[David Shoenfeld]

I’m David Shoenfeld. I’ve written (and rewritten) about a dozen scripts over the years since my very first one made the Quarter-Finals of a major contest.

I hope to get several things out of this class. A well-organized approach to my storytelling, a clearer sense of leveraging SU Skills Mastery techniques, and recharge efforts to tackle a few script concepts that are vying for attention.

My introduction to screenwriting (which launched my journey) was when, as Chief Marketing Officer for FedEx Express, left the table (Zemeckis, Broyles Jr. and Starkey, along with FedEx Chairman and COO) with a draft of Cast Away and Brand Appearance Script Approval. I’m sworn to secrecy on the remote location where Chuck and Wilson spent their time.

Two years later, I moved to Santa Monica, surrounded by Entertainment Industry folks (Writers, Directors, Studio Staff & Execs). 7 years later, I left to make a reverse Beverly Hillbillies trek to NC, bought the old Clampett estate, put in a cement pond and set-up my writing room.

[David Shoenfeld]

I, David Shoenfeld, agree to the terms of this release form.

[David Shoenfeld]

David Shoenfeld’s Concept Basic Structure Version 1.

What I learned doing this assignment is the value of selecting one part of the structure to find ways to elevate that element (and the story) rather than view a screenplay as one 110 page beast to poke and prod in a disorganized fashion. Here goes (Before & a peek at After):

Voodoo Gulch

Logline:

When the Great Hurricane of 1893 devastates New Orleans, a Voodoo Queen, her daughter, and two couples embark on a trek to begin anew, but Voodoo Queen faces unique risks and perils in her struggles to survive and retain her special powers.

Opening: We meet Voodoo Queen (VQ) as she advises Client on finding peace. When asked about her late Mother, VQ reveals her Father should not have taken her away from the safety of an Energy Portal like the one in Vieux Carré for as long as he did. Asked why that mattered, she explains that if a Voodoo Practitioner iremains distant for one moon, Voudon Powers fade, and after two comes… Death.

Inciting Incident: Fierce hurricane approaches New Orleans. Family friend Caleb helps VQ and daughter Gris-Gris (GG) escape in his wagon to safety 20 miles inland at Oren’s Farm. Oren’s wife views VQ and GG as evil for practicing Hoodoo witchcraft.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about:
Voodoo Queen and Gris-Gris cannot return home again, so they must find themselves a new home near an energy portal… or die.

First turning point at end of Act
Return to New Orleans is out of the question. Wagons are loaded and the Trek North and West begins. VQ hopes they find a community close enough for her to return to New Orleans, but hopes are dashed as each one they encounter was destroyed or is strongly unwelcoming.

Mid-Point: After missteps along the way, they take left fork, narrowly miss a settlement and reach a Mining Camp. Mine Boss seeks to immediately run them off, but VQ senses the fringe of a nearby energy portal, and begs Mine Boos to let them stay long enough to rest from their journey. Once they learn she’s a Voodoo Queen, they blame her for every misfortune, from sudden rains to ill effects of bread she made from cook’s tainted supply of rye flour. VQ and GG are banished to the furthest edge of the camp.

Second turning point at end of Act
2: VQ tries to be helpful in the camp as the other wives work fields Oren planted, and Caleb builds structures for the miners to live in. VQ hikes trails in search of the portal, discovers an unclaimed mining site, is helped by Frontier Doc to file a claim she can use as leverage to get Mine Boss to treat her fairly. He agrees, but has no intention of honoring the deal.

Crisis: To avoid exposure for theft of VQ’s mining claim, he lures VQ and GG to a box canyon. To test Voudon abilities to spot another potential mining site, he blindfolds them both, drives wagon in circles and figure eights to disorient them, dumps them in the canyon to die, and have bones picked clean to hide evidence.

GG helps free VQ’s binds, and leads them to a crevice in the canyon where there is a path that leads in the direction of the mining camp. They reach the settlement, where VQ senses they’re close to the energy portal and introduce themselves.

Say they’ll be back, and resume trek to the camp. GG finds a site with a rich vein of silver,. On their way back to the camp, they intercept Frontier Doc, who checks them out and brings them to the Assay Office to file their mining claim. She buys supplies, sends word that she’s hiring hard-working miners, asks Assay Office to let her know.

Climax:
VQ and GG announce their departure from the mining camp to begin working their new mine. She offers any miner who chooses to join them a fair deal. The mine produces silver ore from day one. GG indicates where the mine shaft should be dug.

Resolution: Mine Boss offers to work as foreman, she declines. He packs his things and rides off into the sunset to SFO. She buys Cook’s chuckwagon, gives him enough coins to pursue his restaurant dream in Denver. The settlement eagerly supports her new mine venture, shares in the gains, transforms from a band of families struggling to survive to a thriving community that welcomes Voodoo and Gris-Gris, the new Voodoo Queen

The Element I chose to Separate Out: The Second turning point at end of Act 2:

This plot point was meant to take VQ to the point where she would change and succeed, or accept failure and death. Without identifying clear, escalating indications that VQ’s powers are waning, this feels slow and unfocused. It also lost thread of antagonism of Oren’s wife and active role she plays in stirring up trouble. Earlier plants did not payoff to build tension.

Second turning point at end of Act 2 Revised: VQ fends off a series of escalating attacks as Oren’s wife riles up Miners and the Mine Boss to foment strife, which forces VQ and GG to remain distant and isolated from the other New Orleans refugees. VQ tries to be helpful in the camp, but her efforts are more often rebuffed. Caleb is stopped from building VQ and GG a better shelter than the narrow rock ledge they live beneath. VQ grows desperate, senses that each attempt to communicate with the Spirits is less effective than her prior efforts. Losing hope, she wanders the trails alone, suddenly feels a connection to Spirit, and is guided to a stack ore-rich rocks that lead to a potential new mining site. She asks Frontier Doc how mining claims work, and he offers to take her to the Assay Office and see if a claim has been filed on that site. She’s overjoyed to find she has leverage to persuade Mining Boss to treat her and GG fairly, and ignore slurs used to push her down. She enjoys newfound comforts, but they do not last long. Now, she has powers beyond those she wields as a Voodoo Queen.

Note: I’d rather separate out several interrelated elements (in sequence) to elevate them before revising the others based on having elevated only one. YMMV unless there is a specific reason to address the other elements each time you separate one out.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  David Shoenfeld. Reason: copy/paste format issues
• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  David Shoenfeld.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  David Shoenfeld.

[David Shoenfeld]

What I learned from this assignment was the value of finding the essence of my concept and the story vision I have for Voodoo Gulch. There is much room for improvement and a tighter focus on key story elements, but it’s a start. Here Goes:

David’s One-Page for Voodoo Gulch

Logline:

When the Great Hurricane of 1893 devastates New Orleans, a Voodoo Queen, her daughter, and a few survivors embark on a journey to and start life over, but Voodoo Queen faces many perils in her quest to sustain her Voodoo life as many others fear she is evil incarnate.

Synopsis:

Voodoo Queen Bonne Dieu and daughter Gris-Gris are rescued by a family friend when a great hurricane lays waste to New Orleans and surrounding lands. When the extent of damage is known, they flee New Orleans along with two couples to find a new home.

When sites they encounter proves uninhabitable, they must press on. Voodoo Queen’s quest has complications others are unaware of. If unable to reach a hidden portal of power, she will lose her Voudon abilities. If their quest takes them away from a portal for too long, Voodoo Queen and Gris-Gris will die. Portals in New Orleans, Port Au Prince and elsewhere, can only be detected when one is nearby. She cannot lead them to her own place of safety.

Eventually, they reach a mining camp that initially insists they move on, but Voodoo Queen senses energy from a nearby portal, and persuades Mining boss to let them stay, if only to rest up from their journey. When a sudden thunderstorm drenches the camp, they blame Voodoo Queen for bad weather they hadn’t endured in months.

She and Gris-Gris make themselves useful in the camp, and bake the miners a loaf of Rye pan-bread . When miners get sick and delirious after eating the bread, she is banished to the edge of the camp. A Frontier Doc passes through, declares it was simple ergot mold, not witchcraft that caused the strange behaviors. He inspects the mine, and determines high levels of moisture make it risky for miners to work underground for long periods of time.

Mine Boss holds Voodoo Queen responsible for his misfortunes, and gives her an ultimatum to be gone in a matter of days,. When she explores trails in search of the hidden source of Voudon powers, she discovers a superior claim to mining wealth. That buys her and Gris-Gris time, but when Mine Boss lures them to certain deaths, they discover both spiritual power and untold wealth in a mining claim in a nearby gulch in the mountain range.

Voodoo Queen is able to save her life and Gris-Gris’s, and enrich residents of a nearby community struggling to survive on the frontier. They openly welcome the former Voodoo Queen, and her young protégé Gris-Gris who assumes her role as the new Voodoo Queen.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  David Shoenfeld.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  David Shoenfeld.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  David Shoenfeld.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  David Shoenfeld.

[David Shoenfeld]

I’m David Shoenfeld, and I agree to the terms of this release form.”

[David Shoenfeld]

Hi, Fellow Scribblers. I’m David Shoenfeld. I’ve written 12+ scripts, and have 2 with Feedback Notes that are primed for a Professional Rewrite! Both were noted as strong concepts that needed elevating in several dimensions, so this calss came along at a perfect time.I got hooked on screenwriting 20+ years ago when, as CMO of FedEx Express, I read the Cast Away script for Brand Approval – after dinner w/ the film’s Director, Writer and Exec Producer. I moved from Memphis to a neighborhood of Industry Folks in Santa Monica, but 7 years later, moved to a small NC town (kind of a reverse Beverly Hillbillies move – we bought the old Clampett Estate and put in a cement pond). It’s a great place to write, and I kept my 310 area code cell phone.