Beth Zurkowski
Forum Replies Created
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Logline: Marcus fight about death then kiss.
Essense:Never give up on who you care about.
INT. MOUNTAIN CAVE -NIGHT
MARCUS (30) red-head with freckles tall and muscular and CARLEY (25) blond with average height and skinney but muscular are plundering artifacts and books. They are using flash lights to see and have camped in a tent indoors. Marcus hears a voice coming from a floating orb.
MARCUS
The orb is mine.
He wraps his arms around it.
ORB
Let me out!
Only Marcus can hear the voice.
MARCUS
Did you hear that, Carley?
CARLEY
No, I don’t hear anything.
ORB
Let me out!
MARCUS
That…did you hear that?
CARLEY
No, are you okay?
MARCUS
Yes, I’m fine.
Marcus stabs the orb to get out what’s inside.
CARLEY
What’s gotten into you, Marcus?
ORB
Let me out!
A huge head of a woman sticks her head out of the Orb and she grows 20 feet. Which causes a bookcase of heavy tomes to fall on Carley’s head killing him instantly.
MARCUS
Who the fuck are you? You just killed my friend, Carley.
NECROMANCER
I’m Areen. You freed me from my doom. I will let you have my power to bring to life or to death as you see fit.
MARCUS
I want to bring back Carley.
NECROMANCER
As you wish, then I must go. Just touch his body and he will come back to life. Just know he will not be the same.
Marcus went to Carley’s body and with his touch he came awake.
CARLEY
What happened?
Necromancer left the cave leaving a gaping hole in the side of the mountain.
MARCUS
You where dead, now you are alive.
CARLEY
And who was that?
MARCUS
A large woman who gave me powers to kill or bring back to life.
CARLEY
Did you give me powers as well?
MARCUS
I don’t know. What can you do?
CARLEY
I can lift this book case which must weigh a ton.
Carley flips the bookcase off himself.
CARLEY
But it was better to be dead. I was in paradise, thank you very much.
MARCUS
I need you here to help plunder–
CARLEY
Please. Couldn’t you find someone else?
Carley pulled brain and bone out of his hair.
MARCUS
Sorry, no. You are tough and hardy.
CARLEY
I’m probably not 100% myself. Kill me please.
MARCUS
Sorry, no. And that’s the end.
CARLEY
But you don’t know if I will kill you.
Carley wandered away. But he felt a command pull from Marcus and had to stay in range of him to get some of his powers absorbed into his body.
CARLEY
What are you doing to me?
MARCUS
What do you mean?
CARLEY
I have to stay close to you otherwise I feel weak.
MARCUS
I thought I had the imagination not you.
CARLEY
I’m not making it up. It’s true. If I move away from you I get weak. I care about you but this is crazy.
MARCUS
Sorry? You care about me?
CARLEY
Yes, I love you.
Marcus comes closer to Carley and kisses him on the lips.
MARCUS
I just thought that was my imagination.
They kiss longer this time.
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Beth Zurkowski lesson 26 cycle 6
logline: Carley and Marcus fight about death and then kiss and make up.
essence.never give up on love.
INT. MOUNTAIN CAVE -NIGHT
MARCUS (30) and CARLEY (25) are plundering artifacts and books. They are using flash lights to see and have camped in a tent indoors. Marcus hears a voice coming from a floating orb.
MARCUS
The orb is mine.
He wraps his arms around it.
ORB
Let me out!
Only Marcus can hear the voice.
MARCUS
Did you hear that, Carley?
CARLEY
No, I don’t hear anything.
ORB
Let me out!
MARCUS
That…did you hear that?
CARLEY
No, are you okay?
MARCUS
Yes I’m fine.
Marcus stabs the orb to get out what’s inside.
CARLEY
What’s gotten into you, Marcus?
ORB
Let me out!
A huge head of a woman stuck her head out of the Orb and she grew 20 feet. Causing a bookcase of heavy tomes to fall on Carley’s head killing him instantly.
MARCUS
Who the fuck are you? You just killed my friend, Carley.
NECROMANCER
I’m Areen. You freed me from my doom. I will let you have my power to bring to life or to death as you see fit.
MARCUS
I want to bring back Carley.
NECROMANCER
As you wish. Then I must go. Just touch his body and he will come back to life.
Marcus went to Carley’s body and with his touch he came awake.
CARLEY
What happened?
Necromancer left the cave leaving a gaping hole in the side of the mountain.
MARCUS
You were dead and now you are alive.
CARLEY
But it was better to be dead. I was in paradise, thank you very much.
MARCUS
I need you here to help plunder this site.
CARLEY
Please. Couldn’t you fine someone else?
Carley pulled brain and bone out of his hair.
MARCUS
Sorry no. Only you will work. You are tough and hardy.
CARLEY
I’m probably not 100% myself. Kill me please.
MARCUS
Sorry no. And that’s the end.
CARLEY
But you don’t know if I will kill you.
Carley wandered away. But he felt a command pull from Marcus and had to stay in range of him to get some of his powers absorbed into his body.
CARLEY
What are you doing to me?
MARCUS
What do you mean?
CARLEY
I have to stay close to you otherwise I feel weak.
MARCUS
I thought I had the imagination not you.
CARLEY
I’m not making it up. It’s true. If i move away from you I get weak. I care about you but this is crazy.
MARCUS
Sorry? You care about me?
CARLEY
Yes, I love you.
Marcus comes closer to Carley and kisses him on the lips.
MARCUS
I just thought that was my imagination.
They kiss longer this time.
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INT. COMEDY CLUB-NIGHT
BRANDY PAUL (45) She’s wearing a dress and has blond hair is finishing up her act on stage and amid the laughter and clapping she comes back stage. PHIL SHIMDT (50) He’s tall and thin meets her there. VALERY PAUL (16) blond hair with jeans and t- shirt is cleaning up the make up and getting ready to go.
BRANDY
Phil, I’ve been invited on Saturday Night Live. This is what I dreamed of.
PHIL
That’s great! But I needed to find you and tell you the deed is done five days ago in Chicago. But I can no longer sleep because I’m guilt ridden.
BRANDY
I’m so sorry, babe.
PHIL
Please don’t be so stupid and call the police.
BRANDY
Well then I have a dilema. If I report him missing they will come after me or if I don’t say anything they will still come after me.
PHIL
And we can continue with this affair anymore.
BRANDY
But Phil I still love you. I need you.
PHIL
Please keep it down Valery might hear.
BRANDY
Sorry. But Phil let’s be reasonable.
PHIL
Look, I gotta go. See you later.
Phil moves behind a curtain and leaves.
VALERY
Someone call my name?
BRANDY
It’s not important, dear.
VALERY
When’s dad coming home?
BRANDY
He should be coming home in a couple days.
INT. BRANDY’S CAR -NIGHT
Brandy drops off Valery at a friend’s house. She phones Phil.
PHIL
Hello?
BRANDY
When will I see you later?
PHIL
Look stupid, that’s a figure of speach.
BRANDY
But I want to see you, Phil.
PHIL
If you confess to the murder I’ll continue to see you.
BRANDY
I can’t do that.
PHIL
You’ll get life in prison and with good behavior you could get parole. Then I’ll see you.
BRANDY
I don’t even know how you did it.
PHIL
I used a date rape drug and drown him. Simple as that. Look I can’t take the fall, my family has ties going back to English royaly.
BRANDY
Fine, I’ll confess. Anything to keep you out of prison.
PHIL
Thank you.
INT. POLICE STATION–DAY
Brandy enters and approaches the desk.
BRANDY
My name is Brandy Paul and my husband’s name is Peter Paul.I killed my husband and I worked alone.
POLICE DETECTIVE
How was it done?
BRANDY
I used a date rape drug and drown him.
POLICE DETECTIVE
When and where was this?
BRANDY
In Chicago and I don’t remember when.
POLICE DETECTIVE
Give me a time this accured.
BRANDY
5 days ago.
POLICE DETECTIVE
Where is the body?
BRANDY
At this time, I don’t know.
Police officer gets up out of chair.
POLICE DETECTIVE
Let’s go get fingerprinted and photos and I want you to fill out a confession’s form.
INT. PHIL’S CAR-NIGHT
Phil calls Valery.
PHIL
Hello Valery?
VALERY
Who is this?
PHIL
It’s Phil Schmidt. I saw how beautiful you are the other day at the grocery store and I want to ask you out on a date.
VALERY
How’d you get my phone number?
PHIL
I knew your mother.
VALERY
How?
PHIL
From college. Would you consider a date with me, please?
VALERY
Can you send a picture?
Phil sends a picture.
VALERY
Okay I guess I could.
Phil smiles evilly. He knows he has her attention.
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Beth Zurkowski cycle 5 assignment 23
Logline: Brandy takes the fall for what Phil did. And Phil falls for Brandy’s daughter Valery.
Essence: Sometimes love isn’t worth it.
What I learned is This was fun.
INT. COMEDY CLUB-NIGHT
BRANDY PAUL (45) is finishing up her act on stage and amid the laughter and clapping she comes back stage. PHIL SCHMIDT (50) meets her there. VALERY PAUL (16) is cleaning up the make up and getting ready to go.
PHIL
The deed is done five days ago in Chicago. But I can no longer sleep because I’m guilt ridden.
BRANDY
I’m so sorry, babe.
PHIL
Please don’t be so stupid and call the police.
BRANDY
Well then I have a dilema. If I report him missing they will come after me or if I don’t say anything they will still come after me.
PHIL
And we can’t continue with this affair anymore.
BRANDY
But Phil I still love you.
PHIL
Please keep it down Valery might hear.
BRANDY
Sorry.
PHIL
Look, I gotta go. See you later.
VALERY
Someone call my name?
BRANDY
It’s not important, dear.
VALERY
When’s dad coming home?
BRANDY
He should be coming home in a couple days.
INT. BRANDY’S CAR -NIGHT
Brandy drops off Valery at a friend’s house. She phones Phil.
PHIL
Hello?
BRANDY
When will I see you later?
PHIL
Look stupid, that’s a figure of speech.
BRANDY
But I want to see you, Phil.
PHIL
If you confess to the murder I’ll continue to see you.
BRANDY
I can’t do that.
PHIL
You’ll get life in prison and with good behavior you could get parole. Then I’ll see you.
BRANDY
I don’t even know how you did it.
PHIL
I used a date rape drug and drown him. Simple as that. Look I can’t take the fall, my family has ties going back to English royalty.
BRANDY
Fine, I’ll confess. Anything to keep you out of prison.
PHIL
Thank you.
INT. POLICE STATION–DAY
Brandy enters and approaches the desk.
BRANDY
My name is Brandy Paul and my husband’s name is Peter Paul.I killed my husband and I worked alone.
POLICE DETECTIVE
How was it done?
BRANDY
I used a date rape drug and drown him.
POLICE DETECTIVE
When and where was this?
BRANDY
In Chicago and I don’t remember when.
POLICE DETECTIVE
Give me a time this occured.
BRANDY
5 days ago.
POLICE DETECTIVE
Where is the body?
BRANDY
At this time, I don’t know.
Police officer gets up out of chair.
POLICE DETECTIVE
Let’s go get fingerprinted and photos and I want you to fill out a confession’s form.
INT. PHIL’S CAR-NIGHT
Phil calls Valery.
PHIL
Hello Valery?
VALERY
Who is this?
PHIL
It’s Phil Schmidt. I saw how beautiful you are the other day at the grocery store and I want to ask you out on a date.
VALERY
How’d you get my phone number?
PHIL
I knew your mother.
VALERY
How?
PHIL
From college. Would you consider a date with me, please?
VALERY
Can you send a picture?
Phil sends a picture.
VALERY
Okay I guess I could.
Phil smiled evilly. He knew he had her attention.
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Beth Zurkowski interest techniques
What I learned doing this is set ups are hard to do.
Logline: Dad and Jeffery spend some time at a spooky fair.
INT:MODEL T-DAY- 1920
Dad and Jeffery arrive at the Summer Fair.
DAD
Now Jeffery stay in the car I’ll be right back.
JEFFERY
Awe, but dad.
DAD
Do as you are told. I’ll get you a toy.
JEFFERY
Yay.
As Jeffery dances around, Dad gets out of the car and walks to the fair. Jeffery watches him out the window. He rolls down all the windows to get more air in the hot car. Fair music drifts into the car. A dapper man approaches the window.
CANDY MAN
I have a large candy cane here. Do you want it?
JEFFERY
Yes.
CANDY MAN
You have to follow me to the fair.
Then Jeffery sees other kids hanging around as well. The man starts walking to the fair and the kids follow him. Jeffery opens the car door and gets out and follows along.
EXT. FUNHOUSE-DAY
The kids are led into a fun house.
INT. TOY SHOPPE- DAY
Meanwhile Dad is looking at toys. He picks out a wooden train and buys it.
EXT. FAIR-DAY
He heads back to the car where he doesn’t find Jeffery. Dad throws a temper tantrum and distroys the train. He heads back to the fair to find Jeffery. He throws the train in a trash barrel near the entrance.
INT. FAIR-DAY
Candy man and kids are having a great time going through the fun house. Jeffery grabs a midget’s arm.
JEFFERY
When do we get the candy? I gotta meet my dad at the car. He said he’s getting me a toy.
MIDGET
Here’s your share.
He hands Jeffery a small candy cane to suck on. Jeffery smiles and chews it up and swallows. He has a change of heart.
JEFFERY
I’m going back in the fun house. Yay.
EXT.FAIR -DAY
Dad can’t get in. There seems to be an invisable barricade in the way. He pounds on it.
DAD
Let me in.
INT. FAIR-NIGHT
The kids and Jeffery continue to go through the fun house.
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<title></title><style type=”text/css”>
</style>Beth Zurkowski reveals
Lesson 21 reveals that pique curiosity
What I learned doing this assignment
was I need to work on more scripts.Select a situation from your script and write it using the Reveal
Model.Select a scene that NEEDS a cool
reveal and give us the logline of the scene. Nata and Darsh are in
love but Nata is promised to another.Ask questions to lead to a list of
possible reveals.What do I want to hide from the
reader for dramatic effect? Who is the promised one.What are the characters hiding
from each other? Darsh has a plan.What is already known that would
be more dramatic if hidden, then revealed? The age of the promised
one.What would be the best/worst/most
dramatic thing that could be revealed at this point? There’s a plan
to elope.Knowing this story, what could be
under the surface
that would create more drama for my
characters?Are there any deeper meanings to
the things my character are saying and doing? The father doesn’t
trust his accountant so he stands nearby as the payroll is doled
out.List the structure of the scene
through the three steps of the Reveal Model. Demand: Cover-up:
Reveal:Cover up: Nata is promised to another
and she knows nothing about him. Darsh has a plan.Demand: There’s an urgency to persuade
Darsh to do his plan.Reveal: Nata’s father is paying and
planning for a wedding for Nata and Old man Vishnu.Write the scene.
EXT. BARN-DAY
Year 1910 La Crosse, Wisconsin USA
NAYA (16) meets with boyfriend DARSH (18). The two love birds make sure no one is around as they excitedly enter the barn. Horse buggy without horse is parked inside next to a model T car. Horses are also inside the stalls.
INT. BARN-DAY
Naya and Darsh can’t stop touching each other. They undress and have sex. Afterwards they rest in the hay.
NAYA
Darsh, I’m pretty sure I’m with child.
DARSH
Naya, that’s wonderful news.
NAYA
Not if I’m already promised to another.If my father finds out I’m pregnant–
Naya begins to tremble. Darsh puts his index finger on her lips.
DARSH
Shhhh. I have a plan for that.
NAYA
Tell me, Darsh. I need to know.
DARSH
I’ll tell you later. Just act like you will marry this promised one and I’ll prepare for the plan.
Just then the grounds keeper opens the door and enters. He puts a shovel against the wall. He hears whispering and he finds Naya and Darsh laying in the hay.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
What are you two doing in here?
Darsh and Naya stand up grabbing their clothes which they hold against their nudity.
DARSH
Bob, please don’t tell Naya’s father or family that we were in here.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
Naw, you don’t have to worry. My mouth is sealed.
INT. OFFICE- FRIDAY AFTERNOON
Naya’s father is with the accountant. He’s watching as she hands out cash. Groundskeeper Bob is handed six dollars.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
Good afternoon Mr. Master and Anna. How are you today?
Anna nods.
ANNA
Good.
MR. MASTER
I’m doing good. How are you?
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
I’m doing fine, sir. I saw your daughter, Naya, and boyfriend the other day. They sure–
MR. MASTER
–My Naya doesn’t have a boyfriend! Besides she’s already promished to someone.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
I understand sir.
MR. MASTER
Are the grounds ready for Nata’s wedding?
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
Yes, sir.
MR. MASTER
Terrific. Thanks for taking care of the holes dug by the labordors.
Groundskeeper Bob salutes him and turns to go.
INT- MANSION- OFFICE –AFTERNOON
Mr. Master waits to have a word with Naya.
MR. MASTER
Nata come into my office please.
NAYA
Yes, father?
MR. MASTER
I understand you have a boyfriend?
NAYA
Yes, and I love him.
MR. MASTER
Well, I forbid you see him anymore. You will be marrying my friend who has more money than your boyfriend will see in his life time.
NAYA
But I love Darsh. He means everything to me. And he’s going to college for a degree in engineering.
MR. MASTER
Mr. Vishnu Das is a millionare. He’s a business man and continues to grow his wealth. You are very lucky he would even consider you being so ugly and worthless.
NAYA
I’m practical. Money doesn’t matter to me.
MR. MASTER
How’s he paying for college?
NAYA
He has a job in a book store.
MR. MASTER
Which pays peanuts.
NAYA
As long as I live here. He’s free to go to college.
MR. MASTER
If you marry Darsh did you say?
NAYA
Yes.
MR. MASTER
If you marry him you will wish you were never born.
NAYA
I don’t even know what your friend looks like.
MR. MASTER
Here’s a picture of him.
Naya’s father shows her.
NAYA
He’s so old.
MR. MASTER
Only 58.
Naya gasps.
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Lesson 20 Beth Zurkowski character relationships
What I learned doing this assignment
was my characters sucked but they are doing better now that I know
what traits to use.Compare the traits of your four main characters and elevate those
relationships.Select your top four characters
and list their name and four traits each.Nova
concealing
hotshot
fearless
caring
Takeesha
knowledgable
helpful
negative
competitive
Benny
opinionated
skeptic
selfish
nerd
Max Kim
attention driven
protective
skeptic
charismatic
Put the characters up against each
other in pairs as I’ve done with Jack above.Nova’s caring pairs up with Takeesha’s
helpful great rapport.Nova’s hotshot pairs up with Takeesha’s
negativity for conflictNova’s fearless pairs up with
Takeesha’s competitive for competition.Nova’s concealing trait pairs up with
Takeesha’s knowledge for contrast.Subtext: Nova and Takeesha are best
friends with trouble spots.Benny’s skeptic and Max’s skeptic pairs
up for great rapport.Benny’s selfish and Max Kim;s attention
driven pairs up for conflict.Benny’s opinionated and Max Kim;s
charismatic pair up for contrast.Benny’s nerd pairs up with Max Kims
imagination for competition.Subtext: Benny and Max Kim are great
buds.Nova’s hotshot pairs up with Max Kim’s
attention driven for great rapportNova’s Hotshot pairs up with Benny’s
opinionated for great conflict.Nova’s fearless pairs up with Max Kim’s
attention driven for great contrast.Takeesha’s knowledge pairs up with
Benny’s nerd for great repport.Nova’s concealing pairs up with Benny’s
selfish for conflict.Takeesha’s negative and Benny’s
opinionated pair up for conflict<title></title><style type=”text/css”>
</style> -
<div>
Lesson 19 QE cycle #4
Logline: two high school cheerleaders can’t keep a secret.
Essence: Cheer leading is more important than doing the right thing.
trait changed: Maxine’s trait of being snobbish to competitive
</div><div>
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM-NIGHT
</div>
Cheerleaders Renee and Maxine are the only ones in the locker room. They are getting dressed to go home. Renee is wearing jeans and a Polo shirt with Crocs. Maxine is getting dolled up in nice clothes.
MAXINE
Renee, can you keep a secret?
RENEE
Of course Maxine.
MAXINE
Okay, well, I was raped by Ralph and now I’m preggers.
RENEE
Ralph Mcquire? Oh no are you okay? How did it happen?
MAXINE
I’m okay I guess. Ralf can be so mean sometimes. It was just a date and it happened behind the bleachers. Renee you just have to keep it a secret.
RENEE
You can trust me. Are you gonna quit cheerleading?
MAXINE
No.
RENEE
I think it would be best for the baby if you quit.
MAXINE
But that would probably give away my secret. Besides I’m having too much fun.
RENEE
Are you keeping it?
MAXINE
I don’t know.
RENEE
You better not get an abortion.
MAXINE
Why not?
RENEE
Life begins at conception,ya Know. I wouldn’t want to call my Bestie a murderer.
MAXINE
I’m too young Renee. And If I get heavier I can’t be on top of the pyramid anymore.
RENEE
(Under her breath)
Maybe I’ll have a chance after all.
MAXINE
What did you say?
REnee grabbed her phone and started texting.
RENEE
Nothing. Just remembering some homework.
MAXINE
Oh my god what are you doing on your phone?
RENEE
Chill out. I was just texting.
MAXINE
What about? Let me see.
RENEE
No.
MAXINE
(gasps)
You told loud mouth Ruth. It’ll be all over for me.
RENEE
Suits me fine, bitch.
MAXINE
(under her breath)
Fine, I know just what to do.
Maxine smiles evilly.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Beth Zurkowski.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by
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Lesson 17 QE cycle #4
Logline: two high school cheerleaders can’t keep a secret.
Essence: Cheer leading is more important than doing the right thing.
trait changed: Maxine’s trait of being snobbish to competitive
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM-NIGHT
Cheerleaders Renee and Maxine are the only ones in the locker room. They are getting dressed to go home. Renee is wearing jeans and a Polo shirt with Crocs. Maxine is getting dolled up in nice clothes.
MAXINE
Renee, can you keep a secret?
RENEE
Of course Maxine.
MAXINE
Okay, well, I was raped by Ralph and now I’m preggers.
RENEE
Ralph Mcquire? Oh no are you okay? How did it happen?
MAXINE
I’m okay I guess. Ralf can be so mean sometimes. It was just a date and it happened behind the bleachers. Renee you just have to keep it a secret.
RENEE
You can trust me. Are you gonna quit cheerleading?
MAXINE
No.
RENEE
I think it would be best for the baby if you quit.
MAXINE
But that would probably give away my secret. Besides I’m having too much fun.
RENEE
Are you keeping it?
MAXINE
I don’t know.
RENEE
You better not get an abortion.
MAXINE
Why not?
RENEE
Life begins at conception,ya Know. I wouldn’t want to call my Bestie a murderer.
MAXINE
I’m too young Renee. And If I get heavier I can’t be on top of the pyramid anymore.
RENEE
(Under her breath)
Maybe I’ll have a chance after all.
MAXINE
What did you say?
REnee grabbed her phone and started texting.
RENEE
Nothing. Just remembering some homework.
MAXINE
Oh my god what are you doing on your phone?
RENEE
Chill out. I was just texting.
MAXINE
What about? Let me see.
RENEE
No.
MAXINE
(gasps)
You told loud mouth Ruth. It’ll be all over for me.
RENEE
Suits me fine, bitch.
MAXINE
I’ll get you for this. I’m taking you down with me.
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INT. NANCY’S APT. -DAY
Dressed in black leather, Nancy is sitting in a chair at the desk cleaning her Baretta. When a beautiful drag queen walks out of her bedroom and closes the door. Nancy walks over to her and gives her a wad of cash. He stares at her and then the cash.
NANCY
Look, that’s all you’re gonna get. Because I’m now broke.
The drag queen leaves the apartment.
Then Nancy goes back to the table and finishes up with the gun when she gets a call on her cell phone. She puts her gun down and snubs out her cigarette and takes a drink of a burban before she picks up her phone.
NANCY
Croger here.
PETER
Nancy, come into the agency. I have a job for you.
NANCY
Whom am I to go after this time?
PETER
Do you remember Robert Rodregis?
NANCY
Yeah, that’s the cunt who raped me in high school. He was such a druggie.
PETER
Well the cops want him for lacing drugs with Fentanyal.
NANCY
He’s mine. I want to take him in alone.
PETER
Be sensible Nancy, you are going to need help.
NANCY
Peter how soon will you be handing out awards for the best bounty hunters?
PETER
Tonight is the night.
NANCY
Well, I’m gonna win for sure, just you watch.
Nancy hangs up.
INT. AGENCY- DAY
Peter calls a different number. A scruffy looking man like a biker picks up the cell phone.
SQUIRE
Lindal here.
PETER
Squire, I need you to come in. I have a job for you. You’re working with Croger.
SQUIRE
(happy)
Cool.
They hang up. An hour later Nancy and Squire enter the agency. Both are in leathers and carry guns.
PETER
There you are. You two are working together in picking up the head of the Aryan syndicate Robert Rodregis. Here is his file.
Nancy grabs the file with a flurish.
NANCY
Come on Peter. I don’t trust Squire.
PETER
Don’t be so stubborn Nancy. You’re working with him whether or not you want to.
NANCY
No, I’m gonna do it alone.
NANCY
Fine.
To Sqiure
NANCY
What’s your phone number?
SQUIRE
That’s on a need to know, baby.
NANCY
We then will use my car but you’ll have to pay for gas.
SQUIRE
Okay, sweetcheeks.
Nancy rolls her eyes. The two bounty hunters leave the office and go to the parking lot.
EXT. NANCY’S MUSTANG-DAY
Nancy rushes to the driver side door. Squire pushes her away.
SQUIRE
I’ll drive, baby.
Nancy pushes him back.
NANCY
No, I’ll drive. It’s my car.
NANCY
(sarcastic)
Baby.
SQUIRE
I’ll let you drive your car home, punkin. But I gotta look the part.
NANCY
And what part is that?
Nancy looks up in the air and points. Squire looks up and Nancy punches him in the throat. He graps his neck and couches not able to breathe. She graps him by his hair and pulls him closer, holding a gun at his cheek.
NANCY
I could kill you right here and now, but I care about your sister and I understand you’ve been helping me take care of her.
SQUIRE
Uh huh.
Nancy lets him go and gets into the drivers seat.
NANCY
Get in.
Squire sighs and gets into the passengers seat and they drive off down the road.
-
Lesson 14 QE cycle #3
Logline: Nancy the bounty hunter has trouble with another jerk bounty hunter.
Essence: Nancy needs to relax.
INT. NANCY’S APT. -DAY
Dressed in leather, Nancy is sitting in a chair at the desk cleaning her Beretta and gets a call on her cell phone. She puts her gun down and snubs out her cigarette and takes a drink of a burban before she picks up her phone.
NANCY
Croger here.
PETER
Nancy, come into the agency. I have a job for you.
NANCY
Peter how soon will you be handing out awards for the bounty hunters?
PETER
Tonight is the night.
NANCY
Well, I’m gonna win for sure.
Nancy hangs up.
INT. AGENCY- DAY
Peter calls a different number. A scruffy looking man like a biker almost picks up the cell phone.
SQUIRE
Lindal here.
PETER
Squire, I need you to come in. I have a job for you. You’re working with Croger.
SQUIRE
(happy)
Cool.
They hang up. An hour later Nancy and Squire enter the agency. Both are in leathers and carry guns.
PETER
There you are. You two are working together in picking up the head of the syndicate Robert Rodregis.
NANCY
What? I don’t trust Squire.
PETER
Don’t be so stubborn Nancy. You’re working with him whether or not you want to.
NANCY
Fine, just this once.
To Sqiure
NANCY
What’s your phone number?
SQUIRE
That’s on a need to know, baby.
NANCY
We then will use my car but you’ll have to pay for gas.
SQUIRE
Okay, sweetcheeks.
Nancy rolls her eyes. The two bounty hunters leave the office and go to the parking lot.
EXT. NANCY’S MUSTANG-DAY
Nancy rushes to the driver side door. Squire pushes her away.
SQUIRE
I’ll drive, baby.
Nancy pushes him back.
NANCY
No, I’ll drive. It’s my car.
NANCY
(sarcastic)
Baby.
SQUIRE
I’ll let you drive your car home, punkin. But I gotta look the part.
NANCY
And what part is that?
Nancy looks up in the air and points. Squire looks up and Nancy punches him in the throat. He graps his neck and couches not able to breathe. She graps him by his hair and pulls him closer, holding a gun at his cheek.
NANCY
I could kill you right here and now, but I care about your sister and I understand you’ve been helping me take care of her.
SQUIRE
Uh huh.
Nancy lets him go and gets into the drivers seat.
NANCY
Get in.
Squire sighs and gets into the passengers seat and they drive off down the road.
-
Beth Zurkowski Max interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving
my writing isLogline: Four misfit kids fight ghosts
using science even though the Neanderthals use magic and try to stop
them, but they are unsuccessful.Essence: Ghosts harass the misfit kids
and anyone else using science.Interest techniques: hook,
predictions,mystery, cliffhanger.INT. -MIDDLE SCHOOL WEST WING HALLWAY- DAY
Entering the Bardsville school, NOVA 11 almost gets hit as the wind slams the door shut behind her. She grabs her stomach and looks around. A ghost is in front of her just vanishing from view.
NOVA
(groans)
Not those darn ghosts again. They may be someone’s ancestors, but they’ve GOT to go!
Bell rings and startles her. Nova hustles to English class.
INT.- AUDITORIUM- AFTERNOON
Nova meets up with her classmates: TAKEESA 11, MAX KIM 10 and BENNY 11. The old vending machines rattle horribly when she walks past. Then walks to the rickety table where her friends are and sets down her brown lunch bag.
NOVA
Hey guys, I think I saw a ghost out in the hallway this morning. I don’t know about you guys, but I want them gone. Thing is, I’m not sure I can fight them alone.
TAKEESKA
Something happened with a pirate ghost this morning.
Max Kim looks scared as he gulps his chocolate milk.
NOVA
What? What happened?
TAKEESHA
Dayton was carrying a science book when he was attacked by the ghost. Remember ghosts don’t like science.
NOVA
Is he okay?
Takeesha stuffs her sandwich into her mouth. She gestures “give me a minute” A chair drops. Everyone jumps. Nova looks around the room.
BENNY
He went to the hospital screaming.
Takeesha lays on the table in front of Benny.
TAKEESHA
Nova’s my friend. I should tell her. You know what I mean?
NOVA
That’s probably the same ghost I saw. Benny, you actually believe you saw something?
BENNY
Yes, but it could most likely be explained. Paranormal stuff needs proof. And there’s such a thing as mob mentality.
TAKEESHA
Aw, come on Benny. You know ghosts exist now.
BENNY
I don’t want to discuss it.
Takeesha climbs off the table. Benny pops the last of his sandwich into his mouth.
INT. HALLWAY NEAR LOCKERS-AFTERNOON
Takeesha and Nova are getting books out of lockers.
TAKEESHA
I still want to do the seance in the library.
NOVA
Even after seeing the pirate ghost?
TAKEESHA
I can handle myself. I’m a shaman.
Takeesha holds up her African medallion necklace.
NOVA
Well, I want to try out my psychic powers too.
TAKEESHA
So, let’s do it. Maybe we can tell the ghosts to stop. They haven’t hurt anyone. You know what I mean?
Meet me at the school library at about five after two.
The bell rings.
INT. STUDYHALL-AFTERNOON
Nova takes the library pass and heads out. Squeaks from her holey old sneakers echo off the brick walls of the hallway. she notices a red banner stretched across the corridor. Bardsville Banicoots Bite Back 2046. Another sign put up reminds everyone about the visit by the Great NOCTURNAL NED 28 on Friday in the auditorium. The psychic has red hair done up in a pompadour style. The picture is created to look mysterious and a little spooky, representing Ned’s supernatural power. Nova carries five heavy paranormal school library books with no problem. BRENDA(bully) 13 is in the principal’s office to Nova’s left. Nova hurries. The office door begins to open. Brenda is coming out. Takeesha waits near the library entrance. She carries a few books and an Ouija board with planchette.
NOVA
Let’s go inside. Hurry I just saw my bully.
Nova skids on the waxed floor and grabs the door handle.
INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY–AFTERNOON
They enter. Listening at the door. Footsteps fade away.
NOVA
What a relief.
Nova looks around the book-stuffed room. They have the entire place to themselves along with MRS. MUNROE 56, the librarian. The girls return their library books into the drop off box. Nova gets a book she was hiding.
NOVA
I can’t wait to see the foal today. Hopefully it will be white like it’s father.
TAKEESHA
Oh I know.
NOVA
Takeesha, here’s a book you’d like. I put it in the science section so no one would check it out. You get first dibs.
TAKEESHA
‘Sewing for Money? Say, I like the looks of this! Thank you.
Takeesha hugs the book.
NOVA
Where’s that pattered outfit from the African Heritage days?
TAKEESHA
Oh, girl, I’m just waiting for the right time, you know what I mean?
Suddenly, Nova jumps in excitement.
NOVA
Quick, let’s do the seance.
They grab a corner table near the windows. From her hip pack, Nova brings out a handful of strong smelling sage, eucalyptus, and wormwood. Takeesha wrinkles her nose and smiles.
NOVA
These smells will get us in the spiritual mood.
TAKEESHA
Let’s close the curtains.
Nova and Takeesha race to close the curtains and darken the corner. They skip back to the table. Takeesha brings out, from her pack, three battery powered tea lights and turns them on. Their faces pulse in the lights as Nova crushes the herbs together with her fingers. Takeesha places the Ouija board in front of them on the table and they put their hands on the planchette. Again, Nova glances at the rain against the window to her right missing a dark shade. The rain sluices down cascading over the ledge in the center creating a sheet of water. Nova sees a man RALF 44 with cropped white hair, white beard, and mustache moving his hands as he rotates them over a basin. Unruly colorful fractals in 3-D rise up from his hands.
NOVA
Holy chaos.
Nova blinks her eyes and he is gone. In the library, the planchette moves over the letters on the Ouija board, even without questions being posed. It spells out N.O.V.A. Suddenly, the planchette begins to speed all over the board. The girls couldn’t keep up with it.
NOVA
Something just grabbed my hand and I can’t lift my other hand. Takeesha, I need your help.
TAKEESHA
I can’t move my left hand either.
Takeesha bites her lower lip as she struggles to pull away from the planchette. She yells at the board.
TAKEESHA
What do you want from us?
Then the mysterious presence abruptly releases Nova from the planchette and forces her from her chair. Nova is pulled and pushed to an aisle of books. Finally loose, Takeesha runs after her.
NOVA
Takeesha help me. It’s hurting my wrist. Holy chaos! What did I get myself into?
Nova’s hand searches the book shelves-as if it could read by itself. Finally, it reaches out for a chewed up tome. The book is like a vacuum. Attached to the book Nova removes it from the dirty shelf. Takeesha catches up to her.
TAKEESHA
What’s happening?
NOVA
I don’t want this stupid book.
Nova is going to fling it down but her hand clings to it.
TAKEESHA
Hang on. We wanted the ghosts to talk to us. Maybe they are. What is that book?
Nova begins to calm down a little, mostly because she is regaining the use of her hand. She looks at the title.
NOVA
“The Legends of Gods around the World.”
When Nova tries to open it, she can’t. The pages are stuck together. Nova catches her breath and shrugs.
NOVA
But what does it mean?
Suddenly, Nova dances in a circle then races across the room. She almost ran over Takeesha.
NOVA
Fricken! Something’s got a hold of my arm again.
Nova disappears down another dark aisle. Takeesha runs after her.
MRS. MUNROE
There is no running in this here library, young ladies.
Beat
That is what I want and that is what I shall have.
With glassy eyes, Mrs. Munroe put her finger in the air. She turns to go into the back room. Meanwhile Nova is searching for another volume. She scans the titles. Her hand came to another book.
NOVA
Oh of course, Neanderthals.
The book, all chewed–up and dusty, came off the shelf and hovers in front of her face. Without the help of her hand this time.
TAKEESHA
Holy chaos!
NOVA
Why not? Go ahead and give it to me.
The book lay down on the pile in her arms. Then the herculean force that pulled her around the library suddenly let her go. Nova groans and drops to the floor like a rag doll. The book about Neanderthals flops open to page 236 in her lap.
NOVA
What happened to me? Was that a ghost?
Takeesha shrugs. Nova looks at the book in her lap of the artist’s rendition of the cave man and women. Nova rubs her cheek bones and brow ridge. No wonder they look familiar.
NOVA
Do you think I look like a Neanderthal?
TAKEESHA
Let me see.
Takeesha grabbed the book and looked closer at the pictures then gazed at Nova.
TAKEESHA
I don’t know, maybe. What would you do if I said yes?
NOVA
I guess I might be sad… and maybe I might be relieved because that would explain a lot about…
TAKEESHA
Oh what do you think happened to us?
NOVA
I don’t know about you, Takeesha, but I’m calling that encounter a visit by a ghost.
School bell rings out.
MRS. MUNROE
Are you two ready to check out? That was the final bell.
Nova closes the book, gets up with her load, and picks up their things at the table.
NOVA
Hmm. Mrs. Munroe didn’t say anything about the ghost.
They start to shuffle to the counter.
TAKEESHA
Do you think it will bother her?
NOVA
Her library is now haunted.
TAKEESHA
Well, it is our own fault, you know.
Then Mrs. Munroe stops what she is doing, blinks rapidly, yawns, and seems to notice the young women. She pushes round glasses up her nose. Nova puts her books down on the counter creating a dust cloud. As they stand at the checkout, Takeesha turns to Nova.
TAKEESHA
I was thinking—
NOVA
You can do that?
MRS. MUNROE
Oh, that’s not very nice, Nova.
NOVA
Sorry.
Takeesha grabs Nova by the arm.
TAKEESHA
You have got to stop with that joke. It was only funny the first time. You know what I mean?
NOVA
Oh, all right, I guess.
MRS. MUNROE
And you’ve also got to stop running in the library.
NOVA
But I was pulled all over the library by a ghost. It took me to these books. Do they mean anything to you? And one of your books is glued together.
MRS. MUNROE
Oh really? There’s still no running in the library.
NOVA
But my hand was grabbed by a ghost and I couldn’t get away from it.
MRS. MUNROE
Maybe I should tell the school principal, hmmm?
NOVA
Do you believe in ghosts?
MRS. MUNROE
Doesn’t everybody? However, ghosts can’t pull you around. They have no substance to grab with.
Nova looks at Takeesha who shrugs. Nova gazes upon the librarian.
NOVA
What do you think of these books?
MRS. MUNROE
They don’t seem to have any significance.
Mrs. Munroe picks up the stuck together book and examines it.
MRS. MUNROE
It looks a little water-damaged, but it’s okey dokey. Do you still want it?
Mrs. Munroe opens it to a page of a flying horse.
NOVA
Oh, definitely.
Nova and Takeesha hand over their hall passes and the temporary libary cards to Mrs. Munroe. She smiles pleasantly as she checks out Takeesha’s books. Mrs. Munroe flips through a drawer of 3×5-inch cards
MRS. MUNROE
Nova Nowak, you have a ten dollar fine for a late book.
NOVA
Oh, okay…
Nova swallows, digs in her pockets and pays for it.
TAKEESHA
Say, when did the library lose the beat up old computer this place used to have?
MRS. MUNROE
Last week, it died and we couldn’t find anyone who could repair it. So we recycled it and then couldn’t find anyone to sell us a used or new one. Fortunately, I’d been moving to cards for some time. Never really trusted or kept current with the thing.
NOVA
Wow, I thought technology was a good thing.
MRS. MUNROE
If it wasn’t for President Hayden Radford and Reverend Corbin Heller, we couldn’t go back to the basics of life. Computers and other technology are bad for the United States.
NOVA
That’s not true. I want to live in the past. Just think of all the electronic toys–
MRS. MUNROE
Technology was getting too advanced. Some people were getting so technically illiterate they couldn’t figure out how to work the different gadgets. It was time for a change.
MS. CHILLDRESS 45 clears her throat. She hesitates at the door, then strolls toward the librarian, slamming some books on the counter.
MS. CHILDRESS
Carol, that attitude is precisely why we are not able to compete in the world and make scientific discoveries.
MRS. MUNROE
Noreen, Have you ever noticed that scientists make so many mistakes with their data? It’s no wonder no one trusts their discoveries.
Mrs. Munroe takes the books and put them in an old dented metal cart.
MRS. MUNROE
The old folk cure and remedies have stood the test of time and still work.
MS. CHILDRESS
Don’t be ridiculous. We need to change to fit the times. When our knowledge grows, the infomation changes and we advance out of primitive times.
MRS. MUNROE
I’ll accept primitive times because it must be a divine plan. Things happen for a reason.
MS. CHILDRESS
(rolled her eyes)
Nova and Takeesha, how are you?
NOVA
Hi, Ms. Childress. We… communicated with a ghost in this library.
MS. CHILDRESS
Did it bother you? Were you doing anything with science?
TAKEESHA
No, we just wanted to talk to it.
MS. CHILDRESS
Well, I’m glad you’re not hurt. I don’t think you know what you are dealing with. Dayton died before he made it to the hospital. Please be careful!
Ms. Childress tromps out the door.
MRS. MUNROE
Poor family. Dayton had a heart condition on top of it.
NOVA
(Whispering in Takeesha’s ear)
The ghost didn’t kill him.
Nova picked at a library book corner. Then yanked her hand away.
NOVA
Mrs. Munroe, why did they get rid of Ms. Chilldress’ science classes?
MRS. MUNROE
English is more important.
NOVA
(disgusted)
Come on, Takeesha, lets go.
Nova hugs her books and starts for the door.
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY–AFTERNOON
The two friends head out of the library into the din of loud talking, slamming locker doors and shuffling of feet.
TAKEESHA
What do you think the ghost was trying to tell us?
NOVA
I don’t know. At my house, we can use the Ouija board again. Hopefully, it will open more book pages.
TAKEESHA
And while there, we can see if Chocolate had her foal yet, ya know.
They sprint down the hallway full of kids to get their books and homework. Takeesha’s locker was on top and three over from Nova’s on the bottom. Nova stands near Takeesha’s locker to wait while another student finishes getting her stuff. A decorative strip of wood spans the school hallways. Takeesha knocks on it for good luck.
TAKEESHA
This is to make sure the foal is a filly.
Nova looks at pictures of horses of every size, color, and shape taped to the inside of Takeesha’s locker door,
TAKEESHA
Nova, I changed my mind, I want to go home.
NOVA
But Takeesha…
The halls became much quieter. Nova sees only two kids getting their stuff.
NOVA
Fine, I’ll go without you.
TAKEESHA
When she finally has her foal, please call and let me know if it’s a colt or filly.
Takeesha puts her raincoat over her bookbag. She leaves the building grabbing her bike from the rack and rides away in the heavy rain.
NOVA
(alone)
Man, I think I saw lightning.
Nova got on her hands and knees and digs around in her locker.
NOVA
Ugh, why does everything get buried in here?
Deep in thought, Nova didn’t notice the two shadows blocking the florescent lights until it was too late. Brenda and AMANDA 14.
BRENDA
Hey! Stand up you ugly freak.
Nova stands, using her books as a shield. She inhales and holds it squeezing her eyes shut. Brenda is grinding her fist into her palm.
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</style> -
Beth Zurkowski Challenging Situations
What I’ve learned that is improving
my writing is I need to add more challenges to scenes.Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: NOVA (11) is waiting for her friends to arrive and they bring a magic trick.B. Essence: It's a scary time for Nova.C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges: Nova trips on her cat, the power is not working, and the computer has a virus.D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. Nova comes down the stairs and trips on her cat almost falling on her face. She is excited her new friends are coming over. She goes to get breakfast and Nova gets on the computer but finds there is a virus. It looks creepy outside as Nova waits for her friends. They soon arrive using a magic trick to spook Nova and to knock on the door in front of the house by now they are over by the kitchen. Nova lets them in and they get ready for a picnic in the horse pasture in the woods to discuss ghosts and how to get rid of them.Scene 2:
A. Current Scene Logline: NOVA (11) and her friends get ready to go in the back pasture for a picnic.B. Essence: Determined to have fun and figure out how to defeat the ghosts.C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges: big swarm of gnats surround kids, ticks crawl all over them, when they take a dip in the creek the blood suckers get on them.D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. Nova and her friends go out to the horse pasture and sit around an old campfire pit. They get a swarm of gnats around them and ticks crawl up them.when they take a dip in the creek the blood suckers get on them. They walk with water squishy shoes as they dry out. Max Kim does a magic trick of pulling stuff through a mirror and Nova sees a conflict going on in the mirror in another dimension. Then Nova reads the lips of the bad Neanderthal and he says he coming to get her. Ghosts attack them and in a stampeded of horse they barely make it back to the farmhouse. Benny tries to see if his autogyro can run as fast as a horse when a horse kicks it and it's totaled.<title></title><style type=”text/css”>
</style>-
This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by Beth Zurkowski.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by
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Beth Zurkowski Full out characters
I’m using the script The Shade Riders and the Dreadful Ghosts. It’s a horror/ fantasy.
What I learned is I write very good characters.
Benny (11) (before)
traits: Negative, Problem solver, Aggressive, Nerd
Benny (after)
traits: sense of humor, positive, shy, athlete
Subtext: Benny loves life and the way things are going. He would love a girl friend but he’s too shy.
Nova (11) (Before)
traits: Playful, Adventurous, experimental, humor
Nova (after)
traits: Confident , optimistic, loyalty, modest
Subtext: Nova is confident she can be the best leader for The Shade Riders.
Takeesha (11) (before)
traits: scared of heights, confident, Intelligent, adventurous
Takeesha (after)
traits: Clingy, shy, average, enthusiastic
Subtext: Takeesha is always hanging around with
Nova -
LOGLINE: JOHN’S MISSION IS A FAILURE
ESSENCE: JOHN AND NICK GET INTO A CAT AND MOUSE TIFF.
AUGUST 20, 1776 AMERICAN REVOLUTION
EXT, HAUL OF EMPIRE BRITISH SHIP –NIGHT
John climbs up the anchor. He carries a waterproof bag on his back.He gets aboard and finds a cleaners closet where he puts on the red uniform over white with black boots. John tries to get down below decks to start a leak. But he is caught by the English and taken in front of Nick who struts like a Bantum Rooster.
INT. NICK’S CABIN-NIGHT
John is searched for weapons and then tied to a chair.
NICK
Who are you? Are you alone or with someone else?
JOHN
I’m Stevens, John Stevens. I work
alone.
NICK
Who do you work for?
JOHN
Why should I tell you?
NICK
We will win this war. You will see. The crown always wins. That America, as you call it, will be ours. I give you that.
That is all John sees of Nick. A black bag is put over his head.
NICK
Guard, make sure he stays awake.
AUGUST 21,1776-NIGHT
Nick slaps John awake.
NICK
And don’t even think about sleep until you give up the where abouts of George Washington and his personal army.
JOHN
What day is it?
NICK
(lying)
3 days have already passed.
JOHN
Give me information about where this British army is headed.
Nick is silent and leaves the room.
AUGUST 22,1776 -NIGHT
Nick enters the room again.
NICK
Do you have a wife and kids, John?
JOHN
You leave them out of this.
NICK
Well, look who we have here.
WOMAN
John, are you alright?
JOHN
Becky, is that you?
WOMAN
I… I–
NICK
That’s enough out of you wench.
We hear a loud slap.
WOMAN
Ohhhh.
JOHN
You leave her alone.
John tries to rise. His ropes are frayed enough that he breaks free and yanks off his mask.
JOHN
You’re not my wife. What kind of game are you playing Nick?
John takes a few punches at Nick before Nick punches back. They fight around his woman until Nick is on the floor bleeding and unconscious. John takes the woman and they flee to try to sink the boat but John sees they are at a port where he and the woman get off.
-
LOGLINE: JOHN’S MISSION IS A FAILURE
ESSENCE: JOHN AND NICK GET INTO A CAT AND MOUSE TIFF.
AUGUST 20, 1776 AMERICAN REVOLUTION
EXT, HAUL OF EMPIRE BRITISH SHIP –NIGHT
John climbs up the anchor. He carries a waterproof bag on his back.He gets aboard and finds a cleaners closet where he puts on the red uniform over white with black boots. John tries to get down below decks to start a leak. But he is caught by the English and taken in front of Nick who struts like a Bantum Rooster.
INT. NICK’S CABIN-NIGHT
John is searched for weapons and then tied to a chair.
NICK
Who are you? Are you alone or with someone else?
JOHN
I’m Stevens, John Stevens. I work
alone.
NICK
Who do you work for?
JOHN
Why should I tell you?
NICK
We will win this war. You will see. The crown always wins. That America, as you call it, will be ours. I give you that.
That is all John sees of Nick. A black bag is put over his head.
NICK
Guard, make sure he stays awake.
AUGUST 21,1776-NIGHT
Nick slaps John awake.
NICK
And don’t even think about sleep until you give up the where abouts of George Washington and his personal army.
JOHN
What day is it?
NICK
(lying)
3 days have already passed.
JOHN
Give me information about where this British army is headed.
Nick is silent and leaves the room.
AUGUST 22,1776 -NIGHT
Nick enters the room again.
NICK
Do you have a wife and kids, John?
JOHN
You leave them out of this.
NICK
Well, look who we have here.
WOMAN
John, are you alright?
JOHN
Becky, is that you?
WOMAN
I… I–
NICK
That’s enough out of you wench.
We hear a loud slap.
WOMAN
Ohhhh.
JOHN
You leave her alone.
John tries to rise. His ropes are frayed enough that he breaks free and yanks off his mask.
JOHN
You’re not my wife. What kind of game are you playing Nick?
John takes a few punches at Nick before Nick punches back. They fight around his woman until Nick is on the floor bleeding and unconscious. John takes the woman and they flee to try to sink the boat but John sees they are at a port where he and the woman get off.
-
Logline: John is an American spy during the American revolution. He wants to sink a British ship.
Essence: Nick uses mind games on John because he’s sleep deprived.
AUGUST 20, 1776 AMERICAN REVOLUTION
EXT, HAUL OF EMPIRE BRITISH SHIP –NIGHT
John climbs up the anchor. He carries a waterproof bag on his back.He gets aboard and finds a cleaners closet where he puts on the red uniform over white with black boots. John tries to get down below decks to start a leak. But he is caught by the English and taken in front of Nick who struts like a Bantum Rooster.
INT. NICK’S CABIN-NIGHT
John is searched for weapons and then tied to a chair.
NICK
Who are you? Are you alone or with someone else?
JOHN
I’m Stevens, John Stevens. I work
alone.
NICK
Who do you work for?
JOHN
George Washington.
NICK
We will win this war. You will see. The crown always wins. That America, as you call it, will be ours. I give you that.
That is all John sees of Nick. A black bag is put over his head.
NICK
Guard, make sure he stays awake.
AUGUST 21,1776-NIGHT
Nick slaps John awake.
NICK
And don’t even think about sleep until you give up the where abouts of George Washington and his personal army.
JOHN
What day is it?
NICK
(lying)
3 days have already passed.
JOHN
Give me information about where this British army is headed.
Nick is silent and leaves the room.
AUGUST 22,1776 -NIGHT
Nick enters the room again.
NICK
Do you have a wife and kids, John?
JOHN
You leave them out of this.
NICK
Well, look who we have here.
WOMAN
John, are you alright?
JOHN
Becky, is that you?
WOMAN
I… I–
NICK
That’s enough out of you wench.
We hear a loud slap.
WOMAN
Ohhhh.
JOHN
You leave her alone.
John tries to rise. His ropes are frayed enough that he breaks free and yanks off his mask.
JOHN
You’re not my wife. What kind of game are you playing Nick?
John takes a few punches at Nick before Nick punches back.
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INT. AUCTION HOUSE AFTERNOON TUESDAY
Fleamarket vendors gather to bid on product at wholesale prices. ROBERT 65 has arrived wearing western wear. His cousin TRENT 45 arrives, as well and wears a suit and tie while everyone else wears jeans and a t-shirt. They have separate boothes so they buy independent from each other. They inspect the product. It’s Robert’s birthday and a cake is brought in to celebrate. Robert talks to the auctioneer.
ROBERT
…Alice is a con artist. You shouldn’t even be selling to her.
AUCTIONEER
Really?
ROBERT
Yep, and so is Mark.
AUCTIONEER
Well, you would know.
Auctioneer whispers in his clerks ear.
AUCTIONEER
(whispering loudly)
Don’t sell to Alice or Mark.
Alice and Mark overhear the comments.
ALICE
What? Why can’t you sell to us?
Their eyes shoot daggers at Robert.
ROBERT
Because you’re as bad as Dr. Oz and Oprah.
MARK
What are you talking about?
ALICE
We like to help people lose weight. Unlike you who brought in donuts and a birthday cake today.
MARK
Can’t you please sell to us? Robert just made up the rumor that we are con artists. We are entrepreneurs that’s all.
AUCTIONEER
Sorry, but I’m not selling to you. Good day.
Robert sat with a smile on his face as Alice and Mark left the room.
AUCTIONEER
(to the crowd)
Okay, lets get started.
Trent and Robert take their seats on the metal chairs. We see items being held up to bid on.
Suddenly, Alice and Mark bring the cake and donuts out and laugh as they throw handsful at Robert. He is covered in frosting. He hides in the bathroom to clean up. Alice and Mark go into the kitchen and wash up as well. Then Alice and Mark leave the building chuckling. The bidding is stalled as people clean up the mess. A few minutes later the bidding continues again.
Trent
John, go get me lunch please. I’ll pay you back.
JOHN
No. You never paid me back the last time.
TRENT
You want this relationship to work out? Then do it.
JOHN
I well I–
TRENT
–Fine, I’ll do it. But You’ll regret it.
JOHN
No, I’ll do it.
TRENT
Too late. I’m going.
They both start going to the kitchen then Trent stops and goes back to his chair. John comes back without food.
TRENT
What the…? Where’s my food.
JOHN
There’s either a dead man in the kitchen or he’s sleeping.
Trent walks to the kitchen to see if this man is dead. He goes into the kitchen and approaches the man. He checks for a pulse but can’t find one. He goes to tell Robert.
TRENT
Peter is dead in the kitchen.
ROBERT
Did you call 911 or security?
TRENT
Not yet. You could look at him.
ROBERT
You know I’m retired. You really think I can investigate with my appearance? Fine alright I’ll help.
Trent let him get by. Robert approached the security officer.
ROBERT
Follow me.
Robert walks to the kitchen with security officer. He examines the body. He gets a faint pluse.
ROBERT
Peter who did this to you?
PETER
Trrrrreeeennnnttt.
Peter dies in front of Robert.
ROBERT
(turning to the crowd)
Okay, everyone this is a crime scene.
He turns to the security man.
ROBERT
No one is allowed to leave this building until the police have secured it. Now call the police.
The officer makes the official call. Robert approaches Trent who is sitting on a metal chair.
ROBERT
When did you find out about Peter’s death.
TRENT
As soon as John told me.
ROBERT
Well, he wasn’t dead when you found him. Because I spoke to him after that.
The color drained from Trent’s face. He bolts out of the room pulling merchandise down behind him. Robert chases after him into a back room. This room has a door to the outside and Trent is grabbing the door knob and pulling the door open. Robert grabs Trent’s arm and twists it behind his back. Trent came around and punches Robert in the face knocking his glasses off. Robert let go of Trent for a second. Then Trent kicks him in the knee, but Robert doesn’t really feel it, basically a miss. Robert hits Trent with a baseball bat in packaging over and over. Trent falls to the floor and Robert sits on him until police arrive to arrest him.
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Lynn, I really enjoyed this scene you have here.
-
Brenda, Looks good. I think you meant Trent emerged out of the bathroom.
-
third pass
INT. AUCTION HOUSE AFTERNOON TUESDAY
Fleamarket vendors gather to bid on product at wholesale prices. ROBERT 65 has arrived wearing western wear. His cousin TRENT 45 arrives, as well and just wears a suit and tie when everyone else wears jeans and a t-shirt. They have separate boothes so they buy independent from each other. They inspect the product. It’s Robert’s birthday and a cake is brought in to celebrate. Robert talks to the auctioneer.
ROBERT
…Alice is a con artist. You shouldn’t even be selling to her.
AUCTIONEER
Really?
ROBERT
Yep, and so is Mark.
AUCTIONEER
Well, you would know.
Auctioneer whispers in his clerks ear.
AUCTIONEER
(whispering loudly)
Don’t sell to Alice or Mark.
Alice and Mark overhear the comments.
ALICE
What? Why can’t you sell to us?
Their eyes shoot daggers at Robert.
ROBERT
Because you’re as bad as Dr. Oz and Oprah.
MARK
What are you talking about?
ALICE
We like to help people lose weight. Unlike you who brought in donuts and a birthday cake today.
MARK
Can’t you please sell to us? Robert just made up the rumor that we are con artists. We are entrepreneurs that’s all.
AUCTIONEER
Sorry, but I’m not selling to you. Good day.
Robert sat with a smile on his face as Alice and Mark left the room.
AUCTIONEER
(to the crowd)
Okay, lets get started.
Trent and Robert take their seats on the metal chairs. We see items being held up to bid on.
Suddenly, Alice and Mark bring the cake and donuts out and laugh as they throw handfuls at Robert. He is covered in frosting. He hides in the bathroom to clean up. Alice and Mark go into the kitchen and wash up as well. Then Alice and Mark leave the building chuckling. The bidding is stalled as people clean up the mess. A few minutes later the bidding continues again.
Trent
John, go get me lunch please. I’ll pay you back.
JOHN
No. You never paid me back the last time.
TRENT
You want this relationship to work out? Then do it.
JOHN
I well I–
TRENT
–Fine, I’ll do it. But You’ll regret it.
JOHN
No, I’ll do it.
TRENT
Too late. I’m going.
They both start going to the kitchen then Trent stops and goes back to his chair. John comes back without food.
TRENT
What the…? Where’s my food.
JOHN
There’s either a dead man in the kitchen or he’s sleeping.
Trent walks to the kitchen to see if this man is dead. He goes into the kitchen and approaches the man. He checks for a pulse but can’t find one. He goes to tell Robert.
TRENT
Peter is dead in the kitchen.
ROBERT
Did you call 911 or security?
TRENT
Not yet. You could look at him.
ROBERT
You know I’m retired. Fine alright I’ll help.
Trent let him get by. Robert approached the security officer.
ROBERT
Follow me.
Robert walks to the kitchen with security officer. He examines the body. He gets a faint pluse.
ROBERT
Peter who did this to you?
PETER
Trrrrreeeennnnttt.
Peter dies in front of Robert.
ROBERT
(turning to the crowd)
Okay, everyone this is a crime scene.
He turns to the security man.
ROBERT
No one is allowed to leave this building until the police have secured it. Now call the police.
The officer makes the official call. Robert approaches Trent who is sitting on a metal chair.
ROBERT
When did you find out about Peter’s death.
TRENT
As soon as John told me.
ROBERT
Well, he wasn’t dead when you found him. Because I spoke to him after that.
The color drained from Trent’s face. He bolted out of the room pulling merchandise down behind him. Robert chases after him into a back room. This room had a door to the outside and Trent was grabbing the door knob and pulling the door open. Robert grabs Trent’s arm and twists it behind his back. Trent came around and punches Robert in the face knocking his glasses off. Robert let go of Trent for a second. Then Trent kicks him in the knee, but Robert doesn’t really feel it, basically a miss. Robert hits Trent with a baseball bat in packaging over and over. Trent falls to the floor and Robert sits on him until police arrive to arrest him.
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Beth Zurkowski Second pass
INT. AUCTION HOUSE AFTERNOON TUESDAY
Fleamarket vendors gather to bid on product at wholesale prices. ROBERT 65 has arrived wearing western wear. His cousin TRENT 45 arrives, as well and just wears a suit and tie when everyone else wears jeans and a t-shirt. They have separate boothes so they buy independent from each other. They inspect the product. It’s Robert’s birthday and a cake is brought in to celebrate. Robert talks to the auctioneer.
ROBERT
…Alice is a con artist. You shouldn’t even be selling to her.
AUCTIONEER
Really?
ROBERT
Yep, and so is Mark.
AUCTIONEER
Well, you would know.
Auctioneer whispers in his clerks ear.
AUCTIONEER
(whispering loudly)
Don’t sell to Alice or Mark.
Alice and Mark overhear the comments.
ALICE
What? Why can’t you sell to us?
Their eyes shoot daggers at Robert.
ROBERT
Because you’re as bad as Dr. Oz and Oprah.
MARK
What are you talking about?
ALICE
We like to help people lose weight. Unlike you who brought in donuts and a birthday cake today.
MARK
Can’t you please sell to us? Robert just made up the rumor that we are con artists. We are entrepreneurs that’s all.
AUCTIONEER
Sorry, but I’m not selling to you. Good day.
Robert sat with a smile on his face as Alice and Mark left the building.
AUCTIONEER
(to the crowd)
Okay, lets get started.
Trent and Robert take their seats on the metal chairs. We see items being held up to bid on.
TRENT
John, go get me lunch please. I’ll pay you back.
JOHN
No. You never paid me back the last time.
TRENT
You want this relationship to work out? Then do it.
JOHN
I well I–
TRENT
–Fine, I’ll do it. But You’ll regret it.
JOHN
No, I’ll do it.
TRENT
Too late. I’m going.
They both start going to the kitchen then Trent stops and goes back to his chair. John comes back without food.
TRENT
What the…? Where’s my food.
JOHN
There’s either a dead man in the kitchen or he’s sleeping.
Trent walks to the kitchen to see if this man is dead. He goes into the kitchen and approaches the man. He checks for a pulse but can’t find one. He goes to tell Robert.
TRENT
Peter is dead in the kitchen.
ROBERT
Did you call 911 or security?
TRENT
Not yet. You could look at him.
ROBERT
You know I’m retired. Fine alright I’ll help.
Trent let him get by. Robert approached the security officer.
ROBERT
Follow me.
Robert walks to the kitchen with security officer. He examines the body. He gets a faint pluse.
ROBERT
Peter who did this to you?
PETER
Trrrrreeeennnnttt.
Peter dies in front of Robert.
ROBERT
(turning to the crowd)
Okay, everyone this is a crime scene.
He turns to the security man.
ROBERT
No one is allowed to leave this building until the police have secured it. Now call the police.
The officer makes the official call. Robert approaches Trent who is sitting on a metal chair.
ROBERT
When did you find out about Peter’s death.
TRENT
As soon as John told me.
ROBERT
Well, he wasn’t dead when you found him. Because I spoke to him after that.
The color drained from Trent’s face. He bolted out of the room pulling merchandise down behind him. Robert chases after him into a back room. This room had a door to the outside and Trent was grabbing the door knob and pulling the door open. Robert grabs Trent’s arm and twists it behind his back. Trent came around and punches Robert in the face knocking his glasses off. Robert let go of Trent for a second. Then Trent kicks him in the knee, but Robert doesn’t really feel it, basically a miss. Robert hits Trent with a baseball bat in packaging over and over. Trent falls to the floor and Robert sits on him until police arrive to arrest him.
-
Jeremy, I did the same thinking of everything else I forgot about the celebration.
-
Lynn Vincentnathan You did a very good job with your script here. Great scene.
-
Angelina Fluehler The dialogue needs to be smoothed out. You left some words out.
-
INT. AUCTION HOUSE AFTERNOON TUESDAY
Flea market vendors gather to bid on product at wholesale prices. ROBERT 65 has arrived wearing western wear. His cousin TRENT 45 arrives, as well and just wears a suit and tie when everyone else wears jeans and a t-shirt. They have separate booths so they buy independent from each other. They inspect the product. Robert talks to the auctioneer.
ROBERT
…Alice is a con artist. You shouldn’t even be selling to her.
AUCTIONEER
Really?
ROBERT
Yep, and so is Mark.
AUCTIONEER
Well, you would know.
Auctioneer whispers in his clerks ear.
AUCTIONEER
(whispering loudly)
Don’t sell to Alice or Mark.
AUCTIONEER
(to the crowd)
Okay, lets get started.
Trent and Robert take their seats on the metal chairs. We see items being held up to bid on.
TRENT
John, go get me lunch please. I’ll pay you back.
JOHN
No. You never paid me back the last time.
TRENT
You want this relationship to work out? Then do it.
JOHN
I well I–
TRENT
–Fine, I’ll do it. But You’ll regret it.
JOHN
No I’ll do it.
TRENT
Too late. I’m going.
They both started going to the kitchen then Trent stopped and went back to his chair. John came back without food.
TRENT
What the…? Where’s my food.
JOHN
There’s either a dead man in the kitchen or he’s sleeping.
Trent walked to the kitchen to see if this man was dead. He goes into the kitchen and approaches the man. He checks for a pulse but can’t find one. He goes to tell Robert.
TRENT
Peter is dead in the kitchen.
ROBERT
Did you call 911 or security?
TRENT
Not yet. You could look at him.
ROBERT
You know I’m retired. Fine, alright I’ll help.
Trent let him get by. Robert approached the security officer.
ROBERT
Follow me.
Robert walks to the kitchen with security officer. He examines the body. He gets a faint pulse.
ROBERT
Peter who did this to you?
PETER
Trrrrreeeennnnttt.
Peter died in front of Robert.
ROBERT
(turning to the crowd)
Okay, everyone this is a crime scene.
He turns to the security man.
ROBERT
No one is allowed to leave this building until the police have secured it. Now call the police.
The officer makes the official call. Robert approaches Trent who is sitting on a metal chair.
ROBERT
When did you find out about Peter’s death.
TRENT
As soon as John told me.
ROBERT
Well, he wasn’t dead when you found him. Because I spoke to him after that.
The color drained from Trent’s face. He bolted out of the room pulling merchandise down behind him. Robert chased after him into a back room. This room had a door to the outside and Trent was grabbing the door knob and pulling the door open. Robert grabbed Trent’s arm and twisted it be hind his back. Trent came around and punched Robert in the face knocking his glasses off. Robert let go of Trent for a second then ignored his glasses with rage and tackled Trent to the ground. Trent kicked Robert over and over, trying to get up. But Robert held on. The cops arrive shortly after and arrest Trent.
-
<title></title><style type=”text/css”>
</style>Beth Zurkowski Max Interest Part 1
Logline: Naya and Darsh are caught in the hay from Groundskeeper Bob.
Essence of situation
I used these from the list.
1. suspense
2.surprise
3. betrayal
4. uncertainty/ fear
I used my script: Jujitsu Wild West ( working title.)
EXT. BARN-DAY
Year 1910 La Crosse, Wisconsin USA
NAYA (16) meets with boyfriend DARSH (18). The two love birds make sure no one is around as they excitedly enter the barn. Horse buggy without horse is parked inside next to a model T car. Horses are also inside the stalls.
INT. BARN-DAY
Naya and Darsh can’t stop touching each other. They undress and have sex. Afterwards they rest in the hay.
NAYA
Darsh, I’m pretty sure I’m with child.
DARSH
Naya, that’s wonderful news.
NAYA
Not if I’m already promised to Old Man Vishnu. If my father finds out I’m pregnant–
Naya begins to tremble. Darsh puts his index finger on her lips.
DARSH
Shhhh. We’ll elope.
Just then the grounds keeper opens the door and enters. He puts a shovel against the wall. He hears whispering and he finds Naya and Darsh laying in the hay.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
What are you two doing in here?
Darsh and Naya stand up grabbing their clothes which they hold against their nudity.
DARSH
Bob, please don’t tell Naya’s father or family that we were in here.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
Naw, you don’t have to worry. My mouth is sealed.
INT. OFFICE- FRIDAY AFTERNOON
Naya’s father is with the accountant. He’s watching as she hands out paychecks. Groundskeeper Bob is handed six dollars.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
Good afternoon Mr. Master and Anna. How are you today?
Anna nods.
ANNA
Good.
MR. MASTER
I’m doing good. How are you?
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
I’m doing fine, sir. I saw your daughter, Naya, and boyfriend the other day. They sure–
MR. MASTER
–My Naya doesn’t have a boyfriend! Besides she’s already promished to someone.
GROUNDSKEEPER BOB
I understand sir.
Groundskeeper Bob turns to go.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by Beth Zurkowski.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 12 months ago by
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Beth Zurkowski Profiles people
What I learned: I didn’t do this to my characters in my books until today. Thanks.
<title></title><style type=”text/css”>
</style>Person 1
Charming
humorous
passive aggressive
negative
person 2
sweet
hard worker
perfectionist
paranoid
person 3
sweet
follower
vindictive
unforgiving
The Shade Riders scripts
Nova
fearless
curious
hot shot
argumentative
Benny
skeptic
helpful
argumentative
opinionated
Takeesha
helpful
nice
argumentative
negative
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Beth Zurkowski Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is to think deeper of my story.
Script I choose: The Shade Riders and the Dreadful Ghosts
Scene 1 Location: Beginning of first act.
Logline: Nova and her
friends are sitting down eating in school cafeteria and they discuss
the ghosts bothering students.
Essence I’ve discovered: They
discuss a pirate ghost that hurt someone they believe. Essence of
situation.
New Logline: Ghosts can be dangerous.Scene 2 Location: Library scene first act
Logline: Nova and
Takeesha try out the Ouija board and get unexpected results. Nova
gets pulled around the library by a ghostly force taking her to books
of knowledge.
Essence I’ve discovered: Can the force be
controlled? Essence of action.
New Logline: Nova and Takeesha are
not shocked by the ghostly presence, they want to get in contact
again.Scene 3 Location: act 1 in hallway with bullies
Logline: Nova
is alone and Brenda and Annie start beating her up. Benny and Max Kim
come to her rescue using a R.C. Auto-giro.
Essence I’ve
discovered: Nova’s friends help her get away from her bullies
because the boys chase them off. Essence of character.
New
Logline: Even though Benny is in wheelchair he is a hero.Scene 4 Location: End of Act 1
Logline: Nova and her sister
Wilha fight over the king-size bed at night.
Essence I’ve
discovered: Wilha reads scary stories that she ends up kicking Nova
out of bed. Essence of character.
New Logline: Nova sleeps on the
floor or couch when Wilha reads a spooky story.Scene 5 Location: Beginning of 2<sup>nd</sup> act
Logline:
English teacher is harassed by a mob of ghosts in her classroom
because she still practices science.
Essence I’ve discovered:
Nova didn’t know she had it in her to make the ghosts disappear.
Essence of story.
New Logline: Nova has magic ability to fight
ghosts.<title></title><style type=”text/css”>
</style> -
Jack this is an interesting story. I believe you found the essence.
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Beth Zurkowski Finds the Essence
What I learned is that there is more depth to great writing and it
all
starts with getting to the essence of what you want to write.Script I choose: Taxi Driver
Scene 1 Location: Before beginning credits
Logline:Travis
Bickle argues for job with personnel officer
Essence: He can’t
sleep so he needs something to do. Essence of situtation.Scene 2 Location: First act
Logline: Travis goes and picks up
customers
Essence: We see how Travis operates throughout the
story. Essence of ActionScene 3 Location:End of middle of Act 1
Logline: Betsy and
Travis go on first date
Essence: Betsy turns out not to like
Travis Essance of story.Scene 4 Location: middle of script
Logline: Travis gets
guns.
Essence: Travis starts out wanting to kill Politician. But
feels better about saving Iris. Essance of action.Scene 5 Location: Middle of act two
Logline: We are introduced
to Iris
Essence: Travis is a better brother than lover. Essence of
story.My selection for most profound essence: (Post scene here without
worrying
about formatting and then also post the essence and why
you believe that is
the essence).Scene 6 Location the 3<sup>rd</sup> act
Logline: When Travis believes he will
die in the shoot outEssence: Travis survives shoot out and
becomes a hero. And he turns his life around. Essence of situation<title></title><style type=”text/css”>
</style> -
I’m Beth Zurkowski and I’ve written 3 scripts so far from my novels. Hopefully this class will take me to the next level in my writing. I also have taken other screenwriting classes and enjoyed the craft immensely.
-
1. Beth Zurkowski
2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.
If you agree to the terms of the release form, then you can post your assignments into the group and your cohort can give feedback on them.
Also, if you don’t agree to this group confidentiality agreement, you’ll still need to sign an agreement that says you will keep the strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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I’m going to be out today(Saturday) So I’m going to be away from my computer. I will be back on Sunday. So Bob Rowen if you want we can exchange outlines.
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Beth Zurkowski outline lesson 16
Title: jiu-jitsu Wild West
Logline: A forbidden relationship peaks a battle in the year of WWI in a small town.
Action Outline:
I changed the present day to 1910 historic times with horse buggy and automobiles.
1. Opening: We see two in a forbidden relationship. Naya announces she’s pregnant to Darsh, her boyfriend. They find out neighbor is a doctor while push mowing the lawn. Darsh has a bloated tick on his scalp and the doctor over-hears their concern. Velda and her husband help them remove the insect.
(A-1)Naya’s father tells her she is promised to an older man in an arraigned marriage. Naya argues she won’t marry him that she loves someone else.(A-2)(V-1) Older man almost forces his way on her but finds out she’s already pregnant. Father said she was a virgin.
(M-1)Naya and Darsh decide to elope.(V-2)(A-3) But Naya gets into fight with father, mother and two older brothers. It’s an honor killing.
(M-2)(A-4)Naya is left for dead, but she crawls to the neighbors house for help and safety.(M-3)(A-5) Velda and her doctor husband help her, but she loses the baby.
2.Inciting incident:(A-6) Velda is debating helping Naya and her boyfriend, Darsh.(V-3) Meanwhile, Naya’s family noticed her body was not on the garage floor and went out looking for her.
3.First Turning Point at end of Act 1:(M-4)(A-7) Flash back on Velda’s military career as a nurse in the army and we show she is cautious in helping because she was raped while overseas.(M-5) Velda soon excepts the challenge.(A-8) Int. Velda’s house-top floor-continuous…
Velda finds Naya and Darsh in the guest room.
Velda: We have to leave this place. It’s not safe anymore.
Naya: W…where?–
Velda: –Sheriff’s office.
Int./ Ext. Velda’s house- hallway- stairs- door- continuous…
They rush out the door with whatever they have.
Click! Boom!
Ext. house-night
The house explodes knocking them to the ground.
Velda looks back. The house is now on fire.
Velda: Good thing Mike was at the hospital.
They get up and brush themselves off. And hurry away from the former house. Chase scene. Velda has Naya and Darsh get into her car as they proceed to the police station to get to a safe house. Then Naya spots her brother’s car following them. Anxiety Velda tries to lose him as she bites her nails. She begins to sweat as Naya’s brother gets more aggressive by trying to smash into Velda’s car into a bridge buttress in the median on the highway. Velda’s car is wedged in. Fear Brother starts shooting them. Velda backs out and manages to get away from him as she travels down the highway. She asks if anyone is injured as she looks wildly around for brother to see if he’s still on her tail. Relief At her fast speed a cop car pulls her over and Brother’s car drives past. Velda, Naya and Darsh breath out in relief.
· (A-10)(M-6) Velda fights Naya’s relatives and wins. Set up: Plan: get Naya out of Velda”s house because it’s not safe. After they leave there is a huge explosion and it knocks them down. Naya and Velda are in an argument.
· At the rendezvous with sheriff; Naya’s relatives show up.
· Pre-Action: Velda fights Naya’s relatives to distract them from Naya and Darshes escape with the aid of the sheriff.
· Action: The fight scene
· anxiety Velda hears footsteps behind them. She looks behind herself but it’s dark and she doesn’t see anything.
· Fear The footsteps are faster.
· relief Velda sees a kid chasing a ball behind her. Relief washes over her.
· surprise It’s Naya’s brother’s footsteps.
· shock They have guns.
· suspense Velda and Naya make a run for it.
· danger More of Naya’s family members close in.
· excitement The Brazilian dance ensues. Velda finds resources in a sword shop. She wields a sword and sheild.
· adrenaline. The family captures Naya then Velda stops them from taking her.
Post-Action: After winning the fight
Velda and Naya get away.(A-9)(M-5) Velda works with police and gets Naya and Darsh to safety.
4.Mid-Point:(A-11) (V-4)Father gets away and puts a bounty on Velda’s head at son’s gym. (A-12)(V-5) He hires street fighters from the gym to take on Velda. Danger: Velda is followed by two suspicious men into the antique three story mall. She notices they are carrying guns in shoulder holsters. Excitement: She runs deep into the shop making a huge mess behind herself. The two men split up and go after her. The stairs and elevator are used. Then they have her cornered and right away she kicks the guns out of their hands. Martial arts are used by the three of them. More antiques get broken. Finally the men capture her and remove her from the mall.
Velda is taken back to Naya’s father and she is put in a chair and tied up and asked where Naya is. But Velda won’t talk. Father starts to pull her fingernails out. She still won’t talk and is moved to a room. She tries to escape out the window but it won’t break or open. She tests the door. It’s locked. Adrenaline: Velda notices the walls are made out of lath and plaster so she uses her fists and punches her way through and makes her escape.
(V-6)(A-13) She gets captured, tortured and escapes. (A-14)
(5.Second Turning Point: at end of Act 2 (M-7) Velda stops at a MMA and talks to the sword fighters there.
6.Crisis: (V-8) Surprise: Father follows Naya to her new house in another state and finds Naya in a grocery store and captures her holding her hostage.(V-9)Shock: After ransacking Naya’s house he finds Velda’s phone number and he lets Velda know he has Naya and she is his hostage and Naya’s death is on her hands. Suspense: (M-8) Velda searches for Naya’s family can she find Naya in time?
Father finds Naya and holds her hostage.(V-9) He lets Velda know Naya’s death is on Velda’s hands. (M-8) Velda searches for Nata’s family.
7.Climax: (A-15) (M-9)Velda tries to take on every family member and street fighter.(A-16)(M-10) But just when she’s about to collapse from exhaustion the MMA fighters find her and help her out.(A-17)(M-11) She gets up her final reserves and fights on. (A-18) (M-12) Velda wins and gets Naya back.(A-19)(M-13) Velda chops off the father’s head with a sword.
8.Resolution: (M-14)Velda and her husband are invited to Naya’s and Darsh’s wedding. Naya carries a brand new baby.
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Beth Zurkowski Fast Formatting! “What I learned doing this assignment is how to use ellipsis and dashes and how to use continuous slug lines.
1. Write an Action scene for your project that includes each of these formatting techniques.
A. Basic Formatting
B. Dash or Ellipsis?
C. Sound, then Explanation
D. Mixing Sluglines into Action
E. Stacking Action
F. Stacking Dialogue2. Choose images, actions, and sounds that make this scene visceral!
Int. Velda’s house-top floor-continuous…
Velda finds Naya and Darsh in the guest room.
Velda: We have to leave this place. It’s not safe anymore.
Naya: W…where?–
Velda: –Sheriff’s office.
Int./ Ext. Velda’s house- hallway- stairs- door- continuous…
They rush out the door with whatever they have.
Click! Boom!
Ext. house-night
The house explodes knocking them to the ground.
Velda looks back. The house is now on fire.
Velda: Good thing Mike was at the hospital.
They get up and brush themselves
off. And hurry away from the former house. -
Beth Zurkowski Great Action Set Piece! What I learned doing this assignment is How to use the guides to make my story better.
Take an Action Set Piece from your outline and use the steps above to turn it into an amazing experience for the reader and audience.
1. Build in the meaning.
· Set up: Plan: get Naya out of Velda”s house because it’s not safe. After they leave there is a huge explosion and it knocks them down. Naya and Velda are in an argument.
· At the rendezvous with sheriff; Naya’s relatives show up.
· Pre-Action: Velda fights Naya’s relatives to distract them from Naya and Darshes escape with the aid of the sheriff.
· Action: The fight scene
· anxiety Velda hears footsteps behind them. She looks behind herself but it’s dark and she doesn’t see anything.
· Fear The footsteps are faster.
· relief Velda sees a kid chasing a ball behind her. Relief washes over her.
· surprise It’s Naya’s brother’s footsteps.
· shock They have guns.
· suspense Velda and Naya make a run for it.
· danger More of Naya’s family members close in.
· excitement The Brazilian dance ensues. Velda finds resources in a sword shop. She wields a sword and sheild.
· adrenaline. The family captures Naya then Velda stops them from taking her.
Post-Action: After
winning the fight Velda and Naya get away. -
Beth Zurkowski Unique Action! What I learned doing this assignment is how to turn my story around.
Pick at least one action scene that you want to make more unique. Then use this process to generate ideas.
1. Looking at your entire story, what is unique about each of these places:
Environment: 1910 when cars and horses where on the
street.
Rules: normal
Villain: Naya’s father and family and street fighters
Mission: Save Naya and Darsh take to extreme explosions
of Velda’s house by using dynamite.
Struggle: anxiety from getting raped
Unique Skillset: Brazilian martial arts specific to
character. Velda is Brazilian.
Meaning: each action scene brings Naya and Darsh into marital
bliss with a new baby. And friends with Velda and her husband.
Allies: MMA and sheriff and cowboys.
Weapon: martial arts, guns and swords.2. Brainstorm ways to make one or more of those places unique:
A. What if…?
B. Take to an extreme.
C. Specific to character or environment.
D. Shocking or Surprising.
E. Go opposite.
F. What haven’t we seen?5. Tell us about the improvements that you have made.
I changed the present day to 1910 historic times with horse buggy and automobiles.
1. Opening: We see two in a forbidden relationship. Naya announces she’s pregnant to Darsh, her boyfriend. They find out neighbor is a doctor while push mowing the lawn. Darsh has a bloated tick on his scalp and the doctor over-hears their concern. Velda and her husband help them remove the insect.
(A-1)Naya’s father tells her she is promised to an older man in an arraigned marriage. Naya argues she won’t marry him that she loves someone else.(A-2)(V-1) Older man almost forces his way on her but finds out she’s already pregnant. Father said she was a virgin.
(M-1)Naya and Darsh decide to elope.(V-2)(A-3) But Naya gets into fight with father, mother and two older brothers. It’s an honor killing.
(M-2)(A-4)Naya is left for dead, but she crawls to the neighbors house for help and safety.(M-3)(A-5) Velda and her doctor husband help her, but she loses the baby.
2.Inciting incident:(A-6) Velda is debating helping Naya and her boyfriend, Darsh.(V-3) Meanwhile, Naya’s family noticed her body was not on the garage floor and went out looking for her.
3.First Turning Point at end of Act 1:(M-4)(A-7) Flash back on Velda’s military career as a nurse in the army and we show she is cautious in helping because she was raped while overseas.(M-5) Velda soon excepts the challenge.(A-8) Chase scene. Velda has Naya and Darsh get into her car as they proceed to the police station to get to a safe house. Then Naya spots her brother’s car following them. Anxiety Velda tries to lose him as she bites her nails. She begins to sweat as Naya’s brother gets more aggressive by trying to smash into Velda’s car into a bridge buttress in the median on the highway. Velda’s car is wedged in. Fear Brother starts shooting them. Velda backs out and manages to get away from him as she travels down the highway. She asks if anyone is injured as she looks wildly around for brother to see if he’s still on her tail. Relief At her fast speed a cop car pulls her over and Brother’s car drives past. Velda, Naya and Darsh breath out in relief.
(A-9)(M-5) Velda works with police and gets Naya and Darsh to safety.(A-10)(M-6) Velda fights Naya’s relatives and wins.
4.Mid-Point:(A-11) (V-4)Father gets away and puts a bounty on Velda’s head at son’s gym. (A-12)(V-5) He hires street fighters from the gym to take on Velda. Danger: Velda is followed by two suspicious men into the antique three story mall. She notices they are carrying guns in shoulder holsters. Excitement: She runs deep into the shop making a huge mess behind herself. The two men split up and go after her. The stairs and elevator are used. Then they have her cornered and right away she kicks the guns out of their hands. Martial arts are used by the three of them. More antiques get broken. Finally the men capture her and remove her from the mall.
Velda is taken back to Naya’s father and she is put in a chair and tied up and asked where Naya is. But Velda won’t talk. Father starts to pull her fingernails out. She still won’t talk and is moved to a room. She tries to escape out the window but it won’t break or open. She tests the door. It’s locked. Adrenaline: Velda notices the walls are made out of lath and plaster so she uses her fists and punches her way through and makes her escape.
(V-6)(A-13) She gets captured, tortured and escapes. (A-14)
(5.Second Turning Point: at end of Act 2 (M-7) Velda stops at a MMA and talks to the sword fighters there.
6.Crisis: (V-8) Surprise: Father follows Naya to her new house in another state and finds Naya in a grocery store and captures her holding her hostage.(V-9)Shock: After ransacking Naya’s house he finds Velda’s phone number and he lets Velda know he has Naya and she is his hostage and Naya’s death is on her hands. Suspense: (M-8) Velda searches for Naya’s family can she find Naya in time?
Father finds Naya and holds her hostage.(V-9) He lets Velda know Naya’s death is on Velda’s hands. (M-8) Velda searches for Nata’s family.
7.Climax: (A-15) (M-9)Velda tries to take on every family member and street fighter.(A-16)(M-10) But just when she’s about to collapse from exhaustion the MMA fighters find her and help her out.(A-17)(M-11) She gets up her final reserves and fights on. (A-18) (M-12) Velda wins and gets Naya back.(A-19)(M-13) Velda chops off the father’s head with a sword.
8.Resolution: (M-14)Velda and her husband are invited to Naya’s and Darsh’s wedding. Naya carries a brand new baby.
-
Beth Zurkowski Level 3 Action Emotions What I learned doing this assignment is I really need to concentrate on brainstorming.
3. Write the scene as a first draft, highlighting danger, excitement, and adrenaline.
V-6)(A-13) Velda gets captured, tortured and escapes.
Danger: Velda is followed by two suspicious men into the antique three story mall. She notices they are carrying guns in shoulder holsters. Excitement: She runs deep into the shop making a huge mess behind herself. The two men split up and go after her. The stairs and elevator are used. Then they have her cornered and right away she kicks the guns out of their hands. Martial arts are used by the three of them. More antiques get broken. Finally the men capture her and remove her from the mall.
Velda is taken back to Naya’s father and she is put in a chair and tied up and asked where Naya is. But Velda won’t talk. Father starts to pull her fingernails out. She still won’t talk and is moved to a room. She tries to escape out the window but it won’t break or open. She tests the door. It’s locked. Adrenaline: Velda notices the walls are made out of sheet rock so she uses her fists and punches her way through and makes her escape.
-
Beth Zurkowski Level 2 Emotions What I learned doing this assignment is Lots of deep brain storming.
Surprise: Father follows Naya to her new house in another state and finds Naya in a grocery store and captures her holding her hostage.(V-9)Shock: After ransacking Naya’s house he finds Velda’s phone number and he lets Velda know he has Naya and she is his hostage and Naya’s death is on her hands. Suspense: (M-8) Velda searches for Naya’s family can she find Naya in time?
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Beth Zurkowski Level 1 Action Emotions What I learned doing this assignment is how to add more detail to my outline.
Create a scene that uses all three of these Action emotions.
1. Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use anxiety, fear, and relief.
2. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions.
Velda has Naya and Darsh get into her car as they proceed to the police station to get to a safe house. Then Naya spots her brother’s car following them. Anxiety Velda tries to lose him as she bites her nails. She begins to sweat as Naya’s brother gets more aggressive by trying to smash into Velda’s car into a bridge buttress in the median on the highway. Velda’s car is wedged in. Fear Brother starts shooting them. Velda backs out and manages to get away from him as she travels down the highway. She asks if anyone is injured as she looks wildly around for brother to see if he’s still on her tail. Relief At her fast speed a cop car pulls her over and Brother’s car drives past. Velda, Naya and Darsh breath out in relief.
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Beth Zurkowski Favorite twists! What I learned from this assignment is How to add more twists.
Go through your outline and rethink it as a series of twists. Add in any twists that you feel will improve it.
1. Choose any scene that needs a twist or two:
2. Brainstorm ways to use one or more of these twists:
<div>
X Danger
========================= Safety</div><div>X New
Threat ====================== Unexpected SupportPlan Fails ========================Plan Succeeds
Identity or Plan Exposed ============ Identity Hidden
X Deceived
====================== Surprising TruthX Betrayal
======================= Surprising AllianceAttacked ====================== Protected
Lost Resources ================= New Resources
It Just Got Worse ============== It Just Got Better
Unexpected Weapon ============= Surprising Response
X Trap/Trick
===================== EscapeReversal ====================== Reverse the Reversal
</div>
3. Select the twists you’ll use and build them into your scene.
4. Do #1 to #3 with as many scenes in your outline as you can.
5. Tell us your FIVE favorite twists listed as Setup/Twist.
1. Opening: We see two in a forbidden relationship. Naya announces she’s pregnant to Darsh, her boyfriend.
At Velda’s Dojo she is well liked by her students. After teaching and day is over. Velda and her husband go out to eat at a bar with friends.
Naya and Darsh find out neighbor is a doctor while mowing the lawn. Darsh has a bloated tick on his scalp and the doctor over-hears their concern. Velda and her husband help them remove the insect.
(A-1)Naya’s father tells her she is promised to an older man in an arraigned marriage. Naya argues she won’t marry him that she loves someone else.(A-2)(V-1) Older man forces his way on her and finds out she’s not a virgin like Father said she was.
(M-1)Naya and Darsh decide to elope.(V-2)(A-3) But Naya gets into fight with father, mother and two older brothers. It’s an honor killing.
(M-2)(A-4)Naya is left for dead, but she crawls to the neighbors house for help and safety.(M-3)(A-5) Velda and her doctor husband help her, but she loses the baby.
2.Inciting incident:(A-6) Velda is debating helping Naya and her boyfriend, Darsh.(V-3) Meanwhile, Naya’s family noticed her body was not on the garage floor and went out looking for her.
3.First Turning Point at end of Act 1:(M-4)(A-7) Flash back on Velda’s military career as a Marine and we show she is cautious in helping because she was raped while overseas.(M-5) Velda soon excepts the challenge. Gabe the other instructor of the dojo tells Velda he supports her if she wants to help Naya. Turns out he lied and he helps Naya’s father fight Velda. (A-8) Chase scene.(A-9)(M-5) Velda works with police and gets Naya and Darsh to safety.(A-10)(M-6) Velda fights Naya’s tresspassing relatives and wins.
4.Mid-Point:(A-11) (V-4)Father gets away and puts a bounty on Velda’s head at son’s gym. (A-12)(V-5) He hires street fighters from the gym to take on Velda.(V-6)(A-13) She gets captured, tortured and escapes. (A-14) (V-7)Father gets Velda’s wallet and begins to ruin her credit and reputation.
5.Second Turning Point: at end of Act 2 (M-7) Velda stops at a MMA and talks to the sword fighters there.
6.Crisis: (V-8) Father finds Naya and holds her hostage.(V-9) He lets Velda know Naya’s death is on Velda’s hands. (M-8) Velda searches for Nata’s family.
7.Climax: (A-15) (M-9)Velda tries to take on every family member and street fighter and Gabe’s students who betray her trust.(A-16)(M-10) But just when she’s about to collapse from exhaustion the MMA fighters find her and help her out.(A-17)(M-11) She gets up her final reserves and fights on. (A-18) (M-12) Velda wins and gets Naya back.(A-19)(M-13) Velda chops off the father’s head with a sword.
8.Resolution: (M-14)Velda and her husband are invited to Naya’s and Darsh’s wedding. Naya carries a brand new baby.
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Beth Zurkowski Likability/Empathy/Justification What I learned doing this assignment is how to better make main character we care about.
1. Brainstorm answers to Likability/Empathy / Distress/Justified for your Hero.
LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY
A. Other people like or respect the character. At the
dojo where Velda teaches martial arts the students really like her. Also
she has friends that she socializes with at bars.
B. The character shows love for something. She shows
love to her girlfriends.
C. They’re trying to do something good. They help
doctor people.
D. Save the cat — rescue or do something good for
someone else. Come to Naya’s rescue.
E. Funny, humorous, witty. Velda cracks jokes all over
the script.
F. Kindness. Velda and her doctor husband help people
where ever they can.JUSTIFICATION
E. The Villain or their representatives have
trespassed. Naya’s family came to Velda’s house and proceed to beat her
up.EMPATHY / DISTRESS
A. Undeserved misfortune. Her credit and reputation is
damaged.
E. Forced decisions they’d never make. Get Naya out of
the area into a safe house.2. Organize them into a sequence that happens in the first Act of your script and tell us the story in a concise form (like I did for John Wick and Salt above).
1. Opening: We see two in a forbidden relationship. Naya announces she’s pregnant to Darsh, her boyfriend.
At Velda’s Dojo she is well liked by her students. After teaching and day is over. Velda and her husband go out to eat at a bar with friends.
Naya and Darsh find out neighbor is a doctor while mowing the lawn. Darsh has a bloated tick on his scalp and the doctor over-hears their concern. Velda and her husband help them remove the insect.
(A-1)Naya’s father tells her she is promised to an older man in an arraigned marriage. Naya argues she won’t marry him that she loves someone else.(A-2)(V-1) Older man forces his way on her and finds out she’s not a virgin like Father said she was.
(M-1)Naya and Darsh decide to elope.(V-2)(A-3) But Naya gets into fight with father, mother and two older brothers. It’s an honor killing.
(M-2)(A-4)Naya is left for dead, but she crawls to the neighbors house for help and safety.(M-3)(A-5) Velda and her doctor husband help her, but she loses the baby.
2.Inciting incident:(A-6) Velda is debating helping Naya and her boyfriend, Darsh.(V-3) Meanwhile, Naya’s family noticed her body was not on the garage floor and went out looking for her.
3.First Turning Point at end of Act 1:(M-4)(A-7) Flash back on Velda’s military career as a Marine and we show she is cautious in helping because she was raped while overseas.(M-5) Velda soon excepts the challenge.(A-8) Chase scene.(A-9)(M-5) Velda works with police and gets Naya and Darsh to safety.(A-10)(M-6) Velda fights Naya’s tresspassing relatives and wins.
4.Mid-Point:(A-11) (V-4)Father gets away and puts a bounty on Velda’s head at son’s gym. (A-12)(V-5) He hires street fighters from the gym to take on Velda.(V-6)(A-13) She gets captured, tortured and escapes. (A-14) (V-7)Father gets Velda’s wallet and begins to ruin her credit and reputation.
5.Second Turning Point: at end of Act 2 (M-7) Velda stops at a MMA and talks to the sword fighters there.
6.Crisis: (V-8) Father finds Naya and holds her hostage.(V-9) He lets Velda know Naya’s death is on Velda’s hands. (M-8) Velda searches for Nata’s family.
7.Climax: (A-15) (M-9)Velda tries to take on every family member and street fighter.(A-16)(M-10) But just when she’s about to collapse from exhaustion the MMA fighters find her and help her out.(A-17)(M-11) She gets up her final reserves and fights on. (A-18) (M-12) Velda wins and gets Naya back.(A-19)(M-13) Velda chops off the father’s head with a sword.
8.Resolution: (M-14)Velda and her husband are invited to Naya’s and Darsh’s wedding. Naya carries a brand new baby.
3. Decide which ideas you’d like to keep and add them to your structure/plot/outline.
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Beth Zurkowski Action Track! “What I learned doing this assignment is always go back and check your notes.”
Create a rough draft of your Action Track.
1. Answer the Action Questions:
A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action
could naturally show up in this movie? a fight scene.
B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what
action could work for this track? chase and pursuit, fight Interrogation, torture,
and escape.
C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act,
and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act? The action starts out with fighting
20 family members that are men and women before Velda can get Patty to safety.
Then comes a chase scene with a pursuit. Then the father hires 12 marital
artists who capture Velda and Patty where Velda is interrogated and
tortured and she escapes after rescuing Patty. Then there is another chase
and fight scene where she fights bad guys with her own MMA group who use
swords and calls the father for her own and fights him to the death in a
sword fighting match. -
Beth Zurkowski villain track! What I learned: That there are two ways for a villain to plan.
1. Ask the Villain Track questions to discover your Villain’s plan, decisions, and actions.
A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an
evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? Created on the spot. He puts a
bounty on Velda’s head at a gym his son trains in. When the attacks don’t
work out father hires assassins.
B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the
hero? by attacking over and over. Ruining her credit and name.
C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can
they exploit that in this movie? He’s a great sword fighter.
In the end there get into a sword fight.
D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where
they pay for what they’ve done? He gets his head handed to him in the end.2. Include labels with each step of their plan.
decisions: attack over and over until Velda is dead.
Plans: steal social security card and id to ruin their credit and reputation.
actions: chase scenes, and fight scenes.
I had a hard time with this one, Hal, I didn’t understand the labels part.
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Beth Zurkowski Hero’s Mission Track/ What I learned doing this assignment is how to brainstorm differently.
A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go
straight into the face of the overwhelming odds? She’s a marine and martial arts instructor.
B. What is the mission that would be an impossible
goal? Velda Fights 20 men and women involved in honor killing and beats
them. Then the daughter’s father hires goons off the street who were
fighters to take her on.
C. What strong internal and external motivation could
drive the hero? She was raped in the military.
D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story.
What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this
villain? She could be trapped or caught and killed.2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.
Clear Mission:
Motivation: pregnant severely beaten up young woman enters
her life.
Inciting Incident: loss of baby.
First Action: take on honor killing force.
Obstacle:”Stay out of our way of life.”
Escalation: father hires street fighters to take on
Velda.
Overwhelming Odds: They capture Velda. Father wants to
know where daughter is so he can finish what he started. Velda escapes.
New Plan: Velda calls in reinforcement.
Full out Attack: Martial artist take on street
fighters.
Success: Velda wins. -
Beth Zurkowski Hero: Velda Fabian Villain: Jamal Abed
What I learned during this assignment:
Concept:
Hero Morally Right: Save Haniya from honor killing.
Villain Morally Wrong: wants to kill for infraction of
not bringing dinner on time.Hero
A. Unique Skill Set: black belt
B. Motivation: compassion
C. Secret or Wound: Velda was raped.Villain
A. Unbeatable: family is large and are street fighters.
B. Plan/Goal: Stop westerners from interfering in Palestinian
life.
C. What they lose if Hero survives: lose honor more so.Impossible Mission
A. Puts Hero in Action: Haniya needed medical care.
Velda’s husband is a doctor.
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Velda must fight Palestine
families.
C. Destroy the Villain: He’s being protected by Palestines.3. My improved answers.
Haniya has an arranged marriage problem.
Velda knows Brazilian jiu-jitsu
I’m going to make the villains from India instead but that too might be a cliché.
Daughter got pregnant by the man she loves but she has an arranged marrige looming. And she doesnt know how to let her father know she is pregnant from her boyfriend.
The rich man who marries her soon finds out she’s not a virgin and wants to kill her along with her father and brothers.
They beat her almost to death, She runs to Velda’s house but loses the baby.
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Beth Zurkowski’s Conventions.
What I learned doing this assignment is how to brain storm better and how not to edit too early because it will stop creativity.
Concept: Velda Fabian, a black belt, saves an abused woman’s life; now the abuser wants them both dead.
Conventions
Hero: Velda Fabian black belt
Demand for Action: Patty was beaten in an honor killing.Mission: Save Patty and her kids
Antagonist: Abuser Patty’s boyfriend.
Escalating Action: whole family is getting involved -
I agree to the terms of the release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi my name is Beth Zurkowski
I’ve written 4 scripts.
I hope to get some help on an action script I’m working on.
I enjoy LARP.
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You did an exceptional job with this scene.
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I like this scene. You did a very good job.
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Great job Jerry.
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Hi Jo, I love this script. Well done.
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Hi Alfred, I’d have Maxine kiss the pastor so it shows shes tricky.
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Hi, Lynn, thanks for your help with this. You made some good points. The drag queen helped with another job so they were getting a tip. Yeah, I probably do need to do my ending better.
Thanks,
Beth
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Hi Jeremy, You did a great job here. The descriptions really helped see what was going on. Great job on dialog as well.
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Hi Lynn, Squire sure is a dick and he sure knows more than he’s letting on. This was very well done.
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Alfred, You did a fun scene here. I really enjoyed it. I thought it was a kid’s story at first. The animals getting got was very well done.
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Brenda, you did a good job making Justice unlikable. drew me in also.
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Brian,
want to team up?
Beth
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Thanks Brian, Good points, thanks.
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David, this script is so well written. good job. I can easily see the traits and subtext is all there. Good job.
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Jo, I love this scene. You’re writing is so gritty. It’s always an emotional moment when they stab or shoot the kid.
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Lynn, excellent story. I wonder if Angel waves around the thumb drive John looks at her in RELIEF.
As Nick is ALMOSTlead out the two turn it around? That way there’s more time to talk.
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Thanks for the crit Leah.
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Hi Yanni, thanks for the crit. I can fix the celebration theme easily, just have it be Robert’s birthday. I tend to write in past tense because I’ve been working on novels for 25 years, but I’ll fix that also. Good eye.