Daniel Rangel
Forum Replies Created
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# Danny’s Dramatic Scene Transitions
# What I learned from doing this assignment is…
The biggest take-away for me has to be how valuable (and simple) transition techniques are to keep the reader engaged and entertained.
## Original
**INT. TIBZ’ OFFICE – DAY**
TIBZ Look, it’s probably for the best. No one wants to work with Darbinski anyway.
ZIMMERMAN What we need is someone who can fill in for Memenzo until he’s wrapped.
TIBZ But who do we know that’s stupid enough to do that?
RICK I might know somebody.
**INT. ALDO’S CAR – NIGHT**
As they approach the studio, they see Pepe’s belongings piled up on the sidewalk.
PEPE Oh no.
## The Question and Answer Transition.
**INT. TIBZ’ OFFICE – DAY**
TIBZ Look, it’s probably for the best. No one wants to work with Darbinski anyway.
ZIMMERMAN What we need is someone who can fill in for Memenzo until he’s done shooting.
TIBZ But who do we know that’s stupid enough to do that?
RICK I might know somebody.
**INT. OVAL PICTURES – LOBBY – DAY**
Pepe steps out of the elevator with a fresh jar of styling gel holding his hair in place.
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Danny’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…
Just being aware of how scenes can be structured and trying different ways can help bring clarity to the beat and define its function within the overall story.
What I’m trying to accomplish:
A. Ron and his goons are about to become a very real threat to Pepe.
B. Increase the conflict between Ron’s gang and Pepe.
C. Have Aldo lead Ron’s gang to Pepe.
SUSPENSE
Ron receives the security camera print out showing Aldo leaving the studio with Sandy. Aldo packs clothes, etc. Ron packs his tools of torture and place them in his briefcase. He arrives at Aldo’s apartment. Aldo grabs his bag and opens his door just as Ron and his two thugs arrive.
SUPERIOR POSITION
A security guard gives Ron’s thugs a camera print out. Aldo packs quickly in preparation to skip town. Thug #2 arrives and tells him Ron wants to speak with him immediately. We know he’s in trouble, but he doesn’t.
INVESTIGATION / HIDING
Ron investigates using his superior position while Aldo downplays his involvement and backtracks his previous statement.
## AFTER
I combined SUPERIOR POSITION and INVESTIGATION / HIDING.
19. INT. FANTASTIC DEE-LITES – CELLAR – NIGHT
Ron paces. TWO THUGS stand at a table with a large metal briefcase, a 64oz DISPENSER of personal lubricant and an emergency first-aid kit.
THUG #1 We got this from the guard you put on the payroll.
INSERT
A print out of Aldo’s license plate leaving the studio.
Thug #2 pounds his fist on the table.
THUG #2 Knew it!
KNOCK, KNOCK! Aldo enters. Thug #1 slides the emergency first-aid kit over the print out.
RON Aldo.
ALDO What’s up Ron?
RON Mm. Wanted to talk.
ALDO Sure.
RON You know about these things.
ALDO Yeah. Wish I didn’t.
RON First day of filming today. She coulda been a star, right?
ALDO She had major talent. But don’t worry Ron, we’ll take care of Cedillo’s gang.
RON Was it really Cedillo though?
Thug 1 and 2 glare suspiciously at Aldo.
ALDO I don’t follow.
RON We got some info. I don’t think Cedillo was involved.
ALDO That right? Well, I’ll see what I can find out for you.
Aldo turns for the door.
RON Why the hurry?
Thug #1 closes the door and locks it.
RON (CONT’D) Studio security says you picked up Sandy the night she got killed.
ALDO Me?
He slides the emergency kit off the print out.
RON You said you didn’t see her.
ALDO No, what I said– I picked her up and dropped her off at the hotel.
Ron wants to believe. But he knows a liar when he sees one.
RON You and Sandy had no beef, right?
ALDO Sandy? No, she was like a sister.
RON Why didn’t you bring her home Aldo?
ALDO She said she was going to rehearsals with Pep and Redmond. That I should drop her off.
RON There was no call sheet for no rehearsals Aldo.
ALDO Really? They musta–
RON How come you left her alone Aldo?
ALDO Alright, I’m gonna level with you… it was Pepe.
RON Pepe?
THUG #1 Aldo did it Ron. They were banging!
RON (to Thug #1) Careful.
THUG #2 He’s lying Ron. Just look at him. He’s scared.
THUG #1 I know it’s an unpleasant thought Ron, but most of us think she was running around on you.
RON Don’t you fuckin’ say that!
THUG #1 I’m trying to help Ron!
THUG #2 Ron. I’m sorry, but… they were banging.
Thug #1 nods.
They all look to Aldo.
RON Pin him down.
Thugs grab Aldo by the arms and throw him to the ground.
Ron opens the briefcase–
Side 1: All manner of RUBBER, ALUMINUM, GLASS and CERAMIC DILDOS.
Side 2: HORSE CROP, BULL WHIP, 17” TACTICAL KNIFE, VARIOUS CLAMPS and an JUMBO-SIZED RUBBER FIST.
Ron unsheathes the knife and slides the container of lubricant into the rubbish bin.
RON (CONT’D) On the belly. I’m going to do him the way he did my Sandy.
TCHKK!!
Ron cuts the seams out of Aldo’s pants and tosses his boxer shorts to the side.
ALDO Ron, no please don’t!
He props his phone up. It plays the sex-video he showed Pepe.
RON Is that you?
ALDO No!
RON Is that you and Sandy?
ALDO No, Ron you gotta believe me! It was Pepe, I swear it! It was Pepe!
RON (to Thug #2) Give me “The Hand of God”.
ALDO Ok, I was fucking her! You’re right about that. But Pepe’s the one who killed her! You gotta believe me!
Ron is trembling, he wants to begin the torture but curiosity gets the best of him.
RON You better start talking and fast.
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Daniel’s Meaningful Action
What I learned doing this assignment is…
By changing the scene location I was able to use what we know about the villain to increase the tension and add some humor.
===================================================================
BEFORE
===================================================================
19. INT. SUPANKINGU SUSHI – CELLAR – NIGHT
Ron paces between TWO THUGS at a table with a large metal briefcase.
Aldo enters.
RON Aldo.
ALDO What’s up Ron?
RON Mm. Wanted to talk.
ALDO Sure.
RON You know about these things.
ALDO Yeah…
RON First day of filming today. She coulda been a star, right?
ALDO She had major talent. But don’t worry Ron, we’ll take care of Cedillo’s gang.
RON Was it really Cedillo though?
Thug 1 and 2 glare suspiciously at Aldo.
ALDO I don’t follow.
RON We got some info. They had nothing to do with this.
ALDO That right? Well, I’ll see what I can find out for you.
RON Why the hurry?
Thug #1 closes the door and locks it.
RON (CONT’D) Studio security says you picked up Sandy the night she got killed.
ALDO Me?
RON You said you didn’t see her.
ALDO No, I said I picked her up and dropped her off at the hotel.
RON You and Sandy had no beef, right?
ALDO Sandy? No, she was like a sister.
RON Why didn’t you bring her home Aldo?
ALDO She said she was going to rehearsals with Pep and Redmond. That I should drop her off.
RON There was no call sheet for that night Aldo. No rehearsals either.
ALDO Really? They musta–
RON How come you left her alone Aldo?
ALDO Alright, I’m gonna level with you… it was Pepe.
RON Pepe?
THUG #1 Aldo did it Ron. They were banging!
RON (to Thug #1) Careful.
THUG #2 He’s lying Ron. Just look at him. He’s scared.
THUG #1 I know it’s an unpleasant thought, but most of us think she was running around on you.
RON Don’t you fuckin’ say that!
THUG #1 I’m trying to help Ron!
THUG #2 Ron. They were banging.
Thug #1 nods.
They all look to Aldo.
RON Pin him down.
Thugs grab Aldo by the arms and throw him to the ground. Ron opens the briefcase–
Side 1: All manner of RUBBER, ALUMINUM, GLASS and CERAMIC DILDOS.
Side 2: HORSE CROP, BULL WHIP, 17” TACTICAL KNIFE, VARIOUS CLAMPS and an JUMBO-SIZED RUBBER FIST.
Ron unsheathes the knife.
RON (CONT’D) On the belly. I’m going to do him the way he did my Sandy.
TCHKK!! Ron cuts the seams out of Aldo’s pants and tosses his boxer shorts to the side.
ALDO Ron, no please don’t!
He props his phone up playing the sex-video he showed Pepe earlier.
RON Is that you?
ALDO No!
RON Is that you and Sandy?
ALDO No, Ron you gotta believe me! It was Pepe, I swear it! It was Pepe!
RON (to Thug #2) Give me “The Hand of God”.
ALDO Ok, I was fucking her! You’re right about that. But Pepe’s the one who killed her! You gotta believe me!
Ron is trembling, he wants to begin but curiosity gets the best of him.
RON You better start talking and fast.
===================================================================
AFTER
===================================================================
19. INT. FANTASTIC DEE-LITES – CELLAR – NIGHT
Ron paces. TWO THUGS stand at a table with a large metal briefcase, a 64oz dispenser of personal lubricant and an emergency first-aid kit.
Aldo enters.
RON Aldo.
ALDO What’s up Ron?
RON Mm. Wanted to talk.
ALDO Sure.
RON You know about these things.
ALDO Yeah. Wish I didn’t…
RON First day of filming today. She coulda been a star, right?
ALDO She had major talent. But don’t worry Ron, we’ll take care of Cedillo’s gang.
RON Was it really Cedillo though?
Thug 1 and 2 glare suspiciously at Aldo.
ALDO I don’t follow.
RON We got some info. They had nothing to do with this.
ALDO That right? Well, I’ll see what I can find out for you.
Aldo heads for the door.
RON Why the hurry?
Thug #1 closes the door and locks it.
RON (CONT’D) Studio security says you picked up Sandy the night she got killed.
ALDO Me?
RON You said you didn’t see her.
ALDO No, I said I picked her up and dropped her off at the hotel.
RON You and Sandy had no beef, right?
ALDO Sandy? No, she was like a sister.
RON Why didn’t you bring her home Aldo?
ALDO She said she was going to rehearsals with Pep and Redmond. That I should drop her off.
RON There was no call sheet for that night Aldo. No rehearsals either.
ALDO Really? They musta–
RON How come you left her alone Aldo?
ALDO Alright, I’m gonna level with you… it was Pepe.
RON Pepe?
THUG #1 Aldo did it Ron. They were banging!
RON (to Thug #1) Careful.
THUG #2 He’s lying Ron. Just look at him. He’s scared.
THUG #1 I know it’s an unpleasant thought, but most of us think she was running around on you.
RON Don’t you fuckin’ say that!
THUG #1 I’m trying to help Ron!
THUG #2 Ron. I’m sorry, but… they were banging.
Thug #1 nods.
They all look to Aldo.
RON Pin him down.
Thugs grab Aldo by the arms and throw him to the ground.
Ron opens the briefcase–
Side 1: All manner of RUBBER, ALUMINUM, GLASS and CERAMIC DILDOS.
Side 2: HORSE CROP, BULL WHIP, 17” TACTICAL KNIFE, VARIOUS CLAMPS and an JUMBO-SIZED RUBBER FIST.
Ron unsheathes the knife and slides the container of lubricant into the rubbish bin.
RON (CONT’D) On the belly. I’m going to do him the way he did my Sandy.
TCHKK!! Ron cuts the seams out of Aldo’s pants and tosses his boxer shorts to the side.
ALDO Ron, no please don’t!
He props his phone up. It plays the sex-video he showed Pepe.
RON Is that you?
ALDO No!
RON Is that you and Sandy?
ALDO No, Ron you gotta believe me! It was Pepe, I swear it! It was Pepe!
RON (to Thug #2) Give me “The Hand of God”.
ALDO Ok, I was fucking her! You’re right about that. But Pepe’s the one who killed her! You gotta believe me!
Ron is trembling, he wants to begin the torture but curiosity gets the best of him.
RON You better start talking and fast.
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# Subject: Daniel Rangel Elevated Story Beats
## What I learned doing this assignment is…
I’m still trying to understand my “core” story.
I lose meaning when the MacGuffin isn’t tied directly to the protagonist in some way.
The need for scaffolding and bootstraps for the audience. Using familiar concepts so a general audience can grasp some of the more complex ideas.
Brainstorm replacements for MacGuffins that are personal to Rafaela.
Establish stakes that are simple and clear: What happens if the protagonist succeeds/fails? What happens if the antagonist succeeds/fails?
Just when I thought I’d gotten over the resistance to changing my story, this felt like I was murdering my babies. (sad face)
I’ve changed 38 beats and have my “before and after”, but for the sake of this post, I haven’t included that info. If anyone’s interested in seeing that let me know.
### ASSIGNMENT
1. Select at least three (3) scenes in your Beat Sheet that you’d like to improve.
2. Tell us the purpose of each scene you are improving.
3. Give us the “before and after” of the beats you improve.
4. Give us the updated Beat Sheet with the improvements you’ve made.
5. At the top of your work, answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?”
### Deadline: 48 hours
Saturday 10-08-2022
### My goals for this assignment:
#### 1. Eliminate confusing subplots, *remove any mention of*:
– Solar Induced Dark Age
– Ancestor Simulations
– Scientific frontier of Consciousness
– Lena’s father and his sacrifice
– Lena’s Illness
– Rafaela’s Illness
– Magic
– Lady Monica
#### 2. Drop in *Raiders of The Lost Ark* MacGuffins to see if the story still works.
KEY:
1. [scene #] (E6) [entertainment rating] **MERGED**, **OMITTED** or **REVISED** [designates the type of improvement, if nothing’s indicated, there’s been no change]: Opening image [purpose of the beat]
# Act 1
1. (E6) **OMITTED**: Opening Image
2. (E6) **REVISED**: To establish her special talent and what she WANTS VERY BADLY.
Rafaela is a very good smuggler who wants to make enough money to get out of debt and buy herself a big, fat retirement.
3. (E6) **REVISED**: Introduce the MAIN DRAMATIC CONFLICT and the ANTAGONIST.
**Inciting Incident:** She’s approached by a powerful anti-noble leader, Henrietta Stone,and her lieutenant, Juan, to find an artifact sought after by the Nobles before they can use it to win the war.
4. (E4) **REVISED**: On page 10, we know the story is about…
On page 10, she’s offered the job. Rafaela thinks this will solve all her problems. At this point, we know TKOTF is about… a soldier who is about to become responsible for the lives of two refugees and confront the demons from her past.
5. (E4) **OMITTED**: Establish forces controlling Rafaela’s life.
## 6. – 7. FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1
6. (E6) **REVISED**: Act 1 Event that completes the destruction of the normal world.
After a fight between Henrietta and Juan leaves Henrietta dead, Lena joins Rafaela with her father’s amulet that will give them the location of the Ark.
7. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela’s DECISION that carries consequences for her and shapes the narrative in Act 2.
___
# Act 2
8. (E3) **OMITTED**: Raise the stakes, set a ticking clock.
9. (E3) Gloria says the Ark is at a science facility called *Sueño Lindo* (Beautiful Dream) run by a mythical group called The Hide. They must send a radio transmission using Lena’s father’s amulet as verification, then The Hide will send them their coordinates.
10. (E2) **OMITTED**: False hope of returning to the normal world.
11. (E4) **OMITTED**: Remove hope of returning to the normal world.
12. (E2) **REVISED**: Further raise the stakes.
They arrive at a penal colony. Gloria says they must wait until the following midnight to receive The Hide’s geolocation!
13. (E3) When the assistant warden sees a news item depicting [[Rafaela as responsible for Juan’s actions]], he reports them to noble authorities.
## 14. – 19. MIDPOINT
14. (E4) **OMITTED**: Bond building between the two leads and Rafaela opening herself up to a spiritual worldview.
15. (E6) Noble military raid the penal colony, and Gloria sacrifices her life for the others to escape.
16. (E3) **OMITTED**: Rafaela confronts her core wound.
17. (E4) **OMITTED**: Rafaela learns how to heal her wound.
17. (E4) **REVISED**: Raise stakes and push action to the climax.
Using the medallion, Rafaela discovers the location of the Ark.
18. (E3) **OMITTED**: Meeting with the Goddess. Reveal protagonist’s true love.
19. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela refuses to allow another girl die under her care.
20. (E3) They are escorted into a transparent megastructure by military leader Captain Chuco.
## 21. – 23. TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2
21. (E6) **REVISED**: To establish what happened to Lena’s father. The second major twist.
Juan and his group burst into the ceremonial chamber, taking Lena and the Ark hostage. Gurion escapes as the rest of the science team are executed.
22. (E2) **REVISED**: Act 3 Goal
Juan discusses how he must perform an ancient ceremony to open the Ark before using it against the Nobles.
23. (E4) **OMITTED**: Attempts return to the normal world.
#
___
# Act 3
24. (E6) Rafaela watches as *Sueño Lindo*’s invisible structure collapses, killing and maiming everyone outside the pyramids. A bomber jet flies overhead. In the distance, tanks, helicopters, and military vehicles bear flags of Noble houses from around the globe.
25. **MERGED** into 24.
26. (E6) **OMITTED**: Set up for Rafaela’s choice between returning to the normal world and saving Lena.
27. (E5) Rafaela makes her way through collapsing tunnels. She finds Gurion and Chuco collecting weapons in a large duffel. She refuses to take a firearm.
28. (E6) **REVISED**: Begin letting go of the normal world.
Rafaela ignores Gurion’s advice to flee using an escape tunnel to go find Lena.
29. (E6) **REVISED**: Commits 100% to a Risk All Plan
Rafaela sees Lena next to the ceremonial platform. She takes several weapons from Chuco’s bag and tells him to lock the entrance and hide themselves.
30. (E3) She kills every soldier in the room.
31. (E6) **REVISED**: Final attempt at returning to the normal world.
Rafaela tries to save Lena, but Juan calls her bluff about destroying the Ark and captures Rafaela as well.
32. (E2) **OMITTED**: Increase the stakes/guilt/sense of responsibility for Rafaela.
## 33. – 39. CLIMAX
33. (E2) **REVISED**: Decisive Action/Fatal Blow/Completes Transformation
The Ark consumes Juan and his goons.
34. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
35. (E8) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
36. (E3) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
37. (E3) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
38. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
39. (E6) **OMITTED**: Rafaela takes decisive action that shows how she’s become the embodiment of the underdog values.
## 40. – 43. Resolution
40. (E4) **OMITTED**: To show the result of Rafaela’s actions: save Lena’s life and her (Rafaela’s) soul.
40. **REVISED**: The Ark is hidden away by The Hide; Rafaela and Lena leave together.
41. (E1) **OMITTED**: To show that Lena has learned from Rafaela’s sacrifice.
42. (E4)**OMITTED**: To show that the world has yet to learn from Rafaela’s sacrifice.
43. (E3) **OMITTED**: To show the final image as the opposite of the opening image. Proof that change has occurred and that it’s real.
I hope this shows how most of this story’s purpose/meaning has been tied to complicated subplots and sci-fi concepts. With those out of the way I can clearly see the “core” story: a woman’s spiritual journey from being completely lost after the murder of her daughter, to sacrificing her life for a young girl who’s rekindled her faith.
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Subject Line: Daniel Rangel Scene Ratings
What I learned doing this assignment is…
Realized after doing this assignment that I didn’t write this screenplay to be entertaining, I wrote it to be interesting… to me. That might explain the response I’ve gotten from readers.
A lot of E6’s and several E2’s. Reached E8 only once. It was the highest rating I gave.
I defined each rating as follows:
E1 (dull) – chance of reading to the end: 0%
E2 (confusing) – better than dull
E3 (mildly interesting) – generates interest, not confusing, but not entertaining either
E4 (clearly expressed) – reads like a good instruction manual
E5 (mildly amusing) – moving toward entertainment
E6 (interesting) – interest peaked
E7(mildly entertaining) – chance of reading to the end: 50%
E8 (entertaining) – chance of reading to the end: 75%
E9 (very interesting) – chance of reading to the end in one sitting: 75%
E10 (extremely entertaining) – win the reader’s gratitude and respect
___
# Act 1
1. (E6) An AURORA resembling a BIRD-HEADED MAN fills the sky.
2. (E6) Rafaela watches an advert for “Osgood Ancestor Simulations Retirement Package, AFTER LIFE”
NARRATOR (V.O.): Live the adventure of a lifetime!
3. (E6) Rafaela gets a lucrative job lead as a security escort for an 11-year-old refugee seeking her father somewhere outside established territory, near *Las Planchas Verdes*.
4. (E4) She’s offered the escort job from a powerful anti-noble leader, Henrietta Stone. Rafaela accepts on 2 conditions: 1. That she can obtain a travel permit through her matron, and 2. There are to be **no guns** on the trip. Henrietta agrees. Rafaela thinks this will solve all her money problems.
5. (E4) She gains permission to travel to *Las Planchas Verdes* from her matron, Lady Monica Critwell.
6. (E6) Rafaela drives Henrietta, her lieutenant Juan, a mystic called Gloria and 11-year-old Lena to the border, where refugees awaiting execution break loose, killing the checkpoint soldiers and Henrietta in the process.
7. (E6) Rafaela learns Juan was part of a conspiracy to kill Henrietta and intends to kill her (Rafaela) and use Lena as a bargaining chip in the coming civil war! She escapes with Lena and Gloria to Lady Monica’s estate.
___
# Act 2
8. (E3) Lena shows signs of severe illness. Fever, fatigue, vomiting, etc.
9. (E3) Gloria says they must find a science facility called *Sueño Lindo* (Beautiful Dream) run by a mythical group called The Hide. They must send a radio transmission with a passcode, and once the code’s verified, The Hide will send them their coordinates.
10. (E2) Lady Monica doesn’t trust the situation with The Hide and assures Rafaela that a journey to find the mythical group will not be necessary. Lena will receive political asylum there and receive appropriate medical attention.
11. (E4) Juan raids the estate with his goons and murders Lady Monica and her children. Rafaela, Lena, and Gloria escape.
12. (E2) They arrive at a penal colony. Gloria says they must wait until the following midnight to receive The Hide’s geolocation, using ritual magic!
13. (E3) When the assistant warden sees a news item depicting Rafaela as responsible for Juan’s actions, he reports them to noble authorities.
14. (E4) Lena shows a drunken Rafaela how to perform the magic ritual used for authentication.
15. (E6) Military forces raid the penal colony, and Gloria sacrifices her life for the others to escape.
16. (E3) Lena’s illness worsens, and she can barely move as the midnight window approaches. Lost in the forest, Rafaela must perform a ritual she doesn’t believe in to survive.
17. (E4) Rafaela performs the ritual and they make it to *Las Planchas Verdes*, but there’s no sign of *Sueño Lindo* or The Hide!
18. (E3) Rafaela’s dead daughter appears in a dream. She offers a clue to their predicament through the etymology “*Las Planchas Verdes*” (The Green Flatirons), named so despite being reddish-brown.
19. (E6) Rafaela wakes, charges the hills with Lena in her arms, and hits an invisible barrier.
20. (E3) They are escorted into a transparent megastructure by military leader Captain Chuco.
21. (E6) Lena discovers her father died in an experiment and all that remains of him exists in a small simulation.
22. (E2) ==Inside the pyramid Doctor Gurion, leader of The Hide, discovers that Lena’s illness has been cause by an experimental serum her father had developed in secrecy before it killed him. Its purpose: the tracking of human consciousness within a simulation. He goes on to say how their physicists and engineers detected an intense shaft of energy radiating from the pyramid’s apex, peaking on a cycle that synchronizes with solar eclipses. They intend to send her father’s consciousness with the beam using a sacred “ascent of the soul” ceremony, and track its destination somewhere beyond the Milky Way.==
23. (E4) Rafaela refuses Lena’s request to take part in the “ascent of the soul” ceremony and leaves.
___
# Act 3
24. (E6) Rafaela watches as *Sueño Lindo*’s invisible structure collapses, killing and maiming everyone outside the pyramids.
25. (E6) A bomber jet flies overhead. In the distance, tanks, helicopters, and military vehicles bear flags of noble houses from around the globe.
26. (E6) Juan and his group burst into the ceremonial chamber, taking Gurion hostage and executing the rest of the science team. Juan smashes the simulation box housing Lena’s father while she’s inside, leaving her in a coma.
27. (E5) Rafaela makes her way through collapsing tunnels. She finds Gurion and Chuco collecting weapons in a large duffel. She refuses to take a firearm.
28. (E6) Rafaela ignores Gurion’s advice to flee using an escape tunnel and decides to go save Lena.
29. (E6) Rafaela sees Lena unconscious next to the ceremonial platform. She takes several weapons from Chuco’s bag and tells him to lock the entrance and hide themselves.
30. (E3) She kills every soldier in the room.
31. (E6) With the total eclipse imminent, she screams at Lena’s lifeless body insisting nothing can make her perform the “ascent of the soul” ceremony.
32. (E2) Juan, barely alive and bleeding out, tells Rafaela she led him and the Noble military there. He’d rigged the signal to acquire The Hide’s location and her ritual in the forest meant nothing. She kills him.
33. (E2) Gurion ==confirms that Lena’s brain activity is consistent with someone under general anesthesia, but they can’t find her without the tracking serum. Rafaela suggests that if Lena followed the route of the beam, maybe she could follow her, and they could both be pulled back together. ==
34. (E6) Rafaela stands, surrounded by serene white. In this environment she can see that the serum has created an intense blue light at the center of her forehead and chest. There’s no sign of Lena or her father. She stumbles through the ritual–
35. (E8) A vortex pulls Rafaela across vast distances of space. She lands in a pulsating, domed room where Lena waits among small cherub-like entities. They embrace.
36. (E3) Rafaela pulls the blue sphere from her chest and places it on Lena. A fluid, balloon-shaped membrane, forms around Lena as the blue tow-line connects her to the bright vortex.
37. (E3) The two say goodbye. The entities escort Lena into the light.
38. (E6) The combatants stand in awe of the solar eclipse and watch in stunned silence as the beam sends a gravitational wave throughout the landscape.
39. (E6) A rainbow-colored vortex appears before Rafaela, and the entities are replaced by demonic-looking creatures. Rafaela smiles then recites–
RAFAELA: I am the way, the truth, the light.
The entities become angelic beings. She steps across the threshold and dissolves into infinity.
40. (E4) Inside the chamber, Lena wakes from her coma. Gurion tells her Rafaela’s vitals have ceased.
41. (E1) Chuco, Gurion, and Lena walk with a caravan headed west. Gurion tells Lena that he’s sorry for her loss.
42. (E4)They watch from a distance as the beam of light pulses, then fades into the clouds. The fighting recommences, and military aircraft bomb *Sueño Lindo* into oblivion.
43. (E3) An advert for “After Life,” plays on a broken piece of glass:
NARRATOR (V.O.): Escape to the life of your dreams! What will you do, “After Life?”
-
Subject line: Daniel Rangel Character Intros
What I learned doing this assignment is…
Character Introductions are an opportunity to deliver compelling characters that inspire performers to play the role.
RAFAELA INTRODUCTION
NEW: Other character’s reaction to this character.
EXT. LAKESIDE ROAD – CONTINUOUS
Light snowfall. Caravans gather at the shore. A vehicle pushes past people, goats, and sacred cows.
INT. RAFAELA’S VEHICLE – MOVING
An interactive HUD projects across the self-driving vehicle’s windscreen. News plays in a discrete corner.
ON THE SCREEN
Drones hover near a smoking wall. OFFICERS fire at CROWDS.
RAFAELA GUTIÉRREZ (30s) turns it off. Detached. Unmoved. Hair pulled back, no makeup. Strong and uncomplicated.
ON THE SCREEN
Over MOUNTAIN CLIMBER, text reads: “Osgood Ancestor Simulations Retirement Package, AFTER LIFE”
NARRATOR (V.O.): Live the adventure of a lifetime!
TALKING HEADS state desired era and profession.
TALKING HEAD 1: 19th Century, Nantucket, whaler.
TALKING HEAD 2: Qing Dynasty, gentleman gourmet.
RAFAELA: 20th Century, Vermont, farmer.
Rafaela’s vehicle stops beside a pickup.
ON THE HUD
Scans, locks onto a figure in the distance–
Text: “GARCÍA LORCA, LÚCIO. AGED 33. Former military (ret’).”
RAFAELA: Damn. Don’t make me go out there.
An egg splatters on the rear window.
EXT. RAFAELA’S VEHICLE – DAY
Rafaela wipes the egg off the CRITWELL HERALDIC BADGE. A thick gold disc, black center, with red rim flaring at 10 and 5 o’clock.
Rafaela moves through the crowd with a black duffel on her shoulder. She ignores the negative reactions to her uniform and badge.
EXT. BEACH – MOMENTS LATER
CROWDS of white robes engage in joyous acts of worship. LÚCIO (30s) sits among SEVERAL CHANTERS who scowl at Rafaela.
RAFAELA: Lúcio, you old drunk!
LÚCIO: Capitán!
He jumps to his feet.
RAFAELA: I see you’re still tempting death.
LÚCIO: I no longer fear death Capitán.
RAFAELA: Not enough–
LÚCIO: Gonna lose–
BOTH: WE FIGHT ANYWAY!
The old friends hug. He offers a mat.
LÚCIO: Never too late to be saved.
RAFAELA: I’m not staying on this beach.
She presses the duffel to his chest.
LÚCIO’S PICKUP TRUCK
Tarp pulls back revealing two kegs with “SEIZURE” stickers. Lúcio pours himself a cup, sips the fermented beverage. She declines. He notices her worn out attire.
LÚCIO: Surprised you’re not finding more work. Been recruiting our kind.
Internal debate, then–
LÚCIO: There was a group here yesterday.
RAFAELA: Who?
LÚCIO: Need military escort’s all I know.
He gives her a white promo card: “OSGOOD LUXURY RETIREMENTS. What will you do in your After Life?”
She flips it: “Complimentary demo. Wednesday morning, 9am.”
LÚCIO: Moving defectors I’m guessing.
RAFAELA: Not interested.
She gives it back. He refuses.
LÚCIO: Capitán. Sounds like easy money. 800 ounces of gold.
Struggles to process what he’s telling her.
RAFAELA: I… haven’t held a gun in ages.
LÚCIO: Ah, you’re better off. There’s change in the air. Unlike we’ve ever seen.
She doesn’t recognize this side of Lúcio.
RAFAELA: How so?
LÚCIO: To attempt to describe with words would diminish its actual meaning.
RAFAELA’S VEHICLE – MINUTES LATER
She secures the two kegs in the rear. They share a moment of bitter-sweet remorse. Lúcio returns to the beach.
RAFAELA’S POV – IN THE DISTANCE
Lúcio stumbles, grins at Rafaela in his goofy way. At that moment, A BLINDING LIGHT flashes. Snowfall becomes rain.
CRACK! BOOOOOOOM! A SHEET OF PLASMA cuts into the surf, parting the water into two enormous walls, slicing its way toward the beach where–
The crowd watches LIGHTNING VAPORIZE all in its path.
Debris ROARS across the landscape. Rafaela takes cover from the shockwave behind her shaking vehicle.
THE BEACH – MOMENTS LATER
Pandemonium. Rafaela makes her way to Lúcio. Sand melts into her boots, gumming up the soles. She–
Chokes on fumes from half-charred victims, blocking out screams of those with bloody wounds and severed limbs.
Leaping along cool patches, she lands at a MOLTEN SILVER POOL and ASH SHADOWS. The final remains of Lúcio and his friends.
EXT. OLD FOREST ROAD – DAY
The electric motor of Rafaela’s vehicle hums through snow and chaff. Patches of forest survive among the charred cinders.
INT. RAFAELA’S VEHICLE – DAY – MOVING
Covered in dirt and ash, she sucks her flask. A deep loss in her eyes.
RAFAELA
Fools… Sun’s destroying us and there’s no fucking afterlife.
HENRIETTA INTRODUCTION
NEW: Build the Character’s reputation
DEMO ROOM
A sim pod, bench, white robe, and sandals. Very spa-like. Rafaela admires the technology she believes will solve all her problems.
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.
LALO (O.S.): Maintenance!
LALO (30s), a large man wearing dark overalls bearing the Osgood logo rolls in with a garbage bin.
LALO: Don’t mind me.
He’s followed by JUAN GUERRERO (30s), handsome and lean with a gold tooth, in cargo pants and flak jacket.
Lalo interfaces to the back of the pod.
JUAN: Capitán Gutíerrez. It’s an honor.
His earnest grin feels familiar. Safe.
JUAN: I’m Juan. This is Lalo. He’s bringing her to. Please have a seat.
She squats on the bench.
CREEENK! WHIRRR!
Lalo bumps the opposite side with a fist.
POP! The canopy glides open. Lalo continues, obscuring the woman’s face inside.
JUAN: Manzano’s getting hot, yeah?
RAFAELA’S POV
Pale, white skin. Shrapnel scars and bullet wounds cover a lean, sinewy frame.
RAFAELA: That’s all that’s been on my Glass.
JUAN: Say they’re headed north.
She glimpses the WOMAN’S INFAMOUS FACE, then looks to Lalo whose eyes have locked with Juan’s.
Rafaela leaps up, snaps the brush off a broom and holds the long, pointy slivers toward the men.
JUAN: Tranquilo Capitán.
RAFAELA: Didn’t know I’d be killing terrorists!
LALO: The PLF is a revolutionary socialist organization–
JUAN: Lalo, enough. (to Rafaela) We’re not terrorists. PLF’s changed.
RAFAELA: You’re brainwashed.
JUAN: Kill us now and you’ll be worse off.
Off her look, he holds his arms in surrender.
JUAN: Please.
Invites her back to the bench. She tosses the broomstick inside the bin and sits. Lalo gets back to work.
RAFAELA: I thought she was dead.
Juan smirks.
JUAN: She is. In the records.
RAFAELA: How does she do it?
JUAN: Moves from sim nest to sim nest. Places like this when there’s silver.
RAFAELA: Don’t they track every pod?
JUAN: The pod, not the person. What’d be of major value to a corporation like this is tracking consciousness, once inside the sim.
RAFAELA: “Tracking consciousness.” Even I know that’s not possible.
HENRIETTA: Wouldn’t it be something if we could?
The woman inside sits up. HENRIETTA STONE (30s), short, spiked hair and sullen eyes that betray her youthful looks.
RAFAELA: Yes…
HENRIETTA: Let’s go for a ride shall we?
-
Subject: Daniel Rangel Character Story Beats
What I learned doing this assignment is…
This process helps pull me from the “spell of attachment” I have to the events/concepts in my story. It makes objective choices that elevate the script possible. Nice!
Also helped me see how I’m trying to jam too many concepts into a single story. As written, I think this is the second film of a trilogy, or episodes 5-10 of a series.
Learned that I really like the Rashomon experience of running the same story through different perspectives!
Rafaela
1. Rafaela Gutiérrez (Main Protagonist)
Former Captain of elite military unit. Los Águilleros (Eagle Brigade)
Core Character Traits
– Motivated by guilt from her daughters death, Rafaela wants to escape reality.
– Struggles to find meaning in her life.
– Knows how to take charge when things get rough.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Character Subtext Logline
Rafaela is a cynical veteran whose insurmountable debt keeps her from the dream of “starting over” inside a retirement simulation.
Optional
HER MISSION: To escape this life by starting over within a simulation.
WANT: To give up all responsibility.
NEED: To forgive herself for her daughter’s murder.
SKILL: Inner strength, leadership.
MISBEHAVIOR: Alcoholism, self-doubt.
VULNERABILITY: Her good heart.
ACHILLES HEEL: Her faith in the system, wanting to live in a bubble.
CHARACTER ARC: A journey that takes her from “despair to hope”.
WORLD VIEW: Struggles to find meaning in her life. She is a woman who feels that everything you experience is, “to keep us from seeing what life really is… suffering.”
SECRET: She won’t listen to 70s classic rock or dance because she’s waiting to be among the first people to hear it over the airwaves within a simulation.
SOMETHING THEY DON’T WANT TO ADMIT ABOUT THEMSELVES: She wishes she knew how to paint her toenails.
2. Beginning Middle End
**Beginning**: Takes lucrative job smuggling refugees to pay for a luxury retirement simulation called “After Life”.
**Middle**: Performs a magical ritual she doesn’t believe in, out of desperation to save herself and Lena.
**End**: Performs a ceremony that takes her to the afterlife, somewhere beyond the milky way galaxy.
3. Beats of their story with broad strokes.
Act 1
**Beginning**: Takes lucrative job smuggling refugees to pay for a luxury retirement simulation called “After Life”.
1. Rafaela takes a lucrative job smuggling refugees to *Las Planchas Verdes*.
2. Double-crossed by Juan, Rafaela escapes with Lena and Gloria to Lady Monica’s estate.
Act 2
**Middle**: Performs a magical ritual she doesn’t believe in, out of desperation to save herself and Lena.
3. A drunk Rafaela learns how to perform a magic ritual used for authentication.
4. Rafaela performs a ritual she doesn’t believe in, and they make it to *Las Planchas Verdes*.
Act 3
**End**: Performs a ceremony that takes her to the afterlife, somewhere beyond the milky way galaxy.
5. Rafaela kills Juan.
6. Rafaela stumbles through the ritual, returns Lena to Earth, and begins her journey into the afterlife.
4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved.
Clarify:
Act 1: Think she’s won the lottery
Act 2: Realizes she’s lost everything
Act 3: Realizes she’s won everything
5. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
In general: avoid letting details bog down the story.
Act 1:
– Emphasize the stakes.
– Emphasize what makes Lena the perfect internal antagonist.
Act 2:
– Emphasize the consequences of actions.
– Emphasize her embracing Lena and Gloria’s spirituality.
Act 3:
– Emphasize her attempt go back to her old life.
– Show her embodying Lena’s spiritual beliefs.
6. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.
Act 1:
– Emphasize the stakes.
What happens if she doesn’t get this money?
– Emphasize what makes Lena the perfect internal antagonist.
Show her rejection of spirituality.
Act 2:
– Emphasize the consequences of actions.
– Emphasize how she can no longer go back to her old life because:
1. She’s a fugitive being pursued by powerful military forces.
2. The gold she’s collected is worthless to her now.
– Emphasize her embracing Lena and Gloria’s spirituality.
A moment where we see that she does feel something beyond her physical senses.
Act 3:
– Emphasize her attempt at returning to her old life.
1. Refusing to participate with a spiritual ceremony.
2. Finding another potential solution to her dreams of retirement.
– Show her embodying Lena’s spiritual beliefs.
A moment where we see how she feels about death and loss and how this story challenges her entrenched beliefs in a non-spiritual existence.
Lena
1. Lena Lovelace (Internal Antagonist)
Only surviving daughter of Lady Anne and Lord Kristoff in Manzano territory (New Mexico.) 11 years old.
Core Character Traits
– Motivated by a sense of duty to continue her parent’s legacy of bringing justice for “Polys” (People of Labor Yields) around the globe.
– Precocious. Knows how to handle herself under pressure.
– Commands the respect of everyone who interacts with her.
Character Subtext Logline
Lena begins an orphan, having lost both her parents a week before the story begins. During a raid on the family estate her mother sends her and the mystic, Gloria, with a secret technology that promises to bring peace among nobility and the lower classes.
Optional
MISSION: To find The Hide and complete what her parents started.
WANT: To bring her parents back to life.
NEED: To say goodbye to loved ones and reconcile with those who murdered them.
2. Beginning Middle End
**Beginning**: Lena goes with a Shaman called Gloria into an escape tunnel beneath the family’s estate.
**Middle**: Lena teaches Rafaela how to perform a magic ritual.
**End**: Lena thanks Rafaela for saving her, and returns to Earth.
3. Beats of their story with broad strokes.
Act 1
**Beginning**: Lena goes with a Shaman called Gloria into an escape tunnel beneath the family’s estate.
1. Lady Lorena **feeds Lena an experimental serum**, then sends her with a Shaman called Gloria to deliver a **secret vial of serum** to Lena’s father, somewhere in the Rocky mountain foothills.
2. Gloria seeks help from PLF (Poly Liberation Front) leader, Henrietta Stone, who recruits Rafaela Gutiérrez to transport them into ungoverned territory.
Act 2
**Middle**: Teaches Rafaela how to perform a magic ritual.
3. Double-crossed by Juan, Lena escapes with Rafaela and Gloria to Lady Monica’s estate, but end up fleeing to a penal colony.
4. She teaches a drunk Rafaela how to perform a magic ritual used for authentication.
Act 3
**End**: Thanks Rafaela for saving her, and returns to Earth.
5. Lena enters a simulation to say goodbye to her father and prepare for the ceremony, but unexpectedly travels to the bardo, and cannot return to Earth.
6. Rafaela arrives, gives her her connection back, but when Lena wakes Gurion tells her Rafaela’s vitals have ceased, and she they join a caravan headed west.
4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved.
I’d like to make her more active. In its current form, she’s just along for the ride.
5. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
Thanks to ***Joan*** for suggesting an internal obstacle she must overcome and looking to the “shadow” aspects of her personality for clues.
6. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.
Because so much of the story happens to her, I’m going to focus on Lena’s internal journey. Hoping the results will yield more conflict between her and Rafaela.
Juan
1. Juan Guerrero (External Antagonist)
Former lieutenant to Henrietta Stone, current leader of the PLF (Poly Liberation Front).
Core Character Traits
– Motivated by lifetimes of **oppression**, Juan wants revenge.
– Insatiable lust for power.
– Knows how to exploit situations and manipulate others into destructive acts.
Character Subtext Logline
Juan is a charismatic military leader who sees the woman leading the cause against nobility as a weakness and liability.
Optional
MISSION: To seize power and oppress the oppressors.
WANT: To **destroy** ancestry simulations and place nobility into penal colonies.
NEED: To forgive those who’ve wronged him so he can begin to cooperate toward a better world.
SKILL: Charisma, leadership.
MISBEHAVIOR: Treating people as a means to an end.
VULNERABILITY: His lust for power.
ACHILLES HEEL: His arrogance and dehumanization of others.
CHARACTER ARC: A journey from standing up to abusive power structures to perverting, then abusing power (murdering innocent children.)
WORLD VIEW: Juan believes in a dog eat dog world. Life is zero-sum-game. Naive people like Henrietta and groups like The Hide will **keep him** from seizing power and obtaining revenge.
SECRET: He’s always hated the fact that Henrietta Stone became leader of the PLF due to her noble background.
SOMETHING THEY DON’T WANT TO ADMIT ABOUT THEMSELVES: The more he kills, the more perverse pleasure he takes from each act.
2. Beginning Middle End
**Beginning**: Orchestrates a coup after disagreement with Henrietta Stone on what to do with Lena and the secret technology she carries.
**Middle**: Receives The Hide’s coordinates after hacking Lena’s radio.
**End**: Destroys the box containing Lena’s father, putting her into a coma.
3. Beats of their story with broad strokes.
Act 1
**Beginning**: Orchestrates a coup after disagreement with Henrietta Stone on what to do with Lena and the secret technology she carries.
1. Orchestrates a coup that leads to Henrietta’s murder.
2. Hacks radio given to Lena.
Act 2
**Middle**: Receives The Hide’s coordinates after hacking Lena’s radio.
3. Orders the murder of Lady Monica and her three small children.
4. Receives The Hides coordinates when Rafaela uses the hacked radio.
Act 3
**End**: Destroys the box containing Lena’s father, putting her into a coma.
5. Destroys the simulation containing Lena’s father while she’s inside, putting her into a coma.
6. Fails to stop Rafaela from killing him and his soldiers.
4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved.
A personal/intimate motivation for his revenge.
5. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
He could carry an image or object belonging to someone he lost at the hands of nobility.
6. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.
Fill out his backstory to raise the stakes and make them more personal for him. Show how his motivation directly opposes Rafaela’s and heightens their conflict.
Henrietta
1. Henrietta Stone (Protagonist Helper)
Leader of the PLF (Poly Liberation Front).
Core Character Traits
SKILL: A powerful leader and good judge of character.
ACHILLES HEEL: Failing to recognize when those in her circle have turned against her.
Character Subtext Logline
Henrietta Stone was kidnapped and indoctrinated into the PLF as a teen. The daughter of wealthy landowners, she rises up the ranks and eventually becomes the leader of the PLF. She is infamous among both Polys and nobility and seen by many as a “traitor to her class.”
Optional
MISSION: To keep Lena safe until she’s under protection of The Hide.
SECRET: She fell in love with Zulema Ramirez, a soldier in father’s militia, as a teenager. When Zulema was sent to fight in the Nomadic Wars the two maintained correspondence. It was through correspondence that she first learned the legend of “Rafaela Leona.” Zulema tells her Rafaela was the bravest warrior she’d ever known. This is why she specifically looks for and trusts Rafaela with the mission.
SOMETHING THEY DON’T WANT TO ADMIT ABOUT THEMSELVES: That she made a mistake in trusting Juan and that’s why it’s so important to her to recruit Rafaela on this mission.
2. Beginning Middle End
**Beginning**: Arranges the delivery of Lena Lovelace and a secret technology to Lena’s father who is believed to be with The Hide, somewhere in the Rockies.
**Middle**: N/A
**End**: N/A
3. Beats of their story with broad strokes.
Act 1
**Beginning**: Arranges the delivery of Lena Lovelace and a secret technology to Lena’s father who is believed to be with The Hide, somewhere in the Rockies.
1. Fights with Juan, who wants to use Lena as a bargaining chip in the coming civil war.
2. Obtains the services of Rafaela, only to be killed in a coup led by Juan.
4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved.
A moment when we see her worldview change based on what she learns about Lena’s father and The Hide.
5. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
This is a piece that will need to be figured out for the 1st installment.
6. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.
Giving her more room to breath in a previous installment.
Gloria
1. Gloria Lilialés (Protagonist Helper)
– Member of a Vago tribe outside Manzano Territory in No Man’s Land (ungoverned territory).
– Mystic who learned ritual magic from her grandmother, Dolores.
– Spiritual tutor to Lena.
Core Character Traits
SKILL: Thinks fast on her feet. Acts now, apologizes later. Gifted in transmitting ancient ceremony and wisdom.
ACHILLES HEEL: Her incredible sense of loyalty.
Character Subtext Logline
Gloria sees the divine in the everyday and mundane. She doesn’t fear death and would gladly sacrifice her life to ensure a better future for humanity.
Optional
MISSION: To act as spiritual mentor and keep Lena safe until she’s under protection of The Hide.
SECRET: She had a vision about her own death and Rafaela’s journey into the afterlife.
SOMETHING THEY DON’T WANT TO ADMIT ABOUT THEMSELVES: Any time she’s bitten off more than she can chew.
2. Beginning Middle End
**Beginning**: Tasked with delivering Lena to her father somewhere in the Rockies.
**Middle**: Must explain to sceptical non-believers how The Hide uses magic ritual to communicate.
**End**: N/A
3. Beats of their story with broad strokes.
Act 1
**Beginning**: Tasked with delivering Lena to her father somewhere in the Rockies.
1. Seeks help from PLF leader, Henrietta Stone, to find Lena’s father and deliver her (Lena) to him.
2. Travels with Rafaela Gutiérrez to the border, where a staged coup results in Henrietta’s death.
Act 2
**Middle**: Must explain to skeptical non-believers how The Hide uses magic ritual to communicate.
3. Tells Rafaela The Hide will be listening the following midnight for 2 minutes at which point they must radio a passcode by creating an energy pattern using a magic ritual.
13. Sacrifices her life during a military raid, providing an escape for Rafaela and Lena.
Act 3
N/A
4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved.
Like Lena, it would be great if she were more active.
5. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
Create a strong inner-conflict for her that affects the plot. This will need to be approached in the first movie, not the first act of this one.
6. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.
She hides what happened to Lena’s father from Lena.
-
Subject: Daniel Rangel Character Profiles
What I learned doing this assignment is…
Ok, I’ve written over a hundred pages of character background and world building for this story– but taking the time to make profiles for everyone was something I didn’t value much. Until now.
Being able to quickly access, edit, etc. will be very helpful.
1. Logline
“In the year 2106 virtual and simulated realities become invaluable to overcome the bleak environment created by the Solar Induced Dark Age. Civil war brews as a cynical war hero must find a mystical group of scientists before an experimental serum kills her and a young girl she’s sworn to protect.”
2. CHARACTER PROFILES
Rafaela Gutiérrez (Main Protagonist)
Former Captain of elite military unit. *Los Águilleros* (Eagle Brigade)
Core Character Traits
– Motivated by guilt from her daughters death, Rafaela wants to escape reality.
– Struggles to find meaning in her life.
– Knows how to take charge when things get rough.
Character Subtext Logline
Rafaela is a cynical veteran whose insurmountable debt keeps her from the dream of “starting over” inside a retirement simulation.
Optional
HER MISSION: To escape this life by starting over within a simulation.
WANT: To give up all responsibility.
NEED: To forgive herself for her daughter’s murder.
SKILL: Inner strength, leadership.
MISBEHAVIOR: Alcoholism, self-doubt.
VULNERABILITY: Her good heart.
ACHILLES HEEL: Her faith in the system, wanting to live in a bubble.
CHARACTER ARC: A journey that takes her from “despair to hope”.
WORLD VIEW: Struggles to find meaning in her life. She is a woman who feels that everything you experience is, “to keep us from seeing what life really is… suffering.”
SECRET: She won’t listen to 70s classic rock or dance because she’s waiting to be among the first people to hear it over the airwaves within a simulation.
SOMETHING THEY DON’T WANT TO ADMIT ABOUT THEMSELVES: She wishes she knew how to paint her toenails.
3. Improvements
Added the last two (secret and something she doesn’t want to admit.) Made me think more about her vulnerable side and how she keeps herself from expressing it. She doesn’t allow herself to feel joy very regularly.
___
Lena Lovelace (Internal Antagonist)
Only surviving daughter of Lady Anne and Lord Kristoff in Manzano territory (New Mexico.)
11 years old.
Core Character Traits
– Motivated by a sense of duty to continue her parent’s legacy of bringing justice for “Polys” (People of Labor Yields) around the globe.
– Precocious. Knows how to handle herself under pressure.
– Commands the respect of everyone who interacts with her. Well, almost everyone.
Character Subtext Logline
Lena begins an orphan, having lost both her parents a week before the story begins. During a raid on the family estate her mother sends her and the mystic, Gloria, with a secret technology that promises to bring peace among nobility and the lower classes.
Optional
MISSION: To find The Hide and complete what her parents started.
WANT: To bring her parents back to life.
NEED: To say goodbye to loved ones and reconcile with those who murdered them.
3. IMPROVEMENTS
Her “want” and “need.” By keeping these in the forefront, it will inform what she says and does in the rewrite.
___
Juan Guerrero (External Antagonist)
Former lieutenant to Henrietta Stone, current leader of the PLF (Poly Liberation Front).
Core Character Traits
– Motivated by lifetimes of oppression, Juan wants revenge.
– Insatiable lust for power.
– Knows how to exploit situations and manipulate others into destructive acts.
Character Subtext Logline
Juan is a charismatic military leader who sees the woman leading the cause against nobility (Henrietta Stone) as a weakness and liability.
Optional
MISSION: To seize power and oppress the oppressors.
WANT: To destroy ancestry simulations and place nobility into penal colonies.
NEED: To forgive those who’ve wronged him so he can begin to cooperate toward a better world.
SKILL: Charisma, leadership.
MISBEHAVIOR: Treating people as a means to an end.
VULNERABILITY: His lust for power.
ACHILLES HEEL: His arrogance and dehumanization of others.
CHARACTER ARC: A journey from standing up to abusive power structures to perverting, then abusing power (murdering innocent children.)
WORLD VIEW: Juan believes in a dog eat dog world. Life is zero-sum-game. Naive people like Henrietta and groups like The Hide will keep him from seizing power and obtaining revenge.
SECRET: He’s always hated the fact that Henrietta Stone became leader of the PLF due to her noble background.
SOMETHING THEY DON’T WANT TO ADMIT ABOUT THEMSELVES: The more he kills, the more perverse pleasure he takes from each act.
3. Improvements
Again, added the last 2. I knew his secret, but hadn’t listed it in his profile. Now that it’s there, I can reference it when I’m polishing his dialogue, etc.
I hadn’t even thought about what he wouldn’t want to admit to himself. Brilliant. He’s definitely a “shape-shifter” in dramatic terms. He goes from someone who holds to his ideals and sense of justice, to someone who’s become the monster he wanted to destroy. (sad face)
___
Henrietta Stone (Protagonist Helper)
Leader of the PLF (Poly Liberation Front).
Core Character Traits
SKILL: A powerful leader and good judge of character.
ACHILLES HEEL: Failing to recognize when those in her circle have turned against her.
Character Subtext Logline
Henrietta Stone was kidnapped and indoctrinated into the PLF as a teen. The daughter of wealthy landowners, she rises up the ranks and eventually becomes the leader of the PLF. She is infamous among both Polys and nobility and seen by many as a “traitor to her class.”
Optional
MISSION: To keep Lena safe until she’s under protection of The Hide.
SECRET: She fell in love with Zulema Ramirez, a soldier in father’s militia, as a teenager. When Zulema was sent to fight in the Nomadic Wars the two maintained correspondence. It was through correspondence that she first learned the legend of “Rafaela Leona.” Zulema tells her Rafaela is the bravest warrior she’s ever seen. This is why Henrietta specifically looks for and trusts Rafaela with the mission.
SOMETHING THEY DON’T WANT TO ADMIT ABOUT THEMSELVES: That she made a mistake in trusting Juan and that’s why it’s so important to her to recruit Rafaela on this mission.
3. IMPROVEMENTS
The latter. I knew it, but having it in her profile will be helpful.
___
Gloria Lilialés (Protagonist Helper)
Member of a Vago tribe outside Manzano Territory in No Man’s Land (ungoverned territory).
Mystic who learned ritual magic from her grandmother, Dolores.
Core Character Traits
SKILL: Thinks fast on her feet. Acts now, apologizes later. Gifted in transmitting ancient ceremony and wisdom.
ACHILLES HEEL: Her incredible sense of loyalty.
Character Subtext Logline
Gloria sees the divine in the everyday and mundane. She doesn’t fear death and would gladly sacrifice her life to ensure a better future for humanity.
Optional
MISSION: To act as spiritual mentor and keep Lena safe until she’s under protection of The Hide.
SECRET: She had a vision about her own death and Rafaela’s journey into the afterlife.
SOMETHING THEY DON’T WANT TO ADMIT ABOUT THEMSELVES: That she’s capable of biting off more than she can chew.
3. IMPROVEMENTS
I had no idea that she had a secret vision! This could be very useful in the rewrite!
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What I’ve learned: I’ve been resistant to rewriting. I’ve been wanting to “edit” and have finally come around to actual “rewriting.” So I’m where I should have been after Day 1 assignment, but I have the tools to get the job done quickly. Hurrah!
NEW GOALS
Establish my A-story and B-story. Discard everything else.
A-story: Rafaela must get Lena and herself to The Hide.
B-story: Rafaela overcoming the loss of her daughter.
ISOLATE
1. Make new Day 2 Beats
Using my existing A and B storylines. Discard everything else.
2. Make new Logline
Based on new Day 2 Beats with existing A and B.
3. Make new Day 3 Beat Sheet
Based on new Day 2 Beats with existing A and B.
ELEVATE
1. Elevate the Beats of Your Story
Isolate confusing concepts, determine their purpose, then brainstorm 25 other ways to accomplish it.
2. Avoid Perfection
Plug and play. I can always bring back discarded concepts later, but for the sake of this class, my goal is to tell a compelling story that’s easy for any reader to understand.
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Is anyone looking for feedback on Day 3 Assignment?
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Subject: Daniel Rangel Story Beats
LOGLINE: A cynical soldier must escort a young girl to a mystical group during civil war, against both sides who will stop at nothing to prevent her from performing a sacred ritual that escorts souls to the afterlife.
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…
1. Extra beats at the end of Act 2 made me ask:
Am I cramming too much story in this piece? Do I need to break it down into 2 or 3 different movies?
2. Find myself going back to the “core” and refining my logline and conflict. The three “cores” of this story that are essential for me are:
Sci-fi Concept: What if scientists discovered that consciousness continues after the body dies and on are on the verge of finding its destination, somewhere in the universe?
Dramatic Concept: A cynical paladin who’s lost all faith after her daughter’s brutal murder, must help a young girl by embracing her sacred beliefs and performing a magical ceremony.
Central Conflict: A soldier must get herself and a young girl to a group that can remove an experimental serum from their blood before it kills them both.
So, new logline:
“When a secret group discover human consciousness continues after death, a cynical soldier and a young girl must find them before they’re killed by the two sides fighting over the technology.”
Story Beats:
1. INT. VEHICLE – DAY
Rafaela Gutiérrez drives past caravans of sun worshipers gathered at the shoreline while under the spell of an advert for a retirement simulation called “After Life.” Her fantasy is interrupted by a news item describing revolts in the south sending thousands of refugees to be rounded up and executed by noble forces.
FLAG CHANGES – added her rejection toward his spirituality and the afterlife to establish her character arc. Included their military unit’s mantra as it’s paid off in the end.
2. EXT. BEACH – DAY
Desperate for extra money, Rafaela meets an old military buddy turned spiritual fanatic, who gives her information about a lucrative job as a private security escort. She scolds him when he suggests she can “communicate with the afterlife.”
Crowds of white robes engage in joyous acts of worship. LÚCIO (30s) sits among SEVERAL CHANTERS.
RAFAELA: Lúcio, you old drunk!
LÚCIO: Capitán!
He jumps to his feet.
RAFAELA: I see you’re still tempting death.
LÚCIO: I no longer fear death Capitán.
RAFAELA: “Not enough”–
LÚCIO: “Gonna lose”–
BOTH: “WE FIGHT ANYWAY!”
The old friends hug. He offers a mat.
LÚCIO: Never too late to be saved.
RAFAELA: I’m not staying on this beach any longer than I have to.
3. OSGOOD SIMULATION FACILITY – DAY
The information leads Rafaela to Henrietta Stone, the notorious leader of an anti-noble, paramilitary organization. She offers Rafaela a large sum to escort Lena, an 11-year-old refugee carrying an experimental serum in her blood, to a mystical scientific group called The Hide, who are on the verge of discovering where consciousness goes in the after-life. Skeptical about such claims, she agrees when promised enough gold to pay for her luxurious retirement sim.
4. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – DAY
Rafaela gains permission to travel out of established territory from her matron, Lady Monica Critwell.
LADY MONICA: What’s the destination?
RAFAELA: Somewhere near ‘Las Planchas Verdes’ (The Green Flatirons).
5. EXT. BORDER OUTPOST – NIGHT
Rafaela drives Henrietta, her lieutenant Juan, a mystic called Gloria and Lena to the border, where refugees awaiting execution break loose, killing the checkpoint soldiers and Henrietta in the process.
6. EXT. FERRY LAUNCH – NIGHT
Rafaela manages to escape with the others to the lakeshore, where Juan and his goons look for a mysterious vial among Gloria and Lena’s personals.
7. INT. SAFE-HOUSE – NIGHT
As Juan is voted the new leader of the paramilitary group, Rafaela learns he was part of a conspiracy to kill Henrietta and intends to kill her and Lena to use the new technology as a bargaining chip in the upcoming civil war! Rafaela decides to sneak away asap with Lena and Gloria.
8. INT. SAFE-HOUSE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Rafaela interrupts Lena who appears to interact with her deceased father, Lord Kristoff Lovelace, within a simulation through a small, portable box. Lena entrusts Rafaela with the only remaining serum Henrietta kept secret.
9. INT. SAFE-HOUSE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Juan enters and Rafaela drinks the vial of serum to stop him from killing her!
10. EXT. SAFE-HOUSE – NIGHT
Rafaela, Gloria and Lena manage an escape just as war breaks out between revolutionaries and nobility!
END OF ACT 1
11. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – NIGHT
Lena shows signs of severe illness. Lady Monica demands full disclosure.
GLORIA: The effects of the serum will continue to worsen until the stem cells harvested from her blood are infused back after it’s been removed.
Rafaela realizes that without a matching donor, she will die within 10 days.
12. INT. SMALL STUDY – NIGHT
Privately, Rafaela describes to Lady Monica how she saw Lena visit with Lord Lovelace. The Lady remains skeptical and suspects they may be taking advantage of the former paladin. Despite this, she assures them they’ll be safe and that she’ll make all necessary medical arrangements for both Lena and Rafaela.
LADY MONICA: You may end up in a reserve somewhere, but you’ll be alive.
13. INT. GREAT ROOM – NIGHT
The serum’s effects take a toll on Rafaela. She overhears Gloria ask why Rafaela doesn’t carry a gun. Lady Monica shares how she (Rafaela) blames herself for the kidnapping and murder of her young daughter Sophia.
LADY MONICA: Ransom insurance is only paid after you’ve paid the ransom. She’d mismanaged her finances hoping to give Sophia a better life. When kidnappers seized her and Rafaela couldn’t pay the ransom, they left Sophia’s bullet-ridden corpse on her doorstep.
14. INT. SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT
An emergency evacuation is declared throughout Superior territory, as rebels raid and seize all civilian property, infrastructure, and resources.
15. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – NIGHT
Juan and his militia arrive, forcing the group to flee. Lady Monica and her children stay in the manor’s stronghold. Lady Monica’s security chief sends Rafaela, Gloria and Lena through an escape tunnel and gives her the keys to a small plane.
16. INT. SMALL PLANE – NIGHT
Rafaela decides they’ll go to the penal colony run by her brother, Goyo.
She covers Lena’s eyes as the estate’s windows flash with gunfire.
17. INT. PENAL COLONY – NIGHT
Unable to cope with years of solitude and human suffering he oversees Goyo lives with virtual reality goggles permanently fixed to his skull. He doesn’t recognize his sister.
18. EXT. CAVE OPENING – DAY
Goyo’s assistant, Ashley, takes them to a location where they can contact The Hide using a radio transceiver. Gloria confesses they must wait until the following midnight, using a magic ritual, within a two-minute window. Furious, Rafaela questions whether The Hide exists at all!
19. EXT. CAVE OPENING – DAY
Rafaela watches Gloria rehearsing for the “ascent of the soul” ceremony. Lena lies unconscious, tethered to her mobile sim. Gloria explains how ceremony creates an energetic pattern that provides a unique identifier for security. Rafaela scoffs.
GLORIA: The serum was made to track consciousness within a simulation. A bigger discovery was made when Lord Lovelace’s life functions ceased, and his consciousness, that is, Human Consciousness, CONTINUES AFTER THE BODY DIES! Trapped in the sim ever since, Lena visits with him on occasion until we reach The Hide.
RAFAELA: I’ve never believed in ghosts and I don’t believe that Lord Lovelace could exist within that sim.
GLORIA: I don’t know if ghosts are real, but can you deny the reality of that girl’s love for her father?
20. INT. PENAL COLONY – DAY
Ashley sees a news item blaming Rafaela for Juan’s actions and he reports her to noble authorities.
When forces raid the penal colony, military raid, Gloria sacrifices her life for the others to escape. Now Lena or Rafaela must perform the ritual if they are to find The Hide’s location.
END OF ACT 2A
21. EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
Lena’s symptoms worsen and she can barely move as the midnight window approaches. Rafaela must now perform the ritual if she’s to survive.
22. INT. LORD LOVELACE’S SIMULATION – NIGHT
Rafaela enters the sim and meets Lord Lovelace. She tells him she won’t send the transmission using the ritual–
RAFAELA: I don’t believe.
LOVELACE: Just say the words. The words have power.
She begrudges through the ritual and they receive The Hide’s coordinates!
FLAG <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>CHANGES – added a sentence for clarity.
23. EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
Rafaela sees the love Lena has for her father and begins to think that maybe there is an afterlife, maybe she can reconcile her daughter’s death. This experience is the spark of hope that’s been missing from her life since her daughter’s death.
24. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – NIGHT
They arrive at “Las Planchas Verdes,” the slanted sandstone formations in the foothills, but nothing’s there. Succumbing to the serum, Rafaela falls asleep fearing the worst.
25. DREAM SEQUENCE
Sophia appears to Rafaela in a dream and offers a clue to their predicament through the etymology “Las Planchas Verdes” (The Green Flatirons), named so despite being reddish-brown.
26. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
Rafaela wakes, charges the hills with Lena in her arms, and hits an invisible barrier.
27. EXT. THE HIDE’S SECRET LOCATION – DAY
They are escorted into the transparent megastructure by an elite military guard led by Captain Chuco.
Green growth covers three pyramids where archeologists work amid ancient ruins. Doctor Nicolás Gurion, the head of the operation, takes them to the medical wing, where he finds a matching donor for Rafaela in the group’s database. Lena receives a successful transplant.
FLAG CHANGES – this is still a problem. Purpose of this scene: to reveal The Hide’s goal with Lena’s father. It’s difficult for me to brainstorm other ways for this to happen since its the bedrock of my story. 🤪 I could use some help with this.
28. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Inside the pyramid, Gurion explains how The Hide’s physicists and engineers detected an intense shaft of energy radiating from its apex, peaking on a cycle that synchronizes with solar eclipses. They intend to send Lord Lovelace’s consciousness with the beam and track him to its destination, somewhere beyond the Milky Way.
29. INT. MEDICAL WING – DAY
Still weak, Lena asks Rafaela to stand in for her during the ceremony.
LENA: You don’t have to believe, you know? Words are a powerful form of magic.
Rafaela refuses and makes her way to the transplant area. Lena enters the simulation to say goodbye to her father and perform the ascent of the soul ritual.
30. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
A BOOM rattles dust and debris from the cavern. Sirens BLARE. Outside, Rafaela watches the invisible structure collapse onto the helpless, killing and maiming everyone outside the pyramids. A BOMBER JET flies overhead. In the distance, TANKS, HELICOPTERS, and MILITARY VEHICLES bear flags of noble houses from around the globe.
Juan and his group burst into the ceremonial chamber, taking Gurion hostage and executing the rest of the science team. Juan destroys the sim box next to Lena.
FLAG <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>CHANGES – I combined this beat with the latter.
31. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
END OF ACT 2B
FLAG CHANGES – Act 3 begins here.
31. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
A feverish Rafaela makes her way through chaos as tunnels collapse, blocking her way to the transplant area. Chuco exchanges gunfire and engages in hand-to-hand combat, collecting weapons in a large duffel. She refuses to take a firearm.
FLAG CHANGES – I combined several beats and got rid of unnecessary details.
32. INT. COLLAPSED CORRIDOR – DAY
Rafaela and Chuco encounter Gurion who tells them that Juan has taken the compound and Rafaela must receive her transplant before noble forces wipe out the entire facility.
When Rafaela asks about Lena, Gurion tells her the box was destroyed during the simulation, leaving her comatose, most likely braindead. An enraged Rafaela coughs blood, and Gurion warns there may not be another chance for her procedure if they don’t go now.
Rafaela rejects Gurion’s warning and decides to go save Lena.
FLAG CHANGES – combined beats and dumped unnecessary details. (I’m seeing a pattern here…)
33. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Juan gives a rallying speech to his soldiers. Rafaela, Gurion and Chuco sneak into the rear balcony, where Rafaela sees Lena’s body next to the shattered sim box.
She takes several weapons from Chuco’s cache and tells him to lock the entrance and hide themselves. She kills every soldier in the room.
With the total eclipse imminent, she screams at Lena’s lifeless body insisting nothing can make her perform the “ascent of the soul” ceremony.
Juan, barely alive and bleeding out, tells Rafaela he’d rigged the signal to acquire The Hide’s location and her ritual in the forest meant nothing. She kills him.
Gurion confirms that Lena’s brain activity is consistent with someone under general anesthesia, but they can’t find her without the tracking serum. Rafaela suggests that if Lena followed the route of the beam, maybe she could follow her, and they could both be pulled back together.
GURION: Yes, but… you don’t believe.
She measures herself for a beat.
RAFAELA: Yeah. Well, I don’t have to. The words have power.
FLAG CHANGES – I didn’t flag the following two beats, but in rereading I thought it would be appropriate to give a little more detail since this is the “core” relationship in the story.
34. INT. HIDE SIMULATION ROOM
Rafaela stands, surrounded by serene white. In this environment she can see how the serum has created an intense blue light at the center of her forehead and chest. There’s no sign of Lena or her father. She stumbles through the ritual–
35. DEEP SPACE
A vortex pulls her across vast distances of space.
She lands in a pulsating, domed room where Lena waits among small cherub-like entities. Lena runs to her and they embrace.
Rafaela pulls the blue sphere from her chest and places it on Lena. A fluid, balloon-shaped membrane, forms around Lena as the blue tow-line connects her to the bright vortex.
RAFAELA: Now. Let me go.
LENA: What? (understanding) NO! I don’t want to leave you here — let’s go back together.
RAFAELA: It’s too late. There’s no physical “body” for me there. Please girl, do as I say. Gurion and Chuco are waiting for you.
LENA: But I can’t go without you.
Lena cries.
RAFAELA: Hey, hey. Listen… I was wrong … you’ve shown me… that…
Sobbing now.
RAFAELA: Hey. Are you listening?
Lena nods.
RAFAELA: There’s a lot to live for in that world. Find your purpose.
LENA: Will I ever see you again?
RAFAELA: Perhaps. But not in this life.
Lena continues crying. Rafaela embraces her.
RAFAELA: Remember: You’re always enough, there’s nothing to lose… and you’re going to find a way.
A blinding light appears. The two say goodbye. The entities escort Lena into the light.
36. EXT. THE HIDE’S SECRET LOCATION – DAY
The combatants stand in awe of the solar eclipse and watch in stunned silence as the beam sends a gravitational wave throughout the landscape.
37. INT. LORD LOVELACE’S SIMULATION – DAY
A rainbow-colored vortex appears before Rafaela, and the entities are replaced by demonic-looking creatures. Rafaela smiles then recites–
RAFAELA: I am the way, the truth, the light.
The entities become angelic beings. She steps across the threshold and dissolves into infinity.
38. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Inside the chamber, Lena wakes from her coma. Gurion tells her Rafaela’s vitals have ceased.
FLAG CHANGES – Since I had an extra beat, I separated the two locations for the end.
39. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
Chuco, Gurion, and Lena walk with a caravan headed west.
Gurion tells Lena that he’s sorry for her loss.
LENA: No. I saw her. They’re okay. We’re all going to be okay.
40. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
They watch from a distance as the beam of light pulses, then fades into the clouds. The fighting recommences, and military aircraft bomb Las Planchas Verdes.
THE END
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Daniel Rangel.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Subject: Daniel Rangel Story Beats
LOGLINE: A cynical soldier must escort a young girl to a mystical group during civil war, against both sides who will stop at nothing to prevent her from performing a sacred ritual.
Story Beats:
1. INT. VEHICLE – DAY
Rafaela Gutiérrez drives past caravans of sun worshipers gathered at the shoreline while under the spell of an advert for a retirement simulation called “After Life.” Her escapist fantasy is interrupted by a news item describing revolts in the south sending thousands of refugees to be rounded up and executed by noble forces.
FLAG
2. EXT. BEACH – DAY
In desperate need of extra money, Rafaela meets an old military buddy turned spiritual fanatic, who gives her information about a lucrative job as a private security escort.
3. OSGOOD SIMULATION FACILITY – DAY
The information leads Rafaela to Henrietta Stone, the notorious leader of an anti-noble, paramilitary organization. She offers Rafaela a large sum to escort Lena, an 11-year-old refugee carrying an experimental serum in her blood, to a mystical scientific group called The Hide, who are on the verge of discovering where consciousness goes in the after-life. Skeptical about such claims, she agrees when promised enough gold to pay for her luxurious retirement sim.
4. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – DAY
Rafaela gains permission to travel out of established territory from her matron, Lady Monica Critwell. “Somewhere near ‘Las Planchas Verdes’ (The Green Flatirons).”
5. EXT. BORDER OUTPOST – NIGHT
Rafaela drives Henrietta, her lieutenant Juan, a mystic, Gloria and Lena to the border, where refugees awaiting execution break loose, killing the checkpoint soldiers and Henrietta in the process.
6. EXT. FERRY LAUNCH – NIGHT
Rafaela manages to escape with the others to the lakeshore, where Juan and his goons look for a mysterious vial among Gloria and Lena’s personals.
7. INT. SAFE-HOUSE – NIGHT
As Juan is voted the new leader of the paramilitary group, Gloria tells Rafaela he was part of a conspiracy to kill Henrietta and intends to kill her and Lena to use the new technology as a bargaining chip in the upcoming civil war! Rafaela decides to sneak away asap with Lena and Gloria.
8. INT. SAFE-HOUSE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Rafaela interrupts Lena who appears to interact with her deceased father, Lord Kristoff Lovelace, within a simulation through a small, portable box. Lena entrusts Rafaela with the only remaining serum Henrietta kept secret.
9. INT. SAFE-HOUSE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Juan enters with his goons and Rafaela drinks the vial of serum to stop him from killing her!
10. EXT. SAFE-HOUSE – NIGHT
Rafaela, Gloria and Lena manage an escape just as war breaks out between revolutionaries and nobility!
END OF ACT 1
11. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – NIGHT
Lena shows signs of severe illness. Lady Monica demands full disclosure from Gloria, who tells her, “the effects of the serum will continue to worsen until the stem cells harvested from her blood are infused back after the serum’s removal.” Rafaela realizes that without a matching donor, she will die in under 10 days.
12. INT. SMALL STUDY – NIGHT
Privately, Rafaela describes Lena’s visit to Lord Lovelace with Lady Monica. The Lady remains skeptical and suspects they may be taking advantage of the former paladin. Despite this, she assures them they’ll be safe and that she’ll make all necessary medical arrangements for both Lena and Rafaela. “You may end up in a reserve somewhere, but you’ll be alive.”
13. INT. GREAT ROOM – NIGHT
Rafaela lays down to rest as the effects of the serum begin to affect her. She overhears Gloria asking why Rafaela doesn’t carry a gun. Lady Monica shares how she (Rafaela) blames herself for the kidnapping and murder of her young daughter Sophia. She’d mismanaged her finances hoping to give her a better life. When kidnappers seized Sophia and Rafaela couldn’t pay the ransom insurance, they left Sophia’s bullet-ridden corpse on her doorstep.
14. INT. SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT
An emergency evacuation is declared throughout Superior territory, as rebels raid and seize all civilian property, infrastructure, and resources.
15. INT. CRITWELL ESTATE – NIGHT
Juan and his PLF militia arrive, forcing the group to flee, while Lady Monica and her children stay in the manor’s stronghold. Lady Monica’s security chief sends Rafaela, Gloria and Lena through an escape tunnel and gives her the keys to a small plane.
16. INT. SMALL PLANE – NIGHT
Rafaela takes Lena and Gloria to the penal colony run by her brother, Goyo. She covers Lena’s eyes as the estate’s windows flash with gunfire.
17. INT. PENAL COLONY – NIGHT
Unable to cope with years of solitude and human suffering he oversees and maintains, Goyo lives with augmentation goggles permanently fixed to his skull. They transform the sim pods into rows of tulips, succumbing to viruses from time to time, necessitating their pruning. He doesn’t recognize his sister.
18. EXT. CAVE OPENING – DAY
Goyo’s assistant, ASHLEY, takes them to a location where they can contact The Hide using a radio transceiver. Gloria confesses they must wait until the following midnight, using a magical ritual, within a two-minute window. Furious, Rafaela questions whether The Hide exists at all!
19. EXT. CAVE OPENING – DAY
Rafaela watches Gloria rehearsing for the “ascent of the soul” ceremony while Lena lies unconscious, tethered to her mobile sim. Gloria explains how ceremony creates an energetic pattern that provides a unique identifier for security. Rafaela scoffs. Gloria says the serum was being developed simply to track consciousness within a simulation. A bigger discovery was made when Lord Lovelace’s life functions ceased, and his consciousness, human consciousness, continues after the body dies! He’s been trapped in the sim ever since, waiting for The Hide to reveal the next step. Rafaela says she doesn’t believe in ghosts or that Lord Lovelace could exist within the sim. Gloria responds, “I don’t know if ghosts are real, but can you deny the reality of that girl’s love for her father?”
20. INT. PENAL COLONY – DAY
Ashley receives word that noble forces have destroyed civilian communities, killing all the inhabitants. The civil war escalates as Juan’s group raids and seizes noble property and assets. Ashley reports to noble authorities when he sees a news item blaming Rafaela for Juan’s actions. Gloria sacrifices her life during a military raid, allowing the others to escape. Rafaela and Lena must find a way to The Hide on their own.
END OF ACT 2A
21. EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
Lena’s symptoms worsen and she can barely move as the midnight window approaches. This forces Rafaela to perform the ritual in her place.
FLAG
22. INT. LORD LOVELACE’S SIMULATION – NIGHT
Rafaela enters the sim where she meets Lord Lovelace. She tells him that she won’t send the transmission using the ritual, “I don’t believe.” Lovelace, “Just say the words. The words have power.” She does, and they receive The Hide’s coordinates!
23. EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
Rafaela sees the love Lena has for her father and begins to think that maybe there is an afterlife, maybe she can reconcile her daughter’s death.
24. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – NIGHT
When they arrive at “Las Planchas Verdes,” the slanted sandstone formations in the foothills, nothing’s there. Succumbing to the effects of the serum, Rafaela falls asleep fearing the worst.
25. DREAM SEQUENCE
Sophia appears to Rafaela in a dream and offers a clue to their predicament through the etymology “Las Planchas Verdes” (The Green Flatirons), named so despite being reddish-brown.
26. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
Rafaela wakes, charges the hills with Lena in her arms, and hits an invisible barrier.
27. EXT. THE HIDE’S SECRET LOCATION – DAY
They are escorted into the transparent megastructure by an elite military guard led by Captain Chuco. He says he knows Rafaela by reputation. “Half of my soldiers want to shoot you and the others are flat-out terrified.”
Green growth covers three pyramids where archeologists work amid ancient ruins. Doctor Nicolás Gurion, the head of the operation, takes them to the medical wing, where he finds a matching donor for Rafaela in the group’s database. Lena receives a successful transplant.
FLAG
28. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Inside the pyramid, Gurion explains how The Hide’s physicists and engineers detected an intense shaft of energy radiating from its apex, peaking on a cycle that synchronizes with solar eclipses. They intend to send Lord Lovelace’s consciousness along with the beam in hopes of tracking him to its destination. The destination of the human afterlife!
29. INT. MEDICAL WING – DAY
Still weak, Lena asks Rafaela to stand in for her during the ceremony, echoing her father’s words, “You don’t have to believe, you know? Words are a powerful form of magic.” Rafaela refuses and makes her way to the transplant area. Lena enters the simulation to say goodbye to her father and perform the ascent of the soul ritual.
30. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
A BOOM rattles dust and debris from the cavern. Sirens BLARE. Outside, Rafaela watches the invisible structure collapse onto the helpless, killing and maiming everyone outside the pyramids. A BOMBER JET flies overhead. In the distance, TANKS, HELICOPTERS, and MILITARY VEHICLES bear flags of noble houses from around the globe.
FLAG
31. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Juan and his group burst into the ceremonial chamber, taking Gurion hostage and executing the rest of the science team.
FLAG
32. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
A feverish Rafaela makes her way through chaos as tunnels collapse, blocking her way to the transplant area. Chuco exchanges fire with the PLF and engages in hand-to-hand combat, collecting weapons in a large duffel. She refuses to take a firearm.
FLAG
33. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Juan destroys the sim box next to Lena.
FLAG
34. INT. COLLAPSED CORRIDOR – DAY
Rafaela and Chuco encounter Gurion and the two men share an embrace of profound relief and kiss. Gurion tells them the Juan has taken the compound and she must receive her transplant before noble forces wipe out the entire facility.
When Rafaela asks about Lena, Gurion tells her the box was destroyed during the simulation, leaving her comatose, most likely braindead. An enraged Rafaela coughs blood, and Gurion warns there may not be another chance for her procedure if they don’t go now.
END OF ACT 2B
FLAG
31. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Juan gives a rallying speech to his soldiers about how they can survive in the systems of tunnels and caves indefinitely until the power generator’s nuclear reactor becomes weaponized. They cheer as he passes around Lúcio’s pruno from the reserve.
FLAG
32. EXT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Gurion creates a distraction for Chuco, who takes out the guards at the chamber’s entrance. They sneak into the rear balcony, where Rafaela sees Lena’s body next to the shattered sim box. She takes several weapons from Chuco’s cache and tells him to lock the entrance and hide themselves.
33. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Rafaela walks in alone, brandishing a rifle to confront Juan’s soldiers. She holds Juan at gunpoint. He gives the order and a firefight ensues. Rafaela shoots Juan, and calmly kills several soldiers whose panicked shots miss her. She swings the rifle like a bat, then draws two pistols, shoots Juan, and calmly kills several soldiers whose panicked shots miss her.
Mortally wounded, Juan tells her she’s a traitor to her class. Lena is their oppressor, and it’s their serum that’s killing her.
Rafaela rushes to Lena’s side, but she doesn’t wake. She mocks the girl about how she looks forward to being placed in a sim with an excellent retirement program, insisting that she won’t perform the ritual. Finally, she screams at Lena’s lifeless body insisting nothing can make her perform the ritual. She breaks down and swears she’d do anything to prevent another girl from dying in her care. Gurion confirms the equipment still works…
Juan laughs and declares that Rafaela can’t perform the ritual. He’d hacked the portable sim to transmit, regardless of the energetic pattern. Rafaela led all military forces there. She’s no mystic. He asks what kind of afterlife awaits a war-mongering murderer like herself anyway. He asserts she’ll be joining him in hell. She kills him.
Gurion confirms that her brain activity is consistent with someone under general anesthesia, but there’s no way to know where she is without the tracking serum. Rafaela suggests that if Lena followed the route of the beam, perhaps she (Rafaela) could follow her, and they could both be pulled back together. Hesitating, he reminds her that she doesn’t believe. Rafaela, “I don’t have to. The words have power.”
As Gurion fits Rafaela into the chamber’s tracking pod, he tells her to expect three phases before arriving at the first threshold. He warns that she must not continue if Lena isn’t there. To go beyond would begin the journey to the afterlife from which no one returns. Rafaela insists Lena must still be there, and believes she’s waiting for the solar eclipse.
34. INT. HIDE SIMULATION ROOM
Rafaela stands, surrounded by serene white.There’s no sign of Lena or her father. Rafaela stumbles through the ritual–
35. DEEP SPACE
A vortex pulls her across vast distances of space.
36. DOMED ROOM
She lands in a pulsating, domed room where Lena waits among small cherub-like entities. A blinding light appears. The two say goodbye. The entities escort Lena into the light.
37. EXT. THE HIDE’S SECRET LOCATION – DAY
The combatants stand in awe of the solar eclipse and watch in stunned silence as the beam sends a gravitational wave throughout the landscape.
38. INT. LORD LOVELACE’S SIMULATION – DAY
A rainbow-colored vortex appears before Rafaela, and the entities are replaced by demonic-looking creatures. Rafaela smiles then recites, “I am the way, the truth, the light.” The entities become angelic beings. She steps across the threshold and disappears.
39. INT. ASCENT OF THE SOUL CHAMBER – DAY
Inside the chamber, Lena wakes from her coma. Gurion tells her that Rafaela’s vitals have stopped.
40. EXT. THE FLATIRONS – DAY
Chuco, Gurion, and Lena walk with a caravan headed west. They watch from a distance as the beam of light pulses, then fades into the clouds. The fighting recommences, and military aircraft bomb Las Planchas Verdes.
Gurion tells Lena that he’s sorry for her loss. She says, “No. I saw her. They’re okay. We’re all going to be okay.”
THE END
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Daniel Rangel. Reason: Updated flags
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Daniel Rangel. Reason: Updated flags
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Daniel Rangel. Reason: Updated flags
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Subject: Daniel’s concept and Basic Structure Version 3
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…
Getting a late start to this class has really set me back. This assignment has been very difficult to complete without really having completed the Day 1 assignment (finding the “core”). Going to stop with what I’ve got and move on to Day 3 assignment.
Logline: “In the year 2106, North American feudalism crumbles in the wake of civil war and a cynical war veteran must open herself to the magical beliefs of a little girl she’s sworn to protect.”
Main Conflict: “Soldier must escort a young girl to a mystical group during civil war where both sides will stop at nothing to prevent her from performing a sacred ritual that takes spirits to the afterlife.”
1. Opening:
Paladin Rafaela Gutiérrez struggles to find meaning in her life and blames herself for the kidnapping and murder of her young daughter. She dreams of starting over through an expensive retirement program called “After-Life” which allows clients to live out their days within a simulation indistinguishable from reality. Unfortunately for Rafaela, the cost of the program keeps this dream from becoming reality.
2. Inciting Incident:
Rafaela meets with anti-noble militia who offer her a large sum to escort Lena, an 11-year-old refugee carrying an experimental serum in her blood, to a mystical scientific group called The Hide, who are on the verge of discovering where consciousness goes in the after-life. Skeptical about such claims, she agrees when promised enough gold to pay for her luxurious retirement sim.
3. On page 10
Rafaela meets Lena and they begin their journey, but are ambushed on the road and taken to safety by Juan, leader of an extremist guerrilla group. (At this point, we know the movie is about a soldier who becomes responsible for the life of a refugee and must confront the demons in her past.)
4. First turning point at end of Act 1:
When Rafaela learns that Juan intends to kill her and Lena to use the new technology as a bargaining chip in the upcoming civil war, she drinks the only remaining vial of serum that had been kept secret! The two escape Juan just as war breaks out between revolutionaries and nobility.
5. Mid-Point:
Lena explains to Rafaela that they’ll die without blood transplants from The Hide and they must wait for the following midnight when Lena must perform a magic ritual to receive coordinates to the location! The civil war escalates as Juan’s group raids and seizes noble property and assets. Rafaela is now a fugitive as noble authorities blame her for Juan’s actions. Lena’s symptoms worsen and she can barely move. This forces Rafaela to perform the ritual in her place. They receive the coordinates and finally make it to The Hide!
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2:
Rafaela fights to stay alive and get to the group. Lena receives her transplant, but is driven into a coma by Juan, who tells Rafaela that her ritual meant nothing, he’d hacked her equipment to receive the coordinates.
7. Crisis:
Guilt-ridden over Lena’s coma, Rafaela decides to sacrifice her chance at removing the serum that’s killing her, to go help Lena.
8. Climax:
Rafaela defeats Juan and performs the sacred ritual.
9. Resolution:
Lena wakes from her coma and Rafaela goes to the afterlife having forgiven herself for the death of her daughter.
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Subject: Daniel’s concept and Basic Structure Version 1
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…
1. Logline: “In the year 2106, a cynical war veteran filled with self-hatred and guilt must open herself to the magical beliefs of a little girl she’s sworn to protect against the feudalism waging a civil war.”
Main Conflict: “A cynical war veteran must escort a little girl to safety as society crumbles in the wake of civil war.”
1. Opening: Paladin Rafaela Gutiérrez struggles to find meaning in her life and blames herself for the kidnapping and murder of her young daughter. She dreams of starting over through an expensive retirement program called “After-Life” which allows clients to live out their days within a simulation indistinguishable from reality. Unfortunately for Rafaela, the cost of the program keeps this dream from becoming reality.
2. Inciting Incident: She meets with anti-noble militia leader Henrietta Stone, and her lieutenant, Juan. They offer Rafaela a large sum to escort two refugees into the protection of a mystical scientific group called The Hide, who is on the verge of discovering where consciousness goes in the after-life. Skeptical about such claims, she agrees when promised enough gold to pay for her luxurious retirement sim.
3. On page 10, Rafaela meets Henrietta, Juan, and the two refugees: a mystic called Gloria, and Lena, an 11-year-old. At this point, we know the movie is about a soldier who is about to become responsible for the lives of two refugees and confront the demons from her past.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Henrietta is murdered in a coup led by Juan over an experimental serum carried through Lena’s blood. The serum allows Lena to speak with the consciousness of her dead father within a simulation she brings with her. When Lena learns that Juan intends to kill her for the only remaining vial of serum that had been kept secret, she entrusts Rafaela with it. Rafaela drinks the serum to stop Juan from killing her and decides to help Lena and Gloria escape and get to The Hide with Lady Monica’s help.
5. Mid-Point: At the estate of her matron, Rafaela discovers that they’ll die without a blood transplant. After Juan’s group raids, then murders everyone at Lady Monica’s estate, Rafaela, Gloria, and Lena go to a penal colony run by her brother Goyo, only to find that he’s lost his mind after becoming addicted to being in a simulation. The assistant warden reports them to noble authorities when he sees a news item blaming Rafaela for Juan’s actions. Gloria sacrifices her life during an elite military raid, allowing the others to escape. Rafaela and Lena must find a way to The Hide on their own.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: At The Hide’s secret location, Rafaela learns that Lena’s father had previously agreed to perform the “ascent of the soul” ritual, sending his consciousness to track the destination of an energy beam that peaks on a cycle synchronizing with the impending solar eclipse.
7. Crisis: Juan destroys Lena’s black box while she’s inside with her father and falls into a coma.
8. Climax: Guilt-ridden over Lena’s coma, Rafaela decides to break into Juan’s stronghold to perform the ceremony that Lena believes takes spirits to the afterlife.
9. Resolution: Rafaela breaks into the ceremonial chamber, defeats Juan, and performs the ascent of the soul ritual. Lena wakes from her coma and Rafaela goes to the afterlife having forgiven herself for the death of her daughter.
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Subject: Daniel’s concept and Basic Structure Version 2
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…
Through isolating these key beats and analyzing them for purpose and emotional impact, the “core” of the story begins to rise to the surface. I can see where I’ve added too many concepts. The brainstorming became less about seeking alternatives to cliché and more about removing unnecessary storylines (for this script anyway).
Logline: “In the year 2106, North American feudalism crumbles in the wake of civil war. A cynical war veteran filled with self-hatred and guilt must open herself to the magical beliefs of a little girl she’s sworn to protect.”
Main Conflict: A war veteran must escort a little girl and her father’s remains to safety against a dangerous civil war where both sides want them dead.
1. Opening: Paladin Rafaela Gutiérrez struggles to find meaning in her life and blames herself for the kidnapping and murder of her young daughter. She dreams of starting over through an expensive retirement program called “After-Life” which allows clients to live out their days within a simulation indistinguishable from reality. Unfortunately for Rafaela, the cost of the program, and growing debt to her matron, Lady Monica Critwell, keeps this dream from becoming reality.
2. Inciting Incident: She meets with anti-noble militia leader Henrietta Stone, and her lieutenant, Juan. They offer Rafaela a large sum to escort two refugees into the protection of a mystical scientific group called The Hide, who is on the verge of discovering where consciousness goes in the after-life. Skeptical about such claims, she agrees when promised enough gold to pay for her luxurious retirement sim.
3. On page 10, Rafaela meets Henrietta, Juan, and the two refugees: a mystic called Gloria, and Lena, an 11-year-old who carries her dead father’s consciousness in a small simulation box developed by The Hide. (At this point, we know the movie is about a soldier who becomes responsible for the lives of two refugees and must confront the demons in her past.)
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Henrietta is murdered in a coup led by Juan. When Rafaela learns that Juan intends to kill her and Lena to use the new technology as a bargaining chip in the upcoming civil war, she helps Lena and Gloria escape just as war breaks out between revolutionaries and nobility.
5. Mid-Point Day 2 Assignment 1: At Lady Monica’s estate, Rafaela learns they must wait until the following midnight to receive The Hide’s coordinates when Lena will perform a magic ritual! The civil war escalates as Juan’s group murders, raids, and seizes noble property and assets. Rafaela, Gloria, and Lena escape to a penal colony run by her brother, only to find that he’s lost his mind inside a simulation. The assistant warden reports them to noble authorities when he sees a news item blaming Rafaela for Juan’s actions. Gloria sacrifices her life during a military raid, allowing the others to escape. As Lena’s symptoms worsen, Rafaela performs the ritual, and they finally make it to The Hide!
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: Juan finds The Hide’s location and brings his battle with noble forces there. After successfully taking control of the base, Juan destroys Lena’s black box while she’s inside with her father and falls into a coma.
7. Crisis: Guilt-ridden over Lena’s coma, Rafaela decides to break into Juan’s stronghold to perform the ceremony that Lena believes takes spirits to the afterlife.
8. Climax: Rafaela breaks into the ceremonial chamber, defeats Juan, and performs the “ascent of the soul” ritual.
9. Resolution: Lena wakes from her coma and Rafaela goes to the afterlife having forgiven herself for the death of her daughter.
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Danny Rangel’s Logline and One-pager
What I learned from doing this assignment:
When to say “good enough is better than perfect.”
Logline: “A cynical war hero overcomes self-hatred and guilt when she opens herself up to the magical beliefs of a little girl she’s sworn to protect.”
Working Title: The Kingdom of The Father
One-page overview:
In the year 2106, feudalism dominates the globe. North American nobility struggle to maintain power against violent revolutionaries through a highly skilled, highly trained military. War veteran RAFAELA GUTIÉRREZ struggles to find meaning in her life and blames herself for the kidnapping and murder of her young daughter.
She dreams of starting over through an expensive retirement program called “After-Life,” which allows clients to live out their days within a simulation indistinguishable from reality. Unfortunately for Rafaela, the program’s cost keeps this dream from becoming a reality.
When offered a lucrative job helping a powerful anti-noble militia, Rafaela risks her home and social status to transport defectors into the protection of The Hide, a mystical scientific group on the verge of discovering where consciousness goes in the afterlife. Skeptical about such claims, she agrees when promised enough gold to pay for a luxurious retirement sim.
The journey begins as 11-year-old defector LENA interacts with her deceased father inside a simulation using a new technology carried by serum in her blood. When the militia leader is murdered in a coup led by her lieutenant JUAN, Lena entrusts Rafaela with the only remaining vial of serum that had been kept secret. Rafaela drinks the serum without understanding its effects.
They flee to the estate of her matron, where Rafaela learns the serum will kill her without a transplant. Juan’s group raids the estate, killing the matron and her children. Rafaela and Lena escape to a penal colony.
As Lena and Rafaela’s condition worsens, an irate Rafaela learns they must wait until the following midnight, using a magic rite, within a two-minute window to receive The Hide’s coordinates. Juan’s militia invades the colony and kills everyone just as Rafaela performs the ritual and gets the location. This act rekindles a sense of faith she thought long dead.
At The Hide’s secret location, Rafaela discovers that Lena’s father had previously agreed to perform the “ascent of the soul” ceremony, sending his consciousness to track the destination of an energy beam that peaks on a cycle synchronizing with the impending solar eclipse.
Juan brings his battle with nobility to the location. He destroys Lena’s black box while she’s inside with her father, sending her into a coma. Rafaela abandons her transplant to save Lena.
Rafaela kills Juan after telling her he’d rigged the signal to acquire The Hide’s location and her ritual meant nothing. With the total eclipse imminent, she screams at Lena’s lifeless body, insisting nothing can make her perform the “ascent of the soul” ceremony.
Rafaela performs the ceremony using the serum in her blood to bring back Lena. Lena wakes from her coma, and Rafaela goes into the afterlife, forgiving herself for her daughter’s death.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Daniel Rangel.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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Hello, my name is Daniel.
I’ve written 4 feature-length scripts and a handful of short films and one-act plays. Most of my work centers around my experience as a BIPOC and I’m specializing in Sci-fi/Fantasy. I hope this class helps me prepare my current screenplay for competition in 2023.
I’m learning to play the piano for the first time as an adult, despite writing and recording music most of my life.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Daniel Rangel.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
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Daniel Rangel
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Love how you compressed 4, 5, 6 into a single “Improvement” category!
Thoughts on improvement for Lisanna fighting the sharks in act 2… what specifically about Julian and these sharks that make them exceptionally good at attacking Lisanna’s greatest weakness? How do they force her into choices she doesn’t want to make? How does this generate more conflict with her daughter, the group and environment?
Thoughts on Julian… to quote John Yorke’s Into The Woods: “The antagonist they fear, then – the ‘monster’ they must overcome – is the embodiment of the very thing lacking in themselves.” So what specific character trait does he possess that’s lacking in Lisanna? How does he exploit this against her greatest weakness? How does she do that to him? In other words how do they bring out the best in each other?
🧜♂️🧜♀️
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Thanks for the shout-out Arial! Basic structure and logline are looking good. 🤘Love where your story is going. This would be a great Halloween pilot! 👻
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Congrats on creating characters that are three-dimensional with traits that generate conflict!
A thought: You’ve done a great job filling out what makes Mark a bad person, is there a specific physical or character trait that, if found out, would expose him as someone trapped in the mind of a little boy who’s had his humanity destroyed by abuse?
Nice work!
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Good job on creating a compelling inner conflict for Lisanna and Mia! It makes them both relatable and endearing. I misread that she wants to be like “Greta Thurnberg,” as she wants to be like “Lisanna.” Perhaps the conflict of wanting to be a normal teen comes from her secretly admiring her mother? Just a thought.
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7. INT. FUTURE STAR – CARD ROOM – DAY
Julian wants Lisanna to dive in the submarine cave.
I think you’re absolutely right about hitting this with conflict. Good job identifying an action that occurs just because another character asks!
24. INT. BUNKER – DAY
The group fights the shark with the stun gun and is able to get past it. Another tourist is killed.
FLAGGED BEAT:
Is there a more exciting way to fight the shark?
How about the stun gun itself has a miniature character arc? Like it stops working… then kind of works… then stuns the person holding it… and finally when it’s needed most… it works!
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*** 1. EXT. TRANSITION HOUSE – NIGHT (SELMA’S NIGHTMARE FLASHBACK)
“the transition house, hint that the story is about women leaving the house”
I like how you’re thinking here and think it speaks to the essence of this draft of your story. A journey of self-healing/self-empowerment from abusive and manipulative environments. Well done!