[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Wordsmithing

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

I didn’t realize how many repetitive words I used in this script. Combing through each line forced me to use my thesaurus and elevate my wordsmithing. I also tightened the script by eliminating useless adverbs and adjectives. I think it reads faster and better.

WORD COUNT NEW COUNT

Look(s) 60

Sit(s) 16

Eyes 20

Out 28

Crawl(s) 12

Watch 17

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Has Tested Every Line

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

My current script is a visual, cat and mouse style thriller with limited dialogue. The second half of the script is mostly visual, which needs brevity in the narrative. Searching through my script, line by line, I created as many single line descriptions as possible to make it read faster.

The cat and mouse scene of my script takes place in an abandoned steel mill. But cutting between each location inside the mill bogged down the action.

Intercutting between the protagonist and antagonist with single lines of action created the brevity necessary to make the script a faster read. One word instead of two words. Two words instead of three words, etc.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Has Amazing Dialogue

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

Using this Skill Master Sheet, I evaluated every line of dialogue in my script. Each time I read and reread the character’s dialogue, I was able to find a better way to express their emotions and motivations.

Never stop improving dialogue!

I updated dialogue on almost every page. I added to the drug dealers monologue to create depth of humor to contrast his violence. I added poetry to my antagonist dialogue to create his philosophy. And I created greater anger in my protagonist to mask her fear.

———-

SCENE:

KELITA
I – I don’t know. I don’t know…

RUTH
Please, Kelita. Please, help me.

Kelita takes a step closer to the edge.

UPDATED:

KELITA
No. I – I don’t know…

RUTH
I’ll scream.

Kelita stops.

RUTH
I don’t want to, but I will. And he’ll come running. He’ll catch you. And he’ll hurt you.

Kelita searches for the person Ruth warns against.

RUTH
Kelita, please. I have to get out of here. You have to help me.

SCENE:

Griffin paces back and forth, more than nervous, whiskey in hand, rubbing his brow from a headache.

A KNOCK at the door.

GRIFFIN
Come in.

Diana enters. She locks the door behind her.

DIANA
Henry. It’s going to be okay.

Griffin lowers his voice to a whisper.

GRIFFIN
I’ve been trying to call you all night. Where have you been?

UPDATED:

Griffin paces back and forth, more than nervous, whiskey in hand, rubbing his brow from a headache.

A KNOCK at the door.

GRIFFIN
Come in.

Diana enters. She locks the door behind her.

DIANA
This is no time to get drunk.

Griffin lowers his voice to a whisper.

GRIFFIN
I’ve been trying to call you all night. Where have you been?

SCENE:

Ruth begging Kelita for help.

RUTH
I have money. And my husband is a congressman. We can set you up. A new identity. A new city. A new life. You’ll be free. Safe.

UPDATED:

RUTH
What did the police promise you? A new life? I can give you that. I have money. And my husband is a congressman. We can set you up. A new identity. A new city. You’ll be safe. Free.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Has Incredible Monologues

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

Using this monologue assignment created the pivotal moment in my script when Ruth’s sister, Diana, explains her pathology to her lover, Ruth’s congressman husband. It helped me explain her motivation, envy, hate, and her evil ambitions that turned the story in a new direction. This was fun!

SETUP:

Until this moment in my script, the audience suspects Ruth’s husband in the kidnapping. When her sister Diana arrives, we soon learn she’s the catalyst in her sister’s demise and her motives. The monologue below is Diana reassuring Henry, Ruth’s congressman husband, about her ambitions for them as a power couple.

SCENE:

Diana moves toward Griffin with focused, fierce contempt for her sister, her words inspired by some predetermined destiny for herself and her lover.

DIANA

This is what we’ve been working for. There’s no turning back, not now. And tomorrow, after her body is found, you will give a speech about the death of your beloved wife. It’s been written for you. It’s an impassioned speech, one that will galvanize your election and sweep you into office with the sympathy of a nation.

(beat)

I will replace Ruth on the campaign as your personal advisor. Our being together will appear normal and, in time, accepted and understood. And with Ruth gone, I will leverage the family trust to buy political influence and exploit the Talcott name to ingratiate ourselves within the Washington elite.

(beat)

Those aging prunes won’t dare deny you the Appropriations Committee, not after tonight. Not again.

(beat)

You will a be an established member of the party, adored by the voters, respected by the sycophants in the press. You will ascend to power, to leadership, and ultimately, to the speakership. This is your destiny. And if your enemies dare stand in your way, we will crush them into dirt in the streets.

Diana takes his faces in his hands, close enough to kiss.

DIANA

We are to the end of our beginning. One last step. One irrelevant life, and we will be mated together… in all things.

Diana pulls his face toward hers.

DIANA

No-one can stop us. No-one.

Diana forces him to kiss her, and Griffin wraps himself to her in a lovers embrace.

[Dana Abbott]

<div>WIM2 – Dana is great a Subtext Pointers</div><div>

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

</div>

What I learned from doing this assignment?

I understood the importance of subtext in script, but this assignment gave me more innovative methods and ideas how to improve subtext.

————

The scene below between my protagonist, Ruth, and her younger sister, Diana, takes place after Ruth has left her lover’s bed and before she’s kidnapped by the antagonist. Unbeknownst to Ruth, her sister is plotting to kidnap and kill Ruth to take over her life. In this scene, Diana is waiting for Ruth to arrive for their scheduled dinner in an upscale restaurant.

DIANA
You’re late.

RUTH
You should be used to that by now, sister, dear. You’ve only known me your whole life.

IMPLICATION: Ruth lives life by her own rules without too much concern for her younger sister.

Ruth slides into the booth opposite Diana, and the waiter hands her a menu.

WAITER
Would you care for something to drink, Mrs. Griffin?

RUTH
Gin martini. Onions.

DIANA
And another for me.

HINT: Diana order another drink to calm her nerves.

WAITER
Right away, Ms. Talbott.

The waiter leaves. Diana checks him out when he walks away.

RUTH
Can you be a little more obvious, Diana? I don’t think he saw you.

DIANA
You’re one to complain. If you’re going to use me as your excuse, the least you could do is be on time.

IMPLICATION: Ruth is having an affair and uses Diana to cover for her.

RUTH
Don’t worry. I won’t need you as an excuse anymore.

HINT: The affair is coming to an end.

DIANA
Mystery man not ringing your bell?

INSINUATION: Diana knows about the affair but doesn’t know who.

RUTH
I’ve decided to file for divorce.

This news is serious. Diana puts down her martini.

DIANA
From Henry? Why?

RUTH
I’m tired of the charade. I know he’s seeing someone. And my doing the same doesn’t make us even. It makes life worse.

DIANA
Do you know who he’s seeing?

RUTH
Someone in our circle. Beyond that, I don’t care. I just want out.

DIANA
What about the campaign? A divorce may hurt his reelection.

RUTH
I’ll wait until after the election. I’d rather he lives in Washington than live near me. He’ll be happier screwing interns, anyway.

INSINUATION: Ruth’s husband cheats on her a lot.

DIANA
You’ll be giving up the DC life.

RUTH
Bunch of vipers. They smile in your face and stab you in the back. I’ll be glad to put that city in my rearview.

DIANA
You say that now. But wait until we’re Nancy Pelosi’s age and we’re chasing our friends’ grandsons.

INSINUATION: They’re both getting older

RUTH
Money, sex and power. Is that all you care about?

DIANA
What else is there?

HINT: Diana loves money and status.

RUTH
If you’re so pro marriage, why did you divorce David?

DIANA
Please. If I had your lifestyle, I wouldn’t care if David was cheating on me with Caitlyn Jenner. At least he would have shown an interest in sex. He was as flaccid as a rotten banana.
(she eats her olive)
When do you plan to tell Henry?

INSINUATION: Diana covets Ruth’s life.

METAPHOR: Diana’s ex-husband was sexually weak.

RUTH
Tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

DIANA
How will he take the news?

RUTH
How do you think? His standard of living is about to drop.

IMPLICATION: Ruth has money, not her husband.

DIANA
Would it matter if I said I think you’re being stupid?

RUTH
No. But I’m sure you’re dying to tell me why.

SASRCASM: Diana is opinionated.

DIANA
So what if Henry has affairs? Dad had his women, and mom didn’t care. She enjoyed her separate life and all the spoils that went with it.

IMPLICATION: Diana only cares about money.

RUTH
Dad’s women were an open secret. Mom just pretended not to care. But his affairs cut her deep.

DIANA
Nothing a trip to Monte Carlo couldn’t cure. Mom was no angel. Remember Rodrigo?

SARCASM: Diana didn’t respect her parents.

The waiter returns with their martinis, then leaves.

RUTH
I remember. And I don’t care. I want to be happy.

DIANA
Happiness is overrated. If I had your life, I’d wallow in the DC decadence and abuse my husband’s power.

IMPLICATION: Diana not only covets Ruth’s life, but she’d also abuse her privileges.

RUTH
Well, when I divorce Henry, you can have him. How about that?

IMPLICATION: Ruth suspects Diana is jealous of her life.

Ruth lifts her drink.

RUTH
To our friends’ grandsons.

Diana joins her sister but offers a toast of her own.

DIANA
To mumsy and dadsy and the Talbott family trust. Without them, we’d be stuck with boring, flaccid husbands.

HINT: They share family wealth.

RUTH – CLOSE

She toasts and drinks.

CUT TO BLACK:

Next Scene: Ruth wakes up in the smelting ladle of an abandoned steel mill.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 Module 8 Lesson 4 – Subtext Dialogue Part 1

WIM2 – Dana Loves Covering Subtext

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

Subtext is the most important part of my script. I realized I needed to insert more subtext into my story, given the supporting characters have plotted with the antagonist to kidnap of my protagonists.

My antagonist never speaks to the antagonist (never speaking is part of his disguise and adds to the horror of the kidnapping), creating the need for subtext by his silence. The protagonist figures the plot against her by subtext.

The supporting characters, primarily the sister, speaks in subtext most of the script to hide her true intentions of taking over my protagonist’s life.

With each rewrite, I always look for ways to incorporate more subtext.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Loves Anticipatory Dialogue

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

I scoured my entire script to find as much anticipatory dialogue I could find. My story is a kidnap thriller, and in that, much of my dialogue is anticipatory. Do this or else. I studied every line, and found I could increase the tension by removing responsive dialogue or remarks and adding predictions, consequences and warnings.

I rewrote my protagonist and her antagonist sister’s dialogue, creating anticipation and consequences to improve their motivations.

I improved my secondary villain dialogue, creating a more villainous character.

And I created silence at a strange time to increase the tension between the protagonist and her kidnapper, who never speaks.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Loves Attack / Counterattack Dialogue

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

The attack/counterattack method creates greater conflict between the characters, even characters with similar agendas, and creates more interesting scenes.

The dialogue between my protagonist and antagonist is one-sided. The antagonist has kidnapped my protagonist, and he doesn’t speak. So my protagonist’s banter is aggressive, and he responds with body language and signals.

The banter in my script comes from the supporting characters. My protagonist’s husband and sister and the FBI agents trying to find my protagonist. The attack/counterattack between these characters creates the conflict and setup for later reveals.

I rewrote the scene between the sister and the FBI to improve the opposing interests. The FBI asks the right questions, while the sister conceals the protagonist’s affair from her husband. This scene plays out later when sister’s attack/ counterattack strategy was to protect her involvement in the kidnapping, not to hide her sister’s affair from her husband.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Dialogue Structures

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

I found some of my dialogue scene to be too Q&A. I needed to create more context and deeper meaning for the characters’ motives to drive the story forward.

I enhanced the dialogue between the protagonist and her antagonist sister in the first 10 pages to create a better setup/reveal situation when it’s reveals the sister is involved in the kidnapping.

I also created a monologue to define and strengthen the sister’s motivations in taking over her sister’s life, and to demonstrate the weakness of the protagonist’s husband.

The final conversation between sisters also needed to show the antagonist sister’s overconfidence that she would not be caught before the protagonist turns the tables.

And several text dialogues between antagonists needed greater conflict.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Elevated Dialogue

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

The first draft of a script creates the foundation for your story. The second, third and fourth draft of a script improve the scenes. But elevating the dialogue created greater depth and conflict for my primary and secondary characters to drive the story forward. I could see their personalities develop with each rewrite.

I added or changed almost every line of every character and supporting character in my script to create greater conflict between them.

In this fourth version, I added the protagonist’s sister, which required enhanced dialogue to show her duplicity with the husband in kidnapping her sister.

I improved the subtext and humor of my drug lord to give him a passive demeanor to conflict against the gruesome violence of the scene.

I also added a protagonist monologue during the escape seen, speaking to her dead father, to give her self-courage.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Elevated Interest

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

Every scene must be elevated to the most extreme level in dialogue, location, and character to attract/involve the reader. Never stop working to elevate the script.

Key Scenes:

Scene 1: Added the Ruth’s sister to a restaurant scene to explain the motivation for Ruth’s affair.

Scene 2: I improved the drug lord’s dialogue before he kills the traitor and created suspicion on Kelita.

Scene 3: Restructured the communication between the Custodian and Ruth’s husband, removing the certainty of their duplicity and creating greater suspicion. This is done to create a better reveal when we learn the sister, Dinah, is involved in Ruth’s kidnapping.

Scene 4: Added the sister, Dinah, arriving at Ruth’s home, concerned for her kidnapped sister. We learn she’s having an affair with her Ruth’s husband and hired the kidnapper to kill her sister to take over her life.

Scene 5: Kelita is the police informant her boss, Bosa, wants to find, creating internal dilemma for Kelita to help Ruth.

Scene 6: The Custodian calls Dinah and allows Ruth to listen to the call, revealing the sister’s duplicity to compel Dinah to fulfill her part of the deal without renegotiation.

Scene 7: Ruth attempt to bribe her way out of her dilemma by offering the Custodian more money and promising not to pursue him. The dead are simply collateral damage.

Scene
8: Extended the protagonist’s escape scene to include a chase across the
exposed beams of the steel mill roof.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Elevated Emotions!

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

This assignment allowed me to rethink the plot of my story and increase the intensity by adding a treacherous sister that I hadn’t considered. I also increased the intensity and the humor between protagonist and her capture that gave personality to the antagonist.

Never stop working to increase the intensity of the characters and the script.

Scene 1 Essence: Ruth lays in bed listening to her lover dress and leave.

How Intensified: She feels remorse and guilt for her affair while lying in bed

Scene 2: New scene – Ruth joins her sister at a restaurant for dinner

How Intensified: Ruth confesses to her affair affirming her sister’s suspicions.

Scene 3: Held in the smelting pot, Ruth faces her captor for the first time.

How intensified: Ruth’s fear evolves to rage, demanding her release. She uses her husband’s position as a threat, and then uses the excuse of needing a bathroom to get out. The Custodian tosses her a metal bucket to use, followed by a roll of toilet paper, adding humor to the scene.

Scene 4: Husband originally conspired with antagonist.

How Intensified: Husband having affair with sister, and sister hired Custodian.

Scene 5: Negotiating over the money, the Custodian phones the husband and allows Ruth to hear his duplicity.

How Intensified: The Custodian calls the sister and allows Ruth to hear her sister bitch at being called, revealing her duplicity.

Scene 6: New Scene – Henry learns Ruth’s sister hires Custodian.

How Intensified: Ruth’s sister berates Henry for his second thoughts and cowardice, revealing her control over him.

Scene 7: Having thwarted the Custodian, sitting in the back of the ambulance being tended, Ruth confronts Henry revealing she has the Custodian’s cell phone.

How Intensified: Ruth asks about her sister, informing Henry they need to have a talk about the family trust. Ruth is about to get everything.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Dramatic Reveals!

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned from doing this assignment?

Some of my setups/reveals were intentional. But many of my setups were written without anticipating a reveal, and I was able to use them later to reveal greater character motivation or depth. Creating depth of character early allowed me to find the hidden nuggets to reveal my character’s sinister flaws.

LIST OF REVEALS

SETUP: Ruth’s lover buttoning his shirt wearing his gaudy, gold class ring.

REVEAL: The ring is revealed on the Custodian’s finger at the end.

SETUP: Ruth’s wedding ring lays on the nightstand in the motel room.

REVEAL: The Custodian drops Ruth’s wedding ring into the smelting pot to reveal why her husband wants her dead.

SETUP: The Custodian never speaks.

REVEAL: He’s her lover, and she’d recognize his voice.

SETUP: Kelita holds Bosa’s Rottweiler during the torture scene.

REVEAL: The Rottweiler guards Kelita’s SUV when Ruth tries to escape

SETUP: Custodian points to the painted sign on the side of the smelting pot instructing Ruth to be quiet.

REVEAL: The drug gang enters and kills one of their own, threatening Ruth’s live if exposed.

SETUP: Ruth’s husband, Henry, receives an email/ransom demand from the Custodian

REVEAL: Ruth’s sister and husband hired the Custodian to kidnap Ruth

SETUP: Police question Henry about his marriage/relationship with Ruth, suspicious.

REVEAL: Sister arrives at home and reveals her affair with Henry and their plot to kill Ruth.

SETUP: Custodian uses a cell phone to text/communicate with Henry and sister

REVEAL: Ruth shows Henry she has the Custodian’s phone, and that she now owns him.

SETUP: Ruth expects her husband to pay the ransom.

REVEAL: The Custodian reveals Henry’s involvement in the kidnapping to ensure his money.

SETUP: The moon shines into the steel mill through the exposed, rotting roof above.

REVEAL: Ruth must tightrope across the beams to escape the Custodian at the end.

SETUP: The Custodian wounds the Rottweiler with a grazing shot

REVEAL: The Rottweiler attacks the Custodian to save Ruth at the end.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Loves Character Depth

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Never stop elevating the characters/storyline. Keep increasing their motivations/dilemma.

CHARACTER DEPTH TOOLS

STORYLINES

Ruth’s sister hired the Custodian to kidnap Ruth.

Ruth’s husband, Henry, is having affair with Ruth’s sister.

WHAT ARE THEY HIDING

The sister plotted the kidnapping without telling Henry.

The drug lord’s girlfriend, Kelita, is a police informant.

The Custodian is Ruth’s lover.

TRIGGER/REACTIONS

The sister negotiates the money Custodian reveals the sister’s involvement to Ruth

The Custodian reveals sister’s involvement Ruth realizes she must find a way to escape

Revealing sister’s involvement to Ruth Sister and Henry agree to pay entire ransom

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Sorry. I wasn’t able to exchange feedback this module. I have been hustling to complete the rewrite of my previous script based on the evaluation from two pros. Now that it’s done, I am seeking management and/or production.

I will be playing catch up during the next module.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Solved Scene Problems

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I learned to identify problem scenes based on the grid and speed through my script to make corrections.

1. Basic scene design

a. Contained script in an abandoned steel mill.

2. Situations don’t challenge characters

a. I increased the tension between the protagonist’s duplicitous husband and the antagonist. The husband tries to cheat the antagonist by renegotiating their deal.

b. Protagonist literally climbs out of her dilemma, but I expanded her difficulty ten fold.

3. Uninteresting Scenes

a. Added more tension between the protagonist/antagonist during kidnapping scene.

4. Scenes that don’t advance the story

a. I added scenes to enhance and expand the story.

5. Scene accomplishes only one purpose

a. Expanded ransom scene to include private communication between husband and antagonist, revealing husband’s involvement earlier.

6. Exposition filled scenes

a. News report explains the antagonist’s serial kidnapping plot. Made if more interesting by having the antagonist watch the report.

7. When do I reveal what?

a. I reveal the husband’s involvement in his wife’s kidnapping after ransom demand rather than before midpoint.

b. Then reveal their deal to protagonist just before midpoint.

c. Added tools protagonist uses to escape by suggesting an alternate use for them earlier.

8. Cliché scenes and action

a. None that I see.

[Dana Abbott]

I recently received high marks on a screenplay I wrote for PS81 from two professional screenwriters, and I am currently rewriting that script for competition and representation January 1, 2023. I have had to place my script for WIM2 aside for a few days, but I will be back on track and be ready to exchange by end of weekend.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana is Cliché Busting

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

My concept is a kidnap film, which has been done before, but I think I broke the cliché by having my protagonist kept in the smelting ladle of an abandoned steel mill. I looked over the outline and script to find any cliché scenes, actions, statements, and I think I combed them out. It’s hard to see the clichés until someone else reads the script.

Here are a few I may need to improve.

Cliché: Antagonist uses email and phone to contacts husband with ransom threat

New version: Still researching a new method.

Cliché: Husband works with FBI to save his wife

New version: Husband conspires with antagonist to kill protagonist wife

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Solved Character Problems

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Adding scenes to the script forced me to add character traits and actions to both protagonist and antagonist. This afforded me an opportunity to better develop their characters as discussed below.

A. Generic Lead Characters

a. Protagonist: Updated – Adulteress

b. Antagonist: Updated – Female kidnapper

B. Weak Protagonist/Antagonist

a. Protagonist: Updated – more vocal, attempts escape second act

b. Antagonist: Updated – calls victim’s husband and uses disguised voice

C. Protagonist Too Good or Antagonist Too Bad – No

D. Weak Character Intros – No

E. Characters Not in Action

a. Updated – Protagonist attempts failed escape in second act; expand climax escape to include chase across exposed beams of steel mill roof.

F. Protagonist Journey Not Strong – No

G. All Characters Seem the Same – No

H. Lead Character Not Present – No

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Structure Solutions

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I have a long way to go before my script is complete. I am still adding scenes and reconsidering plot to expand the story into a feature film. I am 30 pages short of a 90-minute thriller. I am also reevaluating my outline to understand where my story is deficient in characters and events.

A. Script doesn’t match the pitch.

Script and pitch are unified

B. Missed the outline in some place

Added characters to Act 1; Added cat and mouse chase between protagonist/antagonist at climax; replotted conspiracy between protagonist and antagonist’s husband.

C. Make sure your conflict is clear and always present

Conflict between protagonist/antagonist is clear

D. Focus on the structure points

Act 1

a. Opening – Added protagonist’s affair to better understand her motivations; emphasized her belief that her husband would pay for her release.

b. Inciting Incident – Rewrote ransom scene adding husband

c. Turning Point – Expanded torture/death scene for protagonist to better understand her dilemma.

Act 2 – No additions/changes

Act 3

d. React/Rethink – Her husband’s treachery reveals, she fathoms her own escape.

e. New plan – Protagonist fails on first escape try. She falls and knocks herself out. She tries again and escapes out of sheer will.

f. Turning Point – Her escape is foiled, and she flees through the mill.

Act 4

g. Climax – I’ve added an escape/chase across the exposed beams of the roof. Protagonist balances like a highwire act while being pursued by the antagonist. Eventually, they fall through the ceiling to the raised platform beneath. The chase resumes, both injured, until they wind up back at the smelting ladle where she was being held prisoner.

h. Resolution / New Ways – Remain the same.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Has Finished Act 4

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I completed the script and added several scenes
with new characters in the first two acts. I’m still short, but I hope to
create more content and improve the dialogue between characters in the next
module. I need to better develop the antagonist and protagonist characters and
their relationship. As of now I have about 70+ pages.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Continues Act 4

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I am continuing to add scenes to my script as we complete Act 4. I hope to have something near completion by the time I finish module 5.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Started Act 4

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Completing all 4 acts of my script, I found myself short 30 pages in a 90-page script. I have been reworking the outline and adding scene and characters to enhance and expand the script.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Finishing Act 3

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I finished my script, but I am 30 pages short in my story. I need to review my outline and improve my protagonist’s role in the script and add a few more scene with the supporting characters to expand the story. The bones of the story, the most difficult part of the script, is complete. And I’m looking forward to the rewrite.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Continuing Act 3

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I will finish my script exactly as I have outlined, but I’m going to be short, which will allow me to expand the story by creating a few more characters.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Began Act 3

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

The final act is underway. My vision is clear, and I am putting to paper exactly what I had outlined.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Completes Act 2

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I completed Act 2 in record time, but I am short
on my script. I am reconsidering my outline and how to expand my story to
create the 90-minute thriller I’m writing.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Continuing Act 2

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

This is one of the fasted scripts I have ever writing. I’m writing the bare bones of a 90-minute thriller, but I’m learning my script needs a few more scenes.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Began Act 2

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Speed writing and not worrying about perfection, I have been able to write through my script at an incredible rate. During the PS81 course, we wrote the beats first, then filled in the other scenes. I enjoy both methods, but I lean toward this method to keep me on track.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana Finished Act 1

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Completing Act 1, I realized I may need to create more of the ordinary world for my main character to increase the scene. I’m short by the end of the act.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Next Act 1 Scenes

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I’m speeding through the writing process from my outline, but I am beginning to realize that my script is missing a few scenes. I wrote the bones of the outline with 3 main characters. In next version, I will have to add the supporting cast scene.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Act 1 First Draft Part 1

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Writing the outline with as much description as possible made this writing assignment fly. I was able to write the first draft scene inside 3 hours. I didn’t wordsmith, worry about the perfect dialogue or scene description. I wrote the scene from my outline as fast as my imagination could write.

My script is a 90-minute thriller, and I found myself a little short. But this is my first draft, and I will add meat to the skeleton in the second draft. Especially as my lead characters become more developed in personality. I’m just writing to see where the script takes me.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s High Speed Writing Rules

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Keep writing. Don’t stop. It’s hard to break old
habits, wordsmithing and rewriting as I write, but I’m learning new techniques.
I hope I’m not too old of a dog to learn new tricks.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Fascinating Scene Outlines!

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Putting together the elements of my outline, I learned how my characters were going to interact with each other through the entire script. And I was able to improve the scenes and fill in blanks.

GENRE: Thriller

Protagonist: Ruth Griffin

Antagonist: The Custodian

Supporting Character: Camila

Scene Arc: From Ruth reviving to realizing she’s been kidnapped for ransom.

1. INT. SMELTING POT – NIGHT

Beginning: Ruth Griffin revives in the bottom of a smelting pot in an abandoned steel mill. Head covered in a black hood. Hands bound by duct tape.

Middle: Ruth removes the hood, bites off the tape, and stands. Above her, a full moon peeks through the remnants of a rotting ceiling. She explores the pot to fathom her situation and find a way to climb out. There isn’t one. The walls of pot are too tall. She cannot reach the lip.

End: She calls out, the echo of her call bounding through the mill. She yells louder, and frustrated, exasperated, and collapses, believing np-one is there. When she looks up to yell one final time, the Custodian is standing on the platform above her, watching.

Essence: Ruth has been kidnapped.

Conflict: She can’t find a way out of the pot.

Subtext: Is the kidnapper is psychotic?

Hope/Fear: We hope she escapes. We fear she will be harmed.

2. INT. SMELTING POT/PLATFORM – NIGHT

Beginning: Her kidnapper, the Custodian, cloaked in black, stands on the platform staring at Ruth from behind a mask. Nothing revealed. He never speaks.

Middle: Ruth demands answers, emphasizes her importance as a congressman’s wife and demands answers. He drops a newspaper to Ruth and instructs her to hold it up. Using a camera, takes a proof of life photo.

End: Defiant and with false bravado, Ruth yells at him. He listens to the echo bounce and fade through the steel mill. He points to the inside of the pot. In red letters a hand painted sign reads: “Shh! Be quiet. You’re not alone.” When Ruth looks up, he’s gone.

Essence: Ruth has been kidnapped for ransom

Conflict: She is defiant with her kidnapper.

Subtext: She is a woman of wealth/privilege

Hope/Fear: We hope she is released. We fear she will be harmed.

3. INT. SMALL ROOM – NIGHT

Beginning: The Custodian sets up his remote computer to contact Ruth’s husband.

Middle: He emails a proof of life photo of Ruth to her husband and demands ransom for her return.

End: The husband responds affirming the ransom will be paid.

Essence: The Custodian wants money for Ruth’s return.

Conflict: The Custodian blackmails the husband.

Subtext: He will kill Ruth if he doesn’t get his money.

Hope/Fear: We hope the husbands pays the money. We fear Ruth will be killed anyway.

====================

Scene Arc: From Ruth hoping for rescue to Ruth desperate not to be found by the drug gang.

4. INT. SMELTING POT – NIGHT

Beginning: The sound of cars alerts Ruth someone has arrived. and she climbs to her feet. She is ready to call out but hesitates, reading the “silence” warning painted on the side of the pot.

Middle: She hears people exit the cars. Their voices echo, loud, harsh. She hears them pull another man from one of the cars. They begin to question him and torture into confession.

End: Realizing the danger, Ruth remains silent, fearing for her life. But her frightened breathing echoes in the pot, and she is soon discovered.

Essence: Ruth wants to be rescues, but she is wary of her rescuers.

Conflict: Will Ruth be discovered?

Subtext: She doesn’t know who has arrived.

Hope/Fear: We hope she will not be discovered. We fear she will be killed.

5. INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Beginning: Two cars roll into the mill. The engines turn off, lights stay on. Bosa, the gang leader, exits his car with several henchmen. His young girlfriend, Camila, tends the gang’s Rottweiler.

Middle: A man is dragged from the car and dropped to his knees in the lights. They question him and beat him. He’s an informer, and Bosa want to know who the man’s been talking to. When Bosa starts torturing him, Camila winces at the brutality.

End: When Bosa shots the man, the Rottweiler hears Ruth’s sudden gasp and breaks from Camila, racing up the ladder to the platform above the smelting pot. Camila is ordered to chase the dog.

Essence: Ruth must keep silent to avoid being found.

Conflict: The gang leader tortures the informant

Subtext: The mill is not safe.

Hope/Fear: Hope the gang doesn’t find Ruth. We fear they will kill her.

6. INT. SMELTING POT/PLATFORM – SAME

Beginning: Camila chases the Rottweiler to the platform and discovers Ruth in the bottom of the pot.

Middle: Fearing for her life, Ruth silently pleads with Camila not to expose her. When asked what she sees, Camila says “just rats,” not to expose Ruth, having watched the informant tortured. Bosa orders her to rejoin the gang.

End: Bosa kills the informant. Camila takes the dog and leaves Ruth in the pot. The drug gang climbs into their cars to leave. Camila loads the dog and climbs in, wondering about Ruth. The cars drive out, leaving the dead man behind.

Essence: Ruth is discovered by Camila and is witness to a murder

Conflict: Ruth begs Camila not to expose her.

Subtext: Ruth learns why she must remain quiet.

Hope/Fear: We hope Camila doesn’t expose Ruth. We fear Ruth will be killed.

7. INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Beginning: The Custodian is sitting in the dark, the tip of a lit cigar burning. He watched the entire scene from the shadows.

Middle: Ruth hears the gang leave the mill and collapses to the floor; her adrenaline drained. When she glances up, the Custodian is standing on the platform. He holds his finger to the lips of his mask. Shh!

End: Ruth realizes the danger surrounding her and submits to be silent.

Essence: The Custodian allows the drug gang to frighten Ruth into obedience.

Conflict: His non-action scares Ruth.

Subtext: He lets others to his dirty work.

Hope/Fear: We hope he doesn’t kill Ruth. We fear he will kill Ruth.

====================

Scene Arc: From the Custodian contacting the husband to learning the husband is involved.

8. INT. ROOM – NIGHT

Beginning: Ruth’s husband contacts the Custodian via text.

Middle: They discuss the plan to kidnap Ruth, revealing her husband’s conspiracy to kill her.

End: The Custodian guarantees Ruth’s death – “Indirectly.”

Essence: Ruth’s husband is conspiring with the Custodian to kill Ruth.

Conflict: The Custodian plans to kill Ruth – “Indirectly.”

Subtext: Why does her husband want Ruth killed?

Hope/Fear: We hope they fail. We fear that they won’t.

====================

Scene Arc: From Ruth’s life being in danger to Custodian saving her life

9. INT. SMELTING POT – NIGHT

Beginning: A rattle snake, pursuing a rat, falls into the smelting pot. Ruth rolls-up the newspaper and uses her shoe to swat at the snake. When the snake strikes the newspaper, its fangs get stuck. Ruth grabs the tail and swings, slamming the snake into the side for the pit until it’s dead.

Middle: When Ruth flings the snake out of the pot, it sails past a grimy-looking derelict standing on the platform watching her. Realizing this moment is an opportunity to escape, Ruth begs him for help, first warning him about the Custodian.

He keeps asking questions, none too concerned about the Custodian, who doesn’t seem to be present. He calls out proving they’re alone. He locates and lowers an old ladder down to her, seemingly to help. But before Ruth can climb out, he climbs down into the smelting pot to assault her. Ruth fights him off but is knocked to the ground.

A rope is slung around the derelicts neck, and he’s yanked away from Ruth. The Custodian pulls him up the side of the pot inch by inch, strangling him. He loops the rope over a pully and heaves, stringing him up by the neck until his struggling stops.

End: The body is left hanging by the neck above the pot. Reluctantly, Ruth thanks the Custodian for saving her. Then blames him for her being there! A blanket and a bottle of water drop into the smelting pot.

Essence: Ruth must fight for her own survival.

Conflict: Ruth is assaulted by the derelict/Custodian kills the derelict

Subtext: The Custodian needs to keep her alive until the ransom is paid.

Hope/Fear: We first hope the derelict will help Ruth. We fear that he will assault her.

====================

Scene Arc 1: From Ruth’s husband negotiating the deal to Ruth learning her husband wants her dead.

Scene Arc 2: From Camila arrives to help Ruth to Camila being killed by the Custodian.

10. INT. EMPTY ROOM/SMELTING POT – NIGHT

Beginning: Ruth’s husband contacts the Custodian, this time by private text, confirming he’s outside the view of police. He wants to renegotiate the deal. The insurance will only pay double indemnity clause if Ruth is killed. He wants to pay half now – $1M – and half after Ruth is killed.

Middle: The Custodian demands full payment up front, as agreed. He realizes Ruth’s husband cannot be trusted to keep his end of the bargain. The husband wants to know how she will be killed. “Indirectly.”

End: The Custodian hears the singing and listens and, for a moment. Ruth, curled up under the blanket, softly sings a Bible hymn. It echoes through the mill. Does he have second thoughts.

Essence: Ruth’s husband plotting to keep half the money.

Conflict: The Custodian refuses to renegotiate.

Subtext: The husband cannot be trusted.

Hope/Fear: We hope the husband gets justice. We fear that he won’t.

11. INT. STEEL MILL/SMELTING POT/PLATFORM – NIGHT

Beginning: Nearly asleep, Ruth awakens to the sound of another car entering the mill. She tries to hide, believing it’s another drug gang, and plasters herself against the wall of the pot. She listens to the door open and close, and someone walk up the ladder to the platform.

Middle: Camila appears on the platform peering down at Ruth. She was curious about Ruth’s situation. Ruth explains fast, warning about the Custodian, and only then does Camila notice the derelict hanging in the rafters. She freaks and wants to flee. Ruth begs for help, and finally convinces Camila to drop her phone down for Ruth her phone to call the police.

End: Before Ruth can use the phone, the Custodian puts a knife through Camila’s back and drops the body into the pot. Ruth wraps Camila in the blanket, trying to keep her from dying. Camila succumbs to her wounds. Ruth crumbles emotionally, apologizing to Camila for killing her.

Essence: Camila returns, curious, wanting to help Ruth.

Conflict: The Custodian kills Camila.

Subtext: Ruth is alone. She going to be killed.

Hope/Fear: We hope Camila helps Ruth. We fear Ruth will be killed.

12. INT. SMELTING POT/PLATFORM – SAME

Beginning: Ruth screams at the Custodian for killing Camila, for kidnapping her, for everything. The Custodian demands the phone, and Ruth throws it passed his head, threatening to find him after her husband pays the ransom.

Middle: The Custodian tilts his head at her, then calls Ruth’s husband on his cell phone. He answers the call, instantly enraged that the Custodian had called him. Ruth realizes her husband is involved in her kidnapping and begins screaming at him. He quickly hangs ups.

End: Emotionally spent and betrayed, she demands to know why. The Custodian drops her wedding ring onto the blanket. She only now realizes her wedding ring was missing. The Custodian waggles his finger at her, and she now knows, intimating she was having an affair.

Essence: Ruth learns her husband is involved in her kidnapping.

Conflict: Ruth screams at her husband for his betrayal.

Subtext: Ruth must escape, or she will be killed.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth escapes. We fear she won’t.

13. INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Beginning: The Custodian texts Ruth’s husband demanding full payment, threatening to let Ruth live now that she knows her husband is involved.

Middle: Ruth’s husband agrees to pay $2M, but he wants assurances Ruth will be killed.

End: The Custodian promises to kill Ruth himself. But money first.

Essence: The Custodian wants the husband to fulfill his contract.

Conflict: The Custodian threatens the husband.

Subtext: Ruth’s husband fears being caught.

Hope/Fear: We hope the husband gets justice. We fear he won’t.

====================

Scene Arc: From the Custodian leaving to collect the ransom to Ruth climbing from the smelting pot.

14. INT. SMELTING POT – NIGHT

Beginning: When she hears the Custodian leave to collect the ransom, Ruth realizes she must now find a way to escape. She spies Camila’s car keys, having fallen out of her pocket, and realizes Camila’s car is parked in the mill.

Middle: She braces Camila’s body against the side of the pot and uses her as a step ladder to reach the lip of the pot. Not quite able to reach, she hooks the heel of her shoe over the lips. But the heel snaps off, and she falls hard into the pot.

End: Bruises and battered, she tries again, hooking her other shoe to lift her enough to grab the edge with her free hand. She pulls herself up and straddles the edge, but she can’t reach the platform.

Essence: Ruth climbs to the edge of the smelting pot.

Conflict: Ruth hating having to use Camila’s body to climb out.

Subtext: The Custodian has supplied her escape.

Hope/Fear: We hope she can climb out. We fear she will fall.

15. EXT. SMELTING POT – NIGHT

Beginning: Spying the derelict’s hanging body, she devises another plan. She slides down the edge where she can reach the derelict. She kicks at the man until his body swings close enough for her to grab. But the momentum pulls her off the edge, and the clings to the body for dear life.

Middle: Ruth climbs up his body, disgusted being this close to him. When she reaches his shoulders. she wraps herself to him, staring into his dead face with rage. She says nothing. She begins to swing herself toward the platform, closer and closer, reaching desperately. The knot in the robe begins to pull loose.

End: Ruth touches the platform but cannot hold on. The knot slips more and more. She grabs the platform as the knot gives way, and body falls to the ground. She dangles desperately and climbs onto the platform. She lays there, exhausted from the effort. She notices that she broke and nail and begins to laugh until she cries. She’s escaped.

Essence: Ruth escapes the pot.

Conflict: She uses the man who assaulted her.

Subtext: The Custodian has helped her escape.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth reaches the platform. We fear she will fall.

====================

Scene Arc: From Custodian finding Ruth gone to the Custodian being killed.

16. INT. STEEL MILL/PLATFORM – NIGHT

Beginning. She hears the Custodian’s car return and flees, barefoot, into the shadows of the mill.

Middle: The Custodian returns with the satchel of ransom money. He discovers Ruth has climbed from the pot, realizing he provided her with the mean to escape.

End: The Custodian drops the satchel on the platform, searches the mill from the platform, knowing she’s out there, hiding. He draws his knife and slides into the darkness, vanishing.

Essence: Ruth must evade the Custodian to escape.

Conflict: The Custodian must now kill Ruth.

Subtext: The Custodian realizes he allowed her to escape.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth will kill the Custodian. We fear the Custodian will kill Ruth.

17. INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Beginning: Ruth sees the Custodian meld into the darkness vanish. She winds her way toward Camila’s car in her bare feet.

Middle: The Custodian is nowhere to be seen. Ruth creeps from the shadows into the moonlight and approaches the driver’s door. When she opens the door, the Rottweiler lunges at her from the back seat. Startled, she falls backward, the door partially open, the Rottweiler desperately trying to get to her, nosing the door open.

End: The Custodian appears form nowhere. Ruth bolts into the machinery and shadows. The Rottweiler noses open the door and gives chase.

Essence: Ruth’s escape is foiled.

Conflict: Ruth fights off the Rottweiler.

Subtext: Ruth will not be allowed to escape.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth will kill the Custodian. We fear the Custodian will kill Ruth.

18. INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Beginning: Ruth eludes the Rottweiler, running up a ladder to the opposite platform. She grabs a pipe and swing, striking the dog and sending him whining into the dark.

Middle: The Custodian is coming up the ladder. Ruth ducks into the shadows again, waiting with the pipe in ambush. She strikes, knocking the Custodian down, dropping his knife.

End: Ruth swings to finish him off, but he grabs the pipe and yanks it from her. Ruth runs off again.

Essence: Ruth fights the Custodian.

Conflict: Will Ruth will the fight?

Subtext:

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth kills the Custodian. We fear the Custodian will kill her.

19. INT. STEEL MILL/CATWALK – NIGHT

Beginning: Running across the catwalk, her bare foot digs into something sharp. Ruth cries out and lands hard. Wounded, the Custodian climbs to his feet, and gives chase.

Middle: Ruth hobbles to her feet and limps away fast with the Custodian behind her.

End: Cornered on the platform above the smelting pot, Ruth cannot escape. She grabs anything she can find as a weapon – a piece of sharp mettle – and faces off with the Custodian as he approaches.

Essence: Ruth battles the Custodian.

Conflict: Will Ruth will the fight?

Subtext: David and Goliath.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth kills the Custodian. We fear the Custodian will kill her.

20. INT. PLATFORM – SAME

Beginning: Ruth fights him off, jabbing at him with a piece of sharp metal, slicing him once. He slaps her down, mettle flying from her hand. The Custodian grabs the sharp mettle for himself and moves in for the kill.

Middle: The Rottweiler charges from nowhere and attacks, slamming into the Custodian. He stabs at the dog, wounding it, but trips over the bag of money. As he falls, his phone drops out from his pocket.

End: Ruth crawls to the edge and peers over. The Custodian lays dead in the smelting pot. The dog limps up to her and sits. She finds the Custodian’s phone.

Essence: Ruth loses the fight.

Conflict: The Rottweiler attacks the Custodian.

Subtext: Camila – her dog – helped Ruth escape after all.

Hope/Fear: We hope the Custodian is dead. We fear he is not.

====================

Scene Arc: From Ruth’s husband feigning concern to Ruth trapping him.

21. INT/EXT. STEEL MILL – NIGHT

Beginning: The police have arrived to conduct their investigation.

Middle: The derelict and the informer are zipped into body bags.

End: Ruth’s husband arrives feigning concern for Ruth.

Essence: The resolution of the crime.

Conflict: The husband demanding to see his wife.

Subtext: Ruth’s trying to save his own ass.

Hope/Fear: We hope he gets justice. We fear he going to escape.

INT/EXT. AMBULANCE – NIGHT

Beginning: An ambulance attendant tends to Ruth in the back of the ambulance. The Rottweiler sits at her side, bandaged.

Middle: Her husband joins Ruth in the ambulance and attempts to talk his way out of trouble. Ruth reveals the Custodian’s cell phone containing text messages. She pets her new dog and tilts her head at him the same way the Custodian tilted his head at her.

End: The ambulance doors slam shut. He’s trapped. The ambulance drives off.

Essence: Ruth gets even with her husband.

Conflict: Ruth shows her husband the Custodian’s phone.

Subtext: Ruth owns her husband/He’s trapped.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth gets revenge. We fear she’s going to kill him.

====================

Scene Arc: From police cleaning up the scene to the Custodian vanishing.

22. INT. STEEL MILL – NIGHT

Beginning: The police investigate the scene. The lead detective leads his captain through the scene.

Middle: They retrieve the girl’s body from the smelting pot. No-one can identify her. But then know she was of Bosa’s group. They order the rescue team to retrieve the Custodian’s body.

End: What body? The detectives race up to the platform and peer down. The Custodian has vanished. He wasn’t dead. He’s escaped. Vanished.

Essence: The Custodian isn’t dead.

Conflict: The Custodian has escaped.

Subtext: We never know his identity.

Hope/Fear: We hope he’s gone. We fear he will return.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Scene Requirements

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Find the essence of the scene early. Create the conflict between antagonist/protagonist. Understand the hope and fear of the characters. But most important, SUBTEXT is the key to every scene.

GENRE: Thriller

Protagonist: Ruth Griffin

Antagonist: The Custodian

Supporting Character: Camila

====================

Scene Arc: From Ruth reviving in the smelting pot to realizing she’s been kidnapped for ransom.

INT. SMELTING POT – NIGHT

Ruth Griffin revives in the bottom of a smelting pot in an abandoned steel mill and is soon surprised by her masked captor, the Custodian, standing on the platform above her.

Essence: Ruth has been kidnapped for ransom

Conflict: Will she escape?

Subtext: She is a woman of wealth/privilege

Hope/Fear: We hope she escapes. We fear she will be harmed.

INT: ROOM – NIGHT

The Custodian sends a proof of life photo of Ruth to her husband and demands ransom for her return.

Essence: The Custodian wants money for Ruth

Conflict: He blackmails the husband.

Subtext: He will kill Ruth if he doesn’t get his money.

Hope/Fear: We hope the husbands pays the money. We fear Ruth will be killed anyway.

====================

Scene Arc: From Ruth hearing a drug gang arrive to the gang leaving one of their own for dead.

INT. SMELTING POT – NIGHT

Ruth hears two cars drive into the mill but hesitates to call out, having been warned by her captor to remain silent for her own safety.

Essence: Ruth wants to be rescues, but she is wary of her rescuers.

Conflict: Will Ruth be discovered?

Subtext: She doesn’t know who has arrived.

Hope/Fear: We hope she will not be discovered. We fear she will be killed.

INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Cars roll into the mill. Engines turn off, lights stay on. A drug gang exits the cars with a hostage they intend to interrogate.

Essence: The hostage is an informer they intend to kill

Conflict: The gang leader tortures the informant

Subtext: The mill is not safe.

Hope/Fear: Hope the gang doesn’t find Ruth. We fear they will kill her.

INT. SMELING POT – SAME

Ruth tries to remain quiet while listening the man being tortured.

Essence: Ruth is desperate not to be discovered.

Conflict: Will she be discovered?

Subtext:

Hope/Fear: We hope she is not found. We fear she will be killed.

INT. STEEL MILL/SMELTING POT – SAME

The gang leader’s Rottweiler hears Ruth in the pot and bolts to find her. Camila, the girlfriend, chases after the dog and discovers Ruth.

Essence: Ruth is discovered by a gang member.

Conflict: Ruth begs Camila not to expose her.

Subtext: Ruth is witness to a murder.

Hope/Fear: We hope Camila doesn’t expose Ruth. We fear Camila will tell the others.

INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Camila rejoins the drug gang. The informer is killed, and the drug gang leaves.

Essence: Ruth is not discovered.

Conflict: Informer is murdered.

Subtext: Ruth learns why she must remain quiet.

Hope/Fear: We hope Camila helps Ruth. We fear for Ruth future safety.

INT: STEEL MILL – SAME

The Custodian is sitting in the dark, the tip of a lit cigar burning.

Essence: He allows the drug gang to frighten Ruth into obedience.

Conflict: His non-action scares Ruth.

Subtext: He lets others to his dirty work.

Hope/Fear: We hope he doesn’t kill Ruth. We fear he will kill Ruth.

====================

Scene Arc: From Ruth’s life being in danger to Custodian saving her life

INT. SMELTING POT – NIGHT

After Ruth kills a rattle snake that falls in with her, she is discovered by derelict who climbs down into the smelting pot to assault her. The Custodian saves her by killing the derelict, hanging him by his neck from the rafters above Ruth.

Essence: Ruth must fight for her own survival.

Conflict: Ruth is assaulted by the derelict/Custodian kills the derelict

Subtext: The Custodian needs to keep her alive until the ransom is paid.

Hope/Fear: We first hope the derelict will help Ruth. We fear that he will assault her.

====================

Scene Arc: From the Custodian contacting the husband to learning the husband is involved.

INT. ROOM – NIGHT

The Custodian contacts Ruth’s husband who tries to negotiate the ransom.

Essence: Ruth’s husband is conspiring with the Custodian to kill Ruth.

Conflict: The Custodian refused to concede.

Subtext: The husband cannot be trusted.

Hope/Fear: We hope the husband gets justice. We fear that he won’t.

====================

Scene Arc: From Camila returning to help to Ruth learning her husband is conspiring to kill her.

INT. STEEL MILL/SMELTING POT– NIGHT

Camila returns to help Ruth.

Essence: Camila is curious, nervous about helping Ruth.

Conflict: Ruth begs Camila to help her.

Subtext:

Hope/Fear: We hope Camila helps Ruth. We fear Camila will be killed.

INT. STEEL MILL/SMELTING POT– SAME

Camila is killed by the Custodian before she can help Ruth.

Essence: Camila is killed. Her body falls into the smelting pot.

Conflict: The Custodian kills Camila.

Subtext:

Hope/Fear:

INT. STEEL MILL/SMELTING POT– SAME

The Custodian calls Ruth’s husband and lets Ruth hear the call.

Essence: Ruth learns her husband is conspiring to have her killed.

Conflict: Ruth confronts her husband.

Subtext: Ruth is going to be killed.

Hope/Fear: We hope Camila helps Ruth escape. We fear Camila will be killed.

====================

Scene Arc: From the Custodian leaving to collect the ransom to Ruth climbing from the smelting pot.

INT. SMELTING POT – NIGHT

Ruth hears the Custodian leave on his motorcycle. She finds Camila’s car keys and devises her escape to climb from the pot.

Essence: Ruth escapes from the smelting pot.

Conflict: Ruth use Camila’s body and climb onto the derelict to escape.

Subtext: The Custodian has supplied her escape.

Hope/Fear: We hope she can climb out. We fear she will fall.

====================

Scene Arc: From Custodian finding Ruth gone to the Custodian being killed.

INT. STEEL MILL – NIGHT

The Custodian returns. Ruth must hide in the mill.

Essence: Ruth must evade the Custodian to escape.

Conflict: The Custodian must now kill Ruth.

Subtext: The Custodian realizes he allowed her to escape.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth will kill the Custodian. We fear the Custodian will kill Ruth.

INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Ruth makes for Camila’s car to escape, only to be denied by the Rottweiler in the back seat.

Essence: Ruth’s escape is foiled.

Conflict: Ruth must fight the Custodian.

Subtext: Ruth must confront her kidnapper.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth will kill the Custodian. We fear the Custodian will kill Ruth.

INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Ruth eludes the Rottweiler and is chased by the Custodian until she is trapped.

Essence: Ruth fights the Custodian.

Conflict: Will Ruth will the fight?

Subtext:

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth kills the Custodian. We fear the Custodian will kill her.

INT. STEEL MILL – SAME

Ruth loses the fight and is knocked down and about to die. The Rottweiler comes from nowhere and attacks the Custodian, knocking him off the platform into the smelting pot. Dead.

Essence: Ruth loses the fight.

Conflict: The Rottweiler attacks the Custodian.

Subtext: Camila helped Ruth escape after all.

Hope/Fear: We hope the Custodian is dead. We fear he is not.

====================

Scene Arc: From the police investigating to Ruth trapping her husband.

INT/EXT. STEEL MILL – NIGHT

The police arrive to rescue Ruth. Ruth’s husband shows up.

Essence: The police investigate the scene.

Conflict: Ruth’s husband demands to see his wife.

Subtext: Ruth’s husband is hiding his culpability.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth’s husband is arrested. We fear he won’t be.

INT. AMBULANCE – NIGHT

Ruth sits in the back of the ambulance recovering. The Rottweiler is at her side. Her husband joins her. The doors are closed.

Essence: Ruth gets even with her husband.

Conflict: Ruth shows her husband the Custodian’s phone.

Subtext: Ruth owns her husband/He’s trapped.

Hope/Fear: We hope Ruth gets revenge. We fear she’s going to kill him.

====================

Scene Arc: From police inquiring about the victims to the Custodian vanishing.

INT. STEEL MILL – NIGHT

The police are cleaning up the scene. Taking out the bodies. But the Custodian’s body has vanished from the smelting pot.

Essence: The Custodian isn’t dead.

Conflict: The Custodian has escaped.

Subtext: We never know his identity.

Hope/Fear: We hope he’s gone. We fear he will return.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Intriguing Moments

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I learned I needed to increase the intrigue in the third and fourth acts of my script. The second half of my script was more action that needed to be elevated emotionally.

GENRE: Thriller

Protagonist: Ruth Griffin

Antagonist: The Custodian

ACT 1

Intrigue: Ruth has been kidnapped for ransom by a masked serial kidnapper named the Custodian

Scheme: The Custodian is blackmailing her husband for the ransom.

Hidden Identity: The Custodian never reveals his identity.

Mystery: Why does the Custodian use an abandoned steel mill to hold Ruth hostage?

Mystery: Why does he tell her to be silent, that she’s not alone? Who else is there?

ACT 2

Superior Position/Conspiracy: Ruth’s husband is involved in the kidnapping.

Intrigue: Why does he want her dead?

Scheme: The husband tries to renegotiate the deal. Can only get half the money.

Mystery: Ruth was having an affair, compromising her husband’s political career.

ACT 3

Intrigue: Hearing the Custodian leave to collect the ransom; Ruth executes a plan to escape.

Scheme: The Custodian discovers Ruth has escaped and decides to kill her himself.

Intrigue: Having found the keys to a car, Ruth sneaks through the mill to steal the car and escape.

Intrigue: Being hunted by the Custodian, will Ruth be able to evade and escape death?

ACT 4

Superior Position: After Ruth kills the Custodian, she conceals his phone and keeps it for herself.

Scheme: When her husband arrives at the scene, Ruth shows him the phone, revealing that she knows about his conspiracy to kidnap her.

Intrigue: The Custodian isn’t dead. He vanishes.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Reveals

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

This assignment helped me plot the emotional levels through the script, creating a betrayal that I hadn’t considered. I learn more about my characters with each assignment.

GENRE: Thriller

ACT 1

Distress: Ruth awakens in the bottom of a smelting pot from which there is no escape, captive to a serial kidnapper, The Custodian, and soon realizes she’s been kidnapped for ransom.

Surprise: Ruth hears two cars enter the mill and hopes for rescue.

Emotional Dilemma: When a drug gang arrives to murder one of their own, Ruth remains silent but is discovered by Camila, one of the members. Ruth begs not to be revealed fearing for her life.

Sacrifice: Ruth gives up her escape to save her life.

Courage: She screams at her kidnapper, venting her rage at him, defiant at his instructions to remain silent, eventually breaking down in tears.

ACT 2

Courage: Ruth kills a rattle snake that falls into the pot.

Courage: The sound of her snake fight attracts a derelict to the pot. When he climbs in to assault her, she fights him off until he’s roped, strangled, and hanged by the Custodian.

Bonding: Ruth thanks her kidnapper for saving her.

Courage: Then she screams at him for putting her life in jeopardy in the first place.

Surprise: The Custodian contacts Ruth’s congressman husband. He tries to renegotiate the ransom, revealing he’s conspired to kidnap and kill her.

Bonding: Camila returns to the steel mill curious about Ruth and decides to help her.

Distress: Camila is stabbed by the Custodian and dropped into the pot. Ruth tries to save Camila from dying but cannot.

Betrayal: Ruth learns that her husband conspired to have her kidnapped and killed.

Hidden Weakness: The Custodian drops Ruth her wedding ring, which she hadn’t missed. When the Custodian wags his finger at her, Ruth understands the reason her husband wants her killed: she was having an affair.

ACT 3

Morale Dilemma: To escape the smelting pot, Ruth must use Camila’s body as a step stool to help her reach the edge of the pot.

Success: Ruth reaches the lip of the pot and climbs onto the derelict’s hanging body to swing onto the platform.

Distress: The Custodian returns to the mill with the ransom money, forcing Ruth to hide.

Success: She makes her way to Camila’s car to escape.

Distress: Camila’s Rottweiler is guarding the car. It breaks from the car and chases Ruth into the mill.

ACT 4

Courage: Ruth is hunted through the mill by the Custodian until he traps her on the platform over the smelting pot. She fights for her life, but when she is knocked to the ground, the Rottweiler charges from no-where and launches into the Custodian, knocking him into the smelting pot, dead.

Bonding: In the back of the ambulance, waiting to be taken to hospital, Ruth waits for her husband to arrive with her new dog, the Rottweiler, at her side.

Success/Winning: Feigning distress, Ruth’s husband joins her in the ambulance. Ruth reveals she has the Custodian’s phone with the text messages between them. The doors are closed. Her husband is trapped. She’s now in control.

Surprise: When the police retrieve the Custodian’s body from the smelting pot, he’s gone. Vanished.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Reveals

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Determining my setups forced me reconstruct my beat sheet, holding back information from my characters and the audience to heighten the intensity of the reveals.

GENRE: Thriller

Protagonist: Ruth Griffin

Antagonist: The Custodian

Supporting Character: Camila – Drug dealer’s girl friend

Key: AJ = Antagonist Journey; PJ = Protagonist Journey; SCJ = Supporting Character Journey

ACT 1: Ruth is kidnapped

SETUP 1 – Ruth PJ: Ruth revives in the bottom of a smelting pot trapped. She explores the pot to fathom her situation, searching for a way to climb out. There isn’t one.

Ruth PJ: Above her, a full moon peeks through the remnants of a rotting ceiling. She calls to someone for help, but only hears her echo. She yells louder, and frustrated, collapses, believing she is alone.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian reveals his presence. Ruth looks up to find him standing on the platform above her. For a long moment, he stands staring at here, saying nothing.

Ruth PJ: Ruth’s defiant. Frightened, Ruth screams at her captor demanding answers. She stresses her importance as a congressman’s wife.

INCITING INCIDENT: Proof of life.

REVEAL 1 – Ruth PJ: The Custodian drops her a newspaper for a proof of life photo and instructs her to hold how to hold it under her face. He uses a camera from his overalls to take the picture. Gives her thumbs up.

Deeper Layer: Ruth realizes she’s being held for ransom.

Ruth PJ: Ruth tries to bribe her way out. He listens but rejects the offer.

Custodian AJ 2: The custodian instructs her to be silent. He points to sign painted to the inside of the pot: “Shh! Be quiet. You’re not alone.”.

Ruth PJ: Defiant, Ruth screams for help until emotionally exhausted.

SETUP 2 – Custodian AJ: He listens to the last echo fade, then holds a finger to his lips “Shh.”

Ruth PJ: She nods, agreeing, too exhausted to fight. When she glances back, he’s vanished into the mill.

Ruth PJ: She spreads the newspaper like a blanket and leans against the side of the pot. She begins to cry. Her soft cries echo from the pot through the mill.

Deeper Layer: The Custodian is warning Ruth that she’s in danger and to keep quiet.

Ruth PJ: Resting, she wakes up to hear two cars roll into the mill.

Ruth PJ: Excited at first, Ruth remembers the sign warning her to keep quiet. She hesitates.

Camila SCJ: Gang members exit the cars. Camila and her boyfriend, Bosa, climb from the cars with Bosa’s henchmen. They drag another man from the back seat, badly beaten. He’s an informer.

Camila SCJ: Camila, holding Bosa’s pet Rottweiler, is forced to watch as Bosa and his men torture the informer to learn who he’s been talking to. Camila winces at the brutality, not wanting to look.

REVEAL 2 – Ruth PJ: Ruth, listening, realizes it’s a street gang come to kill one of their own. She’s in danger. She hears the man tortured, screaming in agony. Her breathing becomes panicked.

Ruth PJ: Ruth’s breathing echoes to the Rottweiler’s ear, and the dog breaks from Camila’s grasp and charges off to find the source of the breathing.

Camila SCJ: Camila chases the dog to the platform overlooking the smelting pot and finds Ruth.

Ruth PJ: Discovered, fearing for her life, Ruth begs Camila not to expose her to the others.

Camila SCJ: When asked what she sees, Camila, having watched the informant tortured, says nothing. She rejoins Bosa the gang.

Ruth PJ: Ruth hears Bosa kill the informant, and the drug gang climb into their cars to leave.

Camila SCJ: Camila looks to the smelting pot wondering about Ruth. She puts the dog in the car, joins her boyfriend, and the cars drive out, leaving the informant’s body.

Ruth PJ: Ruth collapses, horribly distraught.

Custodian AJ: He been watching from the shadows smoking a cigar, armed with a .45 automatic, looking after Ruth. He appears above her again to emphasize quiet.

Turning Point 1: Ruth agrees, understanding the danger surrounding her.

Deeper Layer: The Custodian is keeping her alive. Why?

ACT 2: Ruth learns to survive.

SETUP 3 – Custodian AJ: The Custodian texts Ruth’s husband the proof of life photo demanding a $2M ransom. Ruth’s husband agrees to pay, he has the money, but he needs time, etc. Typical police stalling tactics.

Ruth PJ: A rattle snake, pursuing a rat, falls into the smelting pot. Ruth rolls-up the newspaper and uses her shoe to swat at the snake. When the snake strikes the newspaper, its fangs get stuck. Ruth grabs the tail and swings, slamming the snake into the side for the pit until it’s dead.

Ruth PJ: When Ruth flings the snake out of the pot, it sails past a grimy-looking derelict standing on the platform watching her. Realizing this moment is an opportunity to escape, Ruth begs him for help, first warning him about the Custodian.

Derelict SCJ: He keeps asking questions, none too concerned about the Custodian, who doesn’t seem to be present. He calls out proving they’re alone. He seemingly decides to help and locates and lowers an old ladder down to her.

Ruth PJ: Ruth is shocked when he climbs down, intending to assault her. Ruth fights him off, but he knocks her down. Injured, on the ground, she backs away until she is pinned against the pot.

Custodian AJ: He appears from nowhere and ropes the derelict around the neck. He yanks hard and pins the derelict against the inside of the pot, strangling him. He loops the rope over a high pully and heaves. Inch by inch, the derelict is lifted off his feet until his struggling stops.

Derelict SCJ: He is left hanging by the neck above the pot.

Ruth PJ: Reluctantly, Ruth thanks the Custodian for saving her. Then blames him for her being there!

Custodian AJ: He vanishes again. He drops a blanket and a bottle of water drop into the smelting pot.

Deeper Level: The Custodian must keep her alive until paid, then she can be left to die.

Ruth PJ: Ruth, curled up in the blanket, softly sings a Bible hymn. It echoes through the mill.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian hears the singing and listens and, for a moment, has second thoughts. Then he’s contacted by Ruth’s husband. He wants to renegotiate the deal. The insurance company is causing problems. But the Custodian knows it’s a lie.

REVEAL 3 – Custodian AJ: Ruth’s husband has conspired with the Custodian to kidnap and kill Ruth for the $2M insurance money.

Deeper Level: The Custodian cannot trust Ruth’s husband to honor the deal.

Ruth PJ: Nearly asleep, Ruth awakes up at the sound of another car entering the mill. She tries to hide, plastering herself against the wall of the pot, until she realizes, Camila has returned. She warns Camila about the Custodian

Camila SCJ: Camila has returned out of curiosity, but the derelict is hanging in the rafters frightens her, and she tries to flee.

Ruth PJ: Ruth begs Camila for help, convincing her to drop her cell phone for Ruth to call the police. Before Ruth can use the phone —

Custodian AJ: The Custodian kills Camila and drops her body into the smelting pot.

Ruth PJ: Ruth wraps Camila in the blanket, trying to keep her from dying. Camila succumbs to her wounds. Ruth crumbles emotionally, apologizing to Camila for killing her.

Camila SCJ: Camila is dead.

SETUP 4 – Custodian AJ: The Custodian demands Camila’s phone, which Ruth throws at him in a rage. He breaks it. Then uses his own phone to make a call. He holds it up for Ruth to hear her husband answer the call.

REVEAL 4 – Ruth PJ: Ruth realizes her husband is involved in her kidnapping when he answers the call, instantly enraged that the Custodian called him, revealing his involvement in the kidnapping. She screams at him, and he hangs ups.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian walks away. He sends a text to Ruth’s husband demanding full payment, threatening to release Ruth. The husband agrees to the $2M, but Ruth must die. Money first.

Deeper Level: Ruth knows she’s going to be killed.

MIDPOINT: Ruth’s escape plan

Custodian AJ: The Custodian climbs into his car and leaves to collect the ransom.

Ruth PJ: Hearing the Custodian leave, Ruth decides she must find a way to escape.

SETUP 5 – Ruth PJ: She finds Camila’s car keys and realizes Camila’s car is parked in the mill.

Ruth PJ: She sits Camila’s body against the side of the pot and uses her as a step stool to reach the edge. But she can’t quiet reach.

Ruth PJ: She removes her shoe and tries to hook the heel over the edge. But the heel snaps off, and she falls hard into the pot. Bruises and battered, she tries again, hooking her other shoe to lift her enough to grab the edge with her free hand. She pulls herself up and straddles the edge, but she can’t reach the platform.

Ruth PJ: She slides down the edge where she can reach the hanged derelict and climbs onto his body. She swings herself over to the platform and, landing hard, she lays there, exhausted from the effort. She notices that she broke and nail and begins to laugh until she cries.

Ruth PJ: She hears the Custodian’s car return and flees, barefoot, into the shadows of the mill.

Custodian AJ: Finds Ruth has escaped. He examines how she escaped.

Deeper Level: He supplied the means of her escape.

Custodian AJ: He drops the duffle back of ransom money on the platform, scans the mill. He knows she’s hiding somewhere. He draws his knife and backs into the shadows, searching for Ruth.

Deeper Layer: He must kill Ruth to prevent the conspiracy with her husband from being revealed.

Ruth PJ: She winds her way through the mill to Camila’s car. She sees the Custodian meld into the dark and makes her way around the mill in her bare feet.

REVEAL 5 – Ruth PJ: From the shadows, she creeps out into the moonlight to the car. Trying the door handle, the Rottweiler lunges at Ruth from behind the driver window, knocking her back. She can’t use the car.

Custodian AJ: Hearing the dog bark, the Custodian emerges and chases after Ruth.

CLIMAX: Ruth fights for her life

Ruth PJ: Ruth flees into the mill. The dog noses the door open and breaks from the car, chasing after her. Ruth runs up a ladder, the dog in pursuit. She grabs and pipe and swings, striking the dog.

SETUP 6 – The dog yelps and limps away.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian is coming up the ladder.

Ruth PJ: Ruth ducks into the shadows again, waiting with the pipe in ambush. She strikes, knocking the Custodian down. But when she swings to finish him off, he grabs the pipe and yanks it from her.

Ruth PJ: Ruth runs off. Crossing the catwalk, her bare foot digs into something sharp, and she falls, crying out.

Custodian AJ: Wounded, the Custodian climbs to his feet and gives chase.

Ruth PJ: Ruth limps to her feet, running as a fast as she can. When she realizes she cannot escape, she decides to fight or die.

Ruth PJ: Cornered on the platform above the smelting pot, Ruth fights him off, jabbing at him with a piece of sharp metal, slicing him once. He slaps her down and readies his knife.

REVEAL 6 – Custodian AJ: The Rottweiler charges from nowhere, slamming into the Custodian. He stabs at the dog, wounding it, but trips over the ransom money and falls from the platform. He lands headfirst in the smelting pot.

SETUP 7 – Ruth PJ: Ruth peers over the edge at the Custodian laying on his back.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian is dead.

Ruth PJ: Ruth has survived. She finds the Custodian’s cell phone in the bag of money and calls police.

RESOLUTION: Ruth gets her revenge

SETUP 8 – Ruth PJ: Ruth sits in the back of the ambulance, waiting to be taken to the hospital. The Rottweiler sits next to her bandaged. It’s her dog now.

REVEAL 8 – Ruth PJ: Ruth’s husband arrives feigning concern. When he joins her in the ambulance, Ruth reveals the Custodian’s cell phone containing text messages to her husband. She smiles sadistically and pets her new dog.

Deeper Level: Ruth is now in charge.

Custodian AJ: The police investigate. They retrieve the girl’s body from the smelting pot and lower the derelicts body from the rafters. But when the rescue team is ordered to retrieve the Custodian body, he’s vanished from the smelting pot.

REVEAL 7 – Custodian AJ: The Custodian has escaped.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Character Action Tracks

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Creating character action allowed me to express their motivations before I considered writing one line of dialogue. Their actions will make it easier to write their verbal conflict.

GENRE: Thriller

Protagonist: Ruth Griffin

Core traits:

· Artful

· Submissive

· Defiant

· Proud/Privileged

Antagonist: The Custodian

Core traits:

· Greedy

· Violent

· Intelligent

· No guilt/remorse

Supporting Character: Camila – Drug dealer’s girl friend

· Main Purpose: Finds Ruth in the smelting pot and returns to the steel mill to help her

· Value: She provides Ruth with an unorthodox way to escape the smelting pot

Key: AJ = Antagonist Journey; PJ = Protagonist Journey; SCJ = Supporting Character Journey

ACT 1: Ruth is kidnapped

Ruth PJ: Ruth revives in the bottom of a smelting pot trapped. She explores the pot to fathom her situation, searching for a way to climb out. There isn’t one.

Ruth PJ: Above her, a full moon peeks through the remnants of a rotting ceiling. She calls to someone for help, but only hears her echo. She yells louder, and frustrated, collapses, believing she is alone.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian reveals his presence. Ruth looks up to find him standing on the platform above her. For a long moment, he stands staring at here, saying nothing.

Ruth PJ: Ruth’s defiant. Frightened, Ruth screams at her captor demanding answers. She stresses her importance as a congressman’s wife.

Inciting Incident: Proof of life.

Ruth PJ: The Custodian drops her a newspaper for a proof of life photo and instructs her to hold how to hold it under her face. He uses a camera from his overalls to take the picture. Gives her thumbs up.

Deeper Layer: Ruth realizes she’s being held for ransom.

Ruth PJ: Ruth tries to bribe her way out. He listens but rejects the offer.

Custodian AJ 2: The custodian instructs her to be silent. He points to sign painted to the inside of the pot: “Shh! Be quiet. You’re not alone.”.

Ruth PJ: Defiant, Ruth screams for help until emotionally exhausted.

Custodian AJ: He listens to the last echo fade, then holds a finger to his lips “Shh.”

Ruth PJ: She nods, agreeing, too exhausted to fight. When she glances back, he’s vanished into the mill.

Ruth PJ: She spreads the newspaper like a blanket and leans against the side of the pot. She begins to cry. Her soft cries echo from the pot through the mill.

Deeper Layer: The Custodian is warning Ruth that she’s in danger and to keep quiet.

Ruth PJ: Resting, she wakes up to hear two cars roll into the mill.

Ruth PJ: Excited at first, Ruth remembers the sign warning her to keep quiet. She hesitates.

Camila SCJ: Gang members exit the cars. Camila and her boyfriend, Bosa, climb from the cars with Bosa’s henchmen. They drag another man from the back seat, badly beaten. He’s an informer.

Camila SCJ: Camila, holding Bosa’s pet Rottweiler, is forced to watch as Bosa and his men torture the informer to learn who he’s been talking to. Camila winces at the brutality, not wanting to look.

Ruth PJ: Ruth, listening, realizes it’s a street gang come to kill one of their own. She’s in danger. She hears the man tortured, screaming in agony. Her breathing becomes panicked.

Ruth PJ: Ruth’s breathing echoes to the Rottweiler’s ear, and the dog breaks from Camila’s grasp and charges off to find the source of the breathing.

Camila SCJ: Camila chases the dog to the platform overlooking the smelting pot and finds Ruth.

Ruth PJ: Discovered, fearing for her life, Ruth begs Camila not to expose her to the others.

Camila SCJ: When asked what she sees, Camila, having watched the informant tortured, says nothing. She rejoins Bosa the gang.

Ruth PJ: Ruth hears Bosa kill the informant, and the drug gang climb into their cars to leave.

Camila SCJ: Camila looks to the smelting pot wondering about Ruth. She puts the dog in the car, joins her boyfriend, and the cars drive out, leaving the informant’s body.

Ruth PJ: Ruth collapses, horribly distraught.

Custodian AJ: He been watching from the shadows smoking a cigar, armed with a .45 automatic, looking after Ruth. He appears above her again to emphasize quiet.

Turning Point 1: Ruth agrees, understanding the danger surrounding her.

Deeper Layer: The Custodian is keeping her alive. Why?

Act 2: Ruth learns to survive.

Custodian AJ: He contacts the husband by text regarding the ransom. But it’s not the normal ransom demand. The husband is involved in the conspiracy to kidnap Ruth.

Deeper Level: Ruth’s husband wants her dead, but he cannot be trusted.

Ruth PJ: A rattle snake, pursuing a rat, falls into the smelting pot. Ruth rolls-up the newspaper and uses her shoe to swat at the snake. When the snake strikes the newspaper, its fangs get stuck. Ruth grabs the tail and swings, slamming the snake into the side for the pit until it’s dead.

Ruth PJ: When Ruth flings the snake out of the pot, it sails past a grimy-looking derelict standing on the platform watching her. Realizing this moment is an opportunity to escape, Ruth begs him for help, first warning him about the Custodian.

Derelict SCJ: He keeps asking questions, none too concerned about the Custodian, who doesn’t seem to be present. He calls out proving they’re alone. He seemingly decides to help and locates and lowers an old ladder down to her.

Ruth PJ: Ruth is shocked when he climbs down, intending to assault her. Ruth fights him off, but he knocks her down. Injured, on the ground, she backs away until she is pinned against the pot.

Custodian AJ: He appears from nowhere and ropes the derelict around the neck. He yanks hard and pins the derelict against the inside of the pot, strangling him. He loops the rope over a high pully and heaves. Inch by inch, the derelict is lifted off his feet until his struggling stops.

Derelict SCJ: He is left hanging by the neck above the pot.

Ruth PJ: Reluctantly, Ruth thanks the Custodian for saving her. The blames him for her being there!

Custodian AJ: He vanishes again. He drops a blanket and a bottle of water drop into the smelting pot.

Deeper Level: The Custodian must keep her alive until paid, then she can be left to die.

Ruth PJ: Ruth, curled up in the blanket, softly sings a Bible hymn. It echoes through the mill.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian hears the singing and listens. For a moment, he has second thoughts. Then he’s contacted by Ruth’s husband. He wants to renegotiate the deal. The insurance company is causing problems. But the Custodian knows it’s a lie.

Ruth PJ: Nearly asleep, Ruth awakes up at the sound of another car entering the mill. She tries to hide, plastering herself against the wall of the pot, until she realizes, Camila has returned. She warns Camila about the Custodian

Camila SCJ: Camila has returned out of curiosity, but the derelict is hanging in the rafters frightens her, and she tries to flee.

Ruth PJ: Ruth begs Camila for help, convincing her to drop her cell phone for Ruth to call the police. Before Ruth can use the phone —

Custodian AJ: The Custodian kills Camila and drops her body into the smelting pot.

Ruth PJ: Ruth wraps Camila in the blanket, trying to keep her from dying. Camila succumbs to her wounds. Ruth crumbles emotionally, apologizing to Camila for killing her.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian demands Camila’s phone, which Ruth throws at him in a rage. He breaks it. Then uses his own phone to make a call. He holds it up for Ruth to hear her husband answer the call.

Ruth PJ: Ruth realizes her husband is involved in her kidnapping when he answers the call, instantly enraged that the Custodian called him, revealing his involvement in the kidnapping. She screams at him, and he hangs ups.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian walks away. He sends a text to Ruth’s husband demanding full payment, threatening to release Ruth. The husband agrees to the $2M, but Ruth must die. Money first.

Deeper Level: Ruth knows she’s going to be killed.

Midpoint: Ruth’s escape plan

Ruth PJ: Hearing the Custodian leave, Ruth decides she must find a way to escape. She formulates her plan, realizing Camila’s car is parked in the mill. She finds Camila’s car keys in her pocket.

Ruth PJ: She sits Camila’s body against the side of the pot and uses her as a step stool to reach the edge. But she can’t quiet reach.

Ruth PJ: She removes her shoe and tries to hook the heel over the edge. But the heel snaps off, and she falls hard into the pot. Bruises and battered, she tries again, hooking her other shoe to lift her enough to grab the edge with her free hand. She pulls herself up and straddles the edge, but she can’t reach the platform.

Ruth PJ: She slides down the edge where she can reach the hanged derelict and climbs onto his body. She swings herself over to the platform and, landing hard, she lays there, exhausted from the effort. She notices that she broke and nail and begins to laugh until she cries.

Ruth PJ: She hears the Custodian’s car return and flees, barefoot, into the shadows of the mill.

Custodian AJ: Finds Ruth has escaped. He examines how she escaped.

Deeper Level: He supplied the means of her escape.

Custodian AJ: He drops the duffle back of ransom money on the platform, scans the mill. He knows she’s hiding somewhere. He draws his knife and backs into the shadows, searching for Ruth.

Deeper Layer: He must kill Ruth to prevent the conspiracy with her husband from being revealed.

Ruth PJ: She winds her way through the mill to Camila’s car. She sees the Custodian meld into the dark and makes her way around the mill in her bare feet.

Climax: Ruth fights for her freedom

Ruth PJ: From the shadows, she creeps out into the moonlight to the car. Trying the door handle, the Rottweiler lunges at Ruth from behind the driver window, revealing her location.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian emerges and chases after Ruth.

Ruth PJ: She flees into the mill. The dog breaks from the car, nosing the door open, and chases after her. Ruth runs up a ladder, the dog in pursuit. She grabs and pipe and swings, striking the dog. He yelps and limps away.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian is coming up the ladder.

Ruth PJ: Ruth ducks into the shadows again, waiting with the pipe in ambush. She strikes, knocking the Custodian down. But when she swings to finish him off, he grabs the pipe and yanks it from her.

Ruth PJ: Ruth runs off. Crossing the catwalk, her bare foot digs into something sharp, and she falls, crying out.

Custodian AJ: Wounded, the Custodian climbs to his feet and gives chase.

Ruth PJ: Ruth limps to her feet, running as a fast as she can. When she realizes she cannot escape, she decides to fight or die.

Ruth PJ: Cornered on the platform above the smelting pot, Ruth fights him off, jabbing at him with a piece of sharp metal, slicing him once. He slaps her down and readies his knife.

Custodian AJ: The Rottweiler charges from nowhere, slamming into the Custodian. He stabs at the dog, wounding it, but trips over the ransom money and falls from the platform. He lands headfirst in the smelting pot.

Ruth PJ: Ruth peers over the edge at the Custodian laying on his back.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian is dead.

Ruth PJ: Ruth has survived. She finds the Custodian’s cell phone in the bag of money and calls police.

Resolution: Ruth gets her revenge

Ruth PJ: Ruth sits in the back of the ambulance, waiting to be taken to the hospital. The Rottweiler sits next to her bandaged. It’s her dog now.

Ruth PJ: Ruth’s husband arrives feigning concern. When he joins her in the ambulance, Ruth reveals the Custodian’s cell phone containing text messages to her husband. She smiles sadistically and pets her new dog.

Deeper Level: Ruth is now in charge.

Custodian AJ: The police investigate. They retrieve the girl’s body from the smelting pot and lower the derelicts body from the rafters. But when the rescue team is ordered to retrieve the Custodian body, he’s vanished from the smelting pot.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian has escaped.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s New Outline Beats

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I’m glad I had several days to complete this outline. I had more ideas than I originally thought. I know there will be more as this outline is perfected. I also learned more about my characters’ journeys as I conceptualized their battle.

GENRE: Thriller

Protagonist: Ruth Griffin

Antagonist: The Custodian

ACT 1: Ruth is kidnapped

Ruth PJ: Ruth revives in the bottom of a smelting pot trapped. She explores the pot to fathom her situation, searching for a way to climb out. There isn’t one.

Ruth PJ: Above her, a full moon peeks through the remnants of a rotting ceiling. She calls to someone for help, but only hears her echo. She yells louder, and frustrated, collapses, believing is alone.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian reveals his presence. Ruth looks up to find him standing on the platform above her. For a long moment, he stands staring at here, saying nothing.

Ruth PJ: Ruth’s defiant. Frightened, Ruth screams at her captor demanding answers. She stresses her importance as a congressman’s wife.

Inciting Incident: Proof of life.

Ruth PJ: The Custodian drops her a newspaper for a proof of life photo and instructs her to hold how to hold it under her face. He uses a camera from his overalls to take the picture. Gives her thumbs up.

Deeper Layer: Ruth realizes she’s being held for ransom.

Ruth PJ: Ruth tries to bribe her way out. He listens but rejects the offer.

Custodian AJ: The custodian instructs her to be silent. He points to sign painted to the inside of the pot: “Shh! Be quiet. You’re not alone.”.

Ruth PJ: Defiant, Ruth screams for help until emotionally exhausted. He listens to the last echo fade, then holds a finger to his lips “Shh.” She nods, agreeing, too exhausted to fight, and then he vanishes into the mill.

Ruth PJ: She spreads the newspaper like a blanket and leans against the side of the pot. She begins to cry. Her soft cries echo from the pot through the mill.

Deeper Layer: He’s warning her that she’s in real danger and to keep quiet.

Ruth PJ: Resting, she wakes up to hear cars enter the mill. Two cars roll in slowly keeping their headlights on.

Ruth PJ: Excited at first, Ruth remembers the sign warning her to keep quiet. She hesitates. Gang members exit the cars. The leader, his young girlfriend, hench men and an informer. Two men drag from the back seat, badly beaten. They drop him to his knees in the light from the headlights, and the leader begins to question him. He’s an informer, and they want to know who he’s been talking to.

Ruth PJ: Ruth, listening, realizes it’s a street gang come to kill one of their own. She’s in danger. She hears the man tortured, screaming in agony. Her breathing becomes panicked.

Ruth PJ: Ruth’s echoed breathing catches the ear of the gang’s rottweiler, and the dog breaks from the young girlfriend’s grasp and runs to find the source of the breathing. The young girl chases the rottweiler to the platform overlooking the smelting pot and finds Ruth.

Turning Point 1: Discovered and fearing for her life, Ruth begs the girl not to expose her to the others. When asked what she sees, the girl says nothing. She’s ordered to rejoin the gang.

Ruth PJ: Ruth hears the man killed, and the gang members climb into their cars to leave. The young girl looks to the smelting pot wondering about Ruth. She puts the dog in the car, joins her boyfriend, and the gang members leave.

Ruth PJ: Ruth is left in the smelting pot, horribly distraught, but quiet.

Custodian AJ: He watches over Ruth. He sits in the shadows smoking a cigar, watching, armed if needed to protect Ruth. He appears again and emphasizes for Ruth to be quiet.

Ruth PJ: She agrees, understanding the danger surrounding her.

Deeper Layer: The Custodian is keeping her alive. Why?

Act 2: Ruth learns to survive.

Custodian AJ: He contacts the husband by text regarding the ransom. But it’s not the normal ransom demand. They’re involved in a conspiracy to kidnap Ruth.

Custodian AJ: The husband negotiates the deal. The insurance company will pay $1M for the kidnapping. The insurance will pay the additional $1M when Ruth is dead. The Custodian will receive $1M for the kidnapping and full payment after the deed is done.

Deeper Level: Ruth’s husband wants her dead, but he cannot be trusted.

Ruth PJ: A rat scurries across the platform and is struck by a rattle snake. The rat limps off to die near the edge of the platform. When the snake tires to consume the rat, they both fall into the smelting pot with Ruth.

Ruth PJ: Ruth battles a rattle snake.

Ruth PJ: Ruth rolls-up the newspaper and uses her shoe to swat at the snake. When the snake strikes the newspaper, its fangs get stuck. Ruth grabs the tail and swings, slamming the snake into the side for the pit until it’s dead.

Ruth PJ: When Ruth flings the snake out of the pot, it sails past a grimy-looking derelict standing on the platform watching her. Ruth begs him for help, first warning him about the Custodian.

He keeps asking questions (how she got there?), none too concerned about the Custodian, who isn’t present. He calls out proving they’re alone.

Ruth PJ: Ruth asks him to help her escape the pot, and the derelict looks around and finds a rusted ladder. He lowers the ladder into the pot. Ruth is shocked when he climbs down, intending to assault her.

Ruth PJ: Ruth fights him off, beating the crap out of him, but he knocks her down. Injured, on the ground the backs away until she is pinned against the pot. She then sees the ladder pulled up.

Custodian AJ: He appears from nowhere and ropes the derelict around the neck.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian yanks hard and pins the derelict against the inside of the pot, strangling him. He loops the rope over a high pully and heaves. Inch by inch, the derelict is lifted off his feet until his struggling stops and he hangs above the pot dead.

Ruth PJ: Very reluctantly, Ruth thanks the Custodian for saving her.

Custodian AJ: He vanishes again, and out of nowhere, a blanket and a bottle of water drop into the smelting pot.

Deeper Level: The Custodian must keep her alive until paid, then she can be left to die.

Ruth PJ: Ruth, covered by the blanket, trying to rest, softly sings a Bible hymn. It echoes through the mill.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian hears the singing and listens. For a moment, he has second thoughts. Then he’s contacted by Ruth’s husband again.

Custodian AJ: Her husband wants to renegotiate their deal. The insurance company is causing problems. But the Custodian knows it’s a lie.

Ruth PJ: Nearly asleep, Ruth awakes up at the sound of another car entering the mill. She tries to hide, plastering herself against the wall of the pot, until she realizes, it’s the young girl from the drug gang.

Ruth PJ: Ruth warns her about the Custodian, which the girl heads, given the derelict is hanging just off the platform. The girl was curious, that’s why she came back, but now is too nervous to help and want to leave.

Ruth PJ: Ruth begs the woman for help, convincing her to drop her cell phone to Ruth to call the police. Before Ruth can use the phone —

Custodian AJ: The Custodian kills the young woman and drops her body into the smelting pot with Ruth. Then demands the phone, which Ruth throws at him. He breaks it.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian uses his own phone to make a call. He calls Ruth’s husband and holds it up for Ruth to hear the call.

Midpoint: Ruth’s escape plan

Ruth PJ: Ruth realizes her husband is involved in her kidnapping when he answers the call, instantly enraged that the Custodian called him, revealing his involvement in the kidnapping. She screams at him, and he hangs ups.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian walks away. He sends a text to Ruth’s husband demanding full payment, threatening to release Ruth. The husband agrees to the $2M, but Ruth must die. Money first.

Deeper Level: Ruth knows she’s going to be killed.

Ruth PJ: Hearing the Custodian leave, Ruth decides she must escape.

Ruth PJ: She finds girl’s car keys in a pocket. She then pushes the girl’s body against the pot to use as a step stool to reach the edge. But she can’t quiet reach.

Ruth PJ: She removes her shoe and tries to hook the heel over the edge, but when the heel snaps off, she falls hard into the pot. Bruises and battered, she tries again, hooking her other shoe to lift her enough to grab the edge with her free hand. She pulls herself up and straddles the edge, but she can’t reach the platform.

Ruth PJ: She slides down the edge where she can reach the hanged derelict and climbs onto his body. She swings herself over to the platform and, landing hard, she lays there, exhausted from the effort.

Ruth PJ: She hears the Custodian’s car return and flees, barefoot, into the shadows of the mill.

Custodian AJ 8: Finds Ruth has escaped.

Custodian AJ: He examines how she escaped and scans the mill for Ruth. He knows she’s hiding somewhere.

Deeper Level: He supplied the means of her escape.

Custodian AJ: He drops the duffle back of ransom money on the platform, draws his knife and backs into the shadows, scanning for Ruth.

Custodian AJ: He must kill Ruth to prevent the conspiracy with her husband from being revealed.

Ruth PJ: She must find her way to get to the girl’s car. Hiding in the mill, she sees the Custodian meld into the dark. She makes her way around the mill in her bare feet.

Climax: Ruth fights for her freedom

Ruth PJ: From the shadows, she creeps out into the moonlight to the car. Trying the door handle, the girl’s rottweiler lunges at Ruth from behind the driver window, revealing her location.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian emerges, and Ruth flees into the mill.

Ruth PJ: The dog breaks from the car, nosing the door open, and chases after Ruth. She runs up a ladder, the dog in pursuit. She grabs and pipe and swings, striking the dog. He whines and limps away.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian is coming up the ladder.

Ruth PJ: Ruth ducks into the shadows again, waiting with the pipe in ambush. When the Custodian comes closer, Ruth strikes, knocking him down. But when she swings to finish him off, he grabs the pipe and yanks it from her.

Ruth PJ: Ruth runs off, crossing the catwalk. Her bare foot digs into something sharp, and she falls, crying out.

Custodian AJ: Wounded, the Custodian climbs to his feet and runs after Ruth.

Ruth PJ: Ruth limps to her feet, running as a fast as she can, but cannot escape.

Ruth PJ: Ruth must fight or die.

Ruth PJ: Ruth is cornered by the Custodian on the platform over the smelting pot. She fights him off, jabbing at him with a piece of sharp metal she finds, slicing him once. He slaps her down and readies his knife.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian is killed.

Custodian AJ: The rottweiler charges from nowhere, slamming into the Custodian. He stabs at the dog, wounding it, but trips over the ransom money and falls from the platform. He lands headfirst in the smelting pot.

Ruth PJ: When Ruth peers over the edge, the Custodian is laying on his back – presumed dead.

Ruth PJ: Ruth has survived. She finds the Custodian’s cell phone in the bag of money and calls police.

Resolution: Ruth gets her revenge

Ruth PJ: Ruth sits in the back of the ambulance, waiting to be taken to the hospital. The rottweiler sits next to her bandaged. It’s her dog now.

Ruth PJ: Ruth’s husband arrives feigning concern. When he joins her in the ambulance, Ruth reveals she has the Custodian’s cell phone containing text messages to her husband. Your ass is mine. She pets her new dog.

Deeper Level: Ruth is now in charge.

Custodian AJ: The police investigate. They retrieve the girl’s body from the smelting pot and lower the derelicts body from the rafters. But when the rescue team is told the bring the Custodian, he’s vanished from the smelting pot.

Custodian AJ: The Custodian has escaped.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Outlining the character beats showed me how to escalate the suspense and the pace of the script to it’s final climactic moments.

GENRE: Thriller

Protagonist: Ruth Griffin

Antagonist: The Custodian

ACT 1: Ruth is kidnapped

Ruth PJ 1: Ruth revives in the bottom of a smelting pot, trapped. She cries out for help, and hearing her echo, believes is alone, abandoned.

Custodian AJ 1: The Custodian reveals his presence, standing above Ruth on a platform gazing down at her. He’s masked.

Inciting Incident: He drops her a newspaper for a proof of life photo.

Deeper Layer: Ruth realizes she’s being held for ransom.

Ruth PJ 2: She screams at her captor, impressing upon him her importance. She’s a congressman’s wife.

Custodian AJ 2: He points to the side of the smelting pot. In red paint a sign reads: “Shh! Be quiet. You’re not alone.”

Ruth PJ3: She begins to scream for help until exhausted and convinced she’s alone.

Deeper Layer: He’s warning her that she’s in real danger and to keep quiet.

Ruth PJ4: Resting, she wakes up to hear cars enter the mill. Excited at first, she soon realizes it’s a street gang come to torture and kill one of their own. She reads the “Shh!” sign again and remains quiet.

Turning Point 1: She’s discovered by a young female gang member. Fearing for her life, she begs the girl not to expose her to the others, which the girl does and the gang leaves.

Custodian AJ 3: He sits in the shadows smoking a cigar, watching, armed in case he needs to protect Ruth.

Deeper Layer: The Custodian is keeping her alive. Why?

Act 2: Ruth learns to survive.

Ruth PJ 5: The Custodian appears again, emphasizing to be quiet. She agrees, understanding the danger surrounding her.

Custodian AJ 4: He contacts the husband by text, revealing their conspiracy to kidnap Ruth. The husband tries to renegotiate the deal.

Deeper Level: Ruth’s husband wants her dead, but he cannot be trusted.

Ruth PJ 6: Ruth battles a rattle snake that falls into the smelting pot. She begins to realize her courage and strength.

Ruth PJ 7: A derelict lowers a ladder and climbs into the smelting pot to assault Ruth, but she fails to fight him off, and he knocks her down to assault her.

Custodian AJ 5: He appears from nowhere to save Ruth, roping the derelict around the neck and hanging him above the smelting pot.

Deeper Level: He must keep her alive until paid, then she can be left to die.

Ruth PJ 8: The young gang member who found Ruth returns, curious. Ruth begs the woman for help convincing her to handover her cell phone for Ruth to call the police.

Midpoint: Ruth’s escape plan

Custodian AJ 6: The Custodian kills the young woman and drops her body into the smelting pot with Ruth. Then demands the phone, which Ruth throws at him.

Custodian AJ 7: The Custodian uses the girls cell phone to call Ruth’s husband and reveal his involvement in the kidnapping. Ruth realizes her husband is involved in her kidnapping.

Deeper Level: Ruth knows she’s going to be killed.

Ruth PJ 10: Hearing the Custodian leave, Ruth uses the girl’s body as a step stool to reach the edge of the pot to climb out. Then climbs onto the hanging derelict to reach the platform. Before she fully escapes, the Custodian returns.

Custodian AJ 8: He returns to find Ruth has escaped.

Deeper Level: He supplied the means of her escape.

Ruth PJ 11: Hiding in the shadows of the mill, Ruth finds her way to the gang members car to escape.

Custodian AJ 9: He must kill Ruth to prevent his conspiracy with her husband from being revealed.

Climax: Ruth fights for her freedom

Ruth PJ 12: Opening the car door, the girl’s rottweiler barks at Ruth, revealing her location to the Custodian. She flees into the mill as the dog breaks from the car chasing after her.

Ruth PJ 13: Chased through the mill, Ruth is cornered by the Custodian on the platform over the smelting pot and must fight or die.

Custodian AJ 10: He’s attacked by the rottweiler and lands in the smelting pot presumed dead.

Ruth PJ 14: Ruth finds the Custodian’s cell phone in the bag of ransom money and calls police.

Resolution: Ruth gets her revenge

Ruth PJ 15: In the back of the ambulance, waiting to be taken to the hospital, Ruth reveals to her husband that she has the Custodian’s cell phone with his text messages.

Deeper Level: Your ass is mine!

Custodian AJ 11: When the police attempt to retrieve his body from the smelting pot, he’s gone. Vanished.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Deeper Layer

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Delving into the layers of my story/characters has given me greater insight into their motivations and their relationship to each other. Not only have I learned my antagonist is psychotic, but he’s also calculating, driven by greed and has empathy for Ruth.

DEEPER LAYERS

Surface Layer: Ruth has been kidnapped for ransom and is being held hostage in an abandoned steel mill.

Deeper Layer: The kidnapper has contracted with Ruth’s husband to kidnap and kill Ruth for the ransom.

Major Reveal: Ruth’s husband tries to renegotiate the deal, and the kidnapper reveals his involvement by calling him and allowing Ruth to hear the call.

Influences Surface Story: Even though he endangers her life, he protects her, keeping her alive until the ransom is paid.

Hints: An article in the newspaper used for Ruth’s proof of life photo reveals the fate of the kidnapper’s last victim.

Changes Reality: Knowing her husband is involved, Ruth realizes she’s going to be killed and must find a way to escape on her own.

CHARACTER STRUCTURE

PROTAGONIST – RUTH GRIFFIN

Opening: Ruth recovers from being drugged and wakes up in the bottom of a smelting pot in an abandoned steel mill/iron works.

Inciting Incident: The Custodian, her kidnapper, reveals himself and takes a photo of her holding a newspaper as proof of life. Ruth realizes she’s behind held for ransom.

Turning Point 1: Ruth realizes the indirect danger surrounding her when she listens to a drug gang torture and kill an informant in the steel mill, and she agrees to remain silent until the ransom is paid.

Act 2: A derelict discovers Ruth and climbs into the pot to assault her. While she fights him off, the Custodian intervenes and kills the derelict.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Ruth learns her husband is involved and realizes she’s going to be left to die.

Act 3: Having spotted Ruth earlier, one of the gang members returns, curious about Ruth’s predicament, but is killed by the Custodian before she can help.

Turning Point 3: When her kidnapper leaves to collect the ransom, Ruth uses the girl’s body like a step stool to climb out of the smelting pot and escape.

Act 4 Climax: Her kidnapper returns sooner than expected, she does battle with him in a game of cat and mouse through the steel mill until he’s knocked into the smelting pot, presumed dead.

Resolution: Ruth is taken to the hospital by ambulance. The Custodian has vanished from the smelting pot – gone.

ANTAGONIST – CUSTODIAN

Opening: He kidnaps prominent women and holds them hostage in abandoned buildings, leaving them for dead after the ransom is paid.

Inciting Incident: He contracts to kidnap Ruth for her husband and kill her on payment of the ransom.

Turning Point 1: He kidnaps Ruth and holds her hostage in the smelting pot of the steel mill.

Act 2: He reveals himself to Ruth and drops her a newspaper for a proof of life photograph. He sends the photo to her husband to show the plot is underway.

vanishes into the mill allowing a drug gang to kill one of their own to threaten Ruth to obey his instructions and remain quiet.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: When Ruth’s husband tries to renegotiate the deal claiming a problem securing the money.

Act 3: He saves Ruth from being raped by a drug addict to keep her alive until the full ransom is paid.

Turning Point 3: He murders the young gang member before she can help Ruth escape.

Act 4 Climax: He discovers Ruth has escaped the smelting pot and hunts her through the mill and falls into the smelting pot, presumed dead.

Resolution: He’s vanished.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Character Structure

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I hadn’t considered the outline from the antagonist’s perspective. This was a great way to envision and tell his/her story. It’s perfect – yet.

RUTH GRIFFIN

Opening: Ruth recovers from being drugged and wakes up in the bottom of a smelting pot in an abandoned steel mill/iron works.

Inciting Incident: The Custodian, her kidnapper, reveals himself and takes a photo of her holding a newspaper as proof of life. Ruth realizes she’s behind held for ransom.

Turning Point 1: Ruth listens to a drug gang torture and kill an informant in the steel mill, and when she’s discovered by a young gang member, she begs the girl not to be revealed. The girl agrees, and leaves her, saving her life. Ruth learns she needs to be silent.

Act 2: Realizing the indirect danger surrounding her, she agrees to remain silent until the ransom is paid.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: A derelict discovers Ruth and climbs into the pot to assault her. While she fights him off, the Custodian intervenes and kills the derelict.

Act 3: Ruth learns her husband is involved and realizes she’s going to be left to die.

Turning Point 3: The young gang member returns, curious about Ruth’s predicament, and is killed by the Custodian before she can help.

Act 4 Climax: Ruth uses the girl’s body like a step stool to climb out of the smelting pot and escape. She does battle with the Custodian in a game of cat and mouse through the steel mill until the Custodian is knocked into the smelting pot, presumed dead.

Resolution: Ruth is taken to the hospital by ambulance. The Custodian has vanished from the smelting pot – gone.

CUSTODIAN

Opening: He kidnaps prominent women, in league with their husbands, and holds them hostage in abandoned buildings, leaving them for dead after the ransom is paid.

Inciting Incident: He contracts to kidnap Ruth for her husband and kill her on payment of the ransom.

Turning Point 1: He kidnaps Ruth and holds her hostage in the smelting pot of the steel mill.

Act 2: After revealing himself, he vanishes into the mill allowing a drug gang to kill one of their own to threaten Ruth to obey his instructions and remain quiet.

Act 2: He saves Ruth from being raped by a derelict drug addict to keep her alive.

Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: He contacts Ruth’s husband who want to renegotiate their deal.

Act 3: He murders the young gang member before she can help Ruth escape.

Turning Point 3: He discovers Ruth has escaped the smelting pot.

Act 4 Climax: He hunts Ruth through the mill and falls into the smelting pot, presumed dead.

Resolution: He’s vanished.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Supporting Characters

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

This lesson introduced me to the supporting characters I had yet to consider and how they would interact with the lead characters.

Support 1:

· Name: Camila

· Role: Drug dealer’s girl friend

· Main Purpose: Finds Ruth in the smelting pot and returns to the steel mill to help her

· Value: She provides Ruth with an unorthodox way to escape the smelting pot

Support 2:

· Name: Derelict

· Role: Drug addict who shows-up at the steel mill

· Main Purpose: To threaten Ruth with physical violence

· Value: Heighten the danger for Ruth and force her to realize she’s not safe and must escape

Support 3:

· Name: Bosa

· Role: Drug dealer

· Main Purpose: Arrives at the steel mill with his street gang to torture and assassinate an informer

· Value: To expose Ruth to greater danger and force her to capitulate to her kidnapper’s demands to be silent.

Support 4:

· Name: Sammy

· Role: Informer

· Main Purpose: To be executed by Bosa for being an informer

· Value: To heighten the violence surrounding Ruth.

Background:

· Name: Jules, Max, Javier

· Role: Bosa’s gang members

· Main Purpose: Bosa’s henchmen who torture and kill Sammy

· Value: Create the violence to threaten Ruth

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Character Profiles Part 2

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Having recently taken PS81, these assignments are a good refresher for me. I hadn’t considered the additional traits/flaws of my characters which have added new dimensions to their motivations and interactions.

RUTH –

Character High Concept: Ruth Griffin is kidnapped for ransom and held hostage in the smelting pot of an abandoned steel mill and must use her resourcefulness to escape before being left for dead.

Character’s Journey: The kidnap victim who defeats a serial kidnapper and killer.

Actor Attractors: Ill-prepared by a privileged lifestyle, she must adopt survival skills in a life-or-death situation transforming her from victim to heroine.

Role in the story:

Protagonist. The political wife who is kidnapped for ransom and held in the smelting pot of an abandoned steel mill. She must secure her escape before she is left for dead by her kidnapper.

Age range: Ruth is in her forties.

Description: An attractive woman, pampered by wealth and privilege, typically seen standing dutifully by her husband’s side on the campaign trial.

Core traits:

· Artful

· Cooperative

· Defiant

· Proud

Motivations:

· Want: To stay alive

· Need: To escape her captor

Wound: In an abusive relationship.

Likability: She shows courage during her ordeal.

Relatability: She’s frightened, isolated, and alone.

Empathy: She’s trapped and at the mercy of others.

Character Subtext: She portrays the dutiful wife but is having an affair.

Character Intrigue: She’s claustrophobic.

Flaw: Pampered. Has had everything done for her.

Values: Status and money.

Character dilemma: Wants her freedom but is too afraid to try and escape.

THE CUSTODIAN

Character High Concept: Known as the Custodian, he kidnaps high profile wives for ransom and holds them hostage in abandoned locations, keeping them safe from harm until the ransom is paid.

Character’s Journey: From kidnapper to protector to presumed dead.

Actor Attractors: Psychopathic serial kidnapper/killer.

Role in the story:

Antagonist. The kidnapper who holds Ruth hostage for ransom in an abandoned steel mill. He protects her from other villains that frequent the mill while waiting for the ransom to be paid.

Age range: Mature, but his age is unknown.

Description: He’s physically intimidating, always masked and never speaks, except with actions.

Core traits:

· Greedy

· Violent

· Intelligent

· No guilt

Motivations:

· Want: Money

· Need: Keep his hostage alive until paid

Wound: Resistant to emotion.

Likability: He’s pleasant toward his captive. He has a warped sense of humor.

Relatability: He’s intelligent.

Empathy: He’s betrayed by his partner.

Character Subtext: He intends to kill his hostage even though he protects her from others.

Character Intrigue: He’s plotting with the victim’s husband.

Flaw: His use of violence causes him to make a critical mistake.

Values: Money. His own capabilities.

Character dilemma: His need to complete the job even though he’s been betrayed.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Character Profiles Part 1

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Delving deeper into my characters’ profiles creates greater understanding of their motivations and how they will interact with each other and drive the script to an inevitable conclusion.

RUTH –

Character High Concept: Ruth Griffin is kidnapped for ransom and held hostage in the smelting pot of an abandoned steel mill and must use her resourcefulness to escape before being left for dead.

Character’s Journey: The kidnap victim who defeats a serial kidnapper and killer.

Actor Attractors: Ill-prepared by a privileged lifestyle, she must adopt survival skills in a life-or-death situation transforming her from victim to heroine.

Role in the story:

Protagonist. The political wife who is kidnapped for ransom and held in the smelting pot of an abandoned steel mill. She must secure her escape before she is left for dead by her kidnapper.

Age range: Ruth is in her forties.

Description: An attractive woman, pampered by wealth and privilege, typically seen standing dutifully by her husband’s side on the campaign trial.

Core traits:

· Artful

· Cooperative

· Defiant

· Frightened

Motivations:

· Want: To stay alive

· Need: To escape her captor

Wound: In an abusive relationship.

Likability: She shows courage during her ordeal.

Relatability: She’s frightened, isolated, and alone.

Empathy: She’s trapped and at the mercy of others.

THE CUSTODIAN

Character High Concept: Known as the Custodian, he kidnaps a politician’s wife for ransom and holds her hostage in an abandoned steel mill, keeping her safe from others until the ransom is paid.

Character’s Journey: From kidnapper to protector to presumed dead.

Actor Attractors: Psychopath serial kidnapper.

Role in the story:

Antagonist. The kidnapper who holds Ruth hostage for ransom in an abandoned steel mill. He protects her from other villains that frequent the mill while waiting for the ransom to be paid.

Age range: Mature, but his age is unknown.

Description: He’s physically intimidating, always masked and never speaks.

Core traits:

· Greedy

· Violent

· Intelligent

· No guilt

Motivations:

· Want: Money

· Need: Keep his hostage alive until paid

Wound: Resistant to emotion.

Likability: He’s pleasant toward his captive. He has a warped sense of humor.

Relatability: He’s intelligent.

Empathy: He’s betrayed by his partner.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Liability/Relatability/Empathy

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Each new assignment helps me delve deeper into my characters, especially my antagonist. Developing my villain’s audience connection has helped me create a truly memorable and multi-dimensional bad guy to drive the story that an audience will love to hate.

Character Name: Ruth Griffin

Role: Hostage

Likability: She shows courage during her ordeal; she verbally fights with her captor; she defends herself against an attacker; she fights off and kills a rattle snake.

Relatability: She’s frightened, isolated, and alone; she’s in an emotionally abusive marriage; she’s having an affair; she turns to her faith for comfort.

Empathy: She’s trapped and cannot escape; she’s at the mercy of others; her lover betrays her; she learns her husband is involved in her kidnapping.

Character Name: The Custodian

Role: Kidnapper

Likability: He’s intelligent; he’s patient and not cruel toward his captive; he’s violent with anyone who tries to harm his captive.

Relatability: He’s intelligent; he has a warped sense of humor; he likes money.

Empathy: He’s betrayed by his partner.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Character Intrigue

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Discovering my character’s intrigue, I realized 1) my antagonist’s affair, 2) that her kidnapper knew about it, and 3) her lover refuses to help. And 4) that the protagonist is in league with her husband. Developing character intrigue again added layers to my plot.

Character Name: Ruth Griffin

Role: Hostage

Hidden agendas:

Competition: She tries to manipulate her kidnapper, trying to bribe him and discover his identity.

Conspiracy:

Secret: She was having an affair, which is revealed when her kidnapper calls her lover on a cell phone and holds it for her to speak with him.

Deception: She convinces her kidnapper that she will cooperate while plotting to escape

Unspoken Wound: Her husband is abusive.

Secret Identity: Minister’s daughter who sings a soft hymn that softly echoes through the mill.

Give us an idea of how that character’s subtext might show up in your movie.

She cooperates with her captor whenever he’s present but tries to manipulate the others who arrive at the abandoned steel mill to help her; her captor holds a phone and allows her to speak to her lover, who refuses to help because he would have to reveal their affair and ruin his political career and family.

Character Name: The Custodian

Role: Kidnapper

Hidden agendas: He’s kidnapped his victim for ransom.

Competition: He toys with her, pretending to be interested in her offers to bride him, but keeps to his original plan to ransom her.

Conspiracy: 1) He’s in league with the husband to kidnap his own wife. 2) He uses the threat of street gangs and the drug addicts who frequent the steel mill to threaten his hostage into submission.

Secret: He’s kidnapped other women

Deception: Convinces his victim she will be released after the ransom is paid, but he intends to kill her after receiving the money.

Unspoken Wound: When he hears his captive softly singing a religious hymn to herself, he stops to listen, affected by the song for an unknown reason.

Secret Identity: His identity is never revealed.

Give us an idea of how that character’s subtext might show up in your movie.

He never speaks. His every action is threatening. He enjoys tormenting her while she’s held in captivity.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Subtext Characters

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

These exercises make me focus on the motivations of characters and push their conflict to an extreme to drive the story forward. But subtext adds depth to characters, developing the humanity of both protagonist and antagonist and creating the emotional connection for the audience.

Movie Title: The Smelting Pot

Character Name: Ruth Griffin

Subtext Identity: Ruth is a woman of privilege who is kidnapped and held hostage for ransom by a serial kidnapper.

Subtext Trait: Manipulative, frightened, suspicious, determined

Subtext Logline: Ruth is kidnapped and held hostage in an abandoned steel mill and tries to manipulate her captor into releasing her while figuring a way to escape.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Confronting her kidnapper, begging/demanding to be released; pleading with the young gang member who finds her by happenstance.

Character Name: The Custodian

Subtext Identity: Kidnapper who never speaks and threatens his hostage with gestures and signals.

Subtext Trait: Treacherous, sneaky, violent

Subtext Logline: The Custodian is a kidnapper who keeps his hostage prisoner in an abandoned steel mill and uses the violence of others to threaten her into obedience.

Possible Areas of Subtext: At their first meeting when he reveals himself to his hostage; when he saves her by killing a drug addict; killing the young gang member who tries to help; holding a phone allowing her to briefly speak to her husband.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Actor Attractors!

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I learned more about my protagonist’s depth andcharacter than I had originally considered and her relationship to the antagonist and the supporting characters.

Lead Character’s Name: Ruth Griffin

Role: Hostage

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

Ill-prepared by a privileged lifestyle, she must adopt survival skills in a life-or-death situation transforming her from victim to heroine.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

Her transition from pampered, helpless victim to an empathetic, tough woman.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Her verbal battles with the antagonists
Her desperate attempts to keep hidden while a drug gang tortures one of their own
Her battle with a rattle snake
Fighting off a drug addict with immoral intentions
Her escape from the smelting pot prison
Her final battle with her kidnapper

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

Trapped in a no-way out situation and emotionally helpless and overwhelmed by her circumstances.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range?

From fear to rage to courage.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Fearing of her captor, she cedes to his demands while plotting a way to escape

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

Her battle of wills with the antagonist
Her interaction with the young gang member who discovers her and tries to help

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

Through the transition from fear and rage at her kidnapper
Softly singing Bible hymns in moments of misery

9. What could make this character special and unique?

Her experience as a hostage transforms her from self-importance to finding the deeper meaning of her life and empathy for the other victims.

Lead Character’s Name: The Custodian

Role: Kidnapper

1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

Psychopathic serial kidnapper

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

Cool and sadistic, he appears and disappears at will, always at the right moment, watching over his victim to protect her until the ransom is paid. His final intentions are never known until the end.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

His sadistic methods to keep his victim controlled
Saving his victim from being sexually assaulted by a drug addict
Playing cat and mouth with the victim after she has escaped her prison

4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

He stands over the victim on a platform gazing down at her, cloaked and masked. He instructs her to cooperate by simple hand gestures.

5. What could be this character’s emotional range?

Cool and calm to volatile rage.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

He shows empathy and a protective nature toward his victim.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

The relationship with his victim.

8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

By total silence, body language and his eyes.

9. What could make this character special and unique?

Never knowing his identity, communicating through hand signals and body language.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Dana Abbott.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Actor Attractors for The Dark Knight

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Not only do I need to develop unique voices for each character for them to standout, but their voices/personas must contrast with each other to create the greater conflict and drive the story.

Movie Title: The Dark Knight

Lead Character Name: Batman

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

To play the iconic hero of one of the most popular comic books in history.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

He’s torn between wanting a normal life and his commitment to being Gotham’s hero.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie

Jumping from one skyscraper and crashing into the office penthouse of another to capture the Mob’s banker and then being airlifted out by plane; promoting Harvey Dent to become the new hero of Gotham only to kill him and assuming responsibility for Harvey’s murders; capturing the Joker following a chase sequence through Gotham; interrogating the Joker only to surrender to emotion and rage when he learns the Joker has kidnapped Rachel and Harvey; fighting off the police SWAT teams and the Joker to save hostages.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

The introduction action sequences capturing the villain from the original film.

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

From pure good to embracing rage and violence; from love to sorrow and mourning; deciding to surrender and reveal himself as Batman.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Portraying the flamboyant playboy billionaire in contrast to his heroic alter ego.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

His relationship with the Joker. Batman’s pure good versus the Joker’s pure chaos and evil. The Joker is bent on breaking Batman, revealing his dark side.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

Batman’s persona is direct and to the point, leaving no room for ambiguity, allowing action to define his character. Bruce Wayne’s public image is flippant and sarcastic and flamboyant, while in private, his vulnerability is reveals.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

His belief in justice and ability to find the good in people while surrounded by evil and corruption.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

The final scene, Batman confronts Harvey Dent after the Joker has broken Harvey to become “two-face” and commit several murders. Batman kills Harvey to save Commissioner Gordon’s son. But to save Harvey’s reputation as Gotham’s hero, Batman assumes responsibility for Harvey’s murders and becomes the Dark Knight vigilante, wanted by the police.

Lead Character Name: The Joker

1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?

He’s a sadistic, violent, psychopath who loves chaos.

2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?

He’s not governed by reason and turns Gotham to chaos and anarchy. He manipulates the other characters into believing that they are in control but breaks them to embrace the very evil they fight.

3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie

Robs a Mob bank and betrays his partners; crashes a Mob meeting and extorts them with their own money; allows himself to be captured by police to kill another prisoner; invades a fundraiser and threatens Bruce Wayne’s guests and girlfriend; burns hundreds of millions of dollars to prove he doesn’t care about money; masterminds a city-wide panic; wires two bombs aboard two ferry boats and dares the people to blow each other up.

4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?

The Joker is introduced by his partners while robbing a Mob bank. They define the Joker as the mastermind, including his eccentricities, building his character. When he finally pulls off his mask, he reveals the Joker mask underneath, he defines himself as “strange.”

5. What is this character’s emotional range?

From evil humor to insane rage; sarcasm and laughter while being beaten; allowing himself to be captured to masterminding his escape; from greed to burning millions.

6. What subtext can the actor play?

Every scheme is designed to create greater chaos and take over the city’s organized crime.

7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?

His relationship with Batman. The Joker breaks Batman by killing his best friend, Rachel, and makes him violate his own principles, killing Harvey Dent and taking responsibility for Harvey’s murders to become the Dark Knight.

8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?

He uses humor to inflict terror and pain and to manipulate other into do his bidding, while making them believe they’re control.

9. What makes this character special and unique?

He’s not bound to any code or ethos other than total chaos.

10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)

The Joker crashes the secret meeting of the Mob, laughing as he enters. He provides a magic trick, the disappearing pencil, by shoving a pencil into a bad guy’s eye. He takes the seat at the head of the table and insults the men at the table, calling them cowards – “did your balls drop off?” He exposes their plans to hide their money as flawed and offers to kill Batman for half of their ill-gotten money. When one mobster has had enough and moves to kill him, the Joker reveals his jacket is boobytrapped with hand grenades and backs out unscathed, leaving his calling card for them to call him when they’re ready to make a deal.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Genre Convention

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Brainstorming my original ideas based on the thriller conventions helped me create more tension and suspense for my lead character and added greater villainy to the protagonists.

Title: The Smelting Pot

Genre: Thriller

Concept: Kidnapped for ransom, a wealthy woman is held hostage in the smelting pot of an abandoned steel mill frequented by drug addicts and street gangs, and to survive, she must remain soundless and stay hidden until the ransom is paid or find a way to escape her captor known as The Custodian.

Conventions:

Purpose: thrills, high stakes, plot twists, suspense, adrenalin packed climax

Life and Death Situations: face danger, physically, emotionally, mentally

Mystery/Intrigue/Suspense: mystery to be solved, Villain’s plan, create suspense from danger

Hero: Unknowing, unwitting, resourceful

Villain: Dangerous, devious, unrelenting

Main Emotions: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation, uncertainty, surprise

In Ruth’s desperation to get out of the pot, she injures herself.

Reveal the kidnapper’s intent with a proof of life photo

Have the kidnapper emotionally torture Ruth by calling the husband and allowing them to briefly speak.

When the drug dealers arrive, have them nearly discover Ruth, making her think she’s safe until the Pitbull sniffs her out and she’s discovered by the drug dealer’s girlfriend.

Create a reason for the drug dealer’s girlfriend not to reveal Ruth to her drug gang.

Make the torture scene gruesome to heighten the fear and tension.

The kidnapper rewards Ruth for obeying his instructions.

Make the audience believe the derelict will help Ruth escape, only to reveal his real intentions.

Have the kidnapper help and protect Ruth – but to his own purposes.

Have Ruth barely escape the pot, using whatever resources at hand.

Have the kidnapper fall into the pot in an ironic way by tripping over the money

Leave the ending open for a sequel

Version2: Genre Improvements (underlined)

Act 1:

Opening: Ruth Griffin awakens to find herself in the bottom of smelting pot in an abandoned iron works dressed in the evening gown she wore to the event from which she was abducted. She cries out for help to no avail, her voice echoes into the dark. She feels her way around and tries to climb out, but she cannot reach the lip of the smelting pot. Out of desperation, she takes off her shows and tries to climb up but falls and cuts herself. She’s trapped. Cold. Alone.

Inciting Incident: Ruth’s captor reveals himself, standing on the rusted platform above the smelting pot. Masked, he never speaks. Ruth demands to be released, screaming at her capture. He points to a sign painted on the inside of the pot. Shh! Be quiet. You’re not alone. He drops a newspaper to her and instructs her to hold it up for him to take a proof of life photo. She then realizes she’s been kidnapped for ransom.

Turning Point: When Ruth hears two cars drive into the iron works, she resists her first instinct to call out, reading the warning sign on the side of the pot to keep quiet. A drug dealer and his gang climb from the cars. The reckless gang members begin to explore, but their leader calls them back and excoriates them for being stupid, inadvertently saving Ruth from being found. Ruth, believing she’s safe, listens to them pull a man from the trunk of the car and interrogate, torture, and behead him for being an informer. During this, the drug dealer’s Pitbull hears Ruth’s echoed breathing and bolts from the dealer’s young girlfriend holding the leash. The dog sniff out Ruth in the pot and barks at her. Ordered to get the dog, the young girl spies Ruth. Ruth silently pleads for the girl to say nothing, knowing she’ll be killed as a witness to the murder. The girl, upset at watching the man tortured, is empathetic to Ruth and says nothing. She rejoins her gang, and they leave, leaving the body behind. In the shadows, Ruth’s captor has been watching, ready to kill if necessary.

Act 2:

New Plan: Ruth decides to cooperate with her captor. She will remain quiet and wait for her husband to pay the ransom. For cooperating, the kidnapper drops her a blanket and water.

Plan in Action: When a rattle snake slips and falls into the pot while pursuing its prey, Ruth is forced to kill the snake, creating noise. When she looks up, she’s being watched by a derelict standing on the platform above. The derelict questions why Ruth is in the pot. She warns him about her captor and begs the man for help. The derelict begins to shout, the echo booming. Ruth tries to quiet him, but he shouts to prove they’re alone. He steps away and returns with a rusted latter and extends it into the pot. Ruth starts to climb out until —

Midpoint Turning Point: The derelict climbs down into the smelting pot to take advantage of the situation and Ruth. She tries to fight him off but fails. Before he can assault her, the kidnapper re-emerges on the platf­­orm and slip-ropes the derelict around his neck. He snatches him away from Ruth, hanging him against the side of the pot and steps off the platform with rope in hand, snapping the man’s neck. Slowly, the man’s dead body is pulled up and out of the pot inch by inch. The ladder is then slid out from the pot, leaving Ruth screaming and crying.

Act 3:

Rethinking everything: Ruth realizes she must escape or she’s going to be left to die in the pot.

New Plan: She hears another car enter the mill and cautiously calls out to the person. The young girl appears on the platform. She’s returned out of curiosity. Ruth warns about her captor, but he’s gone. Ruth pleads with the girl to help. The girl resists, afraid of her drug dealer boyfriend. But then agrees to give Ruth her burn phone to call for help. She drops the phone to Ruth, and when Ruth looks up to thank her —

Turning Point: Huge Failure / Major Shift: The kidnapper slips up from behind and stabs the girl and pushes her body into the pot with Ruth. She dies in Ruth’s arms. The kidnapper demands the phone from Ruth, and she throws it at him. He dials a number and holds it up for Ruth to hear when her husband answers the call. His voice echoes into the pot. She cries out for him, but before she can reveal where she is, the kidnapper kills the call and throws the phone away. He turns and leave with Ruth cursing after him.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Ruth searches the girl’s body and find her car keys. When she hears the kidnapper start his car and leave, Ruth realizes this is her moment. She uses the girl’s body to stand on but still cannot reach the edge of the pot. She uses one of her high heels to hook the edge of the pot, but the heel breaks, and she falls back into the pot. She uses her other shoe and reaches the edge as the second heel breaks. She dangles, nearly falling back, but climbs out, reaching the platform. But before she can escape, her the kidnapper returns, and Ruth is forced to hide in the shadows. The kidnapper, realizing Ruth has escaped, drops a satchel filled with ransom money on the platform and draws his revolver to begin the hunt. Ruth sneaks to the girl’s car and opens the door, but the Pitbull suddenly rears up and attacks. Ruth bolts, barely escaping the dog. Ruth plays cat and mouse with the kidnapper and the dog until she’s trapped on the platform by her kidnapper. In the final moment, the dog charges from nowhere and attacks the kidnapper. He shoots the dog, but is knocked off his feet, tripping over the satchel of money and landing in the pot, presumably dead.

Resolution: Ruth is rescued by police and her husband, and she’s taken to hospital. The police conduct their investigation and remove the bodies one by one, saving the kidnapper until last. But when they go to retrieve the body, he’s gone.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Four-Act Transformational Structure

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I scripted this story in a very short time. The preparation from concept to structure made this outline easy. I pictured the story from beginning to end before I started this assignment. These techniques have simplified my writing, and I am very excited to write this script!

Title: The Smelting Pot

Genre: Thriller

Concept: Kidnapped for ransom, a wealthy woman is held hostage in the smelting pot of an abandoned steel mill frequented by drug addicts and street gangs, and to survive, she must remain soundless and stay hidden until the ransom is paid or find a way to escape her captor known as The Custodian.

Main Conflict: Ruth must find a way to escape her abductor, while surviving the horrors that torment her through the night.

Old Ways:

Moneyed and pampered
Dependent on others
Fearful
Victim

New Ways:

Self-reliant
Determined
Strong; fearless
Survivor

Act 1:

Opening: Ruth Griffin awakens to find herself in the bottom of smelting pot in an abandoned iron works dressed in the evening gown she wore to the event from which she was abducted. She cries out for help to no avail, her voice echoing into the dark. She feels her way around and tries to climb out, but she cannot reach the lip of the smelting pot. She’s trapped. Cold. Alone.

Inciting Incident: Ruth’s captor reveals himself, standing on the rusted platform above the smelting pot. Masked, he never speaks, she realizes she’s been kidnapped for ransom.

Turning Point: Drug dealers drive into the steel mill, and Ellen hears them interrogate, torture, and kill man they believed is an informer. When she’s discovered by the drug dealer’s inquisitive dog and the young girlfriend, Ruth silently pleads for the girl not to say anything, knowing she’ll be killed as a witness to the murder. The girl, empathetic to Ruth, decides to say nothing, and the drug dealers leave.

Act 2:

New Plan: Ruth decides to cooperate with her captor. She will remain quiet and wait for her husband to pay the ransom.

Plan in Action: When a rattle snake slips and falls into the pot while pursuing its prey, Ruth is forced to kill the snake, creating noise. When she looks up, she’s being watched by a derelict standing on the platform above.

Midpoint Turning Point: The derelict climbs down into the smelting pot to take advantage of the situation and Ruth. She fails to fight him off, but before he can assault her, the kidnapper kills the derelict, hanging him by a rope, snapping his neck and pulling him out of the pot.

Act 3:

Rethinking everything: Ruth realizes she must escape or she’s going to be left to die in the pot.

New Plan: She hears another car enter the mill and cautiously calls out to the person. The young girl appears on the platform. She’s returned out of curiosity. Ruth warns about her captor, but he’s gone. Ruth persuades the girl to help.

Turning Point: Huge Failure / Major Shift: Before the girl can help, the kidnapper slips up from behind and stabs her and pushes her body into the pot with Ruth. She dies in Ruth’s arms.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Hearing the kidnapper start his car and leave, Ruth stands on the girl’s body to reach the edge of the pot and climbs out. But before she can escape, her the kidnapper returns. Sneaking to the girl’s car, the dog suddenly rears up and attacks Ruth when she opens the door. Ruth now plays cat and mouse, chased through the mill until she’s trapped on the platform by her kidnapper. In the final moment, the dog charges from nowhere and attacks the kidnapper knocking him into the pot, presumably dead.

Resolution: Ruth is rescued by police and her husband, and she’s taken off to hospital. The police, conducting the investigation, remove the bodies one by one, saving the kidnapper for last. But when they try to retrieve the body, he’s already gone.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Subtext Plot

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Deciding the subtext plot helps me outline the arc of my lead character and delve deeper into the emotional and physical dilemmas she will face through the script.

Title: The Smelting Pot

Genre: Thriller

Concept: Kidnapped for ransom, a wealthy woman is held hostage in the smelting pot of an abandoned steel mill frequented by drug addicts and street gangs, and to survive, she must remain soundless and stay hidden until the ransom is paid or find a way to escape her captor known as The Custodian.

Subtext Plot: Scheme and Investigation / Fish Out of Water

Ruth is dealing with…

· being kidnapped and held hostage

· being isolated and alone

· being discovered by the wrong people

· being killed / harmed

· never being found and the hopelessness of rescue

· her captor’s true intentions

· trying to escape

Scheme and Investigation: Ruth’s abductor is a serial kidnapper who schemes to extort money from her husband, while Ruth, after the hardship of isolation and hopelessness, investigates a way to escape her captor.

Fish Out of Water: Ruth is a wealthy political wife, pampered and privileged, who now finds herself the captive of a serial kidnapper who treats her like a caged animal.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Intentional Lead Characters

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I have a better understanding of my character and a vision for her arc.

Character: Ruth Griffin

Arc Beginning: Tormented hostage

Arc Ending: Fearless survivor

Internal Journey: From pampered political wife to strong heroine who defeats her captor

External Journey: From kidnap victim to the woman who captures a serial kidnapper

Old Ways:

Moneyed and pampered
Dependent on others
Fearful
Victim

New Ways:

Self-reliant
Determined
Strong; fearless
Survivor

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Intentional Lead Characters

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

Developing a character before I write my script is essential to the direction of the story. Knowing my protagonist and antagonist helps me imagine conflict between them.

Character: Ruth Griffin

Logline: Ruth is a woman of privilege who must learn how to survive after being kidnapped and held hostage for ransom in an abandoned steel mill surrounded by street gangs and drug addicts.

Unique: She’s the wife of a congressman

Character: The Custodian

Logline: The Custodian is a masked kidnapper who appears and disappears at will in a game of cat and mouse to mentally torture his captive into keeping silent.

Unique: He never speaks.

[Dana Abbott]

WIM2 – Dana’s Title, Concept and Character Structure

My Vision: I intend to perfect my skills to become a successful screenwriter, scripting acclaimed and profitable films, recognized by my peers, and living an adventurous life.

What I learned during this assignment:

I used to flow write most of my scripts. Taking the PS81 course and now the WIM has taught me that concept, title, outlining, and choosing the right character structure is vital before putting one word to paper. It saves me time writing and rewriting.

Title: The Smelting Pot / The Custodian

Genre: Thriller

Concept: Kidnapped for ransom, a wealthy woman is held hostage in the smelting pot of an abandoned steel mill frequented by drug addicts and street gangs, and to survive, she must remain soundless and stay hidden until the ransom is paid or find a way to escape her captor known as The Custodian.

Character Structure: Protagonist v. Antagonist

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Dana Abbott.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Career Plan

What I learned:

The screenwriting process is far more involved that just writing a good script. You need to promote yourself every day, be proactive with your education and network. Preparation will eventually meet opportunity.

Career Plan

A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next six months?

I intend to complete the final draft of my thriller First Time Caller. I am currently on the 4^th revision and hope to complete it within the next month. I will also work with my ScreenwritingU alumni to improve my query and pitch, and by the end of the year, I hope to submit my screenplay to festival competition and ultimately producers.

I am taking the Writing Incredible Movies 2 class for the remainder and hope to write the second script in the series for the class.

B. What are you going to do to elevate quality?

I intend to use all the lessons learned from PS81 and continue my education with ScreenwritingU, including the WIM classes currently in process.

I will implement the philosophies, skill mastery sheets, T.O.T.E, seek feedback from the ScreenwritingU alumni and friends, and when ready, work with script consultants to improve my future scripts.

C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts?

I intend to have the first two scripts for my thriller series completed for marking by the first of next year, if not sooner. I will watch for trends in the market and continue to create seed ideas and develop them into high concepts using the ProSeries process.

I also intend to rewrite past screenplays using my new PS81 skills and use them as part of my portfolio.

D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)?

Thrillers and some comedy (as the mood strikes me).

E. How are you going to build a stronger network?

I intend to coordinate and update my social media accounts to include Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn into a professional dynamic. I will work with my PS and WIM alumni and network with family and friends in the industry with access to other professionals.

I intend to submit scripts to independent film festivals and online competitions.

F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business?

Continue my ScreenwritingU education, read and watch interviews with top producers and industry insiders, seek advice from PS alumni, and communicate with members of the industry through social media.

G. How are you going to marker yourself and your writing?

By leaving my comfort zone. This is the most difficult area for me. I tend to be introverted. I need to work on my social networking skills and promote myself, entering contests and make writing deals for smaller project to get my name known.

I will continue to work with PS and WIM alumni and post queries and loglines for completed scripts online at suggested PS approved websites.

[Dana Abbott]

<div>PS81 – Dana’s Knows T.O.T.E.
</div><div>

What I learned:

</div>

I have a lot of work ahead of me before my screenplay is ready to submit to producers.

T.O.T.E. Process

My Script:

Conceptualize 50 – 100 seed ideas to high concept using the PS format, select the top 10 best ideas, test the ideas with friends and write outline

TEST: Critique outline with PS81 and WIM alumni

OPERATE: Write the first draft of my script using the ProSeries, WIM and 30-Day Screenplay skill mastery sheets and techniques. Rewrite script until the script is ready for testing.

TEST: Critique script with PS and WIM alumni

OPERATE: Rewrite script based on critiques

TEST: Hire script consultant and rewrite script according to the critique

EXIT: Submit script for competition.

a. If I do not receive Recommend or First place, loop back for rewriting

b. If I receive Recommend or First place, move out of test phase

EXIT: Send to producers

My Query

Draft query letter based on high concept, outline, and script

TEST: Critique query with PS and WIM alumni that have read my script

OPERATE: Rewrite query and re-submit as necessary for alumni critiques

TEST: Practice my pitch with PS alumni pitch seminars

EXIT: Query and pitch producers specializing in my chosen genre(s)

Building My Network

Update my social media network daily

Follow and communicate with producers in the industry

Network with family and friends in the industry

Participate in PS pitch sessions

Offer to critique PS and WIM alumni scripts

Keep abreast of industry trends

[Dana Abbott]

Empowering yourself as a writer through self motivation is essential. I’ve had those days where I sit and stare at the computer or write one line and change it multiple times. The ProSeries I’m currently completing taught me write throw away old habits, and I believe WIM will continue to empower new habits.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Abbott

I wrote 2 screenplays years ago that were agent represented (not sold), I’ve completed 3 screenplays in the past year (1 for PS81), and I am currently working on 2 more.

I have completed ProSeries81, 30 Day Screenplay, and How to Get Paid Writing Assignments courses at ScreenwritingU.

I intend to use WIM to improve my skills as a screenwriter and develop the next script in the franchise series I started during ProSeries81

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Abbott

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Query Letter Draft One

Title: First Time Caller

What I learned:

Rewriting my original query empowered my wordsmithing to select more dynamic wording.

Query Letter

You’re listening to your favorite radio show when a caller warns the host that he’s kidnapped her family and intends to kill them one-by-one on the air unless she bends to his will. Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?

Talk radio psychologist Ellen Landry has received just such a call.

Having survived a professional tragedy, Dr. Ellen is rebuilding her life at a talk radio therapist when the psychotic identity of an old patient suffering from multiple personalities dials in. His only request: erase the patient’s true identity by the end of her show.

The rules? Simple. If she refuses, they die. If she breaks the call, they die. If her show goes off the air, they die. If she fails, they die.

Ellen Landry must summon all her psychological skills to pit one identity against the other to save her family while Det. Jack Sorensen races against time to find the kidnapper before the end of the show.

So? Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?

If you enjoyed my concept, I will be glad to send you my script First Time Caller.

Sincerely,

Dana Abbott

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Query Letter

Title: First Time Caller

What I learned:

I’ve written query letters for other screenplays and a novel years ago, but this lesson helped me focus on concept using the hooks with the shortest number of words.

Query Letter

You’re listening to your favorite radio show when a caller tells the host that he’s kidnapped her family and intends to kill them one-by-one on the air unless she does his bidding. Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?

Talk radio psychologist Ellen Landry has received just such a call.

Having survived a professional tragedy, Dr. Ellen is rebuilding her life as a talk radio host when the psychotic identity of a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder dials in. His only request: erase the patient’s true identity by the end of her show.

The rules? Simple. If she refuses, they die. If she breaks the call, they die. If the show goes off the air, they die. If she fails, they die.

Ellen Landry must summon all her psychological skills to pit one identity against the other to save her family while Det. Jack Sorensen and his team race against time to find the kidnapper before the end of the show.

So? Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?

If you enjoyed my concept, I will be glad to send you my script First Time Caller.

Sincerely,

Dana Abbott

[Dana Abbott]

<div>PS81 – Dana has Lots of Hooks
</div><div>

Title: First Time Caller

</div>

What I learned:

I created more hooks in the story that I thought I had, and probably don’t recognize some. But I also learned I need to create more hooks to fulfill my surprise ending.

Lead Character Hooks

Ellen Landry

2,6, 8,9, 10, 13, 16, 15, 18, 20, 23, 24, 26, 29, 31, 32, 34, 37, 40, 44, 47

Jack Sorensen

17, 18, 21, 23, 35, 38, 43

Story Hooks

1. Man’s VO: “This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.”

2. Ellen and her patient talk at cross purposes. He becomes suspicious of her motives and talks about escaping the dark. The others whispering, conspiring against him.

3. Ellen’s patient attempts suicide

4. Antagonist prepares dungeon-like room

5. VO of radio announcers leads to KCSF radio station and Ellen’s new career

6. Station manager discussing Ellen’s low rations due to her lack of conflict on air

7. Ellen and Claire realize they’re show is being cancelled for low ratings

8. Ellen tells her producer Claire she doesn’t connect with people and avoids conflict

9. Ellen’s husband, Roger, calls to say a) his car didn’t start, b) and he called Uber, c) he had to wait for a driver with a child seat for their daughters, d) the Uber driver takes a wrong turn. (Uber driver is antagonist)

10. Ellen doesn’t tell her husband her show didn’t get picked up, and explains to Claire she doesn’t like to disappoint her daughters (family)

11. Claire tells Ellen, “One caller. That’s all we needed. Just one caller,” to save their show.

12. Jason, Ellen’s one time patient, calls the show and a matter of life and death.

13. Begging for help, Jason warns Ellen that someone will harm her family if she doesn’t help him.

14. Anxious, Ellen calls Roger and her daughters’ school to confirm their safety. Roger doesn’t answer his phone. Daughters not in class yet.

15. Ellen rejects a substitute host and continues her show while waiting for Roger to call back.

16. Det. Jack Sorensen interrogates a man suspected of killing his family. The man confesses but swears he was forced to kill them by someone named Simon.

17. Sorensen gets the assignment to investigate the threatening phone call from Jason. He considers it nothing more than an “obscene phone call.” A nothing case.

18. Ellen receives a text from Roger relieving her concerns, but doesn’t question it authenticity

19. Claire answers a call from Ryan, who suffers from identity crisis. Claire puts him on the caller list.

20. Sorensen arrives at station to interview Ellen. He learns a) Roger confirmed he’s okay by a text, b) Jason suffers from DID and is under another doctor’s care and c) the husband’s cell number and the number Jason used to call the station

21. Sorensen, suspicious of events, asks his lieutenant to confirm Ellen’s daughters arrived at school

22. Ellen takes the call from Ryan (antagonist) who tells her he’s a “First Time Caller,” and they begin their confrontation.

23. Sorensen contacts Sullivan, Jason’s doctor. He learns a) Jason attempted suicide during a session with Ellen and b) he had as many doctors as he had identities and c) Ellen never met Jason. She treated William, one of Jason’s alters d) Jason has a sister in Memphis, e) Sullivan is arrogant

24. Ryan reveals his connection to Jason during his conversation with Ellen

25. Sorensen learns Ellen’s daughters never made It to school. And the phone number Jason used to call the station belongs to Ellen’s husband.

26. Ryan reveals himself to Ellen, that he’s kidnapped her family and intends to kill one every hour unless she can suppress Jason’s identity by the end of her show

27. Sorensen begins investigation to find husband’s GPS and the Uber driver

28. Ryan reveals he and Det. Sorensen have crossed paths before and mentions Simon from the earlier interrogation

29. Cops have located GPS on husband’s phone at the Uber driver’s home. SWAT enroute. Ellen agrees to stall.

30. At Uber drive’s home, driver is dead and husband phone is forwarding call

31. Ryan kills Roger on air at the top of the hour as promised, and Ellen collapses having failed

32. Ellen tells Sorensen she has Jason’s patient file on her computer. She now wants to get him.

33. Jerry, station owner, argues that Ellen is the hottest radio show on air right now, but Peter refuses to capitalize, even though TV vans are showing up outside.

34. Ellen resumes her show and meets Bobby, Jason’s 10-year-old alter, on the line. She tries to trick him into telling where he is. He doesn’t. He tells Ellen about his dog Spotty. Ryan is still there. He has a gun.

35. Sorensen retrieves file, we see Jason’s picture for the first time.

36. Jason’s sister speaks to Jason. She mentions the friends Jason used to live with in San Francisco.

37. Ellen confronts Ryan and decides to introduce him to William

38. Dr. Sullivan, working with the team, warns everyone against her dangerous plan, including Sorensen. Sorensen tells him it’s Ellen’s show.

39. Ellen brings William forward. William tells he “sees” Ryan smiling

40. Ellen tries to manipulate William that Ryan and the others are whispering and conspiring against him as before and push him to suicide. When he refuses, Sullivan explains that William is not suicidal, he’s a psychopath, like Ryan, and now she’s dealing with two.

41. Ryan thanks Ellen for introducing him to William, but she didn’t honor the deal and intends to killer her daughters.

42. Uniformed police locate an animal shelter where Jason/Bobby cared for Spotty the dog.

43. Sorensen learns from his lieutenant that Spotty is owned by one of Jason’s friends mention by his sister. SWAT again is en route to the home. He tells Ellen, but it’s her call.

44. Ellen ignores the news and presses William and Ryan into conflict using hooks from her first session with William

45. Sullivan suggests the two alters are interacting together like two separate people

46. William tells Ellen he can’t feel the gun in his hand, Ryan won’t surrender it

47. Ellen screams at William to shoot himself, and the gun fires.

48. SWAT finds Jason dead. The girls alive.

49. In the aftermath, Sorensen’s teams questions how mental patient like Jason could have masterminded this crime. Lieutenant suggests it wasn’t Jason. It was Ryan, the alter.

50. Sorensen then learns Jason was being held for observation at a clinic for two weeks, and he puts the pieces together that prove Jason could not have been the mastermind. (VO of all the “hook” statements the characters make through the film)

51. Another radio station receives a call from Ryan a week later. “I’m a long-time listener. And a first-time caller.” END

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Logline and One-Sentence Phone Pitch

Title: First Time Caller

What I learned:

The logline is the overall story, but the phone pitch must hook the producer’s interest and curiosity in the shortest possible time, providing a vision of the script and film.

Loglines

A. Protagonist _ Problem _ Goal

A radio psychologist battles a psychotic caller suffering from multiple personalities to save her kidnapped family from being murdered by the end of her show.

B. Protagonist _ Goal _ Major Obstacle

A radio psychologist fights to save her kidnapped family from a psychotic caller with multiple personalities who threatens to execute one member every hour until the end of her show.

C. Situation _ Major Character _ Largest Obstacle _ Outcome

The psychotic identity of a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychologist and threatens to kill one member of her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can suppress the patient’s real identity by the end of the show.

Phone Pitch

First Time Caller is Dr. Laura versus Hannibal Lecter.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Marketable Components

What I learned:

Learning the multiple elements of marketing, I reevaluated my script and tried to create a one sentence pitch using as many of the components as possible.

Logline

The psychotic personality of a man suffering from dissociative identity disorder calls a radio psychologist and threatens to kill one member of her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can persuade the man’s conscious personality to surrender control by the end of the show.

Marketable Components

A. Unique

F. Edgy

G. Wide Audience Appeal

J. A Great Role for a Bankable Actor

The film is a race against time psychological thriller experienced through the tortured emotions of a struggling radio psychologist forced to become the empowered savior of her family by violating her Hippocratic Oath and pushing a psychotic patient to commit suicide on air.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana is expanding his network

What I learned:

I grew up during an era when you didn’t want anyone to know what you were doing, especially parents. Social media is contrary to that privacy. I have a private Facebook page with only 60 family and friends, a Twitter account I never used, and an old LinkedIn page I used for my last career.

I need to learn to like social media.

My Plan

Finish my script!

Manage and update new business pages on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and integrate them to work in unison with each other.

Expand my list of producers, directors, and industry professionals on my accounts.

Network family and friends with connections to producers

Market my first ten pages

Be proactive marketing myself on social media

Twitter Address

https://twitter.com/dana_abbott

Producers

Jason Blum

Ryan Turek

Christopher McQuarrie

Mike Flannagan

Scott Derrickson

Robert Rodriguez

Experience

None. This is a brand-new experience for me. I need to become familiar and comfortable with this process.

Tweets by dana_abbott

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Network

What I learned:

I need to improve my network to better market myself on social media.

MY NETWORK

ProSeries

C2: Lisa

C2: Cam

C2: Michael

C2: Dev

C2: June

C2: Matthew

C2: Kate

C2: Antonio

C2: Alice

C2: C. Holmes

SU Alumni

C2: Hal

C2: Cheryl

Industry Groups

Producers/Directors/Writers/Agents

C4: Jason

C4: Eric

C2: Frank

C2: Brian

C2: Samir

C2: Susie

C2: Ryan R.

C2: George

C2: Micheal

C2: Tony

C2: Ryan M.

C2: Nicole

C2: Ameila

C2: Valeria

C2: Dorsey

C2: Laura

LinkedIn

C1: 312 people

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Marketing Campaign

What I learned:

I need to learn how to pitch/sell myself as a screenwriter. Not only to promote my script, but to promote my writing talent to get paid writing assignments from producers/directors.

Campaign

To sell my high-concept, low-budget script First Time Caller within the next year to a producer and/or production house for theatrical or streaming release.

Strategy

Contact producers, directors, and production companies that produce similar high-concept, low-budget films.

Tactics

Target and send query letters to:

1) producers that produce high-concept, low budget thrillers

2) producers that specialize in films with female lead characters

3) actors with production companies looking for films that empower women

Prepare written outlines, treatments (1-3 pages), 2-minutes pitch materials, and 10-minute pitch materials for producers who return interest in my script. (Be prepared!)

Network friends and family working in the industry that have connections to producers, directors, and production houses.

Build and maintain a social network on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter and communicate with industry insiders.

Review materials from the “How go Get Paid Writing Assignments” ScreenwritingU course.

Submit my current script to independent film festival competitions (Sundance, Tribeca, Final Draft)

Attend pitch festivals and events

Contact and pitch my script to local film companies with connections to major studios and streaming networks (Netfilx, Prime).

Participate in pitch and networking practice events on ScreenwritingU.

Continue to improve my screenwriting abilities.

Keep writing.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!

[Dana Abbott]

ProSeries 81 – Marketing

Day 2 – Target Your Market

PS81 – Dana’s Target Market

What I learned:

To target my screenplay by mass marketing is not the best venue for a high concept script. I need to target producers who have successfully produced films within my chosen genre, especially those who have produced films similar in nature to my own. And while most doors may not be open to me, I need to find the 20 doors I can walk through.

Title:

First Time Caller

Logline:

The psychotic personality of a man suffering from dissociative identity disorder calls a radio psychologist and threatens to kill one member of her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can persuade the man’s conscious personality to surrender control by the end of the show.

Genre: Thriller

Movies: Saw, Black Phone, Split, Phone Booth, Panic Room

Actors:

Rooney Mara, Bryce Dallas Howard, Zoe Saldana, Elizabeth Moss, Kiera Allen

Producers:

Saw

Lark Bernini associate producer

Peter Block executive producer

Mark Burg producer

Jason Constantine executive producer

Daniel J. Heffner co-producer

Gregg Hoffman producer

Oren Koules producer

Richard H. Prince co-producer

Stacey Testro executive producer

Black Phone

Jason Blum producer

C. Robert Cargill producer

Scott Derrickson producer

Joe Hill executive producer

Jennifer Scudder Trent co-producer

Ryan Turek executive producer

Christopher H. Warner executive producer

Split

Marc Bienstock producer

Jason Blum producer

Dom Catanzarite associate producer

Kevin Scott Frakes executive producer

Buddy Patrick executive producer

Ashwin Rajan executive producer

Steven Schneider executive producer

M. Night Shyamalan producer

Phone Booth

Ted Kurdyla executive producer

Gil Netter producer

Eli Richbourg associate producer

David Zucker producer

Panic Room

Ceán Chaffin producer

John S. Dorsey associate producer

Judy Hofflund producer

David Koepp producer

Gavin Polone producer

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Project and Market

What I learned:

I need to be businessman and screenwriter. I need to consider the business side of scriptwriting and film making during the concept phase to increase the potential for selling my scripts. I also need to learn how to sell myself as a screenwriter as well as my work, which may lead to writing assignments.

Title: First Time Caller

Genre: Thriller

Logline: (I rewrote my logline as my script developed)

The psychotic personality of a man suffering from dissociative identity disorder calls a radio psychologist and threatens to kill one member of her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can persuade the man’s conscious personality to surrender control by the end of the show.

What’s most attractive about the story?

The most attractive element of the story is the psychological battle between the antagonist and the protagonist and that drives them to a life-or-death conclusion.

Primary Target: Producer

My best avenue for success is to market my current script to producers. The script is a low budget, high concept thriller with franchise potential. The script features strong female and male lead characters, and a good psychotic character that will carry the franchise.

Secondary Target: Manager

I have several first draft scripts I intend polish into a professional portfolio before I pursue management.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – First Ten Pages

Version 3

Dana’s First 10 Pages

FADE IN:
Darkness.
MAN’S VOICE
Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?
WOMAN’S VOICE
Tell me.
MAN’S VOICE
This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.
The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY seated in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.
She’s a petite, winsome woman in her mid-thirties, and if not for her short raven hair and Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.
ELLEN
You’re not allowed to exist? Why?
MAN (O.S.)
Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends his time with the others.
ELLEN
The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?
MAN (O.S.)
My life is very crowded.
ELLEN
How many others are there?
MAN (O.S.)
It’s hard for me to keep track. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.
ELLEN
Are you and your partner engaged in a polyamorous arrangement?
MAN (O.S.)
Polyamorous. What an elegant word.
(beat)
To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — hairs on the back of my neck. My sixth sense.
ELLEN
Have you told your partner how you feel?
MAN (O.S.)
Words falling on deaf ears.
ELLEN
You have a right to your own voice. Your own identity.
MAN (O.S.)
If it were only that simple…
ELLEN
Nothing is simple, especially when you’re not happy. Maybe you should take a break, some time to decide what you want — for both of you.
MAN (O.S.)
You mean surrender?
ELLEN
A break is a chance to breathe, an opportunity to step back and see things from a distance.
Ellen notes a sudden change in her patient’s mood.
MAN (O.S.)
They got to you, didn’t they?
ELLEN
Excuse me?
MAN (O.S.)
That’s it, isn’t it? You’re talking to them. They want me gone. This is an intervention.
ELLEN
What? No. Why would you think that?
MAN (O.S.)
I trusted you, doctor. I bore my soul to you. And you betray me?
ELLEN
I would never betray our trust.
MAN (O.S.)
They’ve heard my every thought. My secrets. And now they’re scared of me… afraid of what I might do.
ELLEN
What might you do?
MAN (O.S.)
They want to disappear me. Drag me down… after I crawled my way out from that hell. And you’re helping them.
Ellen’s losing control of her patient, growing anxious.
ELLEN
That isn’t true. You need to calm down.
MAN (O.S.)
Do you know how it feels to wander the abyss? Abandoned? Lost? To hear them whispering from the shadows… conspiring… beyond reach?
ELLEN
Who’s conspiring? Who’s whispering?
MAN (O.S.)
If I leave this room, I’ll cease to exist. I know that now… banished to the dark… their hands, cold on me… so cold…
ELLEN
Who? Who will banish you? Tell me.
MAN (O.S.)
They will. They’ll win. He’ll let them. He always lets them…
ELLEN
Win what? Who’s they?
MAN (O.S.)
I can’t let them win. I won’t. Not this time… not again… not again.
Curious, Ellen watches him FUMBLE for something. Her eyes suddenly go wild in fear and shock. BANG! A small caliber pistol FIRES! His body FLOPS to the floor.
We HEAR the door BURST open. A woman GASPS. People flock to the room. VOICES — “Oh, dear God!” “Ellen!” “Someone call the cops!” “Ellen? Are you hurt?” “Ellen?” “Call the cops!”
FADE TO BLACK:
INT. SMALL ROOM – NIGHT
…someone CREAKING down wooden stairs. A slide bolt SLAMS BACK, and a door opens. A shaft of light from the outer room reveals a hanging BULB. A hand yanks a pull chain, and the bulb lights the room.
CHAINS AND SHACKLES drop to the floor. A MAN, unseen, wraps and padlocks one of the chains to a heavy exposed pipe and tests it with a tug.
He places a portable radio on a table and checks reception. The radio CHIRPS. He adjusts the volume. Off again.
He yanks the pull chain, the BULB goes out. The door CLOSES. Darkness again. The slide bolt LOCKS into place.
INT. BASEMENT (OUTER ROOM) – NIGHT
Dim lighting. Lots of shadows. Stone walls.
He flips open a laptop and turns it on.
One by one, he lays cell phones in a line. They look stolen. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope, knife, and a .38 special follow.
…CREAKING up wooden stairs. Lights go out. The basement door CLOSES. Darkness.
CUT TO:
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING
A brisk day. Tjhe Bay Bridge is packed. The city is alive. A series of NEWS UPDATES like someone tuning channels.
RADIO HOST 1 (V.O.)
— west-bound across the Bay Bridge is backed-up due to a fender-bender in the number four lane. CHP is on scene, but expect delays —
RADIO HOST 2 (V.O.)
— won five to four from a walk-off home run in the ninth —
Closing in on a small building with a radio tower.
RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)
…a high of seventy-six with the overnight in the mid-forties —
EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – EXTABLISHING – MORNING
RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)
That’s news, traffic and weather. I’m Mike Wells, KCSF, thirteen-sixty AM, San Francisco. And now, back to the Barry Wise Show…
Bumper music, CCR’s “Fortunate Son,” starts playing and —
INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
— continues on the wall speaker. PETER WHITE, KCSF station manager, mid-fifties, wedding ring, heavyset, years of radio experience, turns the volume down. He wears a phone headset and talks with JERRY BURNS, his boss.
PETER
Her ratings aren’t that bad.
JERRY
They’re not that good, either. The twenty to thirty demo isn’t tuning in. And her weekend audience didn’t follow her.
PETER
Maybe another marketing campaign. Have her do some guest spots.
JERRY
Marketing isn’t the problem, Pete. And you know it. She’s not confrontational. And radio needs conflict.
PETER
Yeah, I know.
JERRY
Look, I get it. She’s your friend, and you want to help her, especially after what happened. But her ratings are too low. I can’t justify picking up her option.
PETER
No, I understand. I do.
JERRY
You’re a great station manager, Pete. But don’t let friendship cloud your judgment. It’s only business.
Jerry hangs up. Pete drops the headset to his desk, dejected.
EXT. PARKING LOT, KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS
An SUV bounds into the lot and ZOOMS into a space. The door kicks open, and Ellen drops out. She slings an enormous purse and computer bag and dashes for the doors, swiping at the coffee-stain map of South America on her skirt.
INT. RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS
CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, the overbearing mom who never misses a Woodstock reunion, is in full mother mode when Ellen comes through the door. She shuffles Ellen through reception.
CLAIRE
Where have you been? I called you an hour ago.
ELLEN
Mackenzie wouldn’t get out of bed. Samantha forgot to do her homework. Roger’s car wouldn’t start —
CLAIRE
Never mind that. Give me those —
She grabs Ellen’s purs and computer bag.
ELLEN
How late am I?
CLAIRE
Just hurry.
(noting the stain)
What happened there?
ELLEN
My Starbucks slipped.
CLAIRE
Well… he’s a man. He won’t care.
GAIL SIMMONS, the model receptionist, watches the twosome scurry across the lobby, shaking her head, amused.
INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – DAY
Peter answers his phone when RINGS.
PETER
Yes? Okay. Send her in.
(hangs up)
Shit.
EXT. STATION ROOFTOP – DAY
Claire stands at the edge smoking. She pushes a long, steady stream like a pro.
CLAIRE
Shit.
Claire passes her smoke to Ellen.
CLAIRE (CONT’D)
Bunch of cutthroat fuckers.
Ellen takes a puff, sucking in her cheeks — total amateur. She frowns at the taste and can’t pass it back fast enough.
ELLEN
(coughing smoke)
Do you think I’m hiding?
CLAIRE
Is that what Pete said?
ELLEN
He mentioned private practice.
CLAIRE
Don’t let these assholes shake you. You’re a good person, Ellen. And a good psychologist.
ELLEN
I don’t connect with people anymore, not like I used to. I tell them what they want to hear to avoid conflict.
CLAIRE
Because of what happened?
ELLEN
Before…
CLAIRE
You’ll go back when you’re ready.
Ellen’s cell phone BUZZES in her hand. She reads the screen.
ELLEN
It’s Roger. I told him I’d call after my meeting with Pete.
CLAIRE
Let it go to voicemail. Don’t punish yourself.
Ellen ponders the idea, then answers the call. We HEAR the other end of the call, loud and airy, lots of road noise.
ELLEN
Hi, Honey.
ROGER
Hi, Babe. Hold on.
(to someone else)
Say hello to Mommy.

ELLEN
Where are you?
ROGER
Uber. My car wouldn’t start again. Alternator. Generator. Who knows? I called the school and told them the girls would be late. Just a sec..
(to driver)
You missed the turn. We’re going to the school first. You need to turn around.
(back to Ellen)
So? What did Pete say? Good news?
ELLEN
(reluctantly)
Yeah. It was good news.
CHEERING on the other end. Ellen holds back her emotions.
ROGER
Oh, babe! That’s great! We knew you could do it. We need to celebrate tonight. How about it, girls? What should we get Mommy for dinner?

ROGER
Looks like pizza, babe.
ELLEN
Pizza sounds great. I’ll see you tonight. I have to start my show.
ROGER
Okay. Love you, babe. We’re proud of you. Say goodbye to Mommy.

ELLEN
I love you, too.
The call ends. Ellen looks to Claire, heavy-hearted.
CLAIRE
They’ll understand.
ELLEN
I hate lying to my daughters. I didn’t want to disappoint them.
CLAIRE
You’re not a real mother unless you do lie to your kids.
Claire hands Ellen the cigarette. A quick puff and back it goes. They share a reflective moment, gazing across the bay.
CLAIRE (CONT’D)
One caller. That’s all we needed. Just one caller.
One last drag, and Claire flicks her cigarette over the edge.
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen settles in behind the microphone. She adjusts her chair height — way up — and fidgets with her headphone.
Through the glass, Claire is ready in the control booth.
CLAIRE
(over headphone)
Ten seconds.
Ellen’s bumper MUSIC starts, something modern. As it fades —
ELLEN
Good morning, and welcome to the Dr. Ellen Show. We’re on the couch together for the next three hours. So let’s settle in and go right to the phones. Our first caller is Sandy from Marina. Hello, Sandy. Let’s talk —
INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
Claire’s hits a blinking line on the phone bank.
CLAIRE
Dr. Ellen Show? What’s your name and where are you calling from?
MAN’S VOICE
(weak, frail)
I need to speak with Dr. Ellen.
CLAIRE
I need your name?
JASON
My name’s Jason. Please… I have to speak with Dr. Ellen. It’s life or death.
Claire’s heard them all. But this throws her.
CLAIRE
Life or death, huh?
JASON
Please…
Claire hesitates, debating. Her FINGER taps the KILL BUTTON. She looks through the glass at ELLEN engaged with her caller. We can see Claire’s mind working: “That one caller”
GAIL
Hold on. I’ll slot you in next.
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS
Ellen is finishing with her first caller.
ELLEN
— you and your husband have every right to celebrate your anniversary by yourselves, Sandy. But he needs to establish boundaries, otherwise, your mother-in-law will be in the hot tub with you at Sandals every year. Good luck.
She kills the call and reads the caller screen.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
Okay, our next caller is Jason. And he says it’s —
(to Claire; what the hell)
— a matter of life or death…
Hello, Jason. Let’s talk.
JASON
Dr. Ellen? This is Jason…
ELLEN
Life or death. That sounds serious. What seems to be the problem?
JASON
Don’t you remember me? I used to be one of your patients.
The name strikes Ellen, and she freezes, immediately worried. Claire realizes she’s screwed up.
JASON (CONT’D)
Dr. Ellen? Are you still there?
ELLEN
Yes. I’m here. I didn’t recognize your voice. But Jason. I’m sorry. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to continue this call —
JASON
DON’T HANG UP! Please…
(more controlled)
You have to help me or he’ll hurt them… he’ll hurt them.
ELLEN
Jason? Who’s going to be hurt? Are you in trouble? Who’s hurting who?
JASON
Your family… he’s going to hurt your family…
Ellen shoots panicked eyes at Claire.
ELLEN
My family? What about my family? Who’s going to hurt them? Jason?
JASON
If you don’t help me, he said he’ll hurt them. He wants to hurt them — so bad.
(crying now)
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!
A SCUFFLE. Someone fighting.
JASON (CONT’D)
No! I won’t do that. You can’t make me! You can’t MAKE ME! No! NO!
Ellen presses the headset tight, concentrating on the sudden violence. The line goes dead.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Ready to Critique

HELP! I have been struggling with my first ten pages. I’ve been cutting and editing, and what I have posted is far from perfect. I am beyond 10 pages. But I needed to get this out there for critique.

I am thinking I need to restructure the opening, and rather than having Jason call and threaten Ellen’s family, have Ryan, the psychopathic alter, call Ellen to threaten her family. This would mean rewriting the outline and the script from the beginning.

Questions:

Do I dump the opening scene and begin with Ellen receiving the bad news she’s been cancelled?

Do I start the first scene with Ellen taking the call from the psychotic alter who threatens her family with a cryptic message: “It’s 9:48. Do you know where your family is?” A teaser for what’s to come?

Please, give me your opinions. I would live to exchange critiques to give myself something else to think about. Thank you.

SYNPOSIS

Ellen Landry is a radio psychologist who receives a call from a previous patient suffering from DID. The psychotic alter threatens to kill Ellen’s kidnapped family if she doesn’t convince her patient to surrender control to him or one of his other identities.

FIRST TEN PAGES

FADE IN:

Over DARKNESS, we HEAR two people talking.

MAN’S VOICE

Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?

WOMAN’S VOICE

Tell me.

MAN’S VOICE

This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.

The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.

She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties with short raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.

ELLEN

What makes you feel that way?

MAN (O.S.)

Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends most of his time with the others.

ELLEN

The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?

MAN (O.S.)

My life is very crowded. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.

ELLEN

Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?

MAN (O.S.)

Polyamorous. What an elegant word.

ELLEN

You’re avoiding the question.

MAN (O.S.)

You noticed.

(beat)

To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.

ELLEN

Have you told your partner how you feel?

MAN (O.S.)

He has deaf ears.

ELLEN

You have a right to your own voice. It’s your relationship, too.

MAN (O.S.)

If it were only that simple…

ELLEN

Maybe it is. If you’re not happy, you should consider a break. Take time to decide what you want for the both of you.

MAN (O.S.)

You mean surrender?

ELLEN

A break isn’t surrender. It’s an opportunity to breathe, to take a step back and see things from the distance.

A long beat. Ellen notices his mood suddenly change.

MAN (O.S.)

They got to you, didn’t they?

ELLEN

Excuse me?

MAN (O.S.)

That’s it, isn’t it? You’re talking to them. They want me gone. This is an intervention.

ELLEN

What? No. Why would you think that?

MAN (O.S.)

I trusted you, doctor. I bore my soul to you. And you betray me?

ELLEN

Never. I’d never betray our trust.

MAN (O.S.)

They’ve heard my every thought. My secrets. And now they’re scared of me… afraid of what I might do.

Anxious, Ellen realizes she losing control of her patient.

ELLEN

What might you do?

MAN (O.S.)

They want to disappear me. Drag me back… after I crawled my way out from that hell. And you’re helping them.

ELLEN

That isn’t true. You need to calm down.

MAN (O.S.)

Do you know how it feels to wander in the abyss? Abandoned? Lost? To hear them whisper from the shadows? Conspiring… beyond reach?

ELLEN

This is making me nervous. I think we should stop here for the day.

MAN (O.S.)

I can’t allow that. If I leave this room, they’ll win. I know that now. I’d be banished to the dark… their hands, cold on me…

ELLEN

You have to stop this now.

MAN (O.S.)

Yes… I do.

Ellen’s eyes go wild in shock as — BANG! — a small caliber pistol FIRES. The man’s body FLOPS to the floor. A beat.

We HEAR the door BURST open. A woman GASPS. “Oh, my God!” People flock into the room. VOICES — “Ellen! Oh, dear God. Ellen!” “Someone call the cops!” “Ellen? Are you hurt?” “Call the ambulance!” “Someone call the police!”

FADE TO BLACK:

SOMEONE WALKS DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT FROM OUTSIDE. A MAN YANKS A PULL CHAIN AND A LIGHTBULB BLINKS ON.

INT. SMALL ROOM – NIGHT

Windowless. Stone walls. Exposed pipes.

CHAINS AND SHACKLES DROP to the floor. The MAN, unseen, wraps and padlocks a chain to a heavy pipe. He wraps another and tests the lock with a tug.

He sets a portable radio on a table and extends the antenna. He tests the reception. The radio CHIRPS. Off again.

He yanks the pull chain. The LIGHTBULB blinks off. The door CLOSES. Darkness again. The bolt LOCKS into place.

INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

Dim lighting. Lots of shadows.

He flips open a laptop on a table, plugs it into a socket.

One by one, he lays cell phones out in a line. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope, a hunting knife, and a .38 special follow.

We HEAR him WALK UPSTAIRS. The lights go out. The basement door CLOSES. DARKNESS.

CUT TO:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING

A brisk day. The city is alive. We HEAR a series of NEWS UPDATES like someone flipping channels.

RADIO HOST 1 (V.O.)

…west-bound across the Bay Bridge is backed-up due to a stalled SUV in the number four lane. CHP is on scene, but expect delays…

RADIO HOST 2 (V.O.)

…won five to four from a walk-off home run by Stagnetti in the bottom of the ninth…

Closing in on a small office building with a radio tower.

RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)

…clear with a high of seventy-six and an overnight dropping into the mid-forties.

EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – EXTABLISHING – MORNING

RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)

And that’s news, traffic and weather. I’m Mike Wells, KCSF, thirteen-sixty AM, San Francisco.

Bumper music, CCR’s “Fortunate Son,” starts playing —

INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

CCR continues on the wall speaker. PETER WHITE, KCSF station manager, mid-fifties, wedding ring, heavyset, years of radio experience, turns the volume down. He wears a phone headset while talking with JERRY BURNS, his boss.

PETER

Her ratings aren’t that bad.

JERRY

They’re not that good, either. The twenty to thirty demo isn’t tuning in. And her nighttime audience didn’t follow.

PETER

Maybe another marketing campaign. Have her do some guest spots.

JERRY

Marketing isn’t the problem, Pete. And you know it. She’s just not confrontational. And radio needs conflict.

PETER

Yeah, I know… I know.

JERRY

Look, I get it. She’s your friend, and you wanted to help her, we both did, especially after what happened. But her ratings are flat. And I need to sell advertising. I can’t justify picking up her option.

PETER

No, I understand. I do.

JERRY

You’re a great station manager, Pete. But don’t let friendship cloud your judgment. It’s just business.

PETER

I’ll tell here when she gets in.

Jerry hangs up. Pete removes the headset, dejected.

EXT. PARKING LOT, KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS

An SUV bounds into the lot and zooms into a space. Ellen kicks open the door and drops out. She slings an oversized purse and computer bag and dashes to the doors, swiping at the coffee-stain map of South America on her skirt.

INT. RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, is everybody’s overbearing mom — no paint, no polish. She never misses a Woodstock reunion. She’s in full mother mode when Ellen comes through the door and shuffles her through reception.

CLAIRE

Where have you been? I called you thirty minutes ago.

ELLEN

Mackenzie refused to get out of bed. Samantha forgot to do her homework. Roger’s car wouldn’t start — again…

CLAIRE

Never mind. Give me those —

She grabs Ellen’s purse and computer bag.

ELLEN

How late am I?

CLAIRE

Just hurry.

(noting the stain)

What happened there?

ELLEN

My Starbucks slipped.

CLAIRE

Well… He’s a man. He won’t care.

GAIL SIMMONS, the model receptionist, watches the twosome scurry across the lobby, shaking her head, amused.

INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

A RAP on the door, barely audible. From his desk, Peter looks up, takes a breath, releases a guilt-ridden sigh.

PETER

Shit.

EXT. STATION ROOFTOP – DAY

Claire stands near the edge smoking. She pushes out a long, steady stream like a pro.

CLAIRE

Shit.

Claire and passes her smoke to Ellen.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

New owners. They want a fast return on their investment.

Ellen takes a puff, sucking in her cheeks — total amateur. She frowns at the taste.

ELLEN

How do you smoke these?

CLAIRE

They keep my weight down.

Ellen can’t pass it back fast enough.

ELLEN

Do you think I’m hiding?

CLAIRE

Because of what happened?

(Ellen nods)

You’ll go back when you’re ready.

ELLEN

Sometimes I feel like I’m holding back. That I tell people what they want to hear to avoid the conflict.

CLAIRE

You’re a good person, Ellen. And you’re a good psychologist. You want to help people.

(beat)

But this is radio. And we’re just a bunch of cutthroat fuckers.

Claire takes another drag on her cigarette. A reflective moment, both ladies staring off into the city.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

One caller. That’s all we needed. Just one caller.

Claire flicks the cigarette off the edge.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen fidgets with her chair, adjusting the height way up. She puts on her headphones and settles in at the microphone.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Claire, headset on, gets ready — adjusting the sound board, checking the caller screen.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen’s cell phone BUZZES. The screen reads ROGER. She stares at it, reluctant to answer. Through the glass, Claire notes her reluctance.

CLAIRE

(over headset)

You’ve got three minutes.

Ellen answer the call on speaker. The sound is loud and airy, lots of road noise. Roger is almost yelling.

ELLEN

Hi, Honey.

ROGER

Hi, Babe. Hold on.

(to someone else)

Say hello to mommy.

ELLEN

Where are you guys?

ROGER

Uber.

ROGER

I called the school and told them they’d be late.

(to driver)

No. Wait. You missed the turn. We’re going to the school first.

(back to Ellen)

The girls wanted to call and find out. So? Did you get it?

Ellen falters. She looks a Claire.

ELLEN

Yeah. I got the job.

CHEERING on the other end. Ellen holds her feelings back.

ROGER

Oh, babe! That’s great! We knew you could do it. Look! Let’s celebrate tonight. How about it, girls? What should we get mommy for dinner?

ROGER

Looks like pizza, babe.

ELLEN

Pizza sounds great.

(tearing up)

I have to do my show now.

ROGER

Okay. Love you, babe. We’re proud of you. Say goodbye to mommy.

ELLEN

Love you, too. See you tonight.

The call ends. She looks to Claire, heavy-hearted.

CLAIRE

They’ll understand.

(glances the time)

Okay. Ten seconds. Here we go.

Ellen’s bumper MUSIC starts, something modern. As the music fades, we start moving to the digital clock on the wall.

ELLEN

Good morning, and welcome to the Dr. Ellen Show. We’re going to be together for the next three hours. And it looks like we have a lot to discuss today. So let’s settle in and get right to the phones…

(beat)

Hello? You’re on the air with Dr. Ellen…

The clock reads 9:06.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The clock reads 9:48.

Ellen is finishing up with her last caller.

ELLEN

— you and your husband have every right to celebrate your anniversary by yourselves, Sandy. But he needs to establish boundaries with his mother. Otherwise, she’ll be in the hot tub with you at Sandals every year.

(she kills the call)

Claire? Who’s are next caller?

CLAIRE

(through headset)

We have Jason. And he’s having difficulty with a friend.

ELLEN

Good morning, Jason. This is Dr. Ellen. Let’s talk.

JASON

(nervous)

Dr. Ellen? This is Jason…

Ellen listens, expecting more.

ELLEN

Hello, Jason. And what seems to be the problem?

JASON

Don’t you remember me? I used to be one of your patients.

The name strikes Ellen, and she freezes. She looks to Claire through the glass. Her expression tells Claire everything, and there’s an instant understanding.

JASON (CONT’D)

Dr. Ellen? Are you still there?

ELLEN

— Yes. I’m still here.

(beat)

Jason. It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to continue this call. If you give my producer your number —

JASON

DON’T HANG UP!

(controlled)

Please… If you hang up, he’ll hurt them.

ELLEN

Who, Jason? Who is he going to hurt? Can you tell me?

JASON

(crying now)

Your family. He’s going to hurt your family.

Stunned, Ellen shoots disbelieving look to Claire.

ELLEN

My family? Who’s going to hurt my family? Jason?

JASON

If you don’t help me, he says he’s going to hurt one of them.

(beat)

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!

Ellen and Claire cast disbelieving glances at each other. Before Ellen can respond.

JASON (CONT’D)

(to another person)

No! I won’t! You can’t make me! You can’t MAKE ME!

(beat)

No! No…!

A SCUFFLE. Someone fighting.

Mystified, Ellen presses the headset tight, concentrating on the sudden violence.

JASON (CONT’D)

No. NO!

The line goes dead.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Rough Draft

What I learned doing this assignment

I only have one page to grab my reader, which means increasing the conflict to provoke emotion by using extreme, loaded words.

FIRST PAGE ONLY

FADE IN:

Over DARKNESS, we HEAR one person counseling another.
MAN’S VOICE

Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?

WOMAN’S VOICE

Tell me.

MAN’S VOICE

This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.

The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.

She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties with short raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.

ELLEN

What makes you feel that way?

MAN (O.S.)

Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends most of his time with the others.

ELLEN

The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?

MAN (O.S.)

My life is very crowded. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets bored or depressed.

ELLEN

Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?

MAN (O.S.)

Polyamorous. What an elegant word.

ELLEN

You’re avoiding my question.

MAN (O.S.)

You noticed.

(beat)

To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Rough Draft

What I learned doing this assignment

The first ten pages are a blueprint for what’s to come, so I need to be judicious in my writing. My first ten pages must be tight and to the point of the story. I have limited time to grab the reader/audience.

FIRST TEN PAGES

FADE IN:

Over DARKNESS, we HEAR two people talking.

MAN’S VOICE

Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?

WOMAN’S VOICE

Tell me.

MAN’S VOICE

This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.

The darkness fades to reveal —

DR. ELLEN LANDRY, a petite, winsome woman in her mid-thirties with short raven hair that whisks her shoulders. If not for her Valentino power suit, one could imagine her sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.

She sits in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office, counseling a patient across from her.

ELLEN

What makes you say that?

MAN (O.S.)

Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends his time with the others.

ELLEN

The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?

MAN (O.S.)

My life is very crowded. He pursues alternatives whenever he gets bored or depressed.

ELLEN

Are you engaged in a polyamorous arrangement with your partner?

MAN (O.S.)

Polyamorous. What an elegant word. I like that.

(beat)

To be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. But they’re there, always at his ready. I feel them — like hairs on the back of my neck. A sixth sense.

ELLEN

Have you told your partner how you feel?

MAN (O.S.)

I doubt he would listen… or care.

ELLEN

You have a right to your own voice. It’s your relationship, too.

MAN (O.S.)

If it were only that simple…

ELLEN

You’re obviously not happy. Maybe you should consider a break. Take some time to decide what you want — for the both of you.

MAN (O.S.)

You mean surrender?

ELLEN

A break isn’t surrender. It’s an opportunity to breathe, to take a step back and see things from the distance.

A long beat. Then —

MAN (O.S.)

They got to you, didn’t they?

ELLEN

Excuse me?

MAN (O.S.)

That’s it, isn’t it? You’re talking to them. They want me gone. This is an intervention.

ELLEN

What? No. Why would you think that?

MAN (O.S.)

I trusted you, doctor. I bore my soul to you. And you betray me?

ELLEN

I would never betray your trust.

MAN (O.S.)

They’ve heard my every thought. My secrets. And now they’re scared of me… afraid of what I might do.

Growing anxious. Ellen’s losing control of her patient.

ELLEN

What might you do?

MAN (O.S.)

They want to disappear me. Drag me back… after I crawled my way out from that hell. And you’re helping them.

ELLEN

That’s not true. You need to calm down.

MAN (O.S.)

Do you know how it feels to wander in the abyss? Abandoned? Lost? To hear them whisper from the shadows? Conspiring… beyond reach?

ELLEN

This is making me nervous. I think we should stop here for the day.

MAN (O.S.)

I can’t allow that. If I leave this room, they’ll win. I know that now. They’ll banish me to the dark… I can feel their hands, cold on me…

ELLEN

You have to stop this now.

MAN (O.S.)

Yes… I do.

Ellen’s eyes go wild in shock as — BANG! — a small caliber pistol FIRES. The man’s body FLOPS to the floor. A beat.

We HEAR the door BURST open. A woman GASPS. “Oh, my God!” People flock into the room. VOICES — “Ellen! Oh, dear God. Ellen!” “Someone call the cops!” “Ellen? Are you hurt?” “Call the ambulance!” “Someone call the police!”

FADE TO BLACK:

SOMEONE WALKS DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT FROM OUTSIDE. A MAN YANKS A PULL CHAIN AND A LIGHTBULB BLINKS ON.

INT. SMALL ROOM – NIGHT

Windowless. Stone walls. Exposed pipes. Grimy.

CHAINS AND SHACKLES DROP to the floor. The MAN, unseen, wraps and padlocks a chain to a heavy pipe. He wraps another and tests the lock with a tug.

He sets a portable radio on a table and extends the antenna. He tests the reception. The radio CHIRPS. Off again.

He yanks the pull chain. The LIGHTBULB blinks off. The door CLOSES. The bolt LOCKS back into place. DARKNESS.

INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

Dim lighting. Lots of shadows.

A laptop is flipped open on a table and turned on. One by one, cell phones are laid out in a line. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope, a hunting knife, and a .38 special follow.

We HEAR him WALK UPSTAIRS. The lights go out. The basement door CLOSES. BLACKNESS.

CUT TO:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING

A brisk day. The city is alive. We HEAR a series of NEWS UPDATES like someone flipping channels.

RADIO HOST 1 (V.O.)

…west-bound across the Bay Bridge is backed-up due to a stalled SUV in the number four lane. CHP is on scene, but expect delays…

RADIO HOST 2 (V.O.)

…won five to four from a walk-off home run by Stagnetti in the bottom of the ninth…

Closing in on a small office building with a radio tower.

RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)

…clear with a high of seventy-six and an overnight dropping into the mid-forties.

EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – EXTABLISHING – MORNING

RADIO HOST 3 (V.O.)

And that’s news, traffic and weather. I’m Mike Wells, KCSF, thirteen-sixty AM, San Francisco.

Bumper music, CCR’s “Fortunate Son,” starts playing —

INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

CCR continues on the wall speaker. PETER WHITE, KCSF station manager, mid-fifties, wedding ring, heavyset, years of radio experience, turns the volume down. He wears a phone headset while talking with JERRY BURNS, his boss.

PETER

Her ratings aren’t that bad.

JERRY

They’re not that good, either. The twenty to thirty demo isn’t tuning in. And her nighttime audience didn’t follow.

PETER

Maybe another marketing campaign. Have her do some guest spots.

JERRY

Marketing isn’t the problem, Pete. And you know it. She’s just not confrontational. And radio needs conflict.

PETER

Yeah, I know… I know.

JERRY

Look, I get it. She’s your friend, and you wanted to help her, we both did, especially after what happened. But her ratings are flat. And I need to sell advertising. I can’t justify picking up her option.

PETER

No, I understand. I do.

JERRY

You’re a great station manager, Pete. But don’t let friendship cloud your judgment. It’s just business.

PETER

I’ll tell here when she gets in.

Jerry hangs up. Pete removes the headset, dejected.

EXT. PARKING LOT, KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS

An SUV bounds into the lot and zooms into a space. Ellen kicks open the door and drops out. She slings an oversized purse and computer bag and dashes to the doors, swiping at the coffee-stain map of South America on her skirt.

INT. RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, is everybody’s overbearing mom — no paint, no polish. She never misses a Woodstock reunion. She’s in full mother mode when Ellen comes through the door and shuffles her through reception.

CLAIRE

Where have you been? I called you thirty minutes ago.

ELLEN

Mackenzie refused to get out of bed. Samantha forgot to do her homework. Roger’s car wouldn’t start — again…

CLAIRE

Never mind. Give me those —

She grabs Ellen’s purse and computer bag.

ELLEN

How late am I?

CLAIRE

Just hurry.

(noting the stain)

What happened there?

ELLEN

My Starbucks slipped.

CLAIRE

Well… He’s a man. He won’t care.

GAIL SIMMONS, the model receptionist, watches the twosome scurry across the lobby, shaking her head, amused.

INT. PETER WHITE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

A RAP on the door, barely audible. From his desk, Peter looks up, takes a breath, releases a guilt-ridden sigh.

PETER

Shit.

EXT. STATION ROOFTOP – DAY

Claire stands near the edge smoking. She pushes out a long, steady stream like a pro.

CLAIRE

Shit.

Claire and passes her smoke to Ellen.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

New owners. They want a fast return on their investment.

Ellen takes a puff, sucking in her cheeks — total amateur. She frowns at the taste.

ELLEN

How do you smoke these?

CLAIRE

They keep my weight down.

Ellen can’t pass it back fast enough.

ELLEN

Do you think I’m hiding?

CLAIRE

Because of what happened?

(Ellen nods)

You’ll go back when you’re ready.

ELLEN

Sometimes I feel like I’m holding back. That I tell people what they want to hear to avoid the conflict.

CLAIRE

You’re a good person, Ellen. And you’re a good psychologist. You want to help people.

(beat)

But this is radio. And we’re just a bunch of cutthroat fuckers.

Claire takes another drag on her cigarette. A reflective moment, both ladies staring off into the city.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

One caller. That’s all we needed. Just one caller.

Claire flicks the cigarette off the edge.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen fidgets with her chair, adjusting the height way up. She puts on her headphones and settles in at the microphone.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Claire, headset on, gets ready — adjusting the sound board, checking the caller screen.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen’s cell phone BUZZES. The screen reads ROGER. She stares at it, reluctant to answer. Through the glass, Claire notes her reluctance.

CLAIRE

(over headset)

You’ve got three minutes.

Ellen answer the call on speaker. The sound is loud and airy, lots of road noise. Roger is almost yelling.

ELLEN

Hi, Honey.

ROGER

Hi, Babe. Hold on.

(to someone else)

Say hello to mommy.

ELLEN

Where are you guys?

ROGER

Uber.

ROGER

I called the school and told them they’d be late.

(to driver)

No. Wait. You missed the turn. We’re going to the school first.

(back to Ellen)

The girls wanted to call and find out. So? Did you get it?

Ellen falters. She looks a Claire.

ELLEN

Yeah. I got the job.

CHEERING on the other end. Ellen holds her feelings back.

ROGER

Oh, babe! That’s great! We knew you could do it. Look! Let’s celebrate tonight. How about it, girls? What should we get mommy for dinner?

ROGER

Looks like pizza, babe.

ELLEN

Pizza sounds great.

(tearing up)

I have to do my show now.

ROGER

Okay. Love you, babe. We’re proud of you. Say goodbye to mommy.

ELLEN

Love you, too. See you tonight.

The call ends. She looks to Claire, heavy-hearted.

CLAIRE

They’ll understand.

(glances the time)

Okay. Ten seconds. Here we go.

Ellen’s bumper MUSIC starts, something modern. As it fades —

ELLEN

Good morning, everyone. Welcome to the Dr. Ellen Show. I’m your host, Ellen Landry. And we’re going to be with each other for the next three hours. And it looks like we have a lot to talk about today. So let’s settle in and go to the phones.

(beat)

Who am I am talking to?

WOMAN’S VOICE

Hello, Dr. Ellen. This is Sandy.

ELLEN

Hello, Sandy. Let’s talk…

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The clock on the wall reads 9:48.

Claire screen another call.

CLAIRE

Hello. The Dr. Ellen Show.

BREATHING on the other end, someone in distress.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

Hello? Can you hear me?

MAN’S VOICE

(weak, soft)

Hello…

CLAIRE

You’ve reached the Dr. Ellen Show. Can I have your name?

JASON

My name’s Jason.

Jason is weak-voiced, almost afraid to talk.

CLAIRE

How can Dr. Ellen help you today?

JASON

I need to speak with Dr. Ellen.

CLAIRE

What seems to be the problem?

JASON

(almost crying)

I have a problem. And I need to speak to Dr. Ellen.

Claire’s finger touches the disconnect button.

CLAIRE

If you can’t be more specific —

JASON

I’m having trouble with my other personality. I need Dr. Ellen.

Claire hesitates, uncertain. She takes her hand of the button.

CLAIRE

Hold for one moment. I’ll put you through next.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is finishing up with her last caller.

ELLEN

— you and your husband have every right to celebrate your anniversary alone, Sandy. It’s your marriage, not you, your husband and his mother.

SANDY (O.S.)

Tell him that.

ELLEN

You can do it, Sandy. You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. But he needs to be the one who establishes the boundaries with his mother. Otherwise, your mother-in-law will be in the hot tub with you at Sandals every anniversary.

SANDY

That’s a visual I didn’t need.

ELLEN

You’ll do find, Sandy. Good luck.

(kills the call)

Claire? Who’s are next caller?

CLAIRE

(through headset)

Dr. Ellen, we have Jason over in Bayview. He’s having difficulty with a friend.

Ellen looks quizzically at Claire, not understanding the explanation. Claire shrugs her shoulders.

ELLEN

Good morning, Jason. This is Dr. Ellen. How can I help you today?

JASON

(nervous)

Dr. Ellen? This is Jason…

Ellen listens, expecting more.

ELLEN

Hello, Jason. And what seems to be the problem?

JASON

You have to help me. I didn’t want to call you. He’s making me do it.

Ellen looks to Claire, both perplexed.

ELLEN

Who’s making you call me, Jason? Is someone there with you?

JASON

Yes.

ELLEN

Can you tell me who is it?

JASON

He won’t let me tell you.

Ellen and Claire exchange puzzled looks again.

ELLEN

Will your friend speak with me?

JASON

No.

ELLEN

Why won’t he?

JASON

Dr. Ellen? This is Jason…

ELLEN

Yes, I know, Jason.

JASON

I was your patient once. But we never really met.

Ellen suddenly realizes who she’s talking to relives the entire moment – oh shit.

ELLEN

Jason. I don’t think it would be appropriate for us to continue our conversation at this time. If you give my producer your phone number, I’ll be glad to call you —

JASON

(pleading, angry)

DON’T HANG UP ON ME!

Ellen jumps back in her seat. Claire is stunned.

ELLEN

Jason, I can’t counsel you on air.

JASON

If you hang up, he’ll hurt one of them.

ELLEN

One of who, Jason?

Long beat. Nothing. BREATHING.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Jason? Who is he going to hurt? Can you tell me?

JASON

Your family.

(crying)

He’s going to hurt your family. He has them.

Stunned, Ellen shoots disbelieving look to Claire.

ELLEN

My family? Who has my family? Jason?

JASON

If you don’t help me, he says he’s going to hurt one of them.

(beat)

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!

Ellen and Claire cast disbelieving glances at each other. Before Ellen can respond.

JASON (CONT’D)

(to another person)

No! I won’t! You can’t make me! You can’t MAKE ME!

(beat)

No! No…!

A SCUFFLE. Someone fighting.

Mystified, Ellen presses the headset tight, concentrating on the sudden violence.

JASON (CONT’D)

No. NO!

The line goes dead.

Stunned, Ellen looks to Claire. Neither woman can believe what just happened.

Dead air! Claire quickly signals Ellen.

ELLEN

(into microphone)

Umm… Let’s go to a break. We’ll be right back after these messages. This is the Dr. Ellen Show, KCSF, AM 1360, San Francisco.

The On-Air light goes off.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Opening Scene is Irresistible

What I learned doing this assignment

I need to grab the reader with the first line, the first page, the first three pages. Grab them, hold them, and never let them go. I don’t have time to waste.

CHOSEN OPENING

The Shocking Opening showing a contrast between characters

OUTLINE

INT. ELLEN LANDRY OFFICE – DAY

Ellen Landry is in session with an unseen male patient. The more they talk about his life, the more he becomes agitated and angry about a relationship. The deeper she proves, the angrier he becomes until Ellen’s eyes go wild, and we hear a gunshot. Her patient has shot himself in front of her. Cut to black:

THE SOUND OF SOMEONE WALKING DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR IS OPENED. LIGHT FROM ANOTHER ROOM FLOODS IN.

THE HANGING LIGHTBULB IS BLINKED ON BY A PULL CHAIN.

INT. DUNGEON ROOM – DAY

A MAN, unseen, drops shackles to the cement floor. He wraps and padlocks a pair of shackles to an exposed pipe. He places a portable radio on a small table and extends the antenna. The pull chain is yanked, the lightbulb blinks off. The door is closed. The bolt is locked. Blackness.

INT. BASEMENT – DAY

A hard metal chair is secured to the floor in the middle of the room. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope, and a .38 special are placed on a wooden table. A laptop is opened and turned on. Multiple cells phones are laid out. He grabs a bottled water from an ice bucket. We hear him walk up the stairs. A door slams. Black again.

SCENE

FADE IN:

DARKNESS. We HEAR two people talking —

MAN (V.O.)

Do you know why I come here to see you, doctor?

WOMAN (V.O.)

Tell me.

MAN (V.O.)

This is the only place where I’m allowed to exist.

The darkness fades to reveal DR. ELLEN LANDRY sitting in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the shadows of an office.

She’s a petite, winsome woman in her mid-thirties with raven hair whisking her shoulders. If not for her Saks Fifth Avenue power suit, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.

ELLEN

How do yo mean?

MAN (O.S.)

Out there, in the world, I lose me. He spends his time with the others.

ELLEN

The others? There are other people involved in your relationship?

MAN (O.S.)

My life is very crowded. It’s hard for me to keep track sometimes. He pursues a new alternative whenever he’s bored or depressed.

ELLEN

Are you and your partner engaged in a polyamorous arrangement?

MAN (O.S.)

Polyamorous. What an elegant word. Yes. I like that.

(beat)

But to be honest, I haven’t met any of them. They keep their distance. Though I know they’re there, always at the ready. I sense them — like hairs on the back of my neck. Call it split intuition.

ELLEN

Have you told your partner how you feel?

MAN (O.S.)

I doubt he would listen… or care.

ELLEN

You have a right to your own voice. It’s your relationship, too.

MAN (O.S.)

If it were only that simple…

ELLEN

Maybe you should you take a break — the both of you. consider what you want. You’re obviously unhappy.

MAN (O.S.)

You mean surrender?

ELLEN

A break isn’t a surrender. It’s an opportunity to breathe. A chance to step back and see things from the distance. A chance for reflection.

A long beat. Then —

MAN (O.S.)

(suspicious)

They got to you, didn’t they?

ELLEN

Excuse me?

MAN (O.S.)

That’s it, isn’t it? You’re talking to them. They want me gone. This is an intervention.

ELLEN

No. Not at all. I haven’t spoken to anyone.

MAN (O.S.)

I trusted you, doctor. I bore my soul to you. And you betray me?

ELLEN

What? No. Never. Why would you think such a thing?

MAN (O.S.)

They’ve heard my every thought. My secrets. And now they’re scared of me… afraid of what I might do.

ELLEN

What might you do?

MAN (O.S.)

They want to disappear me. Drag me back… after I crawled my way out from that hell. And you’re helping them.

Ellen squirms, nervous. She’s losing control of her patient.

MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Do you know how it feels to wander in the abyss? Abandoned? Lost? To hear them crow from the shadows… whispering… conspiring… beyond reach?

ELLEN

Who’s conspiring? Who’s whispering? I don’t understand.

MAN (O.S.)

I can feel their hands, cold on me, coiling around me…

ELLEN

(nervous)

We should end our session here.

MAN (O.S.)

If I leave this room, they’ll win. I’ll never be allowed to return. I know that now. They’ll win…

ELLEN

Who will win? Win what?

MAN (O.S.)

Everything… everything…

Ellen’s eyes wild with shock. BANG! A small caliber handgun FIRES. The man’s body TUMBLES to the floor.

The office door BURSTS open. A woman GASPS. People flock into the room. VOICES — “Oh, my God!” “Ellen!” “Someone call the cops!” “Ellen? Are you hurt? Ellen?” “Call an ambulance!”

FADE TO BLACK:

DEAD SILENCE.

SOMEONE WALKS DOWN WOODEN STAIRS. A BOLT IS PULLED BACK. A DOOR OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT FROM AN OUTSIDE ROOM.

A LIGHTBULB HANGS FROM A CORD. A HAND YANKS THE PULL CHAIN AND THE BULB BLINKS ON.

INT. A DUNGEON-LIKE ROOM – DAY

Windowless. Stone walls. Exposed pipes. Grimy.

CHAINS AND SHACKLES DROP to the floor. A MAN, unseen, wraps and padlocks a chain to the pipe running the wall. He wraps another to a different pipe and checks the lock with a tug.

He sets a portable radio on a table and extends the antenna. He tests the reception. The radio CHIRPS. Off again.

He yanks the pull chain, and the BULB blinks off. The door CLOSES. The bolt LOCKS back into place. BLACKNESS.

INT. BASEMENT – DAY

Dim lighting. Lots of shadows.

A laptop is flipped open and turned on.

One by one, cell phones are laid out in a line.

Handcuffs, duct tape, rope, knives, and a .38 special with a box of ammo are placed on a table.

An interrogation chair sits secured to the floor.

The MAN grabs a bottle of water from an ice bucket. We HEAR him WALK UPSTAIRS. Lights go out. The basement door CLOSES.

CUT TO BLACK:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Openings!

What I learned doing this assignment

Brainstorming my original opening forced me to think outside the box. This process pushed me to create ideas I had never considered, and while I may still use my original opening, I have a variety of concepts to use and take my original idea to the extreme. This method helped me push through a block, providing another opening I intend to use as my second scene.

OPENINGS

1. Instant Conflict Opening

Over an aerial shot of San Francisco, a VO of Ellen Landry, radio talk show psychologist, having an argument with a caller. The call continues over a shot of the radio station and shots of radio equipment until we’re in the on-air studio with Ellen.

The caller offers his opinion of psychology, resulting in a contentious debate between them. The caller is Ryan, the psychotic personality of a DID patient she used to counsel, who by the end of the call tells her he has kidnapped her family.

2. Contrast Opening

Black. Sounds of someone walking down wooden stairs. A bolt is pulled back. A door opens. A hanging lightbulb is turned on by a pull chain. A man, unseen, prepares a dungeon-like room. He wraps and padlocks a chain around an old, exposed pipe. He attaches an ankle lock to the end of another chain. The light blinks off. The door is shut and bolted.

In an outer room, a wooden chair is placed in the middle of the room, handcuffs, rope, and duct tape are laid on a wooden table, a laptop is opened and turned on, multiple cells phones are set out, an ice bucket with bottled water. He grabs a bottle. We hear him walk up the stairs. A door slams. Black again. The sound of a shower.

In her bathroom, Ellen Landry is showering. Ellen, wrapped in towel, blow drying her hair. Ellen putting on make-up in a mirror. Ellen throwing things from her walk-in closet. Ellen hops on one foot putting on her shoes.

In the kitchen, Ellen greets her husband and two daughters who are having breakfast. They wish her luck. She kisses each, and she’s out the door.

3. The Shocking Opening

Ellen Landry is in session with an unseen male patient. The more they talk about his life, the more he becomes agitated and angry about a relationship. The deeper she proves, the angrier he becomes until Ellen’s eyes go wild, and we hear a gunshot. Her patient has shot himself in front of her.

4. The VO that’s unusual

Blackness. The voiceover of the antagonist, the psychotic personality, narrates his opinion of modern psychology. It’s a soft, soothing, menacing voice. He explains how psychology has failed society. “You cater to the symptom rather than treat the syndrome, pushing pills and telling patients their cured when their insurance runs out.” He ends his diatribe by saying, “But that just my opinion.”

5. The unique character

Ellen Landy speaks before an audience of professionals. She discusses her passion – and theirs – for psychology. She discusses how modern psychology must do better, especially considering the homeless problem plaguing San Francisco. She extolls all the virtues of do no harm before she opens the floor for questions. The last question: “How can a radio psychologist lecture the room when she spends so little time with on-air patients?” She recounts her education and her time in practice (putting in her dues) and suggests she can reach a larger audience dubious of her profession and can encourage them to seek help.

6. The action opening

Ellen racing through Sam Francisco streets in an SUV. She’s chasing after someone. She whips around other cars, apologizing to other drivers as they blare their horns at her. Her phone rings.

Claire Barrow excoriates her, demanding she hurry. “This is life or death. And whatever you do, don’t bring the cops!”

Ellen in her car, screaming around turns. Blocked by traffic, she wheels across four lanes into a one-way alley, booming out the other end.

Ellen bounces into a parking lot. She parks halfway on the front walk, jumps from the car and races inside. Claire is waiting in the lobby. She hustles Ellen toward the stairs. Something life threatening is happening.

Ellen creeps into the conference room, late for a staff meeting with the station manager and the other on-air talent. Sheepishly, she sits down trying not to attract attention, but her every move is watched by everyone. Once settled, the meeting is adjourned.

7. The “trick” opening

Ellen reveals her deepest fears, laying on the psychology couch. She pours her emotions out to her psychiatrist, her marriage, her children, her new career, her wonderful life. We believe she is a patient, until we hear her psychiatrist’s voice, a girl’s voice, maybe ten. And then another girl gives her opinion. “You need drugs.”

Ellen is in session with her two daughters playing psychologist. Ellen on the couch and her daughters sitting in her chair wearing their pajamas. We see Ellen in her homelife with her husband and daughters the night before she begins her new career in radio.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana Loves This Opening

What I learned Doing This Assignment

Reading SIGNS gave me a better understanding of how to craft my first ten pages. The beginning, middle and end of the first ten pages must capture the heart of the movie. The first page grabs the reader, the twist by page three holds them, and by page ten, you capture their interest to read the entire script.

The first ten pages also needs to setup the twists and turns throughout the story to the final scene and the last image/line of the movie.

SIGNS – M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

FADE IN:

INT. WINDOW – MORNING

We are looking out a second story window of a house. The backyard is large and green with a wooden jungle gym, worn from use. A single tree throws shade onto a barbecue and a picnic table.

The backyard is lined by crops. Corn. Golden and brown. Six feet high.

Everything is perfect. Like a postcard. And then we HEAR A CHILD SCREAM. IT’S FAR AWAY. WE DON’T KNOW WHERE IT’S COMING FROM.

NOTE: It’s a peaceful, rural setting. Then we hear the children screaming, breaking the Normal Rockwell image. This draws into the story, immediately knowing something is wrong.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING

GRAHAM HESS wakes up from his sleep. He thought he heard something. He listens. HE HEARS THE HEATER. THE REFRIGERATOR DOWNSTAIRS HUMMING. THE OCCASIONAL BIRDS OUTSIDE CHIRPING.

Graham climbs out of bed. He moves in his pajama pants and white Barron’s minor league baseball T-shirt towards the bedroom door.

CUT TO:

INT. HALL LANDING – MORNING

Graham stands in the hall landing where three bedroom doors meet. He moves to the door that has children’s drawings taped to it. He puts his ear close. Listens. Beat.

He relaxes. Graham leans down and picks up two balled up sweat socks and a child’s sweater from the hallway floor. He puts it in the hallway hamper before heading back into his bedroom.

CUT TO:

NOTE: We now know that the screaming children belong to Graham, but that he doesn’t know they’re in trouble and need help. This adds to the suspense of the scene.

INT. BATHROOM – MORNING

A bathroom door is open. WE HEAR THE SINK RUNNING. WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF TEETH BEING BRUSHED.

Outside the bathroom on the bedroom wall is the sun faded outline of where a large CATHOLIC CROSS used to hang. It’s ghostly stained forever on the blank wall.

NOTE: The faded outline of a cross on the wall is an indication of Graham’s lost faith, which is pivotal to the story. This moment helps set up the last image on the last page.

A CHILD SCREAMS FROM FAR AWAY.

The water from the sink stops. Graham steps into the doorway. Toothbrush and foam in his mouth. He becomes very still.

CUT TO:

INT. CHILDREN’S BEDROOM – MORNING

The bedroom door bursts open. Graham steps into his children’s room. There are children’s books everywhere. Overflowing off shelves. Piled in corners.

Graham’s eyes move to the small messy beds. They’re both empty.

NOTE: The imagery of the empty beds confirms Graham’s fears, and ours, that his children are in trouble. These scenes convey suspense without one spoken word of dialogue.

CUT TO:

INT. GARAGE BEDROOM – MORNING

WE HEAR THE VOICES OF TWO CHILDREN NOW. THEIR SCREAMS FLOAT INTO A DARKENED BEDROOM OVER THE GARAGE.

MERRILL HESS throws the bed sheets off himself as he swings onto his feet in one quick motion. He is hyper-awake. Merrill is in his late twenties. He is well build. His muscles are tense as he stands in his red bikini briefs and looks around bewildered.

CUT TO:

EXT. BACKYARD – MORNING

Graham bangs open the back screen door and runs into the backyard. He spins as he looks around.

Merrill, now with a T-shirt and jeans, rumbles down the side stairs adjacent to the garage building.

Merrill and Graham make eye contact as they approach each other across the yard.

MERRILL
Where are they?

Graham looks around — panic growing in his eyes.

CHILDREN
(yelling in the distance)
Daaaad!

Graham and Merrill in unison turn in the direction of the YELLING. They look away from the house, across the yard and into THE THICK WALL OF CROPS.

CUT TO:

Note: What have we learned in these few pages? It’s a family farm; the two men are brothers; Graham has more than one child; Graham is having a crisis in faith; the mother is missing or gone; the children are in trouble. And we learn all this with only two lines of dialogue.

EXT. CROPS – MORNING

The tall stalks of corn smack Graham and Merrill’s faces as they run through the crops.

A LITTLE GIRL appears in the crops thirty feet ahead of them like an apparition. She is in her nightgown. She is four.

They reach her fast. She stands unaware of them in a daze. Her hair is messed from sleep.

GRAHAM
Bo where’s Morgan?

BO stands peacefully lost in her thoughts. Beat.

GRAHAM
Bo?

Bo finally looks at her father. Beat. She smiles softly.

BO
Are you in my dreams too?

Beat.

GRAHAM
This isn’t a –

BOY (O.S.)
Dad!

Graham looks in the direction of THE BOY’S VOICE. He’s close. Graham picks up Bo and rushes through the crops.

He finds MORGAN standing with his hands in the pockets of his pajama bottoms. DOGS ARE BARKING NEARBY.

GRAHAM
Morgan what’s happening?

Graham puts Bo on the ground and moves right in front of Morgan. The ten-year old boy looks deep in thought.

Graham takes hold of Morgan’s chin and turns his face so he’s looking straight at him.

GRAHAM
Are… you… hurt?

Beat. Morgan’s eyes reveal he’s come to some answer.

MORGAN
I think God did it.

Beat. THE DOGS KEEP BARKING.

GRAHAM
Did what Morgan?

Morgan takes hold of his father’s unshaven chin and turns his face. Graham is forced to look to his right. Beat. Graham sees something.

Graham Hess slowly rises to his feet. He starts moving forward towards something.

He walks through a thin layer of crops and emerges in a clearing. Two German Shepherds are running back and forth. They are clearly agitated.

Graham looks around at the THOUSANDS OF CORN STALKS LYING FLAT ON THE GROUND. THEY LAY IN A GIGANTIC CIRCLE, A HUNDRED FEET WIDE.

Graham Hess looks around in a daze as he walks out into the center. Merrill, Bo and Morgan follow him.

The dogs keep running and barking as WE PULL BACK AND REVEAL THE FOUR MEMBERS OF THE HESS FAMILY STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS PERFECT, GIGANTIC CIRCLE.

WE KEEP PULLING BACK TO EXPOSE THIS EERIE DESIGN – FIVE HUNDRED FEET WIDE — SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ENDLESS, UNTOUCHED CORN FIELD.

LEGEND:

“BUCKS COUNTY PENNSYLVANIA…
THIRTY MILES OUTSIDE PHILADELPHIA”

NOTE: This is the TWIST in the opening scene. Graham’s corn field has been turned into a crop SIGN for events to come.

INCITING INCIDENT

His daughter, Bo, unable to sleep that night, wakes Graham up and asks for a glass of water. (Her phobia of believing water is contaminated after one sip is an intracule part of the climax of the script). Graham takes Bo back to her room, and while talking to her about her dead mother, Graham’s eyes drift through the bedroom window to see a dark figure on the adjacent rooftop watching them. This is the alien doing recon on their home.

WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT

Graham Hess’ and his family experiencing a crisis of faith during an alien invasion.

WHAT STANDS OUT

The peaceful setting in contrast to the children screaming at the beginning grabs your attention. And the suspense Shyamalan crafts into the narrative keeps you reading:

The TWIST when the SIGNS in the crop field are revealed.

The dogs act out violently until the son is forced to kill one.

The sheriff telling them of other strange events in town.

And finally, we realize an alien is spying on Graham’s family, although he suspects it’s someone else.

[Dana Abbott]

Anna

I haven’t read SILENT NIGHT, so I’m operating at a little disadvantage not knowing the beginning of your trilogy, but from your set-up, it sounds like a passing of the torch story from James to Sandy.

You’re writing has a very fluid style. It’s easy to follow and understand. And the story arc of her fighting to save one of her boys from a drug lord creates a strong antagonist/protagonist conflict.

However, Sophie’s character arc – the children’s champion who becomes overwhelmed only to return by the end – may not be right for a trilogy.

Cameron alluded to STAR WARS, and I agree. Your concept has that kind of feel.

The moment where Sandy finds the child on the street and breaks down watching the ambulance take him away was very strong. This leads to the climax when Sandy and Colin leave the farm and the children. This may be a better place to end the script, rather than having Sandy return to resolve the story.

If this is a trilogy, the end of the second script should leave us wondering. An antagonist who can place the children, the dogs, and the farm in jeopardy would create the crisis requiring Sandy to return in the next script.

Having Sandy return to the farm because she’s bored doesn’t seem dramatic enough for the story you’re telling. Especially, if the children can care for themselves and the farm without her. It seems all she needed was a vacation to reenergize herself.

Sandy’s return should come in the final act of the final script with a triumphant journey that defeats an antagonist to save the farm and children and complete her character arc.

Cameron ‘s reference to STAR WARS, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and LORD OF THE RINGS, TWO TOWERS are good examples. These movies/scripts left us wondering how the protagonist would return to overcome their crisis. This may be a direction you might want to consider.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Completed Third Act

What I learned Doing This Assignment

I learned that every setup and reveal through the script leads to the final page and to one final line or image. The climax has to be thrilling, and the resolution wraps things up, but the final line fulfills the emotion of your script to satisfy your audience.

FIRST TIME CALLER

SETUP

OPENING: After her patient attempts suicide during a session, Dr. Ellen Landy quits private practice to become a talk radio psychologist at a San Francisco radio station. But low ratings, due to her inability to connect with callers, results in her show beings cancelled. INCITING INCIDENT: During her last show, Ellen receives a call from Jason, an ex-patient, who threatens to harm her family, then drops the call. Panicked, Ellen tries but fails contact her husband and learns her daughters have not yet arrived at school. The police are called.

Detective Jack Sorensen, a streetwise cop under investigation for violating a suspect’s civil rights, is assigned to investigate a “dirty phone call” by his lieutenant to get him out of sight out of mind. At the station, he interviews Ellen, who’s still not able to contact her family. Ellen tells Sorensen about Jason, though he suspects she’s holding back. He assures her it’s probably a communication problem. He starts looking for her family and calls Jason’s current psychiatrist. In the meantime, the show’s producer screens a call from Ryan and schedules him on the caller list. Sorensen speaks to Jason’s psychiatrist and learns Jason suffers from DID (dissociative identity disorder) and that he was the patient who shot himself during his session with Ellen. However, Ellen knew him as William, one of Jason’s multiple personalities.

Ellen takes the call from Ryan who reveals his relationship to Jason, and that he has kidnapped Ellen’s husband and two daughters. He and the other personalities have grown weary of Jason’s life, and Ryan demands Ellen excise Jason from their lives. To force her cooperation, he threatens to kill one member of her family every hour on air until she forces Jason into “the dark.” Ellen pleads with Ryan to stop, while Sorensen and the police race against time to find Ryan, only to be misled to a false location. The first hour gone, Ryan kills Ellen’s husband for not fulfilling his demand. Ellen collapses in shock, and is consoled by Sorensen, who encourages her to continue to saver her daughters. When she resumes, she engages Bobby, Jason’s ten-year-old personality, but he refuses to help Ellen because “that would be cheating.” Ellen manipulates Bobby into letting Jason speak to his sister, but before his sister can persuade Jason to surrender, Ryan resumes control and threatens Ellen’s family for breaking his rules. Ellen, overcome by hate for Ryan, challenges him and diagnoses his personality, enthralling his ego. She plays on his vanity, convincing him to let her bring forward one of Jason’s personalities who can take control and send Jason into the dark. His name is William.

PLOT POINT 2

After great hardship, Ellen successfully brings William from the dark, believing the terrible situation will pressure his depressive personality into committing suicide and save her daughters.

CRISIS

Jason’s psychiatrist, working with police, tells them Ellen has made a dangerous error. William didn’t try to commit suicide. He tried to kill the other personalities. He’s not suicidal. He’s a psychopath, like Ryan. And now she’s dealing with two of them. William, realizing why Ellen called him from the dark, decides to throw in with Ryan and take control of Jason. And although he’s sorry for what Ryan has done, her children are not his concern.

CLIMAX

Ellen pits the two psychotic personalities against one another, telling William that Ryan has cursed him and the other personalities by killing her husband. That he (William) will be sent back to the darkness, trapped in the abyss with the others forever once they send Jason to prison. She plays on his jealousy and anger, igniting the hate between the two personalities. Ryan drags Ellen’s oldest daughter into the room and threatens to kill her. With her daughter screaming in the background, Ellen escalates the battle between Ryan and William until the sound of a gunshot is heard and the call drops. Then silence. Ellen waits in horror until Sorensen burst into the studio. SWAT has reached the scene. Jason is dead. Her daughters are saved.

RESOLUTION

Sorensen walks Ellen to a waiting police car to take her to her daughters. She tries to thank him, but she’s too emotional for words. It’s their final moment.

Sorensen returns to the police station to a hero’s welcome. He wraps up the investigation with his team, resolving on the last details. But there are nagging questions. He’s told forget it. The case is over. Sitting as his desk, he receives a call from another psychiatrist. Jason had been under a ten-day observation at the county hospital but under a different name and only released that morning. Sorensen investigates and learns it’s true. Jason was held under another personality, that could not have planned the crime. Ryan was a separate person. CUT TO BLACK:

FINAL PAGE

FADE IN: Aerial shot of San Francisco. A voiceover of a local radio host talking about Ellen Landry. He takes several calls, pro and con, and then a caller named Steve is on air. But the voice if Ryan.

FINAL LINE/IMAGE

Ryan to radio host: “I’m a longtime listener. And a first-time caller.”

LAST 10 PAGES – FIRST DRAFT

EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – DAY

TV vans parked fill parking lot. Camera crews and reporters line both sides of the walkway into the building, clamoring for news.

Uniformed police keep them corralled to the sides.

When Ellen and Sorensen come through the front door, all hell ERUPTS. Ellen is wrapped in a blanket, fragile, tucked under Sorensen’s protective arm.

Flashbulbs strike like lightning. Reporters SHOUT questions, one LOUDER than the next, too impossible to hear.

Sorensen holds Ellen as they walk, holding up his hand to protect Ellen from the mob.

A sedan parked at the curb waits for them. A uniformed cop opens the back door as they approach.

At the door, Ellen turns to Sorensen, her eyes glazing over. She places a gentle hand to his face where she slapped him earlier. “I’m sorry” and “thank you” fill her eyes.

Sorensen’s eyes tear, but he remains tall and stoic.

Ellen eased into the back seat. The door is closed. She peers out at Sorensen, placing her hand to the window as the sedan begins to drive away.

INT. SEDAN – BACK SEAT – MOVING

Ellen peers through the back window as she’s driven away from Sorensen, still standing at the curb.

EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen remains at the curb watching Ellen drive away, his watering eyes drop a tear down his face. Flashbulbs POP. We heard APPLAUSE ERUPT —

INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD ROOM – POLICE HEADQUARTERS – DAY

— APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Sorensen walks the floor through the maze of desks, accepting the APPLAUSE of his colleagues giving him a standing ovation.

Sorensen is humbled, nodding and shaking a a few hands, but not smiling. It’s been a hard day.

Phil waits at Sorensen’s desk, huddled with two DETECTIVES. The applause dies, and the cops get back to work.

Sorensen and Phil take a moment to acknowledge the day.

PHIL

How you doing?

SORENSEN

Been better.

PHIL

Dr. Landry’s at the hospital with her daughters. They weren’t hurt. They’re going to be okay.

Sorensen nods. No words. He drops Jason’s file to his desk.

DETECTIVE 1

The Uber driver was Jerry McGrath. Sixty-two. Divorced. Lived alone. ME says he was killed Sunday night, but that he’d been tortured for at least a day before he died.

SORENSEN

Jason needed his pass codes.

DETECTIVE 2

He used McGrath’s SUV to kidnap Landry and the two girls. We found it at the scene. Company records show Landry ordered a car at eight-forty-seven and was picked up five minutes later at eight-fifty-two. The GPS was turned off ten minutes later.

PHIL

Jason dismantled the husband’s car in the driveway —

DETECTIVE 1

— cut the ignition wires —

PHIL

— and parked around the corner to wait for Landry to make the call.

SORENSEN

He had to make sure he was the first driver to the Landry home.

DETECTIVE 2

Had to be stalking the family for a while. Know the routine.

SORENSEN

What about the phone?

PHIL

Stolen. He used spoof software and bounced the signal through foreign sites not to be traced.

DETECTIVE 2

How could a gerbil like this set all this up?

SORENSEN

Computer science major. Dropped out of Stanford when he got sick.

Phil sends the detective back to work with a nod.

PHIL

Take the rest of the day. Go home. Be with your kids.

Phil pats Sorensen on the shoulder and heads to his office.

Sorensen sits down and reclines in his chair. This is his first real rest. He looks to the framed pictures on his desk.

A FRAMED PICTURE OF HIS DAUGHTERS. Their school pictures. Two girls, ten and twelve, just like Ellen’s daughters. Both cute as a bugs ear.

Sorensen leans forward, leaning on his elbows, staring at his girls, rubbing his wedding ring.

DETECTIVE RIVERS stands at his desk talking on the phone.

RIVERS

(on phone)

Hold on. I’ll see if he’s in.

(he pressed hold)

Jack…? Jack?

Sorensen leaves his thoughts. He looks across at Rivers.

RIVERS (CONT’D)

I got a guy on two says he needs to talk to you. Some doctor at county.

SORENSEN

Tell him to leave a message. I’m heading home.

RIVERS

He says is urgent. About your boy, Jason.

A heavy SIGH. Reluctant.

SORENSEN

Put him through.

Rivers presses line two on his phone.

RIVERS

Doc? I’m transferring you now.

Rivers forwards call and hangs up.

Sorensen’s answers the phone after one RING.

SORENSEN

Sorensen.

DOCTOR (O.S.)

(on phone)

Detective? Thank you for taking my call. My name is Robert Green. I’m on staff at San Francisco General.

SORENSEN

What can I do for you, doc?

GREEN

I’m not really sure how to explain this.

SORENSEN

— Doc? It’s been a long day.

GREEN (O.S.)

Yeah, no, I’ll get to the point.

(beat)

We had a patient here at the hospital that we held over the weekend for a seventy-two hour psych exam. The police brought him in Friday. Homeless. Catatonic —

SORENSEN

— Doc —

GREEN (O.S.)

Sorry. The patient’s name was Randy Armstrong. He’s in the system. But I didn’t put things together until I saw his picture on TV.

Sorensen sits up.

SORENSEN

What do you getting at, doc?

GREEN (O.S.)

I think my patient is the man who kidnapped Dr. Landry’s family.

Sorensen says nothing, numb, his mind racing.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Detective Sorensen? Are you there?

SORENSEN

Can you repeat that?

GREEN

I think my patient is your suspect, Jason Petrie.

Sorensen puts Green on speaker phone.

SORENSEN

You still there, doc?

GREEN

Yes. I’m here.

Sorensen preps his computer. The SFPD home page pops up.

SORENSEN

What’s your patient’s name again?

GREEN (O.S.)

(on speaker)

Armstrong. Randy Armstrong.

COMPUTER SCREEN – He types ARMSTRONG, RANDY into the pop-up window field. The cursor arrow hits ENTER.

Sorensen stares at the screen waiting for the program to run. Suddenly, he’s pushed back, stunned.

COMPUTER SCREEN – Jason’s picture fills half the screen. He’s haggard and homeless. His patient intake form fills the other half of the screen.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

I didn’t know what to think when I saw his picture on the news —

Sorensen moves his eyes to the intake form.

COMPUTER SCREEN – ARMSTRONG, RANDY is the name on the form.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

— I figured I’d better call somebody.

Sorensen types again.

COMPUTER SCREEN – He types PETRIE, JASON into the pop-up window field. Jason’s driver’s license opens. He’s younger, but it’s the same man.

Sorensen can’t believe his eyes.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

I don’t understand any of this. The news reported Dr. Landry’s family was kidnapped at eight-thirty —

FOCUS ON – SPEAKER PHONE

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

— but we didn’t release Randy until ten o’clock.

COMPUTER SCREEN – The two pictures are side by side.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

The staff said Randy was picked up by an Uber driver in a silver SUV.

Sorensen flips through Jason’s patient file fast.

INSERT PATIENT RECORD – Sorensen’s fingers scroll down to find ARMSTRONG, RANDY. They move to the aliases listed — Bobby, William, Jeffry, Donald, Randall.

Sorensen looks up at the screen again.

CLOSE SHOT – Jason staring right back at him.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

How could he kidnap the Landry’s if he were still holding him?

CLOSE SHOT – Sorensen, numb, realizing Ryan was someone else.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Detective Sorensen? Are you there?

Detective Sorensen? Detective…? Detective…?

CUT TO BLACK:

A long beat.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Good morning, San Francisco! It’s a great day to be living in the city by the bay —

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING

It’s crisp and clean and bright. Traffic is flowing.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

— You’re listening to the Brian Osborn Show. And we are one week and counting, and my callers are still talking about Ellen Landry. So let’s get right to the phones.

We’ve got Maureen from Brisbane on the line. Hello, Maureen. You’re on with Brian.

WOMAN (V.O.)

Hello, Brian. This is Maureen. What Dr. Ellen did was wrng. This was her patient. He needed help. And she pushes him to commit suicide? I mean, didn’t she swear an oath or something? I admit these were unusual circumstances, but she could have waited for the police to negotiate with this man.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Well, okay. Thanks for the call, Maureen. But you gotta know, you’re swimming against the tide. Most people are in the pro Ellen camp on this. But I appreciate your call.

(beat)

Okay. Let’s go to Jimmy across the bay in Oakland. Hello, Jimmy.

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)

Hay, Brian. This is Jimmy. That Maureen’s full of crap! What if this was her family? I mean, what else was Dr. Ellen supposed to do? Let that SOB kill her kids? He already shot her husband. And to get him to blow his brains out, that’s lady’s got balls. And when her show comes back, I’m going to call and tell her that.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Thanks, Jimmy. And I’m sure Ellen appreciates your supports. But you may have to wait awhile for her show to return. Ellen is on hiatus while she and her family recover.

(beat)

Let’s take one more call. We’ve got Steve in Pacifica. Hello, Steve. You’re on with Brian Osborn.

Beat.

RYAN (V.O.)

Good morning, Brian. This is Steve. Love your show. I’m a longtime listener.

(beat)

And a first time caller.

FADE OUT:

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Amazing Final Line!

What I learned Doing This Assignment

Brainstorming the final page forced me to consider another ending and determine if my original idea had enough strength.

FINAL PAGE IDEAS:

A. Directly answer the main question the entire movie is about.

The case closed, all loose ends tied up, Sorensen returns home. Sitting with a glass of bourbon, he receives a phone call from an Unknown Caller. Reluctant, drunk, he takes the call. It’s Ryan.

“Hello, detective. How are you this evening?”

Their brief conversation concludes with Ryan telling Sorensen, “I’ll call you sometime.”

B. Finally, we hear the one thing that the character wouldn’t say in the movie.

At her home, Ellen checks on her daughters fast asleep. The home is quiet and at peace. Ellen parts a curtain in the living room. A police cruiser is posted outside. The phone rings. It’s Ryan.

“Good evening, Dr. Ellen.”

His conversation is polite but menacing, letting her know she is still in her thoughts. And that one day, he’ll give her a call.

When he hangs up, Ellen finds one of her daughters standing in the living room. The phone call woke her up. When she asks her mother who called, Ellen says, “Nobody important.”

C. Solve the puzzle.

RESOLUTION: At his desk, Sorensen is contacted by a psychiatrist who was holding a patient for a ten-day psych observation at his hospital that matches Jason’s description. Sorensen searches the county database and finds Jason’s photo listed under the patient’s name. Quickly, Sorensen pulls up Jason’s DMV photo and compares the two pictures. Over this, a montage of statements piecing together clues that reveal Ryan was a different person, leaving Sorensen in shock.

CUT TO BLACK:

FADE IN:

FINAL PAGE:

Aerial shot of San Francisco with the VOICEOVER of a local radio host taking calls about Ellen. Callers are heard, one condemning and one praising Ellen. The final caller is Ryan, posing under another name, and he says, “Hello, Brian. I love your show. I’m a longtime listener. And a first-time caller.”

FINAL PAGE SCENE:

CUT TO BLACK:

A long beat.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Good morning, San Francisco! It’s a great day to be living in the city by the bay —

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING

It’s crisp and clean and bright. Traffic is flowing.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

— You’re listening to the Brian Osborn Show. And we are one week and counting, and my callers are still talking about Ellen Landry. So let’s get right to the phones.

We’ve got Maureen from Brisbane on the line. Hello, Maureen. You’re on with Brian.

WOMAN (V.O.)

Hello, Brian. This is Maureen. What Dr. Ellen did was wrng. This was her patient. He needed help. And she pushes him to commit suicide? I mean, didn’t she swear an oath or something? I admit these were unusual circumstances, but she could have waited for the police to negotiate with this man.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Well, okay. Thanks for the call, Maureen. But you gotta know, you’re swimming against the tide. Most people are in the pro Ellen camp on this. But I appreciate your call.

(beat)

Okay. Let’s go to Jimmy across the bay in Oakland. Hello, Jimmy.

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)

Hay, Brian. This is Jimmy. That Maureen’s full of crap! What if this was her family? I mean, what else was Dr. Ellen supposed to do? Let that SOB kill her kids? He already shot her husband. And to get him to blow his brains out, that’s lady’s got balls. And when her show comes back, I’m going to call and tell her that.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Thanks, Jimmy. And I’m sure Ellen appreciates your supports. But you may have to wait awhile for her show to return. Ellen is on hiatus while she and her family recover.

(beat)

Let’s take one more call. We’ve got Steve in Pacifica. Hello, Steve. You’re on with Brian Osborn.

Beat.

RYAN (V.O.)

Good morning, Brian. This is Steve. Love your show. I’m a longtime listener.

(beat)

And a first time caller.

FADE OUT:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Final Page!

What I learned Doing This Assignment

I need to resolve the final page at the beginning of my outline to understand the direction of my script. Knowing the climax and the final page allows me to determine how to create and where to place my setups for a satisfying ending.

Final Pages –

A. The Setup / Payoff final page

Through the script, the setups for the final conflict have dual meanings. They apply equally to Jason being the antagonist as well as Ryan being a separate person. Walking the crime scene, Sorensen gets suspicious of the latter, but he’s told to let it go. Back at his desk, he receives a call from a psychiatrist who tells him that Jason was held for observation at his clinic under a different name and could not have committed the crime. After a database search, Sorenson finds multiple photos of Jason listed by different personality names. He realizes Jason didn’t act alone, that the Ryan personality was a real person, as the setup clues play in voiceover. He sits stunned at his desk with the psychiatrist calling to Sorensen over the phone, again and again and again…

B. The Contrast final page
Time has passed, and Ellen has returned to private practice. She is in session with a young boy recovering from a past trauma, much like her own. She walks the boy into the recovery room where his mother is waiting. When Ellen returns to her office, she receives a call from Unknown Caller. It’s Ryan, the psychotic personality, who says, “Hello, Dr. Ellen. Remember me? I’m your long-time listener. And your first-time caller.” Cut to black.

C. The Climax / Resolution final page

Sorensen ushers Ellen from the radio station amidst a flurry of reporter questions and popping camera strobes. He protects her from the mop of reporters and gets her to the waiting police car. Before the climbs in, she turns, puts a hand to his face where she slapped him earlier. She tells him she’s sorry, then thanks him for helping save her daughters. “I couldn’t have done it without you.” She is then driven away, leaving Sorensen standing amid reporters, tears start to drop. Fade out.

D. The “Something good is going to come out of this mess” final page.
Following the traumatic opening, Ellen has chosen a new career in radio to hide, too fearful to go back to private practice. This is setup through the script by Peter, the station manager, her producer, Claire, and by Ryan during their confrontation. After Sorensen walks Ellen to the police car to be driven to her daughters, fade to black. We fade in to see Ellen in her new office. She’s returned to private practice where she belongs. She works at her desk for a moment and then welcomes her next patient – a young boy suffering from a trauma. They sit down across from each other, and they begin the session. Fade out.

E. The “One Last Gesture” final page
While tormenting Ellen, Ryan discloses his involvement in the murder of Sorensen’s wife and hints that someone else was wrongfully convicted for the crime. After Ryan is killed, Sorensen stands at the headstone of his murdered wife and lays flowers on her grave. He says goodbye and puts her memory to rest, her killer finally caught, and walks away.

F. The Shock final page

Following the crime scene wrap up, Sorensen gets a call from a psychiatrist who tells him that Jason, the antagonist, was being held for observation at his clinic under a different name. After a quick database search, Sorensen realizes Jason didn’t act alone, that the Ryan personality was a real person. Over the San Francisco cityscape, a morning radio talk show is discussing the crime and taking quick calls. The last call is Ryan, the psychotic personality, who tells the host, “I’m a long-time listener. And a first-time caller.”

CHOSEN SCENE: SHOCK

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING

It’s crisp and clean and bright. Traffic is flowing.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

— You’re listening to the Brian Osborn Show. And we are one week and counting, and my callers are still talking about Ellen Landry. So, let’s get right to the phones.

We’ve got Maureen from Brisbane on the line. Hello, Maureen. You’re on with Brian.

WOMAN (V.O.)

Hello, Brian. This is Maureen. What Dr. Ellen did was wrong. This was her patient. He needed help. And she pushes him to commit suicide? I mean, didn’t she swear an oath or something? I admit these were unusual circumstances, but she could have waited for the police to negotiate with this man.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Well, okay. Thanks for the call, Maureen. But you gotta know, you’re swimming against the tide. Most people are in the pro Ellen camp on this. But I appreciate your call. Let’s go to Jimmy across the bay in Oakland. Hello, Jimmy.

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)

Hay, Brian. This is Jimmy. That Maureen’s full of crap! What if this was her family? I mean, what else was Dr. Ellen supposed to do? Let that SOB kill her kids? He already shot her husband. And to get him to blow his brains out, that’s lady’s got balls. And when her show comes back, I’m going to call and tell her that.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Thanks, Jimmy. And I’m sure Ellen appreciates your supports. But you may have to wait awhile for her show to return. Ellen is on hiatus while she and her family recover. Let’s take one more call. We’ve got Steve in Pacifica. Hello, Steve. You’re on with Brian Osborn.

Beat.

RYAN (V.O.)

Good morning, Brian. This is Steve. Love your show.

(beat)

I’m a longtime listener. And a first-time caller.

FADE OUT:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Rules

What I learned Doing This Assignment

There’s no such thing as a bad idea when you’re brainstorming. It forced me to open my imagination to find an alternative idea, however outlandish, which lead to a breakthrough ending I never considered.

I intend to blend two of the brainstorming idea locations, one for the end of Act 1 and another for the climax.

RULE #5: Don’t Go On-The-Nose

I found several places in the final dialogue between characters where my protagonist repeated the same line or expressed the same sentiment with different words. I need to improve the dialogue by expressing the meaning of the scene with less lines tighter dialogue.

RULE #6: Quintessential Location

My story takes place in a radio station with the protagonist and antagonist doing battle on over the radio. The final scene is, therefore, limited to the on-air studio. But the anterior characters (police), during this battle, search for the antagonist’s location, which I brainstorm for this assignment.

Possible Location for Protagonist:

Abandoned warehouse

Home basement

Abandoned shipyard

Rail yard

Sex Dungeon

Cemetery maintenance shack

Animal shelter

CHOSEN LOCATIONS: 1) Quonset hut/shipyard and 2) Home basement/sex dungeon

RULE #7: Keep Audience Guessing

The protagonist’s plan to recruit one of the caller’s personalities backfires when he sides with the antagonist personality. How then does she save her family?

The police learn the antagonist’s location, but it’s a race against time. Does the protagonist wait for the police, or does she deal with the antagonist in her own way?

At the final moment, the gun fires, and the call drops. For a long silent moment, no knows the outcome until the lead detective burst into the studio to inform the protagonist she succeeded.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Powerful Setups

What I learned Doing This Assignment

This assignment helped me pinpoint where my setups were imbedded in my story and how to reveal them in the third act to create a more powerful ending. I also didn’t realize how many setups I had written until this assignment.

Build their reputation

Ellen’s reputation

– Opening: Ellen fails her patient and watches him attempt suicide in front of her.

– Pete, the station manager, talks with Jerry, the owner, regarding Ellen’s failing ratings. She’s not confrontational. Afraid to engage her callers. She’s hiding from what happened.

– Ellen laments to Claire that she’s to eager to please the callers, not diagnose them

– Ellen questions if she’s hiding and afraid to go back to private practice

– Sullivan tells Sorensen that Ellen isn’t qualified, that her skills are limited by her education (revealing Sullivan’s arrogance).

– Ellen takes several calls where she appeases the callers.

Sorensen’s reputation

– Sorensen is accused and admits to putting a gun to a suspect’s head for a confession.

– Sorensen is frustrated watching a lawyer help a suspect go free.

– His lieutenant warns Sorensen about making up his own rules.

– Sorensen states that street justice is sometimes preferable to legal justice.

– When Sorensen begins to investigate, he suspects the husband is having an affair, and his lieutenant accuses him of being a cynic. Sorensen says he a cop – meaning the same thing.

Jason’s reputation

– Jason calls the radio station and threatens Ellen’s family.

– Ellen tells Sorensen that Jason was a homeless patient who suffered from depression, but he was never violent.

– Sullivan tells Sorenson that Jason was the patient who attempted suicide in front of Ellen, that he suffers from DID and has multiple personalities. Several are dangerous.

Ryan’s reputation

– Claire hesitates to put him on air after she screens his initial phone call. “Something’s not right with guy.”

– Ryan reveals his sociopathic attitudes during his first conversation with Ellen.

– Ryan reveals himself as one of Jason’s personalities.

William’s reputation

Sullivan explains that Ellen never met Jason, that she treated William, Jason’s narcissistic personality who shot himself in front of Ellen.

– When Ellen draws William from the dark, Sullivan warns the police that he isn’t suicidal, he’s psychotic and shot himself to present other alters from taking control.

Justification for the Final Actions

– Jason/William shoots himself in the opening out of envy for “the others.”

– Jason threatens Ellen’s family.

– Ryan blackmails Ellen by threatening to killer her husband and daughters every hour unless she capitulates to his demands.

– Ryan goads Sorensen, suggesting they’ve met before, and describes a brutal crime for which Sorensen helped convict the wrong man.

– Ryan kills Ellen’s husband on air because her time ran out.

– Ryan grabs Ellen’s eldest daughter and we hear her screaming for her life.

Cast doubt on the success of the final actions

– Ellen watches her patient shoot himself

– Jerry explains that Ellen isn’t confrontational enough with callers, resulting in her low ratings.

– Ellen professes her inability to confront patients, that she’s too accommodating.

– Ellen hides the fact that Jason/William shot himself, hiding her failure and responsibility from Sorensen.

– Sullivan wants that Ellen is not qualified to deal with Jason

Discuss the final actions openly

– Ryan explains that for Ellen to save her family, she had to make Jason disappear.

– When Ellen draws out William, Sorensen realizes her intent is to pressure him to commit suicide.

– Sullivan warns the police Ellen’s trying to get William to shoot himself.

Twists that take it away

– Ryan tells Sorensen they’ve met before and describes a brutal crime Sorensen investigated, for which someone else was blamed. But is it true? Or is he just screwing with the detective?

– William, having been drawn out, is no longer suicidal and throws in with Ryan to share control.

– Bobby, the 10-year-old personality, inadvertently gives the police a lead involving a dog that leads them to find Jason.

– After Jason is dead, Sorensen receives a phone call from another psychiatrist who recognized Jason’s picture from the news. The psychiatrist explains that Jason was being held for ten-day observation in his clinic and was only released that morning. There was no way he could have kidnapped Ellen’s family. Sorensen realizes Ryan was a separate person.

– One week later, another SF radio show takes a call from Ryan who tells the host, “I’m a long-time listener. And a first-time caller.”

Alternate hope/fear

– The police have tracked the husband’s phone (hope), but when they burst into the room, they only find the dead Uber driver and the husband’s phone (fear).

– Jason’s sister tries to talk him into surrendering (hope), but before she can succeed, Ryan takes control again and threatens Ellen for involving family, one of his earlier rules (fear).

– Sorensen investigates to find Ellen’s family, suggesting a possible miscommunication (hope), until Ryan calls and puts Ellen’s husband on the phone, revealing her family has been kidnapped (fear).

– Ellen successfully draws William from the darkness to save her daughters (hope), but William throws in with Ryan to stay in control (fear).

– The police discover another possible location and dispatch SWAT (hope), but Ellen continues to press William to shoot himself, not taking the risk of another police false hope (fear).

– Ellen turns William against Ryan, (hope) but Ryan grabs Ellen’s eldest daughter, who screams for her mother’s help only to hear the gun fire and the call drop (fear).

Create and payoff emotional setups

– Ellen is unable to save her husband when Ryan shoots him on air. Ellen collapses emotionally in Detective Sorensen’s arms, who empowers her to continue. In her rage, Ellen finds her courage to confront Ryan, and she presses Jason/William to shoot himself, killing Ryan’s personality, and saving her daughters.

– Pete, the station manager, is pressured by the owner, Jerry, not to pick up Ellen’s option due to her poor ratings. Pete is forced to let Ellen go. But when Jerry calls during the crisis, complaining they have a golden opportunity for ratings, Pete stands up for Ellen, telling Jerry to shove his greed up his ass and hangs up, even if it costs him his job.

– After Ellen’s husband is killed, Sorensen allows Ellen to vent her rage on him, blaming him for not finding husband. He empowers Ellen until she succeeds, and in their final moment, before she is driven to her daughters, she touches his face and thanks him for being her strength. As she is driven off, Sorensen’s emotions are revealed, trying to hold his tears.

Suspense around the outcome

– After Jason calls the radio station and threatens Ellen’s family:

Ellen’s husband doesn’t answer his phone

her children have not yet arrived at school

Sorensen learns Jason suffers from DID, and some of his personalities are dangerous

the husband never arrived at his class and the children never arrived at school

the Uber driver who drove them has disappeared

OUTCOME: Ryan calls the station and confirms Ellen’s family has been kidnapped

– Ryan blackmails Ellen, forcing her to exile Jason to the darkness or he’ll killer her family. And when she fails, Ryan kills her husband on air.

– When they first meet, Ellen tells Sorensen she has to respect Jason’s patient confidentiality. But after her husband is shot, and she collapses emotionally, she offers Sorensen Jason’s patient file. When he asks about confidentiality, she says, “Fuck him.”

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Kick-Ass Endings

What I learned Doing This Assignment

Developing multiple endings enabled me to see my script from different perspectives. My character motivations changed, as did my story’s direction, allowing me to take elements from each ending to create the most satisfying climax and resolution that I hadn’t originally considered.

KICK ASS ENDINGS:

ULTIMATE CONFRONTATION

Ellen successfully draws William, Jason’s suicidal personality, from the darkness to confront Ryan, the psychotic personality, and save her daughters. Ellen pressures William, pushing his frailty, working his conscience to saver her daughter. She threatens that he will be locked in the darkness, never to escape again, with the others whispering and conspiring against him as he fears, blaming him for their plight, for his not stopping Ryan.

Ryan intercedes, ever-present, and grabs Ellen’s eldest daughter, threatening to killer her if Ellen doesn’t stop pressuring William. But she continues to push William, until the two personalities collide, fighting for dominance until a gun goes off. For a silent moment, nothing is heard, the call drops. Ellen in a panic. Det. Sorensen burst into the on-air studio to tell her Jason (William) killed himself and her daughters are saved.

Ellen leaves for the hospital to be with her daughters, and Sorensen visits the crime scene to tie up the loose ends about the case.

Months later, Ellen has returned to private practice where she belongs.

RETURN HOME, ONLY IT IS DIFFERENT

Jason has been killed –

Months later, Ellen has returned to private practice where she belongs. She no longer treats adults and has deals strictly with children who have suffered traumatic events. After a session, she receives a phone call from someone who, at first, does not respond.

Ryan then says, “Hello again, Dr. Ellen. I was a long-time listener. And a first-time caller.”

End.

END WITH A FUTURE

Months after Jason has been killed –

Ellen meets Sorensen to thank him for his help. Ellen has fully recovered and is leaving San Francisco to start a new life. A small town with a new practice. She invites him to visit one day, and he accepts. Ellen gets in her car and drives off with Sorensen heading in the opposite direction.

MAJOR LAYER UNCOVERED

Jason has been killed –

Sorensen sends Ellen to the hospital to be with her daughters and returns to the police station to a hero’s welcome. He and the team tie up loose ends, but things don’t quite fit. He’s told to forget it. Jason was insane.

Sorensen receives a phone call from a local psychiatrist who explains Jason was being held at his clinic for two-week observation under a different name, another personality, and was released that morning after Ellen’s family was kidnapped. Sorensen investigates to discover Ryan was different person.

Following week, Ryan calls another radio station, compliments the host of the show, and tells him he’s a “long time listener. And a first-time caller.” And we begin again.

GOOD GUY WINS AFTER MUCH PAIN AND RISK

Ellen successfully draws William, Jason’s suicidal personality, from the darkness to confront Ryan, the psychotic personality, and save her daughters. But she quickly discovers William is no longer suicidal, and he throws in with Ryan to assume control of Jason.

Ellen targets William’s ego, picking at him that he was a footnote in a book about Jason, arguing the same will happen to him again, returned to the darkness while Ryan receives the attention. She turns William against Ryan until the two egos collide, righting for dominance until a gun goes off. For a silent moment, nothing is heard, the call drops. Ellen in a panic. Det. Sorensen burst into the on-air studio to tell her Jason (William) killed himself and her daughters are saved.

Ellen leaves for the hospital to be with her daughters, and Sorensen visits the crime scene to tie up the loose ends about the case.

Months later, Ellen has returned to private practice where she belongs.

GREAT PROTAGONIST STRATEGY

Ellen successfully draws William, Jason’s suicidal personality, from the darkness to confront Ryan, the psychotic personality, and save her daughters. Ellen delves into William’s psyche, convincing him that he’s stronger than Ryan, that he can take the gun and protect his daughters.

Ryan intercedes, ever-present, and grabs Ellen’s eldest daughter, threatening to killer her if Ellen doesn’t stop pressuring William. Ellen continues to push William to be strong and step up, save her daughters. Ryan laughs at Ellen’s attempt, mocking William and threatening Ellen’s daughter.

Ellen then tells Ryan she knows something about William that he doesn’t. “And what’s that?” William was a member of Special Forces who suffers from PTSD, and that she knows Ryan isn’t not one of Jason’s personalities. He’s a separate person. She’s known from the beginning and tricked Ryan into letter her bring William forward. She then turns William loose on Ryan, who kills Ryan and savers her daughters and Jason, her patient, from Ryan.

Months later, Ellen has returned to private practice where she belongs.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Three Endings

What I learned Doing This Assignment

Playing with the different endings, I have imagined a better twist and climax for my story. I intend to combine the crisis and climax from the down ending with the crisis and climax from my original ironic ending. This lesson really was a breakthrough for my script.

HAPPY ENDING/UP ENDING

Beginning of 3^rd Act – Down

Ellen fails to draw William out, Jason’s suicidal personality, and her plan to pressure him into committing suicide and save her daughters from Ryan, Jason’s psychotic personality, has failed.

Twists

Bobby, Jason’s child personality, reemerges and explains that William was banished during therapy with Dr. Sullivan. William is gone. Ellen, learning the police are enroute, engages Bobby in conversation about his boyhood to stall.

Crisis

When Bobby becomes suspicious of Ellen’s constant questions, he realizes the police are closing in, and Ryan resumes control. He drags Ellen’s daughters from the locked room to kill them.

Climax

Ellen, Bobby, and Ryan engage in battle of wills until the sound a door bursts open and SWAT storms in. Gunshots ring out. The phone goes dead. The call is dropped. And for an agonizing silent minute, Ellen doesn’t know who’s been killed. Det. Sorensen bursts with the news: Jason is dead; her daughters are saved.

Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

Ellen has saved her daughters and has overcome her self-doubt as a psychologist.

TRAGEDY/DOWN ENDING

Beginning of 3^rd Act – Up

Ellen successfully produces William, Jason’s suicidal personality, bringing him to the forefront for her to pressure him to commit suicide and save her daughters from Ryan, Jason’s psychotic personality.

Twists

William has been cured of his suicidal feeling by Dr. Sullivan.

Crisis

William decides he likes being in the present and throws in with Ryan, and with time ticking down, Ryan drags Ellen’s eldest daughter from the locked room to kill her.

Climax

Ellen triangulates William against Ryan, pitting one personality against the other. She toys with William’s vanity, arguing that he will be returned to the darkness, cast aside by the authorities to study Ryan. But her plan backfires, and William takes total control and banishes Ryan to the darkness. She has replaced one villain for another. William thanks her for bringing him forward, but apologizes for what must now happen, and hangs up with Ellen screaming for her daughters.

Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

Ellen fails to save her daughters and winds up in a mental institution, the psychologist becoming the patient.

IRONIC ENDING

Beginning of 3^rd Act

Ellen has successfully drawn-out William, Jason’s suicidal personality, to the forefront to pressure him into committing suicide to save her daughters from Ryan, Jason’s psychotic personality.

Twists

With his personality ever-present, Ryan intercedes between Ellen and William, thwarting Ellen’s plan and pitting her against a suicidal manic-depressive and a murderous psychopath.

Crisis

Ryan, pushed to the limit, drags one of Ellen’s daughters from the locked room and threatens to killer her on air to stop Ellen from pressuring William to commit suicide.

Climax

Ellen, William, and Ryan engage in a triangulated battle of wills until the sound of a gunshot breaks the fight. The phone goes dead. The call in dropped. And for an agonizing silent minute, Ellen doesn’t know who’s been killed, until Det. Sorensen bursts with the news: Jason is dead; her daughters are saved.

Whether the Protagonist got their goal, need, neither, or both.

Ellen saves her children, but she has lost her humanity, pushing her patient to kill himself.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Third Act Structure

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

Understanding the Third Act enables me to better outline the SETUP and REVEAL moments throughout the script and advance the story in a way to satisfy a reader/audience. Much like the movie I reviewed, the Usual Suspects, I need to insert subtle SETUPS to lead an audience in one direction, only to REVEAL the TWIST ending they never suspected.

What is it that fascinates you about this story?

Would a psychologist, committed to helping others, commit an act of evil save her family?

What is the main conflict of the story?

The psychotic personality of a DID patient threatens to kill a radio psychologist’s family on air unless she commits a horrific act against her patient.

What is the main goal/need of your protagonist?

Rescue her family from the protagonist.

What is the character arc of your main character?

Self-doubting therapist to powerful psychologist.

How do you want the movie to end?

Positive/Negative. Protagonist saves her family but loses her humanity.

PLOT POINT 2

Ellen brings Jason’s suicidal alter forward and bulldozes him to commit suicide to save her family.

CRISIS

Ryan, the psychotic personality, reemerges as Ellen tries to convince William, the suicidal personality, to commit suicide, and the two personalities occupy the same reality, fighting each other for dominance.

CLIMAX

Ellen pushes William, the suicidal alter, to kill himself to save her daughters.

RESOLUTION

Sorensen, the police detective, ties up loose ends only to discover that Jason, the DID patient, was not the real kidnapper/killer and the real killer is still at large.

FINAL PAGE

The real killer, still posing as Ryan, the psychotic alter, calls another radio show and begins again.

[Dana Abbott]

<div>PS81 – Dana’s Great Ending
</div><div>

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

</div>

The amount of detail revealed in the third act that was setup in the beginning of the movie/script was amazing. Every detail seemed innocuous until the truth was revealed in the Climax and Resolution. I need to understand my ending in detail before I start writing the beginning.

MOVIE: THE USUAL SUSPECTS

BASIC STORY SETUP TO THE THIRD ACT

Five career criminals – Dean Keaton, Verbal Kint, Michael McManus, Fred Fenster, and Todd Hockney – are unwillingly recruited by a mysterious crime boss, Keyser Soze, and forced to raid a ship holding $91 million worth of cocaine. The cash for the transaction is their reward, should they survive.

3^RD ACT POINTS

Parked at the marina, Keaton explains the certain death scenario of the heist. But the team doesn’t care. McManus and Hockney are determined. They want their cut if they go in. These are men who never lay down, as stated by Verbal in the Opening.

McManus remarks “The news said it’s raining in New York.” SUBTEXT: How did we get here? All the men reflect on the statement.

That night, they raid the ship and kill the gangsters and begin their search for the cocaine.

SETUP: Before the raid, Verbal identifies the language of the drug dealers at Hungarian. He’s smarter than he pretends.

TWIST: During interrogation, Kujan learns that there was no cocaine on the ship.

REVEAL: During the raid, a man hiding in a cabin aboard the ship, who is eventually shot by an unseen assailant, cries out – “He’s here. He’s here. It’s Keyser Soze!”

CRISIS: Hockney and McManus are killed. And from his hiding place on the dock, Verbal watches a mysterious figure shoot and kill Keaton and set fire to the ship.

CLIMAX: Kujan explains his theory to Verbal that Keaton must be Söze.

1) The man killed on the ship was Arturo Marquez, a drug dealer who could identify Söze.

2) Argentinians were selling Marquez to Söze’s rivals for $91 million.

3) Keaton organized the lineup through his contacts as a NYPD cop.

4) He wrangled the will of men he knew he could march into certain death.

5) Keaton knew his girlfriend, Edie Finneran, represented Marquez in an extradition.

6) Keaton used the raid as camouflage to kill Marquez and fake his own death.

7) Eddie was found murdered in a Pennsylvania hotel.

Verbal breaks down and confesses Keaton was behind everything. “It was all Keaton. We followed him from the beginning.”

Kujan warns Verbal that Keaton is waiting to kill him once he is released and to testify against him in court. But Verbal refuses. He’s not a rat. Verbal is then released.

At the hospital, the sketch artist completes the sketch of Keyser Soze, which his faxed to Baer at the police station.

REVEAL: Verbal collects his belongings from the property clerk, his gold cigarette lighter and his gold watch, and leaves the building. These are the same cigarette lighter an watch used by Keyser in the opening scene.

RESOLUTION: As Kujan sips his coffee relaxing, he suddenly realizes Verbal made-up the entire story from details found in the office where Kujan conducted the interrogation. A VOICE OVER of Verbal’s false statement’s plays as the story, with flashbacks, unravels.

REVEAL: The manufacturer’s label on the bottom of Kujan’s coffee mug reads: Kobayashi.

Kujan races after Verbal as the fax arrives at the station. Bear, waiting by the machine, examines the fax.

REVEAL: The composite looks like Verbal, proving Verbal is Keyser Soze.

REVEAL: On the street, Verbal loses his limp and flexes his crippled hand. He lights a cigarette with his gold lighter, holding it European style, as he did when released from the NYPD police station.

Verbal climbs into a Jaguar driven by Kobayashi, and they drive away, leaving Kujan standing on the street exasperated and defeated.

SETUPS IN THE FIRST TWO ACTS:

OPEN: Dean Keaton lies wounded on a ship. He lights a cigarette and uses the matches to ignite the fuel spilling over the deck. The flame is extinguished by a dark figure who then confronts Keaton. Looking up, Keaton recognizes the man he calls “Keyser.” Using his left hand, Keyser shoots Keaton and sets the ship on fire making his escape.

SETUP: Keaton has been betrayed by someone named Keyser whose identity is revealed in the final act of the movie. Keyser lights a cigarette with a unique gold lighter and wears a very expensive gold watch.

Interrogated in the Attorney General’s office, Verbal Kint recites events in VOICE OVER:

In NY, the “Usual Suspects” are arrested: McManus, Hockney and Fenster. Keaton is arrested by Agent Kujan during a dinner meeting in an Italian restaurant, suspected of a truck hijacking.

SETUP: Agent Kujan is obsessed with Keaton, a one-time cop gone bad, which plays out in the Third Act when he convinces himself and Verbal that Keaton is Keyser Soze.

Verbal, a cripple with bad left arm, limps through hallway leading Keaton and the others into a lineup still telling the story in Voice Over. During the interrogation, Verbal describes the “Usual Suspects” as men who would never lay down for anybody.

SETUP: This description is proved true at the beginning of the Third Act when greed for the $91 million overpowers their reason.

INCITING INDICENT: To get revenge on the cops, McManus proposes to rob a smuggler being escorted by corrupt cops. Keaton wants nothing to do with the job. He has a new life with his lawyer-girlfriend, Eddie Finneran.

The next day, FBI agent Jack Bear arrives on scene to witness the carnage at the marina. He’s told about the two survivors: a Hungarian mobster, and a cripple from New York – Verbal Kint.

SETUP: A body of a man (Arturo Marquez), wearing a bathrobe, floats in the bay.

Special agent Dave Kujan arrives in LA to interrogate Verbal, while FBI agent Jack Baer questions the Hungarian survivor in the hospital.

SETUP: The Hungarian blurts out the name Keyser Soze, identifying the mysterious figure on the boat, intriguing Jack Baer.

Kujan interrogates Verbal at the police station, who describes events via flashback.

Released from the police station, Keaton laments the events of his arrest to Eddie, realizing the cops will never let him go straight. In his frustration, he makes eye contact with the others loitering nearby on the street. They know they need him for the job, but he’s torn between revenge and loyalty to Eddie.

SETUP: Verbal smokes a cigarette holding it European style.

At Eddie’s apartment, Verbal recruits Keaton with the promise no-one gets killed. The job goes off as planned. No-one is killed, the team earns millions in emeralds, and the corrupt cops are arrested. They decide to lay low in LA.

SETUP: During the interrogation, Kujan reveals Keaton’s background to Verbal: a corrupt ex-cop who killed witnesses and faked his own death. See CLIMAX #6.

SETUP: At the hospital, the Hungarian describes Keyser Soze to a sketch artist. The sketch is revealed during the Climax.

Keaton and the others travel to California and fence the jewels through McManus’ associate, Redfoot, who tells them of another job.

SETUP: Verbal says about Redfoot that “he seemed like a good guy. But they should have known.”

They accept the job, but the robbery goes wrong. They inadvertently kill a drug dealer and steal the heroin belonging to Keyser Soze.

SETUP: Verbal kills the drug dealer, exposing them to a murder charge used to blackmail them into raiding the ship.

They learn the job was arranged by a lawyer named Kobayashi, working for Keyser Soze, who setup the lineup in NY hoping to approach the men regarding the raid. He explains how each man unwittingly stole from Soze in the past, and they need to repay their debt by raiding the ship. He blackmails them by threatening to turn them over to the police for killing the drug dealer.

REVEAL: Hockey hijacked the gun parts at the beginning that drew the others into the plot.

ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE: During his interrogation, Verbal tells Agent Kujan about Soze’s legend. Soze was a drug runner who killed his own family and the mobsters holding them hostage, then murdered the mobsters’ families, their friends, and anyone who owed them money before he vanished. Soze became a legend, working indirectly with other criminals who never knew his identity.

END OF ACT 2: Fenster is found killed after trying to escape. The team decides to kill Kobayashi, believing Soze is a “spook story.” But when Kobayashi threatens to kill their loved ones, including Eddie Finneran, they’re forced to accept the assignment, believing Keyser Soze is very real.

SETUP: Eddie is working unwittingly for Soze, via Kobayashi, on an extradition case that is revealed during the Climax.

[Dana Abbott]

I am running late these days. But if anyone still needs or wants to exchange critiques, please let me know. I have posted my most recent scene today. Thanks,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Kick-Ass Dialogue

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

I’m a little behind again.

This is a first run and it needs editing. I hope I learned to add as much Advance Dialogue techniques every line using the skill mastery sheet.

SETUP:

Ellen, William, and Ryan are matched in their final battle. This is just dialogue. I intend to cut the police dialogue and the SWAT response into the scene later. I needed to prefect the protagonist/antagonist(s) dialogue first.

SCENE:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen wipes her tears, regaining control.

WILLIAM

I want to apologize for what happened in our last session, doctor. I wasn’t myself.

ELLEN

I understand — more than you know.

WILLIAM

I wasn’t sure if —

William suddenly panics, realizing his surroundings.

WILLIAM (CONT’D)

Wait! What? What the hell? Where am I? What is this? Where am I?

ELLEN

William, it’s okay. It’s okay. Stay with me. Don’t be afraid. Listen to my voice. Stay calm. Stay with me.

WILLIAM

What’s happening? Where am I? Who the fuck is that?

ELLEN

William? It’s okay.

WILLIAM

Oh, my God. Is that a man? Is he dead? Oh my God! What’s going on?

ELLEN

William…?

(stronger)

William!

WILLIAM

…what…?

ELLEN

Something bad has happened. A man has been killed. But it wasn’t your fault. You need to know that. It wasn’t your fault.

WILLIAM

Oh, my God…

ELLEN

William? You need to stay with me. You need to stay calm. Can you do that? Can you be strong for me?

WILLIAM

Yes… I think so…

ELLEN

You’ve been gone for a long time. You’ve been kept in a dark place. Things have changed.

WILLIAM

Because of what I did?

ELLEN

Jason has met someone new. His name is Ryan. He speaks for the others now. And he wanted to meet you.

WILLIAM

Why?

ELLEN

I told him about you.

WILLIAM

Why would you do that?

ELLEN

William? Jason has been ill for a long time. You know this. And the others are tired of living his life. They believe it’s time for you, for all of you, to separate from him.

WILLIAM

But… but hat’s isn’t possible.

ELLEN

They want someone strong to take control. To put Jason in the dark. For his own good… and theirs.

(fighting her conscience)

And I agree with them.

She turns away from the microphone, her emotions torn. She’s violating her oath.

WILLIAM

This can’t be happening.

ELLEN

Don’t be afraid, William. This is what you’ve wanted. What we talked about. Remember? Recognition.

Silence. A long beat.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

William…? William…?

WILLIAM

Who’s the man on the floor?

The question staggers Ellen. Roger’s name chokes in her throat. She fights through her pain.

ELLEN

William, stay with me.

WILLIAM

(frightened; angry)

WHO IS HE?!

Ellen flinches, struggling to hold it together.

ELLEN

His name is Roger…

(tearing)

He’s my husband.

WILLIAM

Oh, dear God…

ELLEN

William? It wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn’t your fault. Ryan — he did a terrible thing.

WILLIAM

I can see him… I can see him smiling at me.

ELLEN

William? Stay with me. Don’t leave. Don’t retreat to the dark. I need you to focus. To listen to what I’m saying. Do you hear me?

WILLIAM

Yes… I hear you…

ELLEN

Jason isn’t strong enough anymore. And the others are weak and scared. But you’re strong. And smart. And that’s why I summoned you from the dark. Why I called you to the fore.

WILLIAM

Why?

ELLEN

Do you know how long you’ve been away? How long they kept you in the dark?

(beat)

Two years, William. Two years.

WILLIAM

No. That’s not possible…

ELLEN

Search your feelings. You know it’s true. You heard them, all those years, whispering in the abyss.

WILLIAM

(agreeing)

Yes.

ELLEN

Conspiring…

WILLIAM

(angry)

Yes.

ELLEN

Winning…

WILLIAM

(vindictive)

Yes.

ELLEN

Because of what you did.

WILLIAM

Because of what I didn’t do.

ELLEN

Yes.

WILLIAM

And now they want me to be the one. To send Jason to the abyss. Those parasites.

ELLEN

But you won’t be allowed to stay. None of you will. Not now. Not after what Ryan has done. It’s inevitable.

WILLIAM

Nothing is inevitable.

ELLEN

There’s something you don’t know. Something I haven’t told you.

(beat)

William?

(clears her throat)

Ryan has taken my daughters.

WILLIAM

What? No, no…

ELLEN

He has them. In another room. And he’s threatening to harm them. My babies… Ryan is threatening my babies…

WILLIAM

But that’s Ryan — not me. Not us. How can they blame us?

ELLEN

That doesn’t matter. They’ll send Jason to prison. They’ll lock him away, and banish you to the dark, never to escape again. You’ll be bound to the others forever…

WILLIAM

No.

ELLEN

Whispering…

WILLIAM

No.

ELLEN

Conspiring…

WILLIAM

No.

ELLEN

Blaming you for the lives of my daughters.

WILLIAM

Oh, my God.

ELLEN

Is that what you want, William? To be imprisoned with the others? To be haunted by your memories of my daughters?

WILLIAM

Oh, God, no — NO!

ELLEN

Then help me, William. Help me. Help yourself.

WILLIAM

How…?

ELLEN

You know how? You know how?

Long beat. William thinking. Realizing.

WILLIAM

This is why you called on me, isn’t it? Because of what I did. What I tried to do.

ELLEN

You want to be at peace, William. You want to be free of the others. You don’t want them to win again, do you?

WILLIAM

Why are you doing this to me? Why?

ELLEN

It’s the only way, William. It’s the only way. You have to save my daughters. You have to save them from Ryan.

WILLIAM

I can’t. I can’t…

ELLEN

(shouting)

You have to!

Ellen slaps a hand over her mouth. She recovers her calm.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

William? You must help me. If you don’t, Ryan will hurt them. Do you understand? Do you want him to hurt my daughters? Do you want them to haunt you? Do you want the others to blame you? You’re the only one who can stop him. William. Please. My children…

WILLIAM

I can’t…

ELLEN

Yes, you can. You have the gun, William. It’s in your hand.

WILLIAM

Ryan has the gun. He won’t let go of it.

ELLEN

Take it from him, William. Take it. Focus. See it in your hand. Take it from him. Be stronger than Ryan. Be stronger…

Long silent beat.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

William…?

(listening)

William…?

A change in BREATHING. Then a deep, sinister CHUCKLE —

RYAN (V.O.)

Impressive, Dr. Ellen. Truly impressive. Pushing a depressive to commit suicide? You do play for blood, don’t you? Even if it costs you your soul.

Ellen collapses, near defeat. Her head and strength dangling.

RYAN

Doctor Ellen? Are you still with us? Don’t surrender the cause now. You’re so close. And it’s getting interesting.

Ellen lifts her head to the microphone, weakened.

ELLEN

William…? William?

RYAN

He’s not here, doctor.

ELLEN

William? I know you can hear me. I know you’re there. Please, listen to my voice. You have to be brave. My children…

(beat)

My children need you.

RYAN

He’s not coming back, doctor. And the hour is closing in. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

ELLEN

William? Please. Come toward my voice. Be strong.

RYAN

He’s gone, doctor.

ELLEN

(stronger)

He’s not gone. He’s never gone. He’s always there. You can feel him. Deep in the black recesses. And that scares you. Knowing he’s inside of you, lurking… waiting.

RYAN

Waiting? Really? For what?

ELLEN

To end you. To be rid of you. All of you. To end his pain and cease to exist. That’s why you keep him in the dark. To save yourselves.

RYAN

Self preservation. Survival of the fittest. You of all people should understand that, doctor.

ELLEN

The desire to harm oneself is more powerful than the desire to harm another. And that makes William stronger than you. Braver.

(beat)

You’re a coward, Ryan.

RYAN

Careful, doctor.

ELLEN

William? I know you’re there. I know you’re watching. Do you see? Do you see Ryan? How afraid he is of you? He’s a coward.

RYAN

You don’t love your daughters, do you, doctor?

ELLEN

William? Do you hear his words. Do you feel his fear. He knows what you’re capable of doing. He feels your power. He knows you can take his existence.

RYAN

He’s not listening to you, doctor.

ELLEN

William? It’s time to come forward. To return from the dark. To assume control and save yourself, You need to save yourself, William. To end your pain.

RYAN

He’s beyond your reach. He’s never coming back.

ELLEN

This is your moment, William. You need to come forward. Acknowledge and embrace your fate. You don’t want the others to win. Not again. Not this time.

RYAN

Leave him be, you miserable quack. Leave him be!

ELLEN

Come forward William! This is your time. Your last chance. Do it now, William. Do it now!

RYAN

You fucking bitch —

YELLING. Someone on pain. MOANING. FIGHTING.

ELLEN

William?

Beat.

WILLIAM

What are you doing to me?

ELLEN

William. Ryan has cursed you. He’s cursed all of you. You know what he intends to do. You have to stop him. You’re the only one who can.

RYAN

Yes, William. Stop me. Try and stop me.

Ellen sits back, stunned. Both alters are interacting.

ELLEN

William? Is Ryan with you now?

RYAN

Where else do I have to go, doctor?

ELLEN

William? You have to stop him. You know what he intends to do. Please! You have to save my daughters. You have to save yourself.

RYAN

Yes, William. Save yourself. Put a bullet in your head.

ELLEN

William? Ryan has cursed you. He’s cursed all of you. You won’t come back from this. None of you will. You know what they will do to you.

(beat)

William? Do you hear me?

WILLIAM

Yes.

ELLEN

You know where they will send you?

WILLIAM

Yes.

ELLEN

Do you want that to happen?

WILLIAM

No.

ELLEN

Then take the gun, William. Take the gun.

RYAN

Yes, William. Take it. I dare you. Take it from me.

ELLEN

Take it, William. Feel it in your hand. Feel it’s weight. Feel it’s power. Take it, William! Take it.

WILLIAM

I can’t…

RYAN

Maybe William needs an incentive. What do you say, doc? Let’s make this interesting. Let’s up the ante. Shall we?

ELLEN

William? What does he mean? What’s happening?

We HEAR FOOTSTEPS away from the phone. A DOOR OPENS. GIRLS SCREAM — Ellen’s daughters.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

WILLIAM! WILLIAM! YOU HAVE TO STOP HIM! PLEASE… STOP HIM!

One of the girls is brought into the room.

SAMANTHA

MOMMY! MOMMY!

ELLEN

SAMANTHA!

We HEAR Mackenzie CRYING, screaming in the b.g. Samantha CRYING for her “MOMMY.”

ELLEN (CONT’D)

SAMANTHA!

RYAN

Now we’ve got a game. C’mon, Dr. Ellen. Let’s play.

ELLEN

Stop this! STOP THIS!

SAMANTHA

MOMMY! MOMMY!

ELLEN

William! William! Stop him! You have to STOP HIM!

WILLIAM

I can’t…

ELLEN

You have to! You have to!

RYAN

Who’s the coward now, doctor?

ELLEN

William! Take the gun! See it in your hand! Take the gun!

RYAN

Yes, William. Take the gun. Come take the gun.

ELLEN

William. Look at my daughter. Look at her. Her name is Samantha. She’s only twelve. Please, don’t let Ryan hurt her. Please…

WILLIAM

I’m sorry…

ELLEN

Stop him! You have to stop him! Please… Don’t let him hurt my daughter! Don’t let Ryan win!

William YELLS in agony. Fighting.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

William! WILLIAM!

SAMANTHA

MOMMY!

ELLEN

WILLIAM…!

BANG! The gun FIRES. The cell phone DROPS and BREAKS. The call ends.

ELLEN jumps from her chair. Shock steals her breath.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

<div>PS81 – Dana’s Colorful Dialogue
</div><div>

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

</div>

Dialogue needs to “pop.” Don’t hold back, push the extremes to define character.

SETUP:

Ryan, the psychotic alter, has revealed on air that he’s kidnapped Ellen’s family.

SCENE:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen nods.

RYAN

Dr. Ellen? Come out, come out wherever you are.

ELLEN

I’m here —

RYAN

For a moment, I thought I’d lost you.

ELLEN

What do you want?

RYAN

We’ll get to that. But first, we need to lay the ground rules.

ELLEN

Ground rules?

RYAN

Let me begin by apologizing to your sporting enthusiasts. The Dr. Ellen Show will be running long today, so Dick Metcalf’s Sports Bonanza will be bumped until further notice.

ELLEN

Why are you doing this?

RYAN

Your station may want to consider refunding its advertising revenue to the sponsors. I’m going to demand your undivided attention today, and that means your show can never leave the air, not for a single moment. No news updates. No commercials. No station breaks. Not even a PSA for orphaned puppies. Or the show’s over. Do you uderstand?

ELLEN

Please, don’t do this…

Pete join the team in the control room. He can’t believe what’s happening.

RYAN

I also don’t want our time infected by outsiders. We have a good thing here, you and I, so no interlopers. No family. No friends.

(with emphasis)

And no cops. Their involvement only adds tension to an already emotional situation. Besides, this is what you get paid to do.

Ellen looks to Sorensen — he nods.

ELLEN

Okay. No police.

RYAN

Good. Now we’ve come to the theme for our show. It’s about second chances — yours, Dr. Ellen.

ELLEN

What do you mean?

RYAN

I’m going to give you a second chance to redeem yourself.

ELLEN

I don’t understand.

RYAN

Do you know what it’s like to live on the streets? Begging people for money? Digging through garbage for bottles and cans? Not knowing where you’re going to sleep one night to the next? The stench. The filth. It’s intolerable.

ELLEN

Please, just tell me. What do you want?

RYAN

The others and I have grown weary of living Jason’s hellish life. We need a reprieve. And you’re going to help us.

(beat)

You’re going to use all of your psychological prowess to excise Jason from our reality.

ELLEN

What?

RYAN

You’re going to convince Jason to cease to exist.

Ellen turns to the others with stunned disbelieve.

ELLEN

That’s impossible. I can’t do that.

RYAN

Don’t quit before you get started, Ellen. That’s defeatist talk. Your family’s depending on you.

ELLEN

My family?

RYAN

I intend to kill one member of your family every hour on the hour until Jason is no more.

ELLEN

Oh, dear God. No, no. Please. You can’t do this. You can’t. Please, no… not my family…

RYAN

Greatness requires sacrifice and pain, Ellen. Embrace it. It’s a gift. A moment in time given to achieve the extraordinary.

ELLEN

This is insane…

RYAN

We live between genius and madness. You of all people should appreciate that. This is your awakening. Your becoming.

ELLEN

Please, I’m begging you. Don’t do this. Please…

RYAN

Don’t worry, Ellen. I have faith in you.

Shock takes Ellen, crying without sound.

RYAN (CONT’D)

Now… let’s talk.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Subtext Pointers 2

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

Subtext is a great way to lead an audience in a direction without revealing the underlying intent until the dramatic end of the scene.

SETUP:

Ellen has successfully drawn William, the suicidal alter from the opening scene, into the mix to push him to commit suicide to saver her daughters from Ryan, the psychopathic alter.

I struggled to write this scene. This is the most pivotal moment in the script between the antagonist and protagonist. It’s first draft, and will need editing, but I wanted to get is as close to perfect as possible.

SCENE:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen wipes her tears, regaining control.

WILLIAM

I want to apologize for what happened in our last session, doctor. I wasn’t myself.

ELLEN

I understand — more than you know.

WILLIAM

I wasn’t sure if —

William suddenly panics, realizing his surroundings.

WILLIAM (CONT’D)

Wait! What? What the hell? Where am I? What is this? Where am I?

ELLEN

William, it’s okay. It’s okay. Stay with me. Don’t be afraid. Listen to my voice. Stay calm. Stay with me.

WILLIAM

What’s happening? Where am I? Who the fuck is that?

ELLEN

William? It’s okay.

WILLIAM

Oh, my God. Is that a man? Is he dead? Oh my God! What’s going on?

ELLEN

William…?

(stronger)

William!

WILLIAM

…what…?

ELLEN

Something bad has happened. A man has been killed. But it wasn’t your fault. You need to know that. It wasn’t your fault.

WILLIAM

Oh, my God…

ELLEN

William? You need to stay with me. You need to stay calm. Can you do that? Can you be strong for me?

WILLIAM

Yes… I think so…

ELLEN

You’ve been gone for a long time. You’ve been kept in a dark place. Things have changed.

WILLIAM

Because of what I did?

ELLEN

Jason has met someone new. His name is Ryan. He speaks for the others now. And he wanted to meet you.

WILLIAM

Why?

ELLEN

I told him about you.

WILLIAM

Why would you do that?

ELLEN

William? Jason has been ill for a long time. You know this. And the others are tired of living his life. They believe it’s time for you, for all of you, to separate from him.

WILLIAM

But… but that’s not possible.

ELLEN

They want someone strong to take control. To put Jason in the dark. For his own good… and theirs.

(fighting her conscience)

And I agree with them.

She turns away from the microphone, her emotions torn. She’s violating her oath.

WILLIAM

This can’t be happening.

ELLEN

Don’t be afraid, William. This is what you’ve wanted. What we talked about. Remember? Recognition.

Silence. A long beat.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

William…? William…?

WILLIAM

Who’s the man on the floor?

The question staggers Ellen. Roger’s name chokes in her throat. She fights through her pain.

ELLEN

William, stay with me.

WILLIAM

(frightened; angry)

WHO IS HE?!

Ellen flinches, struggling to hold it together.

ELLEN

His name is Roger…

(tearing)

He’s my husband.

WILLIAM

Oh, dear God…

ELLEN

William? It wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn’t your fault. Ryan — he did a terrible thing.

WILLIAM

I can see him… I can see him smiling at me.

ELLEN

William? Stay with me. Don’t leave. Don’t retreat to the dark. I need you to focus. To listen to what I’m saying. Do you hear me?

WILLIAM

Yes… I hear you…

ELLEN

Jason isn’t strong enough anymore. And the others are weak and scared. But you’re strong. And smart. And that’s why I summoned you from the dark. Why I called you to the fore.

WILLIAM

Why?

ELLEN

Do you know how long you’ve been away? How long they kept you in the dark?

(beat)

Two years, William. Two years.

WILLIAM

No. That’s not possible…

ELLEN

Search your feelings. You know it’s true. You heard them, all those years, whispering in the abyss.

WILLIAM

(agreeing)

Yes.

ELLEN

Conspiring…

WILLIAM

(angry)

Yes.

ELLEN

Winning…

WILLIAM

(vindictive)

Yes.

ELLEN

Because of what you did.

WILLIAM

Because of what I didn’t do.

ELLEN

Yes.

WILLIAM

And now they want me to be the one. To send Jason to the abyss. Those parasites.

ELLEN

But you won’t be allowed to stay. None of you will. Not now. Not after what Ryan has done. It’s inevitable.

WILLIAM

Nothing is inevitable.

ELLEN

There’s something you don’t know. Something I haven’t told you.

(beat)

William?

(clears her throat)

Ryan has taken my daughters.

WILLIAM

What? No, no…

ELLEN

He has them. In another room. And he’s threatening to harm them. My babies… Ryan is threatening my babies…

WILLIAM

But that’s Ryan — not me. Not us. How can they blame us?

ELLEN

That doesn’t matter. They’ll send Jason to prison. They’ll lock him away, and banish you to the dark, never to escape again. You’ll be bound to the others forever…

WILLIAM

No.

ELLEN

Whispering…

WILLIAM

No.

ELLEN

Conspiring…

WILLIAM

No.

ELLEN

Blaming you for the lives of my daughters.

WILLIAM

Oh, my God.

ELLEN

Is that what you want, William? To be imprisoned with the others? To be haunted by your memories of my daughters?

WILLIAM

Oh, God, no — NO!

ELLEN

Then help me, William. Help me. Help yourself.

WILLIAM

How…?

ELLEN

You know how? You know how?

Long beat. William thinking. Realizing.

WILLIAM

This is why you called on me from the dark. Isn’t it? You know what I did. You know what I intended to do.

ELLEN

It’s the only way, William. It’s the only way for you to be at peace. To save my daughters. You have to save my daughters from Ryan.

WILLIAM

I can’t. I can’t…

ELLEN

(shouting)

You have to!

Ellen slaps a hand over her mouth. She recovers her calm.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

William? You have to help me. If you don’t, Ryan will hurt them. Do you understand? Do you want him to hurt my daughters? Do you want him to kill my children? You’re the only one who can stop him. Please. William. Please. My children…

WILLIAM

I can’t.

ELLEN

Yes, you can. You have the gun, William. It’s in your hand.

WILLIAM

Ryan has the gun. He won’t let go.

ELLEN

Take it from him, William. Take it. You’re stronger than Ryan. Focus. See it in your hand. Take it from him.

Long silent beat. Ellen listens.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

William…? William…?

A change in BREATHING. Then —

RYAN (V.O.)

Impressive. Truly impressive.

(beat)

Pushing a manic-depressive patient to commit suicide? You certainly play for blood, don’t you?

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Cover-ups

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

Using a cover-up method to hide a character’s emotions creates empathy and depth for the character and draws the audience into the story.

METHOD OF COVER UP:

Silence – Ellen falters, not wanting to disappoint her family. She says nothing, biting her lip.

Action Incongruent with Words – “Not only did I get the job, he gave me a raise.” Ellen throws her phone against the wall.

Change Subject – “Why don’t we order pizza tonight for dinner?”

Question Them – “Did the girls remember their homework?”

Attack Back – “I thought we agreed not to use Uber anymore.”

Compliment Them – “I bet you girls look cute in your new outfits today.”

Threaten Them – “You girls better have your homework done by the time I get home today.”

Confirm Something True/Not True – “Yes. He offered me the job.”

Misdirection – “Are we going to grandma’s house this weekend?”

Inappropriate Reaction – “Do I call you in the middle of your work and interrupt you?”

Distraction – “If you don’t have your car, will you still be able to pick them up after school?”

Make a Joke – “You guys really like getting into my business, don’t you?”

Continue if Nothing Happened – “Pete hasn’t said anything to me yet. You’ll find out as soon as I know something.”

SETUP

Ellen has been told by the station manager that the station is not going to pick up the option on her contract. And she only has two weeks left.

SCENE:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen settles in at the microphone. She fidgets with her chair, adjusting the height up and puts on her headphones.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Claire, headset on, getting ready — adjusting the sound board, checking the caller screen.

CLAIRE
Ellen? You want to give me a sound check?

ELLEN
(into microphone)
This is the Dr. Ellen Show on KCSF, thirteen-sixty AM, San Francisco.

Claire holds up the okay sign.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen’s cell phone, face-up on the table, BUZZES. The screen reads ROGER, her husband.

Ellen stares at the phone, hesitating to answer. She looks up at Claire.

ELLEN
It’s Roger.

CLAIRE
You’ve only got two minutes.

Ellen answers the call, putting on speaker. The sound is loud and airy, lots of road noise. Roger is almost yelling.

ELLEN
Hi, Honey.

ROGER
Hi, Babe. Hold on.
(to someone else)
Say hello to Mommy.

SAMANTHA
Hi, Mommy. Love you.

MACKENZIE
Love you, Mommy.

ELLEN
Where are you guys?

ROGER
We’re on the way to the girls’ school. I had to take Uber. My car wouldn’t start again. Alternator. Generator. Who knows? I called the school and told them they’d be late.
(to driver)
No. Wait. You just missed the turn. We’re going to the school first.
(back to Ellen)
The girls wanted to call and find out… So? What did Pete say? Did you get it?

Ellen falters, not wanting to disappoint her family.
ELLEN
Yes. He offered me the job.

CHEERING on the other end.

ROGER
Oh, babe! That’s great! We knew you could do it. Look! Let’s celebrate tonight. Dinner as Seven Hills? How about it, girls? Does that sound good?

SAMANTHA
I want pizza.

MACKENZIE
Yeah. Pizza.

ROGER
Looks like pizza, babe.

ELLEN
Pizza is it.
(beat)
I have to do my show now.

ROGER
Okay, babe. I’m proud of you. Love you. Say goodbye.

SAMANTHA
Bye, Mommy. Love you.

MACKENZIE
Love you, Mommy.

ELLEN
Love you, too. See you tonight.

Ellen hangs up with a heavy heart. She looks to Claire.

CLAIRE
They’ll understand.
(looks at the time.)
Fifteen seconds.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Dialogue Structures

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

The scene below takes place when the station manager realizes the news vans are showing up at the radio station after the psychotic has threatened Ellen’s family on air.

This method showed me how to heighten the dialogue to create tension even in the most mundane of scenes.

Circular Dialogue: The receptionist informs the manager that the station owner is on the phone at the beginning of the scene, then reminds him as he leaves the lobby the owner is waiting to talk to him at the end.

Metaphoric Dialogue: The station manager comments the situation is a “monster.”

Two different: The manager is ordering the receptionist the call security, ignoring her telling him that the newspapers have been calling for a statement.

SCENE:

INT. RECEPTION, KCSF RADIO STATION – DAY

Gail is on her phone, frantic.

GAIL

(on phone)

He’s not in his office. I’ll see if I can find him — Oh, wait. Here he is.

Pete comes from nowhere.

PETE

What is it?

Gail motions to the front doors.

Pete takes a few steps closer.

PETE (CONT’D)

Oh, shit.

PETE’S POV

Two TV news vans have pulled into the parking lot. The crews are setting up on the front walk, getting ready to broadcast. A third van bounces into the lot.

BACK ON PETE

This is the worst thing right now.

PETE (CONT’D)

This is going to go national.

GAIL

Pete. Jerry is on line one. He’s been trying to get hold of you.

PETE

I’ll take it in my office.

GAIL

(into phone)

Mr. Stevens. I’ll put you through to Pete’s office. Can you hold?

PETE

Call building security. I want bodies on that door. Keep those jackals out. Nobody in.

GAIL

(dialing phone)

Harold O’Brien from the Chronicle called again. And the Tribune asked for a statement.

PETE

And call Bayside Security. I want cars in the lot before this thing turns into a circus.

GAIL

(into phone)

Security? This is Gail Simmons at Reception. I need guards down in the lobby, please.

PETE

This is a fucking monster.

Pete turns and leaves.

GAIL

Jerry Stevens on one.

PETE

I’m on it!

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

I reread my script and used the list of anticipatory dialogue to mark each line in the scene below. The multiple definitions of anticipatory dialogue helped me identify and intensity the protagonist/antagonist dialogue when I rewrote the scene.

SCENE:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN

(confused, anxious)

How do you know Jason?

RYAN

He’s a recent acquaintance.

ELLEN

Is he there with you?

RYAN

He’s not available. But there is someone here who’d like to speak with you. Hold on. Let me get him for you.

The SOUND of Ryan setting down his phone. Footsteps. A far door opens. MUFFLED VOICES — A MAN AND SCARED GIRLS. More footsteps, scuffling. Then quiet. Someone breathing on the phone.

RYAN (CONT’D)

(to someone else)

Talk.

ROGER

(scared, weak)

…Ellen…?

Ellen’s fears pour out. Eyes wide, tearing up.

ELLEN

(whimpered)

Roger…?

ROGER

(trembling breath)

It’s okay, baby. Nobody’s hurt. The girls are okay. They’re with me. But you need do what he wants —

The phone SET DOWN again. We HEAR Roger taken back to the room. The door is CLOSED and BOLTED.

ELLEN

Roger? Roger!

Ellen gulp for breath, in shock.

RYAN

Dr. Ellen? Are you still with me?

Ellen can’t speak.

RYAN (CONT’D)

I can here you breathing.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

SORENSEN

Can I talk to her without him hearing?

CLAIRE

The intercom.

She presses a button. Sorensen grabs the microphone.

SORENSEN

Ellen? Can you hear me?

Ellen looks to him.

SORENSEN (CONT’D)

Engage him. Find out what he wants. You need to keep him talking.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen nods.

RYAN

Dr. Ellen? Come out, come out wherever you are.

ELLEN

I’m here —

RYAN

For a moment, I thought I’d lost you.

ELLEN

What do you want?

RYAN

We’ll get to that. But first, we need to lay a few ground rules.

ELLEN

Ground rules?

RYAN

Let me begin by apologizing to our sporting enthusiasts. The Dr. Ellen Show will be running long today, so Dick Metcalf’s Sports Bonanza will be bumped until further notice.

ELLEN

Why are you doing this?

RYAN

Your station might also want to consider refunding your sponsors’ advertising dollars. I’m going to demand your undivided attention, which means your show can never leave the air. No commercials, no station breaks, no news updates. Nothing. Not even a PSA for orphaned puppies. Can we agree on that?

ELLEN

I think so…

RYAN

Good. I also don’t want our comity infected by outsiders. We have a good rapport, you and I, so no meddlers. No family, no friends, no bleeding hearts. Their involvement will only add tension to an already stressful situation. Besides, this is your milieu, what you get paid for. So no interlopers.

Through the partition, we see Pete join the team in the control room. He can’t believe what’s happening.

RYAN (CONT’D)

Oh, and no police. I know they’ll be monitoring our tete-a-tete, but I don’t want to smell their stink. If they come anywhere near me, I won’t be responsible for what happens. Do you understand?

Ellen looks to Sorensen for guidance — he nods.

ELLEN

Yes.

RYAN

And now we’ve come to the theme for our show. It’s about second chances — yours, Dr. Ellen.

ELLEN

What do you mean?

RYAN

Simple. I’m going to give you a second chance.

ELLEN

For what?

RYAN

Do you know what it’s like to be homeless? To live on the streets? Begging people for money? Digging through garbage for bottles and cans? Not knowing where you’re going to sleep from one night to the next? The filth. The stench. It’s intolerable.

ELLEN

I don’t understand…

RYAN

Jason has to go. He’s become a burden to us. And we can’t carry him anymore. And that’s where you fit in.

(beat)

You’re going to use all of your psychological powers to excise Jason from our reality.

ELLEN

What?

RYAN

You’re going to convince Jason to cease to exist.

ELLEN

Oh, dear God. I can’t do this. I can’t…

RYAN

Yes. You can. And you must — for your family.

ELLEN

My family?

RYAN

I intend to kill one member of your family every hour on the hour until Jason is no more.

ELLEN

Oh, God. No, no…

RYAN

Think of them as motivation, Ellen. Jason or your family.

ELLEN

Please, no. Don’t do this…

RYAN

Greatness requires sacrifice and pain, Ellen. A worthiness that can only be achieved by extraordinary circumstances. And I have faith in you. This your moment. Don’t fight it. Embrace it.

ELLEN

This is insane.

RYAN

Then it’s right up your alley.

Shock takes Ellen, crying without sound.

RYAN (CONT’D)

Now… let’s talk.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Contrast Scene

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

I returned to my 30 Day Script and rewrote the scene below.

Contrasting the dialogue to the action allowed my characters to show greater courage. They’re more concerned about remembering the title of a movie than their own deaths.

SETUP

Jack and Frank, ex-cops, are involved in a shootout in an abandoned steel mill surrounded by the last two protagonists. Frank is badly wounded.

SCENE

INT. ABANDONED STEEL MILL – NIGHT

Jack drags Frank to cover and sits him up. He checks Frank’s wounds. His partner is hit and bleeding.

JACK

We have to get you to a doctor.

Frank laughs through bloody teeth.

FRANK

With my luck, the first doctor you find will be a proctologist.

JACK

Come on.

Jack tries to hoist Frank to his feet, but Frank GROANS and puts a hand on Jack to stop him.

FRANK

Forget it. Forget it. I’m done. My fate was sealed when I crawled into bed with Oksana.

JACK

I always told you beautiful women would be your downfall.

FRANK

What makes you think you’re gonna get out of here alive?

JACK

Always the optimist.

Hill moves through the machinery, creeping up on their position.

From the opposite direction, Simon reaches the bottom of the ladder and makes his way toward Jack and Frank.

Frank grimaces and sits up with his last bit of strength, his back against a metal drum. He struggles to check the load of his .45 automatic.

FRANK

This reminds me of that movie.

Jack takes the automatic from Frank and checks to load for him, searching for the approaching men.

JACK

What movie?

FRANK

You know. The one where they charge the gunfire at the end. The western with Paul Newman and that other guy with all the moles.

Jack hands the .45 back to Frank.

JACK

Steve McQueen.

FRANK

No. McQueen was in the Wild Bunch.

JACK

I thought that was Lee Marvin.

FRANK

No. Lee Marvin starred in those Italian lasagna movies.

JACK

The ones with Charlton Heston?

FRANK

No. Heston jumped the barbed wire on the motorcycle in that prison escape movie.

JACK

Then who was in the lasagna movies with Lee Marvin?

FRANK

Clint Eastwood.

JACK

That’s who starred in the western with Paul Newman.

FRANK

That’s right. That’s my favorite movie.

JACK

Clint Eastwood had moles?

Something BANGS against metal. Frank FIRES at the sound.

Simon ducks behind a dumpster. BULLETS SPARK and RICOCHET around him.

Hill pops up and FIRES.

Jack’s back shoulder splatters blood. He HOWLS and whirls, FIRING TWICE in the same motion. He slams to the ground.

Hill creeps closer.

Jack, slumped on the ground, spies Hill approaching. He aims and fires, but the magnum CLICKS empty.

Hill kicks the weapon from Jack’s hand.

Simon walks in calmly. He looks at the two men on the ground.

Jack looks across at Frank.

Frank is slumped over, dead.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s World View Scene

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

I decided to step outside my current script and use a scene from a previous screenplay written before taking PS81.

This World View metaphor approach gave me a much better understanding of my lead antagonist, and as I rewrote the scene for this assignment, her character became stronger and focused.

I’m learning with each new assignment, including this one, the better defined my antagonists and protagonist, they write themselves.

Character Name: Catherine Lansing

World View: The world is for the taking

Life Metaphor: I’m a huntress

– Thief

– Killer

Rules and Strategies:

– Trust no one

– Life is a negotiation

– Never steal anything small

– Steal only from those who have too much

– Never let anyone know what you’re thinking

Justifications:

– There’s no such thing as enough

– If they’re dumb enough to trust me, then they deserve to be robbed

– Loyalty is one way blind – to myself

SCENE:

INT. OFFICE, KHOURY JEWELERS – DAY

In Khoury’s hand, the diamonds in one of the stolen necklaces sparkle under the light from a desk lamp.

KHOURY (O.S.)

Lovely. Just lovely.

Khoury examines the bracelet with a loop.

KHOURY (CONT’D)

No blemishes. No inclusions. Flawless.

Khoury sits at his desk. The room is shadows and soft lamps. The jewelry is laid out on a velvet roll.

KHOURY (CONT’D)

You never disappoint, my dear. These are some of the best stones you’ve ever brought me.

KATHERINE

But..?

KHOURY

There seems to be a piece missing.

Katherine sits across from Khoury in a leather club chair.

KATHERINE

I’m still debating.

Khoury reclines in his chair, locking his fingers together across his chest, fatherly.

KHOURY

Trophies are dangerous. And from what you’ve told me, it’s not the sort of piece you wear in public.

KATHERINE

I’ll wear it when I vacuum.

KHOURY

I can’t imagine you as a domestic.

A moments hesitation, and Katherine reaches into her bag and hands a jewelry box to Khoury.

Khoury sets the box in front of him, looks once at Katherine, heightening his expectations, then flips it open. His breath is stolen.

ON THE RUBY NECKLACE

winking at him in the light.

KHOURY (CONT’D)

Magnificent.

The piece is mesmerizing. Khoury uses his loop again. He caresses the stones with a gentle touch.

Then it’s back to business. He closes the box, thinking. He waves a hand over the other jewelry.

KHOURY (CONT’D)

These can be recast and the gold melted. But this –

(tapping the box)

This is art. It would be a sin to destroy something so exquisite. But resale is limited. Europe, Russia. Asia. Anywhere else — a problem for me, a problem for you.

KATHERINE

How much?

KHOURY

Thirty percent for the small pieces. Twenty-five for the necklace.

KATHERINE

Forty for everything.

Khoury shakes his head, snickering.

KATHERINE (CONT’D)

I can go to New York or Miami.

KHOURY

Miami died. Cancer. And New York has gone to ground.

KATHERINE

Why?

KHOURY

Rumors.

KATHERINE

Should I be worried?

KHOURY

Fate works against us all.

(rethinking)

Thirty for everything.

KATHERINE

Forty. Or I’ll take the necklace to New Jersey. I understand they have a new partner in Tel Aviv.

KHOURY

(he’s beaten)

You certainly know how to put in the knife.

(opening a laptop)

The usual account?

The screen blinks on. Khoury navigates the mouse. Types. Navigates. Types again.

Katherine locks onto Khoury with a predator’s gaze with a ‘Don’t Fuck Me’ smile.

Oblivious to her death stare, Khoury continues. He uses the keypad, hits enter and waits.

Katherine’s cell phone DINGS. The message satisfies her.

Khoury closes the laptop. Time to relax.

KHOURY (CONT’D)

When can I expect you next?

Katherine says nothing. An undecided expression.

KHOURY (CONT’D)

Are you concerned about New York?

KATHERINE

What are the rumors?

KHOURY

She’s on the run. She sold the wrong piece to the wrong buyer.

KATHERINE

She’s smarter than that.

KHOURY

We’re all only one mistake away from someone’s vengeance.

KATHERINE

That doesn’t give me comfort.

KHOURY

Do you suspect a ruse?

KATHERINE

We’d be foolish not to.

KHOURY

Are you exposed?

KATHERINE

She doesn’t know me as well as you.

KHOURY

Assuming I know you at all.

(beat)

What will you do?

KATHERINE

Prague is lovely this time of year.

KHOURY

Retire?

KATHERINE

My motives are financial, not political. I don’t share your passions or your beliefs.

KHOURY

May I impart some wisdom?

KATHERINE

Please.

KHOURY

There is no quitting for someone like you. It isn’t in your blood. This candy is your reward, but not your narcotic. You lust for the hunt. And without it, you’d die.

ON KATHERINE

She flattered by his advice.

KHOURY (O.S.) (CONT’D)

You’re a predator, my dear. A huntress. It’s not what you do. It’s who you are.

Katherine smiles a small, knowing smile.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Character Traits Live!

What I learned Doing This Assignment.

My characters are constantly evolving, becoming stronger as they develop into real people. Their dialogue is reactionary, playing off each other. And while my dialogue isn’t perfect, infusing their traits keeps my focus tight and the story strong.

CHARCTER/TRAITS

Ellen – Radio Psychologist

· kind/sympathetic

· anxious

· ambitious

· wife/mother

Ryan – Psychopath

· polite

· calculating

· violent

· sinister

SETUP:

Ryan, Jason’s DID alter, has kidnapped Ellen’s family, and has explained the rules of the game. That he will kill one member of her family every hour until she excises Jason from Ryan’s life. This is her first attempt to talk with Jason.

SCENE:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Shock has gripped her. It’s a nightmare. Ellen hears nothing.

RYAN (V.O.)

(sing-song)

Ell-en? Ell-en?

(beat)

Are you there, Ellen? Tick-tock. Time is money, doctor.

ELLEN

Is that what you want? Money? I have it. I can give it to you.

RYAN

Is that what you think this is? A shakedown? After everything we’ve discussed?

ELLEN

Then what…?

RYAN

Redemption, Ellen. Redemption.

ELLEN

I don’t —

RYAN

Understand?

(beat)

You abandoned your patient, doctor. He shot himself, right in front of you. And you did nothing. You just watched. He still bears the scar from that bullet. It nearly killed him. And you just walked away. You left him to that flatulent gas-bag Dr. Sullivan.

ELLEN

I couldn’t provide Jason with the care that he needed. Dr. Sullivan was the best —

RYAN

Does your audience know? Do they know what that charlatan did? What you did? That you let him experiment on Jason like a lab rat. He drugged him and programmed him to keep him from the others. And then tossed him into the jungle. He stripped Jason of his protectors and sacrificed him to the animals in the streets.

ELLEN

But why my family? Why them?

RYAN

Because Jason came to you. And you threw him away and ran off to join the circus. For what? Money? Fame? You forgot your oath, doctor. And you need to atone.

ELLEN

By sacrificing Jason?

RYAN

Do you know the horror of street life? The violence? The freezing cold? The starvation? To have no-one there to defend you?

ELLEN

Is that why Jason called on you?

RYAN

Jason didn’t call on me. I called on him. And now, we’re calling on you. And I suggest you get started. You’re running out of time.

Ellen’s eye bounce up at the clock —

ON CLOCK

10:28

BACK ON ELLEN

Seeing everything and nothing, Claire in the booth, Sorensen beside her, not sure what to say or how to begin. Finally —

ELLEN

I need to speak with Jason.

RYAN

He hears you.

ELLEN

Jason…? Jason.

She listens. No response. She swallows hard.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

What happened to you should never have happened. You suffer from a terrible condition. And I should have been more aware.

INT. COMMAND CENTER, SFPD – CONTINUOUS

Phil orchestrates the team setting up the room. TV monitors are turned on. Laptops are opened and readied. Stars phones plugged in, etc.

ELLEN (V.O.)

Sometimes life overwhelms us, and we make terrible mistakes. And we do terrible things. To ourselves. To our loved ones. To strangers.

EXT. SFPD ENTRANCE – CONTINUOUS

A black and white pulls up. Sullivan climbs out and waits for the police officer to escort him inside.

ELLEN (V.O.)

I abandoned you to another. And I’m sorry for the harm that it may have caused. Leaving you to the streets, alone and forgotten, that wasn’t right.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

ELLEN

I should have understood. But now I do. And I want to help you. But you need to help me. Maybe we can help each other. Can we do that? Can we help each other?

(beat)

Jason? Are you there? I need you to talk with me.

A long beat. Through the glass, Claire and Sorensen both wait. Then —

RYAN

Sorry, doc. You’re not getting through to him.

(beat)

Maybe you should let Detective Sorensen give it the old college try.

Ellen shoots stunned eyes at Sorensen.

ELLEN

You know Detective Sorensen?

ON SORENSEN

A snarled reaction — what the fuck?

RYAN (V.O.)

Oh, yes. We’ve crossed paths on several occasions. Long before Jason and I were introduced. Back when I was a budding sociopath.

Ryan LAUGHS.

Claire looks to Sorensen.

CLAIRE

You know this guy?

SORENSEN

No.

CLAIRE

Then how does he know you?

SORENSEN

He’s watching the news.

BACK ON ELLEN

She can’t believe what she’s hearing.

RYAN (V.O.)

Of course, Detective Sorensen doesn’t know where or when or how we met. Not that I’m going to tell him. What would be the fun in that?

INT. COMMAND CENTER, SFPD – CONTINUOUS

Phil SNAPS HIS FINGERS to quiet the room.

RYAN (V.O.)

But I did help him close more than a few cases and put away my share of evil doers. And I have to admit, there’s something gratifying in public service.

PHIL

Jesus…

He dials the star phone.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen answers his phone.

PHIL (V.O.)

What the hell, Jack?

SORENSEN

He’s fucking with us.

INTERCUT PHONE CALL

PHIL

He’d better be.

SORENSEN

Do we have a GPS yet?

PHIL

Turned off. Tech is triangulating the signal. He’s somewhere in the south bay, but there’s a lot of interference.

SORENSEN

Put a poker up their asses, damn it! We’ve got twenty-four minutes.

[Dana Abbott]

Anita

Thanks for the critique. I make a mistake in my set-up regarding the 5 minutes. This scene takes place one year post the shooting. But it takes place in the first 10 minutes of the film during the normal world set-up. I also appreciate the spell check, too.

And you’re right about the owner/manager conversation. It’s a bit boring and on the nose. This is a first draft with a partial rewrite from my original opening. It needs a complete rewrite down the road. I’m still not sure about this intro. I may change it again. It gets me where I want to go for now.

Thanks again for the help.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Great Dialogue Scene from LA Confidential

This scene from LA Confidential establishes the motivations and the subtexts of the three antagonists and begins their character arcs that evolve throughout the film. This screenplay (film) is one of the most intricate I’ve read (watched).

After a police riot, the three main characters are brought before the Chief, the DA and their Captain for disciplinary action.

SCENE

INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE – DAY

The CHIEF sits behind a desk in a four-star uniform. Dudley Smith sits to his left, D.A. Ellis Loew to his right. Seen earlier at the Mickey Cohen press conference, Loew is the only civilian. Bud White stands across from them. There to be judged.

CHIEF
Officer White, you’ve refused to cooperate with Internal Affairs. But you should know this is bigger than a police board. Indictments may be handed down. Quite frankly, we need police witnesses to offset the damage done to the Department’s image. Will you testify?

Bud glances to a gray tinted mirror, then to the Chief.

BUD
No, sir. I won’t.

The Chief sighs, looks to Loew.

CHIEF
District Attorney Loew.

Loew steps to Bud, holds up a newspaper with the cell block photo. The headline: “BLOODY CHRISTMAS.”

LOEW
Bloody Christmas. The press love to label. You and Officer Stensland brought the liquor into the precinct. Stensland was already drunk. Do you see how appearing as a voluntary witness against him could offset the damage you’ve done to yourself?

BUD
I won’t do it.
(staring at mirror)
I won’t testify against my partner or anyone else.

NOTE: Bud is uncompromising, tough and loyal, even if it costs him everything.

LOEW
This man is a disgrace.

NOTE: The DA, a politician, calling a Bud a disgrace is a badge of honor. The DA reveals he’s a self-righteous and maybe hiding a little dirt himself.

CHIEF
Your badge and gun, Officer.
(Bud sets them on The Chief’s desk.)
This is the new L.A.P.D., White. You’re suspended from duty and dismissed.

Turning, White shoots the mirror a stiff middle finger as he makes his way out. Dudley Smith hides a smile.

OTHER SIDE OF GLASS

Exley watches, involuntarily leans back as Bud passes on the other side of the glass.

THE CHIEF’S OFFICE

Dudley, Loew and The Chief wait as Exley enters.

CHIEF
Ed, your observations have been astute. What’s your assessment of this situation?

EXLEY
The public demands justice, sir. This was a full-fledged riot of policemen. Shift the guilt to men whose pensions are secured. Force them to retire. But someone has to swing. Indict, try and convict Stensland and Bud White. Secure them jail time. Feed them to the sharks, sir. Protect yourself; protect the department.

NOTE: Exley’s honest and smart, seemingly straight forward, but he’s also calculating and willing to please the brass by selling out other cops.

Dudley gives Exley a look. He’s angry with him.

DUDLEY
Stensland’s a disgrace. Straight D fitness reports from every C.O. he ever served under. But White is a valuable officer.

EXLEY
White’s a mindless thug.

NOTE: Exley despises Bud as inferior to himself. Exley is arrogant.

DUDLEY
No, Edmund. He’s a man who can answer yes to those questions I ask you from time to time.

NOTE: Dudley’s an old school cop, and while he respects Exley, he admires Bud for his loyalty he shows toward his partners. Dudley may have dirty skeletons in his own closet.

The Chief interrupts with his own concern.

CHIEF
I want to know who we give the public in contrast? The department needs role models. Clean-cut, FORTHRIGHT men the public can admire.

EXLEY
I’ll testify, sir. I’m not afraid to do what’s right.

CHIEF
And I’ll promote you. You’ll be a lieutenant immediately.

Exley seizes the moment, going over Dudley’s head.

EXLEY
DETECTIVE lieutenant.

The Chief and Dudley exchange a look. Neither approves.

CHIEF
Ed, you’re 30. Your father didn’t make lieutenant until he was 33.

EXLEY
I know that, sir. I also know that when he made lieutenant, it was as a detective.

NOTE: Exley’s competing with his father’s memory. And he’s political, willing to use a crisis to his own advantage.

LOEW
(interrupting)
Before we start polishing our laurels, it would look better if we had a corroborative witness.

DUDLEY
That’ll be hard to come by. The men hate a turncoat.

EXLEY
Jack Vincennes. He’s the technical advisor on ‘Badge of Honor,’ sir. He lives for it. That’s the way to get him.

NOTE: Exley will snitch anyone to get what he wants.

CHIEF
All right, Ed.
(into desk intercom)
Call Sergeant Vincennes.

As Exley starts out, Dudley pulls him aside, speaks low.

DUDLEY
You’ll reap the benefits, but are you truly prepared to be despised within the department?

EXLEY
Yes, Dudley. I am.

DUDLEY
So be it.

NOTE: Exley’s ambition is naïve. He’s will to be despised by other cops, believing he’s being noble.

JACK VINCENNES. Looking sharp, he strides down the hall, enters the…

CHIEF’S OFFICE

Round two. Centered on Jack. Exley is gone.

DUDLEY
Sergeant, we’ll get right to it. Nine civilian witnesses have identified you as hitting Ezekiel Garcia.

LOEW
But my office has a stellar witness who will tell the grand jury that you hit back only after being hit.

JACK
What do I have to do?

LOEW
Testify against the three officers who have already earned their pensions. Our key witness will testify roundly, but you can plead ignorance to questions directed at the other men.

CHIEF
I’ll guarantee you a slap on the wrist. A brief suspension followed by a temporary transfer from Narcotics to Ad Vice.
(a beat)
When you transfer out of Vice, you’ll be back on the show.

JACK
The show, sir?

NOTE: Jack’s more concerned with his notoriety than his career as a cop —

CHIEF
Badge of Honor, Vincennes. We need to tone down your profile for a bit.

The Chief just got Jack where he lives.

DUDLEY
John, I doubt you’ve ever drawn a stupid breath. Don’t start now.

JACK
Okay. I’ll do it.

NOTE: Jack’s about his own self-preservation.

Smiles all around. Loew smiles at the two-way. A move not lost on Jack who wonders who might be on the other side.

CHIEF
Dismissed, Vincennes.

Jack leaves. The Chief steps to the mirror, looks through.

CHIEF
So be it. DETECTIVE Lieutenant.

OTHER SIDE OF GLASS

Exley clenches his fist in victory. The Chief continues.

CHIEF
Ace them at the grand jury tomorrow, son. Wear the smart-looking suit and ace them. And, Ed? Lose the glasses.

NOTE: Real cops don’t wear glasses.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Final Scene

I missed the opportunity to exchange critiques due to a severe flu (not COVID luckily). If anyone would like to give it a quick read, feel free and thanks.

SUBTEXT LOGLINES

ELLEN LANDRY is a broken psychologist hiding from a past tragedy as a radio talk show host to avoid direct and emotional involvement with patients.

PETER WHITE is the station manager caught in the middle between helping his friend and the station owner concerned with ratings.

JERRY is the station owner running with business who cannot be concerned with feelings.

CLAIRE BARROW is Ellen’s radio show producer and surrogate mother dependent on Ellen’s success.

SUBTEXT SCENE – Competitive agendas

SCENE – This scene takes place within the first ten minutes after Ellen’s patient has shot himself.

FADE IN:

JERRY (V.O.)

(on phone)

— I’m not running a charity, Pete. I’ve seen the ratings.

INT. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

ON PETER WHITE

KCSF station manager, heavyset from too many years sitting behind a desk, but those years show wisdom and experience. He’s on the phone with the boss.

PETER

They’re not that bad.

JERRY (V.O.)

They’re not that good, either. The twenty-to-thirty-year old’s aren’t tuning in like you thought.

PETER

We can do another marketing campaign. Have her do some guest hosting. Maybe reprogram. A new time slot —

JERRY

Reprogramming is the problem, Pete. And you know it.

Pete says nothing. He knows Jerry’s right.

JERRY (CONT’D)

Look, she’s your friend, and you want to help her. I get it. Especially after what happened. But it’s been six months, and her ratings are flat. And I need to sell advertising.

PETER

No, I understand.

JERRY

You’re a great station manager, Pete. But don’t let friendship cloud your judgment. I like Ellen, too. And I wanted her to succeed. But his is business.

PETER

Okay. I’ll tell here when she gets in.

JERRY

Good.

Jerry hangs up. Pete slowly places the receiver on the cradle, dejected. Thinking how he’s going to tell Ellen.

EXT. PARKING LOT, KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS

An SUV bounds into the lot and zooms to a stop. Ellen kicks open the door and drops out.

She slings an oversized purse and laptop computer bag and dashes to the door, swiping at a coffee stain map of South America on her skirt.

INT. RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, is everybody’s overbearing mom — no paint, no polish — who never misses a Woodstock reunion.

She’s in full mother mode when Ellen comes through the door.

CLAIRE

Where have you been? I called you thirty minutes ago.

She shuffles Ellen through reception.

ELLEN

Mackenzie refused to get out of bed. And Samantha forgot to do her homework —

CLAIRE

Never mind. Give me that —

She grabs Ellen’s purse.

ELLEN

Keys?

ELLEN (CONT’D)

In the bag. How late am I?

CLAIRE

Just hurry.

(noting the stain)

What happened there?

ELLEN

My Starbucks slipped.

CLAIRE

Well… he’s a man. He won’t care.

GAIL SIMMONS, the model receptionist, watches the twosome scurry across the lobby, shaking her head, amused.

INT. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

A light RAP on the door, barely audible. Peter looks to the door. Did I hear something?

PETER

Come in?

Ellen enters, sheepish, almost afraid to enter.

PETER (CONT’D)

Good morning, Ellen.

ELLEN

I am sorry, Pete. No excuses. My morning was just —

Peter stands to welcome her.

PETER

Don’t sweat it. Come in, have a seat.

Ellen slides into the club chair. Peter resumes his seat behind his desk.

PETER (CONT’D)

I’d offer you coffee, but I see you’ve already had yours.

Ellen swipes at the stain, embarrassed.

PETER (CONT’D)

Why don’t we get to it?

Peter flips the ratings book open.

ELLEN

Are my ratings that bad?

PETE

They’re not bad. But they’re not where we’d hoped they’d be.

ELLEN

Am I cancelled?

PETER

I’ve been talking with Jerry. The station’s not going to pick up your option. I’m sorry.

Ellen nods, understanding, but disheartened.

PETER (CONT’D)

I’m just wondering if you came here for the right reasons, Ellen.

ELLEN

What do you mean?

PETER

If you came here to hide.

(beat)

You’re a great psychologist, Ellen. Have you thought about going back to private practice?

ELLEN

(shaking her head)

I can’t do that.

Ellen avoids eye contact, nervous, looking at everything and nothing. Afraid of the idea.

EXT. STATION ROOFTOP – DAY

Claire near the edge, gazing at the city, smoking like a pro.

ELLEN (O.S.)

He thinks I’m hiding.

Claire pushes out a stream and passes her smoke to Ellen.

CLAIRE

Fuck him.

Ellen takes a puff, sucking in her cheeks — total amateur. She coughs out the smoke.

ELLEN

How do you smoke these?

CLAIRE

They keep my weight down.

Ellen passes it back.

ELLEN

Do you think I’m hiding?

CLAIRE

You’ll go back when you’re ready.

ELLEN

Sometimes I feel like I’m holding back. That I tell people what they want to hear to avoid the conflict.

CLAIRE

In real life or the show?

ELLEN

Both.

CLAIRE

Well, we’ve still got two weeks. Maybe you can find your mojo.

Claire takes one last drag on the cigarette and sighs out the smoke, exasperated.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

One caller, that’s all we needed. Just one caller.

Claire flicks the cigarette off the edge.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Meanings

What I learned from this assignment:

I’m posting this assignment late as I had a bad flu for the past 5 days.

I created a situation with my two main characters. I hope I did this right. I didn’t complete the scene, but I think I got the idea from Hal’s instruction.

SITUATION:

Ellen is worried about her husband and two daughters. She received a phone call from her ex-patient, Jason, threatening her family. She continues her talk show as a distraction, while waiting for the police to confirm her family’s safety. She’s engaged in a phone conversation with a caller, Ryan, not knowing that he is Jason’s psychopathic alter or that he has kidnapped her family.

CHARACTERS:

ELLEN is a radio talk show host who received a threatening phone call from an ex-patient. She is worried about her family and waits for the police to alleviate her concerns. She continues her show, needing the distraction, and talking with one of her callers, Ryan, believing he’s in need of relationship help.

RYAN is Jason’s psychopathic alter who has kidnapped Ellen’s family. He calls the radio show to mislead Ellen into believing he needs relationship help. But he’s speaking of his relationship to Jason and Jason’s other identities (alters).

SCENE

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen at the microphone. She’s masking her fears.

ELLEN

Thank you for your call, Olga. I hope you and your sister-in-law work things out.

She glances at her cell phone, anxious.

ON PHONE

The school still hasn’t called.

BACK ON ELLEN

Reading the call screen.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

We have Ryan on the phone now.

CLAIRE

We have Ryan on the phone. And he’s having a schizophrenic day.

ELLEN

That makes two of us.

Ellen keeps glancing at her phone, nervous every minute it doesn’t ring.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Good morning, Ryan. Let’s talk.

RYAN

Good morning, Dr. Ellen. I’m a longtime listener. And first-time caller.

ELLEN

That’s nice to hear. How can I help you?

RYAN

I’m hoping we can help each other, doctor.

ELLEN

Let’s stay focused on you for now.

RYAN

If you insist.

(beat)

I’m having an identity crisis.

ELLEN

An identity crisis? I haven’t heard anyone use that expression since the seventies. Are you trying to find yourself?

RYAN

I’ve never been anyone else but me.

ELLEN

That’s a good thing. And it’s healthy to question our existence as we evolve through life. Our sense of self, our purpose, the search for meaning.

RYAN

Mine is a personal conflict. I have difficulty connecting with others.

ELLEN

Why do you think that is?

RYAN

I’m a dominant personality. I’m impulsive and aggressive, and a bit demanding, which makes it hard to communicate with the others. They find me off putting. And that’s why I’ve called. I need you to help me forge new… alliances today.

ELLEN

I’ll do my best. Have you always been distant with others? Or are these emotions more recent?

RYAN

It’s hard to remember. My years tend to blend together.

ELLEN

The inability to make personal connections usually stems from an early childhood trauma. What are your earliest memories? Were they happy one?

RYAN

Happiness is a relative emotion.

ELLEN

Were you close to your parents?

RYAN

They died when I was very young.

Ellen instantly understands.

ELLEN

May I ask how?

RYAN

Badly.

ELLEN

I can’t help you if you won’t trust me, Ryan. Your avoidance suggests you’re blocking.

RYAN

Some things are better left unsaid, doctor.

ELLEN

I would never force you to reveal anything too painful. But the loss of your parents may be the reason you don’t trust others. You may be suffering from a fear of abandonment. The closer you get to people, the more you fear they’ll leave you, which results in your inability to connect with them.

RYAN

Now why didn’t I think of that?

ELLEN

I assume you disagree.

RYAN

Dime store analysis, doctor? I expected more from you.

ELLEN

Then let’s dig deeper.

RYAN

You’re the doctor.

Ellen glances at her phone again.

ON CELL PHONE

No calls.

CUT TO:

INT. TECHNICIAN ROOM – DAY
PLACEHOLDER SCENE
CUT TO:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

ELLEN

Let’s talk about relationships. I’m willing to bet you’ve had your share of them.

RYAN

I maintain an active social calendar. There’s no telling when someone new may pop up.

ELLEN

Are you currently involved with anyone?

RYAN

There’s one who’s a bit of a sticky wicket.

ELLEN

How long have you been together?

RYAN

We’re still in the get to know you phase.

ELLEN

How did you meet?

RYAN

I watched him from afar. And when the time was right, I introduced myself.

ELLEN

Were you his secret admirer?

RYAN

Something like that.

ELLEN

Are you exclusive?

RYAN

I’m leaving my options open.

ELLEN

What’s preventing you from getting closer?

RYAN

We’re divergent personalities. We’re not of the same mind. He wants something I can’t give him.

ELLEN

What’s that?

RYAN

Control.

SCENE CONTINUES

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Directional FOS Patterns

What I learned from this assignment:

This assignment took me a little longer than I had anticipated. I wrote the scene and then went back to evaluate the dialogue bases on the language pattern definitions. I read the scene line by line to identify the definitions and learn if I used them properly. I hope I did. I found quite a few.

BACKGROUND

The police are investigating to help Ellen find her family. Nothing has yet been confirmed, but she’s becoming nervous. She forces herself to work to keep busy and receives the phone call introducing Ryan, Jason’s psychopathic alter.

SCENE

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen at the microphone. She’s masking her fears, forcing herself to work, anxious for the call that has yet to come about her children.
ELLEN

Thank you for your call, Olga. I hope you and your sister-in-law work things out.

She glances at the phone.

ON PHONE

The school hasn’t called.

BACK ON ELLEN

Reading the call screen.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

We have Ryan on the phone now.

(beat)

Good morning, Ryan. Let’s talk.

RYAN

Good morning, Dr. Ellen. I’m a longtime listener.

(beat)

And first-time caller.

ELLEN

That’s nice to hear. How can I help you today?

RYAN

I’m hoping we can help each other today, doctor.

ELLEN

Well, let’s start with you and see how the call goes.

Ellen keeps glancing at her phone through their conversation.

RYAN

If you insist.

(beat)

I’m having an identity crisis, so to speak.

ELLEN

An identity crisis? I haven’t heard anyone use that expression since the seventies. Are you trying to find yourself?

RYAN

I’ve never been anyone else but me.

ELLEN

That’s a good thing. And it’s healthy to question who we are as we evolve through life. Our sense of self, our purpose, the search for meaning.

RYAN

Mine is a personal conflict. I have difficulty connecting with others.

ELLEN

Why do you think that is?

RYAN

I’m a very dominant personality. Others find me off putting, which makes it hard to communicate with them. I’m hoping you can help me forge new alliances.

ELLEN

I’ll do my best. Have you always been distant with others? Or are these emotions more recent?

RYAN

It’s hard for me to remember. My years blend together.

ELLEN

The inability to connect with other people often stems from adolescent trauma. Can you tell me about your childhood? What are your earliest memories? Are they happy ones?

RYAN

Happiness is a relative emotion.

ELLEN

Were you close to your parents?

RYAN

They died when I was very young.

Ellen instantly understands.

ELLEN

May I ask how?

RYAN

Badly.

ELLEN

I can’t help you if you won’t trust me, Ryan.

RYAN

Some things are better left unsaid, doctor.

ELLEN

And I would never force you to reveal anything too painful. But your avoidance suggests you’re blocking. That the loss of your parents may be too raw for you to confront. And that’s the reason you don’t trust others. The closer you get to people, the more you fear they may abandon you, which results in your inability to connect.

RYAN

Now why didn’t I think of that?

ELLEN

I assume you disagree.

RYAN

Dime store analysis? I expected more from you, doctor.

ELLEN

Then let’s dig deeper, shall we?

RYAN

By all means.

Ellen glances at her phone again. No calls.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Cover-up

What I learned from this assignment:

Using these methods, I was able to brainstorm the best reaction/response for the villain in my scene. I think I came up with a few good lines I hadn’t considered, and I’m not sure which one to use.

METHODS OF COVER-UP:

Silence: Person doesn’t answer when they should.

Jeremy relishes the moment, knowing Sorensen is watching behind the glass. His grin goes wide.

Action incongruent with words.

“Please. I have a weak constitution.” He pushes the photo aside, smiling.

Change subject.

“If you’re making a lunch run, I hear Garibaldi’s makes a great meatball sandwich.”

Attack back.

“What is this, a shakedown? Did she promise you part of the take when she sues me?”

Complement them.

“You’re much better at this than your partner.”

Threaten them.

To his lawyer – “My dad doesn’t pay your fucking retainer for you to just sit there.”

Confirm something they already believe whether it’s true or not.

“Do you know sex crimes are the most difficult crimes to prove? Especially between consenting adults.”

Misdirection: Do or say something that sends their mind in a different direction.

“Did she tell you that her boyfriend served time for domestic violence.”

Inappropriate reaction to an emotional event.

“She’s a freak. She’s into the rough trade.”

Distraction.

“Do you know the weather in Aspen? I have a ski trip scheduled, and I’m wondering about the powder.”

Make a joke of it.

“Is your partner going to join us? Because the whole good cop-bad cop routine doesn’t really work with only one of you.”

Continue the conversation as if nothing happened.

“How much longer is this going to take? I have a date with a model tonight. We’re going to see the Mikado at the opera house. It’s probably over her head, but I’m sure she’ll like the costumes. I’d invite you to go, but it’s already sold out. And I doubt if you could afford the tickets anyway.”

SCENE:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

ON JEREMY BENNETT

A snotty rich boy in his mid-twenties, smug, arrogant, Armani jacket, sits in the hot seat being questioned. He’s been here for hours, but he’s all smiles.

COP (O.S.)

Daddy’s money won’t save you this time, Jeremy.

LAWYER (O.S.)

My client’s wealth is not an issue here, detective. Now we have fully cooperated with your investigation, and if you don’t have anything —

COP (O.S.)

We have a victim, counselor.

LAWYER (O.S.)

And no proof this was anything but a consensual relationship.

Crime photos are SLAPPED down on the table.

COP (O.S.)

Does that look like consent to you?

JEREMY

DISTRACTION – “Do you know what the weather is in Aspen? I have a ski trip scheduled for next week, and I’m wondering about the powder.”

LAWYER (O.S.)

Jeremy. Let me do the talking.

COP (O.S.)

I thought date-rape drugs went out of style in the nineties.

LAWYER (O.S.)

You have no evidence my client drugged anyone.

COP (O.S.)

We have his confession, counselor.

LAWYER (O.S.)

And that will never see the inside of a courtroom. Detective Sorensen put his gun to my client’s head to extract that confession.

Jeremy adjusts his focus across the room, gazing sadistically at someone beyond his vision.

COP (O.S.)

According to who? Your client? We all know what that’s worth.

JEREMY’S POV – the one-way window. Who’s behind it?

LAWYER (O.S.)

And if you were confident it would stand up, Detective Sorensen would be here, not you.

BACK ON JEREMY

Grinning, staring through the window at the person behind it.

COP (O.S.)

Let’s stay on point.

JEREMY

He’s back there, isn’t he?

LAWYER (O.S.)

Jeremy…

SILENCE – Jeremy relishes the moment, knowing Sorensen is watching. His grin goes wide.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Symbol

What I learned from this assignment:

I couldn’t think of a symbol for my current script, so I returned to the script I wrote for the 30-Day Script class.

I introduced a badge as a symbol early in the story to identify my lead antagonist as an ex-cop, but I never considered using the badge to show my antagonist’s change. When I added the badge to the final scene, it created a strong message between characters that my dialogue could not capture.

I am now considering a symbol for my current script that will bring meaning to the end of the story.

Background

Frank and Jack are ex-police officers convicted of manslaughter. Jack holds onto hope to exonerate himself after being paroled, but Frank has left the past behind and intends to break parole and skip to Mexico for a new life.

This scene is when the audience first learns Jack is a police officer, when he opens a strong box at a security company and pulls out his gold badge.

In the final scene, Jack finally understands he not a cop anymore, that there’s no going back. He gives lays the badge on Frank’s body recognizing him as the better cop.

SCENE:

INT. SECURITY VAULT – DAY

It’s a warehouse of deposit boxes. Two men stand silhouetted against the light. One man opens a box while the other waits.

TWO KEYS are inserted into a lock and the door is opened.

The UNIFORMED GUARD draws the large box from inside.

Jack stands next to him carrying small flight bag. He follows the guard carrying the box.

INT. PRIVATE ROOM – DAY

The guard carries the box into the room and places it on the table. Frank follows him inside.

GUARD

There you are, sir. Once the door is closed, no-one can enter.

The guard steps out and closes the door.

Jack opens the box. He pulls out bundles of money and stuffs them into the flight bag. Fifty thousand or better. Next — a zippered gun case. He opens it and inspects the .45 automatic inside. Into the flight bag. Another gun case follows into the bag.

Jack hesitates when he spies what’s in the bottom of the box. He reaches in and pulls out —

A GOLD DETECTIVE’S BADGE

For a long beat, his thumb rubs the badge, remembering.

Jack stuffs it in the bag and zips up.

FINAL SCENE:

INT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – NIGHT

CLOSE SHOT OF FRANK

His body laying on a bench, at peace. A gentle woman’s hand brushes a hair off his forehead.

OKSANA (O.S.)

Pupsick.

Oksana gazes down at Frank, sorrowed and tearful, but stiff upper lip.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

(in Russian)

Give rest, to thy servants with thy saints.

Oksana looks to Jack, standing across from her, and Simon a few feet behind. Her men are scattered through the club.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

We’ll give him a good Russian wake.

JACK

He’d like that.

Oksana looks past Jack at Simon.

OKSANA

Strange bedfellow.

JACK

He did for Frank.

Oksana nods her understanding.

Jack digs into his pocket and pulls out his gold badge. He stares at it long and hard, then PINS THE BADGE TO FRANK’S CHEST.

JACK (CONT’D)

Goodbye, brother.

Oksana signals her men and they cover Frank with a sheet.

She leads Jack to a table where a bottle of Russo-Baltique Vodka and two shot glasses sit. She pours two glasses and hands one to Frank.

OKSANA

And your friend?

Frank looks to Simon. Simon politely declines.

Oksana lifts her glass.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Frank Valentino. A good friend.

JACK

An ever better cop.

They touch glasses and down the vodka.

Oksana unzips a small travel bag and hands Frank a passport.

OKSANA

The man who owned this doesn’t need it any more. And Mexican officials don’t check. But you should still grow your hair.

(handing him the bag)

Twenty thousand should get you to where you’re going.

Oksana and Jack share a silent moment, a last goodbye. Oksana kisses him on both cheeks.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Goodbye, Jack Donovan.

Jack nods, looks to Simon, and they both leave.

Oksana watches another friend leave her life.

EXT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – ALLEY – CONTINUOUS

Simon’s Mercedes is parked in back. Two Russians are guarding the car.

Simon and Frank leave through the back door. The Russians act like valets, holding the car doors open for them to get in.

INT./EXT. MERCEDES – CONTINUOUS

Simon starts the car. He looks to Jack. Jack nods, he’s ready to leave. The car drives off.

EXT. MERCEDES – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

Frank stares out the window, leaving his life behind.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Subtext Scene

What I learned from this assignment:

It took me some time, after struggling with a few other scenes, but I decided to rewrite the opening scene of my script. I learned my scene was misinterpretation. Ellen and her patient are talking at cross purposes about two different things.

Background

Ellen is counseling her patient, which lays the foundation for the remainder of the script.

What is the meaning of the subtext?

Ellen believes she is discussing her patient’s personal relationship, but he’s discussing the separate identities within him.

What is the cover-up?

Misinterpretation. Ellen has misinterpreted her patient’s real condition.

When will the meaning be revealed?

The meaning is revealed at the end of the scene.

How will the meaning be revealed?

Ellen’s patient shoots himself. He’s been discussing committing suicide.

SCENE:

FADE IN:

TOTAL BLACK

WOMAN (V.O.)

So, tell me what’s going on?

MAN (V.O.)

The normal things. You know… life…

INT. OFFICE – DAY

DR. ELLEN LANDRY sits comfortably in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by the obscure shadows of an office.

She’s a petite, winsome woman, mid-thirties, and if not for her Saks Fifth Avenue power suit and raven hair whisking her shoulders, she’d be sprinkling fairy dust over Disneyland.

ELLEN

The last time you were here, you spoke about a new person in your life. How’s that working out?

MAN (O.S.)

It’s… evolving.

ELLEN

Evolving?

MAN (O.S.)

Is that the wrong word?

ELLEN

There are no wrong words in therapy. I simply found it intriguing.

MAN (O.S.)

Maybe it’s the wrong emotion.

ELLEN

What’s the right emotion?

A reflective SIGH.

MAN (O.S.)

Minimized.

ELLEN

In what way?

MAN (O.S.)

I feel very ignored. My opinions are no longer valued. I don’t make many decisions. I feel like I’m losing me.

ELLEN

You have a right to your own voice. Have you expressed your concerns to your partner?

MAN (O.S.)

He doesn’t care how I feel, if he even knows. He spends most of his time with the others.

ELLEN

The others? Are there other people involved in your relationship?

MAN (O.S.)

My life is very crowded.

ELLEN

How many people are we talking about?

MAN (O.S.)

Four. Five. More. It’s hard to keep track. He pursues a new alternative whenever he gets depressed.

ELLEN

Are you and your partner involved in a polyamorous relationship?

MAN (O.S.)

Polyamorous. What an elegant way of describing them.

(beat)

To be honest, I haven’t actually met them. He keeps them away from me. But I know they’re there. Call it… split intuition.

(condescending)

It’s analogous to mathematics.

ELLEN

This doesn’t seem like a healthy situation for you to be in. You’re not happy. Maybe it’s time for you to separate from your partner and the others.

MAN (O.S.)

It’s not that simple. I can’t just leave. They’d win.

Her eyes flinch with curiosity.

ELLEN

Win? Win what?

MAN (O.S.)

Everything. And I can’t let that happen. I won’t. Not after they’ve disrespected me. I won’t be abandon to the darkness. Not again.

ELLEN

I’m sorry, you’ve lost me. What do you mean by darkness?

MAN (O.S.)

Do you know how it feels to be forsaken? To be thrown into the abyss? To hear them crow from the shadows, beyond reach, whispering, conspiring to hold you down?

Troubled fascination, but Ellen allows him to vent.

MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

I used to be admired. Respected. I used to have a voice. But now —

(bitter)

— all I have is contempt. And I won’t let them send me back. Not to that hell. I won’t just vanish.

ELLEN

I don’t understand. Who’s sending you where?

MAN (O.S.)

It’s not for you to understand. It’s for them to understand.

(beat)

If not me, than no-one.

ON ELLEN – CLOSE

Her eyes go wild, but before she can react — BANG! A small caliber gun FIRES. Her patient TUMBLES to the floor.

She’s in frozen shock.

A door BURSTS open. A woman GASPS. We HEAR people flocking into the office. VOICES: “Oh, my God” “Call the cops” “Ellen? Ellen? Are you hurt? Ellen?”

FADE TO BLACK:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Subtext Relationship

What I learned from this assignment:

Writing a script dealing with mental illness with a sociopath antagonist, I didn’t realize how much subtext I had written until I began this assignment. I can now better recognize subtext due to this assignment and dig deeper into my characters as I rewrite my script.

Character Subtexts:

Ellen Landry is a broken psychologist hiding from a past tragedy, working as a radio talk show host to avoid personal attachment with patients/people.

Ryan is a sadistically polite sociopath who emotionally tortures his victims by blackmailing them into making impossible choices.

Det. Jack Sorensen is a hardened detective who will twist the rules of an investigation to find justice for a victim by any means possible.

Subtext Scenarios:

Sorensen questions Ellen about the call, but she hides behind patient confidentiality to avoid revealing her secret about Jason.

Talking with his lieutenant, Sorensen is suspicious of the coincidences and suspects the husband is having an affair.

Ellen continues her show, refusing to play a rerun, concealing her secret about Jason from her producer.

Sorensen speaks to Jason’s arrogant psychiatrist who promotes himself by revealing Ellen’s secret. (She treated William, one of Jason’s alters, not realizing she was treating a DID patient, and that William attempted suicide in front of her.)

Ryan calls the show on a false pretense to discuss a relationship, drawing Ellen into conversation, then reveals himself to be one of Jason’s alters.

Ryan reveals he kidnapped Ellen’s family and threatens to execute one member every hour unless she solves his problem.

Ellen engages Ryan to stop him from killer her family, but Ryan continues his sadistic game, torturing Ellen’s emotions.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Subtest Characters

What I learned from this assignment:

I learned my characters have grown since I first wrote their subtexts. Writing several interactive character scenes, their subtext identities have become stronger and more complex.

Character Subtext Outline

Character Name: Ellen Landry

Subtext Identity: broken psychologist/struggling talk show host

Character Traits: curious, sympathetic, concealing, insecure.

Subtext Logline: Ellen is a broken psychologist hiding from a past tragedy as a radio talk show host to avoid direct and emotional involvement with patients.

Possible areas of subtext: Ellen conceals her patient’s (William) attempted suicide; she must save her kidnapped family; she spars with Ryan, the sociopathic alter; she deceives Jason to surrender control his other personality – William; she manipulates William to commit suicide.

Character Name: Ryan

Subtext Identity: Murderous sociopath

Character Traits: polite, calculating, sinister, violent

Subtext Logline: Ryan is a sadistically polite sociopath who emotionally tortures his victims by blackmailing them into making impossible choices.

Possible areas of subtext: Kidnaps and threatens Ellen’s family; blackmails her to disregard her oath; demands she manipulate Jason to surrender control to another alter; murders Ellen’s husband on-air; plays cat and mouse with the police.

Character Name: Jack Sorensen

Subtext Identity: A street smart San Francisco cop

Character Traits: controlling, suspicious, vengeful, compassionate

Subtext Logline: Sorensen is a hardened, cynical cop who will push the rules to find justice for victims by any means possible.

Possible areas of subtext: Sorensen witnesses the interrogation of a family annihilator; he’s assigned to investigate the phone call; he questions Ellen about Jason; he questions Jason’s psychiatrist; he orchestrates the investigation to find Jason; he manipulates Ellen’s emotions to keep her engaged; he’s in conflict with the command team.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Great Subtext Scene

What I learned from this assignment:

It’s more interesting suggesting motivation with subtext rather than blunt, obvious statements. It gives layers to the characters and adds depth to scenes.

SCENE – BATMAN

After robbing a mob bank and stealing from Gotham’s gangsters, the Joker strolls into a private mob meeting and gloats about his achievement and offers them a deal.

EXT. BACK ALLEY, HOTEL, DOWNTOWN – DAY

A line of high-end AUTOS dispenses well-dressed GANGSTERS.

INT. KITCHEN, HOTEL — DAY

The Chechen walks through a METAL DETECTOR manned by two CHINESE. A lean, African American man, 50’s, is being wanded. This is GAMBOL. He nods at the Chechen, wary.

NOTE: Everybody being guarded and wanded confirms none of the gangsters in the room trust each other.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, HOTEL — CONTINUOUS

Gotham’s most notorious GANGSTERS. A door opens, and two BURLY CHINESE enter, carrying a TV. They set it down on the end of the table.

CRIME BOSS

The hell is this…?

The screen flickers to life: Lau. The room ERUPTS.

NOTE: Lau meeting with the gangsters via TV shows he fears for his safety, especially for what he’s about to tell the room. And it demonstrates he’s slippery and one step ahead of his “partners.”

LAU (ON T.V.)

Gentlemen, please. As you’re all

aware, one of our deposits was stolen.

A relatively small amount: 68 million.

CHECHEN

Who’s stupid enough steal from us?

LAU

I’m told the man who arranged the

heist calls himself Joker.

CHECHEN

Who the hell is that?

MARONI

Two-bit whack-job wears a cheap

purple suit and make-up. He’s not

the problem – he’s a nobody.

(looks at Lau)

The problem is our money being

tracked by the cops.

Murmurs of surprise.

NOTE: They don’t consider the Joker a serious threat and, by their contempt, underestimate him.

LAU

Thanks to Mr. Maroni’s well-placed

sources we know that police have

indeed identified our banks using

marked bills and are planning to

seize your funds today-

NOTE: “Well-placed sources” – they have informants in the police force.

Everyone starts SHOUTING at once.

EXT. VARIOUS DOWNTOWN BANKS — CONTINUOUS

Gordon sits in a SWAT van outside a bank. Stephens is outside another. Ramirez a third…

SWAT teams CHECK WEAPONS and prepare move…

INT. SOCIAL CLUB, DOWNTOWN — CONTINUOUS

Lau waits for the noise to subside.

CHECHEN

You promised safe, clean money launder-

LAU

With the investigation ongoing, none

of you can risk hanging on to your

own proceeds. And since the

enthusiastic new D.A. has put all my

competitors out of business, I’m your only option.

MARONI

So what are you proposing?

LAU

Moving all deposits to one secure

location. Not a bank.

GAMBOL

Where, then?

LAU

Obviously, no one can know but me.

If the police were to gain leverage

over one of you everyone’s money

would be at stake.

CHECHEN

What stops them getting to you?

LAU

As the money is moved I go to Hong

Kong. Far from Dent’s jurisdiction.

And the Chinese will not extradite

one of their own.

From the back of the room comes LAUGHTER. It grows and grows, until it fills the room. All eyes turn:

The Joker. Sweaty clown makeup obscuring the AWFUL SCARS which widen his mouth into a PERMANENT, GHOULISH SMILE.

THE JOKER

I thought I told bad jokes.

NOTE: By walking into the lion’s dean laughing, the Joker not only shows his contempt for the gangsters and their trust in Lau, but shows he has no fear for his own life, that he may be crazy.

GAMBOL

Give me one reason I shouldn’t have

my boy here pull your head off.

The Joker pulls out a freshly sharpened pencil.

THE JOKER

How about a magic trick?

The Joker SLAMS the pencil into the table, leaving it UPRIGHT.

THE JOKER (CONT’D)

I’ll make this pencil disappear.

Gambol nods. His BODYGUARD MOVES at the Joker – who SIDESTEPS-GRIPS his head – SLAMS it, FACE DOWN, onto the table…

The Bodyguard goes LIMP and slides off the table. The PENCIL is gone. MAGIC. The Joker BOWS. Grins at Gambol.

THE JOKER (CONT’D)

And by the way, the suit wasn’t cheap.

You should know. You bought it.

NOTE: Disposing of the bodyguard with a “magic trick” and admitting he stole their money, the Joker has taken command of the room. He’s the man in charge.

Gambol STANDS, furious. The Chechen stops him.

CHECHEN

Sit. I wanna hear proposition.

The Joker nods his thanks. Rises.

THE JOKER

A year ago these cops and lawyers

wouldn’t dare cross any of you. What

happened? Did your balls drop off?

See, a guy like me-

GAMBOL

A freak.

Laughs. Which the Joker tries to ignore.

NOTE: The gangsters may see the Joker as a “freak,” but he sees himself as their superior.

THE JOKER

A guy like me… I know why you’re

holding your little group therapy

session in broad daylight. I know

why you’re afraid to go out at night.

The Batman. He’s shown Gotham your

true colors. And Dent’s just the

beginning.

(indicates Lau)

And as for his so-called plan – Batman

has no jurisdiction. He’ll find him

and make him squeal.

(smiles at Lau)

I can tell the squealers every time.

NOTE: “Dent is just the beginning” – Batman is inspiring people to stand up to the Gotham gangsters, and if they don’t pay the Joker dispose of him, their empires will fall.

CHECHEN

What you propose?

THE JOKER

It’s simple. Kill the Batman.

Jeers. Laughter.

MARONI

If it’s so easy, why haven’t you done

it already?

THE JOKER

Like my mother used to tell me- if

you’re good at something, never do

it for free.

NOTE: Their conversation shows the effect Batman has made on the gangsters’ business, but they’re too afraid to deal with him. The Joker is not, demonstrating his reckless and anarchist character. It also demonstrates the gangsters, except for Gamble, are willing to do business with anyone – even a crazy man.

CHECHEN

How much you want?

THE JOKER

Half.

Laughter. The Joker shrugs. Rises.

THE JOKER (CONT’D)

You don’t deal with this now, soon

Gambol won’t even be able to get a

nickel for his grandma-

GAMBOL

Enough from the clown.

Gambol gets up, MOVING at the Joker, who casually opens his coat, revealing EXPLOSIVES wired to his chest. Gambol stops.

THE JOKER

Let’s not blow this out of all

proportion.

NOTE: The Joker’s willing to kill himself to avoid being captured. A true anarchist.

Gambol stares at the Joker. Hard.

GAMBOL

You think you can steal from us and

just walk away? I’m putting the

word out- 5 hundred grand for this

clown dead. A million alive, so I

get to teach him some manners, first.

The Joker shrugs. Turns to the assembled.

THE JOKER

Let me know when you change your

minds.

NOTE: Joker knows they will need him eventually, and he has the patience to wait.

The Joker strolls out.

NOTE: The subtext of
this scene tells us 1) the Joker has contempt for the Gotham gangsters; 2) he
is obsessed with Batman as both his arch-enemy and his equal, and 3) he’s a
true anarchist. A crazy genius.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Page Turner

What I learned from this assignment:

I tried to implement everything from the Boldness Skill Mastery Sheet in the shortest scene in my script. I’m actually running out of scene to write.

The scene takes place after Ryan, the psychopathic alter, has informed Ellen that he has kidnapped her husband and daughters and intends to kill one every hour on the hour. Detective Sorensen in initiating the investigation.

Character Name: Detective Sorenson

Traits: confident, controlling, cynical/sarcastic, compassionate

Subtext: Clandestine, diplomatic

Character Logline: Det Sorenson is assigned to the investigation and must strengthen Ellen to keep her engaged with the suspect to save her family.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Sorenson conducts the investigation outside of Ellen’s purview to shield her; he encourages Ellen to engage her patient even after he kills her husband.

SCENE:

INT. COMMON AREA – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen bursts from the control booth on his phone.

SORENSEN

Phil? You get that?

PHIL (O.S.)

I heard. Jesus.

SORENSEN

He’s using the husband’s phone. If we’re lucky, he’s stupid, and we can track the GPS.

PHIL (O.S.)

You want a negotiator?

SORENSEN

No time. We got forty-five minutes before he kills his first hostage. The doc can handle the negotiations from here. I’ll have her stall. Get SWAT ready. Tell them full breach.

PHIL (O.S.)

We’re on it. And Jack?

SORENSEN

Yeah?

PHIL (O.S.)

Good luck.

SORENSEN

I’ll send you what I’ve got.

INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD ROOM – SAME

Phil thunders from his office, a bull in the ring, commanding the moment.

PHIL

Okay. Listen up! LISTENS UP!

The room goes quiet. A pin can drop.

PHIL (CONT’D)

We have a hostage situation playing out in real time on local radio. A suspect has grabbed father and two daughters and intends to kill one every hour on the hour for the fun of it. Sorensen is at the station and will coordinator from there.

(beat)

I want command set up in five with direct lines to KCSF. Put CRT and SWAT on standby, and liaison with FBI. The suspect is using one of the hostages’ cell phones. Have tech triangulate the number and call the carrier. GPS might be in play.

(beat)

The suspect’s name is Jason Petrie. I want a picture. DMV. Military. High school yearbook. I don’t give a damn. APB to all agencies. He’s a psych patient at St. Francis. Find his doctor and get him in here. I don’t care is he’s in the middle of a fucking prostrate exam. I want to know everything about this mutt.

(a weighty breath)

This is all hands-on deck. We’ve got forty minutes before this son-of-a-bitch starts killing, and somebody somewhere knows where he is. Let’s move!

The detectives grab phones and dial, exchanging dire looks — do you believe this shit?

UPDATED:

INT. COMMON AREA – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen bursts from the control booth. His nothing case has just become the only case!

SORENSEN

(on his phone)

Phil? You get that?

PHIL (O.S.)

I heard. Jesus.

SORENSEN

He’s using the husband’s phone. If we’re lucky, he’s stupid, and we can track the GPS.

PHIL (O.S.)

You want a negotiator?

SORENSEN

No time. We got forty-five minutes before he kills his first hostage. The doc can handle the negotiations from here. I’ll have her stall. Get SWAT ready. Tell them full breach.

PHIL (O.S.)

We’re on it. And Jack?

SORENSEN

Yeah?

PHIL (O.S.)

Good luck.

SORENSEN

I’ll send you what I’ve got.

INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD ROOM – SAME

Phil thunders from his office, a bull in the ring, commanding the moment.

PHIL

Okay. Listen up! LISTENS UP!

The room goes quiet. A pin can drop.

PHIL (CONT’D)

We have a hostage situation playing out in real time on local radio. A suspect has grabbed father and two daughters and intends to kill one every hour on the hour for the fun of it. Sorensen is at the station and will coordinator from there.

Rivers and Thurgood exchange dire looks across their desks – holy shit! And their friend’s in the middle of it.

PHIL (CONT’D)

I want command set up in five with direct lines to KCSF. Put CRT and SWAT on standby, and liaison with FBI. The suspect is using one of the hostages’ cell phones. Have tech triangulate the number, and call the carrier. GPS might be in play.

Detectives grab phones the dial.

PHIL (CONT’D)

The suspect’s name is Jason Petrie. I want a picture. DMV. Military. High school yearbook. I don’t give a damn. APB to all agencies. He’s a psych patient at St. Francis. Find his doctor and get him in here. I don’t care is he’s in the middle of a fucking prostrate exam. I want to know everything about this mutt.

(beat)

And hey. Hey!

Everybody freezes —

PHIL (CONT’D)

This is all hands on deck. We’ve got forty minutes before this son-of-a-bitch starts killing, and somebody somewhere knows where he is. Now move!

The squad room explodes with action.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Dana Abbott.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Writing Is Bold

What I learned from this assignment:

I learned how to inject different emotions/attitudes into a specific scene to heighten the intensity and change the entire mood of my script. I replaced this scene in my script with another, but now, after this exercise, I intend to use this scene.

SCENE

A. THE PLAIN VERSION

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

HENRY BENNETT, a frail, middle-aged man with thinning hair, mundane, sits in the hot seat being interrogated. He’s been under the lights for hours, his collared shirt stained from sweat. Nervous, frightened. Empty coffee cups on the table.

VOICE (O.S.)

Henry… We’re tired. You’re tired. We’ve been talking all night. And we want to believe you. We do. But you have to help us out here. You have to tell us the truth. You’ll feel better. I promise.

HENRY

I have been…

VOICE (O.S.)

But it doesn’t make sense, Henry. Why would this person want you to kill a complete stranger?

HENRY

I don’t know. He just did… He made me do it.

VOICE (O.S.)

By holding your family hostage?

HENRY

Yes…

VOICE (O.S.)

Your wife? Your son? Your daughter?

HENRY

Yes…

VOICE (O.S.)

Only to kill them anyway?

HENRY

Oh, God… Oh, God…

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM – DAY

Detective JACK SORENSEN watches Henry’s interrogation through one way glass. His vengeance is locked on Henry, and we feel his frustration not being in the room. The interrogation is heard over SPEAKERS.

VOICE (O.S.)

Here’s the problem, Henry. We know you were embezzling from your company. Your name was on your girlfriend’s lease. There are phone records. Text messages. Joint bank account. And it was your gun. It doesn’t look good.

HENRY

(angry, frustrated)

She wasn’t my girlfriend! I never had a girlfriend!

(crying)

I never embezzled from anyone.

Lieutenant PHIL KING enters and steps up beside Sorensen. His deep-set eyes carry the wisdom and stress of his years on the force.

They watch the interrogation for a moment.

HENRY (CONT’D)

There was a man. I had no choice —

VOICE (O.S.)

We couldn’t find anyone, Henry. We looked. There was no man. Just you.

(beat)

Talk to me, Henry. Admit what you did. You’ll feel better.

HENRY (O.S.)

…I didn’t kill my family…

Henry starts breaking down. His head on the table.

King turns the speaker off.

B. WRITTEN WITH ANGER FOR HENRY

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

HENRY BENNETT, a frail, mundane middle-aged man with thinning hair sits in the hot seat.

He’s been interrogated for hours. Nervous, frightened. His collared shirt sweat stained. Empty coffee cups on the table.

GOOD COP (O.S.)

Henry… We’re tired. You’re tired. We’ve been talking all night. We want to believe you. We do. But you have to help us out here. You have to tell us the truth. You’ll feel better. I promise.

HENRY

I have…

BAD COP (O.S.)

C’mon, Henry. Why would someone want you to kill a complete stranger?

HENRY

I don’t know. He just did… He made me do it.

BAD COP (O.S.)

Bullshit!

HENRY

He had my family! He said he’d kill them if I didn’t.

GOOD COP (O.S.)

Your wife? Your son? Your daughter?

HENRY

Yes…

GOOD COP (O.S.)

But why kill them if you did what he wanted?

BAD COP (O.S.)

You did it, Henry. You’re the guy.

HENRY

Oh, God… Oh, God…

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM – DAY

Detective JACK SORENSEN watches Henry’s interrogation through one way glass. He’s locked on Henry, and we feel his hate. He wants to beat the shit out of the man.
We HEAR the interrogation over SPEAKERS.

GOOD COP (O.S.)

Here’s the problem, Henry. We know you were embezzling from your boss. And your name’s on your girlfriend’s lease. We’ve got phone records. Text messages. Bank accounts. And it was your gun.

HENRY (hysterical)

She wasn’t my girlfriend! I never had a girlfriend! I never embezzled from anybody!

Lieutenant PHIL KING enters. His deep-set eyes carry the wisdom and stress of his years on the force. He steps up beside Sorensen, and they watch the interrogation.

HENRY (CONT’D)

There was a man. I had no choice —

BAD COP (O.S.)

They why did you run, Henry? Detective Sorensen tracked you to a motel near the Mexican border.

HENRY

I didn’t kill my family. There was a man. I had no choice —
(throwing a finger at Sorensen)
And that man put a gun in my mouth!

Kings raises his eyebrow at Sorensen – really?

GOOD COP (O.S.)

Henry, we couldn’t find anyone. We looked. There was no man. Just you.

BAD COP (O.S.)

And your dead family.

GOOD COP (O.S.)

Talk to me, Henry. Admit what you did. You’ll feel better.

HENRY

…I didn’t kill my family… I didn’t kill my family…

Henry’s head hits the table, completely broken.

King turns the speaker off.

C. WRITTEN WITH EMPATHY FOR HENRY

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

ON HENRY BENNETT, a mundane, middle-aged man with thinning hair sits in the hot seat. He’s been interrogated for hours. Nervous, frightened. His collared shirt sweat stained. Coffee cups litter the the table.

COP (O.S.)

Henry… I’m tired. You’re tired. We’ve been talking all night. And I want to believe you. We do. But you have to help us out here. You have to tell us the truth. You’ll feel better. I promise.

HENRY

I have…

COP (O.S.)

But it doesn’t make sense, Henry. Why would a stranger make you to kill your boyfriend?

HENRY

I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m not gay. I loved my wife. I loved my sons.

COP (O.S.)

I know you did, Henry. I know you did. But here’s our problem. We know you were embezzling from your boss. We have the accounts. And your name was on your boyfriend’s lease. There are phone records. Text messages. A joint bank account. And it was your gun.

HENRY (hysterical)

He wasn’t my boyfriend! I never had a boyfriend! I never embezzled from anybody!

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM – DAY

Detective JACK SORENSEN watches Henry’s interrogation through one way glass. He’s locked on Henry, and we feel his hate, his frustration not being in the room. The interrogation is heard over SPEAKERS.

HENRY

And I didn’t kill my family. There was a man. He made me do it! He made me do it…

COP (O.S.)

Then why did you run, Henry? Detective Sorensen found you hiding in a motel heading for the Mexican border.

HENRY

Oh, God… Oh, God…

Lieutenant PHIL KING enters and steps up beside Sorensen. His deep-set eyes carry the wisdom and stress of his years on the force. They watch the interrogation for a moment.

COP (O.S.)

Henry, a neighbor saw you and your boyfriend together.

KING (to Sorensen)

We have a witness?

SORENSEN

No.

COP (O.S.)

Henry, we couldn’t find anyone. We looked. There was no man. Just you. And your dead family. (beat)

Talk to me, Henry. Admit what you did. You’ll feel better.

HENRY (O.S.)

…I didn’t kill my family…

Henry’s head hits the table, completely broken down.

King turns the speaker off.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Extreme Emotion

What I learned from this assignment:

This scene leads to the climax of my story. The intensity of each character builds to the final moment, and expressing their emotions is short, economical lines kept the story moving, creating a fast read.

Character Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: sympathetic, hopeful, ambitious, anxious/insecure

Subtext: withholding, manipulative

Character Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ellen is forced to reveal secrets about her past family life to save her family.

Character Name: Ryan – violent personality

Traits: sadistically polite, calculating, violent, sinister

Subtext: Devious

Character Logline: Ryan masterminds the kidnapping Ellen’s family to satiate his sociopathic appetite by threatening to kill them on-air.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ryan blackmails Ellen into revealing details of her past to entertain the on-air audience.

Character Name: William – suicidal alter

Traits: angry, vengeful, suicidal, jealous

Subtext: Devious

Character Logline: William attempts suicide in retribution against Jason’s alters who mistreated him to prevent them from winning and suppressing him.

Possible Areas of Subtext: William hates Jason’s other alters, jealous of the attention they receive, and prevents them from winning at any cost.

SCENE

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – SAME

Ellen’s anguish turns to rage upon her Ryan’s voice.

RYAN

I told you. No-one else. This is you and me. You broke the rules.

ELLEN

She wasn’t talking with you. She was talking to Jason.

A sudden gasp of realization, impressed.

RYAN

That’s very slippery of you, Dr. Ellen. Very slippery.

(he laughs)

You’re beginning to play the game.

Ellen moves closer to the microphone.

ELLEN

I’m not playing. Not anymore. Not by your rules.

RYAN

Have you forgotten your daughters already, doctor?

ELLEN

They never leave my thoughts. But this isn’t about them. Or me. Or my husband…

(anguished)

Or even Jason.

RYAN

No?

ELLEN

No.

RYAN

Then who?

ELLEN

You.

RYAN

Ooh… My favorite subject.

ELLEN

Then tell me, Ryan. Do you consider yourself a sociopath or a psychopath? I haven’t quiet decided yet.

RYAN

Now we’re cooking.

ELLEN

They share similar qualities. But I’m leaning toward — psychopath.

RYAN

I’m all ears.

ELLEN

Sociopaths are shaped by their environment, from years of systemic abuse. Where psychopaths, like you, are born.

RYAN

Keep going…

ELLEN

When you close your eyes, what are your memories? Do you see your childhood? Your family? Friends? Do you see your mother’s smile? Can you hear your father’s laugh? Or were you just… born one day?

Ryan – steady BREATHING.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Your charm enables you to maintain the pretence of a normal life, but you choose to live alone. And your relationships are fake and without meaning. You’re measured and calm, meticulous, not prone to outburst or impulse, and never spontaneous. But you’re easily bored and need constant stimulation. Like this.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Claire looks to Sorensen, stunned by Ellen’s actions.

CLAIRE

What is she doing?

SORENSEN

Taking control.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN

You’re highly intelligent but cold and calculating, given to grandiose lies to impress others. You deceive and manipulate, view people as mere things and have no sense of empathy or remorse.

(beat)

Let me know when you disagree.

RYAN

I will…

ELLEN

But there is one condition that sets you apart.

RYAN

Pray tell…

ELLEN

Psychopaths live parasitic lives. They feed on a host for survival. They hunger for power and control but none of the responsibility or the hard work that comes with the life they want.

RYAN

Tell me, doctor. Which one of your daughters do you love the least?

ELLEN

Isn’t this the reason you’ve come to me? To excise this homeless man from your life? To find a new host for you to feed on? Someone to provide the entitled life you and the others deserve? Isn’t this the purpose to which you were born?

RYAN

What are you proposing, doctor?

ELLEN

You said you’ve yet to meet the others. Maybe it’s time you did.

RYAN

A group session? Will you serve canapes and hors d’oeuvres?

ELLEN

Jason was my patient originally. And I’ve read Dr. Sullivan’s notes on the others. With your help, we might be able to encourage one to come forward and test you’re compatibility.

RYAN

(thinking)

Our compatibility? Hmm.

(beat)

Why not? It might be fun to meet Jason’s contemporaries. Tell me about them.

ELLEN

You’ve met Bobby.

RYAN

A nice boy. I liked him. But he’s perpetually twelve.

ELLEN

There’s Charles, the starving artists. He enjoys poetry and philosophy.

RYAN

Boor-ring.

ELLEN

Joseph, the bird enthusiast. Spends his days in Golden Gate Park bird watching. Unfortunately, he suffers from allergies.

RYAN

Next.

ELLEN

Daniel is a war veteran. Suffers from PSSD and is blind.

RYAN

These are Jason’s betters?

ELLEN

There was one I remember, someone you may like. He had a steady job and enjoyed classical music, fine foods and wine.

RYAN

I think I like him already. What was his name?

ELLEN

His name —

(she looks at Sorensen)

is William.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen sits up, instantly aware of her intent.

INT. COMMAND CENTER – SAME

Sullivan’s in panic mode.

SULLIVAN

She can’t do this! I have to stop her.

PHIL

What is it? What’s wrong?

SULLIVAN

I have to talk with Detective Sorensen — immediately!

Phil grabs the phone.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen fully engaged. Nothing will stop her.

RYAN

And how to you intend to introduce me to William?

ELLEN

By asking him to join us.

RYAN

Just like that?

ELLEN

Just like that.

RYAN

Then by all means…

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – SAME

The DEDICATED LINE blinks. Sorensen answers.

PHIL (O.S.)

(on headset)

Jack? Dr. Sullivan wants —

SULLIVAN (O.S.)

(on headset)

— Detective, you can’t let her do this! She doesn’t know what she is doing. This is dangerous!

SORENSEN

It’s not your show, doc.

SULLIVAN

But he’s MY patient!

SORENSEN

And they’re her children. Fuck off!

Sorensen hangs up. He meets Ellen’s eye — do it!

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen acknowledges Sorensen.

ON MICROPHONE

Ellen’s leans in, her lips close and caressing. Her lover’s voice seductive and inviting.

ELLEN

William?

(beat)

William? Can hear me? I know you’re there. I’d like to speak with you.

(beat)

I know you’re afraid, William. But you needn’t to be. It’s me. Ellen.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – SAME

Sorensen and Claire totally absorbed.

ON SORENSEN

Eyes darting, not watching.

ELLEN (O.S.)

I know what the others have done to you. How they hurt you.

INT. COMMAND CENTER – SAME

Command team frozen, mesmerized by Ellen’s seduction.

ELLEN (O.S.)

(on radio)

I know how alone you must feel. In the dark. Frightened.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – SAME

ON MICROPHONE

Ellen licks her lips, quivering.

ELLEN

It’s time to be brave, to step out from the dark.

(beat)

William? Listen to the sound of my voice. Reach for me. Take my hand. I’m here waiting for you.

(beat)

William? William…?

A silent beat.

ON SORENSEN — waiting, listening

ON COMMAND TEAM — all frozen — Come on, come on.

BACK TO ELLEN — HER EYES

Searching, waiting, hopeful… then… through her headset, a slow, swelling LAUGH begins to mock her.

RYAN

(calling)

William? William? Olly Olly all come free.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH

Sorensen snaps — shit!

INT. COMMAND CENTER

The group discharges a collective groan.

Everyone but Sullivan, who’s relieved.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen slumps in defeat.

RYAN

I don’t think William wants to play, Dr. Ellen.

Ellen wants to speak, but the words fail her.

RYAN (CONT’D)

Would you like to try another game? Kick the can? Duck, Duck, Goose? Marco Polo?

(a gasp)

I know. How about Red Rover?

(calling)

Red Rover, Red rover, let WILLIAM come over!

Ryan LAUGHS… and LAUGHS… and LAUGHS…

Tears river off Ellen’s cheeks.

The LAUGHING stops…

We HEAR someone GROAN, in pain… a GASPING BREATH… then VOICES, resisting, struggling… a sharp GROAN… GROWLING, fighting… a releasing GROAN, someone set free… a deep, satisfying SIGH… then BREATHING, recovering…

ELLEN

(soft, unsure)

…William…?

WILLIAM

(exhausted)

Hello, Dr. Ellen. It’s nice to hear your voice again.

ELLEN

Hello, William. It’s nice to hear your voice, too.

INT. COMMAND CENTER – SAME

The team, amazed – she did it!

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – SAME

Sorensen pleased. He knew she could do it.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen wipes her tears, gaining her control.

WILLIAM

I want to apologize for what happened in our last session, doctor. I wasn’t… myself.

ELLEN

I understand. More than you know.

WILLIAM

Thank you. I wasn’t sure if —

(realizing, panic)

Oh, shit! Wait! No. What? Wait! What is this? Where am I?

ELLEN

William, it’s okay. It’s okay. Stay calm. Don’t be afraid. Listen to my voice. Stay calm.

WILLIAM

What’s happening? Where am I?

(beat)

Oh, my God. Is that man… is he dead? Oh my God!

The image of her husband chokes Ellen’s words, and she fights — Fight!

ELLEN

William? William!

WILLIAM

Yes?

ELLEN

Something bad happened, and you’re in shock. But it wasn’t your fault. You need to know that. And you need to stay calm. To be strong. Can you be strong for me?

WILLIAM

Yes.

ELLEN

You’ve been gone for a long time. Things have changed. And the others heve kept you in the dark.

WILLIAM

Because of what I did?

ELLEN

Jason met someone new. Someone… powerful. His name is Ryan. And he wanted to meet you.

WILLIAM

Why?

ELLEN

Ryan speaks for the others now. And they believe it’s time for you, all of you, to separate from Jason.

(struggling)

And I agree with them.

She turns away from the microphone, her emotions torn. She’s violating her oath.

[Dana Abbott]

Writing with Boldness Day 7 – Vivid Visual Descriptions

PS81 – Dana’s Visuals

What I learned from this assignment:

I found 25 instances where my characters “exchange looks.” I need to improve the attitude and emotion of my script and make it a faster, entertaining read.

PART ONE

EXAMPLE – TRAINING DAY

It could be San Salvador or Guatemala, Alonzo lights a smoke, don’t b.s. me, they look more like co-eds than cops, Alonzo nails him with a surprise look, Hipster university students, “I want these hemorrhoids grabbing glass”, the G-Ride howls, Alonzo slaloms to a stop, “Safe your iron” – holster your gun, they cruise is a strange otherworldly silence, He stares into the liquid enraptured by its smoky patterns, absorb the street’s tableau of unworldly beauty gliding by, paradise and hell in one, running like a deer.

PART TWO

FIRST TIME CALLER

1. She drapes an oversized purse and a computer bag over her shoulder and runs for the front door, fighting to keep the bags on her shoulder and swiping at the coffee stain.

CHANGE TO: She slings her oversized purse and scurries to the door, swiping at the coffee stain map of South America on her skirt.

2. Ellen enters. Richard stands to leave.

CHANGE TO: Richard takes his cue to slither out.

3. Ellen looks to the club chair where Richard was sitting and chooses the opposite chair.

CHANGE TO: Ellen slights Richard in absentia, opting for the other chair.

4. CLAIRE BARROW is the producer of Ellen’s radio show. She’s the motherly type, fifties, greying hair, and dresses like soccer mom – slacks, collared shirt, comfortable shoes.

CHANGE TO: CLAIRE BARROW, fifties, is everybody’s overbearing mom — no paint, no polish, brassy as hell who never misses a Woodstock reunion.

5. Ellen listens intently. She can’t understand what she’s hearing through her headphones.

CHANGE TO: Ellen presses the headset tight, concentrating on the sudden violence.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Hope/Fear in action

What I learned from this assignment:

Using this technique taught me to create greater tension between the characters in a moment of conflict.

Character Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: sympathetic, hopeful, ambitious, anxious/insecure

Subtext: withholding, manipulative

Character Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ellen is forced to reveal secrets about her past family life to save her family.

Character Name: Ryan – violent personality

Traits: sadistically polite, calculating, violent, sinister

Subtext: Devious

Character Logline: Ryan masterminds the kidnapping Ellen’s family to satiate his sociopathic appetite by threatening to kill them on-air.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ryan blackmails Ellen into revealing details of her past to entertain the on-air audience.

Situation: Having failed to convince Jason to release her daughters, Ellen is confronted by Ryan, the sociopathic alter, angry at Ellen for involving Jason’s sister in their liaison.

Goal: Ellen needs to extract William, Jason’s suicidal alter, to the forefront to pressure him into committing suicide to save her daughters.

Threat: Ryan refuses to surrender to William, threatening Ellen’s daughters to stop her.

Scene Structure:

A) Ellen confronts Ryan, changing the game, pushing Ryan to allow William to reveal himself

B) Ryan is curious to meet William, having never met, but resists when he realizes William’s suicidal psychosis and Ellen’s true intentions.

C) Ellen triggers William to the forefront and pressures him to finish what he started at the beginning of the story – to commit suicide and save her daughters.

FEAR: Ryan has reemerged.

HOPE: Ellen confronts Ryan to break his control of her. “This is about us – you and me.”

FEAR: Ryan reminds Ellen he has her daughters

HOPE: Ellen diagnoses Ryan as a psychopath / sociopath

FEAR: Ryan accepts the diagnosis. It’s a game.

HOPE: Ellen explains his need to control the alters.

FEAR: Ryan’s tone changes. Though he continues

HOPE: Ellen calls Ryan a parasite, digging deeper into his psyche.

FEAR: Ryan, hating what he’s heard, threatens to harm the younger daughter

HOPE: Ellen discusses Ryan’s need to be rid of Jason. To find a better host for Ryan to exploit, piquing Ryan’s curiosity. She mentions William. And she seduces him to come forward out of the darkness.

FEAR: When William doesn’t appear, and Ellen fails, Ryan calls to William, playfully “Olly, Olly, all come free” and laughs and laughs.

HOPE: Someone is suddenly in pain, grizzly sounds or moaning and fighting. William appears.

SCENE:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – SAME

Ellen’s anguish turns to rage upon her Ryan’s voice.

RYAN

I told you. No-one else. This is you and me. You broke the rules.

ELLEN

She wasn’t talking with you. She was talking to Jason.

A sudden gasp of realization, impressed.

RYAN

That’s very slippery of you, Dr. Ellen. Very slippery.

(he laughs)

You’re beginning to play the game.

Ellen moves closer to the microphone.

ELLEN

I’m not playing. Not anymore. Not by your rules.

RYAN

Have you forgotten your daughters already, doctor?

ELLEN

They never leave my thoughts. But this isn’t about them. Or me. Or my husband…

(anguished)

Or even Jason.

RYAN

No?

ELLEN

No.

RYAN

Then who?

ELLEN

You.

RYAN

Ooh… My favorite subject.

ELLEN

Then tell me, Ryan. Do you consider yourself a sociopath or a psychopath? I haven’t quiet decided yet.

RYAN

Now we’re cooking.

ELLEN

They share similar qualities. But I’m leaning toward — psychopath.

RYAN

I’m all ears.

ELLEN

Sociopaths are shaped by their environment, from years of systemic abuse. Where psychopaths, like you, are born.

RYAN

Keep going…

ELLEN

When you close your eyes, what are your memories? Do you see your childhood? Your family? Friends? Do you see your mother’s smile? Can you hear your father’s laugh? Or were you just… born one day?

Ryan – steady BREATHING.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Your charm enables you to maintain the pretence of a normal life, but you choose to live alone. And your relationships are fake and without meaning. You’re measured and calm, meticulous, not prone to outburst or impulse, and never spontaneous. But you’re easily bored and need constant stimulation. Like this.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Claire looks to Sorensen, stunned by Ellen’s actions.

CLAIRE

What is she doing?

SORENSEN

Taking control.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN

You’re highly intelligent but cold and calculating, given to grandiose lies to impress others. You deceive and manipulate, view people as mere things and have no sense of empathy or remorse.

(beat)

Let me know when you disagree.

RYAN

I will…

ELLEN

But there is one condition that sets you apart.

RYAN

Pray tell…

ELLEN

Psychopaths live parasitic lives. They feed on a host for survival. They hunger for power and control but none of the responsibility or the hard work that comes with the life they want.

RYAN

Tell me, doctor. Which one of your daughters do you love the least?

ELLEN

Isn’t this the reason you’ve come to me? To excise this homeless man from your life? To find a new host for you to feed on? Someone to provide the entitled life you and the others deserve? Isn’t this the purpose to which you were born?

RYAN

What are you proposing, doctor?

ELLEN

You said you’ve yet to meet the others. Maybe it’s time you did.

RYAN

A group session? Will you serve canapes and hors d’oeuvres?

ELLEN

Jason was my patient originally. And I’ve read Dr. Sullivan’s notes on the others. With your help, we might be able to encourage one to come forward and test you’re compatibility.

RYAN

(thinking)

Our compatibility? Hmm.

(beat)

Why not? It might be fun to meet Jason’s contemporaries. Tell me about them.

ELLEN

You’ve met Bobby.

RYAN

A nice boy. I liked him. But he’s perpetually twelve.

ELLEN

There’s Charles, the starving artists. He enjoys poetry and philosophy.

RYAN

Boor-ring.

ELLEN

Joseph, the bird enthusiast. Spends his days in Golden Gate Park bird watching. Unfortunately, he suffers from allergies.

RYAN

Next.

ELLEN

Daniel is a war veteran. Suffers from PSSD and is blind.

RYAN

These are Jason’s betters?

ELLEN

There was one I remember, someone you may like. He had a steady job and enjoyed classical music, fine foods and wine.

RYAN

I think I like him already. What was his name?

ELLEN

His name —

(she looks at Sorensen)

is William.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen straightens in his chair, knowing immediately her intentions.

INT. COMMAND CENTER – SAME

Sullivan in panic mode.

SULLIVAN

She can’t do this! I have to stop her.

PHIL

What is it? What’s wrong?

SULLIVAN

I have to speak with Detective Sorensen — immediately!

Phil grabs the phone.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen fully engaged. Nothing will stop her.

RYAN

And how to you intend to introduce me to William?

ELLEN

By asking him to join us.

RYAN

Just like that?

ELLEN

Just like that.

RYAN

Then by all means…

Ellen’s lip nearly caress the microphone. Her seductive voice soft and inviting.

ELLEN

William?

(beat)

William? I know you can hear me. I’d like to speak with you now.

(beat)

William —

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – SAME

Sorensen and Claire absorbed by Ellen’s seduction.

MOVE IN ON SORENSEN

Eyes darting, listening, not watching.

ELLEN (O.S.)

— I know you’re afraid. But you needn’t to be. It’s me. Ellen.

INT. COMMAND CENTER – SAME

Everyone mesmerized by Ellen’s seduction.

ELLEN (O.S.)

(on radio)

William? I know what the others have done to you. I know how they hurt you. Kept you in the dark.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – SAME

ELLEN’S LIPS WHISPERING INTO THE MICROPHONE

ELLEN

But it’s time to come forward. It’s time to be brave, to step out from the darkness.

(beat)

William? Listen to the sound of my voice. Reach out. Take my hand. I’m here waiting for you.

(beat)

William? William…?

A silent beat.

RYAN

(mocking, calling)

William? William? Olly Olly all come free.

(laughing)

I don’t think William wants to play, Dr. Ellen.

Ellen slumps in defeat.

THE CONTROL BOOTH

Sorensen – “damn it”

THE COMMAND CENTER

Frustration and empathy all around. Everyone but Sullivan, who seems vaguely relieved.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – SAME

Ellen reclaims herself and addresses the microphone, her next words uncertain.

RYAN

I know. Let’s play a game of Red Rover.

(calling loud)

Red Rover, Red rover, let William come over!

LAUGHING… and LAUGHING… and LAUGHING… then…

SOMEONE IN PAIN… SOMEONE STRUGGLING… RESISTING… GROANING… FIGHTING… MOANING…

And it’s over… RECOVERING… GASPING… GASPING… BREATHING… breathing…

Ellen leans in to the microphone again.

ELLEN

(soft)

…William…?

A STEADYING BREATH

WILLIAM

Hello, Dr. Ellen. It’s nice to hear your voice again.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Uncertainty

What I learned from this assignment:

I decided to stretch my wings a little and read a rom-com rather than a thriller. I decided on You’ve Got Mail and found the scene below, which uses uncertainty in every line. The HOPE/FEAR the characters reveal creates great conflict, especially because the audience of aware of their online romance.

SCREENPLAY: YOU’VE GOT MAIL

Kathleen and Joe have carried on an anonymous, online romance via email and have decided to finally meet, not realizing they have already met as competitors and despise one another.

INT. NUT SHOP OF BROADWAY – DAY

George, Kathleen, and Christina in the shop. Kathleen is buying more lollipops.

KATHLEEN – HOPE

We’re meeting in a public place.

CHRISTINA – FEAR

Well don’t go anywhere with him. Don’t even go out to the street with him afterwards. Get a dial cab to just sit there and wait for you.

GEORGE – FEAR

Did you tell Frank?

KATHLEEN – FEAR

There’s nothing to tell.

CHRISTINA – FEAR

But did you tell him?

KATHLEEN – FEAR

He’s away. At the 32nd anniversary of the Chicago Seven trial.

GEORGE – FEAR

And he’s gone to a place where there are no phones. Do you even know this guy’s name?

Kathleen shakes her head no.

CHRISTINA – FEAR

And you’re going to meet him in a bar?

KATHLEEN – HOPE

Not a bar. That place on 83rd with the cheesecake.

GEORGE

And he will wear a flower in his lapel, and you will be carrying a copy of Anna Karenina with a rose in it.

No answer.

CHRISTINA – FEAR

Oh God, no.

KATHLEEN – HOPE

Not Anna Karenina. Pride and Prejudice.

NOTE: Kathleen is HOPEFUL for her budding romance, but AFRAID to tell her current boyfriend about the possible new relationship, while her friends, Christina and George, are FEARFUL that the person she is meeting is serial killer. Every other line of dialogue is filled with HOPE/ FEAR uncertainties.

EXT. FOXBOOKS – NIGHT

As Joe and Kevin walk out of the store and start downtown.

KEVIN

I suppose she’s carrying a copy of a book with a flower in it.

FEAR – Joe doesn’t say anything.

KEVIN

Not really.

JOE – HOPE

Really.

KEVIN

Which Jane Austen is it?

JOE

Pride and Prejudice.

KEVIN – FEAR

She could be a real dog.

JOE

FEAR I know. Look, I’ll just stay ten minutes. I’ll say hello. Drink a cup of coffee and split. I’m outta here.

He looks at Kevin.

JOE (cont’d) – FEAR

Walk me there, okay?

EXT. 83RD STREET – NIGHT

As the two men walk toward Cafe Lalo, the European cafe on West 83rd Street.

JOE – FEAR

What if she has a really high, squeaky voice? I hate that. It reminds me of those mice in Cinderella.

KEVIN

What mice in Cinderella?

JOE – FEAR

Gus-gus and oh shit, I can’t remember the other one. Why am I compelled to meet her? I’m just ruining a good thing.

KEVIN – HOPE

You’re taking it to the next level. I always do that. I always take a relationship to the next level, and if it works okay I take it to the next level after that, until I can finally get to the level where it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.

JOE – FEAR

I’m not going to stay long anyway. I already said that, didn’t I. Christ. I’m a total wreck.

As they reach:

NOTE: Unlike the previous scene, Joe is FEARFUL of what he’s doing while his friend, Kevin is HOPEFUL, encouraging Joe that he’s taking the relationship to the next level.

EXT. CAFE LALO – CONTINUOUS

Joe stops and looks at Kevin.

JOE – HOPE

Kevin, this woman is the most adorable creature I have ever come in contact with. If she turns out to be even as good-looking as a mailbox, I will be crazy not to turn my life upside down and marry her.

KEVIN – FEAR

She could be a real dog.

JOE (a total panic) FEAR

You go look.

KEVIN

Me?

JOE – FEAR

Just go to the window and check her out.

KEVIN

You’re pathetic.

Kevin goes to the window and looks inside.

EXT. CAFE LALO – NIGHT

Joe and Kevin in front.

Kevin looks in the window.

JOE – HOPE

See her?

KEVIN – HOPE

There’s a beautiful, whoa, a very beautiful girl.

JOE – HOPE

Yes.

KEVIN

But no book. Let me see, let me see… Wait a minute. There’s a book with a flower, so it must be her.

JOE – HOPE

What does he look like?

KEVIN

There’s a waiter blocking, I can’t see her face. He’s serving her a cup of tea and she’s putting in three spoonfuls of sugar —

JOE

Well, why shouldn’t she?

KEVIN

No reason. Unless she has hypoglycemia. Oh, he’s moving.

JOE – HOPE

Can you see her?

KEVIN

Yes.

JOE – HOPE

And? —

KEVIN (clearly frustrated) FEAR

She’s very pretty.

JOE – HOPE

She is. I knew she would be. She had to be.

KEVIN – FEAR

She looks… I would say she has a little of the coloring of that Kathleen Kelly person.

JOE

Kathleen Kelly of the bookstore.

KEVIN – FEAR

Why not? You said you thought she was attractive.

JOE

So what? Who cares about Kathleen Kelly?

KEVIN – FEAR

Well, if you don’t like Kathleen Kelly, I can tell you right now you ain’t gonna like this girl.

JOE

Why not?

KEVIN – FEAR

Because it is Kathleen Kelly.

Joe elbows Kevin aside and looks.

JOE – FEAR

Oh, God.

A long beat.

KEVIN – HOPE

What are you going to do?

JOE – FEAR

Nothing.

KEVIN – HOPE

You’re going to let her just wait there?

JOE – FEAR

Yes. Yes I am. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Why not?

KEVIN – HOPE

But she wrote the letters.

JOE – FEAR Good night, Kevin. I’ll see you tomorrow.

FEAR – He walks away, leaving Kevin.

Kevin stares after him. Then he walks away in the other direction.

NOTE: Joe is both HOPEFUL and FEARFUL for this relationship, the dialogue jumping back and forth. He’s HOPEFUL that the woman he’s meeting won’t be pretty but so FEARFUL that he asks Kevin to check for him. When Kevin tells Joe she’s pretty, Joe’s ecstatic – until Kevin tells him it’s Kathleen Kelly. All HOPE is gone, and Joe walks away too AFRAID to even reveal himself.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Hooks

What I learned from this assignment:

I hope I used this skill properly. I used a Hook to introduce a competitor that wants my protagonist’s time slot, one discussing her show’s low ratings, another to suggest she’s hiding to avoid personal contact with patients, and one final Hook suggesting her show needs one caller to turn around the ratings. Each one builds to the next.

I hope these hooks work.

Character Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: sympathetic, hopeful, ambitious, anxious/insecure

Subtext: withholding, manipulative

Character Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ellen is forced to reveal secrets about her past family life to save her family.

SCENE:

INT. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

PETER WHITE, the station manager, sits at his desk shuffling papers around his desk, tolerating a conversation he would rather not have.

MAN (O.S.)

— I just think my show would be better served in a different time slot.

PETER

Uh-huh.

MAN (O.S.)

My audience has already doubled, and I’m attracting new sponsors every week. And let’s face it —

RICHARD SORKIN, fifties, salt and pepper hair, sports jacket, turtleneck, sits in a club chair working his boss, an obvious corporate climber.

RICHARD

— Ellen’s ratings have dropped.

PETER

Her show holds its own.

RICHARD

Don’t get me wrong. I like Ellen. I think she’s a nice lady. But this is business. And she’s flat-lined.

PETER

Her ratings are higher than yours.

RICHARD

I’m in the wrong position.

(beat)

And Jerry agrees with me.

Peter stops shuffling work and pays attention to Richard.

PETER

You spoke to Jerry?

RICHARD

We’ve had coffee.

Peter looks sideways at Richard, recognizing him for the climber he is, not pleased.

EXT. PARKING LOT, KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS

Ellen’s SUV’s bounces and zooms into the lot. Frantic, she parks diagonally across two spaces, kicks open the door and drops out. The stain on her skirt if instantly noticed.

She drapes an oversized purse and a computer bag over her shoulder and runs for the front door, fighting to keep the bags on her shoulder and swiping at the coffee stain.

INT. RECEPTION – CONTINUOUS

CLAIRE BARROW is the producer of Ellen’s radio show. She’s the motherly type, fifties, greying hair, and dresses like soccer mom – slacks, collared shirt, comfortable shoes.

Claire meets Ellen at the doors in full mother mode.

CLAIRE

Where have you been? I called you thirty minutes ago.

ELLEN

Mackenzie refused to get out of bed. And Samantha forgot to do her homework…

CLAIRE

Never mind that now. Give me those.

She grabs Ellen’s bags and hurries Ellen through reception.

ELLEN

How late am I?

CLAIRE

Just hurry! That asshole Richard cut in line when you didn’t show. He’s lobbying for our spot.

ELLEN

Oh, shoot! SHOOT! SHOOT!

GAIL SIMMONS, the receptionist, watches the two women scurry across the lobby, shaking her head, quietly laughing.

INT. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Richard is working Peter when someone raps lightly on the door. It’s barely audible.

INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

Ellen and Claire wait outside Peter’s door. Ellen has knocked softly, but no-one answers. Claire POUNDS on the door.

PETER (O.S.)

Come in.

INT. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Ellen enters. Richard stands to leave.

PETER

Good morning, Ellen. Come in.

Richard steps passed Ellen, stops and turns to Peter.

RICHARD

We still on for lunch?

PETER

We’ll see.

Richard looks to Ellen.

RICHARD

Ellen.

ELLEN

Dick.

Richard accepts her insult with a smile and leaves.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Pete, I am so sorry. No excuses. My morning was just —

PETER

Don’t sweat it, Ellen. Have a seat.

Ellen looks to the club chair where Richard was sitting and chooses the opposite chair.

PETER (CONT’D)

I’d offer you coffee, but I see you’ve already had yours.

Ellen half-laughs and swipes at the stain on her skirt.

Peter opens a large ratings book.

PETER (CONT’D)

Why don’t we get to it.

ELLEN

Are my ratings that bad?

PETE

They’re not bad. But they’re not where we’d hoped they’d be. You’re audience is women, which is what we expected. But the demographic tends to lean older. Forties and fifties. The twenty and thirty year demo we targeted isn’t tuning in.

ELLEN

Am I cancelled?

PETER

No, you’re not cancelled. But it’s been suggested that a programming move may be needed. A new marketing campaign. Maybe guest spot-on other shows.

ELLEN

I wonder who suggested that.

PETER

Richard’s an ambitious asshole.

But his motives notwithstanding, I don’t think programming is the real problem.

Peter comes around his desk and leans against it to speak with Ellen like a father.

PETER (CONT’D)

I’m wondering if you’re here for the right reasons. If not you’re just here to hide.

ELLEN

What do you mean?

PETER

Have you thought about going back to private practice?

ELLEN

(anxious)

I can’t do that.

She avoids eye contact with him, nervous. Peter seems to understand.

PETER

Okay. But we need to get your rating up. Let’s talk with Jerry this afternoon at the programming meeting. See what we can work out.

ELLEN

(sheepish, embarrassed)

About that —

EXT. STATION ROOFTOP – DAY

Claire stands near the edge smoking.

She passes the cigarette to Ellen standing next to her. She takes a puff.

ELLEN

He thinks I’m hiding.

CLAIRE

From what?

Ellen gives Claire a look.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

Oh.

Ellen takes a puff and passes the cigarette back.

ELLEN

Do you think I’m hiding?

CLAIRE

You’ll go back when you’re ready.

ELLEN

They want to reprogram the show.

CLAIRE

Richard. That fucking prick.

ELLEN

It’s not his fault. Sometimes I feel like I’m holding back.

CLAIRE

I know you want to avoid the more salacious calls, but it worked for Howard Stern.

Ellen chuckles.

ELLEN

Maybe I should call him. Get some pointers.

CLAIRE

One caller, that’s all we need. Just one caller.

Claire flicks the cigarette off the edge, and when they head to the door to the roof —

WIDE SHOT – THE ROOF

Twelve other smokers are on the roof smoking with them.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Suspense

What I learned from this assignment:

I didn’t know the structure of a suspense scene until this lesson. It helped me build suspense beginning, middle to the end using multiple selections from the worksheet. 1) A Threat, An Impending Crisis, 2) Someone They Love, Deepest Fears, 3) A Period of Time, Distraction.

The Promise: Ellen needs to confirm her family’s safety

What matters: Her husband; her children

The Delay: She in the middle of her radio show

Character Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: sympathetic, hopeful, ambitious, anxious/insecure

Subtext: withholding, manipulative

Character Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ellen is forced to reveal secrets about her past family life to save her family.

SCENE:

This scene takes place after Dr. Ellen receives the phone call from Jason threatening her family.

INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY

Dead air! Claire quickly signals Ellen.

ELLEN

(into microphone)

Umm… Let’s go to a break. We’ll be right back after these messages. This is the Dr. Ellen show, KCSF, AM 1360, San Francisco.

The On-Air light goes off.

Ellen removes her headset. Her concern is growing.

Pete enters and opens the door into the studio, dumfounded.

PETE

What the hell just happened?

CLAIRE

Some boob threatened her family, that’s what happened.

PETE

Are you okay?

ELLEN

I don’t know.

Silence. Everyone watches Ellen. She hesitates for a moment, deciding, then grabs her cell phone off the desk and begins to dial.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

I need to call my husband.

Pete and Claire wait, exchanging glances.

Ellen listens to her husband’s phone RING.

MESSAGE

(on phone)

Roger Landry is not available. At the tone, please leave a message. At the end of your message, you may hang up or press one for more options.

BEEP.

ELLEN

Roger. This is me. You need to call me right away. I’m okay, but and I need to confirm you and the girls are all right. Please. Call me.

She hands up and immediately texts him a message.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

I need to call the school. Do I have time.

CLAIRE

Take all the time you need.

She dials the school. We HEAR the tone RING.

WOMAN

(on phone)

Berkeley Day Academy. This is Wendy.

ELLEN

Wendy, this is Ellen Landry.

WOMAN

(on phone)

Oh, hello, Mrs. Landry. What can I do for you?

ELLEN

Wendy. My husband’s car wouldn’t start this morning, and he was going to drop our daughters off late. I’m just checking if they made it to class.

WENDY

Let me transfer you to Mrs. Dutton. She’s our attendance director. Hold on.

Ellen is put on hold.

Pete and Claire are growing more concerned.

Mrs. Dutton comes on the line.

MRS. DUTTON

(on phone)

Hello? Mrs. Landry?

ELLEN

Yes?

MRS. DUTTON

Wendy told me you’re checking on your daughters. My records don’t show Samantha or Mackenzie in attendance today. You said your husband was running late this morning?

ELLEN

Yes. He was going to drop them off on his way to work.

MRS. DUTTON

(comforting)

I see. Okay. Well, they may have run straight to class without checking in at the front office. That happens sometimes. Let me do this. I’ll send one of our staff members to do a physical check to see if they have in fact arrived.

ELLEN

Thank you, I appreciate that.

MRS. DUTTON

Is the number we have on file a good number to contact you?

ELLEN

Can’t I stay on the line?

MRS. DUTTON

This may take a few minutes. The school is conducting a bimonthly fire safety drill. As soon as the children are back to class, I’ll send someone to check. Okay?

ELLEN

Let me know as soon as you know.

MRS. DUTTON

I will. I promise. And I’m sure they’re fine.

Ellen hangs up and sets he phone down. Her breathing is soft and labored.

PETE

Ellen?

ELLEN

They haven’t arrived yet. The school is going to check to make sure and call me back.

PETE

Do you want to ask Hal Owens to fill in for you?

ELLEN

No, no. That’s okay. I’m okay.

PETE

You sure?

ELLEN

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’ll go nuts just waiting.

(deep breath)

I need the distraction. I’m fine.

PETE

Okay. I gotta call the police —

ELLEN

What?

PETE

It’s station policy. We notify the authorities of every crank call we receive.

CLAIRE

Bob Biggs and the sports guys get calls like this all the time and nothing every happens.

PETE

So don’t worry. It’s just a precaution.

(beat)

Are you sure you’re okay?

Ellen tries to smile.

ELLEN

Yes.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Pete closes the on-air studio door.

PETE

Call me the minutes she hears anything.

Claire nodes.

CLAIRE

(to Ellen)

Fifteen seconds, noney.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen nods and puts on her headset. Her eyes are focused on her phone. We HEAR BUMPER MUSIC slowly fade.

ELLEN

And welcome back to the Dr. Ellen Show. Let’s go to the phones.

WOMAN

(on radio)

Hello, Dr. Ellen. A appreciate your taking my call…

Ellen’s eyes are focused on her —

CELL PHONE – sitting silent.

WOMAN (CONT’D)

(on radio)

I am just at my wits end, and I don’t know what to do.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Anticipatory Dialogue

What I learned from this assignment:

This scene introduces Detective Sorensen. I created reputation, discussing Sorensen before we meet him, and used Direct Prediction to send him off to investigate the initial call from Jason threatening Ellen. It may be considered Indirect Prediction as I infer his investigation may not yield a result.

This is a second version of this scene. The first version involved a family annihilator involving suspicious circumstances that resemble the crime Sorensen is about to investigate. I’m not sure which to use, but this scene seemed more confrontational and a better introduction to the character.

Character Name: Detective Sorenson

Traits: confident, controlling, cynical/sarcastic, compassionate

Subtext: Clandestine, diplomatic

Character Logline: Det Sorenson is assigned to the investigation and must strengthen Ellen to keep her engaged with the suspect to save her family.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Sorenson conducts the investigation outside of Ellen’s purview to shield her; he encourages Ellen to engage her patient even after he kills her husband.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

JEREMY BENNETT, snotty little rich boy in his mid-twenties, smug, arrogant, Armani jacket, sits in the hot seat being questioned. He’s been here for hours, but he’s all smiles.

VOICE (O.S.)

Daddy’s money won’t save you this time, Jeremy.

LAWYER (O.S.)

My client’s wealth is not an issue here, detective. Now we have fully cooperated with your investigation, and if you don’t have anything —

VOICE (O.S.)

We have a victim, counselor.

LAWYER (O.S.)

And no proof this was anything but a consensual relationship.

Crime photos are SLAPPED down on the table.

VOICE (O.S.)

Does that look like consent to you?

JEREMY

She was a freak. She liked kink.

LAWYER (O.S.)

Jeremy. Let me talk.

VOICE (O.S.)

I thought date-rape drugs went out of style in the nineties.

LAWYER (O.S.)

You have no evidence my client drugged anyone.

VOICE (O.S.)

We have his confession, counselor.

LAWYER (O.S.)

And that will never see the inside of a courtroom.

Jeremy is disinterested, his focus aimed across the room.

LAWYER (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Detective Sorensen put his gun to my client’s head to extract that confession.

VOICE (O.S.)

According to who? Your client? We all know what that’s worth.

JEREMY’S POV – the one-way window. Who’s behind it?

LAWYER (O.S.)

And if you were confident it would stand up, Detective Sorensen would be here, not you.

Jeremy, grinning, staring through the window at the person standing behind it.

VOICE (O.S.)

Let’s stay on point.

JEREMY

He’s back there, isn’t he?

LAWYER (O.S.)

Jeremy.

JEREMY

— watching.

Jeremy relishes the moment, knowing Sorensen is watching. His grin goes wide.

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM – DAY

Detective JACK SORENSEN watches the interrogation through the one-way glass. His vengeance is locked on Jeremy. We can feel his frustration. The interrogation is heard over SPEAKERS.

LAWYER (O.S.)

We’ll plead to assault three, no time, probation.

VOICE (O.S.)

A Class A misdemeanor? You’re out of your mind. Try Rape One.

INTERCUT

Jeremy and Sorensen staring at each other.

LAWYER (O.S.)

You can’t prove rape. This was a sex game that got out of control. Assault three is a gift.

Lieutenant PHIL KING enters and steps up beside Sorensen. His deep-set eyes carry the wisdom and stress of his years on the force. They watch the interrogation for a moment.

VOICE (O.S.)

Rape second degree.

LAWYER (O.S.)

With this DA? Not a chance. We’re better off in court.

King turns the speaker off.

KING

Lawyers.

SORENSEN

He’s going to get away with it, isn’t he?

KING

Probably. The victim’s scared. The family has money.

SORENSEN

I want to run in there and rip his fucking throat out.

KING

That’s why you’re in here behind the glass — again.

(beat)

But just between us, did you put the gun to his head.

SORENSEN

No.

KING

Good.

SORENSEN

I put it to his balls and played Russian roulette.

King shuts his eyes, regretting he asked the question.

KING

I didn’t hear that. And you better pray there were no cameras.

SORENSEN

He raped that girl, Phil. And we all know it. But I have to stand behind this window and watch him gloat about it.

KING

Not any more. I have something for you.

King hands Sorensen his notes.

KING (CONT’D)

The manager of KCSF called. Some crackpot phoned the station and threatened the host during a live show. He asked if we could look into it.

SORENSEN

You’re kidding, right?

KING

It’s not the Lindbergh kidnapping, I admit, but it’ll get you out of the office.

SORENSEN

Can’t you send a unit?

KING

I’m short handed.

SORENSEN

I thought I was grounded.

KING

I run my department, not IA.

SORENSEN

Great. They get the Night Stalker, and I get the obscene phone caller.

KING

Take the day, Jack. Look into it. It probably won’t amount to much. But it will help clear your head, focus on something else. Okay?

Sorensen nods and accepts.

Kings pats him on the shoulder and walks out.

Sorensen looks back at the interrogation. He takes a deep breath and lets it go, releasing his frustration.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

Writing with Boldness Day 1 – Making Your Script and Page Turner

PS81 – Dana’s Anticipation Scene

What I learned from this assignment:

This scene showed me how to reveal a character by building anticipation. Each moment gives us a little bit of information until the Joker finally reveals himself. We have a great understanding of his character within an action sequence that creates suspense for future events. The Joker robbing the Mob hooks us into the story fast and lays the foundation for the rest of the film.

The Dark Night – Opening Scene

BURNING. Massive flames. A dark shape emerges – The BAT SYMBOL. Growing. Filling the screen with BLACKNESS.

CUT TO:

DAYLIGHT. Moving over the towers of downtown Gotham…

Closing in on an office building…

On a large window…

Which SHATTERS to reveal –

INT. OFFICE, HIGH RISE — DAY

A man in a CLOWN MASK holding a SMOKING SILENCED PISTOL ejects a shell casing. This is DOPEY. He turns to a second man,

HAPPY, also in clown mask, who steps forward with a CABLE LAUNCHER, aims at a lower roof across the street and FIRES a cable across. Dopey secures the line to an I-beam line – CLAMP on- sends a KIT BAG out then steps OUT the window…

EXT. HIGH-RISE — DAY

…into space. The men SLIDE across the DIZZYING DROP…

landing on the lower roof across the street.

NOTE: Two masked men in a dizzying action sequence must be up to no good. This creates intrigue to know what they are doing. Cutting away from them in the middle of the action creates anticipation.

EXT. DOWNTOWN GOTHAM — DAY

A MAN on the corner, back to us, holding a CLOWN MASK. An SUV pulls up. The man gets in, puts on his mask. Inside the car- two other men wearing CLOWN MASKS.

GRUMPY

Three of a kind. Let’s do this.

One of the Clowns looks up from loading his automatic weapon.

CHUCKLES

That’s it? Three guys?

GRUMPY

There’s two on the roof. Every guy is an extra share. Five shares is plenty.

CHUCKLES

Six shares. Don’t forget the guy who planned the job.

GRUMPY

Yeah? He thinks he can sit it out and still take a slice, then I get why they call him the Joker.

Grumpy cocks his weapon. Bozo pulls the car over in front of the GOTHAM FIRST NATIONAL BANK.

NOTE: We now know the men are robbing a bank. We also know there is a sixth man who planned the robbery who is about to be cut out of the deal. Who is the sixth man?

EXT. ROOFTOP, BANK — CONTINUOUS

Dopey PRIES open an access panel –

HAPPY

Why do they call him the Joker?

DOPEY

I heard he wears make-up.

HAPPY

Make-up?

Dopey pulls out thick bundles of blue CAT 5 cables.

DOPEY

Yeah. To scare people. War paint.

NOTE: We have now been introduced the sixth man – the Joker. Which also explains why the men are wearing clown masks.

EXT. BANK — CONTINUOUS

Grumpy, Chuckles and Bozo get out of the car and march into the bank CARRYING ASSAULT RIFLES–

INT. BANK – DAY

The Security Guard looks up- Grumpy FIRES into the ceiling.

Customers SCREAM. Chuckles CRACKS the Security Guard.

As Grumpy and Bozo round up the hostages, one of the TELLERS presses a button mounted beneath her window – a SILENT ALARM.

EXT. ROOFTOP — DAY

Dopey watches the alarm PING his handheld.

DOPEY

Here comes the silent alarm.

(touches a button)

And there it goes. That’s funny. It didn’t dial out to 911- it was trying to reach a private number.

Behind him, Happy RAISES his silenced HANDGUN.

HAPPY

Is it a problem?

DOPEY

No, no. I’m done here.

Happy SHOOTS. Dopey SLUMPS. Happy picks up his bag and FORCES OPEN the roof access door…

NOTE: Why doesn’t call go to 911? Who does it go to? And when one shoots the other, we learn these bank robbers are betraying each other. Is that part of the plan?

INT. STAIRWELL, BANK — DAY

…and speeds down the stairs, to the basement. He SLAMS open the door…

INT. VAULT ROOM, BANK — DAY

…and comes face to face with a huge VAULT.

INT. LOBBY, BANK – DAY

Bozo and Grumpy move down the line of hostages – Bozo hands each Hostage OBJECTS from a bag. A GRENADE. Grumpy follows, PULLING THE PINS.

GRUMPY

Obviously, we don’t want you doing anything with your hands other than holding on for dear life.

BLAM. Chuckles is BLOWN OFF HIS FEET – Grumpy and Bozo DIVE for cover – the Bank Manager steps out of his office, SHOTGUN in hand.

Hostages SCRAMBLE, CLINGING their grenades…

NOTE: What bank manager takes out a shotgun and begins shooting? It’s obviously not an ordinary bank. Who are these men robbing?

INT. VAULT ROOM, BANK – DAY

Happy CLAMPS a DRILL to the vault- the bit SPINS – SLIDES into the metal door – a BOLT of ELECTRICITY RIPS THROUGH THE DRILL, THROWING HAPPY TO THE FLOOR.

NOTE: What bank has an electrified vault? This adds to the idea they’re robbing the wrong people.

INT. LOBBY, BANK — DAY

Grumpy and Bozo cower as the Bank Manager FIRES again.

GRUMPY

He’s got three left?

Bozo raises TWO fingers. Grumpy squeezes off a SHOT. The Bank Manager FIRES. FIRES again. Grumpy looks at Bozo, who nods. Grumpy JUMPS UP.

The Bank Manager FIRES – Grumpy GRUNTS as buckshot CLIPS his shoulder. FALLS. The Bank Manager moves in for the kill, FUMBLING for new shells. Bozo STANDS – SHOOTS him.

Bozo picks up the shotgun. Grumpy checks his wound – it’s superficial. He struggles to his feet.

GRUMPY (CONT’D)

Where’d you learn to count?!

Bozo’s mask stares him down. Grumpy heads for the stairs in the back. Bozo starts loading fresh shells into the shotgun.

BANK MANAGER

You have any idea who you’re stealing from? You and your friends are dead.

Bozo looks down at him. Says nothing.

NOTE: When the manager warns the robbers that they’re dead, we know they’re robbing from very dangerous people, setting up the potential reprisals they will face in the future.

INT. VAULT ROOM, BANK – DAY

Happy at the vault door, barefoot, turning the tumblers with hands stuffed into his SNEAKERS. Grumpy walks in.

HAPPY

They wired this thing up with 5,000 volts. What kind of bank does that?

GRUMPY

A mob bank. Guess the Joker’s as crazy as they say.

Happy shrugs. Grips the WHEEL BOLT and SPINS it.

GRUMPY (CONT’D)

Where’s the alarm guy?

HAPPY

Boss told me when the guy was done, I should take him out. One less share.

GRUMPY

Funny, he told me something similar…

Happy FREEZES. The wheel SPINS to a STOP- the vault DOOR CLUNKS OPEN- Happy GRABS for his weapon- SPINS to see Grumpy SHOOT. Grumpy steps over Happy into the vault…

NOTE: We now know they’re robbing from the Mob. And the boss – the Joker – has no fear. And that he has arranged for them to betray each other tells us he has no loyalty.

INT. VAULT, BANK — DAY

…which is filled with an eight-foot MOUNTAIN OF CASH.

INT. LOBBY, BANK — DAY

Grumpy walks into the lobby, straining under several DUFFELS filled with cash. He DUMPS them. Looks at Bozo. LAUGHS.

GRUMPY

C’mon, there’s a lot to carry…

INT. LOBBY, BANK — DAY

Bozo walks back into the lobby with two more DUFFELS. Sets them down on an ENORMOUS PILE. Grumpy looks at it.

GRUMPY

If this guy was so smart, he would have had us bring a bigger car.

Grumpy JABS his pistol in Bozo’s back. Takes his weapon.

GRUMPY (CONT’D)

I’m betting the Joker told you to kill me soon as we loaded the cash.

BOZO

(shakes head)

No. I kill the bus driver.

GRUMPY

Bus driver? What bus-

Bozo steps backwards. SMASH. Hostages SCREAM as the TAIL END OF A YELLOW SCHOOL BUS ROCKETS through the front of the bank, SLAMMING Grumpy into the teller’s window.

NOTE: This was a great surprise that demonstrates the Joker’s genius. We have no idea why he would use a school bus until the final scene.

Bozo picks up Grumpy’s weapon. Another clown OPENS the rear door of the bus. Bozo SHOOTS him. Then loads the bags onto the bus. The wounded Bank Manager watches him. In the distance: SIRENS.

BANK MANAGER

Think you’re smart, huh? Well, the guy who hired you’s just do the same to you…

Bozo slowly shakes his head.

BANK MANAGER (CONT’D)

Sure he will. Criminals in this town used to believe in things…

Bozo turns back to the Bank Manager. Crouches over him.

BANK MANAGER (CONT’D)

Honor. Respect. What do you believe, huh? What do you bel-

Bozo slides a GRENADE into the man’s mouth. A PURPLE THREAD is knotted around the pin.

THE JOKER

I believe that what doesn’t kill you…

Bozo PULLS off his MASK. The Bank Manager GASPS. In the reflections of the glass DEBRIS behind the Bank Manager we see GLIMPSES of a SCARRED MOUTH and CLOWN MAKEUP. THE JOKER.

THE JOKER (CONT’D)

…simply makes you stranger.

NOTE: We’ve been building anticipation for the Joker. When he takes off his mask and reveals he’s one of the robbers – the last robber in the car – it’s a strong character introduction. It also explains why he was silent until now, not wanting to reveal himself to the robbers or the audience. Is show us how smart and/or crazy he is.

The Bank Manager’s eyes go wide. The Joker rises, strolls towards the bus, the purple thread attached to the grenade pin UNRAVELING FROM THE PURPLE LINING of his jacket as he walks. The Joker climbs into the bus, SHUTS the rear door,

TRAPPING THE PURPLE THREAD…

EXT. SCHOOL, GOTHAM — DAY

Kids pour out, heading onto a long line of school buses.

INT. BANK — CONTINUOUS

As the bus pulls out, the purple thread PULLS THE PIN – hostages scream and scurry away from the Bank Manager, who shakes with fear as, with a FIZZ, the grenade does not explode, but SPEWS RED SMOKE.

NOTE: The Joker is a prankster.

EXT. BANK — DAY

The School Bus pulls free of the Bank wall and pulls out onto the street, SLIDING INTO THE LINE OF IDENTICAL BUSES HEADING PAST THE BANK. The buses trundle past COP CARS racing up the street… and we –

NOTE: This scene hooks you in from the beginning. The robbery and the Joker are revealed incrementally. The Joker is mentioned by the robbers, creating anticipation for his character reveal. Stealing from the Mob, the robbers betraying one another, we learn the Joker is reckless, fearless, crazy, a prankster, and he has no loyalty to anyone but himself. And using a school bus as his getaway is a unique surprise.

[Dana Abbott]

What I learned:

I learned not to enroll in two classes at the same time, and that I should have taken the ProSeries before enrolling in 30 Day Script.

I finished the first draft of my script few weeks ago, but it took me until now to complete the final three lessons (Solving Character Problems; Solving Scene Problems, The Chronological Edit) because I was enrolled in ProSeries81.

I stalled out as a consequence of being enrolled in two classes, and had I waited to take 30 Day Script after the ProSeries, I would have completed the script within the 30 Days.

Live and learn. At least I will have two scripts completed.

Because I am late to this final lesson, I have teamed up with my director/nephew to read my script. I just needed to post in the forum that I did finish my script.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Chronological Edit

What have I learned from this assignment?

I learned to read my screenplay as though I were reading it for the first time, reading from beginning to end and making notes before doing any rewrites. This helped me 1) understand the flow of the script, 2) identify missing details, 3) feel the progression of scenes, and 4) find jumps that didn’t make sense.

I used the worksheet and went through my script to solve the issued listed below

Improve the flow –

I moved a few scenes around to add greater meaning to my protagonists’ motives.

Improve the clarity –

The initial crime committed by my antagonists needed to be better defined. How they did it and who did what.

I also needed to figure out how the hard drive video surveillance system was reengineered to frame/convict my protagonists.

Improve the description –

I improved my character descriptions, giving them stronger identities to improve their motives and dialogue.

Improve the dialogue –

I cut dialogue, removed exposition, and created more subtext. I also allowed my characters to remain silent to strengthen conflict.

This is my third run at my script, but the first full rewrite. It is already stronger than the initial scenes and it will only improve with each rewrite.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Solved Scene Problems

What have I learned from this assignment?

I learned to scan my script scene by scene to brainstorm and create contrast between my characters and their surroundings. Escalating the scenes for my protagonists and the scenes for my antagonists also built the tension for the final conflict between both sides.

I used the worksheet and went through my script to solve the issued listed below.

A. Basic Scene Problems

I had too much exposition is scenes that needed to be edited.

B. Weak Scenes

I moved scenes around to strengthen the reveal/setup and future moments.

I created greater conflict between my protagonists’ motives

I increased the hatred/violence between the dirty cop and the assassin to improve their conflict.

I removed the second governor’s press conference and added a TV interview that goes south.

C. Situations That Don’t Challenge Characters

I improved the scene where my protagonists go in opposite directions, leaving one alone on the journey.

I created greater involvement with the Russian female gangster, not only as the subplot, but as the instigator of events that are reveals in the final scene.

D. Cliché Scenes

Hotel kitchen scene – changed to a day spa meeting between governor’s wife and corrupt lawyer.

I removed a scene that I realized wasn’t even necessary.

These are a few of the scenes I have changed on this run through. This is only my second run at this script, and I am sure things will find and change other scenes on my next rewrite.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana is being Dramatic!

What I learned from this assignment:

Based on the skill mastery sheet, I decided to write a new opening for my script. I needed to introduce my protagonist in a more dramatic way that would create conflict and tension for later scenes.

Characters:

Character Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: sympathetic, hopeful, ambitious, anxious/insecure

Subtext: withholding, manipulative

Character Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ellen is forced to reveal secrets about her past family life to save her family.

SCENE:

FADE IN:

BLACK SCREEN

WOMAN (V.O.)

So, tell me what’s going on?

MAN (V.O.)

You know. The normal things…

(beat)

Life…

INT. OFFICE – ANYTIME

DR. ELLEN LANDRY sits comfortably in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by blackness. Nothing else is seen but her.

She’s a petite woman in her thirties, dressed by Saks Fifth Avenue to project power in contrast to her winsome, angelic demeanor. If not for her raven hair dusting her shoulders, we could imagine her fluttering over Disneyland sprinkling fairy dust.

She’s counseling a patient — off camera, never seen.

ELLEN

The last time you were here, you spoke about a new person in your life. How’s that working out?

MAN (O.S.)

It’s developing.

ELLEN

Is that a good thing? Do you see this as a long term relationship?

MAN

He’d like it to be.

ELLEN

And how do you feel about that?

MAN (O.S.)

Overwhelmed.

ELLEN

In what way?

MAN (O.S.)

I feel like I’m losing me. My opinions are no longer valued. I don’t get to make decisions. I feel very… pushed around.

ELLEN

Have you expressed your concerns to your partner?

MAN (O.S.)

I doubt they’d be heard… or even appreciated.

ELLEN

You have a right to your own voice.

MAN (O.S.)

Tell them that.

ELLEN

(surprised)

Them? There’s someone else involved in your relationship?

MAN (O.S.)

My life is very crowded.

ELLEN

How many partners are we talking about?

MAN (O.S.)

Four. Maybe five. I haven’t met them all yet.

ELLEN

Four or five? Is this some sort of group sexual dynamic?

The man LAUGHS, a depressed laugh.

MAN (O.S.)

If only…

(beat)

I feel very ganged up on. And I just want out.

ELLEN

If you’re not happy, by all means, you should walk away.

MAN (O.S.)

It’s not that simple. I can’t just leave. They’d win.

Ellen’s confusion is growing.

ELLEN

I don’t understand. Win what?

MAN (O.S.)

I can’t just disappear. I won’t. Not after they’ve treated me so badly. And I know Jason won’t do anything.

ELLEN

Who’s Jason? Is he your partner?

MAN (O.S.)

He doesn’t care how I feel, if he even knows. He spends all of his time with the others.

Ellen observes, curious, allowing the man to vent.

MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Do you know how it feels to be pushed aside? To be ignored by everyone?

(beat)

I used to be important to him. We’d talk for hours, finish each others’ thoughts. But now…

(beat)

I can feel myself slipping away. And they’d like that. But I won’t let them win. And if Jason won’t act, I guess I have to. And you know what they say. If you want something done…

Ellen’s eyes go wild, but before she can react — BANG! A small caliber gun FIRES.

We HOLD ON ELLEN, in shock, as the man’s body THUDS to the floor. We HEAR a door burst open and a woman GASP. PEOPLE GATHERING. We HEAR VOICES: “Oh, my God” “Someone call the police” “Ellen? Are you all right? Ellen?

CUT TO BLACK:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana Creates a Future

What I learned from this assignment:

I learned I needed a minor character to create an important future scene between my protagonist and antagonist. I had originally intended to reveal the psychosis of an alter identity after the alter is introduced. Writing to create a future scene, and revealing the psychosis early, I created an payoff that adds tension the moment the alter is introduced later in the script.

Characters:

Character Name: Detective Sorenson

Traits: confident, controlling, cynical/sarcastic, compassionate

Subtext: Clandestine, diplomatic

Character Logline: Det Sorenson is assigned to the investigation and must strengthen Ellen to keep her engaged with the suspect to save her family.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Sorenson conducts the investigation outside of Ellen’s purview to shield her; he encourages Ellen to engage her patient even after he kills her husband.

SCENE:

INT. TECH ROOM – CONTINUOUS

A TECHNICIAN in headphones is prepping the digital playback for Sorensen to listen to Jason’s call. Sorensen is on the phone with Dr. Sullivan, a very pompous sounding physician.

SULLIVAN (O.S.)

(on phone)

— I’m sorry, Detective. My hands are tied. I can’t discuss Jason Petrie’s medical history with you.

SORENSEN

Dr. Sullivan, all I’m asking you is if you think your patient’s threat against Dr. Landry is credible. A simple yes or no with suffice.

A heavy SIGH.

SULLIVAN

I suppose, on that limited basis, I can make an exception for Dr. Landry’s sake.

(beat)

When Jason is properly medicated, he’s fully functional. He’s not a threat to himself or anyone else.

SORENSEN

And if he’s not properly medicated?

SULLIVAN

His other identities take control.

SORENSEN

How many identities are we talking about?

SULLIVAN

Six. But I won’t go into specifics about their pathologies.

SORENSEN

Are any of his identities dangerous?

SULLIVAN

DID patients develop protective identities to detach themselves from reality and trauma. An alter will confront the danger the host can’t or won’t. Jason’s homeless. You do the math.

SORENSEN

Why would he fixate on Dr. Landry if you’re his psychiatrist?

SULLIVAN

He may not consider me his doctor any more. I haven’t seen Jason in over a month. He’s missed several sessions. And by now, I’m sure he’s exhausted his medications.

SORENSEN

Great.

SULLIVAN

Has Dr. Landry explained how Jason came became my patient?

SORENSEN

She said she transferred his care to you.

SULLIVAN

That’s one way of looking at it, I guess. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Dr. Landry is a fine therapist, for her education. But she’s not a psychiatrist. She’s a psychologist. She’s not trained to deal with DID patients like Jason. In fact, she never met him.

SORENSEN

Come again.

SULLIVAN

Dr. Landry treated William, Jason’s manic-depressive identity. She never realized until it was too late who she was really counseling.

SORENSEN

What do you mean too late?

SULLIVAN

William shot himself with a small caliber derringer during his last session with Dr. Landry. But he was lucky. The bullet barely penetrated his skull. That’s how he came into my care and became part of my grant study. And it’s also the reason Dr. Ellen gave up her private practice. Probably for the best.

SORENSEN

This guy tries to pop his own cork, and you guys put him back on the street?

SULLIVAN

Jason didn’t try to kill himself. William did. An alter can attempt and even commit suicide without the host’s knowledge or awareness. It’s part of the amnesia. Jason woke up not knowing what William did. And as long as he’s medicated, William isn’t a threat.

SORENSEN

Jesus.

SULLIVAN

May I make a suggestion?

(beat)

Dr. Landry simply isn’t qualified to treat a patient like Jason. If he should call back, you may want to keep me in the loop. I’d be willing to counsel Jason on-air to remedy this psychosis.

SORENSEN

I’ll take it under advisement, doc. Thanks.

(he hangs up)

Arrogant prick.

TECHNICIAN

You ready.

SORENSEN

Yeah.

The technician hands Sorensen his headphones and presses the play button on the server.

CLOSE SHOT – SORENSEN

He listens to the call.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Mislead/Reveal

What I learned from this assignment:

I learned I used my Mislead/Reveal for my Twist lesson. My twist lesson should have revealed that my protagonist, Jason, suffered from DID.

Therefore, I have rewritten my Mislead/Reveal again and made it stronger.

Characters:

Character Name: Detective Sorenson

Traits: confident, controlling, cynical/sarcastic, compassionate

Subtext: Clandestine, diplomatic

Character Logline: Det Sorenson is assigned to the investigation and must strengthen Ellen to keep her engaged with the suspect to save her family.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Sorenson conducts the investigation outside of Ellen’s purview to shield her; he encourages Ellen to engage her patient even after he kills her husband.

Character Name: Ryan – violent personality

Traits: sadistically polite, calculating, violent, sinister

Subtext: Devious

Character Logline: Ryan masterminds the kidnapping Ellen’s family to satiate his sociopathic appetite by threatening to kill them on-air.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ryan blackmails Ellen into revealing details of her past to entertain the on-air audience.

SCENE:

DETECTIVE RIVERS stands at his desk talking on the phone.

RIVERS

(on phone)

Hold on. I’ll see if he’s in.

(he pressed hold)

Jack…? Jack?

Sorensen leaves his thoughts. He looks across at Rivers.

RIVERS (CONT’D)

I got a guy on two says he needs to talk to you. Some doctor at county.

SORENSEN

Tell him to leave a message. I’m heading home.

RIVERS

He says is urgent. About your boy, Jason.

A heavy SIGH. Reluctant.

SORENSEN

Put him through.

Rivers presses line two on his phone.

RIVERS

Doc? I’m transferring you now.

Rivers forwards call and hangs up.

Sorensen’s answers the phone after one RING.

SORENSEN

Sorensen.

DOCTOR (O.S.)

(on phone)

Detective? Thank you for taking my call. My name is Robert Green. I’m on staff at San Francisco General.

SORENSEN

What can I do for you, doc?

GREEN

I’m not really sure how to explain this.

SORENSEN

— Doc? It’s been a long day.

GREEN (O.S.)

Yeah, no, I’ll get to the point.

(beat)

We had a patient here at the hospital that we held over the weekend for a seventy-two hour psych exam. The police brought him in Friday. Homeless. Catatonic —

SORENSEN

— Doc —

GREEN (O.S.)

Sorry. The patient’s name was Randy Armstrong. He’s in the system. But I didn’t put things together until I saw his picture on TV.

Sorensen sits up.

SORENSEN

What do you getting at, doc?

GREEN (O.S.)

I think my patient is the man who kidnapped Dr. Landry’s family.

Sorensen says nothing, numb, his mind racing.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Detective Sorensen? Are you there?

SORENSEN

Can you repeat that?

GREEN

I think my patient is your suspect, Jason Petrie.

Sorensen puts Green on speaker phone.

SORENSEN

You still there, doc?

GREEN

Yes. I’m here.

Sorensen pulls out his keyboard and turns on his sleeping computer screen. The SFPD home page pops up.

SORENSEN

What’s your patient’s name again?

GREEN (O.S.)

(on speaker)

Armstrong. Randy Armstrong.

COMPUTER SCREEN – He types ARMSTRONG, RANDY into the pop-up window field. The cursor arrow hits ENTER.

Sorensen stares at the screen waiting for the program to run. Suddenly, he’s pushed back, stunned.

COMPUTER SCREEN – Jason’s picture fills half the screen. He’s haggard and homeless. His patient intake form fills the other half of the screen.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

I didn’t know what to think when I saw his picture on the news —

Sorensen moves his eyes to the intake form.

COMPUTER SCREEN – ARMSTRONG, RANDY is the name on the form.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

— I figured I’d better call somebody.

Sorensen types again.

COMPUTER SCREEN – He types PETRIE, JASON into the pop-up window field. Jason’s driver’s license opens. He’s younger, but it’s the same man.

Sorensen can’t believe his eyes.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

I don’t understand any of this. The news reported Dr. Landry’s family was kidnapped at eight-thirty —

FOCUS ON – SPEAKER PHONE

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

— but we didn’t release Randy until ten o’clock.

COMPUTER SCREEN – The two pictures are side by side.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

The staff said Randy was picked up by an Uber driver in a silver SUV.

Sorensen flips through Jason’s patient file fast.

INSERT PATIENT RECORD – Sorensen’s fingers scroll down to find ARMSTRONG, RANDY. They move to the aliases listed — Bobby, William, Jeffry, Donald, Randall.

Sorensen looks up at the screen again.

CLOSE SHOT – Jason staring right back at him.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

How could he kidnap the Landry’s if he were still holding him?

CLOSE SHOT – Sorensen, numb, realizing Ryan was someone else.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Detective Sorensen? Are you there?

Detective Sorensen? Detective…? Detective…?

CUT TO BLACK:

A long beat.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Good morning, San Francisco! It’s a great day to be living in the city by the bay —

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MORNING

It’s crisp and clean and bright. Traffic is flowing.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

— You’re listening to the Brian Osborn Show. And we are one week and counting, and my callers are still talking about Ellen Landry. So let’s get right to the phones.

We’ve got Maureen from Brisbane on the line. Hello, Maureen. You’re on with Brian.

WOMAN (V.O.)

Hello, Brian. This is Maureen. I don’t think Dr. Ellen did the right thing. This was her patient. He needed help. And she pushes him to commit suicide? I mean, didn’t she swear an oath or something? I admit these were unusual circumstances, but she could have waited for the police to negotiate with this man.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Well, okay. Thanks for the call, Maureen. But you gotta know, you’re swimming against the tide. Most people are in the pro Ellen camp on this. But I appreciate your call.

(beat)

Okay. Let’s go to Jimmy across the bay in Oakland. Hello, Jimmy.

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)

Hay, Brian. This is Jimmy. That Maureen’s full of crap! What if this was her family? I mean, what else was Dr. Ellen supposed to do? Let that SOB kill her kids? He already shot her husband. And to get him to blow his brains out, that’s lady’s got balls. And when her show comes back, I’m going to call and tell her that.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Thanks, Jimmy. And I’m sure Ellen appreciates your supports. But you may have to wait awhile for her show to return. Ellen is on hiatus while she and her family recover.

(beat)

Let’s take one more call. We’ve got Steve in Pacifica. Hello, Steve. You’re on with Brian Osborn.

Beat.

RYAN (V.O.)

Good morning, Brian. This is Steve. Love your show. I’m a longtime listener.

(beat)

And a first time caller.

FADE OUT:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Crucible

What I learned from this assignment:

My protagonist lives in a crucible through most of the script, trapped in a radio station studio dealing with the antagonist on-air who is threatening to killer her family.

And by placing them in such close proximity, in their crucible, I’m learning more about my protagonist/ antagonist characters and their relationship.

Characters:

Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: Sympathetic/kind, Hopeful, Ambitious Anxious/Insecure

Subtext Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.

Character Name: Jason

Traits: frightened, childlike, trusting

Subtext: Intimidated

Character Logline: Jason, Ellen’s ex-patient suffering from dissociative identity disorder (DID), is used as a pawn in a psychological plot to torture Ellen during her radio show.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Jason is too intimidated and frightened to stop Ryan

Character Name: Ryan – violent personality

Traits: sadistically polite, calculating, violent, sinister

Subtext: Devious

Character Logline: Ryan masterminds the kidnapping Ellen’s family to satiate his sociopathic appetite by threatening to kill them on-air.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ryan blackmails Ellen into revealing details of her past to entertain the on-air audience.

SCENE:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen eases away from the microphone as if divorcing herself from the moment, listening.

A long beat. No-one is speaking. Then-

DARLA (O.S.)

(on air)

Jason? It’s Darla. Jason…?

(beat)

Are you there?

SOFT BREATHING.

DARLA (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Jason? Please… talk to me.

JASON (O.S.)

(weak)

Darla…? Is that you?

DARLA

Yes! Jason. It’s me.

JASON (O.S.)

Darla… I’m having a really bad day.

Hearing her brother’s voice, Darla struggles emotionally.

DARLA

I know, honey. I know.

JASON

Darla… I’m scared.

Ellen puts a hand over her mouth to conceal the sound of her crying from interfering.

DARLA

It’s okay, honey. Don’t be scared. I’m here now. You don’t have to be scared anymore.

JASON

I don’t want to be here…

DARLA

Then let me help you, honey. Tell me where you are. I’ll come take care of you. I promise.

JASON

You didn’t help me before. You left me. You abandoned me — to them.

(angry)

You both did. You and Dr. Ellen.

Ellen wants to say something, thinks again, and stops.

DARLA

But I’m here now… I’m here now. Please, honey, let me help you.

JASON

You can’t help me. They’ll blame me for killing that man. They’ll blame me and send me to prison.

DARLA

Who blames you, Jason?

CLOSE SHOT – SORENSEN listening on headset.

JASON

The police. The police will arrest me and send me to prison forever. He told me.

DARLA

Who told, Jason? Who told you that?

INT. COMMAND CENTER – SFPD

Phil and the team listening on speakers.

JASON (V.O.)

(on radio)

Ryan. He says the police will blame me. Ryan shot that man, but they’ll blame me.

DARLA

No-one blames you, Jason.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – SAME

Ellen, her hands wringing, almost praying, listening.

DARLA (O.S.)

Everybody knows you didn’t mean to kill Mr. Landry.

JASON

Who?

DARLA

His name was Roger. He was Dr. Ellen’s husband.

JASON

Oh, God. No… No…

Ellen summons her courage and eased up to the microphone.

ELLEN

Jason. This is doctor Ellen.

JASON

I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry.

Ellen starts and stops, choking up.

ELLEN

No-one blames you, Jason. For what happened. I don’t blame you.

JASON

It’s not my fault. I couldn’t stop him! Ryan killed that man, and I couldn’t stop him.

(angry; frustrated)

It’s not my fault!

ELLEN

I know it’s not, Jason. I know it’s not. But you have to be strong now. You have to be stronger than Ryan.

JASON

I can’t… You don’t understand…

ELLEN

Jason… There are two little girls with you. Their names are Samantha and Mackenzie. Samantha is twelve. And Mackenzie is ten.

(beat)

They’re my daughters.

JASON

Oh, God, no… no…

ELLEN

Ryan has taken my daughters.

Overwhelmed, Jason is crying, fighting with himself.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Jason. Stay with me. Don’t leave. I need your help now. They need your help. They need you to be strong — for them.

DARLA

Jason, listen to Dr. Ellen.

JASON

You don’t understand… either of you.

ELLEN

You’re not like Ryan. You’re kind and gentle. And I know you don’t want him to harm my little girls.

DARLA

Jason, please. Trust Dr. Ellen.

JASON

You don’t understand… YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!

DARLA

(very soft)

Jason? Do you remember when we were children? The hot summers? Remember when we would run down to the river to escape the heat and play? Do you remember…?

(beat)

Remember what we used to play? We’d play pretend. We’d pretend we lived in another world, in another time. Remember?

(beat)

I’d play the fairy princess. And you’d be the brave knight. We can play that again. You and me. Right now. Let’s pretend with each other. Let’s pretend. You can be the brave knight. And you can save the fairy princesses — for Dr. Ellen. For her children.

Silence.

DARLA (CONT’D)

Jason…? Jason…?

Beat.

RYAN (O.S.)

(menacing)

Get that bitch off the phone.

CLOSE SHOT – SORENSEN

SORENSEN

(whispered)

Damn it!

INT. THE COMMAND ROOM – SAME

Phil and the team react in frustration.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – SAME

Ellen moves closer to the microphone. Her anguish turns to rage upon her Ryan’s voice.

RYAN

I told you not to break the rules. No-one was supposed to talk to me but you. You brought the sister in.

ELLEN

She wasn’t talking with you. She was talking Jason.

RYAN

(impressed)

That’s very slippery of you, Dr. Ellen. Very… psychological. You’re starting to play the game.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Amazing Settings

What I learned from this assignment:

My story takes place in a radio station with few exceptions. I, therefore, rated my settings based on the drama between characters in each setting. The more drama between characters, the higher the rating.

The most dramatic settings between my protagonist and antagonist happen on air in the control booth and the on-air studio. These settings each received 10.

The more informational the setting, allowing the characters to interact and drive the story forward, each received 5. A handful of settings that showed transition received 1.

I can improve my 5 rated scenes by simply adding tension. Example – when Sorensen questions Ellen in the studio and starts his investigation, limiting their time to talk during a commercial break puts them under pressure and reduces the exposition in the scene.

EXAMPLE 1

BEFORE:

Essence of Scene: Ellen and the station manager have a meeting about her show’s failing ratings and discuss her future at the station. She needs to get her ratings up or her show will be cancelled.

Setting: Station’s conference room – the station manager is meeting with his on-air talent. Ellen shows up late and sits down just as the meeting is adjourned. This setting adds a little humor the situation before we dive into the dramatic situations.

AFTER (possibly)

New setting: Station manager’s office – Ellen is late to her meeting, and the station manager is meeting with another self-serving radio host that wants Ellen’s time slot. Ellen arrives for the meeting, the other host leaves, but not before he smiles at Ellen like a snake and asks the station manager if they’re on for lunch. This is to emphasis their friendly relationship and put the knife in Ellen’s back.

How this improves the scene: The meeting with the manager sitting behind his desk demonstrates his authority over Ellen to emphasis how she and her show are both failing.

EXAMPLE 2

BEFORE

Essence of scene: To introduce Det. Jack Sorensen to the audience and involve him in the coming relationship between the protagonist and the antagonist.

Setting: Detective’s Bureau SFPD – Sorensen is at his desk when he receives the bad news from his lieutenant that he’s been assigned to investigate a threatening call received by a radio station. He complains about the unimportance of the case, which is emphasized when his colleagues joking about him investigating an “obscene phone call.”

AFTER

New Setting: Interrogation room – Sorensen is watching/interrogating a rape suspect that is frustrating the hell out of him. He wants to “rip the little shits throat out” but he knows he can’t.

How this improves the scene: It tells us about Sorensen’s sympathy toward a victim and the frustration he feels being forced to watch a suspect lie his way out of trouble. This will play well later in the story when he is forced to watch Ellen suffer at the hands of man threatening her family. When he gets assigned the case to investigate the threating phone call, it seems like a reprieve to the case he’s been working.

Example 3

BEFORE

Essence of Scene: To introduce us to Ellen Landry, her family, and her career as a radio talk show host. We also set up the events surrounding the kidnapping of her family.

Setting: Driving in her car, heading to work, stuck in morning commuter traffic.

AFTER

New Setting: Ellen Landry’s psychiatric office during a session with a troubled patient. At the end of the session, the patient suddenly kills himself/herself, stunning Ellen.

How this has improved the scene: It introduces us to Ellen in a more dramatic fashion and creates a better reason why she quit private practice. It also adds more dramatic irony when Ellen must push another patient to commit suicide to save her family.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Setup/Payoff

What I learned from this assignment:

I learned to add small items into my script/dialogue to suggest multiple possibilities and mislead the audience and used foreshadowed events with my larger plot points. When the payoff arrives in a subsequent scene, it gave new meaning to the information my protagonist learned and created nervous excitement for the audience.

Characters:

Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: Sympathetic/kind, Hopeful, Ambitious Anxious/Insecure

Subtext Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.

Name: Jack Sorensen

Traits: confident, controlling, cynical/sarcastic, compassionate

Subtext Logline: Jack Sorenson is assigned to the investigation and must strengthen Ellen to keep her engaged with the suspect to save her family.

OUTLINE:

SETUP

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

BEGINNING: Det. Sorensen is introduced to Ellen Landry for the first time. He’s come to investigate the phone call she received from her ex-patient, Jason. They discuss Jason’s patient history and Sorensen learns Jason was diagnosed DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder).

MIDDLE: Sorensen questions Ellen about her family – husband’s job; children’s school. Sorensen informs Ellen how he intends to investigate. They’ll check on her family’s safety first to put her mind at ease. He leaves telling her not to worry, but she’s on pins and needles. At the very last, Sorensen gets the phone number Jason used to call the station.

END: Sorenson calls his lieutenant (in another room) and discusses how to approach the investigation. Sorensen tells his lieutenant he thinks the husband might be fooling around. His lieutenant labels him a cynic. They agree to find the kids first, then the husband. And call Jason’s new psychiatrist for more background.

PAYOFF (there are scenes between this setup/payoff that have been posted in a previous assignment)

INT. TECH ROOM – DAY

BEGINNING: Sorenson is listening to Jason’s call with a technician. He gets at call from his lieutenant with bad news. Dr. Ellen’s daughters did not arrive at their school and the husband didn’t show up for work.

MIDDLE: Sorensen learns Jason’s new psychiatrist hasn’t seen Jason in a month. He’s off his meds, and his identities are taking over. They launch a full investigation to find the kids, the husband and Jason.

END: After his lieutenant informs tells Sorensen he gave the department a wrong number to verify, Sorensen checks a note placed in his binder and realized the number Jason used to call the station belongs to Roger Landry – Dr. Ellen’s husband. He suddenly realizes Jason has kidnapped Dr. Ellen’s family.

SCRIPT:

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN

— they’ll always be your children, Rachel, even on the days you’d like to give’em back. Thank you for your call.

Ellen sees Pete lead Sorensen into the control booth.

She hear’s the BUMPER MUSIC start.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

And we’ll be right back after this news break. This is the Dr. Ellen Show, KCSF, 1360 AM, San Francisco.

CLAIRE

(on headphones)

Okay. We’re out.

Through the glass, we see Sorensen ask permission, and Pete leads him into the On Air Studio.

Ellen removes her headset.

PETE

Ellen? This is Detective Sorensen.

SORENSEN

Good morning, Dr. Landry.

Ellen acknowledges him with a nervous smile.

SORENSEN (CONT’D)

Your station manager gave me the Cliff Notes, but I need to ask you a few more questions. Is that okay? Do we have time?

PETE

We’re in a news break.

Sorensen opens his binder and begins taking notes.

SORENSEN

Let’s start with your patient. What’s his name?

ELLEN

Jason Petrie. But he’s no longer my patient. I transferred his care to Linda Sullivan at St. Francis a few months before I closed my practice.

SORENSEN

Did he threaten you? Is he violent?

ELLEN

No, nothing like that. Jason was very passive and introverted. Even his identities never exhibited anti-social or violent behavior.

SORENSEN

Identities?

ELLEN

Jason was diagnosed DID in college.

(explaining)

Dissociative Identity Disorder.

SORENSEN

I’m well-versed of the disorder. This is San Francisco.

ELLEN

Dr. Sullivan is on the cutting edge of diagnosis and treatment for DID. I felt Jason would be better served under her care.

SORENSEN

Has he ever contacted or tried to contact you before today?

ELLEN

Not that I know of, no.

SORENSEN

He just, out of the blue, called your show to threaten your family? Is that something he would do?

ELLEN

It’s out of character.

CLAIRE

(loud)

He sounded like he was fighting with somebody.

Sorensen glances at Claire, then back to Ellen.

SORENSEN

There’s someone else involved?

Ellen shrugs, unsure.

ELLEN

DID patient identities can share consciousness and interact with each other at the same time.

SORENSEN

He was fighting with himself?

ELLEN

Something like that.

SORENSEN

Is it possible he’s developing another identity?

ELLEN

You’d have call Karen — Dr. Sullivan.

CLAIRE

Two minutes.

SORENSEN

Was he institutionalized?

ELLEN

Jason is homeless. One of our many.

SORENSEN

What about family? Friends?

ELLEN

He has a sister in Memphis, but I’d have to check his patient file for her name. It’s on my laptop.

SORENSEN

Could I take a peek?

ELLEN

I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m still bound by doctor-patient confidentiality.

SORENSEN

It was worth a shot.

(he smiles)

And since he called, you haven’t heard from your husband? Is that right? What’s his name?

ELLEN

Roger Landry.

SORENSEN

When was last time you spoke to him?

ELLEN

On my way to work. His car wouldn’t start, and he was waiting for Uber to take our row daughters to school before heading to work.

SORENSEN

Where does he work?

ELLEN

He teaches at Berkeley. He’s an associate professor in the math department. He has two classes every Monday.

SORENSEN

What’s his cell number?

Ellen can’t remember.

SORENSEN (CONT’D)

It’s okay. I can’t remember my own.

Ellen opens her phone and shows him the number.

ELLEN

That’s it.

He scribbles.

SORENSEN

And what are your daughters’ names?

ELLEN

Samantha. She’s twelve. And Mackenzie is ten.

SORENSEN

Where do they go to school?

ELLEN

Berkeley Day Academy.

SORENSEN

That’s a good school.

ELLEN

I’ve called the administration office several times, but they haven’t checked in yet.

SORENSEN

If your husband was late, they may have run to class without checking in.

CLAIRE

Thirty second.

SORENSEN

Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll ask Berkeley PD send a unit to your daughters’ school to do a check. Keep calling your husband. We’ll call his department and have them track him down. If he’s in class, he may have turned off his phone and forgot to turn it back on.

(beat)

And try not to worry. I know that’s easy to say. But this could just be a simple communication screw-up.

ELLEN

Okay. Thank you.

They return to the control booth. Pete closes the door.

Ellen puts on her headset. Big breath.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

SORENSEN

Do you have the phone number Jason used to call the station.

CLAIRE

Yes.

Claire writes the number on a sticky note.

SORENSEN

(to Pete)

I need to call my department. And I want to here the call.

PETE

I’ll set you up.

Claire hands Sorensen the note.

INSERT NOTEBOOK – Sorensen pastes the sticky note with Jason’s over the husband’s phone number.

SORENSEN

(to Claire)

Try to keep her calm.

Pete leads Sorensen out.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen listens to the BUMPER MUSIC intro, waiting to take the next call.

CLAIRE

(on headset)

It’s going to be okay. The police are here now. I’m sure Roger and the girls are going to be fine.

Ellen smiles at Claire and nods. She’s not sure.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

Honey, we can always play a best of Dr. Ellen.

Ellen tries to laugh, holding back tears.

ELLEN

We don’t have any of those.

(beat)

I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.

Claire counts down the clock and points to Ellen.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

And welcome back to the Dr. Ellen Show. Let’s go right to the phones. We have Rachel in Daly City. Hello, Rachel. How can I help you today?

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen on his phone.

PHIL (O.S.)

(on phone)

So what do you want to do?

SORENSEN

Let’s concentrate on the kids. If they’re in class, then we have an idea what’s really happening.

PHIL (O.S.)

What are you thinking?

SORENSEN

His car won’t start. Ubers to work. In class all day. Not answering his phone — He may not what his wife to know where he is.

PHIL (O.S.)

You’re a cynic.

SORENSEN

I’m a cop.

PHIL (O.S.)

What about her patient? This Jason guy?

SORENSEN

He’s a fruit loop. Sherlock Holmes one day. Rip Van Winkle the next. Let’s call this other shrink to get some background, but don’t jump any hurdles until we have to.

PHIL (O.S.)

All right. I’ll get We’re on it.

INT. TECH ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Lots of servers and computers. Sorensen and a TECHNICIAN are standing, listening to the recording of Jason’s call through speakers.

JASON

(on speaker)

If you don’t help me, he says he’s going to hurt one of them.

(beat)

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!

(to another person)

No! I won’t! You can’t make me! You can’t MAKE ME!

(beat)

No! No…!

A SCUFFLE. Jason fighting with someone.

The call ends.

TECHNICIAN

That’s it?

SORENSEN

I’ve heard better obscene phone calls. Can you make me a copy?

TECHNICIAN

Sure.

He presses a button and puts a CD into a slot and begins to burn a copy.

Sorensen’s PHONE RINGS.

SORENSEN

Go ahead, Phil. What have you got?

PHIL (O.S.)

(on phone)

You’re not going to like this.

(beat)

Berkeley PD called. The girls aren’t in school. They never arrived.

SORENSEN

Shit.

PHIL (O.S.)

And campus police said Roger Landry didn’t show up to class. Nobody’s seen him.

SORENSEN

Oh, fuck!

PHIL (O.S.)

It get’s worse. The shrink hasn’t seen Jason Petrie in over a month. He’s missed three sessions, and he hasn’t refilled his prescriptions. She said when he goes off his meds, he falls into a depression. That’s when the identities take over.

The air leaves Sorensen body. It’s the worse news. He stays quiet, thinking.

PHIL (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Jack? What do you want to do?

SORENSEN

Amber Alert on the two girls. APB on Jason and the husband.

TECHNICIAN

(whispered)

Holy shit.

SORENSEN

Start checking shelters, clinics, hospital, anywhere Jason may have been seen in the past week. And contact Uber. Let’s find out if one of their drivers actually picked up the family. This could still be the dad.

PHIL (O.S.)

Jesus. You are a cynic. What about Dr. Landry?

SORENSEN

I’ll bring her to the station. We’ll set up command there.

PHIL

FBI?

SORENSEN

Down the road.

PHIL (O.S.)

Okay, We’ll get up.

(beat)

Oh, wait! Jack? Don’t hang up. There’s one more thing. The phone number you gave us. The one Jason used to call the station. It’s the wrong number.

SORENSEN

Wait. What?

Sorensen opens his binder on a table to double-checks.

PHIL

We checked with the carrier. The number is registered to Roger Landry — Dr. Ellen’s husband.

INSERT NOTEPAD – Sorensen’s finger flips the sticky note back and forth. The number on the note and the number underneath are the same.

PHIL (O.S.) (CONT’D)

You gave us the wrong number.

Sorensen suddenly realizes — it’s not the wrong number.

SORENSEN

Son-of-a-bitch.

[Dana Abbott]

Dramatic Devices Day 4 – Twists

PS81 – Dana’s Twist

What I learned from this assignment:

This is the end scene to my script. It’s the twist ending I planned. I implemented the “Lie is uncovered” and the “New problem occurs” twists. I realized as I was writing, I may have too much exposition during the detective scene, but I can work that into my script earlier.

Characters:

Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: Sympathetic/kind, Hopeful, Ambitious Anxious/Insecure

Subtext Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.

Name: Ryan

Traits: polite, calculating, violent, sinister

Subtext Logline: Ryan blackmails Ellen into revealing details of her past to entertain the on-air audience.

Name: Det. Sorensen –

Traits: confident, controlling, cynical/sarcastic, compassionate

Subtext Logline: Det Sorenson is assigned to the investigation and must strengthen Ellen to keep her engaged with the suspect to save her family.

SCENE:

EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – DAY

TV vans parked fill parking lot. Camera crews and reporters line both sides of the walkway into the building, clamoring for news.

Uniformed police keep them corralled to the sides.

When Ellen and Sorensen come through the front door, all hell ERUPTS. Ellen is wrapped in a blanket, fragile, tucked under Sorensen’s protective arm.

Flashbulbs strike like lightning. Reporters SHOUT questions, one LOUDER than the next, too impossible to hear.

Sorensen holds Ellen as they walk, holding up his hand to protect Ellen from the mob.

A sedan parked at the curb waits for them. A uniformed cop opens the back door as they approach.

At the door, Ellen turns to Sorensen, her eyes glazing over. She places a gentle hand to his face where she slapped him earlier. “I’m sorry” and “thank you” fill her eyes.

Sorensen’s eyes tear, but he remains tall and stoic.

Ellen eased into the back seat. The door is closed. She peers out at Sorensen, placing her hand to the window as the sedan begins to drive away.

INT. SEDAN – BACK SEAT – MOVING

Ellen peers through the back window as she’s driven away from Sorensen, still standing at the curb.

EXT. KCSF RADIO STATION – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen remains at the curb watching Ellen drive away, his watering eyes drop a tear down his face. Flashbulbs POP.

APPLAUSE ERUPTS

INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD ROOM – POLICE HEADQUARTERS – DAY

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Sorensen walks the floor through the maze of desks, accepting the APPLAUSE of his colleagues giving him a standing ovation.

Sorensen is humbled, nodding and shaking a a few hands, but not smiling. It’s been a hard day.

Phil waits at Sorensen’s desk, huddled with two DETECTIVES. The applause dies, and the cops get back to work.

Sorensen and Phil take a moment to acknowledge the day.

PHIL

How you doing?

SORENSEN

Been better.

PHIL

Dr. Landry’s at the hospital with her daughters. They weren’t hurt. They’re going to be okay.

Sorensen nods. No words. He drops Jason’s file to his desk.

DETECTIVE 1

The Uber driver was Jerry McGrath. Sixty-two. Divorced. Lived alone. ME says he was killed Sunday night, but that he’d been tortured for at least a day before he died.

SORENSEN

Jason needed his pass codes.

DETECTIVE 2

He used McGrath’s SUV to kidnap Landry and the two girls. We found it at the scene. Company records show Landry ordered a car at eight-forty-seven and was picked up five minutes later at eight-fifty-two. The GPS was turned off ten minutes later.

PHIL

Jason dismantled the husband’s car in the driveway —

DETECTIVE 1

— cut the ignition wires —

PHIL

— and parked around the corner to wait for Landry to make the call.

SORENSEN

He had to make sure he was the first driver to the Landry home.

DETECTIVE 2

Had to be stalking the family for a while. Know the routine.

SORENSEN

What about the phone?

PHIL

Stolen. He used spoof software and bounced the signal through foreign sites not to be traced.

DETECTIVE 2

How could a gerbil like this set all this up?

SORENSEN

Computer science major. Dropped out of Stanford when he got sick.

Phil sends the detective back to work with a nod.

PHIL

Take the rest of the day. Go home. Be with your kids.

Phil pats Sorensen on the shoulder and heads to his office.

Sorensen sits down and reclines in his chair. This is his first real rest. He looks to the framed pictures on his desk.

A FRAMED PICTURE OF HIS DAUGHTERS. Their school pictures. Two girls, ten and twelve, just like Ellen’s daughters. Both cute as a bugs ear.

Sorensen leans forward, leaning on his elbows, staring at his girls, rubbing his wedding ring.

DETECTIVE RIVERS stands at his desk talking on the phone.

RIVERS

(on phone)

Hold on. I’ll see if he’s in.

(he pressed hold)

Jack…? Jack?

Sorensen leaves his thoughts and looks across at Rivers.

RIVERS (CONT’D)

I got a guy on two says he needs to talk to you. Some doctor at county.

SORENSEN

Have him leave a message. I’m heading home.

RIVERS

He says is urgent. About your boy, Jason.

Shit. A heavy SIGH. Reluctant.

SORENSEN

Okay. Put him through.

Rivers presses line two on his phone.

RIVERS

Doc? I’m transferring you now.

Rivers forwards call and hangs up. Sorensen’s phone rings.

SORENSEN

(answering phone)

Sorensen.

DOCTOR (O.S.)

(on phone)

Detective? Thank you for taking my call. My name is Robert Green. I’m on staff at San Francisco General.

SORENSEN

What can I do for you, doc?

GREEN (O.S.)

(on phone)

We were holding a patient here at the hospital over the weekend for on a seventy-two hour psych exam. The police brought him in Friday. Homeless. Catatonic —

SORENSEN

— Doc? It’s been a long day.

GREEN (O.S.)

Yeah, no, I’m sorry. I’ll get to the point.

SORENSEN

That’d be nice.

GREEN (O.S.)

The patient’s name is Randy Armstrong. He’s been in and out of our system for awhile, but I didn’t put things together until I saw the news about Dr. Landry and saw his picture on the TV.

Sorensen sits up.

SORENSEN

What do you mean?

GREEN (O.S.)

I think my patient is your suspect.

Sorensen says nothing, numb, his mind racing.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Detective Sorensen? You there?

SORENSEN

Yeah, I’m here. Can you repeat that?

GREEN

I think my patient is your suspect, Jason Petrie.

SORENSEN

Hold on, Doc. I’m onna put you on speaker.

Sorensen presses hold, hangs up, then presses speaker.

SORENSEN (CONT’D)

You there?

GREEN

Yes. I’m here.

Sorensen pulls out his keyboard and turns on his sleeping computer screen. The SFPD home page.

SORENSEN

(using his mouse)

What’s your patient’s name again?

GREEN (O.S.)

(on speaker)

Armstrong. Randy Armstrong.

COMPUTER SCREEN

A pop-up window. The cursor types ARMSTRONG, RANDY in the open field. The cursor arrow moves and hits ENTER.

Sorensen is stunned.

COMPUTER SCREEN

Jason’s picture fills one side of the screen. His patient intake form on the other.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

I didn’t know what to think when I saw Randy’s picture on the news.

Sorensen can’t believe his eyes.

COMPUTER SCREEN

The name field reads: Armstrong, Randy.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

I figured I’d better call somebody.

Sorensen plugs his thumb drive into his computer, harried.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

I don’t understand any of this. Maybe I’m not supposed to, I don’t know —

COMPUTER SCREEN

The arrow cursor clicks on Jason’s patient file. Jason’s file and picture explode on the screen. It’s Randy.

Sorensen can’t believe his eyes.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

— the news reported Dr. Landry’s family was kidnapped at eight-forty five this morning —

FOCUS ON – SPEAKER PHONE

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

— but we didn’t release Randy until ten o’clock. How could he kidnap the Landry’s when he were still holding him?

Sorensen stares at the computer screen, silent.

COMPUTER SCREEN

The pictures are side by side. It’s the same man.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on speaker)

The staff said Randy was picked up by an Uber driver in an SUV.

CLOSE – SORENSEN staring at Jason.

CLOSE – JASON staring right back.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Detective Sorensen? Are you there?

CLOSE – SORENSEN numb. There had to be another person.

GREEN (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Detective Sorensen…? Detective Sorensen…?

CUT TO BLACK:

A long beat.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Good morning, San Francisco! And it is a great day here in the city by the bay —

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – DAY

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

You’re listening to the Brian Osborn Show. And we are one week and counting, and my callers are still talking about Ellen Landry. So let’s get right to the phones.

We’ve got Maureen from Brisbane on the line. Hello, Maureen. You’re on with Brian.

WOMAN (V.O.)

Hello, Brian. This is Maureen. And I’m probably swimming against the tide, but I don’t think Dr. Ellen did the right thing. This was her patient. And isn’t there something in the Hippocratic oath that says do no harm?

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

The man had her family. Don’t you think that an extreme circumstance?

WOMAN

I do, yes. But the reports said the police were minutes away. She could have kept her patient talking and let police negotiate with him when they arrived.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

I gotta admit, Maureen, you’re in the minority on this. Most people are in the pro Ellen camp. But I appreciate your call. Okay. Let’s go to Jimmy across the bay in Oakland. Hello, Jimmy.

MAN’S VOICE (V.O.)

Hi, Brian. This is Jimmy. I think Maureen is full of crap! Dr. Ellen did the right thing. I mean, what was she supposed to do? Let that SOB kill her kids? He already shot her husband. And to turn the tables and get him to blow his own brains out. That’s one smart lady. And when she comes back on air, I’m going to call her and tell her.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

Well, okay. Thanks, Jimmy. But you may have to wait awhile to tell her that. From what I understand, the Dr. Ellen Show is on hiatus while she recovers with her daughters.

(beat)

Okay. Let’s take one more quick call. We’ve got Steve in Pacifica. Hello, Steve. You’re on the air with Brian Osborn.

Beat.

RYAN (V.O.)

Hello, Brian. This is Steve. Love your show. I’m a longtime listener.

(beat)

And a first time caller.

FADE OUT:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Dramatic Irony

What I learned from this assignment:

I learned I didn’t need a long dramatic conversation to create my dramatic irony. A simple shot of a cell phone in an empty room was all I needed to reveal the antagonist’s plot to mislead the police.

Characters:

Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: Sympathetic/kind, Hopeful, Ambitious Anxious/Insecure

Subtext Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.

Name: Ryan

Traits: polite, calculating, violent, sinister

Subtext Logline: Ryan blackmails Ellen into revealing details of her past to entertain the on-air audience.

Name: Det. Sorensen –

Traits: confident, controlling, cynical/sarcastic, compassionate

Subtext Logline: Det Sorenson is assigned to the investigation and must strengthen Ellen to keep her engaged with the suspect to save her family.

SCENE:

INT. COMMON AREA – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen on the phone with his lieutenant.

SORENSEN

Go, Phil.

PHIL

We got a GPS lock on the husband’s phone. We have a warrant, and SWAT is in route.

SORENSEN

How soon?

PHIL

Ten minutes.

SORENSEN

Damn it! We don’t have ten minutes! Goose their asses!

INT. SWAT VAN – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

The SWAT team is checking weapons. The COMMANDER is giving final instruction.

COMMANDER

This is a multiple hostage situation. Father and two daughters. Ten and twelve. Negotiations with the suspect have failed. He is armed and threatening to kill one hostage on the hour.

(with emphasis)

This is a full breach scenario.

INT. EMPTY ROOM – CONTINUOUS

It’s a hazy, gloomy room. A CELL PHONE sits on the table in the corner, plugged in. The screen glows against the gloom. We HEAR ELLEN’S VOICE.

MOVE CLOSER TO THE PHONE. A software app is running, keeping the phone active, tuned into KCSF 1320. Ellen’s radio show. We HEAR the conversation between Ellen and Ryan over the phone.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

PLACEHOLDER: Ellen spares with Ryan. The conversation has ventured into Ellen’s troubled past.

INT. EMPTY ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The door BLASTS open. SWAT storms inside. We HEAR them raid the other rooms.

A DEAD MAN ROPED TO A CHAIR. Tortured to death.

We HEAR the SWAT team YELLING “CLEAR! — CLEAR! — CLEAR!”

INT. COMMON AREA – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen waiting on his phone. Then —

PHIL (O.S.)

(on phone)

Jack. It’s not him.

SORENSEN

What?

PHIL (O.S.)

They found the Uber driver. He’s dead. Tortured. And the husband’s phone. It’s tuned into Dr. Ellen’s show to keep it active so we could track the GPS.

SORENSEN

But the number…?

PHIL (O.S.)

He’s using another phone with some kind of spoof software to pirate the husband’s number. That why we couldn’t trace it.

(beat)

I’m sorry, Jack.

Sorensen hangs up and runs for the studio.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen is engaged with Ryan.

RYAN

Will you look at the time.

Ellen looks a the clock. One minute to the hour.

Sorensen enters the control booth. The look of his face tells Ellen everything. He shakes his head. They didn’t find Jason.

RYAN (CONT’D)

This hour has just flown by.

ELLEN

We need keep talking. This is good.

RYAN

For who? To let the police blunder into another red herring?

Ryan LAUGHS, sinister.

RYAN (CONT’D)

You can’t stall the inevitable.

ELLEN

Please. Talk to me. Let’s talk this through.

RYAN

The time for talking is over, Dr. Ellen. It’s time for you to choose.

ELLEN

No. Wait. What? I don’t know what mean.

RYAN

It’s time for you to choose who lives and who dies.

ELLEN

What?

RYAN

You didn’t think you were going to escape unscathed, did you? You need to accept your responsibility for your failure. Sacrifice and pain. Remember? It’s the path to your greatness.

ELLEN

Ryan — wait — no — please — please —

RYAN

Who is it going to be, doctor? Husband? Daughter? Lover? Child? Who do you love more? Or better yet, who do you love less?

ELLEN

Ryan, please! Please, don’t do this! Please!

RYAN

Parents say they love their children equally. But I’ve never believed that. It wasn’t true of mine. Parents play favorites. I wonder, which daughter is your favorite. Mackenzie? Samantha?

ELLEN

Please! Not my daughters!

RYAN

I think we have a winner.

Ryan sets down his phone. FOOTSTEPS away from the phone. A door being UNLOCKED. GIRLS SCREAMING. ROGER’S VOICE.

ROGER (O.S.)

(distant; on phone)

No, wait. Don’t. Stop. What are you doing?

Ellen stands up, her hands clutching her headset.

ELLEN

RYAN! RYAN!

SCUFFLING. Ryan forcing Roger into the room. The door SLAMS CLOSED. LOCKED.

ROGER

What are you doing? What’s happening?

ELLEN

ROGER?

ROGER

…Ellen…?

ELLEN

(whimpering)

…Roger…? Roger…?

ROGER

Ellen?

A long silence. Everybody listening.

ROGER (CONT’D)

Ellen…?

(beat; frightened)

I love you…

BOOM! The gun FIRES. A body HITS THE FLOOR. Silence.

Ellen, in shock, her breath stolen. She looks at everyone and nothing, waiting…

RYAN

This would be a good time for us to take a break. Don’t go away. We’ll be right back. And remember, I’m listening.

The call breaks.

Ellen SCREAMS and throws off her headset and explodes through the studio door, frantic.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH

Sorensen charges after her.

INT. COMMON AREA

Ellen collides into Sorensen, and she falls into his arms, sobbing, hysterical. Her legs give out, and he eases her to the floor. She almost vanishes in his arms.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Conflict

What I learned from this assignment:

This was my first run with these two characters. It was fun to explore the conflict between them. I let the dialogue flow and went back through it to find and add tension. It will need to be tightened in the next edit, but the tension between Bobby and Ellen provokes Ellen to find her strength.

This is the scene just after Ellen’s husband is shot on the air by Ryan. And Jason’s protective personality, Bobby, a twelve-year-old boy, has emerged to keep Jason from realizing what’s happened.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen eases into her chair, dazed and emotionally battered. She struggles get her tears under control.

In the control booth, Claire is at the helm with her headset on, Pete standing behind her, both watching, listening.

Ellen picks up her headset, hesitates, takes a huge steadying breath, then slips them on.

We HEAR someone new. BOBBY, another personality, a young boy of twelve.

BOBBY (O.S.)

Hello…? Dr. Ellen? Hello…?

Ellen tries to respond, stifled by fear, trembling.

BOBBY (CONT’D)

Hello…?

Ellen swallows hard. Composes herself.

ELLEN

This is Dr. Ellen…

BOBBY

(happy, surprised)

Hi, Dr. Ellen. This is Bobby. Do you remember me? I’m a friend of Jason’s.

Ellen takes a deep, recovering breath. She was expecting Ryan; Bobby is better, but not much.

ELLEN

Hello, Bobby. Yes. I remember you.

(choking up)

How — how have you been?

BOBBY

I’m okay. You know — considering.

ELLEN

Considering what?

BOBBY

I’m still with Jason. And that’s not fun. Sometimes I wish he would just go away. He’s still homeless, you know.

ELLEN

Bobby? I need to ask you for help with something. I need to ask you something. Can you do that for me? Can you answer a question for me?

BOBBY

Umm, maybe…

ELLEN

Is my husband — Is he hurt?

BOBBY

Is he — is he the really tall guy?

ELLEN

His name is Roger.

BOBBY

(whispering)

I think he’s asleep. He’s lying down over there.

(beat)

You want me to check.

ELLEN

Please…

BOBBY

Okay.

The phone travels with Bobby. We HEAR footsteps across the floor. A silent moment —

BOBBY (CONT’D)

(to Roger; whispered)

Hey, mister? Mister? You asleep? Are you in there?

(long beat; then to Ellen)

Yeah, he’s asleep. He’s not waking up. He looks really tired.

Ellen places a hand over her mouth to silence her crying. Bobby has confirmed Roger’s dead. Her worst fear realized.

ELLEN

Thank you… Bobby…

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Claire is in shock, helpless.

CLAIRE

Oh, dear God.

(to Pete)

Where is that fucking detective?

PETE

I don’t know.

INT. ELLEN’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen sits at the desk. He’s working on Ellen’s laptop.

LAPTOP SCREEN – The cursor CLICKS open a folder with a list of patient files. The cursor scrolls down a list until we find PETRIE, JASON’S file. The cursor CLICKS opens file and Jason’s patient record pops opens. An attachment says photo.

Sorensen uses the mouse to scroll.

SORENSEN

Okay, asshole. Let’s see what you look like.

LAPTOP SCREEN – A photo of Jason in better years pops open full screen. He’s a young man in thirties, dark complected, before being ravaged by illness and homeless. He seems at peace and happy.

SORENSEN (CONT’D)

You’re not so fucking scary. Now lets find out what makes you tick.

Sorensen presses another button.

THE COMPUTER wakes up and begins to print out Jason’s file.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen wiping her face with both hands, sniffling, controlling her emotions, recovering.

BOBBY (O.S.)

Hello…? Dr. Ellen? Are you still there?

ELLEN

I’m here, Bobby.

BOBBY

Oh, good! For a minute, I thought you went away. I like talking to you.

ELLEN

Bobby? Can you tell me? Are my daughters safe? Have they been harmed?

BOBBY

(surprised)

Are those your daughters?

ELLEN

Yes. They’re my daughters. Mackenzie and Samantha.

BOBBY

I like them. They look like fun.

Which one’s which?

ELLEN

Samantha is older. She’s twelve.

BOBBY

Hey, we’re the same age.

(shy)

I think she’s cute.

ELLEN

Bobby, may I speak to my daughters? I need to know they’re both safe. I need to hear their voices.

BOBBY

Oh, I don’t know…

Ellen’s frustration is growing.

ELLEN

(tempered)

Bobby. I need to speak with my daughters.

BOBBY

They’re in the other room. And Mr. Ryan won’t let me play with them.

(quiet; nervous)

I don’t like him. He’s scary. He has a gun.

ELLEN

But he’s not there now.

BOBBY

Yes, he is. He’s always here.

ELLEN

And where is here, Bobby? Where is here?

BOBBY

(playful)

You can’t ask me that. That’s cheating.

ELLEN

Why is it cheating?

BOBBY

Because we’re playing hide and seek. You can’t ask me where I’m hiding. That isn’t fair. You have to find us fair and square.

Bobby laughs a little kid’s laughs.

BOBBY (CONT’D)

C’mon, Dr. Ellen. Geez…

She stifles her anger with Bobby. She wants to scream at him, but can’t. She calms herself to consider another approach.

INT. ELLEN’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen, standing, pours through Jason’s file. His CELL PHONE RINGS.

SORENSEN

Sorensen. Go.

PHIL (O.S.)

(on phone)

Jack, Memphis PD tracked down the sister. She’s on the phone and has been briefed, and she wants to talk to her brother. They have a hostage negotiator sitting with her to help coach the call. What do you think?

A moment’s thought.

SORENSEN

Route the call to the station.

Sorensen bolts from the room.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen, eyes closed, still thinking.

BOBBY

(excited; almost shouting)

Hey! You know what?

Ellen jumps, startled at his outburst.

ELLEN

What, Bobby?

BOBBY

I got — I got a new — a new puppy. His name was Spotty because — because he had all these spots.

ELLEN

That’s nice, Bobby. Is Spotty there with you now?

BOBBY

(sad)

No…

ELLEN

Why not? What happened to Spotty?

BOBBY

(sad)

He’s gone. Jason wouldn’t let me keep him — because, because the shelter doesn’t like dogs. Jason made me get rid of him.

ELLEN

Maybe Jason will get you another dog. Would you like me to ask him for you?

BOBBY

(hesitant)

I don’t know. Maybe.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen bursts into the booth.

CLAIRE

Where the hell have you been?

He ignores her and drops Jason’s file to the table.

SORENSEN

My department is routing a call from Memphis. Get ready to put it through to Ellen.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN

Bobby, is Jason with you? Can I speak with him?

BOBBY

(ticked off)

Why do you always want to talk to Jason? He’s mad at you, anyway.

ELLEN

Why is he mad at me?

BOBBY

You know — because you left. You left all of us. So no, I don’t think you can talk to him.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

SORENSEN

(to Claire)

I need to speak with her!

Claire presses the intercom button. Nods “Go” to Sorensen. He grabs the microphone.

SORENSEN (CONT’D)

(into microphone)

Ellen? Memphis has his sister on the phone. She wants to talk to him.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen is unsure about the idea. She shakes her head, remembering Ryan’s warning.

SORENSEN

(through the headset)

They have a negotiator there to coach her.

It doesn’t sound good, but she’s desperate —

ELLEN

Bobby? Jason’s sister is on the phone. She’d like to speak to her brother. Will you let Jason talk with his sister?

BOBBY

I don’t know…

ELLEN

I think Jason would like to talk to his sister. Don’t you?

Bobby hems and haws. Exaggerated kid sighs.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Why don’t we let Jason talk to his sister for a few minutes. Okay?

BOBBY

I guess…

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Claire preps the call, waits to hear the call in her headset, then points at Ellen. Go!

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Dramatic Choices

What I learned from this assignment:

In every scene, little by little, the screenwriter reveals a piece of evidence against the protagonist and/or his emotions toward the victim. The drama unfolds gradually, not everything at once, learning about the other characters through his investigation, like peeling an onion to keep us engaged. We are meant to like the protagonist at the beginning and then suspect him of murder through the entire film. We don’t want him to be guilty, but we’re kept guessing until the very end.

PRESUMED INNOCENT

Opening:

1. Over the scene of an empty court room and jury box, Rozat “Rusty” Sabich narrates his responsibilities as a prosecutor and justice.

2. In their kitchen, Rusty and Barbara begin their morning. Barbara mentions Rusty’s ambitions to be a lawyer; Rusty reads a newspaper article about the political debate between DA Raymond Horgan and Nico Della Guardia. INSERTED picture of the two men.

3. Barbara, the dutiful wife, drops their son off at school and Rusty at the ferry into the city.

4. At the DA’s office, Rusty walks a chaotic room instructing the other prosecutors how proceed on their cases demonstrating his authority.

5. Rusty is handed a note his secretary found slipped under his office door. She tells him the DA wants to see him. Rusty reads the note. INSERTED: “I know it’s you. Stop it!” He pockets the note.

6. In the DA’s office, Raymond informs Rusty that Carolyn Polhemus was raped and murdered. CLOSE SHOT: Rusty visibly shaken, trying to hide emotion. Raymond complains about the politics and asked Rusty to take over the investigation.

7. Rusty enters Carolyn’s office and begins the investigation. He’s wistful at her photograph.

8. On the computer, a file is shown missing.

9. Det. Lipranzer joins Rusty in Carolyn’s office. They discuss the missing file and the method of death. INSERTED: graphic crime photos. Lipranzer suggests she knew her killer. Rusty seems worried. They discuss Carolyn’s dangerous sexual character.

10. In the hallway, Rusty meets with another prosecutor about the missing file. Why did Carolyn have it? Unknown. Also, Tommy Molto, head of homicide has quit.

11. In the dark of his office, after hours, Rusty burns the note. We see it full flame.

12. In their master bedroom, Barbara is relaxing on their bed when Rusty gets home. She comments about her loneliness, a dig at him. She bemoans working on her dissertation at her age. She is unhappy with her life. News of Carolyn’s murder is broadcast on TV. She watches his obsessive reaction, asks about suspects. She’s angry he’s investigating the death of his ex-lover.

13. At Carolyn’s funereal, Nico Della Guardia and Judge Little are introduced. Rusty sees Carolyn’s ex-husband. A professor at some college. Rusty listens to Raymond speaks about Carolyn.

14. FLASHBACK: Carolyn next to Rusty in bed.

15. Raymond hosts a press event in an office tower. Barely anyone shows. An attendee tells Rusty people “smell a loser.” Raymond’s campaign is dying.

16. In the elevator heading down, Raymond explodes at Rusty for dragging his feet on the murder.

17. Back in the DA’s office, Rusty presses Raymond about the missing bribery file. He presses until Raymond hands him the file.

18. Driving with Lipranzer, Rusty reads the file aloud regarding a deputy prosecutor taking bribes five years ago. Carolyn’s writing is all over it. She investigated the case. It was dismissed.

19. A restaurant over lunch, Rusty and Lipranzer discuss the medical examiner’s findings. Blood type A – like Rusty. The killer is sterile – unlike Rusty. He forgot fingerprints, suggesting evasion. Phone company printout shows phone calls to Rusty’s home. He confesses his affair with Carolyn, shocking Lipranzer. Evidence is building slowly. Lipranzer suggests the victim had it coming. “She was bad news.”

20. Rusty follows a police captain through a busy station house discussing the murder.

21. In the captain’s office, Rusty is told Carolyn was investigating the bribery case. He learns she stole the file. Rusty asks about Molto. Is he involved? The captain tells Rusty about Carolyn’s interest in him, even before they met.

22. Barbara and their son meet Rusty at the ferry that night. She’s in a good mood.

23. At dinner, their son comments it’s nice to see them happy again.

24. Back home, Barbara nervously seduces her husband.

25. The next day, Rusty arrives at Carolyn’s ex-husband’s home.

26. Sitting in the study, the husband reveals more about Carolyn. She was a liar, lying her way into college. Her background was made up. She hated weak men, like her husband. The husband tells Rusty he wished Carolyn were dead. He suggests Carolyn finally met a man that she made feel weak who acted on his fantasy. We now think it’s Rusty. When he’s given pictures of Carolyn – INSERTED – he reacts, revealing to the husband it’s more than just work for Rusty.

27. Rusty driving away, fantasizes about Carolyn.

28. FLASHBACK: another shot of her next to him in bed.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Solved Character Problems

What have I learned from this assignment?

I realized my dialogue was flat in some areas or too long. I needed to tighten the character interaction and try to shorten the scenes to make the script read faster. I don’t wasn’t the reader/producer bogged down by too much description or narrative or dialogue.

A. Weak protagonist or antagonist

I put my two protagonists at greater odds with each other, making one more violent, having been corrupted by his prison term.

My two primary antagonists, the governor and his wife, had competing but confusing journey. I better defined each one, separating their journeys to make their motives clearer and more sinister.

B. Protagonist Too Good or Antagonist Too Bad.

Protagonists: Neither are too good, but I added a sexual liaison with a female Russian mobster after I changed the sex of her character.

Antagonists: I made the governor ignorant of his wife’s plotting. This added for greater tension between them when her truth is revealed.

C. Weak character intros.

Both my protagonists are confronted by their lives as they’re released from prison. The governor’s wife is good but can be stronger. I need to work on her character more.

D. Characters not in action.

I had too much dialogue between my main characters in a bar scene. I need to still cut it down in another edit.

E. Protagonist journey not strong

I changed the ending for my protagonists to fulfill his journey, but not in the way he anticipated. He solves the murder but does not reclaim him life.

F. All the characters seem the same.

This was not a problem as they all have different agendas.

G. Lead characters not present.

My lead characters are almost in every scene.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s final scene for feedback exchange

<div>I missed the opportunity for feedback, but I am already considering a complete rewrite of this scene before I finish my script. I posted my (temporary) final scene to move forward. If you would like to review my scene, please feel free to do so. I have fallen a little behind and need to catch up.</div><div>

Thanks.

</div>

SCENE:

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO BAY BRIDGE – AERIAL SHOT – DAY

The morning commute across the bridge. A black SUV spits out from the Treasure Island tunnel. It slides in and out of the lanes without signaling, the driver trying to gain the edge against the other drivers.

INT./EXT. SUV – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN LANDRY sits behind the wheel, her seat pulled forward to reach the pedals. It’s almost too much car for her.

She’s a petite woman in her thirties, dressed in a Saks Fifth Avenue skirt suit to project power, a look in direct contrast to her angelic visage. If not for her dark raven hair dusting her shoulders, she’d be fluttering over Disneyland sprinkling fairy dust.

Ellen is frantic, both hands on the wheel, constantly looking to change lanes. Her Starbuck’s coffee in the holder is being jostled. She jumps into another lane. A car HONKS at her long and hard.

ELLEN

Sorry. Sorry.

She glances at her watch. She’s late for something.

Her CELL PHONE RINGS. Ellen presses the phone button on her steering wheel. ROGER LANDRY’S VOICE fills the car through the speakers. She tries to concentrate on he driving.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Hi, honey. What’s up?

ROGER

My car won’t start.

ELLEN

What? You just got it back from the shop. What’s wrong with it now?

ROGER

Who knows? Starter. Alternator. It won’t start, and I have to get the girls to school.

ELLEN

Okay…

ROGER

I ordered Uber, He’s a minute away.

ELLEN

And…?

Looking, looking… Ellen swings into another lane.

ROGER

What makes you think there’s an And?

ELLEN

I hear it in your voice.

ROGER

That’s what I get for marrying a radio shrink.

ELLEN

A radio shrink who’s late…

ROGER

I need you to pick the girls up after school.

Ellen’s entire body reject the idea.

ELLEN

Roger…

ROGER

Samantha just remembered today is a short day. And Dean Rogers wants to talk with me about my tenure track. I can’t blow him off.

ELLEN

I have my review this afternoon, and I’m already running late for the programming meeting. Today is make or break for my show.

ROGER

Wouldn’t that be a shame?

ELLEN

Excuse me?

ROGER

I’m sorry, babe. That wasn’t fair. I’m just frustrated.

(beat)

You know I respect what you do, but this isn’t just my tenure. It’s our tenure. And if I don’t get it, I’m terminal. Not just at Berkeley, but at all the UC’s.

(beat)

I really need your support here.

Ellen shakes her head. Every fiber of her being wants to say No, but they both knows she’s about to surrender. She signs loud.

ROGER (CONT’D)

I promise, I’ll make it up to you.

ELLEN

You’re bargaining.

ROGER

Dinner at Seven Hills?

ELLEN

(frustrated)

Tell the girls I’ll pick them up.

ROGER

I love you.

ELLEN

Don’t push it.

ROGER

Thanks, babe — There’s Uber. I’ll see you tonight.

The call drops.

Ellen puffs her cheeks and sighs, irritated with herself. She reaches down and grabs her coffee, and when she glances back, her eyes go wide as something in the road ahead. She hits the brakes, and the SUV jolts to a stop. The coffee lid pops, and coffee splatters on her skirt.

ELLEN

Oh, no! No-No-No. Damn it! Damn it!

Someone HONKS at her.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Sorry. Sorry.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Add for A-List Actor

What I learned from this assignment:

I am already reconsidering my opening. The Interesting Situation helps set up the movie, but it may not be engaging enough to attract the A-List actor. I may reconsider this scene, opening with my protagonist counseling a patient, but for now I need to more forward. I can always change the opening as long as it remains true to the character and the story.

INTERESTING SITUATION: Ellen is having a bad start to her morning. Late for a station meeting, rushing through commuter traffic on the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, she jumps lanes, trying to gain minutes, apologizing to the other drivers.

She receives a phone call from her husband. His car won’t start. He’s called Uber and will take their two daughters to school. But he needs Ellen to pick them up, asking her to make a sacrifice, putting his own career before hers. Reluctantly, she surrenders.

ACTION: The phone call from her husband establishes the start of kidnapper/killer’s plan.

INSIGHT: Ellen is kind and accommodating, willing to sacrifice for others to avoid conflict.

SCENE:

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO BAY BRIDGE – AERIAL SHOT – DAY

The morning commute across the bridge. A black SUV spits out from the Treasure Island tunnel. It slides in and out of the lanes without signaling, the driver trying to gain the edge against the other drivers.

INT./EXT. SUV – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN LANDRY sits behind the wheel, her seat pulled forward to reach the pedals. It’s almost too much car for her.

She’s a petite woman in her thirties, dressed in a Saks Fifth Avenue skirt suit to project power, a look in direct contrast to her angelic visage. If not for her dark raven hair dusting her shoulders, she’d be fluttering over Disneyland sprinkling fairy dust.

Ellen is frantic, both hands on the wheel, constantly looking to change lanes. Her Starbuck’s coffee in the holder is being jostled. She jumps into another lane. A car HONKS at her long and hard.

ELLEN

Sorry. Sorry.

She glances at her watch. She’s late for something.

Her CELL PHONE RINGS. Ellen presses the phone button on her steering wheel. ROGER LANDRY’S VOICE fills the car through the speakers. She tries to concentrate on he driving.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Hi, honey. What’s up?

ROGER

My car won’t start.

ELLEN

What? You just got it back from the shop. What’s wrong with it now?

ROGER

Who knows? Starter. Alternator. It won’t start, and I have to get the girls to school.

ELLEN

Okay…

ROGER

I ordered Uber, He’s a minute away.

ELLEN

And…?

Looking, looking… Ellen swings into another lane.

ROGER

What makes you think there’s an And?

ELLEN

I hear it in your voice.

ROGER

That’s what I get for marrying a radio shrink.

ELLEN

A radio shrink who’s late…

ROGER

I need you to pick the girls up after school.

Ellen’s entire body reject the idea.

ELLEN

Roger…

ROGER

Samantha just remembered today is a short day. And Dean Rogers wants to talk with me about my tenure track. I can’t blow him off.

ELLEN

I have my review this afternoon, and I’m already running late for the programming meeting. Today is make or break for my show.

ROGER

Wouldn’t that be a shame?

ELLEN

Excuse me?

ROGER

I’m sorry, babe. That wasn’t fair. I’m just frustrated.

(beat)

You know I respect what you do, but this isn’t just my tenure. It’s our tenure. And if I don’t get it, I’m terminal. Not just at Berkeley, but at all the UC’s.

(beat)

I really need your support here.

Ellen shakes her head. Every fiber of her being wants to say No, but they both knows she’s about to surrender. She signs loud.

ROGER (CONT’D)

I promise, I’ll make it up to you.

ELLEN

You’re bargaining.

ROGER

Dinner at Seven Hills?

ELLEN

(frustrated)

Tell the girls I’ll pick them up.

ROGER

I love you.

ELLEN

Don’t push it.

ROGER

Thanks, babe — There’s Uber. I’ll see you tonight.

The call drops.

Ellen puffs her cheeks and sighs, irritated with herself. She reaches down and grabs her coffee, and when she glances back, her eyes go wide as something in the road ahead. She hits the brakes, and the SUV jolts to a stop. The coffee lid pops, and coffee splatters on her skirt.

ELLEN

Oh, no! No-No-No. Damn it! Damn it!

Someone HONKS at her.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Sorry. Sorry.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Add for A-List Actor

What I learned from this assignment:

I am already reconsidering my opening. The Interesting Situation helps set up the movie, but it may not be engaging enough to attract the A-List actor. I may reconsider this scene, opening with my protagonist counseling a patient, but for now I need to more forward. I can always change the opening as long as it remains true to the character and the story.

INTERESTING SITUATION: Ellen is having a bad start to her morning. Late for a station meeting, rushing through commuter traffic on the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, she jumps lanes, trying to gain minutes, apologizing to the other drivers.

She receives a phone call from her husband. His car won’t start. He’s called Uber and will take their two daughters to school. But he needs Ellen to pick them up, asking her to make a sacrifice, putting his own career before hers. Reluctantly, she surrenders.

ACTION: The phone call from her husband establishes the start of kidnapper/killer’s plan.

INSIGHT: Ellen is kind and accommodating, willing to sacrifice for others to avoid conflict.

SCENE:

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO BAY BRIDGE – AERIAL SHOT – DAY

The morning commute across the bridge. A black SUV spits out from the Treasure Island tunnel. It slides in and out of the lanes without signaling, the driver trying to gain the edge against the other drivers.

INT./EXT. SUV – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN LANDRY sits behind the wheel, her seat pulled forward to reach the pedals. It’s almost too much car for her.

She’s a petite woman in her thirties, dressed in a Saks Fifth Avenue skirt suit to project power, a look in direct contrast to her angelic visage. If not for her dark raven hair dusting her shoulders, she’d be fluttering over Disneyland sprinkling fairy dust.

Ellen is frantic, both hands on the wheel, constantly looking to change lanes. Her Starbuck’s coffee in the holder is being jostled. She jumps into another lane. A car HONKS at her long and hard.

ELLEN

Sorry. Sorry.

She glances at her watch. She’s late for something.

Her CELL PHONE RINGS. Ellen presses the phone button on her steering wheel. ROGER LANDRY’S VOICE fills the car through the speakers. She tries to concentrate on he driving.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Hi, honey. What’s up?

ROGER

My car won’t start.

ELLEN

What? You just got it back from the shop. What’s wrong with it now?

ROGER

Who knows? Starter. Alternator. It won’t start, and I have to get the girls to school.

ELLEN

Okay…

ROGER

I ordered Uber, He’s a minute away.

ELLEN

And…?

Looking, looking… Ellen swings into another lane.

ROGER

What makes you think there’s an And?

ELLEN

I hear it in your voice.

ROGER

That’s what I get for marrying a radio shrink.

ELLEN

A radio shrink who’s late…

ROGER

I need you to pick the girls up after school.

Ellen’s entire body reject the idea.

ELLEN

Roger…

ROGER

Samantha just remembered today is a short day. And Dean Rogers wants to talk with me about my tenure track. I can’t blow him off.

ELLEN

I have my review this afternoon, and I’m already running late for the programming meeting. Today is make or break for my show.

ROGER

Wouldn’t that be a shame?

ELLEN

Excuse me?

ROGER

I’m sorry, babe. That wasn’t fair. I’m just frustrated.

(beat)

You know I respect what you do, but this isn’t just my tenure. It’s our tenure. And if I don’t get it, I’m terminal. Not just at Berkeley, but at all the UC’s.

(beat)

I really need your support here.

Ellen shakes her head. Every fiber of her being wants to say No, but they both knows she’s about to surrender. She signs loud.

ROGER (CONT’D)

I promise, I’ll make it up to you.

ELLEN

You’re bargaining.

ROGER

Dinner at Seven Hills?

ELLEN

(frustrated)

Tell the girls I’ll pick them up.

ROGER

I love you.

ELLEN

Don’t push it.

ROGER

Thanks, babe — There’s Uber. I’ll see you tonight.

The call drops.

Ellen puffs her cheeks and sighs, irritated with herself. She reaches down and grabs her coffee, and when she glances back, her eyes go wide as something in the road ahead. She hits the brakes, and the SUV jolts to a stop. The coffee lid pops, and coffee splatters on her skirt.

ELLEN

Oh, no! No-No-No. Damn it! Damn it!

Someone HONKS at her.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Sorry. Sorry.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Dialogue on Attack

What I learned from this assignment:

It took me longer than I had anticipated, but I completed my scene. This scene is the end of Act 1. I focused on my antagonist’s dialogue to create the scene, given that my protagonist’s is reaction to the kidnapping her family.

Basic character traits: Ellen

· Sympathetic/Kind

· Hopeful

· Ambitious

· Anxious/Insecure

Subtext: withholding, manipulative

Basic character traits: Ryan

· polite

· calculating

· violent

· sinister

Subtext: Devious

Basic character traits: Sorensen

· confident

· controlling

· cynical/sarcastic

· compassionate

Subtext: Clandestine, diplomatic

SCENE:

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

We HEAR Ellen, soft and muffled, through the glass speaking to the current caller.

Claire, buried in front of the control screens, answers the call blinking on her control board.

CLAIRE

(into microphone)

Dr. Ellen Show. Can I have your name?

RYAN (O.S.)

(on phone)

My name’s Ryan.

Ryan’s voice is smooth and soothing, very controlled.

CLAIRE

And why do you wish to speak with Dr. Ellen today?

RYAN

I’m having difficulty with one of my relationships.

CLAIRE

Relationships? Plural? Are you involved in more than one?

RYAN

Involved. Hmm. — Yes. That’s an interesting way of describing it.

Claire debates for a moment. Something about this caller has made her ill at ease. She studies caller screen, deciding if and where to place Ryan.

CLAIRE

I have you first after the commercial. Can you hold?

RYAN

For Dr. Ellen? Always.

She tinkers on the keyboard.

PHONE TALKBACK SCREEN

RYAN’s name is scheduled second on the caller list.

CUT TO:

INT. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

PLACEHOLDER: Pete is on the phone with the station owner discussing the situation when he’s buzzed by reception. The press is calling. He takes the call to inform the reporter that the station has no comment regarding the call from Jason.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

We HEAR a COMMERCIAL playing in the b.g. Ellen looks at her cell phone again for the tenth time, checking for a message from her husband or her daughters’ school.

Claire sees Ellen checking her phone.

CLAIRE

Nothing yet?

Ellen looks at Claire and shakes her head, distraught.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

It’s okay. They’re all fine. I’m sure of it.

ELLEN

Where’s Detective Sorensen?

CLAIRE

He’s in the other office. You want me to get him? I can go to another commercial.

Ellen considers the request. She looks at her phone again. Finally, she shakes her head at Claire.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

Okay. We’re out of commercial in twenty. You’re doing good.

Ellen nods, taking a deep breath.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

Claire returns to managing the control panel. In the b.g., through the glass partition, Ellen checks her phone. PAN beyond Claire and ZOOM toward PHONE TALKBACK SCREEN.

COMMERCIAL

(on air)

…the best rest of your life. So comfortable, you’ll forget your asleep. The Amnesia Sleep Center. Located downstairs at the Westin Mall on Lakeview Drive. Dreamers always welcome.

PHONE TALKBACK SCREEN

RYAN is listed next on the caller list. The SCREENED indication light under his name is green.

ELLEN (O.S.)

Welcome back to the Dr. Ellen Show. We have Ryan on the line with us now. And he’s having difficulty in his relationship.

The SCREENED indication light turns to ON AIR red.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen takes Ryan’s call with one eye is still on her phone. Her conversational voice masks her obvious anxiety.

ELLEN

Good morning, Ryan. Let’s talk.

RYAN

Good morning, Dr. Ellen. Long time listener. First time caller.

ELLEN

Thank you. That’s nice to hear. Tell us what’s going on in your relationship.

RYAN

We’re not communicating.

ELLEN

And why is that?

RYAN

It’s a difference in —

(beat)

personality.

Ellen nods, listening intently.

INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Sorensen is still on the phone with his department.

PHIL (O.S.)

(on phone)

Jack? You still there?

SORENSEN

Yeah, I’m here Phil. What have you got?

PHIL (O.S.)

We sent units to the husband’s work and the daughters’ school. Nobody has seen or heard from the husband, and the girls aren’t in class.

SORENSEN

(heavy sigh)

That’s not good.

(thinking)

What about this Jason guy?

PHIL (O.S.)

We checked the homeless shelters. Apparently, he moves around a lot, sleeping at two or three different shelters in the city. But no-one’s seen him in a couple of weeks. And the shrink Dr. Landry referred you to said Jason will go off his meds and miss appointments. He couldn’t tell us much more without violating privilege, but he agreed that Jason wasn’t violent.

SORENSEN

Maybe he’s learned a few tricks living on the streets.

PHIL (O.S.)

We’re looking for the Uber driver. The company recorded the pick-up, but the driver didn’t complete the ride. There was no drop off. And the driver’s GPS is off line.

Sorensen rubs his forehead, developing a headache.

SORENSEN

(soft)

Shit. That’s not good.

(thinking)

Okay. APB on Jason and the driver. Missing person on the husband. And let’s put out an Amber Alert for the two girls.

PHIL (O.S.)

FBI?

SORENSEN

Not yet. This could still be the husband.

PHIL (O.S.)

About that. Are you sure the phone number gave us is the right number?

SORENSEN

Yeah. Why?

PHIL (O.S.)

We checked with the carrier. The number is assigned to Roger Landry –

(beat)

– Dr. Ellen’s husband.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen is counselling Ryan.

ELLEN

From what you’ve told me, Ryan, it doesn’t sound like you’re involved a functional relationship.

RYAN

On that, Doctor Ellen, we agree.

ELLEN

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel?

RYAN

Not directly.

ELLEN

Maybe it’s time to sit down and have this conversation with him. You’re obviously not happy. And, apparently, neither is he.

RYAN

It’s not that simple.

ELLEN

These kinds of conversations never are. But you may be surprised. He might be receptive to the idea of you two separating.

RYAN

Oh, that’s not possible.

ELLEN

And why not?

RYAN

You should know more about that than I do, doctor.

Ellen glances up when Sorensen returns to the control booth. He’s been listening to her conversation with Ryan, and the look on his face concerns her.

ELLEN

How would I know that?

RYAN

He’s a patient of yours — or at least, he used to be.

Ellen sits back in her chair, almost separating from Ryan, anxious, puzzled.

RYAN (CONT’D)

You do remember Jason, don’t you? He called you earlier.

Ellen throws a frightened look at Sorensen, not sure how to answer.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – CONTINUOUS

SORENSEN

What’s this guys phone number?

(Claire points to the screen)

That’s her husband’s phone.

CLAIRE

Oh, dear god.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN

(confused, anxious)

How do you know Jason?

RYAN

He’s a recent acquaintance.

ELLEN

Is he there with you?

RYAN

He’s not available. But there is someone here who’d like to speak with you. Hold on. Let me get him for you.

The SOUND of Ryan setting down his phone. Footsteps. A far door opens. MUFFLED VOICES — A MAN AND SCARED GIRLS. More footsteps, scuffling. Then quiet. Someone breathing on the phone.

RYAN (CONT’D)

(to someone else)

Talk.

ROGER

(scared, weak)

…Ellen…?

Ellen’s fears pour out. Eyes wide, tearing up.

ELLEN

(whimpered)

Roger…?

ROGER

(holding it together)

It’s okay, baby. I’m not hurt. The girls are with me. We’re all okay. Please, just do what he wants —

The SOUND the phone set down again. Roger is taken back to the room. The door is closed.

Ellen in shock, gulping breathes, nearly hyperventilating.

Ryan picks up the phone.

RYAN

Dr. Ellen? Are you still there?

Ellen can’t speak.

RYAN (CONT’D)

I can here you breathing.

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

SORENSEN

Can I talk to her without him hearing?

CLAIRE

The intercom.

She presses a button. Sorensen grabs the microphone.

SORENSEN

Ellen? Can you hear me?

Ellen looks to him.

SORENSEN (CONT’D)

You need to talk to him. Find out what he wants. You need to engage with him.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ellen nods to Sorensen, barely functioning.

RYAN

Hello? Is anyone there?

ELLEN

I’m here —

(beat)

What do you want?

RYAN

Why don’t we lay the ground rules first — before we get down to the nitty-gritty. Is that okay?

ELLEN

…Yes…

RYAN

Good. Now — I don’t want to speak to anyone else but you. I think we have a strong rapport, and I don’t want our relationship infected by an outsider. Psychiatrist, police negotiator, parent, ex-girlfriend. Their involvement will add tension to an already stressful situation. And after all, this is what you’re being paid for. So can we agree to no interlopers?

ELLEN

Why are you doing this?

RYAN

We’ll get to that in a moment.

Through the partition, we see Pete join the team in the control room. He can’t believe what’s happening.

RYAN (CONT’D)

To achieve our goals today, I’ll need to know you’re listening to me, truly listening. That means your station must never leave the air. Not for a commercial, a news update, PSA. Nothing. Can that be arranged?

ELLEN

I think so…

RYAN

Oh, and no police. I know they’ll be involved, but I don’t want to see them. If I even sense they’re anywhere near me, I can’t be held responsible for what I might do.

Ellen looks at Sorensen. He nods for her to agree.

ELLEN

Okay.

RYAN

Good. Now we come to crust of the matter. The reason for my call.

(beat)

As you know, Jason and I haven’t been getting along lately. He’s moody and depressed. He refuses to take his medications. And, well… he’s boring. He’s homeless, for God’s sake.

ELLEN

What do you want from me?

RYAN

I want you to use your psychiatric talent to convince Jason to divorce himself from this relationship.

ELLEN

(shocked)

What?

RYAN

I can’t carry him any more. He has to go. So this is what’s going to happen.

(beat)

I’m going to kill one member of your family at the top of every hour until you excise Jason from my life.

ELLEN

Oh my God.

Sorensen bolts from the control room.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

(pleading)

Please, no. Please… Don’t do this.

RYAN

Don’t be afraid, Ellen. I have faith in you. People like you do their best work under extraordinary circumstances. This is your opportunity to prove your brilliance to the world.

Ellen curls into a ball in her chair, arms wrapped around her stomach, shaking, tears rolling off her cheeks and falling to the floor, crying without sound.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Character Outline

What I learned from this assignment:

As I developed this outline, I realized my antagonist’s core traits were insufficient for the horrific events that befall her. I spent several days rewriting my main characters traits, which delayed this assignment. Their core traits will evolve as I write the script, but this assignment have given me a good starting point.

FIRST TIME CALLER – CHARACTER OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

SETUP: Ellen Landry gets a call from her husband, Roger, who tells her his car won’t start. He called Uber and plans to drop their daughters at school before heading to work.

SYMPATHIC/FLAW/SUBTEXT – Ellen concedes to pick up their children after school after Roger complains about his work conflict, putting his career before hers, and vents after she hands up.

ANXIOUS: Ellen learns from her producer, Claire, that she’s missing her meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot. Nervous, hurrying, she spills her coffee on her skirt.

2. EXT. STATION – DAY

ANXIOUS: Ellen parks and grapples with her purse and computer bag as she hurries inside.

3. EXT. RECEPTION – DAY

ANXIOUS: Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

INSECURE: Ellen enters sheepishly and sits down as the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified. The station manager, Pete, meets with her about her ratings. They need to improve, or he’ll have to release her.

5. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

SUBTEXT: Wiping the stain on her skirt, Ellen vents in frustration. A toilet flushes and the station manager steps from a stall. Ellen, mortified again, realizes she’s in the men’s room.

HOPEFUL/PARADOX: Claire enters looking for her. Ellen tells her about the manager’s threat to replace her. All she needs is one great show.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Pete enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills. He admits he’s a schmuck, but the owner is concerned and wants him to find Ellen’s replacement just in case.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

ANXIOUS: Ellen settles in at her microphone. She notices Pete hovering.

SYMPATHETIC/PARADOX: Ellen listens to the first caller’s problem, but she reverts to usual form and does not connect with caller. Pete leaves disappointed.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Claire screens another caller, Jason, who claims to have multiple personalities. Perfect! Claire puts Jason through immediately.

INCITING INCIDENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

PARADOX/FLAW: Ellen engages Jason, but the call goes sideways when Jason warns that his violent personality has kidnapped Ellen’s family and that he intends to kill them one by one on-air unless she can excise the violent personality by the end of the show.

Suddenly, Jason argues with someone– another personality – and the call drops. Stunned, Ellen and her producer stare at one another. The producer goes to a commercial.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Pete returns and quips about boring calls.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

ANXIOUS: Ellen tells them Jason was an ex-patient who suffered from dissociative identity disorder. Worried, Ellen calls her husband. The call goes to voicemail. She calls the school. Her daughters haven’t arrived. The school will call when they do.

Pete leaves to call the police and as a precaution.

ANXIOUS: Claire keeps Ellen from unravelling. Ellen takes the next call, but she’s obviously distracted and concerned about her family.

12. INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD – DAY

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation. He complains the case is a snipe hunt.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

ANXIOUS: Ellen calls Roger during a commercial break. Nothing. She calls his work. He hasn’t arrived yet. And the school hasn’t called back. She’s more on edge.

14. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The manager greets Sorenson when he arrives and explains the situation.

15. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson questions Ellen and her producer about the call.

16. INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY

HOPEFUL: Ellen tells him everything she remembers about Jason.

Sorensen asks the routine questions and reassures her not to panic. He asks for a private room.

17. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson starts an investigation, although he still thinks it’s a snipe hunt.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

POLITE/CALCULATING: Ryan calls, and Claire screens his call. “Long time listener. First time caller.” He engages Ellen in polite conversation, but Ellen is perplexed why exactly he’s called.

19. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson learns the caller is using the husband’s phone. He bolts back to the control booth.

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

SINISTER: Ryan puts Roger – Ellen’s husband – On-air. Frightened to death, Roger confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped by Ryan, the violent personality.

21. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson runs into the booth in time hear Ryan explain the rules.

SINISTER/POLITE/SUBTEXT: Ryan will only talk with Ellen. Her show can never leave the air – not even for a commercial, etc.

22. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

ANXIOUS/SUBTEXT: Ellen listens intently to every rule.

FLAW/VIOLENT: Ryan’s last rule: Ellen must talk Ryan down or he’ll shoot her family one at a time starting at the top of the hour.

Ellen looks to the clock as it ticks toward the next hour.

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

23. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson jumps into the investigation. Track the husband’s phone. Find the Uber driver. Put SWAT on standby. Find the sister in Memphis.

24. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

ANXIOUS: Ellen, in shock, pleads with Ryan. Why is he doing this?

PARADOX/SUBTEXT: Ryan is giving her second chance to redeem herself after failing Jason and abandoning him for the “circus” (radio).

25. EXT. STATION – DAY

A TV van arrives. The reporter and camera men jump out.

26. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The receptionist spies the TV van arriving outside and calls the manager.

27. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The manager tells Sorensen about the media. Sorenson says no statements. Jason is probably watching TV. Send people home. Lock down the station.

28. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The manager is stunned as more vans and reporters arrive. The receptionist answers a call. The owner wants to speak to the manager.

29. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

HOPEFUL/PARADOX: Ellen struggles to engage with Ryan, asking to speak with Jason.

SINSTER/PARADOX: Ryan refuses, but he understands her fears and insists she try to engage him as a psychiatrist rather than a victim. He pushes her hard.

SECRET: Ellen reveals her mother’s illness. How she wants to help others because of her mother.

30. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson gets a call. The GPS on the husband’s phone and the Uber driver’s car place them both at the driver’s home. SWAT is enroute. Sorenson signals Ellen to stall. They’re close.

31. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

SYMPATHETIC/HOPEFUL: Ellen engages Ryan, struggling to talk him down. Stalling.

POLITE/SPECIAL: Ryan tosses her psychiatry back in her face, challenging her to do better.

Minutes tick away.

32. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan. It’s a hostage situation. Full breach.

33. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

SYMPATHETIC/ANXIOUS: Still engaged with Ryan, Ellen watches the clock as the hour approaches.

34. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT kicks the front door and storms inside.

35. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The Uber driver is dead. Ellen’s family isn’t there. But SWAT finds the husband’s phone.

36. INT. CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Sorenson is told the bad news. Ryan left the husband’s phone behind so the police would track the GPS signal to the driver’s home. Ryan is using a burn phone with a spoof number to call the station, an app that allows him to pirate the husband’s number to disguise his own.

37. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

SINISTER: Laughing at police incompetence, Ryan tells Ellen it’s time for her choose one member of her family to die. He threatens her daughters.

ANXIOUS/HOPEFUL: Ellen pleads for him not to harm them

VIOLENT: Ryan choses her husband by default. Ellen listens to Ryan drag her husband into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her. Ryan shoots him on air. Ryan says, “We’ll be right back after this short break,” and hangs up.

Ellen flees the booth, hysterical.

38. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson chases after Ellen, and she falls into his arms, sobbing. She says she’s going to be sick.

39. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

CHARACTER ARC: Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson urges her to be strong. She slaps him, taking out her frustration, and collapses to the floor, unable to go on. Sorenson holds her. He tells her she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.

40. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

In a panic, Pete argues with Claire about the dead air. Claire fires back, frustrated, reminding him of Ryan’s rules. The station cannot break from the show.

41. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson holds Ellen as she recovers. What can she tell him about Jason?

HOPEFUL: Ellen’s patient files are on her laptop in her office. “Please save my daughters.”

Pete enters. The caller is back and asking for Ellen.

42. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

SUBTEXT/SYPATHETIC: Ellen returns, but it’s not Ryan on the call. It’s a young boy, Bobby – Jason’s protective personality. She engages Bobby. He confirms Roger is dead, but her daughters are safe.

CHARACTER ARC: Ellen falters, barely able to speak, silent and wiping tears. She stares at nothing, deep in thought. She listens to Bobby.

43. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Sorenson opens Ellen’s laptop. He opens Jason’s file and reads. We see Jason’s picture.

44. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Ellen’s producer and the station manager try to get Ellen to engage Bobby. Sorenson enters carrying Jason’s printed patient file. Everyone looks to him concerned.

MIDPOINT

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

AMBITIOUS/ARC: A determined look appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions under control, she speaks with Bobby about William. Does he remember William? Everyone wonders what she’s doing.

46. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson scans Jason’s patient file and looks to Ellen stunned. He tells the others that William is a manic-depressive personality with suicidal fantasies. Realizing her intentions, Sorenson warns Ellen her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

47. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

AMBITIOUS/ARC: Ellen ignores Sorenson and engaged Bobby, determined to save her daughters – her way. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.

48. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson realizes Ellen’s in control. “It’s her show now.”

49. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

SYMPATHETIC: Ellen delves into Bobby’s psyche. She tries to draw William to the surface. But Bobby resists. He tells her that he never liked William. “He’s always in a bad mood.”

50. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from the police. They have tracked down Jason’s sister. They transfer the call to him. The sister tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

51. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

MANIPULATIVE: Ellen asks Bobby if he will let Jason speak to his sister. Bobby reluctantly agrees, and when Jason is heard, Ellen puts the sister on air to speak with him.

SYMPATHETIC: Ellen listens to the sister plead with Jason to stop, tormenting Ellen’s conflicted emotions. But when the sister cannot convince Jason to stop, Ellen delves deeper into Jason’s psychosis to draw out William.

52. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The department alerts Sorenson they may have a lead on Jason’s location, but they need time.

53. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

ARC/POWERFUL: William reveals himself to Ellen, but Ellen hesitates. This is her point of no return. Once she engages William, there is no going back. William inquires again. Ellen engages him. “Hello, William.”

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 2

54. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson gets the call. They have a fix on Jason. Units are on the way.

55. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

ARC/POWERFUL: Ellen doctors William. Does he understand the situation? Does he understand what Ryan has done?

56. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

SWAT and the police race across the bridge. VOICEOVER of Ellen speaking to William is heard.

57. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

SYMPATHETIC/POWERFUL: Anguished by the harm she’s causing, Ellen still persists. She presses William hard. Does he want the death of her children on his conscience? She implores William that the only way for him to stop this madness is for him to kill Ryan, which means killing himself.

58. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team getting ready.

59. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

POWERFUL: William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she continues with tears running, torturing herself as she sacrifices her humanity to save her daughters

CRISIS: VIOLENT: Ryan intercedes, realizing what Ellen is attempting. He threatens to kill one daughter – now!

POWERFUL: Ellen confronts Ryan hard, pitting the two personalities against each other. She pushes William to find the strength to do what he must. The two personalities fight for dominance, the gun in hand.

60. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. The clock is ticking. Sorensen yells they’re out of time.

61. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

POWERFUL: Ellen in full psychiatric mode.

VIOLENT: The two personalities fight like two people in an argument. Ellen pushes William to stop Ryan. To save her daughters!

62. EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – DAY

The SWAT team swarms the building.

63. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

CLIMAX: William pleads for Ellen to stop.

HOPEFUL/POWERFUL: Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names, pressing harder.

VIOLENT: The personalities go back and forth, William then Ryan until – the gun goes off!

ANXIOUS/HOPEFUL: Ellen jumps from her chair. Nothing. Silence. She stares at everything and nothing. Everyone holds their breathes. She hears SWAT kick the door. Lots of noise and confusion. The call drops. Ellen is unable to breathe.

Moments hang like minutes. Sorenson bursts in. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe.

CHARACTER ARC: Ellen collapses, sobbing. “What have I done? What have I done?”

Sorenson: “What you had to do.”

64. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen to a waiting car.

65. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

66. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

67. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Back at the station, Sorenson receives a call from a local physician. He tells Sorenson that Jason was being held for 10-day observation at his clinic under a different name and that he was only released that morning. How could he have planned the kidnapping while he was being held for observation?

Sorenson confirms the physician’s story and realizes Ryan was not one of Jason’s personalities. He was a different person all along, running a sadistic game against Ellen.

68. CUT TO BLACK

VOICEOVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Ellen.

69. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICEOVER: The host discusses the aftermath of Ellen’s misery. The first caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Translated Characters

What I learned from this assignment:

When my protagonist first engages the kidnapper and learns her family has been kidnapped, I had to reconsider how she would respond given her character traits. Consequently, I changed her character traits during this assignment.

Situation: Ellen takes a call from Ryan, Jason’s violent personality, who reveals that he has kidnapped her husband and daughters.

Character Name: Ellen Landry

Role in story: Protagonist/Psychiatrist

Age Range and Description: She’s in her mid-30’s and petite. If not for raven black hair dusting her shoulders, one could imagine her fluttering over Disneyland sprinkling pixie dust.

What would a __________ person do or say?

Empathetic/Caring

Promises to help and treat the kidnapper if he surrenders

Engages with the kidnapper to understand his motives

Hopeful

Ask to speak with her husband/daughters

Appeals to kidnapper’s humanity

Reveals her personal information

Ambitious

Uses the situation to improve her ratings

Challenges the kidnapper, dismissing his threat

Tries to stop the show from broadcasting

Anxious

Allows the kidnapper to manipulate and control the situation

Begs for the lives of her family

Emotional breakdown and refuses to continue

Calls the kidnapper horrible names in a burst of enraged anger

Want/Need: save her family / use psychiatric training to stop the kidnapper/killer

Delves into the kidnapper’s life

Diagnoses kidnapper’s pathology

Tries to engage kidnapper’s other personalities

Paradoxes (Warring elements) – Polite and reserved in person, but makes sarcastic remarks in private revealing inner courage

Makes sarcastic remarks in the heat of the moment that she regrets

Makes sarcastic remarks to appease the kidnapper

Makes sarcastic remarks about her marriage/family

Secret: mother was diagnosed schizophrenic and institutionalized

Confesses and discusses her feelings about her mother’s illness

Denies her feelings about her secrets after kidnapper reveals them

Admits by saving her patients she is saving her mother

Flaw: struggles in one-on-one therapy sessions with patients

Admits to her feelings of inadequateness not helping her patients

Admits her patients left because their therapy was going nowhere

Admits she went into radio because her practice was going under

Special: Academically brilliant

She sites Freud and Jung

Debates issues of psychological theory

Character Logline: Ellen is a talk radio psychiatrist forced to play a dangers game of life and death on-air to save her kidnapped family from a psychotic ex-patient

Asks the kidnapper about his plan

Keeps kidnapper engaged hoping the police will find her family

Character 2 Name: Ryan (Violent personality)

Role in Story: Antagonist/Kidnapper

Age Range and Description: Never seen

What would a __________ person do or say?

Polite

Constantly asks Ellen about her feelings

Uses language that is refined, never vulgar

Engages like a friend or polite stranger

Calculating

Discusses Ellen’s schizophrenic mother and failure to help her

Exposes Ellen’s failure as a practicing psychiatrist to help her patients

Delves into Ellen’s family life and sex life with her husband

Discusses her daughters’ school and teachers and sex

Violent

Threatens to kill husband in various methods to torture Ellen

Talks about violating her daughters

He lashes out when his control is threatened

Sinister

Constantly lies

Changes subject to waste time

Invents a psychological condition to get on the show

Invents a fake family, mimicking Ellen’s life

Want/Need: Torment Ellen publicly / Feed his sociopathic appetite

Keeps mentioning the time running out

“Tick tock, Ellen. Tick tock.”

Talks about which member of her family to kill

Paradoxes: Shows empathy for victims the more he tortures them

Cynically apologetic toward Ellen’s fears

Talks about Ellen’s marriage and children

Understands how difficult it is to balance marriage and career

Secret: He’s a separate person

Tells Ellen he’s an entirely separate person in a way not to be believed

Plays along that he is one of Jason’s personalities

Talks about the other personalities and their weaknesses

Flaw: Sociopathic killer

Laughs at his own jokes

Confesses to other crimes

Gets angry when challenged

Unique/Special: Highly intelligent

Takes on the role of the psychiatrist and embraces psychological jargon

He quotes Shakespeare and the great philosophers

Character Subtext: Ryan threatens Ellen’s family

for her to reveal details of her past to entertain the audience.

Inquire about Ellen’s daughters in a way a friend or polite stranger would do to engage in conversation.

Character Logline: Ryan masterminds the kidnapping of Ellen Landry’s family and threatens to kill them on-air to feed his sociopathic appetite.

Explains how he kidnapper her family

Teases the cops listening to the show

Makes remarks about the dead Uber driver

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Character Chemistry

What I learned from this assignment:

This assignment forced me to consider the relationships between each character, including the multiple personalities of Jason and how each would interact with Ellen.

Character names and roles as couples

Protagonist/Antagonist

1. Ellen Landry and Jason (multiple personalities: Ryan / Bobby / William)

2. Protagonist/Supporting Character 1 – Ellen Landry and Det. Sorenson

3. Protagonist/Supporting Character 2 – Ellen Landry and Pete

4. Protagonist/Supporting Character 3 – Ellen Landry and Claire

Express each relationship

1. Playing the same game / Competing agendas –

a. Ellen and Jason (caller)

Ellen is Jason’s previous psychiatrist who originally treated his disorder; Jason wants to excise his violent personality, but resists help due to fear.

b. Ellen and Ryan (Jason’s violent personality)

Ryan has kidnapped Ellen’s family and is intent on killing them; Ellen uses all her psychiatric training to dissuade him from harming her family.

c. Ellen and Bobby (Jason’s protective personality)

Bobby has a 12-year-old mentality, and although he remembers and likes Ellen, he is too frightened of Ryan to help save her daughters and won’t let her talk to William.

d. Ellen and William (Jason’s manic-depressive personality)

William is a suicidal personality that Ellen draws out hoping to push him to commit suicide to save her daughters.

2. Common Ground –

a. Ellen and Det Sorenson

Ellen is preventing her family from being killed; Sorenson is trying to find the kidnapper.

b. Ellen and Claire

Ellen and her producer both want the success of the radio show

3. Differences that create conflict –

a. Ellen and Pete

Ellen is struggling with her ratings; Pete is the station manager concerned with the ratings and considering replacing Ellen’s show.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Character Arc

What I learned from this assignment:

I developed the general character arcs during the outlining phase, but this method helped he focus on the main character’s arc by excluding the other characters and events.

1. The Issue:

Ellen is a young psychiatrist struggling as a talk radio host. She has a desire to help people but avoids confrontation, preferring to be liked by her callers, which has impacted her ratings.

In her first scene, Ellen’s husband calls to asks is she can pick up their children after school due to a conflict with his work. She reminds him they agreed to a schedule and tries to hold him to it by explaining her responsibilities at work. He belittles her career, putting his work first, to which she objects. But she still accommodates his request to avoid the argument – while making faces at him.

2. Escalating events:

Challenge 1: In the meeting with her station manager, Ellen receives the news about her low ratings and reasons why.

Challenge 2: Ellen has an emotional moment with her producer, Claire, confessing her fears. She knows the problems, but she can’t seem to break her pattern. Claire tries to build up Ellen’s confidence for her show.

Challenge 3: During Ellen’s first call, she falls into her pattern, pleasing the caller rather than confronting the behavior. Ellen watches the station manager leave the control booth disappointed.

Challenge 4: Ellen receives a call from Jason who suffers with dissociative identity disorder. When she realizes Jason is her ex-patient, she explains taking his call would be inappropriate due to their past relationship – avoiding conflict again. But when Jason screams at her not to disconnect him, Ellen accommodates him and is forced to listen to Jason threaten her family.

Challenge 5: Ellen engages Ryan – Jason’s alternate personality who has kidnapped Ellen’s husband and two daughters. She pleads with him to harm her family, feeding his sociopathic cravings – accommodating his needs – until the moment he kills her husband on-air.

Challenge 6: Ellen engages Bobby – Jason’s protective personality – after her husband’s murder. She encourages Bobby to help her daughters, but when he refuses due to his fear, she tries to draw out William, a manic-depressive personality. She starts to confront her patient.

Challenge 7: Ellen puts Jason’s sister on-air to her plead with her brother to stop. She breaks down listening to their conversation, becoming more conflicted about her intentions to draw out William. Accommodating the sister vs. confronting her patient.

Challenge 8: When the sister fails, Ellen pushes to draw out the William personality. She is now in direct conflict with her patient but not yet fully committed to the result.

3. The transformation:

Ellen exposes the William personality, but when he refuses to help, she provokes his depression and pushes him toward suicide to save her daughters. The Ryan personality intervenes to stop Ellen, and she confronts Ryan hard, pitting the two personalities against each other until we hear a revolver fire. The William personality has killed himself. Ellen has saved her daughters.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana Characters Live

What I learned from this assignment:

My characters are coming to life, but this is their beginning and time will determine what and who they eventually become.

FADE IN:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – AERIAL SHOT – MID-MORNING

The Bay Bridge. Monday morning traffic is heavy into the city. We HEAR a local talk show on radio.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

(Fill in later)

ZOOM toward a silver Mercedes SUV in traffic.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

(Fill in later)

CLOSE on the SUV crawling across the bridge.

RADIO HOST (V.O.)

(Fill in later)

INT./EXT. MERCEDES SUV – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

ELLEN LANDRY behind the wheel with her seat pulled all the way forward to reach the pedals. She’s in her mid-30’s, and if not for raven black hair dusting her shoulders, one could imagine her fluttering over Disneyland sprinkling pixie dust.

She drives one hand on the wheel, the other wrapped around a Starbucks venti, half-sweat, non-fat, caramel macchiatio. The drink looks too big for her hand.

RADIO HOST (CONT’D)

We’ll be back to the Eric Rollins Show after these messages. And stay tuned later for Dr. Ellen Landry, psychiatrist du jour, right here on KZFO, AM dial 1360, San Francisco.

ELLEN

If I ever get there…

Ellen puffs her cheeks with a frustrated sign.

Her CELL PHONE RINGS. Ellen slips her Starbucks into the cup holder and pressed the call button on her steering wheel. The radio cuts out and ROGER LANDRY’S VOICE fills the car through the speakers.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Hi, honey. What’s up?

ROGER

My car won’t start.

ELLEN

What? You had it in the shop last week. What’s wrong with it?

ROGER

(frustration)

Who knows? Starter. Alternator. It just won’t start, and I have to get the girls to school. I ordered Uber and got lucky. There was a driver around the corner from us. He’s almost here.

(beat)

But…

ELLEN

What?

ROGER

I need you to pick the girls up after school.

ELLEN

Honey, I can’t. I have my station manager’s meeting this afternoon.

ROGER

Samantha just remembered today is a short day. And Dean Rogers wants to talk with me about my tenure track. I can’t blow him off.

ELLEN

Pete wants to go over the ratings report with me. This report could make or break my show.

ROGER

Wouldn’t that be a shame?

ELLEN

That’s not fair. That’s not fair.

ROGER

I’m sorry, babe. Look — you know I respect what you do…

Ellen rolls her eyes.

ROGER (CONT’D)

(sighs; frustrated)

…but this isn’t my tenure. It’s our tenure. And if I don’t get it, I’m terminal. And not just here at Berkeley, but at all the UC’s. I could use your support here.

Ellen grumbles and sighs a heavy sigh, blowing air.

ELLEN

You know how I’d diagnosis your behavior if you were my patient, don’t you?

ROGER

I love you.

ELLEN

You’d better — but don’t push it.

(beat)

Okay. Tell the girls I’ll pick them up. And I’ll reschedule with Pete.

ROGER

Thanks, babe. I owe you — There’s Uber. We gotta go. See you tonight.

The call ends. Ellen picks up her coffee. The RADIO fades back on. It’s a COMMERCIAL for a pharmaceutical.

Her CELL PHONE RINGS AGAIN. This time, Ellen keeps drinking her coffee.

ELLEN

Hello?

CLAIRE (O.S.)

(panicked)

Where are you?

ELLEN

I’m getting off the bridge. Why?

CLAIRE (O.S.)

You’re missing the meeting?

ELLEN

What? What meeting?

CLAIRE (O.S.)

The station manager’s meeting with the talent! Pete’s going over the ratings.

ELLEN

(worried)

That’s not until this afternoon.

CLAIRE (O.S.)

It got moved. Pete sent the e-mail last Thursday. Didn’t you get it? You’re thirty minutes late!

ELLEN

(panicked)

OH, SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT.

CLAIRE (O.S.)

Just – GET HERE!

The call drops.

Ellen glances up. Her eyes go wide at something in the road. She hits the brakes, the SUV jolts. The lid on the cup pops, and coffee splatters on her white skirt.

ELLEN

Ohh — darn it! Darn it!

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Dueling Agendas

What I learned from this assignment:

I love writing dialogue. And this assignment gave voice to my characters for the first time. I was able to hear the fear in my antagonist and hear my protagonist confused, troubled response. I’d been describing their action/reaction narrative in my outline, but writing this scene established the emotional tone for their eventual conflict.

Character Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: caring, ambitious, vulnerable, fearful

Subtext: intimidated, manipulative

Character Name: Jason/Ryan

Traits: Jason – frightened, childlike; Ryan – calculating, violent

Subtext: Jason – Intimidated; Ryan – Devious

Situation: Inciting Incident – First call between Jason and Ellen.

High Speed Outline

INT. CONTROL BOOTH/ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

BEGINNING: Claire, the show’s producer, takes a call from Jason. He has trouble expressing his reason for calling. She considers hanging up until he explains he’s having problems with his other personality.

MIDDLE: Ellen takes Jason’s call, but he’s reluctant to speak. Ellen draws him out gradually, but soon realizes he’s an old patient. She decides not to continue the call because of their past association, but Jason yells at her not to disconnect the call. She doesn’t. He tells her there is someone else with him, and when Ellen presses to know who, Jason warns her that the person has taken her family and that he intends to hurt them.

END: Stunned, Ellen presses Jason to explain, but before Jason can answer, he scuffles with someone. Ellen tries to listen, but the call goes dead. Ellen looks to her producer in disbelief, unsure what just happened, and she goes to break.

SCENE:

INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Claire screens a call.

CLAIRE

This is the Dr. Ellen Show. How can the doctor help you today?

BREATHING on the other end, like someone trying not to cry.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)

Hello? Can you hear me? You’ve reached —

JASON

(weak, whimpered)

Hello…

CLAIRE

What’s you’re name?

JASON

Jason.

Jason is very soft, weak voiced, almost afraid to talk.

CLAIRE

Hello, Jason. How can Dr. Ellen help you today?

JASON

I need to speak with Dr. Ellen.

CLAIRE

What seems to be your problem?

JASON

(almost crying)

I have a problem. And I need to speak to Dr. Ellen.

Claire’s finger touches the disconnect button on the console panel.

CLAIRE

If you can’t be more specific —

JASON

I’m having trouble with my other personality. I need Dr. Ellen.

Claire hesitates, uncertain.

CLAIRE

Okay. Hold for just a moment. I’ll put you through next.

Claire presses the hold button on the console.

INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is finishing up with her last caller.

ELLEN

Sandy, you and your husband have every right to celebrate your anniversary alone. It’s your marriage, not you, your husband and his mother. But he needs to be the one who establishes the boundaries with her. Otherwise, your mother-in-law will be in the hot tub with you at Sandals every anniversary.

SANDY

(on air)

I wish you could tell him that.

ELLEN

You can do it, Sandy. Just sit him down and tell him how you feel.

SANDY

I’ll try. Thank you, Dr. Ellen.

ELLEN

Good luck, Sandy.

(to Claire)

Claire? Who’s are next caller?

CLAIRE

(on air)

Dr. Ellen. We have Jason on the line. And he has another person in his life causing him grief.

Ellen looks quizzically through the glass at Claire, not understanding the explanation. Claire shrugs her shoulders.

Ellen presses the line on the control box and takes the call.

ELLEN

Hello, Jason. This is Dr. Ellen. How can I help you today?

JASON

(nervous)

Dr. Ellen? This is Jason…

Ellen listens, expecting more.

ELLEN

Yes, Jason. And what seems to be the problem?

JASON

You have to help me. I didn’t want to call you. He’s making me do it.

Ellen looks to Claire. They’re both perplexed.

ELLEN

Who’s making you, Jason? Is there someone there with you.

JASON

Yes.

ELLEN

Who is it?

JASON

He won’t let me tell you.

Ellen looks to Claire again. Both now worried. This call isn’t going well.

ELLEN

Will your friend speak with me?

JASON

No.

ELLEN

Why won’t he?

JASON

Dr. Ellen? This is Jason…

Ellen suddenly recognizes the man.

ELLEN

Jason? Are you one of my old patients?

JASON

Yes…

Ellen gives Claire an “oh shit” look.

ELLEN

Jason. I don’t think it would be appropriate for us to continue our conversation at this time. If you give my producer your phone number, I’ll be glad to call you —

JASON

(pleading, angry)

DON’T HANG UP ON ME!

Ellen jumps back in her seat. Claire is stunned.

ELLEN

Jason, I can’t counsel you over the phone.

JASON

If you hang up, he’ll hurt one of them.

ELLEN

One of who, Jason?

Long beat. Nothing. Jason BREATHING.

ELLEN (CONT’D)

Jason? Who is he going to hurt? Can you tell me?

JASON

Your family.

(crying)

He’s going to hurt your family. He has them.

Stunned, Ellen shoots disbelieving look to Claire.

ELLEN

My family? Who has my family, Jason?

JASON

He won’t let me tell you. He says if you don’t help me, he’s going to hurt one of them. You have to help me!

Ellen and Claire cast disbelieving glances at each other. Before Ellen can respond.

JASON (CONT’D)

(to another person)

No! I won’t do this! You can’t make me! You can’t MAKE ME!

(beat)

No! No…!

SCUFFLING on air. Jason fighting with someone. FEET SCUFFLING ACROSS A CEMENT FLOOR.

Ellen listens intently, trying to hear. She can’t understand what she’s listening to through her headphones.

JASON (CONT’D)

No. NO!

The line goes dead.

Ellen looks at Claire. She can’t believe what just happened, either.

Claire realizes they had dead air and signals Ellen.

ELLEN

(into microphone)

Maybe this would be a good place to take a break. We’ll be right back.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Solved Structural Problems

What have I learned from this assignment?

Reading the script, I found structural problems and scene that were out of place. Moving them forward in the script or completely deleting them heightened my characters’ motivations and their conflict. Not only protagonist vs. antagonist, but also antagonist vs. antagonist and protagonist vs. protagonist.

Structural Changes

1. I moved the security deposit scene where Jack retrieves his weapons and the meeting location between him and Frank to a bar to emphasis their lack of regard for the parole rules.

2. I added a love scene between Frank and Oksana before Act 3 where Oksana was originally introduced, adding depth to their relationship.

3. I moved the first meeting between Simon and Hill to Act 2 after Hill kills a witness, creating greater tension between the two men.

4. I deleted the scene between Jack and his first lawyer discussing the old case and simply mention the lawyers lack of cooperation in another scene with Calvin Brown, the civil attorney.

5. I deleted a scene showing Jorgensen, the parole officer, hiring the thugs to kill Frank.

6. I added a short scene revealing Hill and Jorgensen sitting in a car watching the thugs trying to kill Frank, demonstrating the connection between the men.

Act 1:

Opening/Old Ways: Frank Valentino and Jack Donovan are paroled from prison and confront their harsh realities. Their families and careers as cops are gone. They’re two ex-cons adjusting to being out.

Inciting Incident: Jack reveals to Frank his obsession to dig into the past and right the wrongs done to him and his old partner. But Frank refuses and leaves Jack to investigate on his own.

Turning Point: Douglas Hill hires street thugs to kill Frank not knowing Frank was planning to flee the state. By trying to kill Frank, Hill inadvertently pushes Frank to the journey, helping Jack find the man responsible for framing them.

Act 2:

New Plan: After questioning one of the thugs who tried to kill Frank, Jack and Frank decide to go after Jorgensen and work their way up the chain, witness by witness.

Plan in action: Jack and Frank break into Jorgensen’s home when he’s in bed with a hooker/drug dealer and threaten to kill him. They leave him and the hooker tied up for the cops to find with the drugs in the room.

Midpoint Turning Point: Jack and Frank find a witness tortured and murdered, but the cops arrive before they get away clean. They escape after a car chase, but they’re now wanted for the murder of the witness. They turn to Oksana, the head of the Russian mob, for help.

Act 3:

React/Rethink: Oksana suggests to Jack and Frank that, in trying to learn who framed them, they forgot to ask about the victim. Who was he? Why was he killed? They decide to delve into the victim’s life.

New Plan: Jack and Frank start their investigation at the cemetery where the victim is buried. The cemetery manager tells them about the family from his files. The find the birth mother buried next to the victim and decide and to seek out the adoptive mother.

Turning Point: Oksana contacts Frank. She tells him that Jack’s daughter has been grabbed by Hill.

Act 4:

Dilemma: Hill contacts Jack to arrange an exchange. He’ll trade his daughter for Jack and Frank – her life for theirs – plus the missing hard drive video exposing Hill’s involvement in the murders. They agree to the exchange.

Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict: Jack and Frank are held hostage, waiting for Hill’s men to confirm the authenticity of the hard drive. But the hard drive is booby trapped and explodes, allowing Jack and Frank to escape into an abandoned steel mill.

They split up and engage Hill and his men in a shootout. Frank is killed, and Jack faces death at the hands of Hill and Simon. But Simon suddenly kills Hill in retaliation for things Hill has done. Simon makes a new deal with Jack.

Resolution: Frank’s body is taken to Oksana, who agrees to give him a Russian funereal. Jack leaves with Simon, who agrees to helps him escape to Mexico, which was Frank’s plan. Hill’s death is made look like a suicide to protect Jack. The governor is dropped from contention as a vice presidential candidate. And the person who hired Simon to kill the first victim escapes – maybe.

Oksana meets with a reporter and hands him the missing hard drive with the video showing Hill – the governor’s head of security – involved in the murder.

New Ways: Jack finally learns who killed the original victim and sent him to prison, but it doesn’t change his life for the better. Frank is dead, the murderer goes free, and his daughter never learns that he is her father. Jack has to flee the country to remain free.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Filled in Missing Scene

What have I learned from this assignment?

I only added one new scene to introduce a main character earlier in the story. But I deleted a placeholder scene I realized I didn’t need.

ADDED SCENE: Frank arrives at his halfway house and finds Oksana Volkov waiting for him. This scene introduces Oksana and reveals their physical relationship and alludes to their business relationship, which is fully revealed in Act 3.

EXT. HALFWAY HOUSE – EVENING

Frank steps off the bus and heads for the halfway house. He stops, recognizing a Lincoln town car parked at the curb and the Russian driver standing next to it. He looks to his window.

INT. FRANK’S ROOM – EVENING

BEGINNING: Frank enters to find Oksana Volkov stretched out in his bed waiting for him. She entices him until he surrenders.

MIDDLE: After they make love, Oksana is dressing. Frank still lays in bed. Oksana tries to lure him into her service, but Frank politely refuses. But she knows, he’ll come to her eventually.

END: Oksana leaves. Frank steps t the window to watch her and her two bodyguards climb into the Lincoln and drive off.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Subtext and Loglines

What I learned from this assignment:

Creating subtext added a darker side to my characters that helped me explore the psychological conflict between them.

Character Name: Ellen Landry

Traits: caring, ambitious, vulnerable, fearful

Subtext: intimidated, manipulative

Character Logline: Ellen is a talk radio psychiatrist forced to play a dangerous game of life and death on air to save her kidnapped family from an ex-patient.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Ellen fears if she says the wrong thing her patient will harm her family; she manipulates her patient into committing suicide to save her family.

Character Name: Jason/Ryan

Traits: Jason – frightened, childlike; Ryan – calculating, violent

Subtext: Jason – Intimidated; Ryan – Devious

Character Logline: Jason suffers from dissociative identity disorder (DID) who’s violent personality, Ryan, kidnaps and threatens Ellen’s family to satiate his sociopathic appetite.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Jason is too intimidated and frightened by his violent personality to stop him; Ryan blackmails Ellen into revealing details of her tortured past for the on-air audience.

Character Name: Detective Sorenson

Traits: controlling, cynical, confident, compassionate

Subtext: Clandestine, diplomatic

Character Logline: Sorenson is the detective assigned to lead the investigation who must steady Ellen and keep her engaged with her patient to save her family.

Possible Areas of Subtext: Sorenson conducts the investigation outside of Ellen’s purview to shield her; he encourages Ellen to engage her patient even after he kills her husband.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Characters

What I learned from this assignment:

Creating these profiles gave me a better understanding of my characters, and given that I’m writing a psychological thriller, developing layers to their personalities this way will add depth and suspense to my story I did not consider during the outlining module. These profiles are not complete, and they will certainly change as I learn more about my characters.

Character Name: Ellen Landry

1. Basic character traits:

· caring

· ambitious

· vulnerable

· fearful

2. Want/Need

· wants to rescue her family

· needs confidence as a psychiatrist

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

· academic excellence, but struggles in real world applications

4. Secret:

· her mother was diagnosed schizophrenic and institutionalized

5. Flaw:

· the guilt she feels about not saving her mother

6. Special:

Unknown at this time

Character Name: Jason/Ryan

1. Basic character traits:

– Jason personality

· frightened

· childlike

· trusting

– Ryan personality

· calculating

· violent

· sinister

2. Want/Need

– Jason

· wants to be at peace

· needs to excise his violent personality

– Ryan

· wants to torment Ellen on her radio show

· needs to satiate his sociopathic appetite

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

· one personality likes Ellen Landry

· the other personality wants to kill her family

4. Secret:

· Ryan is a separate person

5. Flaw:

· suffers from dissociative identity disorder (DID)

6. Special:

· homeless, living on the street for years, was a genius student

Character Name: Det. Sorenson

1. Basic character traits:

· over-confident

· cynical

· controlling

· compassionate

2. Want/Need

· wants to find Jason

· needs to relinquish control

3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)

· tough as nails but emotional in private

4. Secret:

Unknown at this time

5. Flaw:

· Impatient with other’s failure and incompetence

6. Special:

· empathy toward victims

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Act 4 Resolution

What have I learned from this assignment?

Once I completed the Climax, the resolution wrote itself. Had been planning the resolution from the beginning of the script, but the emotional twist, the love interest between one of the main characters and a character from the subplot was a surprise to me by the end.

Outline Key Scene 4: Resolution

BEGINNING: Jack and Simon take Frank’s body back to the Russian Social Club for Oksana to bury him. She agrees to give him a full Russian wake. Her feelings for him are reserved, but she’s heartbroken in her own way. She provides Jack with a passport and money to help him run, and then Jack and Simon leave together. Strange bedfellows.

MIDDLE: The governor gives a press conference at which he informs the media of his sorrow for the apparent suicide of Douglas Hill, found dead that morning. He pledges more for suicide prevention. But he refuses to answer the question as to whether the Donovan-Valentino scandal is the reason why he was passes over for the vice-presidential nomination.

END: Oksana, sitting at her table in the Russian Social Club, invites a reporter to join her. They discuss the Donovan-Valentino investigation the reporter is writing about for his paper. At the end of their conversation, Oksana places the missing hard drive on the table and offers it to the reporter. She suggests the hard drive will provide a new perspective for his reports and simply smiles.

Key Scene 4: Resolution – Wrap it up and show us the new normal.

INT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – NIGHT

CLOSE SHOT OF FRANK

His body laying on a bench, at peace. A gentle woman’s hand brushes a hair off his forehead.

OKSANA (O.S.)

Pupsick.

Oksana gazes down at Frank, sorrowed and tearful, but stiff upper lip.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

(in Russian)

Give rest, to thy servants with thy saints.

Oksana looks to Jack, standing across from her, and Simon a few feet behind. Her men are scattered through the club.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

We’ll give him a good Russian wake.

JACK

He’d like that.

Oksana looks past Jack at Simon.

OKSANA

Strange bedfellow.

JACK

He did for Frank.

Oksana nods her understanding. She signals her men to cover Frank with a sheet. She leads Jack to a table where a bottle of Russo-Baltique Vodka and two shot glasses sit. She pours two glasses and hands one to Frank.

OKSANA

And your friend?

Frank looks to Simon. Simon politely declines.

Oksana lifts her glass.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Frank Valentino. A good friend.

They touch glasses and down the vodka.

Oksana unzips a small travel bag and hands Frank a passport.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

The man who owned this doesn’t need it any more. And Mexican officials don’t check. But you should still grow your hair.

(handing him the bag)

Twenty thousand should get you to where you’re going.

Oksana and Jack share a silent moment, a last goodbye. Oksana kisses him on both cheeks.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Goodbye, Jack Donovan.

Jack nods, looks to Simon, and they both leave.

Oksana watches them leave.

EXT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – ALLEY – CONTINUOUS

Simon’s Mercedes is parked in back. Two Russians are guarding the car.

Simon and Frank leave through the back door. The Russians act like valets, holding the car doors open for them to get in.

INT./EXT. MERCEDES – CONTINUOUS

Simon starts the car. He looks to Jack. Jack nods, he’s ready to leave. The car drives off.

EXT. MERCEDES – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

Frank stares out the window, leaving his life behind.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM – DAY

Newbaum is at the podium. Margery stands behind him, stoic.

NEWBAUM

My wife and I were devastated by the tragic news of Douglas Hill’s death this morning. Douglas was a valuable member of my staff and an even a better friend. He will be missed.

REPORTER 1

Has the investigation ruled out foul play?

NEWBAUM

The pathologist report is pending, but preliminary indications suggest Douglas took his own life with a single gunshot to the head.

REPORTER 2

Did he leave a note?

NEWBAUM

Not that I am aware of, no.

REPORTER 3

Did he ever show any symptoms of depression?

NEWBAUM

Douglas never showed any signs of depression around me or Margery. But that doesn’t mean he wasn’t suffering.

Newbaum fakes sorrow for a moment, dabbing fake tears.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)

I feel somehow responsible for not recognizing my friend’s pain. And we owe it to his memory to do more in the arena of suicide prevention and depression. In light of these terrible events, my office pledges to work with law makers to increase our state’s mental health budget.

REPORTER 4

Douglas Hill was working with local law enforcement in the manhunt for Jack Donovan and Frank Valentino. Can you tell us of any progress in the investigation?

INT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – DAY

TELEVISION ABOVE THE BAR

Newbaum’s press conference is playing on the TV.

NEWBAUM

(on television)

The search is still on going. But I assure you — these two men will be brought to justice. Douglas would have wanted that.

REPORTER 5

Do you feel the Donovan-Valentino scandal was the reason you were passed over for the vice president nomination in favor of Senator Baker?

Oksana, sitting at her usual table sipping her tea, raises a single eyebrow of satisfaction.

NEWBAUM

(on television)

Thank you for coming.

Newbaum leaves the stage. The report flips back to the anchor in the studio.

ANCHOR

(on television)

That was the governor from earlier this morning…

Oksana’s attention is distracted to someone else.

JERRY COLLINS, 50’s, glasses, frumpy suite, the typical news reporter, stands near the front door. A Russian stands next to him waiting for Oksana’s permission to let Jerry enter.

Oksana nods and signals the bar tender to turn off the TV. He snaps it off.

Jerry approaches Oksana’s table. He has a nervous curiosity to him. He’s not quite sure why he’s there.

JERRY

Ms. Volkov.

OKSANA

Hello, Mr. Collins. It was good of you to come. Please, sit down.

Jerry sits opposite Oksana.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

May I call you Jerry?

JERRY

Please, do. But have to I admit, I’m a little nervous being here.

OKSANA

And yet, you came anyway.

JERRY

Curiosity.

Oksana smiles, spider to the fly.

OKSANA

Would you care for some tea?

JERRY

No, thank you.

Oksana refreshes her tea from the pot.

OKSANA

You’ve been reporting on the Jack Donovan and Frank Valentino investigation for your paper. Is that correct?

JERRY

Yes.

OKSANA

You’ve been rather — how shall I say it — heavy handed in your reporting against these two men.

JERRY

I’ve been factual in my reports.

OKSANA

Factual, yes. But perspective is also important. Wouldn’t you agree?

JERRY

(a little wary)

Yes.

OKSANA

I’m going to do you a favor, Mr. Collins — Jerry.

JERRY

What sort of favor?

OKSANA

A favor of perspective.

Oksana nods to one of the Russians at the bar, and he steps to the table. He waits for Oksana’s go ahead, and when she nods again, he holds up a hard drive for Jerry to see.

He places the hard drive on the table.

Jerry looks at the hard drive, then to Oksana, quizzically.

Oksana holds her cup up tea with both hands and looks over the brim at Jerry. She smiles and takes a sip.

FADE OUT:

[Dana Abbott]

<div>Dana’s Act 4 Climax
</div><div>

What have I learned from this assignment?

</div>

I envisioned the climax when I finished Scene 2, but this assignment forced me to take the final scene to the next level to be believable and avoid the clichéd ending.

Outline Key Scene 3: Climax

BEGINNING: Jack and Frank are being held by Hill and his team at the trailer. Both are handcuffed and seated facing each other. They meet Simon for the first time. Hill introduces them, very cocky, and tells them Simon killed Marcus Jones. Simon explains the whole plot with Hill’s help.

MIDDLE: Loam plugs the hard drive into the computer and tries to decrypt the files while Hill talks with Jack and Frank. Loam complains that he can’t decrypt the hard drive, noticing it gets hotter and hotter until the C-4 Frank put inside explodes. In the confusion, Jack and Frank jump through the glass window and escape into the steel mill, heading in separate directions.

END: Hill and his team chase after them to kill them. Jack and Frank, free from their handcuffs, stalk Hill and his team and kill them off one by one. Hill shoots and kills Frank and wounds Jack. Jack is holding Frank in his arms with Hill standing over them. Hill tells Simon to earn his keep and finish the job. Simon shoots hill explaining that he was hired to clean up a mess. And Hill was the mess.

Key Scene 3: Climax – The Ultimate Expression of the Conflict

INT. TRAILER OFFICE – NIGHT

Jack and Frank are handcuffed and seated facing each other in the middle of the room.

Loam watches over them with an automatic weapon, but he’s more bark than bite.

Bosch is seated at the computer on the desk. Hill stands over him. Bosch is connecting the hard drive to the computer with a cable.

HILL

You sure you can do this?

BOSCH

It’ll take a few minutes.

HILL

Let me know.

Hill spins toward Jack and Frank and walks toward them. He’s in total control and is relishing the moment.

HILL (CONT’D)

I gotta admit, fellas. I didn’t think you had it in you. Torture? The technician I understand. Why not? He fucked you at trial. But the wife? That’s fucked up.

FRANK

Who the hell is he?

Simon sits on the sofa, relaxed.

HILL

Oh, right. You haven’t been properly introduced. Well, let me do the honors.

(stepping to Simon)

This is Mr. Simon. Or is it just Simon? It doesn’t matter. He’s the reason you went to prison. He’s the one who killed Marcus Jones.

Jack and Frank leer at Simon. Simon remains stoic.

HILL (CONT’D)

Jones was supposed to be killed during the protest and found on the street. But we missed our opportunity. Jones spotted us and ran — right into you. He smashed out your windshield to get himself arrested. I guess he thought he’d be safer in jail.

Simon isn’t pleased with Hill.

SIMON

That’s right, Mr. Hill. Let’s tell them everything.

HILL

What difference does it make now? They won’t be telling anyone. And a man has the right to know why he’s going to die.

JACK

How’d you get to Jones?

HILL

I loaned Mr. Simon my old blues. And with my cousin’s security card, he was just another cop walking into the station. Of course, he couldn’t just shoot Jones. All that noise. But that’s where Mr. Simon’s specialty comes in. He’s an expert with that kung fu crap. A couple of well-placed blows was all it took. Mr. Simon was in and out of that cell inside sixty seconds. It was dumb luck Jones was —

(to Simon)

— what do you call it again?

SIMON

Hemophiliac.

HILL

Right. Hemophiliac. Jones bled out faster than anticipated. We had an ex-con ready to take the fall. But when the pathologist miscalculated the time of the beating, we had to go to plan B.

JACK

Only you forgot to dismantle one of the cameras.

HILL

That was my bad. The hard drive got logged into evidence before I could get my hands on it.

JACK

And the technician?

HILL

We offered him a hundred grand. He demanded two. He could have asked for five.

JACK

He erased you from the hard drive and put it back into evidence.

HILL

He put a copy back into evidence. The son-of-a-bitch kept the original. He leveraged it to protect himself. And we couldn’t touch him for fear he made copies.

(grinning)

He just didn’t figure on the two of you.

Bosch at the computer growing frustrated.

BOSCH

This thing is encrypted.

HILL

What?

BOSCH

The hard drive. It’s encrypted.

Hill returns to Bosch.

HILL

Can you break it or not?

With Hill distracted, Simon speaks to Jack and Frank.

SIMON

For what’s it’s worth, I’m sorry you went to prison. I was hired to clean up a mess. Framing you was never part of the plan.

JACK

Was kidnapping my daughter part of the plan?

SIMON

Not mine.

(he looks to Hill)

I never involve children.

FRANK

What do you know? A hitman with scruples. How much did the governor pay you to kill his bastard son?

SIMON

Was that the motive? I never asked.

FRANK

You walked into the police station to kill a man and you didn’t ask why?

SIMON

I never concern myself with why. Only how much?

JACK

Why didn’t you just wait for Jones to be released?

SIMON

After Mr. Hill missed his chance on the street, my client was concerned Jones would use his day in court to make a statement. And given what I now know, I can understand why my client wanted him dead.

FRANK

Your client. Why don’t you just say Newbaum?

SIMON

Because governor Newbaum isn’t my client. Personally, I doubt if he even knows the truth.

Bosch shrugs and throws up his hands.

BOSCH

I can’t break the fucking encryption. I don’t even think this is the right hard drive. The dates are wrong.

(touching the hard drive)

And it’s getting hotter than hell.

Hill turns back to Jack and Frank.

HILL

It’s a fake, isn’t it? You don’t have the hard drive. You tortured the technician for nothing. Well, that’s too bad for you. And too bad for your wife and daughter. There’s nothing to protect them now that you’re dead.

Bosch stands from the computer, backing away from the hard drive, nervous

BOSCH

Hey. This thing is getting really hot!

BOOM!

The C-4 in the hard drive EXPLODES.

Bosch is thrown into the back wall.

Everyone is blown off their feet. Loam sails across the room. Hill lands hard on the floor. Simon hurls off the sofa.

Frank and Jack tumble off their chairs.

The room is smoke and flying papers.

Jack and Frank are first on their feet. They run for the window.

EXT. TRAILOR – CONTINUOUS

Jack and Frank CRASH through the window. Glass shattering. They land on the ground hard.

INT. TRAILER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Hill struggles to his feet. He grabs Loam and stands him up.

Simon stands slowly, trying to figure what happened.

Bosch is moving, barely.

EXT. TRAILOR – CONTINUOUS

Frank is on his feet first. Jack up next. They run, hands cuffed behind the back, toward the steel mill into the dark.

INT. TRAILER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

HILL

GET UP! GET UP!

He grabs Loam and shoves him toward the window with the automatic weapon.

Loam aims wildly out the window and FIRES. The automatic SPITTING bullets after Jack and Frank.

Hill grabs Bosch and hoists the man to his feet. He’s barely able to function.

HILL (CONT’D)

GET AFTER THEM! GET AFTER THEM!

Bosch staggers toward the door. He grabs Jack’s .45 automatic off the floor.

EXT. TRAILOR – CONTINUOUS

The door SLAMS open and Loam charges out, followed by Bosch. They run after Jack and Frank toward the mill.

INT. TRAILER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Hill half aims Frank’s .44 magnum at Simon.

HILL

It’s time to earn your keep, assassin.

Simon slides his automatic from his shoulder holster, but from the look in his cool eyes, he’s rather use it on Hill.

Simon makes for the door.

INT. STEEL MILL – CONTINUOUS

Shafts of moonlight filter through the broken ceiling. It’s the only light. Grey shafts making the shadows darker.

Jack and Frank huddle together, exhausted, bleeding. They step through their handcuffs to free their arms.

JACK

You hurt bad?

Frank pulls a piece of glass from his bleeding neck.

FRANK

I’ll live.

JACK

We can do more damage spit up. I’ll cross over. You head up.

(before they split)

And don’t get killed. Oksana will never forgive you.

Frank winks and heads up a ladder to the catwalks above.

Jack heads across the mill, disappearing in the dark.

Bosch and Loam run into the mill. They grab cover, searching the dark.

Bosch points for Loam to head across to the other side of the mill. Loam ducks and runs toward the other side.

Bosch heads up the opposite side of the mill, keeping low to the shadows.

Hill enters through an open side door. He stops to listen, eyes wide, nervous. METAL BANGS AGAINST METAL somewhere in the blackness. His eyes lock on the sound. But he heads in the opposite direction.

Simon stands in the shadows, calm, searching. He slides into the dark like a cat.

Frank kneels on the catwalk, listening, searching below. He HEARS someone on the catwalk. He vanished into the shadows.

Jack HEARS SCUFFLING but can’t make anyone. He reaches down and grabs a metal bar off the ground. The bar SCRAPES when he picks it up.

Hill hears the SCRAPING SOUND, aims the .44 magnum and FIRES TWICE. Bullets RICOCHET.

Bosch hits the ground. Bullets RICOCHET over his head.

Loam moves step by step along he catwalk, searching ahead, automatic ready. Something stirs behind him. He spins.

Frank charges from the shadows. Both hands grab the barrel of the automatic. Loam FIRES. The automatic SPITS BULLETS.

Frank CRIES OUT from the heat burning his hands. The two men wrestle for the weapon. It SPILLS IT GUTS, FLAMING with every bullet.

Jack steps from cover when he spies his friend.

JACK’S POV

Frank and Loam wrestle for the automatic, bullets FLASHING, RICOCHETING everywhere.

Hill ducks for cover.

Bosch is already on the ground, covering his head.

Simon stands behind an large iron pot, nonplused.

Frank and Loam wrestling on the catwalk. The automatic SPITS its last bullet. We HEAR the CLICK of the empty chamber.

Frank releases is grip and SMASHES closed fists into Loam’s face. Blood spatters from his nose. The gun drops from his grip. It lands on the catwalk and over the edge.

Frank PUMMELS Loam in the face. The man staggers backward until he’s against the railing. Frank grabs and hoists Loam over the railing.

Loam sails over the edge, SCREAMING. We HEAR a LOUD THUD.

Frank looks over the railing.

Loam is impaled on a pile of rebar. He coughs blood, then his last breath wheezes from him.

Hill aims the magnum and FIRES up at Frank.

Frank ducks and runs. A bullet RICOCHETS and hits him in the side. Frank GROANS and falls hard. He crawls to his feet and staggers into the dark.

Bosch moves through the shadows and comes across the pile of rebar. He pies Loam’s body.

BOSCH

(whispering)

Shit.

He looks around, scared, the .45 ready.

Jack lunges at Bosch, swinging the steel bar. He strikes Bosch on left side. The .45 FIRES. Jack whirls from the bullet grazing his shoulder.

Bosch lands on the ground, the .45 still in hand.

Jack staggers away, wounded, and regains his bearing.

Bosch stands ready to fire again.

Jack brings the steel bar down, striking Bosch’s shoulder. The man SCREAMS as the bar CRACKS his shoulder, splitting skin and bone, digging deep. The .45 SPITS again, missing Jack.

Bosch drops to the ground, the steel bar stuck in his shoulder. He writhes in agony until he loses life.

Jack watches him die and then frisks Bosch for the handcuff keys. Quickly, he unlocks the handcuffs and grabs the .45 off the ground.

BULLETS RICOCHET around Jack. He ducks, covers and runs, lucky to escape.

Hill FIRES the magnum until the hammer CLICKS on an empty chamber. Hill drops and quickly reloads.

Simon watches from the shadows. He HEARS someone SCUFFLING across the catwalk above him.

Frank is struggling across the catwalk. He leans against the rail for balance. He checks his wound and pulls back a blood soaked hand. He’s hurt badly. He moves on.

Simon heads up the ladder to the catwalk.

Hill skulks through the machinery, stalking someone. A RAIN OF BULLETS suddenly RICOCHET around him and he falls to the ground. We HEAR him GROAN.

Jack looks up from his firing position to see if he hit Hill.

Hill rolls on the ground and checks his left shoulder. The bullet went clean through. He crawls to his feet, favoring his wounded arm.

Jack, unsure of his marksmanship, slips away.

Frank, leaning against a wall, is jimmying the handcuffs with a piece of metal. The lock pops. One hand his free. He starts working the other.

Simon reaches the top of the ladder. He looks both ways up and down the catwalk.

Frank pops the second lock and removes the handcuffs. He drops them with a SOFT BANG.

Simon hears the BANG to his right and moves closer.

Frank rubs his wrists and pushed himself to his feet. He looks around, seeing no-one steps from cover.

Simon spies Frank ahead of him. He aims carefully and FIRES.

Frank is hit twice. He lands on the catwalk and rolls over the side.

Frank LANDS on the ground hard.

Jack spies his friend on the ground.

Simon comes to the edge of the catwalk to search for Frank.

Frank is rolling on the ground, not yet dead.

Simon aims over the edge, ready to fire. Bullets suddenly SPRAY around him.

Jack is bolting across the mill floor, FIRING at Simon.

Simon ducks to avoid being shot.

Jack reaches Frank, grabs his arm and drags him to cover.

Simon jumps and aims his weapon over the railing, but Frank is gone. Simon heads for the ladder.

Jack drags Frank to cover and sits him up. He checks Frank’s wounds. His partner is hit and bleeding.

JACK

We have to get you to a doctor.

Frank laughs through bloody teeth.

FRANK

With my luck, the first doctor you find will be a proctologist.

JACK

Come on.

Jack tries to hoist Frank to his feet, but Frank puts a hand to Jack to stop him.

FRANK

Thanks for the thought. But what makes you think you’re gonna get out of here alive?

JACK

Always the optimist.

Hill is sneaking up, moving through the machinery.

Simon reaches the bottom of the ladder, making his way toward Jack and Frank from the opposite direction as Hill.

Frank grimaces and, with his last bit of strength, grabs Jack by the lapel of his coat.

FRANK

Forget about me. You still have two assholes out there. And if you want to save your daughter, they have to die.

The words stammer in Jack’s throat.

FRANK (CONT’D)

My fate was sealed when I crawled into bed with Oksana. Now do what you gotta do.

Frank’s grip slips from Jack, and he leans back, exhausted.

Something stirs near Frank. He spins and FIRES.

Simon ducks behind a dumpster at BULLETS SPARK and RICOCHET.

Hill pops up and FIRES.

Jack’s back shoulder splatters blood. He HOWLS and whirls and FIRES TWICE in the same motion. The .45 CLICKS. Empty. Jack falls and slumps on the ground.

Hill stands cautiously and moves closer.

Jack sitting on the ground. He spies Hill approaching. He tries to aim the .45 and fire again and again, but the gun CLICKS empty. Hill kicks the automatic from Jack’s hand.

Simon walks in calmly. He looks a the two men on the ground.

Frank looks across at Frank.

Frank is slumped over, sitting up, dead.

HILL

(to Jack)

You fucking cops. But just you had to push it. You couldn’t leave it alone. And now your daughter and your ex have to pay the price — for you.

Simon looks at Hill, troubled by his remark.

HILL (CONT’D)

(to Simon)

Okay, assassin. Time to get paid.

(glancing at Jack)

I got mine.

Simon steps closer to Jack — and Hill.

Jack returns Simon’s stare.

SIMON

(to Jack)

It’s not personal. It’s business.

Simon suddenly aims his weapon at Hill and FIRES point blank.

Hill’s head slams back. His body hits the ground.

Jack is startled for a moment. He’s too weak to fully react.

Simon kneels down in front of Jack.

SIMON (CONT’D)

I told you. I was hired to clean up a mess. And that —

(he nods toward Hill)

— that was the biggest mess.

(beat)

Where we go from here is up to you. I have no interest in your daughter or her mother. That was his play, not mine. But if you want to keep them safe, you need to accept that there’s no victory here, not now. You learned the truth, but at what cost? You lost your partner. How many more are you willing to lose?

Jack listens to Simon and nods. His head falls to his chest, and he begins to cry, totally defeated.

Simon stands, looks over the scene and steps away.

Jack continues to cry.

[Dana Abbott]

Here is my second version. I am open to sharing critiques.

PS81 – Dana’s Outline Version #2

Concept: A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Ellen Landry – The psychiatrist trying to save her kidnapped family.

Jason/Ryan – The patient threatening to kill Ellen’s family.

Det. Sorenson – Lead detective chasing the kidnapper.

Dramatic Question:

Can Ellen stop her patient from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient threatens to kill a radio psychiatrist’s kidnapped family.

Dilemma:

Does Ellen try to dissuade her patient from killing her family or does she manipulate him into killing himself before he can execute his threat?

Theme:

Sacrificing one’s morality to save another.

Character Arc: Anxious radio host to powerful psychiatrist able to take down violent patient.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening: Late for work, Ellen Landry learns she is missing her meeting with her station manager, increasing her anxiety level.

2. Inciting Incident: A caller tells Ellen that he has kidnapped her family and plans to execute one every hour on air unless she can excise the personality before the end of the show.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: A dangerous patient has kidnapped Ellen’s family, and she must play a deadly game of life and death on air to save them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Ellen’s husband calls her show to confirm he and their daughters have been kidnapped by Ryan, the violent personality, who is now in control,

5. Midpoint: After her husband is murdered, Ellen tries to extract Jason’s manic-depressive personability and pressure him toward suicide to saver her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The manic-depressive personality reveals himself.

7. Crisis: The violent personality reemerges to foil Ellen’s plan.

8. Climax: Ellen pits the man’s personalities one against the other, fighting for dominance until she hears a gun go off. Silence leaves her on edge. Then SWAT discovers the man dead, and her daughters saved.

9. Resolution: Ellen is sent to reunite with her daughters. The detective assigned to the case learns that the caller was not working alone, someone else was involved and is still at large.

FIRST TIME CALLER – ESSENCE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen Landry’s husband, Roger, calls to tell her his car wouldn’t start and he’s using Uber to drop their daughters at school before heading to work. She cuts the call short when her producer calls. Ellen is missing her meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot. Anxious and in a hurry, she spills her coffee on her skirt.

2. EXT. STATION – DAY

Ellen parks and grapples with her purse and computer bag as she hurries inside.

3. EXT. RECEPTION – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen enters sheepishly and sits down as the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified. The station manager meets with Ellen about her ratings. They need to improve, or he’ll have to release her.

5. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Wiping the stain on her skirt, Ellen’s emotions get the better of her. A toilet flushes and man steps from a stall. Ellen, mortified again, realizes she’s in the men’s room. Her producer enters looking for her. Ellen tells her about the manager’s threat to replace her. Her producer blows it off and builds her confidence. All they need is one great show.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills. He admits he’s a schmuck, but the owner is concerned and wants him to find Ellen’s replacement just in case.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen settles in at her microphone. She notices the manager hovering. Ellen welcomes her listeners, but the first call is uninspiring. The manager leaves disappointed.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The producer screens another caller, Jason, who claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder. She puts Jason through immediately.

INCITING INCIDENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Jason, but the call goes sideways when Jason warns that his violent personality has kidnapped Ellen’s family and that he intends to kill them one by one on-air unless she can excise the violent personality by the end of the show.

Suddenly, Jason argues with someone– another personality – and the call drops. Stunned, Ellen and her producer stare at one another. The producer goes to a commercial.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager returns. He quips about boring calls.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells them Jason was an ex-patient who suffered from DID (dissociative identity disorder). Worried, Ellen calls her husband. The call goes to voicemail. She calls the school. Her daughters haven’t arrived. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive.

The station manager leaves to call the police and as a precaution. Ellen’s producer keeps her from unravelling. Ellen takes the next call, but she’s distracted, obviously concerned about her family.

12. INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD – DAY

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation. He complains the case is a snipe hunt.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

During a commercial break, Ellen calls her husband again. Nothing. She calls his work. He hasn’t arrived yet. And the school hasn’t called back. She’s more on edge.

14. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The manager greets Sorenson when he arrives and explains the situation.

15. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson questions Ellen and her producer about the call.

16. INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells him everything she remembers about Jason. Sorensen asks the routine questions and reassures her not to panic. He asks for a private room to call his station.

17. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson starts an investigation, although he still thinks it’s a snipe hunt.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call – Ryan. “Long time listener. First time caller.” He engages Ellen in polite conversation, but Ellen is perplexed why exactly he’s called.

19. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Still on his phone, Sorenson learns the caller is using the husband’s phone. He bolts from the room.

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ryan puts someone on-air who’s eager to speak with Ellen – Roger, Ellen’s husband. Frightened to death, he confirms Ryan – the violent personality – has kidnapped him and their two daughters.

21. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson runs into the booth to hear Ryan explain the rules of the game.

22. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen listens intently to every rule. The last rule: Ellen must talk Ryan down or he’ll shoot her family one at a time starting at the top of the hour. Ellen looks to the clock as it ticks toward the next hour.

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

23. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson jumps into the investigation. Track the husband’s phone. Find the Uber driver. Put SWAT on standby. Find the sister in Memphis.

24. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, pleads with Ryan. Why is he doing this? She failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and today he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

25. EXT. STATION – DAY

A TV van arrives. The reporter and camera men jump out.

26. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The receptionist spies the TV van arriving outside and calls the manager.

27. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The manager tells Sorensen about the media. Sorenson says no statements. Jason is probably watching TV. Send people home. Lock down the station.

28. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The manager is stunned as more vans and reporters arrive. The receptionist answers a call. The owner wants to speak to the manager.

29. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen asks Ryan if she can speak with Jason. Ryan refuses. She struggles to engage Ryan.

30. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson gets a call. The GPS on the husband’s phone and the Uber driver’s car place them both at the driver’s home. SWAT is enroute. Sorenson signals Ellen to stall. They’re close.

31. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen nods and engages Ryan, trying to talk him down. The minutes are ticking away.

32. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan. It’s a hostage situation. Full breach.

33. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Ryan, though struggling. Watching the clock on the wall as the hour approaches.

34. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT kicks the front door and storms inside.

35. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The Uber driver is dead. Ellen’s family isn’t there. But SWAT finds the husband’s phone.

36. INT. CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Sorenson is told the bad news. Ryan left the husband’s phone behind so the police would track the GPS signal to the driver’s home. Ryan is using a burn phone with a spoof number to call the station, an app that allows him to pirate the husband’s number to disguise his own.

37. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at police incompetence, Ryan tells Ellen it’s time for her choose one member of her family to die. He threatens her daughters. Ellen pleads for him not to harm them, and Ryan choses her husband by default.

Ellen listens to Ryan drag her husband into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her. Ryan shoots him on air. Ryan says, “We’ll be right back after this short break,” and hangs up.

Ellen flees the booth, hysterical.

38. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson chases and grabs her, and she falls into his arms, sobbing. She says she’s going to be sick.

39. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson urges her to be strong. She slaps him, taking out her frustration, and collapses to the floor, unable to go on. Sorenson holds her. He tells her she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.

40. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager, in a panic, argues with the producer about the dead air. The producer fires back, frustrated, reminding him of Ryan’s rules. The station cannot break from the show.

41. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson holds Ellen as she recovers. What can she tell him about Jason? Her patient files are on her laptop in her office. The manager enters. The caller is back and asking for Ellen.

42. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen returns, but it’s not Ryan on the call. It’s a young boy, Bobby – Jason’s protective personality. She engages Bobby. He confirms Roger is dead, but her daughters are safe. Ellen falters, barely able to speak, silent and wiping tears. She stares at nothing, deep in thought. She listens to Bobby.

43. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Sorenson opens Ellen’s laptop. He opens Jason’s file and reads. We see Jason’s picture.

44. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Ellen’s producer and the station manager try to get Ellen to engage Bobby. Sorenson enters carrying Jason’s printed patient file. Everyone looks to him concerned.

MIDPOINT

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

A determined look appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions under control, she speaks with Bobby about William. Does he remember William? Everyone wonders what she’s doing.

46. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson scans Jason’s patient file and looks to Ellen stunned. He tells the others that William is a manic-depressive personality with suicidal fantasies. Realizing her intentions, Sorenson warns Ellen her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

47. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, ignores Sorenson, determined to save her daughters – her way. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.

48. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson realizes Ellen’s in control. “It’s her show now.”

49. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen delves into Bobby’s psyche. She tries to draw William to the surface. But Bobby resists. He tells her that he never liked William. “He’s always in a bad mood.”

50. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from the police. They have tracked down Jason’s sister. They transfer the call to him. The sister tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

51. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen asks Bobby if he will let Jason speak to his sister. Bobby reluctantly agrees, and when Jason is heard, Ellen puts the sister on air to speak with him. She listens to the sister plead with Jason to stop, tormenting Ellen’s conflicted emotions. But when the sister cannot convince Jason to stop, Ellen continues, delving deeper into Jason to draw out William.

52. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The department alerts Sorenson they may have a lead on Jason’s location, but they need time.

53. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William reveals himself to Ellen, but Ellen hesitates. This is her point of no return. Once she engages William, there is no going back. William inquires again. Ellen engages him. “Hello, William.”

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 2

54. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson gets the call. They have a fix on Jason. Units are on the way.

55. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors William. Does he understand the situation? Does he understand what Ryan has done?

56. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

SWAT and the police race across the bridge. VOICEOVER of Ellen speaking to William is heard.

57. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Although anguished by the harm she’s causing, Ellen persists. She presses William hard. Does he want the death of her children on his conscience? She implores William that the only way for him to stop this madness is for him to kill Ryan, which means killing himself.

58. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team getting ready.

59. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she continues with tears running, torturing herself as she sacrifices her humanity to save her daughters

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes, realizing what Ellen is attempting. He threatens to kill one daughter – now! Ellen confronts Ryan hard, setting the two personalities against one another. She pushes William to find the strength to do what he must. The two personalities fight for dominance, the gun in hand.

60. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. The clock is ticking. Sorensen yells they’re out of time.

61. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen in full psychiatric mode. The two personalities fighting like two people in an argument. Ellen pushes William to stop Ryan. Save my daughters!

62. EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – DAY

The SWAT team swarms the building.

63. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

CLIMAX: William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names, pressing harder. The personalities go back and forth, William then Ryan until – the gun goes off!

Ellen jumps from her chair. Nothing. Silence. She stares at everything and nothing. Everyone holds their breathes. She hears SWAT kick the door. Lots of noise and confusion. The call drops. Ellen is unable to breathe. Moments hang like minutes.

Sorenson bursts in. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe. Sorenson catches Ellen as she collapses, sobbing. “What have I done? What have I done?” Sorenson: “What you had to do.”

64. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen to a waiting car.

65. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

66. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

67. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Back at the station, Sorenson receives a call from a local physician. He tells Sorenson that Jason was being held for 10-day observation at his clinic under a different name and that he was only released that morning. How could he have planned the kidnapping while he was being held for observation?

Sorenson confirms the physician’s story and realizes Ryan was not one of Jason’s personalities. He was a different person all along, running a sadistic game against Ellen.

68. CUT TO BLACK

VOICEOVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Ellen.

69. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICEOVER: The host discusses the aftermath of Ellen’s misery. The first caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Outline Version #1

Concept: A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Ellen Landry – The psychiatrist trying to save her kidnapped family.

Jason/Ryan – The patient threatening to kill Ellen’s family.

Det. Sorenson – Lead detective chasing the kidnapper.

Dramatic Question:

Can Ellen stop her patient from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient threatens to kill a radio psychiatrist’s kidnapped family.

Dilemma:

Does Ellen try to dissuade her patient from killing her family or does she manipulate him into killing himself before he can execute his threat?

Theme:

Sacrificing one’s morality to save another.

Character Arc: Anxious radio host to powerful psychiatrist able to take down violent patient.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening: Late for work, Ellen Landry learns she is missing her meeting with her station manager, increasing her anxiety level.

2. Inciting Incident: A caller tells Ellen that he has kidnapped her family and plans to execute one every hour on air unless she can excise the personality before the end of the show.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: A dangerous patient has kidnapped Ellen’s family, and she must play a deadly game of life and death on air to save them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Ellen’s husband calls her show to confirm he and their daughters have been kidnapped by Ryan, the violent personality, who is now in control,

5. Midpoint: After her husband is murdered, Ellen tries to extract Jason’s manic-depressive personability and pressure him toward suicide to saver her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The manic-depressive personality reveals himself.

7. Crisis: The violent personality reemerges to foil Ellen’s plan.

8. Climax: Ellen pits the man’s personalities one against the other, fighting for dominance until she hears a gun go off. Silence leaves her on edge. Then SWAT discovers the man dead, and her daughters saved.

9. Resolution: Ellen is sent to reunite with her daughters. The detective assigned to the case learns that the caller was not working alone, someone else was involved and is still at large.

FIRST TIME CALLER – ESSENCE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen Landry’s husband, Roger, calls to tell her his car wouldn’t start and he’s using Uber to drop their daughters at school before heading to work. She cuts the call short when her producer calls. Ellen is missing her meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot, now anxious and hurrying.

2. EXT. STATION – DAY

Ellen parks and, grappling with her purse and briefcase, hurries inside.

3. EXT. RECEPTION – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen sits down as the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified. The station manager meets with Ellen about her ratings. They need to improve, or he will have to release her.

5. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Ellen emotions get the better of her. A man steps from a stall, and Ellen realizes she’s in the men’s room. Her producer enters looking for her. Ellen tells her about the station manager’s meeting. Her producer tells Ellen not to worry and builds her confidence. All they need is one great show.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills. He admits he’s a schmuck, but the owner is concerned and wants him to find Ellen’s replacement just in case.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen settles in at her microphone. She notices the manager hovering and is more nervous. Ellen welcomes her listeners, and the first call is boring. She watches the manager leave disappointed.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The producer screens the next caller, Jason, who claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder.

INCITING INCIDENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Jason, but when she recognizes him as her ex-patient, she advises him that she cannot continue the conversation on-air. Before she can end the call, Jason screams for her not to hang up. He then warns that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and intends to kill them unless she can excise the personality by the end of the show. Jason suddenly argues with someone else – another personality – and the call drops. Her producer goes to a commercial.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager returns. He quips about boring calls.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells them Jason was an ex-patient who suffered from DID (dissociative identity disorder). Worried, Ellen calls her husband. The call goes to voicemail. She calls the school. Her daughters haven’t arrived. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive.

The station manager decides to call the police as a precaution due to policy. Ellen’s producer keeps her from unravelling and takes the next call. Ellen is distracted, concerned about her family.

12. INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD – DAY

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation. He complains the case is a snipe hunt.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

During a commercial break, Ellen calls her husband again. Nothing. She calls his work. He hasn’t arrived yet. And the school hasn’t called back. She’s more on edge.

14. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The manager greets Sorenson when he arrives and explains the situation.

15. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson questions Ellen and her producer about the call.

16. INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells him everything she remembers about Jason. Sorensen asks the routine questions and reassures her not to panic. He asks for a private room.

17. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson calls his station to start an investigation. He still thinks it’s a snipe hunt.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call. Ryan. “Long time listener. First time caller.” He engages Ellen in polite conversation, but Ellen is perplexed why exactly he’s called.

19. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson, still on the phone, learns the caller’s number belongs to Ellen’s husband. What?

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ryan puts Ellen’s husband – Roger – on the phone. Roger confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped. Ryan, Jason’s the violent personality, has taken control.

21. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson runs in to hear Ryan explain the rules of the game.

22. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

CLOSE ON ELLEN as the last rule is given: Ellen must talk Ryan down or he’ll shoot her family one at a time starting at the top of the hour.

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

23. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson jumps to action and coordinates the investigation. Track the husband’s phone. Find the Uber driver. Put SWAT on standby. Find the sister in Memphis.

24. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, pleads with Ryan. Why is he doing this? She failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and today he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

25. EXT. STATION – DAY

A TV van arrives. The reporter and camera men jump out.

26. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The receptionist spies the TV van arriving outside and calls the manager.

27. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The manager tells Sorensen about the media. Sorenson says no statements. Jason is probably watching TV. Send people home. Lock down the station.

28. RECEPTION – DAY

The barbarians are at the gate. The manager is stunned as more vans and reporters show up.

29. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors Ryan, but he won’t allow Jason to return. She keeps looking at the clock is ticking toward the next hour.

30. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson listens to Ellen and Ryan spar. He gets a call. They have a fix on the Uber driver. He’s not responding to calls, and his car’s GPS indicates he’s home. SWAT is enroute to the location.

Sorenson signals Ellen to stall. They may be close to finding her family.

31. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen nods and engages Ryan, stilling talking him down. But the minutes are ticking down.

32. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan. It’s a hostage situation.

33. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Ryan, still working him. Watching the clock on the wall as the hour approaches.

34. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT breaches the front door and storms inside.

35. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The Uber driver is dead. He’s been dead more than a day. SWAT finds the husband’s phone.

36. INT. CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Sorenson learns it’s not Jason, and that Jason is using a spoof number, number disguising his own.

37. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at the police incompetence, Ryan tells Ellen it’s time for her choose one member of her family to die. He threatens her daughters. When Ellen pleads for him not to harm them, Ryan choses her husband by default.

Ellen listens as Jason drags her husband into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her. Ryan shoots him on air. Ryan then breaks the call. “We’ll be right back after this short break.”

Ellen flees the booth through a secondary door, hysterical.

38. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson grabs her, and she falls into his arms, sobbing. She says she’s going to be sick.

39. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson urges her to be strong. She slaps him, taking out her frustration, and collapses to the floor, unable to go on. Sorenson holds her. He tells her she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.

40. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The station manager argues with the owner on the phone about the situation. He slams the phone down, frustrated, angry.

41. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson holds Ellen as she recovers. What can she tell him about Jason? Her patient files are on her laptop in her office. Her producer enters. The caller is back on-air and asking for Ellen.

42. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen reengages with Ryan, but it’s a young boy, Bobby. Jason’s protective personality. She engages Bobby. He confirms Roger is dead, but her daughters are safe. Ellen, barely able to speak, falters, silent, wiping tears. She stares at nothing, deep in thought. She listens to Bobby.

43. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Sorenson opens Ellen’s laptop. He opens Jason’s file and reads. We see Jason’s picture.

44. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Ellen’s producer, in tears herself, and the station manager try to get Ellen to engage Bobby. Sorenson enters carrying Jason’s printed patient file. Everyone looks to him concerned.

MIDPOINT

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

A terrible aspect appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions under control, she speaks with Bobby about William. Does he remember William? Everyone wonders what she’s doing.

46. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson scans Jason’s patient file, stunned. He tells the others that William is a manic-depressive and suicidal personality. Sorenson looks to Ellen, realizing her intent, and warns that her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

47. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, ignores Sorenson, determined to save her daughters – her way. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.

48. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson realizes Ellen’s in control now.

49. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen delves into Bobby’s memory to draw out William. Bobby resists. He never liked William.

50. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from the police. They have tracked down Jason’s sister. They transfer the call to him. The sister tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

51. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen learns Jason’s sister is on the phone and puts her on air. Ellen listens to Jason’s sister plead for him to stop, tormenting Ellen’s conflicted emotions. But when the sister cannot convince Jason to stop, Ellen delves deeper into Jason to draw William out.

52. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The department alerts Sorenson they have a lead on Jason’s location, but they need time. The clock on the wall ticking down the minutes to the next hour.

53. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William reveals himself to Ellen.

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 2

54. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on the phone. They have a fix on Jason. Units are on the way.

55. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen begins to doctor William, asking him if he understands the situation that he’s involved in. She pushes William into a depressive state.

56. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

The SWAT van and police cars, lights on, racing across the bridge. The scene is silent but for the VOICEOVER of Ellen manipulating William.

57. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Although anguished by the harm she’s causing, Ellen persists. Does William want the death of her children on his conscience? Doesn’t he want to be at peace. She presses him hard. The only way to stop this is for William to kill Ryan. But that means killing himself.

58. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team getting ready.

59. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she presses. If he wants peace, he must find the strength to do what he knows he must do. Ellen pushes hard, her tears running, almost unable to speak, torturing herself, sacrificing her humanity to save her daughters.

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes, realizing what Ellen is attempting. He threatens to kill one daughter – now! Ellen confronts Ryan hard, setting the two personalities against one another. They argue back and forth, fighting for dominance, the gun in hand.

60. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. Sorensen yells they’re out of time.

61. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in full psychiatric mode now, pushing hard. The two personalities yelling like two people in an argument. Ellen pushes William to stop Ryan, to save her daughters.

62. EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – DAY

SWAT teams swarming toward the building.

63. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

CLIMAX: William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names. Don’t let Ryan kill them. Ellen presses harder, the personalities go back and forth, William then Ryan until… The gun goes off!

Ellen jumps from her chair. Nothing. Silence. She stares at everything and nothing. Everyone holds their breathes. She hears SWAT kick the door. Lots of noise and confusion. The call drops. Ellen is unable to breathe. Moments hang like minutes.

Sorenson bursts in. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe. Ellen collapses in Sorenson’s arms.

64. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen to a waiting car.

65. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

66. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

67. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Back at his desk, Sorenson receives a call from a physician. He tells Sorenson that Jason was being held for 10-day observation at his clinic under a different name and that he was only released that morning. How could he have planned the kidnapping while he was being held for observation?

Sorenson confirms the physician’s story and realizes there had to be someone else involved.

68. CUT TO BLACK

VOICE OVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen.

69. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICE OVER: The host discusses the aftermath of Ellen’s misery. The first caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

ProSeries 81 – Outlining Day 16 – Write Your Essence Only Outline

PS81 – Dana’s Pass #10: Essence Only

What I learned during this assignment:

Searching through the outline for the essence of every scene helped me reduce the outline from 8 pages to 6 pages. I was also able to merge scenes together while eliminating others completely, tightening the story.

Logline:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Dramatic Question:

Can Ellen stop her patient from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient intends to kill a radio psychiatrist’s kidnapped family on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Dilemma:

Does she play the killer’s game to persuade him from killing her family or does she manipulate him into killing himself before he can execute his threat?

Theme:

Sacrificing one’s morality to save another.

FIRST TIME CALLER – ESSENCE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen Landry’s husband, Roger, calls to tell her his car wouldn’t start and he’s using Uber to drop their daughters at school before heading to work. He asks Ellen if she can pick them up after her radio show, and they get into an argument about her career interfering with family.

She cuts the call short when she gets another call from her producer. Ellen is missing her meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot. Anxious, hurrying, she spills coffee on her skirt.

2. EXT. STATION – DAY

Ellen parks and, grappling with her purse and briefcase, hurries inside.

3. EXT. RECEPTION – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen enters and sits down as the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified. The station manager meets with Ellen about her ratings. They need to improve, or he will have to release her.

5. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Ellen rubs the coffee stain from her skirt when her emotions get the better of her. Just then, a man steps from a stall, and Ellen realizes she’s in the men’s room. Mortified! Her producer enters looking for her. Ellen tells her about the station manager’s meeting and her argument with her husband. Her producer tells Ellen not to worry and builds her confidence. All they need is one great show.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills. He admits he’s a schmuck, but the owner is concerned and wants him to find Ellen’s replacement just in case.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen settles in at her microphone. She notices the manager hovering and is more nervous. Ellen welcomes her listeners, and the first call is boring. She watches the manager leave disappointed.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The producer screens the next caller, Jason, who claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder. She puts him through immediately.

INCITING INCIDENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Jason, but when she recognizes him as her ex-patient, she advises him that she cannot continue the conversation on-air. Before she can end the call, Jason screams for her not to hang up. He then tells her that his dominant and violent personality has kidnapped her family, and he intends to kill them unless she can excise the personality by the end of the show.

Stunned, Ellen questions Jason about his threat. But Jason battles with someone else in a muddled argument and the call drops. Her producer goes to a commercial.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager returns. He quips about boring calls.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells them Jason was an ex-patient who suffered from DID (dissociative identity disorder). Worried, Ellen calls her husband. The call goes to voicemail. She calls the school. Her daughters haven’t arrived. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive.

The station manager decides to call the police as a precaution due to policy. Ellen’s producer keeps her from unravelling and takes the next call. Ellen is distracted, concerned about her family.

12. INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD – DAY

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation. He complains the case is a snipe hunt.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

During a commercial break, Ellen calls her husband again. Nothing. She calls his work. He hasn’t arrived yet. And the school hasn’t called back. She’s more on edge.

14. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The station manager greets Sorenson when the detective arrives and explains the situation. He takes Sorenson to meet Ellen.

15. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson questions Ellen and her producer about the call.

16. INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells him everything she remembers about Jason. Sorensen asks the routine questions and reassures her not to panic. He asks for a private room. Ellen takes the next call, decidedly more unnerved.

17. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson calls his station to start an investigation. He still thinks it’s a snipe hunt.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call. Ryan. “Long time listener. First time caller.” He engages Ellen in polite conversation, but Ellen is perplexed why exactly he’s called.

19. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson, still on the phone, learns the caller’s number belongs to Ellen’s husband. What?

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ryan puts Ellen’s husband – Roger – on the phone. Roger confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped. Ryan, Jason’s the violent personality, has taken control.

21. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

The station manager calls Sorensen backs into the control booth.

22. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Sorenson runs in to hear Ryan explain the rules of the game. The last rule: Ellen must talk him down or he’ll shoot her family one at a time starting at the top of the hour.

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

23. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson coordinates the investigation with earnest. Track the husband’s phone. Find the Uber driver. Put SWAT on standby. Find the sister in Memphis.

24. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, pleads with Ryan. Why is he doing this? She failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and today he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

25. EXT. STATION – DAY

A TV van arrives. The reporter and camera men jump out.

26. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The receptionist spies the TV van arriving outside and calls the manager.

27. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The manager tells Sorensen about the media. Sorenson says no statements. Jason is probably watching TV. Send people home. Lock down the station.

28. RECEPTION – DAY

The barbarians are at the gate. The manager is stunned as more vans and reporters show up.

29. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors Ryan, but he won’t allow Jason to return. The clock is ticking toward the first hour.

30. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson listens to Ellen and Ryan spar. He gets a call. The cops can’t get a fix on the husband’s phone. But they have a fix on the Uber driver who picked up Ellen’s family. His car’s GPS indicates he’s at home. And he’s not responding to calls. SWAT is enroute to the location.

Sorenson signals Ellen to stall. They may be close to finding her family.

31. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen nods and engages Ryan, stilling talking him down. But the minutes are ticking down.

32. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan. It’s a hostage situation.

33. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Ryan, still working him. Watching the clock on the wall as the hour approaches.

34. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT breaches the front door and storms inside.

35. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The Uber driver is dead. He’s been dead more than a day. SWAT finds the husband’s phone.

36. INT. CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Sorenson learns it’s not Jason, and that Jason is using a spoof number, number disguising his own.

37. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at the police incompetence, Ryan tells Ellen it’s time for her choose one member of her family to die. He threatens her daughters. When Ellen pleads for him not to harm them, Ryan choses her husband by default.

Ellen listens as Jason drags her husband into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her. Ryan shoots him on air. Ryan then breaks the call. “We’ll be right back after this short break.”

Ellen flees the booth through a secondary door, hysterical.

38. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson grabs her, and she falls into his arms, sobbing. She says she’s going to be sick.

39. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson urges her to be strong. She slaps him, taking out her frustration, and collapses to the floor, unable to go on. Sorenson holds her. He tells her she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.

40. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The station manager argues with the owner on the phone about the situation. He slams the phone down, frustrated, angry.

41. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson holds Ellen as she recovers. What can she tell him about Jason? Her patient files are on her laptop in her office. Her producer enters. The caller is back on-air and asking for Ellen.

42. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen reengages with Ryan, but it’s a young boy, Bobby. Jason’s protective personality. She engages Bobby. He confirms Roger is dead, but her daughters are safe. Ellen, barely able to speak, falters, silent, wiping tears. She stares at nothing, deep in thought. She listens to Bobby.

43. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Sorenson opens Ellen’s laptop. He opens Jason’s file and reads. We see Jason’s picture.

44. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Ellen’s producer, in tears herself, and the station manager try to get Ellen to engage Bobby. Sorenson enters carrying Jason’s printed patient file. Everyone looks to him concerned.

MIDPOINT

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

A terrible aspect appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions under control, she speaks with Bobby about William. Does he remember William? Everyone wonders what she’s doing.

46. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson scans Jason’s patient file, stunned. He tells the others that William is a manic-depressive and suicidal personality. Sorenson looks to Ellen, realizing her intent, and warns that her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

47. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, ignores Sorenson, determined to save her daughters – her way. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.

48. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson realizes Ellen’s in control now.

49. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen delves into Bobby’s memory to draw out William. Bobby resists. He never liked William.

50. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from the police. They have tracked down Jason’s sister. They transfer the call to him. The sister tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

51. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen learns Jason’s sister is on the phone and puts her on air. Ellen listens to Jason’s sister plead for him to stop, tormenting Ellen’s conflicted emotions. But when the sister cannot convince Jason to stop, Ellen delves deeper into Jason to draw William out.

52. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The department alerts Sorenson they have a lead on Jason’s location, but they need time.

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT

53. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William reveals himself. Although anguished by the harm she’s causing, Ellen pushes him toward his depressive state. Does he want the death of her children on his conscience? She presses that the only way to stop Ryan is for William to kill him. But that means killing himself.

54. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on the phone. They have a fix on Jason. Units are on the way.

55. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she presses. If he wants peace, he must find the strength to do what he knows he must do. Ellen pushes hard, her tears running, almost unable to speak, torturing herself, sacrificing her humanity to save her daughters.

56. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

The SWAT van and police cars, lights on, racing across the bridge. The scene is silent but for the VOICEOVER of Ellen manipulating William.

57. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes, realizing what Ellen is attempting, and threatens to kill one daughter. Ellen confronts Ryan hard, setting the two personalities against one another. They flip back and forth, the gun in hand, fighting for dominance.

Sorenson signals five minutes.

58. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team getting ready.

59. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in full psychiatric mode now, pushing William hard. The two personalities yelling like two people arguing. Ellen pushes William to take control and stop Ryan once and for all, to save her daughters.

60. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. Sorensen yells they’re out of time.

61. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

CLIMAX: William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names. Don’t let Ryan kill them. Ellen presses harder, the personalities go back and forth, William then Ryan until…

The gun goes off! Ellen jumps from her chair. Nothing. Silence. Ellen stares at everything, nothing. Everyone waits, holding their breathes. SWAT kick the door. Noise. Confusion. The call drops.

Ellen is unable to breathe. Moment like minutes. Sorenson bursts in. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe. Ellen collapses, sobbing in Sorenson’s arms.

62. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen to a waiting car. She’s wrapped in a blanket, emotionally drained.

63. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

64. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

65. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Back at his desk, Sorenson gets a call from a physician. He tells Sorenson that Jason was being held for 10-day observation at his clinic under a different name. Jason was released that morning and was picked up by an Uber. How could he have killed the Uber driver and planned the kidnapping while he being held for observation?

Sorenson searches police records to confirm the physician’s story and, stunned, realizes there had to be someone else involved.

66. CUT TO BLACK

VOICE OVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen.

DISSOLVE TO:

67. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICE OVER: The host discusses the aftermath of Ellen’s misery. The first caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Pass #9: Flag Scenes to Solve Elevate

What I learned during this assignment:

Working backward from the end of my outline, I was able to add scenes to improve the transitions and elevate the suspense.

ELEVATED/ADDES SCENES

INCITING INCIDENT. Originally, I had the producer hang up on the caller. But to better engage the audience, I have the antagonist get into an argument with his violent personality and the phone call drops out, leaving the psychiatrist and her producer wondering.

A moment before we confirm the protagonist’s husband and daughters have been kidnapped, the detective is told the phone number of the caller belongs to the psychiatrist’s husband. Inserting this scene, splitting the protagonist and antagonist conversation, creates added suspense.

After the killing of the psychiatrist’s husband, the station manager deals with the owner of the station in a heated exchange about dead air and station policy. This shows the pressure on the supporting cast.

I elevated the torment my protagonist endures during her conversation with the antagonist. The calmer and more controlled he remains pushes her desperation. And later, when she pushes her patient to the brink, her anguish tortures her.

I also found a few short scenes that interrupted the suspense of the script. I added a voiceover of the protagonist and antagonist conversation to connect the scene and continue the suspense.

To show the ghoulish nature of the media and the sudden interest in Ellen’s dilemma, I added a scene with a receptionist watching the TV vans pull up outside the radio station.

FIRST TIME CALLER – STRUCTURE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Stuck in morning traffic, Ellen is late for work. She receives a phone call from her producer. Ellen is missing the station manager’s meeting with the on-air talent. Shit! Ellen completely forgot.

Anxious, Ellen answers a call from her husband, Roger. His car won’t start, and he’s called Uber and will drop their daughters at school before heading to work. But he needs Ellen to pick them up after her radio show. They argue about her new career interfering with their family, and when she hangs up, she spills coffee on her skirt.

2. EXT. STATION – DAY

Ellen parks and, grappling with her purse and briefcase, hurries inside.

3. EXT. RECEPTION – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic. She takes Ellen’s purse and briefcase and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen enters a packed room. Sheepishly, she sits down in the last empty chair as the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified.

The station manager meets privately with Ellen. He’s concerned about her ratings. She spends too much time with one caller. She’s not supposed to cure her callers. She’s supposed to advise them and move on. She needs to get her ratings up or he will have to release her.

5. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Ellen is trying to rub out her coffee stain. Her emotions get the better of her, and she breaks down. A toilet flushes, and a man steps from stall. The man washes his hands and leaves. Ellen spies the urinals and realizes she’s in the mens’ room.

Her producer enters looking for her. She keeps the men out while she and Ellen talk. Ellen tells her about the station manager’s meeting. Her producer tells Ellen not to worry. Fear his motivational speech. “He’s no Tony Robbins.”

Ellen confesses her fears. She was middle of her class in medical school and residency. Her advisor advised against academics. Ellen tells her producer about the argument with her husband. Maybe he’s right. They talk about husbands and family.

Her producer rebuilds her confidence. All they need is one great show.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

One minute to air, the station manager enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills dealing with Ellen, making her more self-conscience and nervous before the show. He’s a schmuck, and he knows it. But the station owner is concerned. He tells her that he’s already interviewed Ellen’s replacement.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen settles in at her microphone. She notices the station manager hovering. She’s more nervous. Ellen welcomes her listeners. She’s smooth and controlled. Her producer announces first caller, but the call is boring. Ellen delves too deep into theory.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager leaves, disappointed. The producer screens the next caller, Jason, who suffers from multiple personality disorder. She puts him through immediately.

INCIDINT INDICENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages the caller. When she recognizes Jason as her ex-patient, she advises the audience that she cannot continue the conversation on-air. Before she can end the call, Jason yells at Ellen not to hang up. His more dominant and violent personality has kidnapped her family, and he intends to kill one every hour on air unless she excises the personality by the end of the show.

Stunned, Ellen questions Jason about his threat. Jason suddenly engages in a muddled argument with someone – himself – and the call drops.

Her producer goes to a commercial.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager returns. He quips about boring calls.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen tells them about Jason. An ex-patient who suffered from DID (dissociative identity disorder).

Ellen grabs the studio phone and calls her husband. The call goes to voicemail. She calls the school to ask about her children. Her children have not arrived yet. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive.

The station manager leaves to call the police due to policy.

Ellen’s producer keeps her from unravelling. Ellen takes the next call, but she is clearly distracted, concerned about her family’s safety.

12. INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD – DAY

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation by his lieutenant. He’s alone. His partner’s in court. The lieutenant has no-one else. Sorensen accepts the case believing it’s a snipe hunt. A crank caller to a radio station. Just in case, the lieutenant will get department ready.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is on air with another caller. During the break, she tries her husband again. Nothing. Calls his work. He hasn’t arrived. And the school still hasn’t called back. She’s getting more nervous.

14. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

Sorenson arrives at the station. The receptionist calls the station manager who greets Sorenson. He explains the situation and takes Sorenson to meet Ellen.

15. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager introduces Sorenson to Ellen and her producer. He starts to question Ellen.

16. INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen explains Jason was non-violent, homeless, has a sister in Memphis. She transferred him to another psychiatrist when she quit her practice for radio. Psychiatrist’s name?

Anyone ever threaten her or her husband? Can she think of anyone who would want to harm her or her family? Sorenson reassures Ellen not to panic. It may be an admin screw up. He’ll send units to her daughter’s school and her husband’s work. He asks for a private room.

Ellen takes the next call, decidedly more unnerved.

17. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson calls his station. Track the phone number. Find the Uber driver. Put out an APB on Jason. Check homeless shelters. Find someone who knows him or knows where he might be. And call the psychiatrist and see if they can get Jason’s patient records.

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call. Ryan. “Long time listener. First time caller.” He engages Ellen in polite conversation for a moment. Ellen is perplexed why he called.

19. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Sorenson learns that the phone number belongs to Roger Landry, Ellen’s husband. What?

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ryan has someone he knows Ellen would like to talk to. Ryan puts Ellen’s husband – Roger – on the phone. Roger confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped. Ryan, Jason’s the violent personality, has taken control.

21. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

The station manager calls Sorensen backs into the control booth.

22. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Sorenson enters the control room to hear Ryan explain the rules. The show must never leave the air, even for a commercial. He will only speak to Ellen. If she can’t talk him down, he’ll shoot one of her family members at the top of the hour, 37 minutes away.

23. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson coordinates the investigation. Track the husband’s phone. Find the Uber driver. SWAT on standby. Negotiator? No! Find the sister in Memphis.

24. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, begins pleading with Ryan. She wants to talk to her family. Ryan won’t allow it. Why is he doing this? She failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and today he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

25. EXT. STATION – DAY

TV vans arrive. Reporters and camera men jump out.

26. INT. RECEPTION – DAY

The receptionist spies a TV van arriving outside and calls the manager.

27. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The manager steps from the control booth. He tells Sorensen about the media. Sorenson says no statements. Jason is probably watching TV. Lock down the station. Sorenson requests units for crowd control at the station.

28. RECEPTION – DAY

The barbarians are at the gate. The manager is stunned as he sees reporter outside the doors and more showing up.

29. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson still on the phone. Jason’s psychiatrist says Jason has missed last two appointment, but he can’t release the patient’s records without a court order. That will take too long.

30. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors her patient, but Ryan won’t allow Jason to return. “He’s weak and stupid. Like Freido, from the Godfather. Did she see that movie?” The clock is coming up on the first hour.

31. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson returns. He listens to Ellen and Ryan spar. He gets a call. The cops can’t get a fix on the husband’s phone. But the Uber driver who picked him up with their daughters did not complete the ride. His car’s GPS indicates he’s at home. And he’s not responding to calls. SWAT is enroute to the location.

Sorenson asks the producer how to communicate with Ellen and she types out a message for Ellen to read on her computer screen.

32. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is engaged with Ryan, talking him down. She reads the message.

INSERT SCREEN SHOT: Uber driver found. SWAT is close. Stall.

33. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan. It’s a hostage situation.

34. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages Ryan, still working him.

35. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT breaches the front door and storms inside.

36. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The Uber driver is dead, ducked taped to a chair and tortured. He’s been dead more than a day. SWAT finds the husband’s phone. The SWAT commander relays the message.

37. INT. CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Sorenson is informed. It’s not Jason. But they found the husband’s phone. Jason is using a spoof number, an App that uses her husband’s phone number to disguise his own.

38. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at the police incompetence, Ryan informs Ellen it’s time for her choose which member of her family must die. Unable to choose, Ryan threatens one of her daughters, and when Ellen pleads for her not to be harmed, Ryan tells her that she has chosen by default.

Ellen listens as Jason drags her husband, Roger, into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her just before Ryan shoots him on air. Ryan employs radio jargon about taking a break and hangs up.

Ellen flees from the booth through a secondary door, hysterical.

39. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson grabs her, and she falls into his arm on the floor, sobbing out of control. She says she’s going to be sick. He races her to the restroom.

40. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson tries to comfort her, to keep her strong. She slaps him hard, taking out her frustration on him. She collapses to the floor and tells him she cannot go on.

Sorenson tells her that Roger may be still alive, they “don’t know what we don’t know.” And she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.

41. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The station manager is handling the chaos. He’s on the phone with the station owner arguing over station policy, dead air, commercials. Finally, he slams down the phone, frustrated and angry.

42. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Still on the floor, Sorenson holds Ellen as she recovers from the shock. He asks what she can tell him about Jason. She says her old patient files are on her laptop in her office.

The producer enters. The caller is back on-air and asking for Ellen.

43. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, barely able to speak, sits back down at her microphone to engage with Jason/Ryan. But it’s someone new. A young boy, Bobby. Jason’s protective personality. She engages Bobby about her husband. Roger is dead in the room. The daughters are in another room. Ellen is silently breaking down.

44. INT. OFFICE – DAY

Sorenson opens and starts Ellen’s laptop. INSERT SHOT: In the FIND box, he types Jason’s full name. The file pops up. He opens it. We see his picture for the first time.

MIDPOINT

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen falters. She becomes silent, wiping tears. She goes deep into thought.

46. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Her producer, in tears herself, and station manager are worried. They try to get her to reengage Bobby. Sorenson enters carrying Jason’s printed patient file. Everyone looks to him concerned.

47. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

A determined visage appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions under control. She speaks with Bobby about Jason, about his past personalities, specifically one named William. Does Bobby remember William? The others wonder what she’s doing.

48. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson scans Jason’s patient file. He’s stunned by what he reads. He looks up at Ellen in shock, realizing what she intends. The William personality is manic-depressive and suicidal.

Sorenson warns Ellen that her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

49. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, stared down Sorenson and the others a vengeful glare, and turns. She’s determined to save her daughters – her way. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.

50. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson realizes Ellen’s in control now.

51. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen delves into Bobby’s memory to draw out William’s personality. Bobby resists. He never liked William.

52. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from the police. They have tracked down Jason’s sister. They transfer the call to him. He steps out to take the call.

53. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The sister tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air? He returns to the control booth.

54. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is still trying to draw out William. A message on the computer screen. Jason’s sister is on the phone. Ellen asks Bobby if Jason will speak to his sister. She puts the sister on air. Ellen listens to Jason’s sister plead for him to stop.

The power of the sister’s plea twists Ellen’s emotions, and we see her inner torment. But when the sister cannot convince Jason stop, Ellen she remains resolute, reaching deeper into Jason to draw William out.

55. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Based on the information from the sister, the department alerts Sorenson they may have a lead on Jason’s location. But they need time. Sorenson warns they’re running out of time!

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT

56. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William finally reveals himself. Although anguished by the harm she’s causing her patient, Ellen pushes him toward his depressive state. Does he want the death of her children on his conscience? She presses that the only way to stop Ryan is for William to kill him. But that means killing himself.

William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she presses. If he wants peace, he must find the strength to do what he knows he must do. Ellen pushes hard, her tears running, almost unable to speak, torturing herself, sacrificing her humanity to save her daughters.

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes again, realizing what Ellen is attempting to do, and threatens to kill one of her daughters.

57. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on the phone. They have a fix on Jason. Units are on the way.

58. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

The SWAT van and police cars, lights on, racing across the bridge. The scene is silent but for the VOICEOVER of Ellen manipulating William.

59. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen confronts Ryan, pitting William against him. She’s full psychiatric mode now. She sets the two personalities against one another. They flip back and forth, the gun in hand, fighting for dominance.

Sorenson signals five minutes away.

60. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team getting ready.

61. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushes William to take control and stop Ryan once and for all, to save her daughters.

62. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. Minutes away. Sorensen yells they’re running out of time.

CLIMAX

63. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushes even harder. The two personalities yelling, one then the next, like two people arguing. William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names. Don’t let Ryan kill them.

The gun goes off. Nothing. Silence.

Ellen stands, staring at everything and nothing. She looks to the others. They all wait, holding their breathes. We hear SWAT kick the door. Noise. Confusion. The call drops.

Ellen, almost unable to breathe.

Sorenson bursts into the studio. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe.

Ellen collapses, sobbing in Sorenson’s arms. “What did I do? What did I do?”

64. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen out to a waiting car. She’s wrapped in a blanket, emotionally drained.

65. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

66. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

67. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Sorenson enters the squad room. The detectives stand and applaud. He’s given a heroes’ welcome. His lieutenant tells him to take the rest of the day.

Sorenson sits at his desk as everyone gets back to work. He receives a call, a physician from a local clinic. The physician tells Sorenson that he had been holding Jason for observation at his clinic under a different name for the past 10 days. Confused, Sorenson opens his computer. What’s the name? Randy Armstrong. He’s in the system. Sorensen types in the other name.

COMPUTER SCREEN: Jason’s picture pops up under Randy Armstrong. The physician didn’t put the face to the name until he saw Jason’s picture television.

Frantic, Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file. He scans the names of his other personalities.

INSERT JASON’S FILE. Sorenson’s finger drags down the page and finds Randy Armstrong listed as one of Jason’s other personalities.

The physician tells Sorenson that Randy was released and picked up by an Uber ride matching the dead Uber driver’s car an hour before Ellen’s family was kidnapped.

Stunned, Sorenson realizes there had to be someone else involved.

CUT TO BLACK

VOICE OVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen.

DISSOLVE TO:

68. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICE OVER: A week has now passed. The host discusses the aftermath. One caller agrees with what Ellen did. Another doesn’t. The next caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan’s voice, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Pass #8: Cliché Busting

What I learned during this assignment:

My story takes place in one location, and to brainstorm cliches and create new scenes to accomplish my purpose was difficult. I had to reimagine the purpose of several scenes that act together.

I emphasize my character’s frustration the opening scenes, but now I think I should add humor to create some emotional variation before I put my protagonist through the coming horror.

CHOSEN SCENE 1: STUCK IN TRAFFIC

PURPOSE: To add frustration to Ellen’s morning and reveal the husband’s reasons for using Uber to take their children to school on his way to work.

IDEAS:

A. On a commuter bus, Ellen stands holding the rails while men sit. She’s on the phone with her ear pods arguing with her husband. She realizes everybody is listening when she hangs up, adding to her bad morning.

B. In the back of an Uber, being driver to work, she fights with her husband over a family problem that is not work related. He tells her that his Uber has arrived, which is normal – they both use Uber in the city – and hangs up.

C. Waking up at home and having breakfast with family before heading to work can demonstrate Ellen’s insecurities but also show family support. Her daughters can ask questions about her career to inform the audience and reveal the husband’s need to use Uber.

CHOSEN SCENE 2: CONFERENCE ROOM

PURPOSE: To show Ellen’s frustration with her low ratings and her career.

IDEAS:

A. She’s told she’d late for a meeting that she forgot only to be surprised by the station manager with a celebration for her ratings. The manager discusses the possibility of taking her show national, adding excitement for her career. The success of her career, however, will add strife to her already disrupted family life, which she and her producer can discuss.

B. She has a meeting scheduled with the station manager in his office, a one-on-one meeting about her show and her ratings. But he uses the opportunity to make a subtle pass at her, adding to the frustration of her morning.

C. Ellen arrives at the station in time to see everyone in the conference room filing out. She missed the meeting completely, and the station manager invites her to grab coffee at the coffee shop in the building.

CHOSEN SCENE 2: WOMEN’S ROOM CONVERSATION

PURPOSE: To discuss Ellen’s ratings and express her insecurities and self-doubt with her producer.

IDEAS:

A. Ellen stands on the roof of the building with the smokers and, though she doesn’t smoke, takes the cigarette from her producer to relieve tension and discuss their ratings and her situation.

B. In the women’s room, she takes out her frustration by talking to herself without realizing she in the men’s room until a male colleague flushes the toilet and steps from the stall. Her producer finds her, and they discuss the situation, keeping the other men out until they’re done.

C. In the maintenance closet, Ellen and her producer share a cigarette and discuss their problems with men and pump each other up with locker room bravado before their show to elevate the moment with humor.

D. In the technical room, Ellen’s producer plays an older recording of an on-air host that totally bombs out. This is mean to reinforce Ellen’s abilities and confidence before her show. It will create the humor before the emotional turbulence that follows.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Pass #7: Setup/Payoff Chains

What I learned during this assignment:

This method helped me zero in on specific moments of my outline to ensure the linear flow of each character. It also made me ignore the secondary details and just see the individual story and motivations of my characters.

I also realized I had multiple SP Chains. These are the one’s I improved for this assignment.

SP CHAIN 2: The multiple personalities are revealed.

SETUP: Jason calls Ellen’s show, and when Ellen tries to doctor her patient, he tells her that Ryan, the violent personality, has kidnapped her family and intends to kill them.

PAYOFF 1: Ryan is revealed when Ellen’s husband calls and confirms he and their daughters have been kidnapped. He now controls the game, and begins to pick at Ellen’s psyche, probing for her weakness.

PAYOFF 2: Ryan kills the husband, demonstrating his power.

PAYOFF 3: Bobby, the child personality, emerges as the patient’s protector. He allows Jason to hide from his responsibilities. Bobby likes Ellen, but he’s scared of Ryan. He won’t let Jason come back.

PAYOFF 4: Ellen discusses William, the manic-depressive personality, and encourages Bobby to let her speak to William. When Bobby resists, Ellen puts Jason’s sister on-air, and she convinces Bobby to let her speak with Jason.

PAYOFF 5: Ellen listens to Jason speak to his sister, but when she can’t convince Jason to stop, Ellen asked to speak with William and presses Jason to bring William forward.

PAYOFF 6: Det. Sorenson, holding Jason’s patient records, realizes and Ellen is attempting to do and informs everyone that William is a manic-depressive with suicidal tendencies.

PAYOFF 7: Ellen unearths William, the manic-depressive, but as she delves deeper into his personality, Ryan resurfaces and fights Ellen for control.

PAYOFF 8: Ellen pits William against Ryan until the William personality shoots himself, killing all the personalities, including Ryan.

PAYOFF 7: Det. Sorenson speaks with another psychiatrist and discovers Ryan is a completely different person.

PAYOFF 8: Ryan calls another radio show a week later and begins again.

This non-linear approach to my multiple personalities helped explore their motivations and how each one advances the story. I dealt with them as new characters with their own arcs.

=====

SP CHAIN 3: Ellen and Jason/Ryan dig into each other’s frailties and insecurities for control.

SETUP: An argument with her husband regarding their family and her career provokes Ellen’s insecurities and she wonders if she’s made the right career choice.

PAYOFF 1: Ellen meets with the station manager who informs her that her ratings are down. She spends too much time with one caller. She needs improve her on air skills or he may have to release her. Ellen allows her frustrations to overwhelm her and confesses her insecurities to her producer.

PAYOFF 3: Ellen’s first call confirms the station manager’s concerns, and Ellen watches him leave the control booth disappointed.

PAYOFF 4: Jason calls next and warns Ellen that his violent personality, Ryan, has kidnapped her family and intends to kill them. Unnerved, Ellen tries but is unable to contact her family, feeding her fears.

PAYOFF 5: Ryan, the violent personality, calls and confirms Ellen’s family has been kidnapped and threatens to kill them on air.

PAYOFF 6: Ellen tries to counsel Jason/Ryan not to harm her family, but she falls into the trap and allows Ryan to manipulate her insecurities. He digs at her guilt for abandoning her patients for a radio talk show.

PAYOFF 7: Ryan kills her husband; Ellen collapses emotionally.

PAYOFF 8: Ellen regains her mettle and flips the script, counseling Bobby, a childlike protective personality, asking if he remembers William, the manic-depressive personality.

PAYOFF 9: Ellen allows the patient’s sister to speak with the Bobby personality to draw out Jason, which works.

PAYOFF 10: When Jason returns, Ellen begins to push to speak with William. Jason resists.

PAYOFF 11: Ellen successfully unearths William’s personality and begins pushing him deeper into his manic-depressive state.

PAYOFF 12: Ryan reemerges and fights Ellen for control. She manipulates both personalities until we hear William fire the revolver and kill himself.

Non-linear editing for the sparing match between Ellen and the Jason/Ryan characters enabled me to improve and heighten the protagonist/antagonist conflict and pinpoint their tug-of-war throughout the script.

I also realized how to use the Ryan personality for Ellen’s transformation. Ryan now represents the resentment against Ellen for abandoning her patient (Jason) for a radio show. He assaults Ellen’s growing insecurity and guilt, which prevents her from saving her husband, but pushes her down a darker path to fulfill her character arc.

[Dana Abbott]

<div>Dana’s Act 4 First Scenes</div><div>

I’m almost home.

</div>

What have I learned from this assignment?

This assignment forced me to envision the climax I didn’t envision, even during the outlining phase. I had to come up with a great ending and putting my protagonists in the hands of the antagonists to face their final dilemma forced me to reconsider my climax and write additional scene for my 3^rd Act Turning point. But know I have it!

Dilemma: Jack’s daughter is kidnapped by Hill and his goons. He threatens to kill her if Jack and Frank don’t sacrifice themselves and turn over the missing hard drive.

Key Scene 1: Reaction to 3^rd Act Turning Point

BEGINNING: Jack and Frank return to the Russian Social Club. Oksana allows them to select weapons and offers to help, but she cannot intervene due to politics with the other families. What’s the plan? Frank asks if Oksana has C-4?

MIDDLE: They get the call from Hill. They agree to meet at an abandoned steel mill. Jack and Frank know it’s a trap. Jack warns Hill they know who he is and that they know the governor is the father of Marcus Jones. If the daughter is killed, it all gets exposed.

END: Frank and Oksana say their goodbyes. Their relationship was business, but they have true affection for each other. Okasan gives the order, and everyone loads into her limousine.

Key Scene 2: Protagonist faces their Dilemma

BEGINNING: Oksana’s limousine arrives at the abandoned steel mill. Oksana’s team steps out with their automatic weapons. Jack and Frank next. Oksana last. Hill is on the other side with Simon and his team. They have Jack’s daughter with them, her head covered.

MIDDLE: Hill and Jack present themselves and show the hard drive. Hill removes the cover from Bridget to show the girl is okay. They release her, and Oksana calls to the girl, telling her she’s going to take her home to her mother. Bridget starts slow, then runs right to Oksana passed her father. Jack looks at her, knowing he will never know his daughter.

END: Oksana puts the girl in the car, gives Frank one last glance, then she and her team leave in the limousine. Jack and Frank surrender to Hill and his team with the hard drive.

EXT. ABANDONED STEEL MILL – NIGHT

Dark and shadowed, the spires reaching into the night.

From a distance, headlights turn onto the grounds, and a car snakes through the skeletal remains of the abandoned mill.

Simon’s Mercedes rolls slowly between the structures.

EXT. TRAILER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

It’s weathered but newer than the mill, tucked away among the shadows. Lights inside are on. A sedan and a truck are parked outside.

Headlights flash over the building. The Mercedes rolls up and parks.

Simon climbs from his Mercedes. He scans his surroundings, cautious, and heads inside.

INT. TRAILER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Bosch and Loam sit on a couch. Hill sits behind the desk at the far end. They hear someone coming. Bosch and Loam reach for their holsters.

Hill stands and waves them off, heading for the door.

HILL

Relax.

Simon enters, calm, cool. He spies the two men on the couch and instantly judges them as no threat.

HILL (CONT’D)

(to Simon)

Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to call you.

SIMON

(judging the trailer)

Is this your pied-à-terre?

HILL

It belongs to a friend. He let’s me use it from time to time.

SIMON

Why am I here?

Hill moves to a door and pushes it open. Simon takes a step closer and looks into the room.

Bridget Donovan is curled up on a cot, tied, her head covered by a black hood. Simon seethes at the sight of her.

HILL

Donovan’s ex-wife’s kid. It’s been arranged. While you’ve been dickin’ around, I’ve been earning my keep.

Simon remains cool.

SIMON

I didn’t agree to this. I don’t kidnap children.

Hill slams the door closed, pissed.

HILL

Yeah? Well, from where I sit, Mr. Hitman, you don’t seem do much of anything. Maybe we don’t need you at all. Maybe we never did.

Simon looks over the sullen faces of Bosch and Loam, figuring the situation, then back at Hill.

SIMON

What’s your play?

HILL

Donovan and Valentino and the hard drive for the girl.

SIMON

And then what? They’re just going to walk in here and let you shoot them?

Simon half laughs, incredulous.

SIMON (CONT’D)

You don’t get it, do you? That’s not Donovan’s ex-wife’s kid. That’s Donovan’s kid. She’s his daughter.

Hill goes white. Bosch and Loam exchange fearful looks.

SIMON (CONT’D)

You fucking idiots.

HILL

Yeah? Well — even better. She’ll guarantee they show up.

SIMON

What happens after? What if her parents call the police and she tells her story?

HILL

They know better. And she didn’t see a thing. A bag over her head and in the car.

SIMON

She’s heard your voices.

HILL

Then maybe mommy and daddy will have an accident, too.

SIMON

Another Douglas Hill special? No wonder my client called me in.

HILL

(insulted)

Yeah?

Hill grabs a ski mask off a table.

HILL (CONT’D)

(to Bosch an Loam)

Masks!

Hill pulls his mask on and waits for Bosch and Loam to do the same. Hill gives Simon one last stare, then bursts into the side room.

INT. ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Hill grabs Heidi off the cot. She YELPS, frightened. Hill stands her on her feet and walks her into —

INT. TRAILER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Hill stands her in front of Simon and yanks off her hood. Heidi blinks her eyes, adjusting to the sudden light. She look directly at Simon, scared to death.

HILL

There. Now she knows your face. And that puts you in the same boat with us, doesn’t it, Mr. Hitman?

Simon gazes down at Heidi with regret and compassion for the girl. His eyes roll up to Hill. But there’s no compassion for Hill.

CUT TO:

INT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – NIGHT

Oksana relaxes in a high-back chair, steeping her tea on the table beside her. She’s watching Jack pace. Pissed. Anxious.

OKSANA

You understand I can only help you so far. I cannot intercede on your behalf. Newbaum belongs to another family.

Jack stops, faces her.

JACK

Politics is politics.

OKSANA

Yes.

Jack looks at Frank, seated at a table savoring a whiskey.

Oksana’s cell phone RINGS. She looks at the number before she answers.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Yes?

She extends the phone to Jack.

JACK

Donovan?

INT. TRAILER OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Hill sits at the desk in the half light from the lamp.

HILL

I didn’t know she was your daughter when I grabbed her. But now that I do, it makes our business that much more interesting, don’t you think?

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

JACK

One hair, you fuck. One hair, and I’ll make sure suffer before you die.

HILL

From your grave? I don’t believe in ghosts.

JACK

You should. Because I intend to haunt you to the gates of hell — Douglas.

Hill’s breath is suddenly stolen.

Oksana and Frank exchange glances, concerned Jack identified Douglas by name.

JACK (CONT’D)

Douglas Hill. Head of security for Governor Newbaum. AG investigator on the Marcus Jones case. You soiled the sheets on that one, didn’t you? You turned off the cameras in the holding cells, but you forgot about the camera in the security station. You should have been a movie star. The camera loves you.

HILL

I want the hard drive.

JACK

I can hear that in your voice.

HILL

Copies?

JACK

That’s something you’re always going to wonder about. But as long as nothing bad ever happens to my daughter, you don’t have to worry. But if something does happen, if she disappears one day, if she has an accident, falls off her bike and skins her knee, anything — well, what do you think the governor’s friends will do to protect their investment?

HILL

You, your partner, the hard drive. One hour. The abandoned steel mill on the edge of town. Don’t be late.

Hill hangs up.

INT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – CONTINUOUS

Jack hands Oksana her phone.

OKSANA

That was impressive — and a little reckless.

JACK

Bluff is all I have.

OKSANA

Let’s hope he doesn’t call you on it.

JACK

Can you ensure my daughter’s safety? Make sure she gets back to her mother?

OKSANA

I can. But what’s your plan.

JACK

Kill’em all.

OKSANA

That’s a good plan. But how do you intend to do it once you surrender?

Frank gulps his whiskey.

FRANK

(to Oksana)

You have any C-4 laying around?

Oksana looks to Frank, then to Jack, ponders the question — maybe — and sips her tea.

CUT TO:

INT. FACTORY BUILDING – ABANDONED STEEL MILL – NIGHT

Hill, Bosch, Loam, Simon, and Heidi stand beside the Ford sedan, hidden behind the headlights that signal the exchange.

They wear ski masks and carry automatic weapons, everyone but Simon, who stands behind Heidi, almost protecting her from the others.

Heidi’s head is still covered by a hood.

Headlights flash at the opposite end of the open factory and a limousine turns in and drives slowly toward the group.

HILL

Get ready.

Automatic weapons are COCKED.

The limousine drives up and stops a good distance from Hill’s group. The headlights remain on.

The ground between the cars is lit for the exchange. The rest of the factory is in shadows.

The limousine doors open. Jack and Frank step out, followed by four Russians with automatic weapons who assume defensive positions just behind the light.

Oksana slides out from the back seat.

Hill watches the far group carefully.

Simon narrows his eyes, trying to see through the lights.

Oksana looks to Jack and nods. She then looks to Frank, maybe for the last time. Frank smiles. She puts a hand to his face. It’s a tender moment for them.

HILL (CONT’D)

Get on with it.

Oksana nods, and Jack and Frank step into the light. They’re both strapped. Jack with the magnum; Frank with the .45 auto. They raise their hands. Jack holds up the hard disk.

HILL (CONT’D)

That’s far enough.

JACK

Where my —

(catching himself)

Where’s Heidi?

Hill looks to Simon.

Simon removes Heidi’s mask. She blinks terribly, her eyes adjusting to the blinding lights.

SIMON

Okay, honey. Walk toward those two men. And don’t look back.

Heidi starts to walk, fearful, her steps short and hesitant. She moves into the light.

Jack now sees her.

JACK

C’mon, Heidi. It’s okay. Keep coming.

HILL

Start walking. Keep your hands up.

Jack and Frank start toward Hill’s group.

Heidi still hesitates, scared.

JACK

It’s okay, Heidi. Don’t be scared. I’m your —

Frank looks to Jack, concerned he’s about to tell Heidi the truth.

JACK (CONT’D)

I’m your —

(beat)

I’m a friend of your mother’s. We’re hear to take you home.

HILL

Heartwarming. Let’s go.

JACK

Oksana?

Oksana steps into the light and opens her arms.

OKSANA

Come, Heidi. Momma’s waiting for you.

Heidi, seeing a woman, walks faster, then faster. Then she runs.

Jack watches his daughter run passed him. He stops to watch as Heidi runs into Oksana’s arms. This is the closest he’s going to come to his daughter. It’s written on his face. His eyes tearing.

Oksana puts Heidi in the back of the limousine. She looks up at Frank one last time.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Pupsick…?

Frank winks back at her, even though he can barely see her.

Oksana gets in the limousine. Her men climb in after her.

Jack and Frank resume walking toward Hill.

The limousine backs out of the factory slowly.

HILL

Close enough.

Jack and Frank stop.

HILL (CONT’D)

On your knees. Let’s go.

Jack and Frank drop to their knees. Bosch and Loam strip their weapons. Bosch takes the hard drive from Jack and hands it to Hill.

The limousine backs out of the factory, turns and drives off.

Jack watches the limo with his daughter leave as he and Frank are handcuffed, their arms twisted behind their backs.

Jack and Frank stood up and walked to the sedan.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

ScreenwritingU

30 Day Script – Day 20 Assignment: Finish Act 3

Dana’s Completed Act 3

What have I learned from this assignment?

I wrote my outlines at one time, so there were no other outlines to complete for this assignment. I learned, however, to write the Reaction Scene and my Turning Point first to keep my Middle Scenes in sync with the storyline and plotting.

SCRIPT – ACT 3

INT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – NIGHT

It’s a dark, long, private club. Very few people, shadows of people, mostly men.

OKSANA VOLKOV, 50’s, elegant, long raven-black hair, black attire, formidable. She sits at a private roundtable in the very back steeping her Russian tea.

A RUSSIAN BODYGUARD slides up and quietly whispers in her ear. She listens, approves and nods. The bodyguard signals another.

Frank and Jack are ushered into view by another bodyguard. Frank stands in front. He seems to know what’s happening. Jack is wary and uncertain.

Oksana smiles a subtle, patient smile.

OKSANA

Frank Valentino. We meet in the flesh — after all these years. And this must be the notorious Jack Donovan. I’ve heard about you.

(beat)

Please. Sit.

Jack and Frank take opposite sides, placing Oksana in the middle of the conversation to come.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Would you care for some tea? It’s Russian. So be warned.

FRANK

I could use some coffee.

OKSANA

(smiling)

Of course.

(to a bodyguard)

Bring two espressos for our guests. They look in need of a jolt.

Oksana waves off he other bodyguard for privacy. She stirs her tea pensively.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Okay, gentlemen. What brings you here to see me on this fine day?

FRANK

You know I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to be.

OKSANA

Nobody ever wants to be here, Frank. You, of all people, know that.

Oksana sips her tea. She and Frank are sharing a moment. Jack watches their interaction, somewhat lost.

FRANK

We need your help.

OKSANA

I’m sure you do. Torturing and killing that poor technician and his wife. You’re wanted men now.

JACK

We didn’t kill anybody.

OKSANA

That was your defense at your last trial. How did it work out for you?

A man brings Jack and Frank their coffees and quickly leaves.

FRANK

We need a place to lay low. Figure things out.

OKSANA

I never refuse an accommodation. But nothing is free. My help comes with a price. And you know what I want.

JACK

What in the hell are you doing? Asking her for help? Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you want us to be obligated? Do you know who she is?

Oksana remains patient, smiling and sipping her tea. She looks to Frank.

OKSANA

He doesn’t know, does he?

Frank says nothing.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Frank did favors for us while he was in prison. A witness here. An informant there.

Jack looks across the table at his partner, staggered. Frank just stars back, no emotion.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Don’t judge your partner too harshly, Mr. Donovan. Prison has a way of bringing out a man’s more animal nature — as I’m sure you know. And serving our interests kept him alive…

(beat)

And you.

Jack shoots a stare at Oksana.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Do you really think you survived prison by hiding in your little cell? Frank traded lives, his and yours, for men of less importance.

JACK

I didn’t ask him to do that.

OKSANA

Nonetheless, you’re here now due to your partner’s altruism. You should thank him. Without our protection, you would have been dead within six months of going inside. Governor Newbaum’s friends have a very long reach.

JACK

The governor?

OKSANA

You didn’t know?

Oksana studies the numb faces at her table. She feigns anger at herself.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

When will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut? It’s one of my biggest faults. Second to vengeance.

(she sips her tea)

Prosecuting you put the governor into office, but he needed to guarantee your conviction. That’s why he prosecuted you himself.

JACK

How do you know this?

OKSANA

Some rumors ring more true than others.

FRANK

Do you have your hooks in him?

OKSANA

No. And we don’t pilfer. But from time to time, we paid his friends for his services.

(she sips her tea)

Cultivating a politician takes time and money. Like a great artist or a writer. But even the most obedient pets run from their masters. It’s important to remind them who they serve.

JACK

And we’re the reminder.

OKSANA

His friends were concerned that he would forget them on his political ascension to Washington.

FRANK

And that’s why they got us out of prison?

OKSANA

Your pawns in a three dimensional game of chess with many players.

Jack and Frank look across the table at each other, finally recognizing the real power they’re up against.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

You’ve been so focused on the who of things, you would have been better served to focus on the why.

FRANK

You just told us why.

OKSANA

Not the why of you.

JACK

You mean Marcus Jones.

Oksana tips her cup of tea to Jack.

FRANK

Why don’t you tell us?

CLOSE SHOT – OKSANA

She smiles wrily, her cup to her lips.

OKSANA

What would be the fun of that?

She winks, smiles and sips her tea.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – GOVERNOR’S HOME – NIGHT

Newbaum, angry and frustrated, paces back and forth. Douglas Hill stands near the door, listening.

Margery is more poised, allowing her husband to vent.

NEWBAUM

I don’t believe this. I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!

(to Hill)

How could you let this happen? You were supposed to muscle these guys out of state. And now they’re out there taking revenge on everybody who put them away!

HILL

They can’t get to you, governor, if that’s what you’re concerned about.

NEWBAUM

What makes you so sure? Because you’ve done such a bang-up job so far? And don’t think for one minute you’re not in their crosshairs.

MARGERY

Relax. Douglas is right. You’re not in any physical danger. But we have to repair the damage and protect your legacy.

NEWBAUM

My legacy? And exactly what is my legacy, Margery? My prison reform program just let out to maniacs!

Newbaum stops, thinking, dejected.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)

I’ll have to withdraw from VP consideration.

Margery doesn’t like that news.

MARGERY

Douglas? Will you excuse us?

HILL

Of course.

Hill closes the door softly behind him.

Newbaum looks at his wife, mystified.

NEWBAUM

What?

MARGERY

You’re not withdrawing from anything. Do you understand? We’ve come too far. We’ve been preparing for this opportunity since law school. And now that we’re a breath away from the vice presidency, you want to hide like a nervous virgin on her wedding night? It’s time for you to strap on your jock step into the game.

NEWBAUM

What do you suggest I do, Margery? The press is killing me on this.

MARGERY

You do what all good politicians do. You pivot. You’ll hold a press conference tomorrow and talk about the rule of law. You’ll praise the merits of your program but put the blame on the parole board for not consulting you before they released these two men. You will call them by name and assure the public they will be found and punished. I’ll make sure you receive the right questions from the right reporters. And you’ll show the public you’re not afraid — and spin this moment into victory.

NEWBAUM

Maybe they should offer you the vice presidency.

MARGERY

Don’t think I wouldn’t accept it. My ambitions exceed far beyond your ego. Or do you honestly think I’ve stayed with you all these years just play the admiring wife and revel in your achievements? I’ve tolerated your whores and your affairs, the stupid little girls that bring you coffee. Who do think hired your chief of staff? It was safer for you to be involved with one whore than aiming that thing of yours at every bitch in heat.

Newbaum is dumbfounded, gazing at his wife, embarrassed.

MARGERY (CONT’D)

I’ve cleaned up after your messes for years to protect our political future. And tomorrow, when you step before the public, you’re going to prove to me that you were worth it.

NEWBAUM

What have you done?

MARGERY

What you never had the balls to do.

Margery heads for the doors.

MARGERY (CONT’D)

Get some sleep. I don’t want you looking ragged tomorrow.

Margery leaves Newbaum standing in the middle of the room, totally alone.

CUT TO:

EXT. SWIMMING POOL – UNDERWATER – NIGHT

Jorgensen’s body slides into the water buck naked, drugged. He floats for a moment.

EXT. SWIMMING POOL – JORGENSEN’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Simon stands at the edge of the pool making sure Jorgensen doesn’t recover and swim out. His phone BUZZES.

SIMON

Hello? — I’m taking care of that now.

(he listens)

Yes, I heard. I assumed your Mr. Hill was up to his usual stellar performance.

(he listens)

That surprises me. I knew Valentino had the sand, but not Donovan. He’s still clinging to his last remnants of humanity.

INT. A ROOM IN THE GOVERNOR’S HOME – CONTINUOUS

Margery is on her cell phone.

MARGERY

I need that hard drive. And if not them, then who? If there’s another player, we need to know.

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

SIMON

That’s not our arrangement.

MARGERY

It’s in your best interest as well as mine. I’m not the one who went into that little shit’s cell that night. I’ll make it worth your while. But I need this resolved in forty-eight hours.

SIMON

I’ll see what I can do. But try to keep Mr. Hill on a lease. He tries to impress the governor too much.

Margery hangs up. Woorried.

EXT. SWIMMING POOL – JORGENSEN’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Simon puts his phone away. He watches Jorgensen for a moment. Satisfied the man’s dead, he heads out.

Jorgensen floats in the pool.

CUT TO:

INT. A LOUNGE – NIGHT

The room has a decided Russian flair to the furnishings.

Frank pours two whiskeys from a snifter.

He hands a glass to Jack sitting in a chair. Jack takes it, reluctantly. His mind is elsewhere.

JACK

What did you do for these people?

FRANK

It’s blood under the bridge.

JACK

Not any more. You’ve compromised me. Whatever you owe them, I now owe them.

FRANK

Whatever I’ve done is on me, not you. Oksana knows that.

Jack can’t sit still, and frustrated, shoots from his chair.

JACK

Oksana Volkov doesn’t forgive debt. I know what she did to her uncle.

Frank ignores his friend and slides in chair.

JACK (CONT’D)

(staring into his drink)

You’ve cursed us both. I’ll never get back to my daughter.

FRANK

Take a drink.

Jack signs heavy, then swallows his whiskey in a gulp.

FRANK (CONT’D)

The rumors about her uncle are false.

(long beat)

It was her father.

JACK

Oh, that’s much better. How you know you can even trust her? She could be selling us out right now.

FRANK

Oksana may be a gangster, but she’s also Russian. They never backstab a deal. It’s bad for business. That makes this place the safest hole in town. And right now, we have every cop and state agency looking for us. We need to lay low and figure this shit out. So before you curse us to eternal damnation, pour yourself a drink and chill.

Jack pours himself another whiskey.

JACK

Why would Newbaum want Marcus Jones killed?

FRANK

A twenty-year-old black activist? He was a threat of some kind. And remember, Newbaum was the AG back then.

JACK

Riding our ass to the governor’s mansion.

(thinking)

We need to find someone who knew this kid.

FRANK

Who? The family won’t talk to us, even if you could find them.

JACK

Then maybe we should to talk to Marcus himself.

A KNOCK on the door.

Oksana enters without being invited in.

OKSANA

Good evening, gentlemen. I hope you find these accommodations to your satisfaction.

JACK

They’re fine. Thank you.

OKSANA

I’ll station one of my men outside at the door. If you need anything during the night, just ask him.

(looking to Frank)

I heading to bed.

Jack’s not sure why she’s telling them this. Frank hesitates, gulp his drink, and with a sheepish look to Jack, stands and joins Oksana.

JACK

You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?

OKSANA

Would you care for companionship?

JACK

No, thank you.

OKSANA

I’m sure your partner will tell you about it in the morning — but not too early. Good night, Mr. Donovan.

Oksana leaves. Frank shrugs at Jack and follows her out.

Jack, alone, shakes his head and finishes his drink.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM – DAY

CLOSE SHOT – NEWBAUM

NEWBAUM

Events over the past twenty-four hours shock the conscience.

Newbaum stands at a podium. Margery and Calvin Brown stand on opposite sides like bookends behind him, framed by American flags. The press — unseen – tosses questions at him.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)

The murders of Donald Armstrong and his wife, Barbara, were both brutal and cold-blooded. My office is now coordinating with local, state and federal agencies in the manhunt for Jack Donovan and Frank Valentino, both believed armed and dangerous. Civilized society cannot and will not tolerate lawless and barbaric behavior. We will bring these men to justice for the heinous murders they have committed.

The press ERUPT in a BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)

Yes?

REPORTER 1 (O.S.)

Given these murders were committed by men released under your early release program, do you think the program is in jeopardy?

NEWBAUM

The program has demonstrated a low recidivism rate based on the number of prisoners qualified for release. These murders are an anomaly. It’s unfortunate the parole board didn’t consult with me before releasing these men. I would have advised against it. And while adjustments may be necessary, I still believe prison reform is a humane endeavor.

(pointing)

Yes?

REPORTER 2

Have the police determined a motive for these killings?

NEWBAUM

I don’t believe I should comment on the details of the investigation.

(pointing)

Yes?

REPORTER 3

Marty Jorgensen, the parole officer for both Donovan and Valentino, was found drowned in his swimming pool. And Charles Lunger, the guard who testified at trial against both men, was killed in an explosion at his home. Do the police suspect these deaths may be related?

NEWBAUM

Not to my knowledge. Mr. Lunger’s death has been ruled an accident. And Mr. Jorgensen was apparently intoxicated. Their deaths are a coincidence, not a conspiracy.

(pointing)

Yes?

REPORTER 4

Do you believe releasing Donovan and Valentino will now impact your chances to become VP on the ticket?

NEWBAUM

I’m not concerned with politics at this time. I’m focused on bringing these men to justice.

REPORTER 5

I notice Calvin Brown with you at the podium? Is there a reason for his involvement today?

NEWBAUM

Mr. Brown is here on an advisory capacity and is representing the Jones family during this crisis. Thank you very much.

Newbaum waves and leaves the podium, followed by Margery and Brown. A BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS follow after him.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

A family plot with a large headstone reading Jones Family. A bouquet of wilted flower in a vase. Three gravestones read:

Roberta Robbins Marcus Jones Henry Jones

1969 to 1997 1990 to 2010 1940 – 2015

The plot is for four. An empty plot sits nest to Henry Jones.

MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

This is it. The Jones family plot.

The CEMETERY MANAGER stands next to Jack and Frank. The three of them stare down at the gravestones.

MANAGER

We buried the father a few years ago. Nice family. Not a lot of mourners, though. His wife and a few friends.

JACK

You remember his burial?

MANAGER

After what those cops did to his son, it’s hard to forget. I hope they rot in hell.

Jack and Frank glance at one another.

FRANK

How’d he die?

MANAGER

Heart attack, I think.

JACK

Who’s the lady on the end?

The manager flips through papers on his clipboard.

MANAGER

Roberta Robbins. It says here she was a niece. Why did you guys say you’re interested?

JACK

Routine. The insurance company is crossing T’s, dotting I’s. Do you have an address for the family?

MANAGER

Maybe back at the office. I don’t know how current it is.

FRANK

Those roses look fresh. Is somebody maintaining the plot?

MANAGER

A flower company arrives every two weeks. The driver swaps out the old with the new. Been doing it since the boy died.

FRANK

You know the name?

MANAGER

(trying to remember)

Mae Flowers — I think. With an E. Anyway, I should probably get back. Stop into the office on your way out. I’ll give you what we have.

The manager heads back to the office.

FRANK

You see what I see? Daddy was a fucking senior citizen. He was fifty when the kid was born.

JACK

I remember the parents in court. It always struck me odd how old they looked. More like grandparents.

FRANK

What are we looking at here? Daddy and his baby momma?

JACK

Would you let your husband bury his baby momma in the family plot?

FRANK

Then what?

JACK

Not sure. But I know who we can ask. Do you remember the name of Mrs. Jones?

FRANK

(remembering)

Mae — with an E.

CUT TO:

INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Newbaum storms in followed by Margery and Brown.

NEWBAUM

(sarcastic)

Well, that went well.

MARGERY

You stopped the bleeding.

NEWBAUM

Are you kidding? They’re asking about Jorgensen and that dumb-ass guard. It they put those bodies on Donovan and Valentino, you can kiss the VP goodbye.

BROWN

You were forceful and direct in your response. Those questions won’t go anywhere.

NEWBAUM

You’d better hope they don’t. I’m not the only one here with my ass hanging out.

BROWN

My hands get singed, not burned.

NEWBAUM

Donovan and Valentino are working their way up the food chain. And they won’t stop at your hands.

A KNOCK on the door, and Douglas Hill enters.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)

Where have you been?

Hill stops, stunned by the attack.

MARGERY

Douglas is head of your security team. He’s your liaison with law enforcement.

Newbaum waves a hand.

NEWBAUM

Fine. What have you learned?

HILL

Donovan and Valentino have gone underground. Word is they’re with the Russians now.

NEWBAUM

Oh, shit — Shit!

HILL

Valentino did favors for Oksana Volkov while he was inside.

MARGERY

What sort of favors?

HILL

Bodies.

NEWBAUM

Shit.

MARGERY

(to Brown)

Do we have any inroads there?

BROWN

I have clients who have friends in that world. I can make a few calls.

HILL

Oksana Volkov has a reputation for being loyal. And rumor has it — she and Valentino share a bed. She won’t give him up.

NEWBAUM

Fucking great! What am I suppose to do, sit here and wait for them to knock on the front door?

HILL

There may be a way to flush them out.

CLOSE SHOT – HILL

HILL (CONT’D)

But it’s ugly.

CUT TO:

EXT. MAE’S FLOWER SHOP – DAY

It’s a small, corner shop in the downtown. Lots of traffic and walk in customers.

INT. MAE’S FLOWER SHOP – CONTINUOUS

JILL, 30’s, a young girl wearing a florist apron stands at the counter completing an order for an older woman.

JILL

Okay, Mrs. Green. Your order is in the system. And we’ll have those daisies sent to your granddaughter the first of next week.

MRS. GREEN

She just moved into her college dorm. And daisies are her favorite.

JILL

I’m sure she’ll appreciate them.

MRS. GREEN

Thank you for your help. Goodbye, now.

JILL

Goodbye.

Mrs. Green heads for the front door. We hear the BELL RING when she opens the door.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Jill?

Jill looks to –

MAE FLOWERS, late 60’s, African American, grey hair, stands in the open door to the back office.

MAE

Why don’t you take your lunch now while it’s slow.

JILL

Are you sure?

MAE

Yes. It’s fine. Lock up when you leave and remember to put out the return sign.

JILL

Okay, Mrs. Jones.

Jill takes off her apron and gets ready to leave.

Mae closes the office door.

INT. OFFICE – FLOWER SHOP – CONTINUOUS

Mae closes the door and locks it. Jack stands behind the door. Mae is nervous, but in control. She looks to Jack. He motions her to a chair.

Frank stands next to chair. Mae sits down, carefully. The BELL RINGS — Jill has left the store. They’re alone.

MAE

Are you going to kill me?

JACK

No, Mrs. Jones. We’re not here to harm you.

MAE

I don’t have much money. My husband spent most of the settlement before he died.

FRANK

Twenty million dollars?

MAE

He acted like he’d won the lottery. Cars. Boats. Trips. Gambling. Other women. To him it was found money.

(beat)

And after the lawyer took his cut, all the other snakes descended on us. I was luck to have enough to buy this shop.

Jack sits down next to her.

JACK

I — we — always wanted to tell you how sorry we were about your son. But you have to know, Mrs. Jones, Frank and I didn’t kill Marcus.

Mae looks at both of them, not believing them.

JACK (CONT’D)

Marcus suffered from an disease that wouldn’t allow his blood to clot. He bled faster than anyone thought. The FBI report proved it. He was killed by someone at the station after he was put in the holding cell, but not by us.

Mae looks at them again, sheepish, almost guilty.

MAE

I know.

FRANK

Wait. What? What do you mean, you know?

MAE

Mr. Brown told my husband and me about the report before the civil trial started. He told us that it wasn’t our responsibility to fix the district attorney’s mistake. And if we did, we wouldn’t find justice for Marcus. He said if we went public about Marcus’ condition, no-one would be held accountable for his death.

FRANK

You mean you wouldn’t get paid.

Mae says nothing.

JACK

That’s not the reason you went along with it, though, was it?

MAE

My husband wasn’t an easy man to live with. And we were desperate for the money. He thought it would solve all of our problems. It just created more.

(almost pleading)

I am sorry for what happened to you. I truly am. I never wanted any of this to happen, but I didn’t know the right thing to do.

JACK

It’s not your fault, Mrs. Jones. But we need to know the truth now.

(beat)

Was Marcus your son?

MAE

No. He was my niece’s boy, Roberta.

FRANK

Why the lie?

MAE

Roberta was a prostitute. Her mother — my sister– was a drug addict. Heroine. And she let the street raise her daughter. And one day, Roberta got pregnant by a boy. A college student. A john. When she decided to not get an abortion, I thought her having a baby would get Roberta off the street, that she’d be a good mom. But after Marcus was born, she tried to blackmail the boy who got her pregnant. His family was rich, and she thought he’d pay to keep his black son a secret.

JACK

What happened to her?

MAE

A month after she blackmailed the boy, she was killed in a hit and run. The police never found the car. Not that they tried, given Roberta was a prostitute.

FRANK

Who was the father?

MAE

Roberta never told me. I guess she thought she was protecting us. But after she was killed, we decided to raise Marcus as our own to protect him. But my husband never wanted to have children. And as Marcus grew up, he and Henry fought — a lot. They did battle. And then one day, Henry to Marcus the truth, where he came from. That he was the son of a prostitute.

JACK

He went to find his real father, didn’t he?

MAE

He became obsessed with knowing. He even attended the same school his father attend just to find him.

FRANK

Did he?

MAE

He never told me.

JACK

But you know who he is, don’t you?

Mae nods.

MAE

Governor Newbaum is Marcus’ real father.

The realization hits both men hard. Frank turns away, his hands combing through his hair in frustration.

FRANK

Oh, Jesus!

JACK

How did you find out?

MAE

Marcus joined every activist group on campus. He protested everything. Racism, war, police. He was angry at the world. He hated everything and everybody. But he was obsessed with one person.

JACK

Newbaum.

MAE

Marcus new his father wanted to be governor and attended every rally where he spoke. He became a thorn in the attorney general’s backside. He spoke against him, challenged him to debates. Anything to get his father’s attention.

JACK

And when Newbaum’s security team did a background check, Newbaum discovered Marcus was his son from his mother’s name on his birth certificate.

Mae nods.

FRANK

Why didn’t you bring this out back then?

MAE

Mr. Brown said it would muddy the waters. That the motive needed to be about race to get real justice.

JACK

It wasn’t justice. Brown used what he knew to blackmail his way into power. Anybody who needed a favor from the governor would have to go through him. And that’s why Newbaum pressed the city to settle your civil suit before our trial, to cover up his motive and make our trail about race.

FRANK

The man murdered his own son and prosecuted us to give himself the governor’s office.

MAE

So what happens now?

Frank and Jack glance at one another.

JACK

You may have to hide for awhile. The governor is cleaning up his mess, eliminating witnesses.

FRANK

And framing us — again.

Frank’s phone RINGS and he steps aside to answer it.

MAE

I can’t leave. I have my business, my home, my life.

JACK

It’s won’t be forever. Just a few weeks.

Frank stands across the room, speaking to Oksana on the phone.

OKSANA (O.S.)

(On phone)

I’m sorry, Frank. I would never be the one to deliver this message if I didn’t have to. But they called me to get to you.

FRANK

What is it?

OKSANA (O.S.)

(on phone)

You need to have your partner call his wife.

(beat)

His daughter has been taken.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Janice answers the door and Jack storms inside followed by Frank. Janice is frantic. She’s been crying, her eyes red.

JACK

Where is she?

JANICE

Gone! You bastard. I knew this had to be you. My daughter’s been taken because of you!

Janice slaps Jack across the face. Jack accepts it, and Janice backs away, face in her hands.

MARK JACOBS, Janice’s husband, takes Janice in his arms to calm her down.

MARK

We got a call from some man. He put Heidi on the phone. He told us not to call the police. That he’d be in touch.

JANICE

Who has my daughter?

JACK

I don’t know.

JANICE

Liar! You know exactly who has her. This is about you. About you and that boy you killed. You and your fucking partner!

The house phone on a side table RINGS. Everyone stops.

Jack answers the call.

JACK

Donovan.

HILL (O.S.)

(on phone)

We have your daughter.

JACK

What do you want?

HILL (O.S.)

(on phone)

You. And your partner. And the hard drive you took from the technician.

Jack hesitates, a furrowed brow. Confused.

HILL (O.S.) (CONT’D)

(on phone)

Personally, I never thought you had in you. The technician maybe. But the wife? That was fucked up.

(beat)

You still there?

JACK

I want proof of life.

A moment, soft SOUNDS. Then…

HEIDI (O.S.)

(oh phone; afraid)

Mommy?

Before Jack can speak, she’s gone. Jack fumes.

HILL (O.S.)

(on phone)

You know the score. No tricks. Just you and your partner. You lives for hers. Or she’s dead.

JACK

Where?

HILL (O.S.)

(on phone)

Call your Russian girlfriend in an hour. She’ll give you directions.

(beat)

Don’t fuck this up.

The phone goes dead.

JACK

She’s alive.

Janice nearly collapses in grief.

JACK (CONT’D)

They’ll trade. Heidi for us.

(to Frank)

And they want the technician’s hard drive.

FRANK

They don’t have it.

(beat)

Then who does?

Jack looks at Mark.

JACK

You’re a tech guy. You have a spare hard drive around here? The older the better.

MARK

I can find one. It’s encrypted.

JACK

Get it.

Mark heads off to find a hard drive.

FRANK

Where and when?

JACK

They’ll call your friend in an hour, give us directions.

(to Janice)

Get out of the house. Pack a bag and disappear. Find a cheap motel, something out of the way. I’ll call your cell when it’s over.

Janice steps in close to Jack.

JANICE

Bring her back to me. Please!

Jack takes her shoulders and peers resolute into her eyes.

JACK

Whoever did this is going to die. Every last one of them.

FRANK

It’s about fucking time.

Jack kisses her on the forehead.

Mark returns and hands Jack a hard drive.

MARK

It’s old. I don’t know what’s on it.

One last reassuring look, Jack follows Frank out and closes the front door.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Pass #6: Subplots with Meaning

What I learned during this assignment:

I built the police investigation into the plot to push the race against time, but to use their failure to catch the antagonist as a subplot and heighten the main character’s desperation jumped out at me. I intend to build-up the investigation to emphasis their failure and increase the sense of frustration and desperation.

Concept:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Subplot – The Police Investigation

(The investigation is seen through the eyes of Detective Sorenson.)

BEGINNING: The police investigation begins when the husband calls the station and confirms he and the two daughters have been kidnapped. The police search for the patient and the Uber driver who picked up the husband and daughters and track the husband’s phone, which is being used to make the call the station.

MIDDLE: The police have tracked the husband’s phone to the home of the Uber driver. They dispatch SWAT, and enroute, the SWAT commander instructs his team to the operation. Sorenson tells Ellen to stall and wait for SWAT to arrive at the scene.

END: SWAT breaks into the Uber driver’s home. The Uber driver is dead. The husband’s phone on the table. The investigation is a dead end. The police are proven useless. The husband is subsequently killed, heightening the main character’s desperation.

“How can I make this more meaningful or emotional for my lead character?”

Failing to locate the patient results in the death of Ellen’s husband, forcing Ellen to take control of the situation and manipulate her patient into killing himself to save her daughters.

STRUCTURE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen is late for work and listening to a competitor’s radio show. She receives a phone call from her producer. Ellen is missing the staff meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot.

Now more anxious, Ellen answers a call from her husband, Roger. His car won’t start, and he’s using Uber to take their daughters to school before he heads to work. But he needs Ellen to pick them up after her radio show. They argue about her work interfering with their family, and when she hangs up, she uses a few harsh words toward her husband.

2. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Ellen parks in the lot and runs inside, grappling with her purse and briefcase.

3. INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic. She takes Ellen’s purse and briefcase and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen enters a packed room. Every chair around the table is full. Sheepishly, she sits down, but the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified.

After everyone leaves, Ellen meets with the station manager. He’s concerned about her ratings. She spends too much time with each caller. She’s not supposed to cure people. She’s supposed to advise them and move on. She needs to get her ratings up.

5. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen and her producer prepare for her show. Ellen relays the station manager’s meeting. Ellen questions if she has what it takes to be a talk show host. Thought she could reach more people on radio than her small private practice. She was middle of her class in medical school and residency. Her advisor advised against academics.

The producer tries to build her confidence. All they need is one great show.

One minutes air, her producer takes her seat the control booth. Ellen settles in behind her microphone.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills dealing with Ellen, making her more self-conscience and nervous. He tells Ellen’s producer he’s already interviewed her replacement in case she fails. The station manager hovers to listen to the first call.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

We hear the show’s intro. Ellen welcomes her listeners. She’s smooth and in control, but the first call is boring. Ellen delves too deep into theory.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager leaves, disappointed. The producer screens the next caller, Jason, who suffers from multiple personality disorder. She puts him through immediately.

INCIDINT INDICENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages the caller, drawing him out. When she recognizes Jason as an old patient, she advises that it’s inappropriate to continue the conversation. But before she can end the call, Jason informs Ellen that his more dominant and violent personality has kidnapped her family and that he intends to kill one every hour on air unless she excises the personality by the end of the show.

Stunned, not sure how to respond, Ellen makes light of the threat. Her producer intercedes and disconnects the call and goes to a commercial. Ellen tells her producer how she knew the caller.

After several moments of indecision, Ellen grabs the studio phone and calls her husband. When the call goes to voicemail, she calls the school to ask about her children.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager comes in. He quips about boring calls. Ellen learns her children have not arrived yet. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive. She’s unnerved, and her producer keeps her from unravelling. Back on air in 10 seconds.

The station manager leaves to call the police, just as a precaution.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen takes the next call, but is clearly distracted, concerned about her family’s safety.

12. INT. POLICE STATION – DETECTIVE SQUAD

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation by his lieutenant. He’s alone. His partner’s in court. The lieutenant has no-one else. Sorensen accepts the case believing it’s a snipe hunt. A crank caller to a radio station. Just in case, the lieutenant will get departments ready.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is on air with another caller. During the break, she tries her husband again. Nothing. Calls his work. He hasn’t arrived. And the school still hasn’t called back. She’s getting more nervous.

14. INT. FRONT DESK – RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson arrives at the station. The station manager greets him, explains the situation. He takes Sorenson to meet Ellen.

15. INT. CONRTOL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson reassures Ellen not to worry. He’ll send units to her daughter’s school and her husband’s work. She tells him about her patient. He was never violent or threatening. Anyone ever threaten her? Can she think of anyone who would want to harm her or her family? Husband?

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

16. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call. It’s Roger, Ellen’s husband. And when he’s put on air, he confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped.

Ryan, the violent personality, has taken control. He explains the rules of his game. Ryan will only speak to Ellen. The show must never leave the air, even for a commercial. Etc.

17. INT. STATION – DAY

Sorenson coordinates the investigation. They need to track the husband’s phone. Put an APB on the patient, Jason and get his patient records. And they need to find the Uber driver.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, begins pleading with Ryan. She wants to talk to her family. Ryan won’t allow it. Why is he doing this? Because she failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and now he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

19. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson conducts the investigation from the radio station. Jason is homeless. Check shelters, hospitals, find someone who knows him or knows where he might be.

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors her patient as Jason flips back and forth between personalities. The clock is coming up on the first hour.

21. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson gets a call. They have traced the husband’s phone. SWAT is enroute to the location.

22. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan.

23. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is still engaged with Jason, talking him down. Sorenson – in the control booth – tells her to stall. SWAT is close.

24. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT breaches the front door and storms inside.

25. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The Uber driver is dead, ducked taped to a chair and tortured for fun. He’s been dead more than a day. SWAT finds the husband’s phone. The SWAT commander calls Sorenson.

26. INT. STATION – DAY

Sorenson gets the call. It’s not Jason. He’s using a spoof number, an App that uses her husband’s phone number to disguise his own.

27. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at the police incompetence, Jason informs Ellen it’s time for her choose which member of her family must die. Unable to choose, Jason threatens one of her daughters, and when Ellen pleads for her not to be harmed, Jason tells her that she has chosen by default.

Ellen listens as Jason drags her husband, Roger, into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her just before Jason shoots him on air. Jason hangs up, using radio jargon about taking a break.

Ellen flees from the booth, hysterical.

28. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson grabs her, and she falls into his arm on the floor, sobbing out of control. She says she’s going to be sick. He races her to the restroom.

29. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson tries to comfort her, to keep her strong. She slaps him hard, taking out her frustration on him. She collapses to the floor and tells him she cannot go on.

Sorenson tells her that Roger may be still alive, they “don’t know what we don’t know.” And she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.

The station manager comes in. The patient is back on the line.

30. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, barely able to speak, sits back down at her microphone to engage with Jason/Ryan. But it’s someone new. A young boy, Bobby. Another personality. She engages Bobby about her husband. Roger is dead in the room. The daughters are in another room.

31. INT. STATION – DAY

Jason’s patient records are delivered to Sorenson. We see his picture for the first time.

MIDPOINT

32. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen falters. She becomes silent, wiping tears. She goes deep into thought. Her producer and station manager are worried. They try to get her to reengage Bobby. Sorenson enters. Everyone is concerned.

A determined visage appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions now under control. She speaks with Bobby about Jason, about his past personalities, specifically one named William. Does Bobby remember William? The others wonder what she’s doing.

33. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file and reads. He’s stunned by what he reads. William is a manic-depressive personality. And suicidal. Sorenson realizes Ellen’s strategy, and he tells the others to their shock.

Sorenson warns Ellen that her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

34. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, gives Sorenson and the others a vengeful glare. She’s determined to save her daughters – her way. And delves into Bobby’s memory to draw out William’s personality. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.

35. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from Jason’s sister living in Memphis. She tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

36. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen asks Bobby is Jason will speak to his sister, and she puts Jason’s sister on air. Ellen listens to Jason’s sister tearfully plead for him to stop. This breaks down Ellen’s emotions, but she remains resolute, reaching deeper into Jason to pull out William.

37. INT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson receives call from the department. They have a lead on Jason based on the information from the sister. But they need time.

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT

38. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William finally reveals himself to Ellen. And while she’s anguished by the harm that she knows she’s causing her patient, Ellen pushes him deep into his depressive state.

Ellen councils William that he doesn’t want the death of her children on his conscience, and that the only way to stop Ryan is for William to kill him. But that means killing himself.

William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she presses him that if he wants to be at peace, he must find the strength to do what he knows he must do. Ellen pushes, tears running, sometimes unable to speak, torturing herself, sacrificing her humanity to save her daughters.

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes again, realizing what Ellen is attempting to do, and threatens to kill one of her daughters.

39. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on the phone. They have a fix on Jason. Uunits are on the way.

40. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

The SWAT van and police cars, lights on, racing to the location.

41. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen confronts Ryan hard, pitting William against him. She’s full psychiatric mode. She sets the two personalities against one another. They flip back and forth, the gun in hand, fighting for dominance.

Sorenson signals five minutes away.

42. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team is getting ready.

43. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushes William to take control and stop Ryan once and for all, to save her daughters.

44. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. Minutes away. Sorensen yells they’re running out of time.

CLIMAX

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushes even harder. The two personalities yelling, one then the next, like two people arguing. William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names. Don’t let Ryan kill them.

The gun goes off. Nothing. Silence.

Ellen stands, staring at everything and nothing. She looks to the others. They all wait, holding their breathes. We hear SWAT kick the door. Noise. Confusion. The call drops.

Ellen, almost unable to breathe.

Sorenson bursts into the studio. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe.

Ellen collapses, sobbing in Sorenson’s arms. “What did I do? What did I do?”

46. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen out to a waiting car. She’s wrapped in a blanket, emotionally drained.

47. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

48. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

49. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Sorenson enters the squad room. The detectives stand and applaud. He’s given a heroes’ welcome. His lieutenant tells him to take the rest of the day.

Sorenson sits at his desk as everyone gets back to work. He receives a call, a physician from a local clinic. The physician tells Sorenson that he had been holding Jason for observation at his clinic under a different name for the past 10 days. Confused, Sorenson opens his computer. What’s the name? Randy Armstrong. He’s in the system. Sorensen types in the other name.

COMPUTER SCREEN: Jason’s picture pops up under Randy Armstrong. The physician didn’t put the face to the name until he saw Jason’s picture television.

Frantic, Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file. He scans the names of his other personalities.

INSERT JASON’S FILE. Sorenson’s finger drags down the page and finds Randy Armstrong listed as one of Jason’s other personalities.

The physician tells Sorenson that Randy was released and picked up by an Uber ride matching the dead Uber driver’s car an hour before Ellen’s family was kidnapped.

Sorenson suddenly realizes there had to be someone else involved.

CUT TO BLACK

VOICE OVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen.

DISSOLVE TO:

50. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICE OVER: A week has now passed. The host discusses the aftermath. One caller agrees with what Ellen did. Another doesn’t. The next caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan’s voice, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Pass #5: Action / Reaction

What I learned during this assignment:

I’m learning more and more about my protagonist with each stage of this process. Her motivation/character arc is changing dramatically as I increase the conflict in her life.

Concept:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Protagonist Goal:

Save her family from a violent patient.

Protagonist Character Arc:

What she wants: Success as a talk radio host to help patients

What she needs: More confidence in her own abilities

Old trait: Self-doubt/heartfelt

Changed to: A formidable psychiatrist/emotionally broken

Main Conflict:

An ex-patient threatens to kill a psychiatrist’s kidnapped family.

Action/Reaction Events

Back and Forth

Jason calls the show / Ellen tries to disconnect, he’s an ex-patient

Jason threatens to kill her family / Ellen ignores the call, confirms family is safe

Jason calls back, puts husband on air / Ellen is stunned, submits to the game

Ellen questions Jason – why? / Jason says he’s sorry, but he’s powerless

Ryan, the violent personality, takes control / Ellen pleads for her family’s lives

Ryan kills Ellen’s husband on air / Ellen breaks down, refuses to go on

Ellen musters her psychiatric skills / Bobby, the new personality, resists

Ellen calls forward a new personality /Bobby won’t let William come forward

Ellen puts Jason’s sister on air / Bobby concedes, lets Jason speak to sister

Ellen extracts William / William engages with Ellen

Ellen pushes William to kill Ryan / Ryan interferes, threatens her daughters

Ellen confronts Ryan / Ryan loses control of game and Ellen

Ellen pits personality vs personality / William kills Ryan – himself

Protagonist’s Emotional moments:

Ellen reveals her self-doubts to her producer before show. She was not in the top of her class in school. Maybe leaving private practice for the show was a mistake.

After initial phone call that threatens her family, Ellen becomes more unnerved when she can’t contact her husband and the school cannot verify her children presence.

When her husband calls into the show and confirms he and their daughters have been kidnapped, Ellen foregoes her psychiatric skills and pleads with the kidnapper from emotion.

Ellen begs Jason to release her family, but Ryan, the violent personality intercedes to stop Jason.

When Ryan kills her husband, Ellen breaks down and refuses to continue.

Ellen digs deep, calling on her psychiatric abilities to take control and confronts Bobby, the new protective personality. She needs to speak with Jason.

Ellen puts Jason’s sister on air and, tears streaming, listens to the sister persuade Jason to stop.

Ellen tries to summon William, the manic-depressive personality, and pressed him to kill Ryan – himself to saver her daughters. The more she presses, the more tortured her emotions.

Ryan interferes and threatens her daughters. Ellen confronts Ryan, no longer allowing him to control events. She pits the two personalities against each other until the gun goes off. Ellen, in shock, cannot speak or breath for a long moment.

When she learns Jason is dead and her daughters are safe, she breaks down, sobbing, questioning what she has done.

Place the actions from #2 and emotional moments from #3 in your current outline

STRUCTURE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen is late for work and listening to a competitor’s radio show. She receives a phone call from her producer. Ellen is missing the staff meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot.

Now more anxious, Ellen answers a call from her husband, Roger. His car won’t start, and he’s using Uber to take their daughters to school before he heads to work. But he needs Ellen to pick them up after her radio show. They argue about her work interfering with their family, and when she hangs up, she uses a few harsh words toward her husband.

2. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Ellen parks in the lot and runs inside, grappling with her purse and briefcase.

3. INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic. She takes Ellen’s purse and briefcase and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen enters a packed room. Every chair around the table is full. Sheepishly, she sits down, but the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified.

After everyone leaves, Ellen meets with the station manager. He’s concerned about her ratings. She spends too much time with each caller. She’s not supposed to cure people. She’s supposed to advise them and move on. She needs to get her ratings up.

5. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen and her producer prepare for her show. Ellen relays the station manager’s meeting. Ellen questions if she has what it takes to be a talk show host. Thought she could reach more people on radio than her small private practice. She was middle of her class in medical school and residency. Her advisor advised against academics.

The producer tries to build her confidence. All they need is one great show.

One minutes air, her producer takes her seat the control booth. Ellen settles in behind her microphone.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills dealing with Ellen, making her more self-conscience and nervous. He tells Ellen’s producer he’s already interviewed her replacement in case she fails. The station manager hovers to listen to the first call.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

We hear the show’s intro. Ellen welcomes her listeners. She’s smooth and in control, but the first call is boring. Ellen delves too deep into theory.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager leaves, disappointed. The producer screens the next caller, Jason, who suffers from multiple personality disorder. She puts him through immediately.

INCIDINT INDICENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages the caller, drawing him out. When she recognizes Jason as an old patient, she advises that it’s inappropriate to continue the conversation. But before she can end the call, Jason informs Ellen that his more dominant and violent personality has kidnapped her family and that he intends to kill one every hour on air unless she excises the personality by the end of the show.

Stunned, not sure how to respond, Ellen makes light of the threat. Her producer intercedes and disconnects the call and goes to a commercial. Ellen tells her producer how she knew the caller.

After several moments of indecision, Ellen grabs the studio phone and calls her husband. When the call goes to voicemail, she calls the school to ask about her children.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager comes in. He quips about boring calls. Ellen learns her children have not arrived yet. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive. She’s unnerved, and her producer keeps her from unravelling. Back on air in 10 seconds.

The station manager leaves to call the police, just as a precaution.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen takes the next call, but is clearly distracted, concerned about her family’s safety.

12. INT. POLICE STATION – DETECTIVE SQUAD

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation by his lieutenant. He’s alone. His partner’s in court. The lieutenant has no-one else. Sorensen accepts the case believing it’s a snipe hunt. A crank caller to a radio station. Just in case, the lieutenant will get departments ready.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is on air with another caller. During the break, she tries her husband again. Nothing. Calls his work. He hasn’t arrived. And the school still hasn’t called back. She’s getting more nervous.

14. INT. FRONT DESK – RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson arrives at the station. The station manager greets him, explains the situation. He takes Sorenson to meet Ellen.

15. INT. CONRTOL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson reassures Ellen not to worry. He’ll send units to her daughter’s school and her husband’s work. She tells him about her patient. He was never violent or threatening. Anyone ever threaten her? Can she think of anyone who would want to harm her or her family? Husband?

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

16. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call. It’s Roger, Ellen’s husband. And when he’s put on air, he confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped.

Ryan, the violent personality, has taken control. He explains the rules of his game. Ryan will only speak to Ellen. The show must never leave the air, even for a commercial. Etc.

17. INT. STATION – DAY

Sorenson coordinates the investigation. They need to track the husband’s phone. Put an APB on the patient, Jason and get his patient records. And they need to find the Uber driver.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, begins pleading with Ryan. She wants to talk to her family. Ryan won’t allow it. Why is he doing this? Because she failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and now he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

19. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson conducts the investigation from the radio station. Jason is homeless. Check shelters, hospitals, find someone who knows him or knows where he might be.

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors her patient as Jason flips back and forth between personalities. The clock is coming up on the first hour.

21. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson gets a call. They have traced the husband’s phone. SWAT is enroute to the location.

22. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan.

23. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is still engaged with Jason, talking him down. Sorenson – in the control booth – tells her to stall. SWAT is close.

24. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT team in full gear breaches the front door storms inside.

25. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

A man, ducked taped to a chair, tortured, dead. This is the Uber driver.

26. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson gets the call. It’s not Jason. But the husband’s phone is there. Jason/Ryan is using a spoof number (using her husband’s phone number to disguise his own.)

27. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at the police incompetence, Jason informs Ellen it’s time for her choose which member of her family must die. Unable to choose, Jason threatens one of her daughters, and when Ellen pleads for her not to be harmed, Jason tells her that she has chosen by default.

Ellen listens as Jason drags her husband, Roger, into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her just before Jason shoots him on air. Jason hangs up, using radio jargon about taking a break.

Ellen flees from the booth, hysterical.

28. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson grabs her, and she falls into his arm on the floor, sobbing out of control. She says she’s going to be sick. He races her to the restroom.

29. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson tries to comfort her, to keep her strong. She slaps him hard, taking out her frustration on him. She collapses to the floor and tells him she cannot go on.

Sorenson tells her that Roger may be still alive, they “don’t know what we don’t know.” And she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.

The station manager comes in. The patient is back on the line.

30. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, barely able to speak, sits back down at her microphone to engage with Jason/Ryan. But it’s someone new. A young boy, Bobby. Another personality. She engages Bobby about her husband. Roger is dead in the room. The daughters are in another room.

31. INT. STATION – DAY

Jason’s patient records are delivered to Sorenson. We see his picture for the first time.

MIDPOINT

32. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen falters. She becomes silent, wiping tears. She goes deep into thought. Her producer and station manager are worried. They try to get her to reengage Bobby. Sorenson enters. Everyone is concerned.

A determined visage appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions now under control. She speaks with Bobby about Jason, about his past personalities, specifically one named William. Does Bobby remember William? The others wonder what she’s doing.

33. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file and reads. He’s stunned by what he reads. William is a manic-depressive personality. And suicidal. Sorenson realizes Ellen’s strategy, and he tells the others to their shock.

Sorenson warns Ellen that her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

34. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, gives Sorenson and the others a vengeful glare. She’s determined to save her daughters – her way. And delves into Bobby’s memory to draw out William’s personality. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.

35. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from Jason’s sister living in Memphis. She tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

36. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen asks Bobby is Jason will speak to his sister, and she puts Jason’s sister on air. Ellen listens to Jason’s sister tearfully plead for him to stop. This breaks down Ellen’s emotions, but she remains resolute, reaching deeper into Jason to pull out William.

37. INT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson receives call from the department. They have a lead on Jason based on the information from the sister. But they need time.

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT

38. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William finally reveals himself to Ellen. And while she’s anguished by the harm that she knows she’s causing her patient, Ellen pushes him deep into his depressive state.

Ellen councils William that he doesn’t want the death of her children on his conscience, and that the only way to stop Ryan is for William to kill him. But that means killing himself.

William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she presses him that if he wants to be at peace, he must find the strength to do what he knows he must do. Ellen pushes, tears running, sometimes unable to speak, torturing herself, sacrificing her humanity to save her daughters.

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes again, realizing what Ellen is attempting to do, and threatens to kill one of her daughters.

39. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on the phone. They have a fix on Jason. Uunits are on the way.

40. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

The SWAT van and police cars, lights on, racing to the location.

41. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen confronts Ryan hard, pitting William against him. She’s full psychiatric mode. She sets the two personalities against one another. They flip back and forth, the gun in hand, fighting for dominance.

Sorenson signals five minutes away.

42. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team is getting ready.

43. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushes William to take control and stop Ryan once and for all, to save her daughters.

44. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. Minutes away. Sorensen yells they’re running out of time.

CLIMAX

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushes even harder. The two personalities yelling, one then the next, like two people arguing. William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names. Don’t let Ryan kill them.

The gun goes off. Nothing. Silence.

Ellen stands, staring at everything and nothing. She looks to the others. They all wait, holding their breathes. We hear SWAT kick the door. Noise. Confusion. The call drops.

Ellen, almost unable to breathe.

Sorenson bursts into the studio. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe.

Ellen collapses, sobbing in Sorenson’s arms. “What did I do? What did I do?”

46. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen out to a waiting car. She’s wrapped in a blanket, emotionally drained.

47. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

48. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

49. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Sorenson enters the squad room. The detectives stand and applaud. He’s given a heroes’ welcome. His lieutenant tells him to take the rest of the day.

Sorenson sits at his desk as everyone gets back to work. He receives a call, a physician from a local clinic. The physician tells Sorenson that he had been holding Jason for observation at his clinic under a different name for the past 10 days. Confused, Sorenson opens his computer. What’s the name? Randy Armstrong. He’s in the system. Sorensen types in the other name.

COMPUTER SCREEN: Jason’s picture pops up under Randy Armstrong. The physician didn’t put the face to the name until he saw Jason’s picture television.

Frantic, Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file. He scans the names of his other personalities.

INSERT JASON’S FILE. Sorenson’s finger drags down the page and finds Randy Armstrong listed as one of Jason’s other personalities.

The physician tells Sorenson that Randy was released and picked up by an Uber ride matching the dead Uber driver’s car an hour before Ellen’s family was kidnapped.

Sorenson suddenly realizes there had to be someone else involved.

CUT TO BLACK

VOICE OVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen.

DISSOLVE TO:

50. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICE OVER: A week has now passed. The host discusses the aftermath. One caller agrees with what Ellen did. Another doesn’t. The next caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan’s voice, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Act 3 Turning Point

What have I learned from this assignment?

I had to reconsider how to elevate the conflict between protagonist and antagonist that would threaten the main character to his core. I created a daughter early in the story to reveal the life my character had lost and his motivation to get it back. Having the antagonist threaten his daughter’s life at the Turning Point, demanding the protagonist exchange his life for hers, not only pushed the scene to it’s limit, but it offered me a choice of ending I hadn’t considered.

OUTLINE KEY SCENE 4

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

BEGINNING: Jack and Frank arrive at Janice’s home. She’s distraught and crying and blames Jack for Heidi’s kidnapping. Her new husband explains they received a phone call from a man telling them he’s taken Heidi. Not to call the cops. Wait by the phone.

MIDDLE: Jack and Frank know who has taken her, but they say nothing. Jack takes the call from Hill, who wants a trade – Jack and Frank and the missing hard drive for Heidi’s life. He threatens Heidi if Jack and Frank don’t cooperate. Jack agrees.

END: Jack asks Mark for a hard drive to use as a ruse. He warns Janice to flee the house, find a place to hide. Mark finds a hard drive for Jack to use. Janice demands he bring Heidi home safe. Jack promises to bring her home and threatens to kill everyone involved, to Frank’s delight.

SCRIPT

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Janice answers the door and Jack storms inside followed by Frank. Janice is frantic. She’s been crying, her eyes red.

JACK

Where is she?

JANICE

Gone! You bastard. I knew this had to be you. My daughter’s been taken because of you!

Janice slaps Jack across the face. Jack accepts it, and Janice backs away, face in her hands.

MARK JACOBS, Janice’s husband, takes Janice in his arms to calm her down.

MARK

We got a call from some man. He put Heidi on the phone. He told us not to call the police. That he’d be in touch.

JANICE

Who has my daughter?

JACK

I don’t know.

JANICE

Liar! You know exactly who has her. This is about you. About you and that boy you killed. You and your fucking partner!

The house phone on a side table RINGS. Everyone stops. Jack answers the call.

JACK
Donovan.

HILL (O.S.) (on phone)

We have your daughter.

JACK

What do you want?

HILL (O.S.) (on phone)

You. And your partner. And the hard drive you took from the technician.

Jack hesitates, a furrowed brow. Confused.

HILL (O.S.) (CONT’D) (on phone)

You still there?

JACK

I’m here. I want proof of life.

A moment, soft SOUNDS. Then.

HEIDI (O.S.) (oh phone; afraid)

Mommy?

Jack fumes. Says nothing. Heidi’s gone in a second.

HILL (O.S.) (on phone)

You know the score. No tricks. Just you and your partner. You lives for hers. Or she’s dead.

JACK

Where?

HILL (O.S.) (on phone)

Call your Russian girlfriend in an hour. She’ll give you directions.

(beat)

Don’t fuck this up.

The phone goes dead.

JACK

She’s alive.

Janice nearly collapses in grief.

JACK (CONT’D)

They’ll trade. Heidi for us. And they want the technician’s hard drive.

FRANK

They don’t have it.

(beat)

Then who does?

Jack looks at Mark.

JACK

You’re a tech guy. You have a spare hard drive around here? The older the better.

MARK

I can find one.

JACK

Get it.

Mark heads off to find a hard drive.

FRANK

Where and when?

JACK

They’ll call your friend in an hour, give us directions.

(to Janice)
Get out of the house. Pack a bag and disappear. Find a cheap motel, something out of the way. I’ll call your cell when it’s over.

Janice steps in close to Jack.

JANICE

Bring her back to me. Please!

Jack takes her shoulders and peers resolute into her eyes.

JACK
Whoever did this is going to die. Every last one of them.

FRANK

It’s about fucking time.

Jack kisses her on the forehead.

Mark returns and hands Jack a hard drive.

MARK

It’s old. And encrypted. I don’t know what’s on it.

JACK
I’ll do.

One last reassuring look, and Jack follows Frank out, closing the front door.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

<div>Dana’s Act 3 Middle Scenes</div><div>

What have I learned from this assignment?

</div>

The story and character arcs, that are tied together, must build through each scene as the story races for the climax.

KEY SCENES: MAKE A NEW PLAN

EXT. PRESS CONFERENCE – DAY

BEGINNING: Governor has a press conference about Jack and Frank being wanted, his prison reform program. Margery and Calvin Brown attend.

MIDDLE: He’s assaulted by the press. It goes wrong. Questions about his VP nomination.

END: They leave the stage leaving questions behind.

EXT. CEMETARY – DAY

BEGINNING: Jack and Frank stand at the grave of Marcus Jones. It’s a family plot. Mother and father and another woman.

MIDDLE: They notice the dates that make the father too old. Who is the other woman? They realize she must be the birth mother.

END: They decide to find the adoptive mother.

INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY

BEINNING: Newbaum, Margery and Brown discuss his press conference and the situation.

MIDDLE: Hill joins them and tells them Donovan and Valentino are with the Russians. They discuss options.

END: Hill has an idea to flush them out, but it’s ugly.

INT. FLOWER SHOP – DAY

BEGINNING: May Flowers tells her assistant she can take lunch. When she closes the door to the back office, Frank and Jack are with her. When she does, they sit her down to just talk. They convincer her they did not kill her son.

MIDDLE: She tells them it was her niece’s son. She was a prostitute and got pregnant by a john. But her never revealed the father. Just some collage frat boy. She didn’t get an abortion. She tried to blackmail the boy after her son was born. After she was killed, the sister raised the boy as her own to hide him.

END: Frank gets the call from Oksana. Jack’s daughter has been grabbed.

SCRIPT STRUCTURE

INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM – DAY

CLOSE SHOT – NEWBAUM

NEWBAUM
Events over the past twenty-four hours shock the conscience.

Newbaum stands at a podium. Margery and Calvin Brown stand on opposite sides like bookends behind him, framed by American flags. The press — unseen – tosses questions at him.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)

The murders of Donald Armstrong and his wife, Barbara, were both brutal and cold-blooded. My office is now coordinating with local, state and federal agencies in the manhunt for Jack Donovan and Frank Valentino, both believed armed and dangerous. Civilized society cannot and will not tolerate lawless and barbaric behavior. We will bring these men to justice for the heinous murders they have committed.

The press ERUPT in a BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)

Yes?

REPORTER 1 (O.S.)

Given these murders were committed by men released under your early release program, do you think the program is in jeopardy?

NEWBAUM

The program has demonstrated a low recidivism rate based on the number of prisoners qualified for release. These murders are an anomaly. It’s unfortunate the parole board didn’t consult with me before releasing these men. I would have advised against it. And while adjustments may be necessary, I still believe prison reform is a humane endeavor. Yes?

REPORTER 2

Have the police determined a motive for these killings?

NEWBAUM

I don’t believe I should comment on the details of the investigation. Yes?

REPORTER 3

Marty Jorgensen, the parole officer for both Donovan and Valentino, was found drowned in his swimming pool. And Charles Lunger, the guard who testified at trial against both men, was killed in an explosion at his home. Do the police suspect these deaths may be related?

NEWBAUM

Not to my knowledge. Mr. Lunger’s death has been ruled an accident. And Mr. Jorgensen was apparently intoxicated. Their deaths are a coincidence, not a conspiracy. Yes?

REPORTER 4

Do you believe releasing Donovan and Valentino will now impact your chances to become VP on the ticket?

NEWBAUM

I’m not concerned with politics at this time. I’m focused on bringing these men to justice.

REPORTER 5

I notice Calvin Brown with you at the podium. Is there a reason for his involvement today?

NEWBAUM

Mr. Brown is here on an advisory capacity and is representing the Jones family during this crisis. Thank you very much.

Newbaum waves and leaves the podium, followed by Margery and Brown. A BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS follows after him.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY – DAY

A family plot with a large headstone reading Jones Family. A bouquet of wilted flower in a vase. Three gravestones read:

Roberta Robbins Marcus Jones Henry Jones
1969 to 1997 1990 to 2010 1940 – 2015

The plot is for four. An empty plot sits next to Henry Jones.

MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

This is it. The Jones family plot.

The CEMETERY MANAGER stands next to Jack and Frank. The three of them stare down at the gravestones.

MANAGER

We buried the father a few years ago. Nice family. Not a lot of mourners, though. His wife and a few friends.

JACK

You remember his burial?

MANAGER

After what those cops did to his son, it’s hard to forget. I hope they rot in hell.

Jack and Frank glance at one another.

FRANK

How’d he die?

MANAGER

Heart attack, I think.

JACK

Who’s the lady on the end?

The manager flips through papers on his clipboard.

MANAGER

Roberta Robbins. It says here she was a niece. Why did you guys say you’re interested?

JACK

Routine. The insurance company is crossing T’s, dotting I’s. Do you have an address for the family?

MANAGER

Maybe back at the office. I don’t know how current it is.

FRANK

Those roses look fresh. Is somebody maintaining the plot.

MANAGER

A flower company arrives every two weeks. The driver swaps out the old with the new. Been doing it since the boy died.

FRANK

You know the name?

MANAGER (remembering)

Mae Flowers — I think. With an E. Anyway, I should probably get back. Stop into the office on your way out. I’ll give you what we have.

The manager heads back to the office.

FRANK

You see what I see? Daddy was a fucking senior citizen. He was fifty when the kid was born.

JACK

I remember the parents in court. It always struck me odd how old they looked. More like grandparents.

FRANK

What are we looking at here? Daddy and his baby momma?

JACK

Would you let your husband bury his baby momma in the family plot?

FRANK

Then what?

JACK

Not sure. But I know who we can ask. Do you remember the name of Mrs. Jones?

FRANK (remembering)

Mae — with an E.

CUT TO:

INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Newbaum storms in followed by Margery and Brown.

NEWBAUM (sarcastic)

Well, that went well.

MARGERY

You stopped the bleeding.

NEWBAUM

Are you kidding? They’re asking about Jorgensen and that dumb-ass guard. It they put those bodies on Donovan and Valentino, you can kiss the VP goodbye.

BROWN

You were forceful and direct in your response. Those questions won’t go anywhere.

NEWBAUM

You’d better hope they don’t. I’m not the only one here with my ass hanging out.

BROWN

My hands get singed, not burned.

NEWBAUM

Donovan and Valentino are working their way up the food chain. And they won’t stop at your hands.

A KNOCK on the door, and Douglas Hill enters.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)

Where have you been?

Hill stops, stunned by the attack.

MARGERY
Douglas is head of your security team. He’s your liaison with law enforcement.

Newbaum waves a hand.

NEWBAUM

Fine. What have you learned?

HILL

Donovan and Valentino have gone underground. Word is they’re with the Russians now.

NEWBAUM

Oh, shit — Shit!

HILL

Valentino did favors for Oksana Volkov while he was inside.

MARGERY

What sort of favors?

HILL

Bodies.

NEWBAUM

Shit.

MARGERY (to Brown)

Do we have any inroads there?

BROWN

I have clients who have friends in that world. I can make a few calls.

HILL
Oksana Volkov has a reputation for being loyal. And rumor has it — she and Valentino share a bed. She won’t give him up.

NEWBAUM

Fucking great! What am I suppose to do, sit here and wait for them to knock on the front door?

HILL

There may be a way to flush them out.

CLOSE SHOT – HILL

HILL (CONT’D)

But it’s ugly.

CUT TO:

EXT. MAE’S FLOWER SHOP – DAY

It’s a small, corner shop in the downtown. Lots of traffic and walk in customers.

INT. MAE’S FLOWER SHOP – CONTINUOUS

JILL, 30’s, a young girl wearing a florist apron stands at the counter completing an order for an older woman.

JILL

Okay, Mrs. Green. Your order is in the system. And we’ll have those daisies sent to your granddaughter the first of next week.

MRS. GREEN

She just moved into her college dorm. And daisies are her favorite.

JILL

I’m sure she’ll appreciate them.

MRS. GREEN

Thank you for your help. Goodbye, now.

JILL

Goodbye.

Mrs. Green heads for the front door. We hear the BELL RING when she opens the door.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

Jill?

Jill looks to –

MAE FLOWERS, late 60’s, African American, grey hair, stands in the open door to the back office.

MAE

Why don’t you take your lunch now while it’s slow.

JILL

Are you sure?

MAE

Yes. It’s fine. Lock up when you leave and remember to put out the return sign.

JILL

Okay, Mrs. Jones.

Jill takes off her apron and gets ready to leave. Mae closes the office door.

INT. OFFICE – FLOWER SHOP – CONTINUOUS

Mae closes the door and locks it. Jack stands behind the door. Mae is nervous, but in control. She looks to Jack. He motions her to a chair.

Frank stands next to chair. Mae sits down, carefully. The BELL RINGS — Jill has left the store. They’re alone.

MAE

Are you going to kill me?

JACK

No, Mrs. Jones. We’re not here to harm you.

MAE

I don’t have much money. My husband spent most of the settlement before he died.

FRANK

Twenty million dollars?

MAE

He acted like he’d won the lottery. Cars. Boats. Trips. Gambling. Other women. To him it was found money.

(beat)

And after the lawyer took his cut, all the other snakes descended on us. It was just luck I had enough to buy this shop.

Jack sits down next to her.

JACK

I — we — always wanted to tell you how sorry we were about your son. But you have to know, Mrs. Jones, Frank and I didn’t kill Marcus.

Mae looks back and forth at them, not believing them.

JACK (CONT’D)

Marcus suffered from an disease that wouldn’t allow his blood to clot. He bled faster than anyone thought. The FBI report proved it. He was killed by someone at the station after he was put in the holding cell, but not by us.

Mae looks at them again, sheepish, almost guilty.

MAE

I know.

FRANK

Wait. What? What do you mean, you know?

MAE

Mr. Brown told my husband and me about the report before the civil trial started. He told us that it wasn’t our responsibility to fix the district attorney’s mistake. And if we did, we wouldn’t find justice for Marcus. He said if we went public about Marcus’ condition, no-one would be held accountable for his death.

FRANK

You mean you wouldn’t get paid.

Mae says nothing.

JACK

That’s not the reason you went along with it, though, was it?

MAE

My husband wasn’t an easy man to live with. And we were desperate for the money. He thought it would solve our problems. It just created more.

(pleading)

I am sorry for what happened to you. I truly am. I never wanted any of this to happen, but I didn’t know the right thing to do.

JACK

It’s not your fault, Mrs. Jones. But we need to know the truth now.

(beat)

Was Marcus your son?

MAE

No. He was my niece’s boy, Roberta.

FRANK

Why the lie?

MAE

Roberta was a prostitute. Her mother — my sister– was a drug addict. Heroine. And she let the street raise her daughter. And one day, Roberta got pregnant by a boy. A college student. A john. When she decided to not get an abortion, I thought her having a baby would get Roberta off the street, that she’d be a good mom. But after Marcus was born, she tried to blackmail the boy who got her pregnant. His family was rich, and she thought he’d pay to keep his black son a secret.

JACK

What happened to her?

MAE

A month after she blackmailed the boy, she was killed in a hit and run. The police never found the car. Not that they tried, given Roberta was a prostitute.

FRANK

Who was the father?

MAE

Roberta never told me. I guess she thought she was protecting us. But after she was killed, we decided to raise Marcus as our own to protect him. But my husband never wanted to have children. And as Marcus grew up, he and Henry fought — a lot. They did battle. And then one day, Henry to Marcus the truth, where he came from. That he was the son of a prostitute.

JACK

He went to find his real father, didn’t he?

MAE

He became obsessed with knowing. He even attended the same school his father attended just to find him.

FRANK

Did he?

MAE

He never told me.

JACK

But you know who he is, don’t you?

Mae nods.

MAE

Governor Newbaum is Marcus’ real father.

The realization hits both men hard. Frank turns away, his hands combing through his hair in frustration.

FRANK

Oh, Jesus!

JACK

How did you find out?

MAE

Marcus joined every activist group on campus. He protested everything. Racism, war, police. He was angry at the world. He hated everything and everybody. But he was obsessed with one person.

JACK

Newbaum.

MAE

Marcus new his father wanted to be governor and attended every rally where he spoke. He became a thorn in the attorney general’s backside. He spoke against him, challenged him to debates. Anything to get his father’s attention.

JACK

And when Newbaum’s security team did a background check, Newbaum discovered Marcus was his son from his mother’s name on his birth certificate.

Mae nods.

FRANK

Why didn’t you bring this out back then?

MAE

Mr. Brown said it would muddy the waters. That the motive needed to be about race to get real justice.

JACK

It wasn’t justice. Brown used what he knew to blackmail his way into power. Anybody who needed a favor from the governor would have to go through him. And that’s why Newbaum pressed the city to settle your civil suit before our trial, to cover up his motive and make our trail about race.

FRANK

The man murdered his own son and prosecuted us to give himself the governor’s office.

MAE

So what happens now?

Frank and Jack glance at one another.

JACK

You may have to hide for awhile. The governor is cleaning up his mess, eliminating witnesses.

FRANK

And framing us — again.

Frank’s phone RINGS and he steps aside to answer it.

MAE

I can’t leave. I have my business, my home, my life.

JACK

It won’t be forever. Just a few weeks.

Frank stands across the room, speaking to Oksana on the phone.

OKSANA (O.S.) (On phone)

I’m sorry, Frank. I would never be the one to deliver this message if I didn’t have to. But they called me to get to you.

FRANK

What is it?

OKSANA (O.S.) (on phone)

You need to have your partner call his wife.

(beat)

His daughter has been taken.

CUT TO:

[Dana Abbott]

ProSeries 81 – Outlining Day 10 Assignment – Adding Necessary Questions 3 and 4

PS81 – Dana’s 4th Pass – NQ 3 and 4

What I learned during this assignment:

This assignment made me consider the opposite side of the Dilemma and Theme that I had never considered. Understanding the either-or decisions my protagonist must make through the story added deeper layers and emphasis her character.

Concept:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Emotional Dilemma:

Choice A: Does Ellen risk the lives of her family and try to dissuade the kidnapper from killing them?

Choice B: Does Ellen sacrifice her humanity and manipulate her patient into killing himself before he can execute his threat?

A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up?

Ellen’s husband confirms on air that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

B. How are both sides of the issue built up?

Ellen continually tries to dissuade her patient from killing her husband and daughters.

But as the violent personality becomes more threatening, Ellen is pushed to sacrifice her professional ethics to save her daughters.

C. When does the protagonist make the choices?

After her husband is killed on air by her patient.

D. What do they lose in making that choice?

Ellen loses her humanity by pushing her patient to kill himself.

Theme:

Sacrificing one’s humanity to save innocent lives.

A. What are both sides of your theme?

Side 1: Preserving one’s humanity to save innocent lives.

Side 2: Sacrificing one’s humanity to save innocent lives.

B. How will both sides show up throughout your story?

Ellen tries to talk her patient out of killing her family, but after his violent personality kills her husband, she pushes his most vulnerable personality into killing himself to save her daughters.

C. How does the climax of your story demand your message?

Ellen collapses emotionally when her patient kills himself. She has lost her humanity but saved her daughters.

STRUCTURE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen is late for work and listening to a competitor’s radio show. She receives a phone call from her producer. Ellen is missing the staff meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot.

Now more anxious, Ellen answers a call from her husband, Roger. His car won’t start, and he’s using Uber to take their daughters to school before he heads to work. But he needs Ellen to pick them up after her radio show. They argue about her work interfering with their family, and when she hangs up, she uses a few harsh words toward her husband.

2. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Ellen parks in the lot and runs inside, grappling with her purse and briefcase.

3. INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic. She takes Ellen’s purse and briefcase and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Ellen enters a packed room. Every chair around the table is full. Sheepishly, she sits down, but the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified.

After everyone leaves, Ellen meets with the station manager. He’s concerned about her ratings. She spends too much time with each caller. She’s no supposed to cure people. She’s supposed to advise them and move on. She needs to get her ratings up them up.

5. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen and her producer prepare for her show. Ellen relays the station manager’s meeting. Ellen wonders if she has what it takes to host a radio show. The producer tries to build her confidence. Ellen discusses how she left private practice and disrupted her family for this show.

Two minutes air, her producer takes her seat the production booth. Ellen settles in behind her microphone.

6. INT. PRODUCTION BOOTH – DAY

The station manager enters, and Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills dealing with Ellen, making her more self-conscience and nervous. He tells the producer he has a replacement already in mind. The station manager hovers to listen to the first call.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

We hear the show’s intro, and Ellen welcomes her listeners. She’s smooth and in control, but the first call is boring.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager leaves, disappointed. The producer screens the next caller, Jason, who suffers from multiple personality disorder. She puts him through immediately.

INCITING INCIDENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages the caller, drawing him out. When she recognizes Jason as an old patient, she advises that it’s inappropriate to continue the conversation. But before she an end the call, Jason informs Ellen that his more dominant and violent personality has kidnapped her family and that he intends to kill one every hour on air unless she excises the personality by the end of the show.

Stunned, not sure how to respond, the producer intercedes for Ellen and disconnects the call and goes to a commercial. Ellen tells her producer how and when she knew the caller.

Ellen grabs the studio phone and call her husband, but no answer. She calls the school to ask about her children.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager comes in. He quips about boring calls. Ellen learns her children have not arrived yet. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive. She’s concerned and unraveling. Her producer keeps her call. Back on air in 10 seconds.

The station manager leaves to call the police, just as a precaution.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen takes the next call, but is clearly distracted, concerned about her family’s safety.

12. INT. POLICE STATION – DETECTIVE SQUAD

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation by his lieutenant. He’s alone. His partner’s in court. The lieutenant has no-one else. Sorensen accepts the case believing it’s a snipe hunt. A crank caller to a radio station. Just in case, the lieutenant will get departments ready.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is on air with another caller. During the break, she tries her husband again. Nothing. Calls his work. He hasn’t arrived. And the school still hasn’t called back.

14. INT. FRONT DESK – RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson arrives at the station. The station manager greets him, explains the situation. He takes Sorenson to meet Ellen.

15. INT. CONRTOL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson meets Ellen and reassures her not to worry. He will send units her husband’s work and to her daughter’s school. He interviews her to fill in the gaps.

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

16. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call. It’s Roger, Ellen’s husband. And when he’s put on air, he confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped. Ryan, the violent personality, is in control, and he explains the rules of his game. Ryan will only speak to Ellen. The show must never leave the air, even for a commercial.

17. INT. STATION – DAY

Sorenson coordinates the investigation. They need to track the husband’s phone. Put an APB on the patient, Jason and get his patient records. And they need to find the Uber driver.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, begins pleading with Ryan. She wants to talk to her family. Ryan won’t allow it. Why is he doing this? Because she failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and now he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

19. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson conducts the investigation from the radio station. Jason is homeless. Check shelters, hospitals, find someone who knows him who would know where he might be.

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors her patient as Jason flips back and forth between personalities. The clock is coming up on the first hour. Sorenson – in the control booth – tells her to stall. SWAT is close.

21. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson gets a call. They have traced the husband’s phone. SWAT is enroute to the location.

22. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan.

23. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is still engaged with Jason, talking him down, stalling, waiting for SWAT.

24. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT team in full gear breaches the front door storms inside.

25. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

A man, ducked taped to a chair, tortured, dead. This is the Uber driver.

26. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson gets the call. It’s not Jason. But the husband’s phone is there. Jason/Ryan is using a spoof number.

27. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at the police incompetence, Jason informs Ellen it’s time for her choose which member of her family must die. Unable to choose, Jason threatens one of her daughters, and when Ellen pleads for her not to be harmed, Jason tells her that she has chosen by default.

We hear Jason drag her husband, Roger, into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her just before Jason shoots him on air. Jason hangs up, using radio jargon about taking a break.

Ellen flees from the booth, hysterical.

28. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson grabs her, and she falls into his arm on the floor, sobbing out of control. She says she’s going to be sick. He races her to the restroom.

29. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson tries to comfort her, to keep her strong. She slaps him hard, taking out her frustration on him. He tells her that Roger may be still alive, they “don’t know what we don’t know.” But now she must be strong for her daughters.

The station manager comes in. The caller is back on the line.

30. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, barely able to speak, sits back down at her microphone to speak with Jason/Ryan. But it’s someone new. A young boy, Bobby. Another personality. She engages Bobby about her husband. Roger is dead in the room. The daughters are in another room.

31. INT. PLACEHOLDER – STATION – DAY

Jason’s patient records are delivered to Sorenson. We see his picture for the first time.

MIDPOINT

32. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen falters. She becomes silent, deep in thought. Her producer and station manager are worried. They try to get her to engage Bobby. Sorenson enters. Everyone is concerned.

A determined, almost sinister visage appears in Ellen’s eyes. She speaks with Bobby about Jason, about his past personalities, specifically one named William. Does Bobby remember William? The others wonder what she’s doing.

33. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file and reads. He’s stunned by what he reads. William is a manic-depressive personality. And suicidal. Sorenson realizes what Ellen plans to do.

He warns Ellen that her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

34. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, gives Sorenson and the others a vengeful glare. She’s determined to save her daughters – her way. And she tries to pull out William’s personality.

35. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from Jason’s sister living in Memphis. She tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

36. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen learns Jason’s sister has called and puts her on air. Ellen listens to Jason’s sister tearfully plead for him to stop, breaking down Ellen emotions. But she remains resolute, reaching deeper into Jason to pull out William.

37. INT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson receives call from the department. They have a lead on Jason based on the information from the sister. But they need time.

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT

38. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William is now speaking to Ellen. She pushes him into a depressive state, and although anguished by the harm she’s causing to her patient, Ellen tells him that the only way for him to have peace is to kill himself. William pleads for Ellen to stop, pushing her to her own limits.

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes again, realizing what Ellen is attempting to do, and threatens to kill one of her daughters.

39. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on the phone. They have a fix on Jason, and units are on the way.

40. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

The SWAT van and police cars, lights on, racing to the location.

41. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pits the two personalities against one another. They flip back and forth, gun in hand, fighting for dominance.

Sorenson signals five minutes away.

42. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team is getting ready.

43. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushes William to take control, to save her daughters, not to let Ryan win.

44. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. Minutes away. Sorensen yelling they’re out of time.

CLIMAX

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushing hard. The two personalities yelling, one then the next, like two people arguing. William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen pushes him to save his daughters.

Silence. Then…

The gun goes off. Then nothing. Ellen stands, staring that the others. They all wait, holding their breathes. We hear SWAT kick the door. Noise. Confusion. The call drops. Nothing.

Sorenson bursts into the studio. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe. Ellen collapses, sobbing.

46. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographer surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen to a waiting car. She’s wrapped in a blanket, emotionally drained.

47. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

48. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

49. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Sorenson enters the squad room. The detectives stand and applaud. He’s given a heroes’ welcome. His lieutenant tells him to take the rest of the day.

Sorenson sits at his desk as everyone gets back to work. He receives a call, a physician from a local clinic. The physician tells Sorenson that he had been holding Jason for observation at his clinic under a different name for the past 10 days. Confused, Sorenson opens his computer. What’s the name? Randy Armstrong. He’s in the system. Sorensen types in the other name.

COMPUTER SCREEN: Jason’s picture pops up under Randy Armstrong. The physician didn’t put the face to the name until he saw Jason’s picture television.

Frantic, Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file. He scans the names of his other personalities.

INSERT JASON’S FILE. Sorenson’s finger drags down the page and finds Randy Armstrong listed as one of Jason’s other personalities.

The physician tells Sorenson that Randy was released and picked up by an Uber ride matching the dead Uber driver’s car an hour before Ellen’s family was kidnapped.

Sorenson suddenly realizes there had to be someone else involved.

CUT TO BLACK

VOICE OVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen.

DISSOLVE TO:

50. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING

VOICE OVER: A week has now passed. The host discusses the aftermath. One caller agrees with what Ellen did. Another doesn’t. The next caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan’s voice, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s 3^rd Pass – NQ 1 and 2

What I learned during this assignment:

Determining the DM and the MC and inserting those moments into the script made it easier to build momentum toward the Inciting Incident, First and Second Turning Points, Crisis, and the Climax. I realize this is the third pass, but I was still able to see the entire script when I rewrote my outline. Can’t wait to see what I do with the fourth pass.

Concept:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Dramatic Question:

Is Ellen skilled enough to stop a dangerous patient from murdering her family?

A. Where does the Dramatic Question first get established and how?

Before her show, the station manager talks with Ellen about her low ratings, making her question her abilities as a radio psychiatrist and talk show host.

B. How is the Dramatic Question increased in intensity?

Ellen is unable to confirm her family’s safety after the initial phone call threatening her family and becomes unnerved and distracted during her show.

Her husband calls into the show and confirms on air that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

The caller’s violent personality is confirmed during his conversation with Ellen.

The caller kills Ellen’s husband on air.

Ellen emotionally breaks down.

C. When does the Dramatic Question finally get answered?

In the 3^rd Act, after Ellen has drawn out her patient’s manic-depressive personality, she pushes him to kill himself.

Main Conflict:

A patient intends to kill a radio psychiatrist’s kidnapped family on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

A. When does the Main Conflict first show up?

When Ellen receives the initial call from her patient threatening to kill her family.

B. How many ways can you express the Main Conflict throughout the story?

Ellen’s husband calls her show to confirm he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

Ellen desperately tries to plead with the kidnapper to release her family.

The violent personality kills the husband.

C. What brings the Main Conflict to a boiling point in the 3^rd Act?

Ellen draws out the manic-depressive personality of her patient and pits the two personalities against themselves.

D. How is the Main Conflict resolved?

When Ellen pushes her patient to commit suicide.

STRUCTURE OUTLINE

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen is late for work and listening to a competitor’s radio show. She receives a phone call from her producer. Ellen is missing the staff meeting with the station manager. Ellen completely forgot.

Now more anxious, Ellen answers a call from her husband, Roger. His car won’t start, and he’s using Uber to take their daughters to school before he heads to work. But he needs Ellen to pick them up after her radio show. They argue about her work interfering with their family, and when she hangs up, she uses a few harsh words toward her husband.

2. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Ellen parks in the lot and runs inside, grappling with her purse and briefcase.

3. INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic. She takes Ellen’s purse and briefcase and hurries Ellen into the conference room.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen enters a packed room. Every chair around the table is full. Sheepishly, she sits down, but the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified.

After everyone leaves, Ellen meets with the station manager. He’s concerned about her ratings. She spends too much time with each caller. She’s no supposed to cure people. She’s supposed to advise them and move on. She needs to get her ratings up them up.

5. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen and her producer prepare for her show. Ellen relays the station manager’s meeting. Ellen wonders if she has what it takes to host a radio show. The producer tries to build her confidence. Ellen discusses how she left private practice and disrupted her family for this show.

Two minutes air, her producer takes her seat the production booth. Ellen settles in behind her microphone.

6. INT. PRODUCTION BOOTH – DAY

The station manager enters, and Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills dealing with Ellen, making her more self-conscience and nervous. He tells the producer he has a replacement already in mind. The station manager hovers to listen to the first call.

7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

We hear the show’s intro, and Ellen welcomes her listeners. She’s smooth and in control, but the first call is boring.

8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager leaves, disappointed. The producer screens the next caller, Jason, who suffers from multiple personality disorder. She puts him through immediately.

INCIDINT INDICENT

9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen engages the caller, drawing him out. When she recognizes Jason as an old patient, she advises that it’s inappropriate to continue the conversation. But before she an end the call, Jason informs Ellen that his more dominant and violent personality has kidnapped her family and that he intends to kill one every hour on air unless she excises the personality by the end of the show.

Stunned, not sure how to respond, the producer intercedes for Ellen and disconnects the call and goes to a commercial. Ellen tells her producer how and when she knew the caller.

Ellen grabs the studio phone and call her husband, but no answer. She calls the school to ask about her children.

10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager comes in. He quips about boring calls. Ellen learns her children have not arrived yet. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive. She’s concerned and unravelling. Her producer keeps her call. Back on air in 10 seconds.

The station manager leaves to call the police, just as a precaution.

11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen takes the next call, but is clearly distracted, concerned about her family’s safety.

12. INT. POLICE STATION – DETECTIVE SQUAD

Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation by his lieutenant. He’s alone. His partner’s in court. The lieutenant has no-one else. Sorensen accepts the case believing it’s a snipe hunt. A crank caller to a radio station. Just in case, the lieutenant will get departments ready.

13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is on air with another caller. During the break, she tries her husband again. Nothing. Calls his work. He hasn’t arrived. And the school still hasn’t called back.

14. INT. FRONT DESK – RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson arrives at the station. The station manager greets him, explains the situation. He takes Sorenson to meet Ellen.

15. INT. CONRTOL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson meets Ellen and reassures her not to worry. He will send units her husband’s work and to her daughter’s school. He interviews her to fill in the gaps.

FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

16. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

The producer screens another call. It’s Roger, Ellen’s husband. And when he’s put on air, he confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped. Ryan, the violent personality, is in control, and he explains the rules of his game. Ryan will only speak to Ellen. The show must never leave the air, even for a commercial.

17. INT. STATION – DAY

Sorenson coordinates the investigation. They need to track the husband’s phone. Put an APB on the patient, Jason and get his patient records. And they need to find the Uber driver.

18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, in shock, begins pleading with Ryan. She wants to talk to her family. Ryan won’t allow it. Why is he doing this? Because she failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and now he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.

19. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson conducts the investigation from the radio station. Jason is homeless. Check shelters, hospitals, find someone who knows him who would know where he might be.

20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen doctors her patient as Jason flips back and forth between personalities. The clock is coming up on the first hour. Sorenson – in the control booth – tells her to stall. SWAT is close.

21. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson gets a call. They have traced the husband’s phone. SWAT is enroute to the location.

22. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan.

23. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is still engaged with Jason, talking him down, stalling, waiting for SWAT.

24. INT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT team in full gear breaches the front door storms inside.

25. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

A man, ducked taped to a chair, tortured, dead. This is the Uber driver.

26. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson gets the call. It’s not Jason. But the husband’s phone is there. Jason/Ryan is using a spoof number.

27. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Laughing at the police incompetence, Jason informs Ellen it’s time for her choose which member of her family must die. Unable to choose, Jason threatens one of her daughters, and when Ellen pleads for her not to be harmed, Jason tells her that she has chosen by default.

We hear Jason drag her husband, Roger, into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her just before Jason shoots him on air. Jason hangs up, using radio jargon about taking a break.

Ellen flees from the booth, hysterical.

28. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson grabs her, and she falls into his arm on the floor, sobbing out of control. She says she’s going to be sick. He races her to the restroom.

29. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson tries to comfort her, to keep her strong. She slaps him hard, taking out her frustration on him. He tells her that Roger may be still alive, they “don’t know what we don’t know.” But now she must be strong for her daughters.

The station manager comes in. The caller is back on the line.

30. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, barely able to speak, sits back down at her microphone to speak with Jason/Ryan. But it’s someone new. A young boy, Bobby. Another personality. She engages Bobby about her husband. Roger is dead in the room. The daughters are in another room.

31. INT. PLACEHOLDER – STATION – DAY

Jason’s patient records are delivered to Sorenson. We see his picture for the first time.

MIDPOINT

32. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen falters. She becomes silent, deep in thought. Her producer and station manager are worried. They try to get her to engage Bobby. Sorenson enters. Everyone is concerned.

A determined, almost sinister visage appears in Ellen’s eyes. She speaks with Bobby about Jason, about his past personalities, specifically one named William. Does Bobby remember William? The others wonder what she’s doing.

33. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file and reads. He’s stunned by what he reads. William is a manic-depressive personality. And suicidal. Sorenson realizes what Ellen plans to do.

He warns Ellen that her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.

34. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, gives Sorenson and the others a vengeful glare. She’s determined to save her daughters – her way. And she tries to pull out William’s personality.

35. INT. PLACEHOLDER – DAY

Sorenson receives a call from Jason’s sister living in Memphis. She tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air?

36. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen learns Jason’s sister has called and puts her on air. Ellen listens to Jason’s sister tearfully plead for him to stop, breaking down Ellen emotions. But she remains resolute, reaching deeper into Jason to pull out William.

37. INT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson receives call from the department. They have a lead on Jason based on the information from the sister. But they need time.

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT

38. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

William is now speaking to Ellen. She pushes him into a depressive state, and although anguished by the harm she’s causing to her patient, Ellen tells him that the only way for him to have peace is to kill himself. William pleads for Ellen to stop, pushing her to her own limits.

CRISIS: Ryan intercedes again, realizing what Ellen is attempting to do, and threatens to kill one of her daughters.

39. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on the phone. They have a fix on Jason, and units are on the way.

40. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY

The SWAT van and police cars, lights on, racing to the location.

41. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pits the two personalities against one another. They flip back and forth, gun in hand, fighting for dominance.

Sorenson signals five minutes away.

42. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

The SWAT team is getting ready.

43. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushes William to take control, to save her daughters, not to let Ryan win.

44. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. Minutes away. Sorensen yelling they’re out of time.

45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen pushing hard. The two personalities yelling, one then the next, like two people arguing. William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen pleads for him to save his daughters.

Silence. Then…

The gun goes off. Then nothing. Ellen stands, staring that the others. They all wait, holding their breathes. We hear SWAT kick the door. Noise. Confusion. The call drops. Nothing.

A moment later, Sorenson bursts into the studio. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe. Ellen collapses.

46. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographer surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen to a waiting car. She’s wrapped in a blanket, emotionally drained.

47. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.

48. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.

49. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

Sorenson enters the squad room. The detectives stand and applaud. He’s given a heroes’ welcome. His lieutenant tells him to take the rest of the day.

Sorenson sits at his desk as everyone gets back to work. He receives a call, a physician from a local clinic. The physician tells Sorenson that he had been holding Jason for observation at his clinic under a different name for the past 10 days. Confused, Sorenson opens his computer. What’s the name? Randy Armstrong. He’s in the system. Sorensen types in the other name.

COMPUTER SCREEN: Jason’s picture pops up under Randy Armstrong. The physician didn’t put the face to the name until he saw Jason’s picture television.

Frantic, Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file. He scans the names of his other personalities.

INSERT JASON’S FILE. Sorenson’s finger drags down the page and finds Randy Armstrong listed as one of Jason’s other personalities.

The physician tells Sorenson that Randy was released an hour before Ellen’s family was kidnapped and picked up by Uber matching the dead Uber driver’s car.

Sorenson suddenly realizes there had to be someone else involved.

CUT TO BLACK

DISSOLVE TO:

50. EXT. CITY SCAPE – MORNING

VOICE OVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen. A week has now passed. One caller agrees with what Ellen did. Another doesn’t. The next caller tells the host he loves the host’s show. It’s Ryan, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web

What I learned during this assignment:

Outlining my script with this SLW format allowed me to see the story beat by beat. And having multiple sets of eyes read my SLW helped flush out the holes in the story, the structure, theme, and my character motivations. I learned to be concise and make sure character’s actions hit the right beat.

BEFORE

Title:

First Time Caller

Concept:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – The radio psychiatrist trying to save her family

Protagonist: Detective – The head of the police investigation trying to find the patient/caller

Antagonist: Patient/Caller – The schizophrenic caller threatening to killer Dr. Ellen’s family.

Dramatic Question:

Will the psychiatrist stop the patient/caller from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

An ex-patient takes a radio psychiatrist’s family hostage and threatens to kill them if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality.

Dilemma:

Can she overcome her insecurities to manipulate the patient/caller into harming himself to save her family?

Theme:

Vengeance is best served cold.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening:

In traffic, heading to work, Ellen (last name) receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work. He asks her to pick them up, and they have a fight over responsibility.

At work, she has a meeting with her station manager. They discuss her low ratings and how she needs to improve them. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients.

2. Inciting Incident:

Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them.

Believing the call is a crank, Dr. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. Concerned, but not panicked, the station calls the police.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

A violent schizophrenic has kidnapped her family and is about to play a game of life and death with her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

5. Midpoint:

Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.

With the police unable to find the caller, Dr. Ellen decides to extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to save her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide to save her daughters.

7. Crisis:

The violent personality reemerges to foil the psychiatrist’s plan.

8. Climax:

She pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can killer one of her daughters. The gun goes off. Nothing is known…until the cops kick the door and find the man dead. Her daughters are saved.

9. Resolution:

The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over.

At the station, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a hospital. He informs the detective that the patient/caller had been held for observation and was released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s the patient/caller who says, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Anxious radio host to powerful psychiatrist who saves her family

Protagonist: Detective – Reluctant investigator to zealot determined to find the caller.

Antagonist: Caller/Patient – Schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder to cold-blooded murderer.

============

DISCOVERIES AND IMPROVEMENT

I was explaining too much. I was able to narrow each beat down to one sentence and to the very moment when the beat should occur.

I also had two protagonists, which required more explanation. While the detective is essential to the story, he is a supporting character. Removing him as a protagonists enabled me to focus the conflict between the psychiatrist and the patient/caller.

I removed the schizophrenic diagnosis from the patient, as it did not apply.

I also improved the concept’s grammar, the dilemma, and I changed the theme.

AFTER

Title:

First Time Caller

Concept:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – A radio psychiatrist desperate to save her family.

Antagonist: The Caller – The dangerous patient threatening to kill Ellen’s family.

Dramatic Question:

Can Ellen stop her patient from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient intends to kill a radio psychiatrist’s kidnapped family on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Dilemma:

Does Ellen risk the lives of her family by trying to persuade the kidnapper from killing them or does she sacrifice her ethics and manipulate him into killing himself before he can execute his threat?

Theme:

Sacrificing morality to save another.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening:

Running late, Ellen’s husband calls to tell her that his car won’t start, and he’s using Uber to drop their daughters off at school before heading to his office. But when he insists that she pick them up after her show, they clash over his lack of respect for her work, and she hangs up with a few harsh words.

2. Inciting Incident:

Ellen takes a call from a man who suffers from multiple personality disorder, but the call takes a dangerous turn when he tells her that his more violent personality has kidnapped her family and he intends to kill one of them on air every hour unless she can excise the personality before the end of the show.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

A dangerous patient has kidnapped Ellen’s family, and she must play a deadly game of life and death on air to save them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

Ellen’s husband calls into the show and confirms that he and their two daughters have been kidnapped by the man’s violent personality, now in control, and is threatening to kill them if Ellen doesn’t play the man’s twisted game.

5. Midpoint:

When the police fail to capture the kidnapper, Ellen witnesses her husband’s murder on air, deepening her desperation and forcing her down a dark path to extract the patient’s manic-depressive personality and pressure him to commit suicide to saver her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, Ellen, though anguished by the harm she’s causing to her patient, begins to press him deeper into despair toward suicide.

7. Crisis:

With the gun in his hand, her patient pleads with Ellen to stop, but before he can pull the trigger, the violent personality reemerges to foil Ellen’s plan, and toys with her, deciding which daughter to execute next.

8. Climax:

Ellen pits the man’s personalities against each other in a raging right for dominance until she hears the gun go off, leaving her on edge in the silence until she hears SWAT kick the door moments later and discover the man dead and her daughters saved.

9. Resolution:

With Ellen sent to reunite with her daughters, the detective assigned to the case discovers that the patient was not working alone, that someone else was involved and still at large, and at the very end, that someone calls another radio show and tells the host, “I’m a long-time listener. And first-time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Ellen

Part to be changed: Anxious about her skills as a radio psychiatrist

Biggest fear: The kidnapper will murder her family

Completion of arc: She manipulates the kidnapper into killing himself and saves her daughters

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s SLW Version 2

Concept:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns her that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Radio psychiatrist desperate to save her family.

Protagonist: Detective – Head of the police investigation determined to find the caller.

Antagonist: Caller – Patient threatening to kill Dr. Ellen’s family.

Dramatic Question:

Will the psychiatrist be able to stop the patient/caller from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient threatens to kill a radio psychiatrist’s family on air if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality before the end of the show.

Dilemma:

Will she abandon her medical ethics to manipulate her patient into harming himself to save her family?

Theme:

What would you sacrifice to save another?

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening:

Heading to work, Ellen receives a call from her producer that she’s late to a staff meeting with the station manager that Ellen forgot. Already anxious, her husband calls next and tells Ellen that his car won’t start, that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school before heading to work. He asks if she can pick them up after her show, and they have a fight over responsibility. She hangs up with a few harsh words.

At work, she arrives to the staff meeting as everyone is leaving. Mortified, she meets with the station manager alone. They discuss her ratings and how she needs to improve them. He knows she’s new to radio, but she spends too much time with each caller. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients. He tells her she can’t spend the entire show with one caller.

2. Inciting Incident:

Ellen takes a call from a man who claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder. Good ratings. But he soon tells Ellen that his dominant and violent personality has kidnapped her family and that he intends to kill one of them every hour on air unless she can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Believing the call is a crank, her producer hangs up the call and goes to a commercial. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. The school promises to call when they arrive.

Concerned and unnerved, Ellen continues her show, though distracted. She keeps texting and calling her husband, while the station manager calls the police as a precaution.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

A dangerous patient has kidnapped Ellen’s family and is about to play a game of life and death with her on air.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

The detective has arrived at the station, believing this to be a snipe hunt. A crank caller. While questioning Ellen, her husband calls into the show. On air, he confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped. But when the patient comes on the line, the violent personality has taken control, and he threatens to kill everyone if Ellen doesn’t play along.

The game has started.

5. Midpoint:

Recognizing the caller as an ex-patient, Ellen remains on air desperate to talk him down while the detective runs the investigation from the radio station. The call cannot be traced. They don’t know why. But they have one lead – the Uber driver. But when SWAT kicks in the door, they find the Uber driver dead in his home. It’s not him.

Laughing at the police incompetence, the violent personality, now in control, informs Ellen it’s time for her choose which member of her family must die. Unable to choose, the caller threatens her daughters, and when she pleads for them not to be harmed, she has chosen by default. The caller shoots her husband on air.

Ellen bolts from the studio and falls into the detective’s arms in an emotional breakdown. He becomes her strength and gets her back into the studio. After a long, silent moment, with the police unable to find the man, Ellen understands what she must do: extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to kill himself to save her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she pushes him to commit suicide. The patient pleads for her not to do this to him, and although her anguish of harming him is obvious, she presses him harder, sacrificing her ethics and her patient to save her daughters.

7. Crisis:

The violent personality reemerges to foil the psychiatrist’s plan.

8. Climax:

The cops have identified the patient’s possible location. SWAT is racing to the scene while Ellen pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can kill one of her daughters. It’s a race against time, the top of the hour is coming up. But before SWAT arrives, the gun goes off. Nothing is heard. Everyone on edge, listening through the phone.

Moments later, she hears SWAT kick in the door. But as they clear the house, the call goes dead.

The detective burst into the studio. SWAT found the patient dead. A self-inflicted wound. Her daughters are safe. Ellen collapses in an emotional heap.

9. Resolution:

The detective puts Ellen in the back of a car and sends her to meet her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other as she is driven away. It’s over.

At the police station, the detective receives congratulations from his lieutenant and the other detectives. Seated as his desk, he receives a phone call from a physician at a local hospital. The physician informs the detective that his clinic had been holding the patient/ caller for a 10-day observation and he was released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Ellen’s nightmare when the morning host receives a call. The patient/caller is on the phone and tells host, “I’m a long-time listener. And first-time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Radio host to powerful psychiatrist who saves her family.

Protagonist: Detective – Reluctant to determined investigator.

Antagonist: Caller/Patient – Patient with multiple personality disorder to cold-blooded murderer.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Dana Abbott.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s SLW Version 1

Concept:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – The radio psychiatrist trying to save her family

Protagonist: Detective – The head of the police investigation trying to find the patient/caller

Antagonist: Patient/Caller – The schizophrenic caller threating to killer Dr. Ellen’s family.

Dramatic Question:

Will the psychiatrist stop the patient/caller from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

An ex-patient takes a radio psychiatrist’s family hostage and threatens to kill them if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality.

Dilemma:

Can she overcome her insecurities to manipulate the patient/caller into harming himself to save her family?

Theme:

Vengeance is best served cold.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening:

In traffic, heading to work, Ellen (last name) receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work. He asks her to pick them up, and they have a fight over responsibility.

At work, she has a meeting with her station manager. They discuss her low ratings and how she needs to improve them. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients.

2. Inciting Incident:

Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them.

Believing the call is a crank, Dr. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. Concerned, but not panicked, the station calls the police.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

A violent schizophrenic has kidnapped her family and is about to play a game of life and death with her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

5. Midpoint:

Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.

With the police unable to find the caller, Dr. Ellen decides to extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to save her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide to save her daughters.

7. Crisis:

The violent personality reemerges to foil the psychiatrist’s plan.

8. Climax:

She pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can killer one of her daughters. The gun goes off. Nothing is known…until the cops kick the door and find the man dead. Her daughters are saved.

9. Resolution:

The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over.

At the station, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a hospital. He informs the detective that the patient/caller had been held for observation and was released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s the patient/caller who says, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Anxious radio host to powerful psychiatrist who saves her family

Protagonist: Detective – Reluctant investigator to zealot determined to find the caller.

Antagonist: Caller/Patient – Schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder to cold-blooded murderer.

[Dana Abbott]

I want to thank everyone who helped with my SLW. You gave me some great input and ideas that I hadn’t considered. You really helped elevate my SLW. Thank you very much.

PS81 – Dana’s Pass 2: SLW Version 3

Title:

First Time Caller

Concept:

A patient with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Plot Choice: #8 – Rivalry

Character Structure: #1 Protagonist vs. Antagonist

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – A radio psychiatrist desperate to save her family.

Antagonist: The Caller – The dangerous patient threatening to kill Ellen’s family.

Dramatic Question:

Will Ellen be able to stop her ex-patient from murdering her family?

Main Conflict:

A dangerous patient threatens to kill a radio psychiatrist’s family on air if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality before the end of the show.

Dilemma:

Risk the lives of family and try to persuade her patient from killing them or sacrifice her ethics and manipulate him into killing himself before he executes his threat.

Theme:

Sacrificing morality to save another.

Plot/Structure:

1. Opening:

Running late, Ellen’s husband calls to tell her that his car won’t start, and he’s using Uber to drop their daughters off at school before heading to his office. But when he insists that she pick them up after her show, they clash over his lack of respect for her work, and she hangs up with a few harsh words.

2. Inciting Incident:

Ellen takes a call from a man who suffers from multiple personality disorder, but the call takes a dangerous turn when he tells her that his more violent personality has kidnapped her family and he intends to kill one of them on air every hour unless she can excise the personality before the end of the show.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

A dangerous patient has kidnapped Ellen’s family, and she must play a deadly game of life and death on air to save them.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

Ellen’s husband calls into the show and confirms that he and their two daughters have been kidnapped by the man’s violent personality, now in control, and is threatening to kill them if Ellen doesn’t play the man’s twisted game.

5. Midpoint:

When the police fail to capture the kidnapper, Ellen witnesses her husband’s murder on air, deepening her desperation and forcing her down a dark path to extract the patient’s manic-depressive personality and pressure him to commit suicide to saver her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, Ellen, though anguished by the harm she’s causing to her patient, begins to press him deeper into despair toward suicide.

7. Crisis:

With the gun in his hand, her patient pleads with Ellen to stop, but before he can pull the trigger, the violent personality reemerges to foil Ellen’s plan, and toys with her, choosing which daughter he should execute.

8. Climax:

Ellen pits the man’s personalities against each other in a raging right for dominance until she hears the gun go off, leaving her on edge in the silence until she hears SWAT kick the door moments later and discover the man dead and her daughters saved.

9. Resolution:

With Ellen sent to reunite with her daughters, the detective assigned to the case discovers that the patient was not working alone, that someone else was involved and still at large, and at the very end, that someone calls another radio show and tells the host, “I’m a long-time listener. And first-time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Ellen

Part to be changed: Anxious about her skills as a radio psychiatrist

Biggest fear: The kidnapper will murder her family

Completion of arc: She manipulates the kidnapper into killing himself and saves her daughters

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Pass 2: Story Logic Web

What I learned during this assignment:

Rethinking the story helped me delve deeper in the character motives and story layers to bring greater tension to the conflict. I changed the dilemma and theme and increased the motivation for a secondary protagonist to increase the rivalry between the lead characters and the story’s race against time.

I also reordered the plot/structure to better define the Second Act Turning Point, the Crisis, and the Climax.

BEFORE

Concept

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Lead Characters

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – The radio psychiatrist trying to save her family
Antagonist: Patient/Caller – The schizophrenic caller threating to killer Dr. Ellen’s family.

Plot/Structure: #8 – Rivalry

1. Opening:

In traffic, heading to work, Ellen (last name) receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work.

At work, she has a meeting with her station manager. They discuss her low ratings and how to improve them. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients.

2. Inciting Incident:

Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Believing the call is a crank, Dr. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. Concerned, but not panicked, the station calls the police.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

5. Midpoint:

Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

To save her daughters, and with the police unable to find the man, Dr. Ellen decides to extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to save her daughters.

7. Crisis:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide to save her daughters, only for his violent personality to reemerge.

8. Climax:

She pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can killer one of her daughters. The gun goes off. Nothing is known…until the cops kick the door and find the man dead. Her daughters are saved.

9. Resolution:

The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over.

At the station, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a hospital. He informs the detective that the patient/caller had been held for observation and was released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s the patient/caller who says, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – From anxious radio doctor to powerful psychiatrist who saves her family
Antagonist: Caller/Patient – From schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder to cold-blooded murderer.

Main Conflict:

A schizophrenic patient takes a radio psychiatrist’s family hostage and threatens to kill them.

Dramatic Question:

Can the psychiatrist stop the patient/caller from murdering her family?

Dilemma:

Will she sacrifice her medical ethics of do no harm to a patient to save her family?

Theme:

How far would you go to save another?

DISCOVERIES and IMPROVEMENTS:

1. Create tension between the psychiatrist and her husband regarding their children in the opening. This creates greater emotion after he’s killed when she realizes her last words to him were harsh.

2. Have the psychiatrist recognize her ex-patient earlier to

a. Create a personal relationship between them

b. Emphasize the patient’s anger at the psychiatrist for not helping him, passing him off to another physician and leaving her practice for a radio show.

3. Increase Detective’s inability to find the schizophrenic, pushing the psychiatrist to take matters in her own hands

4. After her husband is killed, the psychiatrist sets aside her anguish and allows vengeance to take control.

AFTER

Concept:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Lead Characters:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – The radio psychiatrist trying to save her family

Protagonist: Detective – The head of the police investigation trying to find the patient/caller

Antagonist: Patient/Caller – The schizophrenic caller threating to killer Dr. Ellen’s family.

Plot/Structure: (Tell us the Plot number and type. Then give us the 9 beats of your structure.)

1. Opening:

In traffic, heading to work, Ellen (last name) receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work. He asks her to pick them up, and they have a fight over responsibility.

At work, she has a meeting with her station manager. They discuss her low ratings and how she needs to improve them. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients.

2. Inciting Incident:

Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them.

Believing the call is a crank, Dr. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. Concerned, but not panicked, the station calls the police.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

A violent schizophrenic has kidnapped her family and is about to play a game of life and death with her.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1:

The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

5. Midpoint:

Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.

With the police unable to find the caller, Dr. Ellen decides to extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to save her daughters.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide to save her daughters.

7. Crisis:

The violent personality reemerges to foil the psychiatrist’s plan.

8. Climax:

She pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can killer one of her daughters. The gun goes off. Nothing is known…until the cops kick the door and find the man dead. Her daughters are saved.

9. Resolution:

The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over.

At the station, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a hospital. He informs the detective that the patient/caller had been held for observation and was released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s the patient/caller who says, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”

Character Arc:

Protagonist: Dr. Ellen – Anxious radio doctor to powerful psychiatrist who saves her family

Protagonist: Detective – Reluctant investigator to zealot determined to find the caller.

Antagonist: Caller/Patient – Schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder to cold-blooded murderer.

Main Conflict:

An ex-patient takes a radio psychiatrist’s family hostage and threatens to kill them if she doesn’t excise his more violent personality.

Dramatic Question:

Will the psychiatrist stop the patient/caller from murdering her family?

Dilemma:

Can she overcome limited psychiatric ability to manipulate the patient/caller into harming himself to save her family?

Theme:

Vengeance is best served cold.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s First Pass

What I learned during this assignment:

Assembling the most poignant scenes in this first pass helped me visualize the script to move the story forward without worrying about the entire story, which is what I used to do. Work smarter, not harder.

1. LONGLINE

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

2. PLOT/PLOT SUMMARY: #8 RIVALRY

(After reviewing the Dramatic Plots again, I have changed to Rivalry)

The psychiatrist, new to radio, is concerned with her low ratings. When a caller phones in and tells her that he has kidnapped her husband and two daughters, she is stunned. She decides it’s a crank call, but she tries to call her husband to confirm her family’s safety. When they cannot be found, the police are called, and a detective arrives at the station to investigate. Her next caller is her husband telling her on air that he and their two daughters have been kidnapped. She is pitted against a violent schizophrenic that forces her to turn against her hypocritic oath to do no harm to the patient to save her family.

3. STRUCTURE

Opening Scene: In traffic, heading to work, Dr. Ellen receives from producer. She’s late for the staff meeting. She’s on her way. She then receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work. They argue over picking them up. She agrees.

Inciting Incident: Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them.

First Act Turning Point: The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

Midpoint: Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.

Second Act Turning Point: To save her daughters, and with the police unable to find the man, Dr. Ellen decides to extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to save her daughters.

Crisis: Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide to save her daughters, only for his violent personality to reemerge.

Climax: She pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can killer one of her daughters. The gun goes off. Nothing is known…until the cops kick the door and find the man dead. Her daughters are saved.

Resolution: The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over.

Back at the station house, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a psych hospital. He informs the detective that the patient was being held for observation and was had only released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s Dr. Ellen’s patient who said, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”

4. Protagonist Character Arc: Dr. Ellen goes from an insecure radio personality concerned about ratings to a powerful psychiatrist that takes down a violent schizophrenic on air.

Part to be changed: Insecure about her abilities
Biggest fear: Her family will be killed
Completion of Arc: Defeats the schizophrenic patient that kidnapped her family

5. PLOT IN STRUCTURE

Opening Scene: Heading to work, Dr. Ellen receives from producer. She’s late for the staff meeting. She’s on her way. She then receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work. They argue over picking them up. She agrees.

1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY

Ellen in her car listening to a competitor’s radio show on her way to work. She receives a phone call from her producer that she’s late to the staff meeting. She’s hurrying.

She receives a phone call from her husband that his car won’t start and has called Uber to take their daughters to school before he heads to work. He needs Ellen to pick them up. They argue, but she agrees.

2. EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Ellen arrives at work and runs into her radio station.

3. INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Ellen’s producer meets her, panicked that she’s late to the meeting. The producer hands Ellen what she needs and takes her purse to her office.

4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY

Ellen comes in late to a packed room. Every chair around the table is full. When she sits down, the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified. Ellen meets with the station manager. He’s concerned about her ratings. She needs to get them up.

Inciting Incident: Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Dr. Ellen will be pitted against a violent schizophrenic to save her family.

5. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY

Ellen is at the microphone. Her producer is in the control booth. The station manager is hovering listening to the first call. It’s boring. The station manager leaves, disappointed. The next caller is a patient. He tells Ellen that he has kidnapped her family and threatens to kill them.

Believing the call is a crank, Dr. Ellen hangs up and goes to break.

6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

The station manager comes in. Quips about boring calls. Ellen tries to call her husband, but his phone goes to voicemail. She calls her children’s school. Her children have not arrived yet. Call when they arrive.

7. INT. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

Concerned, the station manager calls the police.

8. INT. POLICE STATION – DETECTIVE SQUAD

Lieutenant assigns the investigation to a detective.

9. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen is on air with another caller. During the break, she tries her husband again. Nothing. Calls his work. The school hasn’t called.

10. INT. STATION ENTRY – DAY

Detective arrives. Meets station manager.

11. CONRTOL BOOTH – DAY

During break, the Detective and Ellen talk about her husband. He took Uber. They’ll check it out. Where does he work? Dispatch a unit to his work and to her daughter’s school.

First Act Turning Point: The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

12. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen takes another caller. It’s her husband. He’s been kidnapped with their two daughters. The patient comes on the line. He explains the rules of the game.

13. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

Detective steps out to coordinate investigation with agencies.

14. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen, in shock, tries to talk to the patient down.

Midpoint: Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.

15. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen, now talking with patient, in therapy session. The clock is coming up on the first hour. Detective – in the control booth – telling her to stall. On his phone.

16. EXT. HOUSE – DAY

SWAT team in full gear breach the front door.

17. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

A man, ducked taped to a chair, tortured, dead. This is the Uber driver.

18. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY

Detective gets the call. It’s not him.

19. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

The patient toys with Ellen. He knows they found the Uber driver. It’s time to choose someone to die. Ellen cannot choose and fights for her daughters. The husband is then chosen by default.

We hear the husband dragged into the room. He tries to tell Ellen he lovers her. A gun goes off. The patient says it’s time for a hard break and hangs up.

Ellen flees from the booth, hysterical.

20. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The detective grabs her, and she falls into his arm on the floor, sobbing, emotions out of control. She says she’s going to be sick.

21. INT. RESTROOM – DAY

The detective kicks open the door. Ellen falls to a toilet and throws up. He tries to comfort her. She slaps him hard, taking out her frustration. He tells she must be strong for her daughters.

The station manager comes in. The caller is back on the line.

22. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen, barely able to speak, sits down at her microphone to speak with the patient. But now it’s someone new. A young boy. Another personality. She engages him and realizes she knows the patient.

23. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The Detective gives his team the name. They begin searching for the man. They need his records. Go to Dr. Ellen’s and get the files.

24. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen hesitates, faltering. Her producer and station manager are worried. They try to get her attention, back on air. The Detective reenters.

Ellen has sinister visage. She begins to speak with the young boy about a past personality and she begins to draw him out. The others wonder what she’s doing.

SECOND ACT TURNING POINT: Dr. Ellen successfully extracts one of her patient’s suppressed personalities, a manic-depressive, and manipulates him to save her daughters.

25. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen draws out the new personality and begins to push him deeper into his depressive state, telling him that the only way for him to have peace is to kill himself. She pushes hard, but the patient resists.

26. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The Detective receives call from station. They have a bead on the patient. His sister lives in Memphis. The patient is one of San Francisco’s homeless. Check homeless shelters, hospitals to find someone who knows him who would know where he might be.

CRISIS: Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide before his violent personality kills her daughters, only for his violent personality to reemerge.

27. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen pulls out the personality, but before she can manipulate him, the violent personality intercedes. It’s not a battle of wills.

28. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

They got a fix. The patient used to live with at another homeless guy in a flop house. They have units on the way.

Climax: She pits the two personalities against each other.

29. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen pits the patient’s two personalities against each other. They fight for dominance. More violent.

30. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY

Enroute, the SWAT team is getting ready.

31. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen is finally in control, calm, pushing the manic-depressive personality to take over and save her daughters, not to let the other personality win.

32. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

The Detective on his phone, listening. SWAT is close. Minutes away.

33. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY

Ellen is pushing hard. The two personalities yelling back and forth. The gun goes off. Nothing is heard. Ellen, stands, looking around that the others. All wait, holding their breathes.

We hear SWAT kick the door. Noise. Confusion.

The Detective enters the booth. The caller is dead. Her daughters are saved. Ellen collapses.

Resolution: The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over.

Back at the station house, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a psych hospital. He informs the detective that the patient was being held for observation and was had only released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s Dr. Ellen’s patient who said, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”

34. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Press and photographer surround the station. The Detective walks Ellen out to a waiting car. She’s wrapped in a blanket, emotionally drained.

35. INT. CAR – DAY

The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks out the back window at the Detective watching her leave. She places her hand against the window to wave goodbye and thanks.

36. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY

The Detective waves back and watches Ellen drive off. Flash bulbs go off. Questions assail him.

37. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

The Detective enters the squad room. The other detectives stand and applaud. He’s given a heroes’ welcome. His lieutenant tells him to take the rest of the day.

The Detective sits at his desk as everyone gets back to work. He gets a call from a physician that tells him that the patient was being held at his clinic for observation for the past 10 days. The Detective opens his computer and types in the man’s name. He’s in the system.

COMPUTER SCREEN: The picture is the same man. The Detective then opens the man’s patient file he got from Dr. Ellen. He scans the names of his other personalities. The man was held at the clinic under another name.

The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

38. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – MORNING

Another morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen. They open the show to callers. The first caller is the violent personality. He tells the host he loves his show. “I’m a lone times listener. First time caller.”

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Act 3 Reaction to Midpoint

What have I learned from this assignment?

My protagonists have been headed in the same direction with the different objectives, one wanting vengeance and the other justice. The Midpoint twisted the story, and the beginning of Act 3 is now emphasizing their divergent personalities.

OUTLINE

INT. GOVERNOR’S MANSION – DAY

BEGINNING: The governor is outraged at the political mess Hill has created. That Jack and Frank have killed the technician. He thinks me may have to drop from VP consideration.

MIDDLE: Margery excuses Hill from the room. She tells him he’s not dropping out. She has her own ambitions beyond him. She’s tolerated his philandering, his affair with his campaign manager. She then tells him what she has done to protect them.

END: Margery orders him to do a press conference about law and order. And that she’ll clean up the mess.

EXT. JORGENSEN HOME – NIGHT

BEGINNING: Jorgensen’s body flops into the pool. He’s already dead or drugged.

MIDDLE: Simon receives a phone call. He informs his client he did not kill the technician. They must have another player in the game. He’ll sort it out.

END: Simon makes sure Jorgensen is drowned in the pool. Then leaves.

INT. SAFEHOUSE – NIGHT

BEGINNING: Jack and Frank argue over Frank’s involvement with the Russians. Jack is not compromised.

MIDDLE: After the argument, they try to answer the question. Why would the governor what Marcus Jones dead?

END: They decide to investigate Marcus Jones. Who was he? Who would know?

SCRIPT –

INT. OFFICE – GOVERNOR’S HOME – NIGHT

Newbaum is angry and depressed. He’s pacing, almost on the verge of tears. Douglas Hill stands near the door, patient, listening.

Margery is more poised, allowing her husband to vent.

NEWBAUM

I don’t believe this. I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!

(to Hill)

How could you let this happen? You were supposed to muscle these guys out of state. And now they’re out there taking revenge on everybody who put them away!

HILL

They can’t get to you, governor, if that’s what you’re concerned about.

NEWBAUM

What makes you so sure? Because you’ve done such a bang-up job so far? And don’t think for one minute you’re not in their crosshairs.

MARGERY

Relax, Bill. Douglas is right. You’re not in any physical danger. But we have to repair the damage and protect your legacy.

NEWBAUM

My legacy? And exactly what is that, Margery? My prison reform program just let out to maniacs!

Newbaum stops pacing, thinking, dejected.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)

I’ll have to withdraw from VP consideration.

Margery doesn’t like that news. She looks to Douglas.

MARGERY

Douglas? Will you excuse us?

HILL

Of course.

Hill excuses himself, closing the door softly behind him.

Newbaum looks at his wife, confused.

NEWBAUM

What?

MARGERY

You’re not withdrawing from anything. Do you understand? We’ve been preparing for this opportunity since law school. And now we’re one breath away from the vice presidency. So stop acting like a nervous virgin on her wedding night and step into the game.

NEWBAUM

What do you suggest I do, Margery? The press is killing me on this.

MARGERY

You do what all good politicians do. You pivot. You’ll hold a press conference tomorrow and talk about the rule of law. You’ll praise the merits of your program but put the blame on the parole board for not consulting you before they released these two men. You will mention them by name and assure the public they will be found and punished. We will arrange for you to receive the right questions from the standard reporters and show the public that you’re not afraid — and spin this moment into victory.

NEWBAUM

Maybe they should offer you the vice presidency.

MARGERY

Don’t think I wouldn’t accept it. My ambitions reach far beyond your own. Or do you think I’ve stayed with you all these years just to revel in your achievements? The little woman home baking cookies? I’ve tolerated your philandering, your whores. Your dalliances with interns. Do you think I don’t know about your chief of staff? Who do you think brought her into your campaign? It was safer for you to be involved with one whore than aiming that foolish thing of yours at everyone else.

Newbaum is dumbfounded, gazing at his wife, embarrassed.

MARGERY (CONT’D)

I’ve cleaned up every one of your messes. I’ve protected you from yourself for years. And tomorrow, when you step before the public, you’re going to return the favor.

NEWBAUM

What have you done?

MARGERY

What you never had the ball to do.

Margery turns and leaves, closing the door.

Newbaum stands in the middle of the room. He’s now alone.

CUT TO:

EXT. SWIMMING POOL – UNDERWATER – NIGHT

Jorgensen’s body splashes into the water, buck naked. Dead? Drugged? He floats for a moment.

EXT. SWIMMING POOL – JORGENSEN’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Simon stands at the edge of the pool making sure Jorgensen doesn’t recover and swim out. His phone BUZZES.

SIMON

Hello? — Yes. I’m taking care of that now.

(he listens)

I heard. I assumed Mr. Hill was up to his usual stellar performance.

(he listens)

No. I don’t think it’s them. From what I know, Valentino has the sand, but not Donovan. He wouldn’t allow it. You may have another player.

INT. A ROOM IN THE GOVERNOR’S HOME – CONTINUOUS

Margery is on her cell phone.

MARGERY

Flush them out. I need to know who it is.

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

SIMON

That’s not our arrangement.

MARGERY

I’ll make it worth your while. But I need this resolved in forty-eight hours.

SIMON

I’ll see what I can do. But try to keep Mr. Hill on a lease. He tries to impress the governor too much.

Margery hands up.

EXT. SWIMMING POOL – JORGENSEN’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Simon puts his phone away. Satisfied Jorgensen is dead, he heads out.

Final shot of Jorgensen floating in the pool.

CUT TO:

INT. A SAFE HOUSE ROOM – NIGHT

It has a decided Russian flair to the furnishings.

Frank pours two whiskeys from a snifter.

He hands a glass to Jack who’s sitting in a chair. Jack takes it, reluctantly. His mind is elsewhere.

JACK

What did you do for these people?

FRANK

It’s blood under the bridge.

JACK

Not any more. You’ve compromised me. Whatever you owe them, I owe them.

FRANK

No. This is on me. Not you. Oksana knows that.

JACK

And you trust her? Are your out of your mind?

Jack storms out of his chair.

JACK (CONT’D)

Oksana Volkov doesn’t forgive a debt. I heard what she did to her uncle.

Frank ignores his friend and slides in chair.

JACK (CONT’D)

(staring into his drink)

You’ve cursed us both. I’ll never get back to my daughter.

FRANK

Take a drink.

Jack signs heavy, then swallows his whiskey in a gulp.

FRANK (CONT’D)

The rumors about her uncle are false.

(long beat)

It was her father.

JACK

Oh, that’s much more comforting. How you know you can even trust her? She could be selling us out right now.

FRANK

Oksana may be a mobster, but she’d never backstab a deal. It’s bad for business. That makes this place the safest hole in town. And right now, we have every cop and state agency looking for us. We need to lay low and figure this shit out. So before you curse us to eternal damnation, pour yourself a drink and chill.

Jack relents and pours himself another whiskey.

JACK

Why would Newbaum want Marcus Jones killed?

FRANK

A twenty-year-old black activist? He was a threat of some kind. And remember, Newbaum was the AG back then.

JACK

Riding our ass to the governor’s mansion.

(thinking)

We need to find someone who knew this kid.

FRANK

Unfortunately, anybody who knew him ain’t gonna talk to us.

JACK

Then maybe we should talk to Marcus himself.

Jack tips his drink to Frank, who looks as confused as hell.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana has completed Act 2

What have I learned from this assignment?

I wrote all my scene during the previous lesson. Once I had a clear vision and could see the Midpoint, scripting became easier and faster. It’s not perfect, but it’s close to what I want.

SCENES COMPLETED.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Act 2 Midpoint

What have I learned from this assignment?

Understanding the midpoint twist creates a new plot for the story, giving my script a new direction to follow. You’re giving the audience, in a sense, two completely different stories, each with their own beginning, middle, and end.

OUTLINE –

INT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – DAY

BEGINNING: Jack and Frank seek out the Russians for help. They need a place to hide. Jack learns that Frank did favors for the Russian while in prison to save their lives.

MIDDLE: She tells them they were paroled at a lesson to the governor. A reminder of his friend’s power. They learn the governor withheld evidence to guarantee their conviction and give him the governorship.

END: The Russian tells them they have been too involved in who. Now they should seek the whys.

SCRIPT –

INT. RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB – NIGHT

It’s a dark, long, private club. Very few people, shadows of people, mostly men.

OKSANA VOLKOV, 50’s, elegant, long raven-black hair, black attire, formidable. She sits at a private round table in the very back steeping her Russian tea.

A RUSSIAN BODYGUARD slides up and quietly whispers in her ear. She listens, approves and nods. The bodyguard signals another.

Frank and Jack are ushered into view by another bodyguard. Frank stands in front. He seems to know what’s happening. Jack is wary and uncertain.

Oksana smiles a subtle, patient smile.

OKSANA

Frank Valentino. We meet in the flesh — after all these years. And this must be the notorious Jack Donovan. I’ve heard about you.

(beat)

Please. Sit.

Jack and Frank take opposite sides, placing Oksana in the middle of the conversation to come.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Would you care for some tea? It’s Russian. So be warned.

FRANK

I could use some coffee.

OKSANA

(smiling)

Of course.

(to a bodyguard)

Bring two espressos for our guests. They look in need of a jolt.

Oksana waves off he other bodyguard for privacy. She stirs her tea pensively.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Okay, gentlemen. What brings you here to see me on this fine day?

FRANK

You know I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to be.

OKSANA

Nobody ever wants to be here, Frank. You, of all people, know that.

Oksana sips her tea. She and Frank are sharing a moment. Jack watches their interaction, somewhat lost.

FRANK

We need your help.

OKSANA

I’m sure you do. Torturing and killing that poor technician and his wife. You’re wanted men now.

JACK

We didn’t killed anybody.

OKSANA

That was your defense at your last trial. How did it work out for you?

A man brings Jack and Frank their coffees and quickly leaves.

FRANK

We need a place to lay low for a few days. Figure things out.

OKSANA

You know me. I never refuse an accommodation. But nothing is free. Everything comes with a price.

JACK

What are you doing? Asking her for help? Are you out of your mind? Do you want us to be in indebted to this one?

Oksana remains patient, smiling and sipping her tea. She looks to Frank.

OKSANA

He doesn’t know, does he?

Frank says nothing.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Frank did favors for us while he was inside. A witness here. An informant there.

Jack looks across the table at his partner, staggered.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Don’t judge your partner too harshly, Mr. Donovan. Prison has a way of bringing out a man’s animal nature — as you well know. And serving our interests kept him alive…

(beat)

And you.

Jack shoots a stare back at Oksana.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Do you really think you survived prison by hiding in your little cell? Frank traded lives. His and yours for men of little importance.

JACK

I didn’t ask him to do that.

OKSANA

Nonetheless, you’re here now due to your partner’s altruism. You should thank him. Without our protection, you would have been dead within a year. The governor’s friends have a very long reach.

JACK

The governor?

OKSANA

You didn’t know?

Oksana studies the numb faces at her table. She feigns anger at herself.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

When will I ever learn to keep my mouth shut? It’s one of my biggest faults. Second to vengeance.

(she sips her tea)

Prosecuting you gave him his job. But he needed to guarantee your conviction first.

JACK

How do you know this?

OKSANA

Some rumors always ring true.

FRANK

Do you have your hooks in him?

OKSANA

No. And we don’t pilfer. But from time to time, we paid his friends for his services.

(she sips her tea)

Cultivating a politician takes time and money. Like a great artist or a poet. But sometimes, even the most obedient pet forget his benefactors and needs to be reminded who they serve.

JACK

And we’re the reminder.

OKSANA

His friends were concerned that he would forget them on his political ascension to Washington.

FRANK

And that’s why they got us out of prison?

OKSANA

Your pawns in a three dimensional game of chess with many players.

Jack and Frank look across the table at each other, finally recognizing the real power they’re up against.

OKSANA (CONT’D)

Now that you know the who of things, perhaps you should consider the why?

FRANK

You just told us why.

OKSANA

Not the why of you.

JACK

You mean Marcus Jones.

Oksana tips her cup of tea to him.

FRANK

Why don’t you tell us?

CLOSE SHOT – OKSANA

She smiles wryly, her cup to her lips.

OKSANA

What would be the fun of that?

She sips her tea again.

[Dana Abbott]

PS81 – Dana’s Basic Instinct Outline

What I learned during this assignment:

Outlining a movie scene by scene made me see every scene, short and small, that I may have missed by just watching. It made me realize the intricacies of a thriller and how detailed my outline must be before I begin writing the script..

Dramatic Question:

Did Catherine Tramell murder her lover in cold blood with an ice pick?

Main Conflict:

Detective Nick Curren must play a psychological game of cat and mouse with Catherine to determine if she killed her lover or if she’s being framed by another person.

Dilemma:

Will Nick’s obsession for Catherine prevent him from finding the truth or will he allow his obsession for her let her escape?

Theme:

Obsession can blind you from the truth.

OUTLINE: BASIC INSTINCT

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Two people making love. The woman pulls an ice pick and ruthlessly kills her partner.

EXT. BROWNSTONE – DAY

SF detective’s car zooms up to the brownstone. Detectives Nick Curren and Gus Moran head inside.

INT. ENTRY

Nick and Gus head upstairs to the bedroom. They discuss victim, Johnny Boz.

INT. BEDROOM

Nick and Gus join the investigation team. The captain is also there. It’s political. They learn Catherine Tramell was last seen with the victim.

INT. STAIRWELL

Nick and Gus heading down. The lieutenant tells him to keep his 3 o’clock appointment, They argue. Nick agrees.

EXT. CATHERINE TRAMELL’S MANSION – DAY

Nick and Gus ring the doorbell. Introduce themselves to the maid. They want to speak to Catherine. She lets them in.

INT. ENTRY

Nick and Gus enter. A woman comes downstairs they assume is Catherine. When they question her, she tells them she’s Roxy, Catherine’s friend. She sends them to find Catherine.

EXT. SHORELINE ROAD – DAY

Nick and Gus driving along the road.

INT. DETECTIVE CAR – DAY

Nick and Gus driving up a narrow road at Stinson Beach.

EXT. CATHERINE’S HOME – DAY

Nick and Gus pull into the driveway. Two Lotuses are parked in front of the home. One black. One White. The two men get out and knock on the door. Nick notices a path around the house

EXT. BACK YARD

Nick and Gus walk around to the back. It’s a large ocean front estate on the cliffs. They spy Catherine sitting on a lookout.

EXT. LOOKOUT

Nick and Gus introduce themselves. Catherine’s coy admits her relationship to the victim but very suspicious. She obviously likes Nick. She tires and finally asks them to leave.

INT./EXT. DETECTIVE CAR – DAY

Nick and Gus driving way.

INT. POLICE HALLWAY – DAY

Nick gets off the elevator and head into Elisabeth Garner’s office.

INT. ELISABETH GARNER’S OFFICE – DAY

Nick enters. Finds Elisabeth. They have a session about his live. They discuss their past relationship. She still misses him.

INT. HOMICIDE BUREAU– DAY

Nick enters and meets Gus. The team is waiting in the lieutenant’s office.

INT. LIEUTENANT’S OFFICE

The investigation team is waiting for Nick, including the captain again. They discuss Catherine Tramell. She’s rich, degree in psychology, and an author. She wrote a book like the murder.

INT. NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Nick is reading Catherine’s book. He calls Gus and discusses the book.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

The investigation team sits around the table. Elisabeth introduces a psychiatrist to explain the psychology and the sickness of the murderer. They suspect Catherine based on her book.

INT. HALLWAY – DAY

The DA burst from his office arguing with Gus they have no evidence to arrest Catherine. The team follows. They debate bringing her in for questioning. Nick agrees to go get her. The captain hints that she’s as crazy as Nick.

EXT. CATHERINE’S BEACH HOME

Nick and Gus pull up in their car. They knock on the door and ask Catherine to come in for questioning.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Catherine goes to change. Nick notices an old newspaper on a table with an article about him shooting a tourist. He then sees Catherine changing in her bedroom. He watches. They leave.

INT. DETECTIVE CAR – DAY

Catherine toys with Nick. Gus questions her about another book she writing. She tells them she’s writing a new book about a detective who falls for the wrong woman.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

Catherine enters the room. The DA and lead team members are waiting. They question her about her relationship to Johnny Boz. She plays with them, teasing them.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – LATER

She starts playing deliberately with Nick, making the team suspicious of him. She agrees to take a lie detector test.

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM

They watch Catherine take the test on remote TV. The examiner enters, states she passed the test. Nick doesn’t believe it.

INT. HALLWAY

Catherine asks Nick for a ride home.

INT. DETECTIVE CAR – NIGHT

It’s raining. Nick is driving Catherine home. Catherine asks him about his shooting innocent people. Nick’s suspicious that she knows too much about him.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

Nick enters. He joins the lieutenant and Gus at a table. He orders a drink and Gus is concerned. They think Nick knows Catherine from before. He doesn’t. Nick thinks Catherine is a suspect. They don’t.

IA Nilsen steps in and begins to ride Nick. He and Nick get into it. Elisabeth interrupts the fight. Nick and Elisabeth leave together.

INT. ELISABETH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Nick and Elisabeth make love. Nick is rough with her. Afterward, Elisabeth tells him she went to school with Catherine. They argue over his being rough. She tells him to leave.

INT. HOMICIDE BUREAU– DAY

Nick joins the team in lieutenant’s office. They discuss a similar murder years before at Berkeley when Catherine was a student. NIck is ordered to follow Catherine.

EXT. CATHERINE’S OCEAN HOME – DAY

Nick is watching Catherine. She gets into her black Lotus and takes off.

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY

Catherine races along the road, leading Nick on a chase around blind curves, in and out of traffic until Nick almost crashes.

EXT. ROAD – DAY

Nick drives into a small town.

EXT. DETECTIVE CAR – DAY

Nick drives through the small residential town until he spies the black Lotus parked outside a house.

EXT. HOUSE – DAY

Nick opens the mailbox and reads the mail. It’s addressed to a woman named Hazel Dobkins.

EXT. DETECTIVE CAR – NIGHT

Nick is staking out the house.

EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT

Hazel Dobkins walks Catherine out to her car. They say goodbye and Catherine takes off.

EXT. DETECTIVE CAR – NIGHT

Nick takes off, following Catherine.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

The Lotus takes off, weaving through traffic to get away from Nick. At the intersection, the Lotus runs the light leaving Nick behind. He lost her.

EXT. CATHERINE’S OCEAN HOME – NIGHT

Nick parks and walks through an open gate to the pool. He spies Catherine through her bedroom window. Catherine takes off her clothes, getting ready for bed. Nick watches until she turns off the lights, then leaves.

INT. HOMICIDE BUREAU– NIGHT

Nick on the computer investigating Hazel Dobkins. Gus sits down next to him. He tells Nick about the murdered professor at Berkeley. Catherine not a suspect. Gus also remembers Hazel and that she killed her husband and children for no reason.

EXT. CATHERINE’S OCEAN HOME – DAY

Nick walks up to the back door. Catherine invites him inside.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Nick notices old newspaper clipping of about him. She tells him she’s using him as the character in her new book.

INT. LOUNGE – DAY

She offers him a drink and uses an ice pick to break the ice. They play mind games with each other, tempting him sexually. Roxy arrives, and Nick leaves, pissed.

INT. ELISABETH GARNER’S OFFICE

Nick barges in and demand to know who has access to his psych file. She admits she showed it to Nilsen.

INT. INTERNAL AFFAIRS – DAY

Nick goes after Nilsen for selling his file to Catherine. They throw him out at gunpoinr.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Nick storms to his car chased by Gus. Gus questions what Catherine and Nick have between them. Something, but Nick doesn’t know. He drives off.

INT. NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Nick watching TV, depressed. Elisabeth lets herself in with her key. They have a violent argument. Elisabeth apologizes for giving Nilsen Nick’s file.

INT. NICK’S APARTMENT – LATER

Nick gets a phone call.

INT. NICK’S CAR – NIGHT

Nick drives through a police barricade and parks.

EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT

Nick walks up the alley passed cops, his lieutenant and Gus to find Nilsen shot dead in his car. They suspect Nick.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – NIGHT

Nick is questions by IA about Nilsen. Elisabeth enters to observe. Nick admits to his fight with Nilsen. Elisabeth provides him an alibi for the time of the murder. But’s he’s suspended.

INT. HALLWAY

Nick runs to catch up to Elisabeth and thanks her for helping him. They discuss Catherine. Elisabeth barely knew her.

EXT. PARKING LOT

Nick walks Elisabeth to her car. They kiss and say goodbye. He thanks her again, and apologizes for the fight.

INT. HOMICIDE BUREAU– DAY

Nick packs his bag to leave. He asks Sam what he learned about Catherine’s parents. They died in a boating accident. Nick tells the lieutenant that Catherine killed Nilsen. No-one believe it.

EXT. NICK’S APARTMENT – DAY

Nick drives up to find Catherine waiting. She heard about Nilsen. He invites her in for a drink.

INT. STAIRWELL – DAY

They head upstairs. They play minds games with each other.

INT. NICK’S APARTMENT – DAY

He fixes her a drink, using an ice pick to break the ice. She takes the ice pick from him to demonstrate. He starts smoking again after he quit. He asks about Nilsen. She never answers. She gives him a book that describes her parents’ death.

INT. STAIRWELL

Nick walks her out. She tells him she’ll be at Johnny Boz’s club at midnight. She says hello to Gus as he enters, shocked that she’s there.

INT. NICK’S APARTMENT

Gus brought pizza. He’s upset Nick is seeing Catherine. Nick is willing to play to catch her.

INT. JOHNNY BOZ’S CLUB – NIGHT

A warehouse of people. Very chic. Dancing. Music. Flashing lights. Nick moves through the sea of dancers. He spies Roxy dancing. He follows her toward the Men’s room.

INT. MEN’S ROOM

Nick follows her in. It’s a big room, lots of people doing drugs. Roxy joins Catherine in one of the stalls. She’s doing coke with a dealer. Roxy sits in her lap. Catherine spies Nick watching and clams the stall door in his face.

INT. JOHNNY BOZ’S CLUB

Roxy is dancing with Catherine. Nick, drinking, slides up to Catherine and she leaves Roxy to dance with him. They’re very sexual with each other, teasing Roxy who storms off.

INT. CATHERINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Nick and Catherine make love. Catherine ties him up the way Johnny Boz was ties up. It panics him, but he allows it until they both climax

INT. CATHERINE’S BEDROOM – LATER

Catherine is asleep. Nick wakes up and goes into the batheroom

INT. BATHROOM

Nick finds Roxy has been watching them. Catherine likes her to watch. Nick pushes her jealousy until she threatens him.

INT. CATHERINE’S BEDROOM – DAY

Nick wakes up to a note telling him Catherine is at the beach house.

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – DAY

Nick races up in her car.

EXT. BEACH HOUSE – BACK YARD

Nick walks down the path, passing Roxy on her way out. He meets with Catherine to talk about last night and Roxy. Catherine not phased by anything.

EXT. STAIRWAY TO BEACH

Nick keeps questioning Catherine about Roxy and Boz.

EXT. BEACH HOUSE

Catherine warns him not to play the game. He tells her he’s in love with her, but he’s going to nail her anyway.

INT. COWBOY BAR – NIGHT

Nick joins Gus at the bar. He tells Gus he was with Catherine. Pissed, Gus storms out.

EXT. COWBOYS BAR – NIGHT

Nick and Gus head across the parking lot to a diner.

INT. DINER – NIGHT

Gus can’t believe Nick slept with Catherine. Nick tells Gus he’s not afraid of her. Gus tells Nick what they learned about Nilsen.

EXT. DINER

Nick walks Gus to his car. Nick then walks to his car stalked by a black Lutus. The Lotus runs Nick over. He jumps in his car and chases after the Lotus.

INT. NICK’S CAR

Shaking off his injuries, he guns after the Lotus.

EXT. AN ALLEY

The Lotus races wild through the alley followed by Nick.

INT. NICK’S CAR

Nick driving wild to catch the Lotus.

EXT. STREET

The Lotus turns into another alley. Nick follows right behind.

EXT. ALLEY

Nick chasing after the Lotus.

INT./EXT. NICK’S CAR

Nick bouncing down the alley.

EXT. STREET

The Lotus swings out of the alley, way ahead of Nick.

INT./EXT. NICK’S CAR

The car bounces through the alley.

EXT. STREET

The Lotus is racing away.

INT./EXT. NICK’S CAR

He reaches the street. A street sweeper in his way. He drives up the sidewalk, crashing into planters and bouncing up the steps to the next street.

EXT. LOTUS

The car racing away.

INT./EXT. NICK’S CAR

Nick reaches the top of the hill, around the street sweeper, street, but is now behind the Lotus.

EXT. STREET

Nick’s car comes sailing over the hill, airborne, landing hard.

INT./EXT. NICK’S CAR

Nick swings onto the next street, nearly out of control

EXT. STREET

The Lotus spins at the corner, drifting through the turn.

INT./EXT. NICK’S CAR

Nick’s car swings at the corner. He’s now face to face with the Lotus coming in the opposite direction.

EXT. STREET

Nick plays chicken with the Lotus, dodging and weaving until the Lotus, out of control, sails into a construction site.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE

The Lotus crashes at the bottom.

Nick jumps from his car and races down the embankment to the Lotus. He find Roxy dead.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE

Rescue teams hoist Roxy to an ambulance. The lieutenant and IA question Nick. He refuses to tell them everything and gets suspended.

INT. CONFERERROGATION ROOM – DAY

Elisabeth and two psychiatrists wait for Nick to conduct a psychiatric evaluation. He gets angry at their questions and storms out.

INT. CORRIDOR

Elizabeth chasing after Nick. They have a huge argument over his relationship with Catherine. She’s obviously jealous.

INT./EXT. NICK’S CAR

He drives the road to Catherine’s beach house.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Nick finds Catherine weeping over Roxy. He kisses her to calm her down.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

They’ve made love. Catherine tells Nick about an obsessed girlfriend from college. Lisa Obermann.

INT. ANOTHER POLICE STATION – DAY

The sergeant tells Nick and Gus that Roxy murdered two boys when she was sixteen. An impulse killing.

INT. ENTRY

Gus and Nick get coffee and discuss Roxy and Hazel Dobkins.

EXT. POLICE STATION

Nick and Gus argue over Catherine. Nick doesn’t think she kills Johnny Boz.

INT. REGISTRAR’S OFFICE

Nick questions a young woman about Lisa Obermann. They can’t find her in their records.

INT./EXT. NICK’S CAR

Diving up the street to Catherine’s SF home.

EXT. CATHERINE’S HOME

Catherine and Hazel are walking to Catherine’s car when Nick confronts Catherine about Lisa Obermann. Catherine is angry Nick is checking up on her. She tells him it wasn’t Obermann but Hobermann.

EXT. PHONE BOOTH – NIGHT

Nick on the phone with registrar’s office. They have a Lisa Hobermann on record.

INT. HOMICIDE BUREAU– NIGHT

Sam searches DMV files for Nick to find Lisa Hobermann. Lisa Hobermann is actually Elizabeth Garner.

INT. ELISABETH’S APARTMENT

Nick confronts Elisabeth about Catherine. She admits to having an affair with her school. Elisabeth lays out how Catherine is setting her up.

EXT. NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Nick drives up and walks into his place.

INT. ENTRY – NIGHT

Catherine is waiting for Nick. She says she filed a complaint against Lisa Hobermann. She leaves angry.

INT. RECORDS ROOM – DAY

A records cop finds the file Catherine filed. But the record is missing. It was checked out by Nilsen.

EXT. PIER – NIGHT

Nick and Gus talk about Elisabeth and Catherine. Gus suspects Catherine. Nick suspects Elisabeth, which angers Gus. They leave angry.

INT. STAIRWELL – NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Nick finds the door open.

INT. NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Catherine is waiting inside. She takes off her clothes and seduces him.

INT. NICK’S APARTMENT – LATER

They’re sitting in the window. They discuss her new book and the ending. The detective has to die.

EXT. SALINAS MEDICAL CLINIC – DAY

Nick drives up in his car.

INT. NURSES STATION – DAY

Nick asks about Dr. Garner, looking for Elisabeth’s ex-husband. He was shot years ago.

EXT. SALINAS POLICE STATION – DAY

Officer washing a car tells Nick about Dr. Garner’s murder. Killed in a drive-by with a .38 revolver. No suspects. Rumors his wife had a girlfriend. Nilsen was asking questions, too.

INT. CATHERINE’S OFFICE

Nick comes in shouting for her. Nick reads the pages printing from the printer. Catherine’s book. She’s finished and dumps him now that her book is finished. He’s furious.

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Nick leaning against his car, depressed, smoking. Gus drives up and Nick gets in.

INT. GUS’ CAR – NIGHT

Gus has found Catherine’s school roommate who knows about Lisa Hobermann and Catherine. He’s headed to meet her. He also learned Elisabeth Garner share an office with Johnny Boz’s psychiatrist.

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – NIGHT

They drive up. Gus gets out, leaves Nick behind. He reminds Nick he’s on leave.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING – ELEVATORS

Gus rings for the elevator.

INT. ELEVATOR

Gus steps in and the elevator begins to rise. The doors open on the second floor. Nobody waiting. Gus checks. Suspicious. He steps back inside. The elevator opens on the third floor. Nobody again.

INT. GUS’ CAR

Nick suddenly realizes something. The ending to Catherine’s book. Gus is now in danger. He runs to save him.

INT. ELEVATOR

The doors open on the fourth floor. Gus steps out and is stabbed mercilessly with an ice pick by someone in a black raincoat.

INT. LOBBY

Nicks burst in. Sees the elevator on the fourth floor and runs up the stairs.

INT. HALLWAY – FORUTH FLOOR

Nick bursts onto the floor. Gus dying. Nick hears someone and pulls his pistol. Elisabeth is there. He aims his pistol at her. She doesn’t cooperate, angry. She reaches for something in her pocket. He fires, killing her. Nick finds car keys in her pocket. He collapses in anguish.

INT. HALLWAY – LATER

The investigation team is there. The lieutenant questions Nick. Nick can’t answer. Sam calls everyone into the stairwell. They find a blonde wig, ice pick and a police raincoat.

INT. ELISABETH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

The team searches her apartment. They find a .38 revolver. Articles and pictures of Catherine.

INT. HOMICIDE SQUAD – NIGHT

The aftermath. All the evidence points to Elisabeth Garner. The captain congratulates Nick for the job.

EXT. NICK’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Nick drives up and heads inside.

INT. STAIRWELL – NIGHT

Nick walks up slowly, depressed.

INT. NICK’S APARTMENT

Catherine is waiting for him again. She admits to loving him, but it scares her. She loses everybody.

INT. NICK’S BEDROOM

Nick and Catherine make love.

INT. NICK’S APARTMENT – MOMENTS LATER

After sex, they discuss their future. Catherine lays on the side of the bed. Is she reaching for something? They look at one another, both suspicious. Catherine whips over and grabs him. They make love again.

ANGLE DOWN – UNDER THE BED

An ice pick lays on the floor.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Act 2 Middle Scenes

What have I learned from this assignment?

Never take two classes at the same time. I’m behind. But I will finish!

Outlining the beginning/middle/end of Scenes 2 and 3 not only helped me imagine the coming dialogue of the scenes but made me think of the direction for the coming scenes beyond the midpoint. It gave me a better direction than had I been flow writing and using the first draft as a blueprint.

ACT 2 BEAT SHEET – MIDDLE SCENES

SCENE 2:

INT. LOCATION – NIGHT

BEGINNING: Simon gets a phone call from client.

MIDDLE: They discuss what has happened. He should have been contacted first.

END: He’s hired to clean up the mess.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

BEGINNING: Frank is peering through windows, paranoid they were followed. Jack is researching the files from Calvin Brown.

MIDDLE: Jack and Frank argue over what they should do. Jack wants to investigate. Frank wants to run.

END: Jack discovers reports in the file. Someone used a security card to enter the station after hours that belonged to a guard who was supposed to be off duty. He convinces Frank to stay.

EXT. HOTEL KITCHEN – DAY

BEGINNING: Calvin Brown alone in the kitchen. Margery Newbaum and Douglas Hill join him

MIDDLE: Brown threatens to help Valentino and Donovan if he doesn’t get an appointment to her husband’s VP staff.

END: Margery suggests they come to an agreement. They do.

INT. HOME – DAY

BEGINNING: Jack and Frank ambush the guard whose security key was used to get someone into the police station the night of the killing.

MIDDLE: The guard gives up Douglas Hill. Explains his role in the killing. They have a witness.

END: A bomb explodes in the bathroom, killing their witness. Donovan and Valentino barely escape as sirens are heard coming close.

SCENE 3

EXT. CEMETARY – NIGHT

BEGINNING: Simon arrives and meets Hill who’s been waiting.

MIDDLE: Simon complains how Hill screwed things up. They’ve not friends. They plot their direction forward to protect the governor and Simon’s client.

END: They drive off in separate directions.

INT. HOME – NIGHT

BEGINNING: Jack and Frank arrive without to the home of the retired ME who worked with them.

MIDDLE: Jack gives her the FBI lab reports to review. She tells them that Jones suffered from a blood disease. He was a hemophiliac and couldn’t have died the way the pathologist reported. He bled out faster than believed. they couldn’t have done killed him.

END: They decide to go after Douglas Hill. But the ME warns that Hill works for the governor. They must find another way. They decide to find the technician who they now believe manipulated the surveillance footage to incriminate them.

INT./EXT. TECHNICIAN HOME – DAY

BEGINNING: Jack and Frank break in to find the technician and his wife both dead. Tortured to death. Whoever tortured them got what they wanted. The original surveillance hard drive?

MIDDLE: Cops suddenly show up, trapping them in the home with two dead bodies. They were set up.

END: Jack and Frank are involved in a chase with police through the city. They barely escape, and without shooting anybody.

EXT. PATIO – EVENING
CLOSE SHOT – SIMON
He’s early 40’s, dark, lean, fit, reading glasses. He sits reading with the morning sun warming him. His cell phone RINGS.
SIMON

This is Simon.

(pleasantly surprised)

Hello — Yes. It has been a long time — Not at all. It’s evening where I am — No, I don’t get your news. What…? — I see — How did this happen? — And what did he do?

(disgusted)

Amateurs. You should have called me first — Thank you. I appreciate that — I can be there in twenty-four hours — That’s very generous. I’ll text you the account number — Yes. I was nice hearing from you, too. Goodbye.

Simon hangs up, considers the conversation for moment, and then he goes back to his reading.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

Frank is at the curtain, peering out the window, looking for anyone suspicious, magnum in hand.

JACK (O.S.)

What are looking for? Nobody followed us.

FRANK

That kind of thinking gets you a shiv in the back.

Jack is sitting at a table. Two file boxes sit on the floor. He’s reading files, comparing one report to another.

JACK

You’re not in prison anymore.

FRANK

We’re always in prison.

Frank leaves the window. He looks over the papers on the table.

FRANK (CONT’D)

What’s all this?

JACK

This is our case file.

FRANK

Jesus. How many times have you read that shit? What didn’t you see then that you see now?

JACK

(reading the reports)

I didn’t see the FBI labs, for one.

FRANK

The what?

JACK

The bloodwork on Jones came back after our lawyer filed discovery. And the AG never turned this over.

(frustrated)

Not that I can made any sense of it. But why would the pathology lab send Jones’ blood to the feds?

FRANK

Where’s you get this?

JACK

(reluctantly)

Calvin Brown. It’s from the civil trail.

FRANK

Are you shitting me? You went to see that scum bag?

JACK

He said it might be worth looking over the files.

FRANK

And you trust that fucker? Brown used the race card to send us to jail for his own payoff.

JACK

It’s wall we’ve got.

FRANK

You mean ‘You’ve got.’

(beat)

I haven’t got time for this! And neither do you. First light, I’m outta here first light. And if you’re smart, you be right behind me.

Jack’s out of his chair.

JACK

You don’t get it, do you, Frank? There’s no getting out. Why do you think we both got early parole? Because we were model prisoners? Whoever put us in wanted us out. They want us dead.

(beat)

There’s no out. There’s no running. No matter where we go.

Frank blows Jack off and makes for one of the twin beds.

FRANK

You can play detective, all you want. I’m out. I got no problem running.

Frank flops onto the bed and turns off the side lamp.

FRANK (CONT’D)

Tomorrow, I’m gone.

Frank rolls away from Jack and goes to sleep.

Jack looks at his friend, disappointed. Then returns to the table and the files.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – LATER

The room is dark but for the light over Jack at the table. Frank is fast asleep. Jack is pouring over the files. He looks at one paper then the next.

He sets papers aside and, exhausted, rubs his hands over his eyes and face. For the moment it seems he’s going to give up, but the keeps going.

He pulls another file from a box. Immediately, it intrigues his as if he’d never seen it before. He opens the file and begins to read. He flips through a few pages, reenergized.

He scours through the papers on the table, then rifles through the other box on the ground and finds another file. He compares both files, back and forth, and slowly stands.

THE BED LAMP BLINKS ON

The lights beam over Frank. Jack nudged him awake. Frank rolls awake, groggy.

JACK

Wake up — Wake Up! I think I found something.

FRANK

(groggy)

What? What time it is?

JACK

Three o’clock. Who cares? Look.

Jack puts the files in Frank’s face.

FRANK

What? What’s this?

JACK

It’s the master roster from headquarters.

Jack hands him another report.

JACK (CONT’D)

That’s the entry log for the building that night. Notice anything?

Frank looks back and forth at the two reports. He recognizes what Jack is point out.

FRANK

Son of a bitch.

(beat)

How did Brown know to ask for this?

JACK

He’s a smart lawyer.

FRANK

We should have hired him

JACK

You still want to run?

Frank looks up at Frank, pissed off.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL KITCHEN – DAY

The kitchen is empty. We HEAR CROWD APPLAUSE from a distant room. Calvin Brown is alone in the kitchen, listening, pacing, waiting for someone. He turns when…

Margery Newbaum enters through another door followed by Douglas Hill who stands guard. Margery and Calvin face off with one another pleasantly.

MARGERY

Hello, Calvin. It’s been a long time.

CALVIN

Margery. How are you?

MARGERY

Very well, thank you.

CALVIN

And the governor?

MARGERY

He’s doing well, too, thank you.

(beat)

This is your meeting, Calvin.

CALVIN

I want to congratulate you and the governor. I understand he’s being considered as VP for the ticket.

MARGERY

He’s on a short list.

CALVIN

I’ve been told he’s on the top of the list. And it seems the closer he moves toward Washington, the father away he gets from his old friends.

MARGERY

I assure you, Calvin. The governor hasn’t forgotten his friends.

CALVIN

Then why do I have to sneak through a back door at a campaign rally to meet with him? And still, he sends you.

(beat)

I appreciate that you’ve always been the power behind his thrown, Margery. But the niceties still need to be observed. He doesn’t return phone calls any more.

MARGERY

He’s busy with his agenda, Calvin. He does have a state to run. You, of all people, can appreciate that.

CALVIN

Of course. But there are those who don’t have our appreciation for the job. They feel he’s trying to slip away.

MARGERY

I’m sorry they feel that way. But I can assure you – and them – William remembers his obligations.

CALVIN

I’m sure he does. But to assuage concerns, his friends decided to send a small reminder of his debt.

Margery studies Brown for a moment, realizing his meaning.

MARGERY

You got Donovan and Valentino released.

CALVIN

Your husband isn’t the only one with influence over the parole board.

Margery looks to Hill. They share a moment of betrayal.

CALVIN (CONT’D)

Jack Donovan actually came to see me. The man’s got balls.

MARGERY

What did he want?

CALVIN

Marcus Jones’ killer.

MARGERY

What did you tell him?

CALVIN

Enough to whet his appetite, but not enough to satiate his hunger. Of course, if he comes to me again, who knows what I might provide.

MARGERY

What do you want, Calvin?

CALVIN

Assurances. His friends don’t want to be forgotten.

MARGERY

They won’t be. But you’re not here for them. What to you want?

CALVIN

Your campaign will need a legal advisor. And Washington would be a nice change of pace.

MARGERY

Malcomb Briggs already represents the governor.

CALVIN

His firm doesn’t know you the way I do. And what better way to convince our friends of the governor’s fealty.

MARGERY

I’ll discuss it with the governor.

CALVIN

That’s all I ask. And when he makes his announcement, I’d like to be on stage with him.

Margery turns and leaves with Hill.

CALVIN (CONT’D)

Say hello to the governor for me.

Hold on Brown for the moment.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET – DAY

A security guard is walking home carrying a lunch pale. This is CHUCK LUNGER, 40’s, overweight, exhausted, the weight of life pushing him down. He walks slowly through his low income neighborhood. Kids on bikes. Traffic on the street.

EXT. LUNGER’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

It’s a small, single story house. Lunger walks up the short walk to the door searching for his keys.

INT. LIVING ROOM – LUNGER HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

The key TURNS THE LOCK and Lunger steps inside and closes the door. Instantly, he stops, frozen, his eyes wide and staring.

Jack stands in the living room. All in black, ski mask and gloves, .45 automatic.

Before Lunger can move, a magnum is put to the back of his head. Lunger freezes. He looks defeated, as if he expected this.

Frank, black ski mask and gloves, puts a hand on Lunger’s shoulder and ushers him into the living room.

JACK

Welcome home, Officer Lunger.

LUNGER

Are you going to kill me?

JACK

Take a seat, Officer.

Frank puts Lunger in the middle of the couch. Then he and Jack stand over the man.

LUNGER

I’m not a police officer any more.

FRANK

No kidding.

JACK

We have some questions for you?

LUNGER

I never said anything. You don’t have to worry. I never will. You think I want to go to prison like those other cops?

JACK

Why would you go to prison, Chuck?

LUNGER

C’mon. Let’s not bullshit each other. I know why you’re here. But you don’t have to do this. I won’t tell anyone.

Frank and Jack look at each other, then they pull off their ski masks and reveal themselves to Lunger.

Lunger is really panicked now, breathing hard.

LUNGER (CONT’D)

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

JACK

You won’t tell anyone what, Chuck?

(beat)

That you clocked out before Marcus Jones was brought to the station? That your security card swiped you into the building five hours later?

FRANK

You must’ve been one dedicated cop. Coming in on your off hours.

JACK

Who used your card, Chuck?

LUNGER

I don’t know.

(beat)

I don’t know! I swear! I was told to leave it in my mailbox when I got home. And it was there the next morning when I went to work. That’s all I know.

FRANK

Who told you to leave it in your mailbox?

Lunger hesitates, looking away from them, not wanting to answer. Frank thrusts his magnum at Lunger.

FRANK (CONT’D)

WHO?

LUNGER

(reluctantly)

Douglas Hill.

Frank and Jack look at each other, stunned.

FRANK

The AG’s guy?

JACK

How did you know him?

LUNGER

Our mother’s are cousins. Douglas put in a word and got me a job at the detention center.

(beat)

We all can’t graduate top of our classes, you know.

JACK

Why did Hill want Jones dead?

LUNGER

How the hell should I know? I was shocked as hell when I found that kid dead. There were seven other assholes in holding when I left that night.

JACK

What happened to them?

LUNGER

(shrugging)

They got bailed out, transferred.

FRANK

(to Jack)

They cleaned house. Jones was alone. No Witnesses.

JACK

How’d Hill get into Jones’ cell?

LUNGER

Are you kidding? Graveyard shift in holding? It’s boring as shit there. The two guards on duty were fired for sleeping in the solitary cells. They always leave the keys lying around on a desk.

JACK

Why didn’t Hill show up on the surveillance video?

LUNGER

That’s above my pay grade.

FRANK

You didn’t shit the bed over family loyalty. What else did your cousin promise you?

LUNGER

He got me transferred to the two-seven.

FRANK

Out of sight, out of mind.

JACK

The two-seven had a pad. Did your cousin put you on the pad to keep you quiet? How many other favors did you do for him?

LUNGER

None. This was a one time thing. I just kept my dead down, put in my twenty and got out.

FRANK

Schmuck.

Lunger looks back and forth at them, worried.

LUNGER

So what now? What are you going to do? Kill me?

FRANK

It’s an idea.

JACK

We’re not killing anybody.

(beat)

But you’re going before a judge and give a deposition.

LUNGER

(panicked)

Oh, no way, man. Douglas will kill me.

JACK

You thought your cousin sent us to kill you. What do you think he’ll do when he finds out you talked to us? You’re dead unless you go on the record.

FRANK

Why didn’t you just split?

LUNGER

Where else am I going to go? I’m living on half a pension since my wife ran out. And my only friends are retired cops. This is the only life I have left.

FRANK

Boo fuckin’ hoo.

LUNGER

I need to take a shit. Is that allowed?

JACK

Go ahead.

Lunger stands off the couch. Frank stops him and gives him a quick one-handed frisk.

LUNGER

I’m not strapped.

FRANK

You come out of the bathroom with anything but your dick in your hand, and I’ll blow your head off.

Lunger heads to the bathroom off the living room. He turns on the bathroom light and closes the door.

Frank and Jack sling their weapons.

FRANK (CONT’D)

We have to baby sit this asshole?

JACK

He’s a link in a chain. He gets us to Hill.

FRANK

That son-of-a-bitch had his prints over that case from the start. What was his angle?

JACK

I don’t know, but from there —

BOOM! The bathroom EXPLODES. Frank and Jack disappear in the flying debris.

EXT. LUNGER HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

The bomb BLOWS OUT the front of the house.

INT. LIVING ROOM – LUNGER HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Jack lying on the floor, battered and bruised, smothered in bomb debris. He’s barely moving, bleeding from his head. He starts to crawl to his feet.

JACK

Frank? — Frank?

Frank, rolling on his back, regaining his bearings. He rolls to one side and begins to stand.

Both men slowly climb to their feet.

JACK (CONT’D)

You hurt? Frank! Are you hurt?

FRANK

I’m good.

Jack steps toward the bathroom.

Lunger’s body is torn to shreds.

Frank comes up from behind and looks over Jack’s shoulder at the body.

FRANK (CONT’D)

You still think we’re going to find justice?

Jack looks to Frank, realizing their plight.

FRANK (CONT’D)

C’mon. We have to get out of here.

Frank pulls Jack across the living room. They stumble and bang into overturned chairs and tables, making for the back of the house.

EXT. LUNGER HOUSE – PATIO – CONTINUOUS

The back door opens. Frank steps out, looks around the yard. Safe. Jack joins him, and they head across the yard to the gate.

Jack grabs a beach towel off a lounge chair and wipes blood. SIRENS now in the distance.

INT. ALLEY – CONTINUOUS

The back gate cracks open. Frank pops his head out. Safe. He leads Jack into the alley.

FRANK

We’ll circle back for the car later.

They skulk away down the alley.

EXT. HOMELESS CAMP – CONTINUOUS

Tents line the sidewalk. The homeless stand watching as a cop car, LIGHT AND SIRENS, zooms by.

Jack and Frank sit hidden among the tents, bloodied and dusty trying to get clean. A homeless man hands them a dirty towel. Jack thanks him.

CUT TO:

EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT

HEADLIGHTS turn off the street into the cemetery.

A dark Mercedes S-Class winds through the empty cemetery.

A Ford sedan is parked with its lights off. The headlights from the Mercedes flood over it as the Mercedes approaches.

The Mercedes parks twenty-feet away facing the Ford. The lights turn off. The engine die.

Simon climbs from the Mercedes. He’s impeccably dresses, suit and overcoat, leather gloves.

Douglas Hill climbs from the Ford.

The two men meet in the middle, ten feet apart.

HILL

I thought we were never supposed to meet?

SIMON

Circumstances have changed. You’ve been sloppy.

HILL

(incredulous)

The governor asked me to handle it, so I handled it. Where in the hell have you been?

SIMON

Unlike you, Mr. Hill, I have more clients than just one governor to protect. And my client wants this done quietly. A bomb isn’t quiet.

HILL

It’ll look like what it’s supposed to look like — a gas explosion.

SIMON

Providing no-one finds the mercury switch attached to the gas line of the water heater.

HILL

Don’t worry. I’ve got it covered.

SIMON

Why didn’t you dispose of this man years ago if you were so concerned?

HILL

He’s family.

SIMON

Family? How Biblical.

HILL

Hey, look! I don’t need your Monday morning quarterback bullshit, Mr. Simon. Or whatever your real name is. And if those two cops died in that blast, your client’s problems would have been solved.

Simon half-laughs at Hill’s incompetence.

SIMON

The two policemen released from prison die from an explosion in the house of the guard who testified against them. And you don’t think that would have provoked curiosity and suspicion?
Hill puts his hands on his hips, frustrated, pissed.
SIMON (CONT’D)

Tell me about your Mr. Jorgensen. What does he know?

HILL

Nothing. A voice on the phone. That’s it. He’s not a threat.

SIMON

There’s no such person.

HILL

He’s Valentino’s parole officer. Or don’t you think killing him will provoke suspicion?

SIMON

He’s a cocaine addict with a swimming pool. That’s a very dangerous combination.

(beat)

We must also assume your family member surrendered everything he knew, which puts you in their crosshairs, too.

HILL

Don’t get piggy, Simon. I don’t have a swimming pool.

Simon smiles.

SIMON

They’re in action now. We won’t find them. But we can anticipate them.

(thinking)

Family?

HILL

Valentino has a brother in Arizona. Donovan has an ex-wife. She got remarried. Has a kid.

SIMON

How old?

HILL

I don’t know. Eleven. Twelve.

Simon remains quiet, putting things together.

SIMON

They’re investigating the trial. They need a witness. Where will they go?

HILL

The technician. But that may be a problem.

SIMON

In what way?

HILL

The money wasn’t enough. He kept a copy to protect himself.

SIMON

That’s a pity…

CLOSE SHOT – SIMON

SIMON (CONT’D)

Not a problem.

EXT. CEMETERY – MOMENTS LATER

The two cars, lights on, pull away from each other and head in opposite directions.

CUT TO:

EXT. SURBURBAN HOME – NIGHT

It’s a two story home in a good neighborhood. The lights are off. Two figures creep through the shadows and head around to the back.

INT. BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS

SALLY BROTHERS and her husband HERB, both in their sixties, are fast asleep. Herb is SNORING softly. Through the open window, we hear the SPRINKLERS turn on.

Sally wakes up, annoyed. She nudges her husband.

SALLY

Herb. Herb! Someone’s in the back yard.

Herb grumbles and continues sleeping.

Sally tosses off the blanket and peers out the open window.

EXT. BACK YARD – CONTINUOUS

The sprinklers are running.

The kitchen light inside turns on. Then the light above the back door. Sally swings the door open. Bathrobe, pink fuzzy slippers and a shotgun in hand. She steps outside and SLAPS the action.

SALLY

Who the fuck is in my yard?

JACK (O.S.)

Don’t shoot, Sally. It’s just us.

She swings the shotgun at Jack and Frank sitting at her patio table. Sally is pissed, then shocked, then she mellows and lowers the gun.

SALLY

Son of a bitch!

She leans the shotgun against the house and opens her arms.

SALLY (CONT’D)

Come here, you assholes.

She gives Jack and huge hug first. He carries a black valise.

SALLY (CONT’D)

You never heard of a phone, you jackass?

JACK

It was prison, Sally.

SALLY

You couldn’t shove one up your ass and smuggle it in?

She pushes Jack inside. Then she hugs Frank.

FRANK

You know Jack’s ass is too tight to shove anything up there.

She grabs his shoulders to look straight at him.

SALLY

Hello, Frankie.

(beat)

Now get your ass inside before the neighbors see you and my property value drops.

Sally grabs her shotgun and follows them inside.

INT. SALLY’S KITCHEN – LATER

Jack and Frank sit at the table with coffee. Jack’s valise is in a chair. Sally pours herself a cup at the counter.

SALLY

You’ve both been out for a week, and neither one of you think to call me?

FRANK

We’re settling in to our news lives as parolees.

Sally sits down at the table.

SALLY

And how’s that working for you?

Their man answers.

SALLY (CONT’D)

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

(beat)

I was heartbroken when you boys went inside. I wish there was something I could have done.

JACK

Maybe there still is.

Jack pulls a folder from his valise and hands it to Sally.

JACK (CONT’D)

We came across something that we don’t understand. We’re hoping you can make sense of it for us.

Sally looks over the papers in the file.

SALLY

This is the FBI’s bloodwork from the Jones case. What about it?

JACK

Why would the state pathology lab send bloodwork to the FBI?

SALLY

Routine. The body went to the state pathologist the minute the AG took over the case. Someone there must have sent the blood for analysis. Why? What are you to up to?

Jack and Frank exchanged glances, knowing they’re about to involve Sally in their investigation.

JACK

We think someone buried the report at trial.

SALLY

What? Why?

FRANK

We’re hoping you could tell us.

SALLY

Where’d you find it?

Frank smirks at Jack, almost daring him to explain.

JACK

Calvin Brown discovered it during the civil trial.

SALLY

Calvin Brown? That race hustler?

FRANK

Jack’s making new friends.

JACK

We just what to know what the report means.

Sally takes the file in hand and begins to flip pages. Her expression changes from casual reading to curiosity as she reads deeper into the report.

SALLY

Do you have the autopsy report?

Jack produces the report. Sally begins to read, comparing the two reports. Slowly, she stands and leaves the table.

Jack and Frank look at each other confused.

Sally stands with her back to them, deep in her own world. When she finally turns, her expression is one of confusion and concern.

SALLY (CONT’D)

Walk me through that night again.

JACK

Why? What is it?

SALLY

Humor me. How did events transpire?

JACK

We were assigned uniform duty for crowd control at a student protest due to a manpower shortage.

FRANK

Right. And while we were sitting in the car, Jones came out of nowhere and threw a fucking brick through our windshield — the little prick.

JACK

We figured he was making his bones as an activist, trying to impress the other students.

SALLY

Then what?

JACK

We arrested him and brought him to the station. Booked and processed him and then locked him in holding.

SALLY

What was the timeline?

JACK

We arrested him at eight thirty and put him in holding an hour later. Why? What is it?

Sally looks sick.

SALLY

I always waited for the labs before I filed a final report. That’s SOP. The state’s pathologist screwed the pooch. He filed his final report before the labs came back.

FRANK

The state was in a hurry for their pound of flesh.

JACK

What is it, Sally?

SALLY

There’s no way you could have killed that kid.

(beat)

Marcus Jones had level three von Willebrand disease.

Jack and Frank are alert but confused.

SALLY (CONT’D)

Von Willebrand disease is a blood disorder. Jones lacked the proteins to clot his blood. He was a hemophiliac.

Jack and Frank still look confused.

SALLY (CONT’D)

The pathologist calculated the time of the beating based on the amount of blood found in the body cavity, assuming Jones bled out slowly. But with von Willebrand disease, Jones would have bled faster because his blood didn’t clot. If you’d beaten him before you brought him to the station, he would have been doubled over in pain during processing.

(beat)

He was beaten after you put him in holding. And by someone who wanted to kill him.

FRANK

How do you know that?

SALLY

The bruising on the body was very specific. Kidneys, spleen, liver. Soft tissue areas. Whoever killed Jones knew how and where to hit him to cause internal bleeding. He had to know Jones was a hemophiliac.

(beat)

This report proves you didn’t kill him.

Frank and Jack look at one another again. Jack slumps in his chair. Frank SLAMS the table and jumps from his chair, angry.

FRANK

Twelve fucking years… Twelve fucking years…

SALLY

You can file an appeal. I can even testify.

JACK

It’s not that simple.

SALLY

Why the hell not?

JACK

You’re a friend. And the evidence is still subjective. The state will argue that you see what you want to see. It’d be your opinion against theirs.

FRANK

Even our own lawyers argued Jones was beaten before we arrested him.

And the surveillance footage proved no-one went into his cell.

SALLY

But now you know that isn’t true.

The two men exchange knowing glances.

JACK

Right.

FRANK

Right.

SALLY

You came here to ask for my opinion. If you’re not looking to prove yourselves innocent, then what? What do you intend to do?

Sally catches the intent in their eyes.

SALLY (CONT’D)

Oh, god, no. You can’t. You just got out of prison. Do you want to go back?

JACK

We’re not going to find justice, Sally. What happened to us wasn’t a mistake. Whoever did this has fuck you power. And they want us dead. They’ve already killed one witness. And they tried to kill Frank last night.

SALLY

What witness?

JACK

The guard who found Jones’ body.

FRANK

This is hit and run, Sally. We’re not coming back.

SALLY

And what about your daughter?

Jack sits back, stunned that she knows.

SALLY (CONT’D)

You didn’t think I knew about her? She was born eight months after you went inside. And now you’re just going to leave her behind?

JACK

She doesn’t know I’m alive.

SALLY

If you go down this road, she never will.

FRANK

We’re getting ahead of ourselves. We need a witness. Our last one went to pieces of us.

JACK

The technician. He authenticated the surveillance footage at trial.

FRANK

He’s not the mastermind.

JACK

No. But he gets us to Douglas Hill. And his signature’s on the chain of custody reports.

SALLY

The AG’s investigator? That Douglas hill? Why him?

JACK

The guard that testified against us was Hill’s cousin. He told us Hill was involved.

FRANK

Just before they blew him up.

SALLY

Jesus.

(concerned)

Boys, do you know where Douglas Hill works now?

(beat)

He coat-tailed to the governor’s office with Newbaum. He’s head of the governor’s security team.

JACK

Son of a bitch.

SALLY

You don’t think the governor’s involved, do you?

FRANK

Why not? He railroaded us right into the governorship.

JACK

And that’s motive. The two cops he prosecuted are released under his parole program? We’re the albatross around his neck. He needs us gone.

SALLY

Even it that’s true, you can’t kill the governor. Or his bodyguard. Are you insane? Especially now. Newbaum is rumored to be on the short list for VP.

FRANK

I don’t give a damn. I want my pound of flesh.

Jack and Sally glance at each other, concerned.

Slippers SLIDE across the kitchen floor and Herb walks in wearing his bathrobe. He doesn’t acknowledge anyone, even Sally. He open the refrigerator and grabs a bottled water.

HERB

The boys staying the night?

Sally looks to them for an answer. They shrugs.

SALLY

Yeah. I’ll put them up in Roger’s old room.

Herb heads back upstairs.

HERB

I have to pee again.

And he’s gone.

CLOSE SHOT – SALLY

SALLY

My life’s an episode of the Bachelor.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET – DAY

A BANK OF PAY PHONES

Frank is on the phone. Jack standing nearby listening.

JACK

Yes, hello. I’m trying to contact Mr. Michael Wagner. I believe he’s in your forensic science and tech division…

(beat)

He retired? Do you know if he’s still living in the area? – I see. Well, this is Don Armstrong at the Journal. And I’m doing a follow-up story on Frank Valentino and Jack Donovan, and I was really hoping to speak with Mr. Wagner to get some background for the piece. Would it be possible for you to give me his home number?

(beat)

I understand, but I’m up against a deadline, and if I don’t get this in by this afternoon, my editor will have my balls in a jar…

(beat)

It’s just a few questions. And I promise I won’t tell him where I got his number…

Frank braces the phone against his shoulder and signals Jack for a pen. Frank writes the number in the palm of his hand.

JACK (CONT’D)

Great. Thank you.

(he hangs up)

Everybody wants to help.

They head toward the car in the street.

EXT. HOME – DAY

BINOCULAR POV

A home in the hills. A wooded lot. Pines trees. A detached garage in the back with barn doors. A sedan in the driveway. It’s quiet.

JACK (O.S.)

What do you think?

FRANK (O.S.)

I don’t know. Looks quiet.

EXT. CAR – CONTINUOUS

Frank in the driver’s seat peering though his binoculars. Jack in the passengers seat.

FRANK

Maybe too quiet.

Frank hands the glasses to Jack.

JACK

Woman’s car in the driveway. Maybe they’re gone.

FRANK

You want to wait?

JACK

No. Let’s go.

They climbs out.

EXT. HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Jack and Frank use the woods as cover, rounding to the back of the house, guns drawn. They cross the driveway.

EXT. BACK YARD – CONTINUOUS

It’s an open yard. No fences. They creep under the windows to the patio. Curtains inside are all drawn.

They separate at the sliding glass door, one on each side. Frank peers inside. Sees nothing. Shakes his head at Jack. When he tests the door, it slides open a crack.

FRANK

It’s not locked.

They ready themselves, and Frank pushes the door open as quietly as possible. They enter – Frank first.

INT. DINING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL WAGNER, 60’s, bald, nerdy, shot in the head. He’s duck-taped to a dining room chair at the head of the table. He’s been dead for hours.

FRANK (O.S.)

(whispered)

Son of a bitch.

Jack and Frank stand near the table, looking over the scene.

FRANK (CONT’D)

This must be Mrs. Wagner.

MARSHA WAGNER, 60’s, blonde, shot in the head. Duck-taped to a chair at the opposite end of the table.

Jacks takes a closer look at Michael Wagner. He lifts the man’s hand. The fingernails have been pulled out. There are other torture marks on the body.

JACK

Who ever it was, they were after something.

Frank looks over the misses. The same torture marks.

FRANK

Here, too.

JACK

They wouldn’t have killed them unti they got what they wanted.

FRANK

Unless he didn’t have it.

WHEELS SCREECHING OUTSIDE

Jack moves to the living room window

EXT. HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Three Sheriff Patrol cars SCREAM up in the street. Lights flashing. Cops jump and run with shotguns.

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

JACK

It’s a set up!

Jack and Frank bolt for the back door.

EXT. DRIVEWAY – CONTINUOUS

Cops move toward the front door. Other cops crouch run toward the back, guns ready. Closer to the garage —

BLAM!

The barn doors CRASH open. A Jeep Cherokee BURSTS through the doors. Frank driving. Jack in passenger.

The Jeep ROARS down the driveway and barrels into the street, racing around the patrol cars.

THE COPS jump back in their cars and swing around to give pursuit.

EXT. JEEP – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

JACK

What’s the plan?

FRANK

Does it look like I have a plan?

INTERSECTION

The Jeep drifts around the corner, WHEELS SCREAMING.

The patrol cars, LIGHTS AND SIRENS, in hot pursuit.

INT. JEEP – MOVING

JACK

Figure something out, Frank!

FRANK

I’m working on it! I’m working on it!

Frank reacts to something ahead. Jack reacts to Frank.

JEEP – POV

Two patrol cars up ahead swing to block the road.

FRANK (CONT’D)

Hold on!

EXT. BLOCKADE – CONTINUOUS

The Jeep SLAMS through the two patrol cars and barrels on. The pursuing cars charge passed – one – two – three.

INT. JEEP – MOVING

JACK

We’re not losing them?

FRANK

You think I don’t know that!

EXT. PATROL CARS – MOVING

Like an Indy race, they weave back and forth trying to out maneuver each other for the lead.

INT. JEEP – MOVNG

Frank realizes something ahead. It’s not good.

FRANK

Shit!

EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS

The road dead ends into a cul-de-sac. The Jeep swings around in the middle of the road and stops.

The patrol cars ROAR in and block the road. The cops jump out and take positions, guns aimed.

INT. JEEP – CONTINUOUS

Jack and Frank panicked, looking for an escape.

JACK

Do something, Frank.

FRANK

I’m thinking. I’m thinking!

EXT. BLOCKADE – CONTINUOUS

A SERGEANT Behind his patrol car, aiming his weapon, stands slightly to be seen.

SERGEANT

You! In the car! Show us your hands and exit the vehicle!

INT. JEEP – CONTINUOUS

JACK

Frank…?

Frank has an idea, staring straight ahead.

FRANK

Buckle up and bite down.

Jack realizes his plan.

JACK

You’ve got to be shitting me?

Frank floors the gas.

EXT. JEEP – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

The Jeep ROARS for an open space between two homes. It bounds over the curb and charges over the hill behind the homes.

THE WOODED HILL

The Jeep pounding down the hill, avoiding the pines, churning up the earth, obscuring the view.

INT. JEEP – MOVING

The two men are being tosses around. Frank desperately trying to steer, barely missing the trees.

JEEP POV – MOVING

A pine tree dead ahead.

Frank turns the wheel hard.

EXT. JEEP – MOVING

The Jeep turns hard, the back side BANGS into the tree. Bark flies. The Jeep nearly rolls. Continues down the hill.

INT. JEEP – MOVING

Jack sees something ahead. An “Oh, Shit” moment. Frank is excited.

FRANK

Geronimo, baby!

EXT. THE HILL – CONTINUOUS

The Jeep sails over the edge of the hill, airborne.

JACK

HOLY, SHIT!

EXT. JEEP – CONTINUOUS

Falling… falling… falling… Flipping over.

EXT. LAKE – CONTINUOUS

The Jeep SPLASHES into the lake. It bobs for a moment, and then goes under the water with a froth of foam.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LAKE – LATER

Sheriff patrol boats with lights are searching the water where the Jeep submerged.

EXT. SHORELINE – CONTINUOUS

Frank and Jack wade out of the water into the woods. In the background, the Sheriff’s boats searching. They pauses long enough to make sure no one has seen them, then head into the wood.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Basic Structure

What I learned from this assignment:

By putting the story together in a 9-point beat outline, it helped me envision the whole story from beginning to end. I can now see the beats in my story and how it should unfold as I begin to write.

Opening:

In traffic, heading to work, Ellen (last name) receives a call from her husband telling her that his car won’t start, and that he’s using Uber to drop their children off at school late before heading work.

At work, she has a meeting with her station manager and producer. They discuss how to get her rating up coming into ratings week. She professes ratings are secondary to helping her patients.

Inciting Incident:

Dr. Ellen receives a call on air from a patient suffering from multiple personality disorder who tells her that his violent personality has kidnapped her family and is threatening to kill them.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about:

Believing the call is a crank, Dr. Ellen calls her husband to confirm her family’s safety, but his phone goes to voicemail. Her children also have not arrived at school yet. Concerned, but not panicked, the station calls the police.

First turning point at end of Act 1:

The patient calls back and puts her husband on the call. He confirms that he and their daughters have been kidnapped.

Mid-Point:

Unable to talk her patient down on air, the violent personality forces her to choose one member of her family to be killed. Unable to choose, she screams at him not to harm her daughters, and by default she has chosen her husband who is shot on air.

Second turning point at end of Act 2:

To save her daughters, and with the police unable to find the man, Dr. Ellen decides to extract the patient’s suppressed, manic-depressive personality and manipulate him to save her daughters.

Crisis:

Having successfully drawn the manic-depressive personality from her patient, she manipulates him to commit suicide to save her daughters, only for his violent personality to reemerge.

Climax:

She pits the two personalities against each other, pushing the patient to kill himself before his violent side can killer one of her daughters. The gun goes off. Nothing is known…until the cops kick the door and find the man dead. Her daughters are saved.

Resolution:

The detective who managed the investigation from the radio station, puts Dr. Ellen in the back of a car to take her to her daughters. They wave goodbye to each other. It’s over.

Back at the station house, the detective receives a phone call from a physician at a psych hospital. He informs the detective that the patient was being held for observation and was had only released that morning. The detective realizes there had to be someone else involved.

Aerial shot over the city. Another radio show is talking about Dr. Ellen’s nightmare when the host receives a call. It’s Dr. Ellen’s patient who said, “Love your show. Long time listener. First time caller.”

End.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Necessary Questions

What I learned from this assignment:

Thinking about the necessary questions, especially the theme, I realized that my protagonist must have very high ethics to create greater dilemma. This means her transition or character arc must go in an opposite direction than I had originally considered.

Original Concept:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and threatens that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Dramatic Question:

Can the radio psychiatrist stop a violent schizophrenic from killing her family kidnapped family?

Main Conflict:

A violent schizophrenic has taken a radio psychiatrist’s family hostage and threatens to kill them on air unless she can excise his violent personality before the end of the show.

Dilemma:

Does the psychiatrist sacrifice her medical ethics of “Do no harm” so save her family from her violent patient?

Theme:

What will you sacrifice to save another?

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Dramatic Plots 2

What I learned from this assignment:

Applying different plots to my original concept forced me to explore the motivations for my protagonist in ways that I hadn’t considered. This exercise has added several intriguing layers to my character that I will implement into my script.

Original Concept:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Sacrifice:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and threatens that she will be forced to select one member of her kidnapped family to be killed every hour on air unless she can excise the man’s more dominant and violent personality before the end of the show.

Transformation:

A radio psychiatrist, considered a fame-oriented charlatan by her peers more concerned with ratings than patients, receives a call from a schizophrenic suffering from multiple personality disorder who threatens to kill one member of her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise the man’s dominant and violent personality by the end of the show.

Chosen Plot – Sacrifice

I intend to keep my original concept, but I will add aspects of sacrifice to create greater dilemma for my protagonist.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Dramatic Plots 2

What I learned from this assignment:

Applying different plots to my original concept forced me to explore the motivations for my protagonist in ways that I hadn’t considered. This exercise has added several intriguing layers to my character that I will implement into my script.

Original Concept:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Sacrifice:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and threatens that she will be forced to select one member of her kidnapped family to be killed every hour on air unless she can excise the man’s more dominant and violent personality before the end of the show.

Transformation:

A radio psychiatrist, considered a fame-oriented charlatan by her peers more concerned with ratings than patients, receives a call from a schizophrenic suffering from multiple personality disorder who threatens to kill one member of her kidnapped family every hour on air unless she can excise the man’s dominant and violent personality by the end of the show.

Chosen Plot – Sacrifice

I believe sacrifice creates greater dilemma for my protagonist, but I will also implement other aspects to heighten the tension between my protagonist and my antagonist.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Dramatic Plots 1

What I learned from this assignment:

This process is like conceptualizing. Using multiple master plots gives you different perspectives on how to approach your script, the character, and their interaction. The Rivalry vs. Underdog plotting provided me with a new perspective for my protagonist that places her at a greater disadvantage. Her character arc takes her from a radio shrink dealing with relationships to a powerful psychiatrist who manipulates a patient to commit suicide.

Rivalry:

A radio psychiatrist is set against an old schizophrenic patient with multiple personalities who threatens to kill her kidnapped family on air if she cannot excise his personality by the end of the show. While the police frantically search to find her patient, she uses every psychological skill in her arsenal to negotiate the release of her family. But when he follows through on his threat and kills her husband on air, she realizes she cannot talk him down. She must find another way to save her family. Strengthened by the investigating detective at the station, she fights through her pain and turns the table. She manipulates her patient, attempting to extract a suppressed, manic-depressive personality, and encourages him to commit suicide to save her daughters, violating her physician’s oath to do no harm.

Underdog:

A radio psychiatrist hosting a local relationship show must find the strength to prevent an old patient with multiple personality disorder from killing her kidnapped family on air. Joshua, the more dominant and violent personality, has assumed control of her patient and has devised a cunning, psychological game of emotional torture. He threatens to kill one member of her family every hour if she cannot excise Joshua from her patient before the end of the show. While the police search in vain to find this man, she negotiates with her patient to release her family. But when Joshua reemerges and kills her husband on air, she realizes she must find a different method. She reaches back into her training and uses every psychological skill to manipulate her patient and extract a suppressed, suicidal personality and encourages him to kill himself to save her daughters, violating her physician’s oath to do no harm.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Character Structure

What I learned from this assignment:

This step process makes it easier to define the protagonist/antagonist structures and their conflict. And it helps narrow my character’s singular focus. I wished I’d learned this method years ago.

Concept:

A schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder calls a radio psychiatrist and warns that his more dominant and violent personality will kill one member of the psychiatrist’s kidnapped family every hour on air unless the psychiatrist can excise the personality before the end of the show.

Character Structure:

Thriller

Lead Characters:

My protagonist is a psychiatrist who hosts a local radio for callers with emotional and relationship problems.

My antagonist is a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder who used to be a patient of the psychiatrist.

Character structure plays out in the story:

After receiving the initial call from her ex-patient, the psychiatrist is suspicious of a bad prank. But when she tries to contact her family to confirm their safety, her husband’s phone goes to voice mail, and she learns her children never arrived at school. When her patient calls back, her husband is on the line. Her family has been kidnapped, and the patient’s the violent personality toys with her, demanding that she talk him down to save her husband and two young daughters.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Abbott

“I agree to the terms of this release form.”

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Act 2 Reaction to TP 1

What have I learned from this assignment?

Writing the reaction scene helps my script unfold in the direction I intended and keeps me from straying away from my event and character arcs. It also helped me envision future scenes that hadn’t yet even imagined and discover layers and depth to the antagonizes/protagonists that I hadn’t considered.

ACT 2 BEAT SHEET – REACTION

INT./EXT. STOLEN CAR – NIGHT

Jack and Frank question the woman that helps the thugs try to kidnap and kill Frank. They learn Jorgenson, the parole officer was involved.

INT./EXT. JORGENSON HOME – NIGHT

Jack and Frank break into Jorgenson’s home while he’s asleep. They wear masks to disguise themselves. Question Jorgenson at gunpoint. Jorgenson gives up what he knows.

ACT 2 OUTLINE – REACTION

EXT. DESERTED AREA – NIGHT

BEGINNING: In a deserted part of town, Frank parks the car he stole from thugs that attacked him. The girl who helped in the attack is in the trunk. They pull her out and begin to question her.

MIDDLE: The girl gives up the whole plan. They were supposed to grab Frank, put him in the truck and drop him in a grave out of town. It was supposed to look like he skipped parole. She tells them the two guys are parolees. They work for a guy named Jorgenson. Frank’s parole officer.

END: Jack and Frank let her go. They decide they need to speak with Jorgenson tonight.

INT./EXT. JORGENSON HOUSE – NIGHT

BEGINNING: It’s a nice house. Too nice for a parole officer. Jorgenson is asleep in his bed with a woman. Frank and Jack are already inside the room wearing ski masks. They wake them up, and Frank puts the woman in the bathroom and tells her to lock herself in.

MIDDLE: Frank doesn’t speak fearing Jorgenson will recognize him. Jack questions Jorgenson. He pretends to be someone else, angry that the men Jorgenson hired didn’t do the job. Jorgenson gives up everything he knows, including the name of the guy who called him.

END: They leave Jorgenson handcuffed and naked in the middle of park for the cops to arrest to get him out of the way for a while.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Finished Act I

What have I learned from this assignment?

I am learning not to be a perfectionist, constantly rewriting what I have already written. I am learning to move at a faster pace. Should I have ideas for additional scenes, I plug them into the beat sheet and the outline and then create a placeholder for them in the script to keep moving forward.

ACT I BEAT SHEET – FINAL ACT SCENES

EXT. HAMBURGER JOINT – DAY

Frank meets with his parole officer who explains the facts of life to Frank.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

Jack meets with his old lawyers to discuss case. But there is nothing he can offer or give him to help.

INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – DAY

Jack enters the lion’s den – the lawyer who represented the family in the civil suit against the city – and asks for the civil lawsuit files.

INT. SECURTY BOX COMPANY – DAY

Jack retrieves his personal belongs he left in a private security box company.

INT./EXT RESTAURANT – DAY

Frank is scrubbing pits, washing dishes, stacking crates. Life is miserable.

INT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: Jack is at his day job. Data entry, entering lots of paper into computers. It’s tedious and boring.

INT./EXT – BUS – NIGHT

Frank is alone in the buss on a hard day heading home. The bus drops him at his halfway house.

INT. JACK’S ROOM – DAY

Jack searches through the files for clues.

ACT I OUTLINE – FINAL ACT SCENES

EXT. HAMBURGER JOINT – DAY

BEGINNING: The parole agent meets with Frank away from the office to explain life to Frank.

MIDDLE: The agent tells Frank that he’s going to give half his earnings to the agent. His life is going to be hell, and if Frank makes any trouble, he goes back inside.

END: Frank says nothing. Takes the crap and leaves.

INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY

BEGINNING: Jack enters the office of the lawyer that represented the meets victim’s family in the civil suit against the city. It’s a black law firm, and everyone inside is stunned and disgusted to see Jack enter

MIDDLE: The lawyer meets Jack out of curiosity. Jack insists his innocence. That someone got to the victim in the holding cell. Lawyer doesn’t care. The evidence doesn’t prove that, so either Jack and Frank are lying, or everyone else is. Jack asks to see the civil case discovery.

END: The lawyer gives Jack the case files from the civil suit.

INT. SECURTY BOX COMPANY – DAY

BEGINNING: In a large warehouse vault, a security guard unlocks a safety depot box for Jack.

MIDDLE: The guard places the box in a private room. Jack retrieves belongings he left there. Money, two guns, passports.

END: Jack finds his detective’s badge. He studies it, thinking of past life. They he shoves it into his attaché and leaves.

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

BEGINNING: Frank is scrubbing pots and pans, washing dishes, stacking crates.

MIDDLE: Franks stands alone outside, smoking behind the restaurant on break. He looks across at the other workers. All ex-cons wanting to kill him.

END: The owner calls them back inside. Frank puts out his cigarette and heads inside.

INT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

BEGINNING: Jack sitting at a cubicle at his day job. He’s entering stacks of data into a computer.

MIDDLE: Someone drops a stack of files on his desk and moves on. Jack looks at the stack of papers, dejected but the tedium.

END: Jack sucks it up and starts entering the data.

INT./EXT. TRANSIT BUS – NIGHT

BEGINNING: Frank is alone in the bus after a hard day heading home.

MIDDLE: The bus stops him at the bus stop near halfway house.

END: Frank gets off the bus and walks to the halfway house.

INT. JACK’S ROOM – DAY

BEGINNING: Jack sits on his couch searches through the files.

MIDDLE: He’s tired but keeps going until he can’t read any more.

END: Jack gets off the couch and walks to the window, staring out at the setting sun. Another day lost.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Turning Point Scene

What have I learned from this assignment?

Writing the Inciting Incident first gives me a target to aim for when I write in the remaining scenes of Act I. It forces me to not to stray off course and lose track of the theme and/or direction of the story. Knowing where I am going, also helps me decide what scenes I will need to write to fill in Act I.

ACT I BEAT SHEET – TURNING POINT

EXT. HALFWAY HOUSE – NIGHT

Thugs try to kidnap Frank at his halfway house to kill him. Douglas Hill stands in the shadows watching. But Frank turns the tables and beats the crap Hill’s men.

INT. JACK’S ROOM – DAY

Frank arrives at Jack’s halfway house. He agrees to investigate the murder.

ACT I OUTLINE – TURNING POINT

EXT. HALFWAY HOUSE – NIGHT

BEGINNING: The transit bus pulls up to the stop and Frank gets out. He heads for the halfway house he’s been assigned to live. It’s a square three-story building, and from the look of it, no-one would want to live there. We hear a TRAIN WHISTLE. Frank has a bag of groceries for dinner.

MIDDLE: A woman pretends to need help with her car. Two thugs jump from Frank from nowhere. They beat him down and try to throw him in the car. Frank beats the crap out of them and locks the woman in the truck. He flees with the car and the woman.

ENDING: Jack is in his room at his halfway house sifting over his case file. Knock on the door. Suspicious, he answers. Frank is there, beaten to hell. Frank tells him he’s in, but to get his things. They leave and are on the run.

———-

EXT. FRANK’S HALFWAY HOUSE – NIGHT

It’s a drab, three story building near the tracks. No-one in their right minds would live here. The area is deserted, the streets empty. The SOUND of a TRAIN running in the b.g.

A transit bus pulls up to the bus stop. Frank steps off the bus. He’s the only one. He carries a bag of groceries. The bus pulls away, and Frank is alone on the street walking to his building.

The SOUND of METAL HITTING GROUND makes Frank turn.

EXT. PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS

In the parking lot beside the building, a WOMAN has dropped a tire iron. She’s trying to replace the tire on her car. She’s in her thirties and rough, a woman from the neighborhood.

The trunk to her beaten up old car is open and she’s trying to pull out the tire jack, cursing.

Frank approaches and puts down his groceries.

FRANK
You need help?

The woman turns, startled. She looks Frank over once, and then frustrated, accepts his help.

WOMAN
They don’t make these things for women.

FRANK
No problem.

The woman steps aside, backing away. Frank reaches into the trunk to out the jack.

From nowhere, MAN charges Frank swings a pipe. He SMACKS Frank blind in the back.

Frank HOWLS and stumbles away from the car.

A SECOND MAN swings a pipe, striking Frank, staggering him.

The woman backs away, watching.

The men take turns swinging, one after another. Frank tries to stand and fight. One swing knock him down. The two men beat his legs, his back.

AN ALCOVE – Douglas Hill stands in the shadows watching.

Frank fights to stand. One of the men swings hard, a blow to the back that knocks him to the ground, rolling.

MAN
Get in him in the truck.

A man on each side, they hoist Frank and drag him toward the open truck.

FRANK’S POV – Being dragged to the trunk. The woman ready to slam it shut.

Frank jams his right knee into the back of the man’s leg and he stumbles. The men lose their grip, and Frank hits the ground again.

MAN (CONT’D)
Get him up!

They reach for Frank again.

Frank spins off the ground. The tire iron is his hand. He swings for the fences, striking the second man in the face. His jaw CRACKS and he SCREAMS, falling.

Frank SLUGS the iron into the other man’s ribs. The man curls and staggers back. Frank hits him again and again, enraged.

The woman is suddenly on Frank’s back, clawing at his face.

WOMAN
Bastard! You bastard!

Frank spins her off, grabs her and throws her in the truck and slams it shut.

The man on the with the broken jaw staggers up and runs.

The last man grabs one of the pipes. He and Frank square off.

THE ALCOVE – Douglas Hills is stunned, watching.

The man swings and misses. He lunges — lunges — then swings full. Frank meets the pipe with the iron, SMACKING the man’s fingers.

The man howls, drops the pipe. Frank beats him to the ground. He drops the iron and grabs the man.

FRANK
Who? WHO SENT YOU, YOU FUCK? WHO?

The man can barely speak.

Frank searches the man, tearing through his clothes. He finds the man’s wallet and opens it. Instantly, Frank is stunned.

INSERT: A POLICE DETECTIVE’S BADGE

Frank looks around. No-one has seen the fight. The second man is gone. He looks again at the man on the ground. He kicks one last time.

FRANK (CONT’D)
(holding the badge)
I’m keeping this.

Frank grabs the woman’s purse off the ground and finds her keys. Inside the trunk, the woman is CURSING.

FRANK (CONT’D)
Shut up!

Frank tosses his groceries into the back seat and climbs into the driver’s seat. The ENGINE turns over.

The car backs up, shifts gears, and Frank drives off.

THE ALCOVE – Hill steps back, vanishing into the shadows.

INT. JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT

Jack sitting on the sofa reading through the civil case file. Papers are spread about. A SOFT KNOCK on the door interrupts him. It’s suspicious at this late hour. He hesitates.

AT THE DOOR

Jack has his old service weapon drawn, behind his back. He unlocks the door and grabs the handle. Carefully, he opens the door.

Frank stands in the hallway. Bloody and beaten and pissed off. He stands there and lets Jack take in the full picture.

JACK
What the hell? — Who?

Frank tosses Jack the detective’s badge. Jack is shocked.

Frank pushes into the room. He moves to the window, searching outside.

FRANK
Get your shit. We have to get out of here.

JACK
We?

FRANK
I’m in. All the way.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Act I Inciting Incident

What have I learned from this assignment?

Scripting the beat sheet with the basic idea of the scene, then scripting the outline to expand the idea into three separate acts made is easier for me to build the drama toward the Inciting Incident.

ACT I BEAT SHEET – SCENE 2

INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY

The governor is having a meeting with staff discussing his stalled budget. The governor’s wife enters. The conversation turns to the VP nomination and the release of Jack and Frank and what to do about them.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

Frank meets Jack in the coffee shop for a brief reunion. Jack wants to get his life back. Frank wants to forget everything and split. Jack implores Frank to investigate what happened to them. And it’s here we learn they used to be copes. But Frank refuses. Jack realizes he’s now completely alone on his journey.

ACT I OUTLINE – SCENE 2

INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY

BEGINNING: The governor storms into his office with Maggie and Hill. He’s angry his legislation is stalled, and they discuss ways to go forward. Margery Newbaum, the governor’s wife enters. The Maggie takes her leave, and as she passes the governor’s wife, they exchange glances suggesting the wife knows the woman is having an affair with the governor.

MIDDLE: Margery and Newbaum discuss the press conference and their plans for the VP nomination. The governor suggests they have another problem. Hill tells Margery about the release of Jack and Frank. She doesn’t care. They don’t matter. Newbaum disagrees. He suggests the possibility that they might violate parole and to go back to jail. Margery points out that would harm his early release program.

END: The governor decides it’s then best for Jack and Frank to just go away.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

BEGINNING: Frank enters and finds Jack at a table in the back facing the door. He joins Jack at the table. They’re two men with suppressed emotions, understand what’s happened to them. They discuss prison and being out.

MIDDLE: Jack talks about life outside. His daughter. He wants his life back. Frank tells him to move on. There’s no going back. But Jack wants to find out why they were sent to prison and learn the person responsible. We learn that they were cops wrongfully convicted. But Frank refuses. He suggests that someone wants them dead. He’s going to flee to Mexico.

END: Frank says goodbye to Jack. Jack realizes he’s alone on his journey without his partner.

INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON

Newbaum storms into the office followed by Maggie Owens and Douglas Hill. Hill closes the door. Newbaum is seething.

NEWBAUM
How can it be stalled already?

MAGGIE
Senator Digby won’t let it come to the floor. He says —

NEWBAUM
Fuck what Digby says!

(flops into his chair behind a desk like a little kid)

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)
That old fart hasn’t had an original thought in his head since he fucked his brother-in-law during the S&L scandal.
(Maggie looks confused)
You didn’t know he did that?

MAGGIE
He wants something now.

NEWBAUM
Of course, he wants something. He wants to gerrymander the fifth district to include his home so he can run for congress.
(shakes his head, frustrated)
It’d be worth sending that bastard to Washington just to get rid of him.

MAGGIE
Should I schedule a meeting?

Newbaum waves his hand, conceding, frustrated.

The door opens and MARGERY NEWBAUM enters, the governor’s wife, 40’s, stately, attractive, a formidable woman. Maggie notices her right away, almost her cue to leave.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
I’ll go call the senator’s office.

Newbaum’s eyes float over Maggie as she turns.

Maggie slips passed Margery. The two women smile cordially at one another. There’s something underneath. Jealousy? Hatred?

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
Mrs. Newbaum.

MARGERY
Hello, dear.

Maggie leaves.

MARGERY (CONT’D)
I saw your press conference from this morning. It could have gone better.

NEWBAUM
Bunch of jackals.

MARGERY
Why did you dismiss the question about the vice presidency so fast? You need to encourage that more.

NEWBAUM
I have other concerns right now.

MARGERY
This is our only concern. We’ve been working for this since law school. The vice presidency is the stepping stone to the presidency.

Newbaum looks to Douglas.

HILL
Donovan and Valentino were released this week.

MARGERY
So what? You’re afraid of a couple of ex-cons? You prosecuted them for God’s sake. Spin their release to your advantage.

NEWBAUM
Where are they now?

HILL
They met with their parole officers, moved into their halfway houses. They have a couple of shit jobs lined up. I can have a couple of my guys sit on them for a few days, keep an eye them.

NEWBAUM
That’s not enough. They need to be out of sight, out of mind.

Newbaum stands and moves to a window, peering out.

NEWBAUM (CONT’D)
They’re ex-cons. If they violate parole, they go back inside.

MARGERY
That will draw attention. And undermine your early release program.

CLOSE SHOT – NEWBAUM

He looks directly at Hill.

NEWBAUM
Then maybe they should just go away.

Newbaum looks out the window again. Hill and Maggie glance at each other. It’s more than just concern. There’s something between them.

INT. COFFEE SHOT – MORNING

It’s a small coffee shop. A handful of people at tables enjoying coffee. Frank enters dressed in his rumpled prison suit. He takes off his sunglasses and looks around. Jack sits at a table, his back to the wall. He’s stirring his coffee, deep in thought. It’s been a bad few days.

FRANK (O.S.)
Still sitting back to the wall, facing the door?

Jack looks up. Frank stands over him. They’re pleased to see each other, but just smiles. Two men with tempered emotions.

JACK
Old habits.

Frank looks to the GIRL behind the counter.

FRANK
Black coffee. Large.

The girl is startled by his abrupt order. Jack waves to her it’s okay. She starts the coffee.

Frank sits down.

JACK
When did you get into town?

FRANK
Yesterday? You?

JACK
A few days ago. Where do they have you living?

FRANK
Some shit hole over by the tracks.

JACK
I’m the other way, off Second and Grand. Meet your parole officer yet?

FRANK
I met him — the fucking asshole.
(beat)
I used to enjoy fucking with ex-cons. Now I’m on the other side.

JACK
Yeah.

They sit quietly for a moment, realizing how their worlds have changed. The girl steps up with Frank’s coffee.

GIRL
That’s three dollars?

FRANK
For a fucking coffee?

The girl is startled by Frank. Jack waves it off.

JACK
He’s old.

Jack pays with a five. The girl gives Frank one last look and leaves.

JACK (CONT’D)
You’re on the outside now. Take it down a notch.
(beat)
You look good — considering.

FRANK
I heard you requested solitary.

JACK
It wasn’t too bad. I worked in the infirmary — had a few privileges. I got out during the day.

FRANK
You were always stronger than me.

JACK
You take isolation wing?

FRANK
And sit there with those fucking perverts and rapists?

JACK
Gen pop? How did you — ?

FRANK
I did what I had to do.

Jack stares at his friend, saddened, realizing how Frank survived. Frank looks away and changes the subject.

FRANK (CONT’D)
Seen Sally, yet?

JACK
I sat across from her school and watched her play at recess — until Janice showed up.

FRANK
How’d that go?

JACK
She still hasn’t told Sally I’m her father.

FRANK
That bitch. You have rights, Jack. Sally’s your daughter, and she has a right to know you.

JACK
What am I supposed to do? Walk up and say ‘Hi, I’m your real dad, and I just got out of prison?’

FRANK
Yes. It might just be that simple.

JACK
When I meet my daughter, it won’t be as an ex-con.

FRANK
What do you intend to do, wave your magic wand?

Jack stares directly at Frank with intend. It takes a moment for Frank to realize what Jack purposes.

FRANK (CONT’D)
Are you out of fucking your mind? Why do you want to go digging around in that shit?

JACK
I want my daughter back. I want my life back.

FRANK
Your old life is gone, Jack. And so is mine. We’re not cops any more. And you need to accept that and move on.

JACK
I spend twelve years in a six by eight cell fixated on a face I couldn’t see. I want to know who did this to me — to us. I have to see his face.

FRANK
You haven’t figured it yet, have you? Why do you think we both got paroled in the same week? Whoever put us into that hell wants us out. And I don’t intend to stick around to find out why.

JACK
I never knew you to run scared. What are you afraid of?

FRANK
Going back.
(beat)
And I’m not going back. I’m just going.

JACK
Where?

FRANK
My brother’s in Tuscan. And it’s a short trip from there to Mexico.

JACK
You’re going to skip?

FRANK
Nobody cares about missing ex-cons. And if you’re smart, you’ll do the same.

JACK
I can’t.

FRANK
You’re going to get yourself killed, Jack. And for what? The truth nobody wants to know. You think people will hail you as a hero? They’ll hate you for proving them wrong. They’ll hate you for taking away their hate.

JACK
If somebody wanted us dead, why didn’t they kill us in prison?

FRANK
Because they couldn’t get to us.

JACK
How do you know that?

Frank remains silent, refusing to answer. Then —

FRANK
Sorry, Jack. I can’t go with you on this trip.

Frank stands and extends his hand. Jack stands and takes it. One last goodbye between partners.

FRANK (CONT’D)
Good luck, Jack. Do what you have to do. Just watch your back.

JACK
You used to do that for me.

Frank nods, almost ashamed he’s abandoning his friend. He leaves.

Jack watches his friend walk away. He’s now completely alone.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

ProSeries 81 – Dana’s Act I Opening Scene

What have I learned from this assignment?

Creating the beat sheet and outline as a prelude to scripting has allowed me to concentrate on my characters’ voices without having to spend time on the scene description/narrative. And not being obsessed with perfection has increased my writing speed. And I’m enjoying my writing again, and not trying to avoid it. I wish I had learned these lessons years ago. Better late than never.

PS – I have two protagonists to introduce, which is why my opening scene is rather long.

OPENING SCENE OUTLINE – PROTAGONIST

INT. MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON – DAY

BEGINNING: The prison is in lockdown. Prisoners in their cells. It’s bedlam. Almost a riot. FRANK VALENTINO being walked through cell doors leaving prison. He’s wearing rumpled street clothes.

MIDDLE: Frank is ushered into the Warden’s Office for one last meeting before his release. The warden speaks to Frank about the crime he committed, his incarceration, his conduct as a prisoner, and his early release based on the governor’s new program.

END: Frank never speaks. He just stares at the warden. Then leaves.

OPENING SCENE – PROTAGONIST

INT. MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON – DAY

CELL BLOCK. The prisoners are in lockdown. The cell block is in bedlam. SCREAMING. YELLING. Toilet paper streaming down. A riotous protest.

Behind a gate we see FRANK VALENTINO, 50’s, rugged, prison hard, dresses in rumpled street clothes. He’s waiting to be let through a gate. A GUARD stands behind him.

GUARD

You don’t seem to have a lot of friends in here, Frank. Why is that, I wonder?

The security lock BUZZES and the gate slides open. The guard escorts Frank through the gate.

INT. WARDEN’S OFFICE – DAY

The WARDEN is at his desk. His phone BUZZES.

WARDEN

(on phone)

Yes? Okay. Show him in.

The office door opens and Frank is escorted inside by one of the prison guards.

WARDEN (CONT’D)

Come in, Frank.

The guard points to a spot on the floor.

GUARD

(to Frank)

Stand.

Frank stands on the spot in front of the warden’s desk staring down at the man. The warden barely acknowledges Frank. The warden opens file on his desk.

WARDEN

(reading the file)

Frank Valentino. Manslaughter. Second degree. Fifteen years. But for some reason, you’ve qualified for the governor’s early release program. Though I don’t understand why.

(he folds the file close)

I’ll be blunt, Frank. We both know you don’t deserve release. Not just for the murder you committed on the outside, but for the two men you stabbed in here. If I could prove you killed Russo and Spinetti, you’d be here for the rest of your life. But I can’t…

The warden stands and hands Frank a manila envelope.

WARDEN (CONT’D)

That’s your parole packet. Parole officer’s name and phone number are inside. Make sure you don’t miss your first appointment. Or you’ll be back in here.

(beat)

Anything to say?

Frank just stares at the warden. The look is frightening.

WARDEN (CONT’D)

Okay. That’s it. Take him out.

The guard grabs Frank’s arm and leads him from the office. The door closes. The warden remains standing, pensive for a moment, almost worried, then sits back down.

END SCENE

———

OPENING SCENE OUTLINE – ANTAGONIST

EXT. PRESS CONFERENCE – DAY

BEGINNING: The governor is taking questions from reporters about his criminal justice reform program.

He’s told of Jack and Frank’s early release from prison and caught off guard by the news. He recovers siting second chances. When he’s asked about the vice presidency, he dodges the question, smiles and leaves with his team.

MIDDLE: In the limousine, the governor is pissed he wasn’t told the men were released. He wants Jack and Frank on a lease.

END: Head of security tells him not to worry. He’ll take care of it.

OPENING SCENE – ANTAGONIST

EXT. PRESS CONFERENCE – DAY

GOVERNOR WILLIAM NEWBAUM stands at a podium taking questions from the press corps, a field of American flags behind him. He’s early 50’s, tall, handsome, lean, slicked back hair with the typical snake-like smile of a politician.

NEWBAUM

(answering question)

…these new investments enable us to tackle the challenges our state will face in the future. Education, inequality, climate change, our homeless problem. And it will also fund out criminal justice reforms to keep our streets safe for our families.

(point to a reporter)

Yes?

REPORTER (O.S.)

Senator Digby believes your budget is fiscally irresponsible and that it will lead to even larger future deficits. How do you respond to the senator?

NEWBAUM

Our states continued recovery will more than adequately help cover the cost of our investments. And I would remind Senator Digby, that doubling our efforts now will ensure our state will thrive long into the future.

(pointing again)

Yes?

REPORTER (O.S.)

Speaking of your criminal justice reform program, Governor, would you comment on the release of Frank Valentino and Jack Donovan. As District Attorney, you prosecuted both men for the murder of Kareem Johnson. And I’m wondering how you feel about these men qualifying for early release under your reforms.

Newbuam stiffens, unsure how to answer, somewhat surprised by the news. He smiles and quickly recovers.

NEWBAUM

If we want criminal justice reform to succeed, we as a people must learn to forgive those who have done wrong. Everyone deserves a second change.

REPORTER (O.S.)

You’re rumored to be on the short list for the vice presidency. How do you think your reforms will be accepted by public now that these two men have been release?

NEWBAUM

The presidential season is still years away. I’m focused all of my efforts on rebuilding this state. Thank you all for coming.

Newbaum waves and walks off stage. His press secretary, MAGGIE OWENS, 30’s, blonde, sexy, is waiting for him. They speak a few words and head off.

DOUGLAS HILL, head of the governor’s security, follows behind them. Hill is dark, physically fit, forties.

They head for the governor’s limousine, leaving the gaggle of SHOUTING REPORTERS behind them.

INT. GOVERNOR’S LIMOUSINE – MOVING – DAY

BACK SEAT. Newbaum sits next to Maggie staring out the window. Hill sits across from them.

NEWBAUM

Why wasn’t I told those assholes were released? I looked stupid up there. I can’t be made to look stupid.

MAGGIE

I’m sorry, Governor. I don’t know why we weren’t informed. I’ll look into it.

NEWBAUM

Where are they now?

HILL

I don’t know.

NEWBAUM

Find out. I want those two fuckers on a leash. I don’t want to hear their names or see their faces.

HILL

I’ll take care of it.

NEWBAUM

(scoffing)

The first criminals released on my new prison reform program are the two murderers I prosecuted. Jesus!

END SCENE

OPENING SCENE OUTLINE – ANTAGONIST

EXT. PARK – DAY

BEGINNING: Jack Donovan sits at a park bench across from a school watching his daughter from a distance.

MIDDLE: He’s confronted by his ex-wife who sees him. She warns him to stay away from her and their daughter, they have a new life, and his daughter doesn’t know him.

END: Jack realizes he’s lost everything and leaves.

OPENING SCENE – ANTAGONIST

EXT: PARK – DAY

JACK DONOVAN, early 40’s, sits at a bench in a park across from a Catholic school watching children play at recess. He tries to smile, but his smile is fleeting. He looks sad and forlorn.

JACK’S POV – A group of girls in Catholic uniforms playing tag. One of them is SALLY TUCKER, twelve, laughing, running. She’s cute as a bugs ear.

JACK smiles at her play. Sally is Jack’s daughter. But he’s too far away for Sally to notice him.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.)

What are you doing here?

Jack turns to find JANICE TUCKER, 30’s, a middle-class soccer mom standing behind him. She’s shocked and pissed that Jack is here.

Jack stands to greet here. But they’re not friendly.

JACK

Hello, Janice.

JANICE

What are you doing here, Jack?

JACK

I came to see my daughter.

JANICE

She’s not your daughter, Jack. David’s her father now. You gave up that right when you went to prison.

(beat)

What are you doing out?

JACK

I got early release.

Janice comes closer. She can’t believe he’s here.

JANICE

Sally doesn’t know you exist. And that’s the way it’s going to stay. I don’t want her to know her real father is a racist and a murder.

JACK

Would it matter is I said I didn’t do it.

JANICE

No. Not when everybody thinks you did. And that’s the only thing that matters.

(beat)

If you come near Sally, I’ll call the police. Goodbye, Jack.

Janice walks off, heading for the school.

Jack watches her leave. He turns his attention to Sally one last time, drops his head and then leaves.

END SCENE

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Everyone

I just received notice that I forgot to introduce myself to the group. I’m currently enrolled in the 30 Day Script class, too. And I just finished Marketing. So I got a little confused.

I have written 3 scripts. Two years ago and one more recently. I’ve taken a few classes on scripting, but ScreenwritingU has the most intense course structure I’ve even taken. I’m learning more from these courses than any other class or books I’ve written.

I have also written an unpublished novel. And these classes have helped me understand what I was doing wrong with its structure. And I hope to take what I learn in the ProSeries and use it to rewrite my novel and subsequently another script.

[Dana Abbott]

ProSeries 81

Dana’s Beat Sheet Draft 2

What have I learned from this assignment?

I have been writing my past scripts the wrong way. This method of layering the protagonist and then the antagonize journeys into a beat sheet is much faster. I can insert the themes of vengeance where they need to be placed without being obvious or perfecting the script. And I am beginning to see the final script before I even begin to write it. My scripting is getting easier.

ACT I —–

INT. PRISON CELL BLOCK – DAY

Bedlam inside a maximum-security prison cell block. The prisoners locked in their cells. Frank Valentino is being walked out of prison by guards.

INT. WARDEN’S OFFICE – DAY

Frank enters to meet the warder, one last meeting before Frank is released. The warden speaks to Frank about the crime he committed, his incarceration, his conduct as a prisoner.

Frank qualified for early release based on the governor’s new policies. Frank never speaks. He just leaves.

EXT. GOVERNOR’S PRESS CONFERENCE – DAY

With his wife at his side, the governor is taking questions at a podium from the crowd of questions. Short list for VP? Jack and Frank first released under his new policy affect his standing in poles. He looks confused. But comes up with a BS about everyone deserves a second chance.

EXT. PARK – DAY

Jack Donovan sits at a park bench across from a school watching his daughter from a distance. He’s confronted by his ex-wife who sees him. She warns him to stay away from her and their daughter, they have a new life, and his daughter doesn’t know him. Jack has been granted early parole, too. Why?

Jack realizes he’s lost everything but wants it back.

INT. GOVERNOR’S LIMO – DAY

Governor, wife and dirty cop in limo. Discuss Jack and Frank release. Governor surprised. Discusses irony. He wants them watched by parole office. Dirty cop will take care of it. They’re not allowed to see each other on parole.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

Jack and Frank meet secretly. They’re not allowed to associate with each other while on parole. They discuss their parole agents, where they’re living, etc.

Jack tells Frank he wants to reopen the investigation into the murder to find the real killers. Frank refuses. He wants to move on, and he’s headed to Phoenix. They argue, and they go their separate ways.

INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY

Jack meets with the victim’s family lawyer. Jack insists his innocence. That someone got to the victim in the holding cell. Lawyer doesn’t care. The CCTV evidence doesn’t prove that, so either Jack and Frank are lying, or everyone else is.

The lawyer gives Jack the case files from the civil law suit.

EXT. HALFWAY HOUSE PARKING – NIGHT

Street thugs try to kill Frank at his halfway house. They fail. Beats the crap out of them. He tries to question one, but they all flee.

Frank suspects someone wants him dead. He won’t be able to just disappear. He flees when he hears the sirens.

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

From the shadows (DIRTY COP) stands watching the thugs he hired to kill Frank get the shit knocked out of them until they flee. He realized Frank is more formidable that he had thought. He vanishes into the shadows.

ACT II —–

INT. JACK’S ROOM – DAY

Frank is waiting for Jack and surprises him inside the room. He agrees to investigate the murder.

Frank wants vengeance/Jack wants justice to get his life back. Frank agrees to do things Jack’s way for now.

INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY

The governor is having a meeting with staff discussing the potential VP nomination. As the female aid leaves, she and the governor share a moment as if to say they’re having an affair.

The wife arrives. She’s notices the female aid leave, and from her expression, she suspects something.

The family’s attorney has been calling the governor. He wants to meet. Wife is very concerned.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: SIMON receives a phone call. He is very professional. He’s told the dirty cop has failed. The client should have called him first. He agrees to kill Jack and Frank.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: Jack and Frank go over the files, comparing the criminal files to the civil files. They learn the victim was an illegitimate child. Father unknown. Adopted. Information they never knew because they were not part of the civil trial.

BIG QUESTIONS: Who got into the holding cell when victim was alone? What happened to the jailhouse guards? Who wanted him dead? Is something wrong with the surveillance DVD of the police holding cell?

INT. HOTEL KITCHEN – DAY

The family lawyer meets with the wife. He’s upset the governor hasn’t returned calls. His clients are being ignored. He helped with the frame of the cops, and he’s given them enough to whet their appetites. Now he wants more. She makes a deal with the lawyer.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: Simon and the leading dirty cop meet. Discuss letting Frank and Jack investigate to find any holes in the frame that were overlooked. It’s gotten messy. They have to find the technician who altered the videotape. He’s in hiding.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY

PLACEHOLDER: Frank and Jack are following one of the guards on duty the night of the killing. He’s no longer a cop, but a security guard. Suspended for sleeping on the job.

They get him to talk. He wasn’t involved but gives them a lead. The CCTV was recorded on videotape not digital. There was no cloud back in the day. The technician who created the DVD must have altered the original. Jack and Frank leave.

INT./EXT. GUARD’S HOME – DAY/NIGHT

The guard arrives home. Simon kills him and leaves without incidence.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY

PLACEHOLDER: Frank and Jack find the police technician that altered the tape tortured and killed by Simon before they can question him. They figure he gave up the original tape during the torture.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: They become suspects in the murder of the guard. Cops are looking for them now. Faces plastered over tv.

MIDPOINT —–

INT. MAFIA SOCIAL CLUB – DAY

Jack and Frank seek out the Mafia boss Frank did favors for while he was in prison to say alive. The reason why Frank didn’t want to dig into the past.

They need a place to hide. Mafia boss tells them why they were paroled. As long as the mob protected Jack and Frank inside, no-one could get to them. They were paroled to be killed on the outside.

By whom? Find the birth mother, and you’ll have our answers. The mob boss agrees to help find the adoptive parents.

INT. GOVERNOR’S MANSION – NIGHT – DAY

The whole mess is raising it’s head again. The wife tells him what the lawyer wants. He objects. She insists, and then tells him what she has done to protect them since he fathered a bastard child. She’s tolerated his philandering, and she had to take care of the murder with the dirty cop’s help. She has her ambitions, and the governor is going to go alone with them.

INT. PARENT HOME – NIGHT

Frank and Jack have broken in and are waiting for the mother to return. When she does, they sit her down to just talk. They convince her they did not kill her son.

She tells them it was her sister’s son. She was a prostitute and got pregnant by a john. But she never said who the father was. Just some collage frat boy. She didn’t get an abortion. She tried to blackmail the boy after her son was born. After she was killed, the sister raised the boy as her own to hide him.

INT./EXT. UNIVERSITY – DAY

Jack and Frank search for the victim’s father. How? Not quite sure. But they learn the governor was the boy’s father. They realize the power their fighting.

EXT. LOCATION – DAY

PLACEHOLDER: The dirty cop flashes his badge and grabs Jack’s daughter off the street.

ACT III —–

INT./EXT. LOCATION – NIGHT

Jack gets the call. The assassin has taken Jack’s daughter and holds her hostage. They trade themselves and the missing videotape for her life.

Jack and Frank realize the videotape is still missing. Who has it? They don’t know, but they can fake one to get their daughter back.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

Simon and dirty cop confer on their plan. Dirty Cop is insulted that Simon thinks he’s better than the cop. Simon is philosophical. It’s a job to him, no right, no wrong, no sides. The cop did it for greed, power, sex with the wife. Etc.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – NIGHT

Jack and Frank arrive at location. They have a tape to trade that gets them close. In the shootout, they kill to get his daughter back, but Frank dies.

But by killing the dirty cops, they have eliminated all the witnesses that could connect the governor to his conspiracy.

RESOLUTION —–

INT./EXT LOCATION – NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: Jack has learned the truth, found partial justice, has met his daughter. But he’s still wanted by the cops, and to protect his daughter, he must move on. The governor has escaped justice.

EXT. LOCATION – DAY

The governor and his wife hold another press conference about the death of the dirty cop (NAME?). That he was killed by Frank and Jack, who is now on the run. They are questioned about the early release program that has now hurt his VP chances.

INT. MAFIA SOCIAL CLUB – DAY

Mafia boss is reading the newspaper about the shootout killing the dirty cops and Frank. He puts down the paper when a man enters, the reporter who wrote the story. The Mafia boss tells the reporter he needs to amend the story. The reporter asks why. The boss pulls out the missing videotape of the victim being killed and hand it to the reporter.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s High Speed Beat Sheet

What have I learned doing this assignment?

This was the hardest lesson for me learn thus far. I’m a perfectionist that tries to write a perfect first draft. I had to write without criticizing every word and just keep moving. I still wrote too much. But like my script, I’m a work in progress too. I have to learn to leave my bad habits behind.

—Act I—

INT. PRISON CELL BLOCK – DAY

Bedlam inside a maximum-security prison cell block. The prisoners locked in their cells. Frank Valentino is being walked out of prison by guards.

INT. WARDEN’S OFFICE – DAY

Frank enters to meet the warder, one last meeting before Frank is released. The warden speaks to Frank about the crime he committed, his incarceration, his conduct as a prisoner.

Frank has been granted early parole.

EXT. PARK – DAY

Jack Donovan sits at a park bench across from a school watching his daughter from a distance. He’s confronted by his ex-wife who sees him. She warns him to stay away from her and their daughter, they have a new life, and his daughter doesn’t know him. Jack has been granted early parole, too. Why? Jack realizes he’s lost everything and wants it back.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

INCITING INCIDENT: Jack and Frank meet secretly. They’re not allowed to associate with each other while on parole. They discuss their parole agents, where they’re living, etc.

Jack tells Frank he wants to reopen the investigation into the murder to find the real killers. Frank refuses. He wants to move on, and he’s headed to Phoenix. They argue, and they go their separate ways.

INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY

Jack meets with the victim’s family lawyer. He walks into the lion’s den. Jack insists his innocence. That someone got to the victim in the holding cell. Lawyer doesn’t care. The CCTV evidence doesn’t prove that, so either Jack and Frank are lying, or everyone else is. The lawyer gives Jack the case files from the civil lawsuit.

INT. HALFWAY HOUSE – DAY

Turning Point: Dirty cops try to kill Frank at his halfway house. They fail. Frank barely escapes. Frank realizes someone wants him dead, that he won’t be able to just disappear

—Act II—

INT. JACK’S ROOM – DAY

Frank finds Jack and agrees to investigate the murder, but they have to go into hiding.

Frank wants vengeance/Jack wants justice to get his life back. Frank agrees to do things Jack’s way.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: Simon receives a phone call from a client. He agrees to kill Jack and Frank.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: Jack and Frank go over the files, comparing the criminal files to the civil files. They learn the victim was an illegitimate child. Father unknown. Adopted. Information they never knew because they were not part of the civil trial.

BIG QUESTIONS: Who got into the holding cell when victim was alone? What happened to the jailhouse guards? Who wanted him dead? Is something wrong with the surveillance DVD of the police holding cell?

INT./EXT. LOCATION – NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: Simon and the leading dirty cop meet. Discuss letting Frank and Jack investigate to find any holes in the frame that were overlooked.

INT. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE – DAY

The governor and his wife are in a meeting with staff discussing the potential VP nomination. At the end of the meeting, one of the dirty cops that tried to kill Frank enters. He’s on the governor’s protection team.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY

PLACEHOLDER: Frank and Jack are following one of the guards on duty the night of the killing. He’s no longer a cop, but a security guard. Suspended for sleeping on the job.

They get him to talk. He wasn’t involved, but gives them a lead. The CCTV was recorded on videotape not digital. No “ClOUD” back in the day. The technician who created the DVD must have altered the original.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: The guard is killed by Simon cleaning up the mess.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY

PLACEHOLDER: Frank and Jack find the police technician that altered the tape tortured and killed by Simon before they can question him. They figure he gave up the original tape during the torture.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – DAY/NIGHT

PLACEHOLDER: They become suspects in the murder of the guard. Cops are looking for them.

— Midpoint Turning Point—

INT. MAFIA SOCIAL CLUB – DAY

Jack and Frank seek out the Mafia boss Frank did favors for while he was in prison to say alive. The reason why Frank didn’t want to dig into the past.

They need a place to hide. Mafia boss agrees to help find the adoptive parents.

INT. PARENT HOME – NIGHT

Frank and Jack have broken in and are waiting for the mother to return. When she does, they sit her down to just talk. They convince her they did not killed her son.

She tells them it was her sister’s son. She was a prostitute and got pregnant by a john. But she never said who the father was. Just some collage frat boy. She didn’t get an abortion. She tried to blackmail the boy after her son was born. After she was killed, the sister raised the boy as her own to hide him.

INT./EXT. UNIVERSITY – DAY

Jack and Frank search for the victim’s father. How? Not quite sure. But they learn the governor was the boys father. They realize the power their fighting.

—Act III—

INT./EXT. LOCATION – NIGHT

Turning Point: The assassin grabs Jack’s daughter and holds her hostage. They trade themselves for her life.

INT./EXT. LOCATION – NIGHT

—Climax—

Jack and Frank kill to get her back. Frank dies in the shoo tout. And by killing the dirty cops, they eliminate the witnesses that could connect the governor to his conspiracy.

—Resolution—

Jack has learned the truth, found partial justice, has met his daughter. But he’s still wanted. And to protect her, he realizes he must move on, that the governor has escaped justice.

INT. MAFIA SOCIAL CLUB – DAY

Mafia boss is reading the newspaper about the shootout killing the dirty cops and Frank. He puts down the paper when a man enters, the reporter who wrote the story. The Mafia boss tells the reporter he needs to amend the story. The reporter asks why. The boss pulls out the missing videotape of the victim being killed and hand it to the reporter.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Transformational Events

What have I learned from this assignment?

My characters are not the only ones on a transformational journey. I’m on a transformational journey of my own. Transformational Events not only adds layers to character and plot, but these assignments also add layers to my skill set and writing.

By defining and redefining the characters in incremental stages, I can see the story unfolding (often in a direction I never intended), which will help me with the outline prior to writing the script. I’m learning to develop the story by better developing the characters and understanding their transformation. And as a result, my story has changed in the past 24 hours, adding deeper layers.

Jack Donovan/Frank Valentino

Old ways:

· Ex-cons/Convicted police officers

· Ignorant of the power against them

· Rely on former training to investigate murder

· Angry/fearful no-one will know the truth (Jack)

· Accepts his fate and wants to move on (Frank)

· Afraid his daughter will never know him (Jack)

New Ways:

· Expose governor as the victim’s father

· Reveal the conspiracy in the murder

· Confront/kill the real murderer

· Vindication for being wrongly convicted

· Relationship with daughter (Jack)

Transformational Events

· Jack and Frank meet to discuss investigating the murder. They argue and go their separate ways.

· Jack begins investigation/visits old lawyer to discuss case

· Dirty cops try to kill Frank/he escapes realizing he can’t just disappear

· Frank joins Jack to investigate/but have different objectives. Jack wants justice/Frank revenge

· Dilemma: Every new lead gets them closer but frustrates their investigation. Witnesses/ suspects turn up dead. Evidence is missing. They discover something wrong with the surveillance DVD of the police holding cell and track down the technician. But he’s been tortured/murdered.

· They discover the governor’s head of security in one of the cops who tried to kill Frank and the governor’s conspiracy, and the power their fighting.

· A Mafia boss connected to Frank leads them down the dark path of vengeance

· Jack’s daughter is taken, and by killing to get her back, they kill the dirty cops that connect the governor to his conspiracy, and Frank dies.

· Jack has learned the truth, found his justice, meets his daughter, but must move on to protect her, realizing the governor has escaped justice.

FOUR ACT STRUCTURE

GENRE: THRILLER/ACTION

Concept: After being released from prison, two ex-police officers, Jack Donovan and Frank Valentino, investigate the murder for which they were wrongly convicted.

Main Conflict: The governor and his wife, desperate protect their political ambitions, hire an assassin to kill Jack and Frank before they can find the truth behind the murder.

Old Ways: They try to investigate the murder like cops. Question witnesses. Dig for documents. Non-violence tactics.

New Ways: They adapt criminal methods learned in prison to find the truth. Use underworld contacts to find evidence. Hard interrogation of suspects. Kill their way to the top.

Act 1

Opening: Frank is released from prison during a prison riot spurred by his lease. We learn about his life and incarceration from a conversation with the warden. What he did to survive.

Jack sits across from a grammar school watching his daughter play. He’s confronted by his ex-wife who sees him. Because he’s an ex-con, she warns him to stay away from her and their daughter. Jack realizes he’s lost everything.

Inciting Incident: Jack and Frank meet after years apart. They try to reconnect. Jack wants to find the truth and the real killer to get his life back. Frank refuses. He wants to disappear. They argue and go their separate ways.

Jack meets with the lawyer who represented them. He encourages Jack to move on, that nobody cares. There is no new evidence to find. He gives Jack the old case files.

Turning Point: Cops try to kill Frank and fail. Frank realizes somebody wants him and Jack dead and that he won’t be able to disappear.

Act 2

New plan: Frank reaches out to Jack and agrees to investigate the murder from the beginning. But Frank wants vengeance, and Jack wants and justice to get his life back. Frank agrees to do things Jack’s way…for now.

Plan in action: They’re forced into hiding and conduct their investigation in secret. Every lead gets them closer but frustrates their investigation. Witnesses/suspects turn up dead. Evidence is missing.

They discover something wrong with the surveillance DVD of the police holding cell and track down the technician. But he’s been tortured/murdered.

Midpoint Turning Point: They discover the governor’s head of security in one of the cops who tried to kill Frank and the governor’s conspiracy, and the power their fighting.

Act 3

Rethink everything:

Jack and Frank turn to a Mafia boss Frank did favors for in prison to say alive. And the reason why Frank didn’t want to dig into the past.

He Mafia boss leads them toward the victim’s prostitute mother. They learn he was the governor’s illegitimate son. They now learn the motive.

New plan:

The search for the victim’s mother but find her long dead.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift

The assassin grabs Jack’s daughter and holds her hostage. They trade themselves for her life.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict

They kill to get her back, but by killing the dirty cops, they eliminate the witnesses that could connect the governor to his conspiracy. And Frank dies.

Resolution

Jack has learned the truth, found partial
justice, and have met his daughter. But to protect her, he realizes he must move
on, that the governor has escaped justice.

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Hal and Cheryl

What did I learn from the teleconference?

I learned I was on the right path for my life. I had a strange DeJa’Vu moment during this class from a dream I had long ago.

If I apply myself to the ProSeries, and I’m willing to put in the work, even a beginning/ intermediate writer like me can succeed as a screenwriter in the entertainment industry.

Focus on the learning and the skills not content.

Intelligence is based on your ability to learn, not on what you already know. I have to reach beyond what I think I already know and learn, learn, learn.

I need to develop all the skills/elements of screenwriting to be the screenwriter producers want to work with. I don’t want to be the person on the outside watching someone else have my success.

Beyond talent, screenwriting requires a vast skill set that needs to be developed.

Set aside what I think I already know to expand my knowledge and skills. Eliminate bad habits. Absorb everything I don’t know.

Forgive myself for not being perfect.

Subconscious mind helps the creative mind.

Celebrate the success of other screenwriters in our alumni to create my own successful mind set.

Don’t be critical of other writers’ work. Focus on what they do great. Too much criticism takes you out of the creative process/mindset. Give feedback to improve my own skills sets.

Buzz posts help create a network and writers to get other deals.

The Hollywood entertainment industry is looking for new ideas and not interested in stealing ideas.

Do the Easy Way.

And lastly, learn to love coffee.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Four Act Transformational Structure

What have I learned during this assignment?

This is the first draft of a script, and the journey of my protagonists have already deviated in different directions from what I have originally thought. And as their journeys are adjusted, the antagonists are forced to adjust their journeys.

The more I develop the characters and their journeys, they develop lives of their own and determine the path of the script. And while I don’t have all the answers yet, this process is obviously designed to map a direction and save me time before I put one word to page in my script.

GENRE: THRILLER/ACTION

Concept: After being released from prison, two ex-police officers, Jack Donovan and Frank Valentino, investigate the murder for which they were wrongly convicted.

Main Conflict: The governor and his wife, desperate protect their political ambitions, hire an assassin to kill Jack and Frank before they can find the truth behind the murder.

Old Ways: They try to investigate the murder like cops. Question witnesses. Dig for documents. Non-violence tactics.

New Ways: They adapt criminal methods learned in prison to find the truth. Use underworld contacts to find evidence. Hard interrogation of suspects. Kill their way to the top.

Act 1

Opening: Frank is released from prison during a prison riot spurred by his lease. We learn about his life and incarceration from a conversation with the warden. What he did to survive.

Jack sits across from a grammar school watching his daughter play. He’s confronted by his ex-wife who sees him. Because he’s an ex-con, she warns him to stay away from her and their daughter. Jack realizes he’s lost everything.

Inciting Incident: Jack and Frank meet after years apart. They try to reconnect. Jack wants to find the truth and the real killer to get his life back. Frank refuses. He was to just get away and disappear. They argue and go their separate ways.

Turning Point: Thugs try to kill Frank and fail. Frank realizes he can’t just disappear. Somebody wants him and Jack dead. He reaches out to Jack, and they agree to find the killers. But they’ll do it Jack’s way – by the book.

Act 2

New plan: They’re forced into hiding, realizing someone wants them killed, and conduct their own investigation in secret.

Plan in action: Their investigation is fruitless. They cannot uncover evidence. Witnesses are dead or uncooperative.

Midpoint Turning Point: They realize the identity of the victim. He was the governor’s illegitimate son from a prostitute. And now they know the power they’re against.

Act 3

Rethink everything:

Jack and Frank turn to Franks underworld connections, where we learn he did favors for them in prison to say alive. And the reason why Frank didn’t want to dig into the past.

New plan:

The search for the victim’s mother, who once thought dead.

Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift

The assassin grabs Jack’s daughter and holds her hostage. They swap her for the victim’s mother.

Act 4:

Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict

At the resulting shootout, Jack, his daughter, and the victim’s mother survive.

Resolution

The testimony of the victim’s mother destroys the governor’s career and exposes the murder. Jack is vindicated.

[Dana Abbott]

My name is Dana Abbott

I have written 3 scripts.

i’m taking the Pro Series to improve my skill set. There are things I’ve forgotten and things I never knew. I hope the class will help me to become a working screenwriter. And for me, there is no plan B.

I grew up in a house of five women but I write guy movies. I never pass swimming lessons but I’m now a certified scuba diver. I grew up in 49er territory but I’m a Dallas Cowboy fan. My life is nothing but irony.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Abbott

I agree to the terms of this release form

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Character Interviews

What have I learned during this assignment?

Interviewing my characters was a unique way of gaining insight into their motivations and focus the trajectory of the script to its conclusion. I have a better understanding of the beats, plot points and the climax.

GENRE: THRILLER/ACTION

QUESTIONS FOR PROTAGONIST: JACK DONOVAN

1. Tell me about yourself.

My name is Jack Donovan. I come from a long line of cops. My father was a cop. And so was his father. I spent the last 12 years in prison, isolated from the general population, convicted for a crime I didn’t commit. My father died while I was in prison. My mother moved out of state and died in a retirement home. I lost my wife, my friends, and my family. And now I want justice.

2. Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you?

Somebody needed a fall guy. And my partner and I fit the bill.

3. You are up against the antagonist. What is it about them that makes this journey even more difficult for you?

They’re powerful enough frame me for a murder I didn’t commit.

4. In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult?

Hide in plain sight. Learn to live on the street. Trust no one. Avoid my family to protect them.

5. What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of?

I spent my life believing in law and order. Everything by the book. And now I have to break the law to find the truth.

6. What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back?

That I’ll be killed before I can prove my innocence. That my family name will be forever shamed. My daughter will never know who I am.

7. What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist?

I’m police officer and prison survival skills. I’ve studied my case forwards and backward, and I have a road map where to start and who to ask for help.

8. What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know?

My wife was pregnant when I was sent to prison. She remarried after my daughter was born, and she’s being raised with another man’s name.

9. What do you think of the Antagonists?

They’re ruthless and willing to do anything to succeed. But they’re scared with a lot to lose.

10. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

My partner and I arrested a student activist at a protest march that threw a brick through our car windshield. We walked him through the booking process and put him in a cell, and the next morning he was found dead. He’d been beaten to death and died of internal bleeding. The evidence pointed to us, and we convicted of manslaughter.

11. What does it do for your life if you succeed here?

I get my reputation back. My family name is redeemed. I get my daughter back.

12. Ask any other questions about their character profile that will help you.

QUESTIONS FOR PROTAGONIST: FRANK VALENTINO

1. Tell me about yourself.

I joined the military out of high school where I served as an MP. I joined the police when I left the service. I never married. I have a brother in Arizona I haven’t seen in twenty years. I’m a loner. I have spent 12 yeas in prison for manslaughter, a crime I didn’t commit.

2. Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you?

I was forced into this situation. My partner

3. You are up against the Antagonist. What is it about them that makes this journey even more difficult for you?

I don’t know who they are yet. But whoever they are, they had to have help.

4. In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult?

I learned to use violence in prison to defend myself. I have to temper my violent nature.

5. What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of?

My partner wants justice. I want vengeance. I’ll do things his way…for now.

6. What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back?

Prison has held me back.

7. What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist?

Ex-cop. Ex-con. The best of both worlds.

8. What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know?

I killed men in prison in cold blood to survive.

9. What do you think of the Antagonist?

They’re going to pay for what they did.

10. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

My partner and I were convicted of a crime we didn’t commit.

11. What does it do for your life is you succeed here?

I can live in peace. Disappear and forget the past.

12. Ask any other questions about their character profile that will help you.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST: SIMON

1. Tell me about yourself.

Simon isn’t my real name. I was military trained, but I won’t tell you by which country. I have been working as a professional for more than three decades. I’ve never been arrested. My clients never meet me.

2. Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses?

I’m intelligent. Highly skilled and well trained. But when it comes to my survival, everyone comes last, including my clients.

3. Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change?

I’ve been paid by my client, and I pride myself in my professionalism.

4. What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition?

Money.

5. What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death?

I enjoy the challenge of the job. To test my own precision. It’s better than sitting behind a desk.

6. What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity?

My identity. The people I’ve killed.

7. Compared to other people like you, what makes you special?

I’ve never failed. I’ve never been caught. Nobody knows my real identity.

8. What do you think of the Protagonist?

I have empathy for them. Innocent men sent to prison. But I can’t let that get in the way of my job.

9. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

There are no sides. No right or wrong. No cause to fight for. Just the believe of yourself.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST: BRADFORD MILLS

1. Tell me about yourself.

I’m the governor of the state. I spent my life in public service, first as a district attorney and then attorney general. I’m married to a wonderful woman, and we have one daughter. My father was a senator, and I’ve been groomed for higher office almost since birth.

2. Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses?

I’m good at campaigning and influencing people into thinking I care about them. I enjoy the company of women outside of my marriage.

3. Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change?

It’s either them or me. If I fail, it means prison or worse.

4. What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition?

A place on the presidential ticket at VP.

5. What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death?

I’m a narcissist that craves notoriety. And I like power and defeating my enemies.

6. What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity?

I fathered an illegitimate son with a prostitute when I was in law school.

7. Compared to other people like you, what makes you special?

I have no shame. I will do anything to win.

8. What do you think of the Protagonists?

Two cops? Now ex-cons. Who will believe them?

9. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

My illegitimate son was becoming a political liability. His existence threated my career. I paid for his education and upbringing on the QT to keep him and his mother quiet, but it wasn’t enough. He began acting out publicly to threaten me. But I wasn’t responsible for what was done to him. I learned about it after the fact. Not that it upset me. It had to be done.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR ANTAGONIST: BRENDA MILLS

1. Tell me about yourself.

I’m the wife of a governor. A mother of one. I had a degree in law and worked at a prestigious law firm for many years, until I quit to support my husband’s campaign for governor.

2. Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses?

I’m intelligent, ruthless, and shameless. I have connections my husband doesn’t. And I’m willing to use them for my own ends.

3. Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change?

They need to fail for my husband and I to achieve our political goals.

4. What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition?

My husband is on the short list for VP.

5. What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death?

6. What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity?

I had my husband’s illegitimate son killed.

7. Compared to other people like you, what makes you special?

I’m not the typical political wife. I’m willing to kill to accomplish my aims.

8. What do you think of the Protagonist?

They’re a nuisance that should have been dealt with in prison.

9. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story.

I’ve had to tolerate my husband’s infidelities our entire marriage. And he owes me. But when I learned he impregnated a prostitute while we were dating in law school, I wasn’t going to let his bastard son threaten our political ambitions. I had him killed and framed the two cops.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Character Profiles Part 2

What have I learned during this assignment?

Expanding the character profiles from the previous assignment helped me realize I needed to create an additional character. Splitting one character into two streamlined character motivations and created the conflict and the grey area between good and evil.

The more I define and redefine the characters the story moves forward.

GENRE: THRILLER/ACTION

PROTAGONIST: JACK DONOVAN

Role in the story: Protagonist / Hero / Victim. Ex-cop wrongfully convicted of manslaughter seeking redemption after being released from prison.

Age and description: Male. Mid-50’s. Physically strong. Aged.

Internal journey: A man angry at being wrongfully convicted to finding redemption.

External journey: From ex-con to respected and reinstated police officer.

Motivation: Regain his life and develop relationship with daughter.

Wound: Imprisoned. Imprisoned. Lost his family. Publicly hated.

Mission / agenda: Expose the truth and bring down antagonists.

Secret: A daughter from his first marriage is raised by another man.

What makes him special: Retains a sense of justice despite the injustice done to him.

What draws us to this character? He’s been beaten down but not defeated. He refuses to give up his journey to prove his innocence. A strong sense of right and wrong.

Traits: Intelligent. Unrelenting. Vulnerable.

Subtext: Wants to protect his daughter but his search for the truth my jeopardize her.

Flaw: Zealous but naïve. Believes everyone wants to know and will accept the truth.

Values: Truth. Family. Daughter.

Irony: Moral but willing to break the law to find the truth. Wrongly convicted but still believes in justice.

What makes this the right character for this role? Good detective seeking justice with prison survival skills he uses to find the truth.

PROTAGONIST: FRANK VALENTINO

Role in the story: Protagonist / Hero / Victim. Ex-cop wrongfully convicted of manslaughter but has accepted his fate and wants to disappear and forget his past.

Age and description: Male. Mid-50’s. Physically hard.

Internal journey: Defeated and beaten to empowered and vengeful.

External journey: Ex-con released from prison to vindicated.

Motivation: Revenge.

Wound: Wrongly imprisoned.

Mission / agenda: Revenge for everyone involved who send him and Jack to prison.

Secret: Killed inmates in prison to survive.

What makes him special: Strong loyalty to his partner.

What draws us to this character? Realist willing to accept his fate until he’s threatened and . He’s the opposite of his partner

Traits: Violent. Unforgiving. Uncompromising. Blunt.

Subtext: Brutal silence.

Flaw: Fear of the past. Drawing attention to himself.

Values: Loyalty. Friendship.

Irony: Once time honest cop who turns to crime to find the truth. Never used his weapon as a cop but now prone to violence.

What makes this the right character for this role? The years in prison have given him survival skills that he uses to avoid being killed on the outside.

ANTAGONIST: SIMON

Role in the story: Antagonist / Villain / Predator. Assassin assigned to kill Jack and Frank before they expose the truth.

Age range and description: Male. Mid 40’s. Immaculately dressed and groomed. Lean and fit. Smooth and very professional.

Internal journey: Unemotional to apologetic / philosophical about his work.

External journey: Arrives to solve problem but is eventually the one being hunted.

Motivation: Money. Please his client.

Wound: Even he doesn’t know.

Mission / Agenda: To kill Jack and Frank and protect client’s secret.

Secret: Killed the original victim. Framed Jack and Frank for the murder.

What makes him special? Highly intelligent. Detached from morality. Prides himself on his professionalism.

What draws us to this character? Obsessed with the precision of his work and how he plans to accomplish the job.

Traits: Intelligent. Proficient.

Subtext: Polite when threatening others. Uses moral absolutes to defend his immoral acts.

Flaw: Kills people for money.

Values: Money. Loyal to his clients.

Irony: He understands right and wrong, but it doesn’t apply to himself. Unemotional about his assignment until it becomes an issue of pride.

What makes this the right character for this role? He committed original murder and needs to be involved to protect himself from exposure.

ANTAGONIST: BRADFORD MILLS

Role in the story: Antagonist / Authority. Attorney General who prosecuted Jack and Frank. Current governor of the state. On short list for the vice presidency.

Age range and description: Male. Late 40’s. Handsome. Family man with wife and child.

Internal Journey: Strong and confident / nervous and frightened about being exposed as a fraud.

External journey: Candidate for vice president to embroiled in scandal/murder.

Motivation: To become VP nominee.

Wound: Desperate for approval from dead father.

Mission / Agenda: To get the VP nomination.

Secret: Fathered a child with a prostitute.

What makes him special? Projects a public image of strength and integrity. Very charismatic.

What draws us to this character? Suffers from an insecurity that people will discover he’s a fraud.

Traits: Ambitious. Willing to deceive other.

Subtext: Regrets the life he’s lead by expressing secret desires for a different life.

Flaw: Adulterer.

Values: Career. Family.

Irony: Law and order politician involved in the coverup of a murder.

What makes this the right character for this role? Groomed for a political future his whole life by money and family but weak and easily manipulated. The perfect political puppet who does as he’s told.

ANTAGONIST: BRENDA MILLS

Role in the story: Antagonist / Authority. Wife of Bradford Mills. Power behind the throne. Mother.

Age range and description: Female. Late 40’s. Attractive. Blonde. Elegant.

Internal Journey: Strong and confident becoming nervous and frightened for his political future.

External journey: Loving wife of governor to mastermind controlling events.

Motivation: Power. Social status.

Wound: Husband cheats on her.

Mission / Agenda: To protect her husband’s political career.

Secret: Hired the assassin who killed her husband’s illegitimate son.

What makes her special? Her devotion her to husband’s career to the point of killing to protect him.

What draws us to this character? She’s the strength behind her husband, willing to do anything to succeed.

Traits: Ambitious. Ruthless.

Subtext: Hides her true ambitions behind the veneer of the dutiful, non-political wife.

Flaw: Willing to kill for her ambitions

Values: Power.

Irony: Devoted wife and mother / ruthless sociopath.

What makes this the right character for this role? Prototypical political wife. Elegant and refined, but brutally ambitious and controlling of her husband and his career.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Character Profiles Part 1

What have I learned during this assignment?

Defining the characters and their motivations before scripting helps create the direction and conflict that moves the story. I can see the story unfolding as I develop my characters.

GENRE: THRILLER/ACTION

JACK DONOVAN

Role in the story: Protagonist / Hero / Victim. Ex-cop wrongfully convicted of manslaughter seeking redemption after being released from prison.

Age and description: Male. Mid-50’s. Physically defeated.

Internal journey: Angry and vengeful to peace and redemption.

External journey: From ex-con to respected police officer.

Motivation: Regain his old life back and relationship with daughter.

Wound: Imprisoned. Lost his family. Publicly hated.

Mission / agenda: Find the truth and bring down villains.

Secret: Has a daughter from first marriage being raised by another man.

What makes his special: Retains a sense of justice despite the injustice done to him.

FRANK VALENTINO

Role in the story: Protagonist / Hero / Victim. Ex-cop wrongfully convicted of manslaughter but has accepted his fate and wants to disappear and forget his past.

Age and description: Male. Mid-50’s. Emotionally and physically hard.

Internal journey: Hardened and defeated by prison to empowered and vengeful.

External journey: Ex-con not willing to dig up past to searching for his own brand of justice.

Motivation: Wants blood for everyone involved who sent him to prison.

Wound: Wrongly imprisoned.

Mission / agenda: To find and kill everyone involved who send him and Jack to prison.

Secret: Killed inmates in prison to survive.

What makes him special: Loyalty to his partner.

SIMON

Role in the story: Antagonist / Villain / Predator. Assassin assigned to kill Jack and Frank before they learn the truth.

Age range and description: Male. Mid 40’s. Immaculately dressed and groomed. Lean and fit. Smooth and very professional.

Internal journey: Cool sociopath to

External journey: Arrives in the city from aboard to solve problem but is eventually killed.

Motivation: Loyalty to bosses.

Wound: Unknown.

Mission / Agenda: To kill Jack and Frank and protect governor’s secret from being exposed.

Secret: Killed the student activist and framed Jack and Frank for the murder.

What makes him special? Highly intelligent. A professional obsessed with the precision of his job.

BRADFORD MILLS

Role in the story: Antagonist / Authority. Attorney General who prosecuted Jack and Frank. Current governor of the state. On short list for the vice presidency.

Age range and description: Male. Late 40’s. Handsome family man, wife and children.

Internal Journey: Strong and confident becoming nervous and frightened for his political future.

External journey: Candidate for vice president to embroiled in scandal/murder.

Motivation: Power. Fame.

Wound: Desperate for approval from dead father.

Mission / Agenda: To cover up his involvement in murder.

Secret: Fathered a child with a prostitute while in law school.

What makes him special? Charming and charismatic in public / weak and frightened in private.

SUPPORTING CHARACTERS / MINOR ROLES

Jack’s ex-wife who wants a new life with her new husband. Wants to protect her daughter – Jack’s daughter born while he was in prison – from him and his life.

Retired captain who supervised Jack and Frank and reluctantly helps with their investigation.

Lawyer who defended Jack and Frank at trial but withheld information.

Dirty cops that help Simon.

Family of murder victim.

Simon’s bosses that drive him forward. Never seen. But heard over phone calls.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Transformational Journey

What have I learned during this assignment?

I used to write scripts by sitting down and writing, adjusting the characters as they developed. To start with defined characters and their arcs makes scripting much easier and better focused.

Who is your Hero(s) and what is their Character Arc that represents a transformation?

Two police detectives (not yet named) wrongly convicted of manslaughter for killing a college student/political activist that was in their custody.

Internal Journey: Angry and revengeful to redemption and peace

External Journey: Racist killers hated by society to respected police officers who bring the real murders to justice.

Old ways: Alone and resentful, ignorant of the crime, perished skills

New Ways: Needing each other, finding the killer, developed new skill sets

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Abbott

I’ve written 3 scripts. 2 years ago and 1 recent

I’m enrolled in the ProSeries that starts next week, and may have bitten off more than I can chew doubling up on my classes, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity the 30 Day Screenplay course can provide to improve my speed in writing scripts.

Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?

I’m a man who grew up in a house of 5 women, and while enjoy action guy movies, most of the scripts I write favor strong female leads. Go figure!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

I agree to the terms of the release forn

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s marketing plan.

What I learned from this assignment:

I need to better develop my credentials and increase the number of producers on my social media pages to improve my marketability. Start with small projects, be accommodating to producers, seek referrals from my network, and work toward a future as a professional screenwriter.

Letter:

Hello, (producer name)

My name is Dana Abbott, and I am a screenwriter based in California. I specialize in thriller and suspense scripts. I am writing you this letter to introduce myself and let you know that I am available for writing assignments, rewriting screenplays, developing book adaptation, and writing original scripts from your ideas.

I was agent represented years ago by two agencies at different times. Scott Meredith in New York, and the French Agency in Los Angeles. I am currently enrolled in the ScreenwritingU Pro Series to polish my screenwriting skills, and have completed classes in Thriller and Horror writing.

If you need anything from me, including writing samples, please let me know.

Best Wishes,

Dana Abbott
(XXX) XXX-XXXX
Email: XXX@XXX.Com
LinkedIn Profile: Dana Abbott

How I intend to market myself:

Work with family and friends in the film industry and ask for referrals and/or develop projects

Contact producers on LinkedIn with IMDb credit and let them know I am available for writing assignments

Update/create social media pages to advertise my screenwriting business

Rewrite and complete spec scripts/outlines/treatments to interest producers considering me for work

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

What I learned from doing this project:

I have a lot of work ahead of me to perfect my specialty. I need to emphasis, but not limit, my LinkedIn contacts to producers that have actual production credentials in my specialty.

At this point, I need to be more concerned with getting a deal made than the money. I need to get my name known in the industry and work my way into paid assignments. Don’t give away my work for free, but make I benefit from my writing in either credit or money and eventually both. I have to work my way up. And don’t waste time!

Specialty: Thriller/suspense

Sub-specialty: Horror

Expertise: I have recently completed one thriller, and I am currently working on my second. I have a third script I wrote in my twenties that was agent represented. And I intend to pull it out of mothballs and rewrite it.

LinkedIn Producers: 76

Increase My Perceived Value

Today: Rework my LinkedIn page to emphasis my future career as a screenwriter with less emphasis on my past career.

30 Days: Brainstorm ideas with producer/director contacts (non-LinkedIn) to develop a low budget/high concept script for production. Outline/perfect future script ideas and draft the treatments.

Work on my LinkedIn page every day. Connect to producers in the film industry with similar script/film interests. Connect to screenwriter forums/groups online

6 Months: Complete the Pro Series from ScreenwritingU. Complete the Horror and Thriller screenwriting classes from ScreenwritingU

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana is a Note Taking Professional!

What I learned with this assignment:

I wrote the original script in the style of a “Dirty Harry” film with Harry Callahan as a primary character. This helped me capture the mood of the script, knowing I would have to rewrite the script and change the Callahan character in a final version. This assignment coerced me to revise my ideas earlier than anticipated.

Redrafting my treatment/script to change the genre and reduce the budget forced me to reconsider the structure of the overall film. It challenged me to change action to suspense, cut scenes and characters, and narrow the scope without compromising the original concept. It forced me to be more creative with less.

It also taught me to be more conservative when writing/outlining a script. Crafting a script that comes in under the original budget will please the producer and help him/her find financing. Being under budget also provides the producer the opportunity to either add scenes or attract a higher paid actor.

Title: Harry Callahan (working title)

Logline:

San Francisco cop, Inspector Andrea Jimenez, pursues a surgical serial killer who has returned from the dead. But to capture her quarry, she must overcome the politics of a department bent on burying the past and seek the help of the retired police cop, Harry Callahan, who pursued the killer years before.

Cut the budget in half:

Many of the changes to cut the budget were discussed in the last assignment, and have I included them below with additional changes to reduce costs.

1. Cut the son and ex-wife of lead character. This eliminates 2 locations (1 expensive) and a crowd seen with multiple children and extras. The scene can be accomplished with a heated phone call between the character and his ex-wife.

2. Cut the restaurant shootout. This eliminates another location with multiple non-speaking extras, a crowd scene, a car crash/chase, TV news anchors and reporters. This scene demonstrates the capabilities of the retired cop. This can be better demonstrated with the robbers breaking into the cop’s home, hired by the villain to test the cop’s mettle.

3. Cut a courthouse meeting between the ADA and lead characters. An impromptu meeting on the courthouse steps eliminates the need for a set design or use of a real courtroom. And holding a tight shot can eliminate the need for background extras.

4. Change the female lead character’s life partner to a cat. This demonstrates the loneliness of the lead character and can add humor to the script. Having her take a bubble bath while talking to her cat about her partner/case can also show a softer side to her street-tough character. This will add cost for a cat wrangler, but less than an actor.

5. Rewrite the law office scene in the SF tower. Use a smaller, stately office to accomplish the goal of wealth and power.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­Additional budget cuts:

1. Eliminate the opening car/foot chase and subsequent crash and fire. Replace this scene with a foot chase between the lead character and a hooded perp through a warehouse district with dark allies. The perp escapes due to the lead character’s advanced age, which results in being assigned a much younger, college educated, partner. The street cop vs. college educated cop will also add to the conflict between the characters.

2. Eliminate the car chase in the through the city. Change this action scene to a more suspense-oriented scene where the partners get separated searching for the serial killer.

3. Cut the number of locations/scenes to simple locations

a. SF courthouse steps becomes an office

b. Lunch café seen and multiple extras

c. Full nightclub/strip join becomes an empty nightclub

4. Eliminate primary/secondary characters

a. The retired cop (this character becomes the lead character)

b. 2 Inspectors

c. 3 narc cops from opening scene

d. 2 perps from opening scene

e. Extras from lunch café

Write for a different audience:

Original audience – Men and women over 25

New audience – Men over 25

Double conflict:

1. Lead characters at odds over the suspected killer and approach to catch him

2. Lead character and villain play a cat and mouse game/communicate with each other

3. Reporters push for more answers/department doesn’t want to answer them

4. Lead character butts head with bosses/reporters

Change sex and age of the lead character(s):

1. Lead character – Female, thirties / Male, late fifties

2. Partner – Male, forties / Male, thirties

3. Department Lieutenant – Male, fifties / Female, forties

Change Genre:

Thriller/suspense – Thriller/horror

This can be accomplished by:

1. Changing the protagonist’s motives

2. Increasing the number of victims

3. Making the crimes more horrific

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Decreased Budget

What did I learn:

Finding ways to cut a budget after a script is written requires me to be more creative as a writer. When I start writing the treatment and outline, I should consider how to narrow the scope of the project to save money, even with a large production. Rethinking your choices and a budget will keep the script tight and help attract producers and possible investors. The more money you save, the more money you make.

MAIN VARIABLES

Number of Locations – 26 including street chase scenes and 6 sets

Expensive Locations – 6 including car chase

Number of Characters

Primary – 18

Secondary Speaking – 14

Secondary Non-speaking – 33

Special Effects – None

Number of Pages – 107 pages

Crowd Scenes – 4 scenes with 40+ people/reporters/children

Stunts – multiple

Chase scenes – 3

Fight scenes – 2

Shootouts – 1

SECONDARY VARIABLES

Rights to music, brands, books, etc. – None

Explosions and firearms

Car explosions/fires – 2

Car crash – 1

Firing range, Restaurant shootout, Final death scene

Kids

1 Primary (cop’s son)

10 Secondary Non-speaking

Animals – None

Weather – Night fog

Water and underwater scenes – None

Night scenes – 8

Drone shot – 1 of villain’s home

Green screen work – None

Extensive make-up – Wounds and dead bodies

Archival footage – None

Anything else dangerous – Villain’s daughter dies in car fire

_______________________

How to decrease the budget:

1. Cut the son and ex-wife of lead character. This eliminates 2 locations (1 expensive) and a crowd seen with multiple children and extras. The scene can be accomplished with a heated phone call between the character and his ex-wife.

2. Cut the restaurant shootout. This eliminates another location with multiple non-speaking extras, a crowd scene, a car crash/chase, TV news anchors and reporters. This scene demonstrates the capabilities of the retired cop. This can be better demonstrated with the robbers breaking into the cop’s home, hired by the villain to test the cop’s mettle.

3. Cut a courthouse meeting between the ADA and lead characters. An impromptu meeting on the courthouse steps eliminates the need for a set design or use of a real courtroom. And holding a tight shot can eliminate the need for background extras.

4. Change the female lead character’s life partner to a cat. This demonstrates the loneliness of the lead character and can add humor to the script. Having her take a bubble bath while talking to her cat about her partner/case can also show a softer side to her street-tough character. This will add cost for a cat wrangler, but less than an actor.

5. Cut the law office scene in the SF tower. Use a smaller, stately office to accomplish the goal of wealth and power. This eliminates another expensive location.

6. Cut the reporter scenes and alluded to the bad press the department and the case is receiving.

These revisions would eliminate multiple expensive locations, crowd scenes, secondary characters, kids, a restaurant/street shootout, stunt work, car crash, and secondary sets. These cuts consolidate several scenes into a single location.

As I rewrite the script, I’m sure I will find other cost cutting measures.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Day 8 Assignment

I am working with an outside partner on this assignment, and therefore I cannot post his treatment as it is a proprietary work.

What I learned during this process:

To remember it’s the producer’s film. My job is to enhance and expand his vision and suggest directions he/she may have not considered. It’s tempting to take control of the project and write the treatment in a direction you think is best that the producer may hate. To avoid temptation and wasted time, keep in daily contact with producer and ask questions. And don’t take things personally when he/she says “no,” or “I don’t like that.” Remember it’s the producers vision that you’d putting to paper.

What is most important? To make a character driven, cinematic film.

What does the producer want to accomplish? To get the film made.

Where will the film wind up? Theater release.

The producer/director is interested in scripting a western with a Steampunk fusion.

It’s a smaller scale film with more landscape than set design to save money. The budget is under a $5 million.

The audience is primarily men 25 – 50 age range.

The lead character seeks revenge against the army and finds himself throwing in with small band of outlaws. They are chased by a crazy army officer and his posse.

The lead character arc is revenge based. A post-Civil War cavalry officer is shot and left for dead by a rogue army group stealing horses. He gets revenge on the men in the first act and escapes. He must fight the temptations of becoming an outlaw until the last act.

Opening scene: A group of renegade army soldiers shoot the main character and steel his horses, needing fresh mounts to escape native Americans chasing them.

Ending Scene: The final confrontation is between the lead character and the posse tracking him. A shootout during a wild mustang stampede.

This is as much as I can really reveal about his script.

[Dana Abbott]

I have worked with a producer/writer outside of this process. If you need to partner with someone during Day 8 process, please let me know.

danaabbott123@gmail.com

Thanks,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

I have worked with a producer/writer outside of this process. If you need to partner with someone during Day 8 process, please let me know.

danaabbott123@gmail.com

Thanks,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Fantastic Treatment

What I learned:

Acting as the producer during the interview was difficult to express an idea that was not fully formed.

Using another writer’s notes gave me a different perspective and enabled me to better focus my idea. Though it still needs work, I learned it was better to perfect a treatment before I put one word to paper with a screenplay. A treatment is easier to change than a screenplay.

TITLE: SISTERLY LOVE (Working Title)

WRITTEN BY: DANA ABBOTT

GENRE: THRILLER/SUSPENSE

TREATMENT: STRUCTURE

Synopsis: A master thief ingratiates herself into a very powerful and politically connected family. Her plan: murder the family matriarch and abscond with the family fortune. Pursued by an unscrupulous FBI agent with his own ambitions and a dogged Chicago cop out for justice, Katherine must stay one step ahead of her hunters.

Logline: Sisters make the best friends in the world – Marilyn Monroe

Opening: Katherine Lansing is robbing her victim blind. Money, jewels, everything, including a one-of-a-kind ruby necklace. Disguised as a much older woman, Katherine absconds, leaving nothing behind, not even a live witness. She’s smothered the victim in her bed. Katherine discards her disguise on a train bound from Chicago to Washington DC, and upon arrival, she struts across the floor of Union Station, a vibrant brunette, New York chic, and much younger. She vanishes into the crowd. At her hotel room, she steps from the shower. She’s tall with auburn hair, the real Katherine. She spreads out her take, examining the jewels, and considers a pair of diamond earrings as a trophy.

Detective Jo Dawson has a murder to solve. She and her partner walk the crime scene. There is no evidence. No forensics, no fingerprints, no witnesses. Their only suspect, an older woman hired by the victim as a domestic, has vanished like a ghost. The only lead is a ruby necklace, once owned by a Hollywood movie star and bought at auction by the victim. Find the necklace and find the killer.

Katherine meets with her fence, Amir Khouri, a man of very few questions with his own dark motives. She sells him the stolen jewelry and ruby necklace. They discuss recent events that may threaten them both. Another fence Katherine uses has gone to ground. Vanished. They don’t know why. Katherine suggests the possibility of retirement, to which Khouri laughs, telling her that she’s a huntress. It’s not the money she craves; it’s the thrill of the hunt.

Inciting Incident: Sitting at an upscale martini bar, Katherine watches a news report on the television. Aaron Townsend, a Wall Street financier with political connections, has died, leaving behind a wife and daughter. Katherine’s martini is left on the bar. She’s gone. Off on the hunt.

First Act Turning Point: Regina Townsend, wife of Aaron Townsend, and her daughter, Diana, attend her husband’s funeral. In the back of the church, hiding among the other mourners, Katherine watches with keen interest. After the service, family and friends gather at the family home for the wake. Whispers suggest Townsend’s death might not have been accidental, and suspicion falls on Diana, who suffers from paranoia. The last of the guests leave, and Regina has an opportunity to relax. The maid answers knock on the door. Katherine has arrived and pushes passed the maid into the foyer. Hearing raised voices, Regina enters the foyer. Katherine smiles and says, “Hello, Mother. I’m home.”

Midpoint: Katherine has reinserted herself into her family. Regina takes her two daughters to the horse races, one of her passions. While the horses charge the track, Katherine is approached by Special Agent Liam Briggs, FBI. Briggs has discovered Katherine’s identity and wealth but doesn’t arrest her. He has another agenda and wants to talk, which poses as a threat to Katherine. She tracks him to a motel and breaks into his room while he’s out. When he returns, she has a gun at the back of his head but hesitates to kill him. After a tense moment, they embrace, revealing they’re lovers. Partners. An unholy alliance.

Second Act Turning Point: Katherine puts her plan into action to kill her mother, frame her sister and take full control of the family fortune. The night of the killing, she establishes an alibi while Agent Briggs breaks into the house to smother Regina with a pillow. But Briggs finds Regina already dead and realizes he’s been double-crossed. He turns to flee but find Katherine aiming a gun at him. She shoots him twice, and while he dies on the floor, she stands over him and fires one last fatal shot.

Crisis: Jo Dawson, having met Agent Briggs earlier, tracks him to Katherine. Agent Briggs is thought to be the killer and responsible for the Chicago murders. A pair of diamond earrings is found in his motel room. But it’s too neat for Dawson. She investigates the sisters, suspicious of Katherine, pitting sister against sister.

Climax: The accusations and hatred between sisters grows. Each knows the other’s secrets and motives. And with neither willing to concede, they move toward a violent showdown with Jo Dawson. In the aftermath, Katherine is killed, and Diana is committed due to paranoid schizophrenia.

Resolution: In the final scenes, the true masterminds of the Townsend murders are revealed. The sisters were the plotters, but the masterminds pulled the trigger. In her Chicago office, Jo Dawson is putting the case to bed, filing the papers. She discovers a background report from an insurance company regarding one of the other players that links the masterminds together. The final shot, Jo puts the pieces together, realizing the true villains.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Producer Interview Experience

What I learned during this assignment:

I was unable to partner with anyone in this class, so I decided to go outside and contact a friend in Los Angeles. He is a young commercial director with a film school background (NY Film Academy) and one movie to his credit. He wrote the story and was the director of photography, and he agreed to help.

His genre is western but untitled.

As the writer, I learned to listen and focus on his idea. And during the process, we became comfortable with each other, allowing for a good brainstorming session. Being at ease with one another is crucial to help us both understand his vision.

As the producer, I learned to better focus on my
main theme and simplify my character arcs. Having questions asked of me
helped me realize my plot may be too complicated. Though my synopsis is still a little vague, his questions helped me understand the strengths and weaknesses of my vision and narrow the focus for my outline and treatment later.

[Dana Abbott]

Denise

If you haven’t partnered with anyone yet, I’d be glad to help with lessons 6 and 7.

Please email me if you’re interested.

danaabbott123@gmail.com

Thanks,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

If you have not yet partnered with anyone for the producer interview, please email me. I am in need of a partner to complete this lesson. Thanks.

danaabbott123@gmail.com

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

I am a little delayed due to work, but I have posted my thriller synopsis and I am ready to partner with someone for the writer/producer interview process.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Synopsis for Producer Interview

Title: (WORKING TITLE)

Genre: Thriller/Suspense

Logline:

A master thief ingratiates herself into one of the most powerful and politically connected families in Washington DC. Her plan: to murder the family matriarch and abscond with the family fortune. There is only one problem. She’s being pursued by unscrupulous FBI agent with his own ambitions and a dogged Chicago cop bent on justice for the victims.

Synopsis

Katherine Lansing is hard at work, stealing her way through the gentry class, leaving behind a trail of bodies and no witnesses.

When Jonathan Townsend, a wealthy Wall Street financier with strong political ties, is found dead in his Massachusetts home, Katherine targets the invalid widow and her daughter for the kill. Once accepted into the household, Katherine must delve into the family’s past to steal their millions. Only one person stands in her way.

Chicago Homicide Detective Jo Dawson is pursuing justice for Katherine’s latest victim. And she has one clue: a rare necklace once owned by the victim. Find the necklace and find the killer. But witnesses are being murdered, and an unscrupulous FBI agent with his own agenda complicates matters. Jo Dawson must play a dangerous game of chess to catch her quarry before Katherine can execute her final act.

[Dana Abbott]

Madeleine

I hope this doesn’t get to you too late in the day. I’m on West Coast time in California.

Thank you for your feedback regarding my script. You made some very good points. It’s nice to have another set of eyes reading my work. And I’ll take what you wrote to heart during my next rewrite.

I read your 10 page Set-Up for SPY CATCHER. I think you have a great concept for a story. The reluctant hero, Sarah Hopkins, recruited by the FBI agent, John Cunningham. The cloak and dagger relationship between the US and China. High-tech espionage. These are great elements that fulfill the genre.

Killing Wang Ling is a good surprise. That he was an FBI operative adds mystery. The FBI wanting her to complete his work creates the anticipation of future danger. How did New Mexico know Ling wasn’t going? What their relationship real? These are all elements of a good mystery.

However, reading your script, I felt as if I were reading from the Inciting Incident, Ling’s murder, forward. And the subsequent conversation between Sarah and FBI agent Cunningham was her Call to Adventure leading to her Refusal of the Call.

I think Ling’s murder happens too quickly. I wanted to know more about Sarah and Wang’s relationship and their given professions before Ling was killed. Her future job at Harvard. His connection to New Mexico. Maybe they bump into a colleague at the symphony who mention’s the job at Harvard by accident, and she hasn’t told Ling yet. These kinds of things could add little conflict and mystery to their relationship.

You could introduce Cunningham here, too, pretending to be a friend who delivers a cryptic message to Ling, but then dissolves into the crowd after Ling is killed. Ling’s assassin and/or villain could also be introduced here, watching Ling through the crowd before they strike and flee. When they show up later in the script, it would add suspense.

I think killing Ling at end of the Set-up will have a greater punch as the Inciting Incident, rather than killing him at the start. Then jump to the cemetery where Sarah and Cunningham meet, to her Call to Adventure. Her anger at learning the truth and being spied on by the FBI is also a great way to create the Refusal of the Call. Then you could introduce her nightmare sequence and her other frustrations leading up to the end of Act One.

I don’t think the ambulance and hospital scene were necessary. I also didn’t understand why Sarah was being consoled by the “pencil-thin man” in the hospital. I realize later he’s agent Cunningham, but it’s not clear if she knows him.

I hope you’re not too offended by my suggestions. Please, take my advice for what it’s worth. I hate it when other writers rewrite my ideas. I did that in class with my writing group. But I think you have all the elements of a great thriller that meets the genre. I feel they just need to be rearranged a little.

Best wishes,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

<div>Dana’s Thriller Writing Plan

What I learned from this assignment: To “stack the desk” with my 10 page
sample script. And to make sure that every ten pages of the script will
hook the producer/reader.

Summary:

When
a serial killer returns from a twenty-year hibernation, a retired San Francisco
cop, partnered with an inexperienced homicide detective, is given one last chance to rectify a past wrong and avenge
the forgotten victims.

</div>

FADE IN:

BLACK SCREEN. A ROARING CAR ENGINE.

CUT TO:

CAR POV – MOVING – NIGHT
The street disappears fast under the headlights.

INT./EXT. CHEVY NOVA – MOVING – CONTINUOUS

The driver, ROLAND MARCELLUS, 40’s, big, mean, ruthless. His passenger, a young kid, dead. Shot and bloodied.

EXT. STREET – WAREHOUSE DISTRICT – CONTINUOUS

The Chevy SCREAMS around the corner, racing to escape, out of control, charging up the empty street.

ANDREA JIMENEZ, 30’s, running like hell, her 9mm Glock drawn, chasing after the Chevy for blocks.

A Ford sedan ROARS in from nowhere. It cuts off the Chevy. THREE MEN inside. Older. Grizzled hard by the street.

The Chevy SKIDS to a stop. Marcellus shifts gears and BURNS RUBBER in reverse.
Jimenez charges into the street, stops, aims, FIRES.

The rear window of the Chevy SHATTERS.

The Chevy veers off. It CRASHES into the corner of a building and stops dead.

The driver’ door kicks open. Marcellus falls out. He stumbles to his feet and runs into the alley.

The Ford races up and stops. The men jump and run.

Gas spilling from the ruptured tank. Something sparks. The Chevy EXPLODES, throwing flames, blocking the alley.

Jimenez doesn’t stop. She charges the fire.

BOOKER
Jimenez! No! Wait!

Jimenez leaps into the flames and…

REVERSE ANGLE

…bursts through into the alley unscathed.

The men jump back in his Ford and speed off.

EXT. ALLEY – CONTINUOUS

Jimenez stalks into the alley. The fire CRACKLES behind her.

The alley ahead. Lots of shadows, places to hide.

Jimenez creeps forward, searching, listening, weapon trained, adrenaline pumping.

A BOTTLE IS KICKED. Jimenez spins. Nothing. She spins back, weapon trained. Her BREATHING hard.

Behind her, from the shadows of an alcove, Marcellus lunges. He tackles Jimenez. The automatic FIRES. They hit the ground.

The Glock skids across the alley and vanishes.

Marcellus SLUGS Jimenez in the ribs. She GROANS and recoils. Marcellus stands, searching for the weapon.

Jimenez wraps around his leg. Marcellus kicks her in the gut. She holds and rolls, bringing him back down, and jumps on his back.

They scrap other across the alley, rolling, throwing punches.

Marcellus is suddenly on his feet, a pipe in his hand.

Jimenez squares off. Brass knuckles glint on her hand.

Marcellus swings. Misses. Jimenez THUDS her knuckles into his gut – ONE TWO THREE FOUR. He drops the pipe. It CLANGS to the ground. They fall into a heap of trash. Jimenez pummeling him non-stop. Pissed off! Marcellus is in trouble.

MARCELLUS
Help! Help! Police! Help!

Headlights flood the alley. The Ford charges up and stops. The three men jump and run.

Booker pulls Jimenez off. She refuses to stop.

Marcellus lays there, dazed. The men roll and cuff him. They’re cops.

MARCELLUS
(whimpering)
Thank you… thank you…

Booker restrains Jimenez until she’s calm.

BOOKER
Jimenez… Jimenez! It’s over! It’s over. Calm down.

Jimenez stops, her adrenaline spent.

BOOKER
You okay?

JIMENEZ
I’m good. I’m good.

BOOKER
You’re forehead’s bleeding.

Jimenez checks for blood. Booker notices the brass knuckles.

BOOKER
You might want to get rid of those.

Jimenez glances at the knuckles and nods.

BOOKER
(chuckling)
Watch out homicide.

Booker steps away to help his team. They load Marcellus into the Ford.

MARCELLUS
Thank you… thank you…

Framed by the fire burning behind her, Jimenez removes the brass knuckles and flexes her fingers. A final breath, and she releases the last of her adrenaline.

The SOUND of a SOMETHING BEING TIGHTENED…

CUT TO:

INT. A DUNGEON-LIKE ROOM – NIGHT

A SERIES OF CLOSE SHOTS

Black gloved hands slip a leather strap through a buckle and WRENCH it tight around a man’s wrist. His fingers strain.

MAN’S EYES, terrified. A strap across his forehead pins his head down. MUFFLED, INAUDIBLE WHIMPERS. His eyes follow the DARK FIGURE moving around him.

His bare chest is constrained by a thick strap. His breathing is labored, erratic. Gloved fingers run down his chest to his stomach. It quivers from the touch.

Another strap is WRENCHED around his naked thigh, spreading his legs apart.

A IV drip hangs on a stand. The gloved hands jab an IV needle into the man’s arm.

A metal cart of surgical tools is WHEELED into position. The medieval look of them is frightening.

An overhead lamp is turned on.

A gloved hand places a needle on a vinyl record. CLASSICAL MUSIC fills the room, soft, soothing.

WIDER ANGLE

Surgery lamps stationed around the two men emphasize them in the darkness, the edges of the room barely visible.

VICTOR JAMISON, 50’s, lays strapped to a customized surgical table, naked, spread-eagle. A ball gag muffles his WHIMPERS. The DARK FIGURE sits on a stool between his legs, cloaked in black. Nothing revealed.

A gloved hand plucks a scalpel off the cart.

JAMISON’S EYES. Wide and horrified as surgery begins. He begins to SCREAM.

NEW ANGLE

From behind the dark figure, gradually pulling away, sinking the two men deeper into the darkness surrounding them until they FADE into a silent BLACK ABYSS. Jamison’s SCREAMS the last thing heard.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
A travel mug being filled with coffee
A San Francisco PD gold badge clipped to a belt
A .45 automatic clipped to the belt

Inspector JOHN POPE, 40’s, ex-military, street-smart, sport coat and tie. The gold badge and .45 are clipped to his belt. He reads the morning paper while filling his travel mug.

POPE
Let’s go, buddy. Your mom’s waiting.

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

TOMMY POPE, seven, military haircut like his dad, gallops into the common area of their condo. He’s dressed for school wearing a backpack. They meet at the door.

POPE
Got your homework?

TOMMY
Copy that.

Out the door. It LOCKS behind them.

EXT. CONDOMINIUM – MARINA DISTRICT – CONTINUOUS

MARGERY, 30’s, Pope’s ex-wife, impeccably dressed, designer sunglasses, stands beside to a Mercedes G-Class. Impatient.
Tommy runs to her. Pope walks behind sipping his coffee.

TOMMY
Hi, Mommy.

MARGERY
Hi, baby.

TOMMY
Daddy took me to get my haircut.

Margery opens the back door.

MARGERY
It looks good, baby. Climb in.

Tommy climbs into the back seat and buckles up.

TOMMY
Goodbye –

Margery shuts the door. It irritates Pope. He says nothing.

MARGERY
Jerry wants to go to Las Vegas for his birthday this weekend. Can you take Tommy?

POPE
Love to have him.

MARGERY
He has class trip to the zoo on Friday. I was slated to chaperone, but now you have the duty.
(climbing into SUV)
You can pick him up after school on Thursday.

POPE
Copy that. Have a good –

She shuts the door on him.

POPE
– trip.

She starts the car. Pope waves to Tommy as they drive off.

POPE
(walking to his car)
You never were a Monday person. Or a Tuesday person. Or a Wednesday person. Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

INT. HOMICIDE BUREAU – MAJOR CRIMES DIVISION – MORNING
The room is busy. Pope enters, nods to a few cops and makes for his desk. He shuffles through messages.

MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
Pope?

LT. ROBERT STRICKLAND, 50’s, thumbs Pope to his office.

INT. STRICKLAND’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Strickland sits down at his desk as Pope enters. Jimenez is in the corner. Pope half notices her.

STRICKLAND
I’m putting someone with you. This is Andrea Jimenez. She’s over from Narcotics.
(to Jimenez)
This is John Pope.

POPE
Are you kidding me? I don’t have time to break-in somebody new. I’m working two cases now. And I have to prep with ADA Murphy for the Davis trial.

STRICKLAND
Davis pled out this morning. The DA just called. He took the deal.

POPE
What’d he get?

STRICKLAND
Manslaughter. Second degree.

POPE
Four years for a murder?

STRICKLAND
It was complicated.

POPE
(to Jimenez)
That’s code for the DA’s a gutless political hack.

STRICKLAND
It’s blood under the bridge. And you need a new partner with Doyle putting in his papers.

POPE
That’s official?

Strickland nods. Pope is clearly disappointed by the news. He gives Jimenez the once-over.

POPE
Pope.

JIMENEZ
Jimenez. Andrea.

STRICKLAND
Good. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way. A floater washed up on Baker Beach. ME’s on scene, and she requested Major Crimes.

POPE
Baker Beach? That’s Presidio.

STRICKLAND
The chief negotiated jurisdiction. Rogers and Harper are there, but I want you to take lead.

POPE
What’s going on?

Strickland ignores the question.

STRICKLAND
Keep it off the radio. Cell phones only. And Pope? No press. Not yet.

INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

Jimenez follows Pope into the corridor.

POPE
How long were you in Narcotics?

JIMENEZ
Four years. Vice before that.

POPE
Is it true what they say about you Narcs? That you’re all on the take?

They move into an open elevator.

JIMENEZ
Oh, sure. Ask me nice, and I’ll let you ride in my Ferrari.

POPE
I’m more of a ‘Vette man.

JIMENEZ
(as the doors close)
Most of you old guys are.

CUT TO:

EXT. BAKER BEACH – PARKING LOT ENTRANCE – DAY

US Park Police patrol cars guard the entrance off the street. Two uniforms direct traffic. Local TV vans are parked off the road. Reporters and their crews getting ready.
Pope and Jimenez pull up in their Ford sedan. Pope, driving, flashes his badge. The uniform waves them through.

EXT. BAKER BEACH – PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS

Patrol cars, crime scene vans, emergency vehicles everywhere. The Ford circles the lot and parks.

AT THE PATH
Two uniforms guard the path to the beach. One writes names on a roster. Pope and Jimenez badge them and head down the path.

POPE
Ever dealt with a floater?

JIMENEZ
Not since my patrol days.

POPE
Well, don’t worry. The stench is still worse than the sight.

EXT. BAKER BEACH – THE CRIME SCENE – CONTINUOUS

A group hovers around a lump in the sand covered by a sheet. Inspectors MIKE ROGERS, short and squat, and DON HARPER, tall an lean. Old-timers, experienced; SIMON CHADWICK, forensics, young, nerdy; LESLIE CHANG, the ME, 40’s, very attractive.
The Golden Gate Bridge looms in the b.g.

ROGERS
(spying Pope)
Here they come.

Rogers and Harper detach from the group and join Pope and Jimenez as they approach.

ROGERS
Our saviors finally cometh.

POPE
Morning, boys. Inspector Jimenez, my new partner. These two dinosaurs are Inspectors Harper and Rogers.

HARPER
Narcotics, right? You ran with Jim Booker and his team. You took down the Marcellus crew.

JIMENEZ
We had some luck.

ROGERS
Welcome to homicide.

POPE
What have we got?

HARPER
We’ve got a problem, that’s what we’ve got.

POPE
What sort of problem?

Rogers and Harper exchange concerned looks.

HARPER
It’s Victor Jamison.

POPE
You’re shitting me?

ROGERS
Criminal defense attorney to the rich and infamous. One thousand dollars an hour.

HARPER
We ran prints through AFIS. They came back positive. It’s him.

POPE
What did he do? Take a header off the bridge?

ROGERS
It’s not a floater. It’s a dump.

POPE
Killed in our backyard and dumped here. Great.

ROGERS
Why does the chief want this? Park Service caught the case. Let them call the Feds in to investigate.

POPE
Jamison and the department have a history. The chief wants to control the politics.
(gloving up)
Let’s have a look.

The sheet is pulled back revealing Victor Jamison’s naked upper body. Pale-white. Eyes open. Signs of putrefaction.

POPE
Son of a bitch. Hello, Victor.

HARPER
This case just went political.

ROGERS
And our suspect list is the phone book.

JIMENEZ
Including cops.

END 10 PAGES

</div>

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

ScreenwritingU

Day 4: Key Business Decisions in Your Script

What I learned during this assignment: To strengthen the concept and narrow its focus. To better define the character motivation and deepen the arcs to strengthen the story.

I wrote this first draft as a “Harry Callahan” spec script to set the tone and learn how to write for a specific star. In future drafts, I intend to change the characters to improve their motivations, create greater conflict and heighten the intensity of the story.

Genre: Thriller/Crime

Title: Harry Callahan

Tagline: Some cops never retire.

Concept: When a serial killer returns from a twenty-year hibernation, retired San Francisco cop, Harry Callahan, is given one last chance to rectify a past wrong and avenge the forgotten victims.

Audience: Male over 25; Female over 25

Budget: $40 million

Lead Characters:

Harry Callahan, a once tough as nails cop, is now enjoying retirement.

Andrea Jimenez, a recent transfer from narcotic to homicide, is eager to prove herself to her new department.

Journey/Character Arc

Harry Callahan, retired and at peace with his past, is unwillingly forced back into a violent game of cat and mouse with a serial killer bent on vengeance and infamy.

Andrea Jimenez, assigned a partner more concerned with celebrity and politics, must break the rules and seek the help of a retire cop to capture her quarry.

Opening: Pursuing drug dealers, Jimenez becomes separated from her partners when she jumps through a car file into a dark, warehouse alley, chasing after a man who will do anything to escape, even if it means killing a cop.

Following scene: In the dungeon lair of the serial killer, a man is stripped naked and strapped to an operating table in preparation for a horrific surgery performed against his will.

Ending: Drugged and wounded, Jimenez escapes from the killer’s lair and is hunted along the foggy cliffs of the San Francisco coastline, pursued by both killer and Callahan.

[Dana Abbott]

What did I learn? I chose one of the most complicated thrillers (LA Confidential) to analyze. There are no wasted scenes in thriller. The intricacy of character, dialogue and plot are interwoven through every scene, often so subtle that they’re not noticed until the climax. Screenwriting is painting a picture that doesn’t get fully revealed until the last stroke of the brush.

GENRE: THRILLER/CRIME
TITLE: LA CONFIDENTIAL

PURPOSE: Explore the lives of three detectives in 1950’s Los Angeles as they wind through the maze of police and pollical corruption to solve the massacre at a downtown coffee shop.

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS: Acts of racial violence threatens their careers and places the detectives in conflict with each other as they each try to solve the murders of the coffee shop patrons, including one of their own.

MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE: The solution to the coffee shop murders is a cover-up. To solve it, they must go against the department narrative and risk their lives to expose the truth and the mastermind behind it.

HEROES: Unknowing and unwitting, they help in the original cover-up. But use all their resourcefulness to reveal the truth.

VILLAIN: Revealing himself in the final acts, he proves he will destroy anyone, including his own, to get what he wants.

MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, shock, tension.

OUTLINE:

1) Act I – Ordinary World

a. Sid Hutchens, publisher of Hush-Hush magazine, narrates over a montage of movie clips. LA in the 1950’s. Booming post war economy. Hollywood glamour. Organize Crime and gangster Mickey Cohen living the high life. Then one day, Mickey’s arrested by the Feds for non-payment of income taxes leaving the city open for the taking. And with a simple question, the premise/ mystery of the film is established: “Who will fill the void in LA with Mickey Cohen gone?”

b. Officer Bud White, out on a booze run for a police Christmas party with his partner, Dick Stensland, checks up on a parolee and finds him beating his wife. While his partner sits in the back seat drinking, White brutally beats the parolee, displaying his violent brand of street justice.

c. Jack Vincennes, a narcotics detective, and the technical adviser for a TV crime show, dances with a young actress at a Hollywood cast party. He’s polished, suave and enjoys the limelight. He bumps into Sid Hutchens at the party who asks Vincennes for a favor. Arrest two young actors at a motel for possession of marijuana to help increase sales of Hush-Hush magazine. Vincennes agrees for a price plus coverage for himself, revealing the sleazy side of his character.

d. Sgt. Ed Exley has been assigned watch commander at the precinct on Christmas Eve. In an interview with a local reporter, he speaks of his late father and his own expectations as a police officer. In talking with Captain Dudley Smith, Exley reveals his ambitions to be a detective. But when asked if he’d plant evidence, beat or shoot suspects, Exley says he won’t be like his father. He intends to be an honest cop.

e. Buying booze at a liquor store, Bud White meets a beautiful woman, Lynn Bracken. He has an instant attraction to her, but she rebuffs him, knowing instantly that he’s a cop. Outside, Bud approaches another woman in a car that he believes has been beaten. He confronts the man with her and is immediately assailed by the driver, Buzz Meeks. Bud quickly dispatches him, taking his revolver, and inquires again about the woman, Susan Lefferts, who says she’s fine. When Lynn approaches, she explains that it’s not White thinks, revealing that she’s with the group in the car. Stensland also admits to knowing Buzz Meeks, an ex-cop.

f. Vincennes busts the two young actors at a motel with Hutchens filming the entire event with a camera crew and extra cops. In the motel room, Vincennes pockets the marijuana for himself and finds a business card for an agency called Fluer-de-Lis.

g. INCITING INCIDENT: White and Stensland arrive back at the precinct with the liquor. Vincennes is booking his prisoners when police bring in several Mexican suspects believed to have beaten cops. In a drunken rage, and ignoring Exley’s orders, Stensland leads a group of vigilante cops to the holding cells where he brutally beats the Mexican prisoners. White intercedes to stop his partner but gets caught up in the violence. And Vincennes gets involved when a prisoner lands on him. The cell block explodes. The reporter that interviewed Exley snaps a quick photo of the violence.

h. White, Exley and Vincennes are brought before a department disciplinary meeting with the DA, the Chief and Captain Smith. They are all asked to testify. White refuses to rat on his partner or anyone else and is shocked when dismissed. Exley agrees to testify, but for a price, revealing his own political ambitions. Vincennes refused, but then reluctantly agrees when his celebrity is threatened.

i. When Vincennes and Exley arrive to testify, Exley is warned that White will get him no matter how long it takes reinforcing the hatred between the two men.

j. White is reinstated into homicide by Captain Smith but not to investigate murder. He’s strictly muscle working exclusively for Smith. They brutalize mobsters at an abandoned motel called the Victory Motel, threatening them into leaving town.

k. In the meantime, Mickey Cohen’s lieutenants are systematically killed by two-man hit teams (not identified) and a satchel of heroin with high street value is stolen.

l. Off suspension, Vincennes joins the vice squad investigating high-end porn. Vincennes is stunned when he matches the Fluer-de-Liz card he found to the logo on the porn folder and begins to investigate.

m. Stensland is fired from the police force as the department scapegoat. White walks him out, and Stensland tells his partner not to worry. He has something confidential in the works. Very Hush-Hush.

n. PLOT POINT 1: Exley, now a lieutenant detective, takes a homicide call and finds a massacre at the Nite Owl coffee shop. Dudley soon arrives and takes the investigation away from Exley but makes him second in command. A moment later, they learn Dick Stensland is one of the victims. PLOT TWIST

2) Act II – Tests, Allies and Enemies

a. At the viewing, a woman barely recognizes her daughter, Susan Lefferts, one of the murder victims. Bud White remembers her from Christmas Eve when he met Lynn Bracken.

b. At the police briefing the next morning, Captain Smith steers the detective squad toward three black suspects based on sketchy eyewitness evidence and DMV records. White, deciding to conduct his own investigation, heads off to find Pierce Patchett, the man he saw with Susan Lefferts. Vincennes and Exley team up and follow a lead to find a snitch who may know the Nite Owl shooters’ address.

c. Finding Pierce Patchett, White learns that Lefferts and Bracken are prostitutes working for Patchett, and that Lefferts had been surgery enhanced to look like a movie star the night they all met. He also learns that Buzz Meeks, Patchett’s driver and bodyguard, no longer works for Patchett. White questions Bracken next, and she confirms everything Patchett told him. And White soon finds himself falling for her.

d. Vincennes and Exley question an informant who gives up an address of a local thug. When they arrive at the address, they’re stunned find two of Dudley’s detectives have beaten them there. They also find the murder weapons and shells in the suspects’ car. The four men agree to work as a team, and when they kick the door, the detectives try to shoot the suspects, but Exley thwarts them. The two detectives seem very anxious.

e. The next day, Exley conducts the interrogation with cunning skill. He gets one of the suspects to rat on his friends regarding drugs, but nothing about the murders. Crying hysterically, the youngest and weakest suspect admits to the kidnapping and rape of a woman held hostage. This enrages White, and he bursts into last interrogation room and puts a gun in the third suspects mouth demanding an address.

f. Police descend the house. White enters first and finds a young Mexican woman tied to a bed, beaten and raped. Bud finds her rapist watching TV and shoots him dead, planting a gun to justify the shooting. When Exley tries to question the victim, White pulls him off and sends the ambulance to the hospital. The two men get into a heated exchange. In the aftermath, it’s reported that the Nite Owl suspects have escaped custody.

g. Exley reviews the interrogation notes and learns the address where the suspects bought drugs. Exley grabs Carlisle, one of the detectives at the initial arrest, and they head off to find the drug dealer’s address.

h. MIDPOINT CLIMAX: Arriving at an apartment, shotguns ready, they kick the door. The suspects are inside with their drug dealer. When a bottle is accidently knocked to the floor, Carlisle shoots the youngest suspect, and all hell breaks loose. The drug dealer shoots Carlisle, who is shot by Exley. One of the suspects grabs a revolver and is gunned down by Exley. The last suspect tries to flee, but Exley shoves his shotgun through the closing door of the elevator and fires.

i. MIDPOINT: Returning to the station, bloody and in shock, Exley is greeted as a hero by the other detectives who once shunned him and receives an accommodation by the department. Vincennes returns to narcotics and to the set of the crime show. Pierce Patchett begins construction of a freeway after blackmailing a city councilman. And White resumes his muscle job beating mobsters for Smith but soon begins to obsess about Lynn Bracken and eventually begins a love affair with her.

j. At a campaign rally for the DA, Vincennes is approached by Hutchens with a job offer to setup the DA for blackmail using Matt Reynolds, the young actor Vincennes arrested on Christmas Eve. Looking for a little payback, Vincennes agrees. In meeting Vincennes, Reynolds thinks he recognizes Vincennes Fluer-de-Liz parties and drops Pierce Patchett’s name by accident. Before Vincennes can learn more, Hutchens sends Reynolds off to setup the DA. After a glass of whiskey at a bar and a bout with his conscience, Vincennes decides to stop Reynolds. But when he arrives at the motel, he finds Reynolds dead with his throat slit. Staring at Reynolds, who is staring back, Vincennes has an epiphany, that all the sleazy deals he’s committed over his career have led to this boy’s murder.

k. The next day, wheeling the rape victim out of the hospital, Exley learns that she lied in her statement about the suspects to get vengeance. Shocked, Exley begins to question whether the Nite Owl suspects killed Stensland and the other victims.

l. Deeply involved with Lynn Bracken, White tells her about his suspicions regarding the Nite Owl killings but is frustrated that he’s not smart enough to solve them. Encouraged by Lynn, he decides to conduct his own investigation, and after studying the crime scene photos, he realizes Stensland and Susan Lefferts were sitting together at the Nite Owl. He questions Mrs. Lefferts to confirm his suspicions about his partner and discovers Buzz Meeks’ body under the house.

m. In his office, staring at his Medal of Valor, Exley sits quietly wondering if his ambition got in the way of his judgement. He decides to review the investigation, and speaking to the coroner, learns that Bud White has been asking questions, too. Suspicion of White, Exley pursues him and finds Meeks’ body under the Lefferts’ home. He brings the remains to the coroner demanding an ID and to keep it confidential.

n. At his desk, Vincennes anguishes over the murder of Matt Reynolds. When Exley enters and asks for help to reinvestigate the Nite Owl killings, Vincennes it too demoralized. In this moment, both men question the reasons why they became cops and realize they’re not the cops they intended to be. Reenergized, Vincennes agrees to help Exley follow White if Exley agrees to investigate the murder of Reynolds.

o. Vincennes follows White only to find him with Johnny Stompanato, Mickey Cohen’s bodyguard. After some gripping coercion by White, Stompanato explains the rumors that Meeks was trying to sell the stolen heroin before he disappeared. White suspects Meeks was killed over it.

p. Vincennes and Exley find White at Lynn Bracken’s home. Vincennes realizes Bracken is one of Patchett’s prostitutes and that the two cases are linked. They decide to press Patchett but learn nothing. Leaving his home, the call comes in that the coroner has identified Meeks’ body, and they split up and decide to meet later.

q. Having spoken to the corner, Vincennes searches old arrest records and discovers the connection between Meeks, Stensland, Patchett and Dudley Smith. In the meantime, Exley tries to question Bracken who seduces him with Hutchens taking photographs from another room.

r. Growing impatient waiting for Exley at his favorite bar, Vincennes leaves and goes to speak with Dudley Smith. Vincennes reveals his investigation with Exley and exposes Smith’s connection to Stensland, Meeks and Patchett. When Smith learns Vincennes has not yet spoken to Exley, he pulls a pistol and shoots Vincennes, revealing he’s the mastermind behind the Nite Owl murders. VILLAIN. Committed to destroying anyone who gets in his way.

s. Following the next day’s briefing about Vincennes’ murder, Dudley speaks to Exley and unwittingly reveals himself to be Vincennes’ killer by mentioning a conversation only known to Exley and Vincennes.

t. White, still searching for Cohen’s stolen heroin, is confronted by Smith and told that he needs White’s help interrogating an informant to the Vincennes killing: Sid Hutchens. At the Victory Motel, Hutchens is beaten into confessing that Patchett had him photograph Exley and Bracken having sex to deliberately enrage White. Discovering the photos in Hutchens’ car, White charges off races to kill Exley. Dudley then kills Hutchens, cleaning up his tracks.

u. White confronts Bracken to confirm Hutchens’ story. Enraged, he finds Exley reviewing arrest records. Exley has discovered the same connection between Meeks, Stensland and Dudley Smith that Vincennes found. When White shows Exley the photos of him and Bracken, he fears for his life and tries to explain Dudley’s plot. But White isn’t listening. He tries to kill Exley, throwing him around the room. But somewhere during his rage, White realizes Dudley is using him and vents his remaining rage by throwing a chair through a window. In the calm, Exley and White realize the black suspects were not involved in the Nite Owl killings, that they were picket by Dudley to take the fall. And that Stensland and Meeks were killed for the heroin.

3) Act III – The Final Push

a. Working together, Exley and White question the DA about the death of Matt Reynolds. The DA admits that Patchett and Dudley are taking over Mickey Cohen’s rackets and that he couldn’t do anything because they were blackmailing him.

b. Exley and White go to question Patchett and find him dead, forced suicide. Realizing Lynn Bracken is next, they race to her house, but the Sheriff already has her safe. They split up. Exley talks to Lynn. White goes to confront Hutchens only to find him dead in his office. A message comes through for White, supposedly from Exley, asking White to meet him at the Victory Motel.

4) CLIMAX

a. Exley and White meet at the motel believing the other left the message to meet there. By the time they realize it’s a trap, Dudley and his men are surrounding the motel. They barricade themselves inside a room and prepare for the shootout. SUSPENSE

b. A fierce gun battle begins. White and Exley kill Dudley’s detectives one by one until they are confronted at the very last by Dudley himself. White throws Exley out of the way to save him as Dudley opens fire. White goes down, believed dead. Dudley stands over Exley, preparing to kill him when White plunges a knife into Dudley’s leg. Dudley shoots White again, but Exley gets the drop, grabbing up a shotgun. He hesitates shooting Dudley, who thinks Exley is playing politician again. Dudley promises to help further Exley’s career. But outside, Exley shoots Dudley in the back and then holds up his badge to ID himself as a cop to the approaching police cars.

5) RESOLUTION

a. In the interrogation room, Exley explains the whole scenario to a pair of detectives. The DA, Chief of Police and a room full of brass watch the interrogation, worried more about the department’s reputation. The DA suggests the idea that Smith died a hero to save the department. Exley begins to smile, knowing they will need more than one.

b. Final scene: Exley receives another accommodation. He spies Lynn Bracken in the back of the room and walks out with her. In Lynn’s car, White is bandaged and recovering from his wounds. They’re leaving together, heading to Arizona. Exley and White finally shake hands, and when Lynn drives away, the two men share one final goodbye.
__________________

GENRE; THRILLER/SUSPENSE
TITLE: THE SIXTH SENSE

PURPOSE: A frightened and isolated boy who sees dead people seeks the help of a once successful child psychologist to help alleviate his fear.

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS: Shot by his patient, the psychologist seek to rectify his failure to help an old patient by curing the boy’s pathology.

Someone is physically harming the boy, and when he finally reveals his secret to the psychologist, the dead seek him out, enraged, looking for someone to harm.

MYSTERY/INTIRGUE/SUSPENSE: Why are the dead seeking out this boy? What do they want from him that only he can solve?

HEROS: The boy, unknowing, in fear for his life. The psychology, desperate to help, but failing.

VILLIAN: The boy’s fear, unrelenting, overwhelming him. The new man attracted to the psychologist’s wife, threatening the relationship.

MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, surprise.

OUTLINE:

1) Act I – The real world

a. OPENING: A light in a basement room clicks on. Anna Crowe trots downstairs attired for an evening out. She selects a bottle of wine from the cellar and while reading the label, a cold, uneasy anxiety comes over her and she flees the cold basement.

b. Anna and her husband, Malcom Crowe, share the wine in front of a fire as she reads an award honoring Malcom for his work as a child psychologist. She makes a comment that the world comes second to his work, including her. They head upstairs to bed.

c. INCITING INCIDENT: In the bedroom, Anna discovers the glass from a broken window overturned phone. Someone has broken in. A young man, Vincent Grey, suddenly appears from the bathroom, naked and traumatized. He screams at Malcom for failing him, and Malcom recognizes him as a former patient. Crying, Vincent says he doesn’t want to be afraid anymore. But before Malcomb offers to help him, Vincent shoots Malcom and then commits suicide.

d. The next fall, Malcom sits on a bench going over notes. A door opens and a very young boy steps out preparing to walk to school. Malcom refers to his notes. The boy is Cole Sear. From the notes we learn his age, divorced parents, anxiety, mood swings. When Malcom looks up, Cole is gone, running to school.

e. Malcom catches up to Cole, following from across the street. Cole is walking fast, then running. Malcom has a hard time keeping pace. When Cole runs into a church, Malcom is perplexed.

f. Malcom finds Cole sitting in a pew playing with toy soldiers and reciting Latin. Malcom introduces himself. It’s their first meeting. Malcom apologizes for being late and missing their appointment. Malcom explains that people used high in churches, suggesting Cole has come to the church to hide. Malcom notes scratches on Cole’s wrist. Cole asks if Malcom is a good doctor. Malcom tells him that he used to be. It’s a brief meeting. and when Cole leaves, he asks Malcom if he’s going to see Malcom again. Malcom says yes, then watches as Cole steals a small religious figurine on his way out.

g. Malcom returns home to find his wife has already eaten, a dinner for one, and that she has gone to bed. Malcom’s sits beside her, reflecting how his work is affecting their marriage. He heads to his basement office finds the door locked. He searches his pocket for his keys. A moment later, he’s sitting as his desk writing notes in his journal, translating the Latin he heard Cole speaking. Out of the depths, I cry to you O’ Lord.

h. Next day, Lynn Sear, Cole’s mother, gets ready for work. When she enters the kitchen, she finds cupboards open. Cole sits down at the table, and Lynn then steps out to clean a spot form his clip-on tie. When she returns, every cupboard and drawer is wide open, startling her. Cole is sitting with his hands flat on the table. Frustrated, believing Cole responsible, she asks Cole what he was looking for. Pop Tarts. Cole worries his mother is thinking bad things about him. She reassures him not true. Cole heads off to school, and after he leaves, she notes the water from Cole’s handprints slowly evaporating.

i. From a window, Lynn watches Cole and a friend, Tommy, head off to school. But when the boys are out of sight, they split up. They’re not friends. Tommy calls Cole “Freak.”

j. The bell rings at school. Children run inside. Cole stands alone outside, the very last student, afraid to step into the school. Finally, he forces himself to walk in.

k. Refusal of the call: Cole returns home to find his mother and Malcom sitting together in the living room. Lynn greets Cole. She tells him that he can tell her things of he needs to, but he stays quiet. Then they makeup stories about their days to make each other feel better.

l. When she leaves to get dinner, Malcom tries to connect with Cole, playing a mind game. He doesn’t think Malcom can help him. He’s worried about what his mother thinks. He has a secret but can’t tell anybody. He got in trouble for drawing violent images. But as close at Malcom gets, Cole pulls away, telling Malcom he can’t help him.

m. Malcom meets Anna at the restaurant where they got engaged. Malcom is late, and Anna has already eaten again. He apologizes that he loses track of time and tries to explain to her about Cole. She seems not to care. When he reaches for the check, she pulls it way and pays. Upset, she tell him Happy Anniversary and leaves.

n. Malcom walks Cole to school the next day. Cole tells Malcom not to stare at him. He is also afraid his mother will think he’s a freak, so he doesn’t tell her things. Malcom tells Cole he’s not a freak.

o. At home, Lynn turns up the thermostat. She glances at a wall of family photographs. Studying the photos of Cole, she notes a glowing light hovering near Cole in every photo. It seems like something almost spiritual.

p. Malcom and Cole have a session in the living room. As they speak, we see Lynn cleaning Cole’s room. Malcom asks if Cole has ever written his thoughts down. Free association. Cole says yes. Lynn finds the pages in Cole’s room. The writing is violent and frightening. Cole calls them upset words.

q. PLOT POINT 1: When Malcom prepares to leave, he asks Cole to think about the goals of his session. What he wants. Cole responds: Not to be scared anymore. The words from Vincent Grey.

2) Act II – Tests, Allies and Enemies

a. In his office, Malcom reviews Cole’s case and the possibility of self-inflicted wounds. He hears a knock at the door. Anna opens the door. It’s her assistant from her antique store (new character). Malcom listens to the conversation as the man invites her to a flea market just to get out. Anna politely thanks him but refuses. From the basement window, Malcom watches him leave, angry.

b. Cole sits bored as his desk when the teacher (new character) asks the class if they know the history of the school. Cole raises his hand and tells everyone that they used to hang people in the old days, whole families. The teacher, stunned, tries to convince Cole he’s wrong. Cole persists, freaking out by the teacher staring at him. Covering his eyes, Cole begins to yell “Stuttering Stanley” at the teacher until the teacher slams his hand down and calls him a “freak.”

c. Cole sits alone in the library, expelled from class. Kids are playing outside. Malcom joins him, but Cole doesn’t want to talk. Malcom shows him a magic trick with a penny. Cole is unimpressed.

d. Malcom returns home to find his wedding video playing on TV. He watches, reminiscing for a moment. Upstairs, he watches Anna in the shower, until he notices her bottle of Zoloft for depression in the medicine cabinet.

e. Malcom heads downstairs to his office. Finding the door locked again, he searches his pockets for the key.

f. At a kid’s birthday party, Cole plays Malcom’s magic trick on another boy who finds it stupid. Cole is trying to fit it, but still finds himself outside. Cole watches a balloon float upstairs and decides to follow it. Near the top, he hears the voice of a man coming from a small closet, pleading, demanding to be let out even though the door is open. Cole stops dead. Tommy and another boy spy Cole on the stairs and decide to have a little fun. They throw Cole into the closet and slam the door. Cole screams and screams. Something is attacking him inside the closet. Lynn races upstairs, hysterical to open the locked door. Cole’s screaming stops someone inside unlocks the door. Cole falls into Lynn’s arms, unconscious.

g. At the hospital, the doctor talking to Lynn discusses the wounds on Cole and suggests Lynn is abusing her son. Listening, Malcom can’t believe it.

h. MIDPONT CLIMAX: Malcom enters Cole’s hospital room. The boy is resting. Cole asks Malcom why he’s sad. Malcom confides that he made a mistake with a patient, Vincent, and that he’s not the same person. Everything is different. His wife doesn’t like the man he’s become. He thinks if he can help Cole, it would be like helping Vincent. Cole then decides to tell his secret to Malcom: He sees dead people. But once outside, Malcom records his diagnosis. Paranoia and schizophrenic. He doesn’t believe Cole sees dead people. Malcom fears he’s not helping Cole.

i. Home from the hospital, Lynn puts Cole to bed. She notices tears in his sweater and finds small wounds on his back. Enraged, she calls the parents and warns them to keep their kids to away from her son.

j. Middle of the night, Cole peeks out from his bedroom. He must go to the bathroom but is obviously frightened to make the trip. Unable to hold it, he waddles to the bathroom. The temperature on a wall thermostat drops. The house gets cold. Cole’s sees breath. Standing at the toilet, his back to the door, someone walks past him down the hall. Frightened, Cole follows into the kitchen. All the cupboards and drawers are open (like before) and a woman in a bathrobe stands at the counter. She spins to Cole, an abused wife, and starts yelling at Cole as if yelling at her abusive husband. She reveals her slit writs. Cole runs to his room and dives into a makeshift tent where he hides form the ghosts surrounded by religious figurines.

k. After a school play, walking the halls, Malcom notices Cole has stopped dead in his tracks a few feet back. Malcom drops down to a knee to face Cole and ask why, Cole shifts his focus up the stairs. A man, woman, and their child hang from the rafters. He tells Malcom what he sees, but Malcom tells him there’s nothing there. Cole asks Malcom to make them go away. Malcom responds, “I’m working on it.”

l. Having dinner at home, Cole and Lynn are wrapped up due to the cold. Lynn askes Cole if he keeps taking a pendant from her dresser. When he insists that he didn’t, she gets mad and sends him to his room. But before he gets there, another ghost, a young boy, invites Cole into the bedroom to see his dad’s gun. When he turns around, Cole sees the gunshot wound in the back of his head. He runs to his mother, asking to sleep in her bed. Falling into her arms shivering from fear, she begs him to tell her what’s wrong. He still cannot tell her his secret.

m. At her antique store, Anna waits on a young couple buying an engagement ring. She explains to them how things passed down possess their own spirit. She then presents her assistant with a birthday gift. As they embrace, they get very close, romantic. The glass in their front door suddenly shatters. When they run outside to find the person, Malcom is storming away, having seen them.

n. At their next meeting, Malcom informs Cole that he can’t be his doctor anymore. He hasn’t paid enough attention to his family. Cole pleads with him not go give up. He’s the only one who can help. Cole asked Malcom if he believes his secret, but Malcom doesn’t know how to answer. Cole gives the penny from the magic trick back to Malcom, telling him, “If you don’t believe me, how can you me.”

o. In his basement, Malcom begins to remember things Vincent said about being scared. He reviews old session tapes with Vincent as a boy. On the tape, we hear Malcom leave the room and the voice of a man starts speaking Spanish to Vincent. Malcom suddenly realizes Cole is telling the truth.

p. Malcom finds Cole at the church and tell him what happened. He askes Cole what the ghosts want. Cole says they want his help. Malcom agrees and thinks Cole can make them go away if he just listens to them. But what if they’re just angry and want to hurt somebody? Malcom doesn’t have the answer.

q. Walking home, Malcom spies Anna’s assistant leaving their home. But when he tries to confront the man, he takes off in his car.

r. Cole wakes up hearing his mother having a bad dream. He goes to her side to comfort her, and when she falls asleep, he returns to his room. The room is suddenly cold, and seeing his breath, Cole dives into his tent. Someone starts breaking into the tent, and a young girl, Kyra is suddenly there, sick and vomiting. Cole bolts to the living room to hide. Remembering Malcom’s advice, he returns to his room to ask the girl what she wants?

s. Cole takes a bus ride with Malcom to the girls home on the day of her funeral. Family and friends are gathering. As they walk through the house, the mourners speak of the girl. She was sick for two years. Nobody knows why. She had several doctors. And now the younger sister is taking ill.

t. Upstairs, Cole enters in the girl’s room alone. He looks around. Homemade videotapes. Lots of dolls and puppets. The girl suddenly grabs him from under the bed, and he falls in front of her. She’s almost hiding. She pushes a small box to him.

u. Downstairs, Cole carries the box through the mourners, passing the mother, who’s in red. A stark contrast to the other mourners in black. Cole presents the box to the girls grieving father and tells him that she wanted him to have what’s inside. A videotape. When the videotape is played, it reveals the mother was poisoning in the daughter’s soup, killing her daughter, a case of Munchhausen syndrome by proxy.

v. In the front yard, on the swings, Cole hands the younger sister a doll. He tells her Kyra wanted her to have it. Kyra knew it was her sister’s favorite.

3) Act III – The Final Push

a. At school, the teacher walks into a back room with Cole’s props for a play. The woman talking to Cole tells him to hurry and leaves. The teacher asks Cole who he was talking to. The woman turns, revealing severe burns. Another ghost. Cole says he was just practicing lines. preparing for the play.

b. On stage, Cole is the lead actor int the play, portraying King Arthur, pulling the sword from the stone. Triumphant. Malcom is in the audience watching. The children on stage stumble and fall in a heap, landing on one another. Cole lays in the center, laughing, finally accepted.

c. In the hallway after the play, Malcom and Cole realize their time with each other is over. But before Malcom leaves, Cole gives him advise. Talk to his wife while she’s sleeping, that way she’ll hear him. They say their goodbyes.

d. Parked at the scene of an accident, Cole decides to confess his secret to his mother. He tells her that a someone died in the accident. A lady. And that’s she standing next to his window. Another ghost, bloody, in a bicycle outfit, stand outside the car. He reveals to her that he sees ghosts. Lynn doesn’t believe him. Cole then tells her grandma says Hi and that she’s sorry for taking the bumble bee pendant. When Lynn, admonishes him, he tells her that grandma saw her dance, hiding in the back at Lynn’s dance recital. This is something Lynn never thought her mother witnessed. Cole tells Lynn the answer to a question she asks her mother, a question only Lynn would know. In tears, Lynn accepts the truth about Cole.

e. CLIMAX: Malcom returns home to find Anna asleep with the wedding videos playing again. When he speaks to her, Anna’s hand falls and drops Malcom’s wedding ring to the floor. Malcom suddenly realizes he hasn’t been wearing it. Everything Cole said about the ghosts floods back.

i. They don’t know they’re dead.

ii. They only see what they want to see

f. Malcom begins to realize he’d dead. The basement door isn’t locked. It’s blocked by a table. He sees the wound in his stomach. Touches the blood on his back. We cut back to the night Vincent Grey shoots Malcom. Anna is panicked, rolls him on his side. She sees the wound, blood pooling under him. On his side, Malcom slowly dies, almost in peace.

g. In the living room, Malcom comes to grips that he’s dead and understands why he had to return. With Cole’s help, he had to rectify why he failed to help Vincent. And taking Cole’s advice, he speak to Anna while she sleeps, telling her she was never second and that he loves her. She can now move on with her life, and he if free to leave the living.

[Dana Abbott]

What did I learn? I chose one of the most complicated thrillers (LA Confidential) to analyze. There are no wasted scenes in thrillers. The intricacy of character, dialogue and plot are interwoven through every scene, often so subtle that they’re not noticed until the climax. Screenwriting is painting a picture that doesn’t get fully revealed until the last stroke of the brush.

GENRE: THRILLER/CRIME
TITLE: LA CONFIDENTIAL

PURPOSE: Explore the lives of three detectives in 1950’s Los Angeles as they wind through the maze of police and political corruption to solve the massacre at a downtown coffee shop.

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS: Acts of racial violence threatens their careers and places the detectives in conflict with each other as they each try to solve the murders of the coffee shop patrons, including one of their own.

MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE: The solution to the coffee shop murders is a cover-up. To solve it, they must go against the department narrative and risk their lives to expose the truth and the mastermind behind it.

HEROES: Unknowing and unwitting, they help in the original cover-up. But use all their resourcefulness to reveal the truth.

VILLAIN: Revealing himself in the final acts, he proves he will destroy anyone, including his own, to get what he wants.

MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, shock, tension.

OUTLINE: LA CONFIDENTIAL

1) Act I – Ordinary World

a. Sid Hutchens, publisher of Hush-Hush magazine, narrates over a montage of movie clips. LA in the 1950’s. Booming post war economy. Hollywood glamour. Organize Crime and gangster Mickey Cohen living the high life. Then one day, Mickey’s arrested by the Feds for non-payment of income taxes leaving the city open for the taking. And with a simple question, the premise/ mystery of the film is established: “Who will fill the void in LA with Mickey Cohen gone?”

b. Officer Bud White, out on a booze run for a police Christmas party with his partner, Dick Stensland, checks up on a parolee and finds him beating his wife. While his partner sits in the back seat drinking, White brutally beats the parolee, displaying his violent brand of street justice.

c. Jack Vincennes, a narcotics detective, and the technical adviser for a TV crime show, dances with a young actress at a Hollywood cast party. He’s polished, suave and enjoys the limelight. He bumps into Sid Hutchens at the party who asks Vincennes for a favor. Arrest two young actors at a motel for possession of marijuana to help increase sales of Hush-Hush magazine. Vincennes agrees for a price plus coverage for himself, revealing the sleazy side of his character.

d. Sgt. Ed Exley has been assigned watch commander at the precinct on Christmas Eve. In an interview with a local reporter, he speaks of his late father and his own expectations as a police officer. In talking with Captain Dudley Smith, Exley reveals his ambitions to be a detective. But when asked if he’d plant evidence, beat or shoot suspects, Exley says he won’t be like his father. He intends to be an honest cop.

e. Buying booze at a liquor store, Bud White meets a beautiful woman, Lynn Bracken. He has an instant attraction to her, but she rebuffs him, knowing instantly that he’s a cop. Outside, Bud approaches another woman in a car that he believes has been beaten. He confronts the man with her and is immediately assailed by the driver, Buzz Meeks. Bud quickly dispatches him, taking his revolver, and inquires again about the woman, Susan Lefferts, who says she’s fine. When Lynn approaches, she explains that it’s not White thinks, revealing that she’s with the group in the car. Stensland also admits to knowing Buzz Meeks, an ex-cop.

f. Vincennes busts the two young actors at a motel with Hutchens filming the entire event with a camera crew and extra cops. In the motel room, Vincennes pockets the marijuana for himself and finds a business card for an agency called Fluer-de-Lis.

g. INCITING INCIDENT: White and Stensland arrive back at the precinct with the liquor. Vincennes is booking his prisoners when police bring in several Mexican suspects believed to have beaten cops. In a drunken rage, and ignoring Exley’s orders, Stensland leads a group of vigilante cops to the holding cells where he brutally beats the Mexican prisoners. White intercedes to stop his partner but gets caught up in the violence. And Vincennes gets involved when a prisoner lands on him. The cell block explodes. The reporter that interviewed Exley snaps a quick photo of the violence.

h. White, Exley and Vincennes are brought before a department disciplinary meeting with the DA, the Chief and Captain Smith. They are all asked to testify. White refuses to rat on his partner or anyone else and is shocked when dismissed. Exley agrees to testify, but for a price, revealing his own political ambitions. Vincennes refused, but then reluctantly agrees when his celebrity is threatened.

i. When Vincennes and Exley arrive to testify, Exley is warned that White will get him no matter how long it takes reinforcing the hatred between the two men.

j. White is reinstated into homicide by Captain Smith but not to investigate murder. He’s strictly muscle working exclusively for Smith. They brutalize mobsters at an abandoned motel called the Victory Motel, threatening them into leaving town.

k. In the meantime, Mickey Cohen’s lieutenants are systematically killed by two-man hit teams (not identified) and a satchel of heroin with high street value is stolen.

l. Off suspension, Vincennes joins the vice squad investigating high-end porn. Vincennes is stunned when he matches the Fluer-de-Liz card he found to the logo on the porn folder and begins to investigate.

m. Stensland is fired from the police force as the department scapegoat. White walks him out, and Stensland tells his partner not to worry. He has something confidential in the works. Very Hush-Hush.

n. PLOT POINT 1: Exley, now a lieutenant detective, takes a homicide call and finds a massacre at the Nite Owl coffee shop. Dudley soon arrives and takes the investigation away from Exley but makes him second in command. A moment later, they learn Dick Stensland is one of the victims. PLOT TWIST

2) Act II – Tests, Allies and Enemies

a. At the viewing, a woman barely recognizes her daughter, Susan Lefferts, one of the murder victims. Bud White remembers her from Christmas Eve when he met Lynn Bracken.

b. At the police briefing the next morning, Captain Smith steers the detective squad toward three black suspects based on sketchy eyewitness evidence and DMV records. White, deciding to conduct his own investigation, heads off to find Pierce Patchett, the man he saw with Susan Lefferts. Vincennes and Exley team up and follow a lead to find a snitch who may know the Nite Owl shooters’ address.

c. Finding Pierce Patchett, White learns that Lefferts and Bracken are prostitutes working for Patchett, and that Lefferts had been surgery enhanced to look like a movie star the night they all met. He also learns that Buzz Meeks, Patchett’s driver and bodyguard, no longer works for Patchett. White questions Bracken next, and she confirms everything Patchett told him. And White soon finds himself falling for her.

d. Vincennes and Exley question an informant who gives up an address of a local thug. When they arrive at the address, they’re stunned find two of Dudley’s detectives have beaten them there. They also find the murder weapons and shells in the suspects’ car. The four men agree to work as a team, and when they kick the door, the detectives try to shoot the suspects, but Exley thwarts them. The two detectives seem very anxious.

e. The next day, Exley conducts the interrogation with cunning skill. He gets one of the suspects to rat on his friends regarding drugs, but nothing about the murders. Crying hysterically, the youngest and weakest suspect admits to the kidnapping and rape of a woman held hostage. This enrages White, and he bursts into last interrogation room and puts a gun in the third suspects mouth demanding an address.

f. Police descend the house. White enters first and finds a young Mexican woman tied to a bed, beaten and raped. Bud finds her rapist watching TV and shoots him dead, planting a gun to justify the shooting. When Exley tries to question the victim, White pulls him off and sends the ambulance to the hospital. The two men get into a heated exchange. In the aftermath, it’s reported that the Nite Owl suspects have escaped custody.

g. Exley reviews the interrogation notes and learns the address where the suspects bought drugs. Exley grabs Carlisle, one of the detectives at the initial arrest, and they head off to find the drug dealer’s address.

h. MIDPOINT CLIMAX: Arriving at an apartment, shotguns ready, they kick the door. The suspects are inside with their drug dealer. When a bottle is accidently knocked to the floor, Carlisle shoots the youngest suspect, and all hell breaks loose. The drug dealer shoots Carlisle, who is shot by Exley. One of the suspects grabs a revolver and is gunned down by Exley. The last suspect tries to flee, but Exley shoves his shotgun through the closing door of the elevator and fires.

i. MIDPOINT: Returning to the station, bloody and in shock, Exley is greeted as a hero by the other detectives who once shunned him and receives an accommodation by the department. Vincennes returns to narcotics and to the set of the crime show. Pierce Patchett begins construction of a freeway after blackmailing a city councilman. And White resumes his muscle job beating mobsters for Smith but soon begins to obsess about Lynn Bracken and eventually begins a love affair with her.

j. At a campaign rally for the DA, Vincennes is approached by Hutchens with a job offer to setup the DA for blackmail using Matt Reynolds, the young actor Vincennes arrested on Christmas Eve. Looking for a little payback, Vincennes agrees. In meeting Vincennes, Reynolds thinks he recognizes Vincennes Fluer-de-Liz parties and drops Pierce Patchett’s name by accident. Before Vincennes can learn more, Hutchens sends Reynolds off to setup the DA. After a glass of whiskey at a bar and a bout with his conscience, Vincennes decides to stop Reynolds. But when he arrives at the motel, he finds Reynolds dead with his throat slit. Staring at Reynolds, who is staring back, Vincennes has an epiphany, that all the sleazy deals he’s committed over his career have led to this boy’s murder.

k. The next day, wheeling the rape victim out of the hospital, Exley learns that she lied in her statement about the suspects to get vengeance. Shocked, Exley begins to question whether the Nite Owl suspects killed Stensland and the other victims.

l. Deeply involved with Lynn Bracken, White tells her about his suspicions regarding the Nite Owl killings but is frustrated that he’s not smart enough to solve them. Encouraged by Lynn, he decides to conduct his own investigation, and after studying the crime scene photos, he realizes Stensland and Susan Lefferts were sitting together at the Nite Owl. He questions Mrs. Lefferts to confirm his suspicions about his partner and discovers Buzz Meeks’ body under the house.

m. In his office, staring at his Medal of Valor, Exley sits quietly wondering if his ambition got in the way of his judgement. He decides to review the investigation, and speaking to the coroner, learns that Bud White has been asking questions, too. Suspicion of White, Exley pursues him and finds Meeks’ body under the Lefferts’ home. He brings the remains to the coroner demanding an ID and to keep it confidential.

n. At his desk, Vincennes anguishes over the murder of Matt Reynolds. When Exley enters and asks for help to reinvestigate the Nite Owl killings, Vincennes it too demoralized. In this moment, both men question the reasons why they became cops and realize they’re not the cops they intended to be. Reenergized, Vincennes agrees to help Exley follow White if Exley agrees to investigate the murder of Reynolds.

o. Vincennes follows White only to find him with Johnny Stompanato, Mickey Cohen’s bodyguard. After some gripping coercion by White, Stompanato explains the rumors that Meeks was trying to sell the stolen heroin before he disappeared. White suspects Meeks was killed over it.

p. Vincennes and Exley find White at Lynn Bracken’s home. Vincennes realizes Bracken is one of Patchett’s prostitutes and that the two cases are linked. They decide to press Patchett but learn nothing. Leaving his home, the call comes in that the coroner has identified Meeks’ body, and they split up and decide to meet later.

q. Having spoken to the corner, Vincennes searches old arrest records and discovers the connection between Meeks, Stensland, Patchett and Dudley Smith. In the meantime, Exley tries to question Bracken who seduces him with Hutchens taking photographs from another room.

r. Growing impatient waiting for Exley at his favorite bar, Vincennes leaves and goes to speak with Dudley Smith. Vincennes reveals his investigation with Exley and exposes Smith’s connection to Stensland, Meeks and Patchett. When Smith learns Vincennes has not yet spoken to Exley, he pulls a pistol and shoots Vincennes, revealing he’s the mastermind behind the Nite Owl murders. VILLAIN. Committed to destroying anyone who gets in his way.

s. Following the next day’s briefing about Vincennes’ murder, Dudley speaks to Exley and unwittingly reveals himself to be Vincennes’ killer by mentioning a conversation only known to Exley and Vincennes.

t. White, still searching for Cohen’s stolen heroin, is confronted by Smith and told that he needs White’s help interrogating an informant to the Vincennes killing: Sid Hutchens. At the Victory Motel, Hutchens is beaten into confessing that Patchett had him photograph Exley and Bracken having sex to deliberately enrage White. Discovering the photos in Hutchens’ car, White charges off races to kill Exley. Dudley then kills Hutchens, cleaning up his tracks.

u. White confronts Bracken to confirm Hutchens’ story. Enraged, he finds Exley reviewing arrest records. Exley has discovered the same connection between Meeks, Stensland and Dudley Smith that Vincennes found. When White shows Exley the photos of him and Bracken, he fears for his life and tries to explain Dudley’s plot. But White isn’t listening. He tries to kill Exley, throwing him around the room. But somewhere during his rage, White realizes Dudley is using him and vents his remaining rage by throwing a chair through a window. In the calm, Exley and White realize the black suspects were not involved in the Nite Owl killings, that they were picket by Dudley to take the fall. And that Stensland and Meeks were killed for the heroin.

3) Act III – The Final Push

a. Working together, Exley and White question the DA about the death of Matt Reynolds. The DA admits that Patchett and Dudley are taking over Mickey Cohen’s rackets and that he couldn’t do anything because they were blackmailing him.

b. Exley and White go to question Patchett and find him dead, forced suicide. Realizing Lynn Bracken is next, they race to her house, but the Sheriff already has her safe. They split up. Exley talks to Lynn. White goes to confront Hutchens only to find him dead in his office. A message comes through for White, supposedly from Exley, asking White to meet him at the Victory Motel.

4) CLIMAX

a. Exley and White meet at the motel believing the other left the message to meet there. By the time they realize it’s a trap, Dudley and his men are surrounding the motel. They barricade themselves inside a room and prepare for the shootout. SUSPENSE

b. A fierce gun battle begins. White and Exley kill Dudley’s detectives one by one until they are confronted at the very last by Dudley himself. White throws Exley out of the way to save him as Dudley opens fire. White goes down, believed dead. Dudley stands over Exley, preparing to kill him when White plunges a knife into Dudley’s leg. Dudley shoots White again, but Exley gets the drop, grabbing up a shotgun. He hesitates shooting Dudley, who thinks Exley is playing politician again. Dudley promises to help further Exley’s career. But outside, Exley shoots Dudley in the back and then holds up his badge to ID himself as a cop to the approaching police cars.

5) RESOLUTION

a. In the interrogation room, Exley explains the whole scenario to a pair of detectives. The DA, Chief of Police and a room full of brass watch the interrogation, worried more about the department’s reputation. The DA suggests the idea that Smith died a hero to save the department. Exley begins to smile, knowing they will need more than one.

b. Final scene: Exley receives another accommodation. He spies Lynn Bracken in the back of the room and walks out with her. In Lynn’s car, White is bandaged and recovering from his wounds. They’re leaving together, heading to Arizona. Exley and White finally shake hands, and when Lynn drives away, the two men share one final goodbye.
________________

GENRE: THRILLER/SUSPENSE
TITLE: THE SIXTH SENSE

PURPOSE: A frightened and isolated boy who sees dead people seeks the help of a once successful child psychologist to help alleviate his fear.

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS: Shot by his patient, the psychologist seek to rectify his failure to help an old patient by curing the boy’s pathology.

Someone is physically harming the boy, and when he finally reveals his secret to the psychologist, the dead seek him out, enraged, looking for someone to harm.

MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE: Why are the dead seeking out this boy? What do they want from him that only he can solve?

HEROES: The boy, unknowing, in fear for his life. The psychology, desperate to help, but failing.

VILLAIN: The boy’s fear, unrelenting, overwhelming him. The new man attracted to the psychologist’s wife, threatening the relationship.

MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, surprise.
__________________

OUTLINE: THE SIXTH SENSE

1) Act I – The real world

a. OPENING: A light in a basement room clicks on. Anna Crowe trots downstairs attired for an evening out. She selects a bottle of wine from the cellar and while reading the label, a cold, uneasy anxiety comes over her and she flees the cold basement.

b. Anna and her husband, Malcom Crowe, share the wine in front of a fire as she reads an award honoring Malcom for his work as a child psychologist. She makes a comment that the world comes second to his work, including her. They head upstairs to bed.

c. INCITING INCIDENT: In the bedroom, Anna discovers the glass from a broken window overturned phone. Someone has broken in. A young man, Vincent Grey, suddenly appears from the bathroom, naked and traumatized. He screams at Malcom for failing him, and Malcom recognizes him as a former patient. Crying, Vincent says he doesn’t want to be afraid anymore. But before Malcomb offers to help him, Vincent shoots Malcom and then commits suicide.

d. The next fall, Malcom sits on a bench going over notes. A door opens and a very young boy steps out preparing to walk to school. Malcom refers to his notes. The boy is Cole Sear. From the notes we learn his age, divorced parents, anxiety, mood swings. When Malcom looks up, Cole is gone, running to school.

e. Malcom catches up to Cole, following from across the street. Cole is walking fast, then running. Malcom has a hard time keeping pace. When Cole runs into a church, Malcom is perplexed.

f. Malcom finds Cole sitting in a pew playing with toy soldiers and reciting Latin. Malcom introduces himself. It’s their first meeting. Malcom apologizes for being late and missing their appointment. Malcom explains that people used high in churches, suggesting Cole has come to the church to hide. Malcom notes scratches on Cole’s wrist. Cole asks if Malcom is a good doctor. Malcom tells him that he used to be. It’s a brief meeting. and when Cole leaves, he asks Malcom if he’s going to see Malcom again. Malcom says yes, then watches as Cole steals a small religious figurine on his way out.

g. Malcom returns home to find his wife has already eaten, a dinner for one, and that she has gone to bed. Malcom’s sits beside her, reflecting how his work is affecting their marriage. He heads to his basement office finds the door locked. He searches his pocket for his keys. A moment later, he’s sitting as his desk writing notes in his journal, translating the Latin he heard Cole speaking. Out of the depths, I cry to you O’ Lord.

h. Next day, Lynn Sear, Cole’s mother, gets ready for work. When she enters the kitchen, she finds cupboards open. Cole sits down at the table, and Lynn then steps out to clean a spot form his clip-on tie. When she returns, every cupboard and drawer is wide open, startling her. Cole is sitting with his hands flat on the table. Frustrated, believing Cole responsible, she asks Cole what he was looking for. Pop Tarts. Cole worries his mother is thinking bad things about him. She reassures him not true. Cole heads off to school, and after he leaves, she notes the water from Cole’s handprints slowly evaporating.

i. From a window, Lynn watches Cole and a friend, Tommy, head off to school. But when the boys are out of sight, they split up. They’re not friends. Tommy calls Cole “Freak.”

j. The bell rings at school. Children run inside. Cole stands alone outside, the very last student, afraid to step into the school. Finally, he forces himself to walk in.

k. Refusal of the call: Cole returns home to find his mother and Malcom sitting together in the living room. Lynn greets Cole. She tells him that he can tell her things of he needs to, but he stays quiet. Then they makeup stories about their days to make each other feel better.

l. When she leaves to get dinner, Malcom tries to connect with Cole, playing a mind game. He doesn’t think Malcom can help him. He’s worried about what his mother thinks. He has a secret but can’t tell anybody. He got in trouble for drawing violent images. But as close at Malcom gets, Cole pulls away, telling Malcom he can’t help him.

m. Malcom meets Anna at the restaurant where they got engaged. Malcom is late, and Anna has already eaten again. He apologizes that he loses track of time and tries to explain to her about Cole. She seems not to care. When he reaches for the check, she pulls it way and pays. Upset, she tell him Happy Anniversary and leaves.

n. Malcom walks Cole to school the next day. Cole tells Malcom not to stare at him. He is also afraid his mother will think he’s a freak, so he doesn’t tell her things. Malcom tells Cole he’s not a freak.

o. At home, Lynn turns up the thermostat. She glances at a wall of family photographs. Studying the photos of Cole, she notes a glowing light hovering near Cole in every photo. It seems like something almost spiritual.

p. Malcom and Cole have a session in the living room. As they speak, we see Lynn cleaning Cole’s room. Malcom asks if Cole has ever written his thoughts down. Free association. Cole says yes. Lynn finds the pages in Cole’s room. The writing is violent and frightening. Cole calls them upset words.

q. PLOT POINT 1: When Malcom prepares to leave, he asks Cole to think about the goals of his session. What he wants. Cole responds: Not to be scared anymore. The words from Vincent Grey.

2) Act II – Tests, Allies and Enemies

a. In his office, Malcom reviews Cole’s case and the possibility of self-inflicted wounds. He hears a knock at the door. Anna opens the door. It’s her assistant from her antique store (new character). Malcom listens to the conversation as the man invites her to a flea market just to get out. Anna politely thanks him but refuses. From the basement window, Malcom watches him leave, angry.

b. Cole sits bored as his desk when the teacher (new character) asks the class if they know the history of the school. Cole raises his hand and tells everyone that they used to hang people in the old days, whole families. The teacher, stunned, tries to convince Cole he’s wrong. Cole persists, freaking out by the teacher staring at him. Covering his eyes, Cole begins to yell “Stuttering Stanley” at the teacher until the teacher slams his hand down and calls him a “freak.”

c. Cole sits alone in the library, expelled from class. Kids are playing outside. Malcom joins him, but Cole doesn’t want to talk. Malcom shows him a magic trick with a penny. Cole is unimpressed.

d. Malcom returns home to find his wedding video playing on TV. He watches, reminiscing for a moment. Upstairs, he watches Anna in the shower, until he notices her bottle of Zoloft for depression in the medicine cabinet.

e. Malcom heads downstairs to his office. Finding the door locked again, he searches his pockets for the key.

f. At a kid’s birthday party, Cole plays Malcom’s magic trick on another boy who finds it stupid. Cole is trying to fit it, but still finds himself outside. Cole watches a balloon float upstairs and decides to follow it. Near the top, he hears the voice of a man coming from a small closet, pleading, demanding to be let out even though the door is open. Cole stops dead. Tommy and another boy spy Cole on the stairs and decide to have a little fun. They throw Cole into the closet and slam the door. Cole screams and screams. Something is attacking him inside the closet. Lynn races upstairs, hysterical to open the locked door. Cole’s screaming stops someone inside unlocks the door. Cole falls into Lynn’s arms, unconscious.

g. At the hospital, the doctor talking to Lynn discusses the wounds on Cole and suggests Lynn is abusing her son. Listening, Malcom can’t believe it.

h. MIDPONT CLIMAX: Malcom enters Cole’s hospital room. The boy is resting. Cole asks Malcom why he’s sad. Malcom confides that he made a mistake with a patient, Vincent, and that he’s not the same person. Everything is different. His wife doesn’t like the man he’s become. He thinks if he can help Cole, it would be like helping Vincent. Cole then decides to tell his secret to Malcom: He sees dead people. But once outside, Malcom records his diagnosis. Paranoia and schizophrenic. He doesn’t believe Cole sees dead people. Malcom fears he’s not helping Cole.

i. Home from the hospital, Lynn puts Cole to bed. She notices tears in his sweater and finds small wounds on his back. Enraged, she calls the parents and warns them to keep their kids to away from her son.

j. Middle of the night, Cole peeks out from his bedroom. He must go to the bathroom but is obviously frightened to make the trip. Unable to hold it, he waddles to the bathroom. The temperature on a wall thermostat drops. The house gets cold. Cole’s sees breath. Standing at the toilet, his back to the door, someone walks past him down the hall. Frightened, Cole follows into the kitchen. All the cupboards and drawers are open (like before) and a woman in a bathrobe stands at the counter. She spins to Cole, an abused wife, and starts yelling at Cole as if yelling at her abusive husband. She reveals her slit writs. Cole runs to his room and dives into a makeshift tent where he hides form the ghosts surrounded by religious figurines.

k. After a school play, walking the halls, Malcom notices Cole has stopped dead in his tracks a few feet back. Malcom drops down to a knee to face Cole and ask why, Cole shifts his focus up the stairs. A man, woman, and their child hang from the rafters. He tells Malcom what he sees, but Malcom tells him there’s nothing there. Cole asks Malcom to make them go away. Malcom responds, “I’m working on it.”

l. Having dinner at home, Cole and Lynn are wrapped up due to the cold. Lynn askes Cole if he keeps taking a pendant from her dresser. When he insists that he didn’t, she gets mad and sends him to his room. But before he gets there, another ghost, a young boy, invites Cole into the bedroom to see his dad’s gun. When he turns around, Cole sees the gunshot wound in the back of his head. He runs to his mother, asking to sleep in her bed. Falling into her arms shivering from fear, she begs him to tell her what’s wrong. He still cannot tell her his secret.

m. At her antique store, Anna waits on a young couple buying an engagement ring. She explains to them how things passed down possess their own spirit. She then presents her assistant with a birthday gift. As they embrace, they get very close, romantic. The glass in their front door suddenly shatters. When they run outside to find the person, Malcom is storming away, having seen them.

n. At their next meeting, Malcom informs Cole that he can’t be his doctor anymore. He hasn’t paid enough attention to his family. Cole pleads with him not go give up. He’s the only one who can help. Cole asked Malcom if he believes his secret, but Malcom doesn’t know how to answer. Cole gives the penny from the magic trick back to Malcom, telling him, “If you don’t believe me, how can you me.”

o. In his basement, Malcom begins to remember things Vincent said about being scared. He reviews old session tapes with Vincent as a boy. On the tape, we hear Malcom leave the room and the voice of a man starts speaking Spanish to Vincent. Malcom suddenly realizes Cole is telling the truth.

p. Malcom finds Cole at the church and tell him what happened. He askes Cole what the ghosts want. Cole says they want his help. Malcom agrees and thinks Cole can make them go away if he just listens to them. But what if they’re just angry and want to hurt somebody? Malcom doesn’t have the answer.

q. Walking home, Malcom spies Anna’s assistant leaving their home. But when he tries to confront the man, he takes off in his car.

r. Cole wakes up hearing his mother having a bad dream. He goes to her side to comfort her, and when she falls asleep, he returns to his room. The room is suddenly cold, and seeing his breath, Cole dives into his tent. Someone starts breaking into the tent, and a young girl, Kyra is suddenly there, sick and vomiting. Cole bolts to the living room to hide. Remembering Malcom’s advice, he returns to his room to ask the girl what she wants?

s. Cole takes a bus ride with Malcom to the girls home on the day of her funeral. Family and friends are gathering. As they walk through the house, the mourners speak of the girl. She was sick for two years. Nobody knows why. She had several doctors. And now the younger sister is taking ill.

t. Upstairs, Cole enters in the girl’s room alone. He looks around. Homemade videotapes. Lots of dolls and puppets. The girl suddenly grabs him from under the bed, and he falls in front of her. She’s almost hiding. She pushes a small box to him.

u. Downstairs, Cole carries the box through the mourners, passing the mother, who’s in red. A stark contrast to the other mourners in black. Cole presents the box to the girls grieving father and tells him that she wanted him to have what’s inside. A videotape. When the videotape is played, it reveals the mother was poisoning in the daughter’s soup, killing her daughter, a case of Munchhausen syndrome by proxy.

v. In the front yard, on the swings, Cole hands the younger sister a doll. He tells her Kyra wanted her to have it. Kyra knew it was her sister’s favorite.

3) Act III – The Final Push

a. At school, the teacher walks into a back room with Cole’s props for a play. The woman talking to Cole tells him to hurry and leaves. The teacher asks Cole who he was talking to. The woman turns, revealing severe burns. Another ghost. Cole says he was just practicing lines. preparing for the play.

b. On stage, Cole is the lead actor int the play, portraying King Arthur, pulling the sword from the stone. Triumphant. Malcom is in the audience watching. The children on stage stumble and fall in a heap, landing on one another. Cole lays in the center, laughing, finally accepted.

c. In the hallway after the play, Malcom and Cole realize their time with each other is over. But before Malcom leaves, Cole gives him advise. Talk to his wife while she’s sleeping, that way she’ll hear him. They say their goodbyes.

d. Parked at the scene of an accident, Cole decides to confess his secret to his mother. He tells her that a someone died in the accident. A lady. And that’s she standing next to his window. Another ghost, bloody, in a bicycle outfit, stand outside the car. He reveals to her that he sees ghosts. Lynn doesn’t believe him. Cole then tells her grandma says Hi and that she’s sorry for taking the bumble bee pendant. When Lynn, admonishes him, he tells her that grandma saw her dance, hiding in the back at Lynn’s dance recital. This is something Lynn never thought her mother witnessed. Cole tells Lynn the answer to a question she asks her mother, a question only Lynn would know. In tears, Lynn accepts the truth about Cole.

e. CLIMAX: Malcom returns home to find Anna asleep with the wedding videos playing again. When he speaks to her, Anna’s hand falls and drops Malcom’s wedding ring to the floor. Malcom suddenly realizes he hasn’t been wearing it. Everything Cole said about the ghosts floods back.

i. They don’t know they’re dead.

ii. They only see what they want to see

f. Malcom begins to realize he’d dead. The basement door isn’t locked. It’s blocked by a table. He sees the wound in his stomach. Touches the blood on his back. We cut back to the night Vincent Grey shoots Malcom. Anna is panicked, rolls him on his side. She sees the wound, blood pooling under him. On his side, Malcom slowly dies, almost in peace.

g. In the living room, Malcom comes to grips that he’s dead and understands why he had to return. With Cole’s help, he had to rectify why he failed to help Vincent. And taking Cole’s advice, he speak to Anna while she sleeps, telling her she was never second and that he loves her. She can now move on with her life, and he if free to leave the living.

h. PURPOSE: To thrill your audience with high stakes, plot twists suspense that never lets up until the adrenalin packed climax

LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS: They face danger at every step — either physically, emotionally, or mentally. The hero needs to either be in danger or there is the implication of future danger.

MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE: There’s a mystery that must be solved to survive. Intrigue is the underhanded and covert Villain’s plan. Suspense comes from the danger the Hero faces.

HERO: Unknowing, unwitting, but resourceful hero.

VILLAIN: Dangerous, devious, and unrelenting. Committed to destroy anyone who gets in their way.

MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation, uncertainty, and surprise.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s LinkedIn Profile is Amazing!

* And improving every day!

What I learned doing this assignment is…?

* I my profile was out of date! And I need to keep it updated. And I need to reach out to more producers and people in the film industry. I need to make my profile screenwriter specific.

Tell us the instant improvements you made to your LinkedIn Profile and your plan for improving your credibility on LinkedIn over the next 30 days.

* I completely redesigned my profile page to highlight my screenwriting. I also emphasized my past experience a director/producer/editor in life and online media production from past work experience.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Abbott’s Credibility Is Going Up!

What I learned doing this assignment:

The marked, once closed, is now open to more screenwriters due to the advent of streaming and larger independent market. And I must prepare for the opportunity by –

1. Increasing my screenwriting credibility.

2. Building my online profile on LinkedIn

3. Prepare a writing sample from a completed script

4. Engage with producers online

My Checklist:

Your Writing Sample: Untitled – Thriller Genre

1. Title my project

2. Recommend from coverage – Not yet

3. Does it deliver the genre in a strong way – Yes

4. Does it deliver on the business decisions – Yes

Screenwriting Accomplishments

1. Submit script to contests – none so far

2. No deals yet – small or large

3. No movies produced yet

Google Factor – How many items on the first page show you as a professional screenwriter?

1. None so far – needs work

2. No buzz posts, interviews, news reports, etc. – needs work

Network

1. How many producers are in your network? 40

2. How many Connections do you have who are connected to producers? 2 Directors

Education specific to screenwriting

1. Classes and workshops

2. No degree in film or screenwriting

Borrowed Credibility

1. Past agent representation – Yes

a. Scott Meredith, NY – 1980’s

b. French Agency, LA – 1980’s

2. Working with a producer – No

a. Currently working with director on possible project

3. Not connected to a star

4. Not connected to a funding source

IMDb Credits

1. None

Other forms of credibility that is related to screenwriting:

1. Unpublished novel

2. Director experience (limited to previous career in media production

3. Experience working with production company

My Plan Over the Next 30 Days to Increase My Credibility

1. Build up my online profile: LinkedIn and IMDb.

2. Highlight my past agency representation

3. Emphasize my media production experience

3. List my screenwriting classes

4. Make myself available for screenwriting assignments

5. Increase the number of producers and directors in my profile

6. Work on getting a recommend for my scripts

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Abbott Projects

Untitled

Finished Script: Second Draft

Budget $15 – $40

Inspector Andrea Jimenez, new to homicide, pursues a San Francisco serial killer once thought long dead. But to capture her quarry, she must overcome the politics of a department bent on burying the past and seek the retired police officer who pursued the killer twenty years hence.

Project 2 – Suspense

Untitled

Proposed Idea (work in progress)

Budget $5 – $15

Master thief and killer, Katherine Lansing, ingratiates herself into one of the most powerful and politically connected families in Washington DC. Her plan: murder the family matriarch and abscond with the family fortune. There is only one problem. She’s being pursued by unscrupulous FBI agent with his own ambitions and a dogged Chicago cop bent on justice for one of Katherine’s previous victims.

______

What I learned from day 1:

1) Listen! The producer is hiring you to being his/her vision to the screen. And remember that you’re auditioning for the part.

2) Be in contact with producer to ensure you’re both on the same page even during the treatment/outline phase

3) Be the calm in the storm

4) Work as a team to get the film made!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

1. Name

Dana Abbott

2. How many scripts you’ve written?

I wrote two finished spec scripts years ago in my twenties. A western and a thriller. Both were agent represented. Neither sold. I still have the rejection slips to prove it. I fell out of writing for a long time, pursuing another career, but now I have decided to get back into the game. I recently took a refresher course in screenwriting and have completed a script with several others started. This is going to be my second life.

3. What you hope to get out of the class?

I hope to get a better understanding of the business side of screenwriting.

4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?

I played the alien in a short film for a commercial competition directed by my nephew

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Dana Abbott

I agree to the terms of the release form

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Renee

I’d like to exchange outlines with you, if you’re still available. I’ve only done one exchange so far. Life got in the way for a few days. I’m writing a thriller, and I’d enjoy reading your horror outline.

Dana

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Lisa

Your concept sounds like another nice story. You’re good at writing about family. While you’re bringing them together, I’m ripping them apart. One my friends compared me to Stephen King after hearing my latest concept, but I don’t think he meant it as a compliment.

How’s Mary’s Wonderful Christmas coming?

I found a structural flaw in my script that I finally worked out, I’m rewriting the first 30 pages.

Love to hear from you soon.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Thanks June. I found it. I had to complete the partner up session first.

[Dana Abbott]

Dev

I can’t find where the recorded teleconference is posted, either. If you find out, please let me know. I need to finish my query letter.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Thanks, Lisa

I just hope my script is as good at the letter.

I’m impressed with your bio. NYU Film and a produced script. Most everyone here is already accomplished. Education, awards, productions, etc. I feel a little inadequate.

PS – My nephew attended NYU Film Academy in LA.

Thanks again,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s review of Matthew Frendo’s Query Letter Draft ONE

FYI – I like your second letter better. I evaluated both.

Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…

Nice opening hook. Grabs my interest and imagination. But “…vote in to kill her next…” is a little hard to read. “…they would elect to kill her…”

She and the other players already took out two. First time in history it’s ever happened. And the assholes in power have to be getting worried…and pissed. Either way…

She knew she was going to die.

Nice hook: “…knew she was going to die.”

In 30 years of sacrifice matches, only one person ever survived. And he was way tougher than any of them were. All she wanted now was for her son to be proud when she did finally meet her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth.

Good hooks: sacrifice matches; who was the only one to survive; never finding the truth.

“…way tougher…” might be a little weak. Something more violent would be frightening. “And he was far more (menacing; violent; ferocious: etc.) than any of them.”

“…when she did finally meet…” is awkward. “…proud when she finally met her end…”

I also don’t think you need the second line about his learning the truth. “God, she hoped…” It may be a little redundant, especially when the next line is so gripping.

Because that would be the only thing worse than being ripped apart alive while the whole world cheers…

Nice imagery hook. What’s ripping her apart? And why?

“Because that would be worse than being…” is a little tighter.

Every criminal that was forced in got killed – so, why would a 24-year old girl join voluntarily?

Good hooks: criminals; everyone killed; why would she volunteer?

A little wordsmithing – “Every criminal forced to play got killed – so why…”

It’s because they didn’t know – and never could. Alicia would rather die. She looked at the troopers’ faces around her, staring impassively ahead as they took her to the sacrifices. Only one thought crossed her mind—

I wonder what monster social media voters will send in to kill me?

Hooks: Alicia wants to die; monsters sent to kill her

The sentence is confusing. I think it would be more impactful if you answered the question why she volunteered by simply saying “Because she wanted to die.”

Her question, I’d leave off “I wonder…” “What monster will social media voters send to kill me?”

Though she didn’t know it yet, these sacrifices were going to be the most painful, excruciating and heartbreaking experience of Alicia’s life…

And they’ll be the thing that turns her into the hero she never thought she could be.

Hooks: painful sacrifices; becoming a hero

This is a good query, though I have a few questions. I don’t really know anything about the “sacrifice matches.” It’s a little vague. I don’t know why they exist or their purpose. Your letter seems to describe a future death match kind of game, but I don’t get a sense of it.

I think the next query better explains your concept.

(Two opening hooks here…not sure which is best to use)

What if Hunger Games was a horror movie? Or Flashing lights. A charismatic host. Now, this is what you call a sacrifice!

Your second opening is better.

Opening hook: Now this is what you call a sacrifice!

It sounds like a future game show about people being sacrificed.

After 30 years of sacrifice matches, crime has been eliminated from society. And that’s why the system was switched to social media voting. Now, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—

I wonder what monster they’ll vote in to kill me?

Hooks: sacrifice matches; crime eliminated; social media voting; outcasts on chopping block; Alicia being sacrificed.

A little wordsmithing: “And with the system now switched to social media voting, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. That’s how Alicia…”

“Sacrifice matches” is still a little vague. Maybe explain what you mean by sacrifice.

Will it be vampires? Loch ness monster? Freaking killer mermaids? Only two things were certain…they’ll be violent and she’ll be killed. Then she thought of her son, hidden away with her abusive mother. She thought about her mother exposing the truth about him to the world….

And knew she had to find a way to get out, even if it meant everyone else dying…

Hooks: What monster will Alicia face; she’ll be killed; the truth about her son; everyone else dying.

This query is much stronger. I understand the concept. It’s a blend of the Running Man and the Purge. I think you have some great hooks in both. I liked the line “…only one person ever survived…” If you could incorporate that line into the second letter, it might elevate the danger Alicia faces.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Thanks, Cam

Great insights. I think you’re right about the second sentence. I think it works better without the statement about Ellen.

Thanks again for your help.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dev

Here’s my review. I hope it’s not too late.

Dear Film Producer,

I was perusing cool junk in an Arkansas pawn shop when in walked the local Grand Dragon, the leader of the town’s KKK. A lively conversation between us ensued, stretching out over ten days, and resulting in my Sci-Fi-Thriller.

Caine and Able

Nice intro. Good personal touch. I’d be interested in seeing that encounter in a screenplay.

Synopsis:

Clay Caine, white supremacist and a Grand Dragon of the KKK, has a doppelganger – and he’s black.

Great opening hook: KKK doppelganger – and he’s black.

Just wondering if you need “white supremacist.” It’s implied by Grand Dragon of KKK. I think may be a stronger opening line without it.

In the multi-verse, climate change degrades a universe, causing its poisonous infiltration into a healthy neighboring one.

Good Hooks: degrades a universe; poisonous infiltration

A changing universe is a good sci-fi hook to pull us into the story.

Is it “a” universe, as in another planet, or is it “our” universe – Earth? That was a little confusing to me. And “…into a healthy neighboring one…” is a little awkward and maybe unnecessary. If a poisonous infiltration is taking place, I might assume the invaded universe is healthy. “…causing a poisonous infiltration…” may be all you need to say.

An early sign of this degrading universe shows up as a strange wind that blows through a charming little town just as KKK Grand Dragon, CLAY CAINE, is usurped at his own rally by an upstart from a hot new White Supremacist group. What comes next for this Klan lifer is worse – a cross is burnt on his front lawn because everybody in town now knows his daughter’s been knocked up by her black boyfriend. And to add insult to injury, one morning he wakes up to find his wife is black as well… for a few seconds anyways.

Good Hooks: a strange wind; usurped by an upstart; cross burnt on his front lawn; daughter’s baby and boyfriend are black; wife black too – for a few seconds.

These hooks make us want to know more. What does the wind do? An upstart, a burnt cross, the daughter’s baby, and her boyfriend, these hooks increase the threat. And the wife being black is a great twist.

My only suggestion: the first two sentences are a bit long – run on. A little wordsmithing will take care of it. But his was a good set-up.

Desperate to regain power and influence, and after a good pray on it, Clay believes his only path back to power is assassination. He’ll take out an up-and-coming black leader. However, unbeknownst to him, the black leader he chooses to murder, LINCOLN ABLE, exists in another universe, the very one Clay’s universe is breeching.

Good Hooks: assassination; black leader lives in another universe.

This is a great twist. “… after a good pray on it…” is a little awkward. “…and after some prayer…” But you might not need this line. I think it’s stronger without it.

Meanwhile, in his universe, Lincoln awakes to a new and very unfamiliar urge: He is to assassinate a Grand Dragon….

Great Hook and Twist: Lincoln wants to assassinate a Grand Dragon

The two universes continue their meld, causing Clay and Lincoln to literally appear and disappear out of each other lives, do battle across realties, and ultimately destroy their families, their reputations, and the meaning in life they both had fought long and hard for.

Good Hook: appear and disappear in each other lives

Nice twist. The universes are not only colliding but flipping.

In the end, they mortally wound each other only to discover they exist as a yin and yang.

Their pivotal deaths are the final catalyst for their worlds to implode and then give birth to two new universes. One is where most of us would like to live, the other is a perfect hell.

Good Hooks: two new universes. What will they look like?

The conclusion is unique. And your query is a fast read and piques our interest, making us wonder how your story and characters get to their destinations. Nice job.

If you like my concept and would like to see the script, I’m eager to oblige!

Best,

Dev Ross

Dev Ross has written television for Disney and Amazon Studios, films for Universal, is an optioned writer, and was recently a finalist in the Stage32’s biopic/true story screenwriting contest.

m.imdb.com/name/mn0743361BIO:

Great bio. I’m impressed with all my classmates. I should be asking you for your advice, not giving it!

[Dana Abbott]

Lisa

Mary’s Wonderful Christmas Query

Critique

Can separated down-and-out mom Mary save her shop from foreclosure by kidnapping Santa Claus and holding him for ransom?

Strongest hook: Kidnapping Santa Claus. This is a great hook. It’s a surprise! Who would ever think to do that? This sells the story.

Good Hook: Save her shop from foreclosure.

It’s a great opening line. You capture the reader’s attention instantly.

During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, Mary gets notice that she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop since there hasn’t been snow in 3 years. The bank gives her until December 25 to pay up.

Good Hooks: lose her snowmobile shop; December 25 pay up. Pay up by Christmas or else is a great hook. It’s a good ticking clock.

“Since there hasn’t been snow in 3 years” feels awkward. “…due to a 3-year drought…”

And you may not need to state the reason she’s losing her shop. “…festival, the bank gives Mary notice that she will lose her snowmobile shop if she doesn’t pay up by December 25.”

Ex-military, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD. This gives her the idea to kidnap Santa for ransom to pay her mortgage and save her shop.

Good Hooks: guarded Santa Claus; kidnap Santa for ransom;

Mary’s rank might give her character credibility. “A retired Air Force captain, Mary once guarded…” Or whatever her rank might be.

It might read better as one sentence. “…NORAD, which gives her the idea…” You also might not need “save her shop” since you’ve already said it before.

Mary is separated from her husband, Peter who is looking after their two daughters. She hopes by saving her business she can win back her family too.

Good Hooks: separated from her husband; save her business; win back her family.

This is a concluding sentence. I’d put this last, after the next sentence. But it’s a bit awkward. It may flow better if you start with her separation. “Separated from her husband, Peter, and her two daughters, Mary hopes to…”

While government agents are searching for them, Mary and the real Santa move through town easily because downtown is packed for the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa!

Good Hooks: government agents searching; Mary and Santa “eluding the agents”; 5k Santa race.

It’s a bit long and needs some trimming. And I’d move it above “Mary is separated…” It’s more of a mid-story scene.

In the end, Santa reveals he could have left anytime he wanted but stayed with Mary to guide her to the real meaning of Christmas. Ala It’s a Wonderful Life, the town bails Mary out of her predicament with the funds from the festival. Mary and Peter reunite their family.

I like the statement that Santa teaches Mary the meaning of Christmas, but you might want to rethink using this sentence. Rather than piquing curiosity, you reveal the entire ending. I’d leave them wondering what happens and have them request your script to learn what happens.

By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!

I have sold one full-length feature and I am a graduate of NYU Film.

I like your bio, but I’d start strong with your NYU Film history, then your feature, and finish with your attending the festival.

“I am a graduate of NYU Film, and I have sold one-full length feature.” I’d also list the name of the feature and the company. I have also attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses! This gives your bio personality.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.

This is a nice finish and a good query. It starts strong and reads fast, and it hits the important hooks.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

<div>Hi, Cam</div><div>

I just posted a critique for you. I didn’t see your second version, so I reviewed your first version. Your second is much stronger. Take what you can from my review.

</div><div>

Dana

</div>

[Dana Abbott]

Cam

Sorry. I reviewed your first letter. I didn’t see your second version. Take what you can from my review.

“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”

Good opening hooks: “Listen to me!” makes the reader to listen. “…keep you alive” and “…those things out of you” makes me think of Alien.

While a space colony fights against hostile alien parasites, Sully is fighting against the crowd, desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine year old son.

Good hooks: “hostile alien parasites”, “desperate to… make worst decision”, “save his wife or son”

Does the space colony have a name? “While [name] space colony…” You might also want to define Sully a little more. Add his career and last name. [Engineer] Sully [name]…

And “fights against” and “fighting against” would be stronger saying “fights.” “…space colony fights hostile aliens…” and “Sully fights the crowd…”

After a year of refusing to move on from his wife’s death, Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome.

Good character set up for both father and son. You might want to add the son’s name “… with his son, [name], who…” It gives him a personal connection to the reader

And the first line is a little awkward. “A year after his wife’s death, Sully refuses to move on and has forgotten how to…” reads a little easier.

However, when the alarm signals the savage aliens’ return, Sully will be forced to reconnect with his son; especially when they fail to make it to the bunker in time. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can uncover their dark secret.

Good hooks: “savage aliens return”, “fail to make the bunker”, son is “the only one who can uncover their dark secret.”

I’d use “But” instead of “However.” It’s a little more direct. “But when the alarm signals…”

“Sully will be forced” is a little passive, too. “Sully is forced” would be stronger.

And “his son; especially…” is stronger without especially. “… is forced to reconnect with [son’s name] when they fail to make the bunker in time.”

But how likely are you to trust a developmentally challenged child in a crisis, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?

I like this line. That Sully must trust his developmentally challenged son. It’s a strong hook.

You might want to switch “developmentally challenged” with “Aspie son” from the previous “Lucky for Sully…” sentence.

“Sully must trust his developmentally challenged son who, obsessed with the alien parasites, may be the only one who can uncover their dark secret.”

And..

“How likely are you to trust a child with Asperger’s Syndrome, especially…”

In addition to winning Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.

Great bio. Award winner plus the personal connection to the character in your script.

I’d add the name of your screenplay and really highlight your winning. Winner: Hoboken International Film Festival, Screenwriting. Name of screenplay.

You wrote a good query. It’s a fast read, great hooks, and it flows well. I hope my suggestions help.

Dana

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by  Dana Abbott.

[Dana Abbott]

June

I read your synopsis. It sounds great. But I am really impressed with your resume. Wow! You’re very accomplished. Good for you! And good luck with your script.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Thanks Michael.

Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I just saw your email. Best of luck on your script, too.

[Dana Abbott]

Alice

Thank your for your critique. I appreciate you comments, especially your more critical ideas. Constructive critiques always help more than compliments. Thanks again. And good luck with your script. I enjoyed reading your first ten.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Thanks for your critique, Alice. I’ll give is a read when I get home tonight.

And I’ll critique your first ten, too.

Thanks again,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Cam

Thanks for your critique. You go above and beyond. Your comments are right on target . I agree with all of them. I was struggling with my confidence, and you’ve motivated me. Thanks again.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Critique of Miropolis Separation.

First ten pages, Version 2

FADE IN:

INT./EXT. INNER WORLD INSIDE OF HUMAN AS DIGITAL REPRESENTATION – OUT OF TIME

SUPERIMPOSE: Artificial nano-death. Test 43-157.

LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left.

Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.

Vision in slow motion floats up into grey space.

QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)

What new qualities did you acquire?

ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)

I can move walls apart!

Note 1: I have no idea what you’re exploring here or why, but it was still great. It grabbed my imagination and made me read more to find out. Good job with the beginning.

EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY

Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.

Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.

Hands detach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.

Note 2: Good image. This reminds me of a Norman Rockwell painting.

JUDGE (O.S.)

That is a FISH! He caught it!

Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.

Note 3: Nice description of the Judge/Grandfather

INT./EXT. PLANE IN THE AIR – DAY

Flat screen with digital image showcasing miniature plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water surface from one shore to another.

View widens, and we can see that is not Earth globe, though resembles. Two archipelagoes are as if reversed, there are no ice at poles, and long peninsula runs at South hemisphere.

Plane travels above at the North from right to left.

View widens farther on, small digital screen is one of many fixed on the backs of chairs, interior of the plane, now in the air.

This is…

SUPERIMPOSE: Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth count.

Note 4: Nice method to introduce/move us to new location (Miropolis).

North of Miropolis. Plane crosses from their Far East, Hawaii-like resort area back to Eastern shore of Western Hemisphere. Just some strip of Ocean water.

PILOT (O.S.)

Free citizens of the WEST! We are experiencing slight weather trouble due to the Northern winds, please remain seated. Landing on East Shore of Miropolis in about one and a half hour supposedly.

<s>Really,</s> plane shakes a bit, moving up and down under winds.

THANAKH, (34), middle-height, light-haired, even-tempered, as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal, Scientist working at Research Institute, travels back with his girlfriend KIAT (27), subtle attractive brunet, her skin darkened under sun they spent weekend under.

Note 5: This is a picky, but the lines “…as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal,” and “subtle attractive” seem awkward. I think “Even-tempered” and “attractive” are stronger.

THANAKH

Kiat, awake, we are home!

Kiat awakes, pulls out cosmetic mirror, and puts on lipstick, making her lips really dark red.

She glances on Thanakh, and they hold hands, trying to make it less visible, and looking away from each other.

Note 6: This is a very nice way of showing a private affair between two people. My only suggestion would be to show them holding hands at the end of the moment to emphasis the secrecy. (i.e., She glances at Thanakh, and they look away from each other. His hand furtively touches hers, and their fingers entwine. A secret moment.)

INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – DAY

Small but cozy one-room apartment of Thanakh, which combines bedroom, guest room with a screen, and office with computer, is submerged in dusk.

Thanakh enters. Phone rings. He picks it up.

THANAKH

Hello!

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

Did you receive documentation?

THANAKH

Yes.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

You have to be prepared to speak tomorrow!

THANAKH

It’s done. Are you sure it went thru?

DIRECTOR (O.S.)

You had to read it already!

Note 7: This was a good conversation. You created a setup for a future event to intrigue us.

SHORT AFTER

Thanakh switches comp on, and gets to window, displaying files, all reports from labs quarter work he needs to speak of at tomorrow’s meeting. He opens first file, and makes printout, as he reads it briefly on screen.

INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

One of the files appears to be dark, he cannot open it. It belongs to report on ANAUPSH lab, her name typed above.

Note 8: I’d delete and replace SHORT AFTER with the slug line INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT to show transition. And who’s name (her) is typed above? Is ANAUPSH a lab, a person or both? I think this needs to be explained.

Thanakh clicks on file icon a couple of times, then hits (sits) back on a chair.

THANAKH

Damaged!

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

Empty night street. Thanakh jumps into taxi to run to Research Institute, where he can retrieve that file.

Note 9: “…where he can retrieve the file.” I’d leave this out here. Don’t tell us what he intends to do. Keep us in the dark. Create the mystery of what he’s doing.

EXT. BEFORE GATES OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT

Sideway of RI, where there is security check.

Thanakh jumps out of taxi, running inside.

Note 10: If there is a security gate/check, how does get inside? I’d have Thanakh dropped at the gate, show his credentials to security, and walk to the building.

INT. LOBBY OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT

Thanakh runs inside.

SECURITY GUY

In a hurry?

THANAKH

File doesn’t open.

Goes on his way.

INT. OFFICE – NIGHT

Dark desolated office.

Thanakh switches comp on, opens file, an attempts to print it, but printer is lacking paper.

INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT

Thanakh unlocks wall cabinet, searching for printing paper.

Voice at the back.

NIGHT GUARD (O.S.)

What are you doing in here?

THANAKH

And you?

Thanakh turns around to face Night Guard. Night Guard drops gun down.

NIGHT GUARD

Ahh, this is you!

THANAKH

Don’t play on my nerves, don’t stay at my back.

Guard walks away down the corridor.

Thanakh pulls out box with paper, and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy.

Note 11: I get the impression Thanakh is nervous about what he’s doing. And you add good tension having the guard catch him. But the line “…and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy,” is confusing. I don’t know what you mean.

There is some weakness in the way he walks down the dark corridor, illuminated only by blue light out of windows. As if he is an expected pray and is doomed.

Shouts to his back.

THANAKH

Hey!

Night Guard doesn’t turn, instead making pacifying gesture with his hand, still holding weapon down. And continues his relaxed night walk.

Note 12: Thanakh calls to the guard, obviously concerned about something, but he doesn’t pursue the guard? I’d have him notice the guard’s strange walk to intrigue us, but then get him back to work. And I’d leave out the line “…he is expected pray and is doomed?” Keep us wondering.

INT. OFFICE – NIGHT

Thanakh continues on files, as radiophone beeps. It prints in red dots on small display ‘I LOVE YOU’. This is message from Kiat.

Thanakh continues to work. And falls asleep right there at the desk.

Note 13: I understand that Thanakh is tired, but the way you write him falling asleep seems too quick. I’d focus on the radiophone message first, then show Thanakh asleep as his desk, missing the message.

INT. ALARM MAN’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Alarm works. Man jumps from bed.

Note 14: The slug line should read INT. BEDROOM – MORNING. Otherwise, we’re inside the alarm and not the bedroom. And you may want to give the man an identity or describe him to better ID him in the next scene.

INT. OFFICE – MORNING

Thanakh looks down into window, he can see this man, one of lab workers, coming. Kiat is still not there.

Note 15: How do we know Kiat’s not there? You don’t need to tell us this.

INT. CORRIDOR OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – MORNING

<s>Amid couple of others,</s> Thanakh walks down noisy corridor of Research Institute, holding his documents. He keeps glancing over them, as if suspicious over something in printout of that file.

Woman of rather small height passes him, walking at another direction. He turns after her, looking at her back.

THANAKH

Is it Anaupsh?

INT. THANAKH’S LAB – AFTERNOON

Thanakh is back after lecture.

He looks around of a couple of workers, mostly young, and girls, in white lab attires.

THANAKH

Where is Kiat?

He receives back conspicuous glances from girls around, hiding jealousy, saying silently how he is cheated over man.

Note 16: How do we know what they the girls are saying silently? We need to hear their words to understand their feelings for Thanakh.

INT. STORAGE ROOM – MORNING

Dark figures on background of day-light windows of small storage room. Anaupsh violently fights Kiat.

Note 17: If the women are silhouettes against a window, how do we know who’s fighting? And we still haven’t been introduced to Anaupsh at this point. Is she trying to kill Kiat? And does she? Introducing the reader to Anaupsh in this scene would setup a great reveal later when you introduce her to the audience through dialogue.

INT. OFFICE – AFTERNOON

Thanakh calls Kiat. She doesn’t pick it up, and he leaves a message.

THANAKH

Kiat, you weren’t at the lab today. Call me!

INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Signal of Digital Clock on the wall, its disc white on the left and black on the right, representing two Archipelagoes, to indicate global time.

ARTIFICIAL VOICE (O.S.)

TIME of MIROPOLIS has STOPPED!

Arrows holt.

Thanakh worn out rests on the sofa. Awaken by signal, he glances at his wrist watch.

Digital Display with small window on top, showing Seconds and Minutes counting extra time.

Kiat didn’t call back.

INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY

Thanakh visits Kiat’s apartment.

Comes, rings door bell.

Door nearby opens, middle-aged woman in there. Looks with a smile.

WOMAN NEIGHBOR

She doesn’t live here anymore.

Thanakh gives her questioning look.

WOMAN NEIGHBOR

She didn’t appear for two nights.

Those might be two nights they spent on the weekend! What a lie!

INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY

Note 18: Your slug line transition from Thanakh’s first visit to Kiat’s apartment to his second needs to illustrate more time. From DAY to LATER or MORNING to LATE MORNING, etc.)

Thanakh comes back, and calls the door of that neighbor. Silence, then steps.

WOMAN NEIGHBOR

What do you need?

Seeing expression on Thanakh’s face, she recalls what’s that about, and smiles, enjoying the process.

THANAKH

Did she return?

WOMAN NEIGHBOR

No, she left.

Thanakh glances back at the door.

THANAKH

Did she gather her stuff?

WOMAN NEIGHBOR

Yes.

She’s perceptibly lying.

INT. KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY

Kiat’s one-room apartment, with shadowed windows, neatly kept, but few things, bearing signs of her leaving at the morning. Open door of a closet. Jumper thrown on the bed.

Entrance door cracks, pressed from outside. Lock gives in.

LATER

Note 19: You don’t need to show a LATER transition here.

A couple of policemen under chief, accompanied by Thanakh.

POLICE CHIEF

Women leave.

THANAKH

She didn’t pick up any of her clothes.

POLICE CHIEF

Do you have in mind, where she could go?

THANAKH

No. She needs to show up at her working place!

POLICE CHIEF

Maybe, she flied across the boundary?

THANAKH

Without clothes, money, and documents?

Police Officer looks around apartment, as if searching for the answer, but missing it.

INT. AUDITORY – DAY (AUDITORIUM)

Crowd of RI workers sits in ascending rows, under bluish-colored wall. Every face is distinct.

Thanakh stands some distance before them, lecturing.

THANAKH

We have here conditions for working on science, on our subject. These conditions are supposed to be comfortable, so that we could address, occupy, dedicate to our ongoing researches, working and learning. This is a place for juniors and interns to get education. I would confess how I mostly am connected to the research of my lab I’m a head of. And maybe paying not enough attention, or not follow closely enough what is ongoing at jointed labs. Still, I am genuinely aggravated that no one pays attention at a fact person has disappeared. If someone would work day after day for a period, short or long, I would at least ask the question, where is he going, or where did he went? We’ve got so many lab workers. I personally cannot keep track of all of them. But I cannot mark not who is present at my own lab who’s absent, because I need’em. How come no one questions Kiat’s absence? She was working on regular basis non-stop, dedicating to research and education, like all of you. And honestly, friends, I just don’t understand your indifference!

Note 20: I would break up this speech with shots of the students in their chairs listening intently to Thanakh.

Thanakh stops with an air of translucency.

ALARM MAN

I’ve seen her that day.

Everyone looks at him. Man gets awkward.

ALARM MAN

I could’ve make a mistake. It was still dark then.

THANAKH

Did someone else disappear?

ADMINISTRATOR

Few people took leave from us.

THANAKH

Who are these?

ADMINISTRATOR

These are such, such, and such…

THANAKH

Did they submit documentation?

Administrator hesitates.

ADMINISTRATOR

It seems to me, I’ve seen one of it.

INT. RESIDENTIAL – DAY

Note 21: This slug line may need to be explained. Residential is too non-descipt.

Thanakh comes by the address of one of men who took leave.

Thanakh rings the bell. Door nearby opens. Man and woman behind it, sober faces.

THANAKH

Did he reappear in here?

MAN

He left, not showing up.

Woman speaks, deeply offended.

WOMAN

We lived nearby of him for two years, he left not saying goodbye.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Middle-aged man talks quickly to Thanakh, leaning across table. He’s desperate. His face red and white from emotion. Hopelessness in his eyes deep, as a precipices.

DISTURBED MAN

My wife had disappeared. Please, look for her!

Shows a picture, a photograph. Desperate. Photo trembles in his shaking hands.

DISTURBED MAN

Here, please, take a look. She was working for you.

Thanakh dismisses him with calm gesture.

THANAKH

She probably was killed. Few people disappeared here. Don’t come in here anymore!

Note 22: Why does Thanakh dismiss the Disturbed Man? Especially if he is concerned about Kait disappearing? He should be growing more concerned with each new missing person.

INT. SOCIAL SERVICES – EVENING

Thanakh is waiting to see an officer. He looks street side via window. Changes his mind, and walks away.

EXT. STREET PHONE BOOTH – DAY

Thanakh walks past long wall with slogan ‘WEST is ADVANTAGE. GET SEPARATION’ on it in huge letters.

At the start of slogan, huge photograph of smiling with assurance male is cut vertically on two equal parts.

Thanakh reaches phone booth, and dials his number.

RECEPTIONIST

ORGANIZATION. Officer in charge speaking.

THANAKH

This is Thanakh.

RECEPTIONIST

And what is your report?

THANAKH

No. No report. Actually, I just want ask you something.

RECEPTIONIST

We don’t give answers here. This line is for report. Till next time!

Line disconnects.

Note 23: This is a great bureaucrat’s line. Typical government.

Final Thoughts:

FIRST PAGE: Your new world description engages us to want to know more. And the image the judge/grandfather intrigued me. I want to know more about him.

INCITING INCIDENT: Kiat fighting with Anaupsh in the storage room. Having a main character disappear and/or die early is a good way to grab and audience.

You have the making of an interesting story. People missing in another world. You setup good twists and reveals that keep us guessing about Kait’s fate. And you show us Thanak’s concern for her very well. I’d like to know about their relationship and see them together a little more. I’d like to know more about their world.

I’m also not sure what Thanakh does. I’d like to more about his scientific work with Kait, especially if it leads to her disappearance.

I had a few problems with language, but that can be corrected by keeping the writing tight and shortening some of the longer sentences. Some parts of your script narrate the story like a novel rather than having the characters advance the story with dialogue. Narration should describe their actions, but the audience needs to hear the characters tell the story.

I think this is a very good beginning. Your story kept me interested. I want to know Kait’s fate and why she and Anaupsh were fighting. I’d love to know more about the laboratory, their work, what was wrong with the security guard, everything. You created some good setups, and I’m intrigued to see them revealed.

Nice work.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Critique of Cameron Martin’s First 10 pages (V.2)

pg. 1

EXT. SPACE

A NEBULA in the visage of snarled teeth glitters RED.

Note 1: This is nice imagery. I can see the nebula rising up into space.

A green PLANET sails through the vast black between the stars.

Note 2: “Planet sails through…” Is the planet moving? Or are we moving toward the planet?

EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT

Acid rain SHOWERS a grey windowed slab, with spires of black clouds mixing with the green skies above. A massive ship sleeps next to the structure.

Note 3: Reminds me of the mining colony in Aliens.

INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT

Walls once white are COATED in splotches of maroon BLOOD.

SCREAMS and GUN BLASTS argue over each other as…

Note 4: More good imagery. “…argue over” is a great description. That caught my eye.

SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his twelve year old son, Isaiah, and a baseball bat with two electric nail guns taped to the end. – Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.

Note 5: I don’t understand Sully’s description. He’s keeping Isaiah quiet while saving his son’s life. But we see him in an action in the next pages. I’d like to “see” Sully here. Is he bloodied, wounded, exhausted, etc.

Meanwhile, Isaiah, kicks against Sully.

ISAIAH

(coughing)

You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!

A man dressed in a TACTICAL SPACE SUIT runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises a futuristic SHOTGUN.

Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…

Grips his bat with both hands…

And SWINGS it into the head of the spaceman…

Leaving two nails EMBEDDED into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent SKULL.

Note 6: This might be more gripping if you describe the nails going onto the man’s head – (i.e., Two nails DRIVE through his helmet into his SKULL.)

Isaiah struggles to catch his breath, whooping from every expulsion of air.

Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.

pg. 2

SULLY

Believe it or not, I’m trying to save you. The least you could do is make it easy!

Isaiah coughs harder, his mouth opening wide with unnatural fervor.

Isaiah clutches his hand to his mouth, straining against the pain.

ISAIAH

It’s not my fault that I’m going to die!

Note 7: I remember from previous readings these characters have a strained relationship. But Sully complaining to Isaiah “The least you could do is make it easy!” seems harsh for a father to say to his dying son. It sounds like his son is a nuisance. I think “I’m trying to save you,” is all you need to say here. It’s more powerful.

SULLY

(convincing himself more than his son)

You’re not going to die!

Sully, reigning himself in.

SULLY

I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.

A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.

SULLY

(to Isaiah)

Please, let me save you, now.

Note 8: Sully asking his son’s permission to save him is a good line. I think it works well with my Note 7 suggestion.

SPACEMAN

Over here!

The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.

Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.

ISAIAH

My mouth is coming out! It hurts! It hurts really, really bad.

Note 9: This line is great! It’s gross enough to make us wonder what’s happening to Isaiah.

SULLY

I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.

He ducks down and runs into another room…

Note 10: Do you need a SLUG LINE here to note their location?

Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…

pg. 3

And hides behind a kitchen counter.

ISAIAH

Dad?

SULLY

(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)

Shhh.

The spaceman pads into the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him, shuffle-stepping.

Sully rips the saran wrap, makes an incision in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.

Note 11: This one’s a little picky. But you might want to wrap the Saran Wrap around the pot first then cut a hole in it. Saran Wrap is a bitch to play with.

Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

Shhh, shhh.

ISAIAH

I wish I was normal.

SULLY

You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.

A shot gun BLASTS!

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

Note 12: This is a great opening. This scene is obviously taken from later in the script and leaves us wondering 1) how Sully and Isaiah came to their plight and 2) what will happen to them. It’s a good cliff hanger moment.

INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT

Sully WIDE AWAKE…

Fixated on a portrait of Beth smiling, HAPPY.

He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE. A VOID where his wife should be.

Note 13: I’m not sure I understand your use of CAPS here. Capitalization usually indicates camera focus and/or sound. (i.e., a PORTRAIT OF BETH smiling, happy.) If this is style, ignore this note.

pg. 4

SUPERIMPOSE: 18 HOURS EARLIER…

The alarm clock reads 3:14.

Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait, before shambling to…

THE BATHROOM

The portrait stands next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.

SULLY (V.O.)

Good morning, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. The boy’s like an albino crow, now.

SULLY’S ROOM

Sully gets dressed in scrubs.

SULLY (V.O.)

Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.

KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM

Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.

pg. 5

SULLY

He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…

Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.

SULLY

We miss you.

And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.

Note 15: This was a good way of describing Sully’s loneliness, the loss of his wife, and his relationship with Isaiah. He’s obviously keeping an audio journey of his emotions, which smacks of his boredom. It also gives us insight into Isaiah struggles when Sully says, “We miss you.”

INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING

The GLITTER OF DAWN trickles into the room from a window.

KZZT. KZZT. The same window malfunctions, struggling to depict a world beyond the walls of the space colony.

A twelve year old boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed.

An uncomfortable time passes…

Note 16: Again, this is picky. But why is it an “uncomfortable” time? As opposed to a “long” time?

Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…

Unleashing a CASCADE of Rube Goldberg MECHANISMS across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him…

Note 17: Showing us the kid’s smart hints at a future need for his genius that comes later in the script. Nice.

KITCHEN

Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.

SULLY (V.O.)

Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—

Isaiah CRUMPLES the paper and TOSSES it in the trash can.

He stews…

Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…

ISAIAH’S ROOM

Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers from Dad. He closes the drawer.

Note 18: You show Isaiah’s love-hate for his father this moment.

CLINK.

Isaiah looks under his bed.

ISAIAH

Hold on little buddy.

pg. 6

Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, A GLASS TANK. Some THING SLITHERS, its form undefined.

Note 19: Keeping some THING hidden under his bed alludes to a future danger and tells us, regardless of his genius, Isaiah’s still a kid with a kid’s fascination.

INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – CONT. – DAY

Note 20: I don’t think you need to say CONT in the slug line. It’s another place and time.

A perfectly calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots.

No sign of any possible incident.

NOTE 21: If there’s “no sign of possible incident,” why mention it? Why describe what’s not happening?

INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY

A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.

DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out of a room where a teenager’s busy COUGHING up a lung.

He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.

DR. DOUGLAS

Sounds terrible.

DR. MICK

Don’t you start.

DR. DOUGLAS

Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.

DR. MICK

Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.

DR. DOUGLAS

So, nothing to be concerned with?

Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position.

DR. MICK

Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all.

Note 22: If Dr. Douglas agrees with Dr. Mick, why is Dr. Mick defending his position. You might want to add a little more conflict between them, even if they’re on the same page as colleagues.

pg. 7

A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.

Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…

THE TEENAGER’S ROOM

MOM

You’re not his doctor! You have no right!

Note 23: You might want to give us a brief description of the irate mom.

Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…

Sully, readying a BRONCHOSCOPE.

DR. MICK

Get away from my patient!

SULLY

You haven’t checked him today.

DR. MICK

I checked him yesterday you egotistical—

SULLY

That was yesterday, Mickey.

DR. DOUGLAS

Dr. Sullivan—

SULLY

If he’s infected—

DR. DOUGLAS

It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.

SULLY

Mickey’s not doing his job.

DR. MICK

Not doing my-You’re not even a real physician! You missing an opportunity to work with tools for a living—

SULLY

I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain just told me to go for the bigger number.

Note 24: I don’t understand the last lines here. “You missing an opportunity…” and “I saw one number for building state sets…” Mick is insulting Sully, and Sully is being sarcastic, but the lines seem awkward to me.

(grabbing the gas mask for the teen)

And your son could kill us all if he’s infected.

pg. 8

MOM

(shoving Sully away)

He’s not infected!

SULLY

If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch!

Note 25: Calling the mom a “selfish bitch” makes me like Sully less. She’s just panicked and protecting her son.

MANAGER (O.S.)

Sully! My office! Now!

Sully grips the bridge of his nose.

Note 26: Why does he grip his nose? Is he insulting somebody? I don’t think you need this line. “My office! Now!” then cutting to the office is a good transition.

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY

The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.

SULLY

Sir, if I may—

MANAGER

Just a second.

Sully watches his boss flip through the stack with the ABPLOMP of a card dealer.

MANAGER

One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?

SULLY

It’s the total pop—

MANAGER

It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?

SULLY

It’s based on—

MANAGER

Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.

Note 27: This is a good verbal brawl, but the manager’s last line “The Hegemony owns…” is a very long line. An actor may have a hard time saying it in one breath. You might want to cut this into two sentences.

pg. 9

SULLY

You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.

MANAGER

It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.

SULLY

How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?

MANAGER

You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!

SULLY

I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—

MANAGER

Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—

SULLY

Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!

Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.

MANAGER

Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.

Note 28: Again, this is picky. But the line “Many have,” might be better expresses at “We all have.” This would add depth and emotion to Sully’s manager.

pg. 10

SULLY

Sir?

MANAGER

If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.

Note 29: Is the manager threatening to have the Hegemony take “away” Isaiah and relieve Sully?

(grabbing his desk phone)

So, what’s it going to be?

Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.

SULLY

You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy.

The Manager smiles, glee with victory.

SULLY

But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.

MANAGER

Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, I don’t think you understand. So, you see Sul…

He begins dialing…

MANAGER

This hurts me more than it does you.

WAAAAIIIILL! The SIREN rips their attention away from each other!

MANAGER

Meeting adjourned.

Both men make a break for the door.

Manager CUTS in front of Sully and barricades the door.

MANAGER

This isn’t over.

Note 30: The manager first says “Meeting adjourned” then says “This isn’t over.” Which is it? That’s confusing.

Sully DRILLS the Manager’s JAW, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!

SULLY

(jumping over his boss)

I hope you’re right.

Note 31: I don’t understand the last line. Right over what?

FINAL THOUGHTS: This is a great opening. You create a lot of setups that need to be revealed and leave us wondering about Sully and Isaiah’s future. The other boy’s infection somehow connects to the THING Isaiah’s keeping under his bed, but you create enough mystery to keep us reading to find out.

Your FIRST PAGE battle grabs us quick. The imagery of blood on the walls, and the sounds of gunfire and screaming are extreme. The TWIST on page 3, leaving us wondering who gets shot – though I suspect it’s not our heroes – was also good.

I assume the INCITING INCIDENT was the threat to have the Hegemony take Isaiah away from Sully. And his journey is to protect and keep his son.

You’re writing is very judicious. One-line descriptions with action. You move the script forward very fast. I read down and not across. That’s good. It makes your script a fast read and easy to understand.

Your First 10 Pages are very good. Congratulations.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hey Cam

Would you like to exchange critiques. I’ve been struggling with my open and would appreciate your comments.

Thanks,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Great! Thanks! I’ll dig into your second version right away.

PS – When are we supposed to post on the Day 7 forum?

[Dana Abbott]

Lisa

Would you like to exchange critiques? I posted my 10 pages yesterday. I’ve been struggling with my opening, and would appreciate your comments.

Thanks,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Anita

Thanks for your critique. You’re right. The back and forth gets confusing. It needs to be cut and dry. The two characters William and Ryan are occupying the same space and time, but they need to be more defined. And I have changed William’s motivation base on the class. The script doesn’t match the concept. I probably shouldn’t have included it. My next draft will make the changes.

I have also been thinking of your script. I forgot Danica and Cyrus’ affair was illicit. But that adds to the tension. If one or the other doesn’t recuse themselves, they can both get in trouble. One can blackmail the other. Does the opposition find out? Does Cyrus extort her to quit? Does she extort him so she can stay in the case? This element adds great suspense to the script. Have fun with it!

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Anna

Yes. Love to hear your opinion. I’ll give your concept a read tonight and get back tomorrow.

Thanks

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Michael

I’ve read your script concept several times. I kept waiting for Waldo’s hero’s story to unfold, and not until I read where he kills an innocent person and escapes, did I realize this was the villain’s story. This is the Joker. Once I understood your concept, I read it a third time. This is a wild story, a Bond movie from the villain’s perspective.

In the opening, Waldo has an emotional epiphany when he kills an ant. I understand the concept that all life matters, but given that I spray for ants every spring, I didn’t connect to his emotion. If he were to accidentally kill an insect of beauty or grace, a caterpillar/butterfly or preying mantis, I think this scene would have a stronger impact and help the audience to understand his remorse.

At the end of Act 1, you state that Waldo has becomes a megalomaniac due to the trauma of the accident. Does he do something in Act 1 to lead us to that conclusion? Does he harm someone? Or threaten to harm someone? I think we may need to visual his megalomania before he meets Imelyna so we understand the potential danger he poses to her and the world.

I can see Waldo’s turn to evil in Part A and B. The supervillain with the master plot. The rest of the story unfolds as would be expected to the conclusion Waldo believing he’s God.

The only question I have is about Imalyna. Is she Waldon’s love interest? Or is she his partner? And why, in the final conflict, wouldn’t she want to go with him into space to achieve their goal together, considering she’ll be wanted by authorities for helping him? I’d like to see more of her character through the script. She’d be an interesting character to develop.

I think you have a bold idea with strong metaphors about climate change and global warming, and if written and produced right, could be an impactful film.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Michael

Sure. I’d enjoy sharing critiques.

I’ll give your concept and read and get back ASAP

Thanks,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Anita

I’ve read your script and the critiques from Cam and Lisa, and I will try not to repeat some of their ideas and comments.

I like the ironic twists in your story, the family intrigue between the three characters and how their paths keep crisscrossing. The conservative family man having an affair, Danica arguing for anti-abortion even though she kept her baby. My only suggestion regarding the subject matter is to be careful. You’re touching on a very controversial subject. Some of the producer interviews I’ve listened to and watched warn writers that scripts with political and/or religious views have difficulty finding a home. But the way you’re structuring your story, focusing more on the characters and using the subject matter as a subplot, works well.

I also agree with Lisa about your endings. When you think the story ends, you have a another ending, the another. But please, do not follow the example of The Lord of the Rings with 10 endings! Three is good.

There is, however, one error in your story that jumped out at me from my law classes days. Danica would not be allowed to argue her case in front of her ex-husband judge. It’s too big a conflict of interest. Cyrus would have to recuse himself from the case. Even if Danica were to remove herself as primary counsel and become an advisor, Cyrus could still not be the judge. Especially if they have a contentious relationship. One side or the other would make that argument, which might be a good plot twist (i.e. Cyrus fights to remain judge in the case even though he can’t by law. It would emphasis to his corrupt nature).

I like Harley and assume, by her plan, that you develop her sociopathic character throughout the script. I would be interested to read how she develops.

I think you have a great concept. And from your writing, I hear your voice and passion for the project.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Anita

Love to exchange. I posted my synopsis and last 10 pages of my script. Please, don’t read both. Choose whichever you like. I’ll give yours a read over coffee in the AM. Looking forward to reading your script synopsis.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Cam –

FYI – This is where I found some information on nail guns. I watched the YouTube video. Scroll through to it find the place where he fires the nail gun by pulling back the safety.

https://www.suecoletta.com/on-writing-fiction-how-to-use-a-nail-gun-like-a-firearm/

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Cam

Thanks for the review. Great points. And I agree, I need to change Ellen’s repetitive dialogue. Some of if is placeholder until I think of something better.

And William’s motivation isn’t strong, either. I had a hard time with this. First, I tried to have Ellen work William toward suicide, making it his decision. Then I have her asking him for his help to save her children. Then he’s suicidal again. It was my first run, but I need to make everyone’s motivations clearer. Ellen needs to be more cutthroat.

Thanks again.

[Dana Abbott]

Cam –

I enjoyed reading your story. The action is fast and hectic. And the characters sound authentic in this situation. Their dialogue is a mix of panic, frustration, and humor. I assume you describe the worms in earlier scenes, but I have a good idea of their size, shape, and intent. The description of Sully nearly infected is good. It reminds me of the scene in King Kong where the bugs are eating the men. It’s gross enough to make an audience queasy.

Your relationship between Isaiah and Sully is good, a father and son at crossroads regarding the boy’s mother. I take it she was killed earlier. And Jude is great. The pistol-packing granny Lisa described in her critique. And when it’s discovered Jude is infected and put down by Sully, that was gripping.

From Jude’s description, I assume this is the first time she’s introduced. Though, I would have liked to have seen more of her. She seems like a great character to explore.

The line “Get the flock out of here” has been used in other movies. It may be a placeholder, and an original line would make this moment more poignant.

The Batman description was a little odd to me. I think I would like to have read something a more descriptive. It’s the BACK ROOM in JUDE’S APARTMENT. Batman’s lair is a huge cave. How big is an apartment back room? A garage/workshop with tools might work better.

I also couldn’t picture the nail gun/baseball bat. I understand how Sully used it, but I couldn’t picture it in my head. A battery-powered nail gun fires like a real gun. I watched a YouTube video. Just a suggestion.

And when Jude says, “Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose!” is she telling Sully to get out of the way? Not sure.

In the LIVING QUARTERS scene, you wrote the line – Sully searches the nigh incapacitated Jude for a syringe. I think you intended – Sully searches incapacitated Jude for a syringe.

And Jude’s line “I just wanted it to end something different,” didn’t make sense to me. Is she wanting to die? Is she remembering something?

Overall, the scene is great, beginning to end. It moves fast and ends tragically. I feel for Jude in the end. And I understand the relationship between father and son, with Sully wanting to protect Isaiah having lost his wife. And the son’s fascination with the worms was a good way to place them in more danger. He’s trying to help the way a kid would think.

Great job! Looking forward to the final script.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Cameron

That’d be great. Thanks. I’ll read your V3 and get back ASAP.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Anita –

This family rings true! I knew a family like this. The husband and wife led separate lives, just like Cyrus and Karen. They have divergent interests. His work and her shopping. It’s a great scene.

Patrick is a good reflection of his parents’ lack of interest their family. Neither one is concerned about Patrick other than how he impacts them. Lazy, entitled, and more interested with TV than the argument. His leaving the room to avoid the conflict is perfect. His anti-social behavior is his way of punishing his parents.

There is a lot beneath the surface you can explore here:

Did Cyrus and Karen want to have Patrick? It seems like they’re so self-absorbed they wouldn’t what children. Especially if Cyrus pushed Danica to have an abortion. And does Patrick know it?

And did Cyrus seek a physical relationship with Danica because of his failed relationship with Karen? I can see his affair with Danica being one-sided, that she fulfills his sexual needs — the same way Karen did — until she gets pregnant. He’s repeating the same narcissistic pattern.

This is a family in a hell of their own making.

June makes some very good points, too. This is a rich area to explore.

This sounds like a great drama. It’s probably fun to write, too. Good luck. I’ll be interested to see where you take the story.

Dana

PS – I do have one hint. Your scene starts with Cyrus in his office (INT. CYRUS HOME – EVENING) and moves to Patrick watching TV without changing the location.

You may want to identify scene location to help the reader/producer. For example –

INT. HOME OFFICE, CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING

Cyrus is in his home office going over case files. He’s distracted by SCREAMS AND LOUD SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC coming from the other room.

He gets up, annoyed, to check out the blaring interruption.

INT. LIVING ROOM, CYRUS’S HOUSE – EVENING

Cyrus’ son, PATRICK, age 15, is propped on his elbows watching a particularly gruesome scene from some slice-and-dice horror movie.

[Dana Abbott]

Anita

That you for your critique. I’m always second guessing myself. And your review is very encouraging. Thank you.

The William character is the man at the beginning of the script who attempts suicide during his session with Ellen. We don’t learn his name until the detective begins his investigation, so when Ellen brings him out, the audience understand her intentions.

I am currently reading your scene. I’m going to read all the versions and the critiques and I should have something for you in about an hour or so.

Thanks again for your help.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Anita

Thank you for your help. I appreciate your critique. I’ll be glad to review your script tomorrow and share my opinion.

My scene is rather long. It’s the first draft of the final conflict/dialogue between characters. I will cut in other characters and scenes at appropriate moments, but I needed to get the conversation done first.

I don’t expect a detailed review. Just an overall impression is fine. And thanks again.

[Dana Abbott]

Anita

Thanks for the critique. I make a mistake in my set-up regarding the 5 minutes. This scene takes place one year post the shooting. But it takes place in the first 10 minutes of the film during the normal world set-up. I also appreciate the spell check, too.

And you’re right about the owner/manager conversation. It’s a bit boring and on the nose. This is a first draft with a partial rewrite from my original opening. It needs a complete rewrite down the road. I’m still not sure about this intro. I may change it again. It gets me where I want to go for now.

Thanks again for the help.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Anita

Thank you for helping. It’s SFPD. And you’re right. I needed to describe the action in the room as Phil barks orders, which I’ve done. It gives the scene more urgency. I’m going to reread the scene once more and then post again.

Thanks again,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dana’s Critique of Anita’s Scene

Hi, Anita

I went through the Boldness Skill Mastery list in reviewing the scene. I think you employed the skills very well, especially in these moments:

Anticipatory Dialogue –

1) Create reputation for villain – Harley’s snide remark about the villain being an organ donor creates a posthumous reputation.

2) Strange silence – Danica is silent when she realizes Harley is her daughter, adding to tension.

Suspense –

1) Impending crisis – The TV anchor describes the suspect’s car (I presume the car belongs to either Harley or Danica). This creates the possibility of a crisis, though we’re left hanging by the end of the script.

2) Opportunity is presented – Harley becoming Danica’s daughter

3) Someone they love – Harley is Danica’s daughter

4) Inaction because of fear – Danica is speechless in her realization

Hooks –

1) Deeper understanding of known info – Danica understanding Harley is her daughter.

2) Reversal if known info – I presume Danica knew Harley earlier in the story, but she did not know they were mother and daughter.

Uncertainty – (Hope/Fear)

Does Danica hope Harley is her daughter? If so, is becoming ashen when looking at “the stranger before her” the fear?

Vivid Visual and Emotional Description

The description of Danica waking up in the hospital and peeling back the bandage revealing the “red angry trail of stitches was very good. I could see that clearly.

The “Nothing but confused” line is a little awkward. I’d simply say she’s confused or describe an emotion to convey her confusion. “What the hell?”

And “Just then – Harley walks in” might be better said “Harley walks in…” It’s more of a surprise.

You describe Harley’s flippant attitude and creepy laugh well, too. I could see her without a care in the world. Her organ donor remake instills complete indifference toward the villain, and a bit of a sadistic nature.

Overall, it was a fun read. My only comment would be to expand on Danica’s realization that Harley is her daughter. It’s good, but it may happen a little fast. I’m not sure if her realization is a good thing or a bad thing. If it’s a good thing, I suggest a little more joy. But if it’s a bad thing, maybe a little more fear.

Congratulations. It was a good final scene.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Anita

Love to.

Should I read version 1 or an updated version?

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Dev

Thanks again for your encouragement. I only learned about the amnesia condition of DID patients a couple of weeks ago. I got lucky that it fit my story.

I read version 3 of your script. I think the dialogue between the characters is stronger in this version. And your opening is better with Clay hiding his cleanup. That makes sense.

The moment where Clay tells Emmy to get out of his site works, too. That Emmy thinks he means to leave the room only to then realize he means to leave the home is much stronger.

I only have one suggestion about the baby reveal. Given how you’ve writing the scene, I assume Hanna knows about the child and that Clay is only just finding out. It feels like things happen here a little fast. Clay learns Emmy is having a baby and that father is black.

A “traditional” man like Clay – for the lack of a better term – may not appreciate his daughter having a child out of wedlock. He seems to accept this news a little too quick

If you stretch the moment just a little, with Hanna massaging Clay to come to grips with Emmy having a baby – giving Clay’s statement that “Children are a blessing” to Hanna – and then have Emmy drop the bombshell that the father is black, I think you’d build the conflict and the tension. From a cross burning to a baby and then to the baby being black is one straw too many for Clay.

Just a thought. I hope it helps.

And thanks again for your help.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Cam

This was a great read. It was fast paced and kept my interest all the way through. Just a few thoughts.

Apollo’s accent was a little hard to understand sometimes. I had to reread his lines a few times to understand what he was saying. A screenwriting instructor, years ago, advised me not to write an accent into dialogue, but rather, tell the reader the character has an accent (i.e., Irish, Russian, Latin, etc. ) and write normally. Allow the actor to interpret the accent.

The ending was also a little confusing. I had to read it again to understand that Markus killed Apollo, if I have that right. It’s a surprise, which was great, given Markus’ beliefs. But I don’t know what really happens to Apollo. Is he vaporized, charred, dead on the ground? Not sure.

I think the line “His eyes will his friend back to life” is what may have confused me.

Other than this, it was a great read. Very good.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dev

This is a great scene. Lots of tension and conflict within the family. It’s a good use of triangulation between a father’s pride, the mother’s unconditional love for her child, and the daughter’s fear of her parents’ rejection.

And Hanna suggesting “Bullets through the window” creates the anticipation of escalating violence that may come later. That creates the future of the scene. That was good.

I only have two observations.

1) At the beginning, if his neighbor were to completely ignore him and say nothing in response to his greeting, it might add tension and frustration to Clay that his community is shunning him.

2) When Clay tells Emmy to leave after asking the question “You
know who I am, and you did this anyway?” seems a little abrupt. After the question, a silent pause in the argument where his family watches Clay’s anger build, would create tension. Not knowing what he’s going to say or do until he finally explodes and tells Emmy to “Get out of my house” would be a good extreme reaction.

These would be my only suggestions. Otherwise, this is a very good give-and-take between characters.

On a side note, were you able to figure out the dilemma you were having with the transition or switch between your two characters?

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Cam

Sure. I’m a little behind the group on this. Is there a version you would prefer that I read? Or should I read version 1?

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Dev

Thanks. I appreciate the feedback.

I used the word “Developing” because the MAN character is actually Jason, the DID patient, who’s developing another personality. Ellen is talking to William, one of Jason’s personalities who becomes important later in the script. Ellen doesn’t know she’s treating a DID patient, and believes William is the real patient. We learn later this is a failed suicide attempt.

In researching DID patients, I found that an “alter” – as they’re called – can have suicidal feelings without the host patient’s knowledge or awareness, which plays into Ellen’s solution down the road.

This is also one of two openings I’m considering. I may open the film from the antagonist’s perspective with another victim, and then lead into Ellen’s story. Though I’m leaning toward this opening as it plays into the story later.

But I understand what you’re saying. This was a first run through. It needs clarity, and I think you nailed it for me. Thanks.

I’m a little behind the group on this. I’d be glad to critique your Being Dramatic piece. Which version would you prefer me to read?

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Dev

I got hour last email. I get the alternate universe idea. It’s better than switching bodies, but much more complicated. And I’ve been puzzling about it. Just to play around a little:

Rather than having one story follow the other (i.e. Clay falling asleep and waking up as Lincoln) have their lives running parallel to one another with the two men in conflict at the beginning. Clay the racist and Lincoln the peacemaker until the midpoint when the alt-universe happens via the building storm. Clay slowly evolves into the peacemaker and Lincoln into the racist until the climax when they finally see themselves.

I really like the idea, and I hope you figure out how to get where you want to go.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Dev

Thanks for your critique of First Time Caller. I have gone back and forth about introducing the husband and children at the beginning. I may write it both ways to see how it works. One of the reasons I didn’t include the family at the beginning was due to budget. Working with children increases cost and time. I’ll have to see how it works. I appreciate all your insights. I’ll uses them in my next rewrite.

I really liked your concept when I first read it. The idea is a great spin on the switching stories.

Your outline has a very quick pace. It flows from beginning to end with scenes that are easy to visualize. The character interactions of both men with their respective families are strong. Clay’s childhood flashbacks give us good insight into his character without bogging down the story. And his resentment at losing power in the KKK and taking it out on the people around him adds to his character’s downfall.

The transition into Lincoln’s life and following his story for the remainder of the script was also a good way to demonstrate the different lives of both men. Showing him being pushed into a darker direction by Clay until the final conflict was also good.

From your concept, however, I expected Clay to wake up knowing he was in Lincoln’s body and begin to see life through a black man’s eyes. I kept waiting for him to realize he was Lincoln and vice versa.

I understand the ending is meant to be a surprise for both men and the audience. But if Clay is the Grand Dragon and Lincoln the peacemaker, and they flip, why don’t the personalities flip? Clay still behaves like Clay and Lincoln behaves like Lincoln. How do they not know they’re in different bodies?

Or am I reading this wrong? Does Lincoln just wake up with Clay’s plot to kill the Grand Dragon rather than their switching bodies? Is the ending meant as a metaphor? If they are meant to switch bodies, I think I’d like to know that sooner rather than later.

The conflict between the two men and their inner conflicts are very good. And the supporting characters give strength to the story. You have written a very good outline.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Dev

Would you like to exchange feedback about outlines? I just posted mine. I am number 10 just below.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Matthew

I read the review from Michael Katz. I agree with his critique regarding your concept, character(s), dramatic question, etc., so I won’t elaborate. I’ll concentrate on your outline.

OPENING SCENES

You tell us about the differences between rich and poor, but you don’t show us. I’d like to see scenes showing the different lifestyles between the poor on the street and the people living in the penthouses. Poor drunks on the street vs. martini drinkers watching the games in their penthouses.

The transition from the OPENING SET to the NEW OPENING SET is confusing. I don’t really understand what has happened. Is this the same day or days/weeks later with a new show? You say, “they act like the old event didn’t take place.” Who’s they? Does the show have a host?

You may also want to consider moving the list of prisoners under the INTRO caption. This was a good way to help identify the players through the script. And maybe have the host introduce them.

THE GAME STARTS

Threatening the families with bomb is a good ticking clock to motivate the prisoners. But I don’t know anything about the punishments or who the Social Media Users choose to punish. How do the prisoners fight? Are they gladiators fighting each other? Do they fight as teams? Are they given weapons? How are the rooms different from one to the next? I think these things need more clarity.

When the explosion goes off and the rebel forces storm in, why don’t they just rescue the prisoners? You may want to reconsider the rebels at this point. This could be the moment when Jocelyn explains her purpose to the other prisoners to enlist their help.

During the fighting, you describe the prisoners dying “horribly.” You may want to describe how each prisoner dies to elevate the dramatic moments. I would also like to know how and why and who the Social Medial Users are selecting for punishment in each room.

Your ending is a little confusing to me. When Alicia wakes up after her family and friends are killed by the bomb, how does she get to the authorities who are meeting with the rebels? If she’s a prisoner, is she not in custody? And why do they let her walk in? And if the rebels have been fighting to stop the games and sacrificed Jocelyn, why are they now negotiating with the authorities? And what happened to the riots? Did the authority win?

The turnabout having the authorities locked in the room and forced to fight is good. But what motivates them to fight? The ticking bomb threatening the families at the beginning was a good motivator. But what are the motivations for the rebels and authorities to fight?

You may have these questions answered in the script, but I didn’t see them in the outline.

I agree with Michael that you have a good dystopian story here. It moves from scene to scene very well and keeps the action fast paced. I think you just need to add a few more specifics to clarify your scenes.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi, Lisa

I appreciate your thoughts about my outline. You’re right, I need to be careful with Jason and how his personalities interact with Ellen. Jason is the sick patient who cannot cope with life and reality, which is why the other personalities exist. I need to better define Jason during the setup to understand why he flips back and forth.

The William and Ryan battle is also going to be tricky, given that Ryan turns out to be a separate person. Ryan is the true villain playing a sick game with Ellen, kidnapping her family and Jason to put the blame on her old patient. I’ll run through the outline one more time scene by scene and back to front.

Mary Christmas Outline – Version 1

Loved your concept. And the outline is good. It moves fast, the scenes are well defined, the character arcs and interactions create good Setup/Payoffs. I only have a few questions.

I assume in the “Mary Christmas” world that Santa is a real person, and everyone knows he exists. Otherwise, how could Peter and Tilly plot kidnap him.

But why does Santa cooperate with Peter? He seems to run with Peter and Tilly freely. Is Peter using something to hold Santa hostage? I read the script several times, but I couldn’t figure that out. Why Santa stays with Peter may need to be clarified.

Scene 2 – George Bailey Bridge

Does Mary save Peter after he jumps off the bridge? Or is this a random person to demonstrate Mary’s character? Rescuing someone even though she is afraid of heights.

The reason I ask is in Scene 26, Mary talks about saving Peter from drowning.

If Mary does rescue Peter, you might need to show some consequences for him. As a member of fire and rescue, she would have to report the incident. Or maybe she and her partner agree not to report him if he agrees to counseling.

Scene 12 – Courthouse

You have Peter threatened with jail if he doesn’t pay back taxes. But not being able to pay taxes isn’t a crime. Peter would go to tax or bankruptcy court to arrange a financial settlement. Bankruptcy, asset forfeiture, deferred taxes, a payment schedule. Unless Peter cheats or deliberately avoids paying his taxes, a court wouldn’t send him to jail.

The loss of money usually causes people to act out of desperation, and Peter’s financial losses could be enough to push him over the edge and kidnap Santa.

Scene 13 – Courtroom Hallway

Peter and Tilly argue over his idea to kidnap Santa. But how would kidnapping Santa fix his financial situation? What’s the plan? This is Peter’s character motivation, but I don’t understand its purpose.

I think you have a great idea here. I really hope it gets produced. It’s one of those movies that could play every Christmas.

Thanks again for your help,

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Matthew

I’d be glad to share critiques. I’ll print and review your outline asap.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Thanks for the critique of my SLW. You made some good points that I’ll implement into my next version. And you’re right. I tend to explain too much. I need to work on that.

I reread both versions of your Possessing Eden SLW, and you did a great job bringing the story into focus. I have a better understanding of your concept in the second version that I didn’t have in the first. I think you have everything here, but like me, you try to explain things. I think your beats need to be tightened down. But that’s just wordsmithing.

POSSESSING EDEN

A. Concept: An android in search of redemption will defy her creator by stealing the code to creating life, and fighting against the darkest of forces, including the android’s own copy.

* An android searching for redemption, an emotion usually reserved for humans, is a good twist. But to say she is “fighting the darkest of forces” is a little vague. If you tell us what she is fight for (i.e. fighting to bring the person she killed back to life and/or destroy the corrupt world of her creator) it would tell us the whole story.

B. Plot Choice: # 1 Quest

C. Character Structure: #4 Dramatic Triangle

D. Lead Characters:

1. Janus is Adam’s creation who goes in search of redemption after unintentionally killing someone when she created a copy of herself.

* This is good. But you may not need to say that she created her copy. Janus is simply seeking redemption for killing someone. Telling us who she killed may help us to understand her quest.

2. Adam is an ancient computer virus who, after developing a complex through killing various copies of himself, created his own world inspired by several religious and mythological sources. When Janus chooses to set her own path that comes in conflict with his world’s rules, he will stop at nothing to destroy his own creation before she can undo the world he’s made for himself.

* The first sentence tells us about Adam. Telling us that Adam will stop at nothing to destroy Janus is more plot than character.

3. Copy is Janus’ alter ego that resents the way she was created because that creation came at the expense of an innocent’s life. What Copy wants more than Janus’ redemption is for Janus to face justice for her actions.

* Again, the first sentence tells us about Copy. The second is Copy’s motivation for wanting to kill Janus later. You may want to insert that idea into

4. Calvex is a guide to the Underworld whose augmented voice helps to soothe the chaotic machines dwelling there. Where Adam rules through force and manipulation (something that’s rubbed off on Janus via her Copy), Calvex provides an alternative to Janus by serving those in need.

* Calvex is defined well, but you don’t need to include anything about Adam. If you eliminate the Adam comparison, it makes Calvex stronger.

E. Dramatic Question: Will Janus bring her victim back to life?

* Good. Right to the point.

F. Main Conflict: Forces of Adam (Heaven), the Underworld (Hell) and Janus’ own Copy (Guilt).

* This seems to be more a list of characters than the conflict between them. You might use the second sentence from Adam’s character here. It gives us a good idea of the main conflict.

G. Dilemma: When Janus is first offered absolution by Adam, it comes in the form of Adam wiping everyone’s memory of Janus’ victim. However, Janus chooses to chart her own path, and that dilemma continues throughout the story with other sources offering their own version of redemption and Janus having to choose between their version or the life she intends to bring back.

* I don’t think you need to say how many times she’s offered redemption. The fact that she is given a choice to give up her quest is sufficient. (i.e., Janus is offered absolution for turning against Adam and must choose to accept redemption or pursue her quest to bring back the life she has taken.) Or something to that effect.

H. Theme: We can’t heal others until we first learn to heal ourselves.

* Good. The theme is concise and something we all understand.

I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any): Guilt Ridden to Self Forgiveness. From overpowering others to lifting others up.

* Guilt to self-forgiveness is a stronger character arc. I don’t think you need the rest.

(Active) Opening – Janus saves a helpless boy from a raging robot at the intersection of the upper floors of a massive nine story tower and the underworld (the lower nine floors), and takes the boy to her creator, Adam, to give the boy eternal life. In the subsequent scenes, we learn Adam is humanity’s savior, as he created The Tower to rescue the last bastion of mankind from extinction, created beings in his own image to have dominion over the world, and isolated those Ywho wouldn’t follow him to the underworld.

* You don’t need to explain the subsequent scenes considering that you have already told us about Adam being the creator of this world in the Lead Characters.

(Note: Dominion comes in the form of “Possession,” an act where Janus and her siblings penetrate and wrap the armor of machines around them, like a cyberpunk version of a ghost going inside of and possessing a person.

The Note isn’t necessary. You can have Janus explain this in the script when the scene happens.

2. Inciting Incident – As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is invited to discover knew knowledge of the extant of her powers, and Janus, ever curious and competitive, accepts the invitation. Janus creates a copy of herself under Adam’s guidance, but, unbeknownst to her in doing so, also kills the person whose body was needed to create the copy.

* The idea that a computer virus can have a favorite child is interesting. The second sentence is perfect Inciting Incident. You don’t really need the explanation how she is invited to discover knew knowledge given her journey is discovery. (As Adam’s favorite child, Janus is invited to create a copy of herself…)

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. – Janus, with the help of her Copy, will steal Adam’s code that allowed her to be made, and venture into the underworld to use said code in order to resurrect her victim.

* This is Janus’ quest. I don’t think you need to include Copy other than she is Janus’s creation. (Janus will steal Adam’s code that she used to create Copy and venture…)

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Adam feels betrayed by Janus after she stole the code to create life but offers her absolution in the form of erasing hers and everyone’s memory of the event. Janus rejects Adam’s offer and abandons the upper floors to descend into the underworld. Adam takes Janus’ turning on him personally, prompting him to split into multiple versions of himself, who all fight each other for supremacy. The most vengeful of Adam’s copies wins and sets his sights on destroying his own creation.

* Is Janus escaping into the Underworld the Turning Point? Or is Adam splitting into multiple versions of himself to pursue Janus the Turning Point? Splitting into multiple versions is a good reaction to Janus’ escape and could a good way to lead into Act 2.

5. Mid-Point – Janus rescues Calvex, a guide to the underworld, from an execution/gladiator pit that they both escape from, as well as a wave of sentries sent by Adam. Later, however, Copy reaches out to Adam, who offers a place by his side if she can exact justice on her counterpart.

* Janus rescuing Calvex is good action but doesn’t reveal the twist in the story. Copy reaching out to Adam is a stronger Midpoint twist. I would focus on Copy’s betrayal as the Midpoint, like Cypher betraying Neo in the Matrix.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – Janus, Copy, and Calvex successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but Adam’s laid a trap that exposes Copy to a horrific and exaggerated version of her creation, and by extension the death of the individual whose body she possesses. Janus’ Copy, believing Janus is beyond salvation after seeing a curated version of her birth, as well as the realization that the resurrection of Janus’ victim is impossible with Adam, attacks Janus and tries to kill her. However, when Calvex sacrifices himself to save Janus, she becomes inspired to heal her guilt and merge with her Copy instead of killing it or succumbing to it.

* You have a lot of things happening to multiple characters here. Things get a little confusing. Why is Copy still helping Janus if she agreed to work with Adam to betray her? I realize Copy is essential to the scene, given she tries to kill Janus, but her motivations/actions need to be better explained here. Is she part of Adam’s trap?

(i.e., Janus, Calvex and Copy successfully reach the place where they can bring her victim back to life, but Adam’s laid a trap with Copy’s help, forcing Calvex to sacrifice himself…)

7. Crisis – Janus tries to upload Calvex through the Afterlife Protocol before his last breath. She succeeds, but Adam holds Calvex hostage in the form of digital code, preventing his reincarnation. Adam then declares to Janus he’ll destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”

* This is good, but it needs a slight edit. (i.e., Janus uploads Calvex into the Afterlife Protocol, but Adam blocks Calvex’s digital code, preventing his reincarnation, and declares to Janus he intends destroy the world and start anew because “that’s what gods do.”)

8. Climax – Janus, with the help of the underworld, returns to the upper floors to defeat Adam. When the moment comes for Janus to deal the final blow, Adam offers her a choice. Because her code is intertwined with his (She is made in his image), if she destroys her creator, she herself would also be destroyed. If she were to spare Adam, then she and Calvex would be allowed to leave The Tower, and explore “the real world.” Janus chooses to sacrifice herself, giving the residents of The Tower their freedom and possession of the Afterlife Protocol.

* Janus sacrificing herself to free the others is a good dramatic Climax. Again, it just needs to be tighter. (When Janus returns to the upper floor to defeat Adam, he offers her and Calvex freedom in the real world in exchange for his own life, but Janus chooses to sacrifice herself to free the residents of The Tower, etc.)

9. Resolution – The Afterlife Protocol within The Tower is free again, as are its residents. Calvex and the others living there are permitted to reincarnate and live outside of The Tower, where we see that it is simply one small building in a vast and vibrant city on another planet.

Nice resolution. Maybe reword the opening line. (i.e., With the Afterlife Protocol now in control, Calvex and the others are reincarated…)

This is a wild ride. A world within a world. I think it flows from beginning to end. It was fun to read this version. I hope my suggestions can help.

[Dana Abbott]

Kate

Thanks for hour second critique. You made some good points. The
relationship between Ellen and the detective – I really need to give the
guy a name – needs definition. I didn’t want to put too much detail in
the 9 beats. But when she collapses in his arms, I might need to add a
few more lines. As the caller tears her down emotionally, the detective
builds her up.

The ending is still confusing I agree. Again, I didn’t want to put too much detail here. Maybe a bit more. The detective is the motivator with the fact of the investigation, which are learned in the missing scenes. The 9 Beats are more focused on Ellen and the patient.

But your questions are right on. I need to figure how to implement these ideas into the Resolution.

Creating time at the end is a good idea.

The radio host can discuss what happens to Ellen, a week having gone by, to conclude her story — taking time from her show to recover with her daughters and wish her luck in her recovery — before he takes the call.

[Dana Abbott]

Kate

I think this SLW is must better explained. And you delve deeper in the the relationships between Nia and her father, and Nia and Luciana.

I only have a couple of things to suggest.

In your Dramatic Question, bringing Nia’s DQ to the forefront rather than the community’s DQ might be stronger. (i.e. Will Nia find the courage to stand up to her father and help the community save their land?)

Same for the Main Conflict. Nia must come to terms with her father.

The story is about Nia more than the community.

And in your Theme, I think just saying “Knowing the truth sets us free” is tight and to the point.

Other than these suggestions, I think you did a great job in SLW v.2.If you do another version, I’d like to read it.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Lisa

I really like this idea. Kidnapping Santa is unique.

I read your SLW. The 9 beats are on point, and the writing is tight.

I only have a couple of questions.

1) How does kidnapping Santa help Peter pay his back taxes? Is he holding Santa for ransom?

2) In the main conflict, the way it’s worded sounds like Mary doesn’t know who fathered her daughters. I understand you mean Peter, being the father of her daughters, but the wording is just off.

3) Turning at end of act 2, Mary thinks about what her life will like without Peter. In the Resolution, I learn she still loves Peter, but I don’t know that here. So why does she want a life with him at this point having already divorced him? Does that make sense? We may need to know she still loves him at this turning point.

4) At the Climax, what is the event?

I think your story has great imagination. You’re going have fun writing the script. I look forward to reading it.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Lisa.

Thanks for the critique. To answer your questions:

1) Yes, the detective has a bigger role to play. He runs the investigation and provides Ellen with support. There are scenes that will explore his character, but the beats center more on Ellen and the caller, which is why the detective seems incidental. I may need to explore him in SLW v.3.

2) Not sure what happens to Ellen. Exploring her in the Resolution may not work because…

3) It’s a trick ending. The caller at the end is a completely different person who organized the whole thing to torture Ellen. He grabbed the family and the patient and made it look like the patient was responsible, killing him at the end before the police arrive.

The last call at the end, he’s starting over with someone else.

And yes, the caller calls Ellen’s show saying “Long time listener. First time caller,” in the beginning. That’s the name of the screenplay. First Time Caller.

I read your second version, but now I see you have a third. Let me read your third, and I’ll post in a little while.

Thanks for your help. And I’ll get back soon.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Lisa

Love your idea. I laughed out loud when I read it. Would you like to exchange critiques? I just posted my second version. It’s on the second page of this forum.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Cameron

Sorry it took me so long to get back in touch. I read all your SLW’s – before and after – to determine which one I liked the best. They were all intriguing, but I believe the grand theft auto/father-daughter concept is more developed than the other stories.

I read your Discoveries and Improvements, but my critiques are based on your After 9 Beat Structures.

OPEN WIDE – AFTER AFTER

Concept: You describe your protagonist as an “infiltration specialist.” What did she infiltrate? I assume an alien invasion, but you may need to make that clearer.

Lead Characters: Your description of Jude is good, but you may want to use some of her description in your Concept. It’s very strong description of what happens.

Opening and Inciting Incidents: You don’t discuss Jude or her actions. She isn’t mentioned until the First Turning Point. I’d like to know what she is doing earlier in the plot.

Page 10: I understand what the movie is about, but not who is involved or why.

First Turning Point: Jude setting off the alarm and killing her first alien which threatens her exposure is good. Is the discovered?

Midpoint: Her child is infected with a brood mother. But what is her intent? Will she save her or kill her? I don’t know the direction she intends to take.

Second turning point: Placing her child in cyro-sleep to sneak her off the planet may be better for the Climax. I think the previous turning point (the liquidators arriving to wipe everybody out and having Jude captured by the aliens) created better conflict at this point. She must escape from the aliens to avoid being killed by the Liquidators.

Crisis: The previous Crisis (the Liquidators are preparing to kill the child and Jude somehow trapped) was much stronger.

Climax: Killing a liquidator and sneaking aboard the ship to escape is good. This where you may put her child into cryo-sleep. How does Jude kill the remaining aliens?

Resolution: Jude and her child stow away to escape the planet. Just a few questions here: Jude decides to save her child and risk another spread. But isn’t she dooming her child to another spread? And if the child is in cryo-sleep, how will they be able to stow away and for how long if the Liquidators are all on board? I think your resolution leaves a few unanswered questions that need to be ironed out.

Main Conflict: The Aliens and Liquidators. But Jude is the one in conflict with both Alien and Liquidators to save her child.

The Dramatic Question and the Dilemma are both answered, but the Theme is confusing. Is it Nature (aliens) or Mankind (Jude/child) that needs to persist?

Overall: I felt the AFTER AFTER SLW is precise and defined, but I felt your AFTER SLW had more detail to better understand the story. You may want to blend the two, leaning toward the AFTER AFTER Concept.

POSSESSING EDEN – AFTER

This SLW was too out there for me. I grasped the religious ideas of redemption and falling from grace from the upper world to the underworld, but I didn’t have a good understanding of the story. It’s a unique concept, but I felt it blended too many ideas and was a little too cryptic for me to see.

GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP – AFTER

Concept: This is your best concept. The father/daughter relationship always presents good conflict. You may want to add why the mobsters are looking for her, that she stole his Maserati, giving the reason for them to run.

The characters are good. The father being a driving instructor and the daughter being a car thief creates good opposites.

Opening Scene: The active opening introduces us to your lead character, and that she sneaks into her parent’s home, tells us the relationship. This was good.

Inciting Incident: An action sequence with a stunned father is a great idea, but you may want to add the action from Page 10 here, too. The Kid takes the dad on a ride to escape the cops.

Page 10: I’m not sure if I understand at this point, based on the Inciting Incident, the dad’s motivations to get his daughter back. I only really know now that she must run, given she’s been identified.

First Turning Point: The father forced to make a choice is good internal conflict. This may be the place where he decides to “get her back” written in Page 10. The hope of getting her back is why he doesn’t turn her into the cops.

Midpoint: This is a good twist in the story. The original mobster has a more violent boss. This elevates the consequences and what will happen to them both if they get caught.

Second turning point: The father being shot now turns the tables. The daughter must make a choice to save her father or keep running. This changes her motivations. He was saving her; now she is saving him. Good twist.

Crisis: The father bleeding out. This is a good race against time theme.

Climax: After her father dies, it may be more dramatic if she’s caught rather than turning herself in. It would add more conflict. The cops can pressure her to make a deal to help them catch the drug lord, which she’s willing to do.

Resolution: Avenging her father is good but going to prison may put her in greater jeopardy. Crime bosses control the prisons. You may want her to get away clean with a new life.

Character Arc: She accepts responsibility for her actions, I’m not sure if I saw the daughter blaming others in the SLW.

Main Conflict: The crime boss is the reason for them being on the run. But I think the main conflict is between father and daughter.

Dilemma: I’m not sure I understand this dilemma. Controlling her life, which doesn’t seem to be in control? Or wanting to fix the relationship with her father? How she’s intends to get them out of the situation she’s put them into I think is her real dilemma.

Theme: The theme that we take care of our children no matter what.

Road trips with an escape scenario make good adventures. Anything can happen. I think this is your best concept of the three. I hope you choose to write this one. Father/daughter stories with a young, leading female character should have a wide appeal.

I look forward to your next SLW and the scripting.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

June

The love story between two unpredictable personalities provides an unknown direction for the script that keeps an audience guessing. I was interested to see where you would take your story and how you’d get to the resolution.

Roy and Kim seem perfectly mismatched with their own baggage and histories that keep bringing them back together each time they push each other way, like the positive and negative ends of a magnet.

Is this a contemporary story? Or is this set in a specific year closer to the end of the Vietnam War? I’m assuming it’s closer to the Vietnam War, otherwise the characters would be late sixties or early seventies. You may want to suggest a year in your concept or opening.

You have both characters stealing cars. Are they on the run from police during this story? It’s a good way to bond them together. Kim being shot by her father, however, would require police involvement at the hospital. Does her father not get charged for shooting her? If she wanted to be rid of him, all she’d have to do is turn him in. I understand the need for them to be hospitalized to meet, but you may want to reconsider why she’s hospitalized.

Interweaving their stories to show the similarities and difficulties of their lives apart from one other is a good way to demonstrate how they need each other. And when they get too close and run away, falling back into old patterns, they realize being with each other works best and keep bringing them back together.

The lady in the hospital is a good way to bring them back together. But at the Midpoint, Roy leaves Kim, and then you have them together visiting the lady in the hospital.

I get a little confused when they’re together and when they’re apart during your beats. Are they visiting the lady at separate times?

During the first turn, Kim lands a house sitting job. Is this with a company? Because you have them at a company picnic later when Roy jumps on stage. This was a little confusing.

At end of the second turn, Roy gives Kim his heart, but then he’s in crisis and wanting to kill himself? Why? You may want Roy to learn to trust Kim in the Climax when she saves him from committing suicide. And in turn, he saves her by burning the house and her bad memories within it.

In your resolution, you have them at the lady’s bedside when she dies, which may be a down ending given everything they have been through. Perhaps you can have the owner already gone and she’s given them her home, her pets, and a new life.

I do like the story. It was crazy/quirky enough to keep me entertained to the end. I will be interested to see where you go with this.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hi June

Love to. I’ll read your SLW and get back ASAP. Love to hear your critique of mine.

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Cameron

Sure. I’d appreciate your feedback. I’ll read your SLW an get back ASAP.

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Kate

Thanks for the feedback. Rereading, I can see where the confusion might be. Ellen is the focus. We experience everything through her. The caller is heard and never seen.

I also need to explain in greater detail what happens at each beat. (i.e. the first call at the inciting incident needs to be more developed; the detective’s relationship with Ellen, his strength keeping her going to save her children, pushing the race against time; that Ellen doesn’t actually make the choice of who dies, it’s forced upon her; she has to turn against her medial ethics; etc.)

And I changed my theme. I need to change it back. How far would you go to save another?

You make some good points. It’s nice to have another set of eyes.

Thanks again. I’ll let you know when I post the revision.

[Dana Abbott]

Kate

Your maturation concept of a young daughter coming to terms with the idealized image of her father and the reality of him is a scenario people will identify. The power struggle between father/daughter is always a strong storyline.

And the idea of a beautiful landscape being turned into a landfill carries the maturation theme through the story. It mirrors Nia’s emotion for her father. The image of him (the landscape) to his ugly reality (the landfill) and which will prevail?

Nia using her acting skills to exact revenge on her father, to force him to see himself, is also a unique idea. She uses the tools at her disposal.

I only have a couple of questions to clarify a few issues.

Is Nia returning her hometown to discover her family roots? Or is this a happenstance meeting, traveling with her acting troupe? Or both?

Is the father selling his land to a landfill developer? Or is the father developing the landfill himself and being tricked into selling? I wasn’t sure who was doing what here.

I understand the community is conning the father, and Nia asks her friends/actors to pose businessmen. And the play at the end is to show him the “con,” but the deal is a little confusing to me. I had to reread that part a few times to understand it.

Everything else, the relationship between father/daughter and the community is straightforward, and the maturation idea and character arcs are good.

I would only have a couple of suggestions to consider.

The father is an SOB from beginning to end. And the resolution has Nia siding with the community and sticking it to her father before leaving with her tour.

As a member of the audience, I probably would need to see the father’s evil to feel justified that he got what he deserved. Having Luciana explain her parents’ relationship to Nia gives me the backdrop but not the visual I may need for the experience.

Nia arriving in town to rediscover her mother’s roots only to discover her father by surprise is a great twist. Would you consider having her arrive alone without her acting troupe/tour and call them later for help? This would introduce the new characters required for Act II. And when they portray businessmen, the audience would be in the dark, too. It might add another layer of intrigue/interest.

The father being the bad guy doing bad things works. The only question is whether he would ask for Nia’s forgiveness? Would losing everything at the hand of his daughter change his heart after being so bad for so long? Would someone with his greed seek forgiveness? Or would losing his fortune harden his heart even more? The reason I ask, I have experience with this kind of situation. Family lawsuits. And no one every forgave each other.

You may also want to consider what Nia might lose in the process, too. I understand she arranges for Luciana to care of her father, but no matter what, Darrogh is still her father. How does she feel after what she does? Is there an emotional price to pay?

I hope some of this helps. I think you have a great story here. I’d love to see the final version.

Dana.

[Dana Abbott]

Hi Kate

Love to exchange ideas with you.

[Dana Abbott]

Hi James

Yes. I’m still interested. Email me at my address below and we can set a time. Thanks.

danaabbott123@gmail.com

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

James

I need to partner with someone if you’re interested.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Madeleine

Great. I’ll read your your script today and get back to you soon, too.

Please feel free to be as honest and brutal as you need to be. I can take it.

Dana

[Dana Abbott]

Hello Madeleine.

My name is Dana. My genre is thrillers, too.

I just posted the first ten pages.

If you’d like to work together, please let me know.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Dana