[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Horror Situation Track

What I learned doing this assignment is…everything is fluid. It is what it is for right now. This helped me find several plot holes. Looking forward to the next layer.

Concept: An over anxious reporter checks into a wellness spa and discovers it is being run by cannibals who plump up and eat their clients.

Act 1 – Set up for Horror

Atmosphere of Evil established – Smooth offers a choice to a pair of orphans he has taken in. Eat or be eaten.

Horror Situation: Two young teenagers are pushed into a meat locker where a woman is being sliced and eaten alive by a group of cannibals. They are told to join in or wind up like her.

Reaction: hide /escape – the 13 year old boy hides behind his 17 year old sister who appears resigned. She steps forward, eating and gagging on the flesh. The boy runs and cowers in the corner. The cannibals come for him. He screams.

15 years later:

Horror Situation: Wally Bovine is pursued by an unseen predator, dismembered, and partially eaten in the woods behind his house.

Reaction: escape / hide / fight – Wally runs into the woods and tries unsuccessfully to fight off the unseen predator.

Connect with characters – Sisters Jess and Nataly Jenkins celebrate Nataly’s 18th birthday with a small cake at home. Jess takes pills to help her anxiety. Nataly warns she is too dependent and should seek help.

Horror Situation: Jess breaks a glass and cuts herself. She sees blood and relives the tragic death of her parents in a car accident while she was driving.

Reaction: Fear and denial through chemicals.

The characters are warned not to do it – The sheriff warns Jess about wild animals in the woods. She is warned by the coroner of evil forces working and is also warned by Dale Kobe not to pursue his sister’s path to Heartly Farm.

Denial of Horror – Jess drinks to numb the news of the coroner’s death while the bartender tells stories of bear attacks. She is determined to pursue the story to Heartly Farm.

Safety taken away – Nataly falls in with a suspicious stranger, Gisele, leaving Jess alone.

Monster: Jess is dropped off in front of Heartly Farm and must walk up the mountain.

Horror situation: She hears things. She thinks she sees things. A squealing boar? A man running in the woods?

Reaction: Denial, fear. Desire to get out of the pounding rain and into the warmth of an imposing and ancient mountain lodge…

Act 2 – The Point of No Return

Isolated / Trapped /Abducted – Jess checks into the wellness retreat which is isolated in the mountains and surrounded by wild ferocious animals.

Horror situation: Jess must wear an ankle bracelet to track her movements – for her own safety.

Reaction: Denial. Jess wants to find out more, she’s not happy about the bracelet, but maybe it’s true about clients getting lost and attacked by wild animals.

One of us is killed – The Burly Man is seen being chased by a spa employee with a syringe. Jess later finds blood in his room.

Horror situation: Jess is awakened by a noise and goes to investigate. She sees the Burly Man in the hallway, literally bouncing off the walls.

Reaction: Try to solve. She tries to help him, but he gets aggressive and wanders away.

Horror situation: The next day Jess finds a pool of blood in the Burly Man’s room.

Reaction: Denial. Jess is told the blood is from a broken blood transfusion bottle. She has doubts, but wants to believe the place is okay because she’s actually found a bit of happiness meeting Paisley.

Horror situation: Paisley is knocked out and sent to the slaughterhouse to be hung upside down and drained of her blood.

Reaction – Jess learns the truth about Heartly Farm after looking for Paisley. She goes into shock and is easily captured.

Midpoint: The Monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer – Jess is captured and thrown into the dungeon with a rabid cannibal who wants to eat her. She escapes.

Horror situation: Jess is trapped in a dungeon with Harry who plans to eat her. He cuts off Jess’s finger and eats it.

Reaction: Jess escapes down a sewage tunnel and gets away from Harry.

Horror Situation: Chased by a pack of dogs, Jess falls into a deep pit and is trapped.

Reaction: Jess tries to claw her way out, but it’s slippery and muddy. With a blow dart, the cannibals tranquilize her.

Terrorized – Jess escapes, is captured and then released so she can be hunted. She escapes from Smooth only to be pursued by the sheriff who reveals he is also a cannibal working for Smooth.

Horror situation: Jess is in the slaughter house, hanging upside down and is about to be drained of her blood.

Reaction: Fight. She makes a mess, spilling a bucket of blood, Olga slips, Piker appears. Tells them Harry is dead and Smooth wants Jess alive. He has other plans for her now.

Horror situation: We meet Smooth again (first time since opening scene?). Because Jess killed Harry Smooth now has other plans for Jess. He is having a dinner party that same night and Jess will attend because the entree will be of special importance to her. (Paisley?)

Reaction: Jess escapes again and hot wires a truck.

Horror situation: Jess gets to the bottom of the mountain and sees the sheriff.

Reaction: She’s relieved.

Horror situation – The sheriff shoots to kill her. He misses.

Reaction: Escape. Jess drives the truck back up the mountain.

Horror situation – The sheriff following close behind her, Jess sees a giant bear in the road and swerves to avoid hitting it.

Reaction – Jess crashes the truck into a tree off the side of the mountain and is knocked out.

Horror situation – Jess comes to as the sheriff approaches, cocking the shotgun.

Reaction – Jess tries to hide in the footwell.

Horror situation – The bear attacks the sheriff, ripping off his face.

Reaction – Jess escapes, but not before taking the sheriff’s weapon.

Horror situation – Jess runs up to the road and sees her sister and Gisele, who is really a cannibal and the teenage girl from the opening, driving up to the lodge. Jess realizes Nataly is the special entree.

Reaction: Jess goes back to the lodge in order to save her sister.

Act 3 – Full Out Horror

Fight to Death: Jess causes a melee in the main dining room and fights Smooth, searing and smoking him in a giant kettle drum. But first…

Horror situation: Jess enters the deadly feast hall and blasts a hole in the wall with the sheriff’s shotgun, demanding to know where Nataly is.

Reaction: Fight. But Jess is overpowered by Smooth’s henchmen and is taken prisoner.

Hysteria: Jess is forced to eat the cooked flesh of her lover, Paisley in order to save her sister, Nataly.

Horror situation: Jess is made to sit at the feast table with the other cannibals. If she wants to live she must become one of them by eating the flesh of her dead lover, Paisley.

Reaction: She refuses, saying she would rather die.

Horror situation: Smooth brings Nataly out on a platter. She is unconscious, but still alive. He threatens to carve and serve her if Jess refuses to eat her lover’s flesh.

Reaction: Jess complies. She is truly hysterical.

The thrilling escape of death: Smooth has no intention of saving Nataly, but before he can kill her, Jess acts, creating a ruckus at the table.

Horror situation: Smooth has hoisted Nataly (still unconscious) and has cut her major arteries. She is bleeding out.

Reaction: Jess creates a ruckus at the table – a food fight.

Death returns to take one or more: Piker and Olga both die at the Deadly Feast. Smooth dies as well. At least we think he does.

Horror situation: Piker is spiked by a human sized rotisserie.

Reaction: Death.

Horror situation: Olga is eaten alive by The Group of Investors.

Reaction: Death.

Horror situation: Smooth is about to kill Jess when Gisele comes up from behind and hits him in the head with a fireplace poker.

Reaction: Jess lunges at Smooth and he falls into a giant kettle drum. She closes the lid and her and Gisele save Nataly and flee.

Resolution: Believing Smooth is dead, Gisele takes over the cannibal operation and offers Jess a partnership. Jess is horrified to learn she is now a cannibal and will fight insatiable cravings for human flesh for the rest of her life. She refuses Gisele’s offer, but starts to look at Nataly in a different, more savory way.

Horror situation: Unable to control the cravings for human flesh, Jess looks at her sister.

Reaction: And salivates.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Horror Plot

What I learned doing this assignment is…I have a few points I need to think about and develop, especially the “denial of horror” and “safety taken away” in the first act. Also, do the plot points in each act need to be in the exact order given to us? Any comments from anyone on that question? Do they need to occur in the exact order in the lesson or can they appear anywhere in that particular act?

Concept: An over anxious reporter checks into a wellness spa and discovers it is being run by cannibals who plump up and eat their clients.

Act 1 – Set up for Horror

Atmosphere of Evil established – Smooth offers a choice to a pair of orphans he has taken in. Eat or be eaten.

Connect with characters – Jess and Nataly Jenkins celebrate Nataly’s 18th birthday.

The characters are warned not to do it – Jess is warned by Dale Kobe not to pursue his sister’s path to Heartly Farm.

Denial of Horror – Jess drinks to numb the news of the coroner’s death while the bartender tells stories of bear attacks.

Safety taken away – Nataly falls in with a suspicious stranger, Gisele, leaving Jess alone.

Monster: The nature of the beast – Wally Bovine is dismembered in his backyard and partially eaten.

Act 2 – The Point of No Return

Isolated / Trapped /Abducted – Jess checks into the wellness retreat which is isolated in the mountains and surrounded by wild ferocious animals. Jess must wear an ankle bracelet to track her movements – for her own safety.

One of us is killed – The Burly Man is seen being chased by a spa employee with a syringe. Jess later finds blood in his room.

One of us is killed – Paisley is knocked out and sent to the slaughterhouse to be hung upside down and drained of her blood.

Midpoint: The Monster is worse than we thought!

Full pursuit by the killer – Jess learns the truth about Heartly farm after looking for Paisley. She is captured and thrown into the dungeon with a rabid cannibal who wants to eat her. She escapes.

Terrorized – Jess escapes, is captured and then released so she can be hunted. She escapes from Smooth only to be pursued by the sheriff who reveals he is also a cannibal working for Smooth.

Act 3 – Full Out Horror

Fight to Death: Jess causes a melee in the main dining room and fights Smooth, searing his face on a Korean BBQ table.

Hysteria: Jess is forced to eat the cooked flesh of her lover, Paisley in order to save her sister, Nataly.

The thrilling escape of death: She escapes again, but then sees Nataly entering the wellness retreat with the suspicious stranger, Gisele, who is really a cannibal. Nataly thinks she’s attending a fancy party when in fact she is the main course. Jess has to return to save her sister.

Death returns to take one or more: Piker and Olga both die at the Deadly Feast. Smooth dies as well. At least we think he does.

Resolution: Gisele takes over the cannibal operation and offers Jess a partnership. Jess is horrified to learn she is now a cannibal and will fight insatiable cravings for human flesh for the rest of her life. She refuses Gisele’s offer, but starts to look at Nataly in a different, more savory way.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Characters for Horror

What I learned doing this assignment is…learning the pieces of the puzzle and slowly putting them together is a great way to make sure you’ve covered the genre’s conventions.

Concept: An over anxious reporter checks into a wellness spa and discovers the place is being run by cannibals who plump up and eat their clients.

Group: Outsiders

Dying Pattern: The characters experience the terror and survive together, but one or two die.

Leader and Rescuer: Jess Jenkins, a hungry young reporter goes under cover at a wellness spa to investigate an unsolved murder. She also needs help kicking a pill habit.

Innocent: Nataly Jenkins, Jess’s younger sister. Eager to be independent, Nataly falls in with a beautiful older woman who entices her with easy money while secretly grooming her for the Deadly Feast where she will be the main course.

Love Interest – Paisley, a client at Heartly Farm, is a beautiful young woman who falls for Jess.

Monster Bait: Wally Bovine, a Pet Food Factory worker with a pack of dogs who unfortunately are locked up inside the house while out in the backyard Wally is chopped up and eaten by a rabid cannibal.

Sacrificial Lamb: The Burly Man, a client at Heartly Farm.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Terrifying Monster

What I learned doing this assignment is…I need to do more brainstorming on mystery and rules. I also like the idea of making him more unseen.

Tell us what or who your monster is.

Smooth Carver is a cannibal who runs Heartly Farm, a wellness retreat in the mountains that actually operates as a cannibal farm.

Give us a few sentences for each of the following for your monster:

Terror: Smooth kills, cooks, and eats you or makes you one of his flesh-eating minions, take your pick.

Mystery: In order to survive this monster, my protagonist starts a food fight, creates a diversion and is helped mercifully at the last moment by another cannibal who turns on Smooth because he treats her like crap. I need to think more about this one – “The secret, question, or puzzle that must be solved in order to survive.” Maybe he chokes on a piece of flesh? Or he gets violently sick after eating?

Fear Provoking Appearance: Smooth is tall and skinny, a cross between Monty Burns and Roger Waters. He always wears animal skins – snake, alligator, leather, ostrich, fur. He has long fingernails and his weapon of choice is the scalpel. He always keeps several in his breast pocket and flings them like darts among other things.

Their Rules: The clients have to meet certain standards, as they will be eaten. Smokers are not admitted to Heartly Farm. Smooth is top dog, he runs the show, but he does have to answer to a group of investors.

Their Mythology: Smooth had a severe jealous streak as a child and killed his young sister which was covered up by his parents whom he later killed and stuffed and put into a giant cuckoo clock. Having tasted his sister’s blood by accident, Smooth was compelled to study medicine, became a surgeon, and received his moniker, Smooth, because he was damn good with a scalpel. He joined Doctors without Borders and fell in with a cannibal tribe deep in the Amazon and became addicted to human flesh. Back home, he secretly started slicing tiny slivers of organ during surgery to eat later and well, you know how habits develop over time. Now he runs a cannibal farm that provides a steady supply of human flesh.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

What I learned doing this assignment is…conventions are important guidelines for writing in any specific genre.

Title: The Evil Dead

Terrorize The Characters: Unseen demons in the woods awaken when a group of college students read a book in the basement of their vacation cabin.

Isolation: A cabin in the woods cut off from civilization

Death: Everyone dies except Ash.

Monster/Villain: Unseen demons and possessed trees

High Tension: Attacking trees, demon possession, murder

Departure from Reality: Unseen demons in woods possess the bodies of teenagers and make them kill one another

Moral Statement: IDK – Don’t go skulking in basements and looking through other people’s stuff? Don’t leave the cabin in the middle of the night? Don’t go in the woods?

Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great horror film?

When I told my husband I was taking a horror writing class he suggested The Evil Dead. I’d never heard of the movie/franchise. I think it hits all the conventions, but I’m a little confused about the moral statement, not sure what it is.

With your concept, fill in each of these Conventions for your story.

Concept: An over anxious reporter checks into a wellness spa and discovers the place is being run by cannibals who plump up and eat their clients.

Terrorize the Characters: They are to be killed and eaten.

Isolation: The wellness spa is in an old mountain lodge in the wilderness away from civilization and surrounded by wild animals.

Death: The characters are detoxed, fed well, made happy, then slaughtered and eaten.

Monster/Villain: Dr. Smooth Carver is the wicked cannibal running the wellness spa. The wellness spa employees are part of a cannibal cabal secretly franchising their brand across the country.

High Tension: Locked in a dungeon with a rabid cannibal, escape through a sewage tunnel, stabbed in the eye with rebar, falling into a giant pit, car chase up a mountain, a bear rips off a human face, hacked limbs, fingers, eating human flesh, stuffed humans

Departure from Reality: Once you taste human flesh you crave it like an addict craves heroin. It is like a powerful drug you will do anything to get.

Moral Statement: You are what you eat?

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn Bliesener

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Tell us the following:

1. Name?

Hi, my name is Carolyn Bliesener.

2. How many scripts you’ve written?

I’ve written 2 scripts.

3. What do you hope to get out of the class?

My second script is a horror-comedy. I wrote it during the ProSeries (which I just finished) and thought I should take Hal’s horror class to find out what the hell I was doing. I had a great time writing a first draft and now want to put it through the paces here and see what I come up with. Hopefully something completely different. That would be fun.

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?

I like bugs. Most people freak out when they see a spider, but not me. Now ask me about rats. You’ll see a different reaction entirely. Also, I never thought I would write horror (attempt to at least) and have only recently, in my 5th decade, started watching horror movies, which I’m enjoying immensely.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

SCENE QE CYCLE #5 FIRST DRAFT

Essence: Lying can get you killed.

Logline: A couple take a drive along a treacherous mountain road that leads to a showdown.

EXT. MANSION – DAY

A young couple leave the mansion and dash to a parked car in the pouring rain.

INT. CAR – DAY

PHILLIP, 28, handsome and upper crust, sits behind the wheel.

BRANDY, 25, super cute, but nowhere near Phillip’s caliber, sits in the passenger seat.

PHILLIP

This is crazy. Yesterday you told me you’re pregnant and today you want to sample wedding cakes.

BRANDY

(Laughs as she ruffles his wet hair)

I know, right? But it’s not really crazy, is it? I mean we’ve been together for over a month now.

Phillip politely brushes her hand away from his head and holds it as he looks at her.

PHILLIP

No, we haven’t. Been together. And who said we were getting married?

Through a window an elegant-looking older woman stares at the car, a scowl on her face. Abruptly, she closes the curtains.

BRANDY

She hates me living here with you…

PHILLIP

It’s her house. She feels put upon.

BRANDY

But I’m going to be her daughter-in-law!

Phillip lets her hand go and shakes his head. He starts the car.

BRANDY

She’ll come to love me! Just like you did. You do love me, don’t you?

Phillip sighs. He puts on his left blinker and turns.

BRANDY

(pause)

Why are you making a left? The bakery is the other way.

PHILLIP

I’m sure this is the right way.

BRANDY

Only if you’re going over the mountain. Is that such a good idea in this rain? I mean, knowing what you’ve been through before on this road…

Phillip keeps checking his rearview mirror. Brandy notices. She glances behind them, but no one is there.

PHILLIP

Brandy, I don’t mind helping you out, but you’ve been living at my house since my birthday party a month ago.

BRANDY

I thought you wanted me here!

PHILLIP

Honestly, I’ve been too polite to ask you to leave!

BRANDY

Well it’s too late now, what with the baby and all.

PHILLIP

We never slept together.

BRANDY
You don’t remember waking up naked next to me?

PHILLIP

That happened one time! And I don’t remember us –

(waves his hand back and forth between them)

Together! It’s impossible.

BRANDY

We were. And we could be again if only your mother didn’t keep me locked away from you every night.

PHILLIP

The guesthouse naturally has a different key from the main house.

Brandy shrugs, looks happily at her phone.

BRANDY

Let me tell you the flavors I picked to sample…red velvet, coconut and lime, pink champagne, carrot –

PHILLIP

I hate carrot.

BRANDY

Oh darn. I love carrot! Let’s go big and have two cakes!

Phillip frowns.

PHILLIP

Brandy, I think you’re super nice, a lot of fun, great laughs, but we barely know each other…

Brandy begins to cry.

PHILLIP
Please don’t cry. Don’t you have anywhere to go?

BRANDY
Are you breaking up with me?

PHILLIP

What about your parents?

BRANDY

They’re probably sailing in the Mediterranean. And my brother is on tour, the violinist. My other brother is studying penguins in the antarctic.

Phillip looks at her oddly. She bursts out laughing.

BRANDY (CONT)

No. I have not heard from them.

(looks at phone)

I’m thinking a three tiered cake with a bride and groom on the top. I love those.

The road turns mountainous. The rain gets heavier. Phillip goes too fast around a curve. Brandy looks up as a truck passes and nearly hits them. Brandy screams.

BRANDY (CONT)
Phillip! Jesus! That was close.

Phillip begins to shake and sweat visibly pours from his forehead.

PHILLIP

I need to find a pull out. I can’t see the road! Brandy! Help me!

BRANDY

Take your foot off the gas!

(covers his hand on the steering wheel with hers)

You’re having a panic attack. Breathe. In and out through your nose.

Brandy takes a few deep breaths and Phillip follows. He begins to relax.

BRANDY

Good. Go slow, ride it out. Driving in the rain is a trigger for you. You’re having a physical reaction to a memory, that’s all.

Phillip regains his composure as the rain suddenly lets up. He looks over at Brandy with gratitude.

PHILLIP

Thanks. All I could think about was her…final moments…I feel such…

His voice catches. He can’t get it out.

Brandy puts her hand on his shoulder. Phillip sheds a few tears. Brandy wipes one away.

BRANDY

It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident.

They drive in silence for a moment. The rain completely stops and the sun comes out.

Phillip perks up. He smiles at Brandy.

PHILLIP

You know what? I do like carrot cake. The first pull out I see we are turning around.

A POLICE SIREN

Phillip looks in his rearview mirror.

PHILLIP

Oh, shit. I forgot.

He steps on the accelerator.

BRANDY

What are you doing? Phillip! Stop!

Phillip ignores her, swerving around the curves, driving recklessly away from the cop who is now in hot pursuit.

BRANDY (CONT)

(points to the side of a cliff)

Pull over!

Phillip keeps going.

BRANDY

Please God, let me live to become Mrs. Phillip Wurst the 3rd, the sausage prince of America!

Phillip reacts with surprise. He takes his foot off the gas pedal.

Brandy smiles. She sighs deeply. She doesn’t see Phillip scowling.

Phillip takes the next pull over and the police car follows.

EXT. CAR – DAY

OFFICER FRANK, 30 and chiseled, walks to the driver’s side, his gun out.

Phillip grins, his hands on the wheel.

PHILLIP

Really darling, do you think that is necessary?

The Cop looks at Phillip and smirks. Brandy gets out of the car. Officer Frank immediately points the gun at her.

OFFICER FRANK

Freeze!

Brandy ignores him and continues to walk around the car to the driver’s side.

BRANDY

(points to Phillip)

Do you know who he is?

OFFICER FRANK

I said, freeze!

Brandy continues to walk toward him, causing Officer Frank to step back. Phillip makes funny faces behind Brandy’s back that only Officer Frank can see.

BRANDY

He is Phillip Wurst, the sausage prince of America! Heir to Wurst Pork Industries! And I’m his fiancee!

OFFICER FRANK

Shut up! Put your hands in the air!

BRANDY

The Wursts own this town and the police in it! Don’t mess with us or you’ll be busted to street patrol or a desk job, whatever you hate the most.

The Officer Frank grabs Brandy by the arm and whirls her around, pushing her onto the car.

BRANDY

Hey that hurts! Phillip, tell him to stop.

Officer Frank handcuffs her.

Phillip gets out of the car and walks over to her.

PHILLIP

My mother saw your pregnancy test in the garbage can. It was negative. Even if it was positive, I knew it wasn’t mine.

Phillip walks up to the Officer Frank and gives him a sloppy kiss.

PHILLIP

You see, we don’t play on the same team.

(to Frank)

Thank you, darling.

OFFICER FRANK

(enamored and wounded at the same time)

Why did you speed away from me? You could have been killed.

PHILLIP

(shrugs)

For a moment, I felt like cake.

Brandy tries to run away, but Phillip trips her and she lands face down in the mud.

PHILLIP

What to do?

He lifts her up easily to her feet.

PHILLIP

(looking out over the cliff at the expansive mountain view)

With you?

Phillip and Officer Frank begin to laugh.

PHILLIP

That was no accident that killed my greedy little sister.

BRANDY

(gasps)

You?

PHILLIP

That’s right. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about it. Just like I’ll feel bad about you from time to time.

OFFICER FRANK

Best to avoid this road from now on, baby.

PHILLIP

Good idea.

Phillip grabs Officer Frank’s revolver and points it at Brandy’s head.

PHILLIP

You think you can weasel your way into our filthy rich lives. Well you’re wrong. Except the part about us owning the town and the police.

He cocks the gun and Brandy gasps, shutting her eyes to the inevitable about to unfold when suddenly –

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Put the gun down, Phillip.

Phillip looks up to see his Mother standing there, pointing a gun at him.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Interest Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is…this was really fun! I had an easy time putting together a simple, quick scene just by brainstorming each interest technique and having a list to choose from.

Logline: Dabney accuses Chandra of stealing from the office petty cash box and fires her. She shows up at his house that night while he hosts a dinner party to ask for her job back. When he refuses, she reveals their affair to his wife.

Interest Technique Ideas:

Suspense, surprise, twist

Scene:

EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT

A tree-lined suburban street of stately homes and manicured lawns. One house in particular is brightly lit with many cars parked in front. A young couple, elegantly dressed, laugh gaily as they walk to the door and ring the bell. A short, balding, middle-aged man wearing a tuxedo opens the door with a glass of champagne in his hand. He is DABNEY.

A car pulls up and parks. CHANDRA, a beautiful and sexy 28 year old woman wearing shorts and a hoodie zipped halfway up and stretched tight across her chest approaches the house and rings the doorbell.

A moment later it opens. Dabney still holds a champagne glass and is looking behind him.

DAB

That was two BMW’s ago, my dear, when I hit the old lady!

He laughs with the others then turns to the door with a smile. It fades fast when he sees Chandra.

DAB (CONT)

What the effing hell, Chandra. What are you doing here?

CHANDRA

Please take me back.

Dabney steps outside. He closes the door behind him, but leaves it ajar.

DAB

We’ve been through this.

CHANDRA

I didn’t steal the fucking money, Dabney.

Chandra rubs herself against Dabney, pushing him against the door. It opens and Dabney falls onto the entryway floor. Chandra lands on top of him.

INT. ENTRYWAY – NIGHT

A large area with marble floors and a center staircase.

A good looking teenage boy with a backpack slung over his shoulder descends the staircase. He is CARL.

CARL

Dad?

Dabney moans, still clutching the now empty champagne glass.

Carl drops his backpack and pulls Chandra off his father. Chandra and Carl’s eyes meet.

CARL

Chandra?

CHANDRA

Oh hey, Carl. How’s it hanging?

Carl instantly blushes.

CARL

It’s good, it’s good.

DAB

(scowling)

Aren’t you going to help your old man up?

Carl pulls Dabney onto his feet.

CARL

What happened?

DAB

Nothing! I slipped and fell.

Dabney tries to take a drink from an empty champagne glass.

CHANDRA

I was reaching in for a hello kiss and went down on him.

Carl looks at his father with surprise. Dabney blushes, Chandra is oblivious.

CARL

Oh yeah?

DAB

(angrily to Carl)

Weren’t you on your way out?

A petite blonde about 40 years old walks in. She is AVERY.

AVERY

Honey, I heard the doorbell, but you never came back –

She sees Chandra.

AVERY

(Shocked)

Chandra!

Avery looks around hopeful, yet anxious.

AVERY (CONT)

Are you alone?

Carl hasn’t taken his eyes off Chandra.

CARL

Would you like a glass of champagne?

CHANDRA

I’d love it.

Carl walks past Avery.

AVERY
I thought you were going out.

CARL
Later.

He walks away.

CHANDRA

You know, while I have Avery here…

DABNEY

Shut up!

Avery looks out the open door to see if someone is in the yard.

AVERY

What is it? Oh God. Just tell me.

DABNEY
Nothing!

CHANDRA

Liar!

AVERY
Look, I’m sorry!

CHANDRA
Sorry for what?

DABNEY

Avery doesn’t need to know!

AVERY

What don’t I need to know?

The three of them pause and look at one another.

Carl walks up with two glasses of champagne. He hands one to Chandra. They clink and sip while Carl devours Chandra with his eyes.

CHANDRA

Dabney fired me this afternoon.

CARL & AVERY

What? No! Why?

DABNEY

Never mind, it’s an office affair.

Chandra chortles.

CHANDRA

I’ll say. You’re just trying to get rid of me.

AVERY

Get rid of you? Why Dabney? Chandra is lovely! Her husband, charming!

Dabney snatches the champagne glass from Chandra.

DABNEY
I’ve had enough of this. I must be getting back to my guests. Goodbye.

Dabney walks away. Chandra yells after him.

CHANDRA

You think just because I’m married I’ll stay quiet and let you fire me. Well you’re wrong!

Dabney turns around. He faces Chandra squarely in the face.

DABNEY

She’s a thief, Avery. Don’t listen to her.

CHANDRA

There’s a ring of freckles around Dabney’s left nipple. Dark. Almost cherry. 5 of them perfectly spaced apart. I thought it was a tattoo, but he said, no.

Avery has a look of horror. She begins to collapse.

AVERY

Oh my God.

Carl shoves his champagne glass into Chandra’s hand and catches his mother.

CARL

Mom! Dad, how could you?

DABNEY

(to Avery)

It’s not true. I told her about my freckles – she never saw them! -We were drunk. It was at the Christmas party, remember? You were there, you were talking to Chandra’s husband in the corner for hours…

CHANDRA

We fucked twice. Both times in the copy room closet. Hot. Sweaty. Quick in and out.

Dabney shakes his head.

CHANDRA (CONT)

Just the way we like it, right Dabs?

DABNEY

(to Avery)

She’s right, I have been trying to get rid of her! She came on to me! I mean, look at her! She won’t leave me alone. But nothing ever happened. I swear.

Laughter swells from the party room. Someone must’ve told a damn good joke.

CHANDRA

Just this morning you told me you loved me!

(to Avery)

He took me to the cafeteria and bought me a bialy and coffee. Sweet, huh?

CARL

I was wondering where you guys were. I came in and nobody was around.

DABNEY

You were at the office today?

CARL

Yep. I needed a couple hundred for my surf lessons. I took it out of petty cash. Guess I should have left a note.

Avery’s phone rings. She gasps when she sees who it is.

DABNEY

Who is it?

Avery shrugs, but her expression is one of fear.

AVERY

No one, my mother. It’s nothing.

CARL

Grandma’s alive? You told me she died 5 years ago!

AVERY

I meant my Mona! My manicurist Mona.

Avery takes the call.

AVERY

I can’t talk right now. What? Wait, let me hit the volume.

Avery fumbles with the phone and turns on the speaker by mistake.

MAN’S VOICE

Chandra’s home all day tomorrow, I don’t think I can get away. Oh God, Avery, I can’t stop thinking about you.

CHANDRA

(eyes wide)

Burt?

BURT (O.S.)

Chandra?

Avery screams and throws the phone out the front door that is still wide open.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Reveals

I learned the basic structure of a reveal.

EXT. APARTMENT COURTYARD – DAY

Jess stands in front of an apartment door with her luggage beside her. She knocks.

The curtains on the window move. A chain slides, the door opens. Gisele stands in a robe and slippers looking like a movie star.

GISELE

(irritated)

It’s early.

JESS

Stay away from my sister.

GISELE

Nataly can make her own decisions.

JESS

I mean it, Gisele…what did you say your last name was?

Jess takes out a small pad and pencil ready to write it down. Gisele looks uncomfortable.

GISELE

You’re ridiculous.

Gisele tries to close the door. Jess blocks her.

JESS

What does a woman your age want with an 18 year old kid?

Gisele bristles. Then a rare moment of truth.

GISELE

She’s nice to me.

For a microsecond Jess thaws. But Gisele turns on the freezer. She nods at Jess’s luggage.

GISELE

Long trip? I hope.

JESS

Oh, I’m not going anywhere.

The curtain moves. Jess gets curious, tries to look around Gisele.

JESS

(hopeful)

Nataly?

A cat appears and rubs against Gisele’s leg.

GISELE

Get the hell out of here before I call the cops.

Gisele slams the door in Jess’s face.

INT. GISELE’S APT. – DAY

Gisele leans against the door. Nataly kneels on the couch, she heard it all. They listen to the sound of Jess’s luggage wheels fading away.

NATALY

(concerned)

Where is she going?

Gisele shrugs.

She walks into the kitchen, calling back to Nataly.

GISELE

Did you give any more thought to my proposition?

Nataly squirms a little. Gisele reappears with two wheatgrass shots handing one to Nataly.

Gisele smiles.

GISELE

Look, I don’t want to pressure you, but you’re an adult now. You have to start acting like one. You can’t have your sister paying for everything.

Nataly looks at Gisele, a mixture of fear and resignation on her face. She nods her head yes.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Character Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment was…it’s important to be aware of how your character’s traits will help shape their relationships with the other characters.

Jess Jenkins – anxious, curious, ambitious, tenacious

Smooth Carver – deceitful, driven, conniving, controlling

JESS / SMOOTH

Jess’s ambitious trait works well with Smooth’s driven trait, providing rapport and also competition. There is conflict when Jess is curious about something and Smooth is deceitful about it. When Jess is anxious, Smooth takes advantage and becomes conniving. Subtext is they share a deep wound over the deaths of their respective parents.

May O’Malley – domineering, vulnerable, unflappable, forthright

Cleo Shanty – Sad, dreamer, stubborn, traditionalist

MAY / CLEO

May’s domineering trait contrasts with Cleo’s dreamer trait. May’s vulnerable trait provides rapport with Cleo’s sad trait. The unflappable trait of May’s could compete with Cleo’s stubborn trait, but I need to think more about that. The subtext is they are both hurting emotionally and want different things to ease their pain which causes conflict. However, their rapport is what allows them to help one another in the end.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s QE #4 Second Draft for feedback exchange

Logline: Maxine wants to bribe Renee in order to keep her quiet about her affair, but Renee wants more than Maxine is willing to give.

Essence: Juicy secrets are hard to keep.

Trait I changed: Renee – conformist to jealousy

INT. SITTING ROOM – DAY

Two attractive and well-put together women in their 40’s drink tea in front of a big picture window with an expansive view. They are MAXINE and RENEE. Through the window they don’t notice a tiny golf cart stop in the distance. A man steps out and walks toward them holding a golf club.

MAX –

Renee, I was delighted with your speech at the women’s auxiliary club last weekend. You would make an excellent emcee for the fashion show on Saturday.

REN –

Oh that’s so kind of you to say, Maxine! I do love giving speeches and I suppose I always had a tiny craving for the limelight. But aren’t you the emcee for the fashion show?

MAX –

It’s a plum position, emcee of the Riverdale fashion show. I’ve held it for years. People say no one is better with off-the-cuff fashion quips, you know that’s what they say. I’m getting a little bored of it. Perhaps it’s time to pass the baton.

REN –

Oh I can talk to anybody anywhere. Did you know that one afternoon I met the entire Ladies Iron and Wedge Club at Helmsted Golf Emporium over on route 8? Do you know it?

MAX –

(makes a face)

Hardly. You don’t really go there do you? Whatever for? You have Riverdale! We’re the most exclusive club in the entire lower half of the state!

REN –

(embarrassed)

‘Course not! Can you believe I got a flat tire just outside the place and asked for a cold iced tea which they did have and I got introduced to everyone! While sipping a delicious iced tea!

Maxine smiles weakly.

MAX –

Did they at least use fresh lemon wedge?

REN –

(laughs nervously, looks around)

You sure have a nice house, Maxine. (eyes a portrait of Maxine and her husband) Dale is a handsome man. I wish my husband took such good care of himself. I do indeed.

MAX –

Shall I email the details later today about the fashion show?

REN –

Oh that’s wonderful! I’d love it!

(suddenly gets serious) But that’s not all I want.

MAX –

(caught off guard)

Pardon?

REN –

(places the delicate tea cup on the table, leans toward Maxine and whispers)

Remember our little secret?

Maxine grimaces.

REN (CONT) –

Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. For now.

MAX-

(stands, looks down at Renee)

If you tell anyone what you saw – what you “think” you saw, I’ll be ruined. My children’s lives will be ruined. Riverdale will – oh, I can’t even think about it.

Maxine throws herself dramatically onto a chaise lounge.

MAX (CONT) –

And the house. What will happen to the house?

REN –

Mm. Would be a shame to lose it all. But then again, I would never risk all of this. You have everything I ever wanted. Including a gorgeous husband.

MAX –

I never would have. If he hadn’t cheated on me first!

(breaks into tears)

How could he?

REN –

The thing is. I hate bugs. I hate dirt. I hate plants. Yet someone put me on the garden and grounds committee.

Maxine blows her nose.

REN (CONT) –

I’m more of an indoor gal… I want the Christmas committee. Even co-chair of the holiday party this year.

MAX –

I co-chair the holiday party with my sister. One of us would have to step aside!

Renee spots the man with the golf club approaching. It’s DALE. Her eyes grow big.

REN –

You know Germaine, the cashier in the pro shop?

MAX –

The one who always has the tiny golf pencils behind her ears? Gross.

REN –

(talks rapidly while watching Dale get closer and closer)

We were talking and your young hunk Lars walks in and I must have let it slip about seeing you both in the pool house because I was talking about the lack of towels in there and I turned to Lars and said, remember when I found you and Maxine in the pool house half-naked? Because I walked in looking for towels and there weren’t any?

Renee looks beyond Maxine, smiles and gives a tiny wave. Maxine turns and sees Dale outside the window, the golf club in his hand.

DALE

(shouts through the glass)

You cheated on me with the fucking golf pro?

Maxine, aghast, tries to speak and fails.

Renee sips her tea, covering her smirk, her pinky finger in the air.

RENEE

Course, I can always lie and say I was with you and Lars the whole time! What, we were all half naked with just our swimsuits on. It’s a simple misunderstanding. All you have to do is make me co-chair of the holiday party.

DALE –

Maxine! Answer me!

MAX –

(to Renee)

Maybe you’re better suited at the Helmsted Golf Emporium than up here with us at Riverdale. I am on the membership review committee, you know.

Dale swings the club and SMASHES the window. Shrieking and flailing her arms, Renee runs. Maxine goes in the opposite direction and they meet behind the couch, crouching in fear.

Maxine and Renee look at one another.

MAX –

Well? What’ll it be?

REN –

You tell me.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Logline: Maxine wants to bribe Renee in order to keep her quiet about her affair, but Renee wants more than Maxine is willing to give.

Essence: Juicy secrets are hard to keep.

Trait I changed: I left out Renee’s conformity. I will replace it in the rewrite.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Two very attractive and well-put together women in their 40’s sit having tea in front of a big picture window with a beautiful view. They are MAXINE and RENEE.

MAX –

Renee, I was delighted with your speech at the women’s auxiliary club last weekend. You would make an excellent emcee for the fashion show on Saturday.

REN –

Oh that’s so kind of you to say, Maxine! I do love giving speeches and I suppose I always had a tiny craving for the limelight. But aren’t you the emcee for the fashion show?

MAX –

More tea? (she pours) I’ll be blunt. I’m getting a little bored of it. Perhaps it’s time to pass the baton. (holds out a plate) Butter cookies? It’s a plum position, emcee of the fashion show. I’ve held it for years. People say no one is better with off-the-cuff fashion quips, you know that’s what they say.

REN –

Oh I can talk to anybody anywhere. Did you know that one afternoon I met the entire Ladies Iron and Wedge Club at Helmsted Golf Emporium over on route 8. Do you know it?

MAX –

(makes a face) Hardly. You don’t really go there do you?

REN –

(embarrassed) ‘Course not! Can you believe I got a flat tire just outside the place and asked for a cold iced tea which they did have and I got introduced to everyone! While sipping a delicious iced tea!

Maxine smiles weakly.

MAX –

Shall I email the details later today?

REN –

That’s not all I want.

MAX –

(caught off guard)

Pardon?

REN –

(places the delicate tea cup on the table, leans toward Maxine and whispers)

Our little secret, remember?

Maxine looks around for someone listening, but the room has always been empty.

REN –

Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. For now.

MAX-

I’ll be ruined. My children’s lives will be ruined. The club will – oh, I can’t even think about it. And the house. What will happen to the house?

REN –

The thing is. I hate bugs. I hate dirt. I hate plants. Yet someone saw fit to put me on the grounds committee.

MAX –

I never would have. If he hadn’t cheated on me first!

(breaks into tears)

I hate him. How could he?

REN – The thing is, I see myself more on the Christmas committee. Even co-chair of the holiday party this year. What do you think?

MAX – I co-chair the holiday party with my sister. One of us would have to step aside. I can’t do that!

Through the window Renee sees someone from afar walking towards them carrying a golf club. Her eyes grow big.

REN –

You know Germaine, the cashier in the pro shop?

MAX –

The one with no makeup, always has the tiny golf pencils behind her ears? Yuck. What about her.

REN –

We got to talking and your young hunk Lars walks in and it must have slipped out about seeing you and him in the pool house because I started talking about the lack of towels in there and I turned to Lars and said, remember when I found you and Maxine in the pool house half-naked? Because I walked in looking for towels and there weren’t any?

Renee stares at the window causing Maxine to turn and look. She sees STUART, her husband outside in front of the picture window the golf club in his hand.

STUART

(shouts through the glass)
You cheated on me with the fucking golf pro?

Maxine stares at her husband, aghast.

Renee picks up her teacup and sips to cover her smirk, her pinky finger in the air.

RENEE

Course, I can always say I was with you and Lars the whole time and we were all half naked with our swimsuits on. It’s a simple misunderstanding. All you have to do is make me co-chair of the holiday committee.

MAX –

I wonder if Germaine knows any of the women at the Golf Emporium? I’d say they most likely travel in the same circles. Maybe you’re better suited at the Helmsted Golf Club than up here with us at Riverdale.

Stuart swings the club and SMASHES the window. Shrieking and flailing her arms, Renee runs. Maxine goes in the opposite direction and they meet behind the couch, crouching in fear.

Maxine and Renee look at one another.

MAX –

Well? What’ll it be?

REN –

You tell me.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn – QE Cycle #3 Rewrite

Logline: Nancy and Squire are trapped on the side of a skyscraper on a window washing scaffold trying to dodge a hitman.

Essence: Being a peeping Tom may cost you your life.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER – DAY

A scaffolds hangs off the side of a modern, glass building 20 floors up. A man and woman both in their early 30’s and dressed in overalls wash the windows. They are SQUIRE and ROSE ELLEN.

Another scaffold descends and stops alongside them and it too has a man and a woman window washer in it. They are MORTIMER and NANCY.

ROSE ELLEN

Hey. You’re going down early?

MORTIMER

(looking sweaty and pale, burps)

Don’t feel good.

NANCY

Mortimer’s got the –

(aside)

you know. He needs a bathroom.

ROSE ELLEN

(wipes her brow, rubs her stomach)

I’ve got a touch as well. Did you have any of the guac in the breakroom? I think it was off. Switch with me, Nanc. I’ve got to go.

NANCY
(glances at Squire)

And work with him? No way.

Squire looks at them both.

SQUIRE

Don’t put me with Nancy, she’ll find a way to push me off!

Nancy gives Squire the stink eye.

NANCY
You think you’re so smart. You know what, Rose Ellen? I’ll switch with you. I can take the opportunity to show Squire here how to use a squeegee properly.

Squire smiles. Nancy wants him after all.

ROSE ELLEN

I promise to come right back up after I take an Imodium.

Squire put his arm around Rose Ellen’s shoulders.

SQUIRE

Could you bring me up my box of Ding Dongs I left in the fridge? Really appreciate it.

ROSE ELLEN
Anything for you, honey.

Nancy and Rose Ellen switch scaffolds and the one begins to descend. Nancy calls down to them.

NANCY

You poor things. There’s always the bucket in case of emergency. Feel better!

Nancy waves one last time then picks the squeegee out of the bucket and shakes it. She looks up and whistles.

NANCY

That’s one long streak you two made from 32 to 22 from what I can see. I’m telling admin I did the right side of the building, just look up and see the difference. You’ve got to flip the squeegee to the right as you bring it down. Like this.

While Nancy talks, Squire looks through the window and breaks into a wide grin. Intent on her work, Nancy doesn’t pay attention.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

A WOMAN in bra and panties is embraced by a MAN in boxers. They scowl at Squire. Squire smiles and blows them a kiss.

The man picks up the phone and the woman grabs a remote control. Privacy shades come down.

Frustrated Nancy turns Squire’s face with her hands to look at her.

NANCY

I asked you a question! What do you have to say for yourself?

SQUIRE

Can we do this later?

NANCY

I didn’t ask to be here, I purposely asked NOT to be here when Morty made the schedule, but here I am! So NO. We cannot do this LATER!

Squire sits down, letting his feet dangle in the air.

NANCY
Why did you stand me up last night?

SQUIRE

My mother was sick and my car wouldn’t start.

NANCY
You could have called me!

SQUIRE

My battery was dead.

(He smiles, pats the spot next to him.)

Come on, baby. Let’s forget it.

Nancy shakes the wet squeegee onto Squire.

NANCY
One more baby and I report your ass to human resources.

SQUIRE

Ah, don’t be sore. You’re the one who dumped me for a Wall Street guy!

NANCY

That was after you dumped me, and he wasn’t from Wall Street.

SQUIRE

I saw him. He wore a tie.

NANCY

Travis repairs copy machines in offices! He’s a Technician. Geez! You’re so stupid.

(throws the squeegee in the bucket and faces him)

SQUIRE

So what? You still went out with him. Can’t trust you with anyone…

NANCY
Like you tell me everything.

SQUIRE

I do! Mostly…honey you know I can’t remember details. I’m a live in the moment kinda guy…

NANCY

Having a ten year old daughter is a detail?

SQUIRE

Come on…

(He reaches for her leg, caressing her calf.)

Let’s enjoy this view for a minute.

EAR-SPLITTING GLASS BREAKING!

The sound of RAPID GUNFIRE.

SQUIRE

Holy shit!

They both crouch.

The shooting stops.

They look at one another.

Squire bangs on the window with the shades down.

Nancy presses a button and the scaffolding begins to descend. A MAN WITH A GUN sticks his head out of a broken window above them and aims an automatic rifle.

Squire tries to hide behind Nancy as they press themselves against the building.

The bullets hit the ropes causing one side of the scaffold to fall.

Squire and Nancy tumble to one end, holding on.

Squire loses his grip and falls further.

SQUIRE

Help me! I promise if we get out of this I’ll take you to the fanciest restaurant in town!

NANCY

Maybe some day we will tell our kids about this.

SQUIRE

Kids? I said dinner.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

The shades go back up and the couple is now fully dressed. They stare in horror at Nancy and Squire who are barely hanging on.

Squire smiles and waves. Remember me?

The frayed ropes break and the scaffolding drops to the earth below, taking a screaming Nancy and Squire down with it.

WOMAN

The streaks are still there.

The man takes out his phone and dials.

MAN

You idiot. I said to bill, not kill the window washer.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

QE Cycle #3

Logline: Nancy and Squire are trapped on the side of a skyscraper on a window washing scaffold trying to dodge a hitman.

Essence: Being a peeping Tom may cost you your life.

EXT. SKYSCRAPER – DAY

Scaffolding hangs off the side of a modern, glass building 20 floors up. A man and woman both in their early 30’s and dressed in overalls squeegee the windows. They are SQUIRE and NANCY.

Squire looks through the window. He winks and waves. Intent on her work, Nancy doesn’t pay attention.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

A WOMAN in bra and panties is embraced by a MAN in boxers. They scowl at Squire. Squire smiles and blows them a kiss.

The man and woman look intently back at the window. The man picks up the phone and the woman grabs a remote control. Privacy shades come down.

Squire drops the squeegee in a bucket of water and sits down, letting his feet dangle in the air.

NANCY
What do you think you are you doing?

SQUIRE

Oh now you’re talking to me.

NANCY
You stood me up last night!

SQUIRE

My mother was sick and my car wouldn’t start.

NANCY
You could have called me!

SQUIRE

My battery was dead.

(He smiles, pats the spot next to him.)

Come on, baby. Let’s forget it.

NANCY

How about we forget it after you put a ring on my finger?

SQUIRE
Nobody said anything about that. ‘Sides, I’m still married. Remember?

NANCY
Sure, you are.

SQUIRE

What, you don’t believe me? What about the two grand you owe Sharkey?

NANCY
Like you tell me everything.

SQUIRE

I do! Mostly…honey you know I can’t remember details. I’m a live in the moment kinda guy…

NANCY

Having a ten year old daughter is a detail?

SQUIRE

Come on…

(He reaches for her leg, caressing her calf.)

Let’s enjoy this view for a minute.

EAR-SPLITTING GLASS BREAKING!

The sound of RAPID GUNFIRE.

SQUIRE

Holy shit!

They both crouch.

The shooting stops.

They look at one another.

Squire bangs on the window with the shades down.

Nancy presses a button and the scaffolding begins to descend. A MAN WITH A GUN sticks his head out of a broken window above them and aims an automatic rifle.

Squire tries to hide behind Nancy as they press themselves against the building.

The bullets hit the ropes causing one side of the scaffold to fall.

Squire and Nancy tumble to one end, holding on.

Squire loses his grip and falls further.

SQUIRE

Help me! I promise if we get out of this I’ll take you to the fanciest restaurant in town!

NANCY

Yeah? Maybe some day we will tell our kids about this.

SQUIRE

Kids? I said dinner.

NANCY
Do you want the rope or not?

SQUIRE

Sure, I want the rope!

NANCY
Am I your fiance?

SQUIRE

You can be anything you want!

Nancy throws him the rope and he pulls himself back up.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

The shades go back up and the couple is now fully dressed. They stare in horror at Nancy and Squire who are barely hanging on.

Squire smiles and waves. Remember me?

The frayed ropes break and the scaffolding drops to the earth below, taking a screaming Nancy and Squire down with it.

WOMAN

The streaks are still there.

The man takes out his phone and dials.

MAN
You idiot. I said to bill, not kill the window washer.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…recognizing how and where to use the interest techniques in a pointed way really improves the quality of the scene.

Logline: Elba gets a phone call from her estranged niece telling her Elba’s sister is gone.

Essence: Elba is not close to her family, but deep down still loves them.

Interest techniques used:

9. Uncomfortable moment

8. A startling conclusion with a major hook

7. Anticipatory dialogue

6. Creating a future

5. Mystery

INT. ART CLASSROOM – DAY

Young children stand at easels painting. All their paintings are of outer space – planets, stars, sun, moon, except one.

Elba is looking at ART STUDENT’s easel. It’s a big, black blob of paint in the middle of a white canvas. In the top right corner is a green sun.

ART STUDENT

It’s the Greenland sun shining on that space rock that crashed in the snow a million years ago.

Elba smiles.

ELBA

The one that broke away only to get stuck?

(under her breath)

I know how that feels.

A SMART STUDENT next to ART STUDENT chimes in.

SMART STUDENT

Ahnighito wasn’t buried in the snow for a million years.

ART STUDENT

Who?

SMART STUDENT

That’s the name of the meteorite you’re painting, dumb ass. It was buried for a hundred centuries.

ART STUDENT

How long is that, smart ass? Like a million years!

STUDENT

10,000 years.

Elba turns around and faces the smart student.

ELBA

That’s right. And that space rock is four and a half billion years old. How many centuries is that?

SMART STUDENT

I don’t know. You can google it.

Elba’s phone rings. She walks away and looks at it. It says Unknown.

ELBA

Hello?

MISTY (O.S.)

Aunt Elba?

Elba looks taken off guard.

ELBA

Who?

MISTY (O.S.)

Is this Elba Elm?

ELBA

Yes.

MISTY (O.S.)

It’s Misty!

Elba’s face drops. She rushes to a corner of the room.

ELBA

My niece?

MISTY (O.S.)

Yes!

ELBA

What’s the matter? I mean, what a surprise.

MISTY (O.S.)

Aunt Elba, Mom is gone!

ELBA

Oh my God. What do you mean?

Behind Elba’s back the kid’s voices get louder, they run around the classroom, supplies soar through the air.

MISTY (O.S.)

She’s gone! As in not here! Please, I need you to come home.

ELBA

She’s dead?

The children make an awful din.

MISTY (O.S.)

I should have seen it coming!

ELBA

I can’t hear you! Was it an accident? A disease?

MISTY (O.S.)

What? I don’t know what to do. Aunt Elba, you’re my only family and I really need you to fly home as soon as possible –

ELBA

I can’t hear, wait – I’m in –

Elba turns around and faces the class.

ELBA (CONT.)

Knock off the spitballs, put down the scissors and shut the fuck up!

The children freeze and stare at her with utter shock on their faces.

ELBA (CONT.)

(to herself)

Shit.

BOY WITH PAINT IN HIS HAIR

You said a very bad word.

ELBA

I know. I’m sorry. My sister died.

Elba starts to cry. The children rush over and give her a group hug. Misty’s voice can be heard yelling through the phone.

MISTY (O.S.)

She’s not dead!

ART STUDENT

The lady says she’s not dead, Miss.

ELBA

She’s not?

(into the phone)

She’s not?

MISTY (O.S.)

I don’t know. She could be.

ELBA

You don’t know? How could you not know, Misty?

Misty cries loudly into the phone.

MISTY (O.S.)

Two weeks ago she drove to Mexico with Howie Sharp, the #1 car salesman at Shades Ford. I haven’t heard from her since.

ELBA

Jesus. I dated him once in high school. He wore white leather shoes even back then.

MISTY (O.S.)

They’re on the run, Aunt Elba. From the cops!

SMART STUDENT

That doesn’t sound good.

MISTY (O.S.)

And I don’t have any food!

ART STUDENT

She doesn’t have any food? Are you a kid?

SMART STUDENT

Miss, this child is alone with no food. You have to help her.

MISTY (O.S.)

I’m 25! Who is that? Aunt Elba, do you have children?

Elba looks at the mostly concerned faces of the students. A few on the fringes are losing focus.

ELBA

Let me call you back.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…practice makes all things better and easier. I labored over this forever, and once I got through one scene, the second one came much faster. I also spent a great deal of time thinking about the essence. It allowed me to linger over a scene that was so short, but needed to convey so much. It’s not there yet, but it’s much further along than it was.

Scene 1

Logline: Cleo and Aunt May eat Thanksgiving dinner.

Essence: It is Cleo’s first Thanksgiving without her mother.

Goal: Have a nice Thanksgiving meal.

They argue, Cleo leaves.

Cleo’s estranged husband shows up.

Needs: For the dinner to go well.

Cleo gets drunk and passes out in a bowl of creamed corn.

May forgot to turn the oven on and the turkey never cooked.

Values: May is family-oriented and religious.

Cleo refuses to say grace before the meal.

May’s son doesn’t show up for dinner.

Wound: May’s two sons are estranged and her husband is dead.

Cleo misses her dead mother and breaks down, making May feel vulnerable.

Physical: Something happens at dinner.

The mashed potatoes are lumpy.

May drops the turkey on the floor.

Finding the mashed potatoes lumpy, Cleo breaks down in tears. Her mother always made the mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving because she made the best mashed potatoes anyone had ever tasted. And now she’s dead. Aunt May tries to cheer her up with a dance until Cleo brings up memories of May’s dead husband whom she misses terribly. They are both miserable.

Scene 2

Logline: In order to calm her anxiety, Jess participates in a guided group meditation.

Essence: Jess needs more than meditation.

Goal: To relax and benefit from the meditation

They run out of meditation cushions

She gets a case of the giggles

Needs: to get it under control, to find another way to relieve her pain without booze and drugs

The guy sitting next to her acts high and smells of pot.

A participant talks about the benefits of LSD.

The meditation teacher is drunk.

Values: Health and well-being. Working hard.

There’s burning incense and it causes Jess to cough nonstop.

Wound: The crushing guilt she feels about causing the car accident that killed her parents.

Sitting with eyes closed, Jess has a flashback to the accident.

Physical: Something happening during the meditation

Her phone rings and she answers it

A fire alarm goes off

Jess arrives at the meditation center late and all the cushions are gone. She folds her coat and sits on it, but it’s lumpy and uncomfortable. One large space is still available in the circle and she soon realizes why. The guy sitting next to her is drunk. Another participant kindly slides over the burning incense to mask the liquor smell, but it causes Jess to cough uncontrollably. Her phone rings, she answers it, excusing herself, grateful for the escape.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Full-Out Characters

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…taking characters I think are pretty good and trying to make them even better is the goal of this class I believe. (Not just characters!) This was a great assignment! I found my original subtext became more useful in the descriptions and allowed me to make new subtext for the characters.

-BEFORE-

Description: Jess is a free-lance journalist who goes undercover at a wellness retreat to chase a story and finds a secret cabal of cannibals who plan to kill and eat her and the other clients.

Traits: Driven, curious, tenacious, anxious

Subtext Jess is secretly addicted to painkillers

-AFTER-

Description: Jess is a journalist and addicted to pain meds. She enters a wellness retreat presumably to kick her habit, but she’s really there to chase a story. What she finds is beyond her expectations: a cannibal cult runs the place and is secretly harvesting and eating the clients.

Traits: Curious, tenacious, stubborn, faints at the sight of blood

Subtext: Jess believes she is responsible for her parents dying in a car crash the year before.

-BEFORE-

Description: Nataly is 18 and ready to spread her wings and take on the adult world by quitting school and getting a job to help out her older sister who is paying the bills.

Traits: Naive, trusting, wants independence

Subtext: Judy has an intense need to please others.

-AFTER-

Description: Wanting to show her sister she can earn money, 18 year old Nataly quits school after being swayed by a mysterious new neighbor offering her cash to “help out” at private parties.

Traits: Naive, trusting, headstrong, wants to be taken seriously

Subtext: Judy wants money to buy nice things to make her feel good.

-BEFORE-

Description: Gisele is a gorgeous recruiter of “healthy flesh” for the organic cannibal club.

Traits: Conniving, defensive, secretive, sad

Subtext: Gisele is out for revenge and will do anything for it because she has nothing to lose.

-AFTER-

Description: Gisele is a gorgeous recruiter of “healthy flesh” for the organic cannibal club and is out for revenge against her stepfather who runs the club.

Traits: Conniving, rebellious, driven, secretive

Subtext: Gisele hates what she’s become, but she challenges herself to make the best of it.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

QE #2 Rewrite

I’m pretty confused about where to post this assignment, this is the rewrite for the scene with John and Nick.

Also, I suck at this! I realized I have a pretty limited range, so I am extremely grateful for these assignments! I think about the character traits and the interest techniques all the time now!

Logline: John has kidnapped a woman and Nick must find out where she is.

Essence: Following the rules doesn’t always work.

INT. ICE CREAM PARLOR – DAY

The place is crowded with kids and their parents, every table taken and a long line waiting to order.

JOHN, late twenties sits across a table from NICK, late 30’s. They eat ice cream cones with one hand. Their other hands are hidden in their laps.

On John’s visible finger is a pin to a grenade.

JOHN

Thanks for the ice cream, but I know you’re not my friend. You’ve come for her, but you can’t have her. I promised my mama on her death bed I’d find someone to take care of me. She don’t want me being alone.

NICK

Hey, no problem. How about I get you another ice cream? We could sit here all day eating the best stuff on earth, for all I care. I don’t have any place to be. It’s just a little hard to enjoy myself when I know you’ve got a live grenade in your lap.

JOHN

Maybe I don’t trust you. You ARE a cop, aren’t you? Or you used to be. You got kicked off the force, ain’t that right? Damn. Must’ve done some bad shit for that to happen. Why don’t you tell me about it?

NICK

How about you put the pin back in the grenade? How about I tell you then?

JOHN

How about you show me your other hand and keep em both on the table?

Under the table, Nick fingers a revolver in his lap. Reluctantly, he raises his empty hand to show John.

The door opens and a young man, HANK, enters and joins the line of customers ordering ice cream. Neither Nick or John notice him. He reaches for his wallet in his back pocket and we see a GUN in his belt.

JOHN

Now tell me first. Then the pin.

NICK

(laughs)

So I get nothing for telling you how the force fucked me over and stole my pension?

JOHN

You see that nice family over there with all the kids? Blonde, pretty kids. Happy, bright little brats. How about I pick this grenade up and throw it right at their table? Go ahead, dare me you little fuck.

NICK

Okay, take it easy. You used to have a family, didn’t you? You’d hate for someone to blow them up, now wouldn’t you?

JOHN

Don’t go there. They love me. And I love them. I just can’t be around them anymore. She won’t let me.

NICK

Who? Who won’t let you be around them anymore?

JOHN

She loved ice cream. Rocky Road was her favorite. I love Rocky Road. I wouldn’t eat any other kind. I’m loyal in that way.

NICK

What is Mary’s favorite ice cream? You know her name is Mary, right? The woman you kidnapped.

A table of youths sitting near Nick and John leave. Hank licks his ice cream cone and sits at the empty table. He is within ear shot of their conversation.

JOHN

Her name’s not Mary, I call her Frannie. Tell me why you ain’t a cop anymore.

NICK

Frannie, isn’t that your ex-wife’s name? She lives in Chicago now, doesn’t she? With your two kids. Umm, Hannah and Chad, right? They’re still in grade school I believe. I’d be a shame if anything bad happened to them, don’t you agree?

John grabs the grenade and waves it above his head. Nick grabs his gun and points it at John.

JOHN

(Shouts)

You shoot me and you’re dead!

John climbs on top of the table.

JOHN

(yelling)

Don’t anyone move or I’ll blow the place up!

Everyone screams and cowers in the chairs or under the tables. Except Hank.

Hank stands and points the gun at Nick. Nick sees him and points his gun at Hank.

HANK

You fucking snitch. My partner is dead because of you.

JOHN

So that’s your story? You’re a lowlife snitch. Damn. I’d never snitch on one of my own!

NICK

Even when you knew what they were doing was wrong?

HANK

Lower your weapon!

Nick puts the gun on the floor and Hank rushes to him and cuffs him.

HANK

(to John)

Go ahead and blow up the damn place for all I care. I’m taking this shithead in.

NICK

Remember ice cream trucks when you were a little kid?

John frowns from an unpleasant memory. Nick notices.

NICK (CONT.)

I always liked the Good Humor trucks, ya know?

Nick studies John for a reaction.

NICK (CONT.)

Better’n Mr. Softy.

John’s body begins to tremble and his hand with the grenade begins to shake.

NICK (CONT.)

(quietly) Remember Mr. Softy? What did you like more, chocolate or vanilla?

Nick leans toward John.

NICK

(whispers)

402 Whittaker St. Chicago, Illinois.

John looks at Nick incredulously.

Nick smiles.

JOHN

You bastard. I’ll kill you right here and now.

NICK

Doesn’t matter. If they don’t hear from me because I’m dead, then your pretty little family is dead as well.

John looks defeated.

JOHN

Parking garage on 54th St and 10th. She’s locked in Mr. Softy truck #18.

(screams)

Now call off your goons!

HANK

Give me the grenade, first.

John starts to cry. Hank rushes to him and grabs the grenade. He reinserts the pin. Nick gets out of the cuffs easily and Hank hans him the grenade. Nick dials his phone.

NICK

Stand down. Check truck 18 in garage on 54th and 10th.

JOHN

You really are a cop!

NICK

How many cops would threaten you with killing your family?

JOHN

You’re just a liar. You never snitched on nobody.

Nick shrugs. Obviously.

NICK

What kind of a guy do you think I am?

John lashes out. He punches Hank in the face and he goes down. He lunges at Nick, managing to pull out the grenade pin. Nick throws the grenade out an open window and it EXPLODES behind a dumpster.

Cops enter, weapons drawn as John and Nick brawl on the floor.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

INT. MAJOR AWARDS CEREMONY STAGE – NIGHT

On stage are ROBERT and TRENT each holding their award. Robert, a handsomely scruffy twenty-something, beams at the audience and waves the award above his head. He shouts into the microphone.

ROBERT

Thank you! We love you! Now let’s go party!

Trent, also 25, tucks his coiffed bang behind his ear.

Robert hangs his arm around Trent’s shoulders as they exit offstage to the music playing.

ROBERT

(whispering in Trent’s ear)

You know they all think you’re gay.

Trent looks at Robert with amusement.

TRENT

You just hate that I love mani/pedis.

They pass a young woman who stares at Robert wide-eyed. He takes her hand and kisses it as they pass, giving her a rock star smile. She swoons.

ROBERT

Hey. As long as they don’t think I’m gay, I don’t care.

REPORTER

Congratulations, you two! How does it feel to be winners?

ROBERT

Honestly, it feels great.

(He leans in)

I heard one of the other nominees was in the john earlier throwing shade our way.

(he glances to another young man standing nearby)

I think it was him.

The reporter immediately leaves Robert to question the young man. Robert laughs.

TRENT

You’re incorrigible!

ROBERT

Too bad. I’m the bread, you’re the butter. We need one another.

Trent

(frowns)

Actually, there’s something I want to talk to you about.

ROBERT
(sees someone)

Laura!

Robert walks away, leaving Trent alone to face a barrage of reporters.

REPORTERS

Congratulations! Tell us how you’re feeling!

Trent smiles, adjusting his hair again and straightening his tie.

TRENT
Thank you, it’s really an honor, and –

Robert rushes back to Trent’s side.

ROBERT

I’m here!

Trent stares at Robert with surprise.

TRENT
They were talking to me.

ROBERT
Yeah? Well now they’re talking to us.

Trent is visibly upset. He looks back at the reporters with a forced smile.

TRENT

I would like to say, that the honor is all mine. My partner here, well he never did much of anything. It was all me, my ideas, my sweat and tears, mine, mine mine.

Robert smiles at Trent like, you’ve got to be kidding.

ROBERT

Yeah, when pigs fly!

(to the reporters)

You really want to know about this guy? He’s a fake. A phony. Never had an original idea of his own. I’m the spin doc. I’m the one who creates the magic. He’s just the crankshaft. This guy’s got nothing. Oh, and by the way, he’s gay.

TRENT

And we are married.

The reporters gush at the news and shout questions.

REPORTERS

When? Where? Who attended? Are you planning a family? How long?

Trent reaches up and kisses Robert on the lips.

TRENT
We’re so in love!

Robert is shocked. They leave the press and enter a back dressing room.

INT. BACK ROOM – NIGHT

Robert who has his back to Trent, suddenly turns around and punches Trent in the face.

ROBERT

How could you do that to me?

TRENT

Our partnership is over!

ROBERT

You son of a bitch.

TRENT

I did everything. You did nothing! In a few minutes two giant men are coming in here to beat the crap out of you!

ROBERT

What? Now take it easy, Trent. It’s been a long road here, but now that we’ve made it can’t we at least enjoy it?

Trent starts to weep.

TRENT
I want you out of my life.

ROBERT

Sure you do.

He starts to comfort Trent when two giant GOONS walk into the room.

GOON #1

Which one is he?

Trent points to Robert, Robert points to Trent.

The two goons look at one another and shrug. Then they punch both Robert and Trent out.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

EXT. BACKYARD – DAY

An urban yard with a few pieces of broken patio furniture and a 3 tiered wedding cake on a table with a busted umbrella. A small family group representing different generations stand around eating cake.

ROBERT, a modestly handsome 25 year old, stands next to CAROL (25 years old) who wears a white dress and flowers in her hair.

ROBERT

I heard Trent’s father couldn’t come today because he’s on his yacht in Greece.

(looking around)

Where is he, by the way? Where’s the guy who stole my girl?

Carol smiles, weakly.

ROBERT

(whispers in her ear)

I’m still crazy about you.

CAROL

(sighs)

Robert…

ROBERT

I got you a wedding gift. It’s in the house, I’ll go get it.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

A dilapidated interior with decades old decor.

TRENT, 25, very handsome, walks down the hallway with his arm around a young woman. They laugh at a shared joke.

When they see Robert the young woman blushes and pushes Trent’s arm away, exiting quickly into the backyard.

ROBERT

You son of a bitch!

Trent tries to walk past Robert, but is blocked.

TRENT

Get out of my way.

ROBERT

(pushes Trent)

You’re a goddamn dirtbag.

TRENT

Listen, asshole. If you don’t let me join my bride she’ll start to wonder.

ROBERT

You don’t even have a job.

TRENT

What’s it to you?

ROBERT

I heard you don’t have a rich father, either.

TRENT

Who told you that?

ROBERT

I saw the ring.

TRENT

It’s what Carol wanted.

ROBERT

I know what Carol wanted.

TRENT

I remember you now. You’re the guy she dumped because you’re fucking crazy.

ROBERT

Daddy couldn’t hop on his private jet and fly to Jersey, huh? I mean, we do have airports. Private ones even.

TRENT

You don’t know anything about it.

ROBERT

I know you’re a liar and a cheater.

TRENT

Carol dumped you and you wound up in the looney bin.

ROBERT

Shut up! It was a group home.

TRENT

What the hell are you even doing here at our wedding?

ROBERT

I’m going to tell everyone what you did.

TRENT

I don’t remember you on the invite list.

ROBERT

Listen, I only want what’s best for Carol, just like you. Right? You want what’s best for Carol. Sure you do.

TRENT

I love Carol, she needs me. And I need her. Now all we need to do is make sure she doesn’t find out about this. Okay? For everyone’s sake?

Trent grabs Robert by the testicles.

TRENT

And if you don’t do as I say, I squeeze.

Robert’s pained face points to the window. Carol sees him and frowns, puzzled. She doesn’t see their lower halves, being blocked by a table. Robert smiles at her.

ROBERT
Okay. She’s looking right at us.

Trent looks at Carol and smiles. He lets go. Robert shudders in relief.

ROBERT

(through smiling)

You’re fucking dead.

TRENT

(also smiling)

No you are.

Robert walks to the hallway toward the bedroom and Trent follows.

TRENT
I can’t wait to smash your face in.

ROBERT

Yeah. And if you’re so wealthy, what are you doing in Red Cloud, Nebraska?

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is… Interest techniques can be applied to any scene and make them pop all the more. This was fun, it definitely helped a scene that was pure exposition.

Logline: Jess googles the deceased MaraBella Kobe and finds out she had a brother.

Essence: Jess unwittingly reveals her investigation to the enemy.

Put in a more interesting setting

The original setting was in Jess’s bedroom. I changed it to the interior of a taxi whose driver is driving recklessly at high speeds.

Superior position/Dramatic irony

We know that the taxi driver is working for Smooth Carver. We’ve seen him before doing horrible things for Smooth. Jess knows nothing.

Suspense

We know Piker is a bad guy, is he going to kidnap her? Kill her? He is driving extremely recklessly, is he going to have an accident? Will he reveal himself to her?

EXT. SUPERMARKET – NIGHT

Jess hails a taxi and immediately one appears. She gets in.

INT. TAXI – NIGHT

Wearing a cap to cover his bald head, the driver looks away as Jess gets in the cab. It’s Piker.

JESS

52 Carmine Street, please.

Piker hits the gas hard, the tires SQUEALING into traffic.

JESS

Slow down, will ya?

Piker nods his head and tightens his grip.

Jess takes out her phone and googles “MaraBella Kobe.”

The top hit reads, “Head Found on Shores of Fredrick Lake.”

Jess scrolls… “Survived by a brother, Dale Kobe…

Jess types in Dale Kobe. She gets a Facebook hit. His profile picture shows a young man standing in front of a gas station with the sign, Garage and Pump.

Jess looks up.

JESS

Hey, are you from around here?

Piker nods yes.

JESS

Do you remember about a year ago a woman’s head was found by a lake?

Piker nods yes.

JESS

(excitedly)

Really? Did they ever find out what happened to the rest of her?

Piker doesn’t answer. He takes a right turn hard, slamming Jess against the door.

JESS

Take it easy!

Piker makes a hard left this time into oncoming traffic. A car BLARING its horn, barely misses them.

JESS

Hey, cut it out!

PIKER

(in a thick accent)

So sorry! Slow!

He slows down and Jess settles back.

JESS

You don’t speak English, do you?

Piker slams on the brakes.

PIKER

Here!

JESS

Thank God. (she glances at his ID card hanging on the dash) Vladimir Putin.

Jess glances at him, like you’ve got to be kidding. She passes a bill.

JESS

Keep the change, Vlad.

EXT. TAXI – NIGHT

Jess exits and slams the door. She walks toward the apartment complex looking at her phone.

INT. TAXI – NIGHT

Idling, Piker makes a phone call.

PIKER

(into phone)

Let me finish the job.

Piker listens to the response and grimaces.

PIKER (CONT.)

(disappointed)

Yes, Boss.

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – NIGHT

Jess googles Garage and Pump and dials the number as she walks into the apartment complex. Behind her the taxi’s tire’s SQUEAL away. Jess rolls her eyes.

MAN’S VOICE ON PHONE

Garage and Pump. How can I help?

JESS

Is this Dale Kobe?

MAN’S VOICE

Yes, ma’am.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn Profiles People

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…those core traits should show up in every line of dialogue and every action the character takes. Wow!

Person 1

Loud!

Perpetually late or cancels last minute.

Always cheerful

Responsive

Person 2

Opinionated

Ornery

Extravagant

Playful

Person 3

Hypochondriac

Obsessive

Can talk to anyone in the world

Loyal

It’s true once I looked through the lesson’s lens at the above 3 people I was able to better predict their behaviors. It actually improved all my relationships!

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn puts Essence to Work

What I learned is…I chose the first five scenes of a first draft because I want to go through the entire script and figure out the essence of every scene. So far I’ve tried to be as honest as possible, and sometimes it’s easy to find the essence and other times it’s not. I always ask, why is this in here? How is it driving the story forward? I’ve become so forward thinking I can hardly remember the past. Ha ha. This was a great exercise. I learned a great deal more about every scene.

Script: Cannibal Spa

Scene 1 Location: INT. MEAT LOCKER – DAY

Logline: Smooth indoctrinates the orphans.

Essence I’ve Discovered: Smooth has no choice but to make the orphans cannibals, because if they don’t eat from the deadly feast, they will become part of the feast and be eaten. In a twisted way, he saves them.

New Logline: Smooth saves the orphans, but ruins their lives.

Scene 2 Location: EXT. CABIN IN WOODS – NIGHT

Logline: Wally Bovine is attacked and killed in this backyard.

Essence: One of the orphans, Harry is now an adult and viciously murders and eats Wally because he is unable to control the intense cravings for human flesh.

New Logline: Unable to control himself, Harry sets off a chain of events that leads Jess to Heartly Farm.

Scene 3 Location: INT. JESS’S KITCHEN – NIGHT

Logline: Jess gets upset when her sister Judy asks her to visit their parent’s grave.

Essence: I wanted to establish Jess’s state of mind. She is decimated by her parent’s accidental deaths and blames herself. She’s developed anxiety and faints at the sight of blood.

New Logline: Jess is deeply disturbed by feeling she is responsible for the accident that killed her parents and she seeks comfort by using drugs and alcohol.

Scene 4 Location: INT. JESS’S APARTMENT – DAY

Logline: Jess gets a lead on a story, a bear attack.

Essence: Jess takes the story even though she is warned it may be a gruesome scene. She’s desperate to throw herself into work to escape her guilt. She talks herself into it, but braces herself with alcohol.

New Logline: Jess’s curious nature and reporter instincts triumph over her anxiety this time.

Scene 5 Location: EXT. WOODS – DAY

Logline: Jess arrives at Wally Bovine’s and becomes suspicious that this was something other than a bear attack.

Essence: I want to establish that Jess is going to be formidable in chasing down the story. This is the inciting incident so once she starts asking questions she’s on Smooth’s radar and Jess is a reporter so she has a lot of them.

New Logline: Jess becomes a problem for Smooth without knowing it.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Tell us the following:

Hi everyone, my name is Carolyn Bliesener and I’ve written 3 scripts. I’m near the end of the ProSeries and I’m hoping to keep my momentum going by diving straight into this class and doubling the quality of my writing. I’m currently moving from NJ to AZ with a husband and a 12 year old yorkie.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Name: Carolyn Bliesener

“I agree to the terms of this release form.”

3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to. (text follows):

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carolyn Finds the Essence

What I learned – every scene has purpose for moving the story forward. The essence is what gives the scene purpose.

Script I chose: Field of Dreams by Phil Alden Robinson

Scene 1

Location: INT. RAY AND ANNIE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Logline: Ray and Annie talk about the voice in the cornfield.

Essence: Afraid of becoming his father with whom he had a troubled relationship, Ray decides to build the ball field.

Scene 2

Location: EXT. BLEACHERS – NIGHT

Logline: Ray tries out the field lights and talks about Shoeless Joe and his father.

Essence: Annie says that’s the first time she ever saw him smile when he talked about his dad.

Scene 3

Logline: INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Logline: Ray and Annie are in dire financial straits and a man appears on the field wearing an old fashioned baseball uniform.

Essence: Their sacrifice may have just paid off.

Scene 4

Location: INT. RAY AND ANNIE’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Logline: Annie pushes back when Ray tries to convince her to let him go to Boston to meet Terence Mann. Then they learn they had the same dream about Ray being at Fenway and Annie relents.

Essence: Something bigger than them, some strange force is at hand.

Location: INT. CAR – DAY

Logline: Ray has to get home, the farm is in trouble. Terence decides to go with him. Along the way they pick up a hitchhiker. It’s a young Moonlight Graham.

Essence: Everything was meant to be. Ray was supposed to be there to pick up Moonlight.

SCENE

INT. ON THE ROAD – MORNING

Ray drives with purpose and speed. Mann looks relaxed.

MANN

Hell, I couldn’t quit now. I’ve got to see this ballpark.

RAY

Not everyone can see it. You might not.

MANN

I’ll give it a try.

As they turn onto the highway near the lake, a teenager with a duffel bag appears on the side of the road his arm raised in a hitchhiker’s stance. Ray pulls the car over to the side of the road.

RAY

I need all the karma I can get right now.

The car stops and the teenager runs for it. He tosses his duffle bag in the backseat and squeezes in after it.

TEENAGER

Thanks. You’re the first car by. I didn’t expect to get a lift so soon.

Ray starts the car back onto the highway.

RAY

How far are you going?

TEENAGER

How far are YOU going?

RAY

Iowa.

TEENAGER

Well if it’s okay with you, I’ll ride along for awhile. I play baseball.

Ray and Mann exchange brief smiles.

TEENAGER
I’m looking for a place to play and I heard all through the Midwest, towns have teams, and in some places they’ll find you a day job so you can play ball nights and weekends.

RAY

This is your lucky day, kid. We’re going someplace kind of like that.

TEENAGER

All right!

RAY

I’m Ray Kinsella and this is Terry Mann.

TEENAGER

Hi, I’m Archie Graham.

Mann and Ray just look at each other.

And the little Datsun heads off down the highway.

Essence:

Mystery solved as to why Ray and Terry went to Minnesota in the first place. And that dreams can live for ever. There is a greater purpose that we are unaware of.

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Thanks, Ricki!

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Tom,

I love the opening of the two entirely different looking women chasing after the same food truck. Right away I know they are different, yet share the same taste in food. Renee loves the food so much she is willing to bet the driver will stop in time and not injure her. That bit of action lines up to an extreme with Renee’s subtext of feeling entitled (Hal is always telling us to go to the extreme).

I got Renee’s traits of prissy, devious and possibly outgoing (more like aggressive). And Maxine’s traits of paranoid and inferiority complex stood out as well as emotionally wounded. She believes Renee broke a promise to help her get a better job/position, but we don’t know why Renee chose to do so. I feel Maxine could have been more tricky here (part of her subtext) to get Renee to act on her promise. I loved the ending too when Renee reveals she knows Spanish. Nice twist.

I tried to write notes like you did on mine by commenting next to the dialogue when I felt a trait was being expressed well.

I MAXINE

Breakfast burrito, por favor.

Renee elbows Maxine aside. (action showing entitlement)

RENEE

Club sandwich on sour dough.

Chop, chop.

Renee brushes her hair in the truck window’s reflection. (prissy)

FEMALE COOK

“Sore,” qué? No comprende.

MAXINE

la mujer perdedora quiere un

sandwich club en masa madre. (tricky?)

The cook looks at Renee, nods, smiles agreement with Maxine.

Both women pay for their food.

RENEE

Oh! Is that you? (devious)

MAXINE

Name’s still Maxine. When you spoke at

our company meetup, you said I was

qualified to advance and you’d put

in a good word for me with your boss.(emotionally wounded)

RENEE

Technically I didn’t. It wouldn’t

have done you any good. (I’m not sure I understand this line)

MAXINE

I’ve had my hopes dashed before. (emotionally wounded)

You don’t care for Latinas. (paranoid)

RENEE

In some cases, you’re in high demand.

MAXINE

I tried to leave a voice mail for you but it was full.

RENEE

So you’re the one who filled it up.

MAXINE

I get it. You’re only friendly

when you have to be. (emotionally wounded)

RENEE

I was joking. It’s good PR for

headhunters to address …

people who want to get ahead.

MAXINE

Giving false hope we can

advance floats your boat.

RENEE

I kept all of your group’s resumes. If

you qualify for anything I’ll consider you.

Maxine grabs her arm.

MAXINE

You shittin’ me? (paranoid?)

Renee pries Maxine’s fingers off her pleated sleeve.

The cook hands them their orders.

RENEE

Don’t give me reason to shitcan your resume.

Get a higher-level software certification.

The new hot stuff. Send me an update.

She hands Maxine her business card.

RENEE

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. This mujer

perdedora and you can do each other some good.

Maxine watches her do a brisk pace back to her building.

She blinks at the card. #

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Carol,

OMG! The audacity of a school principal stealing food out of lunch bags in the faculty room is beyond the pale! She got what she deserved. I mean, Catholic schoolteachers make no money. I know, I used to be one. I DO know about the weird smell. Truth. (Going for snobbish trait I think, but I really could relate.)

I loved your scene. Right away we get how entitled Renee feels. The disparity between her dress and her job, her klepto ways, she really doesn’t belong in this environment. I could see her subtext throughout. You do a good job setting up Maxine’s subtext. She has already contacted the padre and schemes to be witness to Renee’s takedown.

I’d love to see more piousness from Renee. What a fun trait to play with. Maybe falling to her knees in prayer as the security team drags her away, or fingering a rosary while she takes a bite out of that peanut butter and banana sandwich. Good job!

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Rebecca,

A great cliffhanger at the end! And a twist. I like how you developed the relationship, I got a good sense of how far back and deep these two go which made the betrayal even harsher. You also created a future. I love the period piece and the clothing. You nailed the character traits of prissy and devious for Renee. Great job, I really enjoyed it.

Carolyn

[Carolyn Bliesener]

Thank you, Doug. I appreciate your comments. I tried very hard to use all of the character traits and as many interest techniques as possible. The giving trait was hard and it’s true, the offer of ice cream was the only thing I could come up with. These assignment are challenging for me and I love it. Thanks for the lift!

Carolyn