David Holloway
Forum Replies Created
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Dave Holloway’s Target Market
What I learned doing this assignment is how quickly one can come up with an extensive list of producers.
Title: American Journey
Logline: Fifty years in the future, a young, British lawyer and his best friend must journey across an American continent divided into independent states based on livelihood, identity and values to rescue his wife from a military state in which she has been sentenced to execution.
Genre: Drama, Thriller
Similar Movies: Lockdown 2025, 2047 Virtual Revolution, The Thinning, The Silencing, Odd Thomas, Division 19, Operation Toussaint
Producers: Carolynne Cunningham, Peter Jackson, Mpho Gift Twala, Jeff Blenkin, Fran Walsh, Eric Monette, Barrie M. Osborne, Tim Sanders
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Dave Holloway’s phone pitch
What I learned from this assignment is the need for brevity and clarity in a phone pitch.
I would lead with a high concept:
Fifty years in the future, a young, British lawyer and his best friend must journey across an American continent divided into independent states based on livelihood, identity and values to rescue his wife from a military state in which she has been sentenced to death on false charges.
Budget range: $15-30 million.
Nigel: William Moseley
Roger: Henry Cavill
Livia: Gabriella Wilde
Pages in script: 118
A few other producers have seen a query letter about this screenplay.
It fits your company because you’ve done dramas in the budget range of $15 to $30 million that I think is right.
The movie ends when a prison guard who is a member of the underground resistance movement frees the young woman from her cell. She gets out of the prison wearing a disguise and is driven by another resistance member to a meeting with her husband and his friend. They have shot and killed two policemen who discovered them waiting in their car. They flee in a car driven by another resistance movement member. When the car is stopped at a checkpoint, Nigel shoots two police officers. They proceed to a meeting point where a young woman pilot lands her plane to pick them up. The prison warden catches up to them,, and Nigel defeats him in a fight. They board the plane and fly to safety.
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Dave’s pitch fest pitch
What I learned in this assignment is the importance of being brief and basing the pitch on the major story idea and one or two other hooks.
1. Another script, “Powers That Be”, was a semifinalist in the Santa Barbara Screenwriting Competition.
2. A drama, titled “The Last, Best Hope”
3. Fifty years in the future, a young, British lawyer and his best friend must journey across an American continent divided into independent states based on livelihood, identity and values to rescue his wife from a military state in which she has been sentenced to death on false charges.
4. Budget range: $10-20 million.
5. Nigel: William Moseley
Roger: Henry Cavill
Livia: Gabriella Wilde
6. In the first act, Nigel is working as a lawyer in London, when his wife, Livia, communicates with him on SKYPE and he sees her arrested in a military state during the call.
In the second act, Nigel and his best friend, Roger, must travel across the American continent, now divided into independent states, and survive four assassination attempts to reach Shiloh, the military state.
In the third act, they arrive in Shiloh and, acting with an underground resistance movement, free Livia from prison and escape back to England.
7. The day before Livia’s scheduled execution, the resistance group and a sympathetic prison guard help Livia escape custody. Nigel defeats the prison warden in a fight and a young, American pilot, Amelia, who has flown them the last half of their journey to the military state, flies them to safety in a plane she’s flying for the first time.
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Dave’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of being brief and to the point.
Fifty years from now, a young English lawyer must cross an America divided into independent states based on livelihood, identity or philosophy, to rescue his wife, a journalist sentenced to die in a military state.
Nigel and his friend, Roger, travel by bus, taxi, train and small plane across the continent to reach Shiloh, the military state where his wife, Livia, is imprisoned. They endure four assassination attempts, and Nigel, who has never been in a fist fight, survives being shot and learns to engage in hand-to-hand combat.
His love for Livia fuels his journey, and they reach Shiloh before she is executed. With the help of an underground movement, he and Roger free Livia and escape to England.
If the concept sounds interesting, I’ll be happy to send you the script.
BIO: David Holloway’s script, “Powers That Be” was selected a semifinalist in the Santa Barbara Screenplay Competition.
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Dave’s Synopsis Hooks
What I learned doing this assignment is the need to organize the synopsis around hooks, rather than giving a summary of the plot.
Pitch based on Unique: The country has divided into a series of independent states based on identity, livelihood or political outlook. Each state presents different challenges to the pair, which result from its unique identity.
Wide audience appeal pitch: The husband and wife are young (25) and in love, which is evident in all their communications and in the husband’s determination to rescue her. There is a great deal of adventure, as they have to negotiate a number of attempts on their lives that are orchestrated by the head prison warden of the state where the wife is being held. The husband and his friend share good chemistry as they confront these challenges.
Story takes place 50 years in the future, when America has divided into a series of independent states based on ideology (an environmental state, an evangelical Christian state), primary source of income (business state, mining state) or identity (Native-American state).
The protagonist has never even been in a fist fight but must resort to violence several times during the course of the story, including in the climactic scenes.
The other protagonist is a 25-year-old woman journalist who displays great courage under the most harrowing circumstances, as she is imprisoned in a military state by a sadistic warden and scheduled for execution.
The protagonist is shot at in four different states and wounded in one of them.
Different states are in vastly different shape due to their central focus (business state is heavily polluted and its working class is rebelling against it because of terrible wages and working conditions)
The protagonist and his best friend undertake a long and very hazardous journey together. Though they’re good friends, they’re temperamentally very different: one is intellectual, somewhat timid, very moral, while the other is physical, enjoys getting into fights, and lives a much more physical than cerebral life.
Synopsis
Fifty years in the future, America has divided into a series of independent states based on livelihood, identity or political outlook.
A young English woman journalist reporting on social conditions in the military state discloses that political prisoners are being executed. She is quickly imprisoned as a spy.
Her husband learns of her imprisonment and sets out to free her, along with his best friend, whose courageous, adventurous nature contrasts with his intellectual personality.
They plan to fly to Los Angeles, near the capital of the military state, but their plane is forced to land in New York. They must travel across the continent overland in time to save her.
The states they travel through vary widely from peaceful to hostile. The protagonist has never been in a fist fight before but is forced to engage in violence on several occasions as they face four assassination attempts. Both the protagonist and his wife survive their separate ordeals due to their strong love for each other.
When they reach the military state, they must outwit the prison’s warden, and the protagonist must defeat an airport guard in a fight, allowing them to escape on a plane to freedom.
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Dave’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned in this assignment is the importance of refining the high concept and pitch to a single sentence that includes the most interesting elements of the screenplay.
High Concept: Fifty years in the future, a young, English lawyer and his friend face multiple assassination attempts as they journey across an America divided into independent states to rescue his wife, who has been imprisoned and sentenced to death in a military state.
Elevator Pitch: The script details the romantic quest of a young English lawyer, 50 years in the future, who must cross an America divided into independent states to save his wife, who has been imprisoned and sentenced to death in a military state. They face numerous assassination attempts during the journey until they reach the heavily fortified, seemingly impregnable military state.
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Dave’s 10 Most interesting things
What I learned in this assignment is that my story seems to have a good number of interesting aspects, and also that I need to give the antagonist a more rounded, fully developed personality.
1. Story takes place 50 years in the future, when America has divided into a series of independent states based on ideology (an environmental state, an evangelical Christian state), primary source of income (business state, mining state) or identity (Native-American state).
2. Different states are in vastly different shape due to their central focus (business state is heavily polluted and its working class is rebelling against it because of terrible wages and working conditions)
3. The protagonist and his best friend undertake a long and very hazardous journey together. Though they’re good friends, they’re temperamentally very different: one is intellectual, somewhat timid, very moral, while the other is physical, enjoys getting into fights, and lives a much more physical than cerebral life.
4. The protagonist has never even been in a fist fight but must resort to violence several times during the course of the story, including in the climactic scenes.
5. The other protagonist is a 25-year-old woman journalist who displays great courage under the most harrowing circumstances, as she is imprisoned in a military state by a sadistic warden and scheduled for execution.
6. The two young men travel from a business state that is very polluted to an adjoining environmental state that is thriving with healthy flora and fauns.
7. They meet three young Native-American men on a train and end up taking part in a gun battle between Native-Americans and hunters unwilling to recognize the rights of the Native-Americans.
8. One state is run by the Mafia and has been allowed to have few laws, which the other states agreed to because they hoped it would draw criminals away from their states.
9. The young woman is imprisoned in a military state that is fascist and repressive of individual rights.
10 The protagonist is shot at in four different states and wounded in one of them.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years ago by
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Dave Holloway Producer/Manager
What I learned today is to understand and focus on the needs of producers and managers.
Meeting with a Producer
I have a script that is well-written and takes place 50 years in the future. America has been divided into a series of independent states based on the identity of the population, or the primary economic activity there, or the political values of the residents. A young woman who’s a British journalist is sent to report on social conditions in some of the states. In a military state, she reports on her discovery that the government is executing political prisoners. The state finds out and imprisons her. She contacts her husband, a lawyer in London, who tries to save her along with his best friend. As their plane nears the east coast of America, the pilot announces the states along the Atlantic have declared their air-space inviolate to foreign carriers. So the two young men must journey overland across the continent to the military state, located where Southern California had been.
There’s a great deal of adventure in the script, as they have to overcome various challenges to their lives, which are created by the warden of the prison where the young woman is housed. There is also romance, as the young couple love each other, and the husband is willing to encounter any dangers to rescue his wife. The leads of the lawyer, his best friend, and his wife are all good parts, for they play the characters in dangerous posiitons where they must demonstrate courage, denacity and endurance I think it’s a story that has never been told before and would have wide audience appeal.
Meeting with a Manager
I have a script that I believe is well-written and will appeal to a wide audience, as it contains a great deal of adventure, and the love of a young, married couple is what motivates the entire story. I think the three lead characters are appealing roles for actors, as the story places them in many situations of danger and possible heartbreak, requiring them to demonstrate a number of qualities and emotions to survive.
I think the script demonstrates considerable writing ability on my part. I believe I can write other good scripts in the future in more than one genre. I believe I would be able to work well with a manager and a producer on a project, because I’m willing to make changes to the script and I can come up with solutions to various script problems.
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David Holloway Project and Market
What I learned today is the importance of answering these key marketing questions
Drama – “The Last, Best Hope” or “A Nation Divided”
Concept: Fifty years in the future, a young Englishman and his friend must cross an America divided into independent states to rescue his wife
There is a lot of adventure as the two young men must cross a number of independent states which are organized around vocation, politics or social identity. All the while, they must withstand one man’s attempts to have them killed.
I will target producers first because I would like to sell the screenplay directly.
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Dave’s wordsmithing
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that I had more repeated words than I realized. Also that eliminating some unnecessary adjectives and adverbs makes the read quicker and more interesting.
They pass a sterile, four-story building that appears to contain rows of apartments. The “W” is written in red paint on its walls. Policemen are stationed around the building.
They pass a four-story building that contains apartments. “W” in red paint appears on its walls. Cops stand around the building.
A clock in the New York airport shows it is 7:30 in the morning. A sign on the wall reads, ‘Welcome to the State of Industry’. People in worn clothing sell snacks, magazines and tee shirts. The departing travelers are well-dressed.
A clock in the airport reads 7:30 a.m. A sign reads “Welcome to the State of Industry.” People sell snacks and other inexpensive items. The travelers wear fashionable clothes.
Nigel sits at a table with Roger, who is 25 and has broad shoulders and rugged features, including a crooked nose that was broken in the past. They drink pints of beer.
Roger drinks beer with Roger, 25, who is broad-shouldered and has a crooked nose that was broken once.
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Dave’s Marketable Components
What I learned from this exercise is that I now have a much better understanding of what elements producer look at when deciding whether to request a script.
Fifty years in the future, a young English lawyer must travel overland across an America divided into independent states to rescue his wife, a journalist sentenced to death in a military state.
Unique: The story takes place 50 years in the future, the U.S. has divided into independent states based on identity (Native-American state), livelihood (a business state), or political outlook (environmental state). The states along the east coast have closed their airspace to foreign carriers, so they must begin the journey overland. Their experience differs markedly in the different states they pass through, depending on that state’s identify.
Wide audience appeal: There is a lot of adventure, as they have a number of narrow escapes while crossing the continent, and freeing the woman from prison is a difficult task. There is also romance, as the husband’s love for his wife motivates him to go through every obstacle to try to reach her. There is also good buddy chemistry between the husband and his best friend, who volunteers to go on the journey with him.
Pitch based on Unique: The country has divided into a series of independent states based on identity, livelihood or political outlook. Each state presents different challenges to the pair, which result from its unique identity.
Wide audience appeal pitch: The husband and wife are young (25) and in love, which is evident in all their communications and in the husband’s determination to rescue her. There is a great deal of adventure, as they have to negotiate a number of attempts on their lives that are orchestrated by the head prison warden of the state where the wife is being held. The husband and his friend share good chemistry as they confront these challenges.
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Dave’s Project and Market
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of choosing a target market and tailoring a script to that market.
Genre: Drama
Title: The Last, Best Hope
Concept: Fifty years in the future, America has divided into a series of independent states. A young, British journalist reporting on the military state discloses that they are executing their political prisoners. The state imprisons her and sentences her to death. Her husband must journey across North America with his best friend and attempt to free her before her date of execution.
I think this project is marketable because it speaks to the deep divisions in America today and offers a hypothesis concerning what could happen as a result. It’s also viable because it includes quite a bit of adventure and an element of romance.
I would target producers because I would like to sell to them directly.
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I, David Holloway, agree to the terms of this release form.
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1. Dave Holloway
2. Have written four scripts
3. Would like to learn how and when to pitch producers.
4. Was once a beer vendor in the stands at San Francisco Giants baseball games.
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Dave has tested every line
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that, although I thought my description was pretty spare and economical, I was able to remove quite a few lines of it. And I could see how the pared-down version would be faster and more enjoyable to read and would maintain the energy of the script better.
I eliminated over 30 lines by looking at the description using the listed means of evaluation.
INT. BUS – DAY
A police siren sounds from outside the bus, and a police car races up alongside it.
HAL
Shit!
He turns to the two husky men sitting in front of him.
HAL
Get ready, fellas.
The police car pulls in front of the bus and leads it to the side of the road. Two policemen climb up onto the bus.
Hal steps into the aisle and stands behind his bodyguards. The cops walk toward him.
FIRST POLICEMAN
Shannon – hands behind your head!
The policemen and the bodyguards charge each other and throw punches, swearing and struggling to force each other to the floor. Hal steps into the battle.
Finally, a cop bulls past the bodyguards and rushes at Hal. Roger steps into his path and lands a heavy blow to his jaw. He falls, out cold.
The bodyguards punch the other cop until he lies in the aisle, unconscious. With blood trickling from his lower lip, Hal walks up to Roger and pats him on the shoulder.
HAL
That was a helluva punch, pal. Son of a bitch is out cold.
Roger smiles.
ROGER
I’m from the laboring class, myself.
HAL
We could use a guy like you.
Hal kneels and removes the badge from the shirt of the cop Roger punched. He takes the gun from his belt.
The bodyguards take the badge and gun from the other policeman. One hands the badge to Hal. He looks at it for a moment and speaks grimly.
HAL
Another souvenir.
The bus driver walks back and looks at the two cops lying unconscious.
BUS DRIVER
Good work, guys.
The bodyguards carry one policeman off the bus and place him well off the road beside his car. Roger helps Hal carry the other cop off and lay him beside his partner.
HAL
Won’t look good for them, going back to the station like that.
The bus driver has stepped down from the bus.
BUS DRIVER
Let’s get out of here before more show up.
All five quickly step up onto the bus.
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Dave Has amazing dialogue
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that dialogue can be elevated readily using the techniques listed.
I improved 15 lines of dialogue in the script.
ROGER
Never thought I’d turn out to be soft. But it isn’t easy shooting a bloke up close.
ROGER
Never thought I’d turn out to be soft. But I couldn’t shoot the bloke up close.
ROGER
I heard Las Vegas was a big party town, decades ago. Bit of a Sodom and Gomorrah.
NIGEL
You’d think it would flourish in a state with no laws.
ROGER
I heard Las Vegas was a big party town, decades ago. Bit of a Sodom and Gomorrah.
NIGEL
Sounds like your kind of spot, Rog. You should’ve been born 30 years earlier.
ROGER
Force is the only thing that impresses the buggers.
ROGER
Force is the only thing the buggers believe in.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Dave has incredible monologues
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that using the model for monologues allowed me to add more depth and meaning to the story.
INT. PUB – NIGHT
Nigel sits at the bar with Roger, who is 25 and has broad shoulders and rugged features, including a crooked nose that looks like it was broken once. Each drinks a pint of beer.
NIGEL
Livia’s a good, solid girl. I’ve never seen her frightened like this.
Roger’s tone is brusquely sympathetic.
ROGER
Must be hell for you. Damned fascists. Have they let you talk to her?
Nigel shakes his head.
NIGEL
That’s part of the hell – never knowing how they’re treating her.
Nigel drinks from his beer.
ROGER
My uncle fought alongside the Americans in Iraq. Shrapnel from a mortar round hit him. He spent the next 50 years in a wheelchair.
Roger’s voice grows bitter.
ROGER
They told him freeing Iraq was the goal. Later, he realized it was a lie. It was so the damned Americans could get their oil.
Roger shakes his head.
ROGER
They slaughtered hundreds of thousands of civilians over there. He saw some of the carnage. Pieces of bodies in mounds of rubble.
Roger takes a drink of beer. Nigel places a consoling hand on his shoulder and speaks with a sarcastic note.
NIGEL
The military has a nice term for that – collateral damage.
ROGER
Military bastards. Ordering you to kill or to die. It’s my bloody life. I’ll decide when something’s worth risking it for.
Roger falls silent for a moment.
ROGER
Then the buggers lie to cover up their crimes. Same reason they put reporters in prison.
After a moment, Nigel speaks.
NIGEL
She’s being held in Ardennes, the Shiloh capital, near Los Angeles. I’m flying over there.
Nigel continues uneasily.
NIGEL
Feels a bit daunting – confronting a military state. I’ve never even had a fist-fight.
ROGER
You’ll do fine, Nigel. You’ve got the truth on your side.
Nigel’s voice softens as a memory immerses him.
NIGEL
Three kids cornered me on the street once, when I was 14. One of them stepped forward and punched me in the face, and I ran away.
He falls silent for a moment.
NIGEL
Never really gotten over it.
ROGER
Ancient history. You’re a stout bloke, now.
Nigel seems to awaken from his memory.
NIGEL
I’m leaving in two days.
Roger speaks somewhat shyly.
ROGER
Fancy an ally coming along?
NIGEL
Honestly, Rog?
ROGER
We became friends when we were 12. That’s more than half my life ago. And in all that time, you’re the only mate I’ve ever had who never mocked me in front of other blokes or made me feel small. Never broke a promise. Never lied to me. I’ve learned how to behave and be a friend by knowing you. Now that you’re in a bit of trouble, I wouldn’t be much of a mate if I didn’t try to help. You’ve already paid me for it by the way you’ve been all these years. I want to help. The fact that we’ll be fighting a bunch of fascist bastards just makes it better.
They laugh for a moment. Nigel’s eyes are full of gratitude and affection.
NIGEL
Damned good of you, mate.
They shake hands.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
In the morning, they eat quietly at the small table. The air among them is tense. A noise from Nigel’s phone signals a call. He presses a button on it.
NIGEL
Hello?
He listens for a moment.
NIGEL
That’s great news, sir! We’ll call as soon as we’re on our way.
He disconnects the call.
NIGEL
That was Hartwell. Shiloh’s given him permission to fly today.
ROGER
Damned good! We’re getting out of hell!
Nigel checks his watch.
NIGEL
Time to get going.
They stand. Nigel looks at Roger for a moment and speaks sincerely.
NIGEL
Rog, I can never repay you for coming along. Risking your life for Liv and I is more than we ever deserved. I’ve always looked up to you for being such a courageous bloke. And your loyalty has taught me what true friendship is. I’m a better person for knowing you, mate. I hope I’ve given you some fraction of what you’ve given me. And I hope to God that if only one of us sees tomorrow, it’ll be you.
Roger smiles.
ROGER
No better way to go out than in battle, fighting these bloody fascists with my best mate.
They embrace whole-heartedly. As they pull apart, Roger’s voice has a shy note.
ROGER
Like to lend a hand today.
Nigel shakes his head.
NIGEL
This is a one-man job, Rog. Having two there is a greater risk.
He pauses.
NIGEL
Besides, Amelia and Livia will need your help to get to the plane if I don’t make it.
Roger looks at him.
ROGER
Don’t say that, Nigel. And don’t think it.
Nigel nods.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
The plane speeds down the runway, and when the wheels lift off the pavement, the five passengers cheer. It circles above the coastal cliffs and sails out over the sweep of the Pacific Ocean and continues climbing into the air.
Roger looks at Nigel.
ROGER
We beat the bastards, mate! We bloody damned well beat them!
Nigel’s voice is exhilarated.
NIGEL
Fascism can be defeated!
Livia is immersed by a soft wonder. She speaks quietly.
LIVIA
This is like a dream.
She begins to cry softly.
LIVIA
I’d given up. Every day, more women were being executed. When you live for so long without hope, and the forces against you are so overwhelming, you begin to see you’re done for. The world outside becomes more distant every day, until it seems like only the prison exists. All that lay ahead of me was my execution. My hope had held on for weeks, but finally it died.
She hugs Nigel, sitting beside her.
LIVIA
It’s a miracle to see you, Nigel. But I know it’s real because you’re real. It’s too wonderful.
Nigel smiles as he hugs her.
NIGEL
I’ll never be as happy again as I am at this moment. It wouldn’t be possible.
Roger puts his arm around Amelia.
ROGER
Everyone, this is Amelia. A very plucky American lass who flew us all the way from Tribal to Shiloh.
They applaud Amelia.
NIGEL
My God, it’s because of her that we got here in time to rescue Livia. What are your plans, Amelia?
AMELIA
I’d like to see some of England. Maybe Roger will show me.
She and Roger smile at each other. Livia turns to June.
LIVIA
June, you saved my life. What will you do now?
June smiles.
JUNE
I don’t know. I’ve never been outside Shiloh. Touring London with you and Nigel sounds nice.
Nigel smiles at her and raises his voice.
NIGEL
What about you, Mr. Hartwell?
Hartwell turns partway back toward them.
HARTWELL
I can’t go back to Shiloh. But that’s all right. Life in Shiloh was hardly worth living.
He thinks for a moment.
HARTWELL
I’ve always heard good things about Elysium.
NIGEL
If you were living there, Shiloh couldn’t go in and – arrest you, could they?
HARTWELL
No. There’s no extradition between states.
They fall silent for a moment. Nigel’s tone is edged with humor.
NIGEL
By the way, sir, where are we going?
HARTWELL
I was thinking of Mexico City. A British Airways flight there takes off for London every day.
The five passengers cheer heartily.
FADE OUT.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Dave is great at subtext pointers
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this lesson is that injecting subtext pointers gives greater depth and gets the reader thinking about the implications with interest and speculation.
Example #1: Sarcasm
The passengers voice fear, confusion and dismay.
PILOT
Those planes you see on both sides of us have been sent to make sure we land in New York. Passengers wishing to return to London will receive tickets at no cost.
The passengers groan. Nigel looks incredulous.
NIGEL
It’s three thousand bloody miles to the west coast.
ROGER
And most of it’s swampland, I’d wager.
Example #2: Metaphor
They pass a sterile, four-story building that appears to contain rows of apartments. The “W” is written in red paint on the walls. Policemen are stationed around the building.
HAL
Workers’ housing.
ROGER
What are all the damned cops for?
HAL
To keep the workers in line.
Nigel speaks in a tone of amazement.
NIGEL
Like they’ve gone back to the Industrial Revolution.
Example #3: Insinuation
They’re silent for a moment.
NIGEL
After Wall Street collapsed, what did they build in its place?
The driver smiles faintly.
DRIVER
An amusement park.
Nigel chuckles.
Example #4: Allusion
The Native man leads them into a grove of trees. He takes the suitcases from Roger and Nigel and lays them in the tall grass beside a tree. He picks up five rifles from the grass.
He hands rifles to each of them. Nigel takes one uneasily. As they begin walking again, Notah speaks to Roger.
NOTAH
We’re not hoping to fight the hunters. But they must respect our right to our land.
JIM
If they can come into Tribal after the buffalo, they’ll come in for other things. And finally, our land will be gone.
Roger’s voice is soft.
ROGER
That’s what happened, wasn’t it.
Example 5: Implication
AMELIA
The tribes knew they’d have to fight. The hunters think this is still America, and they own it all.
Nigel’s tone grows softer as he remembers the battle.
NIGEL
I’ll never forget seeing them fall on both sides and hearing them cry out.
ROGER
Hasn’t been much progress here in 400 years.
Amelia shakes her head in sorrow.
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Dave loves covering subtext
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that subtext adds real depth to a scene and covering it with a line can do so as well.
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Dave loves anticipatory dialogue
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this lesson is that anticipatory dialogue really adds interest and energy to scenes and is not difficult to add to a completed scene.
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Dave loves attack/counterattack dialogue
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that writing banter can be easy and fun.
INT. TRASK’S OFFICE – DAY
A large window on the right looks out at a courtyard, where a staircase climbs to their level and up to the next two floors. Trask reads some papers at his desk. He looks up and is instantly attentive as Nigel and the guards approach.
TRASK
Nigel Williamson.
Nigel struggles to suppress his anger.
NIGEL
That’s right.
Trask stares at him, then turns to the guards.
TRASK
Thank you, gentlemen.
FIRST GUARD
You don’t want us to stay, sir?
Trask gives a half-smile.
TRASK
No. Mr. Williamson doesn’t look dangerous.
The guards hesitate for a moment, then walk out the door. Trask sizes Nigel up.
TRASK
I thought it’d take you longer to get here from Industry. How did you enter Shiloh undetected?
Nigel replies with a sarcastic note.
NIGEL
Perhaps because we discovered your tracking device a thousand miles back.
Trask smiles. Nigel grows impatient, and his voice becomes hotter.
NIGEL
You’ve imprisoned my wife on false charges and tortured her. She’s scheduled for execution tomorrow.
Trask answers defiantly.
TRASK
She violated Shiloh law.
NIGEL
You know damned well those charges are lies, and her reports of citizens being tortured and killed were true.
Trask’s voice grows more combative.
TRASK
Drawing public support for the Rebellion is a treasonous crime, punishable by execution.
NIGEL
And the Rebellion truly scares you, doesn’t it. That’s why your police cars are all over Ardennes.
Trask becomes angry.
TRASK
We do not tolerate crime and insurgency.
NIGEL
But you tolerate your own crimes, don’t you – like when you raped a security guard, June McConnell, 23 years ago.
Rage flares in Trask’s eyes.
TRASK
You’re fortunate that I’ve decided to keep you alive to witness your wife’s execution, tomorrow.
Nigel pauses a moment, and his belligerent tone lightens.
NIGEL
I’d like a look at the execution grounds. To know what she’ll see in her final moments. And what I’ll see, when it’s my turn.
Trask looks surprised and faintly suspicious.
TRASK
All right.
NIGEL
What about taking the handcuffs off. After all, I’m not dangerous.
Trask looks at him with distrust. He walks to Nigel, takes a small device from his belt and points it at the handcuffs, unlocking them. Trask takes the handcuffs and touches the gun in a holster at his waist.
TRASK
In case you try anything.
Nigel walks out the door with Trask behind him.
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Dave’s dialogue structures
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that using the different dialogue structures opens up interesting possibilities for the story’s direction that I wouldn’t have thought of, otherwise.
Set-up/major twist
INT. TAXI – DAY
One hundred yards ahead, a buffalo chews the grass. The driver slows, and they look at him closely.
NIGEL
Magnificent. They look like an ancient species – older and hardier than man.
ROGER
Sturdy bugger.
DRIVER
Millions of buffalo once lived on the great plains. They’re thriving in Tribal.
On the right, a field of green stalks of corn grows.
NIGEL
I’d love to see a great herd of them.
ROGER
What’s Wildlife, the next state, like?
The driver speaks grimly as he slows the car.
DRIVER
It’s a place where rich guys from Industry hunt and fish. They kill a lot of animals every year.
NIGEL
There’s an evangelical Christian state, isn’t there?
The driver nods.
DRIVER
In the South. Also an agricultural state, Heartland. And a state open to all immigrants. A few others, too.
A short ways ahead, a sign says, State of Wildlife. A building stands beside it. The driver gets out of the car and pulls their suitcases from the trunk.
DRIVER
Three hundred fifty dollars, guys.
Roger takes money from his wallet and hands it to the driver.
ROGER
Here’s four hundred twenty. Enjoyable ride, mate.
DRIVER
Thank you, sir. I admire your courage, gentlemen. Good luck.
He gets back in the car and drives off. He pulls out a phone, and begins to speak into it, quietly and precisely.
DRIVER
I just dropped them off at the border with Wildlife. It’s 4:10 p.m. I’m sure they’ll take the train across to the Tribal Nations. They seemed in reasonably good health and spirits. But they’re naive. They have no idea what Independence will be like, much less Shiloh.
He puts the phone back in his pocket and continues driving.
Deeper Layer Opposes Dialogue
INT. PRISON WARDEN’S OFFICE – DAY
Livia walks into the office of Luther Trask, the prison’s warden, accompanied by a guard. She wears a shapeless prison uniform, and her wrists are handcuffed in front of her.
Photos and commendations decorate the wood-paneled walls. On Trask’s polished desk, two pens sit in a golden stand, and a small video screen shows locations throughout the prison.
He turns to Livia. A harsh note of command dominates his voice.
TRASK
Take a seat.
Livia sits in a chair facing his desk. She looks nervous. The guard stands behind her.
TRASK
Livia Williamson, correct?
LIVIA
Yes.
From somewhere outside, a volley of gunshots is heard. Livia flinches.
LIVIA
What was that?
Trask suppresses a smile.
EXT. EXECUTION COURTYARD – DAY
Six prisoners lie on the ground, having just been shot. A guard walks up to each and shoots each of them with a handgun once in the head. Six prisoners are lined up against the wall adjoining the wall where the six prisoners lie. Six guards stand in front of them. An OFFICER barks an order.
OFFICER
Fire!
The six guards fire and the prisoners fall. The officer walks up to the prisoners and shoots each one in the head.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Trask’s voice is controlled and calm.
TRASK
Our guards have firing practice each morning. Keeps them sharp in case we have a prisoner trying to escape.
Trask picks up a set of papers on his desk and holds them in one hand.
TRASK
These articles you wrote state that we execute political prisoners.
She speaks with a soft defiance.
LIVIA
That’s right.
Trask looks at her, his voice growing louder.
TRASK
Who told you these lies?
Her response contains a passion suppressed by fear.
LIVIA
I won’t disclose their names.
Trask drops the papers onto his desk. He looks at her, his voice edged with threat.
TRASK
Publishing falsehoods about Shiloh is a treasonous offense punishable by death.
LIVIA
I’ve only reported what I was told. Is it treasonous to tell the truth?
Trask settles back in his chair for a moment. He eyes her closely.
TRASK
People have disappeared without a trace in this prison. Cooperating with authority is your best chance to remain alive.
LIVIA
So you’re admitting that you do execute political prisoners?
A spark of rage fills his eyes. He nods to the guard, who places a hand on Livia’s shoulder. She rises and walks out, followed by the guard.
Subtext drives the Meaning
INT. PRISON CAFETERIA – DAY
Livia sits with 20 other prisoners at a large table in the cafeteria. At two other tables, similar numbers of women are seated. A few conversations in muted tones are heard.
PRISONER ONE
I’m glad I had a will made six months ago. I’m leaving everything to my children.
PRISONER TWO
So am I. A friend of my husband’s is a lawyer. He drew one up for Bob and one for me. You never know how things work, do you. I thought it wouldn’t be needed for another 40 years.
PRISONER ONE
I guess we’re lucky our kids are teenagers now. Old enough to understand something about how the world functions.
PRISONER TWO
I feel sorry for them, though. Having to make their way at age 17.
PRISONER ONE
So much of Shiloh will disappear. Businesses, services, schools. They oppress the population and end up with half a society as a result.
PRISONER TWO
Serves them right. They’ve made this state Hell. We can only hope Hell is waiting for them when it’s their time to go.
PRISONER ONE
Amen.
Opposite meanings in dialogue
EXT. STAIRWAY – DAY
They walk up the outdoor stairway toward the next floor, side by side. Nigel looks at the prison buildings around them and at the courtyard, 50 feet below. They reach a landing.
NIGEL
How many prisoners are executed each week?
Trask looks at him with a hostile expression and speaks gruffly.
TRASK
Depends on how many are convicted of treason.
They start up the next flight of stairs.
NIGEL
Do the prisoners get a lawyer? Or do they have to defend themselves?
Trask gazes at him suspiciously for a moment.
TRASK
They’re given a chance to assert their innocence and a make a plea for clemency. But generally the evidence is overwhelming. It’s mostly a formality.
NIGEL
According to who?
Trask gives Nigel an icy glance. His voice grows angry.
TRASK
We only execute the guilty. And the evidence on these people is enormous.
NIGEL
If a people are oppressed and denied their basic rights, do you think they have a right to fight for them?
TRASK
Of course. But people in Shiloh live like kings compared to most of the world. We have the second-highest standard of living of any state, after Heartland.
NIGEL
But there are other rights beside the right to eat, correct? Like the right to give one’s opinion.
TRASK
They can do that, here. But they seem uninterested in doing so.
Nigel looks at him incredulously.
NIGEL
Aren’t they arrested if their opinion is contrary to the government’s?
TRASK
They’re arrested if they advocate the government’s overthrow. No one’s stopping them from expressing their opinions.
Nigel shakes his head wearily.
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Dave’s elevated dialogue
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that it really is possible to significantly improve each character’s dialogue.
I changed 17 of Nigel’s lines. Three favorites:
In five years, Charles, you’ll understand my approach, when your mail order bride is divorcing you.
I don’t care about a bloody hearing. I want you Nazi bastards to release her!
Invincible, abounding Nature. Superb.
I changed 14 of Roger’s lines. Three favorites:
Carrying the ball in the open field – feels like you’re flying. Pure bloody excitement.
Military bastards. Ordering you to kill or to die. It’s my bloody life. I’ll decide when something’s worth risking it for.
Probably told you not to hurt their feelings. In the old days, we sent a bloody armada to take the Falkland Islands back.
I changed 12 of Livia’s lines. Three favorites:
I’ve only reported what I was told. Is it treasonous to tell the truth?
Merely for the price of another person’s life.
Which is it, I wonder. Did you abandon your conscience for Shiloh. Or were you born without one.
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Dave’s elevated interest
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that using the interest techniques yields a number of ways to increase a scene’s interest.
Introduced one of the main characters, Livia, with a major twist – she’s in danger of being imprisoned in a foreign state.
Introduced another major character, Roger, in scene with internal dilemma for his friend, the protagonist Nigel, who recounts running from a fight when he was 14.
In Nigel’s second SKYPE call with Livia, there’s another major twist: she’s arrested by police in the military state.
As Nigel and Roger fly to Los Angeles in attempt to free Livia, the pilot announces that the states along the eastern coast of North America have closed their airspace to foreign carriers. Surprise – they will have to cross the continent overland.
As they’re taking a bus across the first state, there’s a surprise, as a brawl breaks out on the bus between a leader of workers in the state and two policemen.
Livia communicates to Nigel that she might not have much longer to live. Suspense: the state that has imprisoned her is executing journalists because they don’t want the truth of their activities being reported.
As they travel across another state on a train, they fall into conversation with three young Native Americans, who are going to a confrontation between hunters and Natives. Major Twist: oout of sympathy for the Natives, they end up participating in a gun battle between the Natives and the hunters.
They contract with a young woman to fly across the Native state, but their plane fails mechanically. Major twist: they are captured in the next state and put in its jail.
They escape the prison the next day and get into a helicopter that the young woman, figures out how to fly. Major twist: they now appear to have the ability to fly across the country to the military state.
They’re forced to land in Las Vegas. It’s in a state with no laws, and a group of young men approach them with guns. Suspense: they narrowly escape the group by taking the helicopter up into the air.
As they contemplate how to try to free Livia, Nigel and Roger get into an argument about what method to use. Uncomfortable moment: Roger makes a comment that could be construed as belittling to Nigel.
As Nigel contemplates rescuing his wife, he wonders if he’ll have the courage to risk his life. Internal dilemma: he is still haunted by the fight he ran from when he was 14 and questions his own courage.
As they arrive in the military state, they are unsure if Livia will be executed on any day. Suspense: Nigel is never sure when Livia will be executed and if he’ll be able to free her.
Livia gets a message to Nigel that there’s a man in the military state that flies people to freedom. Surprise: suddenly, there seems to be a chance they can escape.
We’re unsure if they’ll escape. Uncertainty: As they drive toward the home of the man who flies people out, the police are chasing them and getting closer. Even as the plane starts down the runway, the cops arrive and shoot at it.
Nigel fights the prison warden. Surprise: he defeats the man by forcing him over a railing to his death. Since he’d questioned his own courage, his ability to goad the warden into a fight and win it is a surprise.
They escape by flying to freedom. Major twist: after seeming unlikely to succeed for so long, their sudden freedom and success in freeing Livia is a stunning twist.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Dave’s Elevated emotion
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this exercise is that it’s always possible to elevate the emotion in a scene.
In a scene, I had the character who is imprisoned in a military state be subjected to torture. Make it more painful: I had her tortured to the point where she narrowly survives the torture, and will certainly succumb to another round of it, inducing greater audience sympathy for her.
The two male characters have to break out of a state where they’re being held. Proving themselves to others: I had Nigel, the character uncomfortable with violence, participate in a fight with a security guard in a crucial way that enables them to escape. Afterwards, his friend, Roger, compliments him on what he did.
The two male characters get involved in a gun battle between hunters and Native Americans. They fight on the Native side, and Nigel is shot in the arm though he doesn’t feel it. His ability to handle the wound, after he discovers it, proves to his friend Roger that he can handle violence to some extent.
The woman, Livia, who’s being held in prison, is offered the chance to walk out of the prison if she’ll give the warden the name of a citizen of the state who’s part of it’s anti-government Rebellion. Dilemma – making choice when both options cause a loss. Livia knows if she gives a name, the state will pick up and execute the person she names. She chooses sacrifice. She refuses to give him a name, thus condemning herself to remain in prison.
When Livia is in prison, I wrote a scene in which the warden sadistically takes Livia to watch an execution of six prisoners. Make it more painful – the scene has a strong emotional impact on Livia, particularly since she knows she is likely to be executed soon.
I wrote a scene in the military state in which Livia’s husband and his friend, Roger, drive around in the military state. Add more hope and/or fear – They see police cars constantly as they drive around. At one point, they see a cop shoot a fleeing suspect by sending a current of electricity through him, killing him. They see how tightly controlled and deadly the state is for anyone who opposes it.
As they try to escape the military state, their plane takes off just as the police arrive. Struggle – The police are ten seconds late, and as the plane heads down the runway, the cops arrive and shoot at it. But it’s going too fast, and their shots don’t disable the plane, which takes off without damage.
Nigel rescues Livia from the prison, and they get to the home of a man who flies them out. When their plane lifts into the air and they know they are free, they are overjoyed. Redemption – Nigel redeems himself by fighting the warden and killing him, exorcising his memory of running from a fight when he was 14. Winning after any of the above – After all the difficulty and danger of their trip overland across the continent, they successfully escape, which had seemed highly unlikely earlier in the trip and during the time they spend in the military state, which is so locked down that defeating it seemed impossible.
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Dave’s dramatic reveals
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this lesson is that reveals can truly give a jolt of excitement and meaning to the script.
I wanted to show Nigel’s emotional depth and the strength of his desire to free his wife from prison.
I showed him conducting a SKYPE call to the state where she’s being held. When an official stonewalls him, I had him yell at her, “I want to get you Nazi bastards to release her.” She disconnects the call, and he hurls his beer bottle against the wall of his home.
Early in the script, Nigel confesses he’s never been in a fight to his friend, Roger. He indicates fearfulness about confronting the military state that has imprisoned his wife.
Later on, he participates in a gun battle between Native Americans and hunters. He is shot but doesn’t feel it at first. When he later discovers the wound, he is able to handle the shock, and the pain of the wound that ensues, and becomes more self-confident from being able to handle the incident. He has more courage than he thinks.
Roger appears to be a man without much emotional depth. But near the story’s end, he tells Nigel how much their friendship has meant, and states if he’s killed the following day as they attempt to free Nigel’s wife, he can think of no finer cause to die for. We see his feelings run deeper than we thought.
June, a guard at the prison where Nigel’s wife is held, seems to be hardened and callous about the fate of the prisoners. Later, after Livia develops a rapport with her, June helps Livia escape the prison and accompanies her in the escape, at the risk of her own life. We see there is a good heart beneath her seemingly cold facade.
After expressing his discomfort with violence, Nigel at the end of the story maneuvers the prison warden into a fight. When the warden punches him in the nose, it brings back to Nigel the incident when he was 14, was punched in the nose, and ran away. A surge of anger seizes him, and he forces the warden over the railing of a stairway to his death. We see that he possesses more courage and proficiency at violent action than he thought he did.
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Dave loves character depth
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that there are a multitude of ways to improve the depth of a character.
I created a traumatic incident from the main character’s youth to reveal a hidden depth in him. Nigel was confronted on the street by three kids and punched in the nose when he was 14, and he ran away. It’s a memory that has remained with him. It is not fully resolved until the end of the script, when he engages in a fight with the warden of the prison where his wife is being unjustly held. The warden punches him in the nose, and Nigel manages to throw him over a railing to his death.
I found a depth in another character, Roger, a man who is comfortable with violence but has a hidden vulnerability. He confesses it to Nigel near the end of the story, telling him that he has always valued their friendship because Nigel is adept at dealing with people in an intelligent, decent way that requires no violence. Roger doesn’t have this trait to the same extent, so he tells Nigel one of the things he’s admired about him is his ability to treat people in a tactful, kind manner: in a way that shows “class.”
I found a depth in the third major character, Livia, who is Nigel’s wife. She is subjected to torture in prison on multiple occasions and is nearly killed by the last round of it. But even then, she refuses to tell her torturers where her husband is, in order to save his life. The warden also gives her the opportunity to walk out of the prison if she will tell him the name of one citizen who is part of the Rebellion against the state where the prison is located. She refuses, because she knows any person she names will be arrested and executed. So she demonstrates a tremendous depth of courage that I hadn’t suspected until writing these scenes.
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I’m willing to exchange with anyone who’s up for it. I’ve written a drama.
Dave Holloway
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Dave solved scene problems
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that, once a problem with a scene is identified, a solution can often be discovered and implemented pretty quickly.
I had a scene with too much exposition that also didn’t move the story forward. I was able to remove some of the exposition and to add something that moved the story forward. One of the characters recounts his experience in the Air Force and tells them how he learned to fly low to stay under radar. He tells them the state they’re heading to will have such radar, and thus gives them an important strategy to avoid it.
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Dave is cliche busting.
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this exercise is that the method of cliche-busting it lays out is undoubtedly an effective one. Identifying the purpose of the scene is a good way to make sure the rewritten scene will carry out its function in the screenplay while doing so in an original way.
I’m sorry but I couldn’t identify parts of any scene, or entire scenes, that I felt had been taken from any movie I’ve seen in the past.
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Dave’s solved character problems
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that introducing your lead characters by putting them into action provides numerous ways to illustrate their personal qualities in a memorable, dramatic way.
I realized the intro of my antagonist was not strong enough. He merely sat at his desk and interrogated the wife of the protagonist, an inmate in his prison, as to why she’d been doing what she was imprisoned for. So I wrote a new intro scene in which he’s watching a female inmate being questioned under torture, showing both his cold, non-empathetic nature and his belief in violence to enforce compliance with his objectives, which are absolute control of the prison and the elimination of opposition to the military’s control of the state where he works.
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Dave’s Structure solutions’
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is the crucial role the structure plays as the bones which support the body of the story.
Midpoint Turning Point: I didn’t emphasize enough the crucial impact of the Midpoint. When the protagonist is shot in the arm and survives, with the help of his friend who performs some first aid, he realizes that he has the capability to survive violent conflict. He references the last time he saw his own blood, when he was punched in the nose at the age of 14, which tormented to him in the intervening years. When he survives being shot, he gains a new sense of his own endurance, which gives him the confidence to make the rest of his journey with more decisiveness. He eschews seeing a doctor, as his friend suggests, and continues on. Later, when they are stopped in another state, he makes the decision to escape at the first opportunity, giving them the chance to arrive at their destination sooner.
I changed the scene by having him reference getting punched at 14 and by showing his greater confidence, indicated by refusing a doctor’s help. I also emphasized his decision to have him and his friend escape in the later scene, showing a new boldness in his actions.
Climax/ultimate expression of conflict – I needed to have the protagonist face the antagonist in Act 4. This was accomplished by his wife getting a message to him that disabling the warden of the prison in which she is confined is the key to enabling her to escape. This sets up the husband’s confrontation with the warden which results in the warden’s death.
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Dave Holloway has finished Act 4
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that finishing a first draft, even one filled with hastily written scenes, really does give a sense of accomplishment and feels like it could provide the foundation for a good script.
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Dave Holloway continues Act 4
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned is that the more I use the technique of speed writing, without caring too much about quality, the easier it becomes too do.
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Dave Holloway started Act 4
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that if you write the broad strokes of a scene in whatever words come to you, you can feel confidence that when you go back to the scene, you’ll be able to come up with better writing to improve the scene’s quality.
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Dave Holloway Finishing Act 3
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that pushing through every time I wanted to stall out and revise is possible, if I just shut down the urge to edit.
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Dave Holloway Continuing Act 3
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that using the speed writing rules lets me stand back from the story, rather than being immersed in the details of each line, and this allows ideas for new plot directions and new events to come to me.
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Dave Holloway began Act 3
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that I’m getting more comfortable using the Speed Writing rules and with not judging the writing as I go along.
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Dave Holloway Completed Act 2
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that using the high-speed writing rules allowed the energy in the scenes to remain intact, rather than being diluted and diminished by examining each line word by word and re-writing them. and thus breaking down the energy and continuity they originally contained.
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Dave Holloway Continuing Act 2
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from doing this assignment is that ignoring the impulse to wordsmith freed me to concentrate on the larger meaning of a scene and try to get across whatever the primary emotion or meaning of the scene is.
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Dave Holloway Began Act 2
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that using the timer was surprisingly easy and productive. My writing was not as bad as I thought it would be, and I was able to come up with scenes that honored the outline, even if they were rough drafts. It made the process of writing a screenplay seem somewhat easier.
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Dave Holloway finished Act 1
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned from this assignment is that the speed writing process gives me a better sense of the flow of the whole story and how it is forming than my usual slower writing process does, in which I get caught up in the minutiae of individual lines and scenes.
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Dave Holloway’s next Act 1 scenes
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that writing quickly allows me to feel encouraged by getting a good amount of work done per day. This makes the process of writing a screenplay seem less endless and exhausting.
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Dave Holloway Act 1 First Draft Part 1
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this lesson was that using the speed writing rules was a refreshing change from my unusual more painstaking style of writing. By letting my mind be open and not judging, I found some interesting ideas I probably wouldn’t have realized if I was being more careful. And by writing quickly, I also had some thoughts about future scenes and directions for the script to go.
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Dave Holloway high-speed writing rules
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of screenplays produced that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that my writing sometimes has more energy when I write scenes in this high-speed way.
It was very interesting writing in the high-speed method. I usually am pretty critical of what I write as I go along, so it was freeing to write without judgment. The quality wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Writing without criticizing brought some new ideas about ways to augment the story told by the outline.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Dave Holloway first scene
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
Doing this assignment was relatively easy, because I could rely on the outline. Having it down in outline form takes away a lot of the anxiety about writing a scene and allows me to concentrate more on trying to inject quality, since the outline already gives me the basic parameters of what will happen.
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Dave Holloway scenes
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is it opens up new possibilities for character and plot.
Act 1
scene 1
Arc: Nigel begins his closing argument and finishes it.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Beginning (intrigue): He says she had a contentious relationship with the children’s father. We wonder if he physically abused her.
Middle (mystery): He says she has an uncommon way of earning money. We wonder if she’s a prostitute.
End (cliffhanger): He says children’s father has threatened her life if she gains full custody. We wonder if he’ll kill her if she wins.
scene 2
Arc: Nigel talks to senior partner about pro bono case and another case he has.
INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY
Beginning (character changes radically): He tells the man he understands why they give him pro bono cases: “so the best work is reserved for you and your cronies.”
Middle (uncomfortable moment): Partner says “shows the bar we care about something besides money.” Nigel laughs.
End (suspense): He tells partner he’s looking forward to Wednesday morning. That’s the morning the papers carry an article about dark secrets of the firm he gave a reporter.
scene 3
Arc: Nigel’s friends at firm kid him about being dominated by wife and ask him to go to pub with them. He turns them down to wait for communication from wife.
INT. LAW OFFICE HALLWAY – DAY
Beginning (more interesting setting): Instead of talking in firm’s hallway, they talk at bar.
Middle (mislead/reveal): They ask him to stay and drink, and he tells them he has to go back to the office for more work. Actually, he goes back to his apartment, hoping to hear from his wife on SKYPE, since she’s in a foreign country and he’s worried about her.
End (betrayal): One of the others strongly encourages him to stay and drink. He secretly sees Nigel as competition for a partnership promotion and is trying to sabotage his efforts at the firm by encouraging him to be lax in his work ethic.
Scene 4
Arc: Nigel’s wife calls and tells him she’s in a military state that unfriendly to journalists. She expresses fear and Nigel expresses fear and concern.
INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT
Beginning (internal dilemma): Nigel is impressed by wife’s reporting overseas and knows she’s rapidly climbing ladder as journalist. He loves her, but has resentment that her work outshines his, and she may end up making more money.
Middle (external dilemma): He says he would like her to quit overseas reporting as too dangerous and taking her away from him too much, but knows she enjoys it and quitting it would severely compromise her career.
End (surprise): She tells him she has learned that the military state she’s in, Shiloh, has agents provocateurs in democracies around the world, who are working to undermine their governments to try and bring about authoritarian regimes in every country.
Scene 5
Arc: Nigel calls Cynthia’s editor and asks about her. Editor tells him they haven’t heard from her in three days and he’s worried.
INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY
Beginning (Superior Position): Editor tells Nigel he’s heard from her and everything’s fine. We know it’s not, or she would have contacted Nigel.
Middle (Major twist): Nigel becomes enraged at the editor for assigning Livia this dangerous assignment overseas. He tells him he’s going to sue him for negligently putting her in danger after assuring her she’d be safe.
End (Uncertainty): Editor says he’s got another employee in Shiloh who he’ll send to try to rescue Livia. We’re not sure if it’ll do any good.
Scene 6
Arc: Nigel sits in his office when he gets a SKYPE call from Livia, who is very scared and says Shiloh won’t let her leave the state and they’re following her everywhere. During the call, police enter her room and arrest her.
INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY
Beginning (Uncertainty): Livia puts on a brave face and assures him everything is fine and she’s safe in Shiloh. But her face looks tear-stained and there are dark circles of worry around her eyes, and he isn’t sure she’s being truthful.
Middle (Mislead/reveal): She tells him she has booked her flight to London from Shiloh and will be home in three days. She tries not to worry him, but three days later she’s in the Shiloh prison.
End (Cliffhanger): She tells him she has an “appointment” to two hours, and she says to remember she always loved him, leaving him very concerned for her survival.
Scene 7
Arc: Nigel meets with a government official, pleads for Livia’s release on a British talk show and enlists the Prime Minister’s help in getting her freed. None of these work.
INT. GOVERNMENT OFFICE – DAY
Beginning (Uncomfortable moment): Nigel appeals to the government official, and he becomes angry and tells him, “What do you want me to do about it? I don’t know Livia.”
Middle (Internal dilemma): On the television show, Nigel is unsure how emotional to get, thinking being emotional might move some in the audience to protest Shiloh’s actions. He finally gives in and breaks down during the show.
End (Character changes radically): During the Prime Minister’s words to the press, Nigel loses control and begins ranting nearby that the Prime Minister is weak and merely a tool for corporate interests.
Scene 8
Arc: Nigel watches his friend, Roger, play in a rugby game and later talks with him in a pub. Roger asks to go to Shiloh with him, and Nigel agrees.
EXT. RUGBY PITCH: DAY
Beginning (Character changes radically): Absorbing a hard tackle in the game, Roger loses control and starts beating the player who hit him to a pulp.
Middle (Major twist): While they discuss things in a pub, Roger admits he had an affair with Livia before she married Nigel.
End (surprise): Roger tells him his uncle was wounded in the Americans’ war in Iraq and put in a wheelchair, and he has always wanted to kill someone from a militaristic state since then. He asks Nigel if he can go, and Nigel accepts.
Act 2
Scene 9
Arc: Nigel and Roger board a plane to Los Angeles, located near the Shiloh capital, and during the flight the pilot announces the states along the east coast of North America have declared their airspace inviolate, so the plane will land in London.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Beginning (internal dilemma): Nigel suffers from being torn by gratitude that Roger is coming along, accompanied by guilt that their mission is dangerous and he knows Roger could be killed.
Middle (uncomfortable moment): Roger asks Nigel if he’s up to this mission, because “you often shy away from conflict and danger.”
End (surprise): Nigel tells Roger he has a close family friend who’s high up in the English government, and he will ask him for help when they land.
Scene 10
Arc: In the first state, Industry, they get on a bus that will cross the state. During the ride, a man tells them of the planned workers’ uprising against the Industry government, which is dominated by business. Police board the bus to arrest the man, and he and his two bodyguards, joined by Roger, outfight the two cops.
INT. BUS – DAY
Beginning (major twist): Two police board the bus and try to arrest Nigel and Roger, having been sent by Shiloh to do so. Roger and Nigel succeed in defeating the men in a fight.
Middle (character changes): Nigel is so moved by the stories the man tells about the workers’ oppression by business interests in Shiloh that he promises the man he’ll do everything he can to help their cause when he returns to London.
End (uncomfortable moment): The workers’ representative denounces Nigel as a pampered member of the ruling class and refuses his offer of help.
Scene 11
Arc: They take a taxi across Elysium, an environmentalist state and see its natural beauty.
INT. TAXI – DAY
Beginning (Intrigue): The taxi driver, who seems a normal guy, reveals that he is a former resident of Industry in exile and is plotting daily his return to lead a violent revolutionary movement that will overthrow Industry’s government.
Middle (character changes): During the drive, Roger is so enchanted by Elysium that he must be forcibly talked by Nigel out of staying there for the rest of his life.
End (betrayal): The taxi driver stops the cab and tries to hold the two hostage in the cab until the police come, because he is a Shiloh agent.
Scene 12
Arc: They take a train across Wilderness, a hunting and fishing state for the rich from Industry and meet three young Native American men who are going to confront Wildlife men at the border with their state, Tribal, about Wilderness hunters crossing the border into their state in pursuit of buffalo.
INT. TRAIN – DAY
Beginning (more interesting setting): There are no trains across Wildlife and no roads, so they must take a canoe with a guide to cross the state on a river.
Middle (internal dilemma): Nigel and Roger are so sympathetic to the story told by the three Native men that they want to stay and help them fight the hunters. But they realize they have no time to lose in getting to Shiloh and Livia.
End (cliffhanger): They get to the border with Tribal and see the Natives lined up against the hunters. It seems inevitable that fighting will soon start. As they leave on a small plane, they see fighting break out between the two groups below but fly away before they can see who will prevail.
Scene 13
Arc: They are told of a young woman who will fly them across Tribal, and she does, saving them several hours versus taking the train. She agrees to take them across the next state, El Dorado, but their plane has mechanical problems and they have to land in El Dorado.
INT. PLANE – DAY
Beginning (character changes): The young pilot seems a kind, conventional young woman, but when they tell her of what Shiloh has done to Livia, she reveals a longstanding hatred of Shiloh’s fascism, volunteers to fly them to Shiloh and also to try to help them free Livia.
End (major twist): They break out of jail and take off in one of the state’s helicopters, which Amelia, the young woman, learns to fly on spur of the moment.
Scene 14
Arc: Livia meets another prisoner, Adrienne, who tells her that almost all the prisoners will be executed soon. She meets a woman guard, June, who Adrienne told her was somewhat sympathetic. Livia tries to develop a friendship with her.
INT. PRISON – DAY
Beginning (major twist): Livia talks to another prison, Adrienne, who tells her she’s part of a radical underground in Shiloh that has been working for months to overthrow it. Adrienne’s husband will soon becoming with other mnembers of the radical force to take the prison by force and free the prisoners.
Middle (internal dilemma): June tells Livia she’ll help her escape if Livia will take her out of the state with her. Livia does not feel it will be possible to take June as well but pretends she will so June will help her escape.
End (uncomfortable moment): The prison warden tells Livia he’ll let her go free if she’ll have sex with him.
Act 3
Scene 15
Arc: They begin to fly across Independence, the next state, but have to land to refuel. They are near Denver and see part of the city is in flames. Amelia tells them about the poverty and crime there. As they are about to leave, outlaws approach them, and Nigel and Roger fire on them to enable themselves to escape.
EXT. INDEPENDENCE – DAY
Beginning (misinterpretation): They think the outlaws approaching are coming to kill them, but they are people trying to flee conditions in Independence and hoping Amelia and the others will fly them out. As the helicopter takes off, some cling to the bottom for a moment, trying to board.
Middle (major twist): Roger, seeing Amelia’s coolness under fire and being attracted also to her good nature, begins to fall in love with her.
End (surprise): As they fly away from the people they think are outlaws and realize they are safe again, they cheer, and Amelia softly places her hand on Roger’s knee, indicating an interest in him he didn’t know she felt.
Scene 16
Arc: The warden, Trask, believing Nigel must be near Shiloh, orders stepped-up security at its borders. He orders Livia’s execution to take place in three days, hoping to make Nigel watch it while in custody.
INT. PRISON – DAY
Beginning (Intrigue): Trask rages into a telephone, demanding that security be stepped up across Shiloh. He rages at his prison’s Chief of Security, demanding that Livia have no possible chance to escape.
Middle (Betrayal): He summons June to his office, tells her she’s been observed talking to Livia, and tells her if Livia escapes, June will be executed.
End (character changes): June erupts in fury, accusing Trask of having raped her 23 years before, and threatening to report it to Shiloh authorities.
Scene 17
Arc: June speaks more directly to Livia than usual, telling her of Trask’s threat. Livia tells her she hopes to escape, and June offers her any assistance she can. She asks Livia if they’ll take her with them, and Livia agrees to.
EXT. PRISON YARD – DAY
Beginning (uncomfortable moment): June talks to Livia. There are tears in her eyes as she recounts her conversation and Trask’s threat.
Middle (internal dilemma): Livia mentions she wants to escape, and June asks to go. Livia thinks taking June will make the escape more difficult, but relents due to June’s kindness, and says they’ll take her.
End (cliffhanger): June tells her that her execution is scheduled in three days. Livia tells her to be ready in the next day for some communication from Nigel or his friend Roger, and that they hope to escape within the next two days.
Act 4
Scene 18
Arc: Amelia flies the helicopter over Shiloh’s western border, believing security will be less heavy on the miles along the ocean. She flies low to the ground, hoping to avoid Shiloh’s radar. They land in an open field 20 miles from the capital.
EXT. SHILOH FIELD – NIGHT
Beginning (major twist): June communicates to Nigel, telling him of a man who’s part of the Rebellion and flies people out of the state to avoid capture and execution. She gives him the man’s name and phone number, and Nigel promises to get in touch with him.
Middle (surprise): Nigel tells Amelia to check into a hotel in the capital, Ardennes, so she’s not seen or associated with them and won’t be executed if they’re caught. She agrees.
End (uncomfortable moment): Nigel decides he will get caught by the police, hoping to get close to Livia and to Trask. When he parts from Roger, they’re reluctant to express their emotions, knowing this could be the last time they ever see each other. They express respect for each other and hope to succeed in their mission.
Scene 19
Arc: Nigel communicates to June his plan to free Livia and asks June to get a maintenance worker’s uniform for him. He gets arrested and imprisoned in the facility where Livia is held. Roger goes with Amelia to meet the pilot who flies people out of Shiloh.
EXT. SHILOH STREET – DAY
Beginning (more interesting setting): Nigel tries to remain undetected as he hurries along the Shiloh streets. When he gets to the prison, he stands in front of it, loudly berating Trask and the entire Shiloh system. Military police quickly appear, arrest him and bring him into the prison.
Middle (character changes): Nigel is brought by a guard to Trask’s office. Once there, he sees an elevated walkway between buildings and asks where it leads. Trask tells him it leads to the building where prisoners are executed. Nigel asks to see it, since Livia will be executed there. Trask agrees. As they’re on the walkway, Nigel hits Trask and a fight begins. Nigel is hit in the face, then hits Trask in the pit of the stomach. Trask is doubled over for a moment, and Nigel lifts him over the railing and he falls to his death.
End (cliffhanger): Nigel calls June and she meets him outside the warden’s office with the maintenance man’s uniform. He walks out of the prison in the uniform, and June takes Livia out of her cell in handcuffs and out the rear entrance of the prison.
Scene 20
Arc: The four and June reunited at a prearranged location several blocks from the prison and proceed to the place where the plan awaits. The pilot flies them out to freedom.
EXT. SHILOH STREET – DAY
Beginning (Surprise): Roger approaches a cab along the curb and offers the driver three hundred dollars to loan him his cab for two hours, on the condition that he not tell anyone of the incident. The man seems suspicious but agrees.
Middle (suspense): Amelia, Livia, June and Nigel meet in a grove of trees in a small park several blocks from the prison. They wait for several moments, worrying about Roger. Finally, he arrives, and they climb into his cab.
End (susprise): They meet the pilot with his plane at the site they’ve been told about. The plane takes off, and the pilot announces he has to take them to Mexico City, as it won’t be safe for them to fly out of the airport in Empire because of Shiloh’s agents there. As the plane heads out over the Pacific, they cheer for their freedom.
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Dave Holloway scene requirements
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that it gave me a clean overview of the story.
Act 1
Essence: We see Nigel Williamson passionately arguing in court for a mother to retain custody of her children.
Conflict: He is fighting for her to retain custody rather than having the state assume custody.
Subtext: We see he is passionate about these people who are his clients, but it’s a controlled passion, and he seems a very civilized man.
Hope/fear: We hope his client wins and fear she will not.
Essence: Nigel talks with a senior partner in his firm about how the case went and talks about his work on another case.
Conflict: He is trying to impress the senior partner with the quality of his work.
Subtext: He wants to ensure his future with the firm by presenting his work in a positive light.
Hope/fear: We hoope the senior partner is impressed by his work and fear he might not be.
Essence: When asked by co-workers at his firm to accompany them to a pub after work, he declines, telling them he wants to be home in case his wife, who is reporting from some of the independent states in North America, gives him a SKYPE call.
Conflict: They chide him about being dominated by his wife, and he humorously defends himself by pointing out the flaws in the others’ lives.
Subtext: We see his bond with his wife is strong, and he’s able to defend himself with quick thinking and wit.
Hope/fear: We hope the jibes of the others don’t hurt him and fear they might.
Essence: Nigel is at home in his apartment when his wife, Livia, calls on SKYPE. She tells him she’s in a military state, Shiloh, and she fears for her safety, as the state is not friendly to journalists.
Conflict: As a journalist, she is endangered by the state’s antagonism to journalism.
Subtext: She is quite fearful for her safety, as is Nigel.
Hope/fear: We hope she will be safe and fear she might not be.
Essence: The warden of the Shiloh prison, Luther Trask, reads Livia’s articles depicting the brutal conditions in Shiloh and, fearing their bad presentation of the state, orders her arrested and imprisoned.
Conflict: Her presentation of the truth she observes has drawn the ire of an important official.
Hope/fear: We hope she’ll be okay but fear she won’t be in the prison of a brutal state.
Essence: At a pub with his co-workers, he tells them his wife has been incommunicado for three days, and he’s very concerned about her.
Conflict: Livia’s safety is in doubt in the prison of this state.
Subtext: She could be in great danger, particularly in a military state like Shiloh.
Hope/fear: We hope she’ll be all right, but her safety is very threatened.
Essence: Nigel calls Livia’s editor and asks if they’ve heard from her. He says they haven’t.
Conflict: It appears communication is being made more difficult by the authorities.
Subtext: The state is clamping down.
Hope/fear: We hope she’ll survive, but it’s looking darker for her.
Essence: At his office, he gets a SKYPE call from Livia, who tells him things have gotten worse in Shiloh. As they talk, military police break into her room and arrest her.
Conflict: She is now in the grip of the Shiloh penal system.
Subtext: Her safety is in extreme doubt.
Hope/fear: We hope she’ll survive, but she’s in extreme danger.
Essence: Nigel SKYPE calls Shiloh and talks to a low-level official. When she stonewalls him, he becomes enraged and says he wants “you Nazi bastards” to release her.
Conflict: We see Shiloh is an armor of bureaucracy.
Subtext: Nigel is increasingly worried and emotionally spent.
Hope/fear: We hope he’ll succeed but see how hard it will be against this well-defended military state.
Essence: Nigel talks to a British government official, who tells him Britain has no diplomatic relations with Shiloh, and so they can’t do much to free Livia.
Conflict: Nigel wants the government on his side in the fight.
Subtext: There’s nothing the government can do.
Hope/fear: We hope Livia will be freed, but we know now that it will be difficult without his government’s support.
Essence: Nigel appears on a British television show, appealing to the British to call for Livia’s release and appealing to Shiloh to release her.
Conflict: He’s trying to marshal popular support for his quest.
Subtext: We see his increasing desperation.
Hope/fear: We hope he’ll succeed but fear this effort will not be successful.
Essence: The Prime Minister, in front of reporters, appeals to Shiloh for Livia’s release. He admits that there’s little Britain can do, beyond that.
Conflict: Nigel wants to get the British government behind him, but they can’t do much.
Subtext: Things are desperate for Nigel, as he’s running out of alternatives.
Hope/fear: We hope he’ll succeed, but it looks increasingly unlikely.
Act 2
Essence: Nigel watches his friend, Roger Darby, play in a rugby game.
Conflict: We see Roger play powerfully against the opponent.
Subtext: We see Roger is a courageous, hardy man.
Hope/fear: We hope his team wins, fear it won’t.
Essence: At a pub after the game, Nigel tells Roger about Livia’s imprisonment and says he’s flying to Shiloh to try to get her released. Roger volunteers to go along, and Nigel accepts. Nigel recounts an incident when he was 14, and a boy punched him and he ran away.
Conflict: Roger expresses a dislike for the military and for the military state of Shiloh.
Subtext: We see Roger is naturally brave and adventurous.
Hope/fear: We hope Roger’s assistance will help Nigel be successful and fear it won’t.
Essence: On the flight to Los Angeles, located near the Shiloh capital, the pilot announces the states along the eastern coast of North America have declared their air space inviolate, so the plane will land in New York.
Conflict: We see their arrival in Los Angeles is now threatened.
Subtext: It seems that the North American states present challenges.
Hope/fear: We hope they’ll make it, but the trip now looks more difficult.
Essence: Trask becomes aware, due to Shiloh’s access to media worldwide and airline passenger lists, that Nigel and Roger are coming to Shiloh. He orders an agent to plant a tracking device on Nigel in Empire, the state where New York is located.
Conflict: We see the fight between Trask and the two is joined.
Subtext: We see how seriously Trask takes Nigel’s quest.
Hope/fear: We hope Nigel will be successful but see the odds mounting against him.
Essence: Nigel and Roger board a bus to cross Empire. A crew-cut man places his suitcase in the baggage compartment next to Nigel’s then withdraws Nigel’s, explaining to the driver that he wants to keep his suitcase with him to avoid damage or theft. He gets on the bus with Nigel’s suitcase.
Conflict: We see the agent Trask has sent will try something with his suitcase.
Subtext: We see the long reach of Trask and Shiloh.
Hope/fear: We hope for Nigel’s success, but see obstacles rise before him.
Essence: On the bus ride, they meet a man who tells them of the fight between workers and capitalists in Empire. During the ride, police board and try to arrest him, but he and his bodyguards, along with Roger, fight them off. They see the tremendous pollution and poverty in Empire. The crew-cut man attaches a tracking device to Nigel’s shoe in the suitcase.
Conflict: We see this state is riven by conflict with little hope of resolution.
Subtext: We see that there are many problems with the states that replaced the United States.
Hope/fear: We hope they’ll succeed, but the odds are getting longer, as we see all the division in the different states.
Essence: At the next state, the crew-cut man gets off, places Nigel’s suitcase near others that have been taken out, sees Nigel walk away with it, and takes his own.
Conflict: We see the continuation of Trask’s plot against Nigel.
Subtext: We now know Nigel is carrying some device from Shiloh.
Hope/fear: We hope it won’t matter, but it worries us that this device has been implanted.
Essence: At the next state, Elysium, an environmentalist state, they take a water-driven taxi across the state and see its beautiful landscape.
Conflict: We see this is a peaceful state but worry about them getting to Shiloh in time.
Subtext: We see that at least one of the states is not torn by conflict.
Hope/fear: We hope they’ll have swift passage across other states but fear they won’t be as easy as Elysium.
Essence: Trask interrogates Livia and tries to get her to reveal the names of people who told her Shiloh executes its political opponents. She refuses, and he threatens her life.
Conflict: We see the harsh and brutal nature of Trask and Shiloh.
Subtext: We see how dangerous Shiloh is, and thus how difficult freeing Livia will be.
Hope/fear: We hope Nigel will succeed but see how difficult and dangerous it will be.
INT. TRAIN – NIGHT
Nigel and Roger take a train across Wildlife, a state used by wealthy men from Empire for hunting and fishing. They meet three young Navajo men who are going to a meeting with hunters from Wildlife.
Essence: There is conflict between the Natives and the hunters, who’ve been trespassing on Native lands in pursuit of buffalo to hunt.
Conflict: The Natives resent the hunters for trespassing on their land.
Subtext: The situation reflects the oppression of the hunters toward the Indians, and that of white men toward Natives.
Hope/fear: We hope the situation will be resolved peacefully and fear it won’t.
EXT. TRIBAL NATIONS – DAY
Essence: The attempted settlement fails, and the Natives, joined by volunteers from Elysium, have a gun battle with the hunters. Nigel and Roger join the Natives, and Nigel is shot through the forearm.
Conflict: The fight echoes centuries of fighting between whites and Natives.
Subtext: This is the first time Nigel has participated in violence, and he is pleased to be shot and not lose his nerve.
Hope/fear: We hope he’ll be okay and fear he won’t.
EXT. TRIBAL NATIONS – DAY
Essence: Nigel gets a communication from Livia, informing him she may not have many more days left to live, as Shiloh executes people more readily.
Conflict: We see that Shiloh is increasingly harsh.
Subtext: We can feel the time for Nigel to save her is shrinking.
Hope/fear: We hope Nigel will be able to save Livia but fear he won’t have time.
INT. TRAIN STATION – DAY
Essence: When the two go to the Tribal train station, they learn of a young woman who might fly them across the state. They meet Amelia, who agrees to do it.
Conflict: They still must travel as quickly as possible across the continent and flying saves them time.
Subtext: Their hopes of crossing the continent on time are buoyed by the swift air travel.
Hope/fear: We hope this will enable them to get to Shiloh in time and fear it won’t.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Essence: The two grow friendly with Amelia on the plane, and she agrees to fly them across the next state, El Dorado.
Conflict: Their time to reach Shiloh is dwindling.
Subtext: The situation in Shiloh is growing more dire.
Hope/fear: We hope they’ll make it and fear they won’t.
EXT. EL DORADO – DAY
Essence: Their plane develops mechanical trouble, and Amelia lands it in a corn field in El Dorado, where they are captured by the police force of the state.
Conflict: The man who capture them are well-armed and serious, making it seem like they won’t soon get out of the state.
Subtext: This is another delay in their rush to get to Shiloh.
Hope/fear: We hope they’ll get to Shiloh in time and fear they won’t.
INT. PRISON – NIGHT
Essence: In the El Dorado prison, the tracking device is discovered on Nigel, and they learn it’s from Shiloh.
Conflict: They are put in cells, and the state is very serious about security.
Subtext: We aren’t sure if or when they’ll get out of prison.
Hope/fear: We hope they’ll get out soon and fear they won’t.
INT. PRISON – DAY
Essence: When the two are being escorted to the showers the next morning, Roger punches the guard who is escorting them, and Nigel tackles him. Roger chokes the man out, and they free Amelia from her cell and escape the prison.
Conflict: They may have a way out of what seemed a difficult place to escape.
Subtext: This gives new hope of getting to Shiloh on time.
Hope/fear: We hope they’ll escape and fear they won’t.
EXT. EL DORADO – DAY
Essence: They run to a yard where numerous helicopters are parked, and Amelia tries to fly one. She nearly crashes it, but figures out how to fly it, and they escape the state.
Conflict: They’ve escaped a very difficult situation.
Subtext: Being able to fly should enable them to get to Shiloh faster.
Hope/fear: We hope there’s still time to save Livia and fear there isn’t.
INT. SHILOH PRISON – DAY
Trask becomes aware the tracking device is no longer operational, and he orders increased security at the Shiloh border, to try to apprehend them if they enter.
Conflict: We see he is determined to keep Nigel from getting to Livia.
Subtext: This will make it harder for Nigel to succeed.
Hope/fear: We hope Nigel will succeed, but this makes it seem less likely.
EXT. SHILOH PRISON – DAY
Essence: Livia talks with another prisoner, Adrienne, who tells her that almost all the prisoners there will be executed. She tells her that a woman guard, June, had seemed somewhat friendly in the past.
Conflict: We see the deadly aspect of Shiloh’s prison.
Subtext: This makes Livia’s death more likely.
Hope/fear: We hope she’ll survive but are less sure it can happen.
Act 3
Essence: They begin flying across the next state, Independence, but have to land to refuel the helicopter. They see, on the outskirts of Denver, that part of the city is on fire, and Amelia tells them of the poverty and violence there. When outlaws approach them, Roger and Nigel fire on them to enable themselves to escape in the helicopter.
Conflict: We see again more obstacles to their getting to Shiloh in time.
Subtext: This makes Livia’s survival seem more tenuous.
Hope/fear: We hope she’ll survive but are more worried they won’t reach her in time.
Essence: Livia talks to June, the guard, who confesses she has heard about what the area was like before it became Shiloh, and says it sounds like a better life. Livia tells her about her marriage and life in England and June seems intrigued.
Conflict: We see Livia trying to wear down June’s resistance to a personal relationship.
Subtext: Livia is trying to become friendly, hoping June can help her escape.
Hope/fear: We hope she’ll succeed but fear the prison will be too formidable.
Essence: Trask interrogates Livia again, promising her the chance to walk out of prison if she’ll give him the name of one Shiloh citizen who told her the state executes political prisoners. She refuses, knowing that person will be arrested and killed.
Conflict: We see Trask trying to break Livia’s resistance, but he won’t be broken.
Subtext: She shows incredible courage and principle.
Hope/fear: We hope she’ll escape but fear her principles may have prevented her from freeing herself.
Essence: As they fly toward Shiloh, Nigel tells Roger that if a failure of nerve on his part causes the mission to fail, he’ll never forgive himself.
Conflict: We see Nigel knows how dangerous their effort will be, given the power of Shiloh.
Subtext: We see Nigel preparing himself to risk his life and lose it if necessary in the attempt to free Livia.
Hope/fear: We hope he’ll succeed, but fear Shiloh is too strongly fortified.
Essence: June confesses to Livia that she was raped several times at the prison by older male guards when she was a young guard. Livia sympathizes and declares her desire to escape. June is sympathetic, and pledges to help her. Livia says they’ll take June along if she wants to escape.
Essence: Surmising that Nigel is drawing close, Trask orders Livia’s execution to take place in three days and does everything he can to ensure Nigel’s arrest in Shiloh, hoping to have Nigel witness Livia’s execution.
Essence: Nigel receives a communication from June, informing him Livia will be executed in three days. He answers, telling her he will be contact her when he gets to Shiloh.
Conflict: Nigel realizes there’s no time to waste in freeing Livia.
Subtext: He will be desperate from here on.
Hope/fear: We hope he’ll succeed, but little time is left.
Act 4
Essence: They fly low over Shiloh’s western border along the ocean, hoping to be low enough to be undetected by the state’s radar. They land in a field 20 miles from the capital, stop a car on the road, force the driver out, and drive the car to the capital.
Conflict: Now the final battle has begun.
Subtext: There’s no going back now.
Hope/fear: We’re encouraged that they’re inside the state, but still fearful of their capture.
Essence: They have Amelia check into a hotel for her safety and wait for word from them. Nigel and Roger, to remain undetected, sleep in a park in the capital. They wake up and see police shoot a man with guns that emit a current of electricity that goes through him, killing him instantly. They see photos of themselves broadcast on large screens on the street, alerting citizens to report them on sight.
Conflict: They’re in the capital and are now at their most vulnerable.
Subtext: The killing of the man and the screens with their photos show the deadliness of the authorities in Shiloh.
Hope/fear: We hope they’ll succeed but can easily imagine them being killed before they get to Livia.
Essence: Nigel communicates with June, telling her he hopes to be in the Shiloh prison soon, and asking her to have a maintenance man’s uniform ready for him. Nigel decides the best way to confront Trask is to be arrested. He stands outside the prison and begins loudly criticizing the state of Shiloh. He’s quickly arrested. Realizing who he is, the police take him to the prison and place him in a cell.
Conflict: Nigel is in their grasp now.
Subtext: He’s closer to Livia than ever but may never see her.
Hope/fear: We hope he can rescue her, but there’s little chance of it while he’s in custody.
Essence: Roger receives a communication from June, telling him Livia told her of a resistance group she learned of when interviewing Shiloh citizens, and of a man who flies people out of the state when they’re hunted by the state to be executed. He finds Amelia, and the two of them drive to the man’s house and talk to him. They tell him Livia will write about the state’s oppressive government if she can be brought home to England. He agrees to help and arranges the meeting place where his plane will be.
Conflict: We see Nigel has an ally, who might help him overcome Shiloh if he can free Livia.
Subtext: There are others opposed to the oppression of Shiloh.
Hope/fear: This is a real possibility of hope, though escaping will still be difficult.
Essence: Nigel is brought to Trask’s’ office. He sees a walkway between two buildings through a window. He asks where prisoners are executed, and Trask tells him it’s in the adjoining building. Nigel asks to see the place, and Trask walks with him toward it. When they’re on the walkway, Nigel goads Trask into a fight. After several seconds of struggle, Trask punches Nigel in the face, reawakening the memory of the time he was punched at 14. He grows enraged and punches Trask in the pit of the stomach. Trask is bent over against the walkway, and Nigel lifts him up over the walkway and he falls to his death.
Conflict: It is the final, ultimate battle between Nigel and Livia’s oppressor.
Subtext: We see that punch in the face reawakened the old memory in Nigel, and we see that his rage and desperation give him greater strength than he’d ever had before, resulting in him being able to life Trask over the railing.
Hope/fear: We see there’s a chance, though it still seems precarious.
Essence: Nigel contacts June, who’d given him her contact information in the earlier communication. June gives him the maintenance man’s uniform he requested, and together they free Livia. She takes Livia outside in handcuffs, and Nigel, dressed in the uniform, leaves the prison shortly after.
Conflict: We see them overcoming the prison.
Subtext: We see the ingenious way they’ve planned the escape.
Hope/fear: We have true hope they can get away, though fear remains.
Essence: Roger stops a cab and bribes the driver to let him have the cab for two hours. He drives it to pick up Amelia from the hotel and drives to the appointed meeting place. June arrives with Livia, and then Nigel arrives. Roger drives them to the meeting place with the pilot, a large athletic field. The pilot if there with the plane, and he flies it out over the Pacific Ocean, completing their escape.
Conflict: We see they’ve outsmarted the Shiloh system.
Subtext: We see how difficult it is to defeat such a tightly controlled state.
Hope/fear: We are overjoyed by their escape.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Dave Holloway’s Intriguing Moments
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political or personal values.
What I learned from this exercise is the crucial role of intrigue in increasing audience interest and improving the depth and quality of a drama.
Act 1
Intrigue: Nigel tells co-workers his wife is in a military state and hasn’t communicated with him or her employer for three days.
Cover-up: Trask, the warden of the military state’s prison reads Livia Williamson’s articles detailing that the state kills political prisoners and orders her execution.
Scheme: During a SKYPE call with Nigel, Livia is arrested by Shiloh police.
Cover-up: Nigel calls Shiloh and the person he talks to stonewalls him as to whether Livia has been arrested, on what grounds, and how to have her released.
Intrigue: An English government official tells Nigel that military states like Shiloh try to prevent the truth from being presented, and their criminal trials are often shams.
Scheme: Trask orders an agent to meet Nigel’s plane in New York and plant a tracking device on him.
Act 2
Scheme: A crew-cut man places a tracking device in Nigel’s luggage.
Scheme: Trask wants the name of persons she talked to in Shiloh who are against the government. When she refuses, he threatens her life.
Scheme: Livia tells Nigel that Shiloh plans to execute her soon.
Covert agenda: The three, including the young pilot, Amelia, are detained in El Dorado, and are informed of the tracking device in Nigel’s shoe, and that it comes from Shiloh.
Scheme: Trask, realizing the tracking device won’t help them any longer, orders increased security at the Shiloh border, to detect Nigel if he tries to enter.
Secret/Scheme: Livia is told by another prisoner that almost all the prisoners she’s surrounded by will be executed.
Act 3
Scheme/Cover up: Trask asks Livia to give him the name of one person who opposes Shiloh. She refuses.
Secret/Covert agenda: Livia tells a prison guard, June, she hopes to escape, and the guard promises to help her. Livia tells June she can come with them if she chooses.
Scheme: Aware Nigel is drawing near, Trask schedules Livia’s execution in three days, hoping to capture Nigel and have him witness it.
Act 4
Covert agenda: Nigel, Roger and Amelia fly into Shiloh under its radar and land in a field 20 miles from the capital where Livia is held. Nigel stops a car, threatens the driver, and the three drive to the capital.
Covert agenda: They sleep in a park and hide out for a day.
Covert agenda: Nigel purposely gets himself arrested and brought to Trask.
Scheme: Nigel and Roger see their names and photos displayed on large screens along the streets of the capital.
Secret/Covert agenda: Amelia and Roger receive a communication from Livia, given to them by June, telling the name and address of a pilot who flies people out of Shiloh if they’re wanted and subject to execution. They go to the rebellion group and convince the pilot to fly them out of the state.
Covert agenda: Nigel goads Trask into a fight and kills him.
Covert agenda: Nigel and June free Livia from her cell, and Nigel dons the maintenance worker’s uniform June gives him and walks out of the prison.
Covert agenda: Roger bribes a cab driver, paying him enough to let him borrow his cab for two hours.
Covert agenda: Roger meets Amelia, June, Livia and Nigel at the appointed place, drives them to the field where the plane is, and the pilot flies them out of Shiloh.
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Dave Holloway’s emotional moments
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that strong emotional moments, well developed, add a great deal of life, meaning and interest to a script.
Act 1
Excitement: Nigel passionately argues in court for a woman seeking to retain physical custody of her children.
Distress: Nigel tells his co-workers at a pub that his wife has been incommunicado for several days in a military state, and he is deeply worried by it.
Distress: During a SKYPE call with Livia, Nigel’s wife, she is taken prisoner by the state’s police, which terrifies Nigel.
Distress: Nigel gives Shiloh a SKYPE call, and when the representative he talks to tries to stonewall him, he erupts in rage, saying he’s trying to get “you Nazi bastards” to release her.
Act 2
Excitement/Love: Nigel watches his friend, Roger, play in a rugby game. He cheers for him when he makes a good play, supports him when he’s tackled.
Bonding/Love: Nigel goes to a pub with Roger after the game and tells him about Cynthia having been imprisoned in Shiloh. He confesses his worry about her. Nigel expresses his negative feelings about the military. Nigel confesses he’s going to Shiloh to try to win her release, and Roger volunteers to go along. Nigel is deeply touched by his friend’s support. Nigel relates the time when, at 14, three working-class kids surrounded him and taunted him and one punched him in the face, and he ran away. He admits he still thinks about it often.
Distress: On their flight to Shiloh, the pilot announces the states along the Eastern Coast of North America have declared their air space closed to foreign carriers and must land in New York. Nigel is faced with having to cross the 3,000-mile continent overland.
Distress: Livia is interrogated by the Shiloh warden, Luther Trask, who tries to get her to reveal names of people she talked to who told her Shiloh executes political prisoners. She refuses, and he threatens her life.
Distress: Nigel is shot in a gun battle between Native Americans and hunters.
Distress: Roger sees one of the Native-American men they had become friends with his been killed in the battle.
Unexpected occurrence: Nigel had not felt it when he was shot and keeps his nerve after discovering it. He is cheered to know he could get shot and remain stoic. He refuses to get medical attention because they can’t waste time getting to Shiloh.
Bonding: Roger cleans and dresses Nigel’s gunshot wound with some consideration for his friend’s pain.
Distress: Nigel gets a communication from Livia, telling him she might have many days left because Shiloh plans to execute her.
Excitement: Nigel and Roger meet Amelia, a young pilot who flies them across the Native American state and then partway across El Dorado, the next state.
Distress: Flying across El Dorado, the plane develops mechanical problems, and they must land in a cornfield. They are captured by policemen of the state and taken to their headquarters.
Surprise: at the headquarters, they are informed that Nigel has a tracking device on his shoe, and that it is from Shiloh.
Courage/success/bonding: The two attack a police guard taking them to the showers and render him unconscious, then free Amelia from her cell.
Courage/success: They climb into a helicopter and Amelia, who’s never flown a helicopter, learns how to do it by trying, and they escape from El Dorado.
Distress: Livia talks to another prisoner, who tells her nearly all their fellow prisoners will be executed, as her husband has been.
Act 3
Distress: They begin to fly across the next state, Independence, but have to land to refuel. They land near a city, and see part of it is on fire, and Amelia tells them about rampant crime and poverty in the city, as in other, formerly American cities.
Courage/Bonding: Outlaws approach them, and Roger and Nigel fire on them to keep them at bay and continue firing at them as the helicopter takes off.
Bonding: Livia begins talking to a female security guard, June, during her exercise hour at the prison. June is intrigued by Livia’s stories of her life in England, and of life in a much freer country than Shiloh.
Distress/Courage: Trask interrogates Livia and promises she’ll be released if she tells him one name of a person who told her Shiloh executes political prisoners. She refuses.
Bonding/Excitement: June tells Livia she was raped several times when a young guard by older, male guards. Livia tells June of her desire to escape, and June promises to help her. Livia tells her she can come with them if she wants.
Distress: Aware that Nigel is drawing near to Livia, he orders her execution to take place in three days. She tells Nigel in a communication of this.
Act 4
Excitement: Shiloh is surrounded by a wall except on its western coasts, and they fly over that area into the state, staying low to avoid radar. They land in a rural area about 20 miles from the capital where Livia is held.
Excitement/Courage: Nigel stops a car on the road and uses his rifle to make the driver get out and leave them the car, which they drive to the capital and abandon.
Distress: In the capital, they see the police shoot a fleeing man with a device that emits an electircal current that goes through him, a grisly sight.
Distress: They see their faces and names broadcast on billboards along the streets of the capital.
Courage/Success: Nigel purposely gets himself arrested, hoping he’ll be brought before Trask. His plan succeeds.
Excitement/Success: Roger and Amelia receive a message from Livia, carried by June, who tells them of a man in the Rebellion who flies people out of the state when they’re sought for execution. They contact the man, and he agrees to fly them, Nigel, Livia and June out of the state.
Courage/Success: Nigel goads the warden into walking on an elevated walkway between wuildings with him, then goads him into a fight. When the warden punches Nigel in the face, he is enraged, lifts the warden up and throws him over the side to his death.
Excitement/Success: Nigel and June free Livia from her cell, and June handcuffs her to take her out of the prison. Nigel dons a maintenance worker’s uniform June lent him and walks out of the prison.
Excitement/Success: Roger threatens a cab driver, then bribes him with money if he won’t report his missing cab for two hours. He meets Amelia, Nigel, Livia and June at their pre-arranged address.
BondingExcitement/Success: Roger drives them to the place where the Rebellion man’s plane is, and they fly safely out of Shiloh.
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Dave Holloway’s Reveals
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal values.
What I learned doing this assignment is that doing set-ups and reveals really does increase the interest of a script and makes it seem more realistic by having an action lead to another action later on.
Act One
Set-up: In the opening scene, Nigel is seen as passionate and articulate while arguing a case in court, but seems like a civilized man who would be unlikely to be overwhelmeupd by his passion.
Reveal: Later in Act One, he calls the military state and responds to its employee’s attempts to stonewall him by shouting that he wants to get “you Nazi bastards” to release her.
Act Two
Set-up: A crew-cut man stealthily takes Nigel’s suitcase from near the baggage compartment of a bus Nigel will be on and keeps it with him as he boards the bus. He later appears to do something to the suitcase’s contents.
Reveal: Later, when they’ve travelled to the state of El Dorado, authorities there tell them a tracking device was in Nigel’s shoe, and it is from the military state.
Set-up: Nigel tells Roger about an incident when he was 14 in which another boy punched him in the face and he ran away. He gives the impression of being very uncomfortable with violence.
Reveal: When they get embroiled in a gun battle in the Native-American state, Nigel is shot through the fore-arm, though he doesn’t feel it at the time. He later discovers it, and shows that being shot hasn’t unnerved him. He also turns down Roger’s suggestion that they get medical care for his wound.
Set-up: On the plane flight to North America, Roger reveals himself to be jocular and apparently lacking much empathy for others.
Reveal: Later, when he sees the body of a young Navajo man they’d befriended, dead on the battlefield, he becomes quite emotional, shedding a tear and praising him to the other two Navajo men they’d met.
Set-up: June, the prison security guard, speaks to Livia and shows little consideration for the prisoners who will soon be executed.
Reveal: Later, she is sympathetic to Livia, helps her escape from the prison and accompanies them as they escape Shiloh.
Set-up: In the first act, Nigel shows his lawyer skills and appears to be a very law-abiding man.
Reveal: In the fouorth act, he stops a car on the road and threatens the driver with a gun to he, Roger and Amelia can drive it to the capital.
Act Four
Set-up: Nigel had expressed his discomfort with violence in Act Two.
Reveal: Nigel goads the prison warden into walking along an elevated passageway and then into fighting him. He then wins the fight by throwing the warden over the railing of the passageway to his death.
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Dave Holloway’s character action tracks
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned from this assignment is that action can be stronger, more demonstrative of character and more memorable than dialogue, which I rely on too much.
Nigel Williamson
After first act inciting incident, he calls Shiloh prison on SKYPE and tries to get information about his wife from them and makes argument for her release. He gets stonewalled and explodes, telling Shiloh rep. that he’s trying to get “you Nazi bastards” to release her.
After receiving a communication from Livia that she could be executed in a short time, he tries sending a message back, but receives no response.
After being shot in the gun battle at the Native state, he tells Roger he doesn’t want medical attention, which will delay their arrival at Shiloh.
When they reach Shiloh, Nigel remarks that it’s so dominated by military force and technology that persuasion, logic and truth will not possibly dissuade the state from its decisions.
Once inside Shiloh, Nigel stops a car on the road, threatens its driver with a gun and tells him he must get out of the car or lose his life. The driver does so.
When they reach the capital, Nigel tells Amelia to split off from them so she won’t be arrested if they’re taken into custody. He suggests to Roger they sleep in a public park, since they’re names might’ve been circulated throughout the state and they can’t give them to register at a hotel.
After Nigel purposely gets arrested, he’s brought before Trask. He manipulates Trask into taking him onto an overhead bridge between two buildings, where he fights him and throws him over the side to his death.
Nigel dresses in the uniform of a Shiloh maintenance worker that June has given him, enabling him to walk out of the prison without being stopped.
Roger Darby
As they’re flying across Independence, Amelia has to land to refuel the helicopter. Some outlaws approach them, and Roger fires on them to keep them away, allowing them to take off in the helicopter. Even when they’re in the air, Roger and Nigel fire at them to discourage the outlaws’ firing.
When they fly over the western coastline of Shiloh, Roger holds his rifle and surveys the ground, alert to anyone firing at them.
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Dave Holloway’s new outline beats
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that examining the outline in this way allowed me to spot some holes in the story.
Act 1
Opening: Nigel is shown in court, arguing to convince the court that a mother should be allowed to remain with her two children, though she has had some personal difficulties. He is articulate and passionate. He is seen as very civilized, rather than a man inclined to lose his cool.
Nigel, when questioned by co-workers at his law firm, tells them his wife, Livia, is in the former U.S., reporting on social conditions there in what are now independent states.
At a pub, Nigel reveals to his co-workers that his wife has been incommunicado for several days, which deeply worries him.
Antag. journey: The warden of the Shiloh prison, Luther Trask, reads the articles about Shiloh written by Livia Williamson, Nigel’s wife. They depict the brutal conditions in the state and Trask, realizing they could be damaging, order’s Livia’s arrest and imprisonment.
Inciting Incident: Nigel engages in a SKYPE communication with Livia, his wife, in which she tells him that the military state she is in is very hostile to journalists. During the call, men enter her room and take her away to a military prison.
Nigel SKYPE call to Shiloh, tries to get info out of person who answers, is stonewalled, blows up at “you Nazi bastards.”
Turning Point: Nigel meets with government officials and even appears on a British talk show, trying to stir action that will lead to his wife’s release. The Prime Minister appeals to Shiloh publicly for her release. He finally realizes he must go to Shiloh, the military state, to try to obtain her freedom in person.
Act 2
New Plan: Nigel watches his friend, Roger, play in a rugby game. In a pub afterward, he discloses to Roger that he will fly to the military state to try to rescue Livia. Roger volunteers to go and Nigel accepts.
Deeper Layer: Roger mentions an uncle who was left in a wheelchair after fighting in Iraq with the Americans. He expresses dislike of the military for ordering people to kill and/or die. Nigel admits his uneasiness with violence and recounts to him the story of the incident when, at 14, three working-class kids surrounded him on the street and taunted him, and one punched him in the face and he ran away. He doesn’t reveal how deeply the incident still haunts him. Roger expresses hostility to the military.
Plan in Action: As they are flying to Los Angeles, Roger reveals himself to be hearty but perhaps somewhat callous and lacking much empathy for other people. The pilot informs the passengers that the independent states along the east coast of North America have declared their air space closed to foreign aircraft, and thus the plane must land in New York and go no further.
Antagonist’s journey: Trask becomes aware that Nigel and his friend are coming to rescue Livia, due to Shiloh’s access to media worldwide, including the television show he was on, its ability to obtain access to airline passenger lists, and the Prime Minister’s appeal. He orders an agent to meet Nigel at the New York airport and plant a tracking device on Nigel, so he will be aware of where he is at all times.
Act 2:
They get on a bus to travel across Empire. A crew-cut man has a bag placed in the baggage compartment, then cleverly takes Nigel’s suitcase from the baggage compartment of the bus, telling the driver it’s his own and he’s decided to keep it with him on the bus to avoid any possibility of damage or theft. He gets on the bus after Nigel, takes the suitcase to the front of the bus, opens the suitcase, and places a tracking device on an article of Nigel’s clothing. When the bus reaches its destination, he places it among the baggage taken out of the baggage compartment, undetected by Nigel or the driver. The man watches Nigel take it, and Nigel and Roger then take a taxi across Elysium, the next state.
Livia is interrogated by Luther Trask, the prison’s warden, who tries to get her to reveal the names of the Shiloh citizens who told her the state executes political prisoners. She refuses, and he threatens her life.
Midpoint: On a train across a hunting and fishing state, they meet three young Navajo men, and are caught up in a gun battle in the Native-American state, and Nigel is shot by a bullet that goes through his forearm. By being shot and surviving, he gains more confidence in his ability to take part in and survive physical action in general. When Roger finds the body of one of the young Navajo men they’d met, he’s deeply moved, shedding a tear and praising him to the other Navajo men they’d met.
Deeper Layer: the incident cheers Nigel, who has been shot in a gun battle and survived without losing his nerve. He remarks humorously to Roger that he’d never known getting shot was so easy.
Roger proposes getting medical attention for Nigel, who says they can’t waste time on that and have to get to Shiloh as quick as possible.
Rethink everything: Nigel gets a communication from Livia, informing him that she might not have many days left to live, because the military state will execute her. He tries to communicate back to her, but the call doesn’t go through.
Seeking to take a train across the Native-American state, they meet a young pilot, Amelia, who takes them across in her plane. They grow friendly with her, and she agrees to take them across the next state, El Dorado.
When their plane develops mechanical trouble flying above El Dorado, they’re taken prisoner. The tracking device on Nigel’s clothing that the agent from the military state planted is discovered and revealed to him. The head of the state informs them the tracking device is from Shiloh. As they’re being escorted from their cell to the showers, Roger punches the police guard and Nigel tackles him. Roger then chokes the man into unconsciousness. They escape along with Amelia, stealing a helicopter that Amelia figures out how to fly out of the state.
Nigel and Roger wonder who applied the tracking device and where. They realize that with modern technology, no one is anonymous anymore, and Shiloh must have known he was flying to Shiloh.
Deeper Layer: Nigel’s tackle of the police guard shows his increasing competence in action and violence in the pursuit of freeing Livia.
The tracking device has been left behind in El Dorado, meaning Trask is no longer sure of Nigel’s location. He orders stepped-up security at the Shiloh border, to try to become aware of Nigel if he enters the state.
Livia talks with another prisoner, Adrienne, in the exercise yard of the prison. Adrienne tells her all the prisoners accused of taking part in the Resistance will eventually be executed, as her husband has been. She tells her she talked with a female guard, June, who related to her that she’d seen a great deal in her years in the prison. But June shows little consideration for the prisoners, who will soon be killed.
Turning Point: Huge failure/major shift
Act 3: They begin to fly across the next state, Independence, but have to land to refuel the helicopter. They see, on the outskirts of Denver, that the city is seriously deteriorated, with part of it on fire, and Amelia tells them about the crime and poverty that exist there. When outlaws approach them, Nigel and Roger fire on them to enable themselves to get away in the helicopter.
Livia begins talking to June during the daily exercise hour, attempting to gain her sympathy. June confesses that she has read about the way the state was before it became Shiloh, and it sounds like a better life. Livia tells her about her life in England and marriage to Nigel, and June seems intrigued, especially by her account of life in a much freer country.
Trask talks to Livia again and offers to free her if she will tell him the name of at least one citizen who told her that Shiloh executes political prisoners. He wants to break her, even to a small degree. Livia refuses, knowing that any person she names will be imprisoned and executed.
When they reach the military state, Nigel sees it is so dominated and controlled by military force that he can no longer abstain from violence to free Livia. He remarks that it’s not the sort of place that will yield to reason and logical persuasion, or truth. Every action is now on the table. He tells Roger that if his nerve fails him at any point and causes their attempt to rescue Livia to fail, he will never forgive himself.
June confesses to Livia she was raped several times when a young guard by older male guards – a common practice at the prison back then. Livia reveals her desire to escape, and June is sympathetic and pledges to help her. She promises they’ll take June with them if she wants to come.
Antagonist’s journey: Aware that Nigel is drawing close to Livia, Trask orders Livia’s execution to take place in three days and does everything he can to capture and/or kill Nigel, hoping to have Nigel watch Livia’s execution.
Turning Point 3: Nigel learns that Livia’s execution will take place in three days.
Act 4
Climax/ultimate expression of the conflict
Resolution
They cross the Shiloh border, and Trask is alerted that they’re in the state. Nigel stops a car on the road, talks to the driver and threatens him with a gun if he doesn’t lend them the car. Alternative: there’s a wall around the entire state, other than the western edge that overlooks the Pacific Ocean. They decide to fly low, under the anti-aircraft radar, at 3 a.m., to try to avoid detection. They do so, and Amelia lands the helicopter 20 miles outside Shiloh’s capital, in a rural, lightly-populated area. Then stop car on road and force man to get out. He does and they travel to the capital of the military state, ditch the car and sleep in a public park, fearing their names have been circulated through the state and will result in their arrest if they give them. They see the police shoot a man trying to get away with a crime with a weapon that sends an electric current through him, a grisly sight. They view other aspects of the tightly controlled, authoritarian state. They must travel anonymously, because Trask has photos of Roger and Nigel broadcast on screens in the capital. They have Amelia travel apart from them, so she will not be associated and hunted with them for being with them. They lie low during the day as much as possible to avoid being seen and recognized. Roger grows a beard and tries to keep his face as covered as possible. Nigel questions what would enrage a man like Trask most, and reasons that it would be open, flagrant disobedience of an important order he gave. Nigel allows himself to be arrested, hoping that he will be brought before Trask when his name is discovered. He is, and Nigel says Roger already turned back to return home. He makes a daring plan to kill Trask. Roger and Amelia, who has rejoined Roger in Shiloh, undetected, receive a message from Livia, carried to them by June, informing them of a man in an underground resistance force who flies wanted people out of the state when they would be captured and executed. She was given the man’s name and address by one of the Shiloh citizens she interviewed for her articles. Nigel asks June to provide him with a maintenance man’s uniform to give him if he meets her inside the prison. They contact him, and Amelia promises the resistance group that if they can free Livia, she will write articles that will inform the entire world of the evils of Shiloh’s government. Nigel risks his life to kill the sadistic warden, goading him into walking with him along a passageway between two buildings and provoking him into a fight with him on. Trask takes a knife away from Nigel, who takes an electrical killing device from Trask. After the warden punches him in the face, reawakening memories of the incident at 14, Nigel becomes enraged and finds a chance to lift Trask and throws him over the side to his death. He does so and frees Livia from her cell with the help of June, who hands Nigel the maintenance man’s uniform and brings Livia outside the prison in handcuffs to the meeting place with Amelia two blocks away. Roger hails a cab and bribes the driver with enough money to let him borrow the cab for two hours without reporting the theft. Nigel dons the maintenance worker’s uniform that June gave him, leaves the prison and meets the four of them at the appointed spot. Roger drives them to the meeting place with the plane, and they escape in the plane piloted by the resistance man.
Deeper Layer: Nigel’s actions wipe out the incident at 12 from his minds.
Resolution: As they fly home, Nigel has changed irrevocably, becoming more comfortable with action and adventure.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by
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Dave Holloway’s Beat Sheet – Draft 1
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that putting the basic elements of a screenplay’s structure together like this allows me to ensure they’ll all be included in the screenplay.
Act 1
Opening: Nigel is shown in court, arguing to convince the court that a mother should be allowed to remain with her two children, though she has had some personal difficulties.
Antag. journey: The warden of the Shiloh prison, Luther Trask, reads the articles about Shiloh written by Livia Williamson, Nigel’s wife. They depict the brutal conditions in the state and Trask, realizing they could be damaging, order’s Livia’s arrest and imprisonment.
Inciting Incident: Nigel engages in a SKYPE communication with Livia, his wife, in which she tells him that the military state she is in is very hostile to journalists. During the call, men enter her room and take her away to a military prison.
Turning Point: Nigel meets with government officials and even appears on a British talk show, trying to stir action that will lead to his wife’s release. He finally realizes he must go to Shiloh, the military state, to try to obtain her freedom in person.
Act 2
New Plan: Nigel discloses to his friend, Roger that he will fly to the military state to try to rescue Livia. Roger volunteers to go and Nigel accepts.
Deeper Layer: As they drink in a pub, Nigel recounts to him the story of the incident when, at 12, a boy in school punched him in the face and he ran away, though he doesn’t reveal how the incidents haunts him.
Plan in Action: As they are flying to Los Angeles, the pilot informs the passengers that the independent states along the east coast of North America have declared their air space closed to foreign aircraft, and thus the plane must land in New York and go no further.
Antagonist’s journey: Trask becomes aware that Nigel and his friend are coming to rescue Livia. He orders an agent to place a tracking device on Nigel, so he will be aware of where he is at all times.
Act 2:
They take a bus across Empire, the first state, and a taxi across Elysium, the next state.
Midpoint: They’re caught up in a gun battle in the Native-American state, and Nigel is shot by a bullet that goes through his forearm. By being shot, and surviving, he gains more confidence in his ability to take part in and survive physical action in general.
Deeper Layer: the incident cheers Nigel, who has been shot in a gun battle and survived without losing his nerve. He remarks humorously to Roger that he’d never known getting shot was so easy.
Rethink everything: Nigel gets a communication from Livia, informing him that she might not have many days left to live, because the military state will execute her.
In the next state, El Dorado, they’re taken prisoner. The tracking device on Nigel that the agent from the military state planted is discovered and revealed to him. As they’re being escorted from their cell to the showers, Roger punches the police guard and Nigel knocks him down. Roger then chokes the man into unconsciousness, and they escape along with Amelia, stealing a helicopter and flying out of the state.
Deeper Layer: Nigel’s tackle of the police guard shows his increasing competence in action and violence in the pursuit of freeing Livia.
Turning Point: Huge failure/major shift
Act 3: When they reach the military state, Nigel sees it is so dominated and controlled by military force that he can no longer abstain from violence as a mean to free Livia. Every action is now on the table.
Antagonist’s journey: Aware that Nigel is drawing close to Livia,, Trask orders Livia’s execution to take place in three days and does everything he can to capture and/or kill Nigel.
Turning Point 3: Nigel learns that Livia’s execution will take place in three days.
Act 4
Climax/ultimate expression of the conflict
Resolution
They elude capture, travel to the capital of the military state and form a plan to free her. Nigel must risk his life and kill the sadistic warden. He does so, and they free Livia from her cell, and escape the military state in the plane of a man who is part of an underground movement of resistance to Shiloh, flying people out of the state when their anti-government activity means they will be put to death if they are captured.
Deeper Layer: Nigel’s actions wipe out the incident at 12 from his mind.
Resolution: As they fly home, Nigel has changed irrevocably, becoming more comfortable with action and adventure.
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Dave Holloway’s Deeper Layer
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that discovering the deeper layer and letting it influence the story before finally revealing it enables me to lend depth and interest to the story and ensure that the deeper level is present through the screenplay, even before it is fully revealed.
Surface Layer
Nigel and his friend, Roger, must journey across North America, now divided into independent states, to rescue Nigel’s wife, Livia, who has been imprisoned in a military state, Shiloh, on a false charge of espionage.
Deeper Layer
An incident in Nigel’s past has always bothered him and made him doubt his courage. He is uncomfortable with adventure and violence and knows that if his courage fails him at any moment during their adventure and causes him to fail to rescue Livia, he will never be able to forgive himself.
Major Reveal
When Nigel and Roger get to Shiloh, there is a moment when Nigel must completely overcome his fear and risk his life to save Livia. He says something to Roger before this moment, indicating that if he fails to summon the nerve at this crucial point, the rest of his life will be worthless.
Influences surface story
Nigel and Roger get mixed up in a gun battle between Native Americans and hunters. The prospect frightens Nigel, and he would rather avoid becoming involved. But he remains on the scene as the battle begins and takes place, even though Roger gives him a chance to leave by saying he understands Nigel didn’t come across to North America to get in a gun battle. Nigel replies “I’d look pretty sheepish backing out now.” In the subsequent fight, he is shot, the bullet passing through his forearm, but survives and gains confidence as a result. Not long after, he helps Roger subdue a police guard in another state where they’re being imprisoned, thus helping them escape and continue to Shiloh.
Hints
Early in their journey across North America, in an unguarded moment, Nigel tells the story of the incident that made him question his courage. He recounts it in an offhand way that conceals how deeply the incident still bothers him.
Changes reality
When Nigel risks his life at the end to save Livia, we see that his quest has been not only to free her, but to free himself from the shame of the earlier incident.
Beginning: Nigel reveals to Roger the incident that still haunts him.
Inciting incident: on SKYPE call with Livia, Nigel sees her arrested by authorities of military state.f
Turning point 1: Nigel determines he’ll go to the military state to try to free Livia, and Roger volunteers to go with him
Act 2: The two fly to Los Angeles to try to rescue Livia.
Turning point 2: During the flight, the pilot announces the states along the East Coast have declared their air space inviolate, and they will land in New York. They’ll have to travel across the continent overland.
Midpoint: They begin to travel across the continent and encounter danger and resistance several times.
Act 3: the plane they’re flying across the state of El Dorado in develops mechanical problems, forcing them to land. They’re imprisoned in the state, delaying their arrival in the military state.
Turning Point 3: Nigel helps Roger overcome a prison guard and render him unconscious, enabling them to escape El Dorado with the pilot of their plane, Amelia, and continue to the military state.
Act 4: They continue on to the military state and struggle to reach its capital, where Livia is held.
Climax: At the capital, they devise and execute a daring plan to free her. Nigel kills the sadistic prison warden, and the four of them, with the pilot, escape and return to England.
Resolution: Nigel has overcome the past incident that haunted him and become more comfortable with action and adventure.
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Dave Holloway’s Character Structures
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that organizing the character structure in this way allows me to delve deeper into the characters and enables me to flesh out the story around these incidents in the protagonist’s and antagonist’s lives. I also learned that simply coming up with an idea for a plot twist, even if a bad one, can get my mind working and lead to creating a good idea for that twist.
Protagonist: Nigel Williamson
Beginning: Nigel is a 25-year-old lawyer in London whose wife, Livia, is on a trip to what was formerly the United States to report on social conditions on the independent states there.
Inciting Incident: During a SKYPE call with his wife, she tells him she has grown afraid of the authorities in the military state she’s reporting on, and as she talks to him, security forces break into her room and arrest her.
Turning Point 1: After trying various means of freeing her in England, Nigel determines to fly to the military state to try to obtain her release. His best friend, Roger, volunteers to come along.
Act 2: Nigel and Roger get on a plane to fly to Los Angeles, which is near the capital of the military state.
Turning Point 2: As they near North America, the pilot tells the passengers the states along the East Coast have declared their air space inviolate, and so the plane will have to land in New York. They’ll have to cross the continent some other way.
Midpoint: They’re caught up in a gun battle in the Native-American state, and Nigel is shot by a bullet that goes through his forearm. By being shot, and surviving, he gains more confidence in his ability to take part in and survive physical action in general.
Act 3: When they reach the military state, Nigel sees it is so dominated and controlled by military force that he can no longer abstain from violence as a mean to free Livia. Every action is now on the table.
Turning Point 3: Nigel learns that Livia’s execution will take place in three days.
Act 4: Nigel and Roger form a plan to free her and carry it out, killing the prison’s sadistic warden in the process.
Resolution: As they fly home, Nigel has changed irrevocably, becoming more comfortable with action and adventure.
Antagonist: Luther Trask, warden of military state prison
Beginning: Trask begins his career as a guard in the military prison
Inciting incident: Trask rapes a female prison guard and faces firing from his job and expulsion from the military state
Turning Point 1: Trask murders the rape victim to prevent her from testifying, hiring another man to shoot her and then killing him to remove him as a possible witness.
Act 2: Trask rises through the ranks, his devotion to his job enabling him finally to be appointed warden of the prison.
Turning Point 2: A young English reporter, Livia Williamson, writes articles and sends them back to England reporting that the military state imprisons and executes people suspected of conspiring to overthrow it, often with little or no evidence. Millions in Europe read her articles.
Act 3: Realizing the international publicity is harmful, Trask orders Livia arrested and imprisoned.
Turning Point 3: Trask becomes aware that Nigel and a friend are coming to the military state to try to rescue Livia. He orders her execution date to be set in several days, and uses every means at his disposal to find and imprison Nigel and Roger.
4th Act Climax: Nigel and Roger elude capture, make their way to the military state’s capital, launch a bold attempt to free Livia and kill Trask in the process.
Resolution: Trask is dead.
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Dave Holloway’s supporting characters
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that looking individually at them allows me to bring them into greater focus and give them a little more depth.
Supporting characters
Livia, wife of Nigel
Vernon Trask, warden of prison where Livia is held
Amelia McGrath, pilot who flies Nigel and Roger across several states.
Background characters
Senior partner of law firm where Nigel works
lawyer friends of Nigel at the firm
pilot of plane Roger and Nigel fly to North America
Man on bus who talks to Nigel and Roger, who Roger defends in a fight
Notah, Native-American man the two meet
June, security guard at prison where Livia is held
Support 1:
Name: Livia Williamson
Role: as Nigel’s wife, she sets the story in motion when she is imprisoned in a military state on a false charge of espionage
Main purpose: She is the goal toward which Nigel strives throughout the story, knowing that if his courage fails him he will be unable to forgive himself
Value: She is such an admirable person that we see she is well worth Nigel and Roger risking their lives for.
Support 2
Name: Amelia McGrath
Role: she is the pilot of flies the two across several states.
Main purpose: By flying them, she saves them a great deal of time, enabling them to reach the military state on time
Value: As a pilot and a courageous young woman, she enables them to succeed
Support 3
Name: Vernon Trask
Role: He is the warden of the prison where Livia is held.
Main purpose: His iron control of the prison makes freeing Livia seem nearly impossible
Value: He exemplifies the fascist spirit of control and domination that characterizes the military state and makes Livia’s imprisonment and death sentence believable.
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Dave Holloway’s character profiles – part 2
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that hard thinking about the characters can cause them to become more sharply defined and in-focus, and thus more real and dimensional.
High Concept: 50 years in the future, two young Englishmen must cross an American continent that has become divided into independent states based on primary vocation or social identity in an attempt to rescue one’s wife, who has been imprisoned in a military state.
Journey: Nigel, at the beginning, is an intelligent, principled young man who fears danger and physical confrontation. By the end, he has endured danger and physical conflict and is better able to handle both, because he has discovered more courage in himself than he suspected existed.
Actor attractors
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
Nigel is transformed from a rather bookish, young man who shies away from conflict to a man who survives being shot and wounded and risks his life repeatedly in his attempt to free his wife from prison.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
The fact that he is on a tremendous adventure that a character like himself would never be inclined to make. Yet he’s drawn into it by necessity, and he finds reserves of courage and tenacity that are surprising even to himself.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
When he’s shot during a gun battle and eschews having his wound treated by a doctor in order to save time in his trip across the continent; and when he devises a clever plan to free his wife from prison and engages in a fight with the prison’s warden.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
He is introduced in court, arguing to a jury to preserve a family of a mother and two children together. He is seen as naturally intelligent, eloquent and passionate.
5. What is this character’s emotional range?
He transforms from a man with no experience of physical conflict to a character who risks his life. During the course of the screenplay, he displays enormous love for his wife, bitterness at her unjust imprisonment, rage against the military state where she’s imprisoned, devotion to the friend, Roger, who accompanies him on the journey, and a willingness to risk everything to save her.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
He can play the subtext of enormous love for his wife that motivates him to go far beyond the comfort zone he’s known all his life; also love for the male friend to volunteers to accompany him, and a willingness to risk everything.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?
It is the relationship with Roger, who travels across the North American continent with him. Though they are dissimilar in some ways, they have a genuine bond that is strengthened by the adventure, and each is dependent on the strengths of the other to survive at different times in the story.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
He is English, so he speaks with an English intonation and phrasing, and his natural intelligence and eloquence give his voice a unique quality.
9. What makes this character special and unique?
It is the fact that he confronts dangers and challenges during the story that we would tend to believe would overcome him, given his sheltered background and dislike for physical conflict, and he ultimately proves equal to those challenges, finding previously unknown courage within himself.
10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)
Near the end of the story, the character risks his life in a daring attempt to free his wife from a military prison, overcomes the prison warden in a fight and is overjoyed when he frees his wife.
Role in story: protagonist, mission is to rescue wife
Age range and description: mid-20’s, medium height, slim build, a man given to thought and reflection more than physical action
Core traits: intelligent, loyal, passionate, afraid of danger/physical confrontation, articulate
Motivation: want/need: he wants to rescue his wife, he needs to prove himself up to whatever the journey requires because he will never forgive himself if his loss of nerve dooms his attempt
Wound: at 12, he was punched in schoolyard incident and ran away, which has haunted him ever since.
Likability: pleasant, intelligent, loyal to friend and wife, love for wife compels him on journey he would ordinarily shy away from
Relatability: his fear of danger, his desire to prove himself equal to journey, love for wife and friend, good nature
Empathy: faced with dangerous journey that scares him, truly loves wife and will be devastated by her death, know the odds are heavily against him succeeding
7. Character subtext: Hiding something – he’s hiding the fact that, at 14, three working-class kids surrounded him on the street, taunted him, and when one punched him in the face, he ran away.
8. Character intrigue: hidden agenda, and competition: wants to prove courage by never backing down during their journey, because knows any failure of nerve that ruins their mission will be something he can’t ever forgive himself for. Also feels competitive with Roger, who has a natural courage that Nigel envies. He’d like to show some of that.
9. Flaw – can’t take risks, cowardice, overthinking: He has always shied away from physical confrontation, and must try to overcome that on the journey.
10. Values – doing his best, honesty, integrity, love and family
11. Internal dilemma – wants to show courage but has difficulty doing so – Loves and respects Roger but secretly envies his courage and feels competitive with it
Roger Darby
journey: he goes on trip to rescue Nigel’s wife with Nigel, and his courage and loyalty are important to its success. By the end, he has shown the capacity for deep emotion and quick thinking that had wasn’t sure he had.
Actor attractors
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Roger plays a heroic role as a naturally courageous, adventurous friend who volunteers to accompany Nigel partly because her enjoys adventure. He’s also deeply loyal to his friend and risks his life several times to save him. Without his courage in the face of danger, his friend’s quest would have ended in failure.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Because his courage doesn’t lead him to great egotism; he remains down to earth and genial throughout. Also, because he joins the adventure without his friend asking him to come along, and because his loyalty to his friend is so deep that he’s willing to risk his life for him. And because he begins a love affair during the course of the story with an American girl.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
When his friend is discussing his wife’s predicament, he volunteers to accompany him without any prompting; when the two are embroiled in a dispute between laborers and police, he punches a policeman and knocks him out; he volunteers to participate in an armed battle with Native Americans against hunters from a neighboring nation-state; and he risks his life to help his friend’s wife escape from prison.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
He’s introduced playing rugby, a rough and tumble, colorful sport, and excelling at it. In the next scene, he has drinks with his friend and volunteers to accompany him to the military state, without being asked.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
His range goes from sympathy for his friend, to good-natured jocularity, to sympathetic allegiance with three Native-Americans he meets, to deep sorrow when one of them is killed, to anger and rage when he fights for his friend’s wife’s release, to exhilaration when they’re free again.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
Loyalty and love for his friend motivating him to accompany him; dislike of hunters for killing animals for sport; growing attraction to a girl they meet on the journey, and ultimate willingness to give his life for his friend and his wife.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
His friendship with Nigel, which is revealed to be deeper and stronger than apparent at first; to his friendship with and willingness to fight alongside three Native-Americans he meets; to his romance with an American girl he meets.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
By emphasizing his rough and ready nature and natural courage, his good-heartedness, the profanity he uses freely, and the simple but sincere way he expresses deep emotions.
9. What could make this character special and unique?
The fact that he volunteers for a potentially dangerous mission very easily and confidently; the fact that he risks his life for his friend; his willingness to join a gun battle between Native Americans and hunters because of a friendship he’s made with one of them; and the fact that he risks his life to save his friend’s wife.
Role in story: Best friend of Nigel, who volunteers to go on journey with him and uses his courage and loyalty to help mission succeed
Age range and description: mid-20’s, husky, tall, powerfully built
Core traits: courage, loyalty, toughness, good nature
Motivation: want/need: He wants to help Nigel rescue his wife. He needs to prove he has more emotional depth and intelligence than he’s sure he possesses
Wound: regarded by others, and possibly himself, as lacking intelligence and capacity to love deeply
Likeability: good nature, courage, loyalty to friend
Relatability: he’s unsure about some aspects of self, he’s not exceptionally bright
Empathy: we feel empathy for his self-questioning about his ability to love, and his lack of love relationship that Nigel has, and for fact he might be killed on mission that is devoted to Nigel’s interests
7. Character subtext: hiding something – people often view him as not very intelligent and incapable of deep feeling.
8. Character intrigue: hidden agenda – wants to prove self smarter than people think and capable of deep feeling
9. Flaw – reacts without thinking – he’s too ready to jump into action time when some reflection would be wiser.
10. Values – courage – friendship – loyalty – adventure
11. Internal dilemma – secretly admires Nigel’s intelligence and ability to resolve issues non-violently. Would like to curb his tendency to react with violence at times in favor of negotiation.
Livia Williamson
character journey: she goes from young, somewhat naive journalist whose life has never been threatened for reporting to stronger, more experienced person whose courage and integrity have been tested and proven up to the test
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Because she is under duress throughout the story, but displays remarkable courage, endurance and intelligence throughout. Her courage and undying love for her husband make her as heroic as either of the two males in the other two lead roles.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Because she has grown up in a normal, English home and has never been in serious trouble before, but when she is imprisoned and sentenced to execution in a military state, she never succumbs to despair, never weakens in her resistance to the prison and its warden, and her love for her husband remains steadfast.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
When offered a way out of the prison, she refuses to name any of the local people who told her of the prison’s crimes, and instead insults the warden who made her the offer. At the end of the story, she risks her life in a daring escape.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
By having her first appearance be in a SKYPE call she makes to her husband from the military state, in which she expresses great anxiety about her survival; and having her second appearance be in another SKYPE call, during which she is arrested by military officers and taken away. In both instances, she maintains her courage and dignity.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
From despair when she’s sentence to execution in a military state far from her husband to declarations of love for her husband, to empathic sorrow for another woman she meets in the prison, to rage at the prison and its warden, to jubilation when she escapes it.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
A sense of desperation about her condition, to deep longing for the husband she fears she’ll never see again, to despair that her execution is imminent, to wild joy about a possible escape.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?’
Her relationships with her husband (they’ve been married a short time), her friendship with another woman in the prison whose husband has already been executed at the prison, and her acquaintance with a female prison guard, who carries out a surprising act of sympathy that helps her escape.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
In her communications with other characters, in which her eloquence, courage, loyalty, passion, and idealism are heard.
9. What could make this character special and unique?
She has exceptional courage and character, as well as an idealism that makes her risk death, along with intelligence that helps her intuitively understand others.
Role in story: wife of Nigel, who’s imprisoned and must withstand terrors of prison and oppression of warden to survive and be rescued
Age range and description: mid-20’s, pretty but not beautiful, fair-haired, intelligent
Core traits: intelligence, integrity, loyalty, courage, endurance
Motivation: want/need: she wants to survive her imprisonment and be reunited with her husband. She needs to prove worthy of her journalistic profession’s ethics and not be guilty of compromising them
Wound: underlying insecurity due to father abandoning her family when she was a child, and insecurity that caused her.
Likability: courage, intelligence, loyalty to husband, unbroken spirit
Relatability: in many ways, a normal young woman, someone trying to good job as journalist and to remain alive, someone with some underlying insecurity
Empathy: we feel for her because she truly loves Nigel, and she’s facing imminent execution on false charges, and she shows fidelity to ideals of her profession though she could win her freedom by breaking them
Character subtext – has hidden from Nigel that she is very ambitious, and would like to be very important in journalism, which she knows could cause friction in their marriage.
Character intrigue – has dreams of becoming nationally known British journalist and is afraid of how it could affect their marriage.
Flaw – naivete – she knows little about the worst sides of human nature and was surprised that the military state would imprison her and want to execute her
Values – family love, loyalty, doing your best
Internal dilemma – love v. ambition – she’s very ambitious, but worries that Nigel’s love for her might change or lessen if she becomes a big star in journalism and makes more money than him
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Dave Holloway’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s crucial to have the protagonist be likable/relatable/empathetic to the audience and building in ways to achieve those things is very important.
Nigel Williamson, protagonist
Likable: he’s got a strong friendship with Roger, who likes and even loves him. He is totally in love with his wife and is willing to risk his life to rescue her. As the story goes on, he displays admirable qualities of courage and endurance.
Relatable: He has lost his love, Livia, his wife. He goes through dangerous situations and seems likely to fail in his goal of freeing her. He expresses fear various times at things he must do.
Empathy: We feel sorry that he’s in such a bad situation, with his wife a prisoner in a seemingly impenetrable prison in a fascist, military state. We feel for him when he gets shot. We feel for him when he relates to Roger the tale of a schoolyard incident that wounded him.
Gunnar Trask, antagonist
Likable: he works hard, runs the prison efficiently. Seems to display empathy for Livia when he offers her a way out of the prison.
Relatable: We sees he’s under pressure as the warden, and is disliked, though respected. We see he leaves a vulnerability in the prison that enables Livia to escape.
Empathy: We might feel some sorrow for him when we see his violent death.
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Dave Holloway’s character profiles
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that delving more deeply into the characters makes them more rounded and believable.
High Concept: 50 years in the future, two young Englishmen must cross an American continent that has become divided into independent states based on primary vocation or social identity in an attempt to rescue one’s wife, who has been imprisoned in a military state.
Nigel Williamson
Nigel, at the beginning, is an intelligent, principled young man who fears danger and physical confrontation. By the end, he has endured danger and physical conflict and is better able to handle both, because he has discovered more courage in himself than he suspected existed.
Actor attractors
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
Nigel is transformed from a rather bookish, young man who shies away from conflict to a man who survives being shot and wounded and risks his life repeatedly in his attempt to free his wife from prison.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
The fact that he is on a tremendous adventure that a character like himself would never be inclined to make. Yet he’s drawn into it by necessity, and he finds reserves of courage and tenacity that are surprising even to himself.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
When he’s shot during a gun battle and eschews having his wound treated by a doctor in order to save time in his trip across the continent; and when he devises a clever plan to free his wife from prison and engages in a fight with the prison’s warden.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
He is introduced in court, arguing to a jury to preserve a family of a mother and two children together. He is seen as naturally intelligent, eloquent and passionate.
5. What is this character’s emotional range?
He transforms from a man with no experience of physical conflict to a character who risks his life. During the course of the screenplay, he displays enormous love for his wife, bitterness at her unjust imprisonment, rage against the military state where she’s imprisoned, devotion to the friend, Roger, who accompanies him on the journey, and a willingness to risk everything to save her.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
He can play the subtext of enormous love for his wife that motivates him to go far beyond the comfort zone he’s known all his life; also love for the male friend to volunteers to accompany him, and a willingness to risk everything.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?
It is the relationship with Roger, who travels across the North American continent with him. Though they are dissimilar in some ways, they have a genuine bond that is strengthened by the adventure, and each is dependent on the strengths of the other to survive at different times in the story.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
He is English, so he speaks with an English intonation and phrasing, and his natural intelligence and eloquence give his voice a unique quality.
9. What makes this character special and unique?
It is the fact that he confronts dangers and challenges during the story that we would tend to believe would overcome him, given his sheltered background and dislike for physical conflict, and he ultimately proves equal to those challenges, finding previously unknown courage within himself.
10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)
Near the end of the story, the character risks his life in a daring attempt to free his wife from a military prison, overcomes the prison warden in a fight and is overjoyed when he frees his wife.
Role in story: protagonist, mission is to rescue wife
Age range and description: mid-20’s, medium height, slim build, a man given to thought and reflection more than physical action
Core traits: intelligent, loyal, passionate, afraid of danger/physical confrontation, articulate
Motivation: want/need: he wants to rescue his wife, he needs to prove himself up to whatever the journey requires because he will never forgive himself if his loss of nerve dooms his attempt
Wound: at 12, he was punched in schoolyard incident and ran away, which has haunted him ever since.
Likability: pleasant, intelligent, loyal to friend and wife, love for wife compels him on journey he would ordinarily shy away from
Relatability: his fear of danger, his desire to prove himself equal to journey, love for wife and friend, good nature
Empathy: faced with dangerous journey that scares him, truly loves wife and will be devastated by her death, know the odds are heavily against him succeeding
Roger Darby
journey: he goes on trip to rescue Nigel’s wife with Nigel, and his courage and loyalty are important to its success. By the end, he has shown the capacity for deep emotion and quick thinking that had wasn’t sure he had.
Actor attractors
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Roger plays a heroic role as a naturally courageous, adventurous friend who volunteers to accompany Nigel partly because her enjoys adventure. He’s also deeply loyal to his friend and risks his life several times to save him. Without his courage in the face of danger, his friend’s quest would have ended in failure.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Because his courage doesn’t lead him to great egotism; he remains down to earth and genial throughout. Also, because he joins the adventure without his friend asking him to come along, and because his loyalty to his friend is so deep that he’s willing to risk his life for him. And because he begins a love affair during the course of the story with an American girl.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
When his friend is discussing his wife’s predicament, he volunteers to accompany him without any prompting; when the two are embroiled in a dispute between laborers and police, he punches a policeman and knocks him out; he volunteers to participate in an armed battle with Native Americans against hunters from a neighboring nation-state; and he risks his life to help his friend’s wife escape from prison.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
He’s introduced playing rugby, a rough and tumble, colorful sport, and excelling at it. In the next scene, he has drinks with his friend and volunteers to accompany him to the military state, without being asked.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
His range goes from sympathy for his friend, to good-natured jocularity, to sympathetic allegiance with three Native-Americans he meets, to deep sorrow when one of them is killed, to anger and rage when he fights for his friend’s wife’s release, to exhilaration when they’re free again.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
Loyalty and love for his friend motivating him to accompany him; dislike of hunters for killing animals for sport; growing attraction to a girl they meet on the journey, and ultimate willingness to give his life for his friend and his wife.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
His friendship with Nigel, which is revealed to be deeper and stronger than apparent at first; to his friendship with and willingness to fight alongside three Native-Americans he meets; to his romance with an American girl he meets.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
By emphasizing his rough and ready nature and natural courage, his good-heartedness, the profanity he uses freely, and the simple but sincere way he expresses deep emotions.
9. What could make this character special and unique?
The fact that he volunteers for a potentially dangerous mission very easily and confidently; the fact that he risks his life for his friend; his willingness to join a gun battle between Native Americans and hunters because of a friendship he’s made with one of them; and the fact that he risks his life to save his friend’s wife.
Role in story: Best friend of Nigel, who volunteers to go on journey with him and uses his courage and loyalty to help mission succeed
Age range and description: mid-20’s, husky, tall, powerfully built
Core traits: courage, loyalty, toughness, good nature
Motivation: want/need: He wants to help Nigel rescue his wife. He needs to prove he has more emotional depth and intelligence than he’s sure he possesses
Wound: regarded by others, and possibly himself, as lacking intelligence and capacity to love deeply
Likeability: good nature, courage, loyalty to friend
Relatability: he’s unsure about some aspects of self, he’s not exceptionally bright
Empathy: we feel empathy for his self-questioning about his ability to love, and his lack of love relationship that Nigel has, and for fact he might be killed on mission that is devoted to Nigel’s interests
Livia Williamson
character journey: she goes from young, somewhat naive journalist whose life has never been threatened for reporting to stronger, more experienced person whose courage and integrity have been tested and proven up to the test
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Because she is under duress throughout the story, but displays remarkable courage, endurance and intelligence throughout. Her courage and undying love for her husband make her as heroic as either of the two males in the other two lead roles.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Because she has grown up in a normal, English home and has never been in serious trouble before, but when she is imprisoned and sentenced to execution in a military state, she never succumbs to despair, never weakens in her resistance to the prison and its warden, and her love for her husband remains steadfast.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
When offered a way out of the prison, she refuses to name any of the local people who told her of the prison’s crimes, and instead insults the warden who made her the offer. At the end of the story, she risks her life in a daring escape.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
By having her first appearance be in a SKYPE call she makes to her husband from the military state, in which she expresses great anxiety about her survival; and having her second appearance be in another SKYPE call, during which she is arrested by military officers and taken away. In both instances, she maintains her courage and dignity.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
From despair when she’s sentence to execution in a military state far from her husband to declarations of love for her husband, to empathic sorrow for another woman she meets in the prison, to rage at the prison and its warden, to jubilation when she escapes it.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
A sense of desperation about her condition, to deep longing for the husband she fears she’ll never see again, to despair that her execution is imminent, to wild joy about a possible escape.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?’
Her relationships with her husband (they’ve been married a short time), her friendship with another woman in the prison whose husband has already been executed at the prison, and her acquaintance with a female prison guard, who carries out a surprising act of sympathy that helps her escape.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
In her communications with other characters, in which her eloquence, courage, loyalty, passion, and idealism are heard.
9. What could make this character special and unique?
She has exceptional courage and character, as well as an idealism that makes her risk death, along with intelligence that helps her intuitively understand others.
Role in story: wife of Nigel, who’s imprisoned and must withstand terrors of prison and oppression of warden to survive and be rescued
Age range and description: mid-20’s, pretty but not beautiful, fair-haired, intelligent
Core traits: intelligence, integrity, loyalty, courage, endurance
Motivation: want/need: she wants to survive her imprisonment and be reunited with her husband. She needs to prove worthy of her journalistic profession’s ethics and not be guilty of compromising them
Wound: underlying insecurity due to father abandoning her family when she was a child, and insecurity that caused her.
Likability: courage, intelligence, loyalty to husband, unbroken spirit
Relatability: in many ways, a normal young woman, someone trying to good job as journalist and to remain alive, someone with some underlying insecurity
Empathy: we feel for her because she truly loves Nigel, and she’s facing imminent execution on false charges, and she shows fidelity to ideals of her profession though she could win her freedom by breaking them
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Dave Holloway’s character intrigue
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that most or all characters probably have unspoken wounds and searching for these can make the character more complex, interesting and likable.
Nigel Williamson
Protagonist
Nigel has a secret which creates an unspoken wound and gives him a hidden agenda. In grade school, at 10 or 12, another boy punched him during a physical education period and he ran away from him. This has created a wound, and he will try to alleviate it by showing courage during the attempt to rescue his wife. He also knows that if his courage fails him at any point, resulting in his rescue attempt being unsuccessful, he will never be able to forgive himself.
Roger Darby
Protagonist
Roger has a hidden agenda and a competition regarding Nigel. He knows that Nigel is smarter than him and that many people regard him as purely a man of physical prowess who lacks much intelligence or depth of feeling. This bothers him, and he wants to prove that he indeed has intelligence and the capacity to feel deeply. This will become apparent when he and Nigel get to the military state, and his love for Nigel leads him to risk his life in performing some act requiring intelligence that is crucial to rescuing Nigel’s wife. Roger also has a secret, which is that he resents authority and dislikes the military because it is such an authoritarian milieu. He also dislikes it because his uncle fought alongside the Americans in the second gulf war, was hit by shrapnel and spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair, an outrage magnified by the fact that his uncle was lied to by the Americans, who told him the war was to free Iraq of Saddam Hussein, when in fact it was to ensure American control of Iraq’s oil.
Livia Williamson
Protagonist, Nigel’s wife
Livia has a secret and a hidden agenda. When she arrived in Shiloh, the military state, she saw how appallingly fascist and cruel its leadership was. She talks to civilians who live in the state, who tell her it executes people for treason if they express the least opposition to it, or if they’re merely suspected of doing so. After she writes articles exposing this, she is incarcerated. Her horror at what is happening in the prison increases her opposition. The warden tries to get her to reveal the name of one of the civilians who told her about the executions, but she refuses to. She will write a series of articles in the prison exposing the outrages perpetrated by the state within the prison and outside it. She manages to smuggle the articles out of Shiloh, with instructions that they’re to be published after she escapes or is killed.
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<div>Dave Holloway’s Subtext characters</div>
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that exploring subtext possibilities for characters opens up possible new facets of them that make them more interesting and three-dimensional.
Movie Title: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Character Name: “Chief”
Subtext Identity: a supposedly “dumb”, i.e., non-speaking man who’s a resident of the asylum is actually able to speak and is much more intelligent than the people around him believe
Subtext Trait: is cleverly concealing how much he understands and how strong he is by pretending to be unable to speak and maintaining a passive facade
Subtext Logline: “Chief” is maintaining the illusion of being unable to speak to hide from others how much he sees and understands of what’s going on around him
Possible Areas of Subtext: Maintains silent persona and passive disposition so authorities at the asylum won’t see his strength; is silent so authorities won’t know how much he sees and understands about what’s going on around him; maintains silent, non-reacting persona so authorities won’t see him as a threat to escape
Title: The Last, Best Hope
Character Name: Nigel Williamson
Subtext Identity: is a lawyer who’s articulate and intelligent and passionate in court but has always been afraid of danger and physical conflict.
Subtext Trait: Uses his intelligence and persuasive ability to maintain a civilized persona and stay out of dangerous situations
Subtext Logline: Nigel tires to obtain his wife’s freedom by every non-violent means he can think of, but is thrust into a world where they will be insufficient, while knowing that if his courage fails him in trying to free his wife, he’ll never be able to forgive himself
Possible Areas of subtext: tries to argue his friend, Roger, out of becoming involved in a gun battle between Native Americans and hunters; tries various non-violent means of freeing her from the military prison she’s incarcerated in.
Character Name: Roger Darby
Subtext Identity: is a stockbroker who is unfailingly courageous and ready to fight, but wants to prove to himself and Nigel that he has is not simply tough and strong: i.e., that he possesses more emotional depth and intelligence than many others would believe
Subtext traits: possesses hidden level of human feeling and intelligence
Subtext Logline: Roger wants to show he possesses some of Nigel’s capacity to love and some of his intelligence.
Possible Areas of subtext: Nigel mentions how happy he was when falling in love with and marrying his wife, and Roger expresses uneasiness about never having felt so deeply for a woman. Roger undertakes a surveillance mission at the prison where Nigel’s wife is held, or some other job requiring quick thinking and observational skills in the final effort to free her.
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Dave Holloway’s Actors Attractors
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that going through these specifications allows me to give the characters more depth and authenticity.
Character: Livia Williamson, wife of protagonist Nigel Williamson
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Because she is under duress throughout the story, but displays remarkable courage, endurance and intelligence throughout. Her courage and undying love for her husband make her as heroic as either of the two males in the other two lead roles.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Because she has grown up in a normal, English home and has never been in serious trouble before, but when she is imprisoned and sentenced to execution in a military state, she never succumbs to despair, never weakens in her resistance to the prison and its warden, and her love for her husband remains steadfast.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
When offered a way out of the prison, she refuses to name any of the local people who told her of the prison’s crimes, and instead insults the warden who made her the offer. At the end of the story, she risks her life in a daring escape.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
By having her first appearance be in a SKYPE call she makes to her husband from the military state, in which she expresses great anxiety about her survival; and having her second appearance be in another SKYPE call, during which she is arrested by military officers and taken away. In both instances, she maintains her courage and dignity.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
From despair when she’s sentence to execution in a military state far from her husband to declarations of love for her husband, to empathic sorrow for another woman she meets in the prison, to rage at the prison and its warden, to jubilation when she escapes it.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
A sense of desperation about her condition, to deep longing for the husband she fears she’ll never see again, to despair that her execution is imminent, to wild joy about a possible escape.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?’
Her relationships with her husband (they’ve been married a short time), her friendship with another woman in the prison whose husband has already been executed at the prison, and her acquaintance with a female prison guard, who carries out a surprising act of sympathy that helps her escape.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
In her communications with other characters, in which her eloquence, courage, loyalty, passion, and idealism are heard.
9. What could make this character special and unique?
She has exceptional courage and character, as well as an idealism that makes her risk death, along with intelligence that helps her intuitively understand others.
Roger Darby, beat friend of Nigel Williamson, who offers to accompany him on his journey across what was formerly the U.S. to try to rescue his wife.
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?
Roger plays a heroic role as a naturally courageous, adventurous friend who volunteers to accompany Nigel partly because her enjoys adventure. He’s also deeply loyal to his friend and risks his life several times to save him. Without his courage in the face of danger, his friend’s quest would have ended in failure.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?
Because his courage doesn’t lead him to great egotism; he remains down to earth and genial throughout. Also, because he joins the adventure without his friend asking him to come along, and because his loyalty to his friend is so deep that he’s willing to risk his life for him. And because he begins a love affair during the course of the story with an American girl.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?
When his friend is discussing his wife’s predicament, he volunteers to accompany him without any prompting; when the two are embroiled in a dispute between laborers and police, he punches a policeman and knocks him out; he volunteers to participate in an armed battle with Native Americans against hunters from a neighboring nation-state; and he risks his life to help his friend’s wife escape from prison.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?
He’s introduced playing rugby, a rough and tumble, colorful sport, and excelling at it. In the next scene, he has drinks with his friend and volunteers to accompany him to the military state, without being asked.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range
His range goes from sympathy for his friend, to good-natured jocularity, to sympathetic allegiance with three Native-Americans he meets, to deep sorrow when one of them is killed, to anger and rage when he fights for his friend’s wife’s release, to exhilaration when they’re free again.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
Loyalty and love for his friend motivating him to accompany him; dislike of hunters for killing animals for sport; growing attraction to a girl they meet on the journey, and ultimate willingness to give his life for his friend and his wife.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?
His friendship with Nigel, which is revealed to be deeper and stronger than apparent at first; to his friendship with and willingness to fight alongside three Native-Americans he meets; to his romance with an American girl he meets.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented?
By emphasizing his rough and ready nature and natural courage, his good-heartedness, the profanity he uses freely, and the simple but sincere way he expresses deep emotions.
9. What could make this character special and unique?
The fact that he volunteers for a potentially dangerous mission very easily and confidently; the fact that he risks his life for his friend; his willingness to join a gun battle between Native Americans and hunters because of a friendship he’s made with one of them; and the fact that he risks his life to save his friend’s wife.
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Dave Holloway’s Actor Attractors for “The Last, Best Hope”
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that the Actor Attractors can lead to creating new and interesting dimensions for the characters.
Movie Title: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Lead Character Name: Randall P. McMurphy
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
The role gave Jack Nicholson a chance to show a broad range of emotions as he is transformed from a charismatic, adventurous, rebel to a mere shell of a human being after being subjected to multiple rounds of shock therapy.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
He’s interesting because of his wild, life-loving nature and the way he inevitably comes into conflict with, and tries to overcome the repressive, soul-destroying mechanisms of the mental hospital in which he’s incarcerated.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
One is the boating expedition he leads the other asylum inmates on, which is a comical misadventure. Another is the revolt he leads against the asylum’s employee, Nurse Ratched, which ends with him trying to strangle her. Another is the basketball game the patients play against the guards, in which he encourages an enormous Native American patient to utilize his height effectively in the game.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
He’s introduced during a talk he has with the asylum’s top officer, who recites some of the crimes McMurphy has been convicted of. Right away, he’s seen as a rebel and a tough, vibrant, irrepressible individual who is also smart enough to be aware of everything going on around him – an array of qualities that would be attractive to many actors.
5. What is this character’s emotional range?
He ranges from high-spirited, charismatic rebel with great zest for life, to an enraged asylum inmate who tries to kill Nurse Ratched for her actions that caused the suicide of another inmate, to finally, an empty, mentally destroyed wreck without emotional affect.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
He can play the natural rebelliousness of his character when it comes into contact with the asylum that enforces conformity and obedience. He can also play his human quality of compassion for another inmate, known as “Chief”, as he tries to help him survive the asylum.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?
The most interesting relationship he has is with Nurse Ratched, because they are two diametrically opposed forces that inevitably come into conflict. Though there is evidence of some attraction between the two in the scene where he tries to strangle her.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
His voice is presented in the unique way he looks at things, in the observations he makes, in the strong life-force that comes through in some of his statements, in his profanity, and in the wildness of his dialogue, which gives a sense of his colorful, combative nature.
9. What makes this character special and unique?
He’s unique in that he is naturally rebellious and seemingly undefeatable, will take on any opponent, has a strong love of life, and has to be reduced to a shell before he can be overcome.
10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)
There is a brief scene where McMurphy is led off to undergo shock treatments. He has already survived one round of them intact, and as he’s being led away, he looks as the “Chief” and says, “You and me, Chief, you and me”, pledging a solidarity between them that can withstand the asylum’s attempts to control them.
Movie Title: The Last, Best Hope
Lead Character Name: Nigel Williamson
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
Nigel is transformed from a rather bookish, young man who shies away from conflict to a man who survives being shot and wounded and risks his life repeatedly in his attempt to free his wife from prison.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
The fact that he is on a tremendous adventure that a character like himself would never be inclined to make. Yet he’s drawn into it by necessity, and he finds reserves of courage and tenacity that are surprising even to himself.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
When he’s shot during a gun battle and eschews having his wound treated by a doctor in order to save time in his trip across the continent; and when he devises a clever plan to free his wife from prison and engages in a fight with the prison’s warden.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
He is introduced in court, arguing to a jury to preserve a family of a mother and two children together. He is seen as naturally intelligent, eloquent and passionate.
5. What is this character’s emotional range?
He transforms from a man with no experience of physical conflict to a character who risks his life. During the course of the screenplay, he displays enormous love for his wife, bitterness at her unjust imprisonment, rage against the military state where she’s imprisoned, devotion to the friend, Roger, who accompanies him on the journey, and a willingness to risk everything to save her.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
He can play the subtext of enormous love for his wife that motivates him to go far beyond the comfort zone he’s known all his life; also love for the male friend to volunteers to accompany him, and a willingness to risk everything.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?
It is the relationship with Roger, who travels across the North American continent with him. Though they are dissimilar in some ways, they have a genuine bond that is strengthened by the adventure, and each is dependent on the strengths of the other to survive at different times in the story.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
He is English, so he speaks with an English intonation and phrasing, and his natural intelligence and eloquence give his voice a unique quality.
9. What makes this character special and unique?
It is the fact that he confronts dangers and challenges during the story that we would tend to believe would overcome him, given his sheltered background and dislike for physical conflict, and he ultimately proves equal to those challenges, finding previously unknown courage within himself.
10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)
Near the end of the story, the character risks his life in a daring attempt to free his wife from a military prison, overcomes the prison warden in a fight and is overjoyed when he frees his wife.
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Dave Holloway’s Four-Act Transformational Structure
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that the four-act structure provides a suitable framework within which to develop the elements needed for a believable transformational journey and a successful script.
Concept: Forty years in the future, two young Englishmen must cross an America that has divided into independent states based on primary vocation or social identity, and try to rescue one’s wife, who faces execution in a military state.
Main Conflict: Nigel, the protagonist, must try to free his wife from a military state in which the security, aided by high-tech methods, is incredibly difficult to overcome and must defeat a prison warden fanatically dedicated to preventing escape. His wife, Livia, is a journalist who is reporting on some of the independent states for a British news network.
Old Ways: Nigel has been rather sheltered, growing up in a comfortable suburb and attending good schools. He uses his intelligence to avoid conflict and is uncomfortable with physical confrontation.
New Ways: Through the challenges he encounters on the journey across the country, Nigel becomes more comfortable with action and adventure, and more confident that he can survive it.
Act 1
Opening: Nigel is shown in court, arguing to convince the court that a mother should be allowed to remain with her two children, though she has had some personal difficulties.
Inciting Incident: Nigel engages in a SKYPE communication with Livia, his wife, in which she tells him that the military state she is in is very hostile to journalists. During the call, men enter her room and take her away to a military prison.
Turning Point: Nigel meets with government officials and even appears on a British talk show, trying to stir action that will lead to his wife’s release. He finally realizes he must go to Shiloh, the military state, to try to obtain her freedom in person.
Act 2
New Plan: He and his friend, Roger, who has volunteered to accompany him, get on a plane to fly to Los Angeles, the city nearest to the prison where Livia is held.
Plan in Action: As they are flying to Los Angeles, the pilot informs the passengers that the independent states along the east coast of North America have declared their air space closed to foreign aircraft, and thus the plane must land in New York and go no further.
Midpoint Turning Point: Nigel and Roger realize they must travel overland to the west coast. They take a bus to cross the business state, known as Commerce, where New York is now located.
Act 3
Rethink everything: Nigel gets a communication from Livia, informing him that she might not have many days left to live, because the military state will execute her.
New Plan: Nigel and Roger know they must cross the continent as quickly as possible, and so they cross the next state, Elysium, by taxi. In the state after Elysium, known as Wilderness, they get on a train to take them across the state.
Turning Point: Huge failure/major shift
As they are crossing Wilderness, they become embroiled in a battle between the hunters of Wilderness, a state for rich men to hunt and fish in, and the next state, a Native-American state called Tribal Nations. A battle breaks out, and both Nigel and Roger are wounded in it. Now they must cross Tribal Nations as quickly as possible, because the time in which to reach Shiloh and free Livia is running out.
Act 4
Climax/ultimate expression of the conflict
They make their way hastily across Tribal Nations, then cross the Western Reserve, a state in which there are no laws, before reaching Shiloh. They use their wits to enter Shiloh and cross to the town where Livia is held, then must try to free her with little time left.
Resolution
They use their wits to enter the prison and physically overcome the warden, free Livia from her cell, and escape the military state in the plane of a man who is part of an underground movement of resistance to Shiloh and flies people out of the state when their anti-government activity means they will be put to death if they are captured. .
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Dave Holloway’s Subtext Plot
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development issues.
What I learned from doing this assignment is the importance of using subtext to deepen the experience of the movie and the need to know precisely what the subtext is.
Concept: Forty years in the future, two young Englishmen must cross an America that has divided into independent states based on primary vocation or social identity, and try to rescue one’s wife, who faces execution in a military state.
My subtext plot will be “Superior Position.”
Nigel, the protagonist, is traveling through a number of independent states that were created after the United States broke apart. He knows his wife has been imprisoned on a false charge of espionage in a military state on the Pacific Coast, in the area that had been Southern California. We see his wife’s experience of the prison, and how terrible conditions in the prison are, as the military has imprisoned everyone suspected of opposing its fascist rule, and nearly all of them will be executed. Aware of this, several women prisoners held in the area of the prison Nigel’s wife is in have hung themselves in recent weeks. Nigel also doesn’t know that the military state is aware of his mission to rescue his wife, and plans to kill him before he ever reaches its border. Further, he doesn’t know how tightly controlled the military state is, and how advanced their technology is for spying on the activities of anyone within the state. Finally, he is unaware the prison’s warden is intensely devoted to maintaining control of the prisoners and preventing escape.
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Dave Holloway’s Transformational Journey
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development issues.
What I learned doing this assignment is the crucial nature of the transformational journey and how important it is to clearly define it before writing the script.
Character Arc
Arc beginning: Nigel is a cautious young man with little experience in the adventurous, combative real of life, who is fearful of those experiences.
Arc ending: Nigel is confident that he can handle himself when facing danger and possible violence.
Internal Journey: Nigel goes from fearing physical conflict and trying to avoid it to a more accepting attitude and a confidence that he can withstand it.
External Journey: Nigel goes from never having any physically combative experiences to surviving several of them and realizing he’s more capable of handling them than he thought.
Old Ways: Nigel is afraid of physical conflict and tries to use his intelligence to anticipate and avoid it and avoids situations where it’s likely to arise.
New Ways: Nigel has developed a taste for adventure and no longer has such fear of it and doesn’t make every effort to avoid it.
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Dave Holloway’s Intentional Lead characters
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned from doing this assignment is the importance of having your lead characters fit the title and concept powerfully.
Character: Nigel, 25, a young lawyer in London
Character: Roger, 25, a stockbroker in London and friend of Nigel
Character: Livia, 24, Nigel’s wife and a British journalist who has been taken prisoner in a military state and sentenced to death.
Lester Trask: 42, warden of the prison where Livia is held
Loglines
Nigel is an intelligent, rather sheltered young man who loves Livia deeply but is uncomfortable with physical hardship.
Roger is naturally courageous and fond of adventure, while lacking Nigel’s intelligence.
Livia is a successful, young journalist who was imprisoned in a military state on false charges.
Lester Trask is focused on keeping the inmates at his prison under control at all times, and enjoys using brutal means to enforce compliance.
Unique
Nigel: though outwardly rather quiet and reserved, possesses a consuming love for Livia that motivates him to take risks he would avoid otherwise.
Roger: Does not back down from any danger or confrontation, yet possesses a genuine love for Nigel, who lacks his courage and adventurous nature.
Livia: a naturally bold young woman who dared to support the citizens rebelling against the military state, and who will not allow either prison or the sadistic Trask to break her.
Trask is a natural fascist who loves holding power over the inmates and guards at his prison, and has no remorse over suppressing rebellion violently and executing innocent people.
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Dave Holloway’s Title, Concept and Character Structure
My vision: I would like to be a successful writer in Hollywood, with a number of successful movies to my credit that put forward a core belief about environmental, political, or personal development.
What I learned doing this assignment is that I have a buddy movie character structure rather than protagonist v. antagonist.
Title: The Last, Best Hope
Concept: Forty years in the future, two young Englishmen must cross an America that has divided into independent states based on primary vocation or social identity, and try to rescue one’s wife, who faces execution in a military state.
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I learned how perfectionism kills creativity by shutting off the ability to think of new ideas that could augment or improve the script. I also learned why giving feedback is more important and instructive than receiving feedback.
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I, Dave Holloway, agree to the terms of this release form.
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Hello to Everyone. My name’s Dave Holloway. I’ve written three scripts. I took the Pro Series and MSC 7. Also a class on comedy writing and one on writing a screenplay in 30 days. What I hope to get from this class is to renew in my mind some of the things I learned several years ago, but that might have faded, as well as to acquire some new information about outlining, marketing and (I’m sure) other things that the class will teach me. Something unique I did was catching a foul ball at an Oakland A’s baseball game and giving it to a woman sitting behind me, out of whose hands the ball had slipped before coming to me (sorry if that’s not unique enough). I did receive a round of applause from some fans sitting to my right, which felt good.
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Great class, Hal! I learned a lot about the basic structure a screenplay needs (transformational events, midpoint, etc.) The advice on writing fast and without inward criticism was also invaluable. I feel I now have a much clearer understanding of the elements of a screenplay. Best of luck to my fellow students with your writing projects, now and in the future.
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Dave Holloway’s Chronological Edit
What I learned doing this assignment is that by trimming the dialogue, I can invest the conversations with more energy, more clarity, and better flow.
I noticed most of all that my dialogue was too “wordy.” The characters took too many words to say certain things, and the excess verbiage slowed down the pace of the scene and the flow of the script.
I also noticed how important it is to have the transformational events, the midpoint, and the other structural elements in the script. They give it a meaningful framework that keeps the story from wandering and becoming vague. They also ensure that the script will have good elements of drama that keep it lively. And they help the writer stay “on track” with telling the story and exploring the theme, rather than getting bogged down in unnecessary issues and plot developments.
I also observed that the two characters who figure most prominently in most of the script do talk somewhat differently. But I must correct their dialogue to make them even more distinct in the kinds of things they say and the way they say them. I think I can do that by writing a draft that simply concentrates on rewriting and polishing the dialogue throughout.
I found as well that the characters need to take more actions when they’re talking to make the dialogue more realistic and believable, instead of just sounding like characters exchanging speeches.
I need to have more description of the physical environment surrounding the characters. The descriptions should be brief, but I need more of them to give a stronger sense of reality to the story.
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What I learned doing this assignment is that by trimming the dialogue, I can invest the conversations with more energy, more clarity, and better flow.
I noticed most of all that my dialogue was too “wordy.” The characters took too many words to say certain things, and the excess verbiage slowed down the pace of the scene and the flow of the script.
I also noticed how important it is to have the transformational events, the midpoint, and the other structural elements in the script. They give it a meaningful framework that keeps the story from wandering and becoming vague. They also ensure that the script will have good elements of drama that keep it lively. And they help the writer stay “on track” with telling the story and exploring the theme, rather than getting bogged down in unnecessary issues and plot developments.
I also observed that the two characters who figure most prominently in most of the script do talk somewhat differently. But I must correct their dialogue to make them even more distinct in the kinds of things they say and the way they say them. I think I can do that by writing a draft that simply concentrates on rewriting and polishing the dialogue throughout.
I found as well that the characters need to take more actions when they’re talking to make the dialogue more realistic and believable, instead of just sounding like characters exchanging speeches.
I need to have more description of the physical environment surrounding the characters. The descriptions should be brief, but I need more of them to give a stronger sense of reality to the story.
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Dave Holloway’s Solved Scene Problems!
What I learned doing this assignment is that there are innumerable ways of improving a scene, including having one of the characters reveal more of his personality in it by concentrating more of the scene on him.
EXT. OLYMPIA – DAY
Roger, Amelia and Nigel ride into Olympia. The land is mostly flat and covered with brush, broken up by gentle slopes surmounted by trees.
AMELIA: Four rich families founded Olympia and decided they would only admit whites. They’re proud of being self-sufficient, so they don’t have much contact with the other states. They do a lot of ranching and farming, and there are some towns, but no big cities. Some of the soldiers in their army came from other states.
NIGEL: There was always a strong undercurrent of racism in America, wasn’t there.
AMELIA: It had gotten better in the final decades of the country, I think. But America broke up before they could overcome it completely.
From off to the right comes the sound of galloping hooves. They see a small group on horseback, stirring up dust as they approach. The horses slow as they come near the three. Ten young white men regard them in silence for a moment. The LEADER guides his horse forward and addresses them.
LEADER: What are you people headed?
NIGEL: Just trying to get across to the train station. We’re traveling to Shiloh.
LEADER: What do you want in Shiloh?
Roger speaks somewhat belligerently.
ROGER: None of your concern. Who are you?
LEADER: We’re Guardians. We enforce the law in Olympia.
ROGER: Anyone appoint you? Or did you take it on yourselves to keep people in line?
The leader eyes him suspiciously.
LEADER: Our laws are pretty simple. We make sure they’re followed. Where are you from?
NIGEL: We’re from England.
ROGER: If we were black, would you try to make us turn around?
A note of hostility enters the leader’s voice.
LEADER: We allow all minorities two days to make safe passage through our state. Only people of European ancestry are allowed to remain.
Roger’s voice grows testy.
ROGER: I’m of European ancestry. What if I ask a friend of African ancestry to stay with me.
There’s a silence.
LEADER: We would convince your friend to leave.
Roger grows a bit more angry.
ROGER: How would you do that?
LEADER: By making him aware of our laws. If he tried to resist, we would escort him to the border.
ROGER: You sound like bloody fascists.
LEADER: White people own this state. We have the right to exclude whoever we want. We’re proud of Olympia.
ROGER: You look like little boys who’ve seen too many cowboy movies.
The Leader speaks tersely.
LEADER: You’re advised to leave, or you’ll get in over your head.
Roger’s eyes spark with anger.
ROGER: You couldn’t make me do anything without those Boy Scouts backing you up.
He nods toward the other Guardians.
LEADER: Care to find out if I can?
They stare at each other for several moments. The Leader gets off his horse. Roger does the same. They’re silent for a moment, then come together, tearing at each other, trying to get a good hold. The Leader punches Roger in the chin, then Roger hits him with a left and a roundhouse right that sends the leader to the ground, unconscious. Roger looks at him for a moment, then addresses the other Guardians contemptuously.
ROGER: Best tend to your comrade. He needs a bit of help..
The Guardians watch as Roger mounts his horse, and the three slowly ride away.
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Dave Holloway’s Solved Character Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is that ironing out these character problems at the beginning of the writing of a screenplay can save a lot of time rewriting later and establish a good framework for the story from the start.
The main problem I see is that the Antagonist is weak. This is because the antagonist is the warden of a prison that is holding the wife of the protagonist. The great majority of the screenplay is taken up with a journey the protagonist makes overland across North America to reach the prison to try to free her. So the antagonist is not present in most of the story. He is not a big expression of the protagonist’s fear, wound or main issue in life, and doesn’t constantly force the protagonist into difficult situations or make his life hell, except indirectly by tormenting the protagonist’s wife.
I think the way to solve the problem is to have the antagonist become more present in the story before the protagonist reaches the prison. There should be a series of “zoom” calls from the protagonist’s wife to him, in which she details the warden’s increasingly vicious behavior toward her. Finally, she will tell him the warden has raped her. As a result, the antagonist will be on the protagonist’s mind quite a bit, and always with the visions of his terrible actions toward her. This will serve to torment the protagonist as he makes his journey across the continent.
Also, by having his wife tell him that her time remaining in the prison before being executed, the protagonist will constantly be hurrying to cross the continent as quickly as possible, and his haste can cause him to face difficult situations.
Additionally, the warden can be a symbol, by his physical make-up, personal qualities and attitudes, of a type of man the protagonist greatly fears, and thus looms in the protagonist’s mind, as he crosses the continent, as a particularly fearsome opponent he’ll be hard-pressed to overcome.
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Dave Holloway’s Solved Structural Problems
What I learned doing this assignment is that clearly defining the basic elements of the structure allows for a much stronger, more compelling script.
Act 1
Opening/Old Ways
We see Nigel in court in the opening scene We see his ability to articulate thoughts and emotions, and some underlying passion. The “Old Ways” are clearly on view in his dialogue as he speaks to the jury. This is how he knows how to fight: to argue, use reason, to persuade.
Inciting Incident
Livia’s anguished call to Nigel from Shiloh shows how scared she is, and what a dangerous situations she’s in. The desperate nature of her plight, and Nigel’s clear love for her, make us interested to see what he can do to free her.
Turning Point
The turning point clearly locks us into the journey with no going back. Once Nigel and Roger get on the plane, they are admitting there’s nothing more they can do from England, and that they must fly to Shiloh. They will either succeed or fail there, without any alternative but to continue on the journey to where Livia is imprisoned.
Act 2
New plan: Nigel, after speaking with a representative of the British government, realizes he must go to Shiloh to try to free Livia. So he flies there with his friend Roger, who had asked to come along.
Plan in Action: Nigel and Roger fly to Shiloh. Nigel intends to free Livia in any possible way, whether it is by publicizing the unfairness of her imprisonment, appealing to the public there, appealing to people in Europe, by legal action to obtain her release, or by any other means.
Midpoint Turning Point: As Roger and Nigel ride a bus across Commerce, policemen board the bus and attempt to arrest a leader of the workers’ group rebelling against the government. Roger helps the leader and his bodyguards fight off the police. We see that this state has become profoundly degraded from what America had been, as workers are so mistreated that a full-scale rebellion is occurring, and the reaction is so oppressive that labor leaders are arrested and given long sentences without being caught in the commission of a crime. We begin to feel that Roger and Nigel will have a much more difficult journey across to Shiloh than we had thought.
Act 3
React/Rethink: Nigel realizes that the journey could be much more hazardous than he realized. He tries to prepare himself to use tactics and take chances that he has never taken before.
New Plan: Nigel realizes that he must forego his old belief in honest, mannerly, law-abiding behavior to deal with the rough and lawless conditions he will encounter as they cross to Shiloh.
Turning Point: Livia’s anguished message, telling Nigel she’ll be executed in two days, makes Nigel see that he will have to come up with dangerous action that will result in his and Roger’s execution if it fails to free Livia. Only direct, violent action against the military state will save Livia’s life.
Act 4
Dilemma: Nigel wants to punish the warden of the prison who has incarcerated Livia, because she told him he raped her, and he has put her through such a terrible ordeal. But he knows that if he confronts the warden, the conflict could lead him to have to kill the warden to win the conflict and enable him to escape with Livia and Roger. He has an innate aversion to killing another person, and feels it will in some way permanently lower his decency and moral character as a human being.
Climax/Ultimate Expression of the conflict
This is the ultimate expression of the conflict in that it pits the man trying to save his wife, who is on the side of freedom and decency, against the man in charge of the fascist system that is trying to execute her for unjust, malevolent reasons. A fight to the death is required because Nigel is so angry at the warden’s rape of Livia. When the warden answers that raping prisoners is one of the “perks of the job”, his uncaring attitude so enrages Nigel that he feels compelled to physically attack him.
Resolution: The resolution represents the new ways because Nigel is forced into physical battle with the warden. He can no longer use reason and persuasion as he did in England, to achieve justice. He has to fight the warden to punish him for his rape of Livia and his unjust imprisonment of her. It shows that the new ways are needed to defeat a system as oppressive as that of Shiloh.
New Ways: The new ways are willingness to break rules of civilized, law-abiding behavior Nigel must adopt to save his wife. So he and Roger physically overcome two cops and imprison them in the trunk of a car, Roger helps Livia escape, and Nigel kills the warden of the prison.
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Dave Holloway’s filled-in missing scenes!
What I learned doing this assignment is that being less concerned with the quality of the dialogue allows other ideas to strike me, such as possible actions for the characters and ways to deepen their dimensions.
I wrote this scene as an explanation for why there was a battle between whites and Native Americans in the story. I wanted to have the two groups fighting again, as they did centuries before, to suggest something about human nature, to criticize the genocide whites carried out against the Native Americans, and to prepare for a charge by the Natives that would allow them to rout the whites in the battle.
OUTLINE
EXT. TRIBAL NATIONS – DAY
Scene Arc: Nigel, Roger and Amelia ride through the Tribal Nations and near Olympia. They hear shots, and gradually come upon the scene of a battle between Natives and white troops near the border with Olympia. A stray shot hits Nigel in the shoulder. Amelia tends to it, dresses the wound, and Nigel is okay, as the shot went through the shoulder without doing major damage. Amelia explains that Olympia is a “whites only” state of rednecks, separatists and racists. Battle should be a stalemate at first, until the Natives make a courageous charge into Olympia through gunfire and send the white troops running for their lives. Some of the Natives chase them, while others return to Tribal Nations and carry away the Native dead. There is rejoicing among the Natives for their victory.
EXT. TRIBAL NATIONS – DAY
Roger, Amelia and Nigel ride in the shade of trees at the edge of a flat field of dry grass. A river runs beyond the trees, and they can hear it as it flows.
AMELIA: I’m glad they gave the tribes their own state. For four hundred years, the whites murdered them and stole their land. They also brought diseases with them that killed many more. With their own state, they’ve been free of the whites. Until the past year.
Nigel looks at her quickly.
NIGEL: What happened in the last year?
AMELIA: Tribal Nations borders on Olympia, a state of rednecks, separatists and racists. Only whites are allowed there. In the last year, ranchers in Olympia decided they wanted more grazing land for their cattle and sheep. So they’ve tried to take it from Tribal.
ROGER: Bastards. Not even surprising, with those types of shits.
AMELIA: They started to let their cattle graze in Tribal, and they set a new boundary within Tribal land. The Natives tried to talk with them, but they wouldn’t go back. So then the battles broke out.
NIGEL: Have many have been killed?
AMELIA: Several thousand on each side. The Natives have won some of their territory back, but whites still possess part of what they took.
ROGER: Stealing the land once wasn’t enough. Had to do it again. Those whores haven’t changed.
They’ve ridden up a gentle rise in the land, and they see, several hundred yards ahead, the scene of a battle between whites and Natives. They begin to hear the sound of gunfire. Nigel speaks with wonder.
NIGEL: Growing up, I saw plenty of American movies about whites fighting the Indians. I never dreamed I’d witness it in person.
AMELIA: Let’s get a little closer. I’ll go to the Natives and ask them to let us through.
ROGER: What tribe are the Natives?
AMELIA: Comanche.
As they ride, Nigel is knocked off his horse. The other two dismount and crouch around him.
ROGER: What happened, mate?
NIGEL: Something hit me in the shoulder.
He looks at his right shoulder and sees blood soaking through the shirt.
NIGEL: My God. I think I’ve been shot.
Amelia jumps up and digs something out of her saddlebag. She returns and kneels beside Nigel.
AMELIA: I’ve got first-aid here. Better take the shirt off.
Roger helps Nigel gingerly remove his shirt. Amelia inspects the back of the shoulder.
AMELIA: Good news is the bullet went all the way through. I’ll clean the blood away.
She takes a white cloth and cleans the wound.
AMELIA: Clench your teeth. This will sting.
She soaks liquid from a bottle into a cotton ball and applies it to the wound. Nigel takes a sharp breath of pain but doesn’t make a sound. She applies the liquid to the other side of the shoulder, and he grits his teeth again. She takes a bandage and tapes it down on each side of the shoulder.
NIGEL: Have to say, Amelia. Getting shot didn’t hurt as much as that disinfectant.
Nigel carefully gets to his feet, then slowly gets back atop his horse.
NIGEL: Arm doesn’t hurt too badly until I try to move it.
AMELIA: We should stop here. I’ll ask the Comanche if we can ride through to Olympia. You might want to let the horses have a drink from the stream.
ROGER: Be careful as you go, Amelia.
She moves her horse forward toward a line of Natives, 100 yards away.
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Dave Holloway’s Act 4 Resolution
What I learned doing this assignment is that, when writing without judging your work, you can write a great deal in a fairly short period of time.
Outline Key Scene 4
BEGINNING: They begin to drive through the streets of Vicksburg. Nigel is unsure of where to go.
MIDDLE: Livia tells him of a man the friendly prison guard told her about who flies people out of Shiloh to freedom. She remembers the directions the guard gave her to his home.
END: Nigel parks the car a block from the man’s house. The four run from the car to the man’s house. They knock on the door and he answers. He agrees to fly them out, so they hurry through his home to the plane behind it. They board the plane and he starts the engine, and they roll down the runway and take off.
Key Scene 4: Resolution
INT. CAR – DAY
They drive quickly through the Vicksburg streets.
ROGER: Easy, Nigel. Can’t speed and attract attention.
A VOICE comes over a radio-like apparatus on the dashboard.
VOICE: Officers Crandall and Gallagher, please identify your location and current pursuit.
Roger looks across at Nigel and speaks softly.
ROGER: Must be the blokes whose car this is.
NIGEL: Hope they don’t know where we are..
Nigel waits several seconds, then speaks to Livia in the back seat.
NIGEL: Roger and I thought we should return to the location where we entered Shiloh. We got over the wall there without being detected and we’ve got equipment to do it again.
Everyone is silent for a moment.
LIVIA: Nigel, the friendly guard at the prison told me about a men who flies people out of Shiloh so they can escape. She told me where he lives.
NIGEL: You have his address?
LIVIA: Yes, and I think I remember the directions she gave me to get there.
Nigel looks across at Roger.
NIGEL: What do you think, Rog? Which way is our best chance?
ROGER: They’re likely to have every cop in the state after us. Might not make it to the Shiloh border.
NIGEL: You’re right.
He turns back toward Livia again.
NIGEL: How far to this man’s house, Liv?
LIVIA: She said just over a mile.
NIGEL: Okay. How do I go?
LIVIA: Turn right at this next light. Then go on a ways until we reach Pershing Boulevard.
Nigel nods and slows to make his right turn.
INT. CAR – DAY
They’re on a large boulevard, driving at the speed of traffic.
LIVIA: Shouldn’t be far from here. Look for MacArthur Street and go right.
Nigel drives several seconds longer.
NIGEL: There it is.
He makes a right onto MacArthur. The voice sounds again from the dashboard, more emphatically.
VOICE: Officers Crandall and Gallagher, please identify location and pursuit.
They remain silent.
VOICE: All units in southeast Vicksburg. Police car heading south on MacArthur. Pursue and intercept.
NIGEL: They’re after us. How much further, Liv?
LIVIA: Only a couple blocks, I think. It’s number 1715.
Nigel accelerates slightly.
NIGEL: Here’s the 1600 block. Should be the next one.
They drive to the next block, and Nigel slows.
LIVIA: There it is – 1715!
NIGEL: Think I’ll drive another block. So the damned cops don’t know where we’ve gone.
He drives one more block, then swings the car in to the curb and parks.
NIGEL: Everybody out!
Nigel leaves the keys in the ignition as they all get out and begin to run to 1715.
EXT. VICKSBURG STREET – DAY
They run up several steps to the front door of 1715 and ring the bell.
LIVIA: My God, what will we do if he isn’t home?
They wait tensely for several seconds, then hear footsteps inside the house. The door opens, and RICK JANNSEN, 40, a slender man, medium height, with graying hair and beard, stands looking at them. Livia speaks breathlessly.
LIVIA: Mr. Janssen, I’m Livia Williamson. I’m a friend of Katharine Bell, the guard at the prison. She said you fly people out of Shiloh!
The man looks concerned. He gazes up and down the block quickly.
JANSSEN: Livia Williamson. Yes, I think Katharine told me about you. Quick, come in.
They rush inside and he closes the door.
NIGEL: The police are after us, sir, and will probably find our car up the street at any moment. Can you fly us out now?
Janssen thinks for a moment, then decides.
JANSSEN: Okay. Let’s get to the plane. This way.
He leads them past the living room, into the kitchen, then through a door to the outside area behind the house. He pulls out a small electronic device and pushes a button. A metal door on a garage to the left begins to open.
JANNSEN: Come on!
He runs toward the garage and ducks in under the rising door, with the others close behind him. A small, sleek plane is parked within the garage. He opens a door on the plane’s right side and steps up into it.
JANSSEN: Let’s go.
Livia, Amelia, Roger and Nigel step up inside the plane. From the pilot’s seat, Janssen turns the engine on, and the powerful engine comes to life. Janssen eases the plane out of the garage and taxis a short distance to the beginning of a runway in back of his house.
JANSSEN; Duck down, all of you! The cops can’t see I’ve got passengers!
The four quickly duck down below the windows of the plane. Janssen accelerates the plane down the runway. He speaks cautiously.
JANSSEN: There they are. Five police cars on the next block and cops looking around everywhere. Stay down!
The plane picks up more speed and its wheels leave the ground. The four are quiet and still. They feel the plane gently ascending.
JANSSEN: Hallelujah, we’re free as a bird. Don’t sit up until I tell you.
He takes the plane on a steady curve to the left. It continues rising into the sky.
JANSSEN: Beautiful day for flying. All right, you can look out now.
The four cautiously raise up and look through the windows. Below them is the calm blue water of the Pacific Ocean. The line of houses at the edge of Vicksburg behind them looks very small. Livia throws her arms around Nigel.
LIVIA: My God, Nigel, you’ve saved us! We’re free!
Nigel hugs her, and they share a long kiss.
NIGEL: Couldn’t have done it without Roger, here. Wouldn’t even have made it as far as Shiloh without him.
Livia hugs Roger and smiles.
LIVIA: Thank you, Roger!
Roger speaks quietly.
ROGER: So many times I thought we had no chance. Feels like a beautiful dream.
Janssen looks back at them and smiles.
JANSSEN: Mexico’s still a free country. I can take you down to Mexico City. You can get a flight home to England from there.
The four of them shout.
ALL FOUR: Hurrah!
The plane continues to climb into the cloudless sky with the blue ocean below.
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Dave Holloway’s Act 4 Climax
What I learned doing this assignment is that doing this quick version of a scene helped me see how little dialogue is needed in some scenes, and how too much of it can rob the scene of intensity.
BEGINNING: Nigel and Roger drive the stolen car on the block where their hotel is located.
MIDDLE: Nigel’s bad driving causes a police car to pull them over.
END: Before pulling over, Nigel drives into the hotel’s underground parking garage, with the police car following them. In the garage, the police order them out of the car and have them stand against it, with their hands touching the hood. Roger wheels around and punches one cop in the jaw, knocking him out. Nigel lets the knife inside his sleeve fall into his hand, turns and places it against the neck of the other cop. Roger handcuffs the officer. They remove the officer’s uniforms, put them on, place the two policemen in the trunk of their stolen car, and drive off in the police car.
Key Scene 3: Climax – The Ultimate Expression of The Conflict
EXT. VICKSBURG STREET – DAY
Nigel stops the car at the intersection with the street of their hotel and waits. Finally, he sees a white police car coming down the street. As it obeys the stop sign, he pulls into the street in front of it and starts swerving in his lane. They hear the police siren behind them.
Nigel slowly drives a short distance, as the amplified voice of one of the cops commands: “Stop your vehicle immediately.” Nigel drives down into the hotel’s underground garage, then stops close to their stolen car. The police car stops behind them. Roger’s voice is nervous.
ROGER: Ready, mate?
NIGEL: Our one chance, Rog.
The FIRST POLICEMAN approaches Nigel and speaks harshly.
FIRST POLICEMAN: Why didn’t you stop when I turned the siren on?
Nigel speaks with his English accent.
NIGEL: Thought I’d get off the road, first.
Roger speaks with his English accent, his tone sarcastic.
ROGER: He was making it safer for you, you dumb cop.
NIGEL: Didn’t you learn anything in police school.
The cop is angered.
FIRST POLICEMAN: Both of you – get out of the car!
The SECOND POLICEMAN exits the car and walks quickly up to his partner’s side. Nigel and Roger climb out of the car. The first policeman grabs Nigel by the upper arm, pulls him over to Roger’s side of the car and pushes him up against it. The second policeman pushes Roger against the car alongside Nigel.
As they stand with their stomachs pressed against the car, their hands on its hood, Roger and Nigel exchange a quick glance.
ROGER: Could I have a word?
Roger whirls around and punches the second policeman in the jaw, knocking him to the ground, where he lies, unconscious. Nigel lets the knife fall from his sleeve into his hand. As the second policeman starts toward Roger, Nigel turns and presses the blade against his neck.
NIGEL: Don’t move, mate. I’m a half-inch from your jugular.
The second cop stands still. Roger takes the handcuffs from his belt and handcuffs him. They remove the two cops’ uniforms and put them on, then place the cops in the trunk of their stolen car and lock it. They get into the police car and drive off.
EXT. VICKSBURG STREET
Nigel parks the police car alongside the prison. They get out and walk up the prison’s steps.
NIGEL: Remember, we’re Americans now.
They approach a desk where an OFFICER sits. Nigel speaks with an American accent.
NIGEL: We’ve been ordered to bring one of your prisoners, a Livia Williamson, to headquarters for interrogation about contacts she had with the Rebellion before her arrest. I believe she’s going to be executed tomorrow.
The officer types something on his computer, and gazes at it for a moment.
OFFICER: That’s right. Go ahead.
NIGEL: Is she in her cell right now?
The officer checks his computer again.
OFFICER: She’s at recreation. Just follow the stairs up to the roof.
NIGEL: Thank you, sir. One more thing. I was told to check in with the warden before we transport her. Where is his office?
The officer looks at him for a moment.
OFFICER: Room 237.
NIGEL: Thank you.
They walk away.
INT. PRISON – DAY
They begin climbing a flight of stairs.
ROGER: What do you want with the warden’s office?
NIGEL: Need a moment with him. Go ahead and get Livia and take her out to the car. I’ll be along quickly.
Roger nods. They reach the second floor. Nigel starts down a hallway while Roger begins walking up the next flight.
EXT. PRISON ROOF – DAY
Roger walks through a door onto the prison roof. In the recreation yard, about 50 prisoners play basketball, exercise, or stand in small groups and talk. He approaches a GUARD.
ROGER: Sir, I’ve been ordered to interrogate one of your prisoners, Livia Williamson, about contacts she may have had with members of the Rebellion before her arrest.
The guard looks at him, then seems satisfied that he’s legitimate.
GUARD: Go ahead.
ROGER: Which prisoner is she, sir?
The guard points to where Livia stands alone, not far from a group of prisoners talking.
ROGER: Thank you, sir.
Roger walks over to Livia. When she sees him, she is about to give an exclamation of happiness. Roger gives a slight, definite shake of his head, his expression grim. His voice is harsh.
ROGER: Are you Livia Williamson?
LIVIA: Yes.
ROGER: I’ve been ordered to interrogate you about your contacts with the Rebellion. Come with me.
He grips her elbow tightly and leads her toward the exit door. She is silent.
INT. PRISON – DAY
They start down the stairs together. Roger’s voice is hushed.
ROGER: We’re going to get you out. Don’t say a word. You’re our prisoner.
They go downstairs. When they pass the officer near the front door, Roger looks at him.
ROGER: Thank you, sir.
They walk through the door and to the police car, where Roger opens the door to the back seat for her and she gets in.
INT. PRISON – DAY
Nigel knocks on the door of room 237. The warden’s irritated voice answers.
WARDEN: Come in.
Nigel enters: Are you Warden Jackson?
The warden, sitting at his desk, looks at his suspiciously.
WARDEN: Yeah.
NIGEL: We have received reports that you raped a female prisoner, a Livia Williamson. Is that correct?
The warden is quiet for a moment. Then he relaxes a bit and gives a smile.
WARDEN: Hell, it’s one of the perks of the job.
Nigel advances toward him, stopping five feet from his desk.
NIGEL: You’re under arrest.
The warden stands.
WARDEN: Like hell I am.
Nigel steps toward him, letting the knife slip down into his hand. He speaks with visceral hatred.
NIGEL: You son of a bitch.
He tries to stab the warden in the chest, but the man moves aside, and the knife makes a surface cut on his arm. The warden draws the gun from his belt and points it at Nigel. Nigel grabs hold of the gun and forces it down, but it goes off, and shoots him in the lower leg. As they struggle for the gun, Nigel slashes the warden’s hand with the knife and pulls the gun free. Nigel points it at him.
NIGEL: Think I’ve got the nerve?
The warden growls and lunges at him, his left arm gripping Nigel’s right arm. Nigel fires, and the warden is shot in the chest. He goes down to the floor and groans. He mutters.
WARDEN: I’ll have you executed, you –
Nigel stands over him, and aims the gun at him. Then he fires, and the warden is silent. Nigel limps toward the door as quickly as he can, then opens it and walks through.
INT. PRISON – DAY
Nigel passes the desk of the cop he’d spoken to on entering.
NIGEL: Thank you, sir.
He quickly opens the door, hurries down the steps, and walks quickly to the car.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by
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Dave Holloway’s Act 4 First Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is that writing scenes in this ‘rough draft’ way allows me to see weaknesses of logic or credibility in the scenes more clearly, since they are unobscured by a lot of detail and dialogue.
Outline Key Scene 1
BEGINNING: Nigel is overwhelmed by despair. But with Roger’s help, he decides to take action to try to free Livia. They agree to walk to the prison.
MIDDLE: As they walk, they see their images reproduced on video screens, captured by unseen cameras. They notice many white polite cars driving past.
END: They reach the prison. Nigel says they shouldn’t spend much time looking at it, as there could be cameras recording them, and loitering about the prison could look suspicious. He also says they shouldn’t speak very loud to each other, as there could be unseen microphones. As they decide to return to the hotel, they see a handcuffed prisoner led out of the prison by two cops. They take him to their police car and drive off.
Outline Key Scene 2
BEGINNING: As they walk back to the hotel, Nigel tells Roger seeing the two cops escort the prisoner from the prison to their car has given him an idea. Roger asks what it is, but Nigel says they’ll talk about it in their room. He doesn’t want unseen microphones to pick up their conversation.
MIDDLE: They arrive at the hotel. Nigel decides they should walk into its underground parking garage. Once there, he looks around and says he doubts there are cameras in the garage, as there are in the street.
END: Nigel walks toward the darkest corner of the garage, and asks Roger to stand watch for him, 40 feet away, if anyone approaches. Nigel pulls out his pocket knife, which has a screwdriver accessory. He uses it to take the license plates off a car in the corner. He takes the plates to the car they stole when they entered Shiloh. He removes that car’s plates, puts the other set on, then puts the plates from the stolen car on the car in the corner. He explains to Roger that if they are stopped driving the next day, he doesn’t want the cops to know they’re driving a stolen car, since the car’s owner has probably reported it stolen.
Key Scene 1
Nigel’s head is bowed in despair.
ROGER: Come on, mate. We’re aren’t beaten, yet. Let’s figure out how we’re going to free her.
Nigel lifts his head.
NIGEL: You’re right, Rog. Time to buck up.
He’s quiet for a moment.
NIGEL: Let’s take a walk to the hotel. Clerk at the front desk told me it’s only four blocks from here.
They rise and walk out the door.
EXT. SHILOH STREETS – DAY
They walk along the Shiloh streets. The few pedestrians they pass all have their heads bowed. Everyone looks depressed. They see, on large video screens to the side of the road, their images as they walk along, captured by unseen cameras. Roger looks at them.
ROGER: Look at that. You’re recorded every bloody moment you’re in public.
NIGEL: So you know they’ve always got their eye on you.
ROGER: Fucking fascists.
They approach the prison.
NIGEL: Best not stand around outside the prison too long. Probably recording us, and it’ll look like we’re up to something if we loiter about this place.
ROGER: Right. Let’s just walk past it and turn around.
Nigel looks at it.
NIGEL: Bloody monstrous place. Looks impregnable.
ROGER: Not for two stalwart English lads.
They turn around and walk past the prison. Two cops escort a handcuffed prisoner from the prison to their police car, place him inside and drive away. Roger and Nigel keep walking.
NIGEL: Seeing those cops bring that bloke out of the prison and take him away gives me an idea.
ROGER: What is it?
NIGEL: Don’t want to talk about it out here. Never know if there are microphones around, to go with the cameras.
They approach the hotel.
NIGEL: Want to take a walk into the parking garage to check something.
They walk down into the dimly lit, underground garage. Nigel looks around.
NIGEL: Doubt there are cameras in here like there are on the street. This would be the place to do something secretive.
Nigel walks toward a distant, dark corner of the garage.
NIGEL: Stand watch for me, Rog. In case anyone comes in.
Roger nods. Nigel pulls out his pocket knife and takes out a screwdriver accessory. He kneels and unscrews the license plates from a car in the corner. He takes the plates over to their stolen car in another part of the garage, takes its plates off, puts the plates from the other car on, then walks to the other car and puts the plates from the stolen car on it. He stands.
NIGEL: I imagine the bloke we stole that car from has reported it stolen. If we’re stopped by the cops tomorrow, don’t want them knowing we’re driving a stolen car.
He nods at Roger, and the two of them walk out of the garage.
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Dave Holloway’s Completed Act 3
What I learned doing this assignment is that writing scenes out in rough, “first draft” form allows me to get a new look at the story, and suggests possible ways the story can go in the scenes I’m writing. It also gives me a better sense of whether the plot line is working in an interesting, believable way.
Outline Scene for Act 3
BEGINNING: After his message from Livia, Nigel is in despair. But he rouses himself, suggesting that they take a walk to the prison, which someone at the front desk told him is only four blocks away.
MIDDLE: They walk there, and see themselves projected on billboards along the street, captures by unseen cameras.
END: They decided to walk by the prison and not linger, as they don’t want to be seen acting suspiciously in proximity to it. As they walk past, they see two policemen emerge from the prison with a handcuffed prisoner. They place him in their police car and drive off.
Outline Scene For Act 3
BEGINNING: On the walk back, Nigel says seeing the prisoner escorted from prison by the two cops has given him an idea. Roger asks about it, but Nigel says he wants to think it through further. He’s also leery of talking on the street, because he thinks it’s possible that there are unseen microphones along the street which pick up conversation, as the cameras record images.
MIDDLE: When they arrive at the hotel, Nigel leads the way into its underground garage. He looks around for cameras, but sees none, and tells Roger there’s less chance they’d be photographed doing anything in there than out on the street, where they know the cameras are.
END: Nigel pulls out a pocket knife which has a screwdriver accessory. He walks back into the furthest, most poorly lit part of the garage, and tells Roger to stand lookout for him, 30 feet away. He uses the screwdriver and takes off the license plates of a car, then takes the plates off the car they borrowed from the man in Shiloh, replaces them with the other car’s plates, and puts the borrowed car’s plates on the second car.
Act 3 Scene
Nigel tries to rouse himself to action and shake off the depression the message from Livia gave him.
NIGEL: Let’s take a walk to the prison, Rog. Front desk clerk told me it’s only about four blocks away.
ROGER: Good idea.
They rise and leave the room
EXT. VICKSBURG STREETS – DAY
As they walk along the street, they see their images on billboards along the block, recorded by unseen cameras.
NIGEL: Bloody hell. You’re never alone when you’re out in public here. Big brother’s always watching.
ROGER: Fucking fascists.
They approach the prison.
NIGEL: Better not spend too much time around the prison. Don’t want the cameras noticing us looking around there. Shiloh probably has my name and face, and I can’t afford to attract attention.
ROGER: Look at that, mate.
Two policemen lead a handcuffed man out of the prison to their police car on the street.
NIGEL: My God. What a nightmare to live in this damned asylum.
ROGER: Suicide would start to look fairly good.
NIGEL: Good thing we know where the damned prison is, anyway. Let’s head back.
They turn and start walking back the way they came. Nigel turns once and looks back at the prison. He speaks softly.
NIGEL: I’ll get you out of there, Liv. Or die in the attempt.
They head up the street.
EXT. VICKSBURG STREETS – DAY
They approach their hotel. Nigel speaks under his breath.
NIGEL: Seeing the cops lead that bloke out of the prison gives me an idea, Rog.
ROGER: What’s that?
NIGEL: I’ll tell you when we get back to the room. Bastards probably have microphones around here to record our words, like the bloody cameras record us.
They continue walking.
EXT. VICKSBURG STREETS – DAY
At the hotel, Nigel leads Roger into the underground garage. He looks around at the walls. The garage is poorly lit.
NIGEL: Don’t imagine there’s any cameras in here. Can’t be sure, though.
Nigel pulls out his pocket knife, then walks toward the farthest, darkest corner of the garage. He stops Roger.
NIGEL: Stand here and let me know if anyone’s coming, Rog.
Roger nods. Nigel goes to a car in the corner and using a screwdriver accessory in the pocket knife, removes the license plates of a car there. He walks with Roger to the space, 50 feet away, where they parked the car they took from the man in Shiloh. He quickly removes its plates and puts the plates from the other car on. Then he takes the plates from their borrowed car and puts them on the car he took the first set of plates from.
NIGEL: Bloke we took that car from has probably reported it stolen. If we’re pulled over tomorrow, I don’t want the cops knowing we stole it.
Roger looks at Nigel in wonder, unsure what his plan is, but says nothing. They walk out of the garage together.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by
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Dave Holloway’s Act 3 Turning Point
What I learned doing this assignment is that having the character face the total failure of his plans will draw the audience’s sympathy, and cause them to root harder for him as he tries to come back from this ultimate low point.
Outline Key Scene 4 – Turning Point 3
BEGINNING: Nigel wakes in the morning at the hotel room he and Roger rented the night before. His cell phone on the nightstand is blinking, indicating a message.
MIDDLE: He watches the message. Livia, looking very worn down and sad, tells him the warden has informed her she will be executed in two days. She says she’d wanted more than anything to see him one last time, and is heartbroken that she won’t. She tells him she will always love him, and says good-bye.
END: As Nigel sees her image fade from the phone, his head lowers. He feels that hope is lost.
Turning Point 3
Nigel lies in bed in the hotel room. He looks haggard, as if he hasn’t slept. Finally he gets out of bed and dresses. He glances at the nightstand, and sees his cell phone is blinking, indicating a message. He sits down on the bed and presses a key. Livia’s face appears on the screen. She looks very worn out and sad as she speaks softly.
LIVIA: Nigel dearest, I’m not sure where you are, but I hope this message reaches you. The guard who’s a friend has lent me her phone. But I’m afraid this will be the last time I’ll ever speak with you. The Warden has informed me that I’m to be executed in two days. I had held out hope I might see you one last time, but it appears that I won’t. I just want to tell you that our years together were the happiest of my life. You were like a dream to me – a dream from which I never awoke. I’m sad to leave you, but I feel as if I’ve already had more happiness, in three years with you, than most people know in their entire lives. Please don’t try to rescue me, Nigel. The prison here is so brutal and every corner of it is under heavy guard and surveillance. It would be impossible for you, and I don’t want you to get arrested in this awful place. You must return to England and have a happy life. And now I’m afraid I must go, my dearest one. I’ll always love you.
As Nigel watches her face disappear from the screen, he hangs his head in despair. Roger awakes and looks at his friend with concern.
ROGER: What is it, mate?
Nigel’s tone is heavy with complete despair.
NIGEL: I’ve had a message from her. They’re going to execute her in two days.
Nigel hangs his head again and falls silent. Roger tries to sound encouraging.
ROGER: We’ll have to get moving, then.
Nigel doesn’t reply.
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Dave Holloway’s Act 3 Middle Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is that the speed-writing technique helps me see the key elements of a scene that need to be developed.
Key Scene 2 Outline
BEGINNING: Roger and Nigel arrive at the train station at the eastern border of Shiloh. Nigel has two days’ growth of bear and wears a hat, hoping to disguise himself from any cameras.
MIDDLE: Knowing they will probably be detected if they try to enter through the regular gate, they follow the 15-foot wall that encloses the state out into the countryside.. A tree grows close to the wall. They climb it, then swing from a limb to gain a handhold on the wall’s top edge and pull themselves up.
END: Below them is a river. They don’t know how deep it is. Nigel volunteers to jump and find out. He jumps and plunges into the water, his feet lightly touching the bottom, then springs back up. Roger follows him. They swim to the bank and walk away.
Key Scene 3 Outline
BEGINNING: They reach a lightly-travelled highway. Nigel walks out into the road and stops a car, then the two of them go to the driver’s side and convince the driver to get out.
MIDDLE: They drive to the capital of Vicksburg, where the prison holding Livia is located.
END: When they arrive in Vicksburg, they see it is a place of seemingly total control. Cameras record everyone walking along the street, broadcasting their images on tele-boards, billboards that show videotape. All-white police cars are plentiful on the streets. They check into a hotel, unsure how they can ever overcome this totalitarian state.
Key Scene 2
EXT. TRAIN STATION – Day
Nigel and Roger step down from the train. Nigel, attempting to disguise himself, wears a hat and has two days’ growth of beer on his face. Fifty yard ahead, they see the gate to enter Shiloh. Guards there check the identification of anyone entering by foot or car. There is a bus to Vicksburg, but again a guard is checking ID’s before anyone boards it.
ROGER: Not much chance of getting through.
NIGEL: Livia said hidden cameras photograph everyone coming into the state. Let’s take a walk and try to figure out a way to get in.
They walk along the exterior of the 15-foot wall around the state, following it out into the countryside. They see farm fields growing corn. They enter a grove of trees. Roger spots a tree that grows close to the wall.
ROGER: I think we might be able to get up into that tree and swing out from a limb to grasp the top of the wall.
NIGEL: Worth a try.
Roger climbs up into the tree, shinnies out onto a limb, drops down to swing from the limb, then rocks back and forth until he gains momentum to swing across to the wall. He grasps the top with his hands, then pulls himself up. He stands at the top of the wall.
ROGER: Have a go, Nigel.
NIGEL: Don’t have much choice, do I.
Nigel repeats Roger’s actions, swings across to the wall and grabs hold. Roger helps him lift himself to the top.
NIGEL: Can’t believe I did it.
Below them is a river. It’s impossible to see how deep it is.
ROGER: Guess I’d rather land in water than hard ground.
NIGEL: I’ll chance it, Rog.
Roger looks at him with surprise. Nigel looks down, prepares himself, and jumps. He plunges ten feet down into the water, and his feet lightly touch the bottom as he springs back up. He looks up at Roger, exhilarated.
NIGEL: It’s quite deep, mate. Nothing to worry about.
Roger jumps and surfaces.
NIGEL: Water’s quite nice, actually.
They laugh and swim to the river bank, pull themselves out and begin walking.
KEY SCENE 3
They walk two hundred yards toward a road. Lone cars occasionally pass. When another car approaches, Nigel walks out into the road and holds his hands up for it to stop. The car stops, and the two approach the driver’s window. The MAN inside the car rolls the window down.
NIGEL: I’m sorry, sir. But we need to borrow your car.
MAN: What do you mean, borrow my car?
ROGER: We don’t want to do you any physical harm, sir. So it’s best to just get out of the vehicle.
The man looks at them for a moment. Then he gets out of the car. Nigel gets in behind the wheel, and Roger on the passenger side.
NIGEL: We’ll make every effort to take care of your car, sir.
They drive off.
ROGER: You’re getting pretty ballsy, mate. Stopping the bloke’s car like that.
NIGEL: No time to waste, now.
They drive a while, then a white police car starts flashing its light and sounding its siren behind them. Nigel slows, but the car passes them without breaking speed.
NIGEL: My heart froze when I heard that siren.
ROGER: I wasn’t too comfortable, either.
They continue driving until the reach Vicksburg. It is early evening, and the sidewalks are mostly empty. They can see, on billboards along the street, their car driving along, captured on unseen cameras.
ROGER: My God. That’s a good way to keep people under control.
NIGEL: Brave new world.
Nigel looks up a side street and sees a worn-looking neon sign that reads, Hotel. He parks the car, and they walk toward it.
NIGEL: Remember – we can’t use our real names.
They open the front door of the hotel and walk inside.
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Dave Holloway’s Act 3 Reaction to Midpoint
What I learned doing this assignment is that if I think long enough, a few interesting possibilities arise that might help me write a difficult passage in the story.
OUTLINE – KEY SCENE 1: Reaction/Rethink
BEGINNING: Nigel tells Roger that Livia has been told she will be executed in seven days, and that Shiloh is a tightly-run, authoritarian state.
MIDDLE: They admit they have little idea how to fight Shiloh to free her. They agree they should be armed.
END: Roger suggests Nigel contact the British government, because they might be able to give him information about Shiloh and perhaps the name of someone there they can talk to.
KEY SCENE 1: Reaction/Rethink
INT. TRAIN – DAY
Nigel’s head is lowered for several seconds. Roger has up.
NIGEL: I’d read Shiloh was an authoritarian state where the military ran things, Rog. But I didn’t think it was a barbaric place that killed people without hesitation. And it sounds as if it’s tightly controlled to thwart anyone who tries to defy it.
ROGER: It’s like you said, mate. There are always people in fascist states looking for a chance to land a punch against them.
NIGEL: Livia told me they’re going to execute her in seven days.
Roger is astonished.
ROGER: Bastards. And she’s completely innocent.
NIGEL: Sounds as if we’ll be arrested if we try to enter the state legally. There’s a 15-foot wall around it that we’ll have to get over.
ROGER: We should probably be armed when we get there.
NIGEL: You ever shoot a gun, Rog?
ROGER: Just skeet shooting a few times with a rifle.
NIGEL: I never have. But you’re right – guns will give us a better chance.
They’re quiet for a moment.
NIGEL: Feels as if we’re walking in to a battle with blindfolds on. No idea who we’re fighting or how to beat them.
ROGER: You might try to reach our government. Prime Minister’s probably worthless, but there might be someone there who can tell us something about what the damned place is like, and how we should try to attack them.
Nigel’s voice sparks with enthusiasm.
NIGEL: That’s damned good, Rog. They might know someone trustworthy in Shiloh that we can talk to.
ROGER: And where we can locate some firearms.
Nigel nods and gazes out the window, pondering.
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Dave Holloway has completed Act 2 Draft 1.
What I learned doing this assignment is that allowing myself to write without criticism sometimes lets me write larger, more interesting scenes than when I constricted my imagination with criticism.
OUTLINE
BEGINNING: Nigel, Amelia and Roger enter Olympia on their horses and begin to cross the state.
MIDDLE: They’re confronted by a group of “Guardians”, a volunteer group that patrols the state enforcing the law. They question who the three are, where they’re from, and what they’re doing in Olympia. Some barbs begin to fly back and forth between Nigel and Roger and the Guardians. Roger and the Guardians’ leader dismount and fight.
END: Roger knocks out the Guardians’ leader. Roger gives him a last insult, and the three of them ride away.
EXT. OLYMPIA – DAY
Roger, Amelia and Nigel ride into Olympia. The land is mostly flat and covered with brush, broken up by gentle slopes surmounted by trees.
AMELIA: The four rich families that founded Olympia wanted to separate themselves from other races. Only whites are allowed to live here. They try to be like early America, when the country was mostly agrarian. They do a lot of ranching and farming, and there are some towns, but no big cities. Some of the soldiers in their army came from other states.
NIGEL: There was always a strong undercurrent of racism in America, wasn’t there.
AMELIA: I think so. It had gotten better in the final decades of the country, I think. But America broke up before they could overcome it completely.
From off to the right comes the sound of galloping hooves. They see a small group on horseback, stirring up dust as they approach. The horses slow as they come near the three. Ten young white men regard them in silence for a moment. The LEADER guides his horse forward and addresses them.
LEADER: What are you folks doing in Olympia?
NIGEL: Just trying to get across to the train station. We’re traveling to Shiloh.
LEADER: What the hell you want in Shiloh?
Roger speaks somewhat belligerently.
ROGER: That’s our business, isn’t it. Who are you?
LEADER: We’re Guardians. We enforce the law in this state.
ROGER: Anyone pay you? Or do you just take the law into your own hands?
The leader eyes him suspiciously.
LEADER: We’re volunteers. Where are you from?
NIGEL: We’re from England.
ROGER: What if we were black? What would you do?
A note of hostility enters the leader’s voice.
LEADER: Depends on what you were here for. If you were crossing the state, we’d let you through. If you were up to something we didn’t like, we’d deal with you.
Roger’s voice grows testy.
ROGER: What if I don’t like what you do?
There’s a silence.
LEADER: Then you’d have to get me to change. If you’d like to try that, I’ll be happy to oblige you.
They start at each other for a moment. Neither looks away. The leader begins to dismount and Roger does as well. They slowly approach each other, then lunge together and grapple. The leader punches Roger in the chin, stunning him momentarily. Then Roger moves forward and hits the leader with a left, then a roundhouse right. The leader falls to the ground, unconscious. Roger looks down at him. He speaks contemptuously to the leader’s group.
ROGER: Better tend to your comrade. Looks like he needs a bit of help.
The leader’s group watches Roger mount his horse. They watch the three slowly ride away.
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Dave Holloway’s Act 2 TP – Midpoint
What I learned doing this assignment is that, when writing a first draft of only 20 percent quality, it frees my imagination up to consider different scenarios.
OUTLINE – Key Scene 4
BEGINNING: Nigel and Roger are on a train in the Estate, heading toward Shiloh. Nigel receives a phone call.
MIDDLE: Livia tells him how difficult it will be to reach her, as Shiloh probably has his photograph, and will broadcast it throughout the state. She also says there is a 15-foot wall around Shiloh.
END: Livia tells him she has seven days until her execution. Nigel swears to her that he was rescue her. The call ends, and he hangs his head in despair.
KEY SCENE 4: THE MIDPOINT
INT. TRAIN – DAY
Nigel and Roger have caught a train in The Estate, and are heading toward Shiloh. Roger is stretched on a bench-seat, asleep. Nigel is stretched out across from him, almost asleep. His phone signals an incoming call. He looks at it and straightens up immediately as he sees it is Livia. He takes the call.
NIGEL: Livia, it’s wonderful to see your face. I’ve been so worried about you. How are you?
LIVIA: I’m all right, dearest. I’ve only a couple minutes to talk. This phone has been passed to me by one of the guards with whom I’ve become friends.
NIGEL: Roger and I are coming to you! We were flying to Los Angeles, but the plane was forced to land in New York. It’s been difficult since then, but we’ve made it to the Estate, and the train we’re on will take us to the eastern border of Shiloh!
LIVIA: I’m so glad to hear that, Nigel. It’s wonderful you have Roger with you. But I must tell you something. Shiloh knows who you are. When I made my first call to you last week, I didn’t realize there were hidden instruments in my cell to record sound. So they know you’re my husband, and I’m sure they believe you’ll try to rescue me.
NIGEL: Do they know what I look like?
LIVIA: I believe so. It’s so easy to get photos of anyone in any country that keeps track of people. And I’ve been told – when anyone enters Shiloh, they photograph them without their knowing. And when they have your photograph, I imagine they’ll put it on the tele-boards they have here, as well as on the video screens everyone has in their homes.
NIGEL: How hard is it to enter the state?.
LIVIA: I’ve been told there’s a 15-foot wall all around Shiloh. And armed guards are stationed at intervals behind the wall. They’re mostly trying to stop all the people who want to leave the state. Not many try to get in.
NIGEL: Fascist regimes always have soft spots. And they always have people ready to rise up against them somehow. That damned wall won’t stop us.
LIVIA: Nigel, I hate to tell you thus – but I’ve been told I have only seven days before I’m executed.
Nigel is shocked.
NIGEL: We will save you, Livia. I promise you.
LIVIA: Thank you, Nigel. And now I must go. Good-bye.
NIGEL: Just hold on, dear. I’ll see you very soon.
Livia’s image disappears from the screen of Nigel’s phone. For a moment, Nigel hangs his head in despair.
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Dave Holloway’s Act 2 Middle Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is that the fast writing technique does encourage more experimentation with new idea for scenes that might lead the script in good directions.
OUTLINE – SCENE 2
BEGINNING: Nigel and Roger reach the Native-American state, Tribal Nations. They are informed by a Native man there that some Natives completely reject the “white ways” because they were brought about by people who committed genocide against Native people, and because they also devastated the earth, water and air. Some Natives accept some of the “white ways”, and live in houses, in towns, drive cars, etc. However, there is no road all the ways across the Native state, so they will have to go overland.
MIDDLE: They buy two horses and throw away their suitcases and some of their luggage. Then they hire a young woman, AMELIA, 24, to serve as their guide to get across the state as quickly as possible. They start off on the horses. When they encounter a Native village, Amelia says they should try to buy one of their canoes to get across the state faster. She speaks to a Native woman in the village, and buys one of the canoes.
END: They drift downriver in the canoe through beautiful country. Then the current grows faster, and they find themselves in rapids. The canoe goes over a submerged rock and spills them into the river.
OUTLINE – SCENE 3
BEGINNING: They’re hiking now, and as they move toward the border with The Estate, they see a battle between Natives and whites. Amelia tells them two of the families in The Estate have hired a private army to invade Tribal Nations and try to capture some of its land, to be used as grazing land for their vast herds of cattle.
MIDDLE: They near the battle, fascinated. Roger is particularly excited. They see men on both sides get shot and fall. Suddenly, a stray bullet from the fight hits Nigel in the shoulder, and he goes down. Nigel is still conscious, but quite scared.
END: Amelia pulls out her first-aid supplies and cleans and dresses Nigel’s wound. The bullet went all the way through his shoulder, and Nigel is relieved to know he’ll be okay.
SCENE 2
Nigel and Roger approach a small, wooden building with the words ‘Tribal Nations’ placed above the front door. They enter and find a tall, NATIVE MAN inside. He rises from his desk and approaches them. His voice is deep and solid.
NATIVE MAN: Can I help you gentlemen?
ROGER: We were hoping to cross the Tribal Nations state, sir.
He’s quiet for a moment.
NATIVE MAN: You’ll have to go by horse. Or on foot.
Nigel and Roger look at each other.
NIGEL: There are no roads?
An edge of anger and bitterness enters the Native Man’s voice.
NATIVE MAN: Roads and automobiles were brought here by the whites. They destroyed the the land. And poisoned the air. Many decided to return to the old ways. The whites brought nothing but sorrow.
ROGER: So there are no modern – conveniences?
NATIVE MAN: Some of the tribes kept the new ways. They live in houses with electricity. They have cars and roads in the local area. But there are no roads across the state. And no trains.
Roger and Nigel look at each other.
NIGEL: Where can we get horses?
NATIVE MAN: A man will sell you horses. Fifty yards up on the right.
There’s silence for several seconds.
NIGEL: Thank you, sir.
EXT. OPEN COUNTRY – DAY
They ride along, and see a number of teepees along the river up ahead. There are canoes along the shore. Amelia speaks softly.
AMELIA: We could get across the state a lot quicker traveling on the river. Wouldn’t have to stop for sleep or food – for us or the horses. Let’s get off, and I’ll talk to these people.
They dismount, and approach the village. Amelia sees a young woman outside a teepee and speaks to her in an Indian dialect. She returns to Nigel and Roger.
AMELIA: She says 50 dollars for a canoe.
Nigel and Roger reach into their pockets, pull out the money and hand it to her.
Amelia hands the money to the Native woman.
EXT. OPEN RIVER – DAY
Nigel sits in the front of the canoe, Amelia in the middle, and Roger at the back. They pass through beautiful, forested country. A new sound arises from the river.
NIGEL: What’s that, then?
AMELIA: Oh my God. I think I know.
They round a bend in the river and see white water ahead. The current grows faster, and they try to paddle the canoe off to the side, but they can’t overcome it. Soon the canoe is rolling and bucking in the rapids, its path and speed controlled by the water.
AMELIA: Hang on! Try to stay with the canoe!
The ride over a submerged boulder and as the canoe dives down the other side, it twists and spills them into the water.
SCENE 3
The three hike along in an open field. They begin to hear what sound like shots up ahead of them.
NIGEL: Is that gunfire?
AMELIA: I think so. We’d better get into the trees.
They walk quickly toward a grove 50 yards to their left. Once inside, they continue walking forward.
AMELIA: I’ve heard rumors the owners of The Estate have hired a private army and are trying to take some of the tribes’ land.
ROGER: What’s the Estate?
AMELIA: The next state to the west. It’s owned by four families that were some of the richest in America, when it still existed. A couple of them want more land to graze their herds of tens of thousands of cattle. Looks like they might be trying to take it from the tribes.
NIGEL; All that money, and they’re still trying to steal from others to get more. Unbelievable.
Roger: Greedy bastards.
They near the battle, until they are only 50 yards from it. They see men on both sides get hit and fall. A bullet hits Nigel in the shoulder and knocks him down. Roger and Amelia surround him.
ROGER: All right, mate?
NIGEL: Think I’ve been shot.
There is bloody seeping through his shirt from the shoulder. Amelia digs into her pack and pulls out a first-aid kit. She opens it, takes out a wad of cotton, holds it to the top of a bottle and upends the bottle, letting liquid seep into the cotton. She opens Nigel’s shirt and finds the wound in the shoulder.
AMELIA: Grit your teeth, Nigel. This is gonna sting.
She places the cotton against the wound. Nigel grimaces and groans for a moment. After several seconds, she takes the cotton away. She takes a bandage and places it over the wound, then stretches two strips of tape across it to fix it in place. She gently turns Nigel’s torso partway around and looks at his back.
AMELIA: The bullet went all the way through. That’s a lucky break. The wound in your back isn’t as bad. Grit your teeth again.
Nigel braces himself, then grimaces quickly as she applies the antiseptic to the wound in his back.
NIGEL: Well done, Amelia. I’m grateful.
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Dave Holloway’s Act 2 Reaction to TP 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s good to concentrate on the most important, dramatic scenes and to try to minimize the length of less important scenes.
OUTLINE OF SCENE
BEGINNING: Nigel and Roger decide to take a bus across the state of Commerce.
DEND: With Roger’s help, the man and his bodyguards subdue the police and leave them on the side of the road. They get back on the bus, which heads down the road again.
Nigel and Roger board the bus, parked along a sidewalk outside the airport. The interior of the bus is grimy, and the seat cushions are ragged. They take two seats near the center aisle.
They are shocked by what they see. There were people begging at the airport, and as the bus begins driving, they see an enormous amount of pollution. Beside a factory is a pond that looks poisonous. The land is covered by little but scrub brush. A MAN sitting across the aisle from them strikes up a conversation.
MAN: What you fellas from?
ROGER: We’re from England. We’re hoping to get to Shiloh as quickly as possible.
MAN: Shiloh – that’s a rough place. Watch out for yourselves there.
NIGEL: There seems to be quite a bit of poverty here. We’ve already seen quite a few people begging.
MAN: That’s because of the Owners. They take almost everything for themselves, and leave the scraps for the rest of us.
NIGEL: Who are the Owners?
MAN: The business people. They run the state. The only reason they keep us alive is to keep the factories and plants running.
NIGEL: Can nothing be done to help the workers?
The man lowers his voice and speaks confidentially.
MAN: We’re trying.
He pulls the sleeve of his shirt up above the right arm, exposing a red tattoo of the letter ‘W’ near the inside of his elbow.
MAN: The ‘W” is for the Workers – our underground movement. We’re trying to overthrow the Owners’ government.
They pass a billboard along the highway. It shows a video of a man being captured and handcuffed by two police. A headline announces: “Ben Sharp caught!”
MAN: Dammit! They caught Ben. He’s one of our leaders. He’d outfoxed them for three years, but the sons of bitches caught him.
ROGER: What did he do?
The man gives a half-smile.
MAN: Everything. He taught workers how to make homemade bombs, how to disable factory machinery, how to organize, establish a warning system to track the police. He was essential.
NIGEL: What will happen to him?
MAN: They’ll give him at least 20 years. Good chance he’ll be killed in prison. That’s what happens to a lot of our most important leaders. The bastards have him killed and make it look like an escape attempt.
Nigel sees a police car, its lights flashing, speed ahead of the bus. The car slows, making the bus slow and stop on the side of the road.
MAN: Shit!
He turns to two rough-looking men sitting near him.
MAN: You guys ready?
The two men nod.
A policeman bangs on the door of the bus. The driver opens it, and three cops climb aboard and move down the center aisle. One COP sees the man and shouts.
COP: O’Keefe! Hands behind your head!
The man and the two rought-looking men stand. The police come forward and soon the man and his two bodyguards are exchanging punches with them in the aisle. One cop gets past the two bodyguards and nears the man, but Roger stands and punches him in the face and the man falls, unconscious. The other two bodyguards subdue the two other cops.
MAN: Let’s get them off the bus.
He drags the unconscious cop up the aisle. The two bodyguards use the cops’ handcuffs to tie them up, then lead them down the aisle. They bring them out of the bus and place the unconscious man near the shoulder of the road. They take the guns from all three cops.
MAN: Let’s get out of here!
They hurry back up onto the bus, and the driver immediately pulls the bus back out into traffic. The man calls to the driver.
MAN: Thanks, Jimmy.
The driver gives him a thumbs up, and the bus gains speed on the highway.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by
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Dave Holloway’s Finished Act 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that, using the speed-writing techniques, it is possible to write a ‘rough’ draft of a first act in less time than I would have thought.
INT COURTROOM – DAY
NIGEL THOMPSON gives a passionate closing argument in court. He is 25, with the wholesome, healthy appearance of someone raised in a comfortable home. He is naturally articulate as he argues his case, and there is a note of genuine passion in his voice.
He faces the jury of 12 men and women, imploring them.
NIGEL
Ladies and gentlemen, my client has worked full-time since the age of 16. When her child was two years old, the father deserted the family, abandoning all his duty of support. But she never applied for public assistance, as was her right. She continued to work to support her daughter, and to raise her as well as she could. But now the city’s department of child welfare is asking you to take her daughter away from her. But you’ve seen how she loves her child. You’ve seen the child testify that she wants to stay with her mother. Don’t let the unfounded speculations of government bureaucrats –
The prosecutor rises and speaks angrily.
PROSECUTOR
Objection, your honor. The opinions offered by the employee of child welfare were founded on close investigation of the case, not unfounded speculation.
The judge answers reprovingly.
JUDGE
Sustained. No grounds were shown upon which to slander the case worker.
Nigel bows his head for a moment. But the passion in his voice is undimmed.
NIGEL
Don’t let the opinions of outsiders to the family overrule the heartfelt desire of the two people involved to remain together. The purpose of our legal system is to effect justice. Today, you have the opportunity to do just that.
There is silence in the courtroom. Nigel returns to the counsel’s table and sits down T the woman who is his client. For several moments he sits quietly, recovering from his emotion.
INT. PRISON – DAY
LIVIA sits in a chair in front of the warden’s desk. She wears a gray prison uniform. She is 25, an attractive, young woman who looks harried by her confinement. The WARDEN is 45, a strongly-built man of medium height with black hair and a neatly-trimmed mustache. There is an edge of derision in his voice, verging on contempt. A guard stands behind Livia.
WARDEN: Why were you spying on our state?
LIVIA: I was not spying. I’m a journalist in Britain, sent here by my employer to report on social and political conditions in some of the American states.
WARDEN: You were observed speaking to several people who are known or suspected to be enemies of the state of Shiloh. What were you talking about?
LIVIA: I asked a number of citizens what they thought of living in this state. I had no idea of the backgrounds of any of them.
WARDEN: Shiloh is a military state. We do not tolerate outsiders coming here, whether it’s to spy on us or to give false notions of our state to people in other countries.
LIVIA: I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m a journalist, sent here to report on the conditions of life.
WARDEN: Anything you ‘reported’ would be biased, as a result of your preconceived notions about this state and your desire to communicate your prejudice to others.
Livia grows annoyed.
LIVIA: I was sent here to report truthfully on this state, not to pass on any biased views, regardless of what you may think.
The warden is annoyed and irritated. He speaks sharply to the guard.
WARDEN: Take her back to her cell.
The guard rises, places one hand on Livia’s left shoulder, and the two of them walk out of the office.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Nigel walks toward the elevator in his office building. He looks tired. CHARLES CARROWAY, HAROLD PRESTWICK, and MAGGIE STEPHENS approach him.
CARROWAY: Fancy a pint, Nigel? We’re headed to the local to unburden ourselves of the day’s woes.
NIGEL: Sorry, but I can’t, Charles. Want to get home in case my wife tries to get in touch.
PRESTWICK: You two taking separate vacations already?
NIGEL: No, she’s over in North America, reporting on some of the states over there. Educating people on how badly the Americans have managed to bollocks things.
CARROWAY: You living the good bachelor life while she’s away?
STEPHENS: Come off it, Charles.
CARROWAY: The man deserves a break after three years of marriage.
NIGEL: Someday you’ll envy me my marriage, Charles. After your mail-order bride divorces you.
They laugh and step into the elevator.
PRESTWICK: It is a bit sad to see a fine young stallion’s spirit broken.
NIGEL: Licentious promiscuity will eventually be the downfall of this country.
They laugh again and get out of the elevator.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Nigel arrives home, looking tired and somewhat depressed. His cat walks up to him.
NIGEL: There, Summer, I expect you’re hungry, aren’t you.
He opens up a cabinet, selects a can, and empties it into the cat’s dish. He sets it down, and the cat begins eating hungrily.
NIGEL; Isn’t easy being here alone all day, I fancy. You have it worse than I do. At least I see people at the office. Though I’m lonely when I’m here.
From the living room comes the sound of an incoming SKYPE call. Nigel hurries into the living room and presses a key on a computer that rests on a coffee table. Livia’s face appears on the screen.
NIGEL: My God, darling, it’s so wonderful to see you.
Livia gives a pained smile. She looks tired and emotionally worn down. She speaks softly, appearing afraid of being overheard.
LIVIA: I’m happy to see you, too, Nigel. But I’ve only a few moments to talk. And I’m afraid I don’t have very good news.
NIGEL: What is it?
She almost breaks down, then collects herself.
LIVIA: I’m in Shiloh, the military state. I’ve been arrested for spying.
NIGEL: How can they do that? Haven’t you told them you’re a journalist.
LIVIA: I did, but they don’t want to listen.
Her voice lowers.
LIVIA: This is a horrible place, Nigel. I think they’re afraid of outsiders finding out what it’s really like, and that’s why they arrested me.
NIGEL: Darling, can you get out? Surely your employer can call them and assure them you’re not a spy.
LIVIA: They’re not open to persuasion, dear. This is a police state. And Nigel – they’re executing some of the prisoners here.
NIGEL: What for, Livia?
LIVIA: Most of them were imprisoned because they’re against the Shiloh government. After they have them here for a few weeks, they execute them.
Nigel is silent for a moment, horrified.
NIGEL: Is there anyone you can appeal to, Livia? Any of your journalist colleagues? Can you go to the press there?
LIVIA: They’re separated me from everyone I know here. And I’ve heard the press is totally controlled by the government. Nigel, you’ve got to do something. Go to our government, or to the press. Let people know what is happening. If there’s a strong enough public appeal, maybe the government can do something.
NIGEL: I will, Livia.
LIVIA: Please hurry, Nigel. I’ve already been here for three days, and I’ve heard they often execute people after two or three weeks.
NIGEL: I’ll do everything I can. Please hang on, darling. Somehow, we’ll get you out of there.
LIVIA: Thank you, dear. And now I must go. I love you.
NIGEL: I love you too, Livia.
Her face disappears from the screen.
EXT. RUGBY PITCH – DAY
Nigel stands along the sidelines as a rugby game is played. He watches a broad-shouldered young man take the ball and crash through a tackler into the goal-line area for a “try.” Nigel applauds.
NIGEL: Well done, Rog! That’s the stuff!
The game resumes, and Rog gets the ball and runs up the sidelines until an opposing player launches himself into him from the side and knocks him sprawling out of bounds, just ten feet from where Nigel stands.
NIGEL: It’s all right, mate! Back on your feet!
Roger recognizes Nigel’s voice and gives him a brief grin as he gets up and runs back onto the field.
EXT. RUGY PITCH – DAY
The game ends, and the players shake hands and walk off the field. Nigel catches up to Roger.
NIGEL: Well played, Rog. Nice to see you lads demolish another opponent.
Roger smiles.
ROGER: Got a bit demolished on that tackle where I ended up near you.
Nigel smiles.
NIGEL: Nothing to worry about. See you at the pub.
Roger walks off the field with the other players, heading toward the dressing room.
INT. PUB – NIGHT
Nigel and Roger sit in the pub, drinking beers.
NIGEL: I can’t believe it, Rog. I spent all day today trying to get an interview with the government, and talking to the press. I’m going on “Britain Today” in two days time.
ROGER: “Britain Today” is watched by tens of millions every night. That should stir something up.
NIGEL: There’s going to be an article tomorrow in the London Times. The government said they’d tell me tomorrow when I can get an interview with them.
Roger hangs his head.
ROGER: It’s terrible, mate. I never knew Shiloh was such a rotten place. Sounds like some third-world dictatorship.
Nigel sighs.
NIGEL: Worst part is, I don’t think any of those steps are going to help. When was the last time a dictatorship gave a damn about reason or an appeal to decency.
He takes a sip of beer.
NIGEL: I think I’ll have to go over there. Try to free her by myself, somehow.
ROGER: How will you do that, Nigel?
NIGEL: No bloody idea. Just try to raise holy hell, and see if I can get help from someone there, or from another country, if they hear about it.
Roger is quiet for a moment.
ROGER: If you do go, mind if I come along?
Nigel looks at him in surprise.
NIGEL: Sure, Rog. It would be great to have some support.
ROGER: Bloody military state won’t stand a chance against two stout, young English lads.
NIGEL: Cheers, mate.
They touch glasses in a toast.
NIGEL: Have no idea what we’ll face over there. But I’ll do whatever I can to save her from those bastards.
They fall silent.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Nigel and Roger walk down the aisle of the plane and find their seats. They look at each other.
NIGEL: How do you feel, mate? My stomach’s in knots.
ROGER: Still pissed that the Prime Minister couldn’t help. I didn’t vote for that sod, but he’s turned out to be more worthless than even I thought.
NIGEL: Yeah, not wanting to jeopardize trade relations over there was a pathetic excuse.
ROGER: Public should demand medical evidence that he possesses even one testicle.
The plane rushes down the runway and lifts up into the air.
NIGEL: No going back, now.
ROGER: Bastards can’t kidnap an English citizen and hold her on false charges. It would become an international incident. The PM might lack balls, but the English people don’t. We’ll show them they’d be better off to let her go.
NIGEL: She got through to me from the prison. Which means we can communicate with England once we’re there. We’ll tell the bloody press what they’re doing, and the story will be in every paper in Britain. Then other countries will pick it up.
ROGER: You’re a damn good lawyer. Perhaps you can free her with some sort of legal action.
NIGEL: I doubt it, Rog. In fascist states, the courts are generally there for show.
The pilot’s voice comes over the intercom into the cabin.
PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen, the states along the East Coast of North America have just declared their air space inviolate. We have been ordered to land in New York. Any passengers wishing to return to London will receive free tickets. We sincerely apologize for this misfortune.
Nigel and Roger look at each other, astonished.
NIGEL: That’s a kick in the teeth.
Roger gazes out the windows on the left side of the plane.
ROGER: Appears we’ve got company. And it looks rather serious.
Nigel looks across at the windows and sees a fighter jet flying alongside their plane.
NIGEL: I’ll be damned. Guess he’s making sure we follow directions.
They feel the plane start to descend.
ROGER: How in hell do we cross the goddamned continent, now?
NIGEL: My God – Livia said she might only have two weeks left in that prison.
Nigel appears utterly crestfallen.
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Dave Holloway’s Turning Point 1 Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is to increase the intensity and the finality of the protagonist’s actions in a scene that he cannot undo.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
BEGINNING: Nigel and Roger walk on board the plane that will take them from London to Los Angeles, where Nigel will try to rescue Livia.
MIDDLE: During the first half of the flight, they criticize Britain’s Prime Minister, who had declared himself unable to help Nigel, and discuss what steps they might be able to take to free Livia: an appeal, if possible, to the world’s nations; a legal challenge; help from others in Shiloh; or criminal actions to get her out of the prison.
END: The pilot announces that the nation-states along the East Coast have declared their air space inviolate, and the plane will thus have to land in New York. As they approach New York, they notices a fighter jet flying beside their plane, which has been sent to ensure they do not cross into the air space of the eastern states. The plane lands in New York.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Nigel and Roger walk down the aisle of the plane and find their seats. They look at each other.
NIGEL: How do you feel, mate? My stomach’s in knots.
ROGER: Still pissed that the Prime Minister couldn’t help. I didn’t vote for that sod, but he’s turned out to be more worthless than even I thought.
NIGEL: Yeah, not wanting to jeopardize trade relations was a pathetic excuse.
ROGER: Public should demand medical evidence that he possesses even one testicle.
The plane rushes down the runway and lifts up into the air.
NIGEL: No going back, now.
ROGER: Bastards can’t kidnap an English citizen and hold her on false charges. It would become an international incident. The PM might lack balls, but the English people don’t. We’ll show them they’d be better off to let her go.
NIGEL: She got through to me from the prison. Which means we can communicate with England once we’re there. We’ll tell the bloody press what they’re doing, and the story will be in every paper in Britain. Then other countries will pick it up.
ROGER: You’re a damn good lawyer. Might be able to free her with some sort of legal action.
NIGEL: I doubt it, Rog. In fascist states, the courts are generally there for show.
The pilot’s voice comes over the intercom into the cabin.
PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen, the states along the East Coast of North America have just declared their air space inviolate. We have been ordered to land in New York. Any passengers wishing to return to London will receive free tickets. We sincerely apologize for this misfortune.
Nigel and Roger look at each other, astonished.
NIGEL: That’s a kick in the teeth.
Roger gazes out the windows on the left side of the plane.
ROGER: Appears we’ve got company. And it looks rather serious.
Nigel looks across at the windows and sees a fighter jet flying alongside their plane.
NIGEL: I’ll be damned. Looks like he’s making sure we follow directions.
They feel the plane start to descend.
ROGER: How in hell do we cross the goddamned continent, now?
NIGEL: My God – Livia said she might only have two weeks left in that prison.
Nigel appears utterly crestfallen.
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Dave Holloway’s Inciting Incident
What I learned doing this assignment is that looking at the scene objectively as an inciting incident allowed me to write a better, more interesting scene than I would have if I hadn’t realized the importance and the qualities of the inciting incident.
INT. NIGEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Beginning: Nigel is sitting at home doing mundane chores when a SKYPE call comes in. He rushes to answer it.
Middle: It is Livia, calling from the prison in Shiloh, where she has been incarcerated. She tells Nigel she’s been imprisoned on false charges, and numerous other prisoners are being executed. She’s very frightened.
End: Nigel promises to do anything he can to help free her.
REACTION TO THE INCITING INCIDENT
INT. PUB – NIGHT
1. Nigel and his best friend, Roger, sit in a pub, drinking beers.
2. Nigel tells Roger about Livia’s call, and confesses how worried he is. He was unable to sleep the previous night after receiving the call. He’s unsure how to go about obtaining her release. Worse, he’s worried he only has a short time to do it, before she is put to death.
3. The two agree that an appeal to the Prime Minister is the best plan. They hope that, since Livia is a British citizen subjected to brutal treatment in a foreign country, the English government will be motivated to help her.
INCITING INCIDENT
INT. HOME – NIGHT
Nigel arrives home, looking tired and somewhat depressed. His cat walks up to him.
NIGEL: There, Summer, I expect you’re hungry, aren’t you.
He opens up a cabinet, selects a can, and empties it into the cat’s dish. He sets it down, and the cat begins eating hungrily.
NIGEL; Isn’t easy being here alone all day, I fancy. You have it worse than I do. At least I see people at the office. Though I’m lonely when I’m here.
From the living room comes the sound of an incoming SKYPE call. Nigel hurries into the living room and presses a key on a computer that rests on a coffee table. Livia’s face appears on the screen.
NIGEL: My God, darling, it’s so wonderful to see you.
Livia gives a pained smile. She looks tired and emotionally worn down.
LIVIA: I’m happy to see you, too, Nigel. But I don’t have very good news.
NIGEL: What is it?
She almost breaks down, then collects herself.
LIVIA: I’m in Shiloh, the military state. I’ve been arrested for spying.
NIGEL: How can they do that? Haven’t you told them you’re a journalist.
LIVIA: I did, but they don’t want to listen.
Her voice lowers.
LIVIA: This is a horrible place, Nigel. I think they’re afraid of outsiders finding out what it’s really like, and that’s why they arrested me.
NIGEL: Darling, can you get out? Surely your employer can call them and assure them you’re not a spy.
LIVIA: They’re not open to persuasion, dear. This is a police state. And Nigel – they’re executing some of the prisoners here.
NIGEL: What for, Livia?
LIVIA: Most of them were imprisoned because they’re against the Shiloh government. After they have them here for a few weeks, they execute them.
Nigel is silent for a moment, horrified.
NIGEL: Is there anyone you can appeal to, Livia? Any of your journalist colleagues? Can you go to the press there?
LIVIA: They’re separated me from everyone I know here. And I’ve heard the press is totally controlled by the government. Nigel, you’ve got to do something. Go to our government, or to the press. Let people know what is happening. If there’s a strong enough public appeal, maybe the government can do something.
NIGEL: I will, Livia.
LIVIA: Please hurry, Nigel. I’ve already been here for three days, and I’ve heard they often execute people after two or three weeks.
NIGEL: I’ll do everything I can. Please hang on, darling. Somehow, we’ll get you out of there.
LIVIA: Thank you, dear. And now I must go. I love you.
NIGEL: I love you too, Livia.
Her face disappears from the screen.
INT. PUB – NIGHT
Nigel and Roger sit in the pub, drinking beers.
NIGEL: I can’t believe it, Rog. I spent all day today trying to get an interview with the government, and talking to the press. I’m going on “Britain Today” in two days time.
ROGER: “Britain Today” is watched by tens of millions every night. That should stir something up.
NIGEL: There’s going to be an article tomorrow in the London Times. The government said they’d tell me tomorrow when I can get an interview with them.
Roger hangs his head.
ROGER: It’s terrible, mate. I never knew Shiloh was such a rotten place. Sounds like some third-world dictatorship.
Nigel sighs.
NIGEL: Worst part is, I don’t think any of those steps are going to help. When was the last time a dictatorship listened to reason or an appeal to decency.
He takes a sip of beer.
NIGEL: I think I’ll have to go over there. Try to free her by myself, somehow.
ROGER: How will you do that, Nigel?
NIGEL: Haven’t the bloody faintest idea. Just try to raise holy hell, and see if I can get help from someone there, or from another country, if they hear about it.
Roger is quiet for a moment.
ROGER: If you do go, mind if I came along?
Nigel looks at him in surprise.
NIGEL: Sure, Rog. It would be great to have some support.
ROGER: Bloody military state won’t stand a chance against two stout, young English blokes.
NIGEL: Cheers, mate.
They touch glasses in a toast.
NIGEL: Have no idea what we’ll face over there. But I’ll do whatever I can to save her from those bastards.
They fall silent.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by
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Dave Holloway’s Act 1: Opening Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is that not trying for perfection in writing a scene allows more ideas to emerge for ways the scene can go.
OPENING SCENE
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
BEGINNING: Nigel gives his closing argument in defense of a woman fighting to retain custody of her child
MIDDLE: During the argument, the opposing lawyer objects, and the judge sustains the objection.
END: Nigel finishes his argument and sits beside his climate, emotionally overwrought.
INT COURTROOM – DAY
NIGEL THOMPSON gives a passionate closing argument in court. He is 25, with the wholesome, healthy appearance of someone raised in a comfortable home. He is naturally articulate as he argues his case, and there is a note of genuine passion in his voice.
He faces the jury of 12 men and women, imploring them.
NIGEL
Ladies and gentlemen, my client has worked full-time since the age of 16. When her child was two years old, the father deserted the family, abandoning all his duty of support. But she never applied for public assistance, as was her right. She continued to work to support her daughter, and to raise her as well as she could. But now the city’s department of child welfare is asking you to take her daughter away from her. But you’ve seen how she loves her child. You’ve seen the child testify that she wants to stay with her mother. Don’t let the unfounded speculations of government bureaucrats –
The prosecutor rises and speaks angrily.
PROSECUTOR
Objection, your honor. The opinions offered by the employee of child welfare were founded on close investigation of the case, not unfounded speculation.
The judge answers reprovingly.
JUDGE
Sustained. No grounds were shown upon which to slander the case worker.
Nigel bows his head for a moment. But the passion in his voice is undimmed.
NIGEL
Don’t let the opinions of outsiders to the family overrule the heartfelt desire of the two people involved to remain together. The purpose of our legal system is to effect justice. Today, you have the opportunity to do just that.
There is silence in the courtroom. Nigel returns to the counsel’s table and sits down T the woman who is his client. For several moments he sits quietly, recovering from his emotion.
ANTAGONIST INTRODUCTION
INT. PRISON – DAY
BEGINNING: The warden of the prison interrogates Nigel’s wife, Livia, in his office. Her wrists are handcuffed in front of her, and she looks intimidated. A guard stands several feet behind the chair in which she sits.
MIDDLE: The warden asks her why she was spying in the state of Shiloh, the state they are in. She answers that she was doing her work as a journalist, and is not a spy.
END: Irritated by her insistence that she is only a journalist, he cuts her off dismissively and orders the guard to take her back to her cell. The guard puts his hand on her shoulder and the two of them leave the office.
INT. PRISON – DAY
LIVIA sits in a chair in front of the warden’s desk. She wears a gray prison uniform. She is 25, an attractive, young woman who looks harried by her confinement. The WARDEN is 45, a strongly-built man of medium height with black hair and a neatly-trimmed mustache. There is an edge of derision in his voice, verging on contempt. A guard stands behind Livia.
WARDEN: Why were you spying on our state?
LIVIA: I was not spying. I’m a journalist in Britain, sent here by my employer to report on social and political conditions in some of the American states.
WARDEN: You were observed speaking to several people who are known or suspected to be enemies of the state of Shiloh. What were you talking about?
LIVIA: I asked a number of citizens what they thought of living in this state. I had no idea of the backgrounds of any of them.
WARDEN: Shiloh is a military state. We do not tolerate outsiders coming here, whether it’s to spy on us or to give false notions of our state to people in other countries.
LIVIA: I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m a journalist, sent here to report on the conditions of life.
WARDEN: Anything you ‘reported’ would be biased, as a result of your preconceived notions about this state and your desire to communicate your prejudice to others.
Livia grows annoyed.
LIVIA: I was sent here to report truthfully on this state, not to pass on any biased views, regardless of what you may think.
The warden is annoyed and irritated. He speaks sharply to the guard.
WARDEN: Take her back to her cell.
The guard rises, places one hand on Livia’s left shoulder, and the two of them walk out of the office.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by David Holloway.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by
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Dave Holloway’s Beat Sheet Draft 2
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of exploring the theme throughout the screenplay.
OPENING
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
We see Nigel is court, arguing a case with some passion.
INT. PRISON – DAY
The warden interviews Livia in his office. She has her wrists handcuffed in front of her. A guard stands several feet behind the chair in which she sits. He interrogates Livia, asking why she was spying in the military state of Shiloh. When explains she is only a journalist on assignment to profile some of the North American states. He finally cuts her off dismissively and orders the guard to return her to her cell.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT – Nigel receives a SKYPE call from his wife, Livia, who is a journalist reporting from the independent states that occupy the land where America once was. She reports she has been imprisoned in a military state on the West Coast on a false charge of spying, and that the prison is executing some of its prisoners.
INT. PRIME MINISTER’S RESIDENCE
TE #1 – Nigel meets with a high official in the British government and tries to convince them to intercede with the military state, Shiloh, on his wife’s behalf. He is told Britain has no diplomatic relations with Shiloh, so nothing can be done.
INT. PUB – NIGHT
Nigel tells his best friend, Roger, of Livia’s imprisonment. He says he’s going to Shiloh to try to rescue her. He expresses some fear of venturing alone to a military state to try to obtain a prisoner’s release, but feels there is no choice. Roger volunteers to accompany him, and Nigel agrees.
INT. AIRPLANE – Nigel and Roger take a commercial flight headed to Los Angeles, near the headquarters of Shiloh and the prison where Livia is kept. Roger is enthusiastic about the adventure, while Nigel is filled with worries about it.
INT. PRISON – DAY
The warden has Livia in his office again. He tells her that Shiloh has seen television footage from England of Nigel’s appearance on an English television show, appealing to the audience for any information that might help him secure Livia’s release. He demands that Livia contact Nigel by SKYPE and tell him of her imprisonment and ask if he’ll come to try to free her. He tells her that he will be present when she makes the call.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
TE#2 – As they near the East Coast of North America, the pilot announces that the states on the East Coast have declared their air space inviolate. No plane can cross it, so they will have to land in New York.
INT. AIRPORT – DAY
They walk through the New York airport, and decide to take a bus across the state it’s in, called Commerce. Nigel is very concerned about the change in plans and the additional time it will take to reach Shiloh.
INT. BUS – DAY
TE #3 – On the bus, they meet a man who’s a leader of working-class people in Commerce, who are rising up against the dominance of the management class that runs the state. A police car pulls the bus over and cops get on the bus and try to arrest the labor leader. But he, his bodyguards and Roger fight them off. Nigel watches the fight.
INT. PRISON – DAY
Livia makes the SKYPE call to Nigel, but he doesn’t answer. She records a message to him, telling him of her imprisonment and begging him to rescue her. The warden watches her carefully from behind her.
EXT. ENVIRONMENTAL STATE – DAY
They arrive at the next State, Elysium, and take a taxi across it. The state is very green and beautiful.
EXT. NATIVE-AMERICAN STATE – DAY
They arrive at a Native-American state, Tribal Nations. They cannot cross by car, so they must cross on horseback. They hire a young woman who is a guide in the state and can help them cross as quickly and safely as possible.
EXT. CAMPING SITE – NIGHT
Nigel sees Livia’s SKYPE message. He sends her back a message, telling her he is already traveling to her, and has reached the Tribal Nations. He promises to arrive as quickly as possible.
EXT. RIVERSIDE – DAY
TE #4 – They approach a Native village and see a canoe along a river. Roger suggests they steal it. They get into the canoe and drift past the village in the middle of the river. Only the guide, Amelia, is visible to the Natives they float by.
EXT. CAMPING SPOT – NIGHT
As Roger and Amelia talk, they become more friendly with each other. A spark of attraction develops between them.
INT. PRISON – DAY
The warden has Livia make another SKYPE call to Nigel. This time he answers her. She tells him she fears for her life if he cannot rescue her soon. She tells him to call her as often as possible to update her on his location. He promises to do so. He is obviously very fearful of what will happen to her. He tells her they plan to catch a train in the Western Reserve, which they can take all the way to Shiloh.
EXT. TOWN – DAY
They reach a town in a state with no laws, the Western Reserve, where they can get a train across the state and all the way to Shiloh.
EXT. TRAIN STATION – DAY
They get on the train and find it is full of Native Americans travelling to a town in the Western Reserve to negotiate resolution of a dispute they have with the Western Reserve caused by the Western Reserve’s hunters venturing into the Tribal Nation’s territory to hunt game.
EXT. WESTERN RESERVE – DAY
Nigel and Roger get off the train with four Native Americans they’ve become friendly with on the train. They walk to the appointed location where the two sides will meet and try to resolve the dispute.
EXT. WESTERN RESERVE – DAY
The attempt at resolution fails, and a battle breaks out between the Natives and the Western Reserve people. In the battle, Nigel is shot and wounded in the arm, but one of the Natives tends to his wound. One of the Natives they had grown close to is killed, and they are torn by watching him die.
INT. PRISON – DAY
The warden orders executions to proceed more quickly and plentifully. More citizens are being captured and brought to the prison, and he wants to have empty cells to house them all. He also orders Livia’s meals to be reduced to one per day.
EXT. TRAIN STATION – DAY
As they cross the Western Reserve, the train stops at a station, and they get out for fresh air. There they see posters with their photos on them, offering a $10,000 bounty for their capture, dead or alive. The bounties require them to be taken to Shiloh. Some bounty hunters see them in the station and try to capture them, but the two of them fight the bounty hunters off.
INT. TRAIN – DAY
They leave the Western Reserve, and the train takes them across the Dead Lands, an area that has been so contaminated by pesticides, industrial waste, carbon monoxide and climate change that the whole state is a burnt-out wasteland that has been incinerated by fires.
EXT. SHILOH – DAY
TE #5 – They reach the Shiloh border, and Nigel SKYPES Livia and tell her where they are. She looks thin and unhealthy and he is clear worried about her. She tells him to SKYPE her as soon as they get to Vicksburg.
EXT. SHILOH – DAY
They follow Shiloh’s border wall out into the countryside where they discover a way to climb in. They have to jump down from the 15-foot wall into a river on the other side, not knowing how deep the water is or whether they’ll be hurt or killed. To Roger’s surprise, Nigel insists on jumping first. The water is deep enough, and they are unhurt.
EXT. SHILOH – DAY
TE #6 – They find a road, stop a car traveling on it, order the driver out, and drive away with his car. They eventually get to Vicksburg, the Shiloh capital where Livia is held.
INT. VICKSBURG HOTEL – NIGHT
Livia is able to text them, and tells them her prison lawyer will meet them. The warden is behind her, and has told her what to say.
INT. VICKSBURG RESTAURANT – DAY
The next day, Nigel meets the lawyer in a restaurant and explains that Roger is not there because Nigel didn’t want to expose him to the risk of capture. The lawyer is very fearful, and after checking to see if there are sound detection devices in the restaurant, he tells Nigel in a lowered voice that a plan has been devised by the warden to lure them into a trap, where they will be captured. He tells them Livia doesn’t have much time left before she’ll be executed. He then tells them of a true escape plan he has for her, and of a man he knows who is a pilot and can fly the three of them out of the state. They agree to the plan.
EXT. SHILOH PRISON – DAY
Livia walks with a group of prisoners who are about to be executed. She and her lawyer escape the group, and he drives her to a street corner in Vicksburg, where she meets Roger and Nigel. The lawyer pleads with them to take him with them, because he believes Shiloh authorities know what he’s doing and he feels he’ll be executed if he doesn’t escape. The four of them drive off in his car.
EXT. VICKSBURG STREET – DAY
They drive to the home of a man who is against the military state and sometimes flies others out of the state who want to escape.
INT. PRISON – DAY
The warden has bugged the lawyer’s car and knows where they’re doing. He drives in a prison car to the pilot’s house.
EXT. VICKSBURG NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
TE #7 – He starts his plane, and they are about to take off when the prison warden arrives. Nigel has to fight the man and knocks him unconscious, before getting into the plane.
INT AIRPLANE – DAY
The plane takes off, and they fly toward Mexico City, where they will take a commercial flight to London. They are free.
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Dave Holloway’s High Speed Beat Sheet
What I learned doing this assignment is that laying out the structure of the story gives me a clearer view of the weak spots in it before I do a huge amount of work on something that I’ll end up having to cut.
OPENING
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
We see Nigel is court, arguing a case with some passion.
INT. HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT – Nigel receives a SKYPE call from his wife, Livia, who is a journalist reporting from the independent states that occupy the land where America once was. She reports she has been imprisoned in a military state on the West Coast on a false charge of spying, and that the prison is executing some of its prisoners.
INT. PRIME MINISTER’S RESIDENCE
TE #1 – Nigel meets with a high official in the British government and tries to convince them to intercede with the military state, Shiloh, on his wife’s behalf. He is told Britain has no diplomatic relations with Shiloh, so nothing can be done.
INT. PUB – NIGHT
Nigel tells his best friend, Roger, of Livia’s imprisonment. He says he’s going to Shiloh to try to rescue her. Roger volunteers to accompany him, and Nigel agrees.
INT. AIRPLANE – Nigel and Roger take a commercial flight headed to Los Angeles, near the headquarters of Shiloh and the prison where Livia is kept.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
TE#2 – As they near the East Coast of North America, the pilot announces that the states on the East Coast have declared their air space inviolate. No plane can cross it, so they will have to land in New York.
INT. AIRPORT – DAY
They walk through the New York airport, and decide to take a bus across the state it’s in, called Commerce.
INT. BUS – DAY
TE #3 – On the bus, they meet a man who’s a leader of working-class people in Commerce, who are rising up against the dominance of the management class that runs the state. A police car pulls the bus over and cops get on the bus and try to arrest the labor leader. But he, his bodyguards and Roger fight them off.
EXT. ENVIRONMENTAL STATE – DAY
They arrive at the next State, Elysium, and take a tax across it. The state is very green and beautiful.
EXT. NATIVE-AMERICAN STATE – DAY
They arrive at a Native-American stated, Tribal Nations. They cannot cross by car, so they must begin to hike. They hire a young woman who is a guide in the state and can help them cross as quickly and safely as possible.
EXT. RIVERSIDE – DAY
TE #4 – They approach a Native village and see a canoe along a river. They get into the canoe and drift past the village in the middle of the river. Only the guide, Amelia, is visible to the Natives they float by.
EXT. CAMPING SPOT – NIGHT
As Roger and Amelia talk, they become more friendly with each other. A spark of attraction develops between them.
EXT. TOWN – DAY
They reach a town in a state with no laws, the Western Reserve, where they can get a train across the state and all the way to Shiloh.
EXT. TRAIN STATION – DAY
As they cross the Western Reserve, the train stops at a station, and they get out for fresh air. There they see posters with their photos on them, offering a $10,000 bounty for their capture, dead or alive. Some bounty hunters see them in the station and try to capture them, but the two of them fight the bounty hunters off.
INT. TRAIN – DAY
They leave the Western Reserve, and the train takes them across the Dead Lands, an area that has been so contaminated by pesticides, industrial waste, carbon monoxide and climate change that the whole state is a burnt-out wasteland that has been incinerated by fires.
EXT. SHILOH – DAY
TE #5 – They reach the Shiloh border and follow its border wall out into the countryside where they discover a way to climb in. They have to jump down from the 15-foot wall into a river on the other side, not knowing how deep the water is or whether they’ll be hurt or killed. But the water is deep enough, and they are unhurt.
EXT. SHILOH – DAY
TE #6 – They find a road, stop a car traveling on it, order the driver out, and drive away with his car. They eventually get to Vicksburg, the Shiloh capital where Livia is held.
INT. VICKSBURG HOTEL – NIGHT
Livia is able to text them, and tells them her prison lawyer will meet them.
INT. VICKSBURG RESTAURANT – DAY
The next day, they meet the lawyer in a restaurant. He tells them of a plan for Livia to escape, and they agree to it.
EXT. SHILOH PRISON – DAY
Livia walks with a group of prisoners who are about to be executed. She and her lawyer escape the group, and he drives her to a street corner in Vicksburg, where she meets Roger and Nigel. The lawyer gets out and allows them to keep his car.
EXT. VICKSBURG STREET – DAY
They drive to the home of a man who is against the military state and sometimes flies others out of the state who want to escape.
EXT. VICKSBURG NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
TE #7 – He starts his plane, and they are about to take off when the prison warden arrives in a police car. Nigel engages in a fight with the man and overcomes him. He gets into the plane.
INT AIRPLANE – DAY
The plane takes off, and they fly toward Mexico City, where they will take a commercial flight to London. They are free.
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Dave Holloway’s Transformational Events
What I learned doing this assignment is that defining the transformational events ahead of writing the story allows me to brainstorm a number of such events and choose the ones that seem most effective and dramatic
Old Ways: Not confident, intellectual and immersed in books, somewhat afraid of venturing outside his protected, comfortable life.
New Ways: Confident, open to new experience, more interested in physical adventures, feeling much more positive about himself and enjoying life more.
Changes needed for character to go from Old Ways to New Ways.
1. He must go from the comforts of home, family and home country to being alone.
2. He must travel through a country where he’s a foreigner and unfamiliar with the ways of living there.
3. He must learn to live and survive outdoors: to travel by foot and by canoe, and to sleep outdoors.
4. He must learn to survive violence.
5. He must shed the morals and responsibilities of civilized life to accustom himself to breaking laws to survive.
6. He must learn to risk his life in battle.
7. He must learn to risk his life in the wilderness.
8. He must learn to defeat another man in a physical battle to overcome a brutal, fascist prison system.
Transformational Events
1. Nigel travels from England to the land where America once lay, which has become transformed to a series of independent nation-states. His friend Roger accompanies him.
2. The two voyage through states that are mostly wilderness, to a Native-American state, to a state without laws, and to a military state.
3. Some of the states have reverted to primitive conditions, so they must travel by foot and canoe part of the way, camping outdoors.
4. On a bus through a business state, a fight erupts between police and a workers leader they try to arrest. Roger gets involved in the fight, while Nigel looks on.
5. During the journey, they steal a Native-American canoe, and later a car, to continue across the continent.
6. Nigel and Roger get caught up in a battle between Native Americans and whites trying to illegally hunt animals on Native-American land.
7. Nigel and Roger at one point have to jump from a 15-foot-high wall into a river, not knowing how deep it is, risking serious injury or death.
8. Nigel has to fight the warden of a prison in the military state in order to free his wife from imprisonment and execution.
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Dave Holloway’s 4-Act Transformational Structure
What I learned doing this assignment is that examining the overall structure this way enabled me to identify one or two weaknesses in the structure.
Concept: A young man and his best friend must venture across what was once America, but is now a series of independent nation-states, to reach a military state on the west coast and attempt to free his wife from prison there.
Main Conflict: A young man inexperienced in adventure and physical conflict must engage extensively in both to rescue his wife
Old Ways: Nigel is a 25-year-old English lawyer who is rather intellectual and bookish. His methods of dealing with conflict involve argument, persuasion, reason and compromise – the kinds of abilities he uses in court.
New Ways: Nigel must cross 3,000 miles of a continent, negotiating areas of wilderness, violent civil strife, lawless predators and fascist domination. He must learn to fight physically to survive, and to travel by means unlike the civilized means he has known in England.
Act 1:
Opening: The opening introduces us to Nigel, who is an intelligent young lawyer and skillful courtroom orator. He delivers a closing argument that demonstrates an underlying passion and shade of competitiveness.
Inciting Incident: Nigel receives a SKYPE call from his wife, Livia, a journalist sent by her employer to report on social and political conditions in some of the states of North America. She visited a military state on the west coast, and was imprisoned there on a false charge of spying. She is quite frightened, because she knows prisoners are being executed, and she believes she could be killed within two weeks if someone doesn’t intercede on her behalf.
Turning point: After trying to get the Prime Minister’s assistance, Nigel knows he must fly to the military state to try to obtain Livia’s release. His best friend, Roger, volunteers to accompany him.
Act 2:
New plan: They intend to fly to Los Angeles, which is near the prison where Livia is being held. But as the plane nears the East Coast, the pilot announces the states on the East Coast have declared their airspace inviolate, so the plane will have to land in New York.
Plan in Action: Nigel and Roger arrive in New York, realizing they have to get across the continent as quickly as possible. They take a bus across the first state, a business-centered state called Commerce.
Midpoint Turning Point: Commerce is a state where workers are so oppressed that they are striving to rebel against their corporate masters. The bus they are on is carrying a leader of the workers, so the police stop the bus, and Roger helps the labor leader fight off the police and escape from them. It is clear to Nigel and Roger that the continent they’re trying to cross is in a state of profound disorganization, and crossing it will involve both danger and struggle of a dangerous, physical type Nigel has never experienced..
Act 3
Rethink everything: Nigel and Roger have already learned that some of the states they will have to cross are dangerous and in some cases, impossible to cross by car. They’re under heavy time pressure, as they cannot know how many days Livia has left in the prison. They see they will have to make their way by their wits and utilize any means, including breaking the law, in order to complete the journey to the military state.
New plan: They cross an environmentalist state, then cross a Native-American state by canoe. They get to the next state, where they believe they can cross the rest of the way to the West Coast by train. They feel encouraged by the relatively swift passage on the train.
Turning Point: They learn the train stops at the eastern border of the military state, and they will have to travel by car across the state to the prison. This will cost them time. But they force a car to stop on a road, force the driver out and drive away in his car.
Huge failure/Major shift: They arrive in the military state, and get word to Livia in the prison. She replies that her execution could occur at any day. They must free her as soon as possible from the seemingly impregnable prison and the three of them must somehow escape the military state to return to England.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Livia has a lawyer in the prison who is assigned to her case. He arranges for her to escape from the prison and to meet Nigel and Roger at a prearranged spot. They drive in the lawyer’s car to the home of a man who rebels against the military state by smuggling people out who want to escape. As they are about to fly away, the warden shows up in a police car, having learned of their whereabouts by tracking their car. The pilot, Roger and Livia are all in the plane. The warden tries to arrest Nigel, but Nigel succeeds in outfighting him and knocking him out. He joins the others in the plane, and they fly off to freedom in Mexico City, from where they will take a commercial jet back to England.
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Dave Holloway’s Character Interviews
What I learned doing this assignment is that these characters do have things to tell me, and it’s important that I make their messages concrete and lasting by taking them down.
Protagonist Interview
Discuss some of the experiences you feel shaped you?
When I was twelve, I got into a fight on the football field with another fellow after he tackled me too roughly. We began to wrestle with each other, but after a few seconds I stopped fighting and ran away out of fear. I took quite a bit of ribbing about it from my schoolmates. I’ve never totally been able to overcome the feeling of shame from the incident. I think the way my parents raised me also influenced me. My father was a very steady bloke, always got his work done and always provided for my mum and me. He was very even-tempered and rarely got mad. Whenever he had a job to do in the house or the yard, he did it. He was very serious about his responsibilities. When I met Roger, I started to feel better about myself. He’s a rough-and-tumble sort, and I’d thought blokes like that wouldn’t think much of me. But he seemed to like me right away, and we became mates. It was exciting being friends with a chap like that, since his life was quite different from mine. And it made me feel good that he saw me as an equal.
What is your biggest secret?
The first time I asked Livia to marry me, she said she wasn’t sure and needed time to think about it. I was taken aback, as we’d gone together for two years and she’d told me she loved me. When she put me off, I saw that I hadn’t seen her feelings accurately. I never told anyone she said that, because it was too embarrassing. I have to admit I feel a bit resentful of her since, because it was such a shock to my system. When she said yes when I asked her the second time, it healed the wound a bit. But I still remember vividly the way she said she wasn’t sure and the way it made me feel.
What are you most afraid will happen on this journey?
I think it’s that a time may come when I’m faced with a situation and can’t find the courage to get through it. If that happened, and it caused me to fail to rescue Livia, I’m not sure I could go on living. It’s easier to think about being killed trying to succeed than to consider myself backing down from a challenge during the journey.
How would it feel to rescue her?
The most wonderful feeling in the world. Marrying her gave me a happiness I’d never known before. But since she was taken prisoner, it’s been an agony to think I might not see her again. I can’t visualize what that would be like, but the thought is with me every waking moment. If I could rescue her, to hold her in my arms again would be the most wonderful feeling I could ever imagine. In that moment, I’d know I was the luckiest bloke in the world.
Antagonist interview
What does being the prison’s warden mean to you?
It means quite a bit. It’s a very important job with a lot of pressure, and a lot depends on it. The most dangerous people in the state are locked up there, and none have ever escaped on my watch. If anyone did escape, it would give encouragement to the people who want to overthrow our government. But if they know imprisonment there is a death sentence, it discourages them from getting too bold. But I also take a lot of pride in running the prison. I have to make sure the guards all do their job, and none of them become susceptible to taking bribes. I have to keep the prisoners from any kind of uprising. I have to make sure that everything goes on as it should each day. And I have to make sure the inmates all know that I’m the boss. It takes a lot of strength to do that, and I’m proud that I can do the job every day.
What’s your deepest fear in your job?
It’s the chance that someone could escape. That would make our whole state look weak and vulnerable. And I’ve promoted the idea that as long as I’m in charge, no escapes will occur. So if there was an escape, I would be embarrassed, and it would give the Rebellion encouragement that they can win. I’m not sure I could live with the reality of an escape.
What is your secret?
When I was 25 and a guard, I raped another guard. I’d asked her out and she turned me down. I was in the office with her late one night, and my anger at her for rejecting me rose up along with my wanting her, and I overpowered her. She reported me to the authorities, and I got a one-year sentence. I did 10 months. As I rose in the prison, I was able to get the record of my crime removed. But there are people still living who remember it, and if one were to speak, it would undermine me. I wouldn’t have the guards’ total respect, and it would increase the chances of some security breach that could lead to an escape.
How would you like people to remember you after you’re gone?
I hope they’d think of me as a strong warden, a strong, courageous man who ran the prison in a tough, uncompromising way, and made sure there was never an escape. Someone who took his job with the utmost seriousness, and was a credit to the steady, safe functioning of the state. Someone who held the line against the Rebellion and never allowed them to gain an advantage over us. Someone who did the hard things that had to be done to ensure security, and never apologized for it, either.
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Dave’s Character Profiles – Part 2
What I learned doing this assignment is that the more I think about the characters, the more aspects of them are revealed.
What draws us to the protagonist: We admire the fact that his love is so strong for his wife that he’ll risk his life and take this daring adventure to rescue her.
Antagonist: We’re drawn to him because his personality is so different from that of the average person that we want to see what he’ll do and whether he’ll be defeated.
Subtext: Nigel’s subtext is that this journey scares him and isn’t the kind of thing he’d ordinarily do, but his love for Livia causes him to take the risk. Also, he has a deep fear that he will fail, and is deathly afraid of lacking necessary courage at some point to succeed in the quest.
Warden’s subtext is that his self-image as a strong, effective overseer of the prison is the most important thing in the world to him. There has never been an escape under his watch, and to allow an escape would be devastating to him.
Nigel’s flaw is that he’s noit naturally courageous or physical. He has always avoided violence and volatile conflict in favor of compromise.
The warden’s flaw is that he sees himself as such a strong and effective ruler of the prison that it is unthinkable that someone will defeat him by escaping.
Nigel’s irony is that he is by natural not adventurous or a person drawn to strong, physical experience, and yet it is necessary to him to face very strong physical adventures to save his wife. He is more an intellectual than a man of action. He’s not a lawbreaker, but the adventure demands that he break laws.
Warden’s irony is that, despite ruling over the prison, he has himself committed crimes in the past, including the rape of a prison guard, for which he served 10 months in prison. Also, despite projecting himself as a strong, ruthless warden, he has a sneaking fear that perhaps he’s not as powerful or effective as he tries to be.
What makes Nigel the right character for his role is that the journey demands he find more courage within himself that he knew was there. He’s not very adventurous, but he is faced with a more hardy adventure than most people ever face.
The warden is the right character because he rules over the prison with uncompromising brutality and thus will be very hard for Nigel to defeat by helping Livia escape from his prison.
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Dave’s Character Profiles – Part 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that thinking about the individual characteristics listed in the lesson for the two characters enabled me to define them more specifically in my mind and make them more rounded.
Protagonist’s role
Nigel is a fighter. He’s not naturally brave, but is motivated by the dilemma of the story to act in more courageous ways than he ever has. He has a tenacity that enables him to succeed.
Antagonist’s role
The antagonist is the warden of a prison where Nigel’s wife is held. He’s an authority – holding power and maintaining control are the uppermost goals for him. He is cold and domineering, and will do virtually anything to ensure his power and control of the inmates and the prison are not broken.
Supporting characters
Nigel’s wife, Livia
Nigel’s best friend, Roger, who accompanies him on the journey
Other inmates and guards at the prison
Various people that help Nigel and Livia
Role in story:
Nigel is Livia’s husband. He must rescue her from a prison in a military state.
The Warden oversees the prison where Livia is held.
Age:
Nigel is 25
Warden is 45
Description:
Nigel is of medium height, with a rather thin body and brown hair.
The warden is of medium height, with black hair, a mustache and a muscular build that results from regular workouts
Nigel’s Inner Journey: Nigel must prove to himself that he will risk his life to rescue Livia. If he falls short from fear, it will be unbearable to him.
External Journey: He must cross the North American continent overland to get to the military state, located in what was once California, to rescue Livia.
Warden’s Inner Journey: His self-esteem rests on his ability to control his prison and its inmates without any escapes or successful inmate revolt.
External Journey: To ensure that Nigel’s quest to free Livia is unsuccessful.
Motivation: Nigel is determined to rescue his wife, who he loves dearly.
Motivation: The warden is motivated to ensure no one escapes the prison to maintain his self-image as a strong, successful warden.
Wound: Nigel’s wound occurred when another boy beat him up at school when he was 12.
Wound: The warden’s wound occurred when there was a successful escape from the prison 10 years before, in which five inmates escape and two guards were killed.
Mission/Agenda: Nigel’s is to cross the country as quickly as possible, rescue Livia and get home with her and Roger to England.
Mission/Agenda: The warden’s is to defeat Nigel and ensure that there are never again escapes from his prison or deaths of his guards.
Secret: Nigel’s secret is that he doesn’t feel confident he’ll be brave and strong enough to succeed in his mission.
Secret: The warden’s secret is that he’s not sure the prison is as impregnable as he’d like it to be, and it’s possible some of his guards might be susceptible to bribes or fear that could enable an escape.
What makes Nigel special: His unusual tenacity, which keeps him going on a very difficult, fearful (at times) journey, and the depth of his love for Cynthia, which motivates him to act with more courage than he would otherwise.
What makes warden special: The fact that he goes to incredible lengths to make sure the prison cannot be escaped from, including bugging the homes of his guards and the inmate’s cells, having video cameras and listening devices throughout the prison, and tracking every new entrant to the military state, to ensure that none have come to help a prisoner escape.
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Name: Dave Holloway
I’ve written three scripts.
I hope to get from this class a clearer idea of what a character arc entails and how to believably write one. I also hope to get an overview of the various elements of a screenplay.
Something unique? I once worked in a factory that made Gerber baby food. I hated every minute of it, and quit the job after one week.
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Dave Holloway’s Transformational Journey
Internal Journey: Nigel begins the story as a somewhat timid, bookish lawyer who has little self-confidence to a more confident young man who realizes he can do many things he wouldn’t have thought himself capable of.
External Journey: Nigel is a 25-year-old lawyer in London whose journalist wife is on assignment in what was formerly America. He learns she has been taken prisoner in a military state on the west coast of North America. He, along with a friend, must travel overland from the east coast to the military state and free her from the prison.
Old Ways: Not confident, intellectual and immersed in books, somewhat afraid of venturing outside his protected, comfortable life.
New Ways: Confident, open to new experience, more interested in physical adventures, feeling much more positive about himself and enjoying life more.
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Sure, Rob, I’d like to exchange. My script is only about 90% finished, but I’ll be glad to send what I have and read yours. My email: dlit@comcast.net
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Sounds good, Lynn.
Dave
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Hi Lynn,
I’d like to read your outline. Mine is a drama, 50 years in the future, about two young Englishmen trying to cross what was once America and has become a number of independent nation-states.
What do you think?
Dave Holloway
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I’m just a typical American mutt, Andrew. But I’ve been to Britain and Scotland and very much admire the people there and the countries they’ve created. Also, how can you be a writer and not respect English and Irish writers. I’ve been lucky enough to see the Cotswolds, the Lake District, and of course London. If you feel like it, I would love to hear your opinion later on about whether I have the two Englishmen talking in an authentic, believable way.