Douglas E. Hughes
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I’m ready to exchange scripts, too. I can also read Final Draft of .pdf versions. I can be reached at dehughes58@hotmail.com.
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Douglas E. Hughes – Description
What I learned is that, yes, there’s a strong tendency to skim through this exercise if you’re not careful. I went through the script three times, just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. Each time, I found a few opportunities to clarify and/or abbreviate some of the description, but all in all, the descriptions weren’t in bad shape. At the end of the process, I’d only lost about a third of a page of script.
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Douglas E. Hughes – Amazing Opening Scene
What I’ve learned: well, it’s going to start sounding like I’m making excuses here, but once again, I find myself in the situation where the problems with my opening scene were solved by some of the changes I made doing some of the earlier exercises. I’m very happy with the opening as it stands now. It introduces the protagonist and antagonist on the first page, and quickly gives us a sense of who they both are. The antagonist’s introduction comes in the form of a news report, which I recognize is a device that’s often used; but the protagonist’s (Jack’s) introduction is very different indeed. By the end of the third page, we already have a pretty detailed idea of who he is, we have some hints about his relationships with a couple of the other principals, and we have a very clear idea of the predicament he finds himself in. I’ve come up with a few alternative openings, but a) none of them accomplish the same objectives as effectively as this opening does, and b) ALL of them are longer. So here, for better or worse, is my “before” AND “after” opening:
EXT POLICE STATION – EVENING
A reporter stands in front of the station, microphone in hand, as a police vehicle pulls up beside her. ROBIN CONNOR, a middle-aged guy in a business suit and handcuffs, is led out of the vehicle and towards the station by two POLICEMEN. Various REPORTERS try to get Connor to comment as a few other POLICEMEN keep them at bay.
REPORTER
In a stunning development, investment guru Robin Connor has been arrested for running a massive Ponzi scheme. Connor, whose investors included major charities, brokerage firms and pension funds, is accused of bilking his clients–many of them senior citizens–out of hundreds of millions of dollars, and could potentially end up spending the rest of his life in prison.
Over the reporter’s shoulder, the other reporters follow Connor and his escort towards the station, hurling questions at him.
INT JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
INSERT – THE SCREEN OF A LAPTOP shows an image of a cheesy, 80’s-era TV commercial. JACK NEWMAN, an over-the-top late-night huckster in his 30’s, bedecked in a diamond-studded tux and with diamond rings on every finger, sits at a poker table. Stacks of money surround him and he is flanked by three scantily-clad COCKTAIL WAITRESSES.
JACK
Come on down to Diamond Jack Newman’s where every hand’s a winner! I’ll buy your diamond rings, your earrings, your pendants, your necklaces–(holding up bundles of money)–and I’ll pay you in cold hard cash.
The waitresses execute a few steps of shaky choreography.
WAITRESSES
Ooh!
JACK
Don’t delay! Come down today! I’m Jack of Diamonds and–
He holds up a poker hand: a royal flush in diamonds.
BACK TO SCENE
Present-day Jack, a charismatic, feisty old dude in his 70’s, watches the commercial on his laptop. Jack’s the quintessential self-made man, a real rags-to-riches story. He joins in with his younger self for the tagline.
JACK/YOUNG JACK
Have I got a deal for you!
Jack sighs, takes a large slug of whiskey. His phone RINGS.
JACK
Finally!
He looks at his phone expectantly. His face falls as he sees it’s a message from LISA. It reads, “Dad, PLEASE call me already!”
JACK
Oh for the love of Christ, leave me alone!
He deletes the text and taps on his phone. It RINGS.
INSERT – PHONE SCREEN
The name CONNOR shows on the screen.
VOICE (O.S., filtered) We’re sorry, this number is no longer in service.
BACK TO SCENE
JACK
What the hell?
He puts down the phone and taps on his computer keyboard.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
Jack’s email account, showing five emails addressed to Robin Connor that have been marked “undeliverable.”
BACK TO SCENE
Jack, alarmed, opens his online investment account.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
The account’s empty — nothing but zeros.
BACK TO SCENE
JACK
What?! Where the hell did all my money go?
There is a KNOCK at the door.
JACK
What?
BLANCHE pokes her head in. She’s an aging beauty in her 60’s who looks younger than her years.
BLANCHE
What are you doing, Jack? Everyone’s waiting.
JACK
(eyes fixed on the computer screen) Uh, I’m… not going.
BLANCHE
You’re not going? Oh come on, you’ve got to say goodbye.
JACK
I said goodbye already. Twice.
BLANCHE
But he’s your friend.
Jack sits stone-faced, staring at the screen.
BLANCHE (CONT’D)
Oh, you’re impossible.
She leaves. Jack sighs, takes another slug of whiskey, hauls himself up, opens the door and yells down the hallway.
JACK
Alright, alright, Blanche, I’m coming, OK?
He picks up his jacket, hesitates, then opens a drawer packed with bottles of single malt whiskey. He grabs one and leaves.
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Douglas E. Hughes Amazing 3rd Act
What I’ve learned: Like several of these later exercises, I’ve found that this issue has already been dealt with in the course of doing some of the earlier exercises. My ending hasn’t changed at all, and I’m very happy with it. It’s a satisfying button to the story with a nice little comic twist, and it bookends the opening scene perfectly. However, since elevating a few of the scenes just prior to the resolution, the ending now has an emotional resonance that it lacked before.
The basic storyline is this: Jack, a retired jewellery salesman, is the prototypical Self-Made Man. He made his living selling and buying jewellery, advertising the business with a series of cheesy late-night commercials in the 80’s. He’s living in “Transitions”, an upscale private retirement home, having been compelled to move there by his two kids who don’t believe he can live on his own any longer. Jack is no longer talking to his kids. He & his friends Blanche (his soon-to-be love interest), Gertie and Flora learn that their financial advisor, Robin Connor, has been arrested for running a Ponzi scheme, and they’ve all been bilked out of their life savings. They’re faced with the prospect of eviction at the end of the month, where they’ll be shipped off to “Departure Point”, the dreaded, government-run retirement facility. Connor collapses into a catatonic state at his arraignment, and is sent to hospital.
When he is unexpectedly delivered into the hands of Jack and his friends at Transitions, their first impulse is to kill him; but Jack learns that Connor has squirrelled away $10 million in diamonds, and strikes a deal with him–if he splits the loot with Jack and his friends, they’ll help him escape. The diamonds arrive and, just when they’re about to divide them up, Jack is forced to hide them from their nemesis, Nurse Harper, by hiding them in a bowl of pudding. Harper then inadvertently feeds them to Connor who, still faking his catatonic state, can do nothing to stop her. The inevitable attempt to retrieve them ensues.
Crisis: Connor learns that his court case has been thrown out. He’s a free man! The diamonds are recovered, and the gang are just about to divvy them up and send Connor on his merry way when the stones suddenly vanish. Jack goes off the deep end, hurling abuse at the others for the loss. Blanche walks out. Flora then collapses under the strain and is taken to hospital. Gertie helps Jack realize that, in his efforts to recoup what he’s lost, he’s only succeeded in alienating everyone around him–including his two kids, who have been trying desperately to reconcile with him. As the group searches for the missing diamonds, Jack sets about mending fences with both Blanche and his kids.
Climax: Connor finds the diamonds–Flora, who suffers from some serious short-term memory issues, has a website where she sells the costume jewelry she makes. She has inadvertently used the $10 million in stones to make a “faux” diamond necklace that’s now selling on the site for $750. Connor finds it, steals Jack’s wallet and passport, buys the necklace and has it shipped to Rio de Janeiro. He then absconds with a gleeful Nurse Harper and hops a plane to Brazil. Jack discovers the theft, and they all realize that Connor has screwed them again. Now, the move to Departure Point is all but assured.
Resolution: While Connor and Harper take the necklace to a jeweller’s shop in Rio, the friends sit with their luggage in the lobby at Transitions, waiting for the bus to Departure Point. Jack notices the necklace that Flora’s working on, a replica of the one that Connor has bought. He decides to take a closer look at it, and he discovers that it contains the real diamonds. Meanwhile, in Rio, Connor and Harper learn their mistake when the jeweller smashes one of the “diamonds” on their necklace with a jeweller’s hammer. Jack celebrates at a party at Transitions with his kids in attendance.
The final scene is a commercial shoot on the grounds of Transitions (reminiscent of Jack’s ads from the 80’s), where Jack and the women are shooting an ad to promote Flora’s now very successful online jewelry site.
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Douglas E. Hughes – Most Memorable Line
What I learned? Something I already knew, I guess–writing punchlines is hard.
A little setup on the following scene: Jack’s been on a dinner date with Blanche, and the two of them have returned home for a nightcap. Jack pops a couple of Viagra and, just as they’re about to get down to business, Blanche, who’s narcoleptic, falls asleep, and their nemesis–Connor, the man who’s bilked Jack and his friend out of their life savings, appears. Connor offers half of the $10 million in diamonds he’s squirrelled away to Jack and co. in exchange for securing his escape. Jack agrees, Connor disappears, and Blanche wakes up. At the end of this scene, we have the following exchange:
BLANCHE
Well, let’s talk about it in the morning. There’s nothing more we can do tonight.
JACK
Er… there is one pressing matter…
He looks down. She follows his gaze.
BLANCHE
Oh. Oh dear. Well, we’d better do something about that, hand’t we?
They run into their friend Flora in the hallway, with whom they have a brief exchange. As Flora leaves, Blanche gives Jack’s hand a tug and they head off to her room, giggling like a couple of teenagers.
It wasn’t a question of replacing a line here, but adding a couple of lines at the end to give it more of a button. So this is what I’ve come up with:
JACK
Now remember, if this doesn’t wear off in four hours, I’m going to need a doctor.
BLANCHE
If it doesn’t wear off in four hours, you’re going to need an undertaker.
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Doug Hughes likes separating dialogue!
What I learned: this is a very useful exercise for examining character, to be sure; however, like the last two exercises, I learned that there was little I could do to further this process. Again, as this screenplay has been adapted from a published play, the bulk of this kind of character work has already been done. I found a few spots where I could tweak the dialogue a bit to help delineate character, however. For example, the two central characters, Jack and Connor, are very similar types–two sides of the same coin, you might say–and as such, their voices have a lot in common. I did manage to find a few ways to separate them, though. Connor’s dialogue is sprinkled liberally with f-shots, for instance. Jack had a few of them as well, in moments of high drama, but I removed them all and left that territory to Connor. Another character, Gertie, has a couple of f-shots in her dialogue as well, but they’re totally in keeping with her character, which is very different from that of Connor’s. There were a few other places where I altered Connor’s speech as well, but really, the examples are too small to really get into.
As for the rest of the characters, I went through all the main ones, and couldn’t find anything of note worth changing. Again, there were some very minor nips and tucks here and there, but that’s about it.
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What I learned is that, from a transitions point of view, my script seems to be in pretty good shape. Like the last exercise, I discovered when I went through the script that I had already made changes to some of the transitions as part of previous exercises. A little over 20% of the transitions are something other than Flow, but I did manage to make some tiny tweaks to a few scenes as a result of this exercise. The following is fairly typical of the degree of change we’re talking about:
BEFORE
INT. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT – EVENING
Jack and Blanche sit at a candlelit table for two, dawdling over coffee and dessert. The bill is on the table beside Jack.
BLANCHE
So your kids had you declared incompetent?
JACK
It wasn’t that hard after I ended up in the hospital.
BLANCHE
You were hospitalized? What for?
JACK
It was just a stupid mistake. I forgot I’d taken my medication and double-dosed myself.
BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
INT. JACK’S KITCHEN – DAY
Jack lies collapsed on the floor. His HOUSEKEEPER comes in, carrying a load of laundry. She sees him, drops the laundry and reaches desperately for her phone.
AFTER
Jack and Blanche sit at a candlelit table for two, dawdling over coffee and dessert. The bill is on the table beside Jack.
BLANCHE
So your kids had you declared incompetent?
JACK
It wasn’t that hard after I ended up in the hospital.
BLANCHE
You were hospitalized? What for?
BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
INT. JACK’S KITCHEN – DAY
JACK (V.O.)
It was just a stupid mistake. I forgot I’d taken my medication and double-dosed myself.
Jack lies collapsed on the floor. His HOUSEKEEPER comes in carrying a load of laundry. She sees him, drops the laundry and reaches desperately for her phone.
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Douglas E. Hughes – Elevating Scene Structure
What I’ve learned? Well, that’s a difficult question to answer. I’ve really struggled with this exercise. Having gone through the script three times now, I’ve only been able to find a couple of places where I was able to make some structural tweaks, but they were so minor as to be hardly be worth posting. I should mention that I’ve made a number of structural changes along the way as a result of some of the earlier exercises, but at this point in the process, I’ve come up empty. I suppose this is one of those instances where an objective observer may be able to point out a few possibilities to me, but for the life of me, I can’t see them.
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Doug’s Elevated Story Beats
What I learned doing this assignment is similar to the last exercise–looking at the beats in this story helped to quickly identify areas in need of improvement.
The three beats that follow have a great deal in common. They all come near the climax of the story, they’re all reconciliations scenes, and they’re all new additions to the story that have arisen from its conversion from play to screenplay format. The problem with each is the same–Jack doesn’t have to work very hard to earn the forgiveness of the others; so I’ve decided to put a few more obstacles in his way. To wit:
“BEFORE” BEAT 23
INT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Jack and Gertie wait outside Flora’s room. He apologizes to her for losing their savings. She tells him that he needs to stop trying to do it all on his own. He needs to let them in. He agrees, and they resolve to find the diamonds.
“AFTER” BEAT 23
INT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Jack waits outside Flora’s room. Gertie comes out and he apologizes to her for losing his temper–and their savings. She tells him to stop trying to do it all on his own. He needs to let them in. He claims he doesn’t know how to do that. She tells him it’s simple. He just has to ask for some help. He struggles with the concept, then finally breaks down and asks Gertie what SHE thinks they should do. She congratulates him on this baby step, then tells him they need to find the diamonds.
“BEFORE” BEAT 25
INT – BLANCHE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack shows up, dishevelled and reeking of garbage. He apologizes and promises to do better. They make up.
“AFTER” BEAT 25
Jack, dishevelled and covered in garbage, is trapped inside a dumpster. Blanche, who’s walking nearby, comes over to investigate. He apologies. She confronts him about knowing about Connor and not telling them about it. He tries to justify his actions, says he was trying to solve the problem on his own. She tells him the same thing Gertie did. He concedes that the Universe is sending him that message loud and clear, promises to do better, then asks for her help–can she get him out of this damn thing?
“BEFORE” BEAT 28
EXT – BEN’S DRIVEWAY – DAY
Jack & Blanche visit Ben & Lisa. Jack reconciles with them. Hugs all around.
“AFTER” BEAT 28
Blanche takes a subdued Jack to visit Ben & Lisa. He tells his kids he forgives them for making him move into Transitions. Ben pushes back. They have nothing to apologize for, they was doing what was best, etc., but Jack cuts him off. He asks for their forgiveness, apologizes for the way he’s treated them. They’re momentarily stunned by this conversion, but soon it’s hugs all around.
1. EXT – COURTROOM – DAY
A reporter stands in front of a camera as Robin Connor, famous financial advisor, is taken into the station in handcuffs, charged with running a Ponzi scheme and stealing millions from his clients.
2. INT – TRANSITIONS RETIREMENT HOME – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jack watches clips of his jewelry business commercials from the 1980’s on YouTube. he learns from the news the Connor has wiped out his life savings, as well as those of his friends. His narcoleptic friend Blanche comes in and coaxes him to come and see their friend Wilf off. Wilf’s moving out, as he can no longer afford to live there.
3. INT – DEPARTURE POINT – NIGHT
Jack, Blanche and their friends Gertie and Flora say goodbye to Wilf, leaving him in this dreary government facility.
4. INT – TRANSITIONS COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The next morning, Jack walks into the common room and learns that the news about Connor is out. His friends realize that their life savings are gone.
5. EXT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Word has leaked out about where Connor has been taken. A riot breaks out. Connor, still catatonic, is spirited out of the hospital in a hearse.
6. INT – JACK’S ROOM – DAY
Jack wakes up to find himself face to face with a catatonic Connor, lying in the bed opposite him. He storms off to complain to management.
7. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack wheels a disguised Connor in and reveals his identity to his friends. They resolve to put him out of his misery with a drug overdose. After he’s taken away by their nemesis, Nurse Harper, they have a change of heart.
8. INT – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
A wide-awake Connor is at Jack’s computer, trying passwords. There’s a knock on the door. Shortly thereafter, Nurse Harper enters to find Connor back in his wheelchair, staring vacantly.
9. INT – RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Jack and Blanche are having dinner. He tells her about how his kids forced him to sell his home and move to Transitions.
10. INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Connor’s on the phone to his lawyer, begging him to get him out of this place. These old farts are going to kill him! Jack and Blanche come in and Connor hides.
11. INT – COMMON ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Blanche falls asleep and Connor is revealed. Jack strikes a deal with him–he and his friends will help Connor escape if he’ll cough of half of his $10 million diamond stash.
12. INT – DINING ROOM – DAY
Jack, Connor and the others are having breakfast. Gertie’s on her laptop, arranging the shipment of the diamonds as Connor provides the necessary passwords.
13. INT – MWAMBA’S OFFICE – DAY
Ben and Lisa learn from Dr. Mwamba, Transitions’ administrator, that Connor has cleaned Jack out and he’ll be forced to move to Departure Point at the end of the month if he can’t pay his rent.
14. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack, having learned that Connor’s lawyer Mortimer is planning to move Connor out of the facility, poses as Dr. Mwamba and tells Mortimer that Connor can’t be moved, as he’s suffering from a rare, deadly and highly contagious virus. Mortimer, a major germaphobe, is scared off.
15. INT – GYM – DAY
The diamonds have arrived. Jack, Connor & company check them out. They celebrate–they’re rich! Harper comes in and takes Connor back to Jack’s room for a nap.
16. INT – HALLWAY OUTSIDE JACK’S ROOM – DAY
A gloved hand opens Jack’s door. A second gloved hand points a gun into the darkened room. BANG!
17. INT – TRANSITIONS LOBBY – DAY
Lisa, very distraught after seeing what a hellhole Departure Point is, begs Blanche to convince Jack to talk to her. She promises to do so.
18. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Nurse Harper wheels Connor, very much alive, into the room. The shooter missed! She leaves. Flora reveals the gun in her purse. She’s the one who tried to kill him.
19. INT – GYM – LATER
Gertie inadvertently sets off Connor’s bracelet, bringing Harper back in as Jack and Connor are examining the stones. Jack hides them in Connor’s pudding. Blanche renders Harper unconscious, then passes out herself. The cops arrive and shut off Connor’s bracelet. Then Harper wakes up and goes off with Connor’s dinner tray.
20. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack, pushing Connor in his wheelchair, catches up to Harper and offers to feed him. She insists on doing it herself, and promptly feeds him the now very lumpy pudding.
21. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
The friends are stuffing Connor full of Choco-Lax. Harper comes in, checks Connor’s chart and sees that he hasn’t had a bowel movement since arriving. She shoots him full of fast-acting, heavy-duty laxative. Mortimer arrives to announce that the charges have been dropped. He removes Connor’s bracelet and leaves. Connor bolts for the door, but doubles over with severe cramps. Jack takes him into the bathroom. The stones are, uh, retrieved.
22. INT – COMMON ROOM – LATER
The group are just about to divvy up the diamonds when they discover that they’ve vanished. Jack’s kids walk in as he loses it, hurling abuse at all of them–Blanche included. She walks out. Flora is overcome by this display and drops to the floor, unconscious.
23. INT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Jack waits outside Flora’s room. Gertie comes out and he apologizes to her for losing his temper–and their savings. She tells him to stop trying to do it all on his own. He needs to let them in. He claims he doesn’t know how to do that. She tells him it’s simple. He just has to ask for some help. He struggles with the concept, then finally breaks down and asks Gertie what SHE thinks they should do. She congratulates him on this baby step, then tells him they need to find the diamonds.
24. MONTAGE – THE SEARCH FOR THE DIAMONDS
A) In the dining room, Jack paws through a resident’s pudding, looking for the diamonds.
B) Gertie and Flora go through their things in their room. Flora gets distracted by something shiny.
C) Blanche empties a huge bag of dirty laundry in the laundry room and goes through it.
D) Connor, in his undies, shakes out his pants in Jack’s room. The place has been ransacked.
E) Jack looks out the window and sees a couple of maintenance guys tossing garbage bags into a large container. He heads out in a hurry.
F) In the garbage area out back, Jack tries in vain to climb up into a dumpster. Mrs. Drake, the resident fitness freak, sees him, jogs over and hoists him inside.
25. INT – BLANCHE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack, dishevelled and covered in garbage, is trapped inside a dumpster. Blanche, who’s walking nearby, comes over to investigate. He apologies. She confronts him about knowing about Connor and not telling them about it. He tries to justify his actions, says he was trying to solve the problem on his own. She tells him the same thing Gertie did. He concedes that the Universe is sending him that message loud and clear, promises to do better, then asks for her help–can she get him out of this damn thing?
26. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Gertie and Flora are chocking up sales on Flora’s jewelry website. Connor spots a “paste” diamond necklace for sale and realizes what’s happened to the stones. He leaps out of his wheelchair and takes off.
27. INT – JACK’S ROOM – DAY
Harper walks in on Connor, who’s busy buying Flora’s diamond necklace with Jack’s credit card. The delivery address is in Rio. Harper begs him to take her with him, and he agrees.
28. EXT – BEN’S DRIVEWAY – DAY
Blanche takes a subdued Jack to visit Ben & Lisa. He tells his kids he forgives them for making him move into Transitions. Ben pushes back. They have nothing to apologize for, they was doing what was best, etc., but Jack cuts him off. He asks for <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>their forgiveness, apologizes for the way he’s treated them. They’re momentarily stunned by this conversion, but soon it’s hugs all around.
29. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack rushes in, tells the others that his room’s been ransacked and Connor has stolen his wallet and passport. They realize he’s ripped them off again.
30. INTO – RIO JEWELLER’S – DAY
A jeweller examines Connor’s necklace as he and Harper wait breathlessly.
31. INT – LOBBY – DAY
Jack and company wait for the bus to Departure Point. Just as it pulls in, Jack notices the new necklace Flora is working on. He examines it–he’s found the diamonds! They all celebrate.
32. INT – RIO JEWELLER’S – DAY
The jeweller shakes his head. Connor grabs him by the collar. The jeweller frees himself, picks up a small hammer and smashes one of the stones into powder. Harper faints as the jeweller picks up the phone.
33. INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The gang is hosting a “Welcome Home Wilf” party. Wilf asks Jack what he’s going to do with all his money. Jack assures that he’s got it all worked out.
34. EXT. – TRANSITIONS GROUNDS – DAY
Jack and the ladies are filming a commercial for Flora’s website, an echo of Jack’s cheesy TV ads from the 80’s.
FIN
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Doug’s Scene Ratings
What I learned: As I mentioned before, this particular screenplay was adapted from the play version, and as such, went through many changes; however, those parts where the script changed most are a number of drafts behind the elements that came from the play, and this exercise made the sections that need work very clear.
Beat 34
EXT – TRANSITIONS GROUNDS – DAY
Jack and the ladies are filming a commercial for Flora’s jewelry website, and echo of Jack’s cheesy TV ads from the 1980’s. (E6)
Beat 33
INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The gang is hosting a “Welcome Home Wilf” party. Wilf asks Jack what they’re going to do with all that money. Jack assures him they’ve got it all worked out. (E6)
Beat 32
INT – RIO JEWELLER’S – DAY
Connor and Harper discover that their necklace is fake. (E7)
Beat 31
INT – TRANSITIONS LOBBY – DAY
Jack & co. wait for the bus that’s taking them to Departure Point. Jack gets a text from his son–a set of blueprints for the apartment Ben is building for him. As the bus to Departure Point arrives, Jack notices the new necklace Flora is working on. It’s made from the real diamonds! They all celebrate. (E10)
Beat 30
INT – RIO JEWELLER’S – DAY
A jeweller examines Connor’s necklace as he and Harper wait breathlessly. (E7)
Beat 29
INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack rushes in, tells the others that his room’s been ransacked and Connor has stolen his wallet and passport. They realize he’s ripped them off again. (E9)
Beat 28
EXT – BEN’S DRIVEWAY – DAY
Blanche takes Jack to see Ben & Lisa. The reconcile. Hugs all around. (E5)
Beat 27
INT – JACK’S ROOM – DAY
Harper walks in on Connor, who’s busy buying Flora’s diamond necklace online with Jack’s credit card. The delivery address is in Rio. Harper begs him to take her along, and she agrees. (E8)
Beat 26
INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Gertie & Flora are chalking up sales on Flora’s jewelry website. Connor spots a “paste” diamond necklace for sale and realizes what’s happened to the stones. He leaps out of his wheelchair and takes off. (E8)
Beat 25
INT – BLANCHE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack shows up, dishevelled and reeking of garbage. He apologizes and promises to do better. They make up (E6)
Beat 24
MONTAGE – THE SEARCH FOR THE DIAMONDS
A) In the dining room, Jack paws through a resident’s pudding , looking for diamonds.
B) Gertie and Flora go through their things in their room. Flora gets distracted by something shiny and Gertie gets her to refocus.
C) Blanche empties a huge bag of laundry in the laundry room and goes through it.
D) Connor, in his undies, is shaking out his pants in Jack’s room. The place has been ransacked.
E) Jack looks out the window and sees a couple of maintenance guys tossing garbage bags into a large container. He heads out in a hurry.
F) In the garbage ares, Jack tries in vain to climb up into a dumpster. Mrs. Drake, the resident fitness freak, sees him and helps to hoist him inside. (E7)
Beat 23
INT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Jack apologizes to Gertie for losing their savings. She tells him that he needs to stop trying to do it all on his own–he needs to let the rest of them in. He agrees, and they resolve to find the diamonds. (E6)
Beat 22
INT – COMMON ROOM – LATER
The group are just about to divvy up the diamonds when they discover they’ve vanished. Jack’s kids walk in as he loses it, hurling about at all of them–Blanche included. She walks out. Flora, overcome by all of this, drops to the floor, unconscious. (E9)
Beat 21
INT – COMMON ROOM – LATER
Mortimer arrives to announce that the charges against Connor have been dropped. He removes Connor’s security bracelet and leaves. Connor bolts for the door, but immediately doubles over with severe cramps. Jack takes him into the bathroom. The stones are retrieved. (E9)
Beat 20
INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack, pushing Connor in his wheelchair, catches up to Harper and offers to feed Connor. She insists on doing it herself, and promptly feeds him the pudding. (E9)
Beat 19
INT – GYM – LATER
Gertie inadvertently sets off Connor’s bracelet, which brings Harper back in as Jack and Connor are examining the stones. Jack hides them in Connor’s pudding. Blanche renders Harper unconscious, then passes out herself. The cops arrive to check out the alarm, and shut it off. Harper wakes up and goes off with Connor’s dinner tray–with the pudding on it. (E9)
Beat 18
INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Nurse Harper wheels in Connor, very much alive, into the room. The shooter missed. She leaves. Flora reveals the gun in her purse. She’s the one who tried to kill him. (E8)
Beat 17
INT – TRANSITIONS LOBBY – DAY
Lisa, very distraught after seeing what a hellhole Departure Point is, begs Blanche to convince Jack to talk to her. (E6)
Beat 16
INT – HALLWAY OUTSIDE JACK’S ROOM – DAY
A gloved hand opens Jack’s door. A second gloved hand points a gun into the darkened room. BANG! (E10)
Beat 15
INT – GYM – DAY
The diamonds have arrived, and Jack, Connor & co. check them out. They celebrate – they’re rich. Harper comes in and takes Connor back to Jack’s room for a nap. (E7)
Beat 14
INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack, having learned that Connor’s lawyer Mortimer is planning to move Connor to another facility, poses as Dr. Mwamba and tells Mortimer that Connor can’t be moved as he’s suffering from a rare, deadly and highly contagious virus. Mortimer, a major germaphobe, is scared off. (E9)
Beat 13
INT – MWAMBA’S OFFICE – DAY
Ben and Lisa learn from Dr. Mwamba, Transitions’ administrator, that Connor has cleaned Jack out and he’ll be forced to move to Departure Point at the end of the month if he can’t pay his rent. (E6)
Beat 12
INT – DINING ROOM – DAY
Jack, Connor and the others are having breakfast. Gertie’s on her laptop, arranging the shipment of the diamonds as Connor provides the necessary passwords. (E7)
Beat 11
INT – COMMON ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Blanche falls asleep and Connor is revealed. Jack strikes a deal with him: he and his friends will help Connor escape if he’ll cough up half of his $10 million diamond stash. (E9)
Beat 10
INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Connor’s on the phone to his lawyer, begging him to get him out of this place. These old farts are going to kill him! Jack and Blanche come in and Connor hides. (E9)
Beat 9
INT – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
A wide-awake Connor is at Jack’s computer, trying passwords. There’s a knock on the door, shortly after which Nurse Harper enters to find Connor back in his wheelchair, staring vacantly. (E8)
Beat 8
INT – RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Jack and Blanche are having dinner. He tells her about how his kids forced him to see his home and move into Transitions. (E5)
Beat 7
Jack wheels a disguised Connor in and reveals his identity to his friends. They resolve to put Connor out of his misery with a drug overdose. After he’s taken away by their nemesis, Nurse Harper, they have a change of heart. (E8)
Beat 6
INT – JACKS’ ROOM – DAY
Jack wakes up to find himself face to face with a catatonic Connor, lying in the bed opposite him. He storms off to complain to management. (E7)
Beat 5
EXT/INT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Word has leaked out about where Connor has been taken. A riot breaks out. Connor, still catatonic, is spirited out of the hospital in a hearse. (E8)
Beat 4
INT – TRANSITIONS COMMON ROOM – DAY
The next morning, Jack walks into the common room and learns that the news about Connor is out. His friends realize that their life savings are gone. (E9)
Beat 3
INT – DEPARTURE POINT – NIGHT
Jack, Blanche and their friends Gertie and Flora say goodbye to Wilf, leaving him in this dreary government facility.
Beat 2
INT – TRANSITIONS RETIREMENT HOME – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jack watches clips of his jewelry business commercials from the 1980’s on YouTube. He puts on the news and learns that Connor has wiped out his life savings, as well as those of his friends. His narcoleptic friend Blanche comes in and coaxes him to come and see their friend Wilf off. Wilf’s moving out, as he can no longer afford to live there. (E9)
Beat 1
EXT – POLICE STATION – DAY
A reporter stands in front of a camera as Robin Connor, famous financial advisor, is taken into the station in handcuffs, charged with running a Ponzi scheme and stealing millions from his clients. (E5)
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Douglas E. Hughes – Character Intros
What I learned from this assignment is that a) my descriptions of these characters when they first appear needs a lot of work, and b) it’s actually one of my support characters, Blanche, whose introduction needs the most attention.
Jack Newman’s (lead, protagonist) Beats:
Jack, in his room at the retirement home “Transitions”, watches one of his old TV commercials from the 80’s on YouTube.
Jack’s phone rings. It’s his daughter Lisa. He declines the call.
Blanche comes in to prod Jack to come and say goodbye to their friend Wilf. He declines, then relents and joins her.
Robin Connor’s (antagonist) Beats
On the news, Connor’s hustled into a police station in handcuffs.
Connor collapses at his arraignment the next day and is rushed to hospital.
Connor’s in bed, catatonic, as a riot rages outside the hospital and the authorities decide what to do with him.
Connor’s stuck in the back of a hearse on a gurney and shipped to “Transitions.”
Jack wakes up to find Connor lying in the bed opposite his, staring at him vacantly.
Jack introduces Connor to his friends, who immediately set about plotting his murder.
Connor, wide awake and apparently healthy, tries logging onto Jack’s computer. He’s by a knock on the door. He puts on his catatonia act as Nurse Harper comes into the room.
Connor sneaks into the common room and calls his lawyer, Mortimer. He pleads to be moved out of this place before these old farts kill him.
Jack’s intro as it stands is really #3. I decided to try giving him a kick in the pants by opting for #1 instead. To wit:
INT. JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
INSERT – THE SCREEN OF A LAPTOP shows an image of a cheesy, 80’s-era huckster in his 40’s, bedecked in a diamond-studded tux with diamond rings on every finger, sits at a poker table. Stacks of money surround him and he is flanked by three scantily-clad cocktail waitresses.
JACK
Come on down to Diamond Jack Newman’s, where every hand’s a winner. I’ll buy your diamond rings, your earrings, your pendants, your necklaces — (holds up bundles of cash) — and I’ll pay you in cold, hard cash.
The waitresses execute a few steps of shaky choreography.
WAITRESSES
Oooh!
JACK
Don’t delay! Come down today! I’m the Jack of Diamonds and —
He holds up a poker hand: a royal flush in diamonds.
BACK TO SCENE
Present-day Jack, a charismatic, feisty old due in his late 70’s, watches the commercial on his laptop. He’s the quintessential self-made man, a genuine rags-to-riches story. He joins in with his younger self for the tagline:
JACK/YOUNG JACK
Have I got a deal for you!
Jack sighs and takes a large slug of whiskey. He checks his phone.
INSERT – PHONE SCREEN
Several calls to a ROBIN CONNOR are visible. Jack is about to dial the number again when his phone DINGS.
JACK
Finally!
He looks at his phone expectantly. His face falls as he sees it’s a message from LISA. It reads, “Dad, PLEASE call me already!”
JACK (CONT’D)
Oh for the love of Christ, leave me alone!
He deletes the text and taps on his phone. It RINGS as the name CONNOR shows on the screen.
COMPUTER VOICE
We’re sorry, this number is no longer in service. Please check the number —
He hangs up.
JACK
What? Goddamnit, what the hell is going on?
His computer DINGS. There’s a news alert. Jack clicks on it.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN – POLICE STATION – NIGHT
A reporter stands in front of the station, microphone in hand, as a police vehicle pulls up beside her. ROBIN CONNOR, a well-dressed businessman who appears to be in his late 50’s is led out of the vehicle in handcuffs and towards the station by two POLICEMEN. Various REPORTERS try to get Connor to comment as a few other POLICEMEN keep them at bay.
REPORTER
In a stunning development, investment guru Robin Connor has been arrested for running a massive Ponzi scheme. Connor, whose investors included major charities, brokerage firms and pension funds, is accused of bilking his clients — many of them senior citizens — out of hundreds of millions of dollars, and could potentially end up spending the rest of his life in prison.
Over the reporter’s shoulder, the other reporters follow Connor and his escort toward the stations, hurling questions at him.
BACK TO SCENE
Jack stares slack-jawed at the computer screen.
JACK
Holy fucking shit.
He taps on his computer keyboard.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
Jack’s email account, showing five emails addressed to Robin Connor that have been marked “undeliverable.”
Alarmed, Jack opens his online investment account.
BACK TO SCENE
JACK
Holy fucking shit! Where did all my money go?
There is a KNOCK at the door.
JACK (CONT’D)
Yeah?
BLANCHE pokes her head in. She’s a beauty in her late 60’s who looks considerably younger than her age. Jack quickly closes the laptop.
BLANCHE
What are you doing, Jack? Everyone’s waiting.
JACK
Uh, I’m not going.
BLANCHE
You’re not going? Oh come on, you’ve got to say goodbye.
JACK
I said goodby already. Twice.
BLANCHE
But he’s your friend.
Jack sits, stone-faced.
BLANCHE
Oh, you’re impossible. Fine, have it your way.
She leaves. Jack takes another slug of whiskey, hauls himself up, opens the door and yells down the hallway.
JACK
Alright, alright, Blanche. I’m coming, OK?
He picks up his jacket, hesitates, then opens a drawer packed with bottles of single malt. He grabs one and leaves.
In the original version of the script, Jack doesn’t learn about Connor’s having swindled him and his friends out of their life savings until the following morning. But I thought it would make his journey (not to mention his character) a little more complicated if he learned about the theft before the others and chose not to say anything to them immediately. It also reinforces his reluctance to join Blanche and the others when they go off to say goodbye to their friend Wilf.
As for Connor, the beats as described above cover a good deal more than his introductory scene; but as he’s pretending to be catatonic until almost the end of the first act, it’s not until we get to see him break out of that state that we begin to see who he really is.
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Douglas E. Hughes – Elevate Your Characters
What I learned from this assignment is a) that shortcomings in a character’s story can reveal themselves early on in this process, and b) even a small change in one character’s story can add depth and complexity to the screenplay without necessarily altering the overall story.
CHARACTER PROFILES
JACK NEWMAN (LEAD, PROTAGONIST)
Core Traits: Feisty, self-reliant, a real wise-ass, likeable nevertheless.
Subtext Logline: Jack is a successful retiree who resents his kid for having forced him to move into an old folks’ home.
His mission: To recover his life savings, along with those of his friends
Character arc: Goes from being a rugged individualist to a team player
Beginning, middle and end: Jack gets swindled out of his life savings, makes a deal with the devil, as it were, and gets it back and more.
BLANCHE HAMBLETT (SUPPORT – Jack’s soon-to-be love interest)
Core Traits: Empathetic, emotionally intelligent, genuinely concerned about others, suffers from narcolepsy.
Subtext Logline: Blanche, an attractive widow who seems a bit young to be living in a retirement home, has a serious thing for Jack.
Her mission: To start a relationship with him.
Character arc: Overcomes her fear of confrontation to help Jack resolve his issues and win his heart
Beginning, middle and end: Blanche yearns for Jack, gets him to reconcile with his kids and fall in love with her.
GERTIE THOMAS (SUPPORT – one of Jack’s friends)
Core Traits: Razor-sharp, outspoken, talks like a millennial, not to be messed with.
Subtext Logline: Gertie is a wise-cracking computer whiz who, despite the walker, still thinks she’s eighteen.
Her mission: to get her savings back
Flaw: She’s a little too outspoken. Unlike Blanche, she’s all about confrontation.
Character arc: Blanche in reverse–when things are at their worst, instead of confrontation, she chooses kindness.
Beginning, middle and end: Gertie does what she can to help recover the group’s lost savings, but when all appears to be lost for the friends, she convinces Jack to mend fences with all of them.
FLORA FORBES (SUPPORT – married to Gertie)
Core Traits: Mild-mannered, artistically gifted, grandmotherly, has some serious memory issues
Subtext Logline: Flora’s your typical sweet old lady, but she has an unfortunate habit of speaking with her inside voice.
Her mission: to kill Connor
Flaw: It’s not her fault, but her memory issues make like difficult for both her and her friends.
Character arc: Seemingly the most helpless of the group, she ultimately proves to be the group’s Deus Ex Machina.
Beginning, middle and end: Although her efforts to solve the problem of Robin Connor frequently threaten to jeopardize the whole group, Flora’s the one who inadvertently saves the day.
ROBIN CONNOR (SUPPORT – ANTAGONIST)
Core Traits: Smart, impatient, narcissistic, sociopath
Subtext Logline: Connor is a smooth-talking conman who has swindled these four–and many others–out of their life savings.
His mission: to escape with his nest egg intact
Life Metaphor/Identity: Donald Trump with brains
Character Arc: Like most crooks, Connor’s impervious to change–which brings about his downfall.
Beginning, middle and end: After being arrested for fraud and finding himself trapped in an old folks’ home, Connor ultimately escapes–only to discover that he’s broke.
CHARACTER BEATS
JACK
ACT ONE
Jack’s discovered watching one of his old jewelry business commercials on YouTube in his room at Transitions, a retirement home.
Along with his friends, sees off his pal Wilf, who’s being moved to Departure Point, a dreary government-run old folks’ home.
He discovers that Robin Connor, his financial advisor, has swindled him and his friends out of their life savings.
He unexpectedly gets stuck with Connor as a roommate.
Plots with his friends to kill the catatonic Connor.
Jack takes Blanche out to dinner, tells her how he ended up living in Transitions.
Discovers that Connor’s faking his catatonia, strikes a deal with him to get their money back.
Jack and Blanche have sex.
ACT TWO
Jack and his friends arrange to get Connor’s diamond stash delivered to Jack.
The diamonds arrive. Jack & co. go off to divvy them up, but Jack’s nemesis Nurse Harper come in and takes Connor away for his nap.
Jack hears a gunshot, finds out Connor’s apparently been murdered.
Jack & co. discover that Connor’s unhurt, and Flora was the shooter(!).
Hides the diamonds from Nurse Harper in a bowl of pudding, which she promptly feeds to Connor.
Jack & Connor retrieve the stones, which soon vanish.
Jack has a meltdown, causing Flora to collapse and be taken to hospital.
ACT THREE
Jack apologizes to Gertie, who gives him some life advice.
Jack & co. initiate a frantic search for the diamonds.
Apologizes to Blanche for his behaviour. She takes him to see his estranged kids.
Discovers that Connor’s escaped with the stones, along with Jack’s wallet and passport.
Just as they’re all about to be evicted, Jack finds the real diamonds in a piece of jewelry that Flora’s working on. They’re rich!
Jack and the ladies film a commercial for Flora’s jewelry website.
CONNOR
ACT ONE
Connor, famous financial wizard is arrested for running a Ponzi scheme on his clients.
He collapses at his arraignment and is rushed to hospital, feigning catatonia.
When a riot breaks out outside the hospital, Connor’s spirited away to Transitions.
He learns that Jack and his friends are planning to kill him.
Strikes a deal with Jack–$5 million in diamonds in if they help Connor escape.
ACT TWO
Connor keeps up the catatonia act when his lawyer shows up to transfer him to another facility.
Connor & the others go to the gym to divvy up the diamonds when they’re interrupted by Nurse Harper.
Someone takes a potshot at him while he’s napping.
Harper wheels Connor into the common room, untouched.
Jack hides the diamonds in a bowl of pudding that Harper then feeds to Connor.
Connor’s lawyer arrives to announce that the charges against him have been dropped.
Jack and Connor get the diamonds back.
Just as he and Jack are about to divide them up, the diamonds vanish.
ACT THREE
Connor joins the search for the stones.
He finds them on a necklace on Flora’s jewelry website and buys them (with Jack’s credit card).
He convinces Nurse Harper to run off to Rio with him.
They take the necklace to a jeweller there, only to discover that the stones are fake.
BLANCHE
ACT ONE
Urges Jack to come and say goodbye to their friend Wilf, who’s been evicted.
Finds out she’s broke, tries to get her kids to take her in.
When Connor’s presence is revealed, she talks the others out of killing him.
Goes on a date with Jack, finds out that his kids forced him to sell his home and move to Transitions.
They have sex.
ACT TWO
Overhears Jack’s kids talking about his move to Departure Point, the dump that Wilf has been moved into.
Promises Jack’s kids that she’ll get him to talk to them.
Tries to broach the subject with Jack, but he shuts her down.
Discovers that Connor’s eaten the diamonds and helps with the retrieval effort.
When the stones disappear and Jack hurls abuse at her for messing with his business, she storms out.
ACT THREE
Jack apologizes to Blanche. She softens.
With Blanche’s help, Jack makes up with his kids.
Blanche joins Gertie & Flora, performing in Jack’s new commercial.
GERTIE
ACT ONE
Goes with the other to see Wilf off at Departure Point.
Like the others, learns that Connor has swindled them out of their savings.
Sets up a website for Flora where she can sell her hand-made jewelry.
When Connor’s revealed, she suggests that they kill him.
ACT TWO
With Connor’s help, she arranges to have the $5 million in diamonds delivered to Jack.
In an attempt to remove Connor’s security anklet, she inadvertently sets it off.
ACT THREE
After Jack’s meltdown results in Flora being hospitalized, Gertie gives him some life advice.
Joins the search for the missing stones.
Takes part in Jack’s new TV commercial.
FLORA
ACT ONE
Joins the others for Wilf’s sendoff.
Learns that, like her friends, she’s broke.
Tries to convince Jack to start up with Blanche.
Offers to blow Connor away with her .38. The others think she’s imagining things.
Runs into Jack & Blanche as they’re about to have sex. They remind Flora that they’re not planning to kill Connor anymore.
ACT TWO
Someone tries to murder Connor in his bed.
When Connor’s brought into the common room unhurt, Flora remembers that she’s the one who tried to kill him and pulls out her .38.
When the diamonds disappear and Jack has his meltdown, Flora passes out and is hospitalized.
ACT THREE
Flora joins the search for the diamonds, but isn’t much help.
Shows off her latest piece to Connor on her website–a “faux” diamond necklace. Connor recognizes the stones.
As they wait for the bus to Departure Point, Jack discovers the diamonds in Flora’s hands. She’s saved them all!
Flora joins the others in Jack’s commercial.
Early on in the character breakdown process, I realized that Blanche’s character seemed a little thin. I had more trouble putting her profile together than the others, and soon identified the problem–I needed to raise the stakes for her. Despite her distaste for confrontation, I needed to find a way to make her more assertive. There were hints in the story that she was basically the group’s moral compass, but they weren’t strong enough. This change didn’t have any effect on the overall story, but will come in handy when I get to working on dialogue, as I plan to have her take the lead in shooting down the “let’s murder Connor” idea, and have her give Jack more pushback when he freaks out at her for meddling with his kids when the diamonds vanish. This also means that Jack’s going to have to work harder at winning her back, which is all to the good.
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Jack of Diamonds – Douglas E. Hughes
Logline: A group of savvy seniors in a retirement home is forced to team up with the very conman who has swindled them out of their life savings in order to save themselves from eviction.
What I learned from this exercise is that can be a challenge to differentiate between core character traits and mere biographical details. (Sorry for not including the changes–I got so caught up in making them that I forgot to list them, and couldn’t remember them all afterward.)
1. Character Name: Jack (lead)
Role: Retired jewelry salesman
Core Character Traits: Feisty, Likeable, Self-reliant, Wise-ass
Character Subtext Logline: Jack is a successful retiree who resents his kids for having forced him to move into this old folks’ home.
Life Metaphor/Identity: The archetypal self-made man
Mission: To recover his life savings, and those of his friends
Character Arc: Goes from being an avowed individualist to a team player.
2. Character Name: Blanche Hamblett (support)
Role: Jack’s soon-to-be love interest
Core Character Traits: Emotionally intelligent, empathetic, concerned for others, suffers from narcolepsy
Character Subtext Logline: An attractive widow who seems a bit young for this place, Blanche has a serious thing for Jack.
Life Metaphor/Identity: If there were a Nobel Relationship Prize, Blanche would win it.
Mission: To win Jack’s heart
Secret: She’s a closet UFC fan.
Character Arc: Blanche overcomes her fear of confrontation to help Jack resolve his issues.
3. Character Name: Gertie Thomas (support)
Role: One of Jack’s friends, married to Flora
Core Character Traits: Razor-sharp, outspoken, talks like a millennial, not to be messed with.
Character Subtext Logline: Gertie’s a wise-cracking computer whiz who, despite the walker, still thinks she’s eighteen.
Life Metaphor/Identity: Peter Pan with a whole lot of attitude
Want: To make Connor pay for what he’s done
Character Arc: Blanche in reverse–when things are at their worst, instead of confrontation, she chooses kindness.
4. Character Name: Flora Forbes (support)
Role: Another of Jack’s friends, married to Gertie
Core Character Traits: Mild-mannered, artistically gifted, grandmotherly type, has serious memory issues
Character Subtext Logline: Flora’s your typical sweet old lady, but she has an unfortunate habit of speaking with her inside voice.
Life Metaphor/Identity: She’s one of the old ladies from “Arsenic and Old Lace.”
Mission: To keep her home
Flaw: Not her fault, but her memory issues make life difficult for her and those around her.
Secret: Not really a secret, but nobody believes it: she carries a .38 in her purse.
Character Arc: Seemingly the most helpless of the group, she’s the one who ultimately saves the day.
5. Character Name: Robin Connor (support)
Role: The thief who stole their money
Core Character Traits: Smart, impatient, narcissistic, sociopath
Character Subtext Logline: Robin Connor is the smooth-talking conman who has swindled these four–and many others–out of their life savings.
Life Metaphor/Identity: Think Donald Trump with brains
Secret: He’s a sucker for a pretty face.
Mission: To escape with his nest egg intact
Flaw: Like most crooks, he assumes that everyone’s as crooked as he is.
Character Arc: Also like most crooks, Connor’s impervious to change–which brings about his downfall.
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Douglas E. Hughes – Story Beats
LOGLINE – Jack of Diamonds – Comedy
A group of savvy seniors in a retirement home is forced to team up with the very conman who has swindled them out of their life savings in order to save themselves from eviction.
1. EXT – COURTROOM – DAY
Robin Connor, famous financial advisor, is taken into court in handcuffs, charged with running a Ponzi scheme and stealing millions from his clients. He collapses during his arraignment.
2. INT – TRANSITIONS RETIREMENT HOME – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jack watches clips of his jewelry business commercials from the 1980’s on YouTube. His narcoleptic friend Blanche comes in and coaxes him to come and see their friend Wilf off. He’s moving out, as he can no longer afford to live there.
3. INT – DEPARTURE POINT – NIGHT
Jack, Blanche and their friends Gertie and Flora say goodbye to Wilf, leaving him in this dreary government facility.
4. INT – TRANSITIONS COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
As Jack and his friends toast Wilf, they see a news story about their financial advisor having been arrested and sent to hospital in a catatonic state. They realize that their life savings are gone.
5. EXT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Word has leaked out about where Connor has been taken. A riot breaks out. Connor, still catatonic, is spirited out of the hospital in a hearse.
6. INT – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
Jack’s on his laptop, Googling get-rich-quick schemes. He sees a hearse arrive and assumes another resident has passed away.
7. INT – JACK’S ROOM – DAY
Jack wakes up to find himself face to face with a catatonic Connor, lying in the bed opposite him. He storms off to complain to management.
8. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack wheels a disguised Connor in and reveals his identity to his friends. They resolve to put him out of his misery with a drug overdose. After he’s taken away by their nemesis, Nurse Harper, they have a change of heart.
9. EXT – TRANSITIONS GROUNDS – DAY
Jack and Blanche are out for a walk. He gets a call from his daughter, which he declines. He explains that they’re not on speaking terms. He asks Blanche out on a date.
10. INT RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Jack and Blanche are having dinner. He tells her about how his kids forced him to sell his home and move to Transitions.
11. INT – JACK’S ROOM – NIGHT
A wide-awake Connor is at Jack’s computer, trying passwords. There’s a knock on the door. Shortly thereafter, Nurse Harper enters to find Connor back in his wheelchair, staring vacantly.
12. INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Connor’s on the phone to his lawyer, begging him to get him out of this place. These old farts are going to kill him! Jack and Blanche come in and Connor hides.
13. INT – COMMON ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Blanche falls asleep and Connor is revealed. Jack strikes a deal with him–he and his friends will help Connor escape if he’ll cough of half of his $10 million diamond stash.
END OF ACT ONE
14. INT – DINING ROOM – DAY
Jack, Connor and the others are having breakfast. Gertie’s on her laptop, arranging the shipment of the diamonds as Connor provides the necessary passwords.
15. INT – MWAMBA’S OFFICE – DAY
Ben and Lisa learn from Dr. Mwamba, Transitions’ administrator, that Connor has cleaned Jack out and he’ll be forced to move to Departure Point at the end of the month if he can’t pay his rent.
16. INT – JACK’S ROOM – DAY
Mortimer, Connor’s lawyer, demands that his client be moved to another facility. Nurse Harper instructs him to wait for Dr. Mwamba in the common room. Jack, who’s in the bathroom, overhears this.
17. INT – TRANSITIONS LOBBY – DAY
Ben and Lisa, still unable to get Jack to answer the damn phone, decide to visit Departure Point.
18. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Jack, posing as Dr. Mwamba, tells Mortimer that Connor can’t be moved, as he’s suffering from a rare, deadly and highly contagious virus. Mortimer, a major germaphobe, is scared off.
19. INT – GYM – DAY
The diamonds have arrived. Jack, Connor & company check them out. They celebrate–they’re rich! Harper comes in and takes Connor back to Jack’s room for a nap.
20. INT – HALLWAY OUTSIDE JACK’S ROOM – DAY
A gloved hand opens Jack’s door. A second gloved hand points a gun into the darkened room. BANG!
21. EXT – TRANSITIONS – DAY
A detective interviews Flora about the shooting. He writes “Dementia?” in his notebook.
22. INT – TRANSITIONS LOBBY – DAY
Lisa, very distraught after seeing what a hellhole Departure Point is, begs Blanche to convince Jack to talk to her.
23. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Nurse Harper wheels Connor, very much alive, into the room. The shooter missed! She leaves. Flora reveals the gun in her purse. She’s the one who tried to kill him.
24. INT – GYM – EVENING
Connor, now in possession of Flora’s gun, demands that they get his bracelet off and give him his share of the stones. Harper comes in with Connor’s dinner. Jack offers to feed him and she leaves.
25. INT – GYM – LATER
Gertie sets off Connor’s bracelet, bringing Harper back in as Jack and Connor are examining the stones. Jack hides them in Connor’s pudding. Blanche renders Harper unconscious, then passes out herself. The cops arrive and shut off Connor’s bracelet. Then Harper wakes up and goes off with Connor’s dinner tray.
26. INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
Jack, pushing Connor in his wheelchair, catches up to Harper and offers to feed him. She insists on doing it herself, and promptly feeds him the now very lumpy pudding.
27. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
The friends are stuffing Connor full of Choco-Lax. Harper comes in, checks Connor’s chart and sees that he hasn’t had a bowel movement since arriving. She shoots him full of fast-acting, heavy-duty laxative.
28. INT – COMMON ROOM – LATER
Mortimer arrives to announce that the charges have been dropped. He removes Connor’s bracelet and leaves. Connor bolts for the door, but doubles over with severe cramps. Jack takes him into the bathroom. The stones are, uh, retrieved.
29. INT – LISA’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lisa and Ben, having been assured by Blanche that Jack will talk to them, head for Transitions.
30. INT – COMMON ROOM – LATER
The group are just about to divvy up the diamonds when they discover that they’ve vanished. Jack’s kids walk in as he has a meltdown, hurling abuse at all of them. Flora is overcome by this display and drops to the floor, unconscious.
END OF ACT TWO
31. INT – HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Jack apologizes to Gertie for losing their savings. She tells him that he needs to stop trying to do it all on his own. He needs to let the rest of them in. He concedes that she’s right, and they resolve to find the diamonds.
32. MONTAGE – THE SEARCH FOR THE DIAMONDS
A) In the dining room, Jack paws through a resident’s pudding, looking for the diamonds.
B) Gertie and Flora go through their things in their room. Flora gets distracted by something shiny.
C) Blanche empties a huge bag of dirty laundry in the laundry room and goes through it.
D) Connor, in his undies, shakes out his pants in Jack’s room. The place has been ransacked.
E) Jack looks out the window and sees a couple of maintenance guys tossing garbage bags into a large container. He heads out in a hurry.
F) In the garbage area out back, Jack tries in vain to climb up into a dumpster. Mrs. Drake, the resident fitness freak, sees him, jogs over and hoists him inside.
33. INT – BLANCHE’S ROOM – DAY
Jack shows up, dishevelled and reeking of garbage. No sign of the diamonds. He apologizes and promises to do better. They make up.
34. INT – COMMON ROOM – DAY
Gertie and Flora are chocking up sales on Flora’s jewelry website. Connor spots a “paste” diamond necklace for sale and realizes what’s happened to the stones. He leaps out of his wheelchair and takes off.
35. INT – JACK’S ROOM – DAY
Harper walks in on Connor, who’s busy buying Flora’s diamond necklace with Jack’s credit card. The delivery address is in Rio. Harper begs him to take her with him, and he agrees.
36. EXT – BEN’S DRIVEWAY – DAY
Jack and Blanche arrive in a taxi as Ben & Lisa stand waiting. He forgives them for moving him into Transitions and apologizes for his behaviour. Hugs all around.
37. INTO – RIO JEWELLER’S – DAY
A jeweller examines Connor’s necklace as he and Harper wait breathlessly.
38. INT – LOBBY – DAY
Jack and company wait for the bus to Departure Point. Just as it pulls in, Jack notices the new necklace Flora is working on. He examines it–he’s found the diamonds! They all celebrate.
39. INT – RIO JEWELLER’S – DAY
The jeweller shakes his head. Connor grabs him by the collar. The jeweller frees himself, picks up a small hammer and smashes one of the stones into powder. Harper faints as the jeweller picks up the phone.
40. INT – COMMON ROOM – NIGHT
The gang is hosting a “Welcome Home Wilf” party. Wilf asks Jack what he’s going to do with all his money. Jack assures that he’s got it all worked out.
41. EXT. – TRANSITIONS GROUNDS – DAY
Jack and the ladies are filming a commercial for Flora’s website, an echo of Jack’s cheesy TV ads from the 80’s.
FIN
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What I’ve learned doing this assignment is that it can sometimes be difficult to discern whether you’re actually improving your script, rather than simply making changes for the sake of change.
Logline for Jack of Diamonds: A group of savvy seniors in a retirement home is forced to team up with the very conman who has swindled them out of their life savings in order to save themselves from eviction.
Main Conflict: It’s within Jack. He learns through the adventure he’s about to go through that he can’t get any of what he wants by going it alone. As his friend Wilf tells him at the start, the world’s a shitty place if you don’t have friends.
Opening: Jack gets dragged away from watching old videos of himself on YouTube by Blanche, his love interest. It’s time to see their friend Wilf off as he moves out of their retirement home, Transitions, and into Departure Point, a gloomy government facility.
Inciting incident: When they get home from dropping off Wilf, Jack, Blanche and their friends Gertie and Flora see their financial advisor, Robin Connor, being led into court in handcuffs on the evening news. He’s swindled them all out of their life savings.
By page 10, you know: They’ve got to find some way to get their money back before they’re all thrown out of their home at the end of the month.
First turning point: Jack, Blanche, Gertie and Flora discover that Connor has been delivered into their hands at Transitions. Their first thought is to kill him, but Jack strikes a deal with Connor to set him free in exchange for half of his diamond stash.
Mid-point: Someone tries to shoot Connor in his bed. Suddenly, the place is crawling with cops. In the midst of this, Jack gets called to the front desk to receive a delivery. The stones have arrived.
Second turning point: In an attempt to keep the diamonds hidden from Nurse Harper, Jack stirs them into a bowl of pudding which she promptly feeds to the “catatonic” Connor. The inevitable effort to retrieve them ensues.
Crisis: Connor learns that his court case has been thrown out. He’s a free man! The diamonds are recovered, and they’re just about to divvy them up and send Connor on his merry way when the stones suddenly vanish.
Climax: Jack goes off the deep end, hurling abuse at the others for the loss. Flora collapses under the strain and is taken to the hospital. Jack realizes that in his efforts to recoup what he’s lost, he’s only succeeded in alienating everyone around him – including his two kids, who have been trying to reconcile with him. He resolves to start mending fences.
Resolution: Connor absconds with what he thinks are the diamonds, taking a gleeful Nurse Harper with him. Meanwhile, the real stones are discovered in Flora’s possession. The friends are rich! Jack reconciles with his kids, and Wilf comes back home to Transitions.
My original intent was to bookend the story with the two commercials–the old one that Jack’s watching at the beginning, contrasted with the present-day version he’s filming with his friends at the end. However, it occurred to me that the opening might have more oomph if the viewer learned about the group’s financial troubles before they did. To wit:
Opening: TV news footage of Robin Connor, wunderkind financial advisor, being perp-walked into court in handcuffs. He’s accused of bilking hundreds of his clients through a Ponzi scheme. Meanwhile, at Transitions, Jack’s watching his old commercials on YouTube.
Inciting incident: After Jack and his friends get home from dropping off their friend Wilf, (who has been forced to move out because he’s outlived his pension) at Departure Point, the gloomy government facility he’s been forced to move into, Jack’s friend Gertie checks her phone and sees the news about Connor.
By page 10, you know: that they’ve got to find some way to get their money back before they’re all thrown out of their home at the end of the month.
First turning point: Jack, Blanche, Gertie and Flora discover that Connor has been delivered into their hands at Transitions. Their first thought is to kill him, but Jack strikes a deal with Connor to set him free in exchange for half of his diamond stash.
Mid-point: Someone tries to shoot Connor in his bed. Suddenly, the place is crawling with cops. In the midst of this, Jack gets called to the front desk to receive a delivery. The stones have arrived.
Second turning point: In an attempt to keep the diamonds hidden from Nurse Harper, Jack stirs them into a bowl of pudding which she promptly feeds to the “catatonic” Connor. The inevitable effort to retrieve them ensues.
Crisis: Connor learns that his court case has been thrown out. He’s a free man! The diamonds are recovered, and they’re just about to divvy them up and send Connor on his merry way when the stones suddenly vanish.
Climax: Jack goes off the deep end, hurling abuse at the others for the loss. Flora collapses under the strain and is taken to the hospital. Jack realizes that in his efforts to recoup what he’s lost, he’s only succeeded in alienating everyone around him – including his two kids, who have been trying to reconcile with him. He resolves to start mending fences.
Resolution: Connor absconds with what he thinks are the diamonds, taking a gleeful Nurse Harper with him. Meanwhile, the real stones are discovered in Flora’s possession. The friends are rich! Jack reconciles with his kids, and Wilf comes back home to Transitions.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Douglas E. Hughes.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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JACK OF DIAMONDS by Douglas E. Hughes
from the play JACK OF DIAMONDS by Douglas E. Hughes, ©2011
To be honest, I’m not sure what I’ve learned from this assignment yet.
LOGLINE: A group of savvy seniors in a retirement home are forced to team up with the very conman who has swindled them out of their life savings in order to save themselves from eviction.
JACK OF DIAMONDS: ONE PAGE
The story opens with Jack, a retired jeweller, watching one of his cheesy, 80’s era, late-night commercials on YouTube in his room at Transitions, a swanky retirement home. He and his friends–the wise-cracking techno-wizard Gertie, the forgetful costume jewelry maker Flora, and his love interest, the narcoleptic beauty Blanche–are about to say their goodbyes to their friend Wilf who has outlived his pension and is being shipped off to Departure Point, a dreary government facility that is the antithesis of their current home. No sooner do Jack & his friends take their leave of Wilf than they learn that their financial adviser, Robin Connor, has just been arrested for running a Ponzi scheme. They’ve all lost their life savings, and they’re in imminent danger of suffering the same fate as Wilf.
When Connor collapses at his arraignment, he’s rushed off to hospital in a catatonic state, a security bracelet fixed around his ankle; but his presence there is leaked to the media, and a crowd of angry ex-clients gathers at the hospital, determined to get their hands on him. The authorities quickly hustle Connor off to Transitions where they think he’ll be safe, not realizing that they’re placing him amongst a bunch of his victims. When the friends learn of Connor’s presence, their first thought is to kill him; but then Jack discovers two things–one, Connor has been faking his catatonia; and two, he has squirrelled away $10 million in diamonds. Jack makes a deal with the devil–he and his friends will spring Connor in exchange for half of his diamond stash. Together, they come up with a scheme that involves impersonating doctors, faking life-threatening diseases, and eating a lot of banana puddling (with a big dose of laxative for dessert)–all under the watchful eye of Jack’s nemesis, the embittered Nurse Harper.
As things spin out of control, Jack is forced to take a long look at his relationships with Blanche, his friends Gertie and Flora, and his two kids, Ben and Lisa, with whom he hasn’t spoken since they “coerced” him into selling his home and moving into Transitions.
In the end, Jack and his kids patch up their differences, Connor and Harper get their comeuppance, and the friends manage to end up with all the diamonds–enough to reimburse themselves and the other victims at Transitions, and bring Wilf back home in the bargain. The story concludes with Jack and his friends shooting a commercial for Flora’s new jewelry website (an echo of Jack’s cheesy commercials from the 80’s).
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Hi everyone. My name is Douglas E. Hughes. I’ve written four screenplays to date. I hope to learn the skills to be able to elevate these scripts to a truly professional level. I’m an actor and playwright by profession, and have been writing plays for over 30 years.
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Douglas E. Hughes
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I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
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6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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Thanks, Patricia. It’s quite clear when you read the screenplay, but no, neither Flora nor Gertie are aware that these are the real diamonds. It turns out that Flora’s the one who picked up the diamonds when they disappeared, but she has no memory of it. Connor’s the only one who manages to put it together when he sees the necklace for sale on their website; what he doesn’t realize is that the “diamonds” on it are fake. Flora just liked the necklace so much that she decided to make one for herself, using the real diamonds without realizing what they were or where they came from.
The idea of Gertie spotting the diamonds first and using that fact against Connor is very interesting, but it complicates the “all is lost” moment where the friends realize that, once again, they’ve been ripped off by Connor and are left with nothing. However, it’s certainly food for thought…
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It’s quite clear, I think, when you read the screenplay, but no, neither Flora nor Gertie are aware that these are the real diamonds. It turns out that Flora’s the one who picked up the diamonds when they disappeared, but has no memory of it. Connor’s the only one who manages to put it together when he sees the necklace on their website; what he doesn’t realize is that the diamonds on it are fake. Flora just liked the necklace so much that she decided to make one for herself, using the real diamonds without realizing what they were or where they came from.
The idea of Gertie spotting the diamonds first and using that fact against Connor is very interesting, but it complicates the “all is lost” moment where the friends realize that, once again, they’ve been ripped off by Connor and are left with nothing. However, it’s certainly food for thought…
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Sure thing. 🙂
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Thanks, Patricia, and yes, Doug’s fine. I don’t mind Douglas, but everyone who knows me calls me Doug. 🙂