David Penn
Forum Replies Created
-
David’s Plot
What I learned is the layering of the romantic journey with the overall plot of the story.
ACT 1:
Opening: Fiery Trump rally in a blue collar town.
Her Initial State: She’s a liberal reporter covering a Trump rally, barely containing her disgust.
His Initial State: Face painted red white and blue, whooping it up at the rally with his buddies.
Meet-Cute: A politically motived act of arson occurs. Mitch saves a life- he’s a fireman. She interviews him.
Him: Impressed by her beauty and intelligence- she’s unlike any of the local girls.
Her: She’s impressed by his manliness and selflessness- unlike the guys she usually dates.
Inciting Incident: With the help of his fellow firefighters, he asks her on a date. She says yes.
Him: He’s nervous as a schoolboy, thinking she’s out of his league.
Her: Her friends like him, encouraging her.
Attraction/Flirting: He takes her on a special picnic date- simple but nice. Facetimes with her friends. They end up at the firehouse, sharing their first kiss.
Her: She’s head over heels for him.
Him: He thinks she might be the one.
Turning Point: Her friends discover through social media that he’s an avid Trump supporter.
Her Initial Challenge: Finds out he’s a Trump supporter.
His Initial Challenge: Finds out she’s a woke liberal
ACT 2
New Plan: Date, but keep things fun and on the surface, avoiding any serious discussion.
Plan in Action: She has dinner with Mitch and his Trump loving dad. Politics can’t be avoided- ends badly.
Denial: She thinks it’s not gonna work. He thinks she might be out of his league- too smart.
Midpoint Turning Point: Election night chaos. Riots break out. Their political differences explode.
Major conflict/obstacle: There’s no way to stay toether- they’re too different.
Separation: This isn’t gonna work.
ACT 3
Rethink everything: Liz dedicates herself to career. Mitch goes back to his local bar with his buddies.
New Plan: Go separate ways, back to their comfort zones. Mitch’s dad dies- he has no family left. Liz sees the humanity of the Trump crowd.Self reflection: They both realize the comfort zone is not the answer. They fulfill each other’s needs.
Turning point: Huge failure/major shift. She gets her dream job in NYC while he ends up in the hospital after being involved in a vicious fire.
Working Through Issues: Knowing he has no family left, she pretends to be his fiancee and visits him. They realize political differences are ultimately meaningless. But she has to follow her dream and goes to NYC.
Acceptance and Growth: They understand they can’t be together and accept it.
ACT 4
All is lost: He’s back at the job, miserable. She’s in NYC, miserable.
Demonstrate the change: He goes to NYC- a city he loathes- to plead his love for her.
Climax/ultimate Expression of the conflict:. He surprises her at a big media event.
Reunion: They’re together again.Love Happens: They kiss and declare their true feelings for each other.
Resolution: They’re gonna try to make this work. Love trumps politics.
-
David’s His Journey/Her Journey
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of structuring the arc of the relationship from both viewpoints.
MITCH KULCHINKI (‘SKI’)
1. Initial state: He’s a Trump loving fireman who’s tired of being single and seeing the same girls in the small town. He wants to start a family.
2. Meet-Cute moment: Liz, a reporter, interviews Mitch after he saves a life in a fire… and sparks fly.
3. Initial challenges: They have radically different political beliefs in a turbulent election year. His friends don’t think it’ll work. His conservative, former Marine dad jibes her at a dinner.
4. Major conflict/Obstacle: Election night chaos, riots in the street. He can’t understand her world and vice versa. They break up, staying in their comfort zone.
5. Self-Reflection: He goes back to his old ways, hanging with his buddies, picking up girls. His dad dies (without having a grandchild). Mitch realizes this is not the life he wants.
6. Acceptance and Growth: He nearly dies in a fire and is hospitalized. He has no family to visit him. Liz does, rekindling their spark.
7. Demonstrate the change: He surprises Liz in NYC- she got her dream job- and professes that he’s willing to move there to make the relationship work.
8. Reunion: She attends the funeral for Mitch’s dad in the small town. Everyone welcomes her. They make plans to incorporate their different lives- big city and small town- making compromises, symbolic of how politics should work.LIZ WESTBROOK
1. Initial state: Liz is a liberal reporter stuck in a blue collar town, hellbent on getting out.
2. Meet-Cute moment: She interviews Mitch after he saves lives in a politically motivated fire and is impressed. She never thought she’d be attracted to someone so ‘basic.’
3. Initial challenges: She finds out through social media that Mitch is a huge Trump fan. Has an uncomfortable dinner with his conservative dad.
4. Major conflict/Obstacle: Election night chaos. Their political differences explode, ending the relationship. She’s gonna focus on her career 100% and get out of this town.
5. Self-Reflection: She gets her dream job in NYC, then learns that Mitch is in the hospital. She pretends to be his fiance to visit him.
6. Acceptance and Growth: She goes to NYC and finds her colleagues are even more liberal that her, out of touch with real problems people face. She misses Mitch.
7. Demonstrate the change: At a big media event, Mitch shows up and professes his love. She’s willing to make this work.
8. Reunion: She returns to the small town for the funeral of Mitch’s dad and is welcomed by everyone, feeling the love of the small town. -
David’s 7 Stages of Love
What I learned fron this assignment is the necessary structure for a well told love story,
Meet Cute: First time is at political rally. She covers the event, interviews a guy, his face painted red, white and blue… a couple nights later, she interviews him after he saves a life (he’s a fireman). This is the first time she really sees him and is impressed.
Attraction-Flirting. They have a great day at the park, never delving into politics. Facetimes her friends- they all love him. He takes her to the firehouse; they kiss.
Denial. She finds out he’s a huge Trump supporter and is horrified. His friends go out to the local bar and he has chance to hook up with his old high school girlfriend. They both deny they have feelings for each other, but we can see they do.
Separation/Forced Together. Election night. Rumors of it being rigged abound. Riots break out, the media
(and others) are attacked. He saves her from rioters- they’re trapped in the building where she works. Realizes his fellow supporters have gone too far.
Working through issues/differences. Talk politics and what they want out of life- very different. She wants to get outta town, he wants to raise a family here. Despite this, they have a strong attraction and share a lot of values.
Hate/betrayal/all is lost. She lands her dream job in NYC. He almost dies in a fire, is hospitalized. He has no family to visit him. She visits him, pretending to be his fiancee. These two are meant to be together, though she’s now moving.
Love Happens. She’s in NYC, missing him. He’s back on his feet, but missing her. He goes to NYC (a city he’s not fond of) and surprises her at a big media event. They’re gonna try to make it work despite their differences. Love trumps politics. -
David’s Bigger Story
What I learned from this assignment is the story has to be bigger than just the romantic element.
1. Brainstorm at least 5 ideas for each of these and select the one or combination you like best for your bigger story.
A. What interesting world could this movie/show be set in? Dystopia America. Civil War. World War III. Martial law. Overthrow the government.
B. What major conflict could be happening? See above.
C. What intriguing situation could these characters be engaged in? Political turmoil, have to pick a side.
2. Turn that bigger story into a 3-Act or 4-Act structure.
Act 1
Opening: Rally for Trump-like candidate. A liberal, female reporter (Liz) is on the scene, visibly jarred. A face painted fan (Mitch) wrapped in an US flag whoops it up with his buddies.
Inciting Incident: The liberal candidate’s house is set on fire. Mitch, a fireman, escorts the guy and his family to safety. Liz interviews Mitch- she’s impressed by him.
Turning Point: They go on a date and have a wonderful time- (barely) avoiding any political talk- ending with a kiss.
Act 2:
New plan: Start dating, but keep things on the surface and fun.
Plan in action: Meet friends and family, learns that he’s a huge supporter of the Trump-like candidate. Questions relationship.
Midpoint Turning Point: They watch the chaos of election night, decide they’re too different and go their separate ways.
Act 3
Rethink everything: She becomes more committed to her liberal beliefs. He goes back to his old life.
New plan: Pour everything into her job, try to get out of this town.
Turning Point: Riots have broken out, arson is rampant. Mitch nearly dies, in hospital, while Liz gets a job offer in SF. She visits him in hospital, realizing she does indeed love him.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Should she take job or continue relationship? She takes it, then misses him. Realizes having everyone agree with your beliefs is not ideal.
Resolution: They both learn to compromise and make the relationship work. -
David’s Rom Com Project
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of knowing your characters and why they should be together.
Who is She? Liz Westbrook. A liberal reporter stuck in a blue collar town. She’s smart, ambitious and insecure, feeling life’s passing her by. She’s determined to get out of the town, sacrificing her social life.
Who is He? Mitch Kulchinsky (‘Ski’). A Trump-loving fireman who grew up in the blue collar town. A former high school jock, he has a lot of friends. He wants to settle down and start a family.
What makes them lovable? Liz: She’s a good friend, treats her co-workers well, she’s witty, honest and vulnernable. Mitch: good-natured, cracking jokes, hard working and caring, simple.
What attracts them to each other? Liz likes Mitch because he saves lives as a fireman, is good natured and kind, treats her with respect. Mitch likes Liz because she challenges him, she’s funny and ambitious.
What needs does each fulfill for the other? Mitch fulfills for Liz: a social outlet. A potential husband and father. A person to challenge her opinions/beliefs. Liz fulfills for Mitch: A need for intimacy. A potential wife and mother. Someone to broaden his horizons. -
David’s Romcom Project
What I learned from this assignment is the importance knowing- and implementing- the conventions of the genre.
Concept: Can politics divide true love? A liberal reporter and a conservative fireman fall in love despite their opposing political beliefs.
Two People Who Belong Together: These two have great chemistry, big hearts, and fulfill each others needs.
How Are They Separated: Opposing political beliefs in a turbulent election year
What Forces Them together: He saves her from a rioting mob during a political rally
Issues to be Resolved: Compromising their strident beliefs/losing their stubbornness
On Their Journey of Love: Working through their beliefs, dealing with their family and friends, and realizing they’re meant for one another.
Experience of Falling In Love: She’s head over heels when they first meet, then all the troubles, then moving away and missing him.
The Journey of Love: From meet cute to the admiration of him being a fireman to the horror of being a Trumper to figuring out if this is the right man for her.
Relationship Set-up: Meet after he saves someone’s life in a fire- she’s the reporter on site
Issues each must Resolve: Be willing to hear the other side/losing their stubbornness
Separation: She gets her dream job in SF
How will Comedy be Expressed: Through differing beliefs/lifestyles, their friends and families opinion, going to events they would never go (fish out of water). -
1. David Agnew Penn
2. How many scripts you’ve written? 30 or so
3. What you hope to get out of the class? To learn the conventions of a marketable romcom
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you? I worked as a carnie for a couple of summers, played ice hockey for UCLA and spent 6 months in Costa Rica
We look forward to working with you all! -
AGREE, in which case, you Reply to this topic and include three things at the top of the page:
1. David Agnew Penn
2. The words “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to. -
Trying to catch up on these assignments- I’m way behind…
Logline: Phillip and Brandy are interrogated for a murder
Essence: Phillip uses Brandy’s desire for status to doom her
EXT. BROADWAY THEATER – NIGHT
Marquee: GIGLI THE MUSICAL
INT. THEATER
The Ben Affleck character (Gigli, a hit man) struts across the stage toward a guy who owes him money. In a plush opera box, PHILLIP (40s), a suave Englishman and his date BRANDY (30s), a brash African-American. Behind them, an older gentleman (J.R., 60s) Phillip’s business partner.
Lights go out in the theater. Total darkness. A gun FIRES. Lights flash back on. Gigli’s killed the guy, lying on the stage. In the opera box, J.R. leans back in his chair… a bullet wound in his forehead. Blood trickles out.
MANAGER’S OFFICE, THEATER – 10 MINUTES LATER
A young, inexperienced NYPD COP (20s) interrogates Phillip and Brandy.
PHILLIP: I appreciate that you’re doing your job- I have the upmost respect for your profession- but surely you don’t believe I had anything to do with this most unfortunate tragedy. (tears well in his eyes). Julius Randolph was my business partner. My mentor. My maître d’école.
COP: Well, all I know is someone shot J.R.
BRANDY: Yo, I can vouch for his ass- for real. He didn’t do shit. And you can quote me on that. Name’s Brandy with a ‘y,’ like the hooch rich folks drink. Not with an ‘i’ like some bougie bitch.
C: Look, you were the only two there and… (to Phillip) I-I know there was bad blood between you and J.R. (proudly) I read the Post.
P: With all due respect, officer, if everyone got arrested for quote unquote ‘bad blood,’ half the country would be in chains.
B: Like us in bed last night (giggles; to cop) Shit got crazy. I wanted to film it, but…
P: She has an insatiable appetite for fame.
B: You ain’t famous, you ain’t shit. Know what I’m sayin’?
C: I-I gotta take someone in. My job’s on the line here.
P: I must warn you of the consequences of your actions, Officer Brown. As I’m sure you’re aware- being the astute reader that you are- I know important people. I assure you, the repercussions will be dire.
B: You can’t take him in. That’s my boo, yo! He’s my partner. My mentor. My (wracks brain to say ‘maître d’école’)… fuck buddy.
P: I’m not implying I’m a perfect person, by any means. Lord knows I’ve committed my share of misdeeds-
B: ‘Specially in bed. Am I right? (cackles)
P: – But first degree murder? That’s preposterous.
C: I’m gonna read you your rights… Uh…
Forgetting the Miranda, he Googles it on his phone.
B: Yo, man, l know for a fact he didn’t do it. Fact, I’d bet my momma’s life on it- and I love my momma.
P: I can vouch for that. I, tsk, unfortunately never developed that kind of relationship with my mum. Probably my fault. As I said, I’m not perfect. But I’m no murderer.
The cop can’t get on the Wifi. Frustrated, he sets down his phone.
C: Look, a big time money guy just bit the bullet. I gotta bring someone in, I mean…
P: And this someone will undoubtedly become famous.
And glimpses Brandy.
B: Whoa- famous? For real? Hey, if it gets me on the front page, cuff away, baby!
She playfully holds out her wrists.
B: My Insta gonna blow up.
C: Ah, thank you!
Grabs his handcuffs and slaps them on her wrists. Problem solved.
B: What the… I was just playin,’ yo.
P: You must understand his profession, dear. It’s incumbent upon him to elicit a suspect.
C: Yes- exactly… whatever you said.
B: Ah, man, this is some bullshit! Do something, boo!
P: Don’t worry, love. I’ll arrange the financial transaction to secure your freedom. (beat) Evening, officer. I have a second act to catch.
Tips hat and strolls out of the room.
B: That’s some fucked up shit right there… that was my bread winner, yo. Think I licked his nasty ass balls for fun?
C: Awright, c’mon. I’m taking you downtown. (blushes) Always wanted to say that.
The cop leads a handcuffed Brandy away.
THEATER.
In his opera box, Phillip watches the second act of Gigli. Checks his business account on his phone: with J.R. gone, all the millions are his. He grins devilishly while on stage, Gigli and the Jennifer Lopez character engage in a weird sex scene. Yeah, the musical’s as shitty as the movie:)
-
Logline: Phillip and Brandy are interrogated for a murder
Essence: Phillip uses Brandy’s desire for status to doom her
EXT. BROADWAY THEATER – NIGHT
Marquee: GIGLI THE MUSICAL
INT. THEATER
The Ben Affleck character (Gigli, a hit man) struts across the stage toward a guy who owes him money. In a plush opera box, PHILLIP (40s), a suave Englishman and his date BRANDY (30s), a brash African-American. Behind them, an older gentleman (J.R., 60s) Phillip’s business partner.
Lights go out in the theater. Total darkness. A gun FIRES. Lights flash back on. Gigli’s killed the guy, lying on the stage. In the opera box, J.R. leans back in his chair… a bullet wound in his forehead. Blood trickles out.
MANAGER’S OFFICE, THEATER – 10 MINUTES LATER
A young, inexperienced NYPD COP (20s) interrogates Phillip and Brandy.
PHILLIP: I appreciate that you’re doing your job- I have the upmost respect for your profession- but surely you don’t believe I had anything to do with this most unfortunate tragedy. (tears well in his eyes). Julius Randolph was my business partner. My mentor. My maître d’école.
COP: Well, all I know is someone shot J.R.
BRANDY: Yo, I can vouch for his ass- for real. He didn’t do shit. And you can quote me on that. Name’s Brandy with a ‘y,’ like the hooch rich folks drink. Not with an ‘i’ like some bougie bitch.
C: Look, you were the only two there and… (to Phillip) I-I know there was bad blood between you and J.R. (proudly) I read the Post.
P: With all due respect, officer, if everyone got arrested for quote unquote ‘bad blood,’ half the country would be in chains.
B: Like us in bed last night (giggles; to cop) Shit got crazy. I wanted to film it, but…
P: She has an insatiable appetite for fame.
B: You ain’t famous, you ain’t shit. Know what I’m sayin’?
C: I-I gotta take someone in. My job’s on the line here.
P: I must warn you of the consequences of your actions, Officer Brown. As I’m sure you’re aware- being the astute reader that you are- I know important people. I assure you, the repercussions will be dire.
B: You can’t take him in. That’s my boo, yo! He’s my partner. My mentor. My (wracks brain to say ‘maître d’école’)… fuck buddy.
P: I’m not implying I’m a perfect person, by any means. Lord knows I’ve committed my share of misdeeds-
B: ‘Specially in bed. Am I right? (cackles)
P: – But first degree murder? That’s preposterous.
C: I’m gonna read you your rights… Uh…
Forgetting the Miranda, he Googles it on his phone.
B: Yo, man, l know for a fact he didn’t do it. Fact, I’d bet my momma’s life on it- and I love my momma.
P: I can vouch for that. I, tsk, unfortunately never developed that kind of relationship with my mum. Probably my fault. As I said, I’m not perfect. But I’m no murderer.
The cop can’t get on the Wifi. Frustrated, he sets down his phone.
C: Look, a big time money guy just bit the bullet. I gotta bring someone in, I mean…
P: And this someone will undoubtedly become famous.
And glimpses Brandy.
B: Whoa- famous? For real? Hey, if it gets me on the front page, cuff away, baby!
She playfully holds out her wrists.
B: My Insta gonna blow up.
C: Ah, thank you!
Grabs his handcuffs and slaps them on her wrists. Problem solved.
B: What the… I was just playin,’ yo.
P: You must understand his profession, dear. It’s incumbent upon him to elicit a suspect.
C: Yes- exactly… whatever you said.
B: Ah, man, this is some bullshit! Do something, boo!
P: Don’t worry, love. I’ll arrange the financial transaction to secure your freedom. (beat) Evening, officer. I have a second act to catch.
Tips hat and strolls out of the room.
B: That’s some fucked up shit right there… that was my bread winner, yo. Think I licked his nasty ass balls for fun?
C: Awright, c’mon. I’m taking you downtown. (blushes) Always wanted to say that.
The cop leads a handcuffed Brandy away.
THEATER.
In his opera box, Phillip watches the second act of Gigli. Checks his business account on his phone: with J.R. gone, all the millions are his. He grins devilishly while on stage, Gigli and the Jennifer Lopez character engage in a weird sex scene. Yeah, the musical’s as shitty as the movie:)
-
David’s Interest Scene
What I learned is the necessity of maximizing the interest in every scene.
Logline: An ad man sets his boss up for a fall.
Interest Techniques Used: I tried to use as many as possible
INT. BATHROOM, AD AGENCY
JEFF, a plump ad man (30s) gazes in the mirror, wiping away tears that trickle down his cheeks. Just then, his dapper boss RICK (40s) strolls in…
Seeing Jeff, Rick stops. His face whitens. It’s fucking awkward. Head down, Rick marches into the closest stall and shuts the door.
JEFF: Hey, uh… I was gonna go and… look, I-I don’t want any bad blood between us. Okay? It’s your ad, it’s cool. They’ll be others.
RICK O.S.: I appreciate you saying that.
J: Kia’s all you, man. Take it and run.
R: I’ll shoot it up the flagpole.
J: I don’t want any credit or shout out, er… seriously.
R: Won’t forget all your hard work, that’s for sure.
He lets out a squeaky fart.
J: Great. Well, uh… glad we cleared the air (makes a face- awful stench). Honestly, I just wanna wipe my hands of this (wipes his hands) and get bustin’ on the Zales ad.
R: I’m sure it’s gonna be great. You got talent, my friend.
J: Thanks, man. Appreciate that.
Just then, an EXEC (50s) storms in, frantic-
EXEC: Seen Peterson?
R: Geez! What is this, Grand Central Station?
EXEC: Meeting in the conference room- now! (to Jeff) Sorry, execs only.
J: All good. I got a Zales ad to write.
EXEC: Hopefully it turns out better than Kia.
They both exit the bathroom.
R: Wait- what?
And flushes the toilet.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Rick gets blasted by the boss for the Kia ad. Jeff lumbers past the glass wall, sipping a coffee, a slight grin on his face.
-
David’s Reveals
What I learned from the assignment is the importance of having well structured reveals in your script.
Logline: Fenix writes a $3 million check for the Stanley Cup
COVER-UP: Victor says Fenix is a big time sports collector, so we assume he is; will pay $3 million for the Cup; see all the prized collectibles in his sports room, must be a huge fan
DEMAND: Charlie gapes at the sports room in awe. Says to Fenix, the collector: ‘Thought I was a big fan.’
REVEAL: Fenix says he loathes sports, this is his revenge on the jocks who once bullied him
-
David’s Character Relations
What I learned from this assignment is the value of having characters who create conflict with one another
EMILY: timid, low self-esteem, nurturing/sweet, nostalgic. Subtext: hidden ambition she’s squelched
DEAN ANDREWS: arrogant, highly intelligent, vengeful, moralistic. Subtext: he pushes students to help them
STEVE: charming, intelligent, roguish, pretentious. Subtext: he uses his charm and intelligent to sleep with women
BECKY: outrageous/rebellious, honest, comical, loyal. Subtext: pretends to be rebellious, but is a lawyer/loyal wife
Put the characters up against each other in pairs as I’ve done with Jack above.
With each pair, tell how their traits cause each of these states:
EMILY/DEAN ANDREWS
Rapport: They both have a fondness for the past and nurturing, though his is understated.
Conflict: He bullies her, uses intellect as a weapon. Takes advantage of her timidity and low self-esteem. She’s about family, he’s about books.
Contrast: Intelligent vs not so much, arrogance vs sweetness, accomplished vs not so much
Competition: They compete for the house, both nostalgic but in different ways
Subtext: Dean doesn’t think she deserves the house. Her hidden ambition comes out.
EMILY/STEVE
Rapport: Emily indulges Steve in his pretentous ways, admires his confidence/intellect
Contrast: Steve looks down on Emily, intellectually superior, she’s nurturing but it’s not reciprocated
Contrast: Intelligent, accomplished vs. not so much; she’s sweet vs. his pretention
Competition: affection of Lindsay, which he seems to be winning
Subtext: They’re going diff ways: she needs to do her own thing, he’s going to seduce other women
EMILY/BECKY
Rapport: they’re both loyal friends- loyal and nostalgic traits, her outrageousness plays well with Em’s timidity, Em’s sweet/nurturing ways and Becky’s comical ways is a natural fit
Contrast: Becky’s outrageouesness sometimes too much for Em’s timidity, her honesty too much for Em’s low self-esteem, Becky calls EM out on her quitting ways
Competition: Who’s more loyal friend? Who has better life?
Subtext: Switch it up; they each want what the other has
DEAN ANDREWS/STEVE
Rapport: Both intellects, successful
Contrast: Steve’s morally loose, dean’s not; Steve’s charming, dean’s not
Competition: Over who’s more intellectual; over who has more power
Subtext: Dean acts like ahole but helps; Steve feigns helping to seduce girls
DEAN ANDREWS/BECKY
Rapport: successful, smart
Contrast: Dean’s quiet, Becky’s loud
Competition: who has more power, influence
Subtext: They both have soft spots, good hearts deep inside
STEVE/BECKY
Rapport: both smart, successful
Contrast: Becky’s on surface, Steve sly; Becky’s honest, Steve full of shit
Competition: Over loyalty to Emily
Subtext: opposites, Becky loves husband, Steve cheats
-
David’s Outline Exchange #1
If anyone wants to exchange, please let me know.
Title: HEISTING THE CUP
Written By: David Agnew Penn
Email address: davidagnewpenn@gmail.com
Genre: Action-comedy
Concept: A crazed sports fan and his scheming roommate conspire to steal the Stanley Cup
-
David’s Fascinating Scene Outlines!
What I learned from this assignment is the necessity of milking every emotion out of every scene.
Changes (note: I use a template of the interest techniques for every scene I write, so there’s not too many alterations)
* Increase suspense of the cop pulling over the guys
* Adding the twist of the Rangers fan driving drunk- the cop chases him
* Adding the twist of the Rangers fan attending the party- first getting kicked out, then sneaking back in
* Increasing the emotion of Roski telling Charlie about the importance of being loved
* Twist at the end: Kate catches Charlie screaming at refs; he grins boyishly
-
David Elevates Lead Characters!
What I learned from this assignment is keeping the main thing the main thing. The story flows through the main characters and they need to be as dynamic as possible.
Changes:
1. Stronger intro to Victor, adding the pizzaz/style/flash
2. Stronger intro to Charlie, the kind of sports fan that gives them a bad name
3. Charlie’s emotional journey. Adding the wound of choosing sports over his prome date
4. Cut a few scenes that didn’t center around Charlie & Victor
-
David Solves Major Problems!
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of brainstorming key events to strengthen the script.
Changes made:
1. Use a Title: NHL Conference finals to start the script
2. Bring up Charlie’s wound during a talk with Victor
3. Show massive manhunt when reward is leaked: FBI, Canadian mounties, etc.
4. Show website crashed, so many leads
5. Hotline for tips, show idiot caller
-
David’s Outline Improvements
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of having a tighly knit, well structred outline that incorporates the main character’s traits and story lines.
Improvements:
* added Charlie’s backstory of choosing sports over girls, bailed on his prom
* added Rangers fan speeding past cop, drunk, singing Fuck Philly, which causes the cop to go after him
* added smoke bombs catching Vic’s pants on fire
* added NVG fogging up ogling hot girl
* added tags expired on Vic’s car, adding tension
* added popping trunk accidentally showing the Cup
* added Charlie’s boss telling him to grow up
-
* Sorry I’m a little late on this. If anyone wants to exchange feedback, that’d be great. I’m gonna read through all the scenes today.
LOGLINE: A newly hired political consultant joins the campaign manager to promote their candidate on a talk show.
ESSENCE: Squire uses his seductive charm to control Nanacy
INT. GREEN ROOM, TV STUDIO
NANCY (40s) paces the room, intently studying her index cards. She’s a campaign manager for a Presidential candidate.
MAN (o.s.): Cramming for the S-A-T’s?
Flustered, the cards spurt out of her hands.
N: Ah, Jesus fucking Christ!
SQUIRE (50s) ambles into the room, debonair and carefree. He’s a newly hired consultant for the same candidate.
S: Memory serves, I scored 90 points higher than you. (beat) Intelligence is the greatest aphrodisiac… as you well know. (winks)
Nancy picks up her index cards, fuming that he’s here- these two have a history. She springs to her feet.
N: Heard you got hired- God knows why- but lemme set things straight: I am the campaign manager. Capische? I call the shots, not some two-bit ‘consultant.’ Do NOT step on my toes.
S: Well, to be fair, that would be payback for Philly.
She glares at him.
S: Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t dance.
N: You know, it’s… I actually did care about you at one time. Hmph. Mea culpa.
S: Oh, we’re doing Latin now? How ’bout ‘veni, vidi, vici?’ (smirks)
N: Caeser got stabbed, so…
Cross her fingers emphatically as a young production assistant strolls in with a clipboard and headset.
PA: You guys are up.
Squire gestures grandly for Nancy to lead the way.
N: I don’t need your permission to take the lead.
And sashays toward the set. Squire admires the view of her ass.
N: Just back me up and be professional. Pretend we’re a team.
S: In bed.
N (whirls around): What?!
S: Oh, c’mon. You never read a fortune cookie? You always end it with ‘in bed.’
N: Ugh, you’re neauseating. (a beat). In bed.
And grins as she enters the set.
TV STUDIO.
Nancy and Squire take their seats next to the attractive co-hosts.
FEMALE HOST: Thank you both for being here. And congratulations, Squire, on your recent hire.
S: I look forward to working under Miss Blythe. I know she likes to be on top- call the shots- and I’m perfectly fine with that.
MALE HOST: So let’s talk about Philadelphia.
S: Whoa! Seriously? What, you heard us backstage? Wow, that’s crazy! And honestly, kind of a turn-on.
N: No, idiot. The convention.
S: Oh- right. Mea culpa. Sorry, I… what was I thinking? No one wants to hear about our sex lives.
N: Ohmigod.
MALE HOST: Uh, think we’ve gotten off topic.
FEMALE HOST: Hold on- inquiring minds… spill a lil’ tea, Squire.
S: Okay, so, there we were…
N: No! What are you doing?!
S: Answering her question. Be professional.
N: Okay, no. This is not happening.
S: … It was a dark and stormy night…
She reaches over and grabs for the mike on his suit jacket.
S: Yep, this is exactly how Philly started.
N: Can we go to commercial? Please.
She rips his mike off. He retaliates, snatching hers off her blouse. Wait- did he just cop a feel? Nancy slaps his hand. Squire feigns ignorance.
Enraged, she lunges at him- they tumble off the chair, onto the floor- the hosts leap to their feet, startled- Nancy straddles Squire, throwing haymakers at a bemused Squire. A complete and utter shit show.
S (to the hosts): Told you she likes to be on top.
Nancy punches him in the face as the screen goes BLACK.
-
Draft 1
LOGLINE: A newly hired political consultant joins the campaign manager to promote their candidate on a talk show.
ESSENCE: Squire uses his seductive charm to control Nanacy
INT. GREEN ROOM, TV STUDIO
NANCY (40s) paces the room, intently studying her index cards. She’s a campaign manager for a Presidential candidate.
MAN (o.s.): Cramming for the S-A-T’s?
Flustered, the cards spurt out of her hands.
N: Ah, Jesus fucking Christ!
SQUIRE (50s) ambles into the room, debonair and carefree. He’s a newly hired consultant for the same candidate.
S: Memory serves, I scored 90 points higher than you. (beat) Intelligence is the greatest aphrodisiac… as you well know. (winks)
Nancy picks up her index cards, fuming that he’s here- these two have a history. She springs to her feet.
N: Heard you got hired- God knows why- but lemme set things straight: I am the campaign manager. Capische? I call the shots, not some two-bit ‘consultant.’ Do NOT step on my toes.
S: Well, to be fair, that would be payback for Philly.
She glares at him.
S: Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t dance.
N: You know, it’s… I actually did care about you at one time. Hmph. Mea culpa.
S: Oh, we’re doing Latin now? How ’bout ‘veni, vidi, vici?’ (smirks)
N: Caeser got stabbed, so…
Cross her fingers emphatically as a young production assistant strolls in with a clipboard and headset.
PA: You guys are up.
Squire gestures grandly for Nancy to lead the way.
N: I don’t need your permission to take the lead.
And sashays toward the set. Squire admires the view of her ass.
N: Just back me up and be professional. Pretend we’re a team.
S: In bed.
N (whirls around): What?!
S: Oh, c’mon. You never read a fortune cookie? You always end it with ‘in bed.’
N: Ugh, you’re neauseating. (a beat). In bed.
And grins as she enters the set.
TV STUDIO.
Nancy and Squire take their seats next to the attractive co-hosts.
FEMALE HOST: Thank you both for being here. And congratulations, Squire, on your recent hire.
S: I look forward to working under Miss Blythe. I know she likes to be on top- call the shots- and I’m perfectly fine with that.
MALE HOST: So let’s talk about Philadelphia.
S: Whoa! Seriously? What, you heard us backstage? Wow, that’s crazy! And honestly, kind of a turn-on.
N: No, idiot. The convention.
S: Oh- right. Mea culpa. Sorry, I… what was I thinking? No one wants to hear about our sex lives.
N: Ohmigod.
MALE HOST: Uh, think we’ve gotten off topic.
FEMALE HOST: Hold on- inquiring minds… spill a lil’ tea, Squire.
S: Okay, so, there we were…
N: No! What are you doing?!
S: Answering her question. Be professional.
N: Okay, no. This is not happening.
S: … It was a dark and stormy night….
She reaches over and grabs for the mike on his suit jacket.
S: Yep, this is exactly how Philly started.
N: Can we go to commercial? Please.
She rips his mike off. He retaliates, snatching hers off her blouse. Wait- did he just cop a feel? Nancy slaps his hand. Squire feigns ignorance.
Enraged, she lunges at him- they tumble off the chair, onto the floor- the hosts leap to their feet, startled- Nancy straddles Squire, throwing haymakers at a bemused Squire. A complete and utter shit show.
S (to the hosts): Told you she likes to be on top.
Nancy punches him in the face as the screen goes BLACK.
-
David’s Max Interest 2
What I learned from this assignment is the value of creating as much interest as possible into every scene.
Logline: Charlie and Victor get pulled over by a cop- with the Stanley Cup in the trunk
Essence: Victor sweet talks his way out of it
Hook — Cop pulls them over for a busted taillight. The tags have expired.
Dilemma — Should Victor take off or let the cop run his license?
Predictions — Victor tells Charlie about the tags, ‘we’re fucked’
Something unseen — Cop, at first. Then maybe an RV full of drunk people cruise past, capturing cops attention. OR the Ranger fan at the club, drives back home, obviously drunk singing Roski’s ‘Fuck Philly!’ Cop pulls him over.
Mystery — Why did they get pulled over? Why didn’t Victor renew his registration? This is wheer Vic says he’s broke, comes clean to Charlie.
Creating a Future — They’re both going to jail. Victor says he’ll take the rap for the Cup.
Anticipatory Dialogue — Vic saying he’ll take rap, going to jail.
Cliffhangers — Cop about to write ticket when he sees Rangers fan, cop has dilemma- chases Rangers fan. Later we see he took a bus (we know why)
Uncomfortable Moment — get pulled over, cops comes up them, ‘know why I pulled you over?’ Vic jokes: ‘Cause I’m Black.’ His charm isn’t working.
-
David’s Challenging Situations
What I learned from the assignment is the value of increasing tension in every scene, i.e. make the situation more challenging.
Scene 1: Current Scene Logline: The guys get pulled over by the cops with the Cup in the trunk
Essence: Victor talks his way out of it
Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
A. Goal: To not have cop check trunk… the cop’s suspicious, notices eyes go to trunk, taillight’s out, checks it with Victor, cop sees disguises in backseat, skeptical, Vic mistakenly says trunk
B. Needs: to get Cup to Philly… all the obstacles above, more cops converge on the scene, helicopter, over the CB news Cup being stolen
C. Values: freedom… tags are old, Vic claims working man, cop sees disguises
D. Wound: Charlie has record… maybe cop checks background, maybe run license- Vic’s is no good, didn’t pay insurance or registration, they’re fucked
E. Physical: cop asked to see what’s under hood, accidentally opens trunk instead of hood- adds tension, burps in cop’s face, farts, sneezes- pretends he’s sick, coughs, seizure
Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. Have trunk open, tags expired, cops runs plates, add more tension
Scene 2:
Current Scene Logline: The guys steal the Stanley Cup
Essence: Using Charlie’s gameplan, the guys pull off the heist
Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
A. Goal: steal the Cup… bodyguards, NHL official, security cameras, partygoers, wait staff, manager, Roski, supermodels- all potential obstacles
B. Needs: to pull it off with a hitch… can’t find electric panel, too dark, Igor challenges Vic, waiter challenges Vic, manager challenges both, Charlie’s mustache falls off, Vic loses accent, dreadlocks,
C. Values: freedom… doors locked, trapped inside;
D. Wound: Charlie went to juvy, Victor’s a con man… Vic’s charm backfires, Igor calls him out, knows all the couriers in the city, maybe spelled name wrong or should be in Russian, it’s not
E. Physical: trips over bodies, can’t lift the Cup, cell phone goes off during heist, pulls wrong wires, smoke bomb explodes in pocket, catches on fire, night vision goggles fog up- can’t see anything, box isn’t big enough- hefts the Cup without it, drops the Cup, watches oblivious couple have sex instead pulling off heist
Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. Add complications: smoke bomb goes off in pocket, Vic’s pants catch on fire, NVG fog up looking at couple have sex, Charlie’s mustache falls off in front of manager, spelled name wrong on cardboard box, Igor knows all couriers, Vic stammers
-
David’s Story Lines
What I learned from this assignment is the value of having all your major characters fully developed and in synch with the plot. They each have their own specific journey.
Character: Charlie Sullivan
Beginning: Where does the character start? Flyers game, throwing a fit, ignorning his girlfriend
Inciting Incident: What propels them onto the journey? Roski talks shit about Philly fans
Turning Point: What twist locks them into a conflict? Steal the Stanley Cup
Midpoint: What twist changes the meaning of the conflict? He and Victor are on the run from shady thieves who want the Cup
Turning Point 2: What twist takes them to the biggest conflict? Reward’s out for their capture. They head to NYC to sell the Cup to a collector.
Dilemma: What are the two equally unacceptable choices and how are they forced to make the decision? Cash the check or return the Cup?
Major Conflict: What is the ultimate experience of their conflict? He and Victor fight, using sports equipment as weapons
Ending: How has their world changed? Returns the Cup to Roski and gets back together with his girlfriend
Character: Victor Smith
Beginning: Where does the character start? Checking out girls in the crowd, betting against the Flyers
Inciting Incident: What propels them onto the journey? Sees pissed off Charlie and wants to help steal the Cup- but only for his selfish motives
Turning Point: What twist locks them into a conflict? Helps steal the Cup
Midpoint: What twist changes the meaning of the conflict? His bank account is wiped out by a lien, calls his collector who’ll pay big bucks for the Cup
Turning Point 2: What twist takes them to the biggest conflict? Kate’s kidnapped but won’tgo back to save her
Dilemma: What are the two equally unacceptable choices and how are they forced to make the decision? Turn around or get paid
Major Conflict: What is the ultimate experience of their conflict? Fights with Charlie after the check is ripped
Ending: How has their world changed? Moves out the apartment, has a new job and girlfriend- grown up
Character: Kate
Beginning: Where does the character start? Pissed off that Charlie forgot 1 year anniversary, breaks up with him
Inciting Incident: What propels them onto the journey? Charlie forgets anniversary
Turning Point: What twist locks them into a conflict? Charlie sends pics of their first meeting, starts forgive him
Midpoint: What twist changes the meaning of the conflict? Charlie pleads his forgiveness
Turning Point 2: What twist takes them to the biggest conflict? She visits Charlie when she’s kidnapped by goons
Dilemma: What are the two equally unacceptable choices and how are they forced to make the decision? Dump Charlie or give him benefit of the doubt
Major Conflict: What is the ultimate experience of their conflict? Kate yells at Charlie for stealing the Cup
Ending: How has their world changed? Charlie says I love you to her, she gives him another chance
Character: Roski
Beginning: Where does the character start? Scoring the winning goal, flipping off Flyers fans
Inciting Incident: What propels them onto the journey? Taunts Philly fans, puts out an anti-Philly song
Turning Point: What twist locks them into a conflict? Cup is stolen from him
Midpoint: What twist changes the meaning of the conflict? Hatred poured onto him after news leaks of Cup being stolen
Turning Point 2: What twist takes them to the biggest conflict? Assaulted by angry hockey fans
Dilemma: What are the two equally unacceptable choices and how are they forced to make the decision? Accept Charlie’s forgiveness or put him in jail?
Major Conflict: What is the ultimate experience of their conflict? Charlie and he bond over fathers, have one on one in hospital
Ending: How has their world changed? Roski doesn’t report them, gives them some money
Character: Igor
Beginning: Where does the character start? Brutish bodyguard who protects Roski
Inciting Incident: What propels them onto the journey? Cup’s stolen
Turning Point: What twist locks them into a conflict? Tracks down Charlie’s address
Midpoint: What twist changes the meaning of the conflict? Kidnaps Kate
Turning Point 2: What twist takes them to the biggest conflict? Knows the guys location, chases them to NYC
Dilemma: What are the two equally unacceptable choices and how are they forced to make the decision? Call the cops on them or let it go
Major Conflict: What is the ultimate experience of their conflict? Chases them through NYC, shooting at them
Ending: How has their world changed? He takes the high road, lets them go
-
David’s Character Profiles
What I learned from this assignment is the value of having the right, fully designed characters for the story you’re telling.
A. Name: Charlie Sullivan
B. Role in the Story: Protagonist who plots to steal the Stanley Cup for his dying father
C. Core Traits: immature, loyal, stubborn, fanatical
D. Motivation: Want/Need: To please his dad/To grow up
E. Flaw/Wound: Fanatical fan who prioritizes sports over everything else/never had a serious girlfriend before
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: he truly loves Kate/To make Roski pay for bailing on Philly
G. Internal Dilemma: Should he cash in on the Stanley Cup?
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? Personified the ardent fan who puts too much emphasis on sports
***********
A. Name: Victor Smith
B. Role in the Story: Charlie’s roommate, a shady, in debt commodity broker who’s all about image
C. Core Traits: charming, manipulative, low self esteem, image conscious
D. Motivation: Want/Need: To get money/to grow up
E. Flaw/Wound: He’ll do anything to keep his image up/credit’s so bad can’t rent his own apartment
F. Secret/Hidden Agenda: His wound is his secret/To take all the money from the Cup and screw over Charlie
G. Internal Dilemma: Should he steal the Cup or let Charlie’s dad have it?
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? Victor accentuates Charlie’s flaw- his importance on sports- and challenges Charlie. They have the same arc of growing up.
A: Are there any parts of the profile that you could improve? Make Charlie’s wound more pronounced: that he went to sporting events/played video games during prom
B: Can this character fulfill their role in the story more effectively? Heap on the fact that sports ruined Charlie’s role, prevented his growth
-
David’s Full-Out Characters
What I learned from this assignment is the value of pushing characters’ traits to the extremes to create more drama.
EMILY:
DESCIPTION: A timid, middle-aged secretary goes back to school and starts a sorority
TRAITS: Timid, doting, low self-esteem, nostalgic
SUBTEXT: She has ambition, but it’s been tamped down over the years raising a duaghter and supporting her husband
NEW PROFILE: Add spiteful/vengeful to Emily’s core traits. Perhaps cunning/manipulative as her subtext.
DEAN ANDREWS:
DESCRIPTION: Strict, haughty dean of the college who values education over God Herself
TRAITS: Haughty, intellectual, stubborn, vengeful
SUBTEXT: He actually cares about people/students and pushes them to help them succeed
NEW PROFILE: Secretive/hyprocritcal as a trait. Though he preaches morality, he attends a secret sex club out of town, which will eventually be exposed.
CHRISTOPHER
DESCRIPTION: A charmingly sweet professor who takes over Steve’s job and teaches Emily
PROFILE: Charming, self-effacing, smart, loner
SUBTEXT: He plays the shy, homely professor but dates a lot of women
NEW PROFILE: Add predator to his profile, make his likeability a front to his aggressive nature with women.
-
David’s Genre Conventions
What I learned from this assignment was delivering on the expectations of your genre
Title: HEISTING THE CUP
Genre: Action-comedy
Concept: Two crazed sports fans steal the Stanley Cup
Main Conflict: Ruthless mobsters hunt down the thieves, hellbent on retrieving the Cup
Act 1:
Opening: Charlie’s beloved Flyers lose a heartbreaking playoff game. Worse, Roski, an ex-Flyer, scores the winning goal. Incongruence: Kate and Charlie
Inciting Incident: Roski talks shit about Philly fans, then puts out a rap song called ‘Fuck Philly.’
Turning Point: Charlie and his roommate Victor borrow the replica Cup from Charlie’s dad and head to NYC. Mission: get the Cup. Incongruence: pair opposites go on mission. Mechanics of comedy: Butch uses trophy as pee jug- pays off later
Act 2:
New plan: Charlie hatches a plot to steal the Cup from Roski. Victor’s his accomplice.
Plan in action: Despite bumps in the road- didn’t go as planned- they pull of the caper. Incongruence: plan didn’t go as planned
Midpoint Turning Point: Stripper that Victor invited over the night before comes back with her thug friend and try to steal the Cup. The guys flee, now on the run. Adrenaline, fast-paced action: chase through Philly, hitting cat & LOVE sculptue sign, bullet whizzing by. Demand for action: on the run from gun wielding thugs. Mission: get outta town. mechanics of comedy: stripper comes back and steals Cup
Act 3:
Rethink everything: $1 million reward’s out for the Cup. They’re now wanted men. Incongruence: from Philly to Amish country
New plan: To go to NYC where Victor knows a collector who’ll pay $3 million for the Cup/ Mechanics of comedy: Amish teen tries steal Cup
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Roski’s assaulted by hockey fans for losing the Cup. Charlie realizes that sports has messed up his life. Adrenaline, fast-paced action: Igor chases them, throw doll on street, bullet flying, car crash. Demand for action: $1 reward is out, Igor hellbent on getting Cup, Kate kidnapped. Mission: get to NYC. Escalating Action: more intense as we get to NYC, all tires flat, car crash before Lincoln Tunnel. Antagonist: Igor, the ex-KGB agent, lethal
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Charlie gets the check from the collector, but rips it up. Incongruence: Fenix hates sports, Charlie rips check, bash each other sports stuff. Mechanics of comedy: set up by hatres Roski, now they’re chummy
Resolution: Charlie returns the Cup to Roski and pleads his love to his girfriend, promising change. Mechanics of comedy: Charlie tells Kate he loves her, payoff
-
INT. POSH BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT — NIGHT
Seated at a center table, NICK (40s)- a tall, devilishly handsome head of a studio with slick-backed hair and an Armani suit- draws glances from the other impeccably dressed diners. He radiates power.
Across from him, JOHN (50s): a schlubby, A list writer who- despite his success- plays the role of a struggling scribe.
They both drink glasses of (comically) expensive wine. It’s a business meeting and they’re not seeing eye to eye.
NICK: We can get another writer. Not like you’re the only game in town, pal. Hell, I bet the wait staff here could bump heads and knock out a killer script- it’s not exactly rocket science.
JOHN (sighs): I’m not… I just want the same deal as last time. That’s not asking a lot.
NICK: In this environment, it is. It is asking a lot, John. You’re not on the business side, you don’t know. And frankly, I’m a lil’ offended. Hell, I took a chance on you when you were writing sappy shinola for Hallmark. Don’t forget where your bread’s buttered, pal.
And sips his wine, staring down John.
JOHN: Can I ask… is this what you always wanted to be growing up? Like, when you were in 5th grade, did you wanna be someone who screws other people over? Was that, like, a career goal of yours?
NICK: Look, asshole. Don’t even… know how much I give to charity? Huh? Any idea, tubby?
JOHN: Yeah, think I saw it in a press release. (Nick snorts, pissed off) Rest easy, okay? The whole world knows how swell of a guy you are.
NICK: I’m wasting my fucking time. (beat) Awright, last chance- gonna sign the contract or not?
John drinks his wine, wracking his brain…
JOHN: Fine. I’ll sign the stupid thing.
NICK: Well, thank fucking God. And fuck you for making me sweat. Asshole.
JOHN: But I need a clause put in there.
NICK: Gotta be… pressing your luck, pal.
JOHN (gestures with his hands, emphasizing each word): ‘You. Can’t. Sleep. With. My. Wife.’
NICK: What?!
JOHN: ‘Again.’
NICK: Awright, you know what? FUCK you. I don’t need this shit.
Snatches his suit jacket off the chair.
NICK: Thought you were the right man for the job. Apparently- obviously- I was wrong. And believe me, that doesn’t happen a lot. (beat) Fuck your sorry, cottage cheese ass. I’ll get Sorkin.
JOHN: Sure? His wife, I mean… she’s a 6. At best.
NICK: I don’t even know who your fucking wife is!
JOHN: You’re head of the studio. I thought you knew ‘every fucking thing.’
Nick gulps down his wine as recognition washes over him.
NICK: Wait- isn’t she some actress on some cancelled show?
JOHN: Something like that.
NICK: Birds of a feather, huh? (beat) I’ll pay for this ’cause I AM a swell fucking guy. And I don’t need a press release to know it’s true.
Stands up and slaps on his jacket.
NICK: Know what else is true? You’ll never work for the studios again. (beat) Oh, yeah. We’re a chummy bunch. And I’m the swellest of the lot- I’m E.F. fucking Hutton. When I talk, they listen.
Swaggers away. Then whirls around-
NICK: Oh, and one more truism: you know, on second thought, I think I DID fuck your wife.
Smirks at John, then struts toward the door. Fuming, John leaps from his chair, trots toward Nick, and PUNCHES him in the back of the head. Jumps on top of Nick and takes out all the aggression, beating the living shit out of him.
The other diners and wait staff don’t interfere, but happily snap pictures of the pummeling. ‘Nother night in Hollywood.
-
David’s 4 Act Structure
What I learned from this assigment is the importance of having a rock solid foundation for the story.
Title: HEISTING THE CUP
Genre: Action-comedy
Concept: Two crazed sports fans steal the Stanley Cup
Main Conflict: Ruthless mobsters hunt down the thieves, hellbent on retrieving the Cup
Act 1:
Opening: Charlie’s beloved Flyers lose a heartbreaking playoff game. Worse, Roski, an ex-Flyer, scores the winning goal.
Inciting Incident: Roski talks shit about Philly fans, then puts out a rap song called ‘Fuck Philly.’
Turning Point: Charlie and his roommate Victor borrow the replica Cup from Charlie’s dad and head to NYC
Act 2:
New plan: Charlie hatches a plot to steal the Cup from Roski. Victor’s his accomplice.
Plan in action: Despite bumps in the road- didn’t go as planned- they pull of the caper
Midpoint Turning Point: Stripper that Victor invited over the night before comes back with her thug friend and try to steal the Cup. The guys flee, now on the run.
Act 3:
Rethink everything: $1 million reward’s out for the Cup. They’re now wanted men.
New plan: To go to NYC where Victor knows a collector who’ll pay $3 million for the Cup
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: Roski’s assaulted by hockey fans for losing the Cup. Charlie realizes that sports has messed up his life.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Charlie gets the check from the collector, but rips it up.
Resolution: Charlie returns the Cup to Roski and pleads his love to his girfriend, promising change
-
INT. POSH BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT — NIGHT
Seated at a center table, NICK (40s)- a tall, devilishly handsome head of a studio with slick-backed hair and an Armani suit- draws glances from the other impeccably dressed diners. He radiates power.
Across from him, JOHN (50s): a schlubby, A list writer who- despite his success- plays the role of a struggling scribe.
They both drink glasses of comically expensive wine. It’s a business meeting and they’re not seeing eye to eye.
NICK: We can get another writer. Not like you’re the only game in town, pal. Hell, I bet the wait staff here could bump heads and knock out a killer script.
JOHN: Look, I’m not… I just want the same deal as last time. That’s not asking a lot.
NICK: In this environment, it is. It is asking a lot, John. You’re not on the business side, you don’t know. And frankly, I’m a lil’ offended. Hell, I took a chance on you when you were writing sappy shit for Hallmark. Don’t forget where your bread’s buttered, pal.
And sips his wine, staring down John.
JOHN: Can I ask you… is this what you always wanted to be growing up? Like, when you were in 5th grade, did you wanna be someone who screws other people over? Was that, like, a career goal?
NICK: Look, asshole. Don’t you- know how much I give to charity? Huh? Do you?
JOHN: Yeah, think I saw it in a press release. (Nick snorts, pissed off) Rest easy, okay? The whole world knows how swell of a guy you are.
NICK: I’m wasting my fucking time. (beat) Gonna sign the contract or what?
John drinks his wine, wracking his brain…
JOHN: Fine. I’ll sign it.
NICK: Well, thank God. And fuck you for making me sweat.
JOHN: But I need a clause put in there.
NICK: Pressing your luck, pal.
JOHN: ‘You can’t sleep with my wife’-
NICK: What?!
JOHN: ‘Again.’
NICK: Awright, you know what? Fuck you. I don’t need this shit.
Snatches his suit jacket off the chair.
NICK: Thought you were the right man for the job. Apparently- obviously- I was wrong. And believe me, that doesn’t happen a lot. (beat) Fuck your sorry ass. I’ll get Sorkin.
JOHN: Sure? His wife’s not all that.
NICK: Are you- I don’t even know who your fucking wife is!
JOHN: You’re head of the studio. I thought you knew ‘every fucking thing.’
NICK: Wait- isn’t she some actress on some cancelled show?
JOHN: Something like that.
NICK: Birds of a feather, huh? (beat) I’ll pay for this ’cause I AM a swell fucking guy. And I don’t need a press release to know it’s true.
Stands up and slaps on his jacket.
NICK: Know what else is true? You’ll never work for the studios again. Oh, yeah. We’re a chummy bunch.
Swaggers away. Then whirls around-
NICK: Oh, and one more truism: on second thought, I think I DID fuck your wife.
Smirks at John, then struts toward the door. Fuming, John leaps from his chair, trots toward Nick, and PUNCHES him in the back of the head. Jumps on top of Nick and takes out all the aggression, beating the living shit out of him.
The other diners and wait staff don’t interfere, but happily snap pictures of the pummeling. ‘Nother night in Hollywood.
-
From some (bizarre) reason I can’t open Lesson 8. I’ve contacted support but haven’t heard back yet. Can someone post the character names & traits? Thanks in advance.
-
David’s Project Pitch
What I learned from this assignment is the necessity of having a strong structure, starting with the concept and title.
Genre: Action-Comedy
Title: HEISTING THE CUP
High Concept: Two crazed sports fans steal the Stanley Cup
D. Main Conflict: Ruthless mobsters hunt down our guys, hellbent on retrieving the Cup
E. Transformational Journey: The guys reassess their lives, realizing sports aren’t that important.
F. Opposition: Mobsters. Others (stripper, Amish kid) after the reward money. Roski, the ex-Flyer who scored the winning goal- Charlie’s arch enemy.
-
1. David Agnew Penn
2. 30+
3. Improve my craft
4. Spent 6 months in Costa Rica and 1 day with Sean Penn
-
David Agnew Penn
I agree to the following terms:
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
-
Sorry, I re-posted in the appropriate place.
-
EXT. YACHT, LAKE MEAD, NEVADA — NIGHT
The enormous boat’s docked in a cove; craggy mountains stretch behind it, providing a postcard setting. The yacht’s packed with frat boys and sorority girls, livin’ la vida loca. An overworked, underappreciated bartender feverishly pours drinks.
Seated in chairs on the deck, TRENT and ROBERT competitively flirt with a beautiful BLONDE, sporting a sexy summer dress. Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth. All three swig cocktails, adding to their debauched state of drunkenness.
BLONDE: God, can’t believe it’s only six weeks away. I’m literally having panic attacks… so what’s the g-p after walkin’ the proverbial plank?
TRENT. Business school. Then, ya know, Master of the Universe. First mil by 30, bil by 40.
Picks lint off his suit jacket as Robert sips his rum & coke.
BLONDE: Enterprising. Bachelor numero dos?
ROBERT: What, like a profession? (the girl nods) Oh, only the most important job in the world…
Trent snorts loudly. The others gawk at him. Trent sips his drink.
BLONDE: Care to elaborate, B-2?
ROBERT: Let’s just say I’m more about leaving a mark than, ya know, carbon footprints (Trent rolls his eyes). I think it’s all about giving back. Ya know? What you contribute to society.
BLONDE: Hmm. Impressive.
TRENT: Nah, fuck that. Know what’s impressive? Flyin’ to Ibiza in your Lear jet for the weekend- just because you can.
BLONDE: Well, damn. Wouldn’t turn that down.
Trent smirks at Robert, gaining the upper hand. Robert slouches his head.
ROBERT: Yeah, who am I kidding? All my idealism? Hmph. Prob’ly be out on the street, begging for change… but I’ll have really cool signs, though- like, super creative. You’d cough up money, believe me.
The blonde smiles. Trent slugs down his drink.
TRENT (to blonde): Looks like you need a refill, darling.
BLONDE: Black cherry, por favor.
And polishes off her White Claw. Trent rises to his feet, straightening out his jacket. We glimpse a tag still on it; no doubt Trent plans on returning it after the soiree. Trent fiddles with his iPhone, then checks his pockets… a horrid look paints his face.
TRENT: Ah, shit. Musta left my… (to Robert) hook me up, bro. C’mon.
ROBERT: Maybe you’re the one who’ll be beggin’ for change. Won’t have as good a sign as me, though, promise.
Trent glares daggers at Robert as he fishes a crumpled twenty out of his pocket. Hands it to Trent, who immediately smooths it out.
ROBERT (to the blonde): See? Givin’ back already. It’s what I do.
Trent sets his iPhone on his chair, slaps in his AirPods and struts away. When he’s out of earshot-
ROBERT: Is it me or do ya think ‘Masters of the Universe’ should be able to buy their own drinks?
The blonde titters. Robert leans in, secretive. On the chair, we see that the iPhone is recording.
ROBERT: Can I tell you a secret?
Trent’s at the bar. AirPods in his ears, he can hear the conversation.
ROBERT: Don’t tell anyone, but… that dude ain’t got a pot to piss in.
BLONDE: Really?
ROBERT: Why anyone would piss in a pot, I don’t… like, why wouldn’t ya just go in the grass? I mean, why waste a perfectly good pot? (the blonde grins). It’s kinda sad, actually. His dad’s doin’ time.
BLONDE: Whoa! Seriously?
At the bar, Trent fumes as he gets his drinks.
ROBERT: Yeah, some money laundering thing… I dunno, a get-quick-rich scheme that went bad… the proverbial apple and the tree, huh?
BLONDE: ‘Proverbial?’ Stealin’ my words?
ROBERT: Well, you stole my heart- it’s only fair.
BLONDE: Ugh, want some vino with that cheese?
ROBERT: Hey, wanna get outta here, check out that trail? Looks kinda dope.
BLONDE: Uh, kinda waitin’ for my… ooh, there it is!
Trent swaggers over with his drink and a White Clam.
ROBERT: Ah, speak of the devil. Literally.
BLONDE (re: literally): Ugh, there ya go again- thief!
Trent suavely cracks open the Clam, hands it to the blonde.
TRENT: Here ya go, sweetheart. (to Robert) Oh, hey- ran into Bowker at the bar. Wants a quick meeting, bros only. C’mon.
Against his will, Robert rises to his feet.
Trent (to the blonde): Be right back, darling. Don’t go leavin’ now.
Robert: (to the blonde) Yeah, seriously. My heart would literally break.
Robert follows Trent toward the hull of the yacht… the blonde eyes them, put off by their neediness… just then, a DAPPER GUY sashays over to her, radiating confidence.
DAPPER GUY: Everything okay?
BLONDE: I guess.
DAPPER GUY: Dave Bowker. Nice to meet you.
And shakes hands with the smitten blonde. Suddenly, the boat lists sharply to the left. Whoa! The girl leaps from her chair before it topples over. In the b.g., muted sounds of a bare-knuckled brawl inside the hull.
DAPPER GUY: Let’s talk a walk.
BLONDE: Sure.
And off they go, towards the mountain… seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it. He treks toward the blonde, but she’s gone. In the distance, we see her and Bowker hiking up the trail, talking and laughing.
Trent sighs, guzzling his drink. Glances around for his next target… Robert staggers out of the hull, bruised and battered, searching for the girl… seeing her with Bowker, he groans and tramps to the bar. Bested, once again.
-
EXT. YACHT, LAKE MEAD, NEVADA — NIGHT
The enormous boat’s docked in a cove; craggy mountains stretch behind it, providing a postcard setting. The yacht’s packed with frat boys and sorority girls, livin’ la vida loca. An overworked, underappreciated bartender feverishly pours drinks.
Seated in chairs on the deck, TRENT and ROBERT competitively flirt with a beautiful BLONDE, sporting a sexy summer dress. Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth. All three drink cocktails, adding to their debauched state of drunkenness.
BLONDE: God, can’t believe it’s only six weeks away. I’m literally having panic attacks… so what’s the g-p after walkin’ the proverbial plank?
TRENT. Business school. Then, ya know, Master of the Universe. First mil by 30, bil by 40.
Picks lint off his suit jacket as Robert sips his rum & coke.
BLONDE: Enterprising. Bachelor numero dos?
ROBERT: What, like a profession? (the girl nods) Oh, only the most important job in the world…
Trent snorts loudly. The others gawk at him. Trent swigs his drink.
BLONDE: Care to elaborate, B-2?
ROBERT: Let’s just say I’m more about leaving a mark than, ya know, carbon footprints (Trent rolls his eyes). I think it’s all about giving back. Ya know? What you contribute to society.
BLONDE: Hmm. Impressive.
TRENT: Nah, fuck that. Know what’s impressive? Flyin’ to Ibiza in your Lear jet for the weekend- just because you can.
BLONDE: Well, damn. Wouldn’t turn that down.
Trent smirks at Robert, gaining the upper hand. Robert slouches his head.
ROBERT: Yeah, who am I kidding? All my idealism? Prob’ly be out on the street, begging for change… but I’ll have really cool signs, though- like, super creative. You’d cough up money, believe me.
The blonde smiles. Trent slugs down his drink.
TRENT (to blonde): Looks like you need a refill, darling.
BLONDE: Black cherry, por favor.
And polishes off her White Claw. Trent rises to his feet, straightening out his jacket. We glimpse a tag still on it; no doubt Trent plans on returning it after the soiree. Trent fiddles with his iPhone, then checks his pockets… a horrid look paints his face.
TRENT: Ah, shit. Musta left my… (to Robert) hook me up, bro. C’mon.
ROBERT: Maybe you’re the one who’ll be beggin’ for change. Won’t have as good a sign as me, though, promise.
Trent glares daggers at Robert as he fishes a crumpled twenty out of his pocket. Hands it to Trent, who immediately smooths it out.
ROBERT (to the blonde): See? Givin’ back already. It’s what I do.
Trent sets his iPhone on his chair, slaps in his AirPods and struts away. When he’s out of earshot-
ROBERT: Is it me or do ya think ‘Masters of the Universe’ should be able to buy their own drinks?
The blonde titters. Robert leans in, secretive. On the chair, we see that the iPhone is recording.
ROBERT: Can I tell you a secret?
Trent’s at the bar. AirPods in his ears, he can hear the conversation.
ROBERT: Don’t tell anyone, but… that dude ain’t got a pot to piss in.
BLONDE: Really?
ROBERT: Why anyone would piss in a pot, I don’t… like, why wouldn’t ya just go in the grass? I mean, why waste a good pot? (the blonde titters). It’s kinda sad, actually. His dad’s doin’ time.
BLONDE: Whoa! Seriously?
At the bar, Trent fumes as he gets his drinks.
ROBERT: Yeah, some money laundering thing… I dunno, a get-quick-rich scheme that went bad… the proverbial apple and the tree, huh?
BLONDE: ‘Proverbial?’ You stealin’ my words?
ROBERT: Well, you stole my heart- it’s only fair.
BLONDE: Ugh, want some vino with that cheese?
ROBERT: Hey, wanna get outta here, check out that trail? Looks kinda dope.
BLONDE: Uh, kinda waitin’ for my… ooh, there it is!
Trent swaggers over with his drink and a White Clam.
ROBERT: Ah, speak of the devil. Literally.
BLONDE (re: literally): Ugh, there ya go again- thief!
Trent suavely cracks open the Clam, hands it to the blonde.
TRENT: Here ya go, darling. (to Robert) Oh, hey- ran into Bowker at the bar. Wants a quick meeting, bros only. C’mon.
Against his will, Robert rises to his feet.
Trent (to the blonde): Be right back, darling. Don’t go leavin’ me now.
Robert: (to the blonde) Yeah, seriously. My heart would literally break.
Robert follows Trent toward the hull of the yacht… the blonde eyes them, put off by their neediness… just then, a DAPPER GUY sashays over to her, radiating confidence.
DAPPER GUY: Everything okay?
BLONDE: I guess.
DAPPER GUY: Dave Bowker. Nice to meet you.
And shakes hands with the smitten blonde. In the b.g, we hear the muted sounds of a fight inside the hull…. seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it.
He treks toward the blonde, but she’s gone. In the distance, we see her and Bowker hiking up the trail, talking and laughing.
Trent sighs, guzzling his drink. Looks around for his next target… Robert staggers out of the hull, bruised and battered, searching for the girl… seeing her with Bowker, he sighs and tramps to the bar. Bested, once again.
-
PASS #2
EXT. YACHT, LAKE MEAD, NEVADA — NIGHT
The enormous boat’s docked in a cove; craggy mountains stretch behind it, providing a postcard setting. The yacht’s packed with frat boys and sorority girls, livin’ la vida loca. An overworked, underappreciated bartender feverishly pours drinks.
Seated in chairs on the deck, TRENT and ROBERT competitively flirt with a beautiful BLONDE, sporting a sexy summer dress. Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth. All three drink cocktails, adding to their debauched state of drunkenness.
BLONDE: God, can’t believe it’s only six weeks away. I’m literally having panic attacks… so what’s the g-p after walkin’ the proverbial plank?
TRENT. Business school. Then, ya know, Master of the Universe. First mil by 30, bil by 40.
Picks lint off his suit jacket as Robert sips his rum & coke.
BLONDE: Enterprising. Bachelor number two?
ROBERT: What, like a profession? (the girl nods) Oh, only the most important job in the world…
Trent snorts loudly. The others gawk at him. Trent swigs his drink.
BLONDE: Care to elaborate, B-2?
ROBERT: Let’s just say I’m more about leaving a mark than, ya know, carbon footprints (Trent rolls his eyes). I think it’s all about giving back. Ya know? What you contribute to society.
BLONDE: Hmm. Impressive.
TRENT: No, ya know what’s impressive? Flying to Ibiza in your Lear jet for the weekend- just because you can.
BLONDE: Wouldn’t turn that down.
Trent smirks at Robert, gaining the upper hand. Robert slouches his head.
ROBERT: Yeah, who am I kidding? All my idealism. Prob’ly be out on the street, begging for change… but I’ll have really cool signs, though- like, super creative. You’d cough up money, believe me.
The blonde smiles. Trent slugs down his drink.
TRENT (to blonde): Looks like you need a refill, darling.
BLONDE: Black cherry, por favor.
And gulps down her White Claw. Trent rises to his feet, straightening out his jacket. We glimpse a tag still on it; no doubt Trent plans on returning it after the soiree. Trent fiddles with his iPhone, then checks his pockets… a horrid look paints his face.
TRENT: Ah, shit. Musta left my… (to Robert) hook me up, bro. C’mon.
ROBERT: Maybe you’re the one who’ll be beggin’ for change. Won’t have as good a sign as me, though, promise.
Trent glares daggers at Robert as he fishes a crumpled twenty out of his pocket. Hands it to Trent, who immediately smooths it out.
ROBERT (to the blonde): See? Givin’ back already. It’s what I do.
Trent sets his iPhone on his chair, slaps in his AirPods and struts away. When he’s out of earshot-
ROBERT: Is it me or do ya think ‘Masters of the Universe’ should be able to buy their own drinks?
The blonde titters. Robert leans in, secretive. On the chair, we see that the iPhone is recording.
ROBERT: Can I tell you a secret?
Trent’s at the bar. AirPods in his ears, he can hear the conversation.
ROBERT: Don’t tell anyone, but… that dude ain’t got a pot to piss in.
BLONDE: Really?
ROBERT: Why anyone would piss in a pot, I don’t… like, why wouldn’t ya just go in the grass? I mean, why waste a good pot? (the blonde titters). It’s kinda sad, actually. His dad’s doin’ time.
BLONDE: Whoa! Seriously?
At the bar, Trent fumes as he gets his drinks.
ROBERT: Yeah, some money laundering thing… I dunno, a get-quick-rich scheme that went bad… the proverbial apple and the tree, huh?
BLONDE: ‘Proverbial?’ You stealin’ my words?
ROBERT: Well, you stole my heart- it’s only fair.
BLONDE: Ugh, want some wine with that cheese?
ROBERT: Hey, wanna get outta here, check out that trail? Looks kinda dope.
BLONDE: Uh, kinda waitin’ for my… ooh, there it is!
Trent swaggers over with his drink and a White Clam.
ROBERT: Ah, speak of the devil. Literally.
BLONDE (re: literally): Ugh, there ya go again- thief.
Trent suavely cracks open the Clam, hands it to the blonde.
TRENT: Here ya go, darling. (to Robert) Oh, hey- ran into Bowker at the bar. Wants a quick meeting, bros only. C’mon.
Against his will, Robert rises to his feet.
Trent (to the blonde): Be right back, darling. Don’t you dare leave.
Robert: (to the blonde) Yeah, seriously. My heart would literally break.
Robert follows Trent toward the hull of the yacht… the blonde eyes them, put off by their neediness… just then, a DAPPER GUY sashays over to her, radiating confidence.
DAPPER GUY: Everything okay?
BLONDE: I guess.
DAPPER GUY: Dave Bowker. Nice to meet you.
And shakes hands with the smitten blonde. In the b.g, we hear the muted sounds of a fight inside the hull…. seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it.
He treks toward the blonde, but she’s gone. In the distance, we see her and Bowker hiking up the trail, talking and laughing.
Trent sighs, gulping down his drink. Looks around for his next target… Robert staggers out of the hull, bruised and battered, searching for the girl… seeing her with Bowker, he sighs and tramps to the bar. Defeated, once again.
-
EXT. YACHT, LAKE MEAD, NEVADA — NIGHT
The gigantic boat’s docked in a cove; craggy mountains stretch behind it. A zillion stars speckle the desert sky. Moonlights dances on the still water.
The yacht’s packed with frat boys and sorority girls, livin’ la vida loca. Ah, it’s good to be young and on spring break. An overworked bartender feverishly pours drinks.
Seated in chairs on the deck, TRENT and ROBERT competitively flirt with a beautiful BLONDE, sporting a sexy summer dress. Trent dons a $5,000 designer suit, flaunting his (alleged) wealth. All three swig cocktails, adding to their already debauched state of drunkenness.
Blonde: So… what’s the g-p after walking the ol’ plank?
Trent: Business school. Then, ya know, Master of the Universe. Figure a mil by 30, bil by 40.
Picks lint off his suit jacket as Robert sips his rum & coke, staying conspicuously silent.
Blonde: Bachelor number two?
Robert: Oh, only the most important job in the world…
Trent snorts. Robert and the blonde shoot him a glance.
Trent: Oh, shit. Was that out loud?
Robert: Let’s just say I’m more about leaving a mark, ya know, than carbon footprints. (Trent rolls his eyes). I think it’s all about giving back. Ya know? What you can do for others… I think at the end of your life, it’s not how many toys you have- no matter how shiny- but how much you contributed to society.
Blonde: Mmm, that’s sweet.
Robert: Funny you, uh… that’s actually my middle name. Yep, Robert ‘Sweet’ Jones.
The blonde titters as Trent fumes, guzzling his drink.
Robert (to blonde): You’re cute when you laugh. Ya know, my friends say I move too fast, but… will you marry me?
She cackles, making Trent more uneasy. He’s losing the battle for the girl.
Robert: Oops, sorry- meant to ask: ‘need another drink?’
Trent: I need like 10 to wash out all that BS. (to blonde) Hope you ain’t buying any a’ that- smart girl like you.
Stands up, fiddling with his iPhone. The blonde shakes her empty can of White Clam.
Blonde: Blackberry, por favor.
Trent pats his pockets. A shocked look paints his face.
Trent: Ah, shit. Left my wallet in the… (to Robert) Hook me up, bro. You know I’m good for it.
Robert sighs. Hands him a crumpled twenty. Trent smooths it out.
Robert: (to blonde): See? What I tell ya? Givin’ back already. That’s what I do.
Trent leaves his phone on the chair, slaps on his AirPods and struts to the bar. When he’s out of earshot-
Robert: Is it just me or do you think ‘Masters of the Universe’ should be able to afford their own drinks?
The blonde smiles. Robert leans in, secretive. On the chair, we see the iPhone is recording.
Robert: Can I tell you something?
Trent’s at the bar. AirPods in his ears, he can hear their conversation.
Robert: Don’t tell anyone, but… that dude ain’t got a pot to piss in.
Blonde: What?
Robert: Why anyone would piss in a pot, I don’t… it’s kinda sad, actually. His dad’s doin’ time.
Blonde: Whoa! Seriously?
Robert: Yeah, money laundering, er… I dunno, a get-quick-rich scheme that went bad… apple and the tree, huh?
Blonde: Huh.
Robert: Hey, whaddya say we get outta here, talk a walk? Kinda wanna check out that trail, looks dope.
Blonde: Uh, kinda waitin’ for my… ooh! There it is.
Trent swaggers over with his drink and a White Clam.
Robert: Ah, speak of the devil. Literally.
Trent hands the blonde the Clam.
Trent: Here ya go, darling. (to Robert) Hey, I just ran into Bowker- wants a quick meeting, bros only. C’mon.
Against his will, Robert rises to his feet.
Trent (to the blonde): Be right back, darling.
Robert: (to the blonde) Don’t leave, okay?
He follows Trent into the hull of the yacht… all alone, the blonde sips her drink… just then, a DAPPER GUY sashays over to her.
Dapper guy: Everything okay?
Blonde: Yeah. Fine.
Dapper guy: Dave Bowker. Nice to meet you.
Shakes the blonde’s hand. In the b.g., we hear the rumble and tumble of a fight. Seconds later, Trent marches onto the deck, straightening his jacket. Checks to make sure there’s no stains on it; we see a tag on the jacket. No doubt Trent plans on returning it after the yacht party.
He treks toward the blonde, but she’s gone. In the distance, we see her and Bowker hiking up the trail. Trent sighs, gulping down his drink. Robert staggers out of the bathroom, bruised and battered, searching for the girl.
-
David’s Max Interest Part 1
What I learned that is improving my writing is squeezing every ounce of interest out of each scene.
LOGLINE: The guys get pulled over by a cop- the Stanley Cup’s in the trunk
ESSENCE: Victor tries to con Charlie in letting him take the Cup back to Roski (where Victor will sell it to his collector client)
Suspense. We see they pass cop- they don’t see him
Major twist. Cop pulls them over, then lets them go when get other call
Surprise. Cop suspicious, then plays along
Put in a More Interesting Setting. Gas station, fast food joint, In front Jersey stadium where Devils play, hardcore Jersey cop with Devils pin, Prudential Center.
Mislead / Reveal. We think they’re free, then not. We think they’re fucked, then not
Character changes radically. Cop becomes friendly
Betrayal. Victor feels C betraying him
Superior Position / Dramatic Irony. See the cop. The strip club got them off.
Uncertainty — hope / fear. They don’t get arrested/they do
Intrigue. Car almost fucks them over. Sees PA plates.
I implemented suspense and setting into the scene, adding more tension.
-
David Profiles People
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of having specific- and often extreme- traits for each character in your story.
DAN: Charming, empathetic, manipulative, obsessive
Interacting with Dan, I definitely saw all the traits above except manipulation- though I’ve seen this in the past.
BRETT: Amiable, Loyal, cunning, rageful
Brett did not show his negative attributes; they come out when he’s drunk and it was an afternoon when we spoke- and he sounded sober.
NEIL: intelligent, confident, pompous, deceitful, vengeful
I could not speak with Neil, though these traits are rock solid and could be verified upon a casual meeting with him.
-
David Agnew Penn
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
-
Hello fellow writers…
1. David Agnew Penn
2. Somewhere north of 30
3. Improve my craft
4. I worked a summer job as a traveling carnie (egads!), sold newspapers door-to-door during the LA riots (had to hide out till the van picked me up), and spent 6 months in Costa Rica (pura vida:)
-
David Finds the Essence
What I learned is the importance of finding the essence in every scene and building around that essence in a creative way.
Script I choose: Stand by Me
Scene 1 Location: INT. TREEHOUSE
Logline: Vern tells his buddies about a dead kid’s body
Essence: This sets the boys off on their adventure
Scene 2 Location: INT. DENNY’S ROOM
Logline: Gordie searches his dead brother’s room for a canteen
Essence: Gordie misses his brother- a big part of his life is gone
Scene 3 Location: EXT. RAILROAD TRACKS
Logline: Chris pulls Teddy off the tracks before Teddy can dodge the train
Essence: Chris is a protector
Scene 4 Location: INT. DINNER TABLE
Logline: The dad talks about Denny’s football game, but Denny talks up Gordie’s writing, infuriating his dad
Essence: The dad doesn’t care about Gordie and his pursuits
Scene 5 Location: EXT. CAMPFIRE
Logline: Gordie tells a story he made up to his friends
Essence: Gordie’s a gifted writer
My selection for most profound essence: (Post scene here without worrying about formatting and then also post the essence and why you believe that is the essence).
EXT. CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Gordie moans and thrashes in his bedroll. A hand reaches in and shakes him awake. Gordie opens his eyes and finds Chris staring down at him.
CHRIS
(whispers)
Are you okay?
GORDIE
Huh?
CHRIS
You were dreaming.
GORDIE
Oh…
(he sits up)
I didn’t cry at Denny’s funeral.
(pause)
I miss him, Chris. I miss him.
CHRIS
I know ..•
(a beat)
Go back to sleep.
Chris stands up and walks back to his guard post by the fire. Gordie raises up on one elbow and watches him go. After a beat he gets up, crosses over, and sits down next to Chris. After a long pause:
GORDIE
Maybe you could go into the college courses with me.
CHRIS
That’ll be the day.
GORDIE
Why not? You’re smart enough.
CHRIS
They won’t let me.
GORDIE
What do you mean?
CHRIS
(after thinking about it)
It’s the way people think of my family in this town. It’s the way
they think of me. I’m’ just one of those low-life Chambers’ kids •.
GORDIE
That’s not true .
CHRIS
It is. Nobody even asked me if I took the milk money that time. I just got a three-day vacation.
GORDIE
Did you take it?
CHRIS
Yeah. Yeah, I took it. You knew I took it.
(points to Vern and Teddy)
Teddy knew. Everybody knew. Even Vern knew, I think.
Gordie opens his mouth and closes it.
NARRATOR (V. O • )
He was right. No matter what I might have said to my parents, I
had known.
CHRIS
But maybe I was sorry and tried to give it back.
GORDIE
You tried to give it back?!
CHRIS
Maybe. Just maybe. And maybe I took it to old lady Simons and
told her, and maybe the money was all there, but I got a three-day
vacation anyway, because the money never showed up. And maybe the next week old lady Simons had this brand-new skirt on when she came to school.
GORDIE
Yeah, it was sorta brown with dots all over it.
CHRIS
So just say that I stole the .milk money, but then old lady Simons
stole it from me. Just suppose I told that story. Me, Chris Chambers. Kid brother of Eyeball Chambers. You think anybody would have believed it?
GORDIE
No way. Jesus Christ!
CHRIS
And do you think that bitch would have dared ‘.try something like that if it had been one of those dootchbags from up on The View
that had taken the money?
GORDIE
No .
CHRIS
But with me… well, maybe she had her eye on that skirt for a long
time. Anyway, she saw her chance and she took it. I was the stupid
one for even trying to give that money back. But I never thought… I never thought that a teacher. . . oh, who gives a fuck anyway? I just wish I could go someplace where nobody knows me.
Chris swipes an arm angrily across his eyes and we realize he is crying. Gordie pats him consolingly on the back.
CHRIS
{continuing)
I guess I’m just a pussy, huh?
GORDIE
No way, man.
· I believe the essence of this scene is that these two kids from different backgrounds are true friends- for life. They encourage one another, support one another. Gordie encourages Chris to take college courses (which he will) and earlier Chris encourages Gordie to be a writer (which he will). This scene also sets up the ending- and the opening scene narration- where Chris does a good deed and gets punished for it.
-
David’s Query Letter Draft 1
Hi (exec),
I’m a produced writer with an action-comedy called HEISTING THE CUP that asks the question: what if a crazed sports nut stole the Stanley Cup?
Charlie’s beloved Flyers are on the verge of capturing the Stanley Cup when Roski, an ex-Flyer, scores the winning goal. Charlie’s so distraught, he forgets his one year anniversary with Kate. She breaks up with him, tired of Charlie choosing sports over her. What’s more, his dad- a former NHL player- is in desperate need of a surgery he can’t afford. His dying wish is to hold the Stanley Cup, just once. After Roski blasts Philly fans, Charlie hatches a plot that his swindling roommate Victor eagerly supports…
They’re going to steal the Stanley Cup!
And sure enough, they swipe it from an unsuspecting Roski at a nightclub. But his bodyguards- Russian mafia members- track down Charlie’s address. Charlie and Victor flee as a $1 million reward’s offered for the stolen Cup. Victor knows a sports collector who’ll pay $3 million. So the guys race to NYC as Roski’s bodyguards chase them, guns blazing. Meanwhile, Roski’s assaulted in Central Park for losing the fabled Cup. When the collector hands him a $3 million check, Charlie faces the biggest dilemma of his life:
Cash the check or return the Cup?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: David is a produced, multi-optioned writer who has been hired for several assignments, including one recently by Oakhurst Entertainment. Born and raised near Philly- and having played ice hockey for UCLA, his alma mater- David has intimate knowledge of the fanaticism (read: craziness) of Flyers fans.
-
David’s Targeted Market
What I learned from this assignment is the value of precise targeting practices.
Using the parameters: Comedy, $10 million budget +, and released movies in the last 5 years, there were 203 matches. Of these, the most similar movies to mine were: GAME NIGHT, TAG, HUSTLERS KNIVES OUT, THE HUSTLE, SUPER TROOPERS 2, GAME OVER, MAN!, STUBER, BULLET TRAIN, GLASS ONION, CHARLIE’S ANGELS, THE GENTLEMEN, THE MAN FROM TORONTO
-
David’s Phone Pitch
What I learned is the necessity of being concise and leading with your best.
Phone pitch: Hi, my name is David Penn. I’m a produced writer with an action-comedy about a sports fan pulling off the ultimate heist… stealing the Stanley Cup.
What’s the budget range? $5-10 million
Who do you see in the main roles? Charlie Day, Kevin Hart
How many pages is the script? 95
Who else has seen this?Why do you think this fits our company?How does the movie end? I’m just starting to send the script out; it’s a perfect fit for your company; the crazed sports fan realizes his messed up priorities in life, so he gives back the Cup and tries to get back with his girlfriend.
</div>
-
David’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of leading with hooks and being concise.
Hi, I’m ___________ and I’m a produced screenwriter. Today, I have an Action-Comedy called HEISTING THE CUP (Light pause). It’s about a crazed sports nut who steals the Stanley Cup, only to be hunted down by Russian mobsters.
What is the budget range? $10 million plus
What actors do you like for the lead roles? Charlie Day, Kevin Hart
Give me the acts of the story. Act One: Seeking revenge after a heart-wrenching loss, Charlie, a crazed sports fan, teams with his swindling roommate Victor to steal the Stanley Cup. Act Two: After stealing the Cup from Roski, a former player of Charlie’s beloved team, Roski’s bodyguards- Russian mobsters- track down Charlie’s address. Charlie and Victor flee when the news of the stolen Cup leaks: and a $1 reward is offered for its return. Act Three: Victor has a way out: a sports collector who’ll pay $3 million for the Cup. The guys race to NYC to meet him- with the Russian mobsters chasing them, guns a-blazing. Meanwhile, Roski’s assaulted for losing the Cup and is hospitalized. Act Four: Charlie and Victor escape the mobsters and meet the sports collector. Knowing Roski’s in the hospital and the future of the Cup is in his hands, Charlie must decide if he should cash in or return it.
How does it end? (setup / payoff). Despite his utter hatred of Roski and Rangers fans, Charlie realizes his fanaticism has affected his life. So he does the right thing and returns the Cup.
Credibility questions What have you done? Hired to write ZOMBIE KILLERS, a produced movie with Billy Zane and Mischa Barton. Recently hired by Oakhurst Entertainment to adapt the book THE ULTIMATE PONZI into a feature film. I’ve also optioned three scripts.
-
David’s Query Letter
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of leading with your most marketable hook and keeping it short and sweet.
What if crazed sports nut stole the Stanley Cup?
Charlie’s beloved Flyers are on the verge of capturing the Stanley Cup when Roski, an ex-Flyer, scores the winning goal. Charlie’s so devastated he forgets his one year anniversary with Kate. She breaks up with him, tired of him choosing sports over her. What’s more, his dad- a former hockey player- is in desperate need of a surgery he can’t afford. His dying wish is to hold the Stanley Cup, just once. After Roski blasts Philly fans on TV, a vengeful Charlie hatches a plot that his swindling roommate Victor readily supports.
They’re going to steal the Stanley Cup!
And sure enough, they swipe it from an unsuspecting Roski at a nightclub. But his bodyguards- Russian mafia members- track down Charlie’s address. Charlie and Victor flee as a $1 million reward’s offered for the stolen Cup. Victor knows a sports collector who’ll pay $3 million for it. So the guys race to NYC as Roski’s bodyguards chase after them, guns blazing. Meanwhile, Roski’s assaulted in Central Park for losing the fabled Cup. When the collector hands him a $3 million check, Charlie faces the biggest dilemma of his life:
Cash the check or return the Cup?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
BIO: David is a produced, multi-optioned writer who has been hired for several assignments. Born and raised outside of Philly- and having played ice hockey for UCLA, his alma mater- David has intimate knowledge of the fanaticism of Flyers fans.
David Agnew Penn
310-908-9726
-
David’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learned from doing this assignment is the value of marketing your script in a concise, effective manner using your main hook.
1. To find your main hook, give us what is most unique about your lead character’s journey from a big picture perspective. A sports crazed fan steals the Stanley Cup, only to realize he’s living a shiftless life.
2. How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible? Seeking revenge after a heart-wrenching loss, a sports crazed fan attempts to pull off an epic heist: steal the Stanley Cup… What if a sports crazed fan stole the Stanley Cup?
<div>
3. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch? Seeking revenge after a heart-wrenching loss, a sports crazed fan steals the Stanley Cup, only to discover he’s living an aimless less.
</div>
-
David’s Synopsis/Hooks
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of having hooks in your pitch- and utilizing them to your advantage.
Charlie’s beloved Flyers are on the verge of capturing a long awaited Stanley Cup… then disaster strikes.
Roski, an ex-Flyer, scores the tying, then winning goal. Charlie’s so devastated he forgets his one year anniversary with Kate. She breaks up with him, tired of him choosing sports over her. What’s more, his dad- a former hockey player- is in desperate need of a surgery he can’t afford. His dying wish is to hold the Stanley Cup, just once. After Roski blasts Philly fans on TV, a vengeful Charlie hatches a plot that his swindling roommate Victor readily champions…
They’re going to steal the Stanley Cup!
And they pull it off, swiping it from an unsuspecting Roski at a nightclub. But his bodyguards- Russian mafia members- track down Charlie’s address, hellbent on retrieving the Cup. Charlie and Victor flee as a $1 million reward’s offered for the stolen Cup. Victor knows a sports collector who’ll pay $3 million for the Cup. The guys race to NYC while Roski’s bodyguards chase after them, guns blazing. Meanwhile, Roski’s assaulted in Central Park for losing the fabled Cup. Dashing towards the collector’s office, Charlie sees all the Rangers fans waiting for the victory parade: they adore their team like he does. When the collector hands him a $3 million check, Charlie faces the biggest dilemma of his life:
Should he cash it or return the Cup?
-
David’s 10 Most Interesting Things
1. Go through your project and see which of these specific hooks you have:
A. What is most unique about your villain and hero? Sports crazed fan who chooses a team over his girlfriend. A swindling broker who’s all about image. Russian mobster/bodyguard who’ll do anything to protect his client.
B. Major hook of your opening scene? Charlie’s so engrossed in the hockey game he forgets his and his girlfriend’s anniversary. Also, an ex-player scores the winning goal, much to Charlie’s angst.
C. Any turning points? Decide to go to New York to steal the Stanley Cup. Victor shows a stripper the Cup; she comes back to take it and the guys flee. Car breaks down in Amish country. Reward for the Cup. Kate’s kidnapped. Roski assaulted for losing Cup. Charlie sees all the Rangers fan waiting for the parade.
D. Emotional dilemma? Should Charlie take the $3 million or give the Cup back? Should they save a kidnap Kate or keep going to NYC?
E. Major twists? Plot to steal the Cup. Fleeing from stripper. Reward for Cup- everyone’s after them. Roski assaulted. Charlie rips up the check.
F. Reversals? Amish kid tries to steal their car. Fenix backs out of the $1 million payment, then Victor cons him into making it $3 million. Kate outwits the kidnapper.
G. Character betrayals? Victor nearly bails on Charlie and sells the Cup. Victor lies to Charlie about wanting to help Charlie- only doing it for money. Charlie rips up check. betraying Victor
H. Or any big surprises? Ripping up check. Stripper coming back armed. Amish kid trying to steal car.
2. Make a list of any other things in your script that could interest a producer. The arc of the characters. The theme of life priorities. The parody of sports obsessed fans.
3. Organize both and select the 10 most interesting things. Post those to the forums.
* Steal the Stanley Cup
* $1 million reward, nationwide manhunt
* Charlie’s dad needs surgery- can’t afford
* Rich collector will pay $3 million
* Roski assaulted
* Kate kidnapped
* Lose heartbreaker game- Roski scores winning goal
* Charlie forgets anniversary
* Russian mobster chases them to NYC
* Charlie rips up $3 million check, gives Cup back
4. Answer the question “What I learned doing this assignment is…?” and post it at the top of your work. I learned the importance of being concise with your pitch and only telling the most interesting events in the script.
-
David’s Producer/Manager
1. How will you present yourself and your project to the producer? I would present myself as a produced writer who has been hired for a few assignments- i.e., easy to work with and know the game. I would also present my project as highly marketable; even if just hockey fans saw the movie, it would be a success.
2. How will you present yourself and your project to the manager? I would present myself as a produced writer with a handful of high-concept, highly marketable projects- and with many more on the way. Also that I welcome colloboration and am easy to work with.
3. What I learned from this assignment is the importance of knowing how to pitch yourself and the project to both managers and producers.
-
David’s Scene Requirements
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer
What I learned from this assignment is the necessity of making every scene, replete with conflict and purpose.
I. EXT./INT. BOAT/SF MARINA
Chas lives on a messy, dinky boat receiving increasingly nasty calls from his student loan collector.
Scene Arc: We go from fancy yachts to a shitty boat
Essence: Chas is in deep shit
Conflict: The collector leaves threatening VM
Subtext: Chas is hiding away from the world, from reality
Hope/fear: We hope Chas avoids him. We fear he might get hurt.
I. EXT/INT. COLLECTION OFFICE, IDAHO
Scene Arc: Go from pleasant, peaceful office to heated, angry debate
Keith is fired from his job, grabs Chas’ info before he’s escorted out.
Essence: Keith is vicious and desperate
Conflict: He argues with his hippy boss for his job
Subtext: Keith will do anything to nail Chas, especially since he needs money to save his childhood home.
Hope/fear: We hope he keeps his job. Fear he won’t.
II. INT. CHAS’ BOAT
Scene Arc: From comfort to discomfort; ends with landlotrd demanding rent
Chas declines RJ’s to work for him, says that his life is fine
Essence: Chas can’t face reality
Conflict: RJ challenges Chas on his lifestyle
Subtext: Chas needs to get his shit togethe- gonna get evicted
Hope/fear: Chas doesn’t evicted. Fear he will.
III. INT. BAR, IDAHO
Keith and his childhood buddy share stories before asking for a job; not only is there no jobs in town, his buddy thinking of relocating
Scene Arc: pleasant to confrontational
Essence: No jobs in town for Keith
Conflict: Upset at his buddy for thinking of leaving town; a billiard ball strikes Keith’s neck- we think he’s gonna fight college kids.
Subtext: Keith is stuck in the past
Hope/fear: Keith doesn’t fight the kids. Fear he will.
IV. INT. OFFICE BUILDINGS
Chas goes on three job interviews, all of which he gets denied
Scene Arc: Optimism to pessimisim
Essence: Chas can’t get a job- no focus, bad credit
Conflict: Each interview brings up weakness of Chas
Subtext: Chas wasted too many years, needs to figure out a plan
Hope/fear: Chas gets job. Fear he won’t.
V. EXT. PARK, SF
Chas laments to his Little Brother Trey about his situation
Scene Arc: Bad to worse, lamenting to seeing a homeless guy who looks just like him
Essence: Chas is fucked
Conflict: Chas can’t tell parents or friends the truth
Subtext: Chas is a footfall away from being homeless
Hope/fear: He’ll ask for help. Fear he won’t.
VI. EXT. KEITH’S BACKYARD, IDAHO
While Keith throws a ninja star, an IRS guy shows up and says if he doesn’t come up with 10 grand in 5 days, his house will be foreclosed
Scene Arc: pleasant to unpleasant
Essence: Keith needs 10 grand quick- believes Chas is his ticket
Conflict: Battles with the IRS guy over the foreclosure
Subtext: He’ll do anything to keep his childhood home- loves his recently deceased mother and hates change
Hope/fear. That he doesn’t harm/kill IRS guy. Fear he will.
VII. EXT/INT SPERM BANK
Scene Arc: negative to positive, from lying to his dad to having chance at job
Essence: Chas goes for only job he can get- sperm donor
Conflict: Questioned by haughty manager of the sperm bank; Chas lying to his dad
Subtext: Chas settles for shitty job with no responsibilies- doesn’t change his ways
Hope/fear. That he gets job. Fear he won’t.
VIII. INT/EXT. KEITH’S HOUSE
Keith packs a a shit ton of weapons for his trip to SF to hunt down Chas
Scene Arc: Hard to soft, in Keith’s manners (grabbing swords to taking photo of his beloved mom)
Essence: Keith’s gonna hunt down Chas
Conflict: Tosses gun on bed and it fires, nearly hitting him
Subtext: He’s doing this for his mom
Hope/fear. He doesn’t hurt himself. Fear he will.
IX. INT. CRYOBANK/HALLWAY
Chas gets the job, but told he can’t masturbate
Scene Arc: Happy to sad
Essence: Chas finally lands a job
Conflict: Told he can’t masturbate
Subtext: Chas has no girlfriend, all he does is masturbate
Hope/fear: He’ll keep job with the regulations. Fear he won’t.
X. INT. HALLWAY
Chas meets Christie and sparks fly. Embarrassed by coming out of the sperm bank, he says he’s a doctor.
Scene Arc: upset to thrilled; told he can’t masturbate to meeting his dreamgirl
Essence: Chas meets his dreamgirl
Conflict: Embarrassed, Chas tells her he’s a doctor
Subtext: Chas can’t face reality
Hope/fear: He can pull it off. Fear he won’t.
XI. INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE
An intern, Christie brings coffee for the lawyers. Her mentor Janeane encourages her to date a doctor
Scene Arc: Unsure to sure in regards to dating. Ends with her seeing Chas give an old lady a dollar… not seeing it’s for bus change.
Essence: Christie’s enamored with Chas
Conflict: Dicker (douchebag lawyer) hits on her and with Jeaneane, saying she doesn’t care about him being a doctor
Subtext: She’s naïve
Hope/fear: They’ll fall in love. Fear they won’t.
XII. INT/EXT TRUCK, MOVING
Keith drives his pickup truck towards California, RV of college kids pass by and laugh at him; girls flash him
Scene Arc: Happy to pissed to horny
Essence: Keith eyes the melons in the fruit basket after seeing the breasts
Conflict: College kids laugh at the redneck in a truck
Subtext: Keith is horny, hasn’t been with a girl in a while
Hope/fear: He doesn’t retaliate against kids. Fear he will.
XIII. EXT, BAR, SF
Over drinks, RJ offers his apartment to Chas
Scene Arc: Mocking Chas to Giving him apartment
Essence: Chas can carry out his ruse
Conflict: RJ and Haynes make fun of Chas for donating sperm
Subtext: Chas has good friends- he’s a good guy
Hope/fear: That Chas tries to date Christie. Fear he won’t
XIV. INT/EXT FRUIT CHECKPOINT
Keith devours fruit basket, gets stopped at checkpoint. His truck’s searched, weapons found, then RV with asshole kids drives past and cops chase them instead.
Scene Arc: Angry to terrified to relieved
Essence: Keith is detained, a violent threat to Chas
Conflict: Border cop finds all weapons, about to pull up Keith’s record and see he’s on probation
Subtext: Keith is outsider to California
Hope/fear: He doesn’t get arrested. Fear he will.
XV. EXT/INT RJ’S BMW
Chas waits for Christie to come out of office/coffee shop, when Janeane gives Chas Christie’s number- and a warning not to treat her badly.
Scene Arc: negative to positive, about to bail to getting number
Essence: Chas’ ruse is working out
Conflict: Jeaneane threatens him
Subtext: Janeane protects Christie
Hope/fear: He gets to see her. Fear he won’t
XVI. INT. RJ’S APARTMENT
Chas cleans up the apartment, getting rid of any evidence that RJ lives there. Christie shows up, he’s nervous, not knowing where the glasses are, etc.
Scene Arc: in control, confidence to out of control, no confidence
Essence: Chas is in over his head
Conflict: Doesn’t know how to open a wine bottle, doesn’t know where the glasses are, has to explain the 18 year old girl on RJ’s fridge
Subtext: Chas needs to come clean and end the ruse
Hope/fear: He gets away with it. Fear he gets busted.
XVII. EXT. FRATERNITY ROW
Frat guys play flip cup when Keith’s pick up parks on the street. He grabs a grenade and stomps toward the house next door (Chas’).
Scene Arc: Pleasant to unpleasant; who is this older redneck guy?
Essence: Keith is about to inflict pain- he’s on a mission
Conflict: Grabs grenade, menacing vs. partung college kids
Subtext: Keith is out if his element
Hope/fear: he doesn’t find Chas. Fear he will.
XVIII. INT. RJ’S APARTMENT
Chas and Christie eat jambalaya, talking and laughing, then realize food is scorching hot- they both spit out the food, gonna order pizza
Scene Arc: pleasant to unpleasant
Essence: Chas and Christie break the ice (literally)
Conflict: Christie questions Chas on trip to Mardi Gras; the food is way too hot to eat
Subtext: Chas can be himself around her- he should come clean
Hope/fear: He doesn’t get busted (his lie). Fear he will.
XIX. INT. FRAT HOUSE
Keith grabs Chas’ PAST DUE letters as a freshman (DJ) asks if he can help him. Keith ties DJ up to his bunk bed, threatening him.
Scene Arc: Calm to violent
Essence: Keith will do anything to get intel on Chas
Conflict: Keith theatends DJ, who pleads who doesn’t know who Chas is
Subtext: Keith is on tilt, dangerous
Hope/fear: He won’t torture DJ. Fear he will.
XX. INT. RJ’S APARTMENT
Chas and Christie play Battleship when RJ calls; Chas pretends he’s a patient as Christie finds a magazine with RJ’s name on it. Almost busted, Chas plays it off as an alias. Ends with a magical kiss.
Scene Arc: pleasant to cringeworthy to wonderful
Essence: Chas and Christie share their first kiss
Conflict: RJ calls, Chas has to cover; also has to cover about the magazine
Subtext: Despite the lies, these two are meant for one another
Hope/fear: Chas doesn’t get busted. Fear he will.
XXI. INT, FRAT HOUSE
Keith threatens DJ with his grenade. He’s about to break when a platoon shows up- frat boys back from paintball. They break into DJ’s room and shoot down Keith. Ends with someone saying he saw Chas as the sperm bank.
Scene Arc: Agitated to Gunned Down to Gaining Intel
Essence: Keith learns where Chas ‘works’ at
Conflict: Paintball shootout at close range
Subtext: Chas is well liked; these guys protect him
Hope/fear: Keith doesn’t kill DJ. Fear he will.
XXII. INT. RJ’S BEDROOM
Christie wakes up, not sure where she is. She’s reassured seeing Chas slept on the couch. Christie wants to explore SF; Chas has no money, so he wants to stay in.
Scene Arc: Anxious (where am I? to happy (gonna explore SF)
Essence: They’re gonna explore SF, but Chas needs to stop by work to get a check
Conflict: Chas wants to stay in cause he has no money
Subtext: Christie is like a child, exuberant
Hope/fear: They go out and about. Fear they don’t.
XXIII. EXT. SPERM BANK
Christie waits for Chas in his car (RJ’s actually) when Keith comes up with a list of cryobanks and asks Christie if this is the right one.
Scene Arc: Keith goes from confused to titillated at seeing how beautiful Christie is.
Essence: Keith finds the right sperm donor
Conflict: Embarrassed, Keith explains it’s not for him
Subtext: Keith is horny
Hope/fear: He finds the right one. He doesn’t.
XXIV. INT. SPERM BANK
Chas pleads for Heidi to give him his check. She flirts with him, bHe tells her he has a girlfriend now and it feels good.
Scene Arc: Upset (no check) to Getting check
Essence: Chas has money now for his day of exploring
Conflict: Heidi flirts with him, wants to exchange the check for sex
Subtext: Chas has a girlfriend, first time he’s said it
Hope/fear: He gets check. Fear he won’t.
XXV. INT. SPERM BANK/HALLWAY
Chas swipes a doctor’s smock, then sees Keith in the hallway, who asks Chas where the cryobank is (he doesn’t know what Chas looks like). Chas puts on a harsh German accent and points down the hall. Then Dicker, the douchy lawyer, interrogates Chas before he leaves.
Scene Arc: Happy (smock) to terrified (seeing Keith) to annoyed (Dicker)
Essence: Chas fools Keith, his nemesis
Conflict: They meet in hallway- Chas recognizes Keith’s voice. Also, tension with Dicker who ridicules him.
Subtext: Pulling this off won’t be easy- two antagonists after him
Hope/Fear. Keith doesn’t recognize him. Fear he will.
XXVI. EXT. CAR/SIGHTS OF SF
Chas races out of the building with Keith in pursuit. Jumps in car and takes off. Have amazing day together, ending with a kiss at sunset at Twin Peaks.
Scene Arc: terrified to terrific
Essence: These two are meant for one another
Confict: Chas sees his homeless doppelganger in park; Keith finds out where Chas lives by stealing cryobank file
Subtext: Chas is getting in too deep
Hope/fear: They fall in love. Fear they don’t.
XXVII. EXT/INT CHAS’ BOAT
With help of Arnie the landlord, Keith finds Chas’ dinky boat. Kicks in the door and sees the shabby, messy living quarters. Realizes he’s on a fool’s errand.
Scene Arc: Confused to excited to depressed
Essence: Keith finds boat- sees that Chas has no money
Conflict: Arnie thinks Keith’s Chas dad and tries to get money out of him; Keith thinks someone’s inside boat… just Chas’ cat
Subtext: Fool’s errand
Hope/Fear: Chas is not inside. Fear that he is.
XXVIII. INT. RJ’S BEDROOM
Chas and Christie after making love. He says he loves her- she says you don’t even know me. She asks him to tell her something she doesn’t know- chance to come clean but doesn’t. Ends with Christie inviting him to parents anniversary, then says she loves him, too.
Scene Arc: Excited to anxious; he’s in too deep now
Essence: Christie’s falling in love with the fake Chas
Conflict: Chas lets out some truths, i.e, having a boat and a cat, nearly blowing his cover
Subtext: Chas is in too deep
Hope/Fear. He comes clean. Fear he won’t.
XXIX. INT CHAS’ BOAT
Keith reflects on his life seeing all of Chas’ college photos on the wall. Then spies Chas’ computer: Christie’s Facebook page is open, showing the law firm she interns at- bingo.
Scene Arc: Regret to Excitement
Essence: Keith finds out where Christie works
Conflict: His emotions seeing all the fun college pics; regret washes over him
Subtext: Keith regrets never having gone to college
Hope/fear: He gives up mission. Fear he won’t.
XXX. EXT. COFFEE SHOP, SF
Chas and Christie share a newspaper like a couple. Chas’ dad calls while Christie hands her muffin to a homeless man.
Scene Arc: good to better; harmony to perfection
Essence: Chas tells dad he got the bank job, ‘everything’s perfect.’
Conflict: His dad calls; has to sort of lie to him
Subtext: Chas is heads over heels in love
Hope/fear: He tells dad the truth. Fear he won’t.
XXXI. INT. LAW FIRM
Keith looks for Christie, but only Dicker is there. He happily gives Keith’s Christie’s home address
Scene Arc: Angry to happy; getting stomewalled to getting address
Essence: Keith gets Christie’s home address
Conflict: Dicker stonewalls Keith, protecting Christie, until he finds out who Keith is- they’re on the same side
Subtext: Dicker stalks Christie/Would love to bust Chas
Hope/fear: The mission ends here. Fear it won’t.
XXXII. EXT. STREET/KID’S HOSPITAL
Christie parks her car in the worst part of town, takes Chas to her charity of choice: a children’s hospital.
Scene Arc: Uncomfortable to sick in the stomach
Essence: Christie shows Chas the place where she volunteers
Conflict: Chas questions her on the bad part of town, then feels terrible seeing the hospital
Subtext: Chas is fucked; gonna have to prove he’s a doctor
Hope/fear: It’s somewhere nice, playful. Fear it won’t be.
XXXIII. INT. KID’S HOSPITAL
Christie introduces Chas to Dr. Stu, who interrogates Chas- uncomfortablly after Christie tends to a child.
Scene Arc: Pleasant to Unpleasant
Essence: Dr. Stu threatens Chas not to hurt Christie
Conflict: Dr. Stu threatens Chas
Subtext: Chas needs to stop the ruse
Hope/fear: Chas doesn’t get busted. Fear he will.
XXXIV. EXT. CHRISTIE’S APARTMENT
Keith buzzes Christie’s apartment, but Christie’s roommate Liz won’t let him in, Fortunately, Christie’s friend from the block overheard this and wants to help him- and hurt Chas, who made fun of the area.
Scene Arc: Anxious to Angry to Relieved
Essence: Keith gets help from the ‘mayor of the block’ who knows Christie’s whereabouts
Conflict: Liz threatens to call the cops if Keith keeps buzzing
Subtext: Keith has hidden allies, all who want to punish Chas
Hope/Fear: Keith doesn’t find Christie. Fear he will.
XXXV. INT. KID’S HOSPITAL
Chas hangs out with sick kid, talking. The kid says he wants to be a doctor when he grows up, so he can help people. Chas feels sick, tells Christie he doesn’t feel good and bails,
Scene Arc: Pleasant to unpleasant
Essence: Chas feels so guilty he has to leave the hospital
Conflict: Sick kid wants to be a doctor like Chas. Chas feels awful.
Subtext: Chas can’t do the ruse anymore
Hope/fear: Chas comes clean. Fear he won’t.
XXXVI. INT. CITY BUS
Depressed, Chas sees all the signs inside the bus about college loans and hospitals and doctor.
Scene Arc: Bad to worse; ends with old lady who we saw earlier slamming into his seat
Essence: Chas feels guilty seeing the bus signs
Conflict: Regret washes over him; old lady slams into him
Subtext: Chas wasted his life
Hope/fear: He changes. Fear he won’t.
XXXVII. INT. KID’S HOSPITAL
Keith rushes in, asks about Christie. Dr. Stu lies, says she went to Africa on a mission.
Scene Arc: Excited to Despressed
Essence: Keith doesn’t find Christie
Conflict: Keith and Dr. Stu trade barbs
Subtext: Dr. Stu protects Christie, possibly loves her
Hope/fear: Keith doesn’t find Christie. Fear he will.
XXXVIII. EXT/INT. COLLEGE LIBRARY
Chas revists his old stomping grounds. Checks out a few medical books in the library with the help of DJ the freshman.
Scene Arc: Anxious to relieved
Essence: Chas gets medical books
Conflict: Students wonder why Chas is back on campus; his library card’s not good anymore- it was never used.
Subtext: Chas is changing
Hope/fear: He’ll get the books. Fear he won’t.
XXXIX. EXT. LIBRARY
DJ invites Chas to the frat house, but after some thought, Chas declines
Scene Arc: Excited to Sad (DJ’s perspective)
Essence: Chas bails on DJ, goes home
Conflict: DJ tells him about all the girls at the house, Chas is torn
Subtext: Chas is growing up
Hope/Fear: Chas doesn’t party with college kids. Fear he will.
XL. EXT. CHAS’ BOAT
A padlock’s on the boat, Keith can’t get in, Arnie the landlord offers the boat to rent to Keith. Keith cares about the cat that’s locked inside.
Scene Arc: Distraught to angry
Essence: The boat is locked- Chas has been evicted
Conflict: Arnie haggles over price, Keith’s upset about the cat
Subtext: Keith cares about animals- not the monster we think he is
Hope/fear: He gets the car out. Fear he won’t.
XLI. INT. CHRISTIE’S APARTMENT
Liz tells Christie’s she’s got a stalker as they play Scrabble.
Scene Arc: Anxious to pleasant
Essence: Liz tells Christie’s an older guy was looking for her
Conflict: Liz telling Christie she has a stalker
Subtext: Christie’s sweet and smart (puts down 7 letter word)
Hope/fear: She finds out who stalker is. Fear she won’t
XLIII. INT. RJ’S APARTMENT
Chas studies his medical books when Christie texts him ‘ I miss you.’ Feeling guilty, Chas turns off his phone, ending the relationship.
Scene Arc: Feeling good (engrossed in book) to feeling awful (ending the relationship)
Essence: Chas ends the relationship with Christie
Conflict: Emotions torn when Christie texts him
Subtext: Chas can’t face reality- he’d rather hide
Hope/fear: He texts her back. Fear he won’t
XLIV. INT. KEITH’S TRUCK
Lonely, Keith lies in the back, swigging whiskey. Scrolls through his phone, finds a contact and calls.
Scene Arc: Lonely to Companionship
Essence: Feeling lonely, Keith calls someone
Conflict: Should he call?
Subtext: Keith is all alone
Hope/fear: He makes the call. Fear he won’t.
XLV. INT. CHRISTIE’S APARTMENT
Scene Arc: Distraught to Comfortable/Pain Eased
Essence: Chas won’t return her calls/texts
Conflict: Why doesn’t he call? Also, Liz (a lesbian) cuddles up to Christie, too close for comfort
Subtext: Liz is in love with Christie
Hope/fear: Chas calls back. Fear he won’t.
XLVI. INT. HEIDI’S APARTMENT
Keith and Heidi have rough sex.
Scene Arc: Rough to happy
Essence: Keith and Heidi have sex
Conflict: Neighbors yelling at them for being loud
Subtext: They could be a budding couple
Hope/fear: They don’t get in trouble. Fear they will.
XLVII. INT. RJ’S APARTMENT
RJ comes home while Chas studies medical books. RJ says they’re going golfing in 45 minutes. Chas doesn’t want to, but relents.
Scene Arc: Pleasant to Unpleasant
Essence: Chas is engrossed in medical books
Conflict: Chas turned off phone, didn’t pick RJ up at airport. Chas supposed to hang out with Trey, doesn’t want to golf
Subtext: Chas found his passion
Hope/fear: Chas stays and studies. Fear he won’t.
XLVIII. EXT. WHARF/LOMBARD STREET/ALCATRAZ
His last day in SF, Keith visits all the hot spots, enjoying the city- until he sees the cells at Alcatraz, reminding him of his past.
Scene Arc: Elated to Miserable
Essence: Keith tours the city, living it up
Conflict: Fish out of water with SF liberals; sees prison cells
Subtext: Keith could actually live here
Hope/fear: He enjoys the city. Fear he won’t.
XLIX. EXT. GOLF COURSE
Chas, Trey, RJ, and Haynes play golf, discussing Christie.
Scene Arc: Pleasant to Unpleasant
Essence: RJ tells Chas to move on, forget her
Conflict: Trey says Chas love her, gets ridiculed; RJ makes fun of Chas fo donating sperm, offers him job again
Subtext: Chas does love her
Hope/Fear: Chas doesn’t listen to RJ. Fear he will.
L. EXT. YACHT
Christie and her parents gather for the big anniversary party.
Scene Arc: Anxious to Happy
Essence: They wonder when Chas will show up
Conflict: Will he show up?
Subtext: They’re a loving family
Hope/Fear: Chas shows up. Fear he won’t.
LI. EXT. PARK
Keith sees the homeless guy who looks like Chas and accosts him.
Scene Arc: Depressed to Excited to Menacing
Essence: Keith finds Chas (or so Keith thinks)
Conflict: The bum claims he’s not Chas- Keith doesn’t believe him, pulls a knife on him.
Subtext: Keith is desperate
Hope/Fear: Keith doesn’t kill him. Fear he might.
LII. EXT. CHAS’ BOAT
Back from golf, Chas is locked out of the boat. Sees an old, adoring couple and thinks of Christie.
Scene Arc: Distraught to Excited
Essence: Chas is evicted
Conflict: Boat’s padlocked with all his stuff inside
Subtext: Chas realizes he’s in love with Christie- nothing else matters.
Hope/fear: He can get his suit inside the boat. Fear he won’t.
LIII. EXT. PARK
Keith calls the bum’s parents, realizes he got the wrong guy
Scene Arc: Excited to Dismayed
Essence: Keith got the wrong guy
Conflict: Keith finds out he got the wrong guy, tells parents his son’s a bum, giving hummers in the park
Subtext: It’s over for Keith
Hope/fear: He doesn’t harm the bum. Fear he will.
LIV. INT. LAW FIRM
Dicker snoops around, finds invite to Christie’s yacht party
Scene Arc: Curious to Ceepy to Elated
Essence: Dicker finds invite to party
Conflict: Sees ‘Chas and Christie’ on calendar, scoffs. Snooping around her desk, afraid he might get caught
Subtext: Dicker’s creepy
Hope/fear: He doesn’t find anything. Fear he will.
LV. INT. KEITH’S TRUCK
Depressed, Keith sits in the truck with a gun in his lap. Then gets call from Diicker and springs to life.
Scene Arc: Suicidal to Ecstatic
Essence: Thanks to Dicker, Keith knows where Christie (and Chas) will be
Conflict: Suicidal, gun out with photo of mom whom he let down
Subtext: Keith let his mom down
Hope/fear: The call is good news. Fear it won’t be.
LVI. EXT. MARINA
Chas and Trey seach for Christie’s yacht… find it.
Scene Arc: Anxious to Elated
Essence: Chas finds Christie
Conflict: Can’t find it, anxious. Trey tells Chas to telll her the truth.
Subtext: Trey is actually a mentor to Chas
Hope/fear: Finds the yacht. Fear he won’t.
LVII. EXT. YACHT
Chas comes onboard and meets Christie and her parents. He takes Christie away to tell her something when Dicker shows up uninvited
Scene Arc: Happy to sad
Essence: Chas shows up, reunites with Christie
Conflict: Why didn’t he call? Also, Dicker shows up, upsetting everyone onboard
Subtext: Chas is finally gonna come clean
Hope/fear: Chas tells her the truth. Fear he won’t.
LVIII. EXT. MARINA
Keith chases down the yacht, but it’s gone. Then Arnie shows up and wants to get Chas.
Scene Arc: Anxious to Distraught to Excited
Essence: They’re gonna take Chas’ boat to get to the yacht
Conflict: Grenade in pocket scares tourist, yacht takes off before he gets there
Hope/Fear. He misses yacht. Fear he doesn’t.
LIX. INT. BOAT
Chas is finally gonna come clean, but Christie doesn’t want to hear bad news on her parents anniversary.
Scene Arc: Anxious to Relief
Essence: Chas is let off the hook
Conflict: Chas says he has bad news, Christie calls him a liar… for saying he was gonna call.
Subtext: Chas will never tell the truth unless he’s forced to
Hope/Fear: He tells her the truth. Fear he doesn’t.
LX. EXT. CHAS’ BOAT
Keith and Arnie unfurl the shabby sails, not sure if it’s gonna make it.
Scene Arc: Excited to Skeptical
Essence: They’re gonna take Chas’ boat
Conflict: Debate if this will make it
Subtext: They haven’t got a chance
Hope/fear: It will make it. Fear it won’t.
LXI. EXT. YACHT
Caroline gives speech as Christie clenches Chas’ hand.
Scene Arc: Funny to Romantic
Essence: Caroline loves Gary despite him being poor
Conflict: Caroline pokes fun at Gary’s poverty
Subtext: Christie can accept Chas’ poverty
Hope/fear: Christie will forgive Chas (when he eventually tells her the truth). Fear she won’t
LXII. EXT. CHAS’ BOAT
Waves pummel the boat, knocking off Arnie’s toupee.
Scene Arc: Bad to Worse
Essence: The tiny boat is getting pummeled
Conflict: Will they make it? Arnie’s toupee flies off.
Subtext: No way this boat will make it
Hope/Fear: They don’t drown. Fear they will.
LXIII. EXT. YACHT
Gary gives his speech, ending in a toast as the band starts up.
Scene Arc: romantic to funny
Essence: Gary’s crazy in love with his wife
Conflict: Dr. Dtu glares at Chas, envious
Subtext: Gary’s a dreamer like Chas
Hope/Fear: Dr. Stu doesn’t do anything to Chas. Fear he will.
LXIV. EXT. CHAS’ BOAT/YACHT
Keith and Arnie reach the yacht
Scene Arc: Terrified (a shark circles) to Joy (landing on yacht)
Essence: They reach the yacht
Conflict: The shark, the waves, climbing onto the yacht
Subtext: Keith will stop at nothing to nail Chas
Hope/fear: They don’t get eaten by shark. Fear they will.
LXV. EXT. YACHT
Keith hunts down Chas amidst chaos. Dicket straightens Christie out on the truth of Chas, then Gary punches Dicker
Scene Arc: Startled to Confused to Violent
Essence: Keith tracks down Chas while Dicker tells Christie the truth
Conflict: Keith and Dr. Stu, Dicker and Christie/Gary
Subtext: Chas ruined the party
Hope/fear: Keith doesn’t catch Chas. Fear he will.
LXVI. EXT. CHAS’ BOAT
Chas is hog-tied, trying to explain to Christie on the yacht. Janeane comforts Christie, who now knows the truth.
Scene Arc: Bewildered to Upset
Essence: Christie realizes she was made a fool of.
Conflict: Chas hog-tied, Christie telling Janeane that everything he said was a lie
Subtext: Christie’s naïve
Hope/Fear: She’ll get over Chas. Fear she won’t.
LXVII. INT. CHAS’ BOAT
Keith forces Chas to tell his dad, gets him to wire 10 grand to Keith’s account.
Scene Arc: Distraught to Humiliated
Essence: Chas is forced to his dad the truth
Conflict: With a gun to his head, Chas breaks down sobbing, telling his dad the truth
Subtext: Chas would rather die than tell the truth
Hope/Fear: Chas will tell truth. Fear he won’t.
LXVIII. INT. BAR
Keith and Chas have a beer, reminiscing. Chas realizes he loves Christie and will not just let her go.
Scene Arc: Relaxed to Motivated
Essence: Chas realizes Christie is the only good thing in his life
Conflict: They talk about their very different pasts
Subtext: Keith not sure what his next move is- Chas is
Hope/Fear: Chas gets Christie back. Fear he won’t.
LXIX. INT. HALLWAY LAW FIRM
Chas gets rebuffed by Janeane
Scene Arc: Excited/Anxious to Distraught
Essence: Janeane says she doesn’t want anything to do with Chas
Conflict:Chas embarrassed Christie in front of her family
Subtext: It’s over
Hope/Fear: He can win her back. He can’t.
LXX. INT. LAW FIRM
Christie listens to Chas’ tender voicemails, then shoots down Dicker who flirts with her.
Scene Arc: Laughing to Serious
Essence: Christie still has feelings for Chas
Conflict: Dicker flirts with her, says he can sue her dad
Subtext: Christie is growing up
Hope/Fear: She’ll give him second chance. Fear she won’t.
LXXI. EXT. CHAS’ BOAT
Months later, Christie hesitantly approaches the boat… Keith and Heidi live on it now. Keith gives photos of her and Chas to Christie.
Scene Arc: Anxious to Happy
Essence: Chas is back East, paying off loans
Conflict: Not sure about giving Chas a second chance, torn when she sees photos
Subtext: Chas is growing up
Hope/Fear: Chas is not still living there. Fear he is.
LXXII. INT. BEDROOM, PARENTS HOUSE
Chas studies for the MCAT in neat room when Keith calls, says that Christie came to see him.
Scene Arc: Sedate to Motivated
Essence: Chas gets idea to see Christie again
Conflict: Keith calls, Chas cringes- old habit.
Subtext: Chas has got his life together
Hope/Fear: He sees her again. Fear he won’t.
LXXIII. EXT. YACHT
Chas hosts a prom party for Christie.
Scene Arc: Nervous to Elated
Essence: These two might be together again when Chas goes to med school
Conflict: Dr. Stu and Chas, Christie gives Chas shit for lying to her.
Subtext: She still cares for him; they might have a shot in the future
Hope/Fear: They kiss. Fear they won’t.
-
David’s Intriguing Moments
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer
What I learned from this assignment is the value of creating intrigue in every act of your script- not just the beginning and end.
ACT 1:
Intrigue: Why is collector guy harassing Chas?
Secret: Chas owes almost 500k in student loans:
Covert agenda: Keith’s gonna track him down
Hidden identity: Chas lies to his parents and friends about his dire situation
Scheme: Keith’s gonna get Chas to cough up money and save his foreclosed house
Superior position: We know Chas’ past as he interviews for job
Cover up: Chas lies to his dad and says he’s interviewing for job at a bank- it’s a sperm bank
Mystery: Why did Keith get fired from collection job?
ACT 2
Intrigue: Chas pretends to be a rich doctor while Keith hunts him down
Secret: Lies to Christie, says he’s doctor
Covert agenda: Make her fall in love with him before telling truth
Hidden identity: Pretends to be doctor
Conspiracy: RJ lets him have car and apartment, abetting the scheme
Scheme: Chas pretends to be rich doctor
Superior position: We know who Chas really is
ACT 3
Intrigue: Chas feels guilty, breaks it off with Christie before the truth comes out; Chas gets kicked off boat
Secret: Why Chas taking out medical books?
Covert agenda: Keith realizes he’s on a fools mission- Chas has no money
Scheme: Chas and Keith both end their schemes
Superior position: We knew all along Chas has no money
Mystery: Why is Chas smilingh when he gets kicked off boat?
ACT 4
Intrigue: Keith tracks down Chas, hog ties and makes him call his dad; Chas has to finally tell the truth to his dad
Secret: Chas’ hidden reality is exposed in front of Christie’s family and friends; Chas plans to go to medical school
Covert agenda; Chas throws party for Christie, hoping to win her back
Scheme: Keith blackmails Chas’ dad into sending him 10k so he can save his home
Superior position: We know all along what’s going on
Mystery: Who’s living on Chas’ boat? Where did he go?
-
David’s Emotional Moments
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer
What I learned from this assignment is the incredible value of creating deep, empathetic moments, both positive and negative.
ACT 1:
Distress: Chas is living in dinky, messy boat getting threatening calls from a collector
Bonding: Chas and Trey, his Little Brother, bond while talking about what profession Chas should pursue.
Wounds: Brought up during job interviews- 8 years to graduate, not sure of his profession, bad credit
Success/Winning: Chas finally lands a job
ACT 2:
Love: Cute meet with Christie. Instant attraction
Moral issue: Lies and says he’s a doctor, feels guilty about it.
Surprise: Janeane gives Chas Christie’s number
Distress: Chas caught in lie- Christie finds magazine with RJ”s name on it- has to cover it.
Distress: Sees Keith the collector in trhe hallway of the cryobank- pretends he’s a German/Nazi
Bonding: Christie and Chas share an amazing day together
Love: They both say ‘I love you;’ Chas knows he’s in too deep.
ACT 3
Distress: Christie takes Chas to a sick kid’s hospital- Chas feels horrible and bails after talking to a kid
Emotional dilemma: Should Chas keep up ruse or end the relationship?
Surprise: Chas enjoys reading the medical books he took out at the library
Distress: he’s locked out of his boat
Love: Realizes it’s okay as long as he’s with Christie
ACT 4
Bonding: Chas and Trey before Chas walks onto the yacht
Love: Chas and Christie talk and laugh, almost kiss before interrupted. They’re back as a couple
Surprise/Distress: Keith climbs aboard and yacht and hog ties Chas
Wound: Keith makes Chas call dad and tell him the truth
Distress: Christie wants nothing to do with him- it’s over
Surprise/Love: Chas throws a party for Christie to close out the story. They rekindle the romance.
-
David’s Reveals!
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of hiding key information, then springing it forth at the best time with the proper setup.
ACT 1.
Start with yachts, then reveal that Chas lives in a dinky boat. Start right on page 1
Keith, after leaving violent voicemails, is a pudgy guy in a shitty boiler room operation- and he’s about to get fired
That Chas spent 8 years in college and still doesn’t know what to do. Shows up when he’s interviewing for jobs. Setups? All kinds of books littered on the floor of his boat. When he plays Warcraft, has difficult time selecting occupation; chooses healer, which will play into the story later.
Hides his debt situation from his parents and friends. Tells Trey, his Little Brother, his troubles in the park. We know that he lied to his dad before, telling him he’s interviewing for a bank job (it’s a sperm bank). Tells RJ that he likes living on a boat.
Keith is losing his house to the IRS. The IRS guy comes over while Keith throws Ninja stars in the backyard. This sets Keith on the course to find Chas, who he believes has money. Setup? He mentions to Patrick, the student loan director, that the IRS is after his mom. Takes picture of Chas’s info after he’s fired.1
Reveal that Chas interviews at sperm bank instead of real bank. Setup by Chas telling dad he as interview at a bank, then see a professional setting that we think is a real bank.
ACT 2
Reveal: Keith is gonna get pulled over at ‘fruit check’ border.
Setup: Gets fruit basket after being fired from work. Then sees oranges bursting out of the plastic after being flashes by girls.
Reveal: Chas driving a sports car after we see him taking the bus.
Setup: His friend RJ lets Chas borrow his apartment while he’s away.
Reveal: The blonde Keith’s ogling is a guy
Setup: Keith loves women, then sees the blonde taking a piss. He already hates California, so this adds to his hatred.
Reveal: A photo of an 18 year old girl on RJ’s fridge
Setup: The girl he’s visiting in Costa Rica- we know she’s younger
Reveal: Freshman tied up to his bunk bed in frat house
Setup: Keith got fired for being too aggressive
Reveal: Magazine with RJ’s name on it under couch
Setup: Cleaning up quickly, Chas threw it under the couch
ACT 3
Reveal: Christie takes Chas to a kid’s hospital
Setup: Christie says she’s taking him somewheer special, mentions the girl on RJ’s fridge
Reveal: Keith has rough sex with Heidi
Setup: She’s turned on by him when he demands Chas’ file. Then he texts someone when he’s drunk and lonely.
Reveal: Keith accosts the bum look alike, thinking it’s Chas
Setup: We see the bum look alike earlier
Reveal: The cat’s bowl is full, i.e. Keith feed the cat
Setup: Arnie, the landlord, locks the cat in the boat and only Keith has been inside
ACT 4
Reveal: Dicker shows up on the yacht
Setup: Sees invitation for party, parents discuss stalker in the firm
Reveal: Keith calls number- Chas’ dad
Setup: We know Chas lies to dad
Reveal: Keith lives in Chas’ boat with Heidi
Setup: Keith offered it before, had a boat in Idaho, feeds cat, has sex with Heidi
Reveal: Prom party for Christie
Setup: Christie mentions never had prom, Keith says she asked about Chas
-
David’s Character Action Tracks!
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A-list writer
What I learned from this assignment is having a unique character who performs actions according to his own specific traits.
ACT 1: Keith tracks down Chas/Chas finally gets a job
Chas PJ1: Chas can’t find a job- he’s too old to be an intern, doesn’t know what he wants, bad credit
Chas: Hides from Keith’s calls. Afraid to face realiy.
Deeper Layer: Deep in debt, lies to everyone
Keith AJ1: Fired from job- he doesn’t play by rules, too harsh
Keith: When he gets fired, he lashes out on his boss
Keith AJ2: IRS is gonna take his childhood home. Decides to track down Chas, who Keith thinks he has money since he lives in a $5 million house (frat house)
Deeper Layer: He’s nostalgic for past, hates change
Keith: threatens IRS man with Ninja star.
Chas PJ2: Chas lands a job as a sperm donor- only job he can get
Chas: Effusive, tries shake hand with doctor (but doc refuses)
Inciting Incident: Chas meets Christie after donating sperm- can’t tell her the truth
Chas: Lies, lives in his fantasy world
ACT 2: Chas pretends to be a doctor/Keith closes in
Chas PJ3: Chas borrows friend’s car and apartment to keep up ruse
Deeper level: doubles down on his fault: lying
Chas: Does everything he can to not tell her the truth
Keith AJ3: After finding out Chas donates sperm, he meets Heidi, the receptionist at the sperm bank and sparks fly.
Keith: Uses machismo/threats, unwittingly attracts Heidi
Chas PJ4: Chas spends a day with Christi, having a great time, ending with sex. He has to chance to come clean afterwards, but is too cowardly. Christie says she was dorky in high school and missed her prom.
Chas: Shares goofiness/funloving ways with Christi. Too afraid to come clean, though he’s given a clear chance
MIDPOINT: Christie falls in love with Chas. Now Chas feels guilty leading her on.
Chas: Guilt complex knowing he’s doing the wrong thing.
ACT 3: Chas embarks on a new path/Keith loses hope
Chas PJ5: Christie takes Chas to a kid’s hospital- she does charity work there. Chas feels guilty talking to sick kids, especially one the kid says he wants to be a doctor like you, so he can help people.
Deeper layer: Chas knows he needs to come clean
Chas: Runs away from hospital/reality as he always does
Keith AJ4: Finds out where Chas lives: a dinky boat. Realizes he has no money. Sees photos of Chas and his frat buddies, feels remorse
Deeper level: Regretful that he misses out on college.
Keith: Kicks in door, military style. Then see nostalgic trait as he ogles college pics
Chas PJ6: Inspired by the sick kid, Chas takes out medical books at his old college. He may have found his calling
Chas: Ambitious trait, taking out booksb
TURNING POINT: Chas can’t face reality, breaks up with Christie
ACT 4: The truth finally comes out
Chas PJ7: Though he’s locked out of his boat for not paying rent, he realizes nothing matters without Christie’s love. He plans to attend Christie’s party for her parents and tell her the truth
Chas: romantic trait shows, along with naivete
Deeper level: He’s finally growing up and facing reality
Keith AJ5: Dejected, he gets intel about Christie’s party. Surely, Chas will be there.
Keith: holds bum at knifepoint. Then regretful, let his mom down
CRISIS: Should Chas tell her the truth or ruin their parents party?
Chas PJ8: Chas is about to come clean, but Christie doesn’t want to hear bad news. Chas is relieved.
Chas: given an out, takes the carefree/easy way
Keith AJ6: Keith sails the dinky boat towards the yacht…
Keith: takes action, motivated to nail Chas
CLIMAX: Keith seizes Chas on the boat and takes him away. Christie and the guests are bewildered.
Keith: Threatens Chas, hog ties him in front of everyone
Keith AJ7: Forces Chas to call his parents and get Keith the 10 grand he needs to keep the house. He gets it.
Keith: Puts gun to Chas’ head, grabs Chas’ phone and calls
Chas PJ9: Chas apologizes to Christie, but it’s over. He goes back to PA to work for his dad and pay off the loan.
Chas: Regretful trait. Also ambitious, trying to make things right
Keith AJ8: Stays in SF and lives on the dinky boat with Heidi.
Deeper level: he’s giving up the past and embracing the present
Keith: Subtext that he wants someone more
RESOLUTION: Chas throws a party for Christie- the prom in high school she missed- and everyone’s there. Says he might be going to med school in SF, keeping the possibility of romance in the air.
Chas: Ambitious and romantic. Throws party for his girl, setting everything up.
-
David’s New Outline Beats! (place in first line)
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A-list writer
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of having a rock solid outline that shows cause and effect for every scene.
ACT 1: Keith tracks down Chas/Chas finally gets a job
Chas PJ1: Chas can’t find a job- he’s too old to be an intern, doesn’t know what he wants, bad credit
Deeper Layer: Deep in debt, lies to everyone
Keith AJ1: Fired from job- he doesn’t play by rules, too harsh
Keith AJ2: IRS is gonna take his childhood home. Decides to track down Chas, who Keith thinks he has money since he lives in a $5 million house (frat house)
Deeper Layer: He’s nostalgic for past, hates change
Chas PJ2: Chas lands a job as a sperm donor- only job he can get
Inciting Incident: Chas meets Christie after donating sperm- can’t tell her the truth
ACT 2: Chas pretends to be a doctor/Keith closes in
Chas PJ3: Chas borrows friend’s car and apartment to keep up ruse
Deeper level: doubles down on his fault: lying
Keith AJ3: After finding out Chas donates sperm, he meets Heidi, the receptionist at the sperm bank and sparks fly.
Chas PJ4: Chas spends a day with Christi, having a great time, ending with sex. He has to chance to come clean afterwards, but is too cowardly. Christie says she was dorky in high school and missed her prom.
MIDPOINT: Christie falls in love with Chas. Now Chas feels guilty leading her on.
ACT 3: Chas embarks on a new path/Keith loses hope
Chas PJ5: Christie takes Chas to a kid’s hospital- she does charity work there. Chas feels guilty talking to sick kids, especially one the kid says he wants to be a doctor like you, so he can help people.
Deeper layer: Chas knows he needs to come clean
Keith AJ4: Finds out where Chas lives: a dinky boat. Realizes he has no money. Sees photos of Chas and his frat buddies, feels remorse
Deeper level: Regretful that he misses out on college.
Chas PJ6: Inspired by the sick kid, Chas takes out medical books at his old college. He may have found his calling
TURNING POINT: Chas can’t face reality, breaks up with Christie
ACT 4: The truth finally comes out
Chas PJ7: Though he’s locked out of his boat for not paying rent, he realizes nothing matters without Christie’s love. He plans to attend Christie’s party for her parents and tell her the truth
Deeper level: He’s finally growing up and facing reality
Keith AJ5: Dejected, he gets intel about Christie’s party. Surely, Chas will be there.
CRISIS: Should Chas tell her the truth or ruin their parents party?
Chas PJ8: Chas is about to come clean, but Christie doesn’t want to hear bad news. Chas is relieved.
Keith AJ6: Keith sails the dinky boat towards the yacht…
CLIMAX: Keith seizes Chas on the boat and takes him away. Christie and the guests are bewildered.
Keith AJ7: Forces Chas to call his parents and get Keith the 10 grand he needs to keep the house. He gets it.
Chas PJ9: Chas apologizes to Christie, but it’s over. He goes back to PA to work for his dad and pay off the loan.
Keith AJ8: Stays in SF and lives on the dinky boat with Heidi.
Deeper level: he’s giving up the past and embracing the present
RESOLUTION: Chas throws a party for Christie- the prom in high school she missed- and everyone’s there. Says he might be going to med school in SF, keeping the possibility of romance in the air.
-
David’s Beat Sheet- Draft 1
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A-list writer
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of creating an in depth outline before the writing of actual scenes.
ACT 1: Keith tracks down Chas
Chas PJ1: Chas can’t find a job
Deeper Layer: Deep in debt, lies to everyone
Keith AJ1: Fired from job
Keith AJ2: Goes after Chas
Deeper Layer: Needs to save childhood home
Chas PJ2: Chas lands a job as a sperm donor
Inciting Incident: Chas meets Christie after donating sperm
ACT 2: Chas pretends to be a doctor
Chas PJ3: Chas borrows friend’s car and apartment for ruse
Deeper level: doubles down on his fault/lying
Keith AJ3: Meets Chas, but doesn’t know it
MIDPOINT: Christie falls in love with Chas
ACT 3: Chas goes on a new path
Chas PJ4: Chas feels guilty visiting sick kids in hospital
Keith AJ4: Visits Chas’ home- a dinky boat- realizes he has no money
Deeper level: He let his mom down, on a fool’s mission
Chas PJ5: Chas finds the medical world fascinating, could be his calling
TURNING POINT: Chas can’t face reality, breaks up with Christie
ACT 4: The truth finally comes out
Keith AJ5: Gets intel about Christie’s party
Chas PJ6: Plans to attend Christie’s party for her parents and tell her the truth
Deeper level: He’s finally growing up and facing reality
Keith AJ6: Seizes Chas on the boat and forces him to call his parents
RESOLUTION: Chas goes back home and works for his dad to pay off his student loans. Future with Christie may continue when he goes to med school.
-
David’s Deeper Layers!
My vision is to increase skills to become an A list writer
What I leaned from this assignment is the value of creating deeper meaning- subtext- than what’s on the surface.
Surface Layer: Chas pretends to be doctor
Deeper Layer: Chas lies to everyone, including himself. He doubles down on his weakness/fault
Major Reveal: Keith captures Chas, exposing him as a fraud in front of Christie and her family/friends.
Influences Surface Story: Keith forces Chas to call parents and tell them the truth about his debts
Hints: There’s a bunch of times that Chas nearly gets busted: RJ’s name on magazine, photo of girl on fridge, questioned by real doctor, etc.
Changes Reality: Chas finally grows up, faces truth, decides to finally get his life together
Beginning: Unemployed, living on messy boat, deep in debt.
Inciting Incident: Meets Christie after donating sperm.
Turning Point 1: Embarrassed, he pretends to be a doctor
Act 2: Borrows his friend’s apartment and car, goes with ruse
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Christie’s falling in love with him- he’s in too deep
Act 3: Visits children’s hospital; He’s wracked with guilt. Starts studying medical books.
Turning Point 3: Breaks up with Christie- too afraid to tell her the truth
Act 4 Climax: Reconnects with Christie, but Keith ties him up and makes him confess the truth
Resolution: He goes back home to work for his dad and pay off his debt. He plans to go to med school in SF and be with Christie.
-
David’s Character Structure
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of creating meaningful arcs in your main characters.
Protagonist: Chas Chandler
Beginning: Unemployed, living on messy boat, deep in debt.
Inciting Incident: Meets Christie after donating sperm.
Turning Point 1: Embarrassed, he pretends to be a doctor
Act 2: Borrows his friend’s apartment and car, goes with ruse
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Christie’s falling in love with him- he’s in too deep
Act 3: Visits children’s hospital; He’s wracked with guilt. Starts studying medical books.
Turning Point 3: Breaks up with Christie- too afraid to tell her the truth
Act 4 Climax: Reconnects with Christie, but Keith ties him up and makes him confess the truth
Resolution: He goes back home to work for his dad and pay off his debt. He plans to go to med school in SF and be with Christie.
Antagonist: Keith Holmes
Beginning: Leaves threatening messages for Chas
Inciting Incident: Fired from his collector’s job
Turning Point 1: Needs 10k to save his childhood home, heads out to SF to make Chas pay his debt.
Act 2: Goes to SF, fish out of water, trying to hunt down Chas
Turning Point 2 / Midpoint: Knows where Chas lives- sees him at the sperm bank, but Chas is in a disguise.
Act 3: Realizes Chas has no money- it’s a fool’s errand.
Turning Point 3: Gets intel where Chas will be- on the yacht for Christie’s parents anniversay
Act 4 Climax: Forces Chas to call his dad and get 10k.
Resolution: Decides to let the house go and stay in SF
-
David’s Supporting Characters
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer.
What I learned from this assignment is the value of creating meaningful supporting character that aid and abet the plot/main character’s growth.
Supporting Characters: Janeane, RJ, Trey, Dicker
Background Characters: Chas’ parents, Coddington, Patrick, Keith, Haynes, security guard, border guard, Heidi, Dr. Stu
Support 1:
Name: Janeane
Role: Christie’s co-worker and mentor
Main purpose: To help Christie navigate the perils of the real world
Value: Helps Christie mature, protects her
Support 2:
Name: RJ
Role: Chas’ best friend and confidant
Main purpose: To lend Chas his apartment and car so Chas can pull off his charade.
Value: Challenge Chas on his lifestyle, help him grow up
Support 3:
Name: Dicker
Role: Lawyer in law firm, Christie and Janeane’s adversary
Main purpose: Helps Keith track down Chas, constantly flirts with Christie
Value: Shows growth in Christie- she finally stands up to him
Support 4:
Name: Trey
Role: Chas’ Little Brother
Main purpose: Show that Chas is caring, charitable
Value: Challenges Chas’ on his lying, lifestyle
-
David’s Character Profiles Part 2
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer.
What I learned from this assignment is the value of digging deep into your characters and finding the most interesting/titillating aspects of their character.
A. The High Concept. When a carefree college grad- owing the most money in student loan history- pretends to be a doctor to woo his dreamgirl, a ruthless collector hunts him down, threatening to expose him as a fraud.
B. This character’s journey. Chas goes from lying to himself, hiding away from life to facing reality and embracing it.
C. The Actor Attractors for this character.
Role in the Story: Protagonist
Age range and Description: 26, whimsical, insecure
Core Traits: Eschews reality, whimsical, insecure, (subtext) ambitious
Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to keep living his lifestyle, needs to grow up
Wound: Deeply in debt
Likability, Relatability, Empathy. Likability: Funny, kind, giving. Relatibility: unemployed, deeply in debt. Empathy: Can’t find a job, collectors after him, feels guilty lying to everyone.
7. Character Subtext: He desires to help others. A people pleaser
8. Character Intrigue: He pretends to be a doctor because he can’t face the truth that he’s a sperm donor.
9. Flaw: Lies to everyone, including himself. Too cowardly to face reality.
10. Values: His family, friends, girlfriend. Doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, a people pleaser. Likes to help others.
11. Character Dilemma: He’s a good, well intentioned person stuck in this horrible lie that he keeps doubling down on.
*******************************
A. The High Concept. When a carefree college grad- owing the most money in student loan history- pretends to be a doctor to woo his dreamgirl, a ruthless collector hunts him down, threatening to expose him as a fraud.
B. This character’s journey. Keith goes from nostalgic, living in the past, stuck in his ways/beliefs to opening his mind and embracing the future.
C. The Actor Attractors for this character.
Role in the Story: Antagonist
Age range and Description: 40s, mullet, stuck in 1987.
Core Traits: ruthless, honest, nostalgic, tempermental, (subtext): kind
Motivation; Want/Need: to save his mother’s house; needs to move on.
Wound: Spent time in prison/never went to college
Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Likeability: Funny, brutally honest, loves his mom. Relatability: fired from his job, IRS after him, plant closing down. Empathy: Can’t find a job, Gonna lose his childhood home, needs to come up with 10 grand to fend off the IRS,
7. Character Subtext: He’s actually a kind hearted soul underneath all the bluster.
8. Character Intrigue: He loves his mom and is nostalgic for the past and his hometown. Explains why he does the things he do.
9. Flaw: Narrow minded, believes violence is fine if done for the right purpose
10. Values: His mom, his childhood home, military, his old friends
11. Character Dilemma: He initially wants to get the money- anyway possible- then go back to Idaho. He breaks out of his comfort zone and experiences life outside his hometown and realizes things are not what he was taught. A struggle between the past and the future.
****************************
A. The High Concept. When a carefree college grad- owing the most money in student loan history- pretends to be a doctor to woo his dreamgirl, a ruthless collector hunts him down, threatening to expose him as a fraud.
B. This character’s journey. Christie goes from a naïve intern at a law firm to a mature law student.
C. The Actor Attractors for this character.
Role in the Story: Triangle
Age range and Description: 23, Black, naïve, cute
Core Traits: naïve, romantic, trusting, charitable, (subtext) ambitious
Motivation; Want/Need: to fall in love like a fairytale, needs to grow up and shed naïve beliefs
Wound: She didn’t go to high school prom, not popular
Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Sweet, caring, trusting, loves her parents and volunteers at charity. What’s not to like? Relatability: naïve intern, lives with roommate- little money, too trusting of guys. Empathy: So sweet, we know she’s going to get hurt. Hopeless romantic, to a fault. Gets hit on by a-hole co-worker.
7. Character Subtext: Christie’s ambitious and determined, though she doesn’t show it on the surface.
8. Character Intrigue: She was terribly unpopular in high school and has low self-esteem.
9. Flaw: Too trusting, too naïve.
10. Values: Honesty, family, friends, charity, helping others.
11. Character Dilemma: Trusting/believing in others even when they shouldn’t be trusted. Her liberalism vs. reality.
-
David’s Character Profiles Part 1
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A-list writer.
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of creating a very specific character that jumps out on the screen- and attracts big time actors.
A. The High Concept. When a carefree college grad- owing the most money in student loan history- pretends to be a doctor to woo his dreamgirl, a ruthless collector hunts him down, threatening to expose him as a fraud.
B. This character’s journey. Chas goes from lying to himself, hiding away from life to facing reality and embracing it.
C. The Actor Attractors for this character.
Role in the Story: Protagonist
Age range and Description: 26, whimsical, insecure
Core Traits: Eschews reality, whimsical, insecure, (subtext) ambitious
Motivation; Want/Need: Wants to keep living his lifestyle, needs to grow up
Wound: Deeply in debt
Likability, Relatability, Empathy. Likability: Funny, kind, giving. Relatibility: unemployed, deeply in debt. Empathy: Can’t find a job, collectors after him, feels guilty lying to everyone.
A. The High Concept. When a carefree college grad- owing the most money in student loan history- pretends to be a doctor to woo his dreamgirl, a ruthless collector hunts him down, threatening to expose him as a fraud.
B. This character’s journey. Keith goes from nostalgic, living in the past, stuck in his ways/beliefs to opening his mind and embracing the future.
C. The Actor Attractors for this character.
Role in the Story: Antagonist
Age range and Description: 40s, mullet, stuck in 1987.
Core Traits: ruthless, honest, nostalgic, tempermental, (subtext): kind
Motivation; Want/Need: to save his mother’s house; needs to move on.
Wound: Spent time in prison/never went to college
Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Likeability: Funny, brutally honest, loves his mom. Relatability: fired from his job, IRS after him, plant closing down. Empathy: Can’t find a job, Gonna lose his childhood home, needs to come up with 10 grand to fend off the IRS,
A. The High Concept. When a carefree college grad- owing the most money in student loan history- pretends to be a doctor to woo his dreamgirl, a ruthless collector hunts him down, threatening to expose him as a fraud.
B. This character’s journey. Christie goes from a naïve intern at a law firm to a mature law student.
C. The Actor Attractors for this character.
Role in the Story: Triangle
Age range and Description: 23, Black, naïve, cute
Core Traits: naïve, romantic, trusting, charitable, (subtext) ambitious
Motivation; Want/Need: to fall in love like a fairytale, needs to grow up and shed naïve beliefs
Wound: She didn’t go to high school prom, not popular
Likability, Relatability, Empathy: Sweet, caring, trusting, loves her parents and volunteers at charity. What’s not to like? Relatability: naïve intern, lives with roommate- little money, too trusting of guys. Empathy: So sweet, we know she’s going to get hurt. Hopeless romantic, to a fault. Gets hit on by a-hole co-worker.
-
David’s Likability/Relatability/Empathy
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer.
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of creating characters that we care about. If we don’t feel a connection to the character, we have no interest in watching.
Protagonist (Chas Chandler)
Likability: Is a Big Brother to underprivileged kid. Takes better care of the cat than he does himself. Calls his mom every Sunday. Good natured with a good sense of humor. Self-deprecating. Romantic. Has close friends.
Relatability: Deeply in debt. Marginally employed. Struggle of graduating college and not knowing the next step. Not able to parents truth about his situation. Struggling to make ends meet.
Empathy: Collector threatens him over the phone. Gives his last food to his cat. Can’t get job due to credit check. Busted coming out of a sperm bank. Tries to help his Little Brother, but he can’t even help himself. Doesn’t want to worry his parents, so he lies to them.
Antagonist (Keith Holmes)
Likability: Laughs with old friend at the bar, reminiscing. Loves his mother. Tries to save his childhood home. Feeds a starving cat. Straight talk, never lies.
Relatability: Gets fired from job. IRS is after him. Doesn’t want to leave home town. Blue collar, no bullshit. Drives a beat up truck.
Empathy: Fired, can’t find another job at his age with no college degree. IRS is gonna take his house. Truck breaks down, no money. Gets shot down by frat boys with paint guns.
-
David’s Character Intrigue
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer.
What I learned from this assignment is the value/necessity of creating meaningful subtext in your main characters that create intrigue.
Character Name: Chas Chandler
Role: Protagonist
Secrets: Chas lies and says he’s a doctor to impress Christie.
Deception: Has to go on pretending he’s a rich, successful doctor even though he’s dirt poor and in debt.
Unspoken Wound: Craving to be popular after being a geek in high school.
How does it show up? From the end of Act 1, Chas has to convince Christie that he’s a real doctor: borrows his friend’s apartment and car, steals a doctor’s smock from the sperm bank. Avoids calls from Keith. Has to get an advance to pay for date. Spends 8 years in college because he thrives on popularity causing him to go deep in debt. Puts on a happy face, avoiding reality, not to ruin his popularity.
Character Name: Keith Holmes
Hidden agendas: Track down Chas and force him to pay 10 grand to save his childhood home
Unspoken Wound: Lives in the past that’s no longer relevant. Regrets never having gone to college.
How does it show up? Carries pic of mom in wallet. His old friend Ski moving out of town. See regret in his eyes when he eyes Chas’s college photos. Has outdated views of San Francisco, society. Relies on harsh tactics to get money that are no longer relevant. Has beers with Chas, not sure if he wants to be a collector anymore, nor save his home.
-
David’s Subtext Characters
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer.
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of attracting top actors with terrific subtext.
Movie Title: The Big Lebowski
Character Name: Walter Sobchak
Subtext Identity: Ex-military bowling team member of the Dude
Subtext Trait: Soft, hypocrital
Subtext Logline: Walter’s a hard ass, always talking about Vietnam, but is still whipped by his ex-wife.
Possible Areas of Subtext: Cares for ex-wife’s Pomeranian. Stays a committed Jew after the divorce. Uses offensive racial slang after chastising The Dude. Says he can’t pick up the phone or drive on the Sabbath, but does both.
Movie title: PAST DUE
Character Name: Chas Chander
Subtext Identity: Deeply indebted, unemployed college grad who pretends to be a doctor to woo his dreamgirl.
Subtext Trait: Remorseful, altruistic, scared of reality
Subtext Logline: A deeply in debt sperm donor pretends to be a doctor, but feels guilty and likes to help others.
Possible Areas of Subtext: Big Brother to a Black kid. Gives his last food to his cat. See the guilt on his face when he lies to parents. Visits sick kids in hospital. Ghosts/breaks up with Christie because he feels guilty. Would rather die than tell parents the truth. Lies to his friends that he’s happy with his life.
Movie title: PAST DUE
Character Name: Keith Holmes
Subtext Identity: A ruthless student loan collector hellbent on tracking down Chas to get 10 grand to keep his childhood home.
Subtext Trait: Kind, nastolgic
Subtext Logline: A ruthless student loan collector who loves his mother and desperately wants to save his childhood home.
Possible Areas of Subtext: Takes care of cat. Keeps pic of mom in his wallet. See his fondness for old friends and (crappy) home town. Respectful to women. Dresses and acts like he’s still in 1980s. Fondness for his military days. Envious of college kids.
-
David’s Actor attractors!
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer
What I learned from this assignment was the necessity of creating unique, dynamic characters that an actor would love to play.
PAST DUE: Chas Chandler, protagonist
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it? The epitome of a Gen Z college grad: wants to do great things- knows he has something great inside- but doesn’t know what it is… and is buried in student loan debt.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? He’s a study of ironies: he’s a good hearted, moral person but he lies to everyone, including himself. He eschews reality, preferring to live in a fantasy world.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script? Becomes a sperm donor to pay rent. Lies to a beautiful girl and says he’s a doctor. Drives his friends car and stays in his apartment, saying they’re both his. Mentors a young teenager.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? Lives in a dinky, messy boat, avoiding calls from his student loan collector, and gives his last food to his cat. We know that he’s a kind hearted guy deeply in debt and that his life is a mess.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range? Sincere to funny to deceptive to cunning to regretful.
6. What subtext can the actor play? That he lies to protect his own dignity, not to harm others. That despite his current situation, he has a lot of offer and talents not yet realized.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have? With Christie, who’s sweet and naïve and a hopeless romantic. And Keith, the vicious collector, who’s his exact opposite in almost every way.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented? Through his actions and dialogue and the guilt he has for leading Christie on and his parents.
9. What could make this character special and unique? The dichotomy of his character: he’s honest, but lies. He’s lazy, but ambitious. He’s good hearted, but leads a sweet, naïve girl on.
PAST DUE: Keith Holmes, antagonist
1. What about this role would cause an actor to want to be known for it? Keith is the epitome of white, middle-aged working class guy who feels left behind.
2. What makes this character one of the most interesting characters in your story? He’s a brutal, take-no-prisoner collector, a former Marine with a soft spot for his mother and animals.
3. What are the most interesting actions the Lead could take in the script? Threatens Chas with violence and gets fired. Duct tapes a grenade to a student’s head. Fights an army of frat boys. Threatens the life of an IRS guy. Ties up Chas. Pulls knife on homeless guy.
4. How can you introduce this role in a way that could sell it to an actor? Leaves violent messages on Chas machine, then explodes in a rage after getting fired.
5. What could be this character’s emotional range: from violent rage to nogstalgic to subdued and sweet to regretful.
6. What subtext can the actor play? That he’s really a good guy underneath trying to save his childhood home. That though he hates college kids, he wished he had the opportunity to go.
7. What’s the most interesting relationships this character can have? Cat and mouse game with Chas. The sexual relationship with the receptionist at the sperm bank. The sorta friendship he makes with Dicker, who both hate Chas.
8. How will this character’s unique voice be presented? By his colorful, obsenece language, his military attire and aresnel of weapons. His violent nature and adoration of his departed mother.
9. What could make this character special and unique? His combination of ruthlessness and compassion, of vindictiveness and regret. The journey of breaking out of his comfort zone and changing his attitude.
-
David’s Actor attractors for The Big Lebowski
My vision is to increase my skills to become an A list writer.
What I learned from this assignment was the value of creating unique, memmorable characters that actors would love to play.
THE BIG LEBOWSKI. The Dude.
1 – Actor notoriety – Wants to be known for this part. Iconic role that’s still celebrated to this day.
2 – Character that is most interesting in movie. The Dude is incredibly interesting, a professional slacker whose carefree lifestyle and worldview is unique.
3 – Takes most interesting actions in the story. Only drinks White Russians, has sex with Julieanne Moore, goes to a Hollywood party and gets beat up, then tossed out of Malibu. Gets in fight with nihilists.
4 – Outstanding Introduction. Buys a pint of milk at the grocery store (for his White Russian) in his Dude outfit. We know all about this character in this initial, silent scene.
5 – Range of emotions the actor can play. Goes from subdued and Zen to pissed off and bitter
6 – Subtext the actor can play. Calm underneath the surface when he’s angry, the anger underneath when he’s subdued.
7 – Relationships that are interesting. Him and Walter. Hiim amd Donnie. Him and Julieanne Moore.
8 – Unique Voice expressed through dialogue and action. Very unique dialogue. Outfits are unique. Always drinking White Russians. Loves CCR, but hates The Eagles.
9 – Something truly special about this character.One of the most iconic roles in the last 25 years. There’s no one quite like The Dude.
WALTER:
1 – Actor notoriety – Wants to be known for this part. Hilarious support role. Ex-military hard ass with contadictions and hypocrises.
2 – Character that is most interesting in movie. Unique perspective- everything’s about Vietnam. Spouts off things, a lot of it crass, an expefrt on everything. Stays Jewish after the divorce, watches his ex-wife’s pouffy dog. ‘I can get you a toe.’
3 – Takes most interesting actions in the story. Smashes the windshield of a Ferrari. Bites ear off nihilist. Pulls gun on Smoky at the bowling alley. Rolls out of car during drop off of money. Interrogates 15 year old. Yells at waiter in restaurant, finishing his coffee. Bear hugs old Lebowski in his wheelchair.
4 – Outstanding Introduction. At bowling alley, questioning the Dude about the robbery. Through his dress, haircut and sunglasses, and his dialogue we know all about Walter and his military roots.
5 – Range of emotions the actor can play. Goes from philosophical to a rage. From a hard ass to a whipped divorcee.
6 – Subtext the actor can play. Rage brewing in him at all times. It’s all about good vs evil and he believes in justice.
7 – Relationships that are interesting. Him and the Dude. Him and Donnie- bullies Donnie. Him and the real Lebowski.
8 – Unique Voice expressed through dialogue and action. Very unique perspective of good and evil, carrying out justice. Also, his hypocrisy throughout the movie; chastises the Dude for calling the guy a Chinaman, then uses it himself. Calls the bowling official a Kraut.
9 – Something truly special about this character. No one’s quite like Walter, always bringing up Vietnam and his know it all musings and hypocrisy.
-
David’s Genre Conventions
Vision: To elevate my skills and become an A list writer
What I learned from this assignment was the necessity of honoring your genre’s conventions.
Title: PAST DUE
Genre: Comedy
Concept: When a carefree college grad- owing the most money in student loan history- pretends to be a doctor to woo his dream girl, a ruthless collector tracks him down, threatening to expose him as a fraud.
CONVENTIONS OF COMEDY
PURPOSE: To entertain the audience with a story packed with laughter-inducing moments.
INCONGRUENCE: An unemployed guy with mounds of debt pretends to be a successful doctor. A blue collar, former Marine from Idaho goes to San Francisco. A carefree college grad vs. an uneducated military guy.
MECHANICS OF COMEDY: Gets a job in bank- but it’s a sperm bank. Wears scrubs and is mistaken for a real doctor. Pretends his friend’s fancy apartment is his, nearly getting busted several times. The collector’s fired from his job, is given a fruit basket as severance pay, goes to SF to hunt down Chas, gets stopped at the California border during a fruit check. The collector goes to a frat house, ties up a freshman to get intel on Chas.
COMEDIC PROTAGONIST(S): A carefree, unemployed college grad who constantly lies to himself and others about his situation. The collectot’s the exact opposite- blunt and purposeful.
STRONG STORY: Comedy is not enough. You need a story that keeps us engaged throughout the movie.
Act 1:
Opening: Chas lives on a dinky, messy boat listening to increasingly violent VM’s left by Keith, a notoriously ruthless student loan collector.
Inciting Incident: Chas meets Christie after donating sperm and pretends he’s a doctor.
Turning Point: Needing $10k to save his beloved house, Keith heads out to SF to track down Chas.
Act 2:
New plan: Falling in love with Christie, Chas doubles down on his lie, living it up as a young, successful doctor
Plan in action: Despite nearly getting busted several times, the plan works- though Keith is hot on his trail.
Midpoint Turning Point: Christie says ‘I love you.’ Chas knows he’s in too deep and feels guilty.
Act 3:
Rethink everything: Chas can’t hurt Christie- and is too afraid to tell her the truth- so he ghosts her.
New plan: Intrigued by playing doctor, he studies medical books and has a new plan to attend medical school.
Turning Point:
Chas goes to tell Christie the truth when Keith accosts him, exposing him as a fraud. Christie’s horrified.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Chas is forced to tell his parents and Christie the truth.
Resolution: Chas goes back East to work for his dad so he can pay off his loans. The last scene: Chas flies back to SF to patch things up with Christie, leaving the possibility of a future relationship.
-
David’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
My vision: To increase my skills to become an A-list writer
What I learned from this assigment is the importance of structure and layering in the character arc.
Concept: A
carefree, unemployed college grad, owing the most money in student loan
history, pretends to be a doctor to court his dream girl. A ruthless
collector’s hot on his trail, threatening to expose him as a fraud.
Main Conflict: Chas
lies to his girlfriend; the student loan collector’s hellbent on tracking
him down
Old Ways: irresponsible,
immature, lying, naive
New Ways:
responsible, mature, honest, practicalAct 1:
Opening: Chas is
on a dinky, messy boat listening to increasingly violent VM’s left by
Keith, a notoriously ruthless student loan collector.
Inciting
Incident: Chas meets Christie after donating sperm and pretends he’s a
doctor.
Turning Point: Needing
$10k to save his beloved house, Keith heads out to SF to track down Chas.Act 2:
New plan: Chas
doubles down on his lie, living it up as a young, successful doctor
Plan in action: Despite
stumbles, the plan works- though Keith is hot on his trail. Midpoint Turning
Point: Christie says ‘I love you.’ Chas knows he’s in too deep.Act 3:
Rethink
everything: Chas can’t hurt Christie- and is too afraid to tell her the truth-
so he ghosts her.
New plan: Intrigued
by playing doctor, he studies medical books, has a new plan to attend
medical school.
Turning Point:
Chas goes to tell Christie the truth when Keith accosts him, exposing him
as a fraud. Christie’s horrified.Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate
expression of the conflict: Chas is forced to tell his parents and
Christie the truth.
Resolution: Chas
goes back East to work for his dad so he can pay off his loans. Flies back
to SF to patch things up with Christie, leaving the possibility of a
future relationship.-
This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by David Penn.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by David Penn.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by David Penn.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by David Penn.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
-
David’s Subtext Plot
My vision for this program to learn the skills to propel me to A list status.
What I learned from this assignment is the necessity of creating meaningful subtext in your story.
Concept: A carefree college grad just made the Guinness Book of World Records…. for owing the most money in student loan history. A ruthless collector is gonna make him pay.
Subtext Plots:
Someone Hides Who They Are: Chas pretends to be a successful doctor to court his dream girl. In reality, he’s a sperm donor who lives on a dinky boat and is deeply in debt.
The Fish Out of Water: Chas pretends to be a doctor and is forced to keep doubling down on the lie. Along the way, he encounters situations that challenge his lie.
Superior Position: We know that Chas is full of shit, creating tension during the story. We also know that a ruthless student loan collector is tracking him down, threatening to expose Chas as a fraud.
-
David’s Transformational Journey
My vision for this program to learn the skills to propel me to A list status.
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of having your main character(s) transform during their joiurney, shedding their old ways and adopting new ones.
Character Arc: Chas goes from being careless, flippant, lying to himself and others to being responsible, mature, and unafraid of reality.
Internal journey: from ignorning reality and lying to everyone to facing reality head on and being responsible.
External journey: a drifter, living on a boat in SF and unemployed to working for his dad in PA, en route to medical school.
Old ways: flippant, irresponsible, lying, immature
New ways: responsible, mature, honest with himself and others
-
David’s Intentional Lead Characters
My vision for this program to learn the skills to propel me to A list status.</font>
What I learned from this assignment is the need to create the perfect characters to carry out the concept to maximize conflict.</font>
Chas Chandler is a carefree college grad who eschews reality, blissfully content with the fact he owes $300k in student loans and is unemployed. When he finally lands a job at a bank- er, cryobank, donating sperm- he meets his dream girl in the hallway. He lies and tells her he’s a doctor. Unique: lies to everyone, but worst of all, himself.
Keith Holmes is a hard ass, former Marine turned student collector, known for his harsh tactics to collect money. So harsh, in fact, he’s fired. In desperate need of 10k to save his beloved childhood home from foreclosure, he hunts down Chas- the white whale of student loans- thinking he has money. Unique: Ruthless collector, but has integrity (and a good heart underneath it all).
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by David Penn.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by
-
David’s Title, Concept, and Character Structure!
<font face=”arial, sans-serif”>My vision for this program to learn the skills to propel me to A list status.</font>
<font face=”arial, sans-serif”>What I learned from this assignment is the importance of building a solid foundation for your script before you dig into the details.</font>
Concept: A carefree college grad just made the Guinness Book of World Records…. for owing the most money in student loan history. A deranged collector is gonna make sure he pays.
Title: PAST DUE
Character Structure: Protagonist vs. Antagonist
-
David Agnew Penn. I agree to the terms of this release form:
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
-
Hey everyone… my name is David Agnew Penn. I’ve written a lot of scripts (30 or so)… I’ve taken the ProSeries, the Masters class, and a handful of others… I hope to increase my skill set to have my scripts at the professional level, ready to be produced… something unique/strange about me? Well, let’s see: I once worked as a traveling carnie after high school, sold newspapers door-to-door (during the LA riots, no less), managed a tanning salon during my college years and spent 6 glorious months in Costa Rica:)
-
I learned the incredible value of being in the right state of mind as a writer, i.e. empowerment. Also, the importance of titles and how to create them: by brainstorming and allowing the creative process to flow. In addition, having a clear vision of the roadmap going forward is crucial to future success.
-
David’s Plot and Character Layers
What I learned from the assignment is the value of digging deep and having multiple layers that emerge during the course of the series. These layers/secrets keep us intrigue and invite obsession.
ASSIGNMENT 2: Your Show
Discover the layers that could exist for your show.
1. Brainstorm a list of possible PLOT layers. Dean has a tortured past/reason why he wants home… Dean has shady business deals going on… Steve had affairs with other coeds, maybe in cahoots with the dean… Emily’s boss has shady dealings… could be a killing that happens on-campus, turns out dean had a hand in it… Emily has vendetta against Madison/mean sorority girls. Has secret in her past that comes out- she’s not the innocent woman we thought she was…
PLOT LAYERS – Story beneath the story.
Major scheme revealed: Dean has shady business going on, turns to murder to keep secret intact
Mystery revealed: Financial scam dean headed
Thought the story was one thing, but it is another: It’s not just about the house, it’s about keeping secrets
Major shift in Meaning: Dean wants more than house. Steve involved, too.
Hidden history: Dean and Steve had shady partnership for years…
Hidden plan: To sabotage Emily and reclaim house
Major betrayal: Steve betrayed him, so he had him fired
2. Brainstorm a list of possible CHARACTER layers.
CHARACTER LAYERS – identity beneath the identity.
Secret identity: Dean corrupt
Character intrigue: Dean pretends to be about students, but uses for own gain
Hidden relationships and conspiracies: Shady dealings with Steve and Emily’s boss.
Hidden Character history: Dean needs money for wife/mother. Dad was brutal to him.
1. Organize them each into a possible sequence of reveals.
Plot Surface:
Layer 1: Steve fired, Emily goes back to college
Layer 2: Dean sabotages for control of house
Layer 3: Dean has shady business dealings with Emily’s boss
Layer 4: Steve was actually good guy about to expose dean
Etc.
Character Surface:
Layer 1: Dean upstanding man
Layer 2: Hypocrite
Layer 3: Finds shady dealings
Layer 4: Murder?
-
David’s Big Picture Open Loops
What I learned from this assignment is the critical need to have major questions that the audience wants to have answered be delayed- and with as much tension as impossible. Major open loops is the key to having an obsessed viewer.
ASSIGNMENT 1
1. Think about your Example Show. Make a list of the Big Picture open loops that were established early in the season.
· Who killed Jason?
· Why would he be killed?
· Will Archie and Betty be a couple?
· What did Hiram Lodge do?
· Will Archie get busted for being with Gundy/scene of the crime
· Is Veronica good or bad?
· What’s the feud between Coopers and the Blossoms?
2. Watch the next episode and see how those open loops are being used to create the need to see future episodes. All the loops are in play during the episode- a step forward, then a step back, always keeping us guessing and wanting more. Open loops = obsession
ASSIGNMENT 2:
1. Use this list to brainstorm big picture open loops for your first season that you will use to keep the audience captivated.
GOALS:
New goals? Emily goes back to school, starts sorority
Goals related to the big picture? Finally going to finish/accomplish something
Crushed goals? Never finished college, got shunned by sorority
Competition / conflict around goals? Too old, too dumb to get her degree. Social pressures, from daughter to the dean.
CONSEQUENCES:
Are they going to be caught? Lose her job, house
Problems created from past actions? Never finishes anything, not good enough
Good plans gone wrong? No one joins, daughter makes fun of her, other girls too
SOLVING PROBLEMS:
What is the major problem for this character? Can’t get ahead because she has no degree
What are they trying to solve? Keeping the house
Major change imposed on character? Goes back to college
Previous solutions cause new problems? Hide everything, pretend everything’s fine
RELATIONSHIPS:
Relationships in peril? Daughter and husband and boss
New relationships forming? New sorority sisters
Conflict inside relationships? Daughter thinks she’s having mid-life crisis, husband separated
Relationships changing? Emily and daughter, Emily and boss
DANGER / SURVIVAL / RISKS:
Can they survive X? College, ridicule, dean, other sororities sabotaging them
Putting themselves in danger / making dangerous decisions? Throw party with underage kids, job in jeopardy and future with husband and daughter
Who else is pulled into their danger? Lindsay, the other girls, Emily’s friends, her boss and co-workers
Internal dangers (drug addiction, need for medicine, inner demons)? Not good enough, never finishes anything
3. Tell us your top 5-8 Big Picture Open Loops that could be in your pilot.
· Will Emily finish college and get her degree?
· Can she defeat the dean for control of the house?
· Can she start a sorority?
· Can the relationship with her daughter be salvaged?
· Can her marriage sustain?
· Can she keep her job while going back to school?
-
David’s Show Mysteries
What I learned from this assignment is the value of having mysteries in both the pilot and throughout the series. Mysteries keep us wanting to know more, to watch more- constant tension which drives obsession.
ASSIGNMENT 1: RIVERDALE MYSTERIES
1. Who killed Jason?
2. What’s the motive?
3. Is Hiram Lodge behind this?
4. What exactly did Hiram do to go to jail?
5. Who framed Jughead’s dad?
6. What happened with Polly? Is she really pregnant?
7. Was there incest in Blossom family?
8. What secrets are the Blossom’s hiding?
ASSIGNMENT 2: FALL RUSH MYSTERIES
A. Shocking Event: Steve’s fired from school
B. Secret: Affair with student
C. Investigation: Dean investigates, help from other students
WWWWW and How: Steve and student./On-campus house/Night, when Emily’s away/serial womanizer/sex in a jacuzzi
Part Withheld: he was set up
2. Create the Over Time Mystery and tell us the WWWWW and H, along with the part withheld.
A. Cover up: Steve fired for having affair
B. Secret: Steve has some dirt on the dean
C. Reveals: Dean has shady business practices; mayor is involved (Emily works for him)
WWWWW and How: Dean/shady business partners/over time, funneling money/to care for sick wife/misappriates scholarships, donations
Part Withheld: Who are these partners? Why is the mayor involved? How deep does it go? Murder?
-
David’s Show Empathy/Distress
What I learned doing this assignment is the necessity of creating deep empathy and distress for your characters. It’s a vital ingredient to a show’s success- the more, the better.
ASSIGNMENT ONE: RIVERDALE empathy/distress
1. Jason’s murder rocks the town
2. Generational blood fued between Cheryl’s parents and Betty’s
3. Archie forced to choose football or music
4. Veronica moves into town, a pariah due to her dad
5. Jughead’s dad framed for murder
6. Archie ruins relationships, his parents divorced
7. Jughead has no where to live
ASSIGNMENT TWO: FALL RUSH
A. Undeserved misfortune. Steve cheats on Emily. Steve suspended for year. Emily’s fired from job. Dean sabotages her plan to start sorority. Mean sorority girls make fun of Emily. Lindsay’s estranged from her.
B. External Character conflicts. Emily and the dean battle over control of the house. Steve and Emily separate. Emily and Lindsay don’t communicate. Emily and mean sorority girls. Unintentional: Lindsay gets caught up in her struggles.
C. Plot intruding on life. Her class is difficult and she’s been out of school for 20 years. Her boss is a tyrant who ends up firing her. The dean does everything in her power to get the house back. A professor flirts with her. The sorority has only one member, is failing.
D. Moral dilemmas. Should Emily serve girls alcohol? Should they retaliate against the dean/other sororities? Should she give Steve another chance? Should she quit her job/find a new one? Should she date her professor?
E. Forced decisions they’d never make. Stand up to Madison in class. Tell off her boss. Ridicule the dean. Go after the other sororities. Throw parties to spite the dean, other sororities. Tell Steve to fuck off.
-
David’s Show Relationship Map
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of nailing down the specifics of your character’s relationships. This will drive conflict and create story lines.
ASSIGNMENT 1: RIVERDALE
ARCHIE & BETTY
Surface: best friends
Common Ground: live next door, grew up together, same age/interests
Conflict: dating wise. Archie thinks Betty is too good for him. Her parents dislike Archie. Conflict when Archie kisses Veronica.
History: (see common ground).
Subtext: They are meant to be together… eventually
Relationship Arc: best friends to possibly a married couple
ASSIGNMENT 2: FALL RUSH
EMILY & DR. ANDREWS
Surface: Enemies, both fighting for control of the house
Common Ground: They both live near campus, her husband teaches there, have seen each other over the years
Conflict: He thinks she’s uneducated, doesn’t respect her, belittles her occupation. She thinks he’s a pompous blowhard who doesn’t have a family. They both think the others’ values are wrong. She’s more carefree, he’s rules the campus with an iron fist
History: The dean hired her husband to teach, given the house to live in. They’ve seen each other at various meetups/parties and he always looks down on her for not finishing college.
Subtext: The dean doesn’t respect her at all
Relationship Arc: hostility to respect.
EMILY & LINDSAY
Surface: Mother and daughter, everything’s fine
Common Ground: Mother/daughter from same husband/father. Emily raised her.
Conflict: Lindsay’s an artsy rebel, thinks her mom is a Stepford wife, doing whatever Steve says. Doesn’t respect her completely for settling for an easy job/life. Thinks her mom is too controlling and too passive. Emily would like to bridge the gap, but doesn’t know how.
History: Mother and daughter. Conflict started when lindsay went to high school and became rebellious.
Subtext: Emily can’t communicate with her daughter; they’ve grown apart.
Relationship Arc: Strained relationship to close, harmonious one.
EMILY & ANNA
Surface: Sorority sisters; Emily’s a mentor/motherly figure to Anna.
Common Ground: same college, same sorority, both kind and sweet, both a bit socially awkward, both have been scorned by men/boys.
Conflict: Anna’s replacing Lindsay as daughter. Anna’s parents don’t like her being in a sorority, especially with a woman twice her age. Anna moves in which causes more conflict. When Steve returns home, conflict over where Anna should live. Generational differences, social media, etc.
History: They met in class when Anna picked up one of Emily’s fliers. She came to rush- the only one- then invited all her geeky friends to join. Anna moves into the house.
Subtext: By mothering Anna, Emily learns how to communicate with Lindsay
Relationship Arc: strangers in a classroom to very close friends/sisters.
-
David’s Character Emotions
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance/necessity of knowing your characters inside and out: what motivates them, what are they hiding, etc. The more well rounded the character, the better chance of the show’s success.
ASSIGNMENT 1: RIVERDALE
ARCHIE
A. Situational: Hope / Fear. Be a musician/not good enough
B. Motivation: Want / Need. To be with Valerie/Betty
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotions: Everything under control
D. Weaknesses: Gullible
E. Triggers: Mom leaving him and dad; relationships failing
F. Coping Mechanism: confronts dad to fix things
BETTY
A. Situational: Hope / Fear: She gets with Archie; she won’t
B. Motivation: Want / Need: To find murderer/straighten her own life
C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask: insecure/everything’s under control
D. Weaknesses: gullible, prideful
E. Triggers: any wrongdoing, esp with her own family
F. Coping Mechanism: used to stow it away, now lashes out
ASSIGNMENT 2: FALL RUSH
EMILY
HOPE: She can start a sorority, pass her class FEAR: she won’t, let the other girls down
WANT: to get her degree NEEDS: Respect, self-empowerment
PUBLIC MASK: Everything’s under control EMOTION: terrified/scared
WEAKNESS: never finishes anything/hates change
TRIGGERS: Someone being disrepectful to a friend/talking down to her
COPING MECHANISM: Shut down/drink wine/avoid
DR. ANDREWS
HOPE: He can regain the house FEAR: he won’t
WANT: to humiliate Emily NEEDS: forgive, not be so judgemental
PUBLIC MASK: In control of campus EMOTION: Scared of being defeated/belittled
WEAKNESS: prideful
TRIGGERS: Someone taking short cuts
COPING MECHANISM: Humiliate them
LINDSAY
HOPE: She reconnects with mom FEAR: she won’t
WANT: to go her own way NEEDS: reconnect with mom
PUBLIC MASK: Artsy rebel in control EMOTION: Insecure
WEAKNESS: stubborn
TRIGGERS: fake people, conformists
COPING MECHANISM: Shuns them, makes fun of them
ANNA
HOPE: She overcomes shyness FEAR: she won’t
WANT: to be popular NEEDS: be happy with who she is
PUBLIC MASK: Studious student EMOTION: Insecure, socially awkward
WEAKNESS: low self-esteem
TRIGGERS: boys rejecting her, social situations
COPING MECHANISM: cries, feels sorry for herself
-
David’s Intriguing Character Layers
What I learned from this assignment is the various depths you need to reach to have a compelling series. There must be a lot bubbling under the surface that shocks us when it arises. The more complex the characters, the more intriguing the show.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
1. Think about your Example Show. Make a list of the places you’ve already seen Character Intrigue in the previous episodes.
2. Watch the next episode and see how Character Intrigue is being used to create the need to see more episodes.
Character Name: Archie
Role: blue collar football player/music prodigy
Hidden agendas: Wants to go to music school
Competition: His dad, football players, the Bloom family
Conspiracies: With Cheryl to get music scholarship. With others to find killer.
Secrets: He was at river when gunshots were heard. Fling with Ms. Gundy
Deception: Lied about affair
Wound: poor kid whose dad wants him to follow in his footsteps
Secret Identity: musician
ASSIGNMENT #2:
Character Name: Emily
Role: secretary who goes back to college and starts a sorority
HIDDEN AGENDA
Emily wants to find a new relationship, a new job, new friends, a new life. Change everything in her past- her whole identity. What strategy or plan might this character put into action that they would hide from others? Divorce her husband. Angle for a promotion/new job. What hidden agenda could be most damaging to the other characters? Divorce/new relationship affects Steve and Lindsay. New sorority members affect Lindsay and her old friends.
COMPETITION
Obvious targets: Dean Andrews, Madison and the other sororities. The dean wants Emily to fail to reclaim the house. He enlists the other sororities to help. Madison cheated with Steve, setting up competition between her and Emily. Dean and Madison sabotage Emily’s efforts.
CONSPIRACY
How to: Involve this character in a covert plan that requires other characters to carry out. We know the dean’s sabotaging them. Maybe Emily and the girls have secret plan to destroy other sororities or ransack dean’s office.
Questions: What covert plan could require a conspiracy to accomplish? Which characters could be working together covertly against others? Emily, her friends, and sororities team together to gain acceptance from national chapter, set up a plan to harm other sororities.
SECRETS
How to: Assume your character has a secret that is important to this story. Considering the plot and other characters, brainstorm possible secrets. Emily had an abortion. Emily wasn’t cool enough to be part of a sorority/never got a bid. Only person in family not to go to college. Had sweetheart crush that comes back into life. Steve wanted an abortion, turned out to be Lindsay. Emily’s dad was a professor. No one in Emily’s family ever went to college.
Question: What secrets could this character have that will shock the audience when revealed? She went to jail, has a record. Almost had an abortion (Lindsay). She slept with her boss. She used to do drugs.
DECEPTION
How to: Make a list of all the reasons this character might deceive others. As you do, consider times they might choose to lie, but also situations where they may be forced to hide something. Lie about relationship with professor. Not tell Lindsay truth about sorority/Anna. Lie about her age to frat guy. Lie about having husband. Lie to boss about having degree. Lie about Steve cheating on her. Lie about her ambitions.
Questions: What major deception could they either cause or be part of? When are they lying and what are they lying about? Lies to Lindsay about starting a sorority- afraid of what she’ll say.
WOUND
How to: Search for a wound that would cause this character to react in ways that either incapacitate them or cause damage to others. She never finished college. Steve/boss/dean thinks she’s uneducated and will never be more than just a secretary.
Question: What might be this person’s biggest loss in their past that fits this show? What coping mechanisms might that cause? What problems might it cause for the other characters? Never finishing college due to being pregnant. She pretends it doesn’t matter, that she’s happy with her life, her family, her choices. Steve, dean, and Lindsay (to a certain extent) don’t respect her. It prevents her from getting ahead at work.
SECRET IDENTITY
How to: Not all characters have a secret identity, but for today’s assignment, assume that each of your characters do and then work to find it. Try on different possibilities to see if any of them fit for the character and the story. Possible identities: Wounded warrior. When the chips are down, she’ll come through- even if no one else believes her. Baker/politician. Possible career choices after she graduated.
Questions: What possible secret identities could this character have? How could that cause problems for this character and/or the other characters in the show? This could cause problems with her boss, wanting a new job. With Steve, finding a new relationship. With Lindsay, possibly drawing her more apart.
Character Name: Dr. Andrews
Role: Dean of school
Hidden agendas: Reclaim the house
Competition: Emily and her sorority
Conspiracies: Sabotage with help of other sororities
Secrets: His dad was ruthless in pushing him
Deception: He’s ruthless, but really not
Wound: Not having own family
Secret Identity: The Ultimate Educator
**************
Character Name: Lindsay
Role: Daughter, enrolled in out of state college
Hidden agendas: to get away from mother, start new life
Competition: Anna and the girls
Conspiracies: To spend a year abroad
Secrets: she’s terribly insecure
Deception: Artsy rebel, her whole persona
Wound: she didn’t fit in as teenager
Secret
Identity: globe trotting journalist -
David’s Engaging Main Characters
What I learned from this assignment is how vital your show’s main characters are to the success of the show. It’s everything. If we have characters we fall in love with, we’ll follow them to the end. And to maximize engagement, all six models need to intrigue us.
ASSIGNMENT 1: RIVERDALE
A. Role in the show:
ARCHIE: High school football player/aspiring musician who’s falling for a teacher
BETTY: Archie’s best friend who struggles with standing up to her mother
VERONICA: New in town, Betty & Archie’s friend who’s trying to bury her past
CHERYL: Spoiled rich girl who’s trying to break out of her mother’s authority
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise:
ARCHIE: jock or artist? Berry or Ms. Gundy?
BETTY: To keep Archie in line, moral conscience
VERONICA: to not be the spoiled brat she used to be
CHERYL: to discover her brother’s murderer, be the queen bee of the school
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?
ARCHIE: He’s having fling with Ms Gundy, was at the river the day of the shooting
BETTY: Her sister Polly was sent away after dating Jason, kid who was killed
VERONICA: Her dad’s in jail for embezzlement
CHERYL: She was with her brother when he died. Did she do it?
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?
ARCHIE: Having sex with teacher
BETTY: Breaks into Gundy’s car, does fake interview with her, dates Trev just to get info
VERONICA: Tries to find out what mom is up to, snooping around
CHERYL: Invites Veronica to party as way to interrogate her about Jason
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next?
ARCHIE: Football or music?
BETTY: Keep trying to solve crime. What about Archie now that Gundy left town?
VERONICA: Who will she date? Archie, perhaps. What about mom and the biker gang?
CHERYL: What will happen at sleepover? And at Jason’s funeral?
F. Empathetic: Why do we care?
ARCHIE: Torn between two loves- football and music. Nice kid, friendly.
BETTY: Girl next door Sweetheart who always listen to mom. Trying to break free.
VERONICA: Victim of father’s crime. Trying to change her past ways.
CHERYL: Her brother died. Her mom’s sort of a monster.
ASSIGNMENT #2: FALL RUSH
Emily’s journey: a timid secretary who learns empowerment by going back to college and starting a sorority.
The main characters are EMILY, LINDSAY, STEVE, DR. ANDREWS and ANNA
A. Role in the show:
EMILY (40): Secretary who goes back to college and starts a sorority to stay in her home
LINDSAY (18): artsy/rebellious teenager who attends an out of state college
STEVE (40): Brilliant, charming professor who’s fired for having sex with a student
DEAN ANDREWS (60): pompous dean of the college who battles Emily for control of the on-campus house
ANNA (18): Socially awkward, super smart student who joins Emily’s sorority
B. Unique Purpose / Expertise:
EMILY: A timid, middle-aged secretary who goes back to college & starts a sorority. Her expertise is being a great mom- she’ll be one for the sorority girls.
LINDSAY: Conflict with Emily, whom she sees as a Stepford mom. The change in Emily will be seen through Lindsay’s eyes.
STEVE: Professor of ethics who cheats on his wife, causing Emily to change.
DEAN ANDREWS: Battle Emily over the house, sabotaging her efforts
ANNA: Teaches Emily how to reconnect with Lindsay and Emily teaches her about life
C. Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?
EMILY: She suppressed all her ambitions for the sake of her husband and daughter, who both left her.
LINDSAY: She’s rebellious, but at heart she loves her mom
STEVE: He’s been cheating on Emily for years
DEAN ANDREWS: His father was rough on him; he believes he’s pushing students to be better
ANNA: She’s never had a boyfriend, never kissed a boy
D. Moral Issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?
EMILY: Flirting with frat boy and professor, giving teenagers alcohol, telling the boss off
LINDSAY: Sneaking drinks into bedroom
STEVE: Cheating on Emily with coeds
DEAN ANDREWS: Sabotaging Emily’s efforts, enlisting other students
ANNA: Drinking, staying up late, going to parties
E. Unpredictable: What will they do next?
EMILY: Throwing a huge bash at the house, telling the boss and husband to fuck off, will she be able to graduate? Fall in love again? Reconnect with daughter?
LINDSAY: Rebel further or make up with mom? Date frat guy or dump him?
STEVE: Come back and try to win Emily’s affection?
DEAN ANDREWS: How far will he go to sabotage Emily and reclaim the house?
ANNA: Date Noah? Start going down a wayward path?
F. Empathetic: Why do we care?
EMILY: 40 year old secretary who gets cheated on by her husband and a strained relationship with her daughter. She devoted her life to her family and now it’s gone. Can she pick up the pieces and start over again? Or is she too old to change?
LINDSAY: Rebellious teenager we can relate to. She’s sweet just going through a phase, trying to find her own way/voice.
STEVE: Married for 20 years, relationship in a rut. He’s charming and intelligent.
DEAN ANDREWS: It’s his job to push students. His dad made him this way.
ANNA: Sweet and socially awkward, very likable/relatable.
-
David’s Three Circles of Characters
What I learned from this assignment is the importance of centering each episode around the main characters- ‘keep the main thing the main thing.’ The level beneath this is interacting, supporting characters, and all the others will ramble in and out of the main characters’ lives.
ASSIGNMENT 1:
A. MAIN CHARACTER CIRCLE: Archie, Betty, Veronica
B. CONNECTED CIRCLE: Chuck, Cheryl, Ms. Gundy, Betty’s mom, Kevin, Veronica’s mom, Archie’s dad
C. ENVIORNMENT CIRCLE: Weatherby, football coach, Pop, other students and teachers
ASSIGNMENT 2:
A. Main Characters Circle: Emily, Lindsay, Steve, Dean Andrews, Anna
B. Connected Circle: Emily’s friends, Emily’s boss, Madison, Christopher, frat guy, Zena, Giana
C. Environment Circle: other sorority girls, other frat guys, Doris the receptionist, Emily’s co-workers, Robin, real estate agent, registrar
EMILY (39), is a timid, middle-secretary who never finished college. She’s cute, smart, and sweet… if only someone could convince her.
LINDSAY (18) is Emily’s daughter, an artsy rebel who attends an out of state college- mostly to get away from her cloying mother.
STEVE (40) is Emily’s husband, a charming, highly intelligent professor with a wandering eye.
DEAN ANDREWS- sorry, DR. ANDREWS (60s) is the tweed-wearing, pompous dean of the college where Steve teaches. He believes in education above God Herself.
ANNA (18) is an insecure, super smart student whose idea of a social life is Netflix & chill… by herself.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by David Penn.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by David Penn.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by David Penn.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
-
TV show: RIVERDALE
What I learned from this assignment was the importance of big hooks and open loops (and empathy for the characters, of course). In virtually every scene, one of the 5 star points was illustrated. A few scenes contained multiple points. The pilot creates obsession because there are so many mysteries/open loops to solve and you’re engaged with the characters.
I. EXT. RIVERDALE
Aerial view, then shots of town, VO about the town has secrets.
II. EXT. CAR, DRIVING
50’s sign, car, and music, VO ‘what the Blossom twins did this summer’
III. EXT. LAKE
Boat ride, Cheryl on rock, Jason dead. Dragged river. See riverbed, Betty’s mom glad. ‘Burn in hell.’ BIG HOOK: Jason died. Who did it?/EMPATHY/DISTRESS for Cheryl, town.
IV. DINER
Jughead typing story, doing VO
V. SHOTS CHERYL and JASON
VO about how he drowned
VI. CAR DROPS OFF VERONICA
New Mystery appears. AMAZING/INTRIGUING CHARACTER: Veronica described as ‘new mystery’
VII. APARTMENT
Smithers, knows town, V’s mom. Used to have $
VIII. EXT./INT BETTY’S HOUSE
Betty and gay friend, gonna see Archie. Betty likes him. EMPATHY: Betty’s too shy to ask him out.
IX. EXT/INT DINER
Betty and Archie, talk about summer. ‘One summer can change anything.’ Archie writes songs. Only tells her. Veronica shows up- Archie’s intrigued. Betty’s mentor. AMAZING/INTRIGUING CHARACTER: Archie writes songs, friendship between him and Betty. Is it more? Does he prefer Veronica?/EMPATHY for Betty- doesn’t get chance to ask A out
X. EXT/INT ARCHIE’S HOUSE
Talks dad about working at company. EMPATHY for A, stuck working with dad.
XI. EXT/INT BETTY’S HOUSE
Mom’s demanding, mentions Polly (sister). Refilled Adderall. EMPATHY for Betty, having deal with demanding mom.
XII. EXT/INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Locker, Archie’s ripped, talks with friends about football
XIII. INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Betty gives Veronica tour. Gay friend mentions V’s dad. DISTRESS for V- what happened with dad? OPEN LOOP: What happened?
XIV. INT HIGH SCHOOL
Archie walks music room, talks to Josie & Pussycats. EMPATHY for A, not allowed to show music.
XV. INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Hallway. V asks B if A’s her boyfriend. V asks who’s Jason, what happened?
XVI. INT. AUDITORIUM
Cheryl gives eulogy in front of students. Formal’s staying. Looks between A and Ms. Gundy
XVII. FLASHBACK
Gundy giving A a ride, then fucking/intercut with previous scene. AMAZING/INTRIGUING CHARACTER: Archie has sex with teacher- not the all-American kid we thought.
XVIII. INT. HIGH SCHOOL
A asks Gundy to teach him music. Stand offish. EMPATHY/DISTRESS for Archie- awkward situation after sex.
XIX. EXT/INT CONSTRUCTION COMPANY
V’s mom asks for job, used to date A’s dad. EMPATHY for V and her mom. The dad did terrible crime.
XX. EXT. HIGH SCHOOL
V sits with B & A. A plays music for B. Cheryl sits down. Invites V to cheerleading. Cheryl talks down to B. V helps B, show moves. EMPATHY for Betty, not making squad last year, called fat.
XXI. INT. MUSIC ROOM
A shares music with Gundy; she refuses. Talk about shooting- they heard it. She couldn’t explain why together. OPEN LOOP: Will they ever say something?
XXII. INT. GYM
Cheerleading tryouts. They kiss. V defends B, turns table on Cheryl. C asks about Polly, had breakdown after dating Jason. B hides it, is nice. V says they’re a package deal. AMAZING/INTRIGUING CHARACTER: Veronica helps Betty. DISTRESS for Betty not making squad at first.
XXIII. EXT. FOOTBALL PRACTICE
A made varsity, not sure time commitment, got Jason’s number, lies about dad’s company. OPEN LOOP: Will A commit?
XXIV. INT. LOCKERROOM
B & V are cheerleaders.
XXV. EXT. STREET
V tells B what happened to her. Wants a fresh start. B talks about Polly & Jason. Blames her mom. ‘Broke her.’… V forces B to ask A to dance. Asks for both of them, A accepts. EMPATHY for Veronica, talking about past. DISTRESS for Betty asking A out.
XXVI. INT. BETTY’S BEDROOM
B stands up to her mom. ‘Won’t allow it.’ DISTRESS for Betty, standing up to mom. OPEN LOOP: How will this progress?
XXVII. EXT./INT. V’S MOM APARTMENT
Missing bag full of money. OPEN LOOP: Where did it come from?
XXVIII. EXT. PORCH, A’S HOUSE
A and his dad argue. A lied to both. Doesn’t want be like dad. Dad gives advice. DISTRESS for A, lying. OPEN LOOP: Which path with A take?
XXIX. INT. DANCE HALL
B, V, A. Music or football? Deadline weekend. A and Gundy. Talk about secret. DISTRESS for A and Gundy. Set up music lessons…. Cheryl announces Jose & Pussycats… A & B dance… B about to ask A out, he looks at Gundy. Cheryl wants invite them aftermath, ‘in the mood for chaos.’
XXX. EXT/INT. CHERYL’S HOUSE
Spin the bottle, between B & V. A & V go closet, ask questions, kiss. Come out and B’s gone. Cell phone off. EMPATHY for Betty- where is she?
XXXI. EXT/INT V’S HOUSE
V and his mom.
XXXII. EXT/INT. DINER (POP’S)
A comes in, Jughead VO. ‘Looking for girl next door.’ They talk about Jason. Archie did something to him in past. OPEN LOOP: What happened in the past?
XXXIII. EXT. BETTY’S HOUSE
A meets B, talk. ‘If you love me.’ A says not good enough for you. VO ‘two hearts broke that night.’ EMPATHY/DISTRESS for A & B./OPEN LOOP: What happens now?
XXXIV. EXT. LAKE
Kevin & Moose see dead Jason in water. Shot. VO, ends with someone was arrested (first). Town shadows & secrets. BIG HOOK: Who did it?/OPEN LOOP: Who will be arrested?
INVITING OBSESSION: Combination of big hooks and open hooks. 1) who killed Jason? 2) who will be arrested 3) Will Archie choose football or music 4) Will he choose Betty or Veronica 5) What will happen now with Betty and her mom? 6) Will we ever see Polly? 7) What did Veronica’s dad do? 8) Will Cheryl change after what Veronica said 9) What happened between Archie and Jughead 10) Will Moose and Kevin develop a romance 11) Will Archie and his dad talk like they used to? 12) Will Archie and Gundy continue romance 13) Will they say anything about shotgun blast
-
I don’t know where to post the assignment, so I guess I’ll do it here…
TV show: RIVERDALE
What I learned from this assignment was the importance of big hooks and open loops (and empathy for the characters, of course). In virtually every scene, one of the 5 star points was illustrated. A few scenes contained multiple points. The pilot creates obsession because there are so many mysteries/open loops to solve and you’re engaged with the characters.
I. EXT. RIVERDALE
Aerial view, then shots of town, VO about the town has secrets.
II. EXT. CAR, DRIVING
50’s sign, car, and music, VO ‘what the Blossom twins did this summer’
III. EXT. LAKE
Boat ride, Cheryl on rock, Jason dead. Dragged river. See riverbed, Betty’s mom glad. ‘Burn in hell.’ BIG HOOK: Jason died. Who did it?/EMPATHY/DISTRESS for Cheryl, town.
IV. DINER
Jughead typing story, doing VO
V. SHOTS CHERYL and JASON
VO about how he drowned
VI. CAR DROPS OFF VERONICA
New Mystery appears. AMAZING/INTRIGUING CHARACTER: Veronica described as ‘new mystery’
VII. APARTMENT
Smithers, knows town, V’s mom. Used to have $
VIII. EXT./INT BETTY’S HOUSE
Betty and gay friend, gonna see Archie. Betty likes him. EMPATHY: Betty’s too shy to ask him out.
IX. EXT/INT DINER
Betty and Archie, talk about summer. ‘One summer can change anything.’ Archie writes songs. Only tells her. Veronica shows up- Archie’s intrigued. Betty’s mentor. AMAZING/INTRIGUING CHARACTER: Archie writes songs, friendship between him and Betty. Is it more? Does he prefer Veronica?/EMPATHY for Betty- doesn’t get chance to ask A out
X. EXT/INT ARCHIE’S HOUSE
Talks dad about working at company. EMPATHY for A, stuck working with dad.
XI. EXT/INT BETTY’S HOUSE
Mom’s demanding, mentions Polly (sister). Refilled Adderall. EMPATHY for Betty, having deal with demanding mom.
XII. EXT/INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Locker, Archie’s ripped, talks with friends about football
XIII. INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Betty gives Veronica tour. Gay friend mentions V’s dad. DISTRESS for V- what happened with dad? OPEN LOOP: What happened?
XIV. INT HIGH SCHOOL
Archie walks music room, talks to Josie & Pussycats. EMPATHY for A, not allowed to show music.
XV. INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Hallway. V asks B if A’s her boyfriend. V asks who’s Jason, what happened?
XVI. INT. AUDITORIUM
Cheryl gives eulogy in front of students. Formal’s staying. Looks between A and Ms. Gundy
XVII. FLASHBACK
Gundy giving A a ride, then fucking/intercut with previous scene. AMAZING/INTRIGUING CHARACTER: Archie has sex with teacher- not the all-American kid we thought.
XVIII. INT. HIGH SCHOOL
A asks Gundy to teach him music. Stand offish. EMPATHY/DISTRESS for Archie- awkward situation after sex.
XIX. EXT/INT CONSTRUCTION COMPANY
V’s mom asks for job, used to date A’s dad. EMPATHY for V and her mom. The dad did terrible crime.
XX. EXT. HIGH SCHOOL
V sits with B & A. A plays music for B. Cheryl sits down. Invites V to cheerleading. Cheryl talks down to B. V helps B, show moves. EMPATHY for Betty, not making squad last year, called fat.
XXI. INT. MUSIC ROOM
A shares music with Gundy; she refuses. Talk about shooting- they heard it. She couldn’t explain why together. OPEN LOOP: Will they ever say something?
XXII. INT. GYM
Cheerleading tryouts. They kiss. V defends B, turns table on Cheryl. C asks about Polly, had breakdown after dating Jason. B hides it, is nice. V says they’re a package deal. AMAZING/INTRIGUING CHARACTER: Veronica helps Betty. DISTRESS for Betty not making squad at first.
XXIII. EXT. FOOTBALL PRACTICE
A made varsity, not sure time commitment, got Jason’s number, lies about dad’s company. OPEN LOOP: Will A commit?
XXIV. INT. LOCKERROOM
B & V are cheerleaders.
XXV. EXT. STREET
V tells B what happened to her. Wants a fresh start. B talks about Polly & Jason. Blames her mom. ‘Broke her.’… V forces B to ask A to dance. Asks for both of them, A accepts. EMPATHY for Veronica, talking about past. DISTRESS for Betty asking A out.
XXVI. INT. BETTY’S BEDROOM
B stands up to her mom. ‘Won’t allow it.’ DISTRESS for Betty, standing up to mom. OPEN LOOP: How will this progress?
XXVII. EXT./INT. V’S MOM APARTMENT
Missing bag full of money. OPEN LOOP: Where did it come from?
XXVIII. EXT. PORCH, A’S HOUSE
A and his dad argue. A lied to both. Doesn’t want be like dad. Dad gives advice. DISTRESS for A, lying. OPEN LOOP: Which path with A take?
XXIX. INT. DANCE HALL
B, V, A. Music or football? Deadline weekend. A and Gundy. Talk about secret. DISTRESS for A and Gundy. Set up music lessons…. Cheryl announces Jose & Pussycats… A & B dance… B about to ask A out, he looks at Gundy. Cheryl wants invite them aftermath, ‘in the mood for chaos.’
XXX. EXT/INT. CHERYL’S HOUSE
Spin the bottle, between B & V. A & V go closet, ask questions, kiss. Come out and B’s gone. Cell phone off. EMPATHY for Betty- where is she?
XXXI. EXT/INT V’S HOUSE
V and his mom.
XXXII. EXT/INT. DINER (POP’S)
A comes in, Jughead VO. ‘Looking for girl next door.’ They talk about Jason. Archie did something to him in past. OPEN LOOP: What happened in the past?
XXXIII. EXT. BETTY’S HOUSE
A meets B, talk. ‘If you love me.’ A says not good enough for you. VO ‘two hearts broke that night.’ EMPATHY/DISTRESS for A & B./OPEN LOOP: What happens now?
XXXIV. EXT. LAKE
Kevin & Moose see dead Jason in water. Shot. VO, ends with someone was arrested (first). Town shadows & secrets. BIG HOOK: Who did it?/OPEN LOOP: Who will be arrested?
INVITING OBSESSION: Combination of big hooks and open hooks. 1) who killed Jason? 2) who will be arrested 3) Will Archie choose football or music 4) Will he choose Betty or Veronica 5) What will happen now with Betty and her mom? 6) Will we ever see Polly? 7) What did Veronica’s dad do? 8) Will Cheryl change after what Veronica said 9) What happened between Archie and Jughead 10) Will Moose and Kevin develop a romance 11) Will Archie and his dad talk like they used to? 12) Will Archie and Gundy continue romance 13) Will they say anything about shotgun blast
-
Hi everyone… my name is David Agnew Penn, I’ve written about 30 scripts (1 produced, 4 optioned). I’m hoping to absorb as much knowledge as possible to improve my skills. Something unique? I spent six months in Costa Rica (and still can’t speak Spanish:)
-
My name is David Agnew Penn and I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
-
Absolutely! Please send to davidagnewpenn@gmail.com
-
Looks like you nailed it, particularly the subtext of both characters. Well done, Yanni- once again.
-
You’re very kind, Yanni; I blush… yeah, I think I did borrow (okay, steal) the idea of a writer and a producer from your first scene:)
-
There’s a lot to like here- you’re obviously a very talented writer… the precocious girl- terrific character- reminded me of KICK ASS. In the movie, she was 11 years old and deadly. I know others have mentioned this, but I think the scene would have more impact if she was a pre-teen and capable of murder. Suggestion: you could replace the bathroom with bedroom, the bath with homework (the renegade girl says she did it, but it’s obvious she didn’t and the father doesn’t know how to deal with the situation) and keep the other elements.
-
Thank you! Much appreciated.
-
Great scene, Anna. You definitely have the most original/intrigue setting- and you pulled it off. Kudos! I guess the only ‘note’ (and I use that term loosely) is showing more of Robert- sorry, Robulus- gregarious/smooth traits. Perhaps, just spitballin’ here… start with Robulus entertaining the gang with a story, then when the laughter dies down, bring up his stance on the freedman. And maybe after claiming that Messalina has sex with the guards- and everyone laughs- throws in a lil’ joke about him wishing to be a guard. More laughter ensues before Centurian appears.
-
Thanks, Anna. I will incorporate this into the next draft… I think I’ll use the boat listing to one side causing the blonde and the dapper guy to get out of their chairs. Then the blonde suggests they hike the trail.
-
This a terrific scene, chocked with drama/tension and utilizing all the characters’ traits… honestly, the only ‘note’ I have- and it’s a mere suggestion- is an opportunity to show Trent’s meticulousness and his alleged wealth the first time we see him. Perhaps he drives a Ferrari and we see from the keys it’s a rental from a film set (shows he’s in Hollywood and the car’s not his). Then sees a smudge on the hood and wipes it off while admiring himself in the reflection.
-
Yeah, let’s do it! I’ll post mine in 7 & thanks for the kind words. I know yours is terrific; I’ll give feedback in 7 (though not much to give).
-
Nice to meet you, Leah… I prefer writing on my laptop:) Penn is my (ahem) pen name, a moniker given to me in my college days due to my Pennsylvania roots… funny story: during the 2000 Democratic Convention, I had the pleasure of driving Sean Penn around and, because of my nom de plume, I was mistaken for his brother. I didn’t bother to correct the misinformed.
-
Hi Deb,
I’ve never heard of D.A. as shorthand for ‘dumb ass.’ When I see DA, I think of District Attorney… anyway, love your concept- sounds fascinating.
David