[Deb Johnson]

Deb's QE Cycle 6 Scene

Logline: Fleeing from danger, Carley and Marcus get stranded in the back alley of a crime ridden neighborhood.

Essence: When the cats away the mice will play.

Scene:

EXT. SEEDY ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

Black and White: as seen from a surveillance camera: Back doors lead to bars. A junk car rolls to a stop.

Real time: The driver is CARLEY, 28, attractive. The passenger is MARCUS, 32, big, balding. They wear lab coats.

INT. THE JUNKER CAR

Carley turns the key over. It clicks, but no juice.

CARLEY
Love? Really, Marcus? Here?

MARCUS
Forgive me… this complicates things. But it's time you knew — I've always loved you.

CARLEY
Can’t say I saw this coming, but we’ve got bigger problems.

She takes a worried look over her shoulder and tries again.

MARCUS
This is not how I imagined…

Carley pops the hood.

CARLEY
I thought we hated each other. I thought… I thought you were…

A drunk stumbles from a door and vomits into a dumpster.

MARCUS
You’re the most caring person I know. I've always respected you, even when we clashed.

The RADIO BLARES MUSIC then DIES. They are both alarmed. Carley pops the trunk and gets out.

EXT. DARK ALLEY

Marcus follows.

CARLEY
I have jumper cables.

MARCUS
Wait!

Carley opens the trunk. There’s a golf bag and a silver case.

CARLEY
This is your stuff. This is your car.

MARCUS
Carley, look at me.

He takes her by the shoulders and turns her towards him.

CARLEY
Listen, Marcus, I do care about you, I think… but let’s try to get out of here first, and then we can talk… okay?

She wrests herself away and opens the case.

MARCUS
You’re right. I’m letting my imagination get ahead of me. I’m sorry…

Inside the case: vials of strange gold liquid.

CARLEY
Marcus, please explain.

Marcus takes the case and closes it.

MARCUS
It’s the hallucinogen. Remember? We’re taking it to the police. But you got exposed.

Carley shakes her head vigorously then grasps her temples.

MARCUS
We have to keep moving.

Carley takes out her phone. The Vomit Guy moves toward them and belches a long, strange burp.

CARLEY
(in phone)
I’ll send you our location.

Vomit Guy pulls out a knife. Marcus shields Carley.

MARCUS
Really? In front of a security camera?

VOMIT GUY
You’re money or your life.

CARLEY
You’ve got spittle on your shirt.

POLICE SIRENS. Vomit Guy is spooked. He runs away.

MARCUS
Who did you call?

CARLEY
Professor Renfro.

The police car passes behind them. The SIRENS get distant.

MARCUS
Are you serious? You idiot. That’s who we’re running from.

CARLEY
You’re the idiot. You’ve always been the idiot. Oh my god, did I say that out loud?

Carly looks at the sky, amazed and in fear as it quickly goes from night to bright daylight to night.

CARLEY
Am I losing my mind? What’s happening?

MARCUS
I’m so sorry about all this, but let’s stick to our plan. Everything is going to be okay.

He holds her in his arms. Comforted, She looks up into his eyes and he leans in for a kiss.

Headlights advance toward them – they break apart.

MARCUS
Oh, for the love of…

CARLEY
It’s Professor Renfro! Run!

MARCUS
This way!

Carley, confused, runs straight to the headlights. The car screeches to a halt and Carley peers into the windshield.

CARLEY
It’s Ben! It’s okay. It’s Ben!

BEN, 30, handsome and well dressed, gets out of the car.

BEN
I came as soon as I could.

CARLEY
My Ben! You won’t believe…

Ben pulls out a gun.

BEN
Just hand over the vials and nobody gets hurt.

CARLEY
Is this a joke, bubby?

Ben aims the gun at Carley. Marcus offers the case.

MARCUS
Here. Take it.

CARLEY
Ben, behind you! Look out!

Ben turns. Marcus drops the case and grabs Ben’s gun.

Ben disappears.

CARLEY
Wait. What just happened? Where…

MARCUS
I saved you.

He gently takes Carley in his arms.

CARLEY
Are you my hero?

MARCUS
I hope so.

They embrace.

SURVEILLANCE CAMERA MONITOR:

The embrace is seen in black and white. There are HOOTS and HOLLERS and a cacophony of people talking.

EXT. DARK ALLEY

Marcus plugs Carley’s arm with a syringe. She faints.

MARCUS
I told you…

Carley comes to, looks around and blinks. The scene flashes.

INT. LAB ROOM – DAY

A white room with wall mounted screens. A sliver table holds vials of gold liquid. Carley and Marcus wear strange helmets with goggles.

A group of scientists, Ben among them, watch from an observation window. They exchange money and laugh.

MARCUS
My hallucinogen works. It makes you go against your conscience.

CARLEY
Oh, god. Did we?…

MARCUS
Right on the kisser, baby!

CARLEY
Ugh. (yells through the window) Alright, alright already, you animals. (to Marcus) Okay – double or nothing. I will resist this time.

MARCUS
Professor Renfro will be back any minute!

Carley grabs a vial from the table and downs the liquid.

MARCUS
Fine. But it’s your nightmare. This time I’m gonna slip you the tounge.

CARLEY
Not on your life.

[Deb Johnson]

Logline: Fleeing from danger, Carley and Marcus get stranded in the back alley of a crime ridden neighborhood.

Essence: When the cats away the mice will play.

Scene:

EXT. DARK ALLEY – NIGHT

Black and White: as seen from a surveillance camera: A seedy alleyway; back doors lead to bars and clubs. A junky car creeps; it’s lights flicker as it rolls to a stop.

Real time: The driver is CARLEY, 28, attractive. The passenger is MARCUS, 32, big, balding. They wear lab coats.

INT. CARLEY’S JUNKER

Carley turns the key over. It clicks, but no juice.

CARLEY
Love? Really, Marcus? Here? You sure know how to pick your moments.

MARCUS
Forgive me if this complicates things, but it's time you knew — I've always loved you.

CARLEY
Can’t say I saw this coming, but I think we’ve got bigger problems.

She takes a worried look over her shoulder and tries again.

MARCUS
This is not how I imagined…

Carley pops the hood.

CARLEY
I thought we hated each other. I thought… I thought you were disgusting. No offence.

A drunk stumbles from a door and vomits into a dumpster.

MARCUS
I'm sorry if I've given you that impression. I've always respected you, even when we clashed.

The RADIO BLARES MUSIC. They are both alarmed.

RADIO
“The power of love is a curious thing…”

The RADIO DIES. Carley pops the trunk and gets out.

EXT. DARK ALLEY

Marcus follows her.

CARLEY
I have jumper cables.

MARCUS
Wait!

Carley opens the trunk. There’s a golf bag and a silver case.

CARLEY
This is your stuff. This is your car.

MARCUS
Carley, look at me.

He takes her by the shoulders and turns her towards him.

CARLEY
Listen, Marcus, I do care about you, I think… but let’s try to get out of here first, and then we can talk… okay?

She wrests herself away and opens the case.

MARCUS
You’re right. I’m letting my imagination get ahead of me. I’m sorry…

Inside the case: vials of strange gold liquid.

CARLEY
Marcus. If you don’t mind, please explain what’s going on.

Marcus takes the case and closes it.

MARCUS
It’s the hallucinogen. Remember? We’re taking it to the police. But you got exposed.

Carley shakes her head vigorously then grasps her temples.

MARCUS
We have to keep moving.

Carley takes out her phone. The Vomit Guy moves toward them.

Vomit Guy belches a long, strange burp.

CARLEY
(in phone) I’ll send you our location.

Vomit Guy pulls out a gun. Marcus shields Carley.

MARCUS
Really? In front of a security camera?

VOMIT GUY
Just give me your money.

POLICE SIRENS. Vomit Guy is spooked. He runs away.

MARCUS
Who did you call?

CARLEY
Professor Renfro.

The police car passes behind them. The SIRENS get distant.

MARCUS
Are you serious? You idiot. That’s who we’re running from.

CARLEY
You’re the idiot. You’ve always been the idiot. Oh my god, did I say that out loud?

Another car idles nearby. Marcus looks in the window.

MARCUS
C’mon, let’s take this car. We can return it later.

Carley hesitates. Marcus gets into the drivers side.

MARCUS
We’re not stealing, we’re borrowing!

She looks up the alley as a drug deal goes down.

MARCUS
Imagine if the roles were reversed. If someone was in danger and needed our car, wouldn’t you want them to do whatever it takes to stay safe?

Carley reluctantly gets into the passenger side.

INT. STRANGERS CAR

Marcus puts it into drive and the car goes dead.

The clock on the dashboard whirls. Outside, it goes from dark to bright daylight to darkness. Spooked, they both jump out.

EXT. DARK ALLEY

CARLEY
(crying) Am I losing my mind? I don’t know what’s happening.

MARCUS
I’m so sorry about all this. Everything is going to be okay. Let’s stick to our plan.

He holds her in his arms. She’s comforted. She looks up into his eyes, he leans in for a kiss. Headlights advance toward them – they break apart.

MARCUS
Oh, for the love of…

CARLEY
It’s Professor Renfro! Run!

MARCUS
This way!

Marcus signals Carley to follow, but Carley runs opposite.

She redirects and runs straight to the headlights. The car screeches to a halt and Carley peers into the windshield.

CARLEY
It’s Betty! It’s okay. It’s Betty!

BETTY, 23, dressed to the nines, gets out of the car.

BETTY
I came as soon as I could.

CARLEY
Look at you! Betty you’re not going to believe…

Betty pulls out a gun.

BETTY
Just hand over the vials and nobody gets hurt.

Marcus grabs the gun from Betty. Betty disappears.

CARLEY
Wait. What happened? Where…

MARCUS
I just saved you.

He gently takes Carley in his arms again.

CARLEY
Are you my hero?

MARCUS
I hope so.

They embrace.

INT. SURVEILLANCE CAMERA

The embrace is seen in black and white. There are HOOTS and HOLLERS and a cacophony of people talking.

EXT. DARK ALLEY

Marcus takes out a syringe and plugs Carley’s arm. She YELPS, faints into his arms then comes to.

MARCUS
I told you…

Carley looks around and blinks. The scenery flashes.

INT. LAB ROOM – DAY

Carley and Marcus are alone in a white tiled room. There’s a silver table that holds vials of gold liquid. A group of scientists, Betty among them, watch from an observation window. They exchange money and laugh.

MARCUS
My hallucinogen works. It makes you go against your conscience.

CARLEY
Oh, god. Did we?…

MARCUS
Right on the kisser, baby!

CARLEY
Ugh. (yells through the window) Alright, alright already, you animals. (to Marcus) Okay – double or nothing. I will resist this time.

MARCUS
Wait! Professor Renfro will be back any minute!

Carley grabs a vial from the table and downs the liquid.

MARCUS
Fine. But it’s your nightmare. This time I’m gonna slip you the tounge.

Carley grimaces.

CARLEY
Not on your life.

[Deb Johnson]

Logline: Brandy and Phillip’s fake charity scam is under investigation, but Phillip refuses to take the fall.

Essence: the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Scene:

INT. BOUTIQUE CLOTHING STORE – DAY

A luxurious boutique with elegant displays.

BRANDY, 45, plump with extra make-up and extra big hair flips through a rack of evening gowns.

GERTIE, 35, slight but sturdy eyes Brandy. She slowly makes her way over, casually perusing items along the way.

Brandy and Gertie reach for the same Givenchy blue gown.

They both laugh and Gertie lets go.

GERTIE
I know you! You’re that lady on tv! You’re the “Yes We CAN!” Lady.

Brandy frames her face and flashes a charming smile.

BRANDY
Yes, the Children's Aid Network. I’m heading up an incredible charity gala this weekend.

GERTIE
I cry every time I see that commercial.

An awkward pause.

BRANDY
Well, I simply must try this on before someone else snatches…

GERTIE
Yeah, you go…

Brandy enters the dressing room. Gertie stands outside.

GERTIE
Hey, can I ask you something?

BRANDY (O.S.)
Sure. But will you be a darling and help with the zipper?

Brandy opens the door. Gertie steps in.

INT. DRESSING ROOM

Gertie zips and they both admire the dress.

GERTIE
So you are Brandy Styles?

Brandy looks worried.

BRANDY
Yes. And you are?

GERTIE
You can call me Officer Swartz.

Gertie flashes her police badge. Brandy freezes.

BRANDY
Goodness gracious, you don't think I'm going to steal this dress, do you?

GERTIE
Listen, Brandy. My boss said we should just bring you in, but I want to give you a chance here. We have proof that your charity is a scam…

BRANDY
A scam? How dare you? That’s preposterous.

GERTIE
We’ll get to all that. But my nose is itching. I got a hunch that your partner, Phillip, Phillip Reinhold, is behind all this… and if you cooperate with us, things will go easy for you.

BRANDY
Honestly, sneaking up on a person in a dress shop. I’ve never heard of such a thing.

GERTIE
Brandy. You need to trust me on this. I got a tip from a lady who told me her and Philip ran an insurance scam together and then left her high and dry. I want to go easy on you. All you have to do is cooperate.

BRANDY
Listen, Officer…

GERTIE
Swartz.

BRANDY
Officer Swartz. Phillip is a man of integrity and vision. He helped me start CAN two years ago when my son… my dear sweet boy, was dying. He’s been by my side ever since.

GERTIE
You don’t say…

BRANDY
He's selfless and tireless in his work to help children. He’s a wealthy man. He’s got his own money. You’ve got the wrong guy. You’ve got the wrong charity. You’ve got the wrong dressing room.

GERTIE
So that’s how you want to play it.

BRANDY
This is no game. We save children’s lives every day.

GERTIE
I just told you I have evidence… manipulated documents, forged communications and financial transactions that prove your money is not going where you say it’s going.

BRANDY
This is absurd. Let me just call Phillip. He’ll straiten all this out.

GERTIE
You can call him from the precinct. You’re coming with me.

BRANDY
You’re placing me under arrest? What about the children? I’m begging you, please don’t do this.

GERTIE
You have the right to remain silent…

CUT TO:

EXT. SKYSCRAPER ROOFTOP/HELIPAD – NIGHT

Brandy watches a helicopter land. She wears an ankle monitor.

PHILLIP, 55, tall and imposing, exits the helicopter. He runs to Brandy and they embrace. Brandy clings to him.

BRANDY
Phillip, thank God! What on earth is happening?

PHILLIP
My darling girl. I haven’t slept since your arrest. I’m so very sorry we have to meet like this.

BRANDY
I don’t understand – why are all the accounts in my name?

PHILLIP
So they know about the accounts. Don’t worry, dear, they’ve got it wrong! It will all come out in court. Anything else?

BRANDY
They said I emptied the accounts right before the arrest. I don’t know what they’re talking about!

PHILLIP
I’ve got the best lawyers lined up for you.

BRANDY
Phillip, I’m scared. Do I admit to our chicanery? Or maintain my innocence and hope to get off?

PHILLIP
My darling girl, admitting to anything now would only make things worse. Besides, you should be used to these little predicaments by now.

BRANDY
Everything points to me. Everything. All I have to do is tell them you were in on it, that you orchestrated it.

PHILLIP
But there’s no proof of that. There never was and there never will be.

BRANDY
You set me up!

PHILLIP
Brandy, please. Don't make this harder than it already is. Now, forgive me, but I have to go.

BRANDY
Go? Go where? You can’t just leave me here.

Phillip runs to the helicopter and Brandy pursues.

BRANDY
Wait! Please, Phillip, don't do this! I trusted you!

Phillip turns with tears in his eyes.

PHILLIP
Brandy, I’m sorry this didn’t work out.

BRANDY
Just admit you took advantage of me. When Charlie was sick, you took advantage of my grief.

PHILLIP
You were desperate for money. I was trying to help. Sometimes things go bad.

BRANDY
So you admit to setting everything up: the fake documents, the shell accounts.

PHILLIP
Of course, but it was all for you. Now, please, I really have to go. I’ll be in touch. I promise.

Brandy watches in despair as Phillip takes off.

INT. HELICOPTER – CONTINUOUS

Phillip takes an incoming call.

PHILLIP
Sandra, my darling girl. You got the tickets? Marvelous. I’ll meet you at the airport in 20 minutes.

He takes one last sad look at the small figure of Brandy who watches him fly away.

EXT. ROOFTOP – CONTINUOUS

Gertie emerges from a rooftop entryway.

BRANDY
You’re a little late.

GERTIE
This isn’t Die Hard.

BRANDY
How did I do? Did you get it?

GERTIE
Your performance made me cry.

BRANDY
I managed to get the tracker on his back without him noticing.

Gertie talks into her com.

GERTIE
Ok, boys, follow him and bring him in.

BRANDY
We make a good team.

GERTIE
Ever consider undercover work?

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s QE Cycle 5 Scene

Logline: Brandy and Phillip’s fake charity scam is under investigation, but Phillip refuses to take the fall.

Essence: A needy person is easily manipulated. Security is fragile.

Scene:

INT. BOUTIQUE CLOTHING STORE – DAY

A luxurious boutique with elegant displays.

BRANDY, 45, plump with extra make-up and extra big hair peruses a rack of evening gowns.

GERTIE, 35, slight but sturdy eyes Brandy. She slowly makes her way over, casually perusing items along the way.

Brandy and Gertie reach for the same Givenchy blue gown.

They both laugh and Gertie lets go.

GERTIE I know you! You’re that lady on tv! You’re the “Yes We CAN!” Lady.

Brandy frames her face and flashes a charming smile.

BRANDY Yes, the Children's Aid Network. I’m heading up an incredible charity gala this weekend.

GERTIE I cry every time I see that commercial.

An awkward pause.

Brandy enters the dressing room. Gertie stands outside.

GERTIE Hey, can I ask you something?

BRANDY (O.S.) Sure. But will you be a darling and help with the zipper?

Brandy opens the door. Gertie steps in and zips.

GERTIE You’re Brandy. Brandy Styles?

Brandy looks worried.

BRANDY Yes. And you are?

GERTIE You can call me Officer Swartz.

Gertie flashes her police badge. Brandy freezes.

BRANDY Goodness gracious, you don't think I'm going to steal this dress, do you?

GERTIE Listen, Brandy. My boss said we should just bring you in, but I want to give you a chance here. We have proof that your charity is a scam…

BRANDY A scam? How dare you? That’s preposterous.

GERTIE We’ll get to all that. But my nose is itching. I got a hunch that your partner, Phillip, Phillip Reinhold, is behind all this… and if you cooperate with us, things will go easy for you.

BRANDY This is ridiculous. Honestly, sneaking up on a person in a dress shop. I’ve never heard of such a thing.

GERTIE Brandy. You need to trust me on this. I got a tip from a lady who told me her and Philip ran an insurance scam together and then left her high and dry. I want to go easy on you. All you have to do is cooperate.

BRANDY Listen, Officer…

GERTIE Swartz.

BRANDY Officer Swartz. Phillip is a man of integrity and vision. He helped me start CAN two years ago when my son… my dear sweet boy, was dying. He’s been by my side ever since.

GERTIE You don’t say…

BRANDY He's selfless and tireless in his work to help children. He’s a wealthy man. He’s got his own money. You’ve got the wrong guy. You’ve got the wrong charity. You’ve got the wrong dressing room.

GERTIE So that’s how you want to play it.

BRANDY This is no game. We save children’s lives every day.

GERTIE I just told you I have evidence… manipulated documents, forged communications and financial transactions that prove your money is not going where you say it’s going.

BRANDY This is absurd. Let me just call Phillip. He’ll straiten all this out.

GERTIE You can call him from the precinct. You’re coming with me.

BRANDY You’re placing me under arrest? What about the children? I’m begging you, please don’t do this.

GERTIE You have the right to remain silent…

CUT TO:

EXT. SKYSCRAPER ROOFTOP/HELIPAD – NIGHT

Brandy watches a helicopter land. She wears an ankle monitor.

PHILLIP, 55, tall and imposing, exits the helicopter. He runs to Brandy and they embrace.

BRANDY Phillip, thank God! What on earth is happening?

PHILLIP My darling girl. I’m so very sorry we must meet like this, but they can’t know we are communicating.

BRANDY I don’t understand – why are all the accounts in my name? You said you’d set it up so nobody could follow the trail!

PHILLIP So they know about the accounts. Don’t worry, dear, they’ve got it wrong! It will all come out in court. Anything else?

BRANDY They said I emptied the accounts right before the arrest. I don’t know what they’re talking about!

PHILLIP Don’t worry. I’ve got the best lawyer lined up. He’ll meet with you tomorrow.

BRANDY Phillip, I’m scared. Do I admit to our chicanery? Or maintain my innocence and hope to get off?

PHILLIP My darling girl, admitting to anything now would only make things worse. Stick to our story. They have nothing. Trust me, we'll get through this.

BRANDY Everything points to me. Everything. All I have to do is tell them you were in on it, that you orchestrated it.

PHILLIP But there’s no proof of that. There never was and there never will be. You’ll only make yourself look worse.

BRANDY You set me up!

PHILLIP Please forgive me, but I must go.

BRANDY Go? Go where? You can’t just leave me here.

Phillip runs to the helicopter and Brandy pursues.

BRANDY Wait! Please, Phillip, don't do this! I trusted you!

Brandy watches in despair as Phillip takes off.

INT. HELICOPTER – CONTINUOUS

Phillip takes an incoming call.

PHILLIP Sandra, my darling girl. You got the tickets? Marvelous. I’ll meet you at the airport in 20 minutes.

He takes one last sad look at the small figure of Brandy who watches him fly away.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Interest Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is… If you want to build a better scene, the max interest techniques are the way to go. Take the time to brainstorm as you build your outline, and you will invariably have an interesting scene that the reader won’t want to put down. You start with the structure and then add character and dialogue techniques – allowing them to build one upon the other.

Logline: Stella’s boss, Regina has taken credit for Stella’s work, but Stella plans to win the war.

Interest technique Ideas:

STRUCTURAL

A. Suspense:
Stella creates/downloads a financial spreadsheet
Stella creates some sort of ‘dossier’ to give to her boss – that’s empty.
Her boss is about to go into a meeting – but is given wrong information – or the information is missing.
Stella makes two folder presentations – one that’s full of information and one that’s empty – she shows her boss the full one – and then switches it to the empty one.

B. Major twist:
When Regina opens the dossier – it’s empty – and she has to wing it… in front of a demanding CEO.
Stella gives Regina to Good dossier by accident.
When Regina gets on the boat, she tosses the laced coffee into the water.

C. Surprise:
Stella always brings Regina coffee – this time it’s laced with a laxative – that takes effect in the middle of the meeting.
Stella has written a mean note on the empty dossier – like “this is what happens when you screw me.” And then there’s a big happy face.
The fake dossier has funny pictures of animals – instead of the important information needed for the meeting. The final page reads, ‘by the way, I quit.’

D. Put in a More Interesting Setting:
The initial ‘truce’ meeting takes place in a bar – where Stella gets Regina drunk.
The payback scene is in a boardroom.
The truce meeting is at a bakery – they talk over coffee and scones
The payback scene is at a fancy restaurant overlooking the city
On a yacht – and Stella can’t go because she gets seasick

E. Mislead / Reveal:
At first, it looks like Stella is being super sweet and caring of Regina, but later we realize it’s a set-up for her sabotage. Stella brings her coffee and a bagel and some Tylenol, etc.

F. Superior Position / Dramatic Irony
Choppy waters or a potential storm my cancel the boat trip
The CEO was planning to fire Regina on this trip anyway – but now he feels sorry for her after he’s seen what Stella has done.

G. Uncertainty — hope / fear:
Stella is worried that Regina will miss the boat because of her hangover.
Will Regina take the fake dossier?
Will she look at it before she gets on the boat?
Will she drink the ex-lax coffee?
There is a delay – will the boat leave the dock?

H. Intrigue:
Stella drives to the dock – there’s a bottle of ex-lax in the passenger seat.
Stella talks on the phone about how she’s going to get revenge on Regina for stealing her ideas.
Stella has two identical dossier’s that she shuffles before she gives it to Regina.

I. Mystery:
What did Regina do to screw Stella over?
Why does Stella go through such extremes to get revenge?
Will her revenge play out as she planned?

J. Cliffhanger:
A storm rolls in – Regina falls overboard
Regina tells the CEO that she’s quitting her job to sell tchotchke on eBay.
The CEO confesses his love for Stella.

K. Dilemma:
The CEO gives Regina a promotion, but only if she keeps Stella as her assistant.

L. Something unseen:
Regina has a lazy husband and is the sole provider for her household. She can’t afford to fail.
Stella doesn’t want to hurt Regina but her boyfriend insists on the sabotage to make things right.
Stella’s co-workers egg her on and force her to sabotage Regina because they all hate her.
Stella and Regina are sisters.

CHARACTER

A. Character changes radically:
We think Regina is being duped by Stella, but she is suspicious and has mitigated the situation just in case Stella turns on her. She appears to be hungover – but in fact, she’s been up all night putting together her own dossier.
After the boat leaves, Stella is struck with a guilty conscience – she tries to call Regina but can’t reach her.

B. Betrayal:
Stella appears to be a concerned and careful assistant, but she’s out to get Regina.

C. Dilemma:
Regina is so hung over, she’s not sure she can even get on the boat – but she must attend the meeting.
Stella is going to lose her job and her reputation for sabotaging Regina – but she doesn’t care because she’s consumed by revenge.
If Regina wants to take the promotion offered by the CEO, she’s going to have to keep Stella as an assistant – someone she’s screwed over and who hates her.

D. Uncomfortable Moment:
Regina’s stomach upset after the ex-lax kicks in.
Regina’s hangover.
When Stella steps on the boat and feigns seasickness. Or maybe she really is seasick. She pukes over the edge.

E. Misinterpretation:
Stella thought she was going to get on the boat and be a part of the meeting, but she wasn’t invited. Regina did it to embarrass her.
Regina thought the CEO wanted a certain dossier, but it turns out he wanted something completely different.

DIALOGUE

A. Hook:
There’s a strange man on the boat – he has a gun? Some sort of secret service maybe? But he gets off the boat before it leaves the dock. He stands on the dock with Stella.
There’s a strange person on the dock who watches the interchange between Stella and Regina. When the boat departs – he ominously tells Stella that the boat will sink.

B. Predictions:
Whatever is in the dossier is so important that the CEO says the future of the company depends on it.

C. Creating a Future:
We now know that Regina needs to reconcile with Stella if she is going to move forward in the company – but how can this happen when she knows how Stella tried to sabotage her?

D. Anticipatory Dialogue: The
Stella tries to make Regina nervous about the meeting – giving her own premonitions and warnings. Putting doubts in Regina’s mind about the CEO and his intentions.

Scene:

INT. CHILI’S BAR – NIGHT

Stella and Regina are well into Margaritas. They’re laughing.

STELLA Oh my god, I can’t believe we had a falling out!

REGINA First time for everything.

STELLA Here’s hoping it’s our last.

REGINA Cheers to that, my friend, my trusted aid. My steady.

Stella flags the waiter.

STELLA Two more please! And some baby backs!

REGINA Girl, you are trouble. You know I’ve got that meeting tomorrow.

STELLA Girl! I’ve got you covered. The dossier is set and ready to go.

REGINA The future of the company depends on it.

STELLA Listen. I get it, you’re the boss. My job is to make you look good. If I have a good idea and you run with it… that’s okay. We need to keep the big picture in mind.

REGINA I’m glad you understand that, now.

The waiter brings two Margaritas.

STELLA Margarita! Margarita! Oh! We should get extra shots!

REGINA You are wicked!

CUT TO:

EXT. BOAT DOCK – DAY

A red sky dawns over the horizon as a showy yacht prepares to set sail.

INT. STELLA’S CAR – DAY

Stella pours Ex-Lax into a Starbucks coffee. She grabs a satchel that contains two identical Blue Folders.

EXT. BOAT DOCK – DAY

Stella exits her car and looks at her watch. She notices a bedraggled HOMELESS MAN who sits fishing at the edge of a dock.

Regina’s car pulls up and she slowly gets out. She wears dark sunglasses and carries a satchel.

STELLA Morning Boss!

REGINA Ugh. How can you be so chipper?

Stella hands her the coffee.

REGINA You’re a dream.

The water is choppy. Stella produces Blue Folder 1.

STELLA Here.

She flips the pages showing Regina the layout.

STELLA Everything’s in order, just follow the bullet points.

REGINA Thanks. With this weather, I wonder if we’ll even leave the dock.

STELLA Oh! I almost forgot!

Stella puts the folder back in her satchel and pulls out a bakery bag and a bottle of Tylenol.

STELLA Thought this might help too.

REGINA Girlfriend, you are in line for a promotion!

Stella laughs. GEORGE, A well dressed, tall, handsome man appears at the bow and waves to the ladies.

REGINA Guess that’s my cue.

Regina heads for the boat. Stella follows.

STELLA Keeping my fingers crossed. George is always full of surprises.

REGINA To be honest, I’m not sure why the CEO suggested this meeting here. Maybe he wants to throw me overboard.

STELLA We can only hope!

Regina gives her a funny look and Stella laughs. Regina laughs.

REGINA Girl, you are wicked.

Regina steps up onto the boat. George assists. He takes Regina’s coffee and her satchel.

GEORGE Regina, welcome!

She is unsteady and looks sick. Stella pulls Blue Folder 2 from her satchel.

STELLA Wait!

She hands the second folder to Regina.

REGINA I really need to pull it together!

Regina dry heaves and rushes to the edge of the boat. She spews into the water.

STELLA Regina! Are you okay?

George rushes to her side. Regina lifts her head and sighs.

REGINA Whew. I feel better now.

George ushers Regina to a comfortable seating area and signals the captain.

REGINA Thanks for everything Stella. I wouldn’t be here without you.

Stella waves from the dock.

STELLA (under her breath) You’re damn right.

The homeless person shuffles over to Stella as the boat pulls away.

HOMELESS MAN Your friend on that boat?

STELLA I don’t have friends.

HOMELESS MAN That’s good because that boat is cursed. I did it. I put a curse on it. It’s going down.

STELLA Why would you do that?

HOMELESS MAN Nothing better to do.

Stella looks warily at the man and walks away.

EXT. YACHT – DAY

The yacht cruises. George hands Regina her coffee and her satchel.

GEORGE Let me see if breakfast is ready and then we’ll get to business.

REGINA Sounds good! I’ve been up half the night working on a new proposal.

GEORGE I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.

George walks away.

Regina opens the Blue Folder to see a series of blank pages. She flips to the last page which reads: “This is what happens when you screw with me. I quit. Stella.”

Regina is furious. She walks to the edge of the boat and tosses the Blue Folder overboard.

She is about to sip the coffee but thinks twice and tosses it overboard.

George returns.

GEORGE I’m sorry, Regina. There’s a squall that’s just come up. My man tells me we’re going to have to turn around.

Regina pulls out a red file from her satchel and flips through it: detailed notes, charts and outlines.

REGINA That’s too bad.

GEORGE No worries. My plan B was to meet at Spargos.

REGINA Just as nice. Listen George, I can’t stand the suspense. You’ll have to tell me what this is all about.

GEORGE You’re right. I do love theatrics. The short of it is, after we wrap up the Penske File, we’d like you and Stella to open our new branch in Barcelona.

REGINA Me and Stella?

GEORGE You both make a great team. Never seen two people work so well together. It’s a package deal that can’t miss.

Regina, smiling, looks at the ominous cloud formation.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Reveals…

What I learned… a reveal has three components, the current situation/cover up, the demand, and then the reveal. The final reveal sends the story in a new direction.

Logline: Mama Lee takes a fall down a flight of stairs. When Lisa and Gabe rush to her aid, secrets are revealed, and animal instincts take over.

Scene:

INT. VANCE’S STUDY – NIGHT

Gabe and Lisa glare at each other.

GABE Don’t worry, you’ll never see me again.

LISA You can’t go. Not this way.

From above they hear a sharp GASP followed by a THUD – then a rapid series of harsh, rhythmic THUMPS and desperate SHRIEKS ending in a final CRASH… then silence.

GABE Mama Lee.

They rush out.

INT. BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS – NIGHT

Mama Lee lays on her back. She MOANS and attempts to rise. Scattered about: an empty box and children's memorabilia.

LISA Mama Lee! Dear god!

Lisa runs to her side.

MAMA LEE Help me up.

GABE No! Don’t move her. Lisa, call an ambulance.

Lisa takes her phone out and calls.

MAMA LEE Don’t be silly. I’m fine. I just landed in a puddle or something.

Gabe examines Mama Lee. She lies in a puddle of blood that grows. Her back is impaled by the sharp edge of raw amethyst paperweight. Lisa hangs up.

LISA They’re coming. Dear lord!

She kneels next to Mama Lee and looks at Gabe. His eyes are grim as he slowly shakes his head. Lisa sees the blood.

LISA What happened?

MAMA LEE I was bringing that box down and must have tripped. I feel like I’m slipping.

LISA What can we do?

GABE Everything is going to be okay. I don’t want to move her an inch.

LISA Mama Lee. I’m so sorry.

Mama Lee groans. Her face is pale. She’s fading.

MAMA LEE Sorry for what child? Is there something you want to confess?

GABE (to Lisa) Leave her alone.

LISA (to Gabe) This is my chance to come clean. God wants me to do it. (to Mama Lee) Mama Lee. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I… Vance and I… we…

MAMA LEE Go ahead and say it.

LISA Vance and I, we were together. For many years.

Mama Lee’s face is pained and angry.

MAMA LEE Why tell me now? You don’t think I knew?

Gabe is shocked.

LISA You knew?

MAMA LEE Gabe, honey, I think I’m dying.

GABE
If I thought you were dying, you know I’d record it.

They watch Mama Lee reach down to the gun holster on her leg. She slowly retrieves her small pistol.

MAMA LEE Vance gave me this to keep me safe. Never used it…. Just kept it for security, I guess. Never thought I’d end this way.

LISA Mama Lee, don’t talk like that. Help is on the way.

MAMA LEE You shut up. You just shut your mouth. The years I suffered with you two sneaking around behind my back. Everyone knowing about it. I played dumb because I had to keep my home. I had to keep my dignity.

LISA It wasn’t my fault! It was Vance! He was relentless. He wouldn’t let me go.

MAMA LEE It takes two, child. It takes two.

LISA Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?

BANG. Mama Lee shoots Lisa. Lisa, stunned, falls back against the wall. Gabe is aghast.

MAMA LEE No.

BANG. She shoots her again. Lisa looks at her wounds, confused.

LISA Perhaps this is how it was always meant to end.

Gabe looks at Lisa in astonishment and is overcome by fear. Mama Lee wheezes and points the gun at Gabe.

MAMA LEE Do I kill the only witness to my madness?

Gabe calmly takes the gun from her.

Mama Lee closes her eyes. Lisa lies still, her eyes wide open.

MAMA LEE Gabe, the typewriter; you should know we were all in on it. Even I knew.

GABE Mama Lee don’t say another word.

MAMA LEE This is no ruse.

Gabe is alarmed and frightened. Mama Lee passes out. The sound of AMBULANCE SIRENS. Gabe looks at the gun in his hand. From the window he can see the ambulance pull up. He looks around, not sure what to do.

[Deb Johnson]

Debs Character Relationships

What I learned doing this assignment was… when you pair the traits of your lead characters, you can see how they will interact with each other from a very high vantage point. There are an infinite number of possible combinations – so I always need to look at each trait and how it might best add interest to not only the scene at hand but also the overall story. It’s incredibly interesting to see what’s there and what can be elevated. The characters and their traits make all the difference. This is a lot of work, but it’s insightful work and well worth the effort.

Top four characters: Gabe, Lisa, Aaron, Mama Lee

Character 1 – Gabe

Intolerant
Charismatic
Exploiter
Fatalistic

Character 2 – Lisa

Demure
Mystical
Duplicitous
Insecure

Gabe/Lisa

Rapport: Gabe’s Charisma inspires devotion and is a haven to Lisa’s insecurity

Conflict: Gabe’s intolerance allows him to only see things his way – and the only way. Lisa is duplicitous – deceitful and double minded. She twists truths to her convenience.

Contrast: Gabe’s Fatalism contrasts with Lisa’s Mystical trait. He sees things as predetermined and inevitable and Lisa has an awe and a fascination with what could be.

Competition: Gabe will exploit a situation while Lisa, demure, will want to cover it up

Subtext: Gabe feels protective towards Lisa and admires her mystical quality – something he lacks. They clash over situations that require transparency.

Improvement:
Change Gabe from Fatalistic to Rational – it’s a straightforward contrast to Lisa’s mysticism.

Gabe:
Intolerant
Charismatic
Exploiter
Rational

Character 3 – Aaron

Rebellious
Selfish
Pragmatic
Pot-stirrer

Gabe/Aaron

Rapport: Gabe’s rational approach to things matches perfectly with Aaron’s pragmatism.

Conflict: Gabe’s intolerance (rigid beliefs) clashes with Aaron’s rebellion (defiance of norms/rules).

Contrast: Aaron will start trouble by stirring the pot, while Gabe will take an existing situation and exploit it for his own benefit.

Competition: Aaron, being selfish, will only act in ways that benefit him. Gabe’s charisma is the way he manipulates others toward his agenda.

Subtext: Gabe leads with Charisma and a fixed point of view which will clash and contrast with Aaron who eschews authority and only looks out for himself.

Improvement:
Change Aaron from Pot-stirrer to Fair – it’s a straightforward contrast to Gabe’s exploitation.

Character 4 – Mamma Lee

Skeptical
A survivor
Homey
Stubborn

Gabe:
Intolerant
Charismatic
Exploiter
Rational

Rapport: Gabe is intolerant which is similar to Mama Lee's stubbornness. If they are on the same side of things, they will be strong together – otherwise, this is could also be a conflict.

Conflict: Since Mama Lee is a survivor, she will do whatever necessary, even compromising, or unethical things to stay safe. Gabe's intolerance of anything that doesn't align with his ethics/morals will challenge Mama Lee.

Contrast: While Gabe is rational, Mama Lee is skeptical. If Gabe finds something reasonable, Mama Lee will question or challenge it – even if it makes sense… but especially when it doesn't.

Competition: Mama Lee values the homey and comfortable which is challenged by Gabe who Exploits and dramatizes even the ordinary.

Subtext: Mama Lee and Gabe will get along as long as they agree – otherwise it will be a push and pull to see who wins.

Change – Mama Lee from Stubborn to Submissive. This is a complete flip for her – but it contrasts nicely with Gabe's Intolerance. More likely to acquiesce to the intolerant person's opinions and avoid confrontation. Gabe is already challenged by Lisa and Aaron, it would be nice to have someone waffle around him and give in.

This also changes the subtext: Mama Lee and Gabe may or may not agree, but Mama Lee will give in and submit to Gabe when push comes to shove.

Character 2 – Lisa

Demure
Mystical
Duplicitous
Insecure

Aaron:
Rebellious
Selfish
Pragmatic
Fair

Rapport: Lisa is intrigued by Aaron’s rebellious nature. Their shared insecurities give them both an understanding of their possible vulnerability.

Conflict: Lisa’s duplicity with clash with Aaron’s desire for fairness. But Aaron’s selfishness will conflict with Lisa’s insecurity – putting his needs above hers. There also might be conflict over Lisa being demure and Aaron being rebellious… he might find her passive nature frustrating or uninteresting.

Contrast: Lisa is mystical and Aaron is pragmatic.
Competition: They might compete for control or influence within the group, if they don’t agree on something.

Subtext: Aaron and Lisa have a shared desire to win, but are vastly different people, which will cause conflict as their plot unfolds.

Change – Aaron from Pragmatic to Utilitarian – in other words a more extreme form of pragmatism – sacrificing the needs/rights of the minority for the greater good. It will be interesting to balance Aaron’s fairness with this utilitarianism – as he will try to treat the individual he’s stepping on with a light touch… that doesn’t do too much damage.

Lisa & Mama Lee

Lisa
Demure
Mystical
Duplicitous
Insecure

Mama Lee
Skeptical
A survivor
Homey
Submissive

Rapport: they find common ground in their submissive and demure characteristics… wanting to avoid confrontation and seek peace. This is especially intriguing since Lisa is/was the secret lover of Mama Lee’s husband. Also, Lisa can take refuge from her insecurities with the hominess of Mama Lee.

Conflict: Mama Lee, as skeptical, can see through Lisa’s duplicity and is distrustful/suspicious of her. Mama Lee will also dismiss Lisa’s mysticism. As a survivalist, Mama Lee’s straightforward approach will conflict with Lisa’s duplicity.

Contrast: Lisa’s mysticism with Mama Lees Skepticism. Mama Lee is resilient and practical while Lisa will deceive and manipulate to achieve her goals.

Compete: In situations where trust and reliability are crucial, Lisa's duplicity could be pitted against Mama Lee's skepticism and survivor instincts, leading to a struggle for credibility and authority.

Subtext: Mama Lee and Lisa have secretly been in competition over one man for many years. Lisa has always been one step ahead, but Mama Lee may soon get the upper hand.

Aaron and Mama Lee

Aaron:
Rebellious
Selfish
Utilitarian
Fair

Mama Lee:
Skeptical
A survivor
Homey
Submissive

Rapport: Both are survivalists and approach things pragmatically. They will both go for practical solutions. Mama Lee’s hominess can be a grounding force for Aaron. She relies on him to be fair when she can’t or won’t speak her mind from her submissiveness.

(Note: Maybe Aaron is a double-crosser – he uses Lisa to get what he wants but is ultimately aligned with Mama Lee, against Lisa)

Conflict: While Aaron is selfish and needs to challenge authority and push boundaries, this conflicts with Mama Lee’s more gentle approach to life. Her skepticism could also clash with the rebellious/selfish nature – she will question his motives. She will know, ultimately, that he’s just out for himself and her homey nature will want to protect the group from him. Also there will be clashes over greater good versus individual well-being.

Contrast: Mama Lee is submissive and homey, while Aaron is rebellious and self-centered. Mama Lee’s survivor trait contrasts with Aaron’s rebelliousness. While she might rely on endurance and adaptability, he prefers to challenge and disrupt the status quo to survive and thrive.

Competition: Aaron’s utilitarianism/fairness might sometimes conflict with Mama Lee’s nurturing and protective nature, especially in scenarios where tough decisions need to be made.

Subtext: With a strong desire to save their town, Aaron allies with Mama Lee and invites her into the plot… but nobody else is aware of their alliance.

[Deb Johnson]

This is my scene from Lesson 17

LOGLINE: Renee accompanies her friend, Maxine, to a secret meet-up with Maxine’s online boyfriend, but all is not as it seems.

ESSENCE: A friend can push you to your limit.

TRAIT CHANGED: I changed Maxine from Tricky to Formidable.

SCENE:

INT. OAKLAND MALL – NIGHT

RENEE, 16, perfectly coifed and polished and MAXINE, 16, fit and muscular in grunge, walk down a large corridor.
This is a sad shell of a once vibrant mall. A quarter of the shops are open and there's an eerie feeling of desolation.

Maxine spots a tall, bald man who walks quickly toward them.

MAXINE
You sure you didn't tell anyone about this?

RENEE
Absolutely!

MAXINE
Then why is Principle Skinner walking towards us like he's got a vendetta?

RENEE
Pardonez-moi?

PRINCIPAL SKINNER stops. He wears Sketchers and sweats.

RENEE
Principal Skinner!

PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Girls! What brings you here?

RENEE
I'll ask you the same!

MAXINE
What's it to you?

PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Getting my steps in! The mall’s closing. C’mon. I’ll walk you both out.

RENEE
How kind! Thank you so much!

Renee turns to follow. Maxine shoots her daggers’.

RENEE
But we came to get our Cinnabon on.

PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Oh, well, better hurry. See you at school!

MAXINE
Bye!

RENEE
Au revoir!

MAXINE
What a tool. That was so freaking close. If he tells my parents he saw me, I’m cooked.

RENEE
Perhaps it’s a sign to turn back.

MAXINE
Sure you didn’t tell him I’d be here?

RENEE
Well played. I must admit defeat. I’ve got Principal Skinners personal phone number and I texted him earlier to ask him to meet us at the mall so he could meet your online boyfriend.

MAXINE
Shhh! Don’t talk so loud about it.

RENEE
Let us proceed. I’m sure we’re one step closer to being abducted, but we need get to the fountain before security escorts us out.

MAXINE
What security? There’s nothing to secure. Besides I can handle myself. I told you to take the expressway.

RENEE
It’s under construction!

They walk past several shops that are closed. The windows are papered over and the entrances are gated and locked.

RENEE
I find this place rather unsettling. Not exactly a romantic rendezvous for your beloved Arlo.

MAXINE
Stop dissing him. You’re free to leave anytime.

RENEE
I refuse to abandon you.

MAXINE
You had no problem leaving me alone before.

RENEE
Could we please refrain from revisiting that topic? I’m here to make things right.

They pass a suave, middle-aged Albanian Man. He watches them.
Renee grabs Maxine’s hand.

RENEE
(whispering)
Whoa! Creepy. He’s giving off major Ted Bundy vibes.

MAXINE
He’s packing.

Worried, Renee turns around for another look. He’s greeted by another Albanian man.

RENEE
Silly us. I think they own that shoe store… maybe.

The girls arrive at the fountain. It’s a large pool that once cascaded fresh clear water, but is now empty. The entrance gate on a nearby abandoned shop is half open.

RENEE
Oh, Look, a perfect place for Arlo to kidnap you and whisk you through the back delivery door to a waiting van outside.

MAXINE
As if. Stop trying to make me nervous. I’ve thought of everything. What could possibly go wrong?

RENEE
Famous last words.
Both girls sit on the edge of the fountain. Nobody is around.

MAXINE
Where could he be?

Maxine gets out her phone and texts. So does Renee.

Insert Renee’s Phone: She types: “Where are you?” Response: “I’m at Forever 21” She types: “I said the Fountain” Response: “oops, on my way.”

Renee sighs, rolls her eyes, and looks around anxiously.

RENEE
Slowly dying here. What does he say?

MAXINE
Nothing. You should have taken the expressway!

RENEE
Perhaps it’s for the best. It’s more appropriate to meet a nice fellow at church or at school…
Maxine looks over at a column. Someone stands behind it. She lights up and walks towards it.

MAXINE
Arlo? Is that you?

Renee fumbles in her purse.

RENEE
Wait. Let me get my pepper spray.

MAXINE
Hello! Arlo?

RENEE
Shouldn’t you be playing hard-to-get?

Maxine circles the column. The person evades her. She keeps circling, trying to catch him. She laughs.

MAXINE
Arlo! Stop! It’s me! Maxine!

She catches him by the shirt. He stops and turns: JOSH, 19, a big kid with s soft, dopey face. Maxine is horrified.

MAXINE
Josh!? What the hell?!

RENEE
Josh, what a coincidence! What brings you here?

JOSH
I uh, I don’t…

He looks helplessly at Renee. Maxine catches on.

MAXINE
Renee. You promised you wouldn’t tell a soul. And now my brother is here! My brother!

Maxine bursts into tears and runs away.

RENEE
Maxine!

MAXINE
I never want to see you again. Ever. (calling) Arlo! Arlo?

Renee turns to run but Josh stops her.

RENEE
I can’t just let her go!

JOSH
You’ve interfered enough already.

RENEE
I had to tell somebody! I was worried! She can be so reckless! Where is this loser anyway?

JOSH
I made him up.

RENEE
You what?

JOSH
Do you think I’d let her meet a stranger online? It was the only way I could protect her. I thought when the guy didn’t actually show up, it would shatter her fairytale dream and bring her back to reality.

Maxine SCREAMS. There’s a GUNSHOT. Renee and Josh exchange an alarmed glance and take off toward the noise.

RENEE
The Albanians!

Renee and Josh come upon Maxine, in shock, who stands, shaking, holding a gun over a prostrate Albanian.

MAXINE
He tried to grab me!

[Deb Johnson]

LOGLINE: Renee accompanies her friend, Maxine, to a secret meet-up with Maxine’s online boyfriend, but all is not as it seems.

ESSENCE: A friend in need is a friend indeed.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: I changed Maxine from Tricky to Formidable.

SCENE:

INT. OAKLAND MALL – NIGHT
RENEE, 16, perfectly coifed and polished and MAXINE, 16, fit and muscular, walk down a large corridor.
This is a sad shell of a once vibrant mall. A quarter of the shops are open and there’s an eerie feeling of desolation.
Maxine spots a tall, bald man who walks quickly toward them.
MAXINE
You sure you didn’t tell anyone about this?
RENEE
Absolutely!
MAXINE
Then why is Principle Skinner walking towards us like he’s got a vendetta?
RENEE
Pardonez-moi?
PRINCIPAL SKINNER stops. He wears Sketchers and sweats.
RENEE
Principal Skinner!
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Girls! What brings you here?
RENEE
I’ll ask you the same!
MAXINE (mumbles)
What business is it of yours?

PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Getting my steps in! The mall’s closing. C’mon. I’ll walk you both out.
RENEE
How kind! Thank you so much!
Renee turns to follow. Maxine shoots her daggers’.
RENEE
But we came to get our Cinnabon on.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Oh, well, better hurry. See you at school!
MAXINE
Bye.
RENEE
Au revoir!

MAXINE
What a tool. That was so freaking close. If he tells my parents he saw me, I’m cooked.
RENEE
He runs into students all the time. I’m sure he’s already forgotten about us.
MAXINE
Sure you didn’t tell him I’d be here?
RENEE
Well played. I must admit defeat. I’ve got Principal Skinners personal phone number and I texted him earlier to ask him to meet us at the mall so he could meet your online boyfriend.
MAXINE
Shhh! Don’t talk so loud about it.
RENEE
Let us proceed. I’m sure we’re one step closer to being abducted, but we need get to the fountain before security escorts us out.
MAXINE
What security? There’s nothing to secure. Besides I can handle myself.
RENEE
No dispute there.
They walk past several shops that are closed. The windows are papered over and the entrances are gated and locked.
RENEE
I find this place rather unsettling. Not exactly a romantic rendezvous for your beloved Arlo.
MAXINE
Stop dissing him. You’re free to leave anytime.
RENEE
I refuse to abandon you.
MAXINE
You had no problem leaving me alone before.
RENEE
Could we please refrain from revisiting that topic? I have already apologized.
They pass a suave, middle-aged Albanian Man. He watches them.
Renee grabs Maxine’s hand.
RENEE
(whispering)
Whoa! Creepy. He’s giving off major Ted Bundy vibes.
MAXINE
He’s packing.
Renee turns around for another look. He’s greeted by another Albanian man.
RENEE
Silly us. I think they own that shoe store.
The girls arrive at the fountain. It’s a large pool that use to cascade with fresh clear water, but now it’s empty. The entrance gate on a nearby abandoned shop is half open.
RENEE
Oh, Look, a perfect place for Arlo to kidnap you and whisk you through the back delivery door to a waiting van outside.
MAXINE
As if. Stop trying to make me nervous. What could possibly go wrong?
RENEE
Famous last words.
Both girls sit on the edge of the fountain. Nobody is around.
MAXINE
Where could he be?
Maxine gets out her phone and texts. So does Renee.
Insert Renee’s Phone: She types: “Where are you?” Response: “I’m at Forever 21” She types: “I said the Fountain” Response: “oops, on my way.”
Renee sighs, rolls her eyes, and looks around anxiously.
RENEE
Slowly dying here. What exactly did he say?
MAXINE
Nothing. Maybe something came up.
RENEE
Perhaps it’s for the best. It’s more appropriate to meet a nice fellow at church or at school…
Maxine looks over at a column. Someone stands behind it. She lights up and walks towards it.
MAXINE
Is it you?
Renee fumbles in her purse.
RENEE
Wait. Let me get my pepper spray.
MAXINE
Hello! Arlo?
RENEE
Shouldn’t you be playing hard-to-get?
Maxine circles the column. The person evades her. She keeps circling, trying to catch him. She laughs.
MAXINE
Arlo! It’s me! Maxine!
She catches him by the shirt. He stops and turns: JOSH, 19, a big kid with s soft, dopey face. Maxine is horrified.
MAXINE
Josh!? What the hell?! Renee!
RENEE
Josh, what a coincidence! What brings you here?
JOSH
I uh, I don’t…
He looks helplessly at Renee. Maxine catches on.
MAXINE
Renee. You promised you wouldn’t tell a soul. And now my brother is here! My brother!
Maxine bursts into tears and runs away.
RENEE
Maxine!
MAXINE
I never want to see you again. Ever. (calling) Arlo! Arlo!
Renee turns to run but Josh stops her.
RENEE
I’ve got to make this right!
JOSH
You’ve interfered enough already.
RENEE
I had to tell somebody! I was worried! She can be so reckless! Where is this loser anyway?
JOSH
I made him up.
RENEE
You what?
JOSH
Do you think I’d let her meet a stranger online? It was the only way I could protect her. I thought when the guy didn’t actually show up, it would shatter her fairytale dream and bring her back to reality.
Maxine SCREAMS. There’s a GUNSHOT. Renee and Josh exchange an alarmed glance and take off toward the noise.
RENEE
The Albanians!
Renee and Josh come upon Maxine, in shock, who stands, shaking, holding a gun over a prostrate Albanian.
MAXINE
He tried to grab me!

[Deb Johnson]

This is my scene from Lesson 14 –

LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire have volunteered to manage their bosses’ late aunt's garage sale, but they’re both hiding something.

Essence: two wrongs make everything worse

EXT. OPEN GARAGE/YARD – DAY

A sweltering summer day. A garage, driveway, and yard are strewn with tables: a huge garage sale, festive with a popcorn maker, balloons, and almost a century of junk. Customers mill about.
NANCY, 25, crisp and efficient, wears a single wireless earbud and moves about.
She secures a balloon and gives it to a LITTLE BOY.

NANCY
Mr. Tomkins! I wanted to assure you that all is going as planned.

She reaches into a cooler and hands an Old Woman a water.

MR. TOMKINS (V.O.)
(in the earbud)
Find anything valuable, besides my Aunt Margaret's China collection?

She moves into the garage and peeks behind some boxes. Her eyes go wide and dart about frantically. Something's missing.

NANCY
The Royal Copenhagen China is on display. I'll get the best price for it.

MR. TOMKINS
Nancy, you're the best. I can't thank you and Squire enough for handling this for my aunt's estate.

Nancy glares at SQUIRE, 25, a modern hippie. He wears an old woman's tea party hat and sips water. He lounges in the only shady corner, in a big comfy chair (for sale) in front of an electric fan (for sale.)
Squire glances at his phone; a worried look. He looks around and is distracted by an attractive woman. He knocks off the silly hat and checks his hair in a vintage mirror.

NANCY
You're welcome, Mr. Tomkins! I'll see you Monday. Take care now.

Nancy clicks off her earbud and beelines to Squire.

Squire moves towards the attractive woman then notices the balloon boy next to her. He slams on the brakes, veers the other way, and almost runs into a HOT SHOPPER… twice as pretty as the other woman.

SQUIRE
Well, hello.

He has a charming smile. She looks at corning ware.

SQUIRE
This cornflower is lovely, but have you seen the Blue Fluted China?

He gently touches her shoulder and leads her. Nancy watches from the garage. The Hot Shopper tears up.

HOT SHOPPER
Oh my god, this is just like the set my grandmother had.

He casually leans on the shelving unit and gazes at her with interest. Hot Shopper looks at the price.

HOT SHOPPER
But, way too expensive.

SQUIRE
What if I told you it was half off?

HOT SHOPPER
You would do that for me?

SQUIRE
Darling, I'd…

Balloon boy walks up and blows into a harmonica.

BALLOON BOY
Mommy! Look what I found!

Hot Shopper is horrified. She snatches it away and throws it to the floor. Squire is wide-eyed at his own mistake.

HOT SHOPPER
Honey! That's disgusting!

The boy cries. She tries to console him.

HOT SHOPPER
Yes, I'll take it. If you could just box it…

Squire smiles, assents, and walks away. He gets another PHONE ALERT and looks concerned. Nancy walks up.

SQUIRE
Oh, good! I've been…

NANCY
Come here.

Nancy grabs his shirt and ushers him away from the people.

SQUIRE
Easy, that's polyester, Listen…

NANCY
Why in the world would you discount that China?

SQUIRE
Hey, at least we made a sale. We've gotta move the merchandise!

NANCY
Not the Royal Copenhagen you idiot!

SQUIRE
Easy there, tiger, life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

Nancy stares at him with a tight jaw and hands on her hips.

NANCY
You've been sitting on your ass all day! The only reason you volunteered was to get in good with Mr. Tomkins.

SQUIRE
Nancy, you know you're just as ambitious as I am. It's one of the things I admire about you.

NANCY
Shush. I'm not done. What did you do with the painting I put behind those boxes?

SQUIRE
Painting?

NANCY
Don't play dumb with me.

SQUIRE
I've been moving all those heavy boxes from the basement and attic, trying to keep up. Sorry, I'm not working as hard as you. But I'll help you find the painting, no worries.

NANCY
I don't want us to get into trouble over this. Let's just find a way to make it right.

Squire casually looks over at his car parked nearby. Nancy follows his gaze and can see the painting in the back seat of the car. She walks over and he follows.

NANCY
Huh. Interesting. What's that?

SQUIRE
Oh, that painting… thought it would look good in my man cave.

NANCY
Really. I'll take it from here.

Squire opens the car door and takes the painting out.

SQUIRE
My bad. No muss no fuss.

Squire carries the painting back to the garage. She follows. They stop near the shelf full of China. Nancy tries to take the painting, but Squire hangs on.

NANCY
We've got a real dilemma here.

SQUIRE
Finders keepers?

NANCY
Either Mr. Tomkins gives one of us the promotion, or, there's a risk that, if this sale is a success, he'll team us up on another project.

SQUIRE
Would that be so bad?

NANCY
It's kind of like being paired with the lazy kid on the science fair project.

SQUIRE
I always got a blue ribbon!

NANCY
I'm sure it said participant.
Give me the painting, Squire.

SQUIRE
C'mon, Nancy. Admit it. You were going to steal this painting too. It's no big deal.

NANCY
I was trying to keep it safe!

They both have a firm grip on the painting and tug back and forth. Nancy steps back, slips on the harmonica, and falls back into the shelving of China. It crashes to the floor. Nancy and Squire are aghast. All the customers gape.

SQUIRE
Nice going, Nancy.

NANCY
It was an accident!

SQUIRE
Well, now it's free.

There's a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder.

NANCY
Oh, no!

SQUIRE
That's what I've been trying to tell you. I've been getting Storm Warning alerts on my phone.

Rain falls; a heavy downpour. Customers run to their cars.

Nancy clicks on her earbud.

NANCY
Go for Nancy.

SQUIRE
Look at the bright side… we probably won't ever have to work together again.

NANCY
Hello, Mr. Tomkins!

[Deb Johnson]

posted this in error.

[Deb Johnson]

LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire have volunteered to manage their bosses’ late aunts garage sale, but they’re both hiding something.

Essence: two wrongs make everything worse

Scene:

EXT. OPEN GARAGE/YARD – DAY

A sweltering summer day. A garage, driveway and yard are strewn with tables: a huge garage sale, festive with a popcorn maker, balloons and almost a century of junk. Customers mill about.

NANCY, 25, crisp and efficient, wears a single wireless earbud and moves about.

She secures a balloon and gives it to a LITTLE BOY.

NANCY
Mr. Tomkins! I wanted to assure you that all is going as planned.

She reaches into a cooler and hands an OLD WOMAN a water.

MR. TOMKINS (V.O.)
(in the earbud)
Find anything valuable, besides Aunt Margaret's China collection?

She moves into the garage and peaks behind some boxes. Her eyes go wide and dart about frantically. Something's missing.

NANCY
The Royal Copenhagen is on display. I'll get the best price for it.

MR. TOMKINS (V.O.)
Nancy, you're the best. I can't thank you and Squire enough for handling this for my aunt's estate.

Nancy glares at SQUIRE, 25, a modern hippie. He wears an old woman's tea-party hat and sips water. He lounges in the only shady corner, in a big comfy chair (for sale) in front of an electric fan (for sale.)

Squire glances at his phone; a worried look. He looks around and is distracted by an attractive woman. He knocks off the silly hat and checks his hair in a vintage mirror.

NANCY
You're welcome, Mr. Tomkins! I'll see you Monday.

Nancy clicks off her earbud and beelines to Squire.

Squire moves towards the woman then notices the balloon boy next to her and veers the other way… and almost runs into a HOT SHOPPER… twice as pretty as the other woman.

SQUIRE
Well, hello.

He has a charming smile. She looks at corning ware.

SQUIRE
This cornflower is lovely, but have you seen the Blue Fluted China?

HOT SHOPPER
Really? Where?

SQUIRE
Right this way, milady!

He gently touches her shoulder and leads her. Nancy watches from the garage. The Hot Shopper tears up.

HOT SHOPPER
Oh my god, this is just like the set my grandmother had.

He casually leans on the shelving unit and gazes at her with interest. Hot Shopper looks at the price.

HOT SHOPPER
But, way too expensive.

SQUIRE
What if I told you it was half off?

HOT SHOPPER
You would do that for me?

SQUIRE
Darling, I'd…

Balloon boy walks up and blows into a harmonica.

BALLOON BOY
Mommy! Look what I found!

Hot Shopper is horrified. She snatches it away and throws it to the floor. Squire is wide-eyed at his own mistake.

HOT SHOPPER
Honey! That's disgusting!

The boy cries. She tries to console him.

HOT SHOPPER
Yes, I'll take it. If you could just box it…

Squire smiles, assents and walks away. He gets another PHONE ALERT and looks concerned. Nancy walks up.

SQUIRE
Oh, good! I've been…

NANCY
Come here.

Nancy grabs his shirt and ushers him away from the people.

SQUIRE
Easy, that's polyester, Listen…

NANCY
Why in the world would you discount that China?

SQUIRE
Hey, at least we made a sale. We've gotta move the merchandise!

NANCY
Not the Royal Copenhagen you idiot!

SQUIRE
Easy there, tiger, life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

Nancy stares at him with a tight jaw and hands on her hips.

NANCY
You've been sitting on your ass all day! The only reason you volunteered was to get in good with Mr. Tomkins.

SQUIRE
Nancy, you know you're just as ambitious as I am. It's one of the things I admire about you.

NANCY
Shush. I'm not done. What did you do with the painting I put behind those boxes.

SQUIRE
Painting?

NANCY
Don't play dumb with me. It could be worth a lot of money.

SQUIRE
I've been moving all those heavy boxes from the basement and attic, trying to keep up. Sorry I'm not working as hard as you. But I'll help you find the painting, no worries.

NANCY
What do you know?

Squire casually looks over at his car parked nearby.

SQUIRE
Nothing.

Nancy follows his gaze and can see the painting in the back seat of the car. She walks over and he follows.

NANCY
What's that?

SQUIRE
Oh, that painting. Yeah. I thought it’d look good in my man cave.

Squire opens the car door and takes the painting out.

SQUIRE
My bad. No muss no fuss.

Squire carries the painting back to the garage. She follows. They stop near the shelf full of China. Nancy tries to take the painting, but Squire hangs on.

NANCY
We've got a real dilemma here.

SQUIRE
Finders’ keepers?

NANCY
Either Mr. Tomkins gives one of us the promotion, or there's a risk that, if this sale is a success, he'll team us up on another project.

SQUIRE
Would that be so bad?

NANCY
It's like always being paired with the stupid kid on the science fair project. Give me the painting, Squire.

SQUIRE
C'mon, Nancy. Admit it. You were going to steal this painting too. It's no big deal.

NANCY
I was trying to keep it safe!

They both have a firm grip on the painting and tug back and forth. Nancy steps back, slips on the harmonica, and falls back into the shelving of China. It crashes to the floor. All the customer’s gape.

SQUIRE
Well, now it's free.

There's a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder.

NANCY
Oh, no!

SQUIRE
That's what I've been trying to tell you. I've been getting Storm Warning alerts on my phone.

Rain falls; a heavy downpour. Customers run to their cars.

SQUIRE
Probably should bring the stuff in.

NANCY
Forget it. Too late.

SQUIRE
Look at the bright side… we probably won't ever have to work together again.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is there are 9 additional interest techniques that can elevate the quality of my scenes. The more techniques I use, the more compelling my scenes will be.

Interest Techniques I used:
I used all 9. Let’s see how it goes…

Logline: The reading of the last will and testament of Pastor Vance Hollister.

Essence: Last Words Ignored.

INT. VANCE'S STUDY – DAY
The furniture is big, heavy and as old as the rectory. An ATTORNEY, 70 and worn out, sits at the desk while Gabe, Mama Lee, and Aaron sit in scattered, furnished chairs.

Tunney sits close to the desk near Vance's Ceramic Urn.

The Attorney produces a Bible.

AARON
Oh, no. I thought we were here for Vance's will.

ATTORNEY
This is his will.

Aaron gets up.

AARON
Call me when you get to Revelation.

ATTORNEY
He wrote it on the inside cover and gave it to me.

MAMA LEE
It was next to his bed before he…

Aaron sits.

AARON
Well, in that case.

MAMA LEE
Go ahead.

ATTORNEY
(reading)
I'm Vance Hollister. This is my last will. I'm pretty sound. I'm writing, aren't I. Here's my will. One. Money goes to my mom.

Mama Lee scowls. The others look at her, uncomfortable.

MAMA LEE
Wasn't much left. Anyway, I already emptied the account.

ATTORNEY
Two. Tunney to care for Lee.

Tunney is shocked. The door opens: Ella slips in, unnoticed.

AARON
Oh, sure, let's give the most irresponsible person in the room to care for Mama Lee's estate.

MAMA LEE
Not much of an estate. I've got to move out of here, anyways.

AARON
I'll help.

Ella stands in a corner, directly behind Gabe's chair.

ATTORNEY
Three. Give letter to Gabe Shore.

Attorney hands Gabe a sealed envelope marked "For Gabe Shore's Eyes Only." THUNDER CRACKS. Tunney is unnerved.

All eyes on Gabe as a heavy storm downpours.

Insert Letter: "Do you remember that cursed typewriter? I hid it to protect everyone. Don't go looking for it. Keep it hidden."

Ella can see and read the letter. Aaron notices her.

AARON
Ella!

Ella shrieks.

AARON
What are you doing?

ELLA
Why would Vance care about an old typewriter?

MAMA LEE
Oh my god, the typewriter, again?!

TUNNEY
What do you know about it?

GABE
I don't.

AARON
What's it say?

Gabe hands the letter to Aaron. He peruses it.

AARON
(reading)
Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.

Aaron hands the letter back to Gabe. They all stare at Ella.

ELLA
Fine.

She exits.

ATTORNEY
Next he wrote: Lisa, question mark.

Mama Lee glowers. Aaron and Tunney look embarrassed. Gabe is immersed in the letter.

MAMA LEE
You done?

ATTORNEY
Finally (reading) Aaron, don't cause trouble. Do as I say or…

AARON
That's it?

ATTORNEY
That's it.

THUNDER CRACKS. Lights out as Tunney Jumps.

There's a TOPPLING.

Phone lights illuminate the room. Vance's Ashes have scattered over the desk and the Bible.

Mama Lee shrieks. Everyone's horrified.

ATTORNEY
Now the trashing of Vance's last wishes is complete.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that there is a focused and specific way to add challenging situations to my character(s) in each scene. Look specifically at the character's Goal, Needs, Values, and Wound and brainstorm ways to challenge them in each area. Finally – look for any physical challenge that could charge the scene. From these lists, you should be able to find a few gems that will challenge your character and make the scene more dynamic.

Current Scene Logline: Encouraged by Lisa, Gabe easily finds a secret door that leads to a tunnel where a mysterious typewriter is hidden.

Essence: Looking for evil and finding it.

Possible Challenges:

Goal – To satiate his burning curiosity over an old mystery.
– Someone discourages him from pursuing it – saying it’s a hoax or a wild goose chase
– He thinks it will be a waste of time
– Something bigger demands his attention
– He doesn’t have the confidence to find it.
– He feels obligated to honor the wishes of Vance – who wanted to keep it hidden
– He vaguely remembers the situation in which it was hidden – and realizes this might unearth something evil.
– He doesn’t want to upset the deceased wife over the issue
– He is suicidal and mentally doesn’t have the energy to pursue the mystery.

Needs – To impress others with his Observational Skills: he notices subtle details that others might overlook.
– He overlooks a crucial detail
– Someone else notices something he overlooked (he feels outshined)
– He’s embarrassed by misinterpreting a significant detail
– Lisa fails to be impressed
– The stress of the situation dulls his skills
– There is a misleading clue – perhaps some sabotage
– There is something “high stakes” about finding it which challenges his normal level of precision

Values – the Sensational
– He finds something – but it’s like a Hiraldo Rivera thing with an empty chest.
– A red herring leads to a dead end.
– He has an ethical dilemma because Vance doesn’t want him to unearth it.
– He’s disillusioned and doesn’t think there’s anything sensational anymore – it’s all smoke and mirrors.
– The excitement and dramatic revelation puts him in danger – it’s a risky environment
– If the story got out that he was pursuing something as outlandish as a haunted typewriter, it would tarnish his reputation

Wound – The severed relationships (especially with Lisa) he left behind when he joined the army. His perception of missed opportunities.
– He comes across an old photo of himself with the rest of the gang – before he left
– He sees a picture of Vance and Vance’s brother, Edmund, who was a victim of the typewriter.
– He has an emotional flashback of him saying goodbye to Lisa
– Old music reminds him of his past
– He looks at his reflection in an antique mirror and can’t believe how he’s aged
– Aaron continues to bring up the past – forcing him to look back at what he had forgotten
–

Physical – Something happening in the office.
– Heavy furniture – he has to move it and is exhausted.
– Narrow passage – claustrophobic
– Poor lighting
– Dust causes allergic reactions or respiratory issues
– A crumbling structure
– He comes across a rat, bat or insects

Quick Summary of Revised Scene:
Gabe looks around the office for clues to where it might be hidden and notices photos on the wall of himself and the rest of the old gang… reminding him of the relationships he abandoned and the life he could have had. He also sees an old picture of the deceased, Vance, with Vance’s brother, Edmund, who was a victim of the typewriter. He has a quick, but fuzzy flashback of the disturbing event and realizes Vance might be right to keep the typewriter hidden.
He notices that these and other photos, in their own way, point to an enormous bureau and bookcase. Lisa thinks he’s on to something and encourages him to move it – maybe there’s something behind it. It’s to heavy for him to move. Lisa gets Aaron to help. Aaron makes fun of Gabe, telling him as they move it, that he hopes this won’t be a Geraldo Rivera moment with Al Capones vault. Gabe tells them both to be quiet because he doesn’t want to upset the deceased wife, Mama Lee, with their snooping. Aaron makes a ruckus and Mama Lee comes in. She laughs at them, saying it’s all a hoax and Gabe should feel foolish for believing anything Vance told him. They finally get the bureau moved and there’s nothing there. He’s embarrassed and the brief excitement he felt comes crashing down in disappointment. Lisa notices a rip in the carpeting and pulls it back to reveal a trap door. He feels outshined that he didn’t notice this himself… he crawls down – the others follow him into an underground tunnel.

Current Scene Logline: Gabe, Mama Lee, and Lisa find an old journal which reveals the motivations of the malevolent force behind the typewriter.

Essence: Digging into the past is painful

Goal – To satiate his burning curiosity over an old mystery.
– The journal is missing pages and incomplete
– She wrote cryptically
– There’s lots of irrelevant details that have nothing to do with the typewriter
– It’s full of conflicting accounts
– The journal is illegibil – the writing is smudged or faded
– It’s written in a foreign language
– The journal laments about regret and lost relationships – inciting Gabe to reflect on his own wounds
– There are warnings in it about pursuing or using the typewriting which forbodes danger.

Needs – To impress others with his Observational Skills: he notices subtle details that others might overlook.
– He overthinks and misses the obvious
– The other women are also very skilled at observing and beat him to the punch
– He’s mentally exhausted and doesn’t have the mental capacity to discern any clues
– He’s emotionally distracted by Lisa, who he is falling for again.
– He’s not familiar with the shorthand that’s used in the writing
– The ladies put pressure on him to discern the clues and this makes him shut down.

Values – the sensational
– The journal is mundane with nothing to help them
– It provides contradictory evidence
– He’s disappointed when he finds out that the author is someone he knows – who isn’t sensational at all
– There are a lot of confusing details
– The journal warns of real dangers –

Wound – The severed relationships (especially with Lisa) he left behind when he joined the army. His perception of missed opportunities.
– There is a mention of Lisa in connection with Vance – Lisa plays it off – but Gabe is too consumed with the typewriter to notice.
– The journals narrative parallels his own life – left someone behind to pursue a greater cause, drawing painful comparisons to his decision to join the army
– Regretful Tone: The overall tone of the journal is filled with regret and longing for what could have been, which resonates deeply with his own experiences and makes him reflect on his choices and their consequences

Physical – something happens either while they uncover the journal or while they read the journal
– Someone has an allergic reaction to dust or mold
– The landlord comes in to force Mama Lee out of the house
– There’s a power outage and they can’t read the journal.
– Fire alarm goes off
– A burst pipe and flood
– It’s super hot and the a/c is broke
– The security alarm is activated

Quick Summary of Revised Scene:
It’s super hot and the a/c is busted. Lisa is flirting with Gabe and distracts him from focusing on finding clues. They find the journal – but at first it seems mundane with nothing to help them. It’s also disappointing to find out that the author is Mama Lee’s mother-in-law. Again, Gabe’s distraction keeps him from realizing that the writer of the journal is very important. The overall tone of the journal is filled with longing and regret over things that could have been. Finally, he comes upon a passage with warnings in it about pursuing or using the typewriting which forbodes danger. But there are pages missing and there are smudges and faded writing – making the narrative incomplete. They must go and talk to someone else to fill in the blanks.

 

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Full-out Characters…

What I learned…. Boring character traits and weak subtext force you to create drama AROUND and TO them. I want to create characters that CAUSE the drama. It’s important to take them to the Extreme and find how they can fulfill the vision of the story.

Character 1 – Gabe, Investigative Journalist

Tough
Charismatic
Impatient
Cautious

Subtext: Gabe reluctantly leads the group in uncovering the typewriter’s mystery and surviving the curse.

REVISED:
Intolerant
Charismatic
Exploiter
Fatalistic

Subtext: Gabe, trapped in a life he hates, will visit his hometown one last time before taking his own life.

Character 2 – Lisa, Paranormal Expert

Soft
Spiritual
Goes along.
Vulnerable

Character Subtext Logline: Lisa provides her physic power to help the group understand the typewriter’s mystery to break the curse and survive.

REVISED:
Demure
Mystical
Duplicitous
Insecure

Subtext: Her secret lover now dead, Lisa is desperate to find someone to care for her.

Character 3 – Aaron, local newsman/historian

Rebellious
Deceptive
Pragmatic
Pot-stirrer

Character Subtext Logline: Aaron dismisses the supernatural and is only interested in saving himself from real threats.

REVISED:
Rebellious
Selfish
Pragmatic
Pot-stirrer

Subtext: Aaron puts others in harms way to protect himself and his interests.

[Deb Johnson]

Additional Note to my classmates:

You may have figured this out already- but here's my workaround for posting.

* Copy and paste the assignment and post.

* Ignore the fact that everything is clumped together. Also, ignore that all of your apostrophes have turned into some strange code.

* Click "edit" and post again (this time the post button will be on the lower left-hand side)

* Now the formatting seems to be okay – though you will probably need to add additional spacing if you want things double spaced.

* Click "edit" to tweak and post again

* there is no need to "keep a log" of any of these edits.

Hope this is helpful.

[Deb Johnson]

Here is my rewrite – I’m open to all feedback, but, specifically, please tell me if the Essence I selected is complete and makes sense – and also – did I come through on the Essence? Also – this is a very long scene – 6 pages – Do I need to cut it down? If so – do you have some suggestions on what I could cut out? Thanks! (also – as a side request – does anyone know how to cut and paste these scenes into the forums without having to go back and reformat? Trying to save some time posting the scenes, but can’t figure it out.)

LOGLINE: At his small pie shop, John is suspicious that his friend and mentor, Nick, is sabotaging his new business.

ESSENCE: Getting to the truth of the matter.

SCENE:

EXT. YE OLD PIE SHOP – 1927 – DAY

A storefront along a busy street. A Pie Shop delivery truck is filled with trays of freshly baked pies.

Next door, a Barber sweeps.

JOHN, 35, mild-mannered, full apron, towering untamed hair, loads a tray onto the truck. He’s followed by ABNER, 25, short and stocky, who carries a second tray.

NICK, 45, rotund, suit and tie, saunters up eating a banana.

NICK
My, my, my, what have we here?

John turns to see Nick. He’s a mixture of joy and sadness.

JOHN
I’ve got 10 new vendors. Thanks for coming over, but why so late?

NICK
I certainly hope this batch tastes better than the last one!

JOHN
That almost ruined me. You know, I think somebody sabotaged it.

NICK
Sabotage? I know you must feel awful, but you shouldn’t blame anyone but yourself.

JOHN
I followed your recipe to the T.

NICK
Why sabotage? Did someone say something?

JOHN
I keep my own counsel.

NICK
To your detriment, my boy. Stand alone, die alone.

JOHN
I think someone may have messed with my spices.

Nick tosses the banana peel to the ground.

JOHN
Know anything about it?

NICK
Don’t you think I’d tell you if I knew anything as ridiculous as that?

JOHN
Yes, I think maybe you do know something.

NICK
What about Abner? He’s got a chip on his shoulder a mile wide.

Abner exits the store with another tray of pies and slips on the banana peel. Two pies fall from the tray and are ruined.

ABNER (indignant)
Who dropped this banana peel?

Nick looks away. John helps Abner up.

JOHN
Just clean it up. We’ve got to be on the road in ten minutes!

Nick motions Abner to the Barber. Abner fumes. Nick ushers John around the corner to the alley.

NICK
Let’s get away from prying ears.

ABNER (O.S.) (angry)
Was it you?!

JOHN
(calling) Abner, please! (to Nick) You know Abner wouldn’t do anything like that. He needs this job.

NICK
That guy's a ticking time bomb. No telling what he’ll do.

JOHN
At least he’s loyal.

NICK
Well, whatever the problem, it looks like you fixed it. 10 new vendors! That’s impressive. You’re well on your way.

JOHN
If you did, do something, Nick, just know, I wouldn’t press charges or, you know, expose you or anything. I’d keep it between us. I just want to know what happened.

NICK
John, John, so distrusting. I’m the one who got you started here! Put you on your feet! Why would I do anything to hurt you?

JOHN
I did some digging and found this.

John takes a sales order from his back pocket and shows it to Nick. Nick begins to fidget with his tie.

JOHN
Baking supplies I ordered through your discount. It says cumin was delivered here. I never ordered cumin. Why would I order cumin?

The SOUNDS on the street increase: cars stop, clamorous talk.

NICK
Maybe there was a typo, or it was shipped in error. Why blame me?

JOHN
So how did cumin end up in my pie spice cannister?

NICK
You spend too much time, on your own, reading detective novels.

JOHN
Why do you keep tugging your tie?

NICK
What do you mean?

JOHN
Whenever we play poker and you tug your tie, I know you're bluffing.

NICK
You’re a mad dog.

JOHN
Nick. For the sake of our friendship, just come clean!

NICK
You’re barking up the wrong tree.

John takes a black-and-white photo from his apron.

JOHN
You asked for it. Look.

Insert: A fuzzy photo of Nick, in the bakery, mixing spices.

NICK
How in the world did you?…

JOHN
Hidden camera… I got the idea from Agatha Christie and “The Murder of Roger Ackroyd.”

NICK
I am astounded at the lengths you go to with your suspicious nature.

The NOISE on the street increases. Something’s going on.

NICK
Well, good for you. There. You see, there’s your evidence. Obviously, someone did sabotage your spices.

JOHN
Nick! That’s you!

NICK
Again, with the accusations. That could be anyone. Are you trying to frame me? Is that what this is all about?

JOHN
Please. I’m begging you. For the sake of our friendship…

NICK
Friendship? You rush to judgment. Are you afraid of failure so you’re looking for a scapegoat?

JOHN
You honestly expect me to believe you had nothing to do with this.

NICK
Yes.

There is a brief standoff. A HONKING HORN brings John back.

JOHN
Fine. Fine. I’m sorry. I’ve got to get going.

NICK
Honestly, John, I’m going to investigate this. I’m going to help you find out who did this.

John produces a document from his apron.

JOHN
Here’s our new business agreement giving you 50% of the company. I was going to rip it to shreds in front of you, as a dramatic gesture, but now there’s no reason. We’re in this together.

NICK
You’re cutting me in on your profits?

JOHN
A bold move, but I wouldn’t have any of this if it weren’t for you.

NICK
That’s the kindest… I’m usually the one giving…

Nick cries. John hands him a handkerchief.

JOHN
You’re right. I probably shouldn’t go it alone.

Nick sobs. The NOISE on the street crescendos.

JOHN
Nick. What is it?

NICK
Damn it all. You were right. It was me. I was jealous of your success, and I sabotaged your spices.

JOHN
You what?

NICK
It’s true. All of it. I ordered the cumin and cut it into your spices. I thought if I could ruin your business, you’d come back and work for me.

John is incredulous. He grabs Nick by the tie and pushes him up against the wall.

JOHN
You son of a bitch! You’re going to jail!

Nick pushes John off.

NICK
What about our friendship? What about you not wanting to cause a fuss?

JOHN
You lying, conniving son of a bitch. I trusted you!

John starts swinging and Nick grabs him. They tumble, tussle, and find themselves at the alleyway entrance.

They both stop and can’t believe their eyes.

The street is in shambles. Cars are gridlocked. People throw pies at each other. Pie is everywhere.

JOHN
My pies!

A pie hits Nick in the face.

NICK
You mean, our pies.

A pie hits John in the face.

JOHN
We’re ruined.

[Deb Johnson]

Logline: John, a new bakeshop owner is suspicious of his friend and mentor, Nick, who he believes is sabotaging his business.

Essence: Getting to the truth of the matter.

Scene:

EXT. BAKERY SHOP – DOWNTOWN DISTRICT – DAY
It's rush hour. Pedestrians and vehicles pass in a constant stream. A delivery truck has its back hatch open and is filled with trays of fresh baked pies.
John, mid 30's, mild mannered, jeans, full apron, and has a stack of un-brushed hair that stands tall, loads a tray onto the truck. He's followed by ABNER, mid-40's, short and efficient, who carries a second tray.
Nick, mid 40's, saunters up eating a banana. He's rotund and wears a suit and tie.
NICK
My, my, my, what have we here?
John turns to see Nick. He's a mixture of joy and sadness.
JOHN
I've got 10 new vendors.
NICK
I certainly hope this batch tastes better than the last one!
JOHN
You know, I think somebody sabotaged my last batch. I almost had to close my doors.
NICK
You must feel awful; but you shouldn't blame anyone but yourself.
JOHN
I followed the recipe you gave me to the T.
NICK
Why sabotage? Did someone say something?
JOHN
You know I keep my own counsel.
NICK
To your detriment, my boy.
JOHN
I think someone may have switched my spices. Do you know anything about it?
Nick tosses the banana peel to the ground.
NICK
Don't you think I'd tell you if I knew anything as ridiculous as that?
JOHN
All I'm saying is, yes, I think maybe you did know or do know something.
NICK
Why me? What about Abner? He's got a chip on his shoulder a mile wide!
Abner exits the store with another tray of pies and slips on the banana peel. Two pies fall from the tray and are ruined.
ABNER
(indignant)
Who dropped this banana peel?
Nick looks away. John helps Abner up.
JOHN
Never mind that. Get this cleaned up! We've got to be on the road in ten minutes!
Nick ushers John around the corner to the alley.
NICK
Perhaps we should continue our conversation in private.
ABNER (O.S.)
Who did it? C'mon!
JOHN
(calling)
Abner, please! (to Nick) You know Abner wouldn't do anything like that. He needs this job.
NICK
Well, whatever the problem, it looks like you fixed it. 10 new vendors! That's impressive. You're well on your way.
JOHN
If you did, do something, Nick, just know, I wouldn't press charges or, you know, expose you or anything. I'd keep it between us. I just want to know what happened.
NICK
John, John, so distrusting. I'm the one who got you started here! Put you on your feet! Why would I do anything to hurt you?
JOHN
I did some digging and found this.
John takes a sales order from his back pocket and shows it to Nick. Nick begins to fidget with his tie.
JOHN
These are the baking supplies that I ordered through you – to get your discount. It says Cumin was delivered here. I never ordered Cumin. Why would a baker order Cumin?
NICK
Maybe there was a typo, or it was shipped in error! You can't blame me for something like that.
JOHN
And how did Cumin end up in my pie spice cannister?
NICK
You spend too much time on your own listening to true crime podcasts.
JOHN
Why do you keep tugging your tie?
NICK
What do you mean?
JOHN
Whenever we play poker and you tug your tie, I know your bluffing.
NICK
You're a mad dog. Even if it what your saying is true – what would I have to do with it?
JOHN
Nick. For the sake of our friendship, just come clean!
NICK
You're barking up the wrong tree.
John pulls out his phone.
JOHN
You asked for it. Look.
Insert: Phone – showing surveillance footage of Nick mixing spices into a large spice cannister.
NICK
When did you install security cameras?
JOHN
The day I bought the place.
NICK
Well, good for you. There. You see, there's your evidence. Obviously someone did sabotage your spices.
JOHN
Nick! That's you!
NICK
Again with the accusations. Have you ever heard of deep fake? It's everywhere. Are you trying to frame me? Is that what this is all about?
JOHN
Please. I'm begging you. For the sake of our friendship. Please just admit that you did this!
NICK
If you were a friend to me, you wouldn't be so quick to judge me. Where is all this coming from? Are you afraid of failure so you're looking for a scapegoat?
JOHN
You honestly expect me to believe you had nothing to do with this.
NICK
Yes.
JOHN
Fine. Fine. I'm sorry. I've got to get going.
NICK
Honestly, John, I'm going to look into this. I'm going to help you find out who did this.
John produces another piece of paper from his apron and gives it to Nick.
JOHN
Here's our new business agreement giving you 50% of the company. I was going to rip it to shreds in front of you, as a dramatic gesture, but now there's no reason. We're in this together.
NICK
You're cutting me in on your profits?
JOHN
50%.
NICK
I thought once you got going, you wanted to be on your own.
JOHN
I came to realize I wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for you. We're partners.
NICK
That's the kindest most generous thing anyone has ever done for me.
Nick cries. John hands him a tissue.
JOHN
It's okay buddy. I'm sorry about everything.
Nick sobs.
JOHN
Nick. Get a hold of yourself!
NICK
You were right. It was me. I was jealous of your success and I sabotaged your spices.
JOHN
You what?
NICK
It's true. All of it. I ordered the cumin and cut it into your spices. I thought if I could ruin your business, you'd come back and work for me.

John is incredulous. He grabs Nick by the tie and pushes him up against the wall.
JOHN
You son of a bitch! You're going to jail!
Nick pushes John off of him.
NICK
What about our friendship? What about you not wanting to cause a fuss?
JOHN
You lying, conniving son of a bitch. I trusted you!
John starts swinging and Nick grabs him. They tumble and find themselves at the entrance of the alleyway.
They both stop and can't believe their eyes.
The entire street is in shambles. Cars have stopped in gridlock. The people in the streets throw pies at each other. There is pie everywhere.
JOHN
My pies!
A pie hits Nick in the face.
NICK
You mean, our pies.
A pie hits John in the face.
JOHN
We're ruined.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s 3rd Rewrite

I’ve received excellent feedback from two writers and wanted to try another pass. If this is your first time reading this, feel free to add any additional feedback. Thank you!

INT. PRIVATE JET PLANE – DAY

An occupied bathroom door.

TRENT (O.S.)
I'll be in the black for the first time in my life!

ROBERT, 21, Arizona Diamondbacks jersey, raps on the door.

TRENT (O.S.)
Occupied! I'm talking pitch black!

Robert, hesitates, conflicted; but raps again.

TRENT (O.S.)
Go away! Yes, plane lands in 28 minutes and we rendezvous…

ROBERT
(quietly)
Trent! The accordion player won't play!

TRENT (O.S.)
It's not even time! You ruin my birthday and I'll pound you!

ROBERT
It's my birthday too! Can you just…

TRENT (O.S.)
Hold your fat horse. I'm on the phone.

Robert hangs his head and exits into the posh room with lounging couches and airline seats. The passengers all look like they'd fit in better at a dive bar. The center of attention is MEEMAW GRANNY, 95 and spry.

Robert whispers something to NELLY, 40. Her eyes grow wide.

NELLY
Yeah? The 38?

Robert nods affirming and goes to a cooler, extracts cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and hands them to the guests.

ROBERT
Drink up, drink up everyone!

TRENT, 21, huge, on a crutch, leads with an ankle wrapped in an Ace bandage. His clothes are fine and he wears an ascot.

ROBERT
Here's the conspirator… I mean celebration!

Robert tosses a can to Trent who bats it with his crutch.

TRENT
Robert. Please.

Trent makes a big show of settling himself down at the end of the couch and propping his leg up on an end table.

TRENT
I was golfing when I tripped on a root and twisted my damn ankle.

ROBERT
Oh? I thought maybe you tripped running from the cops.

Robert offers Trent a beer.

TRENT
A glass of champagne, please, like we agreed.

ROBERT
(quietly)
I know! I'm on my last dime! When you suggested this jet for our party with Meemaw Granny, I thought you were going to pay for it.

TRENT
The jet was your idea…

ROBERT
Was it? Oh, well, if you say so.

TRENT
But it was a great idea! What a way to celebrate, huh?! Classy. Now, get the bubble machine ready, because we're scheduled to sing Happy Birthday in (references watch) exactly two minutes.

Robert salutes and exits behind a curtain partition that hangs a foot above the floor. Nelly leans in to Trent.

NELLY
So I hear you're finally going to get Pappy's Smith and Wesson.

TRENT
(excited)
Pappy's Smith and Wesson?

NELLY
You've been wanting it ever since you was seven.

TRENT
I didn't realize Meemaw Granny still had it.

Nelly burps and turns away. Robert returns.

ROBERT
(quietly)
The accordion player won't play till we pay him.

TRENT
Then pay him. You ruin our party, I swear I'll…

ROBERT
I told you, I'm broke! I had to sell my car to pay for this flight!

TRENT
You can't drive anyway…

ROBERT
Shh! Meemaw Granny doesn't know. Can't you pay? You've got to have some clean money somewhere?

TRENT
How dare you… I seemed to have left my wallet with my driver.

ROBERT
Huh. (beat) Let's Go D-backs!

Robert turns and knocks Trent's leg off the table.

TRENT
You oaf!

ROBERT
Oh! My bad!

Robert grabs pillows and puts one under Trent's foot.

ROBERT
Man, your foot's heavy!

And wedges another behind his back.

ROBERT
Can I get you an IV? Huggies?

TRENT
You're dismissed.

Robert, a sly smile, walks away with Trent's wallet, extracts a credit card, and steps behind the privacy curtain to confer with the ACCORDION PLAYER. COUSIN 2 approaches Trent.

COUSIN 2
Good on you for the Smith and Wesson. That's a classic. .38 Special. I'm jealous.

Trent smiles like an excited kid. Bubbles fill the room.

The Accordion plays. Robert enters with a cake. They SING Happy Birthday to Meemaw Granny, Trent, and Robert.
Trent sets himself next to Meemaw Granny.

MEEMAW GRANNY
You know Ida been happy with margaritas on my front porch.

TRENT
Robert told me you always wanted to go to Puerto Vallarta.

MEEMAW GRANNY
You believed him?

TRENT
You're going to just love the Malecon.

MEEMAW GRANNY
Long as I'm home for Wheel of Fortune.

TRENT
I hate to spoil the surprise, but I heard you found Pappy's gun?

MEEMAW GRANNY
Gun?

TRENT
The .38 Special? He used to take me to the shooting range and we…

MEEMAW GRANNY
Honey, all Pappy's junk got tossed when I moved in with your Aunt Mavis. What made you think I still had it?

Crestfallen, he heaves himself up and confers with Cousin 2, then passes quickly to Nelly. He eyes Robert angrily. As he passes Meemaw Granny…

TRENT
Sorry to break the news, MG, but Robert got a DUI… no more free rides to your hair appointments.

…and moves to the curtained partition.

TRENT
Robert! Something's wrong with the bubble machine!

ROBERT
Oh, man, what did I do?

Trent holds the curtain for Robert. As the curtain closes, Trent puts both feet firmly down – no problem. He raises his crutch like a bat and knocks Robert down.

TRENT
Let's go D-backs!

Robert falls and can be seen beneath the curtain. He grabs Trent's ankle and begins tugging on the bandage.

TRENT
Let go of me!

The crutch keeps coming down hard on Robert's back. Trent emphasizes each word as he strikes.

TRENT
This. Party. Is. Officially. Ruined!

ROBERT
Why's your foot so heavy, Trent?

The bandage unravels and a bag full of diamonds spills out.
The accordion player stops. Everyone gapes; then it's a free-for-all dive to grab the diamonds.

ROBERT
I wondered if Puerta Vallarta had a black market.

The crutch whams Robert's head. He's out cold.
A diamond rolls to Meemaw Grannie's foot. She picks it up.

MEEMAW GRANNY
(singing)
Happy Birthday to me!

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s rewrite of the Trent/Robert scene…

INT. PRIVATE JET PLAIN – DAY

An occupied bathroom door.

TRENT (O.S.)
We land in 28 minutes. We’ll rendezvous…

ROBERT, 21, Arizona Diamondbacks jersey, raps on the door.

ROBERT
(quietly)
Trent! The accordion player won’t play!

TRENT (O.S.)
It’s not even time! You ruin my birthday and I’ll pound you!

ROBERT
It’s my birthday too! Can you just…

TRENT (O.S.)
Hold your fat horse. I’m on the phone.

Robert hangs his head and steps away and into the posh room with lounging couches and airline seats. The passengers all look like they’d fit in better at a dive bar. The center of attention is MEEMAW GRANNY, 95 and spry.

Robert whispers something to NELLY, 40. Her eyes grow wide.

NELLY
Yeah? The 38?

Robert nods affirming, goes to a cooler, and extracts cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. He hands them to the guests.

ROBERT
Drink up, drink up everyone!

TRENT, 21, huge, on a crutch, leads with an ankle wrapped in an Ace bandage. His clothes are fine and he wears an ascot.

ROBERT
Here’s the conspirator… I mean celebrator!

Robert tosses a can to Trent who bats it with his crutch.

TRENT
Robert. Please.

Trent makes a big show of settling himself down at the end of the couch and propping his leg up on an end table.

TRENT
I was golfing when I tripped on a root and twisted my damn ankle.

ROBERT
Oh? I thought maybe you tripped running from the cops.

Robert offers Trent a beer.

TRENT
A glass of champagne, please, like we agreed.

ROBERT
(quietly)
I know! I’m on my last dime! When you suggested this jet for our party with Meemaw Granny, I thought you were going to pay for it.

TRENT
The jet was your idea.

ROBERT
Was it? Oh, well, if you say so.

TRENT
Now, get the bubble machine ready, because we’re scheduled to sing Happy Birthday in (references watch) exactly two minutes.

Robert salutes and exits behind a curtain partition that hangs a foot above the floor. Nelly leans in to Trent.

NELLY
So I hear you’re finally going to get Pappy’s Smith and Wesson.

TRENT
(excited)
Pappy’s Smith and Wesson?

NELLY
You’ve been wanting it ever since you was seven.

TRENT
I didn’t realize Meemaw Granny still had it.

Nelly burps and turns away. Robert returns.

ROBERT
(quietly)
The accordion player won’t play till we pay him.

TRENT
Then pay him. You ruin our party, I swear I’ll…

ROBERT
I told you, I’m broke! I had to sell my car to pay for this flight!

TRENT
You can’t drive anyway…

ROBERT
Shh! Meemaw Granny doesn’t know. Can’t you pay? You’ve got to have some clean money somewhere.

TRENT
How dare you… I seemed to have left my wallet with my driver.

ROBERT
Huh. (beat) Let’s Go D-backs!

Robert turns and knocks Trent’s leg off the table.

TRENT
You oaf!

ROBERT
Oh! My bad!

Robert grabs pillows and puts one under Trent’s foot.

ROBERT
Man, you’re foot’s heavy!

And wedges another behind his back.

ROBERT
Can I get you an IV? Huggies?

TRENT
Go away.

Robert walks away with Trent’s wallet.

NELLY
When’s the cake? I’m hungry.

ROBERT
The surprise is coming!

Robert steps behind the privacy curtain and confers with the ACCORDION PLAYER. COUSIN 2 approaches Trent.

COUSIN 2
Good on you for the Smith and Wesson. That’s a classic. .38 Special. I’m jealous.

Trent smiles like an excited kid. Bubbles fill the room.
The Accordion plays. Robert enters with a cake. They SING Happy Birthday to Meemaw Granny, Trent, and Robert.
Trent sets himself next to Meemaw Granny. The Accordion Player performs The Beatles “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”

MEEMAW GRANNY
You know Ida been happy with margaritas on my front porch.

TRENT
Robert told me you always wanted to go to Puerto Vallarta.

MEEMAW GRANNY
You believed him?

TRENT
You’re going to just love the Malecon.

MEEMAW GRANNY
Long as I’m home for Wheel of Fortune.

TRENT
I hate to spoil the surprise but I heard you found Pappy’s gun?

MEEMAW GRANNY
Gun?

TRENT
The .38 Special? He used to take me to the shooting range and we…

MEEMAW GRANNY
Honey, all Pappy’s junk got tossed when I moved in with your Aunt Mavis. What made you think I still had it?

Crestfallen, he heaves himself up and confers with Cousin 2, then passes quickly to Nelly. He eyes Robert angrily from across the room and moves to the curtained partition.

TRENT
Robert! Something’s wrong with the bubble machine!

ROBERT
Oh, man, what did I do?

Trent holds the curtain for Robert. As the curtain closes, Trent puts both feet firmly down – no problem. He raises his crutch like a bat and knocks Robert down.

TRENT
Let’s go D-backs!

Robert falls and can be seen beneath the curtain. He grabs Trent’s ankle and tugs on the bandage.

TRENT
Let go of me!

The crutch keeps coming down hard on Robert's back.

ROBERT
Why’s your foot so heavy, Trent?

The bandage unravels and a bag full of diamonds spills out.
The accordion player stops. Everyone gapes; then it’s a free-for-all dive to grab the diamonds.

ROBERT
I wondered if Puerta Vallarta had a black market.

The crutch whams Robert’s head. He’s out cold.
A diamond rolls to Meemaw Grannie’s foot. She picks it up.

MEEMAW GRANNY
(singing)
Happy Birthday to me!

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Deb Johnson.

[Deb Johnson]

INT. PRIVATE JET PLAIN – DAY
ROBERT, 21, mullet, t-shirt, and jeans, raps on the occupied bathroom door.
ROBERT
(quietly)
Trent! The accordion player won’t play!
TRENT (O.S.)
It’s not even time! You ruin my birthday and I’ll pound you!
ROBERT
It’s my birthday too! Can you just…
TRENT (O.S.)
Hold your fat horse. I’m injured.
Robert hangs his head and steps away into the posh room with lounging couches and passenger seats.
The passengers, who wear thrift clothes and sport bad haircuts, all don kid party hats and focus their attention on MEEMAW GRANNY, a spry 95-year-old.
Robert whispers something to NELLIE, 40, with buck teeth, teased hair, and a short skirt. Her eyes grow wide.
NELLY
Yeah? The 38?
Robert nods affirmingly and goes to a cooler, extracts cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and hands them to the guests.
ROBERT
Drink up, drink up everyone!
TRENT, 21, way too big to be coming out of that small bathroom, on a crutch, leads with an ankle wrapped in an Ace bandage. His clothes are fine and he wears an ascot.
ROBERT
Think fast!
Robert tosses a can to Trent who bats it with his crutch.
TRENT
Robert. Please. You’re asking for it.
Trent makes his way to the open seating.
TRENT
My sailboat was in some damn choppy water the other day.
He stops at Nelly who sits next to Meemaw Granny.
TRENT
I was sitting there.
NELLY
Not anymore.
Trent glares at her then smiles.
TRENT
No matter.
He makes a big show of settling himself down at the end of the couch and propping his leg up on an end table.
TRENT
I slipped on the deck and just damn twisted my ankle.
ROBERT
Everything okay there, Trent? Can I get you an IV?
TRENT
No, but, I’ll take a glass of CHAMPAGNE, like we agreed.
Robert kneels beside Trent.
ROBERT
(quietly)
I know, I know. I’m on my last dime! When you suggested this jet for our party with Meemaw Granny, I thought you were going to pay for it.
TRENT
The jet was your idea. Get the bubble machine ready, because we’re scheduled to sing Happy Birthday in (references watch) exactly seven minutes.
ROBERT
Oh, that’s the thing…

There is a bit of turbulence and the open cooler topples.
ROBERT
Hold on…
Robert goes to clean up the mess. Nelly leans over to Trent.
NELLY
So I hear you’re finally going to get Pappy’s Smith and Wesson.
Trent lights up but then subdues.
TRENT
Pappy’s Smith and Wesson? I’m not familiar with that.
NELLY
Oh, go on. Everybody knows you’ve been hoping Meemaw Granny would give it to you ever since you were seven. I heard that nows you’re of age, you're gonna git it.
TRENT
I didn’t realize Meemaw Granny still had it. Well, no matter.
Nelly burps and turns away. Robert returns.
ROBERT
(quietly)
What I was saying was the accordion player won’t play till we pay him.
TRENT
Then pay him. You ruin our party, I’ll…
ROBERT
I told you I’m broke! I had to sell my car to pay for this flight!
TRENT
You can’t drive anyway…
ROBERT
Shh! Meemaw Granny doesn’t know. Can’t you pay, Mr. “I broke my foot on my yacht?”
TRENT
It’s a sprain. And, no, I seemed to have left my wallet with my driver.
ROBERT
Great.
Robert turns to go and knocks Trent’s leg off the table.
TRENT
You oaf!
ROBERT
Oh! Forgive me! My bad!
Trent moans. Robert readjusts his foot and grabs pillows from another seat. He puts one under Trent’s foot.
ROBERT
There. Here.
And wedges another behind his back.
ROBERT
Better?
TRENT
Yes. Thank you.
Robert walks away with Trent’s wallet.
NELLY
When’s the cake? I’m hungry.
ROBERT
Ask the clockwork over there.
Robert steps behind the privacy curtain and confers with the ACCORDION PLAYER. COUSIN 2 approaches Trent.
COUSIN 2
Good on you for the Smith and Wesson. That’s a classic. .38 Special. I’m jealous.
TRENT
What did you hear?
COUSIN 2
Meemaw Granny found Pappy’s old gun and she’s gonna give it to you.
Bubbles blow through the air. The Accordion Guy plays an INTRO. Robert enters with a cake. They all join and SING Happy Birthday. Meemaw Granny blows out the candles.
Nelly is the first to cut into the cake. Trent gets up and snatches it away from her.
NELLY
Hey!
Trent squishes into a place right next to Meemaw Granny. The Accordion Player continues to play HAPPY MUSIC.

MEEMAW GRANNY
Happy birthday, Trent, So nice we can all celebrate together.
TRENT
I hate to spoil the surprise but I heard you found Pappy’s gun.
MEEMAW GRANNY
Gun?
TRENT
The .38 Special? He used to take me to the shooting range and we…
MEEMAW GRANNY
Honey, all Pappy’s junk got tossed when I moved in with your Aunt Mavis. What made you think I still had it?
Trent heaves himself up and confers with Cousin 2, then passes quickly to Nelly. He eyes Robert angrily from across the room. He passes Meemaw…
TRENT
Robert got a DUI and can’t drive you to your hair appointments anymore.
…and moves to the curtained area.
TRENT
Robert! Something’s wrong with the bubble machine!
ROBERT
Damn it, that thing was guaranteed.
Robert goes behind the curtain, and Trent follows. As the curtain closes, Trent raises his crutch over his head and comes down hard on Robert. SOUNDS OF STRIKING can be heard as the Accordion Player kicks out the Beatle's “Happy Birthday.”

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Max Interest Part 1

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how to add maximum interest to each scene. There are many interest techniques that can engage the audience. I can master these techniques, using at least two in every scene to elevate it and write like a pro.

Scene: A Meeting with Sister Pearl

Logline: Gabe, a journalist, meets with Sister Pearl, an old, blind, Pentecostal. Gabe trusts the veracity of her story.

Essence: Gabe’s perception of the typewriter changes when he accepts Sister Pearl’s story as true.

This is a long talking head scene that was originally written with stacking intrigue to dismantle an established narrative and introduce a shadowy, covert layer to the story.

Added Interest Techniques:

Character Changes Radically – Sister Pearl goes full Pentecostal on Gabe.

More Interesting Setting – Instead of a tranquil park bench, he finds Sister Pearl in the Assisted Living prayer room/chapel… eerily quiet and dimly lit.

Uncertainty — hope / fear – the story will now undulate between the two – Gabe thinking he understands and can find an answer – but there is no answer.

EXT – NURSING HOME PRAYER ROOM – DAY
A small, dimly lit room with a few padded chairs that face a wooden podium. An old woman, 98, wearing a muumuu and slippers has her wheelchair parked near the cross on the wall at the front of the room.
With her eyes closed, she rocks, hums, and groans.
Gabe enters and keeps his distance.
SISTER PEARL
Someone there?
GABE
I'm sorry to disturb you, Sister Pearl.
SISTER PEARL
C'mon in. Come in. I don't bite.
GABE
Sister Pearl, it's Gabe. Gabe Shore. Do you remember me?
Sister Pearl opens her eyes – they are white and clouded.
SISTER PEARL
Gabe Shore from Wolf News?
GABE
Yes, that's me too.
SISTER PEARL
Never heard of you.
GABE
Oh, I, well I…
SISTER PEARL
Oh, sit down, Gabe. I know who you are. My goodness. It's been years.
Gabe sits.
SISTER PEARL
The Lord is good.
GABE
All the time.
SISTER PEARL
Have you come for prayer, Gabe Shore?
GABE
I've come to ask you about a typewriter. A typewriter that belonged to your son, Vance.
SISTER PEARL
The typewriter. Yes. Yes. A typewriter forged by the devil himself.
GABE
I know that Lucinda Borden was your mother; she claimed the typewriter killed your father.
SISTER PEARL
My stepfather.
GABE
Oh?
SISTER PEARL
You know he was a very successful bootlegger. He built the tunnels under this town to run his game.
GABE
Yes. I knew that.
SISTER PEARL
He was starting a new tunnel when he unearthed this old Sholes typewriter. The keys were different from how we know them but it was pristine.

Insert: 1932 – man digging in tunnel comes upon a wood box and opens it to reveal a Sholes typewriter.
SISTER PEARL
I remember it well because that was the day he died. He put a piece of paper in to try it out. He pressed the keys. But what came out wasn't what he typed. The words, well, they were his last words.
GABE
And they were?
SISTER PEARL
I can't repeat it… bunch of cussing.
GABE
Odd.
SISTER PEARL
We didn't understand it, until the next morning, he and my mother were arguing, as usual, and he stormed out the door, said those words and then dropped dead.
GABE
Did your mother poison him? Like the papers said?
SISTER PEARL
Maybe she wanted to… but I don't think she did. I think he just had a heart attack and died. We were all in shock. His people, Georges' people, blamed mama. That's why she got in so much trouble. Powerful people.
GABE
What happened to the typewriter?
SISTER PEARL
I saw my mama slowly lose her mind over her obsession with that thing. My older brother wanted to get rid of it. Finally, he took the typewriter and said he was going to get rid of it. We never saw him or that typewriter again.
Sister Pearl begins to rock and hum.
SISTER PEARL
Hmmmm, thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord.
She speaks a gibberish language.
SISTER PEARL
Hoo stoo mee ahh. Hoo crake ee a shoo.
GABE
Tell me about your son, Edmund.
SISTER PEARL
Thank you Lord. You can imagine my surprise when Edmund discovered this old manual typewriter, stored away in the basement of my own home. My home! You know my cackles went up when he showed it to me. I told him to put it back; to have nothing to do with it. He just laughed at me and called me superstitious.
GABE
Didn't he know what happened to your stepfather, your brother?
SISTER PEARL
I told him. But he thought I was crazy. Said it was my psychological way of explaining things I didn't understand as a child. Lord. Thank you Lord.
GABE
Go on.
SISTER PEARL
I begged him not to use it. I just had a feeling. I had a feeling that this was the same typewriter, only different. So, he shows it off to his friends: left it with them. They start messing with it. Then, they are dead. Police said it was carbon monoxide poisoning… But I knew. I just knew.
GABE
What did Edmund do?
SISTER PEARL
He took that typewriter and tried to destroy it. Died with it. My Vance had enough sense, though. He believed me. When they found that electric typewriter, there at the bridge, where Edmund died, I told him to lock it away. He's a good boy. He listened. He believed. But I don't know. Now he's dead. I just hope…
GABE
We found the electric typewriter.
SISTER PEARL
And you used it?
GABE
Yes.
SISTER PEARL
You are trying to figure out how to break the curse.
GABE
Yes.
SISTER PEARL
Thank you Lord. Praise Jesus. Can't help you there.
GABE
Did Edmund, did he commit suicide? Like the papers say?
SISTER PEARL
My Edmund was strong and brave. He never would have killed himself. Never.
GABE
But the jump from the bridge?
SISTER PEARL
It was no jump. It was no accident either. I tell you, there's more to it. But none that I know. Now you got other questions to answer.
GABE
Where did the electric typewriter come from?
SISTER PEARL
That's your question. You're looking for the devil
GABE
Seems true enough.
Sister Pearl begins to shake and moan.
SISTER PEARL
The Holy Ghost is my witness. I tell the truth. Don't look to destroy that typewriter. Don't do it. It can't be done. You got to figure out something else.
GABE
Yes.
SISTER PEARL
Now let me pray for you.
Gabe is hesitant.
SISTER PEARL
C'mon, honey, I've got all day, but I know you don't. Come and kneel.
Gabe kneels in front of her wheelchair. She reaches out and puts her hands on his head. She speaks gibberish. Gabe closes his eyes.
CUT TO

[Deb Johnson]

x

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Profiles People

Person 1:
Sociable
Sturdy
Lazy
Duplicitous

After Testing:
Lazy changes to Petulant

Person 2:
Virtuoso
Idealistic
Irresponsible
Procrastinator

After Testing:
Procrastinator changes to Scatterbrained

Person 3:
Humorous
Considerate
Shy
Obstinate

After Testing:
Considerate changes to Sensitive

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that extreme people make for interesting characters. As the story develops you can test their traits to ensure that they are consistent throughout. If not – it’s okay to change the character traits to fit. The most important thing is consistency – their traits need to show up every time they show up.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  Deb Johnson.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Puts Essence to Work

What I learned… Finding the essence can completely change the course of your story. By taking a few key scenes and finding their essence, I was able to find the core for my main character… which, in turn, helped me find the core of my story. I can now see that my story falls along the lines of “don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.” As a journalist, Gabe, the lead character should know this, but he suspends his disbelief when he’s brought back to his old hometown. He has a distorted view of his past.

Script I choose: “Last Words” (genre: Horror)
Logline: A cursed typewriter writes the last words its victims utter before they die.

Scene 1 Location: Opening Scene
Logline: When destroyed, an old manual typewriter iterates into a modern electric typewriter.
Essence I’ve discovered: Expose the monster and how it iterates.
New Logline: A Cuneiform tablet is smashed and, in its place, materializes a papyrus and reed pen.

Scene 2 Location: 1st Turning point at the end of Act 1
Logline: Gabe witnesses the death of the typewriter’s first victim, Tunney, and hears him utter his last words.
Essence I’ve discovered: The monster distorts its victims’ perceptions.
New Logline: Tunney is killed when he picks up a downed electrical wire as if he were picking a flower.

Scene 3 Location: Midpoint
Logline: Gabe visits Grandma Hollister and learns the truth about the typewriter.
Essence I’ve discovered: Gabe trusts the veracity of an old blind lady.
New Logline: Gabe’s perception of the typewriter changes when he accepts Grandma Hollister’s story as true.

Scene 4 Location: 2nd turning point at the end of Act 2
Logline: Gabe realizes he’s been manipulated by everyone.
Essence I’ve discovered: Gabe can’t trust anything he’s seen or heard.
New Logline: Tunney isn’t dead, and neither is Aaron – Gabe thinks the typewriter is a hoax.

Scene 5 Location: Crisis
Logline: Lisa, the love interest, is killed. Gabe is on his own. Will he die with the others? Or will he survive?
Essence I’ve discovered: The typewriter is cursed, and its predictions are real.
New Logline: The others begin to die, just as the typewriter predicted. What will Gabe do now?

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Finds the Essence

What I learned is that there is an essence to every scene. Great writing engages you with clever and original ways to bring that essence to life.

Script I chose: Sunset Blvd.

Scene 1 Location: Act One – midpoint
Logline: Betty Schaefer ruins Joe Gillis’ chance of getting a job from Producer Sheldrake.
Essence: The lovers meet for this first time.

Scene 2 Location: End of Act 1
Logline: Joe Gillis watches from the window as Norma and Max bury the chimp.
Essence: Joe doesn’t realize he’s fallen into a trap and is looking at his future.

Scene 3 Location: Act 2 – prior to midpoint
Logline: When Betty persuades Joe to work with her on a script, they find they have chemistry together.
Essence: The contrast between Betty’s world and Norma’s world. Joe prefers Betty.

Scene 4 Location: Midpoint
Logline: After Norma’s attempted suicide, Norma and Joe become lovers.
Essence: Joe is now firmly in Norma’s grip – like a spider catching a fly.

Scene 5 Location: Resolution
Logline: After killing Joe, a delusional Norma descends her grand staircase believing she’s returning to the spotlight of her former glory.
Essence: Nora’s madness is on display to the whole world.

My selection for most profound essence:
Scene Location: close to the end of Act 2
Logline: On a writing break, Betty and Joe discuss Betty’s nose.

PARAMOUNT’S NEW YORK STREET (NIGHT)

Betty and Gillis are walking down it, THE CAMERA
AHEAD OF THEM.

BETTY
Look at this street. All card-
board, all hollow, all phoney.
All done with mirrors. I like
it better than any street in the
world. Maybe because I used to
play here when I was a kid.

GILLIS
What were you — a child actress?

BETTY
I was born just two blocks from
this studio. Right on Lemon Grove
Avenue. Father was head elec-
trician here till he died. Mother
still works in Wardrobe.

GILLIS
Second generation, huh?

BETTY
Third. Grandma did stunt work
for Pearl White. I come from a
picture family. Naturally they
took it for granted I was to become
a great star. So I had ten years of
dramatic lessons, diction, dancing.
Then the studio made a test. Well,
they didn’t like my nose — it slanted
this way a little. I went to a doctor
and had it fixed. They made more
tests, and they were crazy about my
nose — only they didn’t like my acting.

GILLIS
(Examining her nose
by the flame of his
lighter)
Nice job.

BETTY
Should be. It cost three hundred
dollars.

GILLIS
Saddest thing I ever heard.

BETTY
Not at all. It taught me a little
sense. I got me a job in the mail
room, worked up to the Stenographic.
Now I’m a reader…

GILLIS
Come clean, Betty. At night you
weep for those lost closeups, those
gala openings…

BETTY
Not once. What’s wrong with being
on the other side of the cameras?
It’s really more fun.

GILLIS
Three cheers for Betty Schaefer!
I will now kiss that nose of yours.

BETTY
If you please.

Gillis kisses her nose. As he stands there, his
face close to hers –

GILLIS
May I say you smell real special.

BETTY
It must be my new shampoo.

GILLIS
That’s no shampoo. It’s more like
a pile of freshly laundered hand-
kerchiefs, like a brand-new auto-
mobile. How old are you anyway?

BETTY
Twenty-two.

GILLIS
That’s it — there’s nothing like
being twenty-two. Now may I suggest
that if we’re ever to finish this
story you keep at least two feet
away from me … Now back to the
typewriter.

They start walking in the direction of the office.

Essence: Joe realizes he’s in love with Betty who stands in stark contrast to Norma.

Why I believe this is the essence:
The character of Betty is now set in stark contrast to Norma. Betty was poised to become a great star (like Norma) but was rejected. This did not jade her. She is most comfortable in the fabricated backstreets of the movie industry. She, grounded in reality, understands it’s all an illusion.

[Deb Johnson]

I agree to the terms of this release form:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Deb Johnson]

Hello! I’m Deborah Johnson and I’ve written 10 scripts. I hope to learn some skills to elevate my writing and master some techniques to build and elevate my creativity. I have tried, and failed, to make the switch to black coffee. I really enjoy a little bit of half and half.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned creating a monologue scene in my script…

I gave my hero a monologue just before he is about to enter the climax of my screenplay. I made sure I hit the following points:

· It’s an emotional revelation that explains a regretful situation and why he refuses to be impulsive or reckless.

· The person listening to him has a better understanding and deeper connection to him after he delivers the monologue.

· It expands on the broader theme explored in the overall narrative.

· It foreshadows the impending danger they face.

· It’s a clear story with a beginning, middle, and end.

[Deb Johnson]

Monologues can help develop a character, create tension, and explore the theme of the film.

Quint, through his firsthand account of the USS Indianapolis tragedy, we learn about his personal trauma, witnessing the gruesome deaths of his shipmates, and the loss of his friend. This emotional revelation adds layers to Quint’s tough exterior and explains his profound hatred for sharks, making his quest to kill the great white shark deeply personal.

The timing of the monologue is crucial, occurring the night before the final confrontation with the shark. It adds a layer of tension and foreboding to the atmosphere, emphasizing the gravity of the upcoming battle. The horrific details of the shark attacks during the war foreshadow the impending danger they face and heighten the stakes for the characters.

The monologue serves as a moment of connection between the three main characters – Chief Brody, Matt Hooper, and Quint. Their reactions to the chilling story reflect their personalities. Brody, already fearful of the water and sharks, becomes even more apprehensive. Hooper, the scientist, is shocked and intrigued. Quint’s calm yet haunting delivery captivates the audience and the characters, deepening the dynamics among the trio.

The way Quint ends his story leads us to believe that the tragedy was somehow linked to delivering the bomb. It hints at themes of survival, guilt, and divine retribution. This not only enriches Quint’s character but also invites the audience to reflect on broader themes within the story.

The monologue follows a clear structure with a beginning, middle, and end. It starts with the setup of the secret mission and the sinking of the ship, moves into the horrifying shark attacks and the prolonged struggle for survival, and concludes with Quint’s personal resolution – his refusal to wear a lifejacket again. The mention of delivering the bomb ties the story back to the broader context of historical events.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned – writing a new scene with ironic dialogue…

When two characters oppose each other, it’s good to find the irony and expose it. I was able to take two characters, who at face value, seem opposite. I was able to turn the conversation around to show how they are similar… the lead character being just as unscrupulous as the man he despises.

[Deb Johnson]

Mitch insists that Frank chose to “save his ass” instead of eliminating him. This underscores the irony that the one trained to protect (Frank) is now indebted to the very person trained to kill (Mitch) for his own survival.

Also, Mitch asserts, they have the same “father” so to speak – while he, Mitch was trained to kill, and Frank is trained to protect.

Frank, the protector, reacts with anger, hostility, and a threat to kill Mitch. This behavior contradicts the typical image of a heroic and composed protector, showcasing the irony in his character.

Mitch, the assassin, remains cool, calm, and collected. This behavior subverts the expectation of a chaotic and frenzied villain.

Frank’s vehement denial of Mitch’s claims and his aggressive response highlight the internal conflict within him. Mitch’s calm insistence on the choices Frank made serves as a psychological tool, emphasizing the complexity of their relationship.

The scene challenges stereotypes, blurring the lines between hero and villain, making the characters more multidimensional.

It’s a wonderful thing to be able to contrast your characters in this way. It’s a special form of “shading” so to speak. Instead of them acting in their prescribed roll, according to what their profile dictates – we have them act in the opposite manner. This is the irony of heroes and villains. A villain can act heroic, and a hero can act like a villain… in order to obtain their desired end.

While Frank seems to be “black and white” in his approach to fighting crime/protecting the President – he can act like a villainous badass.

While Mitch can plot and scheme to kill the President, he can appear to be calm, cool, collected, and in his own way, seem justified.

[Deb Johnson]

I wrote a scene from scratch that reveals the backstory of a curse (for my horror screenplay). It needs development, but I realized that a talking head isn’t so bad if they are revealing intriguing information. I also, like in JFK, inserted “vintage footage” to support what my credible narrator is explaining to gain the audience’s trust. The interviewer is a skeptic, but he is attentively listening and corroborating her story. All these elements support the stacking intrigue I’m building in this scene.

[Deb Johnson]

The scene dismantles an established narrative and introduces a shadowy, covert layer to the story.

The setting places Jim Garrison in a meeting with Intelligence Officer X. The conversation unfolds as they walk along the path of The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in Washington, D.C. The Washington Monument can be seen in the background. This is a significant location to hold such a meeting. Also – the way Jim takes notes and listens, without interruption, gives credence to what X has to say.

X’s statements are carefully crafted to sow seeds of doubt and intrigue. He questions the standard narrative, pointing out discrepancies and violations of standard operating procedures. These deviations in Dallas were not just anomalies but indicative of a massive plot.

The use of archival footage adds another layer of engagement. The audience may be familiar with the footage, but the payoff comes as it aligns with X’s version, compelling viewers to reconsider what they thought they knew.

X stacks intrigue by moving on to invalidate the Oswald narrative. The mention of the missing Cabinet, a combat division in-route, and the inoperative phone system raises the stakes.

X methodically picks apart the known narrative and examines each piece to show the negligence and incongruity of the actions prior to, the day of and in the aftermath of the event. He continues to assert his theory in different ways… “an indication of a massive plot.” “Does it sound like a coincidence?” “Nothing was left to chance.”

The methodical breakdown of facts and the relentless questioning leave the audience hooked and eager to uncover the truth.

The final question posed by Jim Garrison encapsulates the culmination of stacked intrigue, leaving the audience on the edge of their seats, craving answers to the central mystery: “Why was Kennedy killed? Who benefited? Who has the power to cover it up? Who?”

To create intriguing dialogue and stacking intrigue, you need to have an established narrative that needs to be examined from a different point of view. Each piece of the puzzle needs to be investigated and turned on its head, so the audience now questions what they thought they knew. It helps to have a neutral yet solid setting and a character, like Garrity, who is eager to find the truth and believe this new twist of the story.

[Deb Johnson]

Upon further reflection – I think I understand a little more about having the Character Profile revealed through dialogue. Here are the things we learn specifically about Molly:

•     That she’s was brought up with privilege – a house on a lake.

•     The ability to ski all over the world.

•     That her father is a successful psychiatrist or psychologist

•     She has two brothers who are both successful – one is a doctor – the other is?

•     That she is an alcoholic – but sober now

•     That she used to do drugs (maybe still does them?)

•     That her father cheated on her mother and Molly found out when she was five years old – but didn’t understand it at the time

•     That Molly resented her father and was a disrespectful/rebellious teen

•     That Molly drove her fathers car into a McDonalds

These are all things we learn from this scene and this dialogue exchange. We don’t see any of this happen on screen – but we get a lot of information about Molly from her conversation w/ her father.

Things we learn specifically about Larry:

•     He’s a highly paid psychiatrist/psychologist

•     He still speaks to his ex-wife – they are both concerned for Molly’s wellbeing

•     He raised three very successful children

•     He cheated on his wife and they are divorced

•     He has a very strong will – authoritative

•     He is vengeful – he wants to find and destroy the man who hurt his daughter

•     He desperately wants to reconcile with his daughter – to help her understand why they don’t get along.

So – not having seen this movie – I can fill in Molly’s Character profile – just from this scene:

Traits – strong willed, stubborn, sarcastic, isolated

Subtext – resentful of her father

want/need – wants her father to leave her alone – needs to be reconciled.

Flaw: can’t see the truth of their relationship – thinks she did something wrong

Wound: felt that her father didn’t love her – that he cared more for her brothers

what makes them special: She built her business from scratch and is incredibly successful

And here’s Larry’s character profile.

Traits – strong willed, authoritative, sarcastic, wants to engage

Subtext – wants to reconcile with his daughter

want/need – wants Molly to be okay – needs to be honest and reconcile with her

Flaw: approaches things as a professional psychiatrist, instead of as a father

Wound: his daughter despises him – he’s ashamed of his past affairs

what makes them special: incredibly intuitive – is able to steer the conversation towards reconciliation.

So, I took two character profiles, and wrote a scene where these character traits are exposed. It was helpful to have the character profiles in front of me – and I kept referencing them as the scene unfolded. While it still needs work – it helped me understand how to develop dialogue by using the character profiles.

[Deb Johnson]

Why this scene is great from a writing perspective:

Character Profile: Larry is portrayed as authoritative, caring, and protective, while Molly is depicted as defiant and resistant.

Scene Arc: The scene follows a well-crafted arc, starting with a daughter who despises her father and progresses to the father helping his daughter see the truth. The shift from conflict to resolution is well-executed.

Situation and Conflict: The setting, an ice-skating rink in the cold, adds to the tension. The conflict revolves around Molly’s legal troubles and her initial resentment towards her father, creating a compelling dynamic.

Entertainment Value: The use of a therapy session to condense three years of therapy into three minutes is a powerful technique. It delves into psychological aspects and exposes the characters’ vulnerabilities.

Moving the Story Forward: The scene propels the story forward by transforming Molly’s perception of her father. She comes to understand and accept him as her ally, providing her with strength to face the challenges ahead.

Unique Dialogue: Specific and interesting dialogue is highlighted, showcasing the verbal exchange between Larry and Molly. The use of sarcasm, confrontations, and revealing questions adds depth to the characters and the scene.

Insights into Character Profiles: The dialogue provides insights into the characters’ backstories and histories, unveiling Molly’s defiance as a teenager, her privileged upbringing, and Larry’s shame and regret over his affairs. The flashback video adds layers to Molly’s character.

Overall, Character Profile Dialogue works when you have two characters who have a deep history and a strong conflict between one another. One is trying to break down the walls, the other wants to keep them up. By utilizing dialogue, in this type of situation, you begin to understand each character’s point of view and can make the transition along with them. In this case, for Molly, it was from hostility to understanding.

[Deb Johnson]

More observations and what I learned writing my scene:

I think for a dialogue scene to work and be this intriguing – you need to have two people in a conversation that are at odds in some big way.

In “Out of Sight” – Jack is the worst possible mate for Karen and Karen is the worst possible mate for Jack. Yet – they want to engage because of a physical attraction.

In Gross Point Blank – Martin is the worst possible patient for Dr. O. Dr. O is – in a way – a “fraud” psychiatrist (someone ghost wrote his bestselling books) – yet he is insightful and could be helpful. Martin wants to work, and Dr. O doesn’t – this sets up a scene for effect attack/counterattack dialogue.

It’s a persuasive argument on both ends. “Leave me alone.” Vs. “I can’t and won’t leave you alone.”

But there, perhaps, must be something that undergirds the argument for them both to stay engaged.

For Karen – it’s her attraction to Jack. For Dr. O – it’s (maybe) his professional desire to care for a patient in need – especially someone who wants to ‘do the work.’

Finally, there needs to be a shift in the scene where they come to some sort of an understanding.

Karen proposes a “break” – which invites their fling.

Martin keeps insisting on therapy – proposing dream analysis – and Dr. O gives in… finally giving him advice on going to the reunion.

This scene (Martin and Dr. O) is important because it moves the story forward. How can a filmmaker justify a hitman just showing up at a 10-year high school reunion – unless the audience has some invested interest in who this person is? There are too many clichés about hitmen for us to accept just seeing him sipping from a punch bowl. The vehicle of Dr. O getting him there is important for the whole story. And the fact that they are at odds makes it all the more interesting.

I wrote a scene from scratch – picking the two characters who are at odds – with very different opinions. They also have a history and conflict that underpins their relationship. Finally, it’s an important scene that moves the story forward. If these characters don’t have this conversation, there is no justification for the story to continue.

[Deb Johnson]

The entire scene is built on the conflict between Martin and Dr. Oatman. Martin seeks psychological help, and Dr. Oatman, knowing Martin’s criminal background, is conflicted about treating him. This conflict creates tension that sustains the scene.

The dialogue is structured as a series of attacks and counterattacks, showcasing the opposing perspectives of Martin and Dr. Oatman. Martin attacks Dr. Oatman’s reluctance to treat him, while Dr. Oatman counters with ethical concerns and fear for his life. This dynamic makes the dialogue sharp, engaging, and filled with tension.

Each character’s personality shines through their dialogue. Dr. Oatman’s deadpan humor and sincere fear, combined with Martin’s nonchalant attitude towards his criminal life and desperation for help, make the characters distinct and memorable.

Martin’s veiled threats and attempts at intimidation inject an undercurrent of danger into the scene. The dialogue keeps the audience on edge, wondering how far Martin might go and whether Dr. Oatman is truly safe.

The scene serves as a crucial point for the story’s progression. Martin discusses his conflicting emotions about attending his high school reunion, and his past relationship with Debi, setting up his internal struggle and the potential for character development.

The dialogue feels natural and flows smoothly, capturing the rhythm of a real conversation. The interruptions, reactions, and pauses contribute to the authenticity of the scene.

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to tension to moments of sincerity. This emotional rollercoaster keeps the audience invested in the characters and their evolving relationship.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned rewriting my scene:

Words are not necessary to set up the intrigue in my story. I wrote an entirely new open that utilized the techniques I observed in the scene from “Game of Thrones.” I Introduced layers of questions, created a character specific mystery, and used images (instead of words) that have strong visual impact. Finally, I included a misdirection to create surprise and made sure that there were a few set up’s that would pay off later in the story.

[Deb Johnson]

The scene begins with a series of questions that layer on top of each other. Who are the three men? Where are they coming from? What is the significance of the tunnel and the towering ice wall? Why do they split up? What are they looking for? These initial questions create a foundation of intrigue as the audience tries to make sense of the world and the characters.

As the scene progresses, the focus narrows onto one character, Will, who discovers the grotesque scene of human carnage. The audience becomes invested in Will’s perspective, wondering about his safety and what he will uncover. The smoke he spots adds another layer of intrigue, raising questions about who he’s looking for and as he stealthily approaches, the possibility of danger ahead.

The scene uses visual imagery to evoke emotions and intensify the intrigue. The horrifying discovery of the slaughtered people and the meticulous arrangement of their remains create a visceral impact. The use of a young girl’s corpse impaled on a tree adds a shocking and emotional element, heightening the horror and leaving the audience disturbed and curious about the motives behind such brutality.

The scene cleverly employs misdirection to keep the audience on edge. When Will turns to run and seems to be heading towards a pointed spear-like stick, it creates a moment of tension and anticipation. The revelation that it’s actually a stick protruding from another victim’s impaled corpse behind him (a young girl, no less) is a twist that intensifies the horror and deepens the mystery.

Each question raised in this scene serves as a setup for future payoffs in the series. The identity of the three men, the purpose of their mission, the nature of the threat beyond the Wall, and the motives of the unknown perpetrators are all seeds planted for future exploration. This not only keeps the audience engaged but also establishes a foundation for the overarching story.

The pacing of the scene is crucial in building and maintaining intrigue. The gradual unfolding of events, the split-second moments of revelation, and the final glimpse of the arranged corpses all contribute to a sense of anticipation and curiosity. The audience is left with lingering questions, ensuring they will be eager to continue watching.

In conclusion, the stacking of intrigue in this opening scene of “Game of Thrones” is a testament to effective storytelling. By introducing layers of questions, character-specific mysteries, visual impact, misdirection, and setup for future payoffs, the scene successfully grabs the audience’s attention and sets the stage for the complex and enthralling narrative that follows.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned rewriting my scene…

Many things have changed in my screenplay since I started this class.

One of the big changes is that I decided to change key aspects of the story to make it low-budget.

This was a major shift and I had to re-write the underlying narrative of the story.

I rewrote my opening scene based on the skills I learned from the opening scene of “Breaking Bad.” I used visual reveals to create tension, intrigue, and engagement.

[Deb Johnson]

This scene from “Breaking Bad” creates tension, intrigue, and engagement through a series of visual reveals. The scene arc transitions from an RV on the run to Walter White making a desperate video, with constant visual elements demanding attention and raising questions.

The entertainment value is derived from the constant visual reveals that not only answer questions but also create new ones. The reveals include the enigmatic sight of pants flying through the air, the RV crashing through the desert, Walter driving in his underwear with a gas mask, a slumped-over unconscious passenger in a gas mask, dead bodies and chemicals in the back, and the RV crashing into a sand bank. Each reveal moves the story forward and introduces new conflicts, keeping the audience hooked.

The setups and payoffs are strategically crafted, such as the flying pants belonging to the underwear-clad Walter. The urgency of the situation is emphasized by the sound of sirens approaching, pressuring Walter to urgently make a video confession. Some payoffs, like the reason for running and the significance of the dead bodies, unfold later in the series, adding layers to the narrative.

The scene is engaging on multiple levels, utilizing surprise, twists, and rising tension. Tension is built through each reveal, from the initial urgency of running to the climax of Walter’s video confession, leaving viewers both satisfied and hungry for more information about the desperate protagonist. All these visual elements effectively introduce Walter White as a criminal on the run and sets the stage for the series’ unfolding drama.

[Deb Johnson]

Changes I made to my scene and what I learned…

While I’m not writing a comedy (my genre is horror) – I was still able to escalate on a gradient by intensifying the characters’ reactions, building tension, and incorporating unexpected elements.

I added more physical symptoms to each character’s escalation of the situation.

I intensified the conflicts between each character.

I added more visual and auditory cues to add to the dread and mystery.

I made the physical struggle between two of the characters more intense.

I added a final scene transition that foreshadows more challenges to come.

[Deb Johnson]

The writer takes a seemingly mundane situation – trying on bridesmaid’s dresses – and turns it into a hilarious yet chaotic disaster. The progression from a simple conflict over dress choices to a full-blown food poisoning catastrophe is skillfully executed.

The escalation is evident in the gradual deterioration of the characters and the situation:

Physical Symptoms: The scene starts with Megan’s large burp, setting a comedic tone. However, it quickly intensifies as characters experience symptoms of food poisoning, with Annie going from feeling warm to visibly sweating.

Conflicts: The initial conflict over the dress choice between Annie and Helen escalates as everyone succumbs to illness. The conflict shifts from a financial dispute to the urgent need to avoid ruining the elegant bridal shop with vomit and diarrhea.

Character Reactions: Each character’s reaction becomes increasingly extreme, from Megan using the sink as a toilet to Lillian running into the street and defecating in her expensive wedding gown. The characters are pushed to the edge of their composure.

Setups and Payoffs: The shady restaurant from a previous scene sets up the food poisoning. This is Annie’s mistake (she chose the restaurant) but insists that everyone just has the flu – that it couldn’t possibly have been the food.

Dialogue and Actions: The dialogue is sharp and witty, with lines like “This sinks a goner. It’s coming out of me like lava!” adding humor amidst the chaos. The characters’ actions, such as Becca vomiting on Rita’s head, contribute to the escalating absurdity.

Character Expressions: Each character is pushed to the edge, expressing their desperation and discomfort in unique ways. Annie’s refusal to admit she’s sick, Helen’s relentless attempts to make Annie throw up, and Megan’s vivid descriptions of her stomach issues create a rich tapestry of character reactions.

Overall, the scene is a brilliant example of taking a seemingly normal situation and pushing it to the extreme for comedic effect.

[Deb Johnson]

Re: Twists

What I learned rewriting my scene…

I had a scene with a twist in it – where we think a big brawl will take place, but it doesn’t. I modified it to add more suspense. Once the twist happens, I put more emphasis on the character’s reactions that express their incredulity… hopefully, this will heighten the audience’s anticipation for what comes next.

[Deb Johnson]

Initially set in a typical interrogation room scenario, the scene takes an unexpected turn when Neo, the protagonist, realizes he’s in a strange situation where the authorities can manipulate his very being. The twist occurs when Agent Smith and his colleagues, instead of resorting to physical violence, use surreal and unexpected methods to assert control over Neo.

The setup for the twist is carefully crafted with an eerie green glow in the room, surveillance camera footage, and the introduction of a green file, all leading the audience to believe they are witnessing a standard police procedural. The contrast between Thomas Anderson and Neo further reinforces this expectation. Finally, Agent Smith asks Neo to become an informant and Neo defiantly refuses.

The scene takes a shocking turn as Neo’s mouth is glued shut. The agents physically subdue him and then introduce a new element – a mechanical scorpion bug that crawls into Neo’s belly button. This unexpected and creepy action changes the direction and meaning of the scene, revealing the Matrix’s extraordinary power over reality.

The twist is significant in moving the story forward as Neo is now “bugged,” raising questions about the consequences and what will happen next. The twist not only challenges audience expectations but also establishes the Matrix’s nature and its ability to manipulate perceived reality.

The dialogue adds depth to the characters, with Neo displaying courage and awareness of his rights. However, Agent Smith’s response highlights the vast difference in their understanding of the world, as he can manipulate Neo without his consent.

Finally, Neo wakes up in bed – and we think, maybe it’s all a dream. This moves the story forward as we are anxious to find out what’s real and what’s not… also – who’s calling him?

[Deb Johnson]

Based on my observations of the scene from Jaws, I decided to rewrite a scene to create more suspense. Here are just a few things I changed: I added a ticking clock. I created a threat, which at first, the motivations of the villain are unclear. I highlighted the emotions of those involved emphasizing fear, panic, and a need to diffuse the situation. I created an unexpected interruption which adds to the suspense.

[Deb Johnson]

What makes this scene great from a writing perspective:

The structured arc of the scene, from searching for the shark to attempting to harpoon it, creates a sense of progression and urgency.

The situation, attempting to catch a deadly shark, establishes a high-stakes scenario with an inherent danger.

The unexpected size of the shark forces the characters to reconsider their approach, realizing they may need a bigger boat. The need to pierce the shark with a harpoon line for tracking purposes adds a layer of complexity to the task. The suspense is skillfully drawn out by the characters’ unpreparedness for the shark’s sudden appearance, causing them to scramble and Brody’s evident worry amplifying the tension.

The visual of the massive shark, Brody’s insistence on a larger boat, and the meticulous preparation for the harpoon shot all contribute to the audience’s apprehension. The call from Mrs. Brody introduces a brief delay, and Hooper’s attempt to get a photograph adds a sense of unpredictability.

The climax of the scene comes when Quint finally shoots the shark with the harpoon and tracker. However, instead of providing immediate resolution, the payoff is deferred as the shark disappears, leaving the characters in suspense about its whereabouts. The questions raised about the shark’s fate and their next steps keep the audience engaged, moving the story forward.

The setup/payoff dynamics add another layer of intrigue, with the idea that the shark may be hunting them, creating a sense of vulnerability for the protagonists. The payoff, in this case, is not a resolution but a new set of uncertainties regarding the shark’s survival and their ability to track it.

[Deb Johnson]

In this lesson, I learned the importance of the relationship between the protagonist and the antagonist. I re-examined the structure of my antagonist to make him mirror and contrast my protagonist more effectively. This was a profound insight. I was able to find a theme in my story that I hadn’t seen before.

[Deb Johnson]

The situation is set in a police HQ interrogation room, Batman, playing the ‘bad cop,’ seeks information from the Joker, initiating a conflict that unveils their complex dynamic.

The scene’s arc is compelling as Batman transitions from ignorance about Dent’s location to discovering that both Dent and Rachel are in peril.

The conflict is layered; Batman is driven to find Dent, while the Joker aims to prolong the interaction and delve into the similarities between them. Batman’s use of violence, met with amusement from the Joker, adds suspense, leaving viewers wondering how far Batman will go to extract information and whether the Joker will yield. Despite Batman seemingly in control, the Joker subtly manipulates the situation.

This scene propels the narrative forward by highlighting the parallels between Batman and the Joker, both operating outside established norms due to a lack of trust in the ‘establishment.’ Batman, with rules governing his actions, seeks justice, while the Joker, without constraints, thrives on chaos. This duality is further emphasized in their contrasting dialogue styles – Batman’s terse lines versus the Joker’s elaborate speeches.

The similarities and differences between Batman and the Joker, from their masks to their anti-establishment stance, contribute to the richness of their dynamic. Motivations are explored, with the Joker viewing Batman as an equal, claiming, “You complete me,” while Batman initially misunderstands the Joker’s game, thinking he’s after power or money. The Joker’s true desire for chaos challenges Batman’s commitment to rules.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned –

A character reveal doesn’t have to happen through dialogue. I took an introductory scene and eliminated the dialogue that wasn’t necessary – and just let the characters actions do the work.

[Deb Johnson]

The scene arc, set in a school lunchroom and hallway, unfolds organically as Peter accidentally initiates a conflict with the bully, Flash. The conflict escalates as Peter, reluctant to fight, realizes his newfound abilities…

From making sticky webs with a lunch tray to demonstrating super strength, agility, and heightened senses, the scene does not rely on dialogue. The audience learns about Peter’s abilities simultaneously with him and his classmates, adding an element of surprise.

The stakes are high as Flash relentlessly pursues Peter, creating a demand for action. If Peter doesn’t defend himself, he’ll face a severe beating. This necessity for action leads to a natural and justified reveal of Peter’s powers.

The scene’s entertainment value is heightened by the immediate reactions of the characters. Peter’s initial confusion and amazement, Flash’s friend labeling him a “freak,” and the classmates’ mix of amazement and excitement all contribute to the emotional impact. The use of setups and payoffs, such as the lunch tray hitting Flash and a teacher later dumping a tray on him, adds clever and satisfying elements to the narrative.

Importantly, the scene sets the stage for future developments in Peter’s journey as Spider-Man. The classmates’ reactions, especially MJ’s confusion and worry, foreshadow potential conflicts. Overall, this scene skillfully blends action, character development, and foreshadowing to create a compelling and memorable moment in the story

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned:

Subtext comes from situations where ulterior motives are at play.

I improved my scene by adding a layer of subtext:

• The conspirators exchange a glance that the hero notices.

• I made the warning to not go on more cryptic – leaving the audience to guess at the nature of the threat.

• I added some dialogue from the conspirator that urges the others to press on to help – but he has an ulterior motive.

• The skeptic chimes in to contrast the other’s curiosity.

• I put the hero in the leadership role – uncovering a hidden tunnel… a foreshadowing of how he will later unravel the mystery.

[Deb Johnson]

What makes this a great scene:

Subtle Racism and Objectification:

The backyard cocktail party setting is seemingly innocent, but the subtext reveals deep-seated racism. The guests size up Chris in various ways, from sexual objectification to evaluating the favorability of his dark skin. The subtext implies a hidden agenda beyond the facade of a social gathering.

Misdirection through Rose’s Disdain:

Rose’s apparent disdain for the guests’ comments misdirects the audience, making it initially seem like she disapproves of their inappropriate behavior. However, the subtext suggests her real concern is the potential exposure of the underlying operation rather than the guests behaving badly.

Logan’s Betrayal and Odd Behavior:

Logan’s seemingly friendly approach hides a betrayal of Chris’s confidence when he discloses Chris’s comfort with his presence. The subtext indicates that Logan is not what he appears to be, leading to confusion and intrigue. His peculiar behavior: the way he talks, the way he doesn’t ‘fist bump’ and when he “shows off his body” to the Wincotts, adds another layer of mystery.

Awkwardness and Sympathy for Chris:

The awkwardness surrounding Chris generates empathy for his character. We (the audience) wish for his escape as he retreats behind his camera. The discomfort felt by the audience mirrors Chris’s experience, enhancing the emotional connection.

Setups and Payoffs:

Logan’s role is a crucial setup for unraveling the mystery, becoming the midpoint in the story when he urges Chris to “Get Out.” This subtext sets the stage for revelations about Logan’s true identity and his significance in the unfolding narrative.

Underlying Motivations:

This seemingly innocent party is a cover for a more sinister operation – the guests are not there for socializing but to buy Chris’s body. The comments made are inappropriate, hinting at the ulterior motives beneath the surface.

Intriguing Questions:

Questions that drive the story forward: Why are the guests behaving this way? What is Logan’s true identity? Is there a trance-like element involved? These unanswered questions add tension and curiosity, compelling the audience to stay engaged.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned rewriting my scene:

This scene is where the hero and his former love interest reunite after not seeing each other for 10 years. I wanted to create a scene that delivers strong characterization, where each character speaks and acts from their character profiles.

The conflict comes from their differences… and they quickly go into attack mode.

As a twist at the end of the scene, I added some dialogue between two conspirators who pretend they don’t know one another… some subtext that will pay off later.

[Deb Johnson]

When Harry Met Sally – “I’ll have what she’s having.”

what makes this scene great from a writing perspective.

There is a masterful combination of conflict, humor, and character development.

There are two levels of conflict — the underlying tension between Harry and Sally about the nature of relationships (Sally is upset with Harry for “loving and leaving”) and the public demonstration of faking an orgasm. The impact of taking an intimate and private topic into a public and mundane setting is comedy gold.

The scene captures the essence of the characters. Harry and Sally have distinct voices Sally’s logical and matter-of-fact demeanor contrasts with Harry’s stubbornness and reluctance to consider alternative viewpoints. The setup and payoff: The unexpected punchline delivered by a fellow diner, “I’ll have what she’s having,” is an iconic moment in romantic comedy history.

[Deb Johnson]

What I did to improve my scene:

I made my hero’s introduction more powerful and compelling by aligning it with his core traits and character arc. I included some subtle actions that reflect his military background. I have him demonstrate more empathy, even though he is impatient and doesn’t like the person he’s with. I made his dialogue terser to convey a sense of urgency. I inserted another character (via text) that will be important in his character arc throughout the story.

[Deb Johnson]

What makes this scene great from a writing perspective:

Jack is introduced powerfully by being put in a very difficult and confusing situation.

We realize, along with him, that he’s on the beach in the middle of a plane crash.

He immediately runs toward the danger and is witness to the chaos around him. Everyone else seems to be either in shock or in hysterics.

He responds to a call for help. He commands others to assist him free the man. He knows enough to apply a tourniquet to the man’s leg. He assists a woman in labor and, again, asks another man, who seems to be in shock, to help the woman and call him if her contractions increase. He must be a doctor of some sort.

He stands out as a leader who is willing to help.

At the end of the scene, we learn his name: Jack.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned re-writing my scene:

The climax and resolution can take place in the same setting. This is especially effective in the “horror” genre. I changed the resolution by putting it in the same location as the climax. The hero learns the monster has become more powerful now that it has been (seemingly) destroyed. My hero is in a worse state than he was before the final conflict.

[Deb Johnson]

Resolution Scene from Se7en:

What makes this scene great from a writing perspective:

I can’t remember the film exactly, but I think we start with a twist – Somerset and Mills think they have the upper hand and finally have John Doe in custody. But this is quickly turned on its head when Somerset discovers the head. He says, “John Doe has the upper hand.”

It’s filled with suspense as the rest of the scene unfolds: what’s in the box? Why is Somerset scared? How does John Doe have the upper hand? What does this have to do with Mills? What will Mills do?

Finally, we understand the motivation behind John Doe – and how Mills has been his pawn. John Doe completes his “picture” by becoming “Envy”, and Mills becomes “Vengeance/Wrath.”

In the vein of true horror, Mills survives, but his life is destroyed. He will never be the same again.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned:

What I found structurally is that I’m missing some key elements in my climax. Here are the changes:

• The hero does not abandon the love interest – even though she betrayed him.

• The monster (a malevolent spirit) empowers the obstacles that try to destroy the hero. These obstacles will be set up in such a way in Acts 1 and 2 – that what was seemingly harmless before – has now turned against him.

• The monster and the hero are both justified from their own point of view.

• The hero appears to have lost. It looks like he’s going to drive away and never return, but his emotional impulse/rage takes over and leads him to the final confrontation.

• Element of surprise – we think we know what the hero will do – but the exact opposite occurs and it’s inevitable.

• (We think) the hero has won, but there are still questions as to what happened to the monster.

[Deb Johnson]

What makes this scene great (3:10 to Yuma) – Running to the train/final gunfight – Climax.

There is non-stop action and intrigue up till the very end… Will Dan make it to the train? Will Charlie save Ben? Charlie kills Dan. What will Ben do? Ben kills his entire gang. Dan dies. Will Logan avenge? Will Ben kill Logan? Will Ben run away? Ben puts himself in custody. Ben calls his horse.

The climax takes us full circle. In the beginning, Dan is disdained by his son, who prizes the outlaw over his father. Now, Dan has proved himself to be great (by getting Ben on the train) and Logan acknowledges this. His father is now his hero, and he follows in his father’s footsteps – by not killing Ben.

The final twist at the end of the scene: We think Ben has submitted to justice, but then he calls his horse.

[Deb Johnson]

After watching the scenes from Get Out, I realized that by the end of Act 2, the hero needed to be isolated and completely at the mercy of the “monster.” (I am also writing a horror film).

While I did not re-write these scenes (yet) I did change them entirely and updated my beat sheet to show the changes. The biggest change I made (which is a major change in the story) is that I made my love interest – who up till this point was one-dimensional – into a false ally… who is now part of the conspiracy to manufacture a deception.

I had to insert her into these three important scenes – so we can see the hero’s allegiance to her – her false allegiance – and then, finally, the reveal of the deception at the Turing Point in Act 2.

Also, different elements of the “monster” are revealed at these important turning points.

I haven’t quite figured out how I want to add this – but I know that in the Act 1 TP – I need to get my hero ‘caught’ – without an option to turn back. At the midpoint – I need him to see what will happen to him if he doesn’t win, and finally, at the Act 2 TP, he needs to be completely subdued and isolated – with no hope of escape.

[Deb Johnson]

What makes the Get Out “hypnosis scene” great: (Act 1 Turning Point)

What starts out as a seemingly innocent conversation; a mom concerned about Chris smoking around her daughter, turns on its head when Missy completely takes control of Chris’ conscious existence. Missy slowly lures him in and finally catches him.

We are on edge with Missy – she is authoritative and confrontational but in a subtle, almost kind way. We are emotionally moved by Christ who recounts the most terrifying time in his life – something that still haunts him, that he doesn’t want to look back at. It is this very thing that “captures” him – (or allows Missy to capture him.)

setups/payoffs.: Missy’s hypnosis… we see she has done this, but we don’t know why (intrigue). The teacup – and it’s use later in the story. The chair – and the way he scratches it. The Sinking Place.

Up till this point, Chris has been placed in a difficult situation, but now it just got 100x worse. We are lured in and want to see what happens next.

What makes the Get Out “Logan freaks out” scene great: (Midpoint)

Once again – it starts out seemingly harmless – Chris walks into an awkward social situation (just like the turning point in Act 1 – when he must have an ‘awkward conversation’ with Missy) – but it quickly escalates to madness when Logan completely freaks out and must be subdued.

If we aren’t sure that Chris is in danger (or why he would be in danger), Logan makes it abundantly clear that something is seriously wrong, and that Chris should “get out”. This is the title of the movie. How appropriate for this Mid-Point in the story to exemplify this (“Chris, Get Out”). This is a strong structural hinge in this screenplay.

Finally, at the conclusion, Logan apologizes. Chris apologizes. Logan says, ‘it was nice to meet you.’… indicating that he doesn’t know Chris, that he’s never seen him before… but we find out later that Chris does know who he is – and that’s why he took the picture.

The intrigue builds… What happened to Logan? What will Chris do now? What will Chris do with the picture?

What makes the Get Out “Rose refuses to give Chris the keys!” scene great: (Act 2 Turning Point)

Chris thinks he’s finally ‘getting out’ but Rose can’t find the keys. He’s cornered by the rest of the family. Finally Rose admits to her ruse and Missy puts him under with her teacup. He falls into the sinking place and the men carry him away. Rose admits “you were one of my favorites.”

This is another socially awkward situation for Chris – making excuses to leave late at night – and then he’s confronted with another awkward question by the dad ‘What is your purpose, Chris?’ Instead of answering, Chris turns to Rose for help – and finds that she is against him too. While we may have been suspicious of Rose, this is still a major turning point when she confirms that she’s in on it too (with the rest of her family). “You know I can’t give you the keys, right Babe?”

Interesting that the first turning point was Chris being questioned about his mom’s death. At the mid-point, he’s questioned about his experience as an African American. Finally at the end of Act 2 – he’s questioned about his purpose.

Chris’ panic slowly builds to outright terror, till finally, he realizes he’s trapped. Now we wonder – what in the world are they going to do with Chris? This propels us into Act 3 with great anticipation.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned rewriting my scene:

Looking at my inciting incident – I realized that my main character is being acted upon – and doesn’t take any stand or decide to take this journey.

He and six others receive a warning not to “go there” – yet they willingly walk in anyway.

I added more conflict between each character and the environment. I made my main character initiate the action and state clearly why he’s “going in.” Then the others follow him either happily or reluctantly.

[Deb Johnson]

What makes this scene great…

The situation is 12 men deliberating a case in the jury room. We did not see the trial and must learn the facts through these men – from their perspective.

The main conflict is quickly established at the first vote – one against eleven.

One man disagrees with the others – says he doesn’t know if the boy is guilty or not – but wants to talk about it. This angers three other jurors who argue that it’s obvious the boy is guilty.

This “hung” jury is not complacent and willing to go along with him. We can see by the first three men who challenge him that this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Setups/Payoffs – I think the first three to challenge him are the last three to finally capitulate. The man who admits he just wants to get this over with so he can see a ball game… the man who is racist/prejudiced and finally – the man who has a personal vendetta. The things they say in the first scene pay off later.

Invitation to the journey – the character of Henry Fonda is reasonable and friendly. The old man who sits next to him becomes his supporting character. We like them both and are willing to go along and see what the others might have to say.

Something inside this character needs to go on the journey… Fonda’s character sees this kid as someone who’s been beaten down all his life – he has sympathy/empathy for him. It’s not easy to condemn this boy without giving him a fair shake. He isn’t sure of his guilt or innocence, but he wants to at least talk it through before condemning him. The fact that the other jurors all vote guilty – gives Fonda a reason to pursue it even further. “Let’s just talk about it.”

[Deb Johnson]

My scene analysis is in the previous forum. This is what I learned when I re-wrote my opening scene:

This is my monster reveal scene. I added more conflict between the two characters being acted upon. I added another set-up by having them mention a character who will later be involved in the story.

[Deb Johnson]

What makes this scene great… we are immediately put into this strange world where the Joker pulls off a mob bank heist. It begins with thugs zip-lining to the roof, and ends with the Joker, having taken out his accomplices, heading out alone with the money. There is non-stop, interesting action from beginning to end.

There are four levels of conflict:

thugs penetrating the bank

the thugs and the patrons

the bank manager and the thugs

the thugs against the thugs.

I counted nine set-ups/payoffs… with the final reveal of the Joker’s face at the end.

This scene sets up the whole film, by introducing the antagonist (the Joker), his crime against the mob – which is part of the main plot, and the question/theme of ‘how do you stop someone who doesn’t “believe” in anything.’

[Deb Johnson]

Hello! I’m Deborah and I’ve written about 10 scripts. I hope to elevate my writing by learning all I can about creating, developing, and enhancing scenes that will make my scripts the best they can be. Something strange about me is that, while all my life I’ve been a “two-creamer,” I just started drinking black coffee.

Looking forward to a great class!!!

[Deb Johnson]

I agree to the terms of this release form:

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Horror Outline Version 3

Title: Last Words

Logline: A cursed typewriter types the last words of the living before they perish.

Act 1

Open:

A young man, Jake, and a woman, Sarah, shelter from a raging tornado. Jake yells “None of this is real,” and is sucked up into the frenzy. Sarah opens a piece of paper with the same words typed on it – she screams… the debris from the tornado “attacks” her.

The next day:

A camera drone buzzes above this small, tornado-decimated town. There is a scattering of work crews and emergency vehicles. The drone is operated by Tunney, 23, a storm chaser/YouTube sensation.

Gabe, an investigative journalist, 30, and Aaron, a local historian, and newspaper reporter, 35, observe Main Street and are challenged by animals displaced from the storm. They visit Mama Lee, 65, resident of the only surviving house in the downtown area. They see a dead body in her backyard.

Ella, 16, an aspiring journalist, rides through the debris on her bike. She is anxious to meet Gabe.

Cassie, 40, a paranormal blogger, and Isa, a paranormal expert, 30, arrive at what’s left of the church. Part of the building collapses, narrowly missing Cassie and Isa. They hear a muffled call for help under the debris.

Gabe, Aaron, Ella, Mama Lee, and Tunney all make their way over to see what’s going on and to help.

Warning:

They find Sarah, who is critically injured. Cassie recognizes her. Emergency workers arrive with a stretcher. The Seven all move deeper into the basement, looking for more people.

Sarah, conflicted, cries out “Don’t go in there, it’s a trap. You’ll all be killed. There’s no escape.” Then she dies. A piece of paper drops from her hand – typed on it are the exact words she just spoke. They are all confused.

Denial: All seven, in their own way, deny the supernatural.

An emergency worker calls them out but Ella, eager to follow the group, tells the emergency worker about a gas leak at the post office. He leaves.

Safety taken away:

A large tree topples over the basement opening. The Seven are now trapped inside. They must wait for a truck with a winch/pully to arrive.

Aaron leads them to a secret tunnel but finds it’s collapsed. (There are many throughout this town.)

The seven hear a typewriter and enter the office. One by one they receive their “last words.” They all react in their own way. Ella is most disturbed and destroys her paper.

(Note: This is an electric typewriter, circa 1986, with a one-line LED display and continuous feed paper.)

Aaron and Cassie discuss the history of the ‘typewriter hoax’ and he mentions he has some historical records back in his office that she’s free to look at.

TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

Ella finds the paper she destroyed in her back pocket. She screams and faints. Tunney catches her.

ACT 2

The Seven convene in Aaron’s office/library around old books and newspapers. Aaron produces an old photo of a non-electric Woodstock typewriter – says it can’t be the same thing. Mama Lee agrees with Aaron and tries to comfort Ella – explaining away the second paper (maybe she only thought she tore up the first one).

They somewhat agree that it’s a hoax but before they all separate, Ella makes them all connect on a group chat so they can keep in touch… just in case.

Cassie is thrilled by the story and blogs a sensationalized version that paints the typewriter as a benevolent spirit that wants to help people.

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

Tunney drives away to meet his friends to bungee jump. As he drives, he has a flashback of his hit-and- run experience. He killed the injured boy. Haunted and Panic-stricken, he utters his “last words” and bungee jumps to his death.

Learning of his death, the SIX reconvene in the library and learn that the number of words is equivalent to the number of hours they have left to live.

Aaron is attacked by the mayor, whom he wronged. He escapes through an underground tunnel. Gabe and Ella pursue him (they fear for his safety).

Isa, Cassie, and Mama Lee uncover documents that reveal the historic victims of the typewriter were specific people who told lies to gain wealth and position. (Isa has a flashback of her own misdeeds but does not confess to the group).

Mama Lee suggests they just go and destroy the typewriter. The three ladies take off.

Aaron runs through an underground passage, and it caves in on him.

When the three ladies approach the typewriter, Isa goes into a trace and can see that the typewriter gets its power from the souls it collects.

Isa stops them from destroying the typewriter. She tells them that it will somehow become stronger. They don’t believe her.

Gabe and Ella find Aaron’s dead body.

The Five reconvene.

They discover a historic journal that Aaron was hiding. It identifies the malevolent spirit behind the typewriter. They discover that it wasn’t always a typewriter; it has had different iterations over the centuries and is now contained in an electric typewriter. Isa feels vindicated but they wonder why Aaron was hiding this information.

Emergency workers condemn the building and force them to leave. They all split up.

Ella hides out in her bedroom. The room is covered in posters of a TEEN HEARTTHROB. She lays on her bed and has a flashback of how she harassed/bullied a boy at school (the one she claimed was bullying her) and made his life miserable.

Cassie decides to leave town (to escape) and gets hit by an armored truck.

Ella is drawn out of her house by an apparition and killed. The boy changes back and forth from the HEARTHTHROB to the boy she wronged. He has a knife, and he kills her.

ACT 3

Gabe and Isa decide to go back to the typewriter so they can confess their sins. Mama Lee refuses to go with them.

In her house, Mama Lee has a vision of her children being abused by her husband and she stands by and does nothing. Her house collapses on her.

Back in the basement, Isa warns Gabe about the danger of destroying the typewriter.

Isa admits her culpability in their relationship. That it was her deception that broke them up.

Gabe admits his cowardice. That he’s a slave to his publisher and slants stories to tell a certain narrative. He also admits that he hates his job; he’s afraid to try to be anything else. The words on his paper disappear. A blinding, unnatural light engulfs him – leaving him blind/disoriented.

They are released from the room and flee.

As they go through town, Isa is shot and killed by a looter.

Gabe is pursued by the malevolent spirit. He destroys the typewriter.

Gabe leaves town. He opens his phone to get directions. The typewriter appears as a new app on Gabe’s phone.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Horror Outline Version 2

What I learned: This took a lot of time to think through and define all the horror situations with emotions and corresponding actions – but it was worth the trouble. It helped weed out unnecessary scenes and consolidate the story.

Act 1

Open:

1. INT – BASEMENT STAIRWELL – NIGHT

A young man, Jake, and a woman, Sarah, shelter from a raging tornado. Jake yells “None of this is real,” and is sucked up into the frenzy. Sarah opens a piece of paper with the same words typed on it – she screams… the debris from the tornado “attacks” her.

Horror Situation: The man utters the typewritten words before he dies.

• Dread/Anguish: Sarah fears the papers she holds and worries about how to destroy “something.”

• Panic: The tornado is upon them – the exterior door to the basement bursts open.

• Horror: Jake is sucked into the tornado.

• Hysteria: Sarah reads the very last words Jake uttered. She screams and is buried in debris.

2. EXT – TORNADO DEVASTATED SMALL TOWN – DAY

A camera drone buzzes above this small, decimated town. There is a scattering of work crews and emergency vehicles. It’s operated by Tunney, 23.

Gabe, 30, and Aaron, 35, observe main street and are challenged by animals displaced from the storm.

Horror Situation: Aaron is bitten by a Garter snake and Gabe kills it.

• Apprehension – Debris is everywhere and presents dangerous obstacles.

• Anxiety – They are confronted by a coyote – but Aaron deescalates the danger.

• Surprise – Aaron is bitten by a non-poisonous snake and Gabe kills it.

3. EXT – MAMA LEE’S HOUSE – DAY

Horror situation: Gabe and Aaron visit Mama Lee and see a dead body in her backyard.

• Creepy moment: The house is canted and the debris in Mama Lee’s front yard are all children’s items.

• Scare: The porch rail breaks, and Aaron almost falls.

• Release: Mama Lee is friendly and welcoming

• Scare: There’s a dead body in Mama Lee’s backyard

• Release: Mama Lee knows it’s her neighbor and seems unfazed

• Creepy moment: Aaron’s mug choice was the dead neighbor’s favorite mug.

4. EXT – POST OFFICE – DAY

Ella, 16, rides through the debris on her bike. She pauses at the post office and turns up her nose at the smell. She sees a fire truck a few blocks away, but then sees Aaron and Gabe exiting Mama Lee’s. She heads towards them.

5. EXT. – ELECTRIC POLE – DAY

Tunney’s drone gets close to and enrages an electrical work crew. He re-directs the drone and sneaks away.

6. EXT. – CHURCH – DAY

Cassie, 40, and Isa, 30, arrive at what’s left of the church. It emits eerie sounds. Cassie prods Isa to go in and investigate, but Isa, though intrigued, is concerned for her safety.

Horror Situation: Part of the building collapses, narrowly missing Cassie, and Isa.

• Apprehension: They go into what’s left of the annex and the creaking increases.

• Surprise: A turkey vulture descends from a rafter

• Shock: They run out as an interior wall of the building collapses.

• Surprise: They hear a muffled call for help under the debris. They call out for help and work to clear debris.

Gabe, Aaron, Ella, Mama Lee, and Tunney all make their way over to see what’s going on and to help.

INT – CHURCH BASEMENT – DAY

Warning:

They uncover the debris and find Sarah, who is critically injured, at the bottom of a stairway. Cassie recognizes her. Emergency workers arrive with a stretcher. The Seven all move deeper into the basement, looking for more people.

Sarah is conflicted as the workers lift her to safety, but finally, with tears and terror she cries out “Don’t go in there, it’s a trap. You’ll all be killed. There’s no escape.” Then she dies. A piece of paper drops from her hand – typed on it are the exact words she just spoke. They are all confused.

Denial:

Tunney ignores everyone and immediately explores the basement.

Cassie keeps the paper and explains she came here to follow up on a story involving Sarah, but she’s sure it was just a publicity stunt.

Aaron questions Cassie about the story. When she mentions the mysterious typewriter, Aaron laughs at the “old wives’ tale” that’s been circulating since he was a kid.

Isa is alarmed. She senses paranormal danger but doesn’t reveal this to the group.

Gabe is dismissive of the matter and wonders if there are more survivors who need their help.

Mama Lee agrees with Gabe and says they should look for survivors.

They all push further into the basement, but an emergency worker calls them out.

Ella, eager to follow the group, tells the emergency worker about the gas leak at the post office. He leaves.

Safety taken away:

A large tree topples over the basement opening. The Seven are now trapped inside.

Gabe immediately calls for help and tells the emergency worker that they are safe but trapped. They must wait for a truck with a winch/pully to arrive.

Aaron leads them to a secret tunnel but finds it’s collapsed.

7. INT – BASEMENT OFFICE – DAY

The seven hear a typewriter and enter the office. One by one they receive their “last words.”

Note: An electric typewriter, circa 1986, with a one-line LED display and continuous feed paper.

Horror Situation: They are trapped in the room, and each takes a paper that’s typewritten words will be the last words they speak.

• Creepy moment: Tunney touches the typewriter, and it types “Chaos Calls” (his catchphrase)

• Release: He thinks it’s a great prank and wishes he thought of it.

• Apprehension: Isa recognizes the supernatural but says nothing

• Creepy moment: Aaron wants to “try”. He gets his “last words” which he mocks and repeats out loud with no recourse.

He and Cassie discuss the history of the ‘typewriter hoax’ and he mentions he has some historical records back in his office that she’s free to look at.

• Creepy moment: Ella wants to “try” – It types her last words.

• Apprehension: Mama Lee realizes that the door is locked behind her. She thinks it strange but looks around for a key.

• Anxiety: When Mama Lee goes near the typewriter, she touches it, and it types her last words.

• Release: Cassie is mesmerized. She wonders if it’s powered by AI. She touches it and gets her last words.

• Surprise: Isa touches the typewriter and goes into a trance. It types her last words, but she can’t pull away.

• Anxiety: Gabe thinks she’s being electrocuted. He unplugs the typewriter. She is released.

• Release: Sarah is not hurt but can’t (or won’t) explain what happened.

• Creepy moment: The typewriter types Gabe’s last words.

• Shock: Ella freaks out because the plug has been pulled.

• Release: Mama Lee explains that all these old typewriters have battery backups.

• Anxiety: Ella destroys her paper by tearing it up.

• Creepy moment: Tunney reminds them all that there’s no electricity because of the tornado.

• Release: A rescue worker enters the room – the tree has been removed, they are free

TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

8. EXT – RUINED CHURCH – DAY

Horror Situation: Ella finds the paper she destroyed in her back pocket.

• Suspense: As everyone goes their separate ways, Ella mounts her bike and feels something in her back pocket.

• Surprise: She pulls out and unfolds a typewritten paper that has her last words printed on it.

• Shock: She screams and faints. Tunney catches her.

ACT 2

9. INT – AARONS OFFICE/LIBRARY – DAY

The Seven convene around old books and newspapers.

Gabe presses Aaron for information on the ‘typewriter’. He shows them a photo from 100 years ago and an old model non-electric Woodstock typewriter is featured. He tells them the story of the typewriter as he knows it.

Aaron insists that there can’t be anything to this because the typewriter in the photo doesn’t match the typewriter from the basement office. Mama Lee agrees with Aaron and tries to comfort Ella – explaining away the second paper (maybe she only thought she tore up the first one).

Isa is fearful but tight-lipped.

Cassie is elated. She starts blogging immediately; dramatically exploiting the situation for sensationalism.

The others are interested in learning more, but Tunney scoffs at the idea of supernatural consequences. He refuses to get involved and leaves for another “adventure”.

Before they all separate, Ella makes them all connect on a group chat so they can keep in touch… just in case.

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

10. INT/EXT – TUNNEY’S CAR/TREE-LINED ROAD – DAY

Horror Situation: Tunney has a flashback of his hit-and-run accident. He thinks he sees the dead boy in his back seat.

• Fear – the voice of the boy he killed calls to him. Tunney sees his broken body in his back seat.

• Suspense – Tunney pulls the car over; there’s nobody in the back seat

11. INT/EXT – GABE’S TRUCK – DAY

Gabe has Ella’s bike in the back of his truck. He drives through a wooded residential area not affected by the tornado. He is about to pull over, but Ella spots a boy walking down the street and urges him to drive on. She claims he’s a bully that’s been harassing her. Gabe drives on. Ella tells him that she’s probably going to take a vow of silence till they figure out what’s going on.

12. INT/EXT – CASSIE’S CAR – DAY

Isa admits her fears to Cassie about the typewriter – what she saw in her trance – and how she feels that they all may be targets. Cassie is dismissive and excited about how many reads she’s got on her story already.

13. INT/EXT – TUNNEY’S CAR/TREE-LINED ROAD – DAY

Horror Situation: Tunney has a flashback of his hit-and-run experience. Panic-stricken, he bungee jumps to his death.

• FEAR – Tunney hears the inexplicable voice of the hit-and-run victim.

• SHOCK – In a flashback, he remembers the hit. The boy on the bike goes down. Tunney exits his car and sees the boy’s mangled body. He panics. The boy is half-conscious. Tunney looks about and the boy reaches up to him for help. Tunney is distressed and worried. He chokes the life out of the boy.

• DREAD – Tunney, in a panic, races to the bridge.

14. EXT – BRIDGE – DAY

Horror Situation: Panic-stricken, Tunney bungee jumps to his death.

• Suspense – Tunney, frenzied, comes upon his friends at the bridge.

• PANIC – He grabs a bungee rope and attaches it to his leg, saying he needs a “rush” and a “jolt.” “I gotta get out of my head!”

• FEAR – A friend warns him to wait, they haven’t measured the lines yet.

• HORROR – Tunney plunges ahead and yells “Chaos Calls!” as he jumps. The bungee cord breaks and results in a fatal fall.

15. INT – OFFICE/LIBRARY – DAY

The six learn of Tunney’s death. The Six meet up together. Gabe talks to the friend who was with Tunney at the bridge and confirms his last words.

Ella, full of anxiety, wonders how much time they all have. The others comfort her and assure her that they will figure this out.

Gabe lays out all the “last words” next to each other and they look for some sort of pattern.

Isa confesses what she has perceived about the situation so far – and says they need to understand why they may be targeted.

Aaron scoffs and refuses to act, claiming it’s all a coincidence. Mama Lee urges the group to focus on practical solutions rather than supernatural explanations. She suggests maybe the friend killed Tunney.

Cassie, in her blog, has portrayed the typewriter to be benevolent and good-natured.

Ella manages to put the papers in order from shortest words to longest. Gabe surmises that Tunney only had two words. They figured it had been two hours since they left the basement and Tunney went bungee jumping. They guess that the number of words might be the number of hours they have left.

They test their guess with Sarah’s last words – She had 14 words – Cassie confirms that it was 14 hours from the time she lost contact with Sarah till they found her.

Aaron’s paper has only five words on it. If their predictions are correct – he only has an hour to live. They parse out the rest of the group. Each person dying within an hour or two of one another. Gabe has the most words – 12 hours total.

Horror Situation: Aaron has a run-in with the town mayor (whom he betrayed) and escapes to an underground tunnel where he is killed when the tunnel collapses.

• Surprise: The mayor interrupts and brandishes a gun at Aaron – Aaron jokes and tells him he’s an hour early

• Fear: the group is on edge – they try to intervene.

• Suspense: Gabe wrestles with the mayor and takes away the gun. Aaron escapes down a secret tunnel.

• Dread – they all fear for Aaron’s life and Ella insists on going after him. Gabe refuses to let her go alone.

While they are gone, Isa, Cassie, and Mama Lee uncover documents that reveal the historic victims of the typewriter were specific people who told lies to gain wealth and position. While Aaron’s sins are obvious, they wonder how Tunney could have possibly been a target… how all of them could be targets.

16. EXT – CONGO JUNGLE VILLAGE – DAY

Isa has a flashback. She pays hush money to women who were sexually abused by health workers there to give them aid during an Ebola outbreak.

17. INT – AARON’S OFFICE/LIBRARY – DAY

Mama Lee suggests they just go and destroy the typewriter. The three ladies take off.

18. INT – UNDERGROUND TUNNELL – DAY

Horror Situation: Aaron runs through an underground passage that caves in on him.

• Apprehension – Aaron is confused and not sure which way to go.

• Anxiety – He comes to a blocked tunnel – he must turn around.

• Surprise – He realizes he’s been walking in circles.

• Shock – He hears a rumble behind him. Is it another cave-in?

• FEAR – he senses a malevolent force pursuing him down a claustrophobic passage.

• Panic – He calls out for help, he’s completely confused.

• Horror – He says his last words “I didn’t do anything wrong!” as the tunnel collapses on him.

•

Gabe and Ella search for him. They hear the rumble and race to find him.

19. INT. – BASEMENT OFFICE – DAY

Isa, Mama Lee, and Cassie confront the typewriter.

Horror Situation:

Horror Situation: Isa can see that the typewriter gets its power from the souls it collects.

• FEAR – Isa is again taken into a trance by the typewriter.

• Suspense – she sees Tunney and Aaron and other lost souls connected to the typewriter. They are angry and bitter and don’t understand why they are trapped.

• Apprehension – are they reaching out for Isa? Are they trying to draw her in?

• Surprise – there is a hand on her – but it is Cassie, pulling her away.

• Monster reveal: The typewriter gains power from the souls it collects.

Mama Lee tries to take a bat to the typewriter – but can’t bring herself to strike.

Cassie grabs the bat and is about to smash it.

Isa stops her – tells them both that if they destroy the typewriter – it will somehow become stronger. They don’t believe her. They argue.

20. INT – UNDERGROUND TUNNEL – DAY

Horror Situation: Gabe and Ella find Aaron’s dead body.

• Suspense: Gabe and Ella walk the dark tunnel looking and calling for Aaron

• Dread: They come to a portion of the tunnel that has caved in.

• Shock: Gabe shines the light on a hand sticking out of the rubble

• Anguish: They dig out Aaron’s body

• Creepy moment: They find that Aaron is clutching his “last words” in his other hand.

• Panic: Ella freaks out

• Release: Gabe drags her away and says they should get to safety.

21. INT – LIBRARY/OFFICE – DAY

The Five reconvene in the library.

Monster Reveal: They discover a historic journal that Aaron was hiding. It identifies the malevolent spirit behind the typewriter. They discover that it wasn’t always a typewriter; it has had different iterations over the centuries and is now contained in an electric typewriter. Isa feels vindicated but they wonder why Aaron was hiding this information.

Emergency workers condemn the building and force them to leave.

Mama Lee invites everyone over but Gabe dissuades her from going back to her house.

Cassie decides it’s time to leave town and she and Isa give Ella a ride home.

Isa suggests that maybe the typewriter is chastising them for their sins – maybe they need to confess their misdeeds to escape the wrath. They scoff at her. Ella says she’s going to take a vow of silence.

22. INT – ELLAS BEDROOM – DAY

Ella’s room is covered in posters of a TEEN HEARTTHROB. She lays on her bed and has a flashback of how she harasses a boy at school (the one she claimed was bullying her) and has made his life miserable.

23. EXT – CITY STREET – DAY

Horror Situation: Cassie decides to leave town and gets hit by a truck on the street.

• Apprehension: Cassie decides that by leaving town, she’ll save herself.

• Suspense: Isa tries to persuade her to stay. Insists they can’t ‘escape’. But Cassie thinks Isa just wants to try to get back together with Gabe.

• Surprise: Cassie finds her “last words” in her suitcase.

• Panic: She accuses Isa of trying to scare her and everyone else. She gathers her things quickly and leaves Isa behind.

• Dread: In the elevator, Cassie has a flashback of her misdeed.

• Horror: Cassie races blindly out of the elevator and out into the street. She gets a call on her phone and unwittingly says her “last words.” (she can’t believe she just said that). She’s hit by an armored car.

24. INT. ELLA’S BEDROOM/FRONT DOOR – DAY

Horror situation: Ella is drawn out of her house by an apparition and killed.

• Surprise: Ella has fallen asleep on her bed and wakes to a knock on her front door

• Apprehension: She cautiously goes to the door.

• Shock: She opens the door to her TEEN HEARTTHROB.

• Anxiety: She’s not sure if she’s dreaming or awake.

• Suspense: The TEEN HEARTTHROB invites her to go for a walk. She accepts.

25. EXT – WOODS – DAY – CONTINUOUS

• Panic: As they walk, the boy changes back and forth from the HEARTHTHROB to the boy she wronged.

• Horror: Ella realizes she’s walking with the boy she has wronged. He has a knife, and he kills her. Last words: This is all a misunderstanding – It wasn’t me! (8 hours)

ACT 3

26. INT – GABES TRUCK – DAY

Gabe picks up Isa and Isa explains why she thinks the monster is targeting them (their lies for shameful gain). He agrees to go back to the typewriter with her so they can confess their sins.

They go to get Mama Lee.

27. EXT – MAMA LEE’S PORCH – DAY

Gabe and Isa try to get Mamma Lee to go with them to confess her sins. Mama Lee explains how she can see why this town has suffered so much; that they were all complicit in the cover-up of child abuse that took place at the church. But she assures them that she’s done nothing wrong… that she’s escaped God’s wrath.

28. INT – MAMA LEE’S HOME – DAY

Horror Situation: Mama Lee’s house collapses on her

• Apprehension: Mama Lee thinks she hears her children’s voices coming from her attic.

• Panic: thinking it’s her children, she rushes to them but then the voices turn sinister.

• Fear: In the attic, she has a flashback of the abuse of her husband towards her own children. They ask her why she never helped them she replies, “That’s just the way he loved you kids.”

• Dread: She’s trapped and can’t get out.

• Horror: She utters her last words and the house collapses. “This isn’t fair! Other people get away with murder. Why me?”

29. INT – BASEMENT OFFICE – DAY

Isa touches the typewriter again and sees the other iterations… it started out as a quill pen, then morphed till it became this typewriter. She understands that if the typewriter is destroyed, it could manifest as the next development in word processing and potentially reach more people.

They decide not to destroy it.

They make their confessions:

Gabe admits his cowardice. That he’s a slave to his publisher and slants stories to tell a certain narrative. He also admits that he hates his job; he’s afraid to try to be anything else. The words on his paper disappear. A blinding, unnatural light engulfs him – leaving him blind/disoriented.

Isa admits her culpability in their relationship. That it was her deception that broke them up.

They are released from the room and flee.

30. EXT – STREET – NIGHT

Horror Situation: Isa is shot and killed by a looter. Gabe is pursued by the malevolent spirit. He destroys the typewriter.

• Anguish: They come upon some looters and Isa is shot. Gabe witnesses the death of Isa.

• Panic: Enraged (thought they had escaped) He decides he must destroy the typewriter. He races through the streets as the sinister spirit pursues and various objects try to kill Gabe.

• Horror: He tosses a grenade into the basement. It implodes and tries to pull Gabe in. He barely makes it out alive.

31. INT – GABE’S TRUCK – NIGHT

Gabe leaves town. He opens his phone to get directions. The typewriter appears as a new app on Gabe’s phone.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Scary-As-Hell Scene

What I learned… to create a scary scene, start with a horror map that includes a horror situation, the emotion you want to start and end with, and then place an arc of emotions in between those two bookends. Finally, attach a physical representation to each emotion. Add in scares and releases and you will have one scary as hell scene!

INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

A STORM rages. SARAH, 21, huddles beneath the staircase gripping two pieces of paper. JAKE, 21, stands on the first step and does calf raises.

A single fluorescent light allows them to see each other between the stair slats.

SARAH

Jake, if we can’t destroy it, then what’s to become of us? All of us?

JAKE

Seriously, Sarah? No way it’s real.

SARAH

Yeah.

The wind HOWLS.

Jake does a variety of exercise stretches using the stairway. Sarah opens the paper in her hand.

SARAH

What if it’s not a prank, Jake? What if…?

The SOUND of the WIND increases.

JAKE

Relax, Sarah. The sun’ll come out tomorrow!

Sarah gazes at the typewritten words. The lights go out. The only light is the battery-operated EXIT sign above the stairwell.

The SOUND of a LOUD ROARING TRAIN.

SARAH

Jake! I’m scared! Jake!

JAKE

Aww. Don’t be a-scared. Daddy’s here.

Jake reaches his hand through the slat to Sarah. She half-smiles and reaches for him.

The door at the top of the stairs bursts open with a torrent of rain.

JAKE

Hold on.

SARAH

No, Jake. Don’t go up there. Don’t go.

Jake laughs and runs up the stairs. He trips halfway up but keeps going.

JAKE

Calm down, Sarah! It’s just a tornado, not a monster!

Sarah gets to her feet and looks to the top of the stairs.

SARAH

Jake, please. I’m begging you. Come back. Please come back.

He reaches the top of the stairs and pushes on the door.

JAKE

None of this is real.

A forceful gust sweeps Jake off his feet, pulling him out through the opening and he is sucked into the raging tornado.

SARAH

Jake!

Sarah opens the paper and reads the typed words “None of this is real.”

She screams.

The wind and rain rush down the staircase and saturate Sarah. She’s frozen, screaming in terror. Debris from the tornado descends upon her. Dirt, twigs, branches, bricks, glass, and pieces of metal bury her at the foot of the stairs.

END

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy Moments!

What I learned… Scares, releases, and creepy moments can be used in any scene. These are great techniques that can be used as a setup or as a way to keep the audience on edge. Releases are also important so there is an ebb and flow to the horror.

EXT. MAMA LEE’S HOUSE – DAY

Gabe and Aaron walk across the front yard. Gabe snaps photos of the peculiar debris scattered; a porcelain doll head, a child’s bike, books, and a school crossing sign.

Gabe knocks on the front door, and as Aaron follows, the handrail breaks off. He regains his balance.

MAMA LEE, 65, plump with jet black hair, wears a wraparound flowered dress. She pushes her glasses up on her nose.

MAMA LEE: Well, look what the storm blew in! Come in! Come in! Aaron, so nice of you to drop by.

They enter the tilted house.

GABE: Mama Lee, the house is unstable. You should leave.

MAMA LEE: Honey, this old house has weathered worse.

INT – MAMA LEES HOUSE – KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

Gabe and Aaron follow Mama Lee to the kitchen.

Gabe’s gaze drifts to the backyard. He freezes as he spots a lifeless body amidst the debris. Mama Lee busies herself with a propane burner and a coffee pot. Gabe motions to Aaron who is also shocked.

MAMA LEE: Will you be in town long?

GABE: Just here to cover the story.

Aaron moves and stands in front of the window. Mama Lee notices.

MAMA LEE: I know about the body boys. It’s Barbara. Not much I can do now.

Gabe and Aaron exchange uncertain glances.

GABE: Who’s Barbara?

Mama Lee gets coffee cream from the dark fridge.

MAMA LEE: Lives… I mean lived, about two blocks away. We visit just about every Tuesday. Always came by with her Shih Tzu. Snickers.

AARON: Snickers?

MAMA LEE: The dog’s name.

GABE: Mama Lee, about the tornado… can you describe your experience?

MAMA LEE: God’s judgment, dear. But I escaped His wrath. Why don’t you boys grab a mug? Make yourselves at home.

Aaron picks up a mug that reads “Live, Laugh, Love.” Mama Lee chuckles.

MAMA LEE: Barbara’s favorite. Bless her heart.

She pours coffee into the mug. Aaron looks out the window at the corpse.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned: Act 3 is where anguish, panic, horror, and hysteria reach their peak. Anguish is experienced when a character witnesses the death of someone they care for. Panic sets in when they know they ‘might be next.’ This is accompanied by Horror which can be a drawn-out and suspenseful situation. Finally, there is hysteria which puts them in a situation that’s completely out of their control, extending their horror and helplessness.

EXT. ABANDONED STREET – NIGHT

Gabe and Isa walk hand in hand, navigating debris. They come upon some broken glass.

Isa – I can’t walk across that.

Gabe looks at her thin ballet flats.

Isa – let’s go back, around the other block.

Gabe – Come on.

He offers Isa a piggyback ride. She laughs and accepts.

As they round the corner, they hear SHATTERED GLASS. A Jewelry Store is looted. They pause, in shock and watch the flickering light and shadows of the scavengers. An ARMED MAN, burley with wild eyes, stands by the door. He doesn’t see them.

Gabe quietly backs up.

Isa spots a flashy necklace on the sidewalk in front of them. She slides off Gabe’s back and goes for it.

Gabe: Wait!

As she grabs it, the armed looter turns and sees her.

LOOTER:

What are you doing?

ISA:

Just a little souvenir.

The Looter brandishes his GUN. He looks around.

LOOTER:

You a cop?

ISA:

Yeah, right. I’m an officer of the law.

The looter shoots Isa. She collapses, a stunned expression on her face, clutching the necklace. Gabe, shocked, cradles Isa in his arms. The looter runs into the store.

Gabe calls 911. He looks helplessly at Isa.

Gabe: Isa, I’m so sorry. I thought… We need an ambulance, right away.

Isa: I didn’t think… it’s not your fault… It’s mine.

Gabe: Stay with me.

LOOTER (O.C.)

Guys – we gotta go!

Looter runs out and trains his gun on Gabe.

LOOTER:

You got any last words?

Gabe:

I do, but I’m not going to say them now.

The looter looks at him confused. His accomplices rush out of the store and run away. He puts his gun away and takes off after them.

Gabe shakes Isa.

Gabe: Isa… Isa!

He checks her pulse. She’s gone.

He hears a METALIC CLICKING. He winces and looks about.

Gable gently places Isa on the ground and, in a daze, stumbles backward. Gabe, runs away from the scene, leaving Isa behind.

EXT – DOWNTOWN MAIN STREET – NIGHT

Gabe takes slow, careful steps, and passes garbage bins. The shadows contort, elongate, and follow him. A plastic bag rustles and chases him. Unnerved, he quickens his pace.

He passes a deserted playground where a lone swing sways and CREEKS, its rhythmic motion catches Gabe’s eye. He laughs nervously.

The sound of METALIC CLICKING.

He reaches his truck, opens the passenger side door, and retrieves duct tape. He wraps the tape around his mouth and head – taping his mouth shut. He grabs the grenade from the glove compartment.

Breathing heavily through his nose, he moves quickly toward the decimated church.

Above him, broken power lines swing. They spark and make the METALIC CLICKING noise. He dodges them, a spark hits him. His shirt ignites. He rolls on the ground to put out the fire.

He steps carefully but with increased speed over the debris-covered sidewalks. Shattered glass crunches beneath his feet. He looks down at his feet. The glass has penetrated his shoes and his feet bleed.

He reaches the church and makes his way around a standing wall, moving towards the basement entrance. The wall collapses behind him, barely missing his head. The lower half of his body is buried in debris. He manages to pull himself free.

He claws his way over the bricks and other debris.

Gabe:

Keep it together. Tear it apart. Keep it together.

Tears stream down his face, as he reaches the opening to the church basement. He pulls the pin on the grenade and tosses it down the stairway.

He rolls away and cowers as the grenade detonates and the structure caves in.

The cave-in cascades and pulls Gabe towards the hole. He grabs hold of the fallen tree trunk and struggles to keep himself from going into the hole. The tree trunk gets pulled in. With great difficulty, he manages to scramble away without going under.

He crawls to the churchyard and leans on a headstone.

The rumbling stops and all is quiet.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned… Emotions ratchet up in Act 2 and must include Fear, Suspense, and Dread. The essence of these emotions will be an expectation of torture or death.

Tunney, 23, athletic type with spiky short hair speeds down a desolate tree-lined road. The MUSIC BLARES and the WIND SCREAMS. His back seat is full of his camera drone and other recording equipment.

Tunney texts as he drives.

INSERT PHONE:

Text Reads: You in?

TUNNEY

On my way. Gotta get my bungee on. Chaos Calls.

He ‘sends’ and then sets his phone down.

SEAN (V.O.)

Tunney.

Tunney glances at his rearview mirror.

SEAN (V.O.)

I know you, Tunney.

Tunney turns OFF the MUSIC. The WIND HOWLS.

In Tunney’s rear-view mirror is the mangled body of SEAN, 11 years old. He smiles through a bloody mouth. Tunney’s eyes widen.

TUNNEY

What the…?

Tunney brakes and screeches to a halt. He turns around; in the back seat is his recording equipment.

EXT – CAR/ROAD – CONTINUOUS

Tunney stumbles out of the car.

SEAN (V.O.)

Remember me?

Tunney watches this scene play out in front of him:

EXT – LONELY TREE LINED ROAD – DAY

SEAN, 11 years old, rides his bike. Tunney’s car comes screaming over the hill, hitting Sean, and sending him flying. Tunney jumps out of his car and races to the boy.

TUNNEY

No, man! No! This can’t be happening. Oh, god. I’m ruined. I’m ruined.

Sean reaches a feeble hand up to Tunney.

SEAN

Hey, I know you!

Tunney is beyond distressed. He screams, paces, and looks about frantically.

TUNNEY

Oh, man. Oh, man.

SEAN

What happened?

Tunney gets a look of determination on his face. He leans down to Sean.

TUNNEY

I don’t know man. I don’t know. But the ambulance will be here real soon.

Tunney wraps his hands around Sean’s neck and chokes the life out of him.

BACK TO

EXT. CAR/ROAD – DAY

The engine ticks. Tunney clutches his head, hits himself several times, and jumps back in the car.

INT/EXT – TUNNEY’S CAR – DAY

SEAN (V.O.)

Where’s the fire, Tunney?

EXT – BRIDGE – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tunney speeds towards a bridge. A small group of people are gathered, engaged in lively conversation. Tunney screeches to a halt, his disheveled appearance alarms the group. He grabs a bungee rope, his eyes wild.

TUNNEY

I need a rush, a jolt! Gotta get out of my head!

FRIEND

Wait, Tunney, we haven’t measured the lines yet. It’s not safe!

Tunney attaches the bungee cord to his leg.

TUNNEY

Chaos Calls

He leaps off the bridge.

The bungee cord snaps.

Tunney plummets.

The group gasps.

The impact is fatal.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned… A horror film is an emotional journey and you must create an atmosphere for horror. It’s important to establish Apprehension/Anxiety, Surprise, and Shock in the First Act.

EXT – MAIN STREET – MORNING

The small town lies in ruins after the tornado. There is a scattering of Emergency vehicles and work crews clearing debris. Electrical crews repair power lines. GABE, 30, shirt and tie, and AARON, 35, clad in a tattered leather jacket, navigate through the wreckage. Gabe talks into his phone as he makes notes.

Aaron points at a demolished building.

AARON

Remember the diner? We used to hang out there all the time.

Gabe scowls and avoids eye contact. He talks into his phone.

GABE

Most buildings are decimated.

AARON

Really? Captain obvious.

A COYOTE emerges from the debris and snarls. Aaron freezes. Gabe grabs a loose brick.

GABE

Storm must have brought it in.

Aaron steps backward; arms outstretched.

AARON

Don’t look at it! Easy there, fella. We don’t want any trouble.

The coyote retreats, disappearing into the wreckage. Gabe eyes Aaron skeptically.

GABE

OK. Captain Kangaroo.

They walk on. A few blocks away a single house remains.

GABE

Someone got lucky.

AARON

That’s Mama Lee’s house. You remember the Lees?

GABE

Not a chance. But I’d like to meet her now. Good human interest angle.

AARON

I didn’t know humans interested you.

They stop in front of a brick-and-mortar church, only half destroyed.

GABE

How could this place have survived?

Aaron steps over some debris and picks up a large cross that was part of the marquee. He disturbs a

GARTER SNAKE. It strikes Aaron’s arm, and he recoils in pain.

AARON

What the…?

Aaron shakes it off and Gabe comes down hard on its head with his boot. Aaron glares at him, clutching his arm.

AARON

It’s a Garter snake, you impulsive jerk. She was just scared.

GABE

Better safe than sorry.

AARON

You didn’t have to kill it!

Gabe inspects the wound. Aaron pulls away.

GABE

Let’s just get this over with.

They head towards Mama Lee’s house.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Horror Outline Version 1

What I learned: The different tracks all came together to create an outline. It took longer than expected because I continued to re-shape it to make sure the story flowed. However, it’s incredible to see how all of the tracks create the story I now have.

Act 1

Open:

INT – CRAWL SPACE – NIGHT

A young man and woman, Sarah Admonito, 23, shelter from a raging tornado. The man yells “None of this is real,” and is sucked up into the frenzy. Sarah opens a piece of paper with the same words typed on it – she screams.

EXT – TORNADO DEVASTATED SMALL TOWN – DAY

A Day Later – the small, decimated town. There is a scattering of work crews and emergency vehicles.

Gabe, 30, and Aaron, 35, cautiously walk down the main street. Aaron points out where things “used to be,” and tries to engage Gabe in small talk. Gabe eschews nostalgia and asks Aaron to stick to the facts. They are startled when a coyote, displaced by the storm, challenges them. Aaron de-escalates the situation and the coyote runs away.

As they move along, Aaron disturbs the hiding place of a Garter snake and is bitten. Gabe kills it. Aaron is mad at Gabe for killing the snake.

They come to a single home left standing. Mama Lee, the homeowner, welcomes them into her kitchen, which has suffered significant damage. They caution her of the danger, but she insists that everything is fine and proceeds to make them coffee/tea. We learn that Gabe is an investigative journalist from the big city and formerly from this town.

Ella, 16, rides through the debris on her bike. She pauses at the post office and turns up her nose at the smell. She sees a fire truck a few blocks away, but then sees Aaron and Gabe exiting Mama Lee’s. She heads towards them.

A camera drone buzzes above them all. It’s operated by Tunney, 23. It gets close to and enrages an electrical work crew. Tunney re-directs the drone and sneaks away.

Cassie, 34, and Isa, 30, arrive on the opposite side of town to what is left of an old brick-and-mortar church. It emits eerie sounds. Cassie prods Isa to go in and investigate, but Isa, though intrigued, is concerned for her safety.

They go into what’s left of the annex and the creaking increases. A turkey vulture descends from a rafter, upsetting the structure. They run out as the front of the building collapses.

They hear a muffled call for help under the debris. They call out for help and work to clear debris. Gabe, Aaron, Ella, Mama Lee, and Tunney all make their way over to see what’s going on and to help.

INT – CHURCH BASEMENT – DAY

Warning:

They find Sarah Admonito, who is injured, at the bottom of a stairway. Cassie recognizes her. The basement is completely intact. Emergency workers arrive with a stretcher. The seven look about the basement and wonder at how “normal” it looks. No damage anywhere. They all move deeper into the basement, looking for more people.

Sarah is conflicted as the workers lift her to safety, but finally, with tears and terror she cries out “Don’t go in there, it’s a trap. You’ll all be killed. There’s no escape.” Then she dies. A piece of paper drops from her hand – typed on it are the exact words she just spoke. They are all confused.

Denial:

Tunney ignores everyone and immediately explores the basement.

Cassie keeps the paper and explains she came here to follow up on a story involving Sarah, but she’s sure it was just a publicity stunt.

Aaron questions Cassie about the story. When she mentions the mysterious typewriter, Aaron laughs at the “old wives’ tale” that’s been circulating since he was a kid.

Isa is alarmed. She senses paranormal danger but doesn’t reveal this to the group.

Gabe is dismissive of the matter and wonders if there are more survivors who need their help.

Mama Lee agrees with Gabe and says they should look for survivors.

They all push further into the basement, but an emergency worker calls them out.

Ella, eager to follow the group, tells the emergency worker about the gas leak at the post office. He leaves.

Safety taken away:

A large tree topples over the basement opening. The Seven are now trapped inside.

Gabe immediately calls for help and tells the emergency worker that they are safe but trapped. They must wait for a truck with a winch/pully to arrive.

Aaron leads them to a secret tunnel but finds it’s collapsed.

INT – GLASS OFFICE – DAY

They enter an office where an old electric typewriter sits. They are strangely drawn to it.

Isa is quick to recognize the paranormal but says nothing.

Tunney is the first to mess with it. When he touches it, it types his last words. “Chaos Calls.” He thinks this is a great prank and wishes he thought of it.

Aaron is intrigued – he too – gets his last words. He mocks it and repeats the words out loud with no recourse. He and Cassie discuss the history of the ‘typewriter hoax’ and he mentions he has some historical records back in his office that she’s free to look at.

Ella wants to “try” – It types her last words.

Mama Lee realizes that the door is locked behind her. She thinks it strange but looks around for a key. When she goes near the typewriter, she touches it, and it types her last words.

Cassie is mesmerized. She wonders if it’s powered by AI. She touches it and gets her last words.

Isa touches the typewriter and goes into a trance. It types her last words, but she can’t pull away. When Gabe tries to help her… thinking she’s being electrocuted, he unplugs the typewriter. She is released.

When he steps away – the typewriter types his last words.

Ella starts to freak out, but Mama Lee explains that it’s probably running on batteries and printing out something that was pre-programmed. Ella destroys her paper by tearing it up.

Tunney reminds them all that there’s no electricity because of the tornado.

The room frees them, and they are no longer trapped. Mama Lee says she must have been turning the door handle the wrong way.

EXT – RUINED CHURCH – DAY

The workers clear the tree, and they exit.

TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1

Ella mounts her bike and feels something in her back pocket. She pulls out and unfolds a typewritten paper that has her last words printed on it. She screams and faints. Tunney catches her.

ACT 2

INT – AARONS OFFICE/LIBRARY – DAY

The Seven convene around old books.

Gabe presses Aaron for information on the ‘typewriter’. He shows them a photo from 100 years ago and an old model non-electric Woodstock typewriter is featured.

Aaron insists that there can’t be anything to this because the typewriter in the photo doesn’t match the typewriter from the basement office. Mama Lee agrees with Aaron and tries to comfort Ella – explaining away the second paper (maybe she only thought she tore up the first one).

Isa is fearful but tight-lipped.

Cassie is elated. She starts blogging immediately; dramatically exploiting the situation for sensationalism.

The others are interested in learning more, but Tunney scoffs at the idea of supernatural consequences. He refuses to get involved and leaves for another “adventure”.

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

INT/EXT – TUNNEY’S CAR/TREE-LINED ROAD – DAY

Tunney drives away. He has a vision of himself accidentally hitting a kid on a bike. He jumps out of the car, totally freaked out… but nothing is there. As he collects himself the ‘struck’ teenager stands before him (broken and bloody). “I know what you did.” Tunney jumps.

He’s back in the car, driving. He shakes himself as if waking from sleep.

INT/EXT – GABE’S TRUCK – DAY

Gabe has Ella’s bike in the back of his truck. He drives through a wooded residential area not affected by the tornado. He is about to pull over, but Ella spots a boy walking down the street and urges him to drive on. She claims he’s a bully that’s been harassing her. Gabe drives on. Ella tells him that she’s probably going to take a vow of silence till they figure out what’s going on.

INT/EXT – CASSIE’S CAR – DAY

Isa admits her fears to Cassie about the typewriter – what she saw in her trance – and how she feels that they all may be targets. Cassie is dismissive and excited about how many reads she’s got on her story already.

INT/EXT – TUNNEY’S CAR/TREE-LINED ROAD – DAY

Tunney hears the inexplicable voice of the hit-and-run victim. He looks in his rearview mirror and the boy is in the back seat. He stops the car again and gets out. He rouses himself and tries to reassure himself it’s all in his imagination.

His memory replays the hit. The boy on the bike goes down. Tunney exits his car and sees the boy’s mangled body. He panics. The boy is half-conscious. Tunney looks about and the boy reaches up to him for help. Tunney is distressed and worried. He chokes the life out of the boy.

EXT – BRIDGE – DAY

Tunney is back in his car. He comes to a bridge where a small group of people are gathered. Tunney screeches to a halt and races to the group. They are all friendly and greet him but are alarmed at his fractured state. He grabs a bungee rope and attaches it to his leg, saying he needs a “rush” and a “jolt.” “I gotta get out of my head!” A friend warns him to wait, they haven’t measured the lines yet. But Tunney plunges ahead and yells “Chaos Calls!” and he jumps. The bungee cord breaks and results in a fatal fall.

INT – OFFICE/LIBRARY – DAY

The six learn of Tunney’s death. The Six meet up together. Gabe talks to the friend who was with Tunney at the bridge and confirms his last words.

Ella begins to shake and shriek. The others comfort her and assure her that they will figure this out.

Isa confesses what she has perceived about the situation so far – and says they need to understand why they are being targeted.

Aaron scoffs and refuses to act, claiming it’s all a coincidence. Mama Lee urges the group to focus on practical solutions rather than supernatural explanations. She suggests maybe the friend killed Tunney.

Cassie, in her blog, has portrayed the typewriter to be benevolent and good-natured.

Isa and Gabe have an awkward conversation about their past together. He wonders how she got hooked up with Cassie… thought she was involved in international aid.

Aaron has a run-in with the town Mayor – they are at odds over Aaron’s apparent dishonesty in a situation. Aaron claims innocence.

Ella wonders how much time they all have.

Gabe is determined to learn the typewriter’s origin through research and deciphering its messages. He gathers all the typewritten copies and he and Aaron go back to the library.

INT – LIBRARY/AARONS OFFICE – DAY

Gabe sees someone in a library typing on their computer and notices the words they type are Gabe’s own “Last words.”

Aaron and Gabe uncover documents that reveal the victims of the typewriter were specific people who told lies to gain wealth and position. They wonder how Tunney could have possibly been a target.

INT – HOTEL – NIGHT

Isa and Cassie return to their hotel.

Isa has a Haunting Hallucination that terrifies her psyche. (She has just returned from the CONGO where hush money was paid to women who were sexually abused by the health workers there to give them aid during an EBOLA outbreak.)

She calls Gabe, and says she’s decided to leave town and go back home. Says she will wait till this all blows over. But Gabe persuades her to stay. Says he needs her insights. If this is a curse, they are going to need her “powers” to learn the typewriter’s vulnerability. He ultimately wants to destroy it.

Cassie has a gruesome nightmare, which leaves her fearful and distressed. (She wrote a story about employees who work at Dollar Tree who are hateful and possessed by demons of racism – A homeless man machetes down such an employee).

When Gabe comes to bring Isa and Cassie back to the scene, Cassie refuses to leave.

As they drive, Isa sees her last words written on a billboard. – Isa begs Gabe to let her go – but Gabe reasons with her.

INT. – BASEMENT OFFICE – DAY

Isa is again taken into a trance by the typewriter. She gains insight by seeing Tunney and understanding his Sin – she sees other lost souls connected to the typewriter… that it uses to make itself more powerful (their anger and bitterness fuel the curse.)

They both go to Aaron for help.

INT – LIBRARY/OFFICE – DAY

Aaron finds an old journal or diary, which uncovers information about the typewriter’s identity. Isa thinks it’s the lost souls that are doing this – but Aaron discovers that there’s a malevolent spirit behind it all… that the typewriter wasn’t always a typewriter; it has had different iterations over the centuries and is now contained in an electric typewriter.

The three vow to work together to find a weakness and break the curse.

The former Mayor comes to the office and confronts Aaron about his false allegations that cost him his job. Aaron refuses to accept responsibility. He is attacked by his accuser, but Gabe defends him and calls the police.

Aaron, to avoid his accuser, goes down a back tunnel to escape.

Cassie arrives and Isa confides in Cassie about what she saw in her vision – that the typewriter is chastising each of them for their Sins. Cassie pleads innocence and becomes hysterical. Isa assures her she will try to solve the mystery

Cassie sees their last words on Aaron’s smartphone. She thinks maybe Aaron is behind all this – and possibly the perpetrator.

Cassie and Gabe go into the tunnel after Aaron.

INT – ELLAS HOME – DAY

Isa goes to check in on Ella who has stopped talking altogether. She tries to get Ella to confess whatever sin she might be hiding. But Ella refuses to speak.

Ella gets a knock on her door – it’s the boy she says has been harassing her. He invites her to come out with him so they can reconcile – but Ella leaves with Isa. As they drive, Ella has a flashback of herself harassing the boy and making his life miserable.

INT – UNDERGROUND TUNNEL – DAY

Aaron finds the secret room he has been looking for (as indicated in his journals/notes). Cassie and Gabe catch up with him… and finally Isa and Ella. What they find explains how long a person can live after their encounter with the typewriter… however many “last words” they have are the hours they have left to live. Tunney died within two hours – he only had two words. Everyone counts their words – and realizes they all have less than 8 hours.

As they exit, Aaron gets separated from the others.

A tunnel caves in, blocking the way out. He is relentlessly pursued by malevolent forces, navigating the claustrophobic passages in an attempt to escape. Finally, the tunnel collapses on him.

Last Words: Who turned out the light? (5 hours)

EXT – CITY STREET – DAY

Cassie decides to leave town. She thinks if she can get out of town – this will save her. She races to her hotel and grabs her things. As she exits onto the street, she gets a phone call from ??? and tells the person “I’ll be there in a second” (7 hours) (she can’t believe she just said that). She’s hit by an armored car.

EXT – RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Ella and Isa see a boy walking down the street. Ella sees the boy as her “teen heartthrob” – the poster on her bedroom wall comes to life. He invites her to go for a walk in the woods – Ella is enchanted and follows him. She assures Isa it’s okay. Isa reluctantly lets her go.

EXT – WOODS – DAY

He turns into the boy she has wronged. He has a knife and he kills her. Last words: This is all a misunderstanding – It wasn’t me! (8 hours)

ACT 3

INT – GABES TRUCK – DAY

Gabe finally understands why the monster is targeting them (their lies for shameful gain). He sees Isa on the street and picks her up. He explains what he understands and tells her they need to get back to the typewriter to confess their sins.

They go to get Mama Lee.

EXT – MAMA LEE’S PORCH – DAY

Gabe begs Mamma Lee to confess her sins, but she assures him that she’s done nothing wrong.

INT – MAMA LEE’S HOME – DAY

Mama Lee thinks she hears her children’s voices coming from her attic. She rushes to them but then the voices turn sinister. In the attic, she has a flashback of the abuse of her husband towards her own children. She’s trapped and can’t get out. The house collapses. (It was severely damaged in the tornado – so it was only a matter of time)

Last words: This is how he loved you. How dare you! (8 hours)

INT – BASEMENT OFFICE – DAY

Gabe & Isa descend into the mysterious basement.

Isa touches the typewriter again and sees the other iterations… it started out as a quill pen, then morphed till it became this typewriter. She understands that if the typewriter is destroyed, it could manifest as the next development in word processing and potentially reach more people.

Gabe admits his cowardice. That he’s a slave to his publisher and slants stories to tell a certain narrative. He also admits that he hates his job; he’s afraid to try to be anything else. The words on his paper disappear. A blinding, unnatural light engulfs him – leaving him blind/disoriented.

Isa admits her culpability in their relationship. They are released from the room and flee.

EXT – STREET – NIGHT

On the street – people are looting. Isa gets up the ire of a man who is looting a store and he shoots her. Her Last words: “I’m sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose.” 8 hours

Gabe is with her, and the man asks him if he’s got any last words. Gabe says, “Actually, I do, but I’m not going to say them now.” The man puts his gun away and takes off.

INT – BASEMENT OFFICE – NIGHT

Gabe is horrified. Impatient and out of ideas, he goes back to the typewriter and yells at it; it’s not fair that only these few are targeted when there are so many others out there doing the same stuff. He’s horrified by the death around him and instead of trying to weaken and destroy the typewriter properly, he takes the typewriter and smashes it to pieces.

INT – GABE’S TRUCK – NIGHT

Gabe leaves town. He opens his phone to get directions. The typewriter appears as a new app on Gabe’s phone.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Character Journey Track

What I learned: Each character’s journey builds depth into the story. By building Character Profiles and giving each of them a Character Journey the story outline takes shape.

CHARACTER PROFILES:

Gabe (Leader/Protagonist):

Traits: Cautious, analytical, empathetic. impatient.

Fears: Failure

Wants/Needs: Wants financial stability, needs to overcome his fear of change, and pursue his passion for writing books.

Likability/Rooting Factors: desires redemption, protective instincts toward the group.

Reaction Under Stress: Initially denies but is determined to face the truth.

Relationships: Strained relationship with Isa due to past betrayal, protective older brother figure to Ella, clashes with Aaron due to conflicting investigative methods.

Isa (Love Interest):

Traits: Knowledgeable, mysterious, independent, vulnerable

Fears: being manipulated

Wants/Needs: Needs to prove her worth

Likability/Rooting Factors: Complex past with Gabe, expertise in the supernatural

Reaction Under Stress: withdraws but will attack when cornered

Relationships: distant and uneasy with others

Ella (Seemingly Innocent):

Traits: Curious, manipulative, secretive, desires genuine connections.

Fears: fear of being unimportant.

Wants/Needs: Wants attention and validation, needs authentic connections and acceptance.

Likability/Rooting Factors: Youthful innocence

Reaction Under Stress: dramatic outbursts

Relationships: sincerely wants to connect

Aaron (Rebel/Rule Breaker):

Traits: Rebellious, skeptical, charismatic, pot-stirrer

Fears: conformity

Wants/Needs: Wants recognition and validation.

Likability/Rooting Factors: genuine passion for uncovering secrets.

Reaction Under Stress: Defiant and rebellious, blame others.

Relationships: Clashes with everyone

Mamma Lee (Complainer):

Traits: Skeptical, stubborn, protective.

Fears: fear of losing her sense of normalcy

Wants/Needs: Wants family reconciliation, needs to confront the truth about her husband’s actions.

Likability/Rooting Factors: Adds a sense of grounded skepticism, relatable family struggles.

Reaction Under Stress: Denial and deflection

Relationships: mothering but with an agenda.

Tunney (Out of Control/Obnoxious):

Traits: Reckless, impulsive, thrill-seeker, absurd, and contradictory (even when he’s obviously wrong)

Fears: being alone

Wants/Needs: Wants adrenaline rushes, needs approval and acceptance from the group.

Likability/Rooting Factors: Adds tension and unpredictability

Reaction Under Stress: Dramatic and impulsive

Relationships: Unpredictable

Cassie (Red Herring): (She is a supernatural blogger who can take a legitimately fascinating or even mildly interesting story and turn it into something stupid, dishonest – or even worse, something boring.)

Traits: Nosey, gas lighter, narcissistic, super friendly, Deceptive, opportunistic, sensationalist

Fears: Fear of obscurity

Wants/Needs: Wants attention and recognition, needs to be taken seriously as a paranormal investigator.

Likability/Rooting Factors: Adds misdirection and suspense.

Reaction Under Stress: Dramatizes situations, deflects blame, shuts down emotionally.

Relationships: Manipulative

CHARACTER JOURNIES:

Gabe (Leader/Protagonist):

Character Intro: Gabe walks through the torn-up downtown with Aaron. He’s incredibly impatient, eschews nostalgia, and wants Aaron to get to the point. They see a coyote, displaced in the storm. A Copperhead venomous snake bites Aaron, Gabe kills it.

Denial: Gabe dismisses the typewriter’s curse as a hoax but wants to help the victim.

Reaction at First Horror: Gabe rationalizes Tunney’s death but wants to investigate anyway.

Relation to the Group after the First Horror: Becomes the leader. Aaron is jealous.

How They Fight Back: Gabe is determined to learn the typewriter’s origin through research and deciphering its messages.

End Point: Once Gabe realizes complete honesty is the key to breaking the curse, he tries to persuade others to tell the truth. When they refuse, he sees no other recourse but to “drop a bomb” on the typewriter. While his own “truth-telling” frees him and breaks his curse (he is ready to leave his job and become a novelist) – he’s now unleashed the typewriter to become more powerful.

Insight from Survival: Gabe’s survival showcases the power of facing one’s fears and embracing change. But his flaw – impatience – unleashes more devastation.

Isa (Love Interest):

Character Intro: Isa and Cassie approach an unstable structure that emits eerie sounds. Cassie wants to plow through, and Isa is conflicted because of the danger. They barely escape the collapse (both are slightly injured)

Denial: Isa believes there is something sinister about the typewriter but is afraid to express the truth because she doesn’t trust those around her and wants to explore it on her own.

Reaction at First Horror: Isa reacts in fear but hides it. Doesn’t want others to see her vulnerability.

Relation to the Group after the First Horror: Confesses what she has perceived about the situation.

How They Fight Back: Works with others to learn the typewriter’s vulnerability – ultimately wants to destroy it.

End Point: Isa’s survival hinges on her ability to trust Gabe and confront her own vulnerabilities. She refuses to be 100% honest and she dies as predicted. However, she does tell Gabe about the typewriter’s other iterations and it’s potential to become something else. He doesn’t quite believe her.

Insight from Death or Survival: Isa’s death underscores the importance of being vulnerable and trusting others as a good way to live.

Ella (Seemingly Innocent):

Character Intro: Ella rides her bike downtown, she smells a gas leak but doesn’t tell anyone about it – yet.

Denial: Ella loves to divert attention – so this discovery is exciting to her – but only as a distraction – it doesn’t mean anything until she can find a way to use it to her advantage.

Reaction at First Horror: Ella goes into shock.

Relation to the Group after the First Horror: Ella uses the others as a shield.

How They Fight Back: Ella refuses to speak. Ella’s death is the catalyst for the group’s realization that the typewriter targets those who lie.

End Point: Ella’s deceit serves as a cautionary tale about the impact of deceit on personal growth.

Insight from Death or Survival: Even the innocent are corrupt and lies destroy.

Aaron (Rebel/Rule Breaker):

Character Intro: Aaron walks Gabe through the wreckage – He accidentally rouses a Copperhead venomous snake and is bitten. First aid is readily available. But he’s mad at Gabe for killing the snake.

Denial: Aaron initially dismisses the supernatural origins of the typewriter, attributing it to a mere historical mystery. His denial is driven by a fear of being proven wrong and a desire for recognition.

Reaction at First Horror: Aaron’s reaction is defiant, challenging the existence of the supernatural. He minimizes the horror, dismissing it as a mere obstacle to his goal of uncovering the typewriter’s secrets.

Relation to the Group after the First Horror: Aaron’s rebellious nature clashes with Gabe’s cautious approach, causing tension within the group. His skewed historical accounts mislead the group, creating further discord.

How They Fight Back: Aaron’s fight involves a rebellious pursuit of the typewriter’s secrets, often ignoring warnings and placing the group at risk. His charisma and determination make him a polarizing force within the group.

End Point: Aaron’s hubris is his downfall. He thinks he’s more powerful than mere words.

Insight from Death or Survival: Arrogance kills. Know your limits. Be truthful.

Mamma Lee (Complainer):

Character Intro: Mamma Lee welcomes Gabe and Aaron into her home. They enter the kitchen which has suffered significant damage – but she insists that everything is fine and proceeds to make them coffee/tea.

Denial: She accuses everyone of overreacting. That there must be a reasonable explanation.

Reaction at First Horror: Dismissive and refusal to consider anything supernatural.

Relation to the Group after the First Horror: She becomes a voice of reason, urging the group to focus on practical solutions rather than supernatural explanations.

How They Fight Back: Mamma Lee goes into hiding. She refuses to face the truth.

End Point: Gabe begs Mamma Lee to confess her sins, but she assures him that she’s done nothing wrong. She does not accept her culpability in her husband’s abuse of her children.

Insight from Death or Survival: Mamma Lee’s fate offers insight into the consequences of denial and the importance of embracing uncomfortable truths.

Tunney (Out of Control/Obnoxious):

Character Intro: Tunney uses a drone camera to document the damage – he flies it close to emergency responders – making them very angry. He accidentally knocks a power line – causing a hazard that must be dealt with immediately.

Denial: Tunney says it’s just a prank.

Reaction at First Horror: Tunney is brash and dismissive and scoffs at the idea of supernatural consequences.

Relation to the Group after the First Horror: Tunney refuses to get involved and leaves for another “adventure”.

How They Fight Back: Selfish and uninvolved – Tunney is the first victim.

End Point: Tunney’s demise is linked to his inability to recognize the gravity of his actions.

Insight from Death or Survival: His journey serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of unchecked recklessness.

Cassie (Red Herring):

Character Intro: Cassie and Isa approach an unstable structure that emits eerie sounds. Cassie ignores the danger and wants Isa to investigate – she prods and encourages Isa to go on, despite the danger, and, of course, insists that Isa go first. They barely escape the collapse (both are slightly injured)

Denial: Cassie says it’s all a mere publicity stunt or an elaborate hoax.

Reaction at First Horror: Cassie’s reaction is initially dramatic, exploiting the situation for sensationalism.

Relation to the Group after the First Horror: Cassie’s deceptive nature creates distrust within the group. Her misdirection adds chaos to the group dynamics, creating further confusion.

How They Fight Back: Cassie will use others as a shield to protect herself.

End Point: Cassie will deny any wrongdoing and blame others. This will be her demise.

Insight from Death or Survival: It’s not wise to play with the truth.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Monster Reveal Track

What I learned: The monster is the mystery to be solved. As the story develops, the monster is slowly revealed, and the hero must put the pieces of the puzzle together so they can understand and defeat it. The key points are layered through the plot as clues.

What are its powers?

• To predict the last words a person will speak before they die.

• A person only has a short amount of time (???) after they receive their “last words,” before they perish.

• Those who encounter the typewriter become obsessed with it, feeling compelled to use it despite the ominous consequences.

• The words it types cannot be destroyed – if you tear up the paper, it will reappear in some form.

• The lives it takes are souls that it uses to make itself more powerful (their anger and bitterness fuel the curse.)

• If the typewriter is destroyed – it could manifest as something more powerful – like an app – that can reach more people.

Note: it has had different iterations over the centuries and is now contained in an electric typewriter.

What are its limitations?

• Its location in this church basement is permanent – it can’t go anywhere. But it compels people to come to it.

• If someone confesses the truth, it no longer has power over them. Complete honesty is the only way to break the curse, adding a moral dilemma for the characters as they confront their own deceptions.

What are its weaknesses?

• Destroying the typewriter may prove to be a monumental task, as it can reassemble itself or reappear in a different form, ensuring that its dark power endures.

• The hero must find a way to appease or release the souls who have succumbed to the typewriter’s hold… this will weaken its power and then ultimately find a way to sever the malevolent spirit’s connection to the typewriter permanently.

What is its Plan/Purpose/Appetite?

• It targets specific people who perpetually tell lies to gain wealth and position.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Character Death Track

What I learned… The horror genre is unique in that it has a ‘death track’ where no character is sacred and anyone could die for any reason… as long as it serves the story and delivers on my concept in a compelling way.

Character Death 1: Tornado / Young Man

Why: He is the opening of the story and the first victim – denies the typewriter has power

How: sucked away into the tornado

Last words: “None of this is real.”

Character Death 2: Tornado survivor, Young Lady

Why: She is the harbinger of danger

How: She succumbs to a serious injury from the collapsed building.

Last words “Don’t go in there, don’t go anywhere near it. It’s a trap, you’ll all die.”

Character Death 3: Tunney

Why: He’s the most obtuse and carefree – thinks it’s all a big joke. After his death, some will take the typewriter more seriously – but others will think it’s just a coincidence.

How: A bungee jumping disaster

Last words: His catchphrase: “Chaos calls!”

Character Death 4: Aaron

Why: In uncovering the mystery, the monster wants to keep the others in the dark. Aaron has the answer and wants to share the truth, but is silenced.

How: Tunnel collapses on him.

Last Words: Who turned out the light?

Character Death 5: Cassie

Why: Cassie has been misleading her blogging audience by sensationalizing untrue stories about the mystery typewriter. Her exaggerations make her a ton of money.

How: She’s hit by an armored car

Last words: I’ll be there in a sec (even though she’s nowhere close to being “there.” She’s agitated and lying and realizes at the last second what she’s just uttered)

Character Death 6: Ella

Why: Ella is a bully who has caused a lot of pain to others – she seems innocent, but she’s sewed to the wind and is about to reap the whirlwind

How: She’s lured into the woods by a boy she’s wronged, and he kills her.

Last words: It wasn’t me!

Character Death 7: Mama Lee

Why: Mama Lee never defended her children from her husband’s abuse. She refuses to admit her culpability.

How: Lured into her house she hallucinates the abuse… flying objects come down on her. Then the house collapses. (It was severely damaged in the tornado – so it was only a matter of time)

Last words: How dare you!

Character Death 8: Isa

Why: Isa admits her Sin – but not fully. She doesn’t take responsibility for her actions – she blames others.

How: She gets up the ire of a man who is looting a store and he shoots her

Last words: I didn’t do it on purpose.

Note: Gabe is with her and the man asks him if he’s got any last words. Gabe says, “Actually, I do, but I’m not going to say them now.” The man takes off.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Horror Situation Track

What I’ve learned… To create a horror emotion in the characters and the audience I need to build into my story at least 15 horror situations. I generated about 60 ideas and then selected 30 from that list, which I added to the plot. I will probably whittle down more – but at least I’ve got a lot to work with.

Act 1

Open:

Two young adults take shelter from a tornado. One utters their last words and is sucked up and away into the frenzy. The other is left behind – she opens a piece of paper with the same words typed on it – she screams.

Horror Situation: Death and screams

Reaction: Hides

Introductions:

A Day Later – the town in the aftermath of the tornado. Most of the town is decimated. Work crews clear debris. Gabe, a journalist was given this assignment because this is where he grew up. He hasn’t been back since he got an important position for a major news network over 10 years ago. He arrives to get the story. He meets up with Aaron who is the local historian and walks Gabe through the town, explaining where things were and what’s going on to help rebuild.

As they walk along, they come to a single home left standing – they talk to Mama Lee, the homeowner. Ella, a curious teen, happens along on her bike – she’s interested in Gabe and his high position at the news outlet. She wants to be a news broadcaster.

Tunney arrives. He’s a storm chaser and wants to document the aftermath.

Cassie, a paranormal blogger, also arrives. She’s especially interested in the old church – because she’s received stories of a strange typewriter that predicts peoples last words. She came to follow up on a lead she lost contact with the day prior when the storm hit.

With Cassie is Isa, a paranormal expert. They are friends. She is an old flame of Gabe. It’s an awkward reunion.

As they all mill about the wreckage of the small downtown the workers manage to uncover the basement of the collapsed church. They find a survivor – barely alive.

Warning:

They all race to her aid and call for help. They are about to go further into the debris, wondering if there are more people. She tries to stop them, she’s conflicted – but finally utters her own last words “don’t go in there, it’s a trap. You’ll all be killed. There’s no escape.” Then she dies. A piece of paper drops from her hand – typed on it are the exact words she just spoke. They are all confused.

Denial:

They all, in one way or another, shrug off the warning and the typewritten paper. Cassie hangs on to it. Isa is alarmed. They all push further into the basement to see more – some to look for survivors – others out of curiosity.

Safety taken away:

The opening that the workers removed collapses and they are trapped inside. They can communicate with the workers and know they will get them out – but they must wait for another piece of special equipment to arrive. They decide to go through the basement to see if they can find another way out. (Aaron, knowledgeable of the structure, knows about a secret tunnel). They follow Aaron… but his tunnel has collapsed – it’s a dead end.

Encounter with the Monster:

They enter an office where a typewriter sits. Tunney is the first to mess with it. It types his last words. Aaron is intrigued – he too – gets his last words. He mocks it and repeats the words out loud with no recourse. They are all trapped in the room and can’t get out. One by one – they all get words from the typewriter.

Horror Situation: Tunney will repeat the words – and so will Aaron – but nothing will happen (right away)

Reaction: Denial

Act 2

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

The room frees them, and they are no longer trapped. They go to the initial opening – and find that the workers are there, and they can get out of the basement. Everyone goes their separate ways… some a little more fearful and apprehensive than others.

Horror Situation: Taunting and Mockery: personal secrets are revealed… we learn of the characters’ misdeeds (Sins)

Reaction: Denial – no one will admit that what they’ve done is wrong.

One of us killed:

Horror Situation: Tunney hears the inexplicable voice of his hit-and-run victim

Reaction: He tries to figure out where it’s coming from – this lures him to a dangerous situation.

Horror Situation: Tunney skis with a friend – following the voice, he triggers an avalanche. He’s buried.

Reaction: He tries to escape

Tunney is killed in this adventure-seeking endeavor. Everyone goes to his funeral. His last words are revealed. Everyone is stunned.

Horror Situation: When Emma learns about Tunney’s last words, she loses control and descends into hysterics.

Reaction: The others vow to solve the mystery

Horror Situation: When Aaron learns of Tunney’s last words, he refuses to take action, claiming it’s all a coincidence.

Reaction: Denial and separation from the group

Midpoint: It seems that the Typewriter is a formidable foe – its prophesies are coming true. Everyone is now frightened. Who will be next?

Horror Situation: Isa has a Haunting Hallucination that terrifies her psyche.

Reaction: She hides

Horror Situation: Cassie has a gruesome nightmare, orchestrated by the monster, which leaves her fearful and distressed.

Reaction: She hides

Horror Situation Gabe tries to partner with Callie to solve the mystery – but Callie is concealing her own dark agenda.

Reaction: He decides to give up (hides)

Horror Situation: Gabe sees someone in a library typing on their computer and notices the words they type are their own “Last words”

Reaction: He is back in – and wants to try to solve the mystery. He convinces Isa to go with him back to the typewriter.

Horror situation: Isa – Possession: The character becomes briefly possessed by the typewriter’s entity, gaining insights into its true identity, but their experiences are unique and isolated.

Reaction: They both try to solve and decide to go to Aaron for help

Horror situation: Isa sees her last words written on a billboard. (foreboding premonition)

Reaction: Escape – Isa tries to run away, but Gabe stops her

Horror Situation: Aaron finds an old journal or diary, which uncovers information about the typewriter’s true identity, but no one else believes the journal’s contents because it contradicts Isa’s vision

Reaction: Try to solve it – the three vow to work together despite their disagreement

Horror Situation: Aaron is confronted by his misdeeds – but refuses to accept responsibility. He is attacked by his accuser.

Reaction: Aaron escapes

Horror Situation: Aaron begins to feed Gabe false information to lead Gabe away from the truth

Reaction: Gabe fights with Aaron

Horror Situation: Isa confides in Cassie about what she saw in her vision – that the typewriter is chastising each of them for their Sins. Cassie pleads innocence and becomes hysterical.

Reaction: Isa assures her she will try to solve the mystery

Horror Situation: Cassie sees their last words on a TV or computer or smartphone. (foreboding premonition)

Reaction: Cassie isolates herself and goes into hiding.

Horror Situation: Isa goes to check in on Ella who has stopped talking all-together

Reaction: Isa tells Ella she will try to solve it. She gives Ella courage.

Horror Situation: Ella receives a mysterious message that lures her away from the group, believing it holds clues to the typewriter’s mystery.

Reaction: Ella is placed in a dangerous situation and escapes.

Full pursuit by the killer:

One by one, each character utters their last word and then dies.

Horror Situation: Mama Lee is convinced that one of the group members has a hidden agenda and is working against their best interests, fueling her paranoia.

Reaction: Mama Lee Hides away in her home.

Horror Situation: Aaron decides to explore the Hidden Tunnels he’s familiar with – as he seeks on his own to solve the mystery. A tunnel caves in, blocking the way out. He is relentlessly pursued by malevolent forces, navigating the claustrophobic passages in an attempt to escape.

Reaction: Tries to escape but can’t. Turns to Fight, but nothing is there.

Horror Situation: Cassie comes out of hiding and is drawn into a seemingly safe space, only to discover it’s a trap set by a malevolent force.

Reaction: Tries to Fight and loses

Horror Situation: Ella, while riding her bike, has an encounter with someone she wronged. That person attacks her.

Reaction: Ella fights – but is killed.

Terrorized:

Gabe, Isa, and Mama Lee are the only ones left. They try to figure out the connection and the mystery behind the typewriter. Finally, they realize the sin that connects them all – that each of them has lied to the detriment of another in order to promote themselves or gain money.

Mama Lee refuses to admit her guilt and she, too, utters her last words and perishes.

Horror Situation: Mama Lee thinks she hears her children’s voices coming from her home. She rushes to them but then the voices turn sinister. She is chased into the attic where she witnesses the abuse of her husband towards her own children. She’s trapped and can’t get out. Significant objects in the attic are thrown at her and then the house begins to collapse.

Reaction: She fights but can’t escape

The thrilling escape from death:

Gabe and Isa go after the typewriter to destroy it. Both must come clean on their lies…

Horror Situation: Gabe & Isa descend into the mysterious basement. They become separated by a strange fog and become isolated.

Reaction: Fight to reunite

Horror situation: Isa touches the typewriter and becomes shackled to it, unable to break free.

Reaction: She screams for Gabe / they escape.

They both admit to each other their SIN.

Gabe admits his Sin and his cowardice – that he hates his job, that he’s afraid to try to be anything else. The words on his paper disappear. A blinding, unnatural light engulfs him – leaving him blind/disoriented.

Isa admits her culpability in their relationship. They are released from the room and flee.

Death returns to take one more:

Isa has not told the complete truth. She utters her last words.

Horror Situation: Isa’s last words – she thinks she’s safe – she is at a historical site and reads a placard – she doesn’t realize her last words are final words written on the placard. Her doom arrives.

Reaction: Denial

Horror Situation: Gabe witnesses the death of Isa

Reaction: Goes back to destroy the typewriter

Resolution:

Gabe destroys the typewriter, but it reappears as an app (or something similar).

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Horror Plot

What I learned doing this assignment is… certain beats and specific components must be included in the plot of a horror script. In order to avoid plot holes and other potential problems, it’s important to build and layer the different tracks of the story.

Act 1

Open:

Two young adults take shelter from a tornado. One utters their last words and is sucked up and away into the frenzy. The other is left behind – she opens a piece of paper with the same words typed on it – she screams.

Introductions:

A Day Later – the town in the aftermath of the tornado. Most of the town is decimated. Work crews clear debris. Gabe, a journalist was given this assignment because this is where he grew up. He hasn’t been back since he got an important position for a major news network over 10 years ago. He arrives to get the story. He meets up with Aaron who is the local historian and walks Gabe through the town, explaining where things were and what’s going on to help rebuild.

As they walk along, they come to a single home left standing – they talk to Mama Lee, the homeowner. Ella, a curious teen, happens along on her bike – she’s interested in Gabe and his high position at the news outlet. She wants to be a news broadcaster.

Tunney arrives. He’s a storm chaser and wants to document the aftermath.

Cassie, a paranormal blogger, also arrives. She’s especially interested in the old church – because she’s received stories of a strange typewriter that predicts people’s last words. She came to follow up on a lead she lost contact with last week when the storm hit.

With Cassie is Isa, a paranormal expert. They are friends. She is an old flame of Gabe. It’s an awkward reunion.

As they all mill about the wreckage of the small downtown the workers manage to uncover the basement of the collapsed church. They find a survivor – barely alive.

Warning:

They all race to her aid and call for help. They are about to go further into the debris, wondering if there are more people. She tries to stop them, she’s conflicted – but finally utters her own last words “don’t go in there, it’s a trap. You’ll all be killed. There’s no escape.” Then she dies. A piece of paper drops from her hand – typed on it are the exact words she just spoke. They are all confused.

Denial:

They all, in one way or another, shrug off the warning and the typewritten paper. Cassie hangs on to it. Isa is alarmed. They all push further into the basement to see more – some to look for survivors – others out of curiosity.

Safety taken away:

The opening that the workers removed collapses and they are trapped inside. They can communicate with the workers and know they will get them out – but they must wait for another piece of special equipment to arrive. They decide to go through the basement to see if they can find another way out. (Aaron, knowledgeable of the structure, knows about a secret tunnel). They follow Aaron… but his tunnel has collapsed – it’s a dead end.

Encounter with the Monster:

They enter an office where a typewriter sits. Tunney is the first to mess with it. It types his last words. Aaron is intrigued – he too – gets his last words. He mocks it and repeats the words out loud with no recourse. They are all trapped in the room and can’t get out. One by one – they all get words from the typewriter.

Act 2

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

The room frees them, and they are no longer trapped. They go to the initial opening – and find that the workers are there, and they can get out of the basement. Everyone goes their separate ways… some are a little more fearful and apprehensive than others.

One of us killed:

Tunney is killed in some sort of adventure-seeking endeavor. Everyone goes to his funeral. His last words are revealed. Everyone is stunned.

Midpoint: It seems that the Typewriter is a formidable foe – its prophesies are coming true. Everyone is now frightened. Who will be next?

Full pursuit by the killer:

One by one, each character utters their last word and then dies.

Terrorized:

Gabe, Isa, and Mama Lee are the only ones left. They try to figure out the connection and the mystery behind the typewriter. Finally, they realize the sin that connects them all – that each of them has lied to the detriment of another in order to promote themselves or gain money. Mama Lee refuses to admit her guilt and she, too, utters her last words and perishes.

The thrilling escape from death:

Gabe and Isa go after the typewriter to destroy it. Both must come clean on their lies…

Gabe admits his cowardice – that he hates his job, that he’s afraid to try to be anything else. The words on his paper disappear.

Death returns to take one more:

but Isa holds back. She utters her last words.

Resolution:

Gabe destroys the typewriter, but it reappears as an app (or something similar).

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Characters for Horror

What I learned: There are specific rules we can use to shape our survivors and victims. They represent the different ways a person might respond to real horror, and they must always match the concept.

Concept: A cursed typewriter writes the last words of the living before they perish.

Group: SINNERS: Approximately 8 people who are strangers. They are all prideful people who have lied to either promote themselves or to gain wealth. To escape they must face their falsehoods and admit their guilt, or they will die.

DYING PATTERN: Put 6 to 8 characters together and kill them off one by one.

The Potential Characters:

Gabriel (Leader/Protagonist):

Role: Investigative Journalist

Story Role: Gabriel reluctantly leads the group in uncovering the typewriter’s mystery and surviving its curse. He hates journalism and only does it for the money. He really wants to write books, but he’s too fearful to make the change and try.

Isa” (Love Interest):

Role: Paranormal Expert

Story Role: Isa assists the group with her knowledge of the supernatural, – she has a past romantic connection to Gabriel – but they haven’t seen each other in years. This “horror” brings them together again. Gabriel is hurt by Isa’s past disloyalty and lies that ended their relationship.

Ella (seemingly Innocent):

Role: Curious Teenager

Story Role: Ella’s youthful curiosity leads to her involvement with the group. She secretly cyber-bullies and spreads lies to hurt others and make herself more important.

Aaron (Rebel / Rule Breaker):

Role: Local Historian

Story Role: Aaron’s determination to uncover the typewriter’s secrets and disregard for warnings challenge the group’s choices. The local history book he’s published skews facts and paints prominent people in a bad light. He misinforms about the origins of the typewriter and leads them in the wrong direction.

Mamma Lee (Complainer):

Role: Paranormal Skeptic

Story Role: Lena’s skepticism creates friction in the group, but her presence adds a sense of normalcy. She has alienated her children because she refuses to acknowledge the abuse of her husband – and how he hurt his own kids.

Tunney (Out of Control / Obnoxious):

Role: Thrill-Seeking Adventurer

Story Role: Tunney’s reckless behavior adds tension and risks to the group’s predicament. He killed someone in a hit-and-run and never owned up to face the consequences.

Cassie (Red Herring):

Role: Paranormal Blogger

Story Role: Cassandra’s misdirection and misleading theories divert the group’s focus from the true source of horror. She misleads her audience with false/sensational stories to make more money.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Terrifying Monster

What I learned: There are certain and specific rules that govern the building of a monster. When you put all of the elements together, you create a complete character that is terrifying.

1. Tell us what or who your monster is.

The monster is a haunted typewriter that types out the last words its victim will speak.

2. Give us a few sentences for each of the following for your monster:

Their Terror:

It fills people with dread by giving the victim the last words they will speak before they die… implying their death will be soon – yet they don’t know when or why or by what means.

It often targets its victims when they are alone or in a state of emotional distress.

The typewriter spirit can manipulate the environment around its victims. It can cause doors to lock, phones to malfunction, and windows to become unbreakable.

Their Mystery:

What is the origin of the typewriter? How does it know what the victim’s last words will be? How can it see into the future? Or does it make them say the words? The typewriter selects its victims for a reason. The Characters must discover the common thread to outwit the typewriter’s sinister intentions.

Their Fear-Provoking Appearance:

The typewriter is an ordinary typewriter and is a type of MASK for the person/being/entity behind it – controlling it.

However, The typewriter begins typing on its own, without any human interaction.

When the typewriter is active, the room fills with eerie and unnatural sounds, such as whispers, distant cries, or dissonant music.

After the typewriter delivers its cryptic messages, they disappear from the paper within a short period. This makes it difficult for victims to prove their claims to others, leading to isolation and a growing sense of helplessness.

The typewriter causes reality to warp around it. Victims experience time lapses, sudden changes in their surroundings, and distorted perceptions of space and time, making them question their sanity.

Their Rules:

The typewriter monster’s predictions of death are always accurate. The words it types are literally the last words the victim speaks before they die.

It targets prideful people who lie to promote themselves or to gain wealth.

It forces the person to either humble themselves and tell the truth or die in their lie.

Their Mythology:

Origin and History:

The typewriter was created by a reclusive and eccentric writer (with a tragic backstory involving the loss of a loved one) who dabbled in dark rituals and the occult.

The typewriter’s creation involved a forbidden pact with a spirit, binding it to the machine. This spirit’s influence is the source of its haunting power.

A Hidden Agenda:

The typewriter has a purpose beyond mere prophecy. It’s collecting souls for the spirit.

Consequences of Destruction:

Destroying the typewriter may prove to be a monumental task, as it can reappear in a different form, ensuring that its dark power endures.

Characters may need to find a way to sever the spirit’s connection to the typewriter permanently.

[Deb Johnson]

“Get Out” Horror Conventions

What I learned doing this assignment is that the horror conventions are so interesting. I’m so glad I can go on this journey and learn how to build a professional quality horror script. It’s going to be fun.

Title: Get Out

Concept: A young black man visits his white girlfriend’s parents’ home for the weekend. He’s uneasy about their acceptance of him – but that’s nothing compared to what’s in store.

Terrorize The Characters:

Chris is hypnotized and at the mercy of a family that wants to take his brain and use his body as an avatar for another man.

Isolation:

The house is a long drive, remote, and the nearest neighbor is across a lake. They tamper with his phone, so his battery dies.

Death:

There are three other people who have already been lobotomized. Their behavior is strange/bizarre.

Monster/Villain:

A psychotic family. His girlfriend lures him in. The brother is menacing and aggressive. The mother who is a psychiatrist hypnotizes him. The father is a neurosurgeon who is going to steal his body. Also, the grandma and grandpa have taken over two other bodies.

High Tension:

Gradually we learn, with Chris, about these strange people. At first, it seems somewhat normal but there is always something a little off. When he’s hypnotized, our anxiety grows. Finally, when his girlfriend turns on him, we know he’s doomed. From then on, it’s high tension and anxiety till he finds a way to escape.

Departure from Reality:

There’s no way in the world that someone could transport a brain into another body and have that person’s consciousness go along with it. But that’s the “fun” of the movie – the suspension of disbelief that something like this could happen.

Moral Statement:

While it is about racism – I think it’s also about a black man giving up on his “blackness” and becoming “white.” This is the horror that the filmmaker is warning about.

3. Anything else you’d like to say about what made this movie a great horror film?

From the very beginning, I was on the “edge of my seat.” My heart rate was elevated, and I had a sense of dread throughout. I identified with Chris and I wanted him to “get out.”

There was a brilliant setup (the first scene) that paid off at the end… the abduction of the first black man who was lost and looking for someone in a suburban neighborhood… the white car – and the strange helmet/masked man. We find out at the very end – that this is the brother’s helmet/mask.

I also liked how we are led to believe that the girlfriend, for the most part, is on Chris’ side… and when she ‘can’t find the keys’ – it’s a horrible reveal that she’s in on it. (Even when we see her in pictures with other black men, we think that maybe she’s at the mercy of her mother’s hypnosis and doesn’t realize what’s going on.)

There isn’t a ton of gore (my kind of movie). But the horror of the situation carries the fear and dread throughout. The gradual understanding of the situation was very good.

Here is my fill-in with my Horror Concept/Conventions:

Monster/Villain: A cursed typewriter

The Interesting Terror: Fear of Not Being Remembered.

Isolated/Horrific environment: the basement of an abandoned church

People to be terrorized: people who distort the truth for shameful gain.

Title: Last Words

Concept: A cursed typewriter writes the last words of the living before they perish.

Terrorize The Characters:

An old-fashioned typewriter is discovered and mysteriously types words that are later spoken by the victim before their death. The people at first don’t believe it, usually, the words are obscure but are astounded when the prophesy comes true.

Isolation: An old church is excavated from the ruins of a remote small-town devastated by a tornado. Victims are lured into its basement and can’t get out till the typewriter has written their doom. No matter how far they go after that – the prophecy must come true.

Death: Their deaths are imminent but not immediate. They are all different – some seem as if they are an accident – others could be murders or in self-defense. They will all be different – but all victims will utter whatever words were predicted.

Monster/Villain: A mysterious spirit that inhabits the typewriter and doles out justice.

High Tension: Gradually we learn the truth about the deadly typewriter and the people who succumb to it… there is dread and suspense that follows the victims. We wonder how our “hero” will escape the inevitable.

Departure from Reality: There’s no way a typewriter can predict the last words of its victim – let alone type by itself… so there is a realm of the supernatural involved.

Moral Statement: A stand against gossip and twisting the truth for monetary gain. It’s shameful to lie – especially about others – to make yourself important or to gain wealth.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Johnson:

I agree to the terms of this release form:

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Deb Johnson]

I’m Deb Johnson… late to the game, but going to participate in the forums… I think I may be the only one here.

I’ve written about seven scripts.

I hope to learn how to write a horror script!

What’s interesting about me is that I don’t particularly like the horror genre as I am easily scared and can’t sleep at night if I watch a scary movie or read a scary book. However, I think it’s a worthwhile endeavor and I do like the few movies I’ve seen by Jordan Peele… so I’ll probably write towards something like that.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Marketing Plan

What I learned doing this assignment is that I have the tools and strategies to work effectively with producers. I have a clear plan moving forward and it’s up to me to create these opportunities for myself.

Here’s my letter:

Subject line: Consider this for your next Drama

Hi (producer name),

I see that you’ve had success with your Drama (name of movie).

I specialize in Dramas and am available to do writing assignments. I can rewrite a screenplay, adapt a book, or work to develop any ideas you are generating.

The quality of my work is in my writing sample, which I would be happy to send your way.

I have a BA in Film/Video from Columbia College, Chicago.

Let me know how I can be of assistance.

Name, Phone, Email, LinkedIn Profile

Here’s my plan:

1. Complete my LinkedIn profile with a professional photo.

2. I have compiled a list of about 250 producers through IMDBPro who have made low-budget dramas and might be interested in my query letter. I will send out my query letter via email and ask if they would be interested in my concept.

3. I will follow up with any producer that replies to my query (either positive or negative) and let them know that I’m available for writing assignments. I will also request to connect with them on LinkedIn.

4. I will make those connections on LinkedIn and continue to build my network.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Plan for Increasing Perceived Value

What I learned doing this assignment is… building credibility is a process and doesn’t happen overnight. I am in control of increasing my perceived value.

1. I specialize in Dramas by writing dynamic, relatable characters who are challenged by emotionally charged situations. My stories are profound and heartwarming.

2. How many producers do you have in your LinkedIn Network? 0

3. My plan to increase my perceived value:

A. Today: I’m currently viewing/studying the top 10 highest-grossing drama movies, so I understand how and why they work.

B. In the next 30 days:

· I have a professional photo shoot scheduled in two weeks and once I get my picture up on LinkedIn, I’ll begin to make “first” connections with writers and “second” connections with producers.

· I’m currently putting together a list of 300 producers (through IMDBPro) so I can market my script. Once the list is complete, I will query via email.

C. In the next 6 months: I will let the producers I am able to connect with know that I am available for writing assignments and try to connect with them on LinkedIn. My goal is to have connections with at least 30 producers.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb is a Note Taking Professional!

What I learned is that a script, any script, can be rewritten a hundred different ways and as a writer, I must be prepared to make the necessary changes to get the movie made. I must be a collaborator with the producer; be open and assume that there will be changes to the script.

Note: I was going to go the easy route and make changes to the treatment I’m developing, but it’s not my high-budget script. It was difficult, at first, to re-think my “absolutely perfect” completed screenplay – but it was well worth the effort. I see now how important it is to be able to do this assignment.

Logline: A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

Cut the budget in half:

My budget is probably around 5 million. To bring it down to 2.5:

I would change the opening at a TV studio to a podcast interview. I would remove the bustling patrons at the art studio and have all the scenes take place before the art show opens (this would also reduce the script by about 10 pages). The same apartment could be used for two of the stories. I would eliminate the arrival of the police, fire, and ambulance. I would change the orchestra to a quartet. The Chick-fil-A location would be changed to a local diner. I would eliminate the background characters at Urgent Care – so there are only three people involved. The Salvation Army sequence could be reduced to just two characters (eliminating another page). The cemetery scene would just be a headstone (not an open grave).

Write it for a different audience (quadrant).

Currently, it’s written for women over 25, which focuses on two women trying to help a teenage girl. To make it for males under 25, I would focus more on the relationship that the teenage girl develops with the young man in the story – taking this “B” story, bringing it to the front, and making him the agent of change in her life.

Double the conflict.

The current story follows the plastic bag to eight different characters and their stories. In the frame story, I would make Delia much more aggressive, instead of fighting verbally, she would fight physically. In Story 1, after the bag is cursed, one of the girls will lose her job. In Story 2, while Billy and Pammy are trying to resuscitate their baby, their neighbor Becky will come by to ask for money. In Story 3, when Bailey and Bram almost get in a car wreck, they will get a flat tire and they will argue over how to fix it. In Story 4, while the kids play “capture the bag,” little Kit will get lost. In Story 5, at the urgent care, the person in the next curtain will be dying. In Story 6, at the heist, Allen and Dennis will have to evade a custodian they didn’t account for. In story 7, when she returns to her apartment, Becky’s water will break. In story 8, at the party, Bailey further insults her father by telling him she’s moving out.

Change the sex and age of the lead character:

The lead character of Delia, a troubled 16-year-old who was abandoned by her father is now, Finn, an angry 12-year-old who was abandoned by his father. He’s addicted to his phone and all he wants to do is play video games.

Change the genre:

This is a Drama but could be made as a comedy. The same amount of tragedy would be invoked, but it would be harmless. There is plenty of room to make each story have its share of toppers, running gags, physical and prop humor.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Decreased Budget

What I learned doing this assignment is that cutting these things wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. While it isn’t ideal, the cuts to the budget are doable and the story still delivers.

(Main Variable) Expensive locations (Plus) Rights to brands:

A scene that takes place on the set of “The Drew Barrymore” TV show, could be the set of generic morning show that imitates the grandeur, without the star.

A scene takes place in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. This could be substituted for a local, generic restaurant that is deemed popular.

A scene requires a small casket to be lowered into a grave. The same scene could take place with two mourners at the headstone.

Number of characters:

One character could be eliminated from a scene that requires an “assistant” to the “evil landlord.” The evil landlord could carry the scene by himself.

Crowd scenes:

A scene requires a full orchestra. This could be reduced to a quartet.

A scene takes place on a bustling city street – however, the street could be empty, and the scene would still be a success.

Helicopters, aircraft, drone shots:

There is a scene that follows a car as it drives through the city, however, the entire scene could be shot in the interior of the car.

Altering a scene with a “high budget variable”:

There is a scene at the end that reveals a car accident that made someone a paraplegic (a child crashing through the front windshield in slow motion).

The dramatic goal is simply to show the truth behind a formerly altered version of the story and could be accomplished simply by showing the people in the car, then the oncoming truck, and then a cutaway with sound effects.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Johnson’s Rewrite of Denise Nelson’s Treatment

What I learned doing this assignment… The phone call with “the producer” was very encouraging and gave me the confidence to know that I could work with a producer on a paid writing assignment. It was a lot of fun being “the producer,” going over the treatment and looking for ways to elevate it. Re-writing my partner’s treatment, as “the Writer” was also a fun experience. It’s not just wordsmithing but trying to get to the heart of the story and ensuring it’s a good read, complete with escalating action, character development, and turning points.

Title: SweeTart

Genre: Drama/Coming of Age

Concept: A privileged, teen sophisticate is sent to vacation with her wealthy Grandma through Europe only to realize that her wild, juvenile delinquent cousin also received an invitation.

Sweet Bennington (16) is artsy and rowdy with a wild streak that gets her into trouble. Her father, Harvey, just bailed her out of jail for shoplifting and he doesn’t know what to do with her. Andrew, Harvey’s rich brother, has his own problems with his daughter, Tart Bennington (16). Tart, spoiled and arrogant is very proper, but also just plain dull.

Enter the delightful, inspirational, and loving presence of Grandma Gwenth Bennington (65), who proposes to take the girls together on a European tour.

Sweet is delighted and is anxious to go. While her family isn’t poor, they certainly don’t have the means to afford such a luxurious trip. Tart, receiving the invitation poolside, on the other hand, could care less. She’d rather spend time with her friends. Yet, she loves her grandmother, and, persuaded by her father, she reluctantly agrees to go.

She doesn’t realize her arch-enemy, Sweet, will also be her traveling companion.

When the cousins meet up in London, it isn’t a happy reunion. Tart feels she’s been tricked and tries to book a ticket back home. Sweet and Tart fight. Grandma Gwenth breaks it up and quells the dissent with a plea for unity and, winking, tells them she won’t be around much longer. Both girls love their grandma. For her sake, Tart agrees to suck it up and go on the journey.

Unfortunately for Tart, she must share a room with Sweet.

It’s a rocky first night at the London hotel. The girls fight with words and with pillows. Tart criticizes Sweet’s lack of fashion. Sweet accuses Tart of being ordinary and matronly. Their words cut each other deeply. Dinner is one long awkward silence… punctuated by Sweets slurping of her soup and Tarts disgust of her in general.

There is a war brewing.

While they wait for dinner to be served, Tart and Grandma go to the terrace. Meanwhile, Sweet sends Tart’s meal back to the kitchen. Grandma and Sweet enjoy their meal and Tart realizes she’s been played by Sweet. Tart was going to grit her teeth just to get by, but this means war. After they attend the opera, a second fight occurs back in their room, and they throw things at one another.

The next day they all go shopping and Tart throws away Sweet’s clothes while she’s in the dressing room. Sweet is forced to wear an outfit she doesn’t like. More pranks are pulled as they reach the train to Germany where they must take separate cars.

Grandma Gwenth, and maybe the rest of the universe, has had enough.

Sweet and Tart fight in the bathroom and miss their train. All their belongings, including their phones, are on Grandma’s train. The girls are left behind at the train station with nothing but the clothes on their back.

Sweet and Tart refuse to work together and go their separate ways. Tart tries to get by on her looks (and maybe her limited French) with no luck. Sweet tries to steal a phone and manages to escape arrest. Worst of all, their attempts to reach their fathers for help fail.

The girls are totally and utterly alone.

They accidentally run into one another in a park and decide to join forces. As they return to their hotel to devise a plan, they realize they are being trailed by a Strange Man. Sweet, who is street-savvy, manages to lose him. Tart is grateful, and for the first time, sees her cousin in a different light.

Sweet opens up to Tart about her struggles (shoplifting and theft) and admits she doesn’t want to break the law, but she’s driven by excitement and daring. Tart encourages her to channel that energy into something positive.

Tart finally convinces Sweet to follow her lead and do something honest and forthright instead of trying to cheat someone. The results are positive. At the hotel, they meet two brothers who offer them a place to stay. It seems their luck has changed. In the room, there is music and dancing. Both Sweet and Tart can’t believe they are enjoying each other. Until…

These boys have girlfriends… and when they show up it gets ugly. One of the girl’s father’s owns the hotel and both Sweet and Tart are kicked out. Back on the street… they need a new plan.

Cold, tired, and hungry, Sweet and Tart have their first heart-to-heart talk. It’s revealed why they have so much animosity towards one another (a family trouble many years ago.) They both admit their culpability and reconcile. But danger seems to lurk at every corner…

The Strange Man reappears but there is no way to escape.

It turns out that this Strange Man is a confidant and agent of Grandma Gwenth. He connects them with a phone, money, and a train ticket to reunite with Grandma.

As they prepare for their journey back, Sweet selflessly offers Tart the better of something. Tart reflects on Sweet and her grandmother’s kindness and humility and wishes she could be more like this. This moment of self-reflection helps her realize that she hasn’t been the best version of herself.

Tart apologizes to Sweet and makes amends. Sweet allows Tart to pick out a new outfit for her to wear.

It is a joyous reunion with Grandma. Both of their fathers are also there. It is revealed that Grandma did have her hand in their separation and she’s glad to see the results. The family is happily reunited.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Fantastic Treatment

What I learned… It’s a fun exercise to make a story happen in this short space. Working with the 3 Act outline was helpful to stay focused on the key points of the story. While this needs work, it was a great way to get started and I will use this technique for every script going forward.

Title: Eight Wheels a Go Go

Genre: Drama/Coming of Age

Logline: It’s 1983 and a gangly teenage boy wants to Couples Skate with the most popular girl in his school but must overcome his angst, shyness, and other rivals to win her hand.

Busses exit a school parking lot. Miles,13, his t-shirt sopping wet, races out the school door and sprints to the last bus. He chases it down. The driver is suspicious, but Miles assures him he’s a student at the school… then produces his permission slip for the trip. Miles boards and sits next to his best friend, Eric about halfway down the aisle. The bus pulls away.

Miles tells Eric he accidentally got locked in a bathroom stall and he had to crawl under to get out – and his shirt got dirty – so he washed it in the sink – and didn’t realize how late it was. As Eric and Miles talk, the pecking order of students is revealed. In the back are the cool kids with Arlo, 16, the king of the school. He’s preppy, good-looking, and cocky as hell. Everyone loves him. Nearby sits Stella, 15, the most popular girl. The boys tease and talk trash and the girls talk fashion. Stella wears tight-fitting Jordache jeans. Some of the other girls wear the same, while others have similar knockoffs.

Miles eyes and admires Stella. He tells Eric that he’s going to ask Stella to Couples Skate and Eric promptly tries to talk him out of it – giving him all the reasons why he shouldn’t and tells Miles he’ll humiliate himself. Miles isn’t daunted. When Eric challenges Miles to just say something to her right then and there, Miles turns and catches her eye. He thinks she’s talking to him, but she’s actually talking to someone behind him. Embarrassed he slumps in his seat – but she is none the wiser. Eric laughs and proves his point.

They arrive at the skating rink, and all get their skates from Josh, the arrogant skate pro. Eric has no problem with his skates, but Miles’s skates are too small. Eric encourages him to go back and get skates that fit… so he does. Josh then gives him skates that are too big for him. He is annoyed because there are others, like him, who also have problems with their skates and there is a long line with a bunch of little kids. Miles is pissed because everyone is out having a good time but him. He must be assertive with Josh and demands he give him the right skates, which he finally does.

On the rink, Miles catches up with Eric and they follow behind Stella and her gaggle of friends. Miles reasserts that he’s going to Couples Skate with Stella and Eric dares him to skate ahead and say hi to her… because she doesn’t even know that Miles exists. Miles skates up to her as fast as he can and says hi, then slips and has a tremendous fall and slams into the rink wall. Stella’s entourage laughs, but Stella is concerned and stops to make sure Miles is okay, which he is. When Stella goes on her way, Eric tells Miles that this was an epic fail. Miles disagrees and says, “Now she knows who I am!”

Miles and Eric visit the concession stand and talk to Reggie, the silly concession guy… who discourages the boys from eating the hot dogs – but Eric eats one anyway. Reggie is a smooth-talking comedian who’s also quite clumsy. He razzes the boys about the upcoming couples only skate – and do they have their ladies picked out. Miles confides in Reggie about Stella and Reggie enthusiastically gives him some very bizarre advice on how to win her hand… including some corny pick-up lines and silly compliments. Reggie reverently gives him a lucky rabbit’s foot and tells him it will help him. Then he encourages Miles to start a food fight – explaining that he could offer to help Stella clean up the mess – and that Miles could casually brush the popcorn out of her hair… which would be very sexy. Miles listens attentively and even takes notes, but Eric argues about how ridiculous it all is.

After Eric eats a hot dog – he promptly needs to go to the bathroom. Miles skates around by himself and notices Mr. Blugburn, the Woodshop teacher, and one of their chaperones for the day – having trouble with the “claw” machine. Miles goes to help. As they dislodge the prize, Miles asks Mr. Blugburn for advice on winning over the ladies. Mr. Blugburn is jaded and unhelpful – he discourages Miles from even looking at women – and encourages him to treat the girl in a mean way – because women are horrible, and they break your heart.

It’s time for the first Couples Only skate. The disco ball spins. Miles is caught off guard and he scrambles to find Stella. He is about to approach her but hesitates. His heart sinks when Arlo takes her hand and leads her out onto the rink. Sadly, he watches them go round. Eric finally emerges from the bathroom, cursing the hot dog, and tries to offer some comfort. Reggie tries to proffer more ridiculous advice and Mr. Blumberg gives him an “I told you so.” Miles reminds everyone that he’s got one more chance because there’s always two Couples Only events – and that he’ll get Stella yet. Eric tells him he’ll need a miracle.

When the lights come back up, it’s time to play Lucky Star. Everyone skates and when the music stops, skaters stop on the numbered stars on the floor. The DJ calls out a star, like Bingo, and the winner gets a prize. Miles gets his miracle when he wins not once, but twice. He becomes the center of attention, and the DJ makes a big deal out of it. The first prize is a free frozen Coke. The second is a free hot dog.

Miles casually gives the free frozen Coke ticket to Stella who happily accepts. This immediately draws the ire of Arlo who is jealous and suspicious. Arlo and his best friend, Rick corner Miles at one of the video games and question him. Miles pleads innocence… that Stella just happened to be standing there and he didn’t want the frozen coke anyway. Rick doesn’t buy it and insists that no one just gives away a free frozen Coke… No One. He tells Miles he’s going to keep his eye on him. During this conversation, Rick steals the free hot dog ticket from Miles.

It’s time for the skate races. They start with the little kids and move up to the older ones. Arlo is sure to win but Miles gives him a good run. They are neck and neck, but at the last second, Rick comes up from behind and trips up Miles. Arlo wins. Miles has twisted his ankle. Josh, the skate pro, could clearly see the injustice of the race and when Miles asks him for help, he gives it. He helps tape up his ankle so he can keep skating. Surprisingly, Josh talks about passion and “going for it.”

Miles regroups with Eric and admits he’s out of his league. Meanwhile, Mr. Blugburn, in the earshot of Stella, bad-mouths Miles. Reggie lets it slip in earshot of Arlo that Miles wants to Couples Skate with Stella. Rick tries to redeem the free hot dog ticket, but Arlo takes it from him and gets the hot dog for himself. Time is winding down and the DJ announces the last Couples Only is coming up.

Miles goes to the bathroom to check his hair and is followed by Arlo, Rick, and some other big boys. They trap Miles in a stall. Arlo and the others hold the door, but soon, the hot dog “kicks in” and he must go to the bathroom. Arlo takes the next stall and stinks up the place so badly that his friends can’t stand it. They exit the bathroom, freeing Miles.

Miles races to find Stella as the Couples Skate is announced. She’s about to take her skates off but Josh holds her up while Eric starts a food fight in the concessions area. Mr. Blugburn tries to break it up when Miles arrives. Mr. Blugburn trips Miles, aggravating his ankle. Somehow, he manages to slide heroically in front of Stella and asks her to skate. She says yes. He brushes the popcorn out of her hair and they take the floor.

The lights dim, the disco ball spins and they skate round and round, hand in hand. Arlo emerges from the bathroom, gripping his stomach, and is about to take the floor, but gets hit in the head with a random flying frozen Coke. He’s a mess.

It’s time to go. Miles says goodbye and thanks to Josh the skate pro and Reggie the concessions guy. He tries to return Reggie’s rabbit’s foot, but Reggie insists he keep it (shows him a drawer full of rabbit’s foot prizes). They all get back on the bus, in their respective seats, and depart the roller rink. Stella moves from her spot and squeezes in with Eric and Miles. They are now friends.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Synopsis for Producer Interview

Title: TBD The Roller Rink Movie

Genre: Drama

Note: this is an ultra low-budget, contained feature film.

Logline: A gangly teenage boy wants to couples skate with the most popular girl in his school but must overcome his angst, shyness, and other rivals to win her hand.

Synopsis:

It’s not that Miles (13) is unpopular, it’s that nobody really knows he exists. But this shy kid is full of wonder, passion, and excitement for life.

It’s Detroit in the late ’70s and his ultra-conservative Christian school does not allow dances. Instead, they host an annual fall trip to the local roller rink.

By the time the bus arrives at the Roller Dome, it’s clear who’s who in the pecking order, with Stella being the most popular girl in the school… and Miles has a huge crush on her.

As the kids skate in circles, Miles devises a plan to get Stella to skate with him. He confides in his best friend, Eric, who’s supportive but skeptical. He seeks advice from a jaded teacher, a silly concession stand clerk, and an arrogant skate pro. All the advice is conflicting.

It’s time for the first couples skate and disco ball spins. The most popular boy, Arlo, has beaten him to the punch and he watches them go round and round.

He redoubles his efforts and gains some momentum when he not only wins the “Lucky Star” contest but also manages to beat Arlo in the skating race.

Arlo causes him a major embarrassment and it takes his friends’ encouragement to regain his confidence.

Finally, the last couples skate is announced, and Milo is ready. He takes Stella out onto the floor for the most glorious time of his life.

If you are interested in pairing up – please email me, ddomm1130@hotmail.com and we can exchange phone numbers and set up a time to talk.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Producer Interview Experience

What I learned: It’s important (vital) to make sure you understand the producer’s vision when you take on a writing assignment. When you ask clarifying questions it not only helps you do your job but also ensures you are giving the producer exactly what they want.

My experience as the Producer:

It was exciting and challenging to put my ideas out there and answer questions about my script idea that I didn’t have fully formed in my head. I can see how a producer has difficulty fleshing everything out and that they need a writer to ask the right questions and encourage them to gain clarity on their vision.

My experience as the Writer:

Hal’s questions were very helpful as I presented them to the Producer to gain their vision. It was fun to see the Producers story come to life as we discussed it. The exchange of ideas and the clarity I received from the producer was a positive experience. I think the real challenge is to make sure you are writing what the producer wants – and not what I think would be good for the project.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s DRAMA Writing Sample Plan

Note: If you want to exchange feedback – you can reply to this post or send me an email ddomm1130@hotmail.com – and I will read your work as well.

Set up: Torrie Hartman’s art exhibit is a series of art pieces that follow a plastic bag as it passes from one owner to another. The artwork comes alive as Torrie tells each story. The Plastic Bag has just been cursed by a Wiccan teenager who works at Big Daddy’s Pizza. Someone just picked up the carry-out…

FADE IN:

SUPER IMPOSE: “Carry Out”

INT. BILLY AND PAMMY’S APARTMENT KITCHEN – NIGHT

Everything is old, bangy and has a 70’s vibe except for the 8″ touchscreen ALEXA on the counter that PLAYS CLASSIC ROCK.

PAMMY WOODS, 25, has long hair bunched up and wears mismatched PJ’s. A glass of wine in hand, she reaches into a cupboard for a box of cereal. A cat weaves between her legs.

On the floor, with a pot on her head, is MISSY WOODS, 11 mo. Surrounded by plasticware, she bangs the pot with a spoon.

A Big Old Dog lays on his bed in the corner.

Pammy tosses cereal down to Missy who picks it up and eats.

BILLY (O.C.)

(singing)

Well the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon, something else, something else and we’ll get together then, yeah, you know we’ll have a good time then.

The door handle turns and opens into the room. Enter The Plastic Bag that holds two carry-out containers.

Holding The Bag is BILLY WOODS, 25, tall, thin, with a mop of unruly blondish hair. He has an impish grin. Around his neck hangs a mariner’s cross on a brown leather ribbon.

On his shirt is a big button that reads “What’s Your Why?”

BILLY (singing)

Yeah, you know we’ll have a good time then. Yeah.

The door bumps Pammy and she almost spills her wine.

PAMMY

Good Lord, Billy!

Billy trips, steps on a plastic lid, and skids into the room. He leaps over Missy then the cat, who takes off like a shot. He lands, elbows down, and manages to save the carryout.

BILLY

Ta da!

Billy gets up and places the bag on the counter.

PAMMY

Alexa volume down…

The Classic Rock Music VOLUME LOWERS.

PAMMY

What are you doing home so early? I thought you had that team-building event thingy.

Billy eyes the glass of wine in Pammy’s hand.

BILLY

Pammy, Pammy, Pammy, Pammy, Pammy

PAMMY

Oh, just, shut it.

Pammy takes a sip.

BILLY

Alexa stop.

MUSIC STOPS. Billy knocks his knee on an open cabinet.

BILLY

I thought we agreed you weren’t going to drink while we were trying…

PAMMY

Geeze-oid, it’s just one glass. The Europeans have no problem with this.

BILLY

The Europeans are idiots. We agreed.

PAMMY

We agreed to a lot of things that I am now starting to regret.

She takes another sip. Billy SIGHS and tries to open the tie at the top of The Bag.

PAMMY

So – what are you doing home?

BILLY

Can’t I surprise my beautiful bride with Big Daddy’s Calzones every once in a while?

PAMMY

Big Daddy’s?

BILLY

I though you liked Big Daddy.

PAMMY

I do, it’s just a little cha-ching.

Pammy unplugs the crock pot.

PAMMY

Guess we’ll have bean tostadas tomorrow. So, how was bowling?

BILLY

Hand me the scissors.

PAMMY

No! I like to keep those bags for my recyclables.

Pammy works the knot. Billy crosses to Missy, leans down, knocks his head on the edge of a chair, and kisses her.

BILLY

Hello my smart little girl. Too bad your little brother or sister is going to have birth defects.

Billy sits at the table.

PAMMY

What.

BILLY

What, what?

PAMMY

Why are you home? Why this dinner? What happened?

BILLY

It was an accident.

PAMMY

Billy.

BILLY

We were all having a good time. The ball slipped from my hand…

PAMMY

And…

BILLY

It was a one in trillion shot. One in a billion.

PAMMY

Oh my Dear God, did you hit someone?

BILLY

The G.M.

PAMMY

The who?!

BILLY

The G.M., it was an accident.

PAMMY

You hit Mr. Lewellen Smythe, the General Manager of the Royal Park Hotel, with a bowling ball?

BILLY

Yes.

PAMMY

Where?

BILLY

On the head.

PAMMY

Good Lord, Billy, is he ok?

BILLY

He’s fine. He was still talking when the ambulance came.

PAMMY

The… you could have killed him! Of all the dumb… You were fooling around, weren’t you… swinging your arm around like a crazy person, just for laughs.

Knot’s out. Pammy removes the food.

BILLY

We were all having a good time. It slipped. It’s not my fault.

PAMMY

What did he do? What did he say?

Pammy removes the flyer that reads: “Now Hiring Drivers.”

BILLY

Just to not come in tomorrow, or, ever.

PAMMY

That was a good job. Bellman make good… your cousin got you that freaking job. We were gonna have benefits.

BILLY

Can we just eat. Foods gettn cold.

PAMMY

You want to eat? You want to eat? You eat. Eat it.

Pammy storms into the bathroom and slams the door. The gust of air pushes the Plastic Bag to the edge of the counter.

BILLY

Oh, come on now, Pammy, don’t, don’t be like that.

The bathroom door knob jiggles.

PAMMY (O.S.)

I can’t believe what a dummy I married. A complete idiot. A total… can’t keep a job… can’t do anything right.

Billy tries to open the door.

BILLY

Don’t lock the… you know that door sticks. You shouldn’t lock it.

PAMMY (O.S.)

You were supposed to fix it!

BILLY

Fine. Fine. Be that way. Bring you home a nice dinner and you… fine.

PAMMY (O.S.)

Oh my Lord, help me, help me. I married an idiot.

BILLY

Alexa. Playlist. Shropshire Slasher.

ALEXA (V.O.)

Playing playlist from Spotify; Shropshire Slasher.

A HEADBANGER SONG plays.

PAMMY (O.S.)

Good lord, what do I do now? What do I do? I can’t take it anymore. I want a divorce. I want a divorce!

BILLY

Alexa, volume up.

The MUSIC drowns out Pammy. Billy grabs both boxes and throws them down on the table. The flyer comes along for the ride.

His abrupt movement pushes the Plastic Bag off the counter. It gently floats to the floor, right next to baby Missy.

The flyer reads: “Hiring Delivery Drivers; Hourly + Tips. Call Now (586) 867-5309”.

Billy fumbles with the plasticware then digs into his food.

BILLY

I can throw a rock and get a job.

Billy examines the contents of the wine bottle.

BILLY

Just one glass, my eye.

He continues to eat, then looks down and is horrified.

BILLY

Oh my god, oh my god.

He drops to the floor, knocks the chair over, and pulls the Plastic Bag off the motionless head of Baby Missy.

BILLY

Pammy! Pammy get out here! Alexa stop.

The MUSIC STOPS.

BILLY

Pammy!

PAMMY (O.S.)

What’s going on?

BILLY

Oh my god! Alexa, plastic bag, how do you, baby, not breathing?

PAMMY (O.S.)

Billy? The lock’s stuck. What’s going on?

BILLY

Shut up! Shut up!

ALEXA (V.O.)

Hmm, I don’t know that one.

BILLY

Alexa, CPR, how do you do it?

ALEXA

Sapphire prices can range greatly, depending on many factors.

BILLY

Pammy, I need your help, the baby.

PAMMY (O.S.)

I can’t get the door open, you moron, get me out of here. What happened?

Billy rushes to the bathroom door. The handle spins.

BILLY

Missy’s not breathing.

PAMMY (O.S.)

What? Did you call 911? Open this damn door.

Billy tugs at the door, then grabs his phone.

PAMMY (O.S.)

We need help. My baby’s not breathing. Send an ambulance. Billy open this god damn door!

BILLY

You need to get somebody here. My daughter. She got a plastic bag over her head.

Pammy kicks and hits the door.

PAMMY (O.S.)

Billy!

Billy sets down the phone. With all his might, he kicks the door in. Pammy takes it in the face: Blood and Confusion.

Pammy stumbles to Missy.

PAMMY

Oh my god, oh my god. My baby, my baby. Billy, get the car, we’ll take her to the hospital.

Billy runs out. Pammy holds Missy and staggers to her feet.

PAMMY

(into her phone)

Where are you? She’s not breathing.

Billy returns and frantically searches the kitchen.

BILLY

Where are my keys? I can’t find my keys. Did you take them?

PAMMY

What would I want with your keys?

BILLY

I set them right here! They were right here. You must have…

PAMMY

Are you kidding me? You maniac! Oh god, find them! Get the keys!

Pammy calls 911 again.

PAMMY

(screaming)

Our house is on fire! It’s on fire!

Billy picks up his phone.

BILLY

Are you there? You need to tell us what to do. How you do CPR.

Billy takes Missy and lays her down on the floor.

BILLY

Listen to me. Listen. I can’t understand. You listen to her and tell me what to do.

Pammy takes Billy’s phone.

PAMMY

Ok. Ok. Go. What do we do?… Use your mouth to make a complete seal over her mouth and nose. Cover her mouth and nose with your mouth.

Billy follows directions. His mariner’s cross is visible.

PAMMY

Now blow and make her chest rise. Blow air into her. Do it again. Now, put your two fingers here on her chest and – not too hard – just press – 30 times. Count to 30. Now, cover her mouth and nose again with your mouth and blow air into her. Do it again.

BILLY

It’s not working.

PAMMY

It’s not working. Do the chest compressions again.

BILLY

The what?

PAMMY

Take your two fingers – gently – press 30 times. Cover her mouth again and blow.

Missy sputters and cries out.

BILLY

That’s it. Yes. That’s it.

PAMMY

We got her. We got her.

Billy laughs/cries and holds Missy close. Pammy takes her. Billy stands but his knees buckle and he sinks to the floor.

Pammy sits at the table with Missy. She wipes her face.

PAMMY

What just happened?

Billy grabs The Plastic Bag.

BILLY

This damn bag. This…

PAMMY

We’re gonna blame the bag?

BILLY

It was an accident!

He cries.

BILLY

You’re right. I’m a screw-up. It’s my fault, it’s all my fault. I’m a bad husband and a bad father. I don’t take anything seriously. But that’s all going to change. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose all we have. I’m gonna do better. I promise.

PAMMY

That all sounds real nice.

BILLY

I’ll get another job. I’ll deliver pizzas at night. And I’ll get a day job, too. I’ll fix this place up.

PAMMY

Kinda hard to schlep pizzas without keys.

His eyes go wide when he checks his back pocket.

BILLY

Don’t be mad. Please don’t yell at me. I can’t take it right now.

The keys. Pammy grits her teeth. He goes to the door.

PAMMY

Where you going?

BILLY

To get rid of this.

Billy exits with The Bag. Pammy takes the wine bottle to the sink, pours it, stops, takes one more swig, then empties it.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROSEVILLE PLAZA APARTMENT COMPLEX – CONTINUOUS

Three, dilapidated buildings and a large parking area.

Billy stands on his porch and flings The Plastic Bag away. The wind blows it down the walkway.

SIRENS can be heard, approaching.

The Plastic Bag blows past BECKY PITRI (19), thin yet pregnant, who’s at her apartment door with a pizza box.

BILLY

Hey Becky.

BECKY

Hey Billy.

BILLY

Need a hand?

BECKY

No. I got it.

One by one, a police car, ambulance, and fire truck pull up.

The wind carries The Plastic Bag down the street.

FADE TO BLACK.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Key Business Decisions

What I learned: It’s interesting to start thinking like a producer and looking at things from a different perspective. The producer is making key business decisions in order to sell and market this movie and he’s got boxes to check.

Genre: Drama

Title: The Plastic Bag

Concept: A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

Audience: Females over 25

Budget: 5 million

Lead Characters:

Abby (70): a rough-and-tumble yet effervescent grandma who wants to help her phone-addicted bully of a granddaughter, Delia (16).

Torrie (60): Abby’s oldest friend; a profound and uber-famous artist. Her art exhibit, “The Plastic Bag” will challenge Delia and invite her into a new life.

Journey / Character Arc:

The story follows Delia (16), who is challenged by the stories of “The Plastic Bag” and the people she meets at Torrie’s art show. She’s forced to face her wound (abandonment) and finds hope in the courage she finds in others who press on amid life’s trials.

Opening / Ending

Opening: Delia (6) shatters a glass door trying to chase down her deserting father. This is followed by a scripture verse touting the goodness of the Father.

Ending: Amidst the broken stories of the artwork, we see woven throughout a depiction of a good Father. Delia returns home and reconciles with her estranged mother.

2. Tell us which of those decisions you could improve to make your script more marketable.

Audience: I need a better understanding of my audience… not sure if it’s women over 25, or teen girls, or both – and does that even work?

Budget: Not sure what my budget is or how to estimate it.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Marketing Campaign

What I learned doing this assignment is that my writing must be great before I launch a marketing campaign.

I chose Marketing Campaign #1 – Can’t travel.

My first action is threefold –

I will continue to elevate my writing by taking courses through ScreenwritingU. I’m working on a rewrite and my next live class is AI for Screenwriters.

I will polish my LinkedIn account.

Finally, I have two scripts that I entered in the current Roadmap Writers contest. If they get a “recommend” I will use this towards my credibility in marketing. If not, I will receive feedback notes that will help me elevate myself as a writer.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Specialty – Drama

What I learned doing this assignment: It’s important to choose a genre to specialize in and understand the conventions of that genre. It’s more than just appreciating a movie or watching it for entertainment value – I need to dig deep and understand how and why it works and what makes these movies successful. The more I study these films, the better I will understand them and become an expert in this genre.

Movie 1: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

How “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” (1993) followed the CONVENTIONS OF DRAMA

PURPOSE: To explore stories with emotional and inter-personal high stakes for their characters.

This movie centered around one family in a small, rural town and how they related to each other. The focus was on the internal struggle of Gilbert as he related to his family and how the dynamics between them changed over the course of the film. The primary relationship in question was between Gilbert and his mother and there were high stakes involved in this relationship.

CHARACTER-DRIVEN JOURNEY: We always need to care about the characters in a Drama, and their internal journey drives the film’s events and progression.

We are introduced to Gilbert and his family and are drawn into their lives in a sympathetic way. Arnie is mentally handicapped and isn’t expected to live long. His mother is morbidly obese and hasn’t left the house in six years. Gilbert and his two sisters care for them. Gilbert also works at a local grocer who’s being outmaneuvered by the new Supermarket outside of town. As the story progresses we see their characters develop and change.

HIGH STAKES COME FROM WITHIN: Whether the story’s events are relatively mundane or intense, the struggles, obstacles, and stakes comes from within the characters more than from external pressures.

There are a few high-stakes moments of external struggles; Arnie climbs the water tower and we fear he will fall. Gilbert is having an affair with a married woman and continues to encounter her husband, leaving us concerned about the outcome. But the real struggle is within Gilbert who is frustrated with his place in life and feels like he “isn’t going anywhere.” He wants to care for his family but feels stuck. He’s also embarrassed by his mom and doesn’t speak well of her. These are the obstacles he must overcome, and they are internal.

EMOTIONALLY RESONATES: Drama audiences want to feel and be moved by the character’s emotions and how they experience the events.

The audience can connect emotionally with Gilbert and follow him on this journey. We come to have great sympathy for his mom and are deeply moved when she leaves her house to get Arnie out of jail. The last 30 minutes are especially challenging and moving as the drama escalates. We sit for a while with Gilbert and his family when their mom dies – as if we are mourning with them. We also sit with them as they watch their house burn down.

CHALLENGING, EMOTIONALLY-CHARGED SITUATIONS: Characters get challenged to their core by the emotional situations and struggles that they run into.

Gilbert is challenged by his relationship with his brother – will he care for him or will he neglect him and ultimately hurt him? And when he does hurt him, will he be able to reconcile the relationship?

Gilbert is challenged by his relationship with his mom. In the beginning, he’s obedient and helpful to her face, but he disrespects her behind her back. In the end, he realizes the error of his ways and promises to do better.

Gilbert is challenged by his relationship with Betty Carver which is sexual in nature. When he meets Becky, he finds he can open up to her and, in a sense, comes alive.

REAL-LIFE SITUATIONS: Drama stories are grounded in reality.

This entire movie takes place in the little town of Endora and is entirely grounded in reality.

What I learned from watching this movie:

This is one of my favorite movies, so I have seen it many times… but the last time I watched it was probably 20 years ago. This time, however, I watched it with a different eye. First, there is a lot of depth to the movie – a lot of subtext… everything in the script has a double meaning. It’s about Gilbert, but it’s more of a powerful examination of anyone who feels stuck and/or depressed about their situation in life. This falls under the category of “profound screenplay” – with Gilbert being the “transformable character” and Becky being the “change agent”. All the characters went through some sort of transformation – even the minor ones. The writer also took a few pieces of dialogue, wove it throughout the film and gave it different meanings each time: “We’re not going anywhere.” “It’s not good-bye, it’s good-night.” “Don’t disappear on me.” “We’ve got to do better.” It explores the theme of death. Gilbert comes to learn that leaving/going away/making a change doesn’t necessarily mean dying. He transforms from depressed and stuck to being able to “go anywhere.”

Note – they live in Endora – which could be a play on the word “endure” – which carries the meaning of bearing a burden.

Also – I was surprised at how short most of the scenes were. The story isn’t action-packed – it moves rather slowly – but it is at no time ‘boring.’ Each scene lasted somewhere between 1 – 3 minutes tops.

It’s interesting that this movie did not do well at the box office. The budget was $11 million and it made only 10 million worldwide… yet it appears on many lists as a top dramatic film. The cast is stellar, DiCaprio was nominated for an Oscar for his performance, and it won several film critic awards.

Movie #2 – Lady Bird

How Lady Bird (2017) followed the conventions of Drama

Purpose: The story is about the senior year of Christine (a.k.a. Lady Bird) and her interpersonal relationships with her family, friends, and classmates who all change and grow over the course of a year.

CHARACTER-DRIVEN JOURNEY: We are drawn into the life of Lady Bird and her struggles with her mom, dad, brother, and sister-in-law. We know she wants to grow up and be on her own – be a part of something bigger than herself… this internal journey drives the story.

HIGH STAKES COME FROM WITHIN: The story follows Lady Bird as she applies to colleges in the East while joining the drama club at school and having a boyfriend. When things go bad with the boyfriend, she tries to fit in with the “rich kids” and falls woefully short. Her real struggle is to mature and honor her parents – accept where she’s grown up and be thankful for what she has – to stop longing for what she doesn’t have.

EMOTIONALLY RESONATES: There are different ways the characters in the story display their depression and dissatisfaction with their lives… the sadness of the Father, the pills that her dad takes, the disappointment of her mother, her friend Julie’s highs and lows, and the emotional insecurity of Lady Bird, herself. The audience goes on this journey with all the characters.

CHALLENGING, EMOTIONALLY-CHARGED SITUATIONS: There is constant arguing and bickering between friends and family. The bigger moments: Lady Bird throws herself out of the car, Danny and Lady Bird “fall in love”, Catching Danny with another boy, Danny’s shame and tears, Fight with Julie, Suspension from school, Breaking off with Kyle, Reuniting with Julie, Going away to college – missing her mom.

REAL-LIFE SITUATIONS: This story is grounded in reality and takes place in Sacramento, CA.

What I learned: This is the second Drama that I’ve watched intentionally – and it’s interesting that both stories force the lead to come to terms with their upbringing. Lady Bird finally comes to appreciate, respect, and honor her parents. She is no longer ashamed of her name or where she grew up. The scenes are very short; between 1 – 3 minutes max. Also – like the other Drama – the story begins and ends in a one-year timeframe. Though the first story mostly takes place over about a month – we do follow up a year later and see the change. Lady Bird happens over a year’s time – her entire Senior year and then going away to college. Also – like in the other film – all of the characters go through some sort of transformation – Her brother gets a good job, Julie reconnects with her dad, Danny seems to pull it together, and Lady Bird and her mom reconcile their relationship – even if it’s from a distance.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Credibility is Going Up and my LinkedIn profile is amazing!

What I learned doing this assignment is… It’s very important to look at the list and see the credibility I don’t have. It can only go up! I must take myself out of my comfort zone (I’m not on any social media) and do a few things to help boost my credibility. One step at a time, over the next few months and years – and I will get there.

Current credibility:

I have written a High Concept script that delivers Drama in a strong way.

I have a BA in Film from Columbia College, Chicago

Possible things I can do to increase my credibility:

Market my script

Get a small deal with a producer who will option my script.

Establish a LinkedIn profile.

In the next 30 days, I will:

make a list of 300 producers I can target and send out emails or letters to market my script.

upgrade my profile on LinkedIn (which I just created): get a nice headshot, list my current polished scripts, and get some endorsements from the people I exchanged feedback with.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Query Letter Draft ONE

What I learned… Writing hooks and making them as interesting as possible is the key to a good query letter. I am excited to get some feedback and would appreciate any and all comments. You can email me: ddomm1130@hotmail.com

Title: The Plastic Bag

Genre: Drama

A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

Could a father be merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love?

Delia doesn’t know what this looks like. Her own father left when she was six years old. She shattered a glass door trying to chase him down – and she’s got scars. Now she’s a snarky teenager, addicted to her phone, and suspended from school for cyberbullying.

Her rough-and-tumble grandma, Abby, tosses that phone out the car window. They’re on their way to visit Abby’s oldest friend…. the uber-famous, yet grounded artist, Torrie Hartman, who has woven the stories of the Plastic Bag into her new art exhibit. Each piece of art comes alive as she narrates.

This cursed bag wreaks havoc in every life it touches, and this gets Delia’s attention. Will she allow herself to be drawn into the messy drama? It doesn’t look like it when she sneaks away and almost kills herself trying to buy a new phone.

Turns out the stories are true and based on both Torrie and Abby’s trials – except the real endings are tragic. Delia is moved. Finally, Torrie reveals how her artwork is theological and paints a picture of God the Father.

The door to life is open for Delia. Does she have faith to step through?

Bio: I have a BA in Film from Columbia College, Chicago. I’m also a theological junkie and have logged thousands upon thousands of hours studying the Bible and learning about God the Father.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Contact Info:

Deborah Johnson…

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Target Market

The Plastic Bag

Logline: A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

What I learned – It’s astounding how many producers can be connected to similar projects and actors. This was an eye-opening exercise and the research was simple.

Lesson 10 part two:

What I learned: It doesn’t take long to find the producers that want to be found. I stopped at 50, just to complete the assignment, but my goal is to get at least 300 that I can market. The key is filtering for Genre, Production release date, and budget.

Similar movies:

Lady Bird – 10 mil.

Eli Bush

Evelyn O’Neill

Scott Rudin

Jason Sack

Alex G. Scott

Lila Yacoub

Directed by: Greta Gerwig who also made Little Women: (budget $40 million)

Produced by

Denise Di Novi

Adam Merims

Arnon Milchan

Rachel O’Connor

Evelyn O’Neill

Amy Pascal

Robin Swicord

Starring Saoirse. Ronan – who was in The French Dispatch –

Ben Adler

Wes Anderson

Frédéric Blum

Roman Coppola

Jeremy Dawson

Christoph Fisser

Henning Molfenter

John Peet

Octavia Peissel

Steven Rales

Charlie Woebcken

Little Miss Sunshine (2006) budget $8 million

Albert Berger

Michael Beugg

Jeb Brody

David T. Friendly

Bart Lipton

Peter Saraf

Marc Turtletaub

Ron Yerxa

Note: I cut this short – because there was no need to list the hundreds of people I found.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Deb Johnson. Reason: my list was incredibly long - and I didn't want to burden the system

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Phone Pitch

What I learned: I know that if I ever decide to make cold calls, that I am literally only talking for 10 seconds and would only be on the phone for 60 seconds or less. I could probably handle myself pretty well. If I get a “no,” it’s nothing personal and I can simply move on to the next contact. Also, based on the audio lesson, if I do get a request, then I am to get off the phone quickly – simply confirm the email and ask when I can follow up. If they say no – ask if I can call again with my next project.

1. I will open my pitch with Credibility and High Concept.

2. My Script:

“Hi, I’m Deb Johnson, I have a film degree from Columbia College, Chicago, and I’m wondering if I could run a quick concept by you?”

(yes)

“I have a feature Drama about a plastic bag that passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.”

3. Answers to questions a producer may ask:

What’s the budget range? $3 – 5 million

Who do you see in the main roles? Rosanne Barr, Isla Johnston

How many pages is the script? 115 pages

Who else has seen this? I’ve just started marketing this script.

Why do you think this fits our company? I see you do Drama’s in the $1 – 5 million range

How does the movie end? The artist who created the artwork that follows the plastic bag reveals that they are true stories with tragic endings. The protagonist, Delia is moved and encouraged to embrace life amidst her own trials.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb learns about Paid Writing Assignments

What I learned from the opening teleconference:

My four big takeaways:

1) 80% of producers are accessible and getting paid writing assignments is absolutely possible for me. I just need to take it one step at a time.

2) I will need to “audition” for assignments – this is part of the hiring process.

3) I am in control of building my credibility and I need to make a plan and take action to build this.

4) I must choose a specialty. It’s like in construction – there are generalists who can handle a variety of different things – and there are specialists. Producers are looking for specialists. This means I need to pick a genre and become great at it.

The two projects I’m bringing to the class:

(Note: I was going to bring a completed action/fantasy script – but – since I now know I must choose a specialty – and I want to become an expert Drama writer – I decided to go with my completed Drama script)

An idea I’d like to create:

Yet to be named Roller Rink (Drama). A contained movie with a $1 – $5 million budget.

A completed script:

The Plastic Bag; (Drama) with a $1 – 5 million budget.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  Deb Johnson. Reason: after listening to Hal's lecture in a different Marketing class - I understand that the genre "dramedy" is a watering down of the two bigger genres (Drama and Comedy) - so I decided to go with Drama as my focus

[Deb Johnson]

Subject line: Deb’s Pitch Fest Pitch

What I learned: An in-person pitch is much different than a query letter. You are basically just putting out your best hook and hoping for a bite. It’s helpful to run through the most frequently asked questions so you can prepare in advance.

Hi, I’m Deb Johnson and I specialize in Dramedies.

Today, I have a Dramedy called THE PLASTIC BAG. A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way… ultimately pointing to the goodness of God the Father in Heaven.

• What is the budget range? Middle budget $15 – 30 million.

• What actors do you like for the lead roles? Grandma Abby is Rosanne Barr. Torrie Hartman is Cate Blanchette. Delia is Isla Johnston.

• Give me the acts of the story:

Act 1 –

When 16-year-old Delia is suspended from school for cyberbullying, her grandma Abby destroys her cell phone and takes her to visit her friend and famous artist, Torrie Hartman. Torrie has woven the stories of the Plastic Bag into her new art exhibit and each piece of art comes alive as she narrates.

Act 2 –

This cursed bag wreaks havoc in every life it touches. This gets Delia’s attention… for a while… till she sneaks away and almost kills herself trying to buy a new phone.

Act 3

Turns out the stories are based on both Torrie and Abby’s real-life trials. Delia is moved. Finally, Torrie reveals how her artwork is theological and paints a picture of God the Father.

• How does it end? (setup / payoff).

At the beginning of the movie, young Delia shatters a glass door trying to stop her dad from leaving. Immediately following this short scene, a Bible verse appears on the screen: “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” It’s a strange juxtaposition.

In the end, Torrie and Abby reveal that these stories are true and based on their own real-life trials – however, the endings are much worse than the art portrays. Torrie then explains that her artwork is trying to change the way we see the Father. We then go back through all the paintings (Sixth Sense style) and see how the father in each painting demonstrates a different attribute of God, the Father in Heaven… merciful, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

• Credibility questions What have you done?

I have a BA in Film from Columbia College, Chicago. I’m also a theological junkie and have logged thousands upon thousands of hours studying the Bible and learning about God the Father.

[Deb Johnson]

Hello! I’m Deb Johnson

I’ve written about seven scripts. I hope to learn the ins and outs of paid writing assignments – including: gaining the confidence to know that I can do this and do it well.

I just learned how to make hot fudge sauce and I can’t get enough of it.

Looking forward to a great class!

[Deb Johnson]

Deborah Johnson

I agree to the terms of this confidentiality agreement

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Query Letter

What I learned… Some excellent ways to shape a Query letter that will get the attention of managers and producers! I have two compelling hooks – not sure which one to go with – so I put both. It was great to see all our lessons thus far come together and build confidence that I will continue to write superb query letters going forward. Also – a question – if we are targeting a specific actor – and we are sending out this query to them – is there a best way to pitch that? And where would that go in the letter? Hopefully, Hal will address this in an upcoming class.

A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

Could a father be merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love?

Delia doesn’t know what this looks like. Her own father left when she was six years old. She shattered a glass door trying to chase him down – and she’s got scars. Now she’s a snarky teenager, addicted to her phone, and suspended from school for cyberbullying.

Her rough-and-tumble grandma, Abby, tosses that phone out the car window. They’re on their way to visit Abby’s oldest friend…. the uber-famous, yet grounded artist, Torrie Hartman, who has woven the stories of the Plastic Bag into her new art exhibit. Each piece of art comes alive as she narrates.

This cursed bag wreaks havoc in every life it touches, and this gets Delia’s attention. Will she allow herself to be drawn into the messy drama? It doesn’t look like it when she sneaks away and almost kills herself trying to buy a new phone.

Turns out the stories are true and based on both Torrie and Abby’s trials – except the real endings are much worse. Delia is moved. Finally, Torrie reveals how her artwork is theological and paints a picture of God the Father.

The door to life is open for Delia. Does she have faith to step through?

Bio: I have a BA in Film from Columbia College, Chicago. I’m also a theological junkie and have logged thousands upon thousands of hours studying the Bible and learning about God the Father.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.

Contact Info:

Deborah Johnson

…

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

What I learned doing this assignment:

I always felt I had a strong, unique hook as I was developing my script. Whenever I mentioned it to family/friends, it was always well received. However, it’s important to go through these steps to understand why it works – and to home in on making sure I’m telling it in the most interesting way possible. Going through this exercise gave me several different ways to do this.

1. What is the big-picture explanation of your lead character’s journey?

A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

Dilemma –

A plastic bag passes from one owner to another wreaking havoc in every life it touches.

Main Conflict –

A cursed plastic bag passes from one owner to another, and these stories challenge the solitude of a snarky teenage girl.

What’s at Stake?

A snarky teenager is roused by artwork that tells stories about a single plastic bag – but will she allow herself to be drawn into the real messy lives of her family and friends?

Goal/Unique Opposition

Grandma Abby has met her nemesis: her snarky teenage granddaughter. Will they survive a trip to an art exhibit?

Elevator Pitch

Unique: I’m finishing up a story about a cursed plastic bag that passes from one owner to another.

Plastic bags are everywhere… we use them all the time and sometimes see them blowing down the street or even hanging from trees… My story gives significance to one bag as it exchanges hands – and brings both blessings and curses to those who have it.

Timely: I’ve written a story about a disconnected teenager and the family that loves her.

Wide Audience Appeal: The characters in my story cover a wide age range and include a protagonist who’s a teenager and the antagonist is her 70-year-old grandmother.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Synopsis Hooks

What I learned… It was nice to see the two lists merge to bring out the very best hooks in the script. By taking my (4) components of marketability and pairing them with my (8) most interesting things, I was able to create a first draft of a synopsis that’s interesting and engaging.

Hooks:

1. Unique: The concept is that we follow a cursed plastic bag as it exchanges hands between several people. The bag represents life, coming at us hard, and asking ‘What will you do with me?’

2. Timely – The frame that holds these vignettes together centers on a teen with a cell phone addiction. It addresses disconnected teens and the families that love them.

3. Wide Audience Appeal – Heartwarming and uplifting with a wide age range: the protagonist is a teenager, and the antagonist is her 70-year-old grandmother. The stories include children, young couples, and single adults.

4. A great role for a bankable actor:

• Little Delia shatters a glass door while trying to stop her father from leaving. She’s got scars. Now she’s a snarky teen addicted to her phone.

• Abby, her rough-and-tumble grandma, tosses Delia’s phone out the car window.

• Torrie, an uber-famous artist, gives them both a tour of her art exhibit, “The Plastic Bag,” where each piece of art comes to life and tells a different story.

5. This cursed bag wreaks havoc in every life it touches as it:

• Almost suffocates a baby.

• Sets up a near car wreck.

• Kicks off WW3 on a playground.

• Sends a kid to urgent care.

• Carries heist money.

• Launches a misguided shopping spree.

6. Should Delia remain isolated in a virtual world she can control, or allow herself to be drawn into the real messy lives of her family and friends?

7. Turns out the stories are true and based on the lives of both Torrie and Abby – except the real endings are much worse.

8. Torrie reveals her artwork is about the goodness of God the Father who is with us amid life’s tragedies.

First Draft:

Title: The Plastic Bag

Written by: Deborah Johnson

Genre: Dramedy

We’ve followed a tailcoat, a red violin, and traveling pants now get ready for the Plastic Bag.

It all starts with little Delia who shatters a glass door while trying to stop her father from leaving. She’s got scars. A scripture verse touts the goodness of God, but it’s a strange juxtaposition.

Now Delia’s a snarky teen, addicted to her phone, and suspended from school for cyberbullying. Her rough-and-tumble grandma, Abby, tosses that phone out the car window. They’re on their way to visit Abby’s oldest friend.

The uber-famous, yet grounded artist, Torrie Hartman has woven the stories of the Plastic Bag into her new art exhibit. Each piece of art comes alive as she narrates each story.

This cursed bag wreaks havoc in every life it touches as it: almost suffocates a baby, sets up a near car wreck, kicks off WW3 on a playground, sends a kid to urgent care, carries heist money, and launches a misguided shopping spree.

Should Delia remain isolated in a virtual world she can control, or allow herself to be drawn into the real messy lives of her family and friends?

Turns out the stories are true and based on the lives of both Torrie and Abby – except the real endings are much worse. Delia is moved.

Finally, Torrie reveals how her artwork paints a picture of God the Father, abounding in steadfast love, who is with us amid life’s tragedies.

The door to life is open for Delia to step through and her family is there to welcome her.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s 10 Most Interesting Things

What I learned – To capture the attention of managers and producers I must only give them information on the script that will interest, intrigue, engage, shock, or surprise them. This is not the time to give a “book report.” In trying to make my list concise, I don’t know if I’ve kept it interesting, but here is my best shot so far…

Little Delia shatters a glass door while trying to stop her father from leaving. She’s got scars.

Now she’s a snarky teen addicted to her phone.

Abby, her rough-and-tumble grandma, tosses Delia’s phone out the car window.

Torrie, an uber-famous artist, gives them both a tour of her art exhibit, “The Plastic Bag,” where each piece of art comes to life and tells a different story.

This cursed bag wreaks havoc in every life it touches as it:

• Almost suffocates a baby.

• Sets up a near car wreck.

• Kicks off WW3 on a playground.

• Sends a kid to urgent care.

• Carries heist money.

• Launches a misguided shopping spree.

Should Delia remain isolated in a virtual world she can control, or allow herself to be drawn into the real messy lives of her family and friends?

Turns out the stories are true and based on the lives of both Torrie and Abby – except the real endings are much worse.

Torrie reveals how her artwork paints a picture of God the Father who is with us amid life’s tragedies.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Producer/Manager

What I learned:

There is a different approach we must take as writers depending on who we are talking to. A producer wants to sell as much as a manager does, but a manager is interested in my development as a writer. I must be careful when talking to each that I give them only the information they want/need.

How would I present myself and my project to the producer?

First, I would make sure that the producer was interested in the genre and budget of my script. Then I would give them a quick rundown of the key elements of my script: Genre, Title, High Concept, Main Conflict, Transformational Journey, and Opposition.

I would mention other marketable elements that would help them see the value of this salable script.

If they had further questions about the script, I would explain as succinctly as possible. I’d let them know that I enjoy collaboration and am willing to work with them on any necessary changes to make the script better for their market. Then I’d ask them if they would like to read the script.

How would I present myself and my project to the manager?

I would give them a brief history of myself as a writer, the number of scripts I’ve written, and the number of polished scripts I have. I would let them know that I am malleable, willing to work hard, and that I’m looking for a coach and mentor that can further my career as a writer.

I would then present my current project, giving a quick rundown of the key elements: Genre, Title, High Concept, Main Conflict, Transformational Journey, and Opposition. I would talk about the marketable elements and comparable works. I will answer any further questions. I would tell them about the projects I am currently working on and my goals as a writer – where I see myself in five years. I would let them know that I’m a good listener and enjoy collaborating on projects. I would let them know that I’m interested in taking on paid writing assignments. I would ask the manager if they would be interested in reading the script.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Marketable Components

What I learned – It was exciting to read through the 10 components and see that I had a few! I understand how important it is to deliver on at least one or two. I found four components that could help sell my script… but decided to focus on these two:

Logline: A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

Unique – The concept is that we follow a cursed plastic bag as it exchanges hands between several people. The bag represents life, coming at us hard, and asking ‘What will you do with me?’

Timely – The frame that holds these vignettes together centers on a teen with a cell phone addiction. It addresses disconnected teens and the families that love them.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Project and Market

What I learned: Hal has a way of getting me excited about every aspect of the writing process. I am encouraged and focused and fighting perfectionism every step of the way. This lesson helped me understand what a “concept” is versus a “logline” and the importance of not ‘telling the story.’ Rather – to focus on finding the “hook.” I look forward to learning more about this.

Genre: Dramedy

Title: The Plastic Bag

Concept: A plastic bag passes from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

My story is full of heartfelt moments that affirm life in the midst of the trials and hardships we face. It is a story that presents thorny and complex situations but also offers comfort and peace to those who seek it.

Who I will target first: An Actors Production Company

Why: I always had the actor, Mark Wahlberg, in mind when I wrote this script. Ever since I saw “Father Stu” (and subsequent interviews with him about his movie), I understood how important his Faith was to him and how he was able to bring his Faith to the screen with heartfelt clarity. I thought he might be interested in a similar project. He’s also a good fit for the “father” role in my script, which is integral to the plot.

[Deb Johnson]

Hello! My Name is Deb Johnson

I’ve written about seven scripts. I have two polished scripts that are ready for marketing and I hope to learn how to get these scripts to the right people.

In addition to homeschooling my two children, I care for my mother and a sister who has cognitive disabilities. It’s always a busy day around here!

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Johnson

I agree to the terms of this release form:

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Deb Johnson]

TITLE: The Treasure of Deserti

WRITTEN BY: Deborah Johnson

What is Your Profound Truth? Forgiveness is a priceless treasure. When you have forgiveness, you have everything.

What is the Transformational Journey?

Old Ways: hard-hearted; turned in on self, seeks his own happiness, thinks he can atone for past sins, thinks he’s good enough, unforgiving; refuses to give or receive forgiveness.

Journey: Jack’s father Bram sends him after the fabled treasure of Deserti. Jack wants to find the treasure to appease his family and atone for his sins against Bram, his son, and his wife. When he finds the treasure, he realizes that he is unable to mend his past and must receive forgiveness, if they are willing to give it.

New Ways: admits his own weakness; can’t make up for past sins, turns outward, receives forgiveness, can and does forgive.

Transformational Logline: Jack, a self-serving treasure hunter, searches for a priceless treasure and gives up everything he owns to obtain it… including his pride and finally understands what forgiveness is both by receiving and then giving it.

Who are Your Lead Characters?

Change Agent: Bram Roe (Jack’s father)

Transformable Character: Jack Roe

Betraying Character: Eva Roe (Jack’s wife)

Oppression: Cancel Culture

How Do You Connect with Your Audience in the Beginning of the Movie?

• Relatability – They Are Us!

Bram is nostalgic and keeps everything. His son, Jack, who now cares for him, must sort through endless piles of “stuff” to find what’s important and what can be tossed.

• Intrigue

The questions: What is this Treasure of Deserti? Is it real? Can it be found? How will it be found?

Why is Bram convinced this priceless treasure exists? Why wasn’t he able to find it?

• Empathy

Jack accidentally caused his father’s blindness, and he also must deal with his father’s dementia. He walks a fine line as he becomes his father’s caretaker. Bram can, at one moment, be completely cogent and the next be lost. It’s difficult to watch him struggle.

• Likability

Jack is persistent and humorous even though he’s manipulative. The quest means nothing to him (at first) but he takes it on because it means so much to his father, son, and wife.

Bram is like a child; completely dependent on his son, Jack, for his care, however, he doesn’t let it bother him and takes most things in stride and with a sense of humor.

What is the Gradient of the Change?

Gradient 1. The Emotional Gradient: Forced Change. Jack is forced to shift from being unforgiving and hard-hearted to forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and reconnecting with his family.

We watch him go through these stages:

Denial: I am self-sufficient. I haven’t done anything to offend anyone, and I don’t need forgiveness. My father’s accident was not my fault.

Anger: His father wishes he could go and look for the treasure but can’t (blames Jack). He forces Jack to take up the mantel.

Bargaining: Jack must consult with past associates whom he has offended, must negotiate with his wife, Eva, whom he has alienated, and placates his son by taking him on the journey.

Depression: Burdened by life – going through the motions. When he finally admits that he’s responsible for others’ pain – he feels guilt.

Acceptance: He gives up everything to obtain the treasure and receives forgiveness from his father and his son. Accepts that his wife will not forgive him but won’t give up on her.

Gradient 2. The Action Gradient

Setup:

• Jack finds Bram’s notes that detail the Treasure of Deserti, a priceless treasure. Bram says he couldn’t find it, is disabled and not able to look for it, and wants Jack to search for it.

• Eva, Jack’s wife, encourages him to go and his son, Able, wants to go with him. All his associates discourage him and tell him it’s a waste of time.

Journey:

• Jack discovers fool’s gold; he thinks he’s wasted his resources and his time for no reason.

• Jack meets someone who is experienced in the terrain and is given new resources. He can find the “X” that marks the spot.

• Able almost dies (due to Jack’s negligence) as they close in on the treasure. When he finds it, he realizes that to obtain it, he must purchase the vast wasteland. He must give up all his wealth and possessions.

• Jack tells his wife and associates about the treasure. They don’t believe him and challenge him as he begins to sell off all his assets. His wife and associates try to stop him.

Payoff

• Jack realizes Bram did, in fact, find the treasure – and Bram sent him to find it for himself. Jack asks Bram for forgiveness. Bram helps Jack sell his stuff.

• Jack buys the land and obtains the treasure.

• Eva refuses to forgive Jack – but he resolves to win her back at all cost.

Gradient 3. The Challenge / Weakness Gradient

Challenge: Jack’s decision to go after the treasure will upset the status quo

Weakness: Ignorance

Challenge: Jack has no support from his associates, his resources are exhausted

Weakness: Doubts his decision – feels like a fool

Challenge: Jack must give up his ‘reason’ and trust the new way to read the map

Weakness: Jack’s pride and self-sufficiency stand in the way

Challenge: Jack has put his son’s life in danger and must save him – causing him to reflect on his responsibility for his father’s injury.

Weakness: Jack has never been able to admit his culpability

Challenge: Jack faces the rejection/ridicule/challenge of his wife/peers

Weakness: Overconfidence in how he will be received

What is the Transformational Structure of Your Story?

Mini-Movie 1 ­ Status Quo and Call to Adventure

Jack Roe is self-sufficient and proud of it. He believes if he just works hard enough, he can be happy and get everything he wants out of life. His father, Bram, was a great treasure hunter and taught Jack the trade. Jack brings in a decent amount of money, but his wife spends it all.

Due to Jack’s negligence at a dig sight, Bram was blinded and, due to age, suffers from early dementia. Jack has taken over his care and keeping and is frustrated over his new role… increasingly dissatisfied with his work and family – it seems he can never get ahead.

To pay for the ever-increasing expenses, he needs to sell his dad’s house and must get rid of the vast amount of junk Bram has accumulated over the years. As he’s looking through old stuff, he comes across notes and clues that his father saved about the priceless treasure of Deserti.

Mini-Movie 2 ­ Locked into Conflict

His initial reaction is dismissive, reasoning that if his father couldn’t find it, why would he bother? His wife, however, is fed up with his “moping” and tells him he needs to, “get out there again.” And besides, they need the money. His 12-year-old son, Able, is also itching for adventure and wants to go. Jack feels that maybe going after the priceless treasure will be a way to make up for what happened to Bram. Bram’s dementia prohibits him from providing concrete resources to back up his notes but encourages Jack anyway… hinting that Jack, at least, owes him this.

Mini-Movie 3 — Hero Tries to Solve Problem ­ but Fails.

Jack and Able have a map, a notebook, and a few relics to begin their search. They go to Jackson’s associate, Jade, another seasoned professional who is highly skeptical of the mission. Jade examines the clues and says there is nothing to the quest and he should give it up. Two or three others, who also have some or little knowledge of the treasure, concur with Jade. They meet with one last associate, Daze, who is hostile to the whole idea. Jack, in one way or another, owes all these people money and/or favors and he tells them that he will find the treasure – if only to pay them back. Nobody holds their breath.

Mini-Movie 4 ­ Hero Forms a Plan

Jacks and Able try to piece together clues based on what Bram left behind and the “failures” of past associates. Maybe if they do the opposite, they will have some luck. They don’t realize it, but they are reading the map upside down and backward. They travel to Bountiful, where they believe the treasure to be, and start digging. The treasure they find is “fool’s gold.” Many people buy and sell this gold and they are offered some profit, but both Jacks and Able agree that this was not what they were looking for and are discouraged.

Mini-Movie 5 ­ Hero Retreats & Antagonist Wins

The people at Bountiful try to convince him that the fool’s gold is the real treasure and make it difficult for them to leave. Jack reviews Bram’s notes and is convinced that there is something more. He meets another person from Deserti who laughs at his map and shows him he’s reading it wrong. Normally, Jack would scoff at such a notion because he’s prideful and a map expert, but he realizes that if he’s going to find the priceless treasure, he’s got to change his ways.

Mini-Movie 6 ­ Hero’s Bigger, Better Plan!

Jack and Able set off for Deserti. When they arrive, they are devastated to find a vast desert… almost uninhabitable. They exhaust all their resources and Able is almost killed. Jack thinks this is punishment for his sin against his father. He admits he is responsible for Bram’s injury.

Mini-Movie 7 ­ Crisis & Climax

Jack and Able, all resources used up and only their shirts on their backs, finally discover the priceless treasure. They marvel at it – and realize (somehow, TBD) that Bram has already been there. They are unable to take the treasure with them and aren’t even sure they can make it out of the wasteland alive. Jack realizes he must buy the land to obtain the treasure.

Mini-Movie 8 ­ New Status Quo

Jack and Able return home to tell Eva and Bram about the treasure. Jack asks for forgiveness from Bram. Jack does the math and realizes, to buy the land, they must sell everything they own. Eva is against it. She doesn’t believe the treasure is worth it. He must work around her and sell everything that belongs to him. He is ridiculed by everyone who knows him. Jack and Able decide to make Deserti inhabitable so others can share in the priceless treasure.

How are the “Old Ways” Challenged?

What beliefs are challenged that cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

A. Challenge through Questioning

Jack refuses to accept blame for his actions – yet when he does something good, he wants to take the credit. Eva refuses to give him any credit for good and challenges him, “Why do you take the credit when you don’t take the blame?” She also asks him, “Why is it so hard for us to admit when we’re wrong?”

Bram insists he did everything ‘right’ in his life; followed all the rules, dotted all the I’s, crossed all the t’s, and yet here he is poor, blind, and losing his mind. He asks Jack if that’s fair.

When Jack considers peddling fool’s gold in Bountiful, Able asks him, “If you can’t stand a phony, why is it okay for you to sell this stuff?”

The man from Deserti challenges Jack by asking him “When you look around, do you see a world at peace or a world that is fractured? If the world is fractured, how do you find peace?”

B. Challenge by Counterexample

Bram is poor, weak, and dependent, yet he is at peace; a direct contrast to Jack who is dissatisfied and unsettled.

Jack’s associate, Jade is easily offended – Jack can’t say or do anything right around her. When he goes to see her – a cake she just baked doesn’t turn out. She flies into a rage over it.

In Bountiful, snow is beautiful and fun, but in Deserti, it’s a deadly storm. In Bountiful the water is warm, welcoming, and wonderful; in Deserti, it’s a deadly rip current.

For Jack to obtain the priceless treasure, he must give up everything he already has.

C. Challenge by “Should Work, But Doesn’t”

Jack is a master manipulator, but his actions increasingly cause him more trouble… and ultimately leads him to “fool’s gold.” Until he admits his sins, he remains blind to the real treasure.

Jack is usually encouraged and given help by his associates, but for this journey, he gets no approval or help.

Jack can’t make his wife happy, no matter what – it’s never enough.

D. Challenge through Living Metaphor

Bram’s blindness is a symbol of Jack’s inability to see the truth. Bram knows this world is not enough yet is at peace. Jack still holds out hope and is dissatisfied.

Bram – who was once strong and vibrant – is now disabled and dependent.

Jack’s son Able has a hamster that runs on a wheel… always running but never getting anywhere.

Castor, one of Jack’s associates who he goes to for help at the beginning, is incarcerated. Yet, despite overwhelming evidence, continues to claim his innocence.

The priceless treasure (what Jack thinks will make him happy) is clouded in darkness and obscurity (a vast wasteland) – a place where he doesn’t think happiness can be found. And the people he encounters in this place seem to live rich, deep, vibrant lives.

Jack’s vehicle (which he meticulously cares for – a symbol of resilient durability) breaks down and will not run.

When Jack and Able set out for Deserti they must travel by boat on a wave-tossed sea (precarious, unstable, and out of their control). They will lose all their resources and make it to shore with only the clothes on their back.

How are You Presenting Insights through Profound Moments?

A. Action delivers insight.

Action: The map expert from Deserti patiently shows Jack how to read the map

Insight: Jack doesn’t know everything – he must trust someone else (a person he can’t manipulate)

Action: Jack goes to an old associate, Daze, for help. Daze is incredibly wealthy but miserable.

Insight: Happiness is elusive and not guaranteed. (If “gold” is not the answer, what is?)

Action: Eva refuses to see that her spending has contributed to their troubles – and she has no faith in her husband to make the right decisions. She continues to put her faith in her stuff.

Insight: Old ways don’t always die.

Action: Jack must sell everything he owns to buy the land that holds the treasure

Insight: It’s in losing your life that you find true life

B. Conflict delivers insight.

Conflict: A variety of ways – throughout the story – where people offend and are forgiven/not forgiven.

Insight: There are different degrees of forgiveness

Conflict: Jack is amazed to see the people of Bountiful profiting from fool’s gold – the racket they’ve set up to sell it… the deception they peddle.

Insight: What most people peddle as good is artificial.

Conflict: Jack looks back on his journey and realizes it was accidents and coincidences that brought him to the treasure – not anything triumphant or heroic that he did.

Insight: Our lives are not what we make them.

C. Irony delivers insight.

Irony: REASONS: Jack’s initial reason for the quest is to appease his wife, help his son, and atone for his sin – these are all the wrong reasons for doing the right thing. However, midpoint, Jack realizes that he just wants the treasure for himself. (Again, the irony is – this is still the wrong reason). Finally, at the climax, the reason will shift to: I find the treasure because the treasure is to be found (bigger than our own reason or strength).

Irony: CREDIT: Jack strives for the treasure and gives up everything for it, but the irony is the coincidences and circumstances beyond his control that led him to it. He can’t take the credit for finding it. Rather, he can state confidently that the treasure found him.

Irony: IDENTITY: Jack has discovered the priceless treasure – this is his new identity – he no longer cares for the affection, praise, or affirmation of his wife/friends. (The very thing he thought the quest would bring him.)

What are the Most Profound Lines of the Movie?

Pattern A: Height of the Emotion

Bram talks about the treasure: “It’s a delicate thing, really. A puzzle. It’s not something you talk about.”

Jack wonders what is enough: “I remember when we talked about being millionaires. Now we’ve got to be billionaires.”

Jack admits his guilt: “True. All true. But so is the treasure.”

Pattern B: Build Meaning Over Multiple Scenes

“I can see. I see it.” – This will go from a naïve undertaking of the journey to disappointment over fool’s gold to confirmation of the real thing.)

“King me” – A phrase used in checkers that will mean finding a place of position and power in the story (or losing that place)

How Do You Leave Us with A Profound Ending? (Note: By the time the script is written, the ending may change completely – this is my best guess so far)

A. Deliver The Profound Truth Profoundly

By the end of this scene, we understand that Jack wants to share the treasure with others. He is no longer self-sufficient and unforgiving. He values forgiveness above all else.

B. Lead Characters Ending Represents the Change

In the beginning, Jack is incredibly concerned about what his wife and friends think/believe. While at the same time, holding onto his self-sufficiency and disregard for forgiveness. The final scene is him throwing off that concern – an “I don’t give a damn,” moment… while he basks in the freedom he now has after having received forgiveness.

C. Payoff Key Setups

Will Jack and Eva stay together? How will Jack find the treasure? What will Jack’s friends do to stop him? Is Bram crazy or is he a liar or does he have true wisdom? Is there a chance for Jack to find the treasure and then reject it… because he knows how much it will cost him?

D. Surprising, But Inevitable

Jack gives up everything to obtain the treasure.

Jack and Eva split up – but we know Jack will do everything to win her back.

Jack’s friends reject him, but he doesn’t care.

E. Leave Us with a Profound Parting Image/Line

Jack and Able resolve to make Deserti inhabitable – so others can join them.

Jack says something to the effect of “I now own the treasure, but it’s the treasure that bought me.” (Needs work, but the idea is that the quest saved his life.)

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Height of the Emotion

What I learned doing this assignment is that the height of emotion can be built on wounds. Sometimes the essence of the scene has to do with a character’s wound and what they say comes from that. Also – we can shape those words to be interesting and expressive; rhythmic, poetic, and even extreme.

Since I’m starting from scratch, this was a challenge because I had to write the scenes and then change the lines. It was revelatory to realize who these characters are and how I can continue to build the story around them.

1. When Jack finds Bram’s (his father’s) notes on the priceless treasure, Bram becomes emotional and reflective. Jack questions him about it.

· Emotion: sorrow

· Deeper Meaning: This is something Bram looked for but couldn’t find but he still believes it’s possible. This is Bram’s wound. He never found it – but he wanted to. He tried to get there with his emotions and intellect. Yet, he never stopped believing. He still believes.

Old line: I looked. I never told anybody. But I looked for it. I tried. I did.

New line: It was a delicate thing, really. A puzzle. It’s not something you talk about.

2. Jack’s fight/argument/admonition from his wife to get out there and go look for the treasure.

· Emotion: frustration/angst

· Deeper meaning: Jack doesn’t know what it will take to please his wife.

Eva says “Just get out there and do. I’ll tell you when it’s enough.”

Old line: (Jack says nothing – end scene.)

New line: Jack says: “I remember when we talked about being millionaires. Now we’ve got to be billionaires.”

Eva: “How bout’ we just skip right to trillionaires.”

3. Jack and Ables’ realization that they’ve discovered fool’s gold – their disappointment.

• Emotion: disappointment/upset

• Deeper meaning: Able doesn’t have the fortitude to keep going. He can’t believe they failed.

Jack has just told Able that what they’ve discovered it fool’s gold.

Old line: Able says, “Are you sure?”

New line: Able says, “Just hit me with a hammer.”

4. Jack and Ables’ discovery of the priceless treasure – their wonder and awe.

· Emotion: Wonder/awe

· Deeper meaning: this is what they’ve been looking for and they finally find it.

This is going to be a line that builds meaning over multiple experiences. The deeper meaning is that when they find the priceless treasure, it’s like a revelation and they can finally see for the first time.

Old line: We found it!

New line: I can see it. I see it.

5. Jack’s fight/argument/rejection from his wife when she doesn’t believe he’s found the treasure.

· Emotion: sadness

· Deeper meaning: Jack has been insulted – his wound is that he wouldn’t be a failure/crazy person like his father – but it appears that way to Eva. Jack finally owns his past failure.

Eva says, “You are just as bad, no worse, than your father.”

Old line: I thought you’d be happy for me. For us. It’s incredible. I wish you could see it.

New line: True. All true. But so is the treasure.

Deb Builds Meaning with Dialogue

What I learned doing this assignment… I love to play with words, and this is a fun exercise; to take a word or phrase and give it a deeper meaning. I don’t know if I will use these or not, but they were fun to unpack and discover the possibilities.

1. “I can see it. I see it.”

Scene 1 – When Jack first finds the map to the treasure – he says this to his son – saying that he understands what lies ahead of them and how it’s possible for them to find it. (a naive undertaking)

Scene 2 – Jack says this again when they find the fool’s gold. It’s clear to him that it’s not the treasure. (a disappointment)

Scene 3 – Jack and Able finally lay eyes on the priceless treasure. (Confirmation that this is the real thing.)

2. “King me.”

Scene 1 – Able and his mom, Eva play a game of Checkers. Ables’ move demands that Eva promote his piece to “king” which gives the piece more power.

Scene 2 – Eva tells Jack to get out there and find the treasure. She says “king me” to indicate that she wishes to be promoted/advanced by Jack in this way (do something for me so I can be elevated and more powerful)

Scene 3 – When Able sees the priceless treasure he says “king me” – in a reflective way – meaning he feels he has been empowered by the discovery.

Scene 4 – Jack sells off everything he owns (to obtain the land that holds the treasure). When his last possession is sold (which looks very foolish to the person he sells it to) he says “king me,” meaning, he’s finally in a position of power.

3. “Blessed”

Scene 1: Jack is in church and receives holy communion – the “blessed” sacrament. (holy)

Scene 2: An old woman asks Jack how his “blessed” father is doing. (worthy of admiration – this is irony because his father is not someone to be admired)

Scene 3: When Jack meets with one of his associates, they ask him; ‘how were you blessed with this journey?’ (blessed meaning favored) (they are being sarcastic – because they don’t believe it’s worth the pursuit)

Scene 4: Eva always talks about how ‘blessed’ she is whenever she refers to her money and possessions. (meaning blissfully happy or content). The people of Y will also use this expression when they refer to their fool’s gold.

Scene 5: When the expert from X sees that Jack has a map to the treasure – he calls the map blessed (endowed with favor) – Jack thinks the map is worthless because it led him to fool’s gold – but the expert is going to tell him how to read the map correctly.

Scene 6: When Jack realizes that it was all happy accidents that led him to the treasure he reflectively says “Bless me” – indicating that he has received unmerited favor.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Delivers Irony!

What I learned… I love irony so this exercise was a little bit easier for me to execute than assignments 12 & 13. Irony is actions producing opposite intended results – or two opposing experiences happening at the same time.

New Way/Insight: What we do/don’t do impacts the lives of those around us.

Irony: REASONS: Jack’s initial reason for the quest is to appease his wife, help his son and atone for his sin – these are all the wrong reasons for doing the right thing. However, midpoint, Jack will realize that he just wants the treasure for himself. (Again, the irony is – this is still the wrong reason). Finally, at the climax, the reason will shift to: I find the treasure because the treasure is to be found (bigger than our own reason or strength).

New Way/Insight: Happiness is elusive and not guaranteed.

Irony: MOTIVATION: In the beginning, every character, including the main character, Jack, just wants to be “happy.” They are motivated by this pursuit. By the end of the story, they will realize that their motivation is not something that can be grasped or, it is only momentary. Jack’s need for happiness will dissolve… and he will embrace physical and emotional pain… knowing that these things too, are temporary. He will learn to live in the tension of both happiness and pain.

New Way/Insight: What constitutes good? What is your measure of morality and do you really meet that standard? What happens when you fail to live up to that standard – who will pardon you?

New Way/Insight: Our lives are not what we make it – and we can’t manipulate a god or The God – just like we can’t control the weather.

Irony: CREDIT: Jack strives for the treasure and gives up everything for it, but the irony is the coincidences and circumstances beyond his control that led him to it. He can’t take the credit for finding it. Rather, he can state confidently that the treasure found him.

New Way/Insight: This world is not enough. Something is wrong – something is missing. We will never be satisfied with the things the world can offer.

Irony: DEALS: Jack goes through incredible hardship and thinks he’s reached the pinnacle when he uncovers the fool’s gold (Explorer Jacques Cartier – thought Quartz was Diamond). The people who deal in this gold congratulate and encourage him to peddle it. But it’s worthless. When he comes to Land X – and sees the wasteland – it’s hard for him to believe that anything worthwhile could be buried there – but this is where the priceless treasure is.

New Way/Insight: We cannot be our own god and give lip service to the true God. We must constantly put to death our own will.

New Way/Insight: It’s in losing your life that you find true life.

Irony: WIN/LOSS: Though Jack has lost his wife, friends, and everything he owns, he’s gained a priceless treasure.

New Way/Insight: We all fall short – are wretched and unworthy of anything good and need forgiveness. It is the most precious treasure and worth more than all the wealth this world can hold.

Irony: IDENTITY: Jack has discovered the priceless treasure – this is his new identity – he no longer cares for the affection, praise, or affirmation of his wife/friends. (the very thing he wanted and hoped this quest would bring him)

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Delivers Insights Through Conflict

What I learned… First, while watching Terminator, I finally understood what Hal meant when he explains that these profound moments are built into the script yet are incredibly subtle. If we did not know what the writer was doing, we’d miss them entirely. About this assignment: I found it incredibly difficult and uncomfortable… probably my perfectionism rearing its ugly head. I will get better at this. Not sure what I will use/keep, but there may be a gem or two in there.

New Way/Insight: What we do/don’t do impacts the lives of those around us.

· Jack and Eva argue over her shoe collection which reveals Eva’s dissatisfaction with Jack’s income. (Eva needs to stop spending vs. Jack needs to start earning)

· Jack, frustrated with his father who has left a big mess, is tempted to burn down the house.

· When Jack visits one of his associates for help, the person is completely distracted because Jack arrived during her soap opera.

· While Jack digs for treasure in Y, Able also digs and is inadvertently filling Jack’s hole.

· Jack is so ornery after his disappointment over the fool’s gold that the man from X is reluctant to offer any help.

New Way/Insight: Happiness is elusive and not guaranteed.

· Able asks random people to buy him lottery tickets (instead of beer or cigarettes)

· Bram throws a tantrum over the ice cream he’s served, but what he rants about is how he feels his life is wasted.

· By the time Jack and Able make it to X, all their tools are either missing or destroyed. They have to get new stuff but they have no resources to do so.

· Jack’s new car is a lemon.

· Eva refuses to believe Jack found a priceless treasure – revealing she never believed in him – it was all lip service. Jack is devastated.

New Way/Insight: What constitutes good? What is your measure of morality and do you really meet that standard? What happens when you fail to live up to that standard – who will pardon you?

· Jack and Eva argue over what a decent income is.

· Someone steals Ables’s equipment and justifies it because they need it more than him.

· When Jack admits to Bram his culpability in Bram’s accident, Bram doesn’t know what he’s talking about and can’t offer him forgiveness.

· Jack is amazed to see the people profiting from fool’s gold – the racket they’ve set up to sell it… the deception they peddle.

· Jack forces Able into a dangerous situation that almost gets Able killed. Jack risks his own life to save him, now they are both in danger. Who will save them?

New Way/Insight: Our lives are not what we make it – and we can’t manipulate a god or The God – just like we can’t control the weather.

· Jack looks back on his journey and realizes it was accidents and coincidences that brought him to the treasure – not anything triumphant or heroic that he did.

· Bram rages at a storm that keeps him from going outside for a walk.

· Eva manipulates Jack to get more money – but comes up empty.

· When Jack and Able finally find the priceless treasure, they are unable to take it.

· Jack is humbled when he receives unmerited favor from person X – who tells him exactly what he needs to do to find the treasure. X is the one person he hasn’t helped or manipulated in some way.

New Way/Insight: This world is not enough. Something is wrong – something is missing. We will never be satisfied with the things the world can offer.

· Jack and Able are hungry and can’t find enough to eat or drink.

· Eva, after a night of partying, wakes up with a hangover and then must go to work.

· Jack tries to appease Eva with more gifts – but she’s never satisfied.

· Bram has a hard time eating his favorite meal and can’t keep food down.

· Bram is just a shallow hull of what he used to be. Jack sees and mourns this.

New Way/Insight: We cannot be our own god and give lip service to the true God. We must constantly put to death our own will.

· The people in Y say one thing yet do another – they give false information and don’t keep their promises to Jack and Able – which leaves them destitute.

· When Able almost dies, Jack admits that he uses people to get ahead – even sacrificing the life of his own son.

· Jack is ready to burn the map and return home – till X takes pity on him and stops him and shows him how to read it.

· Jade, an associate who was highly skeptical of the mission, has “followed” Jack and Able – just in case they were on to something. Jade tries to buy the land away from Jack when the treasure is discovered – but can’t. (False friend)

· Eva talks about being loyal to her family – but in the end, turns on them to preserve her way of life.

New Way/Insight: It’s in losing your life that you find true life.

· Jack is accused of being crazy, ridiculed, and humiliated for selling off everything to buy a worthless piece of property.

· Jack gives up his very last resource (and the treasure) to save Able, his son. Or maybe he even gives up Able to get the treasure.

· Able is falsely accused of stealing the fool’s gold – it helps him realize he never wanted it.

· Jack realizes that he’s not going to compete for Eva’s affection/trust anymore. He must let her go.

· Bram stops fighting with Jack over his stuff – he lets him go.

New Way/Insight: We all fall short – are wretched and unworthy of anything good and need forgiveness. It is the most precious treasure and worth more than all the wealth this world can hold.

· Jack is desperate to save his son and realizes his actions mirror those of a beggar on a street.

· Jack returns to his father, Bram, after his plans go awry, and asks for his forgiveness.

· After Jack finds the fool’s gold, he goes to Eva with his tail between his legs, but she offers no forgiveness, humiliates him, and forces him to try again.

· When Jade proves to be a false friend and her plans are thwarted, Jack offers her forgiveness, but she is unwilling to accept it. Or maybe she accepts it, but pretends she doesn’t need it.

· Jack insists on taking Bram with him to see the newly found treasure – it will be a difficult journey for Bram, but he’s willing to go.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Seabiscuit Analysis

What I learned… First, I was surprised that there were so many Profound Moments in this movie… I counted 26! These actions/metaphors make the insights powerful and memorable.

PM: Howard working on spokes, says to the boss, “They ought to make a better spoke,” the boss replies, “Then what would you do?”

• A challenge that leads to Howard opening his own bike shop

PM: Smith lassos a wild horse

• Skill, timing, bravery

PM: Howard takes a car apart and puts it back together – starts selling cars.

• A profound insight into the kind of man he is; fearless, forward-thinking.

PM: Smith comes to a barbed wire fence and sees a car coming up the road.

• He’s confronted with the future; not horses, but cars

PM: Howard takes the horses out of the stalls and moves the cars in

• The future!

PM: Smith tames a wild horse.

• A profound insight into his character

PM: Red is riding the horse beautifully. Dad says, “That’s the poetry.”

• A metaphor of truth and beauty

PM: After Howard’s son dies, the cars in the stall get locked away.

• A metaphor for grief – no future

PM: Red in a boxing match gets knocked out.

• Metaphor – he’s down and out.

PM: Marcella and Howard ride horses together

• Metaphor of a new hope

PM: Howard meets Smith for the first time:

H: Will he race?

S: No.

H: Why are you fixing him?

S: Cuz I can. Every horse is good for something… you don’t throw a whole life away just cuz he’s banged up a little.

• Profound meaning of the movie.

PM: Smith looks for a rider and sees Red fighting

• The two are made for each other.

PM: Smith watches Red ride Seabiscuit for the first time – it’s shaky – he says “He’s just gotta learn how to be a horse again.”

• Faith in what he knows is there.

PM: Smith has Seabiscuit run “till he stops”. Red is exultant “You’re an amazing animal.”

• Sees what Smith sees – potential.

PM: Howard encourages Red to eat his soup.

• Someone cares for Red – he’s not alone anymore, he’s part of a family (at the dining table like he used to be with his mom and dad and siblings.)

PM: The stable is unlocked and the cars are removed.

• A new beginning – making way for the horse.

PM: Red “He fouled me!”. Howard “Son, what are you so mad at?” Red remembers his pain – loss of family – yet he keeps his books. Asks for money to go to the dentist.

• Healing

PM: Red rides out onto the track and says to reporters: “Tho he be but little, he is fierce… that’s Shakespeare boys!” The reporters love it.

• A melding of his two worlds

PM: Red loses a race cuz he’s blind in one eye. Smith wants to get rid of him (Smith’s integrity can’t abide a liar). Howard says “You don’t get rid of someone just cuz he’s banged up a little bit.

• Teaching Smith his own lesson (payoff)

PM: Howard waits for news on Red’s surgery while playing the boys’ game (as he did when he was grieving the loss of his son.)

• This is personal. Red is like a son to him.

PM: After coaching George on how to ride Seabiscuit, Red tells him “It’s not in his feet… it’s right here.”

• The heart – the will to win (he’s passing this information to George, who has yet to believe)

PM: George follows instructions, though he doubts, but then says “so long Charlie” and turns Seabiscuit loose. They win the race against War Admiral.

• George believes. They all are winners.

PM: Red fills his plate and eats, “what?” (when they stare at him.)

• Feeling good, getting stronger, confidence

Then – he doesn’t eat as much.

• Getting ready to ride again.

PM: Howard talking to George about letting Red ride again, ‘It’s better to break a man’s leg than his heart.”

• George knows how much this means to Red – that he needs another chance to ride/win.

PM: Howard doesn’t want Red to die – he pulls out the boys game, Marcella says “the ball won’t stay in the hole.”

• Howard can’t control what happens to Red – so just let him go.

PM: Red’s V.O. “You know everybody thinks we found this broken-down horse and fixed him. But we didn’t. He fixed us – every one of us… and I guess in a way, we kind of fixed each other, too.”

• This is the profound message of the movie.

Deb Turns Insights into Action

What I learned… In trying to be more specific (rather than general), I used my mini-movie outline as a reference to find specific spots to brainstorm. I used each section as a jumping off point to insert an action that represented a new way/insight. I realize this is obvious to anyone taking this course, but I wasn’t doing it before. I think most of these exercises (again) are forcing me to commit to the story, rather than vacillate.

New Way/Insight: What we do/don’t do impacts the lives of those around us.

· Jack opens a closet and is literally buried in Bram’s junk.

· Another large credit card bill is an incentive for Jack to go treasure hunting again.

· Though Jade, an associate of Jack’s, discourages him from seeking the treasure, Jack’s enthusiasm lights a spark in Jade, and she has renewed interest in caring for her plants.

· Jack’s inability to read the map correctly leads them to dig in the wrong place.

· The map expert from X patiently shows Jack how to read the map (which leads to success).

· Jack does something (or doesn’t do something) which puts his son, Ables’s life, in grave danger.

· Jack does something (or doesn’t do something) to save Able.

· Eva doesn’t believe the treasure exists and Jack must work around her to buy the land.

New Way/Insight: Happiness is elusive and not guaranteed.

· Bram, reflecting on all his memorabilia/nostalgia, weeps.

· Daze, Jack’s associate, is insanely rich and successful, but miserable.

· Jack and Able are initially elated at finding a treasure, but soon realize it’s fool’s gold.

· Jack finds the treasure but realizes he can’t take it home.

· Jack is met with disdain and mockery when he tells others about the treasure (he longs for their approval)

New Way/Insight: What constitutes good? What is your measure for morality and do you really meet that standard? What happens when you fail to live up to that standard – who will pardon you?

· Jack wants to atone for his inability to provide for his family and his failure with his dad.

· Able thinks the treasure will heal his broken family – but in searching for it, it will break him.

· Bram believes his life has been wasted and doesn’t know what to do about it.

· One of Jack’s associates is incarcerated but denies any wrongdoing (despite ample evidence)

· The people of Y are convinced that fool’s gold is the only gold there is and refuse to see past it.

· When Jack is confronted with the vast wasteland – it’s almost impossible for him to believe something good could be buried there.

· Eva refuses to see that her spending has contributed to their troubles – and she has no faith in her husband to make the right decisions. She continues to put her faith in her stuff.

· Somehow the treasure represents forgiveness and healing.

New Way/Insight: Our lives are not what we make it – and we can’t manipulate a god or The God – just like we can’t control the weather.

· A storm knocks out the electricity and Jack sorts his dad’s stuff with the help of candles and flashlights.

· On a very hot day, Bram (who never takes his coat off for any reason) takes off his coat.

· Time has worn out the notes that Bram took – they are not clear, and neither is his memory – this makes it difficult for Jack to put the pieces together

· The weather in Y is perfect and they have no trouble finding the fool’s gold.

· Jack has always bargained/manipulated his way out of trouble, but after finding the fool’s gold, he’s run out of options and must trust the advice of X – even though it’s contrary to what he believes is true.

New Way/Insight: This world is not enough. Something is wrong – something is missing. We will never be satisfied with the things the world can offer.

· Jack confronts Eva on her massive collection of shoes.

· Jack questions Bram on his massive collection of relics/junk.

· Able can’t get enough rocks for his rock collection.

· Daze has it all yet wants more.

· The people of Y are fake and superficial.

· The people of X have nothing but are satisfied.

New Way/Insight: We cannot be our own god and give lip service to the true God. We must constantly put to death our own will.

· As the story progresses, Jack will give up something significant in his life, finally giving up the car he cherishes the most.

· Able sells his rock collection.

· Bram has an estate sale.

· Eva refuses to sell anything.

· When Jack has a chance to make money on fool’s gold, he refuses.

New Way/Insight: It’s in losing your life that you find true life.

· Jack cannot obtain the treasure unless he gives up everything.

· Bram pares down trees for them to grow.

· When Jack gives up the old way of reading maps – he can read the map and find the treasure.

· Able essentially dies and comes back to life.

New Way/Insight: We all fall short – are wretched and unworthy of anything good and need forgiveness. It is the most precious treasure and worth more than all the wealth this world can hold.

· Someone gets super offended when they say they are sorry for something and the other person says “I forgive you.” They think the person should have just said “It’s ok.”

· Someone makes a mistake and hurts someone. They are sorry and say so. The offended person immediately forgives the person – but the person still feels bad and can’t believe the offended person would offer forgiveness – because they are used to people holding things against them or extracting some sort of revenge.

· Someone reluctantly offers forgiveness with conditions. “You did this, and I forgive you, but don’t ever do it again.”

· A man is having his blood pressure taken and someone tells him he is forgiven. His blood pressure immediately lowers.

· A crippled man receives forgiveness and can walk again.

· Eva’s hairdresser misses her appointment (she forgot to write it down). Eva is furious and demands retribution for the time she spent waiting – expects a free haircut. Or she just dismisses her hairdresser and never makes an appointment with her again.

· Jack’s dear friend ghosted him, and he hasn’t heard from him in years. All of a sudden, he shows up and Jack has to make a choice – either forgive him and accept him back in his life – or reject him forever.

· Eva constantly reminds Jack of past arguments and mistakes he’s made (I forgive you, but I don’t)

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Living Metaphors

What I learned… I think I did assignment 10 with a vague, general sense of how things might play out (which maybe was a little too broad). For today’s assignment, I tried to be more specific – concentrating only on my main character. Again, it’s not about being perfect or profound, it’s in learning how to challenge the old ways in my story through “living metaphors” and “should work but doesn’t.” I also went back and reviewed/revised my original structure – this helped me see the story clearly again, which helped with the brainstorming.

Old: Narcissism: My behavior is an expression of myself and does not affect those around me. There are no consequences.

Challenge: What we do/don’t do impacts the lives of those around us.

Brainstorm ideas (How it might play out in my story)

Should work but doesn’t: Every time Jack does something selfish or self-serving it backfires.

Living metaphor: Jack’s father, Bram is a living metaphor of an accident – Jack’s actions unintentionally cripple Bram for life. Bram’s injury is a direct consequence of Jack’s actions.

Old: My happiness is everything.

Challenge: Happiness is elusive and not guaranteed.

Brainstorm ideas (How it might play out in my story)

Should work but doesn’t: Jack finds that everything that used to satisfy him (act 1) has become a burden to him. Or what he thought would make him happy doesn’t.

Living metaphor: The object of Jack’s quest (what he thinks will make him happy) is clouded in darkness and obscurity (a vast wasteland) – a place where he doesn’t think happiness can be found.

Old: It is enough to be a good person and live a moral life and do good works.

Challenge: What constitutes good? What is your measure of morality and do you really meet that standard? What happens when you fail to live up to that standard – who will pardon you?

Brainstorm ideas (How it might play out in my story)

Should work but doesn’t: Jack does a good deed for someone but is met with disdain. Jack keeps the rules but doesn’t get rewarded.

Living metaphor: Jack’s vehicle (which he meticulously cares for) breaks down and will not run.

Old: To get what I want, I must appease the higher powers with my thoughts, words, and actions.

Challenge: Our lives are not what we make it – and we can’t manipulate a god or The God – just like we can’t control the weather.

Brainstorm ideas (How it might play out in my story)

Should work but doesn’t: Jack looks to his superiors for approval, he usually gets the go-ahead for everything he wants to do – but for this quest – he is met with resistance and rejection. Also – his altruism has left him poor.

Living metaphor: Jack literally makes an idol out of (???) and “prays” to it – but something happens and the idol is destroyed. (In other words, what he puts his hope in is shown to be fallible).

Old: The things of this world are enough and satisfy all my needs – if I can just obtain them.

Challenge: This world is not enough. Something is wrong – something is missing. We will never be satisfied with the things the world can offer.

Brainstorm ideas (How it might play out in my story)

Should work but doesn’t: Jack’s relationship with his wife slowly deteriorates.

Living metaphor: Jack’s father – who was once strong and vibrant – is now disabled and dependent.

Old: To maintain my belief in God and my success in this world, I must live a double life – acknowledging God to get what I want, but doing what pleases me with no regard for God’s will.

Challenge: We cannot be our own god and give lip service to the true God. We must constantly put to death our own will.

Brainstorm ideas (How it might play out in my story)

Should work but doesn’t: Jack manipulates others through gifts and flattery but what he obtains is fool’s gold.

Living metaphor: One leg of his journey will be in a boat where he will encounter a storm; his boat will be “a wave on the sea, blown and tossed by the wind” – precarious and unstable.

Old: If I give up my wants, needs, and will, I will lead a dull, unfulfilled life, and then I will die.

Challenge: It’s in losing your life that you find true life.

Brainstorm ideas (How it might play out in my story)

Should work but doesn’t: Jack will do anything to save his own “skin” but when his son’s life is in danger, he must sacrifice himself to save him.

Living metaphor: The people Jack meets in the desolate place live rich, deep, and vibrant lives.

Old: I do not sin; therefore, I do not need to be forgiven.

Challenge: We all fall short – are wretched and unworthy of anything good and need forgiveness. It is the most precious treasure and worth more than all the wealth this world can hold.

Brainstorm ideas (How it might play out in my story)

Should work but doesn’t: Jack’s unwillingness to confess his sin blinds him and keeps him from making progress on his journey. He finds himself right back where he started.

Living metaphor: Jack’s son Able has a hamster that runs on a wheel… always running but never getting anywhere. Or – one of Jack’s associates (who he goes to for help) is incarcerated, yet, despite overwhelming evidence, claims his innocence.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Counterexamples

What I learned… Not sure if I did this assignment correctly because it’s super long and seems disjointed. It’s just a lot of guessing, with no real conclusion. I was able to brainstorm many questions/counterexamples.

Old: Narcissism: my behavior is an expression of myself and does not affect those around me. There are no consequences.

Challenge: What we do/don’t do impacts the lives of those around us.

(5) Questions:

Shall we consider the butterfly effect?

Do you live on a deserted island?

Have you ever had to wait for someone who was taking too long, or been annoyed for one reason or another by someone else? If so – than actions DO have consequences.

What happens when someone else’s “expression” interferes with yours?

Do you believe in gravity? (For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction)

If someone depends on you for something, are you obligated to them in any way?

(5) Counterexamples (dialogue, experience, or character):

Experience: people waiting in a long line at a store behind a patron who is as slow as molasses (rethinking her purchases, talking on the phone, getting a different product)

Experience: A child gets a hold of a gun or poison because a parent doesn’t secure it properly

Experience: A pedestrian who gets hit by a careless driver

Character: A frazzled woman who is worn out from accommodating the narcissist in her life

Character: A partner who has cared for their sick spouse ends up dying before the sick person.

Character: A character who constantly helps those around her; visits the sick (brings soup or flowers), donates to the needy, gives encouraging words – and her actions affect those around her in a positive way.

How it might play out in my story:

My main character is a “quiet” narcissist – he’s not obnoxious, but he believes that everyone should do what they want and follow their own convictions. However, his own negligent actions have killed or hurt someone he loves – but he refuses to take the blame for it. (This will change.)

Also – there would be another character who does good deeds and helps others (maybe out of wrong motives?) but it’s obvious that his/her actions impact others for good.

Old: My happiness is everything.

Challenge: Happiness is illusive and not guaranteed.

(5) Questions:

Have you ever read the book of Ecclesiastes?

What is your measure of happiness? No trouble? More money? More power? More wisdom? More fun?

People in insane asylums laugh too.

Why do we define ourselves by what we lack?

Who pays when you are not happy?

(5) Counterexamples (dialogue, experience or character):

Experience: Someone who seems to “have it all” commits suicide

Experience: A mother who gives a child everything to make them happy and yet the child is a spoiled brat… or ends up strung out on drugs.

Experience: A man happily begins a renovation on his house – and a wall falls on him and he dies.

Character: A person who is very sad, yet content

Character: A person who is poor, weak, and dependent, yet doesn’t try to (or can’t) change his situation.

How it might play out in my story: The main character has everything – riches, power, fame, yet it’s not enough. This is countered by his father who is poor, weak and dependent, yet is at peace.

Or – maybe the main character has just enough – food, clothes, home, family – but feels like he’s lacking. And then his spouse is content to live with what she has – or maybe she is just as discontent and urges her husband to be/have/get more.

Old: It is enough to be a good person and live a moral life and do good works.

Challenge: What constitutes good? What is your measure for morality and do you really meet that standard? What happens when you fail to live up to that standard – who will pardon you?

(5) Questions:

Define good.

What constitutes morality? Do you believe in an absolute God who would dictate such? Or do you have your own standard?

Can ‘good’ and ‘morality’ be arbitrary and based on what I deem them to be?

What happens when what I define as good is different from what you define as good? (same with morality)

If there are no absolutes – does it really matter if I do good things or live a moral life?

(5) Counterexamples (dialogue, experience or character):

Counterexamples:

Experience: A gift is given to someone who doesn’t value it.

Experience: a child being forced to brush his teeth or eat vegetables

Experience: A person steals because they don’t believe you have the right to your property.

Experience: A person sets a high standard to follow goodness and morality (10 good deeds a day) but falls short (only does nine).

Character: A person who is immoral and mean – yet is happy and content.

Character: a person who goes around letting everyone know how other people personally injured, upset or hurt them in some way. Or someone who is highly offended all the time.

Character: Someone who does good deeds but only as a quid pro quo.

How it might play out in my story: I like the idea of someone who thinks they are good, moral, and just but are looking for something in return. I also like the idea of a highly offended character – you can’t say or do anything right. These are extremes that might play off well in a minor character or a subplot.

Another way: Perhaps the main character of the story gives his child a birthday present, and the kid hates it and says “what you think is good is not what I think is good”.

Old: To get what I want, I must appease the higher powers with my thoughts, words, and actions.

Challenge: Our lives are not what we make it – and we can’t manipulate a god or The God – just like we can’t control the weather.

(5) Questions:

Do you worship a god you created with your hands?

Is your god too busy to hear your plea? Perhaps he’s in the bathroom or you need to talk louder?

Does your god demand that you kill, steal or lie to get what you want? It that okay with you if you get what you want?

What if you did everything perfectly, followed all the rules, did all the assignments, dotted all the I’s, crossed all the t’s and STILL didn’t get what you wanted. Would that be fair?

Let’s say you finally ascended Mt. Everest and reached the pinnacle – is that the end of life for you?

Can you control the weather? The traffic lights? Your two-year-old? A puppy?

(5) Counterexamples (dialogue, experience or character):

Experience: A person of prayer who lights candles, prays, and does penitential acts – yet their loved one for whom they pray, dies, or gets worse.

Experience: An entire church prays for days to raise a little girl from the dead – but she is not resurrected.

Experience: A person who does absolutely nothing of value wins the lottery and lives like a slob.

Experience: someone thinks they follow a recipe perfectly, but the dish doesn’t turn out

Character: Someone who was born with an incurable disease and must live with it.

Character: A high achiever who succumbs to dementia/Alzheimer’s

How it might play out in my story: It think this might play out in how someone plans a perfect day – an outdoor picnic – but it is ruined by rain. And maybe my main character – who through his actions severely injured someone – and then he prays, and the person doesn’t get better – so he rejects his god. Or maybe someone makes a cake, and it doesn’t turn out, and they are outraged/disappointed.

Old: The things of this world are enough and satisfy all my needs – if I can just obtain them.

Challenge: This world is not enough. Something is wrong – something is missing. We will never be satisfied with the things the world can offer.

(5) Questions:

Are our bodies more than just meat and drink?

What constitutes enough and what is gluttony?

Is hedonism the answer?

When you look around, do you see a world that is at peace or a world that is fractured?

If the world is fractured, how, then will you find peace?

(5) Counterexamples (dialogue, experience or character):

Experience: A lovely snowflake is a part of a frozen, uninhabitable tundra.

Experience: The lulling waves of the ocean holds the same riptide that will take you down and drown you.

Experience: The imperfection in any relationship

Character: A hoarder

Character: A hedonist

How it might play out in my story: I think the environment/setting for the story is going to play a big role in this – maybe in the normal world (act 1) things are set up as good – the beauty of a snowflake, or the ocean, or any number of things in nature… but in (act 2) these will prove to be deadly and/or disappointing in some way.

Old: To maintain my belief in God and my success in this world, I must live a double life – acknowledging God to get what I want, but doing what pleases me with no regard for God’s will.

Challenge: We cannot be our own god and give lip service to the true God. We must constantly put to death our own will.

(5) Questions:

Is a double-minded man stable?

What makes a person phony?

When push comes to shove, what side will you stand on?

If you can’t stand a phony – why is it okay for you to be this way?

(5) Counterexamples (dialogue, experience or character):

Character: a person who says what they mean and means what they say

Experience: A tree rooted in good soil that produces good fruit

Experience: a world class athlete that is extremely disciplined and denies themselves of vice in order to win

Experience: a boat tosses to and fro on the waves – and it finally capsizes

Character: Someone with a split personality (the extreme)

How it might play out in my story: I like the idea of contrasting two people in the extreme – someone who maybe has a “split personality” and put them next to someone who leads a double life – to show how they are the same. Also – a good tree is a good environmental example – and could be something to contrast from act 1 to act 2.

Old: If I give up my wants, needs, and will, I will lead a dull, unfulfilled life, and then I will die.

Challenge: It’s in losing your life that you find true life.

(5) Questions:

Is everything that feels good, good for you?

Is what we want the same thing as what we need?

What if you gave everything to your “cause” and your “cause” ended up coming to nothing?

Is death really the end?

Why do we associate “dull” with something we’ve never tried?

Is it possible to find fulfillment by looking outward instead of looking inward?

(5) Counterexamples (dialogue, experience or character):

Experience: someone loses a job but gets a better one

Experience: a woman fulfilled with being a mom

Experience: a dad who’s home is his castle – and he is king

Character: someone who sacrifices his life so another can live (Carton gives his life for Darnay)

Character: A man who gives up everything

Experience: someone who gets exactly what they want and it turns out to be the worst thing for them

How it might play out in my story: I think this might be the conclusion of my story – when the main character finally realizes that he can’t get his hand out of the jar if he doesn’t let go of what’s inside. He has to live his life with an open hand – not grasping – but receiving with thanks what he has already been given.

Old: I do not sin; therefore, I do not need to be forgiven.

Challenge: We all fall short – are wretched and unworthy of anything good and need forgiveness. It is the most precious treasure and worth more than all the wealth this world can hold.

(5) Questions:

If you haven’t sinned, have you ever tried to be or do any good for others? Is that easy?

Is it possible or impossible to keep the law?

Why is it so hard for us to admit when we’re wrong?

What is the difference between a mistake and sin?

(5) Counterexamples (dialogue, experience or character):

Character: someone who is constantly sinning/stepping on toes/hurting others and owns it, but isn’t troubled by it.

Experience: kids on a playground – intentionally or accidentally hurting someone and then receiving forgiveness from their victim

Character: someone who is completely honest about their failures and shortcomings without excuse or pretense.

Character: someone who does something they are sorry for – but tries to make up for it by doing something “good”. Like someone is having an affair – but they go out and buy a Prius. Or someone is a thief, but they donate blood all the time.

Experience: someone carries a heavy load and the load is taken from them – they are free

How it might play out in my story: This is one of those tricky pillars that’s going to take a constant attack throughout the screenplay to topple. I may use all of the counterexamples and maybe come up with some more. The point is 1) To get my main character to admit that he’s a sinner (yes – sinner – not a person who makes mistakes, no a victim of circumstance.) and then 2) be able to ask for and receive forgiveness for that sin (how I do this visually, I do not know – “what’s easier to see – your sins are forgiven or take up your bed and walk?” Perhaps this priceless treasure is the restoration of health – which is synonymous with his forgiveness… like the drug dealer who’s been shot and paralyzed and as he heals, his friends bring him for treatment to the chiropractor – and they all stand and watch the chiropractor make the adjustments – but then one day they realize that there is someone who can actually heal their friend/boss – so they take the lame man to Him and he heals him (AND forgives his sins).

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s 12 Angry Men Analysis

What I learned… All the Old Ways were presented clearly and then, one by one, refuted. Not necessarily in order and all at once – but in a roundabout way – that came back to challenge the assumptions. The last pillar to fall was the man with a personal vendetta against his own son – but it took the clarity of the other arguments to make way for this last and most stubborn. Also – the matter of racism was tough – and was addressed throughout the entire movie.

Assumption of guilt: 11 men were confident as the evidence was presented in court that the man was guilty. “an open and shut case”.

Challenge: what does “reasonable doubt” mean? “Let’s stay and talk it out… don’t rush” Could the evidence as presented be wrong? “No man can declare a man guilty unless, they are sure.”

Just want this over: “tickets to ball game” – considered a waste of time to debate.

Challenge: “We’re talking about a person’s life… let’s sit for an hour.”

Not caring: “I’ll lose my voice.” And then 6 changes his vote so he can leave.

Challenge: “lose your voice here or at the ballgame – it only takes a second (to examine the evidence).

“What if it was you on trial?”

“You can’t play like this with a man’s life, have the guts to vote your conscience.”

Prejudice: racist comments: “that’s the way they are.” “they’re no good”, “they’re dangerous.”

Challenge: You believe the witness who is “that kind” but you don’t believe the accused.

(all turn away to reject the racism) “now sit down and don’t open your mouth again.”

“Personal prejudice obscures the truth.”

Facts should determine the case – not the race/class of the accused.

“We have nothing to gain or lose by deciding – don’t make it personal.”

Not looking beneath the surface: taking testimony at face value, assuming the man was guilty because of his rough upbringing – a delinquent, abused by his father… “violence is a way of life.”

Challenge: One of the jurors lived in a slum… and he did not follow a path of violence.

Assuming the evidence is not questionable: The knife was unique; the stab wound was plausible.

The accused, at the time of questioning couldn’t remember the names of the movies.

Challenge: Davis produced an identical knife with little effort. Juror showed how a switchblade was used – different from the way the murder was committed.

The juror was questioned in the same manner and couldn’t remember the details of the movie he saw – and he wasn’t under duress.

Assuming the witnesses were accurate: Woman saw the murder, identified the man. Old man heard the murder and saw the man.

Challenge: Both witnesses were discredited; proved woman wore glasses and couldn’t see, also proved old man couldn’t have heard and was too slow to get to the door in time.

Assuming the Defense Attorney did his job: they had more confidence in the prosecutor than they did in the defense attorney.

Challenge: maybe he didn’t do a good job – why didn’t he try harder? He was court-appointed and maybe he didn’t care because it wouldn’t help his career.

Assuming the case is completely logical: 11 men assumed this.

Challenge: Could the witness/evidence be wrong? “This isn’t an exact science.”

Deb’s Old Ways Challenge Chart

What I learned… This was a good exercise to flesh out all my “old ways.” It was helpful to watch “12 Angry Men” to first see how the Old Ways were presented and challenged. What I came up with are more like arguments and rebuttals, so, it will be interesting to see how I will shape these into my story with concrete images.

Old: Narcissism: my behavior is an expression of myself and does not affect those around me. There are no consequences.

Challenge: What we do/don’t do impacts the lives of those around us.

Old: My happiness is everything.

Challenge: Happiness is elusive and not guaranteed.

Old: It is enough to be a good person and live a moral life and do good works.

Challenge: What constitutes good? What is your measure of morality and do you really meet that standard? What happens when you fail to live up to that standard – who will pardon you?

Old: To get what I want, I must appease the higher powers with my thoughts, words, and actions.

Challenge: Our lives are not what we make it – and we can’t manipulate a god – just like we can’t control the weather.

Old: The things of this world are enough and satisfy all my needs – if I can just obtain them.

Challenge: This world is not enough. Something is wrong – something is missing. We will never be satisfied with the things the world can offer.

Old: To maintain my belief in God and my success in this world, I must live a double life – acknowledging God to get what I want, but doing what pleases me with no regard for God’s will.

Challenge: We cannot be our own god and give lip service to the true God. We must constantly put to death our own will.

Old: If I give up my wants, needs, and will, I will lead a dull, unfulfilled life, and then I will die.

Challenge: It’s in losing your life that you find true life.

Old: I do not sin; therefore, I do not need to be forgiven.

Challenge: We all fall short – are wretched and unworthy of anything good and need forgiveness. It is the most precious treasure and worth more than all the wealth this world can hold.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Profound Ending

What I learned doing this assignment: I feel like Hal is tricking me into committing to concrete images and ideas when I would rather leave all this safely in my imagination. It’s difficult to flesh these things out – especially when I’m just beginning to know my characters. However, I understand the importance of knowing where I’m going before I get there… so creating a profound ending is profoundly important. I did brainstorm on day one and then looked everything over on day two and picked what resonated most.

A. Profound Truth

The Christian Church, which offers forgiveness of sins, is a priceless treasure.

(as expressed as a metaphor)

Delivered powerfully in the end:

• On the surface are gold and pearls and precious jewels, but the deeper you go, the vaster and more beautiful it becomes. Jack realizes he could spend a lifetime just walking through it.

B. The Change

“How does their ending represent the change they’ve made in a powerful way?” Or “What was the change this movie is about and how does that show up when your lead characters conclude the journey?”

• Jack is incredibly concerned about what his wife and friends think/believe. The final scene is him throwing off that concern – an “I don’t give a damn.” Moment.

C. Payoff Key Setups

• In the beginning, we see how important Jack’s wife and friends are to him. They represent everything that is good in his life. We also see how important his riches and leisure are to him. He has one thing that he values most of all (his car? His boat? A jewel?) In the end – we see him sell this thing with abandon – he could care less about any of it – because what he’s found is worth so much more.

• Answers to: Will Jack and Eva stay together? How will Jack find the treasure? What will Jack’s friends do to stop him? Is Bram crazy or is he a fool or does he have true wisdom? Is there a chance for Jack to find the treasure and then reject it… because he knows how much it will cost him?

D. Surprising but inevitable

• Jack and Eva have a strong relationship, but we see it weaken over time… we think that they will overcome everything. However, it is Jack who has changed and Eva is going to stand her ground. Their separation is inevitable – but we know Jack is committed to her and will move mountains to win her back – buy her back if needed. So in the end – they are divided, but we know Jack will win her back.

• Jack’s friends discourage him and block him at every turn (they think they are helping him). In the end, they all abandon him. We think Jack will remain loyal to his friends, but he doesn’t.

E. LEAVE US WITH A PROFOUND PARTING IMAGE/LINE

What final image or line can express this powerfully?

• Jack finds that in the buying/obtaining it is he who has been saved/bought.

• Some sort of imagery that Jack is being born again – that he is starting over in this new life/world.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Connection with the Audience

What I learned… Trying to connect with the audience helped me put some flesh on these bony characters. I also realized, if this story is going to work, I’d need to have my Change Agent character actually be living and breathing.

Intentionally creating a connection with:

Change Agent: Bram Roe; Jack’s father.

Transformational Character: Jack Roe; Bram’s son.

Jack Roe:

Relatability:

Jack is finally going to tackle his father’s basement, which is full of junk. He’s hired a Junk Removal company, but before they arrive, he’s got to sort through what’s important and what’s not.

Intrigue:

The question: What is this priceless treasure? Is it real? Can it be found? How will it be found?

Empathy:

Jack must delicately handle his father who is disabled and has dementia. He loves his father but must walk a fine line with the role reversal.

Likability:

Jack has a light touch as he loves and cares for his family. The quest means nothing to him (at first) but he takes it on because it means so much to his father, son, and wife.

Bram Roe:

At first, Bram was dead, and just left behind clues and a notebook for Jack. HOWEVER, it’s probably important that they interact in some way – so I’ve decided to resurrect Bram and make him disabled and suffering from dementia. (Jack is responsible for Bram being in a wheelchair.)

Relatability:

Bram is a huge collector of nostalgia. He’s kept everything from his youth on up.

Intrigue:

Why is Bram convinced the priceless treasure exists? Why hasn’t he found it?

Empathy:

Bram can, at one moment, be completely cogent and the next be lost. It’s difficult to watch him struggle.

Likability:

Bram has become like a child. Completely dependent on others for his care, however, he doesn’t let it bother him and takes most things in stride and with a sense of humor.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Transformational Structure

What I learned: It was interesting to see how assignments one through five shaped the story. I’ve never used the Mini-Movie Method and found it to be very helpful. This rough draft has great room for improvement, but it’s come a long way from ‘just a vague idea’!

Transformational Logline: A wealthy yet unsatisfied treasure hunter finds a priceless treasure in a vast wasteland and gives up everything to buy the land.

Main Characters:

Change Agent: Bram Roe, Jack’s father.

Transformational Character: Jack Roe

Emotional Gradient: Desired Change for Transformational Character, Jack Roe

Old ways: turned in on self, seeks his own happiness, thinks he can atone for past sins, status quo, God = tyrant

New Ways: realizes his own weakness, turns outward, receives forgiveness, realizes there’s more, God = forgiveness

MM1

Jackson Roe is a wealthy and successful archeologist/treasure hunter. He has his own museum, curated by his wife, Eva, and lends pieces to museums all over the world. His father, Bram, taught him the trade but later in life became an eccentric with wild ideas about a priceless treasure. Three years ago, was the last time they worked together; there was an accident and Bram was killed. Jackson feels responsible. Ever since then, Jackson has been depressed and dissatisfied with his work. As he’s looking through old stuff, he comes across notes and clues that his father left behind about the priceless treasure. (Call to Adventure)

Emotion: Excitement

Old Ways: turned in on self, just wants to be “happy”

MM2

Jackson is intrigued and realizes the possibilities but thinks it’s a wild goose chase. His wife encourages him to “get out there again.” His 12-year-old son, Able, is also itching for adventure and wants to go. Jackson feels that maybe going after the priceless treasure will be a way to make up for his father’s death. He has just enough information to get started. (Locks Him In)

Challenge: must make a life-changing decision

Weakness: Ignorance

Old ways: thinks good work will make up for past sin

MM3

Jackson and Able have a portion of a map, a notebook, and a few relics to begin their search. They go to Jackson’s associate, Jade, another seasoned professional who is highly skeptical of the mission. Jade examines the clues and says there is nothing to the quest and he should give it up. Two or three others, who also have some or little knowledge of the treasure, concur with Jade. They meet with one last associate, Daze, who is hostile to the whole idea. (Standard Ways Fail)

Emotion: Doubt

Challenge: realizes it’s going to take more resources than he’s spent and there is no guarantee

Weakness: puts too much weight on what others think

Old ways: ‘This is all there is.’

Oppression: lies, status quo, lentil soup vs. inheritance

MM4

Jackson and Able try to piece together clues based on the “failures” of past associates. Maybe if they do the opposite, they will have some luck. They don’t realize it, but they are reading the map upside down and backward. They travel to Y and start digging. The treasure they find is “fools gold.” Many people buy and sell this gold and they are offered some profit, but both Jackson and Able agree that this was not what they were looking for and are discouraged. (Plan Backfires)

MM5

The people at Y try to convince him that the fool’s gold is the real treasure and make it difficult for them to leave. Jackson reviews Bram’s notes and is convinced that there is something more. He meets another person from X who laughs at his map and shows him he’s reading it wrong. Normally, Jackson would scoff at such a notion because he’s prideful and a map expert, but he realizes that if he’s going to find the priceless treasure, he’s got to change his ways. (Decision to Change)

Emotion: Hope

Action: puts the map above his reason

Weakness: concern/worry over the unknown

New ways: realizes his own weakness.

MM 6

Jackson and Able set off for X. When he arrives, he’s devastated to find a vast desert… almost uninhabitable. They exhaust all their resources and Able is almost killed. Jack thinks this is punishment for his sin against his father. (Ultimate Failure)

Emotion: discouragement

Action: decides to give up

Challenge: confronted with a life-or-death decision

Weakness: self-doubt

Old ways: God is a demanding tyrant

MM7

Jackson gives up pursuing the priceless treasure to save Able. Somehow this reveals the last key to finding the treasure. He and his son marvel at it. It is also the very thing that represents forgiveness from Bram. The treasure, however, is immovable, especially in this wasteland. Jackson realizes he must buy the land to obtain the treasure. (Apparent Victory)

Emotion: Courage

Conflict: unable to communicate what he’s found

Weakness: overconfidence in how he will be received

New ways: God is forgiveness, will lose everything to gain

MM8

Jackson and Able return home to tell Eva about the treasure. Jackson does the math and realizes in order to buy the land, they have to sell everything they own. Eva is against it. She doesn’t believe the treasure is worth it. He must work around her and sell everything that belongs to him. He is ridiculed by everyone who knows him. Jackson and Able decide to make X inhabitable so others can share in the priceless treasure. (New Status Quo)

Emotion: Triumph

Conflict: rejection of wife/friends (considered a fool, just like his father)

Betraying character: wife – turns back

Weakness: on his own, must start over to build a new life

New ways: finds that in buying/obtaining this treasure that it is he who has been saved/bought

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Three Gradients

What I’ve learned… these assignments continue to push me out of my comfort zone (which is a good thing.) Filling in these gradients was simply my best guess and I look forward to seeing the pieces of the puzzle come together.

Desired Change

A. Excitement

B. A wealthy yet unsatisfied treasure hunter discovers his fathers’ old maps/notes and a personal letter that leads to a priceless treasure. His father was considered a fool and the man must decide if he will follow in his footsteps.

C. C: Must make a life-changing decision W: Ignorance

A. Doubt

B. After following the clues, he finds himself in a vast wasteland. He’s ill-equipped to travel this rough terrain.

C. C: all resources are exhausted/gone W: thinks he’s been on a fools’ errand

A. Hope

B. He meets someone who is experienced in the terrain and is given new resources. He is able to find the “X” that marks the spot.

C. C: learning to cope/explore foreign territory W: dependent on a guide

A. Discouragement

B. Finds the treasure but realizes that to obtain it, he must purchase the vast wasteland. He must give up all his wealth and possessions.

C. C: confronted with a ‘life’ or ‘death’ decision W: Self Doubt

A. Courage

B. Returns home to let his family know about the treasure. They don’t believe him and challenge him as he begins to sell off all his assets.

C. C: faces the rejection/challenges of family/peers W: overconfidence in how he will be received

A. Triumph

B. Buys the land and obtains the treasure

C. C: must create a new life for himself W: alone – on his own

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Lead Characters

What I learned… While it’s easy to see these characters in a completed puzzle, it’s a challenge to come up with your own! I think what helped me the most (aside from looking at the models) is to just go with my “best guess” as Hal put it. It takes the pressure off and gives me the freedom to move forward.

Logline: A wealthy yet defeated treasure hunter finds a priceless treasure in a vast wasteland and gives up everything to buy the land.

Change Agent: The Father. He was also a treasure hunter and was dismissed as a fool. He is no longer living, but he left notes and clues as to where he thought the treasure was hidden. It’s completely opposite to what common sense and “industry standards” would indicate. But he believed the treasure was out there and never gave up looking for it.

Transformable Character: The Son. He gave up on his father long ago and made a success of himself by pursuing other lucrative opportunities. But he becomes dissatisfied and after finding his father’s notes, decides to look for this elusive treasure.

The Oppression: The world that the son lives in encourages “status quo”, “settle”, and “it could be worse” personified by a humming media whose mantra is “this is all there is.” It encourages lives of ease and leisure and rewards those who don’t rock the boat.

The Betraying Character: The man’s wife. She is supportive to a certain extent and considers her husband “eccentric”. When she learns of a “priceless treasure” she encourages and even helps him. But the closer he gets, the worse it gets for her and their way of life… especially when he decides to purchase what appears to be a worthless piece of property with their life savings. She ends up turning on him.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Transformational Journey

What I learned… If I gave in to my perfectionism, I’d never decide – so glad these assignments force me to narrow down and commit – but also give me the option to change as needed. Also – these big picture “frame” questions were helpful in pinpointing what excites me about this particular story.

Logline: A wealthy yet defeated treasure hunter finds a priceless treasure in a vast wasteland and gives up everything to buy the land.

Old ways: weary, burdened by life, wears a “happy” mask, trusting in self, pursuits happiness

New ways: relaxed, weightless, guileless, acknowledges his depravity, selfless

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s First Three Decisions

What I learned doing this assignment is that this story could be told many ways and it’s okay if I don’t make the correct decision right away. My “truth” and “change” were difficult to define. I went through all the different scenarios to discover the “entertainment vehicle”. Unfortunately, I haven’t narrowed it down yet – I have three possible vehicles that could work… and all of them can be changed, that’s the beauty of it.

Profound Truth:

Attending a Christian church is one of the most essential things you can do in this life.

Which became: What you think you don’t need and don’t want could be the best thing for you.

Or: What may seem simple, dull, or unnecessary may actually be a complex structure with hidden depths and treasures.

Or: There’s more to what meets the eye.

Audience Change:

The audience now believes that a Christian church is a haven that can give forgiveness and life.

Or: There is a depth and beauty in the Christian church that is worth exploring.

Entertainment vehicle:

Metaphor:

Seeking for a hidden treasure in a dark world.

Someone who has something of great value but doesn’t realize it right away.

Eating a meal – good food vs. bad food OR no food vs. processed food vs. real food vs. a gourmet meal.

Pick a world:

Media: A documentary filmmaker goes on a quest to find out what the difference is between the many churches that can be found within a few miles of her own home. She selects an atheist as her test subject – and documents his journey as he attends each church.

Time travel: Upon his death, a man’s life flashes before his eyes and he carefully examines what mattered most to him.

The cause is the background:

The lead character is the Pastor of a small liturgical church. The story is about the sibling rivalry between himself and his brother who is a Pastor at an American evangelical megachurch.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Unique Action

What I learned:

This was a great way to attack the action sequences from multiple angles. I am behind (in this class) and on a script I’m rewriting – so, instead of using this to generate ideas for the action movie I’m developing, I decided to switch gears and utilize this technique for the action sequences in my rewrite. This was an extremely valuable exercise. What I thought was good just improved by 100%. I’m going to use this for the rest of my action sequences to elevate their quality.

Improvements to my “chase” scene:

Set up: In a game of “Would You Rather”, the “rathers” magically come true and five kids are chased by “monsters”; 2 by a werewolf and 3 by ten zombies.

· Each child has their own capacity to run – instead of having them all run “together” – they are broken up by their ability – making it more interesting to watch.

· Now that some are in the lead and some behind – those in the lead need to help in some way – elevating the teamwork needed to win.

· In the end – when they escape – they will be given part of a weapon that they will piece together… this will eventually help them when they get to the end of the game.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Analysis of Groundhog Day

What I learned doing this assignment:

This is one of my favorite movies. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen it. Many years ago, I attended a screenwriting conference and had a chance to meet Danny Rubin and talk to him about his screenplay (a very exciting experience for me!). I’ve studied it for structure and comedy, but never from this “profound” model. So very enlightening to see the whole movie from a different perspective. I see how the profound model works and how it played out in this film.

1. What is the CHANGE?

An egocentric jerk transforms into a selfless caring man and learns what true love is.

2. Lead characters:

Change Agent: Rita – genuine, smart, compassionate.

Transformable Character: Phil – egocentric, arrogant, rude, no compassion

3. How are we lured in? What causes us to connect?

· Most people can identify with the frustration of doing the same things repeatedly and not finding fulfillment or success.

· Phil is ‘harassed/annoyed’ by Ned – we all have “Neds” in our lives.

· Phil accidentally steps in a puddle – a common frustration

· Phil has a job he doesn’t like – like most people

· Phil is trapped in traffic/snowstorm – we’ve all experienced being stuck in a place we hate.

· Phil takes a cold shower – it’s happened to most of us.

· Finally – the repetition of Groundhog Day happening over and over again draws us in and we wonder ‘what is Phil going to do?’

4. Old ways to New ways:

Old: Phil is sarcastic. He insults people. Thinks he’s better than everyone else – and doesn’t want to be around others. He doesn’t want to participate in the party or engage with the people around him.

New: Is humble and goes out of his way to help people. He’s warm and complimentary of others. He knows everyone personally and is the life of the party.

5. Steps of Change:

· Doesn’t “live by the rules” – does whatever he wants with no consequences.

· Manipulates the system – picks up women and uses them.

· Becomes tired of this lifestyle and realizes he just wants Rita.

· Constructs an entire day to manipulate Rita into loving him – but is ultimately rejected.

· Becomes angry and despondent – tries to kill himself (many times)

· Finally honest with Rita – admits he’s a jerk – professes his love for her – wants to be worthy of her.

· Wakes up with new purpose to become a better man (on his own – without Rita). Reads, learns to play the piano, learns to ice sculpt, helps a homeless man.

· When he can’t save the homeless man from dying, he realizes he’s not God.

· His final “day” he delivers a perfect broadcast, helps the community in various ways, and plays the piano for Rita – now she is interested in him and “buys” him. His transformation is complete.

6. How are old ways challenged? What beliefs are challenged?

Phil learns the following things don’t bring contentment or satisfaction:

· “Breaking the rules” and hurting others.

· Living for self and manipulating women. (The woman he really wants won’t be manipulated)

· Even death won’t end his misery.

7. Profound movie moments:

· How he learns to handle Ned

· How he learns compassion with the homeless man

· How he learns to be transformative in his own work as a weatherman

· How he learns to be helpful to others around him

· And most importantly – how he finally learns what it means to love Rita – by giving of himself and asking for nothing in return.

8. Profound movie lines:

Phil: “What would you do if you were stuck in one place, and everything was the same and nothing you did mattered.”

Ralph: “That about sums it up for me.”

Phil: “I’m not gonna live by their rules anymore; you make choices, and you live with em’.”

Rita: (quoting Sir Walter Scott) “The wretch, concentered all in self, Living shall forfeit fair renown, And, doubly dying shall go down to the vile dust, from whence he sprung, Unwept, unhonoured, and unsung.”

Rita: “This day has been one long set up. You’ll never love anyone but yourself.”

Phil: “I am a god.”

Rita: “Is this what you do with eternity?”

Phil: “Now you know.”

Phil: “The first time I saw you something happened to me. I don’t deserve someone like you, but if I could, I swear I would love you the rest of my life.”

Nurse: “Sometimes people just die.”

Phil: “Not today.”

Rita: “I bought you; I own you.”

Phil: “Today is tomorrow. Is there anything I can do for you today?”

9. How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?

Every engagement Phil has from the beginning of the movie is addressed at the end – where he once treated people with disdain, he now treats them with respect and love.

Including: Rita, Larry, Buster, Mrs. Lancaster, Man in Hallway, Ned, Nancy, Gus & Ralph, and the Old Man.

10. What is the Profound Truth?

True love is based on compassion and self-sacrifice, not manipulation and self-indulgence.

[Deb Johnson]

I agree to the terms of this release form:

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Deb Johnson]

Hello!

I’m Deb Johnson and I’ve written about seven scripts.

I’ve taken a few SU classes and have learned much. I continue to improve as a writer. I hope to learn the building blocks of a profound script… Hal seems to be able to take the illusive and make it concrete and doable.

I’m a home school mom of two.

I look forward to another great class.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Level 3 Action Emotions

What I learned: It is so interesting that Danger, Excitement, and Adrenaline are three different elements that make up a high-level action scene. While this isn’t as spectacular as John Wick, I think I accomplished putting the three elements into my scene. I added another layer of tension by setting this in a location where they must fight quietly.

The Action Scene is between Titan and Jimmy (doppelgangers). Titan wants to take over for Jimmy on the movie set. He goes to the hospital to talk to him.

Set up: Third-world-country hospital.

One room with a curtain down the center (a men’s side and a women’s side). There are only two beds that are occupied, Jimmy is in one. The rest of the men sleep on cots on the floor.

On the women’s side, there is a mother with her sick son. There is also a frighteningly mean battle-axe nurse, Berta, who monitors the floor. No one is allowed on the floor – Jimmy is to be kept calm and quiet and allowed to rest… doctors orders. Everyone complies.

It’s night. Titan sneaks in through the window and stands over Jimmy’s bed and looks at Jimmy who sleeps.

(DANGER)

Jimmy opens his eyes and looks at Titan.

Jimmy: God, is that you? I always knew you looked just like me.

Titan: come with me

Jimmy rouses and sits up in bed. He whispers.

Jimmy: who the hell are you? What are you doing here?

Titan: You need my help. I need yours. Come with me, I’ll explain.

Jimmy: get the hell out of here – or I’ll call Berta.

Titan shows him his holstered gun.

Titan: you’re not going to make a sound and you’re coming with me.

(EXCITEMENT)

Jimmy grabs the bedpan and tries to bash Titan’s head. Titan catches it and sets it down quietly.

Jimmy jumps out of bed and tries to sprint away, but Titan grabs him by the collar and puts a “shh” finger to his lips.

A sick man, who lays on the floor, watches them fight.

(ADRENALINE)

Jimmy fights with his fists. Titan blocks his punches.

Mother (O.S.): What’s going on over there? You wake up my baby and I’ll kill you.

Berta hears the commotion and leaves her nurse station.

Jimmy tries to grab Titan’s gun but is cast off onto the bed. Jimmy throws whatever he can find at Titan (a cup, a medicine tray, a pen, and a lamp) who catches each item and quietly sets it down.

Berta: (O.S.) What is it, momma? Baby wake up?

Mother:(O.S.) No, but there’s a lunatic making noise over there.

Berta steps towards the men’s side of the room.

The last thing Jimmy grabs is his pillow and throws it at Titan who catches it. Titan grabs Jimmy from behind and with the pillow, covers his face. He hoists Jimmy through the window – and uses his own body to make a soft landing.

It’s quiet.

The man, lying on the floor, sees that Jimmy’s bed is empty, gets in, and lies down.

Berta parts the curtains – everything is quiet.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Level 2 Action Emotions

What I learned:

Since the examples were given in three different scenes, instead of writing one scene, I decided to write three different scenes that utilize the three different action emotions. It was fairly simple when I focused on writing the scene with that particular emotion in mind. Again, putting aside any need for perfection.

Surprise:

A small chapel: a rough wooden table serves as an altar, draped with white linen, on which sits a rude wooden goblet and plate. A pastor wears a white chasuble and red stole. He holds a Holy Bible.

Titan, 23, wears a three-piece suit, and Valentia, 23, wears a red dress and headscarf. They face each other and hold hands as the groom and bride.

Only two people witness and sit in the first row: Valentia’s mother, Rahma, 65, and Valentia’s sister, Sisy, 18. The pastor has a wide, beautiful grin.

Pastor: You are now married.

Titan and Valentia smile adoringly and kiss. Rahma weeps. Sisy has a wistful look of joy.

RAPID FIRE of a machine gun breaks in. A nearby EXPLOSION rocks the small chapel and shakes dust from the ceiling.

They all look at each other. Valentia SIGHS.

Titan: We should probably

Valentia: Go

The pastor, big smile, makes the sign of the cross and waves as they all rush out the door.

Pastor: God’s peace be with you!

The four race out of the chapel into a third-world, war-torn city. They jump into an old Corolla and drive away. More MACHINE GUNS echo in the distance.

SHOCK:

Jimmy Blazer sits in a small dirt cell. His face is almost unrecognizable from bruises and lacerations. Cal stands above him, a holstered gun on his hip.

Jimmy: You think you can get away with this? I’m a national treasure. If you kill me, America will descend on you with a vengeance you can only imagine.

Cal: I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to kill you. And you’re not going to say a word about any of this.

Cal opens the door, and two thugs drag Marshal into the cell. He’s a wreck of a human being and half-conscious. Jimmy shivers.

Cal: This is my number three. He could track a tick across half the continent with nothing more than a sniff of a cloth. And, yet, here he is, the traitor, broken and in my power.

He shoots Marshal in the head. Jimmy is horrified.

Cal: You say anything to anyone, ever, and I will track you down and make it look like an accident.

Cal lifts and throws the lifeless body of Marshal onto Jimmy who pushes him off and cowers into the corner.

Suspense:

Jimmy Blazer sits alone in a dirt cell. He looks horrible.

An explosion rocks the room. Half-delirious he laughs and cries at the same time.

Jimmy: Go Joe!

RAPID GUNFIRE in the distance. He covers his head.

Jimmy (singing softly): “a real American hero, GI Joe is there”

Commotion outside the cell.

Guard 1 (O.S.): I’ll stay – you go.

Sounds of footsteps running away.

Jimmy (singing): “Never gives up, he’s always there, fight for freedom over land and air”

More GUNSHOTS. Getting closer.

Guard 1 (O.S.): What’s your status? What’s going on?

Jimmy (singing): “He never gives up; he’ll stay till the fights won, GI Joe is there”

A struggle ensues outside the cell. Grunting and Punching. Then silence.

Jimmy (singing): “GI Joe!”

Jimmy looks at the cell door as it opens, half in terror, half in resignation.

Titan walks in. Jimmy looks at him in shock and disbelief.

Titan: Let’s go.

Titan helps Jimmy to his feet. They exit.

At the door lays Guard 1, dead, his throat slit. Jimmy winces, gags, and moves on.

They pass more dead bodies as they climb the stairs to the outside.

The sunlight blinds Jimmy as he exits his prison.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Level 1 Action Emotions

What I learned… Wow – I really struggled with perfectionism on this one. Though we’ve seen scenes like this a million times – it’s hard to make it unique. However, I was able to create a scene with some anxiety, fear, and relief – which was the point of the exercise.

A camera crew tracks a train going 30mph.

Descending from the sky is a one-man drone piloted by Jimmy Blazer. Jimmy’s drone is chased by a helicopter.

Jimmy lands the drone on top of the train. Shots are fired from the helicopter that hovers above him.

Jimmy exits the drone and races across the top of the train. He slips and slides to the edge of the train.

The tracking camera crew looks on in shock.

Jimmy grabs the edge and hangs on.

A worried crewman on the camera track talks excitedly into a walkie-talkie.

Jimmy, holding on for life, falls asleep. His body drops off the moving train. When he hits the embankment, his eyes open, startled.

He rolls down the embankment, towards a large bolder. He hits the boulder, head-on, and completely blacks out.

The train stops. All members of the camera crew race to Jimmy.

Someone grabs his hand.

Crew member 1: Jimmy, Jimmy, You ok?

Crew member 2: Oh my god, is he dead?

Another grabs his face and checks his pulse.

Crew member 3: He’s alive. He’s breathing.

Crew member 1: Somebody get Justin out here, quick.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Favorite Twists!

What I learned from doing this assignment… this challenged me to look at my story map in a specific way and ask myself “How can I twist this?”. Many of my scenes already have twists (because of the nature of the story) but there was VAST room for improvement. Here are a few new discoveries…

1. Titan is a real secret agent pretending to be action movie star, Jimmy Blazer. Titan is a family man, loyal to his wife. TWIST: He must do a romantic scene with his co-star on the movie set. Meanwhile (TWIST) Jimmy Blazer tries to seduce Titan’s wife.

2. When Titan defects, Titan’s friend, Marshal, has been sent to track down Titan and bring him back to the agency. It appears to be a betrayal of friendship. When Titan makes a move to sabotage an attack, Marshal (Surprise) catches him. (Twist) Instead of stopping him he pledges his allegiance to Titan and helps him.

3. Titan must do a movie scene where he’s taken up in a helicopter. The pilot hates Jimmy Blazer. Everything is going great – but IT JUST GOT WORSE – a technical malfunction – puts everyone in jeopardy. Titan (as Jimmy) saves the life of the helicopter pilot. (the pilot will later help him when Titan needs it most.)

4. Titan coordinates/executes the 2nd Part of the Sabotage. This will be something where he gains an important tool/code to thwart the mission. It is this code/key that Cal (the villain) MUST HAVE to carry out the attack. TWIST: We think Titan is going to get caught – a guard or someone in charge – stops him. Turns out – he’s a big fan of Jimmy Blazer and he thinks that’s who Titan is. Titan goes along and says he’s doing “research” and gives him an autograph. Titan walks away with the desired object.

5. The real Jimmy Blazer has been apprehended by Titan’s foreign agency and is believed to be Titan. During their torture/interrogation (IT GET’S WORSE) Jimmy is hit in the face several times. His face is his “moneymaker” and it’s being destroyed!

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Likability/Empathy/Justification

What I learned doing this assignment is that there is A WAY to make the audience identify with the Hero. It’s important to include things that make them likable, that give them empathy, and that justify their actions. Otherwise, it’s just a bunch of unmotivated action (boring!). In fact, the only action movies I really enjoy employ this technique. It was simple to do – and it help to tighten/shape the first act. I still have no idea WHERE this movie takes place – but one thing at a time!

Why we care about our Hero, Titan…

Titan, an XX national, and his foreign bride, Valentia, a YY national, are married, secretly, in a third-world country.

They travel to a remote idyllic location in YY where they set up house. Valentia’s mother and sister go along. Valentia is pregnant.

Titan goes away, returning every three or four months.

Valentia listens to reports on the radio of the war between XX and YY.

When Titan returns, he always brings money, supplies, and has different type of injuries. His son is almost one year old. While together, they are a loving, united family unit.

Titan leaves again.

In the big city of XX, Titan receives a “mission impossible” type communication that orders a strike on the idyllic location of YY that must take place in six days.

He immediately returns home to YY and moves his wife and child. Valentia doesn’t want to go and begs Titan to try to save their home. He says he won’t have a hand in the operation, but there’s nothing he can do. His life is now in danger because he deserted the mission.

They all move to a remote location in XX. Nearby, an American movie is filmed. Jimmy Blazer, the action movie star has been injured on the set. Jimmy and Titan are doppelgangers.

Cal Taskin, Titan’s boss, realizes that Titan has gone dark. He immediately assembles another team (it takes three people to replace Titan) and sends Titan’s friend, Marshal, to locate Titan.

When Cal realizes Titan has abandoned the mission, he sends agents to kill him. Meanwhile, Titan finds out that the attack is not for his country, but for Cal’s personal gain. Titan decides to thwart the mission.

Titan manages to hide out on the American movie set, posing as Jimmy Blazer, while he conducts his counterattack. He moves Jimmy Blazer to his new home to stay hidden with his family while Jimmy recuperates.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Story Map

What I learned doing this assignment… this was a simple yet profound way to bring it all together. It’s an easy way to fill in the blanks… the gaps and incongruities became obvious right away… and some new plot points emerged. Again – I’m allowing myself to work quickly and not worry about it being great. I realize we have a ways to go in the class and each assignment gives me more confidence to trust the process.

Opening – An action scene, starring Jimmy Blazer, an American action movie star, is filmed on location in a foreign country. Jimmy is injured. Production stops.

A1 A dynamic action sequence??? Results in the injury ??? of Major Action Star, Jimmy Blazer

Inciting Incident – Titan, a foreign secret agent, receives an assignment but refuses to accept the mission. He goes dark and tries to move his secret family whose location is dead center of the attack.

M1 Titan receives a mission to assemble a team and carry out a terrorist attack.

M2 Titan refuses the assignment.

A2 Titan goes dark and through a complicated process?? sheds his identity and remains undetected while accessing the secret location of his family. He moves them to a different location near a movie set.

V1 Cal learns of Titan’s defection and sends Titan’s friend, Marshal, (like Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive) to find him. (Cal lies and tells Marshal that Titan is in danger)

V2 Cal assembles a different team, with himself as leader, to facilitate the attack.

First Turning Point at end of Act 1 – Titan is a doppelganger of action movie star Jimmy Blazer. He convinces Jimmy to lay low while he takes over his action movie star persona.

M3 As a doppelganger of Jimmy Blazer, Titan decides to hide in plain sight on the film set and takes over for Jimmy.

A3 Titan and Jimmy have some sort of fight??? Titan wins. They both agree that Titan will take over for Jimmy – but Jimmy’s pride is hurt and he’s resentful.

M4 Titan hides Jimmy with Titan’s wife and child. (Jimmy travels blindfolded)

A4 Now on set, posing as Jimmy, Titan must engage in a choreographed fight. He hurts his trainer and co-star (a woman). Titan laments that the woman could never overpower him in real life… but shows how she could defeat him if she needed to. They learn from Titan and utilize his tactics to make the fight scene better.

A5 Titan has planted a false narrative in his file about a mother and sister. Marshal goes on this RED HERRING chase to track down the non-existent Mother and sister. Goes in with a tactical team / guns ready. He discovers the ruse. Cal has no leverage on Titan. Marshal changes tactics

V3 Cal is unhinged that Titan is completely off the grid and nowhere to be found.

Mid-Point – Titan learns that his boss, Cal, has ulterior motives – that the attack is not for his country, but for his own personal gain. Titan decides to actively sabotage the mission and goes after the codes necessary to carry out the attack.

V4 Somehow??? Titan learns Cal is not working at the behest of his government but working for a foreign company that wants to use this strategic location to build a factory and use the waterway and air space to their advantage. Cal will receive a huge sum of money and stake in the company once it’s up and running. It’s his retirement.

M5 Titan decides that the attack cannot happen and retrieves the codes to sabotage the terror attack.

A6 Titan scales some sort of impossible fortress (???) to break in and steal codes/keys necessary to deploy the drones. The attack cannot happen without this.

A7 Cal’s new team (it takes 3 people to replace Titan) “scale the fortress”??? and break in to get the key – but realize it’s already been stolen. … Cal realizes Titan is sabotaging his plans for the train wreck.

V5 Cal informs his team/Marshal that Titan is a traitor and needs to be eliminated. He says he will reward anyone who will find and bring Titan to Cal.

A8 Someone on the set (Hair/Makeup?) figures out the Titan is not Jimmy. But they keep this information secret until it can be advantageous to them at some point.

Second Turning Point at end of Act 2 – Jimmy returns to the set on the same day that Titan’s agency has ascertained Titan’s location. Jimmy is apprehended by the agency.

A9 The Hair/Makeup?? traitor threatens to go public with the deception – tries to blackmail Titan. Titan diffuses the situation (???) But doesn’t realize a tabloid reporter??? Has overheard and publishes a story. Marshall picks up on this – goes to the set to investigate.

M6 Jimmy, an early recovery, returns to the set – and demands Titan step aside.

V6 Cal, suspicious of Marshal, has him tailed and discovers Titan’s location on the movie set. Cal sends his henchman to apprehend Titan.

A10 There is a massive CHASE, FIGHT, SHOOTOUT AND ESCAPE. Real bullets and blanks are used throughout. Running through different sets, fighting with Titan and Jimmy – till it is Jimmy that Marshal captures and it is Titan who escapes.

M7 Titan goes to the train depot and there is some sort of exchange??? with the person in charge of the cargo cars. (not sure what’s going on now – but later, will be revealed that the toxic cargo does not make it onto the train that will be attacked)

A11 Jimmy is taken to Cal’s Lair where he is INTERROGATED/TORCHURED.

V7 Jimmy Blazer is believably freaked out by his abduction and denies everything when confronted by Cal. Cal, thinks he is dealing with a very clever Titan, but is unable to get the information he needs to proceed with his attack on the train. He decides to poison Jimmy with an allergen that Titan is allergic to. When Jimmy is not affected, Cal finally realizes he’s got the wrong guy.

Crisis – Cal goes to the movie set and poisons Titan. Cal captures Titan’s family and kills Titan’s friend.

V8 Cal, himself, goes in disguise, to the movie set to apprehend Titan. He poses as ??? and poisons Titan’s food with an allergen. He gets the codes/keys he needs to commence the attack.

M8 Titan goes into anaphylactic shock. Cal gets the codes/keys from Titan and leaves him to die. Titan is saved by Marshall and asks him to help keep his family hidden.

V9 Jimmy reveals enough details about Titan’s family location that Cal can ascertain their location.

V10 Cal apprehends Marshall before he can move Titan’s family.

V11 Cal kills Titan’s friend, Marshall, in front of Jimmy – a warning to keep his mouth shut.

Climax – The attack is set in motion. Titan thwarts the attack, saves his family, and kills Cal.

V12 Somehow??? Cal gets Titan’s family on the train that is about to be derailed.

V13 Cal (with key) releases the Drone – as planned – that will attack the bridge and send the toxic cargo cars into the river below.

A12 Titan gets on the train that is going to crash (a pilot he befriended on the set gets him on). The gun he has is loaded with blanks and he’s unable to shoot down the drone.

M9 Somehow??? Titan saves his family. The drones take out the bridge, the train derails, and plummets to the river below.

M10/V14/A13/M11 Titan goes after Cal. They fight in hand-to-hand combat(???). It’s like the action sequence in the open – at a dangerous precipice. Cal realizes (??) the train cars were not full of toxins – his plan has been thwarted. Cal is killed. It appears that Titan doesn’t survive (He falls??? the same way Jimmy Blazer did in the open).

Resolution – Titan rescues Jimmy. Jimmy offers Titan the opportunity to take over as Jimmy Blazer, which he accepts.

A14 While everyone thinks Titan is dead, Titan goes to save Jimmy. This is a real ‘going into the Lion’s Den’ type of rescue. Titan rescues Jimmy.

M12 Titan brings Jimmy back to the movie set. The actor admits he’s not even the real Jimmy Blazer and asks if Titan wants to take his place. He does. Titan returns home to his family with a new career.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s 3-Act Structure

What I learned… while it’s true, “Most of the answers to the structure already exist in your three tracks”, I found that this next step was vital to lasso all these wild action scenes and bring them into the corral. It was another step to help shape and bring clarity to the story. While I’m not thrilled with it, yet, it’s getting there. Wonderful.

Opening – An action scene, starring Jimmy Blazer, an American action movie star, is filmed on location in a foreign country.

Inciting Incident – Titan, a foreign secret agent, receives an assignment but refuses to accept the mission. He goes dark and tries to move his secret family whose location is dead center of the attack.

First Turning Point at the end of Act 1 – Titan is a doppelganger of action movie star Jimmy Blazer. He incapacitates and then convinces Jimmy to lay low while he takes over his action movie star persona.

Mid-Point – Titan learns that his boss, Cal, has ulterior motives – that the attack is not for his country, but for his own personal gain. Titan decides to actively sabotage the mission and goes after the codes necessary to carry out the attack.

Second Turning Point at the end of Act 2 – Jimmy returns to the set on the same day that Titan’s agency has ascertained Titan’s location. Jimmy is apprehended by the agency.

Crisis – Cal goes to the movie set and poisons Titan. Cal captures Titan’s family and kills Titan’s friend.

Climax – The attack is set in motion. Titan thwarts the attack, saves his family, and kills Cal.

Resolution – Titan rescues Jimmy. Jimmy offers Titan the opportunity to take over as Jimmy Blazer, which he accepts.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Action Track!

What I learned doing this assignment: Combining the Mission, Villain, and Action track did two things – first, it helped shape the story even more as I was constantly changing plot points along the way. Second, it forced me to consider all the action possibilities and put them in the story. At first, I didn’t think I would have enough action – and now, I can’t believe how many different action scenarios I was able to come up with. Still a lot of “holes” but these will eventually get filled in.

Discovery – Cal (boss) sends Titan (agent) his “Mission Impossible” assignment. The task puts Titan’s family (who he’s hidden) in imminent danger.

Purpose: Create mystery – who is Titan’s family? Will he accept this assignment?

Dangerous Situation – Titan scales an impossible fortress (???) – breaks in and steals the code/key??? necessary to deploy the drones (first part of his assignment). Instead of reporting back to base – he goes dark.

Purpose: To show he has refused the assignment and is going to work against his own agency.

Chase/Pursuit – Cal sends out his “US Marshall” type agent after Titan. This is a very competent Tommy Lee Jones/The Fugitive type of character. Somehow, he’s going to find Titan.

Purpose: To show that the agency he works for doesn’t really give you options. You either obey or die. Also shows the power Cal, as leader of the organization, has at his disposal.

Competition: Cal recruits Titan’s own friends (Three Agents) to help him accomplish his mission (each has their own unique specialty). They too “scale the impossible fortress” but realize Titan has already stolen the codes. Cal promises them money/promotion to track down Titan – the first person wins. They also make bets with each other. One of the team members, Isadore, pretends to go along, but he wants to help Titan.

Purpose: Cal needs three people to replace Titan – showing his strength/prowess. Also shows the forces that Titan is up against.

Chase/Pursuit – Titan has planted a false narrative in his file about a mother and sister. Marshal goes on this RED HERRING chase to track down the nonexistent Mother and sister. Goes in with a tactical team/guns ready) He discovers the ruse. Marshal changes tactics.

Purpose: To show Titan’s forethought and cunning. We realize he never trusted this agency to begin with.

Fight – Titan stumbles upon??? Is made aware of??? Deliberately comes to??? The set of a movie being shot on location near his hidden home and the spot for the terrorist attack. He decides to hide in plain sight by replacing the doppelganger, Jimmy Blazer who is the action star of the film.

Titan subdues him – somehow – causes him some sort of injury that is incapacitating but not lethal or permanent and convinces Tommy to let him take over on the movie set. Tommy acquiesces but his pride is hurt, and you know he’s plotting some sort of revenge.

Purpose: Titan knows the only way he can truly hide from Marshal is to hide in plain sight. By taking on this persona, he can work behind the scenes to sabotage Cal’s terrorist attack.

Fight – Now on set, posing as Jimmy Blazer, Titan must engage in a choreographed fight. He hurts his trainer and co-star (a woman).

Purpose – To show Titan as a fish out of water – a humorous but potentially deadly scene – as he tries to pretend to be someone who pretends to be who he really is. (This is the showpiece of the hook)

Deception – Someone on set (Hair/Make-up???) quickly ascertains the truth. But conceals his/her knowledge and keeps it as leverage for his/her own gain.

Purpose: To show that, even on this movie set, Titan is not safe.

Discovery – Marshal gets wind (???) of a disruption on the Jimmy Blazer movie set. He alerts Cal and closes in.

Purpose: To show that Cal and company are closing in on Titan.

Innocent bystanders at risk/Capture – Jimmy, an early recovery, returns to the set and demands Titan give him back his place. At the same time. Marshal and Cal’s team close in.

There is a massive CHASE, FIGHT, SHOOTOUT AND ESCAPE. Running through different sets, fighting with Titan and Jimmy – till it is Jimmy that the Marshal captures and it is Titan, with the help of Isadore, who escapes. Jimmy is taken to Marshall’s Lair where he is INTERROGATED/TORCHURED.

Purpose: This is a false victory for Cal – giving Titan a chance to further sabotage Cal’s terror attack. But Titan knows his time is short, so he’s got to act fast.

Chase/Pursuit – Titan goes to the drones to dismantle them. Finds that Cal is utilizing a different system (???) Titan goes to the loading docks of the train station – sees the toxic chemicals being loaded. He does something (???)

Purpose: To show Titan is now on the offensive – because the attack is imminent, and he doesn’t have any more time.

Impersonation – When Cal realizes he’s got Jimmy and not Titan, he goes to the movie set in disguise.

Purpose: Cal realizes it’s his last chance to eliminate Titan and get the codes/key (???) he needs.

Gun Fight/Hiding – He and Titan shoot it out – with real and fake bullets

Hiding in unexpected areas – Titan is almost captured – but he finds a creative place to hide

Purpose – Cal and Titan are equally matched, but Cal is not able to overpower him. Cal makes a deal with Hair/Makeup??? – if he/she gets the key they will be rewarded. Tells her about Titan’s allergy.

Demands – Marshal alerts Cal that he’s discovered who/where Titan’s real family is. He gets a message to Titan to give up the codes and somehow posts a message to Titan that he’s going after his family unless Titan gives him what he wants.

Purpose – Cal finally has the upper hand

Sabotage – Hair/Makeup??? Poisons Titan and takes the key. Isadore saves Titan.

Search/Rescue/Tail – Titan sends Isadore to save his family. Isadore is trailed by his two other team members.

Purpose – The immanent exposure of Titan’s family.

Betrayal – Cal kills the hair/makeup?? Person who helped him. (Cal makes it looks like an accident)

Purpose – Cal can’t have any loose ends.

Betrayal – Isadore is imprisoned with Jimmy. Cal kills Isadore in front of Jimmy.

Purpose – Cal is a ruthless killer – he wants Jimmy to know that he will be released – but if he betrays Cal – the same will happen to him.

Execution – Cal releases the drone – as planned. Titan gets on the train that is about to be attacked. He takes a rocket launcher and a gun (unbeknownst to him, the gun is loaded with blanks). The Rocket launcher will shoot down the drone before it has a chance to attack.

Purpose – the final showdown

Full-out attack – Cal is on the train with Titan’s family as hostage. Either Titan gives up his rocket launcher – or his family dies. Titan relents – and Cal escapes. The drone takes out the bridge. The train plummets. Titan saves his wife and child (???) then goes after Cal.

Purpose: Titan manages to save his family – but it appears that Cal has won.

Fight – Titan goes after Cal. They fight. Titan kills Cal.

Purpose: Titan knows he’ll never be free if Cal lives. He must kill Cal.

Rescue/Into the Lion’s Den – Titan rescues Jimmy and takes out the rest of Cal’s team.

Purpose: Titan has a moral obligation to Jimmy and won’t let him languish.

Success: Titan saves Jimmy and brings him back to the movie set. The actor admits he’s not even the real Jimmy Blazer and asks if Titan wants to take his place. He does. Titan returns home to his family with a new career.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Villain Track!

What I learned doing this assignment. These “fill in the blanks” are a great way to just get something on paper. By following the villain, I was able to create more of the story that didn’t exist before. Obviously, it needs a lot of work – but at least, now, I have something to work with.

VILLAIN: Cal Taskin – Cal is the head of a secret terrorist cell and works at the behest of the government (which disavows any knowledge of this group). Cal’s country is in a cold war situation with a country that borders his own.

HERO: Titan Benoit – a secret agent and a part of Cal’s team.

1. MISSION BRIEFING: Cal sends a secret message to Titan briefing him on a mission to cause a drone strike on a bridge to derail a train. The result will contaminate the water and make the surrounding towns uninhabitable.

2. NOT ACCEPTING: Titan, realizing the town is where his wife and child are hidden, refuses the mission and goes dark.

3. RETALIATION: Cal learns of Titan’s defection and sends his team after him to kill him. He commissions another agent to carry out the attack.

4. PLAN: WEAPONS: Cal recruits Titan’s own friends to go after him. Only one is loyal to Titan. Cal assembles a different team – with himself as the leader to facilitate the drone strike. But they are missing something vital to the operation – something only Titan can provide.

5. ALTERIOR MOTIVES: The truth behind the strike is not part of the ideological differences between the two countries. Cal is not working at the behest of his government but working for a foreign company that wants to use this strategic location to build a factory and use the waterway and air space to its advantage. Cal will receive a huge sum of money and a stake in the company once it’s up and running. It’s his retirement.

6. SURPRISED: Titan is completely off the grid and nowhere to be found. His planted story of a mother and sister hiding out – also proves to be false. Cal has no leverage on Titan… and he realizes someone (Titan) is sabotaging his plans for the train wreck. This was not part of the plan.

7. MEETING: The team meets to decide what to do about Titan. Most are freaked

out, but Cal says to stick to the plan and they’ll get revenge in time.

8. ATTACK: Cal and the team uncover Titan’s location on a movie set. Cal sends his henchman to track him down. Some sort of fight ensues – on camera. One of the henchmen is killed. The other apprehends the doppelganger actor, thinking it’s Titan. Titan escapes.

9. DECEPTION: The actor is freaked out by his abduction and denies everything when confronted by Cal. Cal thinks it’s Titan playing games, but then realizes they are look-alikes. Cal is unable to get the information he needs to proceed with his attack on the train.

10. IMPERSONATION/ REAL GUNS: Cal, himself, goes in disguise, to the movie set to apprehend Titan. He poses as a weapons expert of some sort and puts real bullets in the guns that will be used on the set. Titan barely escapes death and almost kills someone.

11. DEMANDS: Cal learns of Titan’s real family and somehow posts a message to Titan that he’s going after them unless Titan gives him what he wants

12. BETRAYAL/EXPLOSION: When Cal realizes one of his own is protecting Titan, Cal kills him. He also blows up an elaborate set piece. The director gets it all on film. Titan secretly moves his wife/child – but he’s being watched.

13. DECISION: LACE THE FOOD: Before Cal leaves the set, he laces all the food with a substance that he knows Titan is allergic to. Titan goes into anaphylactic shock. Cal finally gets what he needs to initiate his attack. Titan is saved by someone on the set.

14. EXECUTION: Cal proceeds to attack the train as planned. He is thwarted by Titan. But Cal has managed to capture Titan’s family. Titan must save his family and stop the attack. He saves his family but the train is derailed.

15. FINAL TWIST: Titan switched the cars on the train and what ends up in the water are diapers and Twinkies. The water is safe from contamination. The people of the town are safe.

16. FITTING ENDING: Cal is thrown into the water and drowns when he can’t surface because all the diapers suffocate him.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Hero’s Mission Track

What I learned doing this assignment. I got hung up on the “impossible mission” because everything I brainstormed had already been done. Though, I haven’t seen too much with drones and train derailment is pretty common – this is what I’m sitting with right now. This is a perfect opportunity for me to “Keep the Question Open.” Which I will happily do.

BASIC MISSION STEPS

Clear Mission: To leave his foreign agency and stop a terrorist attack he was meant to initiate.

Motivation: He has secretly hidden his wife and newborn son (unwittingly) in the very location of the attack zone.

Inciting Incident: He receives a mission to assemble a team and carry out a terrorist attack.

First Action: He “goes dark” setting off a storm in his agency to bring him back.

Obstacle: He decides to hide in plain sight by taking over for an action hero on a movie set (He’s his doppelganger). To do so, he incapacitates the actor. (Causes him some sort of injury that will lay him up for six weeks or so).

Escalation: The actor is complicit until he is not anymore – returns to the set – and demands the Hero step aside. Meanwhile, the Hero’s associates suspect his location and go after him.

Overwhelming Odds: He films an action sequence – of his real escape from his enemy. They capture the actor instead and secure him back to their HQ. Meanwhile, Hero works to dismantle the terrorist attack.

New Plan: He can’t dismantle the drone – so he goes directly to the train – to protect it.

Full-out Attack: He manages to shoot down the drone and save the town. Kills his boss and fakes his own death.

Success: He saves the actor and brings him back to the movie set. The actor admits he’s not even the real actor and asks if Hero wants to take his place. He does. The Hero returns home to his family with a new career.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Hero and Villain

What I learned doing this assignment – oh what fun it is to ride on an “if” and “what if” sleigh… This is a great way to get the story rolling – focusing only on the two characters, filling in the blanks, and then playing with those answers. I like that I’m not married to anything and can continue to explore all the possibilities.

Concept: To save his family, a foreign super-spy goes dark and hides out on a Hollywood movie set, posing as his doppelganger; an action-hero movie star, so he can dismantle his own country’s terror plot.

Hero Morally Right: Saving his family, and their community, from a terror plot

Villain Morally Wrong: putting innocent civilians at the center of a war

Hero: Titan Benoit – a foreign undercover agent

A. Unique Skill Set: multi-lingual, master of disguise, weapons, martial arts

B. Motivation: To save his family (mother and sisters) and their community

C. Secret or Wound: Secret – He’s hidden his family in rural America to keep them safe. Wound: His work has made his heart callous – he works out of a sense of duty and has lost all compassion for others.

Villain: Calloway Taskin – head of a foreign agency and a double agent

A. Unbeatable: he has a team of special agents who work for him (all specially trained) and a group of special interest people in America (with connections to local police and national military) who want to see him succeed.

B. Plan/Goal: To unleash a terror initiative on American soil to destabilize and weaken the economy/community

C. What they lose if Hero survives: Their foothold in America (power) – and lots of money that comes from warmongering.

Impossible Mission: Titan must stop both teams – escape those who pursue him – and defeat those who will carry out the terrorist plot – to save his family.

A. Puts Hero in Action:

He escapes and hides on a movie set, where he poses as an ‘action hero’ all the while undermining the terrorist plot; appearing as different people, using different languages/accents, gun and martial art battles, and sabotaging the terror plan.

B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best:

He must fight the people who trained him – who are better than him. He must act like an actor who acts like himself. He must take on all sorts of disguises to dismantle the terrorist plot.

C. Destroy the Villain:

First, he passes off as an action hero, then derails the terrorist plot, then finally takes out Cal Taskin. In the end, he becomes a real/fake action hero.

Elevation Challenge (by asking questions, here are a few changes I came up with):

Hero:

Motivation: while his motivation to save his family is tantamount, while on the movie set, he takes on the second task of saving the movie that’s being made. By taking on the persona of this ‘movie star’ he feels it’s his duty to see it through to completion.

Secret: What If his secret is that he’s secretly married – and even his boss doesn’t know? But when it’s discovered – it puts her in grave danger. Maybe his mom died years ago – and he never had a sister (he’s led everyone to believe he had both) – but who he’s really hiding is his wife and their newborn child.

What if his wound is that his father died when he was young – and he doesn’t want this for his own family (to be fatherless)? He wants to get out of this foreign agency – but doesn’t know how.

Villain:

Unbeatable: He trained Titan. He, also, is a master of disguise and a linguist. In addition, he has the power of his own agency and agents in America who work for him.

What if – for all his bluster – he’s only as good as his agents – that he’s out of practice and not as good as he used to be. He’s full of hot air and can’t do any job himself – that’s why he has so many people working for him.

Or – maybe he’s still on top of his game – but he has some sort of handicap that keeps him from being a real threat – so he uses all the people he can to maintain his power.

What if the terror plot is on his own foreign soil? A piece of land that America wants to control. And he is the agent to bring it about. And it’s not the American government – but it’s a large corporation that wants to set up HQ in this specific territory – but they can’t without dismantling what’s already there.

What if the villain, Cal, stands to gain a lot of money with this large corporation – and he sells out his own country to make this happen?

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Conventions!

What I learned doing this assignment is… Dusting off an old idea can be fun. Knowing that I don’t have to have all the answers up front – and giving myself an opportunity to follow the steps – gives me courage and excitement to write this script. It’s going to be great.

PS – a little late to the game – but I’m going to work hard to catch up with everyone else.

Concept: To save his family, a foreign super-spy goes dark and hides out on a Hollywood movie set, posing as his doppelganger; an action-hero movie star.

Conventions:

Hero: Titan Benoit – a foreign undercover agent

Demand For Action: His latest assignment puts his own family in danger. He turns it down and goes dark. His agency goes after him.

Mission: To remain undetected while undermining his agency’s commission

Antagonist: The head of his organization and their henchmen (his former co-workers)

Escalating Action: escape turns to hiding on a movie set where he must “fake” fight. He then must fight his ex-coworkers and eventually take on his old boss.

[Deb Johnson]

Hello – I’m Deb,

I’ve written about seven scripts.

Like most people, I’ve seen my share of action movies, but have suspended my disbelief and watched them for their entertainment value. I never took the time to understand the structure and what makes them work. I hope to learn this. I am also looking to elevate an action/adventure comedy I’m currently in the process of writing. And I’m going to begin an action script that’s been rolling around in my head for a few years.

Unusual: I “play” the organ at my church with the help of some pre-recorded music and some old-school floppy discs.

Looking forward to a great class!

[Deb Johnson]

Deborah Johnson

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Deb Johnson]

I quickly wrote a not-so-great monologue for my protagonist when she confronts the antagonist who wants to “cut her a deal.” I will be able to work with it and shape it to make it “sing” better. However, I was glad to see the subtext surfacing in her dialogue and feel this will be a great addition to the scene.

[Deb Johnson]

A well-written monologue can stand on its own. I haven’t seen this movie since it came out – yet I was instantly drawn into the emotion and drama.

Ali is expressing his truth in utter anger and frustration with the system that wants to send him away.

Whether I agree or disagree with his monologue is irrelevant. The fact that I am compelled by what he’s saying and drawn into his emotion is what constitutes a well-written scene.

(Does anyone know if this was something Ali actually said – or was it written for the screen?)

A very enlightening component of this class is the prompt to answer the question “What drama is this scene built around.”

This is a key to what makes each scene so compelling. (Isn’t that what Hal told us in the first class?!?)

When I describe the drama, I often shift focus and ask – what if it wasn’t set up this way?

For example: what if Ali left the meeting and then went out to dinner with a friend and delivered the same monologue? Horrible, right?

What we see is this: With all the cameras and reporters, the whole world is watching. He delivers it as he walks. He points and shouts in anger. Everyone is keeping up with him and clamoring to ask questions.

There are always a hundred ways to write a scene, but well-written scenes always place themselves in drama that is inherent to the characters and all the profile items the writer wants to deliver.

A wonderful tool to use and keep in mind as we shape our stories.

[Deb Johnson]

Since my genre is “action adventure/comedy” I thought it important to include this element. Instead of pinpointing my protagonist (I have five children who go on the adventure) I decided to go through each beat and brainstorm at least one “uncomfortable” moment that could elevate the scene. Obviously, I won’t use them all – but this comedic element elevates the scenes and gives them a little more depth. Something I felt was lacking.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned:

We feel sorry for Greg, even though he walked right into it. This is his past and his future when he proposed to Pam. It’s all about winning Jack’s approval and Jack refusing to give it to him.

This is a comedy, and the premise is – how many ways can we humiliate Greg?

These are ‘right characters.’ If Greg had a little more confidence and Jack wasn’t such a jerk, this script would never have worked. Jack was made to torture Greg – they are perfectly matched.

The drama the scene was built on was perfect. We are in Jack’s basement “lair” – and the way he’s framed in the brick doorway almost makes it look like some sort of torture chamber. It appears that Greg is sneaking around at night and Jack catches him. This makes for a very uncomfortable situation.

[Deb Johnson]

I found a scene where two friends have a disagreement. I decided to use this scene to deepen the argument and have them pick at each other’s wounds.

It’s a short scene that I didn’t originally see as a “breaking point”. However, by making this a “breaking point,” and not just an argument, I’m adding depth to the scene and creating a “moment”. This makes the scene more powerful.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned:

Since we know Will is a fighter, he is not going to acquiesce to Sean in any way. Sean is ready for a fight, but he doesn’t exactly know what’s coming. There is a tension that builds throughout.

Sean is humble and passive through the onslaught of insults that Will throws his way. We see the tension build ever so slightly… but Sean continues to defuse the situation.

Until Will picks at his wound. Will thinks he’s got him where he wants him – but he doesn’t see the power behind Sean’s fierce love for his wife. It is this love that causes Sean to “lose it” and threaten Will’s life.

We now see that these are the Right Characters – finally someone who can stand up to Will. And we also see the future: Ultimately, Sean will be able to help Will (because he has the power to do so.)

[Deb Johnson]

I scanned the entire script for a scene to use this in – and didn’t know where to put it. My character values honesty above all else – so I thought it would be easy to find a place where she tells a lie. This was difficult.

I finally found a place right before her Crisis. Instead of telling the truth – she uses a lie to push an important friend away. This worked out great – what was supposed to be a “coming together” scene – where they finally admit they like each other – becomes a scene that isolates my hero – sending her into her Crisis completely alone and vulnerable. Which, of course, makes for better drama!

[Deb Johnson]

This was extremely helpful in shaping my second act. I have five children that must learn to help each other and work together – but it wasn’t till I had to “put them to the test” that I was able to clarify/justify/elevate some of the action scenes.

I gave each character a unique test that challenged part of their core traits and was able to add some real depth to each scene.

There is one character test that is still giving me some trouble, but with a little bit more brainstorming and general reflection – I’m sure I will come up with a solution.

[Deb Johnson]

I have not seen this show – so everything is based solely on this scene.

This concept is brilliant, and I’ve never heard it articulated in this way – so it’s a real eye-opener about how a writer can make us feel deeply for a character.

We don’t really have to know anything about the Sherriff to understand that nobody would want to harm a little girl – especially one so vulnerable, unkempt, holding a stuffy, and wearing pajamas.

It’s clear he wants to help her. But when she turns around, we (and he) realize this is no ordinary little girl.

I thought it was interesting that they showed the bullet hit her head and we watch her go down hard. It’s very “flinch” to see that – even though we know she’s a monster.

Perhaps this is an important point they are making about how they can kill “zombies” – maybe they’ve got to hit them in the brain or something to bring them down. A softer version would have been for him to pull the trigger – hear the thud – and then see her lying there. However, I’m sure they are not going for “soft” in this series.

[Deb Johnson]

It’s always fun/dramatic to see a character’s hidden power come out just when you need it. Ms. Vito’s power was that of being a super expert in automobiles – but we don’t know it until this point. I also enjoyed how they set up the scene – wondering if she is an expert and if she will answer the question correctly (because the whole trial rests on it).

This reminds me of a scene from “The Hidden Fortress”. The General’s job is to protect the princess – but we don’t see his strength right away. When he must pursue and strike down the enemy for the first time – we are all surprised at how “badass” he really is. He gains a whole new level of respect.

Putting the Character to the Test is a great way to reveal character.

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned from “Rudy” – Character Ending

I see four of his character traits to be: Tenacious, Fan, Humble, Hardworking

Great writing included all four of these traits played out in the end:

Tenacious – the fact that he’s still on the team, wearing a uniform, after all he’s been through.

Fan – he cheers for his team from the sidelines, even though he’s not playing

Humble – he asks if he should stay on the field for the second play.

Hardworking – he makes the tackle.

The cheer of the crowd – and not just a random crowd – we see his friends and family cheering – all that went on the journey with him… including his teammates and coaches… all the people he affected along the way.

The music was the icing on the cake.

[Deb Johnson]

The Matrix – Insights:

Cypher is deceptive, unbelieving, and vindictive. He doesn’t believe in Morpheus or Neo and acts accordingly. Each previous scene is a building to this scene – his breaking point and most extreme betrayal. He’s in full villain mode in this scene; the way he casually gets on/in the face of Trinity and Morpheus and, his cold-blooded murder of Epoch and Switch. He also, explains, in detail why he’s doing this.

He also plays out one of the themes of the movie – belief, and unbelief. Cypher is cold and heartless because he doesn’t believe any of it. His last line is “No, I don’t believe it.” To which Tank replies “Believe it or not… you’re still gonna burn.”

It’s interesting that he plays a typical villain role, but he is not Neo’s antagonist. Therefore, Neo does not defeat him. Neo defeats the Matrix, which is his journey. Cypher is a part of the sub-plot which gives depth and suspense to the overall story.

[Deb Johnson]

Turning Point

What I learned:

I looked at the turning point for my protagonist at the end of Act 1 and at the end of Act 2 and tried to elevate those scenes by making sure the event was part of the character’s journey, that it changed her life in some way (forever) and required her to up her game.

I’m not exactly thrilled with what I came up with. But I’m glad I did the assignment, and I can always circle back and do some more brainstorming to make these turning points stronger.

[Deb Johnson]

Turning Point – The Matrix

What stands out to me is the clear turning points that take place in this scene. I’ve seen this movie many times, yet see this technique for the first time. This is part of Neo’s journey that changes his life forever and requires him to “up his game.”

What also struck me was how the writer expressed the depth of his character in this scene. Sometimes when we see something and are familiar with it – we don’t think it could possibly go any other way. That’s not true. It could have played out a dozen different ways – but the way it’s written expresses his character perfectly.

I see some of his core traits as: curios, reserved, a fighter – and in this scene, these characteristics are expressed:

In a very slow, almost unemotional way, he leaves his “known” world and enters “reality.” When he “wakes up” in the pod, he doesn’t just lie there – he fights his way out of the membrane and then curiously looks about him. He tries to resist the spider machine that frees him from the brain link. He fights to stay above water – even though he has no physical strength. He only stops moving as he yields to the crane that raises him to the ship. There is a strength of character that comes through – even at his most vulnerable, he fights for his life.

[Deb Johnson]

As I went back over my character introductions, it was helpful to go through the checklist for each one in order to create a challenging situation, give some interesting dialogue, make sure the action fits their character and gives insight into who they really are.

This took some time, and wasn’t easy – it required a lot of brainstorming – but was worth the effort.

[Deb Johnson]

<div>The Godfather</div>

The writer creates suspense as we listen to the man’s story and wonder who he is talking to. They don’t reveal the Don’s face till the man whispers his request (which is denied).

The Don is a great character because he is relaxed, reasonable, and a family man – yet he’s the head of a crime family. He wants people to respect him and extend to him friendship – he’s not interested in their money… only in what they may be able to do for him someday in return for the favor. There is a lot of talking, yet it’s engaging because it reveals the depth of the character.

[Deb Johnson]

Giving each character their own character journey was enlightening. It brought them into sharper contrast. It also made me re-think my overall 3 Act Structure and how they fit into it. Finally, I came up with a fun ending for one of the characters that I had never thought of before – which elevated the entire story.

[Deb Johnson]

The Proposal –

Though I’ve never seen this movie, you can see the whole story simply from the trailer. Just like if you want to get the gist of any kids’ movie, get the early reader book version from the library.

Their character journeys are similar – although they have different motivations. This is more of a “validation” exercise for me – because my main characters do have their own journey. However, I will plot them on the “Character Journey Structure” because I think it will help clarify each journey and expose any “holes”.

Silence of the Lambs

It is, again, very easy to see both characters’ journeys from this trailer… and while they leave the ending ambiguous, we know that Clarise is going to go from “not scaring easily” to being terrified. And we can also see that Hannibal is going to go from being incarcerated to being free. Which again, makes it clear, that every character has a beginning, middle, and end.

[Deb Johnson]

In my story, my protagonist does have a “crush” that will grow as the story plays out. It’s important that I create these small moments as the chemistry grows between them.

[Deb Johnson]

It helped that I did not see this movie – because I had to judge the scene all by itself. It’s wonderfully written, as it was easy to fill in the blanks simply by watching what was presented. This is the first time we see their attraction – so it’s subtle – a simple look, a kiss of the hand. While he’s impressed by her talent, it’s obvious that there is something more going on. It’s an intriguing scene that makes me want to see the whole film. Again, great writing.

[Deb Johnson]

The relationship between my villain and her two henchmen is rife with triangle possibilities. This will make for some fun interplay whenever they are together.

[Deb Johnson]

Triangles are a great way to set up/maintain conflict. Danny has disrupted the balance between Terry and Tess – now we wonder how this will all play out. It’s not just a movie about a heist.

Two things I noticed.

First – we see a great example of “Living into their Future”. Danny shows up before Terry – meaning, Danny will always be one step ahead of Terry. (This is also an example of the past playing out – because Danny was in Tess’ life before Terry).

Second – I saw an example of “Belonging Together”: When Terry asks Danny to stay for a drink, Tess and Danny both say together: “He can’t”, “I can’t”.

[Deb Johnson]

I was able to identify two places where I can capitalize on a Power Struggle. I did not see this before – so it’s definitely a breakthrough:

Power Struggle 1 – between the villain and her audience

Our villain starts her show singing “Feelings” to a live video feed. She’s getting absolutely trashed online. The hecklers are “throwing tomatoes” so to speak. But she ignores it and powers through. She will experience the same disdain every time she engages with them.

Power Struggle 2 – between the protagonist and one of her friends

Between Ruby and BJ – Ruby thinks she’s always right and BJ is just used to having his own way. This is a great foundation to build a power struggle between the two every time they are in a scene together.

[Deb Johnson]

A power struggle, in this case, overt, makes for interesting and powerful drama.

I think the takeaway – for me – in this scene – is that the “Right Character” plays out this drama.

Coach Boon is completely sure of himself and won’t be intimidated. Gerry thinks he’s got a winning hand, but when he folds, he’s got nothing. He acquiesces and gets on the bus.

If Gerry didn’t get on the bus, if he walked away, we would have a different movie. (We’d have Hoosiers maybe).

So, it all depends on how I want the struggle to play out to tell my story.

All in all, power struggles are, well, powerful. 🙂

[Deb Johnson]

A scene where my mismatched allies are forced together in Act 1.

Not only do I now understand that this is necessary, but it will also be fun to watch.

In my screenplay, five very different tweens must unite to defeat the villain. I decided to give them a scene where, in music class, they are assigned a song they must sing as a quintet.

This builds on the “belonging together” scenes that I wrote where they all listen to the same song.

In this “mismatched allies” scene, all their personal dynamics will be on display and show how they will live into their future.

[Deb Johnson]

Another incredible scene displays two mismatched allies. The writers and the actors just nail it. After this scene – you wonder how in the world could these two ever get along. It provides wonderful suspense.

They both have relevant secrets:

You can’t tell from this scene – but Don is gay.

Also – we know – not from this scene – that though Tony did have two black men over to his house, it was to do work – and he was so disgusted that they drank from his glasses that he threw them away. Tony’s relevant secret is that he does have disdain for black people.

These secrets later get them both in trouble.

The drama that this scene is built around is Tony’s desperate need for a job and Don’s desperate need for someone to look out for his well-being. The scene is set in Don’s “office” which looks more like a museum. Tony is walking in blind – doesn’t understand who Don is or what he needs.

How are they living in their future?

Notice how Don steps down from his “throne”. This is his future. He gets off his isolated high horse (so to speak).

Notice how Tony refuses the job because he knows his limits – it shows that he’s not all about money… that he’s willing to walk away if the situation isn’t right. (This is also his future.)

Finally – they are perfectly mismatched:

Tony – blue collar, unfiltered, lippy (a good bullshitter)

Don – highbrow, honest (straight shooter), carefully worded

[Deb Johnson]

Reading the comments by the fans on YouTube was helpful – they translate the Latin and give some interesting insights.

It was interesting that this scene takes place in a saloon, near the gambling table. These two, in a sense, are “playing a game” to see who is better, who is bluffing, and who will win.

It’s important to have a scene like this to set up the tension and the inevitability of the climax.

These characters are worthy opponents – both are smart, have gun skills, and are known by their reputations. And while Johnny may be intimidating, Doc keeps his cool, makes fun of Johnny, and de-escalates the situation for the time being.

[Deb Johnson]

I have five tweens in my current screenplay who start out only marginally as friends – but later unite to defeat the villain in the story. Because they are all different – I now understand that I need to show upfront (and throughout) that these characters belong together.

So, in their introductory scenes – they will all be listening to, singing, or dancing to the same song (“It’s Raining Tacos”) as they get their Halloween costumes ready for trick or treating that night.

This will establish that, while they may be different in other ways – they all like the same song – and they are all super excited about costumes and trick-or-treating.

[Deb Johnson]

• They are both Angry/combative, can’t be “handled”, opposing three/ four other people

• Tom is very calm, cool, and collected – a great balance for both the Horse and Red.

• We know that Red has been abandoned and nobody wants to work with the Horse

• Secret revealed: This scene is set up in two ways – first – we only hear the pounding of the hooves against the stable wall as the Owners talk to Tom about his “spirit” and wonder if anyone could ride him. Tom assures that there is. In the next scene – he brings in a Jockey who is attacked by the horse (it rips his shirt) and claims the horse is “crazy” … but Tom sees (and we see) Red – in the background – fighting – swinging a bucket – to fend off 4 men. So it is an unfolding of these events – that give us a clear picture of how these two belong together.

• They are living into their future by being stubborn, obstinate characters who will have their own way – which will make them winners in the end. Tom thinks you’ve got to “have spirit” to win.

This is such a wonderful/memorable scene. Seen through the eyes of Tom – who acknowledges that the horse “has spirit” – he realizes how hard it will be to find a rider when the horse rips the first Jockeys’ shirt. He then notices the same “spirit” in Red – who’s fighting with four men (swinging a bucket!). The immediate juxtaposition – as with the scene in “Sleepless in Seattle” – is a perfect way to show that these characters belong together.

I think my big takeaway is – don’t be afraid to create a scene like this in order to show that the two characters belong together – thinking it’s “too obvious” for the audience. It’s not. It works.

[Deb Johnson]

It’s great that we have the cuts back and forth to see Annie’s reaction. This is an immediate and obvious connection. They also have some of the same dialogue – indicating they think alike. Annie really shows that she has compassion and an understanding of Sam. Sam, willing to go along with his son (on the phone, doing something he doesn’t want to do), shows that he cares for him. And, of course, providing feedback from “Dr. Marsha” is a hint that maybe Sam isn’t ok and does need help getting over his loss and finding someone new in his life. This all happens in 2 minutes. Wonderful.

[Deb Johnson]

I have a very rough one-page that’s going through a rewrite. It has many holes as I continue to brainstorm. If anyone wants to give feedback – let me know. Also – I don’t know how to send a Private Message – so let me know how to do that and I will follow through.

Also – is it weird that the label on this particular forum is Week 4? Shouldn’t it be week 1?

I also notice that some class members are posting a week or two ahead in the forums. My class started last week, May 15. Did we all start at the same time?

[Deb Johnson]

I am grappling with why my villain does what she does and how she goes about doing it. This is the question. I brainstormed yesterday over this question and did not come up with anything brilliant. Today, I presented a different question: What is my villain’s wound? Again – not spectacular results – but I was glad to have this different question to brainstorm… coming at it from a different angle.

[Deb Johnson]

The reason this is great (from a writing perspective) is because the characters are perfectly balanced and their core wounds are in direct opposition to one another. This delivers drama.

Skyler refuses to be rejected by Will’s “made up” excuses because she loves him. Will pushes back because he believes his world is too dangerous and ugly for Skyler – they are from two different worlds.

It’s just like the opposing characters in “The Banshees of Inisherin”. If Padraic would have just given Colm some space, the events of the story would not have escalated as they did. But Padraic loves/cares for/doesn’t want to lose Colm and refuses to let him go – thus, the conflict ensues… both taking extreme action as a result.

[Deb Johnson]

Insight into what I will call “the power of three”

Today’s scenes from “Lost” breaks down in this way:

1) A hint about the secret from someone else about “person A”

2) A partial revelation of the secret from “person A”

3) A revelation of the secret from “persona A” point of view – which leads to more questions/intrigue

How I applied this today:

Currently, I’m working on restructuring my story outline. This helped because I decided to put one of my characters as a young “witness” to a crime… but he doesn’t quite understand what’s going on. Flash forward to him when he’s older – now he’s suspicious. Finally, he will reveal his suspicions about what happened… which will lead to more questions. So, he’s now 1) involved from the beginning – and the audience will wonder, along with him, about what he saw, 2) how he understands it later – and eventually 3) how he will go about ‘solving’ the crime. This is taking it through “the power of three”.

[Deb Johnson]

This was tough because I’d never seen this show! That being said…

How is Kate’s secret set up?

A dying man, Marshall, on a beach, being treated by Jack, says “She’s dangerous – you have to find her and bring her back”. Marshall tells Jack to get a ‘mug shot’ flyer from his jacket pocket nearby. Jack realizes Kate is a fugitive

What causes demand to know what the secret is?

Because “she’s dangerous” we need to know what the danger is – what the secret is

Through a game of “I never” a drinking game with Sawyer, Kate admits she killed a man. And so did Sawyer – but we still don’t know why or what happened.

How is Kate’s secret revealed?

In flashback? – we see her put a drunk guy to bed and then blow up his house.

Watch 2nd time for:

What drama was this scene built around?

1) The marshal, in a fever warns about Kate – he’s concerned about his handcuffs. The other guy finds the picture of Kate as a fugitive.

2) The second scene is relaxed around the campfire where the two play a “get to know you” game – which turns ugly when they both reveal they’ve killed someone.

3) Finally, we see what Kate did – all up in a fiery blaze.

What traits showed up in these characters’ words and actions?

Jack – concerned, wanting to help, conflicted

Kate – reserved, contemplative, tough, methodical

Sawyer – manipulative, likes games, not ashamed

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned:

I must examine my concept and conflict to make sure that my characters not only fit – but elevate both elements.

I decided to look again at my villain’s character traits and re-think how the protagonists’ character traits are either opposite or balance them in some way.

And then, I looked again at the concept/conflict that I’m creating – my theme – and make sure that my characters are the best expression of this theme.

So Junah has given up on life and Vance comes to him to help him find harmony and healing.

The script/characters wouldn’t work without this balance. This is tricky!

[Deb Johnson]

1st time:

Where is Junah coming from?

Frustrated

Impatient

Angry

Where is Bagger Vance coming from?

Out of the night

At complete ease

Interrupting

Looking for harmony

What makes them right for their roles in this movie?

Junah is frustrated and though he’s lost his swing and given up – he still can’t give it up.

Bagger Vance seems to handle Junah with ease and finesse. Offers to be his caddie. Reveals he knows who Junah is. Shows that he knows the game of golf. Encourages Junah to find his swing. Junah finds it.

This is the balance – someone who is very close to giving up is met by someone who can help him keep going and do better.

2nd Time:

What drama was this scene built around?

The scene was built upon the drama of Junah hitting golf balls – frustrated over his poor shots. It’s interesting that Bagger Vance comes up right in the middle of his play (not from behind)… putting himself in “danger”. Yet – he comments that – the way Junah was playing – there was no danger.

Character Traits:

Junah

Cursing/Frustrated

Hospitable

Defeated

Honest – upfront

Lost his swing

Bagger

Enjoys God’s nature

Philosophical ‘ “rhythm of the game just like the rhythm of life.”

Indirect in his approach

Good at/Knows the game of golf

Looking for Harmony

[Deb Johnson]

What I learned:

Upon further reflection – “What does it mean for a character to live into their future?” – I think it implies that something in that scene – what they are currently engaging in and talking about – is a glimpse of what they will be doing in the future.

This was implicit in “The Devil Wears Prada” scene where we see Miranda expressing and living in her “disappointment” – because later, Andy will be her “greatest disappointment”.

In “Good Will Hunting” – Will is living in his future because he’s “wicked smart” and uses his intelligence as a weapon. Will is always fighting – keeping his guard up and resisting. We know in the end that he will finally give up fighting and allow love into his life.

In “The Terminator” – Sarah is bandaging a wound – she’s living into her future as someone who will contribute to the wellbeing of humanity (binding up their wounds – so to speak). Her ability to do this well is surprising to her (and to us.) But it tells her future.

Reese is injured and receives care. He’s living into his future by being the one who is wounded. He will later die for the cause.

How I applied this to my work:

1) Every scene needs to be settled into some sort of inherent drama. A physical or emotional space that is challenging.

2) My characters need to Live into their future with their ACTIONS. They must be doing something physically that expresses who they are as a character.

3) In my current script: First I figured out what each character’s future was going to be. Though I had a vague idea for most, this exercise forced me to commit to something. I know I can change it later if I need to – but this was just for this assignment. Then, for each character’s introductory scene, I brainstormed how I could manifest their future in a physical way – in a physical space that challenged them in some way – forcing this trait to manifest itself.

[Deb Johnson]

1st time:

What future is Sarah Connor living into? She’s going to be the mother of John Connor, teach him all the things he needs to know to be a leader and a fighter.

What future is Kyle Reese living into? He volunteered to go back and save Sarah – to meet the “legend”. He comes from a world where everyone must hide during the day and move about at night to avoid the enemy. He must keep Sarah safe and on the right path because “the future is not set”

What is Sarah’s transformation that is implied by this scene? That someone who “can’t even balance her checkbook” is going to become a great mother and raise a son who will save the world.

2nd time:

What drama was this scene built around?

Driven as far as they could – out of gas. There’s a massive manhunt out for them. They hide the car. Then hide under an overpass. It’s cold and they have few supplies to survive.

What traits showed up in these two characters’ words and actions?

Sarah

Compassionate: she’s interested in who Reese is and where he’s from. She’s concerned about his wound.

Comforted by words: She needs Reese to talk to comfort and reassure her.

Curios – wants to know about the future – Asks who the father is – but doesn’t want to know too much.

Competent – Though she’s never wrapped a wound – she does a good job.

Sarah is a reluctant hero – “I didn’t ask for this.”

Reese

Overall – matter of fact – not intense or overdramatic

He’s tough – not bothered by his wound.

Protector – Reese memorized the line to encourage Sarah, wants her to sleep – get some rest.

Aware of himself and his enemy – Sees himself as a soldier – Says he’d “die for John Connor”. Knows that the enemy is dangerous but “not too bright”

Interesting how he explains time travel – Reese says time travel is like “being born”

[Deb Johnson]

I think what I learned today is from a combination of both scenes from – “The Devil Wears Prada” and “Good Will Hunting.”

The main character – or at least one of the main characters (either the hero or the villain) need to be THE BEST at something. Like in an extraordinary way… not just marginal or just as good as everyone else… but extreme. It’s kind of like Steve Harrington in “Stranger Things” – in this ensemble cast, he plays the role of someone who is completely fearless – he willingly and always will walk into danger ahead of everyone else. This is his extreme personality trait.

In my own work, which is an ensemble cast, I decided to take my main characters up a notch. Giving them all at least one extreme character trait. I haven’t figured them all out yet, but this is my goal.

[Deb Johnson]

1st time – what traits do I see or hear:

Will: Wicked smart, Loyal to his friends, Uses his wits or his fists

Skylar: Kind, Likes to laugh/go along, Defends the “weak”

Chuckie: Ladies man, Friendly, Doesn’t know what he doesn’t know

What drama did the writers create to trigger and deliver these traits?

They wanted to put Chuckie in a situation where Will had to defend him with his “smarts”. They also needed to introduce Skylar – and show how she can be fun and compassionate. The Jerk graduate student – interfering with the pick-up – allowed all of this to happen.

They picked a Harvard Bar – because they wanted to meet smart girls? Different girls? I think, in the previous scene, they picked a fight and didn’t want to go to their usual place so there wouldn’t be repercussions. (they all have some sort of cut or bruise on their face from fighting)

1. They took Will’s knowledge to an extreme. He didn’t just banter about the topic – he gave a complete rundown of the history and an analysis of all the historians who discussed the topic – even quoting and reciting the page number from a specific book. He’s not only smart at math – he’s smart about everything. He’s a genius. He also understands what it is to be a decent human being “Don’t do that”. Finally – even though he’s super smart and can quote all these books and has all this knowledge, he understands that it’s more important to be “original” and have your own thoughts and think your own mind.

2. At first Chuckie doesn’t realize he’s being made fun of – but when he does, he starts to get mad and that’s when Will steps in. His last line “How do you like me now?” as he stands behind the power of Will – is great.

3. The final line “My boy’s Wicked Smart” sums up what the scene was – a fight – Will uses his brilliance as a weapon. This is his character – he’s always fighting.

4. Right out of the gate we see how kind Skyler is – we know right away that she’s “on” to Chuckie – but she plays along. It’s funny how she finishes his line for him “Come here often” – which flips it and makes him answer the question. She doesn’t do it on purpose – but he takes the bait anyway. She can handle herself and doesn’t need the “jerk’s” help.

This was a wonderful way to introduce these characters. It’s an unforgettable scene. The friends behind “the Jerk” at first lean in – enjoying him making fun of Chuckie – but then when Will takes over they are all sort of dumbfounded at his brilliance. The first background friend walks away and the others soon follow.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb Johnson agrees:

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Deb Johnson]

Hello! My name is Deb Johnson, I’ve written 7 scripts. I hope to see how the pros have developed their characters for the screen – especially the balance between the leads – and translate that work to my own writing. I homeschool my children and have recently gotten back into screenwriting. Glad to be here!

By the way – I just completed the Professional Rewrite course and it was Amazing (yes, Amazing with a capital A). If you have a script that you want to kick up to 11, take this class… put all your preconceived notions aside and enjoy the ride.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s ready to exchange scripts.

Not sure if this is the “Request to Exchange Scripts Here” – but it is lesson 18!

I did my wordsmithing and am ready to exchange. I can open PDF or Final Draft.

my email: ddomm1130@hotmail.com

If you are able to read my script, let me know because I’m submitting it to a few venues and I’m looking for a quick turnaround. I’ll get back to you a.s.a.p. on your script as well.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Descriptions

What I learned doing this assignment… My description desperately needed to go on a diet. Thanks to Hal’s four questions, I was able to trim 12 pages! I learned how to make my descriptions necessary, clear, concise, and in some instances, meaningful.

Currently, I do not have any descriptions that I need help with.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Amazing Opening Scene (Screenplay Title: The Plastic Bag)

What I learned doing this assignment is… when I first read this assignment, I thought to myself, well, I’ve worked this open quite a bit – I’m sure there’s nothing to be changed. I was wrong. I came up with several alternative opens that could all work in one way or another. I went with a completely new first page which expanded/revamped what I was already working with. The dialogue, also, became more extreme.

Original 1st Page:

INT. SMALL CHURCH – DAY

The room is diffused with light. From the back, we see about 20 people scattered among pews that would hold 200. Towards the front are three people: a taller woman, a shorter woman, and a power wheelchair with a headrest. The pastor, his back to the congregation, wears a white chasuble and stole. He, too, faces the altar/cross.

ALL: The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love.

Everyone, in silhouette, is frozen in their positions. It’s quiet. Like we’re looking at a piece of art.

FADE OUT.

INT. SMALL KITCHEN AREA – DAY

A plastic grocery bag full of frozen fruit packages. On the counter is almond milk and fresh spinach. Hands carefully fill a blender with the ingredients.

YOUNG MAN’S VOICE (O.S.): Grandma, don’t put any spinach in mine.

Grandma puts the spinach in and starts the blender.

She steps away from the counter, and we see her body for she only wears a bra, a fun pendant necklace, and underwear. For 60 years old, it’s a beautiful body. We’re talking about Denise Austin gorgeous. She takes glasses out of the cupboard.

She stoops down to put on a pair of comfortable tennis shoes.

PAISLEY, 40, tight bun and sharp business suit brings her a lovely full-length gown and helps her into it.

PAISLEY: Wrinkles out, except the one in the back. I just couldn’t get it.

GRANDMA’S VOICE (O.S.): Nobody will see it. Unless they look for it.

Here are the three options I came up with:

1) The Setup/Twist Opening:

We see a series of cartoon animations that show a documentary about how plastic bags are made.

pull back to see we are watching this on a cell phone

the video switches to a church service

finally – we see that it’s Delia’s phone. She’s in bed. She turns it off and goes back to sleep.

END SCENE

2) The VO that’s unusual/Combined with/Instant Conflict

Delia (16) tells us this story in voice-over:

“When I was a kid, I was a superhero.”

FLASHBACK – Delia’s father walks down a hall. He carries a duffle bag. Delia (6) does a flying leap and embraces her father’s legs. He almost falls. She begs him not to go – he drags her down a hall.

• Mom pulls her off and Dad makes a quick dash/exit out the front door

• Delia runs for the door; mom locks the glass door.

“I used all my superpowers.”

• Delia crashes through the glass and jumps onto the hood of Dad’s car

• Mom takes her off the hood.

“But my family couldn’t be saved.”

• She reaches out to him, arms and feet bleeding, as he drives away, (a U-Haul attached to the back.)

“Now I’m just an angry teen who hates pretty much everything. Except for maybe pizza… and cats…”

• Present Day: Delia (16) stands at the same glass door wearing a coat and a backpack.

• She looks at the scars on her wrists

“I’ve heard that when a kid loses a parent it’s pretty traumatic. We like to play it down like it’s no big deal ’cause it’s so common – kind of like the way we see dead animals in the road – it’s horrible and disgusting, but it doesn’t bother us all that much.”

• Grandma Abby pulls up into the driveway – she’s got bugs splattered on her windshield

• Mom gives Delia a plastic bag full of snacks – Delia rolls her eyes

“I don’t know – there’s a lot to hate in this world. I see things for what they really are. And what really is – really sucks.”

• Delia exits the house and gets into Grandma Abby’s car

• She buckles up and pulls out her phone.

“And yes, like most teenagers, I’m addicted to my phone. I mean, it’s an escape. Right? Escape. Get away from this lousy world that I hate. Listen to music. See what’s going on. Give people a hard time. Watch other people do something stupid for 30 seconds. It makes me laugh. Is that so terrible?”

• Grandma Abby’s car drives away

“Let somebody else save the world.”

END SCENE

3) Intriguing scene from another place in the movie:

Delia says in V.O. “What possible mischief could a Plastic Bag make? Well, I almost died… “

EXT. PHONE STORE – NIGHT Through the windows we see Delia, Abby and the store clerk. Delia hands an iPhone to the store clerk. Abby and Delia argue and walk towards the exit and proceed out onto the sidewalk. ABBY: It’s called theft. You could go to jail. DELIA: Like you’re going to send me to jail. The traffic on the street is heavy and loud. ABBY: I might. If I thought it would help. DELIA: Why is everyone against me? ABBY: God you are such a drama queen… you can’t even hear yourself… me, me, me, I, I, I. DELIA: You don’t understand. You’re not listening to me. I need a phone. I need a phone. I need a phone. ABBY: I’m gonna kill Steve Jobs. Wait, he’s already dead. Abby laughs. Delia is furious. They both stand on the curb. DELIA: I can’t do this anymore. I try to explain myself as clearly as is humanly possible. But I can’t anymore. I can’t. You’re impossible. Everything is impossible. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. Delia steps off the curb into oncoming traffic. A Semi-Truck barrels toward her. ABBY: Delia! Abby grabs Delia by the hair and pulls her back to the curb.

Delia says in V.O. “OK, maybe I shouldn’t blame the plastic bag. Turns out, I had a lot to learn about a bunch of stuff. So maybe we should start at the beginning…”

END SCENE

Here are my revised First 3 pages: (I went w/ #1 – the setup/twist opening)

IN ANIMATED CARTOON: A cat in a construction hat is jerked by a jackhammer as it throws up the earth.

EXCITED NARRATOR: Plastic bags are made from polyethylene.

The sweating cat, in a lab coat, at a pot over an outdoor fire, takes a large bubble wand, and lifts a bubble from the pot.

EXCITED NARRATOR: Plastic extrusion makes a film that is stretched into sheets.

The cat, in a factory smock, picks a bag off the assembly line: it says, “Big Daddy Want You to Have a Nice Day.”

EXCITED NARRATOR: The sheets are rolled, cut, and customized.

The cat puts the bag over its head and runs around crazy.

EXCITED NARRATOR Don’t try this at home.

END ANIMATION.

CG: “1000 Cat Videos, End Playlist” It is a cell phone that plays the video.

It cuts to a crucifix and CG: “Up next: Evening Matins from St. Paul’s”.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

The phone is in DELIA’s hand, 16, who sleeps. She has a scar on her wrist. Her facial features are obscured in the dark.

INSERT FROM PHONE: INT. SMALL CHURCH – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS 20 people stand among pews. In particular: two women and a wheelchair. At the altar, the Pastor wears a white chasuble.

ALL (CHANTING): The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.”

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Delia stirs and looks at the phone, confused. She looks at the clock; 3:30 a.m. She turns off the screen, cuddles the phone, and goes back to sleep.

FADE OUT.

INT. SMALL KITCHEN AREA – DAY

A plastic grocery bag full of frozen fruit packages. On the counter is almond milk and fresh spinach. Hands carefully fill a blender with the ingredients.

YOUNG MAN’S VOICE (O.S.): Grandma, whatever you do, don’t put any spinach in my smoothie.

Grandma opens the bag of spinach.

YOUNG MAN’S VOICE (O.S.): I repeat. Do not, under any circumstances, put spinach in my smoothie.

Grandma takes two big handfuls of spinach, crams them in, and starts the blender. She steps away from the counter, and we see her body for she only wears a bra, a fun pendant necklace, and underwear. For 60 years old, it’s a beautiful body. We’re talking Denise Austin gorgeous. She takes glasses out of the cupboard.

She stoops down to put on a pair of comfortable tennis shoes.

PAISLEY, 40, tight bun and sharp business suit brings her a lovely full-length gown and helps her into it. PAISLEY: Wrinkles out, except the one in the back. I just couldn’t get it.

GRANDMA’S VOICE (O.S.): Nobody will see it. Unless they look for it.

The tennis shoes disappear beneath the bottom of the gown.

She stops the blender and pours the smoothie, inserts a straw, and delivers it to a YOUNG MAN in a power wheelchair who faces a large TV monitor. The Drew Barrymore Show is on.

ON SCREEN: DREW BARRYMORE holds a cell phone and refers to it.

DREW BARRYMORE: Who’s your daddy?

The audience laughs.

Grandma holds the glass; the young man sips the smoothie.

YOUNG MAN’S VOICE (O.S.): I can taste the spinach.

The door opens and a young PRODUCER enters.

PRODUCER: Torrie, we’re ready for you. Paisley takes the smoothie.

TORRIE (a.k.a. Grandma) exits.

INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS Producer leads Torrie through a set of hallways.

PRODUCER: Love that necklace.

TORRIE (O.C.): Thank you for noticing. I made it. would you like it?

Torrie takes the necklace off and offers it.

PRODUCER: Oh, no, I… I couldn’t take it.

TORRIE (O.C.): I can make another. Please.

Producer reluctantly but reverently takes it.

They are in a television studio just off the set of The Drew Barrymore Show. A soundman hooks up a microphone to Torrie.

DREW BARRYMORE: I’m so excited to introduce our next guest. You all remember her from that awesome tv show, “Force Five”, where she played the indomitable Carrie Ann. Yet, her career as an artist far exceeds her time on screen. She’s touring the States now with her “Plastic Bag” exhibit, which I can’t wait to see. Please welcome, Torrie Hartmann!

Torrie sweeps onstage to great, exuberant applause.

The Producer holds the necklace and walks down the hall.

CUT TO

INT. GREENROOM – CONTINUOUS The Producer enters holding the necklace. Paisley stands and hits her shin on an end table as she walks toward the door.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s memorable ending

What I’ve learned: This was tough because, throughout this entire rewrite, I have been searching for my ending, building it, tearing it down, and rebuilding it – so when I came to this assignment, it made me question everything all over again. However, going through the steps, confirmed to me that the structure is solid. I did make some minor changes to dialogue and detail, but that can’t be seen in this outline.

(I hope this doesn’t seem like a cop-out, because I did do the work – this is the first time in this class that I did not do a radical revision)

To whoever reads this: please provide insights into something that seems off or may be missing altogether.

Set up from Act 1:

We begin with a quick scene where Torrie, her daughter, and her grandson, Victor are in a church service, and the following versicles are chanted: “The Lord is merciful, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.”

Basic Outline:

The artist, Torrie, claims her artwork is not biographical or chronological but theological. What does she mean by this? When her old friend, Abby, brings her troubled teenage granddaughter, Delia to Torrie’s art exhibit, Torrie has a chance to “tell the story” of each piece of artwork (the artwork comes to life and we are ‘sucked into’ the story).

Meanwhile, we learn that Delia (who’s emotionally estranged from her mom) has been suspended from school for cyberbullying and is greatly distressed because Abby has destroyed her Smart Phone, something she’s addicted to.

Questions also presented: Where is Delia’s father? Where is Abby’s husband?

The artwork’s theme is “The Plastic Bag”. The bag changes hands and causes multiple stories as represented in the artwork.

Story 1: The Curse – how the bag comes to be cursed (a bag from a carry-out pizza place)

Story 2: Carry Out – a husband and wife save their child from suffocation

(set up: a father breathes life into his child)

Story 3: The Windshield – a near-car accident impedes the engagement of a young couple while a little brother makes mischief in the back seat. While on the side of the road, they save a kitten.

(set up: the young man (father figure) cuddles a bedraggled kitten)

Set up from Act 2:

Delia, though pining for her phone, becomes interested and engaged in the stories.

Note: The characters in Story 2 “Carry Out” (husband, wife, and baby) continue to make appearances as minor characters in the following stories:

Story 4: The Game – in “Capture the Bag” the nerd defeats the bully

(set up: the nerd (father figure) comforts the bully)

Story 5: Urgent Care – A mother persuades her son to allow the doctor to care for his injured hand

(set up: a mother who must act like a father is patient with her son)

When Torrie is pulled away, Delia meets Torrie’s grandson, Victor, who through an accident, is a quadriplegic. She is amazed by his sense of humor and his artistic abilities. We learn that Delia has deep scars from her own parents’ divorce (her father left and never returned).

Story 6: The Heist – An elderly man with dementia pulls off a theft but regrets it and makes amends

(set up: a father gains a great amount of money and gives it away)

As Delia continues to engage with Torrie, she becomes increasingly disillusioned with the “happy endings” the stories supply. She accuses Torrie of not being a real artist because she doesn’t tell the truth. She wonders about her own “happy ending” she fears will never come.

We understand now that The Plastic Bag is a metaphor for life, coming at us hard, and asking us, “What will you do with me?”.

Now we know about Delia’s father. But what about Abby’s husband?

Story 7: The Donation – A spendthrift is given a second chance at life but blows it again.

(set up: a father comes to his daughters’ rescue)

At the end of Act 2, Delia disappears.

3rd Act Current Structural Beats:

Plot Point 2 – Abby realizes that Delia has stolen her credit card and gone to buy a new phone. Abby goes after her.

Crisis – Abby stops Delia from buying the phone. The argument carries into the street and Delia is so distraught she steps off the curb into oncoming traffic. Abby grabs her by the hair and pulls her back.

Delia asks if life is always going to be this hard. Abby affirms, yes, life is hard.

Climax – The next day, they return to the art studio where Torrie shares the story of the final piece of artwork.

Story 8: The Party – An older sister resents her father for forgiving her wayward younger sister.

(set up: a father’s deep commitment and love for his family)

Torrie and Abby reveal to Delia that the stories in the artwork are about themselves (events that really happened in their own lives) – however, Torrie changed the endings of the stories to “happy endings”. The real stories are tragedies. In quick flashbacks, we see what really happened.

Story 2: In real life, Abby and her husband’s first child dies.

• At this point we have a pretty good picture of who Abby and her husband are in real life – as they are portrayed in different scenarios in the artwork.

Story 3: In a serious car accident, Victor becomes a quadriplegic

Story 4: A metaphor for Victor’s struggle to accept the tragedy that’s befallen him

Story 7: This is Torrie’s story of how she, too, was a troubled teenager and how she and Abby became friends.

Story 8: Torrie’s reconciliation with her father and her sister, eventually restored their family.

We are given the impression that perhaps Abby’s husband is no longer a part of her life; that the tragedy that befell their family tore them apart, and they too are divorced.

Now, Delia sees that life can be worse than she’s imagined… yet somehow, these people have survived.

Resolution – Torrie goes back over the paintings, in quick flashbacks, and explains why she re-shaped the stories. She confirms that her art is not biographical or chronological, but theological. She reveals her understanding of how God the Father is in every story, and what His disposition is; story 1) “the lord”, story 2) “is merciful”, story 3) “and gracious”, story 5) “slow to anger”, story 6) “abounding in”, story 7) “steadfast”, story 8) “love.”

Final Page – The return home. Abby and Delia return to Delia’s house and Delia reconciles with her mom. We also see that Abby’s husband is still a loving part of their family. They all share a carry-out meal on the porch and the plastic bag, which holds the food, gets caught up and carried away in the wind.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s most memorable lines

What I learned: This exercise gave me insight into these specific moments in the script and helped me separate them in precise ways. This was tough because there’s a certain amount of “epic” that you’re trying to reach. I don’t think I’ve shaped anything profound, but I know the lines are better than they were before.

These are just a few of the lines that I revised:

Delia’s first line:

Delia is being picked up by her grandmother to go on a road trip. She’s not looking forward to it.

What I want to deliver: I want Delia to express her unhappiness (in an exaggerated way – which is one of her core character traits) about having to go on this trip.

Before: Mom! Grandma’s here.

After: Mom! Grandma’s here. (aside) Let the torture begin.

Pammy’s first line:

Pammy gets bumped by her husband, Billy, coming through the front door. She’s not expecting him and almost spills her wine.

What I want to deliver: In the subtext that runs through this story, Billy represents a form of God. I want Pammy to address him in this manner.

Before: Billy, what the hell?

After: Good Lord, Billy

Victor’s first line:

Victor, a young man, is interrupted in his work and is astounded to see a pretty young girl, Delia, stumble into his office

What I want to deliver: I want more of his character to come through. One of his core traits is “life of the party”. Also – there is a subtext that Delia feels she’s “in hell”. While he doesn’t know this, exaggerated “Hell-o” gives a bit of irony to the situation.

Before: Hello!

After: Hell-o! If I knew you were coming, I would have baked you a cake.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb loves separating character dialogue

What I learned: Just when you think this class couldn’t get any better. What a huge game-changer. By separating out the dialogue and using the character profile to shape it, you are forced into a creative mode that you wouldn’t find otherwise. Brilliant assignment.

Note: while I had a good grip on some of the characters, I still could not hear Delia, my teenager with angst. By doing this assignment, it really helped me shape her and I even altered her profile because of it.

Character Name: Delia (lead)

Role in the story: High School student, daughter, granddaughter

Core Character Traits:

Self Aware

Addicted

Exaggerated

Stubborn

Character Subtext Logline: Delia is a stubborn teen, addicted to her phone, who is convinced that she’s better off isolated and alone.

Flaw: thinks she’s the only one who suffers

Want: To continue in her isolation Need: To have Faith in Goodness despite life’s trials

Character Arc: from isolation to re-connection with family

This is just the first scene:

Before: Huh?

After: What are you rambling on about?

Before: Where are we going anyway?

After: Where are we going cuz this looks like the road to hell.

Before: You should quit smoking.

After: I saw a commercial about a lady who smoked, and they cut half her face off.

Before: Why?

After: Impossible.

Before: How?

After: Shut the front door.

Before: Well, you’re driving.

After: Well, you’re driving, and I’d like to get to hell in one piece.

Before: Go back and get it!

After: Turn this piece of crap around and go get it!

Before: You are sick! What is your problem?

After: You are sick, twisted, and perverse! Why did you do that?

Here is another character I’m working on. Not quite happy with her yet. It’s true what Hal says; if you aren’t clear on who your characters are, they all end up sounding like you!

Character Name: Paisley

Role in the story: Torrie’s daughter and art curator, Victor’s mother (supporting)

Core Character Traits:

In the background

Precise

Scatterbrained

All business/formal

Character Subtext Logline: Paisley, though scatterbrained, manages to pull everything off with a modicum of success.

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: She’s juggling too much, but she doesn’t want to let anyone down.

One of the big changes I made, so far, in her dialogue is that I made her speak more formally, in keeping with her core character traits.

Before: I couldn’t get that one wrinkle out of the back.

After: Wrinkles out, except for one in the back. I just couldn’t get it.

Before: Awe, gee, honey I spilled it.

After: Oh! Honey, I spilled it.

Before: That one guy is looking for you. I’m sorry, I can’t remember his name. The art critic guy.

After: There’s a handsome, older gentleman looking for you. Of course, I can’t remember his name. He’s an art critic.

Before: She’ll catch up with you in a little bit…

After: She will circle back in a little while.

Before: Oh my god, I’m so sorry!

After: Excuse me.

Before: Mother, that art critic guy wants a word before he leaves.

After: Mother, the art critic, who’s name escapes me, would like a word with you before he leaves.

Before: So, that’s a wait?

after: I will tell him to wait?

Before: I guess that’s a wait.

After: Yes, of course.

Before: Just coming to see if you needed saving.

After: I came to see if you needed saving.

Before: Hey, mom.

After: Mother Dear.

Before: Well, I just saw them… no, you’re right, you’re right. But listen, we’ve really got to get some photos of you with people.

After: Yes, of course, you’re right. Listen, we need to get some photos of you with people.

Before: Oh, yeah, I know this… He’s working in the back office.

After: This I know. He is working in the back office.

Before: Yes, have you met him? You should go say hello. Excuse me a second. I’m sure there’s something I should be doing right now.

After: Yes. You must stop in and say hello. He loves visitors. Please excuse me. I’m sure there’s something else I should be doing right now. I’m just not sure what it is.

Before: Actually, they’re not for mom. I’m pretty sure they’re for Delia.

After: These are not for mother. I’m positive they are for Delia.

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Deb Johnson.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Deb Johnson.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Dramatic Scene Transitions

What I learned: This is fun. While this assignment was helpful throughout, it was especially enlightening for a particular section of my script which involves a back and forth from present day to a fictional story. In my original, I used straight cuts, but in my revision, I use the overlap transition. I feel it helped maintain the continuity of the story because the cuts are very quick. We now continue to HEAR the children in the background, even though, for a moment, we return to the present day art studio.

Here’s the set up via the beat:

EXT – BACKYARD/WOODS – DAY

Torrie, the artist, at her art studio premier, is telling the story of her artwork. We are sucked into the artwork, but there is the occasional back and forth from present day as Torrie is interrupted for photos with other guests.

The artwork story stars Reggie (10), BJ (12), BJ’s sister, Kit (6), Axel (10), and Nancy (11). A game of “Capture the Flag” (the Plastic Bag is ‘the flag’). When it seems as though BJ, the bully, will win (to the peril of all others), it is the nerd, Axel, who is triumphant and BJ who must make a trip to the emergency room.

Here is an Overlap Transition: (the kids race through the woods, Kit gets lost)

KIT: I’m all alone!

There is a scuttle in the leaves. Kit SCREAMS and takes off.

CUT TO:

INT. MODEST ART STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Torrie poses with an attractive, older man with a genuine smile who wears a leather beret with a brim.

KIT (V.O.) Where did everybody go?

There is the sound of Scuttle Through Leaves.

CUT TO:

(Back to the rest of the woods scene)

Here is a Visual Transition: (this connects Kit & Axel – as they will team up later)

Kit looks about, turns around twice, thinks, then moves on.

KIT: (singing) No wild animal is gonna tear me apart because I’m a bad ask. Oh, yeah, I’m a bad ask.

BJ: (O.S.) Shut up, Kit

Kit continues her song, skipping along. She looks up the trunk of a tall tree and sees a squirrel.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS – CONTINUOUS

Down the trunk of a tall tree, a squirrel runs. Axel slowly and carefully picks his way through the woods.

He looks high and low but is in no hurry at all. The squirrel darts down and across his path. He’s amused.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Elevated Scene Structures

What I’ve learned: It all goes back to getting clarity on the scene and finding a way to elevate it. The scene structure is a way to change the emotional state of the audience. It made me stop and think “what emotional state am I going for?”. This helped as I went through each structure option to make the best choice for that scene.

Here’s the original scene beat:

INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

The next day, Abby, and Delia return to the studio to apologize and say goodbye. Though empty of patrons, there is much activity as they prepare for the second showing (custodial staff, caterers). A cat wanders around the room. Paisley and Victor are also there. Victoria insists they stay and view her last piece of art. She introduces “The Ending”.

What the scene accomplishes:

a. an introduction of the last piece of art.

b. A way to get everyone together for the “reveal”.

c. A way for Abby and Delia to apologize for disappearing the night before.

Components:

The next day – Abby and Delia show up to the art studio.

Most of the group is already there – they apologize.

Before they leave, Torrie insists on showing them her last piece of art.

Scene Structures that might work:

Irony – Delia is not sorry for disappearing the night before.

Misinterpretation – Someone mistakes Abby and Delia for a cleaning crew.

Competitive Agendas – Paisley wants one thing, but Abby wants another.

Selection: Misinterpretation:

What I want the audience to feel: I want to lighten the mood – after the intense scene we just left (Delia almost gets hit by a truck). So, a funny Misinterpretation might work well. In the original scene, Abby and Delia simply walk in and greet Torrie. In this revised scene, I’ve added some confusion over who Abby and Delia are…

NEW SCENE:

INT. MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

The sun shines through the windows. Abby and Delia enter through the front door. Though empty of patrons there is much activity in preparation for the second showing.

Custodial staff sweep floors and clean surfaces. Caterers bring in boxes of liquor and fill the bar.

A SEVERE WOMAN wears a cleaning smock. Her long hair is braided and wrapped around her head. She carries a mop.

SEVERE WOMAN: It is time about you two shows up. Here, there is broken case of champagne that need is mop up.

Abby looks at the mop.

SEVERE WOMAN: And look out for damn cat. She nearly executed me.

ABBY: We’re not here to clean.

SEVERE WOMAN: Oh, well excuse me. But that is why agency call us.

ABBY: No, you don’t understand…

SEVERE WOMAN: No, I get. I get. Never mind, I do myself.

The Severe Woman huffs off. Delia and Abby look at each other and laugh. Torrie spots them from the back.

TORRIE: We’re back here!

Cleo, the cat, wanders around the room. Paisley sits at the end of the bar next to Victor, in his wheelchair.

VICTOR: Well, look who the cat dragged in!

Torrie crosses to greet them.

ABBY: I’m so sorry about last night.

Torrie and Abby hug.

TORRIE: And how is everyone?

DELIA: We’re fine. Hi Victor.

Delia crosses to Victor.

VICTOR: I’m sorry for ratting you out.

DELIA: It’s okay.

VICTOR: So, I’m guessing you didn’t get your phone.

DELIA: Nope.

Cleo the cat circles Delia’s legs. Delia pets her.

ABBY: We just came to say goodbye.

TORRIE: But you can’t leave. Not yet.

ABBY: Why?

TORRIE: You Must see and hear The End. You absolutely must.

DELIA: I’d like that.

TORRIE: Come here, dear.

Abby and Delia follow Torrie to the last piece of artwork. From a distance, the Severe Woman gives them the evil eye.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Meaningful Action

What I learned: Whoo Boy – this assignment was amazing. What an easy yet dynamic way to add layers to these scenes and make them so much more visually powerful. Thank You, Hal!

Before: Jessie must confront her father, Allen, who shows signs of early dementia and ask him to come and live with her. She loves him and doesn’t want to insult him, so she must be careful and respectful so he can keep his dignity. In my first pass, this was just two talking heads. The transformation was astounding.

Deep Meaning: It’s a scene about the child becoming the parent.

After: I put in all sorts of action where we see Jessie doing things for her dad that he is no longer able to do for himself. It’s visually apparent that Allen needs help.

INT. JUNKY APARTMENT KITCHEN – NIGHT

This small, first-floor apartment is sparsely furnished and full of junk; piles of newspapers, random boxes and bags.

The main entrance is through the attached living room. There is a small gas fireplace blazing.

Behind the kitchen table is a sliding glass door.

On the counter is an old-fashioned boom box – a radio with a cassette player. It’s on and we hear a commercial:

RADIO ANNOUNCER (v.O.): Big Daddy’s is having a two-for-one special right now. That’s right, two pizzas for the price of one.

ALLEN sits at the table. He’s 68 years old and in need of a shower, shave, and haircut. He stares blankly at nothing.

The DOORBELL RINGS.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Don’t bother cooking dinner tonight, let our family take care of your family. And remember, Big Daddy wants you to have a nice…

Allen gets up, turns off the radio, and crosses to the front door. He wears socks, but no pants. His shirt barely covers up his butt. He opens the door.

Jessie stands at the door with the Plastic Bag full of foodstuff.

ALLEN: Jessie! What happened? I’ve been worried sick.

JESSIE: Oh, Dad! Where are your pants?

Jessie quickly turns her face away and lets herself in. She shuts the door abruptly behind her.

ALLEN: I haven’t heard from you in over a month!

JESSIE: Daddy, I was just here last week and we talked on the phone yesterday. Where are your pants?

ALLEN: Oh. Yeah, uh, over by the fireplace.

Jessie, still turned from her father, puts the Plastic Bag on the kitchen table and returns to the fireplace.

Allen is confused. He eyes the Plastic Bag.

ALLEN: Is that Big Daddy’s?

JESSIE: Oh, the bag. No.

Jessie picks up a rumpled pair of pants off the floor. She sniffs and makes a sour face.

Allen unloads the contents; Tupperware filled with beef stew, a loaf of bread, cookies, a 1/2 gallon of milk.

Jessie retreats behind a bedroom door.

JESSIE (O.C.): Funny story about this bag. BJ, you remember, I had to take him to Urgent Care. He had this bag wrapped around his hand. Wouldn’t let anyone take it off!

Allen sits at the table, eyes the food – disappointed.

ALLEN: Oh, I thought it was Big Daddy’s.

Jessie reemerges with a folded, clean pair of pants.

JESSIE: Here, Daddy. I… put these on…

Allen takes the pants and thinks for a moment. Then puts them on.

JESSIE: We finally got it off and I had to stuff it in my purse – just to hide it. He had a dislocated finger, but he was hysterical.

ALLEN: That kid’s a menace.

JESSIE: That’s your grandson, pop.

She ruffles his hair a bit.

JESSIE: You don’t look so good. You ok?

ALLEN: What am I supposed to do with all of this?

JESSIE: I thought you might be hungry.

ALLEN: Oh. Oh, yeah. I guess I am.

Jessie grabs a cookie and eats it while she puts the beef stew in the microwave.

JESSIE: Dad. Dad, I wanted to ask you… if you thought about it anymore… about you coming to live with us.

She eyes the sink full of dishes and sighs.

ALLEN: You want me to? Why?

Jessie washes the dishes.

JESSIE: I just think it might be easier for you… I mean… financially… since…

ALLEN: Since Dennis lost all my investments last year.

JESSIE: Yes… and…

ALLEN: Well, what does Brad say?

The microwave DINGS. Jessie shuts off the water and retrieves the stew.

JESSIE: Brad?

ALLEN: Yeah. Brad. Your husband.

JESSIE: Daddy, Brad died. Remember?

Allen is shocked. Jessie gives him the stew and a fork.

ALLEN: When? How?

JESSIE: It’s been three years… the car accident…

ALLEN: Why didn’t anyone tell me?

Allen takes his shoes and puts them on. He fumbles with the laces.

JESSIE: Dad, I know you like your space, but I think you might be… I mean your brain…

Jessie bends down to tie her dads shoes.

JESSIE: With your brains, the kids and I… we could use your help around the house.

ALLEN: Those two still dating?

JESSIE: What? Who?

ALLEN: What’s their names? BJ and Kit – they still together?

JESSIE: Yes… they’re brother and sister… Listen, dad. I could really use your help around the house. We need you.

ALLEN: You need me?

The DOORBELL RINGS. Jessie stands and crosses to answer.

JESSIE: You expecting somebody?

Allen shifts nervously. Jessie goes to the door.

ALLEN: Yes. No. I don’t know.

Allen grabs and eats a cookie. He stuffs more in his pocket.

He takes the Plastic Bag and shoves it in his other pocket.

Jessie opens the door to DENNIS, 58 years. He’s a younger, more sinister version of Allen and better groomed.

JESSIE: Uncle Dennis!?

DENNIS: Jessie… hey, Allen, ready to go?

JESSIE: I didn’t know you guys were hanging out. What are you two up to?

Allen, extremely uncomfortable, stands and fumbles his hands.

DENNIS: Just taking your dad bowling.

JESSIE: Oh?

She looks at Allen.

ALLEN: Oh, yes. Hey, Dennis, let me just get my, um, jacket.

Jessie puts the beef stew and milk into the fridge.

Allen grabs his jacket and puts it on.

JESSIE: Ok. Well, you guys have fun… I guess…

Jessie eyes the sink full of dirty dishes.

JESSIE: I’ll just stay here and clean up a bit…

Jessie grabs a cookie and eats it.

ALLEN: You don’t have to do that, honey.

DENNIS: Tick tock. Boy’s are waiting.

JESSIE: I don’t mind, Daddy. Go ahead. I’ll call you tomorrow. Think about it. Ok?

ALLEN: Sure. Sure I will. Ok. (to Dennis) Jessie needs me.

DENNIS: Great. I need you too. Let’s go.

Allen and Dennis exit. Jessie eats another cookie.

CUT TO:

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s Scene Ratings

“What I learned doing this assignment is…

When I started, I didn’t think I’d have any “10s” but – reading it backward and isolating each beat allowed me to look at it a little more objectively. I kept telling myself “As this stands on its own – how does it rate?” So that was very helpful.

A quick look at the scenes that rated under “5” show them to be either transitional, expositional or just a bunch of talking heads. I look forward to seeing how I can make these beats more entertaining.

It’s a little discouraging to see that most of my low-scoring beats are in the THIRD ACT! Arg! A challenge to be remedied for sure!

We had a pre-assignment where Hal asked us to read an award-winning screenplay and rate each scene for its entertainment value. I read “Jo Jo Rabbit” and was astounded to see all the “10s” I gave it. It made me see that it IS POSSIBLE to have an entertaining story from beginning to end.

Here are my beats/ratings:

1 (E10) INT – TELEVISION STUDIO GREEN ROOM – DAY

Victoria Hartmann is introduced on the Drew Barrymore Show. The Plastic Bag Art Show is promoted – in town for two days only.

2 (E10) INT – GRANDMA ABBY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Abby watches the Drew Barrymore Show and sees Victoria. “I’ll be damned,” she says and laughs uproariously.

3 (E10) EXT – DELIAHS HOUSE – DAY (this scene is modified to include Delia’s monologue)

Six-year-old Delia crashes through the front glass door and leaps onto the hood of her father’s car to stop him from leaving their family. He leaves anyway. Delia’s mom tells her “You need to change the way you see your father.”

Flash forward 10 years to 16-year-old Delia, scars on her wrists and phone in hand as her grandmother, Abby (70), picks her up for a road trip. Delia dismisses her mother, Mary (40), with a roll of her eyes.

4 (E10) INT – ABBY’S CAR – DAY

Abby, frustrated with Delia’s impudence, throws Delia’s phone out the window. Delia is horrified.

5 (E7) EXT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT (NOTE: This scene might be modified/changed – new intro)

It’s raining as Abby and Delia wait in a long line to get into a very popular, 2-day-only, art exhibit titled “The Plastic Bag,” created by the uber-famous artist, Victoria Hartmann (60). Delia notices a phone store across the street and asks Abby if she’ll buy her a new phone. Abby says no. Much to Delia’s surprise, Victoria personally invites them in and offers a personalized tour. Turns out, Abby and Victoria are old friends. Victoria introduces her first piece titled, “The Curse.”

6 (E10) BIG DADDY’S PIZZA PLACE – DAY

We’ve been sucked into the artwork. Pizza Clerk, April, 18 years, obsessed with the occult, tries to prove her “powers” to a jeering co-worker, June, 16 years. She places a curse on one of the plastic carry-out bags that is eerily convincing. When the girls are called away, an Ancient Italian Lady (another employee) blesses the Bag. The bag is then filled and ready for pick up.

7 (E5) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia is engaged and wants to hear more. Victoria’s daughter and curator, Paisley, interrupts and tries to draw Victoria away to meet with an important art critic. Victoria insists on introducing her second piece titled “Carry Out.”

8 (E10) INT – BILLY AND PAMMY’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – DAY

We are sucked into the artwork. Billy, 25 years, the klutz, brings home The Plastic Bag, which carries two of Big Daddy’s Calzones, to his wife Pammy, 25 years, (and their baby daughter, Missy, age one). A huge argument ensues when Billy reveals he’s lost yet another job. Baby Missy gets a hold of the Plastic Bag and suffocates herself. When they finally resuscitate her, Billy promises to turn over a new leaf. As he leaves, The Bag floats past his very pregnant neighbor, Becky.

9 (E10) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia is intrigued, though she’s starting to display signs of “phone withdrawal”. Abby starts drinking. Victoria is pulled away by the art critic. Delia swipes an alcoholic drink from the bar and ducks into a back room to hide from Abby.

10 (E10) INT – ART STUDIO OFFICE – NIGHT

Delia is shocked to see Victor, 19 years, a very handsome boy in a wheelchair. He draws on a propped canvas with a pen in his mouth. He tries to engage her in conversation, but she is shy. When a cat scares her, she rushes out of the room.

END OF ACT 1

11 (E6) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Abby finds Delia and takes away her drink (which she hasn’t even sipped from). They reunite with Victoria who introduces her third piece titled “The Windshield.”

12 (E10) INT – BRAM’S CAR – DAY

We are sucked into the artwork. The Plastic Bag floats over a two-lane highway and rests on the windshield of Bram, 21, Baily, his girlfriend, (and a gifted violinist), also 21 and Bram’s 10-year-old brother, Reggie. Bram loses control and almost hits an oncoming semi-truck. While pulled over, they rescue a lost kitten from the drainage ditch. Bram proposes marriage to Bailey who reluctantly accepts. Reggie lays claim to the kitten and the Plastic Bag, which he plans to use in a game with his friends.

13 (E7) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia really likes the character of Reggie. Victoria asks Delia if she’s met her grandson, Victor. Paisley interrupts again, this time, requesting Victoria for some photographs with other famous people in attendance. But first, Victoria introduces her fourth piece titled, “The Game.” Just as she’s about to start, Cora arrives for a photo op – Cora is Victoria’s famous sister (who is a musical artist – recognized by Abby and Delia) will casually hint that all of Victoria’s artwork is based on real people, and she should be sued for libel. She insists that Victoria is an unreliable narrator. They spar but Victoria confirms that Cora will bring pizza tomorrow. Cora leaves to find Victor.

14 (E10) EXT – BACKYARD/WOODS – DAY

We are sucked into the artwork, but there is the occasional back and forth from present day as Victoria is interrupted for photos.

The story stars Reggie, BJ, age-12, BJ’s sister, Kit, age-6, Axel, age-10, and Drew, age-11. A game of “Capture the Flag” (the Plastic Bag is ‘the flag’). When it seems as though BJ, the bully, will win (to the peril of all others), it is the nerd, Axel, who is triumphant and BJ who must make a trip to the emergency room. He takes The Bag with him. (note: there is a brief scene with dog walkers who almost take the bag – this is Billy, Pammy, baby Missy and Big Dog.)

15 (E6) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Victoria is pulled away by one of her biggest fans/art blogger. Abby gets tipsy and devours the appetizers. Delia’s anxiety rises over her not having a phone. She talks to Paisley about Victor. Victoria quickly returns to introduce her fifth piece titled, “Urgent Care.”

16 (E10) INT – URGENT CARE CURTAIND ROOM – DAY

We are sucked into the artwork. BJ’s hand is covered with the Plastic Bag because he’s terrified to look at his dislocated finger. The attendants at Urgent Care finally must pin him down to remove it. His mom, Jessie, hides the bag in her purse.

MIDPOINT

17 (E10) INT – MODEST ARE STUDIO – NIGHT

A special delivery of flowers arrives for Delia. Victor orchestrates this to get Delia to come back and talk to him. Delia finds him charming and is amazed at his fortitude (he is a quadriplegic). She meets his cat – which she adores and wants to take a picture. She asks if he has a phone she can borrow, but he has a special computer he operates with his voice. Paisley interrupts. Victoria introduces her sixth piece, a tryptic, titled “The Heist”.

18 (E10) INT – ALLEN’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – NIGHT

We are sucked into this artwork where the characters come to life, but there are three different locations/beats that tell this story.

Jessie (45) and BJ’s mom is worried about Allen, her 68-year-old father, who shows signs of early dementia. She brings him some homemade food in The Plastic Bag and tries to persuade him to move in with her and her kids (by telling him that he’s smart and they could use his help). Dennis (58), Allen’s nefarious younger brother, shows up to supposedly take Allen bowling.

19 (E9) INT/EXT – SMALL CHURCH – NIGHT

Dennis and Allen have carefully planned and are executing the robbery of a church. Allen, who has taken The Bag with him, has had a change of heart and tries to sabotage the operation, to no avail. They steal the offering monies from a church safe that has a handled depository slot at the top. Allen manages to outwit his brother and gives him a second, identical bag, filled with diapers instead of money.

20 (E8) EXT – CITY STREET – NIGHT

Confusion overcomes Allen as he wanders the streets in search of the church so he can return the money. He runs into Billy, Pammy, and Baby Missy. They misunderstand him and direct him to a Salvation Army donation bin, where he deposits the money. They help him call his daughter, Jessie, to take him home.

21 (E7) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia is almost ‘ticking” with her strange “phone withdrawal” behaviors… Abby offers Delia her own flip phone, just to hold onto – but Delia rejects it. Delia is frustrated with the “happy endings.” Where is her happy ending? The stories don’t ring true for her. Victoria introduces her artwork number seven, another tryptic titled “The Donation.”

22 (E10) EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY

We are once again sucked into the artwork. There are three beats to this story.

While Becky, 19 -years, pregnant and estranged from her father, walks to her job, she’s informed by her landlord that she faces evection at 5 pm that day if she doesn’t come up with her past due rent.

23 (E10) INT – SALVATION ARMY SORTING ROOM – DAY

Becky, who works at the Salvation Army, sorts clothes and discovers the Plastic Bag full of money. She layers the money in-between baby clothes and buys The Bag for $5.00.

24 (E10) EXT – DOWNTOWN SHOPPING DISTRICT – DAY

It starts small, with a meal at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and soon cascades out of control… Becky goes on a spending spree, buying new clothes, getting a makeover, buying a phone, and finally buying a diamond tennis bracelet.

25 (E10) EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – NIGHT

Becky is out of money and late getting home. She finds the contents of her apartment on the curb. Out of options, she calls her dad who is anxious to bring her home. While she waits for him, she gives The Plastic Bag to the Ancient Italian Lady neighbor whose recyclables have just broken through a paper bag and have scattered all over the driveway. Before she leaves, she has a conversation with her neighbor and friend, Pammy. When Pammy admires her new bracelet, Becky gives it to her as a parting gift.

26 (E10) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia has disappeared and Abby looks for her. Paisley directs her to the back office. Victor guesses that Delia went to buy herself a new phone. Abby checks her wallet, and her credit card is missing.

27 (E10) INT/EXT – PHONE STORE – NIGHT

Abby rushes into the phone store and stops Delia from buying the phone. Delia is embarrassed and distraught. There is a heated argument… which continues out onto the sidewalk. Delia is beyond frustrated and on an impulse, she steps off the curb into oncoming traffic. Abby grabs her by the hair and pulls her back.

ACT THREE

28 (E4) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

The next day, Abby and Delia return to the studio to apologize and say goodbye. Though empty of patrons, there is much activity as they prepare for the second showing (custodial staff, caterers). A cat wanders around the room. Paisley and Victor are also there. Victoria insists they stay and view her last piece of art. She introduces “The Ending”.

29 (E8) EXT – A VAST ESTATE AND MANSION – DAY

Bailey (from “The Windshield”) arrives home to a vast estate. She’s surprised to see a massive party going on, complete with fireworks. The security guard explains that her sister, Becky, has come home and her father has pulled out all the stops. Baily is furious. Her father comes out to her and tries to get her to join the party, but it doesn’t look like she will.

30 (E4) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

Delia sides with Baily and tells Victoria that it’s the only story that makes sense to her. All these other “Happy Endings” are not real life – certainly not her real life. Victoria insists it’s better to be at the party than off on your own, all alone.

As they talk, Aunt Cora arrives (Victoria’s sister) brings several “Big Daddy’s” pizzas. The cat jumps on one of the pizzas destroying it. Paisley feeds pizza to Victor. They all interject into the core conversation.

Delia challenges Victoria telling her, her artwork is fiction and not relative.

Abby reveals that she is wearing The Tennis Bracelet and Victoria can’t believe that she’s kept it all these years.

31 (5) This is a FLASHBACK to beat 23.

EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – NIGHT

Pammy admires Becky’s new Tennis Bracelet and Becky gives it to her as a parting gift.

Delia understands now that Abby is Pammy and Victoria is Becky. She challenges the narrative by asking Abby about the baby in the story (which she assumes to be her mother).

32 (E7) This is FLASHBACK to Beat 6

INT – BILLY AND PAMMY’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – DAY

Pammy throws some Cheerios on the floor to baby Missy who plays with plasticware.

But Abby tells her that Mary, Delia’s mom, is her second child.

In the voice-over, Victoria admits that she changed the endings. Her artwork is simply a series of “unanswered prayers.” But she’s using these images to tell a bigger story. A story about The Father.

33 (E5) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

Delia demands to know the truth of each story. Victoria walks Delia past the artwork in order and reveals how each story truly ended.

34 (E10) EXT – CEMETARY – DAY

Billy and Pammy weep over a grave as a tiny casket is lowed into the ground.

35 (E10) INT – BRAM’s CAR – DAY

Bram and Baily are buckled in their seats when they have a head-on collision with a semi-truck. The airbags explode as Reggie (not buckled) flies over the back seat and crashes through the windshield.

36 (E8) EXT – BACKYARD/WOODS – DAY

Reggie, as a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, sends his friends off into the woods to play his game.

37 (E4) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

Delia understands that Reggie is Victor. Delia is confused about the order of events and Victoria explains that her artwork is theological, not chronological. Victor, Paisley’s son, was in a car accident with his aunt and uncle.

38 (E5) INT – SALVATION ARMY – DAY

Becky takes money and layers it between baby clothes. She places the clothes inside The Plastic Bag.

In a voice-over, Victoria explains that in “The Heist” she took her father’s money and wasted it. Delia questions her about her father coming to rescue her.

39 (E7) EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY

Becky sits next to her crap on the curb and cries. In a voice-over, we hear Victoria explain that she couldn’t get up the nerve to call her father that day. Pammy appears and ushers Victoria into her apartment.

40 (E3) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

Abby says that Paisley was born a few days later. Victoria explains that it was the single greatest event of her life. It was hard, but it taught her to be unselfish. Paisley is relieved to hear this. Victoria explains that she eventually reconciled with her father and went to art school.

Delia wonders how they could possibly believe in Goodness in the face of evil. Victoria explains what Faith is – believing despite what you see. And, despite their struggles, they can choose to live joyfully and in Hope.

41 (E7) EXT – GRAND MANSION – NIGHT

Baily and her father argue while fireworks go off in the background.

Cora tells Delia that she wasn’t happy about her father forgiving Victoria – that part was true. But it was Reggie’s accident that brought them back together.

In a voice-over, Victoria tells Delia she hopes she will change her mind about who The Father is and join the party.

42 (10) There are quick flashbacks to each “father” in the story:

INT – BILLY & PAMMY’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – DAY

Billy breathes life into Baby Missy.

Victoria says “The Lord”

EXT – ROADSIDE – DAY

Bram brings the kitten up from the drainage ditch.

Victoria says “is Merciful”

EXT – DEAR BLIND – DAY

Axel climbs to the top of the deer blind to the congratulations of Reggie.

Victoria says “And gracious”

INT – SALVATION ARMY DONATION BIN – DAY

Allen “deposits” the money into the bin.

Victoria says “Slow to anger”

EXT – CURB AT APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY

Becky’s face is relieved and comforted when she hears her father is coming for her.

Victoria says “And Abiding”

EXT – GRAND MANSION – NIGHT

Father pleads with Baily to come into the house.

Victoria says, “In Steadfast Love.”

43 (E3) INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

Some sort of discussion about Victoria’s reveal??

Abby and Victoria say goodbye

Delia and Victor say goodbye – Victor makes fun of her because she doesn’t have a phone. They promise to keep in touch.

44 (E5) EXT – DELIA’S HOUSE – DAY

Abby and Delia exit the car. Abby retrieves the carry-out from Big Daddy’s Pizza from the back seat while Delia embraces her very shocked, yet receptive mother, Mary. They all sit together on the front porch and eat.

[Deb Johnson]

Day 6 – Introduce Characters Powerfully

Deb’s Character Intros

What I learned from this assignment: I didn’t realize all the many possibilities we have to introduce a character. I’m pleased with some of the things I unearthed during this process and realize there are many more ways to make my characters STAND OUT.

Current Character Beats:

Victoria

1. The outside of the art studio displays gregarious banners “Victoria Hartmann presents The Plastic Bag; this weekend only.”

2. Delia and Abby stand in a long line, in the rain and discuss Victoria’s notoriety and fame.

3. Inside the packed exhibit is a party atmosphere with music, drinks, and appetizers.

4. Victoria, in an impeccable gown, floats through the room like a queen greeting her subjects. Her daughter/curator Paisley is at her heels.

5. Victoria doesn’t like that people are outside, waiting in the rain to get in.

6. Paisley tries to warn Victoria about a notorious art critic headed towards them, but she can’t remember his name. Victoria already knows who it is – calls him out – and tells him they will “spar” later.

7. Through the window she is amazed to see her old friend Abby waiting in line and rushes outside, devil may care, into the rain to greet her friend.

8. She greets Abby and Delia (Delia can’t believe it). Victoria is getting drenched. Paisley runs up with an umbrella (a little too late).

9. Victoria leads the whole crowd into the art studio (and out of the rain.)

New Beats for Victoria:

• A small kitchen area – there’s a blender. A plastic grocery bag is opened, and hands take out the frozen fruit, almond milk, frozen avocado, fresh spinach

• A young man’s voice tells his grandma not to put spinach in his smoothie.

• The grandma’s hands measure the ingredients carefully and puts the spinach in any way.

• As the blender blends, this grandma steps away from the kitchen area – we only see her body, and, for 60 years old, it’s a stunning body – We’re talking Denise Austin gorgeous. She only has on a bra and underwear and wears a fun pendant necklace. She stoops down and puts on some comfortable tennis shoes.

• She turns off the blender and pours four glasses – puts a straw in one.

• Paisley (40) enters wearing a sharp business suit. She carries a beautiful, full-length gown and helps Grandma into it. We can’t see the tennis shoes anymore.

• In this stunning dress, grandma delivers the smoothie to a young man in a wheelchair. We don’t see his face either because he faces a large television monitor that hangs on the wall. He’s watching the Drew Barrymore Show. He sips through the straw and complains about the spinach.

• A Producer wearing a headset comes in through the door – and tells Victoria they are ready for her.

• Paisley takes the shake. Victoria offers a smoothie to the producer who declines.

• As they walk a hallway together, the producer compliments Victoria’s necklace. Victoria takes off her necklace and offers it to the producer – who protests, but Victoria insists that she take it. The producer takes the necklace.

• They are just off the set now. Someone clips a mic on Victoria. On the set, Drew Barrymore introduces Victoria – praising her artistic achievements and mentions her “Plastic Bag Show” that’s touring the US right now. Victoria sweeps onstage to much applause.

• We follow the producer back to the greenroom who tries to give the necklace to Paisley – but Paisley insists it’s okay for her to keep it and tells her to try some smoothie. It’s excellent.

• The young man in the wheelchair continues to watch the screen.

• On the screen, Victoria is now seated with Drew Barrymore. This is the first time we see her face, in close-up, and she is stunning. It’s a remarkable face – made so by hard times, hard work, and most of all, contentment.

• Victoria explains “My art is not biographical or chronological, it’s theological. I want someone who’s hurting to look at my art and find comfort… peace.”

Current Beats for Delia:

1. FLASHBACK – Delia (6) hangs on to dads legs – begs him not to go – he drags her down a hall.

2. Mom pulls her off – dad exits the front door

3. Delia runs for the door, mom locks the glass door

4. Delia crashes through the glass and jumps onto hood of dads car

5. Mom picks her off – dad drives away

6. Present Day: Delia stands at same glass door – house is worse for wear

7. She looks at the scars on her wrists and takes out her phone

8. Grandma pulls up – she calls to her mom – she’s leaving

9. Mom gives her a plastic bag full of snacks – Delia rolls her eyes

10. Delia leaves to go with grandma

New Scene for Delia: (since I combined the current beats and added a monologue (utilizing the Character Philosophy type of intro) – I decided to put the two together to create this new scene.

Delia Voice Over:

“When I was a kid, I was a superhero.”

FLASHBACK – Delia’s father walks down a hall. He carries a duffle bag. Delia (6) does a flying leap and embraces her father’s legs. He almost falls. She begs him not to go – he drags her down a hall.

• Mom pulls her off and dad makes a quick dash/exit out the front door

• Delia runs for the door but mom stops her and locks the glass door.

“I used all my superpowers.”

• Delia crashes through the glass and jumps onto the hood of dad’s car

• Mom takes her off the hood.

“But my family couldn’t be saved.”

• She reaches out to him, arms and feet bleeding, as he drives away.

“Now I’m just an angry teen who hates pretty much everything. Except for maybe pizza… and cats…”

• Present Day: Delia (16) stands at the same glass door wearing a coat and a backpack.

• She looks at the scars on her wrists

“I’ve heard that when a kid loses a parent it’s pretty traumatic. We like to play it down like it’s no big deal ’cause it’s so common – kind of like the way we see dead animals in the road – it’s horrible and disgusting, but it doesn’t bother us all that much.”

• Grandma Abby pulls up into the driveway – she’s got bugs splattered on her windshield

• Mom gives Delia a plastic bag full of snacks – Delia rolls her eyes

“I don’t know – there’s a lot to hate in this world. I see things for what they really are. And what really is – really sucks.”

• Delia exits the house and gets into Grandma Abby’s car

• She buckles up and pulls out her phone.

“And yes, like most teenagers, I’m addicted to my phone. I mean, it’s an escape. Right? Escape. Get away from this lousy world that I hate. Listen to music. See what’s going on. Watch other people do something stupid for 30 seconds. It makes me laugh. Is that so terrible?”

• Grandma Abby’s car drives away

“Let somebody else save the world.”

[Deb Johnson]

I feel like I’m posting a ton of stuff… but here it goes anyway…

Deb’s Character Story Beats

What I’ve learned: This assignment was tough but did get easier as I went along. I started out writing way too much. By isolating the characters, I was able to understand them better and elevate them. Also – doing assignments 1 – 4 first was an important step – because the information I needed to do this assignment was organized and ready for me to use.

1. Character Name: Delia (lead)

Role in the story: High School student, daughter, granddaughter

Core Character Traits:

Capricious, Addicted, Sarcastic, Stubborn

Character Subtext Logline: Delia is a stubborn teen, addicted to her phone, who is convinced that she’s better off isolated and alone.

Flaw: thinks she’s the only one who suffers

Want: To continue in her isolation Need: To have Faith in Goodness despite life’s trials

Character Arc: from isolation to re-connection with family

Secret: She has a soft spot for animals, especially cats/kittens (but her mom is allergic, so she can’t have one)

Identity: Everybody calls her “suicide girl” because of her scars – and she kind of likes that this puts people off to her.

Beginning: Leaves her mom to go on a road trip with her grandma who destroys her phone

Middle: tries to buy a new phone, but is thwarted

End: reconciles with her grandma and returns home to her mother

Delia’s Character Beats – broad strokes:

Act 1:

Delia, rejected at a young age by her father, now a teen, annoyed and rebellious towards her mom, has no choice but to go with her grandmother on a road trip but – she has her phone with her, so she’s fine.

When her phone is destroyed, she must deal with the situation in front of her – and finds Victoria and her stories very entertaining.

However, her body is telling her that something is missing – her phone – she needs it. She resorts to alcohol to escape – but instead, is confronted by Victor (a quadriplegic) – someone who shocks her – someone she can’t ‘figure out’.

Act 2:

Delia has nothing to soothe her but Victoria’s stories. When Victor surprises Delia with a bouquet of flowers, Delia goes to thank him. After they talk, she can’t help but like him. When Victoria tells the story of “The Heist” and Delia hears another ‘happy ending’, she becomes disillusioned with the stories. During the telling of “The Donation,” Delia sneaks away to buy a new phone with Abby’s credit card. Abby catches and stops her. Delia is so upset, she steps out into oncoming traffic, but Abby pulls her back.

Act 3:

When Delia returns to the art studio the next day, Victoria tells the story of the final artwork. It comes to light that these are true stories but altered to give each a happy ending. They talk about having faith in Goodness despite the evil around them and Victoria asks Delia if she’s willing to change the way she sees the Father. Victor teases Delia about not having a phone and Delia laughs. Delia and Victor promise to keep in touch. Delia and Abby return home with carry out and Delia reconciles with her mom.

Improvement to Act 3:

I’m concerned that there is no setup and too many talking heads (just Delia and Victoria going back and forth) for the revelations that occur… maybe it’s too much all at once.

So, after brainstorming, I’ve decided to introduce Cora, Victoria’s sister, in ACT 2 during the ‘paparazzi’ scene and the telling of “The Game”. Cora will casually hint that all of Victoria’s artwork is based on real people, and that she should be sued for libel. She insists that Victoria is an unreliable narrator. Finally, in ACT 3, Cora will show up again – and will reveal to Delia the true endings.

Not sure if this is the answer – but it’s going to fill this space for now.

2. Character Name: Abby (lead)

Role in the story: Delia’s Grandma, Friend to Victoria

Core Character Traits: Tough Love, Blunt, Loud, Flexible

Character Subtext Logline: Abby is a loud and lovable grandmother who wants to help her troubled granddaughter.

Flaw – not “healthy” – she smokes, drinks, and struggles with her weight

Want: her family to be happy Need: to reconcile her own hurts from the past

Mission: to help her granddaughter

What makes this character unique: truly doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her

Beginning: Takes her troubled granddaughter, Delia on a road trip to meet her old friend, Victoria, at her art show.

Middle: Abby loses track of Delia who manages to steal her credit card and sneak away.

End: Reveals the truth about her past and encourages Delia to embrace life.

Broad Strokes Act 1

Abby destroys her granddaughter Delia’s phone while they travel to an Art show. The artist, Victoria is also Abby’s friend, and she gives them a personal tour. Abby gets upset because she realizes the artwork is about her life experiences.

Broad Strokes Act 2

Abby continues to listen to the stories as Victoria describes them in her artwork. She drinks too much and eats too much. She tries to comfort Delia who is really missing her phone, but Delia won’t have it. Eventually, Delia steals Abby’s credit card and goes to a nearby store to buy a new phone. Abby stops her in the act, and they argue. When Delia, in frustration, steps off the curb into a busy intersection, Abby grabs her by the hair and pulls her back.

Broad Strokes Act 3

Abby and Delia go back to the art studio the next day and listen to the story of “The End.” Abby reveals that she is, indeed, one of the characters in the story – but her true story does not have a happy ending. Delia sees her grandmother in a new light. Abby tells Delia to have Faith, despite all the evil in the world.

Abby delivers a different Delia back home.

Abby Change:

I thought Abby was the antagonist in the story – but, after writing her beats, she appears passive – and is content to have Victoria do all the “heavy lifting.” She just wants to help Delia. While Delia might look at her like a villain (because she destroyed her phone), Abby serves as an encourager to Delia – throwing her back in the ring when she tries to get out.

That being said – I wanted to show a CLEAR motivation for WHY Abby is taking this trip with Delia – so a few things need to be established in the first act… that this is the only way – and the only path that these two are going to take together.

Broad Strokes Act 1 – with changes:

Abby is concerned about what’s going on in her daughter’s home. Her granddaughter, Delia has been suspended from school and her daughter is at a complete loss in how to deal with the situation. Abby decides to take Delia on a road trip and introduce her to Victoria, an old friend and now famous artist, who once also had a troubled past. She feels like maybe together, they can encourage Delia to change her path. On the way to the art show, Abby throws Delia’s phone out the window (this is what got Delia into trouble in the first place)

When they arrive, Victoria gives them a personal tour. However, Abby soon realizes that the artwork includes stories from her own personal past and this makes Abby very uncomfortable.

3. Character Name: Victoria Hartmann (lead)

Role in the story: famous artist, friend to Abby

Core Character Traits: Mindful (in the moment), Generous, Picturesque, Grounded

Character Subtext Logline: Victoria is a famous yet grounded artist who struggles to tell the truth in her artwork.

Flaw: She uses her own family and friends in her art, even though some do not want to be represented.

Life Metaphor/Identity: “My art is theological, not biographical, or chronological”

What makes this character unique? Though she is uber-famous, she is also grounded and sensitive to the needs of those around her.

Beginning: Victoria reconnects with her old friend Abby.

Middle: Victoria tries to help Delia, Abby’s granddaughter.

End: Through her art, Victoria’s stories have a positive impact on Delia’s life.

Broad Strokes:

Act 1

Victoria is shocked to see her old friend, Abby, along with her granddaughter, Delia, attend her art exhibit. Abby indicates that Delia is troubled and in need of some help and encouragement. Though Victoria is pulled in other various directions, she rolls out the red carpet and offers them a personal tour.

Act 2

Victoria takes her time explaining each art piece/story in detail and has a captive audience. She manages to balance her obligations at the show with her attention to her guests. She is saddened when, after talking about her most personal piece of art, Delia has slipped away, and no one can find her.

Act 3

Victoria is overjoyed when Abby and Delia return the next day and she can tell them about her last piece of artwork. Though there is debate about her intentions and reasons for her art, it’s clear that she wants Delia to see, that even though life is full of evil and sadness, she can have hope and live life with joy.

Victoria’s beats have led me to an important question that I still need to answer. It is about the artwork. There are three specific reveals about the artwork:

1. The artwork is based on real people in Victoria’s life (the people in the room).

2. Their stories have been changed to ‘happy endings’

3. The reason Victoria changed the endings is because she’s telling a different story.

Question: When and How do I reveal each item for maximum impact?

Is “the artwork” is its own character and do I need to create beats for it?

More to come.

4. Character Name: Paisley (supporting)

Role in the story: Victoria’s daughter and art curator, Victor’s mother

Core Character Traits: In the background, Single Minded, Scatterbrained, All Business

Character Subtext Logline: Paisley, though scatterbrained, manages to pull everything off with a modicum of success.

Flaw: She doesn’t see herself as scatterbrained – she thinks she’s got it all together

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: She’s juggling too much, but she doesn’t want to let anyone down.

Beginning: Paisley curates the opening night of her mother’s art show

Middle: When Victoria is distracted, Paisley tries to keep her mother on track.

End: Paisley gets ready for another showing and cares for her son.

BEAT by BEAT:

ACT 1

1. With the art show at capacity, Paisley dissuades her mom from letting more people into the art studio.

2. When Victoria steps outside in the rain to greet her friend, Paisley brings her mom an umbrella.

3. Paisley, interrupts and tries to draw Victoria away to meet with an important art critic.

ACT 2

4. Paisley interrupts again, this time, requesting Victoria for some photographs with other famous people in attendance.

5. Delia talks to Paisley about Victor (Paisley’s son).

6. Paisley accepts flowers from a delivery person and presents them to Delia

7. Paisley interrupts the meeting between Delia and Victor.

8. When Delia disappears, Paisley directs Abby to the back office (thinks she’s with Victor)

ACT 3

9. The next day, Paisley attends to all the pre-opening activities

10. We understand that “Becky’s baby” is Paisley in real life

11. Paisley feeds Victor pizza

Change – Paisley works so hard because she wants to be worthy of her mother’s love. But what she doesn’t realize is that she has always been wanted and loved. When the truth of the paintings comes out – she realizes this.

Change in broad strokes:

Act 1

Paisley can barely keep up with her mother who is a whirlwind of beauty and grace. She thinks she must perform perfectly, yet she comes across as awkward and incompetent.

Act 2

Paisley doesn’t understand that her mother has chosen to focus on her friends – that the art show isn’t as important as this. She’s also jealous of her son’s affection and doesn’t like to see it given to Delia.

Act 3

Paisley comes to understand that she was loved from conception and that she doesn’t have to prove herself to her mother. She is not her job.

5. Character: Victor (supporting)

Role in the story: Son of Paisley, Grandson of Victoria, Friend to Delia

Core Character Traits: Quadriplegic, Life of the Party, Artistic, Troublemaker, Observant

Character Subtext Logline: though confined to a wheelchair, he has unbridled mirth and invites others to join in the fun.

World View: How can we make this fun?

Beginning: Minding his own business, he makes art and accidentally meets Delia.

Middle: Falls for Delia and wants to get to know her.

End: Wants to continue his relationship with Delia.

Broad Strokes:

Act 1

Victor is introduced as Delia’s love interest

Act 2

Victor woos Delia but then betrays her

Act 3

Victor makes amends and hopes their relationship will continue

CHANGES:

It’s interesting to me how Victor didn’t even exist in my first draft – yet here he is, almost driving the story. I have made so many changes with him to this point (even as I was doing this assignment). So, for me, I think this assignment brings Victor into sharp relief.

[Deb Johnson]

Discover
Your Characters and Profile Them – Deborah Johnson

Title: Plastic Bag

What I learned doing this assignment is that characters are malleable. By changing one characteristic, you can make them more interesting and/or add pieces to beats that weren’t there before.

Logline: A plastic bag gets passed from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

1. Character Name: Delia (lead)

Role in the story: High School student, daughter, granddaughter

Core Character Traits:

capricious

Addicted

Sarcastic

Stubborn

Character Subtext Logline: Delia is a stubborn teen, addicted to her phone, who just wants to be left alone.

Flaw: thinks she’s the only one who suffers

Want: To continue in her isolation Need: To have Faith in Goodness despite life’s trials

Character Arc: from isolation to re-connection with family

CHANGES FOR DELIA:

Character Subtext Logline: Delia is a stubborn teen, addicted to her phone, who is convinced that she’s better off isolated and alone.

(It’s an important distinction – because she really doesn’t WANT to be the way she is – but this is how she’s learned to deal with her life)

Secret: She has a soft spot for animals, especially cats/kittens (but her mom is allergic, so she can’t have one)

This gives her a little more in common with Victor, who has a cat. This gives another dimension to the scenes when they are together. I also want to give Delia something that makes her more relatable and likable – I don’t want her to come off as this stereotypical “teenager.”

Identity: Everybody calls her “suicide girl” because of her scars – and she kind of likes that this puts people off of her.

I don’t know if this fact will actually come out in the script – but I think there is a pride associated with the scars – she’s not ashamed of them.

2. Character Name: Abby (lead)

Role in the story: Delia’s Grandma, Friend to Victoria

Core Character Traits:

Tough Love

Sarcastic

Loud

Flexible

Character Subtext Logline: Abby is a loud and lovable grandmother who wants to help her troubled granddaughter.

Flaw – not “healthy” – she smokes, drinks, and struggles with her weight

Want: her family to be happy Need: to reconcile her own hurts from the past

Mission: to help her granddaughter

What makes this character unique: She’s got a great sense of humor and an infectious laugh

CHANGES FOR ABBY:

Delia is sarcastic, so I want to give Abby something different as one of her Core Character Traits. So I’m changing her “sarcastic” to “blunt”

In the script, she is very blunt in her actions and her words.

I don’t know that her sense of humor or her laugh makes her totally unique because a lot of people are like that. I would like to add that another thing that makes her unique – stand out from the rest – is that she is bold and brazen and truly doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her.

I think these two additions make her stand out a little more. And while they may not be “new” – I guess I never really noticed this about her before.

3. Character Name: Victoria Hartmann (lead)

Role in the story: famous artist, friend to Abby

Core Character Traits:

Mindful (in the moment)

Generous

Picturesque

Grounded

Character Subtext Logline: Victoria is a famous artist who puts her family and friends first and hopes her art will transform lives.

Flaw: She uses the stories of real people in her art, even when they don’t want to be represented.

Life Metaphor/Identity: “My art is theological, not biographical, or chronological”

What makes this character unique? Though she is uber-famous, she is extremely grounded and sensitive to the needs of those around her.

CHANGES FOR VICTORIA

Flaw: She uses her own family and friends in her art, even though some do not want her to.

Character Subtext Logline: Victoria is famous yet grounded. She struggles to tell the truth in her artwork.

I think it’s important for Victoria to realize that she can hurt the people she loves by portraying them in general and/or portraying them in a dishonest way.

She will have an argument with an art critic – where this will be discussed.

And, in the end, when she reveals the truth about the stories in the paintings – it’s cathartic for the people involved. She thinks she is sparing people by giving them ‘happy endings’ – but in the end – it’s the truth that transforms.

4. Character Name: Paisley (supporting)

Role in the story: Victoria’s daughter and art curator

Core Character Traits:

In the background

Precise

Focused

All business

Character Subtext Logline: Paisley juggles her personal life and her professional life with aplomb and feels superior to those who don’t.

Flaw: She loves her family dearly and is too busy to care about anyone else.

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: Though she’s got it all together, she wishes her life was easier and she didn’t have so many responsibilities.

PAISLEY CHANGES:

“Precise” and “Focused” seem a little bit too similar. I’m going to change “Focused” to “Scatterbrained” – because it gives her more depth and makes her a little more interesting.

Character Subtext Logline: Paisley, though scatterbrained, manages to pull everything off with a modicum of success.

Flaw: She doesn’t see herself as scatterbrained – she thinks she’s got it all together

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: She’s juggling too much, but she doesn’t want to let anyone down.

5. Character: Victor (supporting)

Role in the story: Son of Paisley, Grandson of Victoria, Friend to Delia

Core Character Traits:

Quadriplegic

Life of the Party

Artistic

Troublemaker

Character Subtext Logline: though confined to a wheelchair, he has unbridled mirth and invites others to join in the fun.

World View: How can we make this fun?

CHANGES FOR VICTOR

I know I should probably change his name – so that in a fast read, he doesn’t get confused with Victoria. But I like the fact that Paisley loves her mother so much that she names her son after her. I also like that it reflects the fact that in life, he truly is “a conqueror”.

I’m not sure if I will make the change – but I’m thinking about it.

I’m going to add “observant” to his core traits – because this will cause trouble for Delia later in the story.

[Deb Johnson]

Deborah Johnson – Story Beats and revision

What I have learned: A lot! Sometimes you think “oh, I know how to fix this,” and want to go with the first thing that comes to mind. However, there is an amazing thing that happens when you brainstorm. The silly things you come up with can lead to something concrete that you can use to transform the beat. It really is an amazing tool that can elevate your script.

Title: The Plastic Bag

Logline: A plastic bag is passed from one owner to another affecting each life in a significant way.

1 EXT – DELIAHS HOUSE – DAY

Six-year-old Delia crashes through the front glass door and leaps onto the hood of her father’s car to stop him from leaving their family. He leaves anyway.

Flash forward 10 years to 16-year-old Delia, scars on her wrists and phone in hand as her grandmother, Abby (70), picks her up for a road trip. Delia dismisses her mother, Mary (40), with a roll of her eyes.

2 INT – ABBY’S CAR – DAY

Abby, frustrated with Delia’s impudence, throws Delia’s phone out the window. Delia is horrified.

3 EXT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

It’s raining as Abby and Delia wait in a long line to get into a very popular, 2-day-only, art exhibit titled “The Plastic Bag,” created by the uber-famous artist, Victoria Hartmann (60). Much to Delia’s surprise, Victoria personally invites them in and offers a personalized tour. Turns out, Abby and Victoria are old friends. Victoria introduces her first piece titled, “The Curse.”

4 BIG DADDY’S PIZZA PLACE – DAY

We’ve been sucked into the artwork. Pizza Clerk, April, 18 years, obsessed with the occult, tries to prove her “powers” to a jeering co-worker, June, 16 years. She places a curse on one of the plastic carry-out bags that is eerily convincing. When the girls are called away, an Ancient Italian Lady (another employee) blesses the Bag. The bag is then filled and ready for pick up.

5 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia is engaged and wants to hear more. Victoria’s daughter and curator, Paisley, interrupts and tries to draw Victoria away to meet with an important art critic. Victoria insists on introducing her second piece titled “Carry Out.”

6 INT – BILLY AND PAMMY’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – DAY

We are sucked into the artwork. Billy, 25 years, the klutz, brings home The Plastic Bag, which carries two of Big Daddy’s Calzones, to his wife Pammy, 25 years, (and their baby daughter, Missy, age one). A huge argument ensues when Billy reveals he’s lost yet another job. Baby Missy gets a hold of the Plastic Bag and suffocates herself. When they finally resuscitate her, Billy promises to turn over a new leaf. As he leaves, The Bag floats past his very pregnant neighbor, Becky.

7 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia is intrigued, though she’s starting to display signs of “phone withdrawal”. Abby starts drinking. Victoria is pulled away by the art critic. Delia swipes an alcoholic drink from the bar and ducks into a back room to hide from Abby.

8 INT – ART STUDIO OFFICE – NIGHT

Delia is shocked to see Victor, 19 years, a very handsome boy in a wheelchair. He draws on a propped canvas with a pen in his mouth. He tries to engage her in conversation, but she nervously backs out of the room.

END OF ACT 1

9 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Abby finds Delia and takes away her drink (which she hasn’t even sipped from). They reunite with Victoria who introduces her third piece titled “The Windshield.”

10 INT – BRAM’S CAR – DAY

We are sucked into the artwork. The Plastic Bag floats over a two-lane highway and rests on the windshield of Bram, 21, Baily, his girlfriend, (and a gifted violinist), also 21 and Bram’s 10-year-old brother, Reggie. Bram loses control and almost hits an oncoming semi-truck. While pulled over, they rescue a lost kitten from the drainage ditch. Bram proposes marriage to Bailey who reluctantly accepts. Reggie lays claim to the kitten and the Plastic Bag, which he plans to use in a game with his friends.

11 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia really likes the character of Reggie. Victoria asks Delia if she’s met her grandson, Victor. Paisley interrupts again, this time, requesting Victoria for some photographs with other famous people in attendance. But first, Victoria introduces her fourth piece titled, “The Game.”

12 EXT – BACKYARD/WOODS – DAY

We are sucked into the artwork, but there is the occasional back and forth from the present day as Victoria is interrupted for photos. The story stars Reggie, BJ, age-12, BJ’s sister, Kit, age-6, Axel, age-10, and Drew, age-11. A game of “Capture the Flag” (the Plastic Bag is ‘the flag’). When it seems as though BJ, the bully, will win (to the peril of all others), it is the nerd, Axel, who is triumphant, and BJ who must make a trip to the emergency room. He takes The Bag with him.

13 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Victoria is pulled away by one of her biggest fans/art blogger. Abby gets tipsy and devours the appetizers. Delia’s anxiety rises over her not having a phone. She talks to Paisley about Victor. Victoria quickly returns to introduce her fifth piece titled, “Urgent Care.”

14 INT – URGENT CARE CURTAIND ROOM – DAY

We are sucked into the artwork. BJ’s hand is covered with the Plastic Bag because he’s terrified to look at his dislocated finger. The attendants at Urgent Care finally must pin him down to remove it. His mom, Jessie (45), hides the bag in her purse.

MIDPOINT

15 INT – MODEST ARE STUDIO – NIGHT

A special delivery of flowers arrives for Delia. Victor orchestrates this to get Delia to come back and talk to him. Delia finds him charming and is amazed at his fortitude (he is a quadriplegic). She asks if he has a phone she can borrow, but he has a special computer he operates with his voice. Victoria introduces her sixth piece, a tryptic, titled “The Heist”.

16 INT – ALLEN’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – NIGHT

We are sucked into this artwork where the characters come to life, but there are three different locations/beats that tell this story.

Jessie, (BJ’s mom) is worried about Allen, her 68-year-old father, who shows signs of early dementia. She brings him some homemade food in The Plastic Bag and tries to persuade him to move in with her and her kids. Dennis, (58), Allen’s nefarious younger brother, shows up to supposedly take Allen bowling.

17 INT/EXT – SMALL CHURCH – NIGHT

Dennis and Allen have carefully planned and are executing the robbery of a church. Allen, who has taken The Bag with him, has had a change of heart and tries to sabotage the operation, to no avail. They steal the offering monies from a church safe that has a handled depository slot at the top. Allen manages to outwit his brother and gives him a second, identical bag, filled with diapers instead of money.

18 EXT – CITY STREET – NIGHT

Confusion overcomes Allen as he wanders the streets in search of the church so he can return the money. He runs into Billy, Pammy and Baby Missy. They misunderstand him and direct him to a Salvation Army donation bin, where he deposits the money. They help him call his daughter, Jessie, to take him home.

19 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia is almost ‘ticking” with her strange “phone withdrawal” behaviors… Abby offers Delia her own flip phone, just to hold onto – but Delia rejects it. Delia is frustrated with the “happy endings.” Where is her happy ending? The stories don’t ring true for her. Victoria introduces her artwork number seven, another tryptic titled “The Donation.”

20 EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY

We are once again sucked into the artwork. There are three beats to this story.

While Becky, 19 -years, pregnant and estranged from her father, walks to her job, she’s informed by her landlord that she faces eviction at 5 pm that day if she doesn’t come up with her past due rent.

21 INT – SALVATION ARMY SORTING ROOM – DAY

Becky, who works at the Salvation Army, sorts clothes and discovers the Plastic Bag full of money. She layers the money in-between baby clothes and buys The Bag for $5.00.

22 EXT – DOWNTOWN SHOPPING DISTRICT – DAY

It starts small, with a meal at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and soon cascades out of control… Becky goes on a spending spree, buying new clothes, getting a makeover, buying a phone, and finally buying a diamond tennis bracelet.

23 EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – NIGHT

Becky is out of money and late getting home. She finds the contents of her apartment on the curb. Out of options, she calls her dad who is anxious to bring her home. While she waits for him, she gives The Plastic Bag to the Ancient Italian Lady neighbor whose recyclables have just broken through a paper bag and have scattered all over the driveway. Before she leaves, she has a conversation with her neighbor and friend, Pammy. When Pammy admires her new bracelet, Becky gives it to her as a parting gift.

24 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – NIGHT

Delia has disappeared and Abby looks for her. Paisley directs her to the back office. Victor guesses that Delia went to buy herself a new phone. Abby checks her wallet, and her credit card is missing.

25 INT/EXT – PHONE STORE – NIGHT

Abby rushes into the phone store and stops Delia from buying the phone. Delia is embarrassed and distraught. There is a heated argument… which continues out onto the sidewalk. Delia is beyond frustrated and on an impulse, she steps off the curb into oncoming traffic. Abby grabs her by the hair and pulls her back.

ACT THREE

26 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

The next day, Abby and Delia return to the studio, empty of patrons, to say goodbye to Victoria. She insists they stay and view her last piece of art. She introduces “The Ending”

27 EXT – A VAST ESTATE AND MANSION – DAY

Bailey (from “The Windshield”) arrives home to a vast estate. She’s surprised to see a massive party going on, complete with fireworks. The security guard explains that her sister, Becky, has come home and her father has pulled out all the stops. Baily is furious. Her father comes out to her and tries to get her to join the party, but it doesn’t look like she will.

28 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

Delia sides with Baily and tells Victoria that it’s the only story that makes sense to her. All of these other “Happy Endings” are not real life – certainly not her real life. Victoria insists it’s better to be at the party then off on your own, all alone.

Abby reveals that she is wearing The tennis bracelet and Victoria can’t believe that she’s kept it all these years.

Delia understands now that Abby is Pammy and Victoria is Becky.

She challenges the narrative by asking Abby about the baby in the story (which she assumes to be her mother). But Abby tells her that Mary, Delia’s mom, is her second child.

Victoria admits that she changed the endings. Her artwork is simply a series of “unanswered prayers.”

Victoria walks Delia past the paintings in order and reveals how each story truly ended.

29 EXT – CEMETARY – DAY

Billy and Pammy weep over a grave as a tiny casket is lowed into the ground.

30 INT – BRAM’s CAR – DAY

Bram and Baily are buckled in their seats when they have a head-on collision with a semi-truck. The airbags explode as Reggie (not buckled) flies over the back seat and crashes through the windshield.

31 EXT – BACKYARD/WOODS – DAY

Reggie, as a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, sends his friends off into the woods to play his game.

32 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

Delia understands that Reggie is Victor. Delia is confused about the order of events and Victoria explains that her artwork is theological, not chronological. Victor, Paisley’s son, was in a car accident with his aunt and uncle.

Victoria explains that she’s not sure how the money got into the donation bin, but she imagined it that way. Delia questions her about her father coming to rescue her.

33 EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY

Becky sits next to her crap on the curb and cries. In a voice-over, we hear Victoria explain that her father didn’t come for her that day. Pammy appears and ushers Victoria into her apartment.

34 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

Abby says that Paisley was born a few days later. Victoria explains that eventually, her dad came around. She went to work for him and, in time, went to art school.

Delia wonders how they could possibly believe in Goodness in the face of evil. Victoria explains what Faith is – believing despite what you see. And, despite their struggles, they can choose to live joyfully and in Hope. Victoria tells Delia she hopes she will change her mind about who The Father is and join the party.

Delia wishes she could say goodbye to Victor – and Victoria tells her that they will all just have to get together again, and soon.

35 EXT – DELIA’S HOUSE – DAY

Abby and Delia exit the car. Abby retrieves the carry-out from Big Daddy’s Pizza from the back seat while Delia embraces her very shocked, yet receptive mother, Mary. They all sit together on the front porch and eat.

REVISION

BEAT 26 and 28 REVISIONS

26 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

The next day, Abby and Delia return to the studio to apologize and say goodbye. Though empty of patrons, there is much activity as they prepare for the second showing (custodial staff, caterers). A cat wanders around the room. Paisley and Victor are also there. Victoria insists they stay and view her last piece of art. She introduces “The Ending”.

28 INT – MODEST ART STUDIO – DAY

Delia sides with “Baily” and tells Victoria that it’s the only story that makes sense to her. All these other “Happy Endings” are not real life – certainly not her real life. Victoria insists it’s better to be at the party than off on your own, all alone.

As they talk, Aunt Cora arrives (Victoria’s sister) and brings several “Big Daddy’s” pizzas. The cat jumps on one of the pizzas, destroying it. Delia recognizes Cora as a famous violinist. Paisley feeds pizza to Victor. They all interject into the core conversation.

Delia challenges Victoria telling her, her artwork is fiction and not relative.

Abby reveals that she is wearing The Tennis Bracelet and Victoria can’t believe that she’s kept it all these years.

This is a FLASHBACK to beat 23.

EXT – CRAPPY APARTMENT COMPLEX – NIGHT

Pammy admires Becky’s new Tennis Bracelet and Becky gives it to her as a parting gift.

Delia understands now that Abby is Pammy and Victoria is Becky. She challenges the narrative by asking Abby about the baby in the story (which she assumes to be her mother).

This is FLASHBACK to Beat 6

INT – BILLY AND PAMMY’S CRAPPY APARTMENT – DAY

Pammy throws some Cheerios on the floor to baby Missy who plays with pots and pans.

But Abby tells her that Mary, Delia’s mom, is her second child.

Victoria admits that she changed the endings. Her artwork is simply a series of “unanswered prayers.”

Victoria walks Delia past the paintings in order and reveals how each story truly ended.

[Deb Johnson]

“What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that by isolating a trouble spot and brainstorming, you can have a serious “ah-ha!” moment that cant give more depth and take your story in a different direction.

Deb’s Basic Structure Version 1

Logline: A plastic bag gets passed from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

Main conflict: Delia is isolated and hates life, she needs to learn that joy can be found in the tensions and trials of living.

Opening: 6-year-old Delia’s dramatic attempt to stop her father from leaving their family fails. Flash forward to Delia at 16, resentful, angry, and addicted to her phone.

Inciting Incident: Delia is suspended from school for Cyberbullying and Grandma Abby (after destroying Delia’s cell phone), takes her on a road trip to see a famous art exhibit “The Plastic Bag.” Abby’s friend is the artist, Victoria, who offers a personal tour of her art pieces – explaining them one by one.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Delia has withdrawn from real life and can’t see past her own pain. Victoria is about to share some stories with her that will shed light on the truth of living in this world and how we can choose to wrestle with the challenges and live joyfully in the tension.

First turning point at end of Act 1: Delia is pulled in by the story and wants to hear more. But Victoria is pulled away by others vying for her attention. Delia gets her first glimpse of Cleo, Victoria’s quadriplegic granddaughter.

Mid-Point: Delia is confused and annoyed. She doesn’t like the story that sends the “bully” to the emergency room. Her phone addiction symptoms are worsening, and she seeks out the company of Cleo.

Second turning point at end of Act 2: After hearing the story of “The Heist,” Delia decides to steal Abby’s credit card and buy herself a new phone.

Crisis: Abby intervenes, and Delia tries to kill herself (she chooses death). Abby stops her.

Climax: Delia admits that her pain comes from her loss of her father and the injustice of it and that she uses her phone as an escape. Abby and Victoria reveal their identities as characters in the story… showing that they, too, have their own struggles in life, but have chosen to live joyfully despite them.

Resolution: Abby brings Delia back home where she embraces her mother, and they all enjoy carry-out on the front porch.

Deb’s Basic Structure Version 2

Main Conflict: Delia is isolated and hates life, she needs to learn that joy can be found in the tensions and trials of living.

Opening: 6-year-old Delia’s dramatic attempt to stop her father from leaving their family fails. Flash forward to Delia at 16, resentful, angry, and addicted to her phone.

Inciting Incident: Delia is suspended from school for Cyberbullying and Grandma Abby (after destroying Delia’s cell phone), takes her on a road trip to see a famous art exhibit “The Plastic Bag.” Abby’s friend is the artist, Victoria, who offers a personal tour of her art pieces – explaining them one by one.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Delia has withdrawn from real life and can’t see past her own pain. Victoria is about to share some stories with her that will shed light on the truth of living in this world and how we can choose to wrestle with the challenges and live joyfully in the tension.

First turning point at end of Act 1: Delia is pulled in by the first two stories and wants to hear more. But Victoria is pulled away by others vying for her attention. Delia gets her first glimpse of 19-year-old Victor, Victoria’s quadriplegic grandson, who is also an artist. Delia shies away from him. (Victoria then tells the story of “The Windshield”.)

Mid-Point: A special delivery arrives for Victoria; flowers, and chocolate. But when she reads the note, she laughs, and gives them to Delia to take back to Victor. It was his plot to get to talk to Delia more. Delia finds him charming and is amazed at his fortitude. (Victoria then narrates the story of “The Game”)

Second turning point at end of Act 2: After hearing the story of “The Heist,” Delia decides to steal Abby’s credit card and buy herself a new phone.

Crisis: Abby intervenes, and Delia tries to kill herself (she chooses death). Abby stops her.

Climax: After Victoria narrates the story of “The Donation,” Delia admits that her pain comes from her loss of her father and the injustice of it and that she uses her phone as an escape. After the story of “The Ending” Abby and Victoria reveal their identities as characters in the story, and also Victor’s identity as that of the precocious boy… showing that they, too, have their own struggles in life, but have chosen to live joyfully despite them.

Resolution: Delia and Victor are now friends. Abby brings Delia back home where she embraces her mother, and they all enjoy carry-out on the front porch.

[Deb Johnson]

I had another idea that came to me this morning that revises the climax and gives the story more depth. Here we go…

Deb’s Basic Structure Version 3

Main Conflict: Delia is isolated and hates life. She has no faith. She must learn what faith is and that joy can be found in the tensions and trials of living.

Opening: 6-year-old Delia’s dramatic attempt to stop her father from leaving their family fails. Flash forward to Delia at 16, resentful, angry, and addicted to her phone.

Inciting Incident: Delia is suspended from school for Cyberbullying and Grandma Abby (after destroying Delia’s cell phone), takes her on a road trip to see a famous art exhibit “The Plastic Bag.” Abby’s friend is the artist, Victoria, who offers a personal tour of her art pieces – explaining them one by one.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Delia has withdrawn from real life and can’t see past her own pain. Victoria is about to share some stories with her that will shed light on the truth of living in this world, what it means to have faith, and how we can choose to wrestle with the challenges and live joyfully in the tension.

First turning point at end of Act 1: Delia is pulled in by the first two stories and wants to hear more. But Victoria is pulled away by others vying for her attention. Delia gets her first glimpse of 19-year-old Victor, Victoria’s quadriplegic grandson, who is also an artist. Delia shies away from him. (Victoria then tells the story of “The Windshield”.)

Mid-Point: A special delivery arrives for Delia; flowers, and chocolate. Victor orchestrates this to get Delia to come back and talk to him. Delia finds him charming and is amazed at his fortitude. (Victoria then narrates the story of “The Game”)

Second turning point at end of Act 2: After hearing the story of “The Heist,” and “The Donation” Delia is frustrated with the “happy endings.” Where is her happy ending? She then steals Abby’s credit card and buys herself a new phone.

Crisis: Abby intervenes, and Delia tries to kill herself (she chooses death). Abby stops her.

Climax: Victoria narrates the story of “The Ending.” Delia sides with the “older sister” in this story who doesn’t “join the party.” Victoria tells her she hopes someday she will.

Abby and Victoria reveal their identities as characters in the story and Victor’s identity as that of the precocious boy. The “twist” however, is that none of the stories are true to what really happened in life. As she reviews each story again, she explains the exact opposite and the tragedy of how each story truly resolved. Victoria admits that all her paintings are “unanswered prayers.” Delia wonders how they could possibly believe in Goodness in the face of evil. Victoria explains what Faith is – believing despite what you see. And, despite their struggles, they can choose to live joyfully and in Hope.

Resolution: Victor and Delia become friends but can’t exchange phone numbers because Delia doesn’t have a phone. Abby brings Delia back home where she embraces her mother, and they all enjoy carry-out on the front porch.

[Deb Johnson]

Okay – this is my round two for this assignment. After reading the other one-pages, I realized that my focus was off. If I wanted to tell the heart of my story, I needed to explain the framework that drives the other stories in the Plastic Bag. Here is my new One Page.

Plastic Bag

Logline: A plastic bag gets passed from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

Genre: Coming of Age / Drama

Six-year-old Delia crashes through her front glass door and leaps on the hood of a car in a last-ditch attempt to stop her father from leaving her and her mother. Flash forward 10 years and Delia still bears the physical and emotional scars from this event.

She has become a mean, sarcastic teenager; angry at her mom and addicted to her phone. Delia is suspended from school for cyberbullying. Her grandmother, Abby, takes her on a road trip.

Frustrated by Delia’s impudence, Abby takes Delia’s phone and throws it out the window. Delia is horrified. The disappointment mounts when she realizes they are going to an art exhibit. The greatest shock comes when she learns that Abby is good friends with the uber-famous artist, Victoria Hartmann.

Victoria gives them star treatment and introduces the first piece in her “Plastic Bag” exhibit. It’s called “The Curse”. She tells the story of how a teenage witch casts a spell on the bag.

There are many distractions, but Victoria carries on. She tells the story of her second piece, titled, “Carry Out”; a young father saves his baby from certain death, and by that, also saves his marriage.

Delia wanders away and discovers Cleo, Victoria’s granddaughter. Cleo is in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the neck down. Delia quickly shrinks out of the room and returns to Victoria.

Victoria tells them about two more pieces. The first is “The Windshield”, a story of how the obstruction of The Plastic Bag puts two young lovers in peril, narrowly missing a head-on collision. They save a kitten and get engaged. The second is “The Game” where a precocious 10-year-old boy orchestrates a game of “Capture the Flag” with the cursed Bag. There is an unlikely hero, who saves a young girl.

Delia is finally engaged and enjoying the stories. She checks back in, and this time connects with Cleo. Delia is amazed at Cleo’s fortitude.

Victoria tells about the piece “The Heist” where an aging father decides to leave his life of crime and reunite with his daughter. When the story concludes, Delia is missing. She stole Abby’s credit card and went to buy a smartphone. When Abby confronts her, Delia is so distraught that she steps off the curb into the path of an oncoming bus. Abby grabs her by the hair and saves her.

They return to the art exhibit the next morning. Victoria narrates the story of “The Donation,” about a prodigal daughter who returns to the warm embrace of her father.

Delia is annoyed by the happy ending. Victoria insists that her art exists only to tell what is true.

The final piece is titled “The Ending,” which picks up at the massive party being thrown in the prodigal’s honor. The older sister is furious that her father would celebrate her delinquent sister and refuses to go in the house.

Delia admits her sadness over her broken family. She hates her life and doesn’t want to live it. Victoria and Abby reveal that they are the primary characters in the artwork. Victoria is the prodigal daughter and Abby is the friend of the prodigal and the wife in “Carry Out.” Delia looks at them in a new light. She changes her mind and realizes that, though this life is cruel and unfair, it’s better to embrace what we do have and live authentically.

Abby brings Delia back home. They bring carry-out and eat it, together with Delia’s mom, on the front porch.

[Deb Johnson]

Plastic Bag by Deborah Johnson

Logline: A plastic bag gets passed from one owner to another and affects each life in a significant way.

One page:

The frame for these vignettes centers around the famous, celebrity artist, Victoria Hartmann, whose art exhibit “Plastic Bag” draws huge crowds in every major city. She is delighted when her dearest and oldest friend, Abby comes to a showing and brings her troubled, teenage granddaughter, Delia with her.

Victoria gives a personal tour of her artwork and brings each story to life, beginning with:

“The Curse” It’s another busy night at Big Daddy’s Pizza, a franchise owned by a local family. A teenager, obsessed with the occult, tries to prove to her co-workers she’s a witch and places a doomsday curse on a plastic carry-out bag. It’s weirdly convincing. The ancient grandmother, who wraps the plasticware, counters the curse before the bag is carried out by an unsuspecting customer.

Delia is intrigued, but her attention is short, she’s missing her phone and she’s annoyed with her grandmother. Victoria continues to narrate, though she, too is pulled in many different directions.

“Carry Out” Billy, the klutz, is in trouble with his wife, again, for losing another job, again. He tries to appease her with a couple of “Big Daddy’s” Calzones. During a heated argument, Baby Missy gets a hold of The Bag and suffocates herself. Pammy and Billy unite and somehow manage to save their baby.

“The Windshield” The plastic bag floats down the street and eventually, into traffic. Bram, his super talented girlfriend, Bailey, and his little brother Reggie are almost killed in a head-on collision when the Plastic Bag obscures the windshield. A kitten is rescued. Bram and Bailey get engaged and Reggie has epic plans for a game he wants to play, featuring the infamous Bag.

“The Game” In a dense forest, Reggie orchestrates a game of “capture the flag” with his neighborhood friends. When it seems as though BJ, the bully, will win (to the peril of all others), it is the nerd, Axel, who is triumphant, and BJ who must make a trip to the emergency room. He takes The Bag with him.

“The Heist” Jessie, BJ’s mom, is worried about Allen, her 68-year-old father, who shows signs of early dementia. She brings him some homemade food in The Bag. Dennis, Allen’s younger brother, has wrangled him into yet another smash-and-grab. This time, they are stealing from a church. Allen manages to outwit his brother and deposits the money (hidden in The Bag) into a Salvation Army donation bin.

“The Donation” Becky, 19 years old and pregnant, finds The Bag with the stolen money as she sorts through the donations at her job at the Salvation Army store. She desperately needs the money to keep her from eviction, but she blows it all in a rash spending spree. Even though her neighbor, Pammy, offers to help, she ends up calling her estranged father, Big Daddy Pizza himself. He is overwhelmed with joy to bring his lost daughter home.

“The Party” Baily arrives home. It’s a vast estate. She’s surprised to see a massive party going on, complete with fireworks. The security guard explains that her sister, Becky, has come home and her father has pulled out all the stops. Baily is furious. Her father comes out to her and tries to get her to join the party, but it doesn’t look like she will.

Delia is moved by the stories but is ultimately confused. Her father left her when she was six. Nobody saved her. She has no happy ending. Victoria insists that her art exists only to tell what is true.

Abby reveals that she is, indeed, Pammy in the story and that Victoria is Becky. Delia finally breaks down and admits that she needs help. Abbie takes Delia home to what we hope is a new life for her.

[Deb Johnson]

My name is Deborah Johnson and I’ve written, I don’t know, maybe 5 or 6 complete scripts. I hope to take my current script and make it better. I hope to elevate myself as a writer. I recently discovered that I’m allergic to corn/corn products – which sounds really terrible, but, actually, I’m quite relieved to know what’s been causing my migraines. I haven’t had a headache in over a month now! Yahoo!

[Deb Johnson]

Deborah Johnson

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Blair,

You have several interest techniques that work well in this scene and your characters deliver on their traits. Here are a few observations:

Interesting Setting – Saloon

Scene 1 – Marcus Flirts with Carley
Scene 2 – Marcus beats Carley at Cards
Scene 3 – They both admit they cheated at cards.
Meant to be together – they are both card sharks.

Carley comes across as tough, distracting, and polite and her subtext can be seen as she avoids direct questions from Marcus.

Marcus’ trait of being Strategic is strong and his subtext is seen when he outmaneuvers Carley in the game.

Funny line: (delivering character trait)
Marcus – my apologies for you bumping into me.

Suspense: we know Marcus likes Carley “do I picture courtship?…”, but how will this play out?
Major twist: they both cheat at cards
Surprise: Marcus wins the card game
Mislead/reveal: we think Carley has won the game, till Marcus shows his cards.
Intrigue: the final scene; what is Marcus after?
Uncomfortable moment: Carley accuses Marcus of cheating.
Predictions: In scene 1, Marcus hints at romance
Creating a future: the final scene is a set up for the two of them to become a team – to cheat at cards together. This is an interesting hook as part of the cliffhanger to the scene. Where will they go from here?

Keep up the great work. Glad to have participated in this class with you!

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks Blair. All excellent observations. We walk a fine line with our creativity and following the dictates outlined in the scene description. My scene is a ‘twist’ on the original situation. I saw Carley as tough and playing out her subtext as she does all she can to resist the hallucinogen. She doesn’t like Marcus at all, but her caring nature “creates” the vomit guy to avoid hurting Marcus’ feelings. The vomit guy is one way her subconscious distracts to get away from Marcus. Yes – she does like Ben, so she brings him into the scene as a way of getting away from Marcus.
So, perhaps it was all a stretch, and didn’t work, but it was a fun ‘experiment’ nonetheless. I appreciate your feedback. This has been a great class!

[Deb Johnson]

Ugh. Total misery. Hope your back on your feet soon. Hang in there.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Chris,

An absolutely fantastic scene. You had me suspended and my interest was peaked throughout. Great use of interest techniques. I had to pick through the scene carefully to see how you did what you did, and these are my observations:

Suspense – location + binoculars – what’s she looking at?

Surprise – barrel of a rifle (Hook)

Building Brandy’s character:

Brandy’s outfit – entertaining

The cops also allude to entertainers when describing her.

Brandy speaks to the cops as tough/smart mouth/not easily intimidated – not exactly one of her traits but engaging none-the-less.

Brandy’s suitcase – more entertaining clothing – flyers of herself as an exotic dancer (Uncomfortable moment?)

Brandy says “I entertain.”

Then there’s more – how she interprets her act – and how Cop #2 reacts to it.

Then – is Brandy even her real name? Funny – Sinead O connor.

Finally we get to – why she’s there and her relationship to Philo

Note: for some reason, I had pictured in my mind a hot summer day (don’t ask me why) – and was surprised by “my hands are cold”.

Asking for a “ciggy” – distracting, not afraid.

Cop #1 begins to build Philo’s reputation… on the run, etc. (Intrigue/Mystery)

She lies by denying any knowledge of Philo… as they describe his crimes, they build his reputation.

They question her again about why she’s there and her story breaks down. Then a Major Twist – they have a picture of her and Philo together.

She’s quick to deceive – “thought his name was Mick”.

Brandy continues her charade till they finally place her under arrest. Then she runs. (implying guilt)

The bit with Brandy in the car, trying desperately to warn Philo is great – you take your time with Uncertainty – hope / fear.

Then Philo on the bike (? Ha!) – which leads us to a great Mislead/Reveal when the cops are shot. (and you took enough time to develop them that, perhaps, we were just getting to like them!)

Philo takes over – his traits precede him and are present in dialogue – except perhaps the “sense of entitlement.” Brandy’s “Needy” isn’t quite there either. Both of their subtexts, however, were screaming.

Cliffhanger: what the heck? Burn her car? Where are they going? She seems like a hostage, now.

Overall, your characters are very rich and engaging. You do a great job of building them in front of our eyes – this is something you are very good at, and I admire it.

One more scene to go. Looking forward to it!

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks Blair – so glad to be able to exchange feedback with you. It’s been very helpful.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Blair,

Nice, dramatic scene. Even though your logline hinted at who the villain was, I will still surprised by the twist. Here is what I observed…

BRANDY

Traits
– Status seeking – wants a promotion – wants to be a V.P.
– Entertaining – she’s smart and witty
– Needy – wants to shadow Phillip – depends on Charles to promote her.
– Deceptive – she set Phillip up for the arrest

Subtext: Brandy willingly lies when it serves her purpose. (defends Phillip to FBI agents)

Nice use of subtext – she lies to the FBI agents to make Phillip think she’s on his side, but also set the whole thing up so he would be arrested.

PHILLIP

Traits
– Manipulative – he schemed to get his promotion
– Sense of entitlement – says he deserved the promotion
– Guilt ridden – admits he dabbled with the Schuller account but then dropped it.
– Polite – his dialogue is very polite

Subtext: Phillip is polite…as he manipulates those around him. (hinted at in the way he got his promotion)

Suspense: who’s at the door?
Major twist: Phillip is arrested
Surprise: Brandy orchestrated the arrest
Setting: Phillips home – (perhaps a different setting could add to the drama?)
Intrigue: imbedded in the dialogue – especially with Phillip, how did he get his promotion?
Mystery: how does Charles fit into all this, and will he make Brandy a V.P.?
Cliffhanger: Brandy is put off by Charles – what will she do now?
Character Changes/Betrayal: Brandy is the “bad guy” – also – Charles seems to be betraying Brandy
Uncomfortable Moment: the arrest
Predictions/Creating a future: Brandy’s promotion
Anticipatory Dialogue: Phillip tells Brandy to call Charles “he’ll know what to do.”

Just a couple suggestions: Phillip says that Brandy is the smartest and wittiest – It would be fun to give Brandy something to say that is bright and witty. While Phillip’s traits are all there – they could be stronger/exaggerated – especially his subtext – to make the scene more interesting/compelling.

This was a fun scene! One more to go!

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks Chris – I appreciate all your insights… and some great ideas to build on. I guess I thought Josh was put in his own dilemma because Renee asked him to be there – but it needs some development. I didn’t want Renee to come across as paranoid – but I wanted her to continue to plant seeds of doubt and paranoia in Maxine… that’s why she says what she says – to try to steer Max away from the mall. It’s always good for me to see if/how my intentions are received – and what I need to do make them clear – so, again, thanks!

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks, Blair, for your generous feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to pinpoint your insights. For some reason I went with “Principle Skinner” but couldn’t figure out why I wanted that name – and then you reminded me it was from “The Simpsons”! Of course! I completely forgot.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Blair,

I love your Essence! It made me laugh.

While your Traits came through clearly, here are a few examples of how they stood out right away:

RENEE

Prissy: “I know you think I'm overly prim at times…”
Devious: “unless she does something soon, she may not be able to fit into a prom dress much longer”
Outgoing: (her way of engaging with Maxine)
Conformist “We're all just a bunch of obedient automatons…”

MAXINE

Tricky: “If I play my cards right, Mitch will be my date to prom.”
Panicky: “I am still intensely triggered…”
Paranoid: “Shhh! Keep your voice down…”
Emotionally Wounded “not after what he did to me right after he dumped me.”

Something unseen: Mitch
Mystery: will the secret remain a secret?
Anticipatory Dialogue: Maxine: “He's not going to find out!”
Uncomfortable Moment: Everyone staring at Maxine

I don’t know if the scene in the Gym is necessary (to establish that Renee is a leader). You could cut right to the locker room without missing a beat.

I think it’s a great Cliffhanger at the end when “Renee gives a sly smile.” We know she likes Mitch, and she has motivation to turn the tables on Maxine, but we don’t know till the very end that she betrayed her on purpose.

I also like that, in the end, they both get what they want – Maxine is going to the prom with Mitch, yet Renee, with her betrayal, has made that future uncertain for Maxine. This is a great way to bring out both of their subtext successfully.

For Maxine, I think Panicky and Paranoid seem to be very closely related and it was hard for me to tell the difference between the two. Perhaps if she did or hinted at something she would do – that would bring about her “panic” – maybe she starts hyperventilating or has some sort of physical reaction that would cause Renee some concern – it could heighten the drama.

Keep up the great work!

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Chris,

Another interesting/engaging scene. Your logline delivered – it was clearly a game of one-upmanship. The twist at the end, where we realize Maxine also has power over Renee (something on her iPad) delivered on the Essence. Both women had something to lose and something to hold over one another. Maxine’s Traits came across effectively… Adventurous, Snobbish, Paranoid and Emotionally wounded. It’s an interesting contrast with her traits – to be Adventurous and Paranoid at the same time.

You spend a lot of time with Renee, making us believe she has the upper hand. Because of this, Renee becomes more and more unsavory as the scene goes on. Perhaps that’s why it’s so satisfying in the end when we realize that Maxine has some dirt on her too.

Renee’s traits of being Prissy, Devious, and Outgoing are very strong. She comes across as a Conformist, yet she, too, has her own secrets. This is an effective use of ‘Character Changes Radically’.

Your Hook makes us wonder exactly what Renee walked in on… and you do a good job setting up and unraveling the “Mystery”… with some surprises along the way. “Tracy &amp; Clarissa” is the “Something Unseen.” All of these made the other interest techniques come across very well… Uncomfortable Moment(s), Anticipatory Dialogue, Creating a Future, and the Cliffhanger.

I appreciate how you are always able to match up your characters with a challenging situation. Though they are friends/colleagues, I feel that Maxine spends a lot of time justifying herself/actions to Renee. However, there is nothing about Renee that seems trustworthy. She comes across more as a nosey neighbor. And maybe that’s the point, that these women, clearly are not friends… simply two people who want to one-up one another. I understand that I don’t have to like Renee, but I do wish there was something ‘redeeming’ or even ‘contractual’ about her that would make Maxine take the time to explain her actions.

Again, overall great job. Keep it up!

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Blair,

Great work. The Anticipatory Dialogue makes us wonder about the relationship between Squire and Nancy. You give Nancy a Dilemma and Squire an Uncomfortable Moment. You end the scene with a Cliffhanger – making us wonder what will happen to bank robbers.

The situation – The banter at the beginning indicates a romantic relationship might be brewing. I don’t get a sense that they don’t trust each other.

The scene arc – they do make a mess of the situation – and bank robbers get away.

Nancy –
Confrontational – the way she charges into the bank without backup.
Stubborn – insists on driving
Scheming – I think she wants to date Squire?
Caring – Wants to make sure her partner is safe.

Squire –
Evasive – “Now why would I do that?”
Selfish – not sure
Happy-go-lucky – not sure
Seductive – Offers to buy Nancy lunch (subtext) also he asks the female bank robber if they ever dated.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Chris,

Another great scene. The situation, scene arc, and essence all came through loud and clear.
Nancy’s traits of confrontational and stubbornness were strong. “Scheming”, fits her job description. Perhaps a little more could be done with her “caring”?
Squire was very easy to see. Describing him as “30, but looks 21,” created a great visual image for me that helped secure his traits. All his traits were present.
You also did a great job of building ‘dread’ as the scene goes on. You just know Squire is going to screw things up.
Good use of Predictions, Anticipatory Dialogue, Creating a Future, and Uncomfortable Moment. I think your “Something Unseen” and “Mystery” had something to do with “Philly.”
Perhaps a hook or a cliffhanger could make the scene stronger… as everything unfolds as anticipated. I guess I was a little surprised that they revealed themselves as FBI right away – but I guess, at this point, they had no choice (Dilemma).

[Deb Johnson]

Chris,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful insights. Yes – Nick “giving in” was a comedic attempt at ‘character changes radically’… he’s so overcome by John’s kindness that he gives up the truth. I, too wrestled with whether John tricked Nick by offering 50% – or did so genuinely. I had “Laurel and Hardy” in mind when writing this scene – so I may have leaned too hard on John’s desire to remain loyal to the friendship. Abner was simply a ploy to get the pie fight going on the street. But, for comedy to work, it still needs an element of truth.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Blair – thanks for the great feedback. I may have been trying too hard to incorporate the pie fight. It came to me when I figured out that John would bake pies… a throwback to the famous Laurel and Hardy scene from that era. While it adds a touch of humor, it does come off as “forced”… especially when working within the parameters set by Hal. In my edit – I may just have the pies destroyed in some other way.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Blair,

Great job nailing the situation and scene arc. Also, a nice twist at the end – the information John receives is false and fatal!

John is
Daring: confronting his brother, finding his “lair”, his willingness to fight
Distrustful: While he asks a lot of questions – he seems to accept Nick’s answers at face value.
Loyal: John says “I’ve always been a devoted brother”
Loner: Not sure this comes across

Nick is
Confident: smooth and easy with his talk, justifying his actions
Conniving: His plans to crash the train
Rebellious: He has bucked the system and gone rogue
Giving: Not sure this came across

Nick’s hand wound (with the scissors) seems exaggerated… it has completely debilitated him. It’s difficult to believe that this wound would cause such distress for Nick. Perhaps this is part of his conniving ruse to get John to speed up the train?

Good job. Looking forward to your next scene.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Chris,

Another excellent practice of skills. I especially appreciate how you gave John visual actions that brought out all his traits very quickly.
Daring: quickly pretending to be a bartender, etc.
Loner: the bit with the crossword puzzle
Loyal: his initiative to help his friends
Distrustful: his suspicions that all is not well.

Your initial description “JOHN COOPER, late 40s, off-duty plain clothes cop” – is something we can’t see. We do find out later when he calls to get Nick’s rap sheet, that he is law enforcement. This could be a surprise or a reveal in the scene… instead of telling us up front.

Nick comes across as very scary. I like how you build his reputation – first with the fear in Lola and Vicente and then with the roar of the motorcycle. His confident entrance and “rebellious” look seal the deal. Conniving: he’s there to extort money. Giving: with the generous tip.

You do a great job with “uncertainty” hope/fear… Will Nick believe John? Will John get Nick’s license? John checks for his gun… locking up. Nick fidgets. John gets the rap sheet. The final confrontation.

Since John getting Nicks license is crucial, perhaps we can see a little more of Nick being “Rebellious” when John asks for it. He’s appealing to Nick’s vanity – but maybe there could be one more hope/fear exchange before Nick gives in.

The twist at the end is interesting. He doesn’t arrest him – but tells him to get out of town. An interesting choice – which will take us into further development of the story and John’s character. Nice.

You begin the scene with John and the replacement of the window. I think this is to show that Nick was here before and caused trouble. My expectation was that the window would somehow play out later in the scene. Maybe not necessary, but an expectation, nonetheless.

Again – really enjoyed the scene. Great work.

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks, Blair for the notes. This feedback helps me see what’s there and what’s missing. I’ll do another pass and see what I can come up with! ~ Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Chris,
Thanks for the feedback and excellent suggestions. If I’ve learned anything so far, it’s that this scene could be written multiple ways and could use all your ideas to elevate the scene. It’s a silly scene that I had a lot of fun writing. I pictured the two 21-year-olds as cousins but didn’t make that clear. Also – the bit with the wallet – great ideas for building intrigue. I also wanted to have Trent realize it was missing but never got there. I’m going to do a rewrite and see where it goes! ~ Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Sorry to learn you’ve been in the hospital – six days is quite an ordeal. I will keep an eye out for your assignments and provide feedback when needed. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

[Deb Johnson]

Deb’s feedback for Blair

Here are some things I observed in your scene. Hope this is helpful!

Overall, great job using multiple interest techniques, building the tension between the two characters, and creating a dramatic twist.

Essence – Betrayal

Situation – Trent and Robert seem to be allies in a crime, but things turn out bad for Trent.

Scene Arc: Robert is on his way to a celebration and ends up knocking Trent out (possibly killing him?!!).

Character Traits –

Robert’s dress (tux) is gregarious. He’s secretive in how he pretends not to know about the money being gone. His subtext plays out in how he spreads gossip (Trent is going to leave his wife.) He’s smooth – in the way he calmly delivers the bad news to Trent. The low self-esteem shows up when he says, “I was certain you were going to screw me over.”

Trent – He conspires with Robert to steal the money. In the end, we see his aggression to fight Robert. The way he’s arranged his room is meticulous. He stands out as needy because he thinks he and Robert are allies. Not sure how Trent’s subtext plays out in this scene.

You build some great suspense with the poker that Robert handles.
A major twist occurs when Robert turns on Trent.
Mislead / Reveal – the empty bank account.
Character changes radically – Robert
Betrayal – Robert turns on Trent.
Superior Position – The way Robert handles the poker; we know Trent is in trouble.
Intrigue – the conspiracy to steal Mary’s money.
Setup/Surprise – the money is missing.

Great work! Looking forward to your next scene!

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Chris, just realized I probably should have posted this feedback in the other forum. I’ll do that next time. – Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Here’s my feedback – hope it’s helpful.

I love the strong grip you have on the setting and characters. It all easily comes alive in my mind. I can’t help but see Colin Farrell as Rob.

The scene arc follows from celebration to ass-kicking. (and what a kicking!)

Your use of interest techniques kept me engaged. Mick’s betrayal is rough!

The character subtext for Trent was strong. There is a gradual reveal that he, indeed, only pretends to be wealthy. I know you changed him from needy to demanding, which is similar (someone needy is always demanding something) I wonder if you were to stick with “needy” (a softer quality) it might add a different nuance to his character.

Robert’s character subtext of being a gossip is nuanced… Rob and Mick’s banter about the guests is fun/engaging… but everything Rob says seems to be true.

On the character’s actions:
Trent is very menacing – good on conspiring, aggressive (the bit with the tie is great), and meticulous.
On Rob – great description/set up – I dread going into the back room as much as Rob does. Also – his secretive trait comes through in his secret relationship.

Great work! Can’t wait to read your next scene!

[Deb Johnson]

It’s been a while but I remember this movie! Wonderful analysis. I would do well to study more of Mamet’s scripts. He’s masterful.

[Deb Johnson]

Hi Christopher,
Thanks for your encouragement and interest. Right now the script is in a bit of disarray – like a piece of clay that's been slapped down to be reshaped. So, I'm not confident with any of the changes – just yet. However, here is my opening scene. I'll give you the original and then my rewrite. Note: the original opening is backstory that may show up later… again, it's all pretty fuzzy…
Original:
EXT. OWL CREEK BRIDGE – NIGHT
1986
The moon hides behind the clouds.
EDMUND HOLLISTER, 21, tall, strong, and sweating with desperation, stands at the center of the bridge. His Honda Accord idles behind him. He holds an old manual typewriter, circa 1920. Two hundred feet below; a narrow waterway.
He wears a Members Only jacket, pegged acid-washed jeans, and a Swatch watch.
He tries to hurl the typewriter over the edge but it catches the rail and drops on his foot. He cries out in pain.
He picks it up and steps onto the rail, then again, till he is clear of the rail and can see over the bridge. Once again, he hurls the typewriter.
He realizes that his hands are mysteriously glued to the machine. He can’t release it. The momentum pulls him over the edge. Both Edmund and the typewriter plummet.
The clouds part. The moon's eerie glow beams down on the rail.
Moments later, another typewriter, electric, circa 1986, materializes on the guard rail.
FADE TO BLACK.

New Opening Scene:

EXT. MUDBRICK FLOOR BACKGROUND – DAY
3200 BCE
A clay tablet, inscribed with cuneiform letters, is smashed.
Moments later, a papyrus and reed pen materialize.
FADE TO BLACK.

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks, Nick! – so much to learn. Here we go! – Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Either way is fine! Take your time. Hope you feel better soon!

[Deb Johnson]

Feedback:

A. Is the setup absolutely clear and does it make it easy to move into the 10 pages? YES – the setup is absolutely clear – the first 10 pages of the screenplay.

B. Did the 10 pages deliver on the genre?

The story is clearly set up in the first 10 pages. We follow a family who is struggling to keep their Pastie shop in Northern Michigan open. One daughter, Elisabeth, will soon move away to New York. The other daughter, Margaret, works at a bar. We also get a glimpse into Elisabeth’s longing for something more (a career in fashion) and though she’s not great at it (yet) we can clearly see she’s passionate about it. An interesting twist at the end is the surprise appearance of a famous rock star who gets into a bike accident near Margaret’s bar.

The Drama genre is clear because we are dealing with the inner lives of this family – so I am anxious to see the characters develop, grow, and change.

The only thing that seems to be a little unclear is the Protagonist and the Antagonist. I have a hunch that Elisabeth is the Protagonist – since we spend so much time with her in the first few pages. And the Antagonist might be Mary, the mom. She seems to be the only one who wants to keep the Pastie shop open – and since this is the movie’s title, I assume that this is what everyone will rally around in the end. If this is the case, then we need to see the two tangle a little bit more.

Or maybe it’s Jacques? He loves Elisabeth and wants her to stay – so maybe he is the one who forces some sort of change?

C. Was the writing highly compelling?

The setup for the story is clear, concise, and compelling. We are introduced to all the important characters and are left with questions that make us wonder what will happen next… what happened to Aunt Kay? How will Jones Jamison fit into the story?

The description lines are short and to the point but there are a few places where they tell us something we can’t see… this is all exposition that can be told visually. (Note: I sent a separate email with some suggestions to help with this.)

Overall – a fun and compelling first ten pages. I’m anxious to see how the story develops!

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks, Denise! I appreciate the feedback and the encouragement!!! – Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Hi Pam, Thanks! I sent you an email re: your query letter. Unfortunately, I accidentally sent it through my outdated email app (long story) anyway – you will get it – I just think it might take a week or so. Sorry about that. Glad we can Connect – Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Sure thing – just let me know when you’re ready- no rush.

[Deb Johnson]

Hey Bob – glad you made it!

[Deb Johnson]

Hey David! Nice to see you here!

Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks, Gordie.

[Deb Johnson]

Sunil, I will post my notes to you in this forum – or if you would like me to email you – that’s fine too. My email is ddomm1130@hotmail.com. I hope to get back to you by this Friday 9/1.

Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Sunil,

If you would like me to provide feedback, please reply and let me know. I’d be glad to get your feedback on my work if you are interested and have the time.

Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Bob – Yes – let’s exchange. I’ll send you an email.

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks, Bob, it will be interesting to see how it all comes together!

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks, Bob – I appreciate your kind words and support!

[Deb Johnson]

Hi Bob! Nice to see you here! – Deb

[Deb Johnson]

All clear – and finally some rain! 🙂

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks for the feedback

(BTW, I’m in Michigan and we’re under an air quality alert!… Oh, Canada…)

I was able to access the Week 4 Audio Recording on Character Moments today.

It says I will have access to Week 4, Days 1 & 2 tomorrow.

I also put in a request last week to see if they could change the forum headings for week 3 to reflect the correct scene analysis.

At any rate – I’ve been able to access everything else in a timely manner and am enjoying/learning/elevating my writing even with these small glitches! Hope you are too!

[Deb Johnson]

Really appreciated the following insights:

“Only when we are settled in wanting to comfort him, we realize someone else is patiently listening to him, like us. Perhaps that helps us identify with Don? ”

I think you’re right.

“Bonasera is challenged to accept a relationship he’s despised for decades”

One thing that adds depth/intrigue to this scene is that the relationship goes way back – and as far as Don Corleone is concerned, it hasn’t been a friendly relationship. This is not just someone off the street asking for a favor.

[Deb Johnson]

“His subtext forces her to abandon him. Her subtext forces him to say he doesn’t love her.”

Great insight. This helps me better understand how the “wound” plays out in the scene… creating a movement in the characters that makes for relevant/interesting drama. (Which is what we are trying to create!). Wounds beget wounds… so to speak.

[Deb Johnson]

great insight on the location – the symbolism of the location – both as “homeless people” and the lights of the supermarket.

[Deb Johnson]

good point. I didn’t notice at first how this scene also builds the suspense – will they eventually come together and if so – how? Internally, after watching this scene, I thought – “I really want to see this movie again” – and it was BECAUSE OF THIS SCENE. Now that’s good writing.

[Deb Johnson]

I like how you mentioned that these characters are the embodiment of the bigger struggle.

I, too, did not see a relevant secret.

[Deb Johnson]

Hal suggests that you isolate and do it one at a time. And I’m quoting him here…

1) “Get clarity on your purpose” (in this instance – pick just one thing you want to elevate)

2) “Brainstorm possible solutions”

3) rinse and repeat as needed. (I made that part up – but you see what I mean?)

“You are going to succeed. Keep at it.”

[Deb Johnson]

Here are a couple of suggestions… (note: the dialogue should be italicized)

Adam (V.O.)

Like this?

Or

Adam (V.O.)

(telepathy)

Like this?

Or

Adam

(unspoken, subtitled)

Like this?

Re: Pg. 44 – If the context sets up the scene, then it’s clear. If there is no context, I would add:

Riku tugs the ribbon, pulls it quick and tight across his shin, then rolls his hands in a tumbling motion.

[Deb Johnson]

Hi Bob,

HUGE DISCLAIMER – I may have totally ruined this scene, but here is my attempt. Take it or leave it.

FRAN KING, 21, average physically, but on the verge mentally, can barely stuff the final suitcase and box of toys into her 1973 yellow VW Beetle. SUSAN, 3, sits on the porch and clutches her stuffed bear.

Fran wipes her nose and teary eyes as she gazes at the house. She takes an envelope from her shirt pocket, smacks it on her hand, then puts it back. She scoops up Susan and gently stuffs her into the car.

Note: I kept the envelope in the scene because I’m assuming it will come into play later.

I left out “Daddy’s Girl” because this is difficult to see. I know you’re going for a dynamic character description, but I’m not sure what that looks like.

Hope this helps, but if not, please disregard it.

[Deb Johnson]

David,

Tough decisions to make! I liked your first open because we meet the boys right away and can see them in a difficult situation. If you wanted to keep it, you could tighten it up a bit. No dialogue is necessary and the courtroom scene could be shorter. That being said, I do like your new open. Since you are dealing with two worlds, it’s important to establish that in the beginning. It also presents us with the question – who are these children? So it works on multiple levels.

Great job working through this assignment. The more we work at it, the better we get.

[Deb Johnson]

Thank you for your kind words. This class has been, and continues to be amazing!

[Deb Johnson]

I suspected something to that effect. 🙂 Makes sense.

[Deb Johnson]

Bob,

Seems like you’ve crafted a wonderful “underdog” story… between Fran and her father and also Fran and the rowing team.

Your setups in Acts 1 & 2 come to a nice resolution in Act 3. And the beats raise the steaks and push us all the way to the end.

It is very difficult to take a personal true story and turn it into a screenplay. You have to take real people, box them up, and make them follow a certain set of rules!

Keep up the good work.

[Deb Johnson]

Your structure is solid and follows all the rules. Nice set up and follow through – it seems like a great adventure story!

One red flag comes to mind (and I don’t know your script – so I don’t have all the details) so forgive any ignorance…

You have Freddy kill the queen and not Adam. It appears that Adam is the protag. And the queen is the Antag. So shouldn’t Adam defeat her ultimately?

Like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, her friends helped her, but it was she who killed the witch.

Great work and good luck with your first page rewrite.

[Deb Johnson]

I liked how you shortened Fran’s response. It’s a nice, quick exchange that works.

[Deb Johnson]

#1 – Ian’s line works – in other words, let someone else have a turn. nice

#2 – great response from Freddy – lightens it up and does what you want it to do.

[Deb Johnson]

yes – good point and well taken

[Deb Johnson]

Nice, both the action and dialogue support Adam’s core traits. Nice work.

[Deb Johnson]

I can see how you are working Fran’s core character traits into her dialogue. Keep up the good work!

[Deb Johnson]

I can definitely see the conflict that you have going in this scene. This is definitely more of a “competing agendas” structure because V wants one thing and F wants the other. This works well.

If you wanted to do “superior position” the audience would need to know up front either V’s or F’s position. (For example V is on his cell phone taking to someone about offering the leadership position to F.) Then the audience is clued into what F is walking into – and wonder how she will respond. Or flip it by F telling her friend how much she hates being a leader.

Another option would be “surprise”. The conversation is V talking generally about the importance of leadership and what is required… To which F responds positively and in agreement. Then at the end of the scene she asks “so who do you have in mind” and V responds “you”.

Hope this is helpful – keep up the great work.

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks Bob – glad it resonated with you. The feedback is helpful. I’ll be sure to look for your assignment.

[Deb Johnson]

Definitely a much more powerful scene. I now see Adam as a contender – who isn’t afraid to step up and speak the truth.

A dramatic change from the first scene, where Dad just comes off as a bully/jerk.

Great work.

[Deb Johnson]

Yes – thank you. another great suggestion.

[Deb Johnson]

Great twist at the end!

[Deb Johnson]

Brilliant, David, I love the ideas… especially the shoes.

My dad also suffered with dementia before he passed. It’s a terrible thing, but there were a lot of funny moments, too.

Thanks very much for the feedback.

[Deb Johnson]

Hi Bob,

I really like that we can see Colette moving slowly and in pain.

I would almost like to see a little more of this… perhaps she’s moving so slowly that Gary gets up to help her… their conversation could begin at that point and carry on to the table. Maybe he offers to take her tray (if she lets him).

Not sure if Colette’s arms hurt, but I know that after a hard workout, even lifting a fork to the mouth could be uncomfortable.

Every “wince” of discomfort could add drama to her words.

Take it or leave it. I think you’ve built a solid scene and I can feel Colette’s pain.

Good work!

Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks Robert! I appreciate the feedback.

[Deb Johnson]

Hi Lisa!

We made it through another difficult (for me!) assignment! (Whew.)

Just a couple of things I noticed upfront –

I like how the beat changed from just a random dog – to the introduction of Chessie – who plays a bigger role in the story.

Molly is now more defiant – she’s doing all she can to prevent this “disaster” from happening.

Edgar is also a little more fleshed out (didn’t realize the age difference between Ed and April!) He comes across as softer and more sympathetic to Molly. I like him right away.

I don’t really like April – but I think that’s the point!

Definitely feel sympathy for Molly.

Great work!

[Deb Johnson]

Nice improvements!

I have a few comments and a few suggestions (I can’t help it, these characters are very real to me!) – but, of course, take it or leave it as needed.

re: Molly – I like how you want to develop her “devastation” at the beginning… and I love the metaphor you use in the second act when Ed saves her from the storm. Perhaps it’s literally “storming” when she arrives – she’s a hot mess the first time she meets Ed and Jane both physically and emotionally.

I like that you want to develop the confrontation scene between Ed and Mars. I see Ed as, perhaps being either jealous of their relationship (Molly and Mars) or remorseful that he (Ed) can’t do what Mars can do for her.

I also see a rift between April and Jane. And, while they never meet, Perhaps this is something you can capitalize on when April re-joins the family. Maybe there are things that Jane did for Molly that April feels jealous over – or hurt that she couldn’t be a part of. Again – this is just a broad stroke – but maybe it will help you as you plant a few kindnesses for Jane to do for Molly earlier in the story.

[Deb Johnson]

great feedback – thanks.

Yes – I see what you mean about Cora – good suggestion.

[Deb Johnson]

Thanks very much!

Looking forward to the next assignment.

Appreciate the feedback,

Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Hi Lisa,

You have a great ensemble of contrasting characters that all need to arc in a unique way. This is a strong foundation to build from.

Having read your one page and beats, it feels like something is missing from both Molly’s and Mars core character traits. There is a real discipline and toughness that they both have – otherwise, Mars would not be a successful choreographer and Molly would not be an amazing dancer. I can see these characteristics in your story, but it’s not mentioned in your character profiles. Not sure if this is important – just something I noticed.

Also – there is a distinction in the way Jane is “Caring” and April is “Caring”. Jane is physically there for Ed and Molly – she truly takes “care” of them… however, April is distant. So maybe a different word to describe April? I don’t know, I mean, I know she loves her daughter – but she displays this love in a different way.

Keep up the good work – I can truly see these people as you describe them. Hope this is encouraging and helpful to you.

Deb

[Deb Johnson]

Sounds good. Thanks!

[Deb Johnson]

Hi Lisa – since we are both working on “coming of age” dramas (not sure if you get that from my one page!) I thought we could partner up during this course.

I, too, went to film school (Columbia College, Chicago). I worked as a producer for business television (primarily Diamler-Chrysler). A few years ago, I worked with my kids to create a YouTube show to encourage young violinists to practice (MyFriendIzzy). We made about 60 shorts.

I, also, am on EST.

You can email me at: ddomm1130@hotmail.com

Deb Johnson