[David Mailman]

ASSIGNMENT
Tell us your supporting and background characters.
Focusing on those supporting characters, fill in the basic profile for each.
Support 1:
• Name: Danielle: Leon’s nympho sister.
• Role: She is a threat to Leon’s reputation and Plato’s life. Her imprisonment in an attic is one of Leon’s secrets.
• Main purpose: To illustrate the precarious life and humiliation a slave could have.
• Value: She illustrates that Whites can be imprisoned by traditions.
Support 2:
• Name: Delilah: Sybelle’s and Leon’s or Plato’s daughter.
• Role: Sybelle’s agent at the plantation.
• Main purpose: She administers Sybelle’s drugs.
• Value: She makes destruction to plantation characters seem like magic.
Support 2:
• Name: Boland: The butler.
• Role: He represents Blacks who look down on other Blacks.
• Main purpose: A hostile threat who tries to undermine Plato.
• Value: A contrast to Plato, being a slave who was raised always subservient but high in the slave hierarchy.
Support 3:
• Name: Tattoo: The slave who tattoos other slaves to show whose property they are.
• Role: He has a special skill that further shows slaves as cattle.
• Main purpose: Serves as a setup for Leon’s final fate.
• Value: Represents a predictor of tattooing in Nazi concentration camps.
Support 4:
• Name: Alex: Leon’s son from his first marriage.
• Role: Leon’s love for him poses a serious threat to Leon.
• Main purpose: His death drives Leon insane.
• Value: Leon chooses between his life and a basic taboo of miscegenation.
Support 5:
• Name: Helen: Leon’s second wife.
• Role: She provides a sympathetic White to Blacks.
• Main purpose: Her pregnancy provides an excuse for Leon to kill Plato.
• Value: Illustrates how malicious traditions, like miscegenation, could drive people insane.
• Background Characters:
• House servant slaves, field hand slaves, White newspaper workers, Southern whites (pre Civil War plantation aristocracy, workers,)

• This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

MAILMAN’S CHARACTER PROFILE
With each of your lead characters, first tell us the following:
• A. The High Concept.
• B. This Character’s Journey.
• C. The Actor Attractors for this Character.
Brainstorm these profile components for each character.
• Character Subtext:
• Character Intrigue:
• Flaw:
• Values:
• Character Dilemma:

PLATO
The High Concept
Plato, a successful freed slave is drawn back to his plantation to resolve the conflicts he faced there.
This Character’s Journey.
Plato grows from an enslaved child and teenager, living in the worlds of both Master and Slave, to a successful free adult. As an adult he is drawn back to his plantation to face the people and sins he committed/encountered there.
The Actor Attractors For This Character.
Plato must constantly struggle between the subconscious exhilaration of being a Master with the conditioning of being a Slave.
A connection to history for a Black actor.
Risky scenes.
Character Subtext:
Plato’s secret is that he was happier as a slave when he was one-half Master than as a free adult with its hazardous responsibilities.
Character Intrigue:
Plato’s deception is his subconscious desire to continue his love affair with Leon.
Flaw:
Plato is unable to make a clear distinction between his good and bad experiences as a slave and the ethics of slavery and freedom and thus makes bad decisions.
Values:
Duty to his race vs loyalty to Leon.
Character Dilemma:
Guilt for using his privileged position against helpless people versus the need for expiation.

LEON

The High Concept
A child raised to be a Southern slave-owning aristocrat experiences his world crumbling around him after the Civil War. He is forced to accept the help of a former slave to save what is left, even though they were violently alienated.
This Character’s Journey.
Leon changes from a content child to a failed adult living on a rundown plantation while he remembers his sins and sinks into despair.
The Actor Attractors For This Character.
Scenes of violence, madness, and despair and contrasting ones of need.
Character Subtext;
Leon’s pretense is trying to live his role of master, driven by his autocratic father, despite losing to Plato at physical and mental activities.
Character Intrigue:
Leon’s unspoken wound is his relationship with Plato.
Flaw:
Looking for help from other people.
Values:
Traditions.
Character Dilemma:
Pride in traditions versus fear of the new.

SYBELLE
The High Concept.
Sybelle grows up innocent and running wild in the swamp, where she learns the power of plant medicine, until she is raped by Leon and Plato, and turns vengeful.
This Character’s Journey.
From innocent and victimized to predator and malicious.
The Actor Attractors For This Character.
Violent, dramatic scenes.
Change of commitment, goal, and personality.
Character Subtext;
Sybellle’s drive is revenge because of her rape.
Character Intrigue:
Sybelle conspires with her daughter to get revenge on Plato and Leon.
Flaw:
Blind to her revenge on innocent people.
Values:
Protecting the innocent.
Character Dilemma:
Separating the guilty from the innocent.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  David Mailman.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

MAILMAN’S CHARACTER PROFILE M3/L6

GENRE: Feature – Dramatic Triangle.
TITLE: Greenvale Plantation.
HIGH CONCEPT: Two children, one a Black slave and the other the White plantation owner's son, are raised together until the Civil War separates them. Decades later, the now successful Black businessman reunites with the White son, but their past rekindles a deadly rivalry.
PROTAGONIST: Plato, a slave bought as a child to be the companion and protector of the Greenvale Plantation owners’ young son, Leon, is freed after the Civil War. He returns to Greenvale decades later to resolve secret issues between them.
ANTAGONIST: Leon, now owner of the failing Greenvale plantation, resents Plato’s success but needs him to save the plantation. That resentment of Plato drives Leon insane.
TRIANGLE CHARACTER: Sybelle , a voodoo priestess, is raped by Leon and Plato as teenagers. to reaffirm their feelings of manhood after they became lovers.

With each of your lead characters, tell us the following:

PLATO

The High Concept
Plato, a successful freed slave is drawn back to his plantation to resolve the conflicts he faced there.

This Character’s Journey.
Plato grows from an enslaved child and teenager, living in the worlds of both Master and Slave, to a successful free adult. As an adult he is drawn back to his plantation to face the people and sins he committed/encountered there.

The Actor Attractors For This Character.
Plato must constantly struggle between the subconscious exhilaration of being a Master with the conditioning of being a Slave.
A connection to history for a Black actor.
Risky scenes.

Role in the Story:
Plato is molded by his early life as part Master and part Slave. As an adult he returns to his origins to make amends to the people he hurt.

Age Range And Description:
Three different age ranges, child, teen, and adult, by different actors. A good looking and athletic Black.

Core Traits:
Uncertain
Bitter
Kind
Smart

Motivation:
Want to make his own life.
Need to break with the past.
Wound is being confused about his place in life,
Likability: Doesn’t take advantage of those beneath him until he commits what he considers a sin.
Relatability: Grows up doing child-appropriate activities. Adult life falls apart while doing principled work.
Empathy: Uncertain about making decisions.

LEON

The High Concept
A child raised to be a Southern slave-owning aristocrat experiences his world crumbling around him after the Civil War. He is forced to accept the help of a former slave to save what is left, even though they were violently alienated.

This Character’s Journey.
Leon changes from a content child to a failed adult living in a rundown plantation while he remembers his sins and sinks into despair.

The Actor Attractors For This Character.
Scenes of violence, madness, and despair and contrasting ones of need.

Role In The Story:
A contrast to Plato. Leon goes from Master to dependent as his world crumbles. He ends up, literally, a Black.

Age Range And Description:
Three different age ranges, child, teen, and adult, by different actors. A good looking and athletic White.

Core Traits:
Spoiled
Insecure
Thoughtless
Charming

Motivation:
Want is return to the traditions and life of his childhood
Need is to have Plato as his very close friend.
Wound is to have never lived up to his father’s idea of a man and to hold on to his birth-right..
Likability: Leon is charming in the style of Southern pre-Civil War plantation society. It’s empty of meaning.
Relatability: He tries to adapt but can’t beat the changing world.
Empathy: Failure to hold on to his old lifestyle.

SYBELLE

The High Concept.
Sybelle grows up innocent and running wild in the swamp, where she learns the power of plant medicine, until she is raped by Leon and Plato, and turns vengeful.

This Character’s Journey.
From innocent and victimized to predator and malicious.

The Actor Attractors For This Character.
Violent, dramatic scenes.
Change of commitment, goal and personality.

Role In The Story:
The Nemesis of adult Leon and Plato. She keeps in the shadows but acts through her, and Leon’s or Plato’s, daughter.

Age Range And Description:
Two age ranges, teen and adult, played by two actors

Core Traits:
Swamp smart.
Practical botanist.
Cunning.
Determined.

Motivation;
Want is to get Revenge.
Need is to destroy the remnants of slavery.
Wound is the rape destroying her innocence.
Likability is her outsmarting Leon and Plato.
Relatability is getting revenge.
Empathy is her being victimized.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Module 3 – Lesson 5: Audience Connection to Characters
2. Brainstorm one or more ways you can present your Protagonist through each of these:
Likability:
Giving other slave children his food.
Smiled at by young female slave and not knowing how to respond.
Relatability:
Playing with Leon as a child.
Playing with other slave children.
Protecting Leon when he is beaten by Union soldier.
Empathy:
Being dragged from his mother when sold.
Threatened with a bloody whipping when six-years-old.
Hugs cat after being frightened at first meeting with Master and being threatened.
Puzzling over whipping of slave children.
Being beaten by visiting White children.
Being beaten by Leon’s father after beating Leon in a contest.
3. Just to get the experience, give us one or more ways that your Antagonist could be presented through each of these:
Likability:
Giving a crying Plato his toy when Plato dragged into plantation house.
Beating up visiting White children attacking Plato.
Stopping a slave from taking food from younger slave.
Affection for and from his mammy.
Relatability:
Affection for plantation horses.
Sadness during selling plantation stock.
Empathy:
Being beaten by his father when he loses to Plato in a contest.
Being knocked down by Black Union soldier and kept back by other soldiers.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Mailman’s Character Intrigue.

Give us an idea of how that character’s subtext might show up in your movie.

[David Mailman]

ASSIGNMENT

Mailman’s Character Subtext

2. With your example movie, give us the following answers for the character with the most subtext:

[David Mailman]

What I learned from doing this assignment. The previous assignments made sense to me, and they were a learning experience that I could process, develop, and make meaningful contributions to the script. When I hit “Actor Roles”, I drew a blank. I realized the way I see movies and scripts is as actions that actors follow. I did not view actors as having their own traits that actions would follow. It turned out these assignments were very difficult for me. I was not satisfied with my descriptions of the roles and how the actor’s traits related to them.

GENRE: Feature – Dramatic Triangle.
TITLE: Greenvale Plantation.
LOGLINE: Two children, one a Black slave and the other the White plantation owner’s son, are raised together until the Civil War separates them. Decades later, the now-successful Black businessman reunites with the White son, but their past rekindles a deadly rivalry.

HOOK: History isn’t past, it’s waiting for revenge.

PROTAGONIST: Plato, a slave bought as a child to be the companion and protector of the Greenvale Plantation owners’ young son, Leon, is freed after the Civil War. He returns to Greenvale decades later to resolve secret issues between them.
ANTAGONIST: Leon, now the owner of the failing Greenvale plantation, resents Plato’s success but needs him to save the plantation. That resentment of Plato drives Leon insane.
TRIANGLE CHARACTER: Sybelle , a voodoo priestess, is raped by Leon and Plato as teenagers. to reaffirm their feelings of manhood after they became lovers.

MAILMAN’S ACTOR ATTRACTORS

Lead Character Name: PLATO

Role: Protagonist

 What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

Plato changes from innocent and tolerant to experienced and vengeful.

Plato wrestles with his philosophy of life as he changes from New Testament excuser to Old Testament destroyer.

It represents the destructive effect that living in an authoritarian society has on everybody, Master and Slave.

A Black actor would have a cultural and personal connection.

Plato delivers a monologue describing the effects of slavery on Master and Slave.

Plato struggles with his conflicted feelings toward Leon, vacillating between attraction and resentment.

 What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

A strong character arc.

The transformational journey of slave to free.

His flawed character – misusing another Black and then helping a White who owned him.

Complex relationship with Leon; protector, lover, avenger.

 What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Violent or homosexual sexual behavior.

Hallucinating.

Fighting with his conflicting desire to stay or return to the plantation.

Fighting a duel (shooting, strength, cut cards) with Leon.

Returning to the plantation. Arriving feeling successful, then scorned by Whites in town, greeted reluctantly by Leon, coldly treated by freedmen.

 How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

Because Plato first enters as a child, the adult entry is delayed. Plato could be introduced as a flashback adult in one difficult situation.

 What could be this character’s emotional range

Breakdown after confronting Leon.

Sadness while leaving Greenvale.

Violence during rape.

Sex with Leon.

Fear of Sybelle and Leon’s sister’s advances.

Revert to powerlessness when returning South.

Catharsis destroying remnant of his slave days.

Zombie.

 What subtext can the actor play?

Frequent praise of his slave days with irony.

Tricking enemies with cleverness.

 What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

With Leon as his one-time slave, then as a memory, then as a savior, then as a slave again.

With ex-slaves remaining at Greenvale.

 How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

As someone conditioned at an early age to be subservient.

 What could make this character special and unique?

Attempts at forgiveness that are thwarted.

Lead Character Name: LEON

Role: Antagonist

 What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

Character arc from proud and entitled but inadequate to insecure and unraveling.

 What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

Slow disintegration makes him unpredictable and tragic.

 What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Rape of Sybelle.

Sex with Plato.

Sadness at the auction of Greenvale stock.

Flashback to father giving him Master lessons.

 How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

Brutal to a female slave.

 What could be this character’s emotional range

Pride, anger, fear, shame, failure, and loss.

 What subtext can the actor play?

Envy of Plato while asking him for help.

Insecurity at his Master’s role.

 What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

With Plato once being his Master but now his slave.

 How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

Sharp dialogue, self-defensive wit, and hostility.

 What could make this character special and unique?

Never sympathetic to slavery but needed to live up to tradition.

Lead Character Name: SYBELLE

Role: Dramatic Triangle

 What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it?

Vengeful character against Slavery.

Character arc from innocent to vengeful.

 What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story?

Operates in the shadows.

Seems supernatural but acts through real mechanisms.

 What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script?

Being attacked scene.

Revenge scene.

 How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor?

She first appears to Plato and Leon in a storm with thunder and lightning illuminating her.

 What could be this character’s emotional range?

Quiet hatred, innocence, love of a daughter.

 What subtext can the actor play?

Hatred at the back of all her interactions with Leon and Plato.

 What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have?

As a victim of and then avenger to Leon and Plato.

 How will this character’s unique voice be presented?

As an unschooled child of swamp and voodoo.

 What could make this character special and unique?

Guessing if she works through magic or not.

[David Mailman]

MAILMAN’S CHARACTERS THAT SELL SCRIPTS.

Movie Title: 12 YEARS A SLAVE
Lead Character Name: Solomon Northrup.
A question before the assignment. Wouldn’t reading a script, rather than watching the movie, be a better source for what would attract an actor since that would be what he first saw?
1. Why would an actor WANT to be known for this role?
As a role, the character escapes a seemingly inescapable situation (although mostly through luck) as suggested more by the title than script, since he absolutely needed the help of another.
He is the center of almost every scene. Even when he is not center, the scene revolves around him. such as where he is being helped by “good” owner, free worker, and punishment of others.
As a Black, the role was personally and culturally significant for him.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in the movie?
Lives two different roles; free and slave, requiring two different behaviors.
Subservient role as a slave requires being the main character in the movie but not dominant in the action.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead takes in the movie?
When he talks Epp out of killing him.
Playing the violin.
Being hung, although this doesn’t require a virtuoso performance.
Whipping Patsey.
When he is removed from the plantation.
Engineering the water transport of logs.
4. How is this character introduced that could sell it to an actor?
Solomon, in the movie, appears first, in a quick scene, as a slave then as a free well-respected middle class family man in a slavery-free city. This immediately sets up the conflict and contrast for the audience. It was a confusing opening, I thought. I would have plotted chronologically.
(I read two unsequenced scripts with very different openings. Both started with Solomon as free. Jasper, the slave in the store had extensive dialogue with Solomon about escaping that was cut. The problem with watching the movie or reading the shooting script is that a writer doesn’t know what script was first sold or got attention.
5. What is this character’s emotional range?
The characters emotionally range was limited because for most of the movie his emotions were limited by his being a slave. Despite this he managed to convey happiness, contentment, fear, hatred, patience, anger, sympathy, compassion, despair, mostly from facial expression in the context of the scene. A lot was left to the audience to fill in intention.
6. What subtext can the actor play?
Almost all of the subtext of the Lead was played straight, against the backdrop of the knowledge that he was not a slave and his hoping to be freed. Many of the other actors had clear subtext, especially Epp’s wife.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character has?
His family relationships at the beginning and end represented the best acting and emotion.
His relationship with Patsye was interesting because he was close to her but had to whip her and refuse to kill her.
8. How is this character’s unique voice presented?
He had to keep probing for ways to escape knowing that if anyone suspected he would be punished or killed.
While a slave he also had to keep his ethics alive and protect others around him.
9. What makes this character special and unique?
The contrast between living in freedom and slavery.
10. (Fill in a scene that shows the character fulfilling much of the Actor Attractor model.)
INT. NORTHUP HOUSE/BEDROOM – MORNING
They all wait a moment, then Solomon enters the foyer. He stands, and looks admiringly at his family. ADMIRINGLY stressed. It isn't that he doesn't have love for them, he does as well. But in the moment, he truly admires his greatest accomplishment: a family that is healthy and well and provided for. He goes to his children, and hands each a coin.
He moves, then, to Anne. Gives her a kiss on the cheek. The children giggle at the sight.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Mailman.
• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Mailman’s Genre Conventions
GENRE: Feature – Dramatic Triangle.

TITLE: Greenvale Plantation.

LOGLINE: Two children, one a Black slave and the other the White plantation owner's son, are raised together until the Civil War separates them. Decades later, the now successful Black businessman reunites with the White son, but their past rekindles a deadly rivalry.
PROTAGONIST: Plato, a slave bought as a child to be the companion and protector of the Greenvale Plantation owners’ young son, Leon, is freed after the Civil War. He returns to Greenvale decades later to resolve secret issues between them.

ANTAGONIST: Leon, now owner of the failing Greenvale plantation, resents Plato’s success but needs him to save the plantation. That resentment of Plato drives Leon insane.

TRIANGLE CHARACTER: Sybelle , a voodoo priestess, is raped by Leon and Plato as teenagers. to reaffirm their feelings of manhood after they became lovers.
The additions or modifications below are added to the previous Structure Assignment to increase drama.
Act 1:
Plato arrives in a wagon chained to his mother during a storm. A brutal overseer drags the crying Plato away from his sobbing mother and into the house. Leon, 4, a cute child, rides a rocking horse on the porch and gives Plato a toy as he passes.
Leon, selfishly and to assert mastery,demands Plato climb a tree to get him an apple while he lays down. Plato sees a slave being whipped at a whipping post (he’d never seen this before) .
Leon demands Plato tell him stories so he can sleep. Plato tells stories he heard from his mother and other slaves that illustrate independence in Africa. And thirst for freedom.
Black tutor secretly gives Plato lesson while Leon sleeps. Plato uses scraps of paper and a slate. Plato begins to see he is superior to Leon but doesn’t see he has agency.
Leon orders Plato to wash the blood from his shirt.
Leon’s sister taunts Plato by pretending to cry “rape” and makes him crawl.
Leon touches Plato as he thinks about leaving. Leon’s father suspects the sex between them and screams at Leon to whip Plato. Leon resists but then whips him mercilessly. Leon, sobbing, throws the whip at a prostrate bleeding Plato and walks away. In Act 2, the whip hangs on the wall of Plato’s office.
Plato disappears into the crowd of departing slaves.
Act 2:
Plato fights or his position. His lessons from Leon’s tutoring prepare him. He is haunted by memories of Greenvale.
Leon’s fields are going to ruins. Only a few sharecroppers work them.
Leon staggers through the empty rooms of Greenvale giving orders to nonexistent slaves.
Leon’s sister does a provocative dance before the soldier’s campfire. Leon is horrified and disgraced.
Plato must choose his ethics or give into the White power structure. Plato’s business is burned by a racist crowd. He is almost killed. He is ruined.
Leon/Plato, desperate, goes to the other’s house. The wife looks uneasy.
Plato visits Greenvale to buy it for Black sharecroppers. Leon and Plato have dinner with barely concealed hostility. Both present their memories of the past, challenging each other. Their exchanges grow tense. Leon blames Sybelle’s curse for his ruin. Plato responds, “your family built the curse with their own hands”.
Plato announces his tentative purchase of Greenvale at a local meeting. Leon enrages the locals and Plato is almost killed.
Act 3:
Plato wanders through the plantation and encounters scenes from the past (blood-stained walls, chains and whips, branding irons. beds for sex with slaves) that trigger repressed memories. Slave grave covered with trash.
Leon attacks Plato in the fields. Sybelle appears from the shadows and drags a bloodied Plato to her cabin.
Act 4:
Alt. Leon writes a letter to Plato apologizing for his role but may not mail it.
Alt. Plato finalizes the purchase of Greenvale and converts the land into a school for freed slaves. The final image is Black school children running in the old cotton fields.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Mailman’s 4 Act Transformational Structure.

Concept: Two children, one a Black slave and the other the White plantation owner's son, are raised together until the Civil War separates them. Decades later, the now successful Black businessman reunites with the White son, but their past rekindles a deadly rivalry.

PROTAGONIST: Plato, a slave bought as a child to be the companion and protector of the Greenvale Plantation owners’ young son, Leon, is freed after the Civil War. He returns to Greenvale decades later to resolve secret issues between them.

ANTAGONIST: Leon, now owner of the failing Greenvale plantation, resents Plato’s success but needs him to save the plantation. That resentment of Plato drives Leon insane.

TRIANGLE CHARACTER: Sybelle , a voodoo priestess, is raped by Leon and Plato, after they have sex with each other, to reaffirm their feelings of manhood.

Main Conflict: Plato returns to Greenvale to help Leon. Both feel guilty over Sybele’s rape and their sexual affair leading to hatred. Sybele uses drugs to disturb their minds putting them and their loved ones at risk.

Old Ways: Life on the plantation may be settled, although miserable for many, if people know their places. Behavior is kept by custom and force. Conflicts arise when roles overlap.
Plato is a powerless slave and is swept along by forces out of his control. However, he has special privileges that make him feel superior to the average slave.
Plato, Leon, and Sybelle are content until they engage in forbidden conduct.

New Ways: After The Civil War, roles became ill-defined, and traditions are maintained by intimidation.
Plato is a successful business man with control over his life except for tormenting
feelings of guilt from his past.
Resentments, long suppressed, flare when Plato, Leon, and Sybelle reunite many years later, with new attitudes that create violence.

External Journey: Plato changes from frightened slave to successful businessman.
Internal Journey: Plato changes from insecure to assured and motivated activist.
Act 1:
• Opening:
• Plato, a mixed race five-year-old, is bought to be the companion of Leon, the four-year-old son of the owner of Greenvale plantation.
• Leon and Plato are raised and play together. The mistreatment of slaves does not fully register with Plato.
• Plato sits in with Leon at his tutoring. Plato leans the lessons, but Leon does not.
• The close relationship and conflicted roles of Plato and Leon begin to blur.
• Plato rescues Leon from an alligator while swimming. They have sex after Plato comforts a frightened Leon.
• Inciting Incident:
• They are agitated and rape a voodoo priestess, Sybelle, to feel like men.
• Alt. Leon’s sister seduces Plato.
• Alt. He is castrated.
• Turning Point
• The Union Army frees Plato and removes him.
• Alt. Union soldiers come to remove slaves. Plato wants to stay. Leon flogs him and throws him off the plantation.

Act 2:
• New plan:
• Plato arrives in DC and gets a newspaper job, eventually becoming a publisher
• Plato becomes an activist against Jim Crow.
• Plato must choose losing his business or giving in to the White power establishment.
• Leon has trouble holding on to the plantation. He starts drinking.
• Sybelle drugs Leon’s sister who has sex with a troop of soldiers.
• Alt. Leon kills her.
• Alt. Leon locks her away.
• Alt. She runs off with the soldiers.
• Plan in action
• Plato loses his business. Realizes he still has no power.
• Leon begs Plato to return.
• Midpoint Turning Point
• Goes back to Greenvale with wife and her child.
Act 3:
• Rethink everything:
• Plato finds past experiences make Greenvale worse than when he was last there.
• Leon has deteriorated mentally and is paranoid. He’s drinking and reminiscing about the good old days of slavery.
• Unknown to Plato or Leon, Sybelle has placed her daughter (Leon’s or Plato’s) at Greenvale as her accomplice.
• New plan:
• Leon’s insanity causes him to think that:
• Alt. Plato is the sire of Leon’s wife pregnancy. Leon imprisons her and threatens to kill the child.
• Alt. Plato is stealing the plantation.
• Alt. Ghosts of slaves drive Leon crazy.
• Sybelle tells Leon to release his wife or his son from another marriage dies horribly. He doesn’t and the son dies.
• Plato becomes delusional.
• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift:
• Leon tries to kill Plato when he tries to rescue his/Leon’s wife.
• Sybelle rescues Plato and takes him to her cabin. She drugs him.
Act 4:
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict:
• Sybelle puts her daughter, and Leon’s wife on a train to the North.
• Resolution:
• Sybelle turns Plato into a powerless zombie to serve Leon forever.
• Sybelle drugs Leon and tattoos his face black. He lives at Greenvale for the rest of his life with only Plato as his servant.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Mailman’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure.

VISION: First, I want to write scripts that I can be proud of and say what I want to say. Not being an idiot, I also want to sell them.

GENRE: Feature – Dramatic Triangle.

TITLE: Greenvale Plantation.

LOGLINE: Two children, one a Black slave and the other the White plantation owner's son, are raised together until the Civil War separates them. Decades later, the now successful Black businessman reunites with the White son, but their past rekindles a deadly rivalry.

HOOK: History isn’t dead, it’s waiting for revenge.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Mailman’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure.

VISION: First, I want to write scripts that I can be proud of and say what I want to say. Not being an idiot, I also want to sell them.

GENRE: Feature – Dramatic Triangle.

TITLE: Greenvale Plantation.

LOGLINE: Two children, one a Black slave and the other the White plantation owner's son, are raised together until the Civil War separates them. Decades later, the now successful Black businessman reunites with the White son, but their past rekindles a deadly rivalry.

HOOK: History isn’t dead, it’s waiting for revenge.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Mailman’s Intentional Lead Characters

PROTAGONIST: Plato, a slave bought as a child to be the companion and protector of the Greenvale Plantation owners’ young son, Leon, is freed after the Civil War. He returns to Greenvale decades later to resolve issues between them.

ANTAGONIST: Leon, now owner of the failing plantation, resents Plato’s success but needs him to save the plantation. Leon’s resentment of Plato drives him insane.

TRIANGLE CHARACTER: Sybille, a voodoo queen, was raped by Leon and Plato as teenagers to re-establish their feelings of manhood, after they became homosexual lovers.

• This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Mailman’s Transformational Journey
PROTAGONIST: Plato, a slave bought as a child to be the companion and protector of the Greenvale Plantation owners’ young son, Leon, is freed after the Civil War. He returns to Greenvale decades later to resolve secret issues between them.

ANTAGONIST: Leon, now owner of the failing Greenvale plantation, resents Plato’s success but needs him to save the plantation. That resentment of Plato drives Leon insane.

TRIANGLE CHARACTER: Sybelle , a voodoo priestess, is raped by Leon and Plato as teenagers. to reaffirm their feelings of manhood after they became lovers.

Plato Old Ways:
1. Plato begins life as a frightened child slave.
2. Raised with Leon, his master’s on, he takes on a master’s outlook, creating internal conflicts.
3. He becomes Leon’s lover. Conflicted with his homosexuality, he participates in Sybelle’s rape.
4. Leon’s sister seduces him. He is castrated.
5. He is freed at the end of the Civil War.
Plato New Ways:
1. Plato goes to DC and becomes successful and an activist.
2. Plato returns to Greenvale to help Leon and resolve the issues between them. He brings his pregnant wife. Alternate: Leon’s wife is pregnant.
3. Plato becomes the target of Leon’s insanity and is forced to defend himself.

Leon Old Ways
1. Is raised as a Master.
2. Is weaker than Plato but acts stronger
3. Is a racist.

Leon New Ways:
1. Frightened as his world collapses.
2. Resents help, especially from Plato.
3. Still racist and arrogant.

Sybelle Old Ways:
1. Raised innocent, wild, free, and proud.

Sybelle New Ways
1. Outraged, vengeful, implacable.

[David Mailman]

MAILMAN’S SUBTEXT PLOT
GENRE: Feature – Dramatic Triangle.

TITLE: Greenvale Plantation.

LOGLINE: Two children, one a Black slave and the other the White plantation owner’s son, are raised together until the Civil War separates them. Decades later, the now successful Black businessman reunites with the White son, but their past rekindles a deadly rivalry.

HOOK: History isn’t dead, it’s waiting for revenge.

PROTAGONIST: Plato, a slave bought as a child to be the companion and protector of the Greenvale Plantation owners’ young son, Leon, is freed after the Civil War. He returns to Greenvale decades later to resolve secret issues between them.

ANTAGONIST: Leon, now owner of the failing Greenvale plantation, resents Plato’s success but needs him to save the plantation. That resentment of Plato drives Leon insane.

TRIANGLE CHARACTER: Sybelle , a voodoo priestess, is raped by Leon and Plato as teenagers. to reaffirm their feelings of manhood after they became lovers.

Give us a few sentences on how your Subtext Plot will play out inside this story.

Scheme and Investigation
Plato is recruited by the Freedman’s Bureau to investigate his one-time master who might be the new head of the KKK. The situation is made more complex by sexual and power issues between them and others on the plantation.

Layering
Plato returns to the plantation where he was a slave to help his one-time master save it. Secretly he wants to get revenge on him and his sister who were responsible for his castration.

A Major Cover Up
Leon invites Plato back to the plantation to heal the wounds between them. Plato learns that John Wilkes Booth took refuge at the plantation and is still there.

Competitive Agendas
Plato rejoins Leon at the plantation to reconcile but Sybelle uses her knowledge of drugs to drive Leon insane and threaten Plato and his pregnant wife.

[David Mailman]

My Name is David Mailman.
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[David Mailman]

My Name is David Mailman.
I’ve finished two scripts to my satisfaction. I have several others in various degrees of completion.
I enrolled in this course to finish a third script. I hope to gain mastery enough to sell scripts or at the least to write better.
I am 86 years old. I was a professor of physiology for 41 years. I consider movies the highest art form so after I retired, 20-years-ago, I spent five years making amateurish movies that were shown on local TV or sold on Amazon (A Life of the Sea; The Jim Manzollillo Story). After ten years of travelling, reading, and eating, I decided I had enough indolence, and started script writing.

[David Mailman]

Your ending is super. I was tearing up. Not a false note in it. Only one minor suggestion: “Don’t cry for me” calls to mind Evita. We could cut and paste. It would be awkward. Let me think about it.

[David Mailman]

David’s Amazing Opening Scene!

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Another technique for focusing on one part of a script at a time and having many ways to solve the problem. I have been trying to use each possible way to improve the goal from the various lessons and force myself to come up with one for every one of them, even if I don’t like the results.

1. Look through the 10 Openings above and brainstorm at least
three other opening scenes for your script. Give us a one paragraph
synopsis of the three possible opening scenes.
2. Tell us the one you’ve decided upon (even if it is the original) and
post the entire scene below (the “before” version).

3. Rewrite it, making it as provocative as possible and focus on three things: B. Take it to an extreme. C. Unique/interesting Conflict. D. Use loaded words and images.

9. INTRIGUING SCENE FROM ANOTHER PLACE IN THE MOVIE AND 5. THE VO THAT’S UNUSUAL.

NEW OPENING

EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING

This is the same scene as the end of scene 92.

The deck is stacked with boxes, floats, and fuel barrels. A compressor stands at the stern. The deck railing has a rack of tanks and some dive knives. A rope and life-ring are attached to the railing.

SCUBA gear is thrown around the deck. A whiskey and beer bottle and three glasses roll around. LENNY and JACK lie face down, apparently dead. They are dressed in similar work clothes. Blood splatters the deck.

JASON (O.S.)

(in the water)

Help me! Please! Help me!

PAUL crawls to the railing, favoring his bleeding arm. His hands are handcuffed in front of him with plastic handcuffs. His left hand is bandaged. He holds a sword in his right. The sword is rusted in spots and the blade is partly eaten away. The hilt of the sword is gold and encrusted with gems. Blood drips from it. It doesn’t glitter any more.

Paul sees JASON struggling in the water. Waves obscure Jason’s face and voice. Paul takes a long look at the rope and life-ring attached to the railing.

Paul uses the sword to cut the handcuffs. He gets up, moves to the wheel, and throttles up.

The cries for help turn to SCREAMS. Paul looks back and sees only a few shark fins at the end of the boat’s wake.

PAUL (V.O.)

I turned eighteen a few months ago. I was easy-going and soft. I’d go out of my way to pet animals. Today I let a man die and I feel good about it because I’ve learned that there are sons-of-bitches that need to roast in Hell.

OLD OPENING BELOW FOLLOWS NEW

ON SCREEN CARDS

1798 TAMPICO MEXICO THE FORT OF THE SPANISH INQUISITION

next

THE INQUISITION NEEDS GOLD. THEIR LAST CHANCE TO REESTABLISH THEIR TERROR OF THE LAST 300 YEARS.

INT. FORT ROOM 1798 – DAY

Cold stone walls with windows look out on the port where the galleon, the Santa Elena, lies moored to the pier.

A black-robed Spanish INQUISITOR ONE, 35, sits at a table loaded with food. He delicately chews on a large rib. A large cross hangs on the wall in back of him. The cross-part has a medallion with the design of an ornate church.

A dozen emaciated Indian corpses are strewn in a corner.

Suddenly, the eyes of one INDIAN CORPSE, 12, open and stare at Inquisitor One. He looks at the Indian. Blesses a bone. Throws it at the Indian.

The Indian Corpse moans, crawls to the bone, and gnaws it like a dog. He makes SNUFFLING noises

Inquisitor One looks irritated at the noise. He throws down the pie he is eating. Wipes his mouth with a large napkin. He gets up and walks to the Indian Corpse, throws the napkin over the boy’s head and steps on it. There is a CRACK.

Inquisitor One walks into the…

I took the new opening scene from the end of the search where Paul has found the treasure and defeated all of the Inquisitor Cult. He has toughened up after all the danger he went through and let a Cultist die. It is not apparent that this is near the end of the movie. Some of Paul’s crew may be dead. It is not known who they are or their coming role in the film. The significance of the sword is not known.

I might use this “Moving Scene” new opening. I haven’t decided yet. The problem with the script is that first four pages are set in 1789 Mexico. I like them because they show the origin of the treasure, the viciousness of the Inquisition, a real hero to contrast with Paul’s father an accidental hero, the setup with the golden sword, and the scenes are dramatic. Then there is another “flashback”. Only then does Paul appear. Usually, the protagonist appears on the first page. The new opening does that. But are there too many flashbacks?

3. THE SHOCKING OPENING

EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – NIGHT

The veranda. The Grand Inquisitor (in his robes), Jake, and Carlos face a FATHER, MOTHER, and LITTLE GIRL (wearing pink gym shoes) who are tied up, on their knees, on the ground.

GRAND INQUISITOR

You were caught trying to leave the family. Your desertion put our whole family at risk of Hell. Do you have anything to say?

FATHER

It was all my fault. Please, for the love of God, let them go.

GRAND INQUISITOR

Don’t blaspheme. All must share the guilt. You know the rules.

The three start screaming and begging.

LITTLE GIRL

Mommy! Mommy! What’s going to happen?

MOTHER

She’s only six! Please. She won’t say anything. She’s a baby.

FATHER

No! No! Kill me now. I can’t watch. Please.

The Inquisitor walks a short distance to where a fallen tree lies partly on land and partly in the bayou. He takes a club from where it is hanging and pounds on the tree. Alligators surface from the bayou.

GRAND INQUISITOR

They haven’t forgotten.

He walks to the veranda, sits down, pours iced tea, and watches. The alligators start across the land toward the family. The screams get louder.

GRAND INQUISITOR (CONT’D)

(to Jake and Carlos) Want some tea? There’s plenty. It’s unsweetened.

Jake looks away and holds his stomach. Carlos bends over the railing and retches.

The screams have stopped. The tea pitcher is empty. Alligators go back to the bayou. Some carry large pieces of flesh, with bits of cloth attached, in their jaws. Finally, a small one comes along with a small leg and foot in a pink gym shoe.

GRAND INQUISITOR (CONT’D)

Now, let’s focus on getting the map and destroying that sacrilegious Mouton family. I want them begging to die by the end of the month.

This opening seems too Fu Manchu. It might have been too unpleasant to have in a PG 13 film, even a hard one. However, kids that age are bloodthirsty, and I would have left the decision up to a producer.

If used, I probably would follow this with the script beginning at the scene with Paul’s father’s death. I don’t’ know where the 1789 Mexico scenes would go. I don’t want to throw them away.

[David Mailman]

David’s Amazing 3rd Act
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” By luck, mostly, my third act fit the Rules. I’m sure they can be improved with more thought in my next rewrite.
1. Write a paragraph or two telling the setup (from 1st and 2nd Acts) for your ending. Make sure and include the specific setups that are paid off in the 3rd Act.

The first act starts with the history of the treasure of the Santa Elena. The Spanish Inquisition rules Mexico and slaughters Aztecs for their gold. The Inquisitors load the last of their gold on board the Santa Elena that sinks in a storm in 1798. The Inquisitors are shown as ruthless, amoral, and relentless creatures. The map of where the Santa Elena went down is stolen by a family of Cajuns. A Cult of Inquisitors begins a search for the map. There is a secret to the map and the treasure remains lost.

Paul’s father is killed in a heroic rescue. Paul is intimidated by his memory and becomes timid and soft. He reads a lot to escape and because he is smart. Paul is eighteen years old when attacked by the Cult. He is told by his uncle Jack he belongs to the treasure hunting family. The two groups have been fighting for two hundred years. Lenny is also a member of the crew. The Grand Inquisitor is the Antagonist. Santos, a junior member of the Cult, is Paul’s Nemesis since beginning high school. Later Jason, a marine archeologist, is enlisted by Paul to help in the hunt. Paul and his family are repeatedly attacked by the Cult but escape.

Paul discovers the secret of the map and his crew set sail for it. Paul’s crew is attacked at sea in a pitched battle above and below the water. Paul prevails when he overcomes his greatest fear. The Cult is destroyed. The crew finds the treasure in one last desperate dive. He is betrayed by one of the crew. He overcomes the attacker. He sails home, triumphant.

SETUPS

A golden sword belonging to the captain of the Santa Elena.

Paul is especially fearful of spiders and uncle Jack has a pet tarantula. Captain Jack tells Paul he was deathly afraid of spiders too at one time. Paul has to face and overcome his fears.

Jack says he’ll see the Grand Inquisitor go out like “A mackerel in a school of sharks.”

Paul dumps garbage overboard and shudders when sharks rip into it.

Paul doesn’t drink whiskey.

The best thing Paul’s mother could say about Paul’s father was he didn’t drink. Lenny drinks beer constantly and treats Paul as a pal.

2. List out the Current Structural Beats of your 3rd Act in your post.
The crew set out to dive for the treasure.

At sea for four days. It looks like another failure. Lenny and Jason are diving. The Cult boat approaches. The attack begins.

As the Cult’s boat passes over the divers Carlos throws out animal blood to attract sharks.

Jack guns the engine and just avoids being rammed by the Cult’s boat.

The Cult jams radio transmission. The Grand Inquisitor comes on deck.

Paul finds the ammo for their guns has been stolen. Their radio is jammed.

The Cult’s boat chases Jack’s boat. Shark fins converge on the divers.

Jack and Paul head to the shrimper fleet for help. The Cult’s boat is gaining. Paul throws out nets on floats that threaten to foul the props on the Cult’s boat. It stops.

Jack’s boat gains but they realize the divers are almost out of air and they turn back. Paul catches Carlos in their nets as they pass.

Jake cuts the nets before Carlos is dragged overboard. He ties the end to a capstan and pulls the boats together.

Carlos boards Paul’s boat.

The Tarantula is freed from its cage. Paul sees the spider and, overcoming his fear, throws it at Carlos. Carlos panics and jumps overboard.

Paul ignites the Cult’s boat with a flare gun.

Paul steers near the dive site. He cuts his hand and swirls it in the water to draw off the sharks from the divers. It doesn’t work.

A shark from underneath Paul’s boat almost bites his hand off. Paul stabs it, and it bleeds enough to attract the other sharks.

The sharks swim away and the divers surface.

The Cult’s boat is pouring smoke. The Grand Inquisitor glares at Paul. A Coast Guard helicopter comes

The Grand Inquisitor pours a bucket of blood and guts on himself. He steps into the water. Sharks quickly gather.

The crew almost miss a strong signal from the sonar. They figure another false alarm and want to head home. Paul sees the Tarantula, loose on the deck, and puts it back in its cage. Everyone is shamed by Paul’s lack of fear. They dive one last time.

Lenny and Jason pull up some tarred ratlines. At their end, trapped in them, is the glittering hilt of the Spanish Captain’s sword.

Jason gives Lenny and Jack drugged whiskey. He reveals to Paul that he is one of the Cultists. Paul tricks Jason and defeats him. A wounded Jason falls overboard. Paul does not rescue him.

Paul and Sandy make up.

Pal and Sandy are the heroes of the school. Santos comes in wanting to fight. Paul knocks him down with a book. Lenny, Jack, and Janet find happiness. Paul and Sandy wear gold medallions of the Santa Elena.

Paul realizes Sandy was one of the Treasures of the Santa Elena.

LAST LINES.

PAUL

You know, another thing. When Santos walked in here, all I saw was a big, hairy spider.

SANDY

What!

[David Mailman]

David’s Most Memorable Line

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” In the script, I cut out a lot of dialogue and used action as much as I could. There were relatively few lines that weren’t conversations that dealt with decisions. All the lines I showed in this Lesson were new and added. I don’t think I will use any of them.

2. Give us the scene, the line you are rewriting, and a clear statement of the meaning you want that line to deliver.

3. Ask yourself, what does this line need? Brainstorm 10 – 20 new versions of the line.

The first treasure hunt fails. The crew break up in anger.

A. LENNY. I didn’t expect to be working with his useless son. How about a spider for a going-away present? PAUL You bastards make me sick. Go to Hell. Paul stalks out.

ADDED LINE PAUL. /You’re all losers. /Find it on your own. /Why did I tie up to you jerks? /I’m back to where I started. /Get drunk and shove it.

Paul breaks up with Sandy. He is depressed at losing the treasure, his crew and career. He takes it out on Sandy.

B. PAUL. Carlton Oil! Those are the bastards that wouldn’t give us a cent for my father’s death.

That’s why we’re living the way we are. All those greedy fat cats living high on the hog while we live like pigs. SANDY. Are you blaming my father or me? Legal makes those decisions. My father is a good person. I’m offering help. My father can help. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and act like a man. Paul, furious, kicks his chair out and stalks off.

ADDED LINE PAUL. /No one calls me a coward. /I can do better than you. /You think you’re so damn special. /You need to fit in. /You’ve always had it so easy. You don’t know what it’s like.

Janet realizes Paul’s father wasted his life.

C. JANET. OK. The last time. I don’t want you to follow in your father’s footsteps.

ADDED LINE Your father was a selfish, stupid bastard. /The Hell with heroics. /Cowards live to come home to their family. /Your father never had any luck he could see. /Your father couldn’t see what was in his own home.

The family agrees to one last treasure hunt. Paul has completely committed.

D. PAUL. I’m for one more trip. Can’t you feel that we’re getting closer? It’s like fate is pushing us. I can’t leave this now. There are too many things riding on it. LENNY OK. I haven’t lost anything yet. JACK. I owe one more look to all me family. PAUL. Mother, I have to go. I need to go. I can’t deal with the failure of not going.

ADDED LINE /Can I go through life without trying? /Just think about a mountain of gold. /Dad would have wanted this. /What did Dad die for? /We can end all this. /The adventure of the century. /No more fear. /We’ll be famous.

E. Paul has forced his last enemy over the side of his boat. His attitude has changed from forgiving to punishment for injury.

Paul crawls to the railing, favoring his bleeding arm. He sees Jason struggling in the water. He takes a long look at the rope and life-ring attached to the railing. He uses the sword to cut the handcuffs. He gets up, moves to the wheel, and throttles up.

ADDED LINE. PAUL. /No more mister nice guy. /I am not in a giving vein today. /Say hello to your boss when you get down there. /I hope the sharks feel playful today. /Another professor who didn’t get tenure. /Time to see “Jaws” again. /Publish or perish.

Paul broke up with Sandy and now, knowing he was wrong, wants to make up.

F. 90. INT. MALL – DAY Sandy sits at a table drinking coffee and working on something. Paul walks up and stands by a chair. He looks hangdog and apologetic. His arm is in a sling. Sandy does not look up. A minute passes.

ADDED LINE PAUL /If this puppy followed you home, would you keep him. /Behold the hero returns. /Sorry, I really screwed up. /Forgive me. /I almost got fed to sharks. Not seeing you again would be worse.

Sandy pushes the chair out with her foot.

ADDED LINE SANDY /You’d better be housebroken. /You’re not a hero to me. Yet. /Let me consider the proposition. /Make me an offer I can’t refuse. /I can make allowances for idiots.

G. Janet, Paul’s mother, is kidnapped by the Cult. Sandy gets her friends to invade the Cult’s headquarters by saying there are tremendous bargains there. The resulting riot brings the police to enter the house. Janet was an assassin years previously. Sandy wants to meet Paul’s mother.

A POLICEWOMAN leads Janet, hysterical, down the stairs. Sandy leaves her car, goes up to them, and hands the leash to the Policewoman. She puts her arm around Janet. SANDY. Good afternoon Mrs. Mouton. My name is Sandy. I’m Paul’s friend.

ADDED LINE JANET /Damn. Five more minutes and I’d ‘ve killed the last of them. /Were those your friends? Typical teenagers. /I was more frightened of those girls than that Cult. /It’s a good thing I wasn’t wearing Prada.

H. FINALE. Paul has defeated his antagonist, the Grand Inquisitor, and found the treasure.

PAUL. I can’t get over how good everything is. Finding a treasure makes life awesome.

SANDY Which treasure is that? PAUL What do you mean? Which treasure? Everyone knows we got a big cut of the gold. Sandy stands, arms akimbo, and gives Paul a “C’mon Bozo, you can do better than that” look. Paul stares at her, then gives a sheepish grin and puts his arm around her.

ADDED LINE PAUL /Just don’t ask me to go to a church again. /Better than gold. /All that’s glitter is not gold. /Worth every scare. /Worth every doubloon. /Softer than gold. /All that’s gold is not glitter. /What do we do next?

I. LAST LINES. Spiders were Paul’s worst fear. He overcame his fear to defeat his enemies.

PAUL. You know, another thing. When Santos walked in here, all I saw was a big, hairy spider.

ADDED LINE SANDY /What! He didn’t need a shave that badly.

[David Mailman]

David loves separating character dialogue!
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” This discipline is very helpful in focusing. When I started this script, I had very good ideas about character profiles. I wrote the original dialogue with those in mind. I couldn’t find any significant dialogue belonging to Paul, Grand Inquisitor, Jack, and Sandy that didn’t fit the characters in this exercise. So, no posting other than this.

I will try it next focusing on active vs passive voice.

[David Mailman]

David’s Elevated Scene Structures

“What I learned from doing this assignment is…?” I had to cheat on this one. I could only come up with one change although it could fit three structures. This is a difficult exercise for me. I can’t come up with alternative scene structures from existing scenes. Maybe, if I’m writing new ones, I’ll be able to work them in from the beginning. I will keep trying this assignment.

I was trying to show the event that turned Paul’s dad into a hero. Paul is faced with this to the point he can’t live up to the story and he withdraws. So, I changed the scene to show one or more of Superior Position, Irony or Misinterpretation. However, the structure change affects later scenes where Paul doesn’t realize he is living a myth.

ORIGINAL

Someone died in a heroic rescue. There is a nautical situation. Paul’s dad.

5. EXT. A GULF OIL RIG TODAY – DAY

A large sign says, “CARLTON OIL”.

…Smoke, fire, gouts of flame erupt from the rig. Men clamber down the stairs to…

…two trawlers wait near the rig. One loads survivors. Men scramble aboard. The other trawler stands off as backup.

Those on the boat hold it against the rig to let others board.

No one else comes down the stairs. Both boats pull away.

One last person appears on the stairs. The empty boat turns back. Just as the survivor enters it, the rig EXPLODES in flames…

PAUL (O.S.)

DAD!

Paul is depressed. He is besieged by his father’s memory. He is angry.

6. INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY

PAUL MOUTON, 18, watches a news tape of the death of his father. He wears pajamas. The clock shows noon.

CHANGED TO

EXT. A GULF OIL RIG TODAY – DAY

Two trawlers are tied up to an oil rig. The two captains, Jack and Paul’s father, talk to some riggers at the base of the stairs. Suddenly there is an explosion and fires start. Paul’s father immediately starts his engines and panicked, pulls away.

Jack yells at him and makes a “come back” gesture while he loads the riggers who have come down the stairs. No more riggers come, and Jack pulls away.

Meanwhile Paul’s father’s boat hits a piling on the way out and his rudder jams. He turns in a circle back to the rig and hits it. He frantically tries to steer out. One last rigger comes down the stairs and the rig blows engulfing Paul’s father’s boat.

PAUL (O.S.)

DAD!

6. INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY

PAUL MOUTON, 18, watches a news tape of the death of his father. It shows only the last part of the rig explosion where Paul’s father’s boat is nearing the rig. Paul wears pajamas. The clock shows noon.

[David Mailman]

David’s Dramatic Scene Transitions

“What I learned from doing this assignment is…?” It’s a lot easier to do scene transitions than change scene structure. I already had a lot of transitions other than flow. I tended to build them in first time.
Select at least three scene transitions you’d like to improve and
“try on” each of the following transitions to see which works best.
Give us the two scenes with a Before and After on the transition
between them. CAPS INDICATE THE SCENE CHANGES

A. JANET

And don’t spend all night in the library. I don’t care what the librarian said.

Paul closes the book.

Dressed, Paul opens his window and pets a BLACK CAT. He leaves to see his Uncle Jack.

11. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY

Paul walks toward Jack’s boat. A BLACK CAT CROSSES HIS PATH. PAUL HESITATES. Paul boards captain JACK’s trawler, moored at a dock. Several other trawlers are moored further on.

B. Santos walks behind Paul and looks over his shoulder. He reaches around in front of Paul. He has a switchblade concealed in his hand and opens it. The edge points up towards Paul’s neck. Paul squeals and Sandy gasps. Santos reverses the edge and cuts deeply into the book Paul was reading. Santos laughs and walks away.

27. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY

Paul climbs aboard and finds Lenny drinking beer, with whiskey nearby. LENNY IS GUTTING FISH WITH A KNIFE.

C. Paul and captain Jack have barely enough strength to nod their heads.

Paul dumps scraps over the side and several sharks immediately attack them, churning the water in their feeding.

Paul shudders.

He goes into the deckhouse and cringes when he suddenly realizes he is close to the Tarantula. PAUL SNAPS OPEN A CAN OF SOFT DRINK.

39. INT. BAR – NIGHT

Paul, Jack, and Lenny sit in a booth. PAUL SNAPS OPEN A CAN OF SOFT DRINK. Jack and Lenny drink whiskey and beer. Still exhausted and grimy. All really angry at Paul.

PAUL

I don’t understand. What went wrong? We were in the right place.

D. PRINCIPAL (CONT’D)

Paul, I’ve known you for years. It’s hard for me to believe this of you. But we all know how much you need a scholarship. This allegation makes all your past achievements suspect.

Until we look into this further, I have no choice but to suspend you from school and refer this problem to the authorities. I’m sorry.

Paul leaves, stunned. HE IS SLUMPED AND HANGDOG.

44. INT. MALL – DAY

PAUL IS SLUMPED AND HANGDOG. He walks to a table where Sandy is waiting. Sandy looks concerned, touches his arm, and pulls him down.

PEOPLE walk and sit around them.

E. LENNY (CONT’D)

Can I use this shotgun or does that head son-of-a-bitch need a stake through his heart?

PAUL

The gun will do.

LENNY DRAGS ROBES AND A HOOD OUT OF THE BAG.

52. EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – NIGHT

At the door. Lenny’s face is concealed by a hood and gown. He drags a tied-up Paul who whimpers and pleads.

PAUL

Please let me go. I won’t say anything. I’ll tell you anything you want. Don’t hurt me. Please.

F. LENNY (CONT’D)

Do you know what I hate most about modern society?

Paul and Jack, perplexed, stare at Lenny.

LENNY (CONT’D)

The acts of senseless vandalism.

He throws the kerosene lantern into the house and blasts it with the shotgun. Flames rapidly spread.

54. INT. PAUL’S HOME LIVING ROOM – DAY

A FIRE IS BLAZING IN THE FIREPLACE.

JANET

You keep going on these wild goose chases. You don’t know if that map is right or wrong. How do you know if that ship even had a treasure?

[David Mailman]

David’s Meaningful Action
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Using a Beat Sheet helped focus on the slow places or unemotional dialogue.

I included some of the revised character descriptions from Lesson 8 here too.

1. This scene introduces Paul in the present situation with his mother, Janet, and dead father. It sets the tone for characters Paul, Janet, and Uncle Jack. I added the insert to suggest Janet may have a violent past.

11. INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY 7

[[His mother, JANET MOUTON, 40, enters and turns off the tape. She is worried at Paul’s inertia. Janet is good-looking but harried. Frugally well-dressed. She looks as if she wouldn’t say boo to a goose. She might be tough if she had to. She resents her dead husband but won’t admit it.]]

JANET

[[(excessive)

We all miss having him around. He was the most wonderful person in the world. He was always helping other people. There can never be another like him. He really cared for us. Don’t worry. We’ll get by.]]

[[JANET. You did enjoy going to those silly movies with him. The ones where the whole plot was making dum – dums so they can go all the way through a person and smash something to pieces in back of them.

PAUL. I thought they were stupid, but Dad enjoyed them.

JANET. They were stupid. You’d think all those high-paid writers would know the whole point of dum-dums or hollow points was to have its power used up completely inside a person. If a bullet went all the way through, it would be wasted energy. PAUL. How did you know that? JANET. Everyone knows that.]]

Dressed, Paul opens his window and pets a BLACK CAT. He leaves to see his Uncle Jack.

2. I wanted to make the Grand Inquisitor more vicious but simultaneously explain what made him and provide a little sympathy for him.

[[14. INT. CULTS DUNGEON, ABOUT 40 YEARS AGO – DAY 13

A dark, gloomy room that smells of misery and pain. An OLD INQUISITOR, evil beyond his years, is talking to a YOUNG BOY, the Grand Inquisitor, at eight-years-old. The Old Inquisitor is dressed in his Inquisitor robes and holds a leather strap. He walks around the boy, who is shirtless and seated on a stool. The Young Boy’s back is scarred with lash marks. He tries to suppress a whimper. He is fighting for self-control. He knows what will happen if he cries out.

OLD INQUISITOR Who were the first Inquisitors? YOUNG BOY Miguel de Morillo and Juan de San Martín, Your Eminence. OLD INQUISITOR Very good. What was the purpose of the Inquisition? YOUNG BOY To bring enlightenment to the world. To bring all to Heaven who accept our rule and destroy all others. OLD INQUISITOR (Shaking his strap) How is this purpose fulfilled? YOUNG BOY By obeying without question our glorious Grand Inquisitor. OLD INQUISITOR You are an apt pupil. You will go far in our holy crusade. Do you still have that puppy we gave you on your birthday? YOUNG BOY Oh yes. I love him. He’s my best friend. We’re never apart. OLD INQUISITOR Good. Next Sunday, I want you to bring the dog to our service and cut his throat in front of the congregation. YOUNG BOY (suppresses a whimper, hesitates) It will be done.]]

3. I needed to start the action and Inciting Incident earlier. So, I moved Paul’s beating in the library to page 15. Introduced the beating to introduce the map on page 19.

21. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT 19

[[Captain Jack and LENNY FELDER,37, rugged and tough, with a beer at his side, look intently at something on the chart table. Lenny is an engineering type. Happiest when tinkering or using machinery. Learned in the military and toughened there too. Liked to work all over the world for the adventure and pay but now getting tired of being unattached and uncommitted. A good friend.]]

Paul approaches from the dock. He hesitates and listens to their discussion before they notice him.

[[PAUL. But I had a problem tonight. Those Doucets beat the Hell out of me and asked for a map. Do you know anything about that?]]

I wouldn’t be here if I thought it was crazy, and I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t checked it out. Lenny walks out and checks the dock.

4. I introduced a second secret here. I made a code in the map that required Paul to try to sneak into the Cult’s house to get a secret symbol. This allowed me to add action when he tries to break in and to show his mother was a hit man for their family in the past when she rescues Paul.

26. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS 24

JACK. They didn’t know a mess of those devil priests from the Canary Islands were sent to …

[[PAUL. What’s this mean? Paul points to the map. JACK. It translates as “By our scared sign this map will be true.” Just some swearing on their order’s faith. PAUL. It seems like a strange thing to write. Why wouldn’t it be true? He must have known he was being hunted. It sounds like a code. What is their sacred sign? LENNY. We hit all the books we could think of. I couldn’t find anything like that. It’s just a thing you put in a letter. PAUL. Anyway, this whole treasure thing is a joke even if the map is real, which it isn’t.]]

He buries the tube in the sand at the bottom of the terrarium.

5. Here is a suggestion that Janet was dangerous in the past.

34. INT. JACK’S HOUSE – NIGHT 34

Jack, Lenny, Paul, and JANET sit at a table. Thoughtful, quiet, playing with their coffee mugs.

LENNY I can’t think of a way. They’re always around.

[[JACK. Maybe we could have some explosions the way that happened about ten years ago. JANET. Shut up! We’re not going to have any explosions. Don’t you recall what happened? PAUL. What are you talking about? JACK. We had some problems with one of the families. It didn’t work out well for anybody.]]

One day, I looked at it, and all I saw was a big, hairy spider. You got to do the same, sometimes.

6. Paul goes to find the secret symbol.

56. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY 59

JANET. You keep going on these wild goose chases. You don’t know if that map is right or wrong. PAUL. I don’t know.

[[PAUL. We still haven’t gotten anywhere. Hasn’t anyone thought about that sacred symbol yet?

56A. EXT. CULT’S HOUSE BACK ALLEY – NIGHT

Pitch black, almost. One window at the top back of the house is lit with flickering candlelight. There is a board fence about eight-feet high around the back.

He eyes the fence and drags trash barrels and boxes from the alley so he can get over. He hasn’t thought too deeply about getting back. All around, everything is getting eerier and more frightening.

He climbs the fence and as soon as he gets his head over the top – A FACE FROM THE PITS OF HELL MAKING UNEARTHLY SHRIEKS FROM ITS FANG-FILLED MOUTH POPS UP JUST IN FRONT OF HIM. Paul yells and falls off the barrel, landing hard. Meanwhile, the horrible FACE morphs into an UGLY DOG.

The noise attracts movement in the window. The black-robed figure of the Inquisitor appears at the window and stares directly at Paul. Paul sees him, shudders, and picks himself up. Paul pulls his shirt out and feels the front and back. He tugs his shirt down to cover the top of his pants. He pissed and shat himself.

PAUL. Damn it! He limps away.

A dark-clothed figure slinks after Paul, following him down the alley.

Paul limps down the dark street. He hears footsteps. He turns. Nothing there. He keeps walking. A dark figure ducks from one doorway to the next. A knife gleams in his hand. Another sound. No one there. Paul approaches a cross street. The man with the knife lurks in the shadows. Paul gets closer and closer. The man crouches lower and lower. As Paul nears the street, there is a THUNK and a sound of something softly falling to the ground.

Paul passes the cross street. Hands come out of the darkness and grab Paul around the neck. Paul screams.

JANET. Shut up. I didn’t think you were so big an idiot. Do you think I was married to your father for seventeen years without knowing what was going on and not doing something? You just wait till I get you home, young man.]]

7. I needed the Grand Inquisitor to think he was going to Heaven, or he wouldn’t have jumped.

88. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – DAY 78

Jake and Carlos still try to put out the fire.

[[Grand Inquisitor. (to Paul) How can a foolish youth destroy two hundred years of moral perfection? You will burn in Hell. (looking up) We tried but failed. I beg your forgiveness. I will soon be with you in Heaven. We can rule together. I demand to skip Purgatory.

He steps on the rail and leaps into the water. Sharks quickly gather. The Grand Inquisitor smiles beatifically, ecstatically that lasts till the first shark bite.]]

[David Mailman]

David’s Elevated Story Beats

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” It really does make it easier to find weak points in your script when you have a concise Beat Sheet to refer to. It focuses attention.

1. I needed to show that Paul’s father was not the terrific parent that everyone held up as a model for Paul. So, I added FLASHBACKS to show he was absent.

2. Also, I added excessive praise by Paul’s mother to suggest subtext that he wasn’t a good husband either.

6. (E9) INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY

PAUL MOUTON, 18, watches a news tape of the death of his father. He is cynical. Framed newspaper articles about “Hero Sea Captain” are on the wall.

BEGIN FLASHBACKS

6A. (E7) EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

PAUL AT TEN plays soccer in a game with other ten-year-olds. Paul Ten controls the ball downfield. He stops it, and an opponent rushes past him. Paul Ten keeps going. Two other opponents come diagonally at him, between Paul Ten and the goal. Paul Ten stops for a second and kicks it between the challengers, missing them by barely a foot. The ball hits the far pole and bounces into the net.

Fans cheer. Paul Ten looks at the spectators. His mother stands, clapping like crazy. Next to her is an empty seat with her purse saving it for the absent dad.

6B. (E7) INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY

PAUL AT FIFTEEN stands on stage as part of a debate team. The CHAIRPERSON and the TWO TEAMS OF TWO are in blazers and slacks. The chairperson is handing Paul Fifteen a trophy. The crowd stands and claps. Paul Fifteen looks at the empty seat beside his mother.

6C. (E7) PAUL AT SEVENTEEN walks by an athletic field where a baseball team is practicing. Some players wave to him. Paul Seventeen waves disinterestedly back.

END FLASHBACKS

6D. (E9) INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY

Paul’s mother, Janet, tells him they are not getting compensation from the oil company. <s></s>

JANET

(excessive)

We all miss having him around. He was the most wonderful person in the world. He was always helping other people. There can never be another like him. He really cared for us. Don’t worry. We’ll get by.

3. I wanted to reinforce the hold the Cult had over its disciples. So, I added a graphic description of what they believed would happen to them if they disobeyed.

JAKE

(BEFORE AND AFTER)

Shut up. This is Church business. We can’t get out. We’ll go to Hell if we give up. Dis is what our family does.

(AFTER)

Don’t yu know what’s goin to happen to you if you go to Hell? You’re goin to sit on a red-hot bar between your legs. Rats are goin to eat their way up. Devils are going to pour boiling lead down your gullet and it’s coming out your ass.

What’s wrong wit you? Don’t faint on me now.

4. I wanted to show how conditioned the Grand Inquisitor was to be as evil as he is by a FLASHBACK.

INT. CULTS DUNGEON, ABOUT 40 YEARS AGO – DAY

A dark gloomy room that smells of misery and pain. An OLD INQUISITOR, evil beyond his years, talks to a YOUNG BOY, 8, (the Grand Inquisitor at the time of the present story). The Old Inquisitor is dressed in his Inquisitor robes and holds a leather strap. He walks around the boy who is shirtless and seated on a stool. The Young Boy‘s back is scarred with lash marks. He tries to suppress a whimper. He is fighting for self-control. He knows what will happen if he cries out.

OLD INQUISITOR

Who were the first Inquisitors?

YOUNG BOY

Miguel de Morillo and Juan de San Martín, Your Eminence.

OLD INQUISITOR

Very good. What was the purpose of the Inquisition?

YOUNG BOY

To bring enlightenment to the world. To bring all to heaven who accept our rule and to destroy all others.

OLD INQUISITOR

(Shaking his strap)

How is this purpose fulfilled?

YOUNG BOY

By obeying without question our glorious Grand Inquisitor.

OLD INQUISITOR

You are an apt pupil. You will go far in our holy crusade. Do you still have that puppy we gave you on your birthday?

YOUNG BOY

Oh yes. I love him. He’s my best friend. We’re never apart.

OLD INQUISITOR

Good. Next Sunday, I want you to bring the dog to our service and cut his throat in front of the congregation.

YOUNG BOY

(suppresses a whimper, hesitates)

It will be done.

5. I wanted to make the Protagonist Paul more human. Also, I needed to find an ending for a minor character, Syd.

Santos WAILS and stumbles out of the library.

PAUL (CONT’D)

Wow! I thought I’d have to fight. I can breathe now. I forgot what being scared was like.

SANDY

You did wonderfully. You should be proud of yourself.

PAUL

I’m having trouble with my application to Harvard. How along are you?

SANDY

Let’s do them together. We can help Syd run for the school board there when we visit.

6. I changed a scene where Paul gets beaten to an earlier time to start the action earlier. This raised problems of chronology. How did Paul hide his bruises from his mother? When could he meet a character, Lenny, and have it fit the new timing? When could he learn about the map and treasure? So, I made the following changes in two scenes.

SANDY

I’m going to get you a shirt. Then get you home.

(joking)

Do you like pink satin?

What happens with your mother tomorrow?

PAUL

I won’t go home. I’ll go stay a few days with my uncle Jack. Help him with his boat. My mother would love that.

Sandy leaves.

SYD

Mistreat her and I’ll cut your balls off.

EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Captain Jack and LENNY FELDER,37, rugged and tough, with a beer at his side look intently at something on the chart table. Lenny is an engineering type. Happiest when tinkering or using machinery. Learned in the military and toughened there too. Liked to work all over the world for the adventure and pay but now getting tired of being unattached and uncommitted. A good friend.

Paul approaches from the dock.

He hesitates and listens to their discussion before they notice him.

JACK

We seerched that part of the Gulf dozens of times over the last ten years.

LENNY

Not with my side-scanning sonar. We can cover ten times the area and detect anything that size.

Paul enters the deckhouse and avoids the Tarantula. He gives Lenny a nod. Lenny nods back and drinks his beer.

PAUL

What’s going on?

JACK

Don’t creep up like that.

PAUL

Guilty conscience?

LENNY

Hi kid. How’s it going?

PAUL

OK. How about yourself?

LENNY

OK. New bruises?

PAUL

What do you mean?

LENNY

I mean you’ve been coming out on the losing end of fights. Your bruises have bruises. You can’t be that obnoxious.

PAUL

I don’t have any problems. Just some punks at school. I ignore them, mostly.

But I had a problem tonight. Those Doucets beat the Hell out of me and asked for a map. Do you know anything about that?

Jack starts pacing. Lenny and Jack look at each other.

LENNY

Better tell him.

PAUL

Who the Hell are you?

LENNY

Name’s Lenny Felder. I was one of the drillers that Jack saved. My dad was the guy who died on the rig with your dad. I owe your people for that.

7. & 8. There are still two situations I want to add and haven’t worked out how. Mostly this is to break up dialogue-heavy scenes.

7. I’d like to add Paul’s mother as a past conspirator in the family’s search for the treasure. Make her mean and tough, despite her present persona, with a past of danger and violence. Would this be too melodramatic? I can’t decide where to insert her.

8. I also need to add more action scenes related to the search for the treasure. I’m considering adding another secret that the Cult has. Paul’s family knows it exists but not what it is. Both the Cult’s and Cajun’s secrets are needed to solve the secret of the map. Paul has to sneak into the Cult’s house to get it. How can this be worked in, described, and realistic?

[David Mailman]

David’s Scene Ratings

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Something that I knew already, my tastes in movies are different from most. I wrote this script as a dramatic, rather than action, movie, and the action resulted from the situations. I realized that the scenes I considered important (personal and thoughtful interactions) were not as entertaining as some of the others.

3. At the top of your work, post your results. What were your high scenes, your low scenes, and what surprised you? Most of the most entertaining scenes were at the beginning and end of the script. The action scenes were entertaining. Most entertaining; 1-6, 8-10, 13, 34-35, 50, 59, 72, 79-81, 84-85. The dullest ones were transitions to go from one group of scenes to another or information.

1. First, give us your beat sheet and make sure it is numbered. That way, you can easily refer to the scenes you want to change.
2. Beginning with the LAST BEAT (at the bottom of the page), rate it on an Entertainment Scale of E1 (dull) to E10 (extremely entertaining)

Opening: pg. 1. Usually, it last 1 to 4 pages and should be as interesting as possible.

1. (E9) INT. FORT ROOM 1798 – DAY

The Inquisition is shown to be malicious, greedy, and intolerant by their mistreatment of the Aztec Indians …

2. (E9) INT. GOLD ROOM – CONTINUOUS

… and the fear of the Spanish captain of the treasure ship, the Santa Elena. The Spanish captain is showing off his new sword with a golden hilt.

3. (E6) INT. GOLD ROOM 1798 – EVENING

No one is in the room. The equipment is unused. Trash is scattered around. The Santa Elena is gone. A storm is coming.

4. (E9) EXT. DECK OF SANTA ELENA – NIGHT
The Santa Elena is wrecked in the Gulf of Mexico while carrying the gold to Spain. The Santa Elena pitches and rolls in a horrendous storm.

THUNDER, LIGHTNING, ST. ELMO’S FIRE IS MAKING A STROBE-LIGHT TABLEAU OF DEMON SAILORS IN A WILD FRENZY.

A wave obscures the Santa Elena. The wave recedes…

OR

4. (E9) EXT. BEACH, GULF COAST – DAY

The storm is over. Waves still high, rain, seaweed, flotsam, corpses washing about in the surf. Lifeboats are drawn up on the sand. Survivors gather around a fire. They describe the death of the Spanish captain when he tried to cut a trapped Inquisitor free from fallen rigging.)

5. (E9) EXT. A GULF OIL RIG, THE PRESENT – DAY

A burning oil rig. Two trawlers wait near the rig. One boards riggers. Both boats pull away. One last rigger appears. The empty boat turns back. The rig explodes in flames. This is a news tape.

6. (E9) INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY

PAUL MOUTON, 18, watches a news tape of the death of his father. He is cynical. Framed newspaper articles about “Hero Sea Captain” are on the wall. Paul’s mother, Janet, tells him they are not getting compensation from the oil company.

FLASHBACKS

6A. (E7) EXT. SOCCER FIELD – DAY

PAUL AT TEN plays soccer in a game with other ten-year-olds. Paul Ten controls the ball downfield. He stops it, and an opponent rushes past him. Paul Ten keeps going. Two other opponents come diagonally at him, between Paul Ten and the goal. Paul Ten stops for a second and kicks it between the challengers, missing them by barely a foot. The ball hits the far pole and bounces into the net.

Fans cheer. Paul Ten looks at the spectators. His mother stands, clapping like crazy. Next to her is an empty seat with her purse saving it for the absent dad.

6B. (E7) INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY

PAUL AT FIFTEEN stands on stage as part of a debate team. The CHAIRPERSON and the TWO TEAMS OF TWO are in blazers and slacks. The chairperson is handing Paul Fifteen a trophy. The crowd stands and claps. Paul Fifteen looks at the empty seat beside his mother.

6C. (E7) PAUL AT SEVENTEEN walks by an athletic field where a baseball team is practicing. Some players wave to him. Paul Seventeen waves disinterestedly back.

7. (E6) EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY

Paul boards captain JACK’s, 70, trawler, moored at a dock. Paul is deathly afraid of Jack’s pet Tarantula. Jack criticizes Paul’s fear and studiousness. Paul says it is stupid to risk your life.

8. (E9) EXT. PAUL’S SCHOOL – DAY

Paul sees Sandy, 17, an elegant Black new student, and falls madly in love with her. They have a lot in common and are immediately attracted to each other.

9. (E9) INT. CULTS DUNGEON, ABOUT 40 YEARS AGO – DAY

A dark, gloomy room that smells of misery and pain. An OLD INQUISITOR, evil beyond his old years, is talking to the GRAND INQUISITOR AT EIGHT-YEARS-OLD. The Old Inquisitor is dressed in his Inquisitor robes and holds a leather strap. He walks around the Grand Inquisitor Eight, who is shirtless and seated on a stool. The Grand Inquisitor Eight’s back is scarred with lash marks. He tries to suppress a whimper. He is fighting for self-control. He knows what will happen if he cries out.

10. (E9) INT. CULT’S HOUSE BLACK CHAPEL – DAY

The new GRAND INQUISITOR, 45, the boy above now grown, tells his fanatic disciples that they can only get to Heaven by obeying him without question. They need the treasure to restore the Spanish Inquisition to power.

11. (E5) INT. CULT’S HOUSE BLACK CHAPEL – NIGHT

The Grand Inquisitor gives his henchmen orders to find out if Jack is sailing. He tells Santos to get Paul to talk about the map.

12. (E7) INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY AND CORRIDORS – NIGHT 20 (2)

Paul is studying when the lights go out. He starts down the stairs but hears strange noises and becomes frightened.

13. (E9) INT. SCHOOL FOYER – CONTINUOUS

Finally, Paul reaches the exit door and opens it. He is attacked by Santos and his gang. They want to know about the map. Paul tells them nothing.

Inciting Incident. The Inciting Incident is the event in the first 10 pages that sets the movie in motion.

14. (E5) EXT. SANDY’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Paul staggers to Sandy’s house.

15. (E7) INT. SANDY’S HOUSE KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

Sandy treats his cuts. Paul meets Sandy’s cousin, Syd, who is studying history.

16. (E5) 10. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY

LENNY FELDER, 37, a marine engineer, is with Jack. They tell Paul a Cult of religious fanatics, descended from the Spanish Inquisition, is out to kill the family to get the map of the location of the Santa Elena.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

17. (E8) 12. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS

Jack describes how their family got the map. They killed the Santa Elena’s Navigator and stole the map before the Spanish Inquisition could. The family has not found the treasure because there is a secret to the map.

18. (E8) 12A MONTAGE

Santa Elena loaded and sunk.

19. (E8) 13. EXT. RUDE CABIN 1798 – NIGHT

20. (E8) 14. INT. RUDE CABIN 1798 – CONTINUOUS

The death of the Navigator and the theft of the map are in flashback.

21. (E6) 15. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS

Paul doesn’t believe the story.

22. (E7) 16. INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

Paul is doing research on Spanish history in Mesoamerica. His friends criticize him for not fighting Santos. They call him a coward and walk away. Paul tells Sandy there may not be anything worth fighting for.

23. (E7) INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY – DAY

Paul meets Syd. Syd tells Paul about the Inquisition’s role in the slave trade. Paul gets the clue that allows him to solve the riddle of the map. So, he thinks. The solution involves longitude that at the time of the wreck was calculated differently for each country.

24. (E6) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – EVENING

Paul explains the solution to Jack and Lenny. They believe it.

First turning point at end of Act 1. But we need to be out of confusion and have a general understanding of the story.

25. (E6) INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Jake and Carlos wait on the dock for a chance to search Jack’s ship. They reinforce their fear of Hell if they fail.

26. (E6) INT. MARINE STATION LAB – DAY.

JASON PEREZ, 35, a marine archeologist backs Paul’s idea.

27. (E4) INT. OUTSIDE MARINE STATION LAB – CONTINUOUS

Jack doctored the map copy, so the coordinates were changed, but Jack can correct them.

28. (E6) INT. JACK’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jack and Lenny think about how they can leave port without the Cult following. They don’t consider Paul brave enough to help. Jack explains he was deathly afraid of spiders, and he got the Tarantula to force him to get over his fear.

29. (E9) EXT/INT. CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Paul is terrified, but he sabotages the Cult’s boat. He has to defeat Carlos to do it.

30. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT – DAY

Jack’s boat leaves the harbor. The Cult’s boat is dead in the water.

31. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING

Lenny describes the search technique.

32. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – DAY

The sonar shows a promising tracing. Lenny surfaces from his dive, climbs aboard and shakes his head. Paul crosses out a square on the search grid.

33. (E6) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING.

Four days later. The three lie on the deck, barely able to move. Filthy, exhausted, unshaven, and depressed. The search is a failure.

34. (E9) INT. BAR – NIGHT

Lenny and Jack blame Paul for the failure. The crew breaks up.

35. (E9) INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY

Paul and Sandy talk. Santos challenges Paul to a fight. Paul refuses until Santos insults Sandy.

36. (E8) INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

They are hauled away by Teachers. Santos tells Paul Sandy is one of the Cult trying to get the secret to the map.

37. (E6) INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA – CONTINUOUS

Sandy tells her new girlfriends, who consider Paul a loser, that she likes him.

38. (E7) INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Paul is accused of breaking into the school and is expelled.

39. (E7) INT. MALL – DAY

Paul takes his anger out on Sandy. They break up.

Mid-Point. In the middle of the movie, usually, there is some kind of major change.

40. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Captain Jack is kidnapped by the Cult.

41. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Paul realizes Jack has been kidnapped.

42. (E7) INT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE DUNGEON – NIGHT

The Grand Inquisitor threatens Jack with torture if he doesn’t give up the map.

43. (E5) I/E CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Lenny and Paul leave whiskey for Carlos.

44. (E7) INT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE HALL OF MUMMIES – CONTINUOUS

More threats from the Grand Inquisitor.

45. (E7) INT. CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Carlos is drunk. Lenny and Paul get Carlos to talk by dumping the Tarantula on Carlos’ head.

46. (E6) EXT. A BOAT ON THE BAYOU – NIGHT

Lenny and Paul approach the Cult’s dark bayou house.

47. (E9) EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Paul and Lenny capture the Grand Inquisitor and free Jack. Then they are all caught. Paul rescues them.

48. (E5) EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Paul’s crew and the Cult leave cautiously separate. Lenny burns down the Cult’s house.

49. (E6) INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY

A family discussion. Jack reveals he has all the correspondence of the Inquisitor Navigator and a bejeweled cross. They are worth a fortune by themselves. The family debates whether to sell them and stop searching.

50. (E9) EXT. PAUL’S HOME ALLEY – NIGHT

Paul dreams he is stabbed by the Grand Inquisitor. He wakes up with the real solution to the secret of the map. The longitude on the map had a baseline through the Inquisition’s Chapter House.

51. (E6) INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY

A family gathering. Paul says he has the secret now. Can he be trusted? Check with Jason again. The family agrees to one last trip.

52. (E5) INT. MARINE STATION LAB – DAY

Jason confirms Paul’s idea. Paul’s crew asks Jason to join them.

53. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING

Jack’s boat leaves the harbor. The Cult’s boat is being repaired.

54. (E5) INT. CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS

The Cult has hidden a tracker on Jack’s boat.

55. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – NIGHT.

The crew begins the search. They discuss their future after they find the treasure.

56. (E8) EXT. STORE PARKING LOT – DAY

An attempt to kidnap Sandy fails. Sandy calls to Syd.

57. (E7) EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE STREET – DAY

Sandy sits in her car practicing introducing herself to Janet. She sees Janet leave the house with a suspicious person (the Grand Inquisitor). Sandy follows them.

58. (E7) EXT. CULT’S HOUSE STREET – CONTINUOUS

Sandy follows them to the Doucet’s house. She is hesitant to report her suspicions. She calls her girlfriends and tells them they can get unbelievable bargains on stolen goods at the house.

59. (E9) EXT. CULT’S HOUSE STREET – THIRTY-MINUTES LATER

Her girlfriends create a riot. The police come to stop it and arrest the Cultists in the house. Janet is freed. Sandy introduces herself to Janet.

Second turning point at end of Act 2. Usually, this is the point where the Protagonist’s plan has completely failed, and it looks like there is little hope.

60. (E7) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – DAY

At sea for four days. It looks like another failure. Lenny and Jason are diving. The Cult boat approaches. The attack begins.

61. (E5) EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

Lenny and Jason scrape rakes along the bottom to find the Santa Elena’s rigging.

62. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul and Jack see the Cult’s trawler coming fast.

63. (E8) EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

As the Cult’s boat passes over the divers Carlos throws out animal blood to attract sharks.

64. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jack guns the engine and just avoids being rammed by the Cult’s boat.

65. (E5) EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Cult jams radio transmission. The Grand Inquisitor comes on deck.

66. (E6) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul finds the ammo for their guns has been stolen. Their radio is jammed.

The Cult’s boat chases Jack’s boat. Shark fins converge on the divers.

67. (E5) EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

The divers head to the surface, but the sharks block their way, and they retreat to the bottom.

68. (E8) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jack and Paul head to the shrimper fleet. The Cult’s boat is gaining. Paul throws out nets on floats that threaten to foul the props on the Cult’s boat. It stops.

69. (E6) EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Cult’s boat stops and clears the net.

70. (E6) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jack’s boat gains but they realize the divers are almost out of air and they turn back. Paul catches Carlos in their nets as they pass.

71. (E7) EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jake cuts the nets before Carlos is dragged overboard. He ties the end to a capstan and pulls the boats together.

72. (E9) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul frantically cuts his end of the nets free. Jack is knocked out. Paul is sideswiped. The Tarantula is freed from its cage. Paul panics and freezes, looking for the spider. He recovers and avoids another ramming by the Cult. But the boats are close enough for Carlos to jump aboard. Carlos knocks Paul down and takes control. Paul sees the spider and, overcoming his fear, throws it on Carlos. Carlos panics and jumps overboard.

Crisis. This scene is the point where the Protagonist has to decide the issue that began at the Inciting Incident in the first 10 pages of the movie.

73. (E6) EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jake stops to pick up his brother.

74. (E8) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul ignites the Cult’s boat with a flare gun.

75. (E5) EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Cult members frantically try to put out that fire.

76. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul steers near the dive site. He cuts his hand and swirls it in the water to draw off the sharks from the divers. It doesn’t work.

77. (E6) EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

Jason and Lenny fight off the sharks attacking closer and closer.

78. (E9) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

A shark from underneath Paul’s boat almost bites his hand off. Paul stabs it, and it bleeds enough to attract the other sharks.

79. (E4) EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

The sharks swim away and the divers surface.

80. (E8) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Cult’s boat is pouring smoke. The Grand Inquisitor glares at Paul. A Coast Guard helicopter comes.

81. (E9) EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Grand Inquisitor pours a bucket of blood and guts on himself. He steps into the water. Sharks quickly gather.

82. (E5) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul’s crew looks calmly at the Grand Inquisitor being torn apart.

83. (E6) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING

The crew is worn out. They almost miss a strong signal from the sonar. They figure it is another false alarm and want to head home. Paul sees the Tarantula, loose on the deck, and puts it back in its cage. Everyone is shamed by Paul’s lack of fear. They dive one last time.

84. (E8) EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

Lenny and Jason pull up some tarred ratlines. At their end, trapped in them, is the glittering hilt of the Spanish Captain’s sword.

85. (E8) EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jason gives Lenny and Jack drugged whiskey. He reveals to Paul that he is one of the Cultists. Paul tricks Jason and defeats him. A wounded Jason falls overboard. Paul does not rescue him.

86. (E5) INT. MALL – DAY

Paul and Sandy make up.

Resolution. It tells us how this conflict will finally be resolved.

87. (E7) INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY, A MONTH LATER – DAY

Pal and Sandy are the heroes of the school. Santos comes in wanting to fight. Paul knocks him down with a book. Lenny, Jack, and Janet find happiness. Paul and Sandy wear gold medallions of the Santa Elena.

FADE OUT.

[David Mailman]

David’s Character Intros

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” One can be drawing a mental blank slate for hours and then come up with several solutions in a matter of minutes.
Create new introductions for your two lead characters.
1. List the beats of your current character introductions for the lead characters.
2. Select a different type of introduction from this list below for each character.
3. Write out the beats for each NEW character introduction.

4. Write a scene that introduces at least one of those characters using the results from #2 and #3.

PAUL MOUTON.

Role. The Protagonist. Poor family. High schooler. An eighteen-year-old who drives the story by finding and defending a sunken treasure from religious fanatics.

Core traits. Anxious, fearful of failure, reticent, bookish, needy, cynical.

Character subtext logline. Paul is a high school student who has adventure thrust on him by his family.

ACT 1.

Paul Mouton, 18, Cajun, White, reasonably good looking. Not your 30-year-old teenage actor with a gym body. He’s hesitant around girls because he’s not attracted to them unless they are unique. Likes to read. Withdrawn after the death of his father a year ago. Paul is cynical and fearful.

PAUL watches a news tape of the heroic death of his father as he tries to rescue riggers from a burning oil well in the Gulf of Mexico. Paul wears pajamas. The clock shows noon.

PAUL

DAD!

(under his breath)

You had to go and get killed. Not that you spent that much time here. We still lived poor.

Paul grabs a football and hurls it at his trophies on a shelf. They fly everywhere.

His mother, JANET MOUTON, 40, enters and turns off the tape. Janet is good-looking although harried. Well-dressed on the frugal side. She looks as if she wouldn’t say boo to a goose. Worried at Paul’s inertia. Resents her dead husband but wouldn’t admit it. She may have more than meets the eye. She might be tough if she had to.

(All members of the family speak with some Cajun accent.)

JANET

Paul, stop watching that. It won’t bring him back. You’ll just upset yourself more.

PAUL

Why not? I’m enjoying it.

JANET

We both miss your father. Your father was a hero.

PAUL

And what did it get him? I like my heroes in movies. You can get a refund.

JANET

You should be proud of him. He was always helping other people. We all miss having him around. He was the most wonderful person. There can never be another like him. He really cared for us. Don’t worry. We’ll get by.

PAUL

Carpe diem. How are we doing with the oil company?

JANET

That lousy oil company says it was voluntary and not their problem. Didn’t even see fit to give your uncle Jack any money for saving their crew.

PAUL

Am I surprised?

Paul opens a book and buries his head in it.

JANET

You need to go outside. Go see your uncle Jack. Come on, cupcake, get some dinner.

PAUL

All he does is tell me I read too much. Real men work at real jobs. I’m a scaredy-cat because I don’t like his damn spider pet. Blah, blah, blah.

Paul closes the book.

Dressed, Paul opens his window and pets a BLACK CAT.

He leaves to see his Uncle Jack.

THE GRAND INQUISITOR

Role. The antagonist. An evil, sophisticated religious fanatic. He seeks the treasure and will do anything to get it.

Core traits. Fanatic, amoral, religious, unswerving.

Character subtext. He sincerely believes he can restore the Inquisition and will get to Heaven.

ACT 1.

The Grand Inquisitor speaks to his Cult.

INT. CULT’S HOUSE BLACK CHAPEL – DAY

The new GRAND INQUISITOR, 45, reigns behind a black altar. Tall, cadaverous, his face seems to shift from almost human to pure malice. Blazing eyes and hypnotic voice. He can mesmerize a crowd. He embodies the centuries of the horrors of the Spanish Inquisition. He has no doubts about his role as Dictator of Religion.

The room is all set for a Black Mass. Black candles, flickering shadows, upside-down crosses, skulls all around.

A dozen WORSHIPPERS, MEN AND WOMEN, 20-40, in front. All in black robes and hoods that conceal their faces.

The worshippers stamp their feet and scream responses.

GRAND INQUISITOR

I greet you for the first time as your leader and Grand Inquisitor. Our Holy Cause has sent hundreds of our faithful to everlasting wealth in heaven.

WORSHIPPERS

Everlasting wealth!

GRAND INQUISITOR

To Hell, all that did not give us absolute obedience.

WORSHIPPERS

Absolute obedience!

GRAND INQUISITOR

We have slaughtered our enemies.

WORSHIPPERS

Slaughter our enemies.

GRAND INQUISITOR

I have seen a vision. Our cause will be gained soon. We must stop being merciful. Our full wrath rules.

He pauses to fix his eyes on the group. They start to tremble, talk in tongues and have fits.

The introductions above are from my current script, modified slightly, prior to the new ones. The new introductions are below. They will be inserted before these older introductions. I am not sure where. They may be interspersed with each other.

THE GRAND INQUISITOR

A dark gloomy room that smells of misery and pain. An OLD INQUISITOR, evil beyond his ancient years, is talking to a YOUNG BOY, the Grand Inquisitor at eight years old. The Old Inquisitor is dressed in his Inquisitor robes and holds a leather strap. He walks around the boy who is shirtless and seated on a stool. The Young Boy ‘s back is scarred with lash marks. He tries to suppress a whimper. He is fighting for self-control. He knows what will happen if he cries out.

OLD INQUISITOR

Who were the first Inquisitors?

YOUNG BOY

Miguel de Morillo and Juan de San Martín, Your Eminence.

OLD INQUISITOR

Very good. What was the purpose of the Inquisition?

YOUNG BOY

To bring enlightenment to the world. To bring all to heaven who accept our rule and to destroy all others.

OLD INQUISITOR

(Shaking his strap)

How is this purpose fulfilled?

YOUNG BOY

By obeying without question our glorious Grand Inquisitor.

OLD INQUISITOR

You are an apt pupil. You will go far in our holy crusade. Do you still have that puppy we gave you on your birthday?

YOUNG BOY

Oh yes. I love him. He’s my best friend. We’re never apart.

OLD INQUISITOR

Good. Next Sunday, I want you to bring the dog to our service and cut his throat in front of the congregation.

YOUNG BOY

(suppresses a whimper, hesitates)

It will be done.

PAUL MOUTON.

A soccer field with ten-year-old children playing. PAUL at TEN is one of them. Paul Ten controls the ball downfield. He stops it and an opponent rushes past him. Paul Ten keeps going. Two other opponents come diagonally at him, between Paul Ten and the goal. Paul Ten stops for a second and kicks it between the challengers, missing them by barely a foot. The ball hits the far pole and bounces into the net.

Fans cheer. Paul Ten looks at the spectators. His mother stands, clapping like crazy. Next to her is an empty seat with her purse saving it for the absent dad.

An auditorium. PAUL AT FIFTEEN is part of a debate team. The chairperson and the two teams of two are standing on stage in blazers and slacks. The chairperson is handing Paul Fifteen a trophy. The crowd stands and claps. Paul Fifteen looks at the empty seat beside his mother.

PAUL AT SEVENTEEN walks by an athletic field where a baseball team is practicing. Some players wave to him. Paul Seventeen waves disinterestedly back.

[David Mailman]

David’s Character Story Beats

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Once the Profiles and Beats are entered in B&W they make it a lot easier to imagine new improvements.

1. Give us their Character Profile.
2. Tell us the character’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each.
3. List out the beats of their story — either with details or broad strokes.
4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.
5. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.

PAUL MOUTON.

Role. The Protagonist. Poor family. High schooler. An eighteen-year-old who drives the story by finding and defending a sunken treasure from religious fanatics.

Core traits. Anxious, fearful of failure, reticent, bookish, needy, cynical.

Character subtext logline. Paul is a high school student who has adventure thrust on him by his family. Embarrassed by his poverty and overwhelmed by his brave father’s death, he runs from challenges.

BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND END

Eighteen-year-old Paul is told he belongs to a treasure-hunting family that is stalked by a Cult of religious fanatics.

Paul fights off the Cult several times, but it looks like he is domed when attacked at sea.

Paul destroys the Cult and finds success.

LIST OUT THE BEATS OF THEIR STORY

ACT 1.

Paul is cynical and fearful.

Paul falls for Sandy.

Paul learns of his treasure-hunting family.

Paul disbelieves the story but checks it out in books.

ACT 2.

Paul is attacked and joins the hunt.

Paul believes he has solved the map’s secret.

The search fails.

Paul hits bottom. (No treasure, expelled, loses Sandy.)

Paul takes charge. (Jack kidnapped.)

Paul’s crew is attacked by the Cult while diving.

ACT 3.

Paul overcomes his fears and defeats the Cult.

Paul’s location of the treasure is correct.

Paul finds popularity.

SELECT AT LEAST ONE PART OF THEIR STORY THAT COULD BE IMPROVED.

After the first pass, I noticed that Sandy did not appear directly. Just indirectly, e.g., as part of Paul hitting bottom. In her character, Sandy was only active when she rescued Paul’s mother. Was she necessary or deserving of a Profile?

So, one possible improvement could be to have Sandy laugh at Paul when they first meet (he was pretending to tire his loafer shoelaces) and walk on. Paul could pursue her actively. Sandy might be really kidnapped (not escaped by accident), and Paul rescues her. This would occur after Sandy saved Paul’s mother.

Is a third kidnapping too much? Paul would do it on his own. Lenny would be in the hospital with Jack, who had a mild heart attack. Sandy would be kept in a house in town. Paul would approach at night. Could he believably break into a Cult house? Also, in the current story, Paul is at sea. Chronology and sequence would need to be changed. Alternatively, Santos (Paul’s high school Nemesis) could also be in love with Sandy and let her go. Maybe, those two could end up together. When Paul hits him with the book at the end, Sandy may go to him, and they walk out together. Then, Paul would have lost a girlfriend and not end with all the Treasures of The Santa Elena.

A far-out – Paul could find out the Grand Inquisitor is really his father.

No PG13. Make all characters adults. Keep the basic story the same. That would allow for earlier and more violent action. Sex too. More options.

Again, pull out one brick from a story pile, and the whole stack falls. All the above need a lot more work if used.

CAPTAIN JACK MOUTON

Role. Patriarch of the Mouton family. Keeper of the treasure map and its history.

Core traits. Obsessed, tribal, stubborn, old-fashioned.

Character subtext. He wants to retain his family role as patriarch.

BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND END

Jack keeps the family history and the treasure map.

Jack provides the nautical background for the story.

Jack ends up a landlubber.

LIST OUT THE BEATS OF THEIR STORY

ACT 1.

Jack tells Paul his failures.

Jack tells Paul of the treasure map and the family history.

ACT 2.

Jack sails the crew to the suspected wreck site.

Jack is kidnapped

Jack sails the crew on a second search.

Jack organizes the defense against the attack.

ACT 3.

Jack opens a bar.

SELECT AT LEAST ONE PART OF THEIR STORY THAT COULD BE IMPROVED.

Jack can go two ways. Anger or defeat. Both due to the long history and his lifelong frustrating search.

Jack could call off the search after the first failure. Maybe try to sell the boat and the historical artifacts. Paul and Lenny could find Jack drunk and Shanghai him to go on the second search. Or, Jack could get mad after his kidnapping and start killing Cultists.

Jack could fall for a waitress at his bar.

Jack could have a heart attack.

The Grand Inquisitor
Role. The antagonist. An evil, sophisticated religious fanatic. He seeks the treasure and will do anything to get it.

Core traits. Fanatic, amoral, religious, unswerving.

Character subtext. He sincerely believes he can restore the Inquisition and will get to Heaven.

BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND END

The Grand Inquisitor enrages his Cult.

The Grand Inquisitor attacks Paul and all his crew.

The Grand Inquisitor is defeated and commits suicide, still defiant.

LIST OUT THE BEATS OF THEIR STORY

ACT 1.

The Grand Inquisitor speaks to his Cult.

The Grand Inquisitor orders his Cult to attack Paul.

ACT 2.

The Grand Inquisitor frames Paul.

The Grand Inquisitor kidnaps Jack.

The Grand Inquisitor captures Paul and his crew. They escape.

The Grand Inquisitor kidnaps Paul’s mother.

ACT 3.

The Grand Inquisitor is defeated.

The Grand Inquisitor commits suicide.

SELECT AT LEAST ONE PART OF THEIR STORY THAT COULD BE IMPROVED.

The GI falls for one of his Cultists. They do/don’t respond. The GI loses control of the Cult/ they have to leave but will be killed if they do.

The GI falls for Sandy. Kidnaps her to satisfy his lust.

The GI finds out that Paul is his son. Has to save him.

SANDY LANDRY.

Role. Protagonist’s girlfriend. Contrasting background and world view compared to Protagonist.

Core traits. Sophisticated, worldly, independent, romantic.

Character subtext. Her own person.

BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND END

Sandy meets and is attracted to Paul.

Sandy rescues Paul’s mother.

Sandy and Paul are an item.

LIST OUT THE BEATS OF THEIR STORY

ACT 1.

Sandy meets Paul on the school steps.

Sandy starts a conversation with Paul.

Sandy stands by Paul in a fight.

ACT 2.

Sandy does first aid for Paul.

Sandy helps Paul in a school fight.

Sandy is left by Paul.

Sandy is almost kidnapped.

Sandy rescues Paul’s mother.

ACT 3.

Sandy reconciles with Paul.

Sandy and Paul are an item.

SELECT AT LEAST ONE PART OF THEIR STORY THAT COULD BE IMPROVED.

What if Paul has to chase Sandy? She doesn’t like him at first.

Sandy may get involved actively and solve the map secret.

What if Sandy was Paul’s sister and would not be included in the search but wanted to participate?

Sandy is kidnapped but escapes in a tense hide and seek episode in a dark, spooky house.

LENNY FELDER.

Role. Sidekick. Father figure.

Core traits. Practical, technical, earthy, brave.

Character subtext. Comfortable only when doing.

BEGINNING, MIDDLE, AND END

Lenny becomes part of Paul’s family.

Lenny handles the technical aspects of the search.

Lenny and Paul’s mother are an item.

LIST OUT THE BEATS OF THEIR STORY

ACT 1.

Lenny meets Paul on Jack’s boat.

Lenny kids Paul about his fear of spiders.

ACT 2.

Lenny gives Paul self-defense advice.

Lenny leads the technical aspects of the search.

Lenny gets angry at Paul and REJECTS him.

Lenny leads Jack’s rescue.

Lenny leads the second search.

ACT 3.

Lenny is trapped below.

Lenny finds the treasure.

Lenny and Paul’s mother are an item.

SELECT AT LEAST ONE PART OF THEIR STORY THAT COULD BE IMPROVED.

Lenny is a recovering alcoholic. He gets drunk after the failure. Before the second voyage, he has to get sober.

Lanny gets jealous when Jason seems to be taking over as a father figure with Paul.

[David Mailman]

David’s Character Profiles.

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” It’s relatively easy to change the role of a person in a script and then change the character profile. It’s more difficult to improve a character profile because the person fits into a jigsaw puzzle of many different parts. Of course, this was the challenge of the assignment.

The logline is:
A bullied eighteen-year-old needs to solve the mystery of a treasure map, or a Cult of religious psychopaths, descended from the Spanish Inquisition, will murder his family.

Improve at least one item on each character profile.

Paul Mouton.

Role. The Protagonist. Poor high schooler. Family member. An eighteen-year-old who drives the story by finding and defending a sunken treasure from religious fanatics.

Core traits. Anxious, fearful of failure, reticent, bookish, needy.

Character subtext logline. Paul is a high school student who has adventure thrust on him by his family. Embarrassed by his poverty and overwhelmed by his brave father’s death, he runs from challenges.

Flaw. He feels inferior but pretends otherwise.

Want/Need. To find a treasure. To feel successful. /To be loved. To feel unpressured.

Mission/Agenda. To achieve something notable. To leave his town.
Character Arc. From timid, soft, and uncommitted to bold, hard and involved.
World View. Beaten down by circumstances.
Life Metaphor/Identity. Protect oneself by not committing.
Secret. He is embarrassed by his poverty.
Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: Afraid.
What makes this character unique? Smart. Can think.

Improve Items.

Role. The Protagonist. Poor high schooler. Family member. An eighteen-year-old who drives the story by finding and defending a sunken treasure from religious fanatics.

Core traits. Curiosity. Paul’s uncle Jack tries to conceal the map and his family’s history from Paul. Paul’s curiosity drives him to discover the secret while remaining ignorant of the Cult, who are still hunting him.

Character subtext. An academic curiosity drives Paul.

Flaw. He doesn’t know when to stop.

Want/Need. To solve problems. /To feel rewarded.

Mission/Agenda. To find the answer to the strange behaviors.
Character Arc: From nerdy bookish to practical achiever.

World View. Life is a mystery to be solved.
Life Metaphor/Identity. Something is missing in his life.

Secret. He wants to belong.

What makes this character unique? Cerebral.

Change Items.

Core traits. Angry. He resists the attempts of people to help him until he realizes the danger, he has placed them in. Then he fights back.

Character subtext. Paul wants to rescue people. He is well off and sophisticated. Sandy is not.

Or Paul is reckless and initiates the action. He drags people into the search and endangers them.

Flaw. Feels superior until others rescue him during the search.

Secret. Gay. Sandy is male. Or Paul falls for Syd.

Captain Jack Mouton

Role. Patriarch of the Mouton family. Keeper of the treasure map and its history.

Core traits. Obsessed, tribal, stubborn, old-fashioned.

Character subtext. He wants to retain his family role as patriarch.

Flaw. Intolerant, old-fashioned, limited.

Want/Need. To stop searching. / To relax.
Mission/Agenda. To achieve the end of a centuries-old search.
Character Arc: Crusty old shrimper to relaxed old bar owner.

World View. Real men do real work.
Life Metaphor/Identity. Keep moving.

Secret. Something they don’t want to admit: He is obsessed

What makes this character unique? Commitment to an unlikely goal.
Improve Items.

Role. Patriarch of the Mouton family. Keeper of the treasure map and its history.

Core traits. Uncertain. Little drive to finish the search.

Character subtext. After 200 years it’s time to stop.

Flaw. Won’t express himself. Won’t ask for help.

Change Items.

Role. Comic relief. The salty old curmudgeon who doesn’t believe the map Paul finds.

Core traits. Vengeful. Wants to kill Cult members for all the murders over the years.

Character subtext. Angry at the times leaving him behind with no close friends and no future. Puts barriers in the search.

Character Arc: Defeated failure to successful treasure hunter.

Flaw. Boastful. Gives away information.

Want/Need. To be recognized as an important person. He pushes the search to a dangerous direction.

The Grand Inquisitor
Role. The antagonist. An evil, sophisticated religious fanatic. Seeks the treasure and will do anything to get it.

Core traits. Fanatic, amoral, religious, unswerving.

Character subtext. Sincerely believes he can restore the Inquisition and will get to Heaven.

Flaw. Feels superior.

Want/Need. To rule on Earth and Heaven and become a Saint.

Mission/Agenda. Find the Santa Elena. Restore the Inquisition.
Character Arc: Calm, powerful, and successful to uncontrolled, weak, and loser

World View. Everything not in his false worldview is false.
Life Metaphor/Identity. Crush anything in his way.

Secret. His plan.

What makes this character unique? Pure malice.

Improve Items.

Role. The Antagonist. An evil, sophisticated religious fanatic. Seeks the treasure and will do anything to get it.

Core traits. Insane. Must catch himself from going berserk.

Character subtext. Must be rewarded on earth.

Flaw. Wants gold now to finance an expensive lifestyle.

Want/Need. Money and religious success. / Sex.

Change Items.

Role. He rejects the past malice of the Cult because he has found a pacific religion. He destroys the Cult from inside while pretending to attack Paul’s crew.

Core traits. Duplicitous, and benevolent. He must maintain an undercover façade while betraying his Cult.

Character subtext. Anguished at his Cult’s past and seeks redemption.

Flaw. Too soft-hearted for his new goal.

Want/Need. To get to Heaven. Protects Paul in secret.

Sandy Landry.

Role. Protagonist’s girlfriend. Contrasting background and world view compared to Protagonist.

Core traits. Sophisticated, worldly, independent, romantic.

Character subtext. Her own person.

Flaw. Doesn’t compromise.

Want/Need. To live a civilized life of achievement.

Mission/Agenda. Live a genteel life.
Character Arc: Becomes more involved with the group.

World View. The world is her oyster.
Life Metaphor/Identity. Take the easy way.

Secret. Dislikes her social-climbing mother.

What makes this character unique? Independent of others’ expectations.

Improve Items.

Role. Protagonist’s girlfriend. Contrasting background and world view compared to Protagonist.

Core traits. Sexy, uninhibited.

Character subtext. Many mores are meant to be ignored.

Flaw. Incautious.

Want/Need. To live a full life. / Excitement.

Mission/Agenda. To live fully.
Character Arc: To become Paul’s girlfriend and then when he becomes a success to move on.

World View. The world is meant to be exploited.
Life Metaphor/Identity. Take the self-centered exciting way.

Secret. Is conscious of hurting people but does it anyway.

What makes this character unique? Selfish.

Change Items.

Role. A secret member of the Cult. She tries to get the secret of the map from Paul and will kill him if necessary.

Core traits. Greedy, amoral, predatory. Will do anything to get Paul’s love and trust. Will destroy the Cult too if needed to get what she wants.

Character subtext. Feels basically inferior. Needs to get her way.

Flaw. Can’t always think or wait to achieve her goals.

Want/Need. To be boss.

Mission/Agenda. To run the Cult. She will fight the Grand Inquisitor.
Character Arc: From pleasant loving teen to a vicious killer.

World View. A psychopath.
Life Metaphor/Identity. Anything is justified to succeed.

Secret. She is a monster.

What makes this character unique? Her pathology.

Lenny Felder.

Role. Sidekick. Father figure.

Core traits. Practical, technical, earthy, brave.

Character subtext. Comfortable only when doing.

Want/Need. To be solving problems.

Mission/Agenda. To fulfill a moral obligation.
Character Arc: From adventurous to settled.

World View. Do a job.
Life Metaphor/Identity. Get the job done.

Secret. Doesn’t say.

What makes this character unique? A character that approaches the goal from a practical, not an emotional, direction.

Improve Items.

Role. Sidekick. Father figure.

Core traits. Protective.

Character subtext. Looking for a home.

Flaw. Difficulty to make emotional connections.

Want/Need. To help Paul socially. / To belong to a family.

Mission/Agenda. To protect the family.
Character Arc: From engineer to a family member.

World View. Work with people.
Life Metaphor/Identity. Join a family.

Secret. Doesn’t know how to be a member of a group.

What makes this character unique? Lives in the present.

Change Items.

Role. A historian who came across papers in the Vatican that informed him of the treasure. He is going to steal it.

Core traits. Unscrupulous but not violent.

Character subtext. History is an exciting way to enrich himself.

Flaw. Greedy but too soft.

Want/Need. Recognition as a historian and the money.

Mission/Agenda. Sees history as an adventure in loot.
Character Arc: Greedy excited academic to failed treasure hunter to on to the next adventure. Maybe with Paul.

World View. A fun and adventurous place.
Life Metaphor/Identity. A pirate.

Secret. He wanted to be a writer.

What makes this character unique? He perverted an academic discipline.

[David Mailman]

“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…?” It is very difficult to reimagine a script once it is in format. It gets written in stone very quickly. Also, finding structural items is hard to pinpoint. I find, in my script, external and internal events could be the same structural point but be on different pages.

David’s Basic Structure Version 1.

Tell us your logline.

A bullied, eighteen-year-old, must solve the mystery of a treasure map, or his family will be murdered by a Cult of religious psychopaths descended from the Spanish Inquisition.

Present your current story, showing each part of the 9-part structure.
Main Conflict:

1. Opening: pg. 1. Usually, it last 1 to 4 pages and should be as interesting as possible.
The year is 1789. The Gold Room of the Spanish Inquisition in Mexico where slaughtered Aztec gold is melted for shipment to Spain. The Inquisitors are portrayed as malicious, murderous persecutors. A setup involving a golden sword is presented.

The Santa Elena is wrecked in the Gulf of Mexico while carrying the gold to Spain.

The present. The Protagonist, eighteen-year-old Paul is introduced. His father died heroically. He is withdrawn.

Paul meets Sandy. She is Black, beginning an inter-racial love story in a small Louisiana city.

The bully that tormented Paul for years is introduced. His Nemesis.

2. Inciting Incident: pg. 12. The Inciting Incident is the event in the first 10 pages that sets the movie in motion.

Eighteen-year-old Paul is told by his uncle Jack that a Cult of religious psychopaths is after him and his family. A treasure is hinted at. Lenny, a marine engineer, is introduced.

Paul’s greatest fear is spiders.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: pg. 14. The Antagonist is the Grand Inquisitor, the leader of a fanatic Cult descended from the Spanish Inquisition. Their Cause is to restore the Spanish Inquisition. They need the Sant Elena’s treasure to do it.

Paul learns the origin of the treasure map and his family’s blood feud with the Cult.

4. First turning point at end of Act 1: pg. 22. But we need to be out of confusion and have a general understanding of the story.

Paul doubts the whole story. He is beaten by members of the Cult who demand the map. Paul now believes the story.

Paul thinks he figured out the map’s secret.

Jason, a marine archeologist, is introduced.

Paul acts bravely to sabotage the Cult’s boat.

Paul and his crew look for the wreck but find nothing.

Paul’s crew breaks up, angry at him.

Paul is framed for a break-in at school and is expelled.

Paul breaks up with his girlfriend, Sandy.

5. Mid-Point: pg. 47. At the middle of the movie, usually there is some kind of major change.

Uncle Jack is kidnapped forcing Paul to instigate his rescue.

Paul’s crew rescues uncle Jack.

Paul’s family is ready to give up.

Paul’s crew decides on one final search.

Paul dreams he is stabbed by the Grand Inquisitor.

Paul realizes the real secret of the map.

Jason joins the crew.

The Cult tracks Paul’s boat.

Paul’s crew sets out after the treasure again.

An attempt to kidnap Sandy fails.

Paul’s mother is kidnapped. Sandy rescues her.

Paul’s crew starts the search and diving for the Santa Elena.

They dive for days but find nothing.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: pg. 70. Usually, this is the point where the protagonists plan has completely failed and it looks like there is little hope.
The Cult attacks.

The divers are trapped below when the Cult throws blood into the water to attract sharks.

The Cult attacks Paul’s boat. The end is in doubt.

7. Crisis: pg. 75. This scene is the point where the Protagonist has to decide the issue that began at the Inciting Incident in the first 10 pages of the movie.

Paul overcomes his greatest fear in order to defeat the Cult.

Paul sets the Cult’s boat on fire.

Paul risks his life to rescue the divers.

8. Climax: pg. 79. The protagonist and antagonist come face to face for the showdown.

The Grand Inquisitor sees his dreams vanish. He commits suicide by pouring blood on himself and jumping into the water to be eaten by sharks.

The remaining Cultists are arrested by the Coast Guard.

Paul’s crew makes one last dive. They see the golden sword and find the treasure.

One of Paul’s crew betrays them.

Paul wins a fight with the betrayer. In contrast to his previous moral code, Paul lets the man die.

Paul and Sandy reconcile.

9. Resolution: pg. 88. It tells us how this conflict will finally be resolved.
Paul beats the classmate who bullied him for years.

Paul and Sandy leave the school together. Pg. 90.

CHANGED ELEMENTS.

A. The Santa Elena is wrecked in the Gulf of Mexico while carrying the gold to Spain.

To change the budget. Opening.

1. Expensive. The storm on the Santa Elena is shown. Water, lightning, St. Elmo’s fire, etc. Rigging falling, sailors panicking, lifeboats, masts falling, pitching deck, etc. A setup involving a golden sword is established.

2. Less expensive. The Gold Room is deserted. The Santa Elena has sailed and is no longer seen from the Gold Room. A storm is seen in the distance.

Survivors of the wreck arrive on a beach. They describe the last moments of the wreck and the golden sword setup.

The rest of the structure remains the same.

B. Introduce the Protagonist immediately to build identity quickly.

Opening. pg.1. The present. The Protagonist, eighteen-year-old Paul is introduced. His father died heroically. He is withdrawn.

Paul meets Sandy. She is Black, beginning an inter-racial love story in a small Louisiana city.

The bully that tormented Paul for years is introduced. His Nemesis.

Inciting Incident: pg. 9. Eighteen-year-old Paul is told by his uncle Jack that a Cult of religious psychopaths are after him and his family. A treasure is hinted at. Lenny, a marine engineer, is introduced.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: ….

The story of the wreck is introduced later when Paul sees his uncle Jack. By flashbacks and/or description … “The year is 1789. The Gold Room of the Spanish…”

Structure 4-9 stay the same.

C. Opening. Introduce the Grand Inquisitor and the Cult on page 1 to heighten the threat and add suspense. Then introduce Paul, an unsuspecting innocent.

Remaining structure sequence stays the same.

[David Mailman]

Subject: David’s Story Beats.

“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…?” It’s hard to isolate. Trying to focus on the story, I found myself changing things within scenes, like dialogue and action. When looking at a whole storyline, isolating a story point is like pulling a brick from the middle of a pile.

Give us your logline.

The title of my script:

Treasures of the Santa Elena.

The logline is:
A bullied, eighteen-year-old, must solve the mystery of a treasure map, or his family will be murdered by a Cult of religious psychopaths.

It’s a family, action film with a realistic story about young adults rising to a challenge. It’s like “Treasure Island” meets the “Karate Kid”.

List the current beats of your script. Number them as I did above.

OUTLINE

Opening: pg. 1. Usually, it last 1 to 4 pages and should be as interesting as possible.

1. INT. FORT ROOM 1798 – DAY

The Inquisition is shown to be malicious, greedy, and intolerant by their mistreatment of the Aztec Indians …

2. INT. GOLD ROOM – CONTINUOUS

… and the fear of the Spanish captain of the treasure ship, the Sant Elena. The Spanish captain is showing off his new sword with a golden hilt.

3. INT. GOLD ROOM 1798 – EVENING

No one is in the room. The equipment is unused. Trash is scattered around. The Santa Elena is gone. A storm is coming.

4. EXT. BEACH, GULF COAST – DAY

The storm is over. Waves still high, rain, seaweed, flotsam, corpses washing about in the surf. Lifeboats are drawn up on the sand. Survivors gather around a fire. They describe the death of the Spanish captain when he tried to cut a trapped Inquisitor free from fallen rigging.

5. EXT. A GULF OIL RIG, THE PRESENT – DAY

A burning oil rig. Two trawlers wait near the rig. One boards riggers. Both boats pull away. One last rigger appears. The empty boat turns back. The rig explodes in flames. This is a news tape.

6. INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY

PAUL MOUTON, 18, watches a news tape of the death of his father. He is cynical. Framed newspaper articles about “Hero Sea Captain” are on the wall. Paul’s mother, Janet, tells him they are not getting compensation from the oil company.

7. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY

Paul boards captain JACK’s, 70, trawler, moored at a dock. Paul is deathly afraid of Jack’s pet Tarantula. Jack criticizes Paul’s fear and studiousness. Paul says it is stupid to risk your life.

8. EXT. PAUL’S SCHOOL – DAY

Paul sees Sandy, 17, an elegant Black new student and falls madly in love with her. They have a lot in common and are immediately attracted to each other.

9. EXT. A STREET – DAY

Paul and Sandy are walking when SANTOS DOUCET, 18, Paul’s bullying Nemesis for years, humiliates him.

Inciting Incident: pg. 12. The Inciting Incident is the event in the first 10 pages that sets the movie in motion.

10. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY

LENNY FELDER, 37, a marine engineer is with Jack. They tell Paul a Cult of religious fanatics, descended from the Spanish Inquisition, is out to kill the family to get the map of the location of the Santa Elaena.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: pg. 14.

11. INT. CULT’S HOUSE BLACK CHAPEL – DAY

The new GRAND INQUISITOR, 45, tells his fanatic disciples that they can only get to Heaven by obeying him without question. They need the treasure to restore the Spanish Inquisition to power.

12. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS

Jack describes how their family got the map. They killed the Santa Elena’s navigator and stole the map before the Spanish Inquisition could. The family has not found the treasure because there is a secret to the map.

13. EXT. RUDE CABIN 1798 – NIGHT

14. INT. RUDE CABIN 1798 – CONTINUOUS

The death of the Navigator and the theft of the map in flashback.

15. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS

Paul doesn’t believe the story.

16. INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY – DAY

Paul is doing research on Spanish history in Mesoamerica. His friends criticize him for not fighting Santos. They call him a coward and walk away. Paul tells Sandy there may not be anything worth fighting for.

17. INT. CULT’S HOUSE BLACK CHAPEL – NIGHT

The Grand Inquisitor gives his henchmen orders to find out if Jack is sailing. He tells Santos to get Paul to talk about the map.

First turning point at end of Act 1: pg. 22. But we need to be out of confusion and have a general understanding of the story.

18. INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY AND CORRIDORS – NIGHT

Paul is studying when the lights go out. He starts down the stairs but hears strange noises and becomes frightened.

19. INT. SCHOOL FOYER – CONTINUOUS

Finally, Paul reaches the exit door and opens it. He is attacked by Santos and his gang. They want to know about the map. Paul tells them nothing.

20. EXT. SANDY’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Paul staggers to Sandy’s house.

21. INT. SANDY’S HOUSE KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

Sandy treats his cuts. Paul meets Sandy’s cousin, Syd, who is studying History.

22. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY

Paul tells Lenny the beating convinced him the story of the Santa Elena is true.

23. INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY – DAY

Paul meets Syd. Syd tells Paul about the Inquisition’s role in the slave trade. Paul gets the clue that allows him to solve the riddle of the map. So, he thinks. The solution involves longitude, that at the time of the wreck was calculated differently for each country.

24. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – EVENING

Paul explains the solution to Jack and Lenny. They believe it.

25. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Jake and Carlos search the deckhouse. They reinforce their fear of Hell if they fail.

26. INT. MARINE STATION LAB – DAY.

JASON PEREZ, 35, a marine archeologist backs Paul’s idea.

27. INT. OUTSIDE MARINE STATION LAB – CONTINUOUS

Jack doctored the map copy so the coordinates were changed but Jack can correct for them.

28. INT. JACK’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Jack and Lenny think how they can leave port without the Cult following. They don’t consider Paul brave enough to help. Jack explains he was deathly afraid of spiders, and he got the Tarantula to force him to get over his fear.

29. EXT/INT. CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Paul is terrified but he sabotages the Cult’s boat. He has to defeat Carlos to do it.

30. EXT. JACK’S BOAT – DAY

Jack’s boat leaves the harbor. The Cult’s boat is dead in the water.

31. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING

Lenny describes the search technique.

32. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – DAY

The sonar shows a promising tracing. Lenny surfaces from his dive, climbs aboard, and shakes his head. Paul crosses out a square on the search grid.

33. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING.

Four days later. The three lie on the deck, barely able to move. Filthy, exhausted, unshaven, and depressed. The search is a failure.

34. INT. BAR – NIGHT

Lenny and Jack blame Paul for the failure. The crew breaks up.

35. NT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY

Paul and Sandy talk. Santos challenges Paul to a fight. Paul refuses until Santos insults Sandy.

36. INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS

They are hauled away by Teachers. Santos tells Paul Sandy is one of the Cult trying to get the secret to the map.

37. INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA – CONTINUOUS

Sandy tells her new girlfriends, who consider Paul a loser, that she likes him.

38. INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY

Paul is accused of breaking into the school and expelled.

39. INT. MALL – DAY

Paul takes his anger out on Sandy. They break up.

Mid-Point: pg. 47. In the middle of the movie, usually, there is some kind of major change.

40. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Captain Jack is kidnapped by the Cult.

41. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Paul realizes Jack has been kidnapped.

42. INT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE DUNGEON – NIGHT

The Grand Inquisitor threatens Jack with torture if he doesn’t give up the map.

43. I/E CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Lenny and Paul leave whiskey for Carlos.

44. INT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE HALL OF MUMMIES – CONTINUOUS

More threats from the Grand Inquisitor.

45. INT. CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT

Carlos is drunk. Lenny and Paul get Carlos to talk by dumping the Tarantula on Carlos’ head.

46. EXT. A BOAT ON THE BAYOU – NIGHT

Lenny and Paul approach the Cult’s dark bayou house.

47. EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Paul and Lenny capture the Grand Inquisitor and free Jack. Then they are all captured. Paul rescues them.

48. EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Paul’s crew and the Cult leave cautiously separate. Lenny burns down the Cult’s house.

49. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY

A family discussion. Jack reveals he has all the correspondence of the Inquisitor Navigator and a bejeweled cross. They are worth a fortune by themselves. The family debates whether to sell them and stop searching.

50. EXT. PAUL’S HOME ALLEY – NIGHT

Paul dreams he is stabbed by the Grand Inquisitor. He wakes up with the real solution to the secret of the map. The longitude on the map had a baseline through the Inquisition’s Chapter House.

51. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY

A family gathering. Paul says he has the secret now. Can he be trusted? Check with Jason again. Paul The family agrees to one last trip.

52. INT. MARINE STATION LAB – DAY

Jason confirms Paul’s idea. Paul’s crew asks Jason to join them.

53. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING

Jack’s boat leaves the harbor. The Cult’s boat is being repaired.

54. INT. CULT’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS

The Cult has hidden a tracker on Jack’s boat.

55. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – NIGHT.

The crew are beginning the search. They discuss their future after they find the treasure.

56. EXT. STORE PARKING LOT – DAY

An attempt to kidnap Sandy fails.

57. EXT. PAUL’S HOUSE STREET – DAY

Sandy sits in her car practicing introducing herself to Janet. She sees Janet leave the house with a suspicious person (the Grand Inquisitor). Sandy follows them.

58. EXT. CULT’S HOUSE STREET – CONTINUOUS

Sandy follows them to the Doucet’s house. She is hesitant to report her suspicions. She calls her girlfriends and tells them they can get unbelievable bargains in stolen goods at the house.

59. EXT. CULT’S HOUSE STREET – THIRTY-MINUTES LATER

Her girlfriends create a riot. The police come to stop it and arrest the Cultists in the house. Janet is freed. Sandy introduces herself to Janet.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: pg. 70. Usually, this is the point where the protagonist’s plan has completely failed, and it looks like there is little hope.

60. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – DAY

At sea four-days. It looks like another failure. Lenny and Jason are diving. The Cult boat approaches. The attack begins.

61. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

Lenny and Jason scrape rakes along the bottom to find the Santa Elena’s rigging.

62. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul and Jack see the Cult’s trawler coming fast.

63. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

As the Cult’s boat passes over the divers Carlos throws out animal blood to attract sharks.

64. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jack guns the engine and just avoids being rammed by the Cult’s boat.

65. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Cult jams radio transmission. The Grand Inquisitor comes on deck.

66. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul finds the ammo for their guns has been stolen. Their radio is jammed.

The Cult’s boat chases Jack’s boat. Shark fins converge on the divers.

67. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

The divers head to the surface, but the sharks block their way, and they retreat to the bottom.

68. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jack and Paul head to the shrimper fleet. The Cult’s boat is gaining. Paul throws out nets on floats that threaten to foul the props on the Cult’s boat. It stops.

69. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Cult’s boat stops and clears the net.

70. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jack’s boat gains but they realize the divers are almost out of air and they turn back. Paul catches Carlos in their nets as they pass.

71. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jake cuts the nets before Carlos is dragged overboard. He ties the end to a capstan and pulls the boats together.

Crisis: pg. 75. This scene is the point where the Protagonist has to decide the issue that began at the Inciting Incident in the first 10 pages of the movie.

72. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul frantically cuts his end of the nets free. Jack is knocked out. Paul is sideswiped. The Tarantula is freed from its cage. Paul panics and freezes, looking for the spider. He recovers and avoids another ramming by the Cult. But the boats are close enough for Carlos to jump aboard. Carlos knocks Paul down and takes control. Paul sees the spider and, overcoming his fear, throws it on Carlos. Carlos panics and jumps overboard.

73. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jake stops to pick up his brother.

74. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul ignites the Cult’s boat with a flare gun.

75. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Cult members frantically try to put out that fire.

76. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul steers near the dive site. He cuts his hand and swirls it in the water to draw off the sharks from the divers. It doesn’t work.

77. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

Jason and Lenny fight off the sharks attacking closer and closer.

78. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

A shark from underneath Paul’s boat almost bites his hand off. Paul stabs it and it bleeds enough to attract the other sharks.

79. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

The sharks swim away and the divers surface.

80. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Cult’s boat is pouring smoke. The Grand Inquisitor glares at Paul. A Coast Guard helicopter comes.

81. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

The Grand Inquisitor pours a bucket of blood and guts on himself. He steps into the water. Sharks quickly gather.

82. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Paul’s crew look calmly at the Grand Inquisitor being torn apart.

83. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING

The crew is worn out. They almost miss a strong signal from the sonar. They figure it is another false alarm and want to head home. Paul sees the Tarantula, loose on the deck, and puts it back in its cage. Everyone is shamed by Paul’s lack of fear. They dive one last time.

84. EXT. UNDERWATER – CONTINUOUS

Lenny and Jason pull up some tarred ratlines. At their end, trapped in them, is the glittering hilt of the Spanish Captain’s sword.

85. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

Jason gives Lenny and Jack drugged whiskey. He reveals to Paul that he is one of the Cultists. Paul tricks Jason and defeats him. A wounded Jason falls overboard. Paul does not rescue him.

86. INT. MALL – DAY

Paul and Sandy make up.

Resolution: pg. 88. It tells us how this conflict will finally be resolved.

87. INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY, A MONTH LATER – DAY

Pal and Sandy are the heroes of the school. Santos comes in wanting to fight. Paul knocks him down with a book. Lenny, Jack and Janet find happiness. Paul and Sandy wear gold medallions of the Santa Elena.

FADE OUT.

Starting from the end, flag the beats that need help.

Tell us which beats you separated out and how you’ve changed each of those beats.

Conclude with your new list of beats.

85. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – CONTINUOUS

A wounded Jason falls overboard. Paul does not rescue him.

Should Paul rescue him? What changes his ideals? Clarify what in another scene.

55. EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – NIGHT.

The crew is beginning the search. They discuss their future after they find the treasure.

Use this scene to elaborate their character.

51. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY

A family gathering. Paul says he has the secret now. Can he be trusted? Check with Jason again. The family agrees to one last trip.

Use this scene to elaborate their character.

49. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY

A family discussion. Jack reveals he has all the correspondence of the Inquisitor Navigator and a bejeweled cross. They are worth a fortune by themselves. The family debates whether to sell them and stop searching.

Use this scene to elaborate their character.

46. EXT. A BOAT ON THE BAYOU – NIGHT

Lenny and Paul approach the Cult’s dark bayou house.

Make this scene more believable. Have Carlos tied in the bottom of the boat. Lenny threatens to throw Carlos to the alligator if he gives them false information and they survive.

47. EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Paul and Lenny capture the Grand Inquisitor and free Jack. Then they are all caught. Paul rescues them.

Add to the suspense. Make a few more frightening scenes.

39. INT. MALL – DAY

Paul takes his anger out on Sandy. They break up.

Make the argument angrier and more insulting.

37. INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA – CONTINUOUS

Sandy tells her new girlfriends, who consider Paul a loser, that she likes him.

Add the characteristics that attract Sandy to Paul.

34. INT. BAR – NIGHT

Lenny and Jack blame Paul for the failure. The crew breaks up.

Make the argument angrier and more insulting.

9. EXT. A STREET-DAY

Paul and Sandy are walking when SANTOS DOUCET, 18, Paul’s bullying Nemesis for years, humiliates him.

· Sandy knows karate and beats up Santos or a Buddy. This makes Paul look even worse.

· Sandy knows Santos from a family gathering. This leads to Paul’s suspecting her later.

· Santos likes Sandy. Rescues her later and redeems himself.

7. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – DAY

Paul boards captain JACK’s, 70, trawler, moored at a dock. Paul is deathly afraid of Jack’s pet Tarantula. Jack criticizes Paul’s fear and studiousness. Paul says it is stupid to risk your life.

Make the spider a snake.

More subtext to show Paul was not fond of his father.

As described in Assignment two, introduce Paul first and then the Cult or vice versa. Change the loss of the Santa Elena from at sea to told by survivors on a beach.

All of the changes above are at the scene level, not the story level.

Some story level changes I considered are shown below. I felt them too far out for the current story.

· Make the Cult the good guys and Paul’s family the bad guys. Paul is unaware and is duped by his uncle Jack to commit a crime. The Cult is a group from the Vatican sent to battle the Cajuns, who are descended from the Inquisition.

· Change the location to the desert and mountains. The map is to the Lost Dutchman Mine.

Change the MacGuffin from a wrecked treasure ship to a Biblical Scroll with significant implications relevant to the New Testament; or to a Lost Land; or to an amulet with miraculous powers; or to the loot from a major theft; or to a thumb drive with a Bitcoin password; etc.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  David Mailman.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  David Mailman.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  David Mailman.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  David Mailman.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

I notice that crossed-out phrases do not show. Will figure a new way.

[David Mailman]

Above comments missent.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is…there is a process that allows rewriting and one does not depend on intuition.

Subject: David Mailman’s Logline and One Page!

The title of my script is:

Treasures of the Santa Elena.

The logline is:
A bullied, eighteen-year-old, must solve the mystery of a treasure map, or his family will be murdered by a Cult of religious psychopaths.

It’s a family, action film with a realistic story about young adults rising to a challenge. It’s like “Treasure Island” meets the “Karate Kid”.

The story starts with the history. A treasure ship, The Santa Elena, belongs to the Spanish Inquisition. She sinks in the Gulf of Mexico in a storm. Her navigator is one of the few survivors and he has the only map of where the ship went down. The Inquisition sends its most fanatic priests to get the map, but a family of Cajuns finds it first. They steal the map and murder the navigator.

Now the story switches to the present-day. Paul’s father died heroically. People keep throwing that heroism in Paul’s face and he has become afraid to try anything. He retreats into his first love, books.

When Paul turns eighteen, his uncle Jack tells him about their family history and their search for Santa Elena. Paul’s family has the map of the ship’s location, but there’s some secret and the treasure is still lost.

A vicious Cult, descended from the Inquisitors is also searching. Once Paul becomes involved, it’s kill-or-be-killed. Paul’s antagonist is the Grand Inquisitor, a religious fanatic dedicated to returning the Spanish Inquisition to its position of power. He needs the treasure to get that.

After several skirmishes, the battle between Paul’s family and the Cult begins. Paul is brutally attacked. His mother and Sandy, his girlfriend, are kidnapped but Sandy rescues them. Sandy has an active role in this story. There’s a subplot with Sandy, who’s Black, and racism in their Louisiana town.

Paul thinks he has solved the secret of the map. He sabotages the Cult’s boat and his crew set off. Their search fails. The crew breaks up, angry at Paul for the wild goose chase. Then the Cult frames Paul for a break-in at his school to copy SAT exams. He’s expelled. He takes it out on his girlfriend Sandy, and they break up.

Paul hits bottom. He goes to make up with his Uncle Jack. But Jack has been kidnapped by the Cult. Paul reorganizes his old crew and rescues Jack after a back-and-forth battle with the Cult at their eerie bayou haunt.

Paul is now the Grand Inquisitor’s vendetta. In the dark of night, he sneaks into Paul’s bedroom, and with both hands on his dagger, he plunges it into Paul’s heart. But it’s only a dream and seeing the Inquisitor in his ancient robes triggers something Paul read, and he cracks the real secret of the map.

The crew sets out again. They reach their location and dive for days. It’s another failure. Then they’re attacked by the Cult. The Cult attracts sharks to the divers by dumping buckets of animal blood into the water. The battle swings one way and then another until the Cult is defeated. The Grand Inquisitor, seeing his dreams vanish, pours blood on himself, jumps into the water, and is eaten by sharks. The rest of the Cult is arrested by the Coast Guard.

Paul’s crew is exhausted. They want to quit. Paul encourages them to one last try and they find the treasure. But a wicked act of betrayal threatens the treasure and their lives. The outcome is in doubt.

There is a happy ending. Paul ends up with Sandy, friends, confidence, and the gold. All the Treasures of the Santa Elena.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Hello to everyone.

I am a retired professor of physiology at the University of Houston. After I retired, still wanting some creativity in my life and believing films to be the highest art form, I started working in films. I wrote, directed, or videoed six narrative or documentary shorts that were shown on local TV. I made a feature-length documentary DVD on Houston’s Maritime Museum and related nautical history. I worked on two- “real” films on the craft table, set dresser, face-in-the-crowd, and general factotum.

Afterward, I started writing movie scripts. The skills needed in science writing are the opposite of those needed for screenwriting. Surprisingly, it’s hard to go from the rigor of science into the anarchy of imagination. But I love movies, so screenwriting was the way I chose to spend the rest of my retirement. One would guess I’d choose topics that involved lab experiments gone bad, where the protagonist turned into a superhero or a fly, but for some reason, most of my scripts are teenage adventure stories. I suspect there’s a message in there.

After I started screenwriting several years ago, I realized I had a mystery. Why was I writing teenage adventure stories when I’m 84 years old? I finally realized I grew up very inhibited. My escape was to read adventure books. I started college when I was 14 and spent the next 55 years in a lecture hall or laboratory doing medical research. I loved every minute of it. I retired and spent several years making very amateurish films. I stopped until I got bored with inactivity. That’s when I started writing and now, I realize what I’m doing is reimagining my teenage years.

I have one script in the fourth draft. Four others are in advanced treatment.

[David Mailman]

David Mailman

“I agree to the terms of this release form.”

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[David Mailman]

David’s Thriller Map Version 2

Having a critique by fresh eyes exposed plot points that should have been included in an abbreviated version. It’s needed backstory. I added parts of the treatment I had left out for more clarity and some color

TREASURES OF THE SANTA ELENA

It’s the story of a bullied, eighteen-year-old who must solve the mystery of a treasure map, or his family will be killed by a Cult of psychopaths descended from the Spanish Inquisition.

THRILLER MAP 2

FADE IN

ON SCREEN

1798 TAMPICO MEXICO

THE FORT OF THE SPANISH INQUISITION

followed by

THE INQUISITION NEEDS GOLD.

THEIR LAST CHANCE TO REESTABLISH

THEIR TERROR OF THE LAST

300 YEARS.

S1. INT-1790, GOLD ROOM-DAY

A dozen or so emaciated Indian bodies are stacked in a corner. No! Three are still alive. They are staring at…

… a black-robed Spanish Inquisitor Priest gorging himself at a table. He looks at the Indians. Blesses a bone and throws it at the Indians. Two have enough strength to reach for it, but are too weak to fight for it. The third looks, gives up, lies down and dies.

The view continues around until…

The Gold Room. Gleaming with shining gold, piles of precious stone. All stolen from slaughtered Aztecs. Carrying loads out the door to THE SANTA ELENA. A magnificent galleon with beaten Indians loading it with treasure.

The SPANISH CAPTAIN is talking to his FRIEND. He is showing him his new sword. Toledo steel. The best in the world. The golden, jeweled hilt is gleaming and sparkling. He is boasting that, back in Spain, the sword will be in his family for generations.

S3. EXT-DECK SANTA ELENA-DAY

The Santa Elena in a storm. Rigging falling, masts gone, decks awash, sailors panicking. Pitching and rolling. Thunder, lightning, St. Elmo’s fire all over. The Inquisitor Navigator stumbles on deck holding his maps and instruments. The captain’s Friend is tangled in rigging. The Inquisitor Navigator kicks him out of the way and enters a lifeboat. The Spanish Captain leaves the lifeboat and tries to cut his friend loose with his golden sword. More rigging falls, trapping them. The lifeboat pulls away, loaded with sailors and Inquisitors.

A wave washes over the screen. It recedes and the Santa Elena is deeper in the water.

A wave washes over the screen. It recedes and the Santa Elena is deeper in the water.

A wave washes over the screen. It recedes and …

S4. EXT-A GULF OIL RIG-DAY.

…The rig is on fire. Smoke, fire, gouts of flame. Men are rushing down the stairs to…

…two trawlers are near the rig. One is loading survivors. The other is standing off as backup. All the people are off the rig and both boats pull away.

One last person appears on the stairs. The empty boat turns back and just as the survivor enters it. The rig EXPLODES in flames.

S5. INT-PAUL’S ROOM-DAY

Paul – “DAD!”.

Paul, a reasonably good-looking 18-year-old, is looking at a video newscast of the rig explosion that killed his father.

His mother enters and tells him he has getting obsessive and spending too much time indoors and reading. Tells him to see his parish priest tomorrow morning.”. Paul agrees.

S6. EXT-CHURCH-NIGHT

Two men get out of a car. Dressed in hoods and robes. One guards the door. The GRAND INQUISITOR walks into the church and …

S7. INT-CHURCH-NIGHT

.. is greeted by a SURPRISED PRIEST. Priest asks, “Which order?”. Grand Inquisitor responds, he belongs to “Tribunal del Santo Oficio de la Inquisición.”. Priest thinks – “Wasn’t that the Spanish inquisition?”, ”It was indeed.” and then stabs the Priest.

More hooded, black-robed Cultists stalk in. They begin chanting. They pick up the dead Priest and put him on the altar as a sacrifice in their bloody ritual to annoint the new Grand Inquisitor. They turn to the man who stabbed the Priest and intone; “Hail to the new Grand Inquisitor”.

An imposing figure in hood and robe, wearing a gold chain now enters. All turn toward him and bow.

The degenerate remnants of the shipwrecked Inquisitors have descended to a Cult of barbaric, cunning monsters.

S8. EXT-CHURCH-DAY

Paul tries to enter the church, now surrounded by police. He is let into church to be questioned and sees Priest, dead on altar. Sees a cap like his Uncle Jack wears in evidence bag.

S9. EXT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY

Paul bangs on the door – walks in …

S10. INT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY

… walks in. Yells, “There’s been a murder.”. Sees a ransacked house and blood all over.

S12. EXT-SCHOOL STEPS-DAY

Paul is walking up the steps. He sees a new girl, SANDY, cute as a button, drive up and park. They quickly find out each are smart, like to read and are simpatico.

S13. INT- SCHOOL LIBRARY– NIGHT

A typical HS library. Third floor. Bookshelves, a few tables and chairs, desk lamps. Paul is studying in the library. Suddenly, the lights go out. He swears and shuts the books. Walks out …

S14. INT-HALL AND STAIRS-NIGHT

… into hall. Irritated. Hears a faint noise and pauses. Shrugs, starts again. Reaches the elevator and pushes the button. Nothing. Another sound, louder. “Who’s there?”. A flitting shape, just at the corner of his vision. Paul is scared. Reaches bottom – relieved.

S15. INT-FOYER-NIGHT

Outside door slams open. SANTOS, Paul’s nemesis since first year, moves in and punches Paul in the gut. Paul doubles over. Then he demands Paul; “Tell me the secret.” Over and over. Getting angry he pulls a knife. His buddies object. They all leave. Paul picks himself up and staggers out.

S17. EXT-SCHOOL STEPS-DAY

Paul is walking up the steps with Sandy, very close. Paul looks back and sees a MAN who looks like an ex-boxer who had too many fights, duck around the corner.

S19. EXT/INT-JACK’S BOAT AT PIER-DAY

Paul climbs aboard jack’s boat. There is a terrarium with a large tarantula in it. Paul gets as far away from it as possible. There is fear on his face. He never takes his eyes off it as he does chores. As he steps back on the pier the Man is seen, concealed behind a piling.

S20. EXT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY

Paul walks up to Jack’s door, opens it. Sees a gun on the table. Paul turns to escape and runs into the Man. Paul gets roughly pushed inside…

S21. INT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY

…and he grabs the gun. A hand grabs his wrist and Paul looks up at a wizened old man. “Uncle jack! I thought you were dead.”. The man following Paul is LENNY. Jack pretended to die when the priest was killed, because Jack was afraid for his life. “We have powerful enemies. I need to tell you a story your father would have told you when you were old enough.”…

… “and that’s the story of the wreck of the Santa Elena. We have all the records and a map of where the wreck went down. Some of those inquisitors survived. They bred, despite their vow of chastity, because they had a blood-lust to find the treasure and stop anyone else from getting it. They formed a Cult that’s been trying to stop our family from searching for nigh on two-hunderd years.”

Paul asks, “how did you get a map?”. Jack responds, “that ain’t a picture I’m proud of. We killed the navigator when we found him and stole the map.”

Paul. “Are these longitude and latitude? Why haven’t you found the wreck? You’ve certainly looked.”.

Jack. “We didn’t have the diving gear good enough. We didn’t have GPSs. When we did, we still couldn’t find it. Wrecks sink. How good is the map? Navigation was primitive in 1798.”

S30. INT- SCHOOL LIBRARY– DAY

Paul is reading with books open on the table. He starts up. Begins flipping through the books looking for something. He rushes out.

S31. INT-JACK’S HOUSE-DAY

Paul is explaining to Jack and Lenny that the Santa Elena went down before countries agreed on a Zero line, a Meridian, for longitude. Before that each country used its Zero through its capitol city. They agree it’s plausible, but they want to check it.

S32. INT-MARINE STATION-DAY

Paul and his group are talking to JASON a marine archeologist. He says it is possible.

S36. EXT-JACKS BOAT AT SEA-DAY

Paul’s group is ready to sail, but they must evade the present-day Cult descended from the original shipwrecked inquisitors. The Cult has them under surveillance. Paul sabotages the Cult’s Boat. The group leaves port at night and slips past the Cult. They dive for days, but do not find any treasure. They are threatened by sharks. They return, exhausted. How was Paul wrong?

S37. INT-BAR-NIGHT

The team breaks up. The group is angry at Paul for wasting their time. They start calling each other names. They tell Paul his books are useless and that he’s dumb, can’t do anything right.

S41. EXT-JACK’S BOAT PIER-NIGHT

Paul is miserably walking toward the boat. He sees a cap on the ground and recognizes it as Jack’s new cap. He looks puzzled for a second and then rushes off.

S42. INT-PAUL’S HOUSE-NIGHT

Paul acts to rescue Jack. He shows Lenny the cap and both realize that Jack has been kidnapped by the Cult.

S45. EXT-CULT HOUSE BAYOU-NIGHT

Spooky, dark, old and overgrown. Lenny approaches with the shotgun and Paul apparently tied. Paul is begging and pleading to be let go. They find Jack. They capture the Grand Inquisitor and free Jack. As they leave, they are ambushed by the Cultists and captured. Paul pulls the gun concealed in Lenny’s belt and holds it against the Inquisitors head. He doesn’t know how to use it, but bluffs the Cultists.

S47. INT-PAUL’S BEDROOM-NIGHT

Paul is quietly sleeping. The Grand Inquisitor creeps up to Paul. He raises the knife and plunges it into Paul’s chest. Blood spurts up into the Inquisitor’s face, and Paul jerks up in bed, yelling after his dream. Suddenly, he jumps out of bed and rushes to books piled on his desk. Frantically, he opens one, then another until he finds what he is looking for. “YES!!”.

S48. INT-PAUL’S HOUSE-DAY

Paul is telling Lenny and Jack his new solution to the map’s secret. Paul realizes the Santa Elena belonged to the Inquisition and they used a Meridian through their chapter house in Seville. They agree to go back to ask Jason if the new solution is plausible. Also, they realize they need another diver and agree to ask Jason to join them.

S50. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

The group starts their second voyage. They chose a time to sneak out. As they leave, the camera focuses under the deck on a blinking device. The Cult has planted a tracker.

S54. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

Several days have passed. The men are tired, dirty and exhausted. Most of the search squares have been checked off. They are looking defeated and disbelieving. Jason and Lenny begin another dive. Paul and Jack see the Cult’s boat approaching.

S55. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

The Cult and Paul’s team go boat-to-boat and hand-to-hand in a battle to the death. The Cult attacks while the divers are below. They pour blood into the water to attract sharks.

Carlos, a Cultist, boards Jack’s boat. He is armed and bigger than Paul. Paul overcomes his fears of spider. Paul picks up the spider and throws it at Carlos who jumps overboard. Iago, still on the Cult’s boat, has to pick his brother up. Paul fires a flare gun into the nets on the Cult’s boat and starts a fire.

The Coast Guard sees the smoke and a helicopter and cutter approach. The Grand Inquisitor knows he has lost. He pours blood on his head and jumps to the sharks. The Cult is defeated. The divers are rescued.

S56. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

Hours later. The group is sitting around, exhausted. All except Paul want to give up. Paul sees the tarantula under a net. Paul picks up the spider and puts it back in its cage. All remember Paul’s terror of spiders. They are shamed and agree to one last dive.

S57. EXT-UNDERWATER-DAY

Jason and Lenny are on the bottom. They are raking the sand looking for old rigging. Jason gestures they are almost out of air and to surface. Suddenly Lenny’s rake catches in some ropes. He pulls and the rigging comes up from the sand in a line and at the end is the golden hilt of the Spanish Captain’s sword, glittering in the dim light.

S58. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

Jason drugs Lenny and Jack. Jason pulls a gun and tells Paul he is a Cultist sent to study marine archeology to help the Cult find the treasure. He is going to kill them all, but needs them alive for the moment. Paul head butts him overboard, but gets shot. He can’t help Jason when the sharks attack him. Paul manages to reach the helm and steer the boat toward port.

S59. INT-SCHOOL LIBRARY-DAY

The Principal reveals himself. He was the brains behind the Grand Inquisitor. He only wanted the money. Now, the Principal wants revenge.

He is going to burn the library with Paul and Sandy in it. He closed the valve to the library sprinklers. He starts to pour gasoline under the door. Paul rescues them by igniting the gas as it begins to ooze into the room. It catches the gas-soaked mat outside and explodes in the hall where the principal is pouring it. He burns. The hall sprinklers still work.

FADE OUT

[David Mailman]

I can work with the next person posting. dmailman@comcast.net

[David Mailman]

David’s Thriller Map Version 1

Putting the Thriller Map together made it easier to keep the chronology of the plot in synch. Also, it exposed gaps in story and connections.

TREASURES OF THE SANTA ELENA

It’s the story of a bullied, eighteen-year-old who must solve the mystery of a treasure map, or his family will be killed by a Cult of psychopaths descended from the Spanish Inquisition.

FADE IN

on screen

1798 TAMPICO MEXICO

THE FORT OF THE SPANISH INQUISITION

followed by

THE INQUISITION NEEDS GOLD.

THEIR LAST CHANCE TO REESTABLISH

THEIR TERROR OF THE LAST

300 YEARS.

S1. INT-1790, GOLD ROOM-DAY

The Gold Room. Gleaming with shining gold, piles of precious stone. Carrying loads out the door to THE SANTA ELENA. A magnificent galleon with Indians loading it with treasure.

The SPANISH CAPTAIN is talking to his FRIEND. He is showing him his new sword. Toledo steel. The best in the world. The golden, jeweled hilt is gleaming and sparkling. He is boasting that, back in Spain, the sword will be in his family for generations.

S3. EXT-DECK SANTA ELENA-DAY

The Santa Elena in a storm. Rigging falling, masts gone, decks awash, sailors panicking. Pitching and rolling. Thunder, lightning, St. Elmo’s fire all over. The INQUISITOR NAVIGATOR stumbles on deck holding his maps and instruments. The captain’s Friend is tangled in rigging. The Inquisitor Navigator kicks him out of the way and enters a lifeboat. The Spanish Captain leaves the lifeboat and tries to cut his friend loose with his golden sword. More rigging falls, trapping them.

S5. INT-PAUL’S ROOM-DAY

Paul is looking at a video newscast of the rig explosion that killed his father. His mother enters and tells him he has getting obsessive and spending too much time indoors and reading. Tells him to see his parish priest tomorrow morning.”. Paul agrees.

S6. EXT-CHURCH-NIGHT

Two men get out of a car. Dressed in hoods and robes. One guards the door. The GRAND INQUISITOR walks into the church and …

S7. INT-CHURCH-NIGHT

.. is greeted by a SURPRISED PRIEST. Priest asks, “Which order?”. Grand Inquisitor responds, he belongs to “Tribunal del Santo Oficio de la Inquisición.”. Priest thinks – “Wasn’t that the Spanish inquisition?”,”It was indeed.” and then stabs the Priest.

S8. EXT-CHURCH-DAY

Paul tries to enter the church, now surrounded by police. He is let into church and sees Priest, dead on altar. Sees a cap his Uncle Jack wears in evidence bag, Questioned by SARGENT KELLY.

S10. INT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY

… walks in. Yells, “There’s been a murder.”. Sees a ransacked house and blood all over.

S12. EXT-SCHOOL STEPS-DAY

Paul is walking up the steps. He sees a new girl, SANDY, cute as a button, drive up and park. They quickly find out each are smart, like to read and are simpatico.

S13. INT- SCHOOL LIBRARY– NIGHT

A typical HS library. Third floor. Bookshelves, a few tables and chairs, desk lamps. Paul is studying in the library. Suddenly, the lights go out. He swears and shuts the books. Walks out …

S14. INT-HALL AND STAIRS-NIGHT

… into hall. Irritated. Hears a faint noise and pauses. Shrugs, starts again. Reaches the elevator and pushes the button. Nothing. Another sound, louder. “Who’s there?”. A flitting shape, just at the corner of his vision. Paul is scared. Reaches bottom – relieved.

S15. INT-FOYER-NIGHT

Outside door slams open. SANTOS, Paul’s nemesis since first year, moves in and punches Paul in the gut. Paul doubles over. Then he demands Paul; “Tell me the secret.” Over and over. Getting angry he pulls a knife. His buddies object. They all leave. Paul picks himself up and staggers out.

S17. EXT-SCHOOL STEPS-DAY

Paul is walking up the steps with Sandy, very close. Paul looks back and sees a MAN who looks like an ex-boxer who had too many fights, duck around the corner.

S19. EXT/INT-JACK’S BOAT AT PIER-DAY

Paul climbs aboard jack’s boat. There is a terrarium with a large tarantula in it. Paul gets as far away from it as possible. There is fear on his face. He never takes his eyes off it as he does chores. As he steps back on the pier the Man is seen, concealed behind a piling.

S20. EXT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY

Paul walks up to Jack’s door, opens it. Sees a gun on the table. Paul turns to escape and runs into the Man. Paul gets roughly pushed inside…

S21. INT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY

…and he grabs the gun. A hand grabs his wrist and Paul looks up at a wizened old man. “Uncle jack! I thought you were dead.”. The man following Paul is LENNY. Jack pretended to die when the priest was killed, because Jack was afraid for his life. “We have powerful enemies. I need to tell you a story your father would have told you when you were old enough.”…

LATER

… “and that’s the story of the wreck of the Santa Elena. We have all the records and a map of where the wreck went down.” Paul asks, “how did you get a map?”. Jack responds, “that ain’t a picture I’m proud of.”

Paul. “Are these longitude and latitude? Why haven’t you found the wreck? You’ve certainly looked.”.

Jack. We didn’t have the diving gear good enough. We didn’t have GPSs. When we did, we still couldn’t find it. Wrecks sink. How good is the map? Navigation was primitive in 1798.”

S30. INT- SCHOOL LIBRARY– DAY

Paul is reading with books open on the table. He starts up. Begins flipping through the books looking for something. He rushes out.

S31. INT-JACK’S HOUSE-DAY

Paul is explaining to Jack and Lenny that the Santa Elena went down before countries agreed on a Zero line, a Meridian, for longitude. Before that each country used its Zero through its capitol city. They agree it’s plausible, but they want to check it.

S32. INT-MARINE STATION-DAY

Paul and his group are talking to JASON a marine archeologist. He says it is possible.

S36. EXT-JACKS BOAT AT SEA-DAY

Paul sabotages the Cult’s Boat. The group leaves port at night and slip past the Cult. They dive for days, but do not find any treasure. They are threatened by sharks. They return, exhausted. How was Paul wrong?

S37. INT-BAR-NIGHT

The team breaks up. The group is angry at Paul for wasting their time. They start calling each other names. They tell Paul his books are useless and that he’s dumb, can’t do anything right.

S41. EXT-JACK’S BOAT PIER-NIGHT

Paul is miserably walking toward the boat. He sees a cap on the ground and recognizes it as Jack’s. He looks puzzled for a second and then rushes off.

S42. INT-PAUL’S HOUSE-NIGHT

Paul acts to rescue Jack. He shows Lenny the cap and both realize that Jack has been kidnapped by the Cult.

S45. EXT-CULT HOUSE BAYOU-NIGHT

Spooky, dark, old and overgrown. Lenny approaches with the shotgun and Paul apparently tied. Paul is begging and pleading to be let go. They are let in. They find Jack. They capture the Grand Inquisitor and free Jack. As they leave, they are ambushed by the Cultists and captured. Paul pulls the gun concealed in Lenny’s belt and holds it against the Inquisitors head. He doesn’t know how to use it, but bluffs the Cultists. A Mexican standoff. They disengage.

S47. INT-PAUL’S BEDROOM-NIGHT

Paul is quietly sleeping. The Grand Inquisitor creeps up to Paul. He raises the knife and plunges it into Paul’s chest. Blood spurts up into the Inquisitor’s face, and Paul jerks up in bed, yelling after his dream. Suddenly, he jumps out of bed and rushes to books piled on his desk. Frantically, he opens one, then another until he finds what he is looking for. “YES!!”.

S48. INT-PAUL’S HOUSE-DAY

Paul is telling Lenny and Jack his new solution to the map’s secret. Paul realizes the Santa Elena belonged to the Inquisition and they used a Meridian through their chapter house in Seville. They agree to go back to ask Jason if the new solution is plausible. Also, they realize they need another diver and agree to ask Jason to join them.

S50. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

The group starts their second voyage. They chose a time to sneak out. As they leave, the camera focuses under the deck on a blinking device. The Cult has planted a tracker.

S54. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

Several days have passed. The men are tired, dirty and exhausted. Most of the search squares have been checked off. They are looking defeated and disbelieving. Jason and Lenny begin another dive. Paul and Jack see the Cult’s boat approaching.

S55. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

The Cult and Paul’s team go boat-to-boat and hand-to-hand in a battle to the death. The Cult attacks while the divers are below. They pour blood into the water to attract sharks.

A Cultist boards Jack’s boat. He is armed and bigger than Paul. Paul overcomes his fears of spiders. Paul picks up the tarantula and throws it at his adversary who jumps overboard. Paul fires a flare gun into the nets on the Cult’s boat and starts a fire.

The Coast Guard sees the smoke and a helicopter and cutter approach. The Grand Inquisitor knows he has lost. He pours blood on his head and jumps to the sharks. The Cult is defeated. The divers are rescued.

S56. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

Hours later. The group is sitting around, exhausted. All except Paul want to give up. Paul sees the tarantula under a net. Paul picks up the spider and puts it back in its cage. All remember Paul’s terror of spiders. They are shamed and agree to one last dive.

S57. EXT-UNDERWATER-DAY

Jason and Lenny are on the bottom. They are raking the sand looking for old rigging. Jason gestures they are almost out of air and to surface. Suddenly Lenny’s rake catches in some ropes. He pulls and the rigging comes up from the sand in a line and at the end is the golden hilt of the Spanish Captain’s sword, glittering in the dim light.

S58. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY

Jason drugs Lenny and Jack. Jason pulls a gun and tells Paul he is a Cultist sent to study marine archeology to help the Cult find the treasure. He is going to kill them all, but needs them alive for the moment. Paul tricks him and knocks him overboard, but gets shot. He can’t help Jason when the sharks attack him. Paul manages to reach the helm and steer the boat toward port.

S59. INT-SCHOOL LIBRARY-DAY

The Principal reveals himself. He was the brains behind the Grand Inquisitor. He only wanted the money. Now, the Principal wants revenge.

He is going to burn the library with Paul and Sandy in it. He closed the valve to the library sprinklers. He starts to pour gasoline under the door. Paul rescues them by igniting the gas as it begins to ooze into the room. It catches the gas-soaked mat outside and explodes in the hall where the principal is pouring it. He burns. The hall sprinklers still work.

FADE OUT

[David Mailman]

David’s Misdirects…When Appropriate!

“What I learned is…?” Another challenge to think outside the box of a worked over script.

1. Check these three to see how effectively you used misdirection

A. The Red Herring character.

Looks criminal, hip flask, file in Cult possession, sneaking around, proximity to a murder.

B. The Villain’s plan.

None used. The plan was open to the audience.

C. The cover-up for each mystery present as “Reality.”

None used. Coverups specific.

2. Look through your Thriller Map for a few opportunities to add in misdirection.

A. Clue Misdirection.

Early on, plant the idea that the fight is between Cajun and Islander families for ethnic rivalries, not the treasure.

B. Character Misdirection.

Could add a priest who was sent to investigate the murder by the diocese. He would want to be discreet or incognito so as not to raise suspicion and that would raise suspicion.

Actually, now that I think about it, I could add another level of intrigue by having an undercover priest sent by the Vatican to investigate the murder and the suspicion that someone is trying to resurrect the Spanish Inquisition?

C. Dialogue Misdirection.

Can’t think of any.

[David Mailman]

David’s Trust Relationships

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Trust/mistrust relationships get built into scripts along the way. Focusing on them allows more to be added. Then it becomes another question of how to fit them into the script.

Create trust / distrust relationships between your characters and add them to your Thriller Map.

1. Make a list of the main characters.

2. With each character, ask these questions:

A. What is their basic state — trustable or not trustable?B. How might they really be trustable, but appear not trustable OR be not trustable, but appear trustable?

· C. What circumstances might cause them to switch from one to the other?

3. With each character relationship, brainstorm how trust or distrust might show up between them.

HERO:

Paul

VILLAIN:

Grand Inquisitor (GI)– not trustable.

The GI is never trustable and only appears in the background until the end. However, I may give him a character alter ego in the script later. E.g., he may be a banker who gives Jack a loan to save his boat, making him trustable. The real reason for the loan would be to let Jack go after the gold so he can be followed.

School principal– not trustable.

RED HERRING CHARACTER:

Lenny – trustable.

TRUSTED, BUT SHOULDN’T BE:

school principal– not trustable.

The principal seems trustable until the end when he tries to murder Paul and Sandy. He encourages Paul, tells him about scholarships, is very friendly with all students, especially minority, asks about Paul’s interests and says he can help with anything, just let him know.

ISN’T TRUSTED, BUT SHOULD BE:

Sandy- trustable.

But, Paul wonders why a cool, rich, popular girl would go out with him. Paul was told she belonged to a family with Cult connections. Her father was an executive with the oil company that owned the rig that killed Paul’s father. She was going to a Cult party.

But, she becomes trustable when she rescues Paul’s mother, leading to the arrest of most of the Cult. Also, she becomes Paul’s girlfriend before he finds the treasure.

Lenny- trustable.

But, Lenny is an alcoholic, appears out of nowhere, attaches himself to Jack, seems to have just the right skills for treasure hunting. Lenny’s past is unclear, he looks and is rough.

But, Lenny was not trustable until he revealed his father was the person on the burning oil rig that Paul’s father turned around to save before the rig blew.

4. Create a sequence for each trust/distrust relationship (like I did with Three Days of The Condor) and then add that to your map.

Hero / Villain: The Grand Inquisitor.

Distrust. The GI attacks Paul’s group on the high seas. The Grand Inquisitor acts behind the scenes. He does not appear until near the end of the script.

Hero / Lenny: Red Herring Character: Hero / Isn’t trusted, but should be:

Distrust. Paul is being followed by Lenny.

Distrust. Lenny is seen in the neighborhood before a neighbor is strangled in Paul’s yard.

Trust. Jack introduces Lenny to Paul.

Distrust. A file on Lenny is seen in the Cult’s boat.

Trust. Lenny reveals he is son of man Paul’s father tried to save.

Trust. Lenny is drugged by Cult member.

Hero / School Principal: Trusted, but shouldn’t be:

Trust. The principal appears in small parts until the third-act. He greets students, helps Paul and is very interested in Paul’s activities.

Distrust. He tries to burn Paul and Sandy alive.

Hero / Sandy: Isn’t trusted, but should be:

Trust. Paul is attracted to Sandy. She kids him for being shy. They both are smart and simpatico.

Distrust. Paul is told her family is associated with the cult.

Trust. They start going together.

Distrust. Paul learns her father is associated with the death of his father.

Trust. Sandy rescues Paul’s mother.

Trust. Sandy helps kill the principal.

[David Mailman]

David’s Dramatic Reveals.

“What I learned is…?” As usual, I had trouble figuring out how to apply the clear information in the lesson to the assignment. I kept trying to find coverups for all the reveals in each scene. Finally, I began to wonder if there was only one coverup at the beginning of the script for the first major setup until the final reveal at the end to solve the beginning coverup. I.e., few or no other scenes had their own coverups. All the intermediate scenes were only reveals with MIS.

1. Make a list of the important reveals that you want the audience to experience.

2. Sequence them to fit into your Thriller Map.

3. With each reveal, make sure the following are in place:

A. What is the reveal?B. How did it get covered up?C. What M.I.S. can be used to create demand to know the truth?D. When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact.

4. Build any improvements into your Thriller Map.

5. Tell us about the reveals you built into your Thriller Map.

A lot of the reveal/coverups below are setups or foreshadowings/reveals.

R. Jack keeps a large tarantula in a terrarium in his boat.

C. Jack was afraid of spiders too, so he kept one around to overcome his fears.

C. Jack kept the map in the sand at the bottom of the terrarium.

R. Paul’s father died trying to save Lenny’s father.

I. Paul and Jack find this out when they think Lenny is a Cultist and may kill him.

C. Lenny didn’t tell them because he felt guilty.

R. One of the Cultists is placing a tracker on Jack’s boat and taking their ammunition. Paul comes aboard. The Cultist hides and pulls out a knife. He will cut Paul’s throat if he is discovered.

S. Paul keeps just missing him and then leaves.

R. The secret of the map, 1&2.

M. The first solution occurs when Paul realizes that longitude was standardized in the 1880s. Before that each country, like Spain, had their own Prime Meridian. The Santa Elena sunk in the 1790s.

I. The second solution occurs when Paul realizes the Santa Elena belonged to the Inquisition and they used a Meridian through their chapter house in Seville. This occurred to him in a dream where he was stabbed by the Grand Inquisitor in costume.

R. Sandy’ sees Paul’s mother being kidnapped and taken to a house in town.

C. Sandy sees a girlfriend and tells her she saw a second-hand Gucci in just her color at a store. Paul says he’s surprised that a smart girl is interested in fashion.

I. She calls all her girlfriends and tells them to call all their girlfriends because the people at the house are selling $800. handbags for $25. The house is mobbed by girls and the police are called. The mother is freed.

R. Jack reveals the Inquisitor Navigator’s golden cross to Paul’s mother and she wants to sell it.

R. During the betrayal, Paul uses it to distract the betrayer and beat him.

C. The Historical FLASH BACK showed a French soldier ripping something from around the neck of the dead Inquisitor Navigator.

R. The betrayer admits to being a member of the cult and indoctrinated as a child.

C. The betrayer mentions he was born in Paul’s town and hasn’t seen his family in a long time.

R. Paul picks up a spider and shames the exhausted divers into one last dive.

R. Paul overcomes his fears of spiders to overcome a Cult attacker.

S. Paul hates spiders.

R. Paul depended on his reputation and test-score to get into college. Paul was expelled for copying the ACT tests.

I. The Cult and principal framed Paul.

R. Paul’s father was killed on a rig belonging to Carlton Oil.

M. Sandy’s father was in charge of the rig.

R. Principal stopped Paul from being killed because he knew that Paul can solve map.

M. Body of neighbor with shotgun found in Paul’s yard.

R. The Grand Inquisitor commits suicide. His piracy failed. He pours the blood that was used to attract sharks to the divers over his head and jumps in.

I. The GI told his Cultists that they must be willing to die for the Cause.

R. The treasure is found by the sword shining in the water just as the divers are giving up.

M. The HISTORIC OPENING describes a Conquistador showing his friend his new shining sword.

I. He uses his sword to try to free his friend from fallen rigging during the storm, but is trapped too.

S. The sacrifice of his life for a friend foreshadows Paul’s actions.

I. Paul uses the sword to cut his wrist ties and kill his betrayer.

R. Paul’s HS principal is the chief secret villain. He worked through the Grand Inquisitor. He only wanted the money. He had forged documents that said he was from the Vatican.

C. He had no direct part in the Cult’s activities.

He obtained information from the student’s gossip.

He was buddies with the students.

R. The principal wants revenge. He is going to burn the library with Paul and Sandy in it.

C. The principal was fooling around with the sprinkler valves to the library.

S. The librarian kept telling people to wipe their feet on the mat outside. She smoked. Paul rescues them by igniting the gas as it comes under the door. It catches the gas-soaked mat and explodes in the hall where the principal is pouring it. He burns. The hall sprinklers still work.

[David Mailman]

P.S. Scott Myers in 30 -Days of Screenplays, vol 1 showed why North by Northwest was a plot full of holes and wouldn’t work when you thought about it. Even the writers knew it.

[David Mailman]

David’s Twists and Turns

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” It is difficult to make twists in a script that has a plot already written. One is trapped in a sequence of events. It may be easier to plan ups and downs as one writes the scripts and then twist them in the opposite direction.

OPENING: ORIGIN OF TREASURE – FLASHBACK HISTORY.

INQUISITOR’S GOLD ROOM – TAMPICO – 1790

Show a room with starving Indians, whip marks, some bodies piled in the corner. Then an Inquisitor in his black robe and cowl gorging himself with food and drink while the Indians look at the food. Then pan to the gold room with glittering gems and shining gold, worked on by more starving Indians.

DECK SANTA ELENA – STORM

Begin showing the Santa Elena leaving port under full sail, a magnificent ship. Then cut to the Santa Elena in the storm, rigging falling, masts gone, decks awash, sailors panicking. Then the action with the Inquisitors and Conquistadores.

or

OPENING: Late night. Dark street. Old church. A few cars parked. Closed shops.

A priest is working late, putting out hymnals etc. A cowled, robed monk enters. Greets priest . Priest invites him in. They chat pleasantly. Monk is open and friendly. Priest asks what order the monk is in. “Tribunal del Santo Oficio de la Inquisición” the monk answers. Priest thinks. “I haven’t heard of that one” – thinks some more -Wasn’t that the Spanish Inquisition?”. “Yes indeed” the monk answers and stabs the priest in the belly.

INCITING INCIDENT: Paul, an 18-year-old high school student, tries to enter the church, now surrounded by police.

Paul is questioned by a Sargent who ends up questioning him at the other three murders Paul becomes involved in. The cop becomes increasingly suspicious and angry.

UNCLE JACK’S BOAT: Paul visits him and the theme is stated.

Real men don’t read books. They work at manly jobs.

UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE: An old house from the outside.

Paul rushes over from the church. Throws open the door and yells: “There’s been a murder”: and sees the blood-stained, ransacked house.

PAUL’S SCHOOL: Paul leaving school. Suddenly, power off. Walks downstairs. Spooky noises, flitting shapes. Skeleton on door of Biology Lab. Reaches bottom – sighs with relief.

Door slams open. Beaten by Cult member. Threatened with knife. What is the secret of the map?

MIDPOINT: Paul learns that his family is searching for a treasure ship and a murderous Cult is in competition.

Paul is relieved. Paul thinks they are going to tell him that he must go live with his grandmother.

CULTS BAYOU HOUSE: A dark, creepy open area next to the old house. Chains hanging from trees.

The Grand Inquisitor is having tea with two Cultists on the porch. Very social. A family with a little girl is sitting on the grass below. They are subdued. The GI then gives them a short talk on being disloyal and trying to leave the Cult. He beats on a tree trunk partly in the water and alligators come out and eat the chained screaming family.

UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE: Jack has disappeared. Paul is approaching the house and sees the man who was following him through the window. He is sitting at a table sharpening an axe.

Paul grabs a club and quietly opens the door. Paul raises the club and is about to hit the man over the head. A hand reaches out and grabs Paul’s wrist. It is Jack. He has returned. The man is Lenny who has joined the treasure hunters.

LATER:

There is a strong suspicion that Lenny belongs to the Cult. Paul can’t figure how or why Lenny joined his group. They find that Lenny’s father was the man who died when Paul’s father turned back to rescue him and died in the same explosion.

CULT PARTY: A house in town surrounded by a tall fence. A student -party given by some Cult children who have, maybe, a suspicion of something going on, but don’t know the full story, yet.

Paul is trying to sneak into the party, because he fears it may be a trap. He climbs the back fence. As soon as he gets above it, a horrible demon with blazing eyes and roaring mouth leaps at his face. Paul falls to the ground and the demon morphs into an ugly dog.

Sandy is trapped in a room with two-Cultists who are about to assault her. She is rescued by Santiago, who has been Paul’s nemesis all through school, but is fond of Sandy. He keeps Paul from being held by the Cult, and turns Sandy over to him.

FIRST TREASURE HUNT: Divers down. Search pattern squares being filled in.

A diver pops up. Holding a gold coin. “We found it”. Jack takes the coin, snaps it in two. “A Mardi Gras doubloon”.

PAUL’S MOTHER: A quiet, timid person through most of the script.

She tells Paul she knew of the treasure hunt and the fight with the Cult. She planted a time bomb that killed the Cultist that murdered her grandfather.

Paul’s mother gets angry when she finds the Jack had valuable historic letters related to the treasure and a gold, jeweled cross taken from the Inquisitor Navigator when he was killed. She demands these be sold and the treasure hunt stopped.

PAUL’S FEAR: Spiders of any kind. Jack keeps a large tarantula in a terrarium on his boat. All through the script Paul won’t go any nearer to it than he has to. The terrarium is broken when the Cult rams Jack’s boat. The tarantula is loose on the boat.

During the attack at the second treasure hunt, Paul flips the spider on one of the Cultists and he is so frightened that he jumps overboard.

Paul’s only weapon is a flare gun loose on the deck. He goes for it, but the tarantula is sitting on it. Paul pushes it away and gets the gun.

After the Cult is defeated, Paul’s group is exhausted. Paul wants one more dive. They can’t do it. Paul sees the tarantula loose on the deck, picks it up and puts it back. The group is reenergized and goes for one last dive.

I am toying with the idea that at the current end, when Paul has the girl, the treasure and the respect of everyone around him; to have a Grand Grand Inquisitor, hinted at in the script, appear. He would trap Paul and Sandy and attack them, burn the building etc. Then Paul would defeat him.

[David Mailman]

David’s Thriller Plot!

“What I learned is…?” This organization helps to visualize the timing of the sequences. Do they end up in a standard structure with the appropriate timing? What can be shown and what left out to tighten the plot?

List out your structure using whatever structure you are comfortable with.

OPENING: ORIGIN OF TREASURE – FLASHBACK HISTORY.

INQUISITOR’S GOLD ROOM – TAMPICO – 1790

Inquisitors beating Indians making gold bullion, polishing jewels, loading gold.

View of galleon The Santa Elena through window.

Conquistadores hate and fear Inquisition.

DECK SANTA ELENA – STORM

An Inquisitor washed overboard rather than release gold.

Inquisitor steps over trapped conquistador rather than free him.

One Conquistador tries to cut his friend free with his golden sword, but both become trapped. Inquisitor Navigator escapes.

AND/OR

OPENING: Lure us into the story and introduce the lead character in action.

Late night. Dark street. Old church. A few cars parked. Closed shops. Two men get out of the car. Dressed in hoods and robes. One guards door. One walks into the church. Greeted by priest. Stabs priest. Others get out of cars and enter church.

(Villain’s Plan 1: CULT TEMPLE (CHURCH) – PRESENT DAY

New Grand Inquisitor sworn in. Barbaric rituals. )

INCITING INCIDENT: An event that propels the Hero on the Journey.

Paul, an 18-year-old high school student, tries to enter the church, now surrounded by police. Says he was to meet his Uncle Jack. Let into church and sees priest dead on altar. Sees a cap Jack wears in evidence bag.

THREATS

1. Paul’s parish priest is murdered on the altar of his church. Paul’s Uncle Jack was seen with him shortly before the murder. Is this a threat or an attack on a friend?

MYSTERIES.

1. Paul’s father was killed in a rescue attempt, previously.

2. Priest sacrificed. Jack talked to him about Inquisition and treasure.

3. Jack set up as a murderer of the priest.

Villain’s Plan 1A.

Must get treasure and restore the Inquisition to its ancient glory. Kill all of Cajun treasure map owning family.

TURNING POINT : A major twist that locks the hero into the conflict. Point of no return.

Uncle Jack disappears from blood-stained house.

THREATS.

2. Was he killed? Paul investigates involving himself in danger.

3. Paul’s locker is searched. A fellow student is watching him.

4. Paul is threatened and told to reveal the secret. He doesn’t know a secret.

5. Paul meets cool, cute Sandy who seems to like him. Timid, bullied Paul wonders why.

6. Paul is deathly afraid of spiders. Why does his uncle keep a large spider on his boat?

7. Paul realizes he is being followed by a rough-looking character.

8. Paul finds his neighbor in his yard with his throat cut and a shotgun nearby.

9. Paul learns from his mother their family has murdered too.

MYSTERIES.

4. Uncle Jack disappears – blood stains at his ransacked house.

5. Paul’s house and school locker searched.

6. Paul beaten to confess something he doesn’t know.

7. Desirable Sandy falls for nerdy Paul.

(8. Jack meets Lenny in a bar and enlists him in the treasure hunt.)

9. Paul terrified by spiders, like the big one Jack keeps aboard his boat.

10. Why does Jack keep a large spider?

11. Paul is being followed by a tough looking man.

12. Paul’s neighbor has his throat cut while Paul is nearby.

13. Paul’s mother admits to being a murderer.

14.Jack’s boat searched. Cultists discuss their religion.

Villain’s Plan 2

PAUL’S SCHOOL – NIGHT

Paul leaving school. Suddenly, power off. Walks downstairs. Spooky noises, flitting shapes. Skeleton on door of Biology Lab. Reaches bottom – relieved. Door slams open. Beaten by Cult member. Threatened with knife. What is the secret of the map?

MIDPOINT: A major revelation. The opposition is 10 times worse than thought.

Paul learns that his family is searching for a treasure ship and a murderous Cult is in competition.

THREATS.

10. The Grand Inquisitor feeds a Cult family, who tried to leave, to trained alligators.

11. Jack returns. The man following Paul is Lenny, a man Jack picked up in a bar. Lenny has the skills needed for the treasure hunt. Should Jack trust him?

12. Sandy is lured to a Cult party. Paul goes to rescue her knowing it may be a trap. Was he setup?

13. Paul thinks he has solved the mystery of the map. Paul, Jack and Lenny check out Paul’s idea with Jason, a marine archeologist at the University Marine Station.

MYSTERIES.

15. Uncle Jack returns.

16. Apostate Cult family killed.

17. Paul learns he belongs to a treasure- hunting- family and they have a map.

18. Sandy is attacked.

19. Paul goes to a Cult party.

Villain’s Plan 3

SCHOOL LIBRARY

Paul’s research on treasure spied on.

SCHOOL CAFETERIA

A student-Cult member starts fight with Paul over Sandy, his girlfriend. Claims she belongs to a family associated with the Cult. Paul suspended from school.

CULT TEMPLE

The Cult may be trying to plant one of theirs into Paul’s treasure-hunting group.

DOCK

Sandy is threatened with assault.

TURNING POINT 2: Major setback. The lowest of the low.

Paul thinks he solved the mystery of the map, but an exhaustive search finds nothing. The team breaks up. The Cult frames him for a crime. He is expelled.

THREATS.

14. Paul sabotages the Cult boat. The treasure hunters go after the treasure.

15. They dive for days, but do not find any treasure. They return, exhausted.

16. The group is angry at Paul for wasting their time. They break up.

17. Jack is kidnapped by the Cult and taken to a Cult house on a spooky bayou. He is tortured to give information on the map.

18. Paul reforms the group to rescue Jack. They kidnap a Cultist and force him to show them the house.

19. Paul’s friends free Jack.

20. Paul’s friends are captured.

21. Paul frees his friends.

22. Paul is framed for a crime.

23. Paul stabbed to death.

MYSTERIES.

20. Paul thinks he solved the mystery of the map.

21. Jason checks solution’s accuracy.

22. Paul sabotages the Cult’s boat – almost caught.

23. Paul’s friends go after the treasure – none found. How was Paul wrong?

24. Group breaks up – angry at Paul.

25. Captain Jack is kidnapped by the Cult. Paul finds out.

26. Paul reorganizes the group to go after Jack.

27. Group kidnaps Cult member. Forces him to lead them to Cult house in bayou.

28. Group frees Jack. Then group captured. Then Paul frees them.

29. Paul framed for a crime.

30. Paul killed (a dream).

Villain’s Plan 4

DOCK

Paul’s Uncle Jack the chief of the treasure-hunting family is kidnapped.

CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE

Dark, spooky house on bayou. Jack is tortured. Rescued by Paul and friends. Then they are all captured.

SCHOOL

Paul is framed for a crime and expelled.

CLIMAX: The ultimate expression of the main conflict.

The Cult and Paul’s team go boat-to-boat and hand-to-hand in a battle to the death.

THREATS.

24. Paul comes up with a second solution to the map’s secret.

25. Convinces his friends to try a second search.

26. The group starts their second voyage. The Cult does not attempt to follow.

27. The cult has put a tracker on Paul’s boat and takes their ammo.

28. Paul’s mother is kidnapped.

29. Sandy rescues her.

30. Cult attacks Paul’s group while the divers are below. Cult throws blood in the water. Sharks gather and attack the divers.

31. The Cultists attack Paul and Jack. Jack knocked out. Paul takes over.

32. Paul faces his greatest fear.

32. The Cult is defeated. The divers are rescued. The Grand Inquisitor jumps to the sharks.

33. The group is exhausted, but Paul convinces them to try one last time.

34. They find the treasure.

35. They are betrayed.

MYSTERIES.

31. Paul has second solution for the map.

32. Convinces group to try again.

33. Paul’s boat leaves port. Cult not interested, apparently.

34. A tracker device was put on Paul’s boat and their ammo removed.

35. Paul’s mother kidnapped.

36. Sandy rescues mother.

37. Cult commits piracy.

38. Treasure found.

39. Betrayal.

Villain’s Plan 5

DOCK

A tracker device is put on Paul’s boat. Their ammo is removed.

PAUL’S HOUSE

Paul’s mother is kidnapped.

FAR INTO THE GULF

Piracy and boat-to-boat and hand-to-hand fighting.

Treasure recovered.

Betrayal.

RESOLUTION: The end of the journey in an emotionally satisfying way.

Paul gets the treasure and a girl and his self-confidence. He overcomes his personal opponent.

THREATS.

36. Paul conquers his nemesis.

MYSTERIES.

40. Ending

[David Mailman]

David’s Life Threatening Sequence

“What I learned is…?” Working out dangers seems more obvious than cover ups. One problem for me is to see how the scenes play out. I can create a danger, but how would it look on the screen? Would they be sequential?

Create your Life Threatening Sequence.

1. What is the Villain’s plan and how does that put the Hero in danger?

The Villain is a psychopath who has been born into a Cult of religious fanatics descended from the Spanish Inquisition. He has recently been chosen Grand Inquisitor of the Cult. He wants to find a sunken treasure ship, The Santa Elena, that originally, 200-years ago, belonged to the Inquisition. He wants to reestablish the Order of the Spanish Inquisition. A Cajun family has the original map of the ship’s location, but there is a secret to the map and the treasure is still lost. Paul, an 18-year-old, is a member of that Cajun family, but does not, as yet, know about the map or the treasure. Paul begins to investigate the murders of a priest followed by a that of close relative and becomes a person of interest to the Cult . Then, Paul finds out about the treasure and looks for the map-secret. Paul now becomes a person who must be made to reveal the secret or die.

2. What other potential dangers could your Hero experience as they try to solve the mystery and confront the Villain? and

3. From the list of potential dangers, choose the ones that work for this story.

Threats, Physical danger, Surveillance / watched, Chased, Lured into a dangerous situation, Trapped / Abducted / Arrested, Danger to someone they know, People around them die or are injured, Stalked, Thugs or professionals hired to hurt them, Presence of weapons or thugs, Something that damages their reputation, The chance that a relationship could end, The threat that their own secret could be revealed, Public humiliation, Betrayal from someone close, Someone operating covertly around them, Danger in diving for the treasure.

4. Sequence those dangers in order and make a list like the one I did for Basic Instinct above.

1. Paul’s parish priest is murdered on the altar of his church. Paul’s Uncle Jack was seen with him shortly before the murder and an item found at the scene belonged to him. Is this a threat or an attack on a friend? Why?

2. Jack disappears from his blood-stained house. Was he killed? Paul investigates involving himself in danger.

3. Paul’s locker is searched. A fellow student is watching him.

4. Paul is threatened and told to reveal the secret. He doesn’t know a secret.

5. Paul meets cool, cute Sandy who seems to like him. Timid, bullied Paul wonders why.

6. Paul is deathly afraid of spiders. Why does his uncle keep a large spider on his boat?

7. Paul realizes he is being followed by a rough-looking character.

8. Paul finds his neighbor in his yard with his throat cut and a shotgun nearby.

9. Paul learns from his mother their family has murdered too.

10. The Grand Inquisitor feeds a Cult family, who tried to leave, to trained alligators.

11. Jack returns. The man following Paul is Lenny, a man Jack picked up in a bar. Lenny has the skills needed for the treasure hunt. Should Jack trust him?

12. Sandy is lured to a Cult party. Paul goes to rescue her knowing it may be a trap. Was he setup?

13. Paul thinks he has solved the mystery of the map. Paul, Jack and Lenny check out Paul’s idea with Jason, a marine archeologist at the University Marine Station.

14. Paul sabotages the Cult boat. The treasure hunters go after the treasure.

15. They dive for days, but do not find any treasure. They return, exhausted.

16. The group is angry at Paul for wasting their time. They break up.

17. Jack is kidnapped by the Cult and taken to a Cult house on a spooky bayou. He is tortured to give information on the map.

18. Paul reforms the group to rescue Jack. They kidnap a Cultist and force him to show them the house.

19. Paul’s friends free Jack.

20. Paul’s friends are captured.

21. Paul frees his friends.

22. Paul is framed for a crime.

23. Paul stabbed to death.

24. Paul comes up with a second solution to the map’s secret.

25. Convinces his friends to try a second search.

26. The group starts their second voyage. The Cult does not attempt to folllow.

27. The cult has put a tracker on Paul’s boat and takes their ammo.

28.Paul’s mother is kidnapped.

29. Sandy rescues her.

30. Cult attacks Paul’s group while the divers are below. Cult throws blood in the water. Sharks gather and attack the divers.

31. The Cultists attack Paul and Jack. Jack knocked out. Paul takes over.

32. Paul faces his greatest fear.

32. The Cult is defeated. The divers are rescued. The Grand Inquisitor jumps to the sharks.

33. The group is exhausted, but Paul convinces them to try one last time.

34. They find the treasure.

35. They are betrayed.

36. Paul conquers his nemesis.

[David Mailman]

David’s Mystery Sequence

“What I learned is…?” It is still difficult for me to distinguish secret, coverup and mystery from each other. Especially, when they can apply to different characters who are interacting with each other. It seems clear in the examples and the lesson, but when the script is still amorphous, not so. Are there transitions, scenes and/or actions that are neither?

What is the big secret that the Villain is covering up?

In his insane, perverted mind, the Villain needs to find the Santa Elena and recover the treasure to reestablish the Spanish Inquisition from his present Cult.

How many ways can they cover that secret? Those become the mysteries.

Maintain the unquestioning obedience of the Cult fanatics.

Remove potential threats to the Cult and the goals.

Spy on a family that may have a map to the treasure.

Force some in the family to reveal what they know by direct or indirect force.

Find and steal the map.

Follow the map-holders to the treasure.

Plant Cult fanatics among the map holders.

The first mystery must engage the Hero into solving it.

Paul’s parish priest is sacrificed on the altar of his church. There is evidence of a dozen people involved. Evidence left behind implicated Paul’s Uncle Jack. He has an alibi. Then Jack disappears with foul play evident. Paul becomes involved.

Sequence the mysteries so that each one leads us to the next one. Include ONE Red Herring mystery if you can.

MAIN MYSTERIES.

A. Will Paul ever become assertive?

B. Why was the priest sacrificed?

C. What happened to Jack?

D. Why would a cool girl like Sandy like a nerd like Paul?

E. Who is following Paul?

F. What is the history of the treasure?

G. What is the secret of the map?

H. Who will recover the treasure?

Create a Mystery Chain for each main mystery.

Will Paul ever become assertive?

· Paul bullied. Avoids conflict. Feels loss of father.

· Becomes concerned about priest’s murder.

· Investigates Jack’s disappearance.

· Threatened by other students.

· Meets Sandy.

· Being followed. Confronts person.

· Neighbor killed near him.

· Jack returns.

· Paul learns about map and history.

· Paul organizes treasure hunt.

· Sabotages Cult boat.

· Begins treasure salvage.

· Fights for his life.

· Overcomes his fears to win.

· Gets Sandy.

· A final act of assertiveness.

Why was the priest sacrificed?

· Coordinated attacks on Paul and family.

· Cultists

· Slaughter of apostate family.

· Map history.

· Paul’s mother kidnapped.

· Final attack of piracy.

What happened to Jack?

· Priest killed.

· Foul play and disappearance.

· Meets Lenny in a bar and enlists him in the treasure hunt.

· Man following Paul.

· Jack returns.

· History of the map.

Why would a cool girl like Sandy like a nerd like Paul?

· Sandy is a good-looking, social girl. Paul loves books.

· Paul is told Sandy is from a family connected with the Cultists.

· Sandy’s father was associated with the death of Paul’s father.

· Did Sandy lure Paul into a trap of Cultists?

What is the secret of the map?

· How can the study of history lead to a solution?

Who will recover the treasure?

· Paul’s friends are outmanned and outgunned.

· There may be a Cult plant with the treasure hunters.

· How can Paul win when all his friends are drugged and he is held at gunpoint?

[David Mailman]

Hi Cheryl. Can I post a copy of a funny article on Hannibal Lector from the New Yorker with attribution?

[David Mailman]

David’s Villain Has a Great Plan!

“What I learned is…?” My Thriller may not be. I compare it to BI and SOTL and it doesn’t seem as thrilling, intriguing or mysterious. Maybe a sub-genre? Dramatic thriller?

To create your Villain’s plan, answer these four questions:

What is the end goal?

To find the treasure. To serve the Inquisition Religion. To reestablish the Order of the Inquisition.

How can the Villain accomplish that in a devious way?

Find the map. Force information from people who know the map. Follow the people who have the map. Isolate the Hero.

How can they cover it up?

Remain hidden. Kill witnesses. Plant misleading information. Use disguises.

Sequence it to make it as intriguing as possible.

ORIGIN OF TREASURE – HISTORY.

INQUISITOR’S GOLD ROOM – TAMPICO – 1790

Inquisitors beating Indians making gold bullion, polishing jewels, loading gold.

View of galleon The Santa Elena through window.

Conquistadores hate and fear Inquisition.

DECK SANTA ELENA – STORM

An Inquisitor washed overboard rather than release gold.

Inquisitor steps over trapped conquistador rather than free him.

CULT TEMPLE – PRESENT DAY

New Grand Inquisitor sworn in. Barbaric rituals. Must get treasure and restore the Inquisition to its ancient glory. Kill all of Cajun treasure map owning family.

PAUL’S SCHOOL – NIGHT

Paul leaving school. Suddenly, power off. Walks downstairs. Spooky noises, flitting shapes. Skeleton on door of Biology Lab. Reaches bottom – relieved. Door slams open. Beaten by Cult member. Threatened with knife.

SCHOOL LIBRARY

Paul’s research on treasure spied on.

SCHOOL CAFETERIA

A student-Cult member starts fight with Paul over Sandy, his girlfriend. Claims she belongs to a family associated with the Cult. Paul suspended from school.

CULT TEMPLE

The Cult may be trying to plant one of theirs into Paul’s treasure-hunting group.

DOCK

Sandy is threatened with assault.

DOCK

Paul’s Uncle Jack the chief of the treasure-hunting family is kidnapped.

CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE

Dark, spooky house on bayou. Jack is tortured. Rescued by Paul and friends. Then they are all captured.

SCHOOL

Paul is framed for a crime and expelled.

DOCK

A tracker device is put on Paul’s boat. Their ammo is removed.

PAUL’S HOUSE

Paul’s mother is kidnapped.

FAR INTO THE GULF

Piracy and boat-to-boat and hand-to-hand fighting.

Treasure recovered.

Betrayal.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

P.S. I wonder if there aren’t subliminal questions that make a movie stick in your mind. Did Clarice and Crawford hook up after the movie? Did Clarice see Lector as a father figure/surrogate? What did Lector see in Clarice?

[David Mailman]

David’s SOTL Stacking Suspense

Things I learned from SOTL.

I am still having trouble separating M, I and S. Sometimes they seem interchangeable or so interconnected that I don’t know which is which. Frequently, mystery creates the suspense which creates the intrigue which generates the mystery.

I got 40-scenes in the table. I was brain-dead by the time I finished so I couldn’t analyze it more. But, what stuck with me were a few things.

The characters and action had arcs and arcs within arcs. Clarice went from a small country girl (accent and size of people around her) to a feted star at the end. I guess her lambs stopped screaming. She had two-Mentors (Lector and Crawford. I’ve seen Mentors as a role in story-telling.). She was up and down several times. One, first success being sent to Lector, then failure with Lector, but success when he calls her back after Miggs, then failure when she remembers her father. Two, back to FBI classes, then success finding Storage Facility, then partial success visit to Lector, then next victim. Lector had an arc of being in prison to free; being bad by reputation at first, then sympathetic with Clarice, then really vicious when he escaped, then sympathetic when he went after Chilton.

Also, there seemed to be a pattern of good guys being up when the bad guys were down and vice versa. E.g., at end Clarice finds Bill, Bill escapes, Clarice in tough spot, Clarice finds Catherine, Clarice on her way out for help, Bill turns the lights off, Bill clicks hammer, Bill dead.

The MIS arc for the plot and characters switched several times in the story and reconnected. Some of the story lines were; Clarice’s memories, Clarice’s ambition, Clarice’s origins; Buffalo Bill’s crimes, the search for him, Catherine’s capture, her holding the dog, her release; Lector’s plans, clues, escape; Chilton’s character, Lector’s escape, Chilton with a nice Chianti; the search for the false Buffalo Bill, the triple-cuts at the end etc.

It was interesting that Basic Instinct and SOTL both were thrillers that dealt with a superior or super-cunning mind/madman facing detectives. The heroes were thrust into the situation, over their heads, but competent. The endings were very different.

There were some clever directing touches that amplified the script. I especially liked when Clarice went into the elevator at FBI-HQ and everyone inside was at least a half-foot taller.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

David’s BI Stacking Suspense

Things I learned about Thrillers. It is possible to have a thriller so well-crafted that many in the audience miss the conclusion. I thought the suspense was how far Catherine could push the envelope. Everything else was filler for her manipulation. She was 10X smarter than anyone else in the room and she wanted to show it. She did.

Catherine did all the murders. Beth was the Red Herring. Beth was framed. Everything pointing to Beth was planted or arranged by Catherine. That’s the only explanation consistent with all the clues. Although, Nick being the primary target is a possibility.

Catherine planned this years ago to get even with Beth for rejecting her. She killed Beth’s husband to get her back or for revenge. All this was concurrent with all her other murders. Nick was interesting by himself and attracted her attention from the original newspaper articles, and association with Beth. A lagniappe.

Not the least clue is the text Nick read in her manuscript in which Catherine described the murder of the detective’s partner a few hours before it happened. Even the protagonist, Nick, discarded that clue. However, he was not thinking with his head at that point. Catherine did not plan to fall in love, or lust, with Nick. Anyone want to give me odds as to when she’ll pick up that icepick?

What great bookend open and closing scenes.

The acting was a large part of establishing dominance and suspicion, because it was invited.

Editing was tight. Scenes felt as if they were over too soon.

Directing exceptional. Even static scenes had a sense of motion.

[David Mailman]

David’s World and Characters!

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” It is difficult to separate and isolate mystery, intrigue and suspense from each other, and to anticipate how they will finally occur and play out in from unfinished script.

1. Remind us of your CONCEPT:

A bullied 18-year-old must face his personal fears to solve the mystery of a treasure map or his family will be murdered by a Cult of psychopaths descended from the Spanish Inquisition.

Big Mystery: What can Paul do to locate the treasure and then retrieve it while protecting friends and family? Are there connections between the past and present?

Big Intrigue: A Cult of religious fanatics wants the treasure and will stop at nothing to get it. Paul’s family and the Cult have been enemies for 200-years.

Big Suspense: Can Paul get over his fear of action and find the treasure while protecting his friends?

2. Tell us the Intriguing World you have selected for this story.

The secretive world of an old, isolated town on the Louisiana coast. Everything seems normal, on the surface.

The action is based in a large town on the Louisiana coast. The Gulf and bayous are close by. The two-main ethnic groups are the Cajuns and Islanders. The Cajuns are of French origin and the Islanders are from the Canary Islands of Spain. The groups have been part of the town for two-hundred years. There is hostility between them because of ethnic and religious rivalry.

There is also a more ominous rivalry. Some of the Islanders descended from Spanish Inquisitors sent to find a treasure ship, the Santa Elena, that sank in a storm two-hundred years ago. Some of the Cajuns descended from French soldiers who found the Inquisitor navigator, who had survived the sinking, and killed him to get the map to where the ship went down. Some members of each family are known to the other, but others not. They have been fighting each other, overtly and covertly, for the two-hundred years they have been there.

3. With your top 2 or 3 characters, tell us the role they play and then answer these three questions:

PAUL. The protagonist. A timid 18-year-old. Smart and reads.

A. What is the mystery of this character?

Can he use his mind to solve the mystery of the treasure map? Will Paul rise to the occasion?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Will he overcome the Cult and find the treasure?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

Can he figure out who is a friend and foil plots?

GRAND INQUISITOR. Head of the Cult. A psychopathic religious fanatic.

A. What is the mystery of this character?

How can he force the secret of the treasure? Can he be found out?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

How evil can he be? How may he attack?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

How can he use the Cult? How does he connect with the past?

UNCLE JACK. Head of Paul’s family and keeper of the map. Lives in the past.

A. What is the mystery of this character?

Can he change his mind about his and Paul’s life?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Will he survive the Cult? Will he break away from the past?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

How much of the map’s secrets does he know?

LENNY. An engineer who has the technical expertise to pinpoint the treasure. A rough character.

A. What is the mystery of this character?

Why did he join the treasure hunt? How can we trust him?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Can he provide the expertise to complete the treasure hunt?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

What can he teach Paul about life?

SANDY. Paul likes her, but she has some suspicious background. Smart, assertive and pretty.

A. What is the mystery of this character?

What about her background makes a connection with Paul difficult?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Will she get together with Paul? Will she become a target for the Cult?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

Is she a member of the Cult?

[David Mailman]

Not an assignment – did any who saw Basic Instinct think Beth was the murderer and not Catherine?

[David Mailman]

David’s Big M.I.S.

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” It can be difficult to find the bigger themes among the smaller ones.

TITLE. Treasures of the Santa Elena.

LOGLINE. A bullied 18-year-old must face his personal fears to solve the mystery of a treasure map or his family will be murdered by a psychopathic Cult descended from the Spanish Inquisition.

1. What are the conventions of your story?

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero:

Paul is an 18-yearold Cajun who has retreated into a world of books and fear after his father dies during an heroic rescue. He finds he belongs to a family of treasure hunters who have been looking for a sunken galleon, the Santa Elena, for two-hundred years. The family has a map, known to be authentic, to the wreck, but many searches have not found it. Paul uses his mind to discover the secret. Then, he must destroy a homicidal Cult descended from the Spanish Inquisition, the original owners of the treasure, before it destroys him and his family.

Dangerous Villain:

The Santa Elena was the last treasure ship belonging to the Spanish Inquisition. A Cult, descended from the original Inquisitors, is also still hunting for it. Driven by perverted religious fanaticism they have become even more blood thirsty. They will stop at nothing to retrieve the treasure and restore their order. The new Grand Inquisitor has ordered maximum effort.

High stakes:

The lives of Paul, his family and friends are far more important than the $100-milllion treasure. All will be lost if Paul fails.

Life and death situations:

Paul’s family and the Cult have been enemies for two-centuries. Even if the treasure is found, their hostility must be resolved by death of one or the other in this generation.

This story is thrilling because?

There is a race to find a sunken treasure by solving the mystery of a treasure map. Once the mystery is solved, can the treasure be recovered? Can the Cult be destroyed? Who of Paul’s family will be murdered by the Cult. Is everyone who they say they are?

2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?

Big Mystery:

Will Paul be able to conquer his fears and take charge of the crisis? Can the treasure be found?

Big Intrigue:

What evil will the Cult do to destroy Paul’s family and find the treasure?

Big Suspense:

Attacks by the Cult.

[David Mailman]

P.S. I would have to call Die Hard a crime-thriller sub-genre, but a romantic-thriller would be a close second.

[David Mailman]

To all.

Does anyone know how this exchange is to take place, practically? Do we pick? Are the critiques posted here? Only to the individual?

I would be OK with either.

[David Mailman]

1. David Mailman.

2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[David Mailman]

Hi everyone.

David Mailman

One completed first draft. Needs serious work. Eight in idea to basic plan stages.

The ability to write a script that pleases me: and, maybe, wins a few contests.

First, my age: 83. I was a professor of physiology for 41- years. I loved every minute of it. I retired 16-years ago. I’ve always considered movies the greatest art-form, so I started taking film-making courses. I wrote or directed half-a-dozen short films that were shone on local TV; only one of which was worth anything. I also made a feature length documentary DVD on nautical history. It sold six-copies, but I didn’t put much effort into marketing it. I also worked on a “real” film on the craft table, as a set dresser, face-in-the-crowd and general factotum. I call it “a real film” because it had a budget.

About three-years ago I started writing scripts. One problem with being an academic and scientist is that I deal in stories that are believable and sterile. Also, I deal in text, not subtext. This attitude makes writing commercial movie scripts very difficult.

[David Mailman]

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” To consciously look for characteristic beats in the plot.

DIEHARD Thriller Conventions

2. Watch the movie and as you do, note the conventions of THIS story.

Unwitting but Resourceful Hero:

A NY cop. Presumably, skilled and tough. Armed and knows guns. Stumbles into a major heist.

Dangerous Villain:

A super-cool villain. Put together a bunch of professional killers and technicians. Planned the heist to the smallest detail. Certain of success. Thinks on his feet. Ruthless, doesn’t care about killing dozens of innocent people.

High stakes:

Hundreds of millions. The lives of dozens. Especially, McClanes wife.

Life and death situations:

All the hostages. Professional killers. Cops and FBI agents. Kill or be killed.

This movie is thrilling because?

It never stopped after the action started. John, Holly, hostages were always going from one dangerous situation to the next. How the good guys were saved was always a surprise. The danger kept building up with more people at risk as the story unfolded. Holly’s exposure by the reporter. Outside attacks failing. The cops and FBI guys were as dangerous as the criminals. McClane was the only hope. The FBI guys killed and the hostages free. There were multiple endings. Hans and Karl killed twice. John and Holly free and then threatened. The cop shooting at the end.

3. What is the BIG Mystery, Intrigue, and Suspense of this story?

Big Mystery:

How to save the hostages.

Big Intrigue:

How to rob and get out undetected.

Big Suspense:

How to stay alive.

4. Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great thriller?

The first suggestion of a thriller was only McClane’s gun and his being a cop. His fear of flying gave him a weakness and showed he was not some superhero who could overcome bad guys with his little finger.

The trip in the limo was an entertaining, non-expositional, way of introducing John’s and Holly’s backstory.

The setups were very effective; the shoes at the beginning; Holly and John were still in love; Takagaki was a sympathetic character and his early death made the stakes higher and the bad guys badder; Ellis was a creep and no one cared when he died; the limo driver was a significant, but minor character, but he was always in the background waiting to play his role. The construction giving several different areas where action could occur. The watch at the beginning and end. The cop who wouldn’t use his gun.

John’s character is shown in just a few minutes of scene.

It was 14-min into the film before there was even the hint of a thriller. Then, only an out of place truck moving and ominous music. Seventeen-minutes before the truck again and criminals entering.

Tense situations where one can see slowly developing threats.

The primary, secondary and tertiary characters all have presence. You could give them all a backstory.

All the hardware, explosions, shooting, glass breaking, people getting killed, fire engines etc.

The humor that was worked in.

[David Mailman]

David’s Outline Version 1.

Title: ALIEN RESURRECTION

Logline: A crippled ex-FBI agent must destroy the Cult that killed his daughter to save humanity from Alien extermination.

1. AN FBI OFFICE.

Relaxed, doing normal business. The usual desks, windows and rest rooms.

A shadow darkens the office. An Alien spaceship passes over the building. People become angry or fearful. The spaceship stops moving. People become hysterical after a few minutes. The effect is so awful that one agent blows his brains out in the restroom and another takes poison, although there is no overt threat. The spaceship moves on and people slowly relax.

SAUL, the protagonist, is one of the agents. An average Joe doing his FBI job. He also became panicked. Can barely answer the phone when his wife calls. He excitedly volunteers to pick up his daughter, Joann. He needs the reassurance of seeing her after the experience

2. SCHOOL AND STREET.

Saul is driving peacefully to Joann’s school. Turns a corner and sees a demonstration. Frightened, he is reassured by a COP and sees that the demonstrators are peaceful.

Some of the demonstrators belong to an antiAien psychopathic Cult, sworn to destroy the Aliens. They believe that by killing enough humans and creating chaos the Aliens will leave. They target children, because the Aliens sterilized many humans and exterminated others by mind control.

RUTH, the antagonist and head of the Cult, is monitoring the situation.

Most cops leave and Ruth orders the shooting. The one remaining Cop is shot first. The Cultists start shooting. Children teachers, and bystanders are being slaughtered,

Saul rushes in, shooting Cultists and rescuing children. Saul and Joann are almost shot, but the Cop kills the Cultist just before dying. The Cultists leave as more cops arrive.

Just as Saul thinks they are safe, Ruth returns to deliberately murder Joann and badly wound Saul before driving off again.

3. HOSPITAL.

Ruth enters the hospital determined to kill Saul in revenge for foiling her plans. He is saved when Ruth finds out he is certain to die. Saul is badly injured, but saved with the help of Alien medical devices. He is given enhanced reflexes by a brain implant during his surgery.

Saul’s wife becomes catatonic because of the loss of her daughter. Saul promises her that he will kill the woman who is responsible. She was laughing when she killed the daughter but she won’t be laughing when Saul gets through with her.

4. REHAB ROOM.

Saul finds he has superfast reflexes and above normal strength.

5. ANOTHER FBI OFFICE.

Saul is fired from the FBI because they consider him a freak, with his alien derived reflexes, and his traumatic experiences.

6. STREET.

Saul is leaving the FBI office when a woman, SANDY, starts to follow him. He tries to corner her, but she almost breaks his arm. She is a tough cookie. She tells him she belongs to an Agency that protects the Aliens from human threats, because of fear of what Aliens might do, if provoked. The Agency is secret, because most people hate the Aliens, because of what they did. Even though, the world is a better place without the criminals who were exterminated. The Agency wants Saul.

7. AGENCY OFFICE.

A messy office – anarchic, people cleaning weapons, smoking, lounging, arguing. Not at all like the FBI.

Saul goes to the Agency and they hire him because of his hatred of the Cult.

Saul learns the Agency is only loosely bound by laws. They are a government vigilante organization. MORGAN is second in command.

Saul questions if the Agency is any better than the Aliens if they kill without due process. He’s partnered with Sandy. They are told to go to a Dr. Benedict’s lab, because he is an expert on the Aliens.

8. BENEDICT’S LABORATORY.

Dimly lit, shadows. Lab and work benches with chemicals, electronics and construction materials. A large, echoing space. The robots are industrial types. They have wheels, treads, tool-arms. Not humanoid. Robots are working at their stations. A few are sweeping, cleaning etc.

Benedict gives them a brief history, with visuals, of the Alien invasion, ten years before. They appeared overhead and commandeered radio and TV communications. They announced that in one week, at midnight, all humans who had committed a violent crime or politicians who had betrayed the public trust would be exterminated after three-hours of unimaginable pain. Those who were less culpable would be sterilized. The Aliens used specific mind-control to carry this out. Millions died and hundreds of millions were sterilized.

The result was peace and prosperity. Almost no crime, armies, prisons, pollution, species extinction, global warming, but plenty of food, housing for everyone, taxes for education and health care etc. Most humans still hated the Aliens for their attack.

Benedict shows them some inventions he’s worked on. There is an EMP device he hoped to use on the Aliens, but it was not powerful enough to reach the ships. Also, a mind-control device he had hoped to turn against the Aliens, but it only destroyed brain function.

Benedict admires the Aliens. He believes that people should be ruled by intelligence and strength.

9. AGENCY OFFICE.

Saul and Sandy get information about a bomb-making factory…

10. BOMB FACTORY.

Roughly furnished room. Tables with bomb-making equipment and tools.

…They follow other agents in after the room has been cleared of bodies. A young GIRL is being tortured. Saul uses a fake video of Aliens eating people to frighten her into telling him where the bomb is. The Cult is trying to put a bomb on an Alien spaceship.

11. SHUTTLE PORT.

There are buildings around the edge of the field, including a large restaurant. There are palettes, piles of packages and various assemblies all around.

Saul and Sandys go to the space shuttle port supplying Alien ships with materials. They quickly find the bomb and disarm it. Feeling relaxed, they don’t see a dozen- drones gathering.

The drones attack with lasers and grenades. Saul and Sandy try to shoot the drones, but they are too many and too fast. The explosions and laser firing make the situation desperate. They are forced to run and dodge to avoid being killed, but the open ground is too exposed. They run into a restaurant.

12. RESTAURANT.

A restaurant with the usual tables, chairs, booths, columns, gas grill in the back behind the service counter, a bar, racks of glasses and bottles etc.

They continue to fight the drones, but are outgunned and outmanned. They destroy a few, but the restaurant becomes a shambles. There is no place to hide. They go back -to-back and freeze, waiting for the inevitable. Luckily, the drones can’t target unmoving objects. They put off the inevitable for a short time, but gradually the drones reacquire their targets. However, Saul had started a fire on the stove and the smoke set off the smoke alarms. The sprinkler system starts spraying water that shorts out the drones and they all fall to the floor.

13. CULT HEADQUARTERS.

A dark house. Lots of staircases, doors, rooms, corners, windows to crash through, landings to fall from etc.

The Agency finds Ruth’s hideout and attacks like a SWAT team. Commands shouted: “Two-man CQC!”, “Move!”, “Cover!”, “Clear!”, etc.

Use armored cars, RPGs, automatic weapons, flame throwers. Snipers across the street. Move in like army special forces. Night viewing glasses. People getting shot. Hand to hand combat. Saul uses enhanced reflexes to kill opponents. Sandy is wounded. LAURA, Ruth’s girlfriend, is wounded. Ruth is captured.

Sandy puts a gun to Ruth’s head and tells Laura to talk, or else. Laura tells them of a

mole in the Agency. Laura is removed.

Ruth tells Saul that if he kills her, he is no better than the Aliens and she will be freed anyway, because everyone hates the Aliens. Saul hesitates, then shoots Ruth in the kneecaps and kidneys. He records her screams on the video, locks the door and tells his agents that the room is clear.

14. AGENCY HEADQUARTERS.

Saul tells Morgan, second in command, that they have killed the head of the antiAliens. Morgan thinks he means Benedict and his role is revealed.

15. BENEDICT’S LABORATORY.

As before with the robots.

Saul and Sandy meet Benedict at his lab. Morgan is dead. Benedict activates the robots and they attack. The robots have saws, blowtorches, clubs, nail-guns etc. as weapons. The fight is viewed through external and robot’s POV. Bullets can damage some robots, but not others. Some robots are inactivated, but there are too many.

Saul makes it to Benedict’s office, but is attacked by a robot dog.

Sandy is trapped by a flame throwing robot.

Just in time, Sandy manages to work her way to the switch that tuns on Benedict’s prototype EMP machine. The EMP inactivates the robots. Saul fights with Benedict and forces his head into the mind-control device. Benedict becomes a babbling idiot.

16.SAUL’S HOME.

Saul plays the tape of Ruth’s screams to his catatonic wife and she smiles.

[David Mailman]

David’s Fast formatting!

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” One can have a lot of fun by playing with these techniques to make the action livelier.

INT – CULT BOMB FACTORY – DAY

Roughly furnished room. Tables with bomb-making equipment and tools.

Agents have arrived previously. There are bodies lying around. The rooms have been shot up. Several prisoners are handcuffed and being removed.

Saul and Sandy enter. One AGENT is working at a table. He is wrapping a little plastique around a detonator cap and attaching it to a timer and battery assembly from some on the desk.

A young GIRL, maybe twelve is on the floor tied hand and foot, and stretched out. Mouth bleeding and bruised. Could have been Saul’s daughter in a few years.

AGENT.

She’s a stubborn bitch. We can’t find the finished bombs. There’re photos and timetables of the shuttle loading areas.

SAUL.

They’re trying to get a bomb on board an Alien ship.

SANDY.

That’ll make the shit hit the fan. She needs to talk. It shouldn’t be too hard.

GIRL.

Never. You can’t scare me. I’m doing God’s work. Those devils will die and we’ll be free again.

The agent jams the charge between her legs. He sets the timer where she can see it.

AGENT.

Five minutes sweetie. Actually, four. That’s when we leave the room. It’s a small charge. You won’t die right away.

GIRL.

How can you help them? They killed millions of helpless people in the most horrible way. Half the world can’t have children.

SAUL.

You people killed children. My daughter included. Aliens killed people who deserved to die. They sterilized people who were sociopaths and bred more sociopaths.

GIRL.

If we kill enough people, the Aliens will leave. We will be free again. You should be helping us.

SAUL.

Look at the world now. It’s never been better.

SANDY.

They kill by mind control. If they’re so bad why aren’t you and the people like you screaming in pain now.

AGENT.

Three-minutes.

SANDY.

Honey, you can have a life. Kids. There won’t be prison. You know most convicts only go to rehab. Don’t inform on your friends. Just tell us where the bombs are going and when they’ll go off.

AGENT.

Two minutes.

SAUL.

You people shot my daughter and a dozen other children while they were playing in a school yard. She died in my arms.

GIRL.

She was collateral damage and part of our plan. That’s what you get, Alien-lover.

Saul yells, draws his gun, cocks it and holds it to her head, shaking.

SANDY.

SAUL!

He puts the gun away.

GIRL (praying)

Oh God! Take me to your bosom. Consign the Godless Aliens to Hell. Burn heretics who protect them. I am strong. I will see my family again. Etc.

AGENT.

One minute. So long, sweet dreams.

The agent leaves the room. Sandy pulls Saul and they leave and close the door.

30-seconds.

20 -seconds

10-seconds

The Girl still praying.

Saul bursts into the room and pulls the wires away from the timer.

SAUL.

OK. We’ll play this another way.

GIRL.

I’ll never talk. You won’t kill me.

SAUL.

You’re right about that. We’re going to give you a treat that only a few people have had.

Actually, a few thousand. The experience was so exciting they couldn’t get over it.

Have you ever ridden in a space shuttle?

GIRL.

No one has.

SAUL. Wrong. Have you ever been inside an Alien ship?

GIRL.

Of course not.

SAUL.

Have you ever seen an Alien.

The girl has gotten quiet and is fidgeting uncomfortably. She is staring at Saul and licking her lips.

SAUL.

Did you ever wonder at all that beef that gets shipped up to the Aliens?

I’m going to show you something that had to be smuggled off one of their ships.

Have you had lunch yet …

…I think it’s lunch time.

Saul takes out the video player that he had the Agency make. He holds it in front of the girl.

SOUNDS (O.S.) from video.

Human screams, grunting, snarling, bones crunching, flesh tearing, more screams, snuffling, more screams. Then, just bone crunching, flesh tearing and slurping.

The girl is screaming and hysterical.

EXT – SHUTTLE LOADING AREA – DAY.

The shuttle is a flying saucer, the size of an 18-wheeler. It is surrounded by danger cones and a red circle about 15-feet out from the edge.

A dog walks into the red area and is jolted into the air, yelping. It falls, lays still, gets up, looks at the place and staggers away.

There are buildings around the edge of the field, including a large restaurant. There are palettes, piles of packages and various assemblies all around.

There are mobile palettes and loading vehicles. The drivers bring loaded palettes up to the red area and use remote controls to move them to an elevator that brings them into the ship.

Saul and Sandy are checking the codes on the palettes. They find one and carefully start to move packages off. They find one and remove it, holding it gingerly. They sit down on a box, open the package and cut some wires. They sit back relieved.

SANDY.

That was easy.

SAUL.

It always worries me when things are too easy. I’m superstitious.

SANDY.

Relax and enjoy it.

Did you ever have worries about this job? When you really think about it, whose side should we be on. Not that I think these crazies could drive the Aliens away if they didn’t want to go.

While Saul and Sandy are talking, drones are seen over their shoulders, gathering over a jungle-gym-like structure in back of them.

They stand up, turn around and see the drones.

SAUL.

I knew it.

Very quietly Saul hands Sandy the bomb. He slowly pulls his gun.

SAUL.

One, two, three.

Sandy throws the bomb …

POW! POW! POW!

… and Saul fires at the package just as the drones begin to move. The bomb explodes killing several drones, but about ten escape the blast.

The drones fire pulsing lasers…

ZAP! BANG! ZAP! BANG! ZAP! BANG!

– that blow flaming holes in whatever they hit.

Saul and Sandy start running and dodging around the palettes and piles.

The two barely miss being blasted where the lasers hit. Saul could shoot them out of the sky, but as soon as he takes aim at one, he is attacked or shot at by several others.

Running, dodging, diving – their lives depend on speed. Saul gets off a few shots that blow up some drones, but there are still too many. They don’t have a chance out in the open.

SAUL.

Head for the restaurant.

They don’t see another dozen drones coming toward them.

Both run…

…shooting and dodging as they go.

INT – RESTAURANT – DAY CONTINUOUS

A restaurant with the usual tables, chairs, booths, columns, gas grill in the back behind the service counter, a bar, racks of glasses and bottles etc.

… and they burst into the restaurant and slam the doors shut. The lasers hit the glass, but only melt it a little.

Both fall into a booth relieved while the customers stare at them. The waitress comes over, sees the guns and screams.

WAITRESS.

THEY HAVE GUNS! AYYYYYYYY.

Her shriek would frighten an Orc. The customers and staff start screaming and running out the doors.

As the customers rush out the doors, the drones rush in. These drones have not only lasers, but they also have small grenades they drop.

The running and dodging starts all over. They use the tables and booths for cover. They run out of ammunition. Lines of grenades explode like Pearl Harbor.

Saul starts throwing objects at the drones. His enhanced reflexes let him hit several, but it is a losing battle.

Suddenly, Saul starts throwing napkin holders, but not at the drones…

…toward the back where the cooks were.

They continue their evasion tactics.

Broken tables, smashed plates, crunching under foot, splintered chairs, broken glass all over.

Most of the restaurant has been destroyed. It is almost flattened.

Nowhere to hide.

The drones begin to circle them. Saul and Sandy go back-to-back, frozen, awaiting the inevitable.

However, the drones seem uncertain now. They are circling the two, but darting in and out of the circle as if they can’t acquire their targets.

SAUL.

Don’t move. They can’t see a target unless it’s moving.

This seems to work for a minute, but then the drones stop moving uncertainly. They form a definite circle and the lasers start to pulse. There is no escape.

Meanwhile, the paper objects that Saul threw on the lit stove burners have caught fire. Smoke is billowing up. The smoke detectors start screaming.

The sprinkler system turns on. The drones are shorted out and fall to the floor.

[David Mailman]

David’s Great Action Set Piece!

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”; That it works to keep in mind the conventions and techniques that were nicely summarized in this lesson. One can keep worrying a scene, apply the lessons, and come up with a story that isn’t too bad.

INT – FBI OFFICE – DAY

A typical office with desks efficiently arranged. Large windows. MEN’s and WOMEN”s.

Bulletin boards headed:

FBI REGIONAL OFFICE with state map and region outlined. Colored pins.

FBI MOST WANTED – with wanted posters.

LOCAL WANTED – with wanted posters.

Agents sitting, talking, standing around wearing jackets and shoulder holsters with or without their Glocks. Secretaries on phones, typing, talking to each other. A very relaxed but efficient office.

SAUL is sitting at a desk talking to another agent. He wears his shoulder holster, but no gun.

A shadow falls across the windows and darkens the office. A large spaceship moves slowly over the building and partly visible in the windows.

Everyone stops. Looks up out the window. Anxious, fearful or angry but not panicked. Yet.

The spaceship stops and hovers.

Over the next minute anxiety turns to hysteria.

VOICES (frightened, disbelieving)

“It’s stopping”, “What do they want?’, “It can’t be happening again.”, “There was no warning.”.

Another minute. An agent walks into the MEN’s.

(continuous)

INT – THE MEN’S – DAY

and stands in front of a mirror to straighten his tie. He checks for a chambered round. He walks into a stall and closes the door. A GUNSHOT and blood spatters the back wall of the stall.

(continuous)

INT – FBI OFFICE – DAY

Everyone looks at the MEN’s. Gasps, suppressed screams, people putting their faces in their hands. A secretary pulls a pill box from her purse and pours a few pills on her desk. She takes one. A few seconds later, her lips turn blue and she dies on her desk. Several secretaries stagger over. They each take one of the remaining pills in their hands and look at each other, waiting. An agent unlocks his desk, removes his Glock and looks at the MEN’s.

Saul is paralyzed at his desk, looking as if he is ready to throw up.

The shadow moves on and disappears.

The office gasps in relief, hysterical laughter, several people run into the rest rooms holding their mouths. Slowly, everyone starts working again.

Saul is shaking so badly he can barely pick up his phone when it rings.

SAUL (voice shaking)

“Hi Sweetie.”

“Yes Honey, we noticed it. “

“No. We weren’t scared. We’re trained to face danger.”

“I don’t know why they stopped. Who knows why they do anything?”

“No. Let me do it. “

“Yes, absolutely. I really want to pick her up. I don’t know why, but I really want to see Joann right now.”

Saul starts to leave the room. An agent points to his shoulder. Sheepishly, Saul takes his Glock from his desk and puts it in his shoulder holster along with two-magazines.

MEANING. The Aliens have done something in the past that frightens people to the point that they may commit suicide at the mere presence of Aliens. Saul is not a super-agent. He is a family man and realizes how much he loves his daughter.

EXT – STREET BY SCHOOL – DAY

Saul is driving, still shaky, but smiling in relief. He sees his daughter’s school and smiles. He turns the corner and sees.

A demonstration. Dozens of people with signs, milling around. The signs read:

“I WANT CHILDREN TOO”: “ALIENS GO HOME”: “KILLERS”: “GODLESS MONSTERS”:

“STOP EATING US”.

Several cop cars with flashing lights. Children and teachers in the courtyard looking with excitement or apprehension on the activity. There is a fence around the school and a locked gate.

Saul runs to a cop and frantically starts talking. The cop reassures him, shakes his head and Saul relaxes and grins.

A shadow moves over the area. Everyone hushes. Looks up. Fear or anger in their faces and postures. The shadow keeps moving and everyone begins to relax.

COP (looking up)

When are those bastards going to leave?

SAUL

Be thankful they aren’t killing people anymore.

COP

Tell me about it. I was in a bar when they hit. Midnight, just like they said. Guy started screaming and banging his head on the floor. The guys that didn’t run out stood it as long we could. The bartender blew the guy’s brains out. We couldn’t even drink after that.

SAUL

We all saw exterminations. Thank God my daughter missed it. I’m here to pick her up.

COP

Can’t say I missed some of the people what got exterminated. They were the worst. We never would’ve put them away. Even a lot of the politicians needed it. We sure found out a lot afterwards.

SAUL

Y’know, the funny thing is that most of the people I’ve met aren’t sorry for who or what they supported. People made the worst out to be heroes.

COP

They give me the creeps not even knowing what they look like. I can’t complain about some of the results. Almost no armies or prisons and I’ll retire after 15-years on the force. Going to Florida with my wife and kids.

The demonstrators are noisy but not belligerent. About a half-dozen demonstrators are wearing a semi uniform of long silver jackets, distinctive silk scarfs and red caps. These are members of an antiAlien Cult.

RUTH, wearing a red cap, is speaking into a lapel mic. The red caps start moving toward her. She is looking around, assessing the situation. Too many cops. She shakes her head and the red caps begin to move away and leave.

Then, all the cop cars, except one, begin to leave. Ruth and the red caps stop moving. Ruth talks into her mic and the red caps begin to converge on her. Ruth keeps looking. Then she nods. The red caps begin chanting.

“EXTERMINATE ALIENS. EXTERMINATE VER-MEN. EXTERMINATE ALIENS. EXTERMINATE VER-MEN.”.

The children now become frightened. The teachers begin herding the children back into the school. The cop moves into the red caps trying to disburse them.

Ruth pulls a gun, puts the muzzle against the cop’s chest and shoots him.

All the red caps pull their scarves up to hide their faces. They pull guns and start shooting the teachers and children, and anyone else that gets in their way. It’s carnage. Bodies falling everywhere. Blood running on the ground.

Saul draws his pistol and tries to fire but can’t pull the trigger. He forgot to release the safety. Then, training kicks in. He starts shooting.

THUNK, THUNK, THUNK.

Saul misses with the first two. The third shot blows off the jaw of the Cultist in a spray of blood. He has drawn most of the Cultist’s fire but a few are still after the children. Saul shoots one more.

Another Cultist fires point-blank at Saul’s back. His weapon is empty. He leaps on Saul and gets him in a headlock. Saul gets one shot off that hits a cultist, LAURA, in the leg. She is helped away. Saul flips the man on his back and chops his throat.

A Cultist shoots the lock off the fence and enters the school yard, shooting as she moves. Children and teachers are going down. Saul moves in after her. Saul and her exchange shots ducking behind the gym equipment. Saul’s Glock is empty. He reaches for his last magazine.

The Cultist loads a fresh magazine. A child is panicked and runs in front of the Cultist who aims at her. The child runs into a corner and is trapped. The Cultist is six-feet away and can’t miss. Saul throws himself in front of the child. The Cultist smiles and starts to pull the trigger.

The Cultist jerks around – a hole in her chest. The side of her face blows away.

The camera zooms out to show the cop, lying on the ground, firing his gun. He dies.

Saul grabs the child.

SAUL:

Joann, stay down.

Ruth is watching the situation. Sirens sound. Flashing lights are coming down the streets. Ruth speaks into her mic and the red caps run to waiting cars and pile in. Ruth begins to enter but she looks at Saul and Joann and takes aim. She has a MAC 10 on full auto. Saul sees this.

Saul hugs Joann and rolls over a pony wall next to the school building just as bullets tear up the area where they had just been.

Ruth gets in the car and PEELS away.

Saul gets up hugging Joann like crazy. Suddenly, brakes SQUEAL. Tires SCREECH. Ruth’s car backs up and SLAMS to a stop. Ruth opens up with an UZI. The pony wall is now a trap. Bullets ricochet off the walls. Joann is all bloody and Saul badly wounded.

Ruth takes off again.

SAUL

Baby. I’m coming. (Starts crawling to her).

JOANN

Daddy, please, it hurts.

SAUL

I’ve got you.

JOANN

Daddy you’re hurt too. (she touches the blood pouring from Saul’s wounds).

SAUL

Stay with me baby. (Joann dies). Joann, please.

MEANING. There is a human Cult that is just as bad as the Aliens. There is more information about what the Aliens did. The actions of the Aliens destroyed much of the evil in the world. Saul will be intensely committed to destroying the Cult after he recovers.

[David Mailman]

David’s Unique Action!

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” I listed most scenes from the script and its overall characteristics and tried to make them better or different. I was looking for a technique that could be applied generally, but couldn’t find one. I suspect improvements will depend on imagination and inspiration and the specifics of the story.

Pick at least one action scene that you want to make more unique. Then use this process to generate ideas.

1. OPENING. – FBI OFFICE – FBI agents just doing their boring jobs. Saul receives a phone call. Conversation and desk photos show Saul, the Hero, is very happy with his family.

A. What if…?

An Alien ship flies overhead and agents scared and commit suicide.

The office is attacked by the Cult.

B. Take to an extreme.

Aliens destroy the office. It’s the start of the war.

The office is unconcerned.

C. Specific to character or environment.

The agents bring a Cult prisoner in.

The agents get info on a demonstration.

D. Shocking or Surprising.

A fight starts pro/con Aliens.

E. Go opposite.

Saul or Sandy or Benedict or Ruth is an Alien.

F. What haven’t we seen?

Aliens intervene.

2. THEME – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Conversation with cop. Many people are too stupid to make choices that are good for them.

A. What if…?

ProAlien demonstration.

B. Take to an extreme.

Fight between pro/con Aliens.

C. Specific to character or environment.

More signs, newscasts, memories

D. Shocking or Surprising.

Self-immolation.

E. Go opposite.

Anti-Alien memories.

F. What haven’t we seen?

Landfill with skeletons.

3. INCITING INCIDENT. – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Saul’s daughter and other children are murdered by Cult. Saul is wounded.

A. What if…?

Aliens intervene.

B. Take to an extreme.

Everyone killed and wife/Sandy take over.

C. Specific to character or environment.

Cultist grabs and kills child.

D. Shocking or Surprising.

The killing of children.

E. Go opposite.

Daughter survives.

F. What haven’t we seen?

Mysterious person comes to rescue.

4. CATALYST – HOSPITAL – Saul faces his choices due to injuries. Saul joins the Agency.

A. What if…?

Saul told to infiltrate Agency to find traitor.

B. Take to an extreme.

Saul hits bottom from misery and given chance to do something.

C. Specific to character or environment.

Alien therapy cures his depression. Same as used for children who saw exterminations.

D. Shocking or Surprising.

Saul sees one of the Cultists, stalks and kills him.

E. Go opposite.

Saul goes after revenge alone.

F. What haven’t we seen?

Alien surgery machine: “Prep for brain surgery.” A brain implant pops out. Surgeons stare.

Looking at your entire story, what is unique about each of these places:

1. Environment: Aliens have killed millions. Aliens are all-powerful. Most people lead normal lives. There is hostility toward the Aliens. Life is better than preAlien.

A. What if…?

Aliens were directly controlling much of Earth’s actions.

Aliens just came and sat there without doing or saying anything.

Saul and the Agency was plotting to destroy Aliens.

B. Take to an extreme.

Aliens had destroyed much of Earth – postapocalyptic.

Sterilized everyone, killed sociopaths.

All-out-war – about even so far.

C. Specific to character or environment.

Saul never enhanced.

Aliens fighting among themselves.

Aliens facing a threat of their own.

D. Shocking or Surprising.

Aliens are a computer, scouting party, dying, dead, holograms etc.

E. Go opposite.

Spaceship appeared. Humans trying to make contact, because of deteriorating environment.

F. What haven’t we seen?

The Aliens are controlling most people through mind control. Earth is a big chess-game. The winning Alien gets to keep it.

2. Rules: There is active terrorism against the Aliens. AntiAlien activity must be stopped, although no one knows the consequences of not stopping it. Agency has wide powers to stop terrorism. Aliens not seen.

A. What if…?

The government actively encourages terrorism.

Another country is actively belligerent to the Aliens.

B. Take to an extreme.

The entire country is joining the Cult.

C. Specific to character or environment.

Saul, Ruth and Benedict have a weakness.

D. Shocking or Surprising.

Aliens announce there will be random exterminations because world is not improving fast enough.

E. Go opposite.

Ruth or Benedict or shadowy Agency character thinks people are bad and should be exterminated.

F. What haven’t we seen?

A top-secret weapon has been developed against the Aliens.

Villain: Ruth. A fanatic Alien-hater with a background of hatred, antigovernment and religious.

Benedict. A scientist. Cool and calculating. Wants power with or without Aliens.

A. What if…?

Ruth or Benedict are robots/Aliens/

B. Take to an extreme

They go after each other.

C. Specific to character or environment.

They are brother/sister or father/daughter or lovers.

D. Shocking or Surprising.

Both are controlled by the head of the Agency.

E. Go opposite.

Change of heart.

F. What haven’t we seen?

Direct attack on Aliens.

Mission: Protect the Aliens. Protect people. Protect family. Revenge. Actions.

A. What if…?

An enemy turned.

B. Take to an extreme.

Saul thinks Aliens are dangerous – plants bomb.

C. Specific to character or environment.

Goes after secret documents showing government suppressed information showing Alien plan.

D. Shocking or Surprising.

Saul a robot/cyborg. Died on operating table.

E. Go opposite.

Saul a secret Cultist.

F. What haven’t we seen?

Bogus Alien attack by Cult.

Struggle: Against actions of villains. Prevent possible destruction by Aliens.

A. What if…?

Aliens donated a cure for cancer.

B. Take to an extreme.

Ruth or Benedict killed many Aliens.

C. Specific to character or environment.

Aliens had a power struggle between good and bad.

D. Shocking or Surprising.

Aliens used mind control to give people the illusion of what they thought happening. That way they could find what would happen without damage.

E. Go opposite.

Aliens and humans must join forces to fight a new group of bad Aliens.

F. What haven’t we seen?

A natural disaster that forces humans to ask for Alien help.

[David Mailman]

David’s Level 3 Action Emotions

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Danger, excitement, and adrenaline are emotions that might best be worked in as situations early during the script writing. I found it hard to produce credible adaptations in the robot scene. On the other hand, earlier conventions in assignments might be interchangeable.

EARLY IN THE MOVIE

Saul is driving. Relaxed. Sees his daughter’s, Joann’s, school and smiles. He turns the corner and gasps at a demonstration. Several cop cars with flashing lights.

DANGER: A crowd demonstrating outside the school. Determined, but peaceful. Varied clothing. A half-dozen are a Cult and are dressed much alike with red caps. They carry signs.

“ALIENS GO HOME”, “WE WANT CHILDREN TOO”, “WHERE IS MY CHILD”.

News-units are videotaping. A cop stands by.

Saul slams on the brakes. He jumps out of his car and runs to a cop. They talk. The cop shakes his head and Saul relaxes and grins.

EXCITEMENT: A shadow moves over the area. Everyone hushes. Looks up. Fear or anger in their faces and postures. The shadow keeps moving and everyone begins to relax.

COP (looking up)

When are those bastards going to leave?

SAUL

Be thankful they aren’t killing people anymore.

COP

Tell me about it. I was in a bar when they hit. Midnight, just like they said. Guy started screaming and banging his head on the floor. The guys that didn’t run out stood it as long we could. The bartender blew the guy’s brains out. We couldn’t even drink after that.

SAUL

We all saw exterminations. Thank God my daughter missed it. I’m here to pick her up.

COP

Can’t say I missed some of the people what got exterminated. They were the worst. We never would’ve put them away. Even a lot of the politicians needed it. We sure found out a lot afterwards.

SAUL

Y’know, the funny thing is that most of the people I’ve met aren’t sorry for who or what they supported or believed. Some people made the worst out to be heroes.

COP

They give me the creeps not even knowing what they look like. But, I can’t complain about some of the results. Almost no armies or prisons and I’ll retire after ten-years on the force. Going to Florida with my wife and kids.

DANGER: RUTH, a RED-CAP, speaks into a lapel mic. The Cult begin to join up and they check their concealed weapons. They start to chant. Everyone begins to move away. The students and teachers become frightened and start moving back into the school.

Ruth is appraising the situation. Too many cops? The Cultists are all looking to her. After a moment she shakes her head and the red-caps begin to move away.

Then, two of the cop cars pull away and all the Cultists stop and look at Ruth again. She nods her head. Yes!

ADRENALIN: The cop moves in to break up the demonstration. Ruth pulls a gun, puts the muzzle right on the cop’s chest and shoots him. He drops.

The Cultists start shooting at the teachers and children, and anyone else who gets in the way. People are screaming and dropping like flies. Blood spattering everywhere.

Saul reacts. Pulls his Glock. Forgets to release the safety at first. Then, training kicks in. Saul shoots several Cultists and rescues several teachers and students. He is changing magazines when a Cultist aims, point-blank, at a child. Saul throws himself on the child. The Cultist can’t miss. Saul and the child are doomed.

Suddenly, the Cultist jerks around. There is a bullet hole in her chest. The side of her face gets blown away. The camera zooms out to show the cop lying on the ground, firing his weapon. He dies. Saul and child are saved.

Saul has killed several of the Cultists. Sirens are heard. Ruth orders the rest to withdraw. As they leave, Ruth singles out Saul as the person who interfered. Saul has his daughter in his arms. He sees Ruth aiming and he leaps behind a low wall. Bullets smash into the wall an instant after they gain safety.

The Cultists pile into cars and speed away. Saul and Joann are safe.

Saul madly hugs his daughter.

There is the sound of brakes squealing. Then the sound of tires screeching. A car backs up into view and slams to a stop. Ruth opens up with an UZI. The wall is now a trap. Bullets ricochet from it and slam into Saul and his daughter. Saul wounded, daughter dying.

SAUL

Baby. I’m coming. (Starts crawling to her).

JOANN

Daddy, please, it hurts.

SAUL

I’ve got you.

JOANN

Daddy you’re hurt too. (she touches the blood pouring from Saul’s wounds).

SAUL

Stay with me baby. (Joann dies).

NEAR ENDING

INT – BENEDICT’S LAB – NIGHT

Dimly lit, shadows. Lab and work benches with chemicals, electronics and construction materials. A large, echoing space. Robots are mostly quiet, at their workstations. A few are sweeping, cleaning etc. The robots are industrial types. They have wheels, treads, tool-arms. Not humanoid.

DANGER: Saul and Sandy walk in and immediately stop, suspicious.

Benedict appears at his office door.

BENEDICT – Nice to see you again Saul. Is this social? And your attractive friend.

SAUL – Professional, I’m afraid. Morgan slipped. You fell.

BENEDICT – Dear me! Looks like it’s showtime for you. Is it too hard to choose between Aliens who have slaughtered millions of your own kind or your own kind?

SANDY – Let’s cut the crap and get out of here.

SAUL – Coming quietly Benedict?

BENEDICT – ‘fraid not Saul. Bad choice. By-the-way, Morgan got here ahead of you. He was all broken up. Would you like to see applied science working?

EXCITEMENT: Benedict looks down an aisle. Saul and Sandy walk over to see. Morgan is lying on the floor, his limbs and body all in different angles than normal. A robot with steel claws stands over the body. Both agents draw their weapons.

Benedict presses the button on a remote and ducks into his office. All the robots begin to move, spin around, their tools at the end of their appendages begin to whine, whirl, and, in general, sound terrifying.

ADRENALIN:

SANDY – Shit.

Intercut between Saul and Sandy in simultaneous actions.

A circular saw robot goes after Sandy. She fires at it, but the bullets bounce off. He chases her down an aisle, swinging the saw. A blow-torch-wielding robot cuts off her escape. They have her cornered. Only two escape routes and both cut off.

She uses parkour and runs up the side of a wall and onto pipes running over the cabinets.

She drops in back of the robots. They turn in half-circles looking for a target. She grabs a steel rod, shoves it between the blow-torch robot’s wheels and flips it over. It lies there like an overturned turtle melting itself.

The saw-robot turns and goes after her.

Saul starts after Benedict. A cleaning robot goes after him swinging its broom. Saul thinks it’s funny until the broom smashes a crate to pieces.

Then he runs, but meets a nail-gun robot. The robot fires and a pattern of nails embeds itself in the wall behind Saul. One nail pins his jacket to the wall and he struggles to get out of it before his head is knocked off by the broom.

The nail robot has reloaded its clip and has trapped Saul in a corner with no escape. Saul fires his gun into the eye of the robot, but its hand flies up and the bullet bounces off. Saul fires at the other eye and the same thing happens. Saul fires back and forth, but the robot is too fast. The gun is empty. Saul moves his aiming point back-and-forth, faster-and-faster. The robot’s arms begin to move faster than the eye can follow, until there are two sounds like broken glass and the robot has knocked out its own eyes. It collapses.

The saw-robot starts after Sandy again. She grabs a can of spray-paint and sprays the robot’s eyes. It is blinded and makes half circles in the aisle trying to find a target. Sandy runs around the end of the tables, but meets the claw-robot. It grabs her jacket, but she pulls loose.

She runs around the other end of the tables pursued by the snapping, reaching claws. She ducks around the end of the benches into the aisle where the saw-robot is still moving. She judges the motion and ducks past just as the saw blade swings out of the way. The claw-robot tries to pass, but the saw gets it right in the middle. It keeps pushing until the saw cuts it in half.

Saul tries to get to Benedict’s office. His way is blocked by a welding-robot. Saul ducks under its torch, sees a jar of solvent, and throws it at the robot that becomes engulfed in flames. Saul pauses, relieved, and turns toward the office.

The flaming robot rushes at him from the fire. Saul runs to the wall and pulls the fire hose off the roll. The robot gets too close and Saul has to run, pulling the hose after him. He doubles back down another aisle to the water valve. The hose doesn’t reach. He can’t hold the hose and turn on the valve at the same time. He turns the valve just before the robot reaches the nozzle. The hose whips up, knocks it over and the water puts out the fire.

Saul enters Benedict’s office.

BENEDICT – You made it. I figured 50-50. Did you know I love pets?

A robot dog, the size of a small pony, with enormous fangs growls at Saul.

Sandy is still running and diving. One robot has obtained a pipe and is swinging it around like a baseball bat smashing everything around it. Sandy pushes a heavy cabinet on top of it and it is immobilized. There are no more robots attacking.

Sandy collapses, exhausted. Suddenly, a door opens and another dozen robots enter the room. Sandy makes it to the EMP switch and turns it on. The robots collapse.

[David Mailman]

David’s Level 2 Action Emotions

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Suspense, surprise and shock is a lot harder than anxiety, fear and relief. Part of the problem was being influenced by previous iterations of the scenes. Also, keeping the focus on the emotions of the audience and not the characters. It helped to go over back assignments to reorient.

OPENING. – FBI OFFICE – FBI agents just doing their boring jobs.

Desks and cubicles neatly organized. Large windows. Agents and secretaries busily working. Buzz of conversations. A friendly, social office. “MEN” AND “WOMEN’ doors.

SURPRISE. Suddenly, a dark shadow crosses the window. Immediately, conversation stops. Everyone looks out or at the window. Part of a huge spaceship can be glimpsed moving above the building.

SHOCK. An agent walks into the MEN’s. He looks into the mirror, straightens his tie. Pulls out his Glock and checks a round is chambered. He walks into a stall and closes the door. A second later, a shot is heard and blood spatters the wall at the back of the stall. A secretary walks to the cooler and gets a glass of water. She goes to her desk and takes a pill from her purse. She swallows it and seconds later her lips turn blue and she collapses at her desk. Another agent pulls his hair, goes into the MEN’s and another shot is heard.

SUSPENSE. The spaceship keeps hovering and people wait anxiously. Other agents have their hands on their guns. Several secretaries are pawing through the pills left on the dead secretary’s desk. Then, the spaceship moves on and people collapse in relief.

INCITING INCIDENT. – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Saul’s daughter, Joann, and other children are murdered by Cult. Saul is wounded.

A crowd demonstrating outside a school. Determined, but peaceful. Varied clothing, but a half-dozen are dressed in what might be a uniform with red caps. News-units are videotaping. A cop stands by.

They carry signs; “ALIENS GO HOME”, “WE WANT CHILDREN TOO”, “WHERE IS MY CHILD”.

SURPRISE. Saul is driving. Relaxed. Sees the school and smiles. He turns the corner and sees the demonstration. Several cop cars with flashing lights. He slams on the brakes. He jumps out of his car and runs to a cop. They talk. The cop shakes his head and Saul relaxes and grins.

SHOCK. The Red-Caps begin to group and the audience sees they are all armed.

SUSPENSE. Ruth is appraising the situation. Too many cops? The Red-Caps are all looking to her. After a moment she shakes her head and the Red-Caps begin to move away. Then, two of the cop cars pull away and all the Red-Caps stop and look at Ruth again. She waits, she nods her head. Yes!

SURPRISE. Saul has just turned Benedict insane by exposing him to the mind-control device. Saul staggers away, exhausted, and sits down. The device is still running. Suddenly, Saul screams and puts his hand on the brain implant. There are Voice-Overs of Alien conversations. Then, in English: “Who is listening? Who is listening? …”. Saul staggers out.

SHOCK. Saul staggers into the street. Sandy sees him leave and runs after him. She helps him walk while asking him what is wrong. Saul tells her he can hear the Aliens and he has to get rid of the implant or they will kill him. They reach the car. Suddenly, a small Alien drone shoots down. There is a flash of light and Saul falls.

SUSPENSE. Sandy drags him into the car and takes off. The drone follows. She almost shakes it off with hairpin turns and driving through tunnels and parking garages, but the drone keeps returning. Sandy sees a microwave tower and pulls under it. The drone circles for a while and then flies away. Sandy drives off. Next, they are driving in the country. Sandy stops, exhausted, and leans back in the seat, crying. She sniffles and gets out of the car.

SURPRISE. There is a small spaceship hovering over the car.

SHOCK. Saul wakes up in an Alien room. He is loosely strapped to a chair. He expects the worse. He struggles to break free. An Alien is talking on a central TV screen surrounded by a dozen others.

SUSPENSE. The Alien reveals their plan to benefit the earth. Then-and-now scenes flash on the screens accompanied by descriptions. Pollution stopped, energy plentiful, no starvation, poachers exterminated, no homeless, education for all.

SURPRISE. What Saul is seeing will be shown around the world in all languages. Saul will be returned to witness what he has experienced. Humans have 20-years to develop a rational society or the Aliens will return.

SHOCK. Saul is standing in front of his house watching a small shuttle fly off.

SUSPENSE. Crowds fearfully watch the Alien ships gather overhead.

SURPRISE. The Alien ships group and, one-by-one, fly away.

ALTERNATIVELY.

SHOCK. Saul has returned home after destroying Benedict. He has politely listened to the doctor telling him that his wife (not the mother of his daughter) will not get well. He goes to the closet where his wife’s friend left a package earlier. He sees it on the floor and opens it. He finds a red cap, a pistol and the kind of scarf the Cultists were wearing when they killed his daughter.

SUSPENSE. He grabs the scarf and goes into where his, still barely coherent, wife is sitting. He stands at her back and slowly wraps the ends of the scarf around his hands. He stares at her for a few moments. He is pulling on the scarf and gripping the ends tighter and tighter. Saul begins to say how much he loved the daughter. His wife says they both loved her and she doesn’t know when she can get over it. Saul puts the scarf loosely around her neck and begins to draw it tight.

SURPRISE. His wife sees one end draping down over her shoulder and says; “Elsie left that here. Would you return it?”. Saul removes the scarf.

[David Mailman]

David’s Level 1 Action Emotions

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Again, very challenging to list all scenes and try to fit the emotions to them. Some come easily and others not at all.

OPENING. – FBI OFFICE – FBI agents just doing their boring jobs. Desks and cubicles neatly organized. Large windows. Agents and secretaries busily working. Buzz of conversations. A friendly, social office. “MEN” AND “WOMEN’ doors.

ANXIETY. Suddenly, a dark shadow crosses the window. Immediately, conversation stops. Everyone looks out or at the window. Part of a huge spaceship can be glimpsed moving above the building.

FEAR. The object hovers. People gasp, stifle screams. Abject fear on their faces. One agent checks a round in his Glock and walks into the MEN’s. A second agent follows. A secretary checks a pill and walks into the WOMEN’s.

Snatches of voices. “It’s stopping”, “What does it want?’, “It can’t be happening again.”, “There was no warning.”.

RELIEF. The object moves on and the shadow is gone. People give relieved laughs, look sheepish, bury their faces in their hands. The people come back out of the rest rooms looking sickly. Conversations begin slowly.

SAUL receives a phone call. Hands shaking and voice squeaky. Conversation and desk photos show Saul, the Hero, is very happy with his family.

INCITING INCIDENT. – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Saul’s daughter, Joann, and other children are murdered by Cult. Saul is wounded.

A crowd demonstrating outside a school. Determined, but peaceful. Varied clothing, but a half-dozen are dressed in what might be a uniform with red caps. News-units are videotaping. A cop stands by.

They carry signs; “ALIENS GO HOME”, “WE WANT CHILDREN TOO”, “WHERE IS MY CHILD”.

Saul drives up. Talks to the cop.

ANXIETY. RUTH, a RED-CAP, speaks into a lapel mic. RED-CAPs begin to gather around her. They start to chant. Everyone looks at the RED-CAPs and begin to move away.

FEAR. Teachers gather the children. They move back into the school. The cop starts toward the RED-CAPs.

RELIEF. The demonstrators move away.

FEAR. Ruth shoots the cop.

ANXIETY. Saul rescues a child, but the RED-CAPs are still shooting.

FEAR. A Cultist aims, point-blank, at a child. Saul throws himself on the child. The Cultist can’t miss.

RELIEF. The Cultist jerks around: a bullet hole in her chest. The side of her face blows away. The camera zooms out to show the cop lying on the ground, firing his weapon. He dies. Saul and child are saved.

ANXIETY. Saul has his daughter in his arms.

FEAR. He sees Ruth aiming and he leaps behind a low wall. Bullets smash into the wall an instant after they gain safety.

RELIEF. The Cultists pile into cars and speed away. Saul and Joann are safe.

ANXIETY. There is the sound of brakes squealing. Then the sound of tires screeching. A car backs up into view and slams to a stop.

FEAR. Ruth opens up with an UZI. The wall is now a trap. Bullets ricochet from it and slam into Saul and his daughter. Saul wounded, daughter dying.

NO RELIEF.

Saul is saved from death by medical techniques derived from Alien intelligence.

ANXIETY. Ruth enters hospital carrying flowers. Finds Saul’s room. Sees candy-striper entering “DRESSING ROOM”. Follows her.

FEAR. Doctor and nurse in Saul’s room. Ruth, dressed as candy-striper, enters room. She fusses around. Doctor leaves. Ruth slips out knife and holding it at her side, comes up behind the nurse.

NURSE. “Poor guy, he lost his daughter and there’s no way he’s going to make it.”

RELIEF. Ruth leaves.

He is appointed to an Agency tasked with protecting the Aliens from the Cult and other enemies.

ANXIETY. Saul told of Agency’s office by mysterious person or way. Goes to address. As he enters office he sees a red cap on chair. The lock clicks ominously behind him.

FEAR. The person at the desk turns and is pointing a gun.

RELIEF. The person switches his grip and pulls out a shoulder-holster.

AGENT. “Here’s your standard issue.”

Interrogation of a suspect. They use a fake video of an Alien eating a live person and threaten him with being lunch.

ANXIETY. One agent threatens and is going to hurt young sympathetic (12-year-old pretty daughter of Cultist. Like Saul’s) Cultist for info.

FEAR. Agent uses small charge and timer from bomb workshop. Puts it on her stomach. She’s screaming.

RELIEF. Saul comes in with video-player.

They find the time the bomb is set for and that it will be put aboard a shuttle to an Alien ship. They go to the airport and as they find the package they are fired at and pinned down.

ANXIETY. Saul and Sandy walk around the loading area. The bomb package has the wrapping paper seen in the bomb-factory and is visible to the audience. The timer, counting down, is periodically seen on the screen. Saul and Sandy get closer to, or farther away, as the timer counts. (like in TOUCH OF EVIL). At the same time, they are followed by several rifle-scopes.

FEAR. As soon as they see the package, the Cultists start firing. The fight begins.

RELIEF. The last killer is blown up by bomb.

Fight takes place in a mall with drones that can drop grenades.

ANXIETY. As Saul and Sandy approach the destination, unseen by them, drones begin to appear and hover. They gather on objects (like the jungle-gym in THE BIRDS).

FEAR. The fight begins.

RELIEF. The fight ends.

Saul fights off hitmen and robots.

ANXIETY. Saul and Sandy enter Benedict’s laboratory. A shadow moves out of their sight. A robot’s eyes follow them. A robot picks up a knife. A sound occurs. The muzzle of a gun follows them. The security monitor in Benedict’s office shows them on screen. Benedict has his feet on the desk.

FEAR. The first shots are fired.

RELIEF. The hitmen and robots are finally down.

[David Mailman]

David’s Favorite Twists!

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” It is incredibly challenging to take what is, frequently, a stock situation; a situation that we have become habituated to, and try to change it in a novel direction. Especially, if one does it for every scene, rather than just the easiest ones.

Below, OLD is a SETUP from previous assignments. TWIST is the add-on that changes the situation to a different direction.

ACT 1.

OLD. OPENING. – FBI OFFICE – FBI agents just doing their boring jobs. Saul receives a phone call. Conversation and desk photos show Saul, the Hero, is very happy with his family.

TWIST. Saul starts to leave office. An agent points to his shoulder. Saul sheepishly goes back to his desk, unlocks a drawer and puts his Glock into his shoulder holster.

OLD. ACTION – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Saul drives up. Has FBI sash-badge on. Chats with cop.

OLD. THEME – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Conversation with cop. Many people are too stupid to make choices that are good for them.

OLD. INCITING INCIDENT. – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Saul’s daughter, Joann, and other children are murdered by Cult. Saul is wounded.

TWIST. As the Cultists start chanting, the students and teachers become frightened and start moving back into the school. The cop moves in to break up the demonstration. Ruth pulls a gun, puts the muzzle right on the cop’s chest and shoots him. He drops.

Saul reacts. Pulls Glock. Forgets to release safety at first. Then, training kicks in. Saul shoots several Cultists and rescues several teachers and students. He is changing magazines when a Cultist aims, point-blank, at a child. Saul throws himself on the child. The Cultist can’t miss. Saul and the child are doomed.

THEN:

TWIST. Suddenly, the Cultist jerks around. There is a bullet hole in her chest. The side of her face gets blown away. The camera zooms out to show the cop lying on the ground, firing his weapon. He dies. Saul and child are saved.

OLD. Saul runs to rescue his daughter, shooting at the Cult and saving children along the way. Just as he gets to her, one of the Cult opens up with an UZI and kills the daughter and cripples Saul.

TWIST. Saul has killed several of the Cultists. Ruth orders the rest to withdraw. As they leave, Ruth singles out Saul as the person who defeated her scheme. Saul has his daughter in his arms. He sees Ruth aiming and he leaps behind a low wall. Bullets smash into the wall an instant after they gain safety. The Cultists pile into cars and speed away. Saul and Joann are safe.

THEN:

TWIST. Saul madly hugs his daughter. There is the sound of brakes squealing. Then the sound of tires screeching. A car backs up into view and slams to a stop. Ruth opens up with an UZI. The wall is now a trap. Bullets ricochet from it and slam into Saul and his daughter. Saul wounded, daughter dying.

SAUL

Baby. I’m coming. (Starts crawling to her).

JOANN

Daddy, please, it hurts.

SAUL

I’ve got you.

JOANN

Daddy you’re hurt too. (she touches the blood pouring from Saul’s wounds).

SAUL

Stay with me baby. (Joann dies).

OLD. FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1 – HOSPITAL – Saul is saved from death by medical techniques derived from Alien intelligence. Saul finally grasps what happened.

TWIST. Saul is on operating table. Blood and bandages everywhere. Panicked doctors. There is a large machine near the operating table. The doctors shake their heads. Start to pull off their gloves. A minute passes.

Suddenly, the machine lights up, slides to the table and starts to talk. “Apply AED, Start AED 50-amps etc. etc”. Some of the doctors are startled, but recover quickly. A nurse screams, but is shushed by doctor. This has happened before. Mechanical hands come out with surgical instruments. After a minute, the doctors pull their gloves back on and start back to work.

ACT 2.

OLD. He is appointed to an Agency tasked with protecting the Aliens from the Cult and other enemies.

Interrogation of a suspect. They use a fake video of an Alien eating a live person and threaten him with being lunch.

TWIST. Shortly after Saul has joined the agency, he is told that Cultists never talk during interrogation. He hands the computer tech a description of something and tells him to get it ready as soon as possible. Later the tech hands Saul a small video player. Used above.

OLD. They find the time the bomb is set for and that it will be put aboard a shuttle to an Alien ship. They go to the airport and as they find the package they are fired at and pinned down.

TWIST. One last Cult member has them in his sights, but he is next to the bomb when it explodes.

OLD. DEBATE – AGENCY OFFICE – Weighs Agency methods against legal and ethical solutions.

BOSS

Prisoners mean paperwork, jails, even trials. It’s so much easier to question them when you apprehend them. Afterwards, we only have to worry about our tame coroners.

SAUL

We make the choices who lives or dies? That makes us no different than the Aliens.

TWIST. After Saul brings the prisoner in, his BOSS compliments him on his success. Says he’ll go far. Then he says; “OK now I’ve covered my ass.” Then as above.

OLD. The attack results in a major car chase with Cultists throwing car after car and assassin after assassin against him. An ambush is set up. A wild car chase begins with crashes and shooting. Saul and his partner must avoid injuring people and prevent the Cult from the same.

TWIST. Fight takes place in a mall with drones that can drop grenades. Saul and Sandy twist and turn to get away. Can’t shoot effectively, because as soon as they take aim at one, others attack. They destroy some by commandeering fun-drones people are flying in the park and crashing them into the Cult drones.

THEN:

TWIST. They run into a store where customers at mall took refuge. Doors are closed. Drones can’t get in. They are safe.

THEN:

TWIST. Customers see their weapons and panic. Customers run back out and doors stay open. Dozens of drones enter. They start dropping grenades. Explosions criss-cross store, like Pearl Harbor. No way Saul and Sandy can escape. Then, after suspenseful trys, Saul lights up the smoke detector. The sprinklers start working and the drones short out. They are safe.

OR:

TWIST. Fight takes place in different environment. Sewers, tunnels, fun house, old drive-in, morgue, library, retirement home, armory (Saul was a tank driver), etc.

ACT 3.

OLD. Saul stops Ruth from escaping. She laughs at him, saying she will be released because everyone hates the Aliens.

TWIST. Saul shoots her in her kneecaps, stomach and blows her jaw away. He records her screams. He then closes and locks the door.

OLD. Saul goes back to headquarters. Tells his traitorous boss that he killed the head of the Alien enemies.

TWIST. The boss thinks he killed Benedict, who was running him. Saul learns there is another, more dangerous, Cult leader.

OLD. CLIMAX – BENEDICT’S LAB – Saul fights off hitmen and robots. Turns Benedict into a babbling idiot with his own mind-control device.

Saul is helpless as Benedict gives the order to kill and the robots advance. Just then, Susan about to be killed by robots too, pulls the switch on the EMP device and the robots collapse. Saul drags Benedict to the mind-control device, pins him in place and turns on the machine. Benedict shrieks, writhes and becomes a pain-racked, babbling idiot.

TWIST. Action. Switches between Saul and Sandy. Sandy knows parkour. Can run up and down walls. Balance on pipes. Slide under barriers. She dodges under tables to shoot hitmen. Drops from pipes. Uses Kung-Fu. Saul shoots vulnerable sports on robots.

Hitmen all gone.

THEN:

TWIST. Robots attack with tools: saws, blow-torches, pipes etc. They are killed with water from firehose, Molotov cocktails, paint that covers their vision. One pipe-fitting robot uses a pipe like a baseball bat. It chases Sandy. She pushes a heavy rack on top of it. It starts to push out. When Sandy activates the EMP switch the robots stop very slowly.

THEN:

TWIST. Sandy starts to leave. She doesn’t see that one robot is still moving toward the switch. The robot switches it off. Sandy is now in an open part of the lab and can’t run away. All the robots start to converge on her. She tries to evade, but It looks bad.

THEN:

TWIST. Then, the pipe-robot breaks loose and comes after Sandy. It is swinging the pipe madly. Sandy leads it on so that it starts to smash other robots. She tries to get back to the EMP switch. Other robots get in the way. She moves so they are smashed by pipe-robot. Finally, Sandy gets near the EMP switch and is just about to turn it back on when the pipe-robot swings and breaks the handle. No way to turn it off now.

THEN:

TWIST. Meanwhile, Saul has been battling Benedict. He easily has the upper hand with his bionic arm. Benedict becomes his prisoner. But, when the EMP switch was thrown, his arm becomes normal and the brain implant stops. His reflexes are normal. The fight now goes to Benedict. Benedict is about to kill Saul when the EMP goes off. Saul traps Benedict and uses the mind control machine on him. Saul presses the button that Benedict used to activate the robots and they die. Saul and Sandy safe.

OLD. RESOLUTION – SAUL’S HOME – Saul plays tape of screams to his wife and she begins to recover.

TWIST. Saul comes home. Meets her doctor. Doctor says she won’t recover. Must be institutionalized. Saul smiles. Doctor leaves. Then above.

[David Mailman]

David’s Likability/Empathy/Justification

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Identification with the Hero (or villain and secondary characters too, presumably) must be consciously built into the script.

LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY

1. Pictures on his desk. Family – wife, daughter and himself, very happy.

2. Joke about colleague’s metal hat (worn by some believing it prevents Alien mind control).

3. Loving phone conversation with wife to pick up daughter.

4. Gives routine dollar to beggar outside office.

5. Glad his daughter didn’t see exterminations (mentioned during cop chat).

EMPATHY / DISTRESS

1. Uncle committed suicide before being exterminated by Aliens (mentioned during cop chat).

2. Seeing cop shot before he realizes what is happening.

3. Freezes as his first reaction.

4. Sees children being shot.

5. Fires back.

6. Goes after daughter.

7. Pushes children and teachers out of way.

8. Gets daughter. Thinks they are safe. Thinks Cult leaving.

9. Daughter and Saul shot.

10. Cradles dead daughter.

11. Realizes his injuries. Lost about his future.

12. Sees comatose wife.

13. Must decide whether to work for Agency with questionable ethics.

JUSTIFICATION

1. FBI/Agency agent.

2. Revenge against Cultists.

3. Vow to his wife.

4. Doing his job.

5. Maybe, saving the world.

[David Mailman]

DAVID’S STORY MAP – L7

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Coordinating three separate sequences of action into one timeline of behavior and motivation doesn’t always fit. Is this a sign that the story is not designed or conceived well? Should those areas be reconsidered?

M1. Backstory:

Ten years before the story starts, Alien spaceships arrived. The Aliens were only concerned with protecting the Earth from the damages humans were doing to it. One-week later, as announced on all communications, tens of millions of sociopaths and psychopaths, and crooked politicians were exterminated and billions of others sterilized by mind-control. Peace and prosperity followed, but most people still resent the Aliens. The Cult is a terrorist group against the Aliens and anyone who protects them. The Hero’s father was a patriot?

Shown indirectly through spaceships over cities, conversations, news, signs, demonstrations etc.

V1. BACK STORY:

Told briefly in flashbacks, conversations or reveals.

Ruth: Born into a Survivalist family in Idaho. Intense and unforgiving fringe religion. Molested by father and brothers. Twenty-five when Aliens came. Only survivor of her family. Sterilized. Became itinerant, charismatic preacher. Assembled the Cult from her followers. Selected the most fanatic and wealthiest. White-hot hatred of the Aliens. Wants to create as much chaos as possible, hoping to drive Aliens away. No conscience or morals.

Benedict: Born into wealthy scientific family. Indoctrinated with intellectual superiority. Educated in Anthropology, EE and Computational Linguistics. Resents being subordinate to the Aliens, although he envies their power. Believes he can rule the world, or at least the USA, once he gets rid of the Aliens.

ACT 1.

The Hero, Saul, starts as a normal, unassuming office FBI agent.

1. OPENING. – FBI OFFICE – FBI agents just doing their boring jobs. Saul receives a phone call. Conversation and desk photos show Saul, the Hero, is very happy with his family.

2. THEME – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Conversation with cop. Many people are too stupid to make choices that are good for them.

ACTION – Saul drives up. Has FBI sash-badge on. Chats with cop.

COP (looking up)

When are those bastards going to leave?

SAUL

Be thankful they aren’t killing people anymore.

COP

Tell me about it. I was in a bar when they hit. Midnight, just like they said. Guy started screaming and banging his head on the floor. The guys that didn’t run out stood it as long we could. The bartender blew the guy’s brains out. We couldn’t even drink after that.

SAUL

We all saw exterminations. Thank God my daughter missed it. I’m here to pick her up.

COP

Can’t say I missed some of the people what got exterminated. They were the worst I met. We never would’ve put them away. Even a lot of the politicians needed it. We sure found out a lot afterwards.

SAUL

Y’know, the funny thing is that most of the people I’ve met aren’t sorry for who they supported or believed

3. INCITING INCIDENT. – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Saul’s daughter and other children are murdered by Cult. Saul is wounded.

M3. Inciting Incident:

Saul’s daughter is killed and he is crippled by the Cult.

M2. Motivation:

Revenge against the Cult who killed his daughter and other children, and crippled him.

Duty to carry out his job of protecting Aliens from Cult.

Uncertainty about character or truth of Aliens and Cult.

M4. First Action:

Saul is a normal FBI agent and normal person. He goes to pick his daughter up at her school. The Cult is demonstrating against the Aliens. Some hate children because they are sterilized. They start shooting the children. When Saul first fires he forgets to take the safety off. Saul runs to rescue his daughter, shooting at the Cult and saving children along the way. Just as he gets to her, one of the Cult opens up with an UZI and kills the daughter and cripples Saul. Saul sees the cult member has an IDing mark.

V2. FIRST ACTION:​

Ruth plants some of her Cultists in a peaceful demonstration in front of a school. She orders them to shoot the children. When they start killing children and teachers, Saul, one of the parents who happens to be an average FBI agent, is picking up his daughter. He kills some of the Cultists and drives the remaining ones away. He rescues several of the children, but Ruth, angry at the interference, kills his daughter and cripples him. Ruth is disguised, but has a disfigured hand.

A1. He is accidently involved in a shootout with the Cult that he handles badly. His daughter is killed and he is wounded. He is saved from death by medical techniques derived from Alien intelligence.

PURPOSE. Establishes he is not superhuman to begin with. He owes the Aliens.

4. FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1 – HOSPITAL – Saul finally grasps what happened. Saul sees his wife is near-catatonic. Vows vengeance.

5. CATALYST – HOSPITAL – Saul faces his choices due to injuries. Saul joins the Agency.

ACT 2.

Saul is given assignments by the Agency. He needs to find the leaders of the Alien enemies and destroy their gangs. This results in:

M5. Obstacle:

Saul recovers from his injuries. He learns martial arts that fit his injuries. Learns to use a weapons-cane. Assigned to an Agency where members hate Aliens, just like everyone else, but are tasked with protecting them. Most people are there because of higher pay and secretly support the Cult. Saul hates the Cult more than he dislikes Aliens.

V3. RECOVERY:

Saul is appointed to the Agency, tasked with protecting the aliens. Ruth is informed of his appointment by a spy in the Agency. Dismisses him as useless cripple. Saul works tirelessly with sensei to learn martial arts that fit his injuries. He works with the Agency weapons-group to develop a weapons-cane. Saul is driven by hatred of the Cult. While Saul is recovering, he is investigating the Villains. A few facts about the Villains are revealed here.

A2. He develops intense hatred for the Cult that drives him to become a killing machine. His wounds allow him to have a brain implant that speeds up his reflexes, makes him a dead shot and a super-humanly strong arm. He learns martial arts suited to his injuries and implants.

PURPOSE. Shows his new motivation and abilities as Hero.

A3. He is appointed to an Agency tasked with protecting the Aliens from the Cult and other enemies.

PURPOSE. This gives him the infrastructure and weapons to fight the Cult.

V4. FIRST VILLAIN MEETING.

Saul goes to meet Benedict on a routine inquiry. He takes his tough assistant, Susan, with him. Was told Benedict is a source of information. Benedict fills in some facts about Aliens (for audience too). General information about how mind-control can be: selective, its limitations, transmission, effects, Alien culture and goals (benevolent, but alien compared to human) etc. Benedict misleads Saul on some points and doesn’t tell him he is developing a mind-control device and battle-robots. He also points out an EMP device that he had developed, hoping it would destroy the Aliens’ ship, but if failed because it had a limited range.

V5. WEAPONS:​

Ruth and Benedict have access to all conventional weapons. Ruth has fanatic followers and can hire professionals. Benedict has money and has developed robots that can be programmed to be fighting machines. Benedict is also developing a mind control device that is like the one used by the Aliens. He wants to use it against the Aliens, but it can be used against humans.

6. DEBATE – AGENCY OFFICE – Weighs Agency methods against legal and ethical solutions.

BOSS

Prisoners mean paperwork, jails, even trials. It’s so much easier to question them when you apprehend them. Afterwards, we only have to worry about our tame coroners.

SAUL

We make the choices who lives or dies? That makes us no different than the Aliens.

BOSS

Are you like the rest of this pathetic country? You hate the Aliens because they killed a bunch of people? They were stupid, ignorant people. They followed anyone who made a noise. They believed anything. They were misfits. We need to follow up and build the kind of world the Aliens want, and we need. We brought you in to help with that. We have leaders who can show us the way. Not like those crazy Cultists.

A4. A fight at a bomb-making factory during a routine investigation.

PURPOSE. Saul begins his journey with what seems to be a routine assignment. He begins his role as an action Hero.

M6. ESCALATION:

Saul starts actively attacking the Cult as directed by the Agency. First assignment is to find a bomb being put on a shuttle to one of the Alien ships.

V6. FIRST ENGAGEMENT:

Ruth plans to plant a bomb in a shuttle that supplies the Alien ships. The Cultists assemble the bomb, set the timer and send it to the airport for loading. Saul is informed by an Agency source that some of the Cultists are meeting. He and his partner (Susan) go to the site and fight with the Cult. They take one prisoner and force him to talk. They use a fake video of an Alien eating a live person and threaten him with being lunch.

A5. Interrogation of a suspect.

PURPOSE. Saul begins to be the aggressor and ruthless.

M7. SECOND ACTION:

Saul has a sexy, tough, prickly female partner of uncertain gender preference. They roughly interrogate a suspect. They go to the bomb-making site and have a shoot-out with Cult members. They find the time the bomb is set for and that it will be put aboard a shuttle to an Alien ship. They go to the airport and as they find the package they are fired at and pinned down. The timer is ticking. They break out and shoot up the Cult members. They get them all. As they stand up together, an easy target, a Cult member with a Tommy-gun jumps up. Just as he pulls the trigger, the bomb goes off and he gets blown to smithereens.

V7. SECOND ENGAGEMENT:

Saul and Joan go to the airport. The Cult knows they are coming and set up an ambush. When Saul finds the bomb, they are pinned down by close and sniper fire. Saul and Joan fight their way out and delay the bomb loading. One last Cult member has them in his sights, but he is next to the bomb when it explodes.

A6. A fight at the shuttle site against assassins trying to stop him finding the bomb.

PURPOSE. Saul is now an obvious target of the Cult and begins to realize what he is up against.

M8. OVERWHELMING ODDS:

The Cult has thousands of fanatical assassins who would willingly die to hurt Aliens or the people protecting them.

M9. SAUL BECOMES MORE OF A THREAT TO THE ALIENS.

The mysterious leader of the cult orders him to be killed. An ambush is set up. A wild car chase begins with crashes and shooting. Saul and his partner must avoid injuring people and prevent the Cult from the same. This makes for some fancy driving and action. The chase rushes through one street after another with a new Cult car joining after the previous one is destroyed. Maybe, a helicopter and/or explosive drone too.

V8. CHANGE OF PLAN: Ruth considers Saul to be a danger now. She orders a directed attack against him. She uses a contact at the Agency to lure him into a trap. He suspects the contact and has taken precautions. The attack results in a major car chase with Cultists throwing car after car and assassin after assassin against him.

A7. Saul becomes a direct target of the Cult leader.

PURPOSE. Saul becomes the prime target. The Cult’s resources are clear.

A8. Saul is attacked by fanatical, homicidal Cult members.

PURPOSE. Saul sees the full power of the Cult. Realizes it is more than a simple angry mob.

A9. He destroys most of the Cult assassins in a car chase and escapes.

PURPOSE. Saul’s full mastery of his skill is seen.

M10. NEW PLAN:

Saul decides that his plan of attacking Cult members isn’t working. Go after the leaders instead. Using surveillance, wire taps, trackers etc., he is led to people who might be the leaders. He finds evidence that one Cult leader is an entrepreneur-scientist who is developing mind-control to use against the Aliens. Another is a mysterious person who has a white-hot hatred of the Aliens. Both, together or separately, are working through the second-in-command of the Agency.

7. MID-POINT – AGENCY OFFICE – Saul learns of secret agenda of the Agency and that there may be another would-be dictator.

8. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2 – SAUL’S HOME – Saul’s wife is kidnapped by Cult.

A10. His wife is captured as a hostage.

PURPOSE. Saul is in a situation like when his daughter was killed.

A11. Saul gives himself up and is held prisoner.

PURPOSE. Shows Saul’s self-sacrificing response; one he was not conscious of when he went to save his daughter.

ACT 3.

Begins to finally destroy Alien enemies.

V9. CHANGE OF PLAN 2:

Ruth decides to go after Saul’s family. Ruth captures his wife. Saul gives himself up in exchange. He is placed in a cell. His weapon-cane has a laser he uses to cut his way out. He uses the laser, mini-gun and knife blade in the cane and his karate-skills to break out.

A12. Saul escapes and kills his guards.

PURPOSE. Shows Saul’s fighting ability, determination and cleverness when alone.

9. CRISIS – CULT SAFE-HOUSE – Saul kills Cult leader. Records her screams. Leaves her in agony to die.

V10. END VILLAIN RUTH:

While a prisoner, Saul overheard Ruth planning a major meeting of her chief henchmen. Saul assembles a small team of trusted colleagues and goes after them with machine guns, rocket launchers, RPGs, etc. They destroy the group. Saul stops Ruth from escaping. She laughs at him, saying she will be released because everyone hates the Aliens. Saul shoots her in her kneecaps, stomach and blows her jaw away. He then closes and locks the door. As his group come up to him, he tells them that the area is clear.

Once Ruth is killed, there is no personal reason for Saul to continue his vendetta. Will he go after Benedict for political, ethical, social or humanitarian reasons? Was there an epiphany that made him change his motivation?

A13. Discovers leader of Cult and kills her.

PURPOSE. Ends his vendetta. He has atoned for his previous incompetence.

M11. Apparent Success:

Saul discovers one of the Cult leaders and captures her after a firefight with her bodyguard. He sees the ID mark on the person and makes her death very painful.

Then, Saul learns there is another, more dangerous, Cult leader. That person is a scientist about to attack the Aliens with a mind-control weapon, like their own. If he messes up, the Aliens will kill everyone.

V12. MISTAKE:

Saul goes back to headquarters. Tells his traitorous boss that he killed the head of the Alien enemies. The boss thinks he killed Benedict, who was running him. He blurts out enough for Saul to realize that there is another Villain. Saul makes his boss talk by burning off his foot with the laser. Before Ruth killed, she gloats that she has contacts in the Agency. That’s why Saul tells Boss that his leader is dead and Boss thinks he means Benedict.

A14. Finds out that the Agency is compromised and that there is another Alien enemy.

PURPOSE. Released from his obligation to follow orders.

10. CLIMAX – BENEDICT’S LAB – Saul fights off hitmen and robots. Turns Benedict into a babbling idiot with his own mind-control device.

M12. Full out Attack:

Saul goes the scientist’s lab where he is attacked by Cultists and robots. After a lot of shooting, smashing and explosions Saul is cornered. But, he has figured out the way mind control is transmitted and uses the scientists machine to kill the Cultists and paralyze the robots.

V13. LAST ACTION:

Saul returns to Benedict’s factory at night. Brings Susan. After they enter, they are attacked by hitmen. They kill them all, preferably in Wick style. Just as they think they are in the clear, the robots that have been doing simple chores are reprogrammed to be fighters by Benedict. They attack. Susan draws them off and Saul goes after Benedict. He finds him in his laboratory beginning to activate his mind-control device. If it doesn’t work, it may kill humans or anger the Aliens enough that they will destroy most humans. Even if it does work, will the consequences be worse than before? Benedict is protected by a dozen robots. Saul is out of ammunition, exhausted and his cane is discharged.

V14. END VILLAIN BENEDICT:

Saul is helpless as Benedict gives the order to kill and the robots advance. Just then, Susan about to be killed by robots too, pulls the switch on the EMP device and the robots collapse. Saul drags Benedict to the mind-control device, pins him in place and turns on the machine. Benedict shrieks, writhes and becomes a pain-racked, babbling idiot.

11. RESOLUTION – SAUL’S HOME – Saul plays tape of screams to his wife and she begins to recover.

M13. Success:

The threat of the mind-control and the benevolence of the Aliens results in a mutual compromise between the Aliens and humans that protects the planet and benefits mankind.

A15. Kills the last Alien enemy.

PURPOSE. Saves the Earth. Peace and prosperity will follow.

[David Mailman]

David’s Action Structure.

What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Once you start making a structure, other parts, such as dialogue, locations, actions and plot begin to take shape.

1. OPENING. – FBI OFFICE – FBI agents just doing their boring jobs. Saul receives a phone call. Conversation and desk photos show Saul, the Hero, is very happy with his family.

2. THEME – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Conversation with cop. Many people are too stupid to make choices that are good for them.

3. INCITING INCIDENT. – OUTSIDE SCHOOL – Saul’s daughter and other children are murdered by Cult. Saul is wounded.

4. CATALYST – HOSPITAL – Saul faces his choices due to injuries. Saul joins the Agency.

5. DEBATE – AGENCY OFFICE – Weighs Agency methods against legal and ethical solutions.

6. FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1 – HOSPITAL – Saul sees his wife is near-catatonic. Vows vengeance.

7. MID-POINT – AGENCY OFFICE – Saul learns of secret agenda of the Agency and that there may be another would-be dictator.

8. SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2 – SAUL’S HOME – Saul’s wife is kidnapped by Cult.

9. CRISIS – CULT SAFE-HOUSE – Saul kills Cult leader. Records her screams. Leaves her in agony to die.

10. CLIMAX – BENEDICT’S LAB – Saul fights off hitmen and robots. Turns Benedict into a babbling idiot with his own mind-control device.

11. RESOLUTION – SAUL’S HOME – Saul plays tape of screams to his wife and she begins to recover.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

David’s Action Track.

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”

It took a few hours, but I learned that when one can give a purpose to an action scene then that action scene becomes more than filler for the movie. Having a purpose advances the plot and the Hero’s journey too. If one can’t think of a purpose, change the scene.

1. Answer the Action Questions:

A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie?

The action itself would be primarily human to human fighting with the threat of Alien intercession. The human involvement would mean conventional weapons: guns, cars, bombs etc. The presence of ETs could suggest more futuristic weapons such as robots. The Alien involvement might involve the threat of mind control or other unconventional weapons.

B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track?

Chases, fights, shootouts, escapes, dangerous situations, interrogation.

C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act.

ACT 1. The Hero, Saul, starts as a normal, unassuming office FBI agent.

He is accidently involved in a shootout with the Cult that he handles badly. His daughter is killed and he is wounded. He is saved from death by medical techniques derived from Alien intelligence.

PURPOSE. Establishes he is not superhuman to begin with. He owes the Aliens.

He develops intense hatred for the Cult that drives him to become a killing machine. His wounds allow him to have a brain implant that speeds up his reflexes, makes him a dead shot and gives him a super-humanly strong arm. He learns martial arts suited to his injuries and implants.

PURPOSE. Shows his new motivation and abilities as Hero.

He is appointed to an Agency tasked with protecting the Aliens from the Cult and other enemies.

PURPOSE. This gives him the infrastructure and weapons to fight the Cult.

ACT 2. Saul is given assignments by the Agency. He needs to find the leaders of the Alien enemies and destroy their gangs. This results in:

A fight at a bomb-making factory during a routine investigation.

PURPOSE. Saul begins his journey with what seems to be a routine assignment. He begins his role as an action Hero.

Interrogation of a suspect.

PURPOSE. Saul begins to be the aggressor and ruthless.

A fight at the shuttle site against assassins trying to stop him finding the bomb.

PURPOSE. Saul is now an obvious target of the Cult and begins to realize what he is up against.

Saul becomes a direct target of the Cult leader.

PURPOSE. Saul becomes the prime target. The Cult’s resources are clear.

Saul is attacked by fanatical, homicidal Cult members.

PURPOSE. Saul sees the full power of the Cult. Realizes it is more than a simple, angry mob.

He destroys most of the Cult assassins in a car chase and escapes.

PURPOSE. Saul’s full mastery of his skill is seen.

His wife is captured as a hostage.

PURPOSE. Saul is in a situation like when his daughter was killed.

Saul gives himself up and is held prisoner.

PURPOSE. Shows Saul’s self-sacrificing response; one he was not conscious of when he went to save his daughter.

Saul escapes and kills his guards.

PURPOSE. Shows Saul’s fighting ability, determination and cleverness when alone.

ACT 3. Begins to finally destroy Alien enemies.

Discovers leader of Cult and kills her.

PURPOSE. Ends his vendetta. He has atoned for his previous incompetence.

Finds out that the Agency is compromised and that there is another Alien enemy.

PURPOSE. Released from his obligation to follow orders.

Kills the last Alien enemy.

PURPOSE. Saves the Earth. Peace and prosperity will follow.

[David Mailman]

Something that occurred to me after posting. Once Ruth is killed, there is no personal reason for Saul to continue his vendetta. Will he go after Benedict for political, ethical, social or humanitarian reasons? Was there an epiphany that made him change his motivation?

[David Mailman]

<b align=”center”>David’s Villain’s Tracks.

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”It can be intriguing to put oneself in the mind of a Villain. However, if the Villain is really evil, then one can become uneasy. It is more difficult to imagine how a Villain will act and their scenarios than for a Hero.

1. Ask the Villain Track questions to discover your Villain’s plan, decisions, and actions.

A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero?

· Preexisting plan. Get the Aliens to leave by whatever means necessary even if many people are killed.

· Ruth – Villain 1. To use her followers in the Cult to create so much chaos that the aliens, actually benevolent to mankind, will leave Earth.

· Benedict – Villain 2. A wealthy scientist who is developing a mind-control device, like the one the Aliens use, to destroy the Aliens.

· Saul, the Hero, has a personal vendetta against the Cult and is following orders from the Agency to destroy the Cult. He will interfere with the plans of both Villains.

B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero?

· The Villains have fanatic and paid assassins, Agency contacts and spies, standard weapons, robots, scientific weapons etc. They can attack Saul, his family or friends, trick him and block his activity through the Agency.

C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie?

· Secrecy and hidden agents. Guerilla warfare means the Villains choose their fights. Support of the public. Scientific discoveries. Money. Fanatic and paid followers.

· The Villains can choose the time and place of their attacks and bring enormous resources to them.

D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done?

· Ruth is captured by Saul and shot numerous times in the most painful spots and left to die.

· Benedict is subjected to his thought control device and left a pain-racked idiot.

PREPLAN – HERO INTERRUPTS.

VILLAINS:​ Ruth and Benedict HERO: ​ Saul Miller

BACK STORY: Told briefly in flashbacks, conversations or reveals.

Ruth: Born into a Survivalist family in Idaho. Intense and unforgiving fringe religion. Molested by father and brothers. Twenty-five when Aliens came. Only survivor of her family. Sterilized. Became itinerant, charismatic preacher. Assembled the Cult from her followers. Selected the most fanatic and wealthiest. White-hot hatred of the Aliens. Wants to create as much chaos as possible, hoping to drive Aliens away. No conscience or morals.

Benedict: Born into wealthy scientific family. Indoctrinated with intellectual superiority. Educated in Anthropology, EE and Computational Linguistics. Resents being subordinate to the Aliens, although he envies their power. Believes he can rule the world, or at least the USA, once he gets rid of the Aliens.

FIRST ACTION:​ Ruth plants some of her Cultists in a peaceful demonstration in front of a school. She orders them to shoot the children. When they start killing children and teachers, Saul, one of the parents who happens to be an average FBI agent, is picking up his daughter. He kills some of the Cultists and drives the remaining ones away. He rescues several of the children, but Ruth, angry at the interference, kills his daughter and cripples him. Ruth is disguised, but has a disfigured hand.

RECOVERY: Saul is appointed to the Agency, tasked with protecting the aliens. Ruth is informed of his appointment by a spy in the Agency. Dismisses him as useless cripple. Saul works tirelessly with sensei to learn martial-arts that fit his injuries. He works with the Agency weapons-group to develop a weapons-cane. Saul is driven by hatred of the Cult. While Saul is recovering, he is investigating the Villains. A few facts about the Villains are revealed here.

FIRST VILLAIN MEETING. Saul goes to meet Benedict on a routine inquiry. He takes his tough assistant, Susan, with him. Was told Benedict is a source of information. Benedict fills in some facts about Aliens (for audience too). General information about how mind-control can be: selective, its limitations, transmission and effects, and Alien culture and goals (benevolent, but alien compared to human) etc. Benedict misleads Saul on some points and doesn’t tell him he is developing a mind-control device and battle-robots. He also points out an EMP device that he had developed, hoping it would destroy the Aliens’ ship, but if failed because it had a limited range.

WEAPONS:​ Ruth and Benedict have access to all conventional weapons. Ruth has fanatic followers and can hire professionals. Benedict has money and has developed robots that can be programmed to be fighting machines. Benedict is also developing a mind control device that is similar to the one used by the Aliens. He wants to use it against the Aliens, but it can be used against humans.

FIRST ENGAGEMENT: Ruth plans to plant a bomb in a shuttle that supplies the Alien ships. The Cultists assemble the bomb, set the timer and send it to the airport for loading. Saul is informed by an Agency source that some of the Cultists are meeting. He and Susan go to the site and fight with the Cult. They take one prisoner and force him to talk. They use a fake video of an Alien eating a live person and threaten him with being lunch.

SECOND ENGAGEMENT: Saul and Susan go to the airport. The Cult knows they are coming and set up an ambush. When Saul finds the bomb, they are pinned down by close and sniper fire. Saul and Susan fight their way out and delay the bomb loading. One last Cult member has them in his sights, but he is next to the bomb when it explodes.

CHANGE OF PLAN: Ruth considers Saul to be a danger now. She orders a directed attack against him. She uses a contact at the Agency to lure him into a trap. He suspects the contact and has taken precautions. The attack results in a major car chase with Cultists throwing car after car and assassin after assassin against him.

CHANGE OF PLAN 2: Ruth decides to go after Saul’s family. Ruth captures his wife. Saul gives himself up in exchange. He is placed in a cell. His weapon-cane has a laser he uses to cut his way out. He uses the laser, mini-gun and knife blade in the cane and his karate-skills to break out.

END VILLAIN RUTH: While a prisoner, Saul overheard Ruth planning a major meeting of her chief henchmen. Saul assembles a small team of trusted colleagues and goes after them with machine guns, rocket launchers, RPGs, etc. They destroy the group. Saul stops Ruth from escaping. She laughs at him, saying she will be released, because everyone hates the Aliens. Saul shoots her in her kneecaps, stomach and blows her jaw away. He then closes and locks the door. As his group come up to him, he tells them that the area is clear.

MISTAKE: Saul goes back to headquarters. Tells his traitorous boss that he killed the head of the Alien enemies. The boss thinks he killed Benedict, who was running him. He blurts out enough for Saul to realize that there is another Villain. Saul makes his boss talk by burning off his foot with the laser.

LAST ACTION: Saul returns to Benedict’s factory at night. Brings Susan. After they enter, they are attacked by hitmen. They kill them all, preferably in Wick style. Just as they think they are in the clear, the robots that have been doing simple chores are reprogrammed to be fighters by Benedict. They attack. Susan draws them off and Saul goes after Benedict. He finds him in his laboratory beginning to activate his mind-control device. If it doesn’t work, it may kill humans or anger the Aliens enough that they will destroy most humans. Even if it does work, will the consequences be worse than before? Benedict is protected by a dozen robots. Saul is out of ammunition, exhausted and his cane is discharged.

END VILLAIN BENEDICT: Saul is helpless as Benedict gives the order to kill and the robots advance. Just then, Susan about to be killed by robots too, pulls the switch on the EMP device and the robots collapse. Saul drags Benedict to the mind-control device, pins him in place and turns on the machine. Benedict shrieks, writhes and becomes a pain-racked, babbling idiot.

[David Mailman]

David’s Hero’s Mission Track

“What I learned doing this assignment is…?”

From this assignment, I learned visualizing one scene in a movie leads to a second and in turn a third etc. Having some guides greatly facilitates the process. Even some characters solidify or appear.

A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds?

Driven by unwavering revenge and a sense of duty.

B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal?

Protecting Aliens who could annihilate mankind from a Cult supported by most of mankind.

C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?

Internal motivation: revenge for death of his daughter and finding the right thing to do.

External motivation; it’s his job, he is under orders

D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain?

Backstory:

Ten years before the story starts, Alien spaceships arrived. The Aliens were only concerned with protecting the Earth from the damages humans were doing to it. One-week later, tens of millions of sociopaths and psychopaths were exterminated and billions of others sterilized by mind-control. Peace and prosperity followed, but most people still resent the Aliens. The Cult is a terrorist group against the Aliens and anyone who protects them.

Shown indirectly through spaceships over cities, conversations, news, signs, demonstrations etc.

Motivation:

Revenge against the Cult who killed his daughter and other children, and crippled him.

Duty to carry out his job of protecting Aliens from Cult.

Uncertainty about character or truth of Aliens and Cult

Inciting Incident:

Saul’s daughter is killed and he is crippled by the Cult.

First Action:

Saul is a normal FBI agent and normal person. He goes to pick his daughter up at her school. The Cult is demonstrating against the Aliens. Some hate children because they are sterilized. They start shooting the children. Saul runs to rescue his daughter, shooting at the Cult and saving children along the way. Just as he gets to her, one of the Cult opens up with an UZI and kills the daughter and cripples Saul. Saul sees the cult member has an IDing mark.

Obstacle:

Saul recovers from his injuries. He learns martial arts that fit his injuries. Learns to use a weapons-cane. Assigned to an Agency where members hate Aliens, just like everyone else, but are tasked with protecting them. Most people are there because of higher pay and secretly support the Cult. Saul hates the Cult more than he dislikes Aliens.

Escalation:

Saul starts actively attacking the Cult as directed by the Agency. First assignment is to find a bomb being put on a shuttle to one of the Alien ships.

Second action:

Saul has a sexy, tough, prickly female partner of uncertain gender preference. They roughly interrogate a suspect. They go to the bomb-making site and have a shoot-out with Cult members. They find the time the bomb is set for and that it will be put aboard a shuttle to an Alien ship. They go to the airport and as they find the package they are fired at and pinned down. The timer is ticking. They break out and shoot up the Cult members. They get them all. As they stand up together, an easy target, a Cult member with a Tommy-gun jumps up. Just as he pulls the trigger, the bomb goes off and he gets blown to smithereens.

Overwhelming Odds:

The Cult has thousands of fanatical assassins who would willingly die to hurt Aliens or the people protecting them.

Saul becomes more of a threat to the Aliens. The mysterious leader of the cult orders him to be killed. An ambush is set up. A wild car chase begins with crashes and shooting. Saul and his partner must avoid injuring people and prevent the Cult from the same. This makes for some fancy driving and action. The chase rushes through one street after another with a new Cult car joining after the previous one is destroyed. Maybe, a helicopter and/or explosive drone too.

New Plan:

Saul decides that his plan of attacking Cult members isn’t working. Go after the leaders instead. Using surveillance, wire taps, trackers etc., he is led to people who might be the leaders. He finds evidence that one Cult leader is an entrepreneur-scientist who is developing mind-control to use against the aliens. Another is a mysterious person who has a white-hot hatred of the Aliens. Both, together or separately, are working through the second-in-command of the Agency.

Apparent Success:

Saul discovers one of the Cult leaders and captures her after a fire-fight with her bodyguard. He sees the ID mark on the person and makes her death very painful.

Then, Saul learns there is another, more dangerous, Cult leader. That person is a scientist about to attack the Aliens with a mind-control weapon, similar to their own. If he messes up, the Aliens would probably kill everyone.

Full out Attack:

Saul goes the scientist’s lab where he is attacked by Cultists and robots. After a lot of shooting, smashing and explosions Saul is cornered. But, he has figured out the way mind control is transmitted and uses the scientists machine to kill the Cultists and paralyze the robots.

Success:

The threat of the mind-control and the benevolence of the Aliens results in a mutual compromise between the Aliens and humans that protects the planet and benefits mankind.

[David Mailman]

Paul, is there a personal connection between Alexi and Richard?

[David Mailman]

Hi Paul and everyone.

It looks like one can comment on the lessons. You just did. I had emailed Johana to see if that was OK, but have not had a reply. So, let’s go ahead. Feedback, seems to me, to be an important aspect of any class. Just keep it positive or questions.

I liked Janeen’s dog. One can give it more of a comedic role, besides making it sensitive to people. Who can resist a dog? The daughter (Would have to be older from the plot description. A sister?) could supply the romance. A middle-aged person’s romance would be a different twist in an action film. Maybe, have her join the Hero to protect her grandparents. Even, have her kidnapped by the Hero as in “The 39-Steps”.

Has anyone noticed in most of these submissions, as well as in 99% of all action films, the Hero is former FBI, CIA, Special Forces, Ranger, martial-arts, policeman etc. My next Hero is going to be a retired Classics professor.

Excuse my assignment formatting above. It didn’t carry over from my text into the forum .

[David Mailman]

What I learned in this assignment. Same as the first lesson. It takes a special talent to come up with unique traits and actions. And, then elevate them. And, keep in mind that any change in the story must elicit action, not simply a dramatic response. However, one can keep hacking at the problems.

CONCEPT: A former FBI agent must destroy the cult that crippled him and slaughtered his daughter before they kill billions of people.

Hero Morally Right: He was crippled and his daughter killed by villains. Fights to save the world from destruction. Hero Morally Wrong: Siding with Aliens against people. Villains Morally Wrong: Fanatic killers. Attacked hero’s family. Will betray their country for power. Seek to rule the world.Villains Morally Right: Trying to restore the self-rule of humanity.

Hero: Former FBI agent

A. Unique Skill Set Despite handicap, has learned to use special weapons and previous martial-arts skills.B. Motivation Revenge for daughter’s death. To save the world.C. Secret or Wound Daughter’s death. Uncertainty about his origins.

Villains: Head of cult, ruthless scientist, traitor.

A. Unbeatable Can summon hundreds of fanatics to their bidding. Powerful and rich.B. Plan/Goal To create enough chaos that Aliens will destroy mankind. To control Aliens to their bidding.C. What they lose Extermination.

if Hero survives

Impossible Mission: To protect Aliens when most of the world believes they are evil.

A. Puts Hero in Action. Discovering the danger against the Aliens requires the hero to pursue and kill villains.

· B. Demands They Go Has to change from routine FBI duties to finding psychotic mass

Beyond Their Best: murderers while crippled.

· C. Destroy the Villain. Find the leaders of the anti-alien gang, destroy them and find the secret WMD.

Elevations.

Hero to villains:

What if the hero’s weapons were super good, like James Bond’s? The villains would attack his friends or family. Or, more mass attacks, bombs, robots, drones, EMPs.

What if the Agency were destroyed and the hero had to go it alone? Does he have “special” friends he could go to? Depend on himself? How would the villains find him?

What if the hero found the WMD and had to decide whether to use it or not? Would the villains stop him or let him do it?

Hero to mission:

Show the world that Aliens are good and/or Psychos are bad?

Would Aliens intervene in some way?

Is there some event that would turn one of the villains to support the Hero?

[David Mailman]

David Mailman

What I learned during this assignment. It is difficult to think outside the box. Trying to come up with a different hero with different skills, considering the 10,000 action films with different heroes and different skills, taxes one’s imagination. Then, one comes up against the feeling that what you are considering is too absurd to be considered.

TITLE

ALIEN RESURRECTION

CONCEPT

What if aliens arrive to save the earth from its inhabitants, but some humans fight others to prevent it?

CONVENTIONS

Highly Skilled Hero:

An ex-FBI agent and martial-arts expert who is now a profiler for a special government agency. The agency protects ET aliens, who have conquered the world, against an anti-alien cult. The agent was crippled during a fight with the cult. He has learned to compensate.

Demand for Action:

The cult is developing plans to kill aliens and humans who support them. If the plans succeed, the aliens may wipe out most of the world’s population.

Mission:

The agency must protect the aliens and find the mysterious head of the cult.

Antagonist:

The hero’s antagonists include: bureaucrats in the agency who are jockeying for power; the head of the cult; and a scientist who wants to control the aliens.

Escalating Action:

As the mission proceeds, the cult’s attacks escalate from directed at the aliens to include the hero and his family.

[David Mailman]

David Mailman

I agree to the terms of this release form.

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[David Mailman]

Hi everyone.

David Mailman

One completed first draft. Needs serious work. Eight in idea to basic plan stages.

The ability to write a script that pleases me: and, maybe, wins a few contests.

First, my age: 83. I was a professor of physiology for 41- years. I loved every minute of it. I retired 16-years ago. I’ve always considered movies the greatest art-form, so I started taking film-making courses. I wrote or directed half-a-dozen short films that were shone on local TV; only one of which was worth anything. I also made a feature length documentary DVD on nautical history. It sold six-copies, but I didn’t put much effort into marketing it. I also worked on a “real” film on the craft table, as a set dresser, face-in-the-crowd and general factotum. I call it “a real film” because it had a budget.

About three-years ago I started writing scripts. One problem with being an academic and scientist is that I deal in stories that are believable and sterile. Also, I deal in text, not subtext. This attitude makes writing commercial movie scripts very difficult.

[David Mailman]

Not me. I looked everywhere I could think of. We might have to improvise. I had the same problem with other courses.

[David Mailman]

Shattered knees are very painful. Can you get around? Does it require surgery? What will the puppy weigh when it gets to be an adult?

I suspect it is the same for everyone who takes it seriously. I’ve been doing the same. I work till I find I’ve read the same line 20 times. I suspect a good writer will never think it’s complete. I keep thinking of new scenes, dialogue, or twists. It will be done when I sell it.

I can’t find the place where we exchange on this site. Would you like to do it by email?

I sent a Linked In message. How do you do the course? Don’t you need a computer for it?

I can post my email here, but I’d rather do it selectively. Do you belong to Stage 32 or other writers’ groups?

[David Mailman]

Love this opening too. I’ll post comments later.

Working in this format on a script would be difficult. We need email. Did you connect recently with your Linked In or Goodreads connections?

[David Mailman]

You can’t do God’s will by doing what you’re told to escape punishment, like children.

Paraphrased from “The Nightwatchman” by Louise Erdrich

[David Mailman]

In retrospect, I have been thinking about my added lines. Some may be worth including in the script. Would you like to exchange Lesson 15 third acts? I’d also include earlier scenes where the lines might go, for your opinion.

Does your line occur in the snow? How about something with “whitened sepulchers”. Or, “You have to know the difference between what God wrote and what man wrote.”.

[David Mailman]

It’s always interesting to see what grabs others. That would not have been close to some of my favorites, “Your father never had any luck he could see.”, “I almost got fed to sharks. Not seeing you again would be worse.”, “If this puppy followed you home, would you keep him?”, “Say hello to your boss when you get down there.”.

[David Mailman]

I liked, ” At least it’s somewhere familiar”.

A tough one. Let me think about it.

Quickly. There’s a big difference between being good and seeming good,

[David Mailman]

More great dialogue and philosophy delivered in a mostly conversational way. I wonder if Oliver is too articulate and Western for an Indian. Isn’t there a large age disparity between Ambrose and Jody (story does work better with her female) for a love interest? Already a priest vs young student?

Your psychological/social awareness provides another focus for the profiles. The back story for Ambrose and Jody works well.

How about this for subtext? Keep original.

No, they re-assigned me.

(pause)

I’m lying.

I would have turned into one of them.

I would certainly see this movie.

[David Mailman]

Cute.

[David Mailman]

Excellent. Promises a lot to come. Good subtext. Especially the knife on the arm. Do we have or learn the reason for the whisper rather than spoken?

[David Mailman]

I really admire the way you embody concepts and beliefs in your characters and situations. It provides a focus for your writing. The scene is easily visualized as written, but it may be hard to show the emotions and personality on-screen even with good direction. Angelino is obviously malicious. Maybe too much so. Perhaps, some subtext here? The scene plays well, is believable, and is engrossing even with mostly dialogue. The dialogue fits the characters. Would a director follow your stage directions even though they are descriptive and effective? Your script is coming alive.

[David Mailman]

This is a very inspiring source for a story. Religion, malice (I consider evil a theological concept, not a real one), and innocence used as philosophical concepts and bases for story building are what makes great literature. The same basis is used in Brothers Karamazov, Faust, Lord Jim, and The Great Gatsby. If you can express these sentiments and emotions in vision and dialogue, you should have a critical and commercial success.

I do have a few questions. I am unclear where the Holy Trinity fits in – dogma and control? Who is the protagonist? I can see three in what I have read. All could be Heroes. Is Jody in love with Ambrose? Making Jody female is a good idea. Major feminine roles should be an advantage nowadays and are uncommon. Does Jody do something to bring S&R? It would be better to have her an agent rather than have rescue by chance. Is there any way you could make the decision to walk out rather than stay put the logical one? How desperate is Ambrose to get to dialysis? I would stay in place and build a smoke fire. She has gas from the truck. (Forgot. They are in a blizzard>)

[David Mailman]

These are profound character traits and beautifully expressed.

I might suggest making Angelino more evil. Perhaps “assassin” rather than “rogue attorney”.

DeGaulle’s arc doesn’t seem “negative” to me.

[David Mailman]

You created a mood quite well. A very powerful introduction. You might consider that the movie could be shot at any season and therefore the song might be different. Maybe, say the action is interspersed with the choir or the song is background. The producer and sound designer would make those decisions based on practical circumstances.

[David Mailman]

Your character’s traits seem well developed.

How is Rose’s role related to daughter and sister?

[David Mailman]

It looks like your story is well planned. The new options fit and you have a handle on their need. The story is out of the headlines and filled with action and meaning.

Trivial and technical. You might check with a nephrologist or GP about the IV port or whether a fistula would be needed or likely become septic. Also, about how fast someone would need to get to dialysis before fatal.

[David Mailman]

(I can see a fun or thriller script using visions, pirate gold, haunted (maybe) house, and/or murder. Like “And Then There Were None”. What are the comps for the series? Beetlejuice meets The Old Dark House?)

Life on the Rock hour-long television pilot (What does “Rock” mean?)

Logline: A Harvard biologist returns to her roots when she inherits a house in unhinged (Unhinged still doesn’t look right. Irrational?) Key West and discovers mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. As a deadly hurricane turns towards the island chain, she must come to grips with the past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm. (Nice ending.)

Main Conflict: Rose inherits a house and then survives attempts on her life while she renovates it for sale. (Would a pilot need something more dramatic than a renovation? Sufficient to justify murder?)

1. Opening: Scene from the past – Three children on a beach see a strange vision of a pirate ship enshrouded in mists and clouds. . Present day – Havard biologist Rose Kelly learns she’s inherited her great-aunt’s beachfront house in Key West.

2. Act 1 (Inciting Incident): Rose travels to Key West to list the house. (She) witnesses a wacky world completely different from Boston, <s>then arrives to find</s> (T)the house is dilapidated and can’t be sold right away.

3. By page 10, you know what the story is about – Rose, frustrated at the conditions of the house, reconnects with childhood friends Miller and Mitsu, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious vision of a pirate ship decades before. They try to talk Rose into staying in Key West. (What is inciting? What is requiring a journey? She could sell It for less and leave to do research. What makes it a need, must, force? What does she want?)

Revised point: <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Rose, frustrated at the conditions of the house, reconnects with childhood friends Miller and Mitsu, the two friends who also witnessed the mysterious vision of a pirate ship decades before. They try to talk Rose into staying in Key West but she <s>adamantly</s> refuses.<i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> Rose’s distant cousin, Stuart, tries to get Rose to put him in charge of selling the house so she can return to Boston. (Where will he come in?)

4. First turning point at end of Act 1 – Rose decides to stay in Key West to renovate the house in order to sell it to fund her research. (Will she profit more from this? The land is usually worth far more than the house on it.)

5. Act 2 – The 3 friends catch up on “life after the vision” and Rose becomes the victim of several accidents. The three finally realize the “accidents” have a purpose – to scare Rose into leaving the Keys.

6. Second turning point at end of Act 2 – hurricane warnings are sounded as Rose tries to determine who is trying to kill her, and why.

7. Crisis – Act 3 – Rose doesn’t know who she can trust as she, Miller, and Mitsu are trapped by the approaching storm. (What makes them untrustworthy? What is their mystery? Are these going to be the characters that drive the series?)

8. Action to resolve Crisis – Act 4 – The three friends survive the storm and capture the bad guy. (Need more detail here.)

9. Resolution – Act 5 – Rose accidentally discovers a secret room containing, among other items, a pirates chest. (What does Rose do to drive the plot? Accidently finding something does not show agency.)

End of Episode One (What is the genre? “Wacky” implies it will be a comedy. Attempted murder-a thriller.

I don’t have a sense of uniqueness for the characters. What makes me like/ empathize/ identify with them?

The pilot seems to end here. Is it a limited series or open-ended? A series pilot sets up many interesting characters that drive the plot for many episodes. The characters are 99% of a TV series. What are the loglines for a year’s worth of episodes that can be seen in the pilot?

I like the basic story. Will there be a really bad villain?)

[David Mailman]

Agreed. It conveys immediate recognition and violent history.

[David Mailman]

I had a logline like this but I left out the Spanish Inquisition because I felt it was too long. I’ll put it back in.

[David Mailman]

The story is very topical. Many paths to intrigue, suspense, and action. Your scenes seem set up already.

David.

[David Mailman]

I’m open to suggestions for better communication and commentary. The technique I used fit my typing and thinking ability.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Happy to, as I come across them.

[David Mailman]

Logline: A straitlaced, acerbic, and self-reliant (Perhaps, fewer adjectives – prim? Is she narrow-minded? Militant?) Harvard scientist (What discipline? physicist, etc.?) returns to her roots when she inherits a house in no rules (wild, hedonistic, criminal? Will this be a plot point?) Key West. While trying to sell the house to finance her research (A technical point. A Harvard scientist, depending on the field, will be getting Federal grants. Depending on the field she may need more money than she can get from a house. Is she failing at her research? Job? Tenure? This could be a motivation for action and/or character. Atypical behavior.) Rose Kelly (Usually names aren’t needed in Loglines. Descriptors are standard.) discovers that mystery, murder, magic, and mayhem are part of her inheritance. (Magic and mayhem aren’t reflected in the One Page /Synopsis.) As a killer hurricane turns towards the island chain, Rose must come to grips with her past and future, both as dangerous as the coming storm.

(Great last sentence. Usually, loglines are one sentence. Sometimes two. The Lesson gives good examples.)

One Page: Rose Kelly, single and straitlaced Harvard ant scientist, (Is “ant” pertinent to the plot? Entomologist? An entomologist may not need much money. Fieldwork is cheap and so is lab research. Ants don’t eat very much. Why does she need to be a scientist? Would Lit be OK?) learns that she has inherited her great-aunt’s old beachfront home in Key West, a place Rose thought she had left far behind. (Why? Bad memories?) With a scruffy mutt stowaway, (Is mutt significant to plot?) Rose returns to her childhood home, once majestic but now dilapidated, ruining her plans for a quick sale<s> for big bucks</s>. She crosses paths (meets) with her childhood best friends, frustrated writer/bartender Miller, and Voodoo practitioner/avant-garde (hyphen?) florist Mitsu. (Full names are probably OK. Are jobs part of the plot?). Rose <s>is dismayed by the condition of the house, which she hoped to sell to finance her research, and</s> extends her intended brief stay in order to complete repairs and list the house.

As a distant cousin conspires to deprive Rose of her inheritance, rumors of pirates and hidden treasure begin to surface. Could there be a pirate’s booty hidden in the house or buried in its yard? A string of maybe-not-accidents befalls Rose, leading her to rely more and more on the two people she knows she could trust the most – but could one or both of them (be) in league with her evil cousin? <s>Handsom</s>e Miller, (awkward phrase.) the life of the party with a string of broken hearts in his wake, seems to want to worm his way into Rose’s affections, but is he attracted to her or to the rumored treasure? And Rose wonders if Mitsu’s dabbling with poisonous native plants has a dark purpose. Meanwhile, Rose’s cousin, sleazy attorney Stuart McCoy, seems hell (-) bound (intent?) on dispossessing Rose and keeping any treasure for himself. And what is causing the strange nightmares of mystical happenings that plague Rose’s sleep?

As Rose becomes more and more distraught, her confidence in her ability to cope with any situation disintegrating (Emotional journey good.), she is forced to rely on her friends, and they on her, in order to survive the biggest hurricane to hit the Keys <s>since the infamous Labor Day Hurricane of 1935</s>. (Why does a hurricane count? Is a deadline needed? Couldn’t they evacuate and come back?) All three come to understand that real treasure is sometimes something intangible.

I like the story. The interesting heroine, buried treasure (of course), mysterious villain, distrust of friends, the old house, hurricane, Voodoo, etc. But I don’t see a story in the One Page. The description seems general. What happens? How do people change? Cause-effect relationships are not clear. When does the villain enter? How does he attack? It should be a life-or-death situation. What do the main secondary characters do? All expressed briefly.

<s> is the beginning-end of crossed-out phrase.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

There seem to be some similarities between our scripts. Would you be interested in exchanging?

David.

[David Mailman]

Hi Greg. I liked your One Page. Fighter pilot movies are one of my favorite Action genres. The Logline and Synopsis hit all the pertinent points and tell the story. Although, at first, I thought the logline was actually for “Top Gun”. It doesn’t seem to fit the Logline conventions and format.

Unfortunately, I already paired up with someone else. Good luck.

David.

[David Mailman]

I’m flattered. Nevertheless, innate abilities, talent, and imagination count for a lot in this field. I’d still like to partner. Let’s keep up a conversation.

David.

[David Mailman]

It holds together. Nicely organized. Where is the father?

[David Mailman]

It looks like several people had the same problem. I had to go over the lesson several times to get, even, a working facility. Also, the script is one I have been working off and on, mostly off, for several years. I realized it was a drama that now needs to be changed to a thriller. So, I have to think new and rethink old. Poor Sandy, she was an open, affectionate girl and now she is a treacherous bitch, maybe.

[David Mailman]

Congratulations on the production.

[David Mailman]

Cool! I didn’t realize it was an allegory.

[David Mailman]

I wonder how necessary having the family descended from Henrietta Lacks is, or is it a conceit. HL was, probably, very susceptible; she died within the year. Also, her family is very well known now. A very good story and current.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  David Mailman.

[David Mailman]

Perhaps, the villain could be represented by the hero looking at old photos, letters, imagining old events, others reminding the hero of what happened. Going with the flow is a great state to be in. I am still using a rubber hose until the script tells me what I want to know.

[David Mailman]

A clever and plausible story. Connected with the present.

[David Mailman]

Still, with the right script changes, that could have been an alternative explanation.

[David Mailman]

Excellent analysis. Especially, about strong B story.

[David Mailman]

That was my guess, but I wondered about mandatory weight checkpoints, breakdowns, all the equipment needed for transmitting etc.

[David Mailman]

What is the advantage of having the fight in a truck rather than a studio? Both would be equally undetectable.