CJ Lyons
Forum Replies Created
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Lesson 1: Horror Conventions
What I learned from this assignment was the need to add the moral element—something to place all the blood and gore into context for the audience.
Watch the movie and as you do, note its conventions:
Title / Concept: DON’T BREATHE: A girl and her friends are desperate enough to escape their dismal homes that they decide to rob a blind man but are trapped inside his house as he hunts them down one by one.
Terrorize The Characters: total darkness, huge labyrinth of a house that they don’t know the layout of and that is filled with booby traps, crazed madman determined to kill them
Isolation: locked into house
Death: one by one killed and discover the man has killed before
Monster/Villain: blind man starts as “innocent victim” morphs into relentless killer
High Tension: in the total blackness the killer moves close to his victims and their only choice is to be silent including not breathing
Departure from Reality: grounded in reality except for the incredible lengths the killer goes to and his brutality—until you learn his real secret at the end
Moral Statement: some people’s lives are so bad they’d do anything to escape, even rob a blind man; but others will do anything, even kill, to protect their secrets
3. Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great horror film? The almost real-time pacing added to the intensity and unlike many horror films there were no real logic holes in the plot, making it feel more real.
4. With your concept, fill in each of these Conventions for your story.
Concept:
THE HOUSE KEEPER: a woman’s online date turns into a nightmare when she’s taken captive in her own home by thieves determined to steal everything, including emptying all her accounts when the banks open the next morning, then burn the house with her inside, forcing her to reveal her true self to the hapless men who have no idea who they’re really dealing with—a woman who killed for this house once already and who will do anything to keep it
Terrorize The Characters: mansion filled with secret passages, unseen hazards; lone woman set upon by several men knowing she only has hours to live; the men suddenly at her mercy as she takes them down using her house as a weapon
Isolation: trapped in remote mansion
Death: first the men torture and taunt her with her death; then she turns the tables and has no mercy as she hunts and kills them via various gruesome “homemade” methods
Monster/Villain: is it the home invaders or the woman? Two sides of same coin, only one wants to take and the other wants to protect/keep, but all are killers at heart
High Tension: the men have weapons, she must improvise; hide n seek scenes through house along with chase scenes—can she escape? Will she live? Will they?
Departure from Reality: woman capable of killing to get house she loves and then keep killing to keep it
Moral Statement: if we’re honest with ourselves, we all have something we’d kill for
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Hi! I’m CJ Lyons. Only a “training wheels” script completed, but I learned tons and am eager to expand my genre horizons. I’m a thriller writer and have been working with several producers to adapt my novels for film and TV, so want to learn more, more, more about screen writing!
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1. CJ Lyons
2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
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CJ’s wordsmithing
What I learned here was that my most difficult step is getting rid of distractions–even though I know the story so well, I still tend to keep getting involved in its “big” picture instead of focusing on the tiny details and each and every word choice.
Reading it backwards was the most helpful tool to solve this for me.
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CJ’s descriptions:
What I learned was that I tend to rely on actions/dialogue to build characters and narrative imagery (tone, word choice) to build a scene’s setting and atmosphere. I need to work on using both techniques, especially irony and setting up reveals–I think I will always be tweaking, practicing this with each draft!
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CJ’s Introductions:
I realized I had very little narrative descriptions of my main characters but mostly introduced them via their actions and other characters’ reactions to them, so I added more intrique, irony, and descriptions peppered throughout their first scenes.
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CJ’s improved descriptions:
Very little changes for tense, did delete a ton of passive/excess verbiage, leading to trimming two pages!
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One of the biggest things I learned was to make each character’s voice as unique as possible, varying with their background, emotional state, etc.
And one of the most difficult was doing this while also making sure the audience–who doesn’t share the character’s unique point of view, dialects, slang, etc–would still understand everything in the context of the scene.
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CJ’s Dialogue 7-8
I found I use a lot of dialogue as action and definitely to keep an eye that it’s not too on the nose. I also had a fair amount of subtext as cover-ups but no real subtext pointers, so will also focus on that with each draft.
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CJ’s Dialogue 3-5
I found I had a lot of setups/payoffs along with open loops, some irony but very little anticipatory dialogue (a lot of action, though) so I worked on those last two and will keep working on them.
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CJ’s Dialogue 1 and 2:
I was relieved to find that I already had most of this in my draft–but I need to keep working on banter, so hard to make it feel real and effortless!
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Okay, that went pretty good! I want to take another pass at the end for irony and subtext (my main weaknesses so far) but I’m pretty pleased so far!
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found so much to work with in this lesson–realized I need a subplot from the villains’ pov, so adding that and solving little glitches, polishing… going to take my time with this and the next lesson since this is a new way of writing for me and it’s my first ever script
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What I learned was that I maybe kept my outline too bare-bones, focusing on the main action and neglecting some transition scenes necessary to keep the audience clued in.
But during this speedy first draft I kept notes of ideas sparked, holes to fill, places where tension/pace lagged and am looking forward to dissecting everything with the problem solving draft!
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followed the outline but realized there are a few holes to be filled on later drafts and might need to re-order a scene or two to increase tension, but just plowing on knowing I have more drafts to play with things
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Teaser went well, shorter than I expected, but definitely thrilling and sets up the season-long mystery/loops.
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CJ’s Outline With Intrigue
What I learned from this assignment was a new technique to find the missing pieces of my big picture puzzle, drilling down each scene
I know there’s still a lot of work, some scenes need broken into two and/or rearranged to keep the pace/tension, others need the conflict amped, etc… but this has given me a great foundation to build on!
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CJ’s Scene Requirements
What I learned from this assignment was… the power of dissecting my general scene ideas to make sure each one serves multiple purposes and includes conflict.
This led me to re-arrange and expand several of the B story scenes, increasing their impact on the A story, and I fleshed out some “to be determined” scenes now that I understood the characters’ conflict/challenge better.
My outline is now five pages long with these “bare bone” descriptions.
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M3-Lesson 10 ASSIGNMENT
CJ’s Beat Sheet for PATIENT X:
What I learned doing this assignment was how to interweave the main storylines for greatest impact
1. Tell us your Show Concept and Inciting Incident.
CONCEPT: ER physician Dr. Angela Rossi suddenly develops psychic powers, thrusting her into the hunt for a global cabal of killers after she learns she’s Patient X in a plot to spread a fatal prion disease across humanity.
Inciting Incident of Season 1: Rossi must trust her diseased mind with its new psychic powers to save a girl and stop a killer—which also means admitting she’s ill and discovering what’s wrong with her
2. List your A, B, and C Stories.
A story = Rossi’s search for Cabal killers
B story = Rossi’s relationships: Ryder, Devon, Jacob, family
C story = Rossi dealing with symptoms/fatal disease
3. Present your current Beat Sheet with no dialogue.
TEASER:
EXT. Alley behind church, night:
A nun and young girl running away from a housing project, unknown forces following them, the nun tells the girl to run, save herself and shoos her down a stairway, then the nun runs the other way, rounds a corner and is shot in the chest
ACT ONE:
INT urban ER, Thanksgiving night
JACOB enters, bearing huge platter of food, which the staff applauds, one taking it from him, another leading him to a curtained room where ROSSI is treating a man with a scalp laceration, RYDER. As they banter, we learn Jacob is an assistant DA and Rossi’s ex-husband, Ryder is police detective; Jacob pulls Rossi aside, clearly still loves her and is worried about her, mentions a few of her symptoms, also closer to her family than she is
EXT Kingston Towers, night
DEVON arrives home after years of exile and first person he sees is the gangleader who wants him dead—and is blocking his way to get to Jess and Esme
—Need to showcase his intelligence, street smarts, desire for no violence, but willing to fight dirty if need be to protect those he loves
EXT ER night
Car races up, gunshot nun dumped outside ER doors
ACT TWO:
INT ER night
Staff rushes into action, including Rossi (with Ryder and Jacob trailing behind), Rossi commanding and passionate as fights for nun’s life despite fact that no vitals and trauma team not there, breaks protocol by cracking nun’s chest in desperate attempt to save her
INT Towers night
Devon races to Jess’s apartment, opens door to find her dead, obviously murdered, her seeing-eye dog whimpering beside her, he’s shocked, furious, heart-struck—all the big emotions churning, but pushed aside as he races through the apartment looking for Esme… who’s missing, now terrified, he races to door but stops, no idea where to go next…
INT ER, night
Rossi tries to save nun as Ryder watches, coordinates police response, suddenly time stops for Rossi as she holds the flatlined, “dead” nun’s heart in her hands, her vision filling with a looping moment of the nun being shot and falling, the nun’s voice commanding her to “Find the girl, save the girl.”
It feels like forever but she blinks back to reality and only a few seconds have passed, the only person who noticed her “brain-stutter” is Jacob. The trauma team arrives and declare the nun dead, berating Rossi for breaking the rules. Ryder leaves to go to the scene of the shooting—it’s a now a homicide, making it his case.
ACT THREE:
INT Towers, night
Devon bangs on Jess’s neighbors’ doors, searching for Esme, finally an elderly woman tells him she saw Sister Patrice take Esme away, a few minutes before she heard banging on Jess’s door
INT ER break room, night
Rossi’s shift over, she finally collapses, the nun’s memory and voice ricocheting through her mind—did her momentary lapse cause the nun’s death?—when Jacob enters and confronts her about what happened during the resuscitation, she’s overwhelmed and exhausted, denies everything but he’s obviously not buying it, wants her to come home with him and she gets angry and leaves
EXT alley behind church, night
Ryder marshals his team at the scene of the nun’s shooting, sends cops to canvass the Towers (on one side of the alley) while he talks with the priest—clear he knows the priest and attends the church—but learns nothing other than the victim is Sister Patrice
EXT alley behind church, night
Rossi arrives and tells Ryder the nun had a little girl with her and the girl’s missing, but can’t explain how she knows or who the girl is, but she does find the door the nun sent the girl to—it leads to Cold War emergency tunnels built under the city, closed off for decades
Devon’s arrives just as Ryder is sending Rossi away, somehow this ER doctor is also looking for Esme, no time for questions, he’ll take all the help he can get—and he knows another way into the tunnels, via the church
INT church basement
Rossi decides to trust Devon, allows him to lead her into tunnels
ACT FOUR:
EXT alley, night
Cops canvassing Towers call Ryder: second crime scene and murder victim
INT tunnels, night
Devon picks lock to tunnel entrance and he and Rossi descend into a nightmarish labyrinth of concrete and steel with doors that seal with valve-wheels like a submarine’s, Cold War radiation treatment stations, etc… and evidence of the new inhabitants: homeless camps, and booby-trapped hallways leading to drugdealer’s stashes
He and Rossi follow the dog’s lead, occasionally stopping to dismantle booby-traps when suddenly the dog stops and whines and he turns to see Rossi frozen, catatonic
INT Jess’s apartment, Towers night
Ryder at second murder scene, the priest accompanies him, insists on providing last rites as soon as ME will allow, confirms that Jess had a daughter, Esme, who’s missing—changing Ryder’s entire response as he curses himself for not listening to Rossi, but how the hell did Rossi know? Is she somehow involved in the murders? But she was in the ER, he saw how hard she worked to save nun—and he kinda likes her
INT tunnels, night
Rossi’s “vision”: gloved hands hustling Esme through dark tunnels, heading toward a red light at the far end
Devon confronts Rossi—what’s wrong with her? Seizures or something? How did she even know Esme was missing or where to go? Given all the lethal traps in the tunnels, she’s risking all their lives by not coming clean
Rossi must choose whether to share symptoms with Devon—if does means admitting she’s seriously ill, if not then might lead him into danger if she gets worse—but latest “spell” told her they’re going the wrong way, only way to convince Devon is to tell him the truth
ACT FIVE:
EXT alley above tunnel entrance, night
Ryder meets with fire chief, city engineer—no one has accurate map of tunnels, much of it is “no man’s land” controlled by Royale gang, drug dealers, etc, but Ryder has an ace up his sleeve—he has officer’s bring him a guy he once arrested who had lived in the tunnels and who provides him with a hand-drawn map. The fire crew cuts the steel door open, but Ryder can’t risk any of his team’s lives on the unknown dangers below, so musters his courage and climbs down
INT tunnels, night
With Esme’s life at stake can Devon trust Rossi and her “visions”? But what other choice does he have? He allows her to lead them in the other direction. They pass a burned out room and she stops, asks him what happened here—as if she somehow already knows part of the story—says he lost something here and he reluctantly tells her how Jess was blinded and he was exiled by the Royales.
She says she knows Esme is his daughter—she doesn’t need any crazy powers to figure that out, it’s obvious—but he explains he’s never met Esme, couldn’t return and endanger her and Jess, so he’s only seen pictures, Esme has no idea he’s her father, but with Jess gone, he’s all she has left, he can’t fail her like he failed Jess.
INT tunnels, night
Ryder fights PTSD flashbacks to the many holes/caves he led his men into in Afghanistan, but preserves, finding that one branch of the tunnel leads to the hospital’s basement down the hall from the medical waste incinerator and morgue; he goes back the other way, following his rough map, and traveling deeper into darkness until he sees a moving light far in the distance
INT tunnel “lab”, night
They arrive at a door that sets the dog off and makes Rossi shake. She opens it and takes a step inside as Devon restrains whining dog, the space is set up like an operating room—except for the thick restraints and blood covering the patient table.
There’s a door with a window, the latch is the same as restaurant refrigerators, she can’t help it, she’s drawn to the door as if compelled… Ryder arrives just as she opens it to see eleven women hanging from meathooks, their skulls opened, brains missing…
INT high-tech lab, unknown location/time:
Woman, only hands/back seen, gets a text: beta test subjects found, police have bodies
She replies: ignore, are alphas displaying symptoms?
Response: Patient X appears to be, will follow
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CJ’s Setting Up The Future
What I learned from this assignment is that even though I understand the implications of character actions as setups for future reveals I need to make sure the audience has a chance to see these actions in a memorable way (without showing my hand) so that they anticipate more intrigue to come.
New Setups added to PATIENT X Pilot:
*Rossi/Ryder’s romance
*Rossi’s symptoms
*The Cabal pulling the strings
*Other missing children
*Feud between Devon and Tower gang
*Kingston’s power over entire city
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CJ’s Empathy/Distress
What I learned from this assignment was that even though I had tons of distress baked into my idea, by increasing the empathy moments I was able to also amplify the distress—I did this by taking minor character from the main character’s past and adding him to the first act to add empathy, and then used the second part of the assignment to rev up both empathy and distress
1. Look through your outline and see if any of these as a bigger frame for your story, or if you already have it in the story, can you emphasize or expand it:
A. Crucible: Rossi facing terrible symptoms but suddenly a girl’s life in her hands
B. Betrayal: Rossi losing nun—could she have saved her if didn’t freeze? How can she face other patients if so? Betrayed herself at deepest level of identity: physician saving lives
C. Forced Decision: Rossi following “delusion”, trusting stranger with greatest secrets
D. Hurt those they love: Jacob’s seen her sympts, but she brushes him off
E. Emotional Dilemma: Rossi forced to either believe she’s delusional or that a dead nun actually spoke to her
F. Exposed: Rossi telling Devon truth, Ryder facing fears into tunnels
G. Must Make Decision with Future Consequences: Rossi trusting Devon (and vice-versa) going into tunnels
2. Looking at your scenes, are there places you can create situations to cause more Empathy/Distress?
Undeserved misfortune: nun killed, Rossi can’t save, Devon finds Jess’s body, Rossi’s sympts obviously terrify her
External character conflicts: Ryder/Devon, Rossi/Ryder, Rossi/Devon, Devon/Royales
Plot intruding on life: Rossi as Patient X, Devon losing Jess and Esme
Plans that failed: Rossi fails to save nun, Rossi and Devon fail to find Esme
Witnessing the pain of others: Jacob sees Rossi’s sympts, Ryder sees her pain at losing the nun, Rossi sees Devon’s pain over Jess and Esme
Extreme consequences: more than missing girl, now a serial killer
Major loss: Devon loses Jess and Esme
Brings their wound present: Jacob still loves Rossi but she can’t open up to him, he’s also closer to her family than she’s ever been; Devon gave up everything to protect Jess and Esme but it was useless and now he’s helpless; Rossi’s sympts beyond her control, but she’s powerless to do anything about them without admitting how sick she really is—which would mean giving up practicing medicine
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CJ’s Open Loops and Mysteries:
What I learned from this assignment is that while both can be used to deepen audience compulsion to keep watching, the open loops are more important as they impact the future possibilities for both plot and character (hopefully stimulating audience imagination and involvement) instead of satisfying the audience’s curiosity by answering questions about the past
For the pilot of PATIENT X:
I rearranged some reveals to add more open loops (I already had tons of mysteries) that build to the Big Open Loop for the season/series and also added depth to the main characters’ arcs, hopefully increasing audience intrigue
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CJ Stacks Intrigue:
What I learned from this assignment… the importance of planning hidden layers and intrigue before starting to write–something I’ve never tried before!
Patient X layers of intrigue:
ACT ONE:
Intriguing World: ER
Intrigue: Devon, why exiled
Mystery: who shot nun in Teaser, is girl safe?
Secret Identity: Ryder doesn’t tell her he’s cop right away
Wound: Jacob clearly still loves Rossi
Act 1 TP: Gunshot nun dumped at ER
ACT TWO:
Intriguing World: trauma resuscitation
Intrigue: will Rossi save nun
Mystery: who shot nun, is girl safe?
Mystery: who killed Jess and why?
Deception: Rossi hears nun’s voice, covers up shock
Secret Identity: Devon is Esme’s father
Wound: Rossi fails to save nun
Act 2 TP: Rossi hears nun tell her to find girl
ACT THREE:
Intriguing World: crime scene
Intrigue: who is Devon really?
Mystery: why kill nun and blind woman, why take Esme?
Secret: how Rossi knows
Secret Identity: Devon’s history with Royales
Strange Behavior: Rossi covering sympts
Act 3 TP: Devon meets Rossi at crime scene and convinces her to follow him into tunnels
ACT FOUR:
Intriguing World: tunnels
Intrigue: how does Rossi know where to go?
Mystery: where’s Esme?
Deception: hides symptoms
Conspiracy: drug dealer traps
Secret Identity: Devon is Esme’s dad
Strange Behavior: catatonic
Accusation: Devon accuses her of endangering them all if doesn’t tell truth
Act 4 TP: Rossi becomes catatonic, Devon forces her to tell him about symptoms
ACT FIVE:
Intriguing World: tunnels
Intrigue: how/why built, but this area never explored
Mystery: where’s Esme?
Secret: Devon’s past/Jess hurt here
Deception: Ryder pretends no big deal to go down
Wound: Devon/Jess; Ryder PTSD
Strange Behavior: Ryder panic attack
Act 5 TP: Rossi’s powers lead to serial killer’s lair
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CJ’s Layers and Reveals
What I learned from this assignment is that setting up “covers” early on can lead to multiple reveals of multiple layers
For the pilot there were only two plot reveals—each opening the big season/series questions that have several layers.
I did add several character “covers” that will lead to revealing various layers of who they really are compared to who they appear to be when first met as well as at least one layer reveal for each main character, each setting up new questions.
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PATIENT X PILOT FIRST DRAFT OUTLINE:
What I learned from this assignment: the importance of pacing as the various characters’ plots are being interwoven, it also helped me figure out the teaser
TEASER:
Essence: a nun and young girl running away from a housing project, the Tower, unknown forces following them as they finally reach the alley behind a church
Turning Point: the nun tells the girl to run, save herself and shoos her down a stairway, then the nun runs the other way, rounds a corner and is shot in the chest
ACT ONE:
Rossi Beginning: Crazy busy night in ER, treats Ryder, banters with ex-husband Jacob
Ryder Beginning: stupid kitchen accident leads him to ER where meets fiesty doctor, Rossi
Devon Beginning: after years of “exile” returns home to Tower after panicked call from love of his life, Jess
Act One/Rossi’s Turning Point: A shot nun dumped on ER’s steps
ACT TWO:
Devon’s Turning Point: finds Jess murdered and his daughter, Esme, missing
Rossi’s Midpoint: during resuscitation “dead” nun commands Rossi to “save girl”
Ryder’s Turning Point: Rossi tries and fails to save her, now his case
ACT THREE:
Ryder’s Midpoint: Rossi shows up at nun’s murder scene, insists nun told her a girl is missing
Devon’s Midpoint: search leads him to alley behind church now a crime scene where nun murdered, meets Rossi—somehow also looking for Esme, no time for questions, he’ll take all the help he can get
Rossi Turning Point 2: decides to trust Devon, allows him to lead her into tunnels
ACT FOUR:
Devon’s Turning Point 2: in tunnels, faced with lethal traps set by drug dealers, Rossi has some kind of fit—but also seems to know more than she should
Ryder’s Turning Point 2: priest confirms missing girl, also second murder victim in Tower is girl’s mother
Rossi’s Dilemma: must choose whether to share symptoms with Devon—if does means admitting she’s seriously ill, if not then might lead him into danger if she gets worse
Ryder’s Dilemma: How the hell did Rossi know? Is she somehow involved in the murders? But she was in the ER, he saw how hard she worked to save nun—and he kinda likes her
Devon’s Dilemma: With Esme’s life at stake can he trust Rossi and her “visions”? But what other choice does he have?
Ryder’s Major Conflict: can’t send men down into tunnels, so goes himself, almost killed by traps
ACT FIVE:
Rossi’s Major Conflict: new powers lead her to serial killer’s lair—but no Esme, is she too late?
Devon’s Major Conflict: Rossi doesn’t lead him to Esme but to a serial killer’s lair–does the killer have her? Is he too late?
Ryder’s Ending: somehow Rossi and girl’s father find a serial killer’s lair—are they involved? Can he trust them? What about the missing girl?
Devon’s Ending: will do anything to find Esme even if means taking on a serial killer
Rossi’s Ending: whatever’s wrong with her it’s bad—and somehow maybe “good” because led her to killer’s victims
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CJ’s Pilot Structure
What I learned from this assignment was how to find the dramatic essence of each act, willowing out the various subplots/threads
1. Present the first draft of your pilot Acts.
Teaser:
Essence: a nun and young girl running away from a housing project, the Tower, unknown forces following them as they finally reach the alley behind a church
Turning Point: the nun tells the girl to run, save herself and shoos her down a stairway, then the nun runs the other way, rounds a corner and is shot in the chest
Act 1:
Essence: Rossi in ER, treats Ryder for a scalp laceration, banters with ex-husband Jacob
Turning Point: gunshot nun dumped at ER without warning
Act 2:
Essence: Rossi tries to save nun, breaking protocol by cracking her chest as Ryder watches, coordinates police response
Turning Point/Midpoint: as Rossi holds the nun’s heart in her hand she “hears” the flat-lined nun commanding her to “find the girl, save the girl”
Act 3:
Essence: Devon returns to Towers, finds love of his life murdered and daughter, Esme, missing
Turning Point: takes Esme’s dog and tracks Esme to nun’s murder scene at church
Act 4:
Essence: Rossi, haunted by nun’s last memories, follows them to her murder scene where Ryder kicks her out, meets Devon, learns Esme is real and her mother murdered
Turning Point: Devon and Rossi search tunnels, dodging drug dealer traps, when Rossi becomes catatonic, a vision showing her so much more than her normal senses can
Act 5:
Essence: Devon forces Rossi to admit her visions, but he decides to trust them (even though she doesn’t)
Lock In: Rossi’s vision leads them to a serial killer’s lair where bodies of tortured women are frozen, hung on meathooks—are they too late? does the killer have Esme?
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CJ’s Amazing Inciting Incident
What I learned from this assignment is… how to decide where to put the building blocks of the pilot (although I’m still not sure about what to use for the teaser!)
1. What is the “Inciting Incident” of your series that this pilot needs to deliver powerfully?
Rossi/Patient X must trust her diseased mind and her new psychic powers to save the girl and find the killer—which also means admitting she’s ill and discovering what’s wrong with her
2. Give us the main beats of that Inciting Incident:
Intriguing Concept: Patient X, the first infected with a man-made plague that could end humanity
Act 1: Rossi in ER, treats Ryder for a scalp laceration, banters with ex-husband
Midpoint: Rossi cracks chest of gunshot nun, holds her heart in her hand and hears the flat-lined nun commanding her to “find the girl, save the girl”
Lock In: Rossi and Devon search tunnels for Esme and he sees Rossi in a catatonic state, forcing her to admit there’s something seriously wrong with her, and then they stumble upon a serial killer’s lair
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M3-Lesson 1 ASSIGNMENT
CJ’s Big Picture Components
What I learned doing this assignment is how to distill and focus my big-picture ideas into easily digested and hopefully intriguing bullet points
SERIES INFO:
World: the PRE-apocolyptic world of the first person infected with a man-made version of Fatal Insomnia, Patient X aka Dr. Angela Rossi
Main mystery: who created the disease and how to stop it
Impossible Goal: find a way to stop the destruction of mankind BEFORE it begins
Main Conflict: Patient X vs. The Cabal led by her own mother
Second Mystery: will Rossi/Patient X survive and fall in love with Ryder?
Season 1 Arc: Rossi’s mysterious symptoms begin, leading her to hunt for a serial killer; ends with her diagnosis, the killer killed and reveal that the man-made Fatal Insomnia was unleashed by Rossi’s own mother
Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: refusal to admit she’s ill/stubbornly maintaining her independence to asking for help/falling in love/breaking every rule she ever set for herself including killing
PILOT INFO:
Pilot Conflict: a dead nun tells Rossi to “save the girl” sending Rossi to search in the Cold War tunnels beneath the city where she finds a serial killer’s lair
Characters Introduced: Dr. Angela Rossi/Patient X, her ex-husband Jacob, Detective Ryder (love interest), Devon Price (sidekick), missing girl Esme
Inciting Incident of Season 1: Rossi must trust her diseased mind with its new psychic powers to save the girl and find the killer—which also means admitting she’s ill and discovering what’s wrong with her
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CJ’s Presents Non-Stop Intrigue
What I learned doing this assignment is the need to re-envision a project from the audience’s point of view, constantly asking: how can I entertain, delight, excite, and intrigue them?
I used these techniques on my concept and characters to great effect! Eager to apply them to the episodes and season descriptions next.
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CJ’s Episode titles
What I learned from this assignment was the importance of titles–which I had never considered from a marketing aspect. And it was great fun coming up with them! Maybe too much fun–I’ll definitely be open to revising them and will take another look (or two or three) before I’m done.
PATIENT X, Season One:
Episode 1: DEAD NUN TALKING
Episode 2: THE LIVING BEFORE THE DEAD
Episode 3: TOWER OF THE DEAD
Episode 4: NOT DEAD YET
Episode 5: BETTER OFF DEAD
Episode 6: DEJA DEAD
Episode 7: DYING TO BE DEAD
Episode 8: DEAD MOTHER WALKING
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CJ’s Intrigue Patterns
What I learned from this assignment was that I tend to lean on the same patterns to build intrigue: A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean and F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences
So I broke that pattern by finding one sentence and turning it into a question, another turned into a suggestion of more below the surface, a third became a strong statement of the mystery.
Not only was I able to trim my concept doing this, but it reads so much better now!
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CJ’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation
What I learned from this assignment is the value of taking nothing at face value!
I began with my character descriptions, questioning and exploring and digging deeper and wow! found so much more intriguing tidbits that turned rough descriptions into characters that came alive.
Next up, I’m going to take the steps and focus on my page 1 material then the rest of the bible. Time-consuming as I don’t want to “close down” any avenues, but tons of fun and very worth it.
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CJ’s show summary:
What I learned from this assignment… that details are less important than evoking emotion in the reader.
PATIENT X:
When a nun who’s been shot is rushed to her ER, Dr. Angela Rossi breaks all the rules, cracking the nun’s chest before the surgeons arrive. As she holds the flatlined nun’s heart in her hand, Rossi suddenly freezes, time slowing to a stop as the dead nun commands her to “Find the girl, save the girl.”
Time resumes with no one noticing Rossi’s momentary insanity, and she can’t revive the nun whose memories now haunt her. Driven to find the truth, she follows the nun’s memories into the labyrinth of Cold War era tunnels beneath the city where she stumbles across a serial killer’s lair. Did the killer take the girl?
Rossi’s been suffering strange symptoms for awhile but this event has terrified her—something is very, very wrong not just with her body, but clearly also her mind. She finally seeks help and is given the worst diagnosis possible: Fatal Insomnia, a rare inherited prion disease that causes catatonia and dementia before death. Rossi’s one love, medicine, is now forbidden to her.
Rossi vows to at least save one more life before it’s too late: the girl.
Driven to find the killer, she partners with the girl’s former gangleader father, Devon, clashing with the detective investigating the nun’s murder, Ryder. Together they brave the dangers of the tunnels but fail to find the girl, instead Rossi’s new powers lead her to a group of children locked away in the tunnels—all suffering from Fatal Insomnia.
Which is impossible—the prion disease is inherited and even though Rossi is adopted and didn’t know her parents, none of the children’s families have the gene and they aren’t related to Rossi—and some of the children have strange new psychic powers similar to Rossi’s.
Someone has created an artificial form of Fatal Insomnia and is spreading it among children. Is it the killer? Why? Where’s the girl? Is there a cure?
Rossi may be dying, but if she’s Patient X in a man-made epidemic targeting innocent children, she won’t stop at anything until she has the answers—even if it means breaking every oath she took as a physician, every law, even, in the end, using violence.
The one thing she never expected: to fall in love with Ryder. It’s a bittersweet irony that can only end in tragedy. But when she confronts the murderer and strips his memories before killing him, she learns something even more horrifying: the person who has been infecting children with Fatal Insomnia, who has engineered this outbreak and used Rossi as Patient X to create the prions, is Rossi’s own biological mother.
Making Rossi the one person who might be able to stop a man-made apocalypse before it’s too late for the rest of the human race.
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CJ’s Episode Descriptions:
What I learned doing this assignment: these were much easier for me than the bulletpoints–I think next time I tackle this I might start with this method (particularly the starting with each episodes’ cliffhanger and working backwards) as it seems more intuitive to me, then I can use the bulletpoints to logic-check for plotholes and also add a few B/C story ideas.
EPISODE 1:
When she cracks the chest of a lifeless nun with a gunshot wound, hands holding the nun’s heart, ER doctor Angela Rossi suddenly hears the dead nun ordering her to “save the girl.”
Is she going insane or is this real? Doesn’t matter—Rossi can’t walk away if a child is in danger. She follows her instincts, angering the homicide detective, Ryder, investigating the nun’s murder when she trespasses on his crime scene.
The missing girl’s father, Devon, shows her a secret way into the tunnels below the city where the girl fled to. But, instead of finding the girl, Rossi discovers a serial killer’s lair.
EPISODE 2:
As Rossi and Devon leave the tunnels while Ryder investigates the crime scene, Rossi goes catatonic and is forced to tell Devon about her symptoms. Devon realizes Rossi’s powers don’t include only talking to almost-dead nuns, but also an ability to sense things beyond normal human perception. He encourages her to use her powers to find Esme and the other missing children.
Meanwhile, Ryder discovers killer’s victims all missing their brains and their bodies show evidence of torture.
After several close calls with drug-dealer traps, Rossi’s powers lead her and Devon to the missing kids, they’re safe but there’s no sign of Esme. Does the killer have her?
EPISODE 3:
Rossi tends to the kids while Devon goes to get help and she realizes they’re suffering from the same symptoms she has only more severe: tremors, seizures, catatonia. Do any of them also have her strange psychic powers? None of them seem to, but Rossi also had no idea she had them until she held the dying nun’s heart in her hand.
Ryder joins Rossi to interview the kids and their families, who all come from the Kingston Tower. They learn the nun hid the children from strangers who came to the Tower wanting to take them—did the strangers have anything to do with the children’s symptoms?
Rossi tries to explore nun’s memories, searching for clues, but is overwhelmed when realizes she has them ALL, not just the memories around the nun’s murder, and she collapses.
Meanwhile, Ryder discovers all the killer’s victims also lived in Kingston Tower where another woman was just abducted, same MO as the killer!
EPISODE 4:
After her collapse, Rossi is forced to tell Louise about her symptoms, including her new psychic powers. Louise admits her for a full evaluation.
Devon and Ryder clash as they both investigate the Tower.
As Rossi waits for answers, she hears the nun’s voice again, and retraces her final day, convincing Ryder to return with her to the tunnels. Together they follow clues gleaned from Rossi’s new powers, entering a part of the tunnel not on any maps, where Rossi leads him to the abducted woman, unconscious but alive.
EPISODE 5: Rossi learns her fate
Ryder insists on answers: how did Rossi know where the woman was? Rossi’s tired of hiding and she’s not sure she can face the truth alone, so she brings Ryder with her to Louise to learn her diagnosis: Fatal Insomnia, an inherited disease that destroys both the body and mind.
Devon’s certain Esme’s mother’s killer was involved with the Kingston Tower gang, confronts their leader, barely escapes alive. He goes to Rossi in the hospital and asks for her help, using her powers.
Rossi has a vision of Esme… does that mean Esme’s dying?
EPISODE 6:
Rossi and Devon follow clues from her vision of Esme and the trail leads not to the Tower but to the Kingston mansion. Devon confesses that old man Kingston is his father, he’d come to the Tower and rape women there, leading Devon’s mother to kill herself after Devon was born—but she left a paternity test proving that he’s an heir to the Kingston fortune if he ever wants to claim his parentage. Meanwhile, Ryder discovers who killed Esme’s mom and the nun and Louise figures out how the children were infected: a new flu vaccine provided by Kingston pharmaceuticals.
Devon and Rossi break into the Kingston mansion only to find the old man bedridden with cancer—he can’t be the killer—but where’s Esme?
EPISODE 7:
When Rossi realizes that she can access memories of patients in a certain type of coma, she decides to try to communicate with the killer’s surviving victim. But she’s unprepared for the trauma of reliving the woman’s brutal attack and torture—or the moral repercussions of forcing the victim to go through that again!
Rossi’s horrified at what she’s done, it goes against everything she stands for, every vow she’s taken as a physician. But as she sorts through the memories, digging past the pain and terror, she discovers that Kingston’s son is the killer!
EPISODE 8:
Realizing the cops are on to him, Kingston holds Esme hostage, demands Rossi’s surrender—she’s the key to his escape plan. Although Rossi doesn’t understand why he needs her, she’s not going to risk Esme. Devon insists on going with her and they meet Kingston on the roof of the Tower.
Kingston hasn’t just infected the children with Fatal Insomnia, he’s also been experimenting on the women he kidnapped, developing a new mind control drug for a foreign Cabal that saved his father’s company from bankruptcy. The Cabal wants both Esme, one of the few children who developed psychic powers, and Rossi.
He turns his gun on Devon but Ryder, who followed Rossi, tackles Kingston and is shot. Devon escapes with Esme while Rossi tries to save Ryder. Kingston grabs her, aiming a kill shot at Ryder, but she stabs Kingston with Ryder’s knife.
As Kingston dies, she steals his memories, revealing that the woman behind the Cabal and the manmade Fatal Insomnia is Rossi’s own mother!
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CJ’s Episode List Rough Draft
What I learned from this assignment was how difficult it is to choose the highlights and distill them into bullet points! This was the most challenging assignment yet!
EPISODE 1: ER doctor Angela Rossi suddenly experiences bizarre symptoms that give her the ability to “talk” to dying patients.
* a dead nun orders Rossi to “save the girl”
*Devon finds the love of his life murdered and his daughter missing
*Ryder tries to stop her searching when he learns the girl witnessed the nun’s murder
* Devon shows her a secret way into tunnels…
…Where she discovers a serial killer’s lair.
EPISODE 2: “living before the dead” while Ryder hunts killer, Rossi and Devon searching for missing kids
*Rossi goes catatonic, forced to tell Devon about her symptoms
*Devon saves them from drug dealer traps in the tunnels
*Ryder discovers killer’s victims all missing their brains!
*Rossi’s powers lead them to missing kids, they’re safe but…
…no sign of Esme, does the killer have her?
EPISODE 3: Killer strikes again
*Kids all have similar symptoms as Rossi!
*Ryder learns nun hid the children but no idea why
*Devon recruits his old gang to search for Esme
*Rossi tries to explore nun’s memories, searching for clues, overwhelmed when realizes she has them ALL, not just the ones around her murder, and collapses
*Ryder discovers all the killer’s victims lived in Kingston Tower…
…where another woman was just abducted, same MO as the killer!
EPISODE 4:
*Rossi tells Louise about her symptoms, including her new psychic powers
*Devon and Ryder clash as they both investigate
*As Rossi waits for answers, she hears the nun’s voice again, and retraces her final day, convincing Ryder to return with her to the tunnels
*Together they follow clues gleaned from Rossi’s new powers, entering a part of the tunnel not on any maps…
…where Rossi leads him to the abducted woman, unconscious but alive!
EPISODE 5: Rossi learns her fate
*Ryder insists on answers: how did Rossi know where the woman was?
*Rossi’s tired of hiding and she’s not sure she can face the truth alone, so she brings Ryder with her to Louise to learn her diagnosis: Fatal Insomnia
*Devon’s certain Esme’s mother’s killer was involved with the Kingston Tower gang, confronts their leader, barely escapes alive
*Rossi has a vision of Esme… does that mean she’s dying?
EPISODE 6: Esme found and lost
*Rossi and Devon follow clues from her vision of Esme but they lead to the Kingston mansion!
*Devon confesses that old man Kingston is his father, he’d come to the Tower and rape women there
*Ryder discovers who killed Esme’s mom and the nun
*Louise figures out how the children were infected: a new flu vaccine provided by Kingston pharmaceuticals
*Devon and Rossi break into the Kingston mansion only to find the old man is bedridden with cancer—he can’t be the killer—but where’s Esme?
EPISODE 7: Rossi enters victim’s mind
*forces her to relive attack, Rossi experiencing it as well
*vows never to use her powers like that, like a weapon, again
*But pieces together clues and…
…Kingston’s son is the killer!
EPISODE 8: Rossi confronts Kingston and steals his memories
*Kingston holds Esme hostage, demands Rossi’s surrender
*Devon begs Rossi to save Esme, they go to Kingston
*Ryder follows, is shot!
*Rossi fights Kingston, Devon escapes with kids
*Rossi stabs Kingston, as he dies steals his memories…
… The woman behind all of this is her own mother!
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CJ’s Five Seasons
What I learned from this assignment… this was by far the most challenging assignment, trying to distill all my ideas into a few concise, compelling lines!
Season 1:
ER doctor Angela Rossi suddenly experiences bizarre symptoms that give her the ability to access memories of dying patients.
When a dead nun tells Rossi to “save the girl,” she’s guided by the nun’s memories to the labyrinth of tunnels below the city where she discovers a serial killer’s lair. As she joins the girl’s father, Devin, and the homicide detective, Ryder, on the killer’s trail, more symptoms emerge and she’s finally diagnosed with a rare prion disease, Fatal Insomnia, that will eventually destroy her body and mind.
Determined to save as many lives as possible before the end, Rossi uses her new gift to embark on a search as more children go missing, only to save them and discover they’re all also suffering from Fatal Insomnia. And some of the children have strange new psychic powers similar to Rossi’s.
Someone has created a new form of Fatal Insomnia and is spreading it. Is it the killer? Why? Is there a cure? Rossi may be dying, but if she’s Patient X in a man-made epidemic targeting innocent children, she won’t stop until she has answers—even if it means breaking every oath she took as a physician, every law, even, in the end, using violence.
The one thing she never expected: to fall in love. It’s a bittersweet irony that can only end in tragedy. But when she confronts the murderer and uses her power to strip his memories before killing him, she learns something even more horrifying: the person who has been infecting children with Fatal Insomnia, who has engineered this outbreak and used Rossi as Patient X, is Rossi’s own mother, who she thought was dead.
Season 2:
As Ryder recovers from his gunshot wound, Devin and Rossi hide the infected children and their families from Rossi’s mother’s Cabal. Rossi’s physical symptoms worsen but she has hope for her and the children after her friend, Louise, finds a prion specialist working on an experimental treatment.
Hope turns to despair when Rossi discovers the specialist is actually responsible for infecting the children. She tries to steal his research but he catches her and stabs a bystander to buy him time to escape.
Ryder and Rossi’s ex, Jacob, join forces to learn more about the Cabal, piecing together its murky history, and learning more about Rossi’s parents: her father kidnapped her from the Cabal, placing her with an adoptive family for her safety, then fled, only to be killed by Rossi’s mother.
Rossi and Devon find the scientist and his secret lab. They sneak inside, determined to grab the research that might save the children, only to be caught in a maelstrom when the Cabal sets off incendiary devices to cover their tracks. They barely escape, their last chance to save the children apparently destroyed… Worse, when they return to the tunnels where the kids are hidden, they learn the Cabal has found them and is sending an attack force to take the children.
Season 3:
Deep in the tunnels, Rossi and her allies use guerrilla tactics to slow the Cabal’s forces and get the children and their families to safety. Even Devon’s old gang joins the fight and the Cabal is defeated—for now.
The physical exertion takes a toll on Rossi and she collapses, near death, panicking Ryder and giving Devin an unwelcome glimpse of his own daughter’s future. Louise is able to revive Rossi, and Ryder insists on caring for her, their feelings for each other finally revealed.
Their respite is brief, though poignant. The Cabal take Jacob, Rossi’s ex, and torture him. They’ll kill him unless Rossi surrenders herself and the children. Wanting to protect Ryder, Rossi goes alone but refuses to give the Cabal the children, so they kill Jacob in front of her. Thankfully Devin has followed her to the meet and takes out the Cabal team of corrupt cops. But now they’re both on the run from the law, unable to return to the children or any of their allies for fear they’ll be targeted by the Cabal.
Season 4:
Desperate to avoid capture, Devon and Rossi take refuge in an abandoned coal mine, hidden in the mountain from Cabal searchers. Ryder and Louise return to work, not knowing who they can trust, certain Cabal eyes are on them constantly. It’s a time of desolation, lovers separated, families divided, suspicion guiding every move.
The only good news is that Rossi’s plan to evacuate the children has worked, they’re safe from the Cabal—but not from the devastating symptoms of Fatal Insomnia. Time’s running out and she needs to get the Cabal’s research if she has any hope of saving them. When Devon’s daughter falls into a coma, he risks everything to return to her.
The only person Rossi trusts other than Ryder and Devon is Louise, who has managed to re-create some of the Cabal’s research. Rossi offers herself as test subject and leaves her mountain hideout to meet Louise.
Meanwhile, Ryder’s new case has him partnering with a former Army buddy, a man Ryder trusted his life to more times than he can count. But his buddy leads him into a trap and Ryder barely escapes with his life.
He goes to warn Rossi, only to find she’s been kidnapped by the Cabal, a weeping Louise explaining that they threatened to kill her husband and infect her three-year-old with Fatal Insomnia if she didn’t help. Rossi surrendered herself to save their lives, but Louise has no idea where the Cabal has taken her.
Season 5:
After Rossi is kidnapped by the Cabal, Ryder and Devon begin a relentless search for her. Rossi is being held captive on an island near Venice where her mother’s cutting edge biolab is hidden in an ancient plague hospital.
Rossi uses her mother’s ego against her to learn the Cabal’s plan. The situation is worse than she’d feared: the Cabal’s plan isn’t only to harvest and use Powered children, but under her mother’s leadership they’ve become convinced that in order to save humanity from self-destruction, they need to “cull the herd” via a new modern-day plague that will kill at least a quarter of the world’s population.
Nations, entire civilizations will fall as they did in the days of the Black Death when the Cabal was initially created. With the help of their financial resources and the immense power the infected children will wield under their control, the Cabal will rebuild the world in their image.
But her mother didn’t count on Rossi’s resourcefulness—or Ryder and Devon’s determination. As Ryder and Devon mount a rescue, Rossi creates a way to destroy the biolab—but it can only be done from the inside and she’ll be killed.
The Cabal’s forces are well-trained and after a fire-fight, all three are trapped in the lab. Devon sacrifices himself to destroy the lab while Ryder takes on the Cabal’s defenders to give Rossi a chance to escape with the treatment for the children. Rossi’s mother isn’t giving up so easily and tries to kill Rossi, ending in a life or death showdown with the fate of the world at stake.
Rossi survives and she and Ryder return with a treatment for the children, adopting Devon’s daughter as their own in a bittersweet tribute to his courage.
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CJ’s Character Descriptions
What I learned from this assignment was that while the details helped shape my understanding of the characters, to effectively pitch them I need to zoom out to more big picture overview of what makes them compelling and drives their part of the plot.
DR. ANGELA ROSSI, aka PATIENT X:
Gifted ER physician Angela Rossi discovers she’s dying from a rare disease, Fatal Insomnia, that will destroy her body and mind, but also has given her an unexpected benefit: the ability to experience the memories of the dying. Determined to save as many lives as possible before the end, she uses her new gift to embark on a search for missing children, only to cross paths with a serial killer.
When she saves the children she discovers they’re all also suffering from Fatal Insomnia. Which is impossible—the disease is inherited and, although Rossi is adopted she isn’t related to any of the children—and some of the children have strange new psychic powers similar to Rossi’s.
Someone has created a new form of Fatal Insomnia and is spreading it. Is it the killer? Why? Is there a cure? Rossi may be dying, but if she’s Patient X in a man-made epidemic targeting innocent children, she won’t stop at anything until she has the answers—even if it means breaking every oath she took as a physician, every law, even, in the end, using violence.
The one thing she never expected: to fall in love. It’s a bittersweet irony that can only end in tragedy. But when she confronts the murderer and uses her power to strip his memories before killing him, she learns something even more horrifying: the person who has been infecting children with Fatal Insomnia, who has engineered this outbreak and used Rossi as Patient X, is Rossi’s own biological mother.
DETECTIVE MATTHEW RYDER:
Returning to his rustbelt hometown after a decade serving in the Army, Ryder is finally able to live with the horrors of war by becoming a police officer. Now a homicide detective, he’s relentless in his pursuit of the truth and fight to protect victims. He never expected that his main obstacle in his hunt for a serial killer would be the ER doctor who patched him up—an ER doctor whose fierce passion for saving lives is irresistible. For the first time in his life Ryder finds himself torn between saving the woman he’s falling in love with and fulfilling his duty.
What will he sacrifice to protect Rossi, save the children, stop the killer? More than his honor, more than his heart, when he falls victim and is injured, he’ll be forced to watch helplessly as Rossi takes on the killer herself.
DEVON PRICE:
After being forced to leave the girl he loved, Devon never expected to return to his down and out hometown, much less to be called back urgently by the love of his life only to find her brutally murdered, their daughter missing. He’ll do anything to find his daughter, including partnering with an ER doctor who suffers from catatonia but who has strange psychic powers that might be his girl’s only hope. The detective on the case knows about Devon’s violent past and is determined to block Devon’s less-than-legal methods, but in the end they join forces to save both Rossi and the missing children.
When Devon learns he has hidden ties to the killer and that his daughter has been infected with the same terrible disease as Rossi, he’ll stop at nothing to find a cure and punish those responsible.
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CJ’s Intriguing Concept and World of Patient X:
What I learned from this assignment…to keep the focus narrow on the most exciting elements of this world, characters and their story.
1. Present your Concept.
A. Engaging and highly proactive hero… ER physician, Dr. Angela Rossi
B. …up against a major conflict… suddenly develops psychic powers
C. …goes on unique transformational journey… thrusting her into the hunt for a global cabal of killers
D. …Into an intriguing world… after she learns her powers come from a fatal prion disease and she’s Patient X in the plot to spread it across humanity.
=> ER physician Dr. Angela Rossi suddenly develops psychic powers thrusting her into the hunt for a global cabal of killers after she learns her powers come from a fatal prion disease and she’s Patient X in the plot to spread it across humanity.
2. Tell us the World of this show.
Unique Sub-World: The world of prions, a genetically engineered form of Fatal Insomnia that imbues its victims with special powers even as it threatens to kill them—and will kill the rest of humanity if it spreads.
Previously unexplored: We’ve seen plenty of post-apocalyptic plague worlds (Last of Us, Walking Dead, etc) showing us how humanity fights to survive AFTER most of their world is destroyed, but what of Patient X? What if she could find a way to stop the destruction of mankind before it begins? What would a person sacrifice to achieve that?
The unknown: what form the powers take
The unseen: the other devastating symptoms
Unheard of Dangers: killing vast numbers to find the few with powers
Reason to explore it: Rossi has to find out what’s causing her symptoms to save herself and then when she learns kids are being exposed, to save them and stop the spread.
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CJ has completed her BW Framework
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CJ’s Unique Action
What I learned doing this assignment is that even though I thought I’d done all my research/brainstorming there is always room to dig deeper and find the tiny but vibrant details unique to the setting or situation that twist the action into something unique and memorable.
Tell us about the improvements that you have made: I reached out to friends who live in my setting and asked them to give me stories of unusual Mardis Gras “private” traditions that tourists never get to see and I learned of one that totally transformed a scene from interesting to deeply personal (rising the stakes for the characters beyond the action) and something we haven’t seen before.
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CJ’s Creating Irony
What I learned from this assignment is the power of irony—compared to big plot twists, irony feels as if it will actually evoke more emotional connection from the reader, perhaps because it’s built over time and its impact isn’t felt until the audience “sees” what’s really going on beyond the surface action?
ASSIGNMENT 1:
Mr. Robot’s ironies:
Character: Elliot suffers mental illness and assumes everyone around him doesn’t, yet almost every other character also suffers from unacknowledged mental illnesses, a few more extreme than Elliot’s, such as Tyrell’s homicidal tendencies.
Situational: Everyone Elliot sees as an ally ultimately betrays him and almost all his “enemies” end up helping him in his mission (for their own reasons)
ASSIGNMENT 2:
CJ’s Patient X ironies:
Character:
*Doctor becomes patient
*Killer saves lives
*Dying woman falls in love
*Nuns breaking rules/law
*Doctor creating “miracle” drug is also serial killer, killing experimental subjects
*Mother willing to harm/kill her daughter to gain power
Situational:
*Doctor forced to kill
*Cop becomes a victim
*Kidnapper isn’t hurting kids but saving them
*Illegitimate son inherits everything
*Outcast returns to become leader who saves community
*Disease that kills creates powers used to save lives
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CJ’s Level 3 Action Emotions
What I learned from this assignment was… the power of relief in increasing the impact of the other emotions—talk about a rollercoaster ride!
1. Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use danger, excitement, and adrenaline: MIDPOINT scene
2. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions.
SETUP: After losing the Homeland agent to the Bratva when the Bratva threatens to kill the 911 operators they hold hostage, Lucy and her new New Orleans friend, Andre, face a gun battle that drives them into the 911 Center’s parking garage. Lucy drives as Andre shoots, running the gauntlet of Bratva shooters as they race up the corkscrew drive to the roof. DANGER
Lucy and Andre emerge unscathed but with no way out other than a leap across the alley that separates the garage roof from the 911 center. They push off the parapet and leap into the night… EXCITEMENT
… And land safely RELIEF
They enter the 911 building, climbing down the stairs, checking for traps. ADRENALINE
They leave the stairwell only to find the Bratva have gone. RELIEF
They approach the glass walled front of the 911 center, the trapped staff screaming for help, and the entrance blocked by two bombs, one each side of the door, each compromised of two cylinders with their own detonators and mercury switches. DANGER
The 911 administrator, White, emerges from his office beyond the 911 center, where he’s been hiding from the Bratva. ADRENALINE—FREEZE
Andre tells Lucy to take White and get out, leave the bombs to him, “This is what I do.” EXCITEMENT
Lucy knows he can’t do it in time—not with bombs rigged on both sides of the door so even if he defuses one, he still needs a way inside to work on other. DANGER
As Andre works on the bombs, Lucy grabs a fire axe, hauls herself up thru White’s office ceiling, crawls into ceiling over 911 center and ends up on other side of glass from Andre (can’t break glass b/c the vibrations could denotate bombs). ADRENALINE—FIGHT
White reluctantly follows her, no idea what he’s doing, but these are his people and he’s not leaving them. Andre now working furiously, cursing Lucy for being reckless, and realizes the two bombs are connected—if he defuses one, it will trigger the other… it’s hopeless, he pounds on the window and tells Lucy to run. ADRENALINE—FLIGHT
EXCITEMENT—Lucy finishes freeing 911 hostages from their zipties, there are several who’ve been killed, mainly sheriff deputies, along with a few wounded that White and the others help. She tells Andre to run but instead he follows her route inside, his weight crashing through the ceiling.
While Andre’s coming in, Lucy uses the axe to chop through the drywall at the rear of the call center into White’s office, far enough from the bombs so the vibrations (hopefully) won’t set them off, sending the hostages out that way. RELIEF
From the pile of dead bodies, a deputy tugs at Lucy’s ankle… EXCITEMENT The man is obviously close to death and Lucy tries to help, Andre argues he’s seen these injuries before, there’s no hope and no time, but Lucy doesn’t give up until the man gasps and dies.
The bombs begin to make a strange whirling noise—the two explosive chemicals blending together: they have seconds to escape! DANGER
ADRENALINE Lucy and Andre scramble down the fire steps, the rear exit in sight as the bombs blow…
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CJ’s Level 2 Action Emotions
What I learned from this assignment is that when writing the actual scene it’s good to keep weaving little pops of these three emotions throughout the scene so you have beats building on beats to build suspense, surprise and shock.
1. Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use surprise, shock, and suspense: Opening scene
2. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions.
Sleety, snowy, grim November night. Spooky abandoned Pittsburgh steel mill on the Allegheny River. A woman dressed in tactic gear climbs a ladder over a huge smelter. There’s a sniper rifle strapped to her back along with other tactical gear, she unslings a rifle and peers through its night-vision scope. SUSPENSE
Inside the FBI Command Center we now see that the woman is FBI Special Agent Lucy Guardino leading her team as they set up a perimeter, planning to take down a drug/weapons deal between the Bratva and a local gang. Lucy’s second is undercover, waiting for the Bratva to arrive.
The team is focused on the street entrance but through Lucy’s night-vision scope we see her targets: a group of men on the deck of an approaching tugboat. (Small SURPRISE) Lucy focuses on one of the “sailors,” her night vision scope making his Russian Mafia neck tattoo appear ghastly. She alerts her team and they reposition, has the tech controlling the drone do another sweep to make sure there are no more surprises and he gives them the all clear, the targets on the boat appear to be alone.
Lucy sights through her scope, focusing on the Bratva arriving at the pier. The Russians don’t seem wary, no one acts as if they’re anticipating any problems. Two men casually jump from the boat to the pier, looping a mooring rope over a cleat. No weapons in sight.
Sleet bounces from the metal surrounding Lucy and the night grows still. Lucy frowns, something’s off here. SUSPENSE
Her second, Walden squares his shoulders, leaning into his undercover role of pissed-off drug dealer angry at being kept waiting in the sleet and cold, approaches the boat. Lucy tells him to slow down, tells the tech to switch the drone to thermal—he argues he already did a scan but then on his screen we see cold, black “empty” cargo containers suddenly light up with reds and oranges as armed men emerge and attack. SURPRISE
Lucy gives the abort order as the night lights up with gunfire, aimed at her team. Lucy instantly provides cover fire to protect them. The emerging Bratva force launch flash-bangs, pinpointing her team on the ground. From her sniper perch Lucy calmly takes down bad guys, as her team regroups and returns fire.
She pivots to target the tugboat. The Bratva leaders are smiling at the chaos they’ve wrecked as the tugboat sails away. Lucy’s second has vanished—hopefully gone to cover as the firefight rages around him. Lucy’s team wins and everything goes quiet. She scrambles down the ladder, feet pounding as she races to the dock… only to find her second floating in the water, not shot, no, the Bratva took the time to leave their boat and slit Walden’s throat before escaping. SHOCK
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Assignment 2
CJ’s Plot and Character Layers for Patient X:
What I learned from this assignment is… by untangling threads of individual characters and how they’re connected to the plot it’s possible to weave a rich tapestry of intrigue that creates the show’s greater picture over time. The most difficult part for me was arranging them to decide the most effective time to reveal each hidden layer.
1. Brainstorm a list of possible PLOT layers.
PLOT LAYERS:
Major scheme revealed: children are being “infected” with Fatal Insomnia by unknown group
Mystery revealed: Rossi’s symptoms stem from Fatal Insomnia
Thought the story was one thing, but it is another: hunt for missing kids/mystery of Rossi’s illness turns into search for serial killer and then Cabal
Major shift in Meaning: Rossi’s search for cure isn’t about just saving her life but countless others
Hidden history: Rossi’s birth mother behind the Cabal and Fatal Insomnia
Hidden plan: What does the Cabal intend to do with powered children/Rossi?
Major betrayal: Rossi’s physician isn’t trying to cure her but instead control her for birth mother and Cabal
2. Brainstorm a list of possible CHARACTER layers.
CHARACTER LAYERS –
Secret identity: Rossi’s true parentage
Character intrigue: Rossi’s budding romance with Detective, why did Devon leave and what is he hiding
Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Devon’s connection to killer, Rossi’s mother running the Cabal
Hidden Character history: Devon’s history with killer, Rossi’s true family
3. Organize them each into a possible sequence of reveals.
Plot Surface:
Layer 1: Thought the story was one thing, but it is another: hunt for missing kids/turns into search for serial killer
Layer 2: Mystery revealed: Rossi’s symptoms stem from Fatal Insomnia
Layer 3: Major scheme revealed: children are being “infected” with Fatal Insomnia by unknown group
Layer 4: Major shift in Meaning: Rossi’s search for cure isn’t about just saving her life but countless others
Layer 5: Major betrayal: Rossi’s physician isn’t trying to cure her but instead control her for birth mother and Cabal
Layer 6: Hidden plan: What does the Cabal intend to do with powered children/Rossi?
Layer 7: Hidden history: Rossi’s birth mother behind the Cabal and Fatal Insomnia
Character Surface:
Layer 1: why did Devon leave and what is he hiding
Layer 2: Rossi’s budding romance with Detective
Layer 3: Devon’s connection to killer
Layer 4: Rossi’s true parentage
Layer 5: Rossi’s mother running the Cabal
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Assignment 1: Mr. Robot’s Plot and Character Layers
PLOT LAYERS:
Major scheme revealed: Elliot’s plan to destroy E-corp
Mystery revealed: who is Mr. Robot? Who is the Dark Army? Who is Whiterose?
Thought the story was one thing, but it is another: think it’s about Elliot’s plan BUT really about Whiterose’s much bigger plan
Major shift in Meaning: Mr. Robot IS Elliot and Elliot isn’t experiencing same reality as we do!
Hidden history: how/why Elliot hates Evil Corp, how/why Elliot created Mr. Robot
Hidden plan: Whiterose’s plan keeps getting bigger and bigger with each reveal
Major betrayal: Elliot’s love interest partners with Whiterose
CHARACTER LAYERS:
Secret identity: truth of who Mr. Robot and Whiterose are
Character Intrigue: Whiterose has layers and layers of motivation/plans/goals/schemes until finally revealed that she’s a mirror image of Elliot
Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Elliot and Mr. Robot, Elliot and his sister, Elliot and Angela, Angela and Whiterose, Elliot and Tyrell, Tyrell and Mr. Robot
Hidden Character history: real reason behind both Elliot and Whiterose stems from same root conflict/event
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CJ’s Level 1 Action Emotions
What I learned from this assignment… controlling the audience’s emotions is essential for pacing: rev ‘em up, let them breathe, then hit ‘em again for a true rollercoaster ride of thrills.
1. Look through your outline and choose a scene that could use anxiety, fear, and relief: end of Act 1 when Lucy’s trip to Mardi Gras turns deadly
2. Create an outline of the scene that includes each of the three emotions.
Lucy and her daughter stop at Mardi Gras parade with NOLA local Andre. Amazing music, costumes, spectacular floats combine to relax Lucy to the point where she’s dancing with her daughter and Andre. But then she notices in the distance the crowd parting, people out of sync with the atmosphere and becomes ANXIOUS—something’s wrong. A car plows through the crowd driven by a man in a mask and trailing plumes of colorful smoke—an attack or a Mardi Gras stunt?
The crowd seems to think it’s a stunt but Lucy moves her daughter to safety just in time as the convertible races out of control, now posing a real danger. AFRAID someone will be killed, she pulls civilians out its path, protecting them while Andre jumps in, subduing the driver and stopping the car before anyone can get hurt. After its momentary panic the parade resumes and the crowd returns to its partying as if nothing happened, RELIEVED that the danger has passed.
Lucy’s not convinced and insists they leave, ANXIOUS she’s brought her daughter into danger despite Andre and the cops’ insistence that it was just a stunt gone wrong. Then she spies a Bratva tattoo on the driver and realizes her FEARS are warranted: the Bratva is here in New Orleans!
3. Write the scene as a first draft, highlighting anxiety, fear, and relief: still working on this but the outline above has been very helpful!
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Assignment 2
CJ’s Big Picture Open Loops for Patient X:
What I learned from this assignment: I need to brainstorm more setups for smaller loops that lead to quicker payoffs/audience gratification in addition to the bigger season/series long loops I’ve been focused on.
1. Use this list to brainstorm big picture open loops for your first season that you will use to keep the audience captivated.
GOALS:
New goals? Where’s the girl? Who took the other kids and why? Can the serial killer be stopped?
Goals related to the big picture? What’s behind Rossi’s symptoms? Can it be cured?
Crushed goals? Learns she’s dying of Fatal Insomnia
Competition / conflict around goals? Detective doesn’t want her involved in case, girl’s father knows her secret, killer now focused on her
CONSEQUENCES:
Are they going to be caught? She and father of girl bypass police to search for themselves bending/breaking rules and laws and rousing ire of local gang
Problems created from past actions? Always distant from adopted family, now that dying tries to rebuild those relationships and find biological parents
Good plans gone wrong? Think she’s rescuing kids but accidentally put them in greater danger, tries to use new psychic powers on killer’s surviving victim but ends up causing her greater pain
SOLVING PROBLEMS:
What is the major problem for this character? Find out what’s causing her symptoms
What are they trying to solve? Save the kids/stop the killer
Major change imposed on character? Learns she’s dying so now it becomes all about the good she can do, how to use these new psychic powers, before she goes, so totally focused on saving the kids/stopping the killer
Previous solutions cause new problems? Sympts helped her early on but now out of control, placing her and people around her in danger
RELATIONSHIPS:
Relationships in peril? Adoptive family, friends at hospital that she hides her illness from
New relationships forming? Budding romance with Detective—how can she commit after learns she’s dying?
Conflict inside relationships? Family—adoptive and search for biological parents, Detective wants her off case and she refuses
Relationships changing? Bonds with girl’s father—starts to trust him since he knows her secret
DANGER / SURVIVAL / RISKS:
Can they survive X? Serial killer focused on her
Putting themselves in danger / making dangerous decisions? Refuses to stop search for killer
Who else is pulled into their danger? Kids, Detective, girl’s father
Internal dangers (drug addiction, need for medicine, inner demons)? Disease progression leaves her vulnerable—catatonic episodes, seizures, etc
2. Tell us your top 5-8 Big Picture Open Loops that could be in your pilot.
*Where did this new psychic power come from? Is it real?
*Will she save the girl (and other kids)?
*Who’s the serial killer? Can she stop him?
*What’s wrong with her? What’s causing these bizarre symptoms?
*Will the sexual tension between her and Detective lead to romance?
*Can she trust the girl’s father with her secrets?
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Assignment 1: Mr. Robot’s open loops:
1. Think about your Example Show. Make a list of the Big Picture open loops that were established early in the season.
Can Elliot actually take down Evil Corp?
Will he destroy himself and/or Angela (his childhood friend/love) in the process?
Who is Mr. Robot?
Is any of this even happening or is it all—as Elliot himself fears—just a delusion?
Who is Whiterose and what does she want?
2. Watch the next episode and see how those open loops are being used to create the need to see future episodes.
With every step forward it seems like there’s two steps back or another “interruption” in Elliot’s plan—some inconvenient but introducing new “small” loops of curiosity, others big, life-changing (or even life-threatening!) conflicts that raise bigger questions that will take several episodes to play out.
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CJ’s Favorite Twists:
What I learned from this assignment is to be aware of repetitive twists and brainstorm alternatives that will keep the audience guessing and surprised.
My favorites I added to my Climactic Sequence: my hero is unarmed, surrounded by the enemy including a missile aimed at the heart of the city and yet she emerges victorious via a series of twists:
Lucy appears to be TRAPPED but it’s a TRICK to allow her daughter ESCAPE
LOST RESOURCES (unarmed, alone) => NEW RESOURCES (uses Bratva’s missile against them, also UNEXPECTED WEAPON/SURPRISING RESPONSE)
The Bratva appear to have won (REVERSAL) but Lucy uses their weapons against them and also outwits the leader, REVERSING THE REVERSAL
But THINGS GET WORSE as the barge is scuttled by Lucy’s actions and the Bratva leader escapes leaving Lucy to drown, until THINGS GET BETTER as Lucy is able to sink his escape vehicle, dooming him
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CJ’s Show’s Mysteries:
What I learned doing this assignment was the importance of understanding the villains’ goals and motivations so that any mystery made sense logically once revealed to the audience.
Also the importance of pacing the reveals and cliff hangers to keep the audience hooked.
1. Create your Shocking Event Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
A. Shocking Event: ER doctor resuscitating gunshot nun, holding the nun’s heart in her hands, “hears” the nun’s voice in her head commanding her to “find the girl, save the girl”
B. Secret: this is the second time the doctor has somehow communicated with patients close to death and it’s freaking her out—there’s something seriously wrong with her, but she has no idea what… then she learns the girl is real and is in danger
C. Investigation: the doctor partners with the girl’s father and a police detective to search the catacombs beneath the hospital but stumble instead onto a serial killer’s lair
WWWWW and How:
WHO: missing girl, Esme
WHEN: tonight
WHERE: church between the hospital and a housing project
HOW: she was taken by whoever shot the nun
Part Withheld: WHY was she taken, WHO took her, WHAT happened to her
2. Create the Over Time Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
A. Cover up: serial killer is pharm/doc paid by cabal to use adulterated flu shots to create new Fatal Insomnia powered kids AND he’s stolen the cabal’s formula to create new pain drug by experimenting on women he kidnaps, tortures (to test drug) and kills
B. Secret: cabal behind it all is run by doctor’s biological mother
C. Season One Reveals: killer’s victims being experimented on, missing kids tied to doctor’s own symptoms, Fatal Insomnia diagnosis, and finally that someone is behind killer and somehow related to doctor
WWWWW and How:
WHO: killer revealed
WHAT: experimenting
WHEN: recent
WHERE: catacombs below hospital
WHY: to create new billion dollar drug and save his company (also sadistic sociopath)
HOW: preying on housing project residents
Part Withheld (for future seasons): WHO is behind killer, WHO is behind kids’ and doctor’s Fatal Insomnia, WHAT do they want, HOW did they transmit the Fatal Insomnia, WHY did they do it, HOW will they react to killer being caught and potential exposure?
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CJ’s Likability/Empathy/Justification
What I learned doing this assignment is that although my initial idea was an ensemble team type action film with Lucy as the leader, I think focusing on her alone with minimal assistance (a “sidekick”) might be more engaging for the audience so they can focus their emotions on her.
Also, another possible point of empathy is the “stranger in a strange land” vibe of having her leave her home turf of Pittsburgh to travel to New Orleans during Mardi Gras.
LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY
A. Other people like or respect the character: opening scene Lucy shows strong leadership, devotion of her team, and competence
B. The character shows love for something: love of husband, daughter, team, job
C. They’re trying to do something good: FBI agent, serve and protect
D. Save the cat — rescue or do something good for someone else: rescues civilians from gas attack
E. Funny, humorous, witty: wry sense of humor
F. Kindness: saves civilians, interactions with daughter
G. Good moral decisions and actions. Being on the right side: defending civilians, serving justice, fighting bad guys
EMPATHY / DISTRESS
A. Undeserved misfortune: Bratva kill her husband to send her a warning
B. External Character conflicts: daughter’s angry, blames her for dad’s death; spars with local she ends up partnering with
C. Plot intruding on life: husband’s murder
D. Moral dilemmas: revenge v. Justice, can’t drop pursuit of Bratva even though off the case
E. Forced decisions they’d never make: to save the one man who might help her v. building full of civilians; to use violence/kill when might be another way; to choose between her daughter’s life and entire city
F. Wound attacked: her passion for her job led to her husband’s murder—now it’s (accidentally) placed her daughter in danger as well
JUSTIFICATION
A. The character or their family abused: husband killed
B. Threatened by others: daughter threatened
C. The Hero is the victim of attacks: Bratva targets her because got too close
D. They’ve suffered major losses: husband killed
E. The Villain or their representatives have trespassed: husband killed, daughter threatened, thousands of innocents targeted
2. Organize them into a sequence that happens in the first Act of your script and tell us the story in a concise form (like I did for John Wick and Salt above).
Pittsburgh FBI Special Agent Lucy Guardino leads her team as they set up an arrest during a drug deal involving the Morozov Bratva and a local gang. Lucy has placed her team strategically around the abandoned steel mill on the river, including her second in command who is undercover as a gang member. But the Bratva somehow knew Lucy was onto them and it’s a trap. Lucy sees something’s wrong and is able to warn her team and save them all—except her second who the Bratva took the time to slit his throat before escaping.
With one of her own dead, Lucy fights with her bosses to keep pursuing the Bratva, but they transfer the case away from her to Homeland Security. She returns home, exhausted, defeated, only to find the Bratva has murdered her husband to warn her off the case.
Now a single mother of an angry twelve-year-old daughter who blames her for her dad’s murder (but no less than Lucy blames herself), Lucy is placed on desk duty. BUT she can’t stop pursuing the Bratva, despite the fact that she’s breaking all the rules and could get fired. She’s figured out part of their plan but needs intel from Homeland to pinpoint where they’ll strike next.
An old friend trying to help invites Lucy and her daughter to visit her in NOLA for Mardi Gras, promising them a chance to heal and have a good time, while also giving Lucy the Homeland access she needs via a NOLA analyst, so Lucy accepts.
When they arrive, the friend’s cousin Andre is there to meet them, he drives them past a parade and Lucy’s daughter begs to stop and watch. Lucy gives in and for a short while they’re dancing and actually having a good time. BUT then a car races out of control through the crowd spewing colorful gas. Lucy protects her daughter and saves the civilians while Andre stops the driver before anyone is seriously injured.
Lucy demands that they leave immediately despite the fact that the parade continues and everyone is treating the event as some sort of stunt. She’s hypervigilant and certain she’s brought her daughter into danger. When she sees a Bratva tattoo on the driver, she realizes the Bratva is actually already in New Orleans, planning something big.
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Lesson 7 ASSIGNMENT 2:
CJ’s Empathy/Distress Patient X:
What I learned doing this assignment… it’s not what happens to a character that creates empathy, it’s how they choose to respond to misfortune/crisis, and the more empathy the audience develops the more distress they feel when things go wrong or the character makes “wrong” choices
1. Make a list of BIG PICTURE difficult situations and decisions your characters could make because of the main conflict of this series:
A. Undeserved misfortune: Rossi is a gifted doctor but now facing an incurable illness that will destroy her mind and eventually kill her
B. External Character conflicts: driven to save girl from serial killer, angering the detective by continuing to investigate which impacts their budding romance
C. Plot intruding on life: her illness leaves her vulnerable as it causes both her mind and body to deteriorate, makes her catatonic at times, she’s not sure how much time she has left, hiding disease from colleagues and loved ones
D. Moral dilemmas: uses new psychic powers to “read” mind of past victim who is in coma—basically stealing the girl’s memories to find the killer, torturing her by forcing her to relive attack; when is it okay for a doctor to use violence? or use medical skills against person’s wishes?
E. Forced decisions they’d never make: forced to not just use violence in self-defense, but in end kills the killer, breaking every medical vow she took
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ASSIGNMENT 1: Mr. Robot’s Empathy/Distress
Big Picture/season:
*Elliot addict, self medicating obvious mental disorder while also in court-mandated therapy
*Elliot all alone, keeps himself separate from everyone, but cares enough to help others in his life
*Evil Corp killed his father and never faced consequences
*Psychotic drug dealer has Elliot in his sights, forcing him to hack for him or Elliot’s friends will be killed
*Mr Robot almost as bad, coercing Elliot to participate in high-risk hacks, risking his life and his friends
Detailed for this episode:
*Elliot almost caught by Evil Corp CTO while performing Mr. Robot’s hack
*Elliot does what drug dealer wants but a girl he befriended and helped is still killed—he now has blood on his hands
*Another friend is endangered by Mr. Robot’s hack and Elliot can’t do anything to help her
*Evil Corp CTO murders a woman to get a promotion, personifying Evil Corp’s, well, evil
*He ends therapy but returns to tell therapist REAL truth of who he is, what he’s done, what’s really going on inside his head—all of which she missed… is he bullying/punishing her for not helping him OR actually for the first time ever being totally honest and asking for help?
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CJ’s Action structure:
What I learned from this assignment was that my previous plot was too complicated but by weaving the villain and hero’s missions together it became a more streamlined story with a clearer emotional journey without sacrificing the action
Opening: Lucy’s Pittsburgh team intercepts a Bratva drug deal only to realize it’s an ambush, Lucy’s quick-thinking saves her team
Inciting Incident: that same night, the Bratva kill Lucy’s husband as a message to Lucy to back off (this also serves Bratva’s plan to get case moved to Homeland where they have a mole)
First Turning Point at end of Act 1: Lucy and her daughter go to New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Lucy wants to find a retired Homeland Security analyst who might know the identity of man who killed her husband. Before she can, they witness a gas attack on a parade which leads to panic and terror. She rescues her daughter and civilians, BUT sees something that makes her suspect the Bratva is already here in NOLA and she’s just brought her daughter into danger
Mid-Point: Lucy rescues the analyst from the Bratva but they’re chased into the 911 center’s garage where a desperate gunfight ensues with the analyst taken by the Bratva and 911 operators held hostage, surrounded by bombs, forcing Lucy to decide between following the analyst in the hopes of saving him and getting the answers about her husband’s murder OR rescuing the 911 operators
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2: Bratva find Lucy’s daughter and capture her, demanding Lucy’s surrender or they’ll kill her
Crisis: after Lucy rescues daughter, Bratva up the ante, give up or they’ll fire a missile into the French Quarter potentially killing thousands of innocents, including Lucy’s daughter
Climax: Lucy faces Bratva leader in fight to the death, scuttles his narcosub, his plans, and he dies with them
Resolution: Lucy reunited with daughter, man responsible for her husband’s murder is now dead, justice served
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CJ’s show, Patient X, Relationship Map:
What I learned from this assignment is that I need to strengthen the relationship between the hero and villain to increase conflict, maybe find a way for them to be on share more scenes together?
Rossi (hero) and Serial Killer (Season 1 villain)
Surface: he’s a rich, concerned doctor helping with the search
Common Ground: both medical professionals, both searching for girl, both fascinated with Fatal Insomnia
Conflict: he’s hunting the girl and other kids to test if his doctored “flu” shots gave them Fatal Insomnia, experimenting on women he kills as well
History: meet during search for girl
Subtext: rich and powerful control the world, can get away with anything
Relationship Arc: strangers to competitors to nemesis to a face to face lethal encounter that only one leaves alive
Rossi and Ryder (love interest)
Surface: sexual tension/attraction
Common Ground: first responders, understand the dark side of humanity, good in a crisis, both searching for girl and killer
Conflict: he’s the detective, she’s a civilian, he doesn’t want her any where near his case, and when he discovers her secret, the Fatal Insomnia symptoms terrify him
History: meet at the opening
Subtext: tragic love story—will it be worth it, risking their hearts when they know Rossi is dying?
Relationship Arc: strangers to professionals on search to reluctant partners in search to saving each other’s lives to romance to each being willing to kill/sacrifice selves save the other
Rossi and Devon (sidekick)
Surface: unlikely allies
Common Ground: both are trying to avoid violence, both willing to break rules/laws to find her and stop the killer, both reckless
Conflict: Rossi literally is dying, has nothing to lose so she despises Devon’s recklessness because he has everything to live for
History: meet during search for Devon’s daughter
Subtext: Devon punishing himself for past sins
Relationship Arc: partner in the search, become friends, save each other’s lives, and eventually both end with blood on their hands
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Mr. Robot’s Relationships
Elliot-Tyrell
Surface: Tyrell bullies Elliot
Common Ground: Both brilliant, both with mental disorders
Conflict: Elliot wants to destroy Evil Corp, Tyrell is charged with protecting it
History: Met during a hack of Evil Corp that Elliot unknowingly facilitated
Subtext: Tyrell threatened by Elliot’s lack of ambition
Relationship Arc: Frenemies to competitors to nemesis out to destroy each other
Elliot-Angela
Surface: Elliot secretly (but obviously) loves her
Common Ground: Work together, grew up together, both lost a parent to Evil Corp
Conflict: Elliot loves her but she thinks of him as just a quirky friend she has to protect and put up with
History: Grew up next door neighbors
Subtext: Elliot stalks her, pulls her into hack on Evil Corps because that’s how he shows his love
Relationship Arc: Best friends to competitors to estranged to allies and best friends united against Evil Corp
Elliot-Mr. Robot
Surface: Brilliant jerk who pushes Elliot to take action
Common Ground: Both computer geniuses, think out of the box, hate Evil Corps
Conflict: Mr. Robot wants to burn down the world and doesn’t care who gets hurt, Elliot just wants to quietly destroy Evil Corp and go back to his life
History: Meet during Evil Corp hack
Subtext: Mr. Robot stalks Elliot, tests him to see if worthy of joining team, somehow knows Elliot’s weaknesses better than Elliot does himself
Relationship Arc: Strangers to competitors to mentor to hate to recognizing too late that Mr. Robot IS Elliot
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CJ’s Action Track:
What I learned doing this assignment was the need to vary the pacing and intensity along with the type of action sequence so that they feel organic to the situation, escalate, and also incorporate both hero and villain’s plot tracks.
Also, that just because I imagine certain actions happening, that’s not as important as them serving a purpose for the audience.
Answer the Action Questions:
A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie?
B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track?
C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act?
Gun fights, gas attack, hit and run, hand to hand, car chases, missiles, bombs, alligators, barge scuttled, stabbings, rescues, escapes, fires, torture…
The action will start targeted at “strangers” with the hero witnessing and intervening, but the more she becomes embroiled in the villain’s plan the more it will move closer to her friends and family until by the end the climatic battle will involve her choosing between her daughter and the city, then hand to hand, intimately face to face as the barge is destroyed with the villain.
Sequence the action scenes to deliver your story. Give us your list of action scenes and the purpose of each scene.
INCITING INCIDENT: Lucy’s Pittsburgh team in a DANGEROUS SITUATION as they intercept a weapons/drug deal only to realize it’s a set up and a SHOOTOUT ensues that ends with Lucy’s second in command killed by a Bratva who slit his throat
PURPOSE: reveals Lucy as competent leader, sets up the villain
MOTIVATION: the Bratva engage Lucy’s husband in a CAR CHASE that ends in them SHOOTING him as a message to Lucy to back off, a form of psychological TORTURE
PURPOSE: build empathy for Lucy while showing the villain as ruthless, will to go to any extreme including killing civilians
MISSION: Lucy goes to New Orleans during Mardi Gras to meet an Homeland Security analyst who might have intel on Bratva, only to witness a gas attack on a parade (DANGEROUS SITUATION) which leads to panic and terror. She RESCUES her daughter from the melee and they ESCAPE.
PURPOSE: introduce Lucy’s daughter, struggles as single mom, and determination to catch villain who killed her husband
FIRST ACTION: Lucy enlists the help of her local friends: one works with the FBI and alerts them, but situation is overwhelming responders so goes to take command in person, she also offers a safe haven for Lucy’s daughter while Lucy and the friend’s brother go to meet the analyst
PURPOSE: shows Lucy’s tactical skills, team-building, lack of available backup motivating need for her to leave daughter and take action against villain
OBSTACLE: they arrive to find that the Bratva is already at his house, leading to a SHOOTOUT, CAR CHASE, and ARSON but they RESCUE the analyst
PURPOSE: set up analyst as victim, shows Lucy’s skills
OBSTACLE: as the rescue is happening, the FBI building is struck by a missile—just as Lucy’s friend arrives
PURPOSE: reveals more of Bratva’s overwhelming force and increases Lucy’s determination/motivation
ESCALATION: the Bratva have Lucy, et al cornered at the Katrina Memorial and Cemetery beside the 911 Communications Building but Lucy EVADES them, not realizing they’re actually herding her into the 911 center’s garage where a desperate SHOOTOUT ensues with the analyst TAKEN, the 911 operators held HOSTAGE, with some EXECUTED and the others surrounded by BOMBS that Lucy is able to delay but not disarm giving her barely time to RESCUE the workers before the building EXPLODES
PURPOSE: takes Bratva’s actions to whole other level revealing the brutality—and also clues to the audience that it’s not just about using the 911 workers as hostages because Lucy happened to come along, but there’s more to their plan and Lucy’s up against a lot more than she realized
OVERWHELMING ODDS: the Bratva now have the analyst with his insider knowledge and are no doubt INTERROGATING/TORTURING him; they also found Lucy’s daughter and CAPTURED her, demanding Lucy’s surrender or they’ll kill her
PURPOSE: raises personal stakes and creates dilemma for Lucy
NEW PLAN: Lucy pretends to surrender as her friend RESCUES her daughter and the analyst—only to have analyst ATTACK him because the analyst is a Bratva mole, resulting in a fight in a pit filled with alligators, but once Lucy knows her daughter is free, she FIGHTS back, KNIFING and killing the leader’s youngest, but the Bratva up the ante: give up or they’ll fire a missile into the French Quarter potentially killing thousands of innocents, including Lucy’s friend and daughter
PURPOSE: increase suspense with dual action scenes (one with a victory, one with a defeat), also increased stakes and setup for climax
FULL OUT ATTACK: Lucy is dragged to the Bratva’s barge which conceals their narcosub and where the missile launcher is. The villain, the Bratva leader, is about to execute Lucy when he learns she killed his son so he forces her to launch the missile into the French Quarter. At the last minute Lucy fights back, redirecting the missile to fire at the canal lock doors, killing the elder son right in front of the leader.
As the water rushes out, the barge capsizes, now hanging horizontally, dangling from mooring lines above, Lucy and the leader both fighting each other and for a handhold to climb above the rushing water. It’s a vicious FIGHT and the leader seems to win, climbing into the narcosub
PURPOSE: face to face battle showing Lucy’s quick thinking, determination, it’s personal for both hero and villain
SUCCESS: Lucy doesn’t give up and CHASES him, ending up on top of the sub as he submerges, debris and bodies falling on her, she snags the elder son’s knife and uses it to cut through the gasket securing the sub’s hatch, the rushing water causing the sub to roll out of control smashing into the warped and wicked remnants of the blasted steel lock doors, drowning the leader and almost killing Lucy, who barely manages to surface in time
PURPOSE: leader dies as his legacy is destroyed and his sons die because of Lucy who survives to be reunited with her friends and family, saving them and the city
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CJ’s Villain’s Mission Track
What I learned: filling in the logic gaps/motivation of the Villain revealed a few weak coincident-driven points of my plot that I’ll need to rework so the Hero is well motivated to be where they need to be and increase “touchpoints” between them and the Villain, also a lot of my original action ideas included secondary characters with their own subplots, but now I’m wondering if that’s making things way too complicated and if I should instead streamline things to just my hero—hard to choose, basically I could go “Die Hard” or a big, sprawling “Mission Impossible” not sure which is best…
1. Ask the Villain Track questions to discover your Villain’s plan, decisions, and actions.
A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? Alex Morozov, the Bratva leader has been planning this for a long time—it’s his legacy to his sons, a way to ensure that their fortune and future will be secure no matter what happens in Russia. His plan is to use a stealth narcosub his youngest son designed and built to ferry drugs through the Gulf of Mexico then throughout the American Heartland’s rivers without law enforcement ever suspecting, thanks to his backdoor access to the DOJ’s computer network.
B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero? He’ll kill her second in command, kill her husband, take her daughter hostage, kill hundreds of civilians in a variety of ways: shooting, throat slitting, gas attacks, missile attack, arson, bomb, strangling, drowning.
C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie? Manpower and weapons, allies who know the city and are as ruthless as they are, and a mole on the inside who’s willing to betray the hero.
D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done? Since his motivation is to create a legacy for his sons, he’ll need to first see his sons defeated by the hero and then in the end, despite the fact that he had her at his mercy, unarmed, be killed as well when she blows up his magnificent stealth narco-sub.
2. Include labels with each step of their plan.
ARRIVE AND TAKE CONTROL: tugboat and empty barge concealing stealth narcosub arrive at New Orleans’ Ninth Ward’s Industrial Canal Lock where the Bratva immediately kill the lockmaster, close the lock to conceal their presence, and take control of area
DIVERT FIRST RESPONDERS: multiple nonlethal gas attacks along Mardi Gras parade routes to create chaos and panic, pulling local and mutual aid responders to the French Quarter and overwhelming the 911 system… except Lucy, an FBI agent, witnesses one of the attacks and intervenes, the Bratva orders their local gang partners, the Reapers to stop her
INFILTRATE 911 COMMUNICATION CENTER: with the hacker inside, as soon as the 911 center requests that the FBI take command of the incident, thus opening the national law enforcement network for a brief time, the hacker installs a backdoor into the network
DEAL WITH NEW THREAT: Lucy has alerted the FBI, but as they mobilize, the Bratva launches a missile from the barge that destroys FBI HQ
ERASE TRACKS OF HACK: the hacker is picked up by the Reapers, BUT Lucy, with the help of a local with history with the Reapers, has followed them and a gunfight at the Katrina memorial and nearby cemetery ensues
END LUCY AND SAVE PLAN: the Reapers call for Bratva backup and together force Lucy to make a desperate stand at the 911 building—which the Bratva has rigged to blow as part of their initial plan to cover any evidence of their hack. They take the 911 operators hostage to force Lucy to focus on saving the civilians while they escape with the hacker. When Lucy goes into the building she finds the bombs but outwits their arming devices to buy time to evacuate the civilians. The Bratva blow up the building remotely BUT soon learn Lucy is still alive… and more dangerous than ever because she saw and recognized the leader’s sons.
TRAP LUCY: the Bratva find Lucy’s daughter and take her hostage, demanding that Lucy surrender herself or they’ll kill Emma and fire a missile into the heart of the French Quarter
PIVOT: Lucy tracks Emma and rescues her, killing the leader’s youngest son, but to buy time for Emma to escape, she surrenders herself to the leader’s eldest son and he brings her to the barge to face his father’s wrath
SHOWDOWN: on the barge Lucy comes face to face with the Bratva leader who is preparing to leave on the narcosub, all trace of the Bratva destroyed, the Reapers will be blamed for the terrorist attacks and he can start his drug pipeline—the perfect plan, until Lucy came along. He’s ready to execute her but then his men bring him the body of his youngest son and Lucy admits to killing him. Now just shooting her isn’t enough, she must suffer. So he aims a final missile at the French Quarter, knowing there’s a good chance Lucy’s daughter will be in the vicinity and even if the girl survives, Lucy will still know thousands of innocents died because of her. He drags her to the missile launch controls…
FINAL BATTLE: as he’s forcing Lucy to push the launch control, she suddenly throws her weight against the launcher so the missile is fired not up into the sky but straight ahead, blasting the massive steel and iron canal lock doors—going thru the elder son on the way. The water held in the lock floods out, the barge hanging by mooring ropes, suddenly gone vertical, Lucy and the Bratva leader in a death match as the water surges, whipping the barge against the steel walls. The leader scrambles to his sub and Lucy follows. He launches the sub before she can board so she hangs on outside as it submerge, fighting the current, struggling to open the hatch, but fails, is about to drown if she doesn’t let go…
LUCY WINS: a body floats near—the eldest son, barely recognizable. Lucy grabs a military knife from him and uses it to cut through the gasket around the hatch, sending water rushing inside, sending the sub out of control just as it’s steering through the jagged iron doors, one leaning precariously… Lucy propels herself to the surface, away from the sub as the sub hits the door, the massive hunk of metal falling, crushing the sub beneath it
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CJ’s Characters’ Emotions:
What I learned during this assignment was to search out a character’s “bad” traits and dig into them. Then twist the knife and dig some more.
Assignment 1: Mr. Robot
Emotional Profile: Elliot
A. Hope: peace of mind / Fear: insanity
B. Want: make world better via hacking / Need: to hack his own mind
C. Base Negative Emotion: disdain / Public Mask: distant, emotionless
D. Weaknesses: doesn’t even know his own life or mind so clueless about others and social situations, walled off from emotion
E. Triggers: bullying, injustice
F. Coping Mechanism: hacks into every part of enemy’s life and uses it to take revenge from a distance
ASSIGNMENT 2: My show, Patient X
Dr. Angela Rossi:
A. Situational: Hope she’s not actually dying/ Fear of abandonment—losing her mind to a disease would be the ultimate abandonment
B. Motivation: Wants love/ Needs self-esteem
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion: Fear / Public Mask: uber-competent, fearless doctor who can fix anything
D. Weaknesses: trusts no one, so doesn’t let anyone close enough to find love; control freak, which can’t be if your mind is being destroyed; reckless
E. Triggers: anyone telling her “no, you can’t”
F. Coping Mechanism: jumps into problems before thinking–and before fears can stop her
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CJ’s Hero’s Mission Track:
What I learned from this assignment is that although a story has many moving parts/subplots/B stories, focusing on the hero’s mission clarifies the emotional arc as well as the action.
1. Ask the Mission Track questions to discover your Hero’s mission.
A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds? The Bratva executed her husband just to send her a message, but now that it’s personal, Lucy will do anything to stop them—not just for justice for her husband, not just because it’s her job, but because it’s the best way to protect her daughter from ever becoming their target.
B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal?
A lone FBI agent, cut off from backup other than a few locals she’s enlisted to help her, they’re outgunned, outmanned, and have no idea what the Bratva’s plan is.
C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?
External: saving lives as the Bratva terrorize Mardi Gras
Internal: revenge for her husband
D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain?
The hero has to fight on multiple fronts: gain intel so they have some idea what they’re up against and where to intervene, recruit help and resources (transpo, comms, weapons), and when they take the fight to the bad guys they’re automatically severely disadvantaged because they won’t kill civilians and indeed, will protect them, which the Bratva will use against them. The entire mission seems doomed from the start, flat out cursed as more people die because the hero can’t save everyone, and then downright suicidal by the end when the hero goes up against the Bratva alone and unarmed, fighting for her daughter’s life.
2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.
Clear Mission: locate and stop the Bratva from establishing a base in the American heartland
Motivation: Lucy discovers Bratva have arrived in Pittsburgh, when she and her team try to arrest them they walk into a trap and her second-in-command is killed, Lucy goes home to find her husband murdered—a message to her to back off or her daughter is next
Inciting Incident: Lucy and her daughter get an invite to Mardi Gras from old friend
First Action: arrives in NOLA only to get caught in one of many coordinated attacks, plunging the city into chaos: the Bratva is here in NOLA
Obstacle: the Bratva attack the 911 communications center, take civilians hostage, then blow up the building—Lucy’s not able to save them all
Escalation: the Bratva kidnap Lucy’s daughter and launch a missile at the FBI building, taking out the team assembling to protect the city
Overwhelming Odds: with the French Quarter in flames and cut off from help, Lucy must find a way to stop the Bratva, destroy their missile launcher, and save her daughter
New Plan: Lucy traces Bratva’s comms, deploys her small team to rescue her daughter while she’ll take on the leader herself to distract him from the rescue, as long as her daughter is safe, she doesn’t care what happens to her
Full out Attack: Lucy kills the Bratva leader’s son, but is captured and taken on board the Bratva’s barge where the leader has the next missile aimed at the French Quarter. Lucy fights free, is able to re-aim the missile as it’s fired, a fierce battle ensues and she kills the Bratva leader, saving the city
Success: Lucy’s reunited with her unharmed daughter
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CJ’s Hero and Villain:
What I learned doing this assignment is… That things can always get worse for the hero—and the story is better when you take them to the worst hell they imagine… and make it even more hellish with a twist they can’t imagine
Concept: A Pittsburgh FBI agent travels to Mardi Gras to hunt the Russian Bratva responsible for her husband’s murder and is forced to put her trust in a motley team of outsiders, a trust that is tested when her daughter is taken hostage by the ruthless Bratva leader.
Hero Morally Right: FBI agent hunting bad guys
Villain Morally Wrong: Russian Bratva establishing new drug pipeline
Hero
A. Unique Skill Set: excellent tactician, also empathy
B. Motivation: justice for murdered husband, protect and serve civilians
C. Secret or Wound: her husband sacrificed his own career so she could pursue the life of an FBI field agent, so his murder BECAUSE of the job she loves has shaken her to her core
Villain
A. Unbeatable: has money, men, but most of all no conscience, ruthless, brutal
B. Plan/Goal: use American heartland rivers to create new drug route that bypasses law enforcement
C. What they lose if Hero survives: has invested everything in this venture so loses fortune, face, and most importantly to him, his sons’ legacy
Impossible Mission
A. Puts Hero in Action: after the Bratva set a lethal trap for her team in Pittsburgh and then murdered her husband to sideline Lucy (who came close to exposing their plan), she must find a way to hunt them without endangering her daughter or her team again
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best: she does everything “right” yet still ends up overwhelmed by the Bratva, now in a strange city, with no resources/back up, her daughter at risk, forced to ask for help from strangers (a new team) as the Bratva’s violence escalates, terrorizing the entire city
C. Destroy the Villain: after the Bratva destroys the FBI office, shuts down first responders, kills hundreds of civilians, and takes her daughter hostage, Lucy takes the fight to them, willing to die herself to save her daughter and the city and stop them once and for all
Tell us your improved answers: In the Destroy the villain step, I want to escalate the stakes for both the hero and the villain, so I think taking things a step farther where Lucy kills one of the villain’s sons, and he forces her to choose between saving her own daughter and the city, it’d be stronger since it’s “easy” or at least assumed by audiences that a hero is willing to sacrifice their own lives… but sacrificing their child? That’s a real gut-wrenching dilemma with more dramatic potential.
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Assignment 1: Mr. Robot’s many layers of intrigue
Character Name: Elliot
Role: security consultant turned hacker vigilante
Hidden agendas: wants to destroy Evil Corps because it killed his father, wants to protect Angela (childhood friend/love interest) because her father was also killed and she’s the only one who’s ever accepted him as he is, wants his father’s love
Competition: Tyrell who runs Evil Corps IT dept, Angela’s worthless boyfriend who is coerced into the hack
Conspiracies: F-society of hackers, Dark Army hackers, cabal behind Evil Corps
Secrets: hides data from boss, secretly gets Angela’s boyfriend in trouble and his neighbor’s drug dealer arrested, spies on everyone around him
Deception: pretends to be just a security consultant, pretends not to have a problem with drugs when not only addict but using to self-medicate for DID
Wound: father abused him as child but also loved his father and is desperate for his father to love him
Secret Identity: Mr. Robot
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Assignment 2: CJ’s Intriguing Character Layers
What I learned doing this assignment was even a “hero” has secrets and hidden motivations that might make them perform unheroic actions or make bad choices
For your Inner Circle characters, fill in any of the Intrigue items that apply:
Character Name: Angela Rossi
Role: main character, ER doctor who discovers new psychic powers stemming from Fatal Insomnia
Hidden agendas: keeping her symptoms secret
Competition: serial killer is hunting the same victims she’s searching for
Conspiracies: she eventually learns her disease is manmade and there are others like her
Secrets: her disease and the powers it gives her
Deception: she hides the others like her, even from the detective she’s falling in love with
Wound: never fit in with her adoptive family, never knew her real parents
Secret Identity: she’ll come to learn that her real family are the ones behind the Fatal Insomnia and the serial killer
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CJ’s Conventions:
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of choosing specific “upfront” details for the audience to focus on, then fill in all the vast “scenery” of the background.
Concept:
A Pittsburgh FBI agent travels to Mardi Gras to hunt the Russian Bratva responsible for her husband’s murder and is forced to put her trust in a motley team of outsiders, a trust that is tested when her daughter is taken hostage by the ruthless Bratva leader.
Conventions
Hero: Pittsburgh FBI Special Agent Lucy Guardino
Demand For Action: after her investigation gets too close, the Bratva murders her husband to warn her off, leaving Lucy to raise her daughter alone and sacrifice her career as a field agent
Mission: BUT Lucy hasn’t quit, has been pursuing an off-the-books investigation into the Bratva as they attempt to create a drug pipeline in the US. After she foiled their plan in Pittsburgh, she suspects they’ll use the Mississippi River, so she accepts an invite from a friend to visit New Orleans with her daughter only to find the Bratva are already there, targeting Mardi Gras for “terrorist” attacks designed to hide the Bratva’s real mission: infiltrate the DOJ’s computer network, giving them intel they need to move freely throughout the heartland and avoid capture.
Antagonist: Alex, leader of the Morozov Bratva
Escalating Action: small diversionary attacks creating chaos in the French Quarter escalate to bombing of the 911 communications center and an attack on FBI headquarters, leaving Lucy and her small crew the only ones able to stop the Bratva, but the Bratva turns the tables, kidnapping Lucy’s daughter, forcing her into an impossible choice: save her daughter or save the city.
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Hi, I’m CJ.
I’m a thriller writer but this is my first attempt at a film script.
Hoping to learn tons here!
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ASSIGNMENT 2:
CJ’s Engaging Main Characters for Patient X:
What I learned from this lesson: importance of drilling down on a few specific and uniquely engaging qualities to make characters memorable and compelling.
1. Tell us the journey of your show.
An ER doctor who suddenly gains the ability to communicate with comatose/dying patients is commanded by a dying nun to “save the girl.” With the help of the girl’s father and a police detective, she saves the girl from a serial killer, despite her new abilities being caused by a lethal disease destroying her brain, Fatal Insomnia.
2. Who are the main characters that will sell your show?
*Dr. Angela Rossi–while the other characters will hopefully also be intriguing and compelling, the show centers around Rossi’s unique predicament, although this exercise made me realize that I will need to spend more time working on her antagonist
3. Answer these questions for each of those characters.
A. Role in the show:
*Rossi: main character, it’s her journey the story follows
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise:
*While her skills as an ER doctor come into play what’s unique about her is that she’s suffering from Fatal Insomnia, a prion disease that while slowly destroying her brain has also gifted her with new psychic powers.
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?
*Her secrets are: hiding her disease from people who would label her insane and want to hospitalize her and not knowing her own family origins, which become essential as she learns she’s a pawn in a much larger conspiracy led by her biological mother
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?
*At first, she denies her symptoms, continuing to practice medicine, until she realizes she’s endangering lives; then during her search for the missing girl she breaks rules, laws, and even medical ethics as she becomes desperate to save the girl
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next?
*Her disease makes her behavior erratic but also, once she’s accepted that she’s dying she becomes more willing to take wild risks with her own life
F. Empathetic: Why do we care?
*She’s a good doctor, fiercely passionate and protective of her patients, and brings that same attitude to her fight to save the girl; she’s also an innocent victim herself, suffering from a terrible, devastating disease for which there is no cure, heroically facing her own impending descent into madness and eventual death
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CJ Lyons, I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Robert Ritner
Member June 19, 2023 at 9:13 am
I’ll do the class privately.
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Pamela Rice
Member June 19, 2023 at 12:33 pm
I, Pamela Rice, agree to the terms of the release form.
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Deborah Johnson
Member June 19, 2023 at 12:43 pm
Reply
Deborah Johnson
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Assignment 1: Mr. Robot’s Engaging Main Characters:
1. Tell us the journey of your show.
Elliot goes from gifted cyber security expert to hacker-vigilante determined to take down a global cabal led by Evil Corp’s Tyrell.
2. Who are the main characters that will sell your show? Elliot/Mr. Robot and his nemesis Tyrell
3. Answer these questions for each of those characters.
A. Role in the show:
Elliot/Mr. Robot: main character/hero, we follow him on his journey as he fights mental health issues (dissociative identity disorder) and learns the terrible truth of himself: that he’s the very hacker he’s been fighting but didn’t know about because the hacker takes on the personae of Mr. Robot who is in reality, his dead father
Tyrell: nemesis/antagonist, although not on screen much in the first episode, he becomes an increasingly intriguing character as he first woos then pursues Elliot using a variety of malicious manipulations
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise:
Elliot: cyber genius despite his obvious mental health issues
Tyrell: almost as smart as Elliot but without his mental issues so is readily accepted in corporate society as their “golden boy”
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?
Elliot: Mr. Robot, the hacker he’s pursuing is actually Elliot himself, an alternative personality manifesting as Elliot’s father
Tyrell: is a sociopath with no boundaries
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?
Elliot: self medicates with drugs, uses his cyber skills to punish people he deems as “bad”
Tyrell: sociopath, BDSM relationship with wife
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next?
Elliot: when Mr. Robot is in charge not only does Elliot have no idea what Mr. Robot might do, the audience is also totally in the dark, anticipating the next crazy twist in the hacker’s plan
Tyrell: random acts of cruelty interspersed with well-rehearsed manipulations
F. Empathetic: Why do we care?
Elliot: definite underdog who’s never caught a break (we learn that his father was abusive yet Mr. Robot seems to walk a fine line between abuse, coercion, and genuine fatherly love—at least how Elliot’s mind interprets that)
Tyrell: we want him to lose yet can’t help but be impressed by how he wins
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Lesson 2, Assignment 2: CJ’s Three Circles of Characters
What I learned doing this assignment is that the MC’s circle feels like it’s not just about knowing/interacting or even amount of time “on stage” with the MC, but rather the people who are the reason WHY the MC does what she does, provide motivations for her choices and actions—these people help drive the plot and the MC’s character arc.
For my show, working title, Patient X:
A. Main Characters Circle:
Main Character is Dr. Angela Rossi: ER doctor who learns she is suffering from a rare, debilitating, hereditary prion disease, Fatal Insomnia, that has either driven her to delusions OR given her a newfound ability to “mindmeld” with patients who are close to death–she needs to decide to have faith in herself and follow her new psychic powers, even if it means giving up medicine and letting the rest of the world think she’s insane
Love interest is Detective Matthew Ryder, who is surprised when Rossi is able to lead him from a murdered nun who dies in Rossi’s ER to a serial killer’s lair as she convinces him to join her search for a missing girl she’s compelled to save.
“Partner in crime” is Devon Price, former gangbanger exiled by current gang leader, he returns home when his childhood sweetheart is murdered only to learn he’s a father—and his daughter is missing, he’s just as determined as Rossi to find her even if it means breaking the occasional law (or jaw)
Season 1 villain is Leo Kingston, who’s taking and killing the missing women—a genius when it comes to drug development, but a failure as a businessman trying to keep his father’s pharmaceutical company afloat, he has a secret life as a serial killer although he doesn’t choose the women he takes, but has plenty of fun killing and disposing of them after his experiments are finished… but who’s pulling his strings?
Nemesis or Big Bad for the series (revealed toward the end of Season one, I’m guessing?): a cabal led by a few select families who have for generations cultivated the gene for Fatal Insomnia, knowing that even if many die a terrible death, others develop psychic powers that are priceless, leading to the family growing in power and wealth over the centuries until now they’ve decided the only way to save the human race from certain extinction (and to preserve their own family’s position) is to artificially induce the same genetic changes wrought by Fatal Insomnia in a chosen population that they will control and use to manipulate mankind’s future. The missing children and women are part of the initial experimental cohort… as is Dr. Angela Rossi, making her a target.
The leader of the experiment is the doctor who becomes Rossi’s physician, giving him the opportunity to gain her trust along with inside knowledge of her investigation as her psychic powers manifest beyond even what he anticipated. But even he answers to the leader of the family: Rossi’s biological mother who she’s never met.
B. Connected Circle: the dying patients who “talk” to Rossi, including the nun who commands her to “find the girl”; the girl who is missing—along with other missing children and women, victims of the killer; Rossi’s quirky adoptive family; her former boyfriend; and a variety ER friends, including Rossi’s best friend, Dr. Louise Mehta
C. Environment Circle: various first responders, patients, families of the victims, witnesses, Devon’s old gang, residents of the gang’s housing complex, as well as the city itself, a downtrodden rust-belt town in the Pennsylvania mountains, riddled with subterranean tunnels and monstrous secrets
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Lesson 2, ASSIGNMENT 1:
Mr. Robot:
A. Main Characters Circle: Elliot, Angela (love interest), Mr. Robot (alterego), Tyrell (nemesis)
B. Connected Circle: Krista (Elliot’s therapist), drug dealers, Darlene (E’s sister), Angela’s boyfriend
C. Environment Circle: boss, Ecorp minions, FBI, cops, hackers, IT workers, anonymous New Yorkers
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Mr Robot 5 Star Model
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” An unreliable narrator with mental health issues might seem like a poor choice for a main character to carry a multi-season show (as opposed to a film) BUT if you do it right, with an actor who is so engaging you can’t look away and also charismatic and empathetic, and you create a word around them that is fascinating, it actually can work.
5 Star Points for Mr Robot:
*What is the big hook of this show? A vigilante hacker who suffers from delusions takes on the world’s biggest “Evil” Corp to save everyone, but most importantly his childhood love, from their predatory practices.
*What makes these main characters intriguing and interesting? Elliot is suffering from delusions (and other unnamed mental disorders), making him an unreliable narrator, but also he’s extremely sympathetic as we see him use his unique genius to act as a champion, taking down a child porn network, protecting his therapist—and a puppy!—and also deciding (albeit reluctantly) finally to risk everything to take up the fight against E-corp.
*What situation causes us to feel both empathy and distress for this character? We feel his aloneness—more than mere loneliness, his feeling of being “other” is so severe that he self-medicates with a carefully managed regimen of illegal drugs just to function. It’s both sad and distressing, especially when we see how hard he struggles to manage any social interaction at all only to be repeatedly misunderstood and rejected.
*What questions are created by this first episode that can only be answered by watching the entire season? Can Elliot actually take down Evil Corp? Will he destroy himself and/or Angela (his childhood friend/love) in the process? Who is Mr. Robot? Is any of this even happening or is it all—as Elliot himself fears—just another of his delusions?
*How does this pilot create the need to see every single episode? It combines mystery (Elliot’s mental health, the anonymous hacker collective, the sinister new E-Corp CTO) with thriller pacing, unique characters who are both heroic and vulnerable, and a fascinating world we haven’t seen before: vigilante hackers.
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I’m CJ Lyons and am thrilled to be here—I have soooo much to learn!
I’m a novelist and over the years have come very, very close to having my books adapted either to film or TV. A producer told me to consider writing the film adaptation for one of my thrillers, so I’m working on my first script.
Most of my books lend themselves more to long-form storytelling, so I was excited when I learned about this class. I want to learn the behind-the-scenes process of how/why series get green-lit and will be using an older book of mine (the first of a trilogy) as source material for creating a series.
Since I’m such a newbie, I thought having an existing story as a barebones template to use as a springboard to new ideas would allow me to focus more on process and experimenting with all the concepts the course will be covering (just the first two pre-lessons were tons of fun, trying out a whole new-to-me way of approaching story!)
As for something special… in my prior life as a pediatric ER doc I met a serial killer…
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CJ Lyons
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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isn’t it actually a fairly common trope–going all the way back to Rosemary’s Baby?
or consider The Quiet Place where the mom was pregnant as the monsters gathered.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by CJ Lyons.
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This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by
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yes, I emailed you almost two weeks ago and posted here on the forum (these forums are super glitchy!)
what format would you prefer? word doc is the easiest to add comments to
thanks,
CJ
PS: I’ll also send this to your email, hope it makes it thru
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hey again! emailed you last week, but thought I should post here as well
happy to exchange anytime, my script, PATIENT X, is a medical thriller with paranormal elements aimed at streamers and is 58pages
PDFs can be difficult to add comments to, would you prefer a word doc instead? just let me know what works for you
CJ
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Hi, Lloyd! I’d be happy to exchange scripts but I won’t be ready with mine until next week as I’m still working thru the final lessons.
Let me know if that works for you,
CJ