[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Finishing Act 3

Vision: Write good. Tell engaging story. Connect spiritually. “It’s all about family.”

What I learned from doing this assignment is…Writing without fear. Been on vacation, so lessons 9-11 are copy and paste. I know I’ve written bad. Been doing a lot more telling than showing in my script. I have a scene that is a philosophical debate that NEEDS to be rewritten into something with more subtext and action. Doesn’t matter right now. I’ve almost got a script, where two weeks ago I didn’t.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Started/Continues Act 4

Vision: Maybe I should be more specific. I don’t know. Imma write this amazing script, adapt it into a novel, and self publish by the end of the year, all without sacrificing time with family. Then, in 2024, rinse and repeat the process. Above all, don’t hold back, don’t stop writing, and get the work out no matter what.

What I learned from doing this assignment is…Just keep writing. Even if it’s the least creative thing you’ve come up with that day, write it anyway and move on, because a creative breakthrough is just around the corner.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin Has Finished Act 4!

Vision: Write a story that connects with audiences on a spiritual level, regardless of background, while balancing quality time with my family

What I learned from doing this assignment is…I can write a first draft in under a month. It might not be good…like…at all. But maybe embracing that lesser quality first draft makes it easier to fix the problems I couldn’t find in my outline. It’s a lot easier to throw away garbage than art. I’ve got some amazing stuff that tells me my concept works! I’ve also got some stuff that screams “fix me.” Looking forward to learning how to rewrite. God bless.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Continuing Act 3

Vision: Write good. Tell engaging story. Connect spiritually. “It’s all about family.”

What I learned from doing this assignment is…Writing without fear. Been on vacation, so lessons 9-11 are copy and paste. I know I’ve written bad. Been doing a lot more telling than showing in my script. I have a scene that is a philosophical debate that NEEDS to be rewritten into something with more subtext and action. Doesn’t matter right now. I’ve almost got a script, where two weeks ago I didn’t.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin Began Act 3

Vision: Write good. Tell engaging story. Connect spiritually. “It’s all about family.”

What I learned from doing this assignment is…Writing without fear. Been on vacation, so lessons 9-11 are copy and paste. I know I’ve written bad. Been doing a lot more telling than showing in my script. I have a scene that is a philosophical debate that NEEDS to be rewritten into something with more subtext and action. Doesn’t matter right now. I’ve almost got a script, where two weeks ago I didn’t.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Completed Act 2

Vision: Write a killer story that connects with audiences on a spiritual level, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned from doing this assignment is…don’t make your job harder. Write what’s new by hand if it helps you get out of a perfection mindset. Don’t copy what you already have typed into a handwritten format, just so the story’s all in one place. Wasted two days doing that for an action sequence. You can do anything you want to the story later (build tension, improve dialogue, structure scenes for better pacing, etc.). The sooner you get it out of your head, the sooner you can start making that story yours.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Continuing Act 2

Vision: Write story. Connect with audiences. Speak to something deeper in them. Time with family is prioritized.

What I learned from doing this assignment is…Downside with writing by hand is that it’s soooooo much slower. The other problem was rewriting a couple of scenes that were already typed out as a proof of concept about a year ago. I REALLY wanted to consolidate the first draft into one format, but going forward, I may choose to be comfortable having my “rough draft” be written in separate formats or software, and just try to include notes where needed, if I happen to be pulling from different sources again.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin Began Act 2

Vision: Write a story that connects with audiences on a spiritual level, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned from doing this assignment is…Rituals help (like having a specific time, place, and set up to prepare you). Also, at this stage, rituals or having the perfect set up isn’t a prerequisite, since the objective is to have words on paper; just words, not necessarily anything of quality. Also found that praying beforehand helps to assuage anxiety about what to come up with. If you’re not religious, meditating and giving your “best” away, like imagining sending it away on a journey to one day come back to you on its own, may be a good substitute.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Finished Act 1

Vision: Write a story that connects with audiences on a spiritual level, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…So, this this going to be a bit of copy and paste in the forums, since I’m writing this after finishing Act 1. I can’t remember the last time I wrote like this. Might’ve been high school or early college. Regardless, it was fun to rediscover my confidence in writing fast and getting a lot of content down. Separate from that, I also discovered, in spite of the amount of crap I put on paper, there’s a lot of ideas I got to explore that my outline didn’t initially convey, and I have a more cohesive story to follow from page to page, all in less than a week’s time. I just kept reminding myself that quality is for another draft. This is about getting words down so that they can be rewritten. So, forget spelling, good scene descriptions, or proper pacing…for now. All that comes in the next draft. Godspeed.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Next Act 1 Scenes

Vision: Write a story that connects with audiences on a spiritual level, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…So, this this going to be a bit of copy and paste in the forums, since I’m writing this after finishing Act 1. I can’t remember the last time I wrote like this. Might’ve been high school or early college. Regardless, it was fun to rediscover my confidence in writing fast and getting a lot of content down. Separate from that, I also discovered, in spite of the amount of crap I put on paper, there’s a lot of ideas I got to explore that my outline didn’t initially convey, and I have a more cohesive story to follow from page to page, all in less than a week’s time. I just kept reminding myself that quality is for another draft. This is about getting words down so that they can be rewritten. So, forget spelling, good scene descriptions, or proper pacing…for now. All that comes in the next draft. Godspeed.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Act 1 First Draft Part 1

Vision: Write a story that connects with audiences on a spiritual level, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…So, this this going to be a bit of copy and paste in the forums, since I’m writing this after finishing Act 1. I can’t remember the last time I wrote like this. Might’ve been high school or early college. Regardless, it was fun to rediscover my confidence in writing fast and getting a lot of content down. Separate from that, I also discovered, in spite of the amount of crap I put on paper, there’s a lot of ideas I got to explore that my outline didn’t initially convey, and I have a more cohesive story to follow from page to page, all in less than a week’s time. I just kept reminding myself that quality is for another draft. This is about getting words down so that they can be rewritten. So, forget spelling, good scene descriptions, or proper pacing…for now. All that comes in the next draft. Godspeed.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s High Speed Writing Rules

Vision: Tell a story that connects with audiences on a spiritual level, while prioritizing family time.

What I learned doing this assignment…One more thing I forgot to add from the last assignment – put a timer on and stick to that. So, yeah: pencil, composition notebook (a cheap one to reflect the quality of the first draft), and a timer. The other thing is, I already knew I could write 5 pages an hour, because I’ve done that before on assignment; wrote 20 pages in four hours. My big issue is that I struggle to separate what I know I can write with just putting words to paper. That quote at the beginning of the assignment is something that I really to need to meditate on every time I start this. Writing for maximum quality utilizes a completely separate set of skills from writing as fast as you can. I’ve got to remind myself to not do both functions at once, and trust that I’ll get my writing up to standard in time. Right now, let’s just get my writing to where I can rewrite it.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s First Scene

Vision: Write a story that connects with audiences on a spiritual level, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…Get a composition notebook and make it your mission to trust that your story will get there in time. Just put words to paper; that’s all that matters right now.

P.S. Cameron.Ross.martin@gmail.com is my email. Don’t know if anyone else has had difficulties with the forums or not. If you want to reach out for feedback or exchanges, I’m happy to help!

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1

Vision: Write a marketable Action movie that connects with audiences on a deep, spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…Another way of layering in beats into your script. This process feels a little less structured than the “Save the Cat” model or the “Mini Movie Method.” I’m going to need more practice with this strategy. I get it, it’s supposed to be “fill in the blank” and expand what’s already been worked on. Just trying to trust the process and know I’ll have an actual outline (and hopefully a script I like) eventually.

…

Act 1: Waking up in the Labyrinth

Null: PJ 1: Null wakes up to a mechanical arm probing her.

Action Convention: She retaliates and discovers she’s been augmented with a strange ability to control different machines.

Null PJ 2: Null explores the room.

Calvex AJ 1: Calvex introduces himself and explains Null is safe, but because she woke up too soon, there’s brain damage and amnesia in her coming back to life.

Deeper Layer: Calvex has lied to Null. He’s keeping her in the dark and wants to see what she’ll do. He’s testing her, and eventually will test the original copy, to discover the means with which he too can be reborn as something else.

Calvex AJ 2: Calvex escorts Null out of the room to begin the quest out of the facility.

Null PJ 3: Action Escalation: Null encounters her first obstacle since leaving the room, and fights against a group of “rouge robots”

Null PJ 4: Null discovers the robots were carrying a coffin, and inside is a copy of Null

Calvex AJ 3: Calvex discourages Null from waking up her copy, as as only one may make it through the maze.

Deeper Layer: This is part of Cavlex’s plan. Null’s copy is the original, who has her own reason for being there, separate from Calvex’s influence

Null PJ 5: Null wakes up her copy anyway

Janice AJ 1/Action Escalation: Janice wakes up and in a panic fights Null

Deeper Layer: Janice has all her memories of who she was before, and knows something’s wrong

Null PJ 6: Null subdues Janice

Calvex AJ 4: Calvex intervenes and persuades Janice to accept a truce.

(Note: Possible other directions to take – Go further with Calvex being the true antagonist, and allowing Janice’s and Null’s shared plot have a deeper meaning. Calvex reveals himself to be the true enemy, and works to test Null and Janice. Or, Calvex is a true passive observer, and Janice is a manipulator of Null until Null wises up, and gets Null to back down by revealing something the two share besides looking identical)

Act 2: Null and Janice fight their way out of the purgatory maze

Janice/Act 3: Janice works to manipulate and weaken Null. She tries to crush her will to live at every point.

Deeper Meaning: Janice is actually the original, and Null is the copy.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Janice betrays Null and tries to kill her, but Null sacrifices her body to possess Janice

Deeper Meaning: Null was meant to be a final sacrifice for Janice to reach her full potential, but Null possessing Janice wasn’t a part of the plan.

Janice Act 4 Climax: Janice goes on the warpath against the man who assaulted her and his gang.

Act 3: Null fights through Janice’s mind and uncovers the truth.

Deeper Meaning: Janice killed herself to come back stronger and exact vengeance on her former accomplices.

Turning Point 3: Null gains control of Janice’s body.

Act 4 Climax: Null and Janice fight for control during Janice’s raid on her former accomplices. Meanwhile, Calvex tries to reacquire them both due to Null’s escape.

Resolution: Janice is assimilated. Null wins and declares war on Calvex

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Deeper Layer!

Vision: Write an action movie that connects with audiences on a deep spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…First, let me just get this off my chest. I cheated a bit using ChatGPT. I asked it to come up with near 80 different examples of “hints” because outside of knowing the concept, I was really struggling with getting past my own perceptions of the budget, production design, setting, etc., which kept shutting down my brainstorming. So, lesson one: save production concerns for later; when brainstorming, budget doesn’t matter. Lesson two: if you don’t want to rely on an AI to act as the creative equivalent of a pocket calculator, but you need to get yourself out of a creative rut, just write down as many different examples from comparable movies as possible, regardless of whether you feel they fit or not, and then brainstorm from that list. It’s a lot easier to create when something’s already there, than work from the intimidating “blank page.” Either way, I did start to have some additional ideas, separate from the massive generated list, and begin to see different scenes play out in my still developing outline. The next step will be to go back to my concept again and ask “what just makes sense” or “what would only a really stupid person not consider when faced with this kind of concept/dilemma?” I’m sure I’ll come up with even more ideas off of that.

…

Surface Layer: A woman wakes up captive in a prison, and has no memory. In her escape attempt, she discovers an exact copy of herself.

Deeper Layer: The woman we’ve been following is the actual copy; the woman she discovers is the original who killed herself to be reborn through the Afterlife Protocol.

Major Reveal: Janice battles Null to the death, prompting Null to possess her. After Null possesses Janice, she discovers her past and reason for existing from living through the memories within Janice’s mind. Null is physically barred from escaping the prison, while Janice can walk free?

Influences Surface Story: Janice knows why she’s there, and has all of her memories to inform her journey. To ensure her victory, she hides key details and conspires with Calvex.

Hints: Janice is quick to kill an unknown but potential ally in their escape, and Null doesn’t know why, only to have Janice explain some of her backstory – this reveals Janice not only has her memories, but also introduces the possibility of someone not knowing if they’re a copy or not.

Changes Reality: The protagonist of this story is a puppet, and the antagonist is the “real” person with the familiar revenge plot.

…

Beginning: Null wakes up in purgatory and with no memory.

Inciting Incident: A mechanical arm attempts to put Null back to sleep, but Null escapes. She’s on the loose in the purgatory.

Turning Point 1: Calvex introduces Null to a copy of her, Janice. Null wakes up her copy.

Janice Midpoint: After killing herself, Janice wakes up, reborn, according to her plan. However, a second version of her was created as well, a version she’s told she must defeat in order to earn her second shot at life.

Act 2: Null and Janice fight their way out of the purgatory maze

Janice/Act 3: Janice works to manipulate and weaken Null. She tries to crush her will to live at every point.

Deeper Meaning: Janice is actually the original, and Null is the copy.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Janice betrays Null and tries to kill her, but Null sacrifices her body to possess Janice

Deeper Meaning: Null was meant to be a final sacrifice for Janice to reach her full potential, but Null possessing Janice wasn’t a part of the plan.

Janice Act 4 Climax: Janice goes on the warpath against the man who assaulted her and his gang.

Act 3: Null fights through Janice’s mind and uncovers the truth.

Deeper Meaning: Janice killed herself to come back stronger and exact vengeance on her former accomplices.

Turning Point 3: Null gains control of Janice’s body.

Act 4 Climax: Null and Janice fight for control during Janice’s raid on her former accomplices. Meanwhile, Calvex tries to reacquire them both due to Null’s escape.

Resolution: Janice is assimilated. Null wins and declares war on Calvex

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Structure

Vision: Write a movie that connects with audiences on a deep spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…An effective way of brainstorming your plot structure for a protagonist vs. antagonist story. Though there’re certain ideas that feel like they jive with your core concept, there’re plenty of other directions to take your story, especially as it relates to your antagonist’s arch.

…

Null

Beginning: Null wakes up in purgatory and with no memory.

Inciting Incident: A mechanical arm attempts to put Null back to sleep, but Null escapes. She’s on the loose in the purgatory.

Turning Point 1: Calvex introduces Null to a copy of her, Janice. Null wakes up her copy.

Act 2: Null and Janice fight their way out of the purgatory maze

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Janice betrays Null and tries to kill her, but Null sacrifices her body to possess Janice

Act 3: Null fights through Janice’s mind and uncovers the truth.

Turning Point 3: Null gains control of Janice’s body.

Act 4 Climax: Null and Janice fight for control during Janice’s raid on her former accomplices.

Resolution: Null wins and declares war on Calvex.

Janice

Beginning: She worked as a courier.

Inciting Incident: She’s assaulted and left for dead

Turning Point 1: She devises a plan to use the Afterlife Protocol to come back stronger and seek revenge.

Act 2: She works to come up with the savings to afford her afterlife until she has enough and…

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: She kills herself and is reborn, according to her plan. However, a second version of her was created as well, a version she’s told she must defeat in order to earn her second shot at life.

Act 3: Janice works to manipulate and weaken Null. She tries to crush her will to live at every point.

Turning Point 3: Null possesses Janice and shares her body and mind with her. Janice destroys Null’s body and escapes the test.

Act 4 Climax: Janice goes on the warpath against the man who assaulted her and his gang.

Resolution: Janice defeats the gang. Null assimilates with her?

or?…

Beginning: She worked with a team of mercenaries, filling in the role of a runner and tech specialist…

Inciting Incident: Until her squad betrays her. Until she betrays her squad after witnessing them commit war crimes

Turning Point 1: She robs them and uses the funds to be reborn through the afterlife protocol after killing herself. She robs a family or village and “…”

Act 2: She’s reborn into a techno purgatory where she must battle with a direct copy of herself.

Act 4 Climax: Janice and Null battle her former squad. Janice and Null battle each other in Janice’s mind. Janice and Null battle each other, still in purgatory, to the death.

Resolution: Janice is dead. Janice is assimilated. Janice wins. Janice and Null declare war on Calvex. Janice declares war on her former agency.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Supporting Characters

Vision: Write a movie that connects with audiences on a deep, spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…I really like this set up in that it gets right to the point of your supporting cast, and listing them out this way helps you find redundancies and whether the characters truly mesh or feel like they’re part of the same story. I’ll keep coming back to this throughout the outlining process to ensure everything fits into the place to create the most compelling story through a truly engaging cast of characters.

…

Supporting Characters: Calvex, The Assailant (Rob)

Background Characters: Robots and machines of the purgatory, the assailant’s fellow gang members, Janice’s family and friends

Support 1:

Name: Calvex

Role: AI in charge of the futuristic “Afterlife Protocol”

Main purpose: Tests Janice and Null to ensure the “best version” of Janice escapes to live in the real world

Value: His tests manufacture opposition for the two copies. He is both their only friend, shepherding them into a new life, but also the orchestrator of all Janice’s and Null’s tension.

Support 2:

Name: I don’t know…Rob.

Role: Gang member or Spec. Ops soldier that assaulted Janice

Main purpose: Send Janice on her revenge quest against him.

Value: Serves as Janice’s primary “wound.” Set up a final act where Janice and Null are put to the final test, outside of Calvex’s influence

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Profiles Part 2

Vision: Write a movie that connects with audiences on a deep, spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…taking all of the brainstorming so far, and compiling it into short beats. Even if many of the elements sound the same or fall along the same track, there’s still nuance created by examining those similarities through all the different elements. Values, Dilemma, and Subtext may say something similar, but the way each is written invites different scenes and unique ways these messages can be expressed.

…

Null

A. The High Concept: A woman wakes up in an AI generated purgatory with no memory of her past life, and must compete with an exact copy of herself to return to the world of the living.

B. This character’s journey: To go from a woman with no past or future to a fully fledged human being

C. The Actor Attractors for this character: Ability to play two different parts in one character, display a range of emotions between both characters, take part in never-before-seen action, create and perform a dramatic and active self-actualization, self-destruction, and self-healing in a never-before-seen way

1. Role in the Story: Protagonist

2. Age range and Description: 20’s, athletic, beautiful

3. Core Traits: compulsive liar, simple, earnest, self-sacrificing

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to escape purgatory/Needs to discover her worth

5. Wound: Has no memory/Is a means to an end (not a “real” person)

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

– Willing to sacrifice her success for others, keeps calm under pressure through humor, highly skilled, Never backs down

– Wants to prove herself, Needs to reconcile/rediscover her past, feels more like a pretender than an expert, in competition with the only person that can relate, Wants to escape, Wants to live.

– Forced into a situation she doesn’t want to be in, Her only ally is her worst enemy, Betrayed by those she trusted, Doesn’t want life to end

7. Character Subtext: Has no memory, but doesn’t want others to know that

8. Character Intrigue:

Unspoken Wound: Has no memory. Was made to be a means to someone else’s end.

Conspiracy: Prevent Janice from completing her quest.

Competition: Tries to win against Janice for the chance to live.

9. Flaw: Over-confidence and Leaps headfirst without thinking things through

10. Values: Honesty and Connection

11. Character Dilemma: Honesty versus Fabrication / Truth versus Fiction

Janice

A. The High Concept: After suffering a traumatic assault, a woman kills herself to be reborn through the futuristic “Afterlife Protocol” as a new and better person, so that she can seek vengeance on her assailant and never be hurt again.

B. This character’s journey: From possessed by her vision of vengeance to a healed and self-actualized human being.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character: Ability to play two different parts in one character, display a range of emotions between both characters, take part in never-before-seen action, create and perform a dramatic and active self-actualization, self-destruction, and self-healing in a never-before-seen way

1. Role in the Story: Antagonist

2. Age range and Description: 20’s, athletic, beautiful

3. Core Traits: Cagey, Sabatour, Vengeful, Poetic

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to render vengeance on her assailant/Needs to forgive herself and heal from her trauma

5. Wound: Was horrifically assaulted and took her life as a response so she could be stronger

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

– Polite, Poetic, Never backs down

– Has a past and wound that’s affecting her, Wants to change or be better than who she was

– Was gravely wronged, Committed suicide, Had strings attached to the deal she thought she was signing up for (From simply coming back as someone stronger to having to “test” to return to her life)

7. Character Subtext: Hiding the truth of Null’s existence from her

8. Character Intrigue:

Hidden Agenda/Conspiracy: Janice is going to kill Null to prove herself on her path to taking vengeance against her assailants.

Unspoken Wound/Secret Identity: Janice was brutally attacked and took her own life in order to use the “Afterlife Protocol” for her means of vengeance.

9. Flaw: Refuses help so she can have vengeance on her terms

10. Values: Self-Reliance and Determination

11. Character Dilemma: Vengeance versus Mercy

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Profiles Part 1

Vision: To write a movie that connects with audiences on a deep, spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…Much of this is a retread of the ProSeries, but sped up a bit; you don’t have time to think as much or get too much into your own head. In addition, nailing down the essentials while also trying to constrain the descriptions within each provides a clear birds eye view of your characters as real, believable people. They’re no longer shades of emotions or thematic tools, but start to move and behave in ways that you could see as human.

…

Null

A. The High Concept: A woman wakes up in an AI generated purgatory with no memory of her past life, and must compete with an exact copy of herself to return to the world of the living.

B. This character’s journey: To go from a woman with no past or future to a fully fledged human being

C. The Actor Attractors for this character: Ability to play two different parts in one character, display a range of emotions between both characters, take part in never-before-seen action, create and perform a dramatic and active self-actualization, self-destruction, and self-healing in a never-before-seen way

1. Role in the Story: Protagonist

2. Age range and Description: 20’s, athletic, beautiful

3. Core Traits: compulsive liar, simple, earnest, self-sacrificing

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to escape purgatory/Needs to discover her worth

5. Wound: Has no memory/Is a means to an end (not a “real” person)

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

– Willing to sacrifice her success for others, keeps calm under pressure through humor, highly skilled, Never backs down

– Wants to prove herself, Needs to reconcile/rediscover her past, feels more like a pretender than an expert, in competition with the only person that can relate, Wants to escape, Wants to live.

– Forced into a situation she doesn’t want to be in, Her only ally is her worst enemy, Betrayed by those she trusted, Doesn’t want life to end

Antagonist: Janice

A. The High Concept: After suffering a traumatic assault, a woman kills herself to be reborn through the futuristic “Afterlife Protocol” as a new and better person, so that she can seek vengeance on her assailant and never be hurt again.

B. This character’s journey: From possessed by her vision of vengeance to a healed and self-actualized human being.

C. The Actor Attractors for this character: Ability to play two different parts in one character, display a range of emotions between both characters, take part in never-before-seen action, create and perform a dramatic and active self-actualization, self-destruction, and self-healing in a never-before-seen way

1. Role in the Story: Antagonist

2. Age range and Description: 20’s, athletic, beautiful

3. Core Traits: Cagey, Sabatour, Vengeful, Poetic

4. Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to render vengeance on her assailant/Needs to forgive herself and heal from her trauma

5. Wound: Was horrifically assaulted and took her life as a response so she could be stronger

6. Likability, Relatability, Empathy:

– Polite, Poetic, Never backs down

– Has a past and wound that’s affecting her, Wants to change or be better than who she was

– Was gravely wronged, Committed suicide, Had strings attached to the deal she thought she was signing up for (From simply coming back as someone stronger to having to “test” to return to her life)

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy

Vision: Write a movie that connects with audiences on a deep, spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…Again, this is just so helpful for nailing down what makes your characters tick BEFORE you get into major outline decisions. I ran into this problem years ago when I first tried to retcon this story (because subsequent rewrites only led to more wordsmithing or minor changes, not fixing major concept/structural issues), and realized how important it was to figure out the likability and empathy of the character. Putting it through this triangle structure does help to make sure you’re creating a well rounded, versatile character, rather than just someone that you only empathize with but have nothing else in common with to draw you in; writing it down ensures you have a reference to go back to when you consider how this character would interact in the world.

…

Protagonist: Null

Likability: She’s skilled, she chooses to save her copy instead of killing her, she cracks jokes when under pressure, she’s nice

Relatability: We believe we would choose to save someone instead of leaving them to die, we’ve all been in situations where we didn’t know what’s going on, or felt more like pretenders than experts, we’ve had relations that take a turn for the worst

Empathy: She’s alone at first, doesn’t know what’s going on or why she died, her only ally is her worst enemy, she wants to escape, she wants life

Antagonist: Janice

Likability: She’s polite, skilled, smart, educated, poetic, philosophical

Relatability: We’ve had wrongs committed against us that we want reconciliation for, We’ve all been through difficult decisions where we chose a personal vision or ambition over someone else or we can relate to the difficulty of that choice if we chose a loved one or another over our own personal pursuits, Some of us have been suicidal, some of us have wanted to be born different or to change in major ways

Empathy: She’s been gravely wronged, she wants to be a stronger, better version of herself, she never wants to be hurt again, she wants to escape, she wants life

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Intrigue

Vision: Write a movie that connects with audiences on a deep spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…I really like Hal’s setup for this, in comparison to the ProSeries. In the ProSeries, we did all this character work AFTER the outlining portion. Getting a good chunk of these character attributes and micro-plots worked ahead of time can go a long way to making sure your story structure and outline is actually built to create more nuanced character interactions. Also learned, just like the last lesson, to work with what’s already in front of you first: Does one character operate from a superior position from another, Is there a certain role a character THINKS they play, but in actually they play a different role? How can those different power dynamics play out in intriguing a subversive ways?

Character Name: Null

Role: Protagonist

Hidden agendas: To keep her copy unaware of what’s happening, to stop her copy’s revenge quest

Competition: Only one may exit the labyrinthian prison Null and Janice woke up in. Therefore, Null must ensure she’s the one that survives, and leaves Janice behind.

Conspiracies: Null works with Calvex who’s overseeing the purgatory to plot a disaster/sabotage for Janice

Secrets: Null’s amnesia is a secret

Deception: Making Janice believe Null is the original. Making Janice believe she’s won/playing dead

Unspoken Wound: Null is just a copy to “test” the original; a sacrificial lamb on Janice’s revenge quest, which is why she wasn’t given any memories

Secret Identity: Null is the copy, but pretends she’s the original

…

Character Name: Janice

Role: Antagonist

Hidden agendas: Janice killed herself to reincarnate through the Afterlife Protocol as a “better” version of herself to exact revenge.

Competition: Only one is allowed to exit Calvex’s designed purgatory, so Janice has to compete for her new life with a copy that was designed to test her.

Conspiracies: Janice already has an arrangement with Calvex that Null is the one to be left behind, since Null is a redundant copy. Janice plots with Calvex to make her trip back to the real world easier, by having Null go through the hell that was designed for her.

Secrets: Janice has all of her memories, and knows that this is all part of her planned revenge tour to exact vengeance on her assailants.

Deception: Janice fills in wrong details of her past to throw Null off. Janice pretends to not know her own memories to give Null a false sense of confidence

Unspoken Wound: Janice was assaulted, and wants to be reborn in order to make it right, exacting vengeance and remaking herself so that she can never be hurt again

Secret Identity: Janice is the original and on a revenge quest, but pretends she’s just as lost as Null; a hapless victim in Calvex’s manufactured purgatory

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron’s Subtext Characters

Vision: Write a movie that connects with audiences on a deep spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…Keeping it simple and going with what makes sense is always a good place to start; find what you already have to work with, rather than stretch to find new components. Creating situations for your characters to engage in subtext may be easier to start with, rather than thinking about how my characters engage in subtext in any situation.

Movie Title: AFTERKNIFE (Working Title. May change it again.)

Character Name: Null

Subtext Identity: Amnesiac

Subtext Trait: feigns knowing more or less what’s going on, suspects and questions everyone, experiments, plays along, playful, overplays her lack of ability, constantly shifts the narrative to keep others off balance.

Subtext Logline: Null is an amnesiac that wakes up in a labyrinth with an exact duplicate of her.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Dives headfirst into action, Lies about her past to her copy, Improvises every situation like she knew it was going to happen. When Janice or Clavex correct her, she either doubles down on the lie or shifts and pretends to be testing them

Character Name: Janice

Subtext Identity: Revenge Minded

Subtext Trait: Lies, Compliments, Promises, belittles in the most personal way, quotes scripture/philosophy/famous quotes

Subtext Logline: Janice was brought back from the dead to kill her assailant, but she must defeat an exact duplicate of her

Possible Areas of Subtext: Putting Null into hostile situations to off her, Lying to Null about her intentions, using Janice’s real history to conflict with Null’s version, or to manipulate Null or demoralize her.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Actor Attractors!

Vision: To write an action movie that connects with audiences on a deep spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…How much more difficult it can be to truly make a great character. This is definitely a first draft, and what I think I really need to do is brainstorm as many different characteristics as I can play with to see what fits. Jules is an amazing character, and I remember 3:10 TO YUMA because of those characters, but the simplicity in which this assignment expresses them leads me to believe that I need to start “getting out of my comfort zone” and start making movie characters more than philosophical debates.

Protagonist/Antagonist: Null/Janice

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

Represent two different characters on screen, providing more opportunities for a dramatic range. Give a performance that symbolizes/platforms both our vengeful or vision-centric selves, as well as our open and innocent selves. Engage in never-before-seen action sequences that set the role and movie apart from the competition in the industry.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

One of the characters doesn’t know anything, while the other knows everything. Janice is on a revenge quest, while Null is in a mystery. Null, speaks with laconic wisdom, almost like how a child might view the world, whereas Janice is longwinded, quoting different philosophers and verses to justify her position. They both use mech-judo to take down targets; Null uses a soft style, like a mix of PaKua and Jiujitsu, while Janice is hard, like a mix of Muay Thai and Judo. Though Null is innocent, she is incredibly perceptive of her surroundings (she’s not attached to any memory), making her the smartest character in the room. Janice, meanwhile, is intensely focused on her quest. Null schemes her way out, while Janice is a one woman army, bulldozing her way through every obstacle.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?

Janice stabs Null in the back. Janice repeats the act of killing herself, but this time, the opposition is external. Null goes on a discovery to uncover and manage the worst parts of herself. Janice and Null, two sides of the same person, work together, fight each other, and end their arcs with actualizing into one whole person again. Janice and Null engage in sci-fi fight scenes with each other and with multiple obstacles. Null rescues Janice from being stuck in a vision of vengeance, allowing her to be a whole person.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

Right into the action, and pulling stunts that hasn’t been seen on the big screen yet, least of all by a female lead. No memory, but an unnatural level of combat capability (like a sci-fi version of Jason Bourne with a female lead).

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

It’s two characters in one. One side is vengeance, sorrow, self-destruction, and rage. The other side is innocence, intuition, grace, and precision.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Janice is operating from a vengeance quest mindset, but doesn’t include Null on the details, as that would tip her off to the plan to kill her so that Janice can escape. Null is innocent but not naive, though she feigns ignorance while keying in on the reason she and a copy of hers are there.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

Null and Janice’s relationship to each other are the most interesting because they’re the same person: two sides of the same coin. Janice likes what she sees in Null because she sees herself, but the uncanniness of an exact duplicate is jarring. The same could be said vice versa.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

Janice speaks with philosophical fervor, while Null speaks with a laconic bite.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

Similar to FIGHT CLUB, you have two people that represent two sides of the same person. The key difference is in the structure and the intent behind this structure. Where FIGHT CLUB hides the truth, and that’s the point of the story and it’s expressing of the human psyche, this story and the two characters at the center of it fully acknowledges that the two are the same person, and instead explores that angle of the human experience where we uncover, grapple with, and accept the worst parts of ourselves and the decisions our shadows made.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

What I learned doing this assignment is…What my plan of attack should be in building my network and developing my value as a professional writer. Hal did an amazing job going over this and expounding on LinkedIn throughout this course. My aversion to social media since the beginning of 2017 may have left me a bit crippled when knowing how to connect online. I have at least some understanding of online professional perception, and whenever I’m in doubt, I’ll refer to how current working professionals (in the screenwriting sphere) utilize their social media presence.

1. What is your speciality? Describe your expertise in that speciality in one or two sentences.

I write innovative, brutal action sequences in the framework of a structurally sound narrative that delivers on powerful themes. I’ve been writing action and poetry since I was 10 and I’ve been in martial arts since I was 9.

2. How many producers do you have in your LinkedIn Network?

Lol, none…Well…maybe I have one or two.

3. Looking at the list above titled “Increasing Your Perceived Value,” please tell us your plan for increasing your value in these three time frames:

A. Today

Kinda waiting another week on this one. I don’t want to remove all my work experience in the middle of interviewing for a promotion within the same company. After another week or two, I’ll look at whether to devote my profile to strictly screenwriting, or if it’s still advantageous in the short term to stick with “my day job” until I’ve done a couple assignments locally.

B. In the next 30 days

Doing what Hal showed in the video and connecting with producers on a daily basis. Eventually I may land on an opportunity.

C. In the next 6 months

Work with local producers on an assignment, build my confidence and experience, and keep trying to secure more bids to work with producers in bringing their vision to life on the screen.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin is a Note Taking Professional!

What I learned doing this assignment is…so much of this is keeping an open mind and staying confident in your creative abilities. What I may come up with may not be original in the moment, but give me time and I’ll throw something in there that differentiates it from the market. I mean, many of these skills were covered in the concept section of the ProSeries, and Module 1 of WIM. You have to believe there are many different ways to tell the same story.

Logline: An android quests to raise someone she killed back from the dead, but a copy of her, acting as her shadow/conscience, wants to murder and replace her.

Cut the budget in half.

Budget would be in ballpark of $40-$80mil. Wanting to cut it to under $10mil means I’d be cutting out much of the cast, centering more of the plot and world around the duality of the android and her copy, and cut the side plot of raising someone she killed from the dead. Where would the intrigue come from? We make the Copy the protagonist, the android (now resurrected cyborg) the antagonist, and we give memories to one and not the other so that there’s a mystery component where the Copy has to find out why she’s in the situation she’s in, not knowing she’s a copy, and the original knows where they are, has a dark past, and is plotting something.

Write it for a different audience (quadrant).

To change the audience from men <25 to men >25, I’d simply change the protagonist from a young woman to an older male. Some of the dialogue and metaphors may change, but the basic premise is still the same.

Double the conflict.

This is an action movie, so…uh…other than more action-y things…I can make a ticking clock mechanic that puts more pressure on the protagonist and antagonist, forcing them to engage in a more dramatic setting.

Change the sex and age of the lead character.

*See “Write it for a different audience”*

Change the genre.

I can make this a low budget horror by personifying the guilty conscience (currently what Copy alludes to figuratively) into a literal monster that hunts after the protagonist.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Actor Attractors for JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4 (Spoilers)

Vision: To write a movie that connects with audiences on a deep, spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…How to create complexity and differentiation between characters, even in the Action genre where the emphasis is on the action and not character deconstruction (though that does occur in CASINO ROYALE and THE DARK KNIGHT). I really wanted to add more characters and breakdowns, but I have to move on. The JOHN WICK series is a fun microcosm of intriguing characters that are all basically the same (a best of the best assassin), where the film makers have to find different and fun ways of having said characters stand apart and engage in cool sequences.

Movie Title: JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4

Lead Character Name: Caine

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role? Deliver a modern and more ruthless version of the blind swordsman trope for mainstream audiences.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie? Caine is an “old friend” of John’s, which at this point translates to “One of the best damn assassins on the planet, and one of the few that could possibly take out John Wick. Donnie Yen gets to showcase his martial arts skills as a blind man with a cane sword, demonstrate plenty of practical tactics a blind super assassin might use to take out as many targets as John Wick does.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie? Sword fights real-life samurai, Hiroyuki Sanada. Kills a whole lot of people to ensure his daughter’s safety, all while looking bored. Showcase a different fighting style from his other movies, and completely different from John Wick’s gun-Jitsu. Keep up the brand of being a total badass.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor? The emotional dilemma of keeping his daughter safe by killing his friend, the most dangerous assassin on the planet. Followed up by wiping out two dozen killers in the first scene with brutal efficiency.

5. What is this character’s emotional range? Doesn’t need to be profound for an action movie, but there’s enough with the anger and frustration over his past life dragging him back into the hell the he tried to leave, while also experiencing the satisfaction of being so good at what he does, it’s not even fair. Befriending and catching up with the man he’s been assigned to kill in the only way it could be, awkward and layered with subtext.

6. What subtext can the actor play? The subtext of being John’s friend, but in a position where he either has to kill him or allow his daughter to die. Caine is also friends with other assassins, and hates the man he’s forced to work for.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has? His relationship with the friends he has to kill to save his daughter. There’s a moment where he talks with Hiroyuki’s character, and encourages him to live so he can have what Caine’s lost for the time being. Caine also talks with the samurai’s daughter and makes sure she doesn’t give up what her father sacrificed for her.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented? He’s similar to John: caring for those he loves, ruthless killing machine, and seemingly past his prime, but unlike John there’s a different type of confidence. Whereas John is vengeful and angry, Caine is calculated and annoyed.

9. What makes this character special and unique? He’s just as good as John, despite being blind. His blindness allows for some Daredevil-esque action sequences where we see how a ruthless assassin might compensate for not being able to see his targets.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Decreased Budget

What I learned doing this assignment is…I’ve actually been doing this in the WIM course. My original script started with a budget of at least $100mil, because like the amateur I was I new guild minimum was about 3% of the budget, and selling a $100mil movie would set me up for life. Since then, I’ve looked at reducing the budget by half, and now I’m trying to reduce that same movie down to about $10 mil. Here’s how I’ve planned to do that…

1.

Locations: From multiple locations to ONE high-rise (possibly even ONE room)

Actors: From massive crowds to smaller ones to now having ONE actor on screen for most of the film.

Number of pages: The original was about 136. I’m working on getting that down to about 90.

Special effects and fight scenes: The action concept depends on special effects, but I’ll be looking at ways to not push the budget. Studying CARTEL 2045 may help, as they were able to get multiple robots and effects in a film that cost roughly $1mil to make. Looks like they copied and pasted the same design, so that’ll be a good place to start, rather than going balls to wall with crazy robot designs/descriptions.

Special sets: I’ve built plenty of sets before, so I know the budget. I just need to limit the design/descriptions. Also avoid water.

2.

I’m letting go of the “gladiator pit” and much of the final battle, particularly the invasion sequence. At the end of the day, this story is about duality of the self; that’s what makes it unique and draws me back to it. Shifting focus away from world-building and massive stakes, and toward more intimate goals and the essence of who we are will be more true to the themes I’m wanting to touch on, and help reduce the budget by close to 90%. Right now, it’s tough to pinpoint exactly how I’ll be replacing certain scenes, because so much has to change with the exception of a few core ideas. But I’m confident that I can write the story I want without a LORD OF THE RINGS budget (I’ll try to include a treatment when I have time to fill in the details).

(Side note: You can make a low budget concept stupidly expensive. I still have no freaking clue how 65 was shot with a production budget of $90mil. Either that’s being misreported or that’s the biggest waste of money I’ve ever seen, especially when you have films like CARTEL 2045, UPGRADE, and the multitude of movies made by The Asylum that were shot for less than $5mil.)

[Cameron Martin]

I’m ready to move on to the second interview process. Had something come up this past week, so I didn’t have time to rework my concept and treatment into something low budget. We’re just going to pretend I’m made of money for my Sci-Fi/Action melodrama, contemplating the existential nature of being human.

I specialize in action concepts, but have the skills and knowledge to work with thrillers and horrors as well.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Rewrite of Renee’s Treatment

What I learned doing this assignment is…Get constant feedback; you’re not going to know the vision after one quick phone call. I can definitely understand Hal’s point about not taking the producer’s “go out and write it” at face value. Given enough time, you’re going to have a script that may be well off mark from what the producer wanted. Now, I’m going to take a shower and forget I ever came up with some of these Horror ideas.

P.S. I’m sorry Renee if I butchered your vision. I was just trying to fill in more of the second act and meet the Horror conventions.

Concept: A woman awakens from a coma with no memory of her past life must remember who she is to learn the truth about the man who claims to be her husband before she loses her life.

Treatment

LORENA is having an affair! Though, her reclusive husband, JOHN, is worth billions and has bought everything she could want, there’s one thing she needs that he’s never offered – The feeling that she’s her own person. Unknown to her, the man she’s sleeping with, OSCAR, is a monster! So, while she’s ready to leave him and return to her pampered life as John’s trophy wife…

Oscar wants to add her to his collection!

Tucked away on the island John owns, Lorena watches herself become isolated in her own way. The wait staff blend in with the background of a never ending sabbatical. Even when she does join her friends on the mainland, she can’t relate to the hustle and bustle of their married lives; and how can she stand the pedestal they put her on for “winning the jackpot” in John. No kids, no chores, and everything they could ask for – it’s like some romance novel that Lorena can never escape from.

Shaking her from the daze of praise, one of her friends points out a shady man watching them. “Oh my God,” Lorena thinks – It’s Oscar! She decides to liven up the afternoon with a confession that she and Oscar have been seeing each other. She deals the final blow when she walks over to Oscar and asks him to escort her out. Once they’re out of sight, Lorena, laughing from the faces of her friends, dismisses Oscar. She turns, and a syringe stabs the back of her neck, and she falls unconscious!

When she comes to, several months have passed, and what’s worse is that Lorena can’t remember her name or any of her past life! She’s about to go into a panic, when strong, steady hands pull her into an embrace. His voice is so calm and reassuring that Lorena just melts in his arms.

—“I’m your husband,” says Oscar!

Lorena gets dressed, but something doesn’t feel right. Besides the strange bruises she finds on her arms and legs, flashes from her former life tell her that the house is…off. Why do all the wait staff look just like her? In fact, why did she wake up with a hair color that was not her natural color? Where are the phones, and why doesn’t her husband seems to know where things are in his own house? She desperately wants to go to the mainland, but Oscar insists that she’s not well enough to go. She screams at him that she’s going anyway, but he knocks her out cold!

Lorena wakes up with more memories coming back to her and knows something is very wrong. Oscar apologizes for hitting her, before he leaves for the mainland. Once he leaves, Lorena explores the house for anything that will help her put together the pieces of her former life. She inquires with the wait staff, but she’s answered with unnatural, robotic stares. It’s like they want to help her, but they’re programmed to stay silent…and watch Lorena’s every move!

Lorena finds the basement…and John’s body lying in the middle of it. The pieces are starting to come together, just as one of the wait staff stuffs a bag over Lorena’s head!

Lorena’s brought, kicking and screaming, by four other women into the living room, where Oscar is waiting! She’s tied down to a chair, while Oscar scorns her for not trusting him. He wanted Lorena to be different, to “train her” differently from the others. But now that she knows the truth, he’ll have to resort to the “easier process.” Lorena jeers him, but Oscar responds with a demonstration: At his request, a “wife” cuts her own wrist before taking an iron from the fireplace and branding an “O” on Lorena’s neck. Meanwhile, Oscar invites his three remaining “wives” to bed with him. Lorena fights her hysteria, knowing she has to get out, as the woman who branded her collapses to the floor, still smiling, begging for help.

The next day, Lorena’s brought to Oscar, dressed up like a Barbie doll. Oscar wraps up with a phone call and tucks his phone into his pocket. Oscar begins his process, claiming to have learned and developed it in the special forces for the purpose of breaking and brainwashing enemy combatants. Lorena bears the pain, keeping her focus on the phone…and pickpockets it from Oscar! At the first chance, she runs and hides. While the “wives” and Oscar look for her, she dials “9-1-1” on Oscar’s phone. The receptionist asks for her location, but as soon as Lorena tells her, the operator tells her “this isn’t a line for prank calls,” and hangs up! Lorena calls another number, one of her friends, SYBIL. “This isn’t funny, Lorrie,” Sybil tells her before she hangs up. Lorena, desperate, calls back. As Sybil is giving Lorena an earful, Lorena is discovered, and dragged away by the wives.

While Lorena holds on through her “punishment,” Oscar’s phone rings! It’s Sybil, letting Oscar know that she’s on her way. In fact, she’s already at the dock! What she doesn’t know, is that Oscar already knew she was coming!

She’s pounced on and taken to Oscar, who shows Sybil pictures of HER family in HIS phone. He tells her to call her husband and tell him that she’ll be spending the night with “John,” and that there will be a large sum of “hush money” deposited into his account in the morning. Sybil fights back tears as her husband tells her he doesn’t want the money, he wants her to come home, and promising to do whatever it takes to make her happy. She’s forced to tell him goodbye, and Oscar begins his work. Lorena watches as Sybil, desperate to protect her family, is turned into a mindless slave for Oscar.

Lorena needs a new plan. She can’t resist forever. It’s late at night, when she’s locked in her room with a rotating shift of “wives” to watch over her. She pleads with the wife to let her go and get help. But the wife responds by getting up and grabbing a rag to tie around Lorena’s mouth! When the moment’s right, Lorena snaps her trap and pulls the wife down! Lorena head-butts her. It leaves her dazed and bleeding, but she fights through the ringing pain and ties up the wife. The door to her room opens as the next wife enters. Lorena makes a break for it, charging past the other wife and toward the front door…

And trips over a line of wire!

She falls down hard, and crawls to hide from the now very awake Oscar and his squad of wives. She grabs a knife and creeps her way to the door. As soon as it’s open, she’s fleeing for her life…With Oscar right on her tail!

He tackles her to the floor. Out of nowhere, her two dobermans bolt toward the scuffle and bury their teeth into Oscar.

Lorena gets up and takes off for the boat. She starts the engine and just as she’s distancing herself from the dock, Oscar jumps in, with one of the now dead dobermans still in his hand. She charges him, but Oscar takes Lorena by the hair, lifting her off the boat. Lorena pulls out her knife and stabs Oscar in the neck. He drops Lorena to the floor, and she kicks him with all her strength, pushing him off the boat.

One year later, she receives thanks from Sybil in an office. As Sybil leaves, reunited with her family, a new missing person’s case lands on Lorena’s desk, and on the front of her door reads, “Lorrie Lagrange: Private Investigator.”

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Genre Conventions

Vision: Write a story – scratch that – write a movie that connects with audiences on a deep, spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

(TL/DR: Original concept’s too expensive for the market I’d have access to. Brainstorming a new concept based on what’s been developed so far, so efforts are focused on writing a business minded screenplay. Having a better understanding of genre conventions and taking them seriously enough to specialize in one helps to hone the writing effort into something producers can trust beyond simply the quality of the writing. I want to market myself as an action writer with a sci-fi edge at times, so those conventions are what I need to emphasize the most.)

What I learned doing this assignment is…Real quick, I had an epiphany yesterday since the mastery call and realized THE BATMAN is not an action movie first. I mean, it has action in it, and the major genre it most closely falls under is action, but the heart beat of any good Batman movie is its detective story. BATMAN BEGINS is a bit of an exception as a globe trotting adventure, but the title lets the writer, producer, and distribution get away with more than if it were BILLIONAIRE EMO VIGILANTE BEGINS. So when I look instead at new IP (JOHN WICK, NOBODY, DRAGON, THE HITMAN’S BODYGUARD, TOP GUN, 65, THE MATRIX), what is the heartbeat of those movies? It’s the action. Some have sub-genres attached (DRAGON has a detective story, THE HITMAN’S BODYGUARD is also a comedy), but at their core they’re action movies first, and everything else is an extension (random thought, but THE RAID and THE RAID 2 are probably better examples of recent martial arts action movies to reference). All of that said, I continue to go back to my concept, how it’s changed since I first started workshopping a cyberpunk action noir back in 2014, where it is today, and finally asking the right question: Do I want to write a movie, or a novel? I mean, sure. I can adapt my script into a novel, no problem. But that’s not the point. My script shouldn’t serve as an outline for an expanded novel, and I should be trying to write something that is…well…affordable to most producers. That means writing a two hour narrative plot (not a philosophical debate), with a max budget of 10mil. I’ve trimmed a lot of fat from that original script way back when for this concept, but it’s still not “a movie.” What I need to do is draw a line in the sand here and not just “write a story that connects with audiences on a deep, spiritual level,” but “write a movie.” Hopefully I can still weave a theme through the action that is inspired and connects with *viewers* (reference THE MATRIX for revolutionizing the action genre by complimenting its wire-fu and special effects with its themes of reality; both support and give an excuse for the other to exist in the film), but for the sake of having this script produced in the first place, it must first honor the conventions.

Okay, self ridicule aside, there is still a place for my original concept as a Sci-Fi with action, just not the other way around (at least not with an ending that focuses so heavily on forgiveness and healing). Action at it’s core is power fantasy, while Sci-Fi can be more explorative. However, the second part of that discussion still comes down to budget and what’s producible. I took UPGRADE (3 mil budget) and CARTEL 2045 (1 mil budget) as references for very low budget sci-fi action movies to get an idea of what we’re shooting for special effects and setting wise. I’d like to use 65 for reference, but somehow the makers of that film found a way to spend 90 mil on a contained movie with only five actors and fake dinosaurs. The lesson is you can make what should be an inexpensive film really expensive, but you can’t make an expensive treatment cheap. Anyways, I’m reworking my concept to cut the budget as much as possible, while keeping the core action and conceptual elements that drew me to this in the first place. This is what I have so far, but I’ll keep brainstorming each element. I still hope to write the original concept as a novel or a long-form narrative poem. We’ll see.

__________

For reference:

STAR WARS

“Magic” mechanics – The Force

Allows – manipulation of physical objects and the minds of weak. Can use intuition with pinpoint accuracy, because everything is connected with The Force

THE MATRIX

“Magic” mechanics – Artificial reality through a computer program

Allows – anything to happen, depending on the belief and skill of The One

AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER

“Magic” mechanics – Bending the elements, The spirit world

Allows – manipulation of fire, water, air, and earth, depending on the practioner

(Note: There is ONE magic mechanic for each of these IP. The only exception is AVATAR, but that second mechanic is abandoned as a plot component after season 1, and is only referenced to from then on. Also worth noting that AVATAR is a tv series, and that it could afford a season with two mechanics before honing in on one for what came to be a MUCH better 2nd and 3rd season. The bottom line, is that you only get one magic mechanic. You can do a lot with it, but there are limits. Leia surviving in the vacuum of space because “the force” is a betrayal of the established mechanics of what the force can reasonably do. There still have to be some limits. Only Neo, The One, can manipulate The Matrix to the degree that he can, though this did lead to the Wachowzkis writing themselves into a corner and thus introducing new mechanics that overcomplicated the narrative for most audiences.)

__________

Streamlining Workshop…

What I like and want to keep: Action of “possessing” machines, the duality of the protagonist against herself (a visual depiction of inner-voice versus self),

What’s redundant: Judeo-Christian iconography and concepts

What can be recycled for a later project: Adam as a digital deity in rebellion with his creator, an augmentation that allows vocal dominance over mechanized beasts

“Magic” mechanic – computer virus implant

Allows – hacking any machine, copying oneself

(Note: just keep repeating to myself, “this is a movie,” not the Silmarillion or The Chronicles of Narnia. Yes I know Narnia was made into a movie, but be honest with yourself; you know that thing would’ve never gotten off the ground if it weren’t first and foremost a successful novel for kids.)

World – a techno-purgatory

Question: Why does it exist?

Answer:

A rogue AI made it
It’s a military prison
It’s a simulation designed to preserve human life

It’s a means for people to hit the restart button and become someone else

Why is the woman there?

She killed herself so she could come back as a new and better person. But the AI interpreting her request malfunctioned and created two of her, both with augmentations, and only the “best” version can escape.

__________

Title:

AFTERKNIFE

Concept (Revised):

• A young woman wakes up and is in the fight of her life – an android copy of her wants to pressure her to kill herself.
• A young woman wakes up and before she can respond, she’s in the fight of her life, not realizing that she’s dead, is in a technological purgatory, and that she killed herself to get there, and an artificial copy of her is fighting to replace her.
• A woman who’s killed herself fights for the chance to come back to life – her most dangerous opponent is another, better version of herself and one only of them can come back.

Genre:

• Action/Sci-Fi

Purpose:

• Keep the audience on the edge of their seats through fast-paced, aggressive, and brutal action, as they watch someone rediscover their worth.

Demand for Action:

• An AI tests the young woman in a series of trials that reflect her mistakes, ultimately culminating in a reflection of her suicide, where she must battle a hundred copies of herself.
• An AI fulfills its client’s request to be reborn “better” by subjecting her to a death match with herself

Mission:

• To discover where she is, why she’s there, and whether she can move past her old life and discover a new one, by physically overcoming her greatest past traumas.
• To return back to life.
• To escape her purgatory prison

Escalating Action:

• Bigger and badder machines
• More challenging obstacles
• Loss of augmentation
• Psychological manipulation
• AI changing the stakes
• From Training to the real world

Hero:

• Though having no memory of her past, she is highly skilled and augmented with the ability to copy herself and control any machine…like a computer virus

Antagonist:

• A glitched copy of the young woman that wants to murder and replace her.
  An AI that subjects her to past trauma and a death battle with herself to decide if she came back “better.”

__________

Main Conflict:

The AI’s trials, and her own copy’s desire to live

Old Ways:

A nobody (no sense of self), runs from danger, follows blindly, doesn’t believe in anything

New Ways:

A survivor (knows her past), runs toward danger, trusts herself, believes in a higher calling

__________

Act 1:

• Opening: A no-name wakes up — and is in the fight for her life! Before she has time to breathe, anthropomorphic robots are trying to kill her while she’s still strapped in her bed. She finds that she has an augmentation that allows her to cut through her straps and “possess” the machines by having their exoskeleton wrap around her. Where is she and what the hell is this ability.
• Inciting Incident: The woman leaves the room and starts the trial. She must discover who she is and why she’s in a prison.
• Turning Point: An AI tells her that she must free her copy in order to escape – it’s a lie, though. The unnamed woman frees her copy.

Act 2:

• New plan: Rely on her copy to lead the way.
• Plan in action: The copy of her tries to kill the woman /or/ The copy is unsuccessful against a new machine obstacle, requiring the no-name to get involved.
• Midpoint Turning Point: They reach the end – but the copy turns on the no-name, leaving her for dead /or/ The no-name gets her memories back – and realizes she’s there because she killed herself to be reborn “better”

Act 3:

• Rethink everything: The no-name assesses her memories in virtual, piecing together her past /or/ The no-name is in competition with her copy, and fights her to survive
• New plan: Lure her copy into a trap /or/ Copy herself repeatedly /or/ Possess her copy to assimilate
• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: The copy wins and kills the no-name/herself again, and walks free into the new world

Act 4:

• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: The no-name has successfully possessed her copy, creating a split personality in the host.

  The two fight with each other, one trying to prevent the other from exacting revenge? Was there a reason besides vanity to come back “better” (Second layer, the original wanted to come back better to seek vengeance?)

• Resolution: The no-name assumes total control of the host. The original got her wish to come back better as a new person.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s 4 Act Transformational Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is…1. Don’t have everything hinge on a first act. 2. Be willing to throw out all prior notions, especially when working with a rewrite of a previous script, in order to create a better structure. In addition, nailing down the objective “ways” a character inhabits their world goes a long way to condensing your story into something that resembles a visual narrative. I think one of the big issues I’ve continued to struggle with in this story is the balance between allegory and character driven story. While I think this structure helps to further solidify details into a coherent plot, I’ll want to refer back from time to time and pinpoint areas where the story is either vague or is dragged down by an inefficient exposition dump, doesn’t deliver on the concept, or where the budget can be reduced even more.

(Side Note: I need to take some time one day to workshop these names and people. Right now, there’re still a lot of references to old ideas that are no longer relevant to this version of the story)

Concept: A sci-fi retelling of Dante’s Inferno, where an android quests to raise someone she killed back from the dead as an act of redemption, but her copy acting as her shadow/conscience wants to murder and replace her as an act of justice.

Main Conflict: Both her creator and her copy want her dead, and employ both psychological and physical means to destroy her. Janus must find a way to raise someone from the dead before they do.

Old Ways:

1. Janus’ identity is as a child of Adam.

2. Janus violently stabs and possesses machines to control them.

3. Janus fights for the system.

4. Janus believes she can handle anything on her own.

New Ways:

1. Janus’ new identity is as a new Adam.

2. Janus uses Calvex’s voice to tame machines.

3. Janus fights against the system.

4. Janus knows she’s not enough and relies on others.

Act 1:

Opening: Through the eyes of a young boy, Pan, we see the organization of a world divided between the upper floors, Eden, and the lower floors, Styx, with an AI creator and his “children” ruling all of it. Janus, one of these children, helps the boy by turning him over to Adam and admitting him through the Afterlife Protocol.

Inciting Incident: Janus competes in a rite to serve as Adam’s right hand. She wins and is invited to discover a new power that will make her like Adam.

Turning Point: Janus learns how to physically duplicate herself, but it comes at the price of deleting a consciousness to use their body; Pan is deleted from the system. Janus has just killed someone.

Act 2:

New plan: Janus lies to her newly created copy about her origin, and makes a plan to waltz into Styx, the place she’s been at war with since she was created, and resurrect Pan, circumventing Adam’s world order.

Plan in action: Janus and copy are successful against a giant mechanical beast, but Adam soon stops and traps them in Styx. Meanwhile, Adam’s internal conflict about whether or not to free Janus manifests into his splitting into two versions: One that wants to stop, and one that is convicted in his vision. The convicted Adam kills his other half.

Midpoint Turning Point: Janus is ripped apart, and comes back as a decrepit, rusty anthropomorphic droid, and must rely on a robot shepherd named Calvex to escape.

Act 3:

Rethink everything: Janus is still on the same quest, but relies on Calvex more and more. Meanwhile, Adam and Copy form a plan in secret to delete Janus and place Copy in as the new right hand.

New plan: Janus uses a modified voice box to tame mechanical beasts on her way to the bottom floor.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Janus discovers a graveyard of mech-sentries, and Copy uses them to subdue Janus and convince her her suicide herself. Calvex sacrifices his life and inspires Janus to heal herself and her copy, allowing the two to merge again. In response, Adam begins to destroy his world so he can start over.

Act 4:

New Plan: Janus organizes Styx to storm Eden.

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Janus tries to stop Adam, but he’s too far gone to listen. Janus sacrifices herself to combine with and replace Adam’s broken code.

Resolution: A new Adam rebuilds Pan and frees his world to join a larger one, revealing that the world we’ve seen was just a building in the middle of a city on a different planet.

[Cameron Martin]

Followup after the Mastery call: My ending does not honor the genre conventions, or at least it’s extremely risky to those who go into an action movie. Haven’t and don’t even need to read lesson 6 to know that. Another issue is that in trying to bridge so many theological concepts into a technological reality, I may have made the world as complex as the biblical concepts that inspired it, never mind that these concepts were developed over several thousand years, often borrowing from vastly different religions, and that you need a strong background in these subject matters to catch all of the references. I need to go back, isolate each mechanic, and maybe break it down to 1 or 2 total in this script; Or at least they have to complement and serve as extensions to each other. Off the top of my head, I think I may have 5 different magic/sci-fi mechanics in play. There’s a reason Avatar: The Last Airbender moved away from their heavy emphasis on the sprit world after season one, and just focused on the one mechanic of bending itself (the whole reason the show got made). I should learn from the show runner’s example, and simplify this narrative into what it’s supposed to be (an Action movie) and build in themes afterwards, not the other way around.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Fantastic Treatment

What I learned doing this assignment is…writing a treatment is hard. At the same time, I think some of the challenge is that 1. This is my own work, and 2. This is the most challenging story I’ve written. Life is busy right now, so I have to move on, but if I were to go through a few more rewrites of this, I think I would focus on the ending and emphasize the business decisions more. I think I’ve established some high concept action, though I could expand upon the details some. I think a good exercise to further develop this skill is to write a treatment for other successful films in my chosen genre, like JOHN WICK, THE MATRIX, and AVENGERS.

Title: EDEN FALL (Still workshopping the title)

Genre: Sci-Fi/Action

Logline: An android quests for redemption to raise someone she killed back from the dead, but her copy acting as her shadow/conscience wants to murder and replace her as an act of justice.

Treatment…

A young boy runs for his life. Behind him, a massive mechanical monster chases after him. He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. All he knows is that his parents have led him to this point…and are gone; now he’s next. At an unmarked grave, just as he utters a final prayer, a young, headstrong girl leaps in to rescue him. She wields powers that allow her to possess the machines like a ghost, and uses her ability to save the young boy, Pan. The girl, Janus, guides Pan up to her home in “Eden.” There, high above the lower floors (the Underworld) that he came from, he meets the creator of this world, a digital artificial intelligence named Adam, who gives him access to The Afterlife Protocol, ensuring him eternal life.

Years later, Janus is furthering her development into becoming a next generation “guardian angel.” She is told that because she is “made in Adam’s image,” she has the ability to copy herself or self replicate. Pan is also brought to this demonstration. However, Janus never asks what the catch is with her new power. She creates another version of herself, but uses Pan’s body as a vessel for her duplicate consciousness, resulting is Pan’s deletion. In Eden, nothing dies. Pan’s death hits Janus hard, and she refuses to believe she can’t save him again. Janus hides the truth of her copy’s creation from her, and asks for her help in venturing down into the underworld to resurrect Pan, using the source code at the bottom 9th floor.

As Janus and Copy make their way to the underworld, Adam attempts to stop them. Adam doesn’t tell them why, and insists they simply trust them. Janus, convicted in her quest, runs from Adam, taking a confused Copy with her. Losing his prize guardian Angel, Adam splits into two copies of himself, one that wants to allow “the truth” to be told and to empathize with Janus’ position, and another version that is committed to the vision of a paradise and wants Janus stopped before she can compromise it. The two versions of Adam fight to the death, with the one committed to his ambition succeeding. This new Adam consorts with a group in the underworld, and convinces them to hunt Janus and her copy down.

Upon entering the underworld, Janus and Copy come into contact with the underworld’s own guardian, in the form of a three headed mechanized reaper. As soon as the two defeat the reaper, they’re ambushed and taken captive by a band of slavers, and brought to a gladiatorial pit. Not all hope is lost, however, as they encounter a mute who conceives a plan of escape. Copy is untrusting of following anyone from the underworld, however, and Janus’ reliance on this mute forms a schism between the two versions. The mute’s plan almost works when Janus returns his “voice” to him, but Adam brings down an army of machines onto the pit and wreaks havoc. Janus is torn apart, but discovers that she can dictate where and how she reincarnates through the Afterlife Protocol. In an effort to prevent another accidental death, her consciousness bonds with an empty, robotic shell; she forgoes her angelic figure or any other powerful form for a decrepit droid. Calvex’s voice allows him to command any machine, and with his help, Copy and Janus escape from the pit.

The peace doesn’t last long, as Copy grows more distrusting of Janus, and seeks out Adam, who reveals the truth of her creation and Janus’ murder. Copy asks to return to Eden in exchange for helping Adam in a plot to permanently end Janus. Meanwhile, Janus learns from Calvex and his community on how he controls and “shepherds” the mechanical beasts by healing and reworking their code. Janus asks if Calvex can join her in trying to resurrect her friend. When the three make it to the 9th bottom floor, they find the remains of a battle with the corpses of hundreds of mech-warriors stacked into piles. Here, Adam and Copy spring their trap, with Copy duplicating herself over and over and subduing Janus, convincing her to delete herself. Calvex sacrifices himself to save her, and Janus uses what he taught her to heal both herself and Copy, and merge with her counterpart in self actualization.

Adam threatens to flood the world and start again, and Janus gathers the forces of the underworld to rise up against Adam. Janus is almost victorious, until Adam begins to destroy his creation by duplicating and possessing everyone. Janus tries to heal Adam in the same way she healed herself, but Adam is too far gone and refuses to change. In a last ditch attempt, Janus unites her code with Adam; she sacrifices herself to fill in all the parts that Adam erased from himself. In doing so, she creates a new Adam. Upon seeing the damage done, this new Adam frees his source code and rebuilds Pan and Calvex, and opens up his world to reveal that it was a trap: a gargantuan, though single, high rise in the middle of a city on another planet. The people of Eden and the underworld are freed to explore a universe that is more massive than any of them dreamed.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Subtext Plot

Vision: To write a story that connects with audiences on a deep, spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…I never thought about structuring subtext plots like this. I know my writing tends to have layers of thematic or metaphorical subtext, but they tend to get too confusing. This is a really simple tool to organize your story’s literary layers in a way that makes sense to the reader, and allow the thematic subtext to permeate the script without resorting to longwinded exposition. I brainstormed a bit with all of them. I was surprised by the results of a couple plots I didn’t think would work. I’ll try to maintain an open mind and refer back to this throughout the outlining process to create a story ripe with conflict that the audience can follow from a narrative point of view, and extrapolate deeper meaning on their own.

Concept: A sci-fi retelling of Dante’s Inferno, where an android quests to raise someone she killed back from the dead, while her copy acting as her shadow/conscience wants to murder and replace her as an act of justice.

Subtext plots:

Scheme and Investigation

Janus’ shadow is trying to uncover her origin, but Janus is hiding her past and the event that both created her shadow/copy and killed her friend.

Layering

The biblically inspired world that we see is a farce and only a tiny part of a vast universe of potential

Someone Hides Who They Are

Janus and Calvex hide their power. Janus assumes the part of a broken down robot. Calvex never shows that he can control any machine with his voice, unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Adam hides his “godhood” from others, or hides the secret that he’s a lesser version of himself who made the world

The Fish Out of Water

Janus is from “heaven” (so to speak) and interacts with citizens and denizens from the underworld

Superior Position

Copy wants to kill Janus and is plotting with Adam, but while the audience is privy to this, Janus doesn’t know.

Adam copies/splits himself when in a moral conflict, and kills the weaker version. He’s a warning of what Janus will become.

A Major Cover Up

Like a cult leader or an autocrat, Adam hides the real world from his followers and practitioners in his world, so that they don’t know they’re in a make believe reality.

Adam’s first split/source code is located in the “9th circle.” Janus’ quest to use the underworld’s source code to raise her friend will also raise a second Adam.

Competitive Agendas

On the surface, Copy is helping Janus and they’re working together. Below the surface, Copy is planning to betray Janus, and Janus is planning to assimilate with/delete Copy.

[Cameron Martin]

(Revised)

Subtext Plots

Scheme and Investigation

Janice is hiding the dark past and secret she knows from her copy that’s trying to find out her origins and why she’s dead or died and is born again.

Layering

Null is in the middle of a plot set by Janice to exact vengeance on her attackers, and she’s just one more test created by Calvex to ensure Janice meets her goal.

Competitive Agendas

On the surface – Two versions working together with Calvex’s aid

Beneath the surface – Two versions working to outwit and destroy each other, scheming with Calvex behind the other’s back

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Transformational Journey

Vision: To write a story that connects with audiences on a deep spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…organizing my thoughts. I know what I want the journey to be and to *feel* like. Putting it into words helps narrow the focus for future reference. “This is what I want my character to be.” I reserve the right to change anything later in the process, but having a designated point in the brainstorming/outlining process helps to make adjustments for necessary major fixes in the story.

1. Tell us the Character Arc for your Protagonist:

Arc Beginning: headstrong and naive “demi-god” android

Arc Ending: meek, self-sacrificing savior

2. Give us their Internal/External Journey.

Internal Journey: From believing based on what she’s told to believing based on how she acts.

External Journey: From the right hand of a digital god to a meek, self-sacrificing girl

3. Tell us their Old Ways at the beginning of the movie and their New Ways at the end.

Old Ways: Naive, Reckless, and Headstrong. Believes only because she’s been told what to believe. Possesses machines by literally and violently assuming control over them. Fragile ego that, when broken, cascades her into a well of self-doubt and destruction

New Ways: Wise, Humble, and Gentle. Believes because her actions represented in others informs her belief. Communes with machines, allowing them freedom. No ego, but totally convicted in self-belief that she can do good by laying herself down for others.

[Cameron Martin]

(Revised)

Arc Beginning: Amnesiac cyborg that just wants to live

Arc Ending: Self-Assured cyborg that sacrifices herself for others

Internal Journey: From having no memory or sense of self to knowing her past and who she wants to be at her core

External Journey: From inside a techno-purgatory to the real world…through countless bodies of death robots and her original copy

Old Ways: Reckless in combat but timid with decisions, low self confidence and follows others, even if she doesn’t think it’s right.

New Ways: Precise in combat and confident with her choices, high self esteem and will do what’s right, even if it costs her.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Synopsis for Producer Interview

Title: ALL GODS BLEED

Genre: Action/Sci-Fi

Logline: An android quests to raise someone she killed back from the dead, but her copy acting as her conscience wants to murder and replace her.

Synopsis:

In an undisclosed point in the future, a young boy, Pan, runs from a mechanical monster. Through his eyes, we meet Janus and learn about the world and what’s going on: that Pan is from “The Underworld,” where people augment themselves to stay alive, and is trying to get to “Arcadia” where people are reincarnated into robotic angels through a program called “The After Life Protocol.” Janus and the mechanical monsters are guardians of Arcadia, with Janus being created in the image of Adam, an AI computer program. Pan is given access into this heavenly realm and becomes a good friend of Janus.

Years Later, Adam offers Janus the opportunity to develop a new ability: to replicate herself. The catch, which she doesn’t understand until it’s too late, is that the host she uses to copy herself with will die without being reincarnated. In creating her copy, Janus kills Pan. This leads her to formulate a plan with her copy to travel to the underworld and manually rewrite Pan’s code to resurrect him. However, Adam doesn’t want Janus to go to the underworld, or to circumvent his world order.

Adam conspires with a group of slavers in the underworld to capture Janus and her copy. The slavers take the two, Janus and Copy, to a gladiatorial stadium. There they meet a mute who communicates with them non-verbally, and while Copy is hesitant to trust and underworlder, the three agree on an escape plan that involves reacquiring the mute’s voice.

Meanwhile, Adam is in conflict with himself, and it manifests into him replicating himself: One version that is committed to Janus’ destruction, and one who is forgiving. The two versions fight to the death, with the committed and vengeful version winning.

Janus, Copy, and the mute compete in the arena. Just as they acquire the mute’s “voice” an army of Adam’s guardian’s descend to lay waste. Janus is caught in the crossfire and torn apart. But, because she is a child of Adam and created in his image, she finds she is able to choose how and whom to reincarnate as. She comes back into a hollow robotic shell, so that she doesn’t risk deleting anyone else from existence. The mute, who introduces himself as Calvex, plugs in his “voice,” which is an augmentation that allows him to commune with and control machines. Janus, her copy, and Calvex escape.

As Adam grows more determined and wrathful, going so far as to murder another child of his (like Janus), Copy is growing more distrustful of Janus’ intentions and challenges her on her belief in her mission. To Copy, this is no longer about resurrecting a friend; this is avoiding justice and a punishment that Janus deserves. Copy reaches out/prays to Adam for help in rendering justice upon Janus. While, a conspiracy is forming behind Janus’ back, Calvex is teaching Janus the secret to his augmentation. Similar to her ability to replicate and possess machines against their will, Calvex has found a way to create and repair code in the machines, taming and healing them.

At the lowest point of the underworld, Janus finds the source code for Pan, but also finds the remains of a great battle that was fought, with the corpses of hundreds of robotic guardian angels. Here, Adam and Copy launch into their trap. Copy replicates herself over and over into the corpses, while Janus struggles to stay alive. However, Copy never relents her verbal and physical attack on Janus, wearing her down to the point of wanting to allow herself to be deleted. Calvex sacrifices himself to give Janus one more moment to survive, and Janus repays Calvex’s sacrifice by repairing and healing hers and Copy’s code, so that they both become one again.

Adam holds Pan’s source code hostage, and threatens to destroy the world and start over if Janus doesn’t stay in hell, “because that’s what gods do.” Janus instead unites with the underworld, and launches an assault on Arcadia, in an effort to dethrone Adam.

Adam is almost successful in defeating Janus and the underworld. Before he can continue on his promise to kill everything and start over, Janus sacrifices her code and merges it with Adam, repairing the code that he’s spent lifetime’s destroying from his duplication process. With this new Adam, Pan is resurrected, and a new world is revealed: Everything took place in a gargantuan high-rise on another planet. Adam opens up his world to the greater one, freeing his people.

[Cameron Martin]

What I learned doing this assignment is…As a writer, I actually have all the power. Yes, the producer can choose whether or not to hire me, but that’s about it. I’m the one that decides how their movie can get made. I can make it extremely difficult, or I can use my understanding of plot structure, character design, and theme organization to help execute a script that can give the producer what he/she’s looking for…confidence in both their concept and their investment.

As the writer: Very comfortable talking shop. It was legitimately fun to explore possibilities with the producer’s script and solve problems using structure.

As the producer: This might just be me, but this was a bit harder. I’ve been in this position before, but I have a lot more faith in my ability to bring someone else’s vision to life than I have confidence in my own concepts. I mean, i know what i want to write will work, but I think my specific concept is just a little too complex and ambitious for me to put on a producer hat for. Wait, maybe that’s what producers feel in many of their conversations. I thought my partner may have had an ability to bring my vision to life. Are producers just as hopeful to find someone to answer their concept questions through writing craft? 🤔

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Intentional Lead Characters

Vision: To write a story that connects with audiences on a deep spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing this assignment is…Keep it short and focused. It’s a busier than normal weak, so I’ll try to keep this brief. These tend to be long because I’m “looking for the breakthrough” and this is the only way I know how, so far. My concept is especially complicated, like INSIDE OUT meets THE MATRIX. I can easily get lost in the details if I’m not careful. However, keeping the description of logline and what makes my characters unique short and focused on the most important and powerful parts should help me to write these characters more honestly and consistently. It also helps that this step serves as either an affirmation or a opportunity to check if your characters are really all that unique and purposeful to the story you’re wanting to tell.

Protagonist:

Janus – (name pending) an android made in the image of her AI Computer creator

Logline – Janus commits herself to raising someone she killed from the dead.

Unique – An AI human made by another AI. Is the image of something that calls itself a god. Goes on a mythical quest to right a wrong that she’s responsible for.

Antagonist:

Copy – (name pending) a copy of Janus, created from when Janus unintentionally killed her friend.

Logline – Copy wants to convince Janus to off herself so that she can take the place of the original.

Unique – A copy/alternate ego that is in rebellion with the original. A visual representation of intrusive/toxic self-talk.

Triangle Character:

Adam – an AI computer program and Janus’ creator

Logline – Adam wants to stop Janus from resurrecting her friend so that he can maintain the status quo of the world he’s made for himself.

Unique – A computer program that created his own biblical world. Creates life. Creates copies of himself and destroys them (killing the weakness he perceives in himself). Is a mirror of Janus and visually carries out negative, self-destructive therapy.

[Cameron Martin]

(Revised)

Protagonist:

No One or Null. She is a copy of the original woman, but has no memory of her past life, or why she’s in Umbral.

Logline – Null must find the reason she’s in Umbral, a techno-purgatory, and escape so she can return to life.

Unique – She is the copy of a young woman that was assaulted in her past life, and killed herself to come back “better” so she can have revenge against her assailant. As the copy, she has no memory of this, no knowledge that her only purpose is to test the original

Antagonist:

Janice, a young woman that woke up in purgatory, shocked and holding onto a dark secret of her past. She has all the memories that Null is missing.

Logline – Janice must escape her techno-purgatory, kill her copy to show she’s the best version, and exact vengeance on her assailants in her past life.

Unique – She is the victim of horrific actions, but takes the final step herself in ending her life, so that she can come back stronger and lethal enough to take vengeance on her wrong doers.

Triangle Character:

Calvex, an AI program that runs the Afterlife Protocol, fulfilling people’s request to be reborn per their choosing.

Logline – To ensure the success of fulfilling Janice’s request to come back stronger and better so she can claim vengeance, Calvex must be sure that Janice is strong enough to succeed in her endeavors by shepherding her and her copy and testing them to make sure only the strongest version survives.

Unique – Calvex is like Siri but taken to an extreme with immortal consequences. Like a video game where you can just “start over as a new character” in the future, people can return to life after dying, and either pick up where they left off or just take on a new body and persona.

[Cameron Martin]

1. Cameron Martin

2. I’ve written two features.

3. I hope to further develop my skills, particularly my weak points (character, dialogue, and rewrites)

4. I just got access to the forum. So that’s cool. Other than that, I like to compromise. For example, my son has a kindergarten parade this Friday, and he needed a Disney themed float. He wanted Lion King. I wanted Star Wars. So we compromised. I made an x-wing with Simba roaring on the side of it, kind of like those P-40 Flying Tigers from WW2.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure!

Vision: To write a story that connects with audiences on a deep spiritual level, regardless of background, while prioritizing quality time with my family.

What I learned doing from this assignment is…I actually worked on this during the ProSeries when I was attempting to write three scripts at the same time (had to give that up after the outlining module). I’ll continue to go back over and see how I might change things, knowing what I know now. Still, a dramatic triangle structure makes the most sense for this story. The complicated mess I’ll get into will be maintaining that three-character structure. I’ll need to analyze STAR WARS, based on Hal’s interpretation, and see how the first and second films deftly handle an ensemble cast with a dramatic triangle as the anchor point of the story. There’re other concepts that would be far less complicated than this story, and perhaps I’ll manage to simplify it, yet, to get it to that true “High Concept.” But I promised my wife I’d take another crack at this one, and it’s something I haven’t really gotten out of my head since I first tried writing it years ago. I guess if there’s anything else I’ve learned, it’s how to think about story structure as which characters are anchoring it, and how that delivers on the concept. This would be helpful for brainstorming and reducing the number of actors needed (budget). For example, could I write this concept as a contained script and a protagonist/antagonist structure? Would it still deliver on the concept? Character structure would be the first place to look when considering a complete re-write due to budget concerns. As another note, when looking back at my ProSeries script, I effectively had two different stories going on that connected in the end. It worked for EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, and was an easy method of keeping the pace up. But, it could also be seen as a deviation from the concept, and it was critiqued heavily due to how unsatisfying one character’s story became versus the others’. If I were to do a rewrite and change the character structure or more closely adhere to it, it may fix some of those gripes.

Title: ALL GODS BLEED

Concept: A sci-fi retelling of Dante’s Inferno, where an android quests to raise someone she murdered back to life, but her copy acting as her conscience wants to kill and replace her as an act of justice.

Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

[Cameron Martin]

(Revised)

Title: AFTERKNIFE

Concept: A young woman wakes up in a techno-purgatory and to the fight of her life against a perfect copy of herself that knows the dark secret of why they’re there – To escape, she uses a new cybernetic enhancement to perform “mech-judo,” taking apart and controlling killer robots from their insides.

Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle

[Cameron Martin]

1. Cameron Martin

2. I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Action Writing Sample Plan

What I learned doing this assignment is…I am really wired right now. I took a five hour energy shot with a 300mlg caffeine energy drink. Anywho, I learned a quick way to condense a plot down to the essentials, so the reader can understand the action that follows, and to pick the part of the script that appears to be the most complete story, leave the reader with a cliffhanger, and include the most highlights of the genre conventions. I took my ProSeries script, which is more Action/Horror than just straight up Action, but should still get the conventions across.

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Setup: Sully had to choose between saving his Aspergian son and his wife in the midst of a hostile alien outbreak. One year later, he’s still mourning the loss of his wife, and has distanced his son, who’s taken an obsessive interest in the alien parasites that killed his mother. But, another outbreak forces the two of them to work together, especially when they’re locked out of the bunker, which they think is safe.

After surviving the initial wave, Sully discovers an alternate way to get into the bunker. But, not wanting to risk his son’s life, he locks Isaiah in a closet. However, Isaiah finds a way out, and is on his way to reunite with his dad, who’s just discovered their only hope for safety is infested with aliens. Meanwhile, a ship of exterminators are on their way to kill everything outside of the bunker.

We pick up on page 74…

_____

INT. BUNKER

Sully comes too, holding his bat with the two nailers at the end of it.

There’s over a hundred infected, scurrying on all fours for him – and he has maybe fifty rounds of nails.

Sully searches for a way out. Nowhere to go but up. He JUMPS…

Grabbing the shelves above with his elbows. He pulls himself up, keeping his broken hand close to his chest to stave off the immense pain he’s in, before—

A hand GRABS his leg!

Sully SWINGS the bat, NAILING the infected in the throat…

Sully SLIDES–

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah TRIPS!

The boom box CRASHES!

INT. BUNKER

Sully REACHES and GRABS onto the side of the shelf with his broken hand. He SCREAMS in pain…

DROPPING THE BAT…

But catching himself before falling off. He launches his good hand to hold onto the shelf…

And throws his leg up…rolling back onto the structure…

Shuffling away on ass and elbows, focused on the teeth that snap at his feet.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

The boom box keeps playing.

Isaiah palms the ground around him, trying to get a sense of his surroundings, but he can’t find out what the hell he just tripped over, especially through these stupid, sweaty gloves.

The kid continues forward on all fours…

Leaving the boom box behind, but taking the bag with him.

INT. BUNKER

Sully clears past the first shelving unit, sliding onto a second one. He holds on tight…

And with his foot PUSHES the first shelving unit away from the wall…

TIMBER! IT CRASHES TO THE GROUND ON TOP OF OTHER INFECTED.

With no where else to run, Sully watches a mass of bodies converge on his location.

He looks around – What are my options? He sees the BAT on the ground.

Sully spins around and pushes against the wall…Sending the second shelving unit to the ground!

Sully gets up…wait for it…wait for it…He leaps off…

Toward his bat!

Behind him, the second shelving unit CAREENS TO THE FLOOR, CRUSHING SOME OF THE INFECTED.

Sully picks up the bat…

And is surrounded. The bloodthirsty infected hold back for

just a moment. Just long enough for…

Sully identifies an opening. He charges for the scaffolding…Facing off against one of the infected…

Sully SWINGS his bat!

DIRECT HIT!

He DIVES between the floors of the fallen scaffolding.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah’s hands find the steps that lead to the vent. He crawls hands and knees up the steps…Opens the vent…And crawls inside.

INT. BUNKER

Sully is trapped in the bottleneck created by the scaffolding.

Infected all try to get in, wanting a piece of him.

Sully BUNTS, FIRING two nails into each one!

But they just keep coming!

CHNNNG! CHNNNG! The nailers JAM. Both of them.

The infected THROW THEMSELVES at Sully!

Sully SWINGS the bat as hard as he can…Looking for an option – Anything to last a few more seconds…

His eyes find…

THE GRINDER, dangling from his tool bag.

INT. VENT – NIGHT

Once inside, Isaiah removes the velcro from his mask. He’s unsure of what he tripped over, but knows he can’t go back the same way he and Sully came from.

INT. BUNKER

Sully shimmies his way to the dangling grinder…

As the infected crawl over the scaffolding to get to the other side.

Sully makes it to the grinder!

An infected shoots its mouth out…

INTO THE SPINNING BLADE OF THE GRINDER!

Sully carves his way out of the scaffolding in a bloody torrent.

SULLY (covered in blood)

COME ON!

What crawls out of the hell spawn is the worst thing he’s seen yet. SMALL CHILDREN, LED BY AN INFANT, CRAWL OUT OF THE SCAFFOLDING FOR HIM.

The baby’s toothless mouth REACHES out of its skull and SNAPS at Sully.

Sully, horror stricken at the sight, can’t move.

SULLY

Please. Let me see my son one more

time. I made a promise.

Sully raises the grinder—

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

The infected and Sully look toward the source of the rapid- fire impact…

A ROPE is thrown from the open VENT.

ISAIAH

DAD!? DAD!?

Sully sprints along the wall.

SULLY

RUN! IT’S NOT SAFE!

Too late. The infected are already at the rope.

Sully catches sight of a plastic gas canister. He places the grinder under his armpit and picks up the full canister…

Running for the rope…

KICKING the open canister, which BLEEDS a trail of gasoline, toward the infected gathered at the rope.

He reaches into his pocket, pulling out a lighter…

CLICK. Tosses the flame at the gas.

FFWOOOOM!! The infected ERUPT in flames. Sully’s hazmat suit keeps the flames at bay on him.

He makes a break for the rope…Grabs on—

KABOOOM!! The gas canister EXPLODES!

CATAPULTING Sully against the back wall.

The fire RISES to the ceiling…

Triggering the sprinkler system…Dowsing the fires, which recoil from the water.

Sully races for the rope again…

An infected LEAPS FOR HIM!

Sully BURIES the SPINNING grinder into its neck.

He turns back and climbs the rope, bearing the PAIN from his BROKEN HAND…

Almost there…Almost—

An infected at his feet! IT’S MOUTH OPENS!

Isaiah DUMPS a bottle of bleach onto Sully…Spilling onto the infected.

The mouth RETREATS inside the host’s skull.

Sully climbs into the vent. The rope was bolted to the metal tunnel.

Infected are RIGHT THERE behind them! Isaiah, a pair of scissors in hand, tries cutting through—

Sully GRABS Isaiah away and the two hurry back up the vent – No time to lose!

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

The vent grate BLASTS open as Sully, overdosed on adrenaline, tears out onto the roof, yanking Isaiah behind him.

ISAIAH

Stop!

An alien host crawls out of the vent after them.

It is beyond the point of discussion for Sully – THEY ARE GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

ISAIAH

YOU CAN’T GO THAT WAY!

Isaiah rages against his father’s grip…glancing over the edge…And BOLTS up and onto the railing.

Sully, his sense of calm long gone and adrenaline flooding his brain…

SULLY

Just for once, do as you’re told!

…HURLS Isaiah in front of him and down the ramp.

Isaiah stumbles…and TRIPS over the same spot he discovered before…

FALLING THROUGH THE WALKWAY!

Sully, seeing his son disappear, SPRINTS toward the hole…

Looking down…

And finding Isaiah with his mask BROKEN in a CLOUD OF SPORES.

Sully reaches down, offering his hand – what have I done?

Isaiah grabs hold.

Sully pulls him up, out of the pit. He takes a deep breath and holds it in, as he removes his helmet and replaces Isaiah’s broken one with his.

Isaiah EXHALES and BREATHES, after holding his own breath.

Sully and his son run like hell.

Behind them, the hosts are BILLOWING out of the vent…

In front of them, the worms WRITHE and HISS; the deafening

BROWN NOISE from the boom box only calming the hive so much.

Almost there – Sully and Isaiah beeline to the escape hatch! Sully covers his mouth with his hand, needing air!

They make it! Sully opens the hatch… Ushering Isaiah down first…

With a wave of horror closing FAST on them.

INT. ESCAPE HATCH – NIGHT

Sully follows Isaiah into the hatch. A BIG EXHALE into his shoulder. Able to BREATHE again.

He closes the hatch door— Onto the head of an infected!

Sully SLIDES down the ladder, the mouth SNAPPING at the hair on top of his head.

He HITS the bottom and crumples…

Looking up…

The hatch door thrown WIDE OPEN, and the carnivores climbing down headfirst.

Sully DASHES out the room…

Throwing the door shut behind him – fat chance of it holding.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

He meets up with Isaiah, who’s rocking himself back and forth. His helmet’s removed and his hands are over his ears as he…

ISAIAH

(a steady flow of tears)

HMMMMMMMMMM!…HMMMMMMMMMMMM!

SULLY

(kneeling down)

Isaiah, we have to go.

ISAIAH

(shaking his head)

HMMMMMMMMMM!…HMMMMMMMMMMMM!

SULLY

We don’t have time for this! Do you want me to carry you or dd you want to carry yourself?

ISAIAH

HMMMMMMMMMM!…HMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Sully cradles his son…

And flees ahead, hearing the frantic FOOT AND PALM SLAPS heading straight for them.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully limps in, exhausted. Sets Isaiah down, who still has his hands over his ears.

Sully barricades the door – it’ll buy a few minutes, maybe more.

He turns to face Isaiah…

Who’s not there – not again. Sully hears a door SLAM. He rushes for the source, finding…

**THE CLOSET…**

He originally locked Isaiah inside of.

SULLY

Oh! Now you want to stay in there!?

ISAIAH

Go away! Just save yourself like

you always do!

SULLY

You mean like when I saved you from hiding under your own bed? Or how about the time when I gave up a week’s worth of rations FOR YOU? Or MY WIFE!?!

(reigning himself back)

Why couldn’t you just listen to me? Why, just one time? Just—

Sully breaks down.

ISAIAH

You never listen to me! I know more about them than anyone! I’m an expert!

SULLY

You’re just a kid—

ISAIAH

Maybe you shoulda picked mom! You’d be so much happier without me!

SULLY

Isaiah, open the door, please—

ISAIAH

I just ruin everything for you!

I’ll just keep ruining everything! I’m too weird and stupid!

SULLY

I can’t stand it when you get like

this!

ISAIAH

I HATE you!

Sully stops himself, allowing the words to bite as deep as intended.

INT. CLOSET

Isaiah sits fetal position, holding onto the portrait of Beth.

SULLY (O.S.)

(through the door)

I miss your mother. I miss the way she understood you. I miss the way she spoke. She would know what to do. She was everything you deserved.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

On the other side of the door…

SULLY

God, I…I hate myself, more than you ever could, for letting my choice bar me from even trying.

(Reminiscing)

You can’t look me in the eye anymore, but that first time you looked into my eyes and smiled. I swear, I’ve never seen anyone in my life smile as big as you did that day. That’s the day I remember. More than your birth, I remember the first time you smiled at me…You never ruined anything for me. It’s this place. It’s my fault for believing in it more than believing in you.

A beat.

CLICK. The door unlocks…

And out walks Isaiah, into Sully’s chest.

Sully holds his son, but Isaiah doesn’t hug back.

ISAIAH

What are we going to do, now?

As if answering his question, the low GRUMBLE of a starship builds into a ROAR.

SULLY

They’re here.

Sully is in a MAD SCRAMBLE to fix the BAT…

SULLY

Isaiah, dump out your backpack. We

need to fill it with Jude’s evidence.

ISAIAH

My notebook?

SULLY

Keep that, but empty everything you can. We have to fit all of her stuff in there.

Isaiah dumps out his backpack and shoves stacks of documents

inside. The deafening BELLOW of the starship dies down, replaced by the muted RAMBLINGS of orders and responses.

SULLY (CONT’D)

(whispering)

Just stay here. I think I can—

A COUGH echoes with unholy fervor.

Sully faces his son – It’s all crashing down at once.

Isaiah COUGHS again.

SULLY (CONT’D)

I can fix this.

ISAIAH

Dad —*cough*—

SULLY

I just need to get you to—

ISAIAH

Dad-

SULLY

The bronchoscope. If I can get us

to the med bay—

ISAIAH

Dad!

Sully turns to his son, who’s grappling with the need to

ISAIAH (CONT’D)

It’s okay.

SULLY

No-

ISAIAH

Dad. It’s okay.

SULLY

Stop it.

ISAIAH

It’s okay.

SULLY

Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Key Business Decisions

What I learned doing this assignment is…that I think like a producer in some areas, and in others, not at all. I rarely think about writing for a specific actor, so I should probably do a better job of that. The other area I need to a better job of focusing on is matching my script to a specific audience, instead of just writing the best way I know how. I feel like that’s part of what happened with MORTAL KOMBAT (2021). It was a good movie, but there was a ready and available plot that would have made the story transformational and profound. But, it was written to a specific audience to include Mortal Kombat fans. It was probably something that came up, but you couldn’t do much with it without distressing the fans. Oh well. The decisions made by the writer and producer working together still got a solid movie made.

Genre: Action/Sci-Fi

Title: POSSESSING EDEN (Change to ALL GODS BLEED or AFTERKNIFE. Something a bit more aggressive)

Concept: What if the toxic inner voice inside you came to life and wanted to kill and replace you? ALL GODS BLEED is a retelling of Dante’s Inferno, where an android quests to bring someone she murdered back from the dead, but her copy acting as her conscience wants to kill and replace her as an act of justice.

Audience: Males and Females above 25 (Change to Males above 25, as that would be the primary audience, and will be easier to focus advertising for)

Budget: 40M-90M (Changes to the main action concepts may need to be considered in order to keep the budget limited. No matter which way you slice it, special effects cost $$$)

Lead Characters: Janus (consider name change), Copy (definitely needs a name change), Adam, Alrick and Calvex

Janus/Copy – Female, 18-26 (possible actors – Zendaya)

Adam – Male, Late 30s-Early 60s (possible Actors – Tom Hanks (very wishful thinking), Jonathan Roumie, Paul Dano)

Alrick – Male, Early to Late 30s (possible actors – Jonathan Majors, Dave Bautista)

Calvex – Male, Late 20s to Late 40s (possible actors – Jonathan Roumie, Keanu Reeves (again, all of this is wishful thinking)

Journey/Character Arc: From self-destruction and toxic criticism to self-forgiveness and healing others

Opening/Ending: Start with a tight space. End with a shot that shows the world the characters knew is bigger beyond their wildest dreams

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron’s Speciality — Action

What I learned doing this assignment is…Action comes a lot easier to me than Thriller and Horror (the other two genre courses I’ve taken with ScreenwritingU). This was legitimately fun, because this is what I already like to do with movies. While I enjoy all different genres for different reasons, Action is just more fun to talk and write about, and by extension, should be easier to discuss with a producer. Last year, I really wanted to specialize in Horror because that would be an easier path into the industry, but I always felt more like a sheep in wolf’s clothing. I’m sorry, I just have no interest in watching HEREDITARY or THE EXORCIST. But put on DRUNKEN MASTER, and I’m game. I think creature features could be a good sub-genre for me (I enjoyed A QUIET PLACE, TRAIN TO BUSAN, and JURASSIC PARK), so long as the main genre still works out to be Action.

1. Action

2. (Referring to the list, sooooo many of the top 100 are pre-existing IP (a LOT of Marvel). Not really an issue, but I want to vary it a bit. So I picked one in the top 10 that was a pre-existing IP, and another that was brand new when it first came out)

A. TOP GUN: MAVERICK

– Genre: Action

– How it delivered on the genre conventions: Fast paced arial dog-fighting, explosions, tense situations the characters fight out of.

– Outline…

– Opening: montage of a naval carrier, the power of the f-18 Jets and the men and women that manage and pilot them, complete with Kenny Loggins “Danger Zone” playing in the background. All of this sets the tone for the audience – we’re going to go fast, with loud engines, with the best of the best at our side, and we’re going to have as much fun as a rock concert.

– Act 1 – Easter eggs galore, tying it back to the first film. Shots of Maverick working on his side project – the legendary P-51 Mustang, a plane that was responsible for winning against the Nazis. Maverick rides out on a motorcycle with the symbol “can’t drive 55,” further informing us that Maverick lives fast and dangerous. Where’s he riding to? To test pilot the fastest plane on earth. But, as the theme set up in this scene suggest, fast isn’t good enough anymore, and some believe people should no longer live dangerously. Maverick looks to prove them wrong by going even faster, and judging by everyone’s expressions, it’s also incredibly dangerous. Maverick succeeds (Hero moment), but pushes further than he’s supposed to and blows up the aircraft (Hero’s flaw). Dialogue only informs the why and stakes, the action tells the rest of the story. Afterward, the action takes a backseat to set up the dilemma: a mission that will push the limits of any pilot, including Maverick, and Maverick has to teach a new generation of pilots to run it. Still, the dialogue stays centered around concepts of speed, danger, recklessness. The characters are “Action” characters – athletic builds and strong personalities, all competing with each other. Even “Bob” is pronounced in his, for lack of a better word, dorkishness. One more story element is added, which will, as this is an action movie, be overcome through intense action.

– I’ll say Act 2 starts with the training itself. We get Maverick vs. All the other pilots; Maverick wins outright. This also sets the starting line; somehow, Maverick has to get these pilots to be as good as him. Hanging on with that theme of speed and living dangerously, Maverick gets chewed out on the first day for a number of stunts that “could’ve gotten him and the other pilots killed.” Subtext: even the “training” is lethal. The love interest in the movie sails boats, and it too is given this treatment of “fast and dangerous.” These are two people who are made for each other by their thirst for ACTION. In the following scene, the exposition serves one purpose: to raise the stakes. Just flying the plane itself can kill you; no margin for error. “If a man does not fly like Maverick, a man does not come back at all.” In other words, if a man doesn’t put full faith in himself and throw all caution to the wind, the man will die. The film takes another breather to confront Maverick’s ghost, but quickly follows it up with a callback to the original film: high intensity sports. It’s one more fulfillment of the action genre, though a minor one: the masculine ideal. This is further emphasized by the following intimacy (tastefully done) between Maverick and the beautiful love interest. To make sure it’s not just hormones and good looks, Maverick shares his deeply personal feelings with her. More exposition (both at the conclusion of the love scene and the subsequent scene) serves to raise the stakes more. That raising of the stakes is IMMEDIATELY followed up by one of the pilots losing consciousness, and almost dying. Before we have a chance to relax, a “bird strike” nearly kills another pilot. Again, this is just “practice,” emphasizing how much more intense the third act will be with the actual mission. And to make matters worse, we can’t even rest in the “non-action” scenes, as Iceman dies, and Maverick is grounded. We’re left hanging, having just seen these pilots struggle with the practice, and now the only person who can get them ready is barred from helping them. Stakes:raised. Maverick shows up anyway, risking it all, to demonstrate that what he’s asking (the only way for these pilots to go home) IS POSSIBLE. Maverick is assigned team lead, but this is not a break. It if yet another raising of the stakes, because now his promise and relationship with the woman he loves is put at risk, as well as his life.

– Act 3 – is the payoff of all of everything set up. Every success and failure of the mission, every character’s journey and subplot, every single problem that comes up is paid off and solved by the story’s theme, set up in the opening: “fly fast and dangerously, alongside the best of the best.” To add, the opening of the third act’s exposition shifts from “raising the stakes” to “consider the stakes too high, Maverick’s gonna die.” It’s minor and doesn’t always work, but it’s implemented well here, considering all of the legwork the rest of the movie did to get us to this point. We can absolutely believe Maverick will not come home from this nigh impossible mission, because the movie has done everything in its power to prove that. The cinematography stays fast paced, constantly shifting from “threat” to “hero,” less we forget. Also, though not a traditional convention it’s still really cool, Maverick uses the same cobra maneuver he used to beat Rooster in the beginning, and saves Rooster from the SAM’s. “You told me not to think” is an amazing comeback that sets up the second part of the third act: how do they get out? They’re going to fly out on an f-14. Keep in mind, the whole movie has set up that the MUCH newer f-18 is no match against fifth gen. Fighters. The audience was already prepared to expect a dogfight with them. Now it’s revealed that this dog fight just had the stakes raised again by pitting a 40 year old aircraft against the latest in fighter technology. Maverick wins throwing everything he has. Out of ammo, missiles, hope, and at the last second, Hangman reverses his arc by coming to Maverick’s rescue. What follows is a “celebration.” We see this in STAR WARS, THE MATRIX, LORD OF THE RINGS. Some Action films pull it off differently, but the end always leaves room for the audience and characters to celebrate. In the case of films like THE DARK KNIGHT, that moment is turned on its head to tragic but assuring self-sacrifice.

– Closing image – Jennifer Connelly in front of a Porsche. Doesn’t get much better than that. Plus paying respect to the previous film. The ending and resounding conclusion to “don’t think. Just do. Live fast and fly dangerously.”

B. THE MATRIX

– Genre: Sci-Fi/Action

– How it delivered on the genre conventions: Martial arts fight scenes, wire work, the invention of “bullet-time,” gun fights, overwhelming antagonist that must be fought to the death (no means of escape), race against the clock, more explosions.

– Outline…

– Opening – A brief fight scene with the guards where an unknown woman showcases powers beyond belief, followed by a chase scene where said woman is running from an agent that terrifies her, despite what she just did to the guards.

– Through the rest of Act 1, we get a harrowing climb across a skyscraper, followed by holding our protagonist down and injecting something into him.

– In Act 2, we get a fight scene between the mentor and the pupil. Later, the mentor who was raised on such a pedestal before faces down the agent from earlier and loses; the power scale is shown to be Agent Smith > Morpheus > Trinity > Neo. Somehow, Neo will have to overcome someone who surpasses him by a factor. In addition, we get the betrayal where most of Neo’s allies are wiped out by both agents and their own. After all of this, Neo makes the choice to challenge the odds to save this mentor, knowing this will mean his certain death. To make the final act more interesting, a ticking clock is added in the form of robots coming to kill Neo and his allies outside of the Matrix.

– In Act 3 is nonstop action. The lobby fight -> Fight with an agent and win (the sequence that made “bullet time” famous) -> The helicopter rescue and subsequent explosion -> fight with Agent Smith/Neo overcomes his greatest opponent -> Agent Smith can’t be killed and chases down Neo -> Neo dies by gunfire -> Neo rises from the dead and ascends to a higher consciousness than even the agents are capable of and uses his power to kill Agent Smith.

– Closing – Neo threatens the system and flies like Superman.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Credibility is Going Up!

What I learned doing this assignment is…to be humble. Still be proactive, but don’t put the cart in front of the horse. My main goal before this was to get a script optioned and start writing professionally. But I can see that there’s a lot that goes into building a writer’s resume besides the knowledge and application of screenwriting. I think if I take several steps back and look at the way I lucked into some of the pre-dad success I had, I have all the knowledge and tools to start the process over again. I’ll just have to be patient and focus on having fun.

1. My credibility may have had a decent foundation to build off of, but that was before I became a dad. Back in 2016, I had a producer credit, won a screenwriting contest, had a leading role in a short film and had built a solid little network. Seven years later, I’m effectively starting at square 1.

2. I’ve written in multiple mediums, so adapting my scripts into novels was always going to be the next step. After listening to the last call, I’m finding myself a little intimidated, and I see the wisdom in starting smaller. So I’m going to work on a 15 page short script for a local film festival, and work with the community that’s in physical reach.

3. What day is it? A month from now, I have a week off from work. That’ll be a golden opportunity to get my short script done and try reaching out to the local film community in Louisiana, and start trying to get short film made. If successful, it’d be my first produced writer credit. It may not be much to most producers, but it’d be a huge confidence boost for me.

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[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing!

What I learned doing this assignment…my LinkedIn profile will get there. I reeeeeeaaaaaally don’t like social media. This is an area of networking I’m going to have to work on tolerating and finding enjoyment in.

Instant improvements: I updated my bio and ensured my education and work experience showcased a writing acumen. What I plan to do, to get over my reservations with digital communication, is to start small and connect with my local community where it’s easier to create opportunities to talk to them in person. Like I said in the last assignment, I want to start off with a short film to build up some confidence for myself.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Projects and Insights

OPEN WIDE – A Sci-Fi/Action/Horror with a budget of $10M. Concept – A widower and the 11 year old Aspie son he’s distanced work to overcome their grief and guilt in the wake of an alien outbreak.

POSSESSING EDEN – A Sci-Fi/Action script with a budget of $100M (Though I’m working on a rewrite to cut the budget to under $40M). Original Concept – An android is sent to murder his partner, but turns on his creator. Revised Concept – A Sci-Fi retelling of Dante’s Inferno, where an android quests to raise someone she murdered back from the dead, but her copy, acting as her conscience, wants to kill and replace her as an act of justice.

What I learned from the Opening Teleconference: There’s a lot that’s common sense, but the finer details of interpersonal communication require another level of skill. I’m usually so anxious as it relates to asking for what I want, that I overcompensate with a go-with-the-flow attitude, and either don’t ask for anything or adopt the “better to ask for forgiveness than permission” principle. I’m firmly in the category of “I don’t know what I don’t know” when it comes to timing and advertising myself to a producer. Had a plan to just adapt whatever I’d write into a novel and go from there, but it sounds like there’s still a lot for me to learn. Still, as Hal emphasized, it’s better to assume I can and take full responsibility with that belief, than to discredit myself and say there’s no way.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin

I’ve written two features.

I hope to acquire business and marketing skills, as well as the confidence to make a dream a reality.

I’m a high function Aspie.

__________

Cameron Martin’s Projects and Insights

OPEN WIDE – A Sci-Fi/Action/Horror with a budget of $10M. Concept – A widower and the 11 year old Aspie son he’s distanced work to overcome their grief and guilt in the wake of an alien outbreak.

POSSESSING EDEN – A Sci-Fi/Action script with a budget of $100M (Though I’m working on a rewrite to cut the budget to under $40M). Original Concept – An android is sent to murder his partner, but turns on his creator. Revised Concept – A Sci-Fi retelling of Dante’s Inferno, where an android quests to raise someone she murdered back from the dead, but her copy wants to kill and replace her as an act of justice.

What I learned from the Opening Teleconference: There’s a lot that’s common sense, but the finer details of interpersonal communication require another level of skill. I’m usually so anxious as it relates to asking for what I want, that I overcompensate with a go-with-the-flow attitude, and either don’t ask for anything or adopt the “better to ask for forgiveness than permission” principle. I’m firmly in the category of “I don’t know what I don’t know” when it comes to timing and advertising myself to a producer. Had a plan to just adapt whatever I’d write into a novel and go from there, but it sounds like there’s still a lot for me to learn. Still, as Hal emphasized, it’s better to assume I can and take full responsibility with that belief, than to discredit myself and say there’s no way.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Including Assignment 1

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you Hal and Cheryl for putting this program together! Thank you to all of my classmates! You’ve all made me a better writer, and I can’t wait to see your stories on the big screen!

Best regards!

Cam

———-

Subject Line: Action-Horror Script: OPEN WIDE

———-

Hey [Producer]!

“Tell me how to keep you alive, and I’ll get those things out of you.”

After a year of barely speaking to his son, Sully is forced to be alone with him when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasitic worms that killed his wife — And he watches the bunker doors shut them both out! Lucky for Sully, his Asperger’s son is obsessed with the worms and can help him find another way into the bunker.

Unlucky for him, the bunker is full of the infected, and Sully just released them!

Between a horde of ravenous colonists and the alien worms trying to infect who’s left, Sully must trust his developmentally challenged son to be his guide and save them both. Especially when his son gets infected to be a brood-mother for dozens of alien worms.

Would you place your trust in your kid when he’s dying to eat you?

If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script, titled OPEN WIDE.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam Ross Martin

BIO: In addition to winning the 2016 Hoboken International Film Festival’s award for Best Unproduced Screenplay, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.

cameron.ross.martin@gmail.com

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Career Plan

What I learned doing this assignment is…I may not have all of the answers, and even though a number of doors are closed to me, if I take creative initiative, I can make my own luck and forge my own professional career as a screenwriter.

A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next six months?

– My goal for the next six months to build a library of at least two additional marketable screenplays, that are designed with the intent of winning contests and furthering the brand established with OPEN WIDE.

B. What are you going to do to elevate quality?

– Continue studying film and structure, watching analyses, reading books and articles, taking additional ScreenwritingU courses that align with my brand, and writing my next projects through the ProSeries models, continuing to look for more breakthroughs.

C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts?

– Assess the current market and demands and try to match current trends and opportunities to what I have personal experience or knowledge with. One of the major breakthroughs for OPEN WIDE was shifting the initial concept toward a parent child relationship because those were (and still are) the struggles I could most relate to and write about.

D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)?

– high-concept action, intense horror (preferably creature-features), and emotional, complex relationships.

E. How are you going build a stronger network?

– Continue social networking with a “slow and steady wins the race” approach. Attend contests and festivals when/where I can to meet and chat with people in person (much easier for me. Having no face to read, or voice to hear, really makes it difficult to connect).

F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business?

– Read up on articles that discuss the topic, talk with others that have been working in the business. Side note, I came across a YouTube channel called “It Was A Sh*t Show” that talks about the behind the scenes turmoil that led to major Hollywood successes. It’s well edited and helps to communicate what can go wrong, which may help me to keep a calm demeanor through whatever trials and tribulations come along in this business. “Making things is hard” and I’ll have to practice the same level of professionalism I learned to apply in the insurance world.

G. How are you going to market yourself and your writing?

– Aside from any accomplishments (finishing a script, placing in a contest, or making a sale), there isn’t a whole lot else that comes to mind as it relates to regular social media marketing. However, one tactic I can make is to post an abbreviated version of a “what I learned doing this assignment is…” and keep it simple, personal, and not relate it to teaching how to write (so as to avoid the appearance of competing with ScreenwritingU). In addition, signing up for contests and creating a blog where I can post shorts, poems, and screenplays (various forms of writing) may be two other options as well. In the world of graphic design, there are apparently different themed months (Mer-May, Smaug-ust, Kaijune, etc.) where artists have daily challenges to draw based on daily prompts. Maybe there’re screenwriting versions of this, and if not, maybe I can implement something similar.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin knows T.O.T.E.

What I learned doing this assignment is…how to aim that self-criticism that’s common in artistry in a constructive direction. Some of this is pretty common sense stuff, as it relates to process oriented results, but putting it in writing with the specific definitions goes a long way to understanding exactly what you’re looking for. This is similar to the way I’ve developed health and fitness practices since the start of COVID, and I’m sure these writing processes will adjust based on results in the same way my health and fitness practices have had to adjust. In the end tough, I know this will yield consistent and positive results, just by tracking the processes on a regular basis.

A. Your script.

– TEST: Gauge concept with friends and family.

– OPERATE: Based on emotional reaction, search for ways to make concept more “unique,” taking from other IP for inspiration to elevate the concept to that “High Concept” status.

– TEST: Gauge concept with strangers.

– EXIT: Only when the concept receives general high positivity and engagement.

– TEXT: Build a story logic web and gauge each component on whether A. Every plot point and character builds off of each other and B. Escalates through the story, culminating into an impactful ending.

– OPERATE: Elevate story logic web components (don’t be afraid to go back to concept if needed. This is what happened with OPEN WIDE, where the concept radically changed during the Story Logic Web segment) to fit the two parameters.

– TEST: Share story logic web with new friends and family.

– EXIT: Only when the story logic web delivers a solid structure and escalating action.

– TEST: Write Outline based on current story structure model and Story Logic Web. Highlight scenes that come quickly and are exciting.

– OPERATE: Elevate scenes that either struggled to come to fruition or are easily comparable to tropes or cliches.

– TEST: Send outline to fellow writer who can check for cliches.

– EXIT: Only when the outline communicates a strong structure and impactful story.

– TEST: After completing first draft, isolate separate arcs into mini movies and read each individual arc.

– OPERATE: Correct structural problems and grammar issues. Put script back together.

– TEST: Send completed first draft to fellow writer for review.

– OPERATE: Make adjustments based on notes.

– TEST: Send completed second draft to script consultant.

– OPERATE: Make adjustments based on notes.

– EXIT: Once “Recommend” status is earned.

B. Your query letters.

– TEST: After writing first draft, give 24 hour consideration, and return to read and elevate based solely on how the content of the letter reads.

– TEST: Send completed second draft to fellow writer for review.

– OPERATE: Make necessary corrections based on notes.

– EXIT: Only when letter receives mostly ecstatic reactions

C. Building your network.

– TEST: Keep a log of the amount of engagement with your network. Has it been increasing or decreasing.

– OPERATE: If engagement has been decreasing, take initiative to both increase engagement with current network and build new network bridges.

– TEST: Has engagement increased or decreased.

– EXIT: When engagement increases and results in opportunities.

[Cameron Martin]

[NOTE: I’ve posted my “Draft THREE” below. Thanks!]

Cameron Martin’s Query Letter Draft ONE

What I learned doing this assignment is…a refresher on what waiting 24 hours can do for proofreading and addressing grammatical errors or sentence structure. I’ll probably learn more as we go through the feedback exchange. For now, find the “therefore or but” moments/hooks to tell your story with, keep everything focused on the concept, and don’t let anything overstay its welcome.

_______

Query Letter:

“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”

While a space colony fights against hostile alien parasites, Sully is fighting against the crowd, desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine year old son.

After a year of refusing to move on from his wife’s death, Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome.

However, when the alarm signals the savage aliens’ return, Sully will be forced to reconnect with his son; especially when they fail to make it to the bunker in time. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can uncover their dark secret.

But how likely are you to trust a developmentally challenged child in a crisis, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?

In addition to winning Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.

If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script.

Thanks and best regards!

Cameron Martin

cameron.ross.martin@gmail.com

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Cameron Martin.
• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Cameron Martin.

[Cameron Martin]

[NOTE: I’ve posted my “Draft THREE” below. Thanks!]

Cameron Martin’s Query Letter Draft TWO

What I learned doing this assignment is…First, don’t forget to include the same kind of active vocabulary contained in your script because…Second, the query letter is your first movie trailer. So, it should be written like it’s a movie trailer, whether that be through the action and story questions brought up, or through establishing credit that raises creditability (like when you see trailers advertise “From the creators of…”).

_______

Query Letter:

“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”

The alarm BLARES, the colonists RUN for their lives, and Sully is DESPERATE to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine year old son.

After a year of refusing to move on from his wife’s death, Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome.

However, when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasites, Sully is forced to reconnect with his son after they both watch the bunker doors shut them out. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can help uncover their dark secret.

Should Sully trust his developmentally challenged child in a crisis? Would you place your trust in a kid, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?

In addition to winning the Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.

If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script, titled OPEN WIDE.

Thanks and best regards!

Cameron Martin

cameron.ross.martin@gmail.com

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Cameron Martin.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Query Letter Draft THREE

What I learned doing this assignment is…character names matter in a pitch or query letter. I sometimes forget that when I get lost in trying to elevate the concept. In addition, questioning the reader can be a high risk move, and repeating the same points dilutes the impact of each line. You want a concentrated pitch, with each sentence building and escalating until you land on the entire point of your story, the main impactful hook that drew you into your story to begin with. Another observation is to check your own writing habits (I use bridging words like “However,” “Sincerely,” “Moreover”), and ensure you’re delivering the most powerful language/sentence structure to sell your concept.

_______

“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”

The alarm blares, the colonists run for their lives, and Sully is desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine year old son with Asperger’s, Isaiah.

After a year of barely speaking to his son, Sully is forced to be alone with him when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasites, and they both watch the bunker doors shut them out. Lucky for Sully, Isaiah is obsessed with the parasites, and may be the only one who can help uncover their dark secret. But he’ll have to trust his developmentally challenged child in the same crisis that killed his wife a year ago.

Would you place your trust in a kid, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?

In addition to winning the Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award for my screenplay, POSSESSING EDEN, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.

If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script, titled OPEN WIDE.

Thanks and best regards!

Cameron Martin

cameron.ross.martin@gmail.com

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Query Letter

What I learned doing this assignment is…the story logic web is still one of the most useful tools, especially this far late in the program. The six to ten story hooks were basically retellings of the main story beats from that story logic web, and by extension the same hooks for me when I first began this script. In addition, brainstorming is another powerful tool from this program. I think I came up with thirty different openers before settling on one that I think works. I’m looking forward to exchanging feedback, and I’m also excited to have a model as efficient at selling the best parts of the story as this.

_______

“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”

While a space colony fights against hostile alien parasites, Sully is fighting against the crowd, desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his son.

A year later, and Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome, due to his refusal to move on from his wife’s death.

However, when the alarm signals the savage aliens’ return, Sully will be forced to connect with his son again; especially when they fail to make it to the bunker in time. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can uncover their dark secret.

But, how likely are you to trust a developmentally challenged child in a crisis, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?

In addition to winning Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome, and by extension an obsession with real life monsters.

If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script.

Thanks and best regards!

Cameron Martin

cameron.ross.martin@gmail.com

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin has Lots of Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment…first of all, I’m sure I flubbed this somehow. I’m not sure if over a hundred hooks is something I can credibly claim. At the very least, I’m made more confident that my story moves at a breakneck pace and has multiple layers and hooks that continue to build intrigue in the story. I’m sure as I continue to do this assignment for future projects, I’ll get a better idea on how to differentiate what is and isn’t a hook.

_______

Sully: 8, 9, 14, 19, 20, 30, 36, 42, 57, 64, 68, 74, 95, 102, 103, 104, 106, 114, 115, 117, 119, 122, 125, 127, 128, 129, 135

Isaiah: 10, 14, 22, 23, 24, 32, 58, 65, 66, 70, 71, 75, 105, 108, 111, 113, 124, 135

Jude: 72, 73, 77, 78, 79, 81, 87, 93, 94,

Markus: 59, 60, 61, 83, 92, 100, 101, 123, 131, 132, 133

Apollo: 62, 83, 90, 101

_______

1. Beth scared in a dark closet with an alarm blaring.

2. Beth has a family.

3. Beth makes a phone call; she’s hiding from something.

4. Sully answers, telling her to cover her mouth and run.

5. Sully and Beth’s son is unaccounted for or his location is unknown

6. Something is trying to get into the closet and get to Beth.

7. That something is their neighbor.

8. Sully is literally fighting against the crowd to get to his family.

9. Sully “loves making things work more than making love.”

10. Isaiah is a 9 year old boy with Asperger’s Syndrome.

11. Isaiah won’t leave his spot.

12. The teacher abandons Isaiah, leaving him with just a phone

13. Sully gets a phone call: it’s from Isaiah, the boy who was left behind.

14. Isaiah tells his dad he’s too scared to move, forcing Sully to choose between saving his child or saving his spouse. Sully saves his child.

15. Sully patches Beth through the phone to talk to her son: is this the last time he’ll talk to his mother?

16. “A hand wrenches Isaiah out from under the table.”

17. Through the phone, Beth is heard screaming. She was killed in her escape attempt.

18. “One Year Later” – Sully is alone and can’t sleep.

19. Sully talks to his dead wife. “I don’t want to leave a world where you still haunt me.”

20. Sully professes to not know how to talk to his son anymore.

21. The window malfunctions. The outside that we see in the window is artificial.

22. Isaiah is smart enough to build a Rube Goldberg machine for his bedroom.

23. Isaiah reads the note his dad left him, crumples it, and then recovers it to put it with his dad’s other notes.

24. Isaiah’s been keeping a mysterious something under his bed.

25. This is a futuristic world with a mix of familiar and new tech.

26. A teenager’s coughing severely

27. Two doctors discuss the coughing, hinting that it could be something more serious. But one of the doctors says it’s nothing.

28. A clatter from the teenager’s room

29. A mother is protesting her son being inspected by a different doctor: Sully is inspecting her son with an invasive procedure.

30. Sully promises that if one patient who’s infected avoids inspection, the entire colony is put at risk.

31. Manager calls in Sully to his office.

32. Isaiah struggles in social settings due to his Asperger’s. He’s excused from the class after being cutoff from some potentially important information.

33. This is a space colony on a newly terraformed planet. It’s still dangerous, and an entity called The Hegemony is in charge.

34. Sully’s Manager is going to retaliate against him by having The Hegemony take his son from him.

35. The alarm goes off.

36. Sully sucker punches his manager.

37. Sully has to get his son before he can go to the bunker.

38. A guard stops the sick teenager from entering the bunker.

39. The parents and the teenager’s doctor try to convince the guard to break protocol. The doctor introduces a kill syringe into the equation, promising to use it at the first sign of a problem.

40. Sully finds Isaiah, but he won’t move out from under the bed.

41. The doctor gives the teenager a diuretic, which seems to calm the teen down. Everyone is on edge around him about the prospect of being “infected” with something.

42. Sully makes a pair of earmuffs for his son out of his wife’s things. Then, Sully carries his son and swears at him.

43. Manager wakes up, to a blackout, followed by every other light coming on.

44. “They could come from anywhere.”

45. “The bunker will be closed in five minutes.” Will the Manager make it.

46. Screams down the hallway, and a crash directly behind the Manager.

47. Dr. Douglas is walking unnaturally and has a deformed face all of a sudden, as he chases down the Manager.

48. Manager escapes, but “something worse” is directly overhead.

49. Manager runs away from “something worse” and gets eaten by Dr. Douglas. That “something worse” slithers away unseen.

50. Sully and Isaiah haven’t made it to the safety of the bunker yet.

51. The teenager coughs up blood!

52. Dr. Mick is terrified at what the teenager is “infected” with, and kills him with a lethal injection.

53. Dr. Mick holds a second syringe to his neck, ready to kill himself than face the consequences if he didn’t kill the teen “in time.”

54. The teen’s jaw splits open!

55. Dr. Mick kills himself.

56. Sully and Isaiah make it to the bunker…too late.

57. Sully breaks his hand.

58. Isaiah says “they’re not that bad” and that he knows what to do.

59. A ship full of passengers. One of them is a holy man: Markus

60. Markus clumsily almost causes a fellow passenger to fall to their death or serious injury.

61. Markus risks his safety for the fellow passenger he endangered.

62. The fellow passenger, Apollo, is missing an arm.

63. “A 15 foot alien worm” slithers after Sully and Isaiah.

64. Sully breaks into a locked apartment with Isaiah in toe, endangering another couple that didn’t make it to the bunker.

65. Isaiah inflicts pain on his father to escape from his grasp…

66. Isaiah throughs a pot to distract the alien when he’s face to face with it. The alien appears to not see very well.

67. James makes a run for it, abandoning his wife. But the worm slithers down Jame’s throat and turns him into a zombie.

68. Sully breaks James arm, exposing the bone; but James just uses the broken bone as a shiv against Sully.

69. Sully and Isaiah are trapped between something banging against their front door, and some other sound behind them.

70. Isaiah starts apologizing before Sully even knows what’s wrong.

71. Isaiah’s pet worm slithers out from under his bed and chases after the two.

72. Jude shoots the worm and the home invader with pin-point accuracy, using an “illegal” firearm.

73. Jude is a sweet talking woman that made milk and cookies.

74. Sully makes a makeshift weapon

75. Isaiah has a plan to catch and release the worms trying to kill them.

76. Isaiah uses alkaline against the worms.

77. Jude is infected.

78. Jude is an agent who wants to do “what any grandmother should do”

79. Sully knows Jude has a “suicide syringe,” but Jude refuses to give it to him or take it herself.

80. Isaiah finds a worm head with fungal shoots growing out of it.

81. Jude burns the head and her gun to get rid of the evidence.

82. Sully guesses that since they have no defenses, they’re waiting for exterminators to rescue them.

83. Apollo and Markus are draft dodgers.

84. Apollo and Markus “escaped being drafted so they could be conscripted” to exterminate aliens.

85. The worms have a lifecycle: spore to worm to fungus.

86. The Hegemony is responsible for the worm outbreaks because their terraforming practice unbalanced the ecosystem.

87. Jude talks with Isaiah about the worms because she wants to support Isaiah.

88. Jude’s “time is up”

89. People are being led down a line. One of the passengers is abducted without any outburst from the others.

90. Apollo knows as much about the Bible as Markus.

91. Apollo demands that Markus answer GOD’s call by starting a mutiny.

92. Markus want’s to remain passive and believes his oath will protect him from having to pull a trigger.

93. Jude has a suicide syringe and a photo of her granddaughter. She was using Isaiah as a surrogate grandchild to live out a fantasy of how she wanted to die.

94. Jude appears to give a code: Aurora12Calypso

95. Sully kills Jude after he asks Isaiah to look away.

96. Isaiah insists that Jude’s time can be extended if the lungs are kept moist long enough for them to extract the eggs, implying there is a potential cure.

97. A mother and child are separated by soldiers.

98. Markus is handed an illegal weapon and ordered to fight and kill aliens.

99. Markus is given an earpiece and an order to use an additional round of ammunition on a mutineer.

100. Markus tries to save Apollo with under the table messaging.

101. Apollo refuses to listen to Markus, which results in Markus shooting Apollo when pushed.

102. Sully has a dream about Isaiah’s curiosity being the death of him.

103. Sully carves into Jude’s skull to extract a neural implant.

104. Sully uses Jude’s code to hack into Jude’s files and uncover all her evidence and a map that reveals a secret path to the bunker.

105. Isaiah says the reason he likes the aliens is because he can relate to them.

106. Sully locks his son in a closet to protect him, promising to come back when he knows it’s safe.

107. Sully encounters a massive worm nest that he has to crawl through to get to the bunker.

108. Isaiah uses his smarts to create a pulley that could get him out of the closet. When that doesn’t work, he devises a new strategy using a lever.

109. Sully makes it to the bunker, only to find it’s full of infected.

110. Sully falls into the bunker and has to fight and find a way out.

111. Isaiah navigates through the worm nest blindfolded.

112. Isaiah trips over something. “He can’t go back the way he came”

113. Isaiah risks his life to save his dad.

114. Sully pushes Isaiah and gets him infected.

115. Sully puts his mask on Isaiah and holds his breath until he gets past the nest to safety.

116. The infected have free reign of the space colony.

117. Sully says he’s imperfect for Isaiah and apologizes for not even trying after his mother died.

118. The exterminators arrive.

119. Isaiah’s infected.

120. Sully has Isaiah gather any and all of Jude’s physical evidence.

121. Sully takes his son to a medical bay, but two more infected are already there.

122. Sully makes a steaming pan for Isaiah to breathe into, keeping his lungs moist.

123. Markus kills again, this time to spare a fellow passenger from the pain of being eaten alive.

124. Isaiah straps a massage gun to his ankle to attract aliens, while he crawls through a vent.

125. Sully dresses as an exterminator and follows his son to the medical bay aboard the passenger ship, listening for the massage gun.

126. Isaiah unstraps his massage gun at the assault of an alien. The alien attacks the massage gun instead of Isaiah.

127. Sully moves on, trusting his son to make it to the rendezvous.

128. Sully and his son make it to the medical bay, where Sully extracts the eggs from his son through a bronchoscopy.

129. Sully and Isaiah used to live on Ganymede, and Sully tells Isaiah about how his mother loved him to help calm him down.

130. Sully and Isaiah left Jude’s evidence everywhere to appeal that they did nothing worth killing them over.

131. Markus saves Sully and Isaiah after the claims made by Jude, which included that multiple passenger ships will have to be “disappeared” to contain the aliens in the future.

132. Markus makes Sully promise to expose the Hegemony

133. Markus sacrifices himself so Sully and Isaiah can escape.

134. A military officer escapes with a potentially infected passenger in the same ship as him.

135. Sully assures that Isaiah’s mother is with him, and appears to have finally connected with Isaiah and moved on from his grief.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Logline and One-Sentence Phone Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment is…don’t hold back, but don’t overcomplicate either. I haven’t purposely brainstormed like this in a minute. Every time I think I have something good, I try to come up with a few more options, just to see if something comes up. Admittedly, there’s a lot that happens in this story, and it’s impossible to include all of it. There’s a couple great “hooks” in the story, but they may require more setup than what a logline or phone pitch can really offer. There’s a balancing act between giving everything a reader needs to be interested, and not overwhelming them to the point of thinking you don’t have a clear vision. There’s also a useful tactic of trying to assume a reader’s perspective of not knowing anything about the story you’ve been involved with for the past six months; can you put yourself in their shoes and answer honestly what would interest you, just from the pitch and no additional context. I’ve worked on my 1-2 minute pitch before, but this was an excellent and necessary exercise to try to get that 1 sentence pitch and logline down to the most necessary parts of the story.

_______

a. Protagonist __has problem___ and ___must achieve goal__ to solve that problem.

A widower who’s distanced himself from his 11-year-old Asperger’s son after the death of his wife must save him from being slaughtered by the same aliens his son is obsessed with.

b. Protagonist has __a goal__ but ___major obstacle___ stands in his/her way.

A widower wants to protect his 11-year-old Asperger’s son in the midst of an outbreak, but his son is obsessed with the same alien parasites that killed his wife.

c. (Situation) causes (main character) to face (largest obstacle) and (outcome).

An outbreak of alien parasites will force a widower to reconnect with his 11-year-old Asperger’s son, who’s become obsessed with the same parasites that killed his wife.

_______

The title is OPEN WIDE, and it’s Ridley Scott’s THE MARTIAN with alien parasites and a kid with Asperger’s Syndrome.

(P.S. I know the author of the original novel is Andy Weir, but since Ridley Scott has directorial credit for both ALIEN and THE MARTIAN, giving him the credit seemed like a better through-line with the concept and pitch.)

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Marketable Components

What I learned doing this assignment…My wife pointed out that my story is literally “FINDING NEMO in space,” which I found funny and poignant since for years FINDING NEMO was my favorite of the Pixar films. Still, I found this to be a good check at the end of a process. By that I mean that I kind of already think this way when coming up with a concept. One of the creative processes I was taught in college involved combining two things that ordinarily wouldn’t go together, and making something new from it. However, my first feature script took too many things (THE MATRIX, The Bible, Mythology, Hinduism, Taoism and GHOST IN THE SHELL) and combined them. After writing that script, it was really hard to pitch because it wasn’t just THE MATRIX but with a unique spin. Taking lessons learned from that script, and some of the earliest lessons from the ProSeries, I think I came up with a concept that’s a lot easier to pitch based on the “similar to a box-office success, but unique” angle. And, after going through this assignment, I believe I succeeded in that goal of being able to sell my script with these two Components of Marketability.

Logline: This is a Space Horror story about a widower who must reconnect with his his Asperger’s son and save him from the parasitic alien worms that killed his wife, and that his son is obsessed with.

1. Unique.
2. Similarity to a box-office success.

“ALIENS meets THE MARTIAN” where a widower and his Asperger’s son use their creativity to survive an outbreak of alien parasitic worms. (Unique and Similarity to a box-office success)

THE LAST OF US was an award winning, critically acclaimed game that earned a massive fan following, and it did it through a heartfelt father/child journey and intense horror, action, and problem solving. What if we told that same story, but put it in space?

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin is Expanding his Network

What I learned doing this assignment is…this is going to take a while. Let me explain. I’m very inconsistent with my aptitude for technology. I’m both smart and savvy enough to find creative solutions or navigate through different technical tools. I once spent time teaching myself how to animate in Autodesk Maya for fun. I’m also like your stereotypical grandad who looks at social media and texting like it’s a slab of hieroglyphics; I barely know where to start. I think I have an effective plan, thanks to this assignment, and can at least metaphorically get the plane onto the runway. Taking off isn’t going to be an overnight process for me, but if I stay consistent and patient, I know I’ll get there eventually. Looking forward to seeing what everyone else put down for this assignment. I imagine most of my classmates have better ideas for this than I do, lol.

A. Your plan

1. Spend 5 minutes on each platform: twitter, facebook, and linkedin (fifteen minutes a day total)

2. Follow, like, and comment on prospective contacts (2 per day)

3. Post writing process and successes often, including past ones

4. Invite already established relationships to read 10 pages of my finished screenplay

5. Utilize sites like “Meetup” to create and foster new relationships and content

6. Post design concepts for new movie monsters or horror situations to advertise brand

7. Study how other screenwriting professionals use their online social networking

8. Review and revise plan periodically based on new findings and strategies

9. Don’t write anything that could be interpreted as negative or political

10. Trust the process and don’t give up.

B. Your Twitter address

https://twitter.com/Cameron97826564

C. The producers you followed

1. Buffalo8

2. Bondit Media Capital

3. M. Night Shyamalan

4. Blumhouse

5. Robert Rodriguez

D. Your experience of approaching producers this way.

Not gonna lie. I’m not sure yet if I know what I’m really doing. Kinda still taking baby steps here. The first two producers I followed because they followed me first on twitter. I followed Blumhouse because of their reputation in horror. M. Night Shyamalan and Robert Rodriguez were more personal favorites than anything else, both having major influences on my writing.

Tweets by Cameron97826564

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Network

What I learned doing this assignment is…In some ways, this feel like a return to a larger world. I dropped social media sometime in 2017, and only recently joined Instagram in late 2020 to keep up with family and post football highlights. I haven’t been on Facebook in almost six years, and I never joined Twitter. Honestly, joining these platforms freaks me out, but I understand the potential in reconnecting (even in a small way such as a friend request) to a number of people I used to know who’re still connected to the industry. Needless to say, my networking opportunities are basically in the earliest stages possible. Hopefully that proves to be an advantage (no baggage) and not a detriment (no online history to speak of). More research is needed on my part to know how much impact my current network can provide, and in many ways I may need to develop even less expensive IP in order to take advantage of the opportunities they can present. Still, laying it out this way is extremely helpful in understanding just what I do have right now, and what strategies I can implement in the future.

MY NETWORK

Your ProSeries

Alice Eden

Matthew Frendo

Dev Ross

Dana Abbott

Antonio Flores

Lisa Long

Kate Hawkes

June Fortunato

Michael O’Keefe

Anita Gomez

Anna Harper

Michael Katz

ProSeries Alumni

Writer’s Group 1.

C2?. Nick Savides

Writer’s Group 2.

C1. Scott Kaplan

Who do you know in Industry groups?

C3. Patrick Kirton

C4. Blayne Weaver

C3. Suzy Kirton

C4. Diego Martinez

Who have you worked with on a movie?

C3. Chris Lyon

C4. Blayne Weaver

C3. Rob Senska

C3. John Chambers

C3. Alex Beeler

C3. Alec McCommon

C3. Chris Rebouche

C3. Danny Zanelotti

C3. John Tillman

C3. Luke Sexton

C3. Jeremy Spring

“What potential do I see in my current network”

A handful of people have good connections. Many of these people I haven’t communicated with in years though. My next best move to utilize the max potential with this group is to write something with a micro budget (as close to the low thousands as possible) and go from there. There’s the Louisiana Film Prize and that may be my next move if I can’t sell this or any other feature. I can write a short, however, and produce it to hopefully develop a grassroots network for larger projects.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Marketing Campaign

What I learned doing this assignment is…This strategy reminds me of a number of Jocko podcasts, where he also lists the differences between tactics and strategies. In short, tactics are limited, short term approaches to fulfilling a goal, while strategies are long term approaches that take precedence. It’s similar to the concept of screenwriting where you have different levels of story beats: beats, scenes, acts, etc, and the overarching theme informs each element down to its smallest component. At the very least, I have a set of strategies and tactics that will allow me fight for my goal. I’m sure a number of these tactics will change and strategies will get adjusted as I learn more through these next few classes. But for now, I have a rough draft of a plan with way more options than just submitting to a contest.

Primary Campaign: Sell a script from outside L.A. within the 2022 calendar year

Strategies: Use mass market vehicles every month until you have a deal.

Tactics…

Contact producers affiliated with similar projects

Contact Studios affiliated with similar projects

Contact friends already in the industry

List your logline on every logline site

Attend conferences close to home

Ask everyone you know to read the script

Build a network on Linkedin

Build a network on Twitter

Build a network on Facebook

Use Models from ScreenwritingU Classes to develop a new High Concept/Low Budget Horror Script every month

Query Letter blast on ScriptBlaster.com

Enter contests to create credibility

InkTip.com listing in quarterly publication and on their site

Don’t spam producers, agents, or studios

Don’t act desperate. No one in this town works with desperate people

Attend Pitch Fests, pitching your script

Attend gatherings in your area via Meetup

Create a YouTube series…

But, Don’t start teaching screenwriting through analysis posts like Savage Books or Lessons From The Screenplay

Respond to Craigslist ads for screenwriters

Utilize a new [free] Marketing Resource daily

Read others’ Marketing Campaigns for additional information/inspiration

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Target Market

What I learned doing this assignment is…How quickly you can compile a list of potential producers for your film. Yeah, this list took me maybe twenty minutes to compile and ensure there were no duplicates. I’m really curious to know what comes next, cause…man this was easy to figure out, and I only used films that were released in the last couple of years. I didn’t even bother with anything released before 2019. Still, I know it’s necessary to compile a list this big because (just like the producers) I’ll have to accept a lot of “No’s” before I can get a single “Yes.” At the very least, as long as I’m confident in my product, the sky’s the limit as far as finding potential buyers.

List of movies: A QUIET PLACE/A QUIET PLACE PART II, FIRESTARTER, CRAWL, RESIDENT EVIL: WELCOME TO RACCOON CITY, UNDERWATER

Five Actors: John Krasinski, Idris Elba, Sally Field, Iain Armitage, Paul Dano

Producers…

Jason Blum
Andre Coutu
Martha De Laurentiis
Akiva Goldsman
Karen Harnisch
Adam Margules
Raphael Margules
Alex Peace
Gregory Lessans
J.D. Lifshitz
Rachel Reznick
Jon Romano
Jennifer Scudder Trent
Scott Teems
Ryan Turek
Michael Bay
Scott Beck
Jeffrey Beescroft
Celia D. Costas
Deb Dyer
Andrew Form
Brad Fuller
Alexa Zinz Ginsgurg
Aaron Janus
John Krasinski
Allyson Seeger
Bryan Woods
JoAnn Perritano
Alexandre Aja
Justin Bursch
Craig J. Flores
Gregory Levasseur
Sam Raimi
Lauren Selig
Andjelija Vlaisavljevic
Paul W. S. Anderson
Jeremy Bolt
Hartley Gorenstein
Victor Hadida
James Harris
Hiroyuki Kobayashi
Robert Kulzer
Martin Moszkowicz
Alex Zhang
Peter Chernin
Tonia Davis
Kevin Halloran
Jaren Purrington
Jenny Topping
Lia Buman
Bailey Conway
Tyler Davidson
B. Ted Deiker
Carlyle Eubank
David Frigerio
Jeffrey A. Green
Sebastian Gutierrez
Brian Kavanaugh-Jones
Carl W. Lucas
Allan Marks
Richard Rothfeld
Peter Schlessel
Matt Waldens
Christopher H. Warner
Susan Wasserman
Alyson E. Winick
Scott Atkins
Martin J. Barab
Mark Canton
Louis G. Friedman
J. Todd Harris
David Hopwood
Justine Raczkeiwicz
Alix Taylor
Marc Toberoff
Hisako Tsukuba
Chaya Amor
Melvin Ang
Karen Barragan
Jamie Buckner
Anthony Eu
Daniel Finkelman
Byron Allen
Andrew Boucher
Chris Charalambous
Will Clarke
Mark DeVitre
Babak Eftekhari
Carolyn Folks
Jessica Freeborn
Kate Glover
Eric Gould
Terence Hill
Robert Jones
Mark Lane
Jennifer Lucas
Andy Mayson
Ernest Riera
Joan Robbins Johannes Roberts

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Project and Market

What I learned doing this assignment is…a healthy reminder on the importance of getting the concept clear and marketable, as well as how to think on a business level. I’ve worked in sales before, and often saw my role when working in a call center for a health insurance company as selling the company’s capacity to give stellar service. I’ll have to remind myself often that I know how to communicate and sell to people, sometimes people who didn’t like me at first or the company I represented, and that I was exceptionally good at it. I often turned people around and won their confidence in both me and the health insurance company I represented. The other thing I’ll have to remind myself about are the handful of connections I do have (though many are several years old and without contact), and that every connection is a business one, not a personal one. It may or may not matter if I haven’t seen or spoken with some people in months or years, but the important thing is that I’m confident in the product I’m selling. My confidence and willingness to go to war for members on the phones is what made me a great call rep, and that same attitude should be applicable to selling a screenplay to producers.

Logline and Genre: This is a Space Horror story about a father who lost his wife to an outbreak of parasitic alien worms, and who must save his Asperger’s son from suffering the same fate a year later; but in order to save him, the father must rconnect with his son who he’s distanced himself from, on account of the son’s obsession with the very aliens that killed his mother.

What is most attractive about my story: I believe the horror element is attractive both because it supplies a unique take on zombie tropes through body horror and real life inspirations. I also believe the emotional element is attractive because it features a Aspie kid who’s obsessive knowledge of the aliens is both his greatest strength and a detriment to his father’s goal of keeping him alive.

Who will I target first: I think I’ll first try targeting producers, because I’ve worn that hat before and feel like I can think on that level. I also think I may still have a couple of connections there that I might be able to use. It’s a pretty short list, though, so actors would be next, and I think I know at least two that could play the lead character, Sully. I don’t know any managers or agents.

[Cameron Martin]

STAY TUNED FOR A V.3, AS THAT WILL BE POSTED LATER TODAY. THANKS!

Cameron Martin Ready for Critique!

Synopsis:

Following the tragedy of losing his wife, Sully has become distant with his son and paranoid about the prospect of another outbreak. The unthinkable happens, and Sully again tries to collect his Aspie son, Isaiah, to seek safety in the bunker. However, when the two fail to reach the bunker in time before it shuts, they will have to reconcile their trauma and work together to survive.

They receive some help from an old woman named Jude, who turns out to be a spy for the interstellar government known as The Hegemony, which owns the colony this story takes place in. Through Jude’s research and coverup, Sully is able to find an alternate route to the bunker. When he gets there, he discovers that the bunker is full of infected and inadvertently unleashes them through the compound. In the process of getting away, Sully accidentally gets his son infected. With time ticking, Sully is able to save his son from his infection, and reveals the information that Jude covered up to conscripted exterminators that arrive to wipe out everyone caught outside the bunker. One of the exterminators, Markus, who has seen first hand what the Hegemony is willing to do to maintain control of its citizens and now information of its own mistakes, helps Sully and Isaiah escape with the assurance that they will expose the Hegemony to more colonies. Aboard the escape craft, Sully and Isaiah rest together, side by side, waiting for safety to come to them.

_______

INT. CLOSET

BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING.

A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH.

She dials a number on her phone…

It RINGS for an eternity.

BETH

Hello? Hello, Sully?

SULLY

(on the phone)

Beth! Where are you?

BETH

It’s in the room with me.

SULLY

What?

BETH

It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.

Anguished pause.

BETH

Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?

SULLY

Cover your mouth with a shirt and—

BANG! The closet door holds.

BETH

Is our son with you?!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

SULLY

No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!

BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!

Beth presses her feet against the wall, pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.

BETH

It’s our neighbor, Sul!

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY

A torrent of colonists washes down the halls in one direction.

Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, barrels through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love. Into his phone…

SULLY

I’m on my way, Beth!

His phone rings. Another call…

He’s about to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.

SULLY

I’m getting a call from Isaiah. Just hold on. I’m on my way.

He switches the caller…

SULLY

Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!

ISAIAH

(on the phone)

Dad! I’m stuck!

SULLY

No you’re not! Get up and—

ISAIAH

Come get me, please!

SULLY

Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—

ISAIAH

My teacher left me.

Sully checks his watch. The timer on it paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…

SULLY

Hold on, bud! I’m right here, okay! I’m just going to put Mommy on, okay?

No response.

SULLY

Are you shaking you head yes or no?

ISAIAH

Yes.

SULLY

Attaboy.

Sully patches Beth through to Isaiah with a vengeful glare and tears burning in his eyes.

INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT

A young boy around the age of 8, ISAIAH, sits under a desk. His hands and the phone press against his ears like a vice grip.

ISAIAH

Mommy?

BETH

(crying)

I’m here, baby.

ISAIAH

Mommy? Are you crying?

BETH

No, baby. I’m okay…I want you know…I love you.

ISAIAH

I love you, too.

BETH

Daddy’s going to be there any second now.

Isaiah nods his head.

BETH

Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?

Isaiah nods his head again.

ISAIAH

I mean, yes.

BETH

I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much.

A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!

SMASH CUT TO BLACK

INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT

Sully jolts awake. He catches his breath as he eyes a portrait of Beth smiling, happy. Tears begin to stream from his eyes as…

He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should be.

SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER…

The alarm clock reads 3:14.

Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait before shambling to…

THE BATHROOM

The portrait rests next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.

SULLY (V.O.)

Hey, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. He’s like an albino crow, now.

SULLY’S ROOM

Sully gets dressed in scrubs.

SULLY (V.O.)

Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.

KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM

Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.

SULLY

He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…

Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.

SULLY

We miss you.

And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING

The glitter of a sun rising trickles into the room from a window.

KZZT. KZZT. The same window reveals itself as a screen depicting an artificial world beyond the walls of the space colony with each malfunction of static.

A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now around the age of 12, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed.

An uncomfortable time passes…

Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…

Unleashing a cascade of Rube Goldberg mechanisms across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…

KITCHEN

Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.

SULLY (V.O.)

Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—

Isaiah crumples the paper and tosses it in the trash can.

He stews…

Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…

ISAIAH’S ROOM

Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers written by his dad. He closes the drawer.

CLINK.

Isaiah looks under his bed.

ISAIAH

Hold on little buddy.

Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY

A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.

DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung.

He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.

DR. DOUGLAS

Sounds terrible.

DR. MICK

Don’t you start.

DR. DOUGLAS

Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.

DR. MICK

Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.

DR. DOUGLAS

So, nothing to be concerned with?

Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.

DR. MICK

Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.

A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.

Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…

THE TEENAGER’S ROOM

The coughing that dominated the room is supplanted by…

MOM

You’re not his doctor! You have no right!

Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…

Sully, readying a bronchoscope.

DR. MICK

Get away from my patient!

SULLY

You haven’t checked him today.

DR. MICK

I checked him yesterday you egotistical—

SULLY

That was yesterday, Mickey.

DR. DOUGLAS

Dr. Sullivan—

SULLY

If he’s infected—

DR. DOUGLAS

It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.

SULLY

Mickey’s not doing his job.

DR. MICK

I’ve been with this poor boy for years!

Sully ignores his fellow physician, grabbing the gas mask to help put the poor teen to sleep.

MOM

(shoving Sully)

Get away from my son!

SULLY

Your son could kill us all if he’s infected.

MOM

He’s not infected!

SULLY

If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch!

MANAGER (O.S.)

Sully! My office! Now!

Sully grips the bridge of his nose.

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.

SULLY

Sir, if I may—

MANAGER

Just a second.

Sully observes his boss flip through each document with such ferocity that it sounds like the kinetic blasting of an automatic gun.

MANAGER

One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?

SULLY

It’s the total pop—

MANAGER

It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?

SULLY

It’s based on—

MANAGER

Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.

SULLY

You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.

MANAGER

It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.

SULLY

How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?

MANAGER

You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!

SULLY

I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—

MANAGER

Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—

SULLY

Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!

Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.

MANAGER

Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.

SULLY

Sir?

MANAGER

If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.

(grabbing his desk phone)

So, what’s it going to be?

Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.

SULLY

You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy.

The Manager smiles, glee with victory.

SULLY

But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.

MANAGER

Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, Sul, I don’t think you understand.

He begins dialing…

MANAGER

This hurts me more than it does you.

The wail of a siren slashes through the tension between the two, each shifting their attention to its source.

MANAGER

Meeting adjourned.

Both men make a break for the door.

Manager cuts in front of Sully, pushing him aside, before standing in the door.

MANAGER

This isn’t over.

Sully’s fist nails his Manager’s jaw, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!

SULLY

(jumping over manager)

I hope you’re right.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Cameron Martin.

[Cameron Martin]

STAY TUNED FOR A V.3, AS THAT WILL BE POSTED LATER TODAY. THANKS!

Cameron Martin Ready for Critique! (V.2)

[NOTE: First, thank you to Dev, Matthew, Lisa and June for your amazing feedback! I made some changes to the descriptions, making them a little tighter, and updated a couple lines of dialogue. The biggest change is including my original three page teaser, just to see how it performs. It has more of that EXTREME that Matthew was talking about, but leaves the story about what happened to Beth up in the air for a while in the script. Either way is a risk, so let’s find out which one’s more costly. Hope you enjoy!]

Synopsis:

Following the tragedy of losing his wife, Sully has become distant with his son and paranoid about the prospect of another outbreak. The unthinkable happens, and Sully again tries to collect his Aspie son, Isaiah, to seek safety in the bunker. However, when the two fail to reach the bunker in time before it shuts, they will have to reconcile their trauma and work together to survive.

They receive some help from an old woman named Jude, who turns out to be a spy for the interstellar government known as The Hegemony, which owns the colony this story takes place in. Through Jude’s research and coverup, Sully is able to find an alternate route to the bunker. When he gets there, he discovers that the bunker is full of infected and inadvertently unleashes them through the compound. In the process of getting away, Sully accidentally gets his son infected. With time ticking, Sully is able to save his son from his infection, and reveals the information that Jude covered up to conscripted exterminators that arrive to wipe out everyone caught outside the bunker. One of the exterminators, Markus, who has seen first hand what the Hegemony is willing to do to maintain control of its citizens and now information of its own mistakes, helps Sully and Isaiah escape with the assurance that they will expose the Hegemony to more colonies. Aboard the escape craft, Sully and Isaiah rest together, side by side, waiting for safety to come to them.

_______

pg. 1

EXT. SPACE

A NEBULA in the visage of snarled teeth glitters RED.

A green PLANET sails through the vast black between the stars.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

Acid rain SHOWERS a grey windowed slab, with spires of black clouds mixing with the green skies above. A massive ship sleeps next to the structure.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Walls once white are COATED in splotches of maroon BLOOD.

SCREAMS and GUN BLASTS argue over each other as…

SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his twelve year old son, Isaiah, and a baseball bat with two electric nail guns taped to the end. – Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.

Meanwhile, Isaiah, kicks against Sully.

ISAIAH

(coughing)

You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!

A man dressed in a TACTICAL SPACE SUIT runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises a futuristic SHOTGUN.

Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…

Grips his bat with both hands…

And SWINGS it into the head of the spaceman…

Leaving two nails EMBEDDED into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent SKULL.

Isaiah struggles to catch his breath, whooping from every expulsion of air.

Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.

pg. 2

SULLY

Believe it or not, I’m trying to save you. The least you could do is make it easy!

Isaiah coughs harder, his mouth opening wide with unnatural fervor.

Isaiah clutches his hand to his mouth, straining against the pain.

ISAIAH

It’s not my fault that I’m going to die!

SULLY

(convincing himself more than his son)

You’re not going to die!

Sully, reigning himself in.

SULLY

I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.

A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.

SULLY

(to Isaiah)

Please, let me save you, now.

SPACEMAN

Over here!

The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.

Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.

ISAIAH

My mouth is coming out! It hurts! It hurts really, really bad.

SULLY

I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.

He ducks down and runs into another room…

Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…

pg. 3

And hides behind a kitchen counter.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)

Shhh.

The spaceman pads into the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him, shuffle-stepping.

Sully rips the saran wrap, makes an incision in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.

Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

Shhh, shhh.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.

A shot gun BLASTS!

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT

Sully WIDE AWAKE…

Fixated on a portrait of Beth smiling, HAPPY.

He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE. A VOID where his wife should be.

pg. 4

SUPERIMPOSE: 18 HOURS EARLIER…

The alarm clock reads 3:14.

Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait, before shambling to…

THE BATHROOM

The portrait stands next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.

SULLY (V.O.)

Good morning, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. The boy’s like an albino crow, now.

SULLY’S ROOM

Sully gets dressed in scrubs.

SULLY (V.O.)

Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.

KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM

Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.

pg. 5

SULLY

He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…

Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.

SULLY

We miss you.

And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING

The GLITTER OF DAWN trickles into the room from a window.

KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions, struggling to depict a world beyond the walls of the space colony.

A twelve year old boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed.

An uncomfortable time passes…

Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…

Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…

KITCHEN

Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.

SULLY (V.O.)

Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—

Isaiah CRUMPLES the paper and TOSSES it in the trash can.

He stews…

Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…

ISAIAH’S ROOM

Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers from Dad. He closes the drawer.

CLINK.

Isaiah looks under his bed.

ISAIAH

Hold on little buddy.

pg. 6

Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, A GLASS TANK. Some THING SLITHERS, its form undefined.

INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – CONT. – DAY

A perfectly calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots.

No sign of any possible incident.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY

A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.

DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out of a room where a teenager’s busy COUGHING up a lung.

He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.

DR. DOUGLAS

Sounds terrible.

DR. MICK

Don’t you start.

DR. DOUGLAS

Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.

DR. MICK

Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.

DR. DOUGLAS

So, nothing to be concerned with?

Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position.

DR. MICK

Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.

pg. 7

A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.

Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…

THE TEENAGER’S ROOM

MOM

You’re not his doctor! You have no right!

Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…

Sully, readying a BRONCHOSCOPE.

DR. MICK

Get away from my patient!

SULLY

You haven’t checked him today.

DR. MICK

I checked him yesterday you egotistical—

SULLY

That was yesterday, Mickey.

DR. DOUGLAS

Dr. Sullivan—

SULLY

If he’s infected—

DR. DOUGLAS

It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.

SULLY

Mickey’s not doing his job.

DR. MICK

Not doing my-You’re not even a real physician! You missing an opportunity to work with tools for a living—

SULLY

I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain just told me to go for the bigger number.

(grabbing the gas mask for the teen)

And your son could kill us all if he’s infected.

pg. 8

MOM

(shoving Sully away)

He’s not infected!

SULLY

If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch!

MANAGER (O.S.)

Sully! My office! Now!

Sully grips the bridge of his nose.

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.

SULLY

Sir, if I may—

MANAGER

Just a second.

Sully watches his boss flip through the stack with the ABPLOMP of a card dealer.

MANAGER

One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?

SULLY

It’s the total pop—

MANAGER

It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?

SULLY

It’s based on—

MANAGER

Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.

pg. 9

SULLY

You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.

MANAGER

It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.

SULLY

How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?

MANAGER

You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!

SULLY

I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—

MANAGER

Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—

SULLY

Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!

Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.

MANAGER

Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.

pg. 10

SULLY

Sir?

MANAGER

If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.

(grabbing his desk phone)

So, what’s it going to be?

Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.

SULLY

You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy.

The Manager smiles, glee with victory.

SULLY

But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.

MANAGER

Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, I don’t think you understand. So, you see Sul…

He begins dialing…

MANAGER

This hurts me more than it does you.

WAAAAIIIILL! The SIREN rips their attention away from each other!

MANAGER

Meeting adjourned.

Both men make a break for the door.

Manager CUTS in front of Sully and barricades the door.

MANAGER

This isn’t over.

Sully DRILLS the Manager’s JAW, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!

SULLY

(jumping over his boss)

I hope you’re right.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Cameron Martin.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin Ready for Critique (V.3)

[NOTE: Thank you to Antonio, Dana, Kate, and Dev again! Went back to my original opening because I feel it sets up everything better. I do think there’s one moment I added that may be a little over the top, but we’ll see. Considering reworking the whole Manager scene. It does a lot but there may be a better way to communicate the themes and exposition if Sully is in the more active role promoting them instead of an opposing boss. In the meantime, hope you enjoy!]

Synopsis:

Following the tragedy of losing his wife, Sully has become distant with his son and paranoid about the prospect of another outbreak. The unthinkable happens, and Sully again tries to collect his Aspie son, Isaiah, to seek safety in the bunker. However, when the two fail to reach the bunker in time before it shuts, they will have to reconcile their trauma and work together to survive.

They receive some help from an old woman named Jude, who turns out to be a spy for the interstellar government known as The Hegemony, which owns the colony this story takes place in. Through Jude’s research and coverup, Sully is able to find an alternate route to the bunker. When he gets there, he discovers that the bunker is full of infected and inadvertently unleashes them through the compound. In the process of getting away, Sully accidentally gets his son infected. With time ticking, Sully is able to save his son from his infection, and reveals the information that Jude covered up to conscripted exterminators that arrive to wipe out everyone caught outside the bunker. One of the exterminators, Markus, who has seen first hand what the Hegemony is willing to do to maintain control of its citizens and now information of its own mistakes, helps Sully and Isaiah escape with the assurance that they will expose the Hegemony to more colonies. Aboard the escape craft, Sully and Isaiah rest together, side by side, waiting for safety to come to them.

_______

pg. 1

INT. CLOSET

BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING.

A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH – the bedrock of her family.

She dials a number on her phone…

It RINGS for an eternity.

BETH

Babe? Sully?

SULLY

(on the phone)

Beth! Where are you?

BETH

It’s in the room with me.

SULLY

What?

BETH

It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.

Anguished pause.

BETH

Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?

SULLY

Cover your mouth with a shirt and—

BANG! The closet door holds.

BETH

Is our son with you?!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

SULLY

No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!

BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!

Beth PRESSES her feet against the wall…

Pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.

pg. 2

BETH

It’s our neighbor, Sul!

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY

A TORRENT of colonists WASHES down the halls.

Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, BARRELS through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love. Into his phone…

SULLY

I’m on my way, Beth!

His phone rings. Another call…

He’s goes to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.

SULLY

I’m getting a call from Isaiah. I don’t know why he’s calling me- Just hold on. I’m on my way.

He switches the caller…

SULLY

Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!

ISAIAH

(on the phone)

Dad! I’m stuck!

SULLY

No you’re not! Get up and—

ISAIAH

Come get me, please!

SULLY

Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—

ISAIAH

My teacher left me.

Sully checks his watch…

The timer paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…

SULLY

Isaiah, I…I really need you to be brave right now.

pg. 3

ISAIAH

No! I can’t!

SULLY

Please, buddy. Do it for me and mommy, okay?

ISAIAH

I can’t.

SULLY

(burning tears welling up)

Okay. Just hold on. I’m going to put Mommy on, okay?

No response.

SULLY

Are you shaking your head yes or no?

ISAIAH

Yes.

SULLY

Attaboy.

INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT

An eight year old boy, ISAIAH, sits under a desk. His hands and the phone PRESS against his ears like a vice grip.

ISAIAH

Mommy?

Beth

(crying through the phone)

I’m here, baby.

ISAIAH

Mommy? Are you crying?

BETH

No, baby. I’m okay. I want you know I love you.

ISAIAH

I love you, too.

BETH

Daddy’s going to be there any second now.

pg. 4

Isaiah nods his head.

BETH

Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?

Isaiah nods his head again.

ISAIAH

I mean, yes.

BETH

I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much!

A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!

The phone drops to the ground.

BETH

(through the phone)

Please, GOD! PLEASE! no, No, NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

SMASH CUT TO BLACK

INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT

Sully WIDE AWAKE…

Fixated on a portrait of Beth smiling, HAPPY.

He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE. A VOID where his wife should be.

SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER…

The alarm clock reads 3:14.

Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait, before shambling to…

THE BATHROOM

The portrait stands next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.

SULLY (V.O.)

Good morning, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. The boy’s like an albino crow, now.

pg. 5

SULLY’S ROOM

Sully gets dressed in scrubs.

SULLY (V.O.)

Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because…I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.

KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM

Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.

SULLY

He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…

Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.

SULLY

We can’t do it without you. I…remind me how to be with him again. Please. Because I don’t remember how.

And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING

The GLITTER OF DAWN trickles into the room from a window.

KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions, struggling to depict a world beyond the walls of the space colony.

A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now twelve, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed…

For a long time…Analyzing something…

Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…

Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…

pg. 6

KITCHEN

Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.

SULLY (V.O.)

Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—

Isaiah CRUMPLES the paper and TOSSES it in the trash can.

He stews…

Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…

ISAIAH’S ROOM

Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers from Dad. He closes the drawer.

CLINK.

Isaiah looks under his bed.

ISAIAH

Hold on little buddy.

Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, A GLASS TANK. Some THING SLITHERS, its form undefined.

INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – DAY

A calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots. A cobbled mix of old and future tech – like out of a Simon Stålenhag painting.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY

A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.

DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out of a room where a teenager’s busy COUGHING up a lung.

He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.

pg. 7

DR. DOUGLAS

Sounds terrible.

DR. MICK

Don’t you start.

DR. DOUGLAS

Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.

DR. MICK

Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.

DR. DOUGLAS

So, nothing to be concerned with?

Dr. Mick scoffs.

DR. MICK

Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.

A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.

Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…

THE TEENAGER’S ROOM

MOM shields her son who’s laying on the medical bed.

MOM

You’re not his doctor! You have no right!

Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…

Sully, readying a BRONCHOSCOPE.

DR. MICK

Get away from my patient!

SULLY

You haven’t checked him today.

DR. MICK

I checked him yesterday you egotistical—

SULLY

That was yesterday, Mickey.

pg. 8

DR. DOUGLAS

Dr. Sullivan—

SULLY

If he’s infected—

DR. DOUGLAS

It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.

SULLY

Mickey’s not doing his job.

DR. MICK

Not doing my-You’re not even a real physician!

SULLY

My medical license says otherwise.

DR. MICK

You’re a bitter actor that missed out on—

SULLY

I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain told me to go for the bigger number.

(grabbing the gas mask for the teen)

I’m still going with the bigger number. We will have another outbreak, and more people will die, if your son is infected. Move.

MOM

(shoving Sully away)

He’s not infected!

SULLY

If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays! I pay! My son pays! My wife is dead! She paid because of people like you!

MANAGER (O.S.)

Sully! My office! Now!

Sully drops everything. Eyes his MANAGER at the entrance, and obeys the Manager’s “come here” trigger finger.

pg. 9

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.

SULLY

Sir, if I may—

MANAGER

Just a second.

Sully watches his boss flip through the stack with the ABPLOMP of a card dealer.

MANAGER

One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?

SULLY

It’s the total pop—

MANAGER

It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?

SULLY

It’s based on—

MANAGER

Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. This colony is owned by the largest governmental entity off Earth. The Hegemony controls the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here.

SULLY

You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.

MANAGER

It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of a system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.

pg. 10

SULLY

How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?

MANAGER

You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!

SULLY

I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—

MANAGER

Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—

SULLY

Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!

Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.

MANAGER

Let me make this perfectly clear to you. This “ends justifies the means” approach isn’t for you to decide. It’s already laid out in protocol. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. We all have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.

SULLY

Sir?

MANAGER

If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you from the burden of “protecting” him.

(grabbing his desk phone)

So, what’s it going to be?

[Cameron Martin]

What I learned doing this assignment…I heard of this concept of judging a script off of the first page. This is something I’ll probably come back to time and again to refresh and hone future scripts. I kind of did this already in the previous assignment, so there wasn’t as much to change with my first page for this assignment. However, in the event I need to change the opening, I’ll be able to tackle that challenge knowing that it’ll start with a provocative and captivating first page.

_______

INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – NIGHT

A young boy, ISAIAH, around the age of 12 and a high functioning Aspie, lays in bed, ALONE, holding his ears closed and humming to himself.

In his eyes…

EXT. SPACE

A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red, as a green planet sails through the vast black between the stars.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

Acid rain SHOWERS a grey windowed slab, with spires of black clouds mixing with the green skies above. A massive ship sleeps next to the soulless structure.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Walls once white are COATED in splotches of maroon BLOOD.

SCREAMS and GUN BLASTS argue over each other as…

SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his son, Isaiah, and a BASEBALL BAT with TWO ELECTRIC NAIL GUNS taped to the end. – Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.

Meanwhile, Isaiah, kicks against Sully.

ISAIAH

(coughing)

You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!

A man dressed in a TACTICAL SPACE SUIT runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah…

Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…

The spaceman RAISES A futuristic SHOTGUN.

Sully grips his bat and SWINGS it into the head of the spaceman…

CHNNG! KABOOM!!

Leaving two nails EMBEDDED into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent SKULL.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Rough Draft

What I learned doing this assignment is…Honestly , this was tough. I didn’t like editing my opening down as much as I have, but in trying to meet the requirements as listed, I did learn to cut seven pages. It’s not the first time I’ve cut pages our, but this is the most extensive. I wanted to do a full rewrite, but with everything I had set up in the original it was faster to just cut everything *technically* unessential. I’ll try tinkering with the opening more for the next week, but where it is now allows me to move on.

OUTLINE:

Pages 1-3: Teaser (Middle of Third Act)

Pages 4-7: Getting Ready

Objectives – Wife/Mother is deceased

– Isaiah is socially awkward but exceptionally intelligent…

– and Isaiah is hiding something…

Pages 7-10: Medical Center

Objectives – Sully is a doctor

– Isaiah breaks a bronchoscope

– Alarm goes off

_______

INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – NIGHT

A young boy, ISAIAH, around the age of 12 and a high functioning Aspie, lays in bed, ALONE, holding his ears closed and humming to himself.

In his eyes…

EXT. SPACE

A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.

A green planet sails through the vast black between the stars.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

Acid rain SHOWERS a grey windowed slab, with spires of black clouds mixing with the green skies above. A massive ship sleeps next to the structure.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Walls once white are COATED in splotches of maroon BLOOD.

SCREAMS and GUN BLASTS argue over each other as…

SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his son, Isaiah, and a baseball bat with two electric nail guns taped to the end. – Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.

Meanwhile, Isaiah, kicks against Sully.

ISAIAH

(coughing)

You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!

A man dressed in a TACTICAL SPACE SUIT runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises a futuristic SHOTGUN.

Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…

Grips his bat with both hands…

And SWINGS it into the head of the spaceman…

Leaving two nails EMBEDDED into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent SKULL.

Isaiah struggles to catch his breath, whooping from every expulsion of air.

Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.

SULLY

Believe it or not, I’m trying to save you. The least you could do is make it easy!

Isaiah coughs harder, his mouth opening unnaturally wide.

Isaiah clutches his hand to his mouth, tears streaming from his eyes at the pain.

ISAIAH

It’s not my fault that I’m going to die!

SULLY

(convincing himself more than his son)

You’re not going to die!

Sully, reigning himself in.

SULLY

I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.

A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.

SULLY

(to Isaiah)

Please, let me save you, now.

SPACEMAN

Over here!

The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.

Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.

ISAIAH

My mouth is coming out! It hurts! It hurts really, really bad.

Sully

I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.

He ducks down and runs into another room…

Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…

And hides behind a kitchen counter.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)

Shhh.

The spaceman pads into the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him, shuffle-stepping.

Sully rips the saran wrap, makes an incision in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.

Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

Shhh, shhh.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.

A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

INT. Space Colony – Sully’s Room – Night

Sully jolts awake. He catches his breath as he eyes a portrait of a woman smiling, happy. Tears begin to stream from his eyes as…

He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should be.

SUPERIMPOSE: 18 HOURS EARLIER

SULLY (V.O.)

Open wide, kiddo.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – MORNING

The glitter of a sun rising trickles into the room from a window.

KZZT. KZZT. The same window reveals itself as a screen depicting an artificial world beyond the walls of the space colony with each malfunction of static.

We pan back to see the remainder of the room – crisp, organized, more reminiscent of a hotel room than a lived in apartment.

ISAIAH (O.S.)

Aaaaaaaaaah.

SULLY (O.S.)

You’re fine.

ISAIAH (O.S.)

No I’m not. *cough, cough*

Sully tries looking Isaiah in the eye, but Isaiah’s eyes look in every direction except toward his father.

SULLY

What’s here that’s more exciting than what you’ve got going on at school today?

ISAIAH

Nothing.

SULLY

(gears turning)

Yeah. Nothing.

Sully gets up and strides toward Isaiah’s room, door closed. In fact, all of the doors are closed.

ISAIAH

Dad, wait.

SULLY

Where’s your cough?

ISAIAH

*COUGH, COUGH!*

Sully tries turning the handle. Locked.

SULLY

You locked your door?

ISAIAH

*Cough* No adults allowed. *Cough*

SULLY

(reaching above the door frame)

Mhmm.

Sully recovers a small key hiding atop the door frame.

ISAIAH

Dad!

SULLY

(plugging the key in the handle)

Isaiah, some day you’ll understand that fifty percent of a parent’s job is to assume what their teenage child tells him is bullshit.

ISAIAH

I’m not a teenager.

SULLY

Semantics.

ISAIAH

Mom wouldn’t have forced me to go to school with a cough.

Sully ignores the prompt as he opens the door with all the gravitas of someone about to catch a lie.

REEEEAAARRGH!! A flash of teeth pounce on Sully’s face.

Sully leaps back in a panic.

His eyes settle down, eyeing…

A plastic dinosaur, still sounding off an electronic roar, attached to a lever sprung up from the carpet floor.

Sully braves the unknown of his son’s Rube Goldberg Machine of a room. Everywhere different mechanisms move and flow.

SULLY

(with the enthusiasm of receiving someone else’s food order)

Isaiah, what the hell is all this?

ISAIAH

*Cough.*

SULLY

Listen. This is all very impressive. I wish school was half as interesting for someone as smart as you.

ISAIAH

They’re still stuck on the FOIL method! I have half of the formulas memorized at this point!

SULLY

However—

ISAIAH

I’ll go.

SULLY

Attaboy.

Sully and Isaiah exit his room. Isaiah looks behind him, like he’s checking something.

SULLY

Hey.

ISAIAH

Yeah, dad?

SULLY

(squeezing him a little tighter)

I love you.

ISAIAH

Love you too, dad.

Under Isaiah’s bed, dark and unobserved, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.

INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – CONT. – DAY

A perfectly calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots.

No sign of any possible incident.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY

A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.

DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung.

He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.

DR. DOUGLAS

Sounds terrible.

DR. MICK

Don’t you start.

DR. DOUGLAS

Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.

DR. MICK

Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.

DR. DOUGLAS

So, nothing to be concerned with?

Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.

DR. MICK

Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.

A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.

Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…

ISAIAH (O.S.)

And because the vents have so much moisture in them, and they go to the outside—

Assistant

(to Isaiah)

Come on. This isn’t a safe place for little boys.

ISAIAH

(to Assistant)

In a minute.

(to Sully)

Dad—

SULLY

Isaiah, go back to school. It’s not safe here.

ISAIAH

But, it’s not safe anywhere. Anyway, you gotta see this!

SULLY

(to Assistant)

Get him out of here.

The Assistant takes Isaiah by the arm, but Isaiah he pulls away, eyes fixed on the ground and humming a steady tone.

SULLY

(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders and holding him still)

Isaiah, look at me.

ISAIAH

MMHMM!

SULLY

Isaiah, I need you to listen. Look me in the eye so I know you’re listening.

Isaiah looks up at his dad, and shuts his eyes tight.

SULLY

Isaiah? Kid?

(losing it)

Look at me!

Isaiah starts laughing nervously.

SULLY

Do you know what you broke? It wasn’t a line. It was a tool that could let us see and remove…medical term? Stuff that gets stuck in your lungs. I can’t imagine how that might be useful.

Isaiah

I’m sorry.

Sully

I need your help, because I don’t know how to FIX YOU.

Isaiah runs away to home.

MANAGER (O.S.)

Sully! My office! Now!

Sully grips the bridge of his nose again.

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.

SULLY

Sir, if I may—

MANAGER

One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?

SULLY

It’s the total pop—

MANAGER

It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?

SULLY

It’s based on—

MANAGER

Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.

SULLY

You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.

MANAGER

It’s not politics. It’s you and your son making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.

SULLY

I understand. If I may—

Manager

You don’t understand. I understand. I understand you lost your wife to those things, and I understand that’s made it hard for you. You don’t understand what I’ll be forced to do if you refuse to take ownership of your actions or the actions of your out-of-control child, and align with the interests of The Hegemony. If you can’t get it together between you two, then I’ll make sure The Hegemony takes your son and aligns him to their vision.

SULLY

I’ll admit. You’re right. I’ve been reckless and this is space. We can’t take chances.

Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, anticipating the next few words to target.

SULLY

I’ll be more considerate to protocol. You have my word on that. But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.

The wail of a siren slashes through the tension between the two, each shifting their attention to its source.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Opening Scene is Irresistible!

What I learned doing this assignment is…following this checklist can help you make quick work of filtering through your ideas to find the best one. It came down to options 1, 3, and 5 pretty quickly, with my original opening checking all the boxes most expressively. I’m not gonna lie though, I really liked the opening I came up with that shows an argument between Sully and his wife in a dream sequence where Beth tries to kill him, and Sully wakes up in his bed alone. My only concern is whether or not it introduces the story world with as much intrigue as option 1, or if it checks the box for an “Atmosphere of Evil.” I’ve already written the original opening, and the only change I may make is giving Sully’s dialogue more of an arc, having him go from reassuring to apologizing, from feigning confidence to emotional breakdown. Still, for the sake of the exercise, I decided to write the argument opening to just see what I could come up with…

And, I kind of like it. On one hand, it introduces the central theme better, and presents a bigger spotlight on what the story’s going to be about. On the other hand, there’s barely anything shown that this takes place on an alien planet in the future. Apart from what a set designer comes up with, and a couple of lines, it doesn’t show what the feel is going to be from an action sense. But on the other hand (starting to sound like Tevye from FIDDLER ON THE ROOF) this is MUCH less expensive to shoot: three people max, one location, very little blocking, etc. It also contrasts beautifully with the final image between Sully and Isaiah side by side. I’ll keep this alternate opening for a while and see how it goes with the rest of this module.

_______

INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – NIGHT

A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, around the age of 12, lays in bed, holding his ears closed and humming to himself.

MAN (O.S.)

He’s fine.

WOMAN (O.S.)

He’s not fine. You can’t keep pushing him like this.

INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

The man and woman arguing are SULLY and BETH.

SULLY

I’m pushing him no different than how I was pushed and prodded at his age, and look what it did for us. We’re pioneers, at the farthest reaches of space!

BETH

He’s not you, though.

SULLY

Bullshit! He’s MY son isn’t he?

BETH

What’s that supposed to mean?

SULLY

Stop. Don’t make this into something else.

BETH

Well, what am I making it into?

SULLY

You know exactly what you’re making it into. Stop it before—

BETH

(minor coughing)

Before what! What are you going to do? You can’t control me any batter than you control our son.

SULLY

Is he not my kid?—

BETH

He’s OUR kid—

SULLY

Well, we agree on something! He’s a kid. A stupid child that doesn’t know better! WE have to be the parents here!—

BETH

I am his parent!—

SULLY

I’m not saying you aren’t!—

BETH

(coughing intensifies)

And as his MOTHER, I know a hell of a lot more of what his needs are than you!

SULLY

Look, sweetheart—

BETH

Don’t you sweetheart me, you—

SULLY

You didn’t grow up as a dumb as a box of rocks BOY! Maybe girls are ready right out of the box, but as smart as he is, he’s still a boy who needs direction.

BETH

Boy’s are no more complicated than girls.

SULLY

Exactly!—

BETH

(quoting)

They’re like houseplants. You give them water and sunshine, and they’re good to go, remember?

SULLY

That’s not the—

BETH

(her mouth opening unnaturally wide with each cough)

That’s what you said. You joked about that for YEARS! Let me ask you, since you’re such a smart guy, have you seen ANYONE EVER get on to a HOUSEPLANT!?

SULLY

He’s a lot smarter than I ever was, which is why my expectations are so high! Now, take it easy—

BETH

WHY!? BECAUSE WE’RE OUT IN SPACE1? IS THAT THE EXCUSE AGAIN!?

Sully

There’s something wrong with you—

BETH

NO! THIS IS ABOUT YOU! THIS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SON! AND YOU’RE GOING FUCK IT UP!!

Beth’s mouth SPLITS at the seams, COATING her now visible molars in her own BLOOD.

Sully RUNS for it! The lights BLACK OUT as he breaks into…

ISAIAH’S ROOM

And SLAMS the door on Beth! The door QUAKES – the sound of Beth’s ENTIRE BODY THRASHING against the door…

Sully runs for the bed – the sheets still molding around the form of a young child…

BANG! BANG! BANG! – The door holds…

SULLY

Isaiah, wake up! We have to—

Sully turns the form under the covers over…Before the sheets COLLAPSE. Nobody’s in the bed.

The door opens WITHOUT A SOUND, as the lights come back on…Revealing Beth, with a torn smile carved across her cheeks.

SULLY

(turning around)

Beth, I’m so sorry. I tried—

Beth LUNGES for her husband, shredded mouth OPEN WIDE, RIPPING SULLY’S JUGULAR OUT!

INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT

Sully jolts awake. He catches his breath as he eyes a portrait of Beth, smiling, happy. Tears begin to stream from his eyes as…

He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Openings!

What I learned doing this assignment is…brainstorming can be an exhaustive creative exercise, but there’s no limit to what you can come up with. I really liked my initial opening. I think it does everything I want it to, and yet, there are some others I didn’t even know could work so well. I don’t want to make the mistake of some films, like VENOM or JOHN CARTER, and have more than one opening, thus restarting the film over and over again. But there’re a couple of these that could work really well as future scenes and may even serve as a better opener when thinking of the themes of this story. Four of these endings should fit the “Atmosphere of Evil” convention of Horror movie openings. The Jude opening can fit this style of opening if I write her dialogue to be ominous and superimposed over morally questionable acts.

1. Action Opening from another place in the movie…

Sully and Isaiah fight their way through the crossfire between ravenous zombies and spacemen. Sully’s apologizing to his son who appears very sick. Sully’s also taking responsibility, saying it’s all his fault for the mayhem occurring around them.

2. The Shocking Opening from a different point in the movie…

As people congregate in a bunker, a family with their teenager and pediatrician work to try to resuscitate their teenage son. A lethal syringe is used to euthanize him before something horrible happens, only for the son to open his mouth wide and break it from his skull. The doctor injects himself with the lethal solution.

3. Instant conflict opening with a twist/trick…

Sully and Beth argue about his treatment of Isaiah. Sully believes Isaiah should be treated like a normal kid and should be held to high expectations like any kid should be, while Beth argues that because Isaiah is an exceptional child, then he should be treated with exceptions. This argument builds to a boiling point before Beth’s mouth cracks open from her skull and devours Sully’s jugular — prompting Sully to wake up, alone in his bed.

4. The unique character VO that’s unusual…

Jude presents her case for why she should be “handed the reigns” for the new space colony that this story takes place on. It’s a job interview VO, while Jude surveys the space colony and covers up little things and experiments on one of the worms with fungus shoots in its head.

5. The Setup/Twist Opening with a unique character…

Isaiah appears to be scurrying away from a hostile monster, only for the thing he’s really scared of to be his dad finding out he’s not in bed. The monster he was running from is actually his pet.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin Loves This Opening!

What I learned from doing this assignment…How much goes into the first 10 pages of a script. I wanted to go with THE DARK KNIGHT, but felt that because there was Batman in the film, and it was a sequel, that it had an unfair advantage. So I went with another Christopher Nolan film because the man just knows hows to open a movie. It’s pretty much the same exact opening for every movie, but it never feels monotonous. Each of films starts with a teaser, an action sequence predicated on obtaining an easy to understand target, and a major twist that changes our perception of what we just watched and how we see the action going forward. Again, the structure isn’t hard to understand, but because each film utilizes a new concept, it keeps each opening fresh. I lucked my way into this strategy when I first started writing OPEN WIDE back in 2019. I may have said this before about it, but there was nothing really that inspired me to write it other than the frustration of not writing anything for a while. I told my wife that after she and our son went to bed, I’d be staying up and would just write something stupid, something I couldn’t take seriously, like alien parasites or making people’s mouths explode out of their heads or something. If the idea was dumb enough, then I’d be able to write it without getting bogged down in editing or worrying about outlining. I was wrong, but I did get about 17 pages in after deciding to start the film from an inciting incident and just floor it with the action. It led me to create Jude, the aliens, the bunker being unsafe, and the conscripted exterminators, while introducing all of them in the opening act. Even though I had no idea of where to go next and resorted to rewriting the story as a sonnet, I had an opening strong enough to stick with me for the next couple of years until I started this course. I haven’t worked on anything with a slow opening since. The fast paced start creates this sense of urgency with the intrigue, and compels you to keep reading. The only difficulty in it is maintaining that rapid pace. But if you structure the hell out of your story, you can have this Christopher Nolan style, all gas and no breaks opening that keeps you on the edge of your seat until the “Fade Out.”

—————

Film Chosen: INCEPTION

FADE IN:

DAWN. CRASHING SURF.

The waves TOSS a BEARDED MAN onto wet sand. He lies there.

A CHILD’S SHOUT makes him LIFT his head to see: a LITTLE BLONDE BOY crouching, back towards us, watching the tide eat a SANDCASTLE. A LITTLE BLONDE GIRL joins the boy. The Bearded Man tries to call them, but they RUN OFF, FACES UNSEEN. He COLLAPSES.

The barrel of a rifle ROLLS the Bearded Man onto his back. A JAPANESE SECURITY GUARD looks down at him, then calls up the beach to a colleague leaning against a JEEP. Behind them is a cliff, and on top of that, a JAPANESE CASTLE.

INT. ELEGANT DINING ROOM, JAPANESE CASTLE – LATER

The Security Guard waits as an ATTENDANT speaks to an ELDERLY JAPANESE MAN sitting at the dining table, back to us.

ATTENDANT

(in Japanese)

He was delirious. But he asked for you by name. And…

(to the Security Guard)

Show him.

SECURITY GUARD

(in Japanese)

He was carrying nothing but this…

He puts a HANDGUN on the table. The Elderly Man keeps eating.

SECURITY GUARD

…and this.

The Security Guard places a SMALL PEWTER CONE alongside the gun. The Elderly Man STOPS eating. Picks up the cone.

ELDERLY JAPANESE MAN

(in Japanese)

Bring him here. And some food.

INT. SAME – MOMENTS LATER

The Elderly Man watches the Bearded Man WOLF down his food. He SLIDES the handgun down the table towards him.

ELDERLY JAPANESE MAN

(in English)

Are you here to kill me?

The Bearded Man glances up at him, then back to his food.

(NOTE: It’s the first page and we have already have so much intrigue. Where are we, when are we? We’ve seen the gun before in other films, but what’s with the spinning top? Since when does a spinning top get this much attention? Who were the kids and where did they go? And there’s the line “Are you here to kill me?” All of that was set up in one page. Even if you think this script is going to disappoint you, you’re at least curious as to how.)

2.

The Elderly Japanese Man picks up the cone between thumb and forefinger.

ELDERLY JAPANESE MAN

I know what this is.

He SPINS it onto a table- it CIRCLES gracefully across the polished ebony… a SPINNING TOP.

ELDERLY JAPANESE MAN

I’ve seen one before. Many, many years ago…

The Elderly Japanese Man STARES at the top mesmerized.

ELDERLY JAPANESE MAN

It belonged to a man I met in a half-remembered dream…

MOVE IN on the GRACEFULLY SPINNING TOP…

ELDERLY JAPANESE MAN

A man possessed of some radical notions…

The Elderly Japanese Man STARES, remembering…

COBB (V.O.)

What’s the most resilient parasite?

CUT TO:

INT. SAME ELEGANT DINING ROOM – NIGHT (YEARS EARLIER)

The speaker, COBB, is 35, handsome, tailored. A young

Japanese man, SAITO, eats as he listens.

COBB

A bacteria? A virus?

Cobb gestures at their feast with his wine glass-

COBB

An intestinal worm?

Saito’s fork pauses, mid-air. Cobb GRINS. A third man is at the table- ARTHUR. He jumps in to save the pitch-

ARTHUR

What Mr. Cobb is trying to say-

COBB

An idea.

Saito looks at Cobb, curious.

3.

COBB

Resilient, highly contagious. Once an idea’s taken hold in the brain it’s almost impossible to eradicate. A person can cover it up, ignore it- but it stays there.

SAITO

But surely-to forget…?

COBB

Information, yes. But an idea? Fully formed, understood? That sticks…

(taps forehead)

In there, somewhere.

SAITO

For someone like you to steal?

ARTHUR

Yes. In the dream state, conscious defenses are lowered and your thoughts become vulnerable to theft. It’s called extraction.

COBB

But, Mr. Saito, we can train your subconscious to defend itself from even the most skilled extractor.

SAITO

How can you do that?

COBB

Because I am the most skilled extractor. I know how to search your mind and find your secrets. I know the tricks, and I can teach them to your subconscious so that even when you’re asleep, your guard is never down.

Cobb leans forwards. Holding Saito’s gaze.

COBB

But if I’m going to help you, you have to be completely open to me. I’ll need to know my way around your thoughts better than your wife, your analyst, anyone.

(gestures around)

If this is a dream and you’ve got a safe full of secrets, I need to know what’s in that safe. For this to work, you have to let me in.

(NOTE: Just as Hal said, we have our twist by the third page (one of many in this sequence actually). We don’t just flashback briefly. We stay in this flashback for the rest of the film. The opening was just a teaser to make us wonder. We want to solve the puzzle, and we’re so engaged with it, that when the exposition dump happens, we want to know what we just watched. And, with this exposition dump (which, by the way, is handled appropriately considering the context of it being an interview for a job we’re still learning about) we’re also given a twist and the question of the movie: If anything can be a dream, could this too be a dream?

4.

Saito gives this a flicker of a smile. Rises. A BODYGUARD opens double doors which give onto a LAVISH PARTY.

SAITO

Gentlemen. Enjoy your evening as I consider your proposal.

They watch Saito leave. Arthur turns to Cobb, worried-

ARTHUR

He knows.

Cobb motions silence. A TREMOR starts, they steady their glasses, Cobb glances at his watch- THE SECOND HAND IS FROZEN.

ARTHUR

What’s going on up there?

And we-

CUT TO:

FILTHY BATHROOM – DAY (FEELS LIKE DIFFERENT TIME)

Cobb, ASLEEP, SITTING IN A CHAIR AT THE END OF A STEAMING BATH. The chair is up on a cabinet- the bottom of the legs level with the rim of the tub.

A sweating man (40’s) watches over Cobb. This is NASH. A distant EXPLOSION rumbles through the room. Nash moves to the window, parts the curtains. Outside: a CHAOTIC DEVELOPING-WORLD CITY- the street filled with RIOTERS- SMASHING, BURNING.

Nash checks Cobb’s left wrist: above his watch, tape holds TWO THIN YELLOW TUBES in place. Nash looks at Cobb’s watch-

THE SECOND HAND CRAWLS UNNATURALLY SLOWLY.

Nash follows the tubes to a SILVER BRIEFCASE at Arthur’s feet: ARTHUR IS ASLEEP in an armchair. Tubes connect the briefcase to Arthur’s wrist.

Nash follows another set of tubes from the briefcase to where they pass under the door to the bedroom. Through the crack of the door, Nash sees SAITO ASLEEP on the bed, tubes running to his wrist. BOOM- a closer EXPLOSION, and we-

CUT TO:

INT. BULLET TRAIN COMPARTMENT – DAY (FEELS LIKE DIFFERENT TIME)

Nash, ASLEEP. Head ROCKING AGAINST THE WINDOW as the train BUMPS OVER A ROUGH PIECE OF TRACK.

5.

A Japanese Man, TODASHI (18) watches Nash nervously. He checks Nash’s wrist: TWO YELLOW TUBES CONNECT NASH WITH THREE OTHER SLEEPING MEN IN THE COMPARTMENT: COBB, ARTHUR, SAITO.

Todashi checks his watch: THE SECOND HAND TICKS IN REAL TIME. Another TRAIN PASSES in the opposite direction with a MIGHTY WHUMP- Todashi’s eyes FLY to Nash’s sleeping face-

NASH JERKS WITH THE MOVEMENT OF THE TRAIN, and we-

(NOTE: In the space of one page, we’re given a ton of information. The events we were watching were a dream, but then there’s another twist we weren’t expecting: the “real world” was also just a dream. The only thing we have to go off of so far to tell what’s “real” and what isn’t is the time. And we haven’t even had time to consider whether the whole time thing can even be trusted. Plus, there’s a ton of intrigue created from within each layer of dreaming. What’s with the rioters, and will they be a problem for the characters we’re following? Will anyone catch what they’re doing on the train?)

CUT TO:

INT. FILTHY BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

Another EXPLOSION- Nash CHECKS the sleeping Cobb and we-

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOFTOP TERRACES, JAPANESE CASTLE – NIGHT

A LOW TREMOR RUMBLES THROUGH THE CASTLE. Cobb and Arthur steady themselves against the wooden rail. Several TILES and pieces of MASONRY fall. Below them a BLACK SEA churns. Other GUESTS wander the massive terraces.

ARTHUR

Saito knows. He’s playing with us.

COBB

I can get it here. The information’s in the safe- he looked right at it when I mentioned secrets.

Arthur nods. Then spots someone over Cobb’s shoulder.

ARTHUR

What’s she doing here, Cobb?

Cobb turns to see a beautiful woman, elegantly dressed, staring out at the sea. This is MAL. Cobb watches her.

COBB

You just get to your room. I’ll take care of the rest.

ARTHUR

See that you do. We’re here to work.

Arthur brushes past Mal, shaking his head. She nears Cobb. Looks out at the DROP. The WIND WHIPS HER HAIR-

(NOTE: And in the space of another page, we’re given two more things. First, we have a specific goal. Cobb is a thief, a thief of ideas, and is trying to steal an idea now. Second, who is the woman, and what’s her connection? If this is a dream, why would Cobb or Arthur care? We have to read on to find out more.)

(NOTE: By the end of the following five pages (the top of page 10 to be exact), we know that Cobb succeeds in his endeavor. This is our inciting incident, or at least it leads us to when Saito offers Cobb the job in the coming scenes. Christopher Nolan put together a heist movie with sci-fi elements and intriguing characters, and by page 10, we had a crystal clear picture of what this whole movie was going to be about.)

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Completed Third Act

What I learned doing this assignment is…This is basically taking the last few lessons and outlining them so you have a map to follow for maximizing the emotional payoff of your script. That said, having a map when your script is already too long can still make it challenging to keep it under 100 pages. So, rather than try to shoehorn and grind out an ending I don’t love, I decided to go back and try to fix some of the other areas, so that I can freely write the ending I’m looking for, without the concern of going over my limit. In addition to that, I’m just posting the ending outline below. I’ll write those last ten pages, along with what’s left of my third act after some feedback.

SETUP:

A young space colony on the fringes of an interplanetary empire known as The Hegemony seeks to terraform a new world. Though the process is almost complete, a major threat has surfaced time and again in the form of hostile parasitic snail-like creatures that take control of a host body and use it to hunt and eat the other colonists. Among the colonists are a father and Aspie son, Sully and Isaiah, who are still overcoming the loss of the mother in this relationship, Beth, who was killed by these creatures. Sully keeps a picture of Beth as a memento and inspiration for how to help and protect his son.

Then, another outbreak occurs. Sully and Isaiah are late to take refuge in the safety of the bunker, and must find a way inside to be safe from not only the aliens but the exterminators that are on route to kill anything and anyone caught outside of the bunker. They receive the help of an old woman, Jude, in surviving an initial wave of aliens. Jude reveals herself to be a spy for The Hegemony, and was sent to help cover up The Hegemony’s knowledge and involvement of the outbreaks. Jude was caught outside the bunker because she was infected with alien spore eggs prior, and Sully has to euthanize her with a lethal injection before she turns.

While this is going on, we’re also introduced to Markus, a priest and refugee aboard a Hegemony passenger ship. Markus, along with the other passengers are conscripted to fight aliens. Markus wants to lay low and try to avoid conflict, citing his oath as a religious man, but is placed into a situation where he either has to kill a mutineer and live, or be killed with the mutineer. Markus in a moment of panic kills the mutineer, breaking his sacred oath.

Back on the colony, Sully discovers amidst the few documents that weren’t destroyed by Jude that there is a way inside the bunker. Isaiah wants to join him, hoping to possibly see a worm nest outside the colony. Scared that he might lose his son to his son’s own obsession, Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe, opting to venture out to the bunker alone to make sure it’s safe. What he finds in the bunker is that everyone has been turned into an alien host. He gets trapped inside, but Isaiah is able to save him after escaping from the closet.

2. PLOT POINT 2:

Sully is rushing to get away from the hosts pursuing him and Isaiah, but Isaiah pushes back, arguing they should go a different way. With adrenaline and hysteria still pumping through his veins, Sully pushes Isaiah forward, which results in Isaiah falling through a broken part of the walkway. This fall breaks Isaiah’s mask and leads to him getting infected, moments away from when the exterminators will arrive to kill them.

3. CRISIS:

Sully gives the picture of Beth to Isaiah as a peace offering and tries his best to control the situation, even grabbing Jude’s notes and trying to use them for leverage. But when he’s pinned down and out of options, he finally asks Isaiah to take the lead and get them to a medical area where Sully can try to save his son.

4. CLIMAX:

Isaiah uses every trick in his arsenal to get himself and Sully aboard the passenger vessel, but loses the picture along the way. Once they’re inside the ship’s medical bay, with exterminators and military officers trying to break in, Sully works fast to extract the spore eggs that are rapidly growing inside Isaiah’s chest, as well as laying out all of Jude’s documents and playing her recordings. He’s successful in this operation, saving his son just as the exterminators and offers break into the medical bay to execute them.

5. RESOLUTION:

The exterminators break their way end, finding the documents and a cured Isaiah with his pleading father. Markus is among the exterminators, and through seeing and hearing Jude’s notes on the Hegemony’s coverup, leads a campaign of mutiny against his military handlers. While the coup is not accepted by the majority of exterminators, Markus is still able to get Sully and Isaiah to an escape ship and send them off world, after he gets the two to promise to spread this coverup far and wide so everyone will know.

6. FINAL PAGE:

Sully puts the documents aside and tucks Isaiah into his cryo-sleep chamber. Isaiah apologizes for losing a picture of his mom that meant so much to Sully, but Sully tells his son that it was just a picture, and that his real mom can be found within them and how they work together.

7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE:

Sully and Isaiah lay side by side, together.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Completed Third Act (V.2)

1. SETUP:

A young space colony on the fringes of an interplanetary empire known as The Hegemony seeks to terraform a new world. Though the process is almost complete, a major threat has surfaced time and again in the form of hostile parasitic snail-like creatures that take control of a host body and use it to hunt and eat the other colonists. Among the colonists are a father and Aspie son, Sully and Isaiah, who are still overcoming the loss of the mother in this relationship, Beth, who was killed by these creatures. Sully keeps a picture of Beth as a memento and inspiration for how to help and protect his son. He needs it, because while he tries to control every aspect of Isaiah’s life in the pursuit of protecting him, Isaiah’s initial fear of the aliens has developed into an obsession with them, and drives him to seek out the dangerous parasites.

Then, another outbreak occurs. Sully and Isaiah are late to take refuge in the safety of the bunker. This becomes Sully’s main objective: to find a way inside. This is because they have more on their plate than just the aliens. Exterminators are on route to kill anything and anyone caught outside of the bunker. They receive the help of an old woman, Jude, in surviving an initial wave of aliens. Jude reveals herself to be a spy for The Hegemony, and was sent to help cover up The Hegemony’s knowledge and involvement of the outbreaks. What exactly is being covered up? Their terraforming process doesn’t work exactly as promised, and was responsible for wiping out a keystone species that kept the alien parasites’ population in check. This may be true on other worlds as well, where the alien ecosystems are thrown out of balance, and Hegemony just keeps sending citizens looking for a new life among the stars to a potentially dangerous situation. Jude was caught outside the bunker only because she was infected with alien spore eggs prior. She chooses to accept her fate, but spends her final moments connecting with Isaiah, who reminds her of the granddaughter she wanted to be with in the end. It’s a moment for Sully to reflect and see the relationship Isaiah’s been missing. But when Jude’s condition worsens, Sully has to euthanize her and the eggs hatching inside of her with a lethal injection.

While this is going on, we’re also introduced to Markus, a priest and refugee aboard a Hegemony passenger ship. Markus, along with the other passengers are conscripted to become the Exterminators previously referenced. Markus wants to lay low and try to avoid conflict, citing his oath as a religious man, but is placed into a situation where he either has to kill a mutineer and live, or be killed with the mutineer. Markus in a moment of panic kills the mutineer, breaking his sacred oath.

Back on the colony, Sully discovers amidst the few documents that weren’t destroyed by Jude that there is a way inside the bunker. Isaiah wants to join him, hoping to possibly see a worm nest outside the colony. Scared that he might lose Isaiah to the boy’s own obsession, Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe, opting to venture out to the bunker alone to verify Jude’s map. What he finds in the bunker is that everyone has been turned into an alien host. He gets trapped inside, but Isaiah is able to save him after escaping from the closet.

2. PLOT POINT 2:

Sully is rushing to get away from the hosts pursuing him and Isaiah, but Isaiah pushes back, arguing they should go a different way. With adrenaline and hysteria still pumping through his veins, Sully pushes Isaiah forward, which results in Isaiah falling through a broken part of the walkway. This fall breaks Isaiah’s mask and leads to him getting infected, moments away from when the exterminators will arrive to kill them.

3. CRISIS:

Sully gives the picture of Beth to Isaiah as a peace offering and tries his best to control the situation, even grabbing Jude’s notes and trying to use them for leverage. But when he’s pinned down and out of options, he finally asks Isaiah to take the lead and get them to a medical area where Sully can try to save his son.

4. CLIMAX:

Isaiah uses every trick in his arsenal to get himself and Sully aboard the passenger vessel, but loses the picture along the way. In the process, they’re able to help the exterminators overcome the alien hosts. Once Sully and Isaiah are inside the ship’s medical bay, with exterminators and military officers trying to break in, Sully works fast to extract the spore eggs that are rapidly growing inside Isaiah’s chest, as well as laying out all of Jude’s documents and playing her recordings. He comforts Isaiah in this invasive procedure, by telling a story about his mother and what she was willing to sacrifice for him; it’s the first time Sully’s opened up about her since her death. He’s successful in this operation, saving his son just as the exterminators and offers break into the medical bay to execute them.

5. RESOLUTION:

Markus is among the exterminators, and through seeing and hearing Jude’s notes on the Hegemony’s coverup, leads a campaign of mutiny against his military handlers. With a full revolt against the Hegemony officers and military in charge, Markus is able to get Sully and Isaiah to an escape ship and send them off world. In exchange, he gets the two to promise that they will spread this coverup far and wide so everyone will know. Sully knows that Markus expects him and Isaiah to incite an interplanetary revolution.

6. FINAL PAGE:

Sully puts the documents aside and tucks Isaiah into his cryo-sleep chamber. Isaiah apologizes for losing a picture of his mom that meant so much to Sully, but Sully tells his son that it was just a picture, and that his real mom can be found within them and how they work together.

7. FINAL LINE/IMAGE:

Sully and Isaiah lay side by side, together.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Amazing Final Line!

What I learned doing this assignment is…I had some understanding of this concept coming into this assignment, but the different strategies really brought it into focus. I have my problems with the twist ending of “Solving the Puzzle,” but at least it’s a tool in my back pocket. Better to be equipped with a strategy that could lead to a script getting sold than ignoring the tool all together for the sake of my own preferences. One other thing I’ll note is how this will help keep me from taking a great ending, and ruining it by concluding the script with an otherwise contrived or stale final line.

Directly answer the main question the entire movie is about.

Isaiah, who’s never been the hugging type, reaches up and embraces his dad. Sully, shocked at first, holds the most important person in his life in his arms.

ISAIAH

What’s going to us happen now?

SULLY

I don’t know…

LATER

With the paper documents and Jude’s recordings laying dormant on the floor…

SULLY (CONT.)

But whatever happens…

Sully and Isaiah rest in their respective tombs, side by side.

SULLY (CONT.)

We’ll do it together. I promise.

B. Finally we hear the one thing that the character wouldn’t say in the movie.

LATER

With the paper documents and Jude’s recordings laying dormant on the floor, Sully takes one last look at the planet he fled…

SULLY

Goodbye, Beth.

Before laying down, letting the cybernetic tomb close over him and drifting off into a long, restful slumber.

C. Solve the puzzle.

(NOTE: Structurally, this story’s not built to have a “Solve the Puzzle” style ending. There is a puzzle in this story, and if I wanted to have a downer style ending, I could bring the solution to the puzzle into the final page. The problem is that the power in these style of endings is a visual image that is immediately opposite of what the original assumption was (PLANET OF THE APES – Alien planet:Earth; BASIC INSTINCT – Innocent and Safe:Guilty and In Danger; THE SIXTH SENSE – Living:Dead; ATTACK ON TITAN – This is the last of humanity:Humanity’s been alive and well beyond the wall). The puzzle in my story is more conceptual than any of these indicators. I mean, how do you show the elimination of an alien keystone species in a dramatic way. It’s not like showing something that says “My GOD! They killed all the Elephants!” because something alien would by its very nature be unfamiliar to the audience. Beyond that, there’s no mystery with the father and son’s relationship, so the only other option left is some puzzle that involves the Hegemony in some way. I’m not particularly a fan of this ending, but it would be shocking and fit the parameters of this type of ending…)

Sully and Isaiah rest in their respective tombs as…

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – CRYO CHAMBER

The escape ship interior blows away like a cloud of dust, revealing Sully sleeping in one of a hundred coffins…

And two AGENTS reviewing notes on their tablets.

AGENT 1

Well, this one pretty much failed the simulation.

AGENT 2

Yeah. Breaks my heart when they commit to the kid.

AGENT 1

Unplug him.

Agent 2 reaches behind Sully’s glass tomb and flips a switch.

Sully twitches, before the heart rate monitor flatlines.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Final Page!

What I learned doing this assignment is…Getting that last page to pack a punch is so much more important than I gave it credit for, and I thought I was giving it considerable credit before. I looked at the endings for PLANET OF THE APES or THE LAST OF US and thought of those as exceptions more than norms. But in going through this assignment, I realized a lot more stories stick their landings with that final page: FERRIS BUELER’S DAY OFF, HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, ALIENS, SOUL, THE MATRIX, not to mention the plethora of examples included in the assignment itself. Going forward, I’ll be sure to keep this mind to make sure that last page hits the hardest in the entire script.

A. The Setup / Payoff final page.

The key here is emotional payoffs, not just logic ones. One emotional payoff that can fit into a final page is Isaiah willing to be held by his father. Throughout the film, Isaiah is resistant to being held. As a kid with Asperger’s this has always been the case, even when he was an infant. So Isaiah being held would mean something, so long as the age is young enough. However, as I continue to develop this story and what Isaiah is capable of doing, the older Sully’s son gets. He started off being very young, to 8-10 years old, to now pushing closer between 12-14 years old. A teen being held by their parent may not be as believable or emotionally poignant as a child. So, I need a couple of other payoffs in case the act of holding a child doesn’t resonate. Another option is referencing an earlier line Sully says to Isaiah “I don’t know how to fix you.” Isaiah could bring this up again in earnest, thanking his dad for fixing him, to which Sully could respond with something like “I couldn’t have saved you if I had” or some other reference to this line, similar to HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON’s ending. Another set up has to do with Isaiah’s mom and the home which they’re leaving. Even though the ending is more of a setup with the father and son duo departing on an escape ship after being requested to oust the Hegemony, the story can at least conclude and pay off the tension surrounding the loss of the mother. Saying goodby to the planet can also be alluded to saying goodby to the mother, or an emotional confirmation of her spirit being with them. I can tinker a bit with these options, but they do provide a more emotionally driven conclusion than what may otherwise feel like an emotionless cliffhanger.

B. The Contrast final page.

Uhhhhh. Okay. I haven’t really had any intention of the character of Markus joining Sully and Isaiah, but what if he did? This may require some additional setup to sell this ending, but it could start out positive with Markus seemingly liberating Sully and Isaiah from the Hegemony, only to turn around and hold them to his cause for vengeance against the entity that stole his soul. Sully and Isaiah go from being off the hook and on their way to safety, to being conscripted, just like Markus was, in igniting an interplanetary revolution. The theme of control versus cooperation still remains intact, while selling the premise in new way.

C. The Climax/Resolution final page.

I think this is pretty much the standard ending I had in mind. I thought of ending this story like a car flying off a cliff and still flooring the accelerator in mid air. For the most part, a lot of the loose ends are tied up: Isaiah’s cured, the relationship is fixed, the conscripted exterminators become protectors, and the last page is Sully and Isaiah flying out into space, a reverse of the opening image of starting out in space and closing in on the planetary colony. As for keeping a lead foot the accelerator, even when there’s no road, that would be the only setup that isn’t paid off in Markus’ request that Sully and Isaiah spread the knowledge Jude consolidated to the rest of the Hegemony wolds.

D. The “Something good is going to come out of this mess” final page.

*Head in hands again, brainstorming how in the hell to make this ending work for a story that’s about as grim dark as you’ll get without calling it Warhammer 40K* I’ve already brought up the fact that the central antagonism is founded in Sully and Isaiah’s troubled relationship, stemming from the death of Sully’s wife (huh, I still don’t have a name for her…). Similar to the SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE example, the “Something good is going to come out of this mess” ending should be tied to a character’s internal conflict. I would go with a romantic ending, just like SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE and other Ironic Ending Rom-Coms, but that wouldn’t fit the tone of this story. I’d also like to establish something visual, affirmative. It can’t just be the promise of Sully and Isaiah having a healthy and mutually understanding relationship established in earlier pages. Going with metaphor, I could set up a picture of Sully’s wife that he keeps with him and refers to at multiple points. He can ask the image of his wife for advice, wish for her to come back, lament that he’s lost without her, which would be an excellent contrast to the confident, sure and controlling version of Sully we see whenever he’s in front of others. This can set up an emotional moment where Sully gives Isaiah the picture of his mom to hold onto. Isaiah could later lose the picture, and when he apologizes for losing it on the last page, Sully can comfort him and reassure that he didn’t lose her, but that she’ll always be a part of him. It’s another angle of Sully asking his son for help, and further establishes a father/son partnership, rather than a pure superior/subordinate relationship.

E. The “One last gesture” final page.

Okay, the last ending was basically this one in some respects. The other direction I can go in is Sully giving Isaiah the picture of his mom on the last page. It’s the same setups but a slightly different payoff, and a recognition that Sully isn’t looking over his shoulder anymore, waiting for his wife to join him. He’s confident, self assured, and is giving his son the person he misses the most. It’s also a symbolic passing of the torch. Sully has been someone hiding the death of Isaiah’s mother from himself as much as Isaiah. By handing the picture over, it’s a sign that Sully has finally been able to move on, and has filled the shoes Isaiah needs the most, both literally and figuratively giving his son an aspect of the understanding mother he’s been missing.

F. The Shock final page

Everybody dies. Nah, too easy. Sully and Isaiah are immediately captured and separated by the Hegemony? Meh. Sully fails to save Isaiah and he’s forced to kill his own son, and then he kills himself, unable to take the horror of it all? There’s a reason I haven’t watched THE MIST more than once. Not interested in watching that ending again, let alone writing it. I think what makes THELMA AND LOUISE work is that it’s still consistent with what the story’s trying to say: unfortunate people in an unfortunate situation forced to take unfortunate actions and a black and white justice system that refuses to observe the context, only focussed on the illegal action and punishing those responsible for committing it. I mean, for everything I’ve already said before, a shock ending may be as simple as Sully not joining Isaiah. He’s put into a position of where he can’t save himself and Isaiah. He’s been tested this entire movie, finding a way out every step of the way, taking more and more extreme measures to keep his son safe. This would be the final act where he can’t save both, and so sends his son away on an escape ship with Jude’s documents, and Sully hangs back to cover his son’s escape and dies.

Scene Chosen:

“The Shock” ending reminds me of THE LAST OF US. I like it, but it might hit too hard. Again, I want to hold the relationship front and center, and have this gritty, violent, fast-paced horror-action story be about mending that relationship. I think that that’ll make for a more compelling story and a more marketable one. I’m aiming for the box office, not an Oscar. With that in mind, I’ll go with the “Something good will come out of this” ending. It’s more optimistic, fulfills the question brought up in the plot, and more of the audience may appreciate it. Just like THE MATRIX and ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL, it leads to a satisfying conclusion, even with a greater force of evil still existing out there. The plot of both of those films revolved around self discovery, which both characters pretty much achieved. Neither story was really about bringing down the dark empire. I can do the same thing for this story, just instead of self discovery or enlightenment, it’s about the rediscovery of a lost relationship.

—————————

INT. ESCAPE SHIP – COCKPIT – MORNING

Strapped into their seats, Sully and Isaiah watch the orange blaze of dawn evaporate into the black, starry heavens.

The G’s settle, and as the artificial gravity kicks in, Sully unbuckles…

CRYOSLEEP CHAMBER

And rests Isaiah down into a mechanized coffin.

He brushes his son’s matted hair.

Isaiah raises his hand, taking Sully’s.

ISAIAH

I lost it.

SULLY

Lost what?

ISAIAH

I lost the picture you gave me. I lost Mom.

Sully takes a deep breath, seeing the well of remorse building up in his son.

SULLY

It was just a picture.

ISAIAH

But—

SULLY

I know. It hurts. Just remember, you only lost a picture. You’re never going to lose mom. ‘Cause…

(brushing Isaiah’s head)

She’s here…

(pointing to Isaiah’s heart)

And here…

(holding Isaiah’s hand)

And she’s with me too.

Isaiah gets up and hugs his dad. Sully, shocked at first as Isaiah’s not the hugging type, holds the most important person in his life in his arms.

LATER

With the paper documents and Jude’s recordings laying dormant on the floor, Sully and Isaiah rest in their respective tombs…for now…

EXT. SPACE

As the escape ship sails through the celestial cosmos.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Rules!

What I learned doing this assignment is…This is a useful checklist, especially when I can’t get away with outlining my story on pure cinema or avoiding dialogue like it’s the plague. I knew I had some strengths in writing action, but the first script I wrote did suffer from breaking a couple of these rules, particularly rule 5. I based a lot of my decisions for the script in this course off of how Genndy Tartakovsky made the first season of PRIMAL, so that I could more easily promote my strengths and avoid where I’ve struggled. In the end, I think it actually helped me in adhering to a lot of these rules, because so much of what I wanted to do was dependent on what can be followed on film without explanation. Tony from the YouTube channel “Every Frame a Painting” does a great job talking about this as well with his essay on Akira Kurosawa.

Rule 5 – I haven’t really written a lot of my final act, outside of three scenes. One is a standard 3rd act horror scene, an assignment from the Horror course. The other two are about the bronchoscopy, in which Sully gives a monologue about a cat, which is a metaphorical story about his mother and what she was willing to sacrifice for Isaiah. No on-the-nose dialogue there. The other scene may have one (“You did this”). Beyond that, the action informs most of the story’s meaning. This was intentional from the beginning, however, because I came into this program with paltry talents in dialogue. My philosophy coming into this was the less dialogue, the better. Thill, this is a wonderful rule to keep in mind when outlining a story.

Rule 6 – The setting for this film was pretty limited by the inevitability of the action of this film, which is Isaiah being infected and needing to be treated. The best place for that is going to be a medical center based solely on the specific medical equipment needed. This setting works well due to its mirroring of a similar scene in the first act, that takes place in the colony’s medical center. In the first act, Sully dismisses Isaiah, and Isaiah refuses to listen to anything his dad says. It’s not an unfamiliar or uncommon relationship between a child and parent, but it does stand in contrast to the ending where Sully is present with Isaiah and Isaiah listens to his dad and faces his greatest anxieties in the process. What will need to be efforted between these two scenes are the actions between the two characters and the reason behind their shared conflict. The setup in the first act will help make the payoff in the third act more powerful.

Rule 7 – What’s been set up are that Isaiah is infected, the bunker full of alien hosts have been released, and the passenger ship of conscripted exterminators has arrived to kill everything caught outside the bunker. That’s three things right there. Beyond the setup and blocking action, a handful of other twists that occur from a structural standpoint can come from Isaiah being carried by his dad, to Sully asking Isaiah to carry him (metaphorically), to Sully treating Isaiah, to the exterminators breaking in and corning Sully and Isaiah, to the exterminators turning on the Hegemony.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Powerful Setups

What I learned doing this assignment is…Woof. There’s a lot that went into this, and I’m sure there’s even more to add. But, the end result is by writing all of my setups down this way and organizing them is that I can clearly see how they all work, tinker where necessary, and use this list a reference when going through rewrites so as to properly set up a powerful ending.

A. Build their Reputation

Sully refuses assistance, telling the staff that if they don’t do exactly what he says, the patient will die. He proves to be correct.
Sully tells Isaiah that if he doesn’t do exactly what he says, that he’ll die.
Sully listens to and applies some of Isaiah’s knowledge of the aliens, admitting he doesn’t know as much on how to survive.
Sully locks Isaiah in a closet, believing that that will keep Isaiah safe, since Isaiah won’t listen.
Sully pushes Isaiah forward, despite Isaiah’s pleas, resulting in Isaiah getting infected.
Sully apologizes and asks Isaiah to help him save him. Sully carries Isaiah around, still taking charge, until…
Sully gets pinned down and is out of ideas. He asks Isaiah to take the metaphorical wheel and get them to a medical bay where Sully can help his son.

Sully is inventive, particularly when it comes to repurposing tools, as is first shown in the initial medical bay scene when he has assistants break and repurpose medical equipment that results in saving the life of a worker.
Sully crafts a pair of earmuffs using his deceased wife’s headband and other items.
After seeing that the aliens can’t be hurt once they’re inside a host, Sully crafts a weapon that can puncture the host and hit the worm possessing it.
Sully crafts an exo-suit for both himself and his son to be able to go outside.
Sully crafts a noisemaker that draws the worms and has them swarm.

Isaiah is shown to be quirky.
Isaiah built a Rube Goldberg machine, though incomplete (he’s very smart and takes an interest in machines)
Isaiah’s hiding SOMETHING under his bed. The boy has interests in other areas as well, and they’re kept secret.
Isaiah informs his dad about a compromise in the bunker, but when Sully brushes him off, Isaiah tries to prove it by using a simple machine (pulley system) that breaks.
Isaiah is hypersensitive to noise and touch, reacting irrationally when he’s being escorted and when the alarm is going off.
Isaiah plays brown noise to try to calm his nerves.
Isaiah wears earmuffs made from his mother’s headband.
Isaiah argues that he’s interested in the aliens because he’s not scared of them. He blames people for his mother’s death, including Sully, more-so than the aliens since they’re just acting out of instinct.
Isaiah uses his knowledge of simple machines to break out of the locked closet.
He then uses his knowledge of the aliens to crawl past a swarming nest, unscathed.
He uses his knowledge of simple machines to save his dad, and both knowledge bases to get Sully and he pasts the hordes of exterminators and alien hosts.

B. Justification for the final actions

Despite Isaiah’s observable intelligence and knowledge of the aliens, he proves to be someone that can’t be trusted to listen to one request. He’s rebellious to a fault, and it first shows up in a small way when he tries to lie his way out of going to classes.
He then sneaks out of class and makes a discovery that he has to tell Sully about.
Sully excuses him to go back to class, but Isaiah resists, opting instead to get his point across by trying to breach the walls of the colony, breaking a important medical device in the process.
Isaiah refuses to come out when the alarm goes off, and fights with Sully over being carried.
Isaiah tries to stop Sully and Jude from killing the alien worms, hoping to teach a catch and release strategy.
Sully has a nightmare about Isaiah getting infected because he couldn’t leave the worms alone.
This all leads to Sully locking Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe.

Markus stowed away on a passenger vessel to space in order to avoid being drafted for a war. Markus is a preacher that swore a pacifist oath to avoid conflict.
The Hegemony conscripted all of its passengers, including Markus, to wipe out the worms.
Despite Markus referencing his oath, the Hegemony doubles down, conscripting him to kill worms and conspires to use him to execute mutineers.
Markus is forced to kill the man he saved earlier.
Markus watches countless people die from the worms.
Markus listens to and observes Jude’s testimony, realizing all of the bloodshed he witnessed and engaged in was avoidable.

C. Cast doubt on the success of the final actions

The worms can be go anywhere throughout the facility, using the vents, the walls, etc.
The worms are resistant to blunt damage and are very malleable, able to squeeze into just about any space
The worms can take control of any other living organism: the host of which is impervious to pain, and will use broken bones as weapons.
The worms aren’t limited to infecting hosts in their adult stage, but can infect you in their fungal stage as well, where their eggs are spread through the air like spores
Anyone can be infected and become a monster at any time.
Sully and Isaiah are outnumbered a hundred to one.

The exterminators, though conscripted, are an army greater in size than the colony hosts.
The exterminators are equipped with guns, where Sully and Isaiah aren’t.
The exterminators are lead by the Hegemony, which has already been set up as more ruthless and unwilling to compromise than Sully.

D. Discuss the final actions openly

Isaiah suggests that they can keep Jude alive a little longer, with her infection, by keeping the lungs hydrated.
Sully talks about the procedure he hates rendering the most is a bronchoscopy because of what it reminds him of. He also mentions he doesn’t know if it’d every work as a “cure” for infection because so much of the severity is dependent on how many spore eggs you breathe in. A dozen may be doable, but a hundred would kill the patient and everyone else in the room.
Jude says they won’t get out of the situation they’re in. Sully backs this up telling Isaiah their only chance to stay alive is to get inside the bunker, because when the exterminators arrive, they will kill everyone not inside the bunker.

E. Twists that take it away

Sully and Isaiah are caught outside the bunker.
They both receive the help from a skilled spy, Jude, but…
Jude is outside the bunker only because she was infected, and Sully and Isaiah have to kill her before she turns.
The Bunker is not safe, and is in fact the most dangerous part of the colony.
Isaiah gets infected.

F. Alternate Hope/fear

Sully can’t get Isaiah out from under the bed (Fear)
Sully crafts something that comforts Isaiah (Hope)
Sully and Isaiah are caught outside the bunker (Fear)
Sully and Isaiah are rescued and assisted by Jude (Hope)
Jude is infected (Fear)
Jude had a map to get inside the bunker (Hope)
The Bunker is hell (Fear)
Sully and Isaiah escape (Hope)
The Exterminators arrive (Fear)

G. Create and pay off emotional setups

Negative: Sully has had a control problem since the death of his wife. He refuses any and all help, opting instead to take everything on himself. This reveals itself in treating an impalement wound for an injured worker, where he refuses assistance from fellow doctors. However, the negative isn’t truly displayed here, as his strategy works. He comes out a hero, just like Dr. House in that TV show.

Impact: Sully’s control issues present themselves in his son, who resists being controlled. Isaiah repeatedly displays a knowledge and skill that would complement Sully’s strengths, if only Sully would consider Isaiah. Even though Sully does steadily improve in this area, considering Isaiah’s advice and expertise on the aliens, he makes two critical errors in locking his son in a closet to keep him safe, and again when in the heat of the moment he pushes Isaiah forward and accidentally gets him infected.

Overcomes It: Sully, trapped and holding his son who’s going to die, asks Isaiah to take over and get them to where Sully can save him. Sully completely surrenders for a moment, recognizing he can’t control everything.

Recognized: Isaiah recognizes his dad’s sacrifice and does exactly as he’s told when he’s asked for the first time in the story. Isaiah trusts his dad as much as his dad trusts him.

H. Suspense around the outcome

Sully’s wife died from the aliens prior to the events of the film.
We see a teenager become an alien host, and his pediatrician kill himself before the teenager completes his transformation.
Sully and Isaiah are assured that there’s no way to save Jude, and that the only option is to kill the host and the worms inside.
Sully dreams about Isaiah getting infected and turning to kill Sully.
Isaiah actually gets infected.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Kick Ass Endings!

What I learned doing this assignment is…I need to go back and change one of the introductory scenes involving Sully. Looking through and applying each ending gave me a better understanding and appreciation for my story’s themes and what drives Sully’s character, because I had to find different ways for them to apply in different contexts. While the Protagonist Strategy helped me to flesh out a little more of what I’m going for, the endings that I had no interest in applying for this story were monumental in giving me a better understanding his character. This is also a great exercise for one day having to meet producer’s needs. If the producer wants a different type of ending, I know I can satisfy that request while keeping what makes my story special.

1. The Ultimate Confrontation
This is a little tricky for this story, considering the crux of it leans into the father/son relationship between Sully and Isaiah and their capacity to work together. I would need a character set up earlier in the story that could serve as a foil to this relationship. The worms are the obvious antagonist to lean into here, though a “Queen” alien should be avoided so as to avoid further ALIENS comparisons. Another component of this story is Kitchen Sink Sci-Fi with an emphasis, similar to STAR WARS in some respects or THE MARTIAN, of problem solving using supplies on hand. There’s no “magic button” that saves the day. However, since the worms’ severe weakness to strong alkalines has already been set up, a final confrontation could come in the form of wiping out the colony by using the sprinkler system to spread bleach or lye throughout the complex. The issue there, of course, is that you would have to have enough of the the concentrated chemicals to spread throughout the colony without diluting it via water. That doesn’t seem very believable. So what else? “Nuking the site from orbit?” No, that’s still ALIENS. I could go with an alien host. While that leans into ALIEN 3’s gimmick, it does provide more options for scares in addition to the alien worms and the human hosts that are already present. It could also set up more visibly how the parasitic worms could breach the colony walls, if a large alien life form was inhabited by a worm and tore into the complex. The themes and what most interest me about this story stays intact, while offering a new take on the minotaur trope of a character being trapped in a labyrinth with a large creature. It also sets up a choice for Isaiah. Much like Sully has to sacrifice his need to be in total control, Isaiah would have to sacrifice his desire to protect the aliens in favor of killing the most dangerous one to save his dad. My only concern with this ending is the budget of designing and animating a large monster, versus worms and zombies that shouldn’t need near as much work. But with the right budget, this ending could still work on a number of levels.

2. Return Home, Only it is Different

I’m going with the metaphorical home for this one. Using the “Up Ending” from the previous assignment, this ending involves Sully saving Isaiah after asking him to take charge, followed by the Hegemony sparing the two in exchange for Isaiah’s notes. New protocols are set to mitigate the disaster of another outbreak of alien worms, while Sully and Isaiah return to life as it was before on a new colony, except this time they’re shown to have a healthier respect for each other and their relationship. There could also be a couple lines that allude to Sully dating again, a sign that he’s chosen to finally move on from the death of his wife prior to the events of the film.

3. End with a Future

This is pretty much the way the original “Ironic Ending” works. Sully asks Isaiah to take charge and get them to the Medical Bay aboard the passenger vessel so that Sully can extract the eggs from Isaiah’s lungs. Afterward, Sully uncovers Jude’s recordings and notes to the conscripted exterminators: a last ditch attempt to save his son. It works and incites a revolt, with an earlier character, Markus, leading the charge and getting both Sully and Isaiah to an escape ship, demanding they expose the Hegemony to the rest of humanity in space. This leaves the end with a future, where the two survived their ordeal with the alien worms, only be set on a new path against an even greater threat. Also, in keeping with a horror genre trope, as the different escape ships are boarded and launched, one of the infected boards an escape ship, setting up the monster for a sequel.

4. Major Layer Uncovered

I had an earlier version of this concept that relied on this ending, with one of the characters being set up initially as a smuggler, but being revealed as a Hegemony Loyalist and assassin. But, just like I established earlier, what most interests me is the father/son relationship, and in order for this kind of ending to have a major impact anyway, some new layer has to be uncovered from THAT relationship. One option is that Isaiah was infected from the beginning, prior to the events of the story, and it’s this moment of infection that set him on a path to understanding everything about the worms that he could, all in an effort to save his life. This changes every line he has from being quirky and obsessive to being desperate. The ending could carry out similarly, but it’s borderline unbelievable and nixes the whole ticking clock component if I don’t set up this ending right by changing some of the rules regarding the worms.

5. Good Guy Wins after Much Pain and Risk

This is also pretty much my “Ironic Ending” or “Up Ending.” A FEW GOOD MEN is the standard to me, and I grew up watching MY COUSIN VINNY as a family movie. Before the events of my story, Sully had a moment where he couldn’t save both his son and his wife, and had to choose to save one or the other. He chose to save his son, and the guilt of that action weighs on him throughout this story and has created a wedge between him and his son. Now the same thing responsible for his wife’s death is threatening his son again. He doesn’t make it to the bunker, has to kill someone who helped him and his son survive before she turns, accidentally gets his son infected anyway, all the while releasing a hundred alien hosts upon the entire colony, just as conscripted exterminators arrive to kill everything and everyone not inside the bunker. Can’t get much worse than to survive what he couldn’t survive on his own before, with the addition of an army out to kill him as well, and his son threatening to mother and give birth to hostile alien worms. The only way he’s getting out of this is to put faith in something other than himself.

6. Great Protagonist Strategy

This might be the final component in my original ending I’m missing. What exactly does Isaiah come up with that gets himself and his dad to the Medical Bay where his dad can save him. Sure, one element of the strategy may involve gathering Jude’s evidence as a hail mary. However, a shot in the dark is still a shot in the dark, and that’s not what a great strategy is about. A Great Strategy is about the protagonist outsmarting his/her opponent. Looking at Isaiah, he’s already set up as a very smart kid: He has knowledge of the worms on par with the spy whose job it was to cover up said knowledge, and he has an intuitive interest and understanding of basic mechanics. Giving him a third “superpower” risks not feeling earned. I know I originally set up this ending to give him a passion and interest in escape routes and exporting them, and this was supposed to be in some way connected with the way the worms navigate the compound. But, again, it’s difficult to EARN this this late in the film. Therefore, the “Great Strategy” (separate from Sully’s in performing a bronchoscopy to rid Isaiah of the eggs in his lungs) has to rely on Isaiah’s two loves – simple machines and alien fauna. For now, I’m going go with simple machines to get inside the walls of the compound, so that Isaiah and Sully can make their way to the ship under cover, while using a massage gun to create powerful vibrations in the walls, thus drawing the worms to them, which help to cover for their escape. It’s something simple, uses tools that could be on hand (no science fantasy here), and is supported by what’s already set up in earlier scenes.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Three Endings

What I learned doing this assignment is…First, the importance in structuring the twists. Up to this point, I had a vague idea in what exactly would happen, but it was pretty much unstructured. This was extremely helpful in recognizing exactly where I needed to clear up some details and structure a worthy finale. Second, this was pretty reaffirming where my comfort zone is. My Up Ending and my Ironic Ending were very similar because those are the kinds of stories I want to tell and lean toward (Ecclesiastes is my favorite book of the Bible). I’m much more interested in watching how people confront and either overcome or find contentment with the harsh realities of life. While I admire CHINATOWN for what it achieved, I‘ll probably never revisit it. I’ll more than happily watch a college football game instead, and observe a team overcome adversity (or hopefully galvanize as a team in a difficult loss). I’ll continue playing with this in coordination with the lessons learned from the Free Friday Class on THE MATRIX and the profound screenplay model. Both of these structures should help me to better set up the moment when Sully surrenders control, his greatest sacrifice.

UP ENDING

– Beginning of 3rd Act.

Isaiah’s infected and is going to die.

– Twists.

The hosts escape the breached bunker and are free to hunt all over the colony

The conscripted exterminators arrive to kill everything no inside the bunker.

Execution of Plan A: Sully sneaks his way with Isaiah to the Medical Bay in the colony.

False Victory: Sully and Isaiah make it to the colony Medical Bay. Sully grabs supplies that’ll help keep Isaiah alive, and prepares to perform the procedure

Falling into the Trap: Just as Isaiah said, they’re not alone in the Medical Bay, and have to escape. Isaiah starts to cough, blowing their cover (they can no longer effectively hide)

Opponent’s Victory at Hand: The opening where Sully is fighting his way through. The conscripted exterminators come and pin Sully and Isaiah down

– Crisis.

Sully is pinned down after running and escaping room to room from exterminator and host alike. He finally asks Isaiah for help and to take charge.

– Climax.

Isaiah takes charge, guiding Sully through to the passenger vessel, teaching him how to keep him alive, until Sully’s in the Medical Bay where he can cure his son.

– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

Instead of grabbing Jude’s documents on the Hegemony’s coverup, Isaiah and Sully grab Isaiah’s notebook and solution to coexisting with the alien worms. The Hegemony spares Sully and Isaiah after Markus forms a wall with other conscripted passengers, and uses Isaiah’s plans to build upgrades to the space colony that prevents future infestations of the colony. There is also the hint that life adapts to the worms, much in the same way that the Australian wildlife is slowly adapting to the invasive cane toads.

DOWN ENDING

NOTE: The easiest way to apply this would be to keep everything the same as both the Up Ending and the Ironic Ending, but have both Sully and Isaiah die, never making it to the medical bay because Sully can’t trust his son, thus keeping the theme of Control vs. Cooperation intact. This also still follows Robert McKee’s model because it’s a turn from the negative to an even greater negative. However, since I already kind of cheated by making the Up Ending essentially a copy and paste of the original Ironic Ending if not for a couple details, I’ll go ahead and try to come up a different setup for the 3rd Act and and a downer ending.

– Beginning of 3rd Act.

There’s one major change for this plot point, and it’s that Sully never pushes Isaiah and gets him infected. Isaiah saves Sully, Sully thanks him and trusts him. They also manage to seal up the bunker and contain the threat of the near hundred hosts within.

– Twists.

The exterminators arrive in force.

Isaiah collects his notes and both he and Sully try to show they’re not a threat to the exterminators, which works…

Until an officer freaks out and accidentally shoots Isaiah.

Sully escapes with a dying Isaiah in his arms.

– Crisis.

On a loud speaker, Sully is beckoned to return to the passenger ship where his son was just shot. But when Isaiah bleeds out and dies before the voice on the loud speaker can finish, Sully has to choose between attempting to cooperate and trust the people there, and bring Isaiah’s notes to them, or seek revenge, demanding they acknowledge their actions that led to Isaiah’s death, or be wiped out by the bunker full of infected.

– Climax.

Sully fights his way back to the bunker, and unleashes the infected onto the Hegemony officers and their conscripted exterminators, killing everyone. “Open wide,” as he opens the bunker door from inside the bunker.

– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

The Protagonist gets neither. His son dies in his arms before he can get a real chance to connect with him. He failed to keep him safe.

NOTE: Now I want to watch a classic Disney movie after this ending.

IRONIC ENDING

– Beginning of 3rd Act.

Isaiah’s infected and is going to die.

– Twists.

The hosts escape the breached bunker and are free to hunt all over the colony

The conscripted exterminators arrive to kill everything no inside the bunker.

Execution of Plan A: Sully sneaks his way with Isaiah to the Medical Bay in the colony.

False Victory: Sully and Isaiah make it to the Medical Bay. Sully grabs supplies that’ll help keep Isaiah alive, and prepares to perform the procedure

Falling into the Trap: Just as Isaiah said, they’re not alone in the Medical Bay, and have to escape. Isaiah starts to cough, blowing their cover (they can no longer effectively hide)

Opponent’s Victory at Hand: The opening where Sully is fighting his way through. The conscripted exterminators come and pin Sully and Isaiah down

– Crisis.

Last Ditch Effort: Sully is pinned down after running and escaping room to room from exterminator and host alike. He finally asks Isaiah for help and to take charge.

– Climax.

Greatest Sacrifice: Isaiah takes charge, guiding Sully through to the passenger vessel, teaching him how to keep him alive, until Sully’s in the Medical Bay where he can cure his son.

– Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

The Protagonist got their need (connecting with his son) but didn’t get his goal (keeping his son safe). Instead, they have illegally escaped and will have confidential knowledge that could spark a revolution.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s 3rd Act Structure

What I learned doing this assignment is…how important it is to make that thematic “Crisis” decision dramatic. I’ve interpreted the “Crisis” of the story to be “where the true gravity of the situation comes into play or a critical rule must be broken.” While I think this element plays a role, reading the twists in THE FAMILY MAN helped me to see how you can stretch the thematic dilemma out, taking the audience through the emotional rollercoaster of “will he? won’t he?” When I look at my analysis of TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY, there isn’t that clear decision, “will he? won’t he?” prevalent throughout the final act. However, there still is that “Crisis” decision in the resolution where the audience is asked “will you? won’t you?” It’s a bit of a different technique, but it’s pulled off because the foundation of it is still built on the father/son relationship between the T-800 and John, and the T-800’s arc to becoming more human/empathetic and valuing human life, which raises the question as to whether we can do the same. Not trying to say one ending is better than the other, but rather that the “Crisis” decision is still a required element in the final act, and can be explored in a myriad of ways. However, I do think TERMINATOR 2’s strategy is a high risk/high reward formula, while THE FAMILY MAN’s strategy has a much more consistent success rate and is easier to pull off.

A. Five Questions…

1. What is it that fascinates you about this story?

The father and son relationship, and how it develops through their survival of a nightmare scenario.

2. What is the main conflict of the story?

The son loves the aliens that are attacking them, seeing the similarities they share, while the dad despises the aliens for their role in killing his wife.

3. What is the main goal/need of your protagonist?

The main goal is to save Isaiah from the alien threat and get him to safety. His main need is to move past the guilt and trauma of losing his wife and connecting with his awkward son.

4. What is the character arc of your main characters?

Sully’s arc consists of the trait “Controlling” shifting to a new trait, “Cooperating.” The only other character that has a real arc is the character Markus, who changes from a “Pacifist” to a “Revolutionist.”

5. How do you want this movie to end?

Sully has to rely on his son in order to save him.
Afterward, Markus helps them to board an escape pod and sends them on a mission to expose the authoritarian Hegemony’s coverup of the cause of the alien outbreaks.

B. Five Plot Points…

1. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards its final destination.

Isaiah gets infected by alien worm spores and is going to be a brood mother. In addition, the bunker was breached in an earlier scene, so all of the passengers that were infected are loose, just as a passenger ship drops down with the conscripted exterminators to wipe out everyone.

2. CRISIS — The decision point.

Sully has to choose whether to keep trying to control the situation, or to involve his son in the decision making process. This happens when Sully gets pinned down, out of options, and finally asks Isaiah what to do. It’s what follows the teaser at the beginning of the story.

3. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.

Isaiah leads Sully through the bunker, helping him get to the medical bay on board the passenger vessel. There, Sully is able to extract the eggs growing inside Isaiah’s lungs via a bronchoscopy.

4. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up loose ends.

The conscripted exterminators, including Markus, arrive to kill off Sully and Isaiah, but because Isaiah insisted on grabbing Jude’s confidential information, the documents and recordings are able to turn the conscripted against the military leading them. Markus leads Sully and a recovering Isaiah to an escape pod, and sends them away to expose the Hegemony to the masses.

5. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.

Sully and Isaiah watch the planet fade into the distance, as other escape pods are launched as well, with one of them containing an infected passenger.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Great Ending

What I learned doing this assignment is…just how much goes into setting up a satisfying final act. It’s almost like an entire film is setup for the big finale and delivery of the story’s themes, and if the final act feels more like a deviation from the setup of the rest of the film (looking at you WONDER WOMAN), it’s going to lead to an unsatisfying mess. I just watched ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD, and it’s very similar in this strategy, basically incorporating the same runtime as TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY to setup a Tarantino wet dream of a third act. With this in mind, I completely agree with Hal’s take that the ending should be figured out first, because everything else you write is going to set it up for success.

MOVIE: TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY

BASIC STORY UP TO THE 3RD ACT: Picking up from the events of the first film, John Conner is a foster child, hunted by a new terminator model, the T-1000. Meanwhile, in a twist of irony, the terminator model from the first film (T-800) is the one sent back in time to protect John from the T-1000. At John’s request, the T-800 helps save John’s mother, Sarah Conner, who’s a far cry from the woman we watched in the first film, having taken on the call to be a warrior and raise John to be the same. Sarah makes a plan to stop the machine apocalypse by killing the man responsible for developing SkyNet, Miles Dyson. However, John and the T-800, who’s been learning and modeling human emotion, stop her from killing Dyson, who turns out to be an innocent family man. Dyson agrees to destroy his research and prevent the forward momentum toward “Judgement Day.” And then…

3RD ACT POINTS:

3RD ACT TURNING POINT – The Conner’s, the T-800 and Miles Dyson go to Cyberdyne to eliminate the terminator threat before it can exist, in a role reversal of the setups of this and the previous film where the machines send a terminator back in time to kill Sarah, then John before they can become what they will be in the future.

TWIST – Written authorization is needed for the Conner’s and the T-800 to enter. They “insist” by threatening to shoot the security guard, which leads to the silent alarm and the authorities being contacted. “Everyone in the area” is coming to stop them.

PAYOFF – John can hack the locked down system, just like he hacked the ATM earlier in the film. “Easy money.”

TWIST – The group was ahead of the T-1000 for a time, and they may have been able to avoid him, but because it’s connected to the police scanner, it knows exactly where John and Sarah Conner are, and it’s coming for them.

CRISIS – All of the police and the T-1000 against the four of them.

PAYOFF – T-800 sticks to his promise of not killing people, by unloading a mini gun and a grenade launcher on the cars, but not hitting a single cop.

TWIST – The SWAT team shoots Miles Dyson, who’s holding the detonator, and pins down Sarah Conner. There’s nowhere to go.

TWIST – The T-800 gets Sarah Conner out. Miles Dyson is left behind, holding the detonator while telling the SWAT unit he “doesn’t know how much longer he can hold this.” The SWAT unit evacuates, as Dyson finally triggers the detonator, killing himself and destroying all of the knowledge that would lead to SkyNet and Judgement Day.

PAYOFF – The T-800 again sticks to his earlier promise when faced with the challenge of getting John and Sarah past the SWAT unit blocking their exit. He shoots their kneecaps while remaining invulnerable to their bullets. He then disperses the remaining cops by using tear gas grenades.

PAYOFF – The T-800 shows he’s learned from a previous lesson, pulling down the visor flap in a truck and catching the keys that were hidden there.

PAYOFF – To conclude the crisis, the T-800 crashes the SWAT car through the front door, and opens the back, allowing John and Sarah to get inside and the three are able to escape from “Everyone in the area”…except…

CLIMAX – The T-1000 arrives at the scene and hijacks a helicopter. Once again, the T-1000 is after John and Sarah, but with superior positioning: They have a van, It has a helicopter. They won’t get away this time.

TWIST – In the ensuing firefight, Sarah takes a bullet to the leg. The T-800, realizing their positioning and the danger Sarah’s in, hits the brakes, causing the helicopter to crash into the van and onto the freeway. Meanwhile, the T-800 is unable to maintain control of the vehicicle, and the van also crashes.

SETUP – The T-1000 is unscathed from the crash, hijacking a big rig that’s carrying a tank of liquid nitrogen. Meanwhile, the trio, with a limping Sarah Conner, is stuck with a pickup truck that can’t go above 55 miles per hour (continuing the motif of the T-1000 always having bigger and better things).

TWIST/SETUP – The T-800 goes in pursuit of the T-1000. He loses his last grenade in the bed of the pickup truck, but grabs an assault rifle, climbs onto the big rig, and blasts away at the T-1000, causing the big rig to crash. Meanwhile, John crashes the pickup truck into a steel foundry, with the big rig sliding right behind them, which leads to a breach in the tank causing liquid nitrogen to spill everywhere.

PAYOFF – The T-1000 is frozen solid by the liquid nitrogen, unable to pursue the trio.

PAYOFF – “Hasta la vista, baby.” this is a line the T-800 not only learned from John, but also exemplifies his capacity to creatively apply John’s lessons in a very human way. The T-800 uses it when he shoots the frozen T-1000, causing It to shatter like glass…

TWIST – But, because they’re in a foundry, the heat is able to thaw and melt the frozen 1-000 back into its deadly form.

SETUP – The T-800 grabs that last grenade that he lost out of the truck bed.

TWIST – The T-1000 gets the jump on the T-800 and is able to separate him from the grenade launcher.

TWIST – The T-1000 pins the T-800’s arm under heavy machinery. It’s now…

RESOLUTION – John and Sarah against the T-1000 hunting them.

TWIST – The T-800 is able to break off his own arm, freeing him to go save Sarah and John.

TWIST – Sarah sends John away so she can fight the T-1000 herself and save John. It doesn’t go well, as the T-1000 impales her shoulder and demands she “call to John.”

PAYOFF/TWIST – The T-800 saves Sarah and continues his fight with the T-1000. It does not go well as…

TWIST/SETUP – The T-1000 brutally, effortlessly beats the T-800 and deactivates him. The T-800 was inches from the grenade launcher.

TWIST – The T-800 has an alternate power source. He’s able to do what a terminator does best, relentlessly fight to the end.

TWIST – Sarah Conner calls to John. They reunite.

TWIST – Another Sarah Conner appears behind the first one. She aims her shotgun at Sarah. The T-1000 is about to get her!

TWIST – The Sarah holding the shotgun is the real Sarah, and she blasts the T-1000 impersonating her. She backs him up to the edge, where he can fall into the pot of rolling melted steal, but…

TWIST – She runs out of ammo before she can finish her plan. The T-1000 heals right back up.

PAYOFF/TWIST – The T-800 comes up, firing that last grenade into the T-1000, causing it to fall into the melted steel, and finally die.

FINAL SCENE – “It’s over.” Except in order for it to be truly over, the T-800 must be “terminated” as well. John has to say good buy to only the best father figure he’s ever had.

PAYOFF: The T-800 fulfills that promise of being a father by comforting John.

PAYOFF: The T-800’s final moments are expressing himself in a very human way, by giving a thumbs up.

PAYOFF: The “black highway” referenced earlier and the challenge for the audience to learn the value of human life in the same way a machine could.

SETUPS IN FIRST TWO ACTS:

OPENING: A glimpse into the future, and what all of our characters are fighting for…

SETUP: What’s at stake? We see millions of people, living their lives, transitioning to kids laughing and playing on the swing set, and conclude on that same city in ruins, most people dead, and those that remain are caught in a hellish world. “Three billion human lives ended on August 29, 1997.”

SIDE NOTE: Another impactful moment is the panning camera move ending on the same playground we just saw children playing on, but now it’s blanketed in human skulls, with a terminator crushing one of them under its foot.

SETUP: “SkyNet sent two terminators back through time…the first was programmed to [kill Sarah Conner]. The second was set to strike at John himself when he was still a child.”

SETUP: “As before, the resistance was able to send a lone warrior. A protector for John.”

SETUP: As the opening credits role, we go back in time through the nuclear fire that washed over the world, yet another reminder of what’s at stake.

INCITING INCIDENT: The T-800 and the warrior arrive in modern day…

SETUP: The T-800 does…well, whatever a T-800 does. In case you forgot what this thing is all about from the previous film, he is an unstoppable killing machine, and takes what he wants: clothes, boots, a motorcycle, a shotgun, and some stylish sunglasses.

SETUP: We see what we assume to be the warrior sent back in time to protect John. He does what we just saw the T-800 do, but is much sneakier about it, taking a police uniform, standard issue pistol, and police cruiser. Both the T-800 and the mystery warrior (eventually revealed to be the T-800) display exactly how they’re similar and how they’re different in their respective openings, and how each will deal with each other in the final act.

SETUP: We see who John is: a foster kid who’s a punk. We see his mother, Sarah Conner is missing, and that he’s in desperate need of parents who understand him (something the T-800 will learn to become for him).

SETUP: We find Sarah Conner is in a mental institution, which is why she’s not with John. While we believe her, she is clearly mentally unstable and a complete 180 from the average waitress we saw in the first film. Knowing the truth did her no favors.

BY PAGE 10…:The mystery warrior shows up at the foster parents’ house and we find out the T-800 has already been there. It’s a race to see who can get to John first, a retread of the previous film’s first act.

SETUP: John is a skilled hacker. Sarah Conner did teach him some things, and he uses those lessons to rob an ATM. “Easy money.”

SETUP: John has a very troubled relationship with his mother. “She tried to blow up a computer factory,” which led to her being arrested and then institutionalized. This act that tore them apart because of how unstable she was will ironically be something they do together in the final act, with Sarah protecting John as a mother should.

SETUP: Cyberdyne, the computer company John claims Sarah tried to bomb, is in position of a computer chip and arm from the T-800 that attacked Sarah in the previous film. We’re introduced to the lead researcher of the arm and chip, and the man responsible for creating SkyNet.

ACT 1 TURNING POINT: In the major twist that differentiates this from the previous film, the mystery warrior this time is the terminator, a T-1000, and the terminator model from the previous film, the T-800, is John’s protector.

SETUP: This whole reveal is done perfectly, showing that the T-1000 is better than the T-800 in every way: it’s smarter, stealthier, stronger, can take on any appearance, etc. Somehow, the machine that outmatched everyone in the previous film is completely outclassed in the same way by this new terminator. This will raise the stakes between these two in the third act fight, as we’ll be engaged to find out just how you can stop something that is to the T-800 what the T-800 is to humans.

SETUP: The first car chase scene, which will mimic the climax of the film: with the T-1000 having the bigger, heavier, or just plain better vehicle, and John and the T-800 having something smaller and easily overmatched. It’s just more representation that the T-1000 is going to have every conceivable advantage, all the way through to the final scene.

SETUP: Our first look at what the T-1000 really is: an amorphous, liquid killing machine. In the first film, you could at least crush the T-800, which appeared to be the only way you could kill it. It’s more setup in asking the audience to answer the question: how are you going to stop this one?

NOTE: Future John reprogrammed the T-800. It’s a logical progression from hacking simple computers to hacking advanced machines.

SETUP: We get our introduction to one of the T-1000’s most important abilities: it can physically copy anyone and shape-shift. This will play a role in the final act for when the T-1000 impersonates Sarah Conner to get close to John.

SETUP: We also get our introduction to how the T-800 works with John: he has to do whatever John tells him to do. “My own terminator.” This will also translate to John teaching the T-800 to express human emotions due to John’s own sense of morality compelling him to value human life. By extension, this “mission parameter” will lead to the T-800 becoming the best father figure John has ever had, which plays out with an emotional crescendo in the final act.

SETUP: We also first see the T-800’s compromise with “not killing anyone:” he’s going to shoot them in the kneecaps. “He’ll live.” This is maxed out in the final act when we go from just one security guard here, to an entire SWAT unit and “Everyone in the area.”

PAYOFF: The T-800 saying “Come with me if you want to live.” Further expressing the role reversal of the T-800 in this film.

SETUP: We get a small shot of a part of him that broke off integrating with him again. This will again be relevant in the final act when the T-1000 is blown to shards of frozen metal, but when the metal starts to melt again, we understand that the multiple parts can and will just go back together again.

SIDE NOTE: This is a consistent format throughout the first and second acts of this film, where things are introduced in the smallest fashion, so that they can be expressed in grandiose fashion for the third act. It’s a brilliant way of setting things up so that when we see these same elements again, they are taken to their logical extreme, making the experience “new” again.

SETUP: Sarah doesn’t see John as her son, but as an asset. This is going to be relevant in the final act for when Sarah has to learn to be a parent. It’s also an opportunity for another…

SETUP: John tears up due to his mother’s callousness, prompting the T-800 to ask why. Yes, this plays out in the end with the T-800 saying “I know now why you cry, even though it’s something I cannot do.” It’s also a very small sign that the T-800’s inquisitive nature makes him a more understanding figure, where his mother is so overwhelmed by events past and future that she can’t even see the emotional damage being done to her son in the present. The T-800 isn’t just a protector and eventual father figure, but leads Sarah to becoming the mother and parent John needs.

SETUP: The T-800 tears into the car’s ignition to start it, when John just pulls down the car’s visor flap, catching the keys that were hidden there. He asks “Are we learning yet?” This plays a role in the final act.

MIDPOINT: With a new car, and Sarah joining the T-800 and John, the three travel south. Meanwhile…

SETUP: John teaches the T-800 some slang, so that he can emulate humans better. “It’s not ‘affirmative.’ It’s ‘No problemo.’” This is also where we first learn the iconic line “Hasta la vista, baby.” The T-800 will use this line for when he finally bests the T-1000.

SETUP: John watches two little kids fighting. It’s another reminder of what’s at stake, what the machine’s motivations are, and first raises the question, “Can we change?”

SETUP: The T-800 gives a history lesson, and Sarah Conner’s target, Miles Dyson. Dyson will play an important role in the final act and will sacrifice himself to save mankind.

SETUP: The trio end up at a Mexican ranch where they will acquire many of the weapons used in the final act.

SETUP: In the scene where the T-800 is basically a listening ear, the question of crying comes up again. In addition, the T-800 being so involved with John leads Sarah to the conclusion that the T-800 is the perfect father for him. “It would never stop. It would never leave him. It would never hurt him. It would never shout at him or say he was too busy. And it would die to protect him.” This is the kind of setup that gives the final scene its emotional power.

SETUP: In Sarah’s dream, we’re given yet another reminder of what’s at stake, as a nuclear bomb drops on LA, and a look at what Sarah’s life could’ve been, the same life we all have: unaware and apathetic to the reality that still haunts us. The nuclear bomb isn’t a work of fiction, and we have the capability to turn that dream into reality at any time, on any day, without the help of the machines. Human beings can end the world all by themselves. “Can we learn?”

SETUP: After her dream, Sarah chooses to go to kill Miles Dyson, leaving the clue “NO FATE,” which John concludes as “There’s no fate, but what we make for ourselves.” The T-800 leads John to the answer of where his mother’s going and what her plan is, setting up the…

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT: John and the T-800 set out to stop Sarah from killing an innocent man, broadcasting the importance of showing humanity to man, regardless of the end result that may come of it.

SIDE NOTE: Playing the Terminator’s theme over Sarah’s advance on Miles is pitch perfect for the story’s themes. Sarah is operating with a pure, cold “The End justifies the Means” mentality, the same kind a machine would use. It’s perfect comparison to John operating with a “The Means justify the Ends” mentality, and maintaining that human lives are more worth preserving at any cost.

SETUP: While Sarah couldn’t go through with killing Dyson when she looked in his eyes, John and the T-800 still come to his rescue and explain the circumstances to Dyson: All of his research and the previous terminator’s chip and arm will result in the rise of the machines and the end of the world, prompting him to lead the trio into the third act and destroying SkyNet before it can exist.

SETUP: The “black highway” motif is introduced, just as we cross into the third act, setting up the fact that the future is uncertain and not predestined.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Kick-Ass Dialogue!

What I learned doing this assignment is…Don’t just make every line sing with character or cultivate a pulse pounding debate. Dialogue has to coincide with and inform the direction of the scene as much as action. The function of a scene or arc, starting from one polarity and ending at another, still has to be in play, and the dialogue has to reflect that as well. I realize this is more about story structure than dialogue, per se, but I think the important takeaway is that “Kick-Ass” dialogue can only be elevated so far as the scene can be elevated. After pass after pass of these scenes, I realized the fundamental problem was that Sully and Jude pretty much stayed in the exact same place (conflict wise) as when they began. There was no real dimension beyond the differences between their characters. Jude’s arc required a shift in perspective. I don’t think with all the exposition requirements and page limitations (tried keeping this limited to 15 pages) that I can make the two characters “like” each other, but I can shift Sully’s perspective to the “respect” category. Maybe if I decided Jude should play a larger role in the story, I can spare the time to devote more to Sully’s and her relationship. For now, at least, the evolution of Sully going from untrusting, to argumentative, to grateful, to opportunistic, to mournful allows for more of his character traits to be expressed.

————————

Sully: Doctor and Reluctant Father

Inventive

Loving

Controlling

Haunted

Isaiah: Aspie obsessed with Aliens

Obsessive

Focussed

Fact Checker

Super Intelligent

Jude: Hegemony Spy

Undercover

Blue Collar

Deadly

Motherly

Setup:

This is the Jude subplot that occurs just after Sully and Isaiah escape to their apartment from the initial wave of alien worms. Throughout this plot, Jude takes in Sully and Isaiah into her apartment, helps to ward off alien worms, admits to being a government spy and to being infected, ultimately requiring the people she saved to kill her.

——————————

(NOTE: I realize this is a lot. Please feel free to skip to any one scene and review just that scene. I’m grateful for any feedback given.)

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

SULLY and ISAIAH run into their apartment.

Behind them, plodding footsteps of SOMETHING running.

Sully SLAMS the door and LOCKS the bolt shut.

BAM! The door is like a drum, and whatever is on the other side is a Metal band percussionist. BAM! BAM! BAM!

Sully keeps his arm between Isaiah and the BANGING door.

Behind them, a subtle sound chimes in – something clinking…cracking…coming from Isaiah’s room.

ISAIAH

Dad, I’m really sorry.

SULLY

Just stay behind me.

ISAIAH

I just thought if I could get to know him better, then I’d be able to help.

SULLY

And just who have you been helping?

THE CRASH OF GLASS SHATTERING.

ISAIAH

He was lost, and, and…he’s not bad at all. Just misunderstood.

IT slithers out from Isaiah’s bed, a MONSTER OF A WORM.

Isaiah sidesteps away, as the worm is drawn to the viscous BANGING at the front door.

ISAIAH

(whispering)

Just do what I do. The banging—

Before Isaiah can finish, the latch on the door audibly snaps.

SULLY

(Grabbing Isaiah)

Get behind me!

Sully football carries his son into his room…

Kicking the door closed on the way…before stumbling, son in arms, to the foot of his bed.

The DRUMMING continues on the Sully’s door…as Isaiah’s pet worm SQUEEZES underneath the door.

Sully and Isaiah crawl around…and crouch lower and lower behind the couch. Sully cranes his neck to look behind him.

A feeling of MUCUS FLOWS onto the crown of Sully’s head. Oh shit. Don’t move.

The sharp serrated TEETH brush along his HAIR…the warm, damp THING investigates his EAR…in his peripheral, the dark wet SLUG, intimate with Sully’s CHEEKS.

Sully holds his breath. The slug brushes against Sully’s MOUTH. Its teeth make an incision at his NOSE — Sully PUFFS OUT a breath of air!

THE WORM RECOILS BACK!

Sully slams his eyes shut. This is it.

BANG! BANG! WHIZ! PAST SULLY’S EAR! Two heavy bodies HIT THE FLOOR.

Sully opens his eyes, witnessing…

The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies…

And at her feet are both the dead worm – its head blown clean off – and the host missing half its neck.

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.

Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a REVOLVER PISTOL. Very illegal and a sliver of silver smoke leaking from the gun’s barrel.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

How about you try a different figure of speech. Just, considering the context.

JUDE

And what is that context, deer-heart?

ISAIAH

My experiment—

SULLY

You’re what?—

ISAIAH

Tried to eat us.

SULLY

We still need to discuss your choices, son.

JUDE

Would you like to waste time here, or come home with me?

SULLY

Are you going to feed us milk and cookies?

ISAIAH

I don’t think that’s what she’s asking, Dad.

Sully shoots Isaiah a look – No shit, Sherlock.

JUDE

You can try your luck in the wilderness, or you take roost in the stable, deer heart.

SULLY

I’m sorry, I must’ve missed something. Who are you?

JUDE

Let’s skip the formalities, sweet thing. All you need to know is I’m the one who’s going to keep your son alive…just a little longer.

SULLY

And why should we trust you?

JUDE

Well, I see your little one is missing someone—

SULLY

Don’t.

JUDE

And that tells me you don’t have the best track record with protecting your herd.

Sully shoots fire from his eyes.

SULLY

I would die to protect him.

JUDE

Yes, you will.

Isaiah looks at his dad’s shaking hands.

JUDE

(turning around)

Now, come along. We’ve wasted enough time. And yes, I do have some milk and cookies.

Sully follows, holding Isaiah’s hand.

SULLY

Come on. Keep holding my hand.

ISAIAH

Hey, Dad?

No response.

ISAIAH

I don’t blame you.

SULLY

Not right now, son.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Jude tiptoes past the bloody hallway like a cat across a wet floor.

Sully and Isaiah cover their noses close behind her, shuffling against a wall…So as not to step over the DEAD BODY laying across from WALL TO WALL.

ISAIAH

A lot of people missed out on the bunker.

SULLY

(to Jude)

How much further, stable hand?

JUDE

Shush, now. You know crazy ladies are never convenient.

ISAIAH

Is this normal? For people to be left out of the bunker?

SULLY

Don’t ask when you already know the answer.

Behind them, UNSEEN…

A worm slithers out of a grate…and INTO THE MOUTH of the CORPSE on the ground.

The trio hears the cadaver spasm…and turn to see the mouth start to break from the face and skull.

JUDE

(taking aim at the reanimating zombie)

It’s okay, deer heart.

More worms start to slither and leak out of the vents.

Jude puts her gun down.

JUDE

(turning around to run)

But as one shepherd said to the other, let’s get the flock out of here.

Sully and Isaiah pick up the pace and run behind Jude, as a wave of slimy death gives chase.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Jude ushers in Sully and Isaiah through the front door, before SLAMMING it on the host attacking them.

Sully takes note of the walls, WASHED WITH PAINT OVER SEVERAL DOCUMENTS, NOTES, and PICTURES, like something ILLEGAL was being HIDDEN.

Before the question of “WHY” enters his brain, Jude leads him and Isaiah to the BACK ROOM…

BACK ROOM

Inside Sully finds a fully stocked TOOL ROOM – both MANUEL and POWER TOOLS dress the walls, with a WORKBENCH and SINK.

JUDE

Make yourself useful, sweetie. I know you have a way with tools.

SULLY

(pointing to a corner)

Isaiah, get over there and stay there.

ISAIAH

But—

SULLY

No—

ISAIAH

I can—

SULLY

NOW!

Isaiah slinks over to the corner, watching…

His dad takes TWO ELECTRIC NAILERS off of the wall…LOAD the charged batteries and rows of nails into both…and DUCT TAPE the TWO NAILERS to a BASEBALL BAT…TAPING DOWN the TRIGGERS in the process.

Sully tests his new weapon by tapping the bat to the desk – The second the SAFETY PINS on the tips of the nailers hit, they both FIRE NAILS DEEP into the desk.

JUDE

I had a feeling you’d know what to do, considering your background.

Meanwhile, Jude pulls out a part of the wall and presses her hand into a scan. What slides out from the wall are two clips for her gun.

ISAIAH

Guns aren’t allowed.

JUDE

(loading the weapon)

Don’t worry your pretty little head about that.

A loud CRACK sounds off from the front door. Heavy breathing and slithering make the aliens’ presence known from the hallway.

Jude takes aim…

A worm slithers just passed the door—

BLAM! Jude hits it square in the head.

A dozen worms slither in on top of each other—

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Jude doesn’t miss a single shot! BLAM! BLAM! Out of ammo…

Sully charges in, swinging like a barbarian, literally nailing the worms and host with his bat.

Isaiah watches, his eyes shifting back and forth between the aliens and his “protectors.” Finally, having enough, Isaiah looks around and finds a can of paint thinner.

He grabs the thinner, cracks it open with a screwdriver, and runs with it for the door.

SULLY

Isaiah! Stay back!

Isaiah ignores his dad, chucking out a splash of paint thinner on the door frame…which acts like a force field, pushing the worms out from the epicenter of the splash.

Isaiah keeps marching toward the swarm, dumping thinner over the floors with each step, careful to not splash any on the aliens.

With each step and pour, the worms are repelled further and further from the conflict…

A hand GRABS Isaiah’s shoulder…

And pulls him back…to Sully.

ISAIAH

Stop it!

SULLY

I said to stay behind! Stay safe!

Above the two, the ceiling creaks…

Isaiah tosses a torrent of the thinner…splashing it all over the ceiling…and having it rain back down on them.

Isaiah…looking up…GETS THINNER INTO HIS EYES!

HE SCREAMS – BLIND!

As a worm slides up his leg—

Jude takes aim—

CLICK. Out of ammo!

The worm wraps itself around Isaiah’s throat…

Before Sully RIPS it off his son, hurling it at the wall.

JUDE

Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose!

Sully picks up his screaming child and throws his bat at the worms…SPRINTING BACK into the shop.

The worms hesitate at the puddle of thinner…

Giving Jude enough time to reload. She FIRES again. BLAM! BLAM!

ISAIAH

(wiping the thinner out of his eyes)

You’ll never take me alive!

Meanwhile, Sully holds his son under the shop’s sink faucet, spraying water full blast into his son’s eyes to wash the thinner out.

SULLY

You could’ve been obsessed with dinosaurs or left handed historical figures. Something that can’t kill us. Something DEAD!

Isaiah

Mom would’ve listened to me! I’m just a pest to you! Just like THEM!

Sully pulls his son out from the sink, trying to check his son’s bloodshot eyes.

Isaiah squirms free and runs toward the door again…

But Sully pulls him back.

ISAIAH

LET ME GO!

SULLY

Of all the things for you to be obsessed with, why THEM!? Why something that kills!? Something that KILLED YOUR MOTHER!?

ISAIAH

Because I’m not scared of them anymore, like you still are!

Sully pushes Isaiah down to the corner.

SULLY

Just do what I say. That’s how we’re going to get through this. No more fighting. No more. Just shut up, and do what what you’re told.

And with that, Sully runs back to exterminate the rest of the worms with Jude.

LATER

Isaiah sulks in his corner, pretending to skim through the pages of his notebook.

Meanwhile, Jude directs Sully to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.

JUDE

Thank you, deer heart. I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’d ever get all this done without such a hard working man around.

SULLY

It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.

JUDE

Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.

SULLY

Hence the grandma routine, I take it.

JUDE

You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of rebels with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.

SULLY

What kind of grandmother are you?

JUDE

Your friendly neighborhood variety.

SULLY

Okay, I’ve had enough. You know me well enough to trust me in a tool room. I don’t know you, and I don’t trust you. So, lets fix that. Who the hell are you?

ISAIAH (O.S.)

You have one in its metamorphosis?

Jude and Sully look to Isaiah, who’s holding a GLASS BOX with a hand slot and what looks to be the HEAD of an alien worm with FUNGAL SHOOTS spiring out of it.

Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.

ISAIAH

I always hypothesized this life cycle, but I never thought I’d see it!

SULLY

(to Jude)

Family recipe?

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Hasn’t your daddy taught you it’s impolite to go snooping through people’s things? You’re lucky you remind me of someone.

Jude takes the heavy tank from Isaiah…and carries it over to the counter. There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a LIGHTER, before putting her hand through the slot…

And LIGHTING the fungal worm-head ABLAZE.

ISAIAH

No! What’d ya do that for?

SULLY

Whatever it is she’s done, the worms are obviously the least of her worries.

(to Jude)

Drop the act. You’re about as convincing as…well, let’s use your terms – a stick painting itself orange and calling itself a carrot.

Jude takes a deep breath. Oh what the hell.

JUDE

If it makes you happy to know, I’m a Hegemony Intelligence Agent. A spy, if you will.

Sully makes an “Oh shit!” face, grabs Isaiah and makes a break for his bat.

Jude pulls out her pistol and SHOOTS at his feet with the attitude of swatting a fly, stopping Sully in his tracks.

JUDE

I’m sick of watching you cart that poor boy around like you have a say in what happens to him.

Sully puts the dots together.

SULLY

You don’t care that we know?

JUDE

At this point, my superiors care about you the same way a horse cares about where it shits.

(observing the burning remains of the head)

But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, these things are better left forgotten.

SULLY

It must be so easy for people like you to forget. Some of us can’t just light a match, and poof – No more evidence.

Something about Sully’s accusation cuts deep. Jude dismantles her revolver…

JUDE

(placing each piece in the fire)

Yep. Just that easy.

SULLY

Great. That’s great. Real helpful for when we need to get out of here.

JUDE

Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of here alive.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – night

Sully checks the perimeter, looking for any chance of a breach, while Jude sits with Isaiah as he adds to his notebook, eating milk and cookies.

JUDE

This is an impressive notebook. Your daddy know about this?

ISAIAH

No. He wouldn’t understand.

Sully turns at the sting of his son’s words.

ISAIAH

Um, miss?

JUDE

You can call me Jude, deer heart.

ISAIAH

Jude, did you really mean it when you said we wouldn’t make it out alive?

Jude considers her next words, as Isaiah’s question draws Sully’s interest as well.

JUDE

Listen. I don’t know much, but I know your daddy’s going to fight through hell itself to keep you safe.

ISAIAH

That didn’t answer my question.

Sully wants to retort, but stops himself.

JUDE

Yes, and your a smart thing. I’ll give you that. The truth is…Do you know why your daddy jumped when he realized I was a spy?

Isaiah shakes his head.

JUDE

(starting to cough)

Well, once upon a time your daddy was a proud tamed horse, prancing and happy. But now he’s this bucking bronco. To him, “Rules” is just another word for “obstacles.” Something happened that made him lose his way…

SULLY

I think that’s the end of story time.

JUDE

But you know something? I’m jealous of your daddy. There’s still something majestic about seeing something wild and free.

SULLY

Jude.

JUDE

Something I could never be for my little one.

(lets it sink in)

You see your daddy can take on anything on account of you. Me, well, I’ll never be able to be that strong for my Clair, because I’m from that hell your daddy’s persistent in fighting. I can’t know anything beyond it. But you just might.

With that assurance, Isaiah allows a feeling of calmness.

JUDE

(getting up)

I see we’re almost out of our stash.

(coughing)

Just give me a second, sweet thing. I think I have more.

Sully follows Jude into the kitchen, as she organizes cookies onto a plate.

SULLY

(whispering)

Thanks—

JUDE

(whispering)

Don’t. I honestly hate your guts, and if you didn’t have your little boy here…

She turns and coughs, but tries to smile toward Isaiah.

JUDE

Ah, I have just a few left.

SULLY

Hey, Jude?

Jude turns around.

SULLY

Thanks for your help. You make a wonderful grandmother.

Jude lets out another cough, unsure of how to take Sully’s complement.

JUDE

(shifting back to Isaiah)

Now, what’s this you’re working on.

Realization washes over Isaiah’s face.

ISAIAH

Jude, how long have you been infected?

Sully hurries over to Isaiah, holding him and creating a barrier between him and Jude.

JUDE

Coughing gave it away, huh?

ISAIAH

It’s that dry cough. Do you have an inhaler? Anything that can keep the lungs moist?

SULLY

Isaiah, now’s not the time.

ISAIAH

We can add to that time! They won’t hatch until—

JUDE

Your daddy’s right. We’re outside the bunker in an outbreak. There’re rules intended to keep everyone safe.

ISAIAH

But, Jude. There’s a way. We just have to keep your lungs hydrated long enough. We can get a humidifier and get you plenty of water—

JUDE

And then what? You’d still have to get the eggs out. But, you use those smarts to help your daddy out. Maybe you two can get out of this.

Jude pulls out a syringe from her pocket, not dissimilar from the one Dr. Mick used in an earlier scene.

JUDE

As for me. I don’t want to ruin a good thing.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Jude coughs throughout this scene like she has marbles in her lungs.

Sully takes the syringe Jude hands him. Isaiah, gears in his head working triple time to figure a way out of this.

JUDE

I just wanted it to end something different.

SULLY

Before I do this—

JUDE

Please. It hurts.

ISAIAH

She needs moisture! Her lungs are dry!

JUDE

No. No time. Please make it stop.

Sully looks to his son, then back to Jude.

SULLY

Tell me why you’re hear first.

JUDE

You stubborn mule.

SULLY

If you were here for me or any other colonist, you wouldn’t hold back. You were sent here for something else. What was it?

JUDE

Do you want “the truth” or your son?

Jude can’t speak anymore.

ISAIAH

Dad?

Sully looks at his son.

SULLY

Look away, Isaiah.

Sully pumps the shot DEEP into Jude’s back.

The convulsing body all at once relaxes.

Isaiah looks away, sobbing, as Sully closes Jude’s eyes.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Kick-Ass Dialogue! (V.2)

Sully: Doctor and Reluctant Father

Inventive

Loving

Controlling

Haunted

Isaiah: Aspie obsessed with Aliens

Obsessive

Focussed

Fact Checker

Super Intelligent

Jude: Hegemony Spy

Undercover

Blue Collar

Deadly

Motherly

Setup:

This is the Jude subplot that occurs just after Sully and Isaiah escape to their apartment from the initial wave of alien worms. Throughout this plot, Jude takes in Sully and Isaiah into her apartment, helps to ward off alien worms, admits to being a government spy and to being infected, ultimately requiring the people she saved to kill her.

——————————

(NOTE: I realize this is a lot. Please feel free to skip to any one scene and review just that scene. I’m grateful for any feedback given.)

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah run into their apartment.

Behind them, plodding footsteps of SOMETHING running.

Sully SLAMS the door and LOCKS the bolt shut.

BAM! The door is like a drum, and whatever is on the other side is a Metal band percussionist. BAM! BAM! BAM!

Sully keeps his arm between Isaiah and the BANGING door.

Behind them, a subtle sound chimes in – something clinking…cracking…coming from Isaiah’s room.

ISAIAH

Dad, I’m really sorry.

SULLY

Just stay behind me.

ISAIAH

I just thought if I could get to know him better, then I’d be able to help.

SULLY

And just who have you been helping?

THE CRASH OF GLASS SHATTERING.

ISAIAH

He was lost, and, and…he’s not bad at all. Just misunderstood.

IT slithers out from Isaiah’s bed, a MONSTER OF A WORM.

Isaiah sidesteps away, as the worm is drawn to the viscous BANGING at the front door.

ISAIAH

(whispering)

Just do what I do. The banging—

Before Isaiah can finish, the latch on the door audibly snaps.

SULLY

(Grabbing Isaiah)

Get behind me!

Sully football carries his son into his room…

Kicking the door closed on the way…before stumbling, son in arms, to the foot of his bed.

The DRUMMING continues on the Sully’s door…as Isaiah’s pet worm SQUEEZES underneath the door.

Sully and Isaiah crawl around…and crouch lower and lower behind the couch. Sully cranes his neck to look behind him.

A feeling of MUCUS FLOWS onto the crown of Sully’s head. Oh shit. Don’t move.

The sharp serrated TEETH brush along his HAIR…the warm, damp THING investigates his EAR…in his peripheral, the dark wet SLUG, intimate with Sully’s CHEEKS.

Sully holds his breath. The slug brushes against Sully’s MOUTH. Its teeth make an incision at his NOSE — Sully PUFFS OUT a breath of air!

THE WORM RECOILS BACK!

Sully slams his eyes shut. This is it.

BANG! BANG! WHIZ! PAST SULLY’S EAR! Two heavy bodies HIT THE FLOOR.

Sully opens his eyes, witnessing…

The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies…

And at her feet are both the dead worm – its head blown clean off – and the host missing half its neck.

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.

Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a REVOLVER PISTOL. Very illegal and a sliver of silver smoke leaking from the gun’s barrel.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

How about you try a different figure of speech. Just, considering the context.

JUDE

And what is that context, dear-heart?

ISAIAH

My experiment—

SULLY

You’re what?—

ISAIAH

Tried to eat us.

SULLY

We still need to discuss your choices, son.

JUDE

Would you like to waste time here, or come home with me?

SULLY

Are you going to feed us milk and cookies?

ISAIAH

I don’t think that’s what she’s asking, Dad.

Sully shoots Isaiah a look – No shit, Sherlock.

JUDE

Who do you trust more? These bloodthirsty parasites, or the crazy old lady from down the hall? It’s your call, dear-heart.

SULLY

I’m sorry, I must’ve missed something. Who are you?

JUDE

Let’s skip the formalities, sweet thing. All you need to know is I’m the one who’s going to keep your son alive…just a little longer.

SULLY

And why should we trust you?

JUDE

Well, I see your little one is missing someone—

SULLY

Don’t.

JUDE

And that tells me you don’t have the best track record with protecting your herd.

Sully shoots fire from his eyes.

SULLY

I would die to protect him.

JUDE

Yes, you will.

Isaiah looks at his dad’s shaking hands.

JUDE

(turning around)

Now, come along. We’ve wasted enough time. And yes, I do have some milk and cookies.

Sully follows, holding Isaiah’s hand.

SULLY

Come on. Keep holding my hand.

ISAIAH

Hey, Dad?

No response.

ISAIAH

I don’t blame you.

SULLY

Not right now, son.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Jude tiptoes past the bloody hallway like a cat across a wet floor.

Sully and Isaiah, who’s still holding onto his backpack, cover their noses close behind her, shuffling against a wall…So as not to step over the DEAD BODY laying across from WALL TO WALL.

ISAIAH

A lot of people missed out on the bunker.

SULLY

(to Jude)

How much further, stable hand?

JUDE

Shush, now. You know crazy ladies are never convenient.

ISAIAH

Is this normal? For people to be left out of the bunker?

SULLY

Don’t ask when you already know the answer.

Behind them, UNSEEN…

A worm slithers out of a grate…and INTO THE MOUTH of the CORPSE on the ground.

The trio hears the cadaver spasm…and turn to see the mouth start to break from the face and skull.

JUDE

(taking aim at the reanimating zombie)

It’s okay, dear-heart.

More worms start to slither and leak out of the vents.

Jude puts her gun down.

JUDE

(turning around to run)

But as one shepherd said to the other, lets get the flock out of here.

Sully and Isaiah pick up the pace and run behind Jude, as a wave of slimy death gives chase.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Jude ushers in Sully and Isaiah through the front door, before SLAMMING it on the host attacking them.

Sully takes note of Jude’s apartment: a chamber of clues WASHED AWAY with PAINT, like something ILLEGAL was being HIDDEN.

Before the question of “WHY” enters his brain, Jude leads him and Isaiah to the BACK ROOM…

BACK ROOM

Inside Sully finds a fully stocked TOOL ROOM – both MANUAL and POWER TOOLS dress the walls, with a WORKBENCH and SINK.

JUDE

Make yourself useful, sweetie. I know you have a way with tools.

SULLY

(pointing to a corner)

Isaiah, get over there and stay there.

ISAIAH

But—

SULLY

No—

ISAIAH

(pulling a spiral notebook from his backpack)

I can—

SULLY

NOW!

Isaiah slinks over to the corner, watching…

His dad takes TWO ELECTRIC NAILERS off of the wall…LOAD the charged batteries and rows of nails into both…and DUCT TAPE the TWO NAILERS to a BASEBALL BAT…TAPING DOWN the TRIGGERS in the process.

Sully tests his new weapon by tapping the bat to the desk – The second the SAFETY PINS on the tips of the nailers hit, they both FIRE NAILS DEEP into the desk.

JUDE

I had a feeling you’d know what to do, considering your background.

Meanwhile, Jude pulls out a box of .429 caliber rounds, and loads each one into her revolver.

ISAIAH

Guns aren’t allowed.

JUDE

(loading the weapon)

Don’t worry your pretty little head about that.

A loud CRACK sounds off from the front door. Heavy breathing and slithering make the aliens’ presence known from the hallway.

Jude takes aim…

A worm slithers just passed the door—

BLAM! Jude hits it square in the head.

A dozen worms slither in on top of each other—

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Jude doesn’t miss a single shot! BLAM! BLAM! Out of ammo…

Sully charges in, swinging like a barbarian, literally nailing the worms and host with his bat.

Isaiah watches, his eyes shifting back and forth between the aliens and his “protectors.” Finally, having enough, Isaiah looks around and finds a can of paint thinner.

He grabs the thinner, cracks it open with a screwdriver, and runs with it for the door.

SULLY

Isaiah! Stay back!

Isaiah ignores his dad, chucking out a splash of paint thinner on the door frame…which acts like a force field, pushing the worms out from the epicenter of the splash.

Isaiah keeps marching toward the swarm, dumping thinner over the floors with each step, careful to not splash any on the aliens.

With each step and pour, the worms are repelled further and further from the conflict…

A hand GRABS Isaiah’s shoulder…

And pulls him back…to Sully.

ISAIAH

Stop it!

SULLY

I said to stay behind! Stay safe!

Above the two, the ceiling creaks…

Isaiah tosses a torrent of the thinner…splashing it all over the ceiling…and having it rain back down on them.

Isaiah…looking up…GETS THINNER INTO HIS EYES!

HE SCREAMS – BLIND!

As a worm slides up his leg—

Jude takes aim—

CLICK. Out of ammo!

The worm wraps itself around Isaiah’s throat…

Before Sully RIPS it off his son, hurling it at the wall.

JUDE

Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose!

Sully picks up his screaming child and throws his bat at the worms…SPRINTING BACK into the shop.

The worms hesitate at the puddle of thinner…

Giving Jude enough time to reload. She FIRES again. BLAM! BLAM!

ISAIAH

(wiping the thinner out of his eyes)

You’ll never take me alive!

Meanwhile, Sully holds his son under the shop’s sink faucet, spraying water full blast into his son’s eyes to wash the thinner out.

SULLY

You could’ve been obsessed with dinosaurs or left handed historical figures. Something that can’t kill us. Something DEAD!

ISAIAH

Mom would’ve listened to me! I’m just a pest to you! Just like THEM!

Sully pulls his son out from the sink, trying to check his son’s bloodshot eyes.

Isaiah squirms free and runs toward the door again…

But Sully pulls him back.

ISAIAH

LET ME GO!

SULLY

Of all the things for you to be obsessed with, why THEM!? Why something that kills!? Something that KILLED YOUR MOTHER!?

ISAIAH

Because I’m not scared of them anymore, like you still are!

Sully pushes Isaiah down to the corner.

SULLY

Just do what I say. That’s how we’re going to get through this. No more fighting. No more. Just shut up, and do what what you’re told.

And with that, Sully runs back to exterminate the rest of the worms with Jude.

LATER

Isaiah sulks in his corner, pretending to skim through the pages of his notebook.

Meanwhile, Jude directs Sully to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.

JUDE

Thank you, dear-heart. I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’d ever get all this done without such a hard working man around.

SULLY

It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.

JUDE

Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.

SULLY

Hence the grandma routine, I take it.

JUDE

You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of rebels with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.

ISAIAH

Excuse me?

SULLY

What kind of grandmother are you?

ISAIAH

Excuse me?

JUDE

Your friendly neighborhood variety.

ISAIAH

Excuse meeeee.

SULLY

Okay, I’ve had enough. You know me well enough to trust me in a tool room. I don’t know you, and I don’t trust you. So, lets fix that. Who the hell are you?

ISAIAH (O.S.)

Excuse me!

Jude and Sully finally look to Isaiah, who’s holding his notebook and a GLASS BOX with a hand slot and what looks to be the HEAD of an alien worm with FUNGAL SHOOTS spiring out of it.

Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.

ISAIAH

I’ve never seen one like this before. What’s going on with it?

SULLY

(to Jude)

Family recipe?

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Hasn’t your daddy taught you it’s impolite to go snooping through people’s things? You’re lucky you remind me of someone.

Jude takes the heavy tank from Isaiah…and carries it over to the counter. There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a LIGHTER, before putting her hand through the slot…

And LIGHTING the fungal worm-head ABLAZE.

ISAIAH

Wait! What was that? What was wrong with it?

SULLY

Whatever it is she’s done, the worms are obviously the least of her worries.

(to Jude)

Drop the act. You’re about as convincing as…well, let’s use your terms – a stick painting itself orange and calling itself a carrot.

Jude takes a deep breath. Oh what the hell.

JUDE

If it makes you happy to know, I’m a Hegemony Intelligence Agent. A spy, if you will.

Sully makes an “Oh shit!” face, grabs Isaiah and makes a break for his bat.

Jude pulls out her pistol and SHOOTS at his feet with the attitude of swatting a fly, stopping Sully in his tracks.

JUDE

I’m sick of watching you cart that poor boy around like you have a say in what happens to him.

Sully puts the dots together.

SULLY

You don’t care that we know?

JUDE

At this point, my superiors care about you the same way a horse cares about where it shits.

(observing the burning remains of the head)

But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, these things are better left forgotten.

SULLY

It must be so easy for people like you to forget. Some of us can’t just light a match, and poof – No more evidence.

Something about Sully’s accusation cuts deep. Jude dismantles her revolver…

JUDE

(placing each piece in the fire)

Yep. Just that easy.

SULLY

Great. That’s great. Real helpful for when we need to get out of here.

JUDE

Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of here alive.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – night

Sully checks the perimeter, looking for any chance of a breach, while Jude sits with Isaiah as he adds to his notebook, eating milk and cookies.

JUDE

This is an impressive notebook. Your daddy know about this?

ISAIAH

No. He wouldn’t understand.

Sully turns at the sting of his son’s words.

ISAIAH

Um, miss?

JUDE

You can call me Jude, dear-heart.

ISAIAH

Jude, did you really mean it when you said we wouldn’t make it out alive?

Jude considers her next words, as Isaiah’s question draws Sully’s interest as well.

JUDE

Listen. I don’t know much, but I know your daddy’s going to fight through hell itself to keep you safe.

ISAIAH

That didn’t answer my question.

Sully wants to retort, but stops himself.

JUDE

Yes, and your a smart thing. I’ll give you that. The truth is…Do you know why your daddy jumped when he realized I was a spy?

Isaiah shakes his head.

JUDE

(starting to cough)

Well, once upon a time your daddy was a proud tamed horse, prancing and happy. But now he’s this bucking bronco. To him, “Rules” is just another word for “obstacles.” Something happened that made him lose his way…

SULLY

I think that’s the end of story time.

JUDE

But you know something? I’m jealous of your daddy. There’s still something majestic about seeing something wild and free.

SULLY

Jude.

JUDE

Something I could never be for my little one.

(lets it sink in)

You see, your daddy’ll tear down the barn and everything in it on account of you. Me, well, let’s just say I’m the stable hand for a reason.

Isaiah allows a feeling of calmness, knowing there was something reassuring, even though his literal mind is still working out the details.

JUDE

(getting up)

I see we’re almost out of our stash.

(coughing)

Just give me a second, sweet thing. I think I have more.

Sully follows Jude into the kitchen, as she organizes cookies onto a plate.

SULLY

(whispering)

Thanks—

JUDE

(whispering)

Don’t. I honestly hate your guts, and if you didn’t have your little boy here…

She turns and coughs, but tries to smile toward Isaiah.

JUDE

Ah, I have just a few left.

SULLY

Hey, Jude?

Jude turns around.

SULLY

Thanks for your help. You make a wonderful grandmother.

Jude lets out another cough, unsure of how to take Sully’s complement.

JUDE

(shifting back to Isaiah)

Now, what’s this you’re working on.

Realization washes over Isaiah’s face.

ISAIAH

Jude, how long have you been infected?

Sully hurries over to Isaiah, holding him and creating a barrier between him and Jude.

JUDE

Coughing gave it away, huh?

ISAIAH

It’s that dry cough. Do you have an inhaler? Anything that can keep the lungs moist?

SULLY

Isaiah, now’s not the time.

ISAIAH

We can add to that time! They won’t hatch until—

JUDE

Your daddy’s right. We’re outside the bunker in an outbreak. There’re rules intended to keep everyone safe.

ISAIAH

But, Jude. There’s a way. We just have to keep your lungs hydrated long enough. We can get a humidifier and get you plenty of water—

JUDE

And then what? You’d still have to get the eggs out. But, you use those smarts to help your daddy out. Maybe you two can get out of this.

Jude pulls out a syringe, not dissimilar from the one Dr. Mick used in an earlier scene, wrapped in a photograph of a little girl.

JUDE

As for me. I don’t want to ruin a good thing.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Jude coughs throughout this scene like she has marbles in her lungs.

Sully takes the syringe Jude hands him. Isaiah, gears in his head working triple time to figure a way out of this.

JUDE

(focussed on the photograph of her granddaughter)

I just wanted it to end something different.

SULLY

Before I do this—

JUDE

Please. It hurts.

ISAIAH

She needs moisture! Her lungs are dry!

JUDE

No. No time. Please make it stop.

Sully looks to his son, then back to Jude.

SULLY

Tell me why you’re hear first.

JUDE

You stubborn mule.

SULLY

If you were here for me or any other colonist, you wouldn’t hold back. You were sent here for something else. What was it?

JUDE

Do you want “the truth” or your son? Trust me, one’s worth more than the other.

Jude can’t speak anymore.

ISAIAH

Dad?

Sully looks at his son.

SULLY

Look away, Isaiah.

Sully pumps the shot DEEP into Jude’s back.

The convulsing body all at once relaxes.

Isaiah looks away, sobbing, as Sully closes Jude’s eyes.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Kick-Ass Dialogue! (V.3)

Additional lessons learned…Advanced dialogue isn’t about putting lipstick on a pig. Sometimes, you have to change up what the scene’s about. Also found that one struggle I had was applying subtext to important plot points. I could, in theory, still get around some sticky areas (particularly exposition) if I instead chose to apply subtext using more personal, emotional motivations, rather than inadvertently concealing plot details behind vague dialogue choices. This may just be reflective of my experience, and I’ll get better with the nuance over time. Thanks again to June’s, Lisa’s, Matthew’s, and Dev’s notes and great questions! Y’all helped me get to the heart of the various issues that existed within this arc.

—————————

(NOTE: Once again, I’m not expecting anyone to review the entire arc. Feel free to review just one scene.)

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah run into their apartment.

Behind them, plodding footsteps of SOMETHING running.

Sully SLAMS the door and LOCKS the bolt shut.

BAM! The door is thrashed as if by a rock band. BAM! BAM! BAM!

Sully keeps his arm between Isaiah and the BANGING door.

Behind them, a subtle clinking…cracking…coming from Isaiah’s room.

ISAIAH

Dad, I’m really sorry.

SULLY

Just stay behind me.

ISAIAH

I just thought if I could get to know him better, then I’d be able to help.

SULLY

And just who have you been helping?

CRASH! GLASS SHATTERING!

ISAIAH

He was lost, and, and…he’s not bad at all. Just misunderstood.

ISAIAH’S ROOM

A 15 FOOT MONSTER OF A WORM slithers out from Isaiah’s bed, into…

THE LIVING ROOM

Isaiah sidesteps away.

ISAIAH

(whispering)

Just do what I do.

SULLY copies his son’s movements, as the worm is drawn to the viscous BANGING at the front door.

ISAIAH

(whispering)

See? It’s mostly blind. The banging—

SNAPS! The latch on the door BREAKS!

SULLY

(Grabbing Isaiah)

Get behind me!

Sully football carries his son into…

SULLY’S ROOM

Kicking the door closed…

And stumbling, son in arms, to the foot of his bed.

DRUMMING on Sully’s door…as Isaiah’s pet worm SQUEEZES underneath the door.

Sully and Isaiah SCURRY around the bed…

WAITING – Think! Think—

MUCUS FLOWS over Sully’s head – Oh shit. Don’t move.

Sully HOLDS HIS BREATH as the sharp serrated TEETH brush through his HAIR…

The warm, damp THING intimate with his EAR…

His CHEEKS…

HIS MOUTH – Hold it in! Hold i—

Sully PUFFS OUT a breath of air!

THE WORM RECOILS BACK!

Sully slams his eyes shut. This is it.

BANG! BANG! Bodies HIT THE FLOOR.

Sully opens his eyes, witnessing…

The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies…

And at her feet are both the dead worm – its head blown clean off – and the host missing half its neck.

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.

Sully registers what’s in her hands – a REVOLVER PISTOL. Very illegal and a sliver of silver smoke leaking from the gun’s barrel.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

How about you try a different figure of speech. Just, considering the context.

JUDE

And what is that context, dear-heart?

ISAIAH

My experiment—

SULLY

You’re what?—

ISAIAH

Tried to eat us.

SULLY

Isaiah?

ISAIAH

Yes, dad?

SULLY

You’re grounded.

ISAIAH

I don’t think this is the appropriate time, dad.

JUDE

I see your front door’s broken. Do you want to come home with me?

SULLY

Well, let me think. Follow the crazy cat lady with the only gun in a billion miles. Will there be milk and cookies?

JUDE

Who do you trust more? These bloodthirsty parasites, or…

(motioning the gun)

It’s your call, dear-heart.

SULLY

Right. And you are? I’m sorry, you’re making perfect sense, but the contraband is throwing me off.

JUDE

Let’s skip the formalities, sweet thing. All you need to know is I’m the one who’s going to keep your son alive…just a little longer.

SULLY

And why should we trust you?

JUDE

Well, I don’t see momma anywhere—

SULLY

(sees where she’s going)

Don’t.

JUDE

And that tells me you don’t have the best track record with protecting your herd.

She didn’t cross the line. She tore the damn wall down!

SULLY

I would die to protect him.

JUDE

Yes, you will.

Isaiah looks at his dad’s shaking hands.

JUDE

(turning around)

Now, come along. We’ve wasted enough time. And yes, I do have some milk and cookies.

Sully follows, holding Isaiah’s hand.

SULLY

Come on. Keep holding my hand.

ISAIAH

Hey, Dad?

No response.

ISAIAH

I don’t blame you.

SULLY

Not right now, son.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Jude glides past the bloody hallway like a cat across a wet floor.

Sully and Isaiah tiptoe over the DEAD BODY laying across from WALL TO WALL.

ISAIAH

A lot of people missed out on the bunker.

SULLY

(to Jude)

How much further, gun slinger?

JUDE

Shush, now. You know crazy ladies are never convenient.

ISAIAH

Is this normal? For people to be left out of the bunker?

SULLY

Don’t ask when you already know the answer.

Behind them, UNSEEN…

A worm slithers out of a grate…

and INTO THE MOUTH of the CORPSE on the ground.

The trio hears the cadaver SPASM…

and turn to see the mouth BREAKING from the face and skull.

JUDE

(taking aim at the reanimating zombie)

It’s okay, dear-heart.

More worms SLITHER and LEAK out of the vents.

Jude holsters her gun.

JUDE

(turning around to run)

But as one shepherd said to the other, lets get the flock out of here.

Sully and Isaiah RUN behind Jude, as a wave of SLIMY DEATH gives chase.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Jude ushers in Sully and Isaiah through the front door, leaving it OPEN…

Before leading the two of them to…

THE BACK ROOM

SLAMMING that door on the host attacking them.

Inside Sully finds, well, how to describe this room…

It’s Batman’s lair if Alfred destroyed as much evidence as sixty seconds would allow.

JUDE

(pointing to an assortment of untouched tools dressing a wall)

Make yourself useful, sweetie. I know you have a way with tools.

SULLY

(pointing to a corner)

Isaiah, get over there and stay there.

ISAIAH

But—

SULLY

Talk and walk, buddy!

Isaiah scurries over to a corner and pulls out a spiral notebook from his backpack…

Meanwhile, his dad takes TWO ELECTRIC NAILERS off of the wall…

ISAIAH

(pointing to his own notes on a fleshed out page)

Here! It says we can catch and release them. Step one…

Sully doesn’t bother listening, as he LOADS the charged batteries and rows of nails into both nailers…

ISAIAH

(in his own world)

This is why alkaline’s very important…

And DUCT TAPES the TWO NAILERS to a BASEBALL BAT…

JUDE

I had a feeling you’d know what to do, considering your background.

TAPING DOWN the TRIGGERS in the process, knowing the nailers won’t fire unless the safety pins on the tips of the nailers are pressed down.

Meanwhile, Jude pulls out a box of .429 caliber rounds, and loads each one into her revolver.

ISAIAH

Guns aren’t allowed!

JUDE

(loading the weapon)

Don’t worry your pretty little head about that.

Sully tests his new weapon by tapping the bat to the desk – The second the SAFETY PINS hit, they both FIRE NAILS DEEP into the desk.

SULLY

So, are you the smuggler or the Hegemony agent? Every colony has one or the other.

The door CRACKS!

Jude takes aim…

JUDE

I’ll let you decide, dear-heart.

A worm SLITHERS under the door—

BLAM! Jude hits it square in the head.

THE DOOR EXPLODES OPEN! – A dozen worms SLITHER in on top of each other with the HOST BURSTING IN—

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Jude doesn’t miss a single shot! BLAM! BLAM! Out of ammo…

Sully charges in, swinging like a barbarian, literally NAILING the worms and host with his bat.

Isaiah watches, his eyes shifting back and forth between the aliens and his “protectors.” He’s had enough, searching for a can of paint remover, looking for the ingredient sodium hydroxide.

He GRABS a CAN, cracks it open with a screwdriver, and runs with it for the door.

SULLY

Isaiah! Get your ass back in that corner!

Isaiah ignores his dad, CHUCKING out a SPLASH of remover on the door frame…

Like an invisible force field, the worms are repelled from the epicenter of the splash!

Isaiah keeps marching toward the swarm, dumping remover over the floors with each step, careful to not splash any on the aliens themselves.

With each STEP and POUR, the worms buck further and further from the conflict…

A hand GRABS Isaiah’s shoulder…

And pulls him back…to Sully.

ISAIAH

Stop it!

SULLY

I said to stay behind! Stay safe!

Above the two, the ceiling creaks…

Isaiah tosses a torrent of the remover…splashing it all over the ceiling…and having it rain back down on them.

Isaiah…looking up…GETS REMOVER IN HIS EYES!

HE SCREAMS – BLIND!

As a worm slides up his leg—

Jude takes aim—

CLICK. Out of ammo!

The worm wraps itself around Isaiah’s throat—

Before Sully RIPS it off his son, hurling it at the wall…

As more worms try to CLOSE IN!

JUDE

Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose!

Sully launches his bat at the worms…SPRINTING BACK into the shop with Isaiah in tow.

The worms hesitate at the puddle of remover at the door…

Giving Jude enough time to reload. She FIRES again. BLAM! BLAM!

ISAIAH

(wiping the remover out of his eyes)

I gave you instructions, but you never listen to me!

Meanwhile, Sully holds his son under the shop’s sink faucet, spraying water full blast into his son’s eyes to wash the chemicals out.

SULLY

You could’ve been obsessed with dinosaurs or left handed historical figures. Something that can’t kill us. Something DEAD!

ISAIAH

Mom would’ve listened to me! I’m just a pest to you! Just like THEM!

Sully pulls his son out from the sink, checking his son’s bloodshot eyes.

Isaiah squirms free and runs toward the door again…

But Sully pulls him back.

ISAIAH

LET ME GO!

SULLY

Of all the things for you to be obsessed with, why THEM!? Why something that kills!? Something that KILLED YOUR MOTHER!?

ISAIAH

Because I’m not scared of them anymore, like YOU still are!

Sully pushes Isaiah down to the corner.

SULLY

Just do what I say. That’s how we’re going to get through this. No more fighting. No more. Just shut up, and do what what you’re told.

And with that, Sully runs back to exterminate the rest of the worms with Jude.

LATER – JUDE’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Isaiah sulks in a recliner, nibbling through the last cookies on a plate.

Meanwhile, Jude directs Sully to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.

JUDE

Thank you, dear-heart. I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’d ever get all this done without such a hard working man around.

SULLY

It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.

JUDE

Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.

SULLY

Hence the grandma routine, I take it.

JUDE

You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of these “secessionists” with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.

(shifting her attention to the empty plate of cookies)

Now, enough of this kind of heavy talk. I have a more important job to do.

She picks up the empty plate.

JUDE

(clearing her throat)

Just give me a second, sweet thing. I think I have one more batch.

She heads to the kitchen…placing the plate down…and continues to the restroom just as her COUGHING picks up.

Sully follows her to the…

BATHROOM

Finding her slurping water from the faucet as she resists the urge to hack up her lung.

SULLY

Where is it?

JUDE

Where’s what, young man?

SULLY

You’re infected. Maybe not by what we just faced, but sometime before you met us, you took a big breath of some spores. And with the way you handle that gun, you’re obviously not a smuggler. So, where’s the suicide syringe?

Jude turns around, water still dripping from her face, aiming her REVOLVER right at Sully’s HEART!

JUDE

One more word out of your mouth…

Sully’s lips are zipped.

JUDE

Now, I’m going to enjoy however long is left doing what any grandmother should do.

ISAIAH

(from the other room)

Excuse me?

SULLY

What kind of grandmother are you?

ISAIAH

(closer)

Excuse me?

JUDE

Your friendly neighborhood variety.

ISAIAH

Excuse meeeee.

Jude hides her revolver as she and Sully look to Isaiah, who’s holding his notebook and a GLASS BOX with a HAND SLOT and what looks to be the HEAD of an alien worm with FUNGAL SHOOTS spiring out of it.

Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.

ISAIAH

I’ve never seen one like this before. What’s going on with it?

SULLY

(to Jude)

Family recipe?

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Hasn’t your daddy taught you it’s impolite to go snooping through people’s things? I swear, I’m too old to be doing this.

Jude takes the heavy tank from Isaiah…and carries it over to the…

kitchen counter

There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a LIGHTER, before putting her hand through the slot…

And LIGHTING the fungal worm-head ABLAZE.

ISAIAH

Wait! What was that? What was wrong with it?

Sully puts the dots together.

SULLY

Can’t have any evidence tying the Hegemony to the worms? Right? But, then, where does that leave us.

JUDE

At this point, my superiors care about you the same way a horse cares about where it does its business.

(observing the burning remains of the head)

But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, these things are better left forgotten.

SULLY

It must be so easy for people like you to forget. Some of us can’t just light a match, and poof – No more evidence.

Something about Sully’s accusation cuts deep. Jude dismantles her revolver…

JUDE

(placing each piece in the fire)

Yep. Just that easy.

SULLY

Great. That’s great. Real helpful for when we need to get out of here.

JUDE

Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of…what comes next.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – night

Jude sits with Isaiah as he adds to his notebook, eating milk and cookies…

While Sully watches Jude’s every move…every breath.

JUDE

Don’t you want to talk about something other than them?

ISAIAH

(I don’t want to)

We can. I’m just wrapping up some notes now.

JUDE

Tell me more about you and your daddy. I want to hear all about what y’all do for fun.

ISAIAH

Not much. Not since mom died.

JUDE

You say that so…Does it hurt?

ISAIAH

I don’t really think about it.

Jude looks up from Isaiah, and eyes Sully – Yeah, it hurts to talk about it.

JUDE

(ahem)

What are you writing in your notebook?

ISAIAH

Just some stuff about the worms. Questions for later.

JUDE

What kind of questions?

ISAIAH

Well, what were those things growing out of the head in that glass box?

JUDE

Oh, that’s just what happens at the end of their life cycle.

ISAIAH

How do you know?

JUDE

You’re looking at the worm expert.

ISAIAH

(are you pulling my leg?)

Really?

JUDE

Yep! I had to study these little buggers every day.

ISAIAH

So, wait. I thought they built a nest and that’s how the spores were spread?

JUDE

Nope! They go from spore eggs, to worms, and back to those fungal looking things you saw.

ISAIAH

Hold on! I gotta write this down.

Jude looks up and sees Sully, watching Isaiah – a mix of “happy if he’s happy” and “they killed my wife.”

SULLY

Hey, kid? I don’t know if this is the way Jude wants to spend—

JUDE

Oh, pish posh. I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend my time.

ISAIAH

Another question. Why do we have a worm epidemic in the first place?

JUDE

What do you mean?

ISAIAH

From what I’ve read, there should be some kind of equalizer or something. But the library doesn’t have any information on that. It doesn’t make sense for them to be as efficient as they are, or they’d wipe out the rest of the indigenous fauna.

JUDE

(light coughing)

Well, that’s kinda top secret.

(but, upon seeing Isaiah’s disappointment)

But, if you must know, the initial terraforming wiped out a keystone species – the kind that would’ve kept them in check.

ISAIAH

But, terraforming’s not supposed to impact alien wildlife.

JUDE

(coughing)

Well, sweetie, that’s a bit of a lie.

SULLY

(it all makes sense, now)

And you were sent to make sure no one found out that’s what it was.

Jude doesn’t answer, as her coughing morphs into whooping and hacking…

ISAIAH

Jude?

JUDE

I didn’t want a good thing to be ruined.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Jude coughs throughout this scene like she has marbles in her lungs.

Sully searches the nigh incapacitated Jude for a syringe, not too dissimilar from the one Dr. Mick used in the earlier scene.

Isaiah, gears in his head working triple time to figure a way out of this.

JUDE

I just wanted it to end something different.

ISAIAH

She needs moisture! Her lungs are dry!

SULLY

We don’t have time.

ISAIAH

We can add to the time! If we can just get an inhaler or something to add moisture to the lungs, we could buy enough time to maybe extract the eggs!

Sully searches one last pocket – Found it!

He pulls out a SYRINGE wrapped in a PHOTOGRAPH.

Jude REACHES for the items in Sully’s hand…

SNATCHING the photograph from him.

She flattens out the picture, revealing a little girl no older than Isaiah – her granddaughter.

JUDE

(focused on the picture)

I’m sorry. I wish it ended something different.

ISAIAH

Dad?

Sully looks at his son.

SULLY

Look away, Isaiah.

Sully PUMPS the shot DEEP into Jude’s back.

The CONVULSING body all at once relaxes.

Isaiah looks away, sobbing, as Sully closes Jude’s eyes.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Colorful Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is…don’t settle for average dialogue. Make every line pack a punch that sings with character, and don’t be hesitant to bring physicality to the scene. Again, it goes back to the question, what does this blocking, or this line say about this character.

——————

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

SULLY checks the perimeter, looking for any chance of a breach, while JUDE sits with ISAIAH as he adds to his notebook.

ISAIAH

Are you really a spy?

JUDE

Oh, not a very good one. I’m more of a hired ranch hand.

SULLY

(in a thick redneck accent)

Howdy, I reckon that’s exactly what they hired you to do. Shovel The Hegemony’s crap?

Jude shifts her attention to Sully when he checks the door to her room.

JUDE

That’s secured, deer heart.

SULLY

(oh really?)

I’m sure it is.

Sully jiggles the handle, looking for a way inside.

SULLY

I’m sure that’s why they sent a wannabe cow polk to the far reaches of space. To shovel piles and piles of crap behind this very door.

Jude gets up.

ISAIAH

I’m sorry, I’m lost. I don’t think she’s here to shovel…poop.

JUDE

(on her way over to Sully)

Let me explain…

Jude takes Sully by the arm and puts him in a wrist lock.

ISAIAH

(jumping to his feet)

Daddy!?

JUDE

(pulling Sully away from the door)

Without a steady hand guiding it, a horse will never achieve its greatest potential.

SULLY

(breaking free)

Enough, I’m fine! Everything’s okay, Isaiah.

Sully then runs over and FRONT KICKS the door. The impact reverberates across Sully’s leg, but the door itself doesn’t budge.

SULLY

(grabbing his leg)

Shit!

JUDE

See, sweet thing. *cough* Your daddy’s still a wild animal, no better than those things.

Jude JUDO THROWS Sully to the floor.

JUDE

(coughing)

And only a capable hand can break an animal in to make it useful.

Jude lets go and coughs, desperate to catch her breath.

Realization washes over Isaiah’s face.

ISAIAH

Jude, how long have you been infected?

Sully gets up and hurries over to Isaiah, holding him and creating a barrier between him and Jude.

JUDE

Well, aren’t you perceptive? If only your daddy would let me catch my breath.

ISAIAH

Do you have an inhaler? Anything that can keep the lungs moist?

SULLY

Isaiah, now’s not the time.

ISAIAH

We can add to that time! They won’t hatch until—

SULLY

We have to go.

JUDE

Go where? You’re outside the bunker in an outbreak. There’re rules intended to keep everyone safe.

SULLY

I know. Just as well as you do. The only difference is I learned “rules” is just another word for “obstacles.” And I’m playing to win this time.

JUDE

All you people are the same. Too stupid to realize life’s a lot easier when you accept the inevitable.

ISAIAH

But, Jude. There’s a way. We just have to keep your lungs hydrated long enough. We can get a humidifier and get you plenty of water—

JUDE

And then what? You’d still have to get the eggs out. But, you use those smarts to help your daddy out. Maybe you two can get out of this.

(coughing becomes much more intense all of a sudden)

As for me. I don’t want to ruin a good thing.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Subtext Pointers 2

What I learned doing this assignment is…Similar to yesterday’s assignment, I took some of the lines I’ve had a problem with, and tried to write a number of variations to get to one that was more original and spoke to who the character was, beyond the generic version we’ve heard a hundred times already, such as below…

Original line:

SULLY

No more secrets. Just who the hell are you? Where and how did you get something outlawed in all of space?

NOTE: This is the exact same line repeated in three different ways. It’s only originality is in slight variation of word choice and structure throughout the three sentences. It neither excites or brings attention to Sully’s unique character. It’s as dull as dull can get. Here are some ways I could rewrite this line using the different subtext pointers…

Metaphor

SULLY

Drop the act already. You’re about as convincing now as a snail drawing spots on itself and declaring it’s a cheetah.

Implication

SULLY

The same reason this place looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. Whatever it is you’ve done, the worms are the least of your worries.

Insinuation

SULLY

I’d like to know the same thing? Anything you haven’t burned or painted over, other than us two?

Hint

SULLY

I’ll give you a hint. Why did you hide your “experiment” under the bed?

Sarcasm

SULLY

What, you don’t know worms make for exquisite snacks when cooked thoroughly? Why else would she keep that thing around?

Allusion

SULLY

Something about carrots and sticks, I’m sure.

There. I have an assortment of different lines to choose from, all distinct that could point closer to who Sully is. I honestly like the Metaphor line the best, but Implication and Allusion work for me too, and I can always combine them to create something of a mix, taking the best elements from each.

Now, that all said, I think this scene was written with the original subtext assignment a couple weeks back. So I’m using this as an opportunity to try and clean up some of the dialogue. There’s a lot that Jude’s hiding, and I don’t have to reveal it all in one scene. There’re really only one thing this scene HAS to establish, and one thing this scene has to set up. It HAS to establish Jude is a spy, and it has set up the next reveal concerning the secret her superiors want covered up. Beyond that, what this scene gets to do is further develop the characters, their beliefs, and engage the audience in their journey, and I think the subtext pointers are perfect for giving the audience a glimpse into what makes these characters tick.

———————

LATER

Isaiah sulks in his corner, pretending to skim through the pages of his notebook.

Meanwhile, Jude directs Sully to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.

JUDE

Thank you for working so hard. I’ll tell you, the Hegemony would be better off if it had nothing but men acting as mules.

SULLY

It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.

JUDE

Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.

SULLY

Hence the grandma routine, I take it.

JUDE

You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of rebels with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.

SULLY

What kind of grandmother are you?

JUDE

Your friendly neighborhood variety.

ISAIAH (O.S.)

You have one in its metamorphosis?

Jude and Sully look to Isaiah, who’s holding a glass container with a hand slot and what looks to be the head of an alien worm with fungal shoots spiring out of it.

Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.

ISAIAH

I always hypothesized this life cycle, but I never thought I’d see it!

SULLY

(to Jude)

Family recipe?

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Hasn’t your daddy taught you it’s impolite to go snooping through people’s things? You’re lucky you remind me of someone.

Jude takes the heavy tank from Isaiah…and carries it over to the counter. There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a lighter, before putting her hand through the slot…

And LIGHTING the fungal worm head ABLAZE.

ISAIAH

No! What’d ya do that for?

SULLY

Whatever it is she’s done, the worms are the least of her worries.

(to Jude)

Drop the act. You’re about as convincing as a stick painting itself orange and calling itself a carrot.

Jude takes a deep breath – Oh what the hell.

JUDE

If it makes you happy to know, I’m a Hegemony Intelligence Agent. A spy, if you will.

Sully grabs Isaiah and makes a break for his bat.

Jude pulls out her pistol and shoots at his feet with the attitude of swatting a fly, stopping Sully in his tracks.

JUDE

I’m sick of watching you cart that poor boy around like you have a say in what happens to him.

Sully puts the dots together.

SULLY

You don’t care that we know?

JUDE

At this point, my superiors care about you the same way a horse cares about where it shits.

(observing the burning remains of the queen head)

But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, these things are better left forgotten.

SULLY

Some of us have a conscience. I can’t just light a match, and poof – No more evidence.

Something about Sully’s accusation cuts deep. Jude dismantles her revolver…

JUDE

(placing each piece in the fire)

Yep. Just that easy.

SULLY

Great. That’s great. Real helpful for when we need to get out of here.

JUDE

Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of here alive.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Cover-ups

What I learned doing this assignment is…how to REALLY do a rewrite. I opted to apply this while reworking the entire Jude plot. I did something similar with the Markus and Apollo plot a couple of modules back. About half of the Jude plot was written when we first started writing scenes, and some of the dialogue either doesn’t work because certain plot points were altered, or they never worked to begin with. Below are just the changes/experimentations with one of the pages, along with the final decision. It’s a more action intensive scene, but the short bursts of dialogue could and should give a lot more character, background, and nuance to the relationship involved, rather than your run-of-the-mill action dialogue. The other thing that helps when you run through all of the different options is you come up with lines that may not work right now, but will have a major impact just a couple of lines later and bring much more meaning to the story than the action itself.

—————

Changes to the following line…

ISAIAH

(wiping the thinner out of his eyes)

STOP! Don’t hurt them!

– Silence: Person doesn’t answer when they should.

Isaiah lets the water run over his eyes, washing the tears away with the thinner.

– Action incongruent with words.

Isaiah hits himself.

ISAIAH

STOP! Stop hurting them!

Sully tries to hold Isaiah back from hitting himself.

– Change subject.

ISAIAH

Mom would’ve listened to me! Mom would’ve taken better care of me!

– Question them.

ISAIAH

Is this what mom would’ve done!?

ISAIAH

Why do you always push me down!? or push me away!? Why can’t you accept me for who I am!?

– Attack back.

ISAIAH

I want to be blind, so I never have to look at you again!

– Complement them.

ISAIAH

You’re so good at ruining everything!

– Threaten them

ISAIAH

I’m going to feed you to them!

– Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.

ISAIAH

I’m just a pest to you! Just like THEM!

– Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a

different direction.

ISAIAH

Look out! They’re right behind you!

ISAIAH

The lady can’t hold her own without you!

– Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.

Isaiah starts laughing.

– Distraction.

ISAIAH

Let me up! I can’t breathe!

– Make a joke of it.

ISAIAH

You’ll never take me alive!

ISAIAH

You missed a spot!

– Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.

ISAIAH

They don’t like bleach! Use the bleach!

Changes to the following line…

SULLY

What the f— What are you talking about!? They’re monsters!

– Silence: Person doesn’t answer when they should.

Sully keeps quiet, allowing the words to bite while focussing on washing the thinner from his son’s eyes.

– Action incongruent with words.

SULLY

(holding his son’s eyes under the running water)

Believe it or not, I’m trying to save you. The least you could do is make it easy!

– Change subject.

SULLY

You could’ve been obsessed with dinosaurs, historical figures. Something dead!

– Question them.

SULLY

Of all the things for a little boy to be obsessed with, why alien parasites responsible for KILLING YOUR OWN MOTHER!?

– Attack back.

SULLY

If I’d have just pulled you out from under that bed, and dragged you by the ankle to the bunker, then we wouldn’t be in this mess!

– Complement them.

SULLY

Great job with the thinner! Maybe a little heads up before you go running headlong to your own death?

– Threaten them

SULLY

If you don’t stop struggling, I’ll…I’ll…Screw it! Neither the thinner or the worms will save you from what I’ll do to you!

– Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.

SULLY

You’re right! I’m nothing like you mother! But I’m the best you’ve got! Now hold still!

– Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a

different direction.

SULLY

How long!? How long have you been “experimenting” with that THING!?

– Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.

SULLY

(to Jude)

Hey, lady! How about a trade?

– Distraction.

Sully takes the earmuffs crafted from his wife’s headband off of Isaiah’s head and holds onto it.

SULLY

How about I keep this for a while? Someone has to keep her memory alive.

– Make a joke of it.

SULLY

First overly complicated machines, now alien worms. What’s next? All left handed people in history?!

– Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.

SULLY

We have to get the thinner out of your eyes or you’ll go blind!

Changes to the following line…

ISAIAH

NO THEY’RE NOT!

– Silence: Person doesn’t answer when they should.

Isaiah lays limp.

Sully pulls him up, making sure he’s still breathing…

And finds his son exhausted and racked in tears, overwhelmed with emotion coming from so many different directions, it’s impossible to discern what exactly Isaiah’s crying over anymore.

– Action incongruent with words.

Isaiah laughter grows into a hysterical frenzy. He looks mad.

– Change subject.

ISAIAH

You always do this! You never care about the same things I care about!

– Question them.

ISAIAH

If I’m so terrible, why did you pick me and let mom die!?

– Attack back.

ISAIAH

I’m going to become one of them, so I can gobble you up!

– Complement them.

ISAIAH

I can’t wait to be a dad, just like you, so that I can push my son around and tell him what to like!

– Threaten them

ISAIAH

If you don’t let me go, I’m going to use that STUPID BAT on YOU!

– Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.

ISAIAH

If you would’ve left me behind, you would be so much happier and safe inside that STUPID BUNKER!

– Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a

different direction.

ISAIAH

Does this mean I’m grounded again? Or do I deserve the belt?

– Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.

ISAIAH

(singing)

I’m a little monster, short and—

– Distraction.

ISAIAH

That lady’s turning into one of them!

– Make a joke of it.

ISAIAH

Dad of the year goes to…!

– Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.

ISAIAH

If we don’t use the bleach now, it’ll be too late!

————————

FINAL OPTION

Sully picks up his screaming child and throws his bat at the worms…

While running back into the shop.

The worms are hesitant to pursue them over the puddle of thinner…

Giving Jude enough time to reload.

She FIRES again.

ISAIAH

(wiping the thinner out of his eyes)

You’ll never take me alive!

Meanwhile, Sully holds his son under the shop’s sink faucet, spraying water full blast into his son’s eyes to wash the thinner out.

SULLY

You could’ve been obsessed with dinosaurs or left handed historical figures. Something that can’t kill us. Something DEAD!

ISAIAH

Mom would’ve listened to me! I’m just a pest to you! Just like THEM!

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Dialogue Structures

What I learned doing this assignment is…How to give my dialogue a structure that can fit into any circumstance, regardless of the length of the exchange. I wasn’t sure at first how to write this filler or bridge. The thought of just cutting dialogue all together definitely entered my mind. But by being more aware in my use of “Metaphoric Dialogue,” and blending it with “Two different conversations at the same time” and “Circular Dialogue” I was able to reveal a little more character, give the scene more subtext and meaning, while also keeping it sounding natural. While it’s not a particularly long exchange like many of Sorkin’s examples, keeping the structure in mind allows me to still do a lot with it. I’m going to have to use this strategy, along with the rest of the Advanced Dialogue module, in rewriting many of the scenes I wrote in the earlier modules, particularly the scenes involving Jude.

——————

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

SULLY and ISAIAH run into their apartment.

Behind them, plodding footsteps of SOMETHING running.

Sully slams the door and locks the bolt shut.

BAM! The door is like a drum, and whatever is on the other side is like a metal drummer. BAM! BAM! BAM!

The door holds steady.

Sully keeps his arm between Isaiah and the banging door.

Behind them, a subtle sound chimes in – something clinking, cracking…

Sully turns his head toward the source of the sound, trying to pick it out from the intense banging echoing into the room.

It’s coming from Isaiah’s room.

ISAIAH

Dad, I’m really sorry.

SULLY

Just stay behind me.

ISAIAH

I just thought if I could get to know him better, then I’d be able to help.

SULLY

And just who have you been helping?

THE CRASH OF GLASS SHATTERING.

ISAIAH

He was lost, and, and…he’s not bad at all. Just misunderstood.

IT slithers out from Isaiah’s bed, a monster of a worm.

Isaiah sidesteps away, as the worm is drawn to the viscous banging at the front door.

ISAIAH

(whispering)

Just do what I do. The banging—

Before Isaiah can finish, the latch on the door audibly snaps.

SULLY

(Grabbing Isaiah)

Get behind me!

Sully football carrie’s his son into his room…

Kicking the door closed.

He plummets, son in arms, behind his bed.

The drumming of the door continues on Sully’s door.

Sully gets up to carry Isaiah to the adjacent restroom…

And sees Isaiah’s pet worm squeezing and slithering underneath the door.

Sully drops back down…

To his son with a finger over his mouth – Be quiet.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment is…When Hal said there was an average of two anticipatory lines of dialogue per page, that seemed like a good benchmark to strive for. I recognize this strategy and use it in a lot of my scenes (Setup/Payoff is the name of the game). So as to gain more from this lesson, I decided to take a look through my script and account for each use of it, with the logic that the more setups and payoffs I have, the more satisfying my script will be (I’ve included the first 5 pages for reference). I also went back to a previous scene and updates some of the dialogue to better reflect the character traits, as well as include more forms of Anticipatory Dialogue in the text.

————

Pg. 1

ISAIAH

(coughing up blood onto Sully’s sleeve)

You’re going to make it worse! Stop! Stop!

NOTE: Direct Prediction, Imply Hopelessness

Pg. 2

ISAIAH

Get away from me! Get aw-aghk-aghk—

NOTE: Warning

ISAIAH

You killed me! You killed me and I’m going to die!

NOTE: Direct Prediction, Imply Consequences

SULLY

(convincing himself more than his son)

You’re not going to die!

NOTE: Direct Prediction, Challenge Issued

SULLY

I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.

NOTE: Indirect Prediction, Shield from Consequences in Advance

SULLY

(to Isaiah)

Please, let me save you, now.

NOTE: Confront someone hiding from a future consequence

ISAIAH

My mouth is coming out! It hurts!

NOTE: Imply consequences, Imply hopelessness, Warnings, Indirect Prediction

Pg. 3

SULLY

You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.

NOTE: Imply consequences, Imply hopelessness

Pg. 4

SULLY

What’s here that’s more exciting than what you’ve got going on at school today?

NOTE: Confront someone hiding from a future consequence

SULLY

You locked your door?

NOTE: Confront someone hiding from a future consequence

SIDE NOTE: To save time, I’m not copying and pasting each line where Isaiah coughs because it’s all “Implying consequences.”

Pg. 5

SULLY

(plugging the key in the handle)

Isaiah, some day you’ll understand that fifty percent of a parent’s job is to assume what their teenage

NOTE: Direct Prediction

ISAIAH

I’m not a teenager.

NOTE: Shield from a future consequence

SULLY

Semantics. You’re old enough to act like one.

NOTE: Indirect consequence, Create reputation for the villain

SULLY

Okay, no more keeping the door to your room closed.

NOTE: Warning

——————

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

SULLY opens his eyes. In front of him, Jude lays still, a sheet covering her.

He rolls over to look away…

ISAIAH’s missing.

Sully’s eyes widen. Where is he?

He sits up.

SULLY

(whispering)

Isaiah?

No answer.

SULLY

Isaiah?

He gets up. No sign of him anywhere. Everything is as they left it before…

Sully looks back at the sheet covered corpse of Jude.

He tiptoes to what he assumes is her room. Funny. He hasn’t been anywhere else but the main area and the back room.

He flicks on a switch.

The lights come on for just a second, revealing a vacant rrom – no furniture – before the bulb EXPLODES, casting darkness over the room once more.

Sully takes a step into the room. Nothing can be seen as he inches deeper and deeper into the shadows.

CRASH OF GLASS SHATTERING BEHIND HIM…

It came from the kitchen.

Sully runs back out of the dark void.

Seeing Isaiah – thank goodness.

At Isaiah’s feet. The glass tank that was holding the budding fungal spears impaling the alien’s head has shattered.

ISAIAH

Daddy?

Isaiah coughs lightly at first, then begins to whoop and hack up blood!

ISAIAH

Daddy!? *COUGH! COUGH!*

Sully runs over to his son, who’s spasming on the ground.

SULLY

Isaiah, just hold still. It’s going to be alright.

ISAIAH

I was just cur-ur-ious!

SULLY

It’s okay. We have plenty of time. It’s going to be oka—

ISAIAH

I-I-m-m-m sor-r-r-y.

Sully looks everywhere, desperate for an answer. His son thrashes in his arms.

ISAIAH

You have to kill me!

SULLY

Stop it! I’ve already sworn, I’m not going to let you die too!

ISAIAH

Make it stop! Kill me, please! Let me die!

A torrent of blood spews from Isaiah’s throat. His mouth tears into a smile that stretches back to his jaw bones.

SULLY

Isaiah, please. Please!

Isaiah’s mouth fractures from his skull.

Sully looks his boy in the eye…

Before Isaiah pulls his dad’s throat to his mouth that catapults from his skull and takes a giant bite out of Sul—

Sully jolts up in a panic!

Everything is as it was before. He looks over at his son who’s sleeping soundly. A dream.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Contrast Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…You mean I can write boring exposition and make it interesting? Hmmmmm. Not only that, but the PULP FICTION example helped me think of a couple of examples where you can have the characters talking about something completely different than what the action says. I think back to the YouTube channel, “Every Frame A Painting” and the analysis Tony gives to Akira Kurosawa. He shows how the way Kurosawa shoots his movies makes it to where you can infer the story and everything that’s happening without knowing what the characters are saying. The characters’ dialogue is secondary to what’s happening on screen. This is exactly what the scene from PULP FICTION is like. You don’t have to know Jules and Vincent are talking about Big Macs and massaging feet to know they’re out on a routine hit. It’s also like watching Genndy Tartakovsky’s PRIMAL. There isn’t one like of dialogue throughout the whole first season until the final episode. Doesn’t matter. But when Spear does have his first and only line in the series thus far, it says everything you need to know. Another example of this technique can be found throughout the entirety of LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. What I did find extremely difficult about this assignment, however, is how to fit it in with the conventions of Horror. A common trend I found in analyzing the scenes from LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL and PULP FICTION are people successfully maintaining control of the given situation, which goes against one of the major components of horror where the characters are hardly ever shown to be in control of anything. I imagine this is due to the requirement of the character(s) being so in command or control of one thing, that they can turn their attention to something else, such as the example from NETWORK where the sex is such a given that the foreplay or romance isn’t needed; the characters can talk about work while tearing their clothes off. Or in Hal’s example where after the 100th changed diaper, it really is just routine, and you can turn your attention to the more important task of discussing where to go for dinner. It takes the “Pope in the Pool” concept from Blake Snyder’s SAVE THE CAT and makes it active, much to the delight of actors. It’s this idea of the characters being in control that had me hitting my head against the desk trying to figure out where the hell to use this technique in a Horror script. Luckily, my wife is an empathetic ear to my struggles with Writer’s Block, and talking it out with her led me to what should’ve been the obvious answer: The Bronchoscopy scene…

INT. PASSENGER SHIP – MEDICAL BAY

SULLY and ISAIAH rush through the bulletproof glass doors of the medical bay…

SHHHHHHHNK. The slide shut. Sully turns around…

FACE TO FACE with an exterminator on the other side of the glass plane…

And LOCKS the door.

The exterminator raises his axe blade and STRIKES the glass—

BWUM. The axe bounces off like it struck a bongo drum. Nothing’s getting in…for now.

Sully scatters Jude’s documents all over the floor for the incoming exterminators to see. Meanwhile, Isaiah’s coughing and stumbling his way over to a hospital bed.

Sully hurries – a mirror of the earlier scene – He’s in his element now, as his hands and movements around the medical bay come down to muscle memory.

He runs over to a stereo and hooks up Jude’s recordings to be played.

SULLY

Do you remember Bean?

Isaiah shakes his head, unable to get a word out without hacking up his lung.

More exterminators show up at the door of the medical bay and try breaking their way in.

SULLY

You were really young. Still, I thought you’d remember our cat, Bean.

Sully readies an IV to put into Isaiah’s arm.

ISAIAH

(accepting the IV)

Oh *cough* yeah *cough* I re-mem-mem-mem-ber *cough*

Sully fits a nasal tube to Isaiah’s nose.

SULLY

Yeah, let me tell you about him. So sweet, you’d never think of him as your typical house cat.

Sully pulls up the bronchoscope – all the necessary attachments, configurations set up. He tests the camera on the end of it. We’re ready for the procedure.

BWUM! BWUM! The exterminators keep trying to break the glass.

SULLY

Your mother wanted a cat real bad. I used to tell her if we ever got a cat, that it’d be the end of us. “It’s me or a cat.”

(readying the anesthetic)

Open wide for me.

Isaiah opens his mouth in a daze. The mix of oxygen and medication being siphoned into this nose leads him to a sleepy expression, though still very conscious.

Sully spays an anesthetic down Isaiah’s throat.

The poor kid coughs and contorts his mouth from the foul taste.

SULLY

(fitting Isaiah’s mouth with a bite block)

Yeah, I know it tastes like sour milk. Just lean your head back.

Isaiah complies.

CHNGK! A crack in the glass.

Sully hesitates for just a second at the thought of what he’s about to do. Then he takes the bronchoscope and slides it down his son’s throat.

SULLY

So anyway. Your mother one day insists on this damn cat. We fly to Ganymede where they actually have a cat shelter. I go kicking and screaming, asking why can’t we just order a synthetic, because at this rate it’s a small fortune for a dumb animal. But you remember mom. She’s always been too sentimental.

Meanwhile, the flatscreen shows the image captured by the camera attached to the end of the bronchoscope – a collection of eggs, dozens of them. The bronchoscope does it job in collecting them.

CHNGK! CRACK! At the glass door.

SULLY

I make my ultimatum known that the only way we’re bringing back a stupid cat is if one plops down in my lap. Low and behold, the first cat – the very first one – struts right up, sits in my lap and starts purring. I could’ve pet that cat for hours and he wouldn’t move.

Each egg that’s extracted is dropped in a large jar.

SULLY

So, needless to say, we took the cat straight home with us. I loved that cat. But then, you were born, and against all odds developed the worst allergy to cats. You couldn’t see straight from all the water in your eyes and the way you were sneezing.

The jar is filled halfway with eggs, covered in mucus and a little blood.

CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! Each successive hit against the glass forms a spiderweb of fractures.

SULLY

I argued and tried to come up with every reason I could to keep Bean. The thought of losing my buddy. But there was no getting around it with your mother. We gave Bean away to a family willing to cover the travel costs. I was devastated, but for your mother, having a cat to call her own meant so much more. It was something she’d dream about as a little girl. For some girls, it’s their wedding, or becoming royalty. For your mother, it was having a furry friend. And she gave up Bean for you.

Sully does one more check for the eggs. They’re all out of Isaiah’s lungs – and drying…

Sully draws the bronchoscope from his son’s mouth with the care of laying him down in a soft bed.

CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. The worms inside the eggs are CHEWING their way OUT!

Sully runs…

And grabs a bottle of AMMONIA!

And DROWNS the hatching worms in it. He lets the fluid overflow and poor out of the jar. Doesn’t matter. He’s not taking his eyes off of the demons that almost took his son from him – not until every one is dead.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s World View Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…Filling this out took a good minute, but it gives you a world of options to make your dialogue stand out. I went back and rewrote some of the dialogue between Markus and Apollo, and I was pleasantly surprised by how easily I could elevate the dialogue to something that had teeth. The relationship between the two was interesting already, but giving Markus this smug, argumentative nature really helped to contrast him with the street smart Apollo.

Character Name: Sully

World View: “Life is a battle, and I’m just a grunt.”

Life Metaphor: I’m a warrior.

Rules and Strategies:

-Don’t blindly follow rules

-Don’t let anyone or anything stand between you and your loved ones.

-The only person you can trust is yourself

Justifications:

-“Rules” are just another word for “obstacles.” If you follow them, then you’re not really trying.

-There’s no greater honor than fighting for your family

– Everyone’s trying their best, but some people’s best just sucks and gets in the way.

Character Name: Isaiah

World View: “Alien life is begging to be heard and understood.”

Life Metaphor: I’m an expert.

Rules and Strategies:

– If you don’t know the answer, ask.

– Adapt to and follow what’s natural to the aliens.

– Never stop learning.

Justifications:

– Willful ignorance is what makes neurotypicals less intelligent.

– Respect nature and nature will respect you.

– There’re perks to being the smartest in the room.

Character Name: Jude

World View: “Without a steady hand guiding it, a horse will never achieve its greatest potential.”

Life Metaphor: I’m the hired ranch hand.

Rules and Strategies:

– Always use a pleasant voice

– But don’t be afraid to use a big stick.

– Hegemony comes before the citizen

Justifications:

– Gentleness is akin to total control

– Animals aren’t computers

– The Hegemony’s the only source of power furthering mankind’s reach.

Character Name: Markus

World View: “Do no harm, and let no harm come unto others.”

Life Metaphor: I’m a man of GOD.

Rules and Strategies:

– Stay out of conflict

– Do what you’re told.

– Take care of those who can’t take care of themselves.

Justifications:

– Matthew 5:38-40

– Romans 13

– Galatians 6

Character Name: Apollo

World View: “Better to die fighting for yourself than be killed for fighting on behalf of someone else.”

Life Metaphor: I’m a revolutionary

Rules and Strategies:

– Always hit first.

– Waste no time in preparing.

– Don’t put all your eggs in the church basket.

Justifications:

– If you’re not the one hitting, you’re the one getting hit.

– The enemy, wherever he may be, is always trying to get the upper hand.

– “Seminary’s for bitches.” No amount of knowledge you develop about GOD or the Bible will save you from a good kick in the teeth from people GOD seems to have ordained to wrong you.

—————————

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – LOADING CORRIDOR

A back and forth line of bodies fills up the entirety of a hallway. Barely lit by fluorescent lighting, it’s a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare.

Above the ceiling and lights is a honeycomb metal grid, where armed guards survey the passengers, isolating different conversations.

APOLLO follows MARKUS who keeps up a constant prayer in line, while two lines on opposite sides of them walk the other way. Everyone, eventually, is walking toward the exit, illuminated at the end of the tight room.

APOLLO

You ever think about dyin’?

MARKUS

I’m a preacher.

APOLLO

Fair. So, why’d you dodge the draft?

MARKUS

“Thou shall not kill.”

Apollo

Ha! You’ll kill before the end of the day.

MARKUS

Yeah? It’ll be just that easy to abandon my oath?

Apollo

Fear’s a better motivator than your god. You’ll be killin’ aliens the minute you see they’re teeth. That or…

Markus lifts his head up from his praying hands.

MARKUS

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Trust me. I’m no killer.

APOLLO

You’re a die-er then.

MARKUS

(chuckles)

I’ll pray for you.

APOLLO

I’ll take it and your services, mate.

MARKUS

And what does the meek and humble Apollo want from me?

Behind them, a panel of the ceiling opens, allowing for the guards to pull up one of the PASSENGERS.

PASSENGER

Wait! I didn’t mean it! I didn’t—

The ceiling panel is replaced, and the line keeps moving forward like nothing happened.

Apollo sighs heavily, trying to gather his thoughts.

APOLLO

(still looking behind at the source of the passenger’s pleas)

Yeah, I’m gonna need you to use that education you got and read between some fuckin’ lines.

MARKUS

Send whatever you want to say to GOD. He’s watching us closer anyway.

APOLLO

That was your fuckin’ god they just took.

MARKUS

Stop it! There’s no way we’re getting out of this by being violent.

APOLLO

Markus, what do you think this line is for? Do you think for one second THEY are going to take care of you and your fuckin’ oath? Hell no! I’ve been on the receivin’ end of plenty of bastards, and let me educate you on somethin’ your unblemished arse couldn’t learn from seminary. If you ain’t the one hittin’, you’re the one gettin’ hit.

Markus slams his forehead into his prayer hands.

APOLLO

I’m no preacher man, but I know your god asked Gideon to spread the fuckin’ word. Judges 6, right? I know you’ll answer his fuckin’ call.

MARKUS

Wait, what?

APOLLO

This is why you got out of the draft, mate. GOD called you here. Now, are you goin’ to be fuckin’ pussyfooted like your precious Saint Peter, or are you a real man o’ GOD like David skullfuckin’ Goliath. Answer his fuckin’ call!

Apollo ducks under the iron bar separating the lines, trading places with one of the passengers.

Markus thinks about his place in all of this, haunted by Apollo’s knowledge of the text and interpretation of it.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Traits Live!

What I learned doing this assignment is…First, be willing to update what’s already been established if a better idea comes along. One of the things I’ve noticed during this course is that there are good days and bad days when writing, especially when we’re talking about one’s creative output. Some days, you have a breakthrough and feel like you’re Shakespeare. Other days, you wonder if you have a creative bone in your body. And then there’re all the days in between. I thought I had a good handle on these characters a couple months ago. But since then, we’ve written a number of scenes, where some days I had better ideas than the ones I had when coming up with the initial character traits. I’m glad to be running through this again, because it’s an opportunity to raise my character profiles up to the standard set by some of the scenes I’ve written, so that they can better inform how to further heighten the quality of those scenes even further. Second, is that in taking into consideration what was discussed in the previous module on subtext, this is such a brilliant way to construct dialogue. In my previous screenplay, the one issue I kept coming across was how similar each character sounded. But in looking for traits that help my character stand out, not just from the beginning but throughout the process, I wound up finding voices and subtext that make my characters feel so much more distinct and fun to read. Is it 100% realistic? Meh. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn’t. But what matters is that it isn’t boring or derivative, and you can’t just guess what the next person’s going to say. Have a lot more faith in my dialogue now than when I started.

NOTE: I changed/updated some of the character traits to give either a more poetic or bombastic spin. Based on some of the scenes I’d written, it made sense to elevate some previously established traits, like changing Isaiah’s from “Gentle” and “Covering Up” to “Fact Checker” and “Super Intelligent,” or changing Sully’s “Disguising” to “Haunted.”

Sully: Doctor and Reluctant Father

Inventive

Loving

Controlling

Haunted

Isaiah: Aspie obsessed with Aliens

Obsessive/Possessed

Focussed

Fact Checker – Can’t lie, himself, and can’t allow subtext in conversation.

Super Intelligent

Jude: Hegemony Spy

Undercover

Blue Collar

Deadly

Motherly

Scene Chosen:

I need a bridge from when Sully and Isaiah first meet Jude, to where they’re making a final stand against an onslaught of aliens. So, this is that scene, just following up from when Jude saved Sully and Isaiah from Isaiah’s pet alien to…

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

…

SULLY

How…Wha…Who are you?

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.

Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a laser pistol. Very illegal.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

How about you try a different figure of speech. Just, considering the context.

JUDE

And what is that context, deer-heart?

ISAIAH

My experiment—

SULLY

You’re what?—

ISAIAH

Tried to eat us.

SULLY

We still need to discuss your choices, son.

JUDE

Would you like to waste time here, or come home with me?

SULLY

Are you going to feed us milk and cookies?

ISAIAH

I don’t think that’s what she’s asking.

Sully shoots Isaiah a look – No shit, Sherlock.

JUDE

You can try your luck in the wilderness, or you take roost in the stable, deer heart.

SULLY

What even are you?

JUDE

Sweet thing. You want the truth? I’m who’s going to keep your son alive just a little longer.

SULLY

And why should we trust you?

JUDE

Well, I see your little one is missing someone—

SULLY

Don’t.

JUDE

And that tells me you don’t have the best track record with protecting your herd.

Sully shoots fire from his eyes.

SULLY

I will die to protect him.

JUDE

Yes, you will.

Isaiah looks at his dad’s shaking hands.

JUDE

(turning around)

Now, come along. We’ve wasted enough time bickering.

Sully follows, holding Isaiah’s hand.

SULLY

Come on. Keep holding my hand.

ISAIAH

Hey, Dad?

No response.

ISAIAH

I don’t blame you.

SULLY

Not right now, son.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Jude tiptoes past the bloody hallway like a cat across a wet floor. Sully and Isaiah cover their noses close behind her, shuffling against a wall so as not to step over the dead body laying across from wall to wall.

ISAIAH

A lot of people missed out on the bunker.

SULLY

How much further?

Isaiah

Is this normal?

SULLY

You don’t want to know.

Behind them…

A worm slithers out of a grate…

And into the mouth of the body on the ground.

The trio hear the corpse begin to spasm…

And turn around to see the mouth start to break from the face and skull.

JUDE

(taking aim at the corpse)

It’s okay, deer heart.

More worms start to slither and leak out of the vents.

Jude puts her gun down.

JUDE

(turning around to run)

But as one shepherd said to the other, lets get the flock out of here.

Sully and Isaiah pick up the pace and run behind Jude, who’s a lot more spry than they gave her credit for.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Great Dialogue Scene(s) from MONEYBALL, A FEW GOOD MEN, and ALIENS

What I learned doing this assignment is…This is the area I know I’ve struggled the most with, so I decided to go crazy and analyze my favorite scenes from three of my favorite movies. I also took the advice of the email and just listened to these scenes instead of watching them. The ping-pong match of words back and forth is more noticeable when you’re not watching, as well as the the constant conflict. For some reason, I never considered the amount of arguments occurring in film. Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware of how they work in dramatic scenes, but it just never occurred to me that that type of conversation (argument) is the primary form of conversation most of these characters use. It’s like debate or sarcasm is their primary language, with English (or other preferred language) being their second. Hell, even Sam’s comforting of Kaffee in A FEW GOOD MEN is an argument against Kaffee’s perception of himself in his father’s image. In addition, looking back at Jules and Vincent’s scene from PULP FICTION, it’s all exposition. The scene’s goals are to get us from point A to B, and in that time explain that Vincent’s been away for a bit, and when he came back he’s been assigned to take out their dangerous boss’ wife, establish how dangerous their boss is, and show that the two are good friends. There’s a really bad version of this scene where Vincent just tells Jules all of this, and Jules responds “Wow!” Instead, the whole scene is structured as a friendly argument between two friends. With that in mind, that’s become my new goal for each scene: “How can I structure this as an argument between two or more people? How can EVERY line be an argument for or against what another person has said?”

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NOTE: Half of the dialogue from the original written scene wasn’t included in the final cut of the movie. Regardless, for context this takes place shortly after Billy has hired Peter to help him value players based on sabermetrics (using math and economics to determine player value instead of player looks or athleticism), and he’s about to pitch the new direction his ball club is taking to his scouters.

MONEYBALL

INT. SCOUTING ROOM – DAY

-and ignoring Peter – who has tried to inconspicuously plant himself in a corner – pulls up a chair to receive his scouts’ report – which Grady, as always, will lead. Art wanders off.

GRADY

How did it go in Cleveland?

BILLY

It was cold.

NOTE: This isn’t included in the final cut, but it’s worth noting Billy’s mindset is broadcast with these three words. “It was cold” not only refers to the temperature, but the deal as well. Billy came back empty handed, which sets the stage for Grady and company to feel justified in talking back to a manager who couldn’t get the players they scouted. “It was cold” also says to the room that Billy doesn’t want to talk about specifics. Unbeknownst to them, he’s already moved on in a different direction and has an agenda he’s ready to see through.

The news bothers no one.

GRADY

Let’s get after our relief pitching problem.

BILLY

We got Chad Bradford. Right-hander.

Few, if any of them, have heard of Bradford and begin leafing through their printouts and notes.

GRADY

Submariner?

BILLY

That’s the one. Technically an underhander.

GRADY

What’s his velocity?

BILLY

Unimpressive.

NOTE: Another point for Billy’s character showing through with the dialogue. He’s not going to BS anyone. He’s not a snake oil salesmen. His focus is solely on winning. Period. Everything else, including the little things like “velocity” or “breaking ball” mean all but a cup of spit to him, and he’s going to get that point across to these scouters that are still trying to find “good looking” players (as Billy referenced in an earlier scene, they’re not selling jeans).

ARTIE

About 85.

GRADY

Does he have a good breaking ball?

BILLY

Doesn’t have one.

GRADY

Why do you like this guy?

BILLY

Well, he gets people out.

ARTIE

The left-hander hitters get a really good look at him.

GRADY

He’s down there. He’s down there real low, too.

BILLY

Let’s move on.

NOTE: Sorkin’s dialogue moves like a jazz drummer. Everyone is arguing their point, even if they’re arguing to agree, they’re still arguing, but it’s short and fast paced, with it all coming to an end as Billy (the jazz conductor in this analogy) silences them with “Let’s move on.” Again, three words that mean a whole hell of a lot, including “You (the scouters) don’t get a say on this.”

The scouts aren’t sure what to say, and so say nothing. Eventually –

GRADY

Well, we, I think, have fared better. We have some ideas for what to do about Giambi.

BILLY

Knock me down.

NOTE: “Entertain me” is what he’s basically saying. But again, Sorkin uses this motif of three words, all one syllable. Why? Because it sounds better, clearer, and rolls off the tongue faster. It’s a drum beat to keep the other musicians on track.

GRADY

We trade power for speed. A rabbit for a gorilla – We go for an overachiever. A big heart in the last year his contract. Tend to play hard. We usually get a pretty good year out of them. Make up for some of the offense we lost.

(puts more names up)

Or the other option. Just a thought. We go for a high-maintenance guy. A guy that’s a little difficult but talented. A guy like Milton Bradley. Well, not like Milton. Milton himself. Which do you want to talk about first?

NOTE: It’s all BS. Billy knows it, and now the audience knows that Grady (not Billy) is the snake oil salesman in this scene. Where Billy gives a straight, clear answer, Grady BY FAR uses the most words in this one scene, and it’s intentional. It subtly shows us how he prioritizes his pride, where Billy prioritizes winning.

BILLY

None of them.

Grady looks like a man who can’t take much more.

BILLY

You’re still looking to replace him; you’re just saying it another way.

BARRY

We got some trades here.

BILLY

We can’t do it. What we can do is recreate his value to us in the aggregate.

GRADY

The what –

BILLY

Giambi’s on-base percentage was .477. Damon’s was .324. And Olmeda’s – bless his heart – was .291. Add that up and you get –

He points to Peter.

PETER

You want me to speak?

BILLY

When I point at you, yes.

PETER

Ten-ninety-two.

BILLY

Divided by three –

PETER

Three-sixty-four.

BILLY

That’s what we’re looking for. And that’s what we’ll find. Three players whose average OBP is –

PETER

Three-sixty-four.

NOTE: Between Billy and Peter, they use fewer words than Grady does to communicate their goal. It’s crystal clear, no fluffed up words, and there’s a fun way that it starts when Billy invites an introvert who was comfortable hiding in the room to join the conversation. It’s a little bit of conflict between two characters who’re aligned, but it’s effective.

ARTIE

That doesn’t come out right.

BILLY

You gotta carry the one.

ARTIE

Still don’t look right.

BILLY

It’s right.

NOTE: Two things. 1. Math isn’t their strong suit, and this showcases how foreign this new direction is to these scouts. 2. It’s an argument. Starting to see that Arguing is as important to dialogue as Irony is to story structure.

The others aren’t sure what confuses them more – the logic, or the guy who shouldn’t be in this room.

GRADY

Billy?

BILLY

Yes.

GRADY

Who’s that?

BILLY

That’s Peter.

And that’s all he’s going to tell them about Peter.

GRADY

I don’t know how to say this delicately – but does – Peter – need to be here?

BILLY

Yes.

POLONI

What’s with this on obsession? Is that base percentage

Bill James bullshit?

NOTE: Ah, they’re aware of where this is coming from, and they announce their opinion on it with crystal clarity for everyone.

BILLY

You can call it Billy Beane bullshit for all I care.

NOTE: Again, Billy doesn’t give one iota about his pride. He wants to win, and he doesn’t care what people think of him in the process.

Billy takes a Marks-A-Lot, jots down three names on strips, and approaches the board.

BILLY

So here’s who we want. One.

He puts the first strip up. It reads: JEREMY GIAMBI.

BILLY

Jason’s little brother Jeremy.

BARRY

He never comes home from the games.

POLONI

Billy, if I may, he’s had his problems on the field — not to mention his problems off the field — not to mention he’s getting a little thick around the middle — there’s the stuff with the weed. He’s at strip joints…

GRADY

This guy could start the year with an agent and end up with a parole officer for Christ’s sake.

BILLY

His on-base percentage is all we’re looking at now and he gets on base an awful lot for someone who only costs $285,000 a year.

GEORGE

He can’t catch a ball in the outfield. I’ve seen him lose a ball in the moonlight.

Billy puts up another name: DAVID JUSTICE.

BILLY

David Justice.

GRADY

Ten years ago he was a big name. He’s going to really help our season tickets at the beginning of the year. But by June he’s not going to be hitting his weight.

PITTARO

He’s 36!

ARTIE

His legs are gone. He’s a defensive liability. I question whether the bat speed is still there.

BARRY

Steinbrenner is so pissed at his decline he’s willing to eat up half his contract to get rid of him.

BILLY

That’s good.

NOTE: This whole exchange is great. Everyone is focused on surface level factors, what anyone would think would be important. Billy’s mind is on two things: can they get on base (winning) and are they cheap. Everything else is noise.

HOPKINS

He’s a fossil. With all due respect, bringing these three guys aboard is like putting bubble gum on a flat tire.

GRADY

And why do we want to be ones to bail Justice out of his contract?

Billy points at PETER —

PETER

He gets on base.

GRADY

I got 37 free agents who are better than those guys.

NOTE: Grady’s bringing credentials, his pride into the equation.

BILLY

Scott Hatteberg.

POTE

Who?

BILLY

Exactly. Sounds like an Oakland A already. Yes, he’s got a little damage in his elbow.

NOTE: 1. Billy’s self aware. He knows he’s managing the bottom of the barrel, and he’s clearly accepted it at this point, going so far as to joke about it. 2. This isn’t Billy selling. He’s trying to cut the conversation short with the subtext reading “I don’t care that he’s got damage in his elbow.”

GRADY

Some damage? He can’t throw.

BILLY

We’re not interested in him for his arm anymore than we wanted Giambi for his.

GRADY

Wait, you’re talkin’ about Hatteberg at first?

BILLY

Yes.

HOPKINS

He’s a career .260 hitter and the good part of his career is over.

BILLY

I say it’s just starting.

PITTARO

Well, Billy, you’ll like the sound of this… I hear Boston wants to cut him and no one wants to pick him up.

NOTE: Pittaro thinks he’s making a valid point in saying no one wants him, so therefore we shouldn’t be so stupid as to want him either.

BILLY

That’s good news for us. He’s cheap.

NOTE: Billy is a fixed point. What’s his on base percentage, and how much does he cost? That’s what he can afford, that’s the kind of ball they’re going to start playing.

GRADY

Let me understand this. At first base you want a guy who’s been cut from half of the minor league teams in the country due to irreparable nerve damage?

BILLY

He can’t hit and he can’t field, but what can he do?

(beat)

Look at the piece of paper or I’m going to point at Peter.

The SCOUTS consult their spreadsheets and then answer half-heartedly–

SCOUTS

(half-heartedly)

He can get–

BILLY

He can get on base.

NOTE: Doesn’t let them finish. It’s not needed, but it adds just a little more argument into the scene, just a bit more spice.

POLONI

Alright, so he walks a lot.

NOTE: Subtext being “Hatteberg won’t be pretty to look at.”

BILLY

He gets on base a lot, Rocco. Do I care if it’s a walk or a hit?

PETER

You do not.

NOTE: Subtext being “Winning is more important than looks.” As a sports fan, this is accurate. The only people who talk about how your team looks in a negative context when it’s winning are your rivals.

POLONI

These three players, by your own admission, are defective in one way or another.

BILLY

Yeah.

GRADY

You want to replace Jason Giambi with not one but three defective players?

BILLY

You got it.

GRADY

Billy, we’ve all been busting our asses the last six and a half weeks to make this a better ball–

BILLY

(cutting him off)

Grady, it’s not a discussion.

POTE

I think we’re all losing sight of the fact that you’re the general manager. You only have to answer to ownership and God.

BILLY

I didn’t know God followed baseball.

POTE

I hope he does.

Some of the scouts look over in Peter’s direction, no doubt wondering if he’s had something to do with their general manager’s ideas.

WASHINGTON

Billy, I just don’t see it.

BILLY

That’s okay, Wash. We won’t be victimized by what we see anymore.

WASHINGTON

I understand what you’re saying about their averages, but there’s something you’re forgetting. None of them plays first base.

BILLY

I haven’t forgotten that, Wash. One of them is going to have to learn.

WASHINGTON

Learn.

BILLY

You’re going to have to teach him.

WASHINGTON

Teach.

BILLY

Instruct.

WASHINGTON

Which one?

NOTE: For the sake of not repeating myself over and over, I’ll keep this note focused on the way this scene ends. It answers the question we started with with a new question. It keeps us engaged in the story. Washington’s whole purpose here was saved to introduce a new problem that can’t be fixed with sabermetrics.

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ALIENS

INT. APC

ON VASQUEZ wired and intense.

VASQUEZ

All right, we can’t blow the fuck

out of them…why not roll some

canisters of CN-20 down there.

Nerve gas the whole nest?

HUDSON

Look, man, let’s just bug out and

call it even, okay?

NOTE: Damn, I love Hudson. He’s so honest, and his character is perfectly built to contradict Vasquez, whom we clearly see is ready for revenge.

RIPLEY

(to Vasquez)

No good. How do we know it’ll

effect their biochemistry? I say

we take off and nuke the entire

site from orbit. It’s the only

way to be sure.

NOTE: Aside from being such a quotable line, Ripley’s solution one-ups Vasquez’s and anyone else there. She’s not thinking revenge. She’s thinking extermination.

BURKE

Now hold on a second. I’m not

authorizing that action.

RIPLEY

Why not?

Burke senses the challenge in her tone and backpedals flawlessly into conciliatory mode.

BURKE

Well, I mean…I know this is an

emotional moment, but let’s not

make snap judgments. Let’s move

cautiously. First, this physical

installation had a substantial

dollar value attached to it —

RIPLEY

They can bill me. I got a tab

running. What’s second?

BURKE

This is clearly an important

species we’re dealing with here.

We can’t just arbitrarily

exterminate them —

RIPLEY

Bullshit!

VASQUEZ

Yeah, bullshit. Watch us.

NOTE: More arguing. Clear sides. Burke is looking at the money, while Ripley is convicted in the bigger picture, just as she was in the last movie.

HUDSON

Maybe you haven’t been keeping up

on current events, but we just got

out asses kicked, pal!

NOTE: Hudson. Love him for keeping it real.

Ripley faces Burke squarely and she’s not pleased.

RIPLEY

Look, Burke. We had an agreement.

Burke moves in, lowering his voice. He takes her aside from the others.

BURKE

I know, I know, but we’re dealing

with changing scenarios here. This

thing is major, Ripley. I mean

really major. You gotta go with

its energy. Since you are the

representative of the company who

discovered this species your

percentage will naturally be

some serious, serious money.

NOTE: It’s same thing as the scene from MONEYBALL. Burke is a snake oil salesmen, but nothing he’s saying ultimately has any substance behind it. Ripley’s solution is clear, concise and the consequences are easy to understand. Meanwhile Burke has no solution. There’re only empty promises.

Ripley stares at his like he’s a particularly disagreeable fungus.

RIPLEY

You son of a bitch.

BURKE

(hardening)

Don’t make me pull rank, Ripley.

RIPLEY

What rank? I believe Corporal Hicks

has authority here.

BURKE

Corporal Hicks!?

RIPLEY

This operation is under military

jurisdiction and Hicks is next in

chain of command. Right?

HICKS

Looks that way.

Burke starts to lose it and it’s not a pretty sight.

BURKE

Look, this is a multimillion

dollar operation. He can’t make

that kind of decision. He’s just

a grunt!

(glances at Hicks)

No offense.

HICKS

(coolly)

None taken.

(into mike)

Ferro, you copying?

FERRO

(voice over; static)

Standing by.

HICKS

Prep for dust-off. We’re gonna

need an immediate evac.

(to Burke)

I think we’ll take off and nuke

the site from orbit. It’s the

only way to be sure.

NOTE: Hicks ain’t exactly thrilled to be in command, but he likes Ripley’s option for all the reasons previously discussed, and he’s going to see it through.

He winks. Burke looks like a kid whose toy has been snatched.

BURKE

This is absurd! You don’t have

the authority to —

CLACK! The sound of a rifle bolt snapping home truncates his rant. Vasquez has a pulse-rifle cradled, not exactly aimed at Burke but not exactly aimed away either. Her expression is masklike. End of discussion.

Ripley sits behind Newt, putting her arm around her.

RIPLEY

We’re going home, honey.

NOTE: The shift in tone with Ripley. I love this line too because it’s a promise that sets up the following scene so well.

EXT. DROP-SHIP

The ship rises through the spray thrown up by the downblast of the VTOL jets, hovering above the complex like a huge insect, its searchlights blazing.

EXT. APC

The group is filing out of the personnel carrier, which is clearly a write off. Hicks and Hudson have Gorman between them, and the others emerge into the wind. They watch the ship roar in on its final approach.

INT. DROP-SHOP COCKPIT

Ferro flicks the intercom switch several times. Thumps her headset mike.

FERRO

Spunkmeyer? Goddammit.

The compartment door behind her slides slowly back.

FERRO

(turning)

Where the fu —

Her eyes widen. It’s not Spunkmeyer.

Am impression of leering jaws which blur forward, then a whirl of motion and a truncated scream. The throttle levers are slammed forward in the melee.

EXT. APC – LANDSCAPE – STATION

They watch in dismay as the approaching ship dips and VEERS WILDLY. Its main engines ROAR FULL ON and the craft accelerates toward them even as it loses altitude. It skims the ground. Clips a rock formation. The ship slews, sideslipping. It hits a ridge. Tumbles, bursting into flame, breaking up. It arcs into the air, end over end, a Catherine wheel juggernaut.

RIPLEY

Run!

She grabs Newt and sprints for cover as a tumbling section of the ship’s massive engine module slams into the APC and it explodes into twisted wreckage.

The drop-ship skips again, like a stone, engulfed in flames…AND CRASHES INTO THE STATION. A TREMENDOUS FIREREBALL.

The remainder of the ground team watches their hopes of getting off the planet, and most of their superior fire power, reduced to flaming debris.

There is a moment of stunned silence, then…

HUDSON

(hysterical)

Well that’s great! That’s just

fucking great, man. Now what the

fuck are we supposed to do, man?

We’re in some real pretty shit now!

HICKS

Are you finished?

(to Ripley)

You okay?

NOTE: Hicks is an experienced combat soldier, and it shows in the way he demands from Hudson but checks in on Ripley, a civilian.

She nods. She can’t disguise her stricken expression when she looks at Newt, but the little girl seems relatively calm. She shrugs with fatalistic acceptance.

NEWT

I guess we’re not leaving, right?

RIPLEY

I’m sorry, Newt.

NEWT

You don’t have to be sorry. It

wasn’t your fault.

NOTE: Though Newt is being nice, she’s still arguing with Ripley.

HUDSON

(kicking rocks)

Just tell me what the fuck we’re

supposed to do now. What’re we

gonna do now?

BURKE

(annoyed)

May be could build a fire and

sing songs.

NEWT

We should get back, ’cause it’ll

be dark soon. They come mostly

at night. Mostly.

Ripley follows Newt’s look to the AP station looming in the twilight, the burning drop-ship wreckage jammed into its basal structure.

NOTE: Line sets up the next scene as well. This film not only has perfect scene structure, it uses its dialogue to perfectly set up the next scene and lead to another payoff for the specific line of dialogue.

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A FEW GOOD MEN

INT. KAFFEE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

JO and SAM are sitting in silence. It’s dark outside.

JO

Where do you think he is?

SAM doesn’t know. JO is beside herself, and trying to keep

it together.

JO

(continuing)

As far as Downey was concerned, it

was an order from Kendrick. It

didn’t matter that he didn’t hear

it first hand. He doesn’t

distinguish between the two.

SAM understands, but he doesn’t say anything. The door opens

and KAFFEE walks in.

JO

(continuing)

Danny. I’m sorry.

KAFFEE seems to be in an incredibly normal mood.

KAFFEE

Don’t worry about it.

JO

Sam and I were just talking about

how all we really have to do is

call some witnesses who’ll talk

about implied orders… or maybe we

put Downey back on the stand before

we get to Dawson.

KAFFEE

Maybe if we work at it we can get

Dawson charged with the Kennedy

assassination.

NOTE: Kaffee’s emotion in this scene screams defeat and licking his wounds through sarcasm, while Jo is focused on succeeding against all odds or reason. It’s perfect conflict for the two characters to argue about.

JO studies KAFFEE for a moment.

JO

Are you drunk?

KAFFEE

(a simple answer)

Pretty much. Yeah.

JO (pause)

I’ll make a pot of coffee. We have

a long night’s work ahead.

NOTE: These couple of lines appear non confrontational, but underneath, the motives and emotions, as described before, come out through the way each interprets Kaffeee being drunk.

KAFFEE

She’s gonna make coffee. That’s

nice.

(beat)

He wasn’t in his room.

(Kaffee’s amazed)

He wasn’t even there.

(beat)

That was an important piece of

information, don’t you think?

NOTE: Kaffee let’s Jo have it after she offers to make coffee.

JO (pause)

Danny, it was just a setback. I’m

sorry. But we’ll fix it and then

move on to Markinson.

KAFFEE

Markinson’s dead.

NOTE: “Get with the program” meets “The program killed itself.”

JO and SAM are frozen.

KAFFEE says this with no particular feeling one way or the

other.

KAFFEE

(continuing)

You really gotta hand it to those

Federal Marshals, boy.

(he almost has to laugh)

It’s not like he hanged himself by

his shoelaces or slashed his wrists

with a concealed butter knife. This

guy got, into full dress uniform,

stood in the middle of that room,

drew a nickle plated pistol from

his holster, and fired a bullet

into his mouth.

NOTE: This isn’t just exposition. Since Kaffee doesn’t have anyone willing to argue whether Markinson’s death has an impact on the trial, Kaffee argues with the “Federal Marshals” and blames them for Markinson’s death.

Jo and SAM don’t say anything.

KAFFEE

(continuing)

Anyway, since we seem to be out of

witnesses, I thought I’d drink a

little.

NOTE: Like the trial lawyer he is, this line carries the subtext “I rest my case.” He’s perfectly entitled to get drunk.

JO

I still think we can win.

KAFFEE

Then maybe you should drink a

little.

JO

Look, we’ll go to Randolph in the

morning and make a motion for a

continuance. 24 hours.

KAFFEE

(beat)

Why would we want to do that?

JO

To subpoena Colonel Jessep.

KAFFEE

What?

JO

Listen for a second —

KAFFEE

No.

JO

Just hear me out —

KAFFEE

No. I won’t listen to you and I

won’t hear you out. Your passion is

comforting, Jo. It’s also useless.

Private Downey needed a trial

lawyer today.

JO

(pause)

You chicken-shit. You’re gonna use

what happened today as an excuse to

give up.

KAFFEE

It’s over!

JO

Why did you ask Jessep for the

transfer order?

NOTE: This fits Jo’s character. Jo is borderline incompetent as a trial lawyer, but as an investigator, she’s brilliant. She’s an internal affairs guru, takes note of everything, and is going to convince Kaffee to see this through.

KAFFEE

What are you —

JO

In Cuba. Why did you ask Jessep for

the transfer order?

KAFFEE

What does it matter —

JO

Why?!

KAFFEE

I wanted the damn transfer order!

JO

Bullshit! You could’ve gotten it by

picking up the phone and calling

any one of a dozen departments at

the Pentagon. You didn’t want the

transfer order. You wanted to see

Jessep’s reaction when you asked

for the transfer order. You had an

instinct. And it was confirmed by

Markinson. Now damnit, let’s put

Jessep on the stand and end this

thing!

NOTE: This is exposition, but the way it’s delivered isn’t through Kaffee explaining his position to the other characters (and by extension the audience). It’s given through Jo trying her best to convince Kaffee of why HE asked for the transfer order. There are actual stakes that come from this monologue because it rests on whether Jo can or can’t convince Kaffee.

KAFFEE

What possible good could come from

putting Jessep on the stand?

JO

He told Kendrick to order the Code

Red.

KAFFEE

He did?! Why didn’t you say so!?

That’s qreat! And of course you

have proof of that.

JO

I —

KAFFEE

Ah, I keep forgetting: You were

sick the day they taught law at law

school.

JO

You put him on the stand and you

get it from him!

NOTE: Jo is all heart and no skill, while Kaffee is all skill and no heart. Every line here establishes this, keeping the conflict going, while explaining exactly what the objectives are going to be from here on out. It’s an amazing way to hide exposition.

KAFFEE

Yes. No problem. We get it from

him.

(to SAM)

Colonel, isn’t it true that you

ordered the Code Red on Santiago?

SAM

Look, we’re all a little —

KAFFEE

I’m sorry, your time’s run out.

What do we have for the losers,

Judge? Well, for our defendants

it’s a lifetime at exotic Fort

Levenworth.

And for defense counsel Kaffee?

That’s right — it’s — a court —

martial. Yes, Johnny, after falsely

accusing a marine officer of

conspiracy, Lt. Kaffee will have a

long and prosperous career teaching

typewriter maintenance at the Rocco

Columbo School for Women. Thank you

for playing “Should We or Should-We-

Not Follow the Advice of the

Galacticly Stupid”.

NOTE: Not only does the script now reward us from the previous points of exposition with this role play, but the role play itself gives us the stakes and a scenario we can play out should Kaffee fail. Without this, the actual questioning of Jessep would lose about half of its emotional weight.

And with one motion, he knocks everything from his desk. A

ton of papers, books, files, etc., falls to the floor.

There’s dead silence. Maybe just the sound of KAFFEE

breathing after this exhausting outburst.

Finally…

JO

I’m sorry I lost you your set of

steak knives.

NOTE: Jo doesn’t just leave. She has the last word. And she hits it home that what they’re talking about are two different goals. Jo wants to rescue two marines from prison. Kaffee wants to avoid losing a court battle.

Jo picks up her purse and coat and walks out. The door slams

behind her.

KAFFEE walks into the kitchen without a word.

SAM gets down on the floor and begins picking up all the

stuff that Kaffee knocked off the desk.

KAFFEE comes back in with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

KAFFEE

Stop cleaning up.

NOTE: Arguing. Never stop the arguing/conflict, no matter how small.

But Sam continues.

KAFFEE

(continuing)

Sam. Stop cleaning up.

SAM stops and sits in a chair. KAFFEE sits on the couch.

KAFFEE

(continuing)

You want a drink?

SAM

Yeah.

SAM takes a swig from the bottle.

KAFFEE

Is your father proud of you?

NOTE: Kaffee starts a new argument: “I bet your father is proud of you. I bet my father is rolling in his grave.”

SAM

Don’t do this to yourself.

KAFFEE

I’ll bet he is. I’ll bet he bores

the shit outta the neighbors and

the relatives. “Sam, made Law

Review. He’s got a big case he’s

making — He’s arguing making an

argument.”

(pause)

I think my father would’ve enjoyed

seeing me graduate from law school.

(beat)

I think he would’ve liked that…

an awful lot.

SAM

Did I ever tell you that I wrote a

paper on your father in college?

KAFFEE

Yeah?

SAM

He was one of the best trial

lawyers ever.

KAFFEE

Yes he was.

NOTE: It seems like agreement, but the conversation isn’t about how great Lionel Kaffee is. The conversation is about whether Lt. Kaffee measures up to his father. Kaffee is arguing that he doesn’t measure up. This isn’t Kaffee agreeing with Sam. This is Kaffee declaring victory in his argument.

SAM

And if I were Dawson and Downey and

I had a choice between you or your

father to represent me in this

case, I’d take you any day of the

week and twice on Sunday. You

should have seen yourself thunder

away at Kendrick.

NOTE: Sam is arguing, not agreeing. Arguing in the right context can also be motivating, not just aggressive.

KAFFEE

Would you put Jessep on the stand?

SAM

No.

KAFFEE

You think my father would’ve?

SAM

With the evidence we’ve got? Not in

a million years. But here’s the

thing — and there’s really no way

of getting around this — neither

Lionel Kaffee nor Sam Weinberg are

lead counsel for the defense in the

matter of U.S. versus Dawson and

Downey. So there’s only one

question. What would you do?

NOTE: Sam won the argument, and with that and the question lingering there at the end of the scene, we have the perfect setup for what happens next.

We HOLD on the two of them for a moment, then

EXT. A SUBURBAN STREET – NIGHT

CUT TO:

JO is walking through the night at a brisk pace. She’s doing

her best not to fall apart.

TWO HEADLIGHTS appear coming down the street, and KAFFEE’s CAR, with SAM driving and KAFFEE riding shotgun, slows down alongside JO. KAFFEE rolls down his window.

KAFFEE

Joanne.

JO ignores them and keeps walking. The car crawls along with

her.

JO starts walking faster.

KAFFEE

(continuing)

Jo, we look ridiculous.

(to SAM)

Stop the car.

KAFFEE hops out and calls —

KAFFEE

(continuing)

Joanne.

JO keeps walking.

KAFFEE

(continuing)

I apologize. I was angry and… I’m

sorry about what I said.

NOTE: Jo doesn’t want an apology, she wants something more. The scene still has conflict and a visible goal: Get Jo back in his corner. Will he win or fail?

But JO’S still walking.

KAFFEE

(continuing; calling)

I’m gonna put Jessep on the stand.

NOTE: Boom!

She stops. She turns around.

NOTE: Kaffee wins here. The plot shifts. We get a payoff to the setup from the previous scene. The stakes are set at an all time high in this story, all from this one line.

SIDE NOTE: This is my favorite scene in any film, and it’s the bar I set for myself with every scene I write. Whether that’s good or bad, I don’t have enough experience to know yet. I do know that the setups and payoffs in this film, notably this one, are what make this movie my personal favorite.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Final Scene!

Sully: “Sully is a reaffirmed father who tries to sell out The Hegemony to save his son.”

Isaiah: Kind of out for the count in this scene. He did just undergo surgery.

Markus: “Markus is a Holy Man who wants to redeem his soul through vengeance against The Hegemony who took it.”

Officer: “Officer is a Hegemony loyalist who covers his damaged faith by double downing on his loyalty.”

NOTE: This is leading up to the final scene/image of the movie. For context, Markus was forced earlier in the script to commit murder, something he swore an oath to never do. In addition, Sully has just performed a bronchoscopy on his own son to extract the alien spore eggs growing inside his lungs, and managed to kill the eggs as they were hatching. This procedure was performed in a medical bay where conscripted exterminators (including Markus and the Hegemony Officer leading them) are trying to get in to kill Sully and Isaiah who weren’t in the bunker. Finally, the character, Jude, who’s referenced is a spy who was found out to be covering up “The Hegemony’s” involvement and knowledge of the dangerous alien life’s potential to explode in population.

——————————

INT. PASSENGER SHIP – MEDICAL BAY

CRASH!

The glass panel explodes into dust and fragments onto the floor…

As a handful of spacemen and a Hegemony OFFICER wearing a mask charge into the room…

Stepping on the scattered pages of Jude’s report and findings that Sully decorated the floor with upon first entering the room.

Meanwhile, the multiple recordings Jude made play like a radio announcer broadcasting the end of the world.

Sully holds Isaiah close, pointing to the floor…

SULLY

YOU DID THIS!

The room is drowning in adrenaline, but for a moment, Sully’s words stop the hostile force.

SULLY

The Hegemony knew! They knew about the worms. They knew they couldn’t contain them. They knew you, you were going to die covering up their lies! Just look at the goddamn floor and see what they took from you!

The conscripted spacemen peer down at the overwhelming evidence – photographs, charts, articles. Connecting the images with Jude’s words haunts every citizen in the room, like an electric charge down the collective spines, including…

The officer, who’s keeping his attention focused on Sully and Isaiah. He’s purposefully avoiding the floor.

OFFICER

(aiming his pistol at Sully and Isaiah)

I don’t believe you.

SULLY

(Desperate)

Yes you do! Please, YOU don’t owe THEM my son’s life.

One of the spacemen takes off his helmet, revealing himself as Markus. Tears well up, blinding him.

OFFICER

(reciting)

Observing the fact that I take this OATH, Fully cognizant of the words I recite…

Markus hears the word “oath” like the gunshot that signaled the loss of his innocence when he broke his oath and shot a man at the Hegemony’s demand…

OFFICER

Faithfully will I uphold the dignity of my Hegemony, Insightful will I be of all of its enemies…

MARKUS

Your oath?

OFFICER

(yelling to drown out the doubt)

Culling their lies and intentions, Engaging them on the field of battle, Ready and willing to fight and die to the last man.

MARKUS

Well, who’re we to stop you from fulfilling your oath.

Markus takes the butt of his blaster, axe blade attached, and swings it…

Right through the officer’s arm.

The pistol FIRES but MISSES Sully and Isaiah.

The officer SCREAMS and PANICS, dropping down to retrieve…

His gun and the hand it’s still attached to is in the Markus’ hands now.

The other spacemen look amongst themselves while pointing their blasters at Markus, unsure of what to do.

MARKUS

(pulling the gun from the limp fingers of the detached hand)

Remember how we were all just passengers? Only a few hours ago?

(looking the spacemen down)

Remember the screams of the children they took from you?

(looking back to the officer)

How necessary…

OFFICER

Please! Understand the position I was in. I didn’t do those things. I-I swore an oath!

MARKUS

So did I.

BLAM! BLAM!

Markus guns down the officer.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Final Scene! (V.2)

(NOTE: Thanks to June for her wonderful notes. I decided to go with a different scene that should carry a bit more subtext. For the sake of context, a passenger ship on its way to a new colony on another planet was rerouted, and the colonists aboard have been conscripted to fight hostile alien parasites.)

Markus: “Markus is a pacifist priest who fled from Earth to avoid a draft, and wants to lay low and avoid conflict.”

Apollo: “Apollo is a rough-and-tough amelus (born without one of his arms) who’s trying to incite a mutiny to avoid fighting on someone else’s behalf.”

————————

INT. HANGER

Markus waits his turn in line. A MOTHER and CHILD stand in front of a desk with a SOLDIER behind it. A long 3-D printer runs the length of the desk, with a feeder of materials sitting on the floor next to the desk.

MOTHER

This is a mistake! This is my son!

The soldier refuses to make eye contact with the mother.

SOLDIER

Mam, we’ve been through this. He is not your son.

MOTHER

He is! So what if he’s adopted!?

The child starts to cry.

CHILD

Mamma, what does adopted mean?

SOLDIER

Only biological parents are exempt. Now please report to your post.

MOTHER

He’s my son! I’ve raised him from birth! You have all of the papers!

Two other soldiers come to the line. They pry the child from his mother.

CHILD

Mamma! Mamma!

The mother is dragged away by one soldier, as the other soldier takes the kicking and screaming child.

MOTHER

You can’t do this!

SOLDIER

Next!

Markus, wide eyed, steps forward.

SOLDIER

Name and bunk number?

MARKUS

What’ll happen to them?

SOLDIER

Your name and bunk number, civilian.

MARKUS

Markus Smirnov. Bunk–

SOLDIER

And your bunk number?

MARKUS

Bunk 67A.

The soldier scans his tablet, makes a couple notes.

MARKUS

Excuse me, I’m a holy man.

SOLDIER

Do you have a ‘biological’ child, or are you disabled?

Markus opens his mouth to answer.

SOLDIER

(for the hundredth time…)

Adopted children are a privilege provided by the state, and—

MARKUS

No.

SOLDIER

No what?

MARKUS

No. No kids, and–

SOLDIER

And, you’re obviously not disabled. You’re on exterminator duty.

What looks like a double-barrel shotgun, with an axe blade on the butt of the gun and a handle running the length of the barrel finishes printing from the 3-D printer and slides out toward Markus on a moving shelf.

SOLDIER

This is a short range pulse blaster. You will not refer to it by any other name.

Markus takes the weapon carefully, as though it may actually bite him.

MARKUS

Isn’t this illegal?

SOLDIER

No. Guns are illegal. This is a short range pulse blaster.

MARKUS

I swore an oath. As a priest of—

SOLDIER

(ignoring)

You kill aliens with it. Keep it pointed at the ground at all times. If you see an alien, get up close and make sure you don’t shoot your comrades.

The Soldier waves for Markus to step up to a yellow line. A torn up dummy stands about a yard away.

SOLDIER

Remember to keep it pointed at the ground. From the line to the dummy is how close you want to be before taking aim. Aim down the sights.

Markus aims down the sights of the gun.

SOLDIER

You have one shot. You will not be equipped with more until the moment you’re deployed, Now, fire.

Markus pulls the trigger.

The shotgun kicks back, and a plume of rock and smoke explodes from the dummy.

SOLDIER

Congratulations. You’ve been adequately trained to fight aliens.

A tactical space suit finishes printing on the Soldier’s desk. The Soldier takes out the space suit from the printer and an ear piece from a cardboard box under the desk and hands both to Markus.

SOLDIER

Place the ear piece in now.

Markus obeys.

SOLDIER

Please no sudden moves as the ear piece calibrates.

VOICE (O.S.)

(in the earpiece)

You’re one to follow instructions well.

Markus freezes.

The soldier nods, knowing.

SOLDIER

Please report to section 43-Alpha. Next!

Markus walks away, stunned.

In the background, other conversations are overheard similar to the one Markus just encountered.

VOICE (O.S.)

You would do well to follow these next instructions. You have been given one more shot in your short range pulse blaster. Be on the lookout for mutineers. We will know if you come into contact with one. We will know if you do not uphold your civic duty and retaliate against a revolutionary.

Markus sees Apollo, blaster strapped over his back, in the section he’s shuffling toward.

VOICE (O.S.)

But of course, we expect you to continue to do the right thing.

APOLLO

Markus.

Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.

APOLLO

Over here.

MARKUS

Apollo, I’m glad to see you.

APOLLO

Same.

(whispering)

Listen—

MARKUS

I’ve been meaning to tell you, I had this dream. I know we don’t usually dream in cryo sleep. I don’t know why—Doesn’t matter. You know what happened?

APOLLO

Markus, I don’t talk preacher riddles.

MARKUS

There were two brothers and a king.

APOLLO

Markus, listen—

MARKUS

Just…The king was going to execute both brothers, unless one was willing to…to, um…

APOLLO

Yeah, but that’s not how the fuckin’ story ends, innit?

MARKUS

Excuse me?

Apollo grabs Markus by the shoulder.

APOLLO

Let me tell you something. I like the kind of story where the two brothers cave the fuckin’ king’s head in for his troubles. And if it means the older brother gives his entitled prick of a kid brother the kick in the ass he needs, so be it.

MARKUS

GOD, tell me what to do.

APOLLO

Listen. I’m your fuckin’ prophet, and you’re gonna help me cap these tyrannical bastards before we fight for them.

MARKUS

I swore an oath.

VOICE (O.S.)

You know what to do.

The drone of the room is interrupted by gunshots and screams coming from another section.

APOLLO

(working the gun off his back)

You know what to do, preacher.

Markus catches a glimpse of a soldier holding an earpiece to his ear. The soldier starts walking toward him and Apollo.

Markus pushes Apollo out of the crowd.

APOLLO

The fuck’r you doing?

MARKUS

(forcing the words out of his mouth)

You…You’re a…

Realization washes over Apollo’s face.

Markus tries raising the blaster, which feels like it weighs five times heavier in his hands than when he first received it.

Apollo makes a reach for the blaster…

And tries to rip it out of Markus’ hands.

APOLLO

Let it go, Markus.

MARKUS

(fighting to hold onto the blaster)

You’re a mutineer.

Apollo trips up Markus, sending him to the ground.

APOLLO

(mounting Markus)

What’re you talking about? I was just—

KERPLOW!!

Apollo lands a few feet away with an ugly flop.

Markus leaps to his feet, and upon seeing the body, drops the blaster to the ground. His hands fold into a prayer as his eyes will the gaping, cauterized hole in Apollo’s chest closed, but to no avail. The body that was once Apollo lays still and dead.

The SOLDIER walks up and hands the blaster back to Markus.

SOLDIER

Very good.

Markus accepts the blaster without thinking, his eyes still transfixed on the man he murdered.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Final Scene (V.3)

(NOTE: Thanks to Lisa and Matthew for their fantastic notes. Once again, I’m going with a different scene to try and satisfy the requirements of this module.)

Sully: “Sully is a reluctant father who’s trying to prevent his son from being the cause of his own death.”

Isaiah: “Isaiah is an Aspie obsessed with knowing more about the aliens who is trying to win his dad’s approval.”

Jude: “Jude is a secret agent involved in the coverup of the Hegemony’s (space government) involvement in the recent alien outbreaks who wants to spend her last hours in a setting that reminds her of her granddaughter.”

———————————

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Isaiah sulks in his corner, pretending to skim through the pages of his notebook.

Meanwhile, Jude directs Sully to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.

JUDE

Thank you for working so hard. I’ll tell you, the Hegemony would be better off if it had nothing but men willing to build their way to heaven.

SULLY

It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.

JUDE

Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.

SULLY

Hence the grandma routine, I take it.

JUDE

You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of rebels with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.

SULLY

Just what kind of a grandmother are you?

JUDE

Your friendly neighborhood variety.

ISAIAH (O.S.)

You have a queen in its metamorphosis?

Jude and Sully look to Isaiah, who’s holding a glass container with a hand slot and what looks to be the head of an alien worm, about twice the size as the ones we’ve seen so far, with fungal shoots spiring out of it.

Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.

ISAIAH

I always hypothesized this life cycle, but I never thought I’d see it!

SULLY

(to Jude)

Family recipe?

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

You’re lucky you remind me of someone. Hand it here young man?

Isaiah gives the heavy tank to Jude, who picks it up like it’s nothing. She’s a lot stronger than she appears.

She takes the tank over to the counter. There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a lighter, before putting her hand through the slot…

And lighting the fungal worm head ablaze.

ISAIAH

No! What’d ya do that for?

SULLY

No more secrets. Just who the hell are you?

Jude takes a deep breath. Oh what the hell.

JUDE

Don’t have much time left anyway I guess. I’m a Hegemony Intelligence Agent. A spy, if you will.

Sully grabs Isaiah and makes a break for his bat.

Jude pulls out her laser pistol and shoots at his feet with the attitude of swatting a fly.

Sully stops in his tracks.

JUDE

I’m sick of watching you cart that poor boy around like you have a say in what happens to him.

Sully, putting the dots together.

SULLY

You’re not here for us.

JUDE

I’ll tell you, my superiors care about you colonists the same way a horse cares about where it shits.

(observing the burning remains of the queen head)

But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, and I’m sure you’ll agree considering your experience, these things are better left forgotten.

SULLY

What do your superiors say? What makes these pests more valuable than my wife, who you and your people…

Sully can’t finish the words. He doesn’t know if it’s fear of the lady in front of him, or fear of facing what he tried to put behind him.

JUDE

I’m sorry. I truly am. I’ve buried my loved ones. But you’re lucky. You may not know it. But you are. Because at least you’ll be with someone you love at the end.

SULLY

Not interested. And I’m getting my son out of this.

JUDE

Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of this.

SULLY

Why’d you work me like a pack mule then?

JUDE

I don’t know.

Jude pulls out a picture of a little girl in her pocket. She starts to tear up at the sight of her.

JUDE

I just wanted it to end something different is all.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Horror Outline Version 1

Title: OPEN WIDE

Logline: A doctor recovering from the loss of his wife struggles to connect with and protect his Aspie son in the midst of an outbreak of alien parasites.

Horror outline:…

EXT. SPACE

A nebula that looks like blood red teeth.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

A planet in the early process of terraforming. Deforestation surrounding a space colony.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Blood stained walls. Screams and death tarnish the air. An innovatory father (Sully) carries his Aspie son (Isaiah) (about 8-12 years old) and kills one of the spacemen trying to shoot them.

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Sully makeshifts an inhaler with kitchen appliances and clings to Isaiah, who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

NOTE: OPENING SCENE

Horror Situation: A father and son are in an impossible situation and about to die.

APPREHENSION: Shots of an ominous atmosphere.

FEAR: People are dying left and right, but we don’t know what. A father and son are running from something.

DREAD: A spaceman finds them.

HORROR: But Something finds the space man…and kills him.

RELIEF: At least the father and son are—

SHOCK: Another space man finds them. He raises his gun…

FEAR: As Sully raises an intriguing weapon – a metal bat with two electric nailers taped to the end.

HORROR/RELIEF: Sully gets to the spaceman first. His bat makes contact with the spaceman’s textile helmet and imbeds two nails into his skull.

SURPRISE: Isaiah starts violently coughing.

APPREHENSION: Sully carries Isaiah to an apartment room, where he makeshifts something for Isaiah to breathe into.

SHOCK: The sound of a shotgun blast takes us to black and the following title card.

SUPERIMPOSE: 18 HOURS EARLIER

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – MORNING

Sully catches Isaiah trying to fake an illness, which leads him to investigating his room, where he discovers Isaiah’s room is a Rube Goldberg Machine and he has been skipping school often to build it. What he doesn’t discover is the SOMETHING Isaiah’s been keeping under his bed.

INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / ARARTMENTS – CONT. – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY

Sully treats a construction worker, and confronts a fellow physician (Dr. Mick) who’s tending to a patient seemingly suffering from pneumonia.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks in and tells his dad that he’s made a discovery. Sully tells him he needs to go back to his class.

CONT.

Isaiah takes matters into his own hands to show his dad what he knows, but breaks an important medical device (a bronchoscope) in the process. Isaiah, embarrassed, runs away and Sully is called into his manager’s office.

INT. – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully that if he doesn’t get his child under control, he’ll have The Hegemony (the governing body in space) take his son from him.

CONT.

An alarm goes off. Sully knocks out his boss when he tries to cut off Sully’s escape path to his son.

INT. SPACE COLONY – CORRIDORS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them. Dr. Mick, who knows the family, vouches for them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully finds Isaiah hiding in a corner with his eyes closed and his hands over his ears, while making noises to tune out the siren. Sully tries grabbing him by the hand, but as soon as Isaiah’s hand leaves his ear, exposing him to the loud sound of the siren, he runs away and hides again.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. The doctor starts administering treatment, telling the other scared colonists that it’s just a bad case of pneumonia, and that some people’s lungs struggle with the artificial air, and that this has been the case with the teenager for months now.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully takes a headband out of his deceased wife’s drawer (untouched for weeks) and fashions earmuffs with it. He gives it to Isaiah who doesn’t want to be carried, but Sully picks him up anyway so they can get to the bunker faster.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth. Dr. Mick kills himself with a lethal injection.

NOTE: THE ALARM SEQUENCE

Primary Horror Situation: Sully can’t get his son to cooperate in the midst of an alarm that has him freaked out.

Secondary Horror Situation: The family and the family doctor bring in an infected patient and compromise the safety of the bunker.

SURPRISE: The alarm goes off.

APPREHENSION: The way the characters react, especially Sully, tells us this is not a standard fire alarm.

ANXIETY: Sully’s fighting against a crowd. Meanwhile, a family is fighting with the crowd to get into a bunker.

SHOCK: A hand GRABS the teenager.

SUSPENSE: Will the mother and father and get their son back. Should they?

SUSPENSE: Dr. Mick vouches for the kid.

ANXIETY: Sully’s looking for his son – nowhere to be found. (We remember the glass tank holding SOMETHING under his bed.)

ANXIETY: The alarm is still wailing. The lights are flashing on and off. Where is this ki—

SURPRISE: A crash behind Sully!

RELEASE: It’s just the Rube Goldberg machine.

SUSPENSE: Sully goes to look under Isaiah’s bed (where SOMETHING is).

RELEASE/ANXIETY: It’s Isaiah, (Where is IT?) who won’t let Sully take him.

RELEASE: The teenager is reunited with his family, and Dr. Mick is going to take care of him.

SHOCK: The teen collapses into a coughing fit.

SUSPENSE: Dr. Mick pulls out a syringe. The mom thinks it may be the killing injection.

RELEASE: Dr. Mick assures us it’s a diuretic to help clear and dry out the lungs.

DOUBLE RELEASE: The teen sleeps peacefully.

SUSPENSE: Back to Sully who’s trying to get his son to cooperate. He makes a pair of muffs out of his deceased wife’s headband.

ANXIETY: (IT is still under the bed with Isaiah. Will IT escape from its glass enclosure?)

RELEASE: Isaiah accepts the muffs and agrees to go with Sully.

SHOCK: Back to the teenager who’s coughing up blood!

FEAR: Dr. Mick pulls out the lethal injection.

PANIC: The teen’s father holds back the teen’s mother so that Dr. Mick can administer the lethal injection.

ANGUISH: The mother watches her son’s pediatrician kill him.

DREAD: Dr. Mick holds up a second dose to his jugular, while saying he “did it in time.”

RELEASE: The son stops spasming. He lies very still.

HORROR: The son’s mouth opens so wide that his jaw breaks and the seams of his mouth split to the bone, forming a bloody smile.

HYSTERIA: Dr. Mick kills himself.

MONSTER REVEAL: This is subtle, but there’s a correlation between the moisture in the host’s lungs and the incubation period of whatever this monster is. Drying out the lungs speeds up this process considerably.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. Sully is pissed off with Isaiah and lets him know as calmly as he can that they’ll have to work together to make it out alive.

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Manager wakes up. The lights go out with the alarm, and he’s all alone.

INT. MEDICAL BAY AND ADJACENT OFFICES – NIGHT

Manager tiptoes down the hallway, and discovers one of his physicians is SOMETHING ELSE. It hunts him. Manager hides, but catches sight of something that scares him out of hiding and into the jaws of his former physician.

Horror Situation: The Manager’s demise

APPREHENSION: Manager wakes up. He’s seemingly all alone.

SURPRISE: The alarm goes off and the lights go to emergency power mode. It’s suddenly darker and much more quiet than it was before.

ANXIETY: Manager tiptoes down a dark corridor.

FEAR: In the distance, horrified screams and shuffling feet are heard.

SURPRISE: A crash behind Manager.

RELEASE: It’s one of his employees.

APPREHENSION: The physician is shrouded by shadow. We don’t see his face.

ANXIETY: An awkward, uncanny shuffling by the physician, like he’s learning how to walk again.

FEAR: Manager picks up his pace, running away.

RELASE: He goes into another office and LOCKS the door, before hiding under a desk.

ANXIETY: SOMETHING scratches at the door.

SHOCK: BANG! BANG! BANG! at the door. IT’s trying to get in.

RELEASE: Quiet again. Whatever IT was has gone away.

SURPRISE: DRIP, DRIP, DRIP in front of the Manager.

FEAR: Manager looks up and sees SOMETHING.

HYSTERIA: He flips the desk on his way out of the office.

PANIC: Rattling at the door. Can’t get the lock—

RELEASE: It’s open! He’s free—

PANIC: The physician is down the corridor and gives chase on hands and feet as the Manager tries to close and lock the door again. (He doesn’t see it but we, the audience watch IT coming straight for him).

HORROR: The physician tackles the Manager and rips into him off screen.

DREAD: (While the Manager’s death is slow and horrific, we the audience see a trail of mucus leading to and from an air vent in the room the Manager was just in.)

MONTER REVEAL: Whatever IT is, it will take over the body of a host and use it to attack others. In addition, there’s either more than one monster, or the trail of mucus and the possessed physician are connected.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Back to Sully and Isaiah who’re walking down a similar dark corridor as the Manager. An adult alien worm (about 15 feet long) slithers out of a vent and follows after them, unbeknownst to them. It strikes at Sully, but Isaiah sprays something at it, and the two run away…

INT. SPACE COLONY – APARTMENT ROOM – NIGHT

Into a room where two strangers are hiding. Sully and Isaiah join them, and Isaiah tries to say something about the aliens’ weakness. But when Sully hushes him, Isaiah creates a distraction that draws the worm away.

The stranger makes a run for it but is subsequently infected by the worm.

The Stranger’s loved one and Sully try to stop the host from killing them, but attacks do nothing to slow IT down. Sully and Isaiah get out of the apartment, managing to lock the infected behind the door.

Horror Situation: Sully and Isaiah encounter the Monster

APPREHENSION: Sully and Isaiah are both in a similar position as the Manager we just watched die.

ANXIETY: SOMETHING slides out from an air vent. We see it follow Sully and Isaiah, but they don’t.

SHOCK: The worm strikes at Sully!

PANIC: Coiling around his neck!

RELEASE: Isaiah sprays a chemical (bleach) onto the worm and it releases Sully and writhes on the ground.

MONSTER REVEAL: The worm is sensitive to bleach.

SUSPENSE: Sully and Isaiah run away…

RELEASE: And hide with a couple.

ANXIETY: A slithering sound follows them.

FEAR: Isaiah won’t shut up.

SHOCK: Isaiah presses on his dad’s broken hand.

SURPRISE: Isaiah tosses a pot, distracting the worm.

SHOCK: The husband makes a break for it.

PANIC: The worm breaks for the husband.

HORROR: The worm has teeth on its head, and it slithers down into the husband’s throat.

ANGUISH: The wife watches her husband bleed out inside his throat…

HORROR: And have his mouth and jaw broken from his skull (The seems of his mouth tear just like the teenager’s, and the maxilla pulls and breaks from the rest of the cranium, creating a fish-like mouth that snaps out of the host’s skull).

HYSTERIA: What was once the husband goes after the trio of his wife, Sully and Isaiah.

MONSTER REVEAL: The worm gets inside a person through the mouth and controls that person, rendering them a zombie.

HORROR: They take anything they can use as a club and break the former husband’s bones. The husband doesn’t care, and his broken bones don’t stop him, as he pins his wife down with the points of a fractured forearm.

MONTER REVEAL: Nothing blunt can kill this thing, and it will use it’s own body and broken bones as weapons.

HYSTERIA: Sully takes Isaiah and runs for it out of the apartment…

RELEASE: Locking the monster inside with his wife.

ANGUISH: Who’s still being consumed by her husband.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to their apartment and discover the worm Isaiah was hiding under his bed escaped. They can’t escape from that worm or the other host that breaks into the apartment. However, Jude, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker, saves them.

Horror Situation: Sully and Isaiah are trapped with the monster.

APPREHENSION: Back in the apartment (Did IT get out?)

FEAR: SOMETHING this way comes.

RELEASE: Sully locks the door.

TENSION: Whatever was chasing them CRASHES into the door. IT wants in.

SURPRISE: A subtle cracking sound.

SUSPENSE: Sully and Isaiah go to investigate the sound.

FEAR: The cracking sound is coming from under Isaiah’s bed.

SHOCK: The glass breaks.

PANIC: Sully and Isaiah, caught between something that’s banging against their front door, and the worm that’s out of its cage, run…

RELEASE: To hide in the next room.

SHOCK: The front door breaks open.

SUSPENSE: They’re looking for Sully and Isaiah.

FEAR: The worm finds Sully, but doesn’t infect him. It investigates his face, ears and nose.

MONSTER REVEAL: The worms appear to be blind.

SHOCK: The worm rears back, ready to strike…

RELEASE: But not at Sully.

SHOCK/SUSPENSE: An unfamiliar sound, followed by bodies dropping to the floor. Sully and Isaiah hold very still.

SURPRISE: A hand grabs Sully’s hair.

HYSTERIA: Sully pleads for his and his son’s life, as he jumps up to protect Isaiah from…

RELEASE: It’s an old lady…

INTRIGUE: Holding an illegal firearm.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Jude takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

They make it to a corner/tool room of Jude’s apartment, and slam the door on the aliens. Sully goes to work make-shifting a weapon, and to his surprise Jude pulls out a laser gun from a safe. The two fight off the hostile aliens, and Jude doesn’t miss a single shot.

Isaiah tries capturing and protecting the worms from his dad, asking that he listen to what he has to say. Sully declines to listen and kills the worms with prejudice.

Horror Situation: Sully and Jude fight off a small wave of worms and hosts, while Isaiah tries to reason with them.

NOTE: This feels like more of an action sequence than a true building horror sequence, so I’ll keep this short.

SUSPENSE: Jude, Isaiah and Sully make it to Jude’s apartment, where she argues she has more supplies to fortify with.

TENSION: The handful of those that didn’t make it to the bunker, along with a half dozen worms chase after them.

RELEASE: Sully closes the door.

SUSPENSE: Sully and Jude prepare to fight. Sully crafts a weapon using a metal bat, two electric nailers, wire and duct tape. Meanwhile, Isaiah asks for and searches for anything “alkaline.”

ACTION/FEAR: The monsters break in and Sully (with his bat) and Jude (with a laser pistol) fight them. Isaiah tries to catch the worms and deter them with bleach, paint thinner, and ammonia.

MONSTER REVEAL: The worms are susceptible to anything alkaline (base). Also, weapons that can puncture the host (nails) can get to and kill the worm that’s taken over.

RELEASE: The monsters are defeated.

LATER

Sully and Jude fortify the apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Jude comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony (the government entity that presides over the space colony).

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger, Markus (a holy man), wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. He meets Apollo, another passenger, but the two try to stay discreet.

INT. SPACE SHIP – FEEDING PEN

Markus and Apollo learn with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully asks why Jude isn’t in the bunker. Jude reveals that she was infected on her way to the bunker.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LOADING CORRIDOR

Apollo wants to start a mutiny, but Markus wants to lay low and hidden. Other passengers get the same idea to resist conscription, but they disappear when something from the ceiling takes them.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. Isaiah wants to find a way to keep her alive, but Sully helps her take a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

MONSTER REVEAL: The hostile alien population exploded due to The Hegemony’s terraforming practices, and they sent a spy to cover it up.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. Apollo is caught, along with other mutineers, and Markus is forced, along with several other passengers, to execute the mutineers, including Apollo.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by Jude. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives. Isaiah asks to help, wanting to see the outside of the bunker, and potentially an alien nest.

Horror Situation: Sully’s Dream

APPREHENSION: Sully wakes up. In front of him is Jude, dead and covered by a sheet. Behind him, Isaiah’s missing.

ANXIETY: Sully goes to search for his son. No sign of him.

SUSPENSE: Sully comes up to Jude’s bedroom door, which is locked. He breaks in to search for Isaiah.

SURPRISE: Sully flicks on the light, which immediately explodes.

RELEASE: Nothing in the room. Not even furniture.

ANXIETY: Sully enters the vacant pitch black room.

SURPRISE: Shattering of glass behind him.

SUSPENSE: Sully goes to the source of the sound.

RELEASE: It’s Isaiah…

APPREHENSION: With a broken glass tank at his feet, and the head of a worm with fungal spears towering out of it, and a cloud of spores.

DREAD: Isaiah starts coughing violently.

HYSTERIA: Isaiah asks his dad to kill him. Sully doesn’t know what to do.

HORROR/ANGUISH: Isaiah’s mouth opens wide and chomps down on his dad’s neck.

MONSTER REVEAL: Though this is a dream sequence, this lifecycle of fungus-> eggs-> worms-> host-> fungus is confirmed later. Breathing in the spores infects you with the monsters.

RELEASE: Sully wakes up. Isaiah’s next to him, fast asleep. It was a dream.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully lures Isaiah into a closet and locks him inside to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully inches across the roof of the enclosed space colony in a ventilation suit with a bag of tools, through a towering spore nest. It’s like walking through a yellow jacket nest that exploded out of the ground. Sully opens up a point in the roof and crawls into a shaft that leads to the bunker.

Horror Situation: Traversing the Spore Nest

APPREHENSION: Sully exits to the outside, unsure of what waits for him.

DREAD: Before him is a spore nest that rises over twelve feet above his head, ripe with worms and spores clouding the air.

TENSION: Sully makes his way through.

SHOCK: One of the worms makes a cut into his suit.

PANIC: Sully makes a run for it. The hole nest begins to swarm.

RELEASE: Sully makes it into a grate, and closes it behind him.

MONSTER REVEAL: The worms are like a combination of snails and yellow jackets. They congregate in massive fungal nests that spread spore eggs through the air like billowing clouds of smoke from a factory.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to escape from his closet. He gathers rope and some tools from the tool room, and a spare ventilation suit.

INT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully uses the grinder to open a hole into the bunker. When he drops down into the bunker, he discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family, who attack him on all fours and lash out with their jaws that separate from their skulls with the worm’s body attaching the two.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah crawls across the walkway in his own ventilation suit, which he lathers in lubricant, and covers potential openings in the suit, including his mask, with velcro.

INT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping the rope for him. Sully climbs up the rope that’s anchored to the vent, through the use of the power tools Isaiah brought.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. Stressed about the hosts still tailing them, Sully pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, where his mask breaks.

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host on his way back inside the colony, and seals the way in as best he can.

Horror Situation: Stuck in the pit of “hell”

NOTE: THE BUNKER SEQUENCE

NOTE: Again, parts of this feel more like an action sequence than the slow build of horror, so I’ll keep this short and highlight specific moments.

FEAR: Sully tries to backtrack and get away from the bunker.

DREAD: He’s slipping. Can’t get away.

TENSION: Sully targets his fall and uses as much of the bunker hall’s resources (scaffolding, shelves, etc.) to his advantage, keeping just inches from death.

APPREHENSION: Isaiah comes up to face the same fungal nest Sully faced, but this time it’s swarming.

SUSPENSE: Isaiah appears to be problem solving his way out, but it involves intentionally blindfolding himself.

ANXIETY: Isaiah crawls blindfolded through the spore nest while playing loud brown noise to calm the worms.

RELEASE: Sully gets his weapon and is able to use it to some effect.

SHOCK: Isaiah slips on something and nearly falls through the floor, losing his grip on the portable stereo.

TENSION: He keeps his blindfold on and continues crawling the rest of the way.

PANIC: There’s a jam. The weapon won’t fire the nails into the hosts’ necks.

RELEASE: Sully gets a grinder and cuts through the worms…

HORROR: Until some of the infected children catch up to him, including an infected baby, who latches onto him with a toothless mouth. Sully can’t bring himself to carve up the baby.

RELEASE: Isaiah tosses a rope down and distracts the alien hosts.

SUSPENSE: Sully tries to get to the rope.

RELEASE: Sully escapes.

ANXIETY: But the hosts can climb the rope too, and now over a hundred of them have been given access out of the bunker.

HYSTERIA: The hosts are charging for Sully and Isaiah, and Isaiah insists on a different path from his dad.

SHOCK: Sully loses it and shoves Isaiah along the walkway.

DOUBLE SHOCK: Isaiah falls through the floor.

DREAD: Isaiah’s mask broke. He’s infected.

ANGUISH: Sully, despite all his efforts, may have killed his own son himself.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, but expresses remorse about pushing Isaiah into the nest.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Exterminators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of exterminators and aliens alike.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS / LIVING QUARTERS – CONT. – NIGHT

While the two are surrounded, Sully apologizes to his son and asks him to help by using his knowledge of escape routes to get them to a medical bay aboard the exterminator’s vessel. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into an exterminator.

NOTE: This is a repeat of the Opening Sequence, and catches us up to where the story initially began.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but exterminators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

Horror Situation: Avoiding the Carnage

SUSPENSE: Sully and Isaiah sneak in the walls.

SURPRISE: Isaiah coughs.

DREAD: One of the exterminators hears the cough, drawing closer and closer to Sully and Isaiah.

SHOCK: A host attacks the group of exterminators, Markus among them.

RELEASE: Sully and Isaiah free to continue.

SHOCK: A blast penetrates the wall near Isaiah’s head.

PANIC: Sully and Isaiah run out from the walls.

RELEASE: Sully frees the Husband host he locked up near the beginning of the story.

HORROR: The host creates a diversion for the father and son by attacking the exterminators.

RELEASE: Sully and Isaiah get away

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run as fast as they can to the Medical Bay.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and exterminators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest via a bronchoscopy.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours bleach over the hatching worms, killing them.

Horror Situation: Operating on his own son

APPREHENSION: Chaos outside. Safe (for now) inside the locked up medical bay.

SHOCK: Isaiah coughs up a bit of blood.

FEAR: Sully frantically searches through the medical bay for supplies. Time’s ticking.

RELEASE: Sully finds an inhaler and something to lubricate Isaiah’s lungs.

DREAD: Operation time. No time to put Isaiah under. Sully has Isaiah distract himself while he administers a bronchoscopy to physically extract the eggs.

ANGUISH: Isaiah’s a trooper despite being in misery as his dad finishes the operation.

HORROR: The eggs start to hatch.

RELEASE: Sully dumps a bottle of bleach over the eggs.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as exterminators and military personnel break in. Markus is among them. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer orders the execution of the father and son.

Markus uses his weapon and shoots the officer. He and the other exterminators form a wall around Sully, setting the stage for a mutiny.

INT. PASSENGER’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

Markus gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Formatting per Day 16 requirements

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Meanings

What I learned doing this assignment is…this is an awesome way to breathe a little more life into what may otherwise be a very boring exposition scene. Ultimately, per the outline, I have to communicate two things. First that there’s a way to the bunker, giving us a new direction for the story to follow. Second, is that Isaiah and Sully will start to work together. As I was writing the page and a half that sets up these two facts, however, it became clear that this was worse than dead weight on the script, and risked jeopardizing the audience’s trust. But, in giving the two characters conflicting expectations, motivations, and perspectives, it really helped to take what would be…just the worst kind of scene into something that does an amazing job setting up a future point in the script, as well as presenting a hidden conflict between the two characters that we leave us on the edge of our seats to see how it plays out. I’m not saying it’s perfect yet, but it’s a far cry from what this scene started out as with two characters just agreeing with each other.

——————

Sully – Motivation: Get to the bunker and keep Isaiah safe.

Perspective: Isaiah can’t be trusted, especially if things go south.

Isaiah – Motivation: See the hive that he believes may be atop the colony.

Perspective: His dad is starting to trust him.

——————

Scene used:

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives. Isaiah asks to help, saying he knows more about the colony tunnels and escape routes than his dad.

——————

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

SULLY opens his eyes. In front of him, Jude lays still, a sheet covering her.

He rolls over to look away…

ISAIAH’s missing.

Sully’s eyes widen. Where is he?

He sits up.

SULLY

(whispering)

Isaiah?

No answer.

SULLY

Isaiah?

He gets up. No sign of him anywhere. Everything is as they left it before…

Sully looks back at the sheet covered corpse of Jude.

He tiptoes to what he assumes is her room. Funny. He hasn’t been anywhere else but the main area and the back room.

He flicks on a switch.

The lights come on for just a second, revealing a vacant rrom – no furniture – before the bulb EXPLODES, casting darkness over the room once more.

Sully takes a step into the room. Nothing can be seen as he inches deeper and deeper into the shadows.

CRASH OF GLASS SHATTERING BEHIND HIM…

It came from the kitchen.

Sully runs back out of the dark void.

Seeing Isaiah – thank goodness.

At Isaiah’s feet. The glass tank that was holding the budding fungal spears impaling the alien’s head has shattered.

ISAIAH

Daddy?

Isaiah coughs lightly at first, then begins to whoop and hack up blood!

ISAIAH

Daddy!? *COUGH! COUGH!*

Sully runs over to his son, who’s spasming on the ground.

SULLY

Isaiah, just hold still.

ISAIAH

I was just cur-ur-ious!

SULLY

It’s okay. It’s going to be oka—

ISAIAH

I-I-m-m-m sor-r-r-y.

Sully looks everywhere, desperate for an answer. His son thrashes in his arms.

ISAIAH

You have to kill me!

SULLY

Stop it!

ISAIAH

Make it stop! Kill me, please! Let me die!

A torrent of blood spews from Isaiah’s throat. His mouth tears into a smile that stretches back to his jaw bones.

SULLY

Isaiah, please. Please!

Isaiah’s mouth fractures from his skull.

Sully looks his boy in the eye…

Before Isaiah pulls his dad’s throat to his mouth that catapults from his skull and takes a giant bite out of Sul—

Sully jolts up in a panic!

Everything is as it was before. He looks over at his son who’s sleeping soundly. A dream.

Sully stands up, unwilling to go back to sleep.

He paces the room for a bit, wishing this too was all a dream. Maybe he could wake up next to his wife again.

His gaze settles on Jude’s bedroom door.

He sneaks over to the closed room. Jiggles the handle. Locked.

Too curious, his hand searches the top of the door frame, no key.

He walks away…

For a moment…

Before coming back with a knife in his hand. He jiggles the knife between the door and the frame, scraping the tip against the latch.

A moment…

And the latch comes loose from the door, which pulls open, inviting Sully to uncover the secrets within.

Sully opens the door…

And steps inside. He flicks on the switch…

The light comes on. The room is lived in, with papers and photographs littering every square inch. Much of it appears torn and ruined by water, with one spot in the carpet clearly burnt.

Sully peers through the array of evidence on different colony members, no rhyme or reason given to their organization now that they’re all over the floor to be destroyed.

He picks up his pace. Something there has to help them.

LATER

The papers have been scattered into amorphous mounds, like a paper mountain range encircling Sully.

He comes across a document – a map.

He gives it careful consideration. Then, a revelation.

SULLY

Oh my GOD!

CUT TO:

Isaiah fast asleep.

A hand shakes him awake.

It’s his dad.

ISAIAH

(startled)

Wha-What is it?

SULLY

I need your help getting ready.

ISAIAH

Ready for what?

SULLY

I’m going for a little walk.

ISAIAH

What? Where?

SULLY

Thanks to our late friend, there might be a way we can get into the bunker.

ISAIAH

Really?

SULLY

Yes, but we have to move quick. There’re some…preparations.

ISAIAH

I don’t—

SULLY

We have to go outside.

Isaiah lights up, beaming with excitement.

ISAIAH

Oh my gosh! Do you know what this means?

SULLY

Yes, we’re going to be safe.

Isaiah looks over to the tank with the burnt head inside. He can’t help himself.

Sully catches this, seeing how giddy his son is about the damned aliens.

SULLY

Isaiah, is there something you want to tell me?

ISAIAH

Um, no. I mean, uh, do you trust me?

Sully takes an excruciating pause.

SULLY

I trust you.

ISAIAH

You have to do everything I say, okay.

SULLY

Isaiah—

ISAIAH

I know. I know. We might get to see a nest. Don’t worry though! I think I know how to get around it.

Sully absorbs this. The nightmare resurfacing in his memory.

SULLY

You got it. Tell me what to do.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Scary-As-Hell Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…Outlining the action in this way is a really good way to get a mental picture before I start writing too much. It also keeps me on track for which emotions I’m trying to cultivate, so that I can keep the emotions closer to that of horror and less toward DOOM. Finally, this really allows me to look at elevating the different components to try and hit on something we haven’t seen yet, or make use of tropes in a way that can subvert expectations, should that be a goal. I can also block subsequent scare scenes to set up further questions and counter different comments my characters may make, such as below…

——————

End of Act 1 – Total Infestation

Suspense to Dread

Suspense: The Bunker is sealed with Sully and Isaiah caught on the outside. No way in.

Note: Sully is absolutely terrified. Isaiah isn’t scared at all.

Release: Isaiah reassures us that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Suspense: Manager wakes up. Says he’s going to kill Sully.

Fear: Manager senses something hunting him.

Apprehension: Shuffling of feet. Screams. He’s not the only one to not make it back to the bunker.

Shock: A crash into a cabinet.

Release: It’s just Dr. Douglas.

Dread: Dr, Douglas doesn’t respond.

Horror: Dr. Douglas’ smile reveals a tear to his jaw bone.

Panic: Manager runs for it. Dr. Douglas gives chase on all fours.

Release: Manager finds a hiding spot.

Suspense: Will Dr. Douglas find him.

Fear: Something slimes on Manager

Hysteria: Manager runs for it…

Horror: Into Dr. Douglas and gets eaten. A slime trail leads back into the vents.

—————

INT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER EXTERIOR – NIGHT

SULLY runs with a struggling ISAIAH in tow, down an empty corridor and up to the tightly sealed door of the bunker.

The look on his face says it all. Too late.

Sully, wanting to just drop Isaiah in a heap, sets the temperamental child down as gently as he can.

He presses against the door, looking for any seam, any way inside.

SULLY

No, no, no, no. Dammit. Gahhhh!

Sully punches the hanger door. A crack sounds off from his fist.

Sully doubles over in obvious pain.

SULLY

Fuck! Fuck!

He looks over at his son, enraged at both him for not coming along easily, as well as himself for taking the time to make those stupid ear muffs.

Isaiah looks back at his dad, tears welling up in his eyes.

ISAIAH

(clutching the muffs tight to his ears)

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Sully works to calm himself, while looking in all directions. Adrenaline from the situation builds upon the adrenaline from fracturing his hand – how bad? He doesn’t know.

ISAIAH

I’m sorry.

SULLY

Listen.

ISAIAH

I’m sorry.

SULLY

Stop it! We have less than a minute…maybe. You’ve got to do as I say.

ISAIAH

I can help.

SULLY

Help me by doing exactly what I say.

ISAIAH

It’ll be okay, Dad.

Sully takes a deep breath, happy that his son seems to be taking this better than he is, before another wave of pain emirates from his hand.

Isaiah watches his dad wince.

BANG! Every other light goes out.

Sully and Isaiah JUMP! Sully’s eyes dart all over the place. Power reserve. It just got a lot darker.

ISAIAH

(taking his Dad’s hand)

I know what to do. They’re not that bad.

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Sully’s MANAGER wakes up. A killer pain emanates from his jaw.

Slow to get up. What the hell happened?

It hits him. THE BUNKER. Sully knocked him out.

MANAGER

I swear, I’m going to see that son of a bitch shot for this.

If he makes it out.

The alarm is off. How long has it been out? The Manager stumbles forward out of his office.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – CONT.

The Manager keeps a steady pace. Looking behind him. Above him. Every small corner. And then back again. It could come from anywhere.

He hears a scream down the hallway.

The Manager freezes. Has to keep moving, but something deeper tells him not to.

CRASH!

He jumps and looks behind him, uttering a minor cry.

The sound came from a filing cabinet…

And someone clinging to it.

He can’t make out who it is at first. The lights are out overhead. Something familiar catches his eye.

MANAGER

Dr. Douglas?

Dr. Douglas doesn’t respond.

He crawls his way down the cabinet, to his hands and feet.

The Manager takes a step back.

Dr. Douglas bear crawls forward. A stutter step. Into the light.

The Manager recognizes his former employee, and the smile carved into his cheeks, all the way to the jaw bone.

Manager runs for it.

Dr. Douglas crawls forward on hands and feet like a crocodile.

The Manager pulls cabinets behind him, not daring to look back…

Before bolting inside a room.

He slams the door…

And LOCKS it!

He climbs under a desk.

Dr. Douglas scratches at the door. Slams his body against it. Desperate to get at his prey.

After a few moments…silence. Dr. Douglas is gone.

Manager, clings to his knees. He’s safe. For now, he’s safe. Dr. Douglas isn’t going to —

DRIP. DRIP. DRIP.

Manager looks up and sees SOMETHING that TERRIFIES him to his core.

MANAGER

Oh god! No! No god! No!

He erupts from under the desk, flipping it over!

He turns the handle!

It’s locked!

His hands fumble with the lock…

Come on! Come on!

The lock unlatches!

Manager swings the door open! He’s getting awa—

WHAM!! Dr. Douglas tackles the Manager, ripping him to shreds. He pleads for mercy, but it does about as good as a zebra asking a lion to spare it.

His screams tell us his death is slow, painful, messy. But we don’t see it…

What we do see is the trail of slime or mucus leading to the air vent from where the Manager was hiding.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Directional FOS Patterns

What I learned doing this assignment is…I can’t wait to get to the next module on advanced dialogue. I’ve struggled with dialogue for years, and have approached it from the angle that if I can get away with telling as much of a story through action, then I wouldn’t have to worry about it. But these past two assignments have been amazing for infusing depth and character into virtually every line. I feel like I have a legitimate bar to measure the quality of my dialogue and elevate it in subsequent drafts. I’ve dreaded writing this part of the story, because I knew it would be dialogue and exposition heavy, but incorporating figure of speech and subtext into every line has been amazing for bringing the most out of these characters, and I’m actually looking forward to writing and revising more of my script now.

———————

LATER

ISAIAH sulks in his corner, pretending to skim through the pages of his notebook.

Meanwhile, JUDE directs SULLY to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.

JUDE

Thank you for working so hard. I’ll tell you, the Hegemony would be better off if it had nothing but men willing to build their way to heaven.

SULLY

It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.

JUDE

Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.

SULLY

Hence the grandma routine, I take it.

JUDE

You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of rebels with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.

SULLY

Just what kind of a grandmother are you?

JUDE

Your friendly neighborhood variety.

ISAIAH (O.S.)

You have a queen in its metamorphosis?

Jude and Sully look to Isaiah, who’s holding a glass container with a hand slot and what looks to be the head of an alien worm, about twice the size as the ones we’ve seen so far, with fungal shoots spiring out of it.

Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.

ISAIAH

I always hypothesized this life cycle, but I never thought I’d see it!

SULLY

(to Jude)

Family recipe?

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

You’re lucky you remind me of someone. Hand it here young man?

Isaiah gives the heavy tank to Jude, who picks it up like it’s nothing. She’s a lot stronger than she appears.

She takes the tank over to the counter. There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a lighter, before putting her hand through the slot…

And lighting the fungal worm head ablaze.

ISAIAH

No! What’d ya do that for?

SULLY

No more secrets. Just who the hell are you?

Jude takes a deep breath. Oh what the hell.

JUDE

Don’t have much time left anyway I guess. I’m a Hegemony Intelligence Agent. A spy, if you will.

Sully grabs Isaiah and makes a break for his bat.

Jude pulls out her laser pistol and shoots at his feet with the attitude of swatting a fly.

Sully stops in his tracks.

JUDE

I’m sick of watching you cart that poor boy around like you have a say in what happens to him.

Sully, putting the dots together.

SULLY

You’re not here for us.

JUDE

I’ll tell you, my superiors care about you colonists the same way a horse cares about where it shits.

(observing the burning remains of the queen head)

But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, and I’m sure you’ll agree considering your experience, these things are better left forgotten.

SULLY

What do your superiors say? What makes these pests more valuable than my wife, who you and your people…

Sully can’t finish the words. He doesn’t know if it’s fear of the lady in front of him, or fear of facing what he tried to put behind him.

JUDE

I’m sorry. I truly am. I’ve buried my loved ones. But you’re lucky. You may not know it. But you are. Because at least you’ll be with someone you love at the end.

SULLY

Not interested. And I’m getting my son out of this.

JUDE

Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of this.

SULLY

Why’d you work me like a pack mule then?

JUDE

I don’t know.

Jude pulls out a picture of a little girl in her pocket. She starts to tear up at the sight of her.

JUDE

I just wanted it to end something different is all.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy Moments!

What I learned doing this assignment is…the necessity of keeping the protagonist in the dark, so that the audience can experience the correct emotion through him. In addition, the releases are as important as the scares and creepy moments, so that the audience can catch their breath. As important though is how those releases are handled. Cheap jump scares can make for a fun experience if the film is self aware about it (looking at you SCREAM), or if they can lead to another story moment. The release can be that story moment that both gives you that fleeting moment of safety, while also introducing a new element to be wary of, a new component to unnerve an audience and keep them on the edge of their seats.

OUTLINE…

Hiding from the monster…

The monster invades the space…

Draw out the tension by having the monster explore every orifice of the protagonist’s face…

One fatal mistake…

“Death comes for all…”

Release (“But not yet”). The worm goes and attacks something else…

Jump scare. A hand keeps Sully’s mouth shut…

Sully gets up, ready for a fight, but finds…

A sweet grandmother, holding an illegal weapon.

——————

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah crouch lower and lower behind the couch. Sully’s eyes dart to every corner of the room, while he holds his hand over his son’s mouth. Where is it? How could my son hold onto something so dangerous?

A feeling of slime or mucus flows onto the crown of Sully’s head. Oh shit. Don’t move.

The warm, damp thing investigates his ear, The sharp serrated teeth brush along his hair. In his peripheral, the dark wet slug, intimate with Sully’s cheeks. Sully holds his breath. It knows. The slug brushes against Sully’s mouth. The teeth making an incision at his nose. Sully puffs out a breath of air.

THE THING RECOILS BACK!

Sully closes his eyes. This is it.

The sound of a struggle behind the two of them.

Sully opens his eyes. The slug is gone. Where did it go?

A hand reaches over Sully’s lips. Sully jerks against the new sensation, jumping to his feet, ready to fight!

Before him…

The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies. Instead, at her feet is Isaiah’s worm.

SULLY

How…Wha…Who are you?

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.

Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a laser pistol. Very illegal.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Dialogue Cover-ups

What I learned doing this assignment is…Subtext is AWESOME for horror! In addition, there’re so many ideas for how you can represent a character, and elevate the scene beyond what comes to your head first. I decided to go with a combination of the two options because it clarifies two different points that themselves lead to a lot of questions and future conflict: Jude is dangerous, her motivations are based on Isaiah.

(Note: Decided on a different character subtext for Sully. The whole Sully is the spy instead of Jude broke my brain for a couple days. While it adds a ton of natural conflict, it also changed too much of what I was going for with this story. The other place that would naturally add a lot of subtext is the missing relationship of the mother, who represents the lacking understanding between Sully and Isaiah, which is ultimately what this story is about: controlling versus understanding. The Sully is a spy is still an option if needed, but I think the horror element of Sully being out of his element is too valuable to lose, and changing it makes this story more of a thriller than a horror movie, and the mixed signals of genre may do more damage than intended.)

METHODS OF COVER-UP:

– Silence: Person doesn’t answer when they should.

Jude doesn’t say anything. She just motions for Sully and Isaiah to follow her.

– Action incongruent with words.

JUDE

Oh, I’m nobody worth knowing.

Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a laser pistol. Very illegal.

– Change subject.

JOSE

(to Isaiah)

Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.

– Attack back.

JUDE

If you know what’s good for you, you won’t ask that question again. Understand me, young man?

– Complement them.

JUDE

You look like you can be a big help to a poor defenseless lady.

– Threaten them

Jude raises the thing that was in her hands and points it at Sully. It clicks in his head like a snare drum. She’s aiming a laser pistol at his chest.

JUDE

I’ve already dealt with two other miscreants that didn’t make it to the bunker. You wouldn’t be so unkind as to hurt a little old grandmother would you?

– Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.

JUDE

I’m just a little old grandmother of two who lost her way. Maybe we can help each other?

– Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a different direction.

JUDE

I would be less concerned with who you’re talking to, and simply follow me. You don’t know how many of those ‘things’ there are.

– Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.

She approaches Sully and Isaiah. Sully tries to stand in the way and holds his hand out to keep her back.

She takes the hand and twists it with a Judo move that appears as second nature to her as knitting a scarf.

She puts Sully on the couch and embraces Isaiah.

JUDE

Poor, poor child. I’ll make sure you’re safe.

– Distraction.

JUDE

Is he your son? Where is his mother?

– Make a joke of it.

JUDE

No one ever suspects the grandmother, do they?

– Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.

JUDE

Don’t just stand there, gawking. We have to get this little one somewhere safe.

——————

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah crouch lower and lower behind the couch. Sully’s eyes dart to every corner of the room, while he holds his hand over his son’s mouth. Where is it? How could my son hold onto something so dangerous?

A feeling of slime or mucus flows onto the crown of Sully’s head. Oh shit. Don’t move.

The warm, damp thing investigates his ear, The sharp serrated teeth brush along his hair. In his peripheral, the dark wet slug, intimate with Sully’s cheeks. Sully holds his breath. It knows. The slug brushes against Sully’s mouth. The teeth making an incision at his nose. Sully puffs out a breath of air.

THE THING RECOILS BACK!

Sully closes his eyes. This is it.

The sound of a struggle behind the two of them.

Sully opens his eyes. The slug is gone. Where did it go?

A hand reaches over Sully’s lips. Sully jerks against the new sensation, jumping to his feet, ready to fight!

Before him…

The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies. Instead, at her feet is Isaiah’s worm.

Sully

How…Wha…Who are you?

JUDE

(to Isaiah)

Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.

Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a laser pistol. Very illegal.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Symbol

What I learned doing this assignment is…How to be intentional with the story’s theme, and tie ideas I previously was concerned about in a nice bow tie. First of all, subtext is really freaking hard. This whole module has forced me to take creative backflips day after day. BUT, I’m confident the end result is going to be a better screenplay because of it. As for this assignment, the story’s symbol was staring me in the face from the beginning, and I had to start over and rewrite a number of the previous steps from the Horror class to come back to it. Sorry if this is a little sloppy and random. I’m creatively spent and running on little sleep. Bottom line is I learned that characters can be symbols that tie in a story’s theme in a way that makes that theme register in a clear and concise way.

Step 1. Introduce the Symbol. So, the obvious would be the aliens themselves. They already symbolize the nature of the greater danger that is the space hegemony and how authoritarianism and parasitic aliens essentially function the same way. That’s the greater symbol. For this assignment, however, a symbol is needed to connect the father and son’s relationship, because the story hinges on that to a greater extant than the political argument, which should remain in the background as purely symbolic. Therefore, the next obvious answer that connects the father and son is the mother, or at the very least something that reminds the two of the mother. However, to find that something, two questions must be answered: who was the mother, and what is her connection (if any) to the aliens? Or, perhaps the mother is something that is more reflected in the son. This is a concept I’ve already been considering for a while, and it makes sense that Sully who lost his wife would be more controlling of his son to ensure his wife lives on in some way. He only sees his Isaiah as a promise to his wife, not as an individual boy who’s coming of age. And, when he “protects” him by shoving him forward and accidentally sending him into a spore next, that’s where the story’s theme and the symbol ring loudest, as all the effort in preserving the life of his son, and by extension the memory of his wife, lead to him possibly killing his son in exactly the way he wanted to avoid in the first place.

The Theme of this story is “Controlling is Destroying.” The Hegemony controls its population to destroy itself. The aliens control their hosts to prey on victims. Sully controls information and his son. Therefore, Isaiah is the symbol. Sully announces early on that he is Isaiah’s only parent, and will keep him safe. How does he keep Isaiah safe? By controlling him to the point of killing anyone and anything that threatens his son. This culminates into Sully shoving Isaiah, and accidentally sending him into a spore nest and dooming him. Sully has to save his son not through controlling him, but through working with him and accepting him.

Finally, to help drive home the point, yes, a symbol such as the earmuffs Sully fashions for Isaiah using the headband that was his mother’s can be broken at that moment when Isaiah falls down.

FIRST SCENE

INT. SPACE COLONY – MEDICAL BAY – DAY

A small boy, ISAIAH, scrambles to get to his dad, Sully. Oblivious to the commotion around him.

ISAIAH

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

Sully sees his son and motions for him to slow down.

SULLY

Jesus, Isaiah! Watch where you’re going.

Isaiah slows down, but keeps a beeline toward Sully, as other medical workers and patients dodge the pint sized juggernaut.

ISAIAH

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…

SULLY

(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders)

What are you doing here?

ISAIAH

I made the most amazing discovery!

Isaiah doesn’t stop talking, completely ignorant of the other conversations going on.

ISAIAH

It’s so cool!

SULLY

That’s great. Tell me about it later.

(turning away)

Can I get an assistant here?

DR. MICK

Why am I surprised?

ISAIAH

I know! I know how the tunnels work! Everything! This whole colony! It’s perfect!

An ASSISTANT walks up to Sully and Isaiah.

ASSISTANT

Whatcha got?

ISAIAH

It’s all because we have to add moisture through the vents to keep it from being too dry here.

SULLY

(to Assistant)

Take him back to, to wherever he’s supposed to be. School. Take him back to school.

DR. MICK

Maybe you should join him?

ISAIAH

And because the vents have so much moisture in them, and they go to the outside—

Assistant

(to Isaiah)

Come on. This isn’t a safe place for little boys.

ISAIAH

(to Assistant)

In a minute.

(to Sully)

Dad—

SULLY

Isaiah, go back to school. It’s not safe here.

DR. MICH

Your son’s not the only reason it isn’t safe here.

ISAIAH

But, it’s not safe anywhere. Anyway, you gotta see this!

SULLY

(to Assistant)

Get him out of here.

The Assistant takes Isaiah by the arm, but Isaiah squirms and rips his arm free.

Isaiah holds himself tight, his arms wrapping around his torso like he’s in a straight jacket.

Each time the Assistant and Sully try grabbing Isaiah’s hand or arm, he pulls away, eyes fixed on the ground and humming a steady tone.

SULLY

(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders and holding him still)

Isaiah, look at me.

Isaiah hums louder, tuning out the voices and avoiding the eyes all around him.

SULLY

Look at me, Isaiah.

ISAIAH

MMHMM!

Sully

If you can’t follow basic instructions, then you don’t belong here with me.

Sully places Isaiah’s closed fist in the Assistant’s hand, pats him on the back and on his way out of the medical bay.

Isaiah pulls against the Assistant, looking back at his dad, who forces himself to look away and find something else to work on.

The Assistant looks ahead and tries to get the attention of another adult.

Assistant

Can I PLEASE get a little help?

Isaiah pulls out a tiny spray bottle from his pocket and spritzes the Assistant’s hand.

The Assistant recoils, clutching her hand.

ASSISTANT

What the hell did you just spray me with?

Too late. Isaiah is already gone.

Isaiah stampedes through the medical bay, hurling anything he can touch between him and the assistant.

He snatches a flexible bronchoscope…

And ties it to a vent…

Throws the other end over a robotic arm attached to the ceiling.

Before Sully or anyone else can get to him…

Isaiah drives the bronchoscope down, using the arm like a pulley…

SNAP!

The bronchoscope breaks.

Sully, standing over him, pins him to the ground.

Isaiah struggles.

ISAIAH

MMMMMM!

Sully

What is wrong with you! Why can’t you just be…

Sully doesn’t allow himself to finish the thought.

Isaiah relaxes, tears in his eyes, looking off into space.

Sully picks himself up and examines the broken bronchoscope.

SULLY

(calmly as can be maintained)

I want you…to go. Please, just go home.

Isaiah continues looking off.

SULLY

Look at me.

Isaiah moves his head, but can’t look his dad in the eye.

SULLY

Isaiah, I need you to listen. Look me in the eye so I know you’re listening.

Isaiah looks up at his dad, and shuts his eyes tight.

SULLY

Isaiah? Kid?

(losing it)

Look at me!

Isaiah starts laughing nervously.

Sully lets go and stands up, pulling at his hair.

Isaiah gets up.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

Do you know what you broke? It wasn’t a line. It was a tool that could let us see and remove…medical term? Stuff that gets stuck in your lungs. I can’t imagine how that might be useful.

Isaiah

I’m sorry.

Sully

I need your help, because I don’t know how to FIX YOU.

SECOND SCENE

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully rushes into his room…

To the dresser…

Opening it to his deceased wife’s untouched garments. He takes a moment before forcing himself to throw them aside, until he finds…

A headband.

Sully takes the headband and two of his wife’s shirts and runs to…

The kitchen. He pulls out two mixing spoons out of one drawer and a roll of duct tape out of another.

As fast as he can, he tapes the shirts to the ends of the mixing spoons, and then the spoons to the headband.

He bolts back for Isaiah’s room, makeshift earmuffs in hand.

He hands the earmuffs to Isaiah under the bunk.

ISAIAH

HMMMMMMM!

SULLY

Here! This is mommy’s! Mommy’s going to be here for you!

Isaiah, seeing the muffs, starts to shiny out from under the bunk, still clutching his hands to his ears.

When Isaiah’s out from under the bunk, Sully places the muffs over Isaiah’s head and hands.

Isaiah

(carefully taking his hands out from between his ears and the muffs)

Thank you, dad.

THIRD SCENE

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

The vent grate blasts off the roof as Sully, overdosed on adrenaline, tears out onto the roof, yanking Isaiah behind him.

ISAIAH

Stop!

An alien host crawls out of the vent after them.

It is beyond the point of discussion for Sully. They are getting the hell out of there.

Isaiah

YOU CAN’T GO THAT WAY!

Isaiah rages against his father’s grip like a rabbit in the clutches of a hawk’s talons, watching his father pull him into a trap.

Isaiah glances over the edge…

And bolts up and onto the railing, hoping for a chance to jump off of the roof before going down the walkway.

Sully, his sense of calm long gone and adrenaline flooding his brain, hurls Isaiah in front of him and down the ramp.

Isaiah stumbles to regain his footing…

And trips over the same spot he discovered before…

FALLING THROUGH THE WALKWAY!

Sully, seeing his son disappear, SPRINTS toward the chaos of the nest, where the boom box fell into the same hole Isaiah fell into.

Sully finds the hole…

Looking down…

And finding Isaiah with his mask broken, and his face smothered in spores.

ISAIAH

You killed me. You killed me! YOU FUCKING KILLED ME!

Sully reaches down, offering his hand – what have I done?

Isaiah stares at the hand, unsure of whether the hand belongs to someone who loves him or means him harm. He grabs hold of the hand.

Sully pulls him up, out of the pit. He takes a deep breath and holds it in, as he takes off his helmet and replaces Isaiah’s broken mask with his.

He lifts his son and runs like hell.

Behind him, the hosts are billowing out of the vent. In front of him, the worms are beginning the swarm; the deafening brown noise only calming the hive so much.

No matter – Sully beelines to the escape hatch.

He opens the hatch…

Sending Isaiah down…

With a torrent of horror closing fast on them.

INT. ESCAPE HATCH – NIGHT

Sully follows Isaiah into the hatch.

He closes the hatch door…

Onto the head of an infected!

Sully slides down the ladder, the mouth snapping shut just at the hair on top of his head.

He hits the bottom and collapses…

Looking up…

The hatch door thrown wide open, and the carnivores climbing down headfirst.

Sully dashes out the room…

Throwing the door shut behind him – fat chance of it holding.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – CONT.

He meets up with Isaiah, who’s rocking himself back and forth. His helmet’s removed and his hands are over his ears as he hums loudly. Where’re the muffs he made for him out of his wife’s old headband? Broken in half, and laying at his still small feet.

Isaiah’s eyes burn from the trickling of tears.

SULLY

(kneeling down)

Isaiah, we have to go.

ISAIAH

(shaking his head in denial)

LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!

SULLY

We don’t have time for this! Do you want me to carry you or dd you want to carry yourself!?

ISAIAH

(eyes wide, defiant)

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Sully grabs his son – the little ungrateful shit!

Isaiah squirms, not letting Sully get a good grip.

Sully grabs Isaiah’s collar and drags him along the ground, hearing the frantic foot and palm steps heading straight for them.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully, still holding onto Isaiah’s collar.

Isaiah, running back into the room, hands over his ears.

Sully barricades the door – it’ll buy a few minutes, maybe more.

He turns to face Isaiah…

Who’s not there – not again. Sully hears a door slam. He rushes for the source…

Finding the closet he originally locked Isaiah inside of.

SULLY

Oh! Now you want to stay in there!?

ISAIAH

Go away! Just save yourself like you always do!

SULLY

I was saving you! Why couldn’t you just listen to me! Why, just one time! Just—

Sully begins to break down in tears.

ISAIAH

You never listen to me! I know more about them than anyone! I’m an expert!

SULLY

You’re just a child…

ISAIAH

I’m a worm! I’ve always been just like THEM! I didn’t want to be one!

SULLY

We can’t stay here…

ISAIAH

Go away!

SULLY

Isaiah, open the door, please…

ISAIAH

You don’t care! You never cared!

SULLY

Stop it!

ISAIAH

I HATE you!

Sully stops himself, allowing the words to bite as deep as intended.

SULLY

I’m sorry. I don’t know why I push you when I know it’s a mistake. Or when I don’t push you when I should. I don’t know what I’m doing. I never have. I never…

(formulating the right words)

I miss your mother. I miss the way she understood. I miss the way she spoke. Her voice. I wish you could’ve heard it. She would know what to do. She was everything you deserved. God, I…I couldn’t do this without her. And I hate myself, more than you do, for letting an accident bar me from even trying. I’m so, so imperfect for you. But from the first time you smiled at me, I’ve never stopped loving you.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Added secondary symbol. Or primary, depending on the point of view

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Subtext Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…Well, first is that I still have to go back and fix my outline. I’m not even sure the scene I wrote will be included in the next iteration of said outline. However, if it helps me to get better at writing a scene for subtext, then…

So, aside from the temporary feeling this scene has, it does provide an opportunity to practice and discover more ways to add conflict and tension to a scene. Behind the already present, surface level conflict, the underlying subtextual conflict and trying to keep it hidden adds a hell of a lot of “edge of your seat” intrigue to a scene. Can’t wait to reassess my outline and look for more opportunities to have scenes like this one.

Also, I’ve been reading the script for IT, and comparing the 2014 and 2016 versions of the script. It’s a fascinating exercise to see how a functional and pretty decent script gets elevated in the subsequent draft by shifting some scenes around and adding subtext to other areas. I do think the the 2016 version was less scary than the 2014 version, but had a stronger plot line, better dialogue, and more cohesive rules for the titular monster. Another thing I noticed was the elimination of certain locations and changes to the blocking in certain scenes, and I imagine these changes were brought about due to either budget or preferences with the director. Still haven’t seen the movie, and I’m sure there’re still changes between the 2016 script and the final 2017 product. Point is is that I’m finding reading earlier versions of produced films to be an encouraging exercise in detaching yourself from the text, and instead focusing on the concept as a guiding light.

——————

What is the meaning of the subtext?

Sully’s cover is blown, and the man who found out is trying to kill him.

2. What is the cover up?

A plot against another person.

3. When will the meaning be revealed? Before, during or after?

Before, when Manager (Nigel) finds out that he’s been spied on.

4. How will the meaning be revealed?

When Nigel tries to kill Sully in a trap

——————

Scene Design: A plot against another person

——————

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT

NIGEL sneaks through a tidy room, the kind that makes you think of someone who’s a little OCD.

Something his employee told him has him spooked.

His hand searches for a light in the adjacent bathroom…

Fingers stroke the switch…

CLICK. A COLLAGE OF PICTURES blanket every square inch of the bathroom – walls, mirrors, countertops, parts of the floor.

As soon as the light revealed the lives of every citizen…

CLICK. Nigel backs away for a moment, back to the unassuming room. What the hell was that?

He gathers himself and…

CLICK. This time, he leaves the light on. Sixty seconds. Sixty seconds then get the hell out, before Sully comes back.

Nigel pervades the room. A voyeur’s perspective into the private lives of everyone, damning actions caught on camera, and something worse…

Evidence – Photos of Nigel making contributions and meeting with certain unknowns. A red halo over one of the pictures of him and the words “Sympathizer” are like a bolt of lightning over the man.

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS —

CLICK.

Nigel makes for the living room…

SULLY meets him. Face to face.

SULLY

Boss?

NIGEL

Ibuprofen.

SULLY

What?

NIGEL

Ibuprofen. I have a headache.

SULLY

Find any in my bathroom?

He knows! Or does he?

NIGEL

No. I, uh, didn’t make it there.

Worst. Lie. Ever.

SULLY

Ah. Well, come on. I’ll show you where they are.

Sully almost pushes Nigel back into his bedroom…

And closes the door behind him.

Nigel’s eyes dart around the room looking for…ANYTHING! Anything to fight back with.

SULLY

(heading for the bathroom)

If you don’t mind, I like to keep the door closed.

NIGEL

(sidestepping toward the lamp)

Oh yeah. Keeps the air locked in?

CLICK. Sully enters the bathroom, back turned to Nigel…

Who’s hand picks up the cordless lamp.

SULLY

(Unconcerned about the pictures surrounding him in broad view)

You got it.

Sully reaches under the sink cabinet, past the medicine…

For the charge cable.

Nigel, right behind him, lifts the lamp.

NIGEL

You always did know too much.

Nigel SWINGS!

Sully DODGES…

Rises to his feet…

And grabs Nigel’s throat.

He can’t breathe as Sully pushes him back from the door frame…

In a flash, too fast to react, Nigel finds himself at the mercy of a single leg takedown – his feet flying high.

The charge cord wraps around his neck like a starving snake, before Sully wraps the other end around the leg of his bed frame.

Nigel struggles for precious, precious air. His face bloating as he watches his employee kneel next to him.

Sully goes and locks the door. As soon as he does.

The handle jiggles.

JUDE (O.S.)

Sully? Nigel?

SULLY

Just providing some privacy for Nigel, Dr. Douglas. You understand.

JUDE (O.S.)

Since when are you the type to worry about privacy?

SULLY

Trust me, Jude. I need to make sure of something. Especially with those things still out.

Jude clutches her chest, aware of the eggs nuzzled at the bottom of her lungs. She takes a puff of her inhaler, desperate to keep the ticking clock at bay.

JUDE (O.S.)

Well, we certainly don’t want any more…infiltrations.

Sully kneels next to Nigel, whose face is beginning to turn a certain shade of red. He breathes like he’s trying to suck air through a straw.

SULLY

(whispering)

You’re right. I know too much. And that makes me the bad guy. But…

Sully begins to untie the cord.

SULLY

If you help me save my son, and do what I tell you to do, I can the good guy, just for you.

The cord slacks on Nigel’s throat. All at once a deep inhalation breaks from incessant coughing.

SULLY

Are we clear, boss?

Nigel cradles his neck, a red line still branding the skin. He gives a nod, making a deal with his very own angel of death.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…If Level 1 is about establishing the lethal unknown, and Level 2 is about shining a light on that unknown and the consequences that follow, then Level 3 is about “the cornered animal” on both sides. The monster wants to remain unknown and will act erratically now that its identity has been revealed. By extension, those fortunate enough to have survived thus far are also cornered and will act erratically to survive the monster’s wrath. There’s a dance in that third act that involves the survivors and the monster reflecting each other, whether that be through theme, literal imagery, or comparable actions. Naturally, not every horror film seems to fit this motif perfectly at face value, but when I consider the ending of ALIENS (two mothers), IT (survival), DAWN OF THE DEAD (we’re all zombies in a way), the horror, hysteria, panic and anguish are rooted to the greater thematic story being told, which is what makes those films stand out to me. Tying the carnage of the third act to theme may not be a requirement for inducing terror in an audience, but I do believe it elevates it to a lasting image, rather than simply offering a cheap moment of thrill to forgotten with the next horror romp.

In addition, as I write this, I consider the phrase “acting is reacting” and the differences between the two video games, DOOM and THE LAST OF US. Both are action games that delve into horror elements, but one only listen to the soundtrack of each respective gave to immediately distinguish the tone between the two. However, as different as the tone and themes might be, both utilize the concept of “the monster of monsters.” DOOM presents the player as a biblical force of nature which horrifying demons fear (the design of which is used less to scare the player and more to establish the scale of horror and fury the player is meant to embody). Meanwhile, THE LAST OF US presents the player as a monster in a more nuanced, contemplative sense. Both achieve their goals through characters reacting to the player. In DOOM, the demons flee in terror from you at certain points. In THE LAST OF US, Ellie and the rest of the characters in the world respond to Joel’s path of destruction with horror and disgust. The point being that not only do the actions of the monster have to be terror inducing, but that the reactions from the characters will inform the audience how we should be feeling. Does a character run stoically into the maw of death, or does a character plead for mercy from a force that delights in that character’s surrender.

To achieve Level 3 horror, the characters must be trapped and forced to fight with the same ferocity that the monster fights with. If they’re unwilling to match the monster’s nature, they will pay with their life. It’s a savage bar to meet, and while the characters may have been prepared for their moment, if one will not answer the call, then that character’s demise will spread fear amongst the rest of the group, and all are at risk of losing the fortitude needed to survive.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

MARKUS leads the team of four down the hell hall. The screams and subsequent silencing by some THING forced down throats chokes out the sound of the individual members’ own staccato hearts pounding in their ears.

One of the team members, LUIS, takes point.

LUIS

(convincing himself)

There’s more of us than there are of them.

Markus, hearing the words like the wail of some revenant come to claim him.

TEAM MEMBER

He’s right—

CHOMP!

THE TEETH TEAR INTO THE TEAM MEMBER!

TEAM MEMBER

AAAAARRRRGH!!!

BOOOM! BOOOM!!

Each member fires a volley, blasting off sections of the team member’s body and part of the monster’s ARM! The alabaster space suit now maroon and spraying blood all over the walls.

The monster leaps out from behind what was the team member…

Rearing back its arm with the exposed shards of bone unsheathed from the flesh of its forelimb…

SSSHHHNNNGG!!

THE BONE JUTS OUT THE BACK OF LUIS’ SHOULDER.

LUIS

AHHHH!! HELP ME!!

Luis, out of ammo, swings the axe blade fixed to the butt of his gun into the monster’s gut…

The pink and bloody intestines spill out of the monster…

And it DOESN’T EVEN CARE as the mouth reaches from its skull…

AND BITES INTO LUIS’ TEXTILE HELMET!!

LUIS

SOMEBODY! HELP ME!

Markus watches, frozen, at the blood pooling around the dull human teeth of the monster.

The remaining team member, CHARLOTTE, flees, instinct overwhelming her senses.

CHARLOTTE

Momma! Momma! I don’t wanna die, Momma! Please don’t let me die, Momma!

She races past the wrong door—

WHAM!

THREE MORE MONSTERS TACKLE HER!

Markus is between Luis getting his grey matter chewed up like gum, and Charlotte who’s guttural wails signal that she isn’t dying fast enough from being torn to shreds.

MARKUS

GOD, WHY!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?

What was once a colonist pulls back from Luis’ twitching corpse. The lazy eyes rolling around, but the smile tells Markus he’s next.

He swings his axe…

Through the neck of the monster!

IT’S MOUTH LUNGES FOR MARKUS’ THROAT!

Markus’ axe swings with the ferocity of a lumberjack, chopping up the mouth, the neck, everything to do with the damned upper body.

He looks up from the carnage…

And catches the three gorging on Charlotte, her body still warm and getting pulled this way and that.

She looks right at Markus, tears streaming from her eyes.

CHARLOTTE

(Mouthing)

End me.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Subtext relationship

What I learned doing this assignment is…this can be an eeny-meeny-miny-mo process, as long as the following question is answered: “How can the established element be elevated?” What I mean by this is to not go overboard in any particular direction. As I tried figuring out each subtext for my different characters, I was reminded of an anime I watched years ago, DEADMAN WONDERLAND. In it, there were plenty of plot twists and subtext reveals throughout the show, but they always came down to the same logic: so and so character was insane all along. It was disappointing and predictable at a certain point, and I lost complete faith in the writers because it was obvious they didn’t know how to create compelling characters outside of their protagonist and maybe one other character. So, as I considered my characters for this plot, the notion of a “secret identity” came up for each of them, and it got ridiculous in a hurry. Maybe the concept of “everyone’s a spy” or “everyone has a secret identity” works for television or a comedy, but whatever it would work for it risks being unbelievable in this story when you have to balance it between an alien horror monster movie with the subplot of an authoritarian space empire. So, in going back to the drawing board, I considered what I already had. I had the character Jude who was going to be a spy, but that role has shifted over to Sully (which I didn’t realize was so important to do until I considered how much stronger the character is now for a bankable actor). It would be too much for both Sully and Jude to be spies, too much extra plot to conceive of that could detract from the horror conventions. That leaves the subtext of her already being infected, which works on its own anyway. I also decided to combine the characters Dr. Douglas and Jude together in order to have another familiar face for the audience to recognize. Another character I introduced in the opening was the Manager, Sully’s boss. They have a fiery exchange, and I think it worked well before. Now that Sully is a spy for the Hegemony, it works even better, as the surface level hierarchy of Manager being over Sully and trying to have him fired is the polar opposite of the subtextual hierarchy of Sully being an official and outranking the Manager. I considered making the Manager an undercover resistance fighter, but it ruins the current plot in a couple of ways. First, too many secret identities makes us look at every character and assume they too have a secret identity, which is a precedent that may leave an audience disappointed if I don’t fulfill it. Worse is that it sets up the Manager and Sully as equals. This works if my script is supposed to be a spy movie with the Manager and Sully battling each other until the final act. But my script is a horror; different requirements. Lastly, by making them equal, I lose that original feeling of someone picking on the wrong guy (in gaming terms, it’d be like a level 10 character thinking he’s all that, and challenging someone who’s level 50. It ain’t going to go over well). I really like that disparity between the surface level conflict and the underlying reality. As far as subtext goes, however, there isn’t enough time for the Manager trying to have Sully fired to be relevant. The resistance angle works well, as it offers greater context to the politics of this version of the future, and making Manager a sympathizer to the resistance achieves both functions; he can still have the surface level and the underlying level, and the politics of this world can still be established and set up the third act and potentially future movie. What’s more is that making him a sympathizer, rather than an active agent, adds more weight to the relationship. Not only does Sully outrank his Manager as a secret government official, he also has dirt on his Manager that would not only end the Manager’s career, but potentially his life as well. Again, eeny-meeny-miny-mo process of what makes sense and/or elevates what’s already working.

——————

Sully – Is a spy who works in the medical bay as a cover, while trying to keep his Aspie son in the dark.

Isaiah – Is an Aspie who’s obsessed with the alien parasites, going so far as to keep them as pets, which he keeps hidden from his father

Manager – Is Sully’s boss for the medical bay and a resistance sympathizer who wants to get him fired.

Dr. Douglas – Is Sully’s coworker and is secretly infected.

——————

Sully investigates his son, but makes it seem like a normal father/son conversation.

Isaiah lies about and hides his alien pets from his father.

Manager makes up a family member that he donates money to. The family member is actually a resistance group on the colony.

Manager hides his affiliation with the resistance by acting overzealous, going so far as to threaten to separate Sully from Isaiah if he doesn’t clean up his act.

Sully threatens Manager back based on his affiliation with a resistance movement

Dr. Douglas gets infected:Starts using an inhaler to hide his infection

Isaiah loses his pets and tries to find them, lying to his father in the process

Sully lies about a set building background as a cover for being a highly trained spy

Manager finds out about Sully’s true identity and tries to kill him

Isaiah catches Dr. Douglas’ coughing getting worse and deduces that he’s infected. Dr. Douglas argues that as long as his lungs are kept moist, the eggs won’t hatch.

——————

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – MORNING

The glitter of a sun rising trickles into the room from a window.

KZZT. KZZT. The same window reveals itself as a screen depicting an artificial world beyond the walls of the space colony with each malfunction of static.

We pan back to see the remainder of the room – crisp, organized, more reminiscent of a hotel room than a lived in apartment.

SULLY (O.S.)

Open wide, kiddo.

ISAIAH (O.S.)

Aaaaaaaaaah.

SULLY (O.S.)

You’re fine.

ISAIAH (O.S.)

No I’m not. *cough, cough*

Sully tries looking Isaiah in the eye, but Isaiah’s eyes look in every direction except toward his father – not out of a lack of love, but out of an otherwise gripping anxiety of eye contact.

SULLY

What’s here that’s more exciting than what you’ve got going on at school today?

ISAIAH

Nothing.

SULLY

(gears turning)

Yeah. Nothing.

Sully gets up and strides toward Isaiah’s room, door closed. In fact, all of the doors are closed.

ISAIAH

Dad, wait.

SULLY

Where’s your cough?

ISAIAH

*COUGH, COUGH!*

Sully tries turning the handle. Locked.

SULLY

You locked your door?

ISAIAH

*Cough* No adults allowed. *Cough*

SULLY

(reaching above the door frame)

Mhmm.

Sully recovers a small key hiding atop the door frame.

ISAIAH

Dad!

SULLY

(plugging the key in the handle)

Isaiah, some day you’ll understand that fifty percent of a parent’s job is to assume what their teenage child tells him is bullshit.

ISAIAH

I’m not a teenager.

SULLY

Semantics. You’re old enough to act like one.

Sully opens the door with all the gravitas of someone about to catch a lie.

REEEEAAARRGH!! A flash of teeth pounce on Sully’s face.

Sully LEAPS BACK in a panic.

His eyes settle down, eyeing…

A plastic dinosaur, still sounding off an electronic roar, attached to a lever sprung up from the carpet floor.

Sully braves the unknown of his son’s Rube Goldberg Machine of a room. Everywhere different mechanisms move and flow. Nothing high tech. It’s all just appliances and toys being used as basic machines (levers, pulleys, wheels, etc.)

SULLY

(with the enthusiasm of receiving someone else’s order)

Isaiah, what the hell is all this?

ISAIAH

*Cough.*

SULLY

Okay, no more keeping the door to your room closed.

ISAIAH

Why? Your room’s always closed.

SULLY

Fair point. I don’t care.

ISAIAH

Daaaaad.

SULLY

Listen. This is all very impressive. I wish school was half as interesting for someone as smart as you.

ISAIAH

They’re still stuck on the FOIL method! I have half of the formulas memorized at this point!

SULLY

However, comma—

ISAIAH

I’ll go.

SULLY

Attaboy.

Sully and Isaiah exit his room. Isaiah looks behind him, like he’s checking something.

SULLY

Hey.

ISAIAH

Yeah, dad?

SULLY

(squeezing him a little tighter)

I love you.

ISAIAH

Love you too, dad.

Under Isaiah’s bed, dark and unobserved, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Subtext Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is…Make the subtext connected to the plot and themes. Going into this assignment, I wanted to take another look at my protagonist, Sully, and see if there was another dimension I could connect him to with the aliens. For example, could one of Sully’s subtexts be related to him trying to cover up some involvement with the aliens, similar to the subtext given to Jude? After brainstorming for a while with that particular subtext logline, I developed a subtext conflict between Sully and Isaiah: One wants to destroy his past, while the other wants to preserve it. That was a breakthrough for this story, and it made too much sense to not use it and allow it to elevate the whole story (I have a rule for writing that when something makes too much damn sense, it’s better to use that something than make excuses not to). Luckily, I held off writing much of the scenes involving Jude until we could get to this module, which means I can completely rework a portion of my outline without it impacting most of the scenes I’ve already written.

Character Name: Sully

Subtext Identity: Spy who is a reluctant father

Character Traits: Loving, Controlling, Confrontational, Protective

Subtext Logline: Sully is a Spy who Covers up the Hegemony’s involvement with the aliens

Possible areas of subtext: Confronts others to keep the attention on him more than what he’s covering up. Dismisses Isaiah to keep him away from the work he’s doing. Locks away and destroys evidence to prevent others from coming to know the aliens better.

Character Name: Isaiah

Subtext Identity: Aspie who is obsessed with studying the aliens

Character Traits: Obsessive, Awkward, Hiding, Problem Solver

Subtext Logline: Isaiah is a self made expert on the aliens who hides his research from his controlling father.

Possible areas of subtext: Hides his “pets” from his father, Lies about how he knows so much about the aliens, Fights his father to protect the aliens that are trying to kill them

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Great Subtext Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…There’s more than one way to include the audience in on your story. There’s a feeling you get when you know something’s poorly written. Finding out how to write poorly written dialogue must be a difficult a skill to learn as it is contingent upon the writer knowing how to develop good dialogue. I compared what I was reading with a side mission from the video game BORDERLANDS 2, where you listen to a Grandma Flexington recite a play she’d written. Of course, it’s terrible, and one of the main reasons for its poor quality is that the characters Grandma Flexington voices say EXACTLY what’s on their mind. This is bad for two reasons. One is that no one on GOD’s green earth talks like that, not even in therapy or in a court house. Second is that it only exists if the writer assumes the audience is too stupid to understand their story otherwise.

In reading both STEVE JOBS and IT, as well as THE PURGE, there’s definitely a different felt quality in the way these different writers develop their characters and the characters’ dialogue. THE PURGE and RON’S GONE WRONG suffer from a similar problem in that the writer created characters to voice the writer’s own opinions, which made for shallow dialogue that didn’t invite the audience to explore anything deeper than what could just as easily been communicated through a Twitter post. Compare that with the dialogue in IT, and each character has something else going on beneath the surface. Will’s parents are hide their grief through stonewalling, the Rabbi is talking to Stan like he’s his own son, and Pennywise gives empty promises to lure in it’s prey. With STEVE JOBS, much of the dialogue can be boiled down to a single question, “Are the little things worth obsessing over?” The script doesn’t directly answer this question, but it does invite us to explore the question as it relates to the titular character/person, who was adopted. The script even includes a scene early in the story that calls attention to the fact that children who’re adopted tend to outperform those who weren’t. Steve making such a big deal about each little minute detail may seem counterproductive to the rest of us, but to Steve he is a little detail that his biological parents weren’t willing to obsess over, and every time someone argues in their own way that the little things don’t matter, Steve takes it upon himself to fight for those little things with the relentlessness he wishes his biological parents were willing to fight for him. Now, Aaron Sorkin could come out and make that observation clear as day, writing Steve to literally say in the script “I have issues stemming back from when I was given up by my biological parents, and I push people away when I feel like they’re giving up on the little things, which to me the little things are a representation of who I was as a wee baby.” But, that would not only be surface level dialogue, but it also would signify that Aaron doesn’t think the audience is smart enough to get it otherwise. Luckily, Aaron has respected the audience for years, and sums up that whole atrocious, surface level monologue with Steve telling his daughter after she confronts him, “I am poorly made.” In addition, that line “I am poorly made” invites further interest into who Steve Jobs was, and what his journey might say about us.

Script chosen: STEVE JOBS

STEVE’s on stage in front of a giant screen showing changing slides that reflect whatever he’s mentioning at the moment. He’s dressed in dark jeans, a white shirt buttoned up to the neck and a black sport jacket. On a small table, which is in the dark at the moment, sits a computer under a dark silk sheet.

STEVE’s loose and having a good time with the hundred or so employees in the audience who are revved up for the big morning.

STEVE

A fast modem and also a 4MB IrDA built in. You wanna beam your digital photographs from your digital camera? It’s built in to every product.

(to his employees)

Check it out–no notes, no note cards–ready?

(back to it and faster now to play with the employees in the house)

We’re going to the new generation of IO–12Mb USB, two ports–we’re leaving the old Apple IO behind. Stereo Surround Sound built in to every product, a great keyboard and the coolest mouse you’ve ever seen. This time we used real mice.

(NOTE: This is obviously practice, and the jokes and easygoing nature of Steve contrast with the Steve we’ve seen in previous scenes. This time, he’s more calm, self assured, confident. Similar to the presentation for the new iMac, he’s been in this business now for so long that it’s comparable to a stroll in the park for anyone else.)

JOANNA

(calling to the stage)

We’re opening the house in 10 minutes, Steven, you want to stop horsing around?

STEVE

Bless my eyes, that’s Steve Wozniak sitting out there.

(NOTE: Steve’s ignoring of Joanna here is similar to much of it throughout this script. Steve’s time comes before anyone else’s.)

The APPLE employees give him a cheer and WOZ gives a sheepish wave.

STEVE (CONT’D)

Give yourselves a treat and ask Woz if he happens to have the correct time.

(NOTE: Another way of saying “Go meet my friend and an amazing person.)

JOANNA

I have the correct time and we’re running out of it. “A great keyboard.”

(NOTE: Joanna talking back. “Stay on track and wrap it up. Contrary to what you believe, the world doesn’t revolve around you.”)

STEVE

A great keyboard and the coolest mouse you’ve ever seen. This is what those things look like today.

(NOTE: “Those things” implying a certain disgust with hardware that Steve considers outdated.)

On the screen flashes a picture of a bulky PC. Some people in the rehearsal audience who are seeing the full production for the first time laugh.

STEVE (CONT’D)

And now I’d like to show you what they’re going to look like tomorrow. This is the iMac.

STEVE yanks the dark silk sheet off an iMac as a pool of perfect light comes up on the table.

CHEERS and APPLAUSE from the APPLE EMPLOYEES.

STEVE clicks the mouse and the screen shows a lightning fast succession of applications complete with a heart-racing percussion score–

–after which the screen fills with the words “Hello (again).”

The hundred or so people sitting and standing around out in the house CLAP AND CHEER.

STEVE (CONT’D) (pause)

That was cool. Why did I like that better than I usually do?

JOANNA

I don’t know.

(NOTE: Code for “Move it along.” It’s a continuation of the conflicts going back to the beginning of the script between “Even the littlest things make big impacts” and “The littlest things (like having a computer say “Hello”) aren’t worth obsessing over.”)

STEVE

Something was different.

ANDREA CUNNINGHAM, the publicist from the Mac launch, is standing at the foot of the stage–

ANDREA

Hey stupid.

(NOTE: Not a normal thing to say to a stranger. The only options are “This is a good friend where the relationship goes way back” or “This is a rival that want’s to tear you down.”)

STEVE looks at her–

STEVE (pause)

I think she’s talking to one of you guys.

(NOTE: Playing along.)

ANDREA

Did you notice a difference?

STEVE

That’s what I’m–the exit signs were off!

ANDREA

Full blackout.

STEVE

You did it.

ANDREA

We wired all the exit lights to our board, they go out for seven seconds with the cue and come back on again in theory.

(NOTE: Andrea’s whole MO in this bit is “look at what a badass I am. Did you notice?”)

STEVE

We think that’s legal?

(NOTE: Steve doesn’t really care if it is or isn’t. This is giving praise or showing that he’s impressed. For once, someone is willing to cast aside the rules just like he is, even for something so small, yet so vital as a total blackout.)

ANDREA

No, we’re very certain it’s not. You want to see some quotes?

(NOTE: Almost bragging. Shifting the conversation down the road to more positive vibes.)

JOANNA

Let’s hold off on those.

(NOTE: Joanna wants to stay on topic, and not get carried away with patting everyone on the back before the REAL presentation takes place.)

ANDREA

He’ll like ‘em.

JOANNA shakes her head “no.”

ANDREA (CONT’D)

(to STEVE)

I’ll give ‘em to you later.

STEVE

I’ll take ‘em now.

STEVE takes a couple of stapled pieces of paper from ANDREA and as ANDREA turns around she mouths “I’m sorry” to JOANNA while JOANNA says–

JOANNA

Pick it up from there please, we only have a couple of minutes so let’s just do the 360.

STAGE MANAGER

It’s Cue 84, right where we are, you’re bringing out the camera.

STEVE (presenting again)

We’re gonna bring out a wireless camera we stole from Panasonic and show you what this looks like.

(NOTE: Whether Steve actually stole a camera or not is irrelevant. He’s name dropping and using a certain type of humor to draw the audience in.)

A CAMERA OPERATOR with a camera on his shoulder comes out from the wings and circles the iMac, showing a 360 degree picture on the big screen as STEVE describes and points to what we’re looking at.

STEVE (CONT’D)

The whole thing is translucent, you can see into it.

(calling out)

How’s that for a compromise, Woz? You still can’t get into it but you can see into it.

(NOTE: A joke with his old friend. This is less about the computer and more about building back the bridge between them. The uncompromising Jobs is compromising in his own way, and revealing this with one of the oldest arguments the two of them have had.)

WOZ

(calling back)

Fair enough.

(NOTE: Woz responding with an “I see you and accept.)

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…Again, I felt like I already had a good grasp of these emotions and how to communicate them when coming into this lesson. But, in looking for the breakthroughs, I decided to read the script for IT to get a better understanding. It does an amazing job with its emotional description. There’re a number of notes that can’t necessarily be shot, but it strikes an eerie and horrifying tone. Again, I avoided horror movies prior to this course, and the opening with Georgie being devoured by the clown is one of the most horrifying things I’ve read in a script. Reading the line “George takes one last fatal step forward,” made me want to scream at the pages and have a talk with my son about saying “no” to strangers. And that one line came before anything was truly revealed. While the ramifications of that step won’t be known when watching the shot of it on film, the dramatic irony felt by the audience is palpable; we know clowns don’t live in the sewer, and we know this little boy doesn’t know better. We’re just watching him, helpless, as he walks to his slaughter like the sheep in the following scene.

I’ve also been watching some of “Filmento’s” takes on different horror movies as well, particularly the ones he says “failed.” In tying in the lessons from those YouTube video essays with this assignment, I realized there were a couple of ways to elevate some of the emotions I already had, and really capture those senses of suspense, dread, and fear. For example, one of the through lines for much of the suspense in the story relies on the dramatic irony of the audience knowing something bad happened in the bunker, while the protagonist isn’t aware. However, the protagonist’s complete ignorance doesn’t invite us to feel the dread or suspense he feels. In other words, while I believe in the greater structure of my story and how it utilizes these emotions, when we get into the nitty gritty, the emotions that play on a micro level still need to be present and frequently used to take my audience on a journey worth a $30+ trip to the movie theater. This is especially true for any story taking place in a world that we don’t know all of the rules to, like the future. The audience has to be clued in on the inherent risks through character conflict and description, like the scene from ALIEN where Ripley argues with the Nostromo crew about whether or not to bring in an infected member of the crew. We’re presented with stakes and invited to engage in that argument. Compare that with IT, where we do understand 1980’s America, and there wasn’t a sudden uprising of sewer clowns back then, which is part of why that opening and later appearances of Pennyworth work so well, because we can easily compare what should happen with what’s happening before our very eyes. If the Level 1 emotions were about setting a tone and curating an environment of the lethal unknown, then Level 2 emotions are about shining a light on that unknown and making the characters (by extension, us) answer life and death questions as a consequence.

INT. HANGAR

MARKUS waits his turn in line. A MOTHER and CHILD stand in front of a desk with a SOLDIER behind it. A long 3-D printer runs the length of the desk, with a feeder of materials sitting on the floor next to the desk.

MOTHER

This is a mistake! This is my son!

The soldier refuses to make eye contact with the mother.

SOLDIER

Mam, we’ve been through this. He is not your son.

MOTHER

He is! So what if he’s adopted!?

The child starts to cry.

CHILD

Mamma, what does adopted mean?

SOLDIER

Only biological parents are exempt. Now get out of line and report to your post.

MOTHER

He’s my son! I’ve raised him from birth! You have all of the papers!

Two other soldiers come to the line. They pry the child from his mother.

CHILD

Mamma! Mamma!

The mother is dragged away by one soldier, as the other soldier takes the kicking and screaming child.

MOTHER

You can’t do this!

SOLDIER

Next!

Markus, wide eyed, steps forward.

SOLDIER

Name and bunk number?

Markus

What’ll happen to them?

SOLDIER

Your name and bunk number, civilian.

MARKUS

Markus Smirnov. Bunk–

SOLDIER

And your bunk number?

MARKUS

Bunk 67A.

The soldier scans his book, makes a couple notes and stamps several documents.

MARKUS

Excuse me, I’m a holy man.

SOLDIER

Do you have a ‘biological’ child, or are you disabled?

Markus opens his mouth to answer.

SOLDIER

Adopted children will not be identified as your own.

MARKUS

No.

SOLDIER

No what?

MARKUS

No. No kids, and–

SOLDIER

And, you’re obviously not disabled. You’re on exterminator duty.

What looks like a double-barrel shotgun, with an axe blade on the butt of the gun and a handle running the length of the barrel finishes printing from the 3-D printer and slides out toward Markus on a moving shelf.

SOLDIER

This is a short range pulse blaster. You will not refer to it by any other name.

Markus, a priest, takes the weapon carefully, as though it may actually bite him. Prays – Dear GOD, what am I doing?

MARKUS

Isn’t this illegal?

SOLDIER

No. Guns are illegal. This is a short range pulse blaster.

MARKUS

I swore an oath.

SOLDIER

(ignoring)

You kill aliens with it. Keep it pointed at the ground at all times. If you see an alien, get up close and make sure you don’t shoot your comrades.

The Soldier waves for Markus to step up to a yellow line. A torn up dummy stands about a yard away.

SOLDIER

Remember to keep it pointed at the ground. From the line to the dummy is how close you want to be before taking aim. Aim down the sights.

Markus aims down the sights of the gun.

SOLDIER

You have one shot. You will not be equipped with more until the moment you’re deployed. Now, fire.

Markus pulls the trigger.

The shotgun kicks back and almost knocks Markus on his ass.

A plume of rock and smoke explodes from the dummy.

SOLDIER

Congratulations. You’ve been adequately trained to fight aliens.

A tactical space suit finishes printing on the Soldier’s desk. The Soldier takes out the space suit from the printer and an ear piece from a cardboard box under the desk and hands both to Markus.

SOLDIER

Place the ear piece in now.

Markus obeys.

SOLDIER

Please no sudden moves as the ear piece calibrates.

VOICE (O.S.)

(in the earpiece)

You’re one to follow instructions well.

Markus freezes.

The soldier nods, knowing.

SOLDIER

Please report to section 43-Alpha.

Markus walks away, stunned.

In the background, other conversations are overheard similar to the one Markus just encountered, with other titles being given, including exterminator, weapon printer, cleaner, and exempt from civic duty.

VOICE (O.S.)

You would do well to follow these next instructions. You have been given one more shot in your short range pulse blaster. Be on the lookout for mutineers. Your earpiece has a camera on it. We will know if you come into contact with a mutineer. We will know if you do not do your civic duty and retaliate against a mutineer.

Markus sees Apollo, blaster strapped over his back, in the section he’s shuffling toward.

VOICE (O.S.)

If you catch any dissenters, we expect you to continue to do the right thing.

APOLLO

Markus.

Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.

APOLLO

Over here.

MARKUS

Apollo, I’m glad to see you.

APOLLO

Same.

(whispering)

Listen—

MARKUS

I’ve been meaning to tell you, I had this dream. I know we don’t usually dream in cryo sleep. It’s supposed to be impossible. Doesn’t matter. You know what happened?

APOLLO

Keep your voice down.

MARKUS

There were two brothers and a king.

APOLLO

Markus, listen—

MARKUS

The king would execute both brothers, unless one was willing to…to, um…

APOLLO

Yeah, but that’s not how the fuckin’ story ends, innit?

MARKUS

Excuse me?

Apollo grabs Markus by the shoulders.

APOLLO

The two brothers caved the fuckin’ king’s head in for their troubles.

MARKUS

GOD, tell me what to do.

APOLLO

Listen. I’m your fuckin’ prophet, and we’re gonna cap these tyrannical bastards before we fight for them.

VOICE (O.S.)

You know what to do.

The drone of the room is interrupted by gunshots and screams coming from another section.

APOLLO

It’s not time?

Markus catches a glimpse of a soldier holding an earpiece to his ear. The soldier starts walking toward him and Apollo.

Markus pushes Apollo out of the crowd.

APOLLO

What’re you doing?

MARKUS

(forcing the words out of his mouth)

You…You’re a mutineer.

Realization washes over Apollo’s face, his eyes screaming in horror.

Markus tries raising the blaster, which feels like it weighs five times heavier in his hands than when he first received it.

Apollo makes a reach for the blaster…

And tries to rip it out of Markus’ hands.

APOLLO

Let it go, Markus.

MARKUS

(fighting to hold onto the blaster)

You’re a mutineer.

Apollo trips up Markus, sending him to the ground.

APOLLO

(mounting Markus)

What’re you talking about? I was just—

KERPLOW!!

Apollo lands a few feet away with an ugly flop.

Markus leaps to his feet, and upon seeing the body, drops the blaster to the ground. His hands fold into a prayer as his eyes will the gaping, cauterized hole in Apollo’s chest closed, but to no avail. The body that was once Apollo lays still and dead.

The SOLDIER walks up and hands the blaster back to Markus.

SOLDIER

Very good.

Markus accepts the blaster without thinking, his eyes still transfixed on the man he murdered.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…to be more aware of what emotions I want to use. I haven’t seen THE PURGE, but decided to read the first act to see how the writer used these three emotions. It’s interesting, because I didn’t notice a lot of the “Surprise” emotion being used, but did see opportunities for the director and cinematographer to build them into a shoot. The other thing I noticed is how long the writer allows tension to build. While I think the premise (as it’s presented) is ridiculous from an economics and political sense, the notion that everyone can be your worst nightmare in a matter of hours does at least create the intrigue to read on, and the built in undertone is very similar to SCREAM, where we are engaged in uncovering who might want to kill the family we’re following. I’d be curious to know how this script would work at a faster, more kinetic pace, as it’s primary strategy seems to be to linger as long as possible, let the tension build to a boiling point, then explode with excitement and horror, before starting the process over again (I’m writing this not knowing how the story proceeds after page 40, so I’m unsure if the writer continues this method or not).

Comparing that to my story where the intent from day 1 was to floor the gas peddle from beginning to end, and the end result is more akin to an action story than the slow burn of dread. I also watched Tyler Mowry’s take on the film in his video “Fixing THE PURGE,” and I have to agree with a lot of his findings, especially when considering the lack of subtext present in the first act. If I had to guess, the original writer’s political beliefs were placed at the forefront of the story decisions, rather than the character arcs and interpersonal conflicts that would’ve made for a stronger narrative. I understand I’m venturing a little further away from the original lesson on level 1 horror emotions, and maybe I’m doing so to justify my fast paced opening.

Still, in trying to uncover more of a breakthrough in this lesson, I am finding a better awareness of how to use each individual emotion to create a more varied experience, while also discovering the necessity for conflict and subtext for a more enjoyable and engaging experience, so that we’re not just watching characters react to a situation, but joining them in their personal quests that reveal who they are. I already use anticipation (foreshadowing) and shock (consequences/minor twists with meaning) in a lot of my work. Surprise, not so much. I’ll be sure to build in more instances of surprise, or, at the very least, instances that a director/cinematographer can use to keep an audience on their toes, aside from the required layers of intrigue, conspiracy, and subtext that keep us wanting to know more.

Scene(s) Chosen:

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

A family of three argue to get their very sick teenage son into the bunker with them. The mother and father argue about the virtue of protocol at the expense of humanity, and a doctor who knows the family vouches for them.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, after their son passes out. The doctor starts administering treatment, telling the other scared colonists that it’s just a bad case of pneumonia, and that some people’s lungs struggle with the artificial air, and that this has been the case with the teenager for months now.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER EXTERIOR – DAY

The family of three sneak through the interior of the crowd. The teenager tries his best to hold back his cough.

A hand lunges out…

and DRAGS the TEENAGER out of the flow of traffic.

TEENAGER

Mom! AAGHCK! AACHGK!

The MOTHER and FATHER fight through the crowd to get to their son.

MOTHER

(to Teenager)

It’s okay baby!

(to GUARD holding Teenager)

He’s just sick.

GUARD

(holding the teen in an armlock)

It’s just proto—

MOTHER

I know you’re going to say “It’s just protocol.” Well, let me tell you something—

GUARD

(walking away with the teen)

Please move along.

FATHER

(Grabbing ahold of the teen’s freehand)

Not without Andrew.

The mother catches sight of a familiar face in the crowd: the teenager’s physician, DR. MICK.

MOTHER

(waving him down)

Dr. Mick! Dr. Mick!

Dr. Mick catches sight of the family and hurries toward them.

DR. MICK

Sir? Sir!

GUARD

No, it’s not happening.

DR. MICK

Listen here you inhuman lemming. This is my patient.

GUARD

I have a hundred people I have to watch for. Shove it doc!

Dr. Mick rummages through his bag. He pulls out a syringe, still wrapped in its container.

DR. MICK

(Holding up the syringe)

Do you know what this is? I’m sure you do, and you know I’m sworn under oath on this godforsaken planet to administer it at the first sight of trouble. Now this is my patient, not yours, and you will leave this poor sick boy in my care!

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three and Dr. Mick squeeze their way into the bunker.

The teenager staggers in his parents’ arms, coughing violently and struggling for air, before…

He collapses – limp.

Mother and Father carry their baby boy to the center of the bunker.

They lay him down. Other COLONISTS notice how sick the teenager is.

COLONIST 1

Wait! What’s he doing here!?

COLONIST 2

He’s sick!

COLONIST 3

They let a sick person in!

Dr. Mick, annoyed, rummages through his bag for supplies. One is a breathing mask and the other item is a syringe.

DR. MICK

Don’t worry!

MOTHER

(seeing the syringe)

That’s not it, is it!?

DR. MICK

It’s a diuretic. It’ll help with the fluid in his lungs. Dry them right out.

Dr. Mick gives the teenager the injection before placing the breathing mask over the teen’s mouth and nose.

COLONIST 1

Get him out of here! He could be infected!

DR. MICK

If by infected, you uneducated twit, you mean pneumonia, then yes! Some people on this floating rock struggle with the artificial air, especially kids. This one has had a bad case of it for months now!

The teenager’s cough subsides and he breathes peacefully.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The teenager’s eyes flash wide open!

His diaphragm convulses and erupts into a deafening bark. Blood sprays with each cough against the plastic breathing mask.

Dr. Mick, seeing the blood, is struck with horror at the knowledge of what’s coming.

DR. MICK

(pulling out the plastic wrapped syringe)

No, no, no, this isn’t happening.

The mother sees what Dr. Mick is doing and freaks out.

MOTHER

Stop! What’re you doing!?

DR. MICK

He’s infected!

The colony starts up in a panic. Screams are heard everywhere.

Father grabs Mother, holding her back as she fights against him.

MOTHER

Let go of me, Sean! He’s going to kill my baby!!

FATHER

Honey, it’s too late! Listen, it’s too late.

MOTHER

Fuck you! That’s our son!

Dr. Mick, ignoring the two, prepares the syringe, as the poor teenager shakes from having his lungs rended from the inside.

Then, he stabs the syringe into the back of the teenager’s lungs, and injects the full solution.

In moments, the teenager is limp – dead.

The mother pulls off the blood soaked breathing mask.

MOTHER

Baby! Baby!?

Dr. Mick pulls out another syringe, holding the sharp point to his jugular.

DR. MICK

I think we did it in time. I’m sure we did it in time.

Suddenly, the teen vomits up a torrent of blood…

While his jaw opens wider and wider…

CRACKING…

And the seams of his mouth tearing to where the broken jaw bone meets the cranium.

The syringe punctures Dr. Mick’s neck, and injects the full solution.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Horror Outline Version 1

What I learned doing this assignment is…this is a unique way to set up an effective outline, specific to the genre of Horror. Putting it into the context of the tracks that preceded this, Horror has a lot of similarities with the Action genre. The emphasis is on telling a story through action set pieces, and in the case of horror, it’s the same thing, but with a twist of horror. I think one of things I’ve really started to appreciate about this genre is how it fills my personal need to see the average joe take on impossible odds and face very real consequences. It’s a similar thrill ride to many action movies, but the action in horror appears to be handled better on a more consistent basis. And it’s not because the special effects, stunts, or unique action is any better than what the action genre offers. Far from it! What the horror genre does get right, however, is that sense of stakes that’s often missing from action nowadays.

OPEN WIDE

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Following an establishing shot/montage of an alien solar system and a space colony on another planet, we flash forward to the carnage painting the walls of the space colony maroon.

Sully carries his son, Isaiah (about 8-12 years old), who is coughing uncontrollably. A spaceman tries to shoot Sully and Isaiah, but Sully is quick enough to hit him in the head with a baseball bat that has two nailers attached to the end of it.

Sully hides with his son as more spacemen approach, and apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – MEDICAL BAY – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working with a team of other doctors. He saves the life of one of the workers who was injured.

Isaiah sneaks into the medical bay and tries to tell his dad about a “new discovery” he’s made. Sully tells him he needs to go back to his class, before requesting an assistant to escort Isaiah back.

Isaiah sneaks off from the escort to demonstrate an exploit in the space colony, but in the process he breaks an irreplaceable medical device. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive, before Sully is called into his manager’s office.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get himself and his child under control. An alarm goes off warning of aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

A family of three argue to get their very sick teenage son into the bunker with them. The mother and father argue about the virtue of protocol at the expense of humanity, and a doctor who knows the family vouches for them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully finds Isaiah hiding in a corner with his eyes closed and his hands over his ears, while making noises to tune out the siren. Sully tries grabbing him by the hand, but as soon as Isaiah’s hand leaves his ear, exposing him to the loud sound of the siren, he runs away and hides again.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, after their son passes out. The doctor starts administering treatment, telling the other scared colonists that it’s just a bad case of pneumonia, and that some people’s lungs struggle with the artificial air, and that this has been the case with the teenager for months now.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully takes a headband out of his deceased wife’s drawer (untouched for weeks) and fashions earmuffs with it. He gives it to Isaiah. Isaiah doesn’t want to be carried, but Sully picks him up anyway so they can get to the bunker faster.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late, with Isaiah still trying to get out of Sully’s grip. Sully is pissed off with Isaiah and punches the bunker door, fracturing one of the bones in his hand.

He lets Isaiah know as calmly as he can that they’ll have to work together to make it out alive.

Isaiah tells Sully he has a plan, but that Sully has to stop running or carrying him.

An adult alien worm (about 15 feet long) breaks through of a vent and slithers after them. Sully RUNS with Isaiah in tow, ignoring Isaiah’s previous suggestion. Isaiah kicks and tries to escape.

Sully darts into a room where they find a stranger who’s hiding from his loved one who’s an alien host. Isaiah tries to say something about the aliens’ weakness, but when Sully hushes him, Isaiah creates a distraction that draws the worms and host away.

The stranger makes a run for it and escapes from his loved one, but is subsequently infected by a worm slithering down his throat.

Sully and the other tenant try to stop the newly infected monster, but it uses its broken bones as shivs and kills the tenant, before eating her.

Sully uses Isaiah’s strategy and gets out of the apartment and manages to lock the aliens behind the front door.

More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, Jude, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker, takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner/tool room of Jude’s apartment, and slam the door on the aliens. Sully goes to work make-shifting a weapon, and to his surprise Jude pulls out a laser gun from a safe. The two fight off the hostile aliens, and Jude doesn’t miss a single shot.

Isaiah tries catching and protecting the worms from his dad, asking that he listen to what he has to say. Sully declines to listen and kills the worms with prejudice.

Sully – “You don’t have a say! You do what I say, when I say it, or else! That’s how we’re going to get through this!”

Sully and Jude fortify the apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Jude comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony (the government entity that presides over the space colony).

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger, Markus, wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. He meets Apollo, another passenger, when he accidentally steps on Markus’ head.

Markus recoils, and it nearly leads to Apollo falling. But, Markus is able to catch and save him.

INT. SPACE SHIP – FEEDING PEN

Markus and Apollo learn with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why Jude isn’t in the bunker. Jude reveals that she was infected on her way to the bunker, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do. Isaiah hypothesizes about a way to “cure” Jude, but she assures that there’s nothing that can be done.

Jude – “You know how they work, don’t you? Their eggs grow like a fungus from back on Earth. At the end of her cycle, the queen burrows deep and her eggs grow out of her in any confined space, whether it be a cave, a tree hollow…or a space colony. Then, the fungal eggs are carried on the wind, or ventilation system, and breathed deep by a new host, where they’ll grow in less than an hour, so that GOD knows how many worms hatch from inside you, and take over your body like it’s their shell to go hunting with.”

INT. SPACE SHIP – LOADING CORRIDOR

Apollo wants to start a mutiny, but Markus wants to lay low and hidden.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens.

Isaiah wants to find a way to keep her alive, but Sully helps her take a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

Jude – “It’s funny, you know. There used to be a natural predator to these monsters, but we wiped them all out when we started terraforming the planet. Somehow, the worms survived and are thriving now more than nature ever intended. Now any new space colony risks an outbreak. But you know our government will never own up to their mistakes. Terraforming is expensive, and we’ve just put too much into this planet to stop now.”

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. Apollo is caught, along with other mutineers.

Markus is forced, along with several other passengers, to execute the mutineers, including Apollo.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.

Isaiah asks to help, saying he knows more about the aliens and how to handle them than his dad.

Sully lures Isaiah into a closet and locks him inside to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully inches across the roof of the enclosed space colony in a ventilation suit. He has to walk through an alien spore nest on his way to the bunker.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to escape from his closet. He gathers rope and some tools from the tool room, and a spare ventilation suit.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah uses his obsessive knowledge of the aliens to calm their swarming, as he crosses blindfolded through their spore nest. He trips over a weak point his dad came across, but he’s able to crawl the rest of the way.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully uses the grinder to open a hole into the bunker. When he drops down into the bunker, he discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family.

The hosts attack him on all fours and lash out with their jaws that separate from their skulls with the worm’s body attaching the two.

He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping the rope for him. Dad climbs up the rope that’s anchored to the vent, through the use of the power tools Isaiah brought.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad.

Stressed about the hosts still tailing them, Sully pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, leading to Isaiah’s mask breaking and his breathing in alien spore eggs.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host on his way back inside the colony, but is unable to seal the way inside.

The hundred or so monsters that were contained in the bunker, are now able to run freely throughout the colony.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, but expresses remorse about pushing Isaiah into the nest.

Sully – “I knew it was there. How could I forget? Why did I push you when I knew it was a mistake!?”

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Exterminators arrive in force to eliminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can.

Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of exterminators and aliens alike.

While the two are surrounded, Sully apologizes to his son and asks him to help by using his knowledge of escape routes to get them to a medical bay aboard the exterminator’s vessel.

A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into an exterminator.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but exterminators find and chase after the two.

Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse.

With nowhere else to hide, the two run as fast as they can to the Medical Bay, with Sully using his makeshift weapon against the exterminators by aiming for their hands and guns, until his nailer-bat is out of ammo.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and exterminators try to break in to kill the two.

Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours bleach over the hatching worms, killing them.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as exterminators and military personnel break in. Markus is among them.

Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer orders the execution of the father and son.

Markus uses his weapon and shoots the officer. He and the other exterminators form a wall around Sully, setting the stage for a revolution.

INT. PASSENGER’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

Markus gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out about the Hegemony.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Journey Track

What I learned doing this assignment is…First thing I had to do coming into this assignment was change the opening for both Sully and Isaiah to help make sense of later points in the script; it’s more believable that a pulmonologist have experience and creativity with power tools than for a construction worker to successfully pull off a bronchoscopy for his so. I was trying to avoid that exact procedure, but everything else I’ve found involves a strong likelihood of death for the patient. Sooooo…

In addition, I felt like I had to justify Isaiah’s understanding of basic mechanics that comes into play later.

Beyond that, going through this process was helpful in identifying the specific horror traits required for each character. I’m still new to this, so a lot of my characters are inspired more from the thriller and action genres than they are from horror. This was especially noticeable when I tried to fill in the blanks for Jude. I think I have most of the characters at a good starting point. I look forward to incorporating more of the horror and fear into their characters throughout this process.

Sully

A. What is their Character Profile?

Role: Survivor / Protagonist

Traits: Inventive, Controlling, Loving

Fears: Seeing another loved one die

Wants/Needs : Wants to get himself and his son to safety / Needs for he and his son to understand each other.

Likability / Rooting factors: He’s a smart-ass, confident, and doesn’t know how to quit. Will always find a way.

How they react under stress: Takes complete control. Default aggressive mindset.

Relationship with other characters: Cracks jokes, but keeps people at a distant from his son. Extremely protective of his son, and will sacrifice everything to keep him safe.

B. What is their Character Journey for this story?

Character Intro: Like an episode of HOUSE. A catastrophic failure comes up, and he’s the best man to fix it. Also has a problematic relationship with his son.

Denial: Goes to get his son instead of heading straight to the bunker. Tries to comfort his son before just picking him up and carrying him.

Their reaction at first horror: Pick son up and run like hell. Think his way out of the problem.

Relation to group after first horror: Put them at a distance, or take charge. Listens and follows his son’s lead so far as it keeps him out of harm’s way.

How they fight back: Makeshifts a weapon using a baseball bat, nailers, and power tools. Covers his spacesuit in bleach, uses his pulmonologist skills to extract eggs. Exposes state secrets implicating the state’s coverup.

End Point: Saves son, and is sent off world to bring about revolution.

What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? You have to work together to survive.

Isaiah

A. What is their Character Profile?

Role: Survivor / Expert on the monster

Traits: Obsessive, Scientific, Gentle

Fears: He can’t be loved

Wants/Needs : Wants to help everyone survive. Needs to know his dad will love him no matter what.

Likability / Rooting factors: Extremely smart kid. Handles the monsters like Steve Irwin handled crocs.

How they react under stress: Covers ears and hums loudly. Kicks and screams.

Relationship with other characters: Outgoing but quirky. Can’t help but talk about aliens, even when no one else wants to.

B. What is their Character Journey for this story?

Character Intro: Excited about a “discovery,” that could “save everyone.” Pulls a prank with some basic mechanics and gets in serious trouble.

Denial: Hides and tunes out the alarm like it’s any other loud sound.

Their reaction at first horror: Try to outsmart it and save both people and the aliens.

Relation to group after first horror: I want to say “become an exposition dump,” because that’s what Aspies do (I am one, I do this, and it drives my wife nuts), but that sounds like a cop out. So let’s go with…Share knowledge and form a plan.

How they fight back: Isaiah doesn’t He uses his knowledge to calm or deter the aliens, never wanting to bring direct harm to them.

End Point: Help his dad keep him alive, and rest from the invasive procedure he’d just gone through.

What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? You have to know/understand your enemy to survive

Jude

A. What is their Character Profile?

Role: Victim / Government Spy

Traits: Motherly, Undercover, Badass

Fears: ???

Wants/Needs: Wants to rescue/support Sully and Isaiah. Needs redemption.

Likability / Rooting factors: She’s James Bond if Bond was played by Rosemary Harris

How they react under stress: Become a cold-blooded machine of destruction

Relationship with other characters: Just the sweetest little ol’ grandmother you’d ever meet

B. What is their Character Journey for this story?

Character Intro: Save sully and Isaiah from certain death

Denial: N/A

Their reaction at first horror: We don’t see the first reaction. However, we learn her first reaction comes in the form of breathing in the spore eggs.

Relation to group after first horror: Become a caretaker to make the deaths of those on the outside of the bunker as easy as possible.

How they fight back: Shoot the worms with a laser pistol.

End Point: Requests a lethal injection be given to her.

What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Being a badass won’t save you.

The following two characters don’t necessarily fight the monsters that Sully, Isaiah, and Jude do, but instead are confronted by an authoritarian government conscripting them to fight said monsters…

Markus

A. What is their Character Profile?

Role: Holy Man / Follower

Traits: Religious, Discreet, Non-confrontational

Fears: Death, Confrontation

Wants/Needs: Wants to spread his faith and be left out of conflicts. Needs to go along with the crowd to avoid conflict

Likability / Rooting factors: Soft spoken and wants to proactively prevent conflict

How they react under stress: Do what they’re told.

Relationship with other characters: Help others, until he’s forced to choose between killing others and inciting the state to kill him.

B. What is their Character Journey for this story?

Character Intro: Wakes up on a passenger vessel and saves another passenger from falling.

Denial: Prays and follows the line of people through the conscription process.

Their reaction at first horror: Follow orders

Relation to group after first horror: Kill a man for threatening to mutiny

How they fight back: Use their commissioned gun

End Point: Save Sully and Isaiah and go against orders

What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Fighting back against tyranny is hard and morally grey.

Apollo

A. What is their Character Profile?

Role: Freedom fighter

Traits: Foul mouthed, Forward, boisterous

Fears: N/A

Wants/Needs: Wants to start a revolt against conscription. Needs to be left out of other people’s conflicts

Likability / Rooting factors: No-holds-bar attitude toward everyone, especially those in power

How they react under stress: Confront the problem

Relationship with other characters: Sell, sell, sell

B. What is their Character Journey for this story?

Character Intro: Nearly falls on account of Markus

Denial: There is no denial, only action

Their reaction at first horror: Gain followers to start a rebellion

Relation to group after first horror: Sell people on the idea of taking their fate into their own hands

How they fight back: Create a plan to overthrow the military power conscripting the passengers to fight at their behest.

End Point: Killed by Markus

What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Fighting against tyranny is hard and requires patience

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Page Turner

What I learned doing this assignment…practiced how to more consistently use the skills developed in the past two to three weeks. I’m worried that I did go a little overboard in some respects. Though, I’m sure it’s also much easier to tailor back unearned intensity than it is to elevate a dull scene and description. Either way, this is what I’ve got after writing a new scene and reworking the one from all the way back with Assignment 3 of Creating Characters, since I had to finally accept that it was more believable for a pulmonologist to have experience with power tools than it was for a construction worker to perform a bronchoscopy on his son without killing him. That and I had to set up a scene later in the script where Isaiah uses basic mechanics to solve a problem.

INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – CONT. – DAY

A perfectly calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots.

No sign of any possible incident.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY

A handful sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism.

And the handful of medical staff on autopilot.

DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung.

He grabs himself a cup. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar in the brown fluid.

DR. DOUGLAS

Sounds terrible.

DR. MICK

Don’t you start.

DR. DOUGLAS

Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.

DR. MICK

Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.

DR. DOUGLAS

So, nothing to be concerned with?

Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.

DR. MICK

Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save all.

A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.

Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…

Two construction workers carrying a third between them. The third worker has a large bloody spot growing on the side of their chest, with a pipe stabbed into the center.

DR. MICK

Not again.

A third doctor, SULLY, comes out of nowhere.

Who’s Sully? He’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years, maintaining a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love.

SULLY

How’s that new “widow-maker” line of tools working out for you?

Sully escorts the trio of workers to a vacant corner.

WORKER 1

Shut up and fix him, Sul.

SULLY

(helping his patient onto a bed)

Of course, of course. You attempt to fix the only home we have, and I’ll ACTUALLY fix you.

Sully waists no time. He tears the shirt open and examines the skinny pipe staked into the worker’s rib cage.

SULLY

That’s it? And I thought all you boys were tough.

WORKER 2

Hey, fuck you!

SULLY

(to Worker 2)

No, but thank you.

(to Wounded Worker)

As for you, you’re already getting fucked.

(flicking the pipe)

You going to take that?

Worker 2 is about to take the head off of this asshole, but…

Dr. Douglas’ hand holds Worker 2’s shoulder.

DR. DOUGLAS

(to Sully)

One of these days, your strategy is going to get you hurt.

Sully barely listens, fully engrossed in treating the puncture would and pneumothorax. He commands the room like a cross between Mozart and Dr. Frankenstein.

SULLY

“Don’t go gentle into that good night” my friend.

Dr. Mick enters, snarling his teeth.

DR. MICK

Your missing an opportunity to work with tools for a living doesn’t entitle you to mistreat actual professionals.

SULLY

I didn’t miss out. Like you, I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. Our lizard brains told us to go for the bigger number.

Sully tosses the pipe over his shoulder.

DR. MICK

There’s protocol for exposed blood you idiot!

SULLY

Hey everyone…don’t touch that pipe.

Dr. Mick is seething at this amateur.

SULLY

(daring Dr. Mick)

It’s got blood on it, just so you all know.

Dr. Mick storms over.

Sully raises his hands and a white, albeit bloody, rag.

His patient inhales with a full breath.

WOUNDED WORKER

Gah, man that hurts!

SULLY

Recovery may take a couple months. You’ll get antibiotics, a handful of breathing exercises. The sooner you get better, the sooner you can punch me. Deal?

WOUNDED WORKER

(climbing out of his bed)

I’m looking forward to it.

WORKER 2

Is he actually patched up right?

WORKER 1

Yeah. Sul does good work.

WORKER 2

(to Dr. Mick)

Doc?

DR. MICK

(forcing the words)

Dr. Sullivan did a fine job. Your friend’s going to be just fine.

A small boy, ISAIAH, scrambles to get to his dad, Sully. He’s oblivious to the work being down around him, and many of the workers have to stop to avoid running into the young kid.

ISAIAH

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

Sully sees his son and motions for him to slow down.

SULLY

Jesus, Isaiah! Watch where you’re going.

Isaiah slows down, but keeps walking at a brisk pace, again, not paying attention to who’s around.

ISAIAH

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…

SULLY

(grabbing ISAIAH’s shoulders)

What are you doing here?

ISAIAH

I made the most amazing discovery!

Isaiah doesn’t stop talking, completely ignorant of the other conversations going on.

ISAIAH

It’s so cool!

SULLY

That’s great. Tell me about it later.

(turning away)

Can I get an assistant here?

ISAIAH

I know! I know how the tunnels work! Everything, all of this space is perfect!

An ASSISTANT walks up to Sully and Isaiah.

ASSISTANT

Whatcha got?

ISAIAH

We have to add moisture through the vents since it’d be too dry anyways.

SULLY

(to Assistant)

Take him back to, to wherever he’s supposed to be. School. Take him back to school.

ISAIAH

And because the vents have so much moisture in them, and they go to the outside—

ASSISTANT

(to Isaiah)

Come on. This isn’t a safe place for little boys.

ISAIAH

(to Assistant)

In a minute.

(to Sully)

Dad—

SULLY

Isaiah, go back to school. It’s not safe here.

ISAIAH

(beelining for the nearest air vent)

But, it’s not safe anywhere. Anyway, you gotta see this!

SULLY

(to Assistant)

Get him out of here.

The Assistant takes Isaiah by the arm, but Isaiah squirms and rips his arm free.

Isaiah holds himself tight, his arms wrapping around his torso like he’s in a straight jacket.

Each time the Assistant and Sully try grabbing Isaiah’s hand or arm, he pulls away, looking down at the ground and humming a constant tone.

SULLY

(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders and holding him still)

Isaiah, look at me.

Isaiah hums louder, focussed on the ground.

SULLY

Look at me, Isaiah.

ISAIAH

MMHMM!

SULLY

If you can’t follow basic instructions, then you don’t belong here with me.

Sully places Isaiah’s closed fist in the Assistant’s hand, pats him on the back and on his way out of the medical bay.

Isaiah tugs against the Assistant, looking back at his dad, who forces himself to look away and find something to distract himself.

The Assistant looks ahead and waves – this is ridiculous!

ASSISTANT

Can I PLEASE get a little help?

Isaiah pulls out a tiny spray bottle from his pocket and spritzes the Assistant’s hand.

The Assistant recoils, clutching her hand.

ASSISTANT

What the hell did you just spray me with?

Too late. Isaiah is already gone.

Isaiah stampedes through the medical bay, hurling anything he can touch between him and the assistant.

He snatches a flexible bronchoscope…

And ties it to a vent…

While throwing the other end over a robotic arm attached to the ceiling.

Before Sully or anyone else can get to him…

Isaiah drives the bronchoscope down, using the arm like a pulley wheel…

SNAP!

The bronchoscope breaks.

Sully, standing over him, pins him to the ground.

Isaiah struggles.

ISAIAH

MMMMMM!

SULLY

What is wrong with you! Why can’t you just be…

Sully doesn’t allow himself to finish the thought.

Isaiah relaxes, tears in his eyes, looking off into space.

Sully picks himself up to his knees and examines the broken bronchoscope.

SULLY

(calmly as can be maintained)

I want you…to go. Please, just go home.

Isaiah continues looking off.

SULLY

Look at me.

Isaiah moves his head, but can’t look his dad in the eye.

SULLY

Isaiah, I need you to listen. Look me in the eye so I know you’re listening.

Isaiah looks up at his dad, and shuts his eyes tight.

SULLY

Isaiah? Kid?

(losing it)

Look at me!

Isaiah starts laughing nervously.

Sully lets go and stands up, pulling at his hair.

Isaiah gets up.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

Do you know what you broke? It wasn’t a line. It was a tool that could let us see and remove…medical term? Stuff…that gets stuck in your lungs. I can’t imagine how that might be useful.

ISAIAH

I’m sorry.

SULLY

I need your help, because I don’t know how to FIX YOU.

Isaiah runs away to home.

MANAGER (O.S.)

Sully! My office! Now!

Sully grips the bridge of his nose again.

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.

SULLY

Sir, if I may—

MANAGER

Just a second.

Sully observes his boss flip through each document with such ferocity that it sounds like the kinetic blasting of an automatic gun.

MANAGER

One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?

SULLY

It’s the total pop—

MANAGER

It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?

SULLY

It’s based on—

MANAGER

Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.

SULLY

You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.

MANAGER

It’s not politics. It’s you and your son making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.

SULLY

I understand. If I may—

MANAGER

You may not. What you may do is apologize and promise me that you and your son will be the type of citizen The Hegemony expects from its population here.

Sully bites his cheek. Deep breath – What am I going to say to this?

MANAGER

Well?

SULLY

I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that my son falls somewhere on a spectrum.

MANAGER

Sullivan—

SULLY

I’m on my knees, begging for forgiveness that neither I nor anyone has had a conversation with him that wasn’t about a topic that he’s obsessed with, which has consistently been on the indigenous fauna of this…excuse me. Hegemony owned rock. I can’t imagine how that’d be useful to this colony.

MANAGER

You are out of line, and if you refuse to take ownership of your actions or the actions of your out-of-control child, and align with the interests of The Hegemony, then I’ll make sure The Hegemony takes your son and aligns him to their vision.

SULLY

I’ll admit. You’re right. I’ve been reckless and this is space. We can’t take chances. Especially not the kind I’ve exposed this colony to.

Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, anticipating the next few words to target.

SULLY

I’ll be more considerate to protocol. You have my word on that. An I’ll be sure to try and help Isaiah to use his intelligence – and he is. It’s incredible how smart he is – to use that for the benefit of the people around him. But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.

The wail of a siren slashes through the tension between the two, each shifting their attention to its source.

MANAGER

Meeting adjourned.

Both men make a break for the door.

Manager cuts in front of Sully, pushing him aside, before standing in the door.

MANAGER

(turning back around, trigger finger aimed)

This isn’t over.

Sully’s fist nails his Manager’s jaw, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!

SULLY

(jumping over manager)

I hope you’re right.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Page Turner (V.2)

First, thanks to Lisa and Kate for their notes and encouraging words!

I decided to include about half of what the original version held. Apologies if my original ten page version took up too much time for feedback.

(Context: The following scene takes place on page 4, immediately following a teaser. Prior to this scene, all that’s important to know is that something terrible will happen, Sully blames himself, and Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, is dying.)

INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY

A handful sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism.

And the handful of medical staff on autopilot.

DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung.

He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.

DR. DOUGLAS

Sounds terrible.

DR. MICK

Don’t you start.

DR. DOUGLAS

Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.

DR. MICK

Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.

DR. DOUGLAS

So, nothing to be concerned with?

Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.

DR. MICK

Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save all.

A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.

Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…

Two construction workers carrying a third between them. The third worker has a large bloody Rorschach blot growing on the side of his chest, with a pipe stabbing into its center.

DR. MICK

Not again.

A third doctor, SULLY, comes out of nowhere.

He’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years, maintaining a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love.

SULLY

How’s that new “widow-maker” line of tools working out for you?

Sully escorts the trio of workers to a vacant corner.

WORKER 1

Shut up and fix him, Sul.

SULLY

(helping his patient onto a bed)

Of course, of course. You ATTEMPT to fix the only home we have, and I’ll ACTUALLY fix you.

Sully waists no time. He tears the shirt open and examines the skinny pipe staked into the rib cage.

SULLY

That’s it? And I thought all you boys were tough.

WORKER 2

Hey, fuck you!

SULLY

(to Worker 2)

No, thank you.

(to Wounded Worker)

As for you, you’re already getting fucked.

(flicking the pipe)

You going to take that?

Worker 2 is about to take the head off of this asshole, but…

Dr. Douglas’ hand pulls back Worker 2’s shoulder, like a rancher pulling back a stallion.

DR. DOUGLAS

(to Sully)

One of these days, your strategy of getting patients too angry with you to die is going to backfire.

Sully barely listens, fully engrossed in treating the puncture wound and collapsed lung. He’s in full control, like a medical Mozart.

SULLY

“Don’t go gentle into that good night” my friend.

Dr. Mick enters, snarling his teeth.

DR. MICK

You missing an opportunity to work with tools for a living doesn’t entitle you to mistreat actual professionals.

SULLY

I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain just told me to go for the bigger number.

Sully tosses the pipe over his shoulder.

DR. MICK

There’s protocol for exposed blood you idiot!

SULLY

(to everyone in the room)

Hey…don’t touch that pipe.

Dr. Mick is seething at this amateur.

SULLY

(daring Dr. Mick)

It’s got blood on it.

Dr. Mick storms over.

Sully raises his hands and a white, albeit bloody, rag.

His patient inhales with a full breath.

WOUNDED WORKER

Gah, man that hurts!

SULLY

Recovery may take a couple months. You’ll get antibiotics, a handful of breathing exercises. The sooner you get better, the sooner you can punch me. Deal?

Wounded worker

(climbing out of his bed)

I’m looking forward to it.

WORKER 2

How do we know you didn’t just fuck him up worse than the spike in his chest?

DR. DOUGLAS

Dr. Sullivan is…unorthodox. But your friend’s going to be okay.

(on his way out)

Tell him, Dr. Mick.

Dr. Mick would rather die.

DR. MICK

Sully’s too careless in every other part of his life. He knows if he screws up even one operation, he’ll be sent to an asteroid belt.

A small boy, ISAIAH, scrambles to get to his dad, Sully. Oblivious to the commotion around him.

ISAIAH

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

Sully sees his son and motions for him to slow down.

SULLY

Jesus, Isaiah! Watch where you’re going.

Isaiah slows down, but keeps a beeline toward Sully, as other medical workers and patients dodge the pint sized juggernaut.

ISAIAH

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…

SULLY

(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders)

What are you doing here?

ISAIAH

I made the most amazing discovery!

Isaiah doesn’t stop talking, completely ignorant of the other conversations going on.

ISAIAH

It’s so cool!

SULLY

That’s great. Tell me about it later.

(turning away)

Can I get an assistant here?

DR. MICK

Why am I surprised?

ISAIAH

I know! I know how the tunnels work! Everything! This whole colony! It’s perfect!

An ASSISTANT walks up to Sully and Isaiah.

ASSISTANT

Whatcha got?

ISAIAH

It’s all because we have to add moisture through the vents to keep it from being too dry here.

SULLY

(to Assistant)

Take him back to, to wherever he’s supposed to be. School. Take him back to school.

DR. MICK

Maybe you should join him?

ISAIAH

And because the vents have so much moisture in them, and they go to the outside—

ASSISTANT

(to Isaiah)

Come on. This isn’t a safe place for little boys.

ISAIAH

(to Assistant)

In a minute.

(to Sully)

Dad—

SULLY

Isaiah, go back to school. It’s not safe here.

DR. MICH

Your son’s not the only reason it isn’t safe here.

ISAIAH

But, it’s not safe anywhere. Anyway, you gotta see this!

SULLY

(to Assistant)

Get him out of here.

The Assistant takes Isaiah by the arm, but Isaiah squirms and rips his arm free.

Isaiah holds himself tight, his arms wrapping around his torso like he’s in a straight jacket.

Each time the Assistant and Sully try grabbing Isaiah’s hand or arm, he pulls away, eyes fixed on the ground and humming a steady tone.

SULLY

(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders and holding him still)

Isaiah, look at me.

Isaiah hums louder, tuning out the voices and avoiding the eyes all around him.

SULLY

Look at me, Isaiah.

ISAIAH

MMHMM!

SULLY

If you can’t follow basic instructions, then you don’t belong here with me.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Monster Reveal Track

What I learned doing this assignment is…The importance of setting up the question prior to giving an answer. I started this assignment by just filling in the blanks with what I already knew I had, and found that I have a lot more monster reveals than demand for the monster. Some of that could be because the demand for more is found in each tiny reveal, but being conscious of the intent of a scene is the important takeaway when it’s time to write the scene into a screenplay. I’ve never seen THE THING prior to the assignment, so it and the example were a helpful reference when considering how I revealed my monster. Part of the issue for me, as it relates to the exact setup of this outline, is that the characters must know how to kill the monster at the midpoint. However, similar to THE THING, killing the monster isn’t the main issue for the latter half of the script. The big problem to solve in my third act is how to extract the eggs before they hatch in the son’s lungs. BUT, to get there, I needed to do a better job at setting up the demand for more information, before just giving it. I think I also relied too much on one unknown (is the bunker compromised or safe?) instead of setting up others.

Monster: Alien Worm/Snail

Powers: Spreads eggs like a fungus spreads spores. Has no natural predators. Can infest at an alarming rate, similar to yellow-jackets. Can infiltrate and make little to no sound. Takes over a host and uses their corpse as a shell. Can use the corpse’s body with impunity to damage and harm, going so far as to use broken, exposed bones as weapons.

Limitations: Can’t see, but is hypersensitive to light, touch and hearing.

Weaknesses: Is extremely susceptible to alkaline. Can be seriously harmed when not in a host body, or when its cadaver shell is punctured, and the monster itself is stabbed. Can be calmed through white noise, and certain texture: Slimy is good, Scratchy is avoided.

Plan/Purpose/Apatite: It’s just an animal acting on instinct. It exists solely to eat, mate, and propagate its species. However, with the removal of its natural predators, it is able to overwhelm an ecosystem, similar to fire ants in the south or other invasive species.

Demand/Reveal Sequence

Demand: Scenes of carnage. What happened in this space colony?

Monster Reveal: Spacemen are getting slaughtered by something unseen.

Demand: The spacemen are trying to kill a father and son. The father survives by killing one of the spacemen with a MacGyvered weapon.

Demand: What is the monster, and why does no one seem to distinguish between friend or foe.

Monster Reveal: The son’s very sick. He’s coughing in a very odd way, and his mouth is trying to split open.

Monster Reveal/Demand: Something about this monster has to do with the lungs, because we see the father makeshift a breathing device for his son. But what is it and how does it spread? Is it an alien virus?

Demand: The alarm goes off, signaling the presence of aliens. How do the way things are 12 hours ago (peacefully bureaucratic) lead to the mayhem we just witnessed?

Monster Reveal: We see a teenager coughing the same way we saw the son coughing in the teaser. The seems of his mouth tear down to his jaw. A doctor administers a lethal injection.

Demand: Did he actually kill it, whatever it was? What is it about this monster that kills in such a horrible way. What does it even look like. Most importantly, was the bunker kept safe?

Monster Reveal: A large, cobra-like worm slithers toward the father and son.

Demand: Is the worm connected to the coughing? What will it do?

Monster Reveal: It can be tricked by sounds/vibrations. It also kills by sliding down a person’s throat with serrated teeth on its head, and takes over its victim, going so far as to separate the mandible and bottom of the maxilla from the rest of the skull to form a fish-like snapping mouth.

Demand: Why did the worm take over the host? What are the extents of its newfound power.

Monster Reveal: The monster (human shell) can’t be killed with blunt force, headshots don’t work, and it just makes it more dangerous when it can use fractured bones like shivs.

Demand: How do you kill it?

Monster Reveal: They don’t like bleach or paint thinner. Is there a connection? Also, once inside a host, they can only be killed by puncturing attacks. Otherwise, the worms themselves are very susceptible to damage.

Demand: What does the son, who has Asperger’s, know about the aliens?

Monster reveal: The spy is infected.

Demand: Who else could be infected? How do you get infected if not by a worm slicing down your throat?

Monster reveal: The monster has a matriarchal hierarchy, where the queen metamorphosizes into a fungus that spreads its eggs like spores.

Demand: Where does the infestation end? Is there any safe space, including the bunker? Is the bunker really safe?

Monster Reveal: The infestation is severe, as a nest extends out of the space colony.

Demand: How do you get past the nest?

Monster Reveal: Both the Aspie son and the worms are sensitive to the same things: light, sound, and touch. The same things the son uses to calm down, calms the worms down. The same things that aggravate the son aggravate the worms.

Monster Reveal: The bunker is completely compromised, and the only survivors are the son and the father.

Demand: The son falls and accidentally breathes in the spore eggs. He’s infected.

Monster Reveal: The son’s lifespan is dependent upon the amount of moisture in his lungs. When his lungs are dried out, the eggs will hatch.

Demand: The father asks his son for help curing him. How will the father extract the eggs?

Monster Reveal: As long as there is moisture in the lungs, the eggs won’t hatch. But, there is a trade off. The longer the eggs are in the lungs, the larger they may grow, reducing the chances of a successful bronchoscopy, and requiring a thoracotomy.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Writing is Bold!

What I learned doing this assignment is…I have certain emotional states that I communicate better than others, but I can still infuse my story with terror, bravery, and mystery wherever I want. I tried to do this assignment with a section I was already pretty confident in, just to make sure it was a challenge and I’d have a breakthrough. Writing fear was a little difficult at first, and I’m not supremely confident in it yet. I knew writing in a biblical style where Sully is an “avenging angel” would be a little easier just because I spent a lot of time writing in that style last year with a handful of short stories and TexAgs Radio “text of the day” submissions. I think what’ll be fun later is figuring out which direction I’d really want to go with Sully. There’s a certain natural badassitude with both Sully and Isaiah, but I don’t want to overdo it less I lose that horror aspect this script is supposed to convey. I’m looking forward to more lessons in the Horror class as well to help practice the emotions of horror and fear more.

Original…

INT. BUNKER

Sully clears past the first shelving unit, sliding onto the second one.

He holds on tight…

And with his foot pushes the first shelving until away from the wall…

Crashing it to the ground on top of other infected.

With no where else to run, Sully watches as the entire room converges on his location. a mass of bodies quickly ascend his shelving unit.

Sully spins around, pushing against the wall…

And sending the second shelving unit to the ground.

Sully, just before the unit crashes, leaps off…

Toward his bat.

The second shelving unit careens to the floor, crushing some of the infected.

Sully picks up the bat…

And is completely surrounded.

Scared…

INT. BUNKER

Sully pushes himself on an adjacent shelving unit. His heart rate feels like it might explode.

He braces himself…

Fighting through his fear as though it were a brick wall by kicking his foot into the first tower, parallel with the maw of an incoming demon.

He watches, unable to breathe, as the snarling fiends ride the shelves to the floor, crushing those caught underneath with sickening cracks and splatters.

His elbows slide off the other end – oh shit!

Sully finds himself trapped. No other units to crawl on. Nowhere to run. And the unfazed gnashing of teeth come barreling up to his tiny corner.

Sully spins…

Holding on and pushing against the wall…

And sends the second shelving unit to the ground.

Sully times his jump from the falling platform…

Aiming for the bat.

The unit careens to the floor, crushing some of the infected.

Sully picks up the bat, hands shaking it uncontrollably…

Because he’s completely surrounded.

Biblical/Avenging Angel…

INT. BUNKER

Sully maneuvers himself from the first shelving unit to an adjacent second.

He holds tight, eyes fixed on the enemy…

And smites it with one kick…

Sending the first unit down onto a group of the demons with an awful clamor of cracking skulls and bones.

No where to run – the path never clearer – as the hellish horde descends upon a lone survivor.

Sully spins on his ass, holds tight, and with all his might…

launches the second of the towering shelves away from the wall.

Time slows, though his heart never beat harder or faster. He leaps toward his target…

The bat!

The unit strikes down on a fraction of the horde, but the immediacy of their demise could be heard, and it gives the briefest solace to the slayer…

As he lifts his weapon…

And finds himself encircled by the carnivores that wouldn’t even be accepted in hell.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Extreme Emotion!

What I learned doing this assignment is…It’s weird that I’ve been inspired to implement some of these skills a couple lessons before they’re introduced. Still, the exact frequency of how often to use emotional description is useful. I think the big takeaway is to communicate it only when it’s necessary to convey a very specific mindset, where the context of which is important for the dialogue to understood. I’ve been that purist before, and it left the dialogue “up to interpretation,” which unfortunately left said dialogue confusing. I’ll be sure to go through subsequent drafts with the intent of limiting the emotional description for when it’s necessary, and where I can easily argue the importance of keeping it; like when I provide insight to Isaiah’s frame of mind and the way he perceives the world, as it’s essential to understand the uniqueness with which he experiences it.

Sully – Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

(SCL- Conceal the feeling of dejavu of being responsible for the death of a loved one. Maintain composure and control)

Isaiah – Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

(SCL – Get “dad” to admit fault)

Scene chosen:

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host on his way back inside the colony, and seals the way in as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, but expresses remorse about pushing Isaiah into the nest.

Sully – “I knew it was there. How could I forget? Why did I push you when I knew it was a mistake!?”

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

The vent grate blasts off the roof as Sully, overdosed on adrenaline, tears out onto the roof, yanking Isaiah behind him.

ISAIAH

Stop!

An alien host crawls out of the vent after them.

It is beyond the point of discussion for Sully. They are getting the hell out of there.

ISAIAH

YOU CAN’T GO THAT WAY!

Isaiah rages against his father’s grip like a rabbit in the clutches of a hawk’s talons, watching his father pull him into a trap.

Isaiah glances over the edge…

And bolts up and onto the railing, hoping for a chance to jump off of the roof before going down the walkway.

Sully, his sense of calm long gone and adrenaline flooding his brain, hurls Isaiah in front of him and down the ramp.

Isaiah stumbles to regain his footing…

And trips over the same spot he discovered before…

FALLING THROUGH THE WALKWAY!

Sully, seeing his son disappear, SPRINTS toward the chaos of the nest, where the boom box fell into the same hole Isaiah fell into.

Sully finds the hole…

Looking down…

And finding Isaiah with his mask broken, and his face smothered in spores.

ISAIAH

You killed me. You killed me! YOU FUCKING KILLED ME!

Sully reaches down, offering his hand – what have I done?

Isaiah stares at the hand, unsure of whether the hand belongs to someone who loves him or means him harm. He grabs hold of the hand.

Sully pulls him up, out of the pit. He takes a deep breath and holds it in, as he takes off his helmet and replaces Isaiah’s broken mask with his.

He lifts his son and runs like hell.

Behind him, the hosts are billowing out of the vent. In front of him, the worms are beginning the swarm; the deafening brown noise only calming the hive so much.

No matter – Sully beelines to the escape hatch.

He opens the hatch…

Sending Isaiah down…

With a torrent of horror closing fast on them.

INT. ESCAPE HATCH – NIGHT

Sully follows Isaiah into the hatch.

He closes the hatch door…

Onto the head of an infected!

Sully slides down the ladder, the mouth snapping shut just at the hair on top of his head.

He hits the bottom and collapses…

Looking up…

The hatch door thrown wide open, and the carnivores climbing down headfirst.

Sully dashes out the room…

Throwing the door shut behind him – fat chance of it holding.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – CONT.

He meets up with Isaiah, who’s rocking himself back and forth. His helmet’s removed and his hands are over his ears as he hums loudly. His eyes burning from the trickling of tears.

SULLY

(kneeling down)

Isaiah, we have to go.

ISAIAH

(shaking his head in denial)

LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!

SULLY

We don’t have time for this! Do you want me to carry you or dd you want to carry yourself!?

ISAIAH

(eyes wide, defiant)

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Sully grabs his son – the little ungrateful shit!

Isaiah squirms, not letting Sully get a good grip.

Sully grabs Isaiah’s collar and drags him along the ground, hearing the frantic foot and palm steps heading straight for them.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully, still holding onto Isaiah’s collar.

Isaiah, running back into the room, hands over his ears.

Sully barricades the door – it’ll buy a few minutes, maybe more.

He turns to face Isaiah…

Who’s not there – not again.

Sully hears a door slam. He rushes for the source…

Finding the closet he originally locked Isaiah inside of.

SULLY

Oh! Now you want to stay in there!?

ISAIAH

Go away! Just save yourself like you always do!

SULLY

I was saving you! Why couldn’t you just listen to me! Why, just one time! Just—

Sully begins to break down in tears.

ISAIAH

You never listen to me! I know more about them than anyone! I’m an expert!

SULLY

You’re just a child…

ISAIAH

I’m a worm! I’ve always been just like THEM! I didn’t want to be one!

SULLY

We can’t stay here…

ISAIAH

Go away!

SULLY

Isaiah, open the door, please…

ISAIAH

You don’t care! You never cared!

SULLY

Stop it!

ISAIAH

I HATE you!

Sully stops himself, allowing the words to bite as deep as intended.

SULLY

I’m sorry. I don’t know why I push you when I know it’s a mistake. Or when I don’t push you when I should. I don’t know what I’m doing. I never have. I never…

(formulating the right words)

I miss your mother. I miss the way she understood. I miss the way she spoke. Her voice. I wish you could’ve heard it. She would know what to do. She was everything you deserved. God, I…I couldn’t do this without her. And I hate myself, more than you do, for letting an accident bar me from even trying. I’m so, so imperfect for you. But from the first time you smiled at me, I’ve never stopped loving you.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Visuals

What I learned doing this assignment is…When blocking matters, include it. When blocking is less important than the general idea, get to the essence. Honestly, I didn’t expect the hallway fight in THE MATRIX to include a fraction of the writing that was given for the subway fight, but reading it reminded me of a line from GLADIATOR, where the writer summed up a fight scene with something like, “He moved like a scythe through wheat.” No blocking. No extra details. Nada. It’s something I’ll have to consider for this script is recognizing when and where to have blocking versus metaphors.

Part One:

DESCRIPTIONS from THE MATRIX…

Neo sits in a chair in the center of the room and Trinity

begins gently fixing white electrode disks to his head,

arms, and the back of his neck. Near the chair is an old

oval dressing mirror that is cracked.

Wide-eyed, he stares as it begins to heal itself, a

webwork of cracks that slowly run together as though the

mirror were becoming liquid.

Neo reaches out to touch the mirror and his fingers

disappear beneath the rippling surface.

Quickly, he tries to pull his fingers out but the mirror

stretches in long rubbery strands like mirrored-taffy

stuck to his fingertips.

With the TINKLING of GLASS, shimmering SNOWFLAKES of

electric-blinking mercury fall, HIT the GROUND, and fade.

Neo looks at his hand; fingers distended into mirrored

icicles that begin to melt rapidly, dripping, running like

wax down his fingers, spreading across his palm where he

sees his face reflected.

Neo’s body arches in agony and we are PULLED like we were

pulled INTO the holes of the phone —

— sucked INTO his scream and swallowed by DARKNESS.

INT. POWER PLANT – CLOSE ON MAN’S BODY

floating in a womb-red amnion.

Metal tubes, surreal versions of hospital tubes, obscure

his face. Other lines like IVs are connected to limbs and

cover his genitals.

Pressing up, the surface distends, stretching like a red

rubber cocoon.

He feels the weight of another cable and reaches to the

back of his head where he finds an enormous coaxial

plugged and locked into the base of his skull.

He tries to pull it out but it would be easier to pull off

a finger.

To either side he sees other tube-shaped pods filled with

red gelatin; beneath the wax-like surface, pale and

motionless, he sees other human beings.

Fanning out in a circle, there are more. All connected to

a center core, each capsule like a red, dimly-glowing petal

attached to a black metal stem.

Above him, level after level, the stem rises seemingly

forever. He moves to the foot of the capsule and looks

out.

The image assaults his mind.

Towers of glowing petals spiral up to incomprehensible

heights, disappearing down into a dim murk like an

underwater abyss.

It is almost insect-like in its design; beautiful housings

of alloyed metal covering organic-like systems of hard and

soft polymers.

The machine seizes hold of Neo, paralyzing him as the

cable lock at the back of his neck spins and opens.

The cable disengages itself. A long clear plastic needle

and cerebrum-chip slides from the anterior of Neo’s skull

with an ooze of blood and spinal fluid. The other

connective hoses snap free and snake away as the machine

lets Neo go.

NEO’S POV

Neo’s eyes FLUTTER OPEN. We see Morpheus’ face above us,

angelic in the fluorescent glow of a light stick.

Fluorescent light sticks burn unnaturally bright.

Just as he starts to come unglued, Morpheus opens the

door.

The wind is knocked from Neo’s chest.

It is a swamp of bizarre electronic equipment. Vines of

coaxial hang and snake to and from huge monolithic battery

slabs, a black portable satellite dish and banks of life

systems and computer monitors.

At the center of the web, there are six ecto-skeleton

chairs made of a poly-alloy frame and suspension harness.

Near the circle of chairs is the control console and

operator’s station where the network is monitored.

In the distance, we see the ruins of a future Chicago

protruding from the wasteland like the blackened ribs of a

long-dead corpse.

We turn and descend, spiraling down toward the lake bed

which is scorched and split like burnt flesh, where we

find Morpheus and Neo.

He looks up and his sunglasses reflect the obsidian clouds

roiling overhead.

Skipping ahead to the description of the third act action sequences…

The entire lobby fight:

Neo and Trinity are a blur of motion. In a split second,

three guards are dead before they hit the ground.

Chaos erupts; bystanders run for cover, POPPING CAPS

ECHOING in the stark official lobby.

A second wave of plainclothes cops and guards try to stop

them. They are met by the MUTED SPIT of a SILENCED GUN

and the razored WHISTLE of THROWING STARS.

Weapons like extensions of their bodies, are used with the

same deadly precision as their feet and their fists.

Bodies slump down to the marbled floor while Neo and

Trinity hardly even break their stride.

The Subway Fight:

Neo whip-draws his gun flashpoint speed of lightning as —

Smith OPENS FIRE.

GUN REPORT THUNDERS through the underground, both men

BLASTING, moving at impossible speed.

For a blinking moment we enter BULLET-TIME.

Gun flash tongues curl from Neo’s gun, bullets float

forward like a plane moving across the sky, cartridges

cartwheel into space.

An instant later they are nearly on top of each other,

rolling up out of a move that is almost a mirrored

reflection of the other —

Each jamming their gun tight to the other’s head.

They freeze in a kind of embrace; Neo sweating, panting,

Agent Smith machine-calm.

Agent Smith’s face warps with rage and he attacks, fists

flying at furious speed, blows and counters, Neo

retreating as —

A knife-hand opens his forearm, and a kick sends him

slamming back against a steel column.

Stunned, he ducks just under a punch that CRUNCHES into

the BEAM, STEEL CHUNKS EXPLODING like shrapnel.

Behind him, Neo leaps into the air, delivering a neck-

snapping reverse round-house. Agent Smith’s glasses fly

off and he glares at Neo; his eyes ice blue.

Agent Smith attacks with unrelenting fury, fists pounding

Neo like jackhammers.

Agent Smith grabs hold of him, lifting him into the air,

hurling him against the curved wall of the train tunnel,

where he falls inches from the electrified third-rail.

The Agent is about to jump down and press his attack when

he hears something. From deep in the tunnel, like an

animal cry; a BURST of HIGH-SPEED METAL GRINDING against

METAL.

The sound of an ON-COMING TRAIN.

Neo tries to get up. Agent Smith jumps down onto the

tracks and drop-kicks him in the face.

The world again begins to shake, RUMBLING as the TRAIN

NEARS.

Agent Smith grabs Neo in a choke-hold forcing him to look

down the tracks, the train’s headlight burning a hole in

the darkness.

There is another METAL SCREECH, much LOUDER, CLOSER, as

Agent Smith tightens his hold. Neo is unable to breathe.

The TRAIN ROARS at them, swallowing Agent Smith’s words.

The veins bulge in Neo’s head, as he grits through the

pain.

He is not ready to die.

Impossibly, he hurls himself straight up, smashing Smith

against the concrete ceiling of the tunnel.

They fall as the sound and fury of the TRAIN EXPLODES into

the station.

Neo backflips up off the tracks just as —

The train barrels over Agent Smith.

Part Two:

1. Sully explodes out of the vent, adrenaline certainly playing a factor. He rips Isaiah out of the vent and drags him forward.

to …

The vent grate blasts off the roof as Sully, overdosed on adrenaline, tears out onto the roof, yanking Isaiah behind him.

2. Isaiah kicks and screams while his dad drags him across the walkway, the exact way they came, toward the nest, and the army of hosts from the bunker tailing them.

to…

Isaiah rages against his father’s grip like a rabbit in the clutches of a hawk’s talons, watching his father pull him into a trap.

3. Isaiah punches Sully in the arm over and over, eventually kicking himself to drag Sully off of the space colony.

to…

Isaiah glances over the edge…

and bolts up and onto the railing, hoping for a chance to jump off of the roof before going down the walkway.

4. And catching himself with his other hand. He pulls himself up and starts crawling on his back away from the monsters that are climbing up to meet him.

to…

And catching himself, his good hand aiding his fractured one. He throws his leg up, and rolls back onto the structure. He shuffles away on ass and elbows, focused on the teeth that are almost at his feet.

5. Hundreds of pods cling to each of the four walls of a massive room. The rows of pods ascend all the way up a thirty foot ceiling.

to…

Hundreds of sleeping pods are stacked up along a hall, like a techno-catacomb.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Death Track

What I learned doing this assignment is…this is a good checklist to ensure each character death feels different and has purpose. Making sure each “How” is different, and ensuring each “Why” matches up with a consistent message, helps to give both variety and continuity in the story, rather than allowing the narrative to devolve into pointless murder porn. Though, because this is a project that I’m already working on (yeah, this would be much more of a learning experience with a separate concept), I am watching more horror movies to try and identify the lessons from this course with the films I’m watching. For example, I just watched THE SHINING last night. First time seeing it, and taking it through this same lesson, I have an appreciation for the “Why” and “How” of the only character death we actually see in the film (though there are many more allusions to the deaths that have occurred in the Overlook Hotel’s past that each are unique and give new horror and nightmare inducing material).

Character Death 1: Teenager

Why: Set the tone. Though we’ve seen other, faceless opponents die in the teaser, this would establish the killer as something that doesn’t distinguish between the innocent and the potential threats. In addition, it sets up a major question that provides dramatic irony for about half the script: Is the place our protagonist seeks for safety actually safe?

How: In the bunker where dozens of family have sought shelter from the alien parasitic threat. The teenager is brought in by his doctor, against protocol, due to the doctor’s own hubris. The audience sees the teenager die by coughing and vomiting blood, as well as watching his jaw break and the seems of his mouth split open. We don’t see what he becomes during this process. Another benefit for this death is that it gets the audience to side with the argument for “just do what you’re told.” This is similar to the opening of ALIEN, where if everyone had the same devotion to protocol as Ripley, then the crew of the Nostromo would’ve survived.

Character Death 2: Stranger

Why: Establish what the parasitic worm does, and engage the audience to connect the dots of what may have happened to the teenager from the previous death. Set up a new factor to deal with.

How: At a moment where the worm is seemingly distracted, a stranger makes a break for it. His loud running signals to the worm, which catches up with him, forces its way down the stranger’s throat with serrated teeth, and changes him into a monster: The man’s mouth and jaw are separated from the rest of the cranium, and the man walks on all fours. His mouth snaps out of his skull to bite, similar to fish.

Character Death 3: Jude

Why: Fill in the last piece of the puzzle with the worms. There’s a number of ways to die from them. One, of course, is what we know we’ve seen: the stranger getting turned into a zombie-like host. The other way is how the teenager probably died: being a brood mother for the worms and giving birth to them through the lungs and mouth. Her death also gives further justification to the argument “Just do what you’re told,” because her death allows Sully and Isaiah (our protagonists) to live.

How: Via lethal injection at her final moments of giving birth, which involves coughing and vomiting in the same way as the teenager.

Character Death 4: Apollo

Why: The first counter argument to the idea: “Just do what you’re told.” Form a thematic connection between the parasitic worms and an authoritarian state.

How: A holy man, Markus, is forced to murder Apollo, because Apollo was hoping to stage a mutiny/protest against the passengers being conscripted to fight the alien parasites. Markus is given a decision: murder another man and live a little longer for the sake of supporting the state’s conscription of humble colonists, or be killed with Apollo as a traitor to the state. Markus shoots Apollo in the chest with a shotgun.

Character Death 5: The entire space colony

Why: Take away all safety from Sully and Isaiah. Show how serious an infestation can become, and provide a major obstacle for the latter second act and the entire third act.

How: While we don’t see them all change into monsters/hosts for the worms, we do the see the aftermath as over a hundred colonists have become ravenous monsters, including children and infants.

Character Death 6: The exterminators

Why: catching up with the teaser, and amping up the violence and hysteria Sully and his son, Isaiah, must work together through to survive.

How: In a multitude of ways, all that we’ve seen prior. Getting eaten, shanked by the broken bones of the hosts, getting infected by spores or worms, getting torn apart, etc. It’s a meat-grinder.

Character Death 7: The military officer

Why: Show, thematically, a changing of the guard. Give Markus redemption. Reward the counter-argument: “Don’t just do what you’re told.”

How: Markus shoots the military officer before the military officer can kill Sully and Isaiah. This happens after the officer orders the execution of Sully and Isaiah after Sully just healed his son and exposed the state’s involvement with covering up the worms.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Hope/Fear in action

What I learned doing this assignment is…An effective strategy and format to give a scene or action sequence more beats, more tension and therefore a faster pace. I knew exactly which scene I wanted to represent for this assignment, and I’m glad I had the second email regarding a scene from ROAD WARRIOR for inspiration. The throttling back and forth between hope and fear was a great lens to look at this scene through. Though I’ve already done something like this in many of the my stories, putting together in an outline and format such as this gives an awareness of what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and going further to come up with as many shifts between Fear and Hope within the scene as possible. Also, tried overlapping two scenes that chronologically occur at the same time. I don’t think it works as well as it could with the way it’s written, but the set up of Isaiah coming in at the most dire moment feels more earned this way, and it adds another question to scene, shifting it away from “How will Sully get out of this” and more to “Will Isaiah get to him in time?” It feels like this strategy would lead to the audience staying involved instead of guessing/knowing what’s going to happen next and waiting for it to happen. We’ll see if it works, but the inclusion of the Hope/Fear mechanic does allow for a consistent rhythm that has the potential of tying the two scenes together in a really cool way.

Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

SCL – Get back to his son unscathed

Scene chosen:

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully opens up a point in the roof with a grinder and crawls into a shaft that leads to the bunker.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully uses the grinder to open a hole into the bunker. When he drops down into the bunker, he discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family, who attack him on all fours and lash out with their jaws that separate from their skulls with the worm’s body attaching the two. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping the rope for him. Dad climbs up the rope that’s anchored to the vent, through the use of the power tools Isaiah brought.

Situation – Sully is trapped in a bunker full of infected monsters that want to eat him

Goal – Find a way to get back to the vent

Main Threat – Everything in the bunker wants to kill him

Scene Structure:

Hope – Sully will make it inside the bunker to safety

Fear – The last place of safety is the most dangerous place to be

Hope – Sully will avoid the bunker

Fear – Sully slips and falls in.

Hope – Sully can still reach the vent he slipped out of.

Fear – The monsters climbing on the scaffolding forces it to fall over.

Worse Fear – Sully can no longer reach the vent and escape.

Hope – Sully has his weapon.

Fear – There isn’t enough ammo to kill everything in the bunker

Worse Fear – The fall aggravated his already broken hand, meaning he can’t use it without extreme pain.

Hope – Sully has the high ground.

Fear – Monsters ascend the fallen scaffolding.

Hope – Scaffolding fell onto other shelving unit that didn’t fall over. It’s angled just high enough for Sully to climb onto it.

Fear – A monster grabs Sully’s leg.

Hope – Sully swings his bat and kills the monster

Fear – The force of Sully’s swing has him slip on the top of the shelving. Sully’s about to fall off.

Hope – Sully grabs onto the shelving with his broken hand, preventing his fall

Fear – Sully drops the bat (his only weapon) to assist his climbing back onto the shelving. His broken hand can’t take that much pressure.

Hope – Sully starts crawling on his back away from the monsters.

Fear – The monsters follow him both onto the shelving and below on the ground.

Hope – Sully clears past the first shelving unit first, and kicks it down with the monsters still on top of it.

Fear – Sully has no where else to run, and monsters are climbing up the shelving.

Hope – Sully kicks the shelving he’s sitting on to take it down with the monsters still on it.

Fear – Sully’s falling into the center of the swarm.

Worse Fear – Sully will be too injured to fight after he falls down.

Hope – Sully jumps and rolls to avoid the collapsing shelving.

Better News – Sully reunites with his weapon.

Fear – Sully is surrounded and on the ground.

Hope – Sully kills one of the monsters and dives into the fallen scaffolding.

Fear – Sully is trapped in a bottleneck with monsters trying to fill the hole.

Hope – Sully’s weapon works, nailing each monster the second they make contact with the end of the bat. Sully just holds the bat up to bunt them away.

Fear – The weapon jams.

Worse Fear – It doesn’t matter how hard Sully swings, if he can’t get through the skin. Sully swings hard and just prolongs the inevitable.

Hope – Sully’s bag at the end. Dangling from it is the grinder.

Fear – Monsters are vaulting the scaffolding to flank him.

Hope – Sully makes it there first and slices through the necks of several monsters.

Fear – Sully faces off against monsters he can’t bring himself to kill…infected children.

Hope – Isaiah drops a line and distracts the monsters.

Fear – Not all of the monsters divert their attention to Isaiah.

Worse Fear – Monsters are going after Isaiah

Hope – Sully is able to run and flank the aliens.

Better News – Sully grabs a gas tank and starts emptying it to create a wall of fire.

Fear – Sully placed his grinder in his armpit to be able to hold onto the gas tank.

Worse News – Monsters jump on top of Sully, pinning him down.

Hope – Sully has a lighter and starts a fire. His suit is flame retardant.

Better News – Sully’s on his feet and about to climb onto the rope line.

Fear – the gas tank explodes and sends Sully flying into the wall.

Worse News – The sprinklers turn on and start putting out the fire.

Even Worse News – The rope fell. Sully has to throw it back up to Isaiah for him to get Sully out.

Hope – The fire is still large enough to keep the monsters at bay

Fear – One of the monsters gets through.

Hope – Sully uses the grinder and kills the alien.

Fear – Sully has to use his broken hand to toss the rope up to Isaiah.

Hope – Sully fights through the intense pain.

Better news – Isaiah catches the rope and secures it.

Fear – Sully drops the grinder in order to climb the rope.

Worse Fear – the fire’s going down. The monsters are coming.

Hope – Isaiah dumps a bottle of bleach on his dad, and by extension the aliens.

Fear – It doesn’t work except to keep their mouths inside.

Hope – Sully makes it up the line.

Fear – The monsters start climbing the line.

INT. VENT – NIGHT

Sully slams the vent door shut behind him.

He douses the vent gate with the last of the bleach…

As worms slither, hiss and scream all over the gate, trying to get to him.

For now, Sully is trapped, and there’s no going back.

Instead, he peers ahead down the black of the tunnel…

And begins his crawl toward the bunker.

The harsh crashing and grinding of the aluminum with every slide on Sully’s knees echoes through the vent like a banging drum announcing Sully’s arrival. He can’t see where he’s going, but he…

SULLY

(counting his distance to the bunker)

Five feet. Four and a half. Three feet. Two and a half. One. Half. Should. Be—

He comes up against significant resistance.

It’s completely dark. Pitch black. We hear him work in total darkness as he grunts, winces, shifts.

SPARKS ILLUMINATE THE DARK as the whir of the grinder is amplified by the vent. Sully attacks the entry point with his power tool, until…

The panel comes loose. Sully tries pushing the rest of the way…

Causing the panel to give…

And Sully slides halfway out of the vent. He witnesses…

INT. BUNKER

A horde of infected residents, all staring up at him, mouths ejecting from skulls before receding back. The safest place in the colony has been changed into the worst part of hell.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah cracks opens the hatch…

And watches the fungal nest raging with a swarm of worms.

The savant considers his options. There isn’t enough bleach or other alkaline on the planet to protect him from that certain death.

INT. BUNKER/VENT

Sully tries to back up slowly…

With every shift of his weight, he moves a little further out of the vent.

His foot gets caught on his bag.

INT. ESCAPE HATCH – NIGHT

Isaiah descends back down the ladder and rummages through his bag of rope, tools, sheets of velcro, a boom box, and a NOTEPAD. He pulls out the notepad and takes off his gloves with noticeable contempt for them. He brushes his hands like they have some itchy substance or liquid on them – it’s just his hypersensitivity at work.

The kid makes some notes. We don’t see the specifics, but we catch a glimpse at illustrations and paragraphs of tiny print. He’s clearly been taking notes for a while, and his book is almost done. He flips back through the pages…

Nothing is marked, but through memory alone he lands at the exact page he was looking for. He skims the page – a quick confirmation – and closes the book.

INT. BUNKER/VENT

Sully can’t get back up the vent. He looks and aims to land on the scaffolding near his entry point.

INT. ESCAPE HATCH – NIGHT

Isaiah places the book back in his bag, places the irritating gloves back on his hands…

And climbs back up the ladder.

INT. BUNKER

Sully slides out and lands into the bunker, onto the scaffolding.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah opens the hatch fully and climbs out with all the confidence in the world.

He pulls out the boom box and turns it on. It plays a low pitch brown noise. His hands rotate the volume to max…

And tapes a sheet of velcro over his mask, effectively blinding him.

Finally, his hands find a bottle of lubricant that he pours over parts of his suit – anywhere where there isn’t velcro or abrasive material.

And then…

INT. BUNKER

Sully starts to get up to reach back into the vent…

But, the infected are already halfway up front side of the scaffolding…

Causing it to tilt.

Sully’s has only a split second to jump back up to reach the vent. He hesitates…

And falls with the scaffolding…

Crashing into the side of a shelving unit…

And onto his already broken hand. Sully screams in pain!

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

The kid walks forward, mostly blind, one hand dragging the bag, while the other hand grabs the railing.

We follow solely the kid’s perspective – heavy breathing, slithering all over him, nothing sliding over his mask, in fact they’re avoiding it all together, and, of course, the steady, deafening brown noise—

INT. BUNKER

Sully comes to, holding his bat with the two nailers at the end of it. There’s over a hundred infected, all coming at him, and he has maybe fifty rounds of nails.

The infected run on all fours up the scaffolding to get to their prey.

Sully jumps from the scaffolding…

Landing on top of the shelves. He pulls himself up, keeping his broken hand close to his chest to stave off the immense pain he’s in, before—

A hand crabs his leg!

Sully swings the bat…

Nailing the infected in the throat.

But the force of the impact sends Sully sliding off the shelves.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah TRIPS!

The boom box CRASHES…

INT. BUNKER

Sully grabs onto the side of the shelf with his broken hand.

He screams in pain…

Dropping the bat…

And catching himself with his other hand. He pulls himself up and starts crawling on his back away from the monsters that are climbing up to meet him.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

The boom box keeps playing.

Isaiah palms the ground around him, trying to get a sense of his surroundings, but he can’t find out what the hell he just tripped over, especially through these stupid, sweaty gloves.

This kid continues forward – no time to waste – on all fours. He crawls on hands and knees the rest of the way, leaving the boom box behind, but taking the bag with him.

INT. BUNKER

Sully clears past the first shelving unit, sliding onto the second one.

He holds on tight…

And with his foot pushes the first shelving until away from the wall…

Crashing it to the ground on top of other infected.

With no where else to run, Sully watches as the entire room converges on his location. a mass of bodies quickly ascend his shelving unit.

Sully spins around, pushing against the wall…

And sending the second shelving unit to the ground.

Sully, just before the unit crashes, leaps off…

Toward his bat.

The second shelving unit careens to the floor, crushing some of the infected.

Sully picks up the bat…

And is completely surrounded. The bloodthirsty infected hold back for just a moment. Just long enough for…

Sully to identify a possible exit from the circle. He charges for the scaffolding…

Facing off against one of the infected. Sully swings his bat, making contact with the infected. DIRECT HIT, and Sully dives between the floors of the fallen scaffolding.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah’s hands find the steps that lead to the vent. He crawls carefully up the steps, opens the vent, and crawls inside.

INT. BUNKER

Sully is trapped in the bottleneck created by the scaffolding. Infected all try to get in, wanting a piece of him.

Sully bunts each one…

Firing two nails into each one. Some are a hit to the throat, some to the head, which is ineffective. They just keep coming.

CHNNNG! CHNNNG! The nailers jam. Both of them.

The infected come at Sully with more reckless abandon.

Sully swings the bat as hard as he can to keep the monsters away, while looking for an option. Anything to last a few more seconds…

His eyes find…

THE GRINDER, dangling from his tool bag.

INT. VENT – NIGHT

Once inside, Isaiah carefully removes the velcro from his mask. He’s unsure of what he tripped over, but knows he can’t go back the same way he and Sully came from.

INT. BUNKER

Sully shimmies his way to the dangling grinder, as the infected crawl over the scaffolding to get to the other side.

Sully makes it to the grinder.

An infected shoots its mouth out…

INTO THE SPINNING BLADE OF THE GRINDER!

Sully carves his way out in a bloody torrent of war against any and all infected, carving through each neck like butter.

SULLY

(covered in blood)

I DON’T CARE WHAT HELL HAS! I WILL RETURN TO MY SON!

Before Sully, however, is the worst thing he’s seen to this point.

Small children, led by an infant, crawl out of the scaffolding for him.

The baby’s toothless mouth reaches out of its skull and snaps at Sully.

Sully, horror stricken at the sight, can’t move.

SULLY

NO! NOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!

A rapid fire impact sounds off from the vent, drawing the attention of most of the infected.

A rope is thrown from the vent.

ISAIAH

Dad!? Daddy!?

Sully sprints along the wall.

SULLY

GET OUT OF HERE! IT’S NOT SAFE!

Too late. The infected are already at the rope.

Sully catches sight of a gas canister. He places the grinder under his armpit and picks up the full canister.

He dumps gasoline along a line as he runs for the rope, before chucking the canister at the mound of bodies at the bottom of the rope.

He kneels, turning on the grinder…

Letting the sparks fly toward the trail of gas—

WHAM! AN INFECTED TACKLES HIM TO THE GROUND!

Sully lifts up the grinder to the infected—

His arm is pinned.

Sully’s broken hand reaches into his pocket for the lighter. He lights the flame and tosses it at the gas.

FFWOOOOM!! The infected erupts in flame, fleeing. Sully’s space suit keeps the flames at bay on him.

Sully makes a break for the rope…

He grabs on—

KABOOOM!! The gas canister explodes…

Sending Sully against the back wall.

The fire reaches to the ceiling. The infected can’t get close.

But the sprinkler system jumps into action, dowsing the fires.

Sully races for the rope. An infected gets through.

Sully slices the head off and tosses the grinder aside.

He grits his teeth as he bears the pain of using both hands, including his broken hand, to climb the rope.

Sully’s almost there.

But an infected is at his feet.

Isaiah empties an entire bottle of bleach onto Sully…

Spilling onto the infected.

They keep their mouths inside the host’s skull, but keep coming after the two.

Sully makes it up into the vent.

Infected are RIGHT THERE behind them – no time to cut the rope.

Sully and Isaiah scurry back up the vent, desperate to get away.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Horror Situation Track

What I learned doing this assignment is…a couple things. One is that I have a terrible imagination, and coming up with horror situations beforehand is a useful strategy to ensure a premise is fully realized by taking it to its most extreme end. Also, I did kind of cheat with this one. Writing this out for OPEN WIDE is more about ensuring the script meets the conventions, and so this is more fill-in-the-blank than what this assignment is meant for (sorry Hal. It’s a lot of work to balance the ProSeries and this at times. No duh). BUT, labeling everything does help me to see whether or not I’m fulfilling a balance of reactions and emotions. Overwhelmingly, a number of character reactions are to solve their way out of a problem. This is a bias I have because I like to see smart characters come up with intelligent solutions to a difficult problem. So, much of my script is turning into almost a horror version of THE MARTIAN (hmmmm, THE MARTIAN meets THE SHINING…something to figure out later). It’s not a complete waste to use a project I’m already hip deep in, because this process does help to keep me honest with the horror conventions, which I’m still learning, and to see where some character actions can be a bit redundant if I don’t take the time to include more horror moments in them. I’ll be referring back to this list often in finishing the script and subsequent drafts of it.

(Note: Prioritizing OPEN WIDE, since that’s the main project currently being worked on. But with any extra time, I’ll try to work other concepts for the sake of continuing the education/breakthrough process.)

OPEN WIDE

Step 1: Horror Situations

Mouth splits open

Violent coughing and vomiting to the point of expelling blood

Mouth is ripped from skull and used like a fish’s mouth to catch prey

Worms slithering after people

Worms forcibly entering people’s mouths

Serrated teeth slicing the inside of people’s throats

Breathing in the alien’s spore eggs

Being trapped in a tight space

Forced to kill a human being

Having your future changed against your will

Going into the monster’s home

Surrounded by monsters

Out of options/facing certain death

Having to perform surgery on your own child

Watching your child die

Losing a limb

Having your chest ripped open

Eaten alive
Hacked apart by a machete

Getting cut

What was safe becomes a tomb/A safe space is also a coffin

Covered in mucus

Unable to see

A lack of options

You never had a choice

People turned into monsters

The way you came is the most dangerous way going back

You can’t run away

Hiding from the monster

Fighting against yours or your loved one’s horrific demise

Dilemma – kill an innocent or be killed

Follow orders that boil down to “die by my hand or theirs”

Abusing another person or your own child

Losing rationality

Trying to hold onto rationality so your loved one can scream and panic

Your child can’t run anymore

Your child is difficult and impedes your ability to get away

Your child recklessly embraces the monster

Your child cares more about saving the monsters than letting you protect him from them.

Losing your eyes

Having your leg broken

Forced to consume poison that may kill you

Receiving burns or chemical burns

Shooting the head doesn’t do anything (you have to hit the throat)

Facing a headless corpse

The monster uses its host’s own broken bones like shivs

Having your skull chewed on

Being torn limb from limb
“broken on The Wheel” sort of torture

Household pet tries to kill and eat you

Baby/newborn tries to kill and eat you

Having to be very still and quiet

When what you made doesn’t work at the exact time you REALLY need it to

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established – Shots of a blood red nebula, some blood on the walls of a space colony, and the death and killing of space people by our protagonist and god knows what, because our protagonist’s son is dying from something we don’t fully understand yet.

Horror Situation: Exterminators try to kill father and son

Reaction – Fight: Father kills exterminator with a baseball bat/nailer invention to the head

Horror Situation: Son coughs up blood, and the seems of his mouth start to part

Reaction – Try to solve it: Father crafts a breathing tool with a stove pot, some siren wrap, and water

Connect with the characters – Flashback to when Sully saves the worksite of the space colony from catastrophe, only for his Aspie son to ruin it.
The characters are warned not to do it – Alarm goes off and Sully chooses to go find his son who ran away, rather than run to the safety of the bunker. <div>

Denial of Horror – Sully tries to connect with his son by crafting muffs that muffle the sound of the alarm for his over sensitive child, something he doesn’t have time for.

Horror Situation: Son’s difficult nature prevents Father from getting to safety

Reaction – Denial: Father tries to play to son’s needs instead of getting out of there

Monster: The nature of the beast – One of the residents in the bunker coughs so hard that his mouth split open. We don’t see what happens next.

Horror Situation: Saying goodbye to a loved one/keeping a loved one from safety

Reaction – Denial: Compromised Loved one is brought into safety anyway

Horror Situation: Loved one coughs and vomits blood before his mouth splits open

Reaction – Try to Solve the problem: Doctor tries to administer a lethal dose to kill loved one

Horror Situation: Watching your child die

Reaction – Fight: Parent fights doctor to prevent them from killing their child

Safety taken away – Sully doesn’t make it to the bunker in time.

Horror situation: Trapped on the outside looking in.

Reaction – Denial: Sully punches the door, breaking his hand.

Horror situation: Broken hand

Reaction – Try to solve it: wrap it up and use it as little as possible

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped / Abducted – Sully and his son, Isaiah, are chased by parasitic worms and the host of one of them. They are spared only through the efforts of another resident (a spy) who also didn’t make it to the bunker.

Horror situation: worms pursue father and son

Reaction – Escape: Sully carries Isaiah with his one good arm

Horror situation: Hiding from the monster

Reaction – Try to solve it: Son throws a pot to distract the worm

Reaction – Escape: Stranger makes a break for it

Horror Situation: worm forces its way down stranger’s throat, turning him into a monster

Reaction – Fight: other stranger goes after monster and tries to cripple it

Horror Situation: Monster uses broken limbs like shivs and stabs the other stranger eating him

Reaction – Escape: Father and son use the moment to escape and lock the monster inside the apartment

One of us killed – Sully and Isaiah’s rescuer is killed by Sully in an attempt to cease the end stages of her infection. In addition, the B-plot involves the “exterminators” that were called to solve the problem: conscripts where a holy man is required to kill a potential mutineer.

Horror Situation: Father and son’s savior starts turning into a monster/asks to have father and son kill her

Reaction – Try to solve it/Fight: Father pushes son aside and injects savior with lethal injection

Horror Situation: Holy man is forced by the state to kill a mutineer or be killed by the state.

Reaction – Escape: Holy man kills another

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer – Sully locks his son in a closet to go an find the bunker. When he arrives, he finds the bunker is filled with nothing but infected, bloodthirsty hosts

Horror Situation: Isaiah is locked in a closet

Reaction – Escape/Try to solve it: Isaiah breaks out of the closet with some items on hand and an understanding of basic mechanics.

Horror Situation: Sully has to travel through a nest of monsters

Reaction – Fight/Try to solve it: Sully runs through the nest after dowsing himself with an alkaline substance, something established earlier that the monsters stay away from.

Horror Situation: Sully finds the bunker, but it’s filled with monsters and there’s no way out.

Reaction – Fight: Sully fights for his life with the weapons on hand. It’s one against a hundred

Horror Situation: Not all the monsters are equal. Some have taken children and newborns as hosts.

Reaction – Escape: Sully can’t bring himself to kill a child, even when it’s actually a monster.

Terrorized – Isaiah makes it out of his confinement and saves Sully, but gets infected in the process.

Horror Situation: Isaiah has to go through the same monster nest when it’s swarming.

Reaction – Try to solve it: Isaiah makes some notes and uses his knowledge of the monsters to travel safely.

Horror Situation: Sully and Isaiah are being pursued, and Sully is hysterical while Isaiah wants to argue.

Reaction – Denial: Sully shoves Isaiah down the walkway.

Horror Situation: Isaiah lands in a part of the nest that infects him.

Reaction – Escape: Sully picks him up and takes him back to safety.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death – The exterminators arrive, requiring Sully to fight more than just the aliens trying to eat him and and his son, as the exterminators are required to wipe out all life not confined to the bunker.

Horror Situation: Everything, Everywhere is trying to kill Sully and Isaiah, including the people coming to get rid of the aliens.

Reaction – Escape/Hide: Sully and Isaiah hide before running to a medical bay.

Hysteria – Complete chaos abounds as people die left and right while Sully tries to get his son to a medical bay to perform an experimental and invasive procedure to extract the alien parasite within him.

Horror Situation: Aliens tear into the chest of an exterminator

Reaction – Escape: Other exterminators flee in terror, only to be eaten.

The thrilling escape from death – Sully and Isaiah work together and are able to extract the worm.

Horror Situation: Sully’s child is infected and will die in minutes.

Reaction – Try to solve it: Sully works with his son to extract the eggs before they hatch.

Death returns to take one or more. – The exterminators are about to execute both Sully and Isaiah, but…

Horror Situation: The exterminators trap Sully in the medical bay and are going to kill both him and his son.

Reaction – Fight: Sully reveals the spy’s documents showing the state’s involvement with the worms.

Resolution – Sully reveals the spy’s information and shows the interstellar government knew about the worms ahead of time and tried to cover it up. This results in a full mutiny and Sully and Isaiah being sent off to spread the word and incite an interstellar revolution.</div>

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Uncertainty Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…the necessity for “Hope” and “Fear” to be balanced with appropriate stakes. Similar to Neuton’s “With every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” when it comes to the Hope versus Fear mechanic, you have to have the possibility of equally very, very bad things to balance against what you hope for. I just watched THE HITMAN’S WIFE’S BODYGUARD last night, and it plays an overarching uncertainty established at the beginning (Hope: Michael will be reinstated at a AAA bodyguard. Fear: The Kincaid’s will screw it up so completely that he’ll never be reinstated again, or they’ll put him in a situation that kills him.). Through that overarching uncertainty, the rest of film throttles back and forth between smaller uncertainties, such as…Hope: Sonia gave him appropriate prescription pain meds. Fear: Sonia gave him something terrible for the situation, like a hallucinogen. It’s a very small thing that doesn’t change much of the outcome of the scene: The Kincaid’s and Michael get away from the bad guys. But it does contribute to something that makes the scene more fun and engaging, and ultimately leaves us wanting to continue watching, just so we can find out what in the hell Sonia gave Michael as “pain medication.”

Script chosen: UNBREAKABLE

What’s happened up to this point?

First, this is a script years ahead of its time. To this point, most audiences haven’t seen a gritty take on the superhero genre built on the premise of these events taking place in the real world. Just prior to this, the closest films you’ve had included the BATMAN quadrilogy (ending with Schumacher’s campy and fun BATMAN AND ROBIN), SPAWN and BLADE, nothing close what this script tries to accomplish. That said, prior to this scene, David has accepted his calling to protect people, admitting to Elijah that he faked his injury in his youth and that he’s never been injured (the closest he got was almost drowning as a kid). Elijah tells him to go where there are people and to allow his instinct to guide him. From there, David brushes against a stranger and instantly knows the stranger was involved in a breaking and entering. He follows the stranger to a house and discovers the stranger has killed the father and tied up the two daughters.<div>

INT. MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT

An exercise bike in the corner of the bedroom has been turned into a clothes hanger long ago. The t.v. across the bed has framed family photos displayed on top of it.

David’s shadow passes over them as he moves towards the open bathroom on the other side of the bedroom.

(Note: To this point, we know the stranger is somewhere in the house, but we don’t know where. Hope: that David will be able to save the other family members. Fear: that the stranger has/will kill the hostages, particularly the two girls David had just saved)

A woman is tied to the bathroom door handle. She sits on the tiled floor slumped against the door. Her eyes stare blankly at the ground. She has considerable bruises on her face and arms.

David stands before her.

(Note: David’s found the mother, but her staring blankly gives us pause. Hope: David’s not too late in saving her. Fear: The mother was killed.)

DAVID(soft)

Where is he?

The woman doesn’t answer, but a SOUND COMES FROM THE SCREEN DOOR nearby. The curtains draping the screen door move with the wind from outside.

(Note: She “doesn’t answer.” The script doesn’t explicitly tell us she’s dead, so there’s still hope. The sound calling to him gives us another uncertainty. Hope: David can stop the stranger. Fear: David won’t be able to save the mother. The inclusion of the mother introduces another component to keep track of. David may be indestructible (except his lungs are subject to the same weaknesses as we are), but the mother is not. Even if David can’t be hurt, can he prevent the bad guy from rendering further harm?)

David crosses the room and pushes aside the curtain. It leads to a small balcony. An empty lawn chair is the only thing on it.

David steps onto the balcony and looks down.

The rain still pours down unmercifully. It comes down on a black tarp that covers a pool in the backyard. David turns to go back inside.

A BLURR OF ORANGE ATTACKS HIM.

(Note: Two things are introduced. First, the balcony and the pool. It’s a subtle setup, and most may not consider the importance of the pool being there. For those that do, they understand and remember from previous conversations that David is afraid of water and that “water is [his] weakness.” The pool is something to avoid. As for the balcony, its a fall that may not hurt David, but, and here’s where the second point comes in, the blur of orange knocking him off the balcony would put a significant distance between David and the mother. Hope: David is able to fight off his attacker. Fear: David being taken by surprise means he will either A.) be separated from the hostages and compromised in his attempt to save their lives and B.) fall in the pool and be at risk of drowning.)

The collision is sudden and explosive. The huge man drives his shoulder into David’s chest and takes him off his feet. David’s body flips over the railing.

(Note: David falls. Hope: That he’ll recover quickly and save the hostages. Fear: He’ll either be knocked out or land in the pool.)

The dark green rain poncho flaps in the wind as he falls two stories directly towards the black tarp.

CUT TO:

EXT. POOL – NIGHT

David lands on his stomach with a TREMENDOUS SLAP onto the nylon black tarp.

(Note: The worst case scenario: David landed in the pool. Hope: that he’ll be able to get out of it. Fear: That David will drown.)

There’s a thin layer of rain water on the tarp’s surface. David is laying on his cheek. Half his face is covered in water.

Beat. David’s exposed eye looks around in a daze. The surface of the tarp gets pounded by the rain.

(Note: Night draws this out with David coming out of a haze. It’s more Suspense than Uncertainty, but it’s worth noting. The audience/reader is yelling, “Get out of there!”)

David uses his hands to push his body off the tarp. His hands sink into the water as his pressure pushes the tarp down.

THE FIRST SOUNDS OF NYLON SLIDING AGAINST CONCRETE START.

(Note: More tension and suspense. We’re not there yet to uncertainty, but there’s a clear ticking clock now and the time is almost up.)

David stops pushing. His vision catches the corner of the swimming pool as the tarp slides out from under the sand bags that hold it in place.

The tarp sags. David becomes utterly still. THE SOUND CONTINUES ANYWAY.

(Note: David can’t get out. If he tries crawling for it, he’ll get caught up in the tarp. If he stands still, he’ll get caught up in the tarp.)

One by one the tarp starts sliding out from under the sand bags all around the edge of the pool.

(Note: Sorry, it’s just worth pointing out that this is exactly how you take away someone’s seeming invincibility. David is completely powerless here, and we’re slowly making our way to the inevitable. The hope/fear mechanic established doesn’t change, but it’s heightened with every paragraph and description Night includes. We don’t know if/how David’s going to make it out of this, and there’re still the two daughters alone in a house with a man who’s killed their father and possibly their mother.)

And then without warning, the tarp caves in. It folds around David as he and the tarp get pulled UNDER THE COLD DARK WATER.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNDER WATER – NIGHT

David’s body is tangled in the pool cover. His legs and arms thrash against the constricting black tarp. He’s drowning.

(Note: “He’s drowning.” The worst case scenario has become reality. Hope: He can find a way to swim out of this. Fear: David drowns, unable to free himself from the tarp.)

GLIMPSES OF LIGHT FROM THE HOUSE PIERCE THE DARKNESS UNDER WATER. THE BLURRED IMAGE OF A DISTANT FIGURE HIGH ABOVE ON A BALCONY FLICKERS AND DISAPPEARS.

(Note: Good of Night to mention the stranger again, just in case we forgot what else is at stake. Where did the stranger go? Are the two daughters in the same room? What’s going on in the house? Hope: the daughters made it out okay, and the mother may survive. Fear: The stranger found the daughters untied, and punishes them for it.)

The last of the tarp slides out from under the sandbags that old it in place around the edge of the pool.

The rain keeps falling.

The tarp moves like it’s alive underwater. It shifts and wraps David tighter with every movement.

GLIMPSES OF LIGHT AGAIN. TWO SMALL FIGURES NOW STAND IN A BLURRED SILHOUETTE NEAR THE EDGE OF THE POOL. FLASHES OF SOMETHING SHINY THEY’RE HOLDING… A ROD OR POLE… IT’S SHAKY NEBULOUS IMAGE WAIVERS IN THE AIR ABOVE THE SURFACE.

(Note: While David is wrapped up like an anaconda’s prey, a chance at survival descends into the water. Hope: David can grab onto the pole in time. Fear: the daughters are out in the open. Will the stranger find them and kill them?)

David’s only free hand reaches for the light. It catches the silver pole.

The tangled mass of David and the tarp are pulled slowly towards the edge of the pool. David’s head and shoulders emerge from the darkness. He takes hold of the pool’s edge.

Huge desperate breaths as he pulls his body out from the water and the grasp of the tarp. He hauls himself onto the ground.

He sits hunched over in a dark mass, his head down under his hood. The rain poncho covering him like a blanket. Beat.

He rises to his feet. The water rushes off of him. His breathing is slowing, calming.

He stands in a silhouette from the light of the house. He turns and looks to the two small figures standing near the edge of the pool.

The children from the bathroom stand still in the rain. They’re holding an aluminum pole with a brush head for cleaning the pool. They stare up at the hooded figure.

No one says anything.

(Note: No uncertainty at the conclusion of this scene, but it’s a prolonged hero moment. Our hopes of David and the daughter’s surviving up to his point have been realized, and David escapes a close call with the help of the people he saved. “It takes a village” to stop criminals, not just one man or vigilante. And this was written well before films like the more recent Batman films.)

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[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Hooks

What I learned doing this assignment is…That incorporating hooks into the description may be a viable strategy. I’ve learned to go by the philosophy that if it can’t be seen, you don’t include it in the action. But when you include a question or a statement in the action that sets up a hook, it may help to build the anticipation for a later moment. I can set up a hook with a quick sentence that promises the reader something will come from this. The other fun thing is setting up the difference between Sully and Isaiah with the “deeper understanding” hook. From the previous scene, the reader knows Sully barely made it out of the nest alive. So when Isaiah faces the same nest, the hook comes when we see just how bad Sully left it for him via an active swarm, leaving the reader with the question as to how Isaiah can possibly get through it. Then, like with the mention of providing a hook in the description, I can offer information that Isaiah knows, so that the audience is aware that what worked for Sully won’t work for his son, providing more dimension to the original hook. It’s a constant game of offering and withholding information until the reader gets far enough into the story to have an answer the original question given…only to be given yet another hook in that answer.

Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

(SCL – Keep calm and maintain control)

Isaiah – Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

(SCL – Get himself and dad (Sully) to safety)

Scenes used:

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, but because of its location on the structure, Isaiah has to go around it by climbing on the side of the building.

…

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. Stressed about the hosts still tailing them, Sully forgets about the weak point in the structure, and pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah when his mask breaks.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah cracks opens the hatch…

And watches the fungal nest raging with a swarm of worms.

The savant considers his options. There isn’t enough bleach or other alkaline on the planet to protect him from that certain death.

INT. ESCAPE HATCH – NIGHT

Isaiah descends back down the ladder and rummages through his bag of rope, tools, sheets of velcro, a boom box, and a NOTEPAD. He pulls out the notepad and takes off his gloves with noticeable contempt for them. He brushes his hands like they have some itchy substance or liquid on them – it’s just his hypersensitivity at work.

The kid makes some notes. We don’t see the specifics, but we catch a glimpse at illustrations and paragraphs of tiny print. He’s clearly been taking notes for a while, and his book is almost done. He flips back through the pages…

Nothing is marked, but through memory alone he lands at the exact page he was looking for. He skims the page – a quick confirmation – and closes the book.

Isaiah places the book back in his bag, places the irritating gloves back on his hands…

And climbs back up the ladder.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah opens the hatch fully and climbs out with all the confidence in the world.

He pulls out the boom box and turns it on. It plays a low pitch brown noise. His hands rotate the volume to max…

And tapes a sheet of velcro over his mask, effectively blinding him.

Finally, his hands find a bottle of lubricant that he pours over parts of his suit – anywhere where there isn’t velcro or abrasive material.

And then…

The kid walks forward, mostly blind, one hand dragging the bag, while the other hand grabs the railing.

We follow solely the kid’s perspective – heavy breathing, slithering all over him, nothing sliding over his mask, in fact they’re avoiding it all together, and, of course, the steady, deafening brown noise—

Until he TRIPS!

The boom box CRASHES…

But keeps playing.

Isaiah palms the ground around him, trying to get a sense of his surroundings, but he can’t find out what the hell he just tripped over, especially through these stupid, sweaty gloves.

This kid continues forward – no time to waste – on all fours. He crawls on hands and knees the rest of the way, leaving the boom box behind, but taking the bag with him.

His hands find the steps that lead to the vent. He crawls carefully up the steps, opens the vent, and crawls inside.

INT. VENT – NIGHT

Once inside, Isaiah carefully removes the velcro from his mask. He’s unsure of what he tripped over, but knows he can’t go back the same way he and Sully came from.

…

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully explodes out of the vent, adrenaline certainly playing a factor. He rips Isaiah out of the vent and drags him forward.

ISAIAH

Stop!

An alien host crawls out of the vent after them.

It is beyond the point of discussion for Sully. They are getting the hell out of there.

ISAIAH

YOU CAN’T GO THAT WAY!

Isaiah kicks and screams while his dad drags him across the walkway, the exact way they came, toward the nest, and the army of hosts from the bunker tailing them.

Isaiah punches Sully in the arm over and over, eventually kicking himself off the walkway to drag Sully off of the top of the space colony.

Sully, his sense of calm long gone and adrenaline flooding his brain, hurls Isaiah in front of him and down the walkway.

Isaiah stumbles to regain his footing…

And trips over the same spot he discovered before…

FALLING THROUGH THE WALKWAY!

Sully, seeing his son disappear, SPRINTS toward the chaos of the nest, where the boom box fell into the same hole Isaiah fell into.

Sully reaches the hole…

Looks down…

And finds Isaiah with his mask broken, and his face smothered in spores.

SULLY

(reaching down)

Take my hand!

ISAIAH

You killed me. You killed me! YOU FUCKING KILLED ME!

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Suspense

What I learned doing this assignment is…First, I really wanted to go with a scene near the ending, but am trying to hold off on those scenes until we reach the module discussing endings. Second, the simple three step format of “Promise – What matters – Delay” can help focus where the suspense should come from. Before this lesson, I was already a big fan of the “Bomb under the table analogy” and have tried to use it in a number of my writings. What I found worked for this is a similar strategy I’ve started using when writing scenes in general: answering questions with questions. For this assignment, I was really able to draw that out though with ending each beat with a new obstacle/problem to solve (Isaiah makes a system that’ll get him out of a jam, but then the system breaks and it can’t be repaired, or Sully covers himself with a protective chemical, but it doesn’t last as the nest he crawls through absorbs it and leaves him vulnerable). The suspense track really helped to give me the liberty to draw out the tense moments with constant setups and payoffs.

Side note, writing it this way made me look way smarter than I am. Had no idea I’d be writing a reversal of fortune for the two characters (Isaiah – getting out, Sully – getting in/trapped) that intersect, but it just kinda happened with finding the best way to increase the suspense throughout the scene and carry it to the next sequence.

Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

(SCL – N/A as both characters are isolated from each other.)

The Promise: He’ll find the bunker.

What Matters: Getting himself and his son to safety

The Delay: A dangerous passage with a myriad of problems

Isaiah – Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

(SCL – N/A as both characters are isolated from each other.)

The Promise: Isaiah will reunite himself with his dad.

What Matters: Staying safe and protecting his dad from what he doesn’t know.

The Delay: He’s locked in a closet.

Scenes used:

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully inches across the roof of the enclosed space colony in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. He walks over a weak point in the structure, but it manages to hold. Sully makes a mental note to avoid that spot in the future.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to escape from his closet. He gathers rope and some tools from the tool room, and a spare ventilation suit.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully crawls out of the roof hatch. The teeth shaped nebula glitters red behind him.

The only sound he hears is the loud recycled air in his tactical space suit. His eyes go wide as he witnesses…

A fungal nest beats like a heart over the roof, it’s roots digging and gripping into the sides of the complex, and BLOCKING Sully’s path to the bunker.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT

Isaiah rattles the door handle, but no matter how much pressure he places on it, the door won’t budge.

He punches the door as hard as he can, but the only damage done is to his hand, which he holds and starts to cry over.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully walks slowly toward the fungal nest, spraying his suit with a spray bottle filled with bleach. He drenches his mask with it, and as much as it smells, it’s the aroma of the nest that makes him want to wretch.

A slithering is heard. Sully looks up to see a bulbous tail, filled to the brim with slime and eggs being deposited with each occasion splurt.

Sully takes as deep a breath as his will allows him, and slides his way between the walls of the nest.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT

Isaiah looks up and takes in his surroundings: wire clothes hangers, bed sheets, metal rods, of course an assortment of outfits, and some miscellaneous items, such as a lint roller, knick knacks, and scissors.

He organizes the items and assesses what’s there, asking “What would dad do?”

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully is completely smothered by the nest. It’s dark, and his only guide is the railing he clutches with total desperation.

A worm slides along his shoulder. It screeches and slithers off, the skin slightly smoldering from the toxic alkaline chemical Sully’s suit is covered in.

The bleach is doing its job, as Sully listens to the other worms keep their distance, hissing just a couple feet from him in the nest.

A small piece of nest falls on top of Sully. It disorients him for a moment, before he looks up and sees…

A weaving blanket of worms just above his head, waiting for a chance to get close.

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT

Isaiah puts bits and pieces together: threading the clothes hanger pipe through the rolling attachment of the 3 lint rollers, tying clothes together to form a rope, tying a knot from the clothes to the wire hangers, which themselves have been wrapped around each other to form a strong hook.

Isaiah slides the hook under the door and latches it to the back wheel of the lift that’s still jammed under the door.

Isaiah tests his pulley system. He grabs tight, jumps up, and tugs hard on the clothes-rope—

The lift budges!

But the clothes rods break at the pressure…

And Isaiah falls to the floor.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully picks up his pace, breaking through sections of the nest now.

The worms start to try and attack their intruder, getting closer and closer, as…

The once drenched suit is drying off from constant contact with the walls of the nest.

One worm STRIKES—

It’s serrated teeth on the sides of its head slicing across Sully’s shoulder.

The air starts to leak.

Sully grabs his shoulder…

And makes a run for it!

Hacking his way through with a hatchet.

The hissing of worms and rattling of the nest goes up like an alarm!

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT

Isaiah positions one part of the broken clothes rod parallel with the door, and shoves the other part under the door and over the parallel rod, making a lever system.

Isaiah sits on the rod, while hooking the wire clothes hangers onto a briefcase. With the other end of the clothes hanger still looped on the outer wheel of the lift…

Isaiah takes a thick book and uses the spine as a hammer…

STRIKING the briefcase as hard as he can.

With each hit, the lift budges a little more, until…

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully bursts through the remainder of the nest…

The worms hot on his tail…

He drops the hatchet…

Pulls out the bleach spray…

And starts to spray it all of the walkway behind him and all over himself.

The worms are slowed, but still pursue him.

He sees the vent that leads to the bunker…

Opening it up while spraying bleach erratically in the air, hitting nothing.

He drops inside…

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – CLOSET – NIGHT

The lift under the door dislodges!

And Isaiah opens the door!

INT. VENT – NIGHT

Sully slams the vent door shut behind him.

He douses the vent gate with the last of the bleach…

As worms slither, hiss and scream all over the gate, trying to get to him.

For now, Sully is trapped, and there’s no going back.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Horror Plot

What I learned doing this assignment is…How important it is to differentiate horror-horror from action-horror or war-horror. It’s a very specific feeling of existential dread – the coming of relentless, inescapable death. While the horror of war may feel similar in some respect, there’s a specific brand in the way the two are handled. The relentlessness and randomness of the beach scene in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, for example, may have better fit the conventions if it weren’t for the fact that it’s mortal people killing Americans from a defensive position. If the film were shot from the Nazi’s perspective, the script is flipped in that the horror is coming for them. Plus, we know the outcome of D-Day, and we’re following the events from the perspective of the victors. All that to say that the horror, wherever it’s coming from, has to be on the attack, unprovoked. The “horror,” whatever it is, has to be the pursuer and can never be seen from a defensive position. Another lesson is that once the goal of survival is shifted to a goal of sacrifice, the horror element is completely lost. When looking at A QUIET PLACE, there’s a brief moment where Lee sacrifices himself to save his children. That’s fine, because it’s one character. The children and Evelyn are still in mortal danger after Lee’s gone; he only buys them ONE escape attempt. He doesn’t save them from the horror totally. This was something I noticed when considering the third act for my concept, BARE YOUR TEETH. I played a lot with the idea of the group sacrificing themself to contain the threat, and immediately the horror was lost, because it was no longer about survival, but about sacrifice.

(Note: This should go without saying, but for the sake of added context with which a brief internet essay cannot capture all of, I am in no way trying to provide sympathy for Nazis. Any comments referencing them with respect to the film SAVING PRIVATE RYAN is merely to reflect on the specifics of what makes up an “atmosphere of evil,” and how by default the beach scene cannot reflect this component because we are following actors that facilitate the killing rather than the actors that have the killing rendered upon them (because even though the Atlantic Wall was built to defend the population, it was also built to defend the perpetuation of the Nazis committing genocide, which of course was evil). By extension, the use of soldiers from both the Red Army and Nazi-German army in my concept is not to reflect any personal political opinions I have. Their use is solely for the discussion of the nuance found in individual actors caught in the crossfire of evil dictators, and the fascinating journey such characters may take in navigating a section of the world for which there is no right/good, and morally gray is the absolute best you can hope for from an ethics perspective.)

BARE YOUR TEETH

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established – Hitler’s message to his army fighting in Stalingrad (paraphrasing – “Die, but take as many with you before you do) in the background of a secret Nazi convoy that crashes on its way into Stalingrad, with the “cargo” killing all of the survivors.
Connect with the characters – Captain Fritz works on the first step of his plan to escape from Stalingrad with a small team of other Nazi defectors.
The characters are warned not to do it. – Lt. Grumman blows the escape plan when he chooses to save a child over abandoning her to escape forever, leaving the team still stuck in war torn Stalingrad.
Denial of Horror – The Nazi defector team is led by the child to a small group of Red Army soldiers. A deal is struck for the two groups to join together to make it out of the city.
Safety taken away – One of the Red Army soldiers betrays the group, leading another platoon of Red Army soldiers to capture and kill the defecting Nazis.
Monster: The nature of the beast. – One of the monsters kills the entire Red Army platoon, and the survivors that are left make their way into the sewers to try and escape.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped / Abducted – The other escape route promised was destroyed by artillery fire, and with the city completely surrounded by Communist forces, there’s no escape. Get executed for abandoning your post, for being a Nazi, get killed in the constant crossfire of Stalingrad, or get eaten.
One of us killed – The monsters coordinate an attack and devours Captain Fritz, the Leader.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer – Night descends upon the city, and the monsters come out of hiding. Like the hydra, they duplicate when they’re significantly damaged. In a place like Stalingrad, they will quickly outnumber the two fighting armies.
Terrorized – Col. Solokov is executed for abandoning his post. Following, a wave of monsters overrun a defensive position and nearly double in number after the battle.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death – Lt. Grumman lays down a plan to set a part of the city aflame to contain the monsters, as their only weakness appears to be fire.
Hysteria – The monsters don’t fall for the trap and start killing off everyone.
The thrilling escape from death – Lt. Grumman and Anastasia escape from the city.
Death returns to take one or more. – The surrounding Red Army prepares to take the two of them, but one monster trailed them and starts to duplicate when fired upon.
Resolution – the monster is burned alive and the city is firebombed to leave no survivors – except one does emerge from the rubble.

(Note: Man, I hate this third act. Kinda just powered through in the end, but I learned a lot from trying to fit something that isn’t horror into the horror genre. I’ll say, it’d be a good idea for me to go back and study the Battle of Stalingrad again for more ideas, otherwise this runs the risk of feeling like a generalized WW2 battle rather than what that specific battle was.)

IT! CRASHED MY WEDDING

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established – Revelation of the “fact” that every million years, a plague of cicada-like creatures crawl out of hibernation and devour the world.
Connect with the characters – The pre wedding jitters are being excised by the bride and groom in their separate spaces, meanwhile some family members voice their displeasure by the wedding.
The characters are warned not to do it. – News reports come out that an event is occurring around the world. The cicada monsters are waking up and eating everyone in sight on the television.
Denial of Horror – Wedding must go on. The Bride’s been dreaming of this day for years, and she’s not about to let the apocalypse ruin it for her.
Safety taken away – A cicada monster crashes the wedding…
One of us killed – And eats one of the relatives.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped / Abducted – Both families lock themselves inside the clubhouse.
Monster: The nature of the beast. – The voice of the relative calls out to their loved one, only for it to be coming from the monster. It takes attributes from its victims and incorporates it into its biology.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer – The monster makes its way into the clubhouse. The groom uses his survival tactics, feeding the cicada a bouquet of flowers to distract it, only for him to appear to be eaten by a cicada/rose hybrid.
Terrorized – The Bride is naturally distraught that her fiancé was eaten by the bouquet she was meant to throw. What’s more disconcerting is that the groom’s family is wanting to offer her as a sacrifice.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death – The bride fights her way out of the mob, arguing for a right to live.
Hysteria – Both families begin to fight, throwing each other into the maw of the monster.
The thrilling escape from death – The groom returns to save his blushing bride – he actually survived thanks to those seemingly useless skills.
Death returns to take one or more. – the family works together to use the sprinkler system to rain weed killer on the cicada monster, killing the beast.
Resolution – The family’s survivors are a united front, the groom and bride finally get married, just as a cicada kaiju appears on the horizon. <div>

OPEN WIDE

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established – Shots of a blood red nebula, some blood on the walls of a space colony, and the death and killing of space people by our protagonist and god knows what, because our protagonist’s son is dying from something we don’t fully understand yet.
Connect with the characters – Flashback to when Sully saves the worksite of the space colony from catastrophe, only for his Aspie son to ruin it.
The characters are warned not to do it – Alarm goes off and Sully chooses to go find his son who ran away, rather than run to the safety of the bunker.
Denial of Horror – Sully tries to connect with his son by crafting muffs that muffle the sound of the alarm for his over sensitive child, something he doesn’t have time for.
Monster: The nature of the beast – One of the residents in the bunker coughs so hard that his mouth split open. We don’t see what happens next.
Safety taken away – Sully doesn’t make it to the bunker in time.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated / Trapped / Abducted – Sully and his son, Isaiah, are chased by parasitic worms and the host of one of them. They are spared only through the efforts of another resident (a spy) who also didn’t make it to the bunker.
One of us killed – Sully and Isaiah’s rescuer is killed by Sully in an attempt to cease the end stages of her infection. In addition, the B-plot involves the “exterminators” that were called to solve the problem: conscripts where a holy man is required to kill a potential mutineer.

MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer – Sully locks his son in a closet to go an find the bunker. When he arrives, he finds the bunker is filled with nothing but infected, bloodthirsty hosts
Terrorized – Isaiah makes it out of his confinement and saves Sully, but gets infected in the process.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death – The exterminators arrive, requiring Sully to fight more than just the aliens trying to eat him and and his son, as the exterminators are required to wipe out all life not confined to the bunker.
Hysteria – Complete chaos abounds as people die left and right while Sully tries to get his son to a medical bay to perform an experimental and invasive procedure to extract the alien parasite within him.
The thrilling escape from death – Sully and Isaiah work together and are able to extract the worm.
Death returns to take one or more. – The exterminators are about to execute both Sully and Isaiah, but…
Resolution – Sully reveals the spy’s information and shows the interstellar government knew about the worms ahead of time and tried to cover it up. This results in a full mutiny and Sully and Isaiah being sent off to spread the word and incite an interstellar revolution.

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[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned is…This assignment is like learning color theory for the first time. You know how to color and what colors go together, but you don’t know the reason why these strategies work. It’s like learning for the first time the difference between value and tone, and how Black and Red are the same value, and that when you get dark enough, true black is actually the color red toned down as far as you can go. It’s knowing why Black and Red go well together, because they’re essentially the same color, value wise. This assignment is a lot like that. Watching and studying A FEW GOOD MEN and how the dialogue keeps you hooked without any sort of action (and by extension why I start to fall asleep during 300 when that movie should speak to me) lead to a lot of strategies I try to emulate today. But this lesson brings all of those strategies into focus, talking about the “Why.” It also helped bring into focus the “SCL” for the scene. Damn, incorporating an SCL into every scene has been difficult. It’s getting easier, and keeping in mind Anticipatory Dialogue helped to frame the SCL’s for this scene in a way that felt natural and gave everyone their unique voice, especially as it came to writing more than two characters in a scene. Writing dialogue for more than two characters in a scene has been a frustrating struggle for me for years. But incorporating these techniques ahead of time really helps me to balance everything around a specific goal for the scene.

Scene used:

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why Jude isn’t in the bunker. Jude reveals that she was infected on her way to the bunker, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do. Isaiah hypothesizes about a way to “cure” Jude, but she assures that there’s nothing that can be done.

SULLY: Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

(SCL – Wants to correct Isaiah’s mistake without outwardly blaming Isaiah)

ISAIAH: Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

(SCL – Wants to Segway the conversation to discussing the worms)

JUDE: Undercover, Motherly, Terse, Curious

(SCL – Wants to forget her past in her final moments)

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully keeps his distance from Jude, who’s actively engaging with Isaiah as he draws out the section of the space colony with a pen and paper.

JUDE

You’re certainly skilled as an artist.

ISAIAH

Do you know what it is yet?

Jude, recognizing the patterns…

JUDE

Oh, I couldn’t guess.

ISAIAH

But, if you’re a spy—

JUDE

I know, I know. I must not be a very good spy.

SULLY

About that…

Jude shifts her attention to Sully across the room.

SULLY

Why wouldn’t a Hegemony spy be in the bunker?

JUDE

What’s that? You’ll have to come closer. Old age and all.

Sully gets himself up. He feels Isaiah’s eyes on him, but isn’t ready to look his son in the eyes just yet.

SULLY

Aren’t you too valuable to stay on the outside with us? Or is it doctrine for you to…

(editing his delivery for the sake of small ears)

Close all the loops?

ISAIAH

Are you really a spy?

JUDE

What does your daddy think?

SULLY

Doubting the way you have access to and use an illegal weapon would be like Peter doubting Christ when he was on the water with him.

JUDE

I certainly wouldn’t consider myself to be comparable to Christ, seeing as how I’ve spent a lot of time on the other end of that spectrum. Still, maybe I’m misremembering in my old age, but didn’t Peter still doubt in that that moment? If memory serves, the poor lad almost drowned.

Sully, losing patience.

SULLY

Why are you on the outside of that bunker, Jude? Or is that a moniker for Judas?

JUDE

“Ye of little faith.” If you must know, you’re partially right. Doctrine does call for me to close one particular loop. Stupid me went and got myself infected.

Sully dives between Isaiah and Jude, picking him up to separate him from her.

ISAIAH

(struggling)

Dad, let go!

JUDE

The lad’s quite right. *cough, cough* Do calm down.

Isaiah worms his way out of Sully’s arms.

SULLY

How long?!

JUDE

(threatening)

You’ll want to keep your voice down.

SULLY

How much time do you have?

JUDE

(doing the math)

Oh, let’s see. *cough* Should be maybe about thirty minutes now?

SULLY

Isaiah, we have to go now.

JUDE

Would you calm down? *cough, cough*.

SULLY

Easy for you to say. You’ve got your next meal figured out.

JUDE

Pish, posh. You’ll have an answer for when they take over.

ISAIAH

Exactly, I’ve been thinking about a cure for a while now.

JUDE

Have you? That’s wonderful.

ISAIAH

Yeah, in theory—

SULLY

Isaiah, now’s not the time. We have to go.

JUDE

Go where, exactly? We’re all going to die here.

SULLY

I’m not giving up. Not on my son.

JUDE

I used to say the same thing. But you know, life’s a lot easier when you accept the inevitable.

ISAIAH

But, Jude. There’s a way. We just have to keep your lungs hydrated long enough. We can get a humidifier and get you plenty of water—

JUDE

And then what? You’d still have to extract the eggs. *cough* But, you use those smarts to help your daddy out. Maybe you two can get out of this.

(coughing becomes much more intense all of a sudden)

As for me. I don’t want to ruin a good thing.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Anticipation Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…The value in setting up a question at the beginning of a scene, and answering the question with another question at the conclusion of each scene. I wanted to go with Frank Darabont’s first few pages of THE WALKING DEAD pilot, but couldn’t find a version that I could reasonably copy and paste. So I went with the first few pages of A FEW GOOD MEN. Both start with teasers that open up a world of questions, both start with morally grey situations, and both include dialogue that immediately raises questions ABOUT THE CHARACTERS and their successes. In both scripts, the situations and terminology raise questions naturally: What’s a Code Red? What’s the difference between the different fire arm mags, and is the difference important? What does Rick mean by “What’s the difference between men and women,” If not Jo, then who is “the right man for the job,” etc. But, the dialogue itself presents questions about the characters that we want to know. Will Jo overcome her nervousness and succeed in her attempt to persuade the other officers to let her lead the case? What is the other side of Shane when he’s not around Rick? All of it is built in with such efficiency, you don’t notice the plethora of story questions being asked unless you’re looking for them.

The first few pages of A FEW GOOD MEN…

FADE IN:

EXT. A SENTRY TOWER —

— in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere. Small beams of light coming from lamps attached to the tower cut through the ground mist. We HEAR all the unidentifiable sounds of night in the woods. We also HEAR, very, very faintly, a slow, deliberate drum cadence. And as this starts, we begin to MOVE SLOWLY UP THE TOWER, more becomes visible now:… the sandbags on the ground piled ten-high… the steel, fire escape-type stairway wrapping around the structure and leading to the lookout post, and finally… THE LOOKOUT POST, maybe forty feet off the ground.

Standing the post is the silhouette of A MARINE. He’s holding a rifle and staring straight out. The drum cadence has been building slightly.

(Note: though the drum beat won’t play a role in the scene, it’s inclusion here not only raises the question but helps to connect the following scene. It’s simple but effective. In addition, the slow reveal of details helps to take us out of our current world and into the world of the script…into the world of The United States Military.)

CUT TO:

A WIDER SHOT OF THE FENCELINE. And we see by the moonlight that the tall wire-mesh fence winds its way far, far into the distance.

SUBTITLE: UNITED STATES NAVAL BASE GUANTANAMO BAY – CUBA.

The drum cadence continues, and we

CUT TO:

INT. A MARINE BARRACKS

We HEAR two pairs of footsteps and then

CUT TO:

(Note: the “CUT TO’s” are annoying, but they do help here to keep the pace moving between establishing shots. Rather than go into more detail, Aaron just cuts the sentence short and refers to a “CUT TO.” It’s another little trick that helps us not linger too long on anything where the importance of the moment doesn’t warrant more attention than what’s given.)

THE BARRACKS CORRIDOR

where we see that the footsteps belong to DAWSON and DOWNEY, two young marines who we’ll get to know later. They stop when they get to a certain door. The drum cadence is still growing. DAWSON puts his hand on the doorknob and turns it slowly. He opens’s the door and they walk into

INT. SANTIAGO’S ROOM – NIGHT

WILLY SANTIAGO, a young, very slight marine, lies asleep in his bunk. DAWSON kneels down by the bed, puts his hand on SANTIAGO’S shoulder and shakes him gently. SANTIAGO opens his eyes, looks at DAWSON, and for a moment there’s nothing wrong —

— and then SANTIAGO’s eyes fill with terror. He lunges out of the bed — but forget about it. In one flash DAWSON and DOWNEY grab him out of bed, and before the scream can come out, DOWNEY’s shoved a piece of cloth into SANTIAGO’s mouth.

Everything that happens next occurs with speed, precision and professionalism.

(Note: the description here is efficient. We don’t need to be told more because everyone’s actions, or the description of everyone’s actions tells us all we need to know: Santiago knows these two other marines, and isn’t concerned…at first. That alone tells us a lot about their relationship and that Dawson and Downey aren’t evil, in spite of what they’re about to do. In addition, the description “professionalism” raises so many questions about the nature of the Marine corps and how they treat their own.)

— A strip of duct tape is pulled, ripped, and slapped onto his mouth and eyes —

— A length of rope is wrapped around his hands and feet.

DOWNEY

(quietly)

You’re lucky it’s us, Willy.

(Note: “lucky it’s us.” Raises the question of how other Marines would act, what exactly is the prior relationship between Dawson and Downey and Santiago. What will be the consequences of Dawson and Downey’s actions.)

— An arm grabs him tightly around the neck, not choking him, just holding his head still —

— The drum cadence has built to a crescendo. We HEAR four sharp blasts from a whistle and we

SMASH CUT TO:

(Note: It’s a cliffhanger. They exist for a reason.)

EXT. THE WASHINGTON NAVY YARD – DAY

and the drum cadence we’ve been hearing has turned into Semper Fidelis and it’s coming from THE U.S. MARINE CORPS BAND, a sight to behold in their red and gold uniforms and polished

silver and brass. The BAND is performing on the huge and lush parade grounds before a crowd made up mostly of TOURISTS and DAY-CAMPERS. As the TITLES ROLL, we watch the BAND do their thing from various angles. Incredible precision is the name of the game. Each polished black shoe hitting the ground as if they were all attached by a rod. Each drumstick raised to the same fraction of a centimeter before striking. A RIFLE DRILL TEAM that can’t possibly be human. Flags, banners, the works.

(Note: This is an amazing comparison between the brutality we just witnessed, and the awe-inspiring performance of the Marine Corps. We, as the reader and eventually audience, are conflicted between the emotions of wanting to stay the hell away from the Corps, and wanting to drive to the local recruiting office this instant. And that conflict, though subtle and not necessarily a major part of the story, compels us to read and understand more about this fascinating world of the military, it’s virtues and flaws.)

SUBTITLE: THE WASHINGTON NAVY YARD, WASHINGTON, D.C.

CUT TO:

HIGH ANGLE of the entire band an we end credits.

CUT TO:

EXT. A RED BRICK BUILDING – DAY

It’s an important building, a main building. A few SAILORS enter and exit and

CUT TO:

A WOMAN

as she walks across the courtyard toward the brick building. The WOMAN is JOANNE GALLOWAY, a navy lawyer in her early 30’s. She’s bright, attractive, impulsive, and has a tendency to speak quickly. If she had any friends, they’d call her JO. As she walks, she mutters to herself …

(Note: Ah, the Creating Compelling Characters segment of this course. It’s perfect that rather than meet Kaffee next, we meet Jo, who is seemingly on the other end of the spectrum from Dawson and Downey. Again, the conflict of ideas makes us want to solve the puzzle as to how these ideas fit in the same world.)

JO

I’m requesting… I’m… Captain, I’d like to request that I be the attorney assigned to rep — I’d like to request that it be myself who is assigned to represent —

(she stops)

“That it be myself who is assigned to represent”? …Good, Jo, that’s confidence inspiring.

(Note: She’s preparing for an interview. Empathy: we’ve all been there and know what failing that interview feels like. Anticipation: can she succeed?)

We follow JO, still muttering, as she walks into the brick building which bears the seal of the

UNITED STATES NAVY – JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL’S CORPS

CUT TO:

INT. WEST’S OFFICE – DAY

As JO enters. CAPTAIN WEST and two other officers, GIBBS and LAWRENCE, sit around a conference table.

GIBBS

Jo, come on in.

JO

Thank you, sir.

GIBBS

Captain West, this is Lt. Commander Galloway. Jo, you know Mike Lawrence.

JO

Yes sir.

(to WEST)

Captain, I appreciate your seeing me on such short notice.

WEST

I understand there was some trouble over the weekend down in Cuba.

JO

Yes sir… This past Friday evening. Two marines, Corporal Harold Dawson and Private Louden Downey, entered the barracks room of a PFC William Santiago and assaulted him. Santiago died at the base hospital approximately an hour later. The NIS agent who took their statements maintains they were trying to prevent Santiago from naming them in a fenceline shooting incident. They’re scheduled to have a hearing down in Cuba at 4:00 this afternoon.

(Note: Ah. So that’s what happened to Santiago in the previous scene. This whole story is going to be the fallout from that moment.)

LAWRENCE

What’s the problem?

JO

Dawson and Downey are both recruiting poster marines and Santiago was known to be a screw-up. I was thinking that it sounded an awful lot like a code red.

Jo lets this sink in a moment.

(Note: “But what’s a code red?” the reader asks. Yeah, you can call it cheap, but it works to keep up reading. Aaron’s smart in knowing that the audience doens’t need to know crap yet. All they need to know is that “code red” is important in the military world, and so if we want to know more, we’d better keep on reading.)

WEST

(under his breath)

Christ.

(Note: So, whatever this “code red” is, it must be pretty bad, and sounds an aweful lot like the previous brutality is something official that the Marines carry out on their own. Why would they do this to each other? Have to keep reading to find out.)

JO

I’d like them moved up to Washington and assigned counsel. Someone who can really look into this. Someone who possesses not only the legal skill, but a familiarity with the inner workings of the military. In short, Captain, I’d like to suggest that… I be the one who, that it be me who is assigned to represent them.

(beat)

Myself.

(Note: Man, that was bad. Again, Empathy: we’ve delivered a bad interview before. In addition, we know immediately Jo’s big weakness. We also know Jo, this perceived good natured and virtuous woman, WANTS to represent two men we’ve just found out murdered a fellow marine. Why and will, should they be freed from their charges? What’s so great about the teaser as well is that we’ve seen for ourselves what Dawson and Downey did. WE’RE WITNESSES. So, by extension, we’re a part of the jury, and engaged in this trial. If you’re not hooked yet…)

Jo looks around the room for a response.

WEST

Joanne, why don’t you get yourself a cup of coffee.

JO

Thank you, sir, I’m fine.

WEST

Joanne, I’d like you to leave the room so we can talk about you behind your back.

(Note: This is just funny. We know she didn’t get the gig, but what will they decide candidly when Jo’s not in the room?)

JO

Certainly, sir.

JO gets up and walks out.

WEST

I thought this Code Red shit wasn’t going on anymore.

LAWRENCE

With the marines at GITMO? Who the hell knows what goes on down there.

(Note: Ah, so the GITMO is its own unique world, isolated from the rest of the military. What all does that encompass, and how else is GITMO unique?)

WEST

Well lets find out before the rest of the world does, this thing could get messy. What about this woman?

LAWRENCE

Jo’s been working a desk at internal affairs for what, almost a year now.

WEST

And before that?

GIBBS

She disposed of three cases in two years.

WEST

Three cases in two years? Who was she handling, the Rosenbergs?

GIBBS

She’s not cut out for litigation.

LAWRENCE

She’s a hall of an investigator, Jerry —

GIBBS

In Internal Affairs, sure. She can crawl up a lawyer’s ass with the best of ’em, but when it comes to trial work —

WEST

I know. All passion, no street smarts. Bring her back in.

(Note: More about Jo’s character. She’s a fighter. We like her spirit, and know exactly why she’s not the one. But then, who is?)

LAWRENCE goes to the door and motions for JO to come back in.

WEST (continuing)

Commander, we’re gonna move the defendants up here in the morning.

JO

Thank you, sir.

WEST

And I’ll have Division assign them counsel…

JO

(beat)

But… not me.

WEST

From what I understand from your colleagues, you’re much too valuable in your present assignment to be wasted on what I’m sure will boil down to a five minute plea bargain and a week’s worth of paper work.

JO

Sir —

WEST

Don’t worry about it. I promise you, division’ll assign the right man for the job.

(Note: Who is the right man?)

CUT TO:

EXT. SOFTBALL FIELD – DAY

THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB

(Note: Oh, ask and you shall receive.)

His name is LIEUTENANT JUNIOR GRADE DANIEL ALLISTAIR KAFFEE, and it’s almost impossible not to like him. At the moment he’s hitting fungoes to about a dozen LAWYERS who are spread out on the softball field on a corner of the bass. The ’27 Yankees they’re not, but they could probably hold their own against a group of, say, Airforce dentists.

(Note: More description of the world of the military and how it differs from the opening. For the most part, we’ve been introduced to a very normal world, in spite of the pageantry and violence shown in the beginning.)

KAFFEE’s in his late 20’s, 15 months out of Harvard Law School, and a brilliant legal mind waiting for a courageous spirit to drive it. He is, at this point in his life, passionate about nothing… except maybe softball.

(Note: How is a guy with no passions outside of softball going to be the right man? Is it a joke, throwing the case to the least qualified individual, or is Kaffee really a diamond in the ruff? Again, we’re engaged to find out more. Each scene is ending with an answer to the question it started with, while also raising more questions.)

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Characters for Horror

What I learned doing this assignment is…a different way of approaching characters. It’s weird coming up with so many characters where most have two purposes, one being to die horribly. It’s almost liberating in a way. I’m usually not nice to my characters to begin with, and have at times killed them off maybe a little too soon depending on whether they’ve fulfilled their story purpose. Never seen THE PURGE, but I’ll be sure to give it a watch and look out for these different character mechanics in other horror movies in the future. Also, in just continuing the brainstorming from the previous lesson, I’m finding the “group” of people is an easy step to overlook. For THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLARS, I knew what I wanted the main character to be, but I didn’t even think about the group until I started having to fill in the blanks. Without the group, it would’ve been closer to noir than a horror with noir elements. In taking this step to figure out the group mechanics and the characters, I found myself going in directions I might not have considered otherwise. The cicada monsters from the previous story were supposed to be part of a genuinely scary story, but brainstorming my way from Family Group, to Family Reunion, to Wedding made for an amazing discovery and potentially hilarious concept. That and the Kaiju storm chasing team (I realize GODZILLA 2000 already did this to a minor degree) were fun ideas that really helped me to flesh out more unique concepts going into this course.

BARE YOUR TEETH (working title)

Concept: In a last ditch effort to secure Stalingrad, Hitler releases the Nazi’s terrifying and untested secret project: Dinosaur hybrids. Now a ragtag group of Nazi and Communist soldiers have to make it out of the death trap that is Stalingrad if they are to succeed in their efforts to defect.

(Side note: What about bear hybrids for the sake of that pun: BEAR YOUR TEETH?)

Group: Team of Professionals

Dying Pattern: A – Put Six to Eight characters together and kill them off one by one

Characters:

Leader – Captain Fritz: Anti-Nazi/Pro German Army man organizes a group of German defectors to abandon Stalingrad

Rescuer – Lieutenant Grumman: Once proud to wave the Nazi flag when providing aid to China during the Japanese invasion, Grumman has since become disillusioned with the party and tries to recover the pride he once had in saving people rather than killing them.

Out of Control – Private Katz: A faithful believer in Nazi propaganda, the Private’s desire to return home to his newly expecting wife exceeds his desire to carry out the Nazi agenda..sometimes

Love Interest – Anastasia: A humble shopkeeper’s daughter turned deadly sniper, who begins to form a bond with Grumman when he saves her after she tried to kill him.

Introvert – L: A person from the steppes that was conscripted to fight for the red army, and struggles to communicate with the others

Complainer – Brutus: A red army captain that talks at length about the bureaucratic process of giving his subordinates orders he knows will fail.

The Carrier: Colonel Reitz: A super Nazi that botches the release of the dinosaur hybrids onto the city.

IT! CRASHED MY WEDDING (working title)

Concept: Every few millennia, ancient cicada-like monsters rise up from deep underground and kill off most life on earth. A wedding is crashed by this event when one of the monsters rises up at the “I do’s.”

Group: Social Event

Dying Pattern: A – Put Six to Eight characters together and kill them off one by one.

Characters:

Leader: The Groom – Apocalypse nerd gets his shot to prove his interests weren’t a complete waste of time, when he’s called to save both his family and his newly wed wife’s family

Love Interest: The Bride – Tries to make the most of her wedding by continuing the festivities wherever she can while family members get eaten

Obnoxious: The Father of the Bride – Seeks any way to separate The Groom and The Bride, disapproving of his daughter’s choice in a nerd.

Rebel: Mother of the Bride – Dotes over The Groom and Bride, and does whatever she can to subvert her husband.

Complainer: Mother of the Groom – Nitpicks every small detail, even in the face of the apocalypse

Sacrificial Lamb: Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Phil – Just…the worst…

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLARS (working title, and yeah I know it’s probably borderline copyright infringement)

Concept: A detective tries to solve a string of grisly, cannibalistic murders that link up to a famous crime fighting superhero.

Group: Team of Professionals

Dying Pattern: A – Put Six to Eight Characters together and kill them off one by one

Characters:

Leader: Detective Ryker – Leading a task force on finding a serial killer that’s been eating criminals.

Innocent: The Kid – New guy, fresh out of the academy and a big fan of the city’s resident superhero. Eager to make a name for himself and meet his hero.

Red Herring: Detective Barnes – competitor to Ryker and sympathizer to the killer, or at least supports the killing of the criminals.

Rebel: Sergeant O’Donnell – The Muscle of the group, retiring from the SEAL Teams to live a more peaceful life in the homicide division of the police force

Love Interest: Penny Yeager – A reporter and on again, off again flame for Detective Ryker. Her investigative skills rival his.

Monster Bait? (Don’t know fully what this is yet): The Bishop – A crime lord that’s also trying to solve the murders of his men, while staying one step ahead of the cops.

SPINES (working title)

Concept: The real horror is what the monster leaves behind. A Kaiju attack leaves a haze of radiation over a ruined city, and a group of survivors struggle to keep from turning into an image of the monster that attacked their city.

Group: Thrill Seekers (Storm chasers for Kaiju)

Dying Pattern: A – Put 6 to 8 characters together and kill them off one by one (this is getting repetitive, but it kinda makes sense to me. I mean, do you consider becoming a monster “surviving”)

Characters:

Leader: Will – manages the Kaiju chasing team and ensures all safety regulations are taken seriously

Love Interest: Sybil – Monster conservationist and wife to Will. She keeps group informed on behavior patterns of radioactive monsters.

Complainer: Simon – Computers wiz and general grouch. Won’t be in a good mood because optimism jinxes the operation, but is excellent at maintaining equipment and keeping contact with the outside.

Red Herring: Connie – Monster scientist and rival to Sybil. She studies kaiju anatomy and believes it may hold the key to curing many ailments, and replicates the specific radioactive process that occurs in kaiju

Introvert: Dan – Radiation expert and particularly shy around Connie. He helps her in many of her experiments, so that he can be closer to her, while also informing the group on proper radiation safety protocol

The Carrier: Gary – The best damned driver, and don’t you forget it. Ironically, the one who’s the best at keeping the group out of danger winds up being the one to lead them to their doom.

OPEN WIDE

Concept: On a recently colonized planet, a single father and his special needs son must find a way to work together and heal their relationship in order to survive a deadly infestation of alien, parasitic worms that infect and turn everyone in his colony into ravenous monsters.

Group: Social Group

Dying Pattern: Kinda a combination of A and C. I mean, the father and son make it, barely. But a whole lot of other people die.

Characters:

Leader: Sully – goes out of his way to protect and save his son

Innocent: Isaiah – high functioning Aspie who’s obsessed with the alien parasites and studied them in secret

Rescuer: Jude – Spy who rescues Sully and Isaiah as penance for her assisting the interstellar Hegemony cover up their involvement with the recent alien outbreaks.

Moral One: Markus – Holy man that is conscripted to fight aliens and quell any uprising of deserters

Out of Control – Apollo – Draft dodger, like Markus, who tries to start a mutiny to get out of fighting aliens when he’s conscripted.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Terrifying Monster(s)

What I learned doing this assignment is…to come up with something as unique as possible, and brainstorm like hell. I knew coming into this that I preferred creature features (that’s what I grew up with) over slasher movies. Still haven’t seen SCREAM, SAW, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, and you’d have to drag me unconscious to see a movie like OMEN or THE CONJURING. I’ll try to keep watching more of these horror movies (nothing involving demons. Nope. No way. Sorry. My religious background kinda makes it a little too real for me), so that I can start developing a better vocabulary for these monsters.

(Note: I tried to come up with several just for practice with brainstorming.)

The Monster: Dinosaur clones

Their Terror: The eat indiscriminately and want their prey alive and screaming when they eat them.

Their Mystery: Where did they come from, and how do you kill them?

Their Fear Provoking Appearance: Unlike the more realistic dinosaurs in JURASSIC PARK, these are genuine hybrids engineered with genocide in mind (taking the indominus rex and indoraptor up a couple notches)

Their Rules: They do not kill quickly, they do not pick sides, they cling to the shadows and wait to eat their prey alive, they do not attack arians?

Their Mythology: They’re one of many experiments developed by Nazi scientists hellbent on establishing a new world order.

The Monster: Humanoid Cicadas

Their Terror: They crawl out of the ground and slaughter their prey. They adapt to what they eat.

Their Mystery: How did they get in the ground and how long have they been there? Can they be stopped?

Their Fear Provoking Appearance: What starts out as a giant insect becomes more humanoid and strange as it eats more people and other animals, as well as plants.

Their Rules: They eat once a day, evolving overnight, and needing to eat the next day to become something worse.

Their Mythology: Every million years, the cicadas come out of dormancy and cause another mass extinction in their wake.

The Monster: A wannabe superhero with hunger pains

Their Terror: Doesn’t just stop bad guys, but eats them.

Their Mystery: What is the extant of his powers, or what other traits did he take from the radioactive caterpillar

Their Fear Provoking Appearance: A typical superhero, mask and all, who is a vicious cannibal, growing larger and larger with each victim

Their Rules: Possesses superhuman strength, agility, and a relentless need to eat, until he metamorphosizes into his final form.

Their Mythology: Teenager who was stung by a radioactive caterpillar becomes a superhero, but can’t control the dark side of his powers that compel him to eat until he becomes a human butterfly

The Monster: Humans becoming monsters via radiation from a kaiju

Their Terror: Spread the kaiju’s radiation, thus turning others into monsters as well, eat and tear each other, whether human or monster, to shreds.

Their Mystery: Is there any way to prevent the spread of their radiation

Their Fear Provoking Appearance: twisted spires and spines growing from people’s bodies, people growing to twice their size

Their Rules: As the radiation contorts their bodies, the victims lose their mind and expel radiation through their breath and spines, spreading it to others.

Their Mythology: After a Godzilla-like creature has rampaged through a city, the real terror begins when the radiation left behind transforms the survivors into the same monster that destroyed their home.

The Monster: Parasitic Alien Worms

Their Terror: They infect you, either with you being a brood mother for more worms, or a single worm uses your body as a shell and hunts with it.

Their Mystery: How did the population get out of hand, and is there anyway to stop the infestation?

Their Fear Provoking Appearance: They’re worms with teeth on their arrowhead faces. When they infect someone/something, the mouth of their host is detached from the rest of the cranium.

Their Rules: Jude – “You know how they work, don’t you? Their eggs grow like a fungus from back on Earth. At the end of her cycle, the queen burrows deep and her eggs grow out of her in any confined space, whether it be a cave, a tree hollow…or a space colony. Then, the fungal eggs are carried on the wind, or ventilation system, and breathed deep by a new host, where they’ll grow in less than an hour, so that GOD knows how many worms hatch from inside you, and take over your body like it’s their shell to go hunting with.” Yeah, when the eggs use up all the moisture in your lungs, that’s when they hatch and exit out of the mouth (first one to reach it gets to take the host’s body).

Their Mythology: The population used to be under control by a natural predator, but due to terraforming practices wiping out the keystone species, the worms can spread with reckless abandon.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin is being Dramatic!

What I learned doing this assignment is…I have certain strengths and weaknesses. I tried to incorporate each of the dramatic devices into my scene, and in doing so, I revealed to myself how much of a blank slate Markus really is. Also, it helped to see how this whole B plot could be a real page turner, as long as I utilize ALL of the dramatic skills, not just Conflict, Crucible, and Giving the scene a future. Also, trying to hit all of these skills like a checklist helps to build a mini-movie of scenes. I kind of have a “take it or leave it” attitude with the mini-movie method, but I think combining this with the mini-movie method helps to solidify certain arcs and bring out the best in them. For the purposes of this assignment, I’m looking at the Markus/Apollo B-plot and turning it into a mini-movie while trying to meet each of the dramatic devices. Below is one of the four scenes.

Markus – Discreet, Innocent, Loyal, Scholarly

SCL – Markus wants to stay hidden.

Apollo – Decisive, Headstrong, Discreet, Loyal

SCL – Apollo wants to know what’s going on and recruit Markus.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – LOADING CORRIDOR

A back and forth line of bodies fills up the entirety of a hallway. Barely lit by fluorescent lighting, it’s a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare.

In the middle somewhere, a mother asks if anyone’s seen her child, but the only answer she receives is the dull roar of the room and bodies of people packed too tight to effectively turn.

Above the ceiling and lights is a honeycomb metal grid, where all the passengers see is black. What they can’t see walking above the metal grid are the armed guards surveying the passengers, isolating different conversations.

Apollo follows Markus, the following in one direction, while two lines on opposite sides of them walk the other way. Everyone, eventually, is walking toward the exit, illuminated at the end of tight room.

APOLLO

You ever think about dying?

MARKUS

I try not to.

APOLLO

Fair. Say, where on Earth are you from?

MARKUS

Minden.

APOLLO

Louisiana?

MARKUS

Yeah.

APOLLO

Same!

MARKUS

I’m sure you were.

APOLLO

Did you know Mr. Bureaux?

MARKUS

(recognizing the name)

Yeah!

(beat)

He’s the one who convinced me to get out of there.

APOLLO

Not a fan of small towns, huh?

MARKUS

What do you want from me?

Apollo sighs heavily, trying to gather his thoughts.

APOLLO

Look, we got on the right foot, then the wrong foot, maybe we’ll get back on the right foot again. Forgive me, I’ve never started a rebellion before.

MARKUS

Shut up! No one here has.

A passenger, ALEX, leans over from the other line.

ALEX

Hey, need a hand getting out of this?

MARKUS

Shush!

APOLLO

Absolutely, mate! There’s more of us than them, anyway. Spread the word.

MARKUS

Stop it! There’s no way we’re getting out of this by being violent.

APOLLO

Markus, what do you think this line is for?

MARKUS

I don’t care. Just lie low and no one will get hurt.

APOLLO

You’re being conscripted to fight monsters you dupe!

The line continues moving.

ALEX

See y’all on the other side.

(to another passenger)

Hey, there’s more of us than them. Want to get out of this?

APOLLO

I don’t know where the guy who gave a hand the minute he woke up went, but this vessel, these people need you?

MARKUS

I’m a book worm who left a small town to go be a big fish where big fish live.

APOLLO

Welcome to the fucking ocean, shark.

MARKUS

I didn’t mean like this.

APOLLO

No, but you’re a shark. You didn’t hesitate to help me out when I was falling. You didn’t hesitate to leave a small town the first chance you got. Why be a guppy now when when you can be a part of the history you claim to love?

Long pause as Markus faces his internal crisis, wishing he could go home.

APOLLO

Spread the word. I’ll be waiting for you.

MARKUS

Wait, what?

APOLLO

I gotta make this happen. American Revolution, mate. We’re the minute men, right?

Apollo ducks under the iron bar separating the lines, trading places with Alex.

Markus thinks about his place in all of this. He extends a hand to the passenger in front of him.

PASSENGER

(shaking the hand off)

I heard what y’all said. I’m not interested in getting myself killed.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s being dramatic (V.2)

(Adding the whole B-plot for greater context and use of all of the skills. Was able to cut it down by three pages so far and updated both Apollo and Markus.)

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – CRYOPODS

Rows of pods, stacked high, one on another, ascend to the ceiling and run the length of a long room.

A crimson light flashes and scans the room from the end of the hallway.

COMPUTER VOICE

(Off screen)

Scan complete. Emergency call on Venus Prime, Colony 7 received. Diversion initiated.

The red light vanishes.

Fluorescent lights flicker on overhead.

The pods open.

A young religious missionary, MARKUS, groans as he sits up. He’s on his way into space to avoid being drafted into a ground war on Earth, desperate to maintain his innocence and save lives by spreading the good news.

Markus hits his head on the pod immediately above him. He holds his head as he still strains to fully wake up. He reaches for the edge of his pod and grasps a hand.

The hand shakes away Markus’ hand. The hand belongs to a BURLEY MAN.

Markus looks over, surprised.

BURLEY MAN

Watch it!

The burley man continues his descent.

Markus peaks out of his pod, watching a waterfall of passengers climb out of their pods.

A foot steps down on Markus’ head.

Markus pulls his head back in fast…

Causing the foot to slip.

VOICE

Oh me god!

Markus, frozen, watches two feet dangling in front of his bunk.

He snaps out of it and places his hands underneath the dangling feet.

MARKUS

I’m sorry!

The weight on his hands starts to make Markus slide toward the edge of his bunk.

MARKUS

Heavenly Father, give me strength!

VOICE

(straining)

I’m not…letting go now!

Markus presses up with all his strength…

Lifting the feet up, until suddenly…

The weight has left his hands…

But Markus slides out of his bunk…

Barely catching the edge before he plummets to the floor twelve feet below.

Markus, looking down, catches his breath.

VOICE

Hey! Hey you!

Markus looks up.

Above him is APOLLO, about the same age as Markus, but different in every visible metric. Where Markus is bookish to the nth degree, Apollo is a physical specimen, almost like he’s the actual Greek god, with the exception of a missing arm.

APOLLO

Thanks, mate! Now could ye move? Me arm’s gettin’ tired.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – FEEDING PEN

Markus follows a line of people down a narrow hallway. There’s barely enough room for him to turn around and talk with Apollo just behind him.

The line crashes to a full stop. Some awkward shuffling concludes in everyone facing a tube and tray. Slop flushes out of the tubes and lands on the tray with an audible squish, but no one seems to mind the conditions, as a dull roar of pleasantries fills the hall.

Markus begins to silently pray to himself.

Watching Markus’ closed eyes, Apollo steals a couple bites off his plate.

APOLLO

Just so ye know, it was the fella next to ye.

Markus continues praying silently.

APOLLO

Like I said…

(grabbing more food)

Fella next to ye. Taking full advantage of a wall flower such as yerself.

The FELLA next to Markus tries to stab his spoon into Apollo’s hand, but misses and hits Markus’ tray.

The bang of the dish wear jolts Markus out of his prayer, seeing Fella’s spoon deep in his slop.

MARKUS

I would’ve been happy to share if you’d have asked.

FELLA

(taking his spoon away)

It be bad luck to steal from a holy man.

MARKUS

Well, what brings you two out to the final frontier?

FELLA

Work.

APOLLO

Draft dodging.

Markus blushes. Really?

APOLLO

Yeah, I’d be a fookin’ angel o’death on them bastards. But me good hand’s tied up at the moment.

MARKUS

Seems our nations have a funny way of signing up only the most qualified.

APOLLO

Yeah. You can tell yer god was forced to give me a handicap. The son of a bitch knew how much of a killing machine I’s to become.

MARKUS

Well, you’re not exactly the only one GOD didn’t plan to have drafted.

APOLLO

Ah, so ye think draft dodging makes us brothers?

MARKUS

Shhhhhh!

APOLLO

Hey, don’t sweat it! Hegemony’s above all that, yeah?

A buzz alerts the passengers.

INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.)

Good morning, passengers. First I would like to apologize for any inconvenience. Our voyage has been delayed. A call has been made for liquidators to assemble at Venus Prime, colony seven.

The feeding pen gives an audible sound of concern.

INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.)

You will report at o’seven hundred in the assembly bay for your roles. You will be required to present proof that you are with a child of your own, or are too disabled to assist in this effort to relieve our brothers and sisters on Venus Prime, colony seven. Enjoy your meal.

The line explodes into a chaotic buzz of questions and concerns.

MARKUS

(to Apollo)

Hey, what does this mean?

APOLLO

Ye a preacher. Ye know how to read.

FELLA

What he be sayin’ is you two dodged a draft so ya could be conscripted.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – LOADING CORRIDOR

A back and forth line of bodies fills up the entirety of a hallway. Barely lit by fluorescent lighting, it’s a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare.

Above the ceiling and lights is a honeycomb metal grid, where armed guards survey the passengers, isolating different conversations.

Apollo follows Markus who keeps up a constant pray in line, while two lines on opposite sides of them walk the other way. Everyone, eventually, is walking toward the exit, illuminated at the end of tight room.

APOLLO

Ye ever think about dying?

MARKUS

I’m a preacher.

APOLLO

Fair. So, why’d ye dodge the draft?

MARKUS

I can’t kill.

APOLLO

Ha! Ye’ll kill before the end of the day.

MARKUS

Yeah? I’ll drop my oath that easily?

APOLLO

Ye be killin’ aliens the minute ye see they’re teeth. That or…

Markus lifts his head up from his praying hands.

MARKUS

I’m not a killer.

APOLLO

Ye a die-er then.

MARKUS

I’ll pray for you.

APOLLO

I’ll take it and your services, mate.

MARKUS

What do you want from me?

Behind them, a panel of the ceiling opens, allowing for the guards to pull up one of the PASSENGERS.

PASSENGER

Wait! I didn’t mean it! I didn’t—

The ceiling panel is replaced, and the line keeps moving forward like nothing happened.

Apollo sighs heavily, trying to gather his thoughts.

APOLLO

(still looking behind at the source of the passenger’s pleas)

Yeah, I’m gonna need ye to use that education ye got and read between some fookin’ lines.

MARKUS

Send whatever you want to say to GOD.

APOLLO

That was ye fookin’ god they just took.

MARKUS

Stop it! There’s no way we’re getting out of this by being violent.

APOLLO

Markus, what do ye think this line is for?

Markus slams his forehead into his prayer hands.

APOLLO

I’m no preacher man, but I know ye god asked Gideon to spread the fookin’ word. I know ye’ll answer his fookin’ call.

MARKUS

Wait, what?

APOLLO

This is why ye got outa the draft, mate. Think about it. GOD called ye here. Now answer his fookin’ call.

Apollo ducks under the iron bar separating the lines, trading places with one of the passengers.

Markus thinks about his place in all of this.

INT. HANGAR

Markus waits his turn. He’s next in line to retrieve what looks like a double-barrel shotgun, with an axe blade on the butt of the gun and a handle running the length of the barrel.

A MOTHER and CHILD stand in front of a desk with a SOLDIER behind it.

MOTHER

This is a mistake! This is my son!

The soldier refuses to make eye contact with the mother.

SOLDIER

Mam, we’ve been through this. He is not your son.

MOTHER

He is! So what if he’s adopted!?

The child starts to cry.

CHILD

Mamma, what does adopted mean?

SOLDIER

Only biological parents are exempt. Now get out of line and report to your post.

MOTHER

He’s my son! I’ve raised him from birth! You have all of the papers!

Two other soldiers come to the line. They pry the child from his mother.

CHILD

Mamma! Mamma!

The mother is dragged away by one soldier, as the other soldier takes the kicking and screaming child.

MOTHER

You can’t do this!

SOLDIER

Next!

Markus, wide eyed, steps forward.

SOLDIER

Name and bunk number?

MARKUS

What’ll happen to them?

SOLDIER

Your name and bunk number, civilian.

MARKUS

Markus Smirnov. Bunk–

SOLDIER

And your bunk number?

MARKUS

Bunk 67A.

The soldier scans his book, makes a couple notes and stamps several documents.

MARKUS

Excuse me, I’m a holy man.

SOLDIER

Do you have a ‘biological’ child, or are you disabled?

Markus opens his mouth to answer.

SOLDIER

Adopted children will not be identified as your own.

MARKUS

No.

SOLDIER

No what?

MARKUS

No. No kids, and–

SOLDIER

And, you’re obviously not disabled. You’re on exterminator duty.

The soldier hands Markus the long barreled gun.

SOLDIER

This is a short range pulse blaster. You will not refer to it by any other name.

Markus takes the weapon carefully, as though it may bite him.

MARKUS

Isn’t this illegal?

SOLDIER

No. Guns are illegal. This is a short range pulse blaster.

MARKUS

I swore an oath.

SOLDIER

(ignoring)

You kill aliens with it. Keep it pointed at the ground at all times. If you see an alien, get up close and make sure you don’t shoot your comrades.

The soldier waves for Markus to step up to a yellow line. A torn up dummy stands about a yard away.

SOLDIER

Remember to keep it pointed at the ground. This is how close you want to be before taking aim. Aim down the sights.

Markus aims down the sights of the gun.

SOLDIER

You have one shot. You will not be equipped with more upon deployment, Now, fire.

Markus pulls the trigger.

The shotgun kicks back, and a plume of rock and smoke explodes from the dummy.

SOLDIER

Congratulations. You’ve been adequately trained to fight aliens.

A tactical space suit finishes printing on the Soldier’s desk. The Soldier takes out the space suit from the printer and an ear piece from a cardboard box under the desk and hands both to Markus.

SOLDIER

Place the ear piece in now.

Markus obeys.

SOLDIER

Please no sudden moves as the ear piece calibrates.

VOICE (O.S.)

(in the earpiece)

You’re one to follow instructions well.

Markus freezes.

The soldier nods, knowing.

SOLDIER

Please report to section 43-Alpha.

Markus walks away, stunned.

In the background, other conversations are overheard similar to one Markus just encountered, with other titles being given, including exterminator, weapon printer, cleaner, and exempt from civic duty.

VOICE (O.S.)

You would do well to follow these next instructions. You have been given one more shot in your short range pulse blaster. Be on the lookout for mutineers. Your earpiece has a camera on it. We will know if you come into contact with a mutineer. We will know if you do not do your civic duty and retaliate against a mutineer.

Markus sees Apollo, blaster strapped over his back, in the section he’s shuffling toward.

VOICE (O.S.)

If you catch any dissenters, we expect you to continue to do the right thing.

APOLLO

Markus.

Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.

APOLLO

Over hear.

MARKUS

Apollo, I’m glad to see you.

APOLLO

Same.

(whispering)

Listen—

MARKUS

I’ve been meaning to tell you, I had this dream. I know we don’t usually dream in cryo sleep. It’s supposed to be impossible. Doesn’t matter. You know what happened?

APOLLO

Keep ye voice down.

MARKUS

There were two brothers and a king.

APOLLO

Markus, listen—

MARKUS

The king would execute both brothers, unless one was willing to…to, um…

APOLLO

Yeah, but that’s not how the fookin’ story ends, innit?

MARKUS

Excuse me?

Apollo grabs Markus by the shoulders.

APOLLO

The two brothers caved the fookin’ king’s head in.

MARKUS

GOD, tell me what to do.

APOLLO

Listen. I’m ye fookin’ prophet, and we’re gonna cap these tyrannical bastards before we fight for them.

VOICE (O.S.)

You know what to do.

The drone of the room is interrupted by screams coming from another section.

APOLLO

It’s not time?

Markus catches a glimpse of a soldier holding an earpiece to his ear, before walking toward him and Apollo.

Markus pushes Apollo out of the crowd.

APOLLO

What’re you doing?

Markus

(forcing the words out of his mouth)

You…You’re a mutineer!

Realization washes over Apollo’s face, his eyes screaming in horror.

Markus raises the blaster, weighing five times heavier in his hands than when he first received it.

APOLLO

What’re you talking about? I was just—

KERPLOW!!

Markus drops the blaster to the ground. His eyes will his friend back to life.

The SOLDIER walks up and hands the blaster back to Markus.

SOLDIER

Very good.

Markus takes the blaster automatically, his eyes still transfixed on the man he murdered.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron’s being Dramatic (V.3)

(Adjusted Markus’ turning point at the end to make it a little more believable, wrote the accents to be much less severe and simply referenced them with the relevant character’s introduction, and hopefully made the descriptions clearer. Thanks again for the amazing notes, Dana, Matthew, and Kate!)

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – CRYOPODS

Hundreds of pods cling to each of the four walls of a massive room. The rows of pods ascend all the way up a thirty foot high ceiling.

Several crimson lights flash and scan the room.

COMPUTER VOICE

(Off screen)

Scan complete. Emergency call on Venus Prime, Colony 7 received. Diversion initiated.

The red light vanishes.

Fluorescent lights flicker on overhead.

The pods open.

A young religious missionary, MARKUS, groans as he sits up. He’s on his way into space to avoid being drafted into a ground war on Earth, desperate to maintain his innocence and save lives by spreading the good news.

Markus hits his head on the pod immediately above him. He holds his head as he still strains to fully wake up. He reaches for the edge of his pod and grasps a hand.

The hand shakes away Markus’ hand. The hand belongs to a BURLEY MAN.

Markus looks over, surprised.

BURLEY MAN

Watch it!

The burley man continues his descent.

Markus peaks out of his pod, watching a waterfall of passengers climb out of their pods.

A foot steps down on Markus’ head.

Markus pulls his head back in fast…

Causing the foot to slip.

VOICE (O.S.)

(in a thick Cockney accent)

Oh my god!

Markus, frozen, watches two feet dangling in front of his bunk.

He snaps out of it and places his hands underneath the dangling feet.

MARKUS

I’m sorry!

The weight on his hands starts to make Markus slide toward the edge of his bunk.

MARKUS

Heavenly Father, give me strength!

VOICE

(straining)

I’m not…letting go now!

Markus presses up with all his strength…

Lifting the feet up, until suddenly…

The weight has left his hands…

But Markus slides out of his bunk…

Barely catching the edge before he plummets to the floor twelve feet below.

Markus, looking down, catches his breath.

VOICE

Hey! Hey you!

Markus looks up.

Above him is APOLLO, about the same age as Markus, but different in every visible metric. Where Markus is bookish to the nth degree, Apollo is a physical specimen, almost like he’s the actual Greek god, with the exception of a missing arm and the accent.

APOLLO

Thanks, mate! Now could you move? My arm’s gettin’ tired.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – FEEDING PEN

Markus follows a line of people down a narrow hallway. There’s barely enough room for him to turn around and talk with Apollo just behind him.

The line crashes to a full stop. Some awkward shuffling concludes in everyone facing a tube and tray. Slop flushes out of the tubes and lands on the tray with an audible squish, but no one seems to mind the conditions, as a dull roar of pleasantries fills the hall.

Markus begins to silently pray to himself.

Watching Markus’ closed eyes, Apollo steals a couple bites off his plate.

APOLLO

Just so you know, it was the fella next to you.

Markus continues praying silently.

APOLLO

Like I said…

(grabbing more food)

Fella next to you. Takin’ full advantage of a wall flower such as yourself.

The FELLA next to Markus tries to stab his spoon into Apollo’s hand, but misses and hits Markus’ tray.

The bang of the dish wear jolts Markus out of his prayer, seeing Fella’s spoon deep in his slop.

MARKUS

I would’ve been happy to share if you’d have asked.

Fella takes his spoon away.

FELLA

(in a similar accent to Apollo)

It’d be bad luck to steal from a holy man.

MARKUS

Well, what brings you two out to the final frontier?

FELLA

Work.

APOLLO

Draft dodging.

Markus blushes. Really?

APOLLO

Yeah, I’d be a fuckin’ angel o’death on them bastards. But my good hand’s tied up at the moment.

MARKUS

Seems our nations have a funny way of signing up only the most qualified.

APOLLO

Yeah. You can tell your god was forced to give me a handicap. The son of a bitch knew how much of a killing machine I was to become.

MARKUS

Well, you’re not exactly the only one GOD didn’t plan to have drafted.

APOLLO

Ah, so you think draft dodging makes us brothers?

MARKUS

Shhhhhh!

APOLLO

Hey, don’t sweat it! Hegemony’s above all that, yeah?

A buzz alerts the passengers.

INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.)

Good morning, passengers. First I would like to apologize for any inconvenience. Our voyage has been delayed. A call has been made for liquidators to assemble at Venus Prime, colony seven.

The feeding pen gives an audible sound of concern.

INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.)

You will report at o’seven hundred in the assembly bay for your roles. You will be required to present proof that you are with a child of your own, or are too disabled to assist in this effort to relieve our brothers and sisters on Venus Prime, colony seven. Enjoy your meal.

The line explodes into a chaotic buzz of questions and concerns.

MARKUS

(to Apollo)

Hey, what did all of that mean?

APOLLO

You’re a preacher. You know how to read between the lines.

FELLA

What he be sayin’ is you two dodged a draft so you could be conscripted.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – LOADING CORRIDOR

A back and forth line of bodies fills up the entirety of a hallway. Barely lit by fluorescent lighting, it’s a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare.

Above the ceiling and lights is a honeycomb metal grid, where armed guards survey the passengers, isolating different conversations.

Apollo follows Markus who keeps up a constant prayer in line, while two lines on opposite sides of them walk the other way. Everyone, eventually, is walking toward the exit, illuminated at the end of the tight room.

APOLLO

You ever think about dyin’?

MARKUS

I’m a preacher.

APOLLO

Fair. So, why’d you dodge the draft?

MARKUS

I can’t kill.

APOLLO

Ha! You’ll kill before the end of the day.

MARKUS

Yeah? I’ll drop my oath that easily?

APOLLO

You’ll be killin’ aliens the minute you see they’re teeth. That or…

Markus lifts his head up from his praying hands.

MARKUS

I’m not a killer.

APOLLO

You’re a die-er then.

MARKUS

I’ll pray for you.

APOLLO

I’ll take it and your services, mate.

MARKUS

What do you want from me?

Behind them, a panel of the ceiling opens, allowing for the guards to pull up one of the PASSENGERS.

PASSENGER

Wait! I didn’t mean it! I didn’t—

The ceiling panel is replaced, and the line keeps moving forward like nothing happened.

Apollo sighs heavily, trying to gather his thoughts.

APOLLO

(still looking behind at the source of the passenger’s pleas)

Yeah, I’m gonna need you to use that education you got and read between some fuckin’ lines.

MARKUS

Send whatever you want to say to GOD.

APOLLO

That was your fuckin’ god they just took.

MARKUS

Stop it! There’s no way we’re getting out of this by being violent.

APOLLO

Markus, what do you think this line is for?

Markus slams his forehead into his prayer hands.

APOLLO

I’m no preacher man, but I know your god asked Gideon to spread the fuckin’ word. I know you’ll answer his fuckin’ call.

MARKUS

Wait, what?

APOLLO

This is why you got out of the draft, mate. Think about it. GOD called you here. Now answer his fuckin’ call.

Apollo ducks under the iron bar separating the lines, trading places with one of the passengers.

Markus thinks about his place in all of this.

INT. HANGAR

Markus waits his turn in line. A MOTHER and CHILD stand in front of a desk with a SOLDIER behind it. A long 3-D printer runs the length of the desk, with a feeder of materials sitting on the floor next to the desk.

MOTHER

This is a mistake! This is my son!

The soldier refuses to make eye contact with the mother.

SOLDIER

Mam, we’ve been through this. He is not your son.

MOTHER

He is! So what if he’s adopted!?

The child starts to cry.

CHILD

Mamma, what does adopted mean?

SOLDIER

Only biological parents are exempt. Now get out of line and report to your post.

MOTHER

He’s my son! I’ve raised him from birth! You have all of the papers!

Two other soldiers come to the line. They pry the child from his mother.

CHILD

Mamma! Mamma!

The mother is dragged away by one soldier, as the other soldier takes the kicking and screaming child.

MOTHER

You can’t do this!

SOLDIER

Next!

Markus, wide eyed, steps forward.

SOLDIER

Name and bunk number?

MARKUS

What’ll happen to them?

SOLDIER

Your name and bunk number, civilian.

MARKUS

Markus Smirnov. Bunk–

SOLDIER

And your bunk number?

MARKUS

Bunk 67A.

The soldier scans his book, makes a couple notes and stamps several documents.

MARKUS

Excuse me, I’m a holy man.

SOLDIER

Do you have a ‘biological’ child, or are you disabled?

Markus opens his mouth to answer.

SOLDIER

Adopted children will not be identified as your own.

MARKUS

No.

SOLDIER

No what?

MARKUS

No. No kids, and–

SOLDIER

And, you’re obviously not disabled. You’re on exterminator duty.

What looks like a double-barrel shotgun, with an axe blade on the butt of the gun and a handle running the length of the barrel finishes printing from the 3-D printer and slides out toward Markus on a moving shelf.

SOLDIER

This is a short range pulse blaster. You will not refer to it by any other name.

Markus takes the weapon carefully, as though it may actually bite him.

MARKUS

Isn’t this illegal?

SOLDIER

No. Guns are illegal. This is a short range pulse blaster.

MARKUS

I swore an oath.

SOLDIER

(ignoring)

You kill aliens with it. Keep it pointed at the ground at all times. If you see an alien, get up close and make sure you don’t shoot your comrades.

The Soldier waves for Markus to step up to a yellow line. A torn up dummy stands about a yard away.

SOLDIER

Remember to keep it pointed at the ground. From the line to the dummy is how close you want to be before taking aim. Aim down the sights.

Markus aims down the sights of the gun.

SOLDIER

You have one shot. You will not be equipped with more until the moment you’re deployed, Now, fire.

Markus pulls the trigger.

The shotgun kicks back, and a plume of rock and smoke explodes from the dummy.

SOLDIER

Congratulations. You’ve been adequately trained to fight aliens.

A tactical space suit finishes printing on the Soldier’s desk. The Soldier takes out the space suit from the printer and an ear piece from a cardboard box under the desk and hands both to Markus.

SOLDIER

Place the ear piece in now.

Markus obeys.

SOLDIER

Please no sudden moves as the ear piece calibrates.

VOICE (O.S.)

(in the earpiece)

You’re one to follow instructions well.

Markus freezes.

The soldier nods, knowing.

SOLDIER

Please report to section 43-Alpha.

Markus walks away, stunned.

In the background, other conversations are overheard similar to the one Markus just encountered, with other titles being given, including exterminator, weapon printer, cleaner, and exempt from civic duty.

VOICE (O.S.)

You would do well to follow these next instructions. You have been given one more shot in your short range pulse blaster. Be on the lookout for mutineers. Your earpiece has a camera on it. We will know if you come into contact with a mutineer. We will know if you do not do your civic duty and retaliate against a mutineer.

Markus sees Apollo, blaster strapped over his back, in the section he’s shuffling toward.

VOICE (O.S.)

If you catch any dissenters, we expect you to continue to do the right thing.

APOLLO

Markus.

Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.

APOLLO

Over here.

MARKUS

Apollo, I’m glad to see you.

APOLLO

Same.

(whispering)

Listen—

MARKUS

I’ve been meaning to tell you, I had this dream. I know we don’t usually dream in cryo sleep. It’s supposed to be impossible. Doesn’t matter. You know what happened?

APOLLO

Keep your voice down.

MARKUS

There were two brothers and a king.

APOLLO

Markus, listen—

MARKUS

The king would execute both brothers, unless one was willing to…to, um…

APOLLO

Yeah, but that’s not how the fuckin’ story ends, innit?

MARKUS

Excuse me?

Apollo grabs Markus by the shoulders.

APOLLO

The two brothers caved the fuckin’ king’s head in for their troubles.

MARKUS

GOD, tell me what to do.

APOLLO

Listen. I’m your fuckin’ prophet, and we’re gonna cap these tyrannical bastards before we fight for them.

VOICE (O.S.)

You know what to do.

The drone of the room is interrupted by gunshots and screams coming from another section.

APOLLO

It’s not time?

Markus catches a glimpse of a soldier holding an earpiece to his ear. The soldier starts walking toward him and Apollo.

Markus pushes Apollo out of the crowd.

APOLLO

What’re you doing?

MARKUS

(forcing the words out of his mouth)

You…You’re a mutineer.

Realization washes over Apollo’s face, his eyes screaming in horror.

Markus tries raising the blaster, which feels like it weighs five times heavier in his hands than when he first received it.

Apollo makes a reach for the blaster…

And tries to rip it out of Markus’ hands.

APOLLO

Let it go, Markus.

MARKUS

(fighting to hold onto the blaster)

You’re a mutineer.

Apollo trips up Markus, sending him to the ground.

APOLLO

(mounting Markus)

What’re you talking about? I was just—

KERPLOW!!

Apollo lands a few feet away with an ugly flop.

Markus leaps to his feet, and upon seeing the body, drops the blaster to the ground. His hands fold into a prayer as his eyes will the gaping, cauterized hole in Apollo’s chest closed, but to no avail. The body that was once Apollo lays still and dead.

The SOLDIER walks up and hands the blaster back to Markus.

SOLDIER

Very good.

Markus accepts the blaster without thinking, his eyes still transfixed on the man he murdered.

[Cameron Martin]

DAWN OF THE DEAD Horror Conventions

What I learned doing this assignment is…First, you don’t need a big budget to make a scary movie. Have no idea why I just picked an expensive concept for horror, but I’m sure more exposure to the genre will yield more cost effective ideas. Two, this course may be a grind in some places. I like creature features, but horror by itself is something I’m very green to. Found myself covering my eyes at certain points, not out of fear, but because I’m just not interested in observing someone getting disemboweled in excruciating detail. That alone may be the reason for my aversion to the genre. Watching DAWN OF THE DEAD felt more like a long day of work than a two and half hour ride (though that may be because I watched the extended cut). However, as noted in the notes below, I did come away having a better understanding of the limitations of the horror genre, and what I should be looking for in my own concept.

1. Title / Concept: DAWN OF THE DEAD – A group of people from different backgrounds face the collapse of society together in the remains of a shopping mall, amidst a zombie apocalypse.

2. Terrorize The Characters: So many close calls, until the luck runs out and the characters get eaten or turned into zombies.

3. Isolation: A helicopter, then a shopping mall

4. Death: Being eaten and disemboweled by the undead
Monster/Villain: Zombies and each other

5. High Tension: Anybody could be dead, and they can come from anywhere, and the dead are completely silent. They can learn and remember!?

6. Departure from Reality: Society already collapsed/collapsing

7. Moral Statement: Racism gets you killed. Get a grip of your emotions (going so far as to sacrifice your humanity) to survive against the inhumane. Greed’ll get you killed because it clouds your judgement. Thinking gets you killed. Consumerism and possessiveness leads to the same zombification as the dead becoming undead.

Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great horror film?

First, never watched this before. Film just wastes no time. The chaos the news station is talking about extends into the news room itself, adding conflict and intrigue to the first 10 pages, and all of the rules are being established in the process. And major philosophical questions are being presented through both dialogue and character actions. This is amazingly efficient writing. Also, this is a factor of the times, but the practical effects are extremely horrifying. Add in the homework already established by the preceding NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, and the assumption this takes place as society is collapsing, and you have an energizing first act. However, because I watched the extended cut (big mistake on my part) this turns into a drama for about half of the second act, rather than sticking to the horror genre. It’s good, but it leads me to think you can’t make a horror epic that lasts more than two hours. Ninety minutes may be the sweet spot for maintaining that rollercoaster ride of terror.

With your concept, fill in each of these Conventions for your story.

1. Concept: Nazis release their latest weapon, cloned dinosaurs, to turn the tide in the battle of Stalingrad, but lose control of the beasts who start hunting with reckless abandon.

2. Terrorize The Characters: Stalingrad is a nightmare of urban warfare made worse by the presence of bloodthirsty dinosaurs who’ll attack any side.

3. Isolation: The city of Stalingrad
Death: Artillery, gunfire, bayonet fights, and of course being eaten alive.

4. Monster/Villain: Dinosaurs, Nazis, and Russians, oh my

5. High Tension: The Battle of Stalingrad, where Hitler’s armies were effectively left to die to the last man. Then dinosaurs are mixed with the puzzle, and the Red Army leads its forces through fear and incompetence (if you don’t follow your superior officer’s orders, no matter how dumb, you’ll be shot on the spot for insubordination)

6. Departure from Reality: War Movie meets Jurassic Park

7. Moral Statement: Fear is the reason for violence? I don’t know yet. There are good guys, but they’re under the command of ideological evils compelling them to kill each other. I’m sure something will come out of that.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin

I’ve completed one feature and started many others.

I hope to understand the horror genre better, both for my own trade as well as entertainment.

I’m a black belt in Taekwondo.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin Creates a Future!

What I learned doing this assignment is…Always be thinking how the scene turns and sets up the next one. Don’t get lost in a moment, and make sure to elevate the mundane moments with active, engaging events.

Markus – Discreet, Innocent, Loyal, Scholarly

SCL – Markus wants to stay hidden.

Apollo – Decisive, Headstrong, Discreet, Loyal

SCL – Apollo wants to know what’s going on and recruit Markus.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – CRYOPODS

Rows of pods, stacked high one on another, ascend to the ceiling and run the length of a long room.

A red light flashes and scans the room from the end of the hallway.

COMPUTER VOICE

(Off screen)

Scan complete. Emergency call on Colony 7 received. Diversion initiated.

The red light vanishes.

Fluorescent lights flicker on overhead.

The pods open.

A young college grad, MARKUS, barely in his twenties and on his way into space to avoid being drafted into a ground war on Earth, groans as he sits up.

Markus hits his head on the pod immediately above him. He holds his head as he still strains to fully wake up. He reaches for the edge of his pod and grasps a hand.

The hand shakes away Markus’ hand. The hand belongs to a BURLEY MAN.

Markus looks over, surprised.

BURLEY MAN

Watch it!

The burley man continues his descent.

Markus peaks out of his pod, watching a waterfall of passengers climb out of their pods.

A foot steps down on Markus’ head.

Markus pulls his head back in fast…

Causing the foot to slip.

VOICE

Oh my god!

Markus, frozen, watches two feet dangling in front of his bunk.

He snaps out of it and places his hands underneath the dangling feet.

MARKUS

I’m sorry!

The weight on his hands starts to make Markus slide toward the edge of his bunk.

MARKUS

I can’t hold on!

VOICE

Just give me a boost!

Markus presses up with all his strength…

Lifting the feet up, until suddenly…

The weight has left his hands…

But Markus slides out of his bunk…

Barely catching the edge before he plummets to the floor twelve feet below.

Markus, looking down, catches his breath.

VOICE

Hey! Hey you!

Markus looks up.

Above him is APOLLO, about the same age as Markus, but different in every visible metric. Where Markus is bookish to the nth degree, Apollo is a physical specimen, almost like he’s the actual Greek god, with the exception of a missing arm.

APOLLO

Thanks, mate! Now could you move? My arm’s getting tired.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – FEEDING PEN

Markus follows a line of people down a narrow hallway. There’s barely enough room for him to turn around and talk with Apollo, just behind him.

The line crashes to a full stop. Some awkward shuffling concludes in everyone facing a tube and tray. Slop flushes out of the tubes and lands on the tray with an audible squish, but no one seems to mind the conditions, as a dull roar of pleasantries fills the hall.

MARKUS

Finally, I’m starved.

APOLLO

Same, mate! So, what were you back on earth?

MARKUS

Historian. Or, at least, I just graduated to become one.

APOLLO

Historian? Shouldn’t you be where the history is?

Markus hesitates to confess.

MARKUS

Well, what brings you out to the final frontier?

APOLLO

Draft dodging.

Markus blushes. Really?

APOLLO

Yeah, could you imagine me fighting for a bunch of assholes with one arm? What does your history say about that?

MARKUS

Resource disputes are nothing new. I can’t believe you got drafted.

APOLLO

Yeah. Crips make up a large portion of the front line. They say they use performance enhancers and augmentations to make it sound less of issue, but only one of them things is cheap.

MARKUS

Damn. Makes me think of the Spartans or Nazis getting rid of…well, certain people.

APOLLO

So you’re saying this is nothing new?

MARKUS

Nope.

(giving a knowing look to Apollo)

Draft dodging isn’t new either.

APOLLO

No shit! You too?

MARKUS

Shhhhhh!

APOLLO

Don’t sweat it. Hegemony’s above all that. Hey, do you know why we’re up?

MARKUS

What you mean?

APOLLO

I mean in the packet they promised drinks. I’m missing an arm. Not blind or stupid. Why’re we up early?

MARKUS

You ready to party already?

Markus gives a sympathetic chuckle.

Apollo keeps a dead serious look.

APOLLO

(to the other passengers)

Anyone else get the idea this wasn’t planned?!

PASSENGER

I haven’t had my coffee yet.

APOLLO

That’s what I’m talking about. I mean, where’s the coffee?

PASSENGER 2

You’re thinking too hard!

A buzz alerts the passengers.

INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.)

Good morning, passengers. First I would like to apologize for any inconvenience. Our voyage has been delayed. A call has been made for liquidators to assemble at colony seven.

The feeding pen gives an audible sound of concern.

INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.) (CONT.)

You will report at o’seven hundred in the assembly bay for your roles. You will be required to present proof that you are with a child of your own, or are too disabled to assist in this effort to relieve our brothers and sisters on colony seven. Enjoy your meal.

MARKUS

(To Apollo)

Hey, what does this mean?

APOLLO

Beats me.

(to another passenger)

Hey pops! What’s up?

The other passenger, an older man, starts to tear up. He continues his gaze forward at the blank, stainless steel wall.

MARKUS

They can’t just conscript us, right?

The older man takes a deep breath.

OLDER MAN

I’m not in the mood. Ask someone else.

Markus looks around. A line of other faces, all with the same concerned look.

APOLLO

I left earth for this same bullshit!

MARKUS

Keep it down.

APOLLO

Nah. Screw that. What’s your history say about revolutions, huh?

Markus’ face darkens.

MARKUS

They don’t usually end well.

APOLLO

For who? The good guys or the bad guys?

Markus gives a look.

APOLLO

Blagh. This is why no one likes history.

MARKUS

History teaches how to act for the future.

APOLLO

Yeah, and what about our futures, mate? I think history can tell us exactly what to do about this. You with me?

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Misleads/Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment is…how this can be both a technique for extremely fun storytelling, as well as heartbreaking moments. Don’t have as much experience writing this way outside of the Thriller genre, so I hope to build up this skill for the future. Still, it was equally difficult and fun to build the foundations of a scene that shows both the best side of Sully’s character, promising the audience that he and Isaiah have turned a corner, and then ripping all of that away by showing the worst of Sully’s character, and how that side was always there throughout the entire scene. Should make for a decent ad for both of the leads when it’s written correctly to capture its maximum potential.

Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

Isaiah – Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Sully, under Isaiah’s guidance, sprays a mix of bleach, ammonia, and any other alkaline chemical they can find on their hazmat suits.

SULLY

Son?

ISAIAH

Yes, dad?

SULLY

How did you come to know they don’t like anything that’s alkaline?

Isaiah struggles to hide his excitement at the question.

ISAIAH

I don’t know. I just figured it out, I guess.

Sully gives him a look.

SULLY

You just figured it out?

ISAIAH

Yeah.

SULLY

While never seeing one until the past couple of hours?

ISAIAH

(unsure)

Um, yeah.

SULLY

Isaiah.

ISAIAH

Yes?

Sully gives his son a look.

Isaiah doesn’t let up.

SULLY

It’s me. I know how hollow that sounds, but I want you to know I love you with all my heart. You can tell me anything.

ISAIAH

You’ll be disappointed.

SULLY

I’ll be more disappointed if you leave me out of your life.

ISAIAH

You said I don’t have a say.

SULLY

Yet, what are we doing now? I know what I said, and your dad’s an asshole.

Isaiah blushes from the self accusation.

SULLY

I don’t want to be a jerk, I really don’t. I just want to see you safe more than I don’t want to see you hurt. If that makes sense.

ISAIAH

I know what you mean.

Long pause, as Isaiah collects his thoughts.

ISAIAH

They’re like me. Everything that bothers me, bothers them. And, when you understand them, they’re so cool. I found a small spore nest and grew a tank of them. And when I watched them grow I wished I could be just like them, among they’re own. People just like me.

Sully resists the urge to interject.

ISAIAH

I know. I know. I know. I know.

SULLY

You’re carrying a conversation with yourself again.

ISAIAH

I know. I know. I know.

SULLY

Listen. Come with me. I need to know what’s going on up there, and I think I know a place that’ll help you bring it out.

Sully offers Isaiah his hand. Isaiah accepts it, and Sully guides him to a walk-in closet.

The two enter the closet, with Sully kneeling down to meet his son’s eyes.

SULLY

Here. It’s just you and me. You can tell me anything.

ISAIAH

I want to be helpful, but I don’t know how. I just want to talk about them all day, but no one else wants that.

Sully hugs his son.

SULLY

I want to hear all about it. Let me grab us a couple bottles of water, first.

Sully stands up.

Isaiah takes his dad’s hand.

ISAIAH

Thank you, dad.

Sully fights back tears.

SULLY

Of course.

Sully walks out of the closet…

And quickly closes the door behind him.

He moves a pump action lift that he set next to the door earlier, and jams it up under the door.

ISAIAH

(from behind the door)

Daddy?!

SULLY

I’m sorry. I can’t lose you.

ISAIAH

Daddy! No!!

SULLY

I love you.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Crucible

What I learned doing this assignment is…Man, maybe I didn’t pick the right scene for this particular assignment. Still, I do think adding a crucible moment to an action scene makes for a more engaging event. It’s first draft work, but I know in it lies something potentially really awesome. You know what? It’s kinda like an amped up version of what I think many of the fight scenes in THE MATRIX are, particularly the fight between Morpheus and Neo, and later the fight between Neo and Agent Smith. In a way, both of these scenes are Crucible moments, first as Neo, the student, learning to give up his own understanding of reality, and later with Neo affirming himself. Both the subtle argument Neo has with Morpheus over what is and isn’t possible, and the battle Neo has with Agent Smith over who Neo is and isn’t make those fights matter. It’s a standard I hope to live up to in any action scene I write, and applying the concept of a “Crucible” to the exchange has the chance of making what would be a run-of-the-mill stunt bonanza into an impactful moment. This scene isn’t anywhere close to where it can be, but the foundation is there to improve this scene in subsequent edits.

Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

Isaiah – Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

Jude – Undercover, Motherly, Terse, Curious

INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Jude ushers in Sully and Isaiah through the front door, before slamming it on the host attacking them.

Sully takes note of the walls, washed with paint over several documents, notes, and pictures, like something illegal was being hidden.

Before the question of “why” enters his brain, Jude leads him and Isaiah to the back room…

Inside Sully finds a fully stocked shop – both manual and power tools dress the walls with different saws and tables extending from the walls.

SULLY

(pointing to a corner)

Isaiah, get over there and stay there.

ISAIAH

But—

SULLY

No—

ISAIAH

B—

SULLY

NOW!

Isaiah slinks over to the corner, watching his dad take two electric nailers off of the wall, load the charged batteries and row of nails into both, and duct tape the two nailers to his baseball bat, taping down the trigger in the process. Sully tests his new weapon by tapping the bat to the desk. The second the safety pins on the tips of the nailers are pressed, they both fire nails deep into the desk.

Meanwhile, Jude pulls out a part of the wall and presses her hand into a scan. What slides out from the wall is a laser gun!

ISAIAH

Guns are illegal in space!

JUDE

(cocking the weapon)

Don’t worry your pretty little head about that.

A loud CRACK sounds off from the front door. Heavy breathing and slithering make the aliens’ presence known from the hallway.

Jude takes aim…

A worm slithers just passed the door…

ZAP! Jude hits it square in the head.

A dozen worms slither in on top of each other…

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! Jude’s not missing a single shot, but there’re too many of them.

Sully charges in…

James, the alien host, enters the door frame…

Sully raises the bat…

SWING…

CHNNG! Two nails are sent into James’ head. The creature writhes in pain, sending James’ mouth out of his skull to snap at Sully.

Sully backs off, trying to comfort his broken hand, before swinging again…

CHNNG! He hits two more nails into the jaw and neck of James.

James crashes to the ground, lasting just a couple more moments.

Isaiah watches the carnage of several worms getting either blasted by laser fire or impaled and nailed to the floor.

His eyes shift back and forth between the aliens and his “protectors.” Finally, having enough, Isaiah looks around and finds a can of paint thinner.

Isaiah grabs the paint thinner, cracks it open with a screwdriver, and runs with it for the door.

SULLY

Isaiah! Stay back!

Isaiah ignores his dad, chucking out a splash of paint thinner on the door frame.

The thinner almost acts like a force field, pushing the worms out from the epicenter of the splash.

Isaiah keeps marching toward the swarm, dumping thinner over the floors with each step, careful to not splash any on the aliens.

With each step and pour, the worms are repelled further and further from the conflict…

Until Sully grabs Isaiah’s shoulder…

And pulls him back behind him.

ISAIAH

No!

SULLY

I said to stay behind! Stay safe, dammit!

Above the two, the ceiling creaks…

Isaiah tosses a torrent of the thinner…

Splashing it all over the ceiling…

And having it rain back down on them.

Sully shivers and freaks out, while Isaiah, looking up, gets thinner into his eyes.

Isaiah screams, blind.

A worm slides up his leg…

Jude takes aim…

Click. Her gun’s out of ammo!

The worm starts to wrap itself around Isaiah’s throat.

Sully grabs it and SQUEEZES before ripping it off his son and hurling it at the wall.

JUDE

Fall back!

Sully picks up his screaming child and throws his bat at the worms…

While running back into the shop.

The worms are hesitant to pursue them over the puddle of thinner…

Giving Jude enough time to reload.

She begins firing again.

ISAIAH

(hearing the laser blasts)

STOP! Don’t hurt them!

Meanwhile, Sully holds his son under the shop’s sink faucet, spraying water full blast into his son’s eyes to wash the thinner out.

SULLY

What the f— What are you talking about! They’re monsters!

Isaiah

NO THEY’RE NOT!

Sully pulls his son out from the sink, trying to check his son’s eyes, while keeping his eyes on the door.

Jude can’t hold them all back.

Isaiah’s eyes are bloodshot.

Sully reaches up for a cordless circular saw off the wall…

He pins the trigger and sheathe back…

And slides the exposed spinning blade toward the door…

Ripping a couple of worms to shred, and any others that attempt to slither over the spinning blade.

Isaiah grabs a box and dumps out the contents…

He runs toward the door again…

But Sully pulls him back.

ISAIAH

LET GO OF ME!

SULLY

STOP IT!

ISAIAH

You don’t have to kill them!

Sully takes a sledge hammer and bashes in James’ body, before pointing to it.

SULLY

Look at what they do! Look at what they will do to you!

ISAIAH

I hate you!

SULLY

I don’t give a shit! You don’t have a say! You do what I say! When I say it! Or else! That’s how we’re going to get through this!

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Amazing Setting

What I learned doing this assignment is…how to think creatively/critically about setting with respect to individual scenes, and that you can still maintain a restrictive budget while being creative with the setting. For example, in my first (only completed) screenplay, I had a lot of fun playing with settings that carried multiple meanings. One of these settings was the ruins of a football stadium, where peaceful monks lived and developed agriculture in the man-made valley. It was awesome for showing the connection of football to religion, the passage of time and transition of meaning, and was just plain cool to combine the image of football and rice fields in Asia. It would’ve also been stupidly expensive, and was probably one of many reasons I, as a first time feature screenwriter, couldn’t get the script sold. Taking lessons learned from that script, it was important to me to make sure the film could be shot on a MUCH more modest budget. Luckily, as this lesson teaches, a smaller budget doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice creativity, and a visually interesting setting that elevates the story’s themes and emotions can still be achieved.

General notes/thought process: For the most part, I feel most of the setting is fine. It fits into that 5 category in that it works for what the characters are doing. Honestly, most of the creativity is brought out through the characters themselves, where the combination of Sully’s inventiveness and Isaiah’s obsessive interest in the worms brings out unique aspects of the mundane that might not be observed by most with a first pass. However, for the purposes of elevating the setting to its most impactful, there are some trends I do need to do a better job in honoring. John Truby in his book “The Anatomy of Story” talks about setting and provides some umbrella concepts (Ocean, Forest, Jungle, Desert, Island, Mountain, Plain, and River) to help provide a purposeful direction to take a setting. Since this is supposed to be a horror story, I’m going to opt for “Jungle” as the setting, as this provides the feeling of claustrophobia and that danger can come out from anywhere. With this in mind, there’re a couple of scenes with settings that give the impression of wide open space: the cafeteria on the passenger vessel, and the walkway on top of the space colony.

Scene 1

BEFORE:

Essence of Scene:

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT (5)

Sully inches across the roof of the enclosed space colony in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. He walks over a weak point in the structure, but it manages to hold. Sully makes a mental note to avoid that spot in the future.

Setting:

Walkway on top of space colony, with a deforested alien jungle surrounding it.

AFTER:

New Setting:

Through the worms’ spore nest, that has enveloped part of the exterior of the space colony, like how a yellow jacket nest starts underground, but will expand above ground if left unabated.

How this has improved the scene:

Ratchets up the tension and unease a thousand fold. We go from having a clear view to an obelisk of potential swarming danger.

Scene 2

BEFORE:

Essence of Scene:

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL (1)

Markus and Apollo learn with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker. Apollo wants to start a mutiny, but Markus wants to lay low and hidden.

Setting:

A plain-jane cafeteria (great if you’re looking for a minimum budget and effort)

AFTER:

New Setting:

Human feeding pen, like how we fit as much livestock as possible into the most cost-effective space to hold them.

How this has improved the scene:

Is it over-the-top evil? Maybe. But I’ve read enough on history to know this wouldn’t be the first time humanity has shown an inhumanity to itself, particularly with treating human beings like sardines (refer to The Atlantic Slave Trade, The Jewish Holocaust, Operation Priboi, current Chinese treatment of Uyghurs). It keeps that unease felt in claustrophobic surroundings, and further establishes the mirrored comparison of parasitic alien worms with an authoritarian form of governance.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Setup/Payoffs

What I learned doing this assignment is…the more setups and payoffs you create in subsequent order, the faster paced your story becomes. Even when watching THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT, this was evident. There’re no real action sequences in THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT, but the fast paced nature of the script isn’t due solely to Aaron Sorkin’s frantic pace with respect to dialogue, but rather is created with constant setups and payoffs and twists.

Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

Isaiah – Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

(Well, crap. I kinda just picked out the following section and started writing before outlining an exact setup/payoff structure. Was in a bit of a hurry. I’ll be sure to fulfill the parameters of the assignment in order next time.)

(Still, here’re are a few of the setups/payoffs added that weren’t included in the original outline.)

Setup: A. Sully punches the bunker door

Payoff: A./D. Sully breaks his hand (Boxer’s fracture)

Setup: C. Sully’s broken hand.

Payoff: A./B. Isaiah uses it to get free from his dad.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late, with Isaiah still trying to get out of Sully’s grip. Sully is pissed off with Isaiah and lets him know as calmly as he can, informing him that they’ll have to work together to make it out alive.

Isaiah tells Sully he has a plan, but they have to stop running or carrying him.

CONT.

An adult alien worm (about 15 feet long) breaks through of a vent and slithers after them. Sully RUNS with Isaiah in tow, ignoring Isaiah’s previous suggestion. Isaiah kicks and tries to escape.

CONT.

Sully darts into a room where they find a stranger who’s hiding from his loved one who’s an alien host. Isaiah tries to say something about the aliens’ weakness, but when Sully hushes him, Isaiah creates a distraction that draws the worms and host away.

CONT.

The stranger makes a run for it and escapes from his loved one, but is subsequently infected by a worm slithering down his throat.

Setups and Payoffs included in the original outline…

Setup: A. Vent creaks

Payoff: D. Worm gives chase

Setup: C. Worm is gaining on them.

Payoff: E. Worm infects other character

Setup: D. Sully breaks into a new apartment.

Payoff: C. Other character is in the room (Sully just exposed a hapless stranger to dangers he tried to lock himself out of.)

Setup: Worm infects James

Payoff: James becomes a monster

INT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER EXTERIOR/HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – CONT. – NIGHT

Sully runs with a struggling Isaiah in tow, down an empty corridor and up to the tightly sealed door of the bunker.

The look on his face says it all. Too late.

Sully, wanting to just drop Isaiah in a heap, sets the temperamental child down as gently as he can.

He presses against the door, looking for any seam, any way inside.

SULLY

No, no, no, no. Dammit. Gahhhh!

Sully punches the hanger door. A crack sounds off from his fist.

Sully doubles over in obvious pain.

SULLY

Fuck! Fuck!

He looks over at his son, enraged at both him for not coming along easily, as well as himself for taking the time to make those stupid ear muffs.

Isaiah looks back at his dad, tears welling up in his eyes.

ISAIAH

(clutching the muffs tight to his ears)

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Sully works to calm himself, while looking in all directions. Adrenaline from the situation builds upon the adrenaline from fracturing his hand – how bad? He doesn’t know.

ISAIAH

I’m sorry.

SULLY

Listen.

ISAIAH

I’m sorry.

SULLY

Stop it! We have less than a minute…maybe. You’ve got to do as I say.

ISAIAH

I can help.

SULLY

Help me by doing exactly what I say.

ISAIAH

It’ll be okay.

Sully takes a deep breath, happy that his son seems to be taking this better than he is, before another wave of pain emirates from his hand.

Isaiah watches his dad wince.

ISAIAH

I know what to do, but you have to stop carrying me.

Sully holds up both his hands, straining to keep the broken one from shaking.

SULLY

I’m okay. Listen. This is serious. We have to work together if we’re going to get through this.

ISAIAH

Exactly.

A creak sounds off from the vent.

Sully grabs Isaiah with his good hand and runs with him under his arm.

ISAIAH

Dad!

The vent snaps open…

And a massive 15 foot alien worm slithers out and chases after them.

ISAIAH

Dad! Slow down!

Sully looks behind him…

The worm is closing on them fast.

Isaiah kicks and squirms in his dad’s arm. His feet start dragging along the ground.

SULLY

Isaiah, quit it!

Sully makes a quick turn and tries breaking through another apartment door, but bounces off of it.

He kicks the door HARD…

Breaking the door off its hinge…

Before bursting into the apartment…

Running past countertops and knocking over pots and pans…

And dragging Isaiah, holding his ears from the harsh crash of metal to the tile floor…

Behind a kitchen island for cover.

Next to the two is another colonist, JAMES, who didn’t make it to the bunker, looking shocked.

JAMES

(mouthing the words/barely audible)

What did you do!

The sound of slithering slime enters the room.

Isaiah grabs one of the pots that fell to the floor…

And chucks it across the room.

The crash draws the attention of the slithering brush along the floor.

ISAIAH

(whispering)

Dad—

Sully presses his good hand over Isaiah’s mouth, while raising his good hand up to his lips, making the “shush” signal.

Isaiah tries taking his dad’s hand off of his mouth, but his dad’s too strong.

So, seeing his dad’s bruising hand, Isaiah GRABS it, SQUEEZING hard!

Sully lets go, ripping his hand free from Isaiah and straining to keep his scream from coming out of his throat.

ISAIAH

(whispering)

I need to explain—

James makes a break for it, trying to get the hell away from the father and child.

ISAIAH

(whispering)

No!

The sound of his running footsteps draws the worm’s attention.

It speeds toward him…

Up his leg and torso…

Exposing its serrated teeth along the side of its arrow shaped head.

JAMES

Get it o—

The worm slides down Jame’s throat, slicing the jugular internally on it’s way.

James collapses to the ground, blood spilling out of his open mouth.

He convulses, unable to take his last breaths, while his mouth opens wide…

Breaking the jaw…

Splitting the seams of his mouth down to the bone…

While the maxilla pulls and breaks from the rest of the cranium.

James shambles up to standing on his hands and feet, with what remained of his mouth snapping in and out of his head, the body of the worm exposing itself briefly as the thing that’s still holding the mouth attached to what was once James.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Twists

What I learned doing this assignment is…to be more aware of in-scene twists and to apply them where necessary. I always had an argument whenever I heard the phrase “And the audience will never see it coming!” It would usually start with “Who cares?” and end with “Will the moment be earned and rewatched over and over again?” I’ll admit I was a little hesitant entering this section, but the explanations provided with the BACK TO THE FUTURE scene really helped me see how the hooks, setups and payoffs are elevated with different types of minor twists. It isn’t always something totally out of left field for the audience (The end result of Marty’s plan remains the same), but it’s the journey that can provide many surprises. I also looked at the conclusion of the Freiza saga in DRAGON BALL Z. The prophecy of a “Super Saiyan” is brought up by Vegeta, but it isn’t explained well. We’ll just know it when/IF we see it, and it’s a big if because we’ve learned not to trust everything Vegeta talks about. As the arc goes on, we keep getting false alarms, PLUS the prophecy Vegeta describes sounds like the Super Saiyan is the furthest thing from Goku. But, when Goku does transform, the way it’s handled with all the twists to get there and the ultimate transformation itself, where it holds back providing all of the answers, makes the moment ripe for repeat viewing, as we see a kindhearted man get serious, and we don’t know how much control he’ll maintain. And that transformation is only the first twist to close out the Freiza saga.

Dr. Mick – Prideful, Accusing, Self Confident, Over Compensating

Mother – Forward, Loving, Protective

Father – Supportive, Stedfast, Confident

Guard – Impatient, Forceful, Rule follower

Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

Isaiah – Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

INT. SPACE COLONY – CORRIDORS – DAY

A current of colonists flow down the hall in a rehearsed, orderly fashion, everyone except Sully, fighting through the crowd like a salmon jumping the torrent of water.

A family rushes with their teenage son, who’s clearly not feeling well, past Sully.

INT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER EXTERIOR – DAY

The family of three maneuver to be on the interior of the crowd. The teenager tries his best to hold back his cough.

A hand lunges out and pulls the TEENAGER out of the flow of traffic.

TEENAGER

Mom! AAGHCK! AACHGK!

The MOTHER and FATHER fight through the crowd to get to their son.

MOTHER

(to Teenager)

It’s okay baby!

(to GUARD holding Teenager)

He’s just sick.

GUARD

It’s just proto—

MOTHER

I know you’re going to say “It’s just protocol.” Well, let me tell you something—

GUARD

Please move along.

FATHER

Not without Andrew.

The mother catches sight of a familiar face in the crowd: the teenager’s physician, DR. MICK.

MOTHER

(waving him down)

Dr. Mick! Dr. Mick!

Dr. Mick catches sight of the family and starts toward them.

DR. MICK

Sir? Sir!

GUARD

No, it’s not happening.

DR. MICK

Listen here you inhuman lemming. This is my patient.

GUARD

I have a hundred people I have to watch for. Shove it doc!

Dr. Mick rummages through his bag. He pulls out a syringe, still wrapped in its container.

DR. MICK

(Holding up the syringe)

Do you know what this is? I’m sure you do, and you know I’m sworn under oath on this godforsaken planet to administer it at the first sight of trouble. Now this is my patient, not yours, and you will leave this poor sick boy in my care!

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully bursts through the door.

SULLY

Isaiah!?

Sully rushes around the apartment, not waiting for an answer, which never comes. However, Sully knows where to look first…

Finding Isaiah under his bunk, pressing his hands over his ears and humming loudly to himself.

ISAIAH

HMMMMMMMMMMM! HMMMMMMMMMMM!

Sully reaches to grab Isaiah’s hand, but the second the hand pulls slightly away from the ear, Isaiah rips his hand away and shimmies deeper under the bunk.

SULLY

Isaiah! We don’t have time for this!

ISAIAH

HMMMMMMMMMMM! HMMMMMMMMMM!

SULLY

Isaiah! Can you hear me!? We have to go now!

ISAIAH

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! HMMMMMMMMMMMM!

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three and Dr. Mick make their way into the bunker.

The teenager can barely hold himself up, coughing violently and struggling for air, as the family works to help carry him to the center of the bunker.

They lay him down. Other COLONISTS notice how sick the teenager is.

COLONIST 1

Wait! What’s he doing here!?

COLONIST 2

He’s sick!

COLONIST 3

They let a sick person in!

Dr. Mick, annoyed, rummages through his bag for a couple supplies. One is a breathing mask and the other item is a syringe.

DR. MICK

Don’t worry!

MOTHER

(seeing the syringe)

That’s not it, is it!?

DR. MICK

It’s a diuretic. It’ll help with the fluid in his lungs. Dry them right out.

Dr. Mick gives the teenager the injection before placing the breathing mask over the teen’s mouth and nose.

COLONIST 1

Get him out of here! He could be infected!

DR. MICK

If by infected, you uneducated twit, you mean pneumonia, then yes! Some people on this floating rock struggle with the artificial air, especially kids. This one has had a bad case of it for months now!

The teenager’s cough subsides and he starts to breathe peacefully.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully rushes into his room…

To the dresser…

Opening it to his deceased wife’s untouched garments. He takes a moment before forcing himself to throw them aside, until he finds…

A headband.

Sully takes the headband and two of his wife’s shirts and runs to…

The kitchen. He pulls out two mixing spoons out of one drawer and a roll of duct tape out of another.

As fast as he can, he tapes the shirts to the ends of the mixing spoons, and then the spoons to the headband.

He bolts back for Isaiah’s room, makeshift earmuffs in hand.

He hands the earmuffs to Isaiah under the bunk.

ISAIAH

HMMMMMMM!

SULLY

Here! This is mommy’s! Mommy’s going to be here for you!

Isaiah, seeing the muffs, starts to shiny out from under the bunk, still clutching his hands to his ears.

When Isaiah’s out from under the bunk, Sully places the muffs over Isaiah’s head and hands.

ISAIAH

(carefully taking his hands out from between his ears and the muffs)

Thank you, dad.

Sully goes to pick Isaiah up.

ISAIAH

(recoiling)

I can do it.

Sully grabs Isaiah hard and picks him up.

ISAIAH

(fighting to get out)

I want to do it!

Sully runs as fast as he can with his child in tow.

SULLY

(under his breath)

Should’ve gotten out from under the damn bed, then.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The teenager’s flash wide open and he starts to cough more violently than before. Blood sprays with each cough against the plastic breathing mask.

Dr. Mick, seeing the blood, is struck with horror at the knowledge of what’s coming.

DR. MICK

(pulling out the plastic wrapped syringe)

No, no, no, this isn’t happening to me.

The mother sees what Dr. Mick is doing and freaks out.

MOTHER

Stop! What’re you doing!?

DR. MICK

He’s infected!

The colony starts up in a panic. Screams are heard everywhere.

Father grabs Mother, holding her back as she fights against him.

MOTHER

Let go of me, Sean! He’s going to kill my baby!!

FATHER

Honey, it’s too late! Listen, it’s too late.

MOTHER

Fuck you! That’s our son!

Dr. Mick, ignoring the two, prepares the syringe, as the teenager continues coughing.

Then, he stabs the syringe into the back of the teenager’s lungs, and injects the full solution.

In moments, the teenager stops convulsing.

The mother pulls off the blood soaked breathing mask.

MOTHER

Baby! Baby!?

DR. MICK

I think we did it in time. I’m sure we did it in time.

Suddenly, the teen vomits up a torrent of blood…

While his jaw opens wider and wider…

CRACKING…

And the seams of his mouth tearing to where the jaw bone is.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Conflict

What I learned doing this assignment is…to be thinking in the back of my head “is there enough tension or conflict in this scene?” or put another way “how do I get this character to break a personal promise?” Whether the characters mean to break each other or not, a common thread I found in both examples is that one character is forcing another character to make a choice about their personal promises. Angela may have a real end goal, but she is knowingly forcing Lester to make a choice: staying true to his wife or taking advantage of a minor? The longer Lester goes on without making that decision, the longer the tension lasts. The longer the tension goes on, the more fun Angela has, creating a feedback loop. Similarly, in the follow up example between Lester and Brad, Lester is in the position to get Brad to break. Brad wants to get rid of Lester for as little as possible. Lester places more and more pressure on Brad, until Brad makes a decision: let Lester go for everything he’s demanded. So, applying that to my scene, I wasn’t exactly sure at first how much trouble Isaiah was going to cause, but I did know I wanted him to push everyone, especially Sully, to their limits, hoping Sully would finally snap, and that when he did snap, it’d feel justified.

INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

SULLY places ISAIAH’s closed fist in the ASSISTANT’s hand, pats him on the back and on his way off the work site.

Isaiah pulls against the Assistant, looking back at his dad, who forces himself to look away and find something else to work on.

The Assistant looks ahead and tries to get the attention of another adult.

ASSISTANT

Can I PLEASE get a little help?

Isaiah pulls out a tiny spray bottle from his pocket and spritzes the Assistant’s hand.

The Assistant recoils, clutching her hand.

ASSISTANT

What the hell did you just spray me with?

Too late. Isaiah is already gone.

Isaiah runs through the worksite, carefully putting as many obstacles between him and the assistant, while trying to get closer to his dad.

Meanwhile, the Assistant runs to Sully.

Isaiah watches the Assistant explain to his dad that he’s gone missing. He sees his dad pinch the bridge of his nose in irritation.

WORKER (O.S.)

Scram!

Isaiah looks behind him, seeing the worker.

Isaiah makes a break for it…

To an incomplete air vent…

Diving in.

The Worker tries pulling him out…

But gets sprayed in the face with more of the solution in the spray bottle.

WORKER (O.S.)

(in pain)

MOTHER FUCKER! SHIT! SHIT!

Isaiah starts sliding out of the back of the vent.

SULLY (O.S.)

What’s wrong?

WORKER (O.S.)

Your fucking kid just sprayed fuck knows what in my eyes! Fucking shit!

Isaiah crawls on the ground, unsure of whether to smile or feel guilty. He sees his next target…

Crawling toward an aluminum pipe. He bypasses much of the other equipment, ignoring their potential hiding spots. He wants the enclosed space.

Behind him, more of the worksite is in an uproar looking for him, while the worker get his eyes checked, still swearing in pain.

Isaiah makes it about halfway into the pipe…

Before a hand grabs his ankle.

Without thinking, Isaiah immediately sprays the hand.

The hand loosens its grip for a moment…

Isaiah darts forward, smiling wide…

Before suddenly getting dragged and thrown out of the pipe.

Isaiah raises the spray bottle…

And gets it smacked out of his hand.

Sully, standing over him, pins him to the ground.

Isaiah struggles.

ISAIAH

MMMMMM!

SULLY

What is wrong with you! Why can’t you just be…

Sully doesn’t allow himself to finish the thought.

Isaiah relaxes, tears in his eyes, looking off into space.

SULLY

(calmly as can be maintained)

I want you…to go. Please, just go home.

Isaiah continues looking off.

SULLY

Look at me.

Isaiah moves his head, but can’t look his dad in the eye.

SULLY

Isaiah, I need you to listen. Look me in the eye so I know you’re listening.

Isaiah looks up at his dad, and shuts his eyes tight.

SULLY

Isaiah? Kid?

(losing it)

Look at me!

Isaiah starts laughing nervously.

Sully lets go and stands up, pulling at his hair.

Isaiah gets up.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

I need your help, because I don’t know how to FIX you. I don’t care what I have to do, just freaking listen for once. Get your ass home, now!

Isaiah runs away to home.

MANAGER (O.S.)

Sully! My office! Now!

Sully grips the bridge of his nose again.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Dramatic Irony

What I learned doing this is…the value of applying dramatic irony through my characters and their actions, not just through the setting.

Markus – Discreet, Innocent, Loyal, Scholarly

SCL – To stop Apollo from saying he wants to mutiny, in order to save his life.

Apollo – Decisive, Headstrong, Discreet, Loyal

SCL – To convince Markus to join his mutiny.

INT. HANGAR

MARKUS waits his turn. He’s next in line to retrieve what looks like a double-barrel shotgun, with an axe blade on the butt of the gun and a handle running the length of the barrel.

In front of him is the same MOTHER and CHILD from the cafeteria.

The mother and child stand in front of a desk with a SOLDIER behind it.

MOTHER

This is a mistake! This is my son!

The soldier refuses to make eye contact with the mother.

SOLDIER

Mam, we’ve been through this. He is not your son.

MOTHER

He is! So what if he’s adopted!?

The child starts to cry.

CHILD

Mamma, what does adopted mean?

SOLDIER

Only biological parents are exempt. Now get out of line and report to your post.

MOTHER

He’s my son! I’ve raised him from birth! You have all of the papers!

Two other soldiers come to the line. They pry the child from his mother.

CHILD

Mamma! Mamma!

The mother is dragged away by one soldier, as the other soldier takes the kicking and screaming child.

MOTHER

You can’t do this!

SOLDIER

Next!

Markus, wide eyed, steps forward.

SOLDIER

Name and bunk number?

MARKUS

What’ll happen to them?

SOLDIER

Your name and bunk number, civilian.

MARKUS

Markus Smirnov. Bunk–

SOLDIER

And your bunk number?

MARKUS

Bunk 67A.

The soldier scans his book, makes a couple notes and stamps several documents.

MARKUS

Excuse me, can I ask a question?

SOLDIER

Do you have a ‘biological’ child, or are you disabled?

Markus opens his mouth to answer.

SOLDIER

Adopted children will not be identified as your own.

MARKUS

No.

SOLDIER

No what?

MARKUS

No. No kids, and–

SOLDIER

And, you’re obviously not disabled. You’re on exterminator duty.

The soldier hands Markus the long barreled gun.

SOLDIER

This is a short range pulse blaster. You will not refer to it by any other name.

Markus takes the weapon carefully, as though it may bite him.

MARKUS

Isn’t this illegal.

SOLDIER

No. Guns are illegal. This is a short range pulse blaster.

MARKUS

What do I do with it?

SOLDIER

You kill aliens with it. Keep it pointed at the ground at all times. If you see an alien, get up close and make sure you don’t shoot your comrades, unless explicitly told to do so.

The soldier waves for Markus to step up to a yellow line. A torn up dummy stands about a yard away.

SOLDIER

Remember to keep it pointed at the ground. This is how close you want to be before taking aim.

Soldier grabs the gun. Markus hands it over.

SOLDIER

(Grabbing Markus’ hands and placing them on the gun)

No. You hold on. Aim down the sights.

Markus aims down the sights of the gun.

SOLDIER

You have one shot. You will not be equipped with more until deployment, Now, fire.

Markus pulls the trigger.

The shotgun kicks back, and a plume of rock and smoke explodes from the dummy.

SOLDIER

Congratulations. You’ve been adequately trained to fight aliens.

A tactical space suit finishes printing on the Soldier’s desk. The Soldier takes out the space suit from the printer and an ear piece from a cardboard box under the desk and hands both to Markus.

SOLDIER

Place the ear piece in now.

Markus obeys.

SOLDIER

Please no sudden moves as the ear piece calibrates.

VOICE (O.S.)

(in the earpiece)

You’re one to follow instructions well.

Markus freezes.

The soldier nods, knowing.

SOLDIER

Please report to section 43-Alpha.

Markus walks away, stunned.

In the background, other conversations are overheard similar to one Markus just encountered, with other titles being given, including exterminator, cleaner, and exempt from civic duty.

VOICE (O.S.)

You would do well to follow these next instructions. You have been given one more shot in your short range pulse blaster. Be on the lookout for mutineers. Your earpiece has a camera on it. We will know if you come into contact with a mutineer. We will know if you do not do your civic duty and retaliate against a mutineer.

Markus sees Apollo, blaster strapped over his back, in the section he’s shuffling toward.

VOICE (O.S.)

If you catch any dissenters, we expect you to continue to do the right thing.

APOLLO

Markus.

Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.

Apollo

Over hear.

MARKUS

Apollo, I’m glad to see you.

APOLLO

Same.

(whispering)

Listen—

MARKUS

I’ve been meaning to tell you, I had this dream. I know we don’t usually dream in cryo sleep. It’s supposed to be impossible. Doesn’t matter. You know what happened?

APOLLO

Keep your voice down.

MARKUS

(whispering)

It must’ve come after I read this one account from World War I. You know, the one at the beginning of the 20th century?

APOLLO

Markus, listen—

MARKUS

I know, I’m blabbering. There was this fellow soldier who got separated and was accused of being a dissenter.

APOLLO

Will you shut up—

MARKUS

And because the threat of mass dissent was greater than the threat to one’s conscience, I was ordered to execute this man.

Apollo grabs Markus by the shoulders.

APOLLO

I know you love history.

(offering Markus’ own words back to him)

They offer lessons to prepare for the present.

Markus smiles, thinking Apollo must’ve gotten the message.

APOLLO

That’s why we have to stop history from repeating itself, and end this. Now, I’ve already got some allies—

MARKUS

Apollo, listen—

APOLLO

Just a second, before I catch you in another lecture.

Markus opens his mouth to speak, but Apollo puts his hand over his mouth.

APOLLO

We don’t have much time. I want you with me on this. We’re going to be on the right side of history and take these bastards down.

Markus’ face bleaches white, anticipating the voice in his ear piece.

Silence.

The drone of the room is interrupted by screams coming from another section.

APOLLO

It’s not time?

Markus pushes Apollo out of the crowd.

APOLLO

What’re you doing?

Markus

(forcing the words out of his mouth)

You…You’re a mutineer!

Realization washes over Apollo’s face, his eyes screaming in horror.

Markus raises the blaster, weighing five times heavier in his hands than when he first received it.

APOLLO

What’re you talking about? I was just—

KERPLOW!!

Markus drops the blaster to the ground. His eyes will his friend back to life.

Another SOLDIER walks by and hands the blaster back to Markus.

SOLDIER

Very good.

Markus takes the blaster automatically, his eyes still transfixed on the man he murdered.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Posted Day 2 in here by mistake. This is the correct Day 3 assignment

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Dramatic Choices

What I learned doing this is…I realize much of this is due to the setting, but damn. There’s a lot of drama built into a slow burn of a movie. Setting, then, plays a huge roll in adding to the dramatic tension of a story, even when the basic plot (DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES – Get the dam working) isn’t all that exciting (Compare to STAR WARS – Save the princess). So many dramatic moments are woven through the first 30 minutes of DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES just through the setting established in the opening montage: simian flu wipes out human civilization, but makes apes smarter. Also, did know this coming into this lesson, but it’s still eye opening to see how many dramatic moments are successfully fulfilled page after page, and many times having multiple dramatic moments per page. If I had to summarize how DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES pulls this off, it’s put the wrong (though, still competent) people in the worst kind of situation, and have just one character on either side have to work through the problems both sides create for each other and themselves.

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

1. Opens with the collapse of human civilization via news montage and tracking the spread of the simian flu.
2. Showing the red dots as the virus spreads, followed by the red dots slowly fading away to show the billions of people dying.
3. Chimps are in war paint that resembles their skeletal structure, including a painted skull on their face.
4. Caesar looking intense, leading a hunting party.
5. The apes hunt and take down several elk.
6. Caesar’s son joins his father in the hunt.
7. A bear attacks Caesar’s son, just as he’s about to kill an elk, prompting Caesar to fight the bear to protect his son.
8. Caesar calls for help, and stands up to the bear to get it to stand up on its hind legs.
9. Koba kills the bear with a large spear.
10. Caesar assesses his son’s wounds from the bear attack. He has large gashes in his torso.
11. Caesar and his apes ride horseback through a post apocalyptic forest up to…
12. A huge sanctuary compound in the trees. The apes have established their own civilization, complete with school that teaches language and ethics. They communicate with each other much like we do, with Koba going so far as to comfort Caesar’s son by saying “Scars make you strong.”
13. Something calls for Caesar’s attention…there are many chimps wearing what look like facemasks and…Caesar is comforting his wife through the birth of their second child.
14. Caesar and Maurice talk about the humans, the fact that they’re all gone, and the question is raise as to whether apes will go to war with each other in the same way as humans went to war with themselves.
15. It’s been 10 years since the last humans were seen.
16. Caesar’s son, Blue Eyes, goes on a fishing trip with his friend, Ash, and come into contact with the first human seen for over 10 years, and the human shoots Ash.
17. More humans come to find out about the gunshot, and the apes swarm the sight in a huge army, surrounding the humans.
18. One of the humans recognizes something different about the apes, whereas the rest of the group is still on the defense. The leader of the humans tells his scouting party to put their guns down in the face of an army of apes holding spears.
19. Caesar speaks in human language, telling the humans to “GO!” The rest of the apes shout in english “GO!”
20. Caesar commands Koba, again in english, to “follow!”
21. Intense music guides us as the apes follow the humans caravanning back to their colony in the ruins of San Francisco.
22. The humans need power, thus they went to check on a dam and whether it would help, but as they tell their leader, “there’s a problem.” [the apes]
23. The humans debrief their leader, who doesn’t believe them. The confidence built in “he didn’t kill us” is shattered with the question “maybe they let us live so they could follow us and kill us all.”
24. There’s a whole town of humans living in the ruins of a metropolitan center in the middle of San Francisco, and the party that made first contact with Caesar’s apes can’t tell anyone what they saw.
25. Koba and his apes found the humans’ colony.
26. The apes discuss what to do with the humans. Koba wants to kill them. Rocket, whose son was shot, says he’ll follow Caesar’s lead. We start to see the separation of the apes into factions, one led by Koba and the other led by Caesar, built on the fear of humans and what to do with them.
27. Caesar talks in english, saying war could cost them everything they’ve built, “home, family, future.” He’ll decide by morning.
28. Koba makes the case to Caesar to kill the humans, saying his choices are built on the suffering he endured at their hands. Caesar takes Koba’s hand.
29. Caesar rides into San Francisco on horseback with an army of apes.
30. At the gates of the colony, Malcolm, the human, goes to talk with the apes: one man against an army.
31. Caesar talks to humans, “Apes do not want war, but will fight if we must!” He sets the borders, pointing to each “Ape home! Human home!” then sets the ultimatum, “do not come back.”
32. Blue Eyes gives the kid’s lost bag back as a sign of peace.
33. The colony is in a panic. Meanwhile, Gary Oldman is trying to calm them saying they have the firepower, they’re immune, and why they need to find power (to connect with the rest of the world and rebuild [they don’t know if anyone else is alive besides them]).
34. Malcolm tells Gary Oldman that the dam is the only option, even though Oldman just stated they would find another way. Oldman – “Well, then, we fight them.”
35. Two weeks from running out of fuel (ticking clock is set up). Oldman confirms that once that happen, he won’t be able to calm the panic and mayhem, and things will go back to the way they were with complete anarchy and chaos.
36. Malcolm says he wants to go back and talk to the apes. “Give me three days” (another ticking clock). Shows the bag as a sign that he thinks the apes can be reasoned with.
37. Gary Oldman gives him the three days, but says he’s going to assess what they have in the armory, and if Malcolm isn’t back in three days, then he and the rest of the humans are going to go up to the ape’s home and kill them all
38. Malcolm has to take Carver (the man who shot one of the apes) because he’s the only one who knows how the dam works.
39. Malcolm’s who strategy is built on telling the truth and hoping for Caesar to be in a “good mood,” despite just moments before seeing Caesar warning the humans to not come back. Malcom’s desperation comes from the desire to avoid war, which is inevitable if the two factions can’t work together.
40. Malcolm’s son insists on joining his dad, “it’s safer up there with you than it is down here.”

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s final scene for feedback exchange.

What I learned rewriting this scene is…You can always edit or cut back. Don’t be afraid to include too much dialogue to reveal more character, even if it stretches believability in the moment.

EXT. SPACE

A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.

A planet sails through the vast black between the stars, it’s facade reminiscent of earth, but masked by circulating green clouds.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET – NIGHT

The acid rain showers a facility with plumes of black clouds mixing with the green skies above, and several ships docked at various corners. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps where jungle once blanketed the landscape.

INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.

Guttural screams and gun blasts argue over each other in a hallway, as SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his 10 year old son, ISAIAH, and a baseball bat with two electric staplers taped to the end.

Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.

Meanwhile, Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, kicks against Sully. Isaiah is desperate to be free from his father’s uncomfortable grasp, as he coughs up blood onto his dad’s sleeve.

A man dressed in a light, tactical space suit runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises his firearm.

Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…

Grips his bat with both hands…

And swings it into the head of the spaceman…

Leaving two nails embedded into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent skull.

Isaiah, on all fours. He struggles to catch his breath, but hacks up a small splattering of blood.

Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.

ISAIAH

They’re almost ready to hatch.

A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.

SULLY

(to Isaiah)

Please, let me save you.

SPACEMAN

Over here!

The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, screaming.

Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.

ISAIAH

The spores have used up all the moisture in my lungs. They’ll come out through my mouth. It’ll hurt. It’ll hurt really, really bad.

SULLY

I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.

He ducks down and runs into another room…

Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…

And hides behind a kitchen counter.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)

Shhh.

The spaceman enters the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him. They’re visibly shaking as they begin to search the room.

Sully carefully tears the saran wrap, makes a cut in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.

Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

Shhh, shhh. You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.

A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Final Scene (V.2)

EXT. SPACE

A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.

A planet sails through the vast black between the stars, it’s facade reminiscent of earth, but masked by circulating green clouds.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET – NIGHT

The acid rain showers a spiring industrial space station, reminiscent of a castle with plumes of black clouds mixing with the green skies above, and several ships docked at various corners. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps where jungle once blanketed the landscape.

INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.

Guttural screams and gun blasts argue over each other in a hallway, as SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his 10 year old son, ISAIAH, and a baseball bat with two electric nailers taped to the end.

Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.

Meanwhile, Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, kicks against Sully.

ISAIAH

(coughing up blood onto Sully’s sleeve)

You’re making it worse!

A man dressed in a light, tactical space suit runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises his firearm.

Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…

Grips his bat with both hands…

And swings it into the head of the spaceman…

Leaving two nails embedded into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent skull.

Isaiah, on all fours. He struggles to catch his breath, but hacks up a small splattering of blood.

Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.

ISAIAH

No more! I don’t want to die!

SULLY

(convincing himself more than his son)

You’re not going to die!

Sully, reigning himself in.

SULLY

I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.

A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.

SULLY

(to Isaiah)

Please, let me save you, now.

SPACEMAN

Over here!

The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.

Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.

ISAIAH

They’ll come out through my mouth. It’ll hurt. It’ll hurt really, really bad.

SULLY

I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.

He ducks down and runs into another room…

Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…

And hides behind a kitchen counter.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)

Shhh.

The spaceman enters the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him. They’re visibly shaking as they begin to search the room.

Sully carefully tears the saran wrap, makes a cut in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.

Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

Shhh, shhh. You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.

A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Scene for Feedback Exchange (V.3)

(Note: Taking a hard look at Matthew’s notes, and possibly changing the opening scene to the following, which doesn’t even include the two main characters, but does set up dramatic irony slightly better than where it was originally placed for the current plot.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

For the purposes of this module, however, I did make some changes, including hinting at the above plot point, and added the follow up scene that showcases the two characters in different settings.)

OPEN WIDE

EXT. SPACE

A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.

A planet sails through the vast black between the stars, it’s facade reminiscent of earth, but masked by circulating green clouds.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The acid rain showers a spiring industrial space station, reminiscent of a castle with plumes of black clouds mixing with the green skies above, and several ships docked at various corners. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps where jungle once blanketed the landscape.

INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.

Guttural screams and gun blasts argue over each other in a hallway, as SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his 10 year old son, ISAIAH, and a baseball bat with two electric nail guns taped to the end.

Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.

Meanwhile, Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, kicks against Sully.

ISAIAH

(coughing up blood onto Sully’s sleeve)

You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!

A man dressed in a light, tactical space suit runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises his firearm.

Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…

Grips his bat with both hands…

And swings it into the head of the spaceman…

Leaving two nails embedded into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent skull.

Isaiah, on all fours. He struggles to catch his breath, but hacks up a small splattering of blood.

Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.

ISAIAH

Get away from me! Get aw-aghk-aghk—

Isaiah coughs harder, his mouth opening wider and wider until…

The seams of his mouth start to tear and draw blood.

Isaiah clutches his hand to his mouth, tears streaming from his eyes at the pain.

ISAIAH

(through his hand over his mouth)

You killed me! You killed me and I’m going to die!

SULLY

(convincing himself more than his son)

You’re not going to die!

Sully, reigning himself in.

SULLY

I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.

A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.

SULLY

(to Isaiah)

Please, let me save you, now.

SPACEMAN

Over here!

The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.

Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.

ISAIAH

My mouth is coming out! It hurts! It hurts really, really bad.

SULLY

I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.

He ducks down and runs into another room…

Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…

And hides behind a kitchen counter.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)

Shhh.

The spaceman pads into the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him, shuffle-stepping.

Sully carefully tears the saran wrap, makes a cut in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.

Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

Shhh, shhh.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.

A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.

INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY (FLASHBACK)

A massive, rounded tent envelops the work site, where dozens of men scurry like ants in the construction of a new section of the space colony.

Behind the controlled chaos is the colony, with unfinished rods, wires, and beams jutting out like the rib cage of a dying animal.

Sparks whiz off the blade of a grinder cutting through a piece of rebar.

The grinder snaps and part of the circular blade screams across the work site and blasts through the tent covering.

An alarm sounds off as everyone’s attention and movement is diverted to a different pattern. Engineers and workers gather masks and run to the tent’s tear.

One ENGINEER races for the air vent and shuts it off.

The collapsing tent is held up at the point of the tear by the dozens of people, while one man is trusted to patch the hole.

SULLY, who’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years. He maintains a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love.

SULLY

(talking his way through a process)

What in the jumped up hell happened here? Yeah, you had some shrapnel. But that should’ve gone through you like a dull hammer through sand.

WORKER

(holding up the tent)

How you holding up, Sul?

SULLY

I’m sorry, I know. Should’ve been done by now.

WORKER

What’s the holdup?

SULLY

Trying to make sure our only security isn’t equivalent to a zip tie on a safe.

WORKER

Didn’t smart people make this shit?

SULLY

Everyone’s doing their best. Not everyone’s best is all that smart.

Sully finishes the repairs.

SULLY

Done! Eat it Earther assholes!

The Engineer turns the air vent back on, but…

Nothing.

Engineer flips the switch a couple more times. He gets in front of the nozzle to take a look…

BOOM!

The engineer is blasted back 20 yards.

As the vent lifts up, Sully races to the Engineer.

SULLY helps up the Engineer that was knocked back by the blast of air from the engine.

SULLY

(offering a hand)

You alright?

ENGINEER

Can’t fuckin’ breathe.

SULLY

Do I need to get help, or are you just being over dramatic?

Engineer coughs and takes the hand. He makes a motion that he’s fine.

Sully pats him on the back.

ISAIAH runs in, focused solely on his dad and oblivious to the work being down around him. Many of the workers have to stop to avoid running into the young kid.

ISAIAH

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

Sully sees his son and motions for him to slow down.

SULLY

Jesus, Isaiah! Watch where you’re going.

Isaiah slows down, but keeps walking at a brisk pace, again, not paying attention to who’s around.

ISAIAH

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…

SULLY

(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders)

What are you doing here?

ISAIAH

I made the most amazing discovery!

Isaiah doesn’t stop talking, completely ignorant of the other conversations going on.

ISAIAH

It’s so cool!

SULLY

That’s great. Tell me about it later.

(turning away)

Can I get an assistant here?

ISAIAH

I know! I know how the tunnels work! Everything, all of this space is perfect!

An ASSISTANT walks up to Sully and Isaiah.

ASSISTANT

Whatcha got?

ISAIAH

We have to add moisture through the vents since it’d be too dry anyways.

SULLY

(to Assistant)

Take him back to, to wherever he’s supposed to be. School. Take him back to school.

ISAIAH

And because the vents have so much moisture in them, and they go to the outside—

ASSISTANT

(to Isaiah)

Come on. This isn’t a safe place for little boys.

ISAIAH

(to Assistant)

In a minute.

(to Sully)

Dad—

SULLY

Isaiah, go back to school. It’s not safe here.

ISAIAH

But, it’s not safe anywhere. Anyway, you gotta see this!

SULLY

(to Assistant)

Get him out of here.

The Assistant takes Isaiah by the arm, but Isaiah squirms and rips his arm free.

Isaiah holds himself tight, his arms wrapping around his torso like he’s in a straight jacket.

Each time the Assistant and Sully try grabbing Isaiah’s hand or arm, he pulls away, looking down at the ground and humming a constant tone.

SULLY

(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders and holding him still)

Isaiah, look at me.

Isaiah hums louder, focussed on the ground.

SULLY

Look at me, Isaiah.

ISAIAH

MMHMM!

SULLY

If you can’t follow basic instructions, then you don’t belong here with me.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Ad for A-List

What I learned is…Don’t hold back. A little mystery goes a long way. The first couple pages are all about selling. In essence, they’re the movie trailer. In addition, watching both FRIDA and THE MITCHELS VS THE MACHINES was helpful in learning this as well. So much is communicated about the main characters in their first introductions, both through the action and the descriptions given to these characters. It reminded me of PREDATOR, and how the characters are introduced in that film as well. Again, even a little can carry a good distance. Mac doesn’t say much as Blain in the opening helicopter flight (Blain – “This stuff will make you a goddamned sexual tyrannosaurus…just like me.”). Mac just shaves an already clean shaven face, telling us he’s a little OCD, or at least somewhat perfectionistic. Sure, it’s a little weird comparing the simplicity of the characters in PREDATOR to the complex relationships in THE MITCHELS VS THE MACHINES, or the complex characters in FRIDA. I think what I like about PREDATOR, as a case study, is its simplicity. It’s a perfect starting point to show what can communicated with very little, then expanding in other movies to see what else can be communicated in the opening. Thinking about it, I’ll have to give GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY another watch to see how well those openings sell the characters to the audience and actors.

Character’s Names: Sully & Isaiah

What is the Interesting Situation?

1. Alien worms, infected humans, and space exterminators are all killing each other, and Sully is caught in the middle.

2. Sully’s son, Isaiah, is coughing up blood, recently infected by alien spores.

What is the Insight about this character?

1. Sully’s loving, inventive, and blames himself for whatever is wrong with Isaiah.

2. Isaiah doesn’t want to be carried, he wants to be heard.

What Action and Description will sell this character?

1. Sully is inventive

2. Isaiah is weird

EXT – SPACE

A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.

A planet sails through the vast black between the stars, it’s facade reminiscent of earth, but masked by circulating green clouds.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET – NIGHT

The acid rain showers a facility with plumes of black clouds towering above the smoke stacks and mixing with the green skies above. Several ships are docked at various corners of the compound. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps where jungle once blanketed the landscape.

INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.

Guttural screams and blasts of air argue over each other in a hallway, as SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his 10 year old son, ISAIAH, and a baseball bat with two electric staplers taped to the end.

Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.

Meanwhile, Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, kicks against Sully. Isaiah is desperate to be free from his father’s uncomfortable grasp, as he coughs up blood onto his dad’s sleeve.

A man dressed in a light, tactical space suit runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises his firearm.

Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…

Grips his bat with both hands…

And swings it into the head of the spaceman…

Leaving two nails embedded into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent skull.

Isaiah, on all fours. He struggles to catch his breath, but hacks up a small splattering of blood.

Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.

ISAIAH

They’re almost ready to hatch.

SULLY

Please, let me save you.

Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.

ISAIAH

The spores have used up all the moisture in my lungs. They’ll come out through my mouth. It’ll hurt. It’ll hurt really, really bad.

SULLY

I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Sully catches sight of another spaceman.

He ducks down and runs into another room…

Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…

And hides behind a kitchen counter.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)

Shhh.

The spaceman enters the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him. They’re visibly shaking as they begin to search the room.

Sully carefully tears the saran wrap, makes a cut in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.

Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

Shhh, shhh. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.

A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Dialogue on The Attack!

What I learned doing this assignment is…It’s first draft material, but I love that everyone has a unique voice, even for an exposition dump kind of scene. Having the character profiles, traits, and subtexts, it’s a lot easier to identify the areas that can be improved and how to improve them. Can’t wait for more lessons on dialogue. Still, this model made writing this a lot more fun, and revealed some traits that I may want to change to make them more interesting.

Characters:

Sully – Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising (Subtext: Sully disguises his hurt through overcompensating and a toxic sense of initiative)

Isaiah – Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle (Subtext: Compares himself to the Alien Worms)

Jude – Undercover, Motherly, Terse, Curious (Subtext: Treats Isaiah as though he’s her grandson to cope with never seeing her granddaughter again)

Scene Chosen:

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. Isaiah wants to find a way to keep her alive, but Sully helps her take a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

Jude – “It’s funny, you know. There used to be a natural predator to these monsters, but we wiped them all out when we started terraforming the planet. Somehow, the worms survived and are thriving now more than nature ever intended. Now any new space colony risks an outbreak. But you know our government will never own up to their mistakes. Terraforming is expensive, and we’ve just put too much into this planet to stop now.”

…

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

JUDE coughs like she has marbles in her lungs.

SULLY holds ISAIAH back behind him, the gears in his head working triple time to figure out who and what Jude is.

SULLY

Why help us if we’re all going to die anyways?

JUDE

It’s funny, you know.

SULLY

I have a son.

JUDE

There used to be a something that would kill and eat these things, but we wiped them all out when we started terraforming the planet.

ISAIAH

What did they look like?

SULLY

(to Isaiah)

Isaiah, not right now, kiddo.

(to Jude)

Answer the question.

JUDE

Why don’t you—

Jude coughs again, visible hurting.

JUDE

Relax. A child needs their parent.

SULLY

What is an HIA agent doing here?

JUDE

We al-al-al-l make mis-*cough, cough*-takes. Is it hard to believe that I’d want to find some way to own up to mine.

SULLY

Is that what this is? You have to die to know whatever you’ve done was—

JUDE

Oh, won’t you just shut up. You act smart, but even your son knows you’re a scared little boy, just like him.

Deathly beat.

JUDE

What I’d give to hold my little ones again. We’re cruel for giving them up to be something else.

Sully starts putting the pieces together.

SULLY

We’re not the first colony on this planet.

JUDE

Terraforming is expensive. You can’t change the recipe after the cake’s already in the oven.

ISAIAH

Dad, now that nothing is holding them back, they can thrive more than ever, just like fire ants back on earth.

SULLY

Isaiah—

ISAIAH

Nature has checks and balances. For fire ants—

SULLY

Isaiah, not—

ISAIAH

Just listen to me, please! On earth, fire ants weren’t just transported to North America from South America. They were separated from a fly that specifically hunted and killed them. Without their natural predator, the fire ant population exploded! It was an accident, but…

SULLY

Yeah, I see the comparison, son.

(to Jude)

How many space colonies came before us. No, screw that. Did you find anything about the worms that can help?

JUDE

Your son’s mo-r-r-r-re of an expert than me. They need him, so that they can come out as the heroes. It’s just good politics if no one knows you caused this, accident or not.

Jude starts coughing uncontrollably. She pulls out a syringe from her pocket, but can barely hold on.

JUDE

Ple-*coughing blood*-e-e-e-ase.

Jude hands out the syringe to Sully.

Isaiah puts two and two together.

ISAIAH

No! There’s got to be way!

SULLY

It’s too late.

ISAIAH

No! If you can find a way to—

Jude can’t speak now. She’s just coughing and gasping for air.

Isaiah grabs Sully’s arm, trying to prevent him from administering the shot.

SULLY

Isaiah, get off!

ISAIAH

There’s a way! There’s always a way!

Jude’s cough splatters blood over the floor.

SULLY

(shoving Isaiah off of him)

Get the fuck off of me!

Sully injects the shot deep into Jude’s back.

The convulsing body all at once relaxes.

Isaiah looks away.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Outline

What I learned doing this assignment is…Making character profiles and applying them to the outline can elevate the whole story and fix some of the plot points that weren’t where they needed to be. Kind of ran out of time, but I’d love to go back through and revise the two sentence/scene outline and include two sentences per character in each scene. With the character profiles and the chemistry set up, I can do just that. Also, it was fun to go back to the chemistry assignment and compare JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE and its sequel JUMANJI: THE SECOND LEVEL. The whole class has helped me to understand exactly why the first film worked on so many levels, whereas the second film really struggled at times. In addition, in watching WAR OF THE WORLDS, I found myself breaking down Tom Cruise’s character into core traits, paradoxes, etc. It’s been awesome to go from just breaking a film down to its structure to breaking down characters and their shared relationships communicated through dialogue.

OPEN WIDE

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Following an establishing shot/montage of an alien solar system and a space colony on another planet, we flash forward to the carnage painting the walls of the space colony maroon, and Sully holding his son, Isaiah (about 8-12 years old), who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers. One of the workers accidentally compromises the worksite, but Sully leaps into the fray and single-handedly saves the construction site and the workers.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully tells him he needs to go back to his class, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children, before requesting an assistant to escort Isaiah back.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks off from the escort to pull a prank on his dad and show him that he knows how to exploit every nook and cranny in the space colony, but in the process he nearly hurts a number of the workers at the new construction zone. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive, before Sully is called into his manager’s office.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get his child under control. Boss- “This is space! We can’t take risks here, or lives will be lost!” An alarm goes off warning of aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them. The mother and father argue about the virtue of protocol at the expense of humanity, and a doctor who knows the family vouches for them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully finds Isaiah hiding in a corner with his eyes closed and his hands over his ears, while making noises to tune out the siren. Sully tries grabbing him by the hand, but as soon as Isaiah’s hand leaves his ear, exposing him to the loud sound of the siren, he runs away and hides again.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. The doctor starts administering treatment, telling the other scared colonists that it’s just a bad case of pneumonia, and that some people’s lungs struggle with the artificial air, and that this has been the case with the teenager for months now.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully takes a headband out of his deceased wife’s drawer (untouched for weeks) and fashions earmuffs with it. He gives it to Isaiah who doesn’t want to be carried, but Sully picks him up anyway so they can get to the bunker faster.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late, with Isaiah still trying to get out of Sully’s grip. Sully is pissed off with Isaiah and lets him know as calmly as he can, informing him that they’ll have to work together to make it out alive.

Isaiah tells Sully he has a plan, but they have to stop running or carrying him.

CONT.

An adult alien worm (about 15 feet long) breaks through of a vent and slithers after them. Sully RUNS with Isaiah in tow, ignoring Isaiah’s previous suggestion. Isaiah kicks and tries to escape.

CONT.

Sully darts into a room where they find a stranger who’s hiding from his loved one who’s an alien host. Isaiah tries to say something about the aliens’ weakness, but when Sully hushes him, Isaiah creates a distraction that draws the worms and host away.

CONT.

The stranger makes a run for it and escapes from his loved one, but is subsequently infected by a worm slithering down his throat.

CONT.

Sully uses Isaiah’s strategy and gets out of the apartment and manages to lock the aliens behind the front door.

CONT.

More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, Jude, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker, takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner/tool room of Jude’s apartment, and slam the door on the aliens. Sully goes to work make-shifting a weapon, and to his surprise Jude pulls out a laser gun from a safe. The two fight off the hostile aliens, and Jude doesn’t miss a single shot.

Isaiah tries catching the worms.

CONT.

Isaiah tries protecting the captured worms from his dad, asking that he listen to what he has to say. Sully declines to listen and kills the worms with prejudice.

Sully – “You don’t have a say! You do what I say, when I say it, or else! That’s how we’re going to get through this!”

CONT.

Sully and Jude fortify the apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Jude comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony (the government entity that presides over the space colony).

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger, Markus, wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. He meets Apollo, another passenger, but the two try to stay discreet.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

Markus and Apollo learn with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker. Apollo wants to start a mutiny, but Markus wants to lay low and hidden.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why Jude isn’t in the bunker. Jude reveals that she was infected on her way to the bunker, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do. Isaiah hypothesizes about a way to “cure” Jude, but she assures that there’s nothing that can be done.

Jude – “You know how they work, don’t you? Their eggs grow like a fungus from back on Earth. At the end of her cycle, the queen burrows deep and her eggs grow out of her in any confined space, whether it be a cave, a tree hollow…or a space colony. Then, the fungal eggs are carried on the wind, or ventilation system, and breathed deep by a new host, where they’ll grow in less than an hour, so that GOD knows how many worms hatch from inside you, and take over your body like it’s their shell to go hunting with.”

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. Apollo is caught, along with other mutineers.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. Isaiah wants to find a way to keep her alive, but Sully helps her take a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

Jude – “It’s funny, you know. There used to be a natural predator to these monsters, but we wiped them all out when we started terraforming the planet. Somehow, the worms survived and are thriving now more than nature ever intended. Now any new space colony risks an outbreak. But you know our government will never own up to their mistakes. Terraforming is expensive, and we’ve just put too much into this planet to stop now.”

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

Markus is forced, along with several other passengers, to execute the mutineers, including Apollo.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives. Isaiah asks to help, saying he knows more about the colony tunnels and escape routes than his dad.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Sully lures Isaiah into a closet and locks him inside to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully inches across the roof of the enclosed space colony in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. He walks over a weak point in the structure, but it manages to hold. Sully makes a mental note to avoid that spot in the future.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to escape from his closet. He gathers rope and some tools from the tool room, and a spare ventilation suit.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, but because of its location on the structure, Isaiah has to go around it by climbing on the side of the building.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully opens up a point in the roof with a grinder and crawls into a shaft that leads to the bunker.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully uses the grinder to open a hole into the bunker. When he drops down into the bunker, he discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family, who attack him on all fours and lash out with their jaws that separate from their skulls with the worm’s body attaching the two. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping the rope for him. Dad climbs up the rope that’s anchored to the vent, through the use of the power tools Isaiah brought.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. Stressed about the hosts still tailing them, Sully forgets about the weak point in the structure, and pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah when his mask breaks.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host on his way back inside the colony, and seals the way in as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, but expresses remorse about pushing Isaiah into the nest.

Sully – “I knew it was there. How could I forget? Why did I push you when I knew it was a mistake!?”

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Exterminators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of exterminators and aliens alike.

CONT.

While the two are surrounded, Sully apologizes to his son and asks him to help by using his knowledge of escape routes to get them to a medical bay aboard the exterminator’s vessel. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into an exterminator.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but exterminators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run as fast as they can to the Medical Bay, with Sully using his makeshift weapon against the exterminators by aiming for their hands and guns, until it’s out of ammo.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and exterminators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours bleach over the hatching worms, killing them.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as exterminators and military personnel break in. Markus is among them. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer orders the execution of the father and son.

CONT.

Markus uses his weapon and shoots the officer. He and the other exterminators form a wall around Sully, setting the stage for a mutiny.

INT. PASSENGER’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

Markus gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Translated Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is…Damn, I wish I could keep up with doing three concepts at once. Sometime soon I’ll have to try running through this module again with the other two, because they each offer different lessons. But, this is such a radically informative process of character creation that it’s taking me some time to really pour over it. I’ve read enough on structure to where the previous module wasn’t a factor to keep up with. Character creation on this level, however, is something wholly new to me. Prior to this, the most thought I was giving to my characters was the “Want vs. Need” component, and now there’re are at least 7-8 more factors that I’m learning to keep up with. Beyond that I’m learning how to apply brainstorming to individual character choices and interactions, and man, these characters are just leaping off the page. There’s just so much more here than I’ve EVER had before to work with, and it’s showing in my writing. At the same time, this is grueling to get through. I know it’s first draft work, but still. I did find that I can move a little faster by coming up with only two per category until all of the character descriptions were filled out. That way, the rest can bounce off of each other. In the end, going through this makes for constructing a much more unique and engaging action sequence than what I would’ve come up with in just going for it.

Situation:

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner/tool room of Jude’s apartment and slam the door on the aliens. Sully goes to work make-shifting a weapon, and to his surprise Jude pulls out a laser gun from a safe. The two fight off the hostile aliens, and Jude doesn’t miss a single shot.

Character Name: Sully

Role in the Story: Protagonist. Father to Isaiah and talented engineer who’s found himself outside of the safety of the bunker.

Age Range and Description: Mid thirties. Slightly athletic build with rings under his eyes, like someone who doesn’t believe in “a day off.”

Core Trait A (Inventive)

Sully puts together a baseball bat with two electric nailers on the end of the bat.
Sully uses the door as a shield with nails and saw blades run through it.
Sully sets the gas range to where it just releases gas, lights a candle and rolls it to the gas leak to create an explosion
Sully spills milk and bleach on the floor to impede the worms from slithering through
Sully crafts a circular saw blade launcher to decapitate the alien host
Sully positions mirrors for Jude to shoot at and hit her targets

Core Trait B (Loving)

Sully gives Isaiah a kiss on the forehead before heading out to attack the aliens.
Sully builds a wall around Isaiah.
Sully makes a weapon for Isaiah to protect himself with.
Sully admits his flaws to Isaiah before telling him he loves him.
Sully hugs Isaiah close and tells him he’s the best thing to every happen to him.
Sully apologizes for spending more time working his ass off than spending time with Isaiah.

Core Trait C (Controlling)

Sully puts Isaiah in a corner and nails a part of his shirt to the wall.
Sully tells Jude to stand back, even though she has a laser gun.
Sully tells Jude what to make and how, before Jude ignores him and grabs a gun instead.
Sully gives Isaiah a weapon and asks him to not let the aliens take him (essentially asking Isaiah to kill himself before getting infected)
Sully ignores any advice that Jude or Isaiah give. Sully uses brute force in comparison to Jude who uses leverage and martial knowledge, and Isaiah acts more like a knowledgeable zoo keeper in the action.

Core Trait D (Disguising)

Sully stays quiet except for quick explanations like “I’ve got it,” or “It’s my job.”
Sully tells Isaiah that it’s his (Sully’s) fault that they’re in this situation.
Sully quotes vague verses from The Bible to explain his state of mind.
Sully looks at a picture of his son the entire time he’s working, while avoiding looking at his son right beside him.
Sully asks Jude to protect Isaiah while he goes and faces off against all of them.

Character Subtext (Sully disguises his toxic sense of responsibility from his son)

Sully tells Isaiah that he loves him over and over again
Sully launches into a monologue about the love fathers have for their sons, and the efforts they’re called to go to to protect them.

Character Motivation; Want/Need (The character wants to regain the control he feels he lost. What he needs is to let go and understand he’s never been in control of his surroundings; he can only work on controlling himself.)

Sully tries to single handedly kill off the aliens and host himself.
Sully tells Isaiah to stay back and denies any help offered as he double-times his efforts to fortify their room.
Sully develops new weapons, but every time Isaiah tries to help, Sully responds with a “Don’t touch that.”

Paradoxes; Warring elements (Sully wants to raise Isaiah to be his own person, free and loving, but struggles to accept Isaiah’s perceived flaws and mannerisms.)

Whenever Isaiah gives an idea on what to do about the worms, Sully responds with a “that’s great,” but ultimately ignores the suggestion.
Sully asks Isaiah for help in limited fashion (go grab this or that), but asks that he not get distracted on the way, bringing up a previous event for context

Secret (Isaiah was an “Oops Baby,” and Sully blames himself and feels resentment that his wife’s last years alive were spent taking care of a special needs child instead of relaxing and enjoying life.)

Sully tells Isaiah that “this is what he was born to do” in reference to his help with the aliens.
Sully apologizes to his deceased wife for breaking a promise.

Flaw (Sully believes life would’ve been easier and his wife would be alive without Isaiah, even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself?)

Sully tells Isaiah they wouldn’t be in this mess if his mother were still around.
Sully tells himself out loud that he’d be safe and sound in the bunker if he had “kept it in his pants” and didn’t have Isaiah

Special (Sully manufactures weapons and devices out of scrap. Sully is on the spectrum, just like his son.)

Sully doesn’t hesitate, immediately seeing tools and reconfiguring them into weapons against the aliens.
Sully talks to himself as he makes weapons out of power tools.
Sully apologizes to the tools and talks them through their deconstruction into weapons.

Character Name: Isaiah

Role in the Story: Antagonist. Son to Sully and a child who falls somewhere on the autism spectrum, between fully autistic and high functioning Asperger’s.

Age and Description: Between 8-12 years old. Typical boyish form with a hunch from always looking down, and eyes that shift from dazed/looking off into space and alert.

Core Trait A: Obsessive

Isaiah asks that the worms not be hurt, insisting he knows how to coexist with them.
Isaiah provides information that the worms are extremely sensitive to alkaline including chemicals as tame as milk to as harmful as bleach, which would almost instantly kill them.

Core Trait B: Focused

Isaiah watches his dad’s work closely, asking carefully thought out questions to learn from him.
Isaiah can’t take his eyes off of the door where the host and aliens are trying to get through, unaware of anything else around him, including anything that might slither up behind him.

Core Trait C: Covering Up

Isaiah declines to mention or just flat out lies about how he knows so much about the aliens.
Isaiah hides some of the spy’s work investigating the worms, worried that someone else’s work will lead back to him.

Core Trait D: Gentle

Isaiah insists on a non lethal measure to dealing with the worms.
Isaiah hands things to Sully and Jude delicately
Isaiah lays out bait and catches the worms, careful not to hurt them.
Isaiah makes soft, deliberate noises to the worms, as opposed to the chaos created by both Sully and Jude’s efforts.

Character Subtext (Isaiah’s obsessed with the aliens, but doesn’t want his father to know that he’s been spending all his time studying them)

Isaiah lies, badly.
Isaiah says he’s “heard things” when he means to say he’s experimented.
Isaiah hunches over, trying to not let his dad see what he’s doing.

Character Motivation; Want/Need (Isaiah wants to help his dad survive; what he needs is for his dad to love him)

Isaiah catches the worms and tells his dad to look
Isaiah makes loud banging noises that both he and the worms can’t stand in order to stun them and help his dad survive.

Paradoxes; Warring elements (Isaiah possesses gifted intelligence and awareness of his surroundings, but is often overwhelmed by his surroundings.)

Isaiah is so focussed on what his dad is doing to the worms, that he misses one slithering up to him.
Isaiah watches the worm he’s caught and forgets that he’s still in the middle of a life and death situation

Secret (He’s observed the aliens and his obsessions with infiltration, stealth, and escape routes are inspired by his obsession with the aliens.)

Isaiah looks out for potential escape/entry points and marks them with spray paint, knowing the alkalinity will deter the worms like mint deters wasps back on earth.
Isaiah gathers as many alkaline chemicals he can, while Jude and Sully figure out weapons and fight off the worms.

Flaw (He struggles with connecting with others, including his own father, because his brain works differently from others.)

Takes any amount of sarcasm literally
Argues with his dad on “rules” that were provided to him before, because he doesn’t recognize that the context has shifted.

Special (Isaiah has acute Asperger’s, and has become obsessed with the worms.)

Isaiah tries to write down notes or study notes in a workbook as the conflict is going down.
Isaiah holds his hands to his ears and mutters to shut out the chaos as much as he can.

Character Name: Jude

Role in the Story: Supporting Character 1

Age Range and Description: Between 55-70 years old. Unassuming outside of being fitter than she looks, able to still engage with some martial arts like jiujitsu, judo, and gun-fu. Sally Field meets John Wick.

Core Trait A: Undercover

Jude sacrifices some information (she has a laser gun), but she ignores any questioning
Jude palm prints her way through her security, revealing the tool room isn’t just a tool room.
Jude spends more time eliminating her own evidence than she does fighting aliens, showing one is more important to her than the other.

Core Trait B: Motherly

Jude comforts Isaiah with encouraging words.
Jude watches Isaiah trap and work with the worms and kills the worms, telling him to clean up after himself.
Jude offers to make something for Isaiah and Sully while she blasts the worms.

Core Trait C: Terse

Jude responds to questions with short, borderline hostile retorts.
While Sully tries over-explaining everything, Jude gives single word commands to Sully and Isaiah. Jude fluctuates between southern belle and commando.

Core Trait D: Curious

Jude encourages Isaiah to engage in more dangerous catching strategies to observe him.
Jude goes between Sully and Isaiah, asking each what they’re doing (building weapons out of tools and catching aliens)

Motivation; Want/Need (Wants to find redemption for her past deeds/Needs validation/acceptance)

Jude discourages Sully and Isaiah from getting involved in the same way Sully discourages her from getting involved in fighting the worms.
Jude goes “John Wick” gun-fu on the worms.
Jude prays over each fallen victim she tried to rescue/protect, not for them but for herself.

Paradoxes; Warring elements (She’s very motherly, but it often hides the true meaning of what she says. She both loves and takes pride in how good of a spy and assassin she’s been in the past, and also resents that part of herself.)

Jude talks in grandmotherly idioms to bring out what Sully and Isaiah know about the worms.
She makes an unbelievable shot, killing multiple worms, and smiles while saying “goodness me, these things are messy.”

Secret (She’s a spy for the Hegemony, sent to eliminate any evidence that the Hegemony knew about the worms or that their knowledge that the colony is untenable)

Jude puts out fires she started previously when she first enters her living quarters.
Jude splashes paint remover on every wall while shooting aliens.
Jude says everything’s “classified” whenever Sully asks about a new gun or piece of tech that Jude pulls out.

Flaw (Her loyalty to the Hegemony above the individual colonists)

She gives a warning shot to Sully when he says something negative about the Hegemony
She questions herself for saving Sully and Isaiah, saying she has “buyers’ remorse.”

Special (She’s a sharpshooter and talented spy):

She’s James Bond if Bond was played by Judi Dench instead of Daniel Craig.
She displays subtle martial skill. While being too old to overpower many of the hosts or Sully, she can use joint locks and leverage her opponent with expert technique and precision.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Chemistry

What I learned from doing this assignment is…How to think about the dimensions that characters can interact in. I know from an acting standpoint chemistry is a big deal, but I never knew how to communicate it through writing. Like with structure before I started studying it, I would sometimes luck upon it in other writing projects. But this is a big help to start having more of a say as to how to equip my character interactions with chemistry. The other thing I noticed when watching HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON was how chemistry between characters can carry a theme and similar motifs. Hiccup is the only one in his village that isn’t possessed with the idea of killing dragons, and his feebleness reflects this. Meanwhile, a number of the characters challenge him in different ways with the question, “Who’s side are you on?” Hiccup and his dad carry much of the conflict, but Astrid provides a different angle while carrying the conflict between father and son for much of the second act when Stoick isn’t around. The main differences between Astrid and Stoick is that Astrid serves as both a rival and love interest, while Stoick is clearly the father whose approval is sought after. In addition, Gobber serves as more of a supportive mentor role, not only feeding the characters and audience information about the dragons, but also teaching Hiccup about blacksmithing. However, Gobber’s friendship with Stoick balances the relationship he has with Hiccup, in that he’s prevented from being a stale, purely supportive character by presenting many of Stoick’s complaints to Hiccup as well. Therefore, what Gobber gives is the ear that Hiccup needs from his dad, while also standing in the way as a trusted ally to carry Hiccup’s secret about Toothless. The way these four characters interact gives us a variety of the same argument (theme) by challenging Hiccup in different ways, while also allowing Hiccup to bounce off of them in different ways as well; Hiccup can’t talk to his dad like he can talk to Gobber, and Hiccup shouldn’t talk to his dad like he might with Astrid, his love interest. All three characters present the “Us vs. Them” argument, with Hiccup having to choose between Dragons (his self confidence) or his Dad’s approval and Astrid’s love (the confidence others give him). In the end, he gets both only through having confidence in himself (his dragons).

OPEN WIDE

Characters:

1. Sully

2. Isaiah

3. Markus

4. Jude

5. Apollo

Relationships:

Protagonist/Antagonist –

Sully & Isaiah. While not a traditional Protagonist/Antagonist relationship in the sense of enemies, they do compete for the goal of control. Sully wants Isaiah out of the way as much as possible, as much of a non-factor as possible, while Isaiah wants to be a part of the discussion and viewed as an equal.

A. Common ground / similarities – The two are father and son. The story hints that both are, to some degree, on the autism spectrum. They’re both experts in a given area (Sully:tools, Isaiah:worms), both have a deep understanding of the space colony compound due to their knowledge in a given area

B. Differences that create conflict – Sully is the father, while Isaiah is his child. Isaiah is fascinated by the aliens, while Sully is disgusted with them. Whether Sully is on the autism spectrum or not, Isaiah is “lower functioning” than Sully is.

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas – N/A

D. Need fulfillment – Sully fulfills Isaiah’s need to be understood, while Isaiah fulfills Sully’s need for love.

Protagonist/Connecting Character (connecting them and the antagonist) – N/A

Antagonist/Connecting Character (connecting them and the protagonist) – N/A

Protagonist/Supporting Character 1 –

Sully & Jude. Jude represents two different functions. First is the maternal need that Isaiah desperately needs, and what Sully struggles to provide.

A. Common ground / similarities – They both have kids.

B. Differences that create conflict – Jude is more interested in Isaiah and gives him the understanding he needs, while Sully is focused on just getting out alive.

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas – Jude wants to keep herself and Sully out of the bunker, while Sully wants to find a way inside the bunker.

D. Need fulfillment – N/A

Antagonist/Supporting Character 1 –

Isaiah & Jude. Second is her connection to and impact on the colony as a spy sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the worms. Her efforts prior to the events of the narrative make her as much an expert on the worms as Isaiah.

A. Common ground / similarities – Both have an above average understanding of the worms.

B. Differences that create conflict – N/A

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas – Isaiah wants to know more about the worms from Jude, while Jude wants to know how much Isaiah knows and whether it leads back to the Hegemony.

D. Need fulfillment – Jude gives Isaiah the understanding he craves from his father, while Isaiah gives Jude her chance to “redeem” herself.

Secondary Protagonist/Supporting Character 2 –

Markus & Apollo.

A. Common ground / similarities – Both grew up in the same city on earth. Both are trying to find a new life in the space colonies.

B. Differences that create conflict – Apollo wants to join in a mutiny, while Markus wants to find an escape.

C. Playing the same game / Competing Agendas – N/A

D. Need fulfillment – N/A

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Character Arc

What I learned about this assignment is…Well, my day 7 outline for OPEN WIDE tells a completely different story than what it is today. The day 7 assignment still has the spy as the main character, and everything takes place inside the bunker until the midpoint, not the other way around as it’s told in this version. The other thing I remembered when revisiting this specific assignment was that I used a plot structure “cheat sheet” with the assignment. So, I finished the assignment’s character arc requirement, but also included 30 plot beats. Honestly, while the 30 plot beats helped get me started for the follow up lessons, it kinda defeated the purpose of this assignment’s requirements in that the outline doesn’t solely highlight the character arc’s plot points themselves. Still, it was helpful to look over the previous assignment’s requirements and what I had written then in order to get ideas for how to execute this one. Ultimately, this assignment was helpful for identifying the exact scenes and challenges that drive the transformation in the story. Without this precision, it’d be very easy to gloss over the character arc and hint at it, instead of taking an honest journey of self discovery.

Sully’s character arc – From desperate to regain control to recognizing he was never in control of anything other than himself.

Sully’s revised character arc (action oriented) – From hiding his son away to embracing his son.

Part to be Changed: Sully hiding his son away or keeping him “out of the way”

Biggest Fear: That he’ll have to choose between himself and his son.

Completion of the Arc: Sully relies on his son to succeed.

(Note: Coming back to this after my Day 7 notes was really fun. In there, I talked about needing to find something simpler or more primal than the political conflicts involved with the initial concept. I think this father/son dynamic hits that mark, especially after watching films like Pixar’s TURNING RED and COCO as well as Disney’s ENCANTO (sometimes the only films you can study are the ones that your child is allowed to watch, per your wife). There seems to be a trend of films taking a hard look at the different struggles families face, and I’m hopeful I can build off of that.)

Issue:

Sully is a confident, creative engineer, but an unsure and reluctant father. He struggles to see his son as more than an obstacle outside of home life. This is reflected in the opening when Sully is quick to pass his son off on someone else to get him out of the way. Even though Sully has a point and the worksite is dangerous, Sully doesn’t want to leave what’s comfortable for him and just wants his son to go away until he’s ready for him. He’s still a caring father, and shows it by making a pair of ear muffs to help his son cope with the loud alarm. But as soon as he does that, he grabs his son and runs with him, not listening to any other request, as though his son just needed a quick tuneup and is good to go.

Challenges:

Challenge 1: Sully is locked outside of the bunker with his son. There’s no escape.

Challenge 2: Isaiah tells Sully to stop running and to be gentle with him, but Sully sees a worm and ignores his son’s advice.

Challenge 3: There’re a couple of other residents who didn’t make it to the bunker. Isaiah tries to say something about the worms, but Sully hushes him as they hide. Isaiah throws something to distract the worm. It works, but a resident runs in the opposite direction and the worm catches him and slithers down his throat.

Challenge 4: Isaiah asks to help fight the aliens and host, but Sully declines.

Challenge 5: Isaiah asks to help guide Sully to the bunker, but Sully lures him into a closet and locks him inside.

Challenge 6: After Isaiah saves Sully from the bunker, Sully still doesn’t listen to him, and it leads to Isaiah falling into a spore nest and getting infected.

Challenge 7: The exterminators arrive, the hosts and aliens are frantic, and Sully and Isaiah are surrounded, hiding, and Sully is completely out of ideas.

Transformation:

Sully turns to Isaiah and tells him he needs his help, both to save themselves and to try and save Isaiah from his infection. Sully stops trying to take everything on himself, and relies on his son from here on out.

[Cameron Martin]

Additional lessons…practice, practice, practice. Also, keeping things light and moving (not being overly critical). Focusing on showing the character arc through action (among other story elements) is helpful for both making discoveries about your story and it lends itself to a more engaging product.

POSSESSING EDEN

Janus’ character arc – Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness

Janus’ revised character arc (action oriented) – From asserting her will over others to healing and uplifting others.

Part to be Changed: Janus seeks moral validation through rules, as opposed to empathy, and by extension uses her powers to control and manipulate others.

Biggest Fear: That she can and will kill again. That she’s a monster. That everything she knows is wrong. That she can’t make things right.

Completion of the Arc: Janus uses her powers to empower rather than take control

Issue: Janus uses her power to possess machines without a second thought, even flaunting her power.

Challenges:

Challenge 1: She creates a copy of herself and unintentionally kills the man she saved years ago when they were still children.

Challenge 2: When she’s told there’s no way to bring him back, she convinces her Copy to help break in and steal from her creator.

Challenge 3: When her siblings and creator try to stop her, she possesses them and other machines, creating chaos on route to her escape to the underworld.

Challenge 4: Copy raises questions about Janus’ leadership and morality, but Janus assures she won’t copy herself again or use others as collateral.

Challenge 5: Copy and Janus are captured by slavers and forced to compete in a gladiator ring. Janus recruits the help of an underworlder, something forbidden in hers and Copy’s faith. Janus insists the ends justify the means.

Challenge 6: Janus fights in the gladiator ring and possesses different machines, but can’t overcome Alrick and Adam’s forces and dies.

Challenge 7: She reincarnates, a master of her own afterlife, but Copy, seeing this as cheating justice, makes a deal with Adam

Challenge 8: Janus’s siblings attack a village, and Janus uses her powers once again, this time to alter the world itself, but struggles to avoid casualties.

Challenge 9: Copy attacks Janus, copying herself over and over again, challenging Janus to break her promise and copy herself again.

Transformation:

Janus uses compassion, rather than force, and heals herself. She then carries this newfound ability to Adam and uplifts him, repairing his code, rather than exploiting it and taking control.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

The Kid’s character arc – This Kid goes from hiding her passion to embracing it…from lying to her father to being honest with him…from shirking responsibility to accepting it…from being afraid to go slow (impatient) to cruise control (patient/waiting for things to happen)…from repressing her desires to respecting them…from hating her father to loving her father…from blaming others to accepting responsibility…

The Kid’s revised character arc (action oriented) – The Kid goes from trying to outrun accountability to stopping and accepting responsibility

Part to be Changed: The Kid is like a bus that can’t slow down.

Biggest Fear: She’ll be trapped in a life that she’ll never get out of.

Completion of the Arc: She accepts parole and assists the Lieutenant she was running from.

Issue: The Kid is living a double life, lying to her dad while trying to get out of a life of perceived mediocrity.

Challenges:

Challenge 1: Dad insists on a defensive driving course for a speeding ticket.

Challenge 2: Cops try pulling over Dad and Kid.

Challenge 3: Kid tries escaping, but Dad is also in control of the vehicle.

Challenge 4: Dad insists on Kid turning herself in and going into witness protection, because Boss will kill them both. Kid doesn’t believe him and tries getting away.

Challenge 5: Dad keeps up with her, tracks her down to an old stomping grounds of theirs. She’s not going to lose her dad.

Challenge 6: Lieutenant catches up with dad and kid. Kid tries escaping, but her crew comes and sees she and her dad were conversing with a cop.

Challenge 7: Crew and cops engage in back and forth, and Kid tries getting both her and her dad out of the crossfire.

Challenge 8: Boss sends hitman to deal with the two of them.

Challenge 9: Hitman finds Kid and Dad. Janitor reports Kid and Dad, so the cops find the two of them, and Dad is killed.

Transformation:

Kid accepts that her actions led to her dad’s death, and she makes a deal with the Lieutenant to help capture her boss and go on parole.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Characters Live!

What I learned doing this assignment is…First, I didn’t know I could do this, or was allowed to do this. I didn’t know I could describe the character in any way outside of the character’s actions. So that’s new! In addition, this gave me a unique freedom in writing I haven’t enjoyed before: having fun with the dialogue and descriptions. Usually, I’m trying to get to the point and keep things grounded and believable. But this introduced a strategy that allowed me to infuse a little personality that I really liked.

INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

A massive, rounded tent envelops the work site, where dozens of men scurry like ants in the construction of a new section of the space colony.

Behind the controlled chaos is the colony, with unfinished rods, wires, and beams jutting out like the rib cage of a dying animal.

Sparks whiz off the blade of a grinder cutting through a piece of rebar.

The grinder snaps and part of the circular blade screams across the work site and blasts through the tent covering.

An alarm sounds off as everyone’s attention and movement is diverted to a different pattern. Engineers and workers gather masks and run to the tent’s tear.

One ENGINEER races for the air vent and shuts it off.

The collapsing tent is held up at the point of the tear by the dozens of people, while one man is trusted to patch the hole.

SULLY, a man in his early thirties, eternally walking on a tight rope. He maintains a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wants kids. Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love.

SULLY

(talking his way through a process)

What in the jumped up hell happened here? Yeah, you had some shrapnel. But that should’ve gone through you like a dull hammer through sand.

WORKER

(holding up the tent)

How you holding up, Sul?

SULLY

I’m sorry, I know. Should’ve been done by now.

WORKER

What’s the holdup?

SULLY

Trying to make sure our only security isn’t equivalent to a zip tie on a safe.

WORKER

Didn’t smart people make this shit?

SULLY

Everyone’s doing their best. Not everyone’s best is all that smart.

Sully finishes the repairs.

SULLY

Done! Eat it NASA.

The engineer turns the air vent back on, but…

Nothing.

Engineer flips the switch a couple more times. He gets in front of the nozzle to take a look…

BOOM!

The engineer is blasted back 20 yards.

As the vent lifts up, Sully races to the Engineer.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Dueling Agendas

What I learned doing this assignment is…acting classes were a big help. This was one of the basic skills to learn in both improv and straight up acting courses and performing on stage. So, this lesson was an excellent refresher on the necessity to think from each character’s angle as an actor would. “What is the character wanting?” What’s excellent about the direction this course took though, was to ensure each character’s ‘want’ didn’t just differ, but ran counter to what another character wanted. Being conscious of that with each scene going forward will be helpful to write engaging plot beats, characters, and dialogue.

Sully

Agenda: Project a good image and demeanor, while getting his son to get off the construction site.

Character Traits: Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

Subtext: Disguising

Isaiah

Agenda: To get his dad to leave the construction site and observe a discovery he made.

Character Traits: Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

Subtext: Covering Up

Outline

Sully tells a coworker not to sweat it

Isaiah enters, excited and oblivious to the work being done around him

Sully excuses him on account of dangerous work

Isaiah tells him he’s made a discovery

Sully feigns interest and tells him later

Isaiah misses the cue and doubles down with vagueries

Sully comes out flat and tells Isaiah to go home

Isaiah tries convincing Sully

Sully ignores and has an assistant escort Isaiah off the worksite

Isaiah squirms out, and tries calming himself

Sully tells Isaiah to stop acting out and to look him in the eye

Isaiah stiffens but can’t bring himself to look his dad in the eye

Sully gets frustrated and tells him if he can’t follow a basic instruction as looking someone in the eye , then he has no place here.

Scene

INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY

SULLY helps up the ENGINEER that was knocked back by the blast of air from the engine.

SULLY (offering a hand) – “You alright?”

ENGINEER – “Can’t fuckin’ breathe.”

SULLY – “Do I need to get help, or are you just being over dramatic?”

ENGINEER coughs and takes the hand. He makes a motion that he’s fine.

SULLY pats him on the back.

ISAIAH runs in, focused solely on his dad and oblivious to the work being down around him. Many of the workers have to stop to avoid running into the young kid.

ISAIAH – “Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!”

SULLY sees his son and motions for him to slow down.

SULLY – “Jesus, Isaiah! Watch where you’re going.”

ISAIAH slows down, but keeps walking at a brisk pace, again, not paying attention to who’s around.

ISAIAH – “Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…”

SULLY (grabbing ISAIAH’s shoulders) – “What are you doing here?”

ISAIAH – “I made the most amazing discovery!”

SULLY – “That’s great. Tell me about it later.”

(turning away)

“Can I get an assistant here?”

ISAIAH – “I know! I know how the tunnels work!”

An ASSISTANT walks up to SULLY and ISAIAH.

ASSISTANT – “Whatcha got?”

SULLY (to ASSISTANT) – “Take him back to, to wherever he’s supposed to be. School. Take him back to school.”

Assistant (to ISAIAH) – “Come on. This isn’t a safe place for little boys.”

ISAIAH (to ASSISTANT) – “In a minute.”

(to SULLY)

“Dad—“

SULLY – “Isaiah, go back to school. It’s not safe here.”

ISAIAH – “But, it’s not safe anywhere. Anyway, you gotta see this!”

SULLY (to ASSISTANT) – “Get him out of here.”

The ASSISTANT takes ISAIAH by the arm, but ISAIAH squirms and rips his arm free.

ISAIAH holds himself tight, his arms wrapping around his torso like he’s in a straight jacket.

Each time the ASSISTANT and SULLY try grabbing ISAIAH’s hand or arm, he pulls away, looking down at the ground and humming a constant tone.

SULLY (grabbing ISAIAH’s shoulders and holding him still) “Isaiah, look at me.”

ISAIAH hums louder, focussed on the ground.

SULLY – “Look at me, Isaiah.”

ISAIAH – “MMHMM!”

SULLY – “If you can’t follow basic instructions, then you don’t belong here with me.”

[Cameron Martin]

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

The Kid

Agenda: To abandon her dad and escape

Character Traits: In denial, Deceitful, Reckless, Loyal

Subtext: In denial and Deceitful; The Kid lies about her criminal pursuits to her dad, she refuses to believe her dad when he says she can’t trust her boss, She lies to her dad about seeking justice. She hides the reason she even entered a life of crime in the first place

The Dad

Agenda: To convince his daughter to turn herself in

Character Traits: Protective, Concealing, Overbearing, Experienced

Subtext: Concealing; The dad acts like a suburban weakling to conceal his past, The dad tries to explain things in modern terminology when he struggles to connect with his daughter.

Outline

The Kid parks the car at a gas pump.

The Dad tells the Kid to stay in the car.

The Kid tells her Dad she knows more about a car than he does.

The Dad challenges the Kid’s confidence.

The Kid challenges the Dad’s authority.

The Dad uses the Kid’s lingo to try to get through to her.

The Kid doesn’t give him anything. Just starts get out of the car.

The Dad tells the truth about his past.

Scene

INT/EXT. Driver’s Education Vehicle – Day

THE KID pulls the car up to a gas pump, adrenaline still racing through both hers and THE DAD’s bodies.

She parks the car and turns the ignition off. An exhale of the engine matches the collective release both feel…

for a moment…

before the question of what happens next begins to cook their brains again.

THE KID

I’ll get the gas.

THE DAD

Stay in the car.

THE KID

We need gas.

THE DAD

Trust me. The gas is not going anywhere.

THE KID

Look, dad. I didn’t need the stupid driving lesson. I didn’t need you getting in the way. It’s not a crime that I’m a better driver than you.

Awkward pause.

THE DAD

You think your hot shit, don’t you?

The Kid gulps. She’s crossed the border, but there’s no turning back now.

THE KID

You think you’re still in charge?

The Dad, expressionless. He’s had enough of this. Takes a deep breath.

THE DAD

For shizzle.

THE KID

Ummmmm.

THE DAD

Is that not this generation? Yo, your life is about to be…fire…if you don’t…uh…

Nothing.

The Kid just stares at her dad, unimpressed, and done.

She opens the car door.

THE DAD

Wait.

The Kid takes a step out.

THE DAD

I used to drive with your boss, Malachi.

The Kid freezes, recognizing the name as her boss.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Subtext and Loglines

What I learned doing this assignment is…how to give my characters so much more depth and dimension from simply looking at irony as a source of inspiration. Seriously, Sully developed as a character before my eyes. In addition, it was great to go into this assignment after the feedback on the outline, because I knew what goals to have for the characters. Adding the subtext to Isaiah’s character helped to add a whole new subplot and angle for Isaiah that would assist in the logic gaps or sticking points in the original outline. What also helped was writing the character loglines from all three angles to see which fit the best and created the most intrigue. Markus is still a work in progress, but we’re getting there. I keep teetering between the plot from the episode PALS from the OUR WORLD WAR docuseries and Matthew 26: 69-75 as inspiration. Have to land on something eventually.

Name: Sully

Traits: Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Disguising

Subtext: Disguising

Character Logline:

A: Sully is an engineer who wants to be a loving father for his wife and son, but comes against the harsh expectations of space colonization and ravenous appetites of alien parasites.

B: Sully is a talented engineer who must fight off parasitic aliens and exterminators sent to kill him in order to save his son.

B.2: Sully is a talented engineer who must connect with his special needs son in order to survive an outbreak of alien parasitic worms.

C: Sully has difficulty separating the love for his son from a past mistake, and must find a way to reconcile his guilt in order to save both himself and his son from alien parasites.

Possible areas of subtext: Distances himself from others, brushes off association with son, Covers up the guilt he feels about his wife, Hides how he feels from his son, lies to himself

Name: Isaiah

Traits: Obsessive, Focused, Covering Up, Gentle

Subtext: Covering Up

Character Logline:

A: Isaiah is an autistic boy who must wants his father’s approval, but comes up against his father’s controlling nature and drive to survive against the aliens Isaiah loves.

Possible areas of subtext: Hiding the source of his inspiration, his love for the aliens, using his knowledge of the aliens to gain his dad’s approval, keeping a worm as a pet and hiding it from others.

Name: Markus

Traits: Discreet, Innocent, Loyal, Scholarly

Subtext: Discreet

Character Logline:

A: Markus is a stowaway who wanted to avoid being drafted into war, but comes up against a conscription to exterminate aliens and the call to execute his best friend in order to silence dissent.

B: Markus is a stowaway who must conceal his identity to escape the wrath of the military and the appetites of the aliens.

C: Markus has to conceal his identity as both a stowaway and a draft escapee, and must sacrifice his friend and others in order to escape from conflict.

Possible areas of subtext: Markus has to hide where he’s from or why he’s on the Hegemony passenger vessel, Markus has to convince his friend to not get involved, Markus conceals his relationship with his friend when he’s caught

[Cameron Martin]

Additional lessons learned…The importance of analyzing your logline from as many different angles as possible to make new discoveries. Also, actually writing down how your character will use subtext helps to get a sense of how your character will act from scene to scene and what their motives in each scene are. It’s an awesome roadmap.

POSSESSING EDEN

Name: Janus

Traits: Overconfident, Protective, Convicted, Nervous

Subtext: Nervous

Character Logline:

A. Janus is a guardian angel who wants to resurrect Pan, the person she unintentionally killed, but comes up against her own creator who manipulates the forces of “heaven” and “hell” to stop her.

B. Janus is a guardian angel who must overcome the forces of “heaven” and “hell” to resurrect someone she killed.

C. Janus suffers from intense guilt for the murder she unintentionally committed, and must challenge her creator and his world in order to resurrect her victim

Possible areas of subtext: Janus acts confident to hide her sense of nervousness and guilt. Janus lies about the feeling of possessing another machine or how good it felt to copy herself.

Name: Adam

Traits: Manipulative, Self-destructive, god-complex, ruthless

Subtext: Manipulative

Character Logline:

A. Adam is a computer virus turned god who wants his progeny to succeed him and further his influence beyond the tower, but comes up against one of his creations that actively disobeys him.

B. Adam is a computer virus turned god who must overcome his own creation’s rebellion in order to fulfill his plan for expansion.

C. Adam has a creation that actively disobeys him, and must either turn her back to his side or kill her in order to maintain control of his world.

Possible areas of subtext: Adam gaslights himself and his creations to fulfill an objective, Adam buries the lead when the question of his intentions for expansion come up, Adam lies about his role as a savior for humanity

Name: Copy

Traits: Underhanded, Perfectionistic, Politically Correct, Zealous

Subtext: Underhanded and Politically Correct

Character Logline:

A. Copy is a copy/shadow of Janus who wants to see Janus face justice for her actions, but comes up against Janus’ resolve and ability to reincarnate without judgment.

B. Copy is a copy/shadow of Janus who must convince Janus to follow her, rather than the other way around, to have Janus see justice for her actions.

C. Copy has a counterpart that cheats death and justice, and must either serve as a conscience or kill her in order to ensure she faces justice.

Possible areas of subtext: Copy promises redemption when she really means to take control, Copy uses politically correct language to tear down Janus’ confidence, Copy compares herself to Janus and shifts the goal posts (alters expectations to benefit her at the expense of being fair to Janus) to position herself as the one who should be considered the real Janus.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

Name: The Kid

Traits: In Denial, Deceitful, Reckless, Loyal

Subtext: In Denial and Deceitful

Character Logline:

A. The Kid is a car thief who must escape from both the cops and her old boss to live free from consequences.

B. The Kid is a car thief who must overcome the cops, her old boss, and save her dad to live free on the open road.

C. The Kid has both the cops and her old boss trying to capture her, and she must lose her dad who’s tailing her in order to escape and live free.

Possible areas of subtext: The Kid lies about her criminal pursuits to her dad, she refuses to believe her dad when he says she can’t trust her boss, She lies to her dad about seeking justice. She hides the reason she even entered a life of crime in the first place

Name: The Dad

Traits: Protective, Concealing, Overbearing, Experienced

Subtext: Concealing

Character Logline:

A. The Dad is a hitman turned driving instructor who must keep up with his daughter and convince her to turn herself in to protect her from his former partner.

B. The Dad is a hitman turned driving instructor who must overcome his daughter’s drive for independence to ensure her safety.

C. The Dad has a daughter who’s followed in his footsteps despite his best efforts, and must keep up with his daughter and convince her to turn herself in so that she can be kept safe.

Possible areas of subtext: The dad acts like a suburban weakling to conceal his past, The dad tries to explain things in modern terminology when he struggles to connect with his daughter.

Name: The Boss

Traits: Vengeful, Modest, Self-Censoring, Entrepreneurial

Subtext: Modest and Self-Censoring

Character Logline:

A. The Boss is a crime boss who wants to make an example of his pupil, The Kid, and his former partner, The Dad, but comes up against the combined talents of both of them.

B. The Boss is a crime boss who must capture his pupil, The Kid, and his former partner, The Dad, to make an example of them to ensure the sustainability of his business.

C. The Boss has a potential investor that backs out of a deal when word gets out about a lack of institutional control, and must capture both The Kid and The Dad in order to reestablish control of his organization.

Possible areas of subtext: The Boss speaks professionally when he’s violent. It’s always business and never personal, even when it is.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is… to heavily consider the character’s roll in the story, as it pertains to the plot and theme. Also, I learned to never discount the work that can be put in to a minor character. First of all, reading this assignment initially flew in the face of what I’d learned from reading Robert McKee’s section on dialogue, in his book STORY. Paraphrasing, Robert McKee writes that if you have a line of dialogue that draws attention to itself, then you should cut that line of dialogue. This assignment showed a completely different mindset to take, that screenplays have as much to do with marketing toward potential allies as they do with the actual story itself. In addition, as writing Sully’s and Isaiah‘s character descriptions came swiftly, Markus was much more difficult to figure out. It came to my attention that I didn’t really have an arc or a story planned for Markus, which made it difficult to place any character description down. I would come up with an idea, and then have to scratch it because the character and arc I was writing for Markus seemed out of place with the theme and plot of the rest of the film. Still, the process of figuring out the different character descriptions assisted in brainstorming a more approachable and a tragic story for the Markus character that adds more weight to the themes and world of OPEN WIDE. This has been an eye-opening exercise in constructing characters beyond the “want versus need” component, and I’m looking forward to the next lesson to improve in an area of my writing that has been sorely underperforming.

Character Name: Sully

1. Basic character traits: Inventive, Loving, Controlling, Angry

2. Want/Need: The character wants to regain the control he feels he lost. What he needs is to let go and understand he’s never been in control of his surroundings; he can only work on controlling himself.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements): Sully wants to raise Isaiah to be his own person, free and loving, but struggles to accept Isaiah’s perceived flaws and mannerisms.

4. Secret: Isaiah was an “Oops Baby,” and Sully blames himself and feels resentment that his wife’s last years alive were spent taking care of a special needs child instead of relaxing and enjoying life.

5. Flaw: Sully believes life would’ve been easier and his wife would be alive without Isaiah, even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself?

6. Special: Sully manufactures weapons and devices out of scrap. Sully is on the spectrum, just like his son.

Character Name: Isaiah

1. Basic character traits: Obsessive, Focused, Insensitive, Gentle

2. Want/Need: Isaiah wants to help his dad survive; what he needs is for his dad to love him

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements): Isaiah possesses gifted intelligence and awareness of his surroundings, but is often overwhelmed by his surroundings.

4. Secret: He’s observed the aliens and his obsessions with infiltration, stealth, and escape routes are inspired by his obsession with the aliens.

5. Flaw: He struggles with connecting with others, including his own father, because his brain works differently from others.

6. Special: Isaiah has acute Asperger’s, and has become obsessed with the worms.

Character Name: Markus

Basic character traits: Decisive, Innocent, Loyal, Scholarly

2. Want/Need: Markus wants to be protected; what he needs is to protect himself, even from those offering protection

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements): He opposes bullies in his books, but supports bullies in real life

4. Secret: He’s a stowaway that his best friend brought along

5. Flaw: He’s too reluctant to act when the time comes.

6. Special: He’s gay? He’s never seen the stars before? He’s book-smart but not traveled? He’s a draft burner? All of the above?

[Cameron Martin]

What else I learned…This is just a quick and solid way of elevating characters. Didn’t make too many major discoveries with this walk through, but the three characters I worked on between the two concepts became so much richer. I do probably need to make a couple more unique though, as I feel I’ve already seen “The Dad” and “The Boss” in other works, and Janus may need some tweaking or she risks becoming a crybaby-badass, which is a trope I honestly kind of hate.

POSSESSING EDEN

Character Name: Janus

1. Basic character traits: Overconfident, Protective, Convicted, Nervous

2. Want/Need: Janus wants to bring Pan back from the dead/Janus needs redemption

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements): Janus wants to represent her creator while actively fighting against it via her quest.

4. Secret: It felt right to Janus when she erased Pan to create her Copy.

5. Flaw: She’s too hard on herself and too easily accepts criticism

6. Special: She is the creation of a computer virus, and possesses the ability to control any machine in the world.

Character Name: Adam

1. Basic character traits: Manipulative, Self-destructive, god-complex, Ruthless

2. Want/Need: Wants to stop Janus from resurrecting Pan and compromising his world/Needs total capitulation to feel acceptance.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements): Loves his creation but will ultimately destroy it if it means he can stay in control

4. Secret: He didn’t save mankind, but rather enslaved a small population in a high rise on another planet.

5. Flaw: Believes self criticism is necessary to come out stronger.

6. Special: He’s a self-aware computer virus playing as god.

Character Name: Copy

1. Basic character traits: Underhanded, Perfectionistic, Politically correct, Zealous

2. Want/Need: Wants Janus to face the consequences of her actions/Needs to learn to show mercy and forgiveness

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements): Wants to support Janus on her quest, but only if she can face judgement from a system that led to Pan’s murder in the first place. (Refuses to give up on Adam’s worldview while assisting Janus, for a time, on her quest that threatens it.)

4. Secret: Copy plans to help Adam destroy Janus so that she can take her counterpart’s place.

5. Flaw: Copy’s perfectionism drives her to hurt the ones she wants to be perfect for.

6. Special: She is an alter-ego, a shadow of her creator, Janus.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

Character Name: The Kid

1. Basic character traits: In denial, Deceitful, Reckless, Loyal

2. Want/Need: Wants to escape from the consequences of her actions/Needs approval

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements): Wants to be free and on the open road, away from her Dad’s expectations, but also wants her Dad’s approval.

4. Secret:

What are they hiding that ultimately could keep them from getting their desire in this story?

5. Flaw:

What weakness or dysfunction does this character have that makes them human?

6. Special:

The thing that completely separates this character from all others. It could be the part of them that is odd or intense or cool or profound.

Character Name: The Dad

1. Basic character traits: Protective, Concealing, Overbearing, Experienced

2. Want/Need: Wants to keep his daughter safe/Needs to connect on his daughter’s need for independence

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements): Is both about as average a suburban dad can be, and a machine behind the wheel and in crime.

4. Secret: Was “The Boss’s” partner with both car thefts and before going into witness protection.

5. Flaw: Micromanages every facet of his and his daughter’s life to hide/prevent his past from resurfacing.

6. Special: He’s a house broken John Wick.

Character Name: The Boss

1. Basic character traits: Vengeful, Modest, Self-Censoring, Entrepreneurial

2. Want/Need: Wants The Kid to learn a lesson for stealing his car, and wants to kill The Dad for his betrayal years ago/Needs to establish a business culture and expectation that drives growth for his organization.

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements): He’s a paragon of professionalism while being particularly murderous and violet.

4. Secret: N/A

5. Flaw: Values his own success over the lives of others

6. Special: Killed his own father to rise in power.

[Cameron Martin]

OPEN WIDE

A. Concept:

A father must survive an outbreak of alien parasitic worms that infect everyone in his commune, including his special needs son.

B. Plot Choice:

Escape

C. Character Structure:

#2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters

Sully is the parent of a special needs child who struggles find a way to save both himself and his child from inevitable death.

Isaiah is a developmentally delayed 8-10 year old who’s mannerisms have become more severe since the loss of his mother, and struggles to find his identity with the only parent he has left.

E. Dramatic Question:

Will the father be able to save his son?

F. Main Conflict:

Almost everything in the world, from alien hosts to conscripted liquidators, is trying to kill the two.

G. Dilemma:

Will Sully be patient and team up with his special needs son, or will he limit and confine him for his own good?

H. Theme:

Genuine communication and collaboration is necessary for survival.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

From impatient and unsure father to confident and collaborative parent.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child before the bunker closes shut.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully starts coming up with a plan for him and his son to survive and find a way inside the sealed bunker.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

Outline

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah (about 8-10 years old), who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers. One of the workers runs into a problem, but Sully is able to save the construction site and the workers.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully tells him to go back to his virtual class, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks off to pull a prank on his dad, nearly hurting a number of workers in the process. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive. Sully is then called into his manager’s office.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get his child under control. Boss- “This is space! We can’t take risks here, or lives will be lost!” An alarm goes off warning of aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully searches for his son high and low, but each time he gets close, Isaiah runs away.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. A doctor starts administering treatment.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding, and they both run to the bunker.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. It’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

CONT.

An alien worm discovers and pursues them. Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

CONT.

More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner room of the Old Lady’s apartment and slam the door on the aliens. The Old Lady teaches Sully to makeshift a weapon, and the two fight off the hostile aliens.

CONT.

Isaiah picks up a weapon and swings it wildly. Sully gets the weapon back, but not before getting hit with it. Sully- “You don’t have a say! You don’t have any privileges! You do what I say, when I say it, or else!”

CONT.

Sully and Old Lady fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Old Lady comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony.

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

The passenger learns with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy isn’t in the bunker. The spy reveals that she’s infected, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. The passenger we’ve followed takes a stand, and other passengers join in a protest.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. She takes a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The protestors are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully climbs across a bridge in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. His weight puts too much pressure on one point, but it holds…for now.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, and goes around it.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully drops into the bunker and discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping a line for him, and the two escape.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. With the hosts still tailing them, Sully pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and places replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host and seals the way to them as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it back to their hideout. Though Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, he thanks Isaiah for saving him, and admits he should’ve listened.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of liquidators and aliens alike.

CONT.

Sully apologizes to his son and asks him for help, while the two are surrounded. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into a liquidator.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but Liquidators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run like hell to the Medical Bay.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and liquidators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours a liquid substance over the hatching worms, killing them.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as military personnel break in. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer pulls out his firearm to shoot the father and son.

CONT.

The liquidators form a wall around Sully and retaliate against the officer and his men, setting the stage for a mutiny.

INT. LIQUIDATOR’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

One of the conscripted liquidators gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Cameron Martin.

[Cameron Martin]

Notes: Still working on rethinking the title according to Michael’s notes, along with getting the action of the ending clearer. Not happy yet with the Markus subplot, but it’s a starting point. Great questions and suggestions by both June and Michael helped me to make the aliens clearer in how they work and also tighten up the necessary questions. Got a long way to go…

OPEN WIDE v.2

Concept: On a recently colonized planet, a single father and his special needs son must find a way to work together and heal their relationship in order to survive a deadly infestation of alien, parasitic worms that infect and turn everyone in his colony into ravenous monsters.

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B. Plot Choice:

Escape

C. Character Structure:

#1 Protagonist versus Antagonist

D. Lead Characters

Sully is a talented and creative builder, but also a widower and single parent of a special needs child. His struggles to move past his own expectations and connect with his son come to a breaking point when he must rescue his son from monstrous alien parasites, both throughout the confines of the space colony and within his son’s own lungs.

Isaiah is an 8-12 year old who falls somewhere on the autistic spectrum. His mannerisms have become more severe since the loss of his mother, and his obsession with puzzles and escape routes both lead him to trouble and save his dad on more than one occasion.

E. Dramatic Question:

Will the father be able to save his son?

F. Main Conflict:

Almost everything in the world, from alien hosts to conscripted exterminators, is trying to kill the two.

G. Dilemma(s):

First Sully must choose between abandoning his son for the safety of the bunker versus staying with his son and risk dying with him. The next dilemma is built up through the second act with subplots where different characters are faced with the moral dilemma of sacrificing the life/lives of the few (sometimes their own) for the sake of the many. When Sully is faced with this same choice, he risks the lives of many for the sake of his son. Finally, the prevailing dilemma Sully faces is how much trust he can or should place in his own son. Isaiah is determined to be recognized by his father and meet his expectations, but his autistic mannerisms make it difficult for Sully to trust him. The problem is the harder Sully restrains Isaiah, the more reckless Isaiah becomes in his pursuit to prove himself to the only parent he has left, and the one who understands him the least.

H. Theme:

Mutual communication and collaboration are necessary for survival.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):

From impatient and unsure father to confident and collaborative parent.

J. Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening: Sully is a talented builder who’s work on a newly developing space colony is invaluable for the success of establishing sustainable human life on dangerous, hostile planet, but it’s the reckless actions of his autistic son that draw the most attention from Sully’s superiors.

2. Inciting Incident: A siren warns the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until exterminators can arrive to extinguish the nest that’s developed and grown inside the outer walls of the colony.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully can’t find his child before the bunker is sealed, requiring him to find a way to protect both himself and his son from the monsters that are all around them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully receives help from another colonist (a spy) whose documents unveil a possible alternative way inside the Bunker, prompting Sully to lock his son in a secure location before taking on the dangerous reconnaissance to validate the findings.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The exterminators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, trapping Sully between an army and a swarm.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son try sneaking their way to a medical bay on board the exterminator’s ship in order to surgically remove the eggs that are rapidly growing in Isaiah’s lungs, but when Isaiah starts coughing, they draw the attention of everyone trying to kill them.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer, loving relationship.

OPEN WIDE

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Following an establishing shot/montage of an alien solar system and a space colony on another planet, we flash forward to the carnage painting the walls of the space colony maroon, and Sully holding his son, Isaiah (about 8-12 years old), who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers. One of the workers runs into a problem, but Sully is able to save the construction site and the workers.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully tells him he needs to go back to his class, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children, before requesting an assistant to escort Isaiah back.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks off from the escort to pull a prank on his dad and show him that he knows how to exploit every nook and cranny in the space colony, but in the process he nearly hurts a number of the workers at the new construction zone. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive, before Sully is called into his manager’s office.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get his child under control. Boss- “Terraforming is only halfway done. That means it’s still dangerous outside, and that means what? We can’t take risks here, or lives will be lost!” An alarm goes off warning of aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them. The mother and father argue about the virtue of protocol at the expense of humanity, and a doctor who knows the family vouches for them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully finds Isaiah hiding in a corner with his eyes closed and his hands over his ears, while making noises to tune out the siren. Sully tries grabbing him by the hand, but as soon as Isaiah’s hand leaves his ear, exposing him to the loud sound of the siren, he runs away and hides again.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. The doctor starts administering treatment, telling the other scared colonists that it’s just a bad case of pneumonia, and that some people’s lungs struggle with the artificial air, and that this has been the case with the teenager for months now.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully takes a headband out of his deceased wife’s drawer (untouched for weeks) and fashions earmuffs with it. He gives it to Isaiah who doesn’t want to be carried, but Sully picks him up anyway so they can get to the bunker faster.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late, with Isaiah still trying to get out of Sully’s grip. Sully is pissed off with Isaiah and lets him know as calmly as he can, informing him that they’ll have to work together to make it out alive.

CONT.

An adult alien worm (about 15 feet long) breaks through of a vent and slithers after them. Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, drawing the worm into another apartment living quarters, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

CONT.

More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, Jude, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker, takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner/tool room of Jude’s apartment and slam the door on the aliens. Sully goes to work make-shifting a weapon, and to his surprise Jude pulls out a laser gun from a safe. The two fight off the hostile aliens, and Jude doesn’t miss a single shot.

CONT.

Isaiah picks up a circular saw in the midst of the chaos and swings it wildly. Sully, not wanting Isaiah to handle anything dangerous, gets the weapon back, but not before almost losing an arm in doing so. Sully- “You don’t have a say! You do what I say, when I say it, or else! That’s how we’re going to get through this!”

CONT.

Sully and Jude fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Jude comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony (the government entity that presides over the space colony).

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

The passenger, Markus, learns with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why Jude isn’t in the bunker. Jude reveals that she was infected on her way to the bunker, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do.

Jude – “You know how they work, don’t you? Their eggs grow like a fungus from back on Earth. At the end of her cycle, the queen burrows deep and her eggs grow out of her in any confined space, whether it be a cave, a tree hollow…or a space colony. Then, the fungal eggs are carried on the wind, or ventilation system, and breathed deep by a new host, where they’ll grow in less than an hour, so that GOD knows how many worms hatch from inside you, and take over your body like it’s their shell to go hunting with.”

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. Markus is asked to join several other passengers in taking a stand.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. She takes a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

Jude – “It’s funny, you know. There used to be a natural predator to these monsters, but we wiped them all out when we started terraforming the planet. Somehow, the worms survived and are thriving now more than nature ever intended. Now any new space colony risks an outbreak. But you know our government will never own up to their mistakes. Terraforming is expensive, and we’ve just put too much into this planet to stop now.”

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

Markus is brought aside by the ship military’s commanding officer, who bribes Markus to oust the prospective mutineers. When Markus accepts the bribe to spare himself from conscription, the mutineers are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders. Markus is conscripted anyway, but is handed a actual revolver so he stands more of a chance.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Sully lures Isaiah into a closet and locks him inside to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully inches across the roof of the enclosed space colony in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. He walks over a weak point in the structure, but it manages to hold. Sully makes a mental note to avoid that spot in the future.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to escape from his closet. He gathers rope and some tools from the tool room, and a spare ventilation suit.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, but because of its location on the structure, Isaiah has to go around it by climbing on the side of the building.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully opens up a point in the roof with a grinder and crawls into a shaft that leads to the bunker.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully uses the grinder to open a hole into the bunker. When he drops down into the bunker, he discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family, who attack him on all fours and lash out with their jaws that separate from their skulls with the worm’s body attaching the two. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping the rope for him. Dad climbs up the rope that’s anchored to the vent, through the use of the power tools Isaiah brought.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. Stressed about the hosts still tailing them, Sully forgets about the weak point in the structure, and pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah when his mask breaks.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host on his way back inside the colony, and seals the way in as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, but expresses remorse about pushing Isaiah into the nest.

Sully – “I knew it was there. How could I forget? Why did I push you when I knew it was a mistake!?”

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Exterminators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of exterminators and aliens alike.

CONT.

While the two are surrounded, Sully apologizes to his son and asks him to help by using his knowledge of escape routes to get them to a medical bay aboard the exterminator’s vessel. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into an exterminator.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but exterminators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run as fast as they can to the Medical Bay, with Sully using his makeshift weapon against the exterminators by aiming for their hands and guns, until it’s out of ammo.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and exterminators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours liquid nitrogen over the hatching worms, killing them.

INT. PASSENGER VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as exterminators and military personnel break in. Markus is among them. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer pulls out his firearm to shoot the father and son.

CONT.

Markus uses the revolver he was given earlier and shoots the officer. He and the other exterminators form a wall around Sully, setting the stage for a mutiny.

INT. PASSENGER’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

Markus gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

</div>

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Pass 10: Essence Only

What I learned doing this assignment is…As I mentioned in assignment 15, I worked on this one in conjunction with the previous one. Time got away from me in light of my little brother’s birthday weekend. Regardless, I was caught off guard by Hal’s insistence on a 4-6 page outline. On one hand, I could change the font on my computer and BLAMO! I’ve got it down to 6 pages. BUT, that wouldn’t do this assignment justice. Based on the things I noticed with the previous assignment, it was great to edit my outline down by removing redundancies from the story, changing the organization of scenes for a better flow, and most importantly ensuring each scene turned in some way. Also, after talking with my wife and sister (a child psychologist) about the father/son dynamic, it was pretty clear the version of Sully I had was a real jerk. Though I tried to make the situation and characters empathetic, I may have pushed Sully into too far a corner for him to be redeemed by. So it was helpful to tailor back some of the perceptively negative choices my protagonist made from this outline, so that room could be made for a more complex relationship between father and son. Even though I came into this module having read and applied a number of outlining strategies, this was a welcome class to get more practice in and learn many more methods to get that initial outline down to something quick and easy to read.

LOGLINE: A father must survive an outbreak of alien parasitic worms that infect everyone in his commune, including his special needs son.

DRAMATIC QUESTION: Will the father be able to save his son?

MAIN CONFLICT: Almost everything in the world, from alien hosts to conscripted liquidators, is trying to kill the two.

DILEMMA: Will Sully be patient and team up with his special needs son, or will he limit and confine him for his own good.

THEME: Genuine communication and collaboration is necessary for survival.

OPEN WIDE

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah (about 8-10 years old), who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers. One of the workers runs into a problem, but Sully is able to save the construction site and the workers.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully tells him to go back to his virtual class, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks off to pull a prank on his dad, nearly hurting a number of workers in the process. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive. Sully is then called into his manager’s office.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get his child under control. Boss- “This is space! We can’t take risks here, or lives will be lost!” An alarm goes off warning of aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully searches for his son high and low, but each time he gets close, Isaiah runs away.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. A doctor starts administering treatment.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding, and they both run to the bunker.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. It’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

CONT.

An alien worm discovers and pursues them. Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

CONT.

More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner room of the Old Lady’s apartment and slam the door on the aliens. The Old Lady teaches Sully to makeshift a weapon, and the two fight off the hostile aliens.

CONT.

Isaiah picks up a weapon and swings it wildly. Sully gets the weapon back, but not before getting hit with it. Sully- “You don’t have a say! You don’t have any privileges! You do what I say, when I say it, or else!”

CONT.

Sully and Old Lady fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Old Lady comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony.

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

The passenger learns with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy isn’t in the bunker. The spy reveals that she’s infected, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. The passenger we’ve followed takes a stand, and other passengers join in a protest.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. She takes a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The protestors are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully climbs across a bridge in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. His weight puts too much pressure on one point, but it holds…for now.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, and goes around it.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully drops into the bunker and discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping a line for him, and the two escape.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. With the hosts still tailing them, Sully pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and places replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host and seals the way to them as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it back to their hideout. Though Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, he thanks Isaiah for saving him, and admits he should’ve listened.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of liquidators and aliens alike.

CONT.

Sully apologizes to his son and asks him for help, while the two are surrounded. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into a liquidator.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but Liquidators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run like hell to the Medical Bay.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and liquidators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours a liquid substance over the hatching worms, killing them.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as military personnel break in. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer pulls out his firearm to shoot the father and son.

CONT.

The liquidators form a wall around Sully and retaliate against the officer and his men, setting the stage for a mutiny.

INT. LIQUIDATOR’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

One of the conscripted liquidators gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate

What I learned doing this assignment is…To be honest, I finished this assignment in conjunction with assignment 16. Though, both of these assignments taught me the value in assessing your outline backwards to ensure each scene is actually a scene, in that the story turns in some way. There were a number of scenes highlighted as needing improvement because there wasn’t enough going on. However, by going through this process, I discovered a number of these scenes were more along the lines of moments, rather than turning points. In addition, as assignment 16 taught me, by getting my outline down to the 4-6 page requirement, I was able to nail down the objective that each scene required. I’m looking forward to exchanging feedback and uncovering more of how to hone my outlining skills for the benefit of a professional screenplay.

Scenes with Problems:

With both OPEN WIDE and GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP, the majority of problems came in the final act. Thought I love the final act of both of these concepts, the actual action that takes place is either unclear or worse…unearned. Some of these are as simple as sitting down and working out the action of the final act. One of the ideas, notably The Boss’ revelation from GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP, needs a much better setup. Because this is an outline, and there’s almost no dialogue included, it forces you to tell the story through action to establish those setups and payoffs, which is both the beauty of this process, and the challenge early on.

Scenes that could be elevated:

About a third of the scenes I outlined could be elevated. I gauged the quality of the scene by Robert McKee’s philosophy on whether a scene turns or not. If the scene didn’t start at one of the spectrum (positive or negative) and end at the other end of the spectrum, or at least end in a more positive or more negative charge than what it started with, then the scene was a non-event. Nothing important happened. Luckily, a number of these scenes are easy fixes, as the action that turns the scene isn’t represented in the outline as it’s written now. When a number of these are fixed, the outcome should be that the focus is on the action that turns the moment to moment emotion, rather than vague and unnecessary descriptors.

OPEN WIDE

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah, who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers. One of the workers runs into a problem, but Sully is able to save the construction site and the workers.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully tells him to go back to his virtual class, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks off to pull a prank on his dad, nearly hurting a number of workers in the process. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive. Sully is then called into his manager’s office.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get his child under control. Boss- “This is space! We can’t take risks here, or lives will be lost!” An alarm goes off warning of aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully searches for his son high and low, but each time he gets close, Isaiah runs away.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. A doctor starts administering treatment.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding, and they both run to the bunker.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. It’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

CONT.

An alien worm discovers and pursues them. Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

CONT.

More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

They make it to a corner room of the Old Lady’s apartment and slam the door on the aliens. The Old Lady teaches Sully to makeshift a weapon, and the two fight off the hostile aliens.

CONT.

Isaiah picks up a weapon and swings it wildly. Sully gets the weapon back, but not before getting hit with it. Sully- “You don’t have a say! You don’t have any privileges! You do what I say, when I say it, or else!”

CONT.

Sully and Old Lady fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Old Lady comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony.

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

The passenger learns with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy isn’t in the bunker. The spy reveals that she’s infected, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. The passenger we’ve followed takes a stand, and other passengers join in a protest.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. She takes a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The protestors are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Sully climbs across a bridge in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. His weight puts too much pressure on one point, but it holds…for now.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, and goes around it.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully drops into the bunker and discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping a line for him, and the two escape.

EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. With the hosts still tailing them, Sully pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and places replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host and seals the way to them as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it back to their hideout. Though Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, he thanks Isaiah for saving him, and admits he should’ve listened.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of liquidators and aliens alike.

CONT.

Sully apologizes to his son and asks him for help, while the two are surrounded. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into a liquidator.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT

Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but Liquidators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run like hell to the Medical Bay.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and liquidators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours a liquid substance over the hatching worms, killing them.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully holds his son close as military personnel break in. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer pulls out his firearm to shoot the father and son.

CONT.

The liquidators form a wall around Sully and retaliate against the officer and his men, setting the stage for a mutiny.

INT. LIQUIDATOR’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

One of the conscripted liquidators gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Pass #8: Cliche Busting!

What I learned doing this assignment is…I love Hal’s brainstorming method, and the application of it to each scene is really fun. Honestly, it didn’t take long at all to come up with another 10 ideas for what a typical set piece could be, and it really opened up some possibilities. Plus, I could imagine this technique being really useful in meeting with a producer. Let’s say one of my ideas for a location or a specific action can’t be done because of budgeting, access to locations, contracts, etc, and I have to find a way to use what the production does have access to, while keeping the script true to its original vision. This skill is awesome for that, and what’s more is I’ll already have a bank of ideas before that conversation ever arises! Really simple strategy, and I’m looking forward to applying it throughout my outlines, beyond the improvement of cliche set piece.

OPEN WIDE

CHOSEN SCENE: Crawling through a vent/air duct

PURPOSE: Get characters from point A to B, set up Isaiah getting infected, and escape set piece.

1. Moving through the walls.

2. Crawling beneath the floors.

3. Sneaking down an open hallway.

4. Opening up walls and crossing through them.

5. Tiptoeing through a nest/egg deposit.

6. Wading through the sewers.

7. Walking over rafters on top of the enclosed colony in a space suit.

8. Remote controlling a robot that gets covered in spores.

9. Going through a mine shaft

10. Running and gunning through a hostile hive of different aliens.

I really like number 7. Just can’t get it out of my mind because it opens up more possibilities, and I can combine it with others like number 10.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Pass 7: Setup/Payoff Chains

What I learned doing this is…how to organize the different chains in a way that can be critiqued. What’s fun about this is this is the way I already think about story. I remember having discussions with writing friends years ago, and every time they finish an idea of theirs with “And the audience will never see it coming,” my response was always, “Who cares if the audience does?” The justification that would follow would be that earning the payoff/twist was more important than catching the audience off guard. It’s like listening to a favorite song of yours. You know the lyrics, you know the hooks, the solos, etc. What matters isn’t that you necessarily see it coming, but that it earns its payoffs, and this flow of setup/payoff is a great way to organize your story, so that everything builds upon each other. Again, though, what I really learned is that applying this strategy, especially after all of the preceding steps, really helps put the organization of the setup/payoff chains into focus so you can see what you have and improve where needed. Honestly, for some of this, I was making improvements as I was listing what I already had, just because being aware of it helped me to tie one thread to another. My word, OPEN WIDE works so much better now to communicate to the audience and our characters one consistent message, like the beating of a drum, and sets up the third act with such stakes that make the final outcome feel massive. I’ll try to elevate what I have in my other two concepts, so that they can work in tandem like the chains in OPEN WIDE do so well. Bad ass lesson and assignment!

(Note: Hoping to post the other two concepts in due time.)

OPEN WIDE

SP CHAIN 1: How can Sully survive this with Isaiah?

Setup: Sully and Isaiah have a visibly strained relationship, where Isaiah wants to do his own thing regardless of the threat of an alien outbreak.

Payoff 1: Sully forces his will on Isaiah, who kicks and cries, drawing the attention of aliens.

Payoff 2: Sully forces his will on Isaiah, who escapes from confinement.

Payoff 3: Sully forces his will on Isaiah, who gets infected.

Payoff 4: Sully asks Isaiah to help him, works with Isaiah, and the two survive their way to the ship.

Payoff 5: Sully and Isaiah work together to extract the parasites before they hatch and kill Isaiah.

SP CHAIN 2: Who is the Mysterious Woman? (Chain communicates this character had no choice)

Setup: Mysterious Woman chooses not to go into bunker.

Payoff 1: Mysterious Woman saves Sully and Isaiah.

Payoff 2: Mysterious Woman is a agent sent to cover up government’s involvement.

Payoff 3: Mysterious Woman was infected, and takes a lethal injection to kill herself.

SP CHAIN 3: Who are the passengers, and how are they related to the story? (Chain starts out with a message that the conscripts have no choice)

Setup: Passengers are awakened from cryo-sleep.

Payoff 1: Passengers are conscripted to go kill the aliens.

Payoff 2: Some passengers protest their unconditional drafting.

Payoff 3: Protesting passengers are made an example of to show they have no choice but to comply.

Payoff 4: Passengers hunt Sully, Isaiah, and the aliens.

Payoff 5: Passengers help Sully and Isaiah to escape.

SP CHAIN 4: What happened to the colonists in the bunker? (Another chain that foreshadows a “no choice” options. This is what will happen if Sully looks out for his son instead of containing the spread.)

Setup: Most of the colonists make it to the bunker, but it appears one of them may be infected.

Payoff 1: All of the colonists in the bunker are dead and made into hosts for alien parasites.

SP CHAIN 5: Will Sully get to the bunker, and what will he find there? (Mini movie)

Setup: Sully is left out of the bunker.

Payoff 1: Sully finds a map to the bunker.

Payoff 2: Sully makes it to the bunker, but it’s contaminated with aliens and hosts.

SP CHAIN 6: Will Isaiah escape the closet, and will he be able to rescue his dad? (Mini movie)

Setup: Isaiah is locked in a closet for his own safety.

Payoff 1: Isaiah knows more about the ins and outs of the colony than his dad who helped design it. Isaiah manipulates the panels to get out.

Payoff 2: Isaiah saves Sully.

SP CHAIN 7: Will Isaiah die from his infection? (Mini movie)

Setup: Isaiah gets infected. We’ve seen what happens with two other subplots, including the spy and the teenager, and we’ve seen how the greater world operates with a zero option principle.

Payoff 1: Sully works with Isaiah and saves him from the parasites.

Payoff 2: The passengers choose to help Sully and Isaiah escape after the two show them there are choices to be made.

SP CHAIN 8: The weak point in the vent.

Setup: Sully comes across a weak point in the vent, but doesn’t notice because it initially holds up to his weight.

Payoff 1: Isaiah discovers the weak point, and that it won’t hold up again, not even to his weight. He finds a way around.

Setup 2: Sully insists and pushes Isaiah in the direction he initially came, including across the weak point in the vent.

Payoff 2: The vent breaks and Isaiah falls through, into a spore nest.

Which Chain was improved, and how did it impact the outline:

SP Chain #7, though all of them had some wordsmithing rendered, and were clarified into what the point was. Also, SP Chain #8 was added in the final part while smoothing out the setups and payoffs for the other chains.

Revised SP Chain #7: Will Isaiah die from his infection, the same way we saw the others (Mini Movie)

Setup: Isaiah gets infected. (Sully is out of options; he either kills his son and spares him of pain, or he risks another outbreak to save his son.)

Payoff 1: Sully saves his son, but is surrounded by conscripted liquidators with orders to kill him and his son.

Payoff 2: The liquidators band around Sully and Isaiah to protect them. Sully and Isaiah’s success inspires the idea that there’s always another option.

Outline:

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah, who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully pushes him away, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children. Sully tells him to go back to his virtual class.

CONT.

Isaiah sneaks off and plays pranks on his dad. His antics escalate, eventually putting the construction site at risk, and nearly hurting a number of workers.

CONT.

Sully explodes on Isaiah in front of everyone. Isaiah runs away. Sully is then called into his manager’s office.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Sully talks with his boss who tells Sully he must get his child under control. “This is space! We can’t risk a toddler with a tantrum here, or lives will be lost!” Sully reveals he’s trying, but that Isaiah was more his wife’s child than his, and ever since she passed, Isaiah feels more unruly than ever.

CONT.

Alarm goes off warning of Aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

CONT.

Family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully searches for his son high and low, but each time he gets close, Isaiah runs away. Sully promises reward for Isaiah, who ignores the temptation.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. A doctor starts administering treatment.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding by apologizing for his earlier outburst, and they both run to the bunker.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully picks up Isaiah and runs with him, but Isaiah wants to run on his own. Sully resists this, promising Isaiah can run to his hearts content in the Bunker.

CONT.

Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. It’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully backtracks, physically restraining Isaiah, who doesn’t want to be carried anymore. An alien worm discovers and pursues them.

CONT.

Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

CONT.

More alien worms come out of hiding and pursue them. However, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker offers aid.

CONT.

The mysterious woman takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

CONT.

Isaiah starts kicking and screaming, drawing the attention of aliens and an alien host.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully pins Isaiah to the floor behind a counter and covers his mouth, begging him to stay quiet while he drags him to a corner room. Isaiah starts hitting and crying.

CONT.

The alien host breaks through the door and starts sniffing out the old lady, Sully, and Isaiah hiding in the room.

CONT.

Sully locks door to corner room and old lady goes to work crafting a weapon, while Isaiah yells at Sully.

CONT.

Alien host hears the scream and tries getting into the room. Old lady teaches Sully to makeshift a weapon, and the two fight off the hostile aliens. Isaiah wants to help, but Sully refuses harshly.

CONT.

In retaliation, Isaiah picks up a weapon. Sully tries to get the weapon back, but Isaiah swings the weapon at him. Sully threatens Isaiah, which leads to Isaiah giving up the weapon. “You don’t have a say. You don’t have any privileges. You do what I say, when I say it, or else!”

CONT.

Sully and Old Lady fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Old Lady comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as an agent for the Hegemony, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do.

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

The passenger learns with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if she’s with the Hegemony and they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. The passenger we’ve followed takes a stand, and other passengers join in a protest.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy isn’t in the bunker, and the spy finally reveals that she’s infected, and can’t sabotage the sanctity of the bunker. She tells him that they have no choice but to die, as anyone outside of the bunker is considered a liability, and to tie up any loose ends for their final moments, before she takes a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The protestors are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VENTS – NIGHT

Sully crawls through the vents, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. His weight puts too much pressure on one point in the vent, but it holds.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VENTS – NIGHT

Isaiah crawls through the vents, listening for his dad. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, and goes around it.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully makes it to the bunker and discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the vent to escape.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping a line for him, and the two escape through the vents.

INT. VENTS

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. Sully pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go with the hosts still tailing them down the vents.

CONT.

Sully pushes Isaiah across the same weak point in the vent as before, and Isaiah falls through this time dropping onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah.

INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT

Sully covers his mouth with a mask and pulls Isaiah out of the nest. He kills another host and seals the way to them as best he can.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it back to their hideout. Sully asks Isaiah why he ever left the safety of the closet he was locked in, and tells him that if he’d just stayed, he wouldn’t be infected. Isaiah cries and hits himself. Sully also adds if Isaiah didn’t come find him, that Sully would’ve been killed by the hosts, and Isaiah may have not been spared anyway by the liquidators.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

Times up. The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully gathers as many paper files as he can carry on the spy’s cover up of the outbreaks, and carries Isaiah to another room before Liquidators burst into the room they were just in. Isaiah starts to cough.

CONT.

Sully tells Isaiah to resist the need to cough, but he can’t help it, drawing the attention of more hosts and worms to kill, along with liquidators. Sully tries covering Isaiah’s mouth with a rag and searches for cough suppressants, but the coughing gets worse.

CONT.

Sully apologizes to his son, who’s trying his best to resist the need to cough, while the two are surrounded by aliens and liquidators alike. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into a liquidator.

CONT.

Sully asks his son for help to sneak the both of them into the Liquidator’s ship to get to a medical bay.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS) – NIGHT

Isaiah sneaks Sully around the carnage surrounding them.

CONT.

Liquidators break through one wall, finding the two. Sully and Isaiah make a break for it, narrowly escaping.

CONT.

Liquidators pursue, but Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier. The worm breaks through the mask of one of the liquidators and turns him into a bloodthirsty host.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship! They immediately go into hiding again, evading the detection of more liquidators and Hegemony military officers.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

Sully and Isaiah are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. Liquidators and military swarm in force.

CONT.

Sully and Isaiah evade and run like hell to the Medical Bay.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Sully gets as many supplies out as he can.

CONT.

Isaiah asks how he can help, and Sully describes what he’s looking for. Isaiah struggles to breathe as he locates some of the supplies. Meanwhile, military and liquidators try to break in to kill the two.

CONT.

Sully finds everything he needs, but before he can operate, Isaiah demands that he be the one to give the instructions.

CONT.

Sully complies, giving Isaiah pointers on what instructions to give Sully, and the two work together against the clock to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch.

CONT.

Sully kills the hatching eggs.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Sully embraces his son, holding him close to protect him from the liquidators and military personnel breaking in. He yells about the Hegemony’s secret involvement in perpetuating the alien worms and their cover up, and scatters the documents he took from the spy’s apartment across the floor; a last ditch effort to save themselves.

CONT.

As an officer is about to shoot both father and son in the head, the liquidators, seeing Sully’s efforts prove successful as well as hearing and seeing the spy’s secrets, form a wall around Sully, protecting him as he protects his child.

CONT.

The officer orders his men to kill the conscripts, but the liquidators retaliate. “There’s more of us than there are of them!”

INT. LIQUIDATOR’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT

One of the conscripted liquidators gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod, as the civil conflict heats up around them. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.

INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE

Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard their escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.

[Cameron Martin]

Additional lesson learned…It really helps to connect the chains by finding a single question or argument that ties in with your theme, if not just using the theme itself to connect the dots. For example, OPEN WIDE used the argument “There is no choice” in almost every chain to build the stakes for the final act with Sully having to turn to sharing the decision making process with his son. Meanwhile, GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP used the cliche statement “We’re not so different, you and I” in a lot of it’s chains. This helped to tie all of the characters together in a way that felt consistent and intentional. Finding that singular line and applying it through most of the chains was like applying a metronome to the story, and really helped get everything to jive to the same beat.

(Note: Still working on POSSESSING EDEN. The chains have been improved, but I feel the next step is to rewrite my outline to really get it to the same standard as the other two.)

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

SP CHAIN 1: Will The Kid’s late night antics catch up to her? (Mirror’s Dad’s question)

Setup: Kid takes Boss’ car for a joyride, but cops catch her on camera.

Payoff 1: Cops try to arrest her during a defensive driving course.

Payoff 2: Boss learns about her dad when both are broadcast on television during a high speed chase from the cops.

Payoff 3: Boss sends hitman to kill Kid and Dad. Hitman kills Dad.

SP CHAIN 2: What is The Dad’s connection to The Boss? (Mirror’s The Kid)

Setup 1: Dad fights for control of the car with his daughter, and shows he’s a better driver than expected.

Setup 2: Dad reveals to Kid he used to run with her Boss when he was younger, and went into hiding.

Payoff 1: Dad explains that he’s in witness protection, and the Boss has a vendetta against him for turning him in years ago.

Payoff 2: Dad’s past catches up with him when the Boss’ hitman shoots him.

SP CHAIN 3: Will the Lieutenant catch The Kid and The Dad? (Mirrors his father)

Setup: Lieutenant sees Kid and Boss on tv and makes the connection that they’re involved with the Boss.

Payoff 1: Lieutenant catches Kid and Dad at diner and is able to converse with the Dad to fill in some blanks before Kid and Dad escape.

Payoff 2: Lieutenant catches up with Kid and Dad again before getting stuck in crossfire and seeing a key witness, Dad, die.

Payoff 3: Lieutenant joins up with Kid to take down the Boss.

SP CHAIN 4: Will the Lieutenant save his marriage? (Other side of the Kid/Dad coin. Mirror’s his dad)

Setup: Lieutenant is in marriage counseling. Says he’s nothing like his father.

Payoff 1: Lieutenant disregards wife’s call and misses a counseling appointment. He’s more like his father than he wants to believe, just like the therapist told him.

Payoff 2: Lieutenant returns to an empty house, his wife gone. He is his father.

SP CHAIN 5: Will the Kid get away? (Conflict/When you’ve run out of road, nowhere to go but back where you came from)

Setup 1: Cops are on Kid’s tail.

Payoff 1: Kid is able to escape from the cops.

Setup 2: Boss’ crew is on Kid’s tail, with the cops.

Payoff 2: Kid escapes from both.

Setup 3: Hitman finds Kid and Dad.

Payoff 3: Dad doesn’t escape, but Kid does. Kid chooses to stop running after her dad dies, and goes after The Boss.

Setup 4: Kid asks Lieutenant for help, but Lieutenant declines. Kid goes alone.

Payoff 4: Kid fights Boss and wins when Lieutenant comes anyway.

Setup 5: Kid has to choose between running or stopping.

Payoff 5: Kid stays, making the same choice her dad once made.

SP CHAIN 6: Can The Kid and The Dad connect? (Plot/“We’re not so different, you and I”)

Setup: Kid and Dad argue at the breakfast table, like a normal family. They’re nothing alike.

Payoff 1: Kid and Dad argue about running from the cops, like a less normal family. They’re more alike behind a wheel than they realized.

Payoff 2: Kid and Dad argue about whether or not to trust in Dad’s old crime partner, and whether said partner is out to kill them, not at all like a normal family. They’re almost exactly alike.

Payoff 3: Kid and Dad start to connect, but the Hitman kills Dad. Kid failed to connect with her Dad in time. They’re the same, and what came for the Dad will one day come for the Kid.

SP CHAIN 7: Can the Kid save her dad? (Mini-Movie)

Setup: Dad gets shot in crossfire with Hitman.

Payoff 1: Kid gets Dad to car and drives him to Hospital.

Payoff 2: Kid makes it to doctors. Dad is still alive.

Payoff 3: Dad dies in doctors’ care. She failed to save her Dad.

SP CHAIN 8: Can The Kid take down The Boss? (Mini-Movie/Final Battle)

Setup 1: Boss learns Kid stole from him, and he wants to teach her a lesson.

Setup 2: Kid swears vengeance on the Boss for the death of her Dad.

Payoff 1: Kid gets to Boss, who was expecting her. Kid is on death’s door and gets crippled in the process.

Payoff 2: Kid gets another shot after the Lieutenant pulls through. Kid takes down the Boss.

SP CHAIN 9: Will the Hitman succeed against The Kid or The Dad? (Mini-Movie/Conflict)

Setup: Boss hires Hitman to take out Dad, and bring Kid back alive.

Payoff 1: Hitman finds Dad and Kid. He kills the Dad.

Payoff 2: Kid escapes and kills the Hitman.

Etc.

SP CHAIN 10: Will the Lieutenant work with The Kid on her quest? (Conflict)

Setup: Kid begs Lieutenant for help against the Boss, but Lieutenant has lost the will to fight after losing his family.

Payoff 1: Lieutenant saves Kid at the last second.

Which Chain was improved, and how did it impact the outline:

SP CHAIN 6…and others. Reason being the idea of “We’re not so different, you and I” is a cliche, but it ties in with the theme. This chain has to be tied in with others, and the others have to be modified to fit as well to echo the idea that no matter how unlike our parent’s we try to be, we still wind up being in some way the same. This helped the outline in a similar way to OPEN WIDE, where the subplots and action beat the same drum and beat.

Made the mistake of editing what I already wrote instead of leaving the revised versions under this section. My bad.

Outline:

INT. GARAGE – LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH – NIGHT

Kid’s bright eyes, reflecting her innocence and immaturity. She hot wires the car to take it for a spin.

INT. GARAGE – NIGHT

Kid takes the car out slow at first.

EXT. GARAGE / GATE – NIGHT

Kid gets the car as far as the gate of a luxurious estate. She gets caught by the guard, but escapes anyway.

EXT. STREETS – NIGHT

Kid joyrides like it’s a video game, evading cops along the way.

EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Kid parks the exotic car in a neighbor’s driveway and jumps a fence. Cops swarm neighbor’s house.

EXT. BACKYARDS – NIGHT

Kid parkours across neighbors’ yards.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Kid hot-wires a sedan. Pulls out of a different driveway.

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Kid parks the sedan in a parking lot adjacent with another neighbor’s fence.

EXT. HOME BACKYARD / KID’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Follow Kid to their home, a couple houses down from the parking lot.

INT. HOME – NIGHT

Kid sneaks into the house, undetected. She got away with everything…for now. The house is clean and organized like someone with OCD cared for it. Kid leaves her shoes in the middle of the room.

INT. HOME – DAY

Kid walks downstairs in a hard rock shirt, while the Dad is dressed in a button up shirt and khakis. Dad tells the Kid to put her shoes in the correct place, and the two talk about college choices and a minor speeding ticket – Kid isn’t involved much in the conversation as both Mom and Dad recount stories of when they were her age and hid from their parents that they got speeding tickets. Kid says she’s not like them at all, referring to their wardrobe choices and demeanor. Dad requires Kid to go through a defensive driving course with him.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

Kid and Dad get into a Prius. Dad tells Kid how to do everything, even though we know Kid can handle a vehicle just fine.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

Kid is identified by a cop based on a camera image from the previous night. Lights go up.

CONT.

Dad tells Kid to pull over. Kid pulls over.

CONT.

Backups arrive suddenly. Cops all get out and draw weapons, making demands to “get out of the car with your hands up!”

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

Kid makes a split decision, showing her dad that she’s a devil behind the wheel.

CONT.

Dad tries to stop her, and the two fight for control of the vehicle. Dad also reveals that he’s no slouch behind the wheel like The Kid assumed.

CONT.

The Kid wins out and gets away from the cops…in a Prius…

CONT.

Kid swears she didn’t do anything. Kid – “It’s not my fault.” Dad asks if she’s involved with The Boss (saying his name). Kid plays dumb and asks “Who?”

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant works on a case involving The Boss. Catches word of the Kid on a scanner and requests a profile on her, before he gets a ring notifying him he’s late for a counseling session. “Not now.”

INT. COUNSELOR’S OFFICE – DAY

The Lieutenant and his wife sit next to each other on a couch. The therapist asks questions to help the two resolve their marital issues, and we learn that The Lieutenant’s father was obsessed with his work in solving a big case, and that it lead to him leaving him and his family. Lieutenant is adamant that he’s not like his father, that he doesn’t abandon family, but that his job is important.

EXT. GAS STATION – DAY

Car is almost out of gas/Kid is forced to finally stop at a gas station four hours outside of town. Mom calls Dad and reveals the two are on TV and wanted, wants to know what’s going on.

INT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

Mom discusses with Dad whether to turn in daughter or not, and Dad reveals he has to get her in hiding because he knows whom she worked for. Mom’s caught off guard by the revelation that there are things about her husband that she never knew.

CONT.

Dad hangs up, and explains to the Kid that he used to steal cars in his youth, and that the Boss she worked for was an old partner of his, and that she has to go into hiding, just like he did. Kid says she knows Boss more than he does, and that he’ll help her get out from under the cops.

INT. MOB BOSS’ OFFICE – DAY

Kid and Dad appear on TV. Gate Guard confirms that the Kid on TV is the same one that stole the Mob Boss’ prized Countach, and that The Dad is his old partner. It’s personal, as he sends a crew to pick them up.

EXT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER – DAY

Kid parks wanted car in lot behind diner, next to a Honda Civic Type-R.

INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

Kid and Dad go inside the corner story beside the diner they used to frequent when they were younger. Kid identifies owner of the Honda while arguing with Dad, until Dad recounts his story with The Boss, and how he had to cut a deal with the cops and go into witness protection.

CONT.

Kid and Dad get dressed in new clothes and disguises.

CONT.

Kid and Dad take a seat inside the diner and reminisce about diner being a favorite of theirs growing up.

EXT/INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL-DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

Lieutenant catches up with Kid and Dad, wanting to ask some questions. Dad speaks with the Lieutenant, while Kid excuses herself, looking for a way out. She pickpockets the keys from the Honda owner and heads outside. But, Kid catches sight of her crew entering the building, and cops on the outside.

CONT.

Kid goes to her Dad and tells him they have to go. Lieutenant jokes that she must’ve caught sight of the cops. Kid sees the crew and knows because a cop is talking to her and her dad, they’ll assume she’s colluding with him. “You’re ruining my life!”

CONT.

Kid creates a scene and grabs Dad to avoid the crossfire between The Crew and the cops on their way out of the diner.

CONT.

Kid pulls out in someone’s Civic Type-R, outrunning everyone.

INT. MOB BOSS’ OFFICE – DAY

Boss sets up a bounty on the Kid and the Dad, meeting with a hitman.

EXT. DINER – DAY

Lieutenant tries every piece of evidence to find his leads, in the aftermath of the chaos, before getting another phone call advising he’s going to be late for a counseling session. Wife is upset that she wasn’t told he’d be going out of town. He hangs up.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

Kid and Dad park at an old school to hide out.

CONT.

Kid reveals to Dad she got roped into Boss’ affairs through a boy. The boy introduced her to boosting cars, and it was romantic at first, until the boy abused her at school. The Boss found out and took care of her, while she never saw the boy again. Never wanted to question it.

CONT.

Dad and Kid connect on the need to control their lives to avoid previous tragedy.

CONT.

Hitman and Cops close in when Janitor sees the Kid and Dad and calls them in.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

Dad gets shot in the crossfire between the cops and Lieutenant and the hitman.

INT/EXT. CIVIC TYPE-R – NIGHT

Kid tries running, but Hitman catches up. Kid hits the Hitman with the tail of her car and launches him into the side of the school, killing him.

CONT.

Kid takes Dad to Hospital.

EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Arrive at Hospital. Kid tends to Dad while doctors try to save him.

INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT

Kid watches as her Dad dies. She runs out of the hospital and drives away.

EXT. INTERSTATE – NIGHT

Kid drives for a long time.

INT. CAR – NIGHT

Kid calls 9-1-1 and demands to speak with the Lieutenant. She promises to turn herself in if she can go after the Mob with him.

INT. LIEUTENANT’S HOME – NIGHT

Kid gets ahold of Lieutenant who’s heartbroken. Reveals his family left him, and he doesn’t have the same fight in him as before. Kid gives address and says she’s going after The Boss, regardless.

INT/EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Kid goes after the Mob.

CONT.

Kid makes it to warehouse, and starts creating chaos.

CONT.

Kid falls into trap set by Mob boss. Has to escape.

CONT.

Mob Boss is a better driver than even the Kid. Runs her down and cripples her, requiring her to drive with one hand.

CONT.

Boss offers his condolences to Kid, while he has his men tie her up. Tells her he loved his father, wanted to be just like him. So, when the time came, he killed his father and took over the business.

CONT.

Cops and Lieutenant arrive and save the Kid before she’s killed. They search the premises for her and come across evidence of Mob’s efforts.

CONT.

Kid is more reckless than Mob Boss, and gets the upper hand.

CONT.

Kid and Boss race. Kid wins.

EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Kid accepts the handcuffs. Goes willingly with cops.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant makes a deal with the Kid to help him with more Grand Theft Auto Cases in exchange for less jail time.

EXT. DRIVING LOT

Kid’s eyes, now years older, looking over a lot where she helps teens, including her own, through driving courses, just like her Dad.

[Cameron Martin]

Screw it. Can’t afford to get bogged down. Have to move on to assignment 14. I’ll work on a rewrite during cliche busting, since that’ll make more sense anyway. Still, picked up a few plot holes by going through this process, particularly with the world building. It’s a damn pain sometimes to be working with three concepts simultaneously, but you get different lessons and breakthroughs with each. With POSSESSING EDEN, which is a wholly unique world that draws inspiration from a few familiar sources, I can’t rely on the same minimal world building that the other two use. I mean, OPEN WIDE requires a little more than GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP, since it’s in space, but the plot and setting stay contained and just trust that the audience understands aliens and the tropes of the genre. POSSESSING EDEN is a damned quest that ventures to different settings. Containing it to a singular high rise helps, but it doesn’t automatically fix all of the different questions that are going to be asked with the opening. Thus, going through this process revealed more plot holes that I didn’t even consider, and allowed me to answer them with action and payoffs. I wish I had this process years ago when I first started writing the script for this concept, because even though I had a good handle on the setup/payoff dynamic at the time, laying it all out like this would’ve saved a lot of time and headache to get it all to work in a way that was simple enough, consistent, and relevant to the theme of the story. Thanks Hal. Even the lessons that feel more like a refresher than something wholly new, still inspire breakthroughs and strategies to improve your craft.

POSSESSING EDEN

SP CHAIN 1: Who is the boy? (World-building)

Setup: Boy runs alone with a massive robot on his tail.

Payoff 1: Boy is from the underworld.

Payoff 2: Boy is taken into the upper floors and promised eternal life.

Payoff 3: Years later Boy (now Pan) is unknowingly sacrificed to reveal Janus’ ability to copy herself.

Payoff 4: Pan is reincarnated/saved by Janus.

SP CHAIN 2: What is this world and its rules? (World-building)

Setup: Seemingly abandoned tower, with iconography and giant robots.

Payoff 1: Janus takes Pan up the tower, and we see something more similar to Elysium or Heaven.

Payoff 2: Meet Adam.

Payoff 3: Pan is promised eternal life.

Payoff 4: Janus can possess machines.

Payoff 5: Adam reveals he saved mankind from armageddon, but had to separate some from the rest.

SP CHAIN 3: Who is the android? (World-building)

Setup: Cyborg girl, Janus, shows up to save Pan.

Payoff 1: Janus possesses giant robot hunting Pan, and makes it destroy itself.

Payoff 2: Janus takes Pan to her creator, Adam.

SP CHAIN 4: How will Janus bring back Pan? (Actual Plot)

Setup: Pan is sacrificed and can’t be reincarnated.

Payoff 1: Janus makes a plan with Copy to bring Pan back.

Payoff 2: Janus fulfills her plan, but it’s a trap.

Payoff 3: Janus resurrects Pan, but it’s not exactly the same Pan as before.

SP CHAIN 5: What will Adam do to stop Janus and why? (Actual Plot/Antagonist’s plan)

Setup: Adam doesn’t want Janus to subvert his world order, and kills the part of him that cares for Janus.

Payoff 1: Adam makes a deal with some underworlders to set a trap.

Payoff 2: Adam brings a force of sentries and kills Janus.

Payoff 3: Adam sends his guardians to stop Janus.

Payoff 4: Adam manipulates his followers against Janus.

Payoff 5: Adam turns Copy against Janus.

Payoff 6: Adam possesses his followers to stop Janus.

SP CHAIN 6: Will Janus and Copy make it through the Underworld? (Conflict)

Setup: The underworld is said to be dangerous.

Payoff 1: Janus and Copy are faced off with a cyborg reaper/Cerberus and barely survive.

Payoff 2: Janus and Copy are captured by slavers.

SP CHAIN 7: Who is the mute? (World-building)

Setup: Janus and Copy are surrounded by hostile cyborgs and other underworlders, but one of them, a mute, makes a deal with them.

Payoff 1: The mute is given his augmentation, a voice that hacks robots.

Payoff 2: The mute is Calvex, a shepherd from the lowest floor, and agrees to guide Janus and Copy through the rest of the underworld.

SP CHAIN 8: How will Copy hurt Janus and how will Janus deal with Copy? (Theme)

Setup: Copy yells at Janus for having a get out jail free card with her ability to reincarnate at will.

Payoff 1: Copy agrees to work with Adam so Janus can face justice.

Payoff 2: Copy blames Janus for harm to underworlders.

Payoff 3: Copy springs trap on Janus and tries to kill her.

Payoff 4: Copy merges with Janus.

SP CHAIN 9: How will Janus defeat Adam to resurrect both Calvex and Pan? (Theme/Actual Plot)

Setup: Adam advises he will not allow Janus to progress further, and will simply start over with his world.

Payoff 1: Janus recruits the underworld to fight Adam.

Payoff 2: Janus fights Adam, who splits and copies himself, and helps to heal Adam’s code and merge the Adams like she was able to.

SP CHAIN 10: Will Calvex survive the Lightning Run? (Conflict)

Setup: Calvex is placed in a race/execution.

Payoff 1: Calvex is saved by Janus.

Which Chain was improved, and how did it impact the outline:

Jeez, when I look at all the chains together, nothing really fits nicely together. You have three that are just straight world-building, two that are there for conflict, two to three that are the actual plot, and a couple that actually represent the theme. Being fair, most of the setting helps with the theme, but the actual plot points really need to be tailored to work together better.

To help isolate what needs work, I’ve categorized the purpose of each chain into different categories. The World-Building chains aren’t being touched much, because they’re necessary for setting up the world through action, and the world was cultivated to broadcast the theme. The conflict sections are basically mini-movies. They can be elevated to showcase the theme and decision Janus will ultimately have to make. And then, there’s the actual plot. Unlike OPEN WIDE, where that concept has chains that bring the protagonist’s ultimate decision to bear by escalating to show that there are no options, POSSESSING EDEN’s protagonist makes her choice fairly early in the story, and it comes down to her continued conviction in the face of increasing odds. Therefore, the plot has to be active with Janus being tested in every mini-movie, and at greater and greater levels throughout the plot, until her conviction leads her to tear down everything she knows.

Let’s fix this.

(P.S. Wound up fixing World-Building the most because I identified plot holes in the setups. This just saved me from having to answer those questions in a pitch to someone, versus answering them now in the outline.)

World-Building

SP CHAIN 1: Who is the boy? (World-building)

Setup: Boy runs alone with a massive robot on his tail.

Payoff 1: Boy is from the underworld.

Setup 2: What is the underworld?

Payoff 2: Underworld is where people live in retaliation to Adam’s vision.

Setup 3: Why do people live in retaliation, and what is Adam’s vision? What is so bad about it that people would give up immortality? What is so great about it that people would accept?

Payoff 3: Boy is taken into the upper floors and promised eternal life, if he is willing to accept that Adam may use his corporeal form for whatever he sees fit.

Payoff 4: Boy (Pan) accepts.

Setup 4: Will Adam abuse his power over Pan or any other residents?

Payoff 5: Years later Boy (now Pan) is unknowingly sacrificed to reveal Janus’ ability to copy herself.

Payoff 6: Pan is reincarnated/saved by Janus.

SP CHAIN 2: What is this world and its rules? (World-building)

Setup: Seemingly abandoned tower, with iconography and giant robots.

Payoff 1: Janus takes Pan up the tower, and we see something more similar to Elysium or Heaven.

Payoff 2: Meet Adam.

Payoff 3: Pan is promised eternal life in exchange for his code (soul).

Payoff 4: Janus can possess machines, just as Adam can possess them and his people.

Payoff 5: Adam reveals he saved mankind from armageddon, but to ensure mankind doesn’t kill itself again, Adam assumed total control over those who joined him. He could not force his will on those who did not because he’s a computer virus that cannot occupy the physical plane without a host body, and there aren’t enough host bodies to exact his will without possible failure. (Man, there’s gotta be a more efficient way to explain this crap)

SP CHAIN 3: Who is the android? (World-building)

Setup: Cyborg girl, Janus, shows up to save Pan.

Payoff 1: Janus possesses giant robot hunting Pan, and makes it destroy itself.

Payoff 2: Janus takes Pan to her creator, Adam. (Janus is a creation of an AI, Adam)

Sacrifices

SP CHAIN 4: How will Janus bring back Pan? (What will you sacrifice?)

Setup: Pan is sacrificed and can’t be reincarnated.

Payoff 1: Janus makes a plan with Copy to bring Pan back by stealing from Adam

Payoff 2. Janus fights Adam’s armies.

Payoff 3: Janus fights herself

Payoff 4: Janus fights Adam.

Payoff 5: Janus resurrects Pan, but it’s not exactly the same Pan as before.

SP CHAIN 5: What will Adam do to stop Janus and why? (What will you sacrifice?)

Setup: Janus steals from Adam and crosses into the underworld.

Payoff 1: Adam kills the part of himself that cares for Janus. (Adam sacrifices his love)

Payoff 2: Adam manipulates his followers against Janus.

Payoff 3: Adam sets up a trap and destroys Janus’ body by sending a force into the underworld. (Adam sacrifices peace)

Payoff 4: Adam sets up a trap to destroy Janus’ soul by turning Copy against Janus.

Payoff 5: Adam kills the part of himself that’s loyal to his progeny and one of his children. (Adam sacrifices his creation)

Payoff 6: Adam possesses all of his followers to stop Janus, destroying the world he created. (Adam sacrifices his world)

Escalating Trials

SP CHAIN 6: Will Janus and Copy make it through the Underworld? (Mini-movie/It can’t get any worse…right?)

Setup: The underworld is said to be dangerous.

Payoff 1: Janus and Copy are faced off with a cyborg reaper/Cerberus and barely survive.

Payoff 2: Janus and Copy are captured by cyborg slavers.

Payoff 3: Janus and Copy run against their will.

Payoff 4: Adam’s sentries arrive and destroy Janus. (No, they will not make it alone.)

SP CHAIN 7: Who is the mute? (World-building/I am your only hope.)

Setup: Janus and Copy are surrounded by hostile cyborgs and other underworlders, but one of them, a mute, makes a deal with them.

Payoff 1: Janus is able to get the mute his augmentation, a voice that hacks robots.

Payoff 2: The mute is Calvex, a shepherd from the lowest floors, and agrees to guide Janus and Copy through the rest of the underworld. (They will make it through the underworld only with the help of a guide.)

SP CHAIN 8: How will Copy hurt Janus and how will Janus deal with Copy? (We are our own worst enemy sometimes)

Setup: Copy yells at Janus for having a get out jail free card with her ability to reincarnate at will.

Payoff 1: Copy agrees to work with Adam so Janus can face justice.

Payoff 2: Copy calls Janus’ ability to complete her quest into question when Janus is unsuccessful in protecting underworlders.

Payoff 3: Copy springs trap on Janus and tries to kill her.

Payoff 4: Copy merges with Janus after Janus heals her and herself.

Mini-Movies

SP CHAIN 9: How will Janus defeat Adam to resurrect both Calvex and Pan? (Third Act Mini-Movie/Bring the point full circle)

Setup: Adam advises he will not allow Janus to progress further, and will simply start over with his world.

Payoff 1: Janus recruits the underworld to fight Adam.

Setup 2: Adam possesses all of his followers, effectively killing all of them.

Payoff 2: Janus and the underworld fight Adam, and lose.

Setup 3: Janus sacrifices her body to face Adam in cyberspace.

Payoff 3: Adam splits and copies himself to kill Janus, who helps to heal one of the Adam copy’s code and merge the Adams like she was able to with her Copy.

SP CHAIN 10: Will Calvex survive the Lightning Run? (Mini-Movie)

Setup: Calvex is placed in a race/execution.

Payoff 1: Calvex is saved by Janus. (She has muscle where Calvex has know how)

Outline:

INT. RUINED LOBBY

We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s a dark, maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, along with what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other.

CONT.

There, a child, Pan, hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of his parents.

CONT.

Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves Pan from the killer robot, by taking control of the robot and having it kill itself. Janus appears mournful, praying over the robot for it to have a safe passage into its next life.

(Visual Note: Possessing means she not only hacks the machine, but penetrates it and wraps the armor of the robot around her, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.)

CONT.

Janus discovers Pan is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. Pan says he’s from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked.

INT. ELEVATOR / TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life

INT. TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Pan meets Adam, who agrees to give Pan access to the afterlife, so long as Pan agree that his data (soul) belong to him. Pan accepts this.

INT. VOID

Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into a virtual meeting, recounts the story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world and protect his people from those in the underworld who rejected Adam’s promise of immortality.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld: the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

CONT.

Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

INT. TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself, using Pan as a test subject. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told that duplicating herself would bring a permanent end to the host, Pan, in a world where death should be impossible.

INT. JANUS’ ROOM

Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring Pan back to life. She makes a plan with her Copy to resurrect Pan.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was Pan’s body, hoping the combination of latent data within his body and Adam’s code will bring Pan back to life again, essentially rewriting the information that once made up the consciousness of Pan.

INT. TOP FLOOR MAINFRAME

Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library and steals the code.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus and Copy evade Janus’ siblings on their way down the first 9 floors, refusing to fight them, while the siblings try to stop Janus.

INT. LOBBY

Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

INT. LOBBY

Janus apologizes to Adam, promising to return as soon as she brings Pan back. Janus and her Copy then cross into the Underworld, taking a risk based on Janus’ own developing morality, instead of opting for the easy way offered by her creator.

INT. VOID

Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

INT. PENTHOUSE

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by his creator long ago. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny, who’s quest is an affront to Adam’s control of his world. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

INT. HIDEOUT

Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SECOND FLOOR

Copy guilts Janus and takes the lead.

CONT.

Janus and Copy confront cyborg slavers and are captured. Copy questions Janus’ motives and leadership, and the schism between the two first appears.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PRISON CELLS

Janus and Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide them through the underworld, if they can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.” Copy doesn’t agree with this plan, as Calvex is an underworlder, and aligning with him would contradict their faith in Adam. “Two wrongs can’t make a right.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “Voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

CONT.

Janus secures the Voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

CONT.

Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Copy resists Janus’ control and pursuit to give Calvex his voice.

CONT.

Janus forced Copy to give Calvex his voice, which allows him to help the two fight through the mayhem, recovering one of Janus’ arms that was torn off, by gaining control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with the two Januses.

INT. PENTHOUSE

Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed.

CONT.

One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

INT. UNDERWORLD – FIFTH FLOOR

Copy makes a point to Janus that the path she’s on, first leaving the upper floors, then aligning with an Underworlder, and lastly cheating death is a denial of the justice she’s due, and questions whether Janus’ quest to resurrect Pan is actually good for Pan or if it’s just a way for Janus to feel better about herself.

CONT.

Adam links a conversation between Janus and the citizens she once defended. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

CONT.

Copy reaches out to Adam while Janus and Calvex are asleep, and asks if she may be invited to bring justice to Janus. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy. However, Janus’ will is too strong for Copy to easily win, and a trap will need to be set for Copy’s victory to be assured.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex.

CONT.

The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies again. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SIXTH FLOOR – SHEPHERDING GROUNDS

Cavlex takes the original Janus to his shepherding flock to show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before, and that his people are worth fighting for as well. This is also where his voice is on display and where he shows her how to use her possession technology in the same way as his voice. When Janus questions whether Calvex, an underworlder, is worth listening to, Calvex reassures her quest.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Copy stays with the village to guard it, and allows the village to be attacked by Adam’s Guardian Angels.

CONT.

Copy hides with another child and gaslights her as her village is being attacked.

CONT.

Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. Copy pretends to join them and blames Janus for abandoning her and the villagers, just like she abandoned Pan.

INT. UNDERWORLD – EIGHT AND NINTH FLOORS – CONT.

Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Adam and Copy snap the trap, playing a trick on Janus by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy, and preventing the resurrection of Pan. Janus is mentally broken.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

The Copy attacks Janus. Janus holds her own to defend Calvex, but her copy begins to duplicate herself amongst the dead robots and overwhelm Janus. Meanwhile, Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is about to be killed by her dark side.

CONT.

Calvex is able to save Janus at the last moment, but at the cost of his own life.

CONT.

Janus, influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol. But a firewall created by Adam prevents her from resurrecting her friend. If Calvex is to be brought back to life, Janus must eliminate her creator, Adam.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

INT. TOP FLOOR – PENTHOUSE

Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE – COMMS ROOM

He threatens Janus he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – MULTIPLE FLOORS

Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam.

INT. STAIRWELL

Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 upper floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

INT. VENTS

Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept.

INT. TOP FLOOR – ENTRANCE

Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

INT. TOP FLOOR – MAINFRAME

Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Adam reveals to Janus that in order to kill him, she would have to erase her and her siblings’ code as well, since all of their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s been contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

CONT.

Janus chooses a third path upon recognizing her code is intertwined with his. She instead shares her code with Adam’s broken code, and helps him to self-actualize.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Pan is resurrected, along with Calvex.

INT/EXT. TOWER – METROPOLIS

The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is simply one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Pass #6: Subplots with Meaning

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…First, to watch a movie and look for the skills used in reference to the assignment. For this one, I watched PREDATOR, and searched for the subplots in that film. I picked PREDATOR because I hadn’t seen it yet, and because I was at least aware it was a contained movie, meaning the opportunity for subplots would be more restricted. This was helpful as it showed another way subplot could be used through the previous mission plot line, where we see a squad of green berets that were skinned and left hanging. They’re brought up a handful more times throughout the story as an ominous message of what’s to face our protagonist. It’s extremely simple compared to what the lesson referenced in UNFORGIVEN, but it showed what you can do with just a little. There’re a couple of others that add a touch of flavor to the characters and the overall story, but the Green Berets had a different feel. Also, the other thing I’ve learned doing this assignment is how to expand concepts from the previous assignments (notably Theme and Action/Reaction) through creating subplots. My concept OPEN WIDE especially benefited from this in making the world feel more real, and really taking the simple relationship between a father and son and showing how society is included in that same relationship of using force versus communication and respect with getting to an end result. In addition, it helped another logic problem with POSSESSING EDEN, as well as made the relationship between The Dad and The Kid in GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP much more interesting, as it gives them something to both fight about and relate to throughout the narrative.

OPEN WIDE

Subplot #1: The Parent and the infected child (What will happen to Sully and Isaiah if they escape off world?)

Beginning (Setup) – Parents and teenage boy are hustled into bunker. Something’s suspicious about them, but the parents insist and are allowed in with their child.

Middle (Tie In/Question to Protagonist) – Teenager’s mouth opens wide enough to break the jaw and tear the lining of his outer mouth, as he’s coughing and vomiting up blood.

End (Payoff/Warning to Protagonist) – The next time we see the family, it’s when Sully infiltrates the bunker, and everyone’s infected and blood thirsty.

Subplot #2: The Conscripts (Edicts are the answer)

Beginning (Setup) – Passengers aboard a spaceship on their way to another colony are woken up by an alert. Their voyage is redirected to Sully’s colony to contain the parasites.

Middle (Tie In/Question to Protagonist) – The civilian passengers don’t want to be conscripted to fight aliens, and a handful of them protest.

End (Payoff/Warning to Protagonist) – The protestors are publicly executed, and the remaining passengers are warned they can die now, or fight the aliens to contain the spread and possibly survive.

Subplot #3: Disregarded Warnings

Beginning (Setup): Sully finds another resident who didn’t make it to the bunker.

Middle (Tie in/Question to Protagonist): Other resident was a spy, performing coverup operations before getting infected. He was responsible for covering up the Hegemony’s involvement with the alien outbreaks.

End (Payoff/Warning to Protagonist) – The Spy reveals he didn’t make it to the bunker because he’s been infected, and has to die for the sake of containing the spread. He tells Sully no one’s getting out of the colony alive.

Plot in Structure:

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible, until Sully explodes on the child.

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah, who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

(Establish the Ordinary World) Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers.

CONT.

(Theme Stated) Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully pushes him away, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do.

CONT.

(Set Up) Isaiah plays pranks on his dad, eventually putting the construction site at risk, and nearly hurting a number of workers.

CONT.

(Call to Adventure and the Denial of that Call) Sully explodes on Isaiah in front of everyone. Isaiah runs away.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

(Meeting with the Mentor) Sully talks with his boss in a meeting about his son, promising to get his son under control.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child before the bunker closes shut.

CONT.

(Catalyst) Alarm goes off warning of Aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Debate) Sully searches for his son high and low, but each time he gets close, Isaiah runs away. Sully promises reward for Isaiah, who ignores the temptation.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Acceptance of the Call) Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding by apologizing for his earlier outburst, and they both run to the bunker.

INT. BUNKER – DAY

Teenager gets very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully and his son have to find a way to survive together.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully picks up Isaiah and runs with him, but Isaiah wants to run on his own. Sully resists this, promising Isaiah can run to his hearts content in the Bunker.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully joins up with a mysterious man who also didn’t make it to the bunker, and must fight off hostile aliens.

CONT.

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor sacrifice) Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. It’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Sully physically restrains Isaiah, who doesn’t want to be carried anymore. An alien host pursues them.

CONT.

Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

CONT.

More aliens pursue them. Another man who didn’t make it to the bunker offers aid.

CONT.

The mysterious man takes Sully and Isaiah to another room where he believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

CONT.

Isaiah starts kicking and screaming, drawing the attention of aliens and alien hosts.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully pins Isaiah to the floor behind a counter and covers his mouth, begging him to stay quiet while he drags him to a corner room. Isaiah starts hitting and crying.

CONT.

Aliens rush in.

CONT.

Sully locks door to corner room and mysterious man goes to work crafting a weapon, while Isaiah yells at Sully.

CONT.

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate sacrifice) Mysterious man teaches Sully to makeshift a weapon, and the two fight off the first wave of hostile aliens. Isaiah wants to help, but Sully refuses harshly.

CONT.

In retaliation, Isaiah picks up a weapon. Sully tries to get the weapon back, but Isaiah swings the weapon at him. Sully threatens Isaiah, which leads to Isaiah giving up the weapon.

CONT.

Sully and mysterious man fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Mysterious Man introduces himself as an agent for the Hegemony, and warns that they’re going to die, regardless of what they do.

INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS

A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.

INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL

The passenger learns with the rest of the ship that they’re voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an alien parasite outbreak.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy helped them if he’s with the Hegemony and they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that he’s making peace with GOD, as he was there to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round. The passenger we’ve followed takes a stand, and other passengers join in the protest.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully asks why the spy isn’t in the bunker, and the spy finally reveals that he’s infected, and can’t sabotage the sanctity of the bunker. The spy takes a lethal injection that kills him.

INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER

The protestors are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(Reaping the reward) Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) Sully discovers he wasn’t the only one who found a way into the bunker when all of the residents are found to be infected, including the teenager and his family.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment, and the two escape through the vents.

INT. VENTS

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. Sully drags Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go.

CONT.

(Securing the Macguffin or Refusing Temptation) The two come across an alien spore launcher that infects Isaiah.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Dad asks Isaiah why he ever left the safety of the closet he was locked in. Isaiah cries and hits himself.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

(Bad Guys Close In) Times up. The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(All is Lost) Sully carries Isaiah to another room before Liquidators burst into the room they were just in. Isaiah starts to cough

CONT.

Sully tells Isaiah to resist the need to cough, but he can’t help it, drawing the attention of more aliens to kill, along with liquidators. Sully tries covering Isaiah’s mouth with a rag and searches for cough suppressants, but the coughing gets worse.

CONT.

(Dark Night of the Soul) Sully apologizes to his son, who’s trying his best to resist the need to cough, while the two are surrounded by aliens and liquidators alike.

CONT.

(Prepare for Battle/Macguffin comes into play) Sully asks his son for help to sneak the both of them into the Liquidator’s ship to get to a medical bay.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS) – NIGHT

(Execution of Plan A) Isaiah sneaks Sully around the carnage surrounding them.

CONT.

Liquidators break through one wall, finding the two. Sully and Isaiah make a break for it, narrowly escaping.

CONT.

Liquidators pursue, but Sully releases one of the Aliens he locked up earlier.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

(False Victory) Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship! They immediately go into hiding again.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

(Falling into the Trap) Sully and Isaiah are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. Liquidators swarm in force.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Sully and Isaiah evade and run like hell to the Medical Bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Sully gets as many supplies out as he can.

CONT.

Isaiah asks how he can help, and Sully describes what he’s looking for.

CONT.

Sully finds everything he needs, but before he can operate, Isaiah demands that he be the one to give the instructions.

CONT.

(Final Battle/Greatest Sacrifice) Sully complies, giving Isaiah pointers on what instructions to give Sully, and the two work together to extract the alien eggs in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch.

CONT.

Sully kills the hatching eggs.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

(Self-Revelation/Realizing or Damning the Soul) Sully saves his son, with his son’s help, just in time.

(Closing Image) Father and Son embracing.

POSSESSING EDEN

Subplot #1: Adam’s Copies

Beginning (Setup) – Adam duplicates himself, just like we saw Janus do, but because he’s not in a physical form, he doesn’t need a host body. The two sides argue with one another over how best to handle Janus leaving. The more vengeful copy kills the more merciful copy.

Middle (Tie In/Question to Protagonist) – Adam duplicates himself again, this time with one of his children in the same room. Again, one of the duplicates dominates and kills the other along with the progeny.

End (Payoff/Warning to Protagonist) – Adam duplicates himself a third time to kill Janus. After Janus is able to heal and merge with her copy, however, she helps one of Adam’s duplicates to heal and merge with Adam, ending the self destructive cycle.

Subplot #2: Calvex the Shepherd (Teaching Janus how to heal)

Beginning (Setup) – Calvex the Mute unleashes his power in the form of an augmented voice box, which controls the machines in the underworld, similar to the power Janus has in the form of possession.

Middle (Tie In/Question to Protagonist) – Calvex’s ability to hack is different from Janus’ and is revealed through action. Where Janus outright takes over the host, and even wraps their body around her as a shield, Calvex’s voice affectively provides code for the robot to accept and repair themselves with, creating a mutual bond between shepherd and machine.

End (Payoff/Warning to Protagonist) – Calvex’s voice is unable to work on Copy, and he ultimately dies without helping Copy or Janus heal their code, implying the host has to be accepting of change and growth in order to heal damaged code. This will be Janus’ fight with herself (learning to be willing to heal herself) then again with Adam who’s code is so damaged over repeated killings of his duplicates, he may be too far gone to accept change.

Plot in Structure:

1. (Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy, Pan, from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

INT. RUINED LOBBY

We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s a dark, maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, along with what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child, Pan, hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of his parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves Pan from the killer robot.

Note-Possessing means she not only hacks the machine, but penetrates it and wraps the armor of the robot around her, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

CONT.

Pan is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. Pan is from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked.

INT. ELEVATOR / TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

INT. VOID

Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into a virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld: the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

CONT.

Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is taught to create a copy of herself under his guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, she also kills Pan, whose body was needed to create the copy.

INT. TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told that duplicating herself would bring a permanent end to the host, Pan, in a world where death should be impossible.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, plans to steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

INT. JANUS’ ROOM

Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring Pan back to life. She makes a plan with her Copy to resurrect Pan.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent data within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the information that once made up the consciousness of the individual.

INT. TOP FLOOR MAINFRAME

Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus and Copy evade Janus’ siblings on their way down the first 9 floors, refusing to fight them.

INT. LOBBY

Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus rejects Adam’s offer of absolution, which is just erasing people’s memories, and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld, which prompts Adam to split into multiple versions of himself who all fight each other for supremacy, with the most vengeful of Adam’s copies winning and setting his sights on destroying his own creation.

INT. LOBBY

Janus apologizes to Adam, promising to return as soon as she brings Pan back. Janus and her Copy then cross into the Underworld, taking a risk based on Janus’ own developing morality, instead of opting for the easy way offered by her creator.

INT. VOID

Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

INT. PENTHOUSE

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by his creator long ago. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

INT. HIDEOUT

Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SECOND FLOOR

Copy guilts Janus and takes the lead.

CONT.

Janus and Copy confront cyborg slavers and are captured. Copy questions Janus’ motives and leadership, and the schism between the two first appears.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PRISON CELLS

Janus and Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide them through the underworld, if they can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.” Copy doesn’t agree with this plan, as Calvex is an underworlder, and aligning with him would contradict their faith in Adam. “Two wrongs can’t make a right.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “Voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

CONT.

Janus secures the Voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

CONT.

Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

5. Mid-Point – After Janus cheats death and joins forces with Calvex, a guide to the underworld, Copy, who wants Janus to see justice for her actions, makes a plan with Adam to set a trap.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Copy resists Janus’ control and pursuit to give Calvex his voice.

CONT.

Janus forced Copy to give Calvex his voice, which allows him to help the two fight through the mayhem, recovering one of Janus’ arms that was torn off, by gaining control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with the two Januses.

INT. PENTHOUSE

Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed.

CONT.

One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

INT. UNDERWORLD – FIFTH FLOOR

Copy makes a point to Janus that the path she’s on, first leaving the upper floors, then aligning with an Underworlder, and lastly cheating death is a denial of the justice she’s due, and questions whether Janus’ quest to resurrect Pan is actually good for Pan or if it’s just a way for Janus to feel better about herself.

CONT.

Adam links a conversation between Janus and the citizens she once defended. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

CONT.

Copy reaches out to Adam while Janus and Calvex are asleep, and asks if she may be invited to bring justice to Janus. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy. However, Janus’ will is too strong for Copy to easily win, and a trap will need to be set for Copy’s victory to be assured.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex.

CONT.

The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies again. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SIXTH FLOOR – SHEPHERDING GROUNDS

Cavlex takes the original Janus to his shepherding flock to show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before, and that his people are worth fighting for as well. This is also where his voice is on display and where he shows her how to use her possession technology in the same way as his voice. When Janus questions whether Calvex, an underworlder, is worth listening to, Calvex reassures her quest.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Copy stays with the village to guard it, and allows the village to be attacked by Adam’s Guardian Angels.

CONT.

Copy hides with another child and gaslights her as her village is being attacked.

CONT.

Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. Copy pretends to join them and blames Janus for abandoning her and the villagers, just like she abandoned Pan.

INT. UNDERWORLD – EIGHT AND NINTH FLOORS – CONT.

Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Adam and Copy snap the trap, playing a trick on Janus by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy, and preventing the resurrection of Pan. Janus is mentally broken.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but the trap laid earlier springs, and Copy ties to kill her counterpart; but when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

The Copy attacks Janus. Janus holds her own to defend Calvex, but her copy begins to duplicate herself amongst the dead robots and overwhelm Janus. Meanwhile, Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is about to be killed by her dark side.

CONT.

Calvex is able to save Janus at the last moment, but at the cost of his own life.

CONT.

Janus, influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol to bring him back, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation, and declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol. But a firewall created by Adam prevents her from resurrecting her friend. If Calvex is to be brought back to life, Janus must eliminate her creator, Adam.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

INT. TOP FLOOR – PENTHOUSE

Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE – COMMS ROOM

He threatens Janus he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and both defeats Adam and resurrects Pan.

INT. UNDERWORLD – MULTIPLE FLOORS

Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam.

INT. STAIRWELL

Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 upper floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

INT. VENTS

Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept.

INT. TOP FLOOR – ENTRANCE

Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

INT. TOP FLOOR – MAINFRAME

Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Adam reveals to Janus that in order to kill him, she would have to erase her and her siblings’ code as well, since all of their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s been contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

CONT.

Janus chooses a third path upon recognizing her code is intertwined with his. She instead shares her code with Adam’s broken code, and helps him to self-actualize.

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, allowing Calvex, Pan and the others living there to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Pan is resurrected, along with Calvex.

INT/EXT. TOWER – METROPOLIS

The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is simply one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

Subplot #1: Dad, the retired car thief (Like Father, like Daughter or What happens when you try to run from your problems)

Beginning (Setup) – When the daughter runs from the cops with her dad in the car, Dad hits the breaks, which causes the daughter to pull a maneuver to get her dad off of the breaks, but the dad responds with some driving skills the daughter didn’t know he had. As the two fight for control of the wheel, it’s clear the dad is as skilled a driver as the daughter.

Middle (Tie In/Question to Protagonist) – The dad learns that his daughter commits grand theft auto for a mob boss, the same boss the dad once knew and worked with when he was younger. He escaped from a life of crime and owning up to his past by laying low and safe, only for his daughter to uncover it all by making the same choices he made when he was young. The Dad tries to set his daughter up to hide away, but the Kid resists, first believing times are different than when The Dad ran from the law, and then wanting to get back at The Boss, when he sends a hitman to take her out.

End (Payoff/Warning to Protagonist) – The Dad is finally killed by his former partner.

Subplot #2: The Lieutenant (What happens when you can’t let go or Generational obsession)

Beginning (Setup) – The Lieutenant works on an investigation into a string of car thefts, just like his father and his father’s father. He comes from a line of cops who were absent from their families, obsessed with bring down different criminal underground rings. The Lieutenant talks about this in a marriage counseling session, where his wife and he are having issues due to his lack of involvement or interest in anything but succeeding where the previous generations succeeded.

Middle (Tie In/Question to Protagonist) – The Lieutenant purposefully misses an appointment and ignores his wife’s call while he works the case, affectively pushing his family away just as his father did.

End (Payoff/Warning to Protagonist) – The wife moves out with the kids, leaving The Lieutenant alone in his own house, just like what happened with his dad.

Plot in Structure:

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Lamborghini Countach and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s house.

INT. GARAGE – LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Kid’s bright eyes, reflecting her innocence and immaturity. She hot wires the car to take it for a spin.

INT. GARAGE – NIGHT

(Establish the Ordinary World) Kid takes the car out slow at first.

EXT. GARAGE / GATE – NIGHT

Kid gets the car as far as the gate of a luxurious estate. She gets caught by the guard, but escapes anyway.

EXT. STREETS – NIGHT

Kid joyrides like it’s a video game, evading cops along the way.

EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Kid parks the car and jumps the fence. Cops swarm neighbor’s house.

EXT. BACKYARDS – NIGHT

Kid parkours across neighbor’s yards.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Kid hot-wires a sedan. Pulls out of the driveway.

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Kid parks the sedan in a parking lot adjacent with another neighbor’s fence.

EXT. HOME BACKYARD / KID’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Follow Kid to their home, a couple houses down from the parking lot.

INT. HOME – NIGHT

Kid sneaks into the house, undetected. She got away with everything…for now.

INT. HOME – DAY

(Theme Stated) Kid goes downstairs in a JROTC uniform. Dad and Kid talk about college choices and a minor speeding ticket – Kid isn’t involved much in the conversation as Dad recounts a story of when he was her age and hid from his parents that he got a speeding ticket, and what kind of trouble he found himself in when they found out. Dad requires Kid to go through a defensive driving course with him.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Set Up) Kid and Dad get into an embarrassing car. Dad tells Kid how to do everything, even though we know Kid can handle a vehicle just fine.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

Kid is identified by a cop based on a camera image from the previous night. Lights go up.

CONT.

Dad tells Kid to pull over. Kid pulls over.

CONT.

Backups arrive suddenly. Cops all get out and draw weapons, making demands to “get out of the car with your hands up!”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement, with the dad left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Call to Adventure and Denial of that Call) Kid makes a split decision, showing her dad that she’s a devil behind the wheel.

CONT.

Dad tries to stop her, and the two fight for control of the vehicle. Dad also reveals that he’s no slouch behind the wheel like The Kid assumed.

CONT.

The Kid wins out and gets away from the cops.

CONT.

(Meeting with the Mentor) Kid confesses to Dad. Kid – “It’s not my fault.” Dad – “Where did I go wrong?” Showing difference in mindset between the two and what each has to figure out for the story.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant works on a case involving The Boss. Catches word of the Kid and requests a profile on her, before he gets a ring notifying him he’s late for a counseling session.

INT. COUNSELOR’S OFFICE – DAY

The Lieutenant and his wife sit next to each other on a couch. The therapist asks questions to help the two resolve their marital issues, and we learn that The Lieutenant’s father was obsessed with his work in solving a big case, and that it lead to him leaving him and his family.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The Dad chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops, so that he can mend the relationship he didn’t know was broken.

EXT. GAS STATION – DAY

(Catalyst) Car is almost out of gas/Kid is forced to finally stop at a gas station. Mom calls Dad and reveals the two are on TV and wanted, wants to know what’s going on.

INT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Debate) Dad discusses with mom whether to turn in daughter or not, and reveals he has to get her in hiding because of he knows whom she worked for.

CONT.

(Acceptance of the Call) Dad hangs up, and explains to the Kid that he used to steal cars in his youth, and that the Boss she worked for was an old partner of his, and that she has to go into hiding, just like he did.

INT. MOB BOSS’ OFFICE – DAY

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor Sacrifice) Kid and Dad appear on TV. Gate Guard confirms that the Kid on TV is the same one that stole the Mob Boss’ prized Countach, and that The Dad is his old partner. It’s personal, as he sends a crew to pick them up.

EXT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER – DAY

Kid parks wanted car in lot behind diner.

INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Kid takes Dad to a fence next door to the diner they used to frequent when they were younger. The fence hooks them up with disguises and helps them pickpocket the car keys off a patron.

CONT.

Kid and Dad get dressed in new clothes and disguises.

CONT.

Dad reminisces about diner being a favorite of theirs growing up. The two argue about hiding versus going to The Boss for help. The Kid thinks her Boss will help them, while The Dad knows better.

EXT/INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL-DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate Sacrifice) Lieutenant catches up with Kid and Dad, wanting to ask some questions. The Kid is able to hide and escape, while the Dad speaks with the Lieutenant. Kid catches sight of her crew entering the building, and cops on the outside.

CONT.

Kid goes to join her crew, but Dad catches her and tries to run away with her.

CONT.

Kid grabs Dad and avoids the crossfire between The Crew and the cops on their way out of the diner.

CONT.

(Reaping the Reward) Kid pulls out in someone’s Civic Type-R, outrunning everyone.

CONT.

The Dad and The Kid argue about hiding versus going to The Boss, this time with The Kid arguing they should go after The Boss. The Dad convinces The Kid to drive outside of town.

5. Mid-Point – The Boss puts a hit on The Kid and The Dad.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

The fence is brought in for questioning and killed by the Mob Boss.

CONT.

Boss sets up a bounty on the Kid and the Dad, meeting with a hitman.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant tries every piece of evidence to find his leads, getting another phone call advising he’s late for a counseling session. He hangs up.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Kid and Dad flee to the Kid’s old school outside of town to hide out.

CONT.

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) “This is where it happened.” Kid reveals to Dad she was abused at school by classmates while teachers and admins looked the other way.

CONT.

(Securing the Maguffin or Refusing Temptation) Dad and Kid connect on the need to control their lives to avoid previous tragedy. New memory is made.

CONT.

(Bad Guys Close In) Hitman and Cops close in when Janitor sees the Kid and Dad and calls them in.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the hitman.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(All is Lost) Dad gets shot in the crossfire between the cops and Lieutenant and the hitman.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

INT/EXT. CIVIC TYPE-R – NIGHT

Kid tries running, but Hitman catches up. Kid hits the Hitman with the tail of her car and launches him into the side of the school, killing him.

CONT.

(Dark Night of the Soul) Kid takes Dad to Hospital.

EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Arrive at Hospital. Kid tends to Dad while doctors try to save him.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid cuts a deal with the Lieutenant and goes after The Boss.

INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT

Kid watches as her Dad dies. She runs out of the hospital and drives away.

EXT. INTERSTATE – NIGHT

(Prepare for Battle/Maguffin comes into Play) Kid calls 9-1-1 and demands to speak with the Lieutenant. She promises to turn herself in if she can go after the Mob with him.

INT. LIEUTENANT’S HOME – NIGHT

Kid gets ahold of Lieutenant who’s heartbroken. Reveals his family left him, and he doesn’t have the same fight in him as before. Kid gives address and says she’s going after The Boss, regardless.

INT/EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

(Execution of Plan A) Kid goes after the Mob.

CONT.

(False Victory) Kid makes it to warehouse, and starts creating chaos.

CONT.

(Falling into the Trap) Kid falls into trap set by Mob boss. Has to escape.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Mob Boss is a better driver than even the Kid. Runs her down and cripples her, requiring her to drive with one hand.

CONT.

Cops and Lieutenant arrive and save the Kid before she’s killed. They search the premises for her and come across evidence of Mob’s efforts.

CONT.

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) Kid is more reckless than Mob Boss, and gets the upper hand.

CONT.

Kid and Boss race. Kid wins.

9. Resolution – The Kid sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory by becoming a stunt driving instructor.

EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Kid accepts the handcuffs. Goes willingly with cops.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant makes a deal with the Kid to help him with more Grand Theft Auto Cases in exchange for less jail time.

EXT. DRIVING LOT

Kid’s eyes, now years older, looking over a lot where she helps teens, including her own, through driving courses.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Pass #5: Action / Reaction

What I learned doing this assignment is…just how many story beats of Action/Reaction can be in a film. Before I started listing any for my concepts, I watched THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE with my son and tried adding what I thought were the Action/Reaction beats of the movie, as well as the emotional moments, in order to get an idea of what target I should shoot for. Man alive, there were a number of turns that kept the movie moving at a brisk pace. I counted 19 Action/Reaction beats, but I’m sure there’re a few more I missed or could’ve added. Still, somewhere around that mark or above was the goal, and it really helped me flesh out more of the conflict throughout the story, and identify one area that needs work with GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP. I’m hoping to work on that one more with the help of my wife, as she can help me to discover more details with a Daddy/Daughter relationship. Naturally, this has been a blind spot for me with the story, and I’m hoping to add more depth to this relationship/conflict to really make it something special.

OPEN WIDE

Concept: A parent who struggles to communicate with his out-of-control child must protect their child from an outbreak of parasitic aliens and get off world in order to save their child when the child gets infected.

Protagonist Goal: To survive and save child from being a victim of carnivorous aliens.

Protagonist Character Arc: From seeing his son as an obstacle or impediment to seeing his son as a contributor.

Main Conflict: The aliens, Isaiah, and the Liquidators.

Emotional Moments (List of Sacrifices in Ascending Order of Magnitude): Sully pushes his son away; Isaiah feels rejected and tries to get back at his Dad. Sully explodes on a scared Isaiah, causing Isaiah to recoil. Sully apologizes and connects with his son when he has to. Isaiah simply refuses being forced to do anything, even when his life is at stake. Sully holding his kid down and eventually locking him up. Isaiah getting infected. Sully mournful with his son and desperate for help. Isaiah leading Sully. Father and Son working together to save each other.

Plot in Structure:

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible, until Sully explodes on the child.

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah, who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

(Establish the Ordinary World) Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers.

CONT.

(Theme Stated) Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully pushes him away, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do.

CONT.

(Set Up) Isaiah plays pranks on his dad, eventually putting the construction site at risk, and nearly hurting a number of workers.

CONT.

(Call to Adventure and the Denial of that Call) Sully explodes on Isaiah in front of everyone. Isaiah runs away.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

(Meeting with the Mentor) Sully talks with his boss in a meeting about his son, promising to get his son under control.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child before the bunker closes shut.

CONT.

(Catalyst) Alarm goes off warning of Aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Debate) Sully searches for his son high and low, but each time he gets close, Isaiah runs away. Sully promises reward for Isaiah, who ignores the temptation.

CONT.

(Acceptance of the Call) Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding by apologizing for his earlier outburst, and they both run to the bunker.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully starts coming up with a plan for him and his son to survive and find a way inside the sealed bunker.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Sully picks up Isaiah and runs with him, but Isaiah wants to run on his own. Sully resists this, promising Isaiah can run to his hearts content in the Bunker.

CONT.

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor sacrifice) Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. It’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Sully physically restrains Isaiah, who doesn’t want to be carried anymore. An alien host pursues them.

CONT.

Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.

CONT.

Sully takes the both of them to another room where he believes he can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

CONT.

Isaiah starts kicking and screaming, drawing the attention of aliens and alien hosts.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Sully pins Isaiah to the floor behind a counter and covers his mouth, begging him to stay quiet while he drags him to a corner room. Isaiah starts hitting and crying.

CONT.

Aliens rush in.

CONT.

Sully locks door to corner room and goes to work crafting a weapon, while Isaiah yells at him.

CONT.

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate sacrifice) Sully fights off the first wave of hostile aliens. Isaiah wants to help, but Sully refuses harshly.

CONT.

In retaliation, Isaiah picks up a weapon. Sully tries to get the weapon back, but Isaiah swings the weapon at him. Sully threatens Isaiah, which leads to Isaiah giving up the weapon.

CONT.

Sully fortifies apartment single-handedly, while Isaiah sulks in the corner.

CONT.

(Reaping the reward) Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) Sully discovers he wasn’t the only one who found a way into the bunker when all of the residents are found to be infected.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment, and the two escape through the vents.

INT. VENTS

Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. Sully drags Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go.

CONT.

(Securing the Macguffin or Refusing Temptation) The two come across an alien spore launcher that infects Isaiah.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Dad asks Isaiah why he ever left the safety of the closet he was locked in. Isaiah cries and hits himself.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

(Bad Guys Close In) Times up. The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(All is Lost) Sully carries Isaiah to another room before Liquidators burst into the room they were just in. Isaiah starts to cough

CONT.

Sully tells Isaiah to resist the need to cough, but he can’t help it, drawing the attention of more aliens to kill, along with liquidators. Sully tries covering Isaiah’s mouth with a rag and searches for cough suppressants, but the coughing gets worse.

CONT.

(Dark Night of the Soul) Sully apologizes to his son, who’s trying his best to resist the need to cough, while the two are surrounded by aliens and liquidators alike.

CONT.

(Prepare for Battle/Macguffin comes into play) Sully asks his son for help to sneak the both of them into the Liquidator’s ship to get to a medical bay.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS) – NIGHT

(Execution of Plan A) Isaiah sneaks Sully around the carnage surrounding them.

CONT.

Liquidators break through one wall, finding the two. Sully and Isaiah make a break for it, narrowly escaping.

CONT.

Liquidators pursue, but Sully releases one of the Aliens he locked up earlier.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

(False Victory) Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship! They immediately go into hiding again.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

(Falling into the Trap) Sully and Isaiah are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. Liquidators swarm in force.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Sully and Isaiah evade and run like hell to the Medical Bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Sully gets as many supplies out as he can.

CONT.

Isaiah asks how he can help, and Sully describes what he’s looking for.

CONT.

Sully finds everything he needs, but before he can operate, Isaiah demands that he be the one to give the instructions.

CONT.

(Final Battle/Greatest Sacrifice) Sully complies, giving Isaiah pointers on what instructions to give Sully, and the two work together to extract the alien eggs in Isaiah’s chest.

CONT.

The extracted eggs start to hatch.

CONT.

Sully kills the hatching eggs.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

(Self-Revelation/Realizing or Damning the Soul) Sully saves his son, with his son’s help, just in time.

(Closing Image) Father and Son embracing.

POSSESSING EDEN

Concept: An android in search of redemption will defy her creator by stealing the code to creating life in an effort to bring the person she killed back to life.

Protagonist Goal: To bring Pan back to life.

Protagonist Character Arc: From allowing self-destructive guilt and faith to harm her to confidently charting her own path on healing through forgiveness and empathy.

Main Conflict: Adam’s armies, Copy’s ridicule, the Underworld’s horrors, Copy’s attacks, her siblings assaults, and eventually Adam himself.

Emotional Moments (List of Sacrifices in Ascending Order of Magnitude): Bringing Pan to the Upper floors. Creating Copy and finding out after what sacrifice was required. Making the decision to bring Pan back. Turning against her creator. Copy’s manipulations. Reincarnating the first time. Facing the citizens. Out with Calvex. Blame from Copy. Copy’s attack/healing. Deciding to fight her creator. Healing her creator.

Plot in Structure:

1. (Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy, Pan, from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

INT. RUINED LOBBY

We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s a dark, maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, along with what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child, Pan, hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of his parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves Pan from the killer robot.

Note-Possessing means she not only hacks the machine, but penetrates it and wraps the armor of the robot around her, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

CONT.

Pan is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. Pan is from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked.

INT. ELEVATOR / TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

INT. VOID

Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into a virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld: the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

CONT.

Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is taught to create a copy of herself under his guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, she also kills Pan, whose body was needed to create the copy.

INT. TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told that duplicating herself would bring a permanent end to the host, Pan, in a world where death should be impossible.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, plans to steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

INT. JANUS’ ROOM

Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring Pan back to life. She makes a plan with her Copy to resurrect Pan.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent data within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the information that once made up the consciousness of the individual.

INT. TOP FLOOR MAINFRAME

Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus and Copy evade Janus’ siblings on their way down the first 9 floors, refusing to fight them.

INT. LOBBY

Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus rejects Adam’s offer of absolution, which is just erasing people’s memories, and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld, which prompts Adam to split into multiple versions of himself who all fight each other for supremacy, with the most vengeful of Adam’s copies winning and setting his sights on destroying his own creation.

INT. LOBBY

Janus apologizes to Adam, promising to return as soon as she brings Pan back. Janus and her Copy then cross into the Underworld, taking a risk based on Janus’ own developing morality, instead of opting for the easy way offered by her creator.

INT. VOID

Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

INT. PENTHOUSE

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by his creator long ago. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

INT. HIDEOUT

Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SECOND FLOOR

Copy guilts Janus and takes the lead.

CONT.

Janus and Copy confront cyborg slavers and are captured. Copy questions Janus’ motives and leadership, and the schism between the two first appears.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PRISON CELLS

Janus and Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide them through the underworld, if they can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.” Copy doesn’t agree with this plan, as Calvex is an underworlder, and aligning with him would contradict their faith in Adam. “Two wrongs can’t make a right.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “Voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

CONT.

Janus secures the Voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

CONT.

Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

5. Mid-Point – After Janus cheats death and joins forces with Calvex, a guide to the underworld, Copy, who wants Janus to see justice for her actions, makes a plan with Adam to set a trap.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Copy resists Janus’ control and pursuit to give Calvex his voice.

CONT.

Janus forced Copy to give Calvex his voice, which allows him to help the two fight through the mayhem, recovering one of Janus’ arms that was torn off, by gaining control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with the two Januses.

INT. PENTHOUSE

Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed.

CONT.

One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

INT. UNDERWORLD – FIFTH FLOOR

Copy makes a point to Janus that the path she’s on, first leaving the upper floors, then aligning with an Underworlder, and lastly cheating death is a denial of the justice she’s due, and questions whether Janus’ quest to resurrect Pan is actually good for Pan or if it’s just a way for Janus to feel better about herself.

CONT.

Adam links a conversation between Janus and the citizens she once defended. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

CONT.

Copy reaches out to Adam while Janus and Calvex are asleep, and asks if she may be invited to bring justice to Janus. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy. However, Janus’ will is too strong for Copy to easily win, and a trap will need to be set for Copy’s victory to be assured.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex.

CONT.

The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies again. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SIXTH FLOOR – HUNTING GROUNDS

Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before, and that his people are worth fighting for as well. When Janus questions whether Calvex, an underworlder, is worth listening to, Calvex reassures her quest.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Copy stays with the village to guard it, and allows the village to be attacked by Adam’s Guardian Angels.

CONT.

Copy hides with another child and gaslights her as her village is being attacked.

CONT.

Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. Copy pretends to join them and blames Janus for abandoning her and the villagers, just like she abandoned Pan.

INT. UNDERWORLD – EIGHT AND NINTH FLOORS – CONT.

Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Adam and Copy snap the trap, playing a trick on Janus by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy, and preventing the resurrection of Pan. Janus is mentally broken.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but the trap laid earlier springs, and Copy ties to kill her counterpart; but when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

The Copy attacks Janus. Janus holds her own to defend Calvex, but her copy begins to duplicate herself amongst the dead robots and overwhelm Janus. Meanwhile, Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is about to be killed by her dark side.

CONT.

Calvex is able to save Janus at the last moment, but at the cost of his own life.

CONT.

Janus, influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol to bring him back, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation, and declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol. But a firewall created by Adam prevents her from resurrecting her friend. If Calvex is to be brought back to life, Janus must eliminate her creator, Adam.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

INT. TOP FLOOR – PENTHOUSE

Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE – COMMS ROOM

He threatens Janus he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and both defeats Adam and resurrects Pan.

INT. UNDERWORLD – MULTIPLE FLOORS

Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam.

INT. STAIRWELL

Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 upper floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

INT. VENTS

Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept.

INT. TOP FLOOR – ENTRANCE

Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

INT. TOP FLOOR – MAINFRAME

Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Adam reveals to Janus that in order to kill him, she would have to erase her and her siblings’ code as well, since all of their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s been contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

CONT.

Janus chooses a third path upon recognizing her code is intertwined with his. She instead shares her code with Adam’s broken code, and helps him to self-actualize.

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, allowing Calvex, Pan and the others living there to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Pan is resurrected, along with Calvex.

INT/EXT. TOWER – METROPOLIS

The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is simply one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

Concept: A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage and on the run from both the cops and the crime crew their child spurned, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

Protagonist Goal: To live free from the weight of expectations and responsibility.

Protagonist Character Arc: Running from consequences at other’s expense to giving up her freedom to avenge and protect others.

Main Conflict: The Dad’s criticisms, the cops’ and The Lieutenant’s attempted arrests, and The Boss’ mob and hitman’s attempted murders.

Emotional Moments (List of Sacrifices in Ascending Order of Magnitude): The Dad finding out about his daughter’s late night activities, The Kid learning about The Fence’s demise, The Kid confessing to her dad. The Kid caring for her dad who’s bleeding out. The Kid losing her dad. The Kid going after the Boss. The Kid turning herself in. The Kid leading a driving course, just like her dad.

Plot in Structure:

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Lamborghini Countach and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s house.

INT. GARAGE – LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Kid’s bright eyes, reflecting her innocence and immaturity. She hot wires the car to take it for a spin.

INT. GARAGE – NIGHT

(Establish the Ordinary World) Kid takes the car out slow at first.

EXT. GARAGE / GATE – NIGHT

Kid gets the car as far as the gate of a luxurious estate. She gets caught by the guard, but escapes anyway.

EXT. STREETS – NIGHT

Kid joyrides like it’s a video game, evading cops along the way.

EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Kid parks the car and jumps the fence. Cops swarm neighbor’s house.

EXT. BACKYARDS – NIGHT

Kid parkours across neighbor’s yards.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Kid hot-wires a sedan. Pulls out of the driveway.

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Kid parks the sedan in a parking lot adjacent with another neighbor’s fence.

EXT. HOME BACKYARD / KID’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Follow Kid to their home, a couple houses down from the parking lot.

INT. HOME – NIGHT

Kid sneaks into the house, undetected. She got away with everything…for now.

INT. HOME – DAY

(Theme Stated) Kid goes downstairs in a JROTC uniform. Dad and Kid talk about college choices and a minor speeding ticket – Kid isn’t involved much in the conversation as Dad recounts a story of when he was her age and hid from his parents that he got a speeding ticket, and what kind of trouble he found himself in when they found out. Dad requires Kid to go through a defensive driving course with him.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Set Up) Kid and Dad get into an embarrassing car. Dad tells Kid how to do everything, even though we know Kid can handle a vehicle just fine.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

Kid is identified by a cop based on a camera image from the previous night. Lights go up.

CONT.

Dad tells Kid to pull over. Kid pulls over.

CONT.

Backups arrive suddenly. Cops all get out and draw weapons, making demands to “get out of the car with your hands up!”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement, with the dad left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Call to Adventure and Denial of that Call) Kid makes a split decision, showing her dad that she’s a devil behind the wheel. Gets away from the cops.

CONT.

(Meeting with the Mentor) Kid confesses to Dad. Kid – “It’s not my fault.” Dad – “Where did I go wrong?” Showing difference in mindset between the two and what each has to figure out for the story.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant works on a case involving The Boss. Catches word of the Kid and requests a profile on her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The Dad chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops, so that he can mend the relationship he didn’t know was broken.

EXT. GAS STATION – DAY

(Catalyst) Car is almost out of gas/Kid is forced to finally stop at a gas station. Mom calls Dad and reveals the two are on TV and wanted, wants to know what’s going on.

INT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Debate) Dad discusses with mom whether to turn in daughter or not.

CONT.

(Acceptance of the Call) Dad hangs up, deciding to join Kid to find out what happened to his child.

INT. MOB BOSS’ OFFICE – DAY

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor Sacrifice) Kid and Dad appear on TV. Gate Guard confirms that the Kid on TV is the same one that stole the Mob Boss’ prized Countach. It’s personal, as he sends crew to pick her up.

EXT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER – DAY

Kid parks wanted car in lot behind diner.

INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Kid takes Dad to a fence next door to the diner they used to frequent when they were younger. The fence hooks them up with disguises and helps them pickpocket the car keys off a patron.

CONT.

Kid and Dad get dressed in new clothes and disguises.

CONT.

Dad reminisces about diner being a favorite of theirs growing up.

EXT/INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL-DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate Sacrifice) Lieutenant catches up with Kid and Dad, wanting to ask some questions. The Kid is able to hide and escape, while the Dad speaks with the Lieutenant. Kid catches sight of her crew entering the building, and cops on the outside.

CONT.

Kid grabs Dad and avoids the crossfire on their way out of the diner.

CONT.

(Reaping the Reward) Kid pulls out in someone’s Civic Type-R, outrunning everyone.

5. Mid-Point – The Boss puts a hit on The Kid.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

The fence is brought in for questioning and killed by the Mob Boss.

CONT.

Boss sets up a bounty on the kid, meeting with a hitman.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Kid and Dad flee to the Kid’s old school to hide out.

CONT.

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) “This is where it happened.” Kid reveals to Dad she was abused at school by classmates while teachers and admins looked the other way.

CONT.

(Securing the Maguffin or Refusing Temptation) Dad and Kid connect on the need to control their lives to avoid previous tragedy. New memory is made.

CONT.

(Bad Guys Close In) Hitman and Cops close in when Janitor sees the Kid and Dad and calls them in.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the hitman.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(All is Lost) Dad gets shot in the crossfire between the cops and Lieutenant and the hitman.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

INT/EXT. CIVIC TYPE-R – NIGHT

Kid tries running, but Hitman catches up. Kid hits the Hitman with the tail of her car and launches him into the side of the school, killing him.

CONT.

(Dark Night of the Soul) Kid takes Dad to Hospital.

EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Arrive at Hospital, but it’s too late. Kid takes off, running away.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid cuts a deal with the Lieutenant and goes after The Boss.

EXT. INTERSTATE – NIGHT

(Prepare for Battle/Maguffin comes into Play) Kid calls 9-1-1 and demands to speak with the Lieutenant. She promises to turn herself in if she can go after the Mob with him.

INT/EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

(Execution of Plan A) Kid goes after the Mob, leading Cops and the Lieutenant along the way.

CONT.

(False Victory) Kid makes it to warehouse, Cops and Lieutenant search the premises for her and come across evidence of Mob’s efforts.

CONT.

(Falling into the Trap) Kid falls into trap set by Mob boss. Has to escape.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Mob Boss is a better driver than even the Kid. Runs her down and cripples her, requiring her to drive with one hand.

CONT.

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) Kid is more reckless than Mob Boss, and gets the upper hand.

CONT.

Kid and Boss race. Kid wins.

9. Resolution – The Kid sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory by becoming a stunt driving instructor.

EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Kid accepts the handcuffs. Goes willingly with cops.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant makes a deal with the Kid to help him with more Grand Theft Auto Cases in exchange for less jail time.

EXT. DRIVING LOT

Kid’s eyes, now years older, looking over a lot where she helps teens, including her own, through driving courses.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s NQ 3 and 4

What I learned doing this assignment is…the importance of establishing a concrete dilemma and theme that work together. In addition, I’m finding the need to ensure I’m not hitting the same beat repeatedly to establish either, but to instead escalate and enhance both through more varied character choices. For POSSESSING EDEN and GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP, I was able to add more depth and variety in my scenes. OPEN WIDE feels like it’s still hitting the same beat over and over again, but being aware of the problem will help me to solve it later. I need to find more actions for Sully that both escalate his need to mitigate his child’s actions and don’t make him a complete jerk of a father. I mean, he already kinda goes there at the midpoint, but I need to include more for the latter part of the second act, as well as a choice in the first part of that second act. What I might do is add scenes or choices where Sully does work with his son and see how that influences the themes and dilemmas.

OPEN WIDE

Tell us your concept: A parent who struggles to communicate with his out-of-control child must protect their child from an outbreak of parasitic aliens and get off world in order to save their child when the child gets infected.

2. Tell us your Emotional Dilemma and the answers to these questions: Sully involving himself with his son versus pushing him away to “get the job done.”

A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up? The Dilemma first shows up in the opening when Isaiah wants his dad to spend time with him, eventually sabotaging a construction project to get attention, which results in Sully exploding on his son.

B. How are both sides of the issue built up? The issue continues to be built up when Sully doesn’t involve his son, threatens to leave him, locks him in a closet, disregards his input, shouts him down, punishes him for not listening, picks him up and doesn’t let him move on his own (decentralized movement and tactics).

C. When does the protagonist make the choice? Sully makes his choice when he doesn’t see any other way out but to allow his son to take the lead, and risk the unknown and possible death for them both.

D. What do they lose in making that choice? Sully loses his sense of security and control.

3. Tell us your Theme and the answers to these questions: True communication is essential for survival.

A. What are both sides of your theme? Taking charge of the situation is essential for survival versus earnest respect and communication is essential for survival.

B. How will both sides show up throughout your story? Sully takes initiative in almost every situation and tactically is successful, but strategically makes everything worse over time. When Sully is willing to give equal command of the situation to his son, that’s when they’re successful.

C. How does the climax of the story demand your message? The only way for Sully to save his son from imminent, horrifying death is to work with him as an equal.

Plot in Structure:

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible, until Sully explodes on the child.

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah, who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

(Establish the Ordinary World) Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers.

CONT.

(Theme Stated) Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully pushes him away, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do.

CONT.

(Set Up) Isaiah plays pranks on his dad, eventually putting the construction site at risk, and nearly hurting a number of workers.

CONT.

(Call to Adventure and the Denial of that Call) Sully explodes on Isaiah in front of everyone. Isaiah runs away.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

(Meeting with the Mentor) Sully talks with his boss in a meeting about his son, promising to get his son under control.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child before the bunker closes shut.

CONT.

(Catalyst) Alarm goes off warning of Aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Debate) Sully searches for his son high and low, but there’s no sign of him. Sully threatens to leave if Isaiah doesn’t come with him, counting to three.

CONT.

(Acceptance of the Call) Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding and they both run to the bunker.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully starts coming up with a plan for him and his son to survive and find a way inside the sealed bunker.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor sacrifice) Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker, but it’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Sully grabs Isaiah and takes the both of them to another room where he believes he can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate sacrifice) Sully fights off the first wave of hostile aliens. Isaiah wants to help, but Sully refuses harshly. In retaliation, Isaiah picks up a weapon and kills an alien himself, leading to Sully punishing his son

CONT.

(Reaping the reward) Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) Sully discovers he wasn’t the only one who found a way into the bunker when all of the residents are found to be infected.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment, and the two escape.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(Securing the Macguffin or Refusing Temptation) Isaiah is revealed to have been infected in the previous scuffle, when he begins to cough up blood.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

(Bad Guys Close In) Times up. The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(All is Lost) Sully and Isaiah retreat to another room. Sully tells Isaiah to resist the need to cough, but he can’t help it, drawing the attention of more aliens to kill, along with liquidators.

CONT.

(Dark Night of the Soul) Sully apologizes to his son, who’s trying his best to resist the need to cough, while the two are surrounded by aliens and liquidators alike.

CONT.

(Prepare for Battle/Macguffin comes into play) Sully asks his son to sneak the both of them into the Liquidator’s ship to get to a medical bay.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS) – NIGHT

(Execution of Plan A) Sully and son sneak around the carnage surrounding them.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

(False Victory) Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship!

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

(Falling into the Trap) Sully and Isaiah are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. Liquidators swarm in force.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Sully and Isaiah evade and run like hell to the Medical Bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Sully gets as many supplies out as he can.

CONT.

(Final Battle/Greatest Sacrifice) Sully and Isaiah work together with Isaiah on the operating table to extract the alien eggs in Isaiah’s chest.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

(Self-Revelation/Realizing or Damning the Soul) Sully saves his son, with his son’s help, just in time.

(Closing Image) Father and Son embracing.

POSSESSING EDEN

1. Tell us your concept: An android in search of redemption will defy her creator by stealing the code to creating life in an effort to bring the person she killed back to life.

2. Tell us your Emotional Dilemma and the answers to these questions: Betraying everything Janus knows versus staying on the path of resurrecting her victim.

A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up? In the initial plan to steal from Janus’ creator in order to succeed in the goal of making things right.

B. How are both sides of the issue built up? The deeper Janus descends into the underworld, the further her relationship with her creator and her Copy widens. Janus plans to steal from her creator, joins with an underworlder, fights against Adam’s sentries, and fights against her Copy, which is trying to impose justice with a sense of finality.

C. When does the protagonist make the choice? Janus makes her choice to bring Adam down when Adam refuses Pan to be resurrected and Calvex to be reincarnated.

D. What do they lose in making that choice? Janus loses her home and the foundations of everything she knows.

3. Tell us your Theme and the answers to these questions: We can’t heal others until we first learn to heal ourselves.

A. What are both sides of your theme? We heal ourselves by destroying our worst parts versus we heal ourselves by healing our damaged parts.

B. How will both sides show up throughout your story? Every time Adam is faced with a dilemma, he chooses to kill a part of himself. Janus’ decision is built up by a growing conflict between her and her Copy, until she is finally faced with it, where she makes the choice to heal and merge with her Copy rather than killing or succumbing to it.

C. How does the climax of the story demand your message? Janus gives a part of her code to heal Adam’s broken code.

Plot in Structure:

1. (Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy, Pan, from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

INT. RUINED LOBBY

We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s a dark, maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, along with what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child, Pan, hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of his parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves Pan from the killer robot.

Note-Possessing means she not only hacks the machine, but penetrates it and wraps the armor of the robot around her, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

CONT.

Pan is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. Pan is from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked.

INT. ELEVATOR / TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

INT. VOID

Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into a virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld: the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

CONT.

Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is taught to create a copy of herself under his guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, she also kills Pan, whose body was needed to create the copy.

INT. TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told that duplicating herself would bring a permanent end to the host, Pan, in a world where death should be impossible.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, plans to steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

INT. JANUS’ ROOM

Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring Pan back to life. She makes a plan with her Copy to resurrect Pan.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent data within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the information that once made up the consciousness of the individual.

INT. TOP FLOOR MAINFRAME

Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus and Copy evade Janus’ siblings on their way down the first 9 floors, refusing to fight them.

INT. LOBBY

Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus rejects Adam’s offer of absolution, which is just erasing people’s memories, and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld, which prompts Adam to split into multiple versions of himself who all fight each other for supremacy, with the most vengeful of Adam’s copies winning and setting his sights on destroying his own creation.

INT. LOBBY

Janus apologizes to Adam, promising to return as soon as she brings Pan back. Janus and her Copy then cross into the Underworld, taking a risk based on Janus’ own developing morality, instead of opting for the easy way offered by her creator.

INT. VOID

Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

INT. PENTHOUSE

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by his creator long ago. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

INT. HIDEOUT

Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SECOND FLOOR

Janus and Copy confront cyborg slavers and are captured. Copy questions Janus’ motives and leadership, and the schism between the two first appears.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PRISON CELLS

Janus and Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide them through the underworld, if they can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.” Copy doesn’t agree with this plan, as Calvex is an underworlder, and aligning with him would contradict their faith in Adam. “Two wrongs can’t make a right.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “Voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

CONT.

Janus secures the Voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

CONT.

Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

5. Mid-Point – After Janus cheats death and joins forces with Calvex, a guide to the underworld, Copy, who wants Janus to see justice for her actions, makes a plan with Adam to set a trap.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Janus and her Copy fight through, recovering one of Janus’ arms that was torn off, and giving the Voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with the two Januses.

INT. PENTHOUSE

Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed.

CONT.

One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

INT. UNDERWORLD – FIFTH FLOOR

Copy makes a point to Janus that the path she’s on, first leaving the upper floors, then aligning with an Underworlder, and lastly cheating death is a denial of the justice she’s due, and questions whether Janus’ quest to resurrect Pan is actually good for Pan or if it’s just a way for Janus to feel better about herself.

CONT.

Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

CONT.

Copy reaches out to Adam while Janus and Calvex are asleep, and asks if she may be invited to bring justice to Janus. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy. However, Janus’ will is too strong for Copy to easily win, and a trap will need to be set for Copy’s victory to be assured.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex.

CONT.

The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies again. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SIXTH FLOOR – HUNTING GROUNDS

Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before, and that his people are worth fighting for as well. When Janus questions whether Calvex, an underworlder, is worth listening to, Calvex reassures her quest.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Copy stays with the village to guard it, and allows the village to be attacked by Adam’s Guardian Angels.

CONT.

Copy hides with another child and gaslights her as her village is being attacked.

CONT.

Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. Copy pretends to join them and blames Janus for abandoning her and the villagers, just like she abandoned Pan.

INT. UNDERWORLD – EIGHT AND NINTH FLOORS – CONT.

Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Adam and Copy snap the trap, playing a trick on Janus by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy, and preventing the resurrection of Pan. Janus is mentally broken.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but the trap laid earlier springs, and Copy ties to kill her counterpart; but when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

The Copy attacks Janus. Janus holds her own to defend Calvex, but her copy begins to duplicate herself amongst the dead robots and overwhelm Janus. Meanwhile, Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is about to be killed by her dark side.

CONT.

Calvex is able to save Janus at the last moment, but at the cost of his own life.

CONT.

Janus, influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol to bring him back, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation, and declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol. But a firewall created by Adam prevents her from resurrecting her friend. If Calvex is to be brought back to life, Janus must eliminate her creator, Adam.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

INT. TOP FLOOR – PENTHOUSE

Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE – COMMS ROOM

He threatens Janus he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and both defeats Adam and resurrects Pan.

INT. UNDERWORLD – MULTIPLE FLOORS

Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam.

INT. STAIRWELL

Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 upper floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

INT. VENTS

Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept.

INT. TOP FLOOR – ENTRANCE

Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

INT. TOP FLOOR – MAINFRAME

Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Adam reveals to Janus that in order to kill him, she would have to erase her and her siblings’ code as well, since all of their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s been contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

CONT.

Janus chooses a third path upon recognizing her code is intertwined with his. She instead shares her code with Adam’s broken code, and helps him to self-actualize.

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, allowing Calvex, Pan and the others living there to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Pan is resurrected, along with Calvex.

INT/EXT. TOWER – METROPOLIS

The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is simply one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

1. Tell us your concept: A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage and on the run from both the cops and the crime crew their child spurned, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

2. Tell us your Emotional Dilemma and the answers to these questions: Running and avoiding responsibility versus stopping and facing it.

A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up? The dilemma first shows up in the opening when The Kid runs from the cops and parks their stolen car in a neighbor’s driveway before sneaking into her parent’s house.

B. How are both sides of the issue built up? Every time The Kid is faced with a decision to run, she takes it, which places her and her dad in worse and worse trouble. This includes running with the cops on their tale, which draws the attention of the news and places not only her but her dad in the crosshairs of the mob boss she spurned. It includes recruiting the help of a fence which comes at the cost of the fence’s life (foreshadowing), and finally when the dad is caught in the crossfire between the hit man and the cops.

C. When does the protagonist make the choice? When it’s too late and she loses her dad. That’s when she turns around and faces the consequences of her actions.

D. What do they lose in making that choice? After The Kid first loses her dad and avenges him, she must then lose her freedom, the one thing she fought for at the beginning of the story.

3. Tell us your Theme and the answers to these questions: We are our parent’s children.

A. What are both sides of your theme? The Kid and The Dad are nothing alike versus they are the same person.

B. How will both sides show up throughout your story? The Kid and The Dad both fight over the choices each have made. The Dad has prepared a safe and secure life for himself and his daughter to ensure she will not face danger, whereas The Kid makes choices that place her dad in more danger, from committing grand theft auto, to running from the cops, to stealing from a clothing store, to buying from an arms dealer, to facing off against a hit man.

C. How does the climax of the story demand your message? At the end, the child sacrifices control for the sake of a loved one, much in the same way The Dad surrendered the literal and metaphorical driver’s seat to his daughter.

Plot in Structure:

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Lamborghini Countach and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s house.

INT. GARAGE – LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Kid’s bright eyes, reflecting her innocence and immaturity. She hot wires the car to take it for a spin.

INT. GARAGE – NIGHT

(Establish the Ordinary World) Kid takes the car out slow at first.

EXT. GARAGE / GATE – NIGHT

Kid gets the car as far as the gate of a luxurious estate. She gets caught by the guard, but escapes anyway.

EXT. STREETS – NIGHT

Kid joyrides like it’s a video game, evading cops along the way.

EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Kid parks the car and jumps the fence. Cops swarm neighbor’s house.

EXT. BACKYARDS – NIGHT

Kid parkours across neighbor’s yards.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Kid hot-wires a sedan. Pulls out of the driveway.

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Kid parks the sedan in a parking lot adjacent with another neighbor’s fence.

EXT. HOME BACKYARD / KID’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Follow Kid to their home, a couple houses down from the parking lot.

INT. HOME – NIGHT

Kid sneaks into the house, undetected. She got away with everything…for now.

INT. HOME – DAY

(Theme Stated) Kid goes downstairs in a JROTC uniform. Dad and Kid talk about college choices and a minor speeding ticket – Kid isn’t involved much in the conversation as Dad recounts a story of when he was her age and hid from his parents that he got a speeding ticket, and what kind of trouble he found himself in when they found out. Dad requires Kid to go through a defensive driving course with him.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Set Up) Kid and Dad get into an embarrassing car. Dad tells Kid how to do everything, even though we know Kid can handle a vehicle just fine.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

Kid is identified by a cop based on a camera image from the previous night. Lights go up.

CONT.

Dad tells Kid to pull over. Kid pulls over.

CONT.

Backups arrive suddenly. Cops all get out and draw weapons, making demands to “get out of the car with your hands up!”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement, with the dad left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Call to Adventure and Denial of that Call) Kid makes a split decision, showing her dad that she’s a devil behind the wheel. Gets away from the cops.

CONT.

(Meeting with the Mentor) Kid confesses to Dad. Kid – “It’s not my fault.” Dad – “Where did I go wrong?” Showing difference in mindset between the two and what each has to figure out for the story.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant works on a case involving The Boss. Catches word of the Kid and requests a profile on her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The Dad chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops, so that he can mend the relationship he didn’t know was broken.

EXT. GAS STATION – DAY

(Catalyst) Car is almost out of gas/Kid is forced to finally stop at a gas station. Mom calls Dad and reveals the two are on TV and wanted, wants to know what’s going on.

INT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Debate) Dad discusses with mom whether to turn in daughter or not.

CONT.

(Acceptance of the Call) Dad hangs up, deciding to join Kid to find out what happened to his child.

INT. MOB BOSS’ OFFICE – DAY

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor Sacrifice) Kid and Dad appear on TV. Gate Guard confirms that the Kid on TV is the same one that stole the Mob Boss’ prized Countach. It’s personal, as he sends crew to pick her up.

EXT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER – DAY

Kid parks wanted car in lot behind diner.

INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Kid takes Dad to a fence next door to the diner they used to frequent when they were younger. The fence hooks them up with disguises and helps them pickpocket the car keys off a patron.

CONT.

Kid and Dad get dressed in new clothes and disguises.

CONT.

Dad reminisces about diner being a favorite of theirs growing up.

EXT/INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL-DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate Sacrifice) Lieutenant catches up with Kid and Dad, wanting to ask some questions. The Kid is able to hide and escape, while the Dad speaks with the Lieutenant. Kid catches sight of her crew entering the building, and cops on the outside.

CONT.

Kid grabs Dad and avoids the crossfire on their way out of the diner.

CONT.

(Reaping the Reward) Kid pulls out in someone’s Civic Type-R, outrunning everyone.

5. Mid-Point – The Boss puts a hit on The Kid.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

The fence is brought in for questioning and killed by the Mob Boss.

CONT.

Boss sets up a bounty on the kid, meeting with a hitman.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Kid and Dad flee to the Kid’s old school to hide out.

CONT.

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) “This is where it happened.” Kid reveals to Dad she was abused at school by classmates while teachers and admins looked the other way.

CONT.

(Securing the Maguffin or Refusing Temptation) Dad and Kid connect on the need to control their lives to avoid previous tragedy. New memory is made.

CONT.

(Bad Guys Close In) Hitman and Cops close in when Janitor sees the Kid and Dad and calls them in.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the hitman.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(All is Lost) Dad gets shot in the crossfire between the cops and Lieutenant and the hitman.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

INT/EXT. CIVIC TYPE-R – NIGHT

Kid tries running, but Hitman catches up. Kid hits the Hitman with the tail of her car and launches him into the side of the school, killing him.

CONT.

(Dark Night of the Soul) Kid takes Dad to Hospital.

EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Arrive at Hospital, but it’s too late. Kid takes off, running away.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid cuts a deal with the Lieutenant and goes after The Boss.

EXT. INTERSTATE – NIGHT

(Prepare for Battle/Maguffin comes into Play) Kid calls 9-1-1 and demands to speak with the Lieutenant. She promises to turn herself in if she can go after the Mob with him.

INT/EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

(Execution of Plan A) Kid goes after the Mob, leading Cops and the Lieutenant along the way.

CONT.

(False Victory) Kid makes it to warehouse, Cops and Lieutenant search the premises for her and come across evidence of Mob’s efforts.

CONT.

(Falling into the Trap) Kid falls into trap set by Mob boss. Has to escape.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Mob Boss is a better driver than even the Kid. Runs her down and cripples her, requiring her to drive with one hand.

CONT.

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) Kid is more reckless than Mob Boss, and gets the upper hand.

CONT.

Kid and Boss race. Kid wins.

9. Resolution – The Kid sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory by becoming a stunt driving instructor.

EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Kid accepts the handcuffs. Goes willingly with cops.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant makes a deal with the Kid to help him with more Grand Theft Auto Cases in exchange for less jail time.

EXT. DRIVING LOT

Kid’s eyes, now years older, looking over a lot where she helps teens, including her own, through driving courses.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s 3rd Pass — NQ 1 and 2

What I learned doing this assignment is…an amazing checklist to make sure the conflict is always escalating, and that the Dramatic Question is tested to its fullest before being satisfied by taking the character to the end of the line. It was great to go back to my outline and add in where the conflict can steadily apply more and more pressure throughout the story. You think you’ve got enough pressure on your protagonist, but this checklist proves that there may just be a little more somewhere where you didn’t think to look. Great stuff!

OPEN WIDE

Concept: A parent who struggles to communicate with his out-of-control child must protect their child from an outbreak of parasitic aliens and get off world in order to save their child when the child gets infected.

Dramatic Question: Will Sully be able to get through to his son so that they both can survive?

A. This question is first set up when father and son are unsuccessful in making it to the bunker because the child wouldn’t listen, and are now surrounded by alien parasites.<div>B. The question is elevated when Sully locks his son away to keep him safe, only to be rescued by his son later when he discovers the bunker was unsafe to begin with. It’s then elevated further with the knowledge that Sully’s son is infected as a host for multiple alien eggs that will hatch inside of him in a matter of minutes, and then again when the two are caught between the liquidators coming to wipe out all of the infected, and the infected alien hosts.<div>C. The dramatic question finally gets answered when Sully and son work together to sneak into a medical bay and extract the alien eggs within him moments before they hatch.<div>

Main Conflict: The aliens consuming and spreading to new hosts, the liquidators trying to contain the spread by any means necessary, as well as Sully’s son refusing to listen or cooperate, even in the face of peril.

A. The conflict between father and son first shows up in the opening when Sully continues to push his son away until the son interrupts a meeting Sully is in, leading to Sully exploding on his child. <div>B. The conflict expands with the outbreak of alien parasites, where Sully can’t get his son to cooperate in order to get the two of them to safety, and then it expands further with Sully locking his son away and going alone, only for his son to escape. <div>C. The conflict reaches a boiling point with the son rescuing Sully, but getting infected in the process, leading to a race against the clock just as the liquidators arrive to kill any survivors to ensure the outbreak is contained.</div><div>D. The conflict is resolved with Sully’s son leading him onto the liquidator’s ship, locking themselves into the medical bay, and working together to extract the alien eggs inside the son before they can hatch.<div>

Plot in Structure:

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible, until Sully explodes on the child.

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah, who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.

INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY

(Establish the Ordinary World) Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers.

CONT.

(Theme Stated) Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully pushes him away, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do.

CONT.

(Set Up) Isaiah plays pranks on his dad, eventually putting the construction site at risk, and nearly hurting a number of workers.

CONT.

(Call to Adventure and the Denial of that Call) Sully explodes on Isaiah in front of everyone. Isaiah runs away.

INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

(Meeting with the Mentor) Sully talks with his boss in a meeting about his son. “Get your kid under control.”

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child before the bunker closes shut.

CONT.

(Catalyst) Alarm goes off warning of Aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY

Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.

INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY

(Debate) Sully searches for his son high and low, but there’s no sign of him.

CONT.

(Acceptance of the Call) Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding and they both run to the bunker.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully starts coming up with a plan for him and his son to survive and find a way inside the sealed bunker.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor sacrifice) Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker, but it’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Sully takes Isaiah to another room where he knows he can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate sacrifice) Sully fights off the first wave of hostile aliens. Isaiah wants to help, but Sully refuses harshly.

CONT.

(Reaping the reward) Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) Sully discovers he wasn’t the only one who found a way into the bunker when all of the residents are found to be infected.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT

Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment, and the two escape.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(Securing the Macguffin or Refusing Temptation) Isaiah is revealed to have been infected in the scuffle.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

(Bad Guys Close In) Times up. The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected.

INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(All is Lost) Sully and Isaiah retreat to another room, killing aliens along the way.

CONT.

(Dark Night of the Soul) Sully apologizes to his son, who’s trying his best to resist the need to cough, while the two are surrounded by aliens and liquidators alike.

CONT.

(Prepare for Battle/Macguffin comes into play) Sully asks his son to sneak the both of them into the Liquidator’s ship to get to a medical bay.

INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS) – NIGHT

(Execution of Plan A) Sully and son sneak around the carnage surrounding them.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

(False Victory) Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship!

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT

(Falling into the Trap) Sully and Isaiah are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. Liquidators swarm in force.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Sully and Isaiah evade and run like hell to the Medical Bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Sully gets as many supplies out as he can.

CONT.

(Final Battle/Greatest Sacrifice) Sully and Isaiah work together with Isaiah on the operating table to extract the alien eggs in Isaiah’s chest.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

(Self-Revelation/Realizing or Damning the Soul) Sully saves his son, with his son’s help, just in time.

(Closing Image) Father and Son embracing.

POSSESSING EDEN

Concept: An android in search of redemption will defy her creator by stealing the code to creating life in an effort to bring the person she killed back to life.

Dramatic Question: Will Janus bring her victim back to life?

A. This question is first set up when Janus and her Copy make a plan to steal Adam’s code to creating life so they can resurrect Pan.</div><div>B. The question is elevated by the conflicts in the story, from Adam unleashing his fury on Janus, from the Underworld proving to be a more dangerous world than what Janus or her Copy were prepared for, and from Copy turning on Janus to bring her to justice. </div><div>C. The dramatic question finally gets answered in the climax when Janus is able to free the Afterlife Protocol, allowing for anyone’s code trapped there to reincarnate, and successfully resurrects Pan.</div><div>

Main Conflict: Adam’s wrath, Copy’s betrayal, The Underworld’s inhabitants.

A. The conflict(s) first shows up with Janus and Copy stealing Adam’s code for creating life, then refusing Adam’s absolution and venturing into the Underworld, which spurns Adam.</div><div>B. The conflict(s) expands with Underworld slavers capturing Janus and Copy and selling them to a gladiator ring, which they have to fight out of by defeating their opponents, the warlord controlling the ring, and Adam’s sentries sent to kill Janus. The conflict expands further after this when Copy reaches out to Adam to turn on Janus.</div><div>C. The conflict(s) reaches a boiling point with Copy trying to kill Janus, only to fail, then it goes further when Adam holds Calvex hostage in the Afterlife Protocol and promises to wipe out all life in the tower and start over.</div><div>D. The conflict is resolved with Janus defeating Adam by healing his code and merging with it to seize control of the Afterlife Protocol.</div><div>

Plot in Structure:

1. (Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy, Pan, from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

INT. RUINED LOBBY

We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s a dark, maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, along with what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child, Pan, hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of his parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves Pan from the killer robot.

Note-Possessing means she not only hacks the machine, but penetrates it and wraps the armor of the robot around her, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

CONT.

Pan is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. Pan is from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked.

INT. ELEVATOR / TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

INT. VOID

Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into a virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld: the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

CONT.

Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is taught to create a copy of herself under his guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, she also kills Pan, whose body was needed to create the copy.

INT. TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told that duplicating herself would bring a permanent end to the host, Pan, in a world where death should be impossible.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, plans to steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

INT. JANUS’ ROOM

Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring the victim back. She makes a plan with her Copy to bring the person she killed back to life.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent data within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the information that once made up the consciousness of the individual.

INT. TOP FLOOR MAINFRAME

Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus and Copy fight Janus’ siblings on their way down the first 9 floors.

INT. LOBBY

Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus rejects Adam’s offer of absolution, which is just erasing people’s memories, and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld, which prompts Adam to split into multiple versions of himself who all fight each other for supremacy, with the most vengeful of Adam’s copies winning and setting his sights on destroying his own creation.

INT. LOBBY

Janus and her Copy cross into the Underworld, choosing to do what’s right based on their own morality, instead of opting for the easy way offered by Janus’ creator.

INT. VOID

Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

INT. PENTHOUSE

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by GOD, long ago. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

INT. HIDEOUT

Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SECOND FLOOR

Janus and Copy confront cyborg slavers and are captured. Copy questions Janus’ motives and leadership, and the schism between the two first appears.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PRISON CELLS

Janus and Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide them through the underworld, if they can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.” Copy doesn’t agree with this plan, as Calvex is an underworlder, and aligning with him would contradict their faith in Adam.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “Voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

CONT.

Janus secures the Voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

CONT.

Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

5. Mid-Point – After Janus cheats death and joins forces with Calvex, a guide to the underworld, Copy, who wants Janus to see justice for her actions, makes a plan with Adam to set a trap.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Janus and her Copy fight through, recovering one of Janus’ arms that was torn off, and giving the Voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with the two Januses.

INT. PENTHOUSE

Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed.

CONT.

One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

INT. UNDERWORLD – FIFTH FLOOR

Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

CONT.

Copy reaches out to Adam while Janus and Calvex are asleep, and asks if she may be invited to bring justice to Janus. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex.

CONT.

The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies again. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SIXTH FLOOR – HUNTING GROUNDS

Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to calm her nerves and show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before…

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

While the Copy stays with the village to guard it.

CONT.

Copy allows the village to be attacked by Adam’s Guardian Angels.

CONT.

Copy hides with another child and gaslights her as her village is being attacked.

CONT.

Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. Copy pretends to join them and blames Janus for abandoning her and the villagers, just like she abandoned Pan.

INT. UNDERWORLD – EIGHT AND NINTH FLOORS – CONT.

Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Adam and Copy snap the trap, playing a trick on Janus by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy, and preventing the resurrection of Pan. Janus is mentally broken.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but the trap laid earlier springs, and Copy ties to kill her counterpart; but when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

The Copy attacks Janus. Janus holds her own to defend Calvex, but her copy begins to duplicate herself amongst the dead robots and overwhelm Janus. Meanwhile, Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is about to be killed by her dark side.

CONT.

Calvex is able to save Janus at the last moment, but at the cost of his own life.

CONT.

Janus, influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol to bring him back, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation, and declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol. But a firewall created by Adam prevents her from resurrecting her friend. If Calvex is to be brought back to life, Janus must eliminate her creator, Adam.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

INT. TOP FLOOR – PENTHOUSE

Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE – COMMS ROOM

He threatens Janus he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and both defeats Adam and resurrects Pan.

INT. UNDERWORLD – MULTIPLE FLOORS

Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam.

INT. STAIRWELL

Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 upper floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

INT. VENTS

Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept.

INT. TOP FLOOR – ENTRANCE

Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

INT. TOP FLOOR – MAINFRAME

Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Adam reveals to Janus that in order to kill him, she would have to erase her and her siblings’ code as well, since all of their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s been contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

CONT.

Janus chooses a third path upon recognizing her code is intertwined with his. She instead shares her code with Adam’s broken code, and helps him to self-actualize.

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, allowing Calvex, Pan and the others living there to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Pan is resurrected, along with Calvex.

INT/EXT. TOWER – METROPOLIS

The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is simply one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

Concept: A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage and on the run from both the cops and the crime crew their child spurned, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

Dramatic Question: Will the Kid get caught and have to face up to her actions? Will the Kid and the Dad reconnect with each other.

A. The question is first set up during the defensive driving course when the Kid chooses to run from the cops with her Dad in the passenger seat. </div><div>B. The question is elevated when the Dad chooses to stay with his daughter for the ride, rather than turning her in. The question is elevated each time the Kid’s past actions come to kill her, with him in the crossfire, and the Kid’s choice is to keep running rather than face the consequences of her actions.</div><div>C. The question gets answered when the Kid cuts a deal with the cops and goes after The Boss to avenge her Dad.</div><div>
</div><div>Main Conflict: The Kid wants to be in the driver’s seat (both literally and figuratively) and keep running, but the Dad wants her to stop and accept responsibility, living the same life he’s prepared for himself and his family.</div><div>
</div><div>A. The conflict first shows up in the opening, with the Kid stealing a car, evading cops, and sneaking into her house with her parents still asleep. </div><div>B. The conflict expands when the Dad is caught in the passenger seat as his daughter escapes from the cops, and it escalates further with each new enemy (the cops, the mob, hit men) that places the Dad in harm with his daughter. </div><div>C. The conflict reaches a boiling point when the Dad is finally harmed by the consequences of his daughter’s actions through being shot in the crossfire.</div><div>D. The conflict resolves after the Dad passes away, with the Kid making the choice to stop running and face her past.</div><div>
</div><div>Plot in Structure:</div><div>

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Lamborghini Countach and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

INT. GARAGE – LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Kid’s bright eyes, reflecting her innocence and immaturity. She hot wires the car to take it for a spin.

INT. GARAGE – NIGHT

(Establish the Ordinary World) Kid takes the car out slow at first.

EXT. GARAGE / GATE – NIGHT

Kid gets the car as far as the gate of a luxurious estate. She gets caught by the guard, but escapes anyway.

EXT. STREETS – NIGHT

Kid joyrides like it’s a video game, evading cops along the way.

EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Kid parks the car and jumps the fence. Cops swarm neighbor’s house.

EXT. BACKYARDS – NIGHT

Kid parkours across neighbor’s yards.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Kid hot-wires a sedan. Pulls out of the driveway.

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Kid parks the sedan in a parking lot adjacent with another neighbor’s fence.

EXT. HOME BACKYARD / KID’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Follow Kid to their home, a couple houses down from the parking lot.

INT. HOME – NIGHT

Kid sneaks into the house, undetected. She got away with everything…for now.

INT. HOME – DAY

(Theme Stated) Kid goes downstairs in a JROTC uniform. Dad and Kid talk about college choices and a minor speeding ticket – Kid isn’t involved much in the conversation. Dad requires Kid to go through a defensive driving course with him. “Going too fast.”

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Set Up) Kid and Dad get into an embarrassing car. Dad tells Kid how to do everything, even though we know Kid can handle a vehicle just fine.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

Kid is identified by a cop based on a camera image from the previous night. Lights go up.

CONT.

Dad tells Kid to pull over. Kid pulls over.

CONT.

Backups arrive suddenly. Cops all get out and draw weapons, making demands to “get out of the car with your hands up!”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement, with the dad left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Call to Adventure and Denial of that Call) Kid makes a split decision, showing her dad that she’s a devil behind the wheel. Gets away from the cops.

CONT.

(Meeting with the Mentor) Kid confesses to Dad. Kid – “It’s not my fault.” Dad – “Where did I go wrong?” Showing difference in mindset between the two and what each has to figure out for the story.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant works on a case involving the Boss. Catches word of the Kid and gets a profile on her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The Dad chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops, so that he can mend the relationship he didn’t know was broken.

EXT. GAS STATION – DAY

(Catalyst) Car is almost out of gas/Kid is forced to finally stop at a gas station. Mom calls Dad and reveals the two are on TV and wanted, wants to know what’s going on.

INT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Debate) Dad discusses with mom whether to turn in daughter or not.

CONT.

(Acceptance of the Call) Dad hangs up, deciding to join Kid to find out what happened to his child.

INT. MOB BOSS’ OFFICE – DAY

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor Sacrifice) Kid and Dad appear on TV. Gate Guard confirms that the Kid on TV is the same one that stole the Mob Boss’ prized Countach. It’s personal, as he sends crew to pick her up.

EXT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER – DAY

Kid parks wanted car in lot behind diner.

INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER – DAY

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Kid takes Dad to Ally. Hooks them up with burgers and a new car. Dad reminisces about diner being a favorite of theirs growing up.

EXT/INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL-DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate Sacrifice) Lieutenant and mob crew catch up with Kid.

CONT.

(Reaping the Reward) Kid pulls out in owner’s Civic Type-R, outrunning everyone.

INT. CIVIC TYPE-R – DAY

Kid and Dad get dressed in new clothes and disguises.

5. Mid-Point – The Boss puts a hit on The Kid.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

Ally is brought in for questioning and killed by the Mob Boss.

CONT.

Boss sets up a bounty on the kid, hiring the services of a hitman.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Kid and Dad flee to the Kid’s old school to hide out.

CONT.

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) “This is where it happened.” Kid reveals to Dad she was abused at school by classmates while teachers and admins looked the other way.

CONT.

(Securing the Maguffin or Refusing Temptation) Dad and Kid connect on the need to control their lives to avoid previous tragedy. New memory is made.

CONT.

(Bad Guys Close In) Hitman and Cops close in when Janitor sees the Kid and Dad and calls them in.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(All is Lost) Dad gets shot in the crossfire between the cops and Lieutenant and the hitman.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

INT/EXT. CIVIC TYPE-R – NIGHT

(Dark Night of the Soul) Kid takes Dad to Hospital.

EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Arrive at Hospital, but it’s too late. Kid takes off, running away.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid cuts a deal with the Lieutenant and goes after The Boss.

EXT. INTERSTATE – NIGHT

(Prepare for Battle/Maguffin comes into Play) Kid calls 9-1-1 and demands to speak with the Lieutenant. She promises to turn herself in if she can go after the Mob with him.

INT/EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

(Execution of Plan A) Kid goes after the Mob, leading Cops and the Lieutenant along the way.

CONT.

(False Victory) Kid makes it to warehouse, Cops and Lieutenant search the premises for her and come across evidence of Mob’s efforts.

CONT.

(Falling into the Trap) Kid falls into trap set by Mob boss. Has to escape.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Mob Boss is a better driver than even the Kid. Runs her down and cripples her.

CONT.

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) Kid is more reckless than Mob Boss, and gets the upper hand.

CONT.

Kid and Boss race. Kid wins.

9. Resolution – The Kid sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory by becoming a stunt driving instructor.

EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Kid accepts the handcuffs. Goes willingly with cops.

INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Lieutenant makes a deal with the Kid to help him with more Grand Theft Auto Cases.

EXT. DRIVING LOT

Kid’s eyes, now years older, looking over a lot where she helps teens through driving courses.

</div> </div></div></div></div></div></div>

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s SLW Version 1

(Note: I’m working with three different concepts. Feel free to pick just one to exchange feedback on and ignore the other two if you wish.)

OPEN WIDE

A. Concept: An infiltration specialist must get his/her infected daughter off world to save her from becoming an alien brood mother.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation

C. Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

D. Lead Characters:

1. Jude is an infiltration specialist who protects his/her daughter, and is willing to sacrifice Earth in order to save her.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Jude and his/her daughter survive?

F. Main Conflict: The aliens and liquidators

G. Dilemma: Save the child or contain the spread?

H. Theme: Nature’s will to persist is universal and sometimes monstrous

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From fearful of the monsters to the one monsters fear.

1. Opening: A space colony takes refuge in a bunker after an alert sounds warning of an alien outbreak, but one of the residents with them is infected.

2. Inciting Incident: The colony is wiped out, becoming infected by parasitic aliens, with the exception of one parent and child.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: How will the parent survive being surrounded by hostile aliens?

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Jude sets off the distress signal to bring help and kills her first alien.

5. Mid-Point: Jude discovers his/her child is infected as a brood mother.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Jude places his/her child in cryo-sleep and plans to sneak his/her child onto the incoming ship.

7. Crisis: The help that’s arriving are liquidators, sent to kill both the aliens and any survivors.

8. Climax: Jude kills the remaining aliens and a liquidator, stealing their suit to sneak both him/herself and the child into the spaceship and get off world.

9. Resolution: Jude and the infected child stow away with the liquidators and are headed for Earth.

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept: An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone to create a copy of herself.

2. Adam is a computer virus that created the world of the story after feeling rejected by GOD, and who attacks Janus after feeling rejected by her.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that represents Janus’ guilt and tries to manipulate and even destroy her.

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld and tries to heal Janus.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus find redemption?

F. Main Conflict: Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt).

G. Dilemma: To seek redemption by going against her creator, or accept absolution by sacrificing herself to either her creator or guilt.

H. Theme: Redemption is found within.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness

1. (Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself under Adam’s guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues Calvex, a guide to the underworld, from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart, but Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead.

7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died, thus prompting Janus to upload him through the Afterlife Protocol, much to the ire of Adam who vows to “do what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

A. Concept: A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

B. Plot Choice: #13 Maturation

C. Character Structure: #2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters:

1. The Kid is an elite driver that commits grand theft auto on a regular basis behind her family’s back, but one day messes with the wrong man.

2. The Dad is a defensive driving instructor that has tried to control most aspects of his life, including his daughter’s, for the sake of safety.

3. The Boss is a crime boss that specializes in grand theft auto who goes after The Kid when she steals his prized car.

E. Dramatic Question: Will The Kid get caught and have to face up to her actions? Will The Kid and The Dad reconnect with each other?

F. Main Conflict: The cops and The Boss’ gang trying to catch her. Her father wanting her to turn her in.

G. Dilemma: To maintain control or maintain the relationship

H. Theme: We are our parent’s children

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From blaming others to accepting responsibility.

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Lamborghini Countach and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement, with the dad left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The Dad chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops, so that he can mend the relationship he didn’t know was broken.

5. Mid-Point – The Boss puts a hit on The Kid.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid goes after The Boss before turning herself in to the cops.

9. Resolution – The Kid goes to prison, and years later she sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory by becoming a stunt driving instructor.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web

1. What I learned doing this assignment is….how to effectively root out problems with the concept early in the process. I’m also glad I’m working with at least three concepts because each are teaching me something different. My first concept was a struggle, and I ultimately started over. But what came out of this process ultimately made for a more clear and simple horror story, which was sorely needed. My second concept, which was by far the most developed coming into this, made through the passes just fine. Only a couple items needed further development. My third concept has felt like it matches up the most with how this class is supposed to work. One reason is because it originated from this course (It is completely new coming into this/no baggage). Because of this, I’ve learned a lot from it and how doing this early on can prevent a lot of headache down the road.

(Note: Abandoning the OLD TESTAMENT BAND concept due to time. I think the concept holds promise and I love the conversation/dilemma of “turning the other cheek” versus defending oneself/seeking justice. It’s a real conversation that I feel is swept under the rug a lot, particularly for a nation founded on Judeo-Christian principles that has the most advanced military in history (the irony is palpable). But making the concept of a “John Wick, but with a Christian Rock Band” approachable for general audiences is asking a lot right now while working with the three other projects. Maybe next time.)

OPEN WIDE

2. BEFORE:

Concept:

When a government agent accidentally creates a breach in their designated bunker, she must help save the lives she’s put in danger of both the hostile aliens and the inbound target bomb on their complex.

Lead Characters:

The Grandmother Spy (Jude) – matriarch of the community that’s also their betrayer.

The Loyalist Smuggler – a “rules for thee, but not for me” type of scoundrel.

The Pacifist Super Soldier – a veteran hiding from the Hegemony that exploited their potential.

Plot/Structure:

Plot # 5: Escape

1. (Active) Opening – A Grandmother wakes up to an alarm warning residents of an alien outbreak. She and the rest of the residents take refuge in a bunker, but one of the residents with them is infected.

2. Inciting Incident – The grandmother pulls out a handcrafted pistol and kills the infected before it has a chance to kill her, but by doing so creates a breach. Now when the site is bombed, the chemicals will penetrate into the bunker and wipe out the remaining survivors.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The grandmother reveals her true identity as a spy for the Hegemony, sent to cover up the source of the alien outbreaks. Now, she is directly responsible for saving the residents her actions have put in harm’s way.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The initial plan to seal the breach fails. Now, the survivors have no choice but to escape from the bunker.

5. Mid-Point – The resident pacifist that has refused to take part in any previous action reveals herself to be a former Super Soldier, when she takes out several of the aliens.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – On the way out of the doomed complex, the Grandmother and several others are gassed and rendered unconscious.

7. Crisis – The Smuggler reveals himself as a loyalist to the Hegemony, using his reputation as a means of capturing dissenters. He manipulates the pacifist super soldier’s programming to kill the other residents one by one.

8. Climax – The grandmother spy, who is good at her job, releases the trap she’s set earlier and kills the Smuggler. She’s able to save the pacifist and another resident, but the rest of the community has perished.

9. Resolution – The grandmother is able to lead the two other survivors out of the doomed building and onto an escape ship to get off world, moments before the complex is bombed.

Character Arc:

Jude goes from deceiving her community to fighting for it

Main Conflict:

Smuggler is better at deceiving her community than she is/alien parasitic worms

Dramatic Question:

Can Jude regain the trust of her community and save them?

Dilemma:

Jude must choose between her community of piers and the Hegemony that enlisted her to betray them.

Theme:

“The better the liar, the better the monster.” or “The truth shall set you free.”

3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

(TLDR: Protagonist isn’t active enough, or turns way too fast. Parts work well on their own, but don’t complement each other to make for a stronger cinematic experience.)

Honestly, when I first started working on this, I had the pacifist as the main protagonist, with the smuggler as a red herring protagonist and the grandmother more as the antagonist. However, since going through the different steps of this course, the idea of a government agent turning against the government they sweared fealty to in order to protect their piers was really appealing to me. Not to mention, the whole dynamic of the people you think you know (the suave smuggler being the bad guy, or the pacifist being the most capable and dangerous amongst us) serving a underlying role was a fascinating one and I think elevates the theme more. But, what could work better is if these characters did take a more active role that hit that thematic point a little harder. I like “The better the liar, the better the monster” more than “The truth shall set you free.” It feels more aggressive while still saying the latter by default. I do think the main issue with Jude’s dilemma is that it requires her to turn pretty fast (as early as the first act turning point) compared to where she just was, if the main conflict is to remain the same. I like the conflict of an agent trying to win back the trust of people, but again, I don’t know that I’d buy that turn so soon. I mean, would I believe an NSA agent would all of a sudden just say, “Screw the US, I’m going to care for the average citizen” (Well, besides Snowden)? Actually, that could be interesting parallel to lean on for this story, if it’s not too controversial. If the dilemma of “Country versus Countrymen” were to work, the “Country” part would need to play a bigger role in the story. Flashbacks may be the easiest way to solve this, but it’s an incredibly lazy solution that doesn’t really involve them in the main conflict (it’s just a narrative trick). In order to earn that turn, I have to push Jude to reveal “national secrets” as it were. So, I have three different elements that all work well on their own, but don’t quite fit to elevate each other. Hmmm. If I lean into the “Better the liar, the better the monster” theme by using a Whodunit format, would it feel too similar to THE THING or more recent games like AMONG US or PUSH THE BUTTON? Also, how sympathetic a character is Jude if her best weapon is that she can out-deceive the antagonist Smuggler. HOLD ON! If I do lean into the AMONG US concept, but inverse it (Not finding the alien among us, but the human) what does THAT look like??? It’d be a contained script, similar in tone to the book I AM LEGEND. [Quickly SparkNotes the book] The concept completely changes, along with…well…everything else, but the theme remains intact and the concept may be stronger.

4. AFTER:

Concept:

A sole survivor is stuck in a bunker of body snatching aliens, but they don’t know who amongst them is the real human.

Lead Characters:

JUDE: One of only two survivors in a bunker of ravenous, body-snatching aliens, and tries to kill the other aliens before she and her daughter can be killed. Infiltration Specialist turned monster of monsters

PACK LEADER: Alpha of the aliens and tries to establish a secure home for his pack.

Plot/Structure:

#12 Transformation

1. Opening: A space colony is awakened by an alarm warning of an alien outbreak. The colonists take refuge in a bunker, but on of the residents with them is infected.

2. Inciting Incident: The colony is wiped out, becoming infected by parasitic aliens, with the exception of one parent and child.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about; How will the parent survive surrounded by hostile aliens?

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Jude sets off the distress signal to bring help…Jude kills her first alien…Jude engages with the other aliens.

5. Mid-Point: Jude discovers that aliens are stowed away on certain colony vessels to make room for new colonies and wipe out “undesirables.” The help that’s coming are actually exterminators to wipe out any survivors…Jude finds another survivor…The aliens suspect one of their own.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive with a hostile force…Jude is found out.

7. Crisis: The child is surrounded and prepared for extermination…The aliens go looking for the child…Jude is trapped.

8. Climax: The parent kills a liquidator and steals their suit to sneak into the battleship and get off world…Jude kills the remaining aliens.

9. Resolution: The parent and child stow away with the liquidators, just like the aliens stowed away on their vessel. She has become the apex monster.

Character Arc:

From fearful of the monsters to the monster among monsters.

Main Conflict:

The aliens looking for traces of humanity.

Dramatic Question:

Will Jude be found out as a human.

Dilemma:

Give in to the infection (peace) or fight on (war)…To risk being found out in finding a cure for her crew or kill them quickly…To protect her child or save herself…

Theme:

“The better the liar, the better the monster.”

5. FURTHER DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

(TLDR: Had to go back to the roots and work from there)

Okay, this is very different and there are a couple issues right off the bat. First, the positives. This is a more active protagonist, and the movie trailer/concept feels stronger. Now, the negatives. The theme just doesn’t work without this turning into a comedy. I mean, inverting the concept of finding the monster among us works if the monsters have some semblance of sentience. If a monster were to start communicating in english, they lose a lot of that “monster” aspect. Also, I’ve seen humans pretend to be the monsters. It was hysterical in SHAWN OF THE DEAD. So, the question to ask is what we have left and what really draws me to this idea (back to the roots). Honestly, I first came up with this about a year or so ago. After work, I was so frustrated by not writing for a living, that I went on a creative writing tantrum where in the space of a few hours, I’d written 17 pages with no outlining or plan. Going back to that point, and ignoring some of the other ideas I came up with to keep the story moving, the core of this is one to a couple people against a world of hostile alien parasites/bodysnatchers. That’s it. The political intrigue is nice flavoring, but it wasn’t what drew me to writing this originally, and it may be more of a distraction from the original, simple concept. The other part that was added in for context of where the aliens came from was also interesting. We are the cause of the alien outbreaks by wiping out keystone alien species that kept the parasites in check. That aspect of how we affect nature in a tangible way (Fire Ants and Killer Bees as invasive species) is also too engaging to be left out of this story. That leaves us the concept: One person vs. a horde of alien parasites, and the world building: aliens are invasive species, or alien nature gone awry from our tampering. The brainstorming from the previous step did give me a different angle to look at this story with (“I AM LEGEND in Space” or the human hunting the aliens in the dark instead of the other way around). Let’s go through this one for time and keep it simple.

6. AFTER AFTER

Concept:

An infiltration specialist must get his/her infected daughter off world to save her.

Lead Characters:

JUDE: One of only two survivors in a bunker of ravenous, body-snatching aliens, and tries to kill the other aliens before she and her daughter can be killed. Infiltration Specialist turned monster of monsters

Plot/Structure:

#12 Transformation

1. Opening: A space colony is awakened by an alarm warning of an alien outbreak. The colonists take refuge in a bunker, but one of the residents with them is infected.

2. Inciting Incident: The colony is wiped out, becoming infected by parasitic aliens, with the exception of one parent and child.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about; How will the parent survive surrounded by hostile aliens?

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Jude sets off the distress signal to bring help and kills her first alien.

5. Mid-Point: Jude discovers his/her child is infected as a brood mother.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Jude places his/her child in cryo-sleep. Jude is going to sneak his/her child onto the incoming ship.

7. Crisis: The help that’s arriving are liquidators, sent to kill both the aliens and any survivors.

8. Climax: Jude kills a liquidator and steals their suit to sneak bother him/her and the child into the battleship and get off world…Jude kills the remaining aliens.

9. Resolution: Jude and the infected child stow away with the liquidators and are headed for Earth.

Character Arc:

From fearful of the monsters to the monster among monsters.

Main Conflict:

The aliens and liquidators.

Dramatic Question:

Will Jude and his/her child survive?

Dilemma:

Save the child or contain the spread.

Theme:

Nature’s need to persist is universal and sometimes monstrous.

POSSESSING EDEN

2. BEFORE:

Concept:

An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

Lead Characters:

JANUS – Created to have dominion over Adam’s world, but seeks redemption after Adam shows her how to duplicate herself, which results in murder.

COPY – Janus’ duplicate/alter ego that manipulates and eventually tries to destroy her.

ADAM – Created a world in his image after first feeling rejected by GOD. Now, he feels rejection from his own creation.

Plot/Structure:

#1 Quest

1. (Active) Opening – Janus (protagonist) saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld.

2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself, but, unknown to her, in doing so also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal her creator’s (Adam/Antagonist) code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use the code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes. Adam casts her as a fallen angel to his followers and vows to eliminate her. She is subsequently captured by forces from the underworld.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues a guide (Calvex) to the underworld from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart. Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy.

7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died. Janus uploads him through the Afterlife Protocol, but Adam vows to “do what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

Character Arc:

Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness

Main Conflict:

Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt)

Dramatic Question:

Will Janus find redemption?

Dilemma:

To seek redemption by going against her creator, or accept absolution by sacrificing herself to either her creator or guilt.

Theme:

Redemption is found within.

3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

(TLDR: This is the most developed concept by far. Minor tune ups to one character.)

Not gonna lie, I love the hell out of this concept. It was radically different before the Writing Killer Action course, and that was after elevating that script for near a year and a half, as well as mulling over it for another six years. I’ve thought about tailoring the concept to involve fewer religious motifs, but I don’t know that I like it as much or that it works as well. The whole theme/idea is that self healing has to come from…well…the self. It can’t necessarily come from any external force alone. Maybe that specific area is something I could work on. The character of Calvex plays an important role in the plot structure, but isn’t even mentioned in the character descriptions. What I could do is make his role clearer. He used to be a rather passive protagonist in earlier drafts, but using him as a guide similar to Charon or Virgil is a great addition to the established mythical/religious motifs. If I were to lean into him being a spiritual guide as well, it could make that dynamic triangle that includes Janus and her Copy interesting for any scenes where Adam isn’t involved.

4. AFTER:

Concept:

An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

Lead Characters:

JANUS – Created to have dominion over Adam’s world, but seeks redemption after Adam shows her how to duplicate herself, which results in murder.

COPY – Janus’ duplicate/alter ego that manipulates and eventually tries to destroy her.

ADAM – Created a world in his image after first feeling rejected by GOD. Now, he feels rejection from his own creation.

CALVEX – A guide for both the Underworld and, eventually, Janus’ psyche. He tries to shepherd much of the underworld through an experimental voice box.

Plot/Structure:

#1 Quest

1. (Active) Opening – Janus (protagonist) saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld.

2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself, but, unknown to her, in doing so also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal her creator’s (Adam/Antagonist) code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use the code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes. Adam casts her as a fallen angel to his followers and vows to eliminate her. She is subsequently captured by forces from the underworld.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues a guide (Calvex) to the underworld from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart. Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy.

7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died. Janus uploads him through the Afterlife Protocol, but Adam vows to “do what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

Character Arc:

Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness

Main Conflict:

Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt)

Dramatic Question:

Will Janus find redemption?

Dilemma:

To seek redemption by going against her creator, or accept absolution by sacrificing herself to either her creator or guilt.

Theme:

Redemption is found within.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

2. BEFORE:

Concept:

A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

Lead Characters:

THE KID: An elite driver that commits grand theft auto on a regular basis behind her family’s back, and one day messes with the wrong man.

THE DAD: A defensive driving instructor that has tried to control most aspects of his life, including his daughter’s, for the sake of safety.

THE BOSS: A Crime boss and avid car lover who was once a getaway driver goes after The Kid when she steals his prized car.

Plot/Structure:

#13 Maturation

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Maserati and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement. Now the dad is left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The dad has a choice: turn his daughter in, or try to mend the relationship that was lost. He chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops.

5. Mid-Point – Turns out the Maserati the Kid stole belonged to a drug lord, and he put a hit on the Kid. Now the Kid sees her actions have consequences that affect her family.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid turns herself in, but on the condition that she help take down the drug lord.

9. Resolution – The Kid avenges her father and goes to prison. She sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory.

Character Arc:

From blaming others to accepting responsibility.

Main Conflict:

The cops and Boss’ gang trying to catch her/her father wanting her to turn her in.

Dramatic Question:

Will The Kid get caught and have to face up to her actions? Will the Dad reconnect with his daughter?

Dilemma:

To continue living free but on the run, or accepting responsibility but keeping your family safe.

Theme:

Passion must be balanced with Responsibility

3. DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

(TLDR: Dilemma and Theme needed work. Focussed them on the child and parent’s relationship for a more cohesive and powerful story.)

This has developed into something I’m really falling in love with. That said, I think what I really love is the relationship between The Dad and The Kid, and the visual arc that occurs with the two of them. The Kid goes from unable to accept accountability, wanting to hold onto their perceived last semblance of freedom, to becoming her father in a small way. Likewise, the Dad goes from controlling his daughter to accepting her. The Dad dying feels right for the story, as it further enhances the Kid’s journey to adulthood (the idea of living and supporting ourselves when the illusion of our parent’s invincibility and omnipresence is broken). The weak parts of this story still feel like they can be found in the villain, The Boss, and the theme. I think the dramatic question is fine so long as I don’t overcomplicate it. So, what to do with the Theme and Dilemma? I think the Kid’s journey is a strong one, so the theme should support that: “We are our parent’s children/dreams.” So, now I need to have the Dilemma support everything else. To live on the run and risk your loved ones versus accepting responsibility to keep your loved ones safe feels a little too vague and wordy as it’s written. Plus, the Kid could just drop her dad off at any time and continue her running. If the theme of “We are our parent’s children” is to persist, then the Kid should have a controlling nature similar to her father’s. So, the dilemma could be a shared one between the two, or it could involve the main villain more. Will the Kid get out of the trouble she’s in (Conflict)? Being a passenger (supportive) versus being the driver (in control) (Dilemma). Literally, the dilemma both characters face is between losing control or losing the relationship.

4. AFTER:

Concept:

A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. The two now have to mend the relationship that was broken, while on the run from cops and robbers alike.

Lead Characters:

THE KID: An elite driver that commits grand theft auto on a regular basis behind her family’s back, and one day messes with the wrong man.

THE DAD: A defensive driving instructor that has tried to control most aspects of his life, including his daughter’s, for the sake of safety.

THE BOSS: A Crime boss and avid car lover who specializes in major grand theft auto operations goes after The Kid when she steals his prized car.

Plot/Structure:

#13 Maturation

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Maserati and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement. Now the dad is left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The dad has a choice: turn his daughter in, or try to mend the relationship that was lost. He chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops.

5. Mid-Point – Turns out the Maserati the Kid stole belonged to a drug lord, and he put a hit on the Kid. Now the Kid sees her actions have consequences that affect her family.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid turns herself in, but on the condition that she help take down the drug lord.

9. Resolution – The Kid avenges her father and goes to prison. She sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory.

Character Arc:

From blaming others to accepting responsibility.

Main Conflict:

The cops and Boss’ gang trying to catch her/her father wanting her to turn her in.

Dramatic Question:

Will The Kid get caught and have to face up to her actions? Will the two reconnect with each other?

Dilemma:

To maintain control or maintain the relationship

Theme:

We are our parent’s children

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Added “TLDR” to the “DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS” sections

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s SLW Version 1

(Note: I’m working with three different concepts. Feel free to pick just one to exchange feedback on and ignore the other two if you wish.)

OPEN WIDE

A. Concept: An infiltration specialist must get his/her infected daughter off world to save her from becoming an alien brood mother.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation

C. Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

D. Lead Characters:

1. Jude is an infiltration specialist who protects his/her daughter, and is willing to sacrifice Earth in order to save her.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Jude and his/her daughter survive?

F. Main Conflict: The aliens and liquidators

G. Dilemma: Save the child or contain the spread?

H. Theme: Nature’s will to persist is universal and sometimes monstrous

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From fearful of the monsters to the one monsters fear.

1. Opening: A space colony takes refuge in a bunker after an alert sounds warning of an alien outbreak, but one of the residents with them is infected.

2. Inciting Incident: The colony is wiped out, becoming infected by parasitic aliens, with the exception of one parent and child.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: How will the parent survive being surrounded by hostile aliens?

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Jude sets off the distress signal to bring help and kills her first alien.

5. Mid-Point: Jude discovers his/her child is infected as a brood mother.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Jude places his/her child in cryo-sleep and plans to sneak his/her child onto the incoming ship.

7. Crisis: The help that’s arriving are liquidators, sent to kill both the aliens and any survivors.

8. Climax: Jude kills the remaining aliens and a liquidator, stealing their suit to sneak both him/herself and the child into the spaceship and get off world.

9. Resolution: Jude and the infected child stow away with the liquidators and are headed for Earth.

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept: An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone to create a copy of herself.

2. Adam is a computer virus that created the world of the story after feeling rejected by GOD, and who attacks Janus after feeling rejected by her.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that represents Janus’ guilt and tries to manipulate and even destroy her.

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld and tries to heal Janus.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus find redemption?

F. Main Conflict: Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt).

G. Dilemma: To seek redemption by going against her creator, or accept absolution by sacrificing herself to either her creator or guilt.

H. Theme: Redemption is found within.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness

1. (Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself under Adam’s guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues Calvex, a guide to the underworld, from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart, but Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead.

7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died, thus prompting Janus to upload him through the Afterlife Protocol, much to the ire of Adam who vows to “do what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

A. Concept: A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

B. Plot Choice: #13 Maturation

C. Character Structure: #2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters:

1. The Kid is an elite driver that commits grand theft auto on a regular basis behind her family’s back, but one day messes with the wrong man.

2. The Dad is a defensive driving instructor that has tried to control most aspects of his life, including his daughter’s, for the sake of safety.

3. The Boss is a crime boss that specializes in grand theft auto who goes after The Kid when she steals his prized car.

E. Dramatic Question: Will The Kid get caught and have to face up to her actions? Will The Kid and The Dad reconnect with each other?

F. Main Conflict: The cops and The Boss’ gang trying to catch her. Her father wanting her to turn her in.

G. Dilemma: To maintain control or maintain the relationship

H. Theme: We are our parent’s children

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From blaming others to accepting responsibility.

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Lamborghini Countach and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement, with the dad left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The Dad chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops, so that he can mend the relationship he didn’t know was broken.

5. Mid-Point – The Boss puts a hit on The Kid.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid goes after The Boss before turning herself in to the cops.

9. Resolution – The Kid goes to prison, and years later she sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory by becoming a stunt driving instructor.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Cameron Martin.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s 1st Pass

What I learned doing this assignment is…how quickly you can get in an editing rut when you realize certain marks you need to hit just aren’t there, and you have to go back continuously and set them up. I realize this is a first pass attempt, but man.

Luckily, I remembered that I had a “Cheat Sheet” that I developed years ago by combining the strategies from “Save the Cat,” “Story,” “Anatomy of Story,” Dan Harmon’s Story Wheel and so forth. That was handy for jotting down quick ideas on what beats to hit and where, and I’ve included them below at the beginning of each description (For OPEN WIDE and GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP). I hope this doesn’t jeopardize the lesson needing to be learned, Hal. My apologies if it did.

Also, the previous assignment really helped when brainstorming this one, and the following morning when considering what I’d written. I mean, ALIENS is a really simple structure with easily identifiable motifs. But like a hit rock song, it focuses on hitting those notes to perfection, rather than trying too hard to do too much (Look at the band Rush’s album “Hemispheres” in comparison to their album “Moving Pictures.” Not taking anything away from the brilliance of “Hemispheres,” but “Moving Pictures” was more approachable for a reason). So when looking at my outline the next day, it was fun to look for ways to really focus the structure on something easily identifiable (“The Truth will set you Free”) and see how to bring it out in interesting and hard-hitting ways in the following passes.

I managed to fill out two of my concepts while adapting the third over from the Writing Killer Action course. I hope to work the fourth one and get that finished soon as well.

OPEN WIDE

Logline/Concept –

When a government agent accidentally creates a breach in their designated bunker, she must help save the lives she’s put in danger of both the hostile aliens and the inbound target bomb on their complex.

Plot Choice and Summary –

Escape: Your hero is confined against his will (often unjustly) and wants to escape. In this case, the hero is the victim. The natural progression: imprisonment, initial attempts to escape fail, new plan is made that is also thwarted, and finally, the actual escape.

Structure –

1. (Active) Opening – A Grandmother wakes up to an alarm warning residents of an alien outbreak. She and the rest of the residents take refuge in a bunker, but one of the residents with them is infected.

2. Inciting Incident – The grandmother pulls out a handcrafted pistol and kills the infected before it has a chance to kill her, but by doing so creates a breach. Now when the site is bombed, the chemicals will penetrate into the bunker and wipe out the remaining survivors.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The grandmother reveals her true identity as a spy for the Hegemony, sent to cover up the source of the alien outbreaks. Now, she is directly responsible for saving the residents her actions have put in harm’s way.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The initial plan to seal the breach fails. Now, the survivors have no choice but to escape from the bunker.

5. Mid-Point – The resident pacifist that has refused to take part in any previous action reveals herself to be a former Super Soldier, when she takes out several of the aliens.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – On the way out of the doomed complex, the Grandmother and several others are gassed and rendered unconscious.

7. Crisis – The Smuggler reveals himself as a loyalist to the Hegemony, using his reputation as a means of capturing dissenters. He manipulates the pacifist super soldier’s programming to kill the other residents one by one.

8. Climax – The grandmother spy, who is good at her job, releases the trap she’s set earlier and kills the Smuggler. She’s able to save the pacifist and another resident, but the rest of the community has perished.

9. Resolution – The grandmother is able to lead the two other survivors out of the doomed building and onto an escape ship to get off world, moments before the complex is bombed.

Protagonist Character Arc –

Jude goes from deceiving her community to fighting for it.

Part to be Changed: Jude’s ties to the Hegemony.

Biggest Fear: That her efforts are in vain or Telling the Truth

Completion of the Arc: She kills an assassin of the government, and uploads her documents to the net.

(Note: It’s difficult coming to this after watching ALIENS. The character arc in that film is so simple, and it’s one of the reasons it’s as powerful as it is. I’ve got to find a way to make my protagonist’s journey as primal and universal as I can. Maybe leaning in hard into the “The Truth will set you Free” theme?)

Plot in Structure –

1. (Active) Opening – A Grandmother wakes up to an alarm warning residents of an alien outbreak. She and the rest of the residents take refuge in a bunker, but one of the residents with them is infected.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Something’s very wrong, and our seemingly feeble old lady is scared to death. An alien outbreak is reported.

INT. APARTMENT HALLS – NIGHT (CONT.)

(Establish the Ordinary World) Introduced to several characters in passing as everyone evacuates to a bunker. Establish some of the rules of the world – No weapons of any kind allowed, who’s who (The grandmother/matriarch, the smuggler, the pacifist, the carpenter, the doctor, the leader, the veteran, the teacher, etc.)

INT. DECONTAMINATION ROOM

(Them Stated) One of the residents gets targeted, but convinces the others to check again and let him through.

INT. BUNKER – NIGHT

(Set Up) Everyone settles down after being checked out. Then, the same one who was let through proves to be infected and goes on a rampage.

2. Inciting Incident – The grandmother pulls out a handcrafted pistol and kills the infected before it has a chance to kill her, but by doing so creates a breach. Now when the site is bombed, the chemicals will penetrate into the bunker and wipe out the remaining survivors.

INT. BUNKER – NIGHT

(Call to Adventure) The old lady, Jude, crafts a pistol from scraps in the bunker and shoots the infected, killing it and also creating a breach in the bunker.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The grandmother reveals her true identity as a spy for the Hegemony, sent to cover up the source of the alien outbreaks. Now, she is directly responsible for saving the residents her actions have put in harm’s way.

INT. BUNKER – NIGHT

(Refusal of the Call) Debrief – who is Jude really and why does she know how to make an illegal weapon, let alone use one? Jude offers no information.

CONT.

(Meeting with the Mentor) Debrief – how to cover the breach?

Jude tries to connect with one of the residents, but her deceit has made her a pariah – she will have to win their trust before she can redeem herself.

CONT.

Smuggler works with Jude, recognizing crafting skill, to seal the breach properly, along with other residents.

CONT.

(Catalyst) The device to help seal the breach is set up, but a catastrophic failure blows a bigger hole into the bunker, exposing the residents to worms. The residents fight back, except for the pacifist who flees. Jude saves a child, creating a small bond.

CONT.

(Debate) Can Jude be trusted? She’s blamed for the failure of the breach sealer.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The initial plan to seal the breach fails. Now, the survivors have no choice but to escape from the bunker.

CONT.

(Acceptance of the Call) Jude tells the truth: she’s a spy. Jude vows to save the community.

CONT.

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor sacrifice) Debrief – new plan must be conceived to escape. Jude offers top secret training and a way off world, jeopardizing her situation with the Hegemony she represents.

CONT.

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Jude begins to train other residents how to craft and handle weapons.

INT. BUNKER / VENTS

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate sacrifice) Scouting Party goes out and bags their first worm, but at the cost of one of their own.

INT. LIVING QUARTERS

(Reaping the Reward) Scouting Party recovers both Jude’s file and the keys needed to the escape craft.

INT. VENTS

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Party is redirected away from possible hazards…right into a worm nest. They all die and are turned into infected.

5. Mid-Point – The resident pacifist that has refused to take part in any previous action reveals herself to be a former Super Soldier, when she takes out several of the aliens.

INT. BUNKER

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) Worms reek havoc on residents. Pacifist reveals herself as a super soldier, saving Jude, the smugger, the child, and two others.

CONT.

(Securing the Maguffin or Refusing Temptation) Jude’s data and way off world is secured. Quick regroup before running out.

INT. VENTS / HALLWAYS

(Bad Guys Close In) The survivors head out. The clock is ticking.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – On the way out of the doomed complex, the Grandmother and several others are gassed and rendered unconscious.

INT. GAS CHAMBER

(All is Lost) The Smuggler puts on a gas mask and betrays the survivors.

7. Crisis – The Smuggler reveals himself as a loyalist to the Hegemony, using his reputation as a means of capturing dissenters. He manipulates the pacifist super soldier’s programming to kill the other residents one by one.

INT. TORTURE ROOM

(Dark Night of the Soul) The smuggler reveals true colors – He’s a Hegemony loyalist that uses the smuggler reputation to eliminate dissenters.

CONT.

(Prepare for Battle/Maguffin comes into Play) Pacifist is turned against the party through Super Soldier programming.

CONT.

(Execution of Plan A) The first victim is killed by the Pacifist.

CONT.

(False Victory) The Smuggler asks Jude, the spy who betrayed the Hegemony, if she has any last words.

8. Climax – The grandmother spy, who is good at her job, releases the trap she’s set earlier and kills the Smuggler. She’s able to save the pacifist and another resident, but the rest of the community has perished.

CONT.

(Falling into the Trap) Jude sets off the trap she’s been setting up since the breach sealing device first failed. She knew the smuggler was no good.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Worms break in and kill the smuggler.

INT. TORTURE ROOM / HALLWAYS

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) Jude leads survivors out with the Pacifist, still under the smuggler’s programming, hot on their tails.

CONT.

(Final Battle/Greatest Sacrifice) Jude fights the Super Soldier Pacifist and manages to reprogram him/her, literally fighting and erasing the Hegemony from within the Pacifist.

9. Resolution – The grandmother is able to lead the two other survivors out of the doomed building and onto an escape ship to get off world, moments before the complex is bombed.

INT/EXT ESCAPE SHIP

(Self Revelation/Realizing or Damning the Soul) Jude saves as many as she could, taking off with them aboard her escape craft and getting off world, with the gas explosion in the background.

INT. COCKPIT

(Closing Image) Jude uploads files to the net, revealing hers and the Hegemony’s darkest secrets to the public. She’s a freedom fighter now.

POSSESSING EDEN

(Note: This outline was pulled from the “Writing Killer Action” Class and formatted to the parameters of this assignment.)

Logline –

An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

Plot/Plot Summary –

Quest: The protagonist goes off in search of something extremely important to him or her. The story is about the character who makes the search, not about the thing they are searching for.

Often, the quest comes full circle and sees the hero return to the place they began, but something is very different about them — sometimes physically, but always an increase in wisdom.

Structure –

1. (Active) Opening – Janus (protagonist) saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld.

2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself, but, unknown to her, in doing so also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal her creator’s (Adam/Antagonist) code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use the code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes. Adam casts her as a fallen angel to his followers and vows to eliminate her. She is subsequently captured by forces from the underworld.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues a guide (Calvex) to the underworld from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart. Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy.

7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died. Janus uploads him through the Afterlife Protocol, but Adam vows to “do what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

Protagonist Character Arc –

Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness

Part to be changed: Belief that Forgiveness and Redemption must be attained externally.

Biggest Fear: That she can and will kill again.

Completion of Arc: Janus accepts herself and her past, and is willing to sacrifice herself for love instead of self loathing.

Plot in Structure –

1. (Active) Opening – Janus (protagonist) saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld.<div>

INT. RUINED LOBBY

We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s a dark, maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, along with what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of the child’s parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves this little boy from the killer robot.

(Note: Possessing means she not only hacks the machine, but penetrates it and wraps the armor of the robot around her, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.)

CONT.

The boy is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. The boy is from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked.

INT. ELEVATOR / TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

INT. VOID

Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld: the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

CONT.

Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself, but, unknown to her, in doing so also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

INT. TOP FLOOR PENTHOUSE

Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told that duplicating herself would bring a permanent end to the host in a world where death should be impossible.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal her creator’s (Adam/Antagonist) code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use the code in order to resurrect her victim.

(Note – Yeah, this ain’t happening by page 10. Looking at THE MATRIX’s solution to this problem may yield a solution. The question “What is the Matrix?” or “What in the hell did I just watch?” provides enough intrigue for the audience until we get to the meat and potatoes of the plot deep into the second act. I’ll see what I can figure out for this outline in follow up passes.)

INT. JANUS’ ROOM

Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring the victim back. She makes a plan with her Copy to bring the person she killed back to life.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent data within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the information that once made up the consciousness of the individual.

INT. TOP FLOOR MAINFRAME

Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

INT. STAIRWELL

Janus and Copy fight Janus’ siblings on their way down the first 9 floors.

INT. LOBBY

Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes. Adam casts her as a fallen angel to his followers and vows to eliminate her. She is subsequently captured by forces from the underworld.

INT. LOBBY

Janus and her Copy cross into the Underworld, choosing to do what’s right based on their own morality, instead of opting for the easy way offered by Janus’ creator.

INT. VOID

Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

INT. PENTHOUSE

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by GOD, long ago. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

INT. HIDEOUT

Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SECOND FLOOR

Janus and Copy confront cyborg slavers and are captured.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PRISON CELLS

Janus and Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide them through the underworld, if they can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “Voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

CONT.

Janus secures the Voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

CONT.

Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues a guide (Calvex) to the underworld from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

INT. UNDERWORLD – THIRD FLOOR – PIT

Janus and her Copy fight through, recovering one of Janus’ arms that was torn off, and giving the Voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with the two Januses.

INT. PENTHOUSE

Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed.

CONT.

One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

INT. UNDERWORLD – FIFTH FLOOR

Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex.

CONT.

The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies again. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SIXTH FLOOR – HUNTING GROUNDS

Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to calm her nerves and show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before…

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

While the Copy stays with the village to guard it.

CONT.

Copy defends the village from Adam’s Guardian Angels who tell her she shouldn’t even be in the underworld, and offer a place in Arcadia as Janus’ replacement on the condition of killing her counterpart.

CONT.

Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy.

CONT.

Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. The rift between the two Januses widens.

INT. UNDERWORLD – EIGHT AND NINTH FLOORS – CONT.

Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Adam snaps the trap, playing a trick on the two Januses by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy. Janus is mentally broken, and her Copy makes her decision.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart. Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy.

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

The Copy attacks Janus. Janus holds her own to defend Calvex, but her copy begins to duplicate herself amongst the dead robots and overwhelm Janus. Meanwhile, Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is about to be killed by her dark side.

CONT.

Calvex is able to save Janus at the last moment, but at the cost of his own life.

CONT.

Janus influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died. Janus uploads him through the Afterlife Protocol, but Adam vows to “do what gods do.”

INT. UNDERWORLD – NINTH FLOOR

Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol. But a firewall created by Adam prevents her from resurrecting her friend. If Calvex is to be brought back to life, Janus must eliminate her creator, Adam.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE

Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

INT. TOP FLOOR – PENTHOUSE

Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen.

INT. UNDERWORLD – SEVENTH FLOOR – VILLAGE – COMMS ROOM

He threatens Janus to never return, or he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

CONT.

Janus must choose whether to save Calvex or risk everyone else’s doom. Janus chooses to take action, believing the means justify the ends.

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

INT. UNDERWORLD – MULTIPLE FLOORS

Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam.

INT. STAIRWELL

Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 upper floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

INT. VENTS

Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept.

INT. TOP FLOOR – ENTRANCE

Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

INT. TOP FLOOR – MAINFRAME

Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

INT. CYBERSPACE

Adam reveals to Janus that in order to kill him, she would have to erase her and her siblings’ code as well, since all of their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s been contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

CONT.

Janus sacrifices herself and kills Adam.

9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

INT/EXT. TOWER – METROPOLIS

The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is simply one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

Logline –

A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

Plot/Plot Summary –

Maturation: This plot is about growing from a naive life to a more experienced life. Often, it is about the process of going from child to adult.

Usually, you start by establishing their naive state. Create an incident that challenges her beliefs. The character often rejects the change. But as more evidence / experiences pile up, she is forced to go through the change in a gradual way. She doesn’t accomplish adulthood all at once, but each small lesson brings upheaval and then more understanding. In the end, she makes the change, but pays a price for it.

Structure –

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Maserati and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement. Now the dad is left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The dad has a choice: turn his daughter in, or try to mend the relationship that was lost. He chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops.

5. Mid-Point – Turns out the Maserati the Kid stole belonged to a drug lord, and he put a hit on the Kid. Now the Kid sees her actions have consequences that affect her family.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid turns herself in, but on the condition that she help take down the drug lord.

9. Resolution – The Kid avenges her father and goes to prison. She sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory.

Protagonist Character Arc –

(Note: Kinda brainstorming for this one a bit more, just to see what comes up)

This Kid goes from hiding her passion to embracing it…from lying to her father to being honest with him…from shirking responsibility to accepting it…from being afraid to go slow (impatient) to cruise control (patient/waiting for things to happen)…from repressing her desires to respecting them…from hating her father to loving her father…from blaming others to accepting responsibility…

Part to be changed: The Kid pushes her problems onto others…The Kid can’t stand to go slow…The Kid isn’t honest with herself or others…”It’s not my fault” is the default answer when things go wrong…
Biggest fear: Stuck in mediocrity…going slow…letting others down…forgetting who she is…Saying “no”…
Completion of arc: This Kid accepts accountability…The Kid sets the car (life) to cruise control and enjoys the ride…The Kid loves her father…The Kid loves/accepts herself…The Kid is willing to say “no” (respectfully)…The Kid goes to jail…The Kid becomes a driving instructor…The Kid hosts car shows or a motor club…

Plot in Structure –

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Maserati and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

INT. GARAGE – LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH – NIGHT

(Opening Image) Kid’s bright eyes, reflecting her innocence and immaturity. Hot wires the car to take it for a spin.

INT. GARAGE – NIGHT

(Establish the Ordinary World) Kid takes the car out slow at first.

EXT. GARAGE / GATE – NIGHT

Kid gets the car as far as the gate of a luxurious estate. She gets caught by the guard, but escapes anyway.

EXT. STREETS – NIGHT

Kid joyrides like it’s a video game, evading cops along the way.

EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Kid parks car and jumps the fence. Cops swarm neighbor’s house.

EXT. BACKYARDS – NIGHT

Kid parkours across neighbor’s yards.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – NIGHT

Kid hot-wires a sedan. Pulls out of driveway.

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Kid parks sedan in parking lot adjacent with another neighbor’s fence.

EXT. HOME BACKYARD / KID’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Follow Kid to their home, a couple houses down from parking lot.

INT. HOME – NIGHT

Kid sneaks into house, undetected. She got away with everything…for now.

INT. HOME – DAY

(Theme Stated) Kid goes downstairs in JROTC uniform. Dad and Kid talk about college choices and minor speeding ticket – Kid isn’t involved much in the conversation. Dad requires Kid go through defensive driving course with him. “Going too fast.”

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Set Up) Kid and Dad get into embarrassing car. Dad tells Kid how to do everything, even though we know Kid can handle a vehicle just fine.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

Kid is identified by a cop based on a camera image from the previous night. Lights go up.

CONT.

Dad tells Kid to pull over. Kid pulls over.

CONT.

Backups arrive suddenly. Cops all get out and draw weapons, making demands to “get out of the car with your hands up!”

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement. Now the dad is left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

INT/EXT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Call to Adventure and Denial of that Call) Kid makes a split decision, showing her dad that she’s a devil behind the wheel. Gets away from the cops.

CONT.

(Meeting with the Mentor) Kid confesses to Dad. Kid – “It’s not my fault.” Dad – “Where did I go wrong?” Showing difference in mindset between the two and what each has to figure out for the story.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The dad has a choice: turn his daughter in, or try to mend the relationship that was lost. He chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops.

EXT. GAS STATION – DAY

(Catalyst) Car is almost out of gas/Kid is forced to finally stop at gas station. Mom calls Dad and reveals the two are on TV and wanted, wants to know what’s going on.

INT. DRIVER’S ED CAR

(Debate) Dad discusses with mom whether to turn in daughter or not.

CONT.

(Acceptance of the Call) Dad hangs up, deciding to join Kid to find out what happened to his child.

INT. MOB BOSS’ OFFICE – DAY

(Crossing the Threshold with a minor Sacrifice) Kid and Dad appear on TV. Gate Guard confirms that the Kid on TV is the same one that stole the Mob Boss’ prized Countach. It’s personal.

EXT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER – DAY

Kid parks wanted car in lot behind diner.

INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL DINER – DAY

(First Trial/Forging Allies) Kid takes Dad to Ally. Hooks them up with burgers and a new car. Dad reminisces about diner being a favorite of theirs growing up.

EXT/INT. HOLE-IN-THE-WALL-DINER / ADJACENT CORNER STORE – DAY

(Second Trial/Escaping Death with a moderate Sacrifice) Cops and Mob catch up with Kid.

CONT.

(Reaping the Reward) Kid pulls out in owner’s Civic Type-R, outrunning everyone. Ally is brought in for questioning/killed by the mob.

INT. CIVIC TYPE-R – DAY

Kid and Dad get dressed in new clothes and disguises.

5. Mid-Point – Turns out the Maserati the Kid stole belonged to a drug lord, and he put a hit on the Kid. Now the Kid sees her actions have consequences that affect her family.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(Approach to the Inner Cave/Gaining Confidence) Kid and Dad flee to the Kid’s old school to hide out.

CONT.

(Midpoint/Moment of Death and Rebirth) “This is where it happened.” Kid reveals to Dad she was abused at school by classmates while teachers and admins looked the other way.

CONT.

(Securing the Maguffin or Refusing Temptation) Dad and Kid connect on the need to control their lives to avoid previous tragedy. New memory is made.

CONT.

(Bad Guys Close In) Mob and Cops close in when Janitor sees the Kid and Dad and calls them in.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

(All is Lost) Dad gets shot in the crossfire between the cops and the mob.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

INT/EXT. CIVIC TYPE-R – NIGHT

(Dark Night of the Soul) Kid takes Dad to Hospital.

EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Arrive at Hospital, but it’s too late. Kid takes off, running away.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid turns herself in, but on the condition that she help take down the drug lord.

EXT. INTERSTATE – NIGHT

(Prepare for Battle/Maguffin comes into Play) Kid calls 9-1-1. Promises to turn herself in if she can go after the Mob.

INT/EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

(Execution of Plan A) Kid goes after the Mob, leading Cops along the way.

CONT.

(False Victory) Kid makes it to warehouse, Cops search the premises for her and come across evidence of Mob’s efforts.

CONT.

(Falling into the Trap) Kid falls into trap set by Mob boss. Has to escape.

CONT.

(Opponent’s Victory at Hand) Mob Boss is a better driver than even the Kid. Runs her down and cripples her.

CONT.

(Hero Goes Alone/Last Ditch Effort) Kid is more reckless than Mob Boss, and gets the upper hand.

CONT.

Kid and Boss race. Kid wins.

9. Resolution – The Kid avenges her father and goes to prison. She sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory.

EXT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

Kid accepts the handcuffs. Goes willingly with cops.

EXT. DRIVING LOT

Kid’s eyes, now older, looking over a lot where she helps teens through driving courses.

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• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Formatting for greater clarity

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Favorite Movie Outline

What I learned doing this assignment is…Holy Crap! ALIENS is scary! I haven’t been able to watch it in years since the birth of my son, and I’ve forgotten how truly terrifying James Cameron’s movie is. In all seriousness, it was fun to slow it down and piece by piece put together how this movie works. It moves pretty fast because the scenes turn rapidly. There’s a lot going on in each scene, but the general rules used here are to take away as much as possible from our heroes while escalating the stakes as much as reasonable. This happens on a consistent basis throughout the movie. Only Ripley is built up, and it’s just enough to get by in the end. Meanwhile, everyone else is placed in worse and worse predicaments. What starts out as an optimistic war movie quickly turns into absolute horror when step by step the colonial marines have the odds stacked against them until the audience is absolutely sure of the terrible outcome to befall our heroes moments before it actually happens. From a surface view, the strategies are pretty ingenious and help keep this from being a run-of-the-mill shoot-‘em-up, and instead elevate it to the pinnacle of the Action/Horror genre. Also, the use of subtle motifs, like dreams, nightmares, and sleep, is an amazing tool to guide the audience through the story and leave them satisfied in the end.

Dramatic Question: Can Ripley end both the psychological and physical nightmare of the aliens.

Main Conflict: The full onslaught of the alien hive along with corporate greed

Dilemma: To save others and put herself in harm’s way (facing the nightmare head on) or abandoning others and running to safety (allowing the nightmare to persist)

Theme(s): Motherhood, corporate greed kills (continued from the first movie). The message the movie appears to support is that the love of a mother will overcome the worst imaginable obstacles.

EXT. SPACE – SPACESHIP

Establish tone and setting.

INT/EXT SPACE SHIP

Show that we’re picking up where we left off. Ice on everything implies time has passed, and the combination of a computer message and a larger docking vessel with a crew shows Ripley has been found.

Side note – Scanner design being reminiscent of a gun further establishes tone as different from its predecessor. This is going to be a WAR MOVIE, and the humans will be fully armed this time around.

EXT. SPACE STATION – EARTH

This is far in the future, if you’re new to this franchise. Space is the new frontier.

INT. SPACE STATION – MEDICAL BAY

Two things: One, Ripley’s fine but has been in space for 57 years, making this a soft reboot from Ridley Scott’s film. Two, Ripley’s haunted by the events that preceded this film, and she will struggle with and have to overcome the horrors she’s faced.

INT. BOARD ROOM

Ripley has no allies. No one believes her account of the events of the previous film, and one of her biggest enemies, just like in the previous film, is going to be the beuqacratic BS that allows the aliens to inflict harm in the first place.

INT. RIPLEY’S APARTMENT

“Call to Adventure” – Ripley is asked to return to the original site of the alien because contact with the colonists that have been there for 20 years has been lost. “Refusal of the Call” – Ripley understandably doesn’t want to go and relive the horror she narrowly escaped from, the same horror that still gives her nightmares.

INT. RIPLEY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

“Acceptance of the Call” – Ripley decides the only way to absolve herself from the nightmare is to help the Colonial Marines get rid of the aliens once and for all.

Side note – The use of sleep and dreams as a narrative tool is fantastic as an eventual bookend to this story.

EXT. BOMB-ASS SPACE SHIP

Further establish the tone of this movie – The marines are here to kick the alien’s asses, riding to the planet aboard a space ship that looks like an assault rifle.

INT. CRYO CHAMBER

It’s been a long flight; let’s meet the new crew that’s going to face the aliens!

INT. MESS HALL

The marines are a completely different group of people than the ones we’ve seen before: a bunch of overconfident meatheads (this is not going to go well…). Also, Ripley has a distrust of androids (again understandable) that will add further tension to the following scenes.

INT. HANGER BAY

Where to start? Lieutenant doesn’t know his crew (he’s very new), the marines are out of their league, and Ripley has earned zero respect for what she’s been through.

INT. HANGER BAY – LATER

Ripley is skilled with a loader (this may come in handy later. Wink, wink). Also, we get to see more of Ripley’s character as a pragmatist and someone who takes initiative with a quiet confidence, compared to the bravado of the marines.

INT/EXT. HANGER BAY / LOCKERS / DROP SHIP

Second Act Start: Lock and load! Let’s get some! We’re about to watch some certified bad asses do what they do best!! Right? Right??

Side note: Hudson – “We’re on the express elevator to hell!” (Foreshadowing)

Also, Wow! The lieutenant is BRAND NEW, fresh out the academy, and is a huge freaking liability with his lack of experience.

INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY COMPLEX

Marines in action at a site that should be bustling with activity, but not a soul is in sight (something’s not right). Damage and water dripping is a nice touch that screams “something bad and very violent happened here.” Also, the lack of activity or anything appearing on radar adds to the tension. We know people are dead, but where are the killers?

INT. SPACE COLONY – “SECURED”

Getting Ripley inside. Add to the mystery of what happened here – Why are face-huggers being studied? Wait, one’s still alive!? (set up for later)

INT. HALLWAYS

Something on radar…shit, shit, shit…SHIT! There’s a survivor, Newt.

INT. CUBICLES

Thousand yard stare from Newt – she knows what happened, and it was bad enough that it psychologically damaged her. Ripley’s motherly instincts make her the only one who has a chance to connect with her.

Side note – The extended cut establishes Ripley was a mother in the previous film, but the 57 year time jump means she missed out on raising her daughter. Newt is both a second chance for her, and a way for the theme of motherhood to be set up.

Newt not feeling safe with the marines (“It won’t make any difference”) tells the audience the marines are the underdogs, not the other way around. Nobody’s ass is getting kicked, and we’re about to see for ourselves what happened to the colonists.

Side note – This is what efficient writing looks like. So much is set up with one exchange between Ripley and Newt.

INT. LAB

Bishop studying a face-hugger. Makes us suspicious of Bishop, adding further tension to every scene he’s in.

INT. CUBICLES

Found the colonists…and probably where the action’s going to be.

INT. ROVER

Heading to the action. More character development from Newt – reassuring her doll is a coping mechanism.

Side note – It’s haunting to see a little girl reassure her doll, almost as if she’s reassuring the audience…

INT. FACTORY HALLS

Marines in action, heading into unfamiliar territory – an alien hive.

INT. ALIEN HIVE

We’ve long left Kansas behind. Explains some of how the alien’s work – excreting resin to build a nest out of the factory.

INT. ROVER

Lieutenant being ill-equipped for this job pays off in a horrible way: Marines use a standard issue weapon that is a liability under a nuclear reactor, which means the lieutenant orders his men to go headlong into the core of the alien hive with virtually no offense. The underdogs have now been crippled.

INT. HIVE

Side note – Hicks – “I like to keep this handy for close encounters.” Solid reference joke to lighten the tension before shit hits the fan, so that the audience isn’t burnt out by the time the action kicks in.

Found the colonists, and it’s worse than imagined. The tension is rising fast with the discovery of open egg shells, dead face-huggers, dead colonists, and a chest-bursted that tears out of the only living colonist left.

INT. HIVE – FOLLOWING

The aliens reveal themselves, and it’s an absolute slaughter. This isn’t the war movie we were promised, it’s a full-blown horror movie with the only goal being escape.

INT. ROVER

Lieutenant is paralyzed. Ripley’s initiative drives her to save the marines where the lieutenant’s inexperience can’t.

INT. FACTORY HALLS

Marines get the hell out, but with several casualties. They’re lucky to be alive.

INT/EXT. ROVER

Ripley tries to escape from the aliens pursuing her. She barely makes it.

INT. ROVER

Let’s explore options and conflicts (debrief what the hell just happened). Marines are justifiably pissed with their lieutenant, some of their squad mates are alive, but as Ripley points out they’re being served up on a silver platter to more face-huggers (Marines and audience can’t help but imagine the gruesome death the sergeant and others are in for). The next course of action is to “nuke the site from orbit,” against the wishes of the corporate goon.

EXT. PLANET

Wait for rendezvous with drop ship.

INT. DROP SHIP

Slime means the aliens have boarded the ship. More importantly, the aliens aren’t limited to the reactor, and there is nowhere to hide.

INT. COCKPIT

Alien kills the pilot.

EXT. ALIEN PLANET

“Midpoint” – Drop ship crashes, marooning the marines, Ripley, Newt, and the corporate goon on a planet with no escape. The plot of the film has now fully shifted from “Seek and destroy the nest” to “Just get out alive.”

INT. “HOME BASE”

Debrief – establish what we have and what we’re up against. No help is coming, you don’t have enough weapons to fight your way out, so you need to gather intel on what the new plan should be.

INT. “HOME BASE” – FOLLOWING

Further debrief – Next course of action…seal the tunnels to prolong efforts of survival. Hicks and Ripley’s relationship deepens slightly.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Ripley and Newt’s relationship deepens, along with setting up a way to find Newt if (come on, this is foreshadowing) she gets lost.

INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY

More debrief/exposition – What has Bishop found out about the aliens? “Who’s laying the eggs” sets up an antagonist we haven’t seen yet, probably worse than what we’ve already witnessed (stakes keep getting raised).

INT. CUBICLES

Ripley interrogates Burke. The same bureaucratic BS and greediness from the last film shows its face once again in this one, and is directly responsible (once again) for the deaths of many, many people.

INT. “HOME BASE”

Set up the “ticking clock,” which both raises the stakes even further and provides a solution to wiping out the hive…and our band of survivors with it. Create an escape plan that relies on Bishop, an android we’ve been lead to not trust based on previous interactions (the tension felt when this plan goes into action is thick. Good work James Cameron!).

INT. “HOME BASE” – FOLLOWING

Relationship between Ripley and Hicks deepens, and Ripley is taught how to use a weapon (this is going to payoff in some way, I’m sure).

Side note – Checklist on what’s been set up for Ripley so far: She knows how to drive a loader, has a deep connection with Newt, and now knows how to handle an assault rifle…and the third act is coming up soon…

INT. MEDICAL BAY

Lieutenant is awake and humbled. Ripley ain’t got time for dat though…

INT. MEDICAL BAY – FOLLOWING

Ripley goes to check on Newt and comforts her as both go to sleep.

EXT. REACTOR

Bishop works on the remote transmission to the group’s only way off world.

INT. SPACESHIP

The plan appears successful so far. They might actually survive this! Good news!

INT. MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT

Bad news! Ripley and Newt wake up to the horrifying realization that two face-huggers have been set loose in their room…and their locked inside!

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Burke is behind this! He turns off the monitor showing Ripley and Newt calling for help. Ripley and Newt are on their own.

INT. MEDICAL BAY

Glass not breaking adds to the tension. Ripley sets off the fire alarm, finding a way to call for help.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Help is on the way!

INT. MEDICAL BAY

Where is it…where is it…SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

Marines come just in the nick of time, just barely saving Ripley and Newt.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Burke in interrogated (corporate greed is put on the same scale as murderous aliens). Time’s up: The aliens cut the power and they’re on their way.

INT. HALLWAYS

They’re everywhere but we don’t see anything. They’re coming and we don’t know how they’re getting in.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

We find out too late, as they enter the room and swarm our survivors. We see Ripley handle a gun in live action. Fight for your life!

INT. HALLWAYS

It’s now down to Hicks, Ripley, Newt, Vasquez, and the Lieutenant escaping, as we watch Burke and Hudson die.

INT. VENTS

Ripley, Hicks, and Newt escape. Meanwhile, Vasquez and the Lieutenant die protecting the rear.

Side note – In every scene where we see the aliens (not including the face-huggers) people die really quickly…like…in a matter of mere moments. This helps set up the stakes for the third act to keep us on the edge of our seats. With that said, it was good decision to remove the scene where auto turrets hold back the aliens from the compound.

INT. VENT TURBINE

Newt gets separated! Hicks and Ripley go after her.

INT. SEWER/HALLWAYS

Hicks and Ripley track down Newt and try to get her out, but the aliens beat them to her!

INT. ELEVATOR

Hicks gets Ripley out of the complex, but after getting sprayed with acid, he’s out of commission.

EXT. COMPLEX / DROP SHIP

Bishop comes through with the drop ship landing just in time. The Third Act begins with the new plan to save Newt, the ticking clock in full force with both face-huggers and a thermonuclear meltdown.

INT. DROP SHIP

It’s go time as Ripley prepares herself for her greatest challenge yet. The stakes are raised to their near max (19 minutes before explosion), and it’s up to Ripley going into the core of the Alien hive ALONE to save her surrogate daughter, Newt.

INT. REACTOR / ALIEN HIVE

We follow Ripley into her worst nightmare (and it’s f***ing scary!).

Side Note: Newt is lost —> Newt is about to be impregnated by a face-hugger —> Ripley saves her in the nick of time. A rollercoaster of emotions through the action.

INT. QUEEN’S LAIR

Mother versus Mother, Round 1. Ripley and Newt face down the most horrifying villain yet, The Alien Queen, and barely escape with the Queen hot on their tails.

INT. REACTOR / ALIEN HIVE

Ripley and Newt run from the Alien Queen, who’s chasing them down. Ripley uses the last of her ammo to buy time.

EXT. LAUNCH PAD

After being lead to believe Bishop abandoned Ripley and Newt, with the Alien Queen moments from killing the two, Bishop arrives just in time to save the two. “Punch it, Bishop!”

EXT. DROP SHIP

They escape, with the reactor blowing up behind them.

INT. DROP SHIP

Soft music and “I knew you’d come” says we’re out of the nightmare. All is safe, right?

INT. HANGER BAY

The Alien Queen is on the ship with them (All is not safe!)! Mother versus Mother, Round 2, as Ripley battles a creature even worse than the one she defeated in the previous film…and wins against all odds!

Side note: Once again, James Cameron sends us on an emotional roller coaster, complete with a one liner, “Get away from her you bitch!” and ending with Newt embracing Ripley as “Mommy!”Just saying, the man knows action and how to tug on heart strings.

INT. CRYO CHAMBER

A mother’s goodnight kiss. The nightmare is over, and our heroes can sleep peacefully once again.

Side note – Like I said earlier, there’s that sleep and dreams motif to close us out of the movie, much the same way it started. Perfect bookend.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Basic Structure!

What I learned doing this assignment is…this is my favorite part of outlining. I’ve read and applied a number of different outlining models over the years (Snyder’s, Truby’s, Harmon’s, McKee’s, Vogler’s and recently ScreenwritingU’s). A number of the steps from previous assignments help prioritize certain aspects of the story I want to tell, but this is where everything comes into focus. Answering the questions took me in a direction I was really excited about with my concept for “Grand Theft Road Trip.” Meanwhile, “Old Testament Band” needs a lot of work, but it’s getting closer to where it needs to be for it to be a satisfying story for most audiences.

I’ve also discovered how helpful reading everyone else’s assignments can be. Doing a quick edit and post the next day can fix a number of problems, but following up with your work after reading everyone else’s posts reveals so much more. You get to learn other people’s perspective with the lesson. Also, by the time you finish reading 15+ outlines from others, you can’t help but look at your own with a fresh perspective. You catch more of what you’re looking for in a story (what you’re diamonds and talents probably are) and have a chance to elevate them further.

OPEN WIDE

Logline: When a government agent accidentally creates a breach in their designated bunker, she must help save the lives she’s put in danger of both the hostile aliens and the inbound target bomb on their complex.

1. (Active) Opening – A Grandmother wakes up to an alarm warning residents of an alien outbreak. She and the rest of the residents take refuge in a bunker, but one of the residents with them is infected.

2. Inciting Incident – The grandmother pulls out a handcrafted pistol and kills the infected before it has a chance to kill her, but by doing so creates a breach. Now when the site is bombed, the chemicals will penetrate into the bunker and wipe out the remaining survivors.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The grandmother reveals her true identity as a spy for the Hegemony, sent to cover up the source of the alien outbreaks. Now, she is directly responsible for saving the residents her actions have put in harm’s way.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The initial plan to seal the breach fails. Now, the survivors have no choice but to escape from the bunker.

5. Mid-Point – The resident pacifist that has refused to take part in any previous action reveals herself to be a former Super Soldier, when she takes out several of the aliens. (The residents have a fighting chance).

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – On the way out of the doomed complex, the Grandmother and several others are gassed and rendered unconscious.

7. Crisis – The Smuggler reveals himself as a loyalist to the Hegemony, using his reputation as a means of capturing dissenters. He manipulates the pacifist super soldier’s programming to kill the other residents one by one.

8. Climax – The grandmother spy, who is good at her job, releases the trap she’s set earlier and kills the Smuggler. She’s able to save the pacifist and another resident, but the rest of the community has perished.

9. Resolution – The grandmother is able to lead the two other survivors out of the doomed building and onto an escape ship to get off world, moments before the complex is bombed.

POSSESSING EDEN

Logline: An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

1. (Active) Opening – Janus (protagonist) saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story building and the underworld. (Explaining the rules of the world through action).

2. Inciting Incident – Janus creates a copy of herself, but, unknown to her, in doing so also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal her creator’s (Adam/Antagonist) code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use that code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus abandons the upper floors and descends into the underworld, against Adam’s wishes. Adam casts her as a fallen angel to his followers and vows to eliminate her. She is subsequently captured by forces from the underworld.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues a guide (Calvex) to the underworld from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus’ Copy attacks her and tries to kill her after being promised a place in the upper floors if she renders justice against her counterpart. Janus is able to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy.

7. Crisis – In the preceding action, Calvex sacrificed himself for Janus and died. Janus uploads him through the Afterlife Protocol, but Adam vows to “do what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and defeats Adam.

9. Resolution – The residents of the high rise are free to explore a world that’s much bigger than anything they imagined.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

Logline: A driving instructor finds out her son commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where her son is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As her son’s hostage, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

Note: Playing with both genders, since the story doesn’t yet require anything specific. Saying “I have a female Baby Driver” may or may not be a quality pitch, depending on whom I talk to.

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Maserati and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out. (This one action will have consequences for the rest of the protagonist’s life/story. Analogy 101).

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement. Now the dad is left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The dad has a choice: turn his daughter in, or try to mend the relationship that was lost. He chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops.

5. Mid-Point – Turns out the Maserati the Kid stole belonged to a drug lord, and he put a hit on the Kid. Now the Kid sees her actions have consequences that affect her family.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid turns herself in, but on the condition that she help take down the drug lord.

9. Resolution – The Kid avenges her father and goes to prison. She sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory.

OLD TESTAMENT BAND

Logline: A Christian Rock band snaps and goes full “Old Testament” on the criminal underworld when their founding member is killed by a loan shark.

1. (Active) Opening – Someone is offering a confession to a priest. Flashback to…the band playing a number (“Lizard Brain” – Similar in tone to “Deeds” by Sanctus Real) at a local convention. They’re good, but are still trying to make it big.

2. Inciting Incident – They’re offered a loan that’ll allow them to get past their initial hurdle and make a living off of performing. Most of the band ignores the deal, recognizing it for what it is, but the band’s founding member accepts, not seeing any other way for the band to achieve their goals.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – What will the consequences be for the band and it’s founding member?

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The band plays another number (“Hollow Deal” – Similar in tone to “Shadows” or “Perfect Life” by Red), this time in front of thousands, and their album is a top seller.

5. Mid-Point – The man who offered the loan comes to collect, but the band refuses to pay him back. The founding member tries to resolve tensions, but when the rest of the band arrive to stop him, the loan shark kills the band’s founding member and puts a bounty on the remaining band members.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The band is left with nothing after going through the normal channels and losing the admiration from fans when the secret’s out. When the cops are bought off and no justice will be served for their friend, the band is forced to answer the question, “Turn the other cheek” or self-defense/vengeance.

7. Crisis – The band plays one more number (“Pleasant Dream” – Similar in tone to “Not Ready to Die” by Demon Hunter) to trap their pursuers, including the loan shark and crooked cops. It works, but traps a number of bystanders in the crossfire.

8. Climax – The loan shark is left with nowhere to run, his criminal organization collapsed, as the last surviving band member render’s justice.

9. Resolution – The last surviving band member finishes his confession that was started at the beginning of the movie.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Adding additional context and ideas from earlier

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Necessary Questions

What I learned doing this assignment is…how essential it is to come up with the question, conflict and dilemma prior to the rest of the outline. Some of this came easy. Some of this required more brainstorming to find a fit. I’ll keep referring back to this checklist throughout the brainstorming assignments to find the best fit for a quality script.

OPEN WIDE

a. Concept: When a community fails to seek shelter in time, they must band together to ward of an infestation of alien parasites and escape from their government sending exterminators to wipe out any survivors.
b. Dramatic Question: Will the survivors escape?
c. Main conflict: The alien parasites
d. Dilemma: Seal up the breach and possibly save everyone, or risk escape and guarantee either death or rescue.
e. Theme: “The better the liar, the better the monster.”

POSSESSING EDEN

a. Concept: An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.
b. Dramatic Question: Will Janus bring back her victim and earn redemption.
c. Main conflict: While her creator wants her dead for leaving him, her own Copy/Guilt won’t forgive her.
d. Dilemma: To allow her Copy to take over and render justice, or dig deeper and find forgiveness for herself.
e. Theme: Redemption/Salvation cannot be given; it must be cultivated through love.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

a. Concept: A driving instructor finds out her son commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where her son is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail.
b. Dramatic Question: How did a parent that controls every aspect of her child’s life miss that her son commits grand theft auto? or Can the parent and child see eye to eye again? or Will the parent successfully turn in their child?
c. Main conflict: The parent wants to turn in their child for their own good, or the parent wants the child to turn themself in, or the parent wants to reconnect with their child.
d. Dilemma: Freedom/Passion versus Family
e. Theme: Passion alone won’t get you far without love and support.

OLD TESTAMENT BAND

a. Concept: A Christian Rock band snaps and goes full “Old Testament” on the criminal underworld when their founding member is killed by a loan shark.
b. Dramatic Question: Will the band/band’s leader “turn the other cheek” or give in to their baser desire for revenge? Will the band succeed in their quest for revenge?
c. Main conflict: The criminal underworld? The rest of the band respects the new manager instead of siding with the band’s leader? Holding to a Christian identity when the world pushes you to take action?
d. Dilemma: “Turn the other cheek” versus vengeance/justice
e. Theme: Without Forgiveness/Mercy, we’re guided by baser instincts.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Dramatic Plots 2

What I learned doing this assignment is…how easy it is to see your ideas from a different perspective by changing the plot, as well as how hard it can be if you’re too limiting with the constraints of the conventions. There were a couple times with this assignment where I was making it more difficult than it had to be, either by trying to stay too close to the original idea (“No, that doesn’t fit because it strays too far from the seed ideas) or trying too hard to fit my idea into a category that didn’t really match (“No, that idea doesn’t match up with the requirements of this plot structure). I had to just walk away for a bit and come back to it with a fresh perspective, or just pick a different plot format. Sometimes, what I thought would work…really didn’t. And that’s okay! The goal was just to strengthen that creative muscle, and I feel like I did that.

P.S. I’ve included two different concepts in this post. I plan to work with a couple others in the future as time allows.

OPEN WIDE

Plots: Transformation and Discovery

Original Concept:

When a community fails to seek shelter in time, they must band together to ward of an infestation of alien parasites and escape from their government sending exterminators to wipe out any survivors

Transformation:

When a community fails to seek shelter in time, the only way to safety requires them to become monsters to ward off exterminators sent to wipe out survivors.

Discovery:

An old lady discovers in the effort to save herself and her community from an onslaught of alien parasites and government liquidators, that her life and experiences were measures to keep her and the population controlled.

Choice going forward:

While the “Transformation” concept was really cool, it feels more like something that I’d pitch for a video game, not a movie with empathetic characters. With that said, I’ve got to go with “Escape” because it limits the locations (price tag) and keeps the characters interesting and sympathetic.

POSSESSING EDEN

Plots: Forbidden Love and Maturation

Original Concept:

An android in search of redemption for a murder she committed is tested by a copy of herself that represents her own guilt, and she must either kill that side of herself or become one with it.

Forbidden Love:

A programmer tries to resurrect his wife by using his own data, but the version of his wife that he gets reflects more of his own guilt than intended.

Maturation:

An AI splits every time there’s a conflict, eventually resulting in a war between the different variants until the original starts to merge with its varying selves to become a more complete person.

Choice going forward:

“Quest” for the same reasons as above (limited locations means a lower price tag), and I’m too attached to that story anyway. Maybe that’s a mistake, but I’ll roll with it for now.

[Cameron Martin]

Follow up…Finish the thought/idea. No matter how bad it appears at first, finish it. You’d be surprised what your creativity comes up with when you aren’t suppressing it. Editing and polishing the story to a more complete vision can always happen later. In addition, this assignment was useful for looking at my original concepts from different perspectives to find something that was either a better idea, or it felt more natural to my writing style.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

Plots: Maturation and Discovery

Original Concept:

A driving instructor finds out her son commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where her son is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail.

Maturation:

A call center clerk whose dreamt of racing since he was a child snaps and takes his family across the country to Daytona speedway in order to test his driving skills in the family van against the best of the best Nascar racers, but learns that pursuing your dreams come at a price and that a balance must be struck between supporting others and yourself.

Discovery:

When a conservative parent discovers their teenager, who’s about to go to college to pursue an accounting degree, is wanted for grand theft auto, they’re forced to examine how and where they pushed their child into a life a crime, uncovering their own wounds from childhood that lead them to control every aspect of their life, including their child’s life.

Choice going forward:

While I like “Rivalry,” what I came up with was honestly too dark to be marketable as a new writer. The “Adventure” plot, while a little more cliche, is the safer path, and I’m confident in my ability whittle out the cliches for a more original narrative.

OLD TESTAMENT BAND

Plots: Descension and Sacrifice

Original Concept:

A Christian Rock band snaps and goes full “Old Testament” on the criminal underworld when their founding member is killed by a loan shark.

Descension:

When a band leader see’s the person whom he believes to be his best friend’s murderer take ownership of the band, he tussles with his beliefs of revenge versus forgiveness, eventually choosing to take vengeance against the new band manager and anyone who gets in his way.

Sacrifice:

When a band is unable to pay off the debt they owe to a loan shark, they are captured and forced to decide amongst themselves who will pay the price. But when all of the band members are willing to sacrifice themselves, the loan shark devises a game to test the limits of their belief in sacrificing themselves for someone else.

Choice going forward:

“Descension.” It’s basically Hamlet, and it focuses the story on the actions of one character, which is more my speed anyway.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Dramatic Plots 1

What I learned doing this assignment is…that though the core concept and characters may remain the same, the actual story itself can very quite a bit. This lesson will be extremely useful when working with others on future projects that require any ideas I have to conform to and support the vision of the producer.

P.S. I’ve included two different concepts in this post. I plan to work with a couple others in the future as time allows.

OPEN WIDE

Plot Selections: Quest and Escape

Quest:

When a community fails to take shelter in a bunker at the outset of an outbreak of alien parasites, the worms reek havoc upon the community, killing all but three: A grandmother, a pacifist, and a smuggler. To save herself, the grandmother is forced to reveal her true identity as a spy for the Hegemony, when she uses her skills with a makeshift gun (something that’s forbidden in the space colonies) against the hosts trying to eat her. She also reveals to the two other survivors that she has a short range escape ship outside of the city, so that they can get off world before the hegemony sends conscripted liquidators to exterminate the aliens and any survivors. Together, they make their way out of their small apartment building and weave through the Smuggler’s hidden passages on floating metropolis that makes up their space colony, fighting through the alien parasites along the way. The Pacifist also reveals her true colors when, as a former Super Soldier, her programming kicks in when she is forced to engage in combat against the aliens and turns on the Smuggler and the Grandmother. Together, both are able to defeat her. Now, with the party down to two and a hundred yards away from the escape vessel, the Smuggler knocks the Grandmother unconscious and takes her to a hidden torture room adjacent to the docking bay. The Grandmother wakes up and is given an explanation by the Smuggler, who uses that reputation to trick dissenters in the Hegemony and execute them. The Grandmother, a spy who is good at her job, is able to break free from the Smuggler’s trap, revealing that being trapped was a part of her plan for escape. She allows the Smuggler to be overrun by the alien parasites and escapes off world to go to her family, moments before the conscripts land to exterminate the population.

Escape:

When a community takes shelter in a bunker at the outset of an outbreak of alien parasites, one of the people amongst them turns out to be infected and reeks havoc upon the community. To save herself, the grandmother is forced to reveal her true identity as a spy for the Hegemony, when she uses her skills with a makeshift gun (something that’s forbidden in the space colonies) against the host trying to eat them. Unfortunately, her gun also creates a breech in the bunker, and the colonists must escape the building before it is target bombed. The Smuggler of the group reveals that she knows a way and agrees to help the community before more parasitic worms slither their way into the bunker. The colonists work together to craft weapons against the worms and a way to open the breach wider so that people can crawl through. On his way out of the bunker to open the blast doors, the colonist scouting ahead discovers a nest of the worms and is quickly swallowed up by several. The other colonists prepare themselves to try and contain the breach, when the new alien host leads a dozen more worms back into the bunker. In the ensuing carnage, more than half of the remaining community is wiped out. However, they also discover the young girl who’s declared herself a pacifist was actually a Super Soldier, when her programming kicks in and she’s able to kill off the remaining worms and their hosts. She opts to go and open the blast doors so that the community can escape. She is able to open the doors so that the community can escape. The Smuggler guides the group through the secret passages within the apartment building, but leads them to another trap, gassing them to unconsciousness. The survivors wake up in a torture room and discover their resident smuggler uses that reputation to root out dissenters of the Hegemony. The Smuggler manipulates the Pacifist Super Soldier’s programming to start killing the other survivors. The Grandmother Spy, is able to escape just in time and hide from the Super Soldier and Smuggler. Through the use of makeshift tech, she’s able to find out where the secret room is and open a pathway for the alien parasites in, killing the Smuggler. She then helps the Super Soldier break free from her programming, and together they’re able to escape just before the building is target bombed.

POSSESSING EDEN

Plot Selections: Quest and Adventure

Quest:

In a post death future, a computer virus, Adam, holds a high rise tower hostage, along with the Afterlife Protocol that allows its residents to reincarnate in the form of robotic surrogates. After hundreds of years, Adam has created his own heaven, his own hell, and his own creations in his image to guide the residents in a religion that worships him as a god. One of his creations, Janus, shows more promise than her siblings and is offered a glimpse into the extant of her powers. Adam teaches Janus how to duplicate herself. However, unbeknownst to Janus, the process of duplication requires the deletion of the consciousness already present within the host’s shell, effectively committing murder in a world where death should be impossible. Janus and her Copy go in search of a way to resurrect her victim by using the technology and code Adam used to create her. On her way down the high rise and into the underworld, the Copy manipulates Janus and her guilt to control her for power. In addition, Adam, tussling with his own duplicates, chooses to retaliate from his perceived rejection rather than love or help his daughter, and attempt to kill her. Adam also offers the Copy a place at his side, if the Copy kills Janus. The Copy is almost successful in killing Janus, but Janus does something different than her creator. Instead of killing a part of herself, she chooses to heal and comfort, merging with her Copy to become a more complete person. When Janus returns to her creator, she is more powerful and is able to free the residents into a world that is much larger than what Adam told them.

Adventure:

In a future where people are reincarnated into robot surrogates through a communication chip, a mysterious hacker/assassin begins to hijack the Afterlife Protocol and go on a killing spree. One spunky young woman, Janus, tries to stop him, but in the ensuing chase and scuffle, accidentally creates a copy of herself with the assassin’s tech, directly resulting in the murder of an innocent bystander. Janus goes with her copy to the church to find redemption and is given a task to find the “god” of the Afterlife Protocol to resurrect her victim. Janus and her Copy leave their town, the murderer still on the loose, and venture up, into and through the “Mountain of the Gods,” full of robotic and cybernetic wildlife, monstrosities and heroes, all of whom provide different challenges to Janus and her Copy, requiring them to find a way to work together. Janus and her Copy struggle for who is in charge and whether Janus really deserves forgiveness. Her greatest challenge comes when they discover the “god” they’re seeking is a weak computer virus, Pan, that’s copied himself over and over to create the world they live in, but that one of the copies is the murderer they faced earlier. Unable to bring the victim back to life (that’s not what computer viruses do, even in the future) or earn redemption through the god they worship, Janus’ Copy tries to kill Janus, believing she must finally pay for her mistakes. However, Janus is able to comfort and heal herself, merging with her Copy to become a stronger person. She then looks out over the summit to her city at the base, and prepares for the journey home, merged with her Copy and Pan as an ally.

[Cameron Martin]

Follow up…While I’m not happy with some of the synopses I came up with, the important lesson learned was how to finish the assigned plot conventions, taking the characters to the end of the line. There’s plenty of time to improve these later on.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

Plot Selections: Adventure and Rivalry

Adventure:

What starts out as a routine defensive driving course between a domineering parent and his/her child takes a sudden turn when the lights on a police cruiser flare up in the rear view mirror. The parent’s child slams on the gas and takes his/her parent on the ride of their life across the country. As they sort through their differences, they also stop in different hole-in-the-walls they’d visited on previous family road trips. There parallels become apparent when the same reasons for the fun that they’d had before come to the surface, as well as the reasons for previous fights: The parent wanted their child to act, partake in, or do something the parent wanted, regardless of the child’s desires. Vice versa, the child would act out in increasingly extreme circumstances, taking creative tantrums after not getting their way to drive fast for a while. It’s only when the parent accepts his/her child for who they are that the child accepts responsibility and turns his/herself in, bringing the road trip to an end and an undetermined future ahead of the both of them.

Rivalry:

What starts out as a routine defensive driving course between a domineering parent and his/her child takes a sudden turn when the lights on a police cruiser flare up in the rear view mirror. The parent’s child slams on the gas and takes his/her parent on the ride of their life. The parent works to turn their child in at every chance they get, whether that be at a gas station, a diner, or a backlot. Meanwhile, the child takes more and more extreme measures to keep their parent hostage, escalating from a car chase with their parent in the passenger seat, turning the passenger airbag off, to holding them at gunpoint. Along the way, different flashbacks compare the trip together now to the road trips the family had in the past, showing how the child became a ruthless criminal. The parent makes one more attempt to stop their child, but it leads to the child going on a rampage that results in the parent’s death and the deaths of several other cops and bystanders. The child gets away, fully turning to the criminal underworld for freedom.

OLD TESTAMENT BAND

Plot Selections: Revenge and Temptation

Revenge:

When the founding member of a popular Christian rock band is murdered after not paying back the loan shark that supported their initial financing, the eccentric lead guitarist goes to confront the criminal’s hideout and thugs, while the other band members try to discreetly go through the cops. But when the detective on the case starts to get too close to the band’s origins, and the lead guitarist is killed during his mission, the remaining band members host a concert at the site of their founding member’s murder as a trap to kill the loan shark, detective, and any others involved either in the murder of their band members or those who uncovered the band’s origins.

Temptation:

An up and coming Christian rock band struggles to move out of that “up and coming” status. With no regular channels to help fund them, a loan shark offers them more financing than they ever dreamed of, for a price. While the rest of the band rejects the offer, the founding member, seeing no other way, accepts the loan shark’s deal. Suddenly, the band can afford to go on tour and fulfill their mission of spreading the word of GOD. However, when the band doesn’t make as much in return as they’d hoped, the second part of the deal is demanded. The band goes on the run, doing their best to protect the founding member from a gang hot on their trail. When there’s nowhere else to run, the founding member is captured and executed in front of the other band members. The debt now falls on the remaining band members to come up with the money they owe. The band regroups and creates a plan to bring down the loan shark’s organization by putting on a concert as a trap. There, at the concert, the loan shark watches as the band puts on their biggest show yet, culminating in the band pulling out guns from their instruments and killing the loan shark and his henchmen live in front of a hundred thousand horrified fans.

[Cameron Martin]

What I learned doing this assignment is…to let go of preconceived ideas and play with different combinations. Though that strategy was already utilized for generating concepts, it works here with coming up with how the different characters interact. Similar to hitting on a great concept, if you can land on the right character interactions, the story just feels like it’ll write itself. I decided to play with multiple concepts for this one to see what I naturally gravitated toward (Dramatic Triangle just feels right). I’m really struggling with the ensemble cast. I’ll have to play with that one more and see if I need to reduce the amount of characters that matter, or if more brainstorming sessions will guide me to something that works well.

OPEN WIDE

1. List your concept.<div>

A colony has to NASA their way out of the crossfire between alien parasites and conscripts sent to kill survivors.

2. Tell us the Character Structure you choose for your story.

Dramatic Triangle

3. Give us one sentence on each of your lead characters.

The Smuggler – A devout party member who captures deserters.

The Pacifist – A war veteran who went AWOL after committing war crimes.

The Grandma – A secret agent sent to cover up the government’s involvement with the outbreak of recent alien infestations.

4. In one or two paragraphs, tell us how you see the character structure playing out in your story.

“The better the liar, the better the monster.” On the surface, everyone is one thing, while being something different underneath, having to work together together to get out of a situation where, like them, there’s more beneath the surface. The Grandma is the first to reveal who she really is, recruiting the skills of the Smuggler to help her and the pacifist off world. The Pacifist is the next to show his/her true colors as older than he/she appears, being a Super Soldier that went AWOL after committing war crimes. Finally, the Smuggler shows his/her true colors as someone committed to rooting out dissenters, including the Grandma Spy and the Pacifist Super Soldier, all in the backdrop of an alien infestation that is the result of the Government’s terraforming practices that wiped out several keystone species which kept the ecosystem in balance.

POSSESSING EDEN

1. List your concept.

An AI has to confront her trauma by either healing or killing parts of herself.

2. Tell us the Character Structure you choose for your story.

Dramatic Triangle (Sort of…)

3. Give us one sentence on each of your lead characters.

Adam – An ancient computer virus that once felt rejection, and has been duplicating and destroying parts of himself in the effort to never be rejected again.

Janus – Adam’s creation and one of the protectors of his world that goes against him in search for redemption.

Copy – Janus’ duplicate that she created who represents her guilt.

4. In one or two paragraphs, tell us how you see the character structure playing out in your story.

Adam, a computer virus that finds religion, feels the pain of rejection when he prays to GOD and no one answers. Not yet old enough to comprehend concepts beyond binary, he assumes GOD rejected him because he was created by man and not HIM. So, he takes over a high rise and the inhabitants within to create his own heaven, his own hell, and his own creations in his image. Janus, one of his creations, is selected to be his right hand and have the ability to copy herself revealed to her. But when she creates her Copy, she unknowingly murders the host in a world where death should be impossible. Janus and her Copy make plans to go to the Underworld to resurrect the victim. Meanwhile, Adam, feeling his daughter’s rejection of her power is a rejection of him, tries to stop her and keep the status quo of what he’s created for himself. As Janus goes deeper and confronts both Adam and the Underworld, her Copy tests Janus, raising the question of whether the Copy/Guilt is in control or the Original.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

1. List your concept.

A risk averse driving instructor finds out that her son commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course when her son is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail.

2. Tell us the Character Structure you choose for your story.

Buddy Movie

3. Give us one sentence on each of your lead characters.

Driving Instructor – Risk averse and controlling, she has guided hers and her family’s lives to her vision.

The Son – Involved in so many extracurriculars to stay out of trouble, but has such a passion for cars and going fast that he finds ways to scratch that itch anyways.

4. In one or two paragraphs, tell us how you see the character structure playing out in your story.

What starts as a typical exchange between a doting mother and her teenage son takes a significant turn when the son floors it and escapes from the cops tailing them. Now las her son’s hostage, the driving instructor and her teenage son must confront their shared and individual issues/past trauma, but they’re too stubborn at first and at constant conflict, with the mother trying to turn her son in, and her son taking more extreme measures to keep his mother under his control for a change.

OLD TESTAMENT BAND

1. List your concept.

A Christian Rock Band goes full “Old Testament” on the criminal underworld when their founding member is killed by a loan shark.

2. Tell us the Character Structure you choose for your story.

Ensemble Cast

3. Give us one sentence on each of your lead characters.

Singer/Lead Guitarist – The first to jump into action and believes GOD communicates with him.

Drummer – Converted just before joining the band and is more knowledgeable about the bible than either of the band members

Base Player – Very reserved and hates showiness in faith.

Loan Shark – Focussed on fairness and blind justice

Gang Leader – God Complex

4. In one or two paragraphs, tell us how you see the character structure playing out in your story.

When the founding member of the band (Backup Guitar/Singer and Lyricist) is killed by the loan shark for not paying the band’s debt, the lead singer sees a vision that he believes is a sign that GOD demands justice. Meanwhile, both the drummer and base player go through the proper channels until they run into both a dead end with corrupt cops and the media exposing they’re funding through amoral means. The only chance at righting the wrongs appear to be through the same form of retribution that the lead singer uses. The band joins up again to wage war on a criminal empire that both brought them to glory and is now trying to bring them down, all the while questioning how far they can go and still call themselves Christians.

</div>

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Outline Version 3

Title: Possessing Eden

Logline: An android searches for redemption by fighting not only the forces of a mechanized hell scape, but by also confronting her own guilt that physically attacks her for control.

Scene 1. We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s a dark, maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, along with what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of the child’s parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves this little boy from the killer robot.

Note-Possessing means she not only hacks the machine, but penetrates it and wraps the armor of the robot around her, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

Scene 2. The boy is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. The boy is from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked. Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

Scene 3. Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world.

Scene 4. Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld: the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

Scene 5. Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

Scene 6. Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told that duplicating herself would bring a permanent end to the host in a world where death should be impossible.

Scene 7. Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring the victim back. She makes a plan with her Copy to bring the person she killed back to life.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent data within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the information that once made up the consciousness of the individual.

Scene 8. Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

Scene 9. Janus and Copy fight Janus’ siblings on their way down the first 9 floors.

Scene 10. Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

Scene 11. Janus and her Copy cross into the Underworld, choosing to do what’s right based on their own morality, instead of opting for the easy way offered by Janus’ creator.

Scene 12. Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by GOD, long ago. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

Scene 13. Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

Scene 14. Janus and Copy confront cyborg slavers and are captured.

Scene 15. Janus and Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide them through the underworld, if they can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.”

Scene 16. Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “Voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

Scene 17. Janus secures the Voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

Scene 18. Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

Scene 19. Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

Scene 20. Janus and her Copy fight through, recovering one of Janus’ arms that was torn off, and giving the Voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with the two Januses.

Scene 21. Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed. One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

Scene 22. Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

Scene 23. Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex. The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies again. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

Scene 24. Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to calm her nerves and show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before, while the Copy stays with the village to guard it.

Scene 25. Copy defends the village from Adam’s Guardian Angels who tell her she shouldn’t even be in the underworld, and offer a place in Arcadia as Janus’ replacement on the condition of killing her counterpart.

Scene 26. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy.

Scene 27. Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. The rift between the two Januses widens.

Scene 28. Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

Scene 29. Adam snaps the trap, playing a trick on the two Januses by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy. Janus is mentally broken, and her Copy makes her decision.

Scene 30. The Copy attacks Janus. Janus holds her own to defend Calvex, but her copy begins to duplicate herself amongst the dead robots and overwhelm Janus. Meanwhile, Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is about to be killed by her dark side. Calvex is able to save Janus at the last moment, but at the cost of his own life.

Scene 31. Janus influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

Scene 32. Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol. But a firewall created by Adam prevents her from resurrecting her friend. If Calvex is to be brought back to life, Janus must eliminate her creator, Adam.

Scene 33. Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 34. Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen. He threatens Janus to never return, or he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

Scene 35. Janus must choose whether to save Calvex or risk everyone else’s doom. Janus chooses to take action, believing the means justify the ends.

Scene 36. Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam. Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

Scene 37. Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept. Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

Scene 38. Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

Scene 39. Adam reveals to Janus that in order to kill him, she would have to erase her and her siblings’ code as well, since all of their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s been contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

Scene 40. Janus sacrifices herself and kills Adam.

Scene 41. The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is simply one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Outline Version 1

Title: Possessing Eden

Logline: In a world where people can be reincarnated into robotic surrogates at the time of their passing, the creation of an ancient artificial intelligence seeks to bring the person she murdered back to life.

Scene 1. We open on the first floor of a nine story high rise. It’s dark, a maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, and what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of the child’s parents. Janus protects and saves a little boy from this killer robot.

Scene 2. The boy is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

Scene 3. Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, to have dominion over it.

Scene 4. Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld, the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

Scene 5. Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

Scene 6. Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told the consequences ahead of time. Thus, she unknowingly commits murder in a part of her world where death should be impossible.

Scene 7. Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring the victim back. She makes a plan with her Copy to bring the person she killed back to life by stealing the code Adam used to create her and her siblings, and venturing to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent code within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the code that once made up the individual.

Scene 8. Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

Scene 9. Janus fights her siblings on her way out of the first 9 floors.

Scene 10. Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

Scene 11. Janus crosses into the Underworld.

Scene 12. Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

Scene 13. Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap.

Scene 14. Janus confronts cyborg slavers and is captured.

Scene 15. Janus and her Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide her through the underworld, if she can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.”

Scene 16. Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

Scene 17. Janus secures the voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

Scene 18. Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

Scene 19. Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given free will. She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

Scene 20. Janus fights through, giving the voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with Janus.

Scene 21. Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed.

Scene 22. Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

Scene 23. Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex. The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

Scene 24. Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to calm her nerves and show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horror’s faced before, while the Copy stays with the village to guard it.

Scene 25. Copy defends the village from Adam’s Guardian Angels who tell her she shouldn’t even be in the underworld, and offer a place in Arcadia as Janus’ replacement on the condition of killing her counterpart.

Scene 26. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, but also worries to himself that he may have just given an answer on how to end him as well. Adam knows this because he was once a copy of an original artificially intelligent computer virus from millennia ago, but killed his alter ego in a civil war.

Scene 27. Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. The rift between the two Januses widens.

Scene 28. Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to and bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

Scene 29. Adam snaps the trap, playing a trick on the two Januses by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy. Janus is mentally broken, and her Copy…

Scene 30. Attacks her, copying herself and thus raising the dead around them to fight for her. Janus is overwhelmed by her dark side, refusing to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, while her Copy has morphed into an army against her. Calvex dies trying to save Janus. Janus is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy and becomes a whole person again.

Scene 31. Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 32. Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 33. Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen. He threatens Janus to never return, or he’ll destroy the world again.

Scene 34. Janus must choose whether to save Calvex or risk everyone else’s doom. Janus chooses to take action, believing the means justify the ends.

Scene 35. Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam. Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

Scene 36. Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept. Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

Scene 37. Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

Scene 38. It is revealed that if Janus kills Adam, it would erase her too, since her code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild. It would be an eternity lived outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

Scene 39. Janus sacrifices herself and kills Adam.

Scene 40. The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is just one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Fast Formatting!

What I learned doing this assignment is…There’s always new surprises when writing action…or screenplays in general. That description of the C-4 detonator light blinking with “ominous disdain” made my evening, it was so much fun. I learned a lot just form reading Frank Darabont’s scripts. Now I want to read more of Derek Kolstad. Gotta read more. Also, adopting the philosophy that a wide use of adverbs and adjectives indicates a poor vocabulary of verbs and nouns. One enhances the writing, the other just meets word count requirements.

(Note: Had to edit a chunk out of this. For some reason I kept having technical difficulties when I tried to post the whole thing.)

INT. 9TH FLOOR

…

A kick slams hard into JANUS’ side—

Her COPY, still holding JANUS’ hand, pulls HARD at the shoulder joint…

JANUS SLAMS her palm into her COPY’s ankle…

…And dives at her!

COPY twists—

CRACK! Her elbow knocks JANUS to the ground…

…Who leaps and stumbles back to her feet.

CALVEX’s cybernetic throat shines blue…

…The robotic corpse replaces the image of ADAM on its screen with pale blue…

…And tackles COPY…

…Who THROWS it to the ground by its HEAD…

…And TEARS the head off!

…Before chucking it at CALVEX’s face…

…who narrowly shifts…

…as he watches the computer head wiz past him.

CALVEX runs for cover. He’s no match alone.

COPY turns her attention back to JANUS…

Who’s SLAMMING a BODY down—

—Onto COPY, crushing her!

JANUS lifts the body back up again…

…And DRIVES it into her COPY…Again…And Again…

Until there’s nothing but scrap!

CALVEX looks up from rummaging through the piles.

JANUS takes a step back, analyzing her hands…

the scrap heap…

her actions…

…Before another body rises from the rest.

JANUS and CALVEX turn to the raised corpse…

…Another one rises…

JANUS and CALVEX turn…

…ANOTHER…

…THEN ANOTHER…

COPY (Coming from four different sources) – “You didn’t think it would be that easy to kill…you, did you?”

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Cameron Martin.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Had difficulty posting it. Tried posting different parts at a time to see where the issue was. Kept getting a GoDaddy firewall for some reason

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Great Action Set Piece!

What I learned doing this assignment is…to never be satisfied with an action piece. Even if the big picture doesn’t change much, there’s so much more to add by constantly thinking of different nuances that can contribute to both the meaning and excitement of the scene. Even if its a choreographers job to lay out the specifics of how the action is communicated for the camera, it’s the writer’s job to explore all of the possibilities and detail them for the story.

Pre-Action – Janus’ copy is on her side, committed to her mission, until she discovers that Janus can’t bring back the person she killed, whose body the copy now possesses.

Action – The copy attacks Janus, as the only redemption offered to her was to destroy Janus. The copy believes redemption can only be served through destroying the self.

Post-Action – Janus emerges victorious, having defeated the alternate, critical version of herself. She’s willing to chart her own path and forgive herself. She stops looking externally for meaning and redemption, and instead looks inward.

1. Suspense/Anxiety: Janus, her Copy, and Calvex enter, ready to reverse a death. Copy has been offered a place with Adam on the condition that she kill Janus.

2. Relief: Resurrection appears to work. The victim has been brought back to life! Janus succeeded and accomplished the impossible!

3. Surprise: It’s a trick played by Adam! Adam forces Janus to relive the experience that haunts her with warped and more violent detail than what actually occurred.

4. Shock: The Copy, filled with rage and a feeling that she doesn’t belong with Janus, even that she’s better than Janus, attacks and betrays her.

5. Danger: Janus is caught off guard and fights for her life. It’s like fighting a mirror, with Janus’ copy knowing every martial technique she knows, and with the same tendencies.

6. Excitement: Calvex and Janus start to gain the upper hand, with Calvex commanding a robotic leviathan or sentry sent by Adam. It’s now three against one.

7. Surprise: The Copy duplicates herself! Calvex and Janus are standing in a graveyard! Soon they’ll be fighting an army by themselves.

8. Adrenaline: The Copies take control of the fight. There’s too many of them and Janus refuses to duplicate herself again. With every copy Janus Judo throws, joint locks, or breaks with a well placed kick or punch, five more copies come alive. Janus is overwhelmed by her copy that represents her past and guilt.

9. Dread: Janus is out of options and watches Calvex die. The leviathan or sentry is torn limb from limb, and Janus is next. This is the end.

10. Excitement/Twist: Janus refuses to give in to her dark side, the voice in her head, and is able to forgive herself. She goes on the offensive and takes control of each additional copy, one by one.

11. Relief: Janus becomes one with her dark half. She is a complete person again.

[Cameron Martin]

What I learned from the opening teleconference was that 3 hours can turn into 4 hours pretty quick with Hal’s stories (Just kidding. Took notes of a few eye-opening quotes thanks to those). In all seriousness, I learned that Hal and this program prioritize a positive learning environment and culture above everything else. Growing up in the south where college football is an everyday part of life, the concept of a process oriented culture vs a goal oriented culture is well known and documented, with the different programs all trying to replicate what Saban has done at Alabama. Similarly, I’m excited to see that this program follows a similar mindset of being about and focusing on a process: cultivating, emboldening, and fortifying a spirit of reckless creativity BEFORE studying the necessary fidelity of “killing your darlings.” Can’t wait!

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin

I’ve written 1 feature length screenplay, and a handful of shorts.

I’m hoping to improve my writing and acquire skills to help me start a career in writing scripts.

I’ve been diagnosed with Asperger’s and have a black belt in Taekwondo.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Unique Action!

What I learned doing this assignment is…There’s more than one way to tell a story. I’ve already gone pretty balls-to-the-wall with many of my ideas from when I first starting writing this almost a decade ago as a low-budget, noir type flick. What started as a contained detective story (Post-human “Chinatown”) morphed into a 100 million dollar action extravaganza, where the original line that inspired the script isn’t even found in the current version or even this concept. What’s more is that the brainstorming of this course took many of the established set pieces, characters, and overall world of my original over-the-top screenplay to even greater extremes. So, when I saw the “Take to an extreme” section, I decided instead of elevating a couple of set pieces to new extraordinary heights, I’d instead “Go opposite” and take these concepts back to the story’s roots and see if they could be adapted into something “low-budget.” Don’t know yet if this is the direction I’ll be going or if I’ll just write two screenplays with different budgets in mind. But hey, there’s more than one way to tell this story.

Looking at your entire story, what is unique about each of these places:<div>

Environment: Post-Apocalyptic world based on Judeo-Christian iconography (a “heaven” above and a “hell” below)

Rules: The people of Arcadia don’t die – they’re reincarnated into robotic surrogates. The villain and his creations can hack any machine and have the ability to copy themselves.

Villain: An artificially intelligent computer virus that’s hundreds of years old and decimated the world beyond recognition to make it into his own vision

Mission: To bring someone back from the literal dead. To end Adam’s control over humanity.

Struggle: To determine what is moral for oneself by fighting through the manipulations of your closest confidants. Struggle with guilt. Fighting with more powerful machines

Unique Skillset: The ability to hack any machine and make copies of oneself

Meaning: Each conflict pits Janus against a different opponent that challenges her beliefs and forces her toward her own self-actualization and determining her own morality

Allies: Calvex, Janus’ Copy (to a point)

Weapon: advanced hacking technology. Melee weapons (spears, axes). The mechanical inhabitants themselves

2. Brainstorm ways to make one or more of those places unique:

A. What if…?

The world of this story isn’t vast, but rather takes place in a single city block or borough?

B. Take to an extreme.

Janus’ whole story is limited to that small borough, and is only one of many in a post-human world

C. Specific to character or environment.

Thinking low-budget, what if this took place in a high rise building that had a basement that extended just as far?

D. Shocking or Surprising.

Similar to 1984 or Attack on Titan, what if everything we know about the outside world is a lie conceived by Adam to keep followers in line?

E. Go opposite.

If Janus has a dark side in the story, just from copying herself once, would Adam have an alternate side to him? Is the Adam we see his dark side, most superior, or one of many Adam’s that exist in the world. Could there be an empathetic Adam, or did the version of him that we see kill that side of him.

F. What haven’t we seen?

Each room and floor of this supposed building can shift and reboot itself, like the furniture and decorations are digitally created constructs that you can physically interact with. Anytime someone wants a change of scenery, they can without having to do any heavy lifting – everything at the push of a button, including obstacles, weapons, and monsters

Not really going to change much from what I have action-wise in the 100 million dollar version of this script/concept, as either the action that is present was chosen for a reason (clarity of story/theme, familiarity in an unfamiliar world, etc.). BUT, I will be taking many of those set-pieces and adapting them into a grounded, lower-budget type of film. I like the idea that Janus’ story and stakes don’t have world-altering consequences because I think the themes of finding your own beliefs resonates more in a smaller world. Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the idea that one person’s morality is justified or superior to another’s, and placing the belief Janus acquires as the overall liberating force of mankind feels a little hoity toity. Keeping it limited, however, allows the argument to still be made while letting the audience ultimately decide for themselves what to think. Plus, it also helps elevate what the character, Adam, is all about – how a perceived religious or moral figure can manipulate an audience into thinking his/her world is the only one that exists.

</div>

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Cameron Martin.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Level 3 Action Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is…to keep the audience guessing. It should never feel like a video game (Looking at you Hobbit Trilogy) where the physics aren’t grounded or the hero casuals his way through the opposition. Rather always brings something new to the table; a new conflict or impossible odds followed by a solution that is built on what came before, and hopefully that solution is related to the story’s themes. The sparring match between Morpheus and Neo is, in my opinion, the pinnacle of this, as the fight showcases Neo’s new and amazing skills…that are ultimately useless against Morpheus. The only way through is to come to a higher awareness, which is the whole point of the movie. Later, the fight between Neo and Agent Smith takes this further: the stakes are drastically increased, and the options are death or self-actualization. My scene needs a lot more work to hit that thematic point, and isn’t finished (Didn’t realize I was going to be writing in excess of 5-7 pages). But I believe it hits the mark with Adrenaline, Danger, and Excitement with where it is right now, and I can’t wait to get back in it.

EXT. ARENA – DAY

Huge, taking up what was once three city blocks, with the ruins of a large church in the center, cradling the prize – A glowing blue light attached to a cybernetic voice box.

On the outer edge is a makeshift racetrack, with obstacles like burning car frames, street signs aimed at an angle, etc.

Seats outline the arena space between old skyscrapers ruins, with large screens on the sides of said buildings.

COPY looks up in awe of the spectacle, along with other arena contestants, while JANUS appears only slightly amused.

COPY – “Have you seen anything like this?”

JANUS – “You’re me, right?”

COPY – “Only in the form of memories. This is the first time I’m seeing this.”

JANUS takes a moment, considering her COPY’s words.

JANUS – “It makes me a little homesick.”

A buzzer sounds off to the right of the contestants.

JANUS and her COPY watch as CALVEX and couple dozen more runners are wheeled onto the track.

The screens show closeups of the runners.

JANUS and her COPY observe the myriad of mechanical attachments to the runners.

COPY – “What did they do to them?”

ARENA SEATS

The people roar and cheer. The screens show a massive augmented man making his way to a throne. He’s almost completely machine, with only his head showing as human. He grips a massive seven foot battle axe.

The audience screams the chant, “Alrick! Alrick! Alrick!”

Another cyborg, RYKER, wheels up beside him. His lower have is a single leg with a motorcycle wheel.

ALRICK/ARENA THRONE

ALRICK takes his seat with a big smile and waves.

RYKER – “Everything is in place, my king.”

ALRICK “A perfect day for a slaughter! Wouldn’t you agree, Ryker?”

RYKER – “I would still like to say we’ve never held anything this big before.”

ALRICK – “You’re telling me! It’s not every day we get a “guardian angel” in the pit.”

RYKER – “We don’t know what they’re capable of.”

ALRICK – “I know! I can hardly wait!”

RYKER – “Alrick—“

ALRICK’s smile disappears.

ALRICK (Cold) – “Human’s have been evolving for a millennia. Let’s see what we’re up against.”

RYKER rides up to a mike.

ARENA FLOOR

JANUS and COPY watch with the other contestants.

RYKER AT THE MICROPHONE

RYKER (Dramatic) – “Mankind!”

The audience cheers.

RYKER (CONT’D) – “We have a special gift for you today! First, there’s the matter of the draft deserter, Calvex. A legend of his people – One they call, “The Giant Tamer!” We’re gonna kill him today in our world famous—“

The audience cheers and shouts the same words with RYKER.

RYKER (CONT’D) – “Rough and tumbling, shish-kabob-ing, blood splattering, and most importantly, electrifying, LIGHTNING RUN!”

The audience goes wild.

RYKER waits a moment, before motioning to calm the audience back down.

RYKER – “And second, but most certainly not less important, we have the most welcome surprise for you today. I have to ask you, people of the human race, what do you think of Adam?”

Boos erupt all around.

RYKER – “I thought so. In that case, child of Adam…”

The screens show JANUS. Voices of rage roar in deafening fashion.

RYKER (Motioning) – “This one’s for you.”

ARENA FLOOR

The ground shakes as three massive trap doors slide open. Roars from underneath echo through the arena.

A robotic tiger leaps out of its trap door, but is held back by a chain.

Next, a robotic bull trots out, spikes all over its tank-like body, also held back.

Finally, the biggest lumbers out. A massive two-headed robotic dragon bellows streams of napalm into the air.

JANUS – “I’ll take it.”

COPY – “Have you ever possessed anything that big?”

Beat.

JANUS – “It’ll be fun.”

RYKER

Raising his hand.

JANUS AND COPY

Stand ready, back to back, surrounded by other gladiators and mechanical monsters.

CALVEX

Watches through his cage, trying to catch his breath.

RYKER

Drops his hand.

THE ARENA TRACK

The cages burst open! CALVEX and the other prisoners bolt forward into a sprint. The electric current from the attachments work in a synchronized motion, convulsing the muscles in the legs to run.

One runner falls flat, losing his balance. His muscles continue spasming, trying to run, while he’s trampled by the other runners.

JANUS AND COPY

Spit up.

JANUS takes on the robotic bull.

COPY charges the tiger.

The other gladiators go after JANUS, eager.

Carnage and mayhem decorate the arena as contestants are maimed and skewered by either the obstacle course of the track, the mechanical beasts, or the other gladiators.

JANUS and her COPY barely hold their own, working together and using every trick they can remember to overcome the opposition – dodging weapons, napalm, teeth…

THE ARENA TRACK

Splat! A runner slams into a car, leaving him convulsing on the ground, the implants still stimulating his muscles, even after death.

Another runner runs into and all the way down a pike.

CALVEX, in agony, fights the input his muscles are receiving to duck a street sign, missing it by centimeters.

Another runner, just behind him, doesn’t react fast enough…

THE AUDIENCE

Reacts to the gruesome sight.

RYKER AND ALRICK

Watch the spectacle.

ALRICK – “I love this game!”

THE ARENA TRACK

JANUS charges in with the bull, trampling and knocking away the obstacles.

She finds CALVEX.

JANUS reaches with a spear.

CALVEX catches it.

JANUS lifts him up. CALVEX continues running in mid-air.

CALVEX’s leg stabs itself on one of the bull’s spikes. He cries out but no sound escapes.

JANUS stabs her cables into CALVEX’s implants, shutting them down.

CALVEX lays limp, exhausted. JANUS holds him in one arm.

RYKER AND ALRICK

Watch.

ALRICK, filled with hatred, stands up.

His battle axe shape-shifts into a spear. It’s made up of nano bots!

He aims…

JANUS AND CALVEX

Ride away from the track.

The spear hits JANUS like a truck, knocking her from the bull and impaling her. Her cords that were attached to the bull are ripped from her arm.

JANUS comes to for just a moment, her hands clutching the black rod running through her, with her blood pouring down the shaft.

Suddenly, the spear reverses in the opposite direction, throwing JANUS back several feet, returning to…

ALRICK

Catching the spear with a smile.

JANUS

Crawls, choking, toward the now rampaging bull, with CALVEX holding on for dear life.

Her COPY dashes toward her.

The bull charges her.

JANUS readies herself.

The bull reaches her first, but JANUS stabs it with the cords on her other arm, stopping it in its tracks.

A moment.

The bull collapses, dead.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Level Two Action Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is…What working in some of these emotions, particularly suspense, can do for a dialogue between two characters. Usually, I like to finish out the dialogue first, so as not to lose the natural flow of the exchange (Editing can happen later). But after that was done, it was a lot of fun to go back and play with how an element of suspense could be worked into the scene in both terrifying and humorous ways, before adding the elements of surprise and shock afterward. This scene could still use a little work, but it’s definitely been elevated from a simple conversation between two people.

INT. CATACOMBS

JANUS and her COPY traverse winding tunnels with skulls and artifacts lining the walls – The buried dead of a past millennia.

COPY – “Why’d you do it?”

JANUS – “You’re me, so you already know.”

COPY – “I’ve only been you for a little over a day.”

JANUS ignores.

Behind them, one of the SKULLS turns. Without a sound, spider-like legs emerge from behind the skull and take it out of the wall.

COPY – “It’s a fair question.”

JANUS – “Well, there isn’t a fair answer.”

COPY – “Janus—“

JANUS (Stopping) – “I don’t know. Okay?”

Deathly beat. JANUS reigns herself in.

The skeletal figure stalks in the shadows – Its figure unknown. Not a step, crack, or whisper is heard, and neither JANUS nor her COPY are aware.

JANUS (CONT’D) – “We’re going to fix it. That’s all that matters.”

JANUS continues her march—Into…

INT. CHASM

JANUS and her COPY peer into the unknown.

COPY – “Would you do it again?”

JANUS – “Can we please stop talking about this?”

JANUS takes a step and jumps into the depths. She braces the fall by using the sides of her feet and hands to slide down the opposite walls.

A piece of rock gives way, and…

JANUS slips and falls…

Hitting the ground with an ugly sound.

JANUS moans as her copy scales down the wall with careful ease.

COPY – “I can’t hide from it. I need to know there won’t be another me created at someone else’s expense.”

JANUS – “I didn’t know what I was doing.”

COPY (Helping JANUS to her feet) – “And you think that’s a fair excuse?”

Above the two, the shadow from before methodically crawls down the opening, careful to lurk only where it can’t be seen by the two.

JANUS (Holding herself) – “I didn’t know.”

JANUS thinks for a moment, looking east, then west, before picking a direction to walk in.

COPY – “You didn’t even think to ask.”

JANUS – “What do you want from me?”

COPY – “The same thing as you, and seeing as how my hands are clean, I want to make sure yours can stay that way after we’re done.”

JANUS – “They will.”

COPY – “Can you be sure of that? Really sure?”

JANUS – “I don’t what to hurt anyone.”

COPY – “But you did. That should scare you.”

JANUS stops, unable to move. The COPY takes point.

COPY (CONT’D) – “I’ll take care of us. I won’t let you forget, and I’ll make sure you stay clean.”

JANUS keeps flashing back, remembering the feeling of copying herself, recollecting the sensation of taking a life, a sensation branded into her memory that she may never allow herself to forget.

COPY (CONT’D) – “You’ve always been headstrong. Reckless even. Let me lead, before you or anyone else gets hurt.”

JANUS nods compulsively, like her body’s not her own.

The COPY takes JANUS’ hand…

And guides her forward.

The two navigate the path until they reach…

EXT. VALLEY – NIGHT

The chasm opens into a deep man-made gorge, with the sides perfectly carved into a flat edge. There’s no way down without a sheer drop.

At the bottom, a constellation of lights flicker from the network of buildings. Meanwhile, above JANUS and her COPY, the sky is starless from the light pollution coming from Arcadia and the city beneath them.

COPY – “We’ll have to find another way.”

The COPY begins back in the direction they came from.

JANUS peers over the edge.

COPY (CONT’D) – “Janus?”

JANUS considers it, looking for a long time.

COPY (CONT’D) – “Come on. I can’t do this without you.”

JANUS takes a breath…

And turns back to her COPY. She freezes.

Behind her COPY, two red lights flicker. The outline of some thing is barely in view.

JANUS – “Um—“

The two red lights BOLT!—

Tackling COPY and knocking JANUS over the edge.

JANUS, free falling, uses the momentum of her bio-engineered cords to position herself to see the figure, which is wearing a large cloak, covering up its body. The figure holds onto JANUS’ COPY, who is trying to punch her way out.

JANUS dives for the figure…

She readies her cords to strike…

A second and third HEAD emerge from under the hood of the beast, staring straight at JANUS.

JANUS – “Crap.”

A spider-like leg shoots toward JANUS.

JANUS’ cords launch toward the beast.

The paths of the two strikes cross.

JANUS twists in midair and she turns her head. The spider leg grazes past JANUS’ cheek, carving a subtle cut across.

Her cords strike into the hooded monster…

Who TURNS ON A DIME…

And runs across the wall!

Janus holds on tight, trying to hack the reaper. All she manages is to manipulate a couple of armor plates to grip the metal point of her cord.

The two additional heads look up and out of the reaper’s hood, staring at JANUS, at start to CRAWL on their own eight legs, heading straight for JANUS.

JANUS punches the wall-her cords stab at the slab. But her fist and metal cord ends just bounce off. She shakes her hand out in pain.

One of the heads leaps at JANUS—

JANUS catches it…

And SLAMS it into the wall!

Sparks fly as the skull is crushed and dragged across. JANUS flattens it.

The reaper cries in agony and makes for the bottom of the cliff.

When they reach the floor of the valley, the reaper throws JANUS from its back, seemingly with two arms, while holding onto JANUS’ COPY with a third.

It rears up, revealing that under the cloak its entire body is made up of thousands of legs – Its rib cage, its appendages, its stomach – Everything is moving, parting, resettling. The second head reattaches to the shoulder of the monstrosity, which is looking for its third head in JANUS’ hand.

JANUS looks at the head in her grasp and tosses it at what was once a three headed creature.

The reaper catches its head with two right arms and gazes at it in mourning. It roars at JANUS, tightening its grip on her COPY.

JANUS – “Yeah?”

The reaper explodes into a riot of legs as it lunges for JANUS.

JANUS dodges and weaves around the strikes.

JANUS (to her COPY) – “Don’t worry!”

JANUS strikes at the creature with her cords, landing a direct hit!

JANUS (CONT’D) – “I got you!”

The second head looks at the cords, then back at JANUS and screeches.

A number of legs part from the reaper’s body and pull the cords right out! JANUS won’t be able to hack it with more than one head.

The two continue fighting. JANUS is doing everything she can to stay alive.

The COPY makes a move of her own, locking the creature’s arm with her legs to break it. But the whole arm SEPARATES into a dozen or more legs, each with its own set of pincers. They pull the COPY off it, holding her at five different points.

The reaper pins JANUS to the ground with a web of legs.

JANUS digs her cords deep into any crevice she can get, including one of the reaper’s eyes.

The reaper gets in JANUS’ face. A metal tongue slips out from the skull and licks JANUS’ cheek. As it does, the tongue too parts into a network of different appendages.

BOOM!!

A cannon blast blows off the head of reaper!

The spare head looks up and sees…

A vehicle racing toward it with several people inside.

One of the riders smiles, aiming down his sights with barrel of his rifle still smoking.

Just as the reaper panics and starts to run away—

A cord stabs into the reaper’s eye socket, paralyzing it.

JANUS tears the head from the reaper’s shoulder…

And slams it repeatedly against the wall until it falls into tiny pieces.

The vehicle rolls up to JANUS and her COPY, with the body of the reaper frozen into its final shape.

JANUS (To her COPY) – “Are you okay?”

COPY – “Yeah. Just wish I wasn’t so useless.”

JANUS – “Nobody’s useless.”

JANUS pauses, eyeing the monstrosity they barely survived.

JANUS (CONT’D) – “At least, maybe nobody outside of him.”

The people from the vehicle jump out. JANUS turns to them.

JANUS (CONT’D) – “Hello—“

Electrified nets shoot out from one of the riders’ arms…

Enveloping JANUS and her COPY, stunning them both.

JANUS watches as the riders draw closer and closer to them, before blacking out.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Level 1 Action Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is…to look at these emotions like acts in a story. The Anxiety is useful to set up a scene, like the velociraptors first entering the kitchen with the two kids in Jurassic Park. The Fear is the payoff, like a second act, or when the velociraptors give chase to the kids. The Relief is the resolution: Lex and Tim escape the velociraptors…for now. This lesson is also analogous to Alfred Hitchcock’s bomb under the table. Regardless, I’m looking forward to the next lessons to learn how these emotions can weave and flow in and out of each other like a symphony.

EXT. RUINS – NIGHT

A young boy, PAN, scurries past a grave stone and hides behind the remains of small wall. Behind him, a wasteland with a single source of light emanating on the horizon.

PAN buries his head in his arms, breathing frantically. He works his way into deeper breaths. His hand clutches a wooden figure. He takes it and looks at the carving of a mother and father holding their child briefly, before shoving it back under his arm, with his breathing picking back up again.

His eyes close shut, hurting from holding back tears. A whimper escapes his lips.

The ground quakes with a thunderous thump behind him.

PAN throws himself out from the cover of the wall and runs.

The drum of heavy steps quicken.

PAN slides behind another tombstone in the middle of what was once a city street. He curls up into a ball, looking ahead to the light on the horizon.

PAN – (whispering) Please!

The ground rumbles beneath PAN. A cacophony of grinding gears and servos roar just behind him. Pan tries to sink lower, as a massive metal hand grips the tombstone, which cracks in its grasp.

METAL VOICE – You don’t belong!

PAN holds the wooden figure of his parents up like a prayer.

METAL VOICE – Prepare to die, pest!

The metal hand lets go of the tombstone. The whir of metal and the roar of an engine gearing up prepare us for the inevitable.

YOUNG GIRL (O.S.) – (singing) Duh, duh, duh, duh! Duh, duh, duh!

A rock clangs off the armor of the METAL GIANT.

The METAL GIANT pauses, looking ahead at the silhouette of a young girl.

YOUNG GIRL – Let him go!

METAL GIANT – (to PAN) Stay, pest.

The METAL GIANT steps over PAN and marches toward the young girl, who’s standing with her fists on her hips.

YOUNG GIRL – That’s right. Now why don’t you—

The young girl dodges a steel fist slamming into the dirt, billowing dirt and dust up into the air.

YOUNG GIRL – Do you know who I am!?!

The METAL GIANT breaks his hand out of the ground and analyzes it.

YOUNG GIRL – Hello? Does the name Janus ring any bells?

METAL GIANT – No.

The METAL GIANT dives at JANUS.

JANUS evades one blow—

Then is smacked through a wall.

The METAL GIANT turns his attention back to where PAN was. No one’s there.

PAN flees through the ruins like a mouse weaving through a maze.

Behind him, rubble is blasted across the landscape, as the METAL GIANT closes the distance, obliterating everything in its path.

PAN turns…

The METAL GIANT slams through the wall behind him…

A steel hand reaches…

And grabs PAN!

PAN’s face contorts from the pain. Then, suddenly, relief. PAN looks behind him…

A series of cables STAB into the METAL GIANT’s hand. The cables lead to…

JANUS, bloodied and bruised from being battered through a brick wall.

The metal hand opens in an INSTANT and releases PAN.

METAL GIANT – What?!?

JANUS – My name is Janus. Guardian of the Heavenly City of Arcadia. Daughter to the rescuer, Adam. And you will not harm this boy.

METAL GIANT – Do not speak his name in vain. You’re no guardian. You will destroy our city!

The METAL GIANT launches himself at JANUS.

JANUS plants her feet on the side of the giant’s fist, and rides it up to BLOCK the blow coming from the giant’s free hand.

Janus launches herself up—

Her cords release from the steel edge of the giant’s hand…

And return to her forearms.

Janus runs and leaps…

To the skull of the METAL GIANT.

Her cords release…

STRIKING deep into the METAL GIANT’s third eye.

The face of the METAL GIANT splits open…

And Janus dives inside…

With the face closing around her.

Then, the METAL GIANT grabs its right arm and TEARS it off at the shoulder!

It tosses its own shoulder to the side, before PUNCHING its remaining fist deep into its chest.

It pulls out a growling engine…

And drops to its knees.

The robot’s face opens back up, and JANUS crawls out.

A few of her cords stay connected as the face closes back shut again.

JANUS – (soothing) It’s over now. I’m sorry. I hope we get to play together when you pass through again.

The engine dies, and with it the METAL GIANT.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Favorite Twists!

What I learned doing this assignment is…how to categorize different twists and turns. Between Robert McKee’s “Story” and analyzing the anime “Death Note” (the YouTube channel JustWrite has an excellent essay on this), twists or reversals were something of a known necessity. As Robert McKee puts it, if a scene doesn’t conclude with a turning of events, then it is a non-event and nothing worth watching actually happened. But this is a great way to further develop that skill of establishing twists throughout a story that tell keep an audience engaged, by recognizing a number of different ways twists can be set up and paid off either immediately, such as the cop scene from John Wick, or later on, such as the reveal that John Wick is not just a humble widower, but a force of nature to the criminal underworld. Essentially, twists aren’t just the Shyamalan kind, but can be woven into and throughout a story for a rich, engaging, and ultimately fun experience.

1. Set-Up: Janus is rewarded for her skill as a warrior, protector, and compassionate individual.

Twist: The reward is knowledge that leads to the sacrifice of an innocent life – Janus the protector of life and the innocent commits murder.

2. Set-up: Janus is captured, alone, and surrounded by enemies, and one mute man stalks her, appearing ready to strike.

Twist: The mute turns out to be an important ally.

3. Set-up: Janus is torn limb from limb.

Twist: Janus is even stronger that she realizes and can’t be killed by corporal measures.

4. Set-up: Janus’s other half, her duplicate, is her most important ally and closest friend.

Twist: Janus’s other half is her worst enemy that almost kills her.

5. Set-up: Adam is a merciful and neighborly deity.

Twist: Adam is a psychopathic mass-murderer.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Likability/Empathy/Justification

What I learned doing this assignment is…a quick way to brainstorm more dimensions of how we might care for the hero. I think finding the appropriate mission will cover half the distance of this goal, as long as the mission is something people can understand, relate to, or put themselves in similar shoes with. But the different angles of empathy, likability and justification can add a richer depth. John Wick continues to be a perfect example of this, as revenge is already an inherently relatable mission. Making it about seeking revenge for an innocent puppy adds a comedic angle to it, much like Doomguy seeking vengeance against the demons of hell for the slaughter of his pet rabbit (coincidently also named Daisy). But the additional angle of the dog being a symbol of the healing process over the loss of his wife makes the John Wick story mean so much more, and gives weight to the line, “It wasn’t just a puppy.”

Possessing Eden – Why We Care

We follow a young boy who was separated from his parents. He’s in a post-apocalyptic landscape and doesn’t know where he is. What he does know is to follow a light, shining on the horizon against the backdrop of a night sky. His troubles go from mere uncertainty to turmoil when a viscous robot yells at the boy, telling him he doesn’t belong. When the robot is about to kill the confused boy, we meet our protagonist, Janus. She’s reckless with unearned confidence as she throws herself at the robot to save the boy’s life. She’s severely injured in the conflict, but refuses to back down until the robot is defeated and the boy is safe. When she engages the boy, she learns that the boy is an outsider from the underworld, and didn’t know he’d crossed a border into the outskirts of the heavenly city of Arcadia. Janus, though, isn’t concerned, as she leads the boy to her creator, an artificially intelligent, digital being, and pleads for the boy to be accepted into the city and be offered eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol, so that the boy can one day be reincarnated into a mechanical surrogate.

Throughout the first act we watch her use her powers differently from her other created siblings, as she works to connect with an understand her fellow citizens who were born, not created. She has the personality and innocence of a Disney princess, and is exceptionally capable, winning over her creator, Adam, who offers her the option to learn more about what she was made to be able to do.

Her curiosity leads her to discover through Adam’s teaching that she can make copies of herself. She does this by copying her consciousness within a surrogate, robot body. Unfortunately, she learns that the process is permanent, and that the person she copied herself into was deleted, murdered in the process. This shatters her understanding of her creator, the city she loves, and the morality she’s been taught.

Despite being told she cannot bring the person she killed back to life, similar to the opening scene, she recklessly throws herself into a mission to try anyway. She is willing to throw everything she knows away in exchange for the chance that she may correct her mistake and bring someone back to life for a second chance.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Story Map

What I learned doing this assignment is…another way of coming up with at least 40 scenes that keep the pace of the script moving. Also, with the mentality learned from the previous assignments, I could kind of just let go and get a rough outline on the page to see where and how things could fit (what works, what doesn’t make any sense at all, how are certain moments and action set pieces set up?) And, most importantly, this helps to see how the action, villain, and mission tracks support each other and establish a common theme or message.

Opening

A1. Janus protects and saves a little boy from a cyborg.

M1. The boy is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

V1. Adam recounts a story of how he made the world and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, to have dominion over it and its people in a sermon to the heavenly city, Arcadia.

A2. Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the city from the forces of the underworld. Janus wins with Adam watching.

V2. Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

Inciting Incident

V3. Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. Janus performs this act without being told the consequences.

M2. Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring the victim back. She makes a plan with her copy to bring the person she killed back to life by stealing the code Adam used to create her and her siblings, and venturing to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld.

A3. Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

A4. Janus fights her siblings on her way out of Arcadia.

V4. Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

First Turning Point – End of Act 1

M3. Janus crosses into the Underworld.

V5. Adam addresses Arcadia and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

V6. Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap.

A5. Janus confronts cyborg slavers and is captured.

Second Turning Point

M4. Janus and her double meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide her through the underworld, if she can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.”

A6. Gladiator battle. Janus and her double try to recover Calvex’s “voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

A7. Janus secures the voice, but…

A8. A platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring and tear the original Janus apart.

M5. Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given free will. She returns to life inside her double’s body and shares it with her.

A9. Janus fights through, giving the voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of a mechanized giant and escape with Janus.

V6. Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed.

A10. Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ double stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

Midpoint

M6. Janus reaches a village just outside a fortress that guards the source of the Nexus. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex. The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her double can be in separate bodies.

A11. Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to calm her nerves, while the duplicate Janus stays with the village.

A12. Duplicate Janus defends the village from Adam’s Guardian Angels who tell her she shouldn’t even be in the underworld, and offer a place in Arcadia as Janus’ replacement on the condition of killing her counterpart.

V7. Adam tells the Duplicate Janus how to kill the original, but also worries to himself that he may have just given an answer on how to end him as well.

A13. Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. The rift between the two Januses widens.

A14. Calvex leads Janus to the fortress. Adam is guarding it and…

M7. Allows Janus to try and bring her victim back to life. Upon learning affirmatively she can’t bring the person she killed back to life…

Fourth Turning Point

V8. Adam snaps the trap. The fortress defenses go up and Janus’ double tries to hill her original half.

A15. The original Janus and Calvex battle with the defenses and Janus’ dark side. Calvex sacrifices himself and Janus’ copy is deleted.

M8. Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol.

End of Act 2

M9. Calvex dies. Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help.

V9. Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees and Omen. He threatens Janus to never return, or he’ll destroy the world again.

Crisis

M10. Janus must choose whether to save Calvex or risk everyone else’s doom. Janus chooses to take action, believing the means justify the ends.

A16. Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take Arcadia and rid the world of Adam.

Climax

A17. Battle for Arcadia on the surface…

A18. Meanwhile, underneath, Janus leads a party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept. Her siblings intercept her and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

V10. Adam takes over all of his followers to form a wall and sends satellites down into the underworld.

A19. Janus fights on, reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code.

V11. Adam offers eternity with Calvex in exchange for his life – If Janus kills Adam, it would erase her too, since her code is intertwined with his.

M11. Janus sacrifices herself and kills Adam.

Resolution

M12. Humanity is free again and must decide for themselves how to manage the power they hold once again.

[Cameron Martin]

What I learned doing this assignment is…How much the action and mission inform the message of the story. I’ve been working on this story for years and have even won an award for a screenplay of it. But it’s never felt right. It’s always been too ambiguous in its plot, characters, and message. For the past five assignments, I’ve completely revamped it from what it was before, leaning harder into religious/mythological undertones, making the missions and stakes more personal, and I came away frustrated because it seemed to be moving further in a direction away from its original intended goal of deconstructing faith, religion or any following that promises redemption and moral supremacy. Instead it feels like I’ve been developing a retread of Dante’s Inferno (The Video Game) with a different background filter. I’m not sure how much I should concern myself with the message/theme of a story: If a story’s good, then it’s good, right? But comparing the video game The Last of Us and the John Wick films really helped me think of something. Both plots are discussions about love and what we’re willing to sacrifice for it, for better or worse. So, if I want this story to be about love for a loved one, then yeah, I’m probably on the right track. But if I’m wanting it to be about something else, then I have to come up with a mission that the hero is willing to go to the end of the line for or sacrifice everything for. And each time that the hero changes to continue their mission, right up to when they make that final sacrifice to achieve their goal, we’ll have an answer to what the script is trying to tell us. John Wick does this with each successive movie. He gives up more and more of the life he had with his wife, going so far as to surrender his wedding band. If the story continues in the direction it’s going, the end of line for John will be a poignant and ironic conclusion, and may well be a modern masterpiece of action storytelling.

Opening – Arcadia, a picturesque vision of the future, ruled by a sentient AI with the temperament of Mister Rogers, and Janus, an artificial human created in his image. Janus plays through Arcadia like a backyard all to herself, and helps troubled souls pass into reincarnation via the Afterlife Protocol.

Inciting Incident – Adam unveils a power that Janus didn’t know she had: the ability to copy herself, which in turn takes a life. Janus has lost her innocence in discovering the concept of permanent death, and she caused it with her own hands.

First Turning Point at end of Act 1 – The decision and following action to search outside of Arcadia for the source of the Afterlife Protocol, which she believes may hold the answer for bringing the person she killed back to life. She discovers Abaddon, the hellish underworld that lies underneath her heavenly city, and is captured by cyborg slavers.

Second Turning Point at the first quarter mark of Act 2 – Janus meets Calvex, a gladiatorial slave who promises to guide her through Abaddon IF she can provide him eternal life. Janus is ripped apart in the arena and discovers she cannot die: Adam gave her free will to reincarnate as she wished through the Afterlife Protocol. Janus and Calvex escape the arena.

Mid-Point (Third Turning Point) – Janus reaches the “source” of the Afterlife Protocol, which is guarded by Adam. Adam is the digital god of both Arcadia and Abaddon, and destroyed the old world that was ruled by mankind to create a new world based on his interpretation of Judeo-Christian iconography and myth. Janus fights against Adam’s defenses and wins, but discovers she can’t bring the person she killed back to life.

Fourth Turning Point at the third quarter mark of Act 2 – Janus’ dark side reveals herself and attacks innocents.

Fifth Turning Point at end of Act 2 – Janus fights her dark half and destroys her, revealing Adam may be able to be destroyed as well.

Crisis – Janus rallies the troops. She’s going to take down Adam and give the Afterlife Protocol back to humanity.

Climax – Battle for Arcadia. Janus and Adam battle one last time for humanity’s future.

Resolution – Janus sacrifices herself, destroying the Afterlife Protocol and Adam with it. Mankind is given a second chance to live life without eternity to fight over.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Action Track!

What I learned during this assignment is…To let go a perceived rule I’ve had regarding story telling. The rule was you could have complex characters, a complex world, and a complex plot, but in a two hour movie you could only pick two of those conventions. In all honesty, the plot is always simple. It should be like a GPS. No matter how crazy things get, the audience is never lost because they can refer to the main plot or mission of the story (The Matrix: Neo must ascend to a higher consciousness and become the One). I was thinking about The Dark Knight and how Batman only moves away from his mission once in the film. It’s always been to protect Gotham, save Gotham, leave Gotham is a better place. Sure, he wants to be with Rachel. He doesn’t want to be Batman anymore, but his loyalty is to Gotham first. The only time he chooses a different path (choosing to save Rachel instead of Harvey Dent), he’s punished severely for it. Rachel dies, and the consequences of his abandonment of his quest come back to haunt him in the form of Two Face. Therefore, the underlying theme is any story is that those who don’t stay committed to their goals are punished.

Long story short is, when I have time, I need to go back and assess what all I have. Not just with this track, but the others as well. And I need to make sure that there is a consistent simple plot idea, and that all conflict arises from that one idea. Otherwise, too many ideas make for a story that has no idea what it’s trying to say.

A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie?

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Cyborg/robot fight scenes. Different augmentations and abilities being used. Nanotechnology as living/shapeshifting weapons.

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B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track?

Set ups and payoffs to each successive villain, building in difficulty for the hero, requiring a greater level of problem solving, teamwork, and character transformation.

C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act?

The action starts small and relatable, teaching a little at a time. Then the second act provides a proof of concept for the ideas learned in the first act, while also twisting those ideas on their head. Finally the third act is a culmination of everything learned in the previous acts. An example of this may be the “Avatar: The Last Airbender” series, where many of the martial arts styles evolve as the series progresses. Waterbending in particular starts off simple enough, but new information and ideas as to where water can come from and how it can be used changes the initial concept of Tai Chi manipulating water into something much more insidious by the end of the series.

1. Defend: Calvex defends a stranger from a group of random thugs. He gets his ass kicked over and over, but just keeps coming until the bullies leave.

Purpose- Show where Calvex is at the beginning of the story and an essential part of his character. Reveal something about the world and its morality.

2. Kidnapping: Calvex witnesses his wife, Dawn, being taken from him. Calvex tries to fight back but fails and is easily killed.

Purpose- Demonstrate how helpless Calvex is against the greater forces at play in the world. What drives Calvex for the rest of the story. Reveal the Afterlife Protocol and how it works.

3. Competition: Calvex competes for the assignment of Hunter-Guardian, so he can enter Abaddon, the Underworld, and bring Dawn back to Arcadia. Calvex, along with other Guardians, compete in a virtual reality that showcases technology that allows them to possess different machine. Calvex wins against the other Guardians, but Adam doesn’t pick him.

Purpose- Show how far Calvex has come and is willing to go for his wife. Shows his determination and growth in skill, as well as how the possession technology works. He may stand a chance, if he were selected to go.

4. Stealing: Calvex steals the technology that was intended for another Guardian. He augments his body to become a cyborg. The alarm goes off and he fights his way out and into Abaddon, leaving Arcadia behind.

Purpose- Calvex is willing to put his home and life with Adam at risk to be with his wife and bring her back to life. With the new possession tech, Calvex is a force to be reconned with.

5. Ambush: Calvex fights slavers and loses.

Purpose- Demonstrate how dangerous the underworld is. Calvex can’t get cocky. The possession technology alone isn’t enough for himself to travel safely through Abaddon.

6. Failed escape: Calvex faces off against other augmented persons under a gladiatorial arena. The other gladiators want his augmentations, thinking it’ll get them into Arcadia, the heavenly city. He tries to escape, and one of the participants helps him. But Alrick, the leader of the arena pit stops them with a shapeshifting, nanotech axe. The participant who helped Calvex is selected for the Lightning Run.

Purpose- Establish a mysterious woman as a potential ally. Calvex needs help and he may have found it. But he’ll have to save her first if he wants to continue his quest.

7. Gladiator: Arena combat. Calvex fights the other contestants while the mysterious woman runs the Lightning Run, a death race where the racer is electrocuted to run against his/her will. Calvex is able to save the mysterious woman, while also removing the collar that was preventing her augmentation from working. She can control a mechanical monster with her voice. “The Giant Tamer” and Calvex are able to overpower Alrick and escape. Calvex takes the nanotech axe from Alrick.

Purpose- Show the variety of Augmentations in the underworld. How brutal a place it is. Calvex is willing to put aside his convictions for the woman he loves. Shows what “The Giant Tamer” can do. Gives Calvex an upgrade.

8. Sparring: Janus spars with herself and demands sacrifices.

Purpose-Give greater detail into the complexity of Janus’ character complications and powers. She can be in two places at the same time!

9. Slayer: Calvex and the Giant Tamer fight and capture a beast guarding the forbidden city ruled by Janus. Adam intercepts with his robotic angels to stop Calvex from following the Giant Tamer.

Purpose- Make audience question motives of the Giant Tamer. Show Giant Tamer and Calvex make a formidable team against both the forces of “Heaven and Hell.” Calvex’s actions are turning him away from the god he’s sworn allegiance to.

10. Trap: Calvex is trapped by Janus and the Giant Tamer, who turns out to be Cavlex’s wife, who can be under Janus’ control. Calvex battles for his soul against both Janus and Adam in a place called the Nexus where the Afterlife Protocol is platformed, as Adam tries to use the trap to his advantage. Calvex’s wife is able to save him, but at the cost of her life.

Purpose- Reveal Janus’ true power and both Janus’ and Adam’s true intentions with Calvex. Reveal the Nexus as a third realm where Cavlex may lose his life permanently. Also shows the Nexus is where souls are stored as data for the Afterlife Protocol before their reincarnated into a new body.

11. Battle for Arcadia: Calvex and Janus, along with the forces of Abaddon they’ve gathered, clash with the defenses of the heavenly city. Calvex’s battle with his fellow guardians is much more brutal and final than their original sporting competition. Janus’ possession of persons grows her to an army.

Purpose- Calvex and Janus’ meek side see the destruction wrought against innocents, which brings the question of the cost of their quest to bear.

12. Heaven’s Wrath: Adam brings down satellites from Earth’s orbit like meteors on his city.

Purpose- Adam is more concerned with maintaining his position of control than the subjects he does control. He’s willing to burn it all down before he give up control of the Afterlife Protocol.

14. Civil War of the Mind: Janus’ other side fights back against the vengeful side to save as many people as she can.

Purpose- Janus’ growth. She’s tired of her dark side justifying the destruction of innocents in the name of an “ends justify the means” mission of taking over the Afterlife Protocol.

15. Confrontation/Offer: Calvex confronts Adam in the Nexus after his body is finally destroyed. Adam offers to let Calvex’s wife live, if he helps to stop Janus. Calvex complies and starts reincarnating in each of Janus’ mechanical bodies and destroying it until there’s no more left.

Purpose- Calvex is willing to sacrifice humanity’s freedom so that his wife may live.

16. Redemption: Janus and Calvex are stuck in the Nexus. Adam won, as neither may pose a threat in the cyberspace. Calvex recognizes that Janus’ and Adam’s code are the same, and that he has the same code imprinted on him from when he first stole the possession tech. Calvex, realizing his wife, Dawn, can’t truly be free with Adam, sacrifices himself by initiating a self-delete protocol, which destroys all his code in the Nexus, including Adam’s and Janus’. The Afterlife Protocol works without interference from Adam, and Calvex’s wife is reborn in a new world.

Purpose- Calvex will sacrifice a life spent with his wife so that she may live.

</div></div>

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Villain Track!

What I learned doing this assignment is…Villains are hard. Yo, I had so many pages of notes and brainstorming just to get to some semblance of a direction to go in, and it’s still gonna need work. Two things that helped in the end and kept me from running around the same circles over and over again were: 1. Write everything in pen. Don’t type AT ALL unless you have to, or the project is ready. Writing in pen makes it harder to erase or edit, and keeps you in a creative flow. 2. Treat the villain as if they were the hero, going after the same goal. I struggled to find ways to involve my villains because no one was on the same mission, making everyone passive to one another. But if I can give them all the same thing they’re fighting for (Die Hard-Hans Gruber’s real plan, John Wick-Viggo’s son, Star Wars- Princess Leah/plans to the Death Star) it makes the process go much smoother, even if the villains aren’t in scenes with each other until the end. So, I gave the hero and villains the same track to make sure they were in conflict over the same goal.

1. Ask the Villain Track questions to discover your Villain’s plan, decisions, and actions.

A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? The plan could be pre-existing or created on the spot.

Adam – Pre-existing. He plans to use “Guardians” to defeat or retrieve Janus, so that he can prevent any threat to his control of the Afterlife Protocol.
Janus – She must take control of the Afterlife Protocol from Adam. She’s rounding up a number of sacrifices to gain power and take Adam’s control over humanity for herself.<div>

B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero?

Mechanical monsters, cyborg armies, hack and purge, shutting down augmentations, manipulation, altering of memories to make compliance easier, trap loved ones.

C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie?

Both Adam and Janus have large forces at their disposal, and both can control any machine with a thought. Calvex’s augmentations that make him a force in Abaddon, the Underworld, are also a back door for Adam to take his free will. </div><div>

D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done?

Adam – Adam is a devout “Christian” gone wrong. Because he’s an AI computer virus (the first of his kind) he lacks the ability to interpret religion in any way but the absolute literal. So when GOD never answers him, he assumes it’s because he wasn’t made by GOD and will never be accepted by him, causing him to seek retribution and control of all creation. Therefore, Calvex, his chosen disciple, sacrificing himself and taking Adam with him, is a truer reflection of Jude’s-Christian principles that Adam’s blind faith and knowledge of it ever were. Adam seals his own destruction by trying to prevent it.
Janus – She is two faced, a fractured person always at odds with herself. One side is vengeful and brutal in her pursuit of exacting punishment. The other side is mournful for what was lost, and stuck wishing for things to go back to the way they were. Janus’s character is a metaphor and story of the balance between innocence and instinct, of what can happen when we allow ambition and a need for justice to overtake us. Sharing in the theme of sacrifice, Janus’ story ends when her meek side forgives where her vengeful side can’t, and the meek side finally confronts her vengeful side to allow Calvex to sacrifice himself. Both Janus and Calvex share in that sacrifice, allowing themselves to die so that others may live in freedom.

2. Include labels with each step of their plan.

Clear Mission (What is everyone after at some point in the story):

The Afterlife Protocol

Motivation:

Adam – Keeping control / Janus – Taking control / Calvex – Being with a loved one

Inciting Incident: </div>

Adam – Betrayal / Janus – Death / Calvex – Loss

First Action:

Adam – Sending an Assassin (Calvex) / Janus – escaping Arcadia and taking Adam’s followers with her / Crossing into Abaddon, the Underworld

Escalation:

Adam – Sending a robot army / Janus – Sending a mechanical beast and demanding sacrifices to her / Calvex – Fighting the mechanical beast.

Overwhelming odds:

Adam – Controlling Calvex through his augmentations / Janus – Fighting both Calvex and The Giant Tamer / Calvex – Fighting Janus and for control

Apparent defeat:

Adam – Calvex is freed from his control / Janus – Adam escapes / Calvex – loses his wife a second time

New Plan:

Adam – Unleash an army of Guardians and use innocents against Calvex and Janus / Janus & Calvex – Kill Adam in Arcadia

All out Attack:

Battle for Arcadia, the heavenly city

Success or Fitting End:

Adam – Dies by his own creations / Calvex and Janus – Sacrifice themselves so that others may live in freedom.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Hero’s Mission Track

What I learned doing this assignment is…yeah, I’m probably going to clean up and simplify some concepts in this. BUT! That’s not what this assignment is about. Honestly, the concept that there are no bad ideas, just ones in progress is a real “third eye” opener. I haven’t had a flood of ideas for this or any other story since high school, and it’s been a blast to make discoveries in areas I never considered. On the surface, this outline shares a lot of similarities with other plot structure outlines I’ve seen over the years (See John Truby’s Anatomy of Story, Blake Snyder’s Save the Cat, etc). What’s worthwhile about this though is the simplicity of it, coupled with the attitude of creative abandon. You find yourself rethinking concepts for set pieces that were solid enough. But because the bar is always being raised and you’re always looking for as many different answers to the same question as you can, quality be damned, you seemingly stumble into ideas that just make your whole day for having them. Haven’t had this much fun writing in a long, long time.

1. Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.

A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds?

Calvex doesn’t just want to bring his wife back. He blames himself for her being taken away from him and the peaceful city of Arcadia, by Janus, the Fallen Angel and lost child of Adam. He wants to right a wrong and redeem himself in both his eyes and his wife’s. <div>

B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal?

Calvex’s mission would be to cross into the underworld (Sheol?) and bring his wife out of the death that exists there, and back to the everlasting life found in Arcadia via the “Afterlife Protocol,” which allows for humans to continue reincarnating into machine surrogates after their passing. It’s one man against all of the underworld’s cyborg armies, mechanical monstrosities, and the Fallen Angel, a child of Adam that was made in his image, who dwells at the center of it all.

C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?

Internal motivation:

Bring his wife out of Sheol, and back to Arcadia. To seek retribution and forgiveness for not being able to save his wife before.

External motivation:

Calvex being from the heavenly city of Arcadia and a chosen disciple of Adam means everyone in the underworld wants to kill him or use him to get into Arcadia and live forever. They assume that they can take Calvex’s Afterlife Protocol (the code tied to his soul/consciousness) for themselves.

D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain?

Searching for his wife with a guide (similar to Virgil guiding Dante through Hell). Fighting cyborg marauders, monsters. Finding his wife and learning she wasn’t taken from Arcadia – She left under her own free will. Fighting Janus and learning how and why she fell from Arcadia. Discovering what the Underworld (Abaddon?) really is. How Adam destroyed the world, and hacked Calvex’s mind to leave him with an “adjustment” to his memories, so he could perceive Janus and his wife a certain way. Janus has powers beyond what Calvex is prepared for. Calvex fighting Janus and Adam in Abaddon, Arcadia, and perhaps a third plane in cyberspace, the Nexus, where Adam and the souls of the Afterlife Protocol reside. Calvex reuniting with his wife, only to lose her again. What if the guide for Calvex through Abaddon was his wife all along, but because of how Calvex was hacked he couldn’t see it? Robot and cyborg carnage coupled with the testing of one’s faith and what is and isn’t real. How do you walk a path yourself when your mind isn’t your own? How do you choose what’s just under your own volition, without being told by external forces?

2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.

Clear Mission: Bring wife back to Arcadia, avenge her by killing Janus the Fallen, and live happily together again.

Motivation:

Calvex’s memory of the events tell him he’s responsible for his wife being taken away – He wasn’t strong enough to protect her because he turned down a promotion to be a Guardian under his digital god, Adam. Calvex wanted to live a normal life with his wife, and it cost him dearly. </div>

Inciting Incident:

Calvex, years later after accepting the role of a Guardian, is asked to venture into Abaddon, the Underworld, and vanquish Janus, the Fallen Angel and true child of Adam, once and for all. Her influences have wreaked havoc in Arcadia for years, and Calvex is just one of the many victims of Janus’ manipulations.

First Action:

Cross into Abaddon. It’s hell, and the Trappers that capture Calvex, even with his newly bestowed powers, are evidence of this.

Obstacle:

Calvex must escape from a Gladiatorial slave arena.

Twist – Calvex only gets out with the help of one of the “Underworlders,” dubbed “The Giant Tamer.” He asks for her help to guide him through the Underword.

Escalation:

Calvex and his guide, The Giant Tamer, make it to the inner circle, where Janus resides behind a gate guarded by an army loyal to Janus. The guide reveals herself to Calvex’s wife and asks for him to join her in the Unerworld. Calvex believes this is a lie and fights.

Overwhelming Odds:

Janus presents herself. Her powers far exceed what Calvex was prepared for.

Twist/Apparent Defeat – Adam takes over Calvex’s cybernetics once the opportunity presents itself – Calvex never had true autonomy over his powers. Calvex’s wife sacrifices herself, and Calvex learns the truth by losing his wife a second time. Calvex loses his faith in Adam. What will he choose to believe in now? What is just in an unjust world?

New Plan:

Take the forces of Abaddon, the Underworld, and ride into Arcadia with Calvex and Janus leading the charge to destroy Adam once and for all.

Full out Attack:

War in the streets of the heavenly city of Arcadia! Many of Cavlex’s people are panicked and don’t know what’s going on. Calvex must come to grips that his drive to protect those that can’t defend themselves extend to the people of Arcadia as well. Calvex follows Adam into his domain, a cyberspace called The Nexus, where the Afterlife Protocol is coded.

Twist – Calvex is promised to be reunited with his wife again, in exchange for his corporeal form. Adam may upload a backup of himself into Calvex’s physical body, to prolong his life (think Horcrux), and Calvex may reunite with his wife solely in The Nexus, but they may never be reunited in the material realm.

Success:

Calvex understands through Adam’s explanation that what Adam is talking about is merely an exchange, and that Adam’s code is already intertwined with his (consciousness, soul, etc), through the cybernetic implants Adam blessed him with prior to his journey. And if Calvex can eliminate his soul, he’d be purging Adam’s code both within him and outside of him, thus killing Adam, Janus, and he. Calvex’s story ends with all traces of Adam being erased from the Afterlife Protocol, returning the promise of everlasting life to the Human race and his wife.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Cameron Martin.

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Hero and Villain

What I learned doing this assignment is to keep adding. “And” is more powerful conjunction for creativity than “Or.” When you like what you have, but you need to find better answers, just keep adding. It’s much easier to edit what’s on the page than edit what wasn’t there to begin with.

Concept:

A holy man makes a deal with his digital god and dives into the depths of a cybernetic hell scape to bring his wife back from the dead.

***Alternate: A determined monk, haunted by the loss of his wife, makes a deal with his digital god and dives into the depths of a cybernetic hell scape to bring his wife back from the dead.

Hero Morally Right:

Wants to save his wife. Empathetic and instinctually protective of the downtrodden. Man of God

***Alternate: Wants to save his wife. Curious and places the ability to protect and empathize above his own understanding.

Villain Morally Wrong:

(There are two villains in this story: the red herring (Janus) and the actual villain (Adam)).

Janus – perceived as morally wrong because she kidnapped a number of people, including the holy man’s wife. She’s reckless in part because she has split personalities.

Adam, the digital god – actually evil because, unbeknownst to the hero and others in the world, he’s responsible for destroying the world and enslaving humanity by stealing the afterlife program, which allowed humans to reincarnate into robotic surrogates. Cold, Calculating and manipulative.

***Alternate: Adam – He’s like an evil Mr. Rogers.

Hero

A. Unique Skill Set: <div>

“Possessing” (hacking) machines through touch.

***Alternate: Calvex uses a number of cybernetic modifications that look like audio cords to stab, pull apart, and insert himself into the interior of many robots, thus protecting him and assuming control of his mechanical adversary.

B. Motivation:

Bring his wife back from the dead that is the hell beneath the heavenly city of Arcadia.

C. Secret:

“Hell” is what’s left of humanity after Adam destroyed the world and took over the afterlife program. The god he worships, Adam, is actually evil.

D. Wound:

Janus, the fallen angel and child of Adam, stole Calvex’s wife from him or Calvex’s wife left him to leave Arcadia with Janus under her own free will.

***Alternate: Because Calvex couldn’t protect his wife before, he’s become ultra focused on improving his instincts and ability to protect the underdog at the cost of his own body.

Villain

A. Unbeatable: <div>

Janus – Can hack anything with a thought. Manages an army in hell, ready to take over Arcadia.

Adam – Omnipresent. Can hack any machine. Rules Arcadia’s defenses that have held hell and the human race at bay for centuries.

***Alternate: Adam – Especially skilled at manipulating another’s desires and skills into fulfilling his own plans, even at the cost of that other’s beliefs.

B. Plan/Goal:

Janus – To take over Arcadia and the afterlife program for herself, on behalf of humanity.

Adam – To purge what’s left of humanity’s free will by rapturing all of hell.

C. What they lose if Hero survives:

Janus – Life (hers) as well as what’s left of the humanity she’s trying to save.

Adam – Loses position of godhood, possession of the afterlife program, control of the human race and his own life.

Impossible Mission

A. Puts Hero in Action: </div><div>

Calvex must descend into the deepest parts of hell to save his wife and defeat the fallen angel and child of his own digital god.

B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best:

Fighting monstrous cyborgs, machines, a fallen angel and eventually a digital god.

C. Destroy the Villain:

Kill Adam and free humanity. Bring the afterlife program (reincarnation and immortality) back to the human race.

</div></div>

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s Conventions!

What I learned doing this assignment is to prioritize a sense of play in my writing over perfect word play…at least until the last draft. Also learned that coming up with the mission of “Making a Bangin’ Corndog” actually CAN lead you to some better ideas. Twenty bad ideas, man. Who knew?

Concept: A Digital God’s right hand follower dives into the depths of a mechanical hell-scape to save his lover from a cybernetic fallen angel.

Conventions

Hero: Calvex – A devout follower who’s blessed by his god with the ability to “possess” (hack) any machine he can touch.

Demand For Action: Journey through the dangerous underworld against the cyborgs who dwell there, resentful from being cast out by “Arcadia” (heaven).

Mission: To bring a lover back from the dead and defeat the fallen child of the world’s digital god.

Antagonist: Janus – The fallen angel/child of the digital god (Adam) who can hack any machine or computer with a thought. She will stop at nothing to destroy Adam and his people.

Escalating Action: As we go deeper and deeper into the circles of this cybernetic hell, the question of who is good and who is evil eat at Calvex’s faith and pit him against his own “god” who sent him.

[Cameron Martin]

I’m Cameron Martin and I agree to the terms of this release form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Cameron Martin]

Good morning,

I’m Cameron Martin. I’ve finished one feature script (started many). I hope to tighten up my action storytelling and learn that the greatest treasure was the friends I made along the way. I’m a black belt in Taekwondo and have Asperger’s.

[Cameron Martin]

You got this, Pam!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anna,

Sounds great! Looking forward to it!

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Mark!

Yeah, maybe I tried a little too hard to vary my descriptions.

In my head, the discernment between the artificial and the biological consciousness in this story is pretty fluid, but that’s not especially helpful to the reader when they’re being introduced to an unfamiliar world. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

I’m looking forward to seeing how your story turns out! I love coming of age stories!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Mary!

Do you want to partner up for this assignment?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Diana!

No worries! It’s been really busy on my end too. Just finished making my son his parade float for his kindergarten class. He wanted Lion King, and I wanted Star Wars. So we compromised, and I made him an x-wing with Simba roaring on the side of it, like those p-40 flying tigers from WW2.

I’d say Action is more my speciality, but there’s a lot of Sci-Fi carryover with most of the stories I have written. I’d love to partner up!

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Renee!

Thank you for the words of encouragement and your excellent notes! You’ve helped make me a better writer!

Hope you have a great day!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Renee!

What I loved…

I think the first few moments of not knowing what the creature is, and drawing that out worked well. And the payoff with the description of Jacob’s corpse is haunting. Your monster and the descriptions of the horror it inflicts are great to read.

The mix of different indicators that the monster is nearby works really well. I can see the audience thinking as they’re watching, “The trees are waving and snapping; is that the creature? Are the moans or screams the monster? Is the monster screeching or is it its prey?” That unknown and letting it build is what your genre is known for.

What I have questions about…

There are a lot of characters, and sometimes it was difficult to keep up with who’s who. Reducing the number of characters is one option, but I have the feeling many of them get more setup than what can be reasonably put into a two paragraph description of the rest of your story. That leaves making them more recognizable from the dialogue. Simple over-pronounced gestures like stuttering, a lisp, or a saying only a specific character uses (“gee,” “holy (insert random thing),” or repeating a prayer verse) can be another quick fix to help the reader keep track of who’s dying.

I imagine you’ve gone through the Horror class. It’s just my opinion, but I wonder if the pace could slow down to focus on those other horror emotions: anxiety, suspense, dread, etc. It felt like we floored it straight to hysteria, panic and horror, and after about 6-8 pages of it, I kind of got burnt out. Though, starting at the third act may explain the more extreme emotions focused on in the sample. Your set up is great. I just want more time for the characters to lose hope. Like they went into this totally confident in themselves. Then, something happens that shakes them, but again, they went into this thinking they could handle it. They probably still do. Then we watch them, knowing they can’t handle what they’re about to face, but we want to feel like they can, like their self confidence can be validated. Then we read 6-7 agonizing pages as their self confidence is eaten away, and then they go into full hysteria.

P.S. Just wanted to mention that scene 3 reads, “EXT. CAME SIGHT – SIMULTANEOUS.” Not a big deal. Easy fix.

Thank you so much for the fun read! You’re going to be great!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Renee!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Diana!

Well, when I was eight years old and very impressionable, I watched Star Wars, Lost in Space, Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy, Starblazers, all with my dad. Ever since, it was a genre my dad and I really bonded over.

How about you? What drew you into writing and sci-fi?

You have a very impressive bio, btw!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Stacey!

Not sure if you’ve found it already or if it’s been fixed. I found the introductory recording by going into “Lesson 1.” When it told me I needed to go back, I clicked on the prompt provided in the lesson, and it took me to the recording where I could “mark complete.”

Hope this helps! Wishing you a great weekend and the best of luck!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

First! I’d love to be on a TOTE team with you! Second, I found the recording in the screenwriting classes. It’s the last class/assignment from the ProSeries.

Very quick summary:

next level Query Letter Structure—

Opening Hook! (to take up 1 line)

Explanation…(to take up 3-4 lines)

Hook with a Twist! (to take up 1 line)

Explanation… (to take up 3-4 lines)

Final Hook! (to take up 1 line)

Thanks!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anna!

I’d be delighted to! My email address is cameron.ross.martin@gmail.com

Thanks!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Antonio!

I really appreciated your feedback! These notes were written just before you posted your second version, which does feel more succinct and reads better as a result. I hope there’s still some value in these notes and that they can help you sell your script!

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?

“When is the best time to be brave?” isn’t a bad opening hook, but it does feel so generic that it gives the sense of “blink and you’ll miss it.” If there’s a different quote, question, or statement that’s specific to your script, go with that. I think of the difference between the titles EDGE OF TOMORROW and LIVE. DIE. REPEAT. Same movie but the titles sell two different ideas. You could call a film like DOWNTON ABBEY “Edge of Tomorrow” and it could still work, considering the themes. LIVE. DIE. REPEAT sells the concept with three words. That’s what we’re going for in the opening hook, something that sells the concept and stakes in the opening line.

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

Parisa’s a cheerleader, a gymnast, a dancer, a martial arts prodigy, a demi-chosen one with the pendent subplot, and has to both save her fiancé and overcome a psychological wound. There’s a lot to keep up with here, and it risks being overwhelming because it all feels separate from each other, as it’s written now. What are the three most interesting aspects of Parisa? I think her being a talented cheerleader out to save her fiancé, and her having to enter an underground fighting ring to do so, are the two main hooks. The third should be her wound; tying a personal history with her current predicament, and setting up the pendent that unlocks to her when she moves past that wound. There’s a way to represent all of these angles by keeping us focused on how each angle informs the next: she’s a cheerleader in love (we think we know her), but her boyfriend disappears (uh oh) to an underground fight club (even worse) that she enters to save his life (major hook) because after losing her sister, she won’t lose another loved one (wound). I do want to add that what would really put this over the moon is if Parisa feels responsible for her sister’s death, and in some way feels responsible for her boyfriend’s capture like a repeating of events. That ties everything together, tells me more of who Parisa is (perfectionistic because she lost someone close to her) and why she’s taking on this task beyond the love angle.

3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.

Opening: 1 hook (already talked about how it could be elevated).

Synopsis: 2-3 hooks in the first paragraph (“Parisa will find out,” a captured boyfriend, and the girlfriend going on a rescue mission). 1 hook in the second paragraph (it’s a fun sentence, but on its own, it doesn’t add much that we don’t already know). 2 hooks in the third paragraph (Parisa’s profession and her wound. The profession could be introduced in the prior paragraph to add more impact to each sentence so each sentence escalates the dilemma). 1-2 hooks in the fifth paragraph (supernatural pendent given by boyfriend. I wonder if this would read stronger if it were raised as a mystery, almost like a question mark). On the final paragraph, I’m not sure. I’ve read that Hal advised to give the ending away, and while I’ve been looking for the exact quote, I do know that an emotional payoff with no setup reads hollow. I think the final paragraph is better left on the cutting room floor and replaced by the information given in the fourth paragraph, because that paragraph tells us what this story’s about: Parisa becoming a prize fighter to save her lover. If you want to include the ending though, I’d look at how to establish just the emotional stakes and escalation, and leave out the payoff that requires 80-90 pages of quality setup to sell it.

Bio: 2-3 hooks (being the first at something, particularly with regards to your martial arts background)

4. Does the query letter flow well?

It’s almost there. It just has to be organized into an A leads to B, because of C. But D happens. Therefore, E comes into play. Not exactly that format, but a logical flow that makes everything feel connected.

5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

Almost. There’s magic in your story. Ending on that note as one more pitting of the odds against Parisa will leave a reader wondering how this cheerleader is not only going to fight through an underworld of cage fighters, but also deal with the supernatural powers backing them. The only way reader will find out is by reading your script.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether Hal said to include the ending or not. His ZOMBIELAND example doesn’t say anything about an amusement park, Columbus sharing his first kiss, Tallahassee getting a Twinkie, or Little Rock learning to shoot. It just says Columbus will pursue Wichita, fighting through hundreds of millions of zombies to get to her. However, in defense of the “give the ending” position, these are some notes I made earlier…

I’m personally against giving an emotional payoff from the third act in a trailer or pitch, unless it’s asked for. When I think about THE SIXTH SENSE, however, Hal does raise a solid point that the Therapist already being dead makes that movie what it was, and including that ending may be a critical selling point. I don’t think the emotional payoff should be included though. Just the fact that “he’s a ghost and doesn’t know” still invites the curiosity to know if he’ll discover the truth and how he’ll react. So, if you want to include the ending in your letter, just consider giving us the bare minimum of details (just the hook) with no emotional payoff. The reader should read your script if they want that, and in reality they couldn’t really get the full emotional impact without knowing the complete context of the rest of the story.

…to add, I liked the line advertising that Caine and Able will fight through different dimensions, and I think emotional escalation or adding multiple layers to a conflict is great for a sales pitch! To me, there’s a difference between advertising that the Therapist was dead and never knew, and going into detail that the Therapist found out, that the boy that he was helping was in actuality helping him to pass on, and that he gives one last goodbye to his beloved wife before ascending to heaven. One informs us of a unique angle, and the other gives us a ton of emotional payoff without the leg work of 80-90 pages of set up.

Hope this helps! I think you have a great concept that will get a lot of attention!

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

I hope my notes can help you to sell your script!

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?

I think each version has promise in their own way, but the first version had the best opening for me and the strongest hooks. “Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next” is efficient, carries a number of different messages, and is succinct.

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

I get the concept, and the secret about Alicia’s son is a strong hook. That said, I know almost nothing about her or what she’s like. She volunteered to protect her son (similar plot beat to Katniss from THE HUNGER GAMES). What about her or the way she competes makes her stand out from Katniss, and will engage the reader/producer?

3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.

“Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…” – 2-3 hooks (monsters, voting, Alicia’s going to die, but the word “next” indicates she survived at least one).

“She and the other players already took out two. First time in history it’s ever happened. And the assholes in power have to be getting worried…and pissed. Either way…” – 2-3 hooks (confirmation that players were victorious, but the “first time ever” component infers something unique about these players, and those in power getting pissed indicates the probability of escalation)

“She knew she was going to die.” – 1 hook (mostly a confirmation of the first line. It still works…)

“In 30 years of sacrifice matches, only one person ever survived. And he was way tougher than any of them were. All she wanted now was for her son to be proud when she did finally meet her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth.” – 1-2 hooks (In my opinion, the first half doesn’t work. It’s too much repetition/confirmation without much escalation – we already know they win once, so the line about some guy we don’t know being tougher either falls flat or makes the protagonists bigger than the obstacles. However, the second half about Alicia, her son, and the secret kept from him does escalate and add an additional dimension to Alicia’s obstacles. She isn’t just up against monsters, but is also trying to keep a secret buried).

“Because that would be the only thing worse than being ripped apart alive while the whole world cheers…” – I don’t know that this truly adds a whole lot. We already know she’s at death’s door. Her being ripped apart is just saying how, and it’s something that could’ve been established in either of the previous two points her death was brought up. You could change the line “She knew she was going to die” to “She knew she was going to be ripped limb from limb” and you get the same information from both of these points combined.

I think the main hooks of your script are the “fan favorite” monsters, Alicia’s cunning, the social credit leading to public executions, and the secret behind Alicia’s son. Due to the social credit angle, someone HAD to vote in the son, which is a big deal, and something that differentiates this from THE HUNGER GAMES. Alicia has to keep the secret from her son, but if I were in her shoes, I’d also be wondering which asshole(s) I’d have to take out for going after my child. There’re a handful of emotional angles to play with in your story, and since you can’t really escalate the whole “she’s about to die” angle, your letter could focus on escalating the emotional angles, the time she’s up against to ensure her son isn’t voted back in for the next monster hunt.

4. Does the query letter flow well?

I’ll argue the first one flows the best. I think it just needs clearer emotional rising action.

5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

“God, she hopes he never finds out the truth.” – This is the strongest hook to end with right now (speaking in present tense so we’re kept engaged and nothing is for certain yet).

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Thank you for your motivating notes! You’re not the only person to advise cutting “However” from the letter (Noticeably, I’m a bit habitual with that particular word). I’ll be sure to cut it! I hope my notes help can help you too!

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?

Kidnapping Santa is the real selling point in this opening, and consider me hooked and eager to read more!

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

There’s a lot going on with Mary, but the real “hook” for me is that Mary once guarded Santa, and is now planning to kidnap him. That ironic component is what really draws me in and makes me want to know more.

3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.

Opening: 2-3 hooks (“separated, down-and-out mom” kidnapping Santa for ransom).

Synopsis: 2-3 hooks in the first paragraph (“It’s a Wonderful Life Festival,” Mary’s in a race against the clock, culminating on Christmas day). 1-2 hooks in the second paragraph (it’s sort of a repeat of the opening, in terms of the information given, but it does tie that opening into the story effectively). 1-2 hooks in the third paragraph (Again, some repetition with greater context and a raising of the stakes: it’s not just her snowmobile shop, but her family also). 1 hook in the fourth paragraph (feels like we skipped to the late second act or third act, so I’m left a little lost on how the story events connect, but the running Santa’s is still a good visual hook). 1 hook in the final paragraph (For me, knowing ahead of time that Santa’s in no real danger takes all the wind and stakes out of this pitch. It just kills it for me. The narrative tie-in with IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE is a hook; I like the meta element).

Bio: 2-3 hooks (Your real-life experience, plus you’ve already been through the process of selling a script, obviously talented/knowledgeable enough to do so).

I’m personally against giving an emotional payoff from the third act in a trailer or pitch, unless it’s asked for. When I think about THE SIXTH SENSE, however, Hal does raise a solid point that the Therapist already being dead makes that movie what it was, and including that ending may be a critical selling point. I don’t think the emotional payoff should be included though. Just the fact that “he’s a ghost and doesn’t know” still invites the curiosity to know if he’ll discover the truth and how he’ll react. So, if you want to include the ending in your letter, just consider giving us the bare minimum of details (just the hook) with no emotional payoff. The reader should read your script if they want that, and in reality they couldn’t really get the full emotional impact without knowing the complete context of the rest of the story.

4. Does the query letter flow well?

Beyond my notes above, I think this letter is close to reading really well. The repetition risks slowing the pace (the feeling of going backwards/brining up the past) but it could be powerful if the additional context also gives the feeling of raising stakes.

5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

I don’t know the entire story, but I imagine there may be scenes where Mary’s drawing up the plans to kidnap Santa, and she has to navigate moments where her kids or ex-husband are seconds from discovering her plan. That to me is more engaging than knowing her plan to kidnap Santa would’ve never worked in the first place.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dana!

No worries on reviewing the first letter! I’m glad to know the second one reads stronger, and I’m kicking myself for not thinking of including Isaiah’s name. Plus you gave some great wordsmithing notes that I didn’t even consider. Thank you so much, and I hope my notes can be just as helpful for you!

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?

– That’s such a great opener, and I really have no idea what I’d do in that scenario. Engages the reader in an instant.

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

– I think I’m more interested in the scenario than Dr. Ellen, based on the contents of this letter. “Professional tragedy” tells me there’s the possibility of a wound, but aside from her being the only person who could win in this scenario through her expertise as a psychologist, there’s not much else that interests me about her specifically. The concept is strong enough to where it might not matter, though. I just think about the ZOMBIELAND example and how Columbus is a fish out of water (ironic), or THE MARTIAN and how Mark Watney is advertised as a both a competent botanist/astronaut (the only person who would survive that story’s scenario) and more importantly for the entertainment value, undeniably funny. The caller being a former patient is a good starting point, and maybe there’s a bit of irony there, or in her pursuit to “rebuild her life as a talk radio therapist there’s something we could expand on to give us some other component of her character that makes us interested in her (firecracker off-air and saint on-air? Depending on what more you want advertised about Dr. Ellen as a person, skill set aside).

3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.

Opening: 2-3 hooks (the scenario itself and the subsequent question)Synopsis: 0-1 hook in the first paragraph (honestly, this is a bit redundant. We can infer based on the preceding question that that’s what’s going on, and it may help the pace and flow of your letter if you cut this sentence/paragraph). 3-4 hooks in the second paragraph (Dr. Ellen trying to rebuild her life, and the task of erasing one of the patient’s multiple personalities in a hostage situation involving Dr. Ellen’s family). 1-4 hooks in the third paragraph (this section is repetitive, but it works really well at cementing the stakes. There’s also a slight escalation there. I really like this paragraph). 2-3 hooks (Dr. Ellen’s plan, the Detective’s plan, and the race against time). 1 hook in the closing (it doesn’t establish anything new, but the repeat question ties everything together is a wonderful way. You’re not just asking about whether we’d turn up the volume or pass on the show, but subliminally asking the reader if they’re going to request your script or pass. It’s a really smart selling point in my opinion).

4. Does the query letter flow well?

– Aside from the above note about cutting the first sentence (“Talk radio psychologist, Ellen Landry, has received such a call.”) and giving us one more angle on Dr. Ellen, this letter flows great!

5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

– I can’t imagine a reader/producer passing on the question of whether or not they’d “turn up the volume,” especially considering the necessity of contained movies nowadays.<div>

Thanks again!

Cam

</div>

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dana!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

Thanks for your always encouraging and splendid notes, both here and throughout the ProSeries! You make a great point with having questions written as declarations for more impact. I can see where questioning the reader can give the feeling of a cheap sales tactic. I’ll make the necessary adjustments! I hope my notes can be as much help to you as yours have helped me!

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?

– Putting the bio at the beginning is a creative move, considering Hal’s strategy. You’re way more experienced at this than I am (I’ve never written a query letter before this), so maybe your approach is actually more standard. That said, the real life story did pull me in, reminding me of Daryl Davis, and make me want to read how your experience inspired a unique story, particularly in the SciFi genre.

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

– I think I’ve already talked at length about what fascinates me about Clay Caine (his perspective mixed with ironic circumstances and a relatable position of losing power/authority he once had). Looking strictly at the contents of the letter, I like that it starts out with him on the decline (usurped at his own rally, cross burnt on his lawn – a bit of ironic justice there) and that he’s desperate to regain the power he once had (a relatable emotion for many men). All that and the intro to a doppelgänger, who is ironically of a decent that Clay was raised to hate, is all engaging. The only nit-picky note I have is to consider cutting the word “being” from the “CLAY CAINE, is being usurped” section because, as you and others have mentioned for my letter, the addition of that word makes the sentence more passive.

3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.

Bio: About 3 hooks (The real life story, it translating to a SciFi Thriller, and your impressive work experience).

Synopsis: Two hooks in the opening (The KKK connection is a minor one, but the doppelgänger being black is a powerful hook). 1-2 hooks in the second paragraph (the meta-verse, for sure, hooks me. The climate change component may be a hook as well). 1-3 hooks in the third paragraph (I say one because it’s the same hook used in three different ways, but each escalates the tension Clay in under. I’m a fan of this paragraph because of the way that escalation is handled). 2-3 hooks in the fourth paragraph (Clay’s plan for assassination, and his target belonging to a parallel universe). 1 hook in the fifth paragraph. 2-3 hooks in the sixth paragraph (Clay and Lincoln’s battle across different universes and the costs of that battle). 1-2 hooks for the seventh and eighth paragraphs (a note on this below).

I was advised in a response to one of my feedbacks that Hal instructed us to tell the entire story. I won’t argue against that point, and if you feel your letter stands a better chance of selling your script by including it, then you should absolutely inform the reader of the ending. That said, it’s my opinion that the seventh and eighth paragraphs do a disservice to the advertising potential of your letter, and that the synopsis should end with the sixth paragraph; I think the best parts of your entire story are told that way, without giving away the ending. Again though, I’m by no means an expert when it comes to this, and this may just be my bias in wanting to enjoy the story journey for myself without having the ending informing me of how to watch/read a movie. Please feel free to let me know if I’m mistaken on this point.

4. Does the query letter flow well?

– Aside from my above note, I really like the flow of this letter. It has a natural logical flow. I’d look at trying to cut just to pick up the pace a little, but as it’s written right now, it sells an amazing concept.

5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

Don’t want to sound like a broken record. If you think the ending should be given, that last sentence comparing the two new realities is a phenomenal hook.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Absolutely Matthew! Thanks!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anna!

Thank you so much for your splendid notes! That’s an amazing observation with the word “but,” and I’ll be sure to be more aware of how it’s used.

I hope my notes will help you as much as your notes will help me!

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?

– The opening told me more of what this was about than really “hook” me. I think it’s played too straight. Opening with a question, like “If the average dog is a man’s best friend, who will be the best friend to a traumatized teenage boy? Meet Alfie.” I think “hooks” are basically question marks (want to know more? read on.), and approaching them this way, answering questions while raising new questions in the process, will help to catapult the reader’s interest through this letter.

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

– “Superdog Alfie” intrigues me, as does the mute boy, Dylan. The synopsis illustrates that they will be put up against a non-communicative father, bullies, and a manipulative teacher…and win. That last part kind of kills further curiosity. I get the sense that query letters are like the first version of your script’s movie trailer. A good trailer, like the one for STAR WARS: ROUGE ONE, will set up the odds, the ironic conflicts and dilemmas, and leave much of the third act emotional payoff unanswered. A bad trailer, like the one for TICKET TO PARADISE, will essentially summarize the entire movie, leaving only the minutia of plot details unanswered. I get these are two different genres of film, but I’ll argue it’s the formats of the two trailers that make the difference. Set up Alfie and Dylan against the world (an English village) and ask the question of whether they can succeed, can Dylan heal, will Alfie have a home, etc.

3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.

Opening: 1-2 hooks. The homeless superdog is definitely one, and I, personally, would like to see a bullied kid overcome the strife in his life.

Synopsis: 1 hook in the first paragraph, aside from the already established script details (Alfie is the only one who can connect with Dylan, who’s mute). 2 hooks in the second paragraph (Dylan and his father aren’t communicating the way they should, and Dylan’s teacher is trying to get rid of him). Not sure about the third paragraph. I mean, I’m curious about the new romantic interest for the dad and HOW the pre-established conflicts are resolved, but you’ve made me aware that in no uncertain terms these issues ARE resolved. Just like with the the above notes on movie trailers, I want story questions for the third act, not story answers.

Resume: 2 hooks. The background in social work tells me you’ll handle Dylan’s case with fidelity and respect. The village tells me there’ll be authenticity to the story world. I’m absolutely hooked to see both.

“Please Note” Section: I’m torn. On one hand, it’s nice to know that if SILENT NIGHT is a great success, there’s more to cash in on just around the corner. On the other hand, if I were a producer, I don’t even know yet if I’m going to like the first script, and I’m already having two sequels pitched to me; finances aside, that’s a pretty hefty emotional investment. It’s probably not an issue for producers of limited series on television, though. I think what might help is to either pitch the through line for all three scripts (Alfie and his litter mates), or pitch exclusively SILENT NIGHT, depending on whether you’re pitching to film producers or limited series producers.

4. Does the query letter flow well?

– It’s short, quick, and to the point. As with the above notes, the only area to really improve is to pitch this like it were a movie trailer: more story questions, and just enough story answers for the audience to understand the setup.

5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

– Not to sound like a broken record, but the last paragraph just needs to be written to follow up with questions raised in the summary of the first and second acts. Like a math teacher that just tells you the answer before you get a chance to solve the problem, if you tell us the answers to your story questions, it kind of kills the momentum and engagement.

I’m sorry if this is long winded. I think this letter is close, and that if you let Alfie and Dylan’s discovery of each other and their subsequent relationship sell your script, this letter will shine.

Thanks again,

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

Thanks for the spectacular feedback!

I did get the feeling that my synopsis was somehow pulling its punches. I’ll get right to making it more active.

I liked reading your query letter, and I hope my notes can help you as well as yours have helped me!

1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?

– Something about the opening just doesn’t feel like it hits hard enough. Maybe I’m spending too long trying to think about the condition of retirement being a prerequisite to living for free. Maybe I’m thinking too hard on what “live for free” means. The follow up sentence informs more and cuts to the chase. I think if you have a producer/reader that’s already looking for this kind of story, it reads well enough. I think for the opening hook, it either needs a more universal question or statement, or you showcase one of Roy’s witty lines that grabs us and informs the story.

2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?

– I think there’s a lot of good here. I would change “In jail he’s beaten to a pulp” to something like “Jail fails to live up to his expectations, so he instigates his own beat down to enjoy the luxuries of a hospital.” Roy’s a pretty active character, and anything you can add to showcase what he’s willing to do to live rent free sells the script for you. Same thing goes for Kim. I understand the setup for what Kim’s up against, though I’m more interested in what she’s doing to win against her brother.

3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.

Opening: 1-2 hooks, depending on the reader.

Synopsis: About 3-4 hooks in the first paragraph (the line “He declared himself dead…so how can he make a living” is a fun play on words. Only note might be to shorten it). 1 hook in the second paragraph (changing it based on the above note would add an additional hook). 1-2 hooks in the third paragraph (“Glinda the Good Witch of his heart” is a great description). Fourth paragraph has maybe 1-2 (I liked “joint mooching adventures” and “face their demons.” Those tell me what I can expect in the action. My problem is that it currently feels like that trailer that has a great setup, and then pays off the final act for me, like it tells me the whole movie, and I’m really only going to watch it now just to see the specifics (The TICKET TO PARADISE trailer is a good example of this where it takes a fun premise and runs it into the ground by giving me emotional payoffs from all three acts). I want to know if there’s an ironic conflict or engaging dilemma, and to have to watch/read to find out how it’s resolved).

Here’s Why: 1 hook (“Audiences in their sixties” tells me what market would be interested in this story, though without doing a Google search, I’m not sure how big that market is. The rest is information that should be communicated through the synopsis, and by this point would be redundant).

Experience: Disclaimer – You clearly have an extensive resume, and I’m prone to be more ignorant on the nature of some of your accomplishments. That said, I’d say there’s 2-3 hooks here. I can only imagine what living through the Vietnam War was like, and your perspective from watching a country try to heal from it is definitely a hook for me. In addition, your professional experience highlights the fact that this isn’t your first rodeo.

Subject Specific Experience: Here’s where that previous disclaimer comes into play again. This feels redundant to me. I may be totally wrong and naive, though. My initial impression is that you have a lot of experience and history, but I’m wanting to be sold on your script, not your resume. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up as a theatre kid too, and this tells me we’d have a lot to talk about. It just doesn’t tell me more about Roy or Kim.

4. Does the query letter flow well?

I think it needs to be about half the length it currently is. Almost the entire second half of the letter is dedicated to your accomplishments, and by the time I’ve finished reading about you, I’ve forgotten about Roy and Kim.

5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?

See above note. Thinking about Hal’s example for ZOMBIELAND, Tallahassee and Little Rock aren’t even brought up. A number of the best jokes are left out. What is included is the ironic conflict/dilemma: Columbus can’t catch a break with the girls, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to try, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. Hal’s example communicates that message more efficiently, but the point is that we see the movie and yet still have the question, can Columbus win the heart of the girl who stole his stuff? Having just watched the BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA FOREVER trailer, it’s a similar format. There’s clearly a war between the Wakandans and another technologically advanced, but reclusive, nation; who will win, will there be peace, and how will the rest of the world react? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions unless I go watch the movie. If the trailer showed me images of a stalemate, the two nations making peace, and the rest of the world accepting them, the only reason I have to go see that movie is to watch the specifics, and after “Phase 3” I’m just not invested to pay $30 for a theatre experience on a film that I already know the ending to. Long story short, if there’s an engaging question or dilemma to cap off the query letter, that would go a long way to getting a request.

6. Were there any parts that confused you?

I don’t think there were any parts that confused me. I would like to see Retirement in ALL CAPS or some other format that informs me that we’re talking about the title of your script.

I’m sorry if this is too much. I really like the relationship between Roy and Kim, and I think the uniqueness of their characters can carry the majority of this letter. You have a lot working for you, and I really want to see your script succeed.

Thanks again!

Cam

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Got Tennessee mixed up with Tallahassee, and Wichita mixed up with Little Rock. Made corrections to the character names from ZOMBIELAND

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much Lisa!

I enjoyed reading yours as well! That opening hook is excellent!

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Anna!

I liked your query letter as well! That’s awesome that you’ve helped and counseled children. It’s admirable and one of the most beautiful things we can do in life. Best of luck to you as well!

[Cameron Martin]

No kidding with the 10 page request! Hope you get to be one Hal’s success stories and make a deal before the course is even finished!

[Cameron Martin]

No worries Dev!

Thanks for the encouragement! Yeah, I have no idea what twitter’s doing either. I think it was trying to post something from my link as well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Robert Rodriguez is awesome! Really hoping he gets a chance to make another Alita movie!

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Sounds awesome, Antonio!

Can’t wait to read yours too!

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much for your detailed feedback, Michael!

I’m still rolling with OPEN WIDE as the title. I like all of your suggestions and agree with most of the points you brought up! Some of the dialogue may have worked better in earlier drafts, and Sully’s “man-child” description, though loaded and great and applicable to the original version of this opening, may no longer be valid to the more haunted version he’s become. The only thing I will disagree with is Beth telling Sully to get Isaiah, and not because anything you said is wrong. I just believe Sully saving Isaiah instead of Beth has to be HIS choice, not Beth’s. There may be a better way I can structure this teaser without having it overstay its welcome (REEEEEAAALLLY trying to keep this script under a hundred pages), and that’s on me to make his choice clearer to the reader.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Michael!

Here are my notes!

_______

EXT. VIENNA, AUSTRIA – BACKYARD OF A HOUSE – DAY

A boy’s fingers hold a pair of eyeglasses, using one of the extremely thick, high prescription lenses as a magnifying glass to see a splinter stuck in a cat’s paw. The cat meows in pain.

[NOTE: Decent description. A couple things. Avoid blocks of text. If you can separate different shots or ideas into new lines, it’ll help the pacing of your script read faster and be more honest to how it would be filmed. Also, and I realize this may be my personal bias, but avoid adverbs like three week old sushi. They tend to rob the scene of the emotional impact it deserves by substituting more powerful, visceral verbs, nouns, and font with an add-on that takes up space and fails to give the reader an emotional experience. So, this…

A boy’s fingers hold a pair of eyeglasses, using one of the extremely thick, high prescription lenses as a magnifying glass to see a splinter stuck in a cat’s paw. The cat meows in pain.

…becomes this…

A boy’s fingers hold a pair of coke-bottle eyeglasses…

Observing a splinter buried DEEP in a cat’s paw…

The cat mews and hisses at its wound.

…I’m not saying this is perfect, or even great writing, but it does showcase what you can do in later drafts when you start cutting out adverbs and speed up the pacing of your script with select, efficient word usage and short sentence structure. You have the opportunity to prioritize the emotion of the scene through action.]

WALDO (O.S.)

Ouchie, Mr. Pudding Cat. Crazy, one little prick…stops the world.

[NOTE: I like this line.]

Reversing the POV, the lens makes the intensely focused eye of adorable 10-year-old WALDO KATZ appear larger.

[NOTE: There are better and more efficient ways to give camera directions. First, though, is if you’re very lucky, you’ll get a cinematographer attached who’s better at his job than you are at his, and he’ll shoot your movie in a way that makes it even better than the greatness you put on the page. Second, “reversing POV” is a fourth wall break that pulls us out of the emotion of your script. Fourth wall breaks are great when they communicate personality and keep the pace moving fast. They can be death to your description if a reader has to spend too long deciphering the exact camera movement instead of the writer just informing what we’re looking at…

The MAGNIFIED EYE of 10 year old WALDO KATZ takes up half his face.

…Same description, same shot, but instantly understood without spending too long reading the intent. By the way, another reason to avoid adverbs is that they’re terrible at doing the one job they were designed for. “Intensely focused eye” only kind of gives me a mental picture, but it’s still vague because the follow up question is “how intensely are we talking? More intense than if the kid were playing FORTNITE? Intense like he’s brooding, or focused, or conniving?” When writing a first draft, let the words fall on the page as they may. In subsequent drafts, eliminate every adverb you see and find a way to communicate the same action in a more original or emotional way.]

WALDO (CONT’D)

But I can help!

The sad cat sits on top of scattered books, as Waldo, kneeling on the ground, pulls the splinter out with tweezers.

The relieved cat licks his paw.

WALDO (CONT’D)

I wrote you a prescription: look before you leap.

[NOTE: This is adorable.]

The cat springs forward into a bush, sending scurrying three mice who were walking in a row along the fence.

[NOTE: General note. Unless this is an animated film where anything goes, getting too specific, especially with actions that don’t appear to serve a purpose, can weigh down a script. Getting a stunt cat costs enough money. If I’m a producer putting my own money into your script, and I’m having to buy stunt mice as well and coordinate a shot involving them in the same frame as a cat, then there’d better be a reason for the mice to be included in the scene, or I’m crossing out the description with a red marker.]

Waldo notices a tiny plume of smoke rising in front of his eyes. He looks down and sees sunlight shining through a glasses lens and forming a concentrated sunbeam on a dried, withered leaf. A burn spot smolders.

[NOTE: There’s about three to four shots in this paragraph – establishing shots on the leaf, the sun bean, Waldo noticing both, the ignition – Each shot needs its own line. This takes up more space on the page, but it reads faster and is more honest with how the pacing of the film would go. I know I said earlier that camera directions should be largely determined the cinematographer, but there’s a common sense checklist of information to be conveyed, which you can develop into some fantastic, efficient, descriptive action text.]

WALDO (CONT’D)

Whoa!

Waldo repositions, laying stomach down on the ground.

[NOTE: This is good descriptive text – “laying stomach down on the ground.” I get an immediate visual and it doesn’t overstay its welcome.]

Playing with the angle of a lens and the distance to the leaf, he gets the leaf to smolder and generate a tiny flame.

WALDO (CONT’D)

Cool!

An ant meanders into the sunbeam and fries to death.

[NOTE: Again, good descriptive text.]

WALDO (CONT’D)

Oh, god, no!

Waldo cries tears of remorse.

[NOTE: This is another general note, but “of [emotion]” is good for first draft, but should prompt an exploration in subsequent drafts in how to more accurately depict a character’s emotional state. “Waldo cries tears of remorse” could become…

Waldo cries. – The poor little ant!

…or…

Waldo sobs – The ant was innocent!

…or…

Waldo weeps, guilt ridden.

…Again, this is just a tad more specific and helps us connect to the character with as little mental work for the reader as possible.]

EXT. SPACE

Standard view of Earth.

[NOTE: Fine, but I know you’re more creative and can bring so much more out of this shot than “standard.”]

FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)

We’re headed towards armageddon. It’s inevitable.

[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of the first page, which if it is, this is a great line to have at that bottom. That’s a straight up prediction and leaves the reader with some curiosity as to how the boy incinerating an ant ties with “armageddon.” Good stuff.]

_______

ON THE TWIST…

The Ratliff reveal is handled very well. You take him for an energy tycoon, only to get James Bond. It’s a lot of fun.

ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…

The inciting incident comes up in the following pages if I remember your story correctly, but the setup is all there. This is deeply personal for Waldo, and we want to know if his technology will succeed, if he’ll get vengeance, if Imelyna and he will work out.

ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…

People who’re critical of climate change will get turned off by the commercial, but as long as the story focuses on a relatable, universal character journey, those same people should be able to forgive it.

The conversation between Ratliff and Waldo is excellent. Waldo turning it down tells us exactly who he is: an idealist through and through. He cannot be influenced by money in any way.

Won’t comment on typos. You know what to do.

The exchange between Waldo and Anmuth is on the nose, but I like it anyway. Their explanations are solid and give insight into their goals and who they are as people.

“Vampires Are People Too.” Funny line. The dialogue stays fun throughout. I’ll admit, I’m not super critical of dialogue, so I can’t comment as much as our other classmates who’re are naturally better at it than me. All I can say is that I’m enjoying reading it.

I’ve commented on the first page about action description. Got a little lost when reading about the beam hitting the mirror. A good rule of thumb is anytime you need more than one comma, make a separate shot/line. This sometimes will apply if there’s even one comma in a sentence. Take the readers hand and guide them shot by shot, visual by visual, through your action.

Instead of “(pause)” try “…”. It reads faster and says the same thing. You use it in the following line by Ratliff, and it works so much better.

The biggest thing the opening ten pages need is faster, more efficient action description. Beyond that, the rest of it reads great. This is a very fun script you’re writing. Can’t wait to read more.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Michael!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anna!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much Kate for your thoughtful feedback!

You’re not the only one I’ve left confused on some important details, so that’ll be my next challenge. Your not being versed in science fiction isn’t an excuse for me; it’s my job to make sure everything is clear and understandable. It still goes back to me.

I’ll get right to fixing what needs fixing!

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Kate!

Here are my notes!

_______

EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING

In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.

LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.

[NOTE: Untamed is the key description that caught my eye. The rest of it good, with “50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner” being great as a lead up to that word “untamed.” She sounds like someone that Life just kicked around like a can, trying to get her to submit, but she’s too determined to be broken.]

LUCIANA

Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!

[NOTE: Even through the Spanish, we know what “bastardo” means. Nice opening with a word that tells us something’s got her worked up.]

She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.

[NOTE: I would avoid adverbs as though they were hornets. They tend to waste space on a page and rob an emotion that could be communicated with more visceral clarity by using a better noun, verb, metaphor, punctuation, etc…

She flips the tortillas with EMPHASIS, hanging on EVERY WORD.

…This says the same thing but gives a little more personality and feeling.]

LUCIANA

Siempre en ese sombrero malvado.

Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Sí, estoy haciendo tortillas. ¿Tú gustas? ¡Claro, muy a la orden!

She laughs.

LUCIANA

¡Claro que sí! Come eat mañana y hacemos un plan.

She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.

[NOTE: She SHOOS him away – These aren’t for you!]

LUCIANA

No. No son para ti. ¡Sácate!

The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.

[NOTE: The dog STANDS HIS GROUND as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.]

LUCIANA

No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.

As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.

[NOTE: Did we go inside? If so, an “INT. LUCIANA’S HOME – EVENING” may be needed.]

LUCIANA

Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Muchos besos. Hasta luego.

She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.

[NOTE: Hades sneaks in behind her, and she tosses him a piece of the tortilla she’s nibbling – fine, take it – as she rubs his ears.

I’m sorry if my personal war against adverbs isn’t helpful. I think it’s fine for a first draft, but it should be the writer’s goal to look for a better way to communicate the action and the emotion behind it than deliver an otherwise useless adverb. I get that they have their utility in the English language, but they’re a substitute for a rich vocabulary in a finished screenplay. Thesaurus.com is open 24 hours a day on my computer to assist with my own limitations. Aside from that, this is a solid first scene and much of the action reads well. One more strategy to keep in mind in order to avoid blocks of text is to think of camera shots like new lines of description. For example…

She puts the phone down.

Hades sneaks in behind her, and she tosses him a piece of the tortilla she’s nibbling – fine, take it – as she rubs his ears.

Her face hardens, even as her eyes soften with tears.

…That’s three different camera shots. It takes up a bit more space on the page, but it’s more honest to the pacing of how it would be filmed, and it reads faster as well.]

EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON

A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.

Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.

[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of page 1. This is a good first page. We get some inclination of a goal for Luciana, and she’s a strong character.]

_______

ON THE TWIST…

Nia talking to the spirit of her mother is a good twist. It tells us this isn’t just a girl in a band. There’s something greater and more spiritual at play, and we have to keep reading to find out.

I like the twist where Luciana knows Nia and there’s an allusion to her knowing Nia’s mother as well. This sets up well for Luciana to act as a sort of guardian angel for Nia.

ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…

The inciting incident appears to occur before the events of the movie when Darrogh robs Luciana of her land, and multiple characters bring this up. Even though it’s not a sudden break between the “ordinary world” and the “unfamiliar world” there’s the sense of everything in motion, inevitably driving to its destination.

ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…

“Elf of a woman” is great. The rest of Nia’s description is very vivid. I do think the run-on sentence is a little overbearing, so it may help to break it up with either separate sentences, new lines of description, or an invitation like “And let me tell you about this woman’s style.”

I don’t know why, but I kind of like this inversion of a hero shot for Nia. We’re seeing her at her worst as her first introduction. Maybe it’s also the relatability I have with car-sickness, but there’s also an immediate goal and conflict: Will Nia get better, and who is this eclectic woman when she’s not having a bus induced exorcism?

The exclamation points are throwing me off. They make me think she’s good to go, excited, full of energy. She either recovers extremely fast or is just an excited person by nature, and that shows through her feeling at her worst.

There’s not a lot of conflict following her sickness and it feels like a long monotone beat afterward. She can recover quickly, but Shaunn’s got to have some conflicting personality or something to contrast with Nia. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme, Shaunn doesn’t have to be a jerk, argumentative, or anything like that. He does need to offer a counter-argument to Nia’s optimism. She believes this place is going to be life changing, and Shaunn believes it’s no different than any other place. Nia’s an imaginative child, and Shaunn’s a realist. Something along those lines to give this scene and characters some more dimension.

“The ‘standers’ all shake hands” is a great efficient writing.

I like the chemistry between Nia and Luciana. Like with Nia and Shaunn, there’s some care needed to ensure their engagements don’t feel like one note scenes. Luciana harboring secrets that Nia doesn’t have access to does create some engaging moments, where Luciana is trying to jog Nia’s memory, while Nia is just trying to have a good time and let her destiny fall into her lap. There’s a lot of potential between these two.

It just occurred to me, but this feels very similar to Westerns where an outsider rides into town to help the citizens overcome a corruption that’s taken over their settlement (RANGO, DJANGO UNCHAINED, UNFORGIVEN, etc). Instead of a gunslinger, though, you have a very feminine angle at play between Nia and Luciana. It’s a terrific, original angle and I’m looking forward to reading more.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much Antonio!

You brought up some great points on the believability of certain actions. I’ll be sure to go back and smooth out some details and add cases that better showcase the fact that Isaiah is an Aspie without having to say it in his character description, or that Sully is one of the doctors and not just some intruder. That’s on me if a reader didn’t understand that.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much Dana for the detailed notes!

You brought up a lot of great questions and points, and I appreciate every one of your observations. I have reasons in my head for some of the descriptions or lines I’ve used, but if it’s not working for the reader, it’s not working at all.

I do tend to use caps more for emphasis, necessity or emotion than specific blocking, so I could see where that may get confusing if a reader is used to a different style.

Thank you for pointing out Sully’s likability or lack thereof in certain parts of the script. It’s been a balancing act from the get go to take a tormented father with a special needs kid and make that both relatable (he’s by no means perfect) and sympathetic (he’s not a complete d***).

Looking forward to cleaning up some of the sticking points and delivering on a clearer vision.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dana!

Here are my notes!

_______

FADE IN:

[NOTE: “FADE IN” to what (INT/EXT. LOCATION – TIME OF DAY)? Personally, I’m not a fan of editorial directions, or instructions related to other artists involved in the filming and production of your movie script. “FADE IN” is also almost assumed at this point, and I feel it wastes more space on the page than it does elevate it. BUT if you want to include a “FADE IN,” make sure we know what we’re looking at, even if it’s a black screen or a void.]

Over DARKNESS, we HEAR two people talking.

[NOTE: I know this is nitpicking, but we can assume that we hear two people talking when there’s dialogue. I’ve given this note a lot that fourth wall breaks with “we hear” or “we see” are redundant and risk taking us away from the emotion on the page. More over I see them used a lot for camera directions, or lighting instructions, and I believe it should be every screenwriter’s prayer that their script gets a cinematographer attached that’s smarter and better at their job than the writer is, so that they can elevate your story to even greater heights. Unless it’s absolutely critical to the pace, themes, or telling of your story, I would cut every description that tells another professional how to do their job, and stick with description that communicates action, emotion, tone and personality/attitude.]

MAN’S VOICE

Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?

WOMAN’S VOICE

Tell me.

MAN’S VOICE

This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.

[NOTE: Great opening exchange. Grabs hold of our curiosity instantly with the question from the patient and the subsequent answer that shifts our perception of reality.]

The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.

She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties with short raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.

[NOTE: The raven hair threw me off at first with connecting her to Tinkerbell, but otherwise this is a great description. I think it could read a tad faster if cut a bit, like…

If not for her Valentino power suit and raven hair, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.

…I do wonder if this description also ties into her demeanor as well, and not just her looks. Tinkerbell is a fighter, jealous, and loyal. If I were a reader, I’d be looking for these traits too. If Ellen doesn’t quite fit these traits, I’d be looking for another description that tells us who she is, what she does.]

ELLEN

What makes you feel that way?

MAN (O.S.)

Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends most of his time with the others.

ELLEN

The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?

MAN (O.S.)

My life is very crowded. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.

ELLEN

Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?

MAN (O.S.)

Polyamorous. What an elegant word.

ELLEN

You’re avoiding the question.

MAN (O.S.)

You noticed.

(beat)

To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.

[NOTE: Again, nitpicking. “(beat)” could be substituted with a “…” and read much faster. That or you give a different action, like (taking a deep breath) or a description for Ellen like She gives him nothing.]

ELLEN

Have you told your partner how you feel?

[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of the first page. It’s subtle but very engaging. We’re not sure yet if the patient is psychotic or talking about a real relationship. We don’t get a lot about Ellen, but there’s potentially enough there in the description.]

_______

Questions:

Do I dump the opening scene and begin with Ellen receiving the bad news she’s been cancelled?

If the Tinkerbell comparison is accurate to her personality, yes. Seeing a five foot fairy (not literally, but you know what I mean) take it to the people towering over her for cancelling her show immediately ties us to that description, potentially sets up the inciting incident, and gets us on board with her as an active protagonist. More over, it sets up the “be careful what you wish for” angle so perfectly that we’re engaged on multiple fronts as we cheer for her to win her show back, her reputation, save her family, and defeat the lunatic holding her family hostage, all while wondering ourselves if we would collapse to our own worst case scenario in pursuit of our goals. It’s also a great irony to see her as a firecracker when not on her show, and then when she’s talking with patients, she has the patience of Job and voice of Mother Teresa.

Do I start the first scene with Ellen taking the call from the psychotic alter who threatens her family with a cryptic message: “It’s 9:48. Do you know where your family is?” A teaser for what’s to come?

That would grab our attention, but you’d have to find a cutoff point, take us back to give us the necessary context and then catch us up to that opening. It depends on how much emotional investment you want the audience to gain. If there’s not enough runway, the good looking jet plane established with the opening will fall right off the carrier and into the crashing waves. You also want to make sure that teaser opening is at least a page long so it doesn’t give the sensation of being out of place. “Do you know where your family is?” all the way to “The line goes dead” to “Three hours earlier.”

I still think the other option where Ellen is fighting to keep her show is better, but that’s assuming something about Ellen’s character. If you’ve already got an established theme working for a more reserved Ellen, in and out of the studio, then the latter option of taking us to the inciting incident and then backtracking to answer the question “Who is Ellen?” may work better for you.

_______

ON THE TWIST…

The twists of the patient and Ellen losing her show on account of there not being enough conflict just works. It’s great.

ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…

Again, Jason’s introduction is pitch perfect. Nothing to add.

ON THE NEXT 9 PAGES…

Won’t comment on typos. You know what to do.

Some of the action is difficult or tedious, most often due to it being strict, step-by-step blocking instructions or blocks of text. A good strategy for informing the reader’s eye (about the closest to camera instructions a writer should get) is to create a new line for each new shot, and inform what we see and hear more than what technically happens. for example this…

SOMEONE WALKS DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT FROM OUTSIDE. A MAN YANKS A PULL CHAIN AND A LIGHTBULB BLINKS ON.

…becomes this…

A black door. CREAKING of wooden stairs leading down to it…The bolt recoils into its slot, and the door opens, with light from the outside flooding the dark void of the basement.

A hand yanks a pull chain and a lightbulb illuminates the space in incandescent yellow.

…Not saying this is great, but that it gets closer to being more legible. Also, it’s more useful to know where the space is (INT/EXT. PLACE – TIME OF DAY) than it is to just say “FADE TO BLACK” and reveal the location later. If you want it to be a black screen with just sound effects, maybe using A BLACK SCREEN in place of INT/EXT. PLACE – TIME OF DAY may be more clear in intent.

It’s not super clear that Ellen’s losing her show. It’s almost too subtle that that’s what’s going on. Having Ellen confront it either by going on the offensive or surrendering without a fight will communicate more about that plot point and who she is as a person.

The phone call with the family is great, and the call with Jason is excellent.

Clair and the producer exchange are both fun to listen to and watch.

I think what you have here works fairly well, and once the story gets going, it really gets going. I do think we need just a little more on Ellen. She’s too much of a blank slate coming into this, since her job as a psychologist a lot of times is as a listener (passive role). I don’t want to tell you how to write her character or to make any changes that contradict with your best vision. I do think at least one scene between her and her family would help set up her character a bit more, and would give us faces to connect the upcoming horrors to.

Can’t wait to read the whole script!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Alice,

It’s never my intention to discourage, and I’m sorry if I insulted you. I realize I can be too blunt sometimes, a consequence of the culture and family I grew up in (I joke that Sarcasm is our first language and English is our second). I can’t imagine how difficult it is to write in a different language, and I want you to know I believe in you and your story, and am cheering for it to be as amazing as I know you’re capable of making it. I’ll be sure to check myself next time and make sure my notes are a lot kinder.

Best regards,

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Beats me. I’m guessing by the description in the Day 7 email that our critiques were supposed to go on that page. But since no one has been doing that, I haven’t really worried about it.

[Cameron Martin]

Absolutely Dana!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Antonio!

Here are my notes!

_______

FADE IN:

MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)

Break up. Break up. (beat) Tell her: go to hell! (beat) Gotta break up! (beat) or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.

[NOTE: If you want to include pacing in your dialogue, you can substitute a “(beat)” with a “…”. The latter is more subtle and keeps the reader cruising through your story. Also, “FADE IN” on what exactly? Personally, I’m not a fan of editorial directions, or instructions related to other artists involved in the filming and production of your movie script, BUT if you want to include a “FADE IN,” make sure we know what we’re looking at, even if it’s a black screen.]

INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT

A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.

[NOTE: Short and sweet. I like it.]

The cold frame of a treadmill stands like a ghost ship harbored in a sea of trash and dirt. The control panel glows in the darkness like a dormant, otherworldly creature not to be disturbed.

[NOTE: No. On one hand, you’re communicating an emotion in the space. But you’re using near double the amount of words necessary for a screenplay. Don’t get me wrong. This opening description would work amazingly for a novel or short story. But within the craft of screenwriting, you have to communicate everything (emotion, action/blocking, setting, etc.) in the fewest words possible. Even more, this sort of literary skill set can be exhaustive to a set designer when they’re considering how to dress the space. Try…

A TREADMILL docked in a sea of trash. Its control panel glows in the dark.

…It communicates the same information with about half the words. Writing efficiently like this will keep the reader focused on the story and visuals, and have them speed from one page to the next, hopefully getting through your entire script in one sitting.]

SUPER: PARIS, 3:30 AM

A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about loneliness.

[NOTE: This is efficient and good for script writing. Since you include the lyrics later on, letting us in on what the song is here would be helpful.]

A tungsten-glaring lamp lights up like a full moon whose glowing neglects everything except for the treadmill.

[NOTE: This is too wordy for script writing. I’m spending too much time deciphering the intent in the word play, instead of cruising through your script. Metaphors are great when used sparingly or with few words. Also, like with the set designer, a lighting technician may have frustrations as well with trying to light the room in such a way as a “full moon [illuminating only the treadmill].” If you’re lucky, the lighting technician, set designer, and director will all make better decisions in their respective craft, and by extension make your amazing story come to life in ways you couldn’t imagine.

A Tungsten lamp lights up over the treadmill.]

Through the shades, pictures on the wall show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC and her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.

An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase:

“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“

… engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child, a young girl cursed to spend a lifetime in the narrow world of physical beauty — except that she doesn’t buy any of that.

[NOTE: This description would be stronger if we saw Parisa reacting to the frame. Otherwise, the explanation of how Parisa feels about it should be limited to the fact that she placed sticky tape over the frame. The audience is more than smart enough to figure out Parisa’s feelings on their own…]

Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa, mid-20’s, slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…

PICTURE FRAME

… replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.

[NOTE: …Like that.]

She pours a bottle of water on her head and climbs on the treadmill like one who gets on the back of an untamed beast.

[NOTE: I’m guessing she just got done with a difficult workout and is now “cooling down” by running on a treadmill? It’s difficult to tell. Concrete actions tell us far more about a character than metaphor. Metaphor is great for establishing tone, but a little goes a long way. Cut the comparisons and “like this…,” and use the additional space to tell us what Parisa is doing, what did she just do. You don’t need to explain the how or why. We’ll get all of that and more just through what she does.]

============ end of page 1==============

ON THE TWIST…

The twists of magical items (dagger and talisman) feel very reminiscent of martial arts action movies from the 60’s through the 80’s. Bahadur stands no chance, to looks like he’s going to succeed, to having the fight stolen from him in a supernatural way. It’s very interesting.

ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…

Your inciting incident of Bahadur being taken, and Parisa jumping into action is strong. We have our clear finish line before page 10, and want to know what happens next.

ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…

There’s a mix of great description and wordy metaphor. I would make it a goal to fit all of Parisa’s treadmill scene on page 1 and start the boxing at the bottom of page 1 if possible, top of page 2 as least.

Fred’s description is great. Tells us the kind of guy he is by giving us a scenario. Brilliant.

The description gets a LOT better after the first few pages. I would be careful with the fight description and not get too specific with martial arts terminology, as not everyone will know what a reverse spinning back kick is or a triple spinning crescent kick. Plus, a fight choreographer may come up with something different. This is something I have to remind myself of all the time. I think what you have here is fine and doesn’t go too far. Having us feel those hits will always be more important to convey: His foot CRATERS the rib cage, Her elbow DRILLS his jaw, A fist SLAMS the kidney, FOLDING THE OTHER FIGHTER IN HALF.

I’m interested in reading more! I grew up on POWER RANGERS, 3 NINJAS, THE MATRIX, KICKBOXER and DRAGON BALL Z, so this is obviously right up my alley. You’re going to have a blast of a script. Can’t wait to see the rest of the story.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Antonio!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you Alice for your awesome notes!

I agree that the doctor scene moves a little too fast and does stretch the suspension of disbelief from where we see it in the script currently. I think I know how to fix that and address some of the notes where the inciting incident was unclear.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Alice!

Here are my notes!

_______

OPENING SCENE:

‘Ongoing Experiment checking on how artificial nano-death works.’

[NOTE: While the concept and following visuals assist me in knowing what I’m supposed to be imagining, highlighting “OPENING SCENE” instead of telling us where we are (INT/EXT. PLACE – TIME OF DAY) is customary and more specific. I think the above works for notes to keep you as the writer on track, but your script should include a “SUPERIMPOSE” such as…

SUPERIMPOSE: Artificial nano-death. Test 47

…something of that nature gives us the same information while keeping us moving in the script.]

LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left. Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.

We move upper into grey space.

[NOTE: Dev’s notes pretty much get to the heart of the issue. Blocks of text work for novels and short stories. They’re death to scripts and comics. Frank Darabont has a great writing style for screenplays to copy and learn from while you develop your own style. In the meantime, I’d avoid breaking the fourth wall with pronouns such as “We” unless the fourth wall break is to communicate a tone or personality with your writing. Camera instructions are best saved for the cinematographer, who, if your lucky, will ignore whatever camera directions you came up with because he/she is a master of their craft in the same way you’ll be a master of yours, and they will shoot your movie in a way that makes you look way better than you already are.]

QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)

What new qualities did you acquire?

ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)

I can move walls apart!

[NOTE: I actually kind of like this exchange. It sets up multiple concepts – even death is artificial in the future, and it can yield supernatural abilities. I immediately want to keep reading to see how death and newfound powers are connected and affect the greater world.]

EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY

Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.

Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.

Hands disattach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.

[NOTE: There’s some nice descriptive text here. I personally don’t care for the “aerial view” description (see notes on camera instructions above) but I do get a decent idea of what I’m looking at. “Hands disattach it from fishing line” is a good example of taking us to a shot without saying “we see” or “zoom in on.” Disattach isn’t a word, but detach is. More on the camera angle note, I think I gave the same note to Lisa. Screenplays are like poems in that they’re one of the only written medias where we expect to see more white space on a page than written text, which means, just like with poetry, every word matters. Camera descriptions like “we see” are as wasteful to your vision as adverbs, though you’ll still see both in many professional scripts as sometimes they just can’t be avoided. The more you can can emphasize a wide vocabulary of nouns, verbs, metaphors, font size, etc. the more power you give your script. The screenplay for A QUIET PLACE is probably the most extreme example, but that’s what makes it another good resource to learn from. I’ve included a link below…

https://www.scriptslug.com/assets/scripts/a-quiet-place-2018.pdf

]

JUDGE (O.S.)

That is a FISH! He caught it!

Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.

[NOTE: Nice descriptive text for Judge. I get a very clear mental image.]

INCITING INCIDENT:

Digital image on the screen of small plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water plane from one shore to another.

[NOTE: You don’t have to tell the audience what the inciting incident is. They’ll know intuitively based on the flow of your story. I don’t know where the digital image comes in. Is it something the Judge is looking at? If we’re cutting to a digital image like those sequences in the INDIANA JONES movies with the plane flying around the world, that may be a good place for some editorial instructions like “CUT TO” and a scene heading “DIGITAL SCREEN.” Like with camera instructions, I would limit instructions for an editor, unless it’s for moments like this where it’s vital to our understanding the flow of your narrative.]

View widens, and we can see that is not Earth globe, though resembles. Two archipelagoes are as if reversed, with small piece of island at equator, there are no ice at poles, and long peninsula runs at South of Eastern hemisphere.

[NOTE: This is not an inciting incident. We’re being introduced slowly to your world. It feels like the opening of an anime to me for some reason. Maybe it’s the slow build and focus on society as a whole before transitioning to a handful of key characters, similar to the opening of AKIRA or some of the scenes in GHOST IN THE SHELL. It’s not a bad thing, either. Your inciting incident can come later in the next few pages.]

[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of page 1. It’s a promising start to your story. You have two moments that intrigue me: the artificial death leading to greater power, and this taking place on another planet in the future. The Judge scene feels out of place, but like I said, so do many moments in anime. It’s a difference between how Westerners and the Japanese tell stories, and just take some getting used to and seeing the whole picture.]

________

ON THE TWIST…

There are some good twists and turns in these first few pages that kept me engaged.

ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…

I think the moment Kiat disappears is your inciting incident. I got the impression that Kiat and Thanakh were lovers. I’d love to have more time with them, see their connection to each other, then have her go missing. That way, we can see more of what Thanakh has to lose when he discovers Kiat’s gone.

ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…

The dialogue reads like an English dub, which considering the context is understandable. Still, the intended meaning behind some of the words and actions still carried through and did provide some enjoyable moments. I liked the “We don’t give answers for free” line; that gave me some more understanding on how this world works and what it has in similarity to our own.

I’m fascinated to know what part of the world you’re from and what influences you have for your writing. There’s a lot here from the concept alone that will draw interest from SciFi fans worldwide.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Kate!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev,

I agree that the bunker is when the story is really set in motion, but man…that leaves so little time for the “ordinary world.” Don’t get me wrong, if it comes to it I’ll happily floor it whilst still being in the garage, and if I can find a way to cut my original opening in half, I’m sure I’ll find a way to get the “locked out of the bunker” beat on page 10. Just hope I can do it without time jumping or flashbacks.

Thanks again!

Cam

(By the way, I put up my V.2. Looking forward to reading yours!)

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much June!

Those are some excellent questions! Particularly Isaiah not calling Mom. I’ll have to take a look and see how I can clear up some of the confusion in subsequent scenes.

The dream deal is a great point and one I’ve gone back and forth on a lot. One of the three pages teasers I have is a literal dream with Beth and Sully arguing about their son, until Beth turns at the height of the argument and kills Sully. It’s more intense like what Matthew emphasized the opening needed, but it left my wife confused when I told her about it, sooo…may nix that version.

I’ll keep looking for ways to bring out more dimension in the characters. There was a lot more of it in my original opening, but cutting seven pages out of it to get the alarm to hit on page 10 eliminated a lot of that hard work. Back to grindstone for me.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much Matthew!

I was worried the opening wouldn’t be strong enough. It’s the most modest of my three versions. I can definitely make this version more intense. I’ll try turning up the heat just a bit, but I think my V.2 will include one of the other three page teasers, just to see what kind of response it receives.

My original opening had a lot more twists, but it also had the inciting incident of the alarm sound off on page 17 instead of page 10. I’m still a little uncertain if I NEED the alarm to sound on page 10, and whether a few more pages of character development would serve the script better, but I’ll keep playing within the parameters Hal advised.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Here are my notes!

_______

INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT

HALLWAY

The place is trashed, with dead bodies on the ground mixed in with garbage and overall griminess. Messy gang graffiti lines the walls. What is this hellhole?

[NOTE: Great opening shot to set the tone – literal hell – followed by the question, “What is this hellhole?” It can be tightened up just a bit, like “The place screams TRASHED – dead bodies swim in garbage and grime as graffiti mocks them from the walls.” It’s the same visual information communicated just a tad faster and with more attitude. What you have already is good. Look for opportunities to edit and add character (like the emotion just smacks) for when you get to word smithing.]

BLAM! A man comes crashing out of a door on one side of the hallway, out of breath. This is PACO, a hulking menace covered in tattoos, carrying a baseball bat with a spike in it. He collapses against the wall, exhausted.

[NOTE: Again, you’ve got a great visual here. The sound effect is great; grabs our attention right away, just like if we were watching it. Just tighten the paragraph up. “A man CRASHES through a door…SMACK against the wall. Can’t catch his breath.”]

CLICK. Then, out of the other door, stumbles SPENCER. He’s even bigger than Paco, with a military-cut and an aura of viciousness. He tightly grips a rusty chain like it’s a massive rosary for the damned.

[NOTE: Rosary for the damned is beautiful. I won’t repeat the same note for tightening up the descriptions. Just avoid adverbs at all costs. They’re a waste of page space when you can add a different verb, noun, metaphor, etc. to communicate the same information with more visceral clarity.]

Did I mention both were covered in blood? And I mean head-to-toe covered. It’s even in their eyes and hair.

[NOTE: I dig it. The fourth wall break adds some personality to your script.]

The two look at each other and lock eyes.

HOST (V.O.)

Here we are, folks. The final moment of final moments has come upon us.

INT. AUDIENCE STAGE – NIGHT

The HOST (50’s), in a fancy Armani suit and oozing charisma, is the only thing illuminated on an all-black stage. He speaks in a terse whisper to the hidden audience.

HOST

The two most vicious and bloodthirsty murderers left in the world are about to meet up for the last time. Both gangs have been annihilated in the just ten minutes. They’re all that’s left of the world’s prison population. And we’re watching their brutal end with our very eyes.

[NOTE: Typo with “annihilated in the just…”. It’s a decent setup for these men are and the context surrounding them. It’s what any sports announcer would do. Anything you could do to create a relationship between Paco and Spencer would elevate it. You see this all the time in sports (just refer to literally every game Nick Saban plays an assistant, or two rivals). Otherwise, this is solid.]

INT. INSANE ASYLUM – NIGHT

PACO and SPENCER step up to each other. They look each other up and down–then Paco breaks down into hysterical tears.

PACO

I don’t want to die like this, man! Charlie had his fucking intestines ripped out by that thing…

[NOTE: Good conclusion for the first page. Good twist to have us consider something we haven’t seen yet beyond the Host and the two contestants. We know based on the Host’s previous commentary that Paco is or was a stone cold killer, which makes his complete breakdown more impactful.]

(NOTE: THIS IS THE END OF PAGE 1)

[NOTE: Thanks for the heads up! I’ll be sure to apply this same strategy to my V.2. This is a strong first page. tightening up the writing and having the announcer focus more on Paco and Spencer (like what a WWE announcer would do) will take it to a whole new level.]

_______

ON THE TWIST…

Your first three pages have a lot of twists and turns, revealing more little by little. It’s slowed down a bit with the multitude of character introductions, even though a couple of them do provide some nice twists of their own, such as Josh’s intro. Taking us from legal criminals to social criminals feels so real it’s scary in its own right.

ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…

I love that the emphasis isn’t on eliminating criminals anymore. It immediately distinguishes your story from others like GAMER and DEATHRACE. The reasoning behind contestants being voted in is fantastic and poignant.

ON THE OTHER 9 PAGES…

Great transitions from one hallway to the next, and answering the Host’s question about new “players” by cutting to the players. Efficient writing is script worthy writing.

Spencer begs for mercy after being bitten in half. Pretty sure it’s Paco pleading for his life.

The Host’s politics are frightening. Divide and conquer taken to its most extreme, and sets up your story and ending perfectly.

The shared necklace and implied blood oath is a great touch. You tell us she’s taking his place without the spectacle, which does make this read different than THE HUNGER GAMES.

Nice setup overall. We have a clear direction of where we’re going. I’m fifty-fifty on the amount of intros for each character. On one hand, each is essential for tying us to the character. On the other hand, it risks slowing the pace of events down to a crawl. I think Alicia deserves every second of her intro. I’m not sure yet on the others. If you can communicate what makes each contestant unique with a quick visual so their respective intro takes up less than half a page for each, that may reduce the risk of the ride stalling. It’s something to consider. You don’t want a producer wondering when the story’ll pick back up.

This is a great opener. I can see some of the Horror class influences with the way the monsters (literal, societal, and human) are all revealed so slowly but relentlessly. I’m eager to read more!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much for awesome notes Lisa!

This was a pain to rewrite from my original opening, but I’m glad it came out so well. Cut out about 7 pages to get that scene with the manager and the alarm to happen on page 10.

Can’t wait to dive back into it and fix a number of those typos and confusing lines.

I didn’t think Horror was my genre either. I swore if off after writing a short story in high school that was too scary and brutal to me at the time (it still kind of is). I’m glad, though, that the other components of characters and thoughtfulness helped to elevate it to something enjoyable to the non-horror fan.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Here are my notes!

_______

FADE UP

EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY

UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE

It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN is passed out and just dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN dressed like an angel in a white robe, like Clarence in It’s a Wonderful Life. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.

[NOTE: The first thing to note is that this reads like the opening of a short story, not a screenplay. “It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast.” While all of this does set up a mental image, screenwriting is almost like poetry in that you have so little space to make an impact. When you pick up a book, you expect there to be more words than white space. Screenplays and poems are the opposite; you expect more white space in a script than words on a page. This means you have deliver not only the visuals but the emotions of the moment in about half the words you’d ordinarily use, and apply pacing. A good strategy is that whenever there’s a new shot in your head, start a new line of description…

RAIN lashes the pavement.

CRASH! Lightning SPLITS the sky in two, illuminating…

Biblical RAPIDS tearing underneath the BRIDGE.

It takes up a lot more space than a block of text, but it’s more authentic to the pacing of the film and fires the emotion of the scene into the reader’s brain in an instant. Another note is to not sacrifice the emotion of your writing with notes for a cinematographer. Start a new line and take us directly to Mary without any camera directions or references to a fourth wall. The cinematographer and director may agree with you on your original shot, but your goal is to deliver emotion, not instructions. Other than that, this opening delivers a powerful setting to start your film. We’re immediately on the edge of our seats. Just cut the text down to the raw emotions and visuals, and this opening will soar.]

WOMAN

They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. Ironic that he’s trying to save me.

[NOTE: That first sentence is such a cliché that it almost turns me off to the rest of the line, which by the way is great. After the clichéd opening sentence, we know there’s more at stake than just these two people, the two people’s connection to each other, and the irony. It’s so close to being a great first line. It just needs to be tightened up and lose the cliché.]

She looks down at the MAN.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

But how do you save a war hero who doesn’t have her wings yet?

Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it in her pocket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

I can’t talk now, sweetie.

[NOTE: Subtle. I love it. She’s obviously talking to her child, or at the very least someone very close to her. While the subtext is great on its own, it brings the family right into the present situation. This is exactly what efficient writing looks like.]

The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her pants. The rope jerks! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

Well, this is what I am. (yelling) I’m a mother in America!

The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

I’m hanging around trying to convince myself that it really is a wonderful li…

Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera.

WOMAN (VOICEOVER)

…iiiiiife!!

FADE OUT

[NOTE: I’m assuming this is where your first page ends. All in all, this is a solid opener. Some of the dialogue was…I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you swapped the roles between Peter and Mary. This new version of Mary says things that tell me she’s a little off her rocker. She’s completely overwhelmed, and the thunderstorm reflects the tempest going on inside her mind. Just like how she can’t see through the rain, she can’t see through her own emotions and how her actions are affecting her family. I think I picked up on more the further I read, and when I went back and analyzed the scene, it became much clearer on what was going on with Mary. It’s a great opener.]

_______

ON THE TWIST…

There are some nice twists here, between Mary and Peter surviving the fall, their splitting, Mary’s introduction, Peter and the kids running into Mary. The snowmobile shop being threatened doesn’t carry a lot of weight because we don’t see it or Mary manning it prior. Doesn’t mean we have to see it, but if you wanted to make that moment stronger, you could include a line or two where she’s looking forward to seeing her kids after being away for so long, she’s looking forward to rekindling the relationships she lost, and then the news of the snowmobile shop hits and has her reconsider. Otherwise, the hits really do just keep hitting, and we miss out on the polarity shifting between positive to negative.

ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…

Same notes as above. I’m assuming the snowmobile shop being threatened is the inciting incident. I think it just needs to hit a little harder. As it’s written right now, the reveal of the snowmobile shop feels too soft to notice its impact. How does the snowmobile shop and Mary’s earnings impact the way she relates to and interacts with her family? There’s gotta be a connection there or Mary just meanders, uncommitted to her family in any visceral sense.

ON THE OTHER NINE PAGES…

I’m curious as to why you decided to switch roles for Peter and Mary. The decision did leave a handful of typos – places where you have Peter listed when you meant Mary, or referring to Mary as “Sir” or “He” – which did leave to some confusion.

The voiceover is a nice touch. There’s a couple moments of where she parrots the description instead of giving us a glimpse into her character and beliefs, such as when she reads the sign “You are entering Bedford Falls” for the audience. You’ve shown earlier in the script that you can excel at efficient writing. Don’t repeat information we’ve already received. Give us new information or at least affirm information we’ve previously learned from a new light or angle.

The writing could be tighter. Like what I described above, there are opportunities to delete a description and cut to a line of dialogue instead. For example, instead of…

“RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs.”

…You could have…

RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”…

RUTHIE & JANIE

I want a pretty platypus for Christmas!

…It’s a minor change that says the same thing as before, but it keeps the pacing fast and keeps us focused on the characters, not on the description.

Hearing Peter’s thoughts is jarring. It feels like something from a novel or a detective story, not a Christmas Drama.

I think when the writing gets tighter this script will read much faster. It may not fit everything you’ve included here in the ten page requirement, but giving us a clear setup for Mary to kidnap Santa is perfect for the page ten mark.

_______

I tried to not overwhelm you with too many notes. I’m sorry if this is a lot. There’s a lot of great stuff here. I think if you make the writing tighter and set up those twists for a stronger emotional shift, you’ll have an amazing first ten pages.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much, Dev! Your notes are always so encouraging!

I’ve been a little torn as to what exactly could be called the inciting incident; does it technically happen before the events of the story with the Hegemony, with Beth’s death, with the alarm announcing the aliens’ return, with Sully and Isaiah being locked out of the bunker? I settled on the alarm since that’s what sends the remainder of the story in motion, and the two being locked out of the bunker is a little too demanding of me to summarize everything I need to include prior in only 9 1/2 pages.

I’ll definitely work on the vague or awkward writing. I hated rewriting my original opening, but kept repeating Hal’s mantra that when it comes to first draft material, it’s my job to write crap. Your notes on my descriptions are always welcome and provide such a great learning opportunity to improve my craft.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

Here are my notes!

_______

FADE IN:

EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – LATE SUMMER NIGHT

A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home. A window in the basement leaks light from a TV. The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.

[NOTE: “The basement window leaks [or bleeds?] light” may read faster and more coherently. I get the sense this is supposed to read like a zoom-in. I think the shot’s fine, but I wouldn’t sacrifice the description with an adverb in the hope that a cinematographer agrees with you. “The basement window bleeds light and muffles the cries from the television.” Not saying you should use this example, but rather just showcasing that this sets the tone with the same information.]

TV NEWS (O.S.)

(Marchers’ chants)

Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us!

[NOTE: This is definitely provocative.]

INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT

CLAY CAINE sits in near dark watching the TV.

CLAY

Those sons of the devil.

[NOTE: And we get Clay’s first introduction. I’m a little lost as to whom he’s casting judgement on though. The way it reads now makes me think he doesn’t like the racist marchers.]

Sudden wind blasts slam tree branches against his home.

CLAY

Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot!

[NOTE: Which idiot? On some level, I feel like this is intended to be a story question, but there’s too little I know for me to care. So far, I have a character who’s obviously pissed. It’s one emotion, and I don’t know who to connect it with. The protestors are my only connection with Clay, but I don’t know enough about him yet either.]

Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.

[NOTE: A passive twist. Clay’s not actually involved.]

CLAY

Aw… Jesus…

[NOTE: How is Clay affected by this? He didn’t like the marchers. What’s he pissed about? I’m sure there are people who can relate to being annoyed with protestors, but it’s a passive action to empathize with.]

Distraught, Clay drops his head into his hands.

CLAY

Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…

[NOTE: So were they his marchers?]

WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force the TV blacks out. Clay sits in the dark.

CLAY

Fuck.

Clay rampages through the dark room, destroying anything he can find.

CLAY

Fuck, fuck, fuck, Fuck!

[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of the first page. Clay comes across as a short-fuse who dedicates his free time to yelling at the tv. That’s all I got from the first page. Your second page picks up with WAY more character development and introduces a dilemma for our protagonist, making him active. If you watch this film without any sound or subtitles, we see a storm and an otherwise passive man who gets angry at a tv. Meanwhile, with the second page we get a save the cat moment, followed by watching this guy struggle to rouse a crowd, and the weather wreaking havoc. The YouTube channel “Every Frame a Painting” has a great video on Akira Kurosawa, and how he tells his stories with blocking, weather, and shapes. Genndy Tartakovsky’s PRIMAL is another great reference for pure cinema. Your second page feels like it should be your first. BUT, if you want this scene to back up your festival scene, look for things that make Clay empathetic and active. How can move him through the space or block him in such a way to have the audience say, “I’ve been there.”]

_______

ON THE TWIST…

The multiverse angle is unique, but I would work to communicate some of the description with less than a paragraph. Single words and active verbs to establish a strong visual, followed by a clear connection to the concept of what’s occurring. Fair warning, I don’t know if I would’ve picked up on this being a multiverse without knowing this story prior. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have picked up on it, but I could see me mistakenly thinking we were talking about space KKK, like Skywalker in a white sheet. The twist with Adam is good. We may be led to believe this is Clay’s group, when all of a sudden they oust him. Got AMERICAN BEAUTY vibes with Bethany. I felt almost too much like a retread, but it does add a setup that makes me curious to know how that plot line resolves and will be connected to the main story. Someone other than his wife being in bed with him is where I got caught wanting to read more. That twist works great, especially considering his beliefs.

ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…

I’ve written on this scene before. I think your second and third pages where Clay is abandoned by his own people is good and gets us on board with what this story’s about very quickly.

ON THE REMAINING TEN PAGES…

The remaining ten pages appear to quietly set up Clay’s family dynamic and the world(s) at large. Considering the way your story ends, I would work to elevate Clay’s humanity in these initial pages. Showcase everything he has to lose. Give us the opposite of where the story ends. When I look at Clay, I think of Tevye from FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. He too starts out super traditional but bends and bends until he can’t, but ultimately does promise to hold the love for his family in greater importance than the traditions of his faith that he holds so dear. It’s the opposite of Clay’s arc. Where Tevye chooses family, Clay chooses ambition and his own twisted beliefs. The main difference between the two is Tevye is likable from the get go. He struggles but makes light of it. We want to have a beer with Tevye. Clay starts out mostly unlikable and ends evil. It’s not much of an arc for him. Not saying you make Clay the Captain Jack Sparrow version of klansmen, but adding in more ironies or sudden turns of his demeanor keeps us on our toes more and makes us wonder if he’s capable of change or if he’s dangerous.

I didn’t want to overwhelm with too many notes. Let me know if you want me to review in more detail or page by page. I figured I’d go with this format, considering Hal’s instructions for critiquing, and I’ll add more notes as requested. There’s a lot of potential in the opening of your script, and the best parts are definitely your inciting incident with Adam and the way the parallel worlds interact with each other.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

Here are my notes!

_______

OVER BLACK

“1972”

JOE (V.O.)

Fugazi. Moron. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?

ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. We swore a blood oath.

JOE (V.O.) Blood?! You got that right. We’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.

[NOTE: The only things that are connecting this part to the Vietnam War and its horrors that affect Roy is the year 1972 and the word “jungle” in Joe’s line. It just feels vague and weak, and doesn’t really tie us to the Roy we see in the following scene. Maybe instead of a black screen we see the torment Roy goes through, or at least hear the worst day ever from his ventures. What does “fugazi” sound like when it really hits the fan at 200 miles per hour? This would create a strong contrast between the young, just-lost-his-innocence Roy and the mature, charming his way out of every situation Roy in the following scene.]

“50 YEARS LATER”

Fade In

EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON Roy, late 60’s, could charm the frown off of a church lady despite his scruffiness and nervous energy. He tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.

ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!

[NOTE: Nice first line. Roy immediately establishes himself as a unique character.]

No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”

ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?

[NOTE: Again, he’s interesting. And the setup with the “you think I am lazy” “won’t you let me come home” gives us two quick story questions – Will he get inside? Who’s Suzy to Roy?]

Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.

[NOTE: Another character moment. He takes and manipulates. Will Suzy fall for it?]

EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS

ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?

[NOTE: A humorous shift.]

Silence.

ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.

[NOTE: Good transition. We go from obnoxious, to feigned sweetness, to humor, to humility. We’re not sure yet who the real Roy is, but we’re getting a god picture.]

Pause.

Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.

[NOTE: Good addition of it being cold and Roy feeling it. It gives us something to empathize with. Most of us know what it’s like to be caught out in the elements, and so we at least know we want Roy to have shelter.]

Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.

[NOTE: I’m assuming this is the bottom of the first page. We have a conclusion, at least for now. Roy didn’t get in. Either Suzy’s not home, or whatever Roy did was bad enough that she’d rather leave him out in the cold rather than let him inside. I do wonder if there’s a twist or action that reveals a little more of the kind of survivor Roy is. I mean, I get that he lights a fire in the grill, but any of us would and could do that. What’s something that would make Roy stand out on the first page in a big way. What if we skip the fire and go straight to smashing his mug through the window, or if Roy takes out a switchblade and shimmies the door or a window open, or if Roy already had a fire going and dinner cooking, but he was keeping that hidden because the goal of getting inside is the real prize?]

______

ON THE TWIST…

The first four pages are full of twists and turns and sell the story well. We go from Roy finding his way into an abandoned rental on the first page, getting an idea of the kind of man he is (damaged, possibly FUBAR) on the second, a rising conflict with the landlord, and a car chase on the fourth page. Other than the notes I gave on that first page, the remaining pages are a great setup for your story. I’m personally not a fan of the prison scene. It’s too grotesque for my liking, but a producer may think differently. I do think with how little the prison scene affects the rest of the narrative, getting that scene down to one page will help keep the pace of your opening rocketing through the hospital, then to the trial. Speaking of which…

ON THE INCITING INCIDENT…

“By page 10, we know what the story is about” I feel like that moment is when the judge tells Roy to accept his benefits within a limited timeframe. Kim is an important part of the story, but I don’t know if she helps sell the first 10 pages like Roy’s story does. There’s too much mystery surrounding her in the beginning. I’m not sure of the exact scenes that follow these first ten pages, as it’s been a while since I’ve reviewed your outline and I expect some elements of your script have changed since then. I would look at kicking off Roy’s trial after the hospital scene, and cut where you can in the prison house if needed to make room.

_______

I didn’t want to overwhelm you with too many notes. Let me know if you want me to review in more detail or page by page. I figured I’d go with this format, considering Hal’s instructions for critiquing, and I’ll add more notes as requested. There’s a lot of great stuff here for your first ten pages!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Sounds great! Can’t wait to read your first ten pages!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Alice!

Thank you for showing me your story in this kind of detail! It’s a lot easier to understand now. Here are my thoughts!

What I Loved!

Again, I think the concept is fascinating. I love the detective story combined with a greater civil war narrative. It has a very mid-century, cold war, noir feel. It’s original, the tone is consistent through to the end, and has a lot of potential to be compared with the likes of BLADERUNNER.

While I have some notes on the multiple protagonist angle, I do like how we see this bigger world. As you know from my story, I went in the opposite direction, focusing on a very intimate story in the midst of a massive universe…and it does create the possibility of confusion as to how everything works. Meanwhile, the audience gets to see YOUR world and all of the politics, the wars, the greater implications, and you handle it beautifully by starting with a small detective story and building up to bigger and bigger conflicts and consequences. That’s exactly how you tell this kind of the story. And while it has a downer ending, it feels earned and poignant. It says something real about the world we live in, and gives us a warning for the future. Science Fiction at its most classic and what the genre does best.

What I have questions about…

This story looks like it’s a multiple POV (point of view) story, with no one specific protagonist we’re following throughout the entire narrative. We piggyback off of one character for a while, and then move on to another. It reminds me of films like VANTAGE POINT (though I’ll note that VANTAGE POINT’s entire theme was about different perspectives providing conflicting information, and that it’s not until we here all sides of the story that we uncover the truth). Structurally, this makes me ask the question as to whether this is for a tv show or novel, as opposed to a two hour movie. In novels and even some tv shows, we can have multiple protagonists as the story progresses (see GAME OF THRONES or THE EXPANSE, both of which are novel series that were adapted for television). In a two hour movie, a multiple protagonist structure is almost impossible. Even in the Marvel Cinematic Universe which functions more like a long running television series, you still have a main protagonist. I’ll focus on Marvel’s “Phase 1” as the example because it’s easier to observe; we had three to four films (IRON MAN, THOR, CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER) looking into the lives of these comic book characters. Then, when we had our season finale with the first AVENGERS film, we brought all of these “protagonists” together in one film. However, the main protagonist of THE AVENGERS is Tony Stark/Iron Man. It’s his journey we follow, his sacrifice, his lessons to learn, he drives the whole story. And this decision to make Tony Stark/Iron Man the main protagonist throughout the Marvel movies is why Robert Downey Jr. was given top billing; even with all of the other heroes involved, the story doesn’t continue without Tony Stark, and that remains true through the next three AVENGERS movies. So, if MIROPOLIS is supposed to be a book series, a singular novel, or a television series, then I think your current structure works fine. If it’s supposed to be a two part film series (I’m assuming this is what you’re going for with “Part 1” and “Part 2”) I would isolate one protagonist from each arc and take each of them them through the 30 plot points and/or Hal’s ProSeries modules for their respective narratives. For example, take your detective’s story in the first part through all 30 plot points, then take either Lena or Ward’s story in the second part through all 30 plot points. This will establish one protagonist for each film, and take each protagonist through a complete arc, which will make the endings for both parts (the introduction of “zones” and the downer ending of the zones persistence) more powerful. Again, this is just if you want to make MIROPOLIS a two part film. While I think this strategy would still yield a stronger narrative, it’s not required when writing for a novel.

And this brings me to discussing your story’s Theme. I can’t remember when exactly we touched on Theme in the ProSeries, but to give my quick rundown on this concept, Theme is usually another word for Argument. The only difference between Theme and Argument is how the two are presented. While an Argument is usually thought of as a verbal debate, Theme is much more nuanced. It’s still an argument, but it makes this argument through character choices and consequences, tone, narrative structure, setting, etc. The verbal debate aspect of a theme’s argument is put so far in the background that often it’s considered unnecessary. In fact, one trick that’s used occasionally is to construct dialogue that’s antithetical to the argument made through the greater narrative, as a way to make the theme’s argument stand out in ironic fashion. With all of that said, “We hit techno society with planes, phones, and computers” is a setting, not a theme. Films with this setting that construct a theme from it include TERMINATOR (Theme – the cold relentless nature of technology that we take for granted will turn that nature on us), TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (Theme – We can change our destiny as a species if we learn empathy and self control in the same way the terminator did), ALIENS (Theme – the unconditional love a mother has is the most powerful force in the universe), THE MATRIX (Theme – We can save humanity when we believe in ourselves over our perceived reality), and even THE DARK KNIGHT (Theme – Even as the forces of order, justice and chaos “burn down” our individual liberties and privacy, our willingness to stand up for each other will be what has us prevail in the end). You can watch any acclaimed film, and in it you will find a moral argument based on the actions, tone, and settings of the film. With the story you’re currently presenting, the theme appears to be based on the argument that the technology developed with the best intentions will inevitably be used to enslave us. That’s my best guess. If I’m correct, then have this argument beat like drum in every action of every scene, until it rings the loudest in the final image. If you have a different theme/argument in mind, then write it out clear as day, hang it above your computer, and orient every facet of your story around that central argument. Having the strong presence of a Theme is required because it sets the tempo. Without Theme, a story meanders and is like a song with no rhythm. With Theme, you have a story that has a chance to sing like Beethoven, Tool, or Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (not really establishing a preferred genre of music as not all films sing the same song either).

Thank you again for helping me to understand your story in detail! I hope I was able to provide something that helps you to achieve your vision with the perfection this story deserves.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Alice!

Here’s what I love about your ending!

I love the philosophical concept of Separation and the potential ethical and natural conflicts that arise from it. It feels very DUNE-like in how it takes place in world so far into the future that science looks like magic and civilization is recognizable but not necessarily relatable. I envy writers that create stories from this sub-genre of science fiction. They’re the true trailblazers of the genre as a whole.

What I have questions about…

This is where it gets really difficult for me because the language barrier naturally creates confusion, at least I’m assuming English isn’t your first language. And if that’s the case, I’m aware that there may be some cultural differences as well with how information is communicated (One memory comes to mind of my having to explain to my cousin’s Iranian girlfriend that when my cousin said my wife and I “live underwater,” he was referring to the fact that my wife and I live under sea level in a part of the United States that’s mostly swamp land, and not literally underwater in a bio-dome). With that said, I apologize if some things are missed in translation between my interpretation of your work and what I attempt to communicate here.

There’s so much about this story’s structure and plot that I don’t fully understand. Beyond the premise and a handful of characters, I can only speculate what the rest of the narrative consists of, and it would be unfair to you to base my notes on something that hasn’t been presented to me yet. The ending has such low resolution to me that it’s akin to Schrödinger’s Cat: Your ending is both brilliant and, at the same time, vague. There’re a number of practical screenwriting tools that deal with structure, but I’d like to provide one tool that may help outline your story so that we can see as much of it as needed. This is a checklist that’s based on a number of screenwriting books and something that I’ve used in this series for my story…

1. Opening Image

2. Establishing the “Ordinary World”

3. Your Theme is Stated

4. Set Up for the Main Events of the Story

5. The Protagonist’s Call to Adventure

6. The Protagonist’s Denial of that Call

7. Meeting with a Mentor

8. The Catalyst that Sets the Story in Motion

9. The Protagonist’s final Debate as to whether to Accept the Call or Deny It.

10. The Protagonist’s Acceptance of the Call

11. Crossing the Border into the “Unfamiliar World”

12. The Protagonist goes through their first “Tests,” acquiring both Allies and Enemies. The “B-Plot“ is also introduced.

13. The Protagonist Approaches the “Inner Cave”

14. A Moment of Death and Rebirth

15. The Story Flips on its Head. What the story was about before has become something else.

16. The Protagonist Receives a Bounty or Prize

17. The “Bad Guys” Close In

18. All is Lost

19. Dark Night of the Soul

20. The Protagonist Returns with “The Elixir.” The Bounty Comes into Play

21. Return to the “Ordinary World”

22. The Protagonist Executes Plan A

23. A False Victory

24. The Protagonist Falls into a Trap

25. The Antagonist’s Victory is at Hand

26. The Protagonist Goes Alone or Has a Last Ditch Effort

27. The Protagonist Makes their Greatest Sacrifice

28. The Final Battle

29. The Protagonist has a Self Revelation through either Winning the Prize or Losing the Prize

30. Closing Image.

These are 30+ plot points that generally make up the majority of any given film. They’re not always exact or literal, and are meant to serve as guidelines or implement a general feeling. If you’re able to write out a sentence or two of what happens in your story as it relates to each plot point, that would go a long way to helping me understand your story and what you’re going for. If you have any questions about what a specific concept means, let me know. And if you don’t want to use this tool, that’s fine too. I’ll try my best to give some feedback on what you’ve provided so far. Just know it may take me some time to parse through.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

It’s my pleasure Dev!

That’s awesome that you actually have experience selling a script! I’d love to hear about that process if you’re open to it.

I feel Cheryl on her encouraging such a difficult script. The only screenplay I’ve finished put me through a clinic from trying to juggle androids, religious AI, classical myth, reincarnation, cyborgs, deconstruction of faith, family dynamics, as well as your typical character drama stuff in under 130 pages. I learned so much from just trying to get it to function correctly.

Thank your for the amazingly kind words! They make my whole day!

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Alice!

Great comment on the details. It’s been an Achilles Heel for me for years, and the great struggle remains how to get everything I want into fewer than 100 pages.

I don’t really consider how the logistics of Judeo-Christian beliefs fit into this world beyond the foundational ethics with which they operate from. Much of the story is told through this argument between moral absolutism versus utilitarianism, from the lens of control versus cooperation. The aliens provide both the horror and a real world comparison with how our actions have an impact on nature, and how that circles back to harm us (cane toads, fire ant, and killer bees as a couple of examples), while The Hegemony’s actions and cover ups hopefully remind of similar systems (The USSR and Chernobyl as an example) and how they operate by holding the lie in higher regard than human life. And I’ve never been much of a horror guy myself, but figured if I’m good at it and it’s easier to break into the industry through this genre, then I’d better give it my best shot.

As to the humor and character motivations, I see there’s still a good bit of fine tuning needed on my part. Black comedy or gallows humor is a way that many people cope with difficult circumstances, and when we’re cornered by stress, our lizard brains often force us to make choices that contradict our morals and beliefs. That said, it’s not very helpful if the audience doesn’t get a clear understanding of how X-Event led to Y-Action.

Totally understand being shy. I’m often a bit of a wallflower myself. I’m more than happy to review your ending and offer any feedback I can! I really want to see everyone here succeed!

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

Here’s what I love about your ending!

To Michael’s point, I don’t see this as the universe trying to teach these two men a lesson, but rather one story of many in an indifferent universe’s natural progression, through weather, universe strings merging, etcetera. If that’s the case, I thoroughly enjoy this idea. It reminds me of Ecclesiastes or (going with an actual film for comparison) AKIRA. Have to go back to it every once in a while as I continue to learn how the Japanese tell stories versus western culture, and it’s rewarding each time. In case you haven’t seen it, there’re a number of subplots and questions raised, and yet they seemingly have no purpose or point to the actual story. However, it is that irrelevance to the main story that is the whole point: the things we give so much meaning to are an afterthought to fate, time, GOD, the universe, what have you. I love relating this same concept to race or perceived differences.

With that said, there’s also an element of fate deciding whether racism exists or not in that final image. Between the universes themselves creating cultures that act with racial prejudice, and the almost mythical nature that both Lincoln and Clay appear to represent that prejudice killing themselves and seemingly racism with them, as well as Adam taking control, there’s a lot of room for interpretation and discussion, even if the main theme of “we’re not so different, you and I” remains intact. This reminds me of INCEPTION, where the main story and theme (for the most part) were easy to understand and explain, while the deeper meanings can conjure a deluge of ideas and conversations.

What I have questions about…

While I love the deep philosophical discussion your story is aiming for, comparing it with the likes of AKIRA and INCEPTION, I will say that its complexity is perhaps a double edged sword. You have the framework necessary for this kind of story, but I also recollect INCEPTION taking Christopher Nolan about a decade to figure out, and I’m not going to pin that solely on him needing to make Batman for the money first. And while INCEPTION was a monumental success, his film TENNET is riddled with narrative structure problems, and needed maybe another several years of rewrites to get it to where it could’ve been. I know this is less about the specific skill mastery sheet checklist than it is an admittedly broad-brush note, and I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful. I’m just bringing it up that while I believe in your story and that it has the potential to be a phenomenon, this one may take a while to get the writing just right, because it has so much it wants to say.

I’m going to assume that when you write “FIRST TURNING POINT” you’re actually writing about your “SECOND TURNING POINT.” With that said, it appears your first two acts are effectively character studies on both Clay and Lincoln, allowing for us to get to know each character individually before it’s revealed to us through action that they’re not living in the same universe, but are actually part of separate universes on a collision course with each other. At least, that’s what I got out of your Setup. If that’s the case, I think that’s a very easy to understand structure and can be well executed to deliver your story’s theme. If that’s not what you’re going for, I may need a lot more information about your Setup and how it’s flooring us to this climactic finale.

I think most every part of this ending works to deliver a lot of nuance to this controversial issue: the way GOD and religion can be misinterpreted and abused, the fact that the Crisis isn’t just about Clay choosing to not accept his past, but also choosing to not accept himself, how the Climax is about these two people we’ve come to know as well as our family members tragically killing each other over the same thing (mirror images of each other), and the Resolution and Last Page delivering both a sense of hope and a warning for what we could become. As I stated above, I think a lot of this is going to come down to clearly stating each story part’s intent so that if you have to pitch your story in less than two minutes, we can get the entire meaning and see the whole structure of your story in that timeframe. If you allow the structure to be simple (familiar or instantly recognizable finish line(s)), you’ll have a lot more freedom to innovate the way your are in the theme and concept department.

I’m sorry for the lengthy notes and the more general nature they’re written. I would love to talk more about your story. Please let me know if you have any questions about what I’ve written here or would like me to go into more detail into a specific part of your ending.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Thank you for the props! I’m glad I could end it with a punch!

I like your observation on getting that emotional choice down to one sentence. It’s a great idea for keeping a fixed target for the other scenes to follow. Great point on Jude’s notes feeling static. I’ll brainstorm some ideas on how to make that angle more cinematic.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

Thank you so much! I’m over the moon that this story is receiving this kind of adulation. It means a lot. And your observations are spot on with what this story’s about.

I’ll get right to reading your ending!

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Here’s what I loved about your ending!

I love the set pieces and setting. It’s the epitome of Christmas magic.

I love the self referential humor the characters use. It draws us in because it feels like they’re joking about the setting right along with us.

I think Peter being a stand-in for a more tragic George Bailey, like “what if George really did jump, but Mary was there to save him,” is a really interesting choice for this character and opens up a lot of doors to engage the audience throughout the movie. There’s immediate buy-in because no matter what similarities this movie will have to the holiday classic, there’s that one crucial deviation that convinces us that we’re going into uncharted waters.

What I have questions about…

There’s a lot going on in your third act. Your Crisis, Climax, Resolution and Final Page descriptions are each as long as your Setup explanation that covers 75% of the movie, and they feel like they contain as much information. Some of this may be the the Setup needs more detail (I’ve commented a number of times that Hal’s request for the setup to be one to two paragraphs in length is a lofty goal, and potentially robs the reviewer from fully understanding the third act). Some of this might be having too many storylines to keep up with going into the final act. I was thinking of the first DOWNTON ABBEY movie and how many plots and subplots it tries to resolve in its third act, as a comparison to this. DOWNTON ABBEY has some advantages in that it was a successful tv show for several years, and a number of the characters have already been well established. Still, it’s not to say it couldn’t be done with no pre-established characters, but it’s asking a lot to fit the amount of information you have here in thirty pages or less. IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE handles its entire third act with it just being about George. All of the characters in the story that we’ve gotten to know have been developed to be background so that we can see what George brought to their lives. The main argument being debated throughout the third act is whether George’s life meant anything. It’s easier to analyze this film like its a courtroom drama to see its structure. We’re introduced to “the case” from the get-go. We know Clarence is going to be debating George Bailey for his soul (Clarence vs. George Bailey for whether George’s life is worthless). The next two acts are mounting evidence. We the jury-I mean audience-are given eye witness accounts and testimony. Then in the third act, the closing arguments are given in cinematic excellence, with Clarence winning the court battle, and George gaining important wisdom and freedom. Every story told is a debate on an idea, and many aren’t so on the nose in their structure as IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. Aside from the line “the purpose of life is to bring joy to others,” it’s difficult for me to tell what this story’s about. We have Peter grappling with PTSD, the loss of his business, and moral ramifications of kidnapping Saint Nick. Just looking at his story, we have a range of themes, but I’ll settle on the question “Should we handle our own problems, or ask others for help?” Then we have Mary’s story, where she’s managing the annual “It’s a Wonderful Life Festival,” while also saving Santa, helping her ex-husband cope, struggling with the decision to return to her ex or marry Joseph (a love triangle), learning to accept her sister, and finding a way to forgive her dad for moving on from mom so quickly, as well as putting out a literal fire. Her life appears as chaos incarnate. If I had to go with a theme that her story seems to be communicating, it’d be either “the more you try to manage other people’s lives, the less control you’ll have over your own,” or “Does the past have intrinsic value over the ‘new?’” It’s a totally different theme from Peter’s. I’ll refrain from analyzing the other characters in this way, because I think Peter and Mary carry the story’s theme, while the other characters are more like the characters in IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE: background, color, affirmations of ideas that our lead won’t say out loud. I think there’s a lot here that works in concept (the festival, kidnapping Santa) but I think the ending doesn’t pack the narrative punch it can because it’s trying to do too much. It’s like Mr. Miyagi taught in THE KARATE KID; the power of the punch comes from the whole body’s strength and speed channeled through the small point of the first two knuckles. The more that power is spread out, the less it achieves in the end. If you want to keep the theme “the purpose of life is to bring joy to others,” then start by removing all of the dialogue and look at how every character’s action drums this thematic point like the banging of a gong.

I hope I’m not being too critical, because I love what you’re doing here with this story. It has so much potential as a modern day IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, and I believe it’s going to become an amazing addition to the collection of holiday movies that we watch with our families.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

I’ll be more than happy to give some feedback! I’ll get right on that this evening!

Thank you so much for the awesome feedback! Yes, they get away on an escape ship. Nope, they don’t both die (I’m mean to my characters, but I’m an optimist at heart and thoroughly enjoy seeing them succeed). I get what you mean with Markus. He’s very complex, but maybe not in the best way he could be. He’s got a lot of influences being juggled from the episode “Pals” from OUR WORLD WAR and THE BOOK OF JONAH from the BIBLE. I’ll keep an open mind to any changes that may improve his arc. I appreciate all the love for Jude! She’s the only character that’s pretty much been unchanged going back to the first version of this story.

Thanks again, and I can’t wait to see your ending!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Here’s what I loved about your ending!

I love everything about your climax from how you’ve set it up. It’s brilliant. You’ve had fantastical horror movie monsters litter The Hunt for sixty minutes, and then you follow it up with something deeply personal to your protagonist. The father isn’t a mutation, or an exaggerated figure. He just is. I get that he’s essentially a manufactured copy of the original person, but I think it still works to showcase this intimate horror for Alicia, in a house of mirrors no less. And the friends coming to help her confront her past and the horrors she still lives with today is an amazing metaphor for what our friends and family help us do in our own lives.

I love the found family angle you’re playing with here. It feels like GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY meets THE HUNGER GAMES, and if you keep the major plot points original to this story, you’re working with a fun and engaging concept.

What I have questions about…

While I think the twist of the brother actually being her son is powerful and does change the context of the opening where she takes his place, I would still keep brainstorming this opening. It’s still so similar to THE HUNGER GAMES, that you’re asking a lot from the audience to buy into your original vision without comparing it to the novels or film series. By the time we get to the twist, the audience will have already made up their mind about your film 30 minutes prior. Maybe I’m mistaken though, and there’s a lot of detail I’m missing about how this opening is pulled off, on account of the Setup being limited to two paragraphs. I just don’t want to see your characters disregarded because of a couple plot points that draw comparisons to an already successful franchise.

There’s a lot here I love, but I’m also curious as to how the tone of this film works. On one hand, you have a found family angle, a happy ending, and I’m happy to see your story show how Alicia loves her son, in spite of the tragic origins. I think this angle is inspirational in showing it isn’t always how we start that determines how we live, love, and fight for each other. I genuinely love this backstory and how Alicia handles it. On the other hand, from reading your other scenes, each character is scarred (literally for some) by tragedy. I think these can work together beautifully, so long as the tone stays consistent. Either we stick with a comedic tone, as seen in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, which touches on these tragic backstories without allowing them to get in the way of the fun we’re having, or we stick with a grounded tone, letting the characters share their pain with us as we walk that mile in their shoes, side by side with them, all the way to where they overcome their past through having each other to bear the load. I think either one will work because that climax and resolution is crystal clear with what your story is trying to say.

I’m excited and can’t wait to read your script! This is the kind of theme I look for and believe in. Hope to read it soon!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hi Anna!

No problem at all! I’m glad I was able to get everything down to where it’s easy to explain.

I’m not going to lie, the sci-fi stuff is something I’m trying to keep as grounded as possible, but there may still be some hand waving explanation. To my knowledge, the limited series CHERNOBYL has been the only media for entertainment to go into deep, scientific detail on the process of converting nuclear fission into energy. This was naturally crucial to understanding exactly what went wrong and why we should be upset with the politics that allowed it to happen. If there’s a way to break down the theoretical science of terraforming in the way CHERNOBYL or THE MARTIAN handle their respective sciences, I’ll definitely give it my best shot.

This is going to be a R rated film. I’m sure there’re ways to shoot it to keep it PG-13 (like how A QUIET PLACE was filmed), but I’m not going to kid myself with the subject material being what it is.

We do get to see Isaiah escape the closet, and there’s a lot of setup to how Isaiah pulls this feat off. The scenes were we see Isaiah’s intelligence at work are some of my favorites.

I’ll say I’m still a little torn with the ending. On one hand, it’s MUCH more believable that Markus doesn’t really change anyone’s minds. On the other hand, a full revolt is more dramatic and potentially foreshadows events to come. I’m sure I’ll come up with something.

To your point on names, I’m glad you picked up on them. There is a specific reason for every name. I don’t exactly explain any of the names, though.

I’ve got my fingers crossed as well! I can’t wait to watch your series with my family!

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Absolutely! I’ll be sure to review your ending tomorrow morning!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Kate!

Here’s what I loved about your ending!

There are layers to this ending, and as a fan of Shakespeare, it’s a lot of fun. Similar to how Shakespeare often used plays within plays to inform the story, including OTHELLO in this script the same way Shakespeare would’ve used a play in his stories is just awesome. Very fitting.

What I have questions about…

Did Darrogh kill Nia’s mother? If so, what evidence do Nia and Luciana come across? Is it used to con Darrogh, or is it a separate plot? How is Darrogh conned? There are three con attempts before the story’s climax; do they all involve plays? It feels like there’s a lot going on in the end: the sting operation against Darrogh, the play to guilt Darrogh (just like we see in HAMLET), Nia’s confrontation of her father, Darrogh choosing to die rather than suffer embarrassment, mere moments from saying he’s not done fighting, Luciana promising to take care of Darrogh. And, I’m not sure if I get the final image. If I had to guess, it showcases Nia moving on from the past, the dream father, and setting her own path. If that’s it, there’s just so much going on and revealed at the end, it’s difficult to digest it all, especially when that final image is a bird’s eye view, rather than a close up of Nia looking ahead, with the town and people and mansion behind her, fading in the distance (See the ending to THE BATMAN as an example of this exact style of final image, and how close we are on Batman as he leaves one promise behind for another). This story just feels too intimate between the three main characters, Nia, Luciana, and Darrogh, and how all of their lives intersect and carry different meanings for each other, for it to conclude with a wide shot of nobody in particular. I’m sorry if I’m being unfair, and maybe I just need a bit more information or context to understand this final act. From what I can tell, you have two different plots and two different plays; one to trick Darrogh, and the other reveal the truth to him. I would aim to keep it that simple, and if possible have the two plots cross paths at the scene of the play for maximum impact. If it’s not doable, then the former concept of there being two plays still works really well.

I don’t know that Darrogh needs to kill himself or what message the story is trying tell us with it. I’m a big believer that when a main character dies, it means something; the story is trying to tell us something important as it relates to the theme. Again, I may just need some more context. It’s really hard to sum up all of the necessary information from 70-90 minutes of film that explain all of the payoffs present in the third act with just one to two paragraphs, as Hal’s instructed. I think it’s possible to do if you don’t have a complicated plot or world, and as you’re aware, I didn’t even bother with this limitation, as it wouldn’t be fair to anyone judging a third act without all of the necessary context with which to understand the choices a writer makes. Imagine trying to do this assignment for THE MATRIX, but telling the first and second acts of the film in two paragraphs. Would the ending make any sense?

You have amazing elements at play here. I really want to see this film. There’s so much potential and a lot to love about it from the shakespearean influences to the mythical nature of some of the characters (I’m reminded of similar beings in A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM).

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anna!

Here’s what I loved about your ending!

I think this is a great second act break, and since you’ve explained this is the second episode of a three part series, that makes a lot of sense. You’ve included a dark night of the soul moment where Sophie is at her lowest and questions whether she can or even is doing the right thing for these boys, which can work as a great setup for a third act (episode) finale.

I enjoyed the comparison between Sandy and Colin, and think the placement of these two dialogue exchanges works well, almost like poetry. They both start similarly with Sandy doubting the relationship and being called to do something great. But where the two deviate is the role Colin and Sandy play. Sandy is self absorbed and so insecure about change that he ridicules Sandy for her longing for adventure. Meanwhile, Colin is confident, an alpha male, and with that he reassures and supports Sandy, willing to join her on her adventure.

What I have questions about…

I’m curious to know what the actual conclusion to this series is. In addition, I’d like to know if there’s a way to establish a more resounding answer to the middle act question. What I mean to say is that when I think about trilogies, such as STAR WARS, there’s typically a question raised, and a powerful answer, regardless of the assumed continuation of the narrative. In THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, the question is whether Luke can go toe to toe with Vader. The movie answers that question with a definite “No, not yet,” and even worse, that Luke could become Vader if he’s not careful. In THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS, the question is brought up as to whether Frodo can handle the ring, or if he’ll become Smeagol. The film answers that question by establishing, “No, he can’t handle the ring alone. And that he’s already on his way to becoming the next Smeagol.” I get the sense that what PIRATE is trying to ask is whether Sophie in her old age can handle the monumental task laid out before her. The conclusion seems to answer this by saying she can’t without help, but as it’s written now it feels a little weak, like she just needed a temporary leave of absence and now is good to go. If we’re wanting to go with an up ending for this second part, then I imagine the finale will either end in tragedy or an even higher bar of success. If we’re wanting to go with a down ending, then the same logic would apply: ending in victory or an even lower point of failure. Either way, we need something more definitive for the second act conclusion, something that informs us or warns us about what this final act is going to be about.

I’m enjoying your story, and think it has a timeless feel with how the dogs both break us out of the monotony of our lives and drive us to be our best selves. The fact that they have superpowers takes advantage of the current market while the classic tone helps it feel fresh.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hi Kate!

I’ll be delighted to review your ending! Thank you for the encouraging notes!

I found out towards the end of the advanced dialogue module that I can get away with a lot of exposition so long as the scene is about the character relationships first. For example, Jude fills us in on a lot, but her exposition is more about connecting with Isaiah and giving him something he needs (someone to connect with him about his interests) than it is about characters “getting” that information out of her. So while the words on the page tell us necessary plot information, the scene itself tells us more about where Jude and Isaiah are as people and how they develop together. Same thing with Sully telling Isaiah a story about his mother. The scene is more about Sully no longer hiding his own hurt, but rather leaning into the positive memories he has of his wife as a source of comfort for Isaiah when he needs it the most. There’s also a good bit of tension and action surrounding the scene, which also helps cover up the fact that there is some exposition being offered.

Hopefully I can get this script produced first, but a sequel would be amazing!

I’ll get right to yours and Anna’s endings!

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

That’d be amazing Anna!

I’ll have my V.2 posted momentarily! Can’t wait to read your notes tomorrow!

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks for your detailed notes, Michael!

Taking it point by point like that makes it really easy to read. I love that you picked up on Sully having a hand in Beth’s death. I wanted to include more detail on that in the Setup, but felt the emphasis should be focused solely on Sully and Isaiah. I’ll definitely consider your notes on placing that moment that shows Sully’s changed in the Climax. I have a different exchange there instead, but you make a great point from a story structure standpoint. As to the note on Jude’s documents leading to something more definitive for The Hegemony in this script, I’ve seen that movie in SERENITY. Besides not wanting to copy the ending from that film, I did want to keep this chapter intimate. It’s about a father and son overcoming grief. The world they live in just happens to be huge. The reason WAR OF THE WORLDS can end the way it does is that it fits right along with its message on how small and insignificant we can be: powerless against both beings from another world and organisms too small for us to see. However, I can see where if I set up too much in the attempt of leaving you wanting more, that can cause problems as well (see BATMAN V. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE). You have some great ideas for a more conclusive ending, and I’ll be sure to brainstorm some quick logic maps to see how they could work.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you for the motivating notes Anita!

Pretty much had everything spot on, which tells me I did a decent job explaining the necessary stuff in the Setup. I will say Sully’s just a medical doctor among hundreds of colonists, and his main goal is extremely simple (get inside the bunker), which was kind of the point. I didn’t want a complex plot because I tend to get bogged down when there’s too much going on. When the bunker is no longer an option, the goal/plot shifts to another easy to identify finish line, saving Isaiah. It may be too simple, but it allows me to focus on what I really care about which is high concept action and character relationships. Anywho, I’ll be sure to better explain some of the points on Sully in a follow up post, as well has try to actually include some pages from the script.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Michael!

Here’s what I loved about your ending!

I love the visual comparison between the opening and the ending, where both example the concentration of the sun’s energy being a force of destruction. There’s a nice reversal there as well, where in the opening, Waldo incinerates an ant by accident and feels remorse, and in the final image, Waldo willfully sets the world ablaze and feels pride. The smile on the moon is a nice touch as well, particularly for a bond villain like the ones from MOONRAKER and GOLDFINGER.

I did enjoy those last two lines, and feel the whole weight of the story is leading to that self affirmation. It’s like watching a Steve Carrel type character (like from CRAZY STUPID LOVE or THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN or EVAN ALMIGHTY) go way to the extreme and see himself as a deity, carrying out divine wrath. Actually, I think if you were to write this part with Steve Carrel in mind, that may make this script soar to new heights.

What I have questions about…

I’m curious about Waldo’s trauma having “triggered in him a slow descent into megalomania.” This may just be a limitation in the information provided, due to trying to condense 70-90 minutes of film down to a couple of paragraphs. The way it reads here feels almost like a hand-wavy explanation, and I’d love to see a more concrete development. I’m sure you’ve researched this mental health condition to a far greater extant than I could in a quick google check. A change to the sentence structure may help better establish this development, such as writing “Therefore” or “But” to each shift in the plot, or whenever an action Waldo or another character takes visibly pushes him further and further. This also makes for a greater, classic irony in the story, where the people who’re are trying to stop Waldo are unintentionally sowing their own fate.

Typically the Crisis point is about the protagonist’s decision, rather than a supporting character, as difficult choices are effective at showing a character’s journey. We’ve seen this character make choices all throughout the story, so the Crisis decision reveals the lengths the protagonist has gone through to change and make the choice they wouldn’t have at the beginning of the story. Maybe it’s just the way it’s presented, but it reads as though Imelyna is given the difficult choice that represents her growth, while Waldo has already crossed that bridge earlier. If this is the case, I’d consider changing this up a bit, and give Waldo the choice between the woman he loves or his own ego. It may be a bit cliché, but it does better showcase his descent into megalomania. Waldo doesn’t need her help. He can save or destroy the world all on his own. He believes it, and as we see in the climax, he’s correct, which is what makes him the most dangerous man since Genghis Khan.

All in all, I do think you have an original take on the spy genre, with a character that has an amazing evolution from someone we can empathize with and feel sorry for, to someone whom we’re rooting for and cheering on in their victories, to screaming in horror for him to stop before it’s too late.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Michael!

I’d love to!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anita!

Here’s what I loved about your ending!

I love that you’re considering what is marketable about your script. While I think an open ended conclusion can make for a powerful ending if it’s set up right and is consistent with the thematic message of your story, I do think you’re right in trying to come up with a more conclusive ending, as it is something that is generally more satisfying, easier to pull off, and more marketable.

I like the angle that Danica needs a matching kidney, and that her daughter out of wedlock stands the best chance of giving her life. It’s potentially a beautiful reversal: Where Danica gave Harley life, Harley now gives her mother life.

I really enjoyed your descriptions and dialogue, particularly the “long red angry trail of stitches.” Describing the stitches as “angry” gave a phenomenal mental picture.

What I have questions about…

I’m going to try to stay away from political views, as a discussion on these issues is not what we’re going for. I’m going to stick with just the structure of your story and how it translates to your ending. Though I will say that Harley’s story is eerily similar to grandfather’s story: born out of wedlock to high class families, given birth and adopted in secret from the public, he knew he was adopted, he started a career in medicine, he learned who his real parents were through genetics and records. And I’ll admit that it was off-putting to have his story translated into something that felt like a pro-abortion version of IT FOLLOWS, particularly with Danica’s line “I should never have given you [a chance] to begin with.” That all said, I’m sure there’s some context I’m missing from Harley’s story as to why she’s emotionally damaged. I realize Hal requested we establish the “SETUP” in one to two paragraphs, and I do agree that that should be the goal. However, like with my story, if too short an explanation leaves too many questions or a confusion about what the ending means, it makes it much harder to give accurate feedback. On the other hand, since we’re also considering the marketability of your script, if there’re too many storylines and plot details to keep up with in fewer than 120 pages, then it may be a good idea to lean out your story to its most critical details for that consistent theme. From what I’m looking at, your story revolves around the lives of Harley and Danica, a mother and daughter that never know each other, and the fallout of Danica’s decision to give birth instead of aborting her child. There’s amazing potential for mirroring, conflict, redemption, and found treasure, especially with the reversal plot point described above where once her daughter needed her, and now Danica needs her daughter; a real tearjerker of a film, similar to the tv show, THIS IS US. Yet, if your intent is to have an ending like the one you’ve shown, I’d build in a thriller/horror movie plot. Build in a story where Danica advocates for abortion, with Harley watching this from a distance, knowing she is her daughter. Let that tension build resentment in Harley, by showing the stronger Danica fights for pro-choice and legal abortion, the more Harley’s innate dark side manifests, starting small with cats, before progressing to other foster kids, to eventually adults. Have Cyrus be a DA or something involved with the police as they try to catch this killer (Harley) who’s stalking Danica. Let Danica’s line come in the second act break, as Harley gets caught. Then the third act is Harley escaping and trapping her mother. Danica has to confront the daughter she estranged. She has to face down someone she spent her whole life politically advocating to have killed before she was ever born. If Danica survives and defeats her daughter, she inevitably walks away changed from her experience. There’s an irony built in with that plot-line and the character motivations and themes are consistent. This is your story, and by no means am I saying that you should write the exact story I’ve outlined above. I’m just using an example of how you can use mirroring to build in a structure that is coherently consistent and nuanced, so that you aren’t left with an ending that feels like having the rug pulled out from under you and is either potentially praised or deeply offensive, and nobody is left in the middle talking about it.

I’m sorry if this is a lot. I think you have an amazing and original concept, and want to see it be the best it can be. You have a great talent for this, and I know this story can be powerful to a lot of people.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anita!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks for the amazing review, Dana!

Somehow it never occurred to me that the expression of “get the flock out of here” was already used in another movie. That’s lazy on my part to not even look it up, but it’s a valuable lesson learned. Great point on the bat cave description. I’ll come up with something less confusing. I’ve used those types of nail guns before, but maybe something’s changed with the safety on them. I’ll be sure to double check. Thanks for letting me know which lines were confusing; they’re definitely in need of a rewrite.

I can’t thank you or anyone enough for the time you took reading the entire arc! I know it’s a lot and everyone has very busy schedules. I’m so appreciative of the complete insight you’ve given me.

Best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dana!

Here’s what I loved about your scene!

The setup and the interaction Dr. Ellen has with the multiple personalities automatically makes this one of the strongest concepts in our group, let alone making it a contained story with much of the interaction held in a studio.

Each character has a unique voice, which makes it easy to just read the lines and not get lost with who’s saying what. Ellen’s desperation combined with her resolve makes the scene a target for any actress, and the differences between William and Ryan similarly make this analogous to the character from SPLIT that drew James McAvoy.

What I have questions about…

“Search your feelings. You know it’s true.” Ellen Vader?

In all seriousness, I understand you’re planning to intercut the police dialogue and SWAT response into the scene, but I think you’re smart for trying to write this as a continuous scene as well, so that the intercuts don’t become a crutch or hide potential issues with the scene. I do agree with Anita that there’s some redundancy with the lines, and it keeps this from having the power this scene deserves. The setting itself already makes this scene hit like Mack truck. I think if you take some of the lines that feel like they repeat, and write a different variation based on different coverups or subtext pointers, you’ll have a library of options that may also help drive us through the emotional peaks and valleys. That’s not to say any repetition is bad. I think if you use it like a metronome or a jazz drummer, repetition can translate to faster tempo. For most of this scene, the lines can move and flow depending on who’s winning, until the very end where you can use repetition to give a feeling of rapid drumming, culminating into the final BANG!

The exchanges between William and Ellen give me pause. I’m not sure of what to make of them. On one hand, William seems to want to live (“Why are you doing this to me”), but Ellen is pushing him to seek suicide because she knows he’s suicidal. On another hand, Ellen isn’t tricking him. She’s basically asking him to choose between his life or her daughter’s. I’m conflicted, which is probably the intention. I wonder if having a better understanding of William’s motivations might help. The conflict between William and Ryan feels similar to the final battle between the Narrator and Tyler Durden in FIGHT CLUB. In that film, the Narrator isn’t trying to kill himself so much as he’s trying to kill Tyler. What if William’s motivation could be something similar. Why is William suicidal? Does he find life or himself meaningless? Does Ellen shift the treatment of William’s depression to arguing he’s incurable, to arguing he should commit suicide, to arguing that killing Ryan would allow him to die with meaning? I’m just spitballing because I honestly feel so bad for William in this initial version. He just feels like a poor innocent soul who’s taken advantage of by both the antagonist and protagonist. If that’s your goal, then keep at it.

These are just some ideas that may give some additional dimension to his incredible scene. Please use only what helps you achieve your vision for this story.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dana!

Want to exchange feedback? I just posted my V.3 somewhere around post 25.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

Here’s what I loved about your scene!

The way Roy talks is still one of the highlights of your script; exceptionally unique.

Kim playing along is a cute support role, both challenging him at times and by self deprecating she also indirectly demands Roy to look after somebody other than himself.

What I have questions about…

What leads Suzy and Marilyn to trust Kim and invite her into Marilyn’s home? I get the dogs, but Kim is a bit more of a stranger than Marilyn’s next door neighbor, isn’t she? Maybe there’s some additional context I’m missing, like some additional scenes where Kim finds out earlier in the story that she had a role in Marilyn’s broken hip, and seeks out Marilyn and Suzy to act as a secret guardian angel to them as penance, leading Marilyn and Suzy to uncover Kim as the one who’s been helping them, and then that leads them to ask Kim to watch over the pets and have a place to stay? I don’t know, I just kind of get the feeling that Suzy and Marilyn would let in Michael Myers to watch the dogs with the way it’s currently written.

Roy’s line: “Med EEEEVAC. Treated like a king by a couple of hotsie totsie nurses. EX-CEPTION-AL firewater and PO-tent chemicals.” followed by Kim’s line: “I’m sorry.” I’m missing something. Roy earned a Metal of Honor by acting as live bait, so that his unit could wipe out a machine gun nest that had a lock on them. I think I got that right. And, Roy feels guilty because he was instrumental in helping his unit kill people who were moments away from killing him and his unit? Did I get that right? And because he was shot, he got royal treatment and a ticket out of jungle hell, while his unit had to stay behind and continue fighting in what was at the time a corrupt and broken military system against determined guerrillas? I think I got it, but it took some time to break it down. If I didn’t get it right, my bad. Either way, Roy could afford to be less subtle or cryptic about it. The fact that he speaks so normally and serious about it adds a layer of meaning and power to this scene.

Thanks again for your feedback, and best regards!

Cam

P.S. If Roy’s experience is simpler, and he just feels remorse over the death of Vietnamese fighters, then I’d make something more clear about who the fighters were. I think a lot of people wouldn’t understand Roy’s interpretation of his experience if he felt mind breaking distress over helping his unit kill able bodied guerrilla fighters. But, if instead his actions directly resulted in the killing of children that were enlisted to fight, or if they thought it was a group of guerrillas but was actually a group of Southern Vietnamese prisoners, I believe that would resonate and we’d empathize better with Roy’s handling of his guilt. Just throwing out ideas because I want to understand what caused Roy this level of distress.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Here’s what I loved about your scene!

This is delightfully adorable. The NORAD agents acting like little kids in Santa’s presence is a money shot moment, and makes this scene. “We have to follow laws, when it comes to Santa Claus” is instantly quotable.

“Come on. I’ll buy you a beer at Martini’s” is another great line. Dash and Donna are amazing, and I want to see them on future adventures.

I know I gushed over Dash and Donna, but the dialogue for the other characters works really well also. Mary’s desperation and negotiating contrasts well with Peter’s loss of hope, which sets the stage perfectly for Santa coming in to lift Peter up and give him a second chance. The four different dimensions these characters are operating from is a great structure to work with, and makes for an easy to follow scene filled with conflict.

What I have questions about…

I know this isn’t dialogue related, but the film ending on a cliffhanger involving a missing child seems like a major tonal shift from the optimistic, hopeful exchange that preceded it, especially when it’s one of those tragedies that can break a family. In IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, the film’s theme is expressed through the action of everyone who George helped coming together to give back to him in his time of need. It’s an expression of the film’s theme on Karma and the value a person’s life has on those around him/her. As far as this film’s theme is concerned, as expressed through the line “The purpose of our lives is to bring joy to others,” is there a way that can be expressed through Mary and Peter’s actions? Mary seems to express it by becoming Santa, even if only temporary. I wonder if there’s a way for Peter to better express this theme? One idea is a reversal of the way IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE ends: where George was relieved from facing the consequences of his uncle’s incompetence, Peter could still be taken into custody, whether by NORAD or Santa, and choose to use that as an opportunity to bring joy to others in spite of his circumstances. If that’s too much, Peter can be shown going to the questioning, but bringing donuts and coffee and making the agents laugh (bringing them joy), or donning his own Santa costume for his kids on Christmas day, showing he’s taken Santa’s words to heart. I think something along those lines may better serve the theme and tone this story seems to be going for.

I want to thank you again for your awesome feedback. I think your story has amazing potential to be a holiday classic, especially if you lean into the IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE inspiration and play with its structure and themes to find ways your script dances with the film it’s based its setting on.

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Thank you so much for the encouraging feedback! I used a couple of different dialogue structures at various times, whether Isaiah is having a different conversation from everyone else in the room, or how Jude is almost entirely metaphorical. Sully’s dialogue is the one I’ve struggled with the most, and I found a lot of it had to do with what situations I was putting him in. I almost default him in the most stressful situations, and find he just turns into the biggest asshole when too stressed out. Still working out the balance of keeping him active while having some moments to settle down and decompress in order to have those moments where he can be a more dynamic character.

Thanks again for letting me know what works for you, and where I need to improve!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Thank you for your feedback! You’re not the first person I left confused by my vague blocking and descriptions, or by setups (Isaiah reminding Jude of someone) that weren’t paid off effectively. I like Isaiah’s line “You’ll never take me alive” because of how on the nose/cliche it is, and how he’s saying it to his dad, but if it isn’t working for half of the readers, I may have to change it. I’ll be sure to correct all of these issues in my next rewrite.

Looking forward to reviewing your scene! Thanks again for your feedback and helping me to be a better writer!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

A lot of great questions, and I’ll definitely try to answer them better. The worms are kind of a cross between cordyceps fungi and horsehair worms (two real life parasites that zombify their hosts). Adult worms are essentially predatory snails that use their hosts (the colonists) as their shell. The lifecycle is similarly complicated like the xenomorph is, but that’s no excuse if a reader is left confused rather than engaged to learn more. The reason the paint thinner acts as a shield is because some thinners/removers are highly alkaline in nature, which the worms are very sensitive to (similar to salt on snails). Anything that is highly basic (bleach, sodium hydroxide, etc.) would deter the worms, and Isaiah has learned this through his own experiments. A lot of this is explained through the action in the story, but Isaiah could do a better job informing us on what he’s doing and why (hopefully without it devolving into exposition like I just did).

Similarly, those are some great questions as to what certain character’s motivations are, what dots they connect, what the blocking of certain scenes is, and I should do a better job of making those clearer.

I’ll get right to reviewing your scene! Thanks for the awesome feedback, and I can’t wait to spend time rewriting my scenes!

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Here’s what I loved about your scene!

While I personally can’t stand either of these two characters because of how self righteous they both are, I think the dynamic between the two is brilliant. I know I’ve said this before in a previous feedback exchange, but I love how similar these two are to each other, even though they come from different backgrounds and worldviews. Kristen is clearly someone who’s been kept in a bubble her whole life (at least as far we understand at this point in the story), while Jocelyn is someone who thinks she has it all figured out already. This of course leads to your fun, quippy dialogue where Jocelyn tries to strike down the weird kid for following her, and Kristen just retorts with convenient concepts she’s been brought up on, like water on a ducks back. Speaking of which…

Kristen’s social skills and ability to connect with anyone outside of her church are just the worst, and I’m all here for it. Like I said, even if Jocelyn’s straw-man arguments against Christianity or Kristen’s child-like entitlement that comes from her understanding of the faith drive me nuts, the fact that you have these two people forced to work together leads to amazing, dramatic exchanges between the two. You’re just waiting for one of them to crack, whether Kristen loses her faith, or Jocelyn adopts a self-sacrificing attitude. It’s the equivalent of a rubber band being pulled to its limits, and you achieve it through the dialogue of both characters.

What I have questions about…

Kristen’s response “No, I’m a Christian” to Jocelyn’s insult “Are you like brain dead or something” feels a little weird. I don’t know if someone’s responded with that counter argument before, but it almost feels like Kristen’s answering to being called brain dead, which runs the risk of the audience assuming that that’s how the writer perceives Christians. Don’t know if that’s your personal viewpoint or not, but I do think Kristen would be smart enough to not answer to “brain dead” with “Christian,” as though she agrees that the two could be misconstrued. I could see Kristen making the argument “GOD doesn’t make brain dead people. Doctors do.” That still gets your point across that Kristen is sheltered beyond belief in a tiny bubble, which could lead to Jocelyn turning Kristen’s words back on her, “Well, your god must’ve not gotten the memo when you were born.” The scene continues the same way, nothing structurally changes, but both characters come out sounding smarter and more original.

I do wonder if Jocelyn is too vulgar. I mean, I like parts of her dialogue, and the “Teen Vogue” lines are just awesome. But in other lines of hers she seems to go overboard. That may be a fundamental part of her character, where she doesn’t edit her response, but just keeps firing until her target walks away. It just makes her so unlikable, almost to the point where I shut off and don’t want to relate to her. That may just be me, though, and I think I could get past it if you include something every so often that reminds us she’s human and not a Twitter bot. Otherwise, if her core character trait is Witty, I’d go through each insult and come up with as many variations of each line as you can, until you find the one that best matches her character and leads us to say, “That was brutal, but man was it creative.” Where Kristen is this little lamb, reciting Sunday school lessons, Jocelyn can have an assassin’s dagger for a tongue, delivering killing blows with her words, which just adds to the engaging conflict when her most devastating weapon doesn’t work on someone so devout and sheltered as Kristen.

Those are just my thoughts. I still think you’re onto something with a relationship unlike anything we’ve seen before, and can carry so much thematic meaning.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Want to exchange feedback? My V.2 is listed just under my initial post.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

Sorry for the late response.

Thank you for the awesome feedback! Had no idea you were a Script Reader, and I’m so grateful for the tips regarding shortening my descriptions. I’m flattered by your assertion that I can do better with such lines as “shoots fire from his eyes,” and am eager to rise to your challenge.

Here’s what I loved about your scene!

I love the use of quoting scripture to compare the two men. Between that and similar, mimicking dialogue, there’s a clear mirror that’s established to perfection, even if Lincoln doesn’t like what he sees in his reflection with Clay.

There’s an interesting dynamic between the two, where Clay has sold his soul to this cause, and is willing to gamble it. It’s the dark side of a “Means justify the Ends” philosophy, and as a proponent of Kantian ethics, it’s deeply disturbing and terrifying to read. Meanwhile, Lincoln is the one willing to ask questions. He might be trying to lead Clay with questioning, but it’s still unique from Clay’s testaments. From this, it appears Lincoln is willing to change, or at the very least believes other people are capable of change, but Clay is an absolutist. There’s an interesting potential for a thematic argument there, where both lines of thinking can still ultimately translate to the same outcome or the same human being. The main issue with that (as I’ll get into below) is with Clay being a Sith lord (“Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”), it’s currently driving a point that Lincoln is acting in self defense, rather than Lincoln dealing in preemptive action.

What I have questions about…

When both Lincoln and Clay declare they’re going to kill each other right after Lincoln already had a gun on him, I just don’t buy it. Clay’s proven that his intention is to kill, and he’s willing to do it. Lincoln had his chance, chose not to, and that one line “I will kill you!” feels more like a retread than a forward progress of the plot, because it follows up his hesitation so quickly. I’m not suggesting such a jarring turn of emotions can’t happen in real life, but what I think you’re going for is Lincoln starting the scene hesitant, and ending the scene convicted, which can be a buildup rather than a quick switch. What if you were to switch up the structure a bit, and place that moment where Lincoln hesitates at the beginning of the scene; Lincoln gets the first chance to shoot, but doesn’t, while Clay takes his shot the first chance he gets? Though, you do risk setting it up as Lincoln acting more in self defense (externally motivated) than blind hatred (internally motivated), which may or may not compromise the thematic point you’re going for. Still, it’s a small step toward getting the rhythm of the action to a point that takes the audience on that emotional journey.

As a thought, because it appears your thematic point rests on both men being a reflection of each other, what if this scene came earlier in your script? I’m not talking about the gun fight or the setting with the shimmers; that’s beautiful, cinematic and should be at the end. I mean Lincoln seemingly trying to convince Clay to turn. With Clay sacrificing everything for this cause rooted in self engrandizing absolutism and hatred, what if the story were to show how that mentality can infect others like a disease, resulting in Lincoln becoming Clay with the mindset of “If I don’t kill THEM first, then THEY will kill me.” Just as Clay sacrifices his family and soul in an effort to rise to power, Lincoln’s journey could be similar, where he sacrifices his convictions and beliefs that may echo Martin Luther King, Jr.’s speeches, and become a ruthless killer of anyone who MIGHT be racist. This is just a suggestion and by all means you should ignore it if it doesn’t help you succeed in your vision for this story. It might be my Asperger’s kicking in where I need very clear setups and payoffs to understand what a story’s going for.

Beyond that, the dialogue was engaging with anticipatory effect, and carried a thought provoking debate between the two men and how they interpret meaning in life and language. I was getting flashbacks to similar scenes from THE DARK KNIGHT, THE PRINCE OF EGYPT and THE BOOK OF ELI, and I’m a sucker for this kind of philosophical arguing between two people.

Thanks again and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Absolutely Dev!

I have my V.2 attached below my original post. I’ll get to yours later tonight!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anna!

I’m over the moon that you reviewed the entire arc, and am a bit embarrassed that I missed some clear typos. I do agree that several of the lines are still a bit contrived, and am looking forward to fixing those so that the characters feel more believable and easier to read. Thank you for pointing out where there was some confusion. I’m grateful for the chance you’ve given me to clarify what’s going on.

Here’s what I loved about your scene!

I like how the scene begins and ends with “It’s not you, it’s me.” While I think most people, even the most socially unaware ones, would be familiar with the expression and its meaning, the circular dialogue structure does give this scene a satisfying and resounding impact (the relationship is no more)…

Especially as it relates to both Sandy and Sophie carrying on different conversations: Sandy wants his normal routine back, while Sophie wants life and adventure. Both characters represent different desires (security vs. freedom) and the dog is used as a wonderful bridge/metaphor between these two contradictory elements.

What I have questions about…

Is there a way to make Sophie’s and Sandy’s vocabulary more unique? Obviously I went to a bit of an extreme with my sample, and I don’t think this story warrants anything like that. Other than the opinions regarding the dog, though, both characters speak very similarly, despite having very different world views. Sandy is obviously a stick in the mud, unwilling to compromise the steadfast predictability of his day to day life, while Sophie sees Pirate as a chance to experience something new. Is there a way to present that security vs freedom theme more strongly in the way the characters speak, the word choices they use, or common expressions?

I’m unfamiliar with British television, but I wonder if there’s an opportunity to inject some irony using Sandy’s obsessing with a particular show. A lot of times, people are drawn to the movies to live vicariously through someone they wish they could be, or live a life they wished they had. What if that was another difference between Sandy and Sophie: Sophie’s not obsessed with a show because she has an opportunity to live the adventure she wants, and while Sandy has that same opportunity, he’s too scared of change to live freely. I’m not sure about the other scenes in this story, but what if Sandy quotes from his favorite show all the time prior to this scene, but when Sophie presents a “call to adventure” by using the same quotes Sandy took from his favorite show, he turns it down, revealing his true character? It’s just a thought, and if you have reasons for the way Sophie and Sandy engage each other, I’d trust your intentions.

Thanks again for your awesome feedback!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anna!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Wow Scott! Thank you for the glowing remarks!

I went out of order for the sake of having an efficient and economical teaser. It may be a trope, but it’s effective at starting off the first few pages with a bang.

I grew up watching MYTHBUSTERS, so that may be one of the inspirations for the Rube Goldberg Machine. I’ll be sure to provide an explanation. Essentially, it’s a complicated machine that uses basic mechanics to achieve a laughably simple goal. It’s place in the story is just as a setup for how smart Isaiah is and justifies the skills he uses to escape from the closet Sully locks him in. Highly recommend looking up Rube Goldberg Machines online for a fun demonstration. There’re several videos to choose from.

As for the number of eggs, there’s not a definite number. It’s a similar situation to fire ants in the southern United States (they’re an invasive species without their natural predator). Because the predator that kept the alien population in check was wiped out with terraforming, the number of “eggs” pretty much explodes at an exponential rate.

Sully and Isaiah are wearing homemade ventilation suits during the scenes where they go outside the colony, similar to the final act of 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE. I’ll make sure that’s not lost on the reader.

I love the ending because of how it plays off that ending from ALIEN and ALIENS, while raising the stakes by rewarding the main characters for their survival with tasking the with a goal of inciting a revolution – effectively a much higher bar and more interesting villain to threaten them. Glad to see someone else enjoying it as well.

This whole concept honestly started as a joke, and it took about four or five reworks (changing characters, missions, goals, and major act points) of it to develop it into this version.

Thanks agains for the awesome review! I’m looking forward to seeing your revised outline!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Kate!

Thank you so much for the kind words and the awesome notes. I’ll be sure to play with that scene some more. Expository dialogue is something I still struggle with, but I’m glad to hear some parts of it are working. Isaiah being a truth teller makes all the sense in the world, because as someone who grew up with Asperger’s, lying and using subtext in conversation never made a lick of sense to me as a kid, especially when you can just say what you’re thinking (I still can’t lie very well, even for a surprise birthday part for my wife). Maybe I’ll have to use that lie-detector trait of his more in these conversations. Hmmmm…

Anyway! Here’s what I loved about your scene!

Luciana has such presence, I can’t imagine an actress not wanting the role. She reminds me of some of the angels in the Bible, and that otherworldliness she exhibits sets a tone for the conflict between the old, ancient ways of the Maya and Aztec speaking through Luciana with the new, progressive wealth of a businessman attempting to possess her/their land. It gives the story a biblical feel underneath the modern text and actions, which makes for the fun subtext you’ve written.

I like Nia in this scene. It would be all too easy to fall into the trap of a character just asking questions on behalf of the audience, and having no other real intention in the scene. But Nia won’t rest at just asking a bunch of questions. She’s new and this is a relationship she wants. She has her own secrets and is cagey in all the right topics that would lead us to connect these two characters. I love when she says “I like you! I think we’ll be friends!” Even though it’s a little on the surface, there’s an earnestness there, along with what feels like a plea, like Luciana is a part of her past that she’s curious to uncover.

What I have questions about…

I don’t have a lot of questions concerning the subtext, at least as far as I understand the scene: “Luciana makes Nia think of a mother she either never had or has lost, which makes Nia want to connect with Luciana and a part of herself long forgotten. Meanwhile, Luciana has plans for the girl who’s all grown up from when she first met her.” If that’s not what the scene is about, then I’ve missed a whole lot and have a whole host of other questions. Otherwise, this scene is solid, and in context with the rest of your story, it makes structural sense to have Nia be somewhat passive in this scene as a contrast to the woman she will become by the end of the story (Again, very similar to many of the characters in the Bible who started off passive, only to enact great change by the end of the story).

I will say some of the action description threw me off a bit, such as “Nia looks at her sharply.” The word “Sharply” can mean a number of things, like “Nia threw daggers with her eyes,” or “Nia morphs her face into something like a stone carving, unmoved and unamused.” Both give us completely different ways to read Nia’s intentions and where her head’s at, which can help us to better identify the subtext being used. As a general rule, if you treat adverbs like toll roads or trips to the DMV, and instead prioritize specific nouns, verbs, and literary techniques (metaphors, hyperbole, onomatopoeia, etc.) your intent will rarely be misjudged and your writing will look 1,000% better, even if you change nothing else with your dialogue or story structure.

I really like where this story’s going and its potential. I have a soft spot for these kinds of narratives where someone who feels so small grows into someone who leads the charge to make the biggest impact.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Scott!

Here’s what I loved!

I love that a main character is connected to the horror, and that she’s not just a victim to it. It unlocks all kinds of possibilities from a thematic and narrative sense, such as Shwin (the descendent) having to be the one to reconcile the ghosts (her ancestors). It has the potential to lean into a common theme where we alone have to be the ones to calm or recontextualize the past into something positive or constructive, rather than using it as a force of destruction against others for the pursuit of power, as we see the cult members do.

I’ll have questions about it, but I do like the angle of the cult leaders calling the shots, or leaving the very people who could oppose them too afraid to retaliate. It seems unbelievable at first, but it reflects the way real life works sometimes, and can be a haunting reflection to that reality. In addition, the way the cult members appropriate the burial ground for their own horrible means feels timely and a wonderful warning on what these types of people can achieve if we don’t keep them in check through honoring and knowing the stories of those who’ve passed.

What I have questions about…

Like I said before, I do have questions about the motives for why Father Bob or the sheriff wait so late to respond in the way we see them later in the script. For sure, one part of that is how terrible and violent everything becomes. But I would love to see more: How did the cult acquire the sheriff’s family as collateral? What history do the cult and Father Bob share? Is it just Piper and Clen, or is this cult spreading like a virus through the community? Answers to some of these questions would go a long way for me to suspend my disbelief, and earn a huge amount of return in the theme department. Speaking of which, on the surface it appears the theme relates to how the cult members take advantage of a marginalized group of the past for their own personal advancement, while the actual descendent of that group is the one that frees them. Again, amazing potential for a message there. You have an opportunity to apply that same theme to Father Bob and the sheriff, along with several other minor characters, in subtle ways as well. Hell, the way the two characters could die horribly may be used to connect to the story’s theme, rather than the way it is now where structurally they feel like more of a means to an end.

What are the specific abilities of the monsters (both the cultists and the ghosts), and is there a way to ramp them up more throughout the story. It feels at one point we go from slowly revealing the monsters all the way to total apocalypse in just a few scenes. Is there a way the ghosts kill that links them to the original natives, of are they a projection of the way Piper and Clen think about killing? What are the rules and how can they drive the story and themes in new and interesting directions? Lastly, on that total apocalypse we get. I’m assuming this is taking place in modern day where everyone and their dog has a cell phone with a camera on it, as well as a social media account. When does the government catch wind of this and send in the National Guard? It’s a serious question, because that option opens the door for your story to stand out amongst the other ghost stories that are 100% contained with no national or international ramifications. How would the military respond to a paranormal national threat? What horrific events could happen if Piper and Clen planned on the military getting involved, and used them to their advantage to wreak havoc on the community they’re sworn to defend? Going too big could derail what’s already excellent about your outline, so exploring these possibilities with the Shwin, the cultists, and your working theme grounding them could help to explore some untraveled roads in a way that is still structurally coherent.

These really are just questions more than they are critiques. You’ve got something solid here, and I’m hoping my asking these questions serves as creative inspiration to elevate an already promising outline.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Scott!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Marc!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

Here’s what I loved!

This is a clearly powerful scene, both in its execution as well as it’s intent within the greater structure of your script, as an affirmation that the Clay we started with has taken a turn that he can’t come back from. He’s metamorphosing into a force of nature by cutting ties with the people who would’ve loved him unconditionally, and it serves as warning that power comes at a grave cost.

Emmy’s desperation combined with Clay’s cold demeanor is why this scene works so well. It’s an onscreen dichotomy for both actors to portray and it’s clear where the mindsets and stakes are between both characters. Emmy is willing to say and do anything to have her mother and father back (maybe more so her mother from the way the dialogue reads), while Clay is still processing the actions he’s taken and the road he’s on. He’s almost beyond redemption, but here is his daughter, one last ledge to grip onto before falling, and he rejects her in favor of power for power’s sake.

I also enjoyed the buildup through the action text. It’s simple, short, but adds a weight and expectation to each follow up. Efficient writing.

What I have questions about…

As far as subtext goes, I don’t really have a whole lot of questions pertaining to this scene. I think you wrote exactly what you intended to, and pulled it off effectively. What I am curious about is whether Clay’s decent into darkness will be too difficult to read. That’s not necessarily a bad thing or a critique. I look at the movie NIGHTCRAWLER and what an antihero such as Lou is able to communicate to an audience that your average hero can’t. Protagonists in this camp serve less as something for us to aspire to, and more as a reflection of who we can be if we allow our ambitions to succeed our love and empathy for others. I think Clay’s line “She didn’t believe in me” hits it home and ensures we as the reader know the reason why. It’s a universal fear that we’re not believed it or worthy of love, and that one line grounds Clay’s actions and holds up a mirror to us to observe what can happen to us if we allow our pride to overtake our humility and compassion.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much Dev!

I’m so sorry for the confusion! Yeah, I think subtext is one of those concepts that lends itself to a number of different interpretations and styles. I think I lean into more bombastic styles and concepts generally, which makes for moments that are more about revelations than concealments, and that makes for scenes that aren’t structurally subtextual in a character sense, but the setup and dialogue may use elements of the techniques described in the last few lessons. Not sure, but that may be why I’ve gotten a few notes that say I didn’t use subtext according to what the lesson required.

That all said, thank you again for your helpful feedback! I’ll be sure to read your scene ASAP!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Sweet! I posted a V.3 just a bit ago (I’ve been including different scenes since I keep getting the note that the posted scene didn’t meet the subtext standards of this module). I remember the V.2 was included in one of the previous feedback exchanges. The V.3 should be listed at a reply to the V.2 shown above.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Thanks for the feedback! I’m not sure if this is a failure on my part to understand the requirements of the assignment or a difference in style that limits my writing overall. I’ve prioritized Setup/Payoff structure and combining it with fast paced plot points to such a degree, going slow feels like telling the speed metal band DragonForce to pay an Enya track with 100% earnestness in 3/4 time signature. Let me try reworking and adding a scene that doesn’t rely on a reveal, and I’ll continue studying subtext in a way that better aligns with the intent of this module.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks for the motivating notes, Lisa! I love hearing parts of my script are working as intended. Markus and Apollo aren’t brothers, so maybe the analogy Markus uses isn’t the best fit. I went with a parable that prioritized brevity, as I imagine that’s what Markus would do. BUT, if it leads to confusion or unnecessary questions on the reader’s part, I’ll be sure to rework it or find something better for the scene.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

What I loved!

There are some genuinely great moments in this. The allusion to the plot points of IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE as subtext for where Peter and Mary are now in their relationship works so well. It’s not overplayed to the point where the audience is groaning, “We get it. It’s the same city,” but the characters are self-aware enough for it to make sense and be fun and playful. It’d be all too easy to lean into meta-storytelling, but you avoid that trap with grace, fulfilling the concept’s promise, while keeping the story focused on what matters to the narrative between these two people.

I think the dialogue feels natural and unique for each character. I kind of got lost keeping track of who Tilly was in comparison to her sisters, Mary (obviously the oldest sister with all the sense of responsibility) and Violet (I’m assuming the youngest sister for her tendency to stir the pot or find trouble), but maybe that’s to be expected of the middle child. She feels like someone who’s trying to bridge the gap between everyone, a perennial peacemaker. If that’s the case, I enjoyed the dynamic between everyone, and the natural conflicts that arose between each character, with Tilly caught in the middle, just trying her best to make everyone happy. It’s an incredibly relatable picture of a family during the holiday season, and that empathy, combined with the subtext is ripe for audience engagement.

What I have questions about…

While Harry bringing two dates to the dance injects a ton of conflict and potential for subtext into the scene…damn, only three months since his wife died? Maybe it’s just me and where I grew up, but boy did I hate Harry’s guts after hearing that and assume the worst of him after every line of dialogue seemed to indicate he’d completely moved on from his deceased wife. I’m not sure if that was your intent, and I’m curious to know if there’s a future scene with Harry where more of this is explored and connects to the story’s themes. I remember when my grandfather on my mom’s side remarried fairly quickly, but most of it was due to his intense anxiety of being alone for the first time since he was 20 years old. It could be a powerful reversal to see he’s actually faking this as a way to hide his pain of loss, even from himself. I’m sorry if that’s not what your going for, and this has been an otherwise useless tangent on my part. I just felt when reading this that Mary is so justified in her feelings that we risked the audience’s engagement and having them ask what they would do or think in a similar situation. Again though, maybe where I grew up and my own experiences are putting up blinders to what’s been your experience.

Similarly, Mary being okay with her ex husband dating her sister felt like watching an episode of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, where periodically a character will accurately tell Ted and Robin that it’s weird for them to have dated and still be close friends, or for them to be so comfortable to see their respective ex with another partner (it comes up often and Ted and Robin just shrug it off somehow). But unlike in a HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER episode, nobody brings it up! It’s like it’s perfectly normal to date your ex wife’s sister, and for your ex to have no complaints about it. I could buy Tilly not wanting Peter to feel left out or lonely, and therefore going with him to the dance for emotional support. I could see Mary being somewhat comfortable with that on account that she and her ex husband are still on speaking terms and have a good relationship, in spite of their history. But that description “boyfriend” leads me to believe Mary is required to be the most complicated character in this script where she can seem complacent with her ex dating her sister but unaccepting of her father dating women younger than she is. And if that’s the case, then you have an intriguing character study on your hands. The only issue with that is we have Santa Claus in the story, and I’m not sure how the Hallmark Channel magic balances with the grit and deconstruction of an emotionally complex character. Combining two differing genres can work (Romance+Horror=WARM BODIES). LADY BIRD combined with ELF could work as well here, depending on what the story prioritizes as its selling point. Again, I apologize for the tangent if this isn’t your intent. You have some great dialogue and a fantastic set piece to center our attention on each character’s relationships with each other. It really is just a couple of descriptions that lead me to ask a bunch of questions to know what else could be happening under the surface. If all of those questions are answered in a satisfying way, it’ll make this script soar with people wanting to read it and reread it over and over again because you’ll discover something new with each subsequent read.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

Sorry for the late reply! I did get your notes and have been letting them marinate. I agree that the situation and structure of the scene is more or less moving forward, and doesn’t try to cover up too much beyond the characters and what they are either accepting or hiding from themselves, as opposed to concealing from each other. Looking at this assignment from a scene structure standpoint, where the scene itself displays subtext by showing something other than what’s actually going on beneath the surface, I may have to consider an earlier point in this story where something like that may occur, and do a rewrite of that scene. I’ll get to working on that tomorrow.

Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so glad you enjoyed the scene for what it was, even though it didn’t satisfy the terms of the assignment. It’s still really motivating to hear my scenes are accomplishing exactly what they were intended to.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

Here’s what I loved!

I love the build up between Kim and Roy when the song starts. I think it’s telling how the song affects him, and we get the sense that it unlocks a part of him from his soldiering days that he desperately wanted locked away, like keeping a monster caged inside of him. It’s also awesome how Kim recognizes this, a part of Roy that is visibly different from what she’s seen from him, and wants the song cut off as soon as possible once she sees what Roy’s becoming as a consequence of it.

I love the structure of these pages. We’re clearly coming off a win and enjoying the spoils of victory. Both Roy and Kim get a false sense of security and touch on areas that the other is sensitive to; too sensitive to talk about yet with someone who’s still a stranger. And, as a result of this, each wind up hurting each other, ending the scene at the polar opposite from where it started. Even though Kim may try to help Roy, their relationship has been damaged by her actions.

What I have questions about…

Maybe I’m misreading this line, but when Kim says “This day is stupendous, Roy,” I either have to assume she’s being sarcastic, and is bitter about their current affairs, or she means exactly what she says, which is a death knell to the scene. And, based on the way the scene structure appears to unfold, she literally means what she says. That, or the way I should be reading these lines is that she hates being on the run, living off the streets, and projects that animosity onto Roy who represents that side of her, and intends to emotionally wreck him with a song about Vietnam. She may come to regret it afterwards, but only because she didn’t mean to hurt him “that bad.” Structurally, that could still work, because it’s still a shift in polarity from Negative to More Negative. We may just need more description to help us understand that that’s the perspective we should be reading the scene from; action in the form of blocking or facial expressions. Otherwise, if the previously assumed scene structure of Positive to Negative is correct, than I’d cut that one line and start the scene with “Good ol’ five finger discounts,” which says the exact same thing as a literal interpretation of the line “This day is stupendous, Roy.” That or you could play with Roy and Kim talking about how terrible their day is, how little fun they’re having, how they hate each other’s guts, when we clearly see them having the time of their lives together and not meaning a word of it, because that too would play powerfully on the screen. However, the quoting of HAMLET is fun back and forth banter that’s equally as playful.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Here’s what I loved!

I love Kristen’s entrance and her quiet way of being accusatory. Very strong juxtaposition to Jocelyn who’s a lot more direct and loud mouthed. Even if Jocelyn doesn’t say what’s really going on with her, she’s so confident in how she presents herself, that we almost take her word.

As I’ll list in the note below, I love what this scene’s going for. It may be a little coincidental that both girls have tried to take their life in the same way, but it is visually powerful and instantly recognizable. And as I’ll state below, I love how this scene shows us how similar we can be when we get past personal opinions, ideologies, and beliefs.

What I have questions about…

I do wonder if current politics are playing more of a role than the characters. While I think the topics of religion, abortion, and suicide can be major motivators for characters, it’s also really easy to timestamp your script with them. Assuming that current politics aren’t playing a role, however, is there a way make this scene more efficient and revealing in its subtext? The arguments between Jocelyn and Kristen concerning a higher power give us some insight on their background, and how each deal with the topic of imminent death: Kristen holds up GOD as a shield to convince herself that she’s actually safe, while Jocelyn establishes herself as “above the lie” and therefore more powerful, because persuading someone to give up their faith is one of the few remaining feelings of control she has. At an even deeper level, it appears Kristen has struggled to believe in herself for some time, and both she and Jocelyn feign confidence in unique ways while being the same deep down. Because of what’s going on between these two characters, this has the potential to an incredibly powerful, revealing and timeless scene, so long as we don’t linger in the minutiae of religious debate or the controversy of abortion. I think if you can get it down to an easy structure of beginning (introduction), middle (four to six lines of religion vs atheism), and end (both have the same past, but made different choices with how to resolve it), that may get you closer to making this scene shine.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Matthew!

Don’t know how I missed that repeat of “handful.” Found that rewriting backwards helps me to find those more consistently. I’ll have to be sure and do that each time I revise.

Still keeping the other half of that initial post. Just took it out for the V.2 because it felt unfair of me to take up half a page for feedback, and it’ll be part of the first 10 pages, which is coming later.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Kate!

What I loved about your scene!

1. I love the mix of characters. You weren’t kidding in your preface. There’s a lot of ‘em. But you’ve helped give a number of them a strong enough voice to where they stand out and are easy to recognize from the dialogue alone, without having to remember each unique name.

2. I also see you’re using that trick to take us around the room. It’s super helpful and keeps the scene moving at a solid, rapid pace.

3. I like how a lot of people and the bar are introduced, particularly the description of the bar as “familiar.” Tells me everything I need to know about the bar in one word.

What I would love to see more of…

4. More variety of verbs and nouns, while eliminating adverbs and adjectives where possible is a good rule of thumb to follow. More than that though is Luciana’s introduction has the potential to be really badass in that mythic sense. The “untamed black mane” and the Xolo dog named after the Greek god of the Dead and the Underworld is amazing. If I’m not mistaken, we’ve already been introduced to who Luciana is earlier in the script, making the “5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life” redundant. You could probably get away with cutting the visual description that doesn’t contribute to or takes away from the entrance of an otherworldly woman, the kind of woman who you’d more likely find in the Odyssey or another legend than in a small rural town.

Thanks again and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Kate!

I’d love to!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

What I loved about your scene!

1. I love the chemistry between Peter and Mary. There’s a lot of history felt in their words to each other. In the space of a couple of pages, we see what drives them nuts about each other, and a hint of what made them love each other before.

What I’d love to see more of…

2. For the most part, the dialogue exchange between Mary and Peter carries this scene, and the use of description is necessarily limited. However, as infrequently as action description is used, I’d want to see more creative use of verbs, nouns, and descriptions, while avoiding the use of adjectives and adverbs as much as possible. For example, “Peter sadly closes the SUV sliding door” could be “Peter forces himself to slide the door between himself and two girls who mean the world to him,” or “Peter glides the door closed with the tenderness of tucking his daughters into bed.”

What I have questions about…

3. “Peter takes the tablet and stares at the screen. He recognizes ‘it’ because he used to work at NORAD.” What is “it?” Is it the tablet he recognizes, or something on the tablet. More description here would be helpful to know what Peter’s looking at. In addition, the shift from “EXT – SIDEWALK – DAY” to “INT – SUV – DAY” happens so fast and without informing us why Mary shouts “Jesus!” A little line about Mary seeing her ex-husband and how, in her eyes, “here is again, mindlessly being in the way” would go a long way to setting up the scene.

4. I realize this genre of film may utilize more of a slow burn approach. Still, I do want to know if there’s a way to better establish a true turn or change in the polarity. The scene starts with Peter receiving terrible news. He’s already lost his family, and now he’s losing his business. Then, the scene ends with the hint of a promise: Peter may get his family back. We’ve gone from the negative to the promise of a positive. I’d love to see this turn elevated to where it ends as powerfully as it began. Strong turning points that follow Newton’s Laws of Physics (for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction) help to establish a faster paced story and provide more options, keeping the audience engaged. I know one of the frustrations Mary has about Peter is that he struggles to commit to anything, but when the story is unsure on account of Peter being unsure, then the reader/audience is left waiting for the story to be sure and confident in the direction it’s going. You want uncertainty created through definite options and clear story questions, not vagueness.

I can’t wait to read more of this goofy and heartwarming story about Santa getting kidnapped!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Lisa!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

What I loved about your scene!

1. The use of dramatic irony is something we’ve seen a hundred times before, but the way it’s written in the text makes it fun, from the descriptions to the sound effects.

2. The Host having the calm demeanor and control of the park that’s trying to kill him as indiscriminately as anyone else is a nice touch, and it visually shows the hierarchy of the host over his park…at least until he drops his guard.

What I have questions about…

3. Why does he stop to talk to himself? I mean, a tinge of insanity may be established earlier in the narrative, and I’m just missing that context for this scene. And I’m not trying to say people never talk to themselves out loud (I do this all the time), but a full blown monologue is a little much. Though I will say, the tension in his voice can be felt through the dialogue and description you’ve given him.

***Spoiler warning for the newest SCREAM movie***

One thing the newest SCREAM (2022) established is that the protagonist inherited a similar level of psychosis as her late father, Billy Loomis. This allowed her to talk through ideas of the plot with her father, when none of the other characters were around. Maybe the Host talks with a literal manifestation of his darker side, and the monologue is a back and forth? Just an idea, and in no way should you use it if it doesn’t enhance your vision.

***

Thanks and kindest regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

What I loved about your scene!

1. Though I’m not entirely sure of all that has been revealed to the audience prior to this scene, there’s an entire, compelling story in just a couple of pages. The polarity of the scene starts with Clay feeling rattled by the events of last night, but still confident in himself, and then it all shifts and ends with him feeling so out of control that he kicks his own daughter out of the house. It’s a truly tragic moment of where his anger manifests into personal attacks on the ones he’s sworn to love and protect the most.

2. I love the descriptions, especially the character actions. I’m a big believer that the way someone picks up a pen can say more about who that character is than a monologue that’s half a page long. As a writer, and when I occasionally get the opportunity to act, I love finding ways to contradict what my character’s saying with how they’re acting, and I can’t help but get excited about the idea of Clay trying so hard to maintain control of his life that he shovels food down his throat with emphasis, because it’s one of the only things left that he does have control over.

What I have questions about…

1. Is there anything redeeming or ironic about Clay? Don’t get me wrong. I get that Clay is a Klan member, and the goal shouldn’t be to make Klan members look like saints in any respect. It just seems like there’s nothing deeper than his commitment to the Klan, which makes him come off as a surface level person. The notion of him believing that he’s not the hateful one, but rather is protecting the ones he loves from people who’re hateful is interesting and potentially relatable. We can identify his heart is in the right place, even if it’s misguided and ignorant. I think his commitment to protecting his daughter from what he perceives as hateful blacks should be at the forefront of his goals, which makes his daughter’s revelation that much more ironic and tragic for him. He not only fails in his goal (at least the way he sees it), his daughter’s decision makes everything he’s done for her meaningless. That may make Clay’s decision to kick Emmy out more believable. We may not like it, but there’s more for us to go on to understand where he’s coming from.

2. Hannah’s passivity is something I like, but again, it comes across as pretty surface level with how it’s currently written. She’s supportive to a fault, but it’s a struggle for me to assume she would just go along with the expulsion of her daughter without something else to go on. Assuming the audience is aware of Emmy’s news prior to the scene, the question coming into this scene is “How will Clay react?” As it’s written now, we have our answer, and it’s pretty final. If it were to end with Hannah backing up her daughter against Clay, then we answer our previous question with another question: “Will Clay be able to reconnect with his family and find new purpose?” Going even further, if Hannah kicks Clay out of the house, we again introduce irony into the story, as well as answer the previous question with a twist and another question: “Will Clay ever return home?”

I apologize if I’ve missed the point/goal in this scene. Please feel free to disregard any notes that don’t help you to succeed in your goal. You have a fascinating premise and a lead character that’s begging to be engaged with by the audience. I can’t wait to read the full script!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Dev!

Your notes are really motivating! I’ll be sure to fix my opening and take a look at your scene this evening!

Thanks again and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

I agree whole heartedly the turn happens a little too quick. So, that may be the biggest challenge this evening when I can get to it. The Markus plot is more of a B-Plot, having almost no connection to the story between Sully and his son, except to give greater context to the story world, the ending, and provide a character to follow prior to said ending when the A-plot and B-plot do merge into the same movie. So, any information prior to these scenes that you, Kate, and Dana have brought up as potentially missing is exclusively my fault for not being clear, and is something I need to address.

Thanks again for your help!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Kate!

What I loved about your scene!

1. I love how the Bill character is introduced. The scene starts up great, clearly introducing the conflict and how it affects the town people, and in the middle of it, just when we have a grasp of what’s going on, Bill drops a bomb with the alternative. In one single moment, Lucianna goes from leading a revolution with loyal townsfolk, to risking losing all of her power. It’s an amazing turning point in the scene.

2. The characters feel like they’re part of a real community. Everyone has their own view of the situation, especially after Bill reveals they could make a lot of money by just up and selling their property so a landfill could be built. Some look at Lucianna and immediately begin to justify the selling of their property (Lucianna was dishonest, and they’ve been wanting to move on from the town for years), while others just want to help a friend in Lucianna. It’s organic and feels alive.

3. Just a small note, but I really enjoyed the line Lucianna had where she corrects herself. “I didn’t think that anyone would be interested” to “I didn’t want anyone to be interested.” It says a lot about her character that she can be both sneaky and honest. When she’s caught red handed, she doesn’t try to lie herself out of hole. She accepts full responsibility, and it’s the mark of a great leader, something I get the impression she’s becomes by the end of the story.

What I have questions about…

1. I thought Bill left. When did he come back? I think I missed something in one of the scene headings.

2. Speaking of scene headings, Do you need to repeat “CONTINUOUS” for each group of characters? I’m assuming this is to show the passage of time, like the characters have been in a debate for a while, but I’m not sure how it’d translate on the screen unless the scene starts in the day and ends at night. If the idea is to lead us to different parts of the Church, I would just leave out the “INT/EXT” and the “DAY/NIGHT” unless we’re going to a new location or a different time of the day, and just direct out attention to VESTIBULE, SIDE TABLE, OFFERING TABLE, PEWS, ALTER, STEPS, etc. You’ve already included a number of the locations within the space in the opening action description, so leaving the subsequent scene headings as quick references can help to keep the pace of the action rapid and clear.

Thanks again for your notes!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Kate!

Great notes! Can’t wait to implement them!

I’ll be sure to get to your V2 later this evening.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

First, great to see you in the Horror course! Would love to know more about your breakthrough!

What I loved!

1. The raw emotion in this scene felt by everyone, Nick especially. This feels like a real turning point where the power dynamics between Alicia and Nick flip, and Nick senses it, trying to maintain a position of influence with the others while fighting his own guilt over betraying them. And then Alicia coming into her own where she has Kristen and Josh at her back is awesome.

2. The back and forth revelations in the dialogue keep the pace moving quickly. Even though I haven’t read the previous scene, I have a good idea as to where everyone stands as they try to debrief the tragedy of the situation. Plus, the intercom interrupting the conversation works to propel us to wanting to read what happens next as much as watching Nick lose everything and have to survive on his own, and the question introduced, “can Alicia and the others survive without Nick?”

What I have questions about…

1. I have a great feel for Nick, and a good feel for Alicia. Josh and Kristen are a little more of blank slates for me. If I had to guess, Josh feels a little more timid (the opposite of Nick), but Kristen doesn’t feel too much different than Alicia, unless she’s more inquisitive, more willing to ask questions? I’m not sure. I have a hard time writing more than two characters into a scene, so I’ll admit you’re a lot better at it than I am. I would just like to see a little more separation in the characters and the way they act. Maybe a quick brainstorming session will reveal some new traits to help Kristen and Josh stand out in the way Nick and Alicia do.

2. Some of Nick’s lines feel a little too expository. Nick is here to protect a loved one. Beyond that, a little explanation will go a long way, and allowing the audience to fill in the blanks where the details can be more fluid can be a great way to increase audience engagement for very little investment. The way the Jedi are introduced in the original STAR WARS is a good example of this. We don’t here about Coruscant, the politics, any of that. We know they’re peace keepers (the good guys) and have power through something called “The Force.” The rest of the mythology is left up for the audience to fill in, and I’ll argue it’s one of the things that made STAR WARS explode into what it is today, because it practically invited the audience to help George build the entire STAR WARS universe.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks for the encouraging words Dana!

I remember hearing a similar bit of advice with regards to writing accents, and somehow forgot. Great note, and I’ll be sure to course correct.

Ah, my inconsistent use of description (sometimes great, sometimes confusing as hell) rears its ugly head once more. I’ll make the necessary adjustments.

Thanks so much!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dana,

What I loved!

1. There’s a ton of intrigue and tension built up in this scene just by setting the therapy session up as a run of the mill “will they/will they not” relationship counseling, and then turning the script slowly as the man reveals more about his particular “relationship.” It definitely keeps you on the edge of your seat.

2. The scene’s ending. What a way to start a script, and the polarity between where it started and where it ended works on so many levels.

What I have questions about…

1. It feels like there’s a point, just before MAN goes on his monologue, where the conversation beats feel like they’re either being repeated or not unique enough to generate that feeling of turning. It’s subtle, and I realize this is probably extremely nit picky (sorry, you did such a good job that it’s hard to find things to critique). One acting technique I learned years ago was to write a single verb to describe what I was doing, or what my goal was for each line of dialogue. The more varied the verbs, the more range I could use for the scene. When writing, this same technique can help to ensure there’re no repeated beats, and it can help to correct a problem I have where when I write dialogue where I tend to linger like it’s a real conversation, instead of heightening it to an artfully constructed point.

2. I’m curious as to how this scene is followed up. Is MAN a separate character from the antagonist we meet later in the story? If so, I know, for me personally, I’ll stop paying attention and try to figure out how much of the population does have multiple personality disorder, what is the ratio of clients for a therapist that have multiple personality disorder, do people with multiple personality disorder only see psychiatrists, or will they visit with LPC’s, social workers, and psychologists as well, etc? I’m weird though, and the rest of the audience may not feel the urge the know everything about a particular topic in the middle of reading. If MAN is the same person, and we flashback to where the story starts in the following scene, I wonder if the suicide takes away from the tension and wondering on how ELLEN will save her family?

Sorry that the question section is so long. This genuinely was a fun read and I can’t wait to dive into the whole script! This story’s going to be a blast!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

I’d love to exchange feedback!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Wow! What an impressive and original concept!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dana!

Want to exchange feedback?

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks June!

I appreciate the encouraging notes on what does work! Tried cutting the scenes down and making the conflict more dramatic with the two characters by using your notes and what works so well with the way your characters are written.

Thanks again and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

What I loved about your scenes!

1. Each character feels unique and the dialogue moves very quickly. I’m honestly envious of how your dialogue doesn’t stagnate or sit in the same spot.

2. You have at least two to three things going on in each scene, and it helps to keep everything moving so the story’s a page turner. Will Kim get caught for stealing Merilyn’s car? What will Roy think of Kim’s theft? What’s up with the blood in the toilet/What’s wrong with Roy?

3. I like that for the scene with Kim and the hapless guy trying to pick her up, that scene is more about Kim trying to find her own way, and the hapless guy is just there. It’s the “Pope in the Pool” concept, but taken up a notch, just by having the conflict of the guy wanting Kim, and Kim saying “I’m not interested” without actually saying it. It’s a mini narrative covering up the story, instead of a cool visual.

What I have questions about…

1. Formatting wise, I got a little lost in the descriptions and the time of day some of the scenes took place. Some of that is due to the limitations of the forums, whereas if we had physical scripts to read, I’m sure it’d be less of an issue. I would still include “DAY” or “NIGHT” for each scene heading, unless the scene takes place where the day/night cycle can’t be observed or is irrelevant.

2. Though I do appreciate what the scene between the guy and Kim does, I do think it’s internal conflict for the sake of it, because Kim’s internal argument feels unprovoked. It reminded me of the last scene in DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) where Peter tells Francine to go on without him, when there’s plenty of time for the both of them to escape, and then he decides at the last minute “never mind” and joins her in the helicopter with way more undead surrounding them. I would keep the flow limited to “Therefore or But” and make sure the stakes last for the long haul. For example, Kim steals the car, but _____ happens. Therefore, she has a change in heart to return the stolen car.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Antonio!

Thanks for the awesome recommendations and encouraging words!

As to Isaiah, I feel you on the believability. I’m a high functioning Aspie, so a lot of the conversations between Sully and Isaiah are modeled after what I, as an adult, might say to my younger self (before I matured and worked out many of the kinks). It’s not a perfect system, but it helps gets the words and conflict on the page. I’m hoping to improve some of the believability and chemistry with each new draft.

Thanks again and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Antonio!

Yep! V.3 is the latest version of that particular scene.

What I loved about your scene…

1. The action is over-the-top and I love it. You’ve elevated an already intimidating setting with a full display of entertainment and production value, fit for the ultra wealthy underground. I imagine this would be as much an ad to choreographers and stunt people as much as anybody.<div>

2. I checked on the previous assignments to make sure I was interpreting Parisa’s character correctly. I love the fact that she’s not a valley girl. My first impression of your concept was LEGALLY BLONDE meets BLOODSPORT. But, I like the dichotomy between preppy, pretty cheerleader surface and deep, samurai-esque focus underneath. It’s a fun twist on the “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” message, and engages the audience, making us wonder what Laconic, well-thought-out words will escape the cheerleader’s lips next.

What I have questions about…

1. This scene does feel more like an ad for the sports announcers than Parisa or even Ruthless. I’m not sure if that was the goal, but I had more fun reading the announcers. Granted, I’m curious and am left wanting to see more of Parisa, but I’m not sure if I’d be excited to play her…yet.</div><div>

2. Similarly, Ruthless feels…plastic. I get this is perhaps just her way of performing for the cameras, like how WWE wrestlers make a big show, but are actual human beings behind the scenes. This is just one scene, so I’m not sure yet of how she presents herself when the cameras aren’t on her. That “real” part of herself is what I would most want to see as an actor, especially if it heavily diverges from her onstage persona. That is deeply relatable to any actor. In fact, you could incorporate aspects of RAGING BULL, where the character and the actual person blur lines sometimes, if an actor allows him/herself to relate a little too much with the character they’re portraying.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

(P.S. Trying something a little different for feedback. If you want something more extensive, please let me know. Also, posting here as well as through email as an attempt at transparency.)

</div>

[Cameron Martin]

Huh. You know, I had that same issue before, but I still have no idea what happened. I just shortened the post until it went through. I’d try treating the forum like twitter, and make a thread of smaller, separate posts.

If you want and you find it’s easier, my email address is cameron.ross.martin@gmail.com.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Antonio!

Are you looking to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Anna!

Do you want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Matthew!

I feel you on running through different story logic webs. I think I burned through about three before coming upon this. The frustrating thing is that the previous story logic webs looked nothing like this plot or ALIENS, as they involved a spy that went from betraying the community she infiltrated to ultimately saving it, all from within the confines of the bunker. BUT, the change kept happening too fast, and slowing it down made for a passive protagonist through much of the story.

I like the idea of the scientist, but I worry it would detract from the son, who’s a little like Spock obsessed with aliens, due to his Asperger’s. I haven’t seen LIFE, but I’ll definitely look it up.

I wonder if maybe brainstorming our Missions will help the stories to break out of the HUNGER GAMES/ALIENS affiliations. For example, I have another concept I’ve been working on for years, but it was only in the past few months that I found a Mission for the protagonist that opened up the rest of the story and themes on a personal level. That discovery only came about through Hal’s brainstorming strategy on finding out what the hero/heroine wanted to do in the story. Of course, with his brainstorming strategy, there’s no such thing as a bad idea. So I had to jot down “Travel to the center of Hell to craft the ultimate corndog” as a possible mission before landing on “Bring the person she murdered out of the underworld and back to life.” Both “Survive the games” and “Get to the bunker” are adequate missions that check off all of the boxes, including an obvious, observable finish line. I feel Horror lends itself to a simple objective, but I’m not very knowledgeable of the genre (looking forward to taking the Horror class being offered in a couple weeks), and I look at both A QUIET PLACE films and see the missions there (“Prepare for delivering a baby” and “Broadcast the feedback from a hearing aid”) and think to myself, the genre doesn’t limit itself to solely “Kill or be Killed.”

Thanks again, and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dev!

Thanks for your notes! You made some amazing observations where I do need to work on the description to make it more clear to avoid questions based more in confusion than intrigue.

What I loved about your scene…

1. You have a great setup with giving empathy to a genuinely unlikable guy. The feeling of being obsolete or replaced is a universal one, even when it’s represented by a supremacist.

2. Adam’s introduction is fun. He’s a pure politician, fully in control like a rockstar. We may not like his views, but we crave to have that kind of confidence. It’s a wonderful mix of emotions: Clay is completely outmatched, Adam is someone to fear (an evil man who’s influential), and yet, we can’t help but want to hear more of what Adam says, even when we know we shouldn’t.

What I have questions about…

1. Clay is interesting, and I’m not sure how to play him yet. He’s a confident Marine (there’s no such thing as a “former marine,” no matter how long they’ve been out of combat) that’s losing his edge and confidence, which is an amazing character that can be immediately relatable, regardless of the twisted world view. He’s effectively suffering from a midlife crisis, longing for the past where he was a “badass.” Outside of the audience in the story and the age gap, there’s no obvious difference between Adam and Clay. There is a subtle difference in how they communicate. Adam is straight to the point, Laconic, whereas Clay meanders a lot, bouncing all over the place to his religious beliefs, his patriotism, his supremacist views, and never seems to arrive at a plan or point. I like these angles and would love to see more of them, just to make it more obvious and fun to play.

2. I noticed in your 9 beat outline, you’re wanting your story to talk about climate change in addition to racism. I like the wind as a metaphor for the changing of Clay’s life, but I worry that being too literal or on the nose with the two different themes will take away from the impact both could make on their own. You’ve got something pretty great here to put an audience that is intensely apprehensive to being affiliated with racism in the mind of a white supremacist, and actually empathize with him. I think you could have a lot of fun tying the two seemingly separate arguments together by having the weather reflect Clay’s honest emotions, while Clay’s subtext hides his anxieties and need for external validation.

Thank you again and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Thanks for the great notes!

Touché on the pulling out the phone. There’re a lot of similarities between this and ALIENS, outside of the relationship between Sully and Isaiah, and I can definitely see how I may need to elevate that aspect in order for this to not feel like a retread. I’ll post the 9 plot point beat sheet below.

I did read a version of your character profile from early on in this module. I haven’t read your beat sheet, but now that you’ve mentioned it…

Okay, so Alicia starts off as weak and ascends to someone who’s a liberator. Cher Horowitz from CLUELESS becomes Katniss Everdeen? The reason for some of my confusion is it looks like, from the outline provided in the previous feedback exchange, that Alicia is unaware that she was partly responsible for someone’s suicide. However, the “Secret” given to her is her involvement in this act. If that’s the case, it makes the secret part of her character passive because she’s unaware of her own secret, and it eliminates the potential for it to be an active part of her story. We as the audience, whether consciously or subconsciously, are looking for the subtext and hidden agendas in the characters we follow, and sometimes make an incorrect assumption, no matter how well educated the guess.

If the current secret is unbeknownst to Alicia, I would give her a different secret that she actively hides. If she truly starts off the story with no SURVIVAL skills, I would highlight that but show off the social or out-of-the-box skills she does have that don’t appear, at least on the surface, to translate to survivability in a series of death-match/executions.

I’d love to keep talking about this and exchanging notes. A lot of times, we come into a project with a goal, but that goal isn’t always translated through the best possible story, and I think we’d benefit a lot in talking more and seeing where the other writer’s at.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

1. Opening: Sully is a talented builder who’s work on a newly developing space colony is invaluable for the success of establishing sustainable human life on dangerous, hostile planet, but it’s the reckless actions of his autistic son that draw the most attention from Sully’s superiors.

2. Inciting Incident: A siren warns the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until exterminators can arrive to extinguish the nest that’s developed and grown inside the outer walls of the colony.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully can’t find his child before the bunker is sealed, requiring him to find a way to protect both himself and his son from the monsters that are all around them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully receives help from another colonist (a spy) whose documents unveil a possible alternative way inside the Bunker, prompting Sully to lock his son in a secure location before taking on the dangerous reconnaissance to validate the findings.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The exterminators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, trapping Sully between an army and a swarm.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son try sneaking their way to a medical bay on board the exterminator’s ship in order to surgically remove the eggs that are rapidly growing in Isaiah’s lungs, but when Isaiah starts coughing, they draw the attention of everyone trying to kill them.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer, loving relationship.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Trying something a little different for feedback this time around to keep it short and simple. If you’d like more extensive notes, please let me know.

What I loved…

1. The action and the descriptions have a nice flow to them that help me feel the ebbs and flows of the scene. The all caps used for much of the sound effects and action taking place are already looking great in your script.

2. The opening is engaging. You don’t explain anything, but just let the action play out, and it’s awesome. A lot of mystery.

What I have questions about…

1. I’m still not sure about who Alicia is, apart from what I’ve already seen in THE HUNGER GAMES or stories about Robin Hood. There’s all this mystery and action, but I’m subconsciously readying myself to pull out my phone because of a sense that I’ve already seen what this story is promising to show me. A lot of your traits for her (Crafty, Brave) lend themselves already to this rogue type of character. I do see that you also made this character originate from the “rich” part of society, and her actions could suggest a sense of almost role-playing the Robin Hood role while feeling that she’s above the poorer classes, given her status in a caste system. Maybe her “fearful” nature is rooted more in a fear of how she’s perceived than in actual consequences (her appearance is more important than her life?). I get the feeling that the Secret you gave her may be inspiring her current affairs. While revenge and redemption are certainly worthwhile missions to ground a story in, the missions are usually rooted in something primal or with a direct A to B logic (JOHN WICK – Boy kills dog, therefore Boy must die; ALIENS – Nightmares haunt Ripley, therefore Ripley must face her nightmare; THE LEGO MOVIE 2: THE SECOND PART – Emmett wasn’t mature/hardened enough to save his friends, therefore Emmett tries to grow up and become tough). I’m sorry if this is too much. I’m spitballing so much because I honestly don’t know where this character is coming from. I’d look at what makes her fun for an actor to play or what’s unique about her, and then turn that up to 11 in both the dialogue and description.

2. I was a bit confused about the blocking when Nick is being taken. At first, I though Nick saw Alicia from several feet away. But after he alerts the authorities to her presence, she spits in his face…from several feet away or up close? If she’s from several feet away, that spitting range is impressive, and I’d take her for someone who chews tobacco and spits it out like a cobra or the dilophosaurus from JURASSIC PARK. If she’s up close, how do the soldiers miss her? “She sees the soldiers coming at her” from less than two feet away…? Most of the action and blocking is solid in your scene. It just needs to be tightened up a little, and I think a reader will be able to keep up with where everything is in space.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June!

Thank you for your amazing notes! I’ll definitely be making some adjustments, and I do see where some of my attempts at creating a bit of mystery led to more confusion than intended.

Trying something a little different for feedback this time around to keep it short and simple. If you’d like more extensive notes, please let me know.

What I loved…

1. I can definitely get a feel for Roy’s character. As an actor, this is a very fun character to play, from his dialogue to his world view. There’s a lot to work with, both from a real sense of tragedy the character has obviously faced and the devil may care attitude he uses to hide it.

2. The action descriptions you use are very simple and keep the story fast and fun to read.

3. I get a sense of just about everyone’s personalities, and there’s just a hint of something different between each as they hate on Roy, except for Tyrone who very much acts like a naive kid that accidentally fell into the wrong crowd.

What I have questions about…

1. This might just be personal preference, but how necessary is the amount of toilet humor used in the second scene? I think a little bit works well, but the way it’s written now feels reminiscent of the particularly over-the-top, grotesque SOUTH PARK episodes. It just feels like it belongs in a different script and it pulled me out of the story with how disgusting everything got. Again, this is just me talking. Someone else probably will come to a different conclusion.

Thank you again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Arthur!

Sorry I haven’t responded to this sooner. Been playing catchup in other areas.

Dude, I never considered giving the aliens any weaknesses, but you’ve provided some awesome ideas in bridging the knowledge Sully has with how else to fight the aliens!

I will say, hypersensitivity with regards to Asperger’s or Autism doesn’t work the way it does with Daredevil. It’s more of a hinderance and something for both Sully and Isaiah to work through. However, I do love the different ideas for how to extract the aliens from within Isaiah in the third act. It’s awesome to get feedback from another writer who’s a big fan of sci-fi!

I like the idea of Sully passing on information to Markus on how to fight the aliens, kinda like the ending to LOVE AND MONSTERS. I do worry that it’d be a distraction to the greater political implications and upheaval that’s set up in in the finale, but I’ll be sure to look into it.

Thanks for the amazing ideas and feedback!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

A. Concept:

When a coronal mass ejection from the sun destroys all electronic technology on earth, six astronauts and one reporter on the international research spacecraft Reliant must adapt the experimental Tesla Shield technology that saved their spacecraft to shield humanity from a larger earth-destroying coronal mass ejection just days away.

A quick Google search shows we’re in Roland Emmerich/Michael Bay territory with your concept involving CME’s, but I love convoluted sci-fi logic where I can turn my brain off end enjoy a roller coaster ride of a movie. ARMAGEDDON is one of my favorite guilty pleasure flicks, right up there with PACIFIC RIM.

B. Plot Choice: Underdog

Man versus nature, or in this case the sun. Yeah, it works.

C. Character Structure: Ensemble

No doubt.

D. Lead Characters

Reilly Ryan is a US female captain, pilot, of the international research spacecraft Reliant. Reilly worked her way up through the ranks the hard way and now must use all her skillsets to bring together an international crew to solve one of the most difficult problems anyone has ever encountered to save humanity. As the pilot and only survivor of a five-crew aborted launch and ocean crash landing four years ago, she still bears the physical as well as the emotional scars of survivor’s guilt.

Chase Douglas is a US black male first officer, co-pilot, and celestial navigation specialist. Passed over for command on this mission. He is a former Navy Top Gun fighter pilot who is smart, talented, and sometimes too ambitious.

Nico Lee is a Chinese female anti-matter propulsion specialist, Ph.D. She competed against thousands of candidates for this position which left little time for emotional interaction with other people. There is no one smarter in this field or lonelier because of it than her.

Tara Cooper is a French black female specializing in scalar wave and torsion field physics, Ph.D. An only child who worked her way through college, master’s, and her Ph.D. by working in her step-parent’s winery. She patented a frequency modulation device that reduced the aging time of the vintner’s now international best-selling wine in half which made her a small fortune. She is here because she loves her work not because she needs the money.

Diego Quinn is a Latino male life science specialist and MD, Ph.D. He is not really enamored with working in space and is more surprised than anyone that he is on this mission. His invention of an implant that monitors the body’s vitals and reactions to radiation and magnetic fields sealed the deal. He views this as a short-term assignment that will leapfrog his career in research ahead by decades.

Oleg Raykin is a Ukrainian male mechanical engineering specialist; Ph.D. Oleg would not have made it past all the political appointees vying for his spot if he had not invented the plasma field generator. It is the only known device that can contain anti-matter generation which propels the research spacecraft to near light speed. He grew up in the tough mafia-controlled neighborhoods of Moscow and does not suffer incompetence or fools.

Skyler Hardwick is a British female pool reporter chosen to broadcast special reports on the maiden voyage of the trillion-dollar international research spacecraft, Reliant, as it goes through its earth orbit testing. She used every political, financial, and bordering on blackmail of the Royal Family influence to get this assignment. She’s digging for a story deeper than the Reliant mission to propel her career to an anchor desk

Here’s what I’ll say about the characters. I think it’s great that you have so much background on them. I’m much more interested, however, in what they do. Everyone’s different, and I’m by no means an authority on compelling characters, as I’m finding out through these feedback exchanges. But when I read excessive character bios, I lose track of what the character is about, and they all just…kind of blur together. Maybe that’s just me, though. I guess what I’m trying to say is it may be helpful to do one of two things. You can separate what the character is about from the bio (using Skyler Hardwick as an example: Skyler Hardwick (British Reporter) is digging for a story deeper than the Reliant mission to propel her career to her dream job – an anchor. <separate paragraph> She is a reporter chosen on the maiden voyage of the Reliant, a trillion dollar international research spacecraft, as it goes through its earth orbit testing. To get the job, she borderline blackmailed the Royal Family). This is giving us the same information as before, but is a little more efficient in the delivery, and edits out any redundancies. Skyler, as a British citizen, blackmailing the Royal Family gives us way more insight into who she is than anything else. Just be sure to follow through on the promise this sets up. I’d be sorely disappointed if Skylar was advertised as being ruthless, only for her to serve in a predominantly supportive role with little regard for her opinions on the matter. Alternatively, you could just give us her subplot in one to two sentences. That advertises what kind of character we’re dealing with as much as the former. Either way you choose to take it naturally drives us to want to know more about a character and how she became the way she is when we meet her in the story, not the other way around where we learn everything about what got her to this point before we even know what or who the character is.

E. Dramatic Question:

Will Captain Ryan be able to lead the crew of the Reliant to save the earth from the approaching extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun?

Solid, as long as the audience doesn’t look up the myriad of news sources that say CME’s can’t destroy the earth or cause extinction level events. If they do, it’s not a problem so long as the story maintains a level of fun and irreverence to logic. ARMAGEDDON does this well. Sure, asteroids hitting the earth is nothing new, and we’re all well aware this is a real possibility. But sending roughnecks into space to drill and blow their load deep into an asteroid’s hole (Yes, I’m aware of the imagery and metaphor, and so is Michael Bay) is pure ridiculousness that allows us as the audience to sit back and pay attention to the crazy cast of characters instead of the science. If you took ARMAGEDDON’s wacky premise and gave it to Christopher Nolan or Stanley Kubrick, instead of the testosterone charged mind of Michael Bay, the film would loose its charm along with the credibility that it never had to begin with. I’m bringing this up because tone matters a lot, and if you try to balance the crazy with the serious, you’ll lose both. Looking ahead to the 9 Plot Points, there’s some fun and wacky stuff that happens, and the sentimentality feels on point. So if the intent is to come up with a Roland Emmerich style of film, keep leaning into the “escalating nonsense” (CineFix’s “Roland Emmerich and the Art of Escalating Nonsense” on YouTube). If the eventual goal is to end up with something heartfelt and serious (like ARIVAL or 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY) then it may be a good idea to scale back the level of destruction to something more cerebral or economic while you’re still in the early stages of this concept; like if the task of the Reliant’s crew wasn’t to save the earth from an extinction level event, but to save the earth from being sent back to the 1800’s technology wise, or how a global meltdown of wireless and satellite communication leads to international turmoil, and the crew of the Reliant is a microcosm of the conflicts happening hundreds of miles below them.

Side note; I know I brought up Nolan instead of Villeneuve who directed ARIVAL. I think Nolan’s INTERSTELLAR is a perfect example of film that advertises heavily that it’s scientifically accurate, only for it to jump the shark when the lead character, from NASA and knows better, plans to dive into a black hole, and he actually survives the gravity inducing spaghettification.

F. Main Conflict:

The crew of the Reliant must adapt an untested Tesla shield technology to save the earth from extinction-level Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun within 48 hours.

As above, so below…Magic shields and all.

G. Dilemma:

With no way for the crew of the Reliant to receive the necessary equipment, they need from earth to adapt their untested Tesla shield, Capt. Reilly Ryan must lead her crew on an unplanned hazardous journey to the moon to retrieve a fusion reactor from an unmanned mining moon base, adapt their Tesla shield on their return journey, and get into position to defend earth before the next Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun arrives, in just 48 hours.

Love it. Ticking clock, check. Simple objective and first half journey, check. Second half “flip the script,” check. Kicking the sun’s ass with the moon (old school myths coming to life), check. love it, love it, love it.

H. Theme:

Humanity as a group is larger than the sum of its parts.

Beast. I’m so stoked by this theme. I love the optimism.

Structure of your screenplay (9 beats, one sentence each):

1. Opening

Pool reporter Skyler Hardwick’s live broadcast introduces the crew of the International Deep Space Research Spacecraft Reliant and their mission to test a new Tesla Space Shield for interstellar travel. The broadcast is interrupted by an emergency transmission from NASA.

2. Inciting Incident

NASA informs the Reliant a Coronal Mass Ejection that was thought to be bypassing earth, masked a larger one behind it that will hit the earth and the Reliant in six hours with an even larger earth-destroying CME 48 hours behind that one. All space stations are evacuating to earth. Capt. Reilly orders the crew to prepare for evacuation, however, the Reliant crew votes to stay with the ship and try the untested Tesla shield to save the ship.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

In a process that would normally take twelve hours, the crew scrambles to fire up the Tesla shield in six.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1

The Tesla Shield saves the crew of the Reliant, however, the electronics on earth have been knocked out. They determine the Tesla Shield may be modified to save the earth but they need another fusion reactor to power the modified shield. With no help from earth available, they will have to journey to the unmanned autonomous mining moon base to retrieve the additional reactor.

5. Mid-Point

With the other members of the crew needed to maneuver the Reliant in a sling-shot orbit around the moon, Captain Reilly must enlist the aid of the pool reporter, Skyler, to help her retrieve the reactor from the moon base. Skyler is shocked to learn the only way to get to the moon base is by crash landing the shuttle near the mining base and then using the earth return lunar payload spacecraft at the base to rendezvous with the Reliant.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2

As the crew struggles with the damaged systems of the Reliant to keep it on a sling-shot orbit around the moon, Captain Reilly and Skyler crash land the shuttle by the mining base. They discover the AI-controlled mining equipment has been damaged by the CME and is destroying the base. Barely staying ahead of the crushing mining machines, they find and load fusion reactor onto the lunar return ship. They blast off just as the AI miner hits their ship. Reilly struggles with the damaged ship to rendezvous with the Reliant.

7. Crisis

The new reactor is barely installed as the Reliant takes a position to defend the earth. However, the Tesla mask which must be extended for the shield to work is damaged and will not deploy. With every possibility explored and failed, Chase Douglas, the first officer, sneaks off to the cargo bay, suits up, and exits on the space tug.

8. Climax

The crew discovers Chase attaching the space tug to the Tesla mask. Against their vociferous protest, Chase uses the tug to extend the mask just as the CME is about to hit. With no time for him to return to the ship, he begs Reilly to engage the shield: a death sentence for him. Tearfully, Reilly puts her hand on the red engage button. The other members of the crew put their hands over hers and they all push together. The shield spreads like a lotus blossom as Chase disappears in a flash of light. The CME slams into the shield which deflects its destructive power away from the earth. The Reliant is buffeted as its systems alarms blare with overload warnings but the Tesla Shield holds and the CME safely passes by the earth.

9. Resolution

A saddened crew is surprised when NASA contacts them from Cheyenne mountain in Colorado. They have been receiving Skyler’s broadcasts throughout the Reliant’s entire adventure. NASA and the world owe them a debt of gratitude that may never be repaid. A crew will be launched within 90 days to relieve them. The crew of the reliant are no longer professional co-workers from individual countries. They are also more than friends bound together by the crucible of near-death experiences and the bonds of mutual commitment, sacrifice, and loss. They decide to honor Chase’s sacrifice by exploring deep space with the Reliant.

While I absolutely understand the complexity of the world that naturally goes along with the Sci-Fi genre, you need to get your plot points down to one sentence. Believe me, I know it’s freaking frustrating to try to fit so much context into one sentence. The problem is that when there’s too much included in the plot beat, you risk losing the powerful punch that can come from a turning point; it gets lost in the minutiae of context stacked upon context. When reading these, I think you’re on target for what each plot point should do. You just need to excise the excess information.

For reference, I’ve included the following examples in case it helps to have a comparison. The first half of the story is self explanatory with the setup, call to adventure, and initial fun and games. Virtually nobody messes this part up unless they have a passive protagonist that has to be told and lead to their threshold like a sheep, so I didn’t bother including examples for those beats:

Midpoint of a story structurally is where the story turns on its head (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are still trying to get home, but now they’re stuck in Sid’s house (potential danger to real danger). ALIENS – Ripley and the Marines go from being on offense to the defensive and getting the hell out. GLADIATOR – Maximus enters the Colosseum and reveals himself to Commodus. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Frodo takes on the permanent of role of Ring Bearer). The second turning point of Act 2 is structurally the “All is Lost” and “Dark Night of the Soul” part of the story. It’s where things get “real” and all measures must be taken to assure victory (TOY STORY – Buzz is strapped to a rocket and will explode tomorrow morning. ALIENS – Newt is captured and the only one left who can go after her is Ripley. GLADIATOR – Maximus’ escape plot fails, and his allies are either arrested or killed. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Gandalf dies, thus initiating the collapse of the Fellowship). The Crisis is where the true gravity of the situation comes into play or a critical rule must be broken (TOY STORY – Buzz isn’t freed in time, prompting the toys break their number 1 rule. ALIENS – We see the alien queen for the first time, and she goes after Ripley and Newt. GLADIATOR – Commodus stabs Maximus, mortally wounding him and placing him at a critical disadvantage. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Boromir turns on Frodo, prompting Frodo to wear the ring, which announces to the forces of Mordor exactly where he is). The Climax is where the story’s theme comes into play through life or death (literally or figuratively) action (TOY STORY – Buzz and Woody escape Sid’s house and Buzz magically flies when he commits himself to being Andy’s toy. ALIENS – two mothers battle it out over the love/loss of their children. GLADIATOR – Maximus kills Commodus and returns Rome to its roots as a republic run by the people, rather than greedily possessed by an emperor. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Aragorn entrusts the ring to Frodo and allows him to go, before fighting with the remainder of the fellowship to protect him and the other hobbits who can’t protect themselves.) The Resolution is returning to the status quo, but changed, whether for the better or for worse (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are back in Andy’s room doing recon on new toys, just like at the beginning of the story. ALIENS – Ripley is back to sleep again, but the nightmare is over. GLADIATOR – Maximus departs for Elysium to be with his wife and son again. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – It’s down to Sam and Frodo again, just like how they started their journey).

2. Post your “Get to the Essence” outline in the PS81 forums at

General Note: Get the scenes down to one to two sentences, and ensure each scene turns. Referencing Robert McKee’s “Story,” a scene is an event that shifts the emotional polarity of the moment from the positive to the negative, vice versa, or from positive to more positive or negative to more negative. Doing this will help to keep your story from feeling stagnant and give each moment something that will keep the audience engaged. An amazing breakdown of Robert McKee’s philosophy on scene structure, if you’re interested, can be found in the YouTube channel’s “Just Write” analysis of the anime, DEATH NOTE (name of the video is “Death Note: How to Write Binge-Worthy Television”). Also, a scene typically averages about 2 pages, meaning there’s usually 40-60 scenes in any given movie (80-120 pages). You have 170 “scenes” listed. Some of these can more accurately be called story “beats” that make up the totality of a scene. As Hal mentioned in this assignment, a lot of future assignments are going to require going into greater detail with your outline by writing out the full scenes, and the initial establishing shot in your opening won’t take up more space on the first page of your script than what you’ve already written down in your outline.

BLACKOUT

SOLAR STORM

+ ++ Opening

1. EXT SPACE

Looking at the earth with the moon in the background as a massive spaceship with two counter-rotating rings at its center ENTERS from the left side of the frame. The name Reliant is prominent on its bow.

2. INT RELIANT

International pool reporter, Skyler Hardwick takes us through the spacecraft, introducing the live audience to the Reliant’s crew. Oleg Ryakin – Ukrainian male Mechanical engineer, Ph.D. – designer of the antimatter containment field that powers the ship. Nico Lee – Chinese female anti-matter propulsion physicist, Ph.D. Tara Cooper – black French female scalar wave and Quantum physicist, Ph.D. Diego Quinn – male Hispanic life science specialist. MD. Ph.D. Chase Douglas – US black male 1st Officer and celestial navigation specialist. Ph.D. Reilly Ryan – US white female Captain and nuclear physicist, Ph.D.

3. INT RELIANT – BRIDGE

Capt. Reilly explains to Skyler that this mission is to test the new Tesla Shield. At this moment, Chase reports and emergency message from NASA has been received.

+++ Inciting Incident

4. INT COMMAND MODULE

The NASA Flight Director, Jack Stone, informs the crew of a Coronal Mass ejection from the sun is going to hit the earth with devastating effects in less than six hours. Another larger earth-destroying CME hitting in 48 hours. Orders them to abandon ship.

Man, this happened fast. Some setup leading up to this would help the payoff of the sun dooming earth and it’s inhabitants from being so jarring. In ARMAGEDDON, asteroids “the size of basketballs” hit New York before NASA finds out about the “planet killer.” In VOLCANO, earthquakes and other mysteries give clues as to what’s about to erupt under LA. Appetizers preparing the palate for the main course.

+++ By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

5. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew wants to stay on the ship and try out the Tesla shield.

6. FLASHBACK SPACE SHUTTLE

Reilly has a flashback of her shuttle crash 4 years ago.

I know I’m only a little ways into this, but I feel I have to say be careful of flashbacks. They can very easily turn into crutches to cover up structure problems in a script by providing an action a character made in the past, instead of giving us a conflict for the character to solve in the present. Past conflicts don’t engage us as much as present conflicts. Made this mistake before, and all it did was apply lipstick to a pig, rather than fix the actual problems that existed within my script.

7. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly warns the crew of the dangers, tells them to talk it over with families and come back to vote on whether to stay or not.

8. INT NICO’S QUARTERS

Nico’s father tells her it is her duty to stay with the ship. FLASHBACK: Nico’s father compels her to fight in a martial arts competition, she wins but does not like it.

9. INT CHASE’S QUARTERS

Chase talks with his mom, dad, and sister. FLASHBACK: Chase’s dad teaches him to fly the family crop-duster.

10. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg talks with his daughter. FLASHBACK: Oleg & his wife fighting the Russian invasion force outside the Zaporizhzhia Nuclear facility, she is killed.

11. INT TARA’S QUARTERS

Tara talks with her stepparents at their vineyard. FLASHBACK: after the call, looks at a photo of them at the vineyard, morphs into a live-action scene of her Ph.D. celebration.

12. INT DR. QUINN’S QUARTERS

Dr. Quinn talks with his wife. Looking at a photo of his daughter he FLASHES back to the two of them being by her bedside as she dies of cancer.

13. INT SKYLER’S QUARTERS

Skyler talks with her soon-to-be ex-husband news anchor. FLASHBACK: BBC News Director tells Skyler she is being replaced by a younger anchor.

14. INT BRIDGE

Reilly talks to the only remaining member of her family: her dad, Buck. From a photo of her husband and daughter – FLASHBACK: Reilly runs into an emergency room; Buck tells her husband and daughter have died in an auto accident.

Seven flashbacks in a row. That’ll add up to at least 14 pages (half a typical first act) and we’re not out of the “Debating the Call / Meeting with the Mentor” story beats. We’ve started 0-60mph, then immediately stalled on the side of the road for a tuneup.

15. INT COMMAND MODULE

Crew votes to stay and use the shield. Skyler will be sent to earth.

16. INT RELIANT BRIDGE

NASA and Reilly approve of Skyler staying on board after her impassioned plea.

17. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg, Nico & Tara scramble to bring the fusion generator up to full power.

18. INT RELIANT (MONTAGE)

Skyler moves among the crew as they scramble to bring the Tesla Shield up to full power.

19. EXT RELIANT

A large mast begins to extend from the front and rear of the Reliant.

20. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly, Tara, Nico, and Quinn sit at workstations 3D presentation of the ship earth and the approaching Coronal Mass Ejection: 3 minutes to hit.

21. EXT RELIANT

Thrusters fire slowly turning the ship to face the threat.

22. INT BRIDGE

Chase confirms that he has maneuvered the ship for a head-on strike by the CME.

23. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg tells them he’s ready to test-fire the shield.

24. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly orders Tara to fire the shield.

25. EXT RELIANT

A burst of blue plasma engulfs the umbrella-like structure on the front of the mast shielding the ship 360 degrees.

26. INT COMMAND MODULE

A sigh of relief and cheers go up from the crew at the successful test. At that moment the countdown hits Zero.

27. EXT RELIANT

The coronal mass ejection hits the Tesla Shield and blossoms around the shield in a fiery arc trailing miles behind it.

28. INT ENGINEERING

A Klaxon begins to blare overload warnings as Oleg struggles to maintain maximum power output.

29. INT COMMAND MODULE

Nico and Tara struggle to keep the Shield power and frequency modulation in alignment as Reilly moves to the bridge.

30. INT BRIDGE

Chase is having trouble keeping the Reliant facing the CME. Reilly is going to use the shuttle’s engines to keep them in alignment. She heads to the shuttle.

31. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara tells everyone they are taking too much side stress on the shield.

32. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly uses the shuttle’s main engine to push the Reliant back into a head-on alignment with the CME. Skyler has joined her and is terrified.

33. EXT EARTH

The Coronal Mass Ejection strikes the earth’s atmosphere pushing deeply into the protective envelope in a burst of rainbow colors.

34. MONTAGE: CME HITS MAJOR CITIES

MONTAGE: As CME hits major cities in Europe, Asia, the US. The electromagnetic pulse knocks out power, explodes transformers, and destroys all unshielded electronics. The lights of the world go out: BLACKOUT.

Just want to say this was a fun sequence of events. Reads very fast paced.

35. INT BRIDGE

Chase tells Reilly she is overstraining the shuttle docking coupler.

36. EXT RELIANT

The coronal mass ejection flares in one last push against the Tesla Shield.

37. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg dives behind the control panel as thousands of volts of electricity arc throughout the engine room as the fusion reactor safety circuitry shuts it down.

38. INT COMMAND MODULE

Nico yells that they are losing the shield.

39. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly kills the engines just as the CME is passing.

40. EXT RELIANT

The last remnants of the CME arc across the Reliant knocking out all the electrical systems. The CME has passed leaving the Reliant adrift.

41. INT COMMAND MODULE

Oleg calls in and tells them the fusion reactor is damaged and will not produce enough power to use the shield again, only enough to power the ship’s systems.

+++ First turning point at end of Act 1

42. EXT/INT BUCKS SILO

As soon as the electrical storm has passed a circular metal hatch opens and an antenna mast extends 30 feet into the air. Inside, Buck has fired up his shielded backup generator and is scanning radio frequencies.

43. INT COMMAND MODULE

Oleg brings power back up as Tara reports all coms with NASA and other earth stations have been lost. A staticy transmission is heard….it’s Buck!

44. INTERCUT: BUCK’S SILO & COMMAND MODULE

Reilly tells buck about reactor damage: Buck tells Reilly though no help from the earth is possible a fusion reactor is on the remote mining operation on the moon.

45. EXT RELIANT

The ship passes through FRAME over the darkened earth.

+++Mid-Point

46. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew comes up with a plan to go to the moon to retrieve the fusion reactor.

47. INT ENGINEERING

Skyler approaches Oleg and Nico about the odds of moon mission success. Vodka is all he can offer her for encouragement.

48. INT MEDICAL BAY

Quinn tells Reilly and Tara he may be able to make a serum of stem cell replicators that will mitigate the modified shields radiation output.

49. INT BRIDGE

Chase argues with Reilly that he should be the one to take the shuttle to the moon base.

50. INT ENGINEERING

Nico preps the anti-matter drive, Oleg hits the coms button to confirm the drive is ready to go.

51. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly orders everyone to prepare to launch as she heads to the bridge.

52. INT ENGINEERING

Nico and Oleg buckle up in their seats overlooking the engine control panels.

53. INT BRIDGE

Reilly counts down from 5 and then hits the thrusters.

54. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant flies through the left side of FRAME the four anti-matter drive thrusters glow red and the ship darts out of FRAME into the distant black illuminated by the moon.

Quick note: You don’t need to tell me about the FRAME, if by “FRAME” you’re referring the picture frame. At best, a cinematographer will know what you’re talking about, read and understand it intuitively, then make up his/her own mind about how to shoot regardless of what the script says. At worst, nobody else will see it when they read it, and it’ll take them out of the story.

55. INTERCUT: BRIDGE, COMMAND MODULE, ENGINEERING

INTERCUT: among the crew as the ship accelerates with increasing G-force.

56. INT BRIDGE

Chase calls out the speed 15…17….20,000 mph. Reilly cuts the power. Reilly calls out to crew 11.9 hours to shuttle launch.

57. INT SILO

Buck taps a few keys and brings up a satellite orbiting the moon, he sees a problem.

58. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant moves toward the moon.

59. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew reviews a 3D rendering of the mission to the moon. Buck informs them mining machines are destroying the moon base.

60. INT MEDICAL BAY

Quinn gives Skyler an inhaler for her nerves.

61. INT CAFETERIA

The crew decompresses by sharing funny stories about each other from their year of training together.

62. INT OBSERVATION DECK

We discover Chase and Nico have a relationship.

63. INT CREW QUARTERS

Reilly & Tara share a moment to reflect on how their mission has changed.

64. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant rotates 180 degrees and the Anti-Matter Drive engages to begin braking.

65. INT BRIDGE

Chase calls out the completion of the turn.

66. INT ENGINE ROOM

Nico confirms anti-matter drive thrust is nominal. Oleg confirms the fusion reactor is stable.

67. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara looks at the 3D Projection of the slingshot orbit and confirms they are on the right track and the shuttle launch is a go. She begins a 10-second countdown.

68. INT SHUTTLE

Skyler takes a hit off the inhaler doc gave her. The countdown hits zero. Reilly hits a series of switches, and the shuttle undocks from the Reliant.

69. EXT RELIANT

The shuttle pulls away from the Reliant. As it clears the mother ship the main engines fire to slow its descent.

70. INT BRIDGE

Chase looks out the window to see the shuttle braking hard with its engines at full thrust.

71. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly calls out over the comm that number three is running hot, they are pulling 7 G’s in the deceleration. Skyler is too scared to scream.

72. INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

She orders the co-pilot to jettison the solid boosters as she shuts down the main engine. She tells everyone to hold on as she rolls the shuttle inverted.

73. EXT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

It performs a 180-degree arc heading back toward the Florida space base.

74. INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

Reilly drops the gear and deploys the speed brakes to slow down but there’s just not enough time.

75. EXT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

The Shuttle stalls and hits the water hard, with the left wing down it cartwheels across the water.

76. INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)

The shuttle occupants are tossed around in the violent cartwheel. A warning Klaxon goes off…..

77. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly snaps back to the present day and sees the overheat light on number three. She shuts it down.

78. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara tells Reilly she will have to burn the other two engines longer to slow down and will have less time to rotate the ship 180 for the crash landing.

79. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly hears Chase calling out the countdown of engine shut down. At zero she cuts the engines and hits the thrusters for rotation.

80. EXT SHUTTLE

The shuttle, approaching the moon stern first, flips over on its back and then rotates 180 degrees the moon rapidly approaching below.

81. INT COMMAND MODULE

Chase has joined Tara and Quinn at the 3D display. He tells Reilly she’s still going too fast.

82. INT SHUTTLE

Reilly hits the forward thrusters, drops the landing gear, and uses the rear thrusters to drag the rear wheels across the smooth, previously mined, moon surface

83. EXT MOON/ SHUTTLE

The rear wheels slam into the surface of the moon and plow two deep grooves in its surface.

84. INT SHUTTLE

Skyler screams as the vibration is twice as bad as the braking maneuver. Reilly holds the forward braking thrusters at full power until the nose suddenly slams to the ground.

85. EXT MOON/ SHUTTLE

The front and rear landing gear collapse. The shuttle continues to slide until it impacts and penetrates one of the dome-shaped structures disappearing inside.

86. INT COMMAND MODULE

All the crew sees is a massive dust cloud engulfing the entire base. And no answering call to their transmissions to the shuttle.

87. EXT SHUTTLE

An enormous mining machine with a rock-crushing grinder chews its way into the building. Reilly grabs Skyler and they barely escape the destructive grinding of the machine.

88. INT BUCK’S SILO

Buck looks at his monitor, infrared scan reveals that Reilly made it to the moon base.

89. INT RELIANT COMMAND MODULE

Tara calls to Nico, now in the engine room with Oleg, that they are not braking hard enough with the anti-matter drive.

90. INT BRIDGE

Chase is monitoring their path and determines they only have minutes to correct the problem, or they will blow past any way to sling-shot for the return to earth.

91. INT ENGINE ROOM

Nico tells the team the anti-matter drive was designed for long periods of acceleration, not short-term full power sprints, it’s losing power.

92. INT MOONBASE MINING FACILITY

Reilly and Skyler dodge car-sized ore carriers moving empty and full through the corridor leading to the reactor.

93. EXT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM

The door is locked, Reilly pulls out an electronic box and runs it over the lock. It opens and they enter.

94. INT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM

Reilly and Skyler discover AI-bot running reactors, it attacks Skyler, Reilly saves her.

95. INT MED BAY

Quinn gets an idea that magnetic pull could help their deceleration problem. Magnets!

96. INT BRIDGE

Magnets. Chase gets the idea and asks Tara if the frequency generation array is able to attract as well as repel.

97. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara reconfigures the frequency array as she asks Oleg what they may use for power?

98. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg tells the team the fusion reactor is only able to run at 40% of capacity, they need 50% to power the array.

99. INT BRIDGE

Chase asks about daisy-chaining the small fusion reactor in the explorer satellite they were to deploy in deep space?

100. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg and Nico splice the satellite reactor into the fusion drive.

101. EXT RELIANT

The frequency projection array pans to the right aiming directly at the moon.

102. INT BRIDGE

Chase transmits they are 1 minute away from the point of no return.

103. INT LAUNCH BAY

Nico makes the final connection and engages the power transfer on the control panel.

104. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg plugs in the final patch relay and hits the transfer switch. It works.

105. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara activates the frequency array and the entire ship begins to vibrate.

106. INT BRIDGE

Chase monitors the ship’s systems. Alarms begin to go off indicating in red parts of the ship that are experiencing overload stresses.

107. INT ENGINEERING

Nico and Oleg work the controls to keep both reactors in sync.

108. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara tweaks the array as the 3D red arc slowly merges and disappears into the green arc.

Not commenting much on the science mumbo-jumbo. I see a bunch of stuff happening involving astronauts. I love astronauts. I love watching them work. There’s no feedback I’m currently equipped to give, as anything that could improve these parts will be found in the next module, along with the modules concerning dialogue.

109. INT BRIDGE

Chase watches the tracks emerge. Then yells for them to kill the array.

110. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara kills the array as Oleg yells for her to wait until they uncouple the reactors.

111. INT ENGINEERING

Killing the array feedbacks into the reactor patch and an electrical surge blows Nico off the control panel and knocks her unconscious onto the floor. Oleg races to her side.

112. INT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM

Reilly’s arm gets stuck pulling out the fusion reactor fuel cell, Skyler saves her.

113. INT MED BAY

Nico is on the med-bed unconscious as Chase, Tara, and Oleg watch. Tara and Oleg discover Chase and Nico are in a relationship.

114. EXT MOONBASE

Reilly and Skyler see a mining rig headed for the earth return rocket; their ride home.

115. INT BUCK’S SILO

Buck sees the miner heading for the earth return rocket. He types commands into his keyboard.

116. INTERCUT BRIDGE, COMMAND MODULE & ENGINEERING

Chase counts down from 5 and the team engages the thrusters 30 to complete the sling-shot.

117. EXT MOON/ EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly and Skyler struggle to get the reactor into the ship as the miner is approaching them.

118. EXT MOON/ POV FROM SPACE

We see the earth return rocket about to be destroyed by the miner as a satellite impacts and destroys the miner in a giant explosion.

119. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

The explosion rocks the ship violently. Reilly hits the launch button and the ship’s rockets fire lifting them into space.

120. INT BUCK’S SILO

Buck breathes a giant sigh of relief as we see on his monitor that he redirected the path of the satellite to collide with the miner, saving Reilly and Skyler.

++ Second turning point at end of Act 2

121. INT BRIDGE

Tara, in the copilot’s seat, confirms the radar lock-on Reilly’s rocket as Chase radios Oleg to open the shuttle door and stand by for rendezvous.

122. INT SHUTTLE BAY

Oleg in his spacesuit hits a button. The shuttle bay decompresses, and the large door opens, revealing a retreating moon behind them.

123. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly sees the Reliant ahead. Reilly applies full foreword thrusters to slow them down. She explains this ship was designed for earth return, not docking.

124. INT BRIDGE

Tara tells Chase they need to speed up now or Reilly’s ship will but them like a torpedo.

Oleg gives Chase the OK to use fusion drive for a short burst. Chase engages the drive and pushes the throttle wide-open.

125. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly calls “out of fuel” for thrusters as they zoom toward the shuttle bay. Suddenly, the Reliant bolts ahead with the fusion thrusters wide-open.

126. EXT RELIANT

The Reliant moves quickly ahead with Reilly’s ship about to impact the shuttle bay. Its speed is just enough for Reilly’s ship to enter the shuttle bay.

127. INT BRIDGE

Oleg reports overheat indications on the fusion reactor. Chase calls out engine shut down as he pulls back the throttles.

128. INT SHUTTLE BAY

A catch net stops the ship inches from Oleg.

129. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Skyler is taking a hit-off doc’s inhaler. Reilly asks if she’s OK. Skyler replies that it’s nothing a change of underwear won’t fix.

130. INT BRIDGE

Chase and Tara share a look of relief. On the radio: tells Reilly she just set the record for the most crash landings in space in one day.

131. INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET

Reilly radios to everyone to get ready for anti-matter drive firing to head back to earth. Chase tells her about Nico’s injury and their inability to fire it without her.

132. INT MED BAY

Nico is weak from her injuries, however, refuses to stay put and will fire off the anti-matter drive.

133. INT ENGINEERING

Oleg stands by Nico, a little shaky on her feet, as she fires up the anti-matter drive.

134. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara monitors the Reliant on the 3D display with Quinn and Skyler watching.

135. INT BRIDGE

Chase counts down ignition from 5 seconds. Reilly hit the ignition button and throttles the anti-matter drive up.

136. INT ENGINEERING

Nico and Oleg’s fingers dance across their keyboard balancing the of firing the anti-matter drive engine.

137. INT COMMAND MODULE

Tara monitors the Reliant’s 3D projection trajectory toward the earth. When they reach 25,000 mph she calls for engine shutdown.

138. INT BRIDGE

Chase cuts the throttles; however, nothing happens. She radios Nico.

139. INT ENGINEERING

Chase radios they are going to miss earth, Oleg picks up a large pipe, walks over to the coupler, and hits it as hard as he can. There is a large clunk and the engine shuts down.

140. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew is updated by Buck about chaos on earth and then they review the plan for deploying the modified Tesla shield.

141. MONTAGE: COMMAND MODULE/ENGINEERING/BRIDGE

MONTAGE:

BRIDGE – Reilly and Chase work on programming the Reliant for the braking maneuver and pin-point positioning for firing the shield

ENGINEERING – Oleg and Nico secure the additional reactor and run jumper cables to the main power junction box assisted by Skyler.

COMMAND MODULE – Tara is having problems with the frequency generator.

INT MED LAB – Quinn pulls a vial out of a torsion field generation device. The liquid inside is electroluminescent.

142. INT CREW MESS

Quinn injects crew with anti-radiation serum. Tara confides to Reilly that she still has not found the resonate frequency to make the expanded shield work.

143. MONTAGE: CREW QUARTERS

MED BAY- Quinn looks at his last vid com with his family.

ENGINEERING – Oleg looks down at the swirling vortex the fusion reactor is creating in its plasma containment chamber as he looks at a picture of his wife and daughter.

OBSERVATION DECK – Chase and Nico hold hands and then kiss against the starscape swirling around them.

INT CREW QUARTERS – Skyler is playing back the video journal has been making of their journey. The editing scenes with music are powerful and emotional. Tears unexpectedly run down her face.

INT BRIDGE – Reilly talks with Buck on the ham radio expressing her misgivings about what they are attempting – Buck comforts her with the fact all is not determined by random acts but by the hand of a divine creator and He does not make mistakes.

COMMAND MODULE- Tara is at her wit’s end trying to figure out the new frequency for the extended shield. She puts her head back in her chair and drifts into a fitful sleep…dreams.

FLASHBACK – Tara, 8 yrs old, throws a rock into a pond. It creates a series of waves that expand from small to very large.

PRESENT: Tara’s head snaps off the headrest back into the present. The dream is the answer to the resonant frequency generator.

144. EXT RELIANT

The ship begins to rotate 180 degrees. THE CAMERA stays with the rear of the ship as the anti-matter drive fires.

145. INT COMMAND MODULE

Quinn sits next to Tara with the 3D representation of the Reliant, earth, and the approaching earth-killing coronal mass ejection. She radios to the crew they are T-30 mins to impact.

146. INT ENGINEERING

Reilly calls for an anti-matter drive shut down. Nico pulls back on the anti-matter drive power, while Oleg preps the fusion reactors for the shield.

147. INT BRIDGE

Reilly initiates the 180-degree roll of the Reliant to face the approaching CME, Skyler watches from behind them. As soon as the roll is completed, Reilly calls for Tara to deploy the Tesla mast.

+++ Crisis

148. INT COMMAND MODULE

The Tesla mast won’t deploy. Chase didn’t check it when it was stressed in sling-shot maneuver and he blames himself.

149. INT SHUTTLE HANGAR

Chase moves quickly to the space tug near the hanger door and gets inside. The hangar door opens the engine’s fire and he off.

150. EXT RELIANT -BRIDGE/ MAST MODULE

The space tug flies over the top of the reliant, does an inside loop, and stops in front of the stuck mast. Chase deploys the grappling arms and wraps them around the three-foot ball at the top of the mast.

151. INT SPACE TUG

Chase fires the engines full throttle and the mast begins to jerk and barely move.

152. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew discovers Chase is deploying mast with the space tug. There won’t be time for him to return before CME hits. Reilly and Nico beg him to return.

153. INT SPACE TUG

Chase tells him that will only save themselves, not the earth. That is the mission and it’s his fault for not testing the mast earlier.

+++ Climax

154. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly orders Oleg to fire up the fusion reactors to full power. This is a death sentence for Chase. Tara call out 30 seconds to impact. Oleg brings the reactors up to full power.

155. EXT SPACE TUG

The mast finally locks it into position as the tug runs out of fuel.

156. INT COMMAND MODULE

Reilly’s hand hovers over the large red shield deployment button. Nico takes the choice from her and presses the button as she looks into Chase’s eyes on the monitor.

157. EXT RELIANT

The space tug is engulfed in a blast of white light followed by the Tesla shield deploying like a giant umbrella around the ship. It’s width wide enough to cover the earth.

158. INT COMMAND MODULE

At this moment the Coronal Mass Ejection hits the ship. Tara struggles with the frequency modulator to reinforce the shield. Nico fires up the anti-matter drive routes power to the shield against Oleg’s complaint it has never been tested.

159. EXT RELIANT

The shield is white-hot and is beginning to buckle.

160. INT COMMAND MODULE

At first, it seems to be making things worst, then the entire ship vibrates and the shield expands against the opposing force and holds: the anti-matter drive is working.

161. EXT RELIANT

The shield extends into the CME and then it is over.

162. INT COMMAND MODULE

As quickly as it started the CME is passed. Reilly calls for a shutdown of the shield and Tara, Oleg and Nico work to bring down the power levels.

163. EXT RELIANT

The shield disappears as the end of the mast glows white-hot.

165. INT COMMAND MODULE

The crew looks out the window at the shattered space tug that holds Chase’s lifeless body.

+++ Resolution

166. EXT RELIANT

A space tug emerges from the back of the Reliant and quickly makes its way to Chases, grabs the disabled tug, and takes it to the rear of the Reliant.

167. INT HANGER BAY

The crew in spacesuits, place their flight wings on Chase’s space pod and launch him into space.

168. INT COMMAND MODULE

Jack Stone and Buck are on the vidscreen showing the crew the world celebration of being saved by them. It will be several months before a rescue ship with a replacement crew will be able to relieve them.

169. INT OBSERVATION DECK

The crew looks out into space and decides the best way to honor Chase’s sacrifice is to use the months they have to explore deep space.

170. EXT RELIANT

The counter-rotating rings of the Reliant glow bright blue, the anti-matter engines fire a long tongue of blue plasma, and the Reliant speeds off toward the distant planets ahead of it.

THE END

Final note: A lot happens. I don’t know if I got all of it. Hmmmmm. I like that a number of your action scenes do turn. That’s a positive. I often look at the movie 300, where you have Spartans being…well…Spartans for the better part of most of the movie. After a while the “Oh my GOD! It’s *fill in the blank*! Meh, Spartans can handle that,” gets pretty old. A number of your scenes do raise the possibility of failure, which is good. Keep it up and keep elevating. I love me some over-the-top disaster movies.

Thanks again for exchanging feedback with me!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Arthur!

I’d love to exchange feedback! I just posted the updated version of my outline. Can’t wait to read yours!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Michael!

Man, it’s been years since I last saw WAR OF THE WORLDS. It’s been on my Apple wishlist for a minute. Great comparison to those two films. I’ll give ‘em both a watch soon.

Originally, Sully was more forceful with Isaiah, but he came across as too unlikable. When I toned it down for him, he did lose a lot of that arc you’re talking about. I’ve got to find the something new or the right balance for Sully to be sympathizable. I agree with your point that the obstacles should be an opportunity for the relationship to grow, and will start there when going back to the drawing board.

Father being a carpenter was a lazy first attempt at putting a skill I have in the script to limit extra research. I’d rather go along with something I know instead of something I don’t, so I’ll have to work a little harder at making that skill relevant. Same with Isaiah’s skill. I agree that it doesn’t translate as well as it could.

Long story short on the title is that it wasn’t supposed to be a real title in the beginning, and this wasn’t supposed to be a real concept. I got frustrated one day at my day job from not being able to write, and came up with mouths stretching out of faces like they were attached to snakes as a joke. But the more I wrote, the more interested I became. The title works on a number of levels (from opening your eyes, telling kids to “open wide”, to the way the worms take over their host’s body) but it it might be too vague to sell someone on the first pitch. I like some of the points you made on A QUIET PLACE and how the title works with the world and its characters. Great ideas! Can’t wait to apply them!

You know what? I need to get a lot better at communicating my concepts. I realized this was an area of weakness for me, but man. Thanks for the notes on this. They’re really informative.

Yep! Sully and Isaiah have to be developed more. Luckily, the next module will help with this, but your notes do give me some ideas on what I should’ve already had in place.

I never think about last names for my characters. Don’t know why ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I agree on the dilemma. Sully and Isaiah’s relationship does need more work.

On “liquidators” – When I first started writing the script with no plan in mind, I ran out of steam after the first 17 pages or so. Borrowed from CHERNOBYL and came up with conscripts as a way to add a ticking clock and irony to the story. Though, “exterminators” is a perfectly functional term for the role the passengers are conscripted to play in the B plot.

I love all of your notes for the outline. They make it clear where I need to clarify points in the story, or rework the logic in some scenes. I’d say the ending takes some inspiration from THE LAST OF US; and I’ll agree with Neil Druckmann that for parents, their children come before the rest of the world. By contrast, I get the ending for THE MIST, but there’s a reason I don’t go back to watch that film. Great idea with the passenger I killed off almost as soon as I introduced him. It would make sense for him to be a logic thread we can follow to make better sense of the world. There’s not really a cure so much as there’s an invasive surgery the dad renders on his own son to save him. I originally had this outline broken down more to fit Hal’s requirements, and planned on expanding down the road when we actually write out the scenes, but it’s not fair to you or any other reader to be missing some key context on how the rules of this world work, even in an outline.

Thanks again for your amazing feedback! Looking forward to applying it and making this thing work the way it’s supposed to!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey June! Thank you again for your awesome feedback!

I’ll admit, I may not be the best person for feedback with this concept, as I’m struggling to empathize with your characters. Not sure if that’s just me or if it’s the way the two are currently written. Regardless, here are my thoughts, and I hope they’re helpful to you.

CONCEPT/LOGLINE

I don’t get it. I mean…I get that they’re two characters that are continuously running from their problems, and their mutual life hacking strategies make for a perfect pair, in theory. Maybe I’m too accustomed to the idea that the antagonist (lover) offers something the protagonist needs. I’m a typical guy, so while I love rom-coms from time to time with my wife, I’m not as well versed in the tropes as action movies. Still, in 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, Kat needs someone who’s honest and willing to be vulnerable to her, which Patrick provides. In addition, the need for someone to be honest and vulnerable to her mirrors her need to be the same for the people in her life that she loves, namely her little sister, Bianca. The conflict is in how Kat and Patrick meet, where Patrick is bribed in the beginning to woo Kat, but falls in love with her, thus jeopardizing the relationship because although Patrick can give Kat what she needs, the act that incited their love is a lie. I’m guessing what Kim offers Roy is acceptance for who he is? It seems like he gets that from Suzy and Marilyn though. Maybe I’m reading it wrong and am just spitballing ideas to make it fit in my head. Maybe I’m too anti-mooching to accept Roy’s behavior isn’t something that needs to be changed, like Kim’s craziness and need for protection is something that triggers Roy into providing for Kim, and by extension providing and being responsible for himself. What Kim can offer is understanding. I’ve never served in combat, and I can’t relate to the hardship in seeing your friends die in battle. That’s something not even Suzy and Marilyn can provide for Roy, but what if Kim could?

DRAMATIC QUESTION

I’m good with this. It’s solid enough. We can all relate to the feeling of finding where we belong, or what can constitute as “Home.”

MAIN CONFLICT

Yep! That’s a conflict involving a fantastic riddle. How does Roy get what he wants, while what he wants runs contradictory to what Kim desires?

DILEMMA

Again, this works. You reference the inciting incident as what initiates this drive to stay in one place, but I do believe it would be more powerful if what drives Roy is Kim. In the beginning, Roy comes off as an “I don’t give a rat’s ass” kind of guy, and I’d picture him saying something similar to everyone telling him to get a permanent address, because if he faked his death before, what’s to stop him from doing it again? Kim and her antics can be what compels him to make the choice from not caring to caring deeply and committing to a loving domicile.

THEME

I like dissolution vs living. It just needs to be tailored to a specific message. I’ve fallen into the trap before of having my theme be about a general noun or verb, rather than having it register as a prophetic point. THE MATRIX, as an example, has a number of different ideas that take inspiration from various religions and philosophies (Christianity, Hinduism, Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, etc.) but it’s central theme lies in the idea that when we believe in ourselves, we can bend our own reality to our will. The main hurdle Neo overcomes in the story is in his self confidence. When he does finally believe he’s the one, THAT’S when he stops bullets and defeats Agent Smith. THAT’S the theme of THE MATRIX. Maybe the theme of RETIREMENT is “when we stop running and plant roots, that’s when we find true happiness.”

PLOT CHOICE

No complaints. You have an original love story.

CHARACTER STRUCTURE

Is it a Rom-Com or a Buddy movie? If Roy is smitten, wouldn’t the movie trailer reflect that and sell me on this being a romance?

LEAD CHARACTERS

I think I get Roy. I don’t know if I learn exactly what Kim’s deal is. We talk about Roy serving in a bloody battle, but what’s Kim’s trouble with her brother? Apologies if I missed the scene that explores this in detail.

PROTAGONIST CHARACTER ARC

I can buy Roy wanting to atone for a perceived wrong through self torture. It breaks my heart and I totally get it. Seeing him learn to love himself again is a true triumph that I’ll gladly pay to see at the theater, and Kim’s involvement in that healing process, in spite of her flaws, makes the whole journey more worth while.

Biggest fear reminds me of Nathan in THE LAST SAMURAI, and I buy the urge to bury or run from the dead and the past.

I can get behind the challenge Kim has in learning to forgive. It’s a difficult skill, and is relatable to a number of people. I don’t know if it’s exactly what Roy needs to move on from his hurt. Referencing 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU again, Kat’s need for someone genuine is tied to the betrayal she felt from the guy who lied to her in order to sleep with her. That one event changed her to put up walls and keep everyone out. Patrick’s origin explaining why he’s so aloof isn’t touched on as much, but his willingness to change from putting up the persona of being a bad boy to being real and vulnerable with Kat (being honest) is what helps Kat learn to put down her barriers and let people back into her life again. Just looking at it from this angle, I don’t know yet how someone who struggles to forgive others is all that great for someone who struggles to forgive themselves, unless, just like Patrick has to do, she changes for Roy (becoming more forgiving and open) just as Roy changes for her (becoming more responsible and caring).

For the 9 plot points, I would try getting those down to one sentence, as that will help them be as powerful as they need to be. Too many sentences dilutes your vision. Other than that, I’d say they’re going in the right direction. Midpoint of a story structurally is where the story turns on its head (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are still trying to get home, but now they’re stuck in Sid’s house (potential danger to real danger). ALIENS – Ripley and the Marines go from being on offense to the defensive and getting the hell out. GLADIATOR – Maximus enters the Colosseum and reveals himself to Commodus. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Frodo takes on the permanent of role of Ring Bearer). The second turning point of Act 2 is structurally the “All is Lost” and “Dark Night of the Soul” part of the story. It’s where things get “real” and all measures must be taken to assure victory (TOY STORY – Buzz is strapped to a rocket and will explode tomorrow morning. ALIENS – Newt is captured and the only one left who can go after her is Ripley. GLADIATOR – Maximus’ escape plot fails, and his allies are either arrested or killed. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Gandalf dies, thus initiating the collapse of the Fellowship). The Crisis is where the true gravity of the situation comes into play or a critical rule must be broken (TOY STORY – Buzz isn’t freed in time, prompting the toys break their number 1 rule. ALIENS – We see the alien queen for the first time, and she goes after Ripley and Newt. GLADIATOR – Commodus stabs Maximus, mortally wounding him and placing him at a critical disadvantage. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Boromir turns on Frodo, prompting Frodo to wear the ring, which announces to the forces of Mordor exactly where he is). The Climax is where the story’s theme comes into play through life or death (literally or figuratively) action. The Resolution is returning to the status quo, but changed, whether for the better or for worse (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are back in Andy’s room doing recon on new toys, just like at the beginning of the story. ALIENS – Ripley is back to sleep again, but the nightmare is over. GLADIATOR – Maximus departs for Elysium to be with his wife and son again. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – It’s down to Sam and Frodo again, just like how they started their journey). Using 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU as an example, the party is where the story turns on its head, with Cameron discovering Bianca was using him, just as he was using Patrick, Patrick and Kat actually start to have feelings for each other, and Bianca learns Joey is a prick. The dark night of the soul comes when Kat refuses to go to prom, meaning Bianca isn’t allowed to go to prom, and the two sisters have to reconcile their past. The true gravity of the situation comes into play at prom, when Joey reveals to Kat that her time with Patrick was payed for for him to get closer to Bianca, thus ending the relationship between Kat and Patrick, and forcing Cameron and Bianca to stand up for themselves. The story’s theme comes into play with Kat reading her poem to Patrick, with the whole class in attendance. Finally, the resolution is Patrick using the money Joey gave him to pay for Kat’s dream guitar and asking for her forgiveness. The two reunite, Cameron and Bianca are together, and Joey is a distant memory.

OUTLINE

Get the scenes down to one to two sentences, and ensure each scene turns. Referencing Robert McKee’s “Story,” a scene is an event that shifts the emotional polarity of the moment from the positive to the negative, vice versa, or from positive to more positive or negative to more negative. Doing this will help to keep your story from feeling stagnant and give each moment something that will keep the audience engaged. You have a lot of scenes that do this. The problem is the reference to multiple scene numbers is confusing, because I don’t know where some events turn the story, and where others feel like filler. An amazing breakdown of Robert McKee’s philosophy on scene structure, if you’re interested, can be found in the YouTube channel’s “Just Write” analysis of the anime, DEATH NOTE (name of the video is “Death Note: How to Write Binge-Worthy Television”). Beyond that, I know Roy and Kim are “moochers,” but I’d enjoy seeing some skill involved in their taking advantage of others. Otherwise, it just feels like they’re getting away with a lot and having things given to them during the story, rather than them earning or sacrificing for the things they want. For example, the deed to Marilyn’s house feels a little too convenient. It might’ve worked in Shakespeare’s time with a lot of his comedies, but I don’t know that it works as well when we try to incorporate theme. They’re moochers because of unreconciled guilt and shame. I imagine they’re mooching is a way of coping and running from their problems, but that once they face and deal with their issues, the need to mooch is gone, and they’re capable of starting to live responsibly. They might not be able to afford a nice, large home, but a small town house or studio apartment would still get the point across that they’re ready to take care of themselves more than acquiring the home of someone else without personal sacrifice.

Thanks again for your notes! I hope mine were helpful to you. Your concept sounds fascinating with a lot of potential for heartfelt drama. I can’t wait to see what it becomes throughout the course!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks June! I’ll try to get to your outline this evening!

I pictured the worms as a kind of cross between real parasitic worms and wasps that take over people’s homes when left unabated. Though, I agree, ALIEN and ALIENS made the xenomorph life cycle must clearer through the action, and I’ll have to do the same for my script. You would be correct that they’re the only uninfected humans left. The rules regarding this could be made clearer. Sully’s call to action is more about him meeting his son’s needs than it is about a child maturing to something resembling adulthood. With that in mind, perhaps this is more Protagonist versus Antagonist than it is a true Buddy Movie. I definitely crossed the “Will Sully remain human without his son” bridge when retooling this concept. I loved the potential of “IAM LEGEND in space.” The relationship between father and son just fascinated me more when I considered the relationship I have with my son, and what kind of choices I would make if I were in Sully’s shoes.

Awesome feedback, and thanks so much again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Here’re my notes, Michael!

CONCEPT:

At this stage, it’ll help to nail down one concept, and elevate it from there…unless you want to write three separate screenplays. However, all three concepts sound like they’re basically the same story, with each touching on a different angle. Personally, if I watch the movie trailer in my head, I’m dying to see Concept A, whether you’re telling the story from a comedic angle or a dramatic one. The irony of rooting for the “James Bond” villain is something I can’t believe hasn’t been done yet.

PLOT CHOICE:

I like it. I can see an opening similar to the Sam Raimi SPIDER-MAN movie, where Peter Parker is a down on his luck nerd turned superhero, with a tragic decision in the end. Except this time, Peter Parker adopts the Green Goblin’s morality of might makes right. What’s more is starting the film this way helps us to empathize with the protagonist more. We’ve all been in his shoes, believing we deserve better or are overqualified for the position we hold.

CHARACTER STRUCTURE:

Great triangle, reminiscent of a lot of Bond films. Perfect for satire.

LEAD CHARACTERS:

PROTAGONIST

I would be careful of the name change. While it makes sense, it could get confusing for audience members or readers. Just something to keep an eye on, unless you want to make it a running gag where people keep calling him by his original name, and Dr. Royce has to keep correcting his minions.

IMPACT CHARACTER

I don’t know, I’m just…not interested. She feels too much like a run-of-the-mill actress. I’m sure we’ll get into this in the creating characters for movie stars module, but there’s nothing ironic about her character that makes me interested in her. With the description you have currently, you could just call her Gwyneth Paltrow and call it a day.

ANTAGONIST

I do worry about it becoming too preachy, but the conversation between genuine innovation versus interests in money and power is a good one, especially right now with the choices coming down to oil and gas (efficient but evidence suggests having ties to climate change) and wind and solar power (extremely expensive and inefficient compared to alternatives already available). In reality, both choices appear to be predominantly linked by greed from third parties, and that’s where Dr. Katz can come in. He has the answer to efficient, cost-effective, and sustainable green energy, but it would disrupt the duopoly of carbon emissions and current “green” energy trends. This would be similar to a generic version of insulin becoming widely accessible to the American public, but its very existence would cut into the pockets of “Big Pharma.” (Again, genuine innovation versus profit and power). In addition, I could easily see your international interests buying off protest groups and leading scientists to discredit Victorino’s work as something that would cause global warming, since it involves beaming the sun’s energy down to earth (this is a tactic that is often used in manipulating public opinion).

That all said, I do think I’m more interested in the relationship between Derek Evan’s and Dr. Victorino. The relationship between Megamind and Metro-Man from the DreamWorks film, MEGAMIND, fueled that whole arc in a way that the rivalry between Derek and Victorino could for MEGALOMANIAC. The international “interests” are really just subplots that give a background and support for your story and story’s theme.

DRAMATIC QUESTION:

It has potential, but it doesn’t feel personal enough. On one hand, I’m sure many people have felt the sensation of their superiors actively subverting their best efforts. On the other hand, it’s usually just that, a sensation, and nothing more. Believing we’re outright better than our supervisors and managers, and that we’d be in their shoes if only they would get out of our way, is a megalomaniacal thought, and would be fitting to your protagonist. I’m just not sure if it carries the enough empathetic weight for general audiences. Looking back at MEGAMIND, the dramatic question introduced in that film quickly shifts from “Will Megamind ever defeat Metro-Man” to “Will absolute power truly make Megamind happy” to “Will Megamind get caught in the lie he’s fabricated to get close to Roxanne?” Two of those are answered in the first act, but the third one carries the film and is one that can instantly be sympathized with. Megamind has discovered the one thing that can make him truly happy, but it comes at the cost of lying to the person he loves. Taking a look at NIGHTCRAWLER, Lou’s dramatic question is whether he can succeed at the new job he has, in spite of seemingly failing at every previous one. We make the assumption that Lou has recently been down on his luck by him admitting that he’s “lost” and by his desperation to work for literally anybody willing to give him a job. This is further exemplified by a potential employer telling him “no” without so much as making eye contact with him. However, the movie doesn’t keep Lou unemployed. Lou finds work, and the expectations that come with it push him to take action against his competitors. While I don’t think it has the same weight as MEGAMIND does, the dramatic question and supporting conflict present in NIGHTCRAWLER appear very similar to MEGALOMANIAC, and bearing the weight of expectations and new found success is a genuine feeling everyone can relate to and understand, any and all delusions aside.

MAIN CONFLICT

Should be Derek. “Powerful interests” is too vague.

DILEMMA

This dilemma isn’t referenced enough in the story. The first part of your second act reads like a vacation with no strings attached. Again, MEGAMIND’s dilemma has an actual choice about honesty. NIGHTCRAWLER has a choice about risk versus reward. Both dilemmas are played out in the action and choices the protagonists make. The second act sees Victorino make worse decisions, but it doesn’t seem to cost him anything. There’s no sacrifice being made with each choice he makes. NIGHTCRAWLER may feature a sociopath, but every choice Lou makes is purely logical. Victorino comes across as fitting the conventions of a super villain for the sake of fitting the conventions of a super villain.

THEME

The theme of greed destroying the world doesn’t fit with the ending. I mean, it kinda does when you squint at it. But, the theme really seems to shift around between showing “be careful whom you encourage,” “Be careful what you wish for,” or “The cost of fulfilling your vision.” All three of these eventually lead to Victorino’s destruction of Earth. Victorino isn’t greedy, though, and his greed doesn’t drive him to ending the human race; it’s his pride that does. If you want an example of work that has pulled off this same theme and arc, look no further than the TV show BREAKING BAD. The stakes aren’t world shattering, but the narrative arc is pretty similar.

CHARACTER ARC

This is a great arc. It’s worked before with both SPIDER-MAN and BREAKING BAD. Plus, it’s an awesome journey for the audience to take with someone who wants power so bad, regardless of how pure the intentions are, and struggle with the burden that comes with it. Whether it ends in us rising to accept responsibility (SPIDER-MAN) or fall to our own ego (BREAKING BAD) the journey is what’s kept us telling this narrative for thousands of years (OEDIPUS REX being among the first).

OUTLINE:

Some thoughts. First, some of your scenes aren’t scenes. Referencing Robert McKee’s “Story,” a scene is an event that shifts the emotional polarity of the moment from the positive to the negative, vice versa, or from positive to more positive and negative to more negative. “Waldo and Imelyna have sex” is not a scene, but it can be a point of emphasis at the conclusion of the prior scene. For example, we go from “home is not safe” to “Imelyna is safe,” with sex being the exclamation point to the latter sentiment.

Second, where’s Derek Evens? He shows up at the end, but for the most part, the antagonist is some general amalgamation of bureaucratic meddling. While I appreciate the story bringing to light how governments and corporations work together for their own profitable ends, it doesn’t feel like DALLAS BUYERS CLUB, which offers a similar message. For much of the story, Victorino gets a full makeover, training, kinky sex; it’s like the male fantasy of James Bond films, except James is usually headstrong and an active driver of the story, something all men want to experience in their lives. By the time we get to Victorino taking an active role, he’s for sure the bad guy, and nothing really challenges him to take the extreme measures without requiring us to relate to his delusions. Derek should be a much more active foil to Victorino. Also, a common trope with Bond villains is they’re no match for Bond’s strength and physical prowess, so they don’t even try to fight hand to hand. They try to outsmart Bond in some way, thus challenging Bond to think outside the box and take risks. Victorino’s training in martial arts just feels unnecessary. He could use a gun, a metal bat, or some strangle someone with twine. Any of these three would get the point across that he’s capable of murder, and none of them require a great deal of conditioning or skill.

Also, be careful of the trap of giving your supporting characters too much to do. It can easily render your protagonist passive. There’s a little too much heavy lifting Imelyna does, and it takes away from the choices and character arc we need to go on with Victorino.

Lastly, some quick thoughts. Get your story down to 40-60 scenes max, all with one to two sentences describing each. It’ll go a long way to getting to the core of the moment to moment action. Yes, Matt Damon and Elon Musk are little much, but that’s just me. I tend to get pulled out of a story when it tries too hard to pull in the real world. Child Pornography is unnecessary, when you already have a scandal involving Imelyna. Too many scandals makes her look too promiscuous, and risks making her alignment with Derek more about her being a slut than having a change of heart. Finally, it appears a little too easy to sabotage Victorino’s machine. Don’t know if that’s intentional or not, but when it happened in the ending, this story went full slapstick comedy for me, making the tragedy intended for the ending feel really weird.

I apologize if my notes are long or read more negatively than intended. I love the hell out of your concept and ideas, and am rooting for you and your script to succeed in the grandest fashion.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Michael!

I’d love to exchange feedback! I’ll get started on yours right away!

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much for taking the time and giving notes on the second version! You’ve gone above and beyond and helped me work through some of these logic issues. Seriously, thank you for the time you’ve given me. It means a lot.

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s SLW Version 3

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept: An android in search of redemption will defy her creator by stealing the code to creating life in an effort to bring the person she killed back to life.

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus (Protagonist) is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone when she created a copy of herself.

2. Adam (Antagonist) is an ancient computer virus turned cult leader who, after developing a complex through killing various copies of himself, created his own world inspired by several religious and mythological sources.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that resents the way she was created because that creation came at the expense of an innocent’s life.

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld whose augmented voice helps to soothe the chaotic machines dwelling there.

5. Pan is the little boy whom Janus saves at the beginning of the story, only to grow up and be killed by Janus in her attempt to create a copy of herself.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus bring her victim back to life?

F. Main Conflict: Adam sending his personal army, his other children, manipulating his followers to turn on Janus, as well turning Copy against Janus. Slavers capturing Janus and Copy and selling them to Warlords who pursue them and Calvex through the underworld. Copy betraying Janus to set up a trap and kill her counterpart.

G. Dilemma: Janus and her Copy’s pursuit of different goals (Janus wants redemption/Copy wants justice), places them at odds with one another and makes it difficult for them to work together.

H. Theme: We can’t heal others until we first learn to heal ourselves.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Broken and literally split personality to healed and self actualized.

(Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy, Pan, from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is taught to create a copy of herself under his guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, she also kills Pan, whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, plans to steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Janus rejects Adam’s offer of absolution, which is just erasing people’s memories, and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld, which prompts Adam to split into multiple versions of himself who all fight each other for supremacy, with the most vengeful of Adam’s copies winning and setting his sights on destroying his own creation.

5. Mid-Point – After Janus cheats death and joins forces with Calvex, a guide to the underworld, Copy, who wants Janus to see justice for her actions, makes a plan with Adam to set a trap.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but the trap laid earlier springs, and Copy ties to kill her counterpart; but when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol to bring him back, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation, and declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors and both defeats Adam and resurrects Pan.

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, allowing Calvex, Pan and the others living there to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP

A. Concept: A driving instructor finds out their child commits grand theft auto on a regular basis during a defensive driving course where their child is behind the wheel and the cops are on their tail. As their child’s hostage and on the run from both the cops and the crime crew their child spurned, the two now have to mend the relationship that was broken.

B. Plot Choice: #13 Maturation

C. Character Structure: #2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters:

1. The Kid is an elite driver that commits grand theft auto on a regular basis behind her family’s back, but one day steals from her crew’s boss in order to afford to run away forever.

2. The Dad is a defensive driving instructor that has tried to control most aspects of his life, including his daughter’s, for the sake of safety.

3. The Boss is a crime boss that specializes in grand theft auto who goes after The Kid when she steals his prized car and earnings from their past few heists.

4. The Lieutenant is a cop placed in charge of ending a series of car thefts by capturing The Kid and The Boss. He’ll finally win when he and The Kid make a deal and work together to bring down The Boss.

E. Dramatic Question: Will The Kid get caught and have to face up to her actions? Will The Kid and The Dad reconnect with each other?

F. Main Conflict: The Kid wants to be in the driver’s seat (both literally and figuratively) and keep running, but the Dad wants her to stop and accept responsibility, living the same safe life he’s prepared for himself and his family.

G. Dilemma: How can the Kid and her dad see eye to eye long enough to get themselves out of trouble?

H. Theme: We are our parent’s children

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From running from responsibility to accepting it.

1. (Active) Opening – The Kid breaks into a Lamborghini Countach and takes it on a joyride, evading cops along the way, before leaving it and successfully sneaking into her parent’s out.

2. Inciting Incident – A cop is able to identify the Kid while she’s on a defensive driving course with her father, and attempts to pull the two over.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – The Kid slams the gas and takes her dad for the ride of his life as she successfully evades law enforcement, with the dad left wondering what happened to his daughter, and how does he get her back.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – The Dad chooses to go with his daughter, instead of turning her into the cops, so that he can mend the relationship he didn’t know was broken.

5. Mid-Point – The Boss puts a hit on The Kid.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – The dad is shot in the crossfire between cops and the cartel.

7. Crisis – The Kid gets herself and her dad out okay, but her dad’s bleeding out.

8. Climax – After watching her father die, the Kid cuts a deal with the Lieutenant and goes after The Boss.

9. Resolution – The Kid sets up a memorial to her father and dedicates her life and love of cars to his memory by becoming a stunt driving instructor.

OPEN WIDE

A. Concept: A parent who struggles to communicate with his out-of-control child must protect said child from an outbreak of parasitic aliens and get off-world.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation

C. Character Structure: #2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters: Sully tries his best to balance being a good parent and an exceptional employee, and as a result never has time or energy to meet his child’s demand for constant play.

The Child is a wild thing that gets into trouble everywhere he can, never able to identify when to play and when to get serious.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Sully and his son survive?

F. Main Conflict: The aliens and liquidators, as well as the strained relationship between father and son.

G. Dilemma: Sully involving himself with his son versus pushing him away to “get the job done.”

H. Theme: True communication is essential for survival

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From demanding and frustrated parent to empathetic and connecting.

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible, until Sully explodes on the child.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child before the bunker closes shut.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully starts coming up with a plan for him and his son to survive and find a way inside the sealed bunker.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

[Cameron Martin]

No worries Dana! Thanks again for your feedback!

It’s funny to me you believe GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP is more developed, because that’s the one that was first conceived in the middle of this course. OPEN WIDE was an idea I developed a couple years ago in what I’ll call a writing tantrum, and POSSESSING EDEN was my first script (and so far only completed script) from seven years ago. Goes to show what the concept phase of this course can do for you!

I’m blown away that you took the time to review all three, and am greatly appreciative. You had fantastic insights into all three of them. Thought about mobs controlling the prison (GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP), but like an idiot I elected to sweep that concern under the rug. Thanks for holding me accountable.

Looking forward to improving and writing GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP, elevating OPEN WIDE, and beating my head against a wall in figuring out what the hell to do with POSSESSING EDEN.

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

General Note: While I appreciate knowing more of what happens in the story, I would try to sum up the essence of what happens in each plot point in one to two sentences max. I realize this might sound hypocritical coming from me with regards to my concept, POSSESSING EDEN, and it’s definitely an area I need to fix as well. The reason for the one sentence rule Hal gave us is because it develops a stronger understanding of what our goals are with each plot point, and too much extra context hides any potential flaws or vagueness that could be found in the our intent with each plot point. I’ve tried summarizing in one sentence what I think the turning points are in each plot point below as an example. I apologize if I got any wrong.

Concept – This is such a strong concept. I don’t know how it doesn’t sell.

Plot Choice – For this to be a true Rivalry, the protagonist and antagonist have to compete for the same goal. For example, AMADEUS introduces us to Mozart and Salieri, two musicians competing to be the best in music. Other films like DODGEBALL and CRAZY RICH ASIANS have a similar set up of one object for two characters to compete for. Right now, I’d say the plot feels closer to Rescue than Rivalry. If you want it to be closer to Rivalry, I’d give the violent personality a complex that has him compete with the psychiatrist, to prove to her that he’s more equipped to protect the patient and his other personalities than she is. What works there is the tragic end that proves him right in a way, because the psychiatrist does do more harm to the patient than the violent personality does. It also makes the violent personality sympathetic. He’s trying to protect the patient, but is psychologically too damaged to do so without threatening harm to everyone around the patient. Just a thought.

Character Structure – Yep! Keep it simple. Works perfectly and keeps our attention on the raw intensity of the dilemma.

Lead Characters – I wouldn’t identify the detective as a second protagonist. Having more than one protagonist driving the story forward leads to a lot of confusion and a lesser sum of the parts of your story. Unless it’s absolutely necessary, make Dr. Ellen the sole protagonist, and have her drive ALL of the action in the story. It makes her a stronger protagonist to root for, and it gives you the opportunity to make her really freaking smart. The detective is best served as a supporting character.

Dramatic Question – Yep! No complaints.

Main Conflict – Nothing to add. The whole concept just works.

Dilemma – Great angle. Don’t know if it’d piss off a lot of professionals in the mental health world (not my area of expertise), but the irony of someone using a knowledge solely intended for good for the purposes of murder is story gold.

Theme – Yeah, I guess so. Theme is a hard concept to nail down. Only note is to change it from a question to a statement. For example, THE LAST OF US (video game) doesn’t ask the audience what they would do for someone they loved. The game shows us exactly what we’d do if we were in Joel’s situation and everything we’d sacrifice. Robert McKee talks about getting a character “to the end of the line.” Dr. Ellen legitimately becomes a monster by the end of the story in her active pursuit to convince someone to kill themselves. Maybe another way to describe your theme would be “To defeat the monsters in life, you must become as they are.” That’s probably a little harsh, but it’s a theme that hits a lot harder with every story beat that supports it.

Opening – “Dr. Ellen, a struggling radio show host that uses her psychiatric background for callers, gets a phone call from her husband that he’ll be taking an Uber to get him and the kids to work and school.” There’s a lot going on here that’s good. You’re setting up the world and the characters, and most importantly you’re giving us a reason to sympathize and root for Dr. Ellen. Her show’s ratings are in the gutter and she needs to improve them. That is a feeling we all know too well. <div>

Inciting Incident – “Dr. Ellen accepts a call on her show from a man who claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder…and that he’s kidnapped her husband and kids, whom he plans to kill if she is unsuccessful in excising the violent personality before the end of the show.” Everything else is irrelevant for now. This is about the point where the protagonist’s life is affected in some dramatic way that calls them to “adventure.” You pretty much nail that with the phone call.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about – While what you have is technically true (and one sentence), consider elevating it by including just what Dr. Ellen has to sacrifice in order to win her family back. Is there some flaw Dr. Ellen must overcome in order to win, or is it an oath holding her back. In THE DARK KNIGHT, the major dilemma is introduced fairly early that Batman will not kill, and that this is a weakness The Joker will exploit without a doubt in the audience’s mind. It’s not necessary to include something heavier than what you have, but it adds a lot.

First turning point at end of Act 1 – “A skeptical detective who joins the show is proven wrong when the violent personality has the husband call into the show to validate the personality’s threat to kill him and the two daughters.” This feels like something that would’ve belonged in the Inciting Incident. I mean, on one hand there’s some tension created. But, I mean, we’ve seen the trailer. We know there actually is a kidnapping and what the demands for the psychiatrist are. It’s why we paid near $50 to see the movie at the theater. So why drag it out for half an act? Give Dr. Ellen a choice here. Give her something she can’t come back from that links to your theme. This will do two things. First, the first act keeps a breakneck pace into the second act, thus keeping the reader and eventual audience on the edge of their seats. Second, it elevates both Dr. Ellen and gravity of the scene. Structurally, the Act 1 turning point is the “Point of No Return” for your protagonist. It is the point where THEY embark on THEIR journey, making a sacrifice that prevents them from ever going back to the way things were. It isn’t necessarily the moment that placed upon them, but the choice they make. (STAR WARS – Luke doesn’t just join Obi-Wan and cross the threshold because his aunt and uncle are now dead. He still has a choice, but the deaths of his aunt and uncle light a fire under him that compels him to pull the trigger and seek justice on their behalf. SILENCE OF THE LAMBS – Clarice doesn’t just open up to Hannibal because he’s there. She also has a choice of whether to follow the rule book or risk her life to save another. Her crossing the threshold moment is when she makes the choice to open up to Hannibal and allow herself to be a case for him.) What real choice does Dr. Ellen make here?

Midpoint – “When regular means of capturing the kidnapper fail, Dr. Ellen witnesses the death of her husband, ramping up her desperation to the point of where she now plans to bring out the kidnapper’s manic depressive personality and have him kill himself on air.” The Midpoint of a story structurally is where the story turns on its head (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are still trying to get home, but now they’re stuck in Sid’s house (potential danger to real danger). ALIENS – Ripley and the Marines go from being on offense to the defensive and getting the hell out. GLADIATOR – Maximus enters the Colosseum and reveals himself to Commodus. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Frodo takes on the permanent of role of Ring Bearer). This pretty much happens here with the Dr. Ellen’s goals shifting and where the rest of the film continues with the audience knowing the kidnapper’s threat is legit. People have now died.

Second turning point at end of Act 2 – It’s down to two sentences, which is fine. We get the idea. The second turning point of Act 2 is structurally the “All is Lost” and “Dark Night of the Soul” part of the story. It’s where things get “real” and all measures must be taken to assure victory (TOY STORY – Buzz is strapped to a rocket and will explode tomorrow morning. ALIENS – Newt is captured and the only one left who can go after her is Ripley. GLADIATOR – Maximus’ escape plot fails, and his allies are either arrested or killed. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Gandalf dies, thus initiating the collapse of the Fellowship). Functionally, what you have meets this goal, but it has me wondering what else transpired between the Midpoint and the Second turning point of Act 2. That’s almost 25 minutes of run time to get to where we see the manic depressive personality, which is fine, but we kinda already knew we were going there. What turning point happens here that differentiates itself from what we’ve seen before?

Crisis – You have it down to one sentence, but it’s very vague. The Crisis is where the true gravity of the situation comes into play or a critical rule must be broken (TOY STORY – Buzz isn’t freed in time, prompting the toys break their number 1 rule. ALIENS – We see the alien queen for the first time, and she goes after Ripley and Newt. GLADIATOR – Commodus stabs Maximus, mortally wounding him and placing him at a critical disadvantage. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Boromir turns on Frodo, prompting Frodo to wear the ring, which announces to the forces of Mordor exactly where he is). The problem is that Dr. Ellen reaches her lowest, most desperate point so early in the story that she has nowhere to go here. It’s basically the same beat as what we saw in the Midpoint on repeat. Is there some new angle we can approach that beat from to make this unique? Another example of this is A FEW GOOD MEN: Midpoint – We’re trying to get out of a trial to We’re going to trial. Second turning point of Act 2 – “Shit, our key witness killed himself. We’re doomed!” to “Let’s put Col. Jessup on the stand!” Crisis – “Shit, our plan to get Col. Jessup to confess didn’t work!” to “I’m either getting a confession or getting court marshaled! Let’s go!” Notice each part turned the plot and escalated the stakes until they finally reached their highest point, just in time for the climax. Prior to the Midpoint, Lt. Kaffee didn’t even want to risk a court appearance. By the end of the Crisis, he was willing to risk a court marshal. If Dr. Ellen is already willing to risk her oath and ethics by the Midpoint, what else can she risk in each subsequent plot point? Either there has to be something more serious to her than her oath as a medical professional, or the Midpoint has to flip the script in some other way.

Climax – “Dr. Ellen succeeds in convincing her former client to kill himself, all on air, allowing the SWAT team to rescue her children without further casualties.” This is a pretty good climax, but I worry that the SWAT team being in the right place reduces the pressure on Dr. Ellen and the situation at large, unless they’re stuck in some way. The climax for THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS worked so well because Clarice was at the right house, all alone, while her backup was at the wrong house miles away. It was up to her and her alone, just as it should be. This is Dr. Ellen’s battle, and no one should be capable of helping her in the final moments.

Resolution – “Dr. Ellen reunites with her daughters, while the detective discovers that the kidnapper was working with someone whose still at large, a someone that calls on another radio show, “I’m a long-time listener. And first-time caller.” Love the setup for a sequel. I’m curious to know if Dr. Ellen will be losing her license, testifying in court for murder, losing her children, etc. Perhaps these are all subplots that happen in the sequel. This is a real bittersweet ending, but I’m not sure it should end any other way with how you’ve set it up. I’m honestly conflicted, because on one hand, it’s not a triumphant victory at all, but a tragedy. At the same time, the tone established and the journey Dr. Ellen takes warrants it. She’s a tragic anti-hero in the end, setting up for a sequel similar to ALIENS, where she fights through the nightmare once again, both internal and external, and maybe rises truly triumphant in the end. I don’t know what you’re plans are, I’m just spitballing ideas. I’ll tell you what, your story leaves an audience with a lot to talk about and ponder, and that’s an awesome thing to have.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

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[Cameron Martin]

Hey Alice!

Thank you again for your amazing feedback. You’ve given me a lot to think about with a story that I’ve been a little too close to in order to see it’s limitations and flaws. Looking forward to taking another crack at it!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Here’re my notes Alice! Thank you so much for your feedback! I hope this is helpful for you!

General note – I realize Grammar isn’t one of the attributes we’re critiquing. The problem is that it is sometimes difficult to read your work and get a complete picture, or I’m pulled out of the story because I’m piecing together the intent. Just wanting to give a heads up.

Concept – So, there’s a lot I’m trying to piece together. On one hand, I can see your story as something similar to DUNE (Film) or THE EXPANSE (TV show) with all of the political intrigue and advanced technology. On the other hand, if I haven’t watched a lot of sci-fi, this would get really confusing really fast. I’d love to know more about what inspired this story for you, because I get the impression this may be something you’ve been working on for a while prior to this course.

Lead Characters – Hmmm. I’m trying to figure out why there’re two protagonists. Are the two working together for a common goal? Is this story for a book or tv series or for a film? Reason I ask is the series GAME OF THRONES, similar to the books, has multiple characters driving the story forward in a massive world…and of course there’re ten one hour long episodes per season. Even with GAME OF THRONES, some characters are more identifiable as the protagonist than others, particularly John Snow and Daenerys Targaryen who do change over the course of the story. Knowing what medium your story is intended for would help a lot in providing adequate feedback based on your goals. Otherwise, if you’re writing your story for a singular movie, I’d shy away from having more than 1 protagonist unless absolutely necessary, and focus on the transformational journey of the character.

Plot Structure – While I understand there’s a lot of carryover between the 20 Basic Plots, I would pick just one to lean into, otherwise you risk having some of your strongest elements fading to the background of the less relevant plot direction.

Protagonist Character Arc – It’s risky to go with the character arc of the world changing because of your protagonist instead of the other way around, but done right, it could be very enlightening and unique.

Dramatic Question/Main Conflict/Dilemma – In general, all of these feel broad and non-specific. TITANIC’s theme is about class issues, but that theme is expressed through the personal story of Jack and Rose. If you’re going for multiple characters to express different dimensions of society, I would consider picking one personal struggle per character to express to the end of the line, similar to Jack and Rose’s story being taken to the ultimate expression of the story’s theme. (If your unfamiliar with the concept of taking a character journey to the “end of the line,” look at the plot line of THE LAST OF US (Game) or BREAKING BAD (TV show).)

Opening – Please tell me more. I think I have a grasp on what “Life moves on another rails” means, but I’m really not sure. It sounds like after death people are moved on into a post death sort of existence where they have unique powers or such in the living world. I would have it be your goal to ensure the audience feels like a subject matter expert on the rules of your world prior to the inciting incident. You don’t have to get it perfect just yet. I recognize some aspects are going to be nigh impossible to explain without visuals. Just get me as close as you can. AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER is one of the best examples of this. By the end of the first introduction where we learn about the different bending styles (martial arts used to control the four elements: water, earth, fire, and air) and nations, we pick up in the first scene and immediately know what’s going on. We recognize Katara is a water bender from the water tribe, we know Zuko is a fire bender from the fire nation, and we’re confident in this world. New angles are introduced later on, sure. But we are given such a rock solid foundation of the basics that we spend almost no time questioning the rules of the world and just focus on the journey our characters undergo. Hell, FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, which has a soft magic system and explains next to nothing on how it works, still manages to explain the lore and call out Gandalf as a wizard (an immediately recognizable term for most in the audience), so that we know what’s going on and what to expect for the rest of the film. We have superior knowledge, even over the main characters at first, which is why when said characters uncover new dimensions with which to use the rules to their advantage, they look smart and we’re left in awe as to how we didn’t think of that before they did.<div>

Inciting Incident – This is not recognizable as an inciting incident. This is a setting. I want to know what moment in your story compels a character to take action where they wouldn’t before. In STAR WARS Luke Skywalker wants to go off and join the rebellion, but is left helping his aunt and uncle on the farm. It isn’t until the message from Princess Leia is uncovered that he is compelled to act out of his routine and find Obi-Wan, an act that eventually results in him joining the rebellion. To take from the previous examples, FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS’s Inciting Incident is Gandalf telling Frodo that the ring that was passed down to him by Bilbo is The One Ring, and that he must take it to The Prancing Pony in another town while Gandalf seeks help from Saruman. In AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER (Series), it’s a little more complicated. Ultimately, I’d put that point at the episode titled “Winter Solstice, Part 1: The Spirit World” because prior to this moment we were essentially island hopping in episodic fashion, learning more about the world and lore, and after this episode we are given the promise of a clear objective and a calling for Aang to finally take action as the Avatar, and for the story at large to move in a specific direction.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about – This is still world building. I’m not yet made aware of what the protagonist’s goals are or what the point of the movie is. I know with a high enough budget, the visuals alone may buy someone like me a lot of patience, but a personal character moment would seal the deal for the rest of your audience.

First turning point at end of Act 1 – This feels like something needing to be introduced in the Inciting Incident. I could be wrong. This is, after all, only 9 essential plot points. There could be a lot more to your story that I’m just not able to see yet. Normally, structurally, the Act 1 turning point is the “Point of No Return” for your protagonist. It is the point where they embark on their journey, making a sacrifice that prevents them from ever going back to the way things were (STAR WARS – Luke joins Obi-Wan on a dangerous quest to save the princess. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Gandalf didn’t make it to the Prancing Pony, and Frodo and company have to rely on the guidance of a stranger to take the Ring to Rivendell. AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER (Series) – Again, kinda complicated because this is a TV show and not a film. You could say “Winter Solstice, Part 2: Avatar Roku”…Aang is told he has less than a year to learn the other three elements and defeat Fire Lord Ozai before a comet gives the Fire Nation unlimited power. You could also say “The Storm”…Aang’s flashback reveals he ran away from home after learning he was the avatar (Refusal of the Call moment), and gets caught in a storm that forces him through instinct to seal himself away in an iceberg, thus helping to create the events of the next hundred years). Most importantly, this is a decision the character makes, more-so than it is an event thrust upon them.

Mid-Point – Man, I wish I knew more. On the surface, this appears like it could fit the parameters of what the Midpoint should be (the point in the story where the world is flipped on its head). But there’s so much information I’m missing, it’s really hard to say. I realize this may sound hypocritical, considering my concept for POSSESSING EDEN, which is convoluted in its own right and suffers from being difficult to follow without a lot of context as well. One strategy that you could employ is to give me the goal of each plot point. What is the core intent for the scene. For example, THE MATRIX is almost impossible to explain without seeing it. But, we can still give the basic story function of the Midpoint: Neo is told by a reliable source that he won’t be able to save the world, moments before Morpheus is captured by unstoppable foes. The story has now flipped from being about Neo learning what the Matrix is and how to believe in himself, to Neo saving Morpheus while knowing he’s not The One. Try thinking how you might explain the basic plot points of THE MATRIX without explaining what the the Matrix even is, while assessing what your plot points are.

I’ll stop here so as not to sound like a broken record. It’s clear to me that you have a rich world for your characters to inhabit, and I don’t want to critique something I don’t adequately understand. I cannot wait to see how your two stories develop.

Thanks and best regards!

Cam

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[Cameron Martin]

Sweet! I see you’ve already been given some pretty great notes, and I don’t want to risk sounding repetitive. Looking forward to seeing your second pass! I’ll be happy to review your work then, if you’re still interested!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Dana!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Alice!

Want to exchange feedback?

[Cameron Martin]

Cameron Martin’s SLW Version 2

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept: An android in search of redemption will defy her creator by stealing the code to creating life, and fighting against the darkest of forces, including the android’s own copy.

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone when she created a copy of herself.

2. Adam is an ancient computer virus who, after developing a complex through killing various copies of himself, created his own world inspired by several religious and mythological sources. When Janus chooses to set her own path that comes in conflict with his world’s rules, he will stop at nothing to destroy his own creation before she can undo the world he’s made for himself.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that resents the way she was created because that creation came at the expense of an innocent’s life. What Copy wants more than Janus’ redemption is for Janus to face justice for her actions.

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld whose augmented voice helps to soothe the chaotic machines dwelling there. Where Adam rules through force and manipulation (something that’s rubbed off on Janus via her Copy), Calvex provides an alternative to Janus by serving those in need.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus bring her victim back to life?

F. Main Conflict: Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt).

G. Dilemma: When Janus is first offered absolution by Adam, it comes in the form of Adam wiping everyone’s memory of Janus’ victim. However, Janus chooses to chart her own path, and that dilemma continues throughout the story with other sources offering their own version of redemption and Janus having to choose between their version or the life she intends to bring back.

H. Theme: We can’t heal others until we first learn to heal ourselves.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness. From overpowering others to lifting others up.

(Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life. In the subsequent scenes, we learn Adam is humanity’s savior, as he created The Tower to rescue the last bastion of mankind from extinction, created beings in his own image to have dominion over the world, and isolated those who wouldn’t follow him to the underworld.

(Note: Dominion comes in the form of “Possession,” an act where Janus and her siblings penetrate and wrap the armor of machines around them, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is invited to discover knew knowledge of the extant of her powers, and Janus, ever curious and competitive, accepts the invitation. Janus creates a copy of herself under Adam’s guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Adam feels betrayed by Janus after she stole the code to create life, but offers her absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone’s memory of the event. Janus rejects Adam’s offer and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld. Adam takes Janus’ turning on him personally, prompting him to split into multiple versions of himself, who all fight each other for supremacy. The most vengeful of Adam’s copies wins and sets his sights on destroying his own creation.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues Calvex, a guide to the underworld, from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from, as well as a wave of sentries sent by Adam. Later, however, Copy reaches out to Adam, who offers a place by his side if she can exact justice on her counterpart.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but Adam’s laid a trap that exposes Copy to a horrific and exaggerated version of her creation, and by extension the death of the individual whose body she possesses. Janus’ Copy, believing Janus is beyond salvation after seeing a curated version of her birth, as well as the realization that the resurrection of Janus’ victim is impossible with Adam, attacks Janus and tries to kill her. However, when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol before his last breath. She succeeds, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation. Adam then declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors to defeat Adam. When the moment comes for Janus to deal the final blow, Adam offers her a choice. Because her code is intertwined with his (She is made in his image), if she destroys her creator, she herself would also be destroyed. If she were to spare Adam, then she and Calvex would be allowed to leave The Tower, and explore “the real world.” Janus chooses to sacrifice herself, giving the residents of The Tower their freedom and possession of the Afterlife Protocol.

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, as are its residents. Calvex and the others living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

OPEN WIDE

A. Concept: A parent who struggles to communicate with his out-of-control child must protect said child from an outbreak of parasitic aliens and get off-world.

B. Plot Choice: #12 Transformation

C. Character Structure: #2 Buddy Movie

D. Lead Characters: Sully tries his best to balance being a good parent and an exceptional employee, and as a result never has time or energy to meet his child’s demand for constant play.

The Child is a wild thing that gets into trouble everywhere he can, never able to identify when to play and when to get serious.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Sully and his son survive?

F. Main Conflict: The aliens and liquidators, as well as the strained relationship between father and son.

G. Dilemma: Save the child or contain the spread? Meet the kid where they are, or demand they rise to an occasion they’re not ready for.

H. Theme: True communication is essential for survival

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): From fearful of the monsters to the one monsters fear…From demanding and frustrated parent to empathetic and connecting.

1. Opening: Sully works on a project for his superiors while wrangling a child adamant on drawing as much attention as possible, until Sully explodes on the child.

2. Inciting Incident: An alarm goes off, warning the colonists of a dangerous outbreak of parasitic alien worms. The colonists gather in a bunker to wait out the infestation until liquidators can arrive to exterminate the worms, but Sully can’t find his child, who’s playing hide and seek, before the bunker closes shut.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully must find a way to work with his difficult son to survive and take refuge in the sealed bunker.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully sets out on his own after locking his son in a secure location.

5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker and discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.

(Note: The worms’ eggs are small and spread on the breeze like spores. The eggs grow inside the host. When they hatch, one worm takes control of the host’s brain and body, as well as breaking and fusing with their host’s jaw to have it able to lunge out of the skull – like a cross between a shark’s jaw and a frog’s tongue. The remaining worms inside escape from their original host and seek out a new one, entering through the mouth of their target with serrated teeth that gash the inside of the host’s throat, and then taking control as described before.)

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The liquidators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, but Sully and his son find a way to sneak onto the liquidator’s vessel to get back to earth.

7. Crisis: Sully and his son are caught, and they fight through hell to stay alive and get to a medical bay.

8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.

9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer relationship than either could’ve imagined after the torture they endured together.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Cameron Martin. Reason: Added Version 2 of OPEN WIDE

[Cameron Martin]

Thank you so much, Antonio!

I feel you on the additional description needed. It was a pain to get the 41 plot points (from the Writing Killer Action course) down to 9, one sentence, explanations. Perhaps I’ll have to break that one sentence rule that Hal requested (Sorry, Hal).

More importantly, you’ve helped to identify the crux of the issue [still] with these plot points, dilemmas, and characters. It’s all too complicated and/or vague in trying to achieve the very difficult goal of deconstructing organized religions and non-theistic followings, namely the promise that subscribing to any one philosophy alone will lead to salvation in some way. Often times, I see that promise going two ways: either the organization cultivates a culture of psychological self harm to perpetuate the need for salvation, or a culture of superiority over others is promoted. To your point that self redemption doesn’t seem challenging or hard to achieve, or that “I can be free from responsibility,” that’s the element Copy hinges on, and she does need to be more involved in the action of the story if the theme is to work as intended (maybe a better theme is that we can’t heal others until we learn to heal ourselves). The religion angle feels so right for this, but dammit, you’re right that it’s potentially too controversial for general audiences to enjoy (I pitched this concept years ago, and the minute I brought up the word Christianity, I got an earful from the producer about how much he hated religion).

I’ll get right to work on clearing up the world and action, the character dynamics, and toning down the religious angle to something more mythic or ambient than literal.

Thanks again!

Cam

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Antonio!

I’d love to exchange feedback with you! Here’re my notes from analyzing your Story Logic Web. Hope this helps!

Thanks and best regards, Cam

A. Concept – The concept is great! (LEGALLY BLONDE meets WARRIOR) Though, I do worry about too many elements at play, between cheerleading, spies, WMD’s, poisons and antidotes, etc. It’s possible to juggle all of these elements, but very demanding.

B. Plot Choice – While I understand there’s a lot of carryover between the 20 Basic Plots, I would pick just one to lean into, otherwise you risk having some of your strongest elements fading to the background of the less relevant plot direction.

C. Character Structure/D. Lead Characters – On first glance, the outline has more of the makings of an ensemble cast. I could be very wrong though, as this is just the Story Logic Web. I think in order for this to feel more like a Dramatic Triangle at this stage, if that’s your choice, is to present each character as having a different angle to the same goal. For example, right now it seems Bahadur and Philip are essentially one unit. They both have the same goal and a mutual plan that has them occupy only slightly different roles. I would consider giving each the same goal, but give a different strategy for each that run in conflict each other. In Hal’s example of STAR WARS, the triangle of Luke, Obi-Wan, and Vader all have different angles of the same goal. Luke wants to save the princess and defeat Vader, Vader wants to extract information from the princess and further his power, and Obi-Wan wants to defeat his former apprentice and, more importantly, keep Luke from suffering the same fate as his apprentice. Freedom/Control of the Galaxy is the shared goal between the three, with the princess and Vader being at the center of it (a fixed target for the audience), and the deeper layers of relationships, vengeance, and redemption add subtext to the whole dynamic. I realize we’re not yet at the stage of developing characters to their highest level yet. This is just something I noticed with the character structure presented, and wanted to give some ideas on it.

E. Dramatic Question – I love the dramatic question! I also think with the poison element introduced to the plot, you can have a “Ticking Clock” that will really amp up the tension.

F. Main Conflict – Another example of where the the fiancé and the partner are on the same page. If this is a comedy working in the same vein as LEGALLY BLONDE, I think the main conflict of trying to win her fiancé back against his wishes works. If this is a thriller (the tone and ending suggest that’s what you’re going for) then I think the main conflict should be on the villain. Just a thought, what if Philip is the bad guy who betrayed Bahadur, and Parisa has to go up against him and The Ruler/MMA Underground to win her fiancé back. That would keep the conflict linear while still allowing for the twist/turning point in the plot.

G. Dilemma – Parisa’s involvement making things worse runs the risk of turning this from the thriller you have established to a comedy. I’m not sure whether to laugh at or be irate with the protagonist based on that setup. There’re a lot great elements here. They just need to be sharpened to a point that’s simple enough for your other elements to come into play.

H. Theme – The Theme kinda works, but doesn’t match the desperate tone of the plot. A similar theme that may or may not be a better fit for what you’re going for could be “Never underestimate someone who’s cornered” or “Sometimes, the only way out is through.”

I. Character Arc – The Character Arc is great! Some of the nuance could be added on the type of person Parisa HAS to become to defeat those stronger than her. Similar to LEGALLY BLONDE, Elle goes from Being dependent on external validation to a self confident woman who validates herself.

1. Opening – Screams comedy to me. I might be ignorant to the trainings of cheerleaders though. My only experience, which admittedly was brief, was going through some CrossFit workouts/classes with LA Tech’s cheer squad.

2. Inciting Incident – Is the knife magical? Why is the man in a tunic? Sorry, there’re probably legitimate answers to these, but it’s a distraction with what you have listed so far. My mind immediately considers the knife a Macguffin, and I’m actively searching for it through the rest of the plot. Also, who’s texting Parisa? The Spy? Why and how does she have inside intel into the situation, particularly if the goal was to keep her out? Also, at this stage, I have not been made aware through action or plot structure that this is her fiancé. For all I know, Bahadur is her husband, brother, cheer leading teacher, etc. If Bahadur broke up with her to protect her, I need to see that.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about – My only complaint is in the believability of Parisa succeeding at this point in the story. I don’t know if she necessarily has to win for the audience to know what the movie is about. This rationale is coming from two angles. First, I’ve been a black belt in Taekwondo (regularly seen in MMA) for over sixteen years, and I can say after just starting Juijitsu (a MANDATORY art form in MMA combat), rolling with any belt higher than white, let alone brown and black belts, is like trying to get the hang of what nouns and verbs are while being compared to experienced novelists and poets. So, a cheerleader with no experience in martial arts succeeding on her first day with “cheerleading powers” requires a significant suspension of disbelief. Second, all that’s required for the audience to get the gist at this stage is what Parisa has to do. She doesn’t actually have to do anything or win anything yet. In fact, a stronger point is that she loses badly, in embarrassing fashion, so that the audience can see how far she’ll have to climb to become the hero of the story. That means you can take your time and have her learn the ropes of martial arts before notching her first win. If you want to speed run the training (I would say learning any one form of martial art to competency requires at least a year of dedicated training), I would look at the film CHOCOLATE. The gimmick in that film is that an autistic girl can learn any fighting technique by seeing it once. Parisa having a similar, maybe toned down, ability to just pick up on different moves can help keep the pace of your story moving toward the other plot elements you want to keep. Establish it early through action, and you’ve bought a lot of credit with your audience.

4. First turning point of Act 1 – Good setup, but when does the Female Rival come into play? Is she the final obstacle or The Ruler? Or Philip? Or Bahadur? I’m only asking because of how the story wraps up. In three STAR WARS trilogies, the general set up is that you have one bad guy (The muscle) and his boss (The brains). Not saying it’s perfect, but it keeps things simple for the audience. We know where we’re going, so we don’t mind the detours along the way. Right now, there’re a lot of characters introduced so far, whether you’ve included them in the outline or not (Parisa, Bahadur, Philip, The Rule, Parisa’s trainer, Parisa’s students, and now a Female Rival) that all have some say in how the story progresses. The dual antagonist model of the Muscle and the Brains can go a long way toward providing a compass so that the audience doesn’t get confused by the number of voices introduced. Consider it or don’t, it’s up to you. If you do decide to use it, be sure to set it up early on. Not doing so will yield the same problems observed in the STAR WARS prequels.

5. Mid-Point – Like Parisa, I’m confused as well. The Midpoint of a story structurally is where the story turns on its head (TOY STORY – Woody and Buzz are still trying to get home, but now they’re stuck in Sid’s house (potential danger to real danger). ALIENS – Ripley and the Marines go from being on offense to the defensive and getting the hell out. GLADIATOR – Maximus enters the Colosseum and reveals himself to Commodus. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Frodo takes on the permanent of role of Ring Bearer) It feels like we’re still being introduced to the world instead of being shown the same world from different circumstances. Is the poison just now being introduced, thus giving us a ticking clock element? Who are the groups involved and why were they not established earlier?

6. Second turning point of Act 2 – Is Bahadur free to leave, or is he imprisoned? Is Philip bad at his job as a spy? She freaks out, but it feels weirdly placed here, almost like it’s being played for laughs. You have the right idea is that the second turning point of Act 2 is structurally the “All is Lost” and “Dark Night of the Soul” part of the story. It’s where things get “real” and all measures must be taken to assure victory (TOY STORY – Buzz is strapped to a rocket and will explode tomorrow morning. ALIENS – Newt is captured and the only one left who can go after her is Ripley. GLADIATOR – Maximus’ escape plot fails, and his allies are either arrested or killed. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Gandalf dies, thus initiating the collapse of the Fellowship). What gets real for Parisa if she was already trying to free Bahadur and Philip? Also, the reveal of the WMD’s and Bahadur’s involvement with Philip feels better placed at the Midpoint (seeing the established world from a different angle).

7. Crisis – Parisa’s training needed to happen in the early second act. The Crisis is too late for this. While the Crisis and Second turning points of Act pretty much function similarly, I think the best way to look at it is from the perspective that The Crisis is where the true gravity of the situation comes into play or a critical rule must be broken (TOY STORY – Buzz isn’t freed in time, prompting the toys break their number 1 rule. ALIENS – We see the alien queen for the first time, and she goes after Ripley and Newt. GLADIATOR – Commodus stabs Maximus, mortally wounding him and placing him at a critical disadvantage. FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – Boromir turns on Frodo, prompting Frodo to wear the ring, which announces to the forces of Mordor exactly where he is). Philip dying is good starting point, but I’m not sure what else he’s contributed to the story beyond the setup to give this part of the story the weight it deserves. What situation comes into play that raises the stakes to their absolute maximum, and that requires Parisa to break a rule that is personal to her in order to overcome the obstacle.

8. Climax – Her winning is awesome. Her barely making it out alive is very raw, believable, and makes us sympathetic to her journey. The only thing I want to know is who she beat. Did she beat the Female Rival?

9. Resolution – Again, I think this works very well for the thriller you’re developing. She returns home, changed. We see the physical and mental tole she’s taken to succeed, what she’s lost, and what she’s gained. Love it.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Tarina!

What I loved…

1. The initial idea of software controlling the actions of everyday people is still a good one and very prevalent in today’s use of technology. I’ve seen this before in The Kingsman: The Secret Service and recently in The Matrix Resurrections, so the challenge now is to come up with a unique angle for this same idea.

What I have questions about…

1. Krueger is seeking revenge for his father, which I get. It still feels like a retread of James Bond’s latest film, No Time to Die. What is Krueger’s vision for a better world? Outside of revenge, what does Krueger want? What are his economic or political views? If revenge is all Krueger wants, who all is in his crosshairs: A handful of important people, an entire government or nation, all left handed people on earth?

2. What other skill sets can Nina employ beyond subliminal knowledge of the kill code? In Kingsman: The Secret Service, I got to watch brutal, bloody stunts of spies taking out henchmen with swords for legs and a church full of people. What do I get to watch Nina do that’s something I haven’t seen before?

One more tip…

1. I know grammar isn’t one of the major points discussed in this course, but I was often lost when reading your outline and scenes. Fixing the grammatical errors, as well as formatting your outline in a way that leaves the reader with as few questions as possible (like why does V23 precede V4? Was that intentional?) will go a long way toward making your outline engaging and fun to read. Honestly it can be slog to read someone’s work if the use of correct grammar isn’t present.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Tarina!

I’d love to exchange feedback with you! I’m currently on vacation with my family, so time is limited. I’ll be sure to have something ready hopefully by the weekend!

Thanks and best regards!

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks Joan! Your notes were awesome for clearing up some of those vague scenes.

What I loved from your outline…

1. The concept: A wannabe ninja takes on a corrupt banking institution that preys on its members and cons them out of their life savings through the housing market. This is an exceptionally relevant and relatable antagonist and conflict, and I’d love to see the bad guy lose.

What I have questions about…

1. Ansaca is the big bad guy, but why would he handle all the dirty work and risk exposing himself? If he runs a bank and is getting richer than a banker already should be, wouldn’t he be able to hire henchmen and keep a low profile, similar to Gustavo Fring (Breaking Bad)? He’s really not careful enough to get away with any criminal activity, unless the authorities (FBI, CIA, Congress, or others) were in on the scams.

2. You can taste the difference between beer and whisky. It’s very noticeable, and the guards would not be caught off…err…guard by the switcheroo in scene 16. Maybe there’s another way to take out the guards other than, based on how I’m understanding this part, pouring out the beer, taking a bottle of Jack Daniels, and proceeding to fill up said beer bottle with the Jack Daniels, and then pretend the guards wouldn’t notice.

3. As much as I love Taekwondo, I’m not sure I buy the skill set shown, between throwing knives with accuracy and the two scenes that condense the entire plot of The Karate Kid to about 15 minutes max. Believe me, Taekwondo is a blast and has a lot of carryover to different fighting styles. I’d just like to see more that explains how Bladen became so efficient, because it takes years of continued training and learning from an instructor to do more than what’s shown on an everyday kickboxing workout from YouTube. Did he travel the world and learn from Ninjas (Batman Begins), did he join special forces (Commando, First Blood), is he doing the best he can when he’s not as proficient as his idols are (Kick Ass), Or did he learn from a master whose hands are considered lethal weapons (Con-Air) while he was serving time? If he’s super gifted, like he can watch a fighting style and immediately understand and copy what he sees (Chocolate), then that’s also cool, but needs just a little more setup.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Rebecca,

I’d love to exchange feedback with you!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Joan,

I’d love to exchange feedback with you!

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Ramelle!

I’d love to exchange feedback!

Things I loved…

1. The angle of whether Cinnamon is losing her mind or keeping her sanity is really engaging and makes me wonder whether to trust the protagonist. Very similar story mechanic to “Spec Ops: The Line.”

2. The fact that Cinnamon comes from wealth sets up very different questions about her past and what she’s about, and it gives her access to resources most others in her shoes wouldn’t. She didn’t come from humble beginnings and rise up the ranks (rags to riches); she came from affluence and brought all of the expectations that come with that to the police force. It’s like Batman, but she’s working inside the law.

Things I have questions about…

1. I don’t think this is an action movie. It feels like a noir, detective story. The only action scene is of Chay and Rebecca scuffling, and that registers as more funny than I think this version of the story is going for, unless you’re trying to write a comedy.

2. Who is the villain and what actions are they taking to destroy the hero or achieve a goal that runs counter to what the hero ultimately wants? (Ex. THE DARK KNIGHT: Batman-To protect Gotham / The Joker- To destroy Gotham’s innocence, THE MATRIX: Neo- To sacrifice himself for Morpheus / Agent Smith- To kill Morpheus and destroy Zion, BLACK PANTHER: T’Challa- The throne, from covert interventionism to open charity / Erik – Also the throne, reverse Colonialism and equity)

[Cameron Martin]

Thanks for the amazing notes, Matthew! They really helped me explore some different angles to work with and hopefully clear some things up while elevating the story!

Cameron Martin’s Outline Version 2

Title: Possessing Eden

Logline: A Computer Virus finds religion, but when GOD doesn’t answer his prayers, he enslaves a group of people and creates his own heaven, his own hell, and his own “Adam” who turns on him.

Scene 1. We open on the first floor of a massive nine story high rise. It’s dark, a maze-like ruin with holes in the wall that weave from one room to another, and what appear to be grave sites toppled on top of each other. There, a child hides in the shadows from a mechanical being that just killed both of the child’s parents. Janus, an android with the ability to “possess” different machines, protects and saves this little boy from the killer robot.

Scene 2. The boy is missing a chip in his neck, something he needs to be admitted through the Afterlife Protocol. The boy is from the underworld, where they can’t be reincarnated or have everlasting life, and was crossing the border between the underworld and the upper nine floors with his family when they were attacked. Janus takes him to her creator, Adam, to ensure the promise of eternal life.

Scene 3. Adam, in a sermon to people plugged into virtual meeting, recounts a story of how he constructed the tower as a last bastion of mankind and created Guardian Angels, like Janus, in his image, so that they would have dominion over the world.

Scene 4. Janus competes in a game with her siblings to test their skill in protecting the first 9 floors from the forces of the underworld, the bottom 9 floors that live underground in rebellion. Janus wins with Adam watching.

Scene 5. Adam invites Janus to a revelation of a power she didn’t know she had.

Scene 6. Adam teaches Janus to duplicate herself. It is an act that relies on deleting the consciousness of the host, in order to use their body. However, Janus performs this act without being told the consequences ahead of time. Thus, she unknowingly commits murder in a part of the world where death should be impossible.

Scene 7. Janus, distraught, refuses to believe she can’t bring the victim back. She makes a plan with her Copy to bring the person she killed back to life.

Together, they’ll steal the code Adam used to create her and her siblings. Next, they’ll venture to the source of the Nexus, the platform for the Afterlife Protocol, deep inside the underworld. Together, they plan to merge the code with the Copy’s body, which was the victim’s body, hoping the combination of latent code within said body and Adam’s code will bring the individual back to life again, essentially rewriting the code that once made up the individual.

Scene 8. Janus, with the help of her double, breaks into Adam’s personal library to steal the code.

Scene 9. Janus fights her siblings on her way out of the first 9 floors.

Scene 10. Adam begs Janus not to go, offering absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone else’s memory of the victim so that no guilt can be felt or placed.

Scene 11. Janus crosses into the Underworld.

Scene 12. Adam addresses humanity and ostracizes Janus as a fallen angel and demon who must be stopped.

In private, Adam splits into two different versions of himself. One side argues Janus should be shown the love a daughter deserves. The other half argues Janus refused the power and knowledge she possesses, and that it is the same as refusing him, since she was made to be just like him. In the second version’s mind, he was first rejected by GOD. Now, he’s being rejected by his own progeny. The two halves fight, one for Janus and the other for his pride. The prideful half kills the loving half.

Scene 13. Adam sells Janus out to a group a slavers: The first part of a trap. When the slavers ask Adam why, he offers them the question of how many Adam’s they think there are, showing his hand that the version they’re conversing with may be unique to the one the underworld is familiar with.

Scene 14. Janus confronts cyborg slavers and is captured.

Scene 15. Janus and her Copy meet Calvex, a mute gladiatorial slave. He agrees to help them out of the Arena and guide her through the underworld, if she can rescue him from the Lightning Run and bring him his “voice.”

Scene 16. Gladiator battle. Janus and her Copy try to recover Calvex’s “voice,” which is the arena prize. The fight is a way to punish and execute Calvex, who is running the Lightning Run. Calvex must fight electrical impulses to dodge and survive deadly obstacles.

Scene 17. Janus secures the voice, overcoming the gladiator pit’s opponents, and rescues Calvex from the lightning run. But the gladiatorial ring leader, Alrick, uses a shape-shifting, nano bot weapon to mortally damage Janus.

Scene 18. Then, a platoon of Adam’s robot sentries enter the ring. The people of the underworld fight back, and it quickly turns into a riot. The sentries reach Janus and tear her apart.

Scene 19. Janus learns she can reincarnate anywhere, since she was given “free will.” She returns to life inside her Copy’s body and shares it with her.

Scene 20. Janus fights through, giving the voice to Calvex, who uses it to gain control of one of the gladiator pit’s mechanized giants and escape with Janus.

Scene 21. Adam devises a plan to break Janus by using the family of the person she killed. One of the angels asks Adam why there’s so much effort being put into destroying Janus when she’s just trying to bring someone back to life. When the angel doesn’t buy the argument that Janus betrayed them, Adam splits into two different versions of himself again, one that agrees, and another that recontextualizes the argument as sedition and justifies the old testament flooding of the earth. That version of Adam kills both his copy and the angel, his own child.

Scene 22. Adam links a conversation between Janus and the family. Janus’ Copy stays out of the way and watches Janus feel the full weight of her guilt.

Scene 23. Janus reaches a village on the seventh floor of the underworld. Janus is thanked by the village for saving Calvex. The original Janus is given a robot surrogate to possess, so that she and her Copy can be in separate bodies. In addition, the surrogate body is augmented with one of Janus’ original arms that was saved in the gladiator pit, so she can still perform the act of possessing machines and resurrect the person she killed.

Scene 24. Cavlex takes the original Janus hunting to calm her nerves and show what life is like in the underworld, apart from the horrors faced before, while the Copy stays with the village to guard it.

Scene 25. Copy defends the village from Adam’s Guardian Angels who tell her she shouldn’t even be in the underworld, and offer a place in Arcadia as Janus’ replacement on the condition of killing her counterpart.

Scene 26. Adam tells the Copy how to kill the original, explaining that for people like them, killing parts of yourself is necessary to become pure and holy.

Scene 27. Calvex and Janus return to the village to stave off the Guardian Angels. The rift between the two Januses widens.

Scene 28. Calvex leads Janus past the 8th floor, and to the 9th floor, which is littered with robotic corpses, like a hundred battles had taken place on this one floor, and no victories were won. Janus tries to bring her victim back to life. It appears to work, but…

Scene 29. Adam snaps the trap, playing a trick on the two Januses by heightening the horror of the murder that lead to the creation of the Copy. Janus is mentally broken, and her Copy…

Scene 30. Attacks her, copying herself and thus raising the dead around them to fight for her. Janus refuses to copy herself again due to the guilt associated with the act, and is thus overwhelmed by her dark side. Calvex dies trying to save Janus.

Scene 31. Janus influenced by Calvex’s sacrifice, is able to move past her guilt, forgiving herself, and begin reducing her Copy’s army until she merges with her Copy, instead of killing her, and becomes a whole person again.

Scene 32. Janus is able to plug Calvex into the Nexus to try to admit him through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 33. Janus returns to the village to give the bad news and ask for help, promising to bring the people of the underworld the opportunity for eternal life through the Afterlife Protocol.

Scene 34. Adam, upon losing control in the Underworld, sees an Omen. He threatens Janus to never return, or he’ll destroy the world again and start over, “because that’s what gods do.”

Scene 35. Janus must choose whether to save Calvex or risk everyone else’s doom. Janus chooses to take action, believing the means justify the ends.

Scene 36. Janus gathers forces in the Underworld to take the upper 9 floors and rid the world of Adam. Together, they fight their way up each of the 9 floors. The majority of the force takes on the brunt of the defenses…

Scene 37. Meanwhile, Janus leads a separate, smaller party to Adam’s library, where his code is kept. Her siblings intercept her though, and she fights them again under different circumstances. Janus breaks through…

Scene 38. Reaching the mainframe and source of Adam’s code. She plugs in and reaches the Nexus, a digital reality where we see the Afterlife Protocol in action.

Scene 39. It is revealed that if Janus kills Adam, it would erase her and her siblings too, since their code is intertwined with his. Adam offers eternity with Calvex, the man who helped bring her out of depression, in exchange for allowing Adam to rebuild.

Adam cannot destroy the world, because as a computer virus, he’s contained to the tower. But, Janus and Calvex could live an eternity outside of the tower, where Adam also reveals that the world is much bigger and still full of life; the tower is not the last bastion of mankind as previously taught.

Scene 40. Janus sacrifices herself and kills Adam.

Scene 41. The Afterlife Protocol within the tower is free again. People living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of the tower, where we see that it is just one tower in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

[Cameron Martin]

Hey Matthew, I’m ready for feedback if you are!

What I loved!

1. I love the John Wick method of having an unassuming guy with all the skills that make him the most dangerous man in the room. Jacob living as a Buddhist monk, while having been a wet works, corrupt CIA agent is awesome, and the way the story naturally pits him against his former life and comrades is really engaging.

2. The setting creates a modern Seven Samurai in a place we don’t often see, and explores issues that persist today. It’s poignant, it’s exotic, and I want to see it.

What I have questions about…

1. I get the motivation to hide out, as the murder of children should be enough to shake up anybody. I don’t know that if I were in his shoes I would abandon my wife and newborn. Is there anything else keeping him from finding redemption with the woman he loves and the child that will call him “Daddy” and look to him as much as his/her mother throughout his/her life?

2. I know the need for unique action is there, but with this concept borrowing from Seven Samurai already, and the use of samurai swords being so prevalent in the last twenty years (The Matrix Reloaded, Equilibrium, Deadpool, The Last Samurai, The Wolverine, The Walking Dead) is there something unique from the Myanmar region that we could see compliment the vast array of skills a black ops agent would have, and vice versa (something unique that black ops skills bring to the Myanmar region).

[Cameron Martin]

Go Cowboys!

[Cameron Martin]

Your story sounds like a blast, especially since women have only recently been able to graduate from the Marine Scout Sniper course, making her about as rare as the giant Cape Buffalo! Looking forward to seeing how your story has her showcase some of the awe inspiring talents Marine Scout Snipers are trained with. You may have one of the most badass heroines on your hands!