[David Kandel]

David Kandel’s Character Journeys!

This process helped flesh out key plot points and character arcs.

JACK

Beginning: He’s the new guy. Dramatic question: how will he fit into the group?
Turning Point: He’s rejected because he’s not Dick – the man who died. And he’s weird.
Midpoint: Jack breaks out a bottle of bourbon. The men start to like him.
Turning Point 2: Jack reveals he’s an Atheist
Dilemma: Shayla wants Jack to accept Christ. Jack can’t and won’t.
3rd Act Climax: Jack’s dream where he meets his granddaughter.
Ending: Jack has died but provided money to purchase the house.

STAN

Beginning: He’s the Alpha male of the group
Turning Point: He feels threatened by Jack and Frank
Midpoint: Stan is irritated at Jack’s performances, Frank and Ed think they’re great
Turning Point 2: Stan reveals how his wife cheated on him and he is estranged from his daughter.
Dilemma: Stan is also a closeted Atheist, but he will not support Jack. They may lose the house.
3rd Act Climax: Stan is devastated by Jack’s death and his gift
Ending: Stan is reconciled with his daughter

FRANK

Beginning: He is in competition with Stan.
Turning Point: He sucks up with Jack which infuriates Stan.
Midpoint: Frank joins in on Jack’s act which upsets Stan even more
Turning Point 2: Frank is distraught at the thought of moving
Dilemma: Frank’s family can’t take care of him. He doesn’t want to go to a nursing home.
3rd Act Climax: Frank realizes that Jack has made provisions that they can stay in the house
Ending:

ED

Beginning: Ed is distraught at Dick’s death and doesn’t want a new guy.
Turning Point: Ed is conflicted about Jack
Midpoint: Ed is becoming more and more forgetful. He’s suffering from early dementia
Turning Point 2: Ed has a breakdown when he learns he may have to leave.
Dilemma: Ed is a Christian and takes Shayla’s side about converting Jack
3rd Act Climax: Ed prays for Jack’s soul. He’s afraid he’s doomed to hell.
Ending: Ed believes Jack accepted Christ before dying which comforts him.

SHAYLA

Beginning: She’s the lead caretaker, hardworking and committed
Turning Point: She has major conflicts with Bobbie about her terrible work ethic
Midpoint: She objects to Jack’s bringing liquor into the house
Turning Point 2: She loses it when Jack reveals he’s an Atheist. The conflict with Bobbie intensifies
Dilemma: She loses it when she realizes she will lose her job. She tries to convert Jack
3rd Act Climax: Shayla is devastated when Jack dies. She feels resurrected when she learns Jack has provided for their future.
Ending: Shayla and Bobbie start getting along. t

• This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Kandel.

[David Kandel]

David Kandel’s Character Depth!

What I learned: This process led to new conflicts among the characters and opportunities for new plot twists.

Internal Character Depth (Jack De Angelis)
• Motivation: Despite being no longer employable, he wants to be appreciated as a comic actor
• Secret: He has emotional scars that drive him over the top to be a funny man.
• Wound: He lost his daughter to leukemia when she was 8 and lost his wife a year later because of a drunk driver
• Subtext: Aging has been traumatic for him and her is afraid of dying
• Layers: His personal losses and his fears are revealed in layers

Character to character
• Conflict: He reads atheist literature and has lost his faith in God which puts him in direct conflict with Shayla.
• Hidden Agenda: He wants to remain the ultimate entertainer, but subconsciously, he wants his roommates to understand and support his atheism
• Conspiracy: He breaks the rules of the house and pushes the limits of Shayla’s patience
• Intrigue: He has a mystery guest visit him in a dream that changes him dramatically

Character Situation
• Dilemma: Deep in his heart, he knows his time on earth is short. He doesn’t believe in an afterlife. His peers do, which gives them some level of comfort, but not for him.
• Secret Identity: He tries to stifle his atheism

Internal Character Depth (Stan Donaldson)
• Motivation: He believes he’s the smartest guy in the room and he needs to prove it every chance he gets.
• Secret: He’s estranged from his daughter who believes he was responsible for the divorce.
• Wound: His wife left him for their minister, which has left him very bitter
• Subtext: He was once a high-profile prosecutor. He’s been “put out to pasture” which infuriates him.
• Layers: He prides himself as a problem solver but there are no ways to solve the problems of aging and declining health. This frustration is revealed in layers throughout the story.

Character to character
• Conflict: It’s always one-up-man ship among his peers.
• Hidden Agenda: He yearns to have his daughter believe him about the affair her mother had with the minister
• Conspiracy: Stan often conspires with Ed to put Frank down.
• Intrigue: Stan often plots to make Frank look bad

Character Situation
• Dilemma: Stan needs to own up to his own demons before he can reconcile with his daughter and with Frank
• Secret Identity: Stan has always been perceptive, shrewd and intuitive. It served him well in his profession, but he was totally unaware and deceived in his personal life. As a result he is very insecure.

Internal Character Depth (Frank Ringle)
• Motivation: Frank is a retired small trucking company owner. He has a desire to show people that he’s smart.
• Secret: He’s a high school dropout that achieved success despite his lack of formal education.
• Wound: He’s felt disrespected his entire life
• Subtext: He overcompensates for his lack of knowledge and tries too hard to impress
• Layers: Frank was arrested in his youth

Character to character
• Conflict: He and Stan make everything a competition.
• Hidden Agenda: He wants respect and admiration.
• Conspiracy: He tries to team up with Shayla to put Stan down.
• Intrigue: Frank is the last person who would be able to solve the housing emergency faced by all who live in the group home.

Character Situation
• Dilemma: To tell Stan about their mutual past?
• Secret Identity: Frank was arrested in his youth. Stan was the prosecutor in the case. Stan was going for aggravated assault charges (felony) but Frank got off on a simple assault charge (misdemeanor). Stan doesn’t remember the case.

Internal Character Depth (Ed Klein)
• Motivation: Ed wants desperately to hold on to his physical and mental faculties, which are slipping away.
• Secret: He’s a very gullible man who has lost serious money to scammers.
• Wound: He feels inadequate and stupid for being taken for a fool.
• Subtext: Ed tries so hard to convince others he’s of sound mind and body even though he’s failing.
• Layers: Ed is losing it

Character to character
• Conflict: Frank downplays/overlooks Ed’s decline. Stan secretly despises Ed’s decline
• Hidden Agenda: Ed wants to appear on top of things even though he’s confused and unaware.
• Conspiracy: Ed has fake conversations over the phone with a daughter who doesn’t exist.
• Intrigue: Will Ed’s peers realize he has no daughter?

Character Situation
• Dilemma: Will Ed need to be sent to a memory care facility?
• Secret Identity: Ed is very wealthy, but he doesn’t know it. He can’t remember.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by  David Kandel.

[David Kandel]

David Kandel’s Right Characters!

What I learned: This process helps spotlight conflicts and generates ideas for deeper conflicts.

ED:
A retired insurance salesman, 83 years old. He’s gullible and hard of hearing. He’s becoming more forgetful, which scares him and makes him grumpier than ever.
• Complains about everything: food, inside temperature, noise, his roommates, TV shows, news, politics, children

STAN:
A retired prosecuting attorney, 86 years old. He’s skeptical, caustic, and easily frustrated. He’s opinionated and his eyesight is starting to fail.
• He can’t let go of the past.
• He’s bitter.
• He holds a grudge.
• He doesn’t trust his roommates or the caretakers.

FRANK:
A retired truck driver, 81 years old, who is street smart but never graduated high school. He’s silly, sarcastic, and often boastful, to compensate for his lack of education.

SHAYLA:
A Black home health aide, 40–60, who is sassy and rough around the edges. She’s a religious woman who works hard and demands respect. She has a heart of gold but a quick temper and a salty mouth when angered. She gets aggressive when anybody challenges her religious beliefs.

BOBBIE:
An attractive woman, 20-25, who knows she’s hot. She’s often bored and lackadaisical. She’s working as a home health aide to pay for college. She and Shayla can’t stand each other. They argue whenever they are in the same room.

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by  David Kandel.

[David Kandel]

Subject line: David Kandel Great Hook!

A. How did this process work for you? This process generated new creative ideas.

B. What did you learn doing this assignment?” This process takes creativity to a new, more potent level.

• A. Intriguing Contained Setting: A group home for elderly men
• B. Unique Device: Caretakers who hate each other
• C. Unique Monster/Villain: The ravages of age.
• D. Mystery: Main character is unpredictable. What will he devise next?
• E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: Health never gets better. Everyone is in a state of decline.
• F. Unique layers: Humor as a mask and a soothing balm for broken hearts and confronting mortality

2. Ask the High Concept Question.
• Q. Having to do with aging and mortality, what haven’t we seen before?
• A. How can humor serve as a healing elixir to depression, pain, and fear?

3. Pick one and do the Exchanging Components process.
• List the components of your current concept.
o Conflicts among the elderly men
o Conflicts between the caregivers
o Personal frustration caused by failing health, depression and fear
o Introduction of humor and absurdity to the home

• Brainstorm many alternatives for each component.
o Jealousy among the men
o Competition among the men
o Anger among the men
o Jealousy transformed into admiration
o Competition transformed into cooperation
o Anger transformed into compassion

• This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by  David Kandel.

[David Kandel]

David Kandel Great Hook!

A. How did this process work for you? This process generated new creative ideas.

B. What did you learn doing this assignment?” This process takes creativity to a new, more potent level.

• A. Intriguing Contained Setting: A group home for elderly men
• B. Unique Device: Caretakers who hate each other
• C. Unique Monster/Villain: The ravages of age.
• D. Mystery: Main character is unpredictable. What will he devise next?
• E. Impossible goal/Unsolvable problem: Health never gets better. Everyone is in a state of decline.
• F. Unique layers: Humor as a mask and a soothing balm for broken hearts

2. Ask the High Concept Question.
• Q. Having to do with aging and mortality, what haven’t we seen before?
• A. How can humor serve as a healing elixir to depression, pain, and fear?

3. Pick one and do the Exchanging Components process.
• List the components of your current concept.
o Conflicts among the elderly men
o Conflicts between the caregivers
o Personal frustration caused by failing health, depression and fear
o Introduction of humor and absurdity to the home

• Brainstorm many alternatives for each component.
o Jealousy among the men
o Competition among the men
o Anger among the men
o Jealousy transformed into admiration
o Competition transformed into cooperation
o Anger transformed into compassion

• This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by  David Kandel.

[David Kandel]

My Name is David Kandel. I have written three scripts and numerous comedy sketches. I hope to polish the quality of my writing and elevate the marketability of my work. I enjoy community theatre and have acted in several productions over the last few years: “Boolie” in Driving Miss Daisy, “Adolph Freitag” in The Last Night of Ballyhoo, and “Professor Adolph Metz” in The Man Who Came To Dinner.

[David Kandel]

David Kandel: I agree to the terms of this release form:
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[David Kandel]

Re-write of QE Cycle #2 Scene — Nick & John

Logline: Co-workers/roommates, John and Nick, get into a brawl when John accuses Nick of stealing his ideas and submitting them to their boss by claiming he was the creative author.

Essence: John and Nick’s friendship, both professionally and personally, is quickly unraveling and reaches the boiling point.

INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – DAY

John and Nick are both employed by Octopus Marketing. John has been there five years. Nick has been there only one year. John and Nick have the same title and have been working together in the same department. Because of the pandemic, their separate jobs have been turned into one job which their boss has allowed them to share. They became roommates sharing an apartment for just the past two months to save money.

They got along fine for the first six weeks, but their friendship is unraveling as jealousy and trust issues escalate to the boiling point.

JOHN

Why did you go into my room?

NICK

Why do you think I was in your room?

JOHN

My flash-drive was on my dresser this morning. I put it face down. I come home from work tonight and it’s face up.

NICK

Jesus John, that sounds like a fucking Agatha Christie mystery. The case of the upside down flash-drive.

JOHN

You have no business messing with my stuff.

Nick pretends to make a phone call on his cell.

NICK

I’m calling Sherlock Holmes. We need to get him on this case.

JOHN

You were in my room. You took my flash-drive. You read what I spent all last night writing. And if I know you, I can see you e-mailing Connie and taking credit for my creative work.

NICK

Oh, that’s rich, Johnny-Boy. You fucking kill me. I pay for the utilities, the cable, the Internet. I do the cooking, the cleaning. Shit, I even do your laundry sometimes. You pay half the rent. That’s it. I do all these things for you and you never do anything. You come home. You go to your room. You lock your door and you don’t come out ’til morning.

JOHN

I go to my room to be alone. Why do I want to be alone? Because I can’t stand being in the same room when you and Donna start pawing each other. Jesus, by halftime your practically laying on top of her.

NICK

Jealousy doesn’t flatter you, John.

JOHN

I don’t care what you and Donna do. Fuck her brains out. I really don’t care. I go to my room and lock the door because I’m sick and tired of listening to the sounds of pounding flesh.

NICK

OK. I’ll tell Donna that her moans of passion upset you. I’ll tell her that we must copulate in complete silence from now on so we don’t disturb your beauty rest.

John realizes he’s being played.

JOHN

That’s a great idea. Do that.

NICK

Done.

Silence for a few beats.

JOHN

Connie asked me to put some recommendations together. She asked me, not you.

NICK

How do you know she didn’t ask me?

JOHN

You’re the rookie. I’ve been with the company five years. You’ve been there one. I have the highest respect for Connie. She’s the best boss I’ve ever had. She likes me. I like her. She values my work. That’s why she asked me, not you.

NICK

Well guess what? She did ask me.

JOHN

I don’t believe that.

NICK

Oh, I forgot. You’re the only one in the entire department who has good ideas.

JOHN

That’s correct. Thank you.

NICK

The fair-haired boy who can do no wrong.

JOHN

You keep forgetting that one of us was going to get laid off because of the pandemic. Had I not asked Connie if we could job share, your ass would’ve been out the door. That was my idea. You owe me big time.

NICK

Really? That’s not what Connie told me. She said the job share was her idea.

JOHN

You love to re-write history, don’t you? It was her idea to approve it but the concept was mine so we could save your ass. And I’m the one who came up with the idea of dumping the consultant and contracting with Revamp Associates. Connie said that my idea was out of the box, forward thinking, and bold. Those were her exact words.

NICK

And I’m the one who implemented your ideas and made you look good. If it wasn’t for me, Einstein, your ideas would have died on the vine.

JOHN

Just answer me this. Did you take my flash-drive and did you read my report?

Long pause.

NICK

I’m done with this conversation.

Nick’s cell phone rings. He answers.

NICK (CONT’D)

(on the phone)

Hello? Yes. Connie? How are you? Yeah. Oh, living the life. John and I were just talking about you.

Nick starts to go to his room. John follows.

NICK (CONT’D)

(on the phone)

You did? Thank you. That means a lot to me. Yeah. John and I think alike on so many issues. Yeah. He’s a great guy. Great. Yeah. Glad you liked my ideas. I know exactly how to implement them too. See you tomorrow.

Nick hangs up and starts gathering his things.

NICK (CONT’D)

I’ll be at Donna’s tonight so your feathers don’t get ruffled by the sounds of primates in heat.

JOHN

You son-of-a-bitch. You bastard. You read my report, didn’t you?

John grabs Nick by the shirt collar.

JOHN (CONT’D)

You read my shit and sent my ideas to Connie as if you wrote them yourself, didn’t you?

NICK

Chill out, John. You’re not the only one with good ideas.

JOHN

You fucking bastard.

Nick pushes John away. John charges Nick and wrestles him to the ground which erupts into an all out brawl.

[David Kandel]

David Kandel’s Day 15 Assignment QE Cycle #2 John & Nick

Logline: Co-workers/roommates, John and Nick, get into a brawl when John accuses Nick of stealing his ideas and submitting them to their boss by claiming he was the creative author.

Essence: Despite Nick’s generosity when it comes to sharing living arrangements, this scene proves Nick is a conniving, manipulative person in the workplace when he steals John’s ideas and submits a report to their boss and claims the ideas were his.

INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – DAY

John and Nick are both employed by Octopus Marketing. John has been there five years. Nick has been there only one year. John and Nick have the same title and have been working together since Nick started with the company. They became roommates sharing an apartment for just the past two months to save money. Because of the pandemic, their separate jobs have been turned into one job which their boss has allowed them to share.

JOHN

Why did you go into my room?

NICK

Why do you think I was in your room?

JOHN

Do you think I’m stupid? My flash-drive was on my dresser this morning. I put it face down. I come home from work tonight and it’s face up.

NICK

Jesus John, that sounds like a fucking Agatha Christie mystery. The case of the upside down flash-drive.

JOHN

No, it sounds like a nosy roommate who had no business messing with my stuff.

Nick pretends to make a phone call on his cell.

NICK

I’m calling Sherlock Holmes. We need to get him on this case.

JOHN

You were in my room. You took my flash-drive. You read what I spent all last night writing. And if I know you, I can see you e-mailing our boss and taking credit for my creative work.

NICK

Oh, that’s rich, Johnny-Boy. You fucking kill me. I pay for the utilities, the cable, the Internet. I do the cooking, the cleaning. Shit, I even do your laundry sometimes. You pay half the rent. That’s it. I do all these things for you and you never do anything. You come home. You go to your room. You lock your door and you don’t come out ’til morning.

JOHN

I go to my room to be alone. Why do I want to be alone? Because I can’t stand being in the same room when you and Donna start pawing each other. I mean, I’m in here watching the game on TV and you start taking off her damn top.

NICK

Jealousy doesn’t flatter you, John.

JOHN

I really don’t care what you and Donna do. Fuck her brains out. I don’t care. I go to my room and lock the door because I’m sick and tired of all the noise I’m forced to listen to every night.

NICK

OK. I’ll tell Donna that her moans of passion upset you. I’ll tell her that we must fuck in complete silence from now on so we don’t disturb your beauty rest.

John realizes he’s being played.

JOHN

That’s a great idea. Do that.

NICK

Done.

Silence for a few beats.

JOHN

Connie asked me to put some recommendations together. She asked me, not you. I’ve been with the company five years. You’ve been there one. I have the highest respect for Connie. She’s the best boss I’ve ever had. She likes me. I like her. She values my work. That’s why she asked me, not you.

NICK

Oh I forgot. You’re the only one who has good ideas in the entire department.

JOHN

Thank you.

NICK

The fair-haired boy who can do no wrong.

JOHN

You keep forgetting that one of us was going to get laid off because of the pandemic. Had I not asked Connie if we could share the position, your ass would’ve been on the street. That was my idea. You owe me big time.

NICK

That’s not what Connie told me. She said the job share was her idea.

JOHN

You love to re-write history, don’t you? It was her idea to approve it but the concept was mine so we could save your ass. And I’m the one who came up with the idea of dumping the consultant and contracting with Revamp Associates. Connie said that my idea was out of the box, forward thinking, and bold. Those were her exact words.

NICK

And I’m the one who has operationalized your ideas and made you look good.

JOHN

Just answer me this. Did you take my flash-drive and did you read my report?

Long pause.

NICK

I’m done with this conversation.

Nick’s cell phone rings. He answers.

NICK (CONT’D)

(on the phone)

Hello? Yes. Connie? How are you? Yeah. Living the life.

Nick starts to go to his room. John follows.

NICK (CONT’D)

(on the phone)

You did? Thank you. That means a lot to me. Yeah. John and I think alike on so many issues. Yeah. He’s a great guy. Great. Yeah. Glad you liked it. I hope it helps. See you tomorrow.

Nick hangs up and starts to leave the apartment.

NICK (CONT’D)

I’ll be at Donna’s tonight.

JOHN

You son-of-a-bitch. You bastard. You read my report, didn’t you?

John grabs Nick by the shirt collar.

JOHN (CONT’D)

You read my shit and sent my ideas to Connie as if you wrote them yourself, didn’t you?

NICK

Chill out, John.

Nick pushes John away. John charges Nick and wrestles him to the ground which erupts into an all out brawl.

[David Kandel]

David’s Critique of Sydney Burtner’s QE Cycle 1 Rewrite featuring Trent & Robert

The setting choice was excellent. The location had a suspenseful vibe that pays off at the end of the scene. Both characters appear shady in their own way and it’s hard to distinguish who is telling the truth, which adds to the mystery and uncertainty of the moment.

Information about what is really going is revealed with hints, innuendos, and misleading elements which add to the intrigue.

Robert sets up Trent with Kelly by claiming he is a hot shot talent agent, which is bogus. Robert gives Trent the impression that Kelly has the hots for him and wants to get physical in the back room, which is NOT what Kelly has in mind at all.

We get the feeling throughout the scene that the main characters are out to screw each other, both figuratively (and literally in Kelly’s case), which underscores the betrayal that comes at the end when Robert finds out that Trent is essentially conning him.

The author uses multiple interest techniques, however, there were some elements of the scene that were confusing to me. From the opening, it was clear that Trent was known and liked by the staff and patrons. It was odd that Kelly would trust Robert and fall for his story when Trent was a “regular” at the bar whom she seemed to know and like. It may have made more sense for Trent to set up Robert, the stranger to Kelly, as the talent agent.

Kelly said Mr. Troutman was the owner. Later Robert said he was the owner. So it was unclear as to how far the transaction had actually gone.

The author does an excellent job of drawing Trent as a braggart and a fake.

Once Robert finds out that Trent was leading him on, his character changes radically and he turns on him giving the audience a sense of impending doom that awaits Trent.

[David Kandel]

David Kandel’s rewrite of Trent and Robert

I/E. TRENT’S CAR – NIGHT

Robert and Trent drive down the highway at a high rate of speed. Trent is driving a Maserati Levante. Robert has a bag of mulch between his legs containing twenty pounds of cocaine.

ROBERT

This is a sweet ride, man. How’d you swing a Maserati?

TRENT

I’m good at what I do and I make a lot of coin doing it.

ROBERT

Do you know Benny Lumpkins?

TRENT

Yeah. He only deals weed, right? He’s a fucking light weight.

Robert laughs.

ROBERT

That’s funny. The Lump said the exact same thing about you.

TRENT

Fuck him. Call me when Lumpy drives a Maserati.

ROBERT

Did you know he likes watching his wife do other guys?

TRENT

He’s a pig.

Silence. After a few beats.

ROBERT

So what’s this worth on the street?

TRENT

Three to four mil.

ROBERT

So I’m holding four million bucks. How fucking cool is that? How much do I get for running this shit?

TRENT

Depends. Maybe five Gs.

ROBERT

I work a whole month for that and the fucking government takes half.

TRENT

If you do what you’re told, follow directions, and I mean to the letter, you can make damn good money doing this. Someday you could make as much as me.

ROBERT

That’s what I want.

Silence.

TRENT

You know you were ten minutes late.

ROBERT

I stopped to pee, Christ.

TRENT

Don’t be late. Ever. It makes the big dogs nervous when you’re late. Nervous dogs bite. We’re dealing with dudes who will rip your legs off if you fuck up. Get it?

ROBERT

Yeah, OK, I get it.

Robert sulks for getting balled out. Silence.

ROBERT (CONT’D)

I’m sorry.

Silence.

TRENT

So did Mario hand the shit to you personally?

ROBERT

What?

TRENT

I told you to deal exclusively with Mario, didn’t I?

ROBERT

Yeah, but–

TRENT

What the fuck. Didn’t you follow my directions?

ROBERT

The other dude, Carlos, said Mario was out picking up a major shipment. He gave me the shit.

TRENT

Carlos? Who the fuck is Carlos? God damn it, Robert.

ROBERT

Shit! There’s a cop in the median. Fuck! Slow down!

The patrol car turns around through the median then peels out and starts the pursuit.

TRENT

Fuck! Is he coming? Keep your eye on him.

ROBERT

Yeah. Fuck. God damn it.

TRENT

Keep your eye on him. Hold on.

Trent floors it and passes in and out of light traffic going 100 mph.

Robert sees flashing red lights in the distance. He opens the car window ready to toss the cocaine.

TRENT (CONT’D)

What the fuck are you doing?

ROBERT

Ditching the evidence.

TRENT

Don’t! Hold on to that, stupid. We’re gonna outrun that bastard.

Trent almost rear-ends a truck. He swerves around it along the shoulder.

ROBERT

You’re gonna fucking kill us.

TRENT

Shut up. This is our exit.

Trent crosses four lanes of traffic to take the exit. He runs a red light, turns into a busy shopping mall parking lot, drives normally, finds a parking spot and turns off his lights.

The patrol car exits the highway, stops along the side of the road, and turns his flashing lights off. The patrolman has no idea where they went after they exited the freeway. The patrol car turns around and gets back on the freeway.

TRENT (CONT’D)

Don’t you ever try to bail on me like that. What were you thinking? If you’re serious about this shit, I don’t need a fucking chicken-shit panicking on me.

ROBERT

I’m sorry, OK? I’m new at this. I’m sorry.

TRENT

When we get there, be cool. Don’t say anything about the cop, OK? Don’t say anything about Carlos either. Just keep your mouth shut.

EXT. RAVELLI’S NURSERY – NIGHT

Trent parks his car next to numerous stacks of mulch bags. The Ravelli brothers, TONY, 34, RICO, 32, PAULIE, 30, and NICK, 28, stand by the mulch. They are big and mean.

TRENT

Stay in the car. Give me the shit. If this goes well, I’m gonna fix you up with Lexi. She’s the most expensive call girl in the city. You’re gonna like her. I promise.

Trent gets out of the car carrying the cocaine.

TRENT (CONT’D)

I have some mulch I want to return.

Trent hands Nick the cocaine. Nick takes out a switchblade and cuts a small hole in the bag and tastes the product.

Nick looks very disappointed. He takes another taste. Now Nick is really pissed.

NICK

This shit isn’t real. What are you trying to pull?

TRENT

What? This is good shit. We’re not trying to pull anything.

ROBERT

What’s going on? What’s wrong?

PAULIE

Shut up.

NICK

Taste it.

He offers some to Trent. He tastes it.

Nick, Paulie and Rico grab Trent and take him behind the stack of mulch bags.

Lots of shouting. It sounds like Trent is getting pounded.

TRENT (O.S.)

No! Don’t! Stop! I, I didn’t know!

EXT. BEHIND THE MULCH STACKS – NIGHT

Nick, Paulie, Rico are faking a fight with Trent. They punch the bags of much. It sounds brutal.

Rico takes out a vial of fake blood and squirts it all around Trent’s nose and mouth. Trent moans in pain. It’s all fake.

EXT. BY TRENT’S CAR – NIGHT

Tony pulls a long knife out of his pocket and puts it under Robert’s throat.

TONY

If you move, I’ll slit your throat.

Robert is immobilized.

Suddenly Trent runs around the corner all bloodied. He pulls a gun from his back pocket. Nick, Paulie and Rico come around the corner with knives in hand.

TRENT

Back off. We didn’t know the shit was fake. We’ll make it right!

Trent brandishes his weapon and gets into the car. Robert is stunned and frozen in place.

NICK

You better bring back some good shit tomorrow or you and your friend are gonna get cancelled.

TRENT

I’ll get with Mario tomorrow. We’ll make it right. C’mon Robert. We got work to do.

Trent starts the car and peels out.

NICK

That little fucker is a good actor.

RICO

Trent should get a fucking Academy Award. That’s the ninth mule he’s gotten us for free.

EXT. TRENT’S CAR – NIGHT

ROBERT (O.S.)

I’m sorry! Trent, I’m sorry I fucked up. God damn it I am so sorry!

TRENT (O.S.)

I assume you wanna live, right? You’re gonna have to make four runs for free to make up for this.

[David Kandel]

Hi Karen, I really like your scene! Your dialogue is realistic and potent. I like all of the tension and conflict that bubbles up in such a short period of time. Nicely done. It’s very interesting to read the different approaches people had to this assignment. I tend to like writing comedy, so I struggled with an idea because the characters and the premise are rather dark. You used the Interest Techniques quite well!

[David Kandel]

Thank you Karen. I appreciate your kind words!

[David Kandel]

David Kandel — Finds the Essence

What I learned is that taking a critical look at the essence of each scene really focuses on drawing out the purpose of the scene/action and characters involved. It helps to ensure that the writing is tight and advances the core message of the story.

Script I choose: Mr. Holland’s Opus

Scene 1 Location: Carl Holland’s home.

Logline: Carl Holland’s first day as a high school music teacher is a huge let down but his dreams of becoming a composer far outweigh the frustrations of teaching teenagers which he believes will only be a two-year gig.

Essence: Establish Holland’s dream of writing a great piece of music.

Scene 2 Location: Music Room at John F. Kennedy High School

Logline: Principal Molters confronts Holland about volunteering for extra work at school and lectures him about teaching as a calling but Holland makes it clear he doesn’t do anything unless he gets paid, and he informs Molters about what his true passion is – writing a symphony.

Essence: Holland is a bit of an asshole, yet he makes it very clear that his true passion is not for teaching but for the creative process of writing a symphony. This man is in the wrong profession. Holland even admits that he doesn’t “hear the call.”

Scene 3 Location: Cemetery where a funeral service is being conducted for a former student of Holland’s.

Logline: Holland takes a smart-ass, unfeeling student to a funeral for a young man who was killed in Vietnam and is moved to tears by the music and the emotion of the sadness expressed by the family and friends.

Essence: Holland articulates what he knows in his heart that music is the language of emotion and that it’s essential.

Scene 4 Location: Holland’s garage

Logline: Holland and his deaf son Cole have a huge misunderstanding and it becomes clear that Holland has never taken the time to learn how to communicate with his own son.

Essence: Holland has neglected his own son and family. He’s really a hypocrite.

Scene 5 Location: School gymnasium

Logline: As Holland is prepared to leave his teaching position for good, he is surprised by a gathering of current and former students who perform his lifelong dream, an American Opus.

Essence: Holland realizes that he has made a huge impact on many lives and he has been transformed from a teacher who didn’t care, and a distant father to an inspiring mentor who has helped hundreds of kids and has repaired a strained relationship with his son. The students and all of the people he has touched are his “American Opus.”

My selection for most profound essence… is the final scene in Mr. Holland’s Opus. The entire essence of the movie is contained in the lines spoken by “Gertrude,” a former student,’ who was mentored by Holland. His Opus is all of the lives he touched through his dedication to music and to his students. Holland certainly didn’t start out that way, but his character went through a major arc throughout the story.

Gertrude states the theme/core/essence of Holland’s life eloquently: “There is not a life in this room that you have not touched. And each one is a better person for meeting you or being your student. This is your symphony, Mr. Holland. These people are the notes and melodies of your opus. And this is the music of your life.”

INT. GYMNASIUM

BOMP! BOMP! BOMP!BOMP! BOMP!BOMP! BOMP! BOMP!”Louie, Louie” fills the air, played by the school band. The gymnasium is full, crammed to the rafters with students and townsfolk.

There is a banner over the stage — “Good-bye, Mr. Holland”. Holland is overwhelmed. Meister takes his briefcase and Principal Kiernan escorts him toward the stage. People reach out of the audience to shake his hand.

Soon we recognize older versions of Schiff, Goodrich, Groves –Lohman, Ed Claypool, Yntema, then Tidd — maybe a very womanly Rowena near the back. Mrs. Kiernan leads Holland up the steps to the stage, to the podium in front of the band. A stunned Holland looks for Iris. She and Cole wink at him. The applause finally dies down and Mrs. Kiernan addresses the crowd.

MRS. KIERNAN

I’ve only been here, what, thirteen years already? But when the word got out that the Music Program was cut, and about the subsequent retirement of our Mr. Holland … well, I have never seen such a response from this community — never. So we put together a little send-off. We were going to buy you something, Carl, a watch, or whatever… We asked your wife Iris what you might want or need, she was no help at all. (beat) The one thing she did mention was your writing. And I remember all those school board meetings, faculty meetings, and so on. I always saw you scribbling away, what I thought were pertinent notes, but I looked over your shoulder once and discovered it was quarter-notes and flats. I was so glad when you finished the damned thing so you could concentrate on your teaching again. There is good-nature laughter from the audience. Seriously, though, I don’t think I have ever come across a more dedicated, selfless teacher. The only way we can ever pay you back is to perform, for the first time, “The American Opus”, by Carl Holland.

She hands him the baton. He turns to the orchestra. The instruments are poised and ready. He looks down at the music stand. The sheet music is a copy of the original, in his handwriting. “The American Opus” by Carl Holland. He touches the sheets of music, looks at Iris. His Iris. He loves this woman. She motions him to get on with it. Then raises the baton, taps it once on the music stand and… the orchestra plays. The opening strains of the music fill the gym. Holland’s face glows and his chest fills with pride. There is a quiet murmur in the audience behind him. It gets louder, disrupting the music. Holland looks over his shoulder. Two Highway Patrolmen can be seen in the back of the gymnasium.

The murmur in the audience increases. A few words are audible. “The Governor … “It’s the Governor!” “Here!” “Where?” “I can’t see … ” “Look, over there!”

Holland drops his baton and the music peters out. The two Highway Patrolmen walk down the aisle ahead of a middle-aged woman in glasses. She is followed by two more Highway Patrolmen and a couple of staff members. She strides up the stage. Principal Kiernan takes the podium, startled.

MRS. KIERNAN

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present our Governor … and former Kennedy High School alumna, the Most Honorable Gertrude Van Lente. By God, it is Gertrude. She takes the microphone, waits for the applause to die down.

GERTRUDE

Thank you, Principal Kiernan. I’m sorry I arrived late and spoiled the music, but we’ll get right back to it. I came here today to say my thanks to Mr. Carl Holland. I remember him well… He had a great influence on my life. On a lot of lives, I know. And I have the feeling that Mr. Holland considers a great part of his life was misspent. He wrote this symphony of his to be performed, possibly to make him famous or rich, probably both. That is the American dream…that is how we measure success, by being rich and famous. On that scale, Mr. Holland is a failure — but I think he has achieved a success beyond riches and fame. Look around you, Mr. Holland. There is not a life in this room that you have not touched. And each one is a better person for meeting you, or being your student. This is your symphony, Mr. Holland. These people are the notes and melodies of your opus. And this is the music of your life.

The audience gives Holland a standing ovation. He looks out at the audience, each face a memory, a moment of his life.

GERTRUDE

One last thing, Mr. Holland. As long as I am Governor of this State there will always be a Music Program in the High Schools. Let’s get back to the music. Mr. Holland…

Holland steadies himself and goes back to the orchestra. He raises the baton. The music begins again. It is a great symphony with elements of jazz, rock, country, tin pan alley, and classical. Gertrude goes over to one of the girls playing the clarinet and whispers in her ear. And she takes the clarinet, takes the student’s seat, and plays.

Then, out of the audience, one or two at a time, other adults approach the stage and — one by one — replace the students in the orchestra. Eventually the orchestra is composed completely of adults. Holland cries openly as he leads them.

And in the audience, resting in Iris, lap, is the needlepoint –words encircled by twining ivy –

“Life Is What Happens

While You Are Making Other Plans”

[David Kandel]

David Kandel’s critique of Syd Burtner’s Cycle 2 scene.

Syd, I really like how you blast right into the scene — very exciting and dramatic. You got me hooked right away. You might want to include in the description that John has a gun sitting next to his computer. It wasn’t clear when I read the scene for the first time that John fired the first shot because Nick was described as the one with the gun in his hand.

I think it’s visually quite funny when Nick turns on the sprinkler system and it starts raining, then John opens an umbrella. Nice integration of absurd humor in a very tense situation.

I wasn’t sure what John was trying to accomplish. He wants to destroy evidence, but does he actually want to clean up the busines and make it legit?

You clearly hit all of the traits for both characters which was exactly what we were supposed to do. Very good job with that! John’s lines and his actions demonstrate that he’s daring, distrustful, loyal, and a loner. Nick is portrayed as confident, conniving, rebellious, and somewhat giving.

Toward the end of the scene, it appeared as if Nick and John started to understand each other’s motivations. I understand why Nick would want to record the conversation, but John’s last speech seems to make sense. Wouldn’t his plan protect them both?

I know there is only so much one can put into a 5-page scene, but you captured the traits exceedingly well.

With regard to where to place our work in the forums: it’s not very clear, is it? It’s rather frustrating.

Also, thank you for your comments on my scene. They were spot on. It’s weird for me to write a scene about characters I don’t particularly like in a plot that I would never write, but it’s a valuable exercise that is helping me with the screenplay I’m working on now.

I haven’t noticed many other people posting their work. Have you? Am I missing something?

[David Kandel]

Sydney, Thanks for reading my scene. And thanks for reaching out. Yes, I would love to exchange notes. I’m a bit confused on which postings go where in the forums. Am I the only one confused? I want to give your scene a careful read and I’ll share my thoughts soon.

–David