Christina Parker
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Christina Parker – Day 17 Description
What I learned about this assignment was not much because I already knew it. I did go through the description and asked the questions; I added more meaning in a few places, tightened up sentences and made the read very compelling.
Looking at the last lesson I noticed it doesn’t have any notes on wordsmithing but I’m going to go backwards through my script and do that now.
I would appreciate some feedback It’s awfully lonely in this course.
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Christina Parker – Day 16 Amazing Opening Scene
What I learned about this assignment is that there are always unique ways of communicating stories. As a writer, we have to expand our creativity and find the right way to evoke the emotions the writer wants the audience to feel and facts that help them understand the scene.
I have 3 first scenes. Ist scene is the original, it shows how the box came into being but doesn’t have much emotion or intrigue. 2<sup>nd</sup> shows more conflict and tension but I feel the 3<sup>rd</sup> is better and the one I will use as it gives more drama and it’s as if the box wants to be found. I feel it gives the scene more emotion and intrigue.
1.
TITLES OVER BLACK
Egypt 1893
EXT. EGYPT – DUSK
An excavation site with WORKMEN digging and shouting in mixed dialects. In the distance stand the majestic pyramids. One team of four, work away from the rest.
The leader, a European ARCHEOLOGIST stands gazing across the land. He wipes his brow discouraged, it has been a long dig.
His Egyptian SERVANT’S shovel hits a flat surface.
SERVANT
(In Arabic; subtitled)
Master!
There is hope the Archeologist goes to the dig.
ARCHEOLOGIST
Let’s see.
The servant dusts the surface, the other workmen help him reveal an ornately carved box, its lid inlaid with gems.
The servant becomes agitated as he looks at the carvings around the box, he shakes his head. The archeologist pushes him aside removing the 15 inches square & 8 inches deep box. The archeologist smiles.
ARCHEOLOGIST
This will fetch a good price in the land of opportunity.
SERVANT
Where are we going, master?
ARCHEOLOGIST
America.
A hot wind blows the sand, the tall pyramids in the distance fade.
2.
Same as above except when they find the box a workman who touches it his hands are scalded. The second workman takes a cloth and picks it up but sees an ominous Egyptian Anubis figure looming over him. He drops the box and runs. Frustrated, the archaeologist takes the box and shows them how stupid they are.
Ending the same.
3.
TITLES OVER BLACK
Egypt 1893
EXT. EGYPT – DUSK
An excavation site with WORKMEN digging and shouting in mixed dialects. In the distance stand the majestic pyramids. One team of four, work away from the rest. MURMURING IN ARABIC.
The Egyptian SERVANT, strong in stature and discerning, leaves the men and walks toward the leader, a European ARCHEOLOGIST who stands gazing across the land. He wipes his brow discouraged, it has been a long dig.
SERVANT
The men have been working very hard they need water and rest. They say there is nothing here.
ARCHEOLOGIST
One drink, and then back to work.
SERVANT
(In Arabic; subtitled)
Drink then work.
The workmen sit drinking; the Archeologist sips whisky away from the men. No one notices the sand begins to ripple softly around the group. The ripples grow and fear invades the workmen.
The sand moves more deeply, two men run in fear. The other workman and the servant get swept in the whirlpool as the sand tunnels downward. The archeologist watches terrified.
The sand finally settles into a hole. The workman crawls out. The servant at the bottom of the hole sees a hard surface sticking out of the sand wall.
SERVANT
(In Arabic; subtitled)
Master!
The Archeologist goes to the edge of the hole.
ARCHEOLOGIST
Bring it up. Let’s see.
The workman jumps into the hole. He helps the servant pull out an ornately carved box, its lid inlaid with gems.
The servant becomes agitated as he looks at the carvings around the box, he shakes his head. The archeologist pushes him aside removing the 15 inches square & 8 inches deep box. The archeologist smiles.
ARCHEOLOGIST
This will fetch a good price in the land of opportunity.
SERVANT
Where are we going, master?
ARCHEOLOGIST
America.
A hot wind blows the sand, the tall pyramids in the distance fade.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Christina Parker.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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Christina Parker Day 15 Amazing 3rd Act
What I have learned from doing the assignment was that there is always something to improve an ending even when you think it’s great and has all the elements stated in the teaching.
Because my script is a TV series pilot, the ending has to be a cliffhanger which it is. My protagonist, Connor has stowed away in the criminal’s van to get the Egyptian box back to stop the plagues. The setup has been thoroughly established. The ending has Connor creeping down the hall seeking an opportunity to get the box in the kitchen. His phone rings causing the criminals to begin to search the house. He hides in the lounge behind the sofa. There is a trap door near him. One of the crims looks down the trap door then walks out of the lounge. Connor seizes his chance and throws himself down the cellar but hits his head. I had the lines ‘he lies unconscious,’ in the draft but changed that revelation to the end of the scene, where he is lying motionless with blood flowing from his head. I also thought of having more action, more running and hiding before the cellar incident but thought it would be too cliche. I am also at 55 pages and don’t want any more.
It would be good to bounce this off someone in this group but I think I’m the only student left. IT WOULD BE GOOD IF SOMEONE WOULD HELP ME WITH AN OPINION.
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Christina Parker – Day 14 Memorable Lines
What I learned from this assignment was that it’s easy to come up with good lines but great lines are a lot more difficult.
OLD
JAK
I didn’t say that, Felicity. You’re insinuating I don’t know what I said? (pause) Janine Delaware is a liar amongst other disgusting things. (pause) So, you believe her over me? (pause) Yeah, and you look like a bag lady.
NEW
JAK
I didn’t say that, Felicity. You’re insinuating I don’t know what I said? (pause) Janine Delaware is a liar amongst other disgusting things. (pause) So, you believe her over me? (pause) I don’t know what makes you so stupid but you should keep it because it’s really working!
I brainstormed over 50 lines that just weren’t good enough. I felt I needed to keep with the theme of stupidity. Not a fashion insult. I’m still
OLD
DANNY (V/O)
It all began on the last day of school.
NEW
DANNY (V/O)
There’s no easy way to say what happened in Creede. But it all started on the last day of school.
Same with this line but I needed to create more intrigue in the voice-over.
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Christina Parker Day 13 Unique Characters on the page.
What I learned from doing this assignment was that focussing on one character and their attributes really helped make creative choices that have more meaning. Because the dialogue is rooted in who they are. I’m looking forward to keep working on this for the rest of the dialogue.
Before (Connor’s dialogue)
CONNOR
Right, the ten plagues of Egypt in the who cares little town of Creede, I don’t think so.
After
CONNOR
Right, the ten plagues of Egypt in this dump of a town, I don’t think so.
Before
Jak begins to walk away.
CONNOR
Alright, I found an Egyptian box with ten figurines in one of the mines. Danny seems to think the figurines have something to do with the frogs. Says it’s the ten plagues of Egypt.
After
Jak begins to walk away.
CONNOR
Go on walk away but you’ll never find out what’s going on.
Jak stops, turns slowly.
I found an Egyptian box with ten of those figurines down the mine. Danny says all the frogs are linked to the ten plagues of Egypt.
Before (Jak’s Dialogue)
STEVE
I know whatever I say makes no difference to your behavior but I would ask that you reconsider your dress code. Do you have any idea how you look to people?
JAK
You mean how I look to the people in your congregation?
STEVE
Everyone! I don’t discriminate.
JAK
Yes, you do. You want to censor the way I look and it’s not happening.
She walks off. He goes to her, drunk, he stumbles knocking the low table, a photo of the woman falls. He picks it up. Staring at it he walks back to the couch. Jak walks up the stairs to her room.
JAK
(to herself)
I was hoping we could have a nice conversation, just for a change.
After
STEVE
You went out there looking like that?
JAK
Actually, no, I went out naked and put these clothes on before I came in.
STEVE
The way you dress is not acceptable.
JAK
To who, you and the judgemental so-called Christians in your church? Are you worried about your appearance?
She walks off. He goes to her, drunk, he stumbles knocking the low table. The photo of the woman falls. He picks it up. Staring at it he walks back to the couch. Jak walks up the stairs to her room. SLAMS the door, leans against it, upset.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Christina Parker.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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Christina Parker – Transitions Scenes with Meaning
What I learned from doing this assignment is that it gets you to look deeply at your script.
I only found one scene to change but it got me to scrutinize other aspects of the script for continuity.
I also noticed I do have about 70-80% flow and the rest are Q&A, visual, Reveal/Shock or subtext Transitions
Scene 1 Visual Transition
I’ve changed one scene where we end the scene with the Egyptian box on Connor’s bed to dissolve to a Flashback Scene of the box on the archaeologist’s bed in the past.
It gives both scenes a thread of similarity with not just the box but the boy’s and man’s greed.
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Christina Parker Elevated Scene Structures
What I’ve learned about the lesson is that this was difficult for me as this script’s scenes have been revised and revised countless times and I struggled to elevate them with deeper meaning, more than I already have done so far. By going through each scene with it in mind, I found improvements in 2 scenes.
This scene only had Connor riding home and waving to Earl & Sam. I’ve given it deeper meaning by including a flash of a traumatic event that has a surprise element that will become more evident in later episodes.
EXT. STREET – CONTINUOUS
Connor rides his bike. He waves to two old men known as EARL & SAM, sitting on the porch, they wave back.
He steadies the bike and lets go of the handlebars, spreading his arms wide and closing his eyes. He sees in his mind the sky and clouds floating by, he’s flying.
Suddenly, the scene changes to a door violently closing and darkness. He opens his eyes his hands grasp the bars, disturbed.
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Christina Parker
What I learned from this assignment was that it was important to have talking heads with meaningful action. While looking at my pilot, I only had one scene that needed to change, because it was boring not talking heads. But this is important to look at.
Old Scene
INT. PETERS HALL – NEXT DAY
Elizabeth notices the cardboard she fixed over the broken panel is on the floor. She tapes it back.
ELIZABETH
Those boys.
(pause)
Good morning, Connor.
Connor walks into the hall in his pajamas. Goes into the bathroom.
ELIZABETH (CONT.)
Typical.
INT. PETERS BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS
Connor is about to pee when he notices the water in the toilet is clear. He turns on the faucet the water runs clear.
CONNOR
Cool.
Radio is on in the kitchen. Connor flushes the toilet. Washes his hands, walks back to his room.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
The Creede water supply is free of contaminants. Well, that’s the official statement from the water board. The rivers are clear and the town water is safe to drink.
New Scene
INT. PETERS HALL – NEXT DAY
Elizabeth notices the cardboard she fixed over the broken panel is on the floor.
ELIZABETH
Those boys.
She tapes it back. Walks to the kitchen.
Connor walks out of his room in his pajamas. Someone is watching him.
ELI
Hey!
Connor turns sleepily. Eli springs out water pistol in his hand he shoots clear water in Connor’s face.
CONNOR
I’m gonna’ get you.
Eli pretends to be scared & runs Connor chases him. Eli loves it. The boys play.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
The Creede water supply is free of contaminants. Well, that’s the official statement from the water board. The rivers are clear and the town water is safe to drink.
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Christina Parker Pump Up Your Beat Sheet
What I learned about pumping up your beat sheet was there are always ways to increase meaning, entertainment value, emotion, danger etc even when the scene is working.
3 scenes I changed
ACT 1 Scene 6 Connor’s mother takes out a meager day’s takings from the till.
This scene needs more impact and emotion, which will lead us to understand why Connor wants to sell the box later in the episode.
Updated Scene 6 Elizabeth, notices a rip in her sleeve, she looks at an overdue rent bill as she takes out the meager takings from the till.
ACT 2 Scene 2 Steve watches TV drinks alone. Jak walks in they have an argument about her dress code.
This scene needs more punch and emotional setup visually.
Updated Scene 2 Steve watches a blank TV screen as he drinks alone. Jak walks in, they have an argument about her dress code. He gets up stumbles as he goes toward her but turns back.
ACT 2 Scene 5 Elizabeth turns on the shower it pours out blood.
This scene needed more shock value.
Updated Scene 5 Elizabeth disrobes turns on the shower but is turned away. We see the base of the shower is red. She is about to enter when she screams at the blood coming out of the head.
Even though these scenes haven’t changed much the changes have brought greater impact which brings more meaning to the scene.
New Beat Sheet
ACT ONE
1. (E7) EXT. EGYPT 1893 – DUSK
An archaeologist and his servant find an ancient box. They are going to America to sell it for a great price.
2. (E7) EXT. TOWN STREET Present Day – DAY
Tub & Gazza are two bumbling but menacing criminals, new in the town of Creede.
3. (E7) INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
We meet Connor, 14, his friend Danny. Connor is a rebel who doesn’t like Jak, the goth girl.
4. (E7) EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY
Connor has an 8yro brother Eli. Connor doesn’t want his brother hanging around him. Baxter, another of Connor’s friends is a smart nerd who gets bullied by Kade.
5. (E6) INT. GIFT SHOP – DAY
Connor steals an item for his mum’s birthday, he is seen by the local pastor and crop duster, Steve. Steve questions his own faith. Danny, Connor’s friend is a Christian.
6. (E7) INT. SHOP: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT – LATER…
A woman, Elizabeth, notices a rip in her sleeve, she looks at an overdue rent bill as she takes out the meager takings from the till.
7. (E7) INT. PETERS HOUSE – CONT…
The woman is Elizabeth, Connor’s mum. She reprimands Connor for not bringing Eli home as he has asthma. Connor has an attitude when he sees Eli has made a potholder for his mom’s birthday. Connor accidentally drops it and it breaks. Eli is upset.
8. (E9) EXT. and then INT. MINE – CONT…
Connor meets up with Baxter and Danny at the abandoned mine. They go inside while exploring a rock slide has Connor stumbling into a vertical shaft. He finds an ancient box buried down a tunnel and the boys make their way out. The box opens to reveal ten figurines. Connor gives a frog figurine to Baxter and the Nile god figurine to Danny. As they leave the water they spilled previously has turned to blood.
ACT TWO
1. (E6) INT. TRAIN 1893 – DAY
The servant warns his master, the archaeologist, that the box will only bring death. The archaeologist rebukes him.
2. (E8) INT. STEVE’S LOUNGE Present – NIGHT
Steve watches a blank TV screen as he drinks alone. Jak walks in, they have an argument about her dress code. He gets up stumbles as he goes toward her but turns back.
3. (E9) INT. CONNORS ROOM – NIGHT
Planes adorn the room Eli plays with one of the figurines from the box while outside the room Connor and his mum argue about chores. Eli drops the figurine under Connor’s bed.
Baxter calls Connor to tell him he has found information on the box. It represented the ten plagues of Egypt and there was a warning on the box. He relates that the Nile God was the god of water.
While in the kitchen Elizabeth turns on the faucet blood fills the glass.
Elizabeth interrupts Baxter to tell Connor not to drink the water. Connor wants to know if Elizabeth had a lot of money would she move to the city.
4. (E8) INT. 1893 BEDROOM CREEDE – DAY
The servant secretly takes the box from his master’s room and hides it. The archaeologist shoots his servant.
5. (E8) INT. PETERS BATHROOM – CONT…
Elizabeth disrobes turns on the shower but is turned away. We see the base of the shower is red. She is about to enter when she screams at the blood coming out of the head.
6. (E5) PETERS KITCHEN – LATER
Elizabeth on the phone: The water board finds that the contamination in the water is blood but hides it from the public.
Connor and Eli watch the TV report on the town trying to cope with the strange red water. Show rivers of blood and the town trying to cope with the situation. Need to change it so Connor is pushing his Mom to go to town. Because he’s grounded for a day.
7. (E6) EXT. TOWN– LATER
Elizabeth takes the boys to get some bottled water from the town hall that has been shipped in but as they are handed out the water in the bottles turns red.
8. (E6) INT. ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Tub & Gazza try to sell stolen goods. This scene is part of scene 14.
9. (E6) EXT. STREET – CONT…
A fire hydrant bursts gushing blood. Lawns sprinklers spout red blood. Vending water machines are now red. No coffee signs due to bad water.
10. (E7) INT ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Connor finds out the box could be worth a fortune if he can get the other three figurines. Tub and Gazza overhear and want it.
11. (E8) INT CONNORS ROOM – LATER
Connor tries to find the missing figurine (that’s under the bed) Tub & Gazza plan to steal the box when they all go to bed. But they bungle the burglary and run away empty-handed.
12. (E5) INT. PETERS BATHROOM – MORNING
The water is clear again. Need to make this bigger
ACT THREE
1. (E7) INT. BAXTERS HOUSE – CONT…
The frog plague starts in Baxter’s room because he has the frog god figurine. The water turned to blood because of Danny’s figurine. The kid’s show initiative in getting rid of the frogs but they multiple outside Baxters house. Danny says it’s because opening the box has resulted in bringing back the ten plagues of Egypt. All Connor wants are the figurines. Danny gives him his but Baxter’s dog runs off with his.
2. (E7) EXT. PARK – CONT…
Jak has no friends, she manipulates herself into the boy’s group with the frog figurine and dog. Tub & Gazza are following. Everyone but Connor is convinced that putting the box back in the mine will stop the plagues. Connor lies to his friends about doing it. Instead, he is going to sell it.
3. (E8) INT. ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Gazza, posing as the dealer, tricks the box from Connor.
ACT FOUR
1. (E8) EXT. STREET – CONT…
Connor gives chase to get the box back. The frog plague in the town gets worse and traffic is backed up. Connor gets in the back of Tub & Gazza’s van without them noticing. Cars are smashing.
2. (E8) EXT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – LATER
Gazza makes calls to fence the box. Through the window, Connor sees that Gazza is the sinister of the two criminals. Gazza puts a gun on the table.
3. (E9) INT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – CONT…
Connor goes inside but his phone rings, the ring tone alerts the crooks.
Baxter, Danny & Jak ring Connor. It rings out.
Hiding from the crooks, Connor opens a trap door and falls into the cellar unconscious. Tub & Gazza don’t have a clue. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Gazza goes back to the trap door about to open it but turns back.
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Christina Parker Scene Ratings
ACT ONE
1. (E7) EXT. EGYPT 1893 – DUSK
An archaeologist and his servant find an ancient box. They are going to America to sell it for a great price.
2. (E7) EXT. TOWN STREET Present Day – DAY
Tub & Gazza are two bumbling but menacing criminals, new in the town of Creede.
3. (E7) INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
We meet Connor, 14, his friend Danny. Connor is a rebel who doesn’t like Jak, the goth girl.
4. (E7) EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY
Connor has an 8yro brother Eli. Connor doesn’t want his brother hanging around him. Baxter, another of Connor’s friends is a smart nerd who gets bullied by Kade.
5. (E6) INT. GIFT SHOP – DAY
Connor steals an item for his mum’s birthday, he is seen by the local pastor and crop duster, Steve. Steve questions his own faith. Danny, Connor’s friend is a Christian.
6. (E6) INT. SHOP: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT – LATER…
A woman Elizabeth, Connor’s mom, takes out the meager days takings from the till.
7. (E7) INT. PETERS HOUSE – CONT…
The woman is Elizabeth, Connor’s mum. She reprimands Connor for not bringing Eli home as he has asthma. Connor has an attitude when he sees Eli has made a potholder for his mom’s birthday. Connor accidentally drops it and it breaks. Eli is upset.
8. (E9) EXT. and then INT. MINE – CONT…
Connor meets up with Baxter and Danny at the abandoned mine. They go inside while exploring a rock slide has Connor stumbling into a vertical shaft. He finds an ancient box buried down a tunnel and the boys make their way out. The box opens to reveal ten figurines. Connor gives a frog figurine to Baxter and the Nile god figurine to Danny. As they leave the water they spilled previously has turned to blood.
ACT TWO
1. (E6) INT. TRAIN 1893 – DAY
The servant warns his master, the archaeologist, that the box will only bring death. The archaeologist rebukes him.
2. (E7) INT. STEVE”S LOUNGE Present – NIGHT
Steve watches TV & drinks alone. Jak walks in and they have an argument about her dress code.
3. (E9) INT. CONNORS ROOM – NIGHT
Planes adorn the room Eli plays with one of the figurines from the box while outside the room Connor and his mum argue about chores. Eli drops the figurine under Connor’s bed.
Baxter calls Connor to tell him he has found information on the box. It represented the ten plagues of Egypt and there was a warning on the box. He relates that the Nile God was the god of water.
While in the kitchen Elizabeth turns on the faucet blood fills the glass.
Elizabeth interrupts Baxter to tell Connor not to drink the water. Connor wants to know if Elizabeth had a lot of money would she move to the city.
4. (E8) INT. 1893 BEDROOM CREEDE – DAY
The servant secretly takes the box from his master’s room and hides it. The archaeologist shoots his servant.
5. (E6) INT. PETERS BATHROOM – CONT…
The shower pours blood. Elizabeth is shocked.
6. (E5) PETERS KITCHEN – LATER
Elizabeth on the phone: The water board finds that the contamination in the water is blood but hides it from the public.
Connor and Eli watch the TV report on the town trying to cope with the strange red water. Show rivers of blood and the town trying to cope with the situation. Need to change it so Connor is pushing his Mom to go to town. Because he’s grounded for a day.
7. (E6) EXT. TOWN– LATER
Elizabeth takes the boys to get some bottled water from the town hall that has been shipped in but as they are handed out the water in the bottles turns red.
8. (E6) INT. ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Tub & Gazza try to sell stolen goods. This scene is part of scene 14.
9. (E6) EXT. STREET – CONT…
A fire hydrant bursts gushing blood. Lawns sprinklers spout red blood. Vending water machines are now red. No coffee signs due to bad water.
10. (E7) INT ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Connor finds out the box could be worth a fortune if he can get the other three figurines. Tub and Gazza overhear and want it.
11. (E8) INT CONNORS ROOM – LATER
Connor tries to find the missing figurine (that’s under the bed) Tub & Gazza plan to steal the box when they all go to bed. But they bungle the burglary and run away empty-handed.
12. (E5) INT. PETERS BATHROOM – MORNING
The water is clear again. Need to make this bigger
ACT THREE
1. (E7) INT. BAXTERS HOUSE – CONT…
The frog plague starts in Baxter’s room because he has the frog god figurine. The water turned to blood because of Danny’s figurine. The kid’s show initiative in getting rid of the frogs but they multiple outside Baxters house. Danny says it’s because opening the box has resulted in bringing back the ten plagues of Egypt. All Connor wants are the figurines. Danny gives him his but Baxter’s dog runs off with his.
2. (E7) EXT. PARK – CONT…
Jak has no friends, she manipulates herself into the boy’s group with the frog figurine and dog. Tub & Gazza are following. Everyone but Connor is convinced that putting the box back in the mine will stop the plagues. Connor lies to his friends about doing it. Instead, he is going to sell it.
3. (E8) INT. ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Gazza, posing as the dealer, tricks the box from Connor.
ACT FOUR
1. (E8) EXT. STREET – CONT…
Connor gives chase to get the box back. The frog plague in the town gets worse and traffic is backed up. Connor gets in the back of Tub & Gazza’s van without them noticing. Cars are smashing.
2. (E7) EXT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – LATER
Gazza makes calls to fence the box. Through the window, Connor sees that Gazza is the sinister of the two criminals.
3. (E9) INT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – CONT…
Connor goes inside but his phone rings, the ring tone alerts the crooks.
Baxter, Danny & Jak ring Connor. It rings out.
Hiding from the crooks, Connor opens a trap door and falls into the cellar unconscious. Tub & Gazza don’t have a clue.
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Christina Parker Introducing Characters Powerfully
What I learned about this assignment was that even though you have analyzed your intros they can always be better.
Danny
1. Sits in class, disapproving of Connor’s practical joke.
2. Is called on by the teacher.
Baxter
1. End of school, Baxter is texting.
2. Kade, a bully knocks his phone out of his hand, it breaks.
Connor
1. In school, everyone is bored watching Egyptology (important plot info) Is trying to grab the frog. (Frog pre-shadow)
2. Jak wakes the teacher stopping him.
3. Danny doesn’t want him to do it.
4. Connor gets the frog throws it on the teacher’s lap, pandemonium erupts.
THE OLD INTRO
EXT. CREEDE SCHOOL – DAY
A large, plain white, flat-roofed, building with a sign that reads “Creede High School”.
INT. CLASSROOM – CONTINUOUS
The Screen shows an Egyptian figurine and the Nile.
COMMENTATOR (V.O.) In Egyptian culture, the sun represented the primary element of life. In the desert climate, water was sacred. The Egyptians considered the Nile river a god as it supplied life-giving water to its people.
Fifteen children sit in chairs, sweaty and fidgety. The TEACHER dozes.
CONNOR PETERS 14, a striking confident-looking boy, gets the attention of his mate DANNY SOUZA 14. JACINTA (JAK) CRESSWELL 14, the goth girl, sits apart from the others.
Connor reaches into the aquarium. Danny shakes his head. Connor is about to take out a frog-Jak COUGHS waking the teacher. Connor pulls his arm back. Connor gives Jak a cold stare. She stares back with attitude. The teacher, MISS WATERS stirs. Connor reaches in, Danny shakes his head points to the clock.
JAK(loudly) Miss Waters.
Miss Waters wakes. Connor pulls his arm back.
MISS WATERS Ah, yes, Jacinta.
JAK It’s nothing.
Connor makes a fist at Jak. She pokes her tongue at him. Connor grabs the frog holds it for a moment. Danny puts his head in his hands. Connor grins throws the frog on the teacher’s lap.
Waters wakes, SCREAMS, pandemonium erupts, students LAUGH, the girls SHRIEK as the frog jumps their way.
MISS WATERS Somebody put that frog back. How did that it get out of there anyway?
CONNOR It jumped.
Connor raises his eyebrows at Jak.
MISS WATERS Whoever’s taking the reptiles for the holidays take them now. Class dismissed. Not you Danny.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY
Connor walks up to his brother ELI PETERS an angelic-faced boy of 8.
CONNOR You’re going to have to ride home by yourself, I’ve got something to do.
ELI Can’t I come?
CONNOR No.
ELI Mom said-
CONNOR -I don’t care
Leaning against a building staring at his phone is BAXTER FIRTH the THIRD, a nerdy, 15 yo. KADE, a bully and HIS FRIEND see Baxter and head for him, they bump him knocking his phone to the ground.
KADE Oh dear, poor Firth the Nerd. Is it broken?
Baxter picks up the phone. The screen is smashed.
KADE Pity, but you don’t have to worry, mommy and daddy will buy you a new one.
Kade and his mate LAUGH and walk off. Overseeing the incident, Connor goes over to Baxter.
CONNOR I hate him.
BAXTER Probably not as much as he hates me. It’s just inconvenient the way it spills out. My parents are beginning to think I’m accident-prone.
Danny runs up to them.
CONNOR (to Danny) What did she want you for?
DANNY I just had to pack up. She likes me. You know you almost got caught ay.
CONNOR Yeah, it was all Jacinta Cresswell’s fault.
DANNY Speaking of Jacinta Cresswell.
Jak walks past them.
CONNOR (CONT.) Jak, when are you gonna’ learn this is a no ghoul zone.
Jak gives him the finger, slaps the gum in her mouth, and walks off.
DANNY Nice girl.
The boys get on their bikes and take off. Connor’s backpack says “See the world, learn to fly”. Eli gets on his bike, dejected.
NEW INTRO WITH VOICE OVER BY DANNY
EXT. CREEDE SCHOOL – DAY
A large, plain white, flat-roofed, building with a sign that reads “Creede High School”.
INT. CLASSROOM – CONTINUOUS
A screen shows Egyptian artifacts and the river Nile. Fifteen children sit, sweaty and fidgety. The TEACHER MISS WATERS dozes.
DANNY (V.O.) It all began on the last day of school.
COMMENTATOR (V.O.) In Egyptian culture, the sun represented the primary element of life. In the desert climate, water was sacred. The Egyptians considered the Nile river a god as it supplied life-giving water to its people.
CONNOR PETERS 14, mischievous & cool, gets the attention of his mate DANNY SOUZA, not cool, pudgy.
DANNY (V.O.) Connor’s my best friend. He’s going to be a pilot one day. If he ever gets out of this town. And he will. Then there’s Jacinta Cresswell I don’t need to say anything about her. One look says it all.
JACINTA (JAK) CRESSWELL 14, the goth girl, sits apart from the others. Pokes her tongue out at Connor.
Connor reaches into the aquarium. Danny shakes his head. Jak COUGHS waking the teacher. Connor pulls his arm back. Connor gives Jak a cold stare. She stares back with attitude. Connor reaches in, Danny shakes his head points to the clock.
JAK (loudly) Miss Waters.
Miss Waters wakes. Connor pulls his arm back.
MISS WATERS Ah, yes.
JAK Nothing.
Connor makes a fist at Jak. She sneers at him. Connor grabs the frog holds it for a moment. Danny puts his head in his hands. Connor grins throws the frog on the teacher’s lap.
Waters wakes, SCREAMS, pandemonium erupts, students LAUGH, the girls SHRIEK as the frog jumps their way.
MISS WATERS Put that frog back.
Connor raises his eyebrows at Jak.
MISS WATERS Whoever’s taking the reptiles for the holidays take them now. Class dismissed.
DANNY (V.O.) Connor pushes me to do stuff I’ve always wanted to do, mostly awesome. Except sometimes I get the blame ay.
MISS WATERS Not you Danny Souza!
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY
Connor walks up to his brother ELI PETERS an angelic-faced boy of 8.
CONNOR You’re going to have to ride home by yourself, I’ve got something to do.
ELI Can’t I come?
CONNOR No.
ELI Mom said-
CONNOR -I don’t care
BAXTER FIRTH the THIRD, a nerdy, 15 yo, is sitting on a pile of books still studying.
DANNY (V.O.) Now Baxter Firth the third is going to be a scientist. He’s a year older, he gets bullied by Tom who’s envious of Baxter’s brains and money.
Tom, and HIS FRIEND see Baxter and head for him, they bump him knocking his books. They pick him up and take his phone, dropping it. Baxter picks it up the screen is broken.
TOM It’s okay, Mommy and daddy will buy you a new one.
Tom and his friend LAUGH and walk off. Connor goes over to Baxter.
CONNOR I hate him.
BAXTER Probably not as much as he hates me. At least it’s only the screen that’s broken. My parents are beginning to think I’m accident-prone.
Danny runs up to them.
CONNOR (to Danny) Did you get into trouble?
DANNY Nah, I just had to wipe the board.
Jak walks past them.
CONNOR (CONT.) Jak, when are you gonna’ learn this is a no ghoul zone.
Jak gives him the finger, slaps the gum in her mouth, and walks off.
DANNY Nice girl.
The boys get on their bikes and take off. Connor’s backpack says “See the world, learn to fly”. Eli gets on his bike, dejected.
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Christina Parker Character Story Beats
What I learned from this exercise is that when separating the character’s beats we can see gaps in story and personality traits that may not intergrate.
Character Profiles
1. Character Name: Connor Peters
Role: 14yro protagonist, friend, brother, son
Core Character Traits: Natural-leader, visionary, smart
Character Subtext Logline: Connor 14, is a future pilot and born leader confined by poverty, a small town, and a father’s love.
Flaw: Selfish
Want: He wants to leave Creede so he can one day learn to fly planes.
Needs: a father’s love
Secret: He lies to his friends
What makes this character unique: He is a cool kid who is the leader of a bunch of misfits.
Character Arc: Connor Peters is a teen whose lack of a father figure has made him a leader who wants control at any cost until the plagues which causes him to trust others and be able to do what’s right instead of what he wants.
Improvement– We like Connor because he befriends kids who are different. The character arc was added and a character subtext. This will be an interesting change as a love interest for his mother in later episodes creates tension.
2. Character Name: Danny Souza
Role: 14, Connor’s best friend,
Core Character Traits: reliable, trustworthy, Christian, moral.
Flaw: He is afraid of everything
Want: Wants to do the right thing.
Need: to find the courage to stand up.
Secret: He has trouble being heard at home.
What makes this character unique: He knows Connor’s flaws but likes him anyway.
Character Arc: Danny is a teen who wants to do the right thing but fear stops him. The plagues force him to face those fears.
Improvement – Character Arc, Unique. The secret will help him in facing his family it will help him to face the demons in later episodes.
3. Character Name: Jacinta Cresswell (Jak)
Role: 14, The pastor’s daughter and friend to boys
Core Character Traits: feisty, flamboyant, witty, brooding.
Flaw: has a temper
Wants: Attention
Need: Her father’s love and understanding
Secret: She loves the color pink
What makes this character unique: her shock value.
Improvement – Brooding, Wants, unique. Make her dialogue more shockable.
4. Character Name: Gazza
Role: Criminal thief, antagonist
Core Character Traits: Devious, Big-thinking, thinks he’s smart,
Character Subtext Logline:
Flaw: Greedy
Want: To retire with money on the beach at San Tropez
Secret: Hates pineapple on pizza
5. Character Name: Tub
Role: supports Antagonist, petty Criminal
Core Character Traits: hungry, happy go lucky, gullible, humorous, resourceful
Character Subtext Logline:
Flaw: Passive
Want: Doesn’t want much except a good meal.
Secret: Wine connoisseur
What makes the character Unique: He likes to wear a suit and a tie.
Character Begining, Middle, End
1. Connor overall story this episode:
Beginning: Finds Egyptian box
Middle: Lies to his friends about putting the box back
End: In trying to get the box back he falls unconscious in the cellar
2. Gazza overall story this episode:
Beginning: He finds out about the possible value of the box
Middle: He steals the box
End: He has the box
3. Danny overall story this episode:
Beginning: Danny is trying to learn scripture
Middle: He tells his friends about the plagues
End: Is worried about Connor not answering the phone.
4. Jak overall story this episode:
Beginning: Connor and Jak don’t get on.
Middle: She doesn’t get along with her father or friends.
End: She is accepted by Connor, Danny & Baxter.
5. Tub overall story this episode:
Beginning: He is led by Gaz and finds Connor with the box.
Middle: He is concerned about his safety.
End: He and Gaz have the box.
Character Story Beats
Connor Story Beats:
Act 1
1. Create’s havoc in class
2. Connor tells his little brother to go home alone.
3. Connor steals a present for his mom’s birthday.
4. At home Connor accidentally breaks his brother’s present for his mom. He doesn’t care.
5. Connor finds an Egyptian box in a mine shaft.
Act 2
1. Connor and his mom argue over chores not done.
2. Connor is warned by Baxter that the box has a warning. Hapi God of Nile is one of the figurines.
3. Connor wants to move to the city. Plague of blood.
4. Connor takes the box to Second Hand Dealer finds out it could be valuable. But needs all figurines.
5. He tries to find one of the missing figurines.
6. He has an altercation with burglars but thinks it’s a bad dream.
Act 3
1. Connor helps Baxter get rid of frogs in his bedroom.
2. He doesn’t believe in the possibility of the 10 plagues of Egypt. He wants Danny and Baxter’s statue. He gets Danny’s
3. Baxter’s dog runs off with the figurine. The frog plague continues. Jak blackmails Connor giving him the figurine in exchange for not being bullied.
4. Connor takes the figurines and box to the Antique Dealer. Where Gazza & Tub steal it.
Act 4
1. Connor gives chase and hides in Tub & Gazza’s van to get it back.
2. Connor walks in the house but has to run and falls down a trap door into the cellar unconscious.
Improvement In the scene where he steals the item for his mom. There needs to be more elaboration on why he is driven to leave the town Needs his dream of flying planes explained.
Danny Story Beats:
Act 1
1. Danny is concerned about Connor throwing the frog at the teacher.
2. Danny sees his pastor and asks him about struggling with learning scripture verses.
3. In the mine, he and Baxter get separated from Connor is worried they could be trapped in the rock slide.
4. Connor gives him one of the figurines from the box he found.
Act 3.
1. In Baxter’s house he helps get rid of the frogs but tells the boys that it’s the 10 plagues of Egypt and they need to put back the box.
2. In the park with the other boys he meets Jak and agrees not to bully her.
Act 4.
1. Danny calls Connor concerned for his safety.
Improvement Danny is not in Act 2 when the blood plague is happening. May need to include a text to Connor from Danny about the plague because he is the concerned one.
Jak Story beats:
Act 1
1. In the classroom Jak tries to thwart Connor’s disruptive class plan.
2. Gets heckled by Connor leaving school. Gives him a serve back.
Act 2
1. Jak gets home late her dad, Steve starts an argument about her dress sense.
Act 3
1. After having an argument on the phone with a so-called friend she acquires the figurine that the boys want and negotiates an exchange. She has pushed herself into the group.
Act 4
1. Is with the boys when they try to call Connor.
Gazza Story Beats:
Act 1
1. Gazza and Tub enter the town of Creede, the car breaks down. He’s infuriated.
2. They steal from people on the sidewalk. We find out Gazza carries a knife.
Act 2
1. While selling stolen goods they overhear Connor trying to get an evaluation on the box.
2. Gazza & Tub try to break into Connor’s house to steal the box but fail.
Act 3
1. Gazza & Tub follow Connor through the frog plague waiting for the right moment to pounce.
2. Gazza poses as an antique dealer and gets the box from Connor.
Act 4
1. Connor gives chase and Gazza & Tub get in the van and drive off dodging frogs but traffic is jammed. Gazza thinks this is what he’s waiting for the big heist. The heist that will get him away from the big boss and retirement.
2. At their hideout, Gazza makes calls to find out the box’s value. Plays nasty trick on Tub showing his mean side.
3. A ringtone alerts Gazza and he and Tub search the house. Can’t find anything.
Improvement Can’t think of anything at this stage as this is episode 1. I would like to show why Gazza is with Tub (Gazza took care of Tub in the orphanage or Tub has special skills that Gazza needs) it will be known in later episodes.
Tub Story Beats:
Act 1
1. Gazza and Tub enter the town of Creede, the car breaks down. He’s nonplussed.
2. They steal from people on the sidewalk. Tub steals edible items.
Act 2
1. While selling stolen goods they overhear Connor trying to get an evaluation on the box.
2. Gazza & Tub try to break into Connor’s house to steal the box but fail.
Act 3
1. Gazza & Tub follow Connor through the frog plague waiting for the right moment to pounce.
2. Tub ties up the antique dealer while Gazza gets the box from Connor.
Act 4
1. Connor gives chase and Gazza & Tub get in the van and drive off dodging frogs but traffic is jammed. Tub gets out directs traffic. Tub is worried that Gazza is going to get them in trouble with the big boss. He doesn’t want to get killed.
2. At their hideout, Tub is hungry and eats Gazza plays a nasty trick on him but he is not vengeful or upset.
3. A ringtone alerts Gazza and he and Tub search the house. Can’t find anything.
Improvement As with Gazza I don’t see the need for changes. These guys are a team but with different motivations for the same actions.
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Christina Parker Character Profiles
What I learned from this lesson, was one of my lead characters had a great backstory but no core character traits. After a brainstorming session, I came up with lots and got a better idea about the character. Also, their wants and needs can and usually are different.
Logline:
When 14yro Connor finds a mysterious Egyptian box he unknowingly unleashes the Biblical ten plagues of Egypt on the town. Now Connor and his friends have to come against two bumbling criminals and their evil boss to stop the plagues before the last plague, “death of the first-born.”
(All improvements are bold)
1. Character Name: Connor Peters
Role: 14yro protagonist, friend, brother, son
Core Character Traits: Natural-leader, visionary, smart
Character Subtext Logline: Connor 14, is a future pilot and born leader confined by poverty, a small town and a father’s love.
Flaw: Selfish
Want: He wants to leave Creede so he can one day learn to fly planes.
Needs: a father’s love
Secret: He lies to his friends
What makes this character unique: He is a cool kid who is the leader of a bunch of misfits.
Character Arc: Connor Peters is a teen who’s lack of a father figure has made him a leader who wants control at any cost until the plagues which causes him to trust others and be able to do what’s right instead of what he wants.
Improvement– We like Connor because he befriends kids who are different. The character arc was added and a character subtext. This will be an interesting change as a love interest for his mother in later episodes creates tension.
2. Character Name: Danny Souza
Role: 14, Connor’s best friend,
Core Character Traits: reliable, trustworthy, Christian, moral.
Character Subtext Logline:
Flaw: He is afraid of everything
Want: Wants to do the right thing.
Need: to find the courage to stand up.
Secret: He has trouble being heard at home.
What makes this character unique: He knows Connor’s flaws but likes him anyway.
Character Arc: Danny is a teen who wants to do the right thing but fear stops him. The plagues force him to face those fears.
Improvement – Character Arc, Unique. Secret will help him in facing his family it will help him to face the demons in later episodes.
3. Character Name: Baxter Firth the 3rd
Role: 15, friend
Core Character Traits: Intelligent insecure geek
Character Subtext Logline:
Flaw: Judgemental (Danny’s low status)
Want: one of his experiments/inventions to work
Needs: to forgive the bully in his life
Mission:
Secret: He is unsure of anything he can’t explain, scientifically.
What makes this character unique:
Character Arc:
Improvement – Needs, Secret it will complicate the process of forgiveness which will add drama.
4. Character Name: Jacinta Cresswell (Jak)
Role: 14, The pastor’s daughter and friend to boys
Core Character Traits: feisty, flamboyant, witty, brooding.
Character Subtext Logline:
Flaw: has a temper
Wants: Attention
Need: Her father’s love and understanding
Mission:
Secret:
What makes this character unique: her shock value.
Character Arc:
Improvement – Brooding, Wants, unique. Make her dialogue more shockable.
5. Character Name: Steve Cresswell
Role: Local pastor and father to Jak ex faith healer
Core Character Traits: Aloof, observant, charismatic, moody, melancholic, adventurous.
Character Subtext Logline: Steve is a local pastor who has lost his faith when his wife died.
Flaw: Drinks, is too entrenched in his own pain to see that Jak needs him to love her.
Wants: an easy life
Need: to find faith in God
Secret: He is hiding his pain with drink and apathy
What makes this character unique:
Character Arc:
Improvement – his wants, and I struggled to initially have core character traits, although he had a huge backstory we didn’t know him until I added these. I think this will add a new dimension to Steve and the story.
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Christina Parker
What I learned about this assignment was, when I used the beat sheet it really helped me to see the structural problems. Before doing this I had no idea what was wrong.
BEAT SHEET
ACT ONE
1. EXT. EGYPT 1893 – DUSK
An archaeologist and his servant find an ancient box. They are going to America to sell it for a great price. Good
2. EXT. TOWN STREET Present Day – DAY
Tub & Gazza are two bumbling but menacing criminals, new in the town of Creede. Good
3. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
We meet Connor, 14, his friend Danny. Connor is a rebel who doesn’t like Jak, the goth girl. I brainstormed other ideas but found this original idea was the best. Good
4. EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY
Connor has an 8yro brother Eli. Connor doesn’t want his brother hanging around him. Baxter, another of Connor’s friends is a smart nerd who gets bullied by Kade. Good
5. INT. GIFT SHOP – DAY
Connor steals an item for his mum’s birthday, he is seen by the local pastor and crop duster, Steve. Steve questions his own faith. Danny, Connor’s friend is a Christian. Good
6. INT. SHOP: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT – LATER…
A woman takes out the meager days takings from the till. Good
7. INT. PETERS HOUSE – CONT…
The woman is Elizabeth, Connor’s mum. She reprimands Connor for not bringing Eli home as he has asthma. Connor has an attitude when he sees Eli has made a potholder for his mum’s birthday. Connor accidentally drops it and it breaks. Eli is upset. Good
8. EXT. FOREST– CONT…
Connor races on his bike to meet his friends. This is part of the next scene. Good
9. EXT. and then INT. MINE – CONT…
Connor meets up with Baxter and Danny at the abandoned mine. They go inside while exploring a rock slide has Connor stumbling into a vertical shaft. He finds an ancient box buried down a tunnel and the boys make their way out. The box opens to reveal ten figurines. Connor gives one to each boy. Need to elevate to include a 1<sup>st</sup> Turning Point visual of impending plague.
ACT TWO
1. INT. TRAIN 1893 – DAY
The servant warns his master, the archaeologist, that the box will only bring death. The archaeologist rebukes him. Good
2. INT. STEVE’S LOUNGE Present – NIGHT
Steve watches TV & drinks alone. Jak walks in and they have an argument about her dress code. Good
3. INT. CONNORS ROOM – NIGHT
Planes adorn the room Eli plays with one of the figurines from the box while outside the room Connor and his mum argue about chores. Eli drops the figurine under Connor’s bed. Good
4. INT. BAXTERS ROOM – CONT…
Baxter calls Connor to tell him he has found information on the box. It represented the ten plagues of Egypt and there was a warning on the box. He relates that the Nile God was the god of water. Good
5. PETERS KITCHEN – CONT…
Elizabeth turns on the faucet blood fills the glass. Good
6. CONNORS BEDROOM – CONT…
Elizabeth interrupts Baxter to tell Connor not to drink the water. Connor wants to know if Elizabeth had a lot of money would she move to the city. Good
7. INT. 1893 BEDROOM CREEDE – DAY
The servant secretly takes the box from his master’s room and hides it. The archaeologist shoots his servant. Need to elevate.
8. INT. PETERS BATHROOM – CONT…
The shower pours blood. Elizabeth is shocked. Good
9. PETERS KITCHEN – LATER
Elizabeth on the phone: The water board finds that the contamination in the water is blood but hides it from the public. Good
10. PETERS LOUNGE – CONT…
Connor and Eli watch the TV report on the town trying to cope with the strange red water. Need to elevate
11. EXT. RIVER – LATER
Elizabeth takes the boys to the river Danny is staring at the red river. Tells Connor the water turned to blood in Egypt. Take out the scene.
12. INT. ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Tub & Gazza try to sell stolen goods. This scene is part of scene 14. Good
13. EXT. STREET – CONT…
A fire hydrant bursts gushing blood.
The water bottles distributed turn to blood. Dull elevate.
14. INT ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Connor finds out the box could be worth a fortune if he can get the other three figurines. Tub and Gazza overhear and want it. Good
15. INT CONNORS ROOM – LATER
Connor tries to find the missing figurine (that’s under the bed) Tub & Gazza plan to steal the box when they all go to bed. But they bungle the burglary and run away empty-handed. Good
16. INT. PETERS BATHROOM – MORNING
The water is clear again. Good
ACT THREE
1. INT. BAXTERS HOUSE – CONT…
The frog plague starts in Baxter’s room because he has the frog god figurine. The kid’s show initiative in getting rid of the frogs but they multiple outside Baxters house. Danny says it’s because opening the box has resulted in bringing back the ten plagues of Egypt. All Connor wants are the figurines. Danny gives him his but Baxter’s dog runs off with his. Make clearer why the frog plague started in Baxter’s Room. Make clearer Danny and ten plagues of Egypt.
2. EXT. PARK – CONT…
Jak has no friends, she manipulates herself into the boy’s group with the frog figurine and dog. Tub & Gazza are following. Everyone but Connor is convinced that putting the box back in the mine will stop the plagues. Connor lies to his friends about doing it. Instead, he is going to sell it. ?
3. INT. ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Gazza, posing as the dealer, tricks the box from Connor. Good
ACT FOUR
1. EXT. STREET – CONT…
Connor gives chase to get the box back. The frog plague in the town gets worse and traffic is backed up. Connor gets in the back of Tub & Gazza’s van without them noticing. Elevate
2. EXT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – LATER
Gazza makes calls to fence the box. Through the window, Connor sees that Gazza is the more sinister of the two criminals. Questions of Gazza’s intent of the box. Will he scam his boss?
3. INT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – CONT…
Connor goes inside but his phone rings, the ring tone alerts the crooks. Good
4. INT. BAXTERS HOUSE – CONT…
Baxter, Danny & Jak ring Connor. It rings out. Good
5. INT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – CONT…
Hiding from the crooks, Connor opens a trap door and falls into the cellar unconscious. Tub & Gazza don’t have a clue. Good
BEAT SHEET REVISED (highlighted are changes)
ACT ONE
1. EXT. EGYPT 1893 – DUSK
An archaeologist and his servant find an ancient box. They are going to America to sell it for a great price.
2. EXT. TOWN STREET Present Day – DAY
Tub & Gazza are two bumbling but menacing criminals, new in the town of Creede.
3. INT. CLASSROOM – DAY
We meet Connor, 14, his friend Danny. Connor is a rebel who doesn’t like Jak, the goth girl.
4. EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – DAY
Connor has an 8yro brother Eli. Connor doesn’t want his brother hanging around him. Baxter, another of Connor’s friends is a smart nerd who gets bullied by Kade.
5. INT. GIFT SHOP – DAY
Connor steals an item for his mum’s birthday, he is seen by the local pastor and crop duster, Steve. Steve questions his own faith. Danny, Connor’s friend is a Christian.
6. INT. SHOP: CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT – LATER…
A woman takes out the meager days takings from the till.
7. INT. PETERS HOUSE – CONT…
The woman is Elizabeth, Connor’s mum. She reprimands Connor for not bringing Eli home as he has asthma. Connor has an attitude when he sees Eli has made a potholder for his mum’s birthday. Connor accidentally drops it and it breaks. Eli is upset.
8. EXT. FOREST– CONT…
Connor races on his bike to meet his friends. This is part of the next scene.
9. EXT. and then INT. MINE – CONT…
Connor meets up with Baxter and Danny at the abandoned mine. They go inside while exploring a rock slide has Connor stumbling into a vertical shaft. He finds an ancient box buried down a tunnel and the boys make their way out. The box opens to reveal ten figurines. Connor gives a frog figurine to Baxter and the Nile god figurine to Danny. As they leave the water they spilled previously has turned to blood.
ACT TWO
1. INT. TRAIN 1893 – DAY
The servant warns his master, the archaeologist, that the box will only bring death. The archaeologist rebukes him.
2. INT. STEVE”S LOUNGE Present – NIGHT
Steve watches TV & drinks alone. Jak walks in and they have an argument about her dress code.
3. INT. CONNORS ROOM – NIGHT
Planes adorn the room Eli plays with one of the figurines from the box while outside the room Connor and his mum argue about chores. Eli drops the figurine under Connor’s bed.
4. INT. BAXTERS ROOM – CONT…
Baxter calls Connor to tell him he has found information on the box. It represented the ten plagues of Egypt and there was a warning on the box. He relates that the Nile God was the god of water.
5. PETERS KITCHEN – CONT…
Elizabeth turns on the faucet blood fills the glass.
6. CONNORS BEDROOM – CONT…
Elizabeth interrupts Baxter to tell Connor not to drink the water. Connor wants to know if Elizabeth had a lot of money would she move to the city.
7. INT. 1893 BEDROOM CREEDE – DAY
The servant secretly takes the box from his master’s room and hides it. The archaeologist shoots his servant. Need to make clear that the archaeologist will find the box without his help.
8. INT. PETERS BATHROOM – CONT…
The shower pours blood. Elizabeth is shocked.
9. PETERS KITCHEN – LATER
Elizabeth on the phone: The water board finds that the contamination in the water is blood but hides it from the public.
10. PETERS LOUNGE – CONT…
Connor and Eli watch the TV report on the town trying to cope with the strange red water. Show rivers of blood and the town trying to cope with the situation.
11. EXT. RIVER – LATER
Elizabeth takes the boys to get some bottled water from the town hall that has been shipped in but as they are handed out the water in the bottles turns red.
12. INT. ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Tub & Gazza try to sell stolen goods. This scene is part of scene 14.
13. EXT. STREET – CONT…
A fire hydrant bursts gushing blood. Lawns sprinklers spout red blood. Vending water machines are now red. No coffee signs due to bad water.
14. INT ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Connor finds out the box could be worth a fortune if he can get the other three figurines. Tub and Gazza overhear and want it.
15. INT CONNORS ROOM – LATER
Connor tries to find the missing figurine (that’s under the bed) Tub & Gazza plan to steal the box when they all go to bed. But they bungle the burglary and run away empty-handed.
16. INT. PETERS BATHROOM – MORNING
The water is clear again. Good
ACT THREE
1. INT. BAXTERS HOUSE – CONT…
The frog plague starts in Baxter’s room because he has the frog god figurine. The water turned to blood because of Danny’s figurine. The kid’s show initiative in getting rid of the frogs but they multiple outside Baxters house. Danny says it’s because opening the box has resulted in bringing back the ten plagues of Egypt. All Connor wants are the figurines. Danny gives him his but Baxter’s dog runs off with his.
2. EXT. PARK – CONT…
Jak has no friends, she manipulates herself into the boy’s group with the frog figurine and dog. Tub & Gazza are following. Everyone but Connor is convinced that putting the box back in the mine will stop the plagues. Connor lies to his friends about doing it. Instead, he is going to sell it.
3. INT. ANTIQUE DEALERS – LATER
Gazza, posing as the dealer, tricks the box from Connor.
ACT FOUR
1. EXT. STREET – CONT…
Connor gives chase to get the box back. The frog plague in the town gets worse and traffic is backed up. Connor gets in the back of Tub & Gazza’s van without them noticing. Cars are smashing.
2. EXT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – LATER
Gazza makes calls to fence the box. He wants to scam his boss. Through the window, Connor sees that Gazza is the sinister of the two criminals.
3. INT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – CONT…
Connor goes inside but his phone rings, the ring tone alerts the crooks.
4. INT. BAXTERS HOUSE – CONT…
Baxter, Danny & Jak ring Connor. It rings out.
5. INT. FREDRICKS HOUSE – CONT…
Hiding from the crooks, Connor opens a trap door and falls into the cellar unconscious. Tub & Gazza don’t have a clue.
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Christina Parker I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Christina Parker
Because my script is a TV series 1 of 8 episodes 55min each The structure will be different from a feature.
Logline: When 14yro Connor finds a mysterious Egyptian box he unknowingly unleashes the Biblical ten plagues of Egypt on the town. Now Connor and his friends have to come against two bumbling criminals and their evil boss to stop the plagues before the last plague, “death of the first-born.”
Structure:
Teaser Opening – page 1 In 1890 Egypt an archeologist finds an ancient box and is going to America to sell it.
Act 1 (Inciting Incident) – pge 2 – 15 Present Day Connor and his friends find the box in an abandoned mine shaft.
Act 2 – (Turning point 1) – pg 21 – Ist plague of blood
– (Midpoint) – pg 30 – Tub & Gazza criminals want the box for their evil boss.
Act 3 – pg 33 Frog plague
– (Turning point 2) pg 45 – Tub & Gazza steal the box from Connor
Act 4 – (Climax) pg 46-50 – Connor chases the Tub & Gazza through frog infested streets
– (Resolution) pg 51 – 55 – Connor stows away in their van and ends up in the house to try and get the box but falls through a cellar door unconscious
By page 10 you know the boys will find the box in the mine. I can’t think of how moving around these structural scenes will make it better. They flow very well. I would like some advice from someone, please. I know it’s very hard when you don’t have the script.
What I have learned about structure is you can change the scene to elevate it. but it needs to fit within the page structure of the story.
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I, Christina Parker, have realized I haven’t finished, I got stuck.
After brainstorming a little.
I have found my turning point would have more impact if I hinted at the oncoming plague of blood. So, on page 17 when the boys sit down to look at the box one of the group could spill some bottled water on the ground, they then open the box, take out some of the statues, close the box and start to walk away, the camera shows the spilled water has turned to blood.
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Hi There,
My name is Christina Parker. I’m from Australia.
I need a partner please.
Adventure/Family 8 episode TV Series
Logline: Connor, 14, finds a mysterious Egyptian box in an abandoned mineshaft. Opening it unleashes the ten plagues of Egypt on his town. Connor and his friends have to battle not only the plagues but two desperate criminals to stop the last plague, Death of the first-born.
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What I learned is that re-writing is what I’ve been doing but doing badly with no methodology.
Christina Parker – TV Series Pilot PLAGUED
LOGLINE: When 14yro Connor
finds a mysterious Egyptian box he unknowingly unleashes the Biblical ten
plagues of Egypt on the town. Now Connor and his friends have to come against
two bumbling criminals and their evil boss to stop the plagues before the last
plague, “death of the first-born.”SYNOPSIS: In 1890, while digging in Egypt an archaeologist finds a ceremonial box called a Naos that he knows will bring him a fortune in America. His Egyptian servant says is not so sure. Fast forward to present-day Creede Colorado where four teenagers begin summer vacation. Connor 14, and his friends Baxter, an insecure genius and Danny a Christian geek explore an old abandoned mine. Connor falls through a shaft and finds the Egyptian box that contains ten figurines representing each Biblical plague of Egypt.
Back in 1890, and the archaeologist and his servant arrive in Creede, Colorado with the box. The servant warns the archaeologist of the danger of the box but he dismisses it. He is about to meet a man who can make a deal for the box but before he does the servant takes the box and hides it and with this action, he loses his life as a result.
Opening the box has now set the curse in motion and the plagues are unleashed on the town. The town’s water supply turns to blood, the Creede river also turns to blood and the next day a plague of frogs takes over the streets. We are introduced to Jak, a goth girl who has daddy issues. Her father, Steve the local pastor has lost his faith when his wife died two years ago. Jak gets in with the boy’s group and they decide Connor should put the box and figurines back in the mine to stop the plagues. Connor lives with his mother who has a gem shop and brother Eli, 8. Connor doesn’t want to believe the freakish events have anything to do with the box. He wants to get enough money to leave Creede and one day fly airplanes. The box is his golden ticket so he lies to his friends about putting the box back in the mine and instead tries to sell it to an antique dealer.
Enter two hapless criminals new in town Tub and Gazza. They overhear how valuable the box is and plan to steal it for their boss, the odious Mr. Fabien. So, when Connor comes back to the antique dealers they change places with the dealer and scam the box out of Connor. Connor realizes he’s has been duped and runs after Tub and Gazza, dodging frogs along the way. Tub and Gazza get in their van creating a traffic jam with frogs jumping on windscreens and causing mayhem. This is where Connor seizes his chance and stows away in the van.
Tub and Gazza go to an abandoned house on the outskirts of town to make plans on what to do next. Gazza doesn’t want Mr. Fabien to have the box, he wants to retire and break free from Fabien’s evil grip, while Tub just doesn’t want to be killed. Connor sneaks into the house but his phone goes off, (His friends are trying to contact him) and the criminals are searching the house. Connor leaps down a trapdoor but hits his head leaving him unconscious.
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Hi Everyone,
My name is Christina I have written 4 feature scripts, 1 TV Series, written and produced many short films, 4 stageplays, and 2 novels. Some of my work has won festivals, so that’s encouraging. I also am a director and miss doing that. My TV series is with a producer at the moment, fingers crossed they want to do it.
I hope to get to another level in my writing as I’ve been semi-finalists, finalists and want to be better. A professional writer who has a manager.
I am a musician and was in professional rock bands.
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Hi Harvey,
I think you are replying to me, Christina. I hope so. I thought I was the only one in this course. I don’t know where we put our scripts but if you send me your email I’ll send you mine. and you can send me yours. Have you finished? My email is mizpahprod@bigpond.com
Thanks
Christina
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Hi Ychlindria,
This sounds very intriguing. I like it. Although, I didn’t get any of the comedy in the synopsis. I got the drama, it reminded me of August Osage County.
Blessings
Christina
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Hi Harvey,
I’m looking for feedback. Would you like feedback? It seems a lot of the people who said they were going to give feedback have a lot on their plate. So, I thought I would ask you.
Feedback is so important from each other in a course where there is none from the teacher.
Christina
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Hi Anna,
Did you get my review? If so, I hope it helped. I haven’t received yours yet. Is there problem?
Christina
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Hi Anna,
This exercise in beats is really hard but so beneficial. I am still trying to get my head around it.
I struggled with understanding what does your protagonist want other than another job?
The beats are about the core meaning behind what’s happening, but we need to know what’s happening. So, it’s very difficult. I didn’t get any of that. I was confused about why some of the scenes were there. We know our story in our heads and that is the problem. Why did Sarah want a job so far away? There seems to be a lot of scenes with friends discussing it. I feel you need to be more succinct in what is really happening in the scene to warrant it staying. If the scene doesn’t propel the story further then it should be cut. I am guilty of this too.
Also, show us where Act One Two and Three is that helps with major turning points.
I have had feedback from other people/comps that the structure of my script could improve and I could never work out the problems until doing this exercise so I know it’s a good one.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
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Thanks Anna, that would be great. I’ll do yours as well.
Christina
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Hi Ychlindria,
I was supposed to have a partner but they never got back to me. So yes it would be great to partner up.
I’m up to Day 4 in my homework, just about to upload it. I’m in Australia. Tell me something about yourself.
Blessings
C
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Hi Alfred,
I hope you don’t mind me giving you some feedback, but we all need some as we think we know our story very well.
I have a question about your 1st turning point. If we know that Bo is struggling with his memory how is Bo struggling to play the music compositions on the piano a major turning point? Remembering that a turning point is a major twist in the plot turning our hero around and going in another direction in Act 2. Just something to ponder.
The climax comes around the end of Act 2 generally. It takes our characters to the bottom of achieving their goal. It’s propelled by the turning point at the end of Act 2.
I hope that helps.
Christina
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Hi Elizabeth,
How are you going with your homework?
Anything I can help you with?
Blessings
Christina
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Hi Elizabeth,
I would love to partner with you. Your story is very interesting. I love murder mysteries, my first play was a murder mystery, and it a huge success.
Blessings
Christina