David Thome
Forum Replies Created
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OK, the Big Win. 30-day screenplay finished in 54 days and sent to my writing partner.
A screenplay that I first tried writing 27 years ago. Feels good.
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Day 49–made it through to the point of starting the chronological edit. The hardest part for me was that I left a bunch of placeholders between the middle of act 3 and the start of act 4, and going back and filling is missing scenes is something I’m really not used to. I mean, every script (this was was No. 27) has missing scenes, but this is a thriller and they really have to line up.
The subsequent drafts went a bit more easily, but I found it difficult to separate scenes from structure from character, it felt like I was going back and forth between drafts. Still, the process worked. As I was puzzling over getting through from the middle of act 3 to the beginning of act 4, I kept having to re-outline–and then sat looking at the final outline, I realized that the last word I’d typed was the answer.
It took more than 30 days to get here, but out of all the scripts I’ve written, I’m pretty sure this is the fastest I got to this point. My guess is that the next one I do will go faster.
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Finished the first draft today. Way fun. Feels good. Really good.
Also emailed my tax info to my accountant. Also fun: Looks like a decent refund this year.
Two wins in one day.
Now, on to the next draft.
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Progress today. The climax is looking pretty good. I’m looking forward to when I get to Draft 2 to fill in the missing scenes and find out what happens between the Act 3 turning point and the climax.
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I was breezing along, then had a few speed bumps–thought I didn’t become a grandma–at the end of act 3. I’ve resumed and should be done with the first draft in a couples of days.
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So, in the midst of a course on how to fly through a screenplay in 30 days, I got grounded. I did move forward every day by writing the scenes for Lessons 17-19, but I felt lost, like I was going off the rails. And yet, I kept reminding myself that this is the 20% draft, so whatever I’d written on those days didn’t have to be perfect and didn’t have to be in order and maybe would end up being cut and so on.
And then, while I was on my daily walk, the insight came to me about what the third act turning point should be. It was suddenly so obvious, as if it was always there–and the stuff I’d written in previous three days actually fit and were leading to that point. Those scenes will need to be edited, but a bunch of stuff came together, including:
–I kept moving forward.
–I kept going back to the early work on character and the beat sheet to guide me on the scenes I did write.
–I let my unconscious mind work on things in the mean time–and the answers came.
–and once I knew the idea of what I needed to write to get from the middle scenes of Act 3 to the Turning Point, I sketched out a few placeholders for scenes and proceeded with the TP scene so I could move on to Act 4 and add the others during the rewrite.
The magic is working.
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I haven’t been posting after each assignment, but I did finish Act 2 two days behind. Still, the process has been going well, as I’ve been writing at least some pages every day. I wanted to cover two lessons on Thursday, and the Beat Sheet plus cool stuff just coming into being as I was writing on Wednesday made it easy to breeze though and get a little caught up.
At any rate, moving forward each day. This was an idea I first tried to write 25 years ago–twice–and got stalled around p. 40 each time. I’ve flown past that now, and every day I understand the story and the characters a little better. No stalling out this time.
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What I learned today…I’m wondering if being at page 10 is right for this turning point. Feels right. I don’t think where this passage ends should come any later.
INT. CAMERON’S BEDROOM–DAY
Cameron wakes up. A clock says it’s almost noon.
INT. CAMERON’S KITCHEN–DAY
Cameron throws out the coffee that his automatic coffeemaker brewed six hours earlier. He loads the hamper with new dark roast.
CAMERON
Make a new pot, please. Expresso roast.
COFFEEMAKER
Happy to do it, Cameron.
INT. CAMERON’S GAMING ROOM–DAY
High-tech looking. Lots of black and silver. Two very large, very sleek screens dominate a desk that has a dark, rich-looking wood top and black and silver legs. Everything is top-of-the-line.
Cameron comes in, freshly showered and carrying a fresh cup of coffee. With a wave of his hand, his gaming computer turns on. It beeps to notify him that his gaming buddy SPIKE is online. More sophisticated onscreen name.
Cameron sits in the space-age chair and clicks the notification. Spike appears. He’s paying as much attention to a game in progress as to Cameron. Some kind of first-person hunt-and-shoot game.
SPIKE
Where were you last night?
CAMERON
Not quite sure.
SPIKE
What did you do? Hit the clubs and pounding a bit too much of the Stoli Elit Himalayan?
CAMERON
If I tell you what I was really doing, I’ll have to kill you.
SPIKE
Then spill.
Cameron outs on VR goggles, logs into the game and starts playing alongside Spike.
CAMERON
You know how I’m working on that old movie they found when they were tearing down the Rivoli Theater?
SPIKE
Is it awesome?
CAMERON
You could say that. It talked to me.
SPIKE
You have to lay off the Stoli unti after work.
CAMERON
No. I mean, the movie talked to me. At least, one character did.
SPIKE
You’re shitting me.
CAMERON
I shit you not. The movie was going along until, out of nowhere, there’s this girl on a beach in 1958.
SPIKE
Jayne Mansfield type?
CAMERON
More Annette Funicello.
SPIKE
Good enough.
CAMERON
She doesn’t belong there.
SPIKE
How do you mean?
CAMERON
I mean. She doesn’t seem to be part of the movie. Like, someone grafted on a completely different bit.
SPIKE
What’s her name?
CAMERON
I stayed up all night trying to figure that out. I couldn’t find a thing about her.
SPIKE
How is that even possible?
There’s an explosion–in the game. Spike and Cameron’s avatars both dive to cover in the nick of time. Then they get up and move forward.
CAMERON
There’s something about this girl.
SPIKE
Oh-oh. I know what that means. Just don’t let your boss find out.
Another explosion. Cameron’s avatar writhes on the ground, with blood pouring from the place where its leg used to be attached to its torso.
SPIKE
Shit.
CAMERON
I have to get to work anyway. You can handle this on your own.
With a wave of his hand, the computer shuts down.
INT. FILMFIXER–CAMERON’S WORKSPACE–DAY
A little after lunch hour. Cameron is working on part of “Morning in Paradise,” a scene in which DESCRIBE. Richard comes in.
RICHARD
I hope the flex hours are due to the fact that you had your nose to the grindstone last night.
CAMERON
What time did you wake up this morning?
RICHARD
Seven. Like always.
CAMERON
That’s when I left.
RICHARD
Oh. So, you made good progress?
CAMERON
I did.
RICHARD
All right, then. But don’t make it a habit.
CAMERON
Making good progress?
RICHARD
Working goofy hours. If I don’t see your butt planted in that chair, I can’t tell if you’re really putting in the time.
CAMERON
You know, I’d laugh if I thought you were joking.
RICHARD
Just–
CAMERON
–stick to the task at hand.
Richard leaves. Cameron turns back to the task at hand. After he sneaks a quick rewind to get glimpse of Reina.
RICHARD
Who are you?
He goes up to the big screen and touches her face.
INT. FILMFIXER–CAMERON’S WORKSPACE–NIGHT
Reina on the screen. It’s not yet midnight, but Cameron looks at another unsatisfactory list of search results. He sighs, then turns off the console and heads out, turning off the light behind him.
EXT. FILMFIXER–NIGHT
Cameron exits and starts toward the parking lot. There are only a few cars still there in the dim light.
Cameron becomes aware that someone else is close by, in the shadows behind him. He turns. A woman in her mid-thirties steps into the light. She’s pretty: More Annette Funicello than Jayne Mansfield. This is NADIA MORGAND.
CAMERON
Can I help you?
NADIA
Are you Cameron Chaney?
CAMERON
Yes.
NADIA
My name is Nadia Morgand. My grandfather is Sol Baxter. The man who directed “Morning in Paradise.” -
What I learned today: Cameron is not a geek; he’s highly confident and competent. Ripe for a fall–good, I think, for a character who’s about to be conned.
INT. FILMFIXER–CAMERON’S WORKSPACE NIGHT
Using the console, Cameron switches between two images. The first is in the middle of a scene, but is interrupted by blotches. The other is a continuation of the scene–but the two don’t line up.
Cameron clicks a mouse–and the screen shows action from the end of the first clip to the next one. Cameron goes back and watches. The action is seamless.
Cameron saves his work, then turns off the console. The big screen goes dark. Cameron gets up to leave, but he stops and looks back at the screen. Then he turns the console and the screen back on and fast forwards to the place where Reina appears.
Cameron highlights Reina’s face.
CAMERON
Image search.
After a few moments…
COMPUTER VOICE
I’m sorry, there are no hits.
Cameron hits “play,” and Reina mugs, does a few clunky dance steps, and throws her arms open to the ocean and sky. And then she disappears–and after an after several obviously damaged frames flicker by, THE NEXT SCENE STARTS.
Another try, maybe with the whole sequence?
Cameron puzzles for a moment, then gets up.
INT. FILMFIXER–NIGHT
Dead silence–except for Cameron’s footsteps as he looks into the various offices and work spaces, making sure no one else is around.
INT. FILMFIXER–CAMERON’S WORKSPACE–NIGHT
Cameron locks the door behind him, goes to the console, opens the coding for the software he’s using and hits “copy.”
He studies the code on the big screen, the changes a line here and a line there.
He rewinds to a few frames before Reina appears, then hits “play.”
The action looks very much as it did before–but there’s sound now. The ocean and seabirds. And children playing in the b.g.?
This makes Cameron sit up. He watches intently until it gets to the end.
CAMERON
And then what?
Instead of just standing there frozen, Reina puts her arms down and looks directly at Cameron.
REINA
And then what, what?
Cameron is dumbfounded. Reina turns in a circle as she looks around.
REINA
And then what, what?
CAMERON
Are you…talking to me? -
Talking Pictures–opening scene
What I learned: My view of the hero is changing already!
INT. BUILDING DEMOLITION SITE–DAY
A plaque on a brick porch pillar says AD 1958. A WORKER hits the concrete capstone with a sledgehammer. Shards fly everywhere–but the concrete falls into an unexpected cavity.
The incredulous worker gazes into the hole. Others join him as he reaches in and pulls out a film reel.WORKER 2
The hell is that?WORKER 1
Looks like a movie.Worker 2 pulls out two more reels. There are still more.
WORKER 2
Whattya do with something like this?The workers look at each other and shrug.
INT. FILMFIXER—DAY
The workspace of CAMERON CHANEY has a desk with two screens and a console on it–but there’s also a screen that covers an entire wall. It’s about the size of a screen in a theater.
Boxes full of reels rest on a shelf. Cameron opens one and looks inside. His boss, RICHARD MACON, looks over his shoulder.RICHARD
I told them the original reels might come in handy. Everything they found in the time capsule has been digitized, but there are big chunks missing.CAMERON
Big chunks. The usual damage?RICHARD
In some cases. Also places where it seems that no footage exists.CAMERON
I looked all over for information on a movie called “Morning in Paradise.” Any information at all. It doesn’t exist.RICHARD
Apparently it went into turnaround.CAMERON
Someone still spent money on nine reels.Cameron sits at the console and opens a file. On the giant screen, a movie starts running. It’s grainy and in black and white. Even though it’s been restored, signs of scratches and bad edits are still apparent.
Cameron fast-forwards past scenes shot in some gritty L.A. locations and in the Mexican desert in 1958. He stops when a pretty young actress appears in a shot.
She looks to be about 20 years old–if that. She has an open, angelic face with eyes that sparkle. Nice figure. She’s wearing a WHAT IS THAT KIND OF OUTFIT WITH TWO PIECES that shows it off.
CAMERON
I recognize the other actors. Who’s this?RICHARD
No one knows.He goes up close to the screen and examines the actress.
CAMERON
Tell, me Richard, how does nobody know someone this gorgeous?RICHARD
It’s not our job to figure that out.CAMERON
They want us to do a restore without paying attention to the star?RICHARD
She’s not the star. Just some pretty girl. Maybe a “friend” of the director.Cameron examines the woman even more closely.
RICHARD
I know what you’re thinking, Cameron. You want to find out everything there is to know about this young lady. Get that idea out of your head. Get a crowbar and jerk it the fuck outta there, if you have to. Our job is to smooth things out, make the movie look nice so that other people can figure out the rest.Richard glares at Cameron. Cameron looks defeated.
CAMERON
Yeah. Sure. Stay focused on the task at hand.Richard leaves. Cameron looks back at the young woman. Something about her calls out to him.
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What’s happened over the past few assignments is that I focused on things that were already present in my beat sheet and theme. It just seems to me that Transformational Events are automatically going to be the skeleton of any kind of beat sheet or outline, and that it’s not easy to come up with a whole story without being cognizant of what the antagonist is up to every step of the way. I tried to separate the two arcs, but when I went back to add the antagonist’s arc, I found that much of it was there, but from the antagonist’s pov.
Anyway, it was good to examine these things with intention. I did move some parts around, and my understanding of the characters grew deeper. So the process is working.
FWIW, here’s the Beat Sheet for the first act of Talking Pictures:
Act 1: 25 to 30 pages — Set up and see Old Ways
EXT. BUILDING DEMO SITE—DAY
A worker opens a hole and finds a movie inside—Morning in Paradise
INT. FILMFIXER—DAY
Boxes full of reels are in Cameron’s workspace. His boss tells him he has to renovate it—and to stick to the job (Cameron has a habit of going off the path)
INT. FILMFIXER—NIGHT
Cameron runs the digitized movie through a program. The movie shows on a screen as large as one in a theater.
INT. CAMERON’S DREARY APARTMENT—DAY
Just to show his apartment and how he lives. He wakes up late and hustles to get to work. The boss is not happy.
INT. FILMFIXER—DAY
Cameron works on MIP. Not satisfied with the results. Waits till everyone else has gone home, then tweaks the software. Checks the results—Reina talks to him!
INT. CAMERON’S APARTMENT—NIGHT
Gaming. Tells a buddy what happened with Reina.
INT. FILMFIXER—DAY
Cameron’s late again. Hustles in. Boss not happy. A woman is waiting for him: Nadia.
She tells him her story about being an heir. He’s not sure because he’s afraid his boss will find out and he’ll get fired.
INT. FILMFIXER—NIGHT
Reina tells Cameron she was murdered. Cameron calls Nadia and agrees to work with her.
The get friendlier, then sleep together.
Turning Point: Leona shows up and threatens Cameron if he continues working with Nadia.
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Transformation Events for Cameron in Talking Pictures
I think I mostly looked at some decisions about the story/characters/arc/structure that have already been made; it seems that most of what I came up with are built in to the previous assignment. Not that I mind. I came away with a sense of affirmation.
Step 1: Cameron’s character arc
Starts as wounded, lonely, frightened dreamer
Ends as confident innovator intent on using his invention for good.
Old Ways:
· Obeys company orders to protect his less-than-satisfying job
· Denies his creativity
· Makes innovations in secret to avoid losing job
· Covers up his successes
· Avoids making waves
· Wounds make him fear intimacy with other people—and a love life impossible
New Ways:
· Accepts role as a disrupter
· Stands up for himself
· Advocates for positive use of AI to correct injustices
· Able to be intimate
Step 3: Make a list of 6 – 8 changes or steps that need to happen for that character to go from who they are in the beginning (Old Ways) to who they are in the ending (New Ways). Sequence the steps from easiest to most difficult.
Become open to intimacy with people (trust)
Help Nadia
Opens up to Reina—even though she’s not really a person
Be willing to stand up for himself (and trust himself)
Confront Leona
Gets fired from his job
Hacks into company database to get the software
Get past hurts from the past
Trust Nadia
Go beyond what’s safe (take risks)
Tweak the company software in secret
Defy his boss
Help Nadia
Do active research after Nadia is injured
Focus on someone else’s needs
Help Nadia with her inheritance claim
Commit more fully to Nadia after she’s injured
Commit to Reina
Commit to Leona after revelations show he misunderstood them
Confront those who’ve wronged him
Confront Leona
Confront Sol
Confront Nadia and separate from her once he knows she’s conned him
Embrace his own creativity
Tweak the software
Follow up when his software results in Reina—and others say the software doesn’t work that way
Take control of his own life
Get over his addiction/infatuation with Reina, who isn’t real
Break from Nadia when he has to
Call the cops so that Nadia finally gets “what she deserves”
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What I learned today: Lots of changes in the characters. Until this exercise, I wasn’t sure which if two characters was the antagonist, so I did antagonist interviews for both and it’s now clear (it’s Nadia). That’s spawned all kinds of ideas since.
INTERVIEW/Cameron (hero)
Tell me about yourself. I’m just regular guy. I grew up in L.A., with the movie industry all around me, and I fell in love old movies, and old Hollywood. All that seemed glamorous to me. The industry today seems to be so fragmented and cold. There was more romance in the olden days because you couldn’t just go online and look up everything about the lives of stars and directors and producers. I also loved, from early age, computers and games, but there wasn’t a way to combine those things. Then a friend and I developed an app to make film restoration easier, and it was great—but he ended up freezing me out of the process and taking all the credit and the money. I was broke and despondent, and I had no love life—or any kind of life—so when I got the job at BLANK, I decided to do what I was told, fit in and all that, but I felt that the software could be so much better. So I started messing around with it and came up with the algorithm search function that produced Reina. I was getting more info than I bargained for—but I couldn’t tell anyone. Not if I wanted to keep my job.
Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you? I wanted to be someone, to make a contribution that people would know about. That was supposed to be the app. But when I worked at BLANK, I just couldn’t help myself. I had a feeling the possibilities were a lot greater than I was seeing. I was also naïve. I bit off more than I could chew. But I also had this sense justice, and when Nadia told me about her grandma’s story, that pretty much obliterated my romantic view of old Hollywood, and the justice thing kicked in.
You are up against (Antagonist). What is it about them that makes this journey difficult for you? The first thing is, being naïve never serves me well. So of course I thought Leona and her brother were my enemies. I never suspected Nadia. I also trusted everything Reina said; never thought for a minute that someone might be misleading her to mislead me.
In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. Yeah, I’m not much of an action guy. I played a few first-person games with guns and stuff, but that in no way prepared me to deal with people trying to kill me in real life. I had to become more aware of my surroundings to keep safe—and I had to learn trust some people more and other people less, but judging character that way was never a strong point.
What changes do you expect to make and which will be the most difficult? I said I never had much of a love life. Then, all of sudden, I have Reina and Nadia. It sounds stupid, but even though I knew Reina wasn’t real, I felt more than just sympathy for what happened to her with the director and the baby and gangsters. And at the same time, I fell for Nadia. She thought I was really cool. No woman ever thought that about me before.
What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of? Trusting the wrong people. Figuring out who to trust. Because eventually I had to tell somebody about Reina and Nadia and (Director).
What fears, insecurities and wounds have held you back? You can’t tell people you got ripped off in a big business deal, because they won’t believe you. You have documentation. So that sucked. But not being great with girls—women—who do you talk to about that?
What skills, background or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist? Obviously the computer skills. Wanting justice for everyone, because I could empathize the Nadia because what happened to her is a lot like what happened to me.
What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know? Those particular insecurities. I had to play it close to the vest with Leona, but I was completely open with Reina and Nadia. You know, that was the worst, because after the app thing, I felt humiliated, like I’d been taken advantage of—and here I was, letting it happen again.
What do you think of (Nadia)? Even now, I don’t really hate her. She was being deprived of something that she deserved and that would make her life a whole better. But I get a sick, hollow feeling whenever I’m reminded of how she deceived me.
Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story. At first, I was really excited about Reina, because it meant that I was right, that the technology could be way better. It was even more exciting when Nadia approached me, because then it went beyond just the gee-whiz of the movie industry. My invention was capable of helping people get justice.
What does it do for your life if you succeed? I wouldn’t be broke any more, but important is that people would know about my contributions to film restoration and beyond. I’m tired of being broke and being played for a fool.
INTERVIEW/Reina (ANTAGONIST)
Tell me about yourself. I have an entire internet full of things I could tell you.
I don’t need that much. OK. I was born in the Midwest in 1938. Not somewhere happening, like Chicago. A small town, where not much happened most of the time. But we had a movie house, and I loved going to the shows. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be in the movies. So when I graduated from high school, I got on a train and headed for Hollywood. I spent a year scraping to get by, never coming even close to a change. I decided to move back to WHERE, but Sol got off the train just as I was about to get on. He said he wanted to put me in a movie he was about to make called Morning in Paradise. It sounded wonderful. So I jumped at the chance. All I had to do was give him…all this. I wasn’t proud of it, but it beat living on the street or sleeping in hotel lobbies and counting on nice ladies at diners for my meals. And I really was going to be in that movie.
Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses? I move around the internet pretty good. And, I’m not real, so it’s not like I can go to jail or anything for what I do.
Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? (Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change?) I’m not for or against anyone.
What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition? I remember when Nadia’s mother was born. It was the greatest moment in my life. Even better than when Sol said I would be in Morning, because it meant that I’d outfoxed him and the gangsters. I believed that once Reina was born, they wouldn’t hurt me.
What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin or death? I want justice for my granddaughter. That would make my life count for something. It would mean that I escaped my boring, little life and was part of something bigger.
What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity? I’m not sure I have control over any of that. Cameron wants certain things from me; Nadia wants certain other things.
Compared to other people like you, what makes you special? I’m real, but I’m not real in the same way that everyone else is.
What do you think of Cameron? He has his own tragic story, so I want him to get the things for himself that I want. But I also want Nadia to get what she deserves.
Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story. I never got to tell my side of the story, so I’m glad I get to do that now.
INTERVIEW/Nadia (ANTAGONIST)
Tell me about yourself. I was born in L.A.—in the shadow of Hollywood. From an early age, I was told that I was rightfully Hollywood royalty, but instead, my mother and I lived in poverty and disgrace. My mom cleaned houses for the rich and famous and wonderful. She deserved better. She should have had other people cleaning her house.
Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses? I’m not afraid to go after what I believe is mine. And Sol’s fortune is mine. I’m also a quick learner, so when I found out about Cameron’s software, I immersed myself in how the AI worked, in algorithms and that kind of thing and never hesitated to get acquainted with Reina. Thinking fast also helps me figure out how to get ride of Leona and her idiot brother—killing two birds with one bullet. I can deal with it when Reina rats me out, but since I’m highly motivated, it’s not a big decision to get Cameron out of the way, too.
Why are you committed to making Cameron fail? (Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change?) I’m not really interested in seeing Cameron fail. In fact, I’m not really interested in Cameron at all, except for what he can do to help me get what I deserve. He’s a fuckin’ dweeb, but I’ve slept with worse, so that part of it isn’t all that big a sacrifice. He’s pretty dim-witted, but as soon as he knows what I’ve been up to, well, he has to go.
What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition? First, the fuckin’ money. That’s number one. After that, it’s how people treat you if you have money. I’ve been kissing ass all my life; I’d like the satisfaction of having other people kiss my ass, too.
What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin or death? Being left out of the inheritance, out of the family fortune for my whole life, I’ve been dead my life. So what I really have to gain here is a life.
What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity? Obviously, I have to keep controlling Reina without letting Cameron find out. And I have to keep my identity secret from the Baxters as long as I can, because if they figure out who I am, I fucked. I have no doubt that they know what happened to my grandmother, Reina, but they just don’t care. But, “fear” and “insecurity?” What are they?
Compared to other people like you, what makes you special? I’m a rightful heir to a kingdom.
What do you think of Cameron? He’s obviously good at the tech stuff. But there are so many guys like that. So what? He’s a dweeb and he easy to fool.
Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story. I got gypped, and I want to get what’s mine. And I want a premium for pain and suffering. The Baxters have had it pretty good since they were born. It’s my turn. Why should I keep sharing with them?
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Dave’s Part 2 Profile
What I learned….more about the characters, which has illuminated the trajectory of the story more. Also, the relationships between the characters keep evolving, first when I do the assignments, and then later when something comes to me that I hadn’t considered before.
At any rate, one thing I’ve learned from writing 26 screenplays and nine novels is that from a single idea, everything is already there. The exercises here are bringing some of those things out a little earlier than I’m used to.Cameron Chaney
WHAT DRAWS US TO THIS CHARACTER? He’s smart, but also wary of being caught “breaking the rules.” Underdog, because he’s just a film restorer who’s never had to deal with people trying to kill him. He’s also eyes-wide-open and trusting and not good at judging who’s trying to con him.
Traits: Trusting. Loyal. Innovative. Wants to succeed, but doesn’t know how.
Subtext: Eagerness to please, make everyone get along.
Flaw: Too nice. Tends to side with whatever side of an issue he’s hearing at the moment.
Values: To be thought of as cool. Innovation is good, but so is following the rules.
Irony: He disobeys the company’s rules about messing with the software because he thinks it can be better. When it gets him in trouble, he doesn’t know where to go for help. The more he knows about Reina, Sol Baxter, the gangsters and Morning in Paradise, the more at risk he is—but he needs to know more to get out of it. He still has empathy even though he got screwed out of money and acclaim for the app.
What makes him the right character for this role? He’s a tech nerd. He got screwed out of money and acclaim by people he thought were his friends.
Reina Hawkins
What draws us to this character? She’s beautiful, but also naïve. She’s not afraid to tell her story the way she sees it. She seems as open and wide-eyed as Cameron—and he falls in love with her.
Traits: Straight-forward. Sweet. Seems to be honest.
Subtext: Hides behind her sweetness. Asks for help.
Flaw: She’s not honest.
Values: Truth—her way. Midwestern girl caught up in Hollywood scene.
Irony: Midwestern girl caught up in Hollywood scene. She’s dead, but she also knows all the players and is best equipped to solve the mystery. She can get Cameron to fall in love with her, but she’s only a figment of a data profile.
What makes her the right character for this role? Sweet. Midwestern girl who got the bad end of a very raw deal.
Leona Baxter
What draws us to this character? Beautiful. Worldly. The idea that maybe we all would like to inherit $100 million without having to wait another minute.
Traits: Kind of a sociopath. Manipulative. Desperate.
Subtext: Reacts harshly to anything she thinks is criticism—or that gets too close to the truth.
Flaw: Greed.
Values: Power, money, the adoration of others she considers her peers even thought they’re not because they’ve earned their acclaim.
Irony: Wants the values without doing the work. Lives a pretty easy life, but wants all the money.
What makes her the right character for this role? Manipulative abilities cloak her dark side.
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Dave’s character profiles for Talking Pictures
I know more about every character now, especially the antagonist and two characters that are central to the story (Reina and Nadia)
Genre
Thriller
CHARACTER PROFILES
Cameron Chaney
Role in the story: Hero (dreamer)
Age range and Description: 30s; kind of a regular guy; could be the kind of dude who plays video games in his mom’s basement all day.
Internal Journey: Make a splash in film restoration/AI.
External Journey: Tweaks the company software, then helps Nadia claim her part of the Baxter fortune.
Motivation: Recognition, then to survive, then he’s in love with Reina.
Wound: Got screwed out of the credit and money for an app he and a so-called friend developed.
Mission/Agenda: Show that his AI works, then help Nadia to get revenge on whoever tried to kill him.
Secret: Ambition.
What makes them special? He’s a hard-working innovator and who is willing to go the extra mile.
Leona Baxter
Role in the story: Antagonist (predator). She’s tired of her grandfather living so long and delaying her inheritance, so the prospect that she might have to share money with her brother and Nadia infuriates her.
Age range and Description: 30s to 40s. Beautiful, but a really crummy person. A liar and manipulator.
Internal Journey: None.
External Journey: Hasn’t been involved in murder before, but is willing to give it a try if there’s no option.
Motivation: $100 million all to herself.
Wound: She’s just fucking greedy—but her narcissism makes her think she’s a victim.
Mission/Agenda: Get Nadia and Cameron out of the picture.
Secret: Tries to convince she likes Cameron’s software and will bankroll him in a new company.
What makes them special? Will stop at nothing.
Reina Hawkins
Role in the story: Hero’s helper.
Age range and Description: 21 when she was murdered after giving birth to Nadia’s mom in 1958. Gorgeous, but also naïve.
Internal Journey: None (she’s a computer program).
External Journey: When she finds out who Nadia is…does she “feel” something?
Motivation: None
Wound: Was killed very young.
Mission/Agenda: None.
Secret: She can get info on Cameron, the Baxters—everyone and anyone. BUT, is she reliable? Does she “fall” for fake information that leads to complications and maybe even more murders?
What makes them special? 100% amoral. As far as anyone knows.
Nadia Morgand
Role in the story: Instigating event is that she seeks Cameron’s help in proving her case.
Age range and Description: 30s. Has been living in poverty and working low-paying jobs.
Internal Journey: Gain self-esteem.
External Journey: Asks Cameron to prove her case, then works with him—and feeds Reina false information.
Motivation: A big chunk of Sol Baxter’s $100 million.
Wound: Having been left out of the success, glamor and money.
Mission/Agenda: Get what she deserves.
Secret: She’s known about Reina her whole life, but could never prove anything. Plus, she may be feeding Reina tainted information.
What makes them special? Good at faking decency and kindness.
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<div>I had difficulty understanding what entailed a transformational journey for a character who solves a 100-year-old crime mystery–and then the ideas started coming by asking the questions posed in the lesson. Here’s what I came up with:</div><div>
Logline: A film restorer fights gangsters, a movie producer’s heirs and attempts on his life when he finds information about a 100-year-old movie that could cost the heirs some of their $100 million dollar fortune.
Internal Journey: From weak and fearful to strong and active.
External Journey: Goes after the people who threaten him.
Transformation: Cameron goes from being timid and fearful to confident and taking credit for his innovation.
Arc Beginning: Cameron won’t make waves at work because he’s afraid of losing his job. He secretly tweaks the AI film restoration software, but won’t tell anyone even when it more or less brings Reina Hawkins to life and starts revealing mob connections, how the film launched a movie fortune and Reina’s secret baby, whose granddaughter Nadia today has a right to make a claim on that fortune.
Arc Ending: After proving that Nadia has a claim to the fortune and fending off murder attempts by her grandfather’s heirs, Cameron emerges as someone who takes risks and accepts credit for his accomplishments.
Old Ways: Obeying company orders; denying his creativity; making innovations in secret; covering up his success; avoiding making waves.
New Ways: Accepts role as a disrupter; advocate for positive use of AI to correct past crimes and injustices.
</div>
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Dave has finished wordsmithing.
These past several lessons have been great–but mostly what I found out was how the whole buildup to doing the actual writing helped make it go faster.
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Does anyone know when Module 5 starts?
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Finished 4 and 5. Feels good.
At the very end–the last scene of Act 4–I realized that one problem I had not worked out in the topsy-turvey world of Blank Slate was how Salva would know she was dead in the baseline reality. I know the direction was to plow ahead, but this was the climax scene, for crying out loud. So I spent a few minutes using some of the brainstorming techniques to figure out things like who needs Salva to get back to their familiar lives, but that didn’t produce any results. Then I switched to figuring out how she would know this information–and IT WAS ALL THERE. She’s a scientist, for God’s sake. All I had to do was add one piece of information in an earlier scene, and the climax just happened.
Excellent.
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Act 3 first draft written. In the process, I found more extraneous material and repetition in my outline. Plus, as I got to the end, I finally figured out something that’s been bugging me all along–why does Joshua NEED to get back to the reality he started in? This does NOT bust my outline–it makes the pilot and the overall concept much stronger.
So far, so good.
As far as speedwriting goes–I don’t always have the time in a day to write and entire act, but I am writing this much faster than my usual pace.
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That took way too long in days, but that’s because I have to pay attention to my day job now and then. I can see how this whole process–the brainstorming, the organizing, the outlining–can lead up to being able to write a more-than-competent first draft in a few days.
It’s also become obvious to me that thought I did the assignments, my outline is not as taut as I hoped it would be. Act 2 is way too long–but I have lots of experience at cutting things back. That process already began as I realized that my outline included a few scenes that were redundant.
Anyway, I have succeeded at not writing a perfect Act 2. On to Act 3. The process is fascinating–and encouraging.
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The outlining is still working!
While writing Act 1, I found a couple of scenes that were unnecessary in the moment and in the long run, so I omitted them. What’s in those scenes is already in earlier ones, but I didn’t recognize it until I was writing them.
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Teaser is 7 ppg. I thought it would be shorter, but good stuff kept emerging from the outline, which isn’t to say that I diverged from the outline, but that the outline had everything in it that the teaser needed!
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This was a great step in the development of the outline, providing all kinds of new insights and answers to questions that existed going in. It’s great to see things filling in this way.
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What I learned: After doing all the groundwork, and keeping in mind to keep loops open, etc, putting together this stage of the outline was easier than I would’ve imagined at the beginning of the class.
I did end up going into my second episode, so I’ll have to revise that in the Pitch Bible. That’s cool.
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What I learned: Make sure future episodes and seasons are set up in the pilot.
I found that the setup that need to be in the pilot are in the outline…but I also saw one of the setups in a new light–the last one on this list. Going over the setup again made me realize that I need to make sure this aspect is fully developed.
BLANK SLATE BIG PICTURE SETUPS IN THE PILOT
· How will Joshua be able to get back to the baseline?
· How will being thrust into a different reality challenge Joshua?
· How will it change Joshua?
· What do the spies who were posing as scientists at the experiment want?
· What did Joshua see just before the explosion that makes him so valuable to all of the interested parties (the agents, Salva, Henna, Leila)?
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What I learned: Lots of empathy/distress moments are built into the outline because of the work that was done in the previous lessons. However, it’s helpful to be able to recognize those moments and ask whether they can be made stronger.
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What I learned: It seems as though mysteries and sub-mysteries and open loops and sub-open loops are already in the outline as the result of previous exercises. Still, this lesson provided clarity on the difference between mysteries and open loops.
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What I learned: As I was going through the exercise, it all looked very familiar because this is how I write scripts anyway. However, it was interesting to see it develop in outline form, because outlining is usually very frustrating and counterproductive for me–not good if I’m going to have to do it. So the unfolding process is illuminating.
Also, while doing this part, I found a bunch of new insights into the characters and plot lines. A breakthrough for me came when I realized that–and this is something Hal said in the discussion–not everything has to be or even should be spelled out in the pilot. The idea of hinting at (foreshadowing) layers and intrigue etc is what matters.
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What I learned: How to jack up intrigue and engagement by building reveals into the outline.
Teaser
Essence: Joshua’s part of a big experiment that’s goes wrong
Turning point: The lab blows up.
Leila—Beginning: Has visitors from other realities
Leila—Turning Point: Finds out that the experiment could be dangerous for Joshua
Layer: Leila is bad in science -> she has contact with people from other realities
Dramatic reveal: Leila seems to be talking to her science teacher -> real science teacher comes into the classroom.
Layer: The Experiment is groundbreaking and exciting -> the Experiment is risky and no safeguards are in place
Dramatic reveal: The person Leila’s talking to suggests that the Experiment won’t be performed in any other reality
Layer: Leila doesn’t trust her mom, worries about her stepdad
Dramatic reveal: She asks the person if her mom knows about the danger
Layer: There are other realities
Dramatic reveal: Leila asks real teacher about what the first person said; response is, “Garbage science. String Theory doesn’t support it. They’ll never perform the experiment
Dramatic reveal: Lab blows up
Act 1
Essence: Joshua is bored and disgruntled and turns down covering the experiment.
Turning point: He agrees to observe the experiment because it seems to be exciting and important.
Joshua—Beginning: Bored, almost defeated
· Layer: He’s sloppy on the job (bungles a minor assignment)
· Dramatic reveal: (In Act 2) Motivated to do careful, in-depth reporting
Joshua—Turning Point: Agrees to cover the experiment
· Layer: Joshua is a malcontent PR flak (like Fred) -> he was a high-powered journalist who was cheated out of a Pulitzer
· Dramatic reveal: The guy who got the Pulitzer is on TV to talk about his book based on the reporting that won him the award.
· Layer: Joshua loves Henna -> cracks in marital bliss
· Dramatic reveal: Woman at work flirts with him, suggests that Henna has had an affair, so why shouldn’t he be able to take his turn?
Salva—Beginning: Bitter about the past; overconfident about the experiment
· Layer: She’s a brilliant scientist interested in science that will benefit humanity -> is bitter over not having gotten recognition she thinks she deserves
· Dramatic reveal: (In Act 2)Lashes out when Joshua questions the science of the Experiment with diatribe about getter her due
· Layer: She’s completely confident that the experiment is safe -> knows it’s dangerous
· Dramatic reveal: Gets a visit from the American agent
· Dramatic reveal: After agent leaves, calls someone (Henna) that the Experiment will go ahead, no matter what
Act 2
Essence: The buildup to the experiment; hints that it could be dangerous—in different ways.
Turning point: After the explosion, Joshua’s in a different dimension
Joshua—Midpoint: The particle accelerator explodes, sending him into another reality
· Dramatic reveal: (Sloppy) Motivated to do careful, in-depth reporting
Salva—Turning Point: Joshua tells her about Leila’s fears
· Dramatic reveal: (Confident) Lashes out when Joshua questions the science of the Experiment with diatribe about getter her due; says she’s not afraid of dying
Salva—Midpoint: The particle accelerator blows up; she dies in the baseline
Leila— Midpoint: The particle accelerator blows up, confirming her fears
Act 3
Essence: Joshua discovers he’s in a different world, tries to negotiate it.
Turning point: The experiment has been delayed and will be run the next week.
Joshua—Major Dilemma: Accept his new reality or try to get back to the baseline
Leila—Turning Point 2: An interdimensional visitor tells her where Joshua and the others are; investigator questions her.
Leila—Major Dilemma: Should she work with investigators?
Leila—Major Conflict: She doesn’t trust Henna or the investigators
· Layer: Doesn’t trust Henna-> Overhears Henna talking to someone about the Experiment
· Dramatic reveal: Assumes Henna called investigators to set up interview
Salva—Turning Point 2: Learns she’s dead in the baseline and can’t go back
Salva—Major Dilemma: The Third Agent tells her (O.S.) that Joshua knows the wavelength, so maybe she wants him to live—but maybe in another reality, she knows the wavelength, so she might know the wavelength there (but it appears that the experiment only has or ever will be performed in the baseline, so it doesn’t matter to her if she gets credit for it) (Who would she tell this to? Or would Leila know?)
· Layer: Salva only interested in science for mankind -> wants to kill Joshua to get revenge
· Dramatic reveal: (Act 5) Shoots at Joshua in the parking garage, blows up his car
Act 4
Essence: Spies introduce Joshua to what a big deal the result of the experiment is.
Turning point: Car blows up
Joshua—Turning Point 2: He’s pursued by spies
Salva—Major Conflict: Whether to let Joshua live
Salva—Ending: Decides Joshua needs to die
Layer: Salva wants revenge on Joshua
Dramatic reveal: She shoots at him in the parking garage
Act 5
Essence: Joshua discovers that Salva is trying to kill him
Turning Point: Joshua’s car explodes; he sees Salva running off
Joshua—Major Conflict: Followed by spies. Salva is trying to kill him.
Leila—Ending: Has become Joshua’s only contact in the baseline.
· Layer: Leila reveals to Joshua that she has contact with people in other dimensions
· Dramatic reveal: She fills him in on what she knows about what’s happening in the baseline
Joshua—Ending: He has to survive and get back to the baseline—he confronts the American agent in a badass way
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What I learned: How to sort out what happens with each character within the structure of the pilot episode.
Teaser
Essence: Joshua’s part of a big experiment that’s goes wrong
Turning point: The lab blows up.
Leila—Beginning: Has visitors from other realities
Leila—Turning Point: Finds out that the experiment could be dangerous for Joshua
Lab blows up
Act 1
Essence: Joshua is bored and disgruntled and turns down covering the experiment.
Turning point: He agrees to observe the experiment because it seems to be exciting and important.
Joshua—Beginning: Bored, almost defeated
Joshua—Turning Point: Agrees to cover the experiment
Salva—Beginning: Bitter about the past; overconfident about the experiment
Act 2
Essence: The buildup to the experiment; hints that it could be dangerous—in different ways.
Turning point: After the explosion, Joshua’s in a different dimension
Joshua—Midpoint: The particle accelerator explodes, sending him into another reality
Salva—Turning Point: Joshua tells her about Leila’s fears
Salva—Midpoint: The particle accelerator blows up; she dies in the baseline
Leila— Midpoint: The particle accelerator blows up, confirming her fears
Act 3
Essence: Joshua discovers he’s in a different world, tries to negotiate it.
Turning point: The experiment has been delayed and will be run the next week.
Joshua—Major Dilemma: Accept his new reality or try to get back to the baseline
Leila—Turning Point 2: Gets a visitor who tells her where Joshua and the others are; investigator questions her.
Leila—Major Dilemma: Should she work with investigators?
Leila—Major Conflict: She doesn’t trust Henna or the investigators
Salva—Turning Point 2: Learns she’s dead in the baseline and can’t go back
Salva—Major Dilemma: The Third Agent tells her (O.S.) that Joshua knows the wavelength, so maybe she wants him to live—but maybe in another reality, she knows the wavelength, so she might know the wavelength there (but it appears that the experiment only has or ever will be performed in the baseline, so it doesn’t matter to her if she gets credit for it) (Who would she tell this to? Or would Leila know?)
Act 4
Essence: Spies introduce Joshua to what a big deal the result of the experiment is.
Turning point: Car bomb.
Joshua—Turning Point 2: He’s pursued by spies
Salva—Major Conflict: Whether to let Joshua live
Act 5
Essence: Joshua discovers that Salva is trying to kill him
Turning Point: Joshua’s car explodes; he sees Salva running off
Joshua—Major Conflict: Followed by spies. Salva is trying to kill him.
Joshua—Ending: He has to survive and get back to the baseline
Salva—Ending: Decides Joshua needs to die,
Leila—Ending: Has become Joshua’s only contact in the baseline.
<br clear=”all”>
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What I learned is how to outline the structure of each act.
Teaser
Essence: Joshua’s part of a big experiment that’s goes wrong
Turning point: The lab blows up.
Act 1
Essence: Joshua is bored and disgruntled and turns down covering the experiment.
Turning point: He agrees to observe the experiment because it seems to be exciting and important.
Act 2
Essence: The buildup to the experiment; hints that it could be dangerous—in several ways.
Turning point: After the explosion, Joshua’s in a different dimension
Act 3
Essence: Joshua discovers he’s in a different world, tries to negotiate it.
Turning point: In this reality, the experiment has been delayed until the next week.
Act 4
Essence: Spies introduce Joshua to what a big deal the result of the experiment is.
Turning point: Car bomb.
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What I learned doing this assignment is how to structure a first act.
· Intriguing Concept: An experiment sends a man into an alternate reality where he has to fight spies and assassins.
· Act 1: Joshua is feels like a failure who lives a boring life.
· Midpoint: The particle accelerator explodes, sending Joshua and three other people careening through alternate realities.
· Lock In: Salva attacks Joshua, the Chinese spy pumps him for information, the American spy tells him that he’d better cough up what he knows because it’s not just about him, but about the future of the world. Joshua commits to finding out what he knows and getting back to his baseline reality.
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I learned directly that outlining helps because it pointed out to me a flaw in my list of Season 1 Episodes. The Pilot needs to introduce the forces that will dog and threaten Joshua for the entire series.
SERIES INFO:
World: Parallel realities
Main mystery: What does Joshua know that the spies want to learn and makes Salva want him dead?
Impossible Goal: Get back to the Baseline
Main Conflict: The spies want the secret, but Joshua doesn’t know that he knows it
Second Mystery: Can Joshua survive the spies and Salva’s revenge agenda?
Season 1 Arc: Joshua goes from cynical nobody to being the center of international intrigue
Season 1 Protagonist Internal Journey: Joshua builds confidence by using skills he already has—and developing new ones.
PILOT INFO:
Pilot Conflict: Joshua is transported to an alternate reality where his life is upside down—and faces spies and attempts on his life.
Characters Introduced: Joshua, Henna, Leila, The Two Agents, Fred
Inciting Incident of Season 1: The particle acceleration blows up, sending Joshua, Salva and the agents into another reality—and killing Salva in the Baseline.
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What I learned–the idea of titles telling a story. Excellent. Also, in case anyone is reading these things, this lesson helped me sharpen up the Episode List, in part because of the concept of not repeating info already provided in earlier pages.
My episode titles:
Where’s Salva?
Things Keep Blowing Up
Salva/Salvation
Henna Gets a Call
I Remember You
What Experiment?
If I’m Not Here, Where Am I?
Not Going Anywhere
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What I learned today…using payoffs as launchpads into new intrigue and mystery.
I went through my bible and found several places where the intrigue could be ramped up.
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I saw in action the value of trying different ways to make writing engaging and intriguing.
Brilliant particle scientist Salva Seguir knows her multiverse-travel experiment is dangerous, but she won’t let that stop her from getting the credit she deserves for a major discovery.
A. Establish something shocking and point to the terrible things it could mean.
Salva Seguir’s experiment worked. Well, other than that it killed her and sent four other people hurtling into another reality.
B. Strong statement; question about something underhanded beneath the surface.
Salva Sequir knew her quantum wave theory experiment might kill someone. She never thought it would be her.
C. Question that points to hidden agendas, hidden identity, conspiracy, etc.
Salva Seguir wanted glory more than life itself. But when her risky experiment blew up, she was dead—and all she got was four people blasted into another reality and a chain of events that could lead to World War III.
D. Character 1 is convinced/worried/wondering that Character 2 has done _____________.
Salva Seguir is dead—and she’s sure Joshua Blank is to blame.
E. But maybe it is all wrong.
Salva Sequir is dead—and she’s sure Joshua Blank is to blame. Or maybe that’s just what she wants everyone to believe.
F. A Pattern that Leads to Future Consequences
Salva Seguir knew her quantum wave theory experiment would be dangerous. Not blasting-four-people-into-another-reality and setting off a race toward World War III dangerous. But, how do you know unless you try?
G. If he does ________________, that means ___Intrigue_____.
Just because Joshua Blank survived the blast that Salva Seguir engineered doesn’t mean he’s responsible. Right?
H. State the mystery.
What went wrong with Salva Sequir’s quantum wave theory experiment, and how did it start a chain of events that could lead up to World War III?
I. Should be/could be _______, but it is even worse.
Blasting a few people into another reality was on Salva Seguir’s list of risks she was willing to take to prove quantum wave theory. On the other hand, setting off a chain of events that could lead to World War III was not.
J. Intense language.
Salva Seguir wanted fame—and she was willing to risk dying in an experiment that could blast four people into another reality and set off a race to World War III to get it.
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What I learned from my investigation was…so much!
Every idea led to a cascade of ideas that covered questions such as “how can The Agents travel between realities?” Plus, I fleshed out an entire new character important enough to include in the Character Profiles: Joshua’s stepdaughter Leila, who is sensitive to other realities–and that led to discovering the Secret that Joshua knows that makes Salva want to kill him and the spies want to save him.
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What I learned: Getting interest in a show begins with an intriguing summary.
Series summary of Blank Slate
Joshua Blanks knows he has a lot to be grateful for. His wonderful wife Henna. The sound relationship he has with his daughter Leila. But being cheated out of that Pulitzer and then being downsized from his reporting job hangs over his life like a toxic cloud.
Today, though, his career is looking up. Today, his assignment is to observe a potentially groundbreaking quantum multiverse theory experiment. Something about sending a mouse into an alternative reality. It doesn’t sound all that great, but at least it’s serious, and it makes him feel a little like the respected newsman he once was.
Until the particle accelerator blows up.
Joshua finds himself in another reality where things aren’t as good as in his “baseline” existence. His relationships with Henna and Leila are a mess. He keeps skipping from one random alternative reality to another, perpetually knocking him off balance and forcing himself to fake his way through his own life.
Worse, he’s being pursued by international spies who don’t have his best interests at heart. Worse than that, someone is trying to kill him. And worst of all, that someone is the only person who can help him get back to his baseline life—Prof. Salva Seguir, who led the experiment and died in the explosion, which means she can’t go back to the baseline to take credit for her discovery.
And she blames Joshua.
All Joshua has going for him are his skills as a reporter. But at journalism school, they don’t teach you how to survive spies, navigating your way through a life you haven’t lived—and a vengeful woman with nothing to lose.
Why is all this happening? Because Joshua doesn’t know that he knows something about the experiment that could change the course of the world.
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Dave’s episode description rough drafts.
What I learned: the elements that should be in such a description.
1
Joshua Blank is a university PR writer Joshua Blank is on hand for a landmark physics experiment. But when the particle accelerator explodes, he barely survives—and the lead professor, Salva Seguir, dies. But things are different for Joshua: He’s no living in a different reality. His wonderful wife Henna and kids NAMES look the same, but they’re no longer wonderful. The same goes for people he works with. His life is upside-down, but his initial attempts to find out what happened come up empty. Worst of all, he finds out that the experiment never took place.
<div>2 Joshua starts investigating what happened by meeting with Salva, who’s still alive in this reality. As she did in the Baseline reality, she downplays the risks. Meanwhile, Joshua notices that he’s being followed by spies—one American, one Chinese. And as bad as his day plays out, it gets worse when his car blows up when he hits autostart. He spots someone fleeing the scene. Salva?</div>
3
Joshua arrives home bruised, but the Henna in this reality is fed up with him. He’s failed as a journalist and a novelist, and she suspects he’s had affairs. He sleeps on the couch, but wakes up in yet another reality, with a nicer Henna—and his car in the driveway. At work, everyone’s walking on eggshells because Salva, bitter over not being recognized for an earlier experiment, is vindictive and manipulative. Joshua presses her for information again—it’s obvious he needs her help to get back to the blaseline (BL), but she tells him to fuck off. In the elevator, the America agent sticks a gun into Joshua’s temple and warns him not to dig too deep into the experiment.
4
Still shaken from the American agent’s threat, Joshua is waylaid by the Chinese agent, who takes him for a ride. The agent fills Joshua in a what the experiment was supposed to prove and that reality shifting was a risk. Nobody knows how it works, though—and the two agents are competing to find out because whoever controls the technology will control the world. The Chinese agent warns Joshua not to trust the American agent. Meanwhile, the American agent is visiting with Henna in the baseline reality. When the agent leaves, Henna goes to the university—to meet with Salva.
5
At home, Henna’s personality swings wildly as Joshua shifts between realities. In one reality, Henna and daughter are at each other’s throats. Joshua sees a chance to make an ally, though, and takes daughter to school. But as he drives off, the American agent approaches daughter. Joshua chases him—but where’s daughter? Back at home—Joshua has shifted realities again. So, he goes to work and breaks into Salva’s office to look for her notes. He finds them—but someone hits him on the head.
6
Fred finds Joshua on the floor of Salva’s office. No notes. And Fred doesn’t know about any experiment that went bad. Sure enough, the particle accelerator isn’t even functional. The Chinese agent confront him, this time belligerently, so they fight. But when Joshua breaks free, the American agent chases him, then aims his gun at him and fires.
7
<div>The American agent fires—but Joshua disappears as he shifts into a different reality. In this one, he sees a notice of a memorial service for him and Salva. No trace of their remains were found after the experiment meltdown, but they’re assumed dead. Daughter is outside, talking to the Chinese agent, saying she doesn’t believe Joshua is dead, she feels him close. When she leaves, Joshua attacks the agent and demands answers—but the American agent arrives to help the Chinese agent get free. “I don’t know what’s going on,” he says. The agent responds: “You don’t have to.” When he leaves Joshua sees someone else lurking. A third agent?</div><div>
8
</div>
This new agent—The Third Agent—drives off. Joshua follows—and the agent goes to his house. He goes into the house, but no one’s there but Henna. She’s beside herself, says she’s been hounded by cops and spies and media. Joshua calms her. They go to bed. Joshua wakes up in a new reality—next to Salva. It soon becomes clear that Salva has been behind some of the attacks to kill in (the car bomb, at least one other). “Why?” “I can’t go back to the baselines because I’m dead there—and if I can’t go back, I’ll make sure you don’t either.” She pulls out a gun and aims at his head.
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Dave’s Season 1 episodes for Blank Slate
What I learned: Everything from all the Module 1 lessons is coming together while also spawning new ideas.
Episodes:
1 The Experiment goes bad; Joshua wakes up in a different reality.
2 Joshua asks Salva about The Experiment and encounters The Two Agents; his car blows up.
3 Joshua switches realities twice, learns that Salva has a dark history and is vindictive.
4 The Chinese Agent warns Joshua about the American Agent; the American Agent visits Henna.
5 At home Henna’s personalities swing wildly as Joshua switches realities; daughter may be a link between realities.
6 Joshua learns that The Experiment has not been performed in all realities; the Agents are for or against him in various realities. At the end, the American Agent shoot at him.
7 The Agent shot at Joshua just to warn him; daughter’s inter-reality awareness comes to light; the mysterious Third Agent is watching her when Joshua sees him or her for the first time.
8 Joshua
tries to interfere when he thinks Henna’s moving on too quickly—and ends up finding out
that he’ll need to work with Salva if he wants to get back to the BL.L.9 In
a new reality, Joshua wakes up in bed with Salva—but after following up on
information she gives him, he finds out that Salva’s the one who’s been trying
to kill him—when she pulls out a gun and aims it at him at the end of the
episode. -
Dave’s 5-season arc for Blank Slate
What I learned is that it’s helpful to know where the whole story is going.
BLANK SLATE
SEASON 1
High Concept or major hook of the season: After experiment goes awry, man shifts between parallel realities
Big Picture Arc/Journey: From confused PR writer to knowing what his predicament is and what he needs to do to get back
Main Conflict: Doesn’t know what’s going on, has to dig for information; is pursued by mysterious enemies
Mystery/Open Loops: Who are The Two Agents? What is Salva’s goal? What happens with Joshua’s family while he’s not in the baseline?
Cliffhanger: Joshua finds out that Salva is the one who’s been trying to kill him
SEASON 2
High Concept or major hook of the season: Who’s on who’s side?
Big Picture Arc/Journey: Joshua navigates the vagaries of the constantly shifting alliances
Main Conflict: The Agents and others seem to be for him at sometimes, against him at others; Salva continues her attempts to kill him
Mystery/Open Loops: The people Joshua seeks out keep getting killed
Cliffhanger: Joshua finds out that they’re getting killed because someone is using The Tech to see possible futures if certain people remain alive
SEASON 3
High Concept or major hook of the season: It’s bigger than just Joshua—way bigger
Big Picture Arc/Journey: Joshua goes from focusing solely on getting back to the BL to bigger, more important issues that could affect lots of people
Main Conflict: The mysterious Third Agent seems to be at the center of the international intrigue
Mystery/Open Loops: Who is The Third Agent? What is The Third Agent’s goal? Is he or she a good guy or a bad guy? Will Henna move on in her life in the BL?
Cliffhanger: The fate of the world may hinge on Joshua getting back to the BL
SEASON 4
High Concept or major hook of the season: Preventing Armageddon
Big Picture Arc/Journey: From info gathering to action
Main Conflict: Joshua inserts himself deep into the international conspiracies around The Tech
Mystery/Open Loops: Who is the Third Agent?
Cliffhanger: The Third Agent is someone very close to Joshua
SEASON 5
High Concept or major hook of the season: Finding closure
Big Picture Arc/Journey: Choosing a future
Main Conflict: Salva still wants to kill him, the Agents (or someone) ramps up efforts to stop Joshua from getting back to the BL
Mystery/Open Loops: Who is the Third Agent (Fred? Henna?)
Cliffhanger: Joshua realizes he no longer fits into his baseline life, decides to remain a “traveler,” which is essentially a superhero who stops abuses of The Tech
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Dave’s Character Descriptions for Blank Slate
What I learned: Organizing this way sharpened my focus and brought on lots of changes in the characters.Joshua Blank
Joshua Blank, tired of his dull life as a college public relations writer, gets more action than he wishes for when a scientific experiment goes awry and sends him careening between parallel realities. With a new appreciation for his job and family, he fights spies and struggles to survive attacks by the vengeful scientist who can help him most to get back to the comfort of his familiar existence.
Salva Seguir
Brilliant particle scientist Salva Seguir knows her multiverse-travel experiment is dangerous, but she won’t let that stop her from getting the credit she deserves for a major discovery. The experiment goes horribly wrong—sending her and public relations writer Joshua Blank careening through random parallel realities. But she’s dead in their original reality, and while that means she can’t go back, she vows to track down Joshua and get revenge in alternative realities they visit.
Henna Blank
Henna has had an affair, but also stuck with Joshua even though his
journalism career was a bust. But she seems very familiar with Salva’s experiment—and
with the two international spies chasing Joshua through alternative realities.
Is she a spy, too? She’d like to get Joshua back with her and their kids, but
that might not sit well with the people she works -
Dave’s Intriguing Concept and World for Blank Slate
What I learned doing this assignment is…Keep it simple.
Concept
After an experiment to prove the existence of multiverses goes awry, a college PR writer battles spies, colleagues—and even sometimes his wife and kids—in fundamentally different versions of his own life to get back to his original reality.
A. Engaging and highly proactive hero…
B. …up against a major conflict…
C. …goes on unique transformational journey…
D. …Into an intriguing world.
World
Unique Sub-World: familiar, but fundamentally different, parallel universes
Previously unexplored: the profound effect of seemingly tiny changes
The unknown: slightly different lives in parallel worlds
The unseen: people who are allies in one universe are enemies in others
Unheard of Dangers: spies, international intrigue, colleague who want revenge
Reason to explore it: get back to his normal life
THE WORLD OF BLANK SLATE
Parallel universes where friends become enemies and what you know becomes nonsense.
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Subject line: Dave’s Creating Irony!
“What I learned doing this assignment is pretty much every idea, plot point, character trait and character relationship can be a source of enough irony to keep a show going for an infinite number of seasons.
Blank Slate
Character ironies
Joshua and Salva need each other to get back to the baseline reality, but Salva is dead in the baseline, can’t go back, and blames her death on Joshua.
Salva is a physics professor, but not thinking outside the box keeps limiting her ability to figure out how she can solve her problem of getting back to the baseline without being dead.
Joshua loves his wife and family, but in some realities, they don’t love him.
Trying to accomplish something in an AR could lead to Joshua putting Henna or one or both kids in peril in that reality.
Joshua has won a Pulitzer in an AR, but became arrogant, and his career still took a downturn.
Salva was recognized for her work on The Experiment in an AR, but that also got her pursued (of killed) by US or foreign agents or mobsters.
In an AR, a colleague who cheated Joshua out of the Pulitzer wants to make up for it and get Joshua recognized—but in the situation, Joshua wants to maintain a very low profile. The acclaim puts him—and maybe his family—in peril in the AR.
Joshua visits an AR in which everything is better than in the baseline, so he tries to figure out how to stay there—until Salva (or one of the Agents) comes from yet another alternative reality with information that suggests the one Joshua wants to stay probably will go from great to awful very quickly.
Joshua visits an AR that he thinks is the baseline—but then he notices little changes that burst his bubble.
Situational ironies
Salva wants to kill Joshua, but in some realities, Joshua has left his wife for Salva.
Changing the baseline to make it more like another reality can affect more than just one thing in the baseline. (Killing the president so that the VP takes over and can steer the baseline toward an outcome in another reality creates new problems in the baseline.)
When Joshua and Salva first discover how to control which alternate realities they switch to, they end up in realities in which The Experiment has lead to the devastation of society.
In other realities, it looks as though The Experiment made the world a much better place, but that’s only what it looks like on the surface.
In an AR, Salva lives and Joshua dies—but information exists in that reality that Joshua needs to be able to return to the baseline.
Working with one Agent gets Joshua something he needs in one reality, but then, in the next reality he visits, his life is in danger because he knows that information.
In one AR, China has gotten the secret of The Experiment and the US is a poor, ravaged country in upheaval.
Something Joshua has known all along is he key to getting back to the baseline.
In one AR, Joshua is in prison for Salva’s death—but someone in the same cellblock has information he needs to get back to the baseline.
Joshua and Salva visit an AR in which The Experiment is to be run in less than an hour, but Salva recognizes that it’s no less dangerous than when it was run in the baseline.
In every AR, Joshua’s trying to figure out how to fit in with the new (Blank Slate) reality gets him in trouble—either serious or comic.
-
Dave’s Plot
and Character LayersWhat I learned: Now I see what’s meant my “layers of meaning,” and it’s pretty obvious that they’re important for snagging the audience’s attention, but also provide tremendous insights into the characters and offer endless possibilities for plot twists.
SEQUENCE OF REVEALS
Plot Surface: After an experiment goes awry, a man finds himself randomly shifting between concurrent realities.
Layer 1: Salva, who led the experiment, is also shifting between realities.
Layer 2: The US and Chinese agents want the secrets of The Experiment.
Layer 3: Salva’s baseline notes about The Experiment have gone missing in the baseline reality.
Layer 4: Salva and/or Joshua may have been working with one or both of the agents before The Experiment.
Layer 5: Anyone who travels to an alternate reality can see how that progressed from the baseline reality and go back to change the baseline reality.
Layer 6: Salva is dead in the base reality, and therefore can’t go back there.
Character Surface: Joshua is a university PR writer who was present at The Experiment.
Layer 1: He is remorseful for not having appreciated his family and now desperately wants to keep it together in the base reality—and especially wants to prevent Henna from remarrying or finding out that he had an affair.
Layer 2: He was screwed out of recognition for Pulitzer Prize when he was a reporter.
Layer 3: He needs Salva to get back to the baseline reality, but he has to protect himself from being killed by her.
Layer 4: The affair was with Salva.
Layer 5: He probably is responsible for Salva dying in The Experiment.
Character Surface: Salva was the head of The Experiment.
Layer 1: She knew The Experiment was too risky to go on.
Layer 2: She believes Joshua was responsible for her death in the base reality and wants to kill him.
Layer 3: She also was screwed out of recognition for her role in a previous experiment—and wants to get revenge.
Layer 4: She also doesn’t want anyone to find out about the affair with Joshua.
Layer 5: She may be The Third Agent.
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Dave’s Big Picture Open Loops for Blank Slate
What I learned doing this assignment is there’s a difference between Big Picture and Small Picture open loops.
The big Big Picture Loops for the pilot
· What went wrong with The Experiment?
· How does Joshua switch realities?
· Can he get back to the base reality?
· What if he doesn’t?
· What do The Two Agents want?
· What’s Salva got to do with it?
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Dave’s Show Mysteries for Blank Slate
What I learned doing this assignment is that…well, every time I complete one of these exercises I find out something that really clarifies and elevates my initial concept.
Shocking Event Mystery for Blank Slate
· Shocking Event: Joshua wakes up to find the people around him are the same, but profoundly changed
· Secret: He’s shifted from one reality to another
· Investigation: He’s been trying to get other people who were involved in The Experiment what they know, but they have no knowledge of The Experiment.
WWWWW and How:
What audience knows:
o Who: Joshua
o What: Randomly shifts realities
o When: Since The Experiment
o Where: Randomly
Withheld:
o Why: The Experiment was successful in opening portals to an infinite number of concurrent realities
o How: Massive release of energy
Over Time Mystery for Blank Slate
· Cover up: The US (or Chinese) government (or both) was/were involved in The Experiment for military
· Secret: Being able to switch realities gives a country an advantage because it can find get ideas for war and assassinations from realities other than the baseline
· Reveals: Joshua’s interactions with The Two Agents and others in different realities slowly reveal the international intrigue
WWWWW and How:
What audience knows:
o Who: Joshua, The Two Agents, Salva, plus maybe characters to be introduced later, such as a president or other government actor
o What: US v. China for control of the tech
o When: Since before The Experiment
o
Withheld:
o Where: In different realities
o Why: Being able to move between realities is tantamount to time travel, because events in the baseline reality can be shaped to fit other realities
o How: Whatever it takes
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Dave’s Big Picture Empathy/Distress for Blank Slate
What I learned doing this assignment is… Well I wish that the delineation between “specific episode situations” and “big picture issues” was clearer. I restated the list from the Breaking Bad example to create a clearer dividing line (to my mind) by generalizing the issues raised by the one-time situations in the original list:
<div>
Finds
out he has cancer</div><div>Is exposed
to drug dealer mentalityHas his
life threatenedFaces
issues such as whether to kill people to protect himself and his loved
onesAssociates’
lives are being threatened<s>Walter
goes to the gang headquarters to confront the gang leader. Blows it up</s>.
(This one falls under No. 2 above).Lies to
his wife and son</div>
Empathy/Distress for Joshua Blank in Blank Slate
Undeserved misfortune
· Randomly moving between realities
· Being separated from his family
External Character conflicts
Salva’s
belief that Joshua is responsible for her death in the baseline reality
The Two
Agents mysterious agendas
Henna’s
radically different personalities in each realityPlot intruding on life
· Salva wanting revenge
· Whatever the Two Agents want
Moral dilemmas
· If Salva has to get back to the baseline reality for Joshua to get there, too, she’ll be dead
Forced decisions they’d never make
· Lie to Henna and the kids
· Throw Salva under the bus
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<div>Dave’s Character Map for Blank Slate</div><div>
What I learned is that adding these levels yet again changed the direction of the stories and the characters.
SALVA SEGUIR
Surface: Partner
Common Ground: Both want to return to the base reality
Conflict: Wants revenge on Joshua for causing her death in the base reality
History: Worked together on The Experiment
Subtext: Hidden agenda
Relationship Arc: From unknown to partner with agendas and baggage
THE TWO AGENTS
Surface: Spying on Joshua
Common Ground: Want to know the secret of The Experiment
Conflict: Working for government, and not always in Joshua’s best interests
History: Spied on Joshua in the runup to The Experiment
Subtext: Who’s side are they on?
Relationship Arc: From unknown to unreliable allies and/or enemies
HENNA BLANK
Surface: Joshua’s wife
Common Ground: Marriage; he’s father to their daughter and stepdad to her son
Conflict: Her personality (and her history with Joshua) changes from reality to reality
History: A good marriage—in the base reality; otherwise, history changes unpredictably
Subtext: She loves Joshua
Relationship Arc: From loving wife to confounding question mark
</div>
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Dave’s Character Emotions for Blank Slate
“What I learned doing this assignment is that there are underlying factors driving the actions of characters, and for a show that will last several seasons, those need to be deep-seated.
Joshua
Situational
Hope/Fear: Get back to his normal life/He won’t be able to figure out how
Hope/Fear: Patch things up with his wife/His absence will only make things worse
Motivation
Want/Need: That he can get himself out of any situation/to be regarded as competent
Want/Need: That he can be competent in any subject/to be seen as smart
Mask
Base Negative Emotion/Public Mask: Uncertainty/Air of cool
Base Negative Emotion/Public Mask: Fear of being lied to (gullibility)/skepticism
Base Negative Emotion/Public Mask: Fear of being wrong/acting confident
Weakness
Lack of knowledge of science
Triggers
Suspecting that he’s being played for a fool
Any suggestion that he’s not competent in anything
Coping Mechanisms
Covering up/trying to fit in
Acting like he doesn’t care if he fits in
Feeling helpless
Salva
Situational
Hope/Fear: Get back to her normal life/She would probably die if she did
Motivation
Want/Need: Be recognized for her accomplishments/Respect
Mask
Base Negative Emotion/Public Mask: Being a doormat/Being a badass
Base Negative Emotion/Public Mask: Fear of dying/denial
Weakness
Needs to be in control.
Triggers
Any suggestion that she’s not competent in anything.
Anyone taking credit from her
Coping Mechanisms
Lashing out
Lying
Covering up
Scheme
Feeling helpless
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Dave’s Intriguing Character Layers
“What I learned doing this assignment is…that new revelations in the layers change the characters and story line, which is good, since I didn’t know all that much at the beginning. Also, that all good TV shows, movies, novels–and stories in general–contain the elements described in this lesson.
Intrigue items that apply to main characters of Blank Slate:
Character: Joshua Blank
Role: College PR writer who finds himself traveling between dimensions after an experiment goes awry whose overt agenda is to get back to the life he remembers.
Hidden agendas: His overt agenda with Salva is a hidden agenda to everyone around him because they do not experience the reality shifts he does.
Competition: Against The Two Agents to reach people with information he needs before they do.
Conspiracies: With Salva against The Two Agents.
Secrets: Affair. The fear that he did something that caused Salva (The Doctor) to die during The Experiment. Feels guilty for not appreciating his wife and kids.
Deception: Tries to fit in whenever he finds himself in a different reality. Transactional alliances with The Two Agents and other characters who may have information he needs.
Wound: Was downsized from his journalism dream job. Thinks he was cheated out of receiving a Pulitzer.
Secret Identity: That he’s really the Joshua Blank everyone around “knows.” Lies to people about who he is and why he wants to talk to them if they otherwise won’t help him get the information he needs.
Character: Salva Seguir
Role: Physicist who designed an experiment that would prove the existence of infinite parallel realities.
Hidden agendas: Wants to be recognized for the discovery. Wants to get revenge on people who denied her recognition for a Nobel (or some other science prize). Wants revenge on Joshua for causing her to die in The Experiment, which makes it doubtful she can ever return to her baseline reality.
Competition: Against other physicists hoping to achieve what her experiment has achieved—and who may be taking credit for it in her baseline reality.
Conspiracies: With Joshua against The Two Agents and the people who’ve denied her credit in the past and are stealing credit from her now. With The Two Agents against Joshua.
Secrets: She lied to downplay how dangerous The Experiment was. She doesn’t tell Joshua that she blames him for dying in the baseline reality.
Deception: That she’s 100% on Joshua’s side. That she isn’t interested in recognition, but only in science for its own sake.
Wound: Being cheated out of credit.
Secret Identity: A person who is fully committed to helping Joshua get back to the baseline reality.
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<div>Dave’s Engaging Main Characters for Blank Slate</div><div>
</div><div>
What I learned doing this assignment is…
As I “discover” more about the main character, important things about him change. This time, he went from being a physics professor to a college public relations writer.
</div><div>
What is the journey?
· A college professor who finds himself being transported to different universes wants to get back to his normal life.
The characters who will sell this show are:
Joshua Blank and Salva Seguir
Answer these questions for each of those characters:
Role in the show:
Joshua is a college public relations writer who was present for an experiment that went awry and destroyed his life.
Salva Sequir, a particle scientist who was also present for the experiment.
Unique Purpose/Expertise:
Joshua—Expertise: A longtime journalist who knows how to uncover facts and get people to talk.
Joshua—Purpose: To get back to the world and loving family he used to take for granted—and receive credit for making a major scientific breakthrough.
Salva—Expertise: Knowledge of physics.
Salva—Purpose: She’s having the same universe shifts as Joshua and wants to get back to the life and loving family that she did not take for granted.
The two agents—Purpose: To look out for their countries’ (or their benefactors’) interests.
Intrigue: What secrets lurk beneath the surface?
Joshua was having an affair with a coworker at the college. He also hates the job because he doesn’t consider it “real” journalism.
Salva—She feared that the experiment wouldn’t go well, but didn’t say anything because she thought it would advance her career if it went as planned.
The two agents: Can’t be trusted. Sometimes they seem to be good guys, sometimes bad guys. Sometimes they seem to be helping Joshua and Salva, which at others, they seem to have other agendas.
Moral Issue: What moral boundaries do they cross?
Joshua is worried that his affair will be exposed and hurt his wife and family.
Salva wants to be credited with making a major discovery and is willing to hide things from Joshua if she thinks doing so is necessary to get her that and get her back to “real life.”
Unpredictability: What will they do next?
Joshua is a pacifist and doesn’t want to kill anyone in any universe, but when he’s in danger, he has to muster the courage to do what needs to be done.
Salva knows way more than she lets on at first, but when she needs to come through for Joshua, she does.
Empathy: Why do we care?
Joshua feels deep guilt when he has to decide whether some characters should live or die. He is truly remorseful about the affair. He’s always stuck in situations in which he has to fake his way through the day. He’s being chased by shadowy secret agents who may be assassins or helpers.
Salva has been robbed of credit for past work and deserved to be recognized for what she’s discovered with The Experiment. However, she feels she can’t even tall Joshua about it, so she’s tortured. She’s also very happy and makes her family happy in the “real” world—and she’s worried about what might be happening in the “real” universe.
</div>
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Assignment 2–Three Circles of characters for Blank Slate:
Main Circle:
· Joshua Blank, a theoretical physics professor who finds himself randomly skipping between universes each day. He remembers his loving his family and his role in a particle collider experiment, but doesn’t know what happened to make him change universes.
· Salva Seguir, a particle scientist who was involved in the experiment, though Joshua doesn’t know that.
· US Agent Sam Quant, who follows Joshua around. He may be a good guy or a bad guy.
· Jiandie Bangshou, a Chinese government agent, or maybe a gangster, who follows Joshua. Or maybe he follows Quant. May be a good guy or a bad guy.
· The Doctor. The guy who dies in the explosion at the beginning of the pilot and at end of each episode. He runs the experiment.
Connected Circle:
· Henna Blank (Joshua’s wife)
· Zack Raddick (Henna’s 16-year-old son from her first marriage)
· Leila Blank (Joshua and Henna’s 9-year-old daughter)
· Bert Limestone (a prof who shares an office with Joshua)
· Booya Raddick (Henna’s first husband and Zack’s dad)
Environment Circle:
· Professors and academic staff
· Lab assistants
· Store clerks, wait staff, university employees and students, security guards who Joshua interacts with each day (that same people, but who are, like his family, just slightly different in each episode)
What I learned: The lesson reinforces and codifies what I’ve learned from writing 22 screenplays and eight novels. I think what I’m really learning here is how to figure out stuff like this before I start writing. Not my usual way of working, so it’s good to get out of my comfort zone.
-
David Thome
My writing partner and wife, Mary Jo, and I have written more than 20 screenplays, including four that were optioned a few years ago.
The old way of breaking into the biz was to write spec scripts and pitch them to producers and agents. I had some success with that, but that is no longer the model. I took the pared-down version of the Binge TV class to write a pilot of a show based on some comedic supernatural novellas that I sold on Amazon a few years ago, but I wanted a deeper dive and insight into how to market this material. For the class, I’m going to create a show that’s darker and more sci-fi.
Something special? Michelle Phillips was once attached to star in a family-oriented comedy spec I wrote that got to within one person of a greenlight not once, not twice, but three times.
-
5 STAR MODEL
Breaking Bad
What I learned: Yeah, lots of all the things mentioned in the lesson. To wit:
Big Picture Hooks (What is the big hook of this show?)
Concept: A broke high school teacher who has terminal cancer decides to make and sell meth to care for his family after he dies.
Amazing and Intriguing Character (What makes these main characters intriguing and interesting?)
Walter has been a good boy all his life and has gotten him nowhere and left him emasculated. However, he is liberated from social conventions when he finds out he’s going to die, so he says fuck it and no longer lets those conventions stop him from achieving his goal of leaving his family better off.
Empathy / Distress (What situations cause us to feel both empathy and distress for this character?)
· He’s getting older.
· He’s smart, but being smart hasn’t gotten him much.
· He’s broke.
· His family loves him, but he feels he’s failed them.
· He has skills that can earn him money by making meth, but making meth is against the law.
· Walter has been docile all his life, but his new career is populated by hard-asses.
· When the rival meth gang comes to kill him, he has to think fast to save his life
· He takes a huge risk by blowing them up, then killing them—and most people would feel empathy because they also would be distressed even by killing someone in self-defense.
Layers / Open Loops (What questions arise in the first episode that can only be answered by watching the entire season?)
· Can he become a hard-ass? And if he does, will he become as unlikable as the crooks?
· Will bad guys or the cops (including his BIL) kill him or send him to prison?
· Can he make the money he wants for his family?
Inviting Obsession (How does pilot create the need to see every episode?)
· Lots of mysteries.
· Layered lead characters.
· Moral and societal conflicts are directly expressed or implicit.
· Walter is unpredictable after learning he’s going to die, but he’s so close to the edge that it’s hard to imagine how he can even survive (What will happen next?).
>
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<div>Dave’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value
</div><div></div><div>
1. What is your speciality? Describe your expertise in that specialty in one or two sentences. My writing partner (my wife Mary Jo) and I specialize in writing romance. Together we’ve published several romantic novels and have written several screenplays with interesting characters and situations that meet what romance audiences are looking for.
2. How many producers do you have in your LinkedIn Network? Almost none, and literally none listed as 1<sup>st</sup>. The few listed as 2<sup>nd</sup> are connected to other people in this group.
3. Looking at the list above titled “Increasing Your Perceived Value,” please tell us your plan for increasing your value in these three time frames:
Connect with one producer who’s made romantic (especially Christmas) movies. I can find one a day every day, for sure. I have fine writing examples from Fourth of July Christmas and Halloween Christmas, but I need to rework the former into a non-contained script set in the weeks before Christmas and retitle it as You’ll Be Mine By Christmas Time.
</div>
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Dave is a Note Taking Professional
4<sup>th</sup> of July Christmas
Logline: Two things country singing star Natalie Bell didn’t expect to see while recording her Christmas
album at a mountaintop studio in July—a major blizzard, and her ex-fiancé and former duet partner, Tanner Stevens.Cut the budget in half
As mentioned in a previous lesson, this is a two-actor, three-set script that could be turned into a stage play with very little effort. It could be shot on an iPhone. But, if I had to cut expenses, I would eliminate the scene with cars in the snow. Instead, I would show the heroine, Natalie, leaving the recording studio and then cut to Natalie returning with Tanner. They have snow on them, and some brief, but witty, dialog would reveal that she got stuck in the snow and he rescued her. Also, I would change the fireworks scene at the end so that no actual fireworks would have to be filmed. Instead, the camera could focus on the couple as they watch (and hear) the fireworks, then kiss.
Write it for a different audience (quadrant)
The Hallmark/Lifetime quadrant is women 18 to 80, but if 4<sup>th</sup> of July Christmas needed to be for the younger side, I could make Natalie and Tanner in their 20s instead of 30s. OTOH, if it was for an older audience, they could be as old as the producer wanted, since they were a couple in the past and are reconciling. Also, if it needed to focus on men…well, it’s a romance. But I could tell the story through Tanner’s eyes instead of Natalie’s, and focus on how his career is the one in trouble and she can help him.
If the audience wasn’t going to be one that demanded sex-free content, I could certainly have them hook up. Which leads to…
Double the conflict
Sex can help two characters bind, or drive them apart. Having sex in the middle of the movie could alter the dynamics and trajectory of the second half. If the movie were still for the sweet crowd, I could ramp up the existing relationship between Natalie and her boyfriend/manager. In the current script, she’s pretty much fed up with him—and this is an important Hallmark/Lifetime trope. Still, there are movies of this type in which the current boyfriend theme takes longer to play out, specially ones in which it seems as though they’re more lovey-dovey than they really are.
Change the sex and age of the lead character
Already discussed under “different audience.”
Change the genre
Hmm…
I guess this couple trapped by a freak storm in California in July while recording a Christmas record could find a body somewhere, then solve the murder. Or maybe one of them could be a psycho and the other has to not get killed. That’s gonna make it hard to have them work out a song for a Christmas special in the second half. I guess it could be a spoofier comedy, if that’s what a producer needed.
What I learned is…
Be ready to think on your feet to come up with ideas.
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Dave’s Decreased Budget
What I learned–It’s gonna be hard cutting the budget of a movie with two actors and three sets, but In 4th of July Christmas I could take out a scene in which the heroine tries to drive through the snowstorm, but the road is blocked and she gets stuck. The hero picks her up in his truck and takes her back to the mountaintop studio (because the road is open in that direction), so the scene could start with Natalie leaving the studio, followed by Natalie and Tanner coming back in with snow on their coats and hair. In this context, this is the big budget item I’m willing to let go of.
There are also fireworks at the end, but it’s not necessary to have Natalie and Tanner actually see fireworks. They could just go outside and look up. That probably would be even a better scene than the existing one anyway, because the camera could linger on their “lit up” faces before they kiss. (Plus, the popping sounds and flicking some lights would create the illusion of fireworks.)
What I learned: Even if you write a screenplay that almost a stage play with only three sets that are very similar and could be set up in one large room so that the camera wouldn’t even have to be moved, it’s still possible to find places and ways to cut. Also, the fireworks edit might even be more cinematic, romantic and emotional if the audience doesn’t see fireworks.
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Treatment for You’ll Be Mine By Christmastime
(Holiday romance)
Standard feature 3-act structure…however, in retrospect, it should be a 9-act TV movie structure.
You’ll Be Mine By Christmastime
<div>
Opening: In
a Los Angeles music studio, Natalie Bell belts out a new Christmas song
she plans to sing in a Christmas TV special that will revive her flagging
country career. “You’ll Be Mine By Christmastime” is the kind of song
she’s been known for, with blaring bells and clanging horns and even
fireworks, but her producer, Sam, thinks it’s just not right. Natalie
agrees, but doesn’t know how to fix it. She’s burned out. Her mom suggests
she return home to little Magic, Kentucky, for Christmas to relax and
reconnect with people who love her and hope for the best. Natalie is
leery, because she has so much to do—promotional appearances, a radio
interview, TV morning show chat—in addition to fixing “You’ll Be Mine by
Christmastime,” a song from a mysterious writer who’s had a string of hits
for Sam. It’s a departure for Natalie, who has been performing only her
own songs for the past few years. But when her boyfriend and manager, Jason,
gets pushy, Natalie decides to head back to Kentucky to chill—and to work on
the song at the small studio there where she recorded her first records.</div><div>Inciting
Incident: Back home, Natalie goes out to see the sights and runs into her
best friend from the old days, Lucia. They enjoy a day together, but one
thing stands out: Lucia has been trying to save the town’s long-empty
music hall, but got halfway through before running out of money. The music
hall was Magic’s only attraction, and without its regular shows, other
businesses in town are having a hard time staying open. Natalie’s sad about
that, and because it’s where she first sang in public, but she has
business to attend to, so the next day she heads up the mountain road to
the Snow Castle recording studio where she and Tanner made their first
records to work on “You’ll Be Mine By Christmastime.” Her efforts with
Sam, an engineer and someone she can’t see through the dark glass, produce
unsatisfactory results. Her day gets worse when she finds that person in
the control booth is her ex-fiance and former duet partner, Tanner Stevens,
who now owns the studio. Their duets gave them a string of international hits,
but when their life goals changed (she wanted to record and tour more, he
wanted to settle down and start a family), they drifted apart, Natalie’s
career went well for a while, but then started trending downward.
Meanwhile, Tanner moved back to Magic, bought the studio and became a
producer who worked with dozens of big time performers.First Act
Turning Point: Natalie and Tanner’s first attempts to work together don’t
go well. She’s suspicious that Sam and Tanner are secretly angling for
them to do a duet, which she does not want. Plus, his critique of the work
she’s done on the song her angry. One night she goes to the studio, which
is on a mountain a few miles from the town, to work by herself. But then Tanner
shows up, just as a blinding snowstorm is making the only road between the
studio and the town impassible.Midpoint: They’re
stuck. They settle in, and warm up to each other a bit as they reminisce
about Christmases they spent together. But when they go back to work, bad
old habits emerge. Also, Jason keeps calling to bug Natalie about
returning to L.A. to get ready for the show. That helps drive home the
point that if they’re going to come up with the song that’ll save
Natalie’s career, they’re going to have to find a way to work together.Second Act
Turning Point: The storm passes and the road to town opens. Natalie and
Tanner spend some time away from the studio checking out the lively
Christmas shopping scene in quaint downtown Magic, having dinner together
and then attending the Christmas festival, after which Natalie’s finally
relaxed and ready to do some good work. Now that they’ve rediscovered what
made them a great team, they both have a better attitude. However…Crisis: Jason
shows up, and his presence and demands stress Natalie out. And then Jason
spills the beans about Tanner being the mysterious songwriter who penned
“You’ll Be Mine By Christmastime.” That really ticks Natalie off; now she
knows there was a conspiracy to get her and Tanner to do a duet.Climax: It
looks as if the trip was a bust—and that the show and the song will be,
too. But as Natalie heads back to her mom’s house, she drives past the
old music hall and realizes that the show could be aired live from Magic,
and be a fundraiser to save the historic venue and put Magic back on the
musical map. So she decides to put the perceived slights aside for now and
start arranging to have the show broadcast from the hallResolution: Natalie
returns to the studio to find Tanner playing “You’ll Be Mine By
Christmastime” song unaccompanied except
for his acoustic guitar. Natalie realizes that this is how to save the
song. She’s known as a belter, but what she really needs to do is play
against type. And this song sounds much better as a pining, heartfelt love
song than as a rouser that almost lays down a command. She positions a
single mike between them and they sing “You’ll Be Mine By Christmastime,”
and nail it in one take. Two days later, they debut the song to the world
by playing at an intimate gathering in Magic that’s live-streamed to the
network. After the song plays, the town celebrates with fireworks. Natalie
and Tanner go outside to watch. It’s snowing again. And with the fireworks
glinting off the drifting flakes, they kiss.</div>
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My genre is romance.
What I learned: This stared as 15 pages; I cut it to 10 by removing things I don’t think I’ll miss.
Setup: This is the opening to my contained screenplay “4th of July Christmas.” It has two on-screen characters and four settings.
INT. SNOW CASTLE RECORDING STUDIO – DAY
NATALIE BELL, mid-30s, wearing a tasteful Christmas sweater, jeans, mittens, a stocking hat and a scarf, belts a joyful tune, “You’ll Be Mine by Christmastime,” backed by the recorded sounds of an electrified country band, a full choir, chiming horns and ringing church bells.
The studio is in the great room of a former ski lodge. It’s spacious and has high ceilings, but Natalie is surrounded by portable panels that form an isolation booth.
The entire area is decorated for Christmas. Garland. Tinsel. Shiny glass balls. A manger scene. In the middle of the room, near the “booth,” stockings hang on a huge stone fireplace, where a fake fire flickers. An eight-foot-tall Christmas tree is ablaze with lights and topped with a gold-winged angel.
Natalie holds the last note at maximum volume for what seems like an impossibly long time. When she stops, so does the music – except for jingling sleigh bells that fade into nothingness.
NATALIE
If we didn’t nail it that time, Sam, we never will. I don’t have a hammer that heavy.
She’s speaking to a large, smoked window that turns the former front desk into a control room. There’s a click, and a deep, fatherly voice comes through the speakers.
SAM
We might have something to work with.
NATALIE
Oh, you. If I actually had a heavy hammer, I’d come in there right now and—
SAM
Relax, Natalie. I can’t imagine topping that take. And Grant will be pleased that you finally recorded one of his songs.
NATALIE
The mysterious and reclusive Mr. Langley. Think I’ll get to meet him if “You’ll Be Mine by Christmastime” hits the Top 40?
SAM
You never know.
NATALIE
Tell him I’ll spring for hot chocolate.
SAM
I’ll give him the word.
NATALIE
(removing the mittens)
All right, then. Let’s get back to L.A. before the blizzard hits. I’ve got a big day planned tomorrow.
SAM
Parade? Cookout? Fireworks?
NATALIE
Light show. Songwriting. Social media posts.
SAM
It’s the Fourth of July.
NATALIE
A great day to work – and I want to do it in a sundress, not a parka.
Natalie exits the “booth” and heads down a hallway.
INT. SNOW CASTLE – NATALIE’S SUITE – DAY
Just a regular hotel room decorated for Christmas. Strings of lights around the door to the room and the glass door to a patio outside. Snowflake ornaments hanging from the lampshades. Figurines on the desk and nightstands.
Natalie opens the curtains covering the glass door to reveal a glorious view of Mt. Whitney which, retaining a bit of its snow cap, adds to the Christmassy feel.
As Natalie begins to pack, her phone rings. She puts it on speaker and moves about the room, folding and tucking items into the suitcase as she talks.
NATALIE
Hi, Mom.
MOM
Is the Christmas album in the tank?
NATALIE
You mean “in the can.”
If it tanks, I’ll be living in your basement come New Year’s.
MOM
Could it tank a little sooner? It would be great to have you home for Christmas. With your sister and her husband–
NATALIE
–and their darling new baby. I know. But my European tour starts December 10th.
Tell you what – I’ll come home at Thanksgiving. We can have Christmas then.
MOM
It’s not the same. Christmas should be celebrated on Christmas.
NATALIE
I’ll do my best.
Natalie forces one last item into the suitcase and shuts it.
NATALIE
Right now, though, I have to get going. There’s a big snowstorm on the way.
MOM
Snowstorm? How is that possible? You’re in California.
NATALIE
Yeah – 6,000 feet up the side of a mountain.
(looking around)
The Snow Castle is a great studio. You’d love it. And right now, every inch is decorated for Christmas.
MOM
Did you have hot chocolate and Christmas cookies?
NATALIE
Of course. The whole point is to put everybody in the Christmas spirit.
MOM
That does sound lovely.
Let me know when the record falls. If I can’t see you on Christmas, it’ll be nice to hear your voice coming from the DC player.
NATALIE
You’ll be the first to know. Love you, Mom.
Natalie ends the call, puts her hands on her hips and glares at the suitcase, as though that would make more room materialize.
She reaches into the suitcase and pulls out a silky black scarf, dotted with silvery snowflakes. She holds it so the ends dangle side by side, creating a snow-covered landscape with pine trees, and a snowman on one side.
She goes to the window and looks out. No snow yet, but clouds gather around the mountain’s peak. As cars exit the parking lot, Natalie absentmindedly strokes the silky cloth.
INT. SNOW CASTLE – GREAT ROOM – DUSK
Natalie’s surprised to hear music coming from the “control room.” It’s her, singing “Do You Hear What I Hear.” She goes around the booth.
NATALIE
Sam, I thought you—
A handsome man Natalie’s age turns toward her. He’s wearing a T-shirt and jeans – nothing Christmassy. It’s her ex-boyfriend and duet partner, TANNER STEVENS.
NATALIE
Tanner?
He flicks a switch to pause the music.
TANNER
Hey, Nat.
NATALIE
What are you doing here?
TANNER
Sam asked me to weigh in on a few songs.
Natalie crosses her arms and huffs.
NATALIE
Why would he do that?
TANNER
I consult on all his clients’ recordings.
NATALIE
Not mine.
TANNER
We’re grownups. We can work together.
NATALIE
I have to get back to L.A.
She turns to leave. Tanner jumps to his feet.
TANNER
Don’t leave mad, Nat. I’ll listen to the songs and we can talk sometime down the road.
Natalie’s eyes burn.
NATALIE
Sam brought you to perform, didn’t he? He wants us to do a duet.
TANNER
No, really. You’ve got your own thing going on now. And you’re really good at it.
She sees a slip of paper with handwritten notes lying on the soundboard.
NATALIE
Everyone says you do good work as a producer. Let Sam know what you think and I’ll touch base with him. Have a safe drive out of here.
Tanner smiles.
TANNER
You, too, Nat. It’s nice seeing you again.
She nods, and leaves.
INT. CAR – MOUNTAIN ROAD – NIGHT – MOVING
It’s not snowing too hard, but the wipers are on. Natalie’s suitcase is on the front passenger seat. She’s tense as she leaves a voicemail.
NATALIE
Anyway, Sam, it’s fine if Tanner makes some comments, but I would’ve liked a little warning that he was coming. That’s all for now. We’ll talk soon.
She ends the call and turns on the radio. Soft country music plays. With the snow wafting past the windshield and the beat of the wipers, Natalie starts reminiscing.
EXT. SAM’S DECK – SIX YEARS AGO – NIGHT
A week before Christmas. Sounds of revelry filter out from a holiday party inside. The deck is festooned with garland, wreaths, candy cane lawn decorations and colored lights.
Tanner stands in the dim light, sipping hot chocolate and gazing at the lights from houses lining the Los Angeles canyon below. He’s wearing a very loud Christmas sweater.
The glass door to the deck opens. Natalie comes out with a mug of hot chocolate. Tanner turns around, startled.
NATALIE
I’m sorry. I didn’t realize anyone was out here. Did you want to be alone?
TANNER
I’m willing to make an exception.
Natalie, wearing a much subtler Christmas outfit than Tanner’s, joins him at the railing.
NATALIE
Pretty, isn’t it?
TANNER
I’ll say.
Natalie realizes he’s looking at her.
NATALIE
I meant the view.
TANNER
So did I.
NATALIE
I meant that view.
Natalie nods toward the valley.
TANNER
Like stars of the night in a place where you can’t see the sky.
NATALIE
That’s a lyric, from “Blue Sky Eyes.”
I love that song.
TANNER
In that case, I wrote it.
NATALIE
That would make you Tanner Stevens.
TANNER
It would.
NATALIE
My name is Natalie.
TANNER
Ah, the new girl on Sam’s roster..
They shake hands.
TANNER
Nice sweater.
NATALIE
Yours, um, too. I mean, it glows.
TANNER
When it comes to Christmas, I go all out.
NATALIE
Like you do on your records. I’ve heard them all.
TANNER
Really?
NATALIE
If you want to make it in this business, it pays to listen to the best.
They clink mugs.
TANNER
Your accent sounds familiar.
NATALIE
I’m Kentucky born and raised.
TANNER
Can’t get any more country than that.
NATALIE
Sure you can. I grew up in a suburb of Cincinnati.
TANNER
So, this your first Christmas away from home?
Natalie nods.
TANNER
And inside there it got a little too loud, so you came out here to get away from the crowd and get yourself a sweet breath of fresh air.
NATALIE
(laughing)
That’s a line from “The Air Outside.” Do you always talk in lyrics?
TANNER
Just checking to see if you’re paying attention.
NATALIE
My favorite song of yours is “Colder Than Kentucky Snow.”
TANNER
Not much to that song. Just me and my guitar.
NATALIE
That’s what I love about it. It sounds so natural, like you’re the only one who can hear it. “A million-billion dancers twisting, turning, floating through the night, landing where the wind will take them.” I think of that during the first snowfall of the year. And at Christmastime. Do you get used to being away from snow at Christmastime?
TANNER
Yeah—but not being away from the people you love. Sam’s party helps with that.
NATALIE
So why are you out here?
TANNER
To get away from the crowd. Get a little fresh air. Take in the lights. And whatever else comes along.
Keeping his eyes on Natalie, he sips hot chocolate. Natalie meets his gaze and smiles.
INT. CAR – MOUNTAIN ROAD – PRESENT – NIGHT
The wipers are on high speed to keep up with the snow, which is falling much harder now. Wind-blown flakes flash in the headlights; Natalie leans forward and squints.
The car lurches to the side, then swerves, bounces into a drift, and stops. Natalie guns the motor, but the wheels spin. She takes out her phone.
NATALIE
Two bars. That’s pretty good.
She locates a number and dials. A AAA REP answers.
REP
Triple A.
NATALIE
I’m stuck in a drift about two miles from Snow Castle. Can you send someone to pull me out?
REP
I can add you to the list, but we’re getting a lot of calls from your area. We’re only sending crews if you’re in immediate danger. Are you injured?
NATALIE
No. A little inconvenienced.
REP
Do you have warm clothes, or blankets?
Natalie opens the suitcase, peruses the decidedly summery garments.
NATALIE
I left the mittens back at the studio.
AAA REP
Ma’am?
NATALIE
I have a few layers.
REP
That’s good. Keep warm, and call us if your situation changes.
Natalie ends the call, takes a lightweight dress out of the suitcase and drapes it over herself like a blanket.
Shivering, she digs into the suitcase again and pulls out the silky scarf with the winter scene. She wraps it around her shoulders and strokes the soft fabric.
And then, a knock on the door window startles her. Someone clears snow off the glass. It’s Tanner.
TANNER
(shouting)
You OK?
NATALIE
Yes, I—
She hurriedly takes off the scarf and jams it back into the suitcase before opening the door.
NATALIE
What’re you doing here?
TANNER
Someone warned me that it was going to snow, so I thought it would be good to get out of the mountains.
NATALIE
You’re finally taking my advice?
He winces. She immediately regrets saying it.
NATALIE
I’m sorry. Can you pull me out of the drift?
TANNER
I left my winch back in Kentucky. On the other hand, my rental truck has four-wheel-drive, so it should have no problem getting through.
Natalie grabs her suitcase, but as she gets out, snow falls from a ledge and blocks the road ahead.
NATALIE
Now what?
TANNER
Well, there’s a recording studio that used to be a resort – back thataway.
NATALIE
You want to go back?
TANNER
I don’t think we have any choice.
Natalie looks at the bright, red rental truck. Tanner holds his hand out to her.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by David Thome. Reason: I forgot to include some parts of the assignment
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I was late in posting mine, but I see that most people have no critiques on their samples. I’ll be happy to critique the sample of anyone who does mine!
Note to Francine Miranda: Since you’ve posted the most critiques, I’d love to see what you have to say about mine.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
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1. Name?
David Thome
2. How many scripts you’ve written?
My wife Mary Jo and I have written 22 screenplays, four of which were optioned several years ago. We took some time off, and I turned to novels and novellas, some of which appeared on Amazon Top 100 lists for a while.
We recently turned back to screenplays by writing two Hallmark-style Christmas scripts and reviving a big-budget sci-fi script that has advanced in a few contests.After I took the free version of the Binge Worthy TV class, Mary Jo and I wrote a pilot for a comedic animated supernatural TV show that also has advanced in a couple of contests. It’s based on one of my novella series.
3. What you hope to get out of the class?
The free version gave me a good base for writing a pilot, but this course goes much deeper and includes lessons in how to present a pilot to people who can get them made (or at least optioned). Marketing is different now than when Mary Jo and I were getting scripts to agents and producers (three of our screenplays were within one “yes” of being made). Apparently no one cold-calls agents and producers any more. Or maybe they do, if they know what they’re doing.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?
The idea I plan to work on here has a male lead. Since 2010, I’ve written five novels and three novellas and, with my co-writer, added two full-length screenplays, changed the hero of one old screenplay from a man to a woman and completed a TV pilot, all of which have female leads. I love writing female leads; they’re way more interesting than male leads. I don’t even know if I’m capable of writing a male lead any more.
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1. Your name. David Thome
2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Oops. I answered twice. See reply below.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by David Thome. Reason: I didn't see my first response and wrote a new one. Then I saw that I had to click to the next page
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
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What I learned: What I’ve been learning–that I need a rewrite of my best romantic movie script that meets the conventions of the genre.
The existing screenplay:
– Genre
Christmas romance
– Title
4<sup>th</sup> of July Christmas
– Concept
Trapped in a mountaintop recording studio by a freak snowstorm in July, two exes rekindle their love as they work on a song.
– Audience
Mostly women 18-70, but also couples.
– Budget
$2 million or less
– Lead Characters
Natalie Bell, a go-girl-go type whose country music star has been rising since breaking up with established country singer Tanner Stevens
Tanner Stevens, a laid-back country singer whose popularity has waned since the breakup, but has developed a rep as a hitmaking producer
– Journey / Character Arc
Natalie has her foot to the pedal all the time, but learns over the course of one evening to take it easy, listen to others and let good things happen.
– Opening
Natalie finishes her noisy, crash-boom version of a new song called “You’ll Be Mine By Christmastime,” which was written by a mysterious songwriter whose had a ton of hits with other performers.
-Ending
Natalie agrees to perform the song as the writer (Tanner, under a pseudonym) intended: as a soft, heartfelt love song full of tender yearning.
The upgrade:
– Genre
Christmas romance
– Title
<s>4<sup>th</sup> of July Christmas</s> You’ll Be Mine By Christmastime
– Concept
<s>Trapped in a mountaintop recording studio by a freak snowstorm in July, two exes rekindle their love as they work on a song.</s> A country singer who’s career is flagging must work with her ex to come up with a surefire hit for a TV special that airs in one week.
– Audience
Mostly women 18-70, but also couples.
– Budget
$2 million or less
– Lead Characters
Natalie Bell, a go-girl-go type whose country music star has been rising since breaking up with established country singer Tanner Stevens
Tanner Stevens, a laid-back country singer whose popularity has waned since the breakup, but has developed a rep as a hitmaking producer.
– Journey / Character Arc
Natalie has her foot to the pedal all the time, but learns over the course of <s>one evening</s> a week to take it easy, listen to others and let good things happen.
– Opening
Natalie finishes her noisy, crash-boom version of a new song called “You’ll Be Mine By Christmastime,” which was written by a mysterious songwriter whose had a ton of hits with other performers.
-Ending
Natalie agrees to perform the song as the writer (Tanner, under a pseudonym) intended: as a soft, heartfelt love song full of tender yearning.
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My specialty (or, the specialty of my writing partner and me) is romance.
What I’ve learned here: Romance covers a lot of ground that can include horror, action, comedy, Christmas and pretty much every other genre. However, I am not challenging the idea that it’s important to have a specialty to get assignements.
My wife and I have written two Hallmark Christmas-type romantic movies that include not not only romantic tropes such as The Meet Cute, initial incompatibility between the central characters, social or economic obstacles to overcome, conflicting jobs or career paths, familiar objections, commitment issues for one or both characters, friends who try to help but only get in the way and eventually learning to take a deeper look at each other, our holiday scripts include the conventions of the Hallmark-type movie.
However…we set our Christmas movies at Halloween and the 4th of July (although they include all the conventions mentioned above), but while they get attention on places like Inktip, we absolutely need a sample that goes along with the convention of being set a few weeks or days before Christmas. We were already thinking of doing a full, non-contained version of 4th of July Christmas, but now that will become “You’ll Be Mine By Christmas Time” and be set in a week before a big TV Christmas concert that’s key to reviving the female lead’s career.
My two novel series are also romance (one of them romantic comedy), so I hope that would count as extra cred.
At this point, I have no specific analyses to post here. We will do that step, as Hal notes in the audio session. But right now, our day jobs are popping and next week I start the Binge-worthy TV class, so we’re doing the best we can to keep up.
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David Thome
2. How many scripts you’ve written?
I’ve written 22 scripts along with my writing partner, my wife, Mary Jo. A few years ago I optioned four screenplays to independent producers, two of which almost got made. One had Michele Phillips signed to be the lead. Anyway, I took a few years off to write some novels that I published on Amazon. Lately Mary Jo and I have gotten back into screenwriting, starting with dusting off a blockbuster-level sci-fi/action screenplay that was a contest finalist, called The Sky Below, and it has advanced in a couple of contests over the past few months. Also getting great comments from Blue Cat–and great notes.
We’re also currently marketing a supernatural animation pilot called The Incompetent Witch that’s base on my series of novellas of the same name that has also advanced in some contests and is rising in Coverly’s ratings. And, finall, the opposite of that–two Hallmark/Lifetime style Christmas scripts. One of the latter is a contained script with two characters and three settings. Screenwriter U.’s Bingeworthy TV primer helped me with Witch (I’ll be starting the full class soon), and the Contained Script class helped me with 4th of July Christmas.
And, finally, we’re also reworking one of our previously optioned scripts, Terminal Sex, from a TV-movie format to be a pilot for what would be an sci-fi anthology show.
3. What you hope to get out of the class?
Since I’ve been out of the biz for a while, a lot has changed about how to market projects, but since I’ve seen first-hand how fickle the spec script-to-screen path can be, I would like to know more about getting assignments. Several years ago I did write a screenplay for a producer, but then his company fell apart and…that’s Hollywood, I guess.
4. Something unique, special, strange or unusual about you?
As a newspaper reporter I’ve interviewed Jesse Jackson, Dr. Ruth, members of Ratt, LIta Ford, Lemmy Kilmister, Kurt Vonnegut, Kristi Yamaguchi, Carl Sagan, a space shuttle commander and Playboy’s Miss December 1986. Hall of Fame baseball pitcher Bob Gibson, after I told him I’d cheered for the Tigers as a kid when he played against them in the World Series, told me, “F*** you,” and elbowed me out of a circle of major league Old Timers. Precious memories all around.
We look forward to working with you all!
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Dave’s credibility is going up
Contacts
I don’t have a lot of contacts, but I know some people who have contacts, a few who are getting assignments in Hollywood and work in the industry on sets in California and Canada–and found out that a producer I wrote a script for several years ago just made a movie last year. I will have to make him my first contact.
Also, a producer I contacted a few months ago about my Christmas movie scripts got back to me and quipped that he’d “made enough Christmas movies for one lifetime,” so I should add him to my list and see if he might be interested in something else.
My writing partner and I are also members of various industry organizations, and I need to pay more attention to those to see who’s there and what they’re looking for what.
What I learned
OK, so I was forced to deal with Linked In–and happy about it! (I tried to set up a page a few years ago, but it was a mess. It’s now more organized and focuses on my screenwriting cred, which is:
Writer
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T2Writingpartners · Full-timeT2Writingpartners · Full-time
1987 – Present · 35 yrs 2 mos1987 – Present · 35 yrs 2 mos
Shorewood, Wisconsin, United StatesShorewood, Wisconsin, United States
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Film and TV writing:
• Four feature screenplays optioned to independent producers (three comedies, one sci-fi thriller).
• Sci-fi/action, sci-fi thriller and comedy features advanced in contests and won awards.
• Animated supernatural TV pilot with female lead advanced in contests.
• Two optioned features have female leads (with writing partner Mary Jo Weber).
• Hired to write full-length horror script.
• Presenter on writing craft at screenwriting seminars.
• Past president of national screenwriter’s group.Other writing experience:
• Novels and novellas have appeared on Amazon Top 100 lists.
• “Man Writing a Romance” blog had international following.
• Award-winning reporter for major urban newspaper.
• Owner of company specializing in journalism and business writing.
• Public relations.
• TV commercials and industrial videos.
• Taught writing at Marquette University.
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The finished script I am bringing to the class:
Fourth of July Christmas. A contained Hallmark/Lifetime style Christmas romance about a country singer, Natalie Bell, who has to come up with a hit song for a Christmas album to revive her flagging career and is forced to work with her ex-fiance and duet partner, Tanner Stevens, when a freak snowstorm traps them alone together in a mountaintop recording studio. Budget no more than $2.5 million, and potentially less than $200,000.
An idea I would like to create:
Terminal Sex (which is pretty much the opposite of the above). Set 10 years from now, it’s a thriller about a young woman who does podcasts about dating who tries virtual reality hardware that’s so real that people think things are happening to them that really aren’t and finds herself stalked by a serial killer who’s figured out how to murder people for real using virtual reality. Budget: $1 million or less, as this version we* consider to be the “pilot” of a sci-fi streaming TV anthology series.
This is an update of a version that won an award in a contest, got me an A-list agent and nearly sold to a TV network 25 years ago.
*Note: My wife, Mary Jo, and I are a writing team. We’ve written 20 screenplays, four of which were optioned to small companies a few years back.
What I learned from the teleconference:
That getting writing assignments is way different than it used to be, though the idea of the “sample screenplay” was common. I’ve already worked with producers, and I was happy to hear the example of the writer who worked for a producer and director who didn’t get along–because that happened to me, and it was frustrating.
Back in the day, I would query agents or call producers on the phone and get pretty good results, so I’m pleased to find out that there are several ways to get to producers now–and I’m eager to get to the parts about how to do it.
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David Thome
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Has Module 5 started? If not, have you heard anything about when it will start? Thanks.
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I hear ya. I took this class because I wanted to know what to do to market a comedy series. The one I’m “developing” for the class is similar to the examples that come up in the lessons (sci-fi with explosions and spies and betrayals, etc.), but I find that everything can be applied to genres that aren’t always dark and violent. I took the short version of SU’s binge-TV writing course to write a comedy pilot before signing up for this one–and all the rules and insights given in this version are there in that pilot script. Remember, Hal said at the beginning that these insights could be used for episodic TV, too, but they all seem to me to be about good writing in general. It’s not always about life and death and guns, but building in intrigue and empathy et al is important.
BTW, my comedy series is based on a series of novellas, so lots of the work for that pitch bible has been done. But the sci-fi series for the class started with just a one-sentence idea, and I have so much more now–I’m amazed at how it’s been working.
Good luck to you.
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Hey, Francine. Thanks for reading my sample and commenting. I run a writers group precisely because I value the feedback I get from the other members, and your feedback made me think.
Turning to your sample, I have to start out saying that this is a most excellent premise that might convince a producer who doesn’t have a fully realized vision to want to work with you.
The description is clear and concise. I like the revelations, such as that the hallucinations might be visions of the future and the one about the family being stuck somewhere due to a lockdown. That kind of thing was already scary enough before covid. In your sample, the lockdown could keep people safe, or make them more vulnerable–great for raising tension. Well done!
The dialog moves along pretty well, but I suggest considering deleting fudge words like “well” and just have the characters say the important stuff. IMO, that makes the dialog punchier and more urgent.
Also, think about making the dialog more portentous. For example, instead of:
It’s
alright. We’re safe at home. Don’t worry, you just concentrate on your work and
we’ll see each other when this is over.Consider something like:
We’re safe at home. Just concentrate on your work. This’ll all be over soon.
(pause)
Right?
Brooke hesitating after Tomas says “Right” would increase the tension even more.
Finally, I assume it will be determined that the hallucinations are visions of the future. It would be cool if the sample ended that way–with one of the patients recounting a hallucination that is very specific and has already come to pass. That way Juno and Brooke would know they’re onto something big–a huge cliffhanger. The kind they would have at the end of an episode of Lost.
Note: I don’t think it matters if that revelation doesn’t come exactly at this point in your full script. The assignment isn’t necessarily to lift a section and leave it untouched. It can be rigged a little to drive home the point that you can write scary stuff.
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Hey, Mark…I was trying to connect on Linkedin with everyone in the group, but couldn’t find your. (I have seen your IMDB page, though. Excellent.)
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by David Thome.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by