Carol Paur
Forum Replies Created
-
-
Carol L Paur Hero and Villain
What I learned by doing this lesson is I probably am in the wrong class. I also feel my idea is cliche. And I didn’t do improved answers because I had all I could do to finish this exercise.
Concept: An environmental scientist must stop terrorists from infiltrating the world’s water supply
Hero Morally Right: Protect the water while saving the planet
Villain Morally Wrong: Destroy water and destroy the planet
Hero: Davis
A. Unique Skill Set: Intuitive scientist; Japanese weapons expert – especially with the chigiriki: the Japanese mace
B. Motivation: To stop the terrorists from poisoning the water systems
C. Secret or Wound: Widow who neglected her daughter in grief
Villain: Chagro, a widow of a terrorist who wants to destroy the world in revenge because her husband was executed.
A. Unbeatable: She has unlimited resources, owns her own island and people to do her bidding
B. Plan/Goal: Destroy the water supply and kill anyone who tries to stop her.
C. What they lose if Hero survives: Chagro will lose her life and everything her husband worked for.
Impossible Mission: Davis has to stop Chagro to save the earth
A. Puts Hero in Action: Chagro sends assassins to shoot at Davis, bomb her car, chase her in river and finally fights her –
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: Davis investigates where Chagro is and the damage that can be done all while avoiding assassination and bombing attempts.
C. Destroy the Villain: Stopping Chagro from poisoning the world’s water supply – then fighting Chagro to her death.
-
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” I don’t know much about water.
Concept: An environmental conservation scientist, who is on leave for cancer treatment, is brought in by world governments to save the five largest water supplies of the world.
Conventions
Hero: The scientist is depressed and losing hope as she undergoes cancer treatment but is brought in to stop bio-terrorists from destroying major water supplies of the world.
Demand For Action: She must stop who is doing this before they kill her.
Mission: To stop the bio terrorists from destroying the world’s water supply.
Antagonist: A terrorist group who had their leader killed and politicians who don’t think this is a threat so don’t want to put forth the money.
Escalating Action: Vitriolic meeting before congress, car explosion intended for her, detonating a bomb that would release toxins in the air which would destroy the water supply, boat chase on Arakawa River (Japan),
-
1. Name: Carol L. Paur
2. How many scripts you’ve written? (30 plus)
3. What you hope to get out of the class? I am starting a script inspired by a WWII book and hope this class inspires me to get it written. I am trying to contact the author but so far have had no luck.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I’m a published children’s author who recently signed a contract for another book.
-
1. Your name: Carol L. Paur
2. The words “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
-
LOGLINE: A young woman tries to stop a YouTuber from haggling with market venders in Kathmandu.
ESSENCE: Earthquakes have a way of bringing people together.
What I learned doing this lesson is I am a corny romantic!
EXT. KATHMANDU MARKET – DAY
Noise and people populate the background of MARCUS KELLY’S YouTube movie as he walks through the markets of Kathmandu. He’s in his 30, has brown curly hair, tan skin, and a chubby baby face. Who could refuse this man?
He stops and looks at the camera.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, everybody! I’m in Kathmandu at Ason Tole. Take your mind back 1,500 years ago and you’ll find yourself at the beginning of this ancient market. Today, I’ll walk you through on to how to get the cheapest prices for anything you want.
He walks to a stall selling trekking socks. A WOMAN (60s), wearing a winter coat, but clearly Hindu with her red bindi dot on the forehead and scarf around her head, smiles and nods.
Marcus faces the camera.
MARCUS KELLY
Here we have a Hindu woman selling trekking socks. You need them when climbing the Himalayas. Can you see them behind me? Kathmandu is in a valley surrounded by these vast mountains.
He grabs a pair of socks wrapped in cellophane.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey! How much?
WOMAN
(heavy accent)
Two-thousand.
MARCUS KELLY
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you? How much?
WOMAN
Two-thousand.
MARCUS KELLY
Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have that kind of money on me. How about 500?
The woman shakes her head.
WOMAN
One thousand nine-hundred.
MARCUS KELLY
Five-fifty or I walk away. Do you want the people watching this to think you’re trying to rip off an American?
CARLEY(late 20s), with red hair and freckles, watches. She’s wearing a white veil along with a sari covered with a ragged coat. On her feet are Uggs that look to have been passed down from several generations. Her big toe pokes out of one of them.
She grabs Marcus by the lapel.
CARLEY
Do you want your two precious viewers to think you’re ripping off these poor souls?
MARCUS KELLY
Cut!
He backs away.
MARCUS KELLY
I’m sorry, but I have over five million viewers.
CARLEY
Five million? Are you sure they’re viewers and not bots?
MARCUS KELLY
Ha, ha. How many viewers do you have? Oh, pardon me, you’re just some beggar woman harassing people trying to do their JOBS.
CARLEY
Pay the woman what she wants or put the socks back.
MARCUS KELLY
Or what? Little Redheaded Hindu girl is going to, what? Kick me with her Uggs that are older than civilization?
Carley kicks him.
He jumps and grabs his shin.
MARCUS KELLY
Ouch! Don’t you cut your toenails?
CARLEY
You told me to kick you.
MARCUS KELLY
Come on, let’s go. I’m taking you over to the nuns over on Navjoti. They’ll feed you and give you boots that are less dangerous.
CARLEY
No! Just stop this horrible episode. You’re ripping off these people. Ada here is taking care of her grandchildren, who lost their parents in the earthquake. She’s a widow. You’re robbing her of her only income.
The earth begins to tremble. Carley falls into Marcus’s arms. They look into each other’s eyes.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, get this on camera.
Carley backs away.
The tremor stops.
CARLEY
No! No cameras. Why don’t you buy those socks at full price? She could buy groceries for two weeks with that income.
CAMERA-MAN (O.S.)
Roll film.
Carley turns toward the CAMERA MAN, and tries yanking the camera from him.
CARLEY
No, no. I can’t be on television.
MARCUS KELLY
Ah, you’re a criminal. Hey, Pulisa! Pulisa!
RABIN and PURU, Nepali policemen, appear. They smile at Carley.
RABIN
Sist…
Carley shakes her head and puts her finger to her lips.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, guys, I’m sorry to bother you since you’re busy, but this beggar is harassing me. I think she’s a criminal.
Rabin and Puru chuckle loudly and walk away, shaking their heads.
Marcus squints his eyes.
MARCUS KELLY
Are you related to them? That’s why they were about to call you sister. Or! Or! Yeah, I got it. You’re working undercover.
Marcus motions to the camera man.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, roll the camera again. Let’s follow this so-called undercover pulisa.
The camera turns toward Carley, who rushes over and knocks it down.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, that wasn’t cheap.
CARLEY
How can I be undercover if your two viewers see my face?
She bends down, picks up the camera, turns it off, and hands it to the Camera man.
MARCUS KELLY
Look at how many viewers I have, and they’re not robots!
CARLEY
Fine. Just stop ripping off these people and telling others how to do it.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, I lived in an orphanage, too. I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps. My life was tough. Maybe even tougher than most of these people.
CARLEY
Save it, Marcus. I read your best seller.
MARCUS KELLY
They sell my book here?
CARLEY
No, I pulled it out of the trash at the airport.
The earth trembles again. They fall into each other’s arms. Again, they stare at each other. In a moment, they kiss each other passionately.
MOTHER SUPERIOR walks by and sees them.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I hate when we lose our novices to YouTubers.
-
QE 6 First Draft
LOGLINE: A YouTube sensation roams the streets of Kathmandu teaching his followers how to wheel and deal when a young woman stops his efforts.
ESSENSE: There’s something more important than pleasing your YouTube Followers.
EXT. KATHMANDU MARKET – DAY
Noise and people populate the background of MARCUS KELLY’S YouTube channel as he walks through the markets of Kathmandu. He’s in his 30, has brown curly hair, tan skin, and a chubby baby face. It’s a face most women can’t refuse.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, everybody! I’m in Kathmandu at Ason Tole, one of the oldest markets in the city. We’re going to learn how to wheel and deal.
He walks to a stall selling trekking socks. A WOMAN (60s), wearing a winter coat, but clearly Hindu with her red bindi dot on the forehead and scarf around her head, smiles and nods.
Marcus picks up a pair of socks.
MARCUS KELLY
How much?
WOMAN
(heavy accent)
Two thousand.
MARCUS KELLY
(indignant)
Two-thousand? The package is ripped. The socks were probably worn already. How about 500?
The woman shakes her head.
WOMAN
One thousand nine-hundred.
MARCUS KELLY
Five-fifty.
A young woman (late 20s), with red hair and freckles, watches. She’s wearing a white veil along with a sari covered with a ragged coat. On her feet are Uggs that look to have been passed down from several generations. Her big toe pokes out of one of them.
She shakes her head, purses her lips, and folds her arms.
CARLEY
Marcus Kelly, what are you doing, ripping off these people?
MARCUS KELLY
Cut! Do you mind? I’m under deadline.
Carley takes the socks from Marcus’s hand and carefully sets them back in the woman’s hands.
CARLEY
He doesn’t need these.
She turns to Marcus.
CARLEY
Give her some money.
MARCUS KELLY
What? Not unless I get those socks.
CARLEY
She is taking care of her grandchildren, who lost their parents in the earthquake. She’s a widow. This is her only income.
Marcus grabs the socks.
MARCUS KELLY
I’m not giving her any money until I get these socks.
CARLEY
They cost two-thousand. That’s only 20 American dollars. Come on, I know you have more than that on you.
CAMERA-MAN (O.S.)
Roll film.
Carley turns toward the CAMERA MAN, and tries yanking the camera from him.
CARLEY
No, no. I can’t be on television.
MARCUS KELLY
Right, Hindu women aren’t allowed on television.
Carley turns toward Marcus.
CARLEY
For acting so worldly, you’re really stupid. Hindu women can be on television, but I can’t. Now give the woman her money if you want the socks.
Marcus motions to the camera man.
MARCUS KELLY
Let’s go. We’ll cut that part.
They walk for a moment and stop as a booth selling backpacks.
MARCUS KELLY
Roll camera.
Marcus picks up a pink backpack with the Disney Frozen characters plastered on it.
MARCUS KELLY
What do you think? Pretty snazzy.
He turns toward another HINDU WOMAN (50s) with a nose piercing.
MARCUS KELLY
How much?
HINDU WOMAN
Five thousand.
MARCUS KELLY
(outraged)
Five thousand.
Carley has followed them.
CARLEY
That’s fifty bucks, Marcus. Pay up.
MARCUS KELLY
Oh, great, Mother Teresa has followed me. Tell me, Mother, how much should I pay this woman? More than five thousand? Should I send her children to school? How about I adopt this entire street and build them all a home?
The camera turns toward Carley, who rushes over and knocks it down.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, that wasn’t cheap. I’m going to call the police on you.
CARLEY
The police are my friends. You, on the other hand, could spend a month in jail and they wouldn’t care.
She bends down, picks up the camera, turns it off, and hands it to the Camera man.
CARLEY
Sorry about that. It’s fine. Just keep it off me.
MARCUS KELLY
Where’s all that compassion you were showing five minutes ago?
CARLEY
Marcus, you’re judging me? This is Ama. Her husband died last year, and she has just found out she has breast cancer. Marcus, give her the money for that backpack.
MARCUS KELLY
How do you know all this about these people?
CARLEY
I care for them. Who do you care for?
MARCUS KELLY
Marcus Kelly. I lived in an orphanage, too. I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps. My life was tough. Maybe even tougher than most of these people.
CARLEY
Save it, Marcus. I read your best seller.
MARCUS KELLY
They sell my book here?
CARLEY
No, I pulled it out of the trash at the airport.
MARCUS KELLY
Okay, Big Red, where’s your stall? What are you selling?
CARLEY
I gotta go. Bye, Marcus. Why don’t you do something different for your YouTube? Maybe focus on the troubles of these people instead of exploiting them.
She runs away.
EXT. KATHMANDU MARKET – MONTHS LATER
Marcus is going through the stalls. People shake their heads and shrug their shoulders.
Marcus finally ends up at a small, dilapidated building with a sign that reads – Sisters of Charity. Carley, wearing plain clothing and carrying a small suitcase, steps out and bumps into Marcus.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey! Finally. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I need to thank you!
He plops a kiss on her lips. She backs away and swipes her face. Marcus stares at the building.
MARCUS KELLY
(shocked)
Are you a…a…nun?
CARLEY
Novice. Well, not anymore. Once your YouTube went viral Mother Superior thought I might be happier outside the convent.
MARCUS KELLY
You got kicked out because of me?
CARLEY
Maybe. Mother Superior heard me talking in my sleep. I kept saying, “I love you, Marcus Kelly.” But I really don’t.
MARCUS KELLY
I’m sorry I got you kicked out. What are you going to do now?
Carley shrugs.
MARCUS KELLY
Hey, I’ve been helping these people like you told me to. Maybe you can join me.
Carley smiles.
CARLEY
Marcus, you do care about someone else besides yourself.
-
Carol Paur’s Rewrite Cycle #5
What I learned is take each line of dialogue to see where you can add more of the character’s traits.
Logline: A woman who tries to help a man stay out of prison is convicted herself.
Essence: Don’t cheat to help others.
EXT. SUPER VALUE MOTEL – MORNING
BRANDY, in her 60s, with heavy lines on her tanned face, her dried-out blond locks swooped up into a messy ponytail, exits Room 505 but re-opens the door and looks in.
BRANDY
(singing)
You light up my life!
She blows a kiss.
BRANDY
I’ll see you tonight.
She is lugging a large tote bag and marches down the steps to enter her Nissan.
INT. NISSAN
Brandy’s phone beeps.
BRANDY
Hope it’s the newspaper wanting an interview. About time they start paying attention to me.
She taps it on.
BRANDY
Yeah. Jail? You better be hung over on smoothies. I work my fingers to the bone for you. I was up all night after my party taking care of all the details for your run for Mr. Hunk.
She looks back at the hotel room and grins.
BRANDY
You stole Jake Reynolds’ crown? He showed up at my party wearing it. Can you believe that? Brought a whole entourage of celebrities to my humble little abode. I hope People Magazine was covering it.
She pauses.
BRANDY
Let me see if I can talk some sense into those people down there. A few white lies won’t hurt anyone.
INT. PO-DUNK JAIL – DAY
PHILLIP, a handsome man in his 60s, is sitting on a cot in a jail cell, when an OFFICER pushes in another INMATE. Phillip stands up and gestures to the cot.
PHILLIP
Please, have a seat. It’s not very comfortable. The bathroom is over there.
He points to the sad toilet in the corner.
INMATE
Humph.
The Inmate lies down on the cot.
PHILLIP
(grins)
What brings you in here?
INMATE
(Grunts)
PHILLIP
What do you have to do to get a decent meal around here? I’m in a contest. Judges are going to know right away if I’m off my diet.
INMATE
(Grunts)
PHILLIP
I don’t eat carbs. They add flab. You know I used to be fifty pounds heavier. It was Twinkies. I sneaked them in between meals and late at night.
INMATE
I’m not a damn priest.
Phillip pats his washer-board stomach then looks at the floor, wet and filthy.
PHILLIP
I’m also going to need some kind of mat so I can do my calisthenics. I didn’t do them this morning. I can feel the Twinkie flab starting to grow back on me.
INMATE
(Grunts)
Phillip arches his eyes and looks out the cell into the desolate hallway.
PHILLIP
Don’t you know who I am? I do commercials for Scrubbie-Clean Dentures. I don’t have dentures so… Well. They wanted a tan, fit male model. You’re not going to rat me out, are you?
INMATE
I’m trying to sleep.
BRANDY (O.S.)
Oh, where is he? He’s not getting beaten up or raped, is he? I’ve worked my fingers off the bones to get him where he is today.
Brandy appears and pushes her arms through the cell.
SOUND: Wolf whistle.
Brandy smiles, waves, and bows deeply before diverting her attention back to Phillip.
Phillip locks his fingers into Brandy’s. They try smooching through the bars. They separate.
PHILLIP
I’m feeling horrible. Did you get the stuff I needed?
BRANDY
Oh, yeah, he had tons of mousse and spray tan. And the shampoo? You’ll be the best looking contestant on stage…as long as this little arrest doesn’t get publicized.
PHILLIP
How could they even think I’d steal Reynolds’ crown? Me? I mean, I have been lusting after it for some time. All those jewels. Is envy the same as stealing?
BRANDY
Phillip, I’ve been working day and night to make sure you win this contest. You’ll get your own crown, you don’t have to envy anyone else’s piece of head-jewelry. I wish I had had someone helping me when I had gone out for Ms. Glamor. Nope. I wasn’t the right type the managers told me.
PHILLIP
Can’t you talk to someone? This place is terrible. I’m not guilty. How could they even think it was me? Then they locked me up with these…
He looks over at the inmate, snoring away on his cot.
BRANDY
I’ll take care of everything.
INT. POLICE STATION – CHIEF’S OFFICE
MARY PIPPENS, in her 40s, types away at the computer, when Brandy opens the door and enters.
MARY PIPPENS
Processing is down the hall.
Brandy sits in a chair and smiles. Mary frowns.
BRANDY
I was over 50 by the time I could afford my own computer.
MARY PIPPENS
You have 30 seconds to tell me why you’re here or I’ll have ten cops all over you.
BRANDY
(excitedly)
Really? All over me? I used to be a showgirl over at Harry’s Gentleman’s…
MARY PIPPENS
Twenty, 19…
BRANDY
I’m Phillip Sander’s manager for the Mr. Hunk beauty contest. I only pick the winners, you know. Well, I didn’t help Ryan Reynolds. I wasn’t good enough for him.
MARY PIPPENS
Ten, nine…
Phillip didn’t steal that crown. We run an honest operation, you know. There’d be no stealing under my watchful eyes.
MARY PIPPENS
Do you have any idea who would have stolen it?
Brandy looks taken aback.
BRANDY
No. I had a party last night. Mr. Reynolds was at my house. Can you believe that? This famous actor who would have nothing to do with me last year came to my house. He was wearing the crown.
MARY PIPPENS
Jake Reynolds was at your place?
BRANDY
Yeah. I had a party.
MARY PIPPENS
What time did Jake Reynolds leave your party?
Brandy winks.
BRANDY
Well, he sort of stayed around. You know, I had to keep him happy.
Mary Pippens stands up.
MARY PIPPENS
You have the right to remain silent…
BRANDY
No, wait! I was just…
Mary Pippens ignores her and clamps on the handcuffs.
INT. WOMEN’S PENITENTIARY BRANDY’S CELL – DAY
Brandy sits on her bed, forlorn. Her hair is fully gray. The orange jumpsuit enhances her sallow complexion. Phillip is led to her cell by a WARDEN.
Brandy jumps up.
BRANDY
Phillip! Where have you been? Did you get my letters? I never heard from you.
PHILLIP
I’m sorry. Once I won the Mr. Hunk contest, my life got very busy and complicated.
BRANDY
You couldn’t even write me one letter? The loneliness. The sense of abandonment. And all I did for you.
PHILLIP
(nods)
Yeah. You did sacrifice a lot for me. But wasn’t Mr. Scrubbie-Clean Denture Guy worth it? The guilt did poke at me a little. I almost started back on the Twinkies.
BRANDY
No, not the Twinkies! All I did for you to get away from that addiction. (Beat) Did they ever find the culprit?
PHILLIP
It was you, wasn’t it? I knew you could put me before you. You shouldn’t have.
BRANDY
I didn’t!
PHILLIP
They found the crown in your house. Sorry, Brandy, I have to go. My new manager put me on a stricter regimen.
BRANDY
New manager?
PHILLIP
What was I supposed to do? Good luck, Brandy. You’ll be out soon. Maybe Harry’s will hire you, but you better cover up all that gray.
-
LOGLINE: Woman comes to aid of man arrested for stealing the crown from last year’s winner of the Big Hunk Beauty Contest only to be arrested for the crime.
ESSENCE: Cheating to help others only gets you in trouble.
EXT. SUPER VALUE MOTEL – MORNING
BRANDY, in her 60s, with heavy lines on her tanned face, her dried-out blond locks swooped up into a messy ponytail, exits Room 505 to head toward her 1998 Nissan. She climbs inside.
INT. NISSAN
Brandy’s phone beeps.
BRANDY
Who’s calling me this early?
She taps it on.
BRANDY
Yeah. Jail? For what?
She pauses.
BRANDY
He was at my party all night, then we ended up, well, you know. I have to keep past contestants happy.
She pauses.
BRANDY
Okay, I’ll be down there.
INT. PO-DUNK JAIL – DAY
PHILLIP, a handsome man in his 60s, is sitting on a cot in a jail cell, when an OFFICER pushes in another INMATE. Phillip stands up and gestures to the cot.
PHILLIP
Please, have a seat.
INMATE
Ain’t ever had that happen before.
The Inmate sits down.
PHILLIP
(grins)
Don’t worry, I won’t be here that long.
BRANDY (O.S.)
Oh, where is he? He’s not getting beaten up or raped, is he?
Brandy appears and pushes her arms through the cell.
SOUND: Wolf whistle.
Brandy smiles and bows deeply before diverting her attention back to Phillip.
Phillip locks his fingers into Brandy’s. They try smooching through the bars. They separate.
PHILLIP
Did you get the goods?
BRANDY
Oh, yeah, he had tons of mousse and spray tan. You’ll be the best looking contestant on stage…as long as this little arrest doesn’t get publicized.
PHILLIP
I told them I didn’t do it.
BRANDY
You talked to them? You should have waited for your lawyer. No more talking until Shirly arrives.
She looks around at the other inmates and catches the eye of a younger, good-looking man, and winks. He smiles back.
BRANDY
See me in another 10 years and we’ll get you winning Mr. Hunk Beauty Contest. But you got to stay out of jail.
She gives Phillip a meaningful stare.
INT. POLICE STATION – CHIEF’S OFFICE
MARY PIPPENS, in her 40s, types away at the computer, when Brandy opens the door and enters.
MARY PIPPENS
Processing is down the hall.
Brandy sits in a chair and smiles. Mary frowns.
BRANDY
Must be great to be in charge of this whole place.
MARY PIPPENS
You have 30 seconds to tell me why you’re here or I’ll have ten cops all over you.
BRANDY
(excitedly)
Really? All over me?
MARY PIPPENS
Twenty, 19…
BRANDY
I’m Phillip Sander’s manager.
MARY PIPPENS
Manager. Hmm.
BRANDY
He didn’t steal that crown. I know Phillip. He’d never do anything like that.
MARY PIPPENS
Do you know who did steal it?
Brandy looks taken aback.
BRANDY
No. I had a party last night. Brent was at my house. There was no way I’d know that.
MARY PIPPENS
Brent Kohlman was at your place?
BRANDY
Yeah. I had a party, then, well, Brent and I went for a drive. You know. Then, well…
MARY PIPPENS
So you took him for a drive.
BRANDY
He took me for a drive.
MARY PIPPENS
Then what happened?
BRANDY
Well, I don’t expect you need to know the rest.
Brandy winks.
BRANDY
Let’s just say it was a lot of fun.
Mary Pippens stands up.
MARY PIPPENS
You have the right to remain silent…
INT. PRISONER VISITING ROOM – DAY
Brandy, in prison orange, is led inside a room, with a large glass window. On the opposite side is Phillip, looking old and haggard. Brandy and Phillip pick up their respective phones.
BRANDY
Phillip? It’s been years. Did you ever win the Mr. Hunk Beauty Contest?
PHILLIP
I sure did. About time they selected someone from the other side of the tracks. How’s prison life?
BRANDY
They let me do a talent show every month. The inmates love it because it gives them something to do. I love it because of the attention. I still got it in me.
She does a little tap-dance step.
BRANDY
I still don’t know who set me up.
PHILLIP
That’s why I’m here. I’m a total wreck. My life is destroyed.
BRANDY
Why? You must be a celebrity.
PHILLIP
Of course, but the guilt makes me do strange things, say strange things.
BRANDY
Guilt? I told you to stop obsessing over eating a little ice cream here and there.
PHILLIP
I have fitness equipment to deal with that. No, this is worse.
BRANDY
Worse than ice cream?
PHILLIP
I took Brent Kohlman’s crown and knocked him off.
BRANDY
You took Brent’s crown? Do you know how much those things cost?
PHILLIP
(eyeroll)
Of course, I won my own the next year.
BRANDY
So you have two crowns?
PHILLIP
I didn’t do it for the crown, Brandy, I did it for you.
BRANDY
So I could live in prison for the rest of my life?
PHILLIP
You were so in love with Brent, you couldn’t see that I was in love with you.
BRANDY
This is how you treat the people you love?
PHILLIP
I deserved you, Brandy, not Brent. He was a sleazebag.
BRANDY
I picked you up at a strip bar, Phillip. Before that, you were a professional shoplifter. My mother warned me about you.
Phillip coughs and stands up.
PHILLIP
Ah, I feel so much better. Thanks for listening. When does your next appeal come up?
BRANDY
Not until 2024.
PHILLIP
Oh, well, at least you have an audience who will watch you. Bye. I have to get ready for my wedding.
BRANDY
Wedding?
PHILLIP
You never married me, Brandy, so I had no other alternatives. Enjoy prison life.
-
Carol Paur’s Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s fun adding all these different techniques to your story.
Logline: A thwarted author and ex-wife invites her ex-husband to her estate to kill him.
Interest technique ideas: Suspense, Major Twist, Surprise, More interesting setting (Unusual statuary), Mislead/Reveal, Superior Position / Dramatic Irony, Uncertainty — hope / fear, Intrigue, Mystery, Cliffhanger, Dilemma, Something unseen, CHARACTER, DIALOGUE
Scene:
EXT. FIELD – DAY
Bees are humming. CAROL (in her 50s), in full beekeeper’s outfit, works with her bees, humming. She sets the top of one of the hives onto the ground and walks away. She’s the picture of serenity.
EXT. CAROL PAUR’S ESTATE – PATIO
Carol, serves tea to JEROME ROSS (handsome, 40s). He looks appreciatively around the beautiful grounds.
JEROME ROSS
I never get tired of this place. When you decide to sell, let me know.
CAROL PAUR
So you can be buried in the graveyard out back?
Jerome shivers a bit.
JEROME ROSS
So, we haven’t talked in a few years.
CAROL PAUR
Wasn’t my fault.
Jerome shifts in his chair.
JEROME ROSS
Well, it all worked out for you in the end.
CAROL PAUR
I almost lost this place. Annie did all she could do to find me a new publisher.
JEROME ROSS
Oh, good-ole Annie. How is she these days?
CAROL PAUR
Annie was the one who convinced me to write less violent books. In her mind, the books you wanted were not quite the right vibe for me.
JEROME ROSS
It got you famous. (Beat) I wouldn’t say Heavenly Mercy was a tome of peace.
CAROL PAUR
But the book ended in harmony.
JEROME ROSS
By having the antagonist attacked by killer bees?
Carol pours more tea into their cups. She nudges a cookie plate toward Jerome.
CAROL PAUR
You were always afraid of bees, weren’t you?
In answer, Jerome pulls out his epipen, then tucks it back into his pocket.
CAROL PAUR
How’s your…let’s see…fourth wife these days?
JEROME ROSS
I want to know how Jerome Junior is doing.
CAROL PAUR
I suppose since you never bother to visit him, you’d like me to give you a report. He’s in his second year of medical school. He met a girl. They’re going to wait to get married.
She laughs a little conspiratorial laugh. Jerome lifts up his cup to his lips.
CAROL PAUR
But, they’re still making wedding plans. He asked me if they should invite you.
Jerome sets the cup down and leans forward.
JEROME ROSS
Well, what did you tell him?
Carol abruptly stands up.
CAROL PAUR
Let’s go check out the vineyard. That was your favorite part of the estate.
JEROME ROSS
No, no, it was the wine cellar.
Jerome follows his ex-wife down from the patio into the estate grounds. The path is filled with macabre statues of death and horror – think gargoyles, skeletons, and the grim reaper. Jerome is freaking out.
JEROME ROSS
When did you acquire these?
CAROL PAUR
I do a lot of research, you know. I don’t just come up with the ideas in my head. It requires travel and interviews, and visits to museums or shops of antiquity. It doesn’t seem right to glean all that information without buying something and bringing it home. (Beat) Let’s go visit the graveyard. It’s my favorite place. So peaceful.
JEROME ROSS
I thought we were going to the vineyard.
CAROL PAUR
(vaguely)
It’s on the way.
They walk for a while then stop at a wrought-iron fenced-in graveyard, with old stones marking the final resting place of the dead. Over on one side is a double stone.
CAROL PAUR
There’s the one Daddy bought for us as a wedding gift. He was hoping that it would keep you faithful.
Jerome laughs uncomfortably.
JEROME ROSS
I suppose he’s buried here?
Carol points to an obelisk.
CAROL PAUR
You missed the funeral. Oh, wasn’t that on the same day as your nuptials with bride number three?
Jerome says nothing. Carol walks away. Jerome follows.
POV – Camera zooms in on the gravestone of Carol and Jerome’s. It has Jerome’s date of birth as well as date of death – August 30, 2021.
JEROME ROSS
I don’t remember this being the path to the vineyard.
CAROL PAUR
I had the gardener clear it since it’s a shorter distance.
They walk for a short while until they come upon the beehives, twelve of them. One of them is missing its top. Bees swarm around it.
Jerome steps back but falls. Soon he’s covered with bees. Jerome screams.
CAROL PAUR
(sighs)
Oh, I forgot you’re deathly afraid of bees.
She smiles an evil grin.
CAROL PAUR
You should have paid more attention to Heavenly Mercy. There were clues everywhere in my book.
Out of the clearing steps ANNIE, six-feet tall, in her sixties.
CAROL PAUR
(shocked)
Annie?
Annie stops, pulls off a face mask to reveal ARNOLD.
ARNOLD
You killed Annie. You didn’t like how she was directing your career. You’re under arrest for the murder of Annie Roberts, Ted Smith and…
JEROME ROSS
Help!
Arnold runs over to Jerome, pushes away the bees. Jerome is having a hard time breathing.
CAROL PAUR
(disdainfully)
He has an epipen in his pocket.
She runs away. Arnolds finds the pen, shoots Jerome, and lets him drop.
ARNOLD
911 is on the way.
Arnold runs through the estate, spies Carol, gets close and jumps her. They roll in the grass and end up with Carol on the bottom and Arnold on top. Carol smiles up in Arnold’s face, panting. He’s panting, too, but grim.
CAROL PAUR
I haven’t had this much fun in a long time. Arnold, are you sure you want to arrest me? We could bury Jerome in the cemetery. No one would know any better.
Arnold leans down to give Carol a long, passionate kiss, in which she responds full-heartedly. He lifts his head.
ARNOLD
I’ve been your biggest fan.
Sirens are heard in the background.
ARNOLD
Too bad you left too many clues in your books.
He stands and pulls Carol up and handcuffs her.
ARNOLD
Maybe we should get married and we’ll have conjugal visits in prison.
-
Carol Paur’s Reveal
What I learned doing this assignment is there is much to hide and much to reveal.
Demand: Barbara wants to go out for their anniversary.
Cover-up: Raymond says he can, but his boss tells him later that he can’t because he has to attend a KKK party.
Reveal: Barbara finds her husband at a KKK event with hookers and men wearing their white robes.
Logline: A wife, looking for her husband on their anniversary, finds him in the arms of a young prostitute.
INT. FRANK MILLER’S OFFICE – RAYMOND’S INNER OFFICE – DAY
Raymond works at his desk. The phone rings.
MARY (O.S.)
Mr. Peterson? It’s your wife.
Intercut between Barbara and Raymond
INT. PETERSON KITCHEN
INT. RAYMOND’S INNER OFFICE
BARBARA PETERSON
The Bishop invited us to his home tonight.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Happy anniversary honey.
BARBARA PETERSON
Oh! Our anniversary. (Beat) Sometimes I wonder if you’re married to me or to Frank?
Raymond grimaces.
BARBARA PETERSON
Sorry. That was cruel.
Raymond says nothing.
BARBARA PETERSON
Raymond are you still there?
Raymond nods.
RAYMOND PETERSON
(whisper)
Yeah.
BARBARA PETERSON
Maybe we could go out to dinner and stop by the Bishop’s house. It’s not too far from the Cathedral.
RAYMOND PETERSON
(to himself)
Or our offices.
BARBARA PETERSON
You know where the Bishop lives?
RAYMOND PETERSON
You know I’m not thrilled with all this. Letter writing. Protesting. It hardly seems fitting for our family situation.
BARBARA PETERSON
Family situation? What does that mean?
Johnny comes running into the kitchen wearing sheets.
JOHNNY PETERSON
Daddy, robe!
Barbara crouches down to Johnny’s level.
BARBARA PETERSON
Johnny, where did you get those sheets?
POV Raymond – listening.
JOHNNY PETERSON (O.S.)
Daddy, robe.
Raymond rolls his eyes.
BARBARA PETERSON (O.S.)
Johnny, go put those sheets back on your bed.
INTERCUT
INT. KITCHEN
INT. RAYMOND’S OFFICE
BARBARA PETERSON
I don’t get it. He’s been doing that so much lately. Do you know why? Did you dress up like a ghost or something?
RAYMOND PETERSON
Johnny will be Johnny. Why don’t we have a quiet dinner at home?
BARBARA PETERSON
I’m home all the time. How about a picnic? It’s beautiful. Maybe we could drive over to Mt. Hood. There are some beautiful spots there.
RAYMOND PETERSON
At night?
BARBARA PETERSON
Why not? I’ll pack some candles. It’ll be romantic. I’ll drop the kids off at mother’s. We’ll have the night to ourselves.
Raymond smiles.
INT. RAYMOND’S OFFICE
Frank enters Raymond’s office and glowers at him. Raymond looks up.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Okay. I’ll be home early, say four?
He hangs up the phone.
FRANK MILLER
Four? Did you ask to leave early?
RAYMOND PETERSON
It’s my anniversary.
FRANK MILLER
(sarcastically)
Ah, happy anniversary. Tell your wife you’ll take her out some other time.
He turns on heels and marches out the office.
FRANK MILLER
(to himself)
Too bad you’ll be dead.
INT. FRANK MILLERS HOUSE – NIGHT
The doorbell rings. Raymond and Bonnie step away. No one answers it. Raymond pulls out his wallet and gives her some cash.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Take Moe and get out of this town. Next time we meet, you better be running for president of the United States.
The doorbell rings again, more persistently. One of the Klan members, fully dressed, drunk, and oblivious to the dangers of opening the door while in costume, opens the door. He leers at Barbara and reaches for her as if she’s an item on a store shelf.
Bonnie hugs Raymond.
Barbara gapes in shock as she takes in the spectacle of robed men before her. Then she sees Bonnie and Raymond, and her eyes explode at the sight.
BARBARA PETERSON
Raymond!
Raymond and Bonnie separate quickly.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Barbara. I thought you were at home.
BARBARA PETERSON
You told me you’d be home by four. Now I know why you’re late.
-
Carol Paur’s Character Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment was I needed to get deeper into Raymond’s personality. He was flat.
Raymond: Reserved, intelligent, worried, deceptive
Barbara: Compassionate, driven, strong sense of justice, adventurous
Frank: Controlling, self-serving, charming, misogynist,
Bishop: insightful, joyful, humble, manipulator
Raymond/Barbara (Rapport): Raymond won’t say anything while Barbara is effusive in conversation
Raymond/Barbara (Conflict) Raymond is worried about what people think of them having a Down syndrome son, Johnny. Barbara is compassionate and is proud of their son.
Raymond/Barbara (Contrast): Raymond wants to keep a low profile in the community; Barbara seeks justice at every turn and is not afraid to be in the public eye.
Raymond/Barbara (Competition): Raymond thinks his job as a lawyer is enough for the family without drawing attention to them; Barbara enters the fight against the KKK despite her husband’s reticence.
Raymond/Barbara (Subtext): Raymond fears his wife Barbara is going to discover his forced membership in the KKK; Barbara wishes her husband would be more vocal on important issues.
Raymond/Frank (Rapport): Frank often has the upper hand when Raymond and Frank are together.
Raymond/Frank (Conflict) Raymond worries about his membership with KKK while Frank thinks he’s being a wimp.
Raymond/Frank (Contrast): Frank is a charmer while Raymond is reserved.
Raymond/Frank (Competition): Frank lusts after Raymond’s wife, Barbara; Raymond is worried Frank will seduce Barbara
Raymond/Frank (Subtext): Frank plays Raymond like a marionette puppet.
Raymond/Bishop (Rapport): Bishop notices something is not right with Raymond
Raymond/Bishop (Conflict): Bishop wants Raymond to let his wife be more involved
Raymond/Bishop (Contrast): Bishop is joyful while Raymond is worried
Raymond/Bishop (Competition): Bishop is taking Barbara’s time away from Raymond
Raymond/Bishop (Subtext): Bishop suspects something is not right with Raymond; Raymond wants to avoid the Bishop at all costs.
Raymond: Reserved, intelligent, de-sensitized from war, deceptive
Barbara: Compassionate, driven, strong sense of justice, adventurous
Frank: Controlling, self-serving, charming, misogynist,
Bishop: insightful, joyful, humble, manipulator
I changed Raymond’s worried to de-sensitized from the war.
Raymond/Barbara (Rapport): Raymond often walks away or falls asleep when Barbara is speaking which infuriates her.
Raymond/Barbara (Conflict) Raymond is worried about what people think of them having a thinks Johnny, their Down syndrome son, should be placed in an institution. Barbara is compassionate and is proud of their son and wants him to stay with the family.
Raymond/Barbara (Contrast): Raymond is hardened after serving the war and just wants to avoid conflict: Barbara seeks justice at every turn and is not afraid to be in the public eye.
Raymond/Barbara (Competition): Raymond thinks being a lawyer is a good way to hide from society; Barbara thinks people have a moral obligation to right the wrongs of society.
Raymond/Barbara (Subtext): Raymond deceives Barbara by secretly being a member of the KKK.
Raymond/Frank (Rapport): Frank often has the upper hand when Raymond and Frank are together. Raymond, de-sensitized to the ravages of war, allows Frank to intimidate him.
Raymond/Frank (Conflict) Raymond is trying to figure out how to get out of being in the KKK without Frank finding out.
Raymond/Frank (Contrast): Frank is a charmer while Raymond is reserved.
Raymond/Frank (Competition): Frank lusts after Raymond’s wife, Barbara; Raymond does little to discourage this behavior.
Raymond/Frank (Subtext): Frank plays Raymond like a marionette puppet. Raymond seems to allow it but is working behind Frank’s back against the KKK.
Raymond/Bishop (Rapport): Bishop notices something is not right with Raymond, who says he’s struggling after serving in the war.
Raymond/Bishop (Conflict): Bishop wants Raymond to let his wife be more involved against the KKK; Raymond doesn’t want any more attention on his family, especially since he’s working with KKK.
Raymond/Bishop (Contrast): Bishop is joyful despite the events unfolding in their city; Raymond, living a duplicitous life, is cranky and unpleasant.
Raymond/Bishop (Competition): Bishop is taking Barbara’s time away from Raymond
Raymond/Bishop (Subtext): Bishop suspects something is not right with Raymond; Raymond wants to avoid the Bishop at all costs.
-
Renee,
Good job portraying these two women and letting the story unfold. However, I felt the pacing was a bit slow, and I was looking for more Interest Techniques. I also felt that Maxine’s outburst at the beginning didn’t seem to fit her personality. Granted, I’m guessing you were trying to build in a hook, but as I read the scene, Maxine seemed too calm for that. In fact, for a while I thought it was Renee. I had to go back and re-read that. It ended up being very interesting in the end. A bit of a cliff hanger. Thanks for sharing.
-
Carol Paur’s Rewrite
What I learned is that you can always add more Interest Techniques, and it’s important to keep your character within his/her traits.
LOGLINE: THE PRINCIPAL LOSES HER JOB AT THE CATHOLIC SCHOOL WHEN IT’S DISCOVERED SHE’S A THIEF.
Essence: Vengeance has its paybacks.
Traits-Renee
– Prissy
– Devious (Changed to Pious)
– Outgoing
– Conformist
Subtext: Renee is a pious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
TRAITS – MAXINE
– Tricky
– Snobbish
– Paranoid
– Emotionally Wounded
INT. ST. ALBERT SCHOOL – TEACHERS’ LOUNGE – DAY
RENEE (50s), dressed in high-end fashion more fitting for a NYC modeling agency than a Catholic school, opens the refrigerator and pulls out lunches, opens them up, and takes items out of them and puts them in a large brown bag. She puts some of the containers back but puts some in her brown bag as she continues going through lunches.
MAXINE, in her 30s, modestly dressed but stylish, enters. Renee slams shut the fridge door and goes to a table and sits.
Maxine pulls out air deodorizer and sprays the room.
RENEE
What are you doing?
MAXINE
This place always stinks.
RENEE
How can I eat my lunch with that rancid smell of lilies?
MAXINE
Better than the stench that was in here.
Maxine opens the fridge, finds a lunch container, and takes it to a table at a different end of the room.
Renee makes a public display of making the sign of the cross before opening the brown lunch bag.
RENEE
I see you haven’t registered for the employee picnic. It’s a great way to interact with your fellow teachers.
MAXINE
Since you-know-what happened, no one wants to be around me.
RENEE
You’re overreacting. Besides, this is a great way for others to see you in a different light.
Maxine has tuned her out as she looks in her lunch bag.
MAXINE
That’s strange. I packed a banana peanut butter sandwich, but it’s not here.
RENEE
(scoffs)
I’m not even sure my two dogs would eat that.
MAXINE
That sandwich cost me ten bucks. I finally shop at Whole Foods. Where do you shop, Renee?
RENEE
Is that why you don’t donate to our St. Albert’s fund?
MAXINE
I thought our contributions or lack of were kept in confidence just like other things around here.
RENEE
I am the principal. I have to do what’s best for the school.
FATHER HORACE, 60s, enters. He walks up to Renee.
RENEE
Father. Today is Tuesday. Wednesdays is your lunch with the teachers.
She looks at her watch.
RENEE
Strange, I wonder why there are no teachers in the lounge.
FATHER HORACE
Nice outfit, Renee.
She laughs, a small, timid laugh.
RENEE
Father, you don’t strike me as a man interested in women’s clothing.
MAXINE
Especially since he took the vow of poverty.
Renee looks at Maxine.
RENEE
Maxine, why are you the only teacher in the lounge?
FATHER HORACE
Where did you get the earrings, Renee?
Father points at Renee’s ears.
Renee grabs her ears.
RENEE
At the store, where else?
FATHER HORACE
How much did you pay for them?
RENEE
I didn’t think I needed a receipt!
FATHER HORACE
I got an anonymous tip that you help yourself to things that don’t belong to you.
Renee laughs.
RENEE
Father, really! I’m a principal of the Catholic school. What type of role model would that be for my students? Maybe we should focus on other people around here.
She gives Maxine a meaningful glare.
FATHER HORACE
Renee, I don’t think role models break the seventh and eight commandment.
RENEE
What?
FATHER HORACE
Stealing and spreading malicious gossip about one of your teachers.
RENEE
I was only trying to protect the school.
FATHER HORACE
By stealing lunches and besmirching your teachers? Pack up your stuff. Oh, wait, pack up the stuff you’ve probably stolen.
Maxine watches.
RENEE
What? I’m not going anywhere!
SECURITY enters.
FATHER HORACE
Check that bag.
Security takes Renee’s brown bag and opens it.
MAXINE
Check for a banana peanut butter sandwich.
He rifles through it and pulls out a wrapped sandwich.
SECURITY
Is this is?
MAXINE
Yes. I’ll take my earrings, too. As soon as they’re sanitized. Father, do you mind taking them off Renee?
Father reaches, but Renee slaps his arm.
RENEE
I’ll do it myself. They were just on the window sill.
MAXINE
In my classroom, next to my bag, which is missing its wallet.
FATHER HORACE
Come on, Renee. We’re driving you to the station. We didn’t want the police in front of the school.
Renee looks at Maxine as she leaves the break room.
RENEE
I suppose you’re going to be the new principal?
MAXINE
You have more things to worry about than who is leading this school.
-
LOGLINE: THE PRINCIPAL LOSES HER JOB AT THE CATHOLIC SCHOOL WHEN IT’S DISCOVERED SHE’S A SHOPLIFTER
Essence: Vengeance has its paybacks.
INT. ST. ALBERT SCHOOL – TEACHERS’ LOUNGE – DAY
RENEE (50s), dressed more for a modeling agency than a Catholic school, heats up her lunch. MAXINE (30s), plain and simple, enters with her lunch bag. Renee arches her eyebrows.
RENEE
Maxine. I…
MAXINE
Father Horace said it was okay.
RENEE
But I’m the principal.
MAXINE
I thought what I told you was in confidence.
The microwave beeps. Renee touches her dish but flinches. She finds a towel and grabs the steaming entre from the microwave.
RENEE
This is a Catholic school. We have standards.
Maxine reaches for the microwave, but Renee blocks her way. It’s as if they’re playing basketball and Renee is keeping Maxine away from the hoop.
MAXINE
Father has been helping me. I see a therapist, too. If I was in a public school it’d…
RENEE
This isn’t a public school. I take my role as principal very seriously and we can’t have teachers who were, who were…
MAXINE
Say it, Renee. Say it loud for the world to hear because the entire school knows. Everyone avoids me as if I have Covid.
RENEE
You need to leave now before I call security.
On cue, SECURITY enters along with FATHER HORACE.
FATHER HORACE
Welcome back, Maxine.
MAXINE
It feels good to be back, Father.
RENEE
What the devil is going on? I make the hiring and firing decisions around here.
FATHER HORACE
Do you? Nice outfit, Renee.
She steps back.
RENEE
How does that have to do with anything?
FATHER HORACE
Where you get the earrings, Renee?
Father points at Renee’s ears.
Renee grabs her ears.
RENEE
At the store, where else?
FATHER HORACE
How much did you pay for them?
RENEE
I didn’t think I needed a receipt!
FATHER HORACE
I got an anonymous tip that you help yourself to things that don’t belong to you.
Renee laughs.
RENEE
Father, really! I’m a principal of the Catholic school. What type of role model would that be for my students? We should be focusing on Maxine.
FATHER HORACE
That’s the seventh commandment – stealing. And the eighth is all about spreading gossip about your neighbor.
RENEE
I was only trying to protect the school.
FATHER HORACE
By besmirching Maxine? Pack up your stuff. Oh, wait, pack up the stuff you’ve probably stolen.
Maxine watches.
RENEE
I’m calling my lawyer.
FATHER HORACE
You’ll need one when the detective gets a hold of you.
Renee looks at Maxine as she leaves the break room.
RENEE
Welcome back to St. Alberts.
Renee, Father, and the Security Guard leave.
MAXINE
It’ll be so much better without you, Renee.
-
Rewrite Slime PIckings
Carol L. Paur
EXT. PREIKESTOLEN, NORWAY – DAY
It’s the final round of the reality television show – Slime Pickings.
Near the edge of the cliffs stand the final two contestants.
NANCY (50s and pudgy) stands next to a table with Slime ingredients along with bags and boxes of unidentified supplies. Next to her is SQUIRE (30s, Black, handsome) standing next to his table with Slime ingredientsalong with bags and boxes of unidentified supplies . Both are wearing black spandex bike pants with bright t-shirts that read Slime Pickings. RALPH, the show’s moderator, faces them.
RALPH
We are now down to the final round. Why did the other contestants fail, Nancy leaving you and Squire still here?
NANCY
(smirks)
If I told you, I’d have to kill you. Besides some people don’t know the intricacies of making slime.
SQUIRE
Come on, Nancy. You’ve been holding out on me.
NANCY
Squire, you never told us what happened to your girlfriend’s slime.
Squire weakly smiles but then flutters his big brown eyes. Nancy rolls hers.
SQUIRE
She’s gone now, Nancy, it’s just you and me, baby.
NANCY
Don’t you know I’m old enough to be your mother?
SQUIRE
Oh, but you’re such a hot cougar.
NANCY
Can he get away with that on national television? Maybe I’ll have to check with my lawyer.
Ralph clears his throat.
RALPH
This final episode requires that… you two work together.
Nancy looks shocked and horrified. She points her finger accusatorially at Squire.
NANCY
No! Did you see what he did the last round? Uh no!
SQUIRE
Nannnncy! Come on baby! Let’s get together and make some slime!
Nancy steps away from her table, shaking her head.
NANCY
I can’t work with this guy. Nope. I’m done.
RALPH
Are you willing to kiss away one million dollars?
Squire gets on his knees and crawls over to Nancy, kissing her hand. She yanks it away.
NANCY
Do we have to share the money?
Ralph nods. Nancy thinks for a moment.
NANCY
Could we make it two million?
RALPH
You read the contract.
SQUIRE
Marry me, Nancy! We’ll pool our riches.
NANCY
That’s if we win. What did happen with your girlfriend?
SQUIRE
Naaaancy, it don’t matter no more. It’s you and me. We can do it.
RALPH
You will only have ten minutes to create your Slime. Remember, it must be smooth, non-sticky and stretchable.
Nancy glowers at Squire who waves at the camera and gives a kiss.
RALPH
Are you ready?
Squire scurries to his feet and nearly knocks down Nancy.
NANCY
I don’t need you, Squire. Just let me do my stuff.
RALPH
You gotta work together. If the judges see you working alone, you’ll automatically be disqualified. On your mark, get set, go!
A massive digital timer counts down the minutes. Squire picks up the glue bottle and tips it over the bowl.
NANCY
No! I never put the glue in first. I thought you were watching me the last time.
SQUIRE
We only have ten minutes.
He pours it into the bowl.
NANCY
(shrieking)
No! You’re going to ruin everything.
She rips the bowl away. Glue spills everywhere, even on them. Nancy takes paper towel and swipes out the bowl. She then pours water into it.
NANCY
Water, first, Squire. Follow me not your ex.
SQUIRE
That’s not how I learned.
NANCY
You’re going to deny cheating?
Squire takes the can of shaving cream and presses the lever. Foam oozes into the bowl.
NANCY
Hey! Did I tell you to put the shaving cream in? Baking soda comes next. Where is it?
They scramble through the different bags and boxes searching for baking soda. Meanwhile the shaving cream deflates.
SQUIRE
I found it.
He opens the box and pours the entire contents into the bowl, making it explode, coating Nancy’s face and body. She falls to her knees, swiping her face with the back of her arm, barely removing the mess.
NANCY
Milly! There goes your cancer treatment.
RALPH
Seven minutes.
Nancy stands up and swipes her face with paper towel. She then cleans out the bowl again.
NANCY
Get the water!
Squire grabs the water pitcher and pours.
NANCY
That’s too much.
RALPH
Six minutes.
SQUIRE
We don’t have time.
He takes another box of baking soda and stirs it in with the water.
Nancy grabs the can of shaving cream and pours it in. She begins to stir it with her hands.
NANCY
The important part is to knead it.
SQUIRE
Knead it? You haven’t added the glue.
He grabs the glue bottle and opens it when a howling wind comes off from the cliffs. The glue coats Nancy.
RALPH
Four minutes.
A flock of birds swoop overhead. One flies into Nancy and gets stuck. She throws herself onto the ground, wrestling with the bird.
Meanwhile, Squire continues kneading the slime, letting it slip from his hands into the bowl.
RALPH
Help your teammate, Squire, or you’ll be disqualified.
Squire tries pulling the bird off Nancy, but manages only to fall into the foray and get stuck. They roll back and forth, getting closer to the edge of the cliff.
Nancy manages to heave her body off from Squire and the bird and rushes over to the table. Squire nearly falls down the cliff but manages to stand up and run to the table.
In a panic they add more ingredients, stir, knead, add more ingredients, stir, and knead.
RALPH
Times up! Hands up in the air.
Squire and Nancy lift up their messy, dripping hands.
Ralph and the camera people walk over to the slime bowl to see a glopping mush.
RALPH
I’ve never seen so much action in a slime competition.
SOUND: BUZZER
RALPH
But I’m afraid this is not Slime Pickings! You will not walk away with a million dollars
Nancy and Squire pick up some of the slime and throw it at Ralph.
-
Logline: Nancy and Squire are thrown together in a slime making competition.
Essence: Nancy and Squire sabotage their team building.
EXT. PREIKESTOLEN, NORWAY – DAY
It’s the final round of the reality television show – Slime Pickings.
Near the edge of the cliffs stand the final two contestants.
NANCY (50s and pudgy) stands next to a table with Slime ingredients. Next to her is SQUIRE (30s, Black, handsome) standing next to his table with Slime ingredients. RALPH, the show’s moderator, faces them.
RALPH
We are now down to the final round. Nancy, how did you do it?
NANCY
(smirks)
If I told you, I’d have to kill you.
SQUIRE
Come on, Nancy. You’ve been holding out on me.
NANCY
Squire, stop trying to seduce me. I don’t rob cradles.
SQUIRE
Oh, but you’re such a hot cougar.
NANCY
Can he get away with that on national television? Maybe I’ll have to check with my lawyer.
Ralph clears his throat.
RALPH
This final round requires that… you two work together.
NANCY
No!
SQUIRE
Yes! Now I get to see your moves.
Nancy steps away from her table, shaking her head.
NANCY
I can’t work with this guy. Nope. I’m done.
RALPH
Are you willing to kiss away one million dollars?
Squire gets on his knees and crawls over to Nancy, kissing her hand. She yanks it away.
NANCY
Do we have to share the money?
Ralph shakes his head. Nancy thinks for a moment.
NANCY
Could we make it two million?
RALPH
You read the contract.
SQUIRE
Marry me, Nancy! We can pool our riches.
NANCY
That’s if I can win with you.
RALPH
You will only have ten minutes to create your own recipe for Slime. Remember, it must be smooth, non-sticky and stretchable.
RALPH
Are you ready?
Squire scurries to his feet and nearly knocks down Nancy.
NANCY
I don’t need you, Squire. Just let me do my stuff.
RALPH
You gotta work together. If the judges see you working alone, you’ll automatically be disqualified. On your mark, get set, go!
A massive digital timer counts down the minutes. Squire picks up the glue bottle and tips it over the bowl.
NANCY
No! I never put the glue in first. Who taught you how to make slime?
SQUIRE
We only have ten minutes.
He pours it into the bowl.
NANCY
(shrieking)
No! You’re going to ruin everything.
She rips the bowl away. Glue spills everywhere, even on them. Nancy takes paper towel and swipes out the bowl. She then pours water into it.
NANCY
Water, first, Squire.
SQUIRE
That’s not how I learned.
NANCY
You never told me who taught you.
Squire takes the can of shaving cream and presses the lever. Foam oozes into the bowl.
NANCY
Hey! Did I tell you to put the shaving cream in? Baking soda comes next. Where is it?
They scramble through the different bags and boxes searching for baking soda. Meanwhile the shaving cream deflates.
SQUIRE
I found it.
He opens the box and pours the entire contents into the bowl, making it explode, coating Nancy’s face and body. She falls to her knees.
NANCY
Milly! There goes your cancer treatment.
RALPH
Seven minutes.
Nancy stands up and swipes her face with paper towel. She then cleans out the bowl once again.
NANCY
Get the water!
Squire grabs the water pitcher and pours.
NANCY
That’s too much.
RALPH
Six minutes.
SQUIRE
We don’t have time.
He takes another box of baking soda and stirs it in with the water.
Nancy grabs the can of shaving cream and pours it in. She begins to stir it with her hands.
NANCY
The important part is to kneed it.
SQUIRE
Kneed it? You haven’t added the glue.
He grabs the glue bottle and opens it when a howling wind comes off from the cliffs. The glue coats Nancy.
RALPH
Four minutes.
A flock of birds swoop overhead. One flies into Nancy and gets stuck. She throws herself onto the ground, wrestling with the bird.
Meanwhile, Squire continues making the slime.
RALPH
Help your teammate, Squire, or you’ll be disqualified.
Squire tries pulling the bird off Nancy, but manages only to fall into the foray and get stuck. They roll back and forth, getting closer to the edge of the cliff.
Nancy manages to heave her body off from Squire and the bird and rushes over to the table. Squire nearly falls down the cliff but manages to stand up and run to the table.
In a panic they add more ingredients, stir, kneed, add more ingredients, stir, and kneed.
RALPH
Times up! Hands up in the air.
Squire and Nancy lift up their messy, dripping hands.
Ralph and the camera people walk over to the slime bowl to see a glopping mush.
RALPH
I’ve never seen so much action in a slime competition.
SOUND: BUZZER
RALPH
But I’m afraid this is not Slime Pickings!
Nancy and Squire pick up some of the slime and throw it at Ralph.
-
Carol L. Paur’s Max Interest 2
What I learned doing this lesson is that my script needs more Maximum Interest techniques, and I was able to apply them in my script.
Logline: Raymond Peterson and Frank Miller climb Mt. Hood in winter.
Essence: Frank Miller wants to intimidate Raymond to show him who is in control.
FADE IN:
INT. RAYMOND’S MIND – MOUNT HOOD – NIGHT
Raymond screams, rain pummeling him as he dangles off the cliffs of a mountain. (HOOK and PREDICTION)
EXT. MOUNT HOOD – MOMENTS LATER
Back on Mt. Hood, Raymond remains inert while FRANK MILLER, a vigorous fifty-year-old, confidently adjusts his 1920 aviator goggles. He growls at the mountains, brazenly ignoring the swirling snowflakes and whistling wind warning of impending doom.
FRANK MILLER
Don’t dally there, Peterson. Work is waiting.
The powerful wind shuts Raymond’s eyes, and he quakes.
RAYMOND PETERSON
The job description said nothing about mountain climbing.
Frank stops to look at Raymond with disdain.
FRANK MILLER
Thought you were a Flying Ace. (MYSTERY – What’s a Flying Ace? How does Frank know about this?)
RAYMOND PETERSON
It was either that or let the Germans kill me.
Frank begins walking again – with a slight limp.
FRANK MILLER
At least you got to serve. A little mountain should be nothing for you.
He turns and grins an evil Jack-o’-lantern smile. Then he resumes marching up the mountain as if in a race.
FRANK MILLER
Scaled Machu Picchu right after Bingham discovered it. No survivors of that lost civilization.
(PREDICTION OF SOME FUTURE)
Raymond ignores Miller’s comments and trudges forward. In the background is some rumbling. (SOMETHING UNSEEN).
Frank, stops, inhales deeply; Raymond looks around.
FRANK MILLER
Mountains – school of life. They teach you a whole lot more than what you learn in a courtroom.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Courtrooms are fine with me.
Frank scowls, but marches forward.
FRANK MILLER
Mountains are living breathing entities. They do what they want to do. No humans can get in their way. (PREDICTION)
In the distance slow slides down toward them. AVALANCHE. (HOOK)
RAYMOND PETERSON
(shouting)
Don’t you think we should find some cover?
FRANK MILLER
Face your terrors. (PREDICTION)
The snow careens closer. They’ll be dead in moments if they don’t move out of the way.
INT. RAYMOND’S POV
A grove of trees not far away.
EXT. MOUNT HOOD – MOMENTS LATER
The avalanche is dangerously close. Raymond tackles Frank, shoving him into the trees seconds before the snow strikes the very spot where they were just standing. When the snow clears, Frank stands up, brushes himself off.
FRANK MILLER
Trying to be the big hero again?
-
Homework Lesson 12
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is writing down the goal, need, values, and wound of the character brings the scene to life. Also, asking these questions: 1. What is the journey my protagonist is on? 2. Who am I challenging in this scene? 3. How can I have this scene challenge my protagonist or their steps in completing this journey? brings the scene into great focus and helps me keeps in mind the original intent of the movie so I don’t stray. I think this is powerful stuff.
Goal – to hide her terrible eating
Need – to look like she has her life in control by eating healthy food
Values – She values having her family think highly of her.
Wound – She was raped as a young woman but has never told her family.
A. Current Scene Logline: Karen tries to hide the junk food from her health-conscious daughter.
B. Essence: Karen wants to show that she is in control of her life by making healthy food choices
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges. Cola spills all over the kitchen floor. She chokes on a piece of hot dog as her daughter enters. Mustard splatters on the magazine.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge.
The original scene has Karen successfully hiding the food away just in time before her daughter, Francis, arrives. The rewrite will have Karen spilling mustard and cola all over and choking on a hot dog when her daughter arrives, who had to do the Heimlich. When the hot dog pops out, Karen is busted.
Scene 2:
Goal – support her eldest daughter as she runs a marathon
Need – To be a good mother
Values – Her relationship with her daughters
Wound: Her mother did nothing when her husband, Karen’s step-father, abused her.
A. Current Scene Logline: Karen and the family go to their daughter/sister’s Francis’s marathon.
B. Essence: The two non-running girls are bored but Karen wants to be a unified, supportive family.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges. Girls won’t get out of car. Runners scowl at the family. Girls argue loudly. Henry wants to give in to them so he won’t be embarrassed. Henry and Karen argue over this. Francis tells them all to leave if they can’t behave.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. Instead of the family going to see Francis, they all argue and create a scene. It starts with Cheryl and Gretchen refusing to leave the car. Then they argue loudly in front of everyone. Henry steps in and says they should let the girls stay home. Karen and Henry argue. They go to the car and pout. Francis is sad.
-
Carol Paur Full-out Characters
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is pushing myself to go deeper into character traits and subtexts makes my characters more interesting and gives me more to work with in terms of dialogue.
Raymond from Compulsory
Current description: A WWI Vet who works at a law firm and feels threatened by his boss.
Core traits: Compliant, caring, smart, insecure
Subtext: Raymond feels less of a person than his wife.
New description: A WWI Vet who can’t see his way out of joining the KKK.
New traits: Intelligent, loving, compliant, anxious
New subtext: Raymond was discharged from the army because his anxiety prevented him from shooting Germans during a battle.
Cecelia from Halfway There
Current description: A woman who lost her job and boyfriend takes a job at a group home for the mentally ill.
Core traits: Superficial, pleasant, popular, self-absorbed
Subtext: Cecelia is fighting her own struggles with anxiety and guilt of her father’s suicide.
New profile
New description: An overweight woman who loses her job and boyfriend at the same time takes a job at a home for the mentally ill.
New traits: Pleasant, insecure, creative, fanatical
New subtext: Cecelia believes she’s the reason her father committed suicide.
Ruby from Ruby’s Race
Current description: An African turtle unhappy with her life in the swamp.
Core traits: dedicated, caring, slow, bumbling
Subtext: Ruby wishes she was like Carrots
New description: An African turtle running a rehab facility in the swamp for injured animals.
Core traits: Caring, dedicated, slow, furious
New subtext: Ruby resents her dull life.
-
Carol’s QE2 Rewrite Exchange
LOGLINE: JOHN MEETS UP WITH NICK.
Essence: John and Nick threaten each other, but John has the upper hand.
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH
JOHN, an adult Secretary Bird, jogs in the hot sun through the grassy land when NICK, a poisonous Puff Adder snake, slithers in his path and rises up in striking position. John abruptly stops, lifts his powerful foot, then halts, leaving his foot in the air.
JOHN
Nick! Didn’t expect you out here in this hot weather.
NICK
You, of all birds, should know that the heat of the day is when I do my best work.
Nick’s forked tongue moves in and out. John’s foot wavers in the air.
JOHN
And you save nighttime for Carrots?
NICK
I need a lift. Slithering in the grass is tough work.
JOHN
Forget it.
John turns away only to have Nick strike. John is quick and stomps his foot onto Nick, holding him captive.
JOHN
You do know your species loses every time it goes against my species, right?
NICK
Huh! Relatives. You know I left home after Mom complained about my tattoo.
John notices the I(heart)NYC tattoo on Nick’s lower torso.
JOHN
But you’re certainly not a loner. I see the crowd you hang with. You’d be better off moving back in with Mommy.
NICK
At least I have friends.
John winces, and lifts his foot off Nick, who slithers slightly away from John.
JOHN
I thought you would have eaten your buddies by now. Who would have guessed your best friends are an escapee rabbit and a beaver from Wisconsin?
NICK
Ah, Carrots.
Nick hisses in appreciation.
NICK
Carrots makes all the creatures in the animal kingdom wish they were rabbits.
JOHN
You know she’s probably more interested in the beaver, what’s his name?
Nick rises again and tries to strike John, who backs away carefully.
NICK
So, John, why are you out here, now? You usually jog in the early morning. You ain’t looking to join our little friend group, are you? Maybe you could participate in our book study.
JOHN
I didn’t know you were literate.
NICK
Ha ha. We’re reading, “Civilizing Africa.”
JOHN
That would mean getting rid of the Puff Adder.
NICK
So, you gonna give me a ride or not?
JOHN
What else do you talk about at book study?
NICK
What we talk about at book study stays in book study.
Nick sets his torso down in the grass.
NICK
You can tell Ruby she’s not going to beat Carrots.
John takes his leg and kicks Nick into the air.
JOHN
Here’s the lift! I’ll relay your message to Ruby.
-
QE Cycle #2 Scene
Logline: John tries to learn from Nick of Carrots’ plans for her race against Ruby.
Essence: Nick is hiding information that John wants.
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH
JOHN, an adult Secretary Bird, jogs in the hot sun through the grassy land when NICK, a poisonous Puff Adder snake, slithers in his path. John abruptly stops, lifts his powerful foot, then halts, leaving his foot in the air.
JOHN
Nick! Didn’t expect you out here in this weather.
NICK
This is my favorite time of day. Hey, can I hitch a ride?
John eyes the Puff Adder, waving his torso back and forth in striking pose. John slowly sets his foot down but raises it again.
JOHN
You do know your relatives avoid me, right?
NICK
Huh! Relatives. You know I left home after Mom yelled at me for my tattoo.
John notices the I(heart)NYC tattoo on Nick’s lower torso.
JOHN
But you’re certainly not a loner. I see the crowd you hang with.
NICK
At least I have friends.
John winces, sets his foot down only to lift the other.
JOHN
I thought you would have eaten them by now. Who would have guessed your best friends are an escapee rabbit and a beaver from Wisconsin?
NICK
You talking about Carrots?
Nick hisses in appreciation.
NICK
Carrots makes all the creatures in the animal kingdom wish they were rabbits.
JOHN
You know she’s probably more interested in the beaver, what’s his name?
NICK
So, John, why are you out here, now? You usually jog in the early morning. You ain’t looking to join our little friend group, are you? Maybe you could participate in our book study.
JOHN
I didn’t know you were literate.
NICK
Ha ha. We’re reading, “Civilizing Africa.”
JOHN
That would mean getting rid of the Puff Adder.
NICK
So, you gonna give me a ride or not?
JOHN
What else do you talk about at book study?
NICK
What we talk about at book study stays in book study.
Nick sets his torso down in the grass.
NICK
You can tell Ruby she’s not going to beat Carrots.
John takes his leg and kicks Nick into the air.
JOHN
Here’s the lift! I’ll relay your message to Ruby.
-
Rewrite of QE Cycle 1
EXT. AFRICAN SWAMP – DAY
ROBERT, a beaver, swims, dragging an oversized, neon pink Hippo Manicure set up to TRENT, a male hippo.
ROBERT
There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you. I got you the perfect gift.
Trent looks at the Hippo Manicure set.
TRENT
Hey, just what I was looking for! Does it come in black?
ROBERT
Black? I’m sorry, I thought you’d like this color. I can exchange it if you want.
Trent, with the manicure set, swims a little away from Robert and blows some bubbles through his massive nostrils.
TRENT
Robert, no worries. Pink is fine. I just worry about it attracting the wrong kind of crowd, you know what I mean?
ROBERT
Yeah, yeah.
Robert reaches for the manicure set. Trent doesn’t release it.
ROBERT
Really, give it back. I can exchange it.
Trent releases it, sending Trent splashing backwards several feet.
TRENT
Robert, you’re such a great friend. How long has it been?
Robert resurfaces and shakes his head.
ROBERT
What?
TRENT
Our friendship. How long have we been friends?
ROBERT
I think five days.
TRENT
That’s all? It just seems longer, you know, bro-sky!
ROBERT
Today makes it six.
Trent swims the other way to avoid hitting another hippo.
TRENT
I tried texting you last night. Ten times. What’s up?
ROBERT
Birthday shopping. Had to get my bestie the best gift.
TRENT
(sardonically)
Neon pink.
ROBERT
(apologetically)
Sorry, I will exchange it. Really.
TRENT
No, no. Don’t let it bother you that you couldn’t get the color right. (Beat) Were you alone?
ROBERT
Alone? Alone where?
TRENT
Getting my neon pink birthday gift.
ROBERT
Uh, does it matter?
TRENT
Since Carrots showed up, well, you know. I don’t see you around too much.
ROBERT
Carrots and I arrived on the same day. Don’t you remember?
TRENT
Hey, I’m a hippo not an elephant.
ROBERT
Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.
TRENT
Brutus swam by the other day. Said he heard that I planned to steal his swamp and his cows to build my hippo empire. Do you know where he might have heard that?
ROBERT
(confused)
Brutus? Brutus? I don’t remember meeting a Brutus.
TRENT
(chuckles)
Well, I guess you don’t recall because you are a beaver not an elephant.
ROBERT
(shaky laugh)
Yeah, yeah. Funny.
TRENT
Raphe showed up, too, all agitated and upset. Someone told him I was cutting him off. That he was going to have to find water somewhere else.
ROBERT
Raphe? Is he that lion with that huge head of hair who has a bunch of lionesses on his trail?
TRENT
That be the one.
ROBERT
Never met him.
Trent plunges down into the water and resurfaces, flicking his ears.
TRENT
Croc heard a rumor that I was going to start charging a toll. He has a big family. It would cost him a fortune to cross my swamp. Any idea where he got that information?
ROBERT
That’s terrible. Who would spread such malicious untruths?
TRENT
I dunno, but it makes me feel real sad.
Trent closes his eye.
TRENT
I got an appointment right now.
ROBERT
I’m sorry to bother you. I’ll go. Maybe we can get together later?
TRENT
No! I want you to join me. It’s my daily manicure time. You’ll love it.
ROBERT
Nah, that’s not my thing.
Trent pulls a shocked Robert below the surface. A large school of Barbel fish swarm around Robert, who screams, but it only results in a gurgle of bubbles.
-
EXT. AFRICAN RIVER – DAY
ROBERT, a beaver, swims up to TRENT, a male hippo, who is sleeping.
ROBERT
Hey. Happy Birthday, big guy!
TRENT
Thanks.
ROBERT
What are you going to do to celebrate?
TRENT
I was celebrating until I was interrupted.
ROBERT
Ooh, is Trent getting all angry-boy on me?
Trent closes his eye and goes back to sleep. Beaver swims up and down and around Robert, who plunges deeper into the river.
Robert swims down and faces Trent and stares. Trent paddles to the surface, blinks his eyes. Robert follows, treading water.
ROBERT
How you get this place all to yourself?
Trent turns, poops, and uses his tail to spread it in the air and water. Robert cringes and ducks to avoid it.
TRENT
Marking my territory. I guess it didn’t work.
ROBERT
Hey man, you told me you wanted to discuss our little proposal.
TRENT
I sleep during the day.
ROBERT
Well, I do my best work at night.
Trent blows some water and snorts. His eyes flare open.
TRENT
Tell me, how did a beaver from Wisconsin end up here, in Africa?
ROBERT
Didn’t you read my brochures? I go all over the world to build up properties.
TRENT
Oh, I forgot. Carrots hired you.
Robert grins.
ROBERT
(in love)
Carrots. Hmm hmn.
TRENT
You’re not her type.
ROBERT
I will be after I build her 50K square foot home. She’ll ask me to marry her.
TRENT
She’s too busy making smoothies and exercising on her YouTube channel to notice you.
Robert backs up a bit.
ROBERT
Trent, let’s talk about the little deal I proposed. Are you ready to sell?
Trent opens up his massive jaws, bellows, and scoops up Robert and throws him up into the air. Robert slaps the shoreline, unconscious.
TRENT
Give that piece of information to Carrots.
Trent slinks beneath the water.
-
Carol L. Paur Max Interest Part 1
What I learned that is improving my writing is my scenes were messed up and needed switching to have a greater impact. Also, using these techniques is a way to give greater meaning to the characters’ words and actions.
Logline: Cecelia takes one of the residents to the dermatologist to have a mole removed and does nothing when the doctor refuses to give the resident anesthetic for the pain.
Essence: Cecelia is clueless about how people with mental illness are often treated.
Scene: Doctor’s office
Suspense – what is going to happen at the doctor clinic, especially after Georgina expresses fear and later when Cecelia questions the doctor. Surprise – we think the doctor will give Georgina pain medication before cutting into her, but he doesn’t. Major Twist; Doctor lies to Cecelia when she asks about anesthetic. Betrayal of Cecelia to Georgina. She lets the doctor work on Georgina without giving her pain meds even though she had told her previously that the doctor would numb her.
INT. MEDICAL CLINIC HALLWAY – DAY
Cecelia and Georgina follow the NURSE down the hall. Georgina rubs her arm.
GEORGINA NOWAK
I’m scared.
CECELIA HEART
It’s nothing. I had a little mole removed. They numb the area. You won’t feel anything.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
Georgina and Cecelia sit in the chairs. The nurse takes the blood pressure cup and wraps it around Georgina’s ample arm. The nurse begins to pump.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
The nurse writes in the chart and looks up at Cecelia.
NURSE
The patient should go on the exam table.
Cecelia helps Georgina stand and takes her to the table.
The nurse opens a drawer and pulls out a hospital gown. She hands it to Cecelia.
NURSE
Tell her to take off her bra and top and put this on with the tie in the front.
The nurse leaves.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
Georgina, with her hospital gown on, waits. Cecelia, with her legs crossed, flips through a magazine. DOCTOR RAVINSKI pushes himself into the room, along with the nurse pushing in metal tray on wheels.
Dr. Ravinski smiles at Cecelia and holds out his hand. Cecelia takes the proffered hand, and they shake.
DR. RAVINSKI
Hello! Glad to meet you. So what’s going on with the patient?
CECELIA HEART
Her previous doctor scheduled her to have a mole removed.
She stands up to point at the mole on Georgina’s arm.
DR. RAVINSKI
Yes, that’s in her chart.
He washes his hands, gloves himself, and puts on a mask. The nurse does the same. The nurse wipes Georgina’s arm.
Dr. Ravinski holds the scalpel high. Georgina looks at it and leans away.
DR. RAVINSKI
Stand still or it’ll hurt.
He moves in closer and is about to cut, when Cecelia coughs.
CECELIA HEART
Wait! Don’t you usually numb the area before cutting?
He stops, sighs heavily, and turns toward Cecelia.
DR. RAVINSKI
She’s on lots of medication so it’s not advisable to give her more.
Cecelia squints her eyes, unsure of that answer, but does not resist.
POV: Cecelia flipping through magazine.
GEORGINA NOWAK (O.S.)
Ow. That hurts. Stop. No. Ow.
DR. RAVINSKI (O.S.)
Stop being a baby. Nurse, hold her down.
Cecelia stops looking at the magazine and looks up, stunned.
-
Title: Carol L. Paur’s Profiles People
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is my characters can go from angry to raging; from nice to exuberant, from fearful to paranoid. I see how upping the game on characters can improve the entire script.
Person 1 Core Traits: Kind, Intelligent, Distrustful, Pessimist
I mentioned different real estate agents. Person 1 immediately said she thinks of Eddie Murphy from Haunted Mansion movie. Person 1 responded in a way consistent with the traits I gave him/her.
Person 2 Core Traits: Hospitable, Funny, Attention Seeking, Judgmental
We went out to breakfast with other people. I was talking to the group when Person 2 kept butting in to show us selfies of (himself/herself). Person 2 responded in a way consistent with the traits I gave him/her.
Person 3 Core Traits: Hard working, Conscientious of the poor, Opinionated, arrogant
We went to dinner with a group of people. Person 3 voiced (his/her) opinion on several topics and felt (he/she) was always correct. Person 3 argued forcefully for his/her opinion and refused to listen to anyone else’s opinions. Person 3 responded in a way consistent with the traits I gave him/her.
-
1. Name? Carol L. Paur
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 35 (this includes the Episodes for my television show, Al Calender.
3. What you hope to get out of the class? Greater insight to improve my scripts.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I can’t touch my ears with my toes.
We look forward to working with you all!
-
Carol L. Paur Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is I’m still trying to figure out what the Essence is of my movie.
Script I choose: Halfway There
Scene 1 Location: Lake
Logline: Adult man drives the speedboat recklessly.
Essence I’ve discovered: Matt Linzer doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and Cecelia is starting to question if she should be dating him.
New Logline: Man risks the life of his friend and girlfriend with his risky driving of his speed boat.
Scene 2 Location: Matt Linzer and Cecelia Heart’s home
Logline: Matt and Cecelia host a party and Matt is missing.
Essence I’ve discovered: Cecelia is a conscientious host while Matt is doing his own thing.
New Logline: Matt balances thirty glasses of beer on his head while Cecelia prepares food for guest.
Scene 3 Location: Matt and Cecelia’s bedroom
Logline: Matt cleans out the room getting ready to leave Cecelia
Essence I’ve discovered: Matt wants out of the relationship, and it’s a surprise to Cecelia.
New Logline: Man breaks off relationship surprising his girlfriend.
Scene 4 Location: Van
Logline: Mother and daughter discuss daughter’s bad boyfriend and broken relationship.
Essence I’ve discovered: Mother and daughter have issues with each other.
New Logline: Mother insinuates daughter made bad choices when she drives her back to the family home.
Scene 5 Location: Yefim’s Office
Logline: Man wants to hire Cecelia quickly.
Essence I’ve discovered: Yefim doesn’t care about the residents of Enlightened Homes but needs a person to supervise them.
New Logline: Yefim is desperate to hire someone and will accept Cecelia, even though she’s not really interested nor qualified.
-
I can’t Find Discussion for Day 2 so will post Day 2 here:
Carol L. Paur Puts Essence to Work (Lesson 2)
What I learned is – truthfully, I haven’t figured out what essence is – so just did the exercise the best I could. I didn’t think the Juno example was clear for me. When I read the script, I thought the essence was a young girl preparing to live on her own. Clearly I have not figured out essence.
Script I choose: Halfway There
Scene 1 Location: Lake
Logline: Adult man drives the speedboat recklessly.
Essence I’ve discovered: Matt Linzer doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and Cecelia is starting to question if she should be dating him.
New Logline: Man risks the life of his friend and girlfriend with his risky driving of his speed boat.
Scene 2 Location: Matt Linzer and Cecelia Heart’s home
Logline: Matt and Cecelia host a party and Matt is missing.
Essence I’ve discovered: Cecelia is a conscientious host while Matt is doing his own thing.
New Logline: Matt balances thirty glasses of beer on his head while Cecelia prepares food for guest.
Scene 3 Location: Matt and Cecelia’s bedroom
Logline: Matt cleans out the room getting ready to leave Cecelia
Essence I’ve discovered: Matt wants out of the relationship, and it’s a surprise to Cecelia.
New Logline: Man breaks off relationship surprising his girlfriend.
Scene 4 Location: Van
Logline: Mother and daughter discuss daughter’s bad boyfriend and broken relationship.
Essence I’ve discovered: Mother and daughter have issues with each other.
New Logline: Mother insinuates daughter made bad choices when she drives her back to the family home.
Scene 5 Location: Yefim’s Office
Logline: Man wants to hire Cecelia quickly.
Essence I’ve discovered: Yefim doesn’t care about the residents of Enlightened Homes but needs a person to supervise them.
New Logline: Yefim is desperate to hire someone and will accept Cecelia, even though she’s not really interested nor qualified.
-
Carol L. Paur Finds the Essence
What I learned is the essence tells me what is important in each scene and helps me write to keep that focus.
Script I choose: Schindler’s List
Scene 1 Location: Hotel Room
Logline: Oskar Schindler schmoozes German SS during WWII.
Essence: Oskar wants to make sure he can continue doing his business so wines and dines the military.
Scene 2 Location: Apartment
Logline: Schindler meets with Itzhak Stern to discuss starting up a factory.
Essence: Schindler wants to make money while Stern is concerned for the fate of the Jews.
Scene 3 Location: Restaurant/Temple
Logline: Extortionist of the Jews refuses to spit on the Torah.
Essence: Shows the weakness of the Jewish leaders who spit on the Torah and the evil of the Germans demanding they spit on the Torah.
Scene 4 Location: SS Cell
Logline: Schindler has spent the night in an SS cell in luxury and plans to be released.
Essence: Schindler has important people in German leadership who are taking care of him.
Scene 5 Location:
Logline: German guards enter the factory to arrest Schindler and kill the Jews but leave without doing anything.
Essence: Schindler tells the Jews the war is over and gives a stirring speech about mourning the lost Jews while challenging the German’s guards to arrest him and kill the workers.
Scene with most profound essence to me:
Essence: Schindler realizes he could have saved so many more Jews.
EXT. COURTYARD – BRINNLITZ CAMP – NIGHT
Schindler and Emilie emerge from his quarters, each carrying
a small suitcase. In the dark, some distance away from his
Mercedes, stand all twelve hundred workers. As Schindler and
his wife cross the courtyard to the car, Stern and Levartov
approach. The rabbi hands him some papers.
LEVARTOV
We’ve written a letter trying to
explain things. In case you’re
captured. Every worker has signed
it.
Schindler sees a list of signatures beginning below the
typewritten text and continuing for several pages. He pockets
it, this new list of names.
SCHINDLER
Thank you.
Stern steps forward and places a ring in Schindler’s hand.
It’s a gold band, like a wedding ring. Schindler notices an
inscription inside it.
STERN
It’s Hebrew. It says, ‘Whoever saves
one life, saves the world.’
Schindler slips the ring onto a finger, admires it a moment,
nods his thanks, then seems to withdraw.
SCHINDLER
(to himself)
I could’ve got more out…
Stern isn’t sure he heard right. Schindler steps away from
him, from his wife, from the car, from the workers.
SCHINDLER
(to himself)
I could’ve got more… if I’d just…
I don’t know, if I’d just… I
could’ve got more…
STERN
Oskar, there are twelve hundred people
who are alive because of you. Look
at them.
He can’t.
SCHINDLER
If I’d made more money… I threw
away so much money, you have no idea.
If I’d just…
STERN
There will be generations because of
what you did.
SCHINDLER
I didn’t do enough.
STERN
You did so much.
Schindler starts to lose it, the tears coming. Stern, too.
The look on Schindler’s face as his eyes sweep across the
faces of the workers is one of apology, begging them to
forgive him for not doing more.
SCHINDLER
This car. Goeth would’ve bought this
car. Why did I keep the car? Ten
people, right there, ten more I
could’ve got.
(looking around)
This pin —
He rips the elaborate Hakenkreus, the swastika, from his
lapel and holds it out to Stern pathetically.
SCHINDLER
Two people. This is gold. Two more
people. He would’ve given me two for
it. At least one. He would’ve given
me one. One more. One more person. A
person, Stern. For this. One more. I
could’ve gotten one more person I
didn’t.
He completely breaks down, weeping convulsively, the emotion
he’s been holding in for years spilling out, the guilt
consuming him.
SCHINDLER
They killed so many people…
(Stern, weeping too,
embraces him)
They killed so many people…
From above, from a watchtower, Stern can be seen down below,
trying to comfort Schindler. Eventually, they separate, and
Schindler and Emilie climb into the Mercedes. It slowly pulls
out through the gates of the camp. And drives away.
-
Don,
Good job working in the interest techniques. I would have liked the scene to stay focused on one piece of conflict. Perhaps just when the people come for the prize, Marcus and Carley have a big disagreement. I am guessing you were trying to set it up, but personally, I think it would have been more interesting if it started right away with the people at the door. Great job. Thanks for sharing!
-
Great job in working the techniques! I liked the setting, too. I would have liked to have seen more conflict all the way through. It felt a little muddled in some parts. Good job. Thanks for posting!
-
Hi Hope,
Love this! Gets right to the point! I have a terrible time trying to work in the maximum interest techniques, so I’m only saying that maybe you could have worked in a little more of them in this. I don’t know what to recommend, but maybe go through this with the techniques in front of you in another rewrite. However, I really loved this! Cute! Thanks for posting!
-
Carolyn,
I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks!
-
Thank you!
-
Thank you!
-
Hi James,
You did a good job working in the interest techniques and character traits. I’m interested in what happens next.
-
Rebecca,
Very funny. I love it. Did Nancy end up winning? I am guessing she did if she found the egg with the numbers and tucked them in her bra. I think you covered the Interest Techniques and kept the characters true to their traits. Good job!
-
Hi Don,
I like your idea and dialogue. I would have liked to see more action which revealed more of the characters while building in the Interest Techniques. I did get a sense of their characters’ subtects, you did a good job with that. Just a little more action – maybe they’re fighting over who gets to use the water cooler (do they still have those post-Covid?); they run to the copy machine with their ideas and the paper clogs up….I don’t know, just a little more action might boost the interest level. Good job.
-
Hi Sandra,
I love this idea. I would have liked to see more conflict between Nancy and Squire as they’re planning this instead of waiting for Izzy to tell them he’s opposed to gambling, etc. They could find themselves in a dilemma when one person suggests the casino while the other mentions Izzy’s stance. That could lead to an argument and conversation that reveals more about each character and his/her history with each other. Let it unfold with the Interest Techniques. Good job.
-
Rewrite of QE Cycle 1
INT. BARRACKS R&R ROOM – AFTERNOON – FEBUARY 28TH 1991
The Rest and Relaxation room is vast with many things to do. However the marines of Quebec 5-11 are having beers and watching C-Span to hear from President Bush. (Good setting)
Front and center is CPL TRENT MARCUS. He is passing out beers to everyone from a cooler at his feet. He sees CPL ROBERT RUST, enter the room, they make eye contact.
TRENT
(to himself) This fucking guy. (to the room) Compliments from me and sergeant Jones, who couldn’t be here himself.
The marines cheers Trent and sergeant Jones.
ROBERT
(To the room) I thought the sarge said no beer!?
His remark immediately met with boos. Trent takes a swig and shrugs, and tosses a beer to Robert. He catches it and opens it.
ROBERT
Just kidding! Ya’ll know me. Hey Duley, I heard your wife had a baby?
DULEY shakes his head and smiles.
ROBERT
Well that’s great I told everyone that she just made you an uncle. (good line)
They cheer “ROB” like “Norm” in “Cheers.” He chugs the beer, and lets out a large belch. They cheer, as Robert makes the rounds of getting hugged and high-fived. (Good)
TRENT
Get over here you shit bag short timer!
Trent looks at Robert’s untidy uniform. He passes Robert his beer.
TRENT
Seriously I don’t know how you made it out of Basic.
Trent takes a step back showing Robert his uniform. Robert shrugs and drinks. (Good)
ROBERT
I got two months left in man.
TRENT
See Rob. Immaculate! You, look like dog shit on good days. I mean just look at your hair.
Robert runs his free hand through his non regulation hair.
ROBERT
Yeah. It is luxurious. (love it)
Trent narrows his eyes at Robert..
TRENT
That ain’t gonna fly with the sarge.
ROBERT
Too bad he already said I could keep it until we get back to Stumps.
TRENT
Now that is some bull, and you know it. How much shit have you been talking this whole war man.
ROBERT
Wars’ over, and I’m counting the days.
Trent stares in disbelief.
TRENT
Alright thats enough of that shit, once a Marine always a Marine.
It’s getting louder as all conversations are turning into back slapping and boisterous laughter. Trent looks at the TV the president has come on.
Trent addresses the crowd.
TRENT
HEY! Quiet down you devil dogs! (For some reason the term devil dogs makes me laugh)
The crowd howls and woofs. It annoys Trent.
ROBERT
Shut the fuck up!
They quiet down immediately which pisses Trent off. The president’s voice is heard. Every marine stands silent beer in hand almost at attention.
BUSH (V.O.)
Kuwait is liberated. Iraq’s army is defeated.
They all shout and spray beer everywhere. It looks like the locker room of a team that just won the World Series. Hugs are met with fives and special handshakes.
Trent looks around elated, PFC BODIE knocks into him spilling beer on his beer soaked boots. He grabs Bodie.
TRENT
What the hell Boot! You gotta clean all this up.
He shoves Bodie in the direction of a little kitchenette towards the back of the room. (Does Trent come back? Might need that just for context.)
ROBERT
That was over the top there bud.
TRENT
You haven’t seen over the top yet.
Trent messes up Roberts hair. This pisses him off. (Messes? I thought Robert’s hair was a mess.)
ROBERT
Eat a dick.(Makes me think of elementary school)
Robert makes his way to Bodie in the kitchenette. Bodie is frantically looking for paper towels.
ROBERT
Hey kid. Paper towels are up there.
Robert points to a cupboard above Bodie’s head.
PFC BODIE
Thank’s Rob.
Bodie grabs the towels but before he takes off Robert puts his hand on Bodie’s chest stopping him from taking off. (this is a bit confusing – is Robert trying to get Bodie not to clean up or has Bodie cleaned and is leaving?)
ROBERT
Hey Bodie. Look man you don’t have to take so much shit from Trent. He’s not that high up.
PFC BODIE
He said he’ll pay me like fifty bucks if I help him out.
ROBERT
He said that? Wow. Well you know he’s pretty much broke and not to mention he weaseled out of watch like every time with the same promise.
Bodie looks on in awe, he has never seen Rob be so open about Trent before.
PFC BODIE
Wow! He did promise me some cash for taking his duty. But he also said you were not to be trusted. That you make stuff up.
ROBERT
He said that? Well now. Well young Bodie go ask him for what he owes you right now. I saw him pay Duley for something earlier. Plus he bought all that beer.
Bodie nods and heads over to Trent who is talking to Duley. Robert watches the scene play out. He can’t hear the words but smiles at the body language.
Trent throws his hands up annoyed as Bodie nervously and awkwardly asks something. Trent looks at the smiling Robert.
Trent flips Robert off and pulls Bodie in close whispers something. Trent pulls out a wad of cash and hands bodie a $50 bill.
Bodie nods excitedly and takes the cash before bolting out of the room. Trent and Robert smile slyly at one another. (This setup is good)
Duley walks up to Robert.
DULEY
Hey Rob. Real funny about my wife earlier.
ROBERT
Just joshing man. No harm right?
Duley throws his hands up as in “no problem.”
DULEY
Hey man can I got some good gossip for ya. Lets go to your room and I’ll spill.
Robert nods and signals they are leaving.
ROBERT
Better be some good shit, not like last time. (To the room) And I’m OUT! PEACE!
The room erupts with cheers as Robert leaves with Duley. Trent watches them leave and smiles sinisterly.
INT. ROBERT’S BARRACKS ROOM – LATER
It’s dark in the room. Robert wakes in his rack, he is stunned, can’t see straight and can barely stand. His head throbs, he rubs his hand through his…
ROBERT
What the fuck? WHERE’S MY FUCKING HAIR!?
He turns on the light and looks in the mirror. It’s true his beautiful hair is gone. He looks at the floor, it’s all there. Rage fills him.
There is a knock at the door. Robert opens it. Trent is outside with a few marines from earlier, Duley and Bodie.
( I would cut the scene here – it’s funny and enough to get the point across the Trent took Robert to the “back room.”)
TRENT
I see Duley and Bodie shaved ya good.
Duley and Bodie look at the ground shamefully as Robert makes angry eye contact.
TRENT
Don’t blame them I paid for their services. You think you’re king shit around here, always talking shit. So I took your locks. HA!
Rage boils up inside Robert, he jumps on Trent pulling him into the room. The first swing connects with Trent’s temple and the second connects with his jaw.
Trent crumples to the floor unable to protect his stomach from the four kicks Robert lays into his ribs. Robert stops realizing what he has done.
ROBERT
Shit! I think I broke my hand.
Robert looks at the group. He’s thinking of a way out of this and smiles at Bodie slyly.
ROBERT
PFC Bodie, you saw! He threw the first punch.
Bodie looks on at Trent and then nods yes to Robert.
ROBERT
You all saw right?
FADE OUT.
Some good subtext here. I loved how Trent messes with Robert’s hair and then ends up having it shaved off. That was excellent. What is the essence? Two guys who can’t stand each other? Two guys trying to pull rank? Maybe tighten up the dialogue a bit and give us more subtext with each thing being said. Good job! Thanks for sharing. I have more comments through the scene.
-
BACK ROOM – EVENING
Trent leads Robert into the room. They both hold champagne flutes and Robert holds an almost empty champagne bottle. (You mention Back room – but back room of what? Remember, Hal said make the scene interesting. Countless ways to set this. Are they in some remote cabin? Are they on a yacht? Are they out fishing? Make it colorful or unique.
TRENT
Let’s have our special private celebration. (Could you give us a clue why they’re having a private celebration? Maybe give us a little subtext here. “I’m so proud of you, bro, you finally did it.”
Trent holds up his glass.
ROBERT
To taking down that son-of-a bitch!
They cheer! Robert grabs Trent in a celebratory bear hug.
ROBERT
We did it brother!
Trent is much more reserved.
TRENT
No. You did it.
ROBERT
Nah.
Robert clinks his glass to Trents and guzzles his glass. He pours himself another drink and pours the last bit in Trent’s glass.
TRENT
Oh yes. In fact I wanted to ask you about what you said to old Frank.
Robert laughs nervously.
ROBERT
What do you mean?
TRENT
Don’t you find it strange that the hostile takeover happened so quickly and without a hitch.
Robert starts sweating. He guzzles down the remainder of his Champagne, flings the empty bottle towards the back wall behind Trent. It shatters but Trent doesn’t flinch. Robert pats Trent on the back.
ROBERT
Who cares what, who, how or whatever. What matters is we did it! More celebrating! More Champagne!
Robert heads towards the door.
TRENT
The one thing about money, brother, is that it buys loyalty.
Robert stops dead in his tracks, fear in his eyes. He turns around with a huge smile on his face and joyously retorts –
ROBERT
Tell me about it. How do you think I got everyone on board for this?
TRENT
Maybe by spreading rumors about our mother’s demise and how I had something to do with it?
Robert drops his glass. It shatters. He pulls out a gun. He continues playing his light gregarious self but his eyes deceive him with nervous doubt.(I think pulling out a gun is too soon. Also, I didn’t see too much gregariousness of Robert).
ROBERT
I don’t know what you’re getting at.
TRENT
Is that the gun I gave you?
Robert makes light although his shaking hands give him away.
ROBERT
Yeah, she’s a beaut ain’t she? Thank you!
TRENT
You don’t think I came in here alone did you?
ROBERT
Awe, I love you brother, but I knew you couldn’t be trusted. You’re so predictable.
TRENT
I am? Did you check if it was loaded?
ROBERT
Of course I did.
TRENT
Did you check if the bullets were real?
Robert lets off a wholehearted laugh.
ROBERT
You know that the Chief told me to watch my back with you, right?
TRENT
He told me the same when I had to pay him off because of the gossip you were spreading.
ROBERT
I used to believe the rich big brother stories when I was a kid –
TRENT
Now I know why mom favored you.
Trent lunges for Robert. Robert pulls the trigger. It’s a blank. Trent grabs the gun and beats Robert with it.
Robert holds his arms up to protect himself.
ROBERT
What are you talking about? She favored you! She always went on and on about “you should be more like Trent, you should be more like Trent”. I actually secretly wanted to be you when I grew up.
In the moment it takes Trent to smile with pride, Robert grabs the gun back and shoots again. This time the bullet is real and it wounds Trent in the arm. Trent falls to his knees. Robert struggles to get up.
ROBERT
Yup, dear old brother, I did check if it was loaded, and I did check if the bullets were real. I left the first one blank ‘cause I didn’t know if I was right about my hunch. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Robert aims.
TRENT
I need you to understand why I’m doing this.
Robert laughs whole-heartedly in total disbelief.
ROBERT
You have the whole town on a fake payroll. You don’t need nothing!
Before Robert notices, Trent pulls out a knife and stabs Robert in the foot. Robert screams in pain and inadvertently drops the gun. It goes off, which jars them both for a moment as it ricochets around the room.
They stare at each other for a moment then both dive for the gun. They struggle face to face with the gun between them, to get control of it.
ROBERT
Mom was so disappointed with you.
TRENT
Just like she was with you.
Suddenly it fires. The bullet rips straight through Robert’s chest, ricochets off a metal figurine and pierces Trent right between the eyes.
Both dead.
(Got to keep those guns away from the kiddies!) You did a good job with essence – sibling rivalry. Lots of scenes have a hard time with that. I am confused as to what these two men do for a living and how this plays into having them both end up dead. You mentioned Chief – I thought it was a police officer, but then it went to a fake payroll. I think you could tighten up the dialogue, give us some subtext, and let us know what these two do for a living. Or, if it’s really about their mother, I would delve into that aspect more. I think each one kept dropping a “bomb,” but I had no idea where they were going with it. Good job. Thanks.
-
Exchange
INT. ROADHOUSE BAR – DAY
1948, roadhouse bar in the south Jersey pine barrens along the main route between Philadelphia and Atlantic City. Trent, immaculately dressed, expensive pants, shirt, and shoes, waits at a table. Two locals sit at the other end of the bar, otherwise the place looks empty. The bartender, a body builder, moves in close to Trent and the two converse in inaudible whispers. Robert enters. Trent hails him to the table. Trent looks stern. Robert covers up his worry with small talk.
ROBERT
Nice car out front. Yours?
Trent nonchalant.
TRENT
The Alfa Romeo? Yes, of course, it’s mine. It can go up to 150mph, not that I need speed like that.
Robert lets out a long whistle.
TRENT
Sit.
The two men sit opposite. Robert scans the bar.
ROBERT
What did you want to see me about? Why here?
Trent forces a smile.
TRENT
Sorry about my blow up earlier, a bad day. This is midway, remote, expensive top shelf in the back room for special customers.
Robert remains cautious.
ROBERT
So, does that describe you?
Trent ignores the comment and hails the bartender, JACK.
TRENT
Jack, a drink for Robert here. Put it on my tab.
Jack ambles over, no hurry.
JACK
What can I get you?
ROBERT
Got something other than beer?
Jack makes a grand gesture towards the shelf behind the bar, acts the smart ass, half bow and mocking voice.
JACK
What would be your desire?
ROBERT
Single malt on the rocks.
Robert, a sheepish smile, looks towards Trent.
ROBERT
With Trent buying, make that top shelf.
Jack leaves. Trent stares at Robert, represses his anger, SHOWTIME.
TRENT
The report? Anything to celebrate?
Jack places the scotch in front of Robert and a glass of soda water mixed with ginger ale in front of Trent. Robert glances toward the locals and talks in code.
ROBERT
Depends on how you look at it. The competition, knocked out of the game. That gives our investment a clear field to corner the market.
The two locals take their beers outside. With no action at the bar, Jack wipes down tables. (Good setup)
TRENT
I saw in the paper that Joe Bilbo’s been outed as a Red, taken in for questioning.
Robert shrugs, feigns ignorance.
TRENT
Bilbo, the bouncer at Clicquot Club in Atlantic City? That is, until he lost his job.
Robert ponders his answer.
ROBERT
I don’t really know. I’ve only been to the club a couple of times. Never met him.
Trent sips his drink and leans back on his chair.
TRENT
You did. I introduced you.
Robert looks at the floor, repositions in the chair.
ROBERT
I’ve never been good with names.
TRENT
One thing about Bilbo, he never forgot a face or a name. Especially the ones in his black book of embarrassing situations. He never hesitated to use that information as influence. (Love this – something is coming down the pike)
Trent winks at Robert and smiles.
ROBERT
Thinking on it, yes, I remember him.
TRENT
I wonder what genius turned him in? Great timing for us.
Trent smiles and chuckles. Robert grows bolder.
ROBERT
Random timing, I don’t think so. More like meticulous planning.
TRENT
I agree, brilliant plot, something I might do. Competition gone and we get to step in and caulk it up to blind luck. Too bad I didn’t think of it. Whoever did, kudos to them.
Robert smiles, proud of his work. Trent chuckles and clinks his glass against Robert’s.
ROBERT
Thank you for the complement. I got the job done with no link to either of us.
Trent feigns surprise.
TRENT
You? No, not you. You’re not that cunning.
Robert sits up straighter, more confident, sly smile.
ROBERT
There’s a lot about me that you don’t know.
He downs his drink and signals for another.
TRENT
Forget the cheap stuff. Jack, break out the special scotch from the back room. Robert and me need to celebrate a victory.
Jack slips into the door behind the bar and returns with a pre-war bottle. He places it on the table his hand on the neck. (I love this – pre-war bottle.)
JACK
Want me to pour?
Trent puts his hand over Jack’s.
TRENT
No need, leave the bottle.
Trent pours and he and Robert down a few glasses.
ROBERT
What about the reward you promised?
TRENT
First tell me how you pulled it off, details.
Robert emboldened by alcohol itches to brag about his expertise.
ROBERT
You know Frank, the guy from Trieste who owns the grocery near the docks in Philly?
TRENT
I know him well.
ROBERT
I hinted about a close mutual friend of Bilbo being a card carrying Red. Frank didn’t deny it. Antonio Sabitini was in the store at the time and overheard the conversation.
Trent drums his manicured finger nails against the table.
TRENT
Interesting, but if Bilbo’s friend is the one I’m thinking of, why not just out Bilbo as a homosexual?
Jack finishes wiping the table next to them.
ROBERT
Why? Fingering him as a communist worked better.
TRENT
You outed him to Frank who is a Communist. Why Bilbo?
The two locals return for a refill of beer. Robert lowers his voice.
ROBERT
Because of his closeness with the competition and the governor’s mistress.
TRENT
Not sure where all this will lead. But, your brilliant work needs a suitable reward.
Trent gets up from the table as does Robert. He pats Robert on the back.
TRENT
Lots more good things in the back room. You ready? Follow me.
Robert struts as he follows Trent to behind the bar. Trent opens the door; Robert freezes.
TRENT
Come Robert, your reward awaits.
Looking through the open door, Robert stares at the man seated at A table. (Maybe instead of man – write Robert stares at BRUNO, second in command to Joe Ida… I think it would make the scene more powerful since it’s a screenplay, not a book, where we can be more subtle).
ROBERT
Changed my mind.
The two patrons, both holding guns, grab Robert and escort Robert inside to meet Bruno, second in command to Joe Ida, mafia boss in Philly and South Jersey. (This can be cut if you insert this earlier)
TRENT
No need to kill him for being a dumb shit. Robert didn’t realize that he put the Feds onto Nan DeMar and her connection to Ida. I’d love to take the first punch but don’t want to mess up my manicure.
Robert screams. Jack shuts the door.
Jack
Trent, finish up the scotch. Take it with you.
Trent picks up the bottle and saunters out the door. Through the open window we see Trent get into a 1942 Ford Coupe.
I added comments throughout the script. Here’s what else I have to say: I like the banter and the subtext you work into this scene. I like how the bartender and the other two patrons seem innocent enough until it’s time to take out Robert. Some things I wondered – what is the essence of this scene? I figured out that Robert revealed information to the wrong sources but I could not connect how his “outing” Bilbo as a Red did this. Like you mentioned in your response to me, I think you’re right about Robert not being gregarious enough (however, truth be told, if I was working for the mafia, I’d be pretty solemn). Maybe Robert enters and tries to “cheer up” Trent. He tells him all the good things they should be happy about – you can work in subtext. I think you could trim down the dialogue. Get right to the point – or add deeper meaning to each thing they say. Good job. Thank you for sharing.
-
Thank you! I will read your script. I’m in the middle of another novel I’m writing. I’m excited to check out your work.
Cheers!
Carol Paur