears his head off.
INT. 2ND LEVEL TUNNEL – NIGHT
Knickerbocker, Christine, Raleigh and Lucas run to retrieve the cross. Knickerbocker stumbles into the priest and screams for help, but falls through the same hole that Paul Wayne fell through. Raleigh, Christine and Lucas hear Knickerbocker’s scream cut short. The priest looks down but Knickerbocker isn’t moving, having landed on Wayne’s body. The priest hears Raleigh calling for Knickerbocker and hides. When Raleigh, Lucas and Christine arrive, the Exorcist-Priest lunges at them, knocking them down like bowling pins.
Raleigh jumps to his feet while Lucas and Christine rush to recover the cross. The Exorcist-Priest grabs Lucas by the ankle and reels him in. Raleigh charges. The Exorcist-Priest releases Lucas and backs Raleigh into a corner. The Exorcist-Priest tells Raleigh he knows who he is and lunges for him. Raleigh ducks under him. The priest turns to find –
The cross right in his face, held by Christine, her hands shaking. The Exorcist-Priest is frozen still. Christine holds it while Raleigh and Lucas try to drag the priest’s body away but it is incredibly heavy. They find an old wheel barrel, push him into it and drag it away. A minor quake knocks them down and Christine loses the cross. The priest crawls lightning-fast after Raleigh and grabs his ankle. Lucas jumps on the priest’s back but it rolls over and kicks him in the face. Raleigh punches the priest to no effect. The priest grabs Raleigh, lifts him into the air with one hand and chokes him. Christine recovers the cross and shoves it right into the priest’s face. The collection of voices screams. The image of the cross is burned into his face. The priest slowly drops to his knees. Christine shouts for him to help. Raleigh drags the priest the rest of the way and hurls him into his old coffin. The voices plead for release, alternately threaten and entice with rewards. Christine lays the cross on his chest with a sizzling sound. The priest’s eyes close.
They push the wheel barrel along a rail, up an incline that returns them to the first level of the mine.
EXT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Raleigh, Lucas and Christine exit the mine. They are stopped by the possessed deputy. He cuffs Raleigh even though Christine tells him it’s not necessary. The deputy shoots Christine and Lucas, then drags Raleigh back inside so he can find the priest and release the demons.
INT. MINE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Raleigh tries to lead him astray, but the deputy sniffs the air and follows the scent. Raleigh asks why he hasn’t killed him if he can track the priest without him. The deputy says he needs Raleigh to do a job for him, then he will set him free. Raleigh knows what the job is and he refuses to lead Moss to the Exorcist-Priest. Moss is furious, the disembodied voice of Arnold Fanning emerges, swearing vengeance for Raleigh having killed him, but he tells Raleigh that he’s going to allow the horde of demons to torture Raleigh with him.
Retired Sheriff Knickerbocker blasts the deputy with a shotgun. He helps Raleigh out of the mine. Outside, Christine is being tended to by paramedics. She will live but Lucas is dead. Knickerbocker asks why the demon inside the deputy didn’t kill Raleigh. Raleigh tells him that he needed him alive because only a living human being can remove the cross. A corpse animated by a demon can’t do it.
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Lesson 13: Scares, Releases, and Creepy
MomentsBrian G. Walsh’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy moments!
What I learned doing this assignment is that building the kind of horror script that the industry requires and expects is a step-by-step process that can be repeated. It is a process that can be used to improve every draft of the script until it is ready for submission.
OUTLINE:
STRANGE NOISES: Searching for the missing corpse, Raleigh and Christine hear whispering coming from somewhere down the haulage tunnel of the mine.
RELEASE: Coming upon structural damage to a wall in the stope dugout, Christine deduces that the sounds they heard were settling from the earthquake damage.
CREEPY MOMENT: About to leave the stope, Raleigh tosses a rock against the wall in frustration. It causes more rocks to fall, revealing the corpse of the Exorcist-Priest in the far corner, concealed by shadow against the wall.
SCENE
INT. HAULAGE WAY – NIGHT
Each holding a flashlight, Raleigh and Christine make their way slowly down the tracks. The tracks lead off in two directions, into two separate tunnels. Christine keeps a close watch on Raleigh, still wary of him.
CHRISTINE
What are you looking for?
RALEIGH
I’ll know it when I see it.
The very faint sound of WHISPERING VOICES stops them dead in their tracks.
Raleigh waves Christine to crouch down low. They play their flashlight beams down the tunnel, but find nothing.
The whispers stop.
CHRISTINE
Just settling from the earthquake.
Raleigh shakes his head.
CHRISTINE
(sarcastic)
What then? You’re army of demon spirits?
RALEIGH
If they’re whispering collectively, that’s a good
sign.
CHRISTINE
How do you figure?
RALEIGH
It means they’re still trapped inside the priest’s
body. They’re individuals, just like people. They
have been stuck together for over three hundred
years.
The whispering voices return. They rise to their feet.
RALEIGH
(points)
It’s coming from that tunnel.
Christine follows close behind Raleigh. She glances over her shoulder occasionally.
They enter the tunnel the sound came from.
A soft WHISTLING sound emanates from an area of the wall where stones have fallen from. Christine nudges RALEIGH.
Christine sighs. Raleigh slumps, wipes his forehead with his sleeve.
CHRISTINE
So much for your demons. It was the earthquake.
RALEIGH
This leads right to the stope.
CHRISTINE
The what?
RALEIGH
It’s a dugout where the ore’s being mined.
Christine squints towards the stope.
CHRISTINE
I though I saw something move.
RALEIGH
That might be whoever it was that stole
the corpse.
CHRISTINE
And he might have it with him.
RALEIGH
We’ve got to stop him before he releases
all those demons!
Raleigh rushes down the tunnel.
CHRISTINE
STOP!
Christine hurries after him, watching her feet as she goes.
INT. STOPE
The room is shrouded in darkness, especially the corners, which are masked in shadows.
Raleigh shines his light around the room. He picks up a chunk of rock, examines it.
Christine enters, gun drawn.
CHRISTINE
I’ve had enough of this, Raleigh.
(beat)
Put that down.
RALEIGH
You don’t believe me.
CHRISTINE
I never believed you about demons.
Angry, Raleigh fires the rock into the corner of the room.
The whispering returns.
CHRISTINE
Let’s go.
RALEIGH
Shhh!
A chunk of rock falls from the wall in the corner. Raleigh points to it.
CHRISTINE
Quit stalling. It’s just earthquake damage.
One after another, more rocks falls from the wall.
Exorcist-Priest Bartholomew Keene emerges from the shadows in the corner.
Keene looks from Raleigh to Christine, then around the room.
CHRISTINE
What the hell?
Raleigh takes a step back.
RALEIGH
(softly)
Let’s get out of here.
CHRISTINE
Who is he, Raleigh?
Keene turns abruptly. He stares at Raleigh, takes on step towards him.
BARTHOLOMEW KEENE
(soft collection of voices)
Raleigh? Raleigh Douglass!
A light glows from Keene’s eyes, nose and ears. It sizzles with life.
Christine takes a step back. She is clearly unnerved by this display and the collection of voices. She points her weapon at Keene.
CHRISTINE
You! Priest! Identify yourself.
Keene turns to face Christine.
BARTHOLOMEW KEENE
(soft collection of voices)
I am legion. For we are many.
Keene LEAPS at Raleigh. He ducks under the priest. The priest slams into the wall behind Raleigh.
Christine trains her gun on Keene.
RALEIGH
No! That’s what he wants!
Raleigh grabs Christine’s forearm. She shoves him off.
The Priest bounces to his feet. He runs at Christine.
Christine shoots him in the chest.
Keene absorbs the hit and is knocked back a step. The bullet wound glows. He keeps coming.
Christine shoots him in the chest again.
Again, Keene absorbs the hit and is knocked back a step. The second wound also glows.
The energy trapped inside slowly bleeds out of him. Keene LEAPS on her.
Christine steps back, uses Keene’s momentum to propel him into the wall.
The collection of voices SHRIEKS in anger.
Christine shoots Keene once – twice – three times.
Keene is pushed back – back – back –
but he doesn’t fall.
The collection of voices moans softly, oozing satisfaction.
Raleigh grabs Christine, pulls her back.
BARTHOLOMEW KEENE
(soft collection of voices)
Raleigh! Raleigh Douglass!
Keene LAUNCHES himself at them.
Raleigh and Christine hit the ground hard.
Keene SAILS over their heads and CRASHES into the wall.
Raleigh pulls Christine out of the stope and into the tunnel.
-
Brian G. Walsh – Lesson 15: QE Cycle #3: Rewrite this Scene
Nancy and Squire
LOGLINE: Two underground agents flee German-occupied France must elude German patrols to reach the Allies in time to inform them of a coming attack.
ESSENCE: Two people who don’t trust each other must find common ground in order to achieve their goal.
SCENE:
EXT. OCCUPIED FRANCE – WOODS – NIGHT
NANCY, 18, and SQUIRE, 35, move swiftly through the woods. They dart from tree-to-tree, stopping to take cover only for a moment.
Squire stops under an apple tree. An apple hangs right in his face. He plucks it.
Nancy stumbles over a tree root and falls. She rubs her knee, moans.
Squire turns and looks at her. He tosses the apple to her underhanded.
Nancy catches the apple and tosses it over her shoulder.
NANCY
Help me up, you fool!
Squire sighs theatrically. He walks towards her.
The SQUAWK of a radio.
Nancy crawls into some bushes. Squire runs right past her,
makes it there ahead of her.
Nancy DIVES into the bushes.
Two WAFFEN SS-SOLDIERS walk quietly into view.
Behind the bushes, Nancy and Squire watch closely.
SS-Oberschütze HELMUT VON NEUBERG, 22, picks up the apple. He looks around.
He looks directly where the two are hiding.
Von Neuberg flinches. He drops the apple, then turns away.
SS-Schütze OSKAR STRAUSS, 20, kneels, inspects the disturbed dirt where
Nancy fell. He turns to Von Neuberg.
They exchange a look.
VON NEUBERG
Lass uns gehen.
They vanish into the woods ahead.
Behind the bushes, Squire smiles. Nancy eyes him suspiciously.
NANCY
What did he say?
On her knees, Nancy holds her hand out to him.
Squire walks past her, picks up the apple, rubs it against his shirt.
SQUIRE
He said: Let’s go.
(beat)
We were lucky they didn’t see us.
Nancy gets up, brushes herself off. She shivers, then hugs herself.
NANCY
Perhaps you made your own luck.
SQUIRE
I do feel I have been touched by fate for
much greater things than this nasty little
business.
NANCY
There is nothing greater than this war. A
lot of good people died back there today.
I won’t let them die for nothing.
Squire shushes her, then sidles up to her, puts his arms around her, rubs her arms.
NANCY
You take liberties you are not entitled to.
SQUIRE
We are alive, mon cherie. We should celebrate
our good fortune.
Squire fondles her, kisses her neck.
Nancy pushes him off.
NANCY
You’re too comfortable for my liking. Maybe
you’ve got reason not to fear the boche.
SQUIRE
We should make love and forget about war.
NANCY
That soldier seemed to be staring right at you.
SQUIRE
I was born under a lucky star. You would do
well to be nice to me.
NANCY
I never saw dead bodies before. Our comrades.
Nancy scans the woods, shakes in fear.
Squire puts a hand on her forearm.
SQUIRE
Shh. Things are not so bad. We can hold up
at the Chennault Horse Ranch. There is fruit
around there. A freshwater stream. We can
perhaps snare small game.
Nancy wipes her eyes. Squire kisses her cheek. He turns her
face to his, gently kisses her. He pockets the apple. The kiss
becomes more passionate.
SQUIRE
It could be a good life for a little while. Just
you and I. At least until this nightmare is over.
NANCY
We can be together after we get to the Allies.
But not now, no.
Squire’s hands are all over her now. She runs her fingers through
his hair.
SQUIRE
Your mouth says no but your heart screams yes.
He kisses her roughly, hands working expertly.
NANCY
We make love later, when we are safe. We go the
Americans now.
SQUIRE
(Sighs)
We let the Americans come to us. They know our
unit had the information. Let us be smart and safe.
Nancy pulls his hair hard, slaps his face, pushes off him.
NANCY
Pig! We must go right now!
Squire rubs his head, winces.
SQUIRE
The only way we survive is by doing
what the boche do not expect.
NANCY
We’ve got to tell the Americans about the
planned offensive!
SQUIRE
And we shall. When we are safe.
(beat)
We go to the horse farm.
NANCY
They burned it down after they stole all
the stock. We go to the Americans.
SQUIRE
Then you go alone.
(beat)
You want the apple or not?
Nancy considers the apple. She nods.
Squire polishes it against his shirt some more.
NANCY
You’re going to run and hide like a scared
rabbit. To let the Germans kill the Americans.
SQUIRE
Eat, drink and be merry, my dear.
Nancy scans the woods.
NANCY
You’re coming with me. Or I’ll tell the
Americans you are a collaborator.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Collaborator, eh? You were the one who
was supposedly monitoring the boche
radio. Why did you not tumble to their
raid on our meeting place?
Squire bites the apple, chews.
NANCY
And you were the one supposedly watching
Gestapo headquarters. You must have seen
their squad leaving the building. Yet you did
not warn alert anyone about the raid.
SQUIRE
Go to your precious Americans. Tell them
whatever you want.
Nancy stares at him.
NANCY
We have to stick together.
SQUIRE
I don’t intend to do for their cause.
(beat)
For any cause!
The SNAP of a branch freezes them.
Squire drops to all fours, crawls behind a large tree.
Nancy runs over to him, tries to hide behind him. Squire
pushes her away.
SQUIRE
Find your own!
Nancy kicks him, crawls behind him.
Squire moans, covers his mouth, rubs his leg.
The SOUND OF MARCHING FEET approaches.
They wait, petrified.
The sound of marching feet lessens, moves off past them.
Nancy kicks Squire again.
NANCY
You could have got us both killed!
Nancy studies him. She narrows her eyes.
NANCY
Perhaps you wanted them to catch us.
Squire turns to her. He frowns.
SQUIRE
We all have to die some day.
NANCY
I’ve been wondering how the boche found
out about the meeting.
SQUIRE
Life is full of wondering.
NANCY
When I saw you near the entrance to the woods,
it looked like you were waiting for someone.
Someone like those soldiers who somehow failed
to see you when they looked right at you?
SQUIRE
Perhaps I willed myself invisible so they could
not see me.
NANCY
Perhaps they did not wish to see you.
SQUIRE
I am too important to risk. You go to the
Americans. I will remain here.
NANCY
You and I were the only one’s lucky enough not
to be at that meeting. You sold out to save
yourself.
SQUIRE
Perhaps it is you that have a friend in the Gestapo.
Considering your undeniable charms, perhaps this
someone is more than just a friend, eh?
NANCY
You really are a pig, but you can’t change the
subject. I will tell the Americans about you.
SQUIRE
You are not quite the Snow White you
make yourself out to be.
Nancy tenses. She takes a step towards him. She
studies him carefully. She looks around, nervous.
Squire stares at her, expectant.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Have you nothing to say?
NANCY
There will be a full moon tonight.
SQUIRE
One cannot prosper by rowing against
the tide.
NANCY
As sure as Somerset Maugham wrote
“The Moon and Sixpence.”
SQUIRE
As American as apple pie and doughboys.
They rush to each other. Nancy holds up two fingers on
her right hand. Squire holds up all ten fingers.
NANCY
They didn’t tell me you were a spy, too.
SQUIRE
I should have that soldier shot for staring at
me the way he did. If you had really been
part of the Resistance, you surely would
have reported me to the Americans.
(beat)
That fool was part of the first detail that
escorted me to see the Sturmbannfuhrer.
NANCY
The game-playing is over. We have to get
to the Americans. Sturmbannfuhrer Kohler
wants to make sure they walk into his trap.
SQUIRE
It is too dangerous right now.
NANCY
Herr Kohler will not be pleased to learn
you were trying to run away.
SQUIRE
Nonsense. I was testing you. Now let us
have no more of this foolishness. We go
to the Allies.
A SQUAD of American Army soldiers led by a CORPORAL, bleeds out from the woods to surround them.
CORPORAL
Don’t bother, Fritz. The Allies have come
to you. We heard every word you said.
-
Brian G. Walsh – Lesson 14: QE Cycle #3: Write this Scene
Nancy and Squire
LOGLINE: Two underground agents flee German-occupied France to inform the Allies of a coming attack before it’s too late.
ESSENCE: The last surviving members of their underground unit, Nancy and Squire don’t know each other and don’t trust each other. Nancy wants to get to the American lines while Squire just wants to escape the danger. They don’t trust each other, but each wants something from the other.
SCENE:
EXT. WOODS
NANCY, 18, and SQUIRE, 35, move swiftly through the woods. They dart from tree-to-tree, stopping to take cover only for a moment.
Squire stops under an apple tree. An apple hangs right in his face.
Nancy stumbles over a tree root and falls.
Squire turns and looks at her. He tosses the apple to her underhanded.
Nancy catches the apple and tosses it over her shoulder.
NANCY
Help me up, you fool!
Squire sighs theatrically. He walks towards her.
Nancy holds her hand out to him.
Squire walks past her, picks up the apple, rubs it against his shirt.
SQUIRE
Food is not so easy to come by when you
are being hunted.
Nancy gets up, brushes herself off. She shivers, then hugs herself.
NANCY
You’re a little too calm for my liking.
SQUIRE
What good would it do to be hysterical?
NANCY
A lot of good people died back there. I’m
going to make sure they didn’t die for
nothing.
Squire sidles up to her, puts his arms around her, rubs her arms.
SQUIRE
We are alive, mon cherie. I want it to
remain that way.
NANCY
They’re all gone.
SQUIRE
Yes, all gone. And for what? A lost cause. But
I don’t intend to throw my life away.
Nancy’s eyes fill with tears.
SQUIRE
Shh. Things are not so bad. We can hold up
at the Chennault Horse Ranch. There is fruit
around there. A freshwater stream. We can
perhaps snare small game.
Nancy wipes her eyes. Squire kisses her cheek. He turns her
face to his, gently kisses her. He pockets the apple. The kiss
becomes more passionate.
SQUIRE
It could be a good life for a little while. Just
you and I. At least until it’s all over.
NANCY
You and I, yes. But not now, no.
Squire’s hands are all over her now. She runs her fingers through
his hair.
SQUIRE
Your mouth says no but your heart screams yes.
NANCY
We make love later, when we are safe. We go the
Americans now, yes?
SQUIRE
(Sighs)
No.
Nancy pulls his hair hard, slaps his face, pushes off him.
NANCY
Pig! They’re looking for us right now!
Squire rubs his head, winces.
SQUIRE
Yes! And the only way we will survive
is by doing what the boche do not expect.
NANCY
We’ve got to tell the Americans about the
offensive that is coming!
SQUIRE
And we shall. When we are safe.
(beat)
We go to the horse farm.
NANCY
They burned it down after they stole all
the stock. You should know that.
SQUIRE
Exactly.
(beat)
You want the apple or not?
Nancy considers the apple. She nods.
Squire polishes it against his shirt some more.
NANCY
You’re going to run away. To hide like a scared
rabbit. To let the Germans kill the Americans.
SQUIRE
You were hopping away pretty good yourself,
little bunny, after you saw what the Huns did
to our former friends.
Squire scans the woods, sighs.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
I want the Germans to not kill us!
NANCY
I know you are afraid. I am, too, but we must
not derelict our duty. Are you man or mouse?
Squire bites the apple, chews.
SQUIRE
Go to your precious Americans.
Nancy stares at him.
NANCY
We’ll only be safe if we reach the Americans!
The SNAP of a branch freezes them.
Squire drops to all fours, crawls behind a large tree.
Nancy runs over to him, tries to hide behind him. Squire
pushes her away.
SQUIRE
Find your own tree!
Nancy scrambles behind another tree.
The SOUND OF MARCHING FEET approaches.
They wait, petrified.
The marching feet softens, moves off past them.
Nancy comes out from behind her tree.
SQUIRE
(eager)
Did you see them? Were they Germans?
Nancy studies him. She narrows her eyes.
NANCY
If they were, would you have called out to
them?
Squire turns to her. He frowns.
SQUIRE
Are you insane?
NANCY
I’ve been wondering how the boche found
out about the meeting.
SQUIRE
They have spies everywhere.
NANCY
When I saw you near the entrance to the woods,
it seemed like you were heading away from the
village square. Where the Gestapo outpost is.
SQUIRE
Ridiculous.
NANCY
You and I were the only one’s lucky enough not
to be at that meeting.
SQUIRE
Perhaps you have a friend in the Gestapo. Perhaps
someone more than a friend, eh?
NANCY
You really are a pig.
SQUIRE
You are not quite the Snow White you
make yourself out to be.
Nancy tenses. She takes a step towards him.
Squire stares at her, expectant.
NANCY
We could wait until night. There will be
a full moon tonight.
SQUIRE
There will not.
NANCY
As sure as Somerset Maugham wrote
“The Moon and Sixpence.”
SQUIRE
As American as apple pie and doughboys.
They rush to each other. Nancy holds up two fingers on
her right hand. Squire holds up all ten fingers.
SQUIRE (CONT’D)
Incredible.
NANCY
The game-playing is over. We have to get
to the Americans. Sturmbannfuhrer Kohler
wants to make sure they walk into the trap.
SQUIRE
Of course, of course.
NANCY
Herr Kohler will not be pleased to learn
you were trying to run away.
SQUIRE
Nonsense. I was testing you. Now let us
have no more of this foolishness. We go
to the Allies.
A SQUAD of American Army soldiers led by a CORPORAL, bleeds out from the woods to surround them.
CORPORAL
Don’t bother, Fritz. The Allies have come
to you. We heard every word you said.
-
Brian G. Walsh’s Max Interest — Interest Techniques Part Two
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that including the
interest techniques adds intrigue and makes for compelling reading.
EXT. BEACH – NIGHT
A bright moon is shining above. AL WALKER, 65, walks
hand-in-hand with his grandson, JERRY, 6. They stop before
an overturned canoe. Jerry points to footprints leading to the
water.
JERRY
Did you hear it, grandpa?
Walker squints, looks to where Jerry points. His eyes open
wide. His jaw drops. He collects himself, swallows hard, then
looks away.
WALKER
I don’t hear anything.
Walker leads his grandson over to the canoe. He sits on it. He stares
out to the water, hands shaking. Jerry drops to his knees and runs his
hand over the footprints.
JERRY
He needs our help.
Walker shakes his head vehemently. His eyes fill with tears.
Jerry yanks his hand back from the sand. He holds it up to
examine it.
Walker gets up, shuffles over to the boy, takes his hand and
holds it up to the moonlight.
WALKER
What’s that you got there?
JERRY
Blood. He’s hurt.
WALKER
It’s not him. He’s gone, Jerry. Gone.
Jerry looks up at his grandfather, tears in his eyes.
WALKER (CONT’D)
It’s just you and me now. We’ve got to stick
together.
Behind them, the overturned canoe rises silently. A man crawls
out from under it. He is beaten and bloody. He holds a 9mm
Glock 19 pistol.
MAN
(softly)
You know why he came.
Walker and Jerry turn sharply. Jerry gets behind Walker. He is
scared, shaking.
WALKER
You bastard!
Walker moves towards him. The man points the Glock defensively.
Walker stops, takes a step back.
WALKER
How dare you come back here!
The man is FOULKE, mid-thirties. He drops to one knee, exhausted,
but still holds the pistol.
FOULKE
You really wanna have this conversation in front of the boy?
Jerry tugs on Walker’s pants leg. Walker reaches behind and rubs
the boy’s hair.
JERRY
Send him away, grandpa.
Foulke chuckles. He sits on the canoe, takes a deep breath.
FOULKE
You gonna send me away, grandpa?
WALKER
Shut up, Foulke.
Jerry points at Foulke, his hand shaking.
JERRY
He is the one!
Walker turns to the boy to calm him.
WALKER
Take it easy, boy. It wasn’t him.
(rubs his shoulder)
Foulke and I are gonna take a little walk.
JERRY
(whispers)
He killed papa!
Walker puts his hands on the boy’s shoulders.
WALKER
Stay right here. This won’t take long.
Walker stands up straight. He glares at Foulke.
FOULKE
Let’s take a walk, old man.
The two men hobble off, Foulke limping from his wounds,
Walker shuffling due to old age.
The wind picks up. Walker shivers. Foulke looks off
towards the water.
FOULKE
Why do you fight me on this, Al? I did you a favor but
you never thanked me.
Walker stares off into the water, looking for something.
WALKER
You didn’t finish the job.
FOULKE
What kind of man do you think I am?
Walker refuses to look at him.
FOULKE (CONT’D)
(softly)
You fucking coward.
Walker turns on him, fists balled.
WALKER
You can’t expect me to . . .
FOULKE
He wouldn’t have come back if there
wasn’t something to come back for. You
were supposed to take care of that.
(beat)
You really got old, Al.
Walker lowers his hands. Tears stream down his
cheeks.
FOULKE
So I’ve got to do your dirty work for you . . .
again.
WALKER
You didn’t do it right the first time.
FOULKE
We can use that to our advantage.
WALKER
Just leave me out of it.
FOULKE
Oh, no. No way. You’re gonna supply the
bait. When he goes for it –
WALKER
What if he doesn’t?
FOULKE
He will. Even if he suspects a trap.
WALKER
You miss this time and it’s the end of both
of us.
FOULKE
I won’t miss, but will you do your part?
Walker looks down, shakes his head.
FOULKE
You must!
WALKER
We’ve got to be wrong! There’s no way to be
sure Jerry will turn out like my . . . like his dad.
Foulke puts away the pistol. He looks off into the ocean.
FOULKE
(sighs)
I’m gonna do it my way then.
(beat)
They say drowning is one of the worst ways
to die.
(beat)
I’ve never killed a child before.
Walker closes his eyes, clenches his fist.
WALKER
I’ll take care of . . .
(beat)
I’ll take care of my grandson.
FOULKE
For what it’s worth, I am sorry.
WALKER
Go to hell.
-
Lesson Eight Assignment
Brian G. Walsh’s Character Journey Track
What I learned doing this assignment is that deciding each character’s journey helps to improve the outline.
Character: Raleigh Douglass
Role (from Lesson 3): Survivor
Traits (main characteristics): Self-sacrificing, arrogant, angry
Fears (Primal fears):
Wants/Needs (main motivations): To be redeemed and pardoned from prison.
Likability / Rooting factors: Risking it all again to stop the demons.
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): Charges into action.
Relationship with other characters: Some want to arrest or kill him, some want to help and save him.
1. Character Intro: In prison and in handcuffs.
2. Denial: Can’t believe earthquake struck near mine he buried corpse in.
3. First Reaction to Horror: Plans to escape to make sure demons don’t get released.
Response after First Horror: Goes into action.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: Person of knowledge about the demons and how to stop them.
Reaction as Horror Increases: More determined to fight them.
5. How They Fight Back: Search for cross.
6. End Point: Bury demons again.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: Eternal vigilance necessary.
Character: Deputy Christine Diamond
Role (from Lesson 3): Survivor/Helper
Traits (main characteristics): Loyal, dedicated, compassionate
Fears (Primal fears): Darkness
Wants/Needs (main motivations): To understand what made Raleigh murder someone and make peace with her feelings about him
Likability / Rooting factors: She is loyal, fair and compassionate but does her duty
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): Denial, anger, eventual acceptance
Relationship with other characters: Leader of search party
1. Character Intro: At the police station she tells the other deputies and volunteers how the search is going to work and gives them rules of engagement.
2. Denial: Doesn’t believe Raleigh’s story about demons but knows he does believe it.
3. First Reaction to Horror: Use her gun.
Response after First Horror: Listens to Raleigh. She knows if the gun didn’t work then he must be telling the truth.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: Tells them to listen to Raleigh.
Reaction as Horror Increases: When other deputies turn on her, she becomes more forceful.
5. How They Fight Back: Helps Raleigh find and use the cross to neutralize the corpse and bury it.
6. End Point: Helps Raleigh ignite explosives to seal the coffin deep underground.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: Mine has to be completely sealed forever.
Character: Deputy Michael Johnson
Role (from Lesson 3): Survivor
Traits (main characteristics): Honest, naive, capable, unsure of himself, anxious to prove his worth
Fears (Primal fears): Failing a fellow officer during a crisis
Wants/Needs (main motivations): To be respected and admired
Likability / Rooting factors: He’s young and idealistic and wants to do the right thing
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): He freezes the first time but redeems himself by remaining calm the next time
Relationship with other characters: With Christine an exception, the other deputies look at him like a kid brother they don’t want tagging around after them
1. Character Intro: Tagging along behind Christine, the eager beaver you hope won’t get himself killed
2. Denial: He can’t accept that the corpse is animated by demons
3. First Reaction to Horror: He freezes. He can’t raise his hands. He keeps the pistol pointed at the ground. Christine has to pull him from harm’s way.
Response after First Horror: Goes into action. He is eager to redeem himself and takes risks.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: Group thinks he’s a coward and can’t be relied upon.
Reaction as Horror Increases: Wants to learn more so he can deal with this and anything like it in the future.
5. How They Fight Back: By learning.
6. End Point: Stands watch while Raleigh and Christine set explosives.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: There are some things in this world that don’t belong. Things that have to be dealt with, not run from. Knowledge is the best weapon against them.
Character: Stephanie Cooper
Role (from Lesson 3): Survivor
Traits (main characteristics): Optimistic, curious, shy, emotionally immature
Fears (Primal fears): Evil will triumph unless good people stop it
Wants/Needs (main motivations): Love, career, children
Likability / Rooting factors: Eager to help and eager to support others and build them up
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): Flight until backed into a corner
Relationship with other characters: She is a weakness, someone they worry about because they feel she can’t defend herself
1. Character Intro: With her father, Lucas Cooper, she laments Raleigh being in prison and wants reassurance from Lucas that Raleigh had to kill that man.
2. Denial: The horror can’t be real because God wouldn’t allow something like that to exist
3. First Reaction to Horror: Disbelief. She walks towards the corpse, fascinated and transfixed, unwilling to believe it is real.
Response after First Horror: Runs away in terror.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: Albatross. They want to get her away to safety so thy don’t have to worry about her.
Reaction as Horror Increases: Loses faith in God but gains faith in Raleigh through his actions.
5. How They Fight Back: She agrees to get help from the local priest
6. End Point: She is outside the mine, approaching it with a priest when it is all over.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: When the Devil operates on Earth it is up to good men and women to stop him.
Character: Retired Sheriff Franklin “St. Knick” Knickerbocker
Role (from Lesson 3): Survivor
Traits (main characteristics): Cantankerous, cynical, caring, honest
Fears (Primal fears): Being unable to stop evil from overpowering good
Wants/Needs (main motivations): Quiet walks, reading, fishing, drinking beer, watching sports on TV
Likability / Rooting factors: He believes the law is a guide, not a book of Commandments and that its application should depend on the people, circumstances and situation. He volunteered to help find Raleigh because he likes him and doesn’t want him killed.
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): He’s numb and can’t believe it, even though Raleigh told him about it over a year ago.
Relationship with other characters: Respected and liked
1. Character Intro: At the Sheriff’s Office, he mocks Deputy Harrris’ exaggerated machismo and aggressive, bullying behavior. He warns Harris not to kill Raleigh unless he has no choice but is overruled by Sheriff Reynolds.
2. Denial: How can a corpse walk and how can it not be stopped by bullets?
3. First Reaction to Horror: He retreats, believing that evil has come to kill them all and they are powerless to stop it.
Response after First Horror: He remembers that Raleigh stopped it once before and with his help he believes they can stop it again.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: Dismissive. The old man will just get in the way.
Reaction as Horror Increases: Determined to stop the demons and to prove that Raleigh acted in self-defense in killing Arnold Fanning.
5. How They Fight Back: Search for the things that can neutralize the demons and use it against them.
6. End Point: Saves Raleigh after Deputy Moss shoots Lucas and Christine.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: Eternal vigilance against evil is necessary.
Character: Sheriff Titus Reynolds
Role (from Lesson 3): Victim
Traits (main characteristics): Committed to protecting his community. He knows his duty, cynical, believes people are guilty until proven innocent,
Fears (Primal fears): The law is being castrated by liberals.
Wants/Needs (main motivations): To make an example of how this town treats murderers who kill their own.
Likability / Rooting factors: He wants to do the right thing and wants to protect his community.
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): By-the-book. He is unable to believe that the Exorcist-Priest is a corpse invested by demons. He is hesitant to shoot a priest, so he tries to arrest him and it leads to his death.
Relationship with other characters:
1. Character Intro: At police station with Knickerbocker. He is “Lay-Down-the-Law” Reynolds, brash, arrogant and angry about Raleigh Douglass returning here after he committed murder during Reynolds’ first week as the new sheriff.
2. Denial: Doesn’t believe in demons.
3. First Reaction to Horror: Handle it the way he would handle any other situation.
Response after First Horror: Denial.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: Bullying dictator who denies the facts.
Reaction as Horror Increases: Still doesn’t believe.
5. How They Fight Back: He tries to arrest the Exorcist-Priest.
6. End Point: He is dead.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: Having a closed mind can kill you.
Character: Deputy Hugh Taylor
Role (from Lesson 3): Victim
Traits (main characteristics): Bully with a badge, he is judgmental, arrogant, but he truly believes he is doing good.
Fears (Primal fears): That he will be found out that he is afraid without his gun.
Wants/Needs (main motivations): He wants to feel admired, respected and feared.
Likability / Rooting factors: None
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): He acts like a bully because he doesn’t believe in demons.
Relationship with other characters: They don’t like him or trust him
1. Character Intro: At the mine, he gets information from Denise Washington and swaggers into the mine, gun drawn.
2. Denial: The Exorcist-Priest is just a man. It is some kind of trick.
3. First Reaction to Horror: He tries to arrest the Exorcist-Priest/
Response after First Horror: Tries to kill the Exorcist-Priest.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: He got what he deserved.
Reaction as Horror Increases: None.
5. How They Fight Back: He is too dead to do anything.
6. End Point: He is dead and gone.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: He was just another victim of his own inability to keep an open mind.
Character: Deputy Oak Harris
Role (from Lesson 3): Victim
Traits (main characteristics): Mean, angry, violent, likes to make animals suffer before he kills them, loves his mother and worships his KKK father.
Fears (Primal fears): Nothing.
Wants/Needs (main motivations): To return to the “good old days” when minorities had no rights and the police could harass and abuse without fear of punishment.
Likability / Rooting factors: None.
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): Angry, violent.
Relationship with other characters: Others fear him.
1. Character Intro: Bullying one of the volunteer firemen who is much smaller than him.
2. Denial: Monsters aren’t real.
3. First Reaction to Horror: Tries to beat up the Exorcist-Priest.
Response after First Horror: Shoots the Exorcist-Priest.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: A prime example of an arrogant fool who thinks he’s tougher than anyone, even demons.
Reaction as Horror Increases: Denial.
5. How They Fight Back: Tries to use Lucas as a human shield.
6. End Point: He is dead.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: Don’t overestimate yourself.
Character: Kenny Marshall
Role (from Lesson 3): Victim.
Traits (main characteristics): Greedy, low self-esteem.
Fears (Primal fears): He will die a nobody.
Wants/Needs (main motivations): Power over others. He wants people to fear him.
Likability / Rooting factors: Sympathetic to his lousy life but that sympathy is lost when we realize what kind of person he is.
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): He isn’t afraid. He actively welcomes the demons and tries to extort them.
Relationship with other characters: He is the one who removes the cross from the Exorcist-Priest’s body to allow the demons to rise.
1. Character Intro: Digging up a grave.
2. Denial: Doesn’t care what others think or say. His authority comes from Hell and is greater than any authority on Earth.
3. First Reaction to Horror: Embraces it.
Response after First Horror: Obediently searches for the Exorcist-Priest’s body.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: He brought the terror back.
Reaction as Horror Increases: He’s dead.
5. How They Fight Back: He doesn’t.
6. End Point: He’s dead.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: Making a pact with demons doesn’t end well.
Character: Denise Washington
Role (from Lesson 3): Survivor
Traits (main characteristics): Ambitious, vengeful, determined to seek truth and uncover lies
Fears (Primal fears):
Wants/Needs (main motivations): Wants to be a famous TV newscaster in a big market
Likability / Rooting factors: Strives for truth and to expose lies
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): Investigates it, seeks it out to expose it
Relationship with other characters: Aloof, distant
1. Character Intro: On TV reporting about earthquake
2. Denial: Thinks Raleigh’s story is a hoax, a big lie
3. First Reaction to Horror: She doesn’t believe what she sees
Response after First Horror: She is invested by the spirit of the Fallen Angel (Lix Tetrax)
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: Schemes to help the demons escape from the Exorcist-Priest’s body and to escape the mine.
Reaction as Horror Increases: Tries to push others to enter the mine.
5. How They Fight Back: She has been invested and suppressed.
6. End Point: Her wait to welcome the horde of demons is for naught
7. Insight from Death / Survival: A new plan will be required to free the demons.
Character: Demons inside Priest-Exorcist Bartholomew Keene
Role (from Lesson 3): The Monster
Traits (main characteristics): Vengeful, hateful, lust for power
Fears (Primal fears): Being trapped inside the Exorcist-Priest’s body until Judgment Day
Wants/Needs (main motivations): To escape from the prison of the corpse
Likability / Rooting factors: N/A
How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): Rage.
Relationship with other characters: Terrorizes them.
1. Character Intro: Paralyzed in coffin. Released by Kenny Marshall, who he kills.
2. Denial: N/A
3. First Reaction to Horror: N/A
Response after First Horror: Seeks out ways to make others destroy his corpse so the demon spirits will be released.
4. Relation to Group after First Horror: Greedy for more kills.
Reaction as Horror Increases: Angry that they haven’t been able to escape yet.
5. How They Fight Back: More killing.
6. End Point: Neutralized and buried deep underground.
7. Insight from Death / Survival: N/A
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Brian G. Walsh’s Challenging Situations
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that challenging the characters raises the interest significantly.
List the character’s answer to their goal, needs, values, wound, and the physical situation.
Scene 1:
Goal: Bill wants to get Marie to drop the case and let him handle the investigation.
Needs: Bill needs to keep his secret that he is her father.
Values: Protective of Marie and of his own secret.
Wound: Bill is haunted by walking away from Marie’s mother when she got too deep in drugs and prostitution. Bill is ashamed of not having been a father to Marie and Mariah, and now Mariah is dead.
Physical Situation: Argument at restaurant
A. Current Scene Logline: At an evening dinner at a nice, quiet restaurant, Bill Ryan tries to talk Marie off the case, promising that he will remain on it until it’s solved but she refuses to stop, even if it costs her job. Marie tells him she appreciates his help but she won’t give up the case until her sister’s murder is solved. They eat in relative silence, the tension building but relations still calm.
B. Essence: Bill is afraid that Marie will find out he is her father and that she will blame him for her sister’s death somehow.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges: Bill will tell her that her sister, Mariah, wouldn’t want her to destroy her career. Marie gets angry and asks how Bill would know what her sister would want. She is grateful for his help but wants him to stay out of her personal life. Bill is angry because he never got to know Mariah because her and Marie’s mother wouldn’t let him. They never married and she didn’t want them to have a cop for a father. Bill was in love with their mother but didn’t want to get married. She broke up with him and became a junkie and a prostitute.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. – At a restaurant after work, Bill tells Marie to drop the case and let him handle it. She refuses to give up until her sister’s murderer is discovered. Bill chastises her for not giving her best to her other cases, for cheating the victims of her other cases because she’s distracted. He doesn’t want her to learn that he is her father. He is too old to start being a father now and feels guilty about not caring enough to track her down years ago. He says her sister wouldn’t want her to lose her job over this. Marie is angry now. “Who the fuck are you to tell me what my sister would want?” The room goes quiet. Other people turn to look. Bill tells her to calm down, but she’s just getting started. She tells him she understands why he had so many partners. He wants to control everything, wants to tell everyone how to do their job. She doesn’t need his help. She doesn’t need anyone’s help. Bill tells her he believes her sister was murdered because of someone from her mother’s past. Marie doesn’t believe him. Bill tells her he knows what her mother was and how she destroyed her life. Marie has totally lost it now. She tells him to get the hell out and stay away from the case. Bill tells her he’s worried that Marie might be targeted for the same reason her sister was. She asks how he knows so much about her mother. He tells her it’s because he was in love with her and tried to stop her from destroying herself with her obsessive compulsive behavior, which is Marie’s problem, too. Only her mother’s obsession was drugs, which led her into prostitution and her eventual death.
Scene 2:
Goal: Find out what is in Michelle DuClaire’s confidential psychiatric file
Needs: Solve this case before it consumes Marie or gets her killed
Values: Keeping his daughter safe from harm and from learning he is her father because he doesn’t feel worthy
Wound: The end of his relationship with Michelle, who was the only woman he ever loved
Physical Situation: Caught breaking and entering doctor’s office
A. Current Scene Logline: Bill Ryan breaks into Dr. Smithers’ office and grabs his files of Michelle DuClaire, mother of Marie and Mariah. He barely escapes before Smithers enters the office.
B. Essence: Bill knows Michelle was a patient of this psychiatrist. He is looking for confidential information she may have told him that could help him discover clues to Mariah’s murder.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. – Bill breaks into Smithers’ office because the psychiatrist refused to let him see Michelle DuClaire’s file, citing patient confidentiality rules. Bill breaks into a locked filing cabinet and removes her file. He reads through some of it, notices something significant and runs it through the office copying machine, folds the copies and stuffs them into his coat pocket. He goes back to the filing cabinet. The office door opens. Dr. Smithers stands there. Smithers tells him he was recorded on video breaking into the office. He recognized Bill immediately. He wants to know what Bill’s looking for. Bill tells him he needs this file to solve the murder of Mariah DuClaire and that he believes it holds a clue to Michelle DuClaire’s death, too. Smithers tells him Michelle died of a drug overdose. Bill tells him he believes Michelle was murdered. Smithers has to help him. Flashing blue lights outside. “Too late, Mr. Ryan,” Smithers said.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Title: Brian G. Walsh’s Full-out Characters
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that fleshing-out the characters before beginning to write will make them more appropriate for the story.
CURRENT PROFILE: Marie DuClaire
DESCRIPTION: Marie is a strong, independent woman who is passionate about her work. She is determined to succeed, and she is not afraid to stand up for what she believes in.
TRAITS: Intelligent, Ambitious, Courageous, Compassionate
SUBTEXT: Marie is a workaholic who is struggling to balance her career with her personal life. She is also dealing with the trauma of a previous case, which has left her feeling haunted and afraid.
CURRENT PROFILE: Dr. James Smithers
DESCRIPTION: Dr. Smithers is a brilliant psychiatrist who is also a sociopath. He is manipulative and cunning, and he uses his skills to get what he wants. He is also a serial killer, and he gets a thrill from killing his victims.
TRAITS: Brilliant, Manipulative, Cunning, Sociopathic, Thrill-seeker
SUBTEXT: Dr. Smithers is a master manipulator who is able to control and exploit others. He is also a sociopath who lacks empathy and remorse.
CURRENT PROFILE: Retired Homicide Detective Bill Ryan
DESCRIPTION:
Mr. Ryan is a retired police detective who is now a private investigator. He is a wise and experienced investigator, and he is willing to help Maria with her case.
TRAITS: Wise, Experienced, Willing to help, Trustworthy, Loyal
SUBTEXT: Mr. Ryan is a wise and experienced man who has seen it all. He is also a bit of a cynic, and he doesn’t believe in the goodness of people.
REVISED PROFILE: Marie DuClaire
DESCRIPTION: A young homicide detective, Marie is a strong, independent woman who is passionate about her work. She is determined to succeed, and she is not afraid to stand up for what she believes in. She is haunted by the murder of her twin sister, who tried to tell her something but died before she could finish. Not allowed to work on her sister’s murder officially due to the conflict of interest, Marie works on that case whenever she has free time.
TRAITS: Intelligent, Ambitious, Courageous, Compassionate, Vengeful
SUBTEXT: Marie is a workaholic who is struggling to balance her career with her personal life. She is also dealing with the trauma of a previous case, which has left her feeling haunted and afraid. She is hell-bent on finding out who killed her twin and will break any law to accomplish that. She has no intention of arresting the killer. She intends to murder him.
REVISED PROFILE: Dr. James Smithers
DESCRIPTION: Dr. Smithers is a brilliant psychiatrist who is also a sociopath. He is manipulative and cunning, and he uses his skills to get what he wants. He is also a serial killer, and he gets a thrill from killing his victims.
TRAITS: Brilliant, Manipulative, Cunning, Sociopathic, Thrill-seeker
SUBTEXT: Dr. Smithers is a master manipulator who is able to control and exploit others. He is also a sociopath who lacks empathy and remorse.
REVISED PROFILE: Retired Homicide Detective Bill Ryan
DESCRIPTION:
Mr. Ryan is a retired police detective who is now a private investigator. He is a wise and experienced investigator, and he is willing to help Maria with her case. He vowed never to get involved with police matters after he retired, but he goes out of his way to offer help to Marie because the murder victim was her sister.
TRAITS: Wise, Experienced, Trustworthy, Loyal, Secretive, a Loner
SUBTEXT: Mr. Ryan is a wise and experienced man who has seen it all. He is also a bit of a cynic, and he doesn’t believe in the goodness of people. He is self-deprecating despite his impressive record and won’t talk about his personal life. His big secret is that he is the biological father of Marie and her sister.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is the outline becomes more detailed, making the script easier to write when the time comes.
Create each part of this model:
A. Who is your monster and what is their terror? – A horde of demons trapped inside the body of a long-dead Exorcist-Priest.
Powers? – They supercharge the priest with enormous strength and emit energy through him. They leave the dead bodies “marked” for future possession.
Limitations? – They cannot kill without using the priest’s body to do it because they are trapped inside his body until it deteriorates.
Weaknesses? – He is easy to escape from because he moves slowly due to the weight of demon spirits inside the centuries-old body. He can’t kill
Plan/Purpose/Appetite? – To trick someone into releasing them by destroying the priest’s body. Once free they plan to possess people to engage in a killing spree to satiate their lust for intense physical experience on their way to fulfilling their plan to release Satan from his eternal prison to help him destroy the human creations God chose over his Angels.
ACT 1 – SETUP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established:Minor earthquake rocks Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Kenny Marshall digs up a grave. The wind picks up and the disembodied voice of the spirit of a Fallen Angel (Lix Tetrax, the fallen angel of the wind) urges him to hurry, then tells him it must go to find a vessel of its own in order to operate in the physical world without restriction. The wind dies.
Horror Situation: Inside abandoned copper mine, walls fall, dust fills the air. In a hidden dugout behind a wall, a large coffin shakes. A dozen soft voices, blended together, whisper from inside the coffin.
Reaction – Fight: Deputy John Moss sees Marshall digging up the grave of Arnold Fanning and orders him to stop.
DEMAND: Why is this man digging up a grave?
REVEAL: The corpse in the grave is that of this man’s brother, who made a pact with the spirit of the Fallen Angel to release the horde of demons trapped inside the priest’s body. Deputy Moss tries to stop the grave robbery and is killed by the corpse in the grave. The spirit of the dead Arnold Fanning invests the deputy.
Horror Situation: Deputy Moss cuffs Marshall, a quake sends them sprawling. Dirt shoots out from atop the coffin. The coffin is smashed open from inside. On his knees, the deputy crawls over and looks down into the grave. His eyes go wide. A hand seizes him by the throat and pulls him down into the grave.
Reaction: Fight: to no avail.
Character Death 1: Deputy John Moss
Why: Starts the horror – He catches Ken Marshall illegally digging up the grave of Arnold Fanning
How: Surprised/Blindsided – Seized by corpse in grave and strangled to death by the corpse of Arnold Fanning, who made a deal with a Fallen Angel to release the horde trapped inside the Exorcist-Priest’s corpse-prison. This Fallen Angel had been searching the East Coast for the demon horde for centuries because the Exorcist-Priest was born and supposedly died in Massachusetts. It never knew that, when the Exorcist-Priest became terminally ill due to the demon spirits poisoning his system, he secretly traveled to Michigan to die where his body could not be found by anyone. Fanning’s spirit leaves his own corpse and possesses Deputy Moss, who directs Kenny Marshall to find the long-dead priest while he considers how he can make best use of Deputy Moss’ body. He tells Marshall that Raleigh Douglass hid the coffin somewhere in the mine.
Connect with the characters: Military prisoner Raleigh Douglass in prison transfer area, cuffed to a chair. Guard watches TV newscast about the earthquake showing Raleigh’s ex-wife, Denise Washington, standing before the abandoned copper mine with a Sheriff’s Deputy, Christine Diamond, behind her. The wind is fierce near the mine, blowing any loose object away behind the TV newscaster. Flashback: Raleigh fighting with Arnold Fanning and killing him. Behind “talking head” Denise, Deputy Moss waves Christine away to talk, allowing Kenny Marshall to enter the mine unobserved by them but in full view of the TV audience. Raleigh stands abruptly, upset. The guard turns, cautious, orders him to sit down, which he does. An orderly comes in. The guard cuffs Raleigh to the chair. The orderly gives Raleigh his pills, which he puts in his mouth. He sips the water and hands it back to the orderly, who leaves.
DEMAND: Why did Raleigh Douglass kill Arnold Fanning?
REVEAL: Raleigh killed Arnold Fanning to prevent him from releasing those demons.
The characters are warned not to do it: On TV, Denise warns viewers to stay away from the mine because it has collapsed. Authorities will be checking the damage. Raleigh sees Christine and Moss end their conversation. Christine then enters the mine in the background of the TV broadcast. Raleigh asks for a tissue to wipe his nose. The guard gives him one, uncuffs one of his hands, and returns to his seat. Raleigh spits his meds out into the tissue, which he tosses in the garbage. Guard tells Raleigh his escort has arrived to transport him for another psych evaluation. As he uncuffs Raleigh, he asks if he is still seeing demons, laughs. Flashback: Raleigh dragging the coffin into the mine, then running his finger across the Latin inscription.
DEMAND: What is the priest’s body doing down here in an abandoned mine?
REVEAL: Raleigh Douglass hid the body inside the abandoned mine to prevent release of the demon spirits.
Inside the mine, Kenny Marshall searches for where Raleigh hid the coffin containing the Exorcist-Priest’s corpse. He calls out to them and tells them he was sent by Lix Tetrax, the fallen angel of the wind. He hears soft whispers beseeching him to release them. He follows the sound.
Denial of Horror: Lucas Cooper, Raleigh’s best friend, goes to check on the mine. Denise talks to him, surreptitiously recording him and asking him about Raleigh and how he used to hang out at the mine before he was sent to prison. She tells Cooper that Raleigh is crazy because of the stories he told.
During transport from prison, Raleigh feigns a heart attack, overpowers his guards and steals the vehicle.
DEMAND: Why does Raleigh Douglass escape custody, risking his life to go back to his hometown?
REVEAL: Because he saw news footage of the earthquake and the affect on the mine where he buried the Exorcist-Priest’s body
Character Death 2: Kenny Marshall, illegitimate brother of Arnold Fanning
Why: Made a bad decision – He finds the coffin, which has been partially-revealed by the earthquake. The Latin writing on the coffin is visible. Marshall runs his fingers over it, hears the Latin words spoken in the Exorcist-Priest’s voice from over three hundred years ago. He hears sighs and soft moaning from the demons imprisoned inside.
DEMAND: What is the meaning of the Latin words inscribed on the lid of the coffin?
REVEAL: Prayer keeping the demon spirits imprisoned in the name of God.
He opens the coffin to reveal the priest’s body with the large gold cross on his chest. Marshall demands rewards before agreeing to remove the cross from the body. The demons agree. After he removes the cross the priest grabs him by the throat, lifts him off the ground and strangles him. Fire and light energy blast out from Marshall’s eyes, nose, ears and mouth. The trapped demons were enraged by his attempt at extortion.
How: Betrayed – Corpse of long-dead Exorcist-Priest burns Marshall’s soul out after he removes cross from his chest, stressing the perfectly-preserved skin from the priest’s body, weakening the human prison that holds the demons trapped inside.
DEMAND: After Kenny Marshall removes the cross from the body of the Exorcist-Priest, why do the demon spirits kill him?
REVEAL: The demon horde won’t allow his attempt at extortion.
Safety taken away: Later that evening, retired Sheriff Knickerbocker is with current Sheriff Titus Reynolds and a group of volunteers helping those hurt by the earthquake. Volunteer Firemen Willie Klein and Paul Wayne rest near the water cooler just outside Reynolds’ office when report of Raleigh’s escape comes in. Told that highway video surveillance has tracked him headed to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, Reynolds tells his deputies to issue a BOLO and put up roadblocks. He tells Deputy Sheriff Oak Harris to go straight to the mine where Raleigh was arrested to hang out and watch. Don’t take any chances. Shoot to kill. Knickerbocker tells Harris not to shoot unless he has to, but Reynolds countermands that and reminds Knickerbocker that he is not sheriff anymore. Reynolds remembers that Knickerbocker told him when he arrested Raleigh that he mentioned a solid gold cross, behaved fanatically about it, said it was the most important thing in the world, and wonders if he’s coming back for it. Overhearing about the solid gold cross, Klein and Wayne make tracks. Outside, they jump in a pickup truck and race away from the Sheriff’s Office.
Meanwhile, at the mine, after the news crew & deputy are gone, the wind turns fierce again as Lucas sneaks inside the mine. He is spotted by Denise, who watches the mine from afar through binoculars. The wind becomes violent. She rushes to her car and gets inside. She makes a call to the police to report seeing Lucas go inside the mine. She notices the wind has stopped. She opens the car window. Everything is completely still and silent. The wind has stopped and no one is in sight.
The pickup with the volunteer firemen arrives and pulls off into the shrubbery. Klein and Wayne get out and look around. Klein finds Denise unconscious inside her car. He checks her pulse, frowns. Wayne rushes over to him, asks if she’s okay. Just asleep, Klein tells him. Let’s go before she wakes up and spoils this for us. They run to the mine. Inside, they agree to split up to cover more ground in the hope they’ll find the gold cross before. Klein follows footsteps in the wet ground into a small room used for cleaning tools. Old tools lay around, covered in dirt and dust. The imprint of a large hammer that is now gone stands out. Klein turns – the old hammer smashes into his eye repeatedly. He drops. Soft voices complain, “No, no, no, no” because one of the demon’s reacted instinctively and Klein didn’t get a chance to damage the priest’s body. The Exorcist-Priest’s body twists and turns as the demons inside argue and fight one another.
Character Death 3: Volunteer Willie Klein
Why: – A character flaw that compels them to take the wrong action – Looking for old gold cross
How: Backed into it – Hammer smashed through his eye socket.
Inside the mine, Lucas goes to check on the coffin because he knows where Raleigh hid it. He finds it open and the body gone. He climbs over the coffin and finds the dead body of Kenny Marshall, on his back with his orifices burned out.
Horror Situation: The vanished corpse.
Reaction: Terrified. Lucas runs out of the mine and is grabbed and pulled off his feet by Deputy Sheriff Oak Harris, who tells him Sheriff Reynolds got the word that Raleigh had escaped and might be coming back here where he made all those crazy claims about demons and a huge gold cross. Oak drags Lucas back inside because he believes Raleigh is hiding in the mine and he intends to use Lucas as a human shield while he hunts down Raleigh.
Horror Situation: Paul Wayne calls out to Willie. He’s nervous because he’s hearing voices whispering. They get louder and he realizes there are several voices and they are saying horrible things in Englisha and Latin. He runs out in search of Willie Klein, falling through a hole in the ground. Grateful that he hasn’t fallen far, he calls out for Willie. He hears someone walking slowly above him. It stops just beyond his line of sight. A hand extends to him. He grabs it eagerly.
Character Death 4: Fireman Paul Wayne
Why: Monster made the decision – accepted helping hand without looking at whose hand it was
How: Escape attempt takes him into it – Falls through hole in mine, pulled up by priest, who burns his soul out, further weakening the human prison that holds the demons trapped inside. The priest drops the body back through the hole. Again the demon voices argue, forcing the Exorcist-Priest’s corpse to bounce off the walls. They shriek in anger.
Horror Situation: Being forced right back into the Lion’s Den. The corpse with a horde of demons trapped inside is loose and Oak is dragging Lucas right back inside the mine.
Reaction – Fight: Lucas pleads with Oak, then tries to fight him, but the huge cop punches him in the stomach and drags him along.
Raleigh arrives, parks the vehicle out of sight of the road, then he searches for vehicle or foot tracks, but the area is a mess from TV and police visits. Hearing sirens, he goes inside the mine.
Monster: The nature of the beast: The corpse of the priest-exorcist seeks a way out of the mine. The trapped fallen angel spirits inside sniff for human vulnerability. It senses Lucas and Oak, calls out to them by name.
Horror Situation: Exposure of their guilt and vulnerability: the dead priest taunts them, trying to lure them to their deaths.
Reaction: Oak follows the sound of the voices. He demands to know who is talking. Is that Raleigh playing a trick? When he finds him, he’s going to put him down like the rabid animal he is. The demons inside the priest know who Raleigh is: he’s the one who killed Arnold Fanning, preventing him from freeing them from their corpse-prison. They ask if Raleigh is there and say they have been waiting for him. That’s enough for Harris, he pistol-whips Lucas and leaves him as he goes off to follow the voices.
Character Death 5: Deputy Oak Harris
Why: A character flaw that compels them to take the wrong action – To prevent Lucas from helping Raleigh to escape while he follows the voices calling out Raleigh’s name
How: Charge blindly into action – Priest attacks but stops and stands still while Oak shoots him repeatedly, the bullets piercing his body, which leaks flame and light energy. When Oak tries to retreat, the Exorcist-Priest burns his soul out, further weakening the human prison that holds the demons trapped inside. Lucas sees it and remembers what Raleigh told him through a Flashback: Lucas visiting Raleigh in prison.
DEMAND: What is the source of the energy coming out of the priest’s body when he kills?
REVEAL: The energy is drawn from the spirits inside its body. If they can seal the body, the energy will be prevented from coming out.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated: More cops and search volunteers arrive at mine, find Deputy Harris’ vehicle, but he doesn’t answer their calls. They find the vehicle Raleigh stole, then the pickup truck driven by Willie Klein. Denise joins them and tells them that Oak and Lucas are inside the mine and don’t know that Raleigh entered behind them. Raleigh is dangerous. Deputy Hugh Taylor recognizes Denise as Raleigh’s ex-wife and remembers that she divorced Raleigh after his arrest and disowned him. Two deputies remain outside, one to guard the mine entrance and the other to watch the road. The rest of the deputies split up, most search outside while a couple of others go inside the mine.
Horror Situation: We see the face of the deputy guarding the mine entrance: He is John Moss, the one who was killed at the grave. His body is now possessed by the demon who had previously possessed Arnold Fanning. He checks his gun.
Reaction: Inside the mine, the deputies spread out to look for Raleigh and Oak.
Horror Situation: Each isolated deputy hears gunshots and a scream that is abruptly cut off. Deputies approach from different directions. Deputy Hugh Taylor shouts Oak Taylor’s name. He confronts the priest, who has blood on his clothes. The collection of voices inside the Exorcist-Priest tell Taylor they just killed Deputy Harris and were know going to kill him. Taylor fires once. The collection of demon voices laughs and it reverberates throughout the mine. The bullet wound glows, then emits light energy. Taylor retreats.
DEMAND: Why is this priest (or whatever force is animating it) killing people instead of seeking an exit?
REVEAL: Because the spirits of the Fallen Angels inside can’t escape the body until it has decayed. The Latin prayer inscribed on the coffin has made the body of the Exorcist-Priest incorruptible. It won’t decompose like a normal body would, so it must be destroyed and it must be destroyed by humans, not demons.
ACT 3 – FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death – Knickerbocker finds Raleigh and orders him to surrender. Raleigh does, but tells Knickerbocker what’s going on. The old sheriff doesn’t fully believe Raleigh, but he’s seen some dead bodies and doesn’t believe Raleigh could have killed the way he’s seen it done.
DEMAND: Who was this priest and what is the energy emanating from him?
REVEAL: He was a very important, imperious Exorcist-Priest who traveled the new land disposing of evil spirits who possessed people and places. He came to a New England town suffering from a plague of demons and instead of exorcising them individually, he decided to follow the example of Jesus Christ, who exorcised a legion of demons from a man and sent them into a herd of swine. The Exorcist-Priest, however, was filled with pride and believed that only he could tame and suffocate those Fallen Angel spirits because he was the most devout and powerful servant of God in all the land.
Knickerbocker leads Raleigh out, but on the way they find the priest standing over one of the dead deputies. Knickerbocker is shocked. Raleigh tells him about the demons inside the Exorcist-Priest’s body but he doesn’t believe it. The priest walks slowly towards them. Knickerbocker orders him to stop. The priest lunges at Knickerbocker but Raleigh pushed the old sheriff aside and trips the Exorcist-Priest, impaling him on a large, old chisel. The Exorcist-Priest removes the chisel from his body, looks down at the open wound and shouts in joy in the collective voice of all the demons inside him. The energy inside him pulses, some spilling from the wound, resulting in small surges of light energy. Knickerbocker and Raleigh run for their lives and become separated. Raleigh is caught by Christine, her gun aimed at him. They lock eyes. She lowers the gun. He explains the situation. They must find the cross that had neutralized the corpse. Their search leads them to a small railway.
DEMAND: How can the demon horde be stopped without destroying the priest’s body?
REVEAL: They must be suppressed and forced into hibernation by use of a power lock and the prayer to God for intercession to keep the Exorcist-Priest’s body incorruptible.
Hysteria – There are dozens of demons imprisoned inside the priest’s body. As soon as his flesh rots enough they will be free to wreak havoc. They are some of the most powerful and important fallen angels capable of bringing untold death and terror.
DEMAND: Why is the priest active now?
REVEAL: Someone has made a pact with another Fallen Angel to release the demon horde for some terrible purpose.
Raleigh and Christine find a minecart. Christine steps inside. Raleigh pushes and the cart increases speed. When it gets going fast he climbs inside. The Exorcist-Priest pops up from inside it where he was hiding.
The thrilling escape from death – Battling the priest inside an accelerating minecart, Raleigh & Christine push the corpse out into an open mine shaft. The priest’s body disappears. Christine and Raleigh jump out just before the minecart crashes into a wall. Lucas catches up to them with dynamite. Despite the danger of a cave-in, he looks down upon the priest’s still body at the bottom of the shaft, lights a stick and drops it. The mine rains down rocks and debris. They look back down the shaft to see the area covered in rocks and dirt.
Deputy Taylor finds them. Against Christine’s objections, he arrests Raleigh and Lucas. He cuffs Raleigh and asks Christine to cuff Lucas. She tells Taylor that what Raleigh said is true. There is a corpse with a horde of demons inside. Taylor wonders if she’s on drugs or just delusional from the cave-in. Taylor tells her to cuff Lucas or he’ll take her handcuffs and do it himself. She does but shares a knowing look with Lucas. She doesn’t secure the cuffs.
Deputy Knickerbocker finds Marshall’s dead body. He rolls him over. The cross is under his body. Knickerbocker picks it up, his jaw drops. Flashback: Raleigh cuffed by Knickerbocker. Raleigh tells him the only thing keeping those demons imprisoned is the cross that was blessed with a prayer to keep the demons inside and to keep the priest’s body incorruptible.
DEMAND: What is the plan the demon horde has if it is released?
REVEAL: To possess important local people and move on from there until they are strong enough to find a way to release Satan from his eternal prison so he can rule the world.
Horror Situation: Knickerbocker tucks the cross inside his shirt and goes in pursuit. He hears the sound of digging. He goes over to a hole in the ground. He sees hands reaching out from under a pile of rock and debris. A soft voice cries for help. Knickerbocker asks who it is. The hands dig faster. Knickerbocker helps dig. His hand is seized. The priest’s head pops out from under the dirt. It talks about a tragedy from the old sheriff’s past. Knickerbocker stares, wide-eyed, as the priest rises from the debris. When it lets go of him to stand, he jumps back and rolls away from the hole. Knickerbocker pulls his gun and aims . . . FLASHBACK . . . A handcuffed Raleigh telling him that the demons want the priest’s body destroyed so they will be free. Knickerbocker leans over for a closer look. The cross falls out from under his jacket and hits the priest. Multiple voices shriek in agony. The cross bounces off him and hits the dirt. The imprint of the cross has been burned into the Exorcist-Priest’s outer cassock. The demons howl. Knickerbocker gets to his feet. The demon leaps up and grabs onto the edge of the hole.
Reaction: Knickerbocker stumbles away in full retreat. The Exorcist-Priest hauls himself up, a dozen blended voices cursing softly, and gets to his feet. It pursues Knickerbocker, calling his name and preying on his guilt from past mistakes.
Knickerbocker runs into Taylor, Raleigh, Christine and Lucas. He tells them what happened. Taylor shakes his head, thinks Knickerbocker is an old fool and has probably gone senile. Raleigh tells him they must retrieve the cross but Taylor is dismissive. Knickerbocker agrees and tells them how the priest reacted when the cross hit him. The priest reaches them, calls out in its collective voice. Taylor is momentarily paralyzed. Knickerbocker tells him that the priest is going to kill them all Taylor orders the priest to stop, but he continues walking towards him. The priest sniffs Taylor, mentions Taylor’s personal guilt and tells Taylor he is going to kill him. Taylor strikes the priest with his nightstick. The priest seizes his wrist and makes him drop it, then grabs him by the neck and tears his head off.
Character Death 6: Deputy Hugh Taylor
Why: – Made a bad decision — Tries to apprehend the Exorcist-Priest
How: Charges Blindly into action – Head torn from his shoulders
Knickerbocker, Christine, Raleigh and Lucas run to retrieve the cross. Knickerbocker stumbles into the priest and screams for help, but falls through the same hole that Paul Wayne fell through. Raleigh, Christine and Lucas hear Knickerbocker’s scream cut short. The priest looks down but Knickerbocker isn’t moving, having landed on Wayne’s body. The priest hears Raleigh calling for Knickerbocker and hides. When Raleigh, Lucas and Christine arrive, the Exorcist-Priest lunges at them, knocking them down like bowling pins.
Raleigh jumps to his feet while Lucas and Christine rush to recover the cross. The Exorcist-Priest grabs Lucas by the ankle and reels him in. Raleigh charges. The Exorcist-Priest releases Lucas and backs Raleigh into a corner. The Exorcist-Priest tells Raleigh he knows who he is and lunges for him. Raleigh ducks under him. The priest turns to find –
The cross right in his face, held by Christine, her hands shaking. The Exorcist-Priest is frozen still. Christine holds it while Raleigh and Lucas try to drag the priest’s body away but it is incredibly heavy. They find an old wheel barrel, push him into it and drag it away. A minor quake knocks them down and Christine loses the cross. The priest crawls lightning-fast after Raleigh and grabs his ankle. Lucas jumps on the priest’s back but it rolls over and kicks him in the face. Raleigh punches the priest to no effect. The priest grabs Raleigh, lifts him into the air with one hand and chokes him. Christine recovers the cross and shoves it right into the priest’s face. The collection of voices screams. The image of the cross is burned into his face. The priest slowly drops to his knees. Raleigh cries over Lucas’ body. Christine shouts for him to help. Raleigh drags the priest the rest of the way and hurls him into his old coffin. The voices plead for release, alternately threaten and entice with rewards. Raleigh is blinded by tears as he leans against a wall. Christine lays the cross on his chest with a sizzling sound. The priest’s eyes close.
Death returns to take one or more. – As Raleigh, Lucas and Christine exit the mine they are stopped by the possessed deputy. He cuffs Raleigh even though Christine tells him it’s not necessary. The deputy shoots Christine and Lucas, then drags Raleigh back inside so he can find the priest and release the demons.
Character Death 7: Lucas Cooper
Why: For a moral reason – To allow Raleigh and Christine to escape
How: Surprised/Blindsided – Shot by Deputy Moss (possessed by spirit of Arnold Fanning, the man Raleigh killed to prevent the release of the demons)
Raleigh tries to lead him astray, but the deputy sniffs the air and follows the scent. Raleigh asks why he hasn’t killed him if he can track the priest without him. The deputy says he needs Raleigh to do a job for him, then he will set him free. Raleigh knows what the job is and he refuses to lead Moss to the Exorcist-Priest. Moss is furious, the disembodied voice of Arnold Fanning emerges, swearing vengeance for Raleigh having killed him, but he tells Raleigh that he’s going to allow the horde of demons to torture Raleigh with him.
Resolution – Retired Sheriff Knickerbocker blasts the deputy with a shotgun. He helps Raleigh out of the mine. Outside, Christine is being tended to by paramedics. She will live but Lucas is dead. Knickerbocker asks why the demon inside the deputy didn’t kill Raleigh. He tells him it requires a living human being to remove the cross. A corpse animated by a demon can’t do it.
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Brian G. Walsh’s Character Death Track
What I learned doing this assignment is that deciding the “how” and the “why” helps prevent the story from becoming too repetitive by providing different death scenarios and different reasons.
ASSIGNMENT
Character Death 1: Deputy John Moss
Why: Starts the horror – He catches Ken Marshall illegally digging up the grave of Arnold Fanning
How: Surprised/Blindsided – Seized by corpse in grave and strangled to death by the spirit of Arnold Fanning, who made a deal with a powerful fallen angel to release the horde trapped inside the Exorcist-Priest’s corpse-prison
Character Death 2: Kenny Marshall, illegitimate brother of Arnold Fanning
Why: Made a bad decision – Trapped demons enraged by his attempt to extort promises from them
How: Betrayed – Corpse of long-dead Exorcist-Priest burns his soul out when he removes cross from his chest, stripping a layer of skin from the priest’s body, weakening the human prison that holds the demons trapped inside. Marshall thought he had a deal but found out too late he was wrong.
Character Death 3: Volunteer Willie Klein
Why: – A character flaw that compels them to take the wrong action – Looking for old gold cross
How: Backed into it – Impales him with iron pole
Character Death 4: Fireman Paul Wayne
Why: Monster made the decision – accepted helping hand without looking at whose hand it was
How: Escape attempt takes him into it – Falls through hole in mine, pulled up by priest, who burns his soul out, further weakening the human prison that holds the demons trapped inside
Character Death 5: Deputy Oak Harris
Why: A character flaw that compels them to take the wrong action – To prevent Raleigh Douglass to escape while he tries to arrest the Exorcist-Priest –
How: Charge blindly into action – Priest burns his soul out, further weakening the human prison that holds the demons trapped inside
Character Death 6: Deputy Hugh Taylor
Why: – Made a bad decision — Tries to apprehend the Exorcist-Priest
How: Charges Blindly into action – Head torn from his shoulders
Character Death 7: Denise Washington
Why: For a moral reason – She finds chimney escape route but keeps it to herself and covers it back up after she climbs inside so monster and others can’t follow her
How: Escape Attempt Takes Her Into It: Climbs out of chimney but is caught by Deputy Moss
Character Death 8: Lucas Cooper
Why: For a moral reason – To allow Raleigh and Christine to escape
How: Sacrificed – Neck broken by Exorcist-Priest
Character Death 9: Deputy John Moss (again!)
Why: Made a bad decision – To prevent him from killing Raleigh
How: Surprised/Blindsided – Frank Knickerbocker shoots him in the head with a shotgun, freeing Arnold Fanning’s spirit to roam
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SCENE: (Lesson 10 – Cycle QE#2 – 2nd Draft, after watching the video critique)
LOGLINE: John, an undercover cop, tries to get Nick to agree “on tape” to pay for a hit on the mayor and to gain entrance into his criminal organization in order to get information to shut it down.
ESSENCE: John tries to show he’s cool and tough enough to work for Nick’s criminal enterprise while Nick tries to determine John’s capability, access to get the job done and suitability for a chance at full-time employment.
NOTE: Since actually showing the fight scene wasn’t mandatory, I chose not to include it.
INT. DIVE BAR – NIGHT
Low light obscures the worn and scarred furnishings. Most table are full with a lower-class clientele dressed appropriately.
At a table at the back, NICK BALBONI, 45, well-groomed, sports jacket, white shirt but no tie, sips his drink. TWO BRUTES, ABE, 30 and BULL, 25, sit on either side scanning the room. They are muscular and menacing. Both wear their jackets open to reveal they are carrying weapons. The tables closest to them are empty. There is a NO SMOKING sign just behind Nick’s head.
Entering the bar is JOHN, 30, five o’clock shadow, leather vest, no shirt, jeans. He heads straight for the bar, orders a drink.
Bull nods to Abe. He turns to Nick.
ABE
He’s here, boss.
Nick cleans lint off his sports jacket.
John turns from the bar, sips his drink, scans the room. He raises his glass to Nick.
Nick cleans his fingernails.
Bull hurries to the bar.
BULL
Don’t draw attention to the boss, asshole.
(puts a hand on John)
C’mon.
John shrugs him off.
JOHN
He can wait.
Bull seethes. He turns to Nick for guidance.
Nick removes a cigar from his jacket, lights up and blows a huge smoke ring.
John pounds his drink down, sets the glass on the bar. He walks to the table and sits across from Nick without being asked.
Nick smooths his jacket, fails to make eye contact with John.
Abe seizes John’s forearm.
ABE
You don’t sit until the boss tells you to sit.
Bull sits down, opens his jacket to clearly reveal his weapon.
JOHN
(looks at Abe’s hand)
Don’t get too attached to that paw of yours
’cause I might have to break it.
Nick nods to Abe. He releases John.
JOHN
I could use another drink, Nick. You buying?
NICK
(chuckles)
For you, John, anything. Maybe a snack, too?
JOHN
I could use a cheeseburger. Plain, no crap on it. No
fries. And a Molson. Make that two Molson’s.
(Turns to Abe)
Think you can manage that, Ape?
ABE
(through gritted teeth)
Name’s Abe, not ape.
JOHN
Honest mistake.
NICK
I’m a gentleman, John, but Abe and Bull don’t have the
best of manners. You don’t want to agitate them.
JOHN
Lose the muscle and we can talk, man-to-man, unless you
can’t hold up your end.
(beat)
Maybe you’re only tough when you have Ape and Bullshit
holding your hands.
Abe and Bull each grab one of John’s arms.
JOHN
I had a dog like them once. Turned on me. Had to put him down.
They do that sometimes. Turn on you.
Nick waves Abe and Bull off.
Abe and Bull release John.
NICK
Do me a favor, Abe. Get him his burger. He’s an asshole
but he’s gonna be our asshole. You guys get something for
yourselves, too.
(to Bull)
John here is a Stanley tool. The right tool for the job.
Don’t I always say that, Bull? The right tool for the job.
That’s why I always use Stanley tools.
(beat)
Make sure what John and I say here, stays here and only here.
ABE
(glares at John)
Whatever you say, Mr. Balboni.
Bull stares at Nick a moment, uncomprehending.
Abe whispers to him. Bull’s eyes light up. He nods.
Abe and Bull head for the bar.
JOHN
I hope you had them neutered.
NICK
You shouldn’t have come here, John. I don’t like
doing business outside my comfort zone.
JOHN
You look comfortable to me.
(look around)
I’m surprised to see you in a shithole like this. Bet
your business associates wouldn’t approve.
NICK
You think I give a fuck what those assholes think!
I’m gonna own them. I’m gonna own this whole
fucking town!
JOHN
King Nicholas, the first.
NICK
You’ve got a cast iron pair, John. I like that. I don’t
want people working for me who scare easily.
JOHN
I’m not working for you yet.
NICK
You want to know what’s in if for you. I’m a businessman,
I respect that. But let me be perfectly clear: when you’re
swimming in my ocean, you’re swimming with sharks.
You want to play for the winning team.
JOHN
You’re mixing your metaphors.
Nick leans close, conspiratorial.
NICK
(softly)
Abe and Bull want to ice you pretty bad.
(beat)
Convince me! Why should I stop them?
JOHN
They want to ice me? I thought they were
just attack dogs. They do your thinking
for you, too?
NICK
(stares hard)
You’re either about to get rich or about to
get dead.
JOHN
What’s this all about? I got a right to know.
NICK
This ain’t a democracy. You don’t got no
rights I don’t give you.
JOHN
I need to know why. It’s who I am.
NICK
This ain’t about what you want. For the
money I’m paying you –
JOHN
I don’t want to know, I need to know. It helps me
justify. Makes me sympathize with your need and
make it my own. Makes it my mission. Personal.
Nick leans back, his eyes focused, intense. He
stares off into the past.
NICK
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cop.
John frowns.
Nick puts a hand over his heart.
NICK (CONT’D)
Swear to God.
(beat)
I wanted to be the good guy. But if you
they won’t let you be the good guy . . .
Nick’s eyes tear up. He looks away, wipes
them with his sleeve.
JOHN
This isn’t just payback. You’re sending a message.
NICK
With that son-of-a-bitch dead no one will dare
stand up to me.
JOHN
What happened? Why didn’t you become a cop?
NICK
His honor, the mayor, happened.
John waits, expectant.
NICK
Long a story. Another time, maybe.
(beat)
You sure you can get inside?
JOHN
I got access.
(beat)
But I want in. Not just this one job. I want to be part of your little
organization. Not in America, of course. Not after this.
NICK
Your mom will get blamed.
JOHN
She’ll pass any lie detector test because she’ll tell the truth. She won’t
even know I’m in the house.
(beat)
I know her cleaning routine. Start to finish. I’ve got a dupe key
and the passcode.
NICK
Won’t be hard for the cops to figure out if it wasn’t your mom, it was
someone close to her.
JOHN
But I won’t be hanging around because you’ll prove I was on a private
plane that left town the night before.
NICK
I can arrange a credit card trail support that.
(beat)
I’ll send Abe and Bull to help you.
JOHN
Those two WWF freaks will only draw attention.
(beat)
I work alone or not at all.
NICK
If you can pull this off, you got a job for life.
Nick extends his hand.
JOHN
However long it lasts.
John shakes.
NICK
I can have you out of the country the same night. I can take
care of your mom, too.
JOHN
Very generous of you, Nick, but I won’t let you involve her
in this. Pay me extra instead and I’ll make sure she gets it. I
don’t want it traced to you and I don’t want her owing nothing
to you.
NICK
You don’t trust me. I’m sick in my heart.
JOHN
But you’ll get over it.
(beat)
About my advance.
NICK
Half now, the rest when the job’s done.
JOHN
Cash only.
NICK
Let’s take it to my little office in the back.
JOHN
Lead the way . . . boss.
Nick leads John to the back room.
Bull stands at the open door.
Inside, Abe sits at a desk. On the desk is a cheeseburger and two cans of Molson Golden.
John smiles.
JOHN
Maybe we can be friends after all, Abe.
John walks inside and sits. He digs into his burger.
At the door, Bull leans close to Nick.
BULL
(holds up small device)
He’s wearing a digital transmitter. I called Stanley. He’s
waiting for the word to block it.
NICK
I was just starting to like John.
BULL
I’m really gonna enjoy this.
NICK
Give Stanley the word. Then show John just how
ill-mannered you and Abe can be.
-
Brian G. Walsh’s Horror Situation Track
What I learned doing this assignment is that filling in the “Horror Situation Track” helps build an outline of the story, step-by-step.
I went over this multiple times, removing things and bringing them back and removing others. This is going to take a lot more work to complete a comprehensive outline, but that will come in the steps that follow.
TITLE: I AM LEGION
ACT 1 – SETUP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established:Minor earthquake rocks Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Kenny Marshall digs up a grave.
Horror Situation: Inside abandoned copper mine, walls falls, dust fills the air. In a hidden dugout behind a wall, a large coffin shakes. A dozen soft voices, blended together, whisper from inside the coffin.
Reaction – Fight: Deputy sees Marshall digging up the grave of Arnold Fanning and orders him to stop.
Horror Situation: The deputy cuffs Marshall, a quake sends them sprawling and opens the grave. The coffin is smashed open from inside. On his knees, the deputy crawls over and looks down into the grave. His eyes go wide. A hand seizes him by the throat and pulls him down into the grave.
Reaction: Fight: to no avail.
Connect with the characters: Military prisoner Raleigh Douglass in prison transfer area, cuffed to a chair. Guard watches TV newscast about the earthquake showing Raleigh’s ex-wife standing before the abandoned copper mine with a Sheriff’s Deputy, Christine Diamond, behind her. He asks for a tissue to wipe his nose. He coughs and spits his meds out into the tissue, which he tosses in the garbage. Guard tells Raleigh his escort has arrived to transport him for another psych evaluation. He asks if Raleigh is still seeing demons, laughs. Flashback: Raleigh fighting with Arnold Fanning and killing him in self-defense. Flashback: Raleigh dragging the coffin into the mine.
The characters are warned not to do it: On TV, Denise warns viewers to stay away from the mine because it has collapsed. Authorities will be checking the damage. Raleigh sees Christine enter the mine in the background of the TV broadcast. He tenses.
Denial of Horror: Lucas Cooper, Raleigh’s best friend, goes to check on the mine. Denise talks to him, surreptitiously recording him and asking him about Raleigh and how he used to hang out at the mine before he was sent to prison. She tells Cooper that Raleigh is crazy because of the stories he told. During transport from prison, Raleigh feigns a heart attack, overpowers his guards and steals the vehicle.
Safety taken away: Later that evening, retired Sheriff Knickerbocker is with current Sheriff Titus Reynolds when report of Raleigh’s escape comes in. Reynolds tells his deputies to issue a BOLO and put up roadblocks. He tells Deputy Sheriff Oak Harris to go straight to the mine Raleigh used to hang out at and watch. Don’t take any chances. Shoot to kill. Knickerbocker tells Harris not to shoot unless he has to, but Reynolds countermands that and reminds Knickerbocker that he is not sheriff anymore. Meanwhile, at the mine, after the news crew & deputy are gone, Lucas sneaks inside the mine. He is spotted by Denise, who watches the mine from afar through binoculars. She pulls out her cellphone. Inside the mine, Lucas goes to check on the coffin. He finds it but when he opens it the body is gone. He crawls in past the coffin and finds the dead body of Kenny Marshall.
Horror Situation: The vanished corpse.
Reaction: Terrified. Lucas runs out of the mine and is grabbed and pulled off his feet by Deputy Sheriff Oak Harris, who tells him he got the word that Raleigh had escaped and might be coming back here where he made all those crazy claims about demons. Oak drags Lucas back inside because he believes Raleigh is hiding in the mine and he intends to use Lucas as a human shield while he hunts down Raleigh.
Horror Situation: Being forced right back into the Lion’s Den. The corpse with a horde of demons trapped inside is loose and Oak is dragging Lucas right back inside the mine.
Reaction – Fight: Raleigh arrives, parks the vehicle out of sight of the road, then he searches for vehicle or foot tracks, but the area is a mess from TV and police visits. Hearing sirens, he goes inside the mine.
Monster: The nature of the beast: The corpse of the priest-exorcist seeks a way out of the mine. The trapped fallen angel spirits inside sniff for human vulnerability. It senses Lucas and Oak, calls out to their names.
Horror Situation: Nightmare of their death. Exposure of their guilt and vulnerability: the dead priest taunts them, luring them to their deaths.
Reaction: Oak follows the sound of the voices. He demands to know who is talking. Is that Raleigh playing a trick? When he finds him, he’s going to put him down like the rabid animal he is. The demons inside the priest know who Raleigh is: he’s the one who killed Arnold Fanning, preventing him from freeing them from their corpse-prison. They ask if Raleigh is there and say they have been waiting for him. That’s enough for Harris, he pistol-whips Lucas and leaves him as he goes off to follow the voices.
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated: Cops arrive at mine, find deputy’s vehicle, but he doesn’t answer. They find the vehicle Raleigh stole. Denise joins them from her lookout area and tells them that Raleigh, Oak and Lucas are inside the mine. Two deputies remain outside, one to guard the mine entrance and the other to watch the road. The rest of the deputies go inside the mine.
Horror Situation: But one of them is gone. They can’t find her anywhere. We see the face of the deputy guarding the mine entrance: He is the one who was killed at the grave. His body is now possessed by the demon who had previously possessed Arnold Fanning. He checks his gun.
Reaction: Inside the mine, the deputies spread out to look for Raleigh and Oak.
Horror Situation: Each isolated deputy hears gunshots and a scream that is abruptly cut off.
Reaction: Deputies approach from different directions.
Horror Situation: One deputy falls through a hole in the ground. He calls for help. A hand reaches down and pulls him up. It is the corpse of the priest.
Character Death: The priest strangles the deputy and channels energy that bursts from the deputy’s eyes, mouth, ears and nostrils.
ACT 3 – FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death – Oak and Raleigh find the priest standing over the deputy’s dead body. Oak is shocked. Raleigh tells him what’s going on but he doesn’t believe him. The priest walks slowly towards the deputy, who orders him to stop. The priest lunges at Oak but Raleigh trips him. He tries to drag Oak away but Oak punches Raleigh, knocking him down. Christine arrives, gun drawn. She shouts for Oak to look out. Oak turns: the priest’s hand grabs his face. Flames shoot out from Oak’s eyes, nose, ears and mouth.
Hysteria – There are dozens of demons imprisoned inside the priest’s body. As soon as his flesh rots enough they will be free to wreak havoc. They are some of the most powerful and important fallen angels capable of bringing untold death and terror.
The thrilling escape from death – Battling the priest inside an accelerating minecart, Raleigh & Christine push the corpse out into an open mine shaft. The priest’s body disappears. Lucas catches up to them with dynamite. Despite the danger of a cave-in, he looks down upon the priest’s still body at the bottom of the shaft, lights a stick and drops it. The mine rains down rocks and debris. They look back down the shaft to see the area covered in rocks and dirt.
Deputy Taylor finds them. Against Christine’s objections, he arrests Raleigh and Lucas. He cuffs Raleigh and asks Christine to cuff Lucas. She tells Taylor that what Raleigh said is true. There is a corpse with a horde of demons inside. Taylor wonders if she’s on drugs or just delusional from the cave-in. Taylor tells her to cuff Lucas or he’ll take her handcuffs and do it himself. She does but shares a knowing look with Lucas. She doesn’t secure the cuffs.
Deputy Knickerbocker finds Marshall’s dead body. He rolls him over. The cross is under his body. Knickerbocker picks it up, his jaw drops. Flashback: Raleigh cuffed by Knickerbocker. Raleigh tells him the only thing keeping those demons imprisoned is the cross that was blessed with a prayer to keep the demons inside and to keep the priest’s body incorruptible.
Horror Situation: Knickerbocker tucks the cross inside his shirt and goes in pursuit. He hears the sound of digging. He goes over to a hole in the ground. He sees hands reaching out from under a pile of rock and debris. A soft voice cries for help. Knickerbocker asks who it is. The hands dig faster. The priest’s head pops out from under the dirt. It sniffs the air, then calls Knickerbocker by name. It talks about a tragedy from his past. Knickerbocker stares, wide-eyed, as the priest rises from the debris. It lifts a huge boulder off itself with one hand and tosses it aside. Knickerbocker aims his gun . . . FLASHBACK . . . A handcuffed Raleigh telling him that the demons want the priest’s body destroyed so they will be free. Knickerbocker leans over for a closer look. The cross falls out from under his jacket and hits the priest. Multiple voices shriek in agony. The cross bounces off him and hits the dirt. The imprint of the cross has been burned into his outer cassock. The demons howl. Knickerbocker gets to his feet. The demon leaps up and grabs onto the edge of the hole.
Reaction: Knickerbocker stumbles away in full retreat. The demon hauls himself up, a dozen blended voices cursing softly, and gets to his feet. The demon pursues Knickerbocker, calling after him.
Knickerbocker runs into Taylor, Raleigh, Christine and Lucas. He tells them what happened. Taylor shakes his head, thinks Knickerbocker is an old fool and has probably gone senile. Raleigh tells him they must retrieve the cross but Taylor is dismissive. Knickerbocker agrees and tells them how the priest reacted when the cross hit him. The priest reaches them, calls out in its collective voice. Taylor is momentarily paralyzed. Knickerbocker tells him that the priest is going to kill them all Taylor orders the priest to stop, but he continues walking towards him. The priest sniffs Taylor, mentions Taylor’s personal guilt and tells Taylor he is going to kill him. Taylor strikes the priest with his nightstick. The priest seizes his wrist and makes him drop it, then grabs him by the neck and strangles him. Christine, Raleigh and Lucas try to intervene but the priest drops Taylor’s dead body. Knickerbocker tells them to come with him. They follow him to retrieve the cross, then go in pursuit of the priest. Knickerbocker falls behind and stops to rest, his age catching up with him.
They find the priest heading for the exit. They lure him to them. At the last second, Christine brandishes the cross and immobilize him. Christine holds it while Raleigh and Lucas try to drag the priest’s body away but it is incredibly heavy. They find an old wheel barrel, push him into it and drag it away. A minor quake knocks them down and Christine loses the cross. The priest crawls lightning-fast after Raleigh and grabs his ankle. Lucas jumps on the priest’s back but it rolls over and grabs him. Raleigh punches the priest to no effect. The priest lifts Lucas into the air with one hand and breaks his neck. Christine recovers the cross and shoves it right into the priest’s face. The collection of voices screams. The image of the cross is burned into his face. The priest slowly drops to his knees. Raleigh cries over Lucas’ body. Christine shouts for him to help. Raleigh drags the priest the rest of the way and hurls him into his old coffin. The voices plead for release, alternately threaten and entice with rewards. Raleigh is blinded by tears as he leans against a wall. Christine lays the cross on his chest with a sizzling sound. The priest’s eyes close.
Death returns to take one or more. – As Raleigh, Lucas and Christine exit the mine they are stopped by the possessed deputy. He cuffs Raleigh even though Christine tells him it’s not necessary. The deputy shoots Christine and Lucas, then drags Raleigh back inside so he can find the priest and release the demons. Raleigh tries to lead him astray, but the deputy sniffs the air and follows the scent. Raleigh asks why he hasn’t killed him if he can track the priest without him. The deputy says he needs Raleigh to do a job for him, then he will set him free. Raleigh knows what the job is.
Resolution – Retired Sheriff Knickerbocker blasts the deputy with a shotgun. He helps Raleigh out of the mine. Outside, Christine is being tended to by paramedics. She will live but Lucas is dead. Knickerbocker asks why the demon inside the deputy didn’t kill Raleigh. He tells him it requires a living human being to remove the cross. A corpse animated by a demon can’t do it.
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Brian G. Walsh’s Horror Plot
What I learned doing this assignment is that creating the outline on short notice can be difficult but it is also fun. I had to change things several times even though this is a quick brainstorm and I know it will change again before the outline is finalized.
ACT 1
Atmosphere of Evil established: Surveillance footage of last year’s purging.
Connect with the characters: Family shown interacting, having dinner, and so on.
Denial of Horror: James assures his family that they are totally safe.
Safety taken away: Charlie disarms the security systems and lets in the Stranger. Henry shoots at James, allowing the stranger to escape into the house.
The characters are warned not to do it: The leader of the gang warns the Sanders to give up the Stranger or they will break into the house and purge on them.
Monster – The nature of the beast: With one shooting inside the house, the stranger loose, and the Purge gang stationed outside the house, the Purge has come to the Sanders home.
ACT 2
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: The power is shut off. The house surrounded by the gang. James and Mary hunting for the Stranger in the dark, not knowing if he is a killer.
One of us killed: Gang Leader shoots own friend.
MIDPOINT – The monster is worse than we thought: Stranger takes Zoey hostage.
Terrorized: James and family deal with trying to subdue and restrain the Stranger so they can give him up, horrifying themselves.
ACT 3
Full pursuit by the killer: Purger freaks break into the house and look for them.
Fight to the death: Charlie and Mary are nearly killed. James kills a bunch, but is then stabbed by the Gang Leader.
The thrilling escape from death: Zoey shoots Gang Leader. Neighbors kill the other Purger freaks. Everything seems okay until…
Hysteria: The Neighbors announce they are going to Purge the family!
Death returns to take one or more: Stranger shoots one of the neighbors and rescues the family.
Resolution: When Grace grabs for the gun, Mary slams it into her nose. The Purge ends, and everyone parts ways.EXAMPLE: THE PURGE
ACT 1
Atmosphere of Evil established: Raleigh’s JAG attorney tells him he’s being transported to a hearing in one hour. Raleigh watches a TV news report by his ex-wife about a minor earthquake that hit Raleigh’s hometown. Footage of old mine behind Denise Washington. Flashback: Raleigh dragging the ancient sealed coffin into the mine. While being transported, Raleigh has a flashback of Denise telling him she hates him and won’t be the mother of the child of a murderer. Raleigh feigns a heart attack, overpowers his guard escort and escapes. He doesn’t kill them, even though one of them tries to kill him. He takes the gun, punches the guard out and cuffs both escorts to the rear bumper of the vehicle. Raleigh takes the key and removes his handcuffs, then uses the guard’s gun to shoot the ankle bracelet off, wounding himself in the process.
Connect with the characters: Raleigh’s best friend, his daughter and Deputy Christine Diamond at diner. Kids sometimes play near the mine, but it was sealed off a long time ago.
Denial of Horror: Haven’t had any deaths around here since Raleigh murdered Arnold Fanning.
Safety taken away: Raleigh forces the sealed mine entrance open and disappears inside. His ex-wife, Denise Washington, sees him and takes out her cellphone.
The characters are warned not to do it: When they learn Raleigh was headed for their town, the retired sheriff warns the current sheriff not to send anyone into the mine. If Raleigh Douglass did go inside, there’s no way he can get out. Just post deputies at the entrance and wait him out.
Monster – The nature of the beast: The coffin has been exposed from the quake, revealed to have been sealed behind a wall of dirt. There is a warning etched into the top of the coffin.
ACT 2
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted: Denise’s online post goes viral. The sheriff sends his deputies to the mine. Randolph Marshall sees the online post, gets in his pickup truck and drives off. The sheriff assigns a deputy to watch Raleigh’s ex-wife and calls the retired sheriff and asks him to watch Raleigh’s best friend. Stopped by a collapsed wall, Raleigh digs it out, climbs through the opening. Marshall arrives and enters the mine. He follows Raleigh. Cops arrive and notice the stolen army vehicle and Marshall’s car. The seal on the mine entrance has been broken. Deputy Taylor goes inside and orders Deputy Johnson to guard the entrance and call the sheriff.
One of us killed: Raleigh finds the coffin and drags it out from the wall. Marshall watches from behind cover. Raleigh struggles to open it. He hears Taylor calling out for his surrender. He detours and hides. Marshall runs to the coffin, forces it open to reveal the corpse of Priest-Exorcist Bartholomew Keene. He wears a black, double-breasted cassock, black gown and black cap. Marshall removes the huge cross from the corpse’s chest. The long-dead priest’s eyes open wide. He seizes Marshall by the throat with one hand and lifts him off his feet. Marshall’s eyes, ears, nose and mouth spew flames as he struggles to get free. The priest drops the corpse to the ground on top of the cross, concealing it. At the police station, Knickerbocker tells the sheriff not to send anyone into the mine. He recalls what Raleigh said when he confessed to killing Arnold Fanning: that Fanning had made a pact with the devil and was about to release a horde of demons being held prisoner. The sheriff tells Knickerbocker he must be going senile if he believes garbage like that. He tells the junior deputy to go into the mine as soon as the rest of the deputies arrive.
MIDPOINT – The monster is worse than we thought: The priest senses Raleigh, sniffs the air and breathes in deep, satisfied. It identifies the vulnerability: guilt. It calls Raleigh’s name and his sin. Taylor hears the collection of voices calling Raleigh’s name and confronts the priest. The priest seizes the deputy, who fires every bullet into him. The priest kills the deputy the same way, then returns to the pursuit of Raleigh.
Terrorized: James and family deal with trying to subdue and restrain the Stranger so they can give him up, horrifying themselves. Christine and two other deputies arrive. She, Taylor and Oak go inside. She orders young Deputy Johnson to stay on guard at the entrance. Johnson argues that the sheriff told him to go inside, but Oak tells Johnson he can do that after he grows up. They find the dead deputy. Oak tells Christine he’s going to kill Raleigh the moment he sees him. Christine tells him to look at the corpse. What could Raleigh have done to leave marks like that? Hugh says it doesn’t matter, he agrees with Oak. Kill Raleigh on sight. They each take a separate trail. Christine finds Raleigh, tells him he’s lucky she caught him but that she wants to shoot him herself. The priest slowly walks up behind her. Raleigh moves but Christine aims her gun and tells him to freeze. He tells her it’s behind her but she doesn’t believe him. The priest gets close. Raleigh charges and Christine shoots, grazing him. She is spun around as the priest lunges for her. He misses and falls. She stares at the priest in horror. The priest’s eyes burn with fire. His fingertips glow. Raleigh grabs her gun and empties it into the priest. The voices chuckle. The priest struggles to its feet, groaning under the weight of the fallen angel spirits inside it.
ACT 3
Full pursuit by the killer: Raleigh and Christine are on the run. Christine almost can’t believe what she saw, but knows Raleigh told the truth. He tells her he doesn’t know how to kill it, but there was a cross on top of the priest’s body that acted as a power lock. It was put there with an ancient prayer to confine the fallen angels to dwell within the dead priest’s incorruptible body until the Day of Judgment.
Fight to the death: Oak finds Deputy Taylor’s body and fumes. He hears running and hides. When Christine and Raleigh arrive, he barrels into them. He lifts Raleigh off his feet and holds him up against the wall, strangling him. Christine tries to stop him, but he swats her away with one hand, sending her sprawling. He punches Raleigh repeatedly. Christine takes Oak’s gun from his holster and presses it into his back, orders him to release Raleigh. Oak calls her a whore and swears he’ll kill her, too. The demon voices call out to Christine about something from her past, to Raleigh about his past, and finally to Oak about something he is ashamed of. Oak is enraged and demands for whoever is talking to come out and face him. The priest shows himself.
The thrilling escape from death: The priest kills Oak but blocks their escape. Raleigh and Christine retreat deeper into the mine with the priest in pursuit. Backing them against the wall, Christine trips over Marshall’s body, revealing the tip of the cross. Raleigh uses it to immobilize the priest. He hands it to Christine, then drags the priest’s body back to the coffin and shoves him inside. All the while the collection of voices, alternately threatens and pleads for release. Christine places the cross on top of the body. She and Raleigh push the coffin into a new hole opened by the quake. They shovel dirt on it.
Hysteria: Arnold Fanning blocks their escape. He is alive, or is he?
Death returns to take one or more: Knickerbocker shoots Fanning and rescues Raleigh and Christine. This proves Raleigh didn’t kill Fanning. Knickerbocker will testify to that. Raleigh wants to run because he doesn’t trust the courts but Christine and Knickerbocker convince him to play it their way.
Resolution: The three depart the mine to make their report. Denise Washington is there with a TV news crew. The mine entrance collapses. Inside the mine, the “dead” Arnold Fanning rises. He sniffs the air and calls out the name of the long-dead priest, then recites the priest’s sin of pride in believing he was as powerful as Jesus and could imprison fallen angels the same way Christ did.
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I am posting to request a feedback partner.
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Brian G. Walsh’s Characters for Horror
What I learned doing this assignment is knowing the specific roles each character plays helps with creating characters with traits suited to those roles.
Concept: An escaped prisoner returns to his hometown to prevent the release of a horde of fallen angels who are imprisoned inside the corpse of a 17th Century exorcist priest who was secretly buried deep inside an abandoned copper mine.
Group: Team of Professionals
Dying Pattern: Pattern A – The sheriff, some of his deputies and some volunteers searching for the escaped prisoner are killed, one at a time.
Characters:
Leader – Deputy Christine Diamond; former girlfriend and high-school classmate of escaped prisoner.
Rescuer – Raleigh Frederick Douglass; escaped prisoner, former Army Sgt.-Major, confessed murderer who returned to his hometown to prevent the release of the horde of demons.
Innocent – Stephanie Cooper; daughter of Raleigh’s best friend who has a crush on Raleigh.
Out of control / Obnoxious – Deputy Oak Harris; bully-with-a-badge throws his weight around and threatens people as often as he meets them.
Red Herring – Lucas Cooper; lifelong best friend of Raleigh, retired Army Sergeant.
Love Interest or lovers – Denise Washington; Raleigh’s ex-wife who divorced him after he confessed to murder.
Complainer – Deputy Hugh Taylor; finds something to complain about in every situation.
Rebel / Rule Breaker – Retired Sheriff Frank Knickerbocker. The old sheriff claims he was in Bethel, New York, for Woodstock from August 15–18, 1969, when he would have been 9 years old. He quotes from old rock songs and was “born to be wild.”
Moral One – Sheriff Titus Reynolds; he believes in Old Testament justice. Though he didn’t know him well, he was friendly with Raleigh and respected his military service. But he believes that a soldier and law officer should be punished more severely than a regular citizen. He has issued a verbal “shoot on sight” order to his charges.
Monster Bait – Deputy Michael Johnson; he is daring and tries to make himself bait in order to catch Raleigh.
The Carrier: The one who brings the horror to the group – Randolph Marshall, the illegitimate brother of the man Raleigh killed, and the one who has assumed responsibility (and expects to reap the rewards) of the pact his brother made with the spirit of a fallen angel who spoke to him through his dead brother.
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Brian G. Walsh’s Terrifying Monster
What I learned doing this assignment is the more details you fill in about your monster, the more it begins to take on shape and the more scene ideas begin to accumulate.
My monster is a long-dead exorcist priest with a horde of demons trapped inside his corpse who are struggling to escape into the world again.
A few sentences for each of the following for your monster:
Their Terror:
How does the monster terrorize?
It speaks in a silky collection of soft voices blended together. These are the leaders of a horde of demons (fallen angels) trapped inside the corpse of the exorcist priest.
How does the monster pursue?
Having centuries of experience possessing humans, they can sense people’s fears, vices, vulnerabilities and guilt over past sins. The more intense the feeling about these weaknesses, the stronger the “scent” for them to follow. Pride is the most tantalizing of all because not only was it Lucifer’s sin that resulted in his fall, but it was the priest’s sin, too.
How does the monster isolate?
The demons use their ability to identify a person’s vulnerability. They can call out from inside the corpse in many different voices, the voices of those they have possessed over the centuries, from the voice of a small child, to a forceful young man, a harmless old man or to that of a seductive woman.
What is the terrible thing they do?
The demons use the dead exorcist priest to swallow the souls of their victims. When it eyes its victim, it inhales the vulnerabilities and other information and calls out their names to them, preying on anything they feel guilty for, telling them it is time for them to be judged.
How does the monster cause death?
The priest’s hands scorch them with the mark of “the Fallen” and burn their souls right out of them, leaving empty eye sockets and black-filled ears, mouth and nostrils from which the souls were clawed out of them.
What makes this inescapable?
The victims are trapped inside the mine.
Their Mystery:
What is the most mysterious thing about this monster? Right now, you are looking for the main mystery of your monster.
How the demons were kept dormant, how they were able to ambulate the dead priest and how they can be put into slumber again.
How do we stop the demons from escaping their human prison? How can we capture the corpse and seal it inside some place where it can never be found again?
Their Fear Provoking Appearance:
A dead priest who walks slowly due to the spiritual weight of all the demon spirits encased inside him. As he walks he quotes the Bible but his voice is a collection of silky voices comprised of the many demons inside him.
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LOGLINE: John, an undercover cop, tries to get Nick to agree “on tape” to pay for a hit on the mayor and to gain entrance into his criminal organization in order to get information to shut it down.
ESSENCE: John tries to show he’s cool and tough enough to work for Nick’s criminal enterprise while Nick tries to determine John’s capability, access to get the job done and suitability for a chance at full-time employment.
NOTE: Since actually showing the fight scene wasn’t mandatory, I chose not to include it.
INT. DIVE BAR – NIGHT
Low light obscures the worn and scarred furnishings. Most table are full with a lower-class clientele dressed appropriately. NICK BALBONI, 45, well-groomed, sports jacket, white shirt but no tie, sips his drink. TWO BRUTES, ABE, 30 and BULL, 25, sit on either side scanning the room. They are muscular and menacing. Both wear their jackets open to reveal they are carrying weapons.
Entering the bar is JOHN, 30, five o’clock shadow, leather vest, no shirt, jeans. He heads straight for the bar, orders a drink.
Bull nods to Abe. He turns to Nick.
ABE
He’s here, boss.
Nick cleans lint off his sports jacket.
John turns from the bar, sips his drink, scans the room. He raises his glass to Nick.
Nick cleans his fingernails.
Bull hurries to the bar.
BULL
Don’t draw attention to the boss, asshole.
(puts a hand on Nick)
C’mon.
Nick shrugs him off.
NICK
He can wait.
Bull seethes. He turns to Nick for guidance.
Nick reaches into his jacket as if he’s searching for something.
John pounds his drink down, sets the glass on the bar. He walks to the table and sits without being asked.
Nick smooths his jacket, fails to make eye contact with John.
Abe seizes John’s forearm.
ABE
You don’t sit until the boss tells you to sit.
Bull sits down, opens his jacket to clearly reveal his weapon.
John yawns, pats Abe’s hand.
JOHN
I know you care, but you’re really not my type.
Nick nods to Abe. He releases John.
JOHN
I could use another drink, Nick. You buying?
Nick chuckles.
NICK
Sure, John, anything you like. Maybe a snack, too?
JOHN
I could use a cheeseburger. Plain, no crap on it. No
fries. And a Molson. Make that two Molson’s.
(Turns to Abe)
Think you can manage that, Ape?
ABE
(through gritted teeth)
Name’s Abe, not ape.
JOHN
Honest mistake.
NICK
I’m a gentleman, John, but Abe and Bull don’t have the
best of manners. You don’t want to agitate them.
JOHN
We need to talk.
(beat)
They say you’re the toughest in town, Nick. Maybe
you’re only tough when you have Ape and Bullshit
hanging at your side.
Abe and Bull each grab one of John’s arms.
JOHN
I guess we can’t do business.
Nick waves Abe and Bull off.
Abe and Bull release John.
NICK
Do me a favor, Abe. Get him his burger. He’s an asshole
but he’s an asshole I need. You guys get something for
yourselves, too.
(to Bull)
John here is a Stanley tool. The right tool for the right job.
And he is the right tool. Make sure what John and I say here,
stays here and only here.
ABE
(glares at John)
Whatever you say, Mr. Balboni.
Bull stares at Nick a moment, uncomprehending.
Abe whispers to him. Bull’s eyes light up. He nods.
Abe and Bull head for the bar.
JOHN
I hope you had them neutered.
NICK
You shouldn’t have come here, John. I don’t like
doing business outside my comfort zone.
JOHN
You look comfortable to me.
(look around)
I’m surprised to see you in a shithole like this. Bet
your business associates wouldn’t approve.
NICK
You think I give a fuck what those assholes think!
What anyone thinks?
John sighs, shakes his head.
NICK
You’ve got a cast iron pair, John. I like that. I don’t
want people working for me who scare easily.
JOHN
I’m not working for you yet.
NICK
You want to know what’s in if for you. I’m a businessman,
I respect that. But let me be perfectly clear: when you’re
swimming in my ocean, you’re swimming with sharks.
You want to play for the winning team.
JOHN
I think you’ve had one too many. You’re mixing your metaphors.
Nick leans close, conspiratorial.
NICK
Convince me. How will you do it?
JOHN
(softly)
Convince me! Why do you want this done?
NICK
(stares hard)
I don’t want. I need.
John holds his gaze.
NICK (CONT’D)
You don’t need to know why.
JOHN
I always need to know why. It’s who I am.
NICK
For the money I’m paying you –
JOHN
I don’t want this, I need it. It helps me justify.
Makes me sympathize with your need. Makes
it personal for me, too.
NICK
He deserves so much more. I wish I could do it
myself, face-to-face, but I got too much to lose
now.
JOHN
So this isn’t just payback. You’re also sending a message.
Nick leans back, his eyes focused, intense. He
stares off into the past.
NICK
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cop.
John frowns.
Nick puts a hand over his heart.
NICK
Swear to God.
(beat)
To settle some scores against some people who really
needed killing.
(beat)
For my dad. For what they . . .
Nick’s eyes tear up. He looks away, wipes
them with his sleeve.
NICK
With that son-of-a-bitch dead no one will dare
stand up to me.
JOHN
What happened? Why didn’t you become a cop?
NICK
His honor, the mayor, happened.
John waits, expectant.
NICK
Too long a story. Another time, maybe.
(beat)
You sure you can get inside?
JOHN
Been there several times. I can get access to his favorite booze. The
one “His Honor” keeps in his home office.
(beat)
But I want in. Not just this one job. I want to be part of your little
organization. Not in America, of course. Not after this.
NICK
Your mom will get blamed.
JOHN
She won’t be in on it. She’ll pass any lie detector test. She won’t even
know I’m in the house
(beat)
I know her routine when she cleans. Start to finish. I’ve got a dupe key
and the passcode.
NICK
Won’t be hard for the cops to figure out if it wasn’t your mom, it was
someone close to her.
JOHN
But I won’t be hanging around because you’ll prove I was on a private
plane that left town the night before.
NICK
I’ll send Abe and Bull to give you a hand. Help you get away.
JOHN
Those two WWF freaks will only draw attention.
(beat)
I work alone or not at all.
NICK
(nods)
I can arrange to have a credit card trail support that.
(beat)
If you can pull this off, you’re definitely an asset I want working for me.
Nick extends his hand.
John shakes.
NICK
I can have you out of the country the same night. For real. I can take care
of your mom, too.
JOHN
Very generous of you, Nick, but I won’t let you involve her in this.
Pay me extra instead and I’ll make sure she gets it. I don’t want it
traced to you and I don’t want her owing nothing to you.
NICK
I’m sick in my heart that you don’t trust me.
JOHN
But you’ll get over it. I’ll need an advance.
NICK
Half now, the rest when the job is done.
JOHN
The credit window is closed. Cash money only.
NICK
Let’s take it to my little office in the back.
I’ll have Abe bring your food.
JOHN
Lead the way . . . boss.
Nick leads John to the back room.
Bull stands at the open door.
Inside, Abe sits at a desk. On the desk is a cheeseburger and two cans of Molson Golden.
John smiles.
JOHN
Maybe we can be friends after all, Abe.
John walks inside and sits. He digs into his burger.
At the door, Bull leans close to Nick.
BULL
(holds up small device)
He’s wearing a digital transmitter. I called Stanley. He’s
waiting for the word to block it.
NICK
I was just starting to like John.
BULL
I’m really gonna enjoy this.
NICK
Give Stanley the word. Then show John just how
ill-mannered you and Abe can be.
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Lesson One Assignment
What I learned from this assignment: Though they are predictable and not completely satisfying in this film, the conventions are used effectively.
1. I chose this film because it is relatively new (2022) and I haven’t seen it before.
2. Title: Rise of the Beast (2022)
Terrorize the Characters: The beast makes ominous growling sounds but when it is stalking prey it does so silently. It moves stealthily when it has to, but when it’s in full pursuit the ground shakes from its weight.
Isolation: Trapped inside a research facility and surrounding grounds.
Death: Two of the animal rights activists get killed quickly, one after the other. The soldiers get killed one-by-one, not longer after the activists are captured. The lead’s love interest gets infected, which means certain death. Two of the animal rights activists get killed quickly, one after the other. The soldiers get killed one-by-one, not longer after the activists are captured. The lead’s love interest gets infected, which means certain death.
Monster/Villain: Genetically-engineered gorilla that was once a human being
High Tension: They run into the monster ape inside the facility, resulting in the death of one of their team and injury to another. They are then chased outside to deserted cabin in woods. Another team member goes for outside help, only to be killed by the monster in the woods. The survivors are arrested by the military an brought to an underground prison/test lab for interrogation. The ape breaks in and hunts them all down.
Departure from Reality:Humans attacked by creature become infected, which mutates them into similar creatures.
Moral Statement: No one has the right to play God by tampering with the human genome.
3. It wasn’t a great horror film. There was plenty of standard horror suspense and tension with the ape stalking the activists and soldiers, but it was predictable. The script wasn’t very good. The CGI ape wasn’t effective during direct confrontation scenes. The dialogue was not an asset to the film. The ending left open the possibility of a sequel, which is standard operating procedure for horror films.
4. My Concept: An escaped prisoner returns to his hometown to prevent the release of a horde of demons trapped inside the corpse of a long-dead 17th Century exorcist priest.
Terrorize the Characters: A quake along the local fault line traps the search party inside the mine. Further quakes threaten to bury them. Meanwhile, someone or something is killing them off, one-by-one. They believe it is the escaped prisoner, but it isn’t.
Isolation: Abandoned mine.
Death: The search party is killed off, one-by-one. Quake blamed for first death.
Monster/Villain: Long-dead exorcist priest filled with demon spirits that animate him.
High Tension: Search party finds priest in coffin. Later on, when they are backtracking, they discover it gone. Demon-possessed dead priest stalks them while the demons inside struggle to break free of their human prison.
Departure from Reality: In the late 1600s, a terminally ill exorcist priest cast demons into himself in order imprison them the way Jesus Christ sent demons into a herd of swine that rushed over a cliff into the sea to be drowned. The dying priest sealed them inside a coffin with a prayer to prevent his body from decaying and a cross to hold them inside until the Day of Judgment.
Moral Statement: Pride is the deadliest of all, the root of all evil, and the beginning of sin.
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Name?
Hello, I’m Brian.
How many scripts you’ve written?
I have authored 7 complete screenplays, two epic novels and one short story anthology.
What you hope to get out of the class?
I hope to learn how to write a horror screenplay that has a realistic chance of being sold and produced.
Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?
I am the author of the self-published, award-winning epic novel, “The Last Angel To Fall” and its sequel, “A Cold Day In Hell.” Kirkus Reviews called my debut novel “A powerhouse first volume in a supernatural thriller series.” “The Last Angel To Fall” was also the recipient of the Gold Award from Literary Titan for September 2021. Readers Favorite awarded it with a 5-Star Review: “Brian G. Walsh is a master of symbolism and the deconstructing of scriptural wordplay with the imagination to pull it all together.” Sheena Monnin, Founder of Stellar Media Group, wrote: ”Rarely does a book so thoroughly captivate and enthrall in its entirety the way this book does!” I am also the author of “No Place For Mercy: An Eclectic Anthology” that has been well-received by readers. The theme of this collection of short stories is expressed through tales of war, science fiction, survival and love. I intend to adapt the novels and short stories into either TV series or films some day.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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Brian G. Walsh
“I agree to the terms of this release form.”
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Brian G. Walsh
3RD PASS:
Lesson 5 Scene: Robert & Trent
What I learned is: Considering alternate ways to accomplish the essence of the scene opens your mind to other possibilities. I decided to try a different approach regarding the ass-kicking at the end. Depending on the needs of the full script, this could unite two formerly opposing parties.
TRENT: Conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy
ROBERT: Smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem
Scene Arc: Trent and Robert reside in a German prisoner-of-war camp near the end of World War II. They celebrate the rumored imminent liberation of their POW camp, but their character flaws will be their undoing inside a camp full of enemies.
EXT. PRISON CAMP GROUNDS — DAY
Dark clouds but no rain. A prison camp of about twenty barracks laid out in a long line. The grounds are uniform, manicured dirt. Barbed wire encloses the entire camp. A guard stands overwatch in a forty-foot tower near the double gate.
Three dozen prisoners-of-war lounge around outside their barracks. Their uniforms are so dirty and worn that rank and country of issue is unidentifiable. Four men toss around an old, weathered ball. They smile and shout encouragement.
TRENT SWIRLING, 30, reed thin, pronounced chin, slouches. He claps his hands together. A cigarette always tucked behind one ear, he behaves as if this is a summer camp for his amusement. He keeps his fingernails as clean as possible and his manner refined.
ROBERT, 20, also thin, with a scar along the back of his neck, dances and sings with BOURNE, 22, lanky and edgy, and DENTON, 40, a bull of a man with a pudgy face and small, beady eyes.
Their singing gets LOUDER and draws contemptuous looks from their German guards.
ROBERT
The war is over! The war is over! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah!
TRENT
You goons and your rumors.
ROBERT
Cheer up, Moneybags. The camp’s going to be liberated any day now!
TRENT
When the war really is over, I’m going to come back here and just wallpaper right over Germany and use these Huns for the glue.
Robert picks up a tattered soccer ball and bounces it on the ground.
ROBERT
Sure, Trent, you’re John D. Rockefeller. Just rolling in dough, that’s why you’re here.
TRENT
Did I tell you I know John D. personally?
ROBERT
And Henry Ford, too.
TRENT
I’m a man of action, Robert. That’s why I volunteered to fight alongside you common folk.
ROBERT
You’re so full of shit.
Robert tosses the ball to Bourne.
BOURNE
When we get back to the States, I’ll introduce you to some real action, Robert. And you don’t need to be no Rockefeller to make time with these dames.
Robert blushes, looks away.
Bourne WHOOPS out loud and throws the ball to
Denton. The ball looks small in his meaty hands. He squeezes it, looks around.
DENTON
(grins)
Wilson and Murphy been gone three days. They must have made it! If they can escape, so can we!
A GERMAN ARMY SERGEANT, tall, fat, sinister eyes, watches them carefully from twenty yards away. He scowls at them.
ROBERT
And they’ll bring our boys right back here.
DENTON
Just a matter of time.
TRENT
Maybe it’s time these Krauts started learning who’s boss.
(beat)
Hey, Fritz! Hey, sergeant. Feldwebel!
ROBERT
Don’t push it, Trent.
The German Sergeant turns.
Trent FIRES the ball at him
The German Sergeant swats the ball away defensively.
Trent, Robert, Bourne and Denton laugh it up.
A GERMAN PRIVATE, 20, a huge ape with a Neanderthal look, brings the ball over to the German Sergeant.
The German Sergeant walks over to Trent, holds up the ball.
Trent smiles, reaches for it –
The German Sergeant STABS the ball with his knife, guts it. He drops it to the ground.
Trent glares at him.
Robert steps back, raises his hands defensively.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Game finish. Just like Allies. Finish.
TRENT
Tell him Robert!
Robert averts his eyes.
TRENT
Tell him! Tell Herr Sergeant what you heard.
The German Sergeant walks up to Robert, pulls him close, their noses almost touching.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Yvolt. Tell what you hear.
ROBERT
(shrugs)
Nothing special.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Hear Allies maybe come quick?
ROBERT
Maybe.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Sag ihnen, dass ich dich gut behandle.
(beat)
Ah, you tell them I treat you well?
The German Sergeant waves the German Private to his side.
Robert breathes heavily, looks at Trent.
TRENT
You want to make a deal you talk to me, feldwebel. I could make you a rich man, not to mention keep you from getting shot.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Ja, ich möchte einen Deal machen.
ROBERT
What?
TRENT
He wants to make a deal.
GERMAN SERGEANT (CONT’D
Komm mit, Robert. Come along, Trent.
He leads Robert into the solitary confinement barracks with Trent and the Private following.
INT. HALLWAY – SOLITARY CONFINEMENT – DAY
A stone walkway with small cells on either side.
TRENT
Not exactly the Ritz.
The German Sergeant shoves Robert and Trent up against the wall.
GERMAN SERGEANT
You two cause trouble. Big mouth. You make Wilson and Murphy escape.
TRENT
And they’ll be coming back with enough soldiers to turn every Kraut in this camp into Wienerschnitzel.
Robert smiles, the chameleon showing his bright colors now. Lying and gossip are his stock and trade, the only time he’s comfortable in his own skin.
ROBERT
But I can help you two escape.
The German Sergeant steps back, gestures for the Private to shut the door behind them.
TRENT
And I’ve got the money. Connections outside the camp. Why do you think Wilson and Murphy made their break? They’ll get a big reward from me when they bring the Allies back here.
(beat)
I could use two good men like you and the private here.
GERMAN SERGEANT
You big wheel?
TRENT
A personal friend of John D. Rockefeller, no less.
The German Sergeant looks at Robert.
ROBERT
Everyone in the States knows Trent “Sweet Money” Swirling.
GERMAN SERGEANT
I help you escape . . .
ROBERT
And we help you escape – from the American firing squad.
TRENT
We got a deal, Fritz?
The German Sergeant nods.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Kommen.
He leads them to one of the solitary confinement cells. They walk in, the Sergeant and Private behind them.
Robert RECOILS in shock –
Trent FREEZES, his mouth open wide.
TWO DEAD POWs, Wilson and Murphy, lie on the floor, their bodies a mess, beaten to death.
Robert and Trent are shoved to the floor.
The Sergeant KICKS Trent in the face.
The Private SMASHES Robert’s head with the butt of his rifle.
The Sergeant pulls Trent to his face, shoves him against the wall and PUMMELS him with punches to the face and stomach.
The Private SMASHES Robert’s stomach, arms and legs with the butt of his rifle.
Trent slides to the floor, blood streaming from his nose, his face bruised.
Robert lies still, his face a disfigured, bloody pulp.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Das ist der neue Deal.
TRENT
(softly)
The new deal.
-
2ND PASS ON THIS SCENE
Lesson 5 Scene: Robert & Trent
What I learned is: Establishing the character traits before writing the scene helps add depth to the characters.
TRENT: Conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy
ROBERT: Smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem
Scene Arc: Trent and Robert reside in a German prisoner-of-war camp near the end of World War II. They celebrate the rumored imminent liberation of their POW camp, but doubt soon creeps in. What happened to the two men who recently tried to escape? Was the escapee an informer? Did someone set him up? Trent and Robert are soon at odds.
EXT. PRISON CAMP GROUNDS — DAY
Dark clouds but no rain. A small prison camp of about twenty barracks laid out in a long line. The grounds are uniform, manicured dirt. Barbed wire encloses the entire camp. A guard stands overwatch in a forty-foot tower near the double gate.
A couple of dozen prisoners-of-war lounge around outside their barracks. Their uniforms are so dirty and worn that rank and country of issue is unidentifiable. Four men toss around an old, weathered ball. They smile and shout encouragement.
TRENT, 30, reed thin, pronounced chin, slouches. He claps his hands together. A cigarette always tucked behind one ear, he behaves as if this is a summer camp for his amusement. He keeps his fingernails as clean as possible and his manner refined.
ROBERT, 20, also thin, with a scar along the back of his neck, dances and sings with BOURNE, 22, lanky and edgy, and DENTON, 40, a bull of a man with a pudgy face and small, beady eyes.
Their singing gets LOUDER and draws contemptuous looks from their German guards.
ROBERT
The war is over! The war is over! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah!
TRENT
You goons and your rumors.
ROBERT
Cheer up, Moneybags. The camp’s going to be liberated any day now!
TRENT
When the war really is over, I’m going to come back here and just wallpaper right over Germany and use these Huns for the glue.
Robert bounces the ball on the ground.
ROBERT
Sure, Trent, you’re John D. Rockefeller. Just rolling in dough, that’s why you’re stuck here with the rest of us poor slobs.
TRENT
Did I tell you I know John D. personally?
ROBERT
Yeah, and Henry Ford, too.
TRENT
Johnny and I had a wager about whether or not America would enter the war. I told him we learned our lesson after the Great War. Then Pearl Harbor . . .
He tosses the ball to Bourne.
BOURNE
I can’t wait to get back home! Saturday nights with the dames! I’ll introduce you to some real fine honeys, Robert. You can have my hand-me-downs.
Robert blushes, looks away.
Bourne WHOOPS out loud and throws the ball to
Denton. The ball looks small in his meaty hands. He squeezes it, looks around.
DENTON
(grins)
Wilson must have made it! And if he escape, so can we!
TRENT
Wonder what happened to Murph.
Denton tosses the ball to Trent. Bourne looks at the ground. Robert locks eyes with Trent.
ROBERT
Someone ratted him out to the Krauts.
A GERMAN ARMY SERGEANT, tall, fat, sinister eyes, watches them carefully from twenty yards away. He scowls at them.
TRENT
(stares at Robert)
Someone who talks too much maybe.
Robert averts his eyes, looks around the camp.
ROBERT
I heard Wilson was an informer. He got Murph killed.
Denton squeezes the ball tighter. He mutters incoherently.
DENTON
Then Wilson didn’t really escape.
TRENT
Where did you hear that?
Robert shrugs, holds out his hands for the ball.
DENTON
(eyeing Robert)
I heard it, too. Someone said they saw him pass a note to a guard.
ROBERT
(to Trent)
You encouraged them to escape. Even came up with the plan.
Trent bounces the ball on the ground.
TRENT
I merely told them if they got help to us and I was freed, my family would reward them handsomely.
DENTON
If he was a fink, he’d tell the Krauts Trent planned the escape. They’d have done him like they done Murphy.
TRENT
If our boys are going to liberate the camp soon, like Robert claims, I have nothing to worry about.
A GERMAN CORPORAL, 22, tall and rigid, stops beside the Sergeant. They talk animatedly.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Maybe they bought your bullshit, Robert, and they’re going to just let us go before our boys overrun the camp.
ROBERT
Maybe if Wilson and Murphy hadn’t bought your bullshit, they’d be alive right now.
Trent glances at the two Germans, fingers the cigarette behind his ear.
The German Sergeant glances at Trent. He whispers to the Corporal.
The two Germans march over to the prisoners playing ball.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Game over. Back inside. Schnell.
The Corporal rges the men inside.
Trent casually COMBS his uhair, knocking the cigarette to the ground.
Just behind him, Robert STUMBLES and falls to his knees.
Trent, Bourne and Denton enter the barracks. Robert enters behind them and shuts the door.
INT. PRISON BARRACKS — DAY
Forty bunk beds, twenty each against the north and south walls.
Most of the beds are occupied with sick and emaciated men.
Trent and Robert stand at opposite sides of a small table.
TRENT
You think Wilson and Murphy are really dead?
ROBERT
You tell me.
Bourne stands at the door. Denton removes a long scrap of paper wedged into a crack in the wall. He peers out.
DENTON
The grounds crew is at it again.
Robert and Trent walks over to Denton. Standing on either side of him, they look out through the crack.
POV: The Sergeant, Corporal and two guards search the ground where they were playing ball.
DENTON
What the hell are they looking for?
ROBERT
A note dropped by their informer.
BOURNE
But Wilson escaped.
ROBERT
They’re not going to find it, Trent.
Robert holds up the dirty cigarette. Denton and Bourne close in.
Robert slowly unrolls the cigarette. Ersatz tobacco drops to the floor.
INSERT: Cigarette paper with tiny German handwriting.
Trent SHOVES Robert into Bourne, rushes to the door
Denton TACKLES HIM
Trent rolls over, shoves Denton back
Robert KICKS Trent in the face
Trent collapses
Denton runs to the door, opens it a crack
Robert GRABS Trent by the hair, turns him over and
SLAMS his face into the floor
ONCE — TWICE — THREE TIMES!
Bourne watches through the crack in the wall.
Robert rolls Trent over, straddles him and
STRANGLES him.
BOURNE
The guards!
Denton pulls Robert off Trent, tosses him aside –
Drags Trent to a bunk, heaves him onto it, turns him on his side, throws a threadbare blanket over him.
Robert and Bourne hurriedly sit, pick papers off the table and read.
Denton jumps into his own bed.
The barracks door OPENS
The Sergeant, the Corporal and two guards step in.
The Sergeant scans the room.
Robert and Bourne watch the Sergeant closely.
The Sergeant’s gaze falls on Trent.
Trent’s back is to him.
The Sergeant glances at Robert and Bourne.
ROBERT
Problem, Herr feldwebel?
The Sergeant walks over to Trent. He turns him over.
Trent’s face is a bloody pulp.
GERMAN SERGEANT
(German Subtitles)
Who did this?
TRENT
(choking)
Robert.
Trent’s eyes close. The Sergeant lifts Trent’s arm and checks his pulse.
The Sergeant’s EYES widen. He drops Trent’s lifeless arm, turns and points at Robert.
GERMAN SERGEANT
No one is coming to liberate the camp. No one is coming to save you.
GERMAN SERGEANT
(German Subtitles)
Take him!
The Corporal pulls Bourne away from the table.
The two guards lift Robert right out of his chair. They drag him out.
-
Brian G. Walsh
Lesson 5 Scene
2ND PASS ON THIS SCENE
Lesson 5 Scene: Robert & Trent
What I learned is: Establishing the character traits before writing the scene helps add depth to the characters.
TRENT: Conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy
ROBERT: Smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem
Scene Arc: Trent and Robert reside in a German prisoner-of-war camp near the end of World War II. They celebrate the rumored imminent liberation of their POW camp, but doubt soon creeps in. What happened to the two men who recently tried to escape? Was the escapee an informer? Did someone set him up? Trent and Robert are soon at odds.
EXT. PRISON CAMP GROUNDS — DAY
Dark clouds but no rain. A small prison camp of about twenty barracks laid out in a long line. The grounds are uniform, manicured dirt. Barbed wire encloses the entire camp. A guard stands overwatch in a forty-foot tower near the double gate.
A couple of dozen prisoners-of-war lounge around outside their barracks. Their uniforms are so dirty and worn that rank and country of issue is unidentifiable. Four men toss around an old, weathered ball. They smile and shout encouragement.
TRENT, 30, reed thin, pronounced chin, slouches. He claps his hands together. A cigarette always tucked behind one ear, he behaves as if this is a summer camp for his amusement. He keeps his fingernails as clean as possible and his manner refined.
ROBERT, 20, also thin, with a scar along the back of his neck, dances and sings with BOURNE, 22, lanky and edgy, and DENTON, 40, a bull of a man with a pudgy face and small, beady eyes.
Their singing gets LOUDER and draws contemptuous looks from their German guards.
ROBERT
The war is over! The war is over! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah! Adolf’s boys are marching in the wrong direction, hurrah, hurrah!
TRENT
You goons and your rumors.
ROBERT
Cheer up, Moneybags. The camp’s going to be liberated any day now!
TRENT
When the war really is over, I’m going to come back here and just wallpaper right over Germany and use these Huns for the glue.
Robert bounces the ball on the ground.
ROBERT
Sure, Trent, you’re John D. Rockefeller. Just rolling in dough, that’s why you’re stuck here with the rest of us poor slobs.
TRENT
Did I tell you I know John D. personally?
ROBERT
Yeah, and Henry Ford, too.
TRENT
Johnny and I had a wager about whether or not America would enter the war. I told him we learned our lesson after the Great War. Then Pearl Harbor . . .
He tosses the ball to Bourne.
BOURNE
I can’t wait to get back home! Saturday nights with the dames! I’ll introduce you to some real fine honeys, Robert. You can have my hand-me-downs.
Robert blushes, looks away.
Bourne WHOOPS out loud and throws the ball to
Denton. The ball looks small in his meaty hands. He squeezes it, looks around.
DENTON
(grins)
Wilson must have made it! And if he escape, so can we!
TRENT
Wonder what happened to Murph.
Denton tosses the ball to Trent. Bourne looks at the ground. Robert locks eyes with Trent.
ROBERT
Someone ratted him out to the Krauts.
A GERMAN ARMY SERGEANT, tall, fat, sinister eyes, watches them carefully from twenty yards away. He scowls at them.
TRENT
(stares at Robert)
Someone who talks too much maybe.
Robert averts his eyes, looks around the camp.
ROBERT
I heard Wilson was an informer. He got Murph killed.
Denton squeezes the ball tighter. He mutters incoherently.
DENTON
Then Wilson didn’t really escape.
TRENT
Where did you hear that?
Robert shrugs, holds out his hands for the ball.
DENTON
(eyeing Robert)
I heard it, too. Someone said they saw him pass a note to a guard.
ROBERT
(to Trent)
You encouraged them to escape. Even came up with the plan.
Trent bounces the ball on the ground.
TRENT
I merely told them if they got help to us and I was freed, my family would reward them handsomely.
DENTON
If he was a fink, he’d tell the Krauts Trent planned the escape. They’d have done him like they done Murphy.
TRENT
If our boys are going to liberate the camp soon, like Robert claims, I have nothing to worry about.
A GERMAN CORPORAL, 22, tall and rigid, stops beside the Sergeant. They talk animatedly.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Maybe they bought your bullshit, Robert, and they’re going to just let us go before our boys overrun the camp.
ROBERT
Maybe if Wilson and Murphy hadn’t bought your bullshit, they’d be alive right now.
Trent glances at the two Germans, fingers the cigarette behind his ear.
The German Sergeant glances at Trent. He whispers to the Corporal.
The two Germans march over to the prisoners playing ball.
GERMAN SERGEANT
Game over. Back inside. Schnell.
The Corporal rges the men inside.
Trent casually COMBS his uhair, knocking the cigarette to the ground.
Just behind him, Robert STUMBLES and falls to his knees.
Trent, Bourne and Denton enter the barracks. Robert enters behind them and shuts the door.
INT. PRISON BARRACKS — DAY
Forty bunk beds, twenty each against the north and south walls.
Most of the beds are occupied with sick and emaciated men.
Trent and Robert stand at opposite sides of a small table.
TRENT
You think Wilson and Murphy are really dead?
ROBERT
You tell me.
Bourne stands at the door. Denton removes a long scrap of paper wedged into a crack in the wall. He peers out.
DENTON
The grounds crew is at it again.
Robert and Trent walks over to Denton. Standing on either side of him, they look out through the crack.
POV: The Sergeant, Corporal and two guards search the ground where they were playing ball.
DENTON
What the hell are they looking for?
ROBERT
A note dropped by their informer.
BOURNE
But Wilson escaped.
ROBERT
They’re not going to find it, Trent.
Robert holds up the dirty cigarette. Denton and Bourne close in.
Robert slowly unrolls the cigarette. Ersatz tobacco drops to the floor.
INSERT: Cigarette paper with tiny German handwriting.
Trent SHOVES Robert into Bourne, rushes to the door
Denton TACKLES HIM
Trent rolls over, shoves Denton back
Robert KICKS Trent in the face
Trent collapses
Denton runs to the door, opens it a crack
Robert GRABS Trent by the hair, turns him over and
SLAMS his face into the floor
ONCE — TWICE — THREE TIMES!
Bourne watches through the crack in the wall.
Robert rolls Trent over, straddles him and
STRANGLES him.
BOURNE
The guards!
Denton pulls Robert off Trent, tosses him aside –
Drags Trent to a bunk, heaves him onto it, turns him on his side, throws a threadbare blanket over him.
Robert and Bourne hurriedly sit, pick papers off the table and read.
Denton jumps into his own bed.
The barracks door OPENS
The Sergeant, the Corporal and two guards step in.
The Sergeant scans the room.
Robert and Bourne watch the Sergeant closely.
The Sergeant’s gaze falls on Trent.
Trent’s back is to him.
The Sergeant glances at Robert and Bourne.
ROBERT
Problem, Herr feldwebel?
The Sergeant walks over to Trent. He turns him over.
Trent’s face is a bloody pulp.
GERMAN SERGEANT
(German Subtitles)
Who did this?
TRENT
(choking)
Robert.
Trent’s eyes close. The Sergeant lifts Trent’s arm and checks his pulse.
The Sergeant’s EYES widen. He drops Trent’s lifeless arm, turns and points at Robert.
GERMAN SERGEANT
No one is coming to liberate the camp. No one is coming to save you.
GERMAN SERGEANT
(German Subtitles)
Take him!
The Corporal pulls Bourne away from the table.
The two guards lift Robert right out of his chair. They drag him out.
-
Brian G. Walsh
Lesson 5 Scene: Robert & Trent
What I learned is: Establishing the character traits before writing the scene helps add depth to the characters.
TRENT: Conspiring, aggressive, meticulous, needy
ROBERT: Smooth, secretive, gregarious, low self-esteem
Scene Arc: Trent and Robert reside in a German prisoner-of-war camp near the end of World War II. They celebrate the escape of a fellow prisoner, but doubts soon creep in. Was the escapee an informer? Did someone set him up? Trent shows contempt for the Germans and questions who started the rumor that the escapee was an informer. An attempt to communicate with their captors gives away the real informer.
EXT. PRISON CAMP GROUNDS -- DAY
Dark clouds but no rain. A small prison camp of about twenty barracks laid out in a long line. The grounds are uniform, manicured dirt. Barbed wire encloses the entire camp. A guard stands overwatch in a forty-foot tower near the double gate.
A couple of dozen prisoners-of-war lounge around outside their barracks. Their uniforms are so dirty and worn that rank and country of issue is unidentifiable. Four men toss around an old, weathered ball. They smile and shout encouragement.
TRENT, 25, reed thin, pronounced chin, slouches. He claps his hands together. A cigarette always tucked behind one ear, he behaves as if this is a summer camp for his amusement. He keeps his fingernails as clean as possible and his manner refined.
TRENT
When the war's over, I'm going to come back here and buy this rotten dump. Convert it into a beer garden. No Krauts allowed, except as waiters.
ROBERT, 30, also thin, with a scar along the back of his neck, bounces the ball on the ground.
ROBERT
This is just like summer camp to me. With much stricter rules, mind you, but these clowns don't scare me.
TRENT
They're the one's who are scared, and rightly so. The ring is closing around their precious Reich.
He tosses the ball to BOURNE, 22, lanky and edgy. He wears an ear-to-ear grin.
BOURNE
Just a matter of time before our boys liberate the camp. Countin' the days, baby.
He WHOOPS out loud and throws the ball to
DENTON, 40, a bull of a man with a pudgy face and small, beady eyes. The ball looks small in his meaty hands. He squeezes it, looks around.
DENTON
(grins)
But Wilson made it! And if he escape, so can we!
TRENT
I wonder if old Murph is still alive.
Denton frowns. Bourne looks at the ground. Robert locks eyes with Trent.
ROBERT
They'll put us back on full rations tomorrow. That will make a full week. It's always a week.
A GERMAN ARMY SERGEANT, tall, fat, sinister eyes, watches them carefully from twenty yards away. He scowls at them.
ROBERT (CONT'D)
You see what that bastard did to Murphy after he caught him?
TRENT
(stares at Sergeant)
Yeah, come over here, Fritz.
The Sergeant looks away, but doesn't move. He places a hand on his gun.
BOURNE
You think it was all just for show?
Robert turns to him.
BOURNE (CONT'D)
Rumor says Wilson's an informer.
Denton squeezes the ball tighter. He mutters incoherently.
TRENT
Where did you hear that?
Bourne glances at Robert, shrugs and looks away.
DENTON
(eyeing Robert)
I heard it, too. Someone saw him pass a note to a guard.
ROBERT
Maybe that's the real reason he tried to escape. He knew the jig was up.
DENTON
You think he set up Murph?
Denton whips the ball to Trent.
TRENT
I think one out of two isn't half bad. I say, not a bad joke, what? One out of two. Half bad.
ROBERT
(to Trent)
You just had to push them.
Trent bounces the ball on the ground.
TRENT
I merely told them if they got help to us and I was freed, my family would reward them handsomely.
DENTON
If he was a fink, he'd tell the Krauts we helped plan the escape. They'd have done us like they done Murphy.
TRENT
Early days yet, my boy.
Four GERMAN GUARDS exit their barracks. Two carry sacks with very little in them.
ROBERT
Seems they finally recognized what a sterling gentleman you are, Trent. They sent you a maid service.
The Sergeant makes eye contact with the guards. A CORPORAL walks briskly over to him. The other three walk off to another building.
The Sergeant and the Corporal talk, out of hearing range.
Trent tosses the ball up in the air and drops it.
He drops to his knees, retrieves the ball.
The Sergeant marches over to him, puts one foot on the ball.
Trent yanks it out from under the sergeant's boot.
The sergeant fights to maintain balance.
Bourne and Denton laugh.
Robert watches closely.
The Sergeant cuffs Trent across the head.
The cigarette falls to the ground. The sergeant's foot kicks dirt over it.
The Sergeant seizes the ball. He blows his whistle, points to the barracks.
TRENT
Game over.
The Sergeant pushes him over onto his back.
Bourne and Denton walk into the barracks.
TRENT (CONT'D)
Now if they'd only hire me a decent tailor.
Trent brushes dirt off his pants, further obscuring
The cigarette on the ground.
Robert helps Trent up, nudges him towards the barracks.
Robert kneels, ties his shoe.
Trent stops at the barracks door, turns back.
Robert walks in past him.
INT. PRISON BARRACKS -- DAY
Forty bunk beds, twenty each against the north and south walls.
Most of the beds are occupied with sick and emaciated men.
Trent and Robert stand at opposite sides of a small table.
TRENT
You and your rumors. One of these days, that big mouth of yours is going to get you into big trouble.
ROBERT
Hey, don't look at me. I just passed it along. I don't know where it started.
TRENT
Who did you hear it from?
Robert looks away, shrugs.
Bourne stands at the door. Denton removes a long scrap of paper wedged into a crack in the wall. He peers out.
DENTON
The grounds crew is at it again.
Robert walks towards Denton.
Trent grabs his shoulder, spins him around.
TRENT
Who did you hear it from?
ROBERT
I did it to protect you. Everyone thought you were the informer. They were planning to kill you. I couldn't let that happen.
Trent releases Robert.
Robert walks over to Denton and peers out the crack.
TRENT
(to Robert)
You're the one who cozies up to the Krauts.
ROBERT
Herr Sergeant seems to be looking for something.
Trent comes up beside them to take a look.
POV: The Sergeant, Corporal and two guards search the ground where Trent was kneeling when the Sergeant hit him.
DENTON
What the hell are they doing?
Robert turns to Trent.
ROBERT
Looking for a note dropped by their informer.
DENTON
But Wilson . . .
ROBERT
They're not going to find it, Trent.
Robert holds up the dirty cigarette. Denton and Bourne close in.
Robert slowly unrolls the cigarette. Ersatz tobacco drops to the floor.
INSERT: Cigarette paper with tiny German handwriting
Trent SHOVES Robert into Bourne, rushes to the door
Denton TACKLES HIM
Trent rolls over, shoves Denton back
Robert KICKS Trent in the face
Trent collapses
Denton runs to the door, opens it a crack
Robert GRABS Trent by the hair, turns him over and
SLAMS his face into the floor
ONCE -- TWICE -- THREE TIMES!
Bourne watches through the crack in the wall.
Robert rolls Trent over, straddles him and
STRANGLES him.
BOURNE
The guards!
Denton pulls Robert off Trent, tosses him aside
Drags Trent to a bunk, heaves him onto it, turns him on his side, throws a threadbare blanket over him.
Robert and Bourne hurriedly sit, pick papers off the table and read.
Denton jumps into his own bed.
The barracks door OPENS
The Sergeant, the Corporal and two guards step in.
The Sergeant scans the room.
Robert and Bourne watch the Sergeant closely.
The Sergeant's gaze falls on Trent.
Trent's back is to him.
The Sergeant glances at Robert and Bourne.
ROBERT
Problem, Herr feldwebel?
The Sergeant scans the room again. His eyes fall on Trent. He quickly looks away. He nods to his guards. They turn and leave.
The Sergeant stares at Robert and Bourne a moment, then leaves.
-
This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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Every time I post there are HTML tags included. I can’t figure out how to post without these cursed tags appearing every time. I’ve had to go line-by-line to delete them, but this post is too long for me to do that right now. Can someone please tell me why when I cut and paste from my word processing program this keeps happening? How can I avoid this?
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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Brian
G. Walsh – Max Interest Part 1What
I’ve learned that is improving my writing is for a scene to truly
grab the reader and audience actions and words must emanate from
character and should demand the reader’s attention and hold it. And
situations should not settle for the mundane, they must be writ
large.SCENE
CHOSEN:Logline:
Taking his young stepson along to bond with him, Jim investigates the
aftermath of the beast’s attack on the now-closed elementary school
where he finds two children inside. They all become trapped when the
beast returns unexpectedly.Essence:
Jim has been out of the army too long. His situational awareness has
decayed. He disregarded what he considered exaggerations about the
beast and took for granted that no animal would attack in broad
daylight. Here he finally learns what his wife and stepson have been
telling him is true: this is no ordinary wolf. Unarmed, he recovers
his resolve and defends his stepson by doing what he did well when he
was in the army: he improvises.Interest
techniques: Challenging situation, suspense, uncertainty –
hope/fear, surpriseNEWLY
REWRITTEN SCENE:(NOTE:
The three children, Henri, Pierre and Emil are all elementary school
age.)INT.
MUSIC CLASSROOM – AFTERNOONHenri,
Jim, Pierre and Emil stand at the window, watching.The
beast turns towards the school, stares right at them.They
duck back from the windows.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONThe
beast trots towards the music room windows, sniffs.INT.
MUSIC CLASSROOM – AFTERNOONJIM
We
left the front doors open!Jim
looks around the room, desperate.A
thick, 6-foot long wood flagpole holding the French Tri-Colors rests
in a metal loop beside the blackboard.Henri
runs out into the corridor.JIM
(CONT’D)Henri!
No!Jim
plucks the French flag out of its holder.INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONHenri
runs to the double doors and slams them shut.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONThe
beast turns back towards the main entrance.INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONJim
steps out, flagpole in hand. Pierre and Emil step outbehind
him.Henri
fumbles to secure the door but can’t.JIM
Get
back here!The
double doors fly open, knocking Henri down behind them.The
beast stands in the doorway, silhouetted against the sun.Jim
and Henri lock eyes. Hidden from the beast behind theopen
doors, Henri’s mouth is open in a silent scream.JIM
(softly
to Henri-eyes on the beast)The
car, Henri. Get to the car.Jim
takes a step towards the beast, brandishes the flag likea
spear. Pierre and Emil run back inside the music classroom.The
beast charges Jim.Jim
steps back, thrusts the flagpole at the beast.Henri
sneaks around the door and runs outside.Jim
retreats into the classroom, jabbing at the beast to keep it at bay.The
beast leaps at him —INT.
MUSIC CLASSROOM – AFTERNOONJim
slams the door shut and throws his weight against it.He
drops the flagpole.The
door shakes and cracks from the impact, but it holds.Pierre
and Emil struggle to lift the flagpole.Jim
accepts it, hands shaking.BOOM!
The door splits in half, the beast’s paw slashes through
the opening.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONHenri
runs to Jim’s rental car but finds both doors locked.Henri
SCREAMS.HENRI
IT’S
LOCKED! THE CAR’S LOCKED!INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONThe
beast jumps back from the door and looks outside, cocks its head,
walks slowly walks towards the open doors, cautious, sniffs the air.INT.
MUSIC CLASSROOM – AFTERNOONJim
fishes the keys from his pocket, yanks the broken door open.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONHenri
tugs desperately on the driver’s side door.The
beast stands still, considers Henri.The
beast charges Henri.INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONJim
steps out in line of sight to the vehicle and hits the unlock button.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONThe
door unlocks.Henri
pulls it open –The
beast crashes into the door –Henri
falls one way, the beast the other.The
stunned beast shakes its head.Henri
crawls desperately for the door, opens it and jumps inside.The
beast stands and turns –Henri
slams the door shut.The
beast circles the car – throws itself against it
– cracks the driver’s side window.</font></font>INT.
RENTAL CAR – AFTERNOONThe
car shakes violently. Henri screams.INT.
MAIN SCHOOL CORRIDOR – AFTERNOONJim
charges out, flag held like a spear.EXT.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – AFTERNOONThe
beast jumps onto the hood of the car, slams his paws against
the windshield.It
CRACKS!Henri
cries.Jim
runs, flag in one hand, keys in the other. He hits buttons on
the key fob.On
the hood, the beast rises onto his rear legs.The
headlights come on, the panic alarm sounds, the hazard lights
flash off and on.Startled,
the beast falls over backwards into the snow.Jim
runs towards the car, pockets the keys, holds the flag with
both hands.The
beast rolls over and stands, faces Jim. Both are still, sizing
each other up.Jim
grips the pole tightly, looks into the car to see if Henri
is alright.The
beast charges and leaps. Jim holds the flag parallel with
both hands.The
beast’s front claws hack away at the thick, heavy flagpole,
gouging it.Jim
swings the French flag into the beast’s face, then spears it
with the pointed edge of the pole.The
beast yelps and retreats. Circles the car.JIM
Die,
you bastard!The
beast throws itself into the opposite side of the car.Jim
rushes around towards it.The
beast turns on him, but Jim swings the flag like a baseball
bat and hits it in the head, dropping the beast to the
snow.Jim
retreats back the way he came but slips –and
falls in the snow.The
beast leaps at him.From his knees, Jim
swings the flag low, takes the beast’s feet out from under
him.The
beast paws the flag, tears a hole in it.Jim
thrusts the point into the beast’s chest, the flag catches over and around
the monster’s head. Bleeding now, the beast tears the fabric fromthe
pole and runs off, the French flag caught around its neck.Jim
runs to the car, opens the door, sinks down to the ground.Henri
jumps into his arms.Jim
shakes like a leaf. Tears in his eyes, he hugs Henri tight.-
This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by
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Brian
G. Walsh Profiles PeopleWhat I’ve learned to improve my writing is that perceived character traits
aren’t real if they aren’t demonstrated. For a character trait to be
real it must reflect the essence of the character and these traits
will reveal themselves in dialogue and actions.This
didn’t work very well for me at first. Two of the first three people
I attempted to profile did not match the character traits I perceived
in them, which means I don’t have an accurate accounting of their
essence.I
was able to get two of the next three people I profiled to work, more
or less. Not every trait was demonstrated, some were hinted at, but I
am confident that, given more time and opportunity, those traits that
were hinted at would be fully revealed.Person 1
Gregarious
Sympathetic
Self-absorbed
Exhibitionist
Although
she is an exhibitionist, I misinterpreted her need to be wanted and
her need for attention as simple self-absorption. She hates being
alone and needs friends around her all the time. She moved from
another state and has no close relatives here. When you get to know
her you understand that she’s not always flirting to gain compliments
and attention, but it’s because she wants you to stay because she
gets lonely when she’s by herself. She clings to you and invents
reasons for you to stay longer just to avoid being alone.Person
2Narcissistic
Duplicitous
Uber-Patriot
Bigoted
I
was right about him. Although he comes off as a regular guy if you
don’t know him well, the more you are around him, the more you
realize what drives him. He feels he is smarter than everyone else
and is rigid in his beliefs. He is the kind of person who thinks a
loyal American never criticizes anything his country does, not matter
how wrong. If you tell him you hold your country to a higher standard
because you love America and want to be proud of it, he will tell you
that you should move out of the country if you want to criticize it.
He makes a point of denigrating other people when they are not
around, which I’m sure includes me.Person
3Abrasive
Dismissive
Dutiful
Judgmental
I
found that Person 3 feels that sugar-coating things, as he puts it,
only makes matters worse. He has no patience for what he calls
“stupid people doing stupid things.” He doesn’t tolerate what he
calls “stupid questions.” He works hard and goes out of his way
to tell people when they are doing something wrong, and he doesn’t do
it kindly. He is insulting and demeaning to people who make mistakes.
He does not show the ability to “walk in another person’s shoes”
and that lack of empathy leaves him disliked by most people who deal
with him. He finds everyone to be wanting in one way or another,
except himself. I didn’t realize his narcissism until I pushed him on
how he expects to be judged on his mistakes when he is so rude and
insulting to others when they make a mistake. He told me he stopped
making mistakes when he became a grown man. Everything he does now is
intentional.-
This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by
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<font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Brian
G. Walsh puts essence to work.</font></font></font><font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>What
I’ve learned is that these scenes were too “on-the-nose” and
lacked subtlety. A more nuanced approach is much more effective and
more powerful. People rarely say exactly what they are thinking. The
dialogue being “on-the-nose” also reflected poorly on the essence
of the characters because it wasn’t unique to them and could have
been spoken by anyone.</font></font></font><font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
1 Location: Outside new schoolhouse
Logline: Police detective is
wrong in his belief that a wolf killed these people.
Essence I’ve
discovered: Local historian is obsessed with proving he is right.
New
Logline: Local historian learns police detective will not listen to
him, even with evidence because he cannot think outside the box.</font></font></font><font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
2 Location: Boston Globe newspaper offices
Logline: Reporter Jim
Lewis sacrifices the story of his journalistic career in order to
accompany his wife back to France to bury her mother.
Essence I’ve
discovered: A former soldier, Jim doesn’t like his wife’s family and
is only doing this out of a sense of obligation. His motivations
aren’t pure and he resents his wife for having to lose this
story.
New Logline: Jim is embittered towards his wife for her
parents getting killed right when he is about to break the story of
his career.</font></font></font><font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
3 Location: Jim & Chantal Lewis’ house
Logline: Jim apologizes
to Henri and finds historical reference to there being a unique wolf
in this area.
Essence I’ve discovered: Jim is beginning to see
his guilt in his poor relationship with his wife and stepson and
starting to accept that there is more to the death of his
mother-in-law than meets the eye.
New Logline: Jim realizes he’s
been selfish and close-minded and tries to accept points of view
other than his own.</font></font></font><font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
4 Location: Marquette Farm
Logline: Jim overhears his wife and
stepson talking about the way he treats them.
Essence I’ve
discovered: Jim realizes how his wife and stepson really feel about
him.
New Logline: Jim is shocked to learn how his stepson doesn’t
feel loved by him and by much he has disappointed his wife but that
she still loves him.</font></font></font><font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Scene
5 Location: Marquette Pasture</font></font></font><font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Logline:
Tibault dismisses Duchesne’s belief that the attacking animal is not
a normal wolf.</font></font></font><font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>Essence:
Duchesne must prove his claim and is willing to risk his life to do
it.</font></font></font><font color=”#000000″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif”><font size=”3″>New
Logline: Duchesne steers Tibault into allowing him to act as bait to
set a trap.</font></font></font> -
I was born and raised in Lynn,
Massachusetts but currently live in Jackson, Michigan.I am the author of the self-published,
award-winning epic debut novel, “The Last Angel To Fall” and its
sequel, “A Cold Day In Hell.” Kirkus Reviews called my debut
novel “A powerhouse first volume in a supernatural thriller
series.” “The Last Angel To Fall” was also the
recipient of the Gold Award from Literary Titan for September 2021.
Readers Favorite awarded it with a 5-Star Review: “Brian G.
Walsh is a master of symbolism and the deconstructing of scriptural
wordplay with the imagination to pull it all together.” Sheena
Monnin, Founder of Stellar Media Group, wrote: “”Rarely does a
book so thoroughly captivate and enthrall in its entirety the way
this book does!”I am also the author of “No Place
For Mercy: An Eclectic Anthology” that has been well-received by
readers, some of whom compared certain stories to the writing of
Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck, Stephen King, Edgar Allan Poe, Rod
Serling and Dean Koontz.I am a three-time screenwriting
fellowship & contest finalist , screenwriting consultant,
screenwriting instructor, script coverage provider and script reader
for four international screenplay contests. (FULL DISCLOSURE: The
fellowships were minor contests and are no longer active. The contest
finalist was the Creative World Awards Competition.) One scriptwas an
animal horror, another an action-thriller and the third a
supernatural-thriller.I was the subject of a feature story on
Mlive.com regarding the presentation trailer I directed for a sci-fi
action-thriller I wrote that was a 2014 Scriptapalooza
Quarter-Finalist.I also wrote a feature story for
Metromode Media regarding independent filmmaking in Michigan.I previously worked for the largest
medical malpractice defense law firm in the United States as a
Special Assistant and spent a brief time working for a local Fair
Housing Center as an Investigations Coordinator researching housing
discrimination complaints.For real-life experience, while
researching the racially-charged, character-driven
supernatural-thriller “Fury,” which was chosen a Finalist
in the Creative World Awards, I enrolled in the Citizen’s Police
Academy hosted by the Jackson, Michigan, Police Department, which
involved lessons regarding all levels of police work and included a
ride-along with a patrol officer on Halloween. -
Title: Brian G. Walsh Finds the Essence
What I’ve Learned is that you can use
actions and non-actions to convey a deeper meaning under the surface
of a scene.Scene 1 Location: 3<sup>rd</sup> from
opening sceneLogline: John McClane reluctantly turns
down chance to pick up a pretty stewardess.Essence: McClane’s heart belongs to
someone else. He is still loyal to his wife and hasn’t accepted that
he won’t win her back.Scene 2 Location: Page 16
Logline: John and his estranged wife
reconnect for a moment but that moment is soon lost.Essence: There is still love between
husband and wife and still hope for reconciliation, but there are
still issues between them that haven’t been resolved.Scene 3 Location: Page 28
Logline: McClane learns that the
building has been taken over by terrorists who won’t hesitate to
kill.Essence: McClane is out of his element.
Even though he’s an experienced cop, being trapped and outnumbered
inside an office building is not something he’s been trained for. At
this moment he is desperate for outside help.Scene 4 Location: Page 34
Logline: McClane sends the dead body of
a terrorist down in the elevator with a note attached.Essence: McClane is trying to scare the
terrorists enough to make them think about leaving, or at least upset
them enough to make a mistake. He is showing them that they are
vulnerable and someone is fighting back, hoping to shake their
confidence.Scene 5 Location: Page 98
Logline: McClane asks cop to tell his
wife he’s sorry.Essence: McClane is making his peace
with death here and admitting that the estrangement in his marriage
was due to his inability to support his wife’s career ambitions.My selection for most profound essence:
Page 98Essence: McClane
is accepting death and accepting responsibility, finally admitting he
was wrong. He is making peace with death and admitting that the
estrangement between him and his wife was due to his inability to
support her career ambitions.I believe that is
the essence of this scene and that it’s also the essence of John
McClane’s life and marriage because he has been fighting against
insurmountable odds and risking his life to save the woman he loves,
but only now does he realize that his inability to accept her
ambitions as being just as deserving as his has led to this
situation. His love for Holly is even stronger than his pride.-
This reply was modified 2 years ago by Brian Walsh.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
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Brian G. Walsh
“I agree to the terms of this release form.”
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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I think you did a great job, Jeremy. The interest techniques made this compelling reading, never knowing what to expect and being surprised by the twists.
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That is my understanding, too, so if you are wrong, we are both wrong.
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You did a great job with this. It’s very difficult to rough out an outline this quickly but the great thing is now you have the whole story and can fill in the details and make whatever changes are necessary to figure out what works and what needs to be changed.
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I see several interest techniques and the character traits of Robert and Trent. Robert’s gossip is immediately on display, but I don’t think the auctioneer would decide not to sell to someone just on his word alone. The cake was brought in at the opening, but further down Alice and Mark bring the cake and donuts out. The bizarre donut and cake attack by Alice and Mark is a nice twist and a surprise at the same time. You do need to remember to describe the events so the reader or audience can see them on-screen. You summarized the bidding being stalled while people cleaned up the mess. The last sentence of the scene is also a summary. Their actions should be described as if they are happening right now. Trent’s manipulation of John shows that character trait very well. At the beginning when Trent arrives, it might have worked better if we’d seen him sneaking out of the kitchen. The ass-kicking is well done and brutal with Peter using a baseball bat.
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Anna, I love the Roman take on this. It’s interesting how it opens with a speech in the Senate but devolves into a back-room brawl between two scheming opportunists. Their character traits shine through. Interest techniques helped make this more interesting.
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Leah, you made good use of several interest techniques and the demons turning against Trent to help Robert was a genuine surprise. I think the dialogue would benefit from more use of subtext.
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David, that was really good. The dialogue was excellent and really gave insight to who these characters are. Great use of traits and interest techniques.
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Beth, the use of the gossip was a little too overt. However, you used the character traits and interest techniques really well.
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Beth, I went from writing screenplays to writing novels, so I know how difficult the use of tense can be changing from one to the other.
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Yanni, this was a really interesting and unusual scene. The setting was surprising and the plot was very timely. I see the traits and interest techniques on full display. The “ass-kicking” is hilarious! What can he do against a horde of children? How embarrassing! Great job.
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Brenda, you did a great job giving us a real good snapshot of what these two guys are all about. The character traits are revealing of who they are. Interesting approach in not showing the actual “ass-kicking” but providing audio and visual cues that tell the story without showing it on-screen.
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Jeremy, the second & third pass is much smoother. I love the feel of the dialogue. My interpretation of Hal’s instructions lead me to feel there should have been more than a single punch at the end of the scene. A minor detail which would only require an additional line of description to add to the beating.
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This works but seems a little lacking in subtext. What makes it a little difficult is the lack of information, as if this was pulled from the middle of a screenplay. I think a little more info about the situation would have helped, but it does the trick. I read the other comments and your response, so I know you are aware of this and are on top of it.
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I used Hal’s suggested approach, too. You did a good job converting the outline to the scene. There are instances where you write something that an audience couldn’t see on-screen. You’ve got to describe that through action in some way, even if it’s just a facial expression. I had difficulty using exposition for a while, too.
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Thank you, Anna, and thank you, Yanni. I thought about this the first day, but I couldn’t find notepad or wordpad on my computer, so I assumed I didn’t have either. After reading your comments, I did a Google search and learned how to find it by holding the “Windows logo” button and typing “notepad.” I’ve been experimenting for days using Movie Magic Screenwriter and other programs, but none of them worked. Your comments compelled me to search again.
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Thank you, Yanni, and thank you, Anna. I thought about this the first day, but I couldn’t find notepad or wordpad on my computer, so I assumed I didn’t have either. After reading your comments, I did a Google search and learned how to find it by holding the “Windows logo” button and typing “notepad.” I’ve been experimenting for days using Movie Magic Screenwriter and other programs, but none of them worked. Your comments compelled me to search again.
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I’ve still got a lot to learn, Leah, and I’ll keep looking for ways to improve my writing. Once in a while I get complacent, and the writing suffers. I need continuing education to prevent that and to inject me with renewed purpose and energy. I think we’re all going to benefit immensely from this class.
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Lynn, unfortunately the Forbidden Planet remake appears to be dead. From what I’ve read, it wasn’t a remake, it was more like a prequel, focusing on the Bellerophon mission that Leslie Nielsen’s crew went looking for in Forbidden Planet. That sounds like it would make a great film where they would find the ancient advanced city and the terror hidden there.
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<font color=”#000000″><font size=”5″><font face=”Times New Roman, serif” style=””>Outstanding,
Leah. With so many scripts you can enhance, you’ve got a long and
probably thoroughly enjoyable road ahead in injecting them with
renewed energy and purpose. I’m eagerly looking forward to upgrading
the writing of my own scripts. I think your worldview is beautiful
and admirable. I think you might like reading J. Michael
Straczynski’s autobiography, “Becoming Superman.” The
screenwriter of “Changeling” and 92 of the 110 episodes of
his groundbreaking “novel for television” science fiction
series, “Babyon 5,” throughout his childhood he endured a
neo-Nazi, alcoholic, wife-beating father who also beat him, and a
mother who once tried to murder him. The title refers to how
Straczynski would escape into a fantasy world through comics and 60’s
sci-fi TV shows like “Lost In Space” and “Star Trek”
in order to maintain his sanity. I deeply relate to this man, as I
was going through some very difficult times after my father died when
I was 5 years old. J. Michael Straczynski’s life story, which took
him from violent abuse and poverty to A-list screenwriter is worthy
of a feature film.</font></font></font> -
Leah, you have cut right to the heart of the matter, or I should say, the essence itself. When we create an outline, it’s important to know the essence and intention of the scene right there in the outline prior to writing the scene. In fact, you have inspired me to include an Essence entry under each scene of my outlines from this point on. It will be much simpler to fix or remove scenes prior to writing the script.