Dev Ross
Forum Replies Created
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Yay! T.O.T.E!
Lots of great support coming my way from Cam, Anna, Lisa, and June. I look forward to working with Kate tomorrow!
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Hey my fellow writers! I never got Hal’s notification of when the telecall on query letters was happening! Nothing in my email or spam, nada! If anyone has cliff notes that they’d be willing to share I’d be endless grateful!
Thanks!
Dev
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Dev Ross – DAY 12 Career Plan
What I learned from this assignment is that writing great scripts is only half of the task. The rest is about being proactive and KAIZEN!
Please tell us the answers to these questions about your next six months of activity:
A. What is your overall screenwriting goal for the next six months?
I am going to continue to increase my marketing and pitching skills while improving the seven scripts I’ve already written. I will also pinpoint my specialty. As of now, I’ve written in a variety of styles and genres and need to focus on what it is that I truly excel at.
My short-term goal is to polish my current script and get it to my agent who is going to intro me to a manager.
I’m also way into getting my low budget youth movie off the ground. I’ve found possible investors and need to focus on breaking through all the way.
B. What are you going to do to elevate quality?
The first thing I’m going to do is to take the scripts I’ve had optioned or have gotten great feedback on and go back and apply what I’ve learned in this class to make them more marketable.
C. How are you going to build a library of marketable scripts?
I’ve already got at least seven scripts that have garnered interest but no sale. I’m going to go back and apply lessons learned to make their more marketable. After that, I am literally going to put myself through the class again to create another script.
D. What do you think might be your specialty (brand)?
I know I can write funny, whimsical and family movies. I’m in the process of seeing if I can make the move to darker, edgier films but my vote is still pending on this…
E. How are you going to build a stronger network?
Put into practice the techniques taught by the Pro Series. Kaizen!
F. How are you going to improve your understanding of doing this business?
By continuing to create more relationships with producers and learning their needs.
G. How are you going to market yourself and your writing?
1. Get a manager 2. Continue to network via Twitter, FB, IMDB, LinkedIn
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DEV ROSS DAY 11 – Elevating Quality to a Professional Level
T.O.T.E.
What I learned from this lesson is that the TOTE process provides constructive feedback that works to elevate story. This is achieved by me carefully incorporating new story and character points initiated from critiques. Also, a great reminder NOT to send out scripts too soon! Gotta sit on my hands!
1. Look into the future and tell us how you are going to use the TOTE Process with…
a. Your script.
TEST – Thus far, I’ve had readings by two trusted actors and one retired producer. I will continue to test with actors (round table reading) and more connected industry folk.
OPERATE – Feedback has been positive save for the retired producer who loved the story but did not like the sci-fi aspect. I will weigh this with future comments. I have script out to a young working producer in Hollywood, and one Indie director. Still waiting for their comments.
I will rewrite script by applying the steps learned in class.
TEST – Entered script in two different feature contests.
Outcome might be too long to wait for so may need to take more short-term action.
b. Your query letters.
Continue to get feedback from industry people.
OPERATE – Analyze feedback, make changes.
Exit or:
TEST -Alumni from the PS81 class
– Past Producers I’ve worked with.
OPERATE – Analyze feedback and incorporate or changes.
TEST – Repeat if needed
EXIT – Send out script ONLY when it’s the best it can be.
c. Building your network.
Continue working on building and maintaining contacts:
LinkedIn: Update profile.
Twitter – Continue to make comments on producer/director’s posts.
Facebook – Interact with acting, producing, directing friends
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Kate,
We are set free when we know the truth. ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ is such a story.
SUGGEST SOMETHING SHORTER, TO THE POINT, MORE JUICY OR UNIQUE
YES, THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE – BUT IT’S PAINFUL. (YOU CAN DO BETTER BUT I HOPE YOU SEE MY POINT.
A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation to save the local community from him.
SUGGEST: A YOUNG ACTRESS ON TOUR STUMBLES ON HER LONG-LOST FATHER AND FINDS HERSELF THE LEAD IN A STING OPERATION AGAINST HIM.
Nia’s African-American Mother, Amahla, died when she was 6, her Father abandoned her to his parents a year later, and she has an idealized story of her devastated father doing good in the world..
SUGGEST CUTTING THE ABOVE. IF PRODUCERS WANT TO KNOW THIS, THEY’LL ASK, WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANT.
18 years later at the end of a summer theatre tour in a small rural community fighting a vengeful developer, Nia is face to face with how reality and dreams don’t match- up, and suppressed memories begin to crowd in.
SUGGEST SOMETHING SHORTER LIKE:
A RURAL TOWN FIGHTS A DEVELOPER UNTIL MUCH IS SET AFOOT WHEN A THEATRE TOUPE ROLLS IN. YOUNG ACTRESS NIA MEETS HER LONG-LOST FATHER – A DREAM COME TRUE UNTIL SHE DISCOVERS REALITY AND DREAMS DON’T MIX…
The triangular relationship of the past between Darrogh (Father/Developer) and Luciana, the fiery Latina community organizer, and Amahla fuel the war today as Darrogh buys up the land to build the worlds’ largest landfill in Luciana’s rural town.
SUGGEST CUTTING THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH.
Believing that love can change the bitter, narcissistic man her father is, and determined to help save the valley, Nia plays a double game conceiving a big con using the actors to ‘buy’ the land, and continuing to give her Father every chance to be who he could be.
SUGGEST SOMETHING SHORTER LIKE:
NOW NIA PLAYS THE ROLE OF HER LIFE AS SHE AND HER TROUPE PLAY WEALTHY LAND BUYERS – ALL IN ORDER TO CON HER DAD.
The troupe’s final performance reveals all. Released from the naivety of childhood, empowered by the truth and with Luciana’s blessing, Nia is free to go and live her life. Darrogh ends his, realizing he threw away the last chance he had for love – from the daughter who was the image of her mother.
SUGGEST CUTTING THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH THAT TELLS THE ENDING. IT GIVES TOO MUCH AWAY.
I THINK IF YOU GO THROUGH THE STORY LOOKING FOR THE BIG EMOTIONAL CHARACTER HOOKS AND THE FUN ACTION HOOKS, YOU CAN MAKE THIS POP OFF THE PAGE.
DEV
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Dev Ross – Query Letter – VERSION #4
What I’ve learned is the need for brevity, clarity, action words, brevity!
Dear Film Producer,
I was perusing cool junk in an Arkansas pawn shop when in walked the local Grand Dragon, the leader of the town’s KKK. A lively conversation between us ensued, stretching out over ten days, and resulting in my Sci-Fi-Thriller.
Caine and Able
Synopsis:
Clay Caine, Grand Dragon of the KKK, has a doppelganger – and he’s black.
In the multi-verse, climate change degrades one version of Earth and causes its poisonous infiltration into a healthy one…
Strange climatic events troll a town just as CLAY CAINE is usurped at his own hate rally by a hot new White Supremacist group. This event is followed by a cross burning on his lawn – because his daughter’s pregnant with a black man’s baby and, lastly, he wakes up to find his wife is black as well… for a few seconds anyway.
All while eerie winds and shimmers continually cross the sky…
Clay’s desperation to regain power and influence, leads him to one path: assassination. He’ll take out an up-and-coming black leader. However, unbeknownst to him, the black leader he chooses to murder, LINCOLN ABLE, exists on another Earth, the very one Clay’s Earth is breeching.
Meanwhile, in his world, Lincoln awakens to a strange new urge – to assassinate a Grand Dragon….
If you like my concept and would like to see the script, I’m eager to oblige!
Best,
Dev Ross
Dev Ross has written television for Disney and Amazon Studios, films for Universal, is an optioned writer, and was recently a finalist in the Stage32’s biopic/true story screenwriting contest.
m.imdb.com/name/mn0743361BIO:
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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Cam,
I think this is just stellar – though I agree whole heartedly with June’s notes! That said, there’s not much left to be said other than I suggest never to put a question into a pitch as in “Will the main character need/do/get out…” I’ve always been taught to make questions declaratives.
“But how likely are you to trust a developmentally challenged child in a crisis, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?”
Suggest something like: Sully’s challenge is every father’s nightmare: He must choose between trusting his developmentally challenged child and infected kid in a crisis or…
Something like the above makes it more active.
Just my two cents! Bravo!
Dev
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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Dev Ross – Query Letter
What I learned is how to use a hook and I’m still learning!
Dear Film Producer,
I was looking through some very cool junk in an Arkansas pawn shop, when in walked the local Grand Dragon, the leader of the town’s KKK. A lively conversation between us ensued and it stretched out over ten days! The result? My Sci-Fi-thriller.
BIO: Dev Ross has written television for Disney and Amazon Studios, films for Universal, is an optioned writer, and was recently a finalist in the Stage32’s biopic/true story screenwriting contest.
Caine and Able
Synopsis:
Clay Caine, white supremacist and a Grand Dragon of the KKK, has a doppelganger – and he’s black.
In the meta-verse, climate change degrades a universe, causing its poisonous infiltration into a neighboring one.
An early sign of its penetration shows up as a strange wind that blows through a charming little town just as KKK Grand Dragon, CLAY CAINE, is being usurped by a young upstart from a hot new White Supremacist group. What comes next for this Klan lifer is worse – a cross is burnt on his front lawn because everybody in town now knows his daughter’s been knocked up by her black boyfriend. And to add insult to injury, one morning he wakes up to find his wife is black as well… for a few seconds anyways. Did he imagine it?
Desperate to regain prior power and influence, and after a good pray on it, Clay believes his path back to power is assassination. He’ll take out an up-and-coming black leader. However, unbeknownst to him, the black leader he chooses to murder, LINCOLN ABLE, only exists in the universe being penetrated.
Meanwhile, in his universe, Lincoln awakes to a new and very unfamiliar urge – which is to assassinate a Grand Dragon.
As the two unwitting universes continue to meld, the two men literally appear and disappear out of each other lives, do battle across realties, and ultimately destroy their families, their reputations, and the meaning in life they had long fought for.
In a nightmarish climax, the two men mortally wound each other only to discover that they are, in fact, two halves of a whole. They die as one.
Their pivotal deaths are the catalyst for two new universes to be birthed. One is where most of us would like to live. The other would be the perfect hell.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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Story Hooks
Leads: Clay and Lincoln
Clay: 1, 5, 6
Lincoln: 8, 13
I learned how to see where my hooks are and how to begin to put them forth in a pitch.
1. Clay is a deeply feeling man who stands against the rising tide of the White Supremacists – The Sons of the Patriots. But wait! Clay is a Grand Dragon!
2. Mysterious winds plague a small town.
3. Multi-universes exist side by side and one is degrading and infiltrating the other.
4. Two small towns seem almost totally alike only one is filled with white people, the other black.
5. Clay struggles to maintain his patriarchy over his young naïve wife and their daughter who hides her pregnancy from her black boyfriend.
6. Clay leads a Klan meeting that consists of a bunch of losers. He struggles to elevate them but deep down they, themselves, know it’s hopeless.
7. White Supremacists burn a cross on a Grand Dragon’s front lawn because of his family’s association with blacks.
8. Clay goes to bed with his white wife who’s arm suddenly turns black.
9. Lincoln, a rising black leader, wakes up with a strong desire to kill Clay, the Grand Dragon.
10. As reality shifts, Clay and Lincoln pull up alongside of each other in identical cars. Clay pulls a shotgun on Lincoln.
11. They car chase each other in and out of two realities.
12. Lincoln drives out Clay’s reality only to accidentally run over his wife in his reality. He thinks he’s going crazy.
13. Lincoln speaks at a rally and transforms from a uniter to a divider.
14. The men kill each other only to discover they are each one half of the other. They die as one.
15. Their pivotal deaths are the catalyst for two new universes to be birthed.
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Dev Ross – One sentence phone pitch – What makes your story marketable
An aging, once powerful Grand Dragon is usurped by a new and charismatic young supremacist so plots to regain his dominance by murdering a rising black leader.
A fading Grand Dragon, usurped by a charismatic young white supremacist, plots to regain his dominance by assassinating a black leader, only to discover the black leader is also hunting him.
Fighting for dominance over the white supremacist movement, a fading Grand Dragon plots to assassinate a rising black leader only to face shifting realities where he is both himself and the black leader he plans to murder.
2. Write a one-sentence phone pitch for your screenplay. First tell us the biggest hook and then incorporate it into your one-sentence pitch.
The biggest hook is the main character is both men – one white, one black in two different realities.
“Cain and Able” captures the zeitgeist of our times as racism, sexism, climate change, and the multi-universes collide.
What I learned is that by doing these exercises faithfully, I find myself releasing what I thought were great loglines to embrace new ones.
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Dev Ross – Marketable Components
Logline: Outshined by a new hate group, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots to regain power by murdering a rising black leader – who also has plans to murder him.
<font face=”inherit”>Unique. My story is unique because it combines the genre of Sci-fi with Thriller while being edgy and, most importantly, like DON’T LOOK UP, it captures the zeitgeist of our </font>tumultuous<font face=”inherit”> times. Like the Matrix, it addresses series issues in a fantastic way. </font>
True. (It isn’t true but it is based on my interview with a GRAND DRAGON.
GREAT ROLES for two bankable male actors while offering three great female supporting roles.
My pitch would hammer on the uniqueness of my story: Sci-fi Thriller that captures the zeitgeist of our times with an edgy approach, that neither spares nor compromises either side of the race conflict. This story has fantastic roles for two male actors in their fifties, one white, one black. Each role digs deep. Both explore the good and the evil that co-exists in all of us.
What I learned doing this assignment is how much I am into and believe in my story – deeply. It was a bizarre logline that I created out of Hal’s exercises that forced me out of my comfort zone into a whole new area for me. What I learned is how very much I love this and can’t seem myself not doing it.
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Dev Ross is Expanding her Network
What I learned doing this assignment is that I have huge resistance in the area of marketing, which means I’m plowing in and “doing it anyway!” Found out I already had a Twitter account – so now I have two, which messed me up a bunch. The result is – once I got through my resistance and upset over having two Twitter accounts, I’m okay. Making headway.
A. My plan
1. 30 minutes a day on social media platforms.
2. ON PRODUCERS: follow, like, comment.
3. Be more pro-active on ‘bragging’ on what I’ve done in the past and what I currently doing now. I have a Humanitas and an Emmy, was three times nominated but it was long ago so I have fear on that but will do it anyway.
4. I have already sendt out the first ten pages of the screenplay to a former producer at Universal. She LOVED THEM and asked for the complete script. I also sent ten pages to an actor a country music star who follows my work.
5. I have a membership to Stage32 for meet ups that I never use and now will make a point to.
MY Twitter address
https://twitter.com/@devoross1
C. The producers you followed
1. Robert Rodriquez
2. Adam McKay (Don’t Look UP)
3. Spike Lee
4. Ron Suskind
5. Jordan Peele
D. Your experience of approaching producers this way.
With the producer formerly from Universal, I just asked if she’d be willing to read 10 pages. That was easy. She has COVID as is bored! Worked!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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Dev Ross – Caine and Able – Sci-fi Thriller
What I learned doing this assignment is that I do have a few contacts still that I can wrangle into more contacts through six-degrees of separation.
MY NETWORK
ProSeries
1. June
2. Kate
3. Antonio
4. Cameron
5. Alice
ProSeries Alumni
No one yet.
Writer’s Group I.
1. Spencer
2. Shondra
3. Mindy
4. Michael G.
5. Gerard
6. Stephan
Production Company 1
1. Heather
2. Hollace
3. Michelle
4. Donna
FB
1. Jeanne C.
2. Cordelia
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Campaign, Strategies and Tactics Day 3 of Marketing
Dev Ross’s Marketing Campaign for Caine and Able, a sci-fi thriller
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>What I learned:<font face=”inherit”> That I wish I had known this sooner! I know I shouldn’t belly-</font>ache,<font face=”inherit”> but I’ve had great coverage on earlier scripts – even had them optioned but couldn’t get them into the air! Now I see how I did not follow through. </font>
Campaign to see my film streaming on a major like Amazon or HBO Plus with A-list talent attached. I’d like to network until I can get Spike Lee to direct!
Strategies for my sci-fi thriller is to target producers from films such as DON’T LOOK UP, THE BLACK KLANSMAN, MISSISSIPP BURNING, and the tv show THE MAN IN HIGH CASTLE. Also, target producers who’ve worked with A list actors looking to do something ‘out of the box.’
My tactics: Enter film contests, rejoin InkTip, utilize my other writer memberships that I’ve let go while doing this script. I did that because I always had interest but could never cross the finish line. Use Scriptblaster to get my logline out.
Use my Agent as a resource to get to certain managers.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Query: Connect with producers who have experience with edgy films. Reach out to Sundance.
SET-UP pitch meetings in LA via my agent or through writers’ groups. Get agent to introduce me to managers she’s worked with.
Use my former acting contacts in LA to do a table read. Use 6 degrees of separation method to get to Spike Lee.
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Day one:
Dev Ross’s Project and Market
What I learned doing this assignment is…that now that my screenplay has evolved, I must rework my logline! I wish I didn’t have to because I thought my initial one was pretty dead on. This will be a challenge though one I am up to. Below is the first stab…
Logline and Genre: Outshined by the latest leader of a hot new hate group, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a rising black leader who also has synchronistic plans to kill him.
This film is a Sci-Fi Thriller.
Who will I target first: I am targeting A list actors first. Why is this film commercial? It fits the zeitgeist of our times. It’s so timely, relevant, has great roles for older male actors, is action-packed, emotional, dark and hopeful.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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Day 2
Dev Ross’s Project and Market
Logline and Genre: Outshined by the latest leader of a hot new hate group, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a rising black leader who also has synchronistic plans to kill him.
This film is a Sci-Fi Thriller.
Who will I target first: I am targeting A list actors first.
What I learned is how shocked I was at how easy it was to use IMDB to find producers. DUH! Can’t believe I missed that! Also, realized how easy I’ve given up in the past because I did not have a marketing strategy.
Director: Spike Lee
Actors: Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lyndie Greenwood (Nubia), Tiffany Boone (Nubia) Deborah Olayinka Ayorinde (Nubia)
PRODUCERS: Tony Grazia, Cagte Hardman, Jennifer Madeloff, Adam McKay, Kevin J Messick,David Siorota, Staci Roberts Steele, Ron Suskind, Jason Blum, Marcei A. Brown, Matthew A. Cherry, Edward H. Hamm Jr., Spike Lee, Raymond Mansfield, Sean McKittrick, Jordon Peele, David Rabinowitz, Shawn Redick, Win Rosenfeld, Jeannete Volturno, Charlie Wachetel, Matt Berenson, Fred Bernstein, Robin Bissell, Ian Calip, Rick Jackson, Tobey Maquire, Matthew Plouffe, Harrison Powell, Jeremiah Samuels, Robert Simonds, Danny Strong, Dominique Telson
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June, my comments will be in BOLD! OVERALL, LOVE THIS, ESPECIALLY YOUR WELL DRAWN CHARACTERS, WHO ARE CHARMING AS HELL.
DEV
The first Ten Pages
OVER BLACK
“1972”
JOE (V.O.)
Fugazi. Moron. You enLISTED? If I could get out of this, I would. Why you gotta follow me everywhere?
ROY (V.O.) We’re compadres. Amigos. We swore a blood oath.
JOE (V.O.) Blood?! You got that right. We’re both gonna die in that jungle. We’re not gonna get home.
GREAT HOOK. #1 INSTANT CONFLICT/CONTRAST OPENING.
I INSTANTLY LIKED ROY, HIS LOYALTY. STRONG CHARACTER TRAIT RIGHT UPFRONT.
“50 YEARS LATER”
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – SPRING, 2022 – LATE AFTERNOON Roy, late 60’s, could charm the frown off of a church lady despite his scruffiness and nervous energy. He tries the front door. Locked. He knocks. #C: USED LOADED WORDS AND IMAGES BEAUTIFULLY.
ROY Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of “Honeypie.”
ROY (sung) Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT/INT SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (sung) Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (spoken) Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT It’s dark. Fire’s gone out. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, and scooches himself inside. GREAT WRITTEN IMAGES. LOVE ‘SMASHES HIS MUG.’
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes, neatly folded, are
on a counter. He knows what to do. He drags the fridge to retrieve his hidden; ragged military pouch. Inside: a knife, his dog-tags and something shiny with a ribbon; wrapped in a bloody bandana. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.) You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
LOCKED OUT, LEFT: INCITING INCIDENT.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, work gloves. He sets everything out. His shoes. His pouch. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around his skinny frame and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD Get out.
ROY Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD Out.
ROY Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy whistling the Beatles tune, “We Can Work It Out” through the door.
LANDLORD I’m not as patient as Nurse Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back:
ROY Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes. and runs to the beat-up cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turn over, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – MORNING – CONTINUOUS The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of beard clippings on the floor. GREAT IMAGE.
INT./EXT. – VAN – CONTINUOUS Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces
the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges this maniac; swerves and pulls over.
ROY Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY That’s the plan! Free room and board comin’ in from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
EXT./INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY – CONTINUOUS He swerves into a cordoned off wall of a PIGGLY WIGGLY and jumps into the back of the van just before he slams into the building.
Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo hut in Nam. Fuckers exploded for hours!
Roy slides back into the driver’s seat as The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – and PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him – The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out – GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
LOVE THIS. ROY’S CHARACTHER JUST SHINES THROUGH YOUR DIALOGUE.
ROY Officer, Officers, a man needs his java-bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes – I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam.
Two officers approach. Roy puts his hands up.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ROY Hell, you’re just a young pup. Pop that zit, son. So where do I get my coffee?
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL – EARLY AFTERNOON THREE MEN, strung-out and jaggy and a terrified teen TYRONE, share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked stares at Tyrone. The other two, A SKANKY guy and a BUTTROTTEN DUDE also in withdrawal, are agitated, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and forth.
SKANK Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks. Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE (to Tyrone) I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY No no no Pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE (to the kid) Where’d you stash it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY Back off big boy.
Pukeface lurches at the boy again. Roy grabs his shirt.
TYRONE I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. No drugs!
ROY You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down between Buttrot’s legs. Buttrot flushes the toilet before Pukeface rolls away.
ROY (to Pukeface) Head call?
PUKEFACE (to Roy) I will kill you. You’re fuckin dead!
Tyrone backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Buttrot tries to stand but has to sit down again.
ROY I took a car, too.
TYRONE You did?
ROY Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE Tik tok.
ROY Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
THROUGH ROY’S UNIQUE AND RICH DIALOGUE, WE SEE HIS HEART. MENTORING A KID IN JAIL.
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which is supposedly something to eat.
GUARD Shut up. Back away.
He shoves the tray in.
GUARD Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface laughs. The kid stares. Calling back to the guard.
ROY Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option, don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY Watch me fellas. (To Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets frenzied and starts yelling.
SKANK Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot flushes and wobbles to stand. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and puke. Skank throws his food at Roy. A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD You’re gonna eat that slop.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY (feigns terror) Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet and then flushes. It clogs and overflows. The guard watches it all.
BUTTROT (howls) I need that toilet!
SKANK Pain! Ow ow ow!
PUKEFACE Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
MAN, DID YOU EVER MAKE THE ABOVE SCENE WORK! I COULD SEE EVERY BIT OF IT.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING A GURNEY with a bandaged and splinted Roy rolls by Suzy’s station. ATTENDANT TIM taps on Suzy’s desk, drops a MANILLA file onto it and as he pushes past and into a room:
ATTENDANT TIM Broken rib. Trauma to the kidney. Dislocated shoulder. Old guy.
Suzy nods.
ATTENDANT TIM Stinks, too. Suzy stands, picks up the file, opens it as she walks. The name stops her short, and she stares into the room from the hallway.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Tim settles Roy – He fastens a restraint between the bed and Roy, moves the IV pole and shows Roy how to work the bed and hit the call button. Suzy enters.
SUZY One day, Roy. One!
ROY Babydoll!
He coughs and can’t get a breath. She takes his temperature.
SUZY Don’t test me. (To Tim) I know him. The last thing this man is, is a flight risk. GREAT LINE!
Tim looks at her.
He doesn’t need those.
Tim is not sure.
SUZY Really.
Tim removes the restraints and leaves. Suzy inserts a port and hooks up the IV line with fluids. Then she reads the thermometer.
ROY I love it when you touch me.
She ignores him.
SUZY You’re running a fever.
ROY My Suzy Q makes me hot.
He gets an internal jab and moans. She checks his chart again.
SUZY Knock it off. Behave or I’ll have you transferred. Doc will be in to see you.
She writes on the chart, and as she’s leaving:
ROY I’m starving.
She halts. Turns to a cabinet, unlocks it and takes out an Ensure type drink, and crackers – opens everything for him and heads for the exit.
ROY You’re my Joan of Arc.
SUZY And you’re in a heap of trouble, Roy. Meds will kick in soon.
As she exits.
SUZY And don’t move. That rib can puncture your heart. AM LOVING YOUR TART DIALOGUE.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING – CONTINUOUS Suzy strides out and her “No BS” demeanor dissolves. Worry, frustration and empathy tear at her. She flips through Roy’s narrative/chart and makes a decision.
INT. / EXT. BUS – NIGHT KIM, 60s. Her zen veneer masks her gyrating emotions. She’s a waiting tiger – a fighter with a hit-and-run approach. Her vocal self-talk demonstrates years of therapy. Holding TRAVEL BAGS, Kim speaks aloud throughout the bus ride to no-one in particular. When they pretend not to hear, she proclaims even louder, and looks at them to get their attention. LOVE KIM’S CHARACTER DESCRIPTION. CAN SEE HER PERFECTLY.
KIM Yes, I’m coming. Yes, I have a right to be there. You know I’m right.
She tugs the stop-cord and the bus pulls over to a remote area on the edge of a very dark park. A lone house with a light on inside. As she exits:
KIM I’m fine. I’m good. Don’t worry about me.
EXT. COTTAGE – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Kim circles the house. She sits in the garden facing the lit window and lights a cigarette. Kim’s words turn into a chant.
KIM I am strong. I belong. You can’t stop me. I will survive.
A woman, INGRID, 30s, society snotty, yanks the blind open and glares out. Then a man, 60s, BRIAN, comb over, a spineless Dweeb, joins the woman. Kim sees them staring. LOADED IMAGES OF PEOPLE. GREAT FREAKING STUFF! “COMB OVER, SPINELESS DWEEB” – GREAT!
KIM This is mine. Mine.
Kim gets up and goes to the door. Before she can knock, Ingrid has swung the door open.
INGRID Stupid cow.
BRIAN Kim, just leave. Don’t start this.
KIM Hi Brian.
THIS DOESN’T FEEL LIKE A TWIST TO ME. MAYBE… AFTER DOING HER BUILD UP SELF-TALK, KIM APPROACHES THE DOOR FEELING STRONG. ONE LINE FROM INGRID: “STUPID COW” SENDS HER RUNNING… AND I MEAN TEARING AWAY DOWN THE STREET, TERRIFIED OF CONFRONTATION. POSSIBLE THIS IS HER ‘CALL TO ADVENTURE’ ONE THAT SHE REJECTS. SHE CAN COME BACK, OF COURSE, AND TAKE IT ON. MAKES HER HEROIC AND LIKEABLE.
DEV
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DEV ROSS – PLEASE CRITQUE, thank you! SECOND VERSION
GRAND DRAGON CLAY CAINE OF THE KKK IS LITERALLY TOSSED OFF STAGE BY HIS OWN FOLLOWERS AND IS REPLACED BY A NEW, YOUNGER, MORE RADICAL WHITE SUPREMACIST. AS CLAY’S STAR FADES, A BLACK LEADER’S RISES. TO REGAIN HIS FORMER POWER, CLAY BELIEVES GOD ANOINTS HIM TO KILL THAT RISING BLACK LEADER. WHAT NEITHER MAN KNOWS – BUT IN THE CLIMAX FIND OUT – IS THAT BOTH EXIST AS POLAR OPPOSITES, ONE BLACK, ONE WHITE, IN TWO DIFFENT REALITIES – REALITIES THAT HAVE BEEN COLLAPSING INTO ONE ANOTHER DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE.
FADE IN:
EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – LATE SUMMER NIGHT
A breeze stirs the trees surrounding a modest home. A window in the basement leaks light from a TV. The sound from the TV slowly DIALS UP.
TV NEWS (O.S.)
(Marchers’ chants)
Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us! Jews will not subvert us!
INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT
CLAY CAINE sits in near dark watching the TV.
CLAY
Those sons of the devil.
Sudden wind blasts slam tree branches against his home.
CLAY
Tools of a fool. In lock step with an idiot!
Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.
CLAY
Aw… Jesus…
Distraught, Clay drops his head into his hands.
CLAY
Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…
WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force the TV blacks out. Clay sits in the dark.
CLAY
Fuck.
Clay rampages through the dark room, destroying anything he can find.
CLAY
Fuck, fuck, fuck, Fuck!
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Errant WINDS rattle through rusty carnival rides, balloons and VOTE banners are swept into spinning dust devils. Still, there’s a lot of people there – all white.
A little GIRL counts out coins for her cotton candy. She’s about to take a sticky bite when the wind frees it and carries it off like a bobbing pink cloud. She chases after it when the now very visible Clay Caine, former marine, fit in his 50’s, snags it out of the air and then strides with it back to the girl. Clay likes being a hero. He also likes admiring her small comely form as she prances happily away.
EXT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS
A wind-ripped American flag flaps over the stage as the punishing wind forces a COUNTRY BAND to give up on their set. They no sooner clear the stage when the wind subsides. Nothing stirs but the grateful audience when–
America’s hero – at least that’s how he sees himself — Clay Caine, hops up onto the stage with a single bound. He rights the fallen microphone, gazes out at his people.
CLAY
Thank you, Lord, for diminishing this wind! For we shall be the calm before the storm!
No cheers. Curious.
CLAY
Hey, thanks for coming out to support me today! Especially with this crazy wind!
Sparse reactions.
CLAY
You know, I’m often asked why I’ve been called to leadership, and I answer… It’s because of you! Because this is our country, and that is our flag!
Still not much so he dials it up.
CLAY
Do you know what the red on our flag stands for? Do you? It stands for our forefathers! Our forefathers, baptized in their own blood for our freedoms! Yours and mine, ladies and gentlemen! Yours and mine!
He pants with exertion but there’s still barely any response. Then, a lone voice calls out.
ADAM (O.S.)
Dude!
It’s Adam Spencer from the TV.
ADAM
You’re a WINO!
Confused, Clay searches the crowd.
CLAY
Excuse me, what?
ADAM
A WINO!
CLAY
He recognizes Adam Spencer from the news on TV but keeps his cool, smiles.
You’re wrong there, son, I don’t drink. Never have.
ADAM
Dude! It’s a White Supremacist in Name Only! Listen everybody. This WINO is nothing but quid pro status quo! Quid pro status quo!
Like wildfire catching…
CROWD
Quid pro, status quo! Quid pro, status quo!
Clay yells his response against the wind but he’s soundless against it — while Adam stands, arms wide, embracing the gale. Members of the crowd hoist Adam to the stage, then physically remove Clay. He lands in the dirt.
Adam looks down at Clay from his new perch.
ADAM
The Klan’s dead, old man! Long live the Sons of Patriots!
Clay looks up at Adam, at what was supposed to be his stage, his people. He turns his hurt and confused gaze toward the heavens where the wind swirls up and up…
EXT. OUTER SPACE – CONTINOUS
The black of space, stars, planets, and then the sound of HUMMING – in harmony as thousands of pulsating worlds fade into view. They look like harp strings but are parallel universes existing in a simultaneous timeline. Vibrantly healthy strings exist next to those that are dimming. A few dim to black and then spiral to their deaths inside black holes.
Among these multiverses, one STRING frays like split ends caused by overbleached hair. Like a cancer spreading, its ragged tendrils breach a neighboring string – causing a SHIMMERING effect across both strings…
EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
A country fair with all the fixings. There’s GET OUT THE VOTE BANNERS, GOSPEL MUSIC, folks, mostly black, milling about…
COTTON CANDY STAND: A LITTLE BLACK GIRL counts out her coins for cotton candy. She’s about to take a sticky bite when a sudden GUST carries it off. She chases after it when, still fit in his 50’s, an African American, former teacher, LINCOLN ABLE, snags it out of the air. He’s handing it back to the little girl when he hears his name being chanted.
CROWD (O.S.)
Lincoln! Lincoln! Lincoln!
Lincoln winks at her, then heads towards a STAGE festooned with a gently waving American flag.
EXT. STAGE – MOMENTS LATER
Lincoln hops on stage, grabs the microphone.
LINCOLN
Hey, y’all!
A BIG WIND kicks up causing him to duck an errant GET OUT THE VOTE poster that blows past.
LINCOLN
Whoa! Where’d that wind come from? Let’s try that again! Hey, y’all!
Cheers and response. All good.
LINCOLN
Who out there is registered to vote?
Hands raise.
LINCOLN
Now who isn’t?
No one raises their hands.
LINCOLN
C’mon now, fess up.
More than a few raise their hands.
LINCOLN
So y’all are registering today, right?
They cheer that they are when-
YOUNG BLACK WOMAN
Lincoln! You should run!
The crowd loves this, him!
LINCOLN
Nah, nah, now, I’m just here to–
The wind steals his words, and then spirals up toward the heavens. Lincoln gazes up as if trying to see where his words are going. The wind calms and he notices, just for a brief moment…
…a pale SHIMMER ripple across the sky.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Clay, his passive young wife HANNAH, (30’s), and their silently rebellious daughter, EMMY, (17) eat dinner. Their silence – against the CLINK of silverware against plates – looms large.
Hannah swallows, her food going down dry. She wipes her mouth with a cloth napkin, carefully replaces it on her lap, softly clears her throat.
HANNAH
Clay, I was thinking maybe tonight we could have some conversation.
CLAY
Hannah, dinner is a time for silent reflection where we think about and give thanks for what we have.
HANNAH
Yes, but… I was hoping tonight could be an exception — seeing what happened today. To you.
Emmy shoots an anxious looks at her mother.
CLAY
Paul tells us: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength. But with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.
HANNAH
What is your way out?
CLAY
He hasn’t provided it yet.
HANNAH
Then, maybe that’s his sign that… that you should be getting out.
CLAY
Hannah. Do you believe in me?
HANNAH
Of course I do, Clay.
Emmy quickly wipes her mouth…
EMMY
I do too, Daddy.
…then places her napkin on her plate.
EMMY
May I please be excused?
HANNAH
I know with the Lord’s help, you can handle it, but we need to support you on this. Families stick together through thick and thin. Maybe we can discuss that. How we’re going to stick together.
CLAY
You’re making too much of this.
HANNAH
People are turning away from you.
CLAY
They like what’s bright and shiny, but I’m steady. They’ll come back.
DOORBELL
EMMY
That’s Bethany! May I go?
CLAY
Bring her in to say ‘hello’ first.
Clay dabs at his mouth with his napkin, runs his tongue over his teeth to check for food debris, then sits up as Emmy escorts in BETHANY, a budding teen beauty just discovering her powers.
Hannah notices Clay noticing Bethany.
BETHANY
Evening, Mrs. Caine, Mr. Caine.
CLAY
Evening, Bethany. How’s your folks?
BETHANY
They’re doing good– I mean ‘well,’ they’re doing well.
CLAY
Well– You give them my regards.
HANNAH
Mine too.
CLAY
So where are you two young ladies headed out to tonight?
BETHANY
A bunch of us are meeting up for a video game contest–
A warning glance from Emmy.
BETHANY
–at the church.
CLAY
The church sponsors video games?
BETHANY
Oh, they’re not violent or… you know.
CLAY
Sexual?
Blushing…
BETHANY
Uh-huh.
With a wink…
CLAY
Good to know.
EMMY
May we go?
CLAY
Off with you then.
HANNAH
Your plate to the sink first, young lady.
Emmy hurries her dish to the sink, is about to leave–
HANNAH
Rinse it.
She does, then joins Bethany to leave.
BETHANY
Y’all have a nice evening.
As the teen girls exit, Clay eyes Bethany’s backside.
CLAY
You, too.
Hannah’s not blind.
INT. CAINE TV ROOM – NIGHT
The room’s dim as Hannah stops in the doorway. Clay’s dozing. News plays softly in the b.g.
HANNAH
Clay? I’m going up to bed now.
His SNORING tells her he isn’t. She exits. He sleeps on…
LATER: The news shows a crowded pig farm, flooding waters.
NEWS REPORTER (V.O.)
…and increasing floodwaters often contain infectious organisms including E. Coli, Salmonella, and Shigella…
Clay snaps awake, sees the floods.
CLAY
Siri! TV off!
It doesn’t go off.
CLAY
TV off!
So much flooding…
CLAY
Dammit!
He fumbles with the remote. Finally, the TV blinks off.
EXT. CLAY’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
He tries the door. It’s locked. Knocks.
EMMY
Be out in a minute.
TOILET FLUSHES.
Clay leans his head on the door.
CLAY
What time did you get in?
EMMY (O.S.)
Oh, hours ago, Daddy. I just had to… you know… girl stuff.
TOILET FLUSHES AGAIN.
CLAY
Pass me my toothbrush, will ya?
She does. He heads to the kitchen…
EXT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER – AT SINK
Clay brushes. A dead tree illuminated by the moon shows through the kitchen window. He remembers…
EXT. CAINE BACKYARD – KLAN RALLY – FLASHBACK – NIGHT
Grand Dragon AUGUST CAINE stands under the now living tree as he delivers a speech to his Klan followers.
AUGUST CAINE
The ‘melting pot’ they say. A nation of many colors and beliefs they say – that will build utopia. But we defy assimilation.
In his mini-Klan robe, an eight-year-old raptly listens; his young face lit by the light of the burning cross.
AUGUST CAINE (CONT’D)
And not because the colored aren’t children of God, but because they cannot – will not – ever attain the superior level of the white.
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy?
INT. KITCHEN – OUT OF FLASBACK
Clay turns to see Emmy’s pale face looking in on him.
EMMY
I’m out.
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Clay sits on the toilet lid, eyes closed in prayer.
CLAY
Lord, give me the power to defeat thine enemies and to thwart the rising tide of chaos. Amen.
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
He carefully crawls in bed, settles with his back to his wife’s. She rolls over to him, puts her arm around him.
Clay moves to remove it when he realizes: The skin is smooth and silky like Hannah’s, but it’s no longer white… it’s black.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Dev Ross – FIRST PAGE
What I learned was more about my lead character. In reaching for the ‘provocative,’ I found new elements about him; elements that distinguish him as a – hopefully – more intriguing character.
FADE IN:
EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – SUMMER NIGHT
Huge shade trees sway in the light summer breeze that cools a modest but picturesque home in the South. A dim light emanates from its basement. The TV inside blares–
TV NEWS (O.S.)
(Crowd chanting)
Jews will not pervert us! Blacks will not subvert us!
CLAY (O.S.)
Sons of the devil.
The breeze turns to powerful gusts that whip the trees into a frenzied dance.
TV NEW (O.S.)
Jews will not pervert us! Blacks will not subvert us!
CLAY (O.S.)
Tools of a fool.
INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
TV NEWS: Torch bearing marchers are led by youthful white supremacist leader ADAM SPENCER.
CLAY (O.S.)
Idiots! In lock step with an idiot!
Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.
CLAY CAINE sits in the dim of the TV.
CLAY
Oh Captain, my Captain, our fearful trip is done…
WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force, TV blacks out, leaving him in the dark.
CLAY
Fuck.
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Dev’s First Ten Pages
What I learned is to simplify, be clearer, and that nothing that I write is sacred – no matter how great I ‘thought’ it was!
FADE IN:
EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – SUMMER NIGHT
Trees sway in a light summer breeze around a modest but picturesque Southern home. A dim light comes from its basement and this from the television inside:
TV NEWS (O.S.)
(Crowd chanting)
Jews will not pervert us! Blacks will not subvert us!
As the chant continues, the breeze turns to gusts that whip the trees into a frenzied dance.
INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
TV NEWS: Torch bearing marchers are led by youthful white supremacist leader ADAM SPENCER.
CLAY (O.S.)
Idiots following an idiot.
Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.
CLAY CAINE sits in the dim of the TV. He sighs heavily, then–
WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force, TV blacks out, leaving him in the dark.
CLAY
Fuck.
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Wind rattles through rusty carnival rides, balloons and VOTE banners are swept into spinning dust devils. Still, there’s quite a few people there – all white.
A little GIRL proudly counts out her coins for her cotton candy and is about to take a sticky bite when the wind frees it and carries it off like a bobbing pink cloud. She chases after it when the now very visible Clay Caine, former marine, fit in his 50’s, snags it out of the air and then strides with it back to the girl. Clay likes being a hero. He also likes admiring her small comely form as she prances happily away.
EXT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS
A giant wind-ripped American flag flaps over the stage as the CONFEDERATES, a COUNTRY BAND gives up on their set in the punishing wind. They clear off when the wind takes a dramatic break. Nothing stirs but the grateful audience.
Now, Clay Caine makes his entrance. He hops up on the stage with a single bound. He rights the fallen microphone and looks at out his audience.
CLAY
Thank you, Lord, for diminishing this wind! For we shall be the calm before the storm!
He expected cheers but there are none.
CLAY (CONT’D)
Hey, I’m grateful to y’all for coming out to support me today! Especially with his crazy wind!
Sparse reaction.
CLAY
You know, I’m often asked why I’ve been called to lead and I answer: It’s because of you! It’s because this is our country!
Still not much audience reaction so he dials it up – dramatically points to the wind-ripped flag.
CLAY
And that is our flag!
Uneasy shuffling amongst the crowd. Clay paces.
CLAY
Do you know what the red on our flag stands for? Do you? It stands for our forefathers who were baptized in their own blood for our freedoms! Yours and mine, ladies and gentlemen! Yours and mine!
No response. Then… a lone voice calls out.
ADAM
Clay Caine!
It’s Adam Spencer from the TV.
ADAM SPENCER
You’re a WINO!
Clay searches the crowd, finds Adam.
CLAY
You’re wrong there, son, I don’t drink.
ADAM SPENCER
Dude! It’s a White Supremacist in Name Only!
(Turning to the crowd)
Listen to me everybody. This WINO is nothing but quid pro status quo!
(Directing the crowd to chant)
Quid pro status quo! Quid pro status quo!
It catches on.
CROWD
Quid pro, status quo! Quid pro, status quo!
As the crowd chants, the wind rises. Clay yells his response soundlessly against it while Adam stands, arms wide, to embrace the gale. The chanting crowd hoists Adam onto the stage then physically removes Clay, tossing him off the stage into the dirt.
CROWD
Adam! Adam! Adam!
Adam looks down at Clay.
ADAM
The Klan’s dead, old man! Long live the Sons of Patriots!
Clay looks up at the stage, his stage, his people, usurped by Adam. He turns his gaze to the sky where the wind swirls up and up and up…
EXT. SPACE – CONTINOUS
The black of space, the light of stars when thousands of pulsating worlds come humming into view like harp strings.
String Theory.
Vibrantly healthy strings existing next to those dimming. Some spiral to their deaths, sucked into black holes.
Then: Bursts of radiant light herald the birth of new strings.
Among these multiverses, one STRING frays like the split ends caused by overbleached hair. Like a cancer spreading, its ragged tendrils breach a neighboring string…
EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
A country fair with all the fixings. GOSEL MUSIC ON STAGE, folks, mostly black, milling about…
COTTON CANDY STAND – A LITTLE GIRL proudly counts out her coins for her cotton candy and is about to take a sticky bite when a very out of the blue SURGE OF WIND carries it off. She chases after it when former teacher, still fit in his 50’s, black man, LINCOLN ABLE, snags it out of the air. He jogs back with it back to the little girl just as he hears his name being chanted over the wind.
CROWD (O.S.)
Lincoln! Lincoln! Lincoln!
Lincoln gives her a smile, then heads off through the bluster towards a STAGE festooned with a giant waving American flag. A GET OUT THE VOTE poster twirls in the wind.
EXT. STAGE – MOMENTS LATER
Lincoln strides up and grabs the microphone to the crowds’ approval.
LINCOLN
Hey, y’all!
He ducks the errant GET OUT THE VOTE poster that blows past.
LINCOLN
Whoa! Where’d this wind come from? Let’s try that again! Hey, y’all!
Cheers and response. All good.
LINCOLN
Who out there is registered to vote?
Hands raise.
LINCOLN
Now who isn’t?
No one raises their hands.
LINCOLN
C’mon now, fess up.
More than a few raise their hands.
LINCOLN
So y’all are registering today, right?
They cheer that they are when…
YOUNG BLACK WOMAN
Why don’t you run, Lincoln?
CROWD
Yeah! Lincoln! Lincoln! Lincoln!
Over the wind…
LINCOLN
Nah, nah, now, I’m just here to…
But the wind steals his words as it travels up and up…
INT. CLAY’S HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Clay, his passive younger wife Hannah, a nurse’s aid, (30’s), and their fearful but silently rebellious daughter, EMMY, (17) eat dinner together. Their silence looms large against clinking silverware.
Hannah swallows audibly – her food going down dry. She wipes her mouth with a white cloth napkin and then carefully places it on her lap.
HANNAH
Clay, I was thinking maybe tonight we could have some dinner conversation.
CLAY
Why? This is time for silent reflection, where we sit and eat in gratitude for our food and each other.
HANNAH
Yes, that’s so important. But I was hoping today could be an exception seeing what happened today? To you.
Emmy anxiously looks up at her mother.
CLAY
Paul tells us: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength. But with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.
HANNAH
What is your way out?
CLAY
He hasn’t provided it yet.
HANNAH
Then, maybe it’s a sign you should be getting out.
CLAY
Do you believe in me?
HANNAH
Of course I do.
Emmy clears her throat, wipes her mouth, places her napkin on her plate.
EMMY
I do too, Daddy. May I please be excused?
HANNAH
I know with the Lord’s help, you can handle it, but we need to support you on this. Families stick together through thick and thin. Maybe we can discuss that. How we’re going to stick together.
CLAY
You’re making too much of this.
HANNAH
But people are turning away from you.
CLAY
Because they like what’s bright and shiny. I’m steady. They’ll come back to that.
HANNAH
But things are changing so fast. No one’s listening to reason these days.
DOORBELL
EMMY
That’s Bethany! May I go?
CLAY
Bring her in to say ‘hello’ first.
Clay wipes his mouth, sits up tall in his chair as Emmy escorts in BETHANY (17), a budding beauty just discovering her powers.
Hannah notices Clay noticing…
BETHANY
Evening, Mr. and Mrs. Caine.
CLAY
Evening, Bethany. How’s your folks?
BETHANY
They’re doing good– I mean ‘well,’ they’re doing well.
CLAY
Well– You give them my regards.
HANNAH
Mine too.
CLAY
So where are you young ladies headed out to tonight?
Emmy throws a quick glance at Bethany.
BETHANY
A bunch of us are meeting up for a video game contest — at the church.
Clay playfully frowns his disapproval.
CLAY
The church sponsors video games?
BETHANY
Oh, they’re not violent or… you know.
Sexual?
CLAY
Good to know.
EMMY
May we go?
Clay waves them off.
CLAY
Off with you then.
HANNAH
Take your plate to the sink first.
Emmy hurriedly carries her dish to the sink, is about to leave–
HANNAH
Rinse it.
Emmy does, then joins Bethany to leave.
BETHANY
Y’all have a nice evening.
As the teen girls turn and leave, Clay eyes Bethany’s backside.
CLAY
You too.
Hannah’s not blind.
INT. CAINE TV ROOM – NIGHT
The room’s dark. Clay’s dosing, head sunk deep into chest. News plays softly in the b.g.
Hannah stops at the doorway.
HANNAH
Clay? I’m up to bed now. You coming?
His SNORING tells her he isn’t. Nothing new. She exits.
He sleeps on…
LATER: The TV now plays a report on climate change, showing a crowded pig farm followed by flooding waters.
NEWS REPORTER (V.O.)
…and increasing floodwaters due to climate change often contain infectious organisms including E. Coli, Salmonella, and Shigella…
Clay snaps awake with a start, sees the floods being shown.
CLAY
Siri! TV off!
It still plays the clash.
CLAY
TV off!
He grabs the remote, pushes the red button. TV blinks off.
EXT. CLAY’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
He tries the door. It’s locked. Knocks.
EMMY
Be out in a minute, Daddy.
Clay leans his head on the door.
CLAY
It’s late. What time did you get in?
EMMY (O.S.)
Oh, hours ago, Daddy. I just had to… you know, girl stuff.
CLAY
Okay, just pass me my toothbrush, will ya?
She does. He heads to the kitchen…
EXT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER – AT SINK
Clay brushes his teeth. A dead tree illuminated by the moon shows through the kitchen window.
FLASHBACKS to…
EXT. CAINE BACKYARD – KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE stands under the tree, now living, as he delivers a speech to his Klan followers.
AUGUST ABLE
The ‘melting pot’ they say. A nation of many colors and beliefs that they say will build utopia.
In his own mini-Klan robe, eight-year-old Clay listens with rapt attention to his Grandfather. Young Clay’s face glows in the light of a burning cross.
AUGUST ABLE (CONT’D)
But we defy assimilation. And not because the colored aren’t children of God, but because they cannot – will not – ever attain the superior level of the white.
INT. KITCHEN – OUT OF FLASBACK
A VOICE interrupts.
EMMY (O.S.)
I’m out, Daddy.
Clay turns away from the kitchen sink to see Emmy’s pale face looking in on him. He nods.
INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
Clay closes the lid on the toilet, sits. Breathing in deep, he closes his eyes.
CLAY
Lord, give me the power to defeat thine enemies and thwart the rising tide of chaos. Amen.
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
He carefully crawls in bed and settles with his back to his wife’s. Still, she rolls over to him, puts her arm around him to snuggle.
Clay moves to remove her arm when he realizes: It’s a female arm but the skin covering it is not white – it’s black.
-
Dev Ross – OPENINGS – FIRST FIVE PAGES:
What I learned from this is that I can rely even more heartily on images and well-chosen brevity to set up my story. Just needed to let the six rules sink in first!
FADE IN:
EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – SUMMER NIGHT
A picturesque Southern home surrounded by massive shade trees. Then, from inside…
TV NEWS (O.S.)
Jews will not pervert us! Blacks will not subvert us!
Sudden strong WINDS whip the trees into a frenzied dance.
TV NEWS (O.S.)
Jews will not pervert us! Black will not subvert us!
INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
CLAY CAINE sits in dim light; his face moving in and out of the shadows created by the action playing on the TV.
CLAY
Idiots following an idiot.
THE NEWS: Twenty-something ADAM SPENCER leads his torch carrying protestors down a city street. A mob of counter protestors converge on them. The WIND takes a break and then–WHAM! — slams the house so fiercely, the TV blacks out. Clay’s left in the dark.
CLAY
Fuck.
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Wind rattles through rusty carnival rides, balloons and VOTE banners are swept into spinning dust devils.
A little GIRL proudly counts out her coins for her cotton candy and is about to take a sticky bite when the wind frees it and carries it off like a bobbing pink cloud. She chases after it when the now very visible Clay Caine, former marine, fit at 50, snags it out of the air and then strides with it back to the girl. Clay likes being a hero. He also likes admiring her small comely form as she prances happily away.
EXT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS
A giant wind-ripped American flag flaps over the stage as a COUNTRY BAND finishes their set to applause and whistles.
The unrelenting wind takes a break for the band to clear — and for Clay to make his entrance. He hops onto the stage with a single bound, strides to the microphone.
CLAY
Thank you, Lord, for diminishing this wind! For we shall be the calm before the storm!
Just a sparse reaction. Clay notes this.
CLAY
You know, I’m often asked why I have been called to lead and I answer: It’s because of you! It’s because this is our country!
A lukewarm response so he dials it up, dramatically points to the wind-ripped flag.
CLAY
And this is our flag!
Uneasy shuffling amongst the crowd. Clay paces.
CLAY
Do you know what the red on our flag stands for? It stands for our forefathers who were baptized in their own blood for our freedoms! Yours and mine, ladies and gentlemen! Yours and mine!
Not much reaction when — a lone voice calls out–
ADAM SPENCER
Clay Caine!
It’s Adam Spencer from the TV.
ADAM SPENCER
You’re a WINO!
CLAY
You’re wrong there, son, I don’t drink.
Adam scoffs.
ADAM SPENCER
Dude! It’s a White Supremacist in Name Only!
The crowd enjoys this, laughs.
ADAM SPENCER
Listen to me, everybody. This man is quid pro status quo!
A YOUNG WOMAN picks up his chant and it catches on like wildfire.
YOUNG WOMAN
Quid pro status quo! Quid pro status quo!
CROWD
Quid pro, status quo! Quid pro, status quo!
As the crowd chants, the wind kicks up, forcing Clay to yell soundlessly against it while Adam stands, arms wide, to embrace the gale. The chanting crowd hoists Adam onto the stage and — removes Clay, literally tossing him into the dirt.
CROWD
Adam! Adam! Adam!
Clay looks up at the stage now taken by Adam and then up at the sky as the wind swirls up and up and up…
EXT. SPACE – CONTINOUS
Nothing but the black of space and the light of stars when thousands of pulsating worlds appear like tremoring harp strings. String Theory.
Some show signs of dimming, while others’ death cycle ends when they’re sucked into bottomless black holes. Then – rebirth! Bursts of radiant light bringing new strings.
One STRING fights for its life but is fraying like the split ends on overbleached hair. These split ends already breach a healthier neighboring string like a spreading cancer…
EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
The wind rattles through rusty carnival rides, balloons and banners are swept into spinning dust devils.
COTTON CANDY STAND – A LITTLE GIRL proudly counts out her coins for her cotton candy and is about to take a sticky bite when the wind carries it off. She chases after it when LINCOLN ABLE, a former teacher, still fit in this 50’s, and a BLACK MAN, snags it out of the air, jogs back with it back to the little girl just as he hears his name being chanted over the wind.
CROWD (O.S.)
Lincoln! Lincoln! Lincoln!
Lincoln gives her a smile, then heads off towards a STAGE festooned with a giant American flag. A GET OUT THE VOTE whips by.
EXT. STAGE – MOMENTS LATER
Lincoln strides up and grabs the microphone to the crowds’ approval.
LINCOLN
Hey, y’all!
Cheers!
LINCOLN
Who out there is registered to vote?
Hands raise.
LINCOLN
Now who isn’t?
No one raises their hands.
LINCOLN
C’mon now, fess up.
More than a few raise their hands.
LINCOLN
So y’all registering today?
They cheer that they are when A YOUNG WOMAN encourages to join her chant.
YOUNG WOMAN
Lincoln! Lincoln!
CROWD
Lincoln! Lincoln! Lincoln!
As the wind carries the sound of their chanting up into the air…
-
Dev Ross – SCRIPT OPENINGS
What I learned from this I had accidentally begun the day before when I deleted a scene, knew I wanted to save it but couldn’t figure out where. For expediency, I put it at the top of my story. Then, it hit me! It was a very interesting way to start off my story! And now, with this assignment, I’m in creative wonder on how many choices I have and how each choice sets a very specific tone.
1. Set up Twist: Clay watches white supremacists marching on TV and condemns them. Recites bible. We think he’s a good man. Next scene, we see he’s actually a KLAN leader.
2. Intriguing scene from later in script: Start with Clay’s Grandfather, a Klan leader, holding a rally in their backyard. A cross burning. Seven-year-old Clay watches with admiration and wonder. His Grandfather is a god to him.
3. Plunge into Unique World: Start at Klan rally that resembles a good old fashioned country fair. Kids, rides, cotton candy, music, bands, flags, vendors. Here’s where I introduce Clay.
4. Action Opening: Show String Theory and how one’s string’s degradation is affecting the one next to it.
5. Contrast Opening: Cut back and forth between Clay and his rally and Lincoln at his. Then bring in String Theory Opening. As story unfolds, it would explain the alt rallies.
-
Dev Ross here – Thanks to Kate that I posted my assignment in the wrong place!
THIS IS MY FIRST FIVE PAGES where I learned ‘less is more.’
FADE IN:
EXT. CLAY CAINE’S HOME – SUMMER NIGHT
Trees sway in a light summer breeze around a modest but picturesque Southern home. A dim light comes from its basement and this from the television inside:
TV NEWS (O.S.)
(Crowd chanting)
Jews will not pervert us! Blacks will not subvert us!
As the chant continues, the breeze turns to gusts that whip the trees into a frenzied dance.
INT. CLAY CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
TV NEWS: Torch bearing marchers are led by youthful white supremacist leader ADAM SPENCER.
CLAY (O.S.)
Idiots following an idiot.
Counter protestors converge on them. Chaos.
CLAY CAINE sits in the dim of the TV. He sighs heavily, then–
WHAM! Wind slams his house with such force, TV blacks out, leaving him in the dark.
CLAY
Fuck.
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Wind rattles through rusty carnival rides, balloons and VOTE banners are swept into spinning dust devils. Still, there’s quite a few people there – all white.
A little GIRL proudly counts out her coins for her cotton candy and is about to take a sticky bite when the wind frees it and carries it off like a bobbing pink cloud. She chases after it when the now very visible Clay Caine, former marine, fit in his 50’s, snags it out of the air and then strides with it back to the girl. Clay likes being a hero. He also likes admiring her small comely form as she prances happily away.
EXT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS
A giant wind-ripped American flag flaps over the stage as the CONFEDERATES, a COUNTRY BAND gives up on their set in the punishing wind. They clear off when the wind takes a dramatic break. Nothing stirs but the grateful audience.
Now, Clay Caine makes his entrance. He hops up on the stage with a single bound. He rights the fallen microphone and looks at out his audience.
CLAY
Thank you, Lord, for diminishing this wind! For we shall be the calm before the storm!
He expected cheers but there are none.
CLAY (CONT’D)
Hey, I’m grateful to y’all for coming out to support me today! Especially with his crazy wind!
Sparse reaction.
CLAY
You know, I’m often asked why I’ve been called to lead and I answer: It’s because of you! It’s because this is our country!
Still not much audience reaction so he dials it up – dramatically points to the wind-ripped flag.
CLAY
And that is our flag!
Uneasy shuffling amongst the crowd. Clay paces.
CLAY
Do you know what the red on our flag stands for? Do you? It stands for our forefathers who were baptized in their own blood for our freedoms! Yours and mine, ladies and gentlemen! Yours and mine!
No response. Then… a lone voice calls out.
ADAM
Clay Caine!
It’s Adam Spencer from the TV.
ADAM SPENCER
You’re a WINO!
Clay searches the crowd, finds Adam.
CLAY
You’re wrong there, son, I don’t drink.
ADAM SPENCER
Dude! It’s a White Supremacist in Name Only!
(Turning to the crowd)
Listen to me everybody. This WINO is nothing but quid pro status quo!
(Directing the crowd to chant)
Quid pro status quo! Quid pro status quo!
It catches on.
CROWD
Quid pro, status quo! Quid pro, status quo!
As the crowd chants, the wind rises. Clay yells his response soundlessly against it while Adam stands, arms wide, to embrace the gale. The chanting crowd hoists Adam onto the stage then physically removes Clay, tossing him off the stage into the dirt.
CROWD
Adam! Adam! Adam!
Adam looks down at Clay.
ADAM
The Klan’s dead, old man! Long live the Sons of Patriots!
Clay looks up at the stage, his stage, his people, usurped by Adam. He turns his gaze to the sky where the wind swirls up and up and up…
EXT. SPACE – CONTINOUS
The black of space, the light of stars when thousands of pulsating worlds come humming into view like harp strings.
String Theory.
Vibrantly healthy strings existing next to those dimming. Some spiral to their deaths, sucked into black holes.
Then: Bursts of radiant light herald the birth of new strings.
Among these multiverses, one STRING frays like the split ends caused by overbleached hair. Like a cancer spreading, its ragged tendrils breach a neighboring string…
EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
A country fair with all the fixings. GOSEL MUSIC ON STAGE, folks, mostly black, milling about…
COTTON CANDY STAND – A LITTLE GIRL proudly counts out her coins for her cotton candy and is about to take a sticky bite when a very out of the blue SURGE OF WIND carries it off. She chases after it when former teacher, still fit in his 50’s, black man, LINCOLN ABLE, snags it out of the air. He jogs back with it back to the little girl just as he hears his name being chanted over the wind.
CROWD (O.S.)
Lincoln! Lincoln! Lincoln!
Lincoln gives her a smile, then heads off through the bluster towards a STAGE festooned with a giant waving American flag. A GET OUT THE VOTE poster twirls in the wind.
EXT. STAGE – MOMENTS LATER
Lincoln strides up and grabs the microphone to the crowds’ approval.
LINCOLN
Hey, y’all!
He ducks the errant GET OUT THE VOTE poster that blows past.
LINCOLN
Whoa! Where’d this wind come from? Let’s try that again! Hey, y’all!
Cheers and response. All good.
LINCOLN
Who out there is registered to vote?
Hands raise.
LINCOLN
Now who isn’t?
No one raises their hands.
LINCOLN
C’mon now, fess up.
More than a few raise their hands.
LINCOLN
So y’all are registering today, right?
They cheer that they are when…
YOUNG BLACK WOMAN
Why don’t you run, Lincoln?
CROWD
Yeah! Lincoln! Lincoln! Lincoln!
Over the wind…
LINCOLN
Nah, nah, now, I’m just here to…
But the wind steals his words as it travels up and up…
INT. CLAY’S HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
-
-
Dev Ross – The first ten pages.
As a former script analyst, I already knew that the first ten pages are crucial. I often didn’t read past the first ten if certain story markers weren’t hit as I had a pile of other scripts to get through. Though I really didn’t learn anything new in this exercise, I enjoyed doing it because it was again a strong reminder of how crucial the first ten pages are.
THE MATRIX
FADE IN:
THE OPENING IS QUITE PROVOCATIVE IN THAT IT SETS UP SOMETHING FAMILIAR – A COMPUTER SCREEN – BUT WITH VOICES HEARD ON A PHONE. THESE VOICES SET UP THAT THEY ARE WATCHING SOMEONE WHO THEY ARE TOLD IS VERY SPECIAL. WE KNOW TRUST IS INVOLVED, THAT THIS IS DANGEROUS AND THAT ONE CHARACTER IS ALREADY QUESTIONING THEIR MOTIVES.
1 ON COMPUTER SCREEN 1
SO CLOSE IT HAS NO BOUNDARIES.
A BLINDING CURSOR PULSES IN THE ELECTRIC DARKNESS LIKE A
HEART COURSING WITH PHOSPHOROUS LIGHT, BURNING BENEATH
THE DERMA OF BLACK-NEON GLASS.
A PHONE BEGINS TO RING, WE HEAR IT AS THOUGH WE WERE
MAKING THE CALL. THE CURSOR CONTINUES TO THROB,
RELENTLESSLY PATIENT, UNTIL —
MAN (V.O.)
YEAH?
DATA NOW SLASHES ACROSS THE SCREEN, INFORMATION FLASHING
FASTER THEN WE CAN READ: “CALL TRANS OPT: RECEIVED.
2-19-98 13:24:18 REC:LOG>.”
WOMAN (V.O.)
IS EVERYTHING IN PLACE?
ON SCREEN: “TRACE PROGRAM: RUNNING.”
WE LISTEN TO THE PHONE CONVERSATION AS THOUGH WE WERE ON
A THIRD LINE. THE MAN’S NAME IS CYPHER. THE WOMAN,
TRINITY.
TRINITY (WOMANV.O.)
I SAID, IS EVERYTHING IN PLACE?
THE ENTIRE SCREEN WITH RACING COLUMNS OF NUMBERS.
SIMMERING LIKE GREEN-ELECTRIC RIVERS, THEY RUSH AT A
10-DIGIT PHONE NUMBER IN THE TOP CORNER.
CYPHER (MANV.O.)
YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO RELIEVE ME.
TRINITY (V.O.)
I KNOW BUT I FELT LIKE TAKING A SHIFT.
THE AREA CODE IS IDENTIFIED. THE FIRST THREE NUMBERS
SUDDENLY FIXED, LEAVING ONLY SEVEN FLOWING COLUMNS.
CYPHER (V.O.)
YOU LIKE HIM, DON’T YOU? YOU LIKE WATCHING HIM?
WE BEGIN MOVING TOWARD THE SCREEN, CLOSING IN AS EACH
DIGIT IS MATCHED, ONE BY ONE, SNAPPING INTO PLACE LIKE
THE WHEELS OF A SLOT MACHINE.
(CONTINUED)
1 CONTINUED: 1
TRINITY (V.O.)
DON’T BE RIDICULOUS.
CYPHER (V.O.)
WE’RE GOING TO KILL HIM. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? HE’S GOING TO DIE JUST LIKE THE OTHERS.
TRINITY (V.O.)
MORPHEUS BELIEVES HE IS THE ONE.
ONLY TWO THIN DIGITS LEFT.
CYPHER (V.O.)
DO YOU?
TRINITY (V.O.)
I… IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I BELIEVE.
CYPHER (V.O.)
YOU DON’T, DO YOU?
TRINITY (V.O.)
IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, I SUGGEST YOU SAY IT TO MORPHEUS.
CYPHER (V.O.)
I INTEND TO, BELIEVE ME. SOMEONE HAS TO.
THE FINAL NUMBER POPS INTO PLACE —
TRINITY (V.O.)
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
CYPHER (V.O.)
HEAR WHAT?
ON SCREEN: “TRACE COMPLETE. CALL ORIGIN: #312-555-
0690.
TRINITY (V.O.)
ARE YOU SURE THIS LINE IS CLEAN?
CYPHER (V.O.)
YEAH, ‘COURSE I’M SURE.
WE MOVE STILL CLOSER, THE ELECTRIC HUM OF THE GREEN
NUMBERS GROWING INTO AN OMINOUS ROAR.
TRINITY (V.O.)
I BETTER GO.
CCONTINUED)
THE MATRIX – REV. 3/9/98 3.
CONTINUED: (2) 1
HE HANGS UP AS WE PASS THROUGH THE NUMBERS, ENTERING THE
NETHER WORLD OF THE COMPUTER SCREEN. SUDDENLY, A FLASHLIGHT CUTS OPEN THE DARKNESS AND WE FIND OURSELVES IN —
THIS MARKS THE THIRD PAGE WHERE WE GET A BIG TWIST. WHERE WE START IN A TECH WORLD, WE ARE NOW IN A WORLD REMINISCIENT OF THE FIFTIES AND SIXITIES. TYPICAL COP AND FBI RELATIONSHIP. PUT DOWNS ALL AROUND. IN MOMENTS WE WILL FEEL SOMETHING VERY ODD. WE ARE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE.
2 INT. HEART O’ THE CITY HOTEL – NIGHT 2
THE HOTEL WAS ABANDONED AFTER A FIRE LICKED ITS WAY
ACROSS THE POLYESTER CARPETING, DESTROYING SEVERAL ROOMS
AS IT SPOOLED SOOT UP THE WALLS AND CEILING, LEAVING
PATTERNS OF PERMANENT SHADOW.
WE FOLLOW FOUR ARMED POLICE OFFICERS USING FLASHLIGHTS AS
THEY CREEP DOWN THE BLACKENED HALL AND READY THEMSELVES
ON EITHER SIDE OF ROOM 303.
THE BIGGEST OF THEM VIOLENTLY KICKS IN THE DOOR. THE OTHER
COPS POUR IN BEHIND HIM, GUNS THRUST BEFORE THEM.
BIG COP
POLICE! FREEZE!
THE ROOM IS ALMOST DEVOID OF FURNITURE. THERE IS A FOLDUP TABLE AND CHAIR WITH A PHONE, A MODEM, AND A POWERBOOK
COMPUTER. THE ONLY LIGHT IN THE ROOM IS THE GLOW OF THE
COMPUTER.
SITTING THERE, HER HANDS STILL ON THE KEYBOARD, IS
TRINITY; A WOMAN IN BLACK LEATHER.
BIG COP
HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD! NOW! DO
IT!
SHE SLOWLY PUTS HER HANDS BEHIND HER HEAD.
3 EXT. HEART O’ THE CITY HOTEL – NIGHT 3
A BLACK SEDAN WITH TINTED WINDOWS GLIDES IN THROUGH THE
POLICE CRUISERS. AGENT SMITH, AGENT BROWN, AND AGENT
JONES GET OUT OF THE CAR.
THEY WEAR DARK SUITS AND SUNGLASSES EVEN AT NIGHT. THEY
ARE ALSO ALWAYS HARDWIRED; SMALL SECRET SERVICE EARPHONES
IN ONE EAR, THE CORD COILING BACK INTO THEIR SHIRT
COLLARS.
AGENT SMITH
LIEUTENANT?
LIEUTENANT
OH SHIT.
(CONTINUED)
THE MATRIX – REV. 3/9/98 4.
3 CONTINUED: 3
AGENT SMITH
LIEUTENANT, YOU WERE GIVEN
SPECIFIC ORDERS —
LIEUTENANT
I’M JUST DOING MY JOB. YOU GIMME
THAT JURIS-MY DICK-TION AND YOU
CAN CRAM IT UP YOUR ASS.
AGENT SMITH
THE ORDERS WERE FOR YOUR
PROTECTION.
THE LIEUTENANT LAUGHS.
LIEUTENANT
I THINK WE CAN HANDLE ONE LITTLE
GIRL.
AGENT SMITH NODS TO AGENT BROWN AS THEY START TOWARD THE
HOTEL.
LIEUTENANT
I SENT TWO UNITS. THEY’RE
BRINGING HER DOWN NOW.
AGENT SMITH
NO, LIEUTENANT, YOUR MEN ARE
ALREADY DEAD.
4 INT. HEART O’ THE CITY HOTEL 4
THE BIG COP FLICKS OUT HIS CUFFS, THE OTHER COPS HOLDING
A BEAD. THEY’VE DONE THIS A HUNDRED TIMES, THEY KNOW
THEY’VE GOT HER, UNTIL THE BIG COP REACHES WITH THE CUFFS
AND TRINITY MOVES —
IT ALMOST DOESN’T REGISTER, SO SMOOTH AND FAST, INHUMANLY
FAST.
THE EYE BLINKS AND TRINITY’S PALM SNAPS UP AND THE NOSE
EXPLODES, BLOOD ERUPTING. HER LEG KICKS WITH THE FORCE
OF A WRECKING BALL AND HE FLIES BACK, A TWO-HUNDRED-FIFTY
POUND SACK OF LIMP MEAT AND BONE THAT SLAMS INTO THE COP
FARTHEST FROM HER.
TRINITY MOVES AGAIN, BULLETS RAKING THE WALLS,
FLASHLIGHTS SWEEPING WITH PANIC AS THE REMAINING COPS TRY
TO STOP A LEATHER-CLAD GHOST.
A GUN STILL IN THE COP’S HAND IS SNATCHED, TWISTED, AND
FIRED. THERE IS A FINAL VIOLENT EXCHANGE OF GUNFIRE AND
WHEN IT’S OVER, TRINITY IS THE ONLY ONE STANDING.
(CONTINUED)
THE MATRIX – REV. 3/9/98 5.
4 CONTINUED: 4
A FLASHLIGHT ROCKS SLOWLY TO A STOP.
TRINITY
SHIT.
5 EXT. HEART O’ THE CITY HOTEL 5
AGENT BROWN ENTERS THE HOTEL WHILE AGENT SMITH HEADS FOR
THE ALLEY.
6 INT. HEART O’ THE CITY HOTEL 6
TRINITY IS ON THE PHONE, PACING. THE OTHER END IS
ANSWERED.
MAN (V.O.)
OPERATOR.
TRINITY
MORPHEUS! THE LINE WAS TRACED! I
INCITING INCIDENT – THERE IS A TRAITOR AND THEY’VE BEEN GIVEN UP. THIS IS LIFE AND DEATH.
DON’T KNOW HOW.
MORPHEUS (MANV.O.)
I KNOW. THEY CUT THE HARDLINE.
THIS LINE IS NOT A VIABLE EXIT.
TRINITY
ARE THERE ANY AGENTS?
MORPHEUS (V.O.)
YES.
TRINITY
GODDAMNIT!
MORPHEUS (V.O.)
YOU HAVE TO FOCUS. THERE IS A
PHONE. WELLS AND LAKE. YOU CAN
MAKE IT.
SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH, CENTERING HERSELF.
TRINITY
ALL RIGHT —
MORPHEUS (V.O.)
GO.
SHE DROPS THE PHONE
BY PAGE TEN WE KNOW THAT THERE ARE GOVERNMENT FORCES TRYING TO STOP A NEW LEADER FROM ARISING AND WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO CATCH HIM.
-
Cameron,
Since I’m late to the party, I’ll be brief. I really like your ending – a lot. For me, there is an expectation that father and son will have much to do in the future together (sequels!!!) in order to stop the Hegemony but – until then – they have found something solid and deep for themselves. In short, heal yourself, heal the world. If this was a prescient view of our future, knowing that the ones who work to save humanity have already done the hard work on themselves, would assure me a lot more confidence in a future.
I love sci-fi and I really, really like this story!
Dev
-
Thanks, June!
Yes, Adam Spencer does appear a few times in the story as he gains influence but the main focus stays on Clay Caine and Lincoln Able. I’m still putting the pieces together as this writing scenes out of order for me really wreaked havoc. As much as I attempt to be organized and keep everything labeled, I suck at it.
Were you ever a script analyst? I was and I have to tell you, you rock it with your notes. I’m rather dependent on you!
Looking forward to your ten pages!
Dev
-
June,
I’m with you the whole way on this story until we reach the CLIMAX.
4. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>I believe there is just too much story here, much of which feels like it belongs in the Second Act. What I’m most interested in is Roy and Kim and how they aid each other in getting their lives together – together. Might not the ACT THREE begin with Roy finding Kim<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>? Once there, he risks PTSD to tell her his truth. Together, they are a creative force to stop Brian, Ingrid and Oren. It feels like a lot happens because Kim’s letters finally arrive. Could this happen more actively? Can Kim and Roy take the action to deliver the letters? Since the climax is so close to the ending of the story, it confuses me that Kim escapes again. Seems she’s regressed just when she and Roy should be headlong into bringing all to the surface. Just my thoughts, and as always, love your story.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Dev
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>I’m sure in script this will all happen much faster but reading it here, it seems to me that the climax is long in coming and is too dependent on other people.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Act Three Kim goes to the hospital to ask Suzy about Roy. Marilyn recognizes Kim and presses her to pet sit. Kim learns that Marilyn’s woes are her fault. Kim can’t bear herself. She’s guilted into pet sitting. Suzy will show her the ropes. While she’s pet sitting, Roy learns where Kim is and goes to Marilyn’s to find Kim. <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>They hook up.
Kim finds Roy’s medal and he risks PTSD to tell her why they gave it to him. Kim meets the lawyer, Denny. Meanwhile, Kim’s letters, aka whistleblowing, have reached the bank and Federal authorities, Brian and Ingrid’s co-conspirator, Oren, is caught and tells all about Brian and Ingrid. Kim and Roy sneak Marilyn’s dogs into the hospital to visit her. Marilyn meets Roy, finally. Kim confesses about Marilyn’s car. Marilyn isn’t buying it, but Kim leaves Roy with Marilyn and the dogs and escapes. Kim asks Suzy for (divulged later) the lawyer’s contact info. Roy, alone in Marilyn’s house with the dogs, hates being without Kim. He asks Suzy if she knows where Kim is.
-
Kate,
Reading this I wanna scream out: “Ivanka! Ivanka! Ivanka!” Seeing what just transpired between her, Ivanka, and her villainous father recently makes the scene with Nia and Dar all the more potent. A child can’t remake a parent over in the image they’ve imagined no matter what. I was carried along with it until it came to the FLASHBACK where Dar is with his wife. Flashbacks are tricky and can be too explainy or stop the action of the prior scene. In this case, I was so into the relationship of Nia and her father that his going into FLASHBACK stopped the momentum between them for me. I’m wondering if there can be bits and pieces of this flashback sprinkled in through-out the story with the pieces finally coming together at the end. The only other piece I question is seeing Dar write the letter. Perhaps we see him take that last drink of wine… and then, behind closed doors, hear the gun go off. For me, it would tell me in an action, what he would not say out loud. Just a thought…
Really compelling story!
Dev
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Michael,
What I love most is the intense contrast between your opening-heartfelt, compassionate, to your ending where Waldo has – through his traumatic experiences- comes to the place of destroying all life. There is such an incredible arc that flows through this piece! As some have already stated, it is hard to see all of Waldo’s emotional and, subsequent rational through a simple outline, but I sense you know how to fill it out quite well! I absolutely love what this story says – at least to me. When one chooses a path that is heroic, one that will altruistically help the world, but is ultimately struck down by that same world over and over, it’s such a fascinating choice to see that hero slowly descend into becoming villainous. I loved that choice in BREAKING BAD and I love it here. I look forward to reading this in script version. Great job.
Dev
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Kate,
Thanks for your comments. Yes, both wives die in both versions of these men’s lives -and as it turns out, both are responsible for those deaths. I indicate it with Nubia at the hospital with the heart monitor going beeeep…. I see now that I need to make it clearer- thanks!
-
DEV ROSS – DAY 9 – Writing great endings.
What I learned is how every time I rethought my ending, how the rest of my story underwent so many changes! I have my work cut out for me as I now go back and rework story points and even more set ups. Writing is re-writing!
SET UP:
STRING THEORY of multi-universes…
CLAY CAINE is a fading KKK leader who struggles to regain his former power and influence as a younger, more charismatic white supremacist, ADAM SPENCER, has captured the nation’s attention. Clay’s marriage is failing, climate disturbances are increasing, and a new black leader is arising.
Pushing toward the First Turning Point, a cross is burned on his lawn because his daughter gets pregnant by her black boyfriend.
FIRST TURNING POINT:
Clay interrupts increasingly odd weather events as a sign from God that he can regain his power if he murders rising Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE.
CRISIS
Clay can’t accept the truth about his sister’s rape by black men, and his own half-black heritage.
CLIMAX:
As the two multi-verse worlds collide and, as a result, are dying, Clay finally realizes that there is another version of himself that has existed in another world – Black Leader Lincoln Able. (We’ve already learned that Lincoln is half white.)
RESOLUTION:
In the strings of the multi-verse, a new world is birthed that is free of racism.
LAST PAGE: Another world is also birthed – one where white supremacist ADAM SPENCER is President.
LAST TEN PAGES:
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln drives his wife toward home.
LINCOLN
So, I’m taking us home?
NUBIA
Of course. Where else?
LINCOLN
I thought maybe… church.
NUBIA
Church?
LINCOLN
Their evening service. If that’s what you want.
NUBIA
What I want is my baby. What I want is to not have some crazy ass white man trying to kill you. What I want is for us to live our lives in peace! Is that too much to want? Because I certainly don’t want all this crazy shit!
LINCOLN
Nubie…
NUBIA
If you ever do go back to church, you do it for you, not for me.
Lincoln places his hand on hers.
LINCOLN
Nubie. I just wanted to say that – I got you. Baby, I got you.
She covers his hand with his, then behind them–
A SHIMMER — Out of which comes a car so fast in moments it’s collided with their rear bumper.
LINCOLN
What the hell?!
Lincoln looks in his rearview mirror. It’s Clay, who swerves around them – their eyes meeting – and then speeds ahead.
EXT. LINCOLN’S CAR – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln lurches his vehicle to the side of the road, gets out of the car…
NUBIA
What are you doing? Lincoln!
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
He runs around to the passenger side, opens the door.
LINCOLN
Get out!
NUBIA
What? No!
Lincoln reaches in, yanks her out.
LINCOLN
GET OUT!
With Nubia out of the car, he climbs back in and speeds away.
NUBIA
Lincoln! Lincoln!!
Exasperated, she lets out a wail and then staggers in the direction of home.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS – MOMENTS LATER – NIGHT
Lincoln’s vehicle speeds after Clay’s, follows his car as it screeches around corners.
A SHIMMER.
Lincoln makes a sharp turn after Clay, but– the street is empty. No sign of Clay.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln drives slowly, looking, searching…
EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Nubia arrives in her neighborhood, or what she thought was her neighborhood. She’s stands in the middle of the street. Where the hell is she?
Then– a SHIMMER. She turns towards it when out of it comes another car, Lincoln’s car…
Lincoln’s face contorts. He slams on the brakes. The SCREECH, deafening. The THUD, sickening.
He gets out of his car, runs to his wife’s broken body.
LINCOLN
Oh God! Nubia!
Lincoln kneels over her body.
LINCOLN
Nubia! Somebody! Help!
He pulls out his phone to dial 911 when–
A SHIMMER
EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBOORHOOD – NIGHT
Lincoln still kneels in the street but — there’s no Nubia. Just an empty street and his still running car. He stumbles back to it, drives off.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
LINCOLN
Okay… Okay… Just get home. Fuck! I’m losing it!
He turns down a street that should be his – but it isn’t.
LINCOLN
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBOORHOOD – CONTINUOUS
He pulls up to what should be his house when–
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln sees Clay, armed with more rounds of ammo, get into his car and drive off.
Lincoln follows.
EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln speeds toward Clay…
LINCOLN
Fuck, yeah, I’m crazy.
…RAMS his bumper.
INT. CLAY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Clay jerks forward. Smiles, guns it.
EXT. CLAY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
He barrels ahead.
EXT. STREETS HEADING INTO DOWNTOWN – NIGHT
The cars tear through a downtown once fueled by cotton. Boarded up shops, derelict houses, and the near ghosts of that past that are all that’s left behind.
A TOOTHLESS OLD BLACK MAN pushing a hobbled shopping cart full of recyclable aluminum cans, watches the cars screech out of town towards the distant COTTON MILL – a humongous dinosaur frozen in the past.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD OUTSIDE OF TOWN – CONTINUOUS
The cars beeline down the road toward the abandoned COTTON MILL.
INT. CLAY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Clay checks his rearview mirror, sees Lincoln’s car surging toward him. He casts his eyes ahead to see a huge POTHOLE rapidly approaching. He swerves hard, too hard, loses control and rolls his car. In seconds, he’s out of it and running across a grassy plain toward the abandon mill.
Lincoln’s car jerks to a stop behind Clay’s. He jumps out of his car, the motor still running, and runs in pursuit.
EXT. GRASSY FIELD/ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
Clay plows through the field of grass towards, rapidly approaching the mill.
Lincoln getting winded, slows.
LINCOLN
Stop! All I wanna do is talk!
He pulls out a HANDGUN, loads it.
Meanwhile, Clay finds a door he can wrest open and heads inside.
The door, open wide, starts its slow, cranky journey back to being shut.
Lincoln heads toward the mill, ENTERS through the still slowly closing door…
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Nubia’s broken body is pushed into the white glare behind the Emergency Room doors…
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln lingers in the light streaming in from the broken roof.
LINCOLN
Come out and face me!
He turns, looking for him through the filtered light.
LINCOLN
You can’t just try and kill me and not tell me why!
No answer.
LINCOLN
Or are you some kind of crazed racist son of a bitch?
Clay’s voice echoes from every part of the room.
CLAY (O.S.)
(Reciting from Proverbs)
“Rash words are like sword thrusts.”
Lincoln instinctively gets low, searches the room…
LINCOLN
But they sure can stir up a crowd, am I right?
…slipping through the rows of old processing equipment.
Again, Clay’s words reverberate…
CLAY (O.S.)
“Everyone who hears my words and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.’
LINCOLN
That’s Matthew 7:24? You a preacher? I do know the bible. It seems you’re twisting it.
There’s a CLATTER. Lincoln spins and fires at it, misses the bird that flaps off.
LINCOLN
Sorry! Sorry about that. I’m just scared. I imagine you are too. But you know, we can both choose to change what’s happening here.
The heavy door they entered through finally shuts, bringing more darkness. The cold of it sinks into Lincoln, forcing him deeper into his convictions. He spots a wall of debris and quickly, gun ready, checks behind it.
LINCOLN
We just have to be willing! Right?
Nothing. He moves on.
LINCOLN
Show yourself and we can talk about it.
Clay’s voice drips with sarcasm.
CLAY (O.S.)
And you won’t shoot me.
LINCOLN
I promise not to. I swear.
A small piece of roof comes CRASHING down.
Lincoln spins and fires at it, instantly regrets it.
CLAY (O.S.)
Guess you lied. But then you can’t help it. It’s the weakness of your race.
Lincoln swallows that burn. The long-time chip on his shoulder weighs heavy. He’s struggles against it.
LINCOLN
You know, scientifically speaking, there is only one race.
CLAY (O.S.)
And there’s only one truth, the Bible, which says there’s a place for your kind in God’s order.
Like bile, his bitterness rises…
LINCOLN
And would that be ‘second place?’
Clay nimbly moves from the shadows, his gun already pointed at Lincoln.
CLAY
Yes, it would.
He fires.
Lincoln dodges.
Clay keeps firing – in all directions.
CLAY
Extinguish the flame, stop the fire!
His rapid firing causes more roof to rattle loose and fall. Clay ducks out of the way and then stops to listen. Silence. He smiles, sure that Lincoln’s dead when…
A SHIMMER PASSES… leaving Lincoln directly in Clay’s purview. Lincoln’s squat down in hiding, his back to Clay. A sitting duck.
Clay takes aim…
ANOTHER SHIMMER and– Lincoln’s gone. Clay screams his frustration. He rampages through the plant looking for Lincoln – kicking, shoving, shooting at anything in his way. More of the dilapidated building crumbles…
INT. HOSPITAL – CONTINUOUS
Lights flicker and the building shakes as DOCTORS and NURSES work on Nubia. The lights come back on, but the room is still except for the continuous one note bleat of the heart monitor. Nubia’s gone.
INT. COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
LINCOLN (O.S.)
You know…
Clay spins around to face Lincoln.
LINCOLN
I never thought I could do something like this.
Lincoln aims his gun at him.
LINCOLN
Kill a man. I guess I have you to thank for that.
CLAY
I’m not afraid. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” I’m right and I’ll never stop.
Lincoln grimaces at the quote’s misuse. He re-aims but struggles. His hands shake.
LINCOLN
You’re insane.
CLAY
The world’s insane. I’m just trying to—
A SHIMMER passes, distorting their words.
CLAY
(Distorted)
Try–ing to—
Lincoln’s desperately trying to understand.
LINCOLN
(Distorted)
Try-ing–to–whhh-at–?
The building groans. More ceiling falls to reveal SHIMMERS passing over one another in the night sky…
EXT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
…like flat ocean waves signaling the tide coming in, toppling over one another to be the first to reach the shore.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
With the shimmers quickening, and the building continuing to lose pieces of itself, Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts become disembodied, broken up, elongated until they become a sound miasma – all while firing upon one another as they appear, disappear along with the SHIMMERS.
A huge, multi-colored SHIMMER passes, leaving the men facing each other like gunfighters. Then–
Lincoln blinks, suddenly regaining a piece of his old self. He looks at the gun in his hand as if seeing it for the first time.
LINCOLN
No… This isn’t me. What’s happening?
Clay shows nothing.
Lincoln suddenly lowers his gun.
LINCOLN
Did you know my father was white?
Clay steps back, suddenly out of balance.
CLAY
That still makes you black.
LINCOLN
I hated him.
CLAY
I hated mine.
LINCOLN
So, we have stuff in common. Maybe more than you’re willing to admit.
CRACK! The cotton mill continues its slow breakdown.
Clay uses that to retrieve his gun, aim it at Lincoln.
CLAY
It changes nothing.
LINCOLN
I’ve got to hand it to you. I’m wavering here but not you.
But for a second Clay does. He wavers. Lincoln sees that — and the SHIMMER that’s kicking up. Not about to lose the chance that may be his last, he lifts his gun. BAM! The SHIMMER washes over them, slowing his bullet as Clay fires too. BAAAAM! BAAAAM!
The SLO-MO bullets head to each other through the prolonged SHIMMER. Finally, they strike their targets, first Clay, second Lincoln.
A beat then…
Both men sink to their knees, doing so simultaneously, a mirrored image of each other.
Clay looks at Lincoln, his own face rippling across Lincoln’s. Finally, he realizes…
CLAY
You’re me. You’ve always been me.
A tide of SHIMMERS passes over the two who become one — their faces changing into each other over and over until a single body falls face first – smack into the warehouse floor. In the shadows and darkness, it’s impossible to tell which man it is.
EXT. SPACE
The multi-verse strands resonate like harp strings as the two damaged strands vibrate faster and faster until they are wholly merged and become one…
EXT. EVERYTOWN NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
A beautiful blend of Clay’s and Lincoln’s neighborhoods only bathed in vivid colors.
Emmy and Hakeem stroll with their baby as a potpourri of people warmly express their greetings.
MRS. ROCHE (Eli’s Grandmother) stops to admire the baby.
MRS. ROCHE
What a beautiful baby boy! What’s his name?
Emmy smiles.
EMMY
Eli.
Mrs. Roche mentally chews on the name.
MRS. ROCHE
Eli? Well, congratulations you two.
As the couple thanks her and moves on…
EXT. SPACE – ON STRINGS
The multi-verse strands stir until they’re humming and vibrating at such a force, in a burst of light, they give birth to a new string…
INT. WHITE HOUSE – ROOM ADJACENT TO OVAL OFFICE – DAY
Cameras are set up and a PRODUCTION CREW scurries around preparing to shoot.
The DIRECTOR, wearing headsets and at her monitor gives a thumbs-up to the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR who nods then EXITS through a side door…
INT. OVAL OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
The Assistant Director approaches the Resolute Desk which is blocked by HAIR and MAKE-UP people who attend the figure sitting behind it. The back of the room is filled with cameras and their OPERATORS, and a SOUND ENGINEER.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Are you ready, Mr. President?
Hair and Make-up busily touch up the unseen President who sits behind the desk.
PRESIDENT ADAM SPENCER (O.S.)
(Jovially)
I’m ready.
The CAMERAMAN and SOUND ENGINEER begin…
CAMERAWOMAN
Rolling.
SOUND ENGINEER
Speed.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
And we’re in on five…four…three…two… And–
The Assistant Director nods at the PRESIDENT.
PRESIDENT ADAM SPENCER
My fellow Americans…
He pauses, but only to give America his big college boy smile…
FADE OUT:
-
Dev Ross – FINAL LINE
What I learned: By adding this final line – just as an exercise – I found that it really did lead my character to a fuller arc. He finally realized his folly. I think the line will stay.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
With the shimmers quickening, and the building continuing to lose pieces of itself, Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts become disembodied, broken up, elongated until they become a sound miasma – all while firing upon one another as they appear, disappear along with the SHIMMERS.
A huge, multi-colored SHIMMER passes, leaving the men facing each other like gunfighters. Then–
Lincoln blinks, suddenly remembering a piece of his old self. He looks at the gun in his hand as if seeing it for the first time.
LINCOLN
No… This isn’t right. This isn’t me.
Clay shows nothing.
Lincoln claws back at who he once was…
LINCOLN
Did you know my father was white?
Lincoln just put a claw into Clay, who steps back, suddenly out of balance.
CLAY
You’re still black.
LINCOLN
I hated him.
CLAY
I hated mine.
LINCOLN
So, we have stuff in common. Maybe more than you’re willing to admit.
CRACK! The cotton mill continues its slow breakdown.
CLAY
It changes nothing.
LINCOLN
I’ve got to hand it to you. I’m wavering here but not you.
But for a second Clay does. He wavers.
Lincoln sees that — and the SHIMMER that’s kicking up. Not about to lose the chance that might be his last, he fires! BAM! But the SHIMMER washes over them, slowing his bullets. Clay fires too. BAAAAM! BAAAAM!
The SLO-MO bullets head to each other through the prolonged SHIMMER. Finally, they strike their targets, first Clay, second Lincoln.
A beat then…
Both men sink to their knees, doing so simultaneously, a mirrored image of each other.
Clay looks at Lincoln, and for the first time, truly and painfully, finally sees…
CLAY
You’re me. You’ve always been me.
A tide of SHIMMERS passes over the two who become one — their faces changing into each other over and over until a single body falls face first – smack into the warehouse floor. In the shadows and darkness, it’s impossible to tell which man it is.
-
DEV ROSS – DAY 6 – FINAL PAGE
What I learned – again – is that by applying these different types of endings, my story’s ending went through enormous changes. Not sure if what I have now will stay but it’s a strong start and a commitment now to the story that will ultimately reach this ending.
A. The Setup / Payoff final page.
– In the opening, I have Adam Spencer come on as the possible antagonist. He really isn’t. But by setting up that he wants to be the next WHITE LEADER – because the new must replace the old. Clay doing everything he can though-out the story to prevent that. However, on the last page we realize that everything Clay has done has completely enabled Spencer to become the President of the United States.
B. The Contrast final page.
– Set up that Lincoln wants to resolve problem peacefully and gets Clay to agree. Emmy shows up and accuses her father of killing her mother. When Clay can’t excuse his way out of it – SHE DIDN’T BELIEVE IN ME, Emmy goes off on her father and he kills her. Lincoln kills Clay.
C. The Climax/Resolution final page.
– I believe that would happen after both Clay and Lincoln have killed each other. We think there will be a new strand created, a world of peace and it is. But then another strand evolves, one where Adam Spencer is in power.
D. The “Something good is going to come out of this mess” final page.
– This would resolve with both men killing each other. By this act, the next strand is able to evolve – and that is a world devoid of racial hatred.
E. The “One last gesture” final page.
– Emmy finds Eli at her house. He’s looking for Clay. Eli discovers that she’s alone. His Grandmother says she can stay with them. Emmy’s father did a good thing for Eli, now she’ll do something for his daughter.
F. The Shock final page
– After discovering her mother’s body, Emmy tracks down her father and kills him before Lincoln can. The police show up and kill Lincoln because they think she’s threatening Emmy. This produces Spencer’s world.
LAST PAGE:
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
With the SHIMMERS quickening, and the building shedding pieces of itself, Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts become disembodied, broken up, elongated until they become a sound miasma – all while firing upon one another as they appear, disappear along with the SHIMMERS.
A huge, multi-colored SHIMMER passes, leaving the men facing each other like gunfighters. Then–
Lincoln suddenly regains a piece of his old self, looks at the gun in his hand as if seeing it for the first time.
LINCOLN
No… It shouldn’t end this way.
Clay shows nothing.
CLAY
It’s the only way.
Lincoln claws back at who he once was…
LINCOLN
Did you know my father was white?
Lincoln just put a claw into Clay, who steps back, suddenly out of balance.
CLAY
You’re still black.
LINCOLN
I hated him.
CLAY
I hated mine.
LINCOLN
Maybe we have more in common than you’re willing to admit.
CRACK! The cotton mill continues its slow breakdown.
CLAY
Nothing’s changed.
LINCOLN
I’ve got to hand it to you. I’m wavering here but not you.
But for a second Clay does. Lincoln sees that — and the SHIMMER that’s kicking up. Not about to lose the chance that might be his last, he fires! The SHIMMER washes over them, slowing his bullets — BAAAAM! BAAAAM. In that time, Clay fires too. BAAAAM! BAAAAM!
The SLO-MO bullets head to each other through the prolonged SHIMMER. Finally, they strike their targets, first Clay, second Lincoln.
A beat then…
Both men sink to their knees, doing so simultaneously, a mirrored image of each other.
A tide of SHIMMERS passes over the two who become one — their faces changing into each other over and over until a single body falls face first – smack into the warehouse floor. In the shadows and darkness, it’s impossible to tell which man it is.
EXT. SPACE
The multi-verse strands resonate like harp strings as the two damaged strands vibrate faster and faster until they are wholly merged and become one…
EXT. EVERYTOWN NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
A beautiful blend of Clay’s and Lincoln’s neighborhoods only bathed in vivid color.
Emmy and her BLACK HUSBAND stroll with their baby passed an array of different kinds of people, all who express warm greetings.
MRS. ROCHE (Eli’s Grandmother) stops to admire the baby.
MRS. ROCHE
What a beautiful baby boy! What’s his name?
Emmy smiles.
EMMY
Eli.
MRS. ROCHE
Eli? Well, congratulations you two.
As the couple thanks her and moves on…
EXT. SPACE – ON STRINGS
The multi-verse strands stir until they’re humming and vibrating at such a force, in a burst of light they give birth to a new string…
INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM – DAY
A crowded room of reporters wait anxiously as the White House’s Press Secretary, former White Supremacist leader Adam Spencer, steps to the podium.
ADAM SPENCER
Good morning, everyone. Naturally, the President has anticipated your questions over her sudden policy changes, so please, allow me to address your concerns… excuse me, questions.
And as reporters fire questions, Adam Spencer can’t help but smile his perfect school-boy smile…
FADE OUT:
-
DEV ROSS – DAY 6 – RULES!
What I learned is by continuing to challenge my story with each new lesson, I find something. It might just be one line of dialogue or the discovery that I have a scene in the wrong place. But each time makes me dig deeper into character, strengthen motive, and more clearly define intentions.
RULE 5 – Don’t go on the nose:
In the beginning of my third act, I currently have a scene where Lincoln drives his wife, Nubia, home from the hospital after a miscarriage. At first my dialogue reflected her hurt and blame, and his contriteness and sorrow. That is still there but these feelings are now revealed by their discussion about going to church.
RULE 6 – The climax must be set in the quintessential location for the conflict.
To this end, I re-thought about having their final confrontation take place in an old, abandoned cotton mill. I placed them back at a rally – as in the beginning – but it didn’t have the one on one, stuck with each other with no way out feel. I also tried the old tried and true warehouse but that was just too easy and too familiar. Under a bridge, tearing through their city of haves and have nots. None of these resonated. I went back to the mill and found it did all the more. Our country built on cotton and, often, on the backs of the blacks. The mill abandoned like so much of what America once was. The desolation of that past, the poverty of mind, spirit and body it left behind. Staying with Cotton mill.
RULE 7 – Must keep us guessing to the very end.
1. I have Lincoln appear open to talking their conflict out.
2. Will the building collapse before they resolve their problem?
3. Clay appears to soften and want another way out.
4. Cops bearing down on them…
-
DEV ROSS – DAY 5 – Setting Up Your Endings Powerfully
What I learned is how powerful and crucial set-ups are to maintain interest in story.
A. Build their Reputation: In Clay’s first scene with his dwindling Klan members, establish that he’s always been successful, always. Time is on their side.
B. Justification for final actions: The shimmers and changes, Clay believes, are signs from heaven that he must fix the world. He believes as soon as he kills Lincoln, the shimmers will stop.
C. Cast doubt on the success of the final actions: Clay can’t find Lincoln who seems to be growing and soon matching him in power and hate. Lincoln seems one step ahead of him.
D. Discuss the actions openly: Add Clay discussing with his sister what he’s going to do.
E. Twists that take it away: Clay kills his wife. This brings into question everything he believes. He questions himself. He’ll stop. Turn himself in when Lincoln spots him. Maybe he’ll be on way to police when Lincoln spots him.
F. Alternate Hope/Fear: Hope-Hannah finally stands up to Clay. Fear-Clay kills her. Hope-Nubia gets Lincoln to doctor for tests. Fear-Lincoln throws her out of the car. Hope-Emmy thinks because she’s lost the baby her dad will take her back. Fear-He throws her out. Hope-Clay reaches for his sister’s approval. Fear-She tells him the truth, further setting him off. Hope-Lincoln seems to come to his senses before he kills Clay. Fear-Clay brings him right back to murder.
G. Create and set up emotional payoffs: Clay and Hannah over their sex life. Emmy over her baby. Clay and Elijah.
H. Suspense around the outcome: The random shimmers make the outcome a crapshoot. Lincoln appears to be changing back to his pacificist self, making it impossible for him to kill Clay. The building is collapsing. It could kill them before they kill each other.
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Dev Ross – KICK ASS ENDINGS
What I learned doing this assignment is that once trying it on, it – like so many of the other exercises – gave me a much broader sense of how I can accomplish the end of my story. I was sure I wouldn’t change my original ending and now I’m not so sure! And, of course, each new ending adds new layers to characters.
1. THE ULTIMATE CONFRONTATION would have to work by me effectively treating the Caine/Able connection as a more psychological one – where one personality would finally win out over the other, much like in stories of people with multiple personalities. To do that, Lincoln Able would win the gun fight with Caine but not after being horribly wounded, look like he’s going to die, and then having an almost miraculous revival. Think MATRIX after Neo is overcome in his fight with all the agents. Lincoln would have to draw energy from his other personality and use it to fuel his comeback in order to ultimately kill his other half. Think Matrix
2. RETURN HOME, ONLY it is Different would be an extension of the above. After killing Clay, Lincoln would go back to his world and lead his followers even more effectively because he had killed the hate residing deep within himself. I could show this by him finally accompanying his wife to church. He would no longer have his strong aversion to it and be able to support his wife in going. Think first Star Wars.
3. END WITH A FUTURE – here I would have Caine return home, reject his white supremacy and turn himself in. IN JAIL, I’d have him work with other haters to get them to see the light. Think Doc on hate.
4. MAJOR LAYER UNCOVERED is where I’m going now with my ending. Revealing the two characters are really the opposite side of each other existing in a parallel world. With their truth revealed and destroyed, their revenge/hate/self-righteous cycle is removed and the two worlds re-invent one another. The twist comes when one is loving, the other is hateful. Each one completely so. THINK Likely Suspects
5. GOOD GUY WINS AFTER MUCH PAIN AND RISK – this would also greatly change the meaning of my story. This would take on: there is a good and bad wolf in each of us. It’s who we feed. If Lincoln’s side of the personality is always losing ground – meaning his work, his family, and his self-esteem, the last fight would have to be a doozy. It would be Caine tracking him to the plant. Lincoln’s come back would be brutal but successful by a hair. WIZARD OF OZ
6. GREAT PROTAGONIST STRATEGY – I would have Lincoln beaten down, losing all support from others and belief in himself. When he sees Caine randomly shooting black people, it no longer is about him but others. To this end, I’d have him offer himself up to Caine, trading himself so that Caine stops killing other black people I’d also have him finally understand what’s happening as in “Shining Girls.” This way he would have a jump on his pursuer. When Caine is ready to kill him – of course with having his say about why – Lincoln could ask if he could explain his POV. Caine, being basically a fair man just so damaged, would agree. Lincoln would explain what’s happening and how they are both intertwined. Caine would see it for a moment but then reject it. In Caine’s moment of shock and upset, Lincoln could pull out a hidden weapon or use a skill he had learned earlier, and kill Caine. SHINING GIRLS
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Dev Ross – Different Endings
What I learned was that by just conjuring up three different ways of seeing my ending, I came up with additional story beats that will really inform my greater story!
HAPPY ENDING
1. DOWN AT BEGINNING OF ACT THREE
– Shimmers are getting worse. Fabric of universe unraveling…
2. TWIST
– Clay is about to shoot a random black man. Maybe this will suffice. A SHIMMER and LINCOLN comes out of it. Lincoln registers his own shock as his car rams Clay’s. They are now finally face to face.
3. CRISIS
– Nubia is struck down by a car in what she thought was her own neighborhood.
– Night sky is collapsing on itself
– Lincoln pursues Clay
4. CLIMAX
– Clay and Lincoln fight in the Plant. Kill their self.
5. RESOLUTION
– A new world devoid of their race hatred has evolved.
DOWN ENDING
1. UP at beginning of ACT THREE:
– Clay is about to shoot a random black man when Lincoln stops him.
2. TWIST
– Lincoln catches up with Clay, who admits he’s in deeper than he wanted. He wants out. Lincoln offers him that. Before they can resolve, SHIMMER takes Lincoln away. Clay thinks it’s God telling him NO!
3. CLIMAX
– The men fight in plant, kill their own selves.
4. RESOLUTION:
– Their worlds are destroyed by their hate. Two less Strings in the multi-verse
IRONIC ENDING
1. DOWN at BEGINNING OF ACT THREE
– Shimmers are getting worse. Fabric of universe unraveling.
2. TWIST
– Clay is about to shoot a random black man. Lincoln stops him, ramming his car.
3. CRISIS
– Night sky is collapsing on itself. Lincoln pushes wife out of the car to pursue Clay.
4. CLIMAX
– Clay and Lincoln battle, kill their self.
5. RESOLUTION
– A new world devoid of race hatred is birthed.
6. TWIST on ending
– Another world evolves where ADAM SPENCER is declared winner of latest US election.
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Dev Ross – Assignment 2 – 3<sup>rd</sup> Act Structure
What I learned from doing this assignment was that in going back to the outline I created at our onset, I was better able now to see my story and characters unfold and how I am going to consciously set up and build to my third act.
1. What is it that fascinates me about this story? The deep and committed ability for some to believe so much in ‘their truth’ that they are willing to sacrifice others and themselves to prove it.
2. What is the main conflict of this story? To overcome inadequateness/powerlessness/being ineffectual – to regain POWER. Clay Caine believes that by killing Lincoln Able, he will regain favor with his followers and God.
3. What is the main goal of your protagonist? To eliminate the man, he believes is the roadblock to his power. Killing him will put him on top again.
4. What is the character arc of your main characters?
– Caine moves from power to feeling powerless and betrayed, to revenge and the ultimate destruction of self.
– Able goes from love and community to fear, to anger, to revenge.
B.
1. PLOT POINT 2 — A major twist that sends the story towards
its final destination.
Lincoln forces his wife out of the car, which leads to her death. He is now all alone; has nothing left but his revenge.
2. CRISIS — The decision point.
Clay can’t accept the truth about his sister’s ‘rape’ and his own half-black heritage.
3. CLIMAX — Bring the Protagonist face to face with the
Antagonist to face his biggest fear.
The two men battle to kill each other and end up killing themselves.
4. RESOLUTION — Show the effects of the climax and tie up
loose ends.
A new strand in the multi-verse forms that shows totally integration of people.
5. FINAL PAGE — The final minute of the movie.
Another strand forms where ADAM SPENCER – white supremacist becomes President of the USA.
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Dev Ross – Writing Great Endings
I didn’t watch a favorite or even great film but one doing good box office now.
What I learned is how carefully one must set up all the potential story elements so they can be played out significantly – most specially to make the end meaningful and satisfying.
FANTASTIC BEASTS – The Secrets of Dumbledore
Set ups in first two acts:
The most important set-up is the relationship between Albus and Grindelwald. They are lovers who see the worlds very differently. Between them, they have a charm that can turn on either of them if, in the future, either goes up against the other. Of course, the big event in the third act is when they do confront each other and fight a magical battle. What they swore they’d never do, of course, they do.
Other set ups are the unrequited love between a muggle and witch. Grindelwald would forbid all mix marriages and he has the witch under his control.
There is also an unresolved father and son relationship, and an unresolved love relationship for Newt.
BASIC STORY UP TO 3<sup>RD</sup> ACT:
Albus knows the powerful, dark wizard Grindelwald wants control of the wizarding world and, once he has it, he wants to destroy the ‘lesser’ muggle world. Albus secures Newt to lead a team of witches and wizards to stop Grindelwald’s plans of gaining domination. Grindelwald has murdered a magical beast that the magical world uses to choose leaders. It chooses them by their pure hearts. Grindelwald has made a zombie of the beast and wills it to do his bidding – which is to choose him in front of a great gathering. Grindelwald learns that there is a twin magical beast and sets out to capture it from ‘the good guys’ so it won’t give him away.
At the climax – The true magical creature is captured – or so we are led to believe- and is on route to be given over to Grindelwald. In the meantime, his zombie creature chooses him to be leader. Newt, our intrepid hero, calls Grindelwald out but has no proof until another of his team produces the magical creature. The real magical creature snubs Grindelwald and chooses Albus as the true leader.
The surprise is that Albus declines. His heart knows where he can do the most good – at the school where he is headmaster.
The magical beast now makes another choice and it’s a good one.
Grindelwald is exposed and takes his revenge on Albus. The charm goes crazy and prepares to attack them both for lifting up arms against one another. The charm could tear them apart. But Albus refuses to kill his love. He protects himself only and spares Grindelwald. This contradiction shatters the charm.
RESOLUTION: Albus is very much alone as he happily watches two friends, muggle and witch, marry in peace. Before this, the father and son relationship also resolves, and new hope is given to Newt and his love interest.
In this inevitable but surprising ending, love conquers all for some but not for others. Albus’s love for the greater harmony of the world makes him a hero willing to pay the price with his own personal happiness.
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June!
Can’t thank you enough! Indeed, I felt this scene was stuck at 5 and needed to go to 10 but I wasn’t getting it there. Your notes are dead on. Can’t wait to take them into my rewrite!
Again, you rock!
Dev
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DEV’S VERSION #2
EXT. GRASSY FIELD/ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
Clay plows through a field of dried grass toward a dilapidated Cotton Mill that once fueled a robust economy.
Lincoln, who’s been following him, appears in the distance. Winded, he holds his cramping side as he limps along…
LINCOLN
Stop! We need to talk!
Clay continues his sprint to the mill, finds a door he can wrest open, heads inside. The door, open wide, starts its slow, cranky journey back to being shut.
Lincoln hobbles as he heads toward the mill. He ENTERS through the still closing door.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln lingers in the light streaming in from the broken roof, pulls out his gun when…
Clay’s voice echoes from every part of the room.
CLAY (O.S.)
(Reciting from Proverbs)
“Rash words are like sword thrusts.”
Lincoln instinctively gets low, searches the room…
LINCOLN
Yeah, we’re both guilty there. But those “rash” words sure can stir up a crowd.
…slipping through the rows of old processing equipment.
Again, Clay’s words reverberate throughout the mill.
CLAY (O.S.)
“Everyone who hears my words and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.’
LINCOLN
Matthew 7:24 – I do know the Bible, and you sure do like twisting it.
There’s a CLATTER. Lincoln spins and fires at it, misses the bird that flaps off.
LINCOLN
You know, we can choose to change what’s happening here. There’s always choice.
The only answer is the heavy door they entered through finally shutting, bringing more darkness.
LINCOLN (CONT’D)
We could choose to kill each other today, or… we can choose something different.
He spots a wall of debris and quickly, gun ready, checks behind it.
LINCOLN
Lord! There’s a menu of options available! We just have to be willing to try something new!
There’s nothing. He moves on.
LINCOLN
Show yourself and we can discuss it.
CLAY (O.S.)
You’ll shoot me.
Lincoln notes that Clay’s voice has come from directly behind him.
LINCOLN
Then I promise not to.
He spins and fires.
Clay ducks away.
LINCOLN
Oops.
CLAY (O.S.)
You couldn’t help yourself. It’s the weakness of your race.
Lincoln continues his search.
LINCOLN
You know, scientifically, there’s only one race, right?
CLAY (O.S.)
The truth’s in the bible. Your kind has a place in God’s order.
LINCOLN
And that be ‘second place’ to you?
Clay steps out of the shadows, his gun pointed at Lincoln.
CLAY
It would.
He fires.
Lincoln dodges.
Clay keeps firing – now in all directions.
CLAY
Extinguish the flame, stop the fire!
He stops. Silence. He smiles, starts to search out Lincoln’s wounded or dead body when…
LINCOLN (O.S.)
And if you’re the fire?
The fact that Lincoln’s still alive enrages him. Clay moves swiftly, firing into every corner. Nothing. Then — A SHIMMER PASSES and Lincoln comes into view. He’s squat down in hiding, his back to Clay.
Clay smiles. He raises his gun to fire…
ANOTHER SHIMMER and– Lincoln’s gone. Clay voices his frustration when–
LINCOLN (O.S.)
You know, I never thought I could do something like this.
Clay turns to face Lincoln’s gun, smiles bitterly.
CLAY
But now you can.
LINCOLN
And I have you to thank for that.
CLAY
Then do it. I’m not afraid to die. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”
Lincoln grimaces at the quote’s misuse but struggles to shoot. His hands are betraying him. They shake. He can’t pull the trigger.
Then, a SHIMMER passes… Clay’s gone.
Lincoln spins around, looking for him, the ‘crazy’ rising in him.
LINCOLN
Where are you?! Where do you go?! Damn you! I am going to kill you!
EXT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
SHIMMERS run along the sky like the tide coming in, toppling over one another to reach the shore.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts become disembodied, broken up, elongated until they become a sound miasma – all while firing upon one another as they appear, disappear along with the SHIMMERS.
Then — a huge SHIMMER passes, leaving the men standing apart like two Western gunfighters.
LINCOLN
So, this is how it ends?
CLAY
This is how it ends.
Trying to claw back who he once was…
LINCOLN
Then… there is no hope for us?
CLAY
None.
LINCOLN
I’ve got to hand it to you. I wavered but not you.
Clay’s silent.
LINCOLN
And if I kill you?
Clay shrugs, smiles, shakes his head.
CLAY
You won’t. I’ve already been chosen.
Lincoln fires – as does Clay.
Nothing…
Then– mirrored images, they both sink to their knees.
Another SHIMMER hits, passing over the two who become one — their faces changing into each other over and over until a single body falls face first – smack into the warehouse floor. In the shadows and darkness, it’s impossible to tell which man it is.
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Ah, Cameron, I can always depend on you for the most thoughtful comments that really cause me to pause, dig in, and rewrite! I love your suggestion about putting this scene earlier and will give that a shot. You also picked up something about Lincoln that I’ve established earlier in the script – his turn. It happens in the middle of one of his rallies while giving a speech that starts out all peace and love and slowly turns hateful. I need to stick with that and play the ending much differently – with both men all in to kill each other.
Thank you so dang much!
Dev
P.S. Yes, being a reader for many years, taught me a great deal. The biggest lesson was grabbing audiences in the first ten pages and the ‘vertical read’ – meaning short, tight descriptions. The big example we readers often heard from our bosses was instead of writing a paragraph about a torrential rain where it flows down gutters, floods houses, knocks over trees, etc; try this: “The rain was biblical.”
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Cam,
My notes are in (). Enjoyed reading this so much!
Dev
INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
SULLY and ISAIAH run into their apartment.
Behind them, plodding footsteps of SOMETHING running.
Sully SLAMS the door and LOCKS the bolt shut.
BAM! The door is like a drum, and whatever is on the other side is a Metal band percussionist. BAM! BAM! BAM!
(LOVE THIS DESCRIPTION but feel it nicely gets it point across with “The door is like a drum – BAM! BAM! BAM! Or perhaps shorten with “The door is being played as if by a Metal percussionist. BAM! BAM! BAM! — The reason I say this is because I noticed that, at times, your descriptions tend to slow the read. I was once a SCRIPT READER for production companies. We were taught to do the ‘vertical read,’ which meant we skimmed over description to get to the dialogue – all to save time reading our piles and piles of scripts!)
Sully keeps his arm between Isaiah and the BANGING door.
Behind them, a subtle sound chimes in – something clinking…cracking…coming from Isaiah’s room. (SUGGEST: Behind them, a subtle sound… clinking.. cracking.. coming from Isaiah’s room.)
ISAIAH
Dad, I’m really sorry. (LOVE that he’s apologizing already. A lovely in-direct prediction that something is going to happen.)
SULLY
Just stay behind me.
ISAIAH
I just thought if I could get to know him better, then I’d be able to help.
SULLY
And just who have you been helping?
THE CRASH OF GLASS SHATTERING. (CRASH! GLASS SHATTERS.)
ISAIAH
He was lost, and, and…he’s not bad at all. Just misunderstood.
IT slithers out from Isaiah’s bed, a MONSTER OF A WORM.
Isaiah sidesteps away, as the worm is drawn to the viscous BANGING at the front door. (I like ‘viscous’ but sometimes simple words like “sticky” are more effective.
ISAIAH
(whispering)
Just do what I do. The banging—
Before Isaiah can finish, the latch on the door audibly snaps. (Don’t need ‘audibly.’ Just reading the word ‘SNAP’ makes me hear it! – The latch on the door SNAPS!) (Again, I was a reader for many years and the less words used, the better!)
SULLY
(Grabbing Isaiah)
Get behind me!
Sully football carries his son into his room… (NOW this is a great description! Saw it immediately!)
Kicking the door closed on the way…before stumbling, son in arms, to the foot of his bed.
The DRUMMING continues on the Sully’s door…as Isaiah’s pet worm SQUEEZES underneath the door.
Sully and Isaiah crawl around…and crouch lower and lower behind the couch. Sully cranes his neck to look behind him.
A feeling of MUCUS FLOWS onto the crown of Sully’s head. Oh shit. Don’t move.
The sharp serrated TEETH brush along his HAIR…the warm, damp THING investigates his EAR…in his peripheral, the dark wet SLUG, intimate with Sully’s CHEEKS.
Sully holds his breath. The slug brushes against Sully’s MOUTH. Its teeth make an incision at his NOSE — Sully PUFFS OUT a breath of air!
THE WORM RECOILS BACK!
Sully slams his eyes shut. This is it.
BANG! BANG! WHIZ! PAST SULLY’S EAR! Two heavy bodies HIT THE FLOOR. (GREAT!)
Sully opens his eyes, witnessing…
The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies… (LOVE THIS!)
And at her feet are both the dead worm – its head blown clean off – and the host missing half its neck.
JUDE
(to Isaiah)
Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.
Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a REVOLVER PISTOL. Very illegal and a sliver of silver smoke leaking from the gun’s barrel. (DO you need the ‘just now’?)
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
How about you try a different figure of speech. Just, considering the context. (NICE USE OF WARNING from Anticipatory Dialogue.)
JUDE
And what is that context, deer-heart?
ISAIAH
My experiment—
SULLY
You’re what?—
ISAIAH
Tried to eat us.
SULLY
We still need to discuss your choices, son. (MAKING A JOKE, nice!)
JUDE
Would you like to waste time here, or come home with me?
SULLY
Are you going to feed us milk and cookies? (Good use of SARCASM)
ISAIAH
I don’t think that’s what she’s asking, Dad.
Sully shoots Isaiah a look – No shit, Sherlock.
JUDE
You can try your luck in the wilderness, or you take roost in the stable, deer heart.
SULLY
I’m sorry, I must’ve missed something. Who are you?
JUDE
Let’s skip the formalities, sweet thing. All you need to know is I’m the one who’s going to keep your son alive…just a little longer. (INDIRECT PREDICTION)
SULLY
And why should we trust you?
JUDE
Well, I see your little one is missing someone—
SULLY
Don’t.
JUDE
And that tells me you don’t have the best track record with protecting your herd.
Sully shoots fire from his eyes. (I get it, but I know you can do better than this description. More along the line – because of the humor you’ve already established – “If looks could kill, she’d be dead.”
SULLY
I would die to protect him.
JUDE
Yes, you will. (Wow! Direct Prediction!)
Isaiah looks at his dad’s shaking hands.
JUDE
(turning around)
Now, come along. We’ve wasted enough time. And yes, I do have some milk and cookies. (Delayed answer! Great stuff!)
Sully follows, holding Isaiah’s hand.
SULLY
Come on. Keep holding my hand.
ISAIAH
Hey, Dad?
No response.
ISAIAH
I don’t blame you.
SULLY
Not right now, son.
(I stopped here! GREAT JOB! You’re creating an excellent script!)
Dev
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CLAY CAINE: Passionately committed, religious, self-righteous, desperately needs respect
LINCOLN ABLE: Passionately committed, sense of humor, chip on his shoulder
What I learned each pass with a new dialogue intent was more and more about my characters.
EXT. GRASSY FIELD/ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
Clay plows through a field of dried grass toward a dilapidated Cotton Mill that once fueled a robust economy.
Lincoln, who’s been following him, appears in the distance. Winded, he holds his cramping side as he limps along, yells at Caine.
LINCOLN
Stop! We need to talk!
Clay continues his sprint to the mill, finds a door he can wrest open, heads inside. The door, open wide, starts its slow, cranky journey back to being shut.
Lincoln hobbles some as he heads toward the mill. He enters through the still closing door.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
As Lincoln lingers in the light streaming in from the broken roof, Clay’s voice comes from everywhere.
CLAY (O.S.)
(Reciting from Proverbs)
“Rash words are like sword thrusts.”
LINCOLN
Yes, “But the tongue of the wise one brings healing.”
He starts his search through the rows of old processing equipment…
LINCOLN
We’re both guilty of ‘rash’ words, are we not? We’ve got that in common.
CLAY (O.S.)
“Everyone who hears my words and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.’
LINCOLN
Matthew 7:24 – I know the bible. Seems you like to twist it.
No answer until… the heavy door they entered through finally shuts, bringing more darkness.
LINCOLN
You know, we can choose to change what’s happening here. There’s always choice.
He begins his search for Clay.
LINCOLN
For example: we can choose to kill each other today, or… we choose something different. I mean, maybe we have a menu of options? Maybe we try something different today.
CLAY (O.S.)
You don’t get it. Few of your race do.
LINCOLN
Ah! So, there we go! And that’s what you don’t get. Scientifically, there’s only one race! So, if I don’t get, I guess neither do you!
CLAY (O.S.)
The truth is in the bible. Your kind have a place in God’s order.
LINCOLN
And would that be ‘second place’ to you?
Clay steps out of the shadows, raises his weapon.
CLAY
It would.
He blindly fires into the shadows.
Lincoln dodges.
LINCOLN
You know, killing me won’t change anything!
Clay swings his arms back and forth, steadily fires.
CLAY
Extinguish the flame, stop the fire!
LINCOLN (O.S.)
And if you’re the fire?
Clay comes upon the door they entered by, shoots the handle off of it.
CLAY
Then God will choose.
Clay moves through the mill, comes up behind Lincoln who squats in hiding. He smiles. Just as he’s about to fire…
A SHIMMER passes over Lincoln and… he’s gone.
Another SHIMMER. Confused, Clay turns to see that the tables are now turned. Lincoln’s got a gun on him. His hand shakes.
LINCOLN
I don’t want to do this.
Clay smiles bitterly.
CLAY
But you do.
LINCOLN
Not really.
CLAY
Yes, you do.
LINCOLN
And you know this because…?
CLAY
I can feel you inside me.
Lincoln, struggles with himself, finally lowers the gun.
IClay looks disappointed. Then, a SHIMMER passes, and… he’s gone.
Lincoln spins around, looking for him, the ‘crazy’ rising in him.
LINCOLN
Where are you?! Where do you go?!
EXT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
SHIMMERS run along the sky like the tide coming in, toppling over one another to reach a distant shoreline.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts and words are cut off, disembodied, broken up…
LINCOLN
I will kill you!
CLAY
I will kill you!
As they appear and disappear with the SHIMMERS, they continue to fire at one another until…
A huge SHIMMER passes and leaves them standing directly across from one another like two Western gunfighters. Expecting another shimmer at any moment, the men apprehensively raise their guns at each other.
LINCOLN
So, this is how it ends?
CLAY
This is how it ends.
LINCOLN
There’s no hope?
CLAY
Not for you.
LINCOLN
I’ve got to hand it to you. I wavered but not you.
Clay’s silent.
LINCOLN
And if I kill you?
He shrugs, smiles, shakes his head.
CLAY
I’ve already been chosen.
Lincoln’s fury surges. He fires – but so does Clay.
Nothing…
Then, as if mirrored images, they both sink to their knees.
Another SHIMMER hits, passing over the two who become one — their faces changing into each other over and over until a single body falls face first – smack into the warehouse floor. In the shadows and darkness, it’s impossible to tell which man it is.
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Day 9
Dev Ross – Colorful dialogue
What I learned, once again, how rethinking the dialogue within new parameters, uplifts it, makes it ring out, pushes things to extremes, adds dimension and personality to character…
EXT. GRASSY FIELD/ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
Clay plows through a field of long dead stems of dried grass toward a long-abandoned Cotton Mill that once fueled a robust economy.
Lincoln, who’s been following him, appears in the distance. He’s winded.
LINCOLN
Stop running. We need to talk!
Clay sprints to the mill, tries several doors, finds one that he can wrest open, heads inside. The door, open wide, now slowly, painfully, starts its journey back to being closed.
Lincoln runs through the field toward the mill. He finds the still halfway open door and enters.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
As Lincoln lingers in the half-light the door’s letting in, he hears…
CLAY (O.S.)
(Reciting from Proverbs)
“Rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise one brings healing.”
He starts his search…
LINCOLN
We’re both guilty of ‘rash words,’ wouldn’t you say?
CLAY (O.S.)
I’d say: “Everyone who hears my words and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.’
Lincoln stands before row upon row of old cotton processing equipment. A dilapidated roof allows light to stream in.
LINCOLN
Matthew 7:24 – but you weren’t word perfect. I do know the bible.
The heavy door behind him finally shuts, the darkness pierced only by ceiling’s leaking light.
Lincoln ducks behind some machinery.
LINCOLN
Listen to me. We can talk this out. We can choose to change whatever this is.
CLAY (O.S.)
We can’t!
Clay steps out of the shadows.
CLAY
You’re the change that I can’t let happen!
Clay fires repeatedly at Lincoln’s dodging, ducking form…
LINCOLN
You can’t stop it by killing me!
Bullets speed past him.
CLAY
Extinguish the flame, stop the fire!
LINCOLN (O.S.)
And if you’re the fire?
Clay fires again and again as he moves toward the door and then shoots off its handle.
CLAY
God will choose.
Clay moves quietly through the mill when comes up behind Lincoln who squats in hiding. Clay raises his gun to shoot him in the back when a SHIMMER passes over Lincoln. The shimmer passes and Lincoln is gone.
CLAY
Or the Devil.
Another SHIMMER. Clay turns to see that now he’s in Clay’s sights, a gun pointed at him.
LINCOLN
I don’t want to kill you!
Then, he struggles as if his will is being forced out and replaced by another.
LINCOLN
Now that’s a lie, cuz, oh how I do want to kill you.
A SHIMMER passes as Lincoln fires… into nothing.
Now, SHIMMERS pass like the tide coming in, toppling over one to reach the shoreline.
Clay and Lincoln appear and then disappear, each while firing at each other from all over the huge warehouse. Their shouts are cut off, disembodied, their voices becoming intermingled…
LINCOLN/CLAY
I’ll kill you!/Kill you!/You need to die!/You die!
A near final SHIMMER has them standing across from each other – like two Western gunfighters about to draw. The men apprehensively aim at each other, expecting at any moment for another shimmer. When it doesn’t happen…
LINCOLN
So this is how it all finally ends.
CLAY
Yes, this is how it ends.
They fire, yet still stand, blinking at each other in disbelief. As if mirrored reflections, they both sink to their knees. Their eyes lock. Another SHIMMER hits, envelops the two halves into a whole, who hit the warehouse floor unseen face first.
-
DEV ROSS – DAY 8 – subtext pointers 2
What I continue to learn during these past subtext lessons is that using subtext is a sure- fire way to make your dialogue deeper, more revealing of character, more misleading, a hook into the story…
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Clay yanks Hannah into the bedroom, slams the door so hard, the wardrobe mirror hung on the back of it shatters.
METAPHOR – Their marriage is shattering.
Hannah stands over the shattered pieces. Her hearts shattered too.
CLAY
How could you be so stupid? You want another cross burnt on our lawn?
CHANGES THE SUBJECT
HANNAH
Oh no! In all this I forgot about making dinner. I’ll make some grilled cheese.
She moves to the closet, hangs up her coat.
INSINUATION – Their sex life.
HANNAH
It’s fast and easy. Just like you like things.
He jerks her back to him.
CLAY
Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve have come for you.
She smiles at him.
ALLUSION: He’s not busy these days at all.
HANNAH
I did call you. Busy day?
She moves past him.
CLAY
Where’re you going?
HANNAH
To get a broom and dustbin. Unless you like walking on broken glass?
CLAY
Our neighbors could’ve seen you!
SARCASM
HANNAH
Then they pay me more attention me than you do.
Clay whacks her hard across the face.
Hannah almost crumbles – but stands back up to face him.
INAPPROPRIATE REACTION TO EMOTIONAL SITUATION
She rubs her jaw.
HANNAH
Huh. You really need to go back to the gym.
Clay pulls his fist back. Stops himself.
CLAY
Marrying you was a mistake. So young and sheltered! Even now you don’t know how to take care of yourself!
Hannah picks up the hemline of her nurse’s uniform up past her groin, sticks her hand down the front of her panties and rubs.
DISTRACTION
HANNAH
I can take care of myself. A girl who marries an older fella learns to do that.
Clay throws her to the ground, straddles her.
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.
HANNAH
Oooh. Foreplay.
CLAY
You bitch!
HANNAH
Are you going to make love to me now?
Her sexual writhing infuriates him. He strikes her over and over and over…
CLAY
Damn you! Damn you! Making me do this!
EXT. CLAY’S BACKYARD – NIGHT
A body under a blanket. Clay digs a hole.
-
DEV ROSS – DAY 7 – DIALOGUE COVER UPS
What I learned is that subtext can misdirect in such a way to infuriate/incite the opposite character – all while giving the audience more to chew on. It really ignites a scene and deepens character.
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Clay yanks Hannah into the bedroom, slams the door so hard, the wardrobe mirror hung on the back of it shatters.
Hannah stands over the shattered pieces, her dozens of reflections staring back at her.
CLAY
How could you be so stupid! You want another cross burnt on our lawn?
CHANGES THE SUBJECT
HANNAH
Oh my. In all this I forgot about dinner. Did you get any?
She doesn’t answer but moves to closet, hangs up her coat.
HANNAH
I could make you a grilled cheese. You know how you love them.
He jerks her back to him.
CLAY
Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve have come for you.
QUESTION HIM.
HANNAH
I did call you. Busy day?
She moves past him.
CLAY
Where you going?
MISDIRECTION
HANNAH
To get a broom and dustbin. Unless you want to step on broken glass?
CLAY
Our neighbors could’ve seen you!
MAKE A JOKE
HANNAH
Then they pay more attention to me than you do.
Clay whacks her hard across the face.
Hannah almost crumbles – but stands back up to face him.
INAPPROPRIATE REACTION TO EMOTIONAL SITUATION
She rubs her jaw.
HANNAH
Huh. You really need to go back to the gym.
Clay paces, trying to release what’s building up before he does real damage.
CLAY
Marrying you when you were so young was a mistake. I’ve sheltered you far too much! You don’t know how to take care of yourself!
Hannah, as if in a dream, picks up the hemline of her nurse’s uniform up past her groin, sticks her hand down the front of her panties and rubs.
DISTRACTION
HANNAH
Yes, I can. A girl who marries an older fella learns to take care of herself. Ummm…
Clay throws her to the ground, straddles her.
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.
HANNAH
Oooh. Foreplay.
Clay’s face explodes in rage. He grabs her by the hair and flattens her face with punch after punch after punch…
-
DEV ROSS – DAY SIX
Two different conversations
I learned that I was able to save volumes with the two different conversation technique through sparse dialogue.
EXT. PARK – FLASHBACK – DAY
Clay’s DAD, ROGER CAINE, (30’s) a handsome rogue with a wicked temper and ways, pulls his truck up in front of the park.
INT. CAR – CONTINUOUS
Roger reaches across seven-year-old Clay to open the passenger door. Clay holds his baseball mitt and a ball.
ROGER
See you in a couple of hours, kiddo. Have fun.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
Daddy, you said we were gonna play catch.
As if suddenly hit with a thought…
ROGER
Hey, you remember that ice cream store that just opened on 7th Street?
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
Yeah.
ROGER
How ‘bout we go there after? We can get double scoops.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
Okay.
Roger sits back in his seat, relishing…
ROGER
Oh yeah, I know exactly what I’m going to order. Definitely both kinds.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
Both kinds of what, Daddy?
Roger messes Clay’s hair.
ROGER
Ice cream, ya big dummy. Rocky Road and Mint Chocolate. How about you?
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
I wanna play catch.
ROGER
C’mon. You get to order two kinds. What are they gonna be? Let me guess. Butter Pecan and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, right?
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
No… Vanilla and chocolate.
Roger breaks out laughing.
ROGER
Ha! That’d be you, alright. Vanilla and chocolate. That’s funny.
He pushes the door open.
ROGER
Now go play and then we’ll get that ice cream. Vanilla and chocolate for you and Rocky Road and Mint Chocolate for me!
Clay hesitates.
ROGER
Go on now.
He gets out and then watches as his father gets out on the other side and heads for the BAR across the street. He meets an ATTRACTIVE YOUNG BLACK WOMAN at the door, who makes a flirty fuss over him before they enter together.
Young Clay, pensive, slams his fist into his mitt, heads into the park and then throws his ball against a wall to rebound back to him.
-
Dev Ross
ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE
What I learned is how much this draws the audience in. Keeps a reader turning the page!
INT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
GUY LARRY (30), thin, eager, a work hard get rewarded guy, steps out of the elevator into a office a buzz with people, phones ringing, and packages being delivered.
In a cubical off to the side, a WOMAN opens a delivered package then immediately succumbs to the poison gas that spews. She drops dead.
Elsewhere, no one reacts. Business as usual.
A HARRIED WOMAN, JENELLE (30) hurries over to greet him.
JENELL
Mr. Larry?
GUY
Yes, but you can call me Guy.
JENELLE
You’re early. Early’s good. Follow me.
He follows her as she race-walks through the humongous office floor. Think jogging track.
JENELLE
I trust you read all the instructions?
He run-walks to catch up with her.
GUY
Actually… I didn’t receive any instructions.
JENELLE
Of course you did. I sent them myself.
GUY
Sorry, I didn’t get them.
JENELLE
Did you check your spam folder?
A moment of beating himself up…
GUY
No.
Shaking her head warily.
JENELLE
Who doesn’t regularly check their spam folder? This is NOT good.
She uses CARD KEY to get into an office.
JENELLE
Wait in here. I’ll sent Mr. Preston in. Until he gets here, pull up the instructions on your phone and read them!
She’s about to close the door when–
GUY
But I’ve done this kind of job a hundred times, why are they so important?
JENELLE
If you had read them, you’d know.
She looks down the hallway.
JENELLE
Too late! Here he comes! He’s always early too!
INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
MR. PRESTON (50’s) tan, perfect hair, and looking slim and trim in his suit, enters.
Guy jumps to his feet and offers his hand for a shake.
GUY
Mr. Preston! So good to meet you! It’s an honor, actually.
Mr. Preston breezes right past him and sits at the desk. He motions Guy to sit as well.
MR. PRESTON
As to the instructions, any questions?
GUY
Aaa… well… no. They were very self-explanatory. Very. Clear.
MR. PRESTON
Good. You’re hired.
GUY
I am?
Preston places a GUN on the desk.
MR. PRESTON
It’s not traceable.
GUY
The gun?
Mr. Preston looks up at him warily.
MR. PRESTON
Of course. You seem… surprised.
GUY
Aaa… No! Not at all. Me being an accountant and all, this is all still new to me.
Regarding him carefully…
MR. PRESTON
Interesting. I never assumed you’d be flappable.
Thinks on it…
MR. PRESTON
I like that. It’ll work.
Preston gets up to leave.
MR. PRESTON
Report back to me next week. I expect complete details. Any questions?
GUY
A million, actually.
MR. PRESTON
Good. I like an inquisitive mind. Next week then.
He leaves.
Guy looks at the gun in his hand and then quickly sets it down.
GUY
Shit! I really need to read those instructions…
-
Dev Ross – CONTRAST SCENE
What I learned is – how fun this can be. Certainly, can use when I write comedy. The juxtaposition of dialogue to action is something I already use regularly when I do comedy improvisation with my company. It works well on stage and now on paper!
INT. PUBLIC RESTROOM – DAY
MAY, (40’s) works alongside of JIM (50’s) as they work cleaning a park public bathroom.
Jim mopes the floor when…
A TOILET FLUSHES – several times – May emerges from the stall with her toilet bowl cleaner held aloft.
JIM
And she emerges triumphant.
MAY
Hey, I was thinking about what you said last night.
JIM
Where? At the bar?
May removes the trash from the wall bins, secures it with ties.
MAY
Yeah, at the bar.
Jim keeps moping.
JIM
You mean about how we should probably sleep together already and get it over with?
May sprays mirrors and wipes them down.
MAY
Yeah, that, and more.
Jim plops his mop in a sink to rinse it.
JIM
The ‘more’ part certainly does pique my interest.
MAY
Well, if we sleep together once, I’m guessing we’ll wanna do it again.
Ringing the mop…
JIM
And again.
MAY
And again. So…
Jim grabs the tied trash, carries it outside, re-enters with a bug treatment spray, starts spraying.
JIM
So?
MAY
So, we might as well move in together.
JIM
Well, it’s not as though we don’t know each other.
MAY
Right? Five years of working together, you grow close.
Jim sprays inside the empty trash bins.
JIM
Not as close as I’ve wanted but sure, close.
May scrubs the sinks.
MAY
My rent’s gone sky high but I love my building. You would too. We could split the rent.
JIM
Sounds reasonable.
May rinses the sinks.
MAY
So, you’ll move in?
Jim lines the waste bins with plastic bags.
JIM
First of the month?
Finishing up, they both wash and dry their hands…
MAY
First of the month.
Their hands clean, they shake on it and then exit.
-
DEV ROSS – DAY THREE – WORLD VIEW
INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – KKK MEETING – CONTINUOUS
Character Name: Clay Caine
World View: The world is inherently wicked
Life Metaphor: The Mahatma Gandhi for whites
Rules and Strategies: Show people the way by example. Use force only when it’s for the highest good.
What I learned is that having a strong WV most definitively changes how the character expresses in dialogue.
Justifications: Must save the white race. God wants whites to rule.
Hanging from the basement’s laminated wall is a framed blue-eyed Jesus. Surrounding Jesus are KKK and family photos. In a corner, a dress form bears a yellowing KKK robe.
CLAY (O.S.)
Dear Lord, as we gather in your name, grant us the strength to bring your will back into the world.
CLAY CAINE, (60) the pontific Grand Dragon of this local Arkansas chapter, presides. His eyes are closed, his bible opened. If he were a cross, he’d be burning. He lowers his head, closes his well-worn bible.
CLAY
Amen.
Present, are three KKK members: JESS (late 30’s) with bulging belly that portends death by heart attack, skinny ARNOLD (50’s) who sports a Fu Manchu beard pulled together by three separate rubber bands in three different places, and DUNN (20’s) a fidgety dude who suffers premature balding and ejaculation. Their heads are lowered.
JESS/ARNOLD/DUNN
Amen.
Clay sets his bible down. The men sink into the well-worn couch.
CLAY
Boys, I’ll head straight to the first order of business: Membership. Or our recent lack there of…
The members nod, mutter agreement.
CLAY
Adam Spencer and his Sons of Patriots are current right now, ‘hot’ as my wife’s generation would say, but that’s no reason for us to lose faith. The pendulum will swing back. It always does.
JESS
With all due respect, Grand Dragon, with it just being us three, I don’t think we can wait for the pendulum.
ARNOLD
Jess is right. Our membership needs rebuilding now. It’s become an issue of respect.
DUNN
That’s right. Ella Stevens, that cute waitress at Berk’s, always gave me free coffee and pie but no more.
The men shake their heads, agree that it’s awful.
CLAY
Brothers, we all miss what we once commanded, but there’s no doubt in my mind that we are being tested.
DUNN
Maybe we could have a big picnic or something.
JESS
Yeah, we could have a raffle — for a car.
Arnold’s the skeptic.
ARNOLD
Right. Who’s gonna give us a new car?
DUNN
It doesn’t have to be a new one.
CLAY
Let me remind you that our ranks were once filled with doctors, lawyers, and decent politicians who were gentleman first. All Christian men with integrity.
DUNN
Are you saying they don’t like picnics?
ARNOLD
Look, Clay….
Clay
Grand Dragon.
ARNOLD
Grand Dragon… We get what you’re saying, but we need a path forward. What are we going to do?
Clay regards them all with great solemnity.
CLAY (CONT’D)
I don’t know. Not yet. But the question is: Do you believe in me?
-
DEV ROSS
DAY 2 – EXPRESSING CHARACTER
Clay: Judgmental, committed, repressed, superior
Hannah: Sexually frustrated, fearful, innocent, angry
Emmy: Coy, manipulative, angry, rebellious
I learned that embedding these traits deep into character innately gives their dialogue distinction and individuality.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
As per usual, Clay, his demurely passive younger wife Hannah, a nurse (30’s), and their fearful but silently rebellious daughter, EMMY, (17) eat dinner together. Clinks of silverware hitting plates and the lifting and setting down of water glasses looms large against their silence. Finally, Hannah swallows audibly – her food going down dry. She wipes her mouth with a white cloth napkin and then carefully repositions it on her lap.
HANNAH
Clay, I was thinking that tonight might be a good night for a discussion.
Clay glances up at her but doesn’t miss a beat chowing down.
CLAY
About?
Hannah forces a smile.
HANNAH
About what happened? On our lawn?
Emmy anxiously looks up at her mother.
EMMY
Momma…
Clay wipes his mouth and sets his napkin down.
CLAY
No, that’s okay. It’s fair. It was– a trial.
Happily grabbing this opening…
HANNAH
It was, honey! And I can only imagine how you felt.
EMMY
Yeah, Daddy, for all you’ve done for our community, it must have been just terrible!
Clay soaks in their attention and concern.
CLAY
It was, but Paul tells us: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.
HANNAH
So what is your way out?
CLAY
He hasn’t provided it yet —
He gives his wife a reassuring wink. The same wink that once too her breath away.
CLAY
But he will.
Emmy clears her throat, wipes her mouth, places her napkin on her plate.
EMMY
Okay, looks like that’s settled, so may I please be excused?
Hannah’s eyes plead with her daughter to stay.
HANNAH
Well, I was hoping we could keep having this discussion.
She tosses a nervous glance at her husband to make sure his temperature hasn’t started to rise.
HANNAH
Though I know, Daddy – with the Lord’s help – can handle it, but we need to talk about how we can support him on this. Families stick together, right? Maybe we can discuss that. How we’re going to stick together.
CLAY
Hannah, let’s not make more of this then what it was – which was some restless boys who insist on starting something. We need to go about our lives like always and give them the attention they crave.
HANNAH
But, honey, people right here who know you, turned against you.
He eyes her suspiciously. Doesn’t she trust his judgement?
CLAY
For now. People like what’s bright and shiny. But I’m steady. They’ll come back to that.
HANNAH
I’m sure that’s true but, you know, I can get a job anywhere.
CLAY
Your job is right here taking care of our family.
HANNAH
But I can do that anywhere!
Clay heaves out a breath and with a sweep of his arm, knocks everything off the table.
CLAY
Hannah, stop!
Food, dishes, glassware crash to the floor. Finally…
HANNAH
But if you get hurt, I’d…
She wipes away tears. He goes to her, comforts her like she’s a child.
CLAY
God will show me the way. Do you believe that?
She doesn’t, of course.
HANNAH
I do.
CLAY
Do you believe in me?
HANNAH
I do.
Emmy’s relieved. Fight averted.
DOORBELL
EMMY
That’s Bethany! Now may I be excused?
CLAY
Bring her in to say ‘hello.’
As Emmy rushes off, Hannah springs into action, grabs the broom to sweep up the mess.
Clay wipes his mouth, sits up taller in his chair as Emmy enters with BETHANY (17) a budding beauty just discovering her powers.
Cleaning up, Hannah notices Clay noticing…
BETHANY
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Caine.
CLAY
Hello, Bethany. How’s your folks?
BETHANY
Fine, they’re doing good–
(Correcting herself – for show)
I mean well. They’re doing well.
Clay enjoys her correcting herself in front of him – a lot.
CLAY
Well– you give them my regards.
Hannah empties the dustbin of pottery and glass into the trash. It’s noisy.
HANNAH
Mine too.
CLAY
So where are you young ladies headed out to tonight?
Emmy throws a quick glance at Bethany but that girl’s got it covered.
BETHANY
(Just a tad too quickly)
Church. A bunch of us are meeting up for a video game contest.
Clay playfully frowns his disapproval.
CLAY
Oooh, so the church is sponsoring video games now, huh?
BETHANY
Oh, they’re not violent or…
EMMY
Sexual, Daddy. They’re not sexual.
CLAY
Good to hear. I mean what do young girls like you know about sexual relations?
BETHANY
(Giggling)
Not much!
Emmy’s antsy.
EMMY
May we go now?
Clay playfully waves them off like the kind ruling patriarch.
CLAY
Go on with you then.
Hannah claws her way back from invisibility.
HANNAH
Don’t you be home late!
EMMY
Yes, Momma.
BETHANY
Have a nice evening, you two.
As the teen girls turn and leave, Clay eyes Bethany’s backside.
CLAY
You too.
Hannah’s not blind.
-
Dev Ross – Dialogue
This comes right after opening in the film ARRIVAL. It beautifully says so much around LOUISE with sparse dialogue.
I learned that just a few lines can say so much about a character, creating a deep knowing about who they are or what they want without exposition.
INT. MERCY GENERL HOSPITAL – MORNING
Louise cradles a NEWBORN BABY. Her name is HANNAH. Hannah reaches up. Crooks her tiny hand around Louise’s finger.
LATER
A NURSE starts to take the baby to give Louise some rest. Hannah BLEATS and reaches for her mother.
Louise smiles through the exhaustion and pulls her back—
LOUISE: Okay, come back, come back to me…
EXT. LAKE HOUSE YARD – AFTERNOON
Four-year-old HANNAH dressed as a cowgirl. On a toy riding house with wheels for hooves. Giggling like she can’t stop.
LOUISE (VO): I remember moments in the middle.
She pulls both finger-guns, aimed at us.
HANNAH: Stick ‘em up!
INT. HANNAH’S ROOM – NIGHT
Eight-year-old Hannah is tucked in bed. Said to us as a prayer:
HANNAH: I love you.
INT. LAKE HOUSE – NIGHT
12 year-old Hannah glowers at us:
HANNAH: I hate you!
INT. MERCY HILL GENERAL HOSPITAL – MORNING
Hannah is pale. Her head has been shaved in the last month.
LOUISE (VO): And this was the end.
Louise holds her daughter’s hand in hers. Her thumb traces Hannah’s knuckles.
A life monitor beeps as Hannah’s heart stops.
Hannah’s eyes roll up and she sighs her final breath.
Louise’s grip on her daughter tightens. Trembling.
A Nurse starts to pull Louise away, but she hangs on. Now it’s mother trying to return to her baby girl—
LOUISE: Come back—come back to me, baby.
-
Hi Kate!
Nice job on subtext use! You delivered “deeper levels of meaning of dialogue in spades. As for Basic Structure for subtext you definitely used – and quite well – “underlying meaning.” As for 5 Basic Oriented Plots – you used “hides who they are” and “investigation.” You also employed: secretive, plotting, and a bit of the seducer in Luciana. Well done! Really enjoyed the scene and how well it continued developing who your characters are.
Dev
-
Cam,
Lordy, I always love your comments and insights! Many, many thanks!
Dev
-
June,
As per usual, great notes. Based on them, I’ll be doing another version!
many thanks!
Dev
-
REVISED – DEV ROSS – FINAL SCENE – V2
CLAY CAINE is a failing Grand Dragon of the KKK who desperately wants his power and influence back in order to change the country.
EMMY CAINE is his daughter who desperately wants her father’s love and approval but has fallen in love with a black man and is carrying his baby.
Previous to this scene, Clay’s kicked his daughter out for getting pregnant by a black man. What Emmy doesn’t know is that her father has killed her mother.
What I continue to learn from these subtext exercises is how deep into the layers of character I can go.
INT. CLAY HOME – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Clay enters, sets his gun down, removes his coat when an anguished whimper comes from the darkened room.
CLAY
Who’s there?!
He grabs his gun, aims it into the darkness.
CLAY
Tell me quick or I blow your head off!
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy…?
Clay feels for the light switch, flicks it on to reveal his wreck of a daughter sitting on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest. She looks as small as she feels.
Clay holds his gun on her.
CLAY
I said you’re no longer welcome in my home.
Emmy puts her hand out as if to ward off a bullet.
EMMY
You also once said that if I made a mistake, God would forgive me.
Barely containing her shaking, she’s gets to her feet.
EMMY
But he didn’t. He saw fit to punish me instead.
She opens the thin sweater she had wrapped around her.
EMMY
He took my baby, Daddy. So, shoot me if you want. I deserve it.
Caine lowers his gun. Emmy takes this as an opening. A big, fat opportunity.
EMMY
You were right, Daddy, just like you always are.
Clay puts the gun down. For Emmy, her opening just got wider…
EMMY
It never should’ve happened.
From Clay’s point of view, she looks so young, so innocent. He likes young and innocent.
EMMY
I know that now.
Clay nods his head, smiles sadly.
Another opening for Emmy.
EMMY
So, I’ve come home to tell you this, to admit it.
She grabs his hand, kisses it, holds it against his cheek.
EMMY
I’m just so sorry, Daddy, and I love you so much. Do you still love me?
Clay’s heart breaks in two.
CLAY
I never stopped.
Almost home free…
EMMY
Is Momma home? She’ll be so happy to see me. She hasn’t been at work. Did she quit?
She heads toward the kitchen.
EMMY
She in the kitchen?
Clay hesitates, then…
CLAY
No.
EMMY
Then she’s home sick?
Realizing the danger…
CLAY
You said you went to her work?
EMMY
Well… only… because Momma told me I couldn’t come back home without your permission.
Approaching, stroking him some more…
EMMY
After all, we both know you’re the boss, and… well, if Momma’s sick,
I can take care of her.
Clay’s face goes blank.
CLAY
She’s not here.
EMMY
When will she be back?
CLAY
She didn’t believe in me.
EMMY
Oh… So, are you two taking some time away? Lots of couples do that.
No answer.
EMMY
Until she comes back, I can take care of you, Daddy, and you and me can spend some real quality time together.
No answer and she can no longer read his face.
EMMY
Please don’t say ‘no,’ Daddy! I can cook and clean and I’ll get a job to help out!
CLAY
No.
EMMY
But why? There’s not going to be a half-breed child they can trace back to you!
He’s clinical now. The ‘facts’ according to him.
CLAY
Because, girl, you’re infected now. Contaminated. Your womb defiled. No matter how much I love you, I can’t change that.
He opens the door.
You need to leave my house now and never come back.
She doesn’t budge.
EMMY
No, Daddy.
CLAY
Go on.
EMMY
I’m still your daughter.
He grabs her wrist, pulls her toward the door.
CLAY
You betrayed me and everything I stand for. I won’t – I can’t – have anything to do with you!
EMMY
But you can’t just throw me away, Daddy! I made a mistake, and now I’m willing to do whatever you say!
Clay pushes her out the door hard. She stumbles and tries to get back in.
EMMY
Daddy! Please!
SLAM! He shuts the door in her face.
POUNDING on the door.
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy!
It stops abruptly. A moment of silence then…
EMMY (O.S.)
You disgust me! You racist bigot! I hate you! Hate you!
EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – ON DOOR – CONTINUOUS
Defiant, Emmy stands at the door.
EMMY
Times are changing, old man! You’re done! Done! You hear me?! Your followers are nothing but losers! Like you!
INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – FOYER – CONTINUOUS
Clay heads away from the door just as her POUNDING, and now her pleading, continues…
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy! Daddy!
-
Cam,
Dev again. Now I’m confused as to which scene you want comments on. I did my former comments on your Marcus and Apollo scene. Perhaps you didn’t think you fulfilled the subtext assignment on this scene, but I thought you did beautifully. I will attempt to make some of my points again.
1. Firstly, one of the purposes of subtext is to get the audience to internalize the scene. You had me doing that in spades as I could easily put myself in Marcus’s shoes and wonder what I would do.
2. You also established Marcus as a FISH OUT OF WATER! Boy, was he!
3. Marcus also played the ‘victim’ – though it came out of the circumstances. Still, he did what he was told because he was obedient. But — I could see that he was struggling with the ‘right thing to do!’ Apollo gave him that option – imperfect as it may have been. The scene tricked me into thinking that Marcus would join Apollo as a brother. When he shot him, I was stunned. Great turnaround.
Dev
-
Cam,
I wrote up notes on this scene and posted them but now can’t find them. I’m going to see if they show up, if not, I’ll redo!
Best!
Dev
-
Hi June,
I feel so invested in your story for so many personal reasons and I love your two main characters. It was so effective how you started the scene so positive and then ended it with everything going south to the negative. Nice. I think Cameron covered everything so well and I do want to agree that starting on the ‘five finger’ line would be a great way to start the scene in the clearest, most positive and fun-loving way.
best,
Dev
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Thanks for your reaction, Lisa. Yes! You got Emmy’s subtext EXACTLY! Will review your scene today – Sunday!
best!
Dev
-
DEV ROSS – FINAL SCENE
CLAY CAINE is a failing Grand Dragon of the KKK who desperately wants his power and influence back in order to change the country.
EMMY CAINE is his daughter who desperately wants her father’s love and approval but has fallen in love with a black man and is carrying his baby.
Previous to this scene, Clay’s kicked his daughter out for getting pregnant by a black man. What Emmy doesn’t know is that her father has killed her mother.
What I continue to learn from these subtext exercises is how deep into the layers of character I can go.
INT. CLAY HOME – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Clay enters, sets his gun down, removes his coat when an anguished whimper comes from the darkened room.
CLAY
Who’s there?!
He grabs his gun, aims it into the darkness.
CLAY
Tell me or I blow your head off!
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy…?
Clay feels for the light switch, flicks it on to reveal his wreck of a daughter sitting on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest. She appears as small as she feels.
Clay holds his gun on her.
CLAY
I said you’re no longer welcome in my home!
Emmy puts her hand out as if to ward off a bullet.
EMMY
You also once said that if I made a mistake, God would forgive me!
She abruptly stands.
EMMY
But he didn’t. He saw fit to punish me instead.
She opens the sweater she had wrapped around her.
EMMY
He took my baby, Daddy. So, shoot me if you want. I deserve it.
Caine lowers the gun. Emmy takes this as an opening. A big, fat opportunity.
EMMY
You were right, Daddy, just like you always are.
Clay sets the gun down, For Emmy, her opening just got wider…
EMMY
It never should’ve happened.
From Clay’s point of view, she looks so young, so innocent. He likes young and innocent.
EMMY
I know that now.
Clay nods his head, smiles sadly.
Another opening for Emmy.
EMMY
So, I’ve come home to tell you this, to admit it.
She grabs his hand, kisses it, holds it against his cheek.
EMMY
I love you so much. Do you still love me?
Clay’s heart is breaking.
CLAY
I never stopped.
Almost home free…
EMMY
Is Momma home? She’ll be so happy to see me. She hasn’t been at work. Did she quit?
She heads toward the kitchen.
EMMY
She in the kitchen?
CLAY
No.
EMMY
Then she’s home sick?
CLAY
You went to her work?
EMMY
Well… only… because Momma said I couldn’t come here without your permission.
Approaching, stroking him some more…
EMMY
After all, we both know you’re the boss, and… well, if Momma’s sick,
I can take care of her.
CLAY
She’s not here.
EMMY
When will she be back?
CLAY
She didn’t believe in me.
EMMY
Oh… So, are you two taking some time away?
No answer.
EMMY
Until she comes back, I can take care of you, Daddy, and you and me can spend some real quality time together.
No answer.
EMMY
Please don’t say ‘no,’ Daddy! I can cook and clean and I’ll get a job to help out!
CLAY
No.
EMMY
Why? There’s not going to be a half-breed child they can trace back to you!
Clay erupts.
CLAY
Because, foolish girl, you’re infected now! Contaminated! Your womb defiled!
He grabs her wrist, pulls her toward the door.
CLAY
I can’t and I won’t have anything to do with you!
EMMY
But you can’t just throw me away, Daddy, I’m your daughter! I made a mistake, and now I’m willing to do whatever you say!
Clay tosses her out the door hard. She stumbles and tries to get back in.
EMMY
Daddy! Please!
SLAM! He shuts the door in her face.
POUNDING on the door.
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy!
It stops abruptly. A moment of silence then…
EMMY (O.S.)
You hateful bigot! I hate you! Hate you!
EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – ON DOOR – CONTINUOUS
Defiant, Emmy stands at the door.
EMMY
Times are changing, old man! You’re done! Done! You hear me?!
INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – FOYER – CONTINUOUS
Clay heads away from the door just as her POUNDING, and now her pleading, continues…
EMMY (O.S.)
Daddy! Daddy!
-
Day 2: Designing Characters For Subtext – Assignment
DEV ROSS – Subtext Characters
What I learned doing this assignment is the subtext character processes allows for them to have multi-facets in their being, thus making them attractive to play for an A list actor.
[I] Elevate two or more characters with traits that make subtext natural. Then write a list of possible areas for subtext with each character. Like this:
Character Name: Clay Caine (protagonist)
Subtext Identity: A KKK leader hungry for power and influence
Character Traits: Passionate, driven, judgmental
Subtext Character: CONFLICTED, In denial of his upbringing and of who he really is. Fear of his own impotency.
Subtext Logline: Clay is a passionate leader of the KKK who longs for his former recognition and power.Character Logline: Clay is a once powerful leader of the KKK who fights to regain his power in order to fix the country.
Possible areas of subtext: His belief he is the chosen one. That he knows better than anyone else. When he speaks to his followers, wife.
=================================
Character Name: Hannah Caine
Subtext Identity: lonely, lost, wanting love, needing physical sex and love from her husband. Hates what he’s doing with his life.,
Character Traits: Demure, fragile, passive aggressive.
Subtext Logline: Wants desperately to get her husband to quit his work and pay attention to her and their child
Character Logline: Hannah wants her husband to leave his work behind and start a new life with her and their daughter somewhere else where no one knows them.
Possible areas of subtext: When she confronts him about leaving
-
Dev Ross – Multiple Meanings
What I learned is this type of subtext is exactly what I used to prepare when I worked as an actor. In order to create tension and conflict, actors prepare for a strong intention but are often forced to give up that intention because of the strong intentions of the other characters. It adds layers to an actor’s role and story.
DIANA is an out of work, once famous actress who needs to sell her mansion because she desperately needs money. She hopes to sell it fast in the current hot real estate market and then leave the country to live in Costa Rica where she’ll work to save the whales. She needs something meaningful in her life big time after her many empty and unhappy years in Hollywood. Her agent, JACK, is bringing over a potential buyer.
JACK is her long time agent and she, until the last few years, has been his biggest client and money maker for him. He still believes in her talent, but more than that, he’s in love with her, something he’s never shared. He’s got her a great ‘comeback’ part but the catch is the film is low budget and they’ll have to shoot in her house. He’s bringing the film’s Producer to the house to talk to her. The Producer really wants to buy the house because of its long line of famous actor owner lineage. He wants prestige!
DALE is a young and hungry film producer with Daddy’s deep pockets. With Diana making her comeback in his low budget film, he’s sure he’ll garner fame. He wants her famous old Hollywood house and her to star in his film.
In this scene, Jack and Dale are sitting in Diana’s living room having tea after she’s showed Dale around.
DIANA
So? What do you think? Do you like the house?
DALE
Like it? I love it! In fact, I’m not leaving! I’ll just have my clothes sent over! This place is totally turnkey!
DIANA
Well, it will need some attention…
JACK
But not a lot! This place is a classic! Good bones!
DIANA
Then I’ll call my realtor and we can–
DALE
Hey, we don’t need ‘no stinkin’ realtor. Jack’s already laid out the deal. You win, he wins, and I win.
Jack and Dale share a laugh, Diana pales.
DIANA
Since when did you get a real estate license, Jack?
JACK
You’re gonna love this, Diana. We don’t need one. Dale buys your house for cash, you star in his movie that — get this – shoots right here!
DIANA
What? But Costa Rica…
JACK
Can wait. You’ve got another great film in you. Possibly more. A lot more.
DIANA
Jack…
JACK
Look, how many years do we know each other? I know you better than you know yourself. This part will be your ticket back.
Off her stricken look, he pulls her into the foyer.
JACK
Gimme us minute, Dale.
Dale waves them off. He’s busy looking at old Hollywood photos of all the famous actors Diana’s worked with.
DALE
Take your time!
FOYER
DIANA
Jack, I’m done. I want to go to Costa Rica and do something meaningful before I disappear.
JACK
Diana, the money he’ll pay for this dump? You’ll be set. Face it. This house gets inspected, it’ll never sell. Termites, mold, a crumbling foundation… really? You’re doing this film, right?
DIANA
Right…
He heads back to Dale.
JACK
We’ve got a deal!
-
Dev Ross – Language patterns for subtext
What I learned from this assignment is that applying the ‘six figures of speech’ to dialogue really helps me to reach far deeper into my characters to see what they are covering or insinuating and why.
INT. CAINE KITCHEN – LATER
Clay drinks coffee while watching the news. Hannah, dressed in nurse whites for work, ENTERS, pours coffee for herself.
HANNAH
Morning. Thanks for making the coffee, honey.
She takes a sip.
HANNAH
Hmm…, it’s weak. I need to show you how to make it.
CLAY
I made it how I made it.
She pours hers out, grabs food out of the frig to make lunches.
HANNAH
Turkey, okay?
CLAY
Turkey’s fine.
She notices what he’s watching Lincoln Able getting interviewed by a news host.
HANNAH
Boy, he sure is making a big splash these days.
Clay takes a breath, thinks about saying something, but doesn’t.
HANNAH
They say he’s making a difference.
Clay sips his coffee as if he’s not paying attention – but he is.
HANNAH
Getting black folks registered to vote and all.
CLAY
So, we’re having a discussion about him now, are we?
Hannah loses herself in sandwich making.
HANNAH
Well, I don’t know.
Clay gets up to pour himself more coffee.
CLAY
You do seem set on it.
HANNAH
I’m just trying to have conversation, Clay. I really don’t know about these things.
CLAY
Seems you do.
She packs the sandwiches.
HANNAH
Okay, your lunch is packed.
She starts to speak, stops, starts…
HANNAH
It’s just that, honey, things are changing all around us.
CLAY
And you think that’s good?
Hannah grabs up her purse and lunch.
HANNAH
Well, some of the black nurses I work with are really nice.
Clay keeps his eyes on the TV.
HANNAH
Well, see you tonight.
-
DEV ROSS – DAY 6 – DIALOGUE COVER UPS
What I learned is that subtext can misdirect in such a way to infuriate/incite the opposite character. It really ignites a scene and deepens character.
INAPPRORIATE REACTION TO AN EMOTIONAL SITUATION which included (for me) the use of Distraction, Misdirection, Making a joke of it, and Continuing the conversation as if nothing happened. For me, these were all apart of “inappropriate reaction to an emotional situation.
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Clay yanks Hannah into the bedroom, slams the door so hard, the wardrobe mirror hung on the back of it shatters.
Hannah stands over the shattered pieces. Her heart shattered like the mirror, she goes numb.
CLAY
How could you be so stupid! You want another cross burnt on our
lawn?!
SILENCE – Doesn’t answer when she should.
She doesn’t answer but moves to closet, hangs up her coat.
He jerks her back to him.
CLAY
Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve have come for you.
She smiles at him.
MAKE A JOKE OF IT.
HANNAH
I did. You didn’t answer. I guess you were busy, busy, busy.
She moves past him.
CLAY
Where you going?
MISDIRECTION
HANNAH
To get a broom and dustbin to clean. Unless you want to step on broken glass?
CLAY
Our neighbors could’ve seen you!
Clay whacks her hard across the face.
Hannah almost crumbles – but stands back up to face him.
INAPPROPRIATE REACTION TO EMOTIONAL SITUATION
HANNAH
Huh. That barely registered. You must be slipping.
Clay paces, trying to release what’s building up before he does real damage.
CLAY
Marrying you when you were so young was a mistake. I’ve sheltered you far too much! You don’t know how to take care of yourself!
Hannah, as if in a dream, picks up the hemline of her nurse’s uniform up past her groin, sticks her hand down the front of her panties and rubs.
DISTRACTION
HANNAH
Yes, I can. A girl who marries an older man learns to take care of herself. Umm. Real good care.
Clay throws her to the ground, straddles her.
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.
HANNAH
Are you going to make love to me now?
-
DEV ROSS – SYMBOLS
What I learned is how powerfully a chosen symbol can work to amplify the meaning of your story. The following scene is from a script I wrote 12 years ago that just YESTERDAY was place in the semi-finals of a screenplay contest. If I had known then what I know now, I could have used the symbol far more powerfully. The cemetery symbol below signifies how the past can dictate our future – but only if we let it. In Rome, Georgia, where the story takes place, the cemetery was the symbol of strong, prejudicial judgment.
FADE IN: EXT. MYRTLE HILL CEMETERY – FALL – ROME, GEORGIA – DAY
A CONFEDERATE SOLDIER statue stands guard over the hilltop cemetery whose souls keep vigil over the quaint town below.
RITA (V.O.) The town I grew up in was presided over by a cemetery. Fall leaves swirl around ANGELS and CHERUBS who pose atop the resting places of the dead.
RITA (V.O.) I always felt like we were being watched and judged by a bunch of dead folks. Photos of the smiling deceased framed by elaborate headstones…
RITA (V.O.) Of course my mama watched and judged too, only she wasn’t dead.
AST SCENE IN MOVIE –
EXT. MYRTLE HILL – DAY
The Confederate Soldier still stands guard over the graves and the town… all of it covered in amber leaves. Rita stands over the fresh grave of her mother, Jennie, now buried next to the man she never loved. In her mind’s eye, Rita sees her and Evie as teens meeting in secret, hiding amidst the tombstones of the dead. EVIE You know what you are, Rita?
RITA What am I?
EVIE You are my sonic boom of the south. Watching herself and Evie as young innocents, the Rita of today is overcome.
LIV (O.S.) Hey, you okay? Standing there is pretty Australian LIV, Rita’s long time partner.
Wiping away tears, Rita nods that she is.
LIV (CONT’D) It’s not right. Your mother never did get her comeuppance.
RITA No, she did. At the end, my mama was alone.
Rita takes Liv’s hand and they walk a path through the monuments that mark the fate awaiting us all… equally.
RITA (CONT’D) What was broken between me and mama wasn’t ever gonna be fixed. But if I could have just one wish to make up for it, I’d wish this: That all kids, no matter who they are, have love. Doesn’t have to be much else, just that, just love.
FADE OUT
-
Dev Ross – Designing Scenes with Subtext
What I learned is that by approaching a scene with the specific goal of adding subtext, it immediately forces me to consider writing the intended scene with a very different POV.
EXT. STREAM – DAY – FLASHBACK
COVER UP is that Clay is half-black. This won’t be revealed until the end he and Lincoln see each other’s face in the reflection.
In the scene, CLAY will misinterpret his Grandpa’s meaning. He will think it means he’s chosen, special. The Dramatic Irony is that Clay is really black. Grandpa does not want to tell him this nor wants Clay to ever know.
CLAY (7) and his GRANDPA (60’s) fly-fish in a stream swiftly flowing stream. Grandpa casts his line as smoothly as he convinces others of hate.
Young Clay positively beams up at the older man.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
That was a good cast, Grandpa.
GRANDPA
‘Good’ takes practice. Now you try.
Clay casts. It’s not as good – but almost.
GRANDPA
You pick stuff up real fast considering.
That’s a big word for this seven-year old…
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
Considering what, Grandpa?
Oops. Grandpa reels his line in a bit, locks it, tries to shrug off his comment.
GRANDPA
Circumstances, that’s all.
Oops, another big word…
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
What’s… cir-cum-stances?
It looks like he’s not going to be shrugging this off, so he chooses his words carefully…
GRANDPA
Well, it’s something – if you let it – that makes someone like you not equal to someone like me.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
But I want to be like you.
GRANDPA
I know, and that’s good. But in the future, you may feel those ‘circumstances’ fighting inside you to get out.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
I don’t understand, Grandpa, what ‘s gonna try and get out?
GRANDPA
I can’t tell you that. It’s something, that as a man, you’ll have to face on your own. But, to face it, you’ll have to be strong.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
But I’m strong already, Grandpa. See?
He flexes his skinny biceps like a winning prize fighter.
Grandpa feels them, chuckles.
GRANDPA
Yes, you are. You stay that way so you can fight what’s inside you when the day comes.
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
I will fight it, Grandpa, cuz I’m a White Knight like you!
That rips at the old man’s heart – because he knows the boy’s ‘circumstances’ make them very different.
GRANDPA
Good. Because soon, our time will rise again.
With a grin as big as Texas…
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CLAY
And in Jesus’ name, let it be so!
-
DAY 3 SUBTEXT IN RELATIONSHIPS
What I learned is how much fun writing in subtext can be! It really makes characters stand out.
SUBTEXT LOGLINES
MISS JENKINS is a deeply religious teacher at a Catholic School who has repressed her attraction to women in order to keep her much needed job. But now she’s fallen hard for another teacher.
THE PRINCIPAL is the burnt-out Principal of the school. She burnt but feigns a good work ethic in order to keep scamming the school for money she’s syphoning off. She needs to keep the school running smoothly to avoid any parental or board scrutiny.
TASHA parents placed her in the school because of her behavioral problems. She knows Miss Jenkins is gay because she secretly witnessed her kissing another female teacher. She keeps quiet ONLY because she needs a passing grade in her class. She also suspects the principal is living beyond her means and intends to also use that to her benefit.
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY
A KNOCK AT HER DOOR.
PRINCIPAL
One moment please!
She opens up her desk drawer, pulls out an airplane-sized bottle of booze, sucks it down, sprays her mouth with Listerine, then quickly picks up her phone–
PRINCIPAL
Come in!
She sets the phone back down as if she’s busy and just hanging up from a call as MISS JENKINS and TASHA ENTER.
PRINCIPAL
Have a seat, ladies.
Both sit. Tasha, wearing a school uniform, sits back in the chair, legs apart.
MISS JENKINS grimaces.
MISS JENKINS
Tasha.
TASHA
What?
MISS JENKINS
Please sit up.
TASHA
Why? I’m tired and I have ‘lady pains.’
Off of Miss Jenkins disapproving look…
TASHA
Alright.
Tasha straightens up, primly pulls her legs together.
MISS JENKINS
Thank you.
TASHA
I did it for you, Miss Jenkins.
She wiggles her legs apart and then back again.
TASHA
So you could concentrate.
Principal gives Miss Jenkin a confused look, clears her throat.
PRINCIPAL
Tasha, Miss Jenkins asked for this meeting because of your grades in her class. They’re slipping.
TASHA
Slipping? Really? I hadn’t noticed. So much other stuff happening these days to grab an impressionable girl’s attention – ya know?
The Principal nods gravely, feigning deep concern.
PRINCIPAL
Oh, I do know.
Miss Jenkins pales. She knows???
PRINCIPAL
I work hard to stay in touch with all our students and teachers. And I know that coming back to school after the pandemic has been difficult on many emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Miss Jenkin relaxes.
Tasha smiles sarcastically.
TASHA
Well, maybe not the physical part.
She blinks playfully at Miss Jenkins.
The Principal just wants to move on, get this over with.
PRINCIPAL
Yes, well, we’ve all been hit hard. But, my job – and Miss Jenkins’ – is to give you all the support you need so you can get back on track.
Feigning getting choked up…
TASHA
Wow. I can see that you both really want that for me.
PRINCIPAL
We do. We care.
TASHA
Especially about the kids whose parents write big checks?
The Principal sits back in her chair.
TASHA
You do drive such a nice car.
Miss Jenkins comes to the rescue.
MISS JENKINS
Tasha, we’re grateful to your parents for their support, but I – here at Saint Joseph’s we really do care about all our students.
TASHA
And teachers too, right? Or is it just one teacher in particular? Hmm?
Feeling accused of nepotism…
PRINCIPAL
I support all our teachers equally but if you’re saying I especially support Miss Jenkins, you’re right. She’s an excellent teacher.
TASHA
I bet she is. Maybe I do need to pay more attention to her. She probably has lots to teach me. As you do, Principal Davis. I’ve heard you’re a wiz at finance.
The Principal looks at Tasha long and hard.
PRINCIPAL
After much consideration on this matter, I suggest Miss Jenkins give you some extra time to pull up your grade, maybe with some tutoring, yes, Miss Jenkins?
MISS JENKINS
Of course.
TASHA
Sure. Extra afterschool tutoring.
She smiles at Miss Jenkins.
TASHA
Sounds good.
PRINCIPAL
Great. We’re all in this together, right?
Tasha smiles.
TASHA
Right you are.
-
DEV ROSS – DAY ONE – SUBTEXT
What I learned is how subtext can make veiled threats, love affirmations, give warnings… all without saying them, which creates intrigue and tension.
Before: Cal and Tracy’s marriage has fallen apart due to boredom and loss of communication. They still love each other but no one’s making the big move to get back together. Both have experimented outside the marriage. Tracy once – Cal – over a dozen.
EXT. THE WEAVER BACKYARD – LATE EVENING
Cal looks into the living room. Tracy has brought out ice cream – three spoons.
CAL HAS BEEN KEEPING THE LANDSCAPE IN SHAPE, SHOWING HIS UNWILLINGNESS TO LET GO OF HIS HOME. HE’S STRUGGLING.
INSIDE – Tracy calls him, thinks of something. Steps into KITHEN, closes the door and DIALS phone. Cal sees this, is suspicious. HIS PHONE RINGS. He jumps to silence it.
BOTH CAN’T LET GO. BOTH STRUGGLING.
He answers. She has no idea he’s outside.
TRACY
So… I’m in the basement. I’m trying to get the water heater working cause the pilot’s out and I don’t know how to fix it.
Obviously, Cal sees her NOT in the basement. Big clue to him that she’s missing him and wants to reach out.
TRACY
I’m sorry to bother you, I just… what do I do?
CAL
It’s fine, it’s fine. I’m glad yu called. Here: I’ll walk you through it. Do you see the little grEy door?
HAL’S PLAYING ALONG BECAUSE HE’S TELLING HER HE STILL WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF HER.
TRACY
Yeah.
CAL
Pull it down.
She pantomimes this in the kitchen. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO LIE – NOT ANYONE – SO THIS IS THE LEAST SHE CAN DO.
TRACY
Okay, it’s down.
CAL
Now, you see the red button? I wrote ‘push’ on it?
Tracy
I got it.
CAL
Push. Now turn that to the right and stick the match in.
TRACY
Oh, there it goes!
CAL
Good. Now just close the door and you’re good to go.
A CHARADE TO SAY THEY MISS THE LITTLE THINGS ABOUT EACH OTHER, THE LITTLE THINGS THEY HAD IN LIFE THAT MADE UP A BIGGER LIFE.
Silence, The charade is over. Now what?
TRACY
Well, thanks, Cal. I appreciate you help. Talk to you later?
TRACY
Yeah. And… thanks again.
Cal hangs up. He takes one final look back at his wife as the sprinklers go off and douse him.
THE ENTIRE SCENE THEY WERE TELLING EACH OTHER HOW MUCH THEY MISS AND LOVE THE OTHER. THE FINAL MOMENT OF DOUSING CAL WITH WATER SIGNIFIES HOW HE’S ALL WET AND BEEN A FOOL NOT TO FORGIVE HER.
-
Thanks for your comments, Lisa! Lincoln isn’t “exactly” in Clay’s body but you’re close! It all gets revealed… and I still figuring it out!
-
Thanks Kate!
-
CHARACTERS:
Lincoln: driven, compassionate, believes Clay is after him, needs his wife to see that truth.
Nubia: Lincoln’s wife is loving, patient, skeptical, and fears her husband is becoming mentally unstable. She needs him to see that truth.
What I learned is how I can weave the web between characters in a much stronger way by using the techniques in Writing with Boldness. Each time I re-read the list, I found more tiny moments I could add to the scene.
EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBOOD – DAY – LATER
A SHIMMER ripples down the street. Emerging from it – Clay’s car which pulls up in front of Lincoln’s house. Clay gets out with his shotgun.
LINCOLN, watching from his front bay window, lurches back, closes the curtains.
INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – CONTINUOUS
Nubia enters the room…
NUBIA
C’mon, closing the curtains during the day? Your baby mama needs sunlight.
She pulls them back open when Lincoln throws himself over her, topples her over to the floor.
LINCOLN
Get down!
Through the bay window – another SHIMMER passes.
LINCOLN
(Urgent but sotto)
He’s here – with a gun!
NUBIA
Who?
LINCOLN
Shhh!
Nothing happens. Nubia’s arm is stuck under her.
NUBIA
Ow. Lincoln, my arm. You’re crushing me.
He gets up.
LINCOLN
Stay there.
Peers out the window.
POV:
A quiet neighborhood street. No car, no gun, no Clay.
Nubia pushes herself into a sitting position, rubs her sore arm.
NUBIA
You sure you saw someone?
Lincoln reaches under the couch, searches for something.
LINCOLN
He probably moved his car and is still here.
He finds the gun, heads to kitchen.
LINCOLN
I’ll check the back.
NUBIA
A gun? Under our couch?
She pulls herself to her feet, heads after him.
NUBIA
Lincoln!
EXT. LINCOLN’S BACKYARD – DAY
Lincoln stalks his backyard.
LINCOLN
You want me? Here I am! Come out you son of a bitch!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He swallows hard.
INT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
Nubia waits for him by the back door.
LINCOLN
He’s gone.
NUBIA
(Gently)
Gone or, honey, maybe he never was?
Lincoln rubs his temples. Could she be right? His eyes search hers. Is he going crazy? Then, he remembers. He grabs her by the wrists, pulls her through the house and out the front door.
NUBIA
Stop! You’re hurting me! Lincoln, please!
EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – ON CAR – MOMENTS LATER
Lincoln shoves Nubia toward his car. Indicates the bullet punctures on its side.
LINCOLN
Never was? Then tell me? Who did this?
Lincoln’s reality smacks her in the face.
NUBIA
Okay… Okay. So, Lincoln, you just stop! No more rallying the people, no more pissing off white people!
He takes up her hands in his, hold them gently, lovingly.
LINCOLN
Nubie, after so long we have a baby coming. You don’t think I need to do this for their future? You think I should just give up now?
She caresses his face.
NUBIA
Lincoln… I see the bullets. I believe you — and I can’t lose you.
In front of her eyes, her loving, caring husband, turns to stone.
LINCOLN
I asked you a question. Do you want me to give up?
Lincoln grabs her arms, his fingers digging in.
LINCOLN
Because if I do, our community – hell, our country goes to shit!
NUBIA
Lincoln, you’re hurting me!
He shoves her back hard against the side of his car. The shock of it melts her down the side of it.
LINCOLN
I’m not letting that white boy stop me!
He heads back inside.
Nubia grimaces as she eases herself back up. Heaving herself after her husband, she’s unaware that she’s left smatterings of blood on the pavement.
NUBIA
Lincoln!
-
What I learned that a strong attitude change can be quite the disrupter! Certainly changed the perspective of one of my characters – which only caused to infuriate my main character to the n’th degree!
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
NUMBNESS
Clay yanks Hannah into the bedroom, slams the door so hard, the wardrobe mirror hung on the back of it shatters.
Hannah stands over the shattered pieces. Her heart shattered like the mirror, she goes numb.
CLAY
How could you be so stupid! You want another cross burnt on our lawn?!
HANNAH
The car broke down.
She stiffly moves to closet, hangs up her coat.
HANNAH
The car broke down. I was stuck.
He jerks her back to him.
CLAY
Then why didn’t you call me? I would’ve have come for you.
Still paralyzed…
HANNAH
I… I did. Over and over. But you didn’t answer.
On ‘automatic,’ she moves to push past him.
CLAY
Where you going?
HANNAH
To get a broom and dustbin to clean up this mess.
CLAY
This mess? Your mess! Why don’t you think? Our neighbors could’ve seen you!
Clay whacks her hard across the face.
Hannah almost crumbles – but stands back up to face him.
HANNAH
(Quietly)
So, you’re back to me hitting me now?
Clay paces, trying to release what’s building up before he does real damage.
CLAY
I wouldn’t have to if you acted like an adult! Marrying you when you were so young was a mistake. I’ve sheltered you far too much! You don’t know how to take care of yourself!
Hannah, as if in a dream, picks up the hemline of her nurse’s uniform up past her groin, sticks her hand down the front of her panties and rubs.
HANNAH
Yes, I can. A girl who marries an older man learns to take care of herself.
Clay throws her to the ground, straddles her.
HANNAH
Are you going to make love to me now?
Clay’s face explodes in rage. He grabs her by the hair and flattens her face with punch after punch after punch…
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
FEAR
Clay yanks Hannah into the bedroom, slams the door so hard, the wardrobe mirror hung on the back of it shatters.
Hannah stands over the shattered pieces. Her heart shattered like the mirror, fear grips her.
CLAY
How could you be so stupid! You want another cross burnt on our lawn?!
HANNAH
The car broke down.
She moves to closet, hangs up her coat, pretending all will be well.
HANNAH
The car broke down. I was stuck.
He crosses his arms like a disapproving father.
CLAY
Then why didn’t you call me? I would’ve have come for you.
Hannah’s reverts to the child about to be spanked.
HANNAH
I… I did. Over and over. But you didn’t answer.
She hurriedly pushes past him.
CLAY
Where you going?
HANNAH
To get a broom and dustbin to clean up this mess.
CLAY
This mess?
He grabs her, swing her around.
CLAY
Your mess! Why don’t you think? Our neighbors could’ve seen you!
Clay whacks her hard across the face.
Hannah crumbles into a ball on the floor.
HANNAH
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I won’t do it again!
Clay paces, trying to release what’s building up before he does real damage.
CLAY
I wouldn’t have to hit you if you acted like an adult! Marrying you when you were so young was a mistake. I’ve sheltered you far too long! You don’t know how to take care of yourself!
Hannah, as if in a dream, picks up the hemline of her nurse’s uniform up past her groin, sticks her hand down the front of her panties and rubs.
HANNAH
But I can. A girl who marries an older man learns to take care of herself.
Clay throws her to the ground, straddles her.
HANNAH
Are you going to make love to me now? Please?
Clay’s face explodes in rage. He grabs her by the hair and flattens her face with punch after punch after punch…
-
Dev Ross – DAY 8 – Extreme Emotion
What I learned is that by simply thinking – economy, essence, emotion, it completely changed how I wrote the scene.
Clay: Self-righteous, angry, frustrated, wants his wife to be obedient, to admit how right he is, apologize.
Hanna: Sexually frustrated, afraid, wants her husband to make love to her, to pay attention to her.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay yanks Hannah into the bedroom, slams the door so hard, the wardrobe mirror hung on the back of it shatters.
CLAY
How could you be so stupid! You want another cross burnt on our lawn?!
Hannah goes for normalcy, crosses to closet, hangs up her coat.
HANNAH
The car broke down. I was stuck.
He jerks her back toward him.
CLAY
Then why didn’t you call me? I would’ve have come for you.
She thrusts herself back from him.
HANNAH
I did! Over and over! But you didn’t answer!
Hannah rocks her adrenaline now.
HANNAH
Probably busy with a Klan meeting where no one shows up!
She tries to push past him.
CLAY
Where you going?
HANNAH
To get a broom and dustbin to clean up your mess.
CLAY
My mess? Your mess! Why don’t you think things out? Our neighbors could’ve seen you!
HANNAH
So what?!
Clay whacks her hard across the face.
Hannah almost crumbles – but refuses.
HANNAH
So, we’re back to you hitting me now?
Clay paces, trying to release what’s building up before he does real damage.
CLAY
I wouldn’t have to if you acted like an adult! Marrying you when you were so young was a mistake. I’ve sheltered you and now you can’t take care of yourself!
Hannah snorts a bitter laugh. She grabs the hemline of her nurse’s uniform, yanks it up, and then sticks her hand down the front of her panties and rubs.
HANNAH
(Her voice packed with pleasure)
Ooo, yeah, I can. A girl who marries an older man, she’s got to learn to take care of herself.
Clay throws her to the ground and straddles her.
HANNAH
You finally going to fuck me?
Clay’s face explodes in rage. He grabs her by the hair and flattens her face with punch after punch after punch…
-
Dev Ross – Descriptive words
What I learned is how short, tight descriptive phrases can boost a script’s energy and make the read come alive. When I was a reader, I often did the ‘vertical read’ which is what I suspect many readers still do today. I would breeze through heavy descriptions to pick out just what I needed to know.
DESCRIPTIVE LINES FROM THE MATRIX
-A blinding cursor pulses in the electric darkness.
-Shimmering like green-electric rivers
-The hotel was abandoned after a fire licked its way across the polyester carpeting, destroying several rooms as it spooled soot up the walls and ceiling, leaving patterns of permanent shadow.
-And she crashes with an EXPLOSION of GLASS and WOOD, then falls onto a back stairwell, tumbling, bouncing downstairs bleeding, broken —
-Weed-like cables coil everywhere, duct-taped into thickets that wind up and around the legs of several desks. Tabletops are filled with cannibalized equipment that lay open like an autopsied corpse.
-At the center of this technological rat-nest is NEO, a man who knows more about living inside a computer than outside one.
-Smoke hangs like a veil, blurring the few lights there are.
-Dressed predominately in black, people are everywhere, gathered in cliques around pieces of furniture like jungle cats around a tree
OLD VERSION
EXT. SPACE – ON MULTI-UNIVERSES
String Theory in all its multiple strands of vibrating glory, expressed as alternate strings of universes existing side by side. Among the thousands of strands, two are fraying and are in the initial process of permeating into one another. Tendrils pull from their source strand and then drift toward the opposite strand.
PUSH IN ON ONE FRAYING STRAND, THEN INTO its Earth’s atmosphere, toward the United States, closer into…
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
Dark clouds sweep the sky as foul winds plow through the crowded fair and rally. The wind rattles rusty carnival rides and causes balloons and banners to be swept into spinning dust devils.
COTTON CANDY STAND – A LITTLE GIRL proudly pays for her cotton candy and is about to take a bite when it blows out of her hands. She chases it passed CLAY CAINE, former marine, still fit in his fifties. He watches as the girl sadly watches her cotton candy blow away, then buys her a new one. He smiles at her delight and then walks on toward…
NEW VERSION
EXT. SPACE – ON MULTI-UNIVERSES
String Theory: multiple strands of pulsating worlds lined up like hundreds of harp strings. Among the shimmering strings, one frays like overbleached hair with split ends – the ends already wandering toward and breaching a neighboring string…
PUSH IN ON SPLITTING STRING, THEN INTO its Earth’s atmosphere, toward the United States, closer into…
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
Dark clouds sweep the sky as foul winds plow through the bustling fair. The wind rattles through rusty carnival rides, balloons and banners are swept into spinning dust devils.
COTTON CANDY STAND – A LITTLE GIRL proudly counts out her coins for her cotton candy and just takes a sticky bite when the wind rips it away and carries it off like a bobbing pink cloud. She chases after it when CLAY CAINE, a former marine, still fit in his fifties, snags it out of the air and then strides with it back to the girl. Her beaming smile is his thanks. Clay likes being a hero.
-
Dev Ross – Hope and Fear in action
WHAT I LEARNED is how hope and fear can be used to understand my characters’ needs very quickly.
LINCOLN: Compassionate, driven, hidden chip on his shoulder: work to better his black community but ends up giving into his own hate.
MR. THOMPSON – elderly black man who hasn’t voted in years.
MRS. THOMPSON – elderly black woman who wants to get more involved despite her husband’s fears.
FITZ THOMPSON – their bitter son, who has a chip on his shoulder
HOPE 1. Lincoln is greeted warmly at the door. The old woman likes what he’s been saying.
FEAR 2. Mr. Thompson says he just can’t get involved. Took a beating once. Got the hint. Now it’s up to young people.
HOPE 3. His wife reminds him it was a long time ago. Times have changed. She wants to get involved. Maybe she’ll go door to door too.
FEAR 4. Son enters. He’s bitter. Lost his wife in police shooting.
HOPE 5. Lincoln offers empathy.
FEAR 6. Fitz refuses it. People don’t change.
EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln holds a clipboard, walks up, opens the metal gate that leads up the walkway to a small but well-kempt home. The fenced in yard is spread with outdoor children’s toys. A rusty swing on a small swing set, squeaks in the wind. Lincoln knocks on the door. The door cracks open.
MRS. THOMPSON
Who is it?
LINCOLN
Community organizer, Lincoln Able-
Lincoln checks a name on his list of names and addresses on his clipboard.
LINCOLN
-Mrs. Thompson. May I come in and speak with you and your husband?
The door opens, revealing MRS. THOMPSAN, an elderly black woman. She smiles, steps aside for him to enter.
MRS. THOMPSON
Of course. Please, come in.
INT. BLACK HOME – A SHORT TIME LATER
Lincoln sits with the woman and her husband. Noise from a back room emanates loudly – it’s young kids playing.
MRS. THOMPSON
(To her husband)
Honey, will you tell the kids to keep it down?
MR. THOMPSON
Sure will. Be right back.
MRS. THOMPSON
There’s been so much wind, our grandkids have taken to playing inside.
Mr. Thompson exits to the back. A KNOCK is heard, then–
MR. THOMPSON (O.S.)
Quiet!
The kids immediately get quieter.
The elderly man shuffles back, sits, turns to address his wife.
MR. THOMPSON
Now what’s he here for?
MRS. THOMPSON
This is Lincoln Able, honey. He’s here to talk to us about voting.
MR. THOMPSON
Voting? Huh. I took a beating once for that and got the hint.
MRS. THOMPSON
Well, then was then; now I want to get involved.
FITZ THOMPSON, (30’s) their song, ENTERS through the front door, immediately reacts to his mother.
MRS. THOMPSON
Maybe I’ll go door to door with Lincoln.
FITZ THOMPSON (O.S.)
You will not!
From the shirt, name inscribed on the pocket, it’s obvious Fitz’s just come home from work.
FITZ THOMPSON
Who’s gonna watch my kids, if not you?
MR. THOMPSON
I can do it.
FITZ THOMPSON
No, you can’t, Pop, half the time you can’t even remember their names.
MRS. THOMPSON
Fitz, that isn’t nice. We’ve got company.
(Introducing them)
This is our son, Fitz. Fitz, Lincoln is–
FITZ THOMPSON
I know who he is. Look, we don’t want trouble.
LINCOLN
I’m not here to cause any trouble. I’m here to support of our community.
FITZ THOMPSON
Yeah? Then where you when I needed help after my wife got shot dead for sleeping while black?
LINCOLN
I’m sorry. I remember that. Wrong address. I was a teacher then.
FITZ THOMPSON
Look, what you’re doing is commendable but it’s not realistic. Times change, people don’t.
Lincoln sits with that a moment, then-
LINCOLN
I’m going to change that belief, you’ll see.
Fitz gives him a last look before he heads toward the back where his kids play.
FITZ THOMPSON
Uh-huh. If you want change, forget adults and go back to teaching kids.
-
DEV ROSS – UNCERTAINTY
This opening scene from the film KPAX so moved me back from hope and fear so often that it immediately hooked me. I’ve learned how potent this power is!
KPAX
INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION – NY – DAY
THIS OPENING SCENE SETS UP A BLACK HOMELESS VET, CRIPPLED, BEGGING FOR MONEY. THERE IS NO HOPE AS NO ONE PAYS HIM ANY ATTENTION. (Note scene is truncated by me as I could not cut and paste and there is too much to type.)
New immigrant families strand in ticket lines…
Witness to it all is a BLACK HOMELESS VET.
VET
Dollar fo’ a homeless vet. Help out a homeless vet.
To a student passing by.
VET
C’mon,. Lil man, I found the war with your daddy, Y’all ain’t paid me for this leg yet
A Swedish couple passes.
VET
You Swiss Miss….
An Asian family…
VET
Hey, Jackie Chan…
HOPE COMES IN —
A BEAM OF HAZY SUNLIGHT shines down through one of the high arched windows of the terminal building.
Onto a man. Or an apparition.
HOPE: The VET squints, closely as the FIGURE seems to emerge from the sunlight. The figure is PROT.
More action… then–
TWO YOUNG THUGS wrench a RUSSIAN WOMAN’s suitcase away. They knock her to the ground. She screams, they run off – shoving past PROT and into the crowd.
PROT watches for a moment, not wanting to register anger or caution. He turns to the woman.
More action… then–
FEAR: Woman is on the ground, dazed, sobbing. People step around her.
Prot approaches her. The vet keeping a watchful eye on him.
Prot stands over the woman. FEAR – as she looks up at him.
HOPE: He holds his hand out to her.
PROT
Let me help you.
FEAR: as two OFFICERS approach.
1ST OFFICER
Hold it right there!
VET
Oh, man, he ain’t done nothin’.
The officers still regard Prot with suspicion.
1ST OFFICER
Step away from her.
PROT
This woman is hurt HOPE THAT THEY WILL HELP!
2ND OFFICER
Ma’am, what happened?
The woman struggles with limited English – FEAR! Will they understand her???
WOMAN
Eh – take bag … eh – hit.
FEAR THE OFFICERS WILL ACCUSE PROT
2ND OFFICER
Who took your bag and hit you? This man?
The vet shakes his head at the cops.
VET
No,no, Couple a punks. They ran off. Y’ alwasy comin’ around too late – askin’ what? Where? How? This brother just tryin’ to help her. HOPE THAT THE COPS WILL LISTEN.
WOMAN
Yes – he – he – he.
The 1st officer speaks into his radio:
1ST OFFICER
Four-eight, this is Romano. Robbery and assault victim with facial wound at West Forty-Second entrance. (to Prot) Sir, I’d like you to just stand right there, answer a couple of questions for me. Standard procedure.
PROT is handcuffed by them. Prot gives them a curious smile. HOPE because Prot is docile and respectful, maybe the cops will let him go.
PROT
Of course.
1ST OFFICER
Are you travelling somewhere?
PROT
I’ve arrived. My travels are over for the time being.
1ST OFFICER
Where’s your luggage?
PROT
Luggage? FEAR now for his future. Will they think he’s crazy?
1ST OFFICER
Your bags?
PROT
I don’t require luggage.
The officer takes a good, hard look at Prot. FEAR. He’s sizing him up as a nut-job.
An ambulance pulls up with a whoop. M.T. starts tending to the woman.
1ST OFFICER
Do you have a ticket? (off Prot’s look) A train ticket. A ticket stub.
PROT
I didn’t arrive by train.
FEAR: What is going to happen to him?
1ST OFFICER
Then, what are you doing in the train station, sir?
PROT
It’s a likely place to begin.
The officers exchange looks. This is beginning to sound familiar. FEAR: What will they do with him?
VET
Name! Rank! Serial number! All you have to give ‘em, my man!
1ST OFFICER
Freddy, chill. HOPE: Maybe because they know Freddy they’ll be kind to
Prot. Would you please remove your sunglasses for me?
FEAR: Will Prot say something to make him sound like a crazy?
PROT
I’d rather not. Of course, they warned me about the photokinetic energy from start G-643, or as you would call it, the sun, but, I mean, wow! Your planet is really bright!
NO HOPE NOW – they know he’s a nutter.
A wry understanding moves across both officer’s faces.
1ST OFFICER
I see… (into his radio) West Forty-Two. We have an E.D.P.
2ND OFFICER
I’m going to ask you to come with us.
PROT
Certainly.
HOPE here. The Vet is a decent man and he feels an affinity to Prot.
As Prot is led away, the VET straps on his leg and gets himself up. For some strange reason he feels an affinity to Prot.
-
Dev Ross – HOOK
Lincoln: aspirational, compassionate, a leader who desperately wants to set his country on the right track but, instead, is pulled into his own pit of hate.
What I learned that combining visual curiosity with what is going on emotionally and physically with my character, makes for a strong hook.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS RALLY – DAY
Wind and bad weather. Sky colors ripple in and out of view. Under this, a largely black crowd, white faces interspersed, cheers as Lincoln steps up on stage. There, he’s greeted by MRS. ROCHE, a tiny elderly black woman running the show.
LINCOLN
Thank you, Mrs. Roche, it’s a pleasure to be here.
(To the crowd)
Mrs. Roche, everybody! My former babysitter!
MRS. ROCHE
And he was a good boy too. Mostly.
The crowd chuckles.
LINCOLN
Hey, so how is everybody?
Folks call out their greetings, feelings…
LINCOLN
It’s good to be with you. With you, I’m home. With you, I’m with family.
The crowd loves that.
LINCOLN
Now I know you might be thinking, “What’s Lincoln doing? There’s no election coming up, heck, they’re a few years away, so why is he so dang pushy about getting folks registered to vote – especially now in this godforsaken weather?” I’ll tell you why. Because we can’t wait! We have got to start now!
Cheers!
LINCOLN
Here in America, it’s politics 24/7! But if we don’t get ourselves going in a different direction now, then we’re in trouble. But, if we get it together, get registered, and ready to vote, we’re ahead of the game! So, now we get ourselves informed on the issues, so we’re not fooled by – excuse my French, Mrs. Roche – we’re not fooled by the bullshit. Am I right?
Crowd agrees!
LINCOLN
We’ve got the time to think about the issues and not just react to them because someone says we oughta be mad. Right now, now, we do our ‘due diligence. We prepare ourselves for battle – for the soul our country!
Crowd loves this!
LINCOLN
So, the question is: How will we educate ourselves? Will it be on fact or fiction? Oh, hey, I love me some great fiction! Fiction always has a good guy and a bad guy, and we always know who to root for, don’t we? It’s clear! But reality is different. Real life exists in shades of grey… so you’ve to think. You’ve got to discern. You’ve got to root out the truth. Now I’m not saying ‘all by yourself’ am I? No. Engage in civil dialogue with your neighbors. Even if they disagree, you all are going to learn something.
He takes a deep breath as he stands against the wind.
LINCOLN
So, are we going to stand together against prevailing winds?
Crowd calls out a resounding ‘yes!’
LINCOLN
Are we going to able ourselves!
More hearty agreement from the crowd.
LINCOLN
Good. To be honest, I’m in a hurry–because now is the time for us to demand the soul of this nation includes our souls – equally.
The crowd roars their approval. Then…
Shimmers in the sky cause Lincoln to squint, rub his temples. He’s got a stab of pain in his head that he tries to work through…
LINCOLN
So, yeah, time’s running out. I don’t know about you, but…
Lincoln breaks, pulls a Jekyll and Hyde…
LINCOLN
…but I’m so tired of this shit. Always being suspect. Always having ‘black’ come before man. I’m a black man who is sick to death with driving while black, jogging while black, hell – buying candy while black – because I have to watch my black ass!
The crowd gets uneasy. What’s happening to Lincoln?
LINCOLN
I’m sick in my heart but you know who I’m really sick of? The ‘white’ man.
Lincoln points out a white supporter in the crowd.
LINCOLN
Yeah, that means you, one of my so-called supporters! You are white, not your fault, brother, but you are. So, what have you done to atone for the sins of your forefathers – besides coming to my rallies and cheering? I ask you my brothers and sisters, what is this white man doing here besides polluting us?
Lincoln looks down at his hands. They’re white. He looks out and his crowd is now all white, many holding racist signs.
CROWD MEMBER
SINO! Supremacist in Name Only!
CROWD MEMBER 2
We want Adam! We want Adam.
The crowd picks up the cheer.
Shimmers…
Lincoln is himself again and standing in front of his crowd. Some are cheering, many, including the white man, are leaving.
BLACK CROWD MEMBER
Shame on you, Lincoln Able! Shame on you!
Mrs. Roche hurries to him.
MRS. ROCHE
Lincoln? What’s wrong with you?
Lincoln looks at his hands again. They’re his.
LINCOLN
Honestly… I don’t know.
Lincoln watches the exiting crowd when a SHIMMER hits and transforms from the crowd to a stage standing opposite his. Center on that stage is Clay.
-
Dev Ross – Suspense
What I learned is that by turning up the tension and suspense of what’s going to happen, it sucks the reader into the moment and leaves them wanting to find out what happens.
THE PROMISE: Clay vows to kill Lincoln
WHAT MATTERS: that Lincoln stay alive
THE DELAY: the ‘shimmers’
EXT. ROAD – DAY
Lincoln drives toward home when a RIPPLING SHIMMER moves over his car just as he reaches a stoplight. A beat, a car – exactly like his – pulls to a stop next to him. Lincoln notices the other car, smiles, rolls down his passenger window, leans toward it.
LINCOLN
Hey, nice car!
Clay turns his face out of the shadows towards him. Clay’s shock at seeing Lincoln quick turns to urgency as he tries to put his driver’s window down. It only lowers a short way before getting stuck. Furious, he tries again then angrily bangs at the window.
Lincoln chuckles, indicates his window, calls out–
LINCOLN
I had the same problem! Pounding doesn’t help!
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
TEXT BUZZ. Lincoln’s attention pulls from Clay to his cellphone resting on the passenger seat. It’s his wife. He’s about to check it out when he hears muffled cursing and hard thuds. He looks up–
Clay repeatedly rams the butt of his shotgun against his window. CRACK! It gives away and Clay thrusts his shotgun through.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
LINCOLN
What the– Fuck!
The light’s still red.
Jolted with adrenaline, Lincoln guns his car through the cross-traffic ahead. His rearview mirror shows Clay narrowly avoiding a car as he speeds after him.
EXT. ROAD – CONTINUOUS
Their cars dart in and out of traffic when Lincoln takes a sharp turn onto…
EXT. RURAL ROAD – CONTINOUS
…a two-lane road that stretches into rural countryside. Lincoln checks his mirror to see Clay making the turn as well and rapidly heading toward him.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
WHAM! His back bumper is hit.
LINCOLN
Fucking red neck!
He’s hit again. Lincoln floors it, gains some distance on Clay. A shotgun blast rings out. He checks the rearview mirror to see Clay steering with his right hand while leaning his body out of the window, shotgun in his left hand.
LINCOLN
Shit! Shit! Shit!
More shots are fired. Lincoln violently swerves his car–
EXT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
–back and forth across the lanes with Clay hot on his tail.
Lincoln’s car takes a pothole, no doubt damaging the car’s underside.
INT. CLAY’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Clay, using his one hand, avoids the pothole but over-compensates, pitching his car to the roadside where he stalls out in a ditch.
CLAY
Shit! Shit! Shit!
He tries to restart his car…
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln, freaked but relieved, speeds ahead when he passes a BILLBOARD that depicts a white dove flying out of the fire of a burning cross. A smiling white family poses next to the cross.
LINCOLN
What the fuck?
Then – in his rearview mirror – here comes Clay just as a–
–RIPPLING SHIMMER OVERTAKES covers Lincoln’s car.
He comes out the other side to see his familiar neighborhood ahead.
INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln checks his mirror. No car anywhere.
EXT. LINCOLN’S CAR – ROADSIDE
He slows, pulls a U-turn and heads back a short distance. He stops, gets out and looks down the road. No car and not a billboard in sight.
Lincoln’s stunned. Then, the insistent sound of his cellphone buzzing returns him to his senses. He returns to his car to find a text from his wife: Come to hospital STAT!
-
Cam! Freaking great notes! I can’t thank you enough for the deeper insight you’ve given me.
I will incorporate them… somehow… not sure yet how as I figure this all out…
best!
Dev
-
DEV ROSS – Day 2 – Anticipatory dialogue
What I learned is how naturally we all tend to speak in dialogue that hints at future events or covertly or overtly implies consequences.
Clay: Prideful, Self-righteous, a believer in his own bullshit. He desperately wants to regain the power and respect he once had.
Hannah: Demure, loving, passive. She desperately wants Clay to give up his KKK position and turn his attention to her and family. She wants to save her family.
Emmy: Conflicted, loving, afraid. She desperately wants her father’s approval but, deep down, knows she’ll never get it.
Confront someone hiding from a future consequence
Indirect prediction
Imply consequences
INT. CLAY’S HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
As per usual, Clay, his demurely passive younger wife Hannah, a nurse (late 30’s), and their fearful but silently rebellious daughter, EMMY, (18) eat dinner together. Clinks of silverware hitting plates and the lifting and setting down of water glasses looms large against their silence. Finally, Hannah swallows audibly – as if her food were going down dry. She wipes her mouth with a white cloth napkin and then carefully repositions it on her lap.
HANNAH
Clay, I was thinking that tonight we could have some dinner conversation. About what happened today.
Emmy anxiously looks up at her mother.
Clay wipes his mouth and sets his napkin down.
CLAY
That’s fair. Today was– disturbing.
Grabbing this opening…
HANNAH
It was honey. I can only imagine how you felt. It must have been terrible.
CLAY
It was, but Paul tells us: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.
HANNAH
So, what is your way out?
CLAY
He hasn’t provided it yet — but he will.
Seeing her worry, he smiles at her in that knowing way that once took her breath away.
CLAY
He will.
Emmy clears her throat, wipes her mouth, places her napkin on her plate.
EMMY
May I please be excused?
Hannah’s eyes plead with her daughter to stay.
HANNAH
Well, I was hoping we could keep having this discussion. Though I know Daddy – with the Lord’s help – can handle it, but we need to support him on this. Families stick together – through thick and thin. Maybe we can discuss that. How we’re going to stick together.
CLAY
Hannah, please. Let’s not make more of this then what it was. We just need to go about our lives like always.
HANNAH
But, honey, people right here, turned against you.
CLAY
Yes, they did.
HANNAH
So, maybe… we should think about starting over someplace else. A nurse can always get a job…
CLAY
Hannah! People are fickle. Once I remind them what true leadership looks like, they’ll be back.
HANNAH
But how are you going to do that? No one’s listening to reason. Things could get violent.
CLAY
Like I said, God will show me the way. Do you believe that?
She doesn’t, but she lies.
HANNAH
Of course, I do.
Emmy nods emphatically.
EMMY
Me too. Now may I be excused?
CLAY
Girl, why doesn’t that boy pick you up at the house so we can meet him?
Emmy sidesteps and then plays to his hubris.
EMMY
He will, Daddy. He’s just got to get up his nerve, you know, you being who you are and all.
Clay’s ego just got boosted.
CLAY
I see. Well, okay, I’ll be patient with him then.
EMMY
Anyways, tonight’s just a bunch of us meeting up at the church for a video game contest.
Clay frowns his disapproval.
CLAY
The church is sponsoring video games now?
EMMY
The times they are a changing, Daddy. May I go?
CLAY
Go on with you then, but don’t you be changing too fast on me. You’re still my little girl.
Emmy hurriedly carries her dish to the sink.
EMMY
Yes, Daddy!
Hannah watches her go then turns to Clay and, despite her frustration that their family conversation went nowhere, smiles.
-
BODY HEAT
I learned how description and careful dialogue, followed by a strong character set up, can hook the reader and set up extreme anticipation and a yearning to know what comes next.
I’d say this scene is the inciting incident in which Racine meets a woman who is as big a player as he is. He’s looking for immediate gratification and she offers that in spades only makes him work for it. Before this, he’s already had a one-night stand with a woman who clearly knows she’s just that but is there willingly. He doesn’t have to try hard. After this opening, we see him gaming in court and ultimately getting his awful client off by gaming the judge. Once again, he hasn’t tried hard but played incompetent to get the judge to lower the sentence. After, we see him greeting a female client and playing her just as he plays everyone. In the scene below, he meets a woman who is willing to play as hard as he does.
EXT. THE BEACHFRONT WALKWAY – NIGHT The Woman, MATTY, has walked to the rail. She stands there now lighting a cigarette. She presents her face to the ocean, hoping for a breeze. We move in on her, with Racine. Racine lights a new cigarette and smiles at her. She looks at him and, for an instant, her eyes race over his body, then she looks back at the ocean. IN THE OPENING SCENE WITH RACINE, HIS EYES MOVED RACED OVER HIS FEMALE COMPANION’S BODY BEFORE HE INITATED SEX AGAIN. NOW MATTY EYE’S RACE OVER HIS BODY. A REVERSAL THAT SUGGESTS ANTICIPATION OF THEM HAVING SEX. ALSO, THE VIVID DESCRIPTION CREATES A VERY SENSUAL TENSION.
RACINE You can stand here with me if you want, but you’ll have to agree not to talk about the heat.
She looks at him, and there is something startling about the directness of her gaze. When she speaks, she is cool without being hostile.
MATTY I’m a married woman.
RACINE Meaning what?
MATTY Meaning I’m not looking for company.
She turns back toward the ocean.
RACINE Then you should have said — ‘I’m a happily married woman.’
MATTY That’s my business. UNCERTAINTLY – WILL SHE, OR WON’T SHE?
RACINE What?
MATTY How happy I am.
RACINE And how, happy is that? WRITING WITH ATTITUDE.
She looks at him curiously.
She begins walking slowly along the rail.
He walks too.
MATTY You’re not too smart, are you?
Racine shakes his head “no.”
MATTY I like that in a man. ATTITUDE, CREATES ANTICIPATION
RACINE What else you like — Ugly? Lazy? Horny? I got ’em all.
MATTY You don’t look lazy.
Racine smiles.
MATTY Tell me, does chat like that work with most women?
RACINE Some. If they haven’t been around much.
MATTY I wondered. Thought maybe I was out of touch.
She stops again at the rail as a small breeze blows in from the ocean. She turns her back to it and, with her cigarette dangling from her lips, she uses both hands to lift her hair up off her nape. She closes her eyes as the air hits her. Racine watches very closely.
RACINE How ’bout I buy you a drink?
MATTY I told you. I’ve got a husband.
RACINE I’ll buy him one too.
MATTY He’s out of town.
RACINE My favorite kind. We’ll drink to him.
MATTY He only comes up on the weekends. MORE SEXUAL ANTICIPATION
Matty lets her hair fall and again begins moving down walkway.
She drops her cigarette and steps on it.
RACINE I’m liking him better all the time. You better take me up on this quick. In another forty-five minutes I’m going to give up and walk away. HE’S TESTING HER WILLINGNESS TO CONTINUE TO PLAY.
MATTY You want to buy me something? I’ll take one of these.
They have come upon a Vendor selling snow cones.
RACINE What kind?
MATTY Cherry. TOTAL SEXUAL FOREPLAY
RACINE (to Vendor) Make it two.
The Vendor scoops and pours as Racine lays some change on the cart.
RACINE (to Matty) You’re not staying in Miranda Beach. (she shakes her head “no”) I would have noticed you.
MATTY Is this town that small?
Racine hands her a snow cone. They walk over to the rail. Racine watches her eat the snow cone with enormous interest.
RACINE Pinehaven. You’re staying up in Pinehaven, on the waterway. (she gives him a look, surprised) You have a house.
MATTY How’d you know?
RACINE You look like Pinehaven.
MATTY How does Pinehaven look?
RACINE Well tended.
She looks out at the ocean.
MATTY Yes, I’m well tended, all right. Well tended. What about you?
RACINE Me? I need tending. I need someone to take care of me. Rub my tired muscles. Smooth out my sheets.
MATTY Get married.
RACINE I just need it for tonight.
For the first time, Matty laughs. A moment later, she spills the snow cone over the front of her dress. It makes a bright red stain against the white. The thin material clings to the line of her breast.
MATTY Good. Nice move, Matty. DOUBLE ENTRENDRE – IT WAS A MOVE ON HER PART FEIGNED AS AN ACCIDENT. IT TELLS US SHE’S PLAYING ALONG IN THE SEDUCTION — BUT NOW WE WONDER WHY. DOES SHE KNOW HE’S A LAWYER? HAS SHE SCOPED HIM OUT BEFOREHAND?
RACINE Matty. I like it. Right over your heart.
MATTY At least it’s cool. I’m burning up.
RACINE I asked you not to talk about the heat.
MATTY Would you get me a paper towel or something? Dip it in some cold water.
Racine starts toward the restroom nearby.
RACINE Right away. I’ll even wipe it off for you.
MATTY You don’t want to lick it? THIS LETS US FINALLY KNOW FOR SURE THAT SHE’S GOING FOR A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER AND NOW ACTIVELY SPEEDING IT ALONG. THE READER CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER ‘WHY?’ THIS IS A WOMAN WHO CAN HAVE ANYBODY, SO WHY HIM? IT SEEMS A PLAN IS IN PLAY AND WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT. A PAGE TURNER TO BE SURE.
-
Dev Ross – VERSION 4
EXT. CLAY’S FRONT LAWN – PREDAWN
In the shadows of predawn, Clay, wearing one of those forehead flashlights, hurriedly rakes up the burnt remnants of the cross burnt on his lawn the night before. The breaking dawn sends shafts of light over the neighborhood, forcing Clay to pick up his pace. No way he wants to be seen cleaning up this mess. Then, he spots a woman, ANGELA, walking her dog down the sidewalk toward him.
CLAY
(Under his breath)
Damnit.
He looks up at her, forces a smile.
CLAY
Hey! Morning there, Angela!
She hurriedly leads her dog across the street to avoid him.
ANGELA
Morning, Clay! You have a nice day!
CLAY
Sure will! You, too!
He waits until she’s down the street before he angrily dumps the debris into the trash.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Hannah and Emmy gingerly pick at their breakfast. Clay is determined to eat his. Hannah cautiously starts the conversation.
HANNAH
I don’t understand, Clay. Why us?
CLAY
They’re sending me a message.
Emmy looks as if she’s about to speak but doesn’t.
CLAY
I’m not doing enough and fast enough, so Adam Spencer’s minions are goading me. I’ll handle it.
Hannah, increasingly anxious, can no longer pretend to eat.
HANNAH
You’ll handle it? Clay, there was a cross burned on our front lawn last night. What’s next? Bullets through the windows? For the love of God, why are you acting as if this was nothing?
CLAY
Because… It’s an empty provocation. Those boys are all show, nothing more.
Hannah hardly thinks that.
CLAY
What? You think I’m too weak to handle those sons of bitches?
Backpedaling…
HANNAH
Of course not. Clay, I just want peace. I just want-
She’s too fearful to continue.
Clay slams his fist on the table.
CLAY
Lord, I’m sick of you mincing words like I’m too frail to handle what my wife has to say! What is it you want from me, woman?!
Hannah takes her plate, scraps food into the trash, cleans up with her face to the task rather than him.
HANNAH
I want out of this. I’m sick of it. Can’t we just live with other people without having to hate them?
CLAY
I don’t hate anybody! They do! I’m just trying to set things back to where they’re supposed to be. Why can’t you be supportive of that?!
Emmy, who’s been holding back…
EMMY
Stop!
Clay and Hannah finally take note their daughter.
EMMY
Daddy… I have to tell you something.
Hannah shoots Emmy a look of warning as if to say, ‘not now!’ Emmy disregards her.
EMMY
I’m pregnant.
Clay is thrown.
CLAY
Pregnant?
(To Hannah)
You knew about this?
HANNAH
Yes, but we were waiting for the right time to tell you.
Clay calms down.
CLAY
Okay, okay.
He crosses to his daughter, cups her face.
CLAY
God knows babies are a blessing, even out of wedlock. You going to marry this boy?
Emmy shakes her head ‘yes.’
EMMY
Uh-huh.
Hannah smiles.
CLAY
Then, honey, our families will work it all out.
Emmy struggles, her eyes dart from her mother to her father.
EMMY
He’s black.
This is news to Hannah.
HANNAH
What? You didn’t tell me that! Clay, she never told me that! Oh, God!
Clay distances himself from Emmy.
CLAY
You laid with a black boy?! My daughter? No. No child of mine would ever do that because she would have respect for herself! She would have respect for her father!
EMMY
I do have respect for you, Daddy, but times have changed!
Clay can’t, won’t accept this.
CLAY
He raped you, didn’t he? Just like my poor sister was raped!
EMMY
No! He didn’t rape me! I gave myself to him out of love! We had it all worked out. He’s moving soon to take a job out of state. I was to follow him in a month. No one would have to know about the baby. I would just come to visit you.
Like he was gut-punched, Clay can’t breathe.
EMMY
But then I told my friend, because I had to tell someone, and she must’ve told someone else–
CLAY
–And now the whole town knows -which is why we had a cross burned on our lawn last night! Well, my stupid little girl, you tell your friend it was a joke and then you end it!
HANNAH
Clay! You know how I feel about that!
EMMY
And I wouldn’t! I want this baby!
Clay struggles to comprehend it all.
CLAY
You know who I am, and you did it to me anyway?
EMMY
Daddy, I’m sorry! I didn’t know it would go this far!
He battles to maintain composure.
CLAY
Get out of my sight.
Emmy starts picking up the dishes.
EMMY
I’ll do the dishes first and then I’ll go upstairs so you and momma can talk.
CLAY
So we can talk? Let me remind you, this is my house and I’m telling you to leave and never come back!
Emmy searches her mother’s face.
EMMY
Momma?
Hannah reaches for her daughter but Clay raises a hand to stop her.
CLAY
(To Hannah)
We no longer have a daughter.
Hannah strains toward her daughter but doesn’t dare move.
HANNAH
I’ll help you pack, honey.
Now Emmy’s gut-punched.
EMMY
You’ll help me pack?
Clay glares at his wife before turning to Emmy.
CLAY
No, you won’t. Everything she has, we’ve given to her. She leaves with nothing.
Emmy looks to her mother for one last chance at stopping this but Hannah’s paralyzed.
CLAY
Get out!
Crying, Emmy runs out. Hannah’s sobs.
HANNAH
Oh God! My baby! Clay, please?
CLAY
Don’t! This is all your fault with your permissive ‘can’t we all just live together’ bullshit!
Clay upends the table and then storms from the room, leaving Hannah gasping for breath.
-
Cameron,
Dramatic I’ll say! This really hooked me. And when the turnaround came with Markus killing Apollo, well, I was shaken. My only confusion was in the opening bunk scene. I think I got that Markus was helping Apollo descend but when Apollo says that his arm is tired – I thought I had read the prior action incorrectly. I re-read and don’t think I did, hence my confusion over why Apollo’s one arm would be tired.
The vivid environment you created also sucked me right in. I’m a huge sci-fi fan so not much is fresh for me, but this was! Congrats!
-
Kate, now that you’ve strengthened the part about the permit being fake, it really creates a lovely “all is lost moment” for the group which intensifies the stakes. Nice!
Dev
-
Dana,
Thanks for the explanation on DID. This helps me with your new opening. Again, I think it’s excellent. Please read my VERSION 3.
You rock!
Dev
-
DEV ROSS – VERSION 3 (Thanks for your notes!)
CLAY- Grand Dragon of the KKK who is rapidly losing his power and desperately wants to regain it.
HANNAH – Wife who sees her husband going into a downward spiral and wants to stop him to save the family, but her fear makes her passive.
EMMY – Loves but is terrified of her father. Wants her mother to save her.
This scene takes place after the SONS OF PATRIOTS – white supremacists – burnt a cross on Clay’s front lawn.
EXT. CLAY’S FRONT LAWN – PREDAWN
In the shadows of predawn, Clay, wearing one of those forehead flashlights, hurriedly rakes up the burnt remnants of the cross burnt on his lawn the night before. The breaking dawn sends shafts of light over the neighborhood, forcing Clay to pick up his pace. No way he wants to be seen cleaning up this mess. Then, he spots a woman, ANGELA, walking her dog down the sidewalk toward him.
CLAY
(Under his breath)
Damnit.
He looks up at her, forces a smile.
CLAY
Hey! Morning there, Angela!
She hurriedly leads her dog across the street to avoid him.
ANGELA
Morning, Clay! You have a nice day!
CLAY
Sure will! You, too!
He waits until she’s down the street before he angrily dumps the debris into the trash.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Hannah and Emmy gingerly pick at their breakfast while Clay seems determined to eat. Hannah cautiously starts the conversation.
HANNAH
I don’t understand, Clay. Why us?
CLAY
Not us, me. They’re sending a message.
Emmy looks as if she’s about to speak but doesn’t.
CLAY
I’m not doing enough and fast enough, so Adam Spencer’s minions are goading me.
Hannah, increasingly anxious, can no longer pretend to eat.
CLAY
I’ll handle it.
HANNAH
You’ll handle it? Clay, there was a cross burned on our front lawn last night. What’s next? Bullets through the windows? For the love of God, why are you acting as if this was nothing?
CLAY
Because it’s an empty provocation.
Off her timid look…
CLAY
What? You think I’m too weak to handle those sons of bitches?
Backpedaling…
HANNAH
Of course not. Clay, I just want peace. I just want-
Clay slams his fist on the table.
CLAY
Lord! I’m sick of you mincing words like I’m too frail to handle what my wife has to say!
Hannah takes his plate, scraps food into the trash, cleans up with her face to the task rather than him.
HANNAH
I want out of this. I’m sick of it. Can’t we just live with other people without having to hate them?
CLAY
I don’t hate anybody! I’m just trying to set things back to where they’re supposed to be. Why can’t you be supportive of me?!
Emmy, who’s been holding back…
EMMY
Stop!
Clay and Hannah finally take note their daughter.
EMMY
Daddy… This isn’t about you.
CLAY
No? Then who? You see any uppity black people living here?
Emmy briefly meets his eyes but can’t hold them.
CLAY
Do you?
She doesn’t answer.
CLAY
Answer me! Do you see any black people living here?!
Emmy forces her words out…
EMMY
I’m pregnant.
Hannah looks to her husband before responding. When he doesn’t, she tries to lighten things up.
HANNAH
So, all right. It’s never a good time for a baby – especially after having a cross burned on our lawn – but I’m sure our families can work it out.
CLAY
Your mother’s right. Babies are a blessing. We’ll work it out. But what’s this got to do with what happened last night?
Emmy struggles with her answer.
HANNAH
Honey?
EMMY
He’s black.
HANNAH
What? Oh… Oh, God!
CLAY
You laid with a black boy?! My daughter? No. No child of mine would ever do that because she would have respect for me!
EMMY
I do have respect for you, Daddy, but times have changed!
CLAY
He raped you, didn’t he? Just like my poor sister was raped!
EMMY
No! I love him! We had it all worked out. He’s moving soon to take a job out of state. I was to follow him in a month. No one would know. I would just come to visit you.
Like he was gut-punched, Clay can’t breathe.
EMMY
But then I told my friend, because I had to tell someone, and she must’ve told someone else–
CLAY
–And before you know it, the whole town knows! Well, my stupid little girl, you tell your friend it was a joke and then you end it!
HANNAH
Clay! You know how I feel about that!
EMMY
And I wouldn’t! I want it!
CLAY
You know who I am, and you did this anyway?
Clay battles to maintain composure. He’s losing…
CLAY
Get out of my sight.
Emmy starts picking up the dishes.
EMMY
I’ll do the dishes first and then I’ll go upstairs so you and momma can talk.
CLAY
So, we can talk? Let me remind you, this is my house and I’m telling you to leave and never come back!
Emmy searches her mother’s face.
EMMY
Momma?
Hannah reaches for her daughter, but Clay raises a hand to stop her.
CLAY
(To Hannah)
We no longer have a daughter.
Hannah strains toward her daughter but doesn’t dare move.
HANNAH
I’ll help you pack, honey.
Now Emmy’s gut punched.
EMMY
You’ll help me pack?
Clay glares at his wife before turning to Emmy.
CLAY
No, you won’t. Everything she has, we’ve given to her.
(To Emmy)
You leave with nothing.
Emmy looks to her mother for one last chance at stopping this but Hannah’s paralyzed.
CLAY
Get out!
Crying, Emmy runs out. Hannah’s sobs.
HANNAH
Oh God! My baby! Clay, please?
CLAY
Don’t! This is all your fault with your ‘can’t we all just live together’ bullshit!
Clay upends the table and then storms from the room, leaving Hannah gasping for breath.
-
Dana,
I thought about your notes again and have now done a VERSION THREE!
Thanks so!
Dev
-
Dana! Yes! I figured out the ‘switch!’ Not a switch though… It’s total String Theory stuff!
Dev
-
Great notes Dana. I believe you’ve commented on my first version, and I may have – in some fashion – already have addressed your comments in my second version, though not in the exact ways you’ve suggested. I’d so appreciate if you give the second version a read if you have a chance.
Thanks so much!
Dev
-
GOOD SCENE! AND– I THINK IT COULD GO HOTTER IN THE DIALOGUE TO CREATE MORE TENSION. AND — YOU’VE SUCCESSFULLY CREATED A FUTURE FOR LUCIANNA AND MIA!
DEV
LUCIANNA
He is back! You think what he has been doing is bad?
She lifts a letter off the table and holds it aloft in a theatrical manner.
LUCIANNA
This letter arrives (ARRIVED) yesterday. His newest attack? To take away our beautiful country! To drive us out! A huge landfill! Right here!
Muttering and shouts of disapproval and shock.
IAN
(mid-40s)
How can he do that? What about permits (and so on?) ENDING ON PERMITS is stronger.
Lucianna holds up her hand.
LUCIANNA
Oh, he’s taken care of that. I don’t know who he has BRIBED but in this letter? A PERMIT!!
More shouts of disapproval.
SYLVIE
(late 70s)
Where the hell would he get that? We didn’t give it! (MY LOGIC TELLS ME SLYVIE WOULD KNOW THE COMMUNITY COULDN’T GIVE A PERMIT. OR IS SHE SOME KIND OF OFFICIAL IN THE TOWN?)
LUIS
(early 30s)
It must be a fake. He’s trying to pull one over us. (TO MAKE THIS STRONGER, I SUGGEST MAKING IT AN OUT RIGHT ACCUSATION. “IT’S A FAKE! ….)
HAROLD
(late 70s – Sylvie’s husband))
Yeah! He can’t just waltz in and do that! (LINE NOT STRONG ENOUGH – SHOULD PLAY OFF OF FAKE AND THE REPERCUSSIONS THEREIN)
Crowd nodding and agreeing. Francis stands up, gets their attention.
FRANCIS
He can. It’s not a fake. We are not an incorporated town. He went straight to the county. (I BELIEVE THIS LINE WOULD PLAY BETTER IF SET UP WITH ALL THE STRONG ACCUSATIONS COMING PRIOR ONLY FOR FRANCIS TO BURST THEIR BUBBLE WITH THE FACTS.)
SUSAN
(early 30 – Luis’ wife))
So, we’re screwed? No sustainable community?
BOB
(mid 40s)
It’s outrageous. (WE ARE AWARE OF THEIR SENTIMENTS, SO HOW ABOUT BOB SAYING SOMETHING MORE DEFEATED THAT WOULD SET EVERYONE OFF?)
The entire group is up in arms except one man – BILL, a skinny guy of indeterminate age over 40, in an old greenish suit with a red bow tie.
LUCIANNA
We stop him, yes? We make a plan. All in favor?
The crowd all starts to raise their hands in agreement. Bill stands up, waiting. Gradually people notice him and quiet falls.
FRANCIS
Yes? Um…?
BILL
Bill. What about a discussion?
HAROLD
Old Seth’s boy?
BILL
He was my father, yes.
HAROLD
I wouldn’t shout about it. (GREAT LINE!)
DAVE
Now Harold, that’s old stuff. (WILL THIS SET-UP PAY OFF LATER?) Give the lad a chance to speak.
LUCIANNA
Please come up here, where we can all see you.
BILL
I’m fine here. I have a question. Mayor Sanchez – where exactly is the landfill to be built?
There is a slight pause.
LUCIANNA
On the Ranchero de Sanchez land. The Green Hill.
A gasp from the crowd. This is her family land and home that Darrogh won from her grandfather 4 years ago.
SYLVIE
Oh Lucianna. How terrible.
BILL
So, would it be fair to say you have a Very personal stake in this – fight?
LUCIANNA
Yes. It is true but even if it were not my land I would be against it. It is not good for any of us. Who wants a landfill here?
Shouts of agreement.
BILL
What Mayor Sanchez didn’t tell you is that there is an offer that would be good for you.
A quiet falls.
BILL
Mr McGrath is offering to buy any little plot of land from whoever wants to sell. A generous amount. Pay off your debts.
IAN
But he already has the Sanchez place, why would he want more?
LUCIANNA
He wants to make this whole place a land fill. One big trash heap.
DAVE
It makes no sense. Why come here, build a big house and then trash the place?
A middle-aged, worn-out woman puts up her hand.
WOMAN
How much is he offering? I could use the help. Then I could leave. I have nothing here.
A few people quietly agree with her.
BILL
The offer is on the table for ONE WEEK only. Mr. McGrath will develop it on what he has, no-one will buy your land. It will be worthless! Being so close to a landfill on top of the hill.
The room is silent.
BILL
I’ll leave some cards on the table. Call me if you’re interested.
Bill walks to the front of the room, drops off the cards and heads to the door.
BILL
One week.
Bill exits. The room breaks into small groups all talking loudly about what has happened. Lucianna sits at the table, furious, hurt. Francis supports her.
INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
Ian and Bob are talking quietly
IAN
There’s something going on here. Not like Lucianna to be, well, a bit sneaky.
BILL
I think she hasn’t got over how Darrogh got the ranch from her grandfather.
IAN
Would you?
BILL
No. I wouldn’t.
INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
Harold, Dave and Sylvie talkin.g
SYLVIE
Poor Lucianna. It was awful enough her grandfather lost the place but a land fill?
HAROLD
It’s a mean thing to do.
DAVE
Like I said, there’s more to this. It’s almost like that man wants to destroy Lucianna.
SYLVIE
He doesn’t even know her!
HAROLD
It makes no sense.
INT.CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
The Woman and another man.
WOMAN
I’m going to take one of those cards. At least find out a little more.
MAN
It can’t hurt. (I SUGGEST DOING THE MAN AND WOMAN EXCHANGE NON-VERBALLY WHILE TRYING TO AVOID LUCIANNA’S EYEBALLING THEM.)
They head toward the table, take a card each. Avoiding Lucianna’s eye, they leave.
Lucianna takes a breath and stands. Francis rings a bell,. Quiet falls on the room as people take their seats again.
LUCIANNA
I apologize to you. I was not honest about the offer to buy you out. I didn’t think that anyone would be interested.
She pauses.
LUCIANNA
I didn’t want anyone to be interested.
SYLVIE
We understand, Lucianna.
SUSAN
The real question now is, what do we do?
The crowd starts up again. Ian stands and shouts above the noise.
IAN
I say we all go home, sleep on it and meet again –
BILL
Tomorrow.
LUCIANNA
Gracias. Manana.
People begin to tidy up all talking.
CUT TO:
INT. CHURCH HALL – SIDE VESTIBULE
Nia is standing there, she has been there all along hidden from view, listening. She is appalled.
-
Dana, this new opening is KILLER! Just hooked me right in! Great job! Just a few comments.
Ellen says she’s spoken to him before about his new relationship and he seems encouraging about it because he says it’s “developing.” To me, this comment indicates hope in a future. But that future is immediately dashed by him saying he’s overwhelmed, and disregarded. This transition seems very fast to me. I’m wondering if she might ‘call back’ some of the info he shared on their first conversation (since it seems it was more positive) to then show how this second conversation is now so diametrically different. Again, I only comment on this because I found his transition into speaking about the ‘others’ too abrupt.
Other than that, I found this new opening just stellar!!
Dev
-
DEV ROSS – VERSION 2
CLAY: Grand Dragon of the KKK who is slipping in power and wants it back.
HANNAH: Wants to keep her family together no matter the consequences.
EMMY: Afraid of the father she loves, needs her mother to support her.
EXT. CLAY’S FRONT LAWN – PREDAWN
In the shadows of predawn, Clay, wearing one of those forehead flashlights, hurriedly rakes up the burnt remnants of the cross burnt on his lawn the night before. The breaking dawn sends shafts of light over the neighborhood, forcing Clay to pick up his pace. No way he wants to be seen cleaning up this mess. Then, he spots a woman, ANGELA, walking her dog down the sidewalk toward him.
CLAY
(Under his breath)
Damnit.
He looks up at her, forces a smile.
CLAY
Hey! Morning there, Angela!
She hurriedly leads her dog across the street to avoid him.
ANGELA
Morning, Clay! You have a nice day!
CLAY
Sure will! You too!
He waits until she’s down the street before he angrily dumps the debris into the trash.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Hannah and Emmy gingerly pick at their breakfast while Clay seems determined to eat his like nothing is wrong. Hannah cautiously starts the conversation.
HANNAH
I don’t understand, Clay. Why us?
CLAY
Not us, me. They’re sending a message.
Emmy looks as if she’s about to speak but doesn’t.
CLAY (CONT’D)
I’m not doing enough and fast enough, so Adam Spencer’s minions are goading me.
Hannah, increasingly anxious, can no longer pretend to eat.
CLAY (CONT’D)
I’ll handle it.
HANNAH
You’ll handle it? Clay, there was a cross burned on our front lawn last night. What’s next? Bullets through the windows? For the love of God, why are you acting as if this was nothing?
CLAY
Because it’s an empty provocation. What? You think I’m too weak to handle those sons of bitches?
Backpedaling…
HANNAH
Of course not. Clay, I just want peace. I just want-
Clay slams his fist on the table.
CLAY
Lord! I’m sick of you mincing words like I’m too frail to handle what my wife has to say!
Hannah takes his plate, scraps food into the trash, cleans up with her face to the task rather than him.
HANNAH
I just want out of this. I’m sick of it. Can’t we just live with other people without having to hate them?
CLAY
I don’t hate anybody! I’m just trying to set things back to where they’re supposed to be. Why can’t you be supportive of me?!
Emmy, who’s been holding back…
EMMY
Stop!
Clay and Hannah finally take note their daughter.
EMMY
Daddy… This isn’t about you.
CLAY
No? Then who? You see any uppity black people living here?
Emmy forces her words out…
EMMY
I’m pregnant.
Hannah looks to her husband before responding. When he doesn’t, she tries to lightened things up.
HANNAH
So, all right. It’s never a good time for a baby – especially after having a cross burned on our lawn – but I’m sure our families can work it out.
CLAY
Your mother’s right. We’ll work it out, but what’s this got to do with what happened last night?
Emmy struggles with her answer.
HANNAH
Honey?
EMMY
He’s black.
HANNAH
What? Oh! Oh, God!
CLAY
You laid with a black boy?! My daughter? No. A child of mine would never do that because she would have respect for herself and for her family!
EMMY
I do have respect for you, Daddy, but times have changed!
CLAY
He raped you, didn’t he? Just like my poor sister was raped!
EMMY
No! I love him! We had it all worked out. He’s moving soon to take a job out of state. I was to follow him in a month. No one would know. I would just come to visit you.
Like he was gut-punched, Clay can’t breathe.
EMMY
But then I told my friend, because I had to tell someone, and she must’ve told someone else–
CLAY
–And before you know it, the whole town knows! Well, my sweet, stupid, little girl, you tell your friend it was a joke and then you end it!
HANNAH
Clay! You know how I feel about that!
EMMY
And I wouldn’t! I want it!
CLAY
You want it? You know who I am and you did this to me anyway? Get out of my sight.
Emmy starts picking up the dishes.
EMMY
I’ll do the dishes first and then I’ll go upstairs so you and momma can talk.
CLAY
So, we can talk? Let me remind you, this is my house and I’m telling you to leave and never come back.
Emmy searches her mother’s face.
EMMY
Momma?
Hannah reaches for her daughter, but Clay raises a hand to stop her.
CLAY
(To Hannah)
We no longer have a daughter.
Hannah strains toward her daughter but doesn’t dare make a move.
HANNAH
I’ll help you pack, honey.
Now Emmy’s gut-punched.
EMMY
You’ll help me pack?
Clay glares at his wife before turning to Emmy.
CLAY
No, you won’t. Everything she has, we’ve given to her.
(To Emmy)
You leave with nothing.
Emmy looks to her mother for one last chance at stopping this but Hannah’s paralyzed.
CLAY
Get out!
Crying, Emmy runs out. Hannah’s sobs.
HANNAH
Oh God! My baby! Clay, please?
CLAY
Don’t! This is all your fault with your ‘can’t we all just live together’ bullshit!
Clay upends the table and then storms from the room, leaving Hannah gasping for breath.
-
June,
Great dialogue all around! Each character is so deliciously defined by your now fast-paced, carefully chosen character-driven words. Only a few comments: A few times I felt scenes went on too long. An example is after Marilyn falls. I’m wondering why we need Jeanie and Conner (unless they’ve been established earlier)? I felt a CUT TO the hospital after she says, “Oh. Oh no…” would pick up the pace and get us where we need to be in the story quicker. The other scene was the one with Kim swimming and the guy hitting on her. I was left not knowing how this delivered any insightful information about her? It seemed a bit random and prolonged the scene. Other that that, GREAT STUFF!
Dev
-
June! As always, great notes! Much to chew on. I’ll be addressing asap. As for the character of Adam… it’s tricky. He may well end up the protagonist but in a way I’m still figuring out. You already seem to be getting a lot of feedback on your work so I hope you won’t mind more. Haven’t read yours yet but your story has me already invested.
THANK YOU!
Dev
-
Dev Ross – DAY 10 – Dramatic devices
Clay Caine: Self-righteous, committed, passionate, deluded.
Seeks to regain his former power by killing a black leader.
Hannah Caine: Self-deprecating, timid, passive.
Wants Clay to leave his position in KKK so she can regain her family.
Emmy Caine: Lacks resiliency, needs approval despite wanting to be independent.
Goes from scared and needing love, to defiant to defeated.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS LESSON WAS TO WORK TO DIAL UP THE TENSION BY HAVING MY CHARACTERS ALL WORKING FOR DIFFERENT ENDS.
EXT. CLAY’S FRONT LAWN – DAWN
The sun just coming up, Clay hurriedly rakes up remnants of the burnt cross before the rest of his neighbors wake up. Clay spots a woman, ANGELA, walking her dog down the sidewalk toward him. He forces a smile.
CLAY
Morning, Angela!
She hurriedly leads her dog across the street.
ANGELA
Yes, morning, Clay! Have a nice day!
CLAY
Sure will! You, too!
He dumps the debris into the trash.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Clay, Hannah, and Emmy eat a quiet breakfast when Hannah, though keeping her head down, can no longer remain silent.
HANNAH
I don’t understand, Clay. Why us?
CLAY
Us? This is about me. They’re sending me a message.
HANNAH
A message?
Emmy looks as if she’s about to speak but doesn’t.
CLAY
I’m not doing enough and fast enough, so Adam Spencer’s minions are goading me.
HANNAH
Okay, so what do we do?
CLAY
I’ll handle it.
Hannah, anxious, gets up from the table.
HANNAH
You’ll handle it? Clay, there was a cross burning in our front yard! What’s next? Bullets through the windows? For the love of God, we need to leave!
CLAY
You think I’m too weak to handle those sons of bitches? You think I’m so afraid of them, I’d leave?
Backpedaling…
HANNAH
Of course, you’re not afraid of them. I just want peace. I just want-
Hannah makes herself stop.
CLAY
Lord, I’m sick of you mincing words like I’m too frail to handle what my wife has to say.
HANNAH
I want out of this! I’m sick of it! Can’t we just live with other people without having to hate them?
CLAY
I don’t hate anybody! I’m just trying to set things back to where they are supposed to be.
Emmy, who’s been holding back…
EMMY
Stop! This isn’t about you, Daddy!
CLAY
Then who? You see any uppity black people living here?
EMMY
I’m pregnant.
Hannah looks to her husband before responding. When he doesn’t, she does…
HANNAH
So, all right. It’s never a good time to have a baby but I’m sure our families can work it out.
CLAY
Your mother’s right. We’ll work it out, but what’s this got to do with a cross burning on our lawn?
EMMY
My baby’s daddy is black.
HANNAH
Oh, God!
CLAY
You laid with a black boy?! I’ll choke the life right out of him!
EMMY
No!
CLAY
Why? Because you and your momma think I’m impotent now?
EMMY
No, because I love him. We had it all worked out. He’s moving soon to take a job out of state. I was to follow him in a month. No one would know. I would just come to visit you.
Like he was gut-punched, Clay can’t breathe.
EMMY
But then I told my friend, because I had to tell someone, and she must’ve told someone else…
CLAY
Tell your friend it was a joke, and then end it!
HANNAH
No! You know how I feel about that!
EMMY
And I wouldn’t! I want it!
CLAY
You want it. You know who I am, and you did this anyway. Leave my sight.
Emmy starts picking up the dishes.
EMMY
I’ll do the dishes first and then I’ll go upstairs.
CLAY
No, you leave my house now.
EMMY
You’re kicking me out?
Momma?
Hannah reaches for her daughter, but Clay raises a hand to stop her.
CLAY
(To Hannah)
We no longer have a daughter.
(To Emmy)
Get out.
Emmy holds back.
HANNAH
Can I help her pack at least?
CLAY
Everything she has, we’ve given to her. She leaves with nothing.
Emmy looks to her mother for one last chance at stopping this but Hannah’s paralyzed.
CLAY
Get out!
Crying, Emmy runs out. Hannah’s sobs.
HANNAH
At least let her take a few things.
When Clay doesn’t respond, Hannah rushes out.
-
Dev Ross – Day 9 – Create a future for your scene
Clay is self-righteous, passionate, committed. His intention is to reclaim his former glory and control.
INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT
Clay watches the news which shows Adam Spencer leading his torch carrying followers in a march down a city street.
ADAM SPENCER/CROWD
Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us!
An odd electrical TV glitch causes the channel to switch to a report on climate change.
TV NEWS WOMAN
So, the pressing question becomes – what role is climate change playing in the current global windstorms we’re seeing? Climate scientists tell us…
Frustrated, he punches at the remote button.
CLAY
They tell us bullshit. God’s in charge, not them.
The glitching TV brings back the news.
ADAM SPENCER/CROWD
Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us!
CLAY
Idiots.
Their chanting is interrupted by a group of black and whites converging on them with signage and fists.
CLAY
No! No! No!
Seething, he shuts off the TV. He takes a few breaths to calm himself and then turns it back to watch as police pile into the battling crowd. He forces himself to watch with a calm but intense focus.
CLAY
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward.”
-
Dev Ross – Misleads/Reveals
Clay: Committed, passionate, self-righteous. To regain his former glory and leadership by assassinating a black leader.
Margaret: religious woman who thinks out of the box. In this scene, she only tells Clay what he needs to know and hear in order to get him to do as she wishes.
WHAT I LEARNED is how using this technique very simply can turn a seemingly simple and innocent scene into something far deeper once the reveal.
EXT. MARGARET’S HOUSE – DAY
Clay paints the outside of the house as attentively as if creating a canvas masterpiece. He sands, tapes off, mixes and applies paint with a cool serenity.
As he paints, he senses he’s being watched. He turns to see MARGARET, a religious woman in her sixties, observing him.
CLAY
Margaret. How long have you been standing there?
MARGARET
Long enough to know you are a true ar-tist.
Clay continues his work, but he likes the compliment.
CLAY
You flatter me. I just make sure whatever I do, I do to the best of my ability.
Margaret moves to grab his attention for what’s coming.
MARGARET
I know that. And that’s why I’m going to ask something of you. Something I’ve prayed on.
Clay sets down his paintbrush.
CLAY
Margaret? Is everything all right?
MARGARET
It will be if you say ‘yes.’
He turns from his work to give her full attention.
CLAY
Then tell me what I’m saying ‘yes’ to.
INT. MARGARET’S HOUSE – A SHORT TIME LATER
Margaret serves Clay tea and cookies.
MARGARET
You know my son’s had a hard time of it raising his son alone.
CLAY
Sure, I’ve heard stories.
MARGARET
There not stories. My son is… well, some men are just not cut out to be fathers, so I have Elijah now.
CLAY
Well, thank the Lord he has you.
MARGARET
But he needs more than me. He needs a good man to mentor him.
CLAY
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
Margaret nods, her eyes closed as if in prayer.
MARGARET
Exactly.
She opens her eyes to look him square in his.
MARGARET
Can I count on you?
Clay loves to be ‘counted on.’
CLAY
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.
Margaret smiles gratefully. She’s relieved.
MARGARET
Psalm 37:5
THIS SCENE SETS UP THE LATER SCENE where Clay discovers Elijah is mixed race and tries to back out but Margaret holds him to his word.
-
Dev Ross – DAY 7 – The Crucible
CLAY CAINE: Grand Dragon of KKK – prideful, self-righteous, committed, chip on shoulder
LINCOLN ABLE: Black Activist – compassionate, elitist, committed, chip on shoulder
Subtext: Clay desperately seeks to regain his former power. Lincoln desperately wants to understand what is driving Clay while fighting his desire to kill him.
What I learned: I learned how making their environment a closed one, like a fight arena, raises the stakes and the tension. I loved playing with it.
EXT. GRASSY FIELD/ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
Clay plows through a grassy field toward an abandoned Cotton Mill that stands as a memorial to what once fueled a now dying community.
Lincoln, who’s been following him, appears in the distance.
LINCOLN
Stop running. I just want to talk!
Clay sprints to the mill, then tries several doors before he finds one that he barely wrests open before he heads inside.
Lincoln runs through the field toward the mill. He finds the door, yanks hard at it to open, enters.
The wide -open door slowly, slowly swings toward being closed.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln stands before rows upon rows of old cotton processing equipment. Light from the moon streams in through a broken roof. The heavy door behind him finally shuts, bringing more darkness.
LINCOLN
I know you’re in here. Come out so we can talk. Whatever this is between us has to stop! No one else has to die!
Lincoln keeps searching.
CLAY (O.S.)
Wrong! I must remove the parasite before it kills the host!
Several shots ring out. Lincoln ducks. Clay steps out of the shadows and starts blindly shooting.
CLAY
Once I kill you, all will be set right!
Lincoln continues to duck behind equipment.
LINCOLN
What will be set right?
Bullets speed past him.
CLAY (O.S.)
My place! Where I need to be to hold back the change that cannot happen! You’re that change!
Lincoln readies his gun.
LINCOLN
I’m just one man!
CLAY (O.S.)
But you’re the spark! Extinguish you, stop the fire!
LINCOLN
Okay, so who I am threatens you. We can talk about that!
More bullets hit around him. He runs off.
Clay emerges, shoots the handle off the door, then searches for Lincoln.
CLAY
There, now you see. No way out and no talking. God chooses me this time.
He quietly moves through the rows when he comes up behind Lincoln who squats in hiding. Clay raises his gun to shoot him in the back when a shimmer passes over Lincoln. The shimmer passes and Lincoln is gone.
-
DAY 6
Dev Ross – Amazing Settings
What I learned was that by changing the setting in two places, I found that I could deepen the content of the scene without having to add dialogue. Just my character’s physical and emotional connection to the new location spoke volumes.
BEFORE:
Essence of Scene: Clay remembers a time of awe and glory – all given to him by his grandpa.
Setting: INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
AFTER:
New Setting: INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
How this has improved the scene: by putting my character at the kitchen sink, he now looks out into his backyard instead of the mirror. By doing so, we realize that he’s still living in the same house his grandpa raised him in. This deepens his emotional ties to the former Klan leader and to Clay carrying on his grandpa’s beliefs.
BEFORE:
Essence of Scene: Clay buys a gun from an established shop.
Setting: EXT. GUN SHOP
AFTER:
Essence of Scene: Clay buys the gun from a local pawn shop.
Setting: EXT. LOCAL PAWN SHOP
Clay is well-known in his town, so buying a good used gun for cheap would make sense since the owner would know him, and because Clay doesn’t make much money. Also, the owner might be more likely to forgot to do the background check because he knows Clay and supports his beliefs. Also, just because of my own past history, it was a pawn shop owner who introduced me to his town’s KKK leader who I then interviewed.
-
Dev Ross – Day 5 – Set ups/Pay offs
What I learned: This was a tough one for me. I read and reread my outline and didn’t find any scene that I felt I could truly set something up that would pay off by end of scene. Unusual for me but my story is unusual for me! Then I thought of it more metaphorically and the result is my scene below!
Clay: Fearful of being seen as impotent.
Hannah: Desperately wants love, intimacy.
Clay goes from frustration to anger.
Hannah goes from frustration to despair.
IDEA: Clay can’t get it up in bed. Meanwhile, somewhere a cross is being erected. End of scene, we discover it’s on his lawn.
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Hannah exits the bathroom, slips into bed next to Clay, who is turned away from her. Hannah moves into snuggle. She buries her face in his back and then let’s her hand roam over his chest and then down his stomach to his groin. Caine elbows her hand away.
CAINE
Don’t. I’m tired.
Hannah puts her hand on his shoulder and rubs.
HANNAH
I know, honey. You work so hard. This better?
He moans that it is. But her shoulder rub soon travels down his arm and back to between his legs. Again, he elbows her hand away. Hannah suppresses her hurt then tries again by rubbing her nose gently into his neck.
HANNAH
Is this okay?
When he doesn’t answer, she pulls herself to her knees and rolls him over. Now she plants gentle kisses all over his face and then begins to work her way down. Caine moans and relaxes into it.
EXT. STREET – NIGHT
A group of men, their faces buried in their hoodies, pull a large wooden cross out of the back of their parked truck.
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – CONTINOUS
Hannah works, patiently, gingerly, but nothing happens. She licks her fingers, and rubs…
EXT. STREET – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
The hooded men set the cross down on the lawn and then slowly push it up so that it’s erect.
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Caine’s face, having been momentarily relaxed, tenses.
EXT. LAWN – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
The hooded men douse the cross in gasoline and then set it ablaze. As it burns, it illuminates Clay’s home in the b.g.
INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Clay grabs Hannah’s hand, pulls it away.
CAINE
I told you. I can’t.
Light flicks across their faces. From outside, rings the sounds of cruel laughter…
VOICES (O.S.)
Traitors! SINOS!
Clay jumps up, throws open the curtains. The huge cross burns on his lawn.
EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
He races outside in time to see the hooded men screeching away in their truck, their triumphant whoops and laughter ringing into the night. As they speed away, they toss out one last epitaph.
HOODED MAN
Nigger lovers!
Hannah steps up next to Clay who peers at the erect and burning cross in utter humiliation.
-
DAY 4 – DEV ROSS – Twists
What I learned doing this lesson: Twists can explain so much about a character without too much exposition but rather, the pieces falling together!
CHARACTERS:
Caine: Passionate, committed, self-righteous, desperate need for respect.
Caine’s Sister: AAA member, truth teller, willing to bare all because the truth is all she’s got.
Caine’s intention: to have his sister forgive him and understand him.
Sister’s intention: To set her brother straight. To get him to finally accept the truth.
INT. CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Caine sits in the shadows, dials his cell phone. A sleepy female voice answers – Caine’s sister, Evie.
EVIE (O.S.)
(Sleepy)
Hello?
CAINE
Evie, it’s me, your baby brother.
EVIE
Caine? What the fuck? It’s the middle of the night here. What do you want?
CAINE
I just wanted to say I’m sorry.
EVIE
Honey, you were just a little kid.
CAINE
No! Grandpa taught me how to shoot! I could have tracked those nigger boys down and blown their heads off!
EVIE
Oh… that. Baby brother, it’s time you knew the truth.
CAINE
The truth? I don’t understand.
EVIE
Caine, I wasn’t raped. I took on those boys as a ‘fuck you’ to Grandpa.
CAINE
What?
EVIE
Grandpa made all that rape shit up to protect himself.
CAINE
Why would he do that?
EVIE
Because he’d been molesting me for years!
CAINE
No! He wouldn’t do that! Don’t say that!
INT. KKK GRANDPA’S HOME – KID’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Young Clay sleeps when the bedroom door opening wakes him. Grandpa strokes the boy’s hair…
GRANDPA
Go back to sleep, Clay. I’m just here to watch over you and your sister. I’m your angel.
Clay nods, feeling protected as he turns over and closes his eyes. To the hushed sounds of his Grandpa and his sister’s soft but distressed sounds of protest, Clay keeps his eyes tightly shut.
OUT OF FLASHBACK-
INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
CLAY
No… You are a liar, just like my wife and daughter! You’ve all betrayed me with the black!
As he rants…
EVIE
Caine. Caine! Grandpa told me he’d kill you if I ever told!
CLAY
You’re lying!
EVIE
No! Look, I’ve given up on anyone ever believing me, but what I’m talking about is your momma, your real momma. Yeah, our daddy loved him his black women. You were just an infant when she dropped you off. She said you were too white looking for her to raise on her own.
CLAY
I don’t understand what you’re saying.
EVIE
I think you do. Your real momma was a black woman daddy was diddling. Why do you think my momma and him fought all the time?
No answer.
EVIE
Clay? Clay? I know the truth hurts but, baby brother, there comes a time–
Clay hangs up on her. Standing in the shadows, his breath comes fast and hard.
-
Dev Ross – Dramatic Irony
What I learned from doing this lesson is how much writing where the audience knows something while a character does not, pulls at the audience’s heartstrings and tightens the screws on the drama.
Emmy begs to come home not knowing what we, the audience knows, which is that her father has murdered her mother.
INT. CLAY HOME – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Clay enters. He sets his gun down, removes his coat when he reacts to an anguished sniffle coming from the darkened room. He draws his gun, aims it into the shadows.
CLAY
Who’s there?
EMMY (O.S.)
It’s me, Daddy.
Clay flicks the light to reveal his wreck of a daughter sitting tiny on the couch, her sweater pulled tightly around her. Clay lowers his gun.
CLAY
I told you, you’re not welcome in my home.
EMMY
Daddy, I made a mistake…
She stands, pulls open her sweater to show she’s no longer pregnant.
EMMY (CON’T)
But the Lord corrected it. Please. I’m ready to do penance, Daddy. Anything you want me to do. I just want to come home.
CLAY
You lost the baby?
EMMY
Yes. The Lord took it. It was my punishment.
She steps toward him, embraces him.
EMMY
You were right, Daddy, it never should’ve happened.
CLAY
No, never. Never.
EMMY
But I’m home now. And I love you so much. And I love Momma so much. Where is she? I went to her work but…
Clay releases her.
CLAY
Your momma… is away for a while.
EMMY
For how long?
CLAY
I don’t know. She left me.
EMMY
Oh… But she’ll come back. I know she will. She loves you, Daddy. But I’m here now and I’ll take care of you until she does!
CLAY
No. No, no, no! You can’t come home.
EMMY
Why?
CLAY
Because… you’re tainted! No decent white man will ever have you now! Your womb is befouled!
EMMY
Daddy, you’re just being spiteful! You don’t mean it!
CLAY
I do mean it. You are infected! You are contaminated!
EMMY
Then forgive me and then help me!
CLAY
I can’t!
EMMY
Then when Momma comes home, she will!
CLAY
No, she won’t! She won’t. You’re on your own now.
He grabs her arm, pulls her toward the door.
EMMY
But I’m your daughter. You can’t just throw me away! Daddy! You can’t just throw me away!
Clay tosses her out, slams the door, then listens to her crying and pounding on the door as he walks away…
-
Conflict and Tension
What I learned what that by continually driving up the tension between two characters, escalates the stakes and drives the story unyieldingly forward.
INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – EARLY EVENING
Clay watches TV news as Hannah, dressed for work as a nurse at the hospital, comes downstairs.
HANNAH
Honey, I’m off to work. I left your dinner warming in the oven. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and that peas and carrots blend you like.
CLAY
Sounds good.
She moves towards him.
HANNAH
What are you watching?
CLAY
Thought you had to get to work.
HANNAH
Well, I do have a few minutes. Maybe we can just sit together and catch up.
When Clay doesn’t respond, Hannah turns her attention to the TV. Clay’s been watching Lincoln Able being interviewed on their local news show. The interview carries on in the b.g. as Clay and Hannah converse.
HANNAH
Boy, that Lincoln Able is sure something. All the black nurses are talking about him.
CLAY
And you know what the black nurses are talking about? Because you’re all best friends now?
HANNAH
No, no, I just work with them.
CLAY
They do know who I am, right?
HANNAH
Oh yeah! They do. They know.
CLAY
And they still talk to you.
HANNAH
No, not really. It’s just that they speak freely around me.
CLAY
Because if you hear, it doesn’t matter, right? Because I don’t matter anymore.
HANNAH
Clay, it’s not like that! You matter! It’s just with that Adam Spencer stirring so much up, people are sick of the hate. They want hope. I want hope!
CLAY
So, Lincoln Able is your hero too?
HANNAH
No! But I can see he’s doing good for his community.
CLAY
And I’m not?
HANNAH
Clay… times are changing.
CLAY
Yes, for the worse, and you can’t see that I’m trying to do good for our people, and our country.
HANNAH
Honey, you’re putting words in my mouth. I’m not comparing you.
CLAY
Then what are you doing?
HANNAH
I’m just trying to have conversation. We hardly talk anymore.
CLAY
Then why are we having this particular conversation? Why not about the weather? Or about how our daughter is about to give birth to a half-breed?
HANNAH
Clay… Honey, I’m just sick of the hate! I don’t want any part of it anymore! I just want us to be a family.
CLAY
And you don’t see the greater purpose? That I’m fighting for all white families!
She stands to leave.
HANNAH
All of them? Maybe you should just start with your own!
Hannah heads back upstairs and then slams out the door. Clay turns his attention back to the TV.
-
Dev Ross – Lesson 1 – Dramatic Choices
What I learned doing this lesson was how even small dramatic choices ratchet up the tension to push one scene into the next. Though I enjoyed the film “Coda,” I didn’t think it was Academy Award material. Still, the way the scenes kept adding dramatic tension via her relationships verses her own desires was well done.
In the first 30 minutes of CODA, we are introduced to RUBY, the only hearing child in her otherwise deaf father. In this time, we see how much her family and their livelihood depend on her hearing ability, how worn it she is by the time she gets to school, how she’s being made fun of by her peers because she often smells like fish and because of her deaf family. We also learn that she has a secret love of music, a great relationship with her dad, a strained one with her mother, and a competitive one with her deaf brother. By the 30-minute mark, Ruby has chickened out of auditioning for choir but then returns after her teacher encourages her.
1. Miles and Ruby are to do a duet together but suck at it because they haven’t rehearsed together due to their awkwardness with one another. Teacher is openly disappointed and chides them.
2. Teacher challenges Ruby to audition for Berkely Music School but she puts up a myriad of excuses – mostly money and her family.
3. Teacher challenges her to work for a music scholarship.
4. Ruby’s mom chastises her for wanting to sing and pushes back on her for joining the choir.
5. Her brother wants to start a fish co-op but since they are deaf, they are powerless to convince other fishermen. Brother’s frustration leads to fight in a bar.
6. Brother begins sexual relationship with Ruby’s best friend.
7. Awkward teen tension between Ruby and Miles while rehearsing. Can’t look into each other’s eyes.
8. Miles hears Ruby’s parents having raucous sex, reports it to a friend who spreads it all over school. Ruby will no longer have anything to do with him.
9. Ruby struggles to free her singing with teacher.
10. Deaf mom is left out of growing business, increasingly isolated, and putting pressure on Ruby not to go too far outside of family.
11. Due to helping her family, Ruby is often late to private music practice with teacher, who doubts her commitment.
12. Deaf mom increasingly feeling ‘out of it’ due to her new hearing co-op partners.
13. Tension builds between Miles and Ruby. He tries to apologize but she won’t accept.
14. Mom pressures Ruby to stay for news interview so she – once again – misses her music rehearsal with teacher.
15. Teacher refuses to work with her any longer. Ruby attacks his failure as a musician. He won’t allow it. She finally admits her co-dependence with her family.
-
Great V2 Kate! The new dialogue really set-up the promise of Nia and Shauun’s relationship without giving anything away. Much more fun in their exchanges this version. Oh, I loved the ‘sprinting towards the trees’ at the top when actors have just climbed out of the bus. Made me laugh out loud. Overall, this version did a great job of setting up Nia with that twist at the end where we see so much more – at a deeper level – is going on. Yay you!
-
Cameron,
Thank you! Your notes never disappoint and ALWAYS give me much to chew on.
I’m grateful.
Dev
-
Thanks, June! You gave me some great stuff to conjure on!
Dev
-
Dev’s comments in CAPS THROUGHOUT SCENE BELOW. JUST A FEW GENERAL COMMENTS. I REALLY LIKE THE CHARACTER ROY THOUGH, AT TIMES, I FIND HIS DIALOGUE OVERWRITTEN. I SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING WITH JAIL SCENE – ESPECIALLY THAT WE SEE ROY’S HEART VIA HIS KINDNESS TOWARD TYRONE. STILL – I FOUND THE JAIL SCENE HARD TO FOLLOW. ALSO FOUND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT TYRONE GOT HIT UP FOR DRUGS WHILE IN JAIL. DIDN’T SEEM REALISTIC. OVERALL, I LOVE ROY’S LOVEABLE BUT HORRIBLY FLAWED CHARACTER. GREAT ROLE!
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Roy, late 60s, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, wiry dude with nervous energy, tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY
Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he
sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of Honeypie
ROY (CONT’D) (sung)
Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
ROY (CONT’D) (sung)
Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence. (LOVE THE USE OF THIS BEATLE SONG!)
ROY (CONT’D) (spoken)
Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold. (LIKE THIS DIALOGUE BUT OVERWRITTEN FOR ME…)
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. (THIS IS FUN BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO CUT TO AN INT. SHOT TO SEE HIS FUNNY FACES AT WORK) Nothing. He slips the window open, steps onto the hot grill (ouching), and slides himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He moves the fridge and gets a worn-out box. Inside: a bottle of Jim Bean, a knife, and something shiny with a ribbon, wrapped in a towel. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.)
You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care. (GREAT CONTENT JUST OVERWRITTEN A BIT…)
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. He drinks. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY
Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while. (LOVE THIS)
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. He sets his shoes out. His box. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN
Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around him and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD
Get out.
ROY
Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD
Out.
ROY
Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD
Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy singing through the door.
LANDLORD (CONT’D)
I’m not as patient as Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY
And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD
Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back
ROY
Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes. and runs to the beat up cleaning van. (I DON’T UNDERSTAND LAST LINE… MIX OF ACTION GET IN THERE?)
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS
Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY
Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turnover, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL
The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD
Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of shit on the floor.
INT/EXT- VAN – CONTINUOUS
Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges the maniac, swerves and pulls over.
ROY
Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY (CONT’D)
That’s the plan! Free room and board comin up from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
(NEED SLUGLINE FOR EXT. AND INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY)
He swerves into a PIGGLY WIGGLY and slams into the building. Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY (CONT’D)
Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo tent in Nam. Fuckers exploded for hours!
The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him- The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out- GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY (CONT’D)
Officer, Officers, a man needs his java bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes- I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam. Hell, you’re just a young pup aren’t you, son. Pop that zit. So where do I get my coffee? (DIALOGUE SEEMS OVERWRITTEN – “LESS IS MORE?”)
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL
THREE MEN, strung out and acting jaggy and a terrified teen TYRONE, share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY
Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY (CONT’D)
Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked stares at
Tyrone. The other two, SKANK and BUTTROT are nervous, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and forth.
SKANK
Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks. Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE
(to Tyrone) I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY
No no no Pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE
(to the kid) Where is it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE (CONT’D)
Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY
Back off big boy.
Pukeface lurches at the boy again. Roy grabs his shirt.
TYRONE
I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. I don’t have drugs.
ROY
You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down between Buttrot’s legs. Buttrot flushes the toilet before Pukeface rolls away.
ROY (CONT’D) (to Pukeface)
Head call?
PUKEFACE (to Roy)
I will kill you. You’re fuckin dead!
Tyrone backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Buttrot tries to stand but has to sit down again.
ROY
I took a car, too.
TYRONE
You did?
ROY
Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE
Tik tok.
ROY
Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which supposedly holds something to eat.
GUARD
Shut up. Back away.
He slides it in.
GUARD (CONT’D)
Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface laughs. The kid stares. Calling back to the guard.
ROY
Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY (CONT’D)
It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option, don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY (CONT’D)
Watch me fellas. (to Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets agitated and starts yelling.
SKANK
Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot flushes and wobbles to stand. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and puke. Skank throws his food at Roy. A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY
Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD
You’re gonna eat that shit.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY
(feigns terror) Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was just cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet and then flushes. It clogs and overflows. The guard watches it all.
BUTTROT
(howls) I need that toilet!
SKANK
Pain! Ow ow ow!
PUKEFACE
Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD
You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
-
Cameron Martin’s Final Scene (V.2)
EXT. SPACE
A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.
A planet sails through the vast black between the stars, it’s facade reminiscent of earth, but masked by circulating green clouds.
EXT. ALIEN PLANET – NIGHT *suggest…
(EXT. ALIEN PLANET – INDUSTRIAL SPACE STATION – NIGHT)
The acid rain showers a spiring industrial space station, reminiscent of a castle with plumes of black clouds mixing with the green skies above, and several ships docked at various corners. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps where jungle once blanketed the landscape.
INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.
Guttural screams and gun blasts argue over each other in a hallway, as SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his 10 year old son, ISAIAH, and a baseball bat with two electric nailers (NAIL GUNS?) taped to the end.
Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.
Meanwhile, Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, kicks against Sully.
ISAIAH
(coughing up blood onto Sully’s sleeve)
You’re making it worse!
A man dressed in a light, tactical space suit runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises his firearm.
Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…
Grips his bat with both hands…
And swings it into the head of the spaceman…
Leaving two nails embedded into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent skull.
Isaiah, on all fours. He struggles to catch his breath, but hacks up a small splattering of blood.
Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.
ISAIAH
No more! I don’t want to die!
SULLY
(convincing himself more than his son)
You’re not going to die!
Sully, reigning himself in.
SULLY
I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.
A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.
SULLY
(to Isaiah)
Please, let me save you, now.
SPACEMAN
Over here!
The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.
Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.
ISAIAH
They’ll come out through my mouth. It’ll hurt. It’ll hurt really, really bad.
SULLY
I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.
He ducks down and runs into another room…
Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…
And hides behind a kitchen counter.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)
Shhh.
The spaceman enters the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him. They’re visibly shaking as they begin to search the room. (CURIOUS ABOUT THE SHAKING. NORMAL SHAKING WOULD BE HARD TO SEE THROUGH A SPACESUIT. DO YOU MEAN SHAKING AS IN AN ABNORMAL SHAKING LIKE A VIDEO GLITCHING?)
Sully carefully tears the saran wrap, makes a cut in the center of it with a pocketknife, and wraps it around the opening of the saucepan.
Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the saucepan. (GENIUS!)
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
Shhh, shhh. You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault. (LOVE THIS EMOTIONAL SET UP!)
A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.
REALLY GREAT OPENING! CONGRATS! Dev
-
SCENE TO POST FOR CRITIQUE (VERSION 2)
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
Dark clouds sweep the sky as foul winds plow through the crowded fair and rally. The wind rattles rusty carnival rides and causes balloons and banners to be swept into spinning dust devils.
A CHILD nibbles at her cotton candy but it blows out of her hands. She chases it passed…
EXT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS
…a stage festooned with a wind-ripped American flag. A COUNTRY BAND plays, the wind sucking up their lyrics. They wrap it up, take their leave to applause and whistles.
Then- the wind dramatically subsides. A beat. Now former marine CLAY CAINE, fit and 50, self-directed and confident, a man used to being in control, takes the stage. He flashes a smile as he steps to the microphone.
CLAY
Thank you, Lord, for diminishing this wind. For we shall be the calm before the storm!
No wild response from the crowd, just a sparse reaction of agreements.
Clay notes this but blows it off to continue.
CLAY
You know, I’m often asked, “Clay, why are you a Klansman? And a Grand Dragon to boot.” It’s a fair question. So I’ll tell you. It’s because of you! And because this is our country!
He points to the wind-ripped flag.
CLAY
And that is our flag!
No big response just uneasy shuffling. Clay paces, refusing to let their lackluster dampen his conviction.
CLAY
Do you know what the red on this flag stands for? Do you? It’s stands for our forefathers who were baptized in their own blood for our freedoms! Yours and mine, ladies and gentlemen, yours and mine!
Still not much reaction. Clay wipes the sweat from his face.
A lone voice calls out–
ADAM SPENCER (O.S.)
What’s your point, old man!
Clay’s eyes narrow.
CLAY
My point? The Klan, the Ku Klux Klan – right here in Langston – stands for you and me, and for all whites! It stands for racial purity!
No reaction. Exasperated, Clay taps on the microphone.
CLAY
Hey, is this thing working right?
The mic’s shriek says it is.
CLAY
Can everybody hear me?
ADAM SPENCER (O.S.)
We hear your empty words!
Clay rocks back, almost loses his footing.
CLAY
Wha-?
ADAM SPENCER (O.S.)
He’s a SINO! Supremacist in Name Only! Quid pro status quo!
The crowd bursts to life, nodding, laughing, agreeing.
A fierce WOMAN, large in girth, loud of mouth, pushes forward.
WOMAN
Get off the stage, old man! We’re here for Adam!
(Starts chant with crowd)
We want Adam! We want Adam!
The crowd chants Adam’s name.
Clay’s eyes roam the crowd.
CLAY
(Muttering)
Who is this guy?
A fresh-faced, twenty-four-year-old with college boy good looks, makes his way towards the stage. People reach out to touch the young man, pat him, and shake this next-generation white supremacist’s hand. ADAM SPENCER, Southern polite but prep school cocky, jumps onto the stage next to Clay.
ADAM SPENCER
No offense – sir – but it’s time for a patriot.
CLAY
Patriot? You served?
ADAM SPENCER
I serve them.
Adam turns to the cheering crowd.
Clay is overwhelmed with disbelief.
CLAY
My God. What level of hell are you from?
Adam smiles at him with charity– and perfect teeth.
ADAM SPENCER
I’m not the devil. I’m here to get things done.
Adam turns to the crowd, raises his arms in triumph.
ADAM SPENCER
Hey, y’all! I’m Adam Spencer! Leader of The Sons of Patriots!
As the crowd goes wild over him, the wind kicks up, forcing Clay to yell against it.
CLAY
But I’m Clay Caine! Grand Dragon! Grand Dragon of–
The wind steals Clay’s voice while Adam stands to embrace the gale. Clay retreats, leaves the stage while the crowd chants Adam’s name…
-
Great notes, June! I will definitely incorporate!
many thanks!
Dev
-
*DEV’S COMMENTS IN CAPS
Kate’s Final Assignment V1.
What I learned rewriting this scene is that the smallest word change – order of words, specific word – can tell a lot about a character.
(Introducing Nia)
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of trees.
Eight young people (20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. JUST FOR FUN, I’D LOVE THIS TO BE MORE SPECIFIC AS TO WHAT WE SEE WHEN SOME TRAMP OUT TOWARD THE TREES. SOME HURRYING TO GO PEE…?
Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.
He stops and leans in. LOVE THIS AS AN IMMEDIATE CONTRAST TO THE OTHERS GETTING OUT QUICKLY. SETS UP HER CHARACTER’S APPEARANCE PERFECTLY.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a young elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step. GREAT DESCRIPTION!
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well. AGAIN, LOVE HOW YOU’VE SET HER UP JUST BY HOW SHE DRESSES.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
NIA lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap. Cute crap, but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.
She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little) into the towel.
Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.
SHAUNN
Now do you feel better?
Nia sits up, definitely feeling better. HERE’S WHERE I HAVE TROUBLE. SHE GOES FROM BEING REALLY SICK TO PERKY IN A FLASH. I’M ASSUMING YOU WANT IT THAT WAY BUT IT’S NOT WORKING FOR ME AS IS… I NEED TO SEE HER STRUGGLE TO GET TO PERKY.
NIA
Yes. Oh yes – much. Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for the last hour. Got some water?
Shaunn helps her up, carefully avoiding the towel.
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
Oh! This is gorgeous! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
SHAUNN
To get here before dark. If we hadn’t stopped for the hamburgers… HIS MENTION OF FOOD AND HER QUEASINESS TELLS ME SHE HASN’T RECOVERED AS QUICKLY AS SHE DOES FROM HERE.
NIA
Don’t mention them! It was that awful bison burger and the driving that did me in.
SHAUNN
You didn’t have to eat it.
NIA
I know but the girls wanted to share – they’re so expensive – I couldn’t say no.
Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits.
SHAUNN
And look where it got you? Me holding a towel under your face for an hour. AT LEAST FROM THE “ATTACK/COUNTER-ATTACK POV SHAUNN’S RESPONSE DOESN’T WORK FOR ME. WONDERING IF HE COULD HAVE MORE FUN WITH HER ABOUT HER INABILITY TO SAY NO. AS IS, HIS RESPONSE SOUNDS TOO PATERNAL RATHER THAN A GUY INTERESTED IN HER. THIS COULD GIVE NIA, IN HER NEXT LINE, A CHANCE TO RETORT WITH SOMETHING MORE PLAYFULLY CHALLENGING TO HIM.
NIA
You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!
SHAUNN
You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California.
NIA
Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen! FOR A GIRL RECOVERING FROM BEING SICK, HER EXCITEMENT HERE DIDN’T FEEL BUILT TO. OR… SHE COULD SAY THE SAME THING AND THEN VOMIT AFTER HER LINE? MAYBE SHE’S HOPEFULL AND POSITIVE AND NOT ALWAYS REALISTIC?
SHAUNN
Come out of fantasy land – again! FOR ME, THIS FEELS TOO PATERNAL FOR A GUY WHO’S INTERESTED IN HER. I’M WONDERING HOW ELSE HE COULD SHOW HIS KNOWINGNESS OF HER WITHOUT BEING SO ON THE NOSE WITH HER.
NIA
I like it there. That’s why I’m an actress.
She looks off.
SHAUNN
On tour. Come on, help set up. I GET THAT YOU WANT TO INFORM THAT THEY ARE ON TOUR BUT NOT SURE WHY HE STATES IT AGAIN HERE. IT SEEMS LIKE HE’S BEING A KILL JOY AGAIN. I REALLY WANT TO LIKE HIM BEFORE I SEE HIM STRUGGLE WITH HIS MOM SITUATION.
NIA
I will! I will! Just give me a moment to soak in this. And then I’ll unpack like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE! THIS FEELS LIKE THE MOMENT SHE REALLY STEPS INTO BEING HER OLD SELF – WANTING TO SOAK IN THE BEAUTY. THEN, WHEN SHE COMMENTS ABOUT THE FOOD IT COULD BE A CALL BACK TO HER VOMITING. FOOD MIGHT STILL BE A SENSITIVE SUBJECT. IT FEELS TO ME LIKE NIA’S A VERY BRIGHT SIDE PERSON WHO – EVEN WHEN SICK – TRIES TO SHOVE IT UNDER THE RUG.
SHAUNN
Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?
NIA
Can I take it with me? My mouth … THE FACT THAT SHE STILL NEEDS THE WATER SHOWS THAT SHE ISN’T A-OK AS SHE’S PUTTING ON. Hey, positive side – I didn’t throw up in the bus!
SHAUNN
There is that. You have amazing self-control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand.
Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.
NIA
Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the car-sick thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!
Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the pack and joins the others.
Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, animation dropping from her.
NIA
(whispering)
What do you think, Mom? Gonna be fun, right?
END SCENE
I REALLY ADORE NIA AND THINK YOU CAN DO MORE WITH SETTING HER UP. JUST FELT HER TRANSISTION WAS TO FAST. I LOVE THE OPENING DESCRIPTIONS AND HOW WELL IT DREW ME IN.
-
Great note about the crowd. I am doing it!
Dev
-
REWRITE OF DAY 1O SCENE TO POST FOR CRITIQUE
CHARACTER: CLAY CAINE
Insight into his character: Prideful, resolute, self-righteous
Action to sell this character: His status as a leader is popped like a balloon, his bravado pulled out from under him like a rug, leaving his vulnerability and hubris exposed. A man who once had respect and power, will now have to do a deep dive to get it back.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLEY – SUMMER DAY
Dark clouds sweep the sky, propelled by a foul wild that also plows through the crowded fair and rally. It rattles rusty carnival rides and causes balloons and banners to be swept into wind tunnels.
A CHILD nibbles at her cotton candy but it blows out of her hands and flies away. She chases it passed…
EXT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS
…a stage festooned with a wind-ripped American flag. Despite the wind sucking up their lyrics, a COUNTRY BAND plays. At song’s end, the band thanks the crowd and takes their leave to applause and whistles. Then- the wind subsides as former marine CLAY CAINE (fifty), dressed in jeans and crisp white shirt with sleeves rolled up, takes the stage. He smiles and nods to the crowd. He steps to the microphone. The crowd waits. Clay revels. His inner knowing tells him the Lord subdued the wind just for him. He’s the quiet before the storm.
CLAY
You know, I’ve been asked why am I a Klansman? And to that I say — because–
(Throwing his arms out wide)
This is my country!
He expects them to shake their fists and cheer but, instead, the crowd remains silent. Clay nods, smiles. They want more, do they? Okay. He sweeps an arm up to point to the wind-ripped American flag.
CLAY
And that– is my flag!
Continued silence from the crowd now joined by their uneasy shuffling. Clay paces, tries it again.
CLAY
Did you know the red on that flag stands for our forefathers? Our forefathers who were baptized in their own blood for our freedoms!
The crowd shifts uneasily. Some look to each other for support. Clay sweats profusely. Surely, he’s being tested. He looks to the heavens for assurance and then back at the crowd.
CLAY
The Klan. The Ku Klux Klan stands for Race Pride.
He’s their preacher, them his flock.
CLAY
It stands for you, and me, and for all Whites!
He waits for it! Their pent-up cheers mixed with all their frustrations soon to bathe him in glory! But… nothing. Clay taps on the microphone.
CLAY
Hey, is this thing working?
The mic’s shriek says it is.
CLAY
Can you hear me?
YOUNG MAN (O.S.)
We hear you!
It’s a YOUNG MAN wearing a ball cap.
YOUNG MAN
And you’re full of shit!
Clay rocks back, almost loses his footing.
CLAY
Wha-?
YOUNG MAN
SINO! You’re nothing but a SINO!
The young man turns plays to the crowd.
YOUNG MAN
Clay Caine’s a Supremacist in Name Only!
The crowd bursts to life, nodding, laughing, agreeing. Another MAN, bearded and tatted joins in.
TATTED MAN
He’s quid pro status quo!
The BEAUTY at his side chimes in too.
BEAUTY
Get off the stage, old man!
A fierce WOMAN, large in girth, loud of mouth, pushes closer to the stage.
WOMAN
Bring on Adam!
(Starts chant with crowd)
We want Adam! We want Adam!
The crowd chants Adam’s name. Youthful, twenty-four-year-old ADAM SPENCER, with his college boy looks, makes his way forward. The crowd touches him, pats him, shakes this next-generation white supremacist’s hand before he hops up on the stage. Adam, his polite barely covering his cocky, nods to Clay.
ADAM SPENCER
No offense, sir, but it’s time for a real patriot to rock their world.
CLAY
Patriot? You served?
ADAM SPENCER
I serve them.
Clay is overwhelmed with disbelief.
CLAY
My God. From what level of hell are you?
Adam smiles at him with charity.
ADAM SPENCER
Change is hard, Mr. Caine, but I’m here to help.
Adam turns to the crowd, raises his arms in triumph.
ADAM SPENCER
Hey, everybody! I’m Adam Spencer! Leader of The Sons of Patriots!
As the crowd goes wild over him, the wind kicks up, forcing Clay to yell against it.
CLAY
But I’m Clay Caine! Grand Dragon! Grand Dragon of–
The wind overwhelms Clay’s voice while Adam stands to embrace the gale. Clay, still disbelieving, retreats back and then leaves the stage while the crowd repeatedly shouts Adam’s name…
-
DAY 1O AN AD FOR AN A-LIST ACTOR
CLAY CAINE
Insight into his character: Prideful, resolute, self-righteous
What I learned in doing this lesson is how just even a slight lean toward a trait can add a significant change to my approach. No matter how many times I had imagined this scene, once I added the traits, it went in a completely different way. One I like a lot!
Action to sell this character: His status as a leader is popped like a balloon in plain sight, his bravado pulled out from under him like a rug. His vulnerability and hubris exposed.
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
A foul wild wind blows while dark clouds shift across the sky– weather this country fair refuses to acknowledge. Rusty fair rides rattle in the wind, balloons and banners pull loose.
A CHILD tries to eat her cotton candy, but it pulls out of her hands and blows away. She chases it passed…
…a stage festooned with a wind-ripped American flag. Despite the wind whipping at their lyrics, a COUNTRY BAND plays. At song’s end, the band thanks their adoring crowd and takes their leave to wild applauds. Then, as if the weather was virtually controlled by him alone, the wind stops dead as former marine CLAY CAINE (forties), dressed in white shirt with sleeves rolled up and jeans, takes the stage. He smiles and nods to the crowd. These are his people. He steps to the microphone. The crowd is silent, attentive. Clay revels in the weather change, his inner knowing tells him it was just for him.
CLAY
You know, I’ve been asked why am I a Klansman? And this is what I say: Because this is my country!
Clay waits for the crowd’s rousing response but there is none. That’s okay. He’ll get ‘em with this: With a sweeping gesture, he points to the American flag.
CLAY
And that– is my flag!
Nothing. He shifts his balance, nods nervously, smiles, tries it again.
CLAY
Did you know the red on that flag stands for our forefathers? Our forefathers who were baptized in their own blood for our freedoms!
The crowd shifts impatiently. Clay’s shook. Okay, so he’s being tested. He girds himself.
CLAY
The Klan, the Ku Klux Klan stands for Race Pride. It stands for you, and me, and for all Whites!
He waits for it! Their pent-up cheers mixed with their frustrations. These will bathe him in glory. But there’s nothing. Clay taps on the microphone.
CLAY
Hey, is this thing working?
The mic’s shriek says it is.
CLAY
Can you all hear me?
WHITE MAN #1
Yeah! We hear you alright and you’re full of shit!
The audience is coming around.
WHITE MAN #2
You’re nothing but a SINO!
The man plays to the crowd.
WHITE MAN #2
You all know what that is, right? A SINO, a Supremacist In Name Only!
Now the crowd bursts to life, nodding, laughing, agreeing.
WHITE MAN #2
Dude! You’re nothing but status quo! Get off the stage!
WHITE WOMAN
Yeah! Bring on Adam! Adam Spencer!
At the mention of him, the crowd goes wild, chanting, repeating his name. The crowd pushes young twenty-something ADAM SPENCER, dressed in jeans and t-shirt, toward the stage. The good-looking, next-generation white supremacist takes the stage to cheers, nods to Clay.
ADAM SPENCER
No offense, man, but time to let a real patriot rock their world.
CLAY
Who do you think you are?!
ADAM SPENCER
Adam Spencer.
(to the crowd)
Leader of the Sons of Patriots!
As the crowd goes wild over him, the wind kicks up, forcing Clay to yell against it.
CLAY
Well, I’m Clay Caine! Grand Dragon of the Ku-
Though the wind overwhelms Clay, Adam stands arms spread, embracing it while it literally seems to force Clay off stage while the crowd repeatedly shouts Adam’s name…
-
ASSIGNMENT – DAY 9
Write a scene that delivers powerful dialogue
LINCOLN: Passionate/Playful/Dark side/Committed/Frustrated
NUBIA: Loving/Protective/Suspicious/Angry
SCENE: His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing, turning, talking in his sleep was keeping her up. Lincoln says he had a vivid dream about being the Grand Dragon, yet when he woke, he wanted to kill him. Nubia laughs: One would make his daddy proud, the other his momma.
What I learned from doing this lesson was how adding traits along with the attack/counter attack help show my characters’ relationship while furthering the plot.
ATTACK/COUNTER ATTACKS
INT. LINCOLN HOME – KITCHEN – DAY
Lincoln stands at the kitchen counter sipping coffee. Something troubles him.
NUBIA (O.S.)
So you were something else last night.
Lincoln turns to see his wife, NUBIA, wearing one of his t-shirts and nothing else. Clearly, what was on his mind, is no longer there. She takes his coffee from him, sips, and then hands it back.
LINCOLN
Excuse me. Do I know you?
NUBIA
Aw now, just because I sent you to the basement.
He pulls her to him.
LINCOLN
Like a little boy being sent to his room for being naughty.
He bites at her neck.
NUBIA
I needed my sleep and your tossing and turning were keeping me up.
She pushes away from him.
NUBIA
You want breakfast?
LINCOLN
Nah, baby, I’m good.
NUBIA
So, white guy dreams again?
Lincoln pours more coffee, sits and table.
LINCOLN
Yeah. Only this time I was him and– he’s a Grand Dragon.
NUBIA
Whoa. Lincoln, honey, look at me.
He avoids her eyes.
NUBIA
Look at me.
He does.
NUBIA
These dreams of yours, that’s your unconscious trying to tell you something.
LINCOLN
That deep down I’m really a white supremacist? Daddy would be so proud.
NUBIA
Stop! You know this is about your unresolved shit with him. He was an ass!
LINCOLN
Honestly, Nuby, it’s just stress.
Nubia nosily pulls the whole dang table away from him, then straddles him and sits.
NUBIA
I know you, Lincoln Able, and you are holding out on me.
He sighs heavily.
LINCOLN
Okay. In the dream, all I kept hearing was…
He shakes his head…
LINCOLN
Nah, honey, it’s… crazy.
NUBIA
Talk!
LINCOLN
I’m suppose to kill him.
NUBIA
The white guy in your dreams?
LINCOLN
Yep.
She climbs off of him.
NUBIA
Holy shit. But that makes sense if the white guy represents your daddy?
LINCOLN
Are you making breakfast now?
NUBIA
No. I’m not hungry now. I’m worried about you.
He takes her in his arms.
LINCOLN
Don’t be. I’m telling you it’s just stress. And you know how to relieve that so well.
She holds him at arm’s length.
NUBIA
Promise me you’ll start writing your dreams down so we can make sense of them. Okay?
He pauses and then nods.
LINCOLN
Okay. Now is it okay if I make breakfast?
NUBIA
Absolutely.
Lincoln heads to the frig while Nubia looks after him. She’s worried.
-
Dev Ross – Translated Characters
What I learned from doing this lesson is where traits, secrets, and flaws color character in such a way to make them truly multi-faceted.
1.EXT. SPACE – ON MULTI-UNIVERSES
Per String Theory, multiple strands of alternate universes exist side by side.
PUSH IN ON TWO STRANDS: Both show the signs of extreme climate events and are both slowly disintegrating with tendrils from each drifting into the opposite strand.
PUSH INTO ONE STRAND, THEN INTO its Earth’s atmosphere, into the United States, into…
2. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
Fearful/Prideful
Amid increasing climate events, KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE speaks at White Supremacist event. When booed off stage as a SINO (Supremacist in Name Only), he’s so caught off guard, he trips. Catching him as he comes up to speak is the hot new ticket in the hate game, ADAM SPENCER.
3. EXT. STRANDS – CONTINUOUS
PUSH INTO second strand.
4. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Passionate/Impatient
Amid increasing climate events, Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is intro’d to an adoring crowd of blacks and whites. When he attempts to speak, the crowd still cheers. With good humor, he scolds them to quiet down – bringing out the teacher in him.
5. EXT. SPACE – ON TWO STRANDS
ZOOM into first strand.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Prideful/Self-righteous
Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, demurely suggests it’s time to leave Klan to focus on family. Clay erupts with a Bible-ish quote about self-sacrifice: “I give to the Lord. This family gives to the Lord. We give what he requires to further HIS work!” Daughter, EMMY, excuses herself to meet a boyfriend she remains secretive about.
3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT
Self-righteous
Clay changes the news channel from ‘bullshit climate change’ to coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Shakes his head, this is not the way to bring the change they want. He vows to work even harder.
4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
Religious/A believer
He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection; FLASHBACKS to…
5. EXT. KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Clay’s grandfather, Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE gives a wickedly ‘patriotic’ speech filled with fiery biblical references to shouted praises. A cross burns as a mesmerized seven-year-old Clay, dressed in Klan robe, watches.
6. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Fearful
Clay prays for a sign from God to tell him how to regain his former influence to stop the rising tide of Godless liberalism.
8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Be admired
Clay house paints. The homeowner, an elderly woman, asks if he’d be willing to mentor/apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s coming to live with her. Clay quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
9. EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Odd, disturbing weather outside. Tendrils of float across the sky. O.S. news pundits blame the phenomena on the Chinese while climate scientists beg to differ.
10. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – KKK MEETING – CONTINUOUS
Love me
Clay reminds dwindling KKK members that their members used to be respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists. He asks if they trust him? Yes. Will they follow him? Yes!
11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB SITE – DAY
Prideful/Self-righteous
The elderly woman introduces her half black grandson, ELIJAH, to Clay. Clay refuses to mentor the boy as God prohibits race mixing. Saying she knows more than he thinks, she leaves the boy with him. Clay trembles as if he’s going to stumble again…Recoups.
Clay, on edge, insists Elijah will have to work much harder than others to be decent. Elijah insists he will, doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay relates…
14. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK
Behind closed door, Clay’s father beats his wife while young Clay and his sister play inside a suitcase with female clothing strewn about.
15. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Fearful of being seen as ‘less than.’
Clay can’t get it up. Makes excuses. It’s his work. She’s tired of his excuses. It escalates – a lot — until — shouts of “Nigger lovers” come from outside.
16. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
Fear of being seen as weak
Trucks flying Confederate flags screech away. A cross burns on Clay’s lawn. Effigy hangs with sign “Nigger Lovers.”
17. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – MORNING
Emmy knocks on the door, wants to know if her parents are okay.
18. INT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINUOUS
Self-righteous
Emmy admits the cross burning is her fault. Discloses she’s pregnant with a black baby. Clay freaks, disowns her, kicks her out.
19. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINOUS
Mother and daughter touch palms through front window.
20. INT. CLAY’S HOME – LATER
Fear of being seen as weak/defensive
Hannah’s leaving for work, comments on how successful Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is. Clay takes her comments as a dig. Hannah insists it’s not that. Times are changing, maybe he should too. He blocks her out, refuses to relent his position.
21. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Love me
A violent wind blows over the ladder which knocks over the paint before Elijah can right it. The boy covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…
22. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – FLASHBACK – DAY
Yelling that he’s just like his mother, his daddy hits young Clay over and over again…
24. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay grabs Elijah into a hug.
25. EXT. STREETS – LATE DAY
Self-righteous
Driving home, Clay berates himself about the boy. Must keep to his grandfather’s principles! FLASHBACK TO:
26. EXT. STREAM – DAY
Love me
Clay fishes with his grandpa who imbues him with KKK principles of family and Christianity. He’ll save the boy but nobody can ever know about his mother. When young Clay questions why- ‘she was nice’, his Grandpa cuffs him.
OUT OF FLASHBACK TO:
26. EXT. BAR – DAY
Clay stops at stoplight next to BAR. FLASHBACK TO-
27. EXT. BAR – FLASHBACK – DAY
Clay’s father tells him to wait outside bar while he goes in. Clay watches as a BLACK WOMEN ENTERS. Laughter from inside as Clay waits. He peeks inside to seen the woman hanging all over his father.
28. EXT. BAR – OUT OF FLASHBACK – DAY
Light changes. Clay drives on. Stops, backs up.
29. INT. BAR – DAY
Be admired
Clay drinks, watches Lincoln Able on TV as bartender complains about blacks replacing them. LIGHTS in bar flicker due to climate stuff. Clay pontificates: it’s not climate, it’s the Chinese.
30. EXT. SPACE – ON STRANDS
Increasing climate change causes the two strands continued break down.
31. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS
Ribbons of color encompass the neighborhood causing a terrified Elijah – who’d been out riding his bike – to bang on Clay’s door. Clay threatens to shoot him if he shows his black face at his home again. Elijah runs off as neighborhood shimmers and changes ever so subtly…
32. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS
Self-righteous
Clay watches TV: Lincoln speaking to an adoring crowd. STATIC from TV then clips of him speaking at his rally/interspersed with Lincoln speaking. That’s it! God’s sending him a message! Clay points his shotgun at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
The sky splits with ribboning colors that now interweave…
2. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
(NOTE: Basement is the same – only different!)
We assume it’s Clay sleeping on the couch. But when he rises, it’s black leader Lincoln Able and he’s had a bad dream he can’t shake…
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Failure to acknowledge his deepest truth
His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing, turning, talking in his sleep was keeping her up. Lincoln says he had a vivid dream about being the Grand Dragon, yet when he woke, he wanted to kill him. Nubia laughs: One would make his daddy proud, the other his momma.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Passionate
Lincoln gives his volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past. Lincoln appears to ignore it but, in truth, doesn’t.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Empathetic
Lincoln speaks to a black couple about voting. The man’s son, a vet, grumbles about the uselessness of voting in the white man’s world. Lincoln understands how he feels, however, says they can’t let hate win. You’re good as dead if you do.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Failure to acknowledge his deepest truth-inner knowing
Lincoln drives through a SHIMMER of lights, stops at a light just as the car next to him does too. Both drivers turn to each other. Clay and Lincoln stare at each other.
7. INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINOUS
Then, an urgent text from his wife: Come to hospital STAT! SHIMMER. Lincoln looks up. Man in opposite car is no longer Clay…
8. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY
Bravery
Lincoln looks for his wife at the nurses’ station. SHIMMER. It appears Hannah greets him but – SHIMMER – it’s Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She’s pregnant! Lincoln’s joy is overshadowed by the fact that he’s seeing things.
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Impatience
Nubia rolls Lincoln into MRI machine. He protests – he has work to do – but she’s all about being more safe than sorry.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. EXT. GUN SHOP/INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT
Self-righteous
Clay leaves a gun shop. Cell phone on seat shows several ‘missed calls’ just as he opens the door and tosses in a box of ammo.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Passionate
Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Odd brain patterns. Stress? With their baby finally coming, perhaps he can go back to old job. Lincoln laughs. What? Painting? Nothing he painted ever sold and he was a terrible art teacher. No, he’s found his calling.
13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Self-righteous
Clay sits in his car and loads his shotgun when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, has given Hannah a ride home. Clay angrily yanks his wife into the house.
14. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Self-righteous revenge
Clay confronts Hannah about being seen with a black man. How could she be so stupid?! He hits her again and again until she’s still…
Meanwhile…
15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs.
16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off…
SHIMMER…
17. EXT. LINCOLN/CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT
Secret
As Lincoln drives up to what he thinks is his house, he’s further disoriented when he recognizes the car that pulled up alongside him — and it’s parked in his driveway. Or is this even his driveway? Shots are fired from the house. Lincoln ducks into his car.
SHIMMER
18. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Lincoln cautiously gets out of his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it. But it’s his house in front of him…
19. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Chip on his shoulder
Lincoln speaks but struggles. His head pounds. His speech turns spiteful – repressed anger released about “driving while black, jogging while black, voting while black…’
SHIMMERS…
The CHANGING crowd (black and then white) reacts, alternatingly jeering or cheering him on.
20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – ON CROWD – CONTINUOUS
Self-righteous
Elijah is walking toward his grandma when he spots Clay, who’s taking aim at her. Elijah yells out a warning! Clay shoots the old woman, scattering the crowd. Now he aims at Lincoln, fires. Lincoln ducks and then chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… SHIMMER… he’s disappeared into thin air.
21. INT. LINCOLN HOME/CLAY’S HOME – DAY – LATER
Chip on shoulder
Lincoln spots Clay rushing up to the house with his shotgun. He yanks his wife Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. No gun shots. She believes he’s having a breakdown.
22. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY
Chip on shoulder
Lincoln shows Nubia the bullet holes in his car. Nubia demands he stop his work. They argue and he – totally out of character – pushes her to the ground. He’s about to strike her when he stops himself, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.
23. EXT. SPACE
The strands total collapse appears imminent.
24. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY
Love me
Someone’s in the shadows. Clay almost shoots but – it’s his daughter. She lost her baby. He embraces her, cries with her. She asks: can I come home now? Clay backs way… Full well knowing what happened to his sister, his own daughter chose to sleep with a black man. No, she’s tainted.
25. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Self-righteous
Telephone call: Clay and his sister. She says ‘get over it.’ Never was raped. She took on those black men on as a FUCK YOU to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay denies when—FLASHBACK TO:
26. INT. KKK GRANDPA’S HOME – KID’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Secret
Clay watches as their grandpa slips into their room and leans over his sister’s bed.
OUT OF FLASHBACK-
27. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Self-righteous
He calls her a liar just like his wife and daughter – who’ve all betrayed him with the black man.
28. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Self-righteous revenge
Clay shoots out the windows of a black church. Shoots at folks as they run out.
29. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Chip on shoulder
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. After losing their hard sought-after baby, she doesn’t want to talk. Clay’s car emerges from a SHIMMER. Lincoln sees him, stops, orders his wife out of the car.
ACT THREE
1.EXT. SPACE
The two strands are collapsing into one another…
2.EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Self-righteous revenge
Clay aims at a random black man when his car is rammed by Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.
3. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Revenge/Revenge
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where after SHIMMERS both appear and disappear from each other’s view. Sudden quake causes near collapse of building.
4. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood SHIMMERS.
5. EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Confused, she stands in the middle of a street she does not recognize. SHIMMER…
6. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
She’s suddenly back in her neighborhood when car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…
7. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s collapsing in on itself.
8. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other frustrates as their shapes SHIMMER in and out. Finally – their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.
9. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his shifting reflection in the water. It shifts out of being Lincoln, then Clay….
10. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It shifts out of being Clay, then Lincoln.
SHIMMER…
11. EXT PLANT – SHIFTED – NIGHT
Secrets revealed
Two SHIMMERS merge. The men are stuck between their universes, face to face. Could they, indeed, be each other. But how? Clay rails at God. All this time he thought he was serving him. Lincoln can’t accept it. He doesn’t have that kind of hate. Clay laughs. Doesn’t he? It’s like the end of Romeo and Juliet where each died for love only in the opposite. Each died for hate of a part of themselves.
SHIMMER TO WHITE OUT.
11. EXT. SPACE
String strands resonate like harp strings. The two damaged strands merge, twist and then disappear into nothingness. A beat. A resonate hum before… a whole new string is birthed. A brilliance of big bang light and…
12. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines down on a newly formed reality – literally. Emmy and her black husband stroll with her baby past black and white townspeople who warmly ask what her baby’s name is. Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.
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Dev Ross – Translated Characters
What I learned from doing this lesson is where traits, secrets, and flaws color character in such a way to make them truly multi-faceted.
1.EXT. SPACE – ON MULTI-UNIVERSES
Per String Theory, multiple strands of alternate universes exist side by side.
PUSH IN ON TWO STRANDS: Both show the signs of extreme climate events and are both slowly disintegrating with tendrils from each drifting into the opposite strand.
PUSH INTO ONE STRAND, THEN INTO its Earth’s atmosphere, into the United States, into…
2. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
Fearful/Prideful
Amid increasing climate events, KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE speaks at White Supremacist event. When booed off stage as a SINO (Supremacist in Name Only), he’s so caught off guard, he trips. Catching him as he comes up to speak is the hot new ticket in the hate game, ADAM SPENCER.
3. EXT. STRANDS – CONTINUOUS
PUSH INTO second strand.
4. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Passionate/Impatient
Amid increasing climate events, Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is intro’d to an adoring crowd of blacks and whites. When he attempts to speak, the crowd still cheers. With good humor, he scolds them to quiet down – bringing out the teacher in him.
5. EXT. SPACE – ON TWO STRANDS
ZOOM into first strand.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Prideful/Self-righteous
Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, demurely suggests it’s time to leave Klan to focus on family. Clay erupts with a Bible-ish quote about self-sacrifice: “I give to the Lord. This family gives to the Lord. We give what he requires to further HIS work!” Daughter, EMMY, excuses herself to meet a boyfriend she remains secretive about.
3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT
Self-righteous
Clay changes the news channel from ‘bullshit climate change’ to coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Shakes his head, this is not the way to bring the change they want. He vows to work even harder.
4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
Religious/A believer
He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection; FLASHBACKS to…
5. EXT. KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Clay’s grandfather, Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE gives a wickedly ‘patriotic’ speech filled with fiery biblical references to shouted praises. A cross burns as a mesmerized seven-year-old Clay, dressed in Klan robe, watches.
6. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Fearful
Clay prays for a sign from God to tell him how to regain his former influence to stop the rising tide of Godless liberalism.
8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Be admired
Clay house paints. The homeowner, an elderly woman, asks if he’d be willing to mentor/apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s coming to live with her. Clay quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
9. EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Odd, disturbing weather outside. Tendrils of float across the sky. O.S. news pundits blame the phenomena on the Chinese while climate scientists beg to differ.
10. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – KKK MEETING – CONTINUOUS
Love me
Clay reminds dwindling KKK members that their members used to be respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists. He asks if they trust him? Yes. Will they follow him? Yes!
11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB SITE – DAY
Prideful/Self-righteous
The elderly woman introduces her half black grandson, ELIJAH, to Clay. Clay refuses to mentor the boy as God prohibits race mixing. Saying she knows more than he thinks, she leaves the boy with him. Clay trembles as if he’s going to stumble again…Recoups.
Clay, on edge, insists Elijah will have to work much harder than others to be decent. Elijah insists he will, doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay relates…
14. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK
Behind closed door, Clay’s father beats his wife while young Clay and his sister play inside a suitcase with female clothing strewn about.
15. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Fearful of being seen as ‘less than.’
Clay can’t get it up. Makes excuses. It’s his work. She’s tired of his excuses. It escalates – a lot — until — shouts of “Nigger lovers” come from outside.
16. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
Fear of being seen as weak
Trucks flying Confederate flags screech away. A cross burns on Clay’s lawn. Effigy hangs with sign “Nigger Lovers.”
17. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – MORNING
Emmy knocks on the door, wants to know if her parents are okay.
18. INT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINUOUS
Self-righteous
Emmy admits the cross burning is her fault. Discloses she’s pregnant with a black baby. Clay freaks, disowns her, kicks her out.
19. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINOUS
Mother and daughter touch palms through front window.
20. INT. CLAY’S HOME – LATER
Fear of being seen as weak/defensive
Hannah’s leaving for work, comments on how successful Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is. Clay takes her comments as a dig. Hannah insists it’s not that. Times are changing, maybe he should too. He blocks her out, refuses to relent his position.
21. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Love me
A violent wind blows over the ladder which knocks over the paint before Elijah can right it. The boy covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…
22. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – FLASHBACK – DAY
Yelling that he’s just like his mother, his daddy hits young Clay over and over again…
24. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay grabs Elijah into a hug.
25. EXT. STREETS – LATE DAY
Self-righteous
Driving home, Clay berates himself about the boy. Must keep to his grandfather’s principles! FLASHBACK TO:
26. EXT. STREAM – DAY
Love me
Clay fishes with his grandpa who imbues him with KKK principles of family and Christianity. He’ll save the boy but nobody can ever know about his mother. When young Clay questions why- ‘she was nice’, his Grandpa cuffs him.
OUT OF FLASHBACK TO:
26. EXT. BAR – DAY
Clay stops at stoplight next to BAR. FLASHBACK TO-
27. EXT. BAR – FLASHBACK – DAY
Clay’s father tells him to wait outside bar while he goes in. Clay watches as a BLACK WOMEN ENTERS. Laughter from inside as Clay waits. He peeks inside to seen the woman hanging all over his father.
28. EXT. BAR – OUT OF FLASHBACK – DAY
Light changes. Clay drives on. Stops, backs up.
29. INT. BAR – DAY
Be admired
Clay drinks, watches Lincoln Able on TV as bartender complains about blacks replacing them. LIGHTS in bar flicker due to climate stuff. Clay pontificates: it’s not climate, it’s the Chinese.
30. EXT. SPACE – ON STRANDS
Increasing climate change causes the two strands continued break down.
31. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS
Ribbons of color encompass the neighborhood causing a terrified Elijah – who’d been out riding his bike – to bang on Clay’s door. Clay threatens to shoot him if he shows his black face at his home again. Elijah runs off as neighborhood shimmers and changes ever so subtly…
32. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS
Self-righteous
Clay watches TV: Lincoln speaking to an adoring crowd. STATIC from TV then clips of him speaking at his rally/interspersed with Lincoln speaking. That’s it! God’s sending him a message! Clay points his shotgun at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
The sky splits with ribboning colors that now interweave…
2. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
(NOTE: Basement is the same – only different!)
We assume it’s Clay sleeping on the couch. But when he rises, it’s black leader Lincoln Able and he’s had a bad dream he can’t shake…
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Failure to acknowledge his deepest truth
His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing, turning, talking in his sleep was keeping her up. Lincoln says he had a vivid dream about being the Grand Dragon, yet when he woke, he wanted to kill him. Nubia laughs: One would make his daddy proud, the other his momma.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Passionate
Lincoln gives his volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past. Lincoln appears to ignore it but, in truth, doesn’t.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Empathetic
Lincoln speaks to a black couple about voting. The man’s son, a vet, grumbles about the uselessness of voting in the white man’s world. Lincoln understands how he feels, however, says they can’t let hate win. You’re good as dead if you do.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Failure to acknowledge his deepest truth-inner knowing
Lincoln drives through a SHIMMER of lights, stops at a light just as the car next to him does too. Both drivers turn to each other. Clay and Lincoln stare at each other.
7. INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINOUS
Then, an urgent text from his wife: Come to hospital STAT! SHIMMER. Lincoln looks up. Man in opposite car is no longer Clay…
8. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY
Bravery
Lincoln looks for his wife at the nurses’ station. SHIMMER. It appears Hannah greets him but – SHIMMER – it’s Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She’s pregnant! Lincoln’s joy is overshadowed by the fact that he’s seeing things.
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Impatience
Nubia rolls Lincoln into MRI machine. He protests – he has work to do – but she’s all about being more safe than sorry.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. EXT. GUN SHOP/INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT
Self-righteous
Clay leaves a gun shop. Cell phone on seat shows several ‘missed calls’ just as he opens the door and tosses in a box of ammo.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Passionate
Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Odd brain patterns. Stress? With their baby finally coming, perhaps he can go back to old job. Lincoln laughs. What? Painting? Nothing he painted ever sold and he was a terrible art teacher. No, he’s found his calling.
13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Self-righteous
Clay sits in his car and loads his shotgun when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, has given Hannah a ride home. Clay angrily yanks his wife into the house.
14. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Self-righteous revenge
Clay confronts Hannah about being seen with a black man. How could she be so stupid?! He hits her again and again until she’s still…
Meanwhile…
15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs.
16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off…
SHIMMER…
17. EXT. LINCOLN/CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT
Secret
As Lincoln drives up to what he thinks is his house, he’s further disoriented when he recognizes the car that pulled up alongside him — and it’s parked in his driveway. Or is this even his driveway? Shots are fired from the house. Lincoln ducks into his car.
SHIMMER
18. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Lincoln cautiously gets out of his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it. But it’s his house in front of him…
19. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Chip on his shoulder
Lincoln speaks but struggles. His head pounds. His speech turns spiteful – repressed anger released about “driving while black, jogging while black, voting while black…’
SHIMMERS…
The CHANGING crowd (black and then white) reacts, alternatingly jeering or cheering him on.
20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – ON CROWD – CONTINUOUS
Self-righteous
Elijah is walking toward his grandma when he spots Clay, who’s taking aim at her. Elijah yells out a warning! Clay shoots the old woman, scattering the crowd. Now he aims at Lincoln, fires. Lincoln ducks and then chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… SHIMMER… he’s disappeared into thin air.
21. INT. LINCOLN HOME/CLAY’S HOME – DAY – LATER
Chip on shoulder
Lincoln spots Clay rushing up to the house with his shotgun. He yanks his wife Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. No gun shots. She believes he’s having a breakdown.
22. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY
Chip on shoulder
Lincoln shows Nubia the bullet holes in his car. Nubia demands he stop his work. They argue and he – totally out of character – pushes her to the ground. He’s about to strike her when he stops himself, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.
23. EXT. SPACE
The strands total collapse appears imminent.
24. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY
Love me
Someone’s in the shadows. Clay almost shoots but – it’s his daughter. She lost her baby. He embraces her, cries with her. She asks: can I come home now? Clay backs way… Full well knowing what happened to his sister, his own daughter chose to sleep with a black man. No, she’s tainted.
25. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Self-righteous
Telephone call: Clay and his sister. She says ‘get over it.’ Never was raped. She took on those black men on as a FUCK YOU to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay denies when—FLASHBACK TO:
26. INT. KKK GRANDPA’S HOME – KID’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Secret
Clay watches as their grandpa slips into their room and leans over his sister’s bed.
OUT OF FLASHBACK-
27. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Self-righteous
He calls her a liar just like his wife and daughter – who’ve all betrayed him with the black man.
28. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Self-righteous revenge
Clay shoots out the windows of a black church. Shoots at folks as they run out.
29. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Chip on shoulder
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. After losing their hard sought-after baby, she doesn’t want to talk. Clay’s car emerges from a SHIMMER. Lincoln sees him, stops, orders his wife out of the car.
ACT THREE
1.EXT. SPACE
The two strands are collapsing into one another…
2.EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Self-righteous revenge
Clay aims at a random black man when his car is rammed by Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.
3. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Revenge/Revenge
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where after SHIMMERS both appear and disappear from each other’s view. Sudden quake causes near collapse of building.
4. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood SHIMMERS.
5. EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Confused, she stands in the middle of a street she does not recognize. SHIMMER…
6. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
She’s suddenly back in her neighborhood when car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…
7. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s collapsing in on itself.
8. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other frustrates as their shapes SHIMMER in and out. Finally – their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.
9. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his shifting reflection in the water. It shifts out of being Lincoln, then Clay….
10. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It shifts out of being Clay, then Lincoln.
SHIMMER…
11. EXT PLANT – SHIFTED – NIGHT
Secrets revealed
Two SHIMMERS merge. The men are stuck between their universes, face to face. Could they, indeed, be each other. But how? Clay rails at God. All this time he thought he was serving him. Lincoln can’t accept it. He doesn’t have that kind of hate. Clay laughs. Doesn’t he? It’s like the end of Romeo and Juliet where each died for love only in the opposite. Each died for hate of a part of themselves.
SHIMMER TO WHITE OUT.
11. EXT. SPACE
String strands resonate like harp strings. The two damaged strands merge, twist and then disappear into nothingness. A beat. A resonate hum before… a whole new string is birthed. A brilliance of big bang light and…
12. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines down on a newly formed reality – literally. Emmy and her black husband stroll with her baby past black and white townspeople who warmly ask what her baby’s name is. Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.
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Dev Ross – Translating Character
What I learned is the way you can create powerful and very distinguishable dialogue for your main characters by focusing all their strongest character traits.
CLAY CAINE
1. Basic character traits: Fearful of being powerless/denial/self-righteous/religious/prideful
2. Want/Need: To protect America/regain status/revenge for sister
3. Paradoxes: His need to be loved/rejecting his loved ones
4. Secret: He is half black.
5. Flaw: Refusal to accept the truth
6. Special: Commitment to change/willingness to put himself out there.
7. Subtext: Love me
8. Character Arc: From powerless to angry to vengeful to realization
9. Character Logline: Clay Caine is a fading KKK Grand Dragon who attempts to regain his influence but instead brings about his own undoing and death.
LINCOLN ABLE
1. Basic character traits: Compassionate/Empathetic/brave/
2. Want/Need: To bring change for his people
3. Paradoxes: A loving man rejects his loved one for revenge
4. Secret: His long-held chips on his shoulder
5. Flaw: Refusal to accept his deepest truth
6. Special: His commitment to others and change/willingness to put himself out there.
7. Subtext: Respect me
8. Character Arc: Powerful to fear, doubt, anger, revenge, realization then death
9. Character Logline: Lincoln Able is a leader who is rapidly gaining in influence who attempts revenge and is destroyed by it.
REQUIRED COMPONENTS COMPONENT What might a____ person do or say?
1. Role in Story Protagonist
2. Age range/Descript 40’s. Fit physique, tanned and rough skin from work
3. Core Trait A Self-righteous
– Would advocate for Lincoln to see the light, give up and accept before he shot him.
– Would guilt trip him about blacks not succeeding or having strong families and tell him to step out and let himself be sacrifice.
4. Trait B Denial
– Would place hatred of blacks on God’s will so be the sacrificial lamb
– Would blame Lincoln for his sister. Lincoln should accept being sacrifice.
5. Trait C Religious
– Place responsibility on higher power
– Say that God must hate him or betrayed him
6. Trait D Vengeful
– Find justification in the conversation for his murderous attacks. Hold Lincoln at gunpoint and make him admit Clay is justified.
– Stew on the unfairness of Lincoln’s existence
– Say what he’s doing is payback
7. SUBTEXT
– Would play the victim. Lincoln and his kind forced him into this.
– MOTIVATION/WANT/NEED
– To get Lincoln to give up so that he can take power again he’d be exceedingly reasonable and use quotes from the bible.
– To justify his beliefs, he’d quote the bible and get into a quote off with Lincoln
8. UNIQUE/SPECIAL
– Clay uses his motivational speaking to bend others to his will.
– Will force Lincoln to beg to be shot.
9. CHARACTER LOGLINE
– After fading in leadership, he believes he’ll regain it by murdering Lincoln
– Clay holds a press conference to announce a ‘great change’ to take place.
LINCOLN ABLE
REQUIRED COMPONENTS COMPONENT What might a____ person do or say?
10. Role in Story Antagonist
11. Age range/Descript 40’s. Fit. Handsome. Elite
12. Core Trait A Passionate/Committed
– Would advocate for Clay to see him as a brother, fellow human and accept that all his beliefs are false.
– Would point out how his misinterpretations of the bible have sent him on wrong path.
13. Trait B Elite therapist
– Would place Clay’s hatred of blacks onto his lack of education and warped upbringing.
– Would try to psychoanalyze him and point out how emotionally stunted he is.
14. Trait C Chip on shoulder
– Place responsibility on all whites
– Make Clay admit he’s just a spoiled white man too afraid of competition.
15. Trait D Brave
– Allow Clay to take him at gunpoint so he can confront him.
– Drag Clay out of the falling building
16. SUBTEXT
– Wants Clay to truly see him as an equal and be ashamed of his life’s work.
– MOTIVATION/WANT/NEED
– To get Clay to see the truth of his false ‘reason to be.’
– To justify his beliefs, he’d quote the bible correctly to Clay
17. UNIQUE/SPECIAL
– Lincoln uses his motivational and heartfelt speaking to affect Clay.
18. CHARACTER LOGLINE
– Growing in leadership, Lincoln struggles with an inner need to murder the GD.
– Lincoln admits that he too is filled with hate.
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DEV ROSS – Character Chemistry
What I learned from doing this lesson is about the nuance of character, those things that not only make a character attractive to a potential actor but nuances that make the character become truly three dimensional and human. I’ve always thought of chemistry as something found between actors, I never realized that it can be enhanced by writing it in!
1. Clay/Lincoln
2. Clay/Hannah
3. Clay/Elijah
4. Clay/Emmy
5. Lincoln/Nubia
Common Ground: Clay and Lincoln
1. Clay and Lincoln are each respected leaders of two very separate groups
2. Clay and Lincoln are both married but are in tense marital situations.
3. Both men carry deeply rooted chips on their shoulders.
4. Both men are passionate, brave, and committed.
5. Both men yearn for a societal change
6. Both men are ‘failed’ artists
Common Ground: Clay and Hannah
1. Went to high school together
2. Married to have their baby
3. Base the way they live on established traditions
Common Ground: Clay and Elijah
1. Both abused by fathers
2. Both needed a mentor
3. Both become fatherless
Common Ground: Clay and Emmy
1. Want each others love and respect
Common Ground: Lincoln and Nubia
1. Both yearn for a child
2. Find each other very sexually attractive
3. Respect each other’s smarts and talents
Differences that Create Conflict:
Clay and Lincoln
1. Clay is jealous of Lincoln’s power
2. Lincoln lives in fear of Clay
Clay and Hannah
1. Hannah hates Clay’s hate
2. Clay is annoyed and uncomfortable by Hannah’s needy sexuality
Clay and Elijah
1. Clay hates that he feels for Elijah
2. Elijah wants Clay to love him
Clay and Emmy
1. She wants his acceptance
2. He can’t give it.
Lincoln and Nubia
1. Nubia wants Lincoln to give up his leadership
2. Lincoln wants her to understand his need for change and leadership
Playing the Same Game:
1. Lincoln and Clay are playing exactly the same game in working for power and then trying to kill each other. Both of their needs are based in doing what’s best for their people and country.
Need Fulfilment:
1. Clay and Hannah – Clay has need for respect. Hannah has need for his love and family.
2. Clay and Elijah – Both have need for a father’s love
3. Clay and Emmy – Both need love but can’t get it from the other.
4. Lincoln and Nubia – both want a family and for each to be fulfilled.
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Dev Ross – Arc
What I learned from doing this exercise were the many paths/choices my character can take depending on the specifics of his arc.
1. The Issue: Clay Caine greatest fear is being powerlessness. He lives in denial and suffers from an extreme form of self-righteousness. He needs his world to be black or white, good or evil, with no shades of gray.
1. Escalating Challenge:
a. WS groups call him a SINO – a Supremacist in Name Only. This serves to further entrench himself in his old beliefs. He must be STEADFAST. He must convince his KKK members to be steadfast. He believes he is the STANDARD BEARER.
b. Cross burned on his lawn – His fear of being powerless is hit hard. His response is BLAME and ANGER over forces he’s unable to control. He feels unfairly MISUNDERSTOOD.
c. Elijah is introduced. Clay’s COMPASSION and HURT bubble up. He feels EMPATHY.
d. Rise of Lincoln’s power seduces Clay to BURY COMPASSION, EMPATHY and RETURN TO THE DARK SIDE. He convinces himself this is God’s will. HE’S ON A MISSION FROM GOD. SAVIOR COMPLEX
e. At his sister’s proclamation, his DENIAL peaks. His fear is replaced by HATE FUELED REVENGE.
3. The Transformation: Transformation comes – only when it is too late. He’s refused to change only to discover the hate he had was at his own expense and was his doing all along. REVELATION, ACCEPTANCE, DEATH
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Dev Ross – Characters Live
What I learned from doing this exercise was by more completely coloring in aspects of my characters, I was able to write a scene with more colors as well.
INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – KKK MEETING – CONTINUOUS
A photo of a blue-eyed Jesus Christ surrounded by KKK and family photos cover the basement meeting room’s wood laminated walls. In a corner, a seamstress dress form bears a yellowing KKK robe.
CLAY CAINE, (40) the pontific Grand Dragon of this local Arkansas chapter, presides, eyes closed, bible open, his post military physic still evident. If he were a cross, he’d be burning. He lowers his head, closes his well-worn bible.
CLAY
Amen.
Present, are three KKK members: JESS, (late 30’s) whose bulging belly signals future heart attacks, ARNOLD (50’s) whose Fu Manchu beard sports rubber bands pulling his silver whiskers together in three different places, and DUNN, (20’s), a fidgeting dude who suffers premature balding and ejaculation. Their heads are lowered.
JESS/ARNOLD/DUNN
Amen.
Clay sets his bible down. The men sit on the squeaky couch.
CLAY
Boys, let us head straight to the first order of business. Membership.
The members wait expectantly. Though Clay rolls like a chaplain, he’s their Grand Dragon. If they were brave enough, they’d suggest he switch positions.
CLAY
Yes, it’s down. Adam Spencer and his Sons of Patriots are what’s current right now, but– the pendulum will swing back.
JESS
With due respect, Grand Dragon, with it just being us three, I don’t think we can wait for the pendulum.
ARNOLD
Jess is right. Our membership needs rebuilding now. It’s becoming an issue of respect.
DUNN
That’s right. Ella Stevens, that cute waitress at Berk’s, always gave me free coffee and pie but no more.
CLAY
I hear you. We all miss what we once commanded. But, we have got to hold the line now more than ever. These Sons of Patriots are unstable aggressors, engaging in violence not approved by the Klan hierarchy.
When the membership responds without much enthusiasm, Clay turns on his inner preacher.
CLAY
Boys! Our ranks were once filled by respectable doctors, honest lawyers and decent politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists. Do you remember?!
They do!
CLAY
So now… It is left to us, the chosen few, to uphold that integrity. Dear Lord, tell me you’re with me in the trenches before this fight!
Freshly inspired, the members stand, Jess with some effort, to firmly shake Clay’s hand.
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Dev Ross – Dueling agendas – scene
What I learned: Very helpful exercise to be sure. I learned that with subtext I can resist the need for exposition and rather get a feeling across in a far more judicious and interesting way.
CLAY CAINE: Dismissive, Self-righteous, Committed/Paranoid, Angry
HANNAH CAINE: Quiet, Loving, Demure/Fearful, avoiding, repressed anger
INT. CAINE KITCHEN – LATER
Clay drinks coffee while watching the news. Hannah, dressed in nurse whites for work, ENTERS.
HANNAH
Morning. I see you got yourself coffee. You rarely make it, so I hope it’s not too weak.
CLAY
I made it how I made it.
She pours herself a cup, grabs food out of the frig to make lunches.
HANNAH
Turkey, okay?
CLAY
Uh-huh.
She notices what he’s watching – Lincoln Able getting interviewed by a news host.
HANNAH
Boy, he sure is making a big splash out there.
CLAY
Out there? You mean with the black?
HANNAH
Well, yeah, with the blacks. They say he’s making a difference.
Clay keeps sipping his coffee.
HANNAH
By getting folks out to vote.
CLAY
Black folks. And you think that’s a good thing?
Hannah seems lost in sandwich making. Clay gets up to pour himself more coffee.
CLAY
I asked you if you thought that was a good thing?
HANNAH
Well, all the black nurses do.
CLAY
But do you?
HANNAH
I don’t know, Clay. I don’t pay attention to those things, you know that.
CLAY
Seems like you do. Big splash, black nurses all love him…
She packs the sandwiches.
HANNAH
I really have to go.
She starts then stops.
HANNAH
It’s just that, honey, things are changing. Maybe we should too.
Hannah grabs up her purse and lunch and heads out the back kitchen door.
HANNAH
See you tonight.
Clay keeps his eyes on the TV.
CLAY
See you tonight.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
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What I learned from this lesson: I learned that a small derivation in a description can bring loads of new insights. Just going from fearful to paranoid makes a huge difference, especially in Clay Caine.
Name: Clay Caine
Traits: Passionate, committed, religious, self-righteous
Subtext: Withholding, concealing, paranoid
Character Logline: Clay Caine is a self-righteous Grand Dragon who promotes white supremacy for what he believes is the salvation of the nation.
Possible areas of subtext: Withholds the truth from himself and others. Acts concerned while he’s really upset about his own loss of power. Tries to control his wife and daughter.
Name: Lincoln Able
Traits: Passionate, considerate, political, well meaning
Subtext: Withholding, concealing, angry
Character Logline: Lincoln Able is a community activist who promotes voter registration to equal the playing field for black people.
Possible areas of subtext: Deep down he holds a huge chip on his shoulder from how he’s been treated by the white man.
Name: Elijah
Traits: Innocent, frightened, well meaning,
Subtext: Terrified of rejection, angry, lonely
Character Logline: Elijah is a lost boy who is looking for a father figure but chooses the wrong one in Clay Caine.
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PS81 Dev Ross- CHARACTERS
What I learned doing this was FANTASTIC! I’ve written paragraphs on characters but breaking it down like this is a game changer. Today I pitched to Scholastic to develop a new show. I pitched the characters just as below and THEY LOVED IT. Said they understood who the characters were loud and clear. Said no one else ever does that!!! THANK YOU!
Character Name: Clay Caine
1. Basic character traits:
– insecure
– intensely religious
– sexually stymied
– wants to feel powerful
2. Want/Need:
– Wants to save his country
– Needs to be respected
– avenge his sister
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements):
– A soft inner core/race hatred.
4. Secret:
– He’s half black
5. Flaw:
– Refuses to accept fundamental truths staring him in the face
6. What is special about this character?
– He believes he’s on a mission from God
CHARACTER PROFILE – LINCOLN ABLE
1. Basic character traits
– Passionate and dedicated in his beliefs
–
– Compassionate
– Slightly elite
2. Want/Need
– To better the lives of his community, make a positive difference
– To have a child
– To make his wife proud, deserve her love
– to be a leader
3. Paradoxes
– Wants peaceful change verses a deep-seated loathing of the white man
4. Secret:
– He’s half white but only his wife knows.
FLAW
– His covert anger
Special
-He’s overcome a destructive and hateful father to become a leader in his community
CHARACTER PROFILE – ELIJAH
1. Basic character traits:
– Insecure and lonely
– Open and loving nature
– Hard worker
– Needs to prove himself
2. Want/Need
– to be loved
– to be accepted
– to make Clay proud
3. Paradoxes (Warring elements)
– To prove himself/to say ‘fuck it.’
4. Secret:
– His dad beat him
5. Flaw:
– too needy
6. Special:
– He is keenly bright and could go far with the right mentoring.
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DEV ROSS
“CAINE AND ABLE” VERSION 3 (Thanks for your notes my fellow writers!!)
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
Plot Choice: Rivalry
Character Structure: Protagonist vs Antagonist
Lead Characters: CLAY CAINE is a fading KKK Grand Dragon struggling to regain his former power who, in his fight to regain power, loses his family. LINCOLN ABLE is a Black Leader who works for the good of his community, who loses his family when he buys into revenge. The two are both sides of the same man only they exit in alternate universes.
Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon assassinate the Black Leader?
Main Conflict: Will his obsession cause him to lose his wife and family?
Dilemma: He can’t stop because the man he’s trying to kill is now trying to kill him.
Theme: Hate ultimately destroys you.
9 BEATS:
OPENING: During increasing climate change issues — KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE is booed off stage at Supremacy conference for being a SINO – Supremacist in name only…
INCITING INCIDENT: Cross burning on his lawn.
Page 10: Clay is a fading leader who is struggling to regain his power and influence as KKK leader as new White Supremacists groups have now captured the nation’s attention. His marriage is failing as well and he dismisses climate events as bull shit. Finally, a cross is burned on his lawn when his daughter is found out to be pregnant with a black man’s baby.
First Turning point, End Act 1: Clay interrupts increasing extremely odd weather as a sign from God to him to murder rising Black Leader, Lincoln Able.
ACT TWO:
He wakes up (in alt universe) as that Black Leader with an uncharacteristic desire to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Clay accuses his wife of having an affair with a black man, kills her.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: In order to purse Clay, Lincoln forces his wife out of the car, which leads to her death.
Crisis: Caine can’t accept truth about sister and his own half-black heritage.
Climax: As two worlds collide (caused by climate/String Theory) and as they are dying, the two men finally understand that they are just the alt version of the other in an alternate universe.
Resolution: A whole strand in the multi-universe has been formed.
1.EXT. SPACE – ON MULTI-UNIVERSES
Per String Theory, multiple strands of alternate universes exist side by side.
PUSH IN ON TWO STRANDS: Both show the signs of extreme climate events and are both slowly disintegrating with tendrils from each drifting into the opposite strand.
PUSH INTO ONE STRAND, THEN INTO its Earth’s atmosphere, into the United States, into…
2. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
Amid increasing climate events, KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE speaks at White Supremacist event and gets booed off stage as a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He’s replaced by a youthful White Supremacist, the hot new ticket in the hate game.
3. EXT. STRANDS – CONTINUOUS
PUSH INTO second strand.
4. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Amid increasing climate events, Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE speaks to an adoring crowd of blacks about voting for progressive change.
5. EXT. SPACE – ON TWO STRANDS
ZOOM into first strand.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, demurely suggests it’s time to leave Klan to focus on family. Daughter, EMMY, is off to meet a boyfriend she remains secretive about.
3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT
Clay changes the news channel from ‘bullshit climate change’ to coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Shakes his head, this is not the way to bring the change they want. Cites bible.
4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection; FLASHBACKS to…
5. EXT. KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Clay’s grandfather, Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE gives a wickedly ‘patriotic’ speech filled with fiery biblical references to shouted praises. A cross burns as a mesmerized seven-year-old Clay, dressed in Klan robe, watches.
6. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay prays for a sign from God to tell him how to regain his former influence to stop the rising tide of Godless liberalism.
8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Clay house paints. The homeowner, an elderly woman, asks if he’d be willing to mentor/apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s coming to live with her. Clay quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
9. EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Odd, disturbing weather outside. Tendrils of light float across the sky. O.S. news pundits blame the phenomena on the Chinese while climate scientists beg to differ.
10. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – KKK MEETING – CONTINUOUS
Clay reminds dwindling KKK members that their members used to be respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB SITE – DAY
The elderly woman introduces her half black grandson, ELIJAH, to Clay. Clay refuses to mentor the boy as God prohibits race mixing. Saying she knows more than he thinks, she leaves the boy with him.
Clay, on edge, insists Elijah will have to work much harder than others to be decent. Elijah insists he will, doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay relates…
14. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK
Behind closed door, Clay’s father beats his wife while young Clay and his sister play inside a suitcase with female clothing strewn about.
15. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay spurns Hannah’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates – a lot — until — shouts of “Nigger lovers” come from outside.
16. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
Trucks flying Confederate flags screech away. A cross burns on Clay’s lawn. Effigy hangs with sign “Nigger Lovers.”
17. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – MORNING
Emmy knocks on the door, wants to know if her parents are okay.
18. INT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINUOUS
Emmy admits the cross burning is her fault. Discloses she’s pregnant with a black baby. Clay freaks, disowns her, kicks her out.
19. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINOUS
Mother and daughter touch palms through front window.
20. INT. CLAY’S HOME – LATER
Hannah’s leaving for work, comments on how successful Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is. Clay takes her comments as a dig. Hannah insists it’s not that. Times are changing, maybe he should too.
21. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
A violent wind blows over the ladder which knocks over the paint before Elijah can right it. The boy covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…
22. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – FLASHBACK – DAY
Yelling that he’s just like his mother, his daddy hits young Clay over and over again…
24. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay grabs Elijah into a hug.
25. EXT. STREETS – LATE DAY
Driving home, Clay berates himself about the boy. Must keep to his grandfather’s principles! FLASHBACK TO:
26. EXT. STREAM – DAY
Clay fishes with his grandpa who imbues him with KKK principles of family and Christianity. He’ll save the boy but nobody can ever know about his mother…
OUT OF FLASHBACK TO:
26. EXT. BAR – DAY
Clay stops at stoplight next to BAR. FLASHBACK TO-
27. EXT. BAR – FLASHBACK – DAY
Clay’s father tells him to wait outside bar while he goes in. Clay watches as a BLACK WOMEN ENTERS. Laughter from inside as Clay waits. He peeks inside to seen the woman hanging all over his father.
28. EXT. BAR – OUT OF FLASHBACK – DAY
Light changes. Clay drives on. Stops, backs up.
29. INT. BAR – DAY
Clay drinks, watches Lincoln Able on TV as bartender complains about blacks replacing them. LIGHTS in bar flicker due to climate stuff. Clay is adamant: it’s not climate, it’s the Chinese.
30. EXT. SPACE – ON STRANDS
Increasing climate change causes the two strands continued break down.
31. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS
Ribbons of color encompass the neighborhood causing a terrified Elijah – who’d been out riding his bike – to bang on Clay’s door. Clay threatens to shoot him if he shows his black face at his home again. Elijah runs off as neighborhood shimmers and changes ever so subtly…
32. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS
Clay watches TV: Lincoln speaking to an adoring crowd. STATIC from TV then clips of him speaking at his rally/interspersed with Lincoln speaking. Clay finally understands! God’s sending him a message! Clay points his shotgun at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
The sky splits with ribboning colors that now interweave…
2. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
(NOTE: Basement is the same – only different!)
We assume it’s Clay sleeping on the couch. But when he rises, it’s black leader Lincoln Able and he’s had a bad dream that he can’t shake…
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing, turning, talking in his sleep was keeping her up. Lincoln says he had a vivid dream about being the Grand Dragon, yet when he woke, he wanted to kill him. Nubia laughs: One would make his daddy proud, the other his momma.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to a black couple about voting. The man’s son, a vet, grumbles about the uselessness of voting in the white man’s world. Lincoln says they can’t let hate win. You’re good as dead if you do.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln drives through a SHIMMER of lights, stops at a light just as the car next to him does too. Both drivers turn to each other. Clay and Lincoln stare at each other.
7. INT. LINCOLN’S CAR – CONTINOUS
Then, an urgent text from his wife: Come to hospital STAT! SHIMMER. Lincoln looks up. Man in opposite car is no longer Clay…
8. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY
Lincoln looks for his wife at the nurses’ station. SHIMMER. It appears Hannah greets him but – SHIMMER – it’s Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She’s pregnant! Lincoln’s joy is overshadowed by the fact that he’s seeing things.
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Nubia rolls Lincoln into MRI machine. He protests but she’s all about being more safe than sorry.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. EXT. GUN SHOP/INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT
Clay leaves a gun shop. Cell phone on seat says ‘missed call’ just as he opens the door and tosses in a box of ammo.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Odd brain patterns. Stress? With their baby finally coming, perhaps he can go back to old job. Lincoln laughs. What? Painting houses?
13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Clay sits in his car and loads his shotgun when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, has given Hannah a ride home. Clay angrily yanks his wife into the house.
14. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Clay confronts Hannah about being seen with a black man. How could she be so stupid?! He hits her again and again until she’s still…
Meanwhile…
15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs.
16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off…
SHIMMER…
17. EXT. LINCOLN/CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT
As Lincoln drives up to what he thinks is his house, he’s further disoriented when he recognizes the car that pulled up alongside him — and it’s parked in his driveway. Or is this even his driveway? Shots are fired from the house. Lincoln ducks into his car for safety.
SHIMMER
18. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – CONTINUOUS – NIGHT
Lincoln cautiously gets out of his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it. But it’s his house in front of him…
19. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln speaks but struggles. His head pounds. His speech turns spiteful – repressed anger released about “driving while black, jogging while black, voting while black…’
SHIMMERS…
The CHANGING crowd (black and then white) reacts, alternatingly jeering or cheering him on.
20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – ON CROWD – CONTINUOUS
Elijah is walking toward his grandma when he spots Clay, who’s taking aim at her. Elijah yells out a warning! Clay shoots the old woman, scattering the crowd. Now he aims at Lincoln, fires. Lincoln ducks and then chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… SHIMMER… he’s disappeared into thin air.
21. INT. LINCOLN HOME/CLAY’S HOME – DAY – LATER
Lincoln spots Clay rushing up to the house with his shotgun. He yanks his wife Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. No gun shots. She believes he’s having a breakdown.
22. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY
Lincoln shows Nubia the bullet holes in his car. Nubia demands he stop his work. They argue and he – totally out of character – pushes her to the ground. He’s about to strike her when he stops himself, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.
23. EXT. SPACE
The strands total collapse appears imminent.
24. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY
Someone’s in the shadows. Clay almost shoots but – it’s his daughter. She lost her baby. He embraces her, cries with her. She asks: can I come home now? Clay backs way… Full well knowing what happened to his sister, his own daughter chose to sleep with a black man. She can never come home. She’s tainted.
25. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Telephone call: Clay and his sister. She says ‘get over it.’ Never was raped. She took on those black men on as a FUCK YOU to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay denies when—FLASHBACK TO:
26. INT. KKK GRANDPA’S HOME – KID’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay watches as their grandpa slips into their room and leans over his sister’s bed.
OUT OF FLASHBACK-
27. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
He calls her a liar just like his wife and daughter – who’ve all betrayed him with the black man.
28. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Clay shoots out the windows of a black church. Shoots at folks as they run out.
29. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. After losing their hard sought-after baby, she doesn’t want to talk. Clay’s car emerges from a SHIMMER. Lincoln sees him, stops, orders his wife out of the car.
ACT THREE
1.EXT. SPACE
The two strands are collapsing into one another…
2.EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Clay aims at a random black man when his car is rammed by Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.
3. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where after SHIMMERS both appear and disappear from each other’s view. Sudden quake causes near collapse of building.
4. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood SHIMMERS.
5. EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Confused, she stands in the middle of a street she does not recognize. SHIMMER…
6. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
She’s suddenly back in her neighborhood when car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…
7. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s collapsing in on itself.
8. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other frustrates as their shapes SHIMMER in and out. Finally – their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.
9. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his shifting reflection in the water. It shifts out of being Lincoln, then Clay….
10. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It shifts out of being Clay, then Lincoln.
SHIMMER…
11. EXT PLANT – SHIFTED – NIGHT
Two SHIMMERS merge. The men are stuck between their universes, face to face. Could they, indeed, be each other. But how? Clay rails at God. All this time he thought he was serving him. Lincoln can’t accept it. He doesn’t have that kind of hate. Clay laughs. Doesn’t he?
SHIMMER TO WHITE OUT.
11. EXT. SPACE
String strands resonate like harp strings. The two broken strands merge and twist into a whole new one. A brilliant cacophony of big bang light and…
12. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines down on a newly formed reality – literally. Emmy and her black husband stroll with her baby past black and white townspeople who warmly ask what her baby’s name is. Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.
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Hi Arthur,
Yes, absolutely! Just know that I’m going to be almost starting from scratch to fix the problems so well pointed out by others. You can go ahead on comment on what I have or wait until the next incarnation!
Best,
Dev
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I will read yours asap!
best,
Dev
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Dev Ross – Lesson 15 – Get to the Essence VERSION 2
“THE BLACK AND THE WHITE”
or “CAINE AND ABLE”
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
Plot Choice: Rivalry
Character Structure: Protagonist vs Antagonist
Lead Characters: CLAY CAINE is a fading KKK Grand Dragon struggling to regain his former power who, in his fight to regain power, loses his family. LINCOLN ABLE is a Black Leader who works for the good of his community, who loses his family when he buys into revenge.
Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon assassinate a Black Leader?
Main Conflict: Will his obsession cause him to lose his wife and family?
Dilemma: He can’t stop because the man he’s trying to kill is now trying to kill him.
Theme: Your hate will ultimately destroy you.
9 BEATS:
OPENING: During increasing climate change issues — KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE is booed off stage at Supremacy conference for being a SINO – Supremacist in name only…
INCITING INCIDENT: Learns his daughter is pregnant with black baby, kicks her out of the house.
Page 10: Clay is a fading leader who is struggling to regain his power and influence as KKK leader as new White Supremacists groups have now captured the nation’s attention. His marriage is failing as well and he dismisses climate events as fear mongering. Finally, a cross is burned on his lawn when his daughter is found out to be pregnant with a black man’s baby.
First Turning point, End Act 1: Clay interrupts increasing extremely odd weather as a sign from God to him to murder rising Black Leader, Lincoln Able.
ACT TWO:
He wakes up (in alt universe) as that Black Leader with an uncharacteristic desire to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Clay accuses his wife of having an affair with a black man, kills her.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: In order to purse Clay, Lincoln forces his wife out of the car, which leads to her death.
Crisis: Caine can’t accept truth about sister.
Climax: As two worlds collide (caused by climate/String Theory) and as they are dying, the two men learn they are just the alt version of the other in an alternate universe.
Resolution: A whole new world has formed where race hatred is obsolete.
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
Amid increasing climate events, Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE of the KKK speaks at White Supremacist event and gets booed off stage as a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He replaced by youthful ADAM SPENCER, the hot new ticket in the hate game.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, lovingly suggests it’s time to leave Klan to focus on family. Daughter, EMMY, is off to meet a boyfriend she remains secretive about.
3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT
To Clay, news on climate change is fear-mongering. Changes channel to local coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Shakes his head, this is not the way to bring the change they want. Cites bible.
4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection; cites bible passages to support his views… FLASHBACKS to…
5. EXT. KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Clay’s grandfather, Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE gives a wickedly ‘patriotic’ speech filled with fiery biblical references to shouted praises. A cross burns as a mesmerized seven-year-old Clay, dressed his Klan robe, watches.
6. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay prays for a sign from God to tell him how to regain his former influence to stop the rising tide of Godless progressive liberalism and multiculturalism.
7. INT. FOYER – MORNING
Hannah returns from work as Clay leaves for work. She pulls him close, kisses him. He puts her off, leaving her frustrated.
8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Clay works as house painter. The homeowner, an elderly woman, asks if he’d be willing to mentor/apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s come to live with her. Clay quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
9. EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Odd, disturbing weather outside. The sky trips the light fantastic.
10. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – KKK MEETING – NIGHT
Clay reminds dwindling members that Klan members in their town used to be respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Grandmother presents her HALF-BLACK, grandson, ELIJAH, to Clay – who now refuses to mentor him as God prohibits race mixing. Grandma won’t take no for an answer.
12. INT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: They learn daughter Emmy’s pregnant with black baby. Clay throws her out.
13. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY
Clay, on edge, insists Elijah will have to work harder than most to be decent. Elijah wants to work hard, doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay relates.
14. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK
Clay’s father beats his mom behind closed doors while young Clay and his baby sister play inside their mother’s open suitcase with all her clothes strewn about.
15. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY
Clay watches Elijah work diligently. He can’t help but like the boy.
16. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay spurns Hannah’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates – a lot -until — shouts of “Nigger lovers” come from outside.
17. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away, leaving a cross burning on lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his family are “nigger lovers.”
18. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – MORNING
Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door, wants to know if her parents are okay.
19. INT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINUOUS
Clay forbids Hannah to let her in.
20. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINOUS
Mother and daughter touch palms through front window.
21. INT. CLAY’S HOME – MOMENTS LATER
Hannah’s leaving for work, comments positively on Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE because of his success at gaining black voter registration. Clay takes her comments as a dig. Lincoln’s a success – he’s a failure.
22. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
A violent wind blows over the ladder which knocks over the paint before Elijah can right it. The boy covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…
23. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – FLASHBACK – DAY
His daddy hits him over and over again…
24. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay grabs the boy into a hug.
EXT. STREETS – LATE DAY
Driving home, Clay berates himself about the boy. Must keep to his principles.
25. EXT. BAR – DAY
He stops at light next to BAR. FLASHBACK TO-
26. EXT. BAR – FLASHBACK – DAY
Clay’s father tells him to wait outside bar while he goes in. Clay watches as a WOMEN ENTERS. Laughter from inside as Clay waits. He peeks inside to seen the woman kissing his father.
27. EXT. BAR – OUT OF FLASHBACK – DAY
Light changes. Clay drives on. Stops, backs up.
28. INT. BAR – DAY
Clay drinks, watches Lincoln Able on TV as bartender complains about blacks replacing them. LIGHTS in bar flicker due to climate stuff. Clay offhandedly comments, it’s not climate, God’s pissed.
29. INT. BASEMENT – LATER – DAY
Errant electricity makes Clay’s TV turn on by itself — shows a happy commercial with a married black and white couple. Clay is disgusted.
Violent banging at his door! He grabs his shotgun.
30. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS
Electric static and ribbons of color encompass the neighborhood as a terrified Elijah bangs on Clay’s door. Clay, answers, says he’ll shoot him if he shows his black face at his house again. Elijah runs off into a neighborhood that seems to shimmer – change – shimmer – change back – shimmer…
31. INT. BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER
It appears to be Clay’s basement only different. A man sits and watches Lincoln Able speak to an adoring crowd. He appears to be making notes, writing another speech.
Shimmer…
32. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS
Clay watches Lincoln Able speak to an adoring crowd. He now knows God is telling him what to do. He points shotgun at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
A split sky ripples with ribboning colors that interweave…
2. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
We see the back of a man we assume is Clay sleeping on the couch. But when the man rises, we see he’s actually black leader Lincoln Able. He’s had a bad dream that he can’t shake…
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but he was keeping her up and she’s working a double today. When Lincoln says he had a crazy dream about wanting to kill the Grand Dragon, she laughs. He’s a peace maker not a killer.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to a black couple about voting. The man’s son, a vet, grumbles about the uselessness of voting. Lincoln says they can’t let helplessness and hate win. You’re good as dead if you do.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln drives, stops at a light when a car pulls up beside him. The driver in the other car turns to look at him. It’s Clay. SHIMMER… The car is gone. Lincoln’s ears start ringing and head pounds. Then, an urgent text from his wife…
7. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY
Lincoln, frantic, looks for his wife at the nurses’ station. It appears Hannah greets him but – SHIMMER – it’s suddenly Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She’s pregnant! Lincoln’s joy is overshadowed by the odd things that he’s been seeing and his pounding headache…
8. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Hannah takes daughter Emmy’s blood pressure, which is high. Fears she could lose the baby.
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Nubia rolls Lincoln into MRI machine. He protests but she’s all about being more safe than sorry.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. EXT. GUN SHOP/INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT
Clay leaves a gun shop. Cell phone on seat says ‘missed call’ just as he opens the door and tosses in a box of ammo. Drives off.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Some odd brain patterns, most likely stress. Now with their baby finally coming, perhaps he can go back to teaching…
13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Clay sits in his car and loads his shotgun when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, has given Hannah a ride. Angrily reminding her that people could be watching, he yanks his wife into the house.
14. INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Hannah says man is co-worker who gave her a ride home because Clay was likely too busy at a Klan meeting to help her. Clay angrily counters she could have been raped – like his sister was. What would people think of him then?! He hits her again and again until she’s still…
Meanwhile…
15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs. The sky ripples with ribbons of color.
16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off… Bathed in ribbons of light, the neighborhood shifts – looks almost the same only different.
17. EXT. CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT
Lincoln is disoriented. Then– he recognizes the car that pulled up alongside him parked in front of Clay’s home. Clay shoots at him. Lincoln speeds away as the neighborhood RIPPLES and shifts again.
18. EXT./INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
Lincoln’s car screeches up. Parks. He enters house. Heads upstairs. Downstairs TV sparks on. White Supremacists growing bravado on the news…
19. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – MORNING
Lincoln checks his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it.
20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln speaks but struggles. His head pounds. His speech turns hateful. The CHANGING crowd reacts, alternatingly jeering or cheering him on.
21. EXT. RALLY CROWD – CONTINUOUS
Elijah is there with his grandma. He looks around the crowd when he spots Clay pull out his shotgun… Elijah yells out a warning!
Clay shoot misses and the crowd scatters. Lincoln pulls away from his handlers and chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… he’s disappeared into thin air.
22. INT. LINCOLN HOME/CLAY’S HOME – DAY
Lincoln spots Clay rushing up to the house with his shotgun so yanks his wife Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. She believes he’s having a breakdown.
23. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY
Lincoln shows Nubia the bullet holes in his car. Nubia demands he stop his work. They argue and he – totally out of character – pushes her to the ground. He’s about to strike her when he stops himself, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.
24. EXT. SKY – DAY
Luminous ribbons of color cut across the sky. Rumbling…
25. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY
Shotgun toting Clay sees someone’s in the shadows waiting for him. Almost shoots when he hears his daughter’s whimpers. She lost her baby. Can she come home now? Clay sends her away.
26. INT. CLAY BASEMENT – NIGHT
Clay calls his sister to tell her she’ll finally be avenged. She tells him she was a drunk when her so-called rape by black men occurred. Truth? She took them on as a FUCK YOU to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay says she’s a liar just like his wife and daughter – who’ve all betrayed him with the black man.
27. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Clay shoots out the windows of a black church. Shoots at folks as they run out.
28. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. She won’t speak to him. Clay’s car emerges from a SHIMMER. Lincoln stops and orders his wife out of the car.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Clay aims at a random black man when his car is rammed by Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where after SHIMMERS both appear and disappear from each other’s view. Sudden quake causes near collapse of building.
3. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood SHIMMERS.
4. EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Confused, she stands in the middle of a street she does not recognize. SHIMMER…
5. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Back to her neighborhood when car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…
6. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s ripping apart.
7. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other frustrates as their shapes SHIMMER in and out. Finally – their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.
8. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water. It’s Lincoln.
9. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s Clay. The two look up at each other as a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
10. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) Two broken strings merge into a new one. A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
11. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines down on a newly formed reality – literally. Clay’s daughter strolls with her baby past black and white townspeople who warmly ask what her baby’s name is. Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.
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Hi June,
Hope you don’t mind if I offer comments! I was so touched by your original concept that I wanted to follow your story. In this expanded version, you’ve really captured the woundedness of your characters and their path to love and healing. That said, your story as outline seems more like a TV miniseries than a film, with each scene being excellent fodder for an entire episode. That said, I’m going to focus on ACT THREE in my comments because I believe there is far too much establishing Kim and Roy’s relationship still going on, all of which needs to have happened in the second act. By the third act, the rising action at the end of the second act should push them into the final action – the facing of their greatest fears – which bonds them once and for all and brings the film to closure. I suggest the planning and focusing on the blowing up of Kim’s brother’s cabin as the final action and then — when Kim now plans to commit suicide – as was their agreed plan – Roy declares his love and persuades her that her life is worth living, especially with him. Then, the tag could be them visiting Marilyn. Overall, everything is there. Now I suggest paring down your outline to the strongest story points that most directly lead you to the climax. It’s all there already.
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Thanks for your comments, Dana. You have underscored exactly my dilemma in writing this. However, I would prefer not to make this a switching bodies stories but rather an alt-universe story where humans exist as altered versions of themselves in different universes. In one universe, Clay is a White Supremacist and in the other he is a Black Leader. Basically a yin/yang concept of polar opposites. A comp would be Amazon’s “Man in the High Castle.” If I can’t solve this, I will really have to consider the switching bodies! Thank you for your comments! And, again, I love your story!
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I am open to all comments from my fellow writers!
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Hi Dana,
Firstly, let me tell you that your outline had me riveted. Honestly, my stomach got to churning as you ratcheted up the stacks and then had a great twist at end. Bravo! I have just one note for now. You start off with Ellen already in her car with her tension mounting about getting to work on time. My suggestion would be to actually see her interacting at home with her husband and children. Is there unfinished business there with her husband or one or both of her kids? Was she curt with them when she should have been loving because she has to get to work? Bottomline, though I totally empathized with her plight in wanting to save her family, I needed to know more about her relationship with them. Did she leave home after an argument with her husband or one of her kids? Did she have some kind of disconnect that she left unfinished because she had to leave? As emotional as this ordeal was for her, I felt her connection to her family wasn’t defined enough. Sure, every parent (I hope) loves their family but every family also has tensions between members that need to be resolved. It could even come up that one of her kids questions her ability to help others since THEIR family is so messed up. In Diehard, Bruce Willis was estranged from his wife which added to his emotional arc as he physically tried to save her. So… I think that by establishing her relationship with her family in the beginning, the emotional stakes will rise even more and make an already riveting story that much better.
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Dev Ross – Lesson 15 – Get to the Essence
OPEN WIDE TO CRITICS!
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
Plot Choice: Rivalry
Character Structure: Protagonist vs Antagonist
Lead Characters: CLAY CAINE is a fading KKK Grand Dragon struggling to regain his former power who, in his fight to regain power, loses his family. LINCOLN ABLE is a Black Leader who works for the good of his community who loses his family when he buys into revenge.
Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon assassinate a Black Leader?
Main Conflict: Will his obsession cause him to lose his wife and family?
Dilemma: He can’t stop because the man he’s trying to kill is now trying to kill him.
Theme: Your hate will ultimately destroy you.
9 BEATS:
OPENING: During increasing climate change issues — KKK Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE is booed off stage at Supremacy conference for being a SINO – Supremacist in name only…
INCITING INCIDENT: Learns his daughter is pregnant with black baby, kicks her out of the house.
Page 10: White Supremacists burn cross on his lawn because his daughter is a ‘nigger lover.’
First Turning point, End Act 1: Caine interrupts increasing extremely odd weather as a sign from God to him to murder rising Black Leader, Lincoln Able.
ACT TWO:
He wakes up (in alt universe) as that Black Leader with the desire to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Caine accuses his wife of having an affair with a black man, kills her.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: In order to purse Caine, Lincoln forces his wife out of the car, which leads to her death.
Crisis: Caine can’t accept truth about sister.
Climax: As two worlds collide (caused by climate/String Theory) and as they are dying, the two men learn they are just the alt version of the other in an alternate universe.
Resolution: A whole new world has formed where race hatred is obsolete.
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
Amid increasing climate events, Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE of the KKK speaks at White Supremacist event and gets booed off stage as a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He replaced by youthful ADAM SPENCER, the hot new ticket in the hate game.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, suggests it’s time to leave Klan to focus on family. Daughter, EMMY, is off to meet a boyfriend she remains secretive about.
3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT
To Clay, news on climate change is fear-mongering. Changes channel to local coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Shakes his head, this is not the way to bring the change they want.
4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection; FLASHBACKS to…
5. EXT. KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Clay’s grandfather, Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE gives a wickedly ‘patriotic’ speech to wild cheers and shouted praises. A cross burns as seven-year-old Clay, dressed his Klan robe, watches.
6. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay prays for a sign from God to tell him how to regain his former status and influence.
7. INT. FOYER – MORNING
Hannah returns from work as he’s leaves for work. She pulls him close, kisses him. He puts her off, leaving her frustrated.
8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Clay works as house painter. The homeowner, an elderly woman, asks if he’d be willing to mentor/apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson. Clay quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
9. EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Odd, disturbing weather outside…
10. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
KKK meeting to plot how to boost their falling membership. Clay reminds: Klan members used to be respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Grandmother presents her HALF-BLACK, grandson, ELIJAH, to Clay – who refuses to mentor him as God prohibits race mixing. Grandma says she knows of no better family man and Christian to mentor the boy.
12. INT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: They learn Emmy’s pregnant with black baby. Clay throws her out.
13. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY
Clay tells Elijah he’ll have to work harder than most to be decent. Elijah wants to work hard, doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay relates.
14. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK
Clay’s father beats his mom behind closed doors while young Clay and his baby sister play inside their mother’s open suitcase with all her clothes strewn about.
15. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY
Clay watches Elijah work diligently.
16. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay spurns Hannah’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates – a lot -until — shouts of “Nigger lover” come from outside.
17. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away, leaving a cross burning on lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his daughter is a nigger lover.
18. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – MORNING
Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door, wants to know if her parents are okay.
19. INT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINUOUS
Clay forbids Hannah to let her in.
20. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINOUS
Mother and daughter touch palms through front window.
21. INT. CLAY’S HOME – MOMENTS LATER
Before leaving for work, Hannah comments positively on Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE who is on news. Clay takes her comments as a dig.
22. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
A violent wind blows over the ladder which knocks over the paint before Elijah can right it. The boy covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…
23. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – FLASHBACK – DAY
His daddy hits him over and over again…
24. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay grabs the boy into a hug.
25. EXT. STREETS – LATE DAY
While driving home, Clay berates himself about the boy. Must keep to his principles.
26. EXT. BAR – DAY
He stops at light next to BAR. FLASHBACK TO-
27. EXT. ANOTHER BAR – FLASHBACK – DAY
Clay’s father tells him to wait outside bar while he goes in. Clay watches as a WOMEN ENTERS. Laughter from inside as Clay waits and waits…
28. EXT. BAR – OUT OF FLASHBACK – DAY
Light changes. Clay drives on. Stops, backs up.
29. INT. BAR – DAY
Clay drinks, watches Lincoln Able on TV as bartender complains about blacks replacing them. LIGHTS in bar flicker due to climate stuff.
30. INT. BASEMENT – LATER – DAY
Electricity in the air makes Clay’s TV turn on by itself. It plays all black shows in a loop with the last showing a black and white couple making love. Clay is disgusted.
31. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS
With tripping lights and electric static encompassing the neighborhood, a terrified Elijah bangs on Clay’s door. Clay says he’ll shoot him if he shows his black face at his house again.
32. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – LATER
A shotgun rests on Clay’s lap as his TV shows more images of blacks. The last image is of Lincoln Able. Clay takes this as a sign. God is telling him what to do. He points shotgun at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
A split sky ripples with ribboning colors that interweave…
2. INT. ANOTHER BASEMENT – MORNING
We see the back of a man we assume is Clay sleeping on the couch. But when the man rises, we see he’s actually black leader Lincoln Able. He’s had a bad dream that lingers…
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but he was keeping her up and she’s working a double today. When Lincoln says he had a crazy dream about killing the Grand Dragon, she laughs. He’s a peace maker not a killer.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to a couple about voting. The man’s son, a vet, grumbles about the uselessness of voting. Lincoln says they can’t let helplessness and hate win. You’re good as dead if you do.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln canvasses the neighborhood. A car follows him. Lincoln turns to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. Then — it almost swipes him but is gone again. Then, an urgent text from his wife…
7. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY
Lincoln, frantic, looks for his wife at the nurses’ station that shimmers and shifts. It appears Hannah grabs him but it’s really Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She’s pregnant! Lincoln’s joy is overshadowed by the odd things that he’s been seeing…
8. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Hannah takes daughter Emmy’s blood pressure, which is high. Fears she could lose the baby.
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Nubia rolls Lincoln into MRI machine. He protests but she’s all about being more safe than sorry.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT
Cell phone on seat says ‘missed call’ just as Clay opens the door from the outside and tosses in a box of ammo. Drives off.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Nothing there so maybe he’s been pushing himself too hard. Now with their baby finally coming, perhaps he can go back to teaching…
13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Clay sits in his car and loads his shotgun when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, has given Hannah a ride. Angrily reminding her of what happened to his sister, he yanks his wife into the house.
14. INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Hannah explains the man is a co-worker who just gave her a ride home because her own husband was likely too busy at a Klan meeting to help her. Clay angrily counters she could have been raped – like his sister was. Calling her a whore, he hits her again and again until she’s still…
Meanwhile…
15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs. The sky ripples with ribbons of color.
16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off… Bathed in ribbons of light, the neighborhood shifts – looks almost the same only different.
17. EXT. CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT
Lincoln is disoriented. Then– he recognizes the car that tried to run him down — parked in front of Clay’s home. Clay shoots at him. Lincoln dives into his car, speeds away as the neighborhood RIPPLES and shifts again.
18. EXT./INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
Lincoln’s car screeches up. Parks. He enters house. Heads upstairs. Downstairs TV sparks on. White Supremacists on the news…
19. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – MORNING
Lincoln checks his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it.
20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln speaks but struggles. His speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts, jeering or cheering him on.
21. EXT. RALLY CROWD – CONTINUOUS
Elijah is there with his grandma. He looks around the crowd when he spots Clay pull out his shotgun… Elijah yells out a warning!
Clay shoot misses and the crowd scatters. Lincoln pulls away from his handlers and chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… he’s disappeared into thin air.
22. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. He spots Clay hurrying toward the house with his shotgun so yanks Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. She thinks he’s losing it.
23. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY
Lincoln shows Nubia the bullet holes in his car. Nubia demands he stop his work. They argue and he – totally out of character – pushes her to the ground. He pulls her to her feet, holds her, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.
24. EXT. SKY – DAY
Luminous ribbons of color cut across the sky. Rumbling…
25. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY
Shotgun toting Clay hurries inside. Someone’s in the shadows waiting for him; he almost shoots when he hears his daughter’s whimpers. She lost her baby so can she come home now? Clay sends her away.
26. INT. CLAY BASEMENT – NIGHT
During phone call – Clay’s sister tells him she was a drunk when her so-called rape by black men occurred. Truth? She took them on as a FUCK YOU to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay says she’s a liar just like his wife and daughter – who’ve all betrayed him with the black man.
27. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Clay shoots out the windows of a black church. Shoots at folks as they run out.
28. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. She won’t speak to him. Clay’s car emerges from a RIPPLE. Lincoln stops and orders his wife out of the car.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Clay aims at a random black man when his car is rammed by Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. Sudden quakes cause near collapse of building.
3. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood ripples and shifts.
4. EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Confused, she stands in the middle of a street she does not recognize. RIPPLE.
5. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Back to her neighborhood when car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…
6. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s ripping apart.
7. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for amid their shapes rippling in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.
8. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water. It’s Lincoln.
9. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s Clay. The two look up at each other as a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
10. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
11. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines down on a newly formed reality – literally. Clay’s daughter strolls with her baby past black and white townspeople who warmly ask what her baby’s name is. Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.
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Dev Ross – Lesson 15 – Essence
What I learned from doing this assignment: Truncating my scenes into two lines made me focus so completely on what exactly my story is! I had already attached to how I was going to do them but with simplifying, I saw so many other possibilities!
Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon assassinate the Black Leader?
Main Conflict: Choosing his obsession over his family.
Dilemma: He can’t stop because now black leader is trying to kill him.
Theme: Hate will ultimately destroy you
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
Amid increasing climate events, Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE of the KKK speaks at White Supremacists Conference and gets booed off stage as a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He replaced by youthful ADAM SPENCER, the hot new ticket in the hate game.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, suggests it’s time to leave Klan to focus on family. Daughter, EMMY, is off to meet a boyfriend she remains secretive about.
3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT
To Clay views news on climate change is fear-mongering. Changes channel to local coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Shakes his head, this is not the way to bring the change they want.
4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection; FLASHBACKS to…
5. EXT. KLAN RALLY – NIGHT – FLASHBACK
Clay’s grandfather, Grand Dragon AUGUST ABLE gives a wickedly ‘patriotic’ speech to wild cheers and shouted praises. A cross burns as seven-year-old Clay, dressed his klan robe, watches.
6. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay prays for a sign from God to tell him how to go forward.
7. INT. FOYER – MORNING
Hannah returns from work as he’s leaves for work. She apologizes for last night, pulls him close, kisses him. He puts her off, leaving her frustrated.
8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Clay works as house painter. The homeowner, an elderly woman, asks if he’d be willing to mentor/apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson. Clay quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
9. EXT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Odd, disturbing weather outside…
10. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
KKK meeting to plot how to bring back their membership. Clay reminds that Klan members used to be respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians who were gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Grandmother presents her HALF-BLACK, grandson, ELIJAH, to Clay – who refuses to mentor him as God prohibits mixing. Grandma says she knows of no better family man and Christian to take on the boy.
12. INT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: At dinner, daughter, EMMY, runs off and vomit. When she returns, Emmy blathers on how Dad and her got married – early – and it all worked out. They learn Emmy’s pregnant with black baby and Clay, crying, throws her out.
13. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY
As they paint, Clay tells Elijah he’ll have to work hard to be decent. Elijah wants to work hard, doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay relates.
14. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – DAY – FLASHBACK
Clay’s father beats his mom behind closed doors while young Clay and his baby sister play inside their mother’s open suitcase with all her clothes strewn about.
15. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY
Clay watches Elijah work diligently.
16. INT. CLAY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay spurns Hannah’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates – a lot -until — shouts of “Nigger lover” come from outside.
17. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away, leaving a cross burning on lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his daughter is a nigger lover.
18. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – MORNING
Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door, wants to know if her parents are okay.
19. INT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINUOUS
Clay forbids Hannah to let her in.
20. EXT. CLAY’S HOME – CONTINOUS
Mother and daughter touch palms through front window.
21. INT. CLAY’S HOME – MOMENTS LATER
Before leaving for work, Hannah comments positively on Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE who is on news. Clay takes her comments as a dig.
22. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
A sudden turbulent wind blows over the ladder which knocks over the paint before Elijah can right it. The boy covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…
23. INT. CLAY’S CHILDHOOD HOME – FLASHBACK – DAY
His daddy hits him over and over again…
24. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay grabs the boy into a hug.
25. EXT. STREETS – LATE DAY
Clay berates himself about the boy. Must keep to his principles.
26. EXT. BAR – DAY
He stops at light next to BAR. FLASHBACK TO-
27. EXT. ANOTHER BAR – DAY – FLASHBACK
Clay’s father tells him to wait outside bar as he goes in. He’ll just be a minute… Laughter from inside as Clay waits and waits…
28. EXT. BAR – OUT OF FLASHBACK – DAY
Light changes. Clay drives on. Stops, backs up.
29. INT. BAR – DAY
Clay drinks, watches Lincoln Able on TV as bartender complains about blacks replacing them. LIGHTS in bar flicker due to the climate stuff. Clay says climate stuff is bull – believes it’s God trying to tell him something.
30. INT. BASEMENT – LATER – DAY
Electricity in the air makes Clay’s TV turn on by itself. It plays all black shows in a loop with the last showing a black and white couple making love.
31. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS
A terrified Elijah, with tripping lights and electric static encompassing the neighborhood, bangs on Clay’s front door. Waving his shotgun, Clay says he’ll shoot him if he shows his black face at his house again.
32. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – LATER
The shotgun rests on Clay’s lap as his TV blasts more images of blacks. The last image is of Lincoln Able. Clay finally understands what God is telling him what to do. He points shotgun at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
Sky ripples with ribboning colors…
2. INT. ANOTHER BASEMENT – MORNING
We see the back of a man we assume is Clay sleeping on the couch. But when the man stirs and sits up, we see he’s actually black leader Lincoln Able. His intense dream lingers.
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
His wife, NUBIA, apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing, turning was keeping her up and she’s working a double today. When Lincoln says he had a crazy dream about killing the Grand Dragon, she laughs.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to a couple about voting. The man’s son, a vet, appears, grumbles about the uselessness of voting. Lincoln acknowledges his feelings but they can’t let helplessness and hate win. You’re good as dead if you do.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln walks the neighborhood. A car follows him. Lincoln turns to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. Then — it almost swipes him but is gone again. Then, a urgent text from his wife…
7. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY
Lincoln, frantic, looks for his wife at the nurses’ station that shimmers and shifts. Hannah grabs him but it’s really Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She’s pregnant! Lincoln’s overjoyed but appears to have a fierce, blinding headache.
8. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Hannah takes Emmy’s blood pressure, which is high. Fears she could lose the baby. Hannah tells her not to worry, that her dad will come around.
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Nubia rolls Lincoln into MRI machine.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT
Cell phone on seat says ‘missed call’ just as Clay opens the door from the outside and tosses in a box of ammo. Drives off.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Nothing there so she suggests he’s pushing himself too hard. Now with their baby finally coming, perhaps he can go back to teaching…
13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Clay sits in his car and loads his shotgun when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, has given Hannah a ride. Reminding her of what happened to his sister, he yanks her into the house.
14. INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Hannah explains the man is a co-worker who just gave her a ride home because her own husband was likely too busy at a Klan meeting to help her. Clay angrily counters she could have been raped – like his sister was. Calling her a whore, he hits her again and again until she’s still…
Meanwhile…
15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs. The sky ripples with ribbons of color.
16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off… Bathed in ribbons of light, the neighborhood shifts – looks almost the same only different.
17. EXT. CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT
Lincoln is disoriented. Then– he recognizes the car that tried to run him down — parked in front of Clay’s home. Clay shoots at him. Lincoln dives into his car, speeds away as the neighborhood RIPPLES and shifts again.
18. EXT./INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
Lincoln’s car screeches up. Parks. He enters house. Heads upstairs. Downstairs TV sparks on. White Supremacists on the news…
19. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – MORNING
Lincoln checks his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it.
20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln introduces as speaker. He’s struggles. His speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts, jeering or cheering him on.
21. EXT. RALLY CROWD – CONTINUOUS
Elijah is there with his grandma. He looks around the crowd when he spots Clay pull out his shotgun… Elijah yells out a warning!
Clay shoot misses and the crowd scatters. Lincoln pulls away from his handlers and chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… it’s as if e’s disappeared into thin air.
22. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. He spots Clay hurrying toward the house with his shotgun so yanks Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. She thinks he’s losing it.
23. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY
Shows her bullet holes in car causing Nubia to demand he stop his work. They argue and he pushes her to the ground. He pulls her to her feet, holds her, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.
24. EXT. SKY – DAY
Luminous ribbons of color cut across the sky. Rumbling…
25. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY
Shotgun toting Clay hurries inside. Someone’s in the shadows waiting for him; he almost shoots when he hears his daughter’s whimpers. She lost her baby so can she come home now? Clay sends her away.
26. INT. CLAY BASEMENT – NIGHT
Phone call – Clay’s sister reminds him that like their parents, she was a drunk back. Black men didn’t rape her, she took them on as a FUCK YOU to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay says she’s a liar just like his wife and daughter – who’ve all betrayed him with the black man.
27. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Clay prowls the streets, looking for someone to kill while sprouting biblical references. He shoots out the windows of a black church.
28. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. She won’t speak to him. Clay’s car emerges from a RIPPLE. Lincoln stops and orders his wife out of the car.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Clay aims at a random black man when his car is rammed by Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. Sudden quakes cause near collapse of building.
3. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood ripples and shifts.
4. EXT. CLAY’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Confused, she stands in the middle of a street she does not recognize. RIPPLE.
5. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Back to her neighborhood when car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…
6. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s ripping apart.
7. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for amid their shapes rippling in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.
8. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water. It’s Lincoln.
9. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s Clay. The two look up at each other as a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
10. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
11. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines down on a newly formed reality – literally. Clay’s daughter strolls with her baby past black and white townspeople who warmly ask what her baby’s name is. Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.
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Dev Ross – Lesson 14 – Flag Scenes to elevate
What I learned from doing this assignment: by combing through each scene – especially from bottom to top, I saw how to make slight but deeper connections from scene to scene – like stringing pearls. Went back and made clearer set-ups to payoffs. I also found that the more I truncate sentences down to their bare bones, the clearer my story becomes to me – less words = clarity.
Flagged problems: The first scene didn’t go far enough in establishing my protagonist’s initial displacement. I needed to have him be more shocked and humiliated. I also saw that I needed to further develop his emotional state so I added scenes 3, 4, and 5. I also discovered that I hadn’t developed enough his move from being a dignified bigot to a straight-out assassin.
What still needs improvement: Hannah’s desires and why. Emmy’s pregnancy reveal. The scene where Clay sees Lincoln on TV for first time. Setting up Lincoln’s desire for a child. I don’t like how I have it right now…
Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon assassinate the Black Leader?
Main Conflict: Will his obsession cause him to lose his wife and family?
Dilemma: He can’t stop because now black leader is trying to kill him.
Theme: Your hate will ultimately destroy you
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
Amidst growing climate events a REPORTER covers the rise of extremism as Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE takes the stage at a White Supremacists Conference. He speaks. Crowd boos him. He’s a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. Shunned, he leaves the stage, is replaced by young ADAM SPENCER: CHEERS erupt! He shouts over them, “You – young white men – are this movement’s red meat! Our fire burns and the flames are rising!”” Mayhem…
2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
At dinner: A discussion ensues about WS event. Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, hurriedly readies herself for work while expressing – it’s time to leave the hate business to others and focus on their family. He slams his fist! He does it ‘for family and for all white Christian families to save their country!’ Daughter, EMMY, asks to be excused. Off to meet boyfriend. Clay asks when she’s going to bring him around. She misdirects, leaves. He eats the rest of his dinner alone.
3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT
Watches news. More on odd weather. Ignores it as fear-mongering. Watches coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Clay observes the young white men yelling, shakes his head. This is not the way.
4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection.
5. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Climbs in bed. Turns off the light. In the darkness, he prays for a sign from God to tell him what to do.
6. INT. BASEMENT – LATER – NIGHT
Light snaps on. He enters. A bible sits surrounded by KKK memorabilia. His grandfather’s Klan robe is on display. He stands in front of it remembering…
FLASHBACK to Klan rally. He’s a five-year-old dressed in his own robe watching his Grandpa set up a cross to burn while solemn members gather around. The lights from the fire shine in the little boy’s admiring eyes.
7. INT. CAINE FOYER – MORNING
Hannah returns from work just as he’s leaving. She apologizes for last night, pulls him close, kisses him. She’d like it to go farther but he puts her off. She says daughter is spending the night with friend, starts removing her clothes right there. This is one way she’d like to spend more time with her. He’s embarrassed, brushes her off, leaving her frustrated.
8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Clay works as house painter. The homeowner, an elderly woman from his church, asks him if he’d be willing to apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s coming to live with her. He could really use a male mentor. Clay’s obliging. Quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” His grandpa taught him the trade and he’d always wanted a son to pass it on to. She hugs him.
9. EXT./INT. CLAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Odd, disturbing weather outside. Klan meeting inside. A puny rag-tag group of older white men with chips on their shoulders and trauma in their pasts. One suggests they start a social media campaign. No one knows how. Clay assures members will come back when they tire of the radical, attention seeking tactics of emerging supremacist groups. Reminds attendees the Klan used to have respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians in their ranks. They can regain that respectability again and, thus, regain control of the country. They are gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
10. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay paints. Grandmother brings her grandson around. He’s half black. Clay reacts. Pulls Grandma aside. No way he can do it. He doesn’t approve of race mixing. Grandma says she knows of no better family man and Christian to take on the boy. She implores him.
11. INT. CLAINE HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: Family dinner. Daughter, EMMY, feels sick, removes herself from table. Sounds of her vomiting. Emmy returns to table. Emmy blathers on how Dad and her got married – early – and it all worked out. Clay realizes Emmy’s pregnant. He agrees with his wife and says he’d welcome a grandchild. Emmy reveals she’s carrying a black baby. Clay throws her out of the house.
12. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY
Grandma pushes her grandson, ELIJAH, toward Clay, leaves. Clay explains to the boy that being mixed means he’s tainted. God doesn’t want us to mix. Cites bible. Says the boy will have to fight harder than most to be a good person. Elijah says he’s willing to work harder. He doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay can relate. He doesn’t want to be like his father either. Tells the boy to wash out some paintbrushes while he continues to paint…
FLASHBACK of his father beating his mom behind closed doors while young Clay and his baby sister play inside their mother’s open suitcase with all her clothes strewn about.
13. INT. CLAINE BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay spurns Hannah’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates – a lot -until — shouts of “Nigger lover” come from outside.
14. EXT. CLAINE HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away. A cross burns on Clay’s lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his daughter is a nigger lover. Fire trucks arrive. Fire Captain’s surprised that Clay’s house was targeted. There was a time when everyone respected him.
15. EXT./INT. CLAINE HOME – MORNING
OUTSIDE: Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door. Wants to know if her parents are okay.
INSIDE: Clay forbids Hannah to let her in. Mother and daughter touch palms through front window. Emmy leaves.
Before leaving, Hannah tells her husband she’s working late. Caine watches Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE on news. Hannah comments on how the black nurses at the hospital all talk about him. She can see why. He’s making a difference. Clay takes her comment as a dig that he’s not. Hannah comments that Lincoln is also charismatic. Another dig. As she leaves, she says he’ll have to make his own dinner. One last dig.
16. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay works in silence with Elijah. Wind almost knocks over ladder. Elijah grabs for it but it knocks over the paint. Clay starts towards him. The boy flinches, covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…
FLASHBACK – His daddy hitting him over and over again…
OUT OF FLASHBACK – Clay grabs the boy into a hug.
17. EXT. BAR – DAY
Clay’s driving home. Stops at light next to BAR. FLASHBACK to seeing his father telling him to wait outside bar as he goes in. Light changes. He drives on. Stops, backs up.
18. INT. BAR – DAY
Clay drinks a beer. More on Lincoln Able on TV. Bartender is about to change it but Clay says to leave it. He wants to study the man. Bartender complains: uppity black is going to get all the whites voted out of office. They’re going to lose their country but there’s nothing decent white folks can do about it. If they did, they’d get videoed, convicted by elites, sent to prison. Bartender poses a question: Would prison be worth it if you knew that by killing an evil you made the world better? LIGHTS in bar flicker. It’s the climate stuff. Clay begs to differ. It’s God. He’s trying to tell him something.
19. INT. BASEMENT – LATER – DAY
The light snaps on. Clay enters, cracks another beer from mini-frig. Grandpa’s Klan photo is off kilter. He straightens it. It crashes to the floor. TV turns on by itself. The TV fuzzes before Lincoln Able appears in a news loop. Clay tries to turn the TV off but the channels go through a loop of black shows: a sit-com, commercial with a black and white couple, a show where a black and white couple make love… All of it reflects back in Clay’s stoic face.
20. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS
Elijah rides his bike. Lightening rips the darkening sky in half. Ribbons of color slip through the rift. It’s like the aurora borealis. The tripping lights encompass the neighborhood. Frightened, Elijah rides to Clay’s house. Knocks on the door. He’s scared. Let him in! Clay pulls open the door. Holds a rifle. He rages at Elijah for coming to his home! Says he’ll shoot him if he ever comes to his house again. Elijah rides off.
21. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – LATER
Clay sits on the couch, rifle resting on his lap. The TV still blasts images of blacks that reflect across his face. The last is Lincoln Able. Clay gets emotional. He finally understands. God is telling him what to do. He points rifle at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
Sky ripples with ribboning colors…
2. INT. ANOTHER BASEMENT – MORNING
We see the back of a man we assume is Clay sleeping on the couch. But when the man stirs and sits up, we see he’s actually black leader Lincoln Able. He’s disoriented. An intense dream lingers. His attention is pulled to a spider crawling across his arm. He sets it free through a low basement window.
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
His wife, NUBIA, hands him coffee. Apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing, turning, and talking in his sleep was keeping her up and she’s working a double today. Lincoln says he had a crazy dream about killing the Grand Dragon of their local Klan. She laughs. Yeah, right. Remember, he’s the type who carries bugs outside. She leaves for work. She’s nurse. He’s still distracted over the dream.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his group of white and black volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. It’s clear they hang on his every word. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past, ignoring them. Then, a woman in a mom van rolls almost to a stop. Yells “Fuck you” at them, speeds away, flipping them off.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to a couple about voting. The man’s son appears. He fought in Afghanistan. Full of bitterness. Says voting won’t do nothing. Nothing changes. Leaves. Man apologizes for his son. No need. Lincoln acknowledges that the black man carries a chip on their shoulder. But you can’t let hate win you over. If you do, you’re as good as dead.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln bids the couple good-bye and continues walking the neighborhood. A car follows him. Lincoln turns to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. He turns the corner and the car is following him again. It gets close, almost swipes him but is gone again. Going crazy? A text from his wife pulls his attention. To the hospital ASAP!
7. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY
Lincoln, frantic, looks for his wife. The nurse station starts to shimmers and shift. It appears Hannah grabs him but it’s Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She shows him her pregnancy test. She cries, embraces him, never thought it would happen. Lincoln seems off. He doesn’t want to worry her but… he’s been seeing things.
8. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Hannah takes Emmy’s blood pressure. It’s high. Fears she could lose the baby. Her dad would like that. Hannah tells her not to worry. He’ll come around. The baby will still be his flesh and blood.
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Lincoln rolls into MRI machine.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT
Cell phone on seat says ‘missed call’ just as Clay opens the door from the outside and tosses in a box of ammo. Drives off.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Nothing wrong. Suggests he’s pushing himself too hard. Now with their baby coming, perhaps he can go back to teaching. Lincoln laughs – as if teaching is any easier.
13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Clay pulls up in his car. Sits and loads his rifle when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, gets out, opens door for Hannah, who hugs him in thanks. Clay’s face tightens. As driver pulls away, Clay gets out of his car to meet his wife. She’d relieved to see him. She called and called. He slaps her and pulls her into the house.
14. INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
In an Iago-esque madness, he accuses her of sleeping with the black guy. Hannah explains the man is a co-worker who gave her a ride because she asked him! She called Clay first but he was likely too busy at one of his damned Klan meetings that nobody shows up too. Clay is incensed. He counters she could have been raped like his sister was. She comes back at him – his sister was a drug-addict prostitute! It’s time he stopped pretending she was a saint! Calling her a whore, he hits her again and again until she’s still…
Meanwhile…
15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs. The sky ripples with ribbons of color.
16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off… Bathed in ribbons of light, the neighborhood shifts – looks almost the same only different.
17. EXT. CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT
Lincoln is disoriented. Then– he recognizes the car that tried to run him down — parked in front of Clay’s home. Lincoln sees Clay burying something in the backyard. Clay spots him. Grabs his rifle, fires. Lincoln dives into his car, speeds away as the neighborhood RIPPLES and shifts again.
18. EXT./INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
Lincoln’s car screeches up. Parks. He enters house. Heads upstairs. Downstairs TV sparks on. White Supremacists on the news…
19. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – MORNING
Lincoln checks his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it.
20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln introduces as speaker. He’s struggles. His speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts, jeering or cheering him on.
Elijah is there with his grandma. He looks around the crowd when he spots Clay pull out a gun…
Elijah yells out a warning!
Clay fires. Misses. Crowd scatters. Lincoln is being rushed off stage when he spots Clay running away. He pulls away from his handlers and chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… it’s as if he’s disappeared into thin air.
21. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. Spotting, blood on her panties, came home. Lincoln spots Clay hurrying toward the house with a rifle? Lincoln yanks Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. She thinks he’s losing it.
22. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY
Shows her bullet holes in car. Nubia demands he stop his work. It’s drawing too much attention and hate towards him. He says he has to be bigger than that. He’s doing it for her, for their child, for their people, for country! She tries to calm him; he pushes her away. She topples to the ground. He pulls her to her feet, holds her, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.
Luminous ribbons of color cut across the sky. Rumbling…
23. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY
Rifle toting Clay hurries inside. Someone’s in the shadows waiting for him. He points his rifle at the shadow. Hears his daughter’s whimpers. She lost the baby. Can she come home now? Boyfriend said they couldn’t be together now because of all the threats from Spencer’s White Supremacist Group. Clay sends her away.
24. INT. CLAY BASEMENT – NIGHT
He’s dead asleep. Phone rings. It’s his sister. Emmy, Clay’s daughter, called her, told her what happened. She wants to know why Clay would throw his own daughter out. He says it’s because of what happened to her, raped by the black man. She says let it go. It’s the past. She was a drunk then just like their lousy parents. She’s sober now and tells the truth no matter how hard it is. Black men didn’t rape her. She was drunk and took them all on as a fuck you to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay idolized him but she hated him. Clay goes nuts. She’s a liar. His wife, daughter, and now his sister – all have betrayed him. All tainted by the black man.
25. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Clay prowls the streets, looking for someone to kill while sprouting biblical references. He shoots out the windows of a black church.
26. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. Both are stoic. He tries to speak to her but she stops him with a hand. Clay’s car emerges from a RIPPLE. Lincoln stops and orders his wife out of the car. Shaken, she gets out. He speeds off.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Clay takes aim at a random black man when his car is rammed. It’s Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. Sudden quakes cause near collapse of building.
22. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood ripples and shifts. She stands in the middle of a street, wonders where she is? Frantically pulls out her GPS. RIPPLE. Back to her neighborhood. RIPPLE. Car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…
23. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s ripping apart.
24. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other intensifies. Shadows and shapes pulsing in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.
25. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water. It’s Lincoln.
26. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s Clay. The two look up at each other as a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
27. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
28. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines on a newly formed reality – literally. Clay’s daughter and husband stroll with their baby past black and white townspeople who greet them. Grandma comes to comment warmly on Emmy’s baby mixed race baby. What’s his name? Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.
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Dev Ross – Pass 7 – Set-up/Payoff
What I learned from doing this assignment is that for every action there needs to be a reaction. The reaction can come swiftly or it can be a slow burn… The payoffs always deepen the stakes.
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
SP CHAIN 1: The weather is a ticking clock.
Setup: Reporter speaks over inclement weather
Payoff 1: Weather worsens to aurora borealis effect, causes accidents, misdirection
Payoff 2: The weather ultimately ends the world
SP CHAIN 2: Caine loses his power.
Setup: Cain gets up to speak and White Supremacists call him a SINO – Supremacist in Name Only
Payoff 1: Hardly anyone shows to Caine’s regular Klan meeting
Payoff 2: White Supremacists burn a cross on Caine’s lawn
SP CHAIN 3: Grandma asks Caine to mentor her grandson
Payoff 1: Caine sees that the boy is half black
Payoff 2: Despite himself, Caine shows the boy kindness and love
Payoff 3: Caine rejects his feelings and rejects boy
SP CHAIN 4: Caine’s wife Lizzie informs him she needs more attention – sex.
Payoff 1: She tries to seduce him
Payoff 2: He comes on to her but she rejects him
Payoff 3: In an act of jealousy and rage, he kills her
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
Amidst growing climate events a REPORTER covers the rise of extremism as Grand Dragon CAINE JAMESTON takes the stage at a White Supremacists Conference. He speaks. Crowd boos him. He’s a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He’s left hurt and confused.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Caine’s wife, LIZZIE, tells him that it’s a sign – time to leave the hate business to others and focus on their family – on her. He says he does it ‘for family and for all white Christian families to save their country.’ He’s emotional. She’s loving, patient – for now. She’s got to go – hurry to work night shift at hospital. Their daughter hurries off to meet boyfriend. Caine asks when she’s going to bring him around to meet them. She acts coy, misdirects, leaves. He eats dinner alone. Checks news. More on odd weather. Ignores it as fear-mongering. Watches coverage on WS rally. A new, younger speaker, ADAM SPENCER, from The Sons of Patriots gets rousing response: “Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us!”
2. INT. CAINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Caine tosses and turns, gets up.
3. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
A bible sits surrounded by KKK memorabilia. His grandfather’s Klan robe is on display.
FLASHBACK to Klan rally. He’s a five-year-old dressed in his own robe, watching his Grandpa set up a cross to burn. The lights from the fire shine in the little boy’s admiring eyes.
OUT OF FLASHBACK
Sleeps on the couch. He’s wearing his grandpa’s robe.
4. INT. CAINE FOYER – MORNING
LIZZIE, his wife, comes home just as he’s leaving for work. She pulls him to her in a deep kiss. She’d like it to go farther but he puts her off. What’s gotten in to her? Not exhausted from work? She starts removing her clothes, reminds him that she meant it when she said she wants more from. He’s embarrassed, points out their work time differences, brushes her off and leaves, leaving her frustrated.
5. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Caine works as house painter. The homeowner, an elderly woman from his church, asks him if he’d be willing to apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s coming to live with her. He could really use a male mentor. Caine’s obliging. Quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” His grandpa taught him the trade and he’d always wanted a son to pass it on to. She hugs him.
6. EXT./INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Inclement weather outside. Klan meeting inside. A small rag-tag group of young and old white men with chips on their shoulders and trauma in their pasts. Caine says members will return once they tire of the radical tactics of emerging supremacist groups. Reminds attendees the Klan used to have respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians in their ranks. They can regain that respectability again and, thus, regain control of the country. They are gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
7. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Caine paints. Grandmother brings her grandson around. He’s half black. Caine reacts harshly. Pulls Grandma aside. He can’t do it. Grandma says she knows of no better family man and Christian to take on the boy. She implores him.
8. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: Family dinner. Daughter, EMMY, feels sick, removes herself from table. Sounds of vomiting. Emmy returns to table. Lizzie hints that maybe Emmy could marry her boyfriend. Dad and her got married – early – and it all worked out. Emmy reveals her boyfriend is black. Caine finally gets it. His daughter is pregnant with a black baby! Enraged, he throws her out of the house. Lizzie pleads with him to no avail.
9. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY
Caine explains to the boy, Elijah, that being mixed means he’s tainted. God doesn’t want us to mix. Says the boy will have to fight harder to be a good person and even then, it’s a toss-up. Elijah says he’s willing to work harder. He doesn’t want to be like his father. Caine can relate. He doesn’t want to be like his father either. Tells the boy to wash out some paintbrushes while he continues to paint…
FLASHBACK of his father beating his mom behind closed doors while young Caine and his baby sister play inside an open suitcase with clothes strewn about.
10. INT. CAINE BEDROOM – NIGHT
Caine spurns Lizzie’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates until — shouts of “Nigger lover” come from outside.
11. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away. They’ve left behind a cross burning on Caine’s lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his daughter is a nigger lover. Fire trucks arrive. Fire Captain’s surprised that Caine’s house was targeted. There was a time when no one would fuck with him.
12. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – MORNING
OUTSIDE: Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door, wanting to see if her parents are okay.
INSIDE: Caine forbids Lizzie to let her in. Mother and daughter touch palms through front window. Lizzie informs Caine she’s working late. Since he’s tossed out their daughter, his dinner is up to him. Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is on news. Wife comments on how the black nurses at the hospital all talk about him. Lizzie can see why. He’s making a difference. Caine take it as a dig that he’s not. Lizzie comments that Lincoln is also charismatic. Caine takes that as a hint too…
13. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Caine works in silence with Elijah. Wind almost knocks over ladder. Elijah grabs for it but knocks it over into the paint, spilling it. He flinches as Caine approaches him. Is he going to get hit? Caine stands frozen, remembering…
FLASHBACK – His daddy hitting him over and over again…
OUT OF FLASHBACK – Caine grabs the boy into a hug. Then, realizing what he’s done, backs off… embarrassed.
14. EXT. BAR – DAY
Caine’s driving home. Stops at light next to BAR. FLASHBACK to seeing Dad telling him to wait outside bar as he goes in.
15. INT. BAR – DAY
Caine drinks a beer. More on Lincoln Able on TV. Bartender is about to change it but Caine, the only customer, says leave it on. Bartender complains: uppity black is going to get all the whites voted out of office. They’re going to lose their country but there’s nothing decent white folks can do about it. If they did, they’d get videoed, convicted by elites, sent to prison. Bartender poses a question to Caine: Would prison be worth it if you knew you by killing an evil, you’ve made the world better? Caine orders another beer. LIGHTS in bar flicker. Mention of the odd climate stuff. Electricity is in the air.
16. INT. CAINE’S HOUSE – EVENING
Wind howls. His wife gets ready for work. He pulls her to him suggestively. She’s eager for his attentions until she gets grossed out. He smells of stale beer and paint. Pushes him away. He accues her of playing the Jezebel, sending mixed messages to make him the fool.
17. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The light snaps on. Caine enters, cracks another beer from mini-frig. Grandpa’s Klan photo is off kilter on the wall. He straightens it. It crashes to the floor. TV turns on by itself. The TV fuzzes before Lincoln Able appears in a news loop. Caine tries to turn the TV off but, instead, the channels go through a loop of black shows: a sit-com, commercial with a black and white couple, a show where a black and white couple make love… All of it reflects back in Caine’s stoic face.
18. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Elijah rides his bike. Lightening seems to rip the sky in half. Ribbons of color slip through the rift. It’s like the aurora borealis. The tripping lights encompass the neighborhood. Frightened, Elijah rides to Caine’s house. Knocks on the door. He’s scared. Let him in! Drunk Caine answers and, citing bible passages that he wildly misinterprets, rages at Elijah for coming to his home! Says he’ll kill him if he ever comes to his house again. Elijah runs off.
19. INT. CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Caine sits on the couch with his rifle. The TV still blasts images of blacks across his face. The last is Lincoln Able. Caine points his rifle at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
Sky ripples with ribboning colors…
2. INT. ANOTHER BASEMENT – MORNING
We see the back of a man we assume is Caine sleeping on the couch. But when the man stirs and sits up, we see he’s actually black leader Lincoln Able. He’s disoriented. An intense dream lingers. His attention is pulled to a spider crawling across his arm. He sets it free through a low basement window.
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
His wife, NUBIA, a nurse, hands him coffee. Apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing and turning kept her up. She’s working a double shift today. He had a crazy dream telling him that he needed to kill the Grand Dragon of their local Klan. She laughs. Yeah, right. Remember, he’s the type who carries bugs outside. She leaves. He’s still distracted over the dream.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his group of white and black volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. It’s clear they hang on his every word. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past. Then, a woman in a mom van rolls almost to a stop to yell out a “Fuck you” to the canvassing group. Lincoln sends his group out with positive words of encouragement.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to a couple about the issues and voting. The man’s son appears. He fought in Afghanistan. Full of bitterness. Says voting won’t do nothing. Nothing changes. Leaves. Man asks if Lincoln has kids. Lincoln says unfortunately no, not yet. Man apologizes for his son. No need. Lincoln acknowledges that the black man carries a chip on their shoulder. But you can’t let hate win you over. If you do, you’re as good as dead.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln bids the couple good-bye and continues walking the neighborhood. A car follows him. Lincoln turns to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. He turns the corner and the car is following him again. It gets close and almost side swipes him but then is gone again. Going crazy? A text from his wife pulls his attention. To the hospital ASAP!
7. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY
Lincoln, frantic, looks for his wife. The nurse station shimmers. Lizzie grabs him, pulls him into a private room. But it’s not Lizzie, it’s Nubia. Lincoln’s thrown until she shows him her pregnancy test. They embrace, cry, never thought it would happen. Nubia senses something’s wrong with Lincoln. If they’re finally having a baby, he better stay healthy! Lincoln admits he’s seeing things…
THE ROOM SHIMMERS…
8. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Lizzie takes Emmy’s blood pressure. It’s high. Fear she’ll lose the baby. Her dad would like that. Lizzie tells her not to worry. He’ll come around. He’s a good man at heart.
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Lincoln rolls into MRI machine.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Lizzie’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. INT. CAINE’S CAR – NIGHT
Cell phone on seat says missed call just as Caine opens the door from the outside and tosses in a box of ammo. Drives off.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nubia has scan results. Nothing wrong with him. Suggests he’s pushing himself too hard. Now with their baby coming, perhaps he can go back to teaching. Lincoln laughs – as if teaching is any easier these days?
13. EXT. CAINE’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Caine pulls up in his car. Sits and loads his rifle when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, gets out, opens door for Lizzie, who hugs him in thanks. Caine’s face contorts. As driver pulls away, Caine gets out of his car to meet his wife. She’d relieved to see him. She called and called. He grabs her and drags her into the backyard.
EXT. BACKYARD – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
In an Iago-esque madness, Caine accuses her of sleeping with that black guy. Lizzie explains the man is a co-worker who offered her a ride because she asked him! She called him first but he was likely too busy at one of his damned Klan meetings that nobody shows up too. Caine counters she could have been raped just like his sister was. She comes back at him – his sister was a drug-addict prostitute! It’s time he stopped pretending she was a saint! Calling her a whore, he hits her again and again until she’s still…
Meanwhile…
EXT. CAINE FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs. The sky booms and ripples.
14. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off… Bathed in ribbons of light, the neighborhood shifts – looks different.
15. EXT. CAINE’S STREET – NIGHT
Disoriented, Lincoln recognizes the car that tried to run him down parked in the driveway of Caine’s home. Lincoln gets out of his car and spies Caine burying something in the backyard. Caine spots him. Grabs his rifle. Lincoln runs. Dives into his car and pulls away as Caine fires at him. As Lincoln speeds away, the neighborhood shifts again. He finds his home, pulls in, parks.
16. INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
Enters. Heads upstairs. Downstairs TV sparks on. White Supremacists on the news…
17. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – MORNING
Lincoln checks his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it.
18. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln is speaker. He’s struggles as his speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts. Some are disappointed in him but others jeer/cheer him on.
Elijah is there with his grandma. He looks around the crowd when he spots Caine pull out a gun…
Elijah yells out a warning!
Caine fires. Misses. Crowd scatters. Lincoln is being rushed off stage when he spots Caine running away. He pulls away from his handlers and chases after Caine. He thinks he has him cornered but… it’s as if he’s disappeared into thin air.
19. INT./EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. She was spotting, came home. Lincoln sees Caine hurrying toward the house with a rifle? He freaks, yanks her to the floor. Nothing happens.
He pulls her outside to see bullet holes in car. Nubia demands he stop his work. He lets loose, rages about driving while black. Walking while black. Jogging while black. She tries to calm him; he pushes her away. She topples to the ground. He pulls her to her feet, holds her, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.
Luminous ribbons of color cut across the sky. Rumbling…
20. INT. CAINE HOME – DAY
Caine with rifle, hurries inside. Someone’s in the shadows waiting for him. He’s about to raise his rifle when he hears his daughter’s whimpering. She lost the baby. Can she come home now? Boyfriend kicked her out due to the threats… Caine says she can’t come home. She’s tainted now. Sends her away.
21. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
He’s dead asleep. Phone rings. It’s his sister. Emmy called her. She has nowhere to go. Caine says he sent his daughter away out of respect for her – her rape by inferior black men. She says let it go. It’s the past. She was a drunk then just like their lousy parents. She’s sober now and tells the truth no matter how hard it is. Black men didn’t rape her. She was drunk and took them all on as a fuck you to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Caine idolized him but she hated him. Caine goes nuts. She’s a liar. His wife, daughter, and now his sister – all have betrayed him. They’ve all been tainted by the black man.
22. EXT. JEWISH NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Caine guns his car through the streets, looking for someone to kill. Sprouts biblical references and the common Klan belief that the Jew controls the black. Kill the Jew, the black will fall back in line. His rifle fire shatters the windows of a synagogue.
23. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. Both are stoic. He tries to speak to her but she puts her hand up for him to stop. RIPPLE… He sees Caine’s car pass by. Lincoln stops and orders his wife out of the car. Shaken, she gets out. He speeds off.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Caine takes aim at a random black man when his car is rammed. It’s Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Get out and pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. Sudden quakes cause near collapse of building.
3. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when the neighborhood ripples and shifts until she no longer recognizes it. RIPPLE. It shifts again – this time to her old neighborhood. She sighs in relief, pulls out her cell phone. RIPPLE. No service. Hears brakes screaming. Looks up. The face of the approaching car’s driver is frozen in anguish…
4. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s ripping apart.
5. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other intensifies. Shadows and shapes pulsing in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves to get out.
6. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Caine drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water and doesn’t understand.
7. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s not him but Caine. The two men are directly in front of the other. Their two heads could touch. In their dying moments, they look up at each other a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
8. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
9. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines on a newly formed reality – literally. Caine’s daughter and husband stroll with their baby past black and white townspeople who greet them. Grandma comes to comment warmly on Emmy’s baby mixed race baby. What’s his name? Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.
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Dev Ross – Cliché busting
What I learned from doing this assignment was farther ranging than I thought. True, it made me see a few scenes in a whole new way, but even in scenes I felt were not cliché, I still found ways to subtly change them to make them richer and, in some places, twister. Great lesson!
CHOSEN SCENE: MORNING SCENE BETWEEN CAINE AND HIS WIFE
PURPOSE: Keep Lizzie’s intention in that she wants her husband to understand that she needs more time with him.
IDEAS:
A. As she comes home, she immediately makes their contact sexual. She unbuttons the top part of her nurse uniform, kisses him deeply.
B. As she comes home, she hands him a letter. After she exists, he reads it. It looks official. It’s her demands for more of his time. He has to check the box that states the demands he can live with.
C. As she arrives home, he sees she’s wearing a KKK robe. Thought that was the only way she could get his attention.
CHOSEN SCENE: House painting scene with Caine and Elijah
PURPOSE: To show Caine’s conflicted feelings about the boy due to his own childhood trauma.
A. When the boy messes up, he hugs him close and then violently pushes him away in case anyone is watching.
B. When the paint spills, Caine spills his guts about his own father.
C. Go to paint store to buy more paint. Boy offers to pay because it was his fault. FLASHBACK to Caine’s as a child quick to take on the fault for the sake of avoiding his father’s wrath.
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Dev Ross – PASS#7 – Subplots
What I learned from doing this assignment: by giving a beginning, middle and an end to my subplots I ended up rearranging the order of many of my scenes, which now gives me a deeper, richer story.
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
Amidst growing climate events a REPORTER covers the rise of extremism as Grand Dragon CAINE JAMESTON speaks at a White Supremacists Conference. Crowd boos him. He’s a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He’s left hurt and confused.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Caine’s wife, LIZZIE, tells him that maybe it’s sign – time to leave the hate business to others and focus on their family. He says he does it ‘for family and for all white Christian families to save their country.’ He’s emotional. She’s loving. She’s got to go – hurry to work night shift at hospital. Their daughter hurries off to meet boyfriend. Caine asks when she’s going to bring him around to meet them. She acts coy, misdirects, leaves. He eats dinner alone. Checks news. More on odd weather. Ignores it as fear-mongering. Watches coverage on WS rally. A new, younger speaker, ADAM SPENCER, from The Sons of Patriots gets rousing response: “Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us!”
2. INT. CAINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Caine tosses and turns, gets up.
3. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
A bible sits surrounded by KKK memorabilia. His grandfather’s Klan robe is on display.
FLASHBACK to Klan rally. He’s a five-year-old dressed in his own robe, watching his Grandpa set up a cross to burn.
OUT OF FLASHBACK
Sleeps on the couch. He’s wearing his grandpa’s robe.
4. INT. CAINE FOYER – MORNING
Lizzie comes home just as he leaves. They kiss. She reminds him that she meant it. She wants more time with him. He points out their work time differences. She says they can fix that. There’s always other choices.
5. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Caine works as house painter. The homeowner, an elderly woman from his church, asks him if he’d be willing to apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s coming to live with her. He could really use a male mentor. Caine’s obliging. Quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” His grandpa taught him the trade and he’d always wanted a son to pass it on to. She hugs him.
6. EXT./INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Inclement weather outside. Klan meeting inside. A handful show up. A rag-tag group of young and old white men with chips on their shoulders and trauma in their pasts. Caine says members will return once they tire of the radical tactics of emerging supremacist groups. Reminds attendees the Klan used to have respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians in their ranks. They can regain that respectability again and, thus, regain control of the country. They are gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
7. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Caine paints. Grandmother brings her grandson around. He’s half black. Caine reacts harshly. Pulls Grandma aside to tell her he can’t do it due to his beliefs. Grandma says she knows of no better family man and Christian to take on the boy. She implores him. He relents…
8. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: Daughter, EMMY, reveals she’s pregnant by boyfriend. Caine says then they’ll get married. He and her mom did that and it all turned out like God intended. She reveals he’s black. Enraged, Caine throws his daughter out of the house. Lizzie pleads with him about their family sticking together no matter what. He rages about what blacks did to his family! His sister!
9. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Caine explains to the boy that being mixed means he’s tainted. God doesn’t want us to mix. Says the boy will have to fight harder to be a good person and even then, it’s a toss-up. Elijah says he’s willing to work harder. He doesn’t want to be like his father. Caine can relate. He doesn’t want to be like his father either. Tells the boy to wash out some paintbrushes while he continues to paint and think…
FLASHBACK of his father beating his mom behind closed doors while young Caine and his sister play inside an open suitcase with clothes strewn around.
10. INT. CAINE BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lizzie spurns Caine’s advances. She’s tired. He’s tired of her refusing him. Shouts of “Nigger lover” come from outside.
11. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away. They’ve left behind a cross burning on Caine’s lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his daughter is a nigger lover. Fire trucks arrive. Fire Captain’s surprised that Caine’s house was targeted. There was a time when no one would fuck with him.
12. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – MORNING
OUTSIDE: Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door, wanting to see if her parents are okay.
INSIDE: Caine forbids Lizzie to let her in. This was her fault! Lizzie and Emmy touch palms through front window. Lizzie informs Caine she’s working a double and, since he’s tossed out their daughter, dinner is up to him. Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is on news. Wife comments on how the black nurses at the hospital all talk about him. Lizzie can see why. He’s charismatic. He’s making a difference. Caine take it as a dig.
13. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Caine works in silence with Elijah. Wind knocks over ladder, paints, ending the work day early. Elijah hugs him before running off…
14. EXT. BAR – DAY
Caine driving home. Stops at light next to BAR. FLASHBACK to seeing Dad telling him to wait outside bar as he goes in.
15. INT. BAR – DAY
Caine drinks a beer. More on Lincoln Able on TV. Bartender is about to change it but Caine, the only customer, says leave it on. Bartender complains: uppity black is going to get all the whites voted out of office. They’re going to lose their country but there’s nothing decent white folks can do about it. If they did, they’d get videoed, convicted by elites, sent to prison. Bartender poses a question to Caine: Would prison be worth it if you knew you by killing an evil, you’d made the world better? Caine orders another beer. LIGHTS in bar flicker. Mention of the odd climate stuff. Like electricity is in the air.
16. INT. CAINE’S HOUSE – EVENING
Wind howls like a screaming banshee. His wife gets ready for work. He pulls her to him suggestively. She pulls away and continues dressing. He smells of beer and paint and she needs to get to work.
17. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The light snaps on. Caine enters and cracks another beer from his mini-frig. He regards a picture of him hunting with his Grandpa. Another with his older sister. An errant spark of electricity and the TV turns on. Science based show on String Theory. The TV fuzzes and then Lincoln Able appears in a news loop as Caine goes through the channels. Next are all show blacks: a sit-com, commercial with a black and white couple, a show where a black and white couple make love… All of it reflects back in Caine’s stoic face.
18. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Elijah rides his bike. Lightening seems to rip the sky in half before strange colors slip through that rift akin to the aurora borealis. The tripping lights encompass the neighborhood. Frightened, Elijah rides to Caine’s house. Knocks on the door. He’s scared. Let him in! Drunk Caine answers and, citing bible passages that he wildly misinterprets, rages at Elijah for coming to his home! Says he’ll kill him if he ever comes to his house again. Elijah runs off.
19. INT. CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT
Caine sits on the couch with his rifle. The TV still blasts images of blacks across his face. The last is Lincoln Able. Caine points his rifle at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
Sky ripples with ribboning colors…
2. INT. ANOTHER BASEMENT – MORNING
We see the back of a man we assume is Caine sleeping on the couch. But when the man stirs and sits up, we see he’s actually black leader Lincoln Able. He’s disoriented. An intense dream lingers. His attention is pulled to a spider crawling across his arm. He sets it free through a low basement window.
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
His wife, NUBIA, a nurse, hands him coffee. Apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing and turning kept her up. She’s working a double shift today. He had a crazy dream telling him that he needed to kill the Grand Dragon of their local Klan. She laughs. Yeah, right. Remember, he’s the type who carries bugs outside. She leaves. He’s still distracted over the dream.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his group of white and black volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. It’s clear they hang on his every word. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past. A “Fuck you” is shouted out. Lincoln sends his group out with positive words of encouragement.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to a couple about the issues and voting. The man’s son appears. He fought in Afghanistan. Full of bitterness. Says voting won’t do nothing. Nothing changes. Leaves. Man asks if Lincoln has kids. Lincoln says unfortunately no, not yet. Man apologizes for his son. No need. Lincoln acknowledges that the black man carries a chip on their shoulder. But you can’t let hate win you over. If you do, you’re as good as dead.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln bids the couple good-bye and continues walking the neighborhood. A car follows him. Lincoln turns to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. He turns the corner and the car is following him again. It gets close and almost side swipes him but then is gone again. Going crazy? A text from his wife pulls his attention. To the hospital ASAP!
7. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Lizzie takes Emmy’s blood pressure. It’s high. Fear she’ll lose the baby — but her dad would like that. Lizzie tells her not to worry. He’ll come around. He’s a good man at heart.
8. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln, frantic, looks for his wife. The nurse station shimmers. Lizzie grabs him, pulls him into a private room. But it’s not Lizzie, it’s Nubia. Shows him her pregnancy test. They embrace, cry, never thought it would happen. Nubia senses something’s wrong with Lincoln. If they’re finally having a baby, he better stay healthy! Lincoln admits he’s seeing things…
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Lincoln gets a scan.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Lizzie’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. INT. CAINE’S CAR – NIGHT
Cell phone on seat says missed call just as Caine opens the door from the outside and tosses in a box of ammo. Drives off.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nubia has scan results. Nothing wrong with him. Suggests he’s pushing himself too hard. Now with their baby coming, perhaps he can go back to teaching. Lincoln laughs – as if teaching is any easier these days?
13. EXT. CAINE’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Caine pulls up in his car. Sits and loads his rifle when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, gets out. She hugs him in thanks. Caine’s face contorts in anger.
14. INT. CAINE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She enters. Caine grabs her, demands to know what was she doing with a black man? In an Iago-esque madness, he accuses her of rejecting him because she’s been sleeping with him. Lizzie explains the man is a co-worker who offered her a ride home because she asked him! He calls her a liar. She explains she called him first but he was probably too busy at a Klan meeting or reading his damn bible to answer. Lizzie accuses him of living in a hate fantasy of his own making. He brings up what happened to his sister! Raped by black monsters! She counters – his sister was a drug-addict prostitute! It’s time he stopped pretending she was a saint! Calling her a whore, he hits her again and again until she’s still…
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs. The sky ripples.
15. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off… Bathed in ribbons of light, the neighborhood shifts – looks different.
16. EXT. CAINE’S STREET – NIGHT
Disoriented, Lincoln recognizes the car that tried to run him down parked in the driveway of Caine’s home. Lincoln gets out of his car and spies Caine burying something in the backyard. Caine spots him. Grabs his rifle. Lincoln runs. Dives into his car and pulls away as Caine fires at him. As Lincoln speeds away, the neighborhood shifts again. He finds his home, pulls in, parks.
17. INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
His TV sparks on. White Supremacists on the news…
18. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – MORNING
Lincoln checks his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it.
19. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln is speaker. He’s struggles as his speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts. Some are disappointed in him but others jeer/cheer him on.
Elijah is there with his grandma. He looks around the crowd when he spots Caine pull out a gun…
Elijah yells out a warning!
Caine fires. Misses. Crowd scatters. Lincoln is being rushed off stage when he spots Caine running away. He pulls away from his handlers and chases after Caine. He thinks he has him cornered but… it’s as if he’s disappeared into thin air.
20. INT./EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. Unusual as she should be at the hospital working. She says she wasn’t feeling well and wants to be extra careful about the pregnancy. Lincoln sees Caine hurrying toward the house with a rifle? He freaks, pulls his wife into hiding. Nothing happens. She points out there was no man with a rifle.
He pulls her outside to see bullet holes in car. He lets loose, rages about driving while black. Walking while black. Jogging while black. When she tries to calm him, he pushes her away hard and she topples to the ground. Pulls her to her feet, begs her forgiveness. Blood runs down her leg…
Weather roils.
21. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – DAY
Caine, carrying his rifle, hurries inside. His daughter comes to the house. She lost the baby! Wants her mom. Caine says losing the baby is no matter, she’s tainted now and forever. Sends her away. Caine watches as Emmy, crying, gets back in car with boyfriend and drives off…
22. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
He’s asleep on the couch when his phone rings. It’s his sister needing money. Hard to ask but times are hard. Caine blames himself for her misery. Talks about her rape by black men, how he should have saved her but he’s making up for it now. She says to let it go. It was a long time ago. She was a drunk then just like their lousy parents. She’s sober now and tells the truth no matter how hard it is. Black men didn’t rape her. She was drunk and took them all on as a fuck you to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Caine idolized him but she hated him. Caine goes nuts. She’s a liar. His wife, daughter, and now his sister – all have betrayed him. They’ve all been tainted by the black man.
23. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Caine drives with around with his rifle, looking for someone black to kill.
24. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. Both are stoic. He tries to speak to her but she puts her hand up for him to stop. He sees Caine’s car pass by. Lincoln stops and orders his wife out of the car. Shaken, she gets out. He speeds off.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Caine is about to shoot a random black man when his car is rammed. It’s Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Get out and pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. Sudden quakes cause near collapse of building.
3. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when the neighborhood ripples and shifts until she no longer recognizes it. A car suddenly appears out of nowhere and can’t stop before it runs her down.
4. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s ripping apart.
5. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other intensifies. Shadows and shapes pulsing in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves to get out.
6. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Caine drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water and doesn’t understand.
7. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s not him but Caine. The two men are directly in front of the other. Their two heads could touch. In their dying moments, they look up at each other a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
8. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
9. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines on a newly formed reality – literally. Caine’s daughter and husband stroll with their baby past black and white townspeople who warmly greet them. Grandma comes to comment warmly on Emmy’s baby mixed race baby. What’s his name? Emmy says her baby’s name: Elijah.
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Dev Ross – PASS#6 – Subplots
What I learned from doing this assignment: allowing subplots to play out most definitely deepened and, in some places, reshaped and sharpened my main story.
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
A REPORTER speaks against the b.g. of harsh winds due to climate events while reporting the rise of extremism as Grand Dragon CAINE JAMESTON speaks at a White Supremacists Conference. Crowd boos him. He’s a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He’s left hurt and confused.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Caine’s wife, LIZZIE, saw it all on local news. Maybe it’s a sign: time to leave the hate business to others. Focus on their family. He reminds her that he does it ‘for family and for all white Christian families to save their country.’ She’s got to go – hurry to work night shift at hospital. Their daughter hurries off to meet boyfriend. Caine asks when she’s going to bring him around to meet them. She avoids, leaves. He eats dinner alone. Checks news. More on odd weather. Ignores it as fear-mongering. Watches coverage on WS rally. A new, younger speaker, ADAM SPENCER, from The Sons of Patriots gets rousing response: “Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us!”
2. INT. CAINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Caine tosses and turns, grabs his nightstand Bible, gets up.
3. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Surrounded by KKK memorabilia, he reads his bible. His grandfather’s Klan robe is on display.
FLASHBACK to Klan rally. He’s a five-year-old dressed in his own robe, watching his Grandpa set up a cross to burn.
OUT OF FLASHBACK
Sleeps on the couch. He’s wearing his grandpa’s robe.
4. EXT. HOME – DAY
Caine works as house painter. Elderly woman from his church asks him to apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s come to live with her. The boy needs a male mentor. Caine’s obliging. Quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” His grandpa taught him the trade and he’d always wanted a son to pass it on to. Grandma says she’ll bring boy around tomorrow.
5. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: Daughter, EMMY, reveals she she’s pregnant by boyfriend. Caine says then they’ll get married. She reveals he’s black. Enraged, Caine throws his daughter out of the house. Lizzie pleads with him but he reminds her what blacks did to his sister.
6. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Caine paints. Grandmother brings her grandson around. He’s half black. Grandma leaves before her grandson Elijah is noticed. Caine reacts harshly upon seeing him. Explains to the boy that being mixed means you’re tainted. God doesn’t want us to mix. Says the boy will have to fight harder to be a good person. Elijah says he’s willing to work harder. He doesn’t want to be like his father. Caine can relate. He doesn’t want to be like his father either.
7. EXT./INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Inclement weather outside. Klan meeting inside. A handful show up. A rag-tag group of young and old men with chips on their shoulders and trauma in their pasts. Caine says members will return once they tire of the radical tactics of emerging supremacist groups. Reminds attendees the Klan used to have respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians in their ranks. They can regain that respectability again and, thus, regain control of the country. They are gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
8. INT. CAINE BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lizzie spurns Caine’s advances. She’s tired. He’s tired of her refusing him. Shouts of “Nigger lover” come from outside.
9. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away. They’ve left behind a cross burning on Caine’s lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his daughter is a nigger lover. Fire trucks arrive. Fire Captain’s surprised that Caine’s house was targeted. There was a time when no one would fuck with him.
10. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – MORNING
OUTSIDE: Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door, wanting to see if her parents are okay.
INSIDE: Caine forbids Lizzie to let her in. Lizzie and Emmy touch palms through front window. Lizzie informs Caine she’s working a double and, since he’s tossed out their daughter, dinner is up to him. Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is on news. Wife comments on how the black nurses at the hospital all talk about him. Lizzie can see why. He’s charismatic. Caine take it as a dig.
11. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Elijah’s offers again to help Caine. Caine reluctantly agrees. Its obvious boy needs a father figure. Caine’s heart softens. Wind knocks over ladder, paints, ending the work day.
12. EXT./INT. BAR – DAY
Caine stands outside the door. FLASHBACK to seeing Dad telling him to wait outside bar as he goes in.
Caine ENTERS, orders a coke. More on Lincoln Able on TV. Bartender complains: uppity black is going to get all the whites voted out of office. They’re going to lose their country but there’s nothing decent white folks can do about it. If they did, they’d get videoed, convicted by elites, sent to prison. Bartender poses a question to Caine: Would prison be worth it if you knew you by killing an evil, you’d made the world better? Caine orders a drink.
13. INT. CAINE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Wind howls like a screaming banshee. Drunk Caine stumbles into his empty house. Regards a picture of him hunting with his Grandpa. Another with his older sister. He was just a helpless kid then. An errant spark of electricity and the TV turns on. Science based show on String Theory. The TV fuzzes and then Lincoln Able is in a news loop. He goes through the channels. All show blacks: MLK speaking, a sit-com, commercials with a black and white couple, a show where a black and white couple make love. Caine goes to his gun case, pulls out a rifle.
14. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Elijah rides his bike. Stops at Caine’s house. Lightening seems to rip the sky in half. Strange colors slip through akin to the aurora borealis. The tripping lights encompass the neighborhood. Frightened, Elijah rides away.
15. INT. CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Caine sleeps on the couch while curled up with his rifle. The TV is still on and blasting images of blacks across his face.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
Sky ripples with ribboning colors…
2. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
The man who went to sleep as Caine now wakes up as the black man Lincoln Able. He’s disoriented. An intense dream fades from consciousness. He’s in his basement surrounded by black empowerment items. He shakes off his bad night’s sleep.
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
His wife, NUBIA, a nurse, hands him coffee. Apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing and turning and talking in his sleep kept her up. He woke up with a crazy thought… that he should murder the Grand Dragon. She laughs. Yeah, her peaceful warrior murdering somebody when he won’t even kill a spider? She’ll believe it when she sees it, but he can’t shake it.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his group of white and black volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. He’s got charisma. He can talk the talk and walk the walk. He sends them off to canvas with a warm smile and words of encouragement. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past. “Fuck yous” are shouted.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to an old couple about the issues and voting. The older black man holds a lot of bitterness. Little murders of his soul perpetrated by the white man. Lincoln acknowledges that the black man carries a chip on their shoulder. But you can’t let hate win you over. If you do, you’re as good as dead.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln continues canvassing. A car follows him. Lincoln turns around to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. He turns the corner and the car is following him again. It gets close, too close. He runs. Car almost hits him but then is gone again. Lincoln wonders if he’s going crazy. Then – the driver appears again. His car window opens and a rifle sticks out. But then it’s all gone again.
7. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Lizzie takes Emmy’s blood pressure. It’s high. She’s afraid she’s going to lose the baby. Emmy says her dad would like that. Lizzie tells her not to worry. Dad will come around. He’s a good man at heart.
INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln looks for his wife. The nurse station shimmers. Lizzie passes him. It shimmers again and it’s Nubia. He says he’s losing it.
8. INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Lincoln gets a scan. Nothing wrong with him. Nubia suggests he’s pushing himself too hard. He’s got to stop. He can go back to teaching. Lincoln scoffs at that. Does she even realize what teaching has become?
9. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Lizzie’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
10. INT. CAINE’S CAR – NIGHT
He left his cell phone on the seat next to a box of ammo.
11. INT. GUN SHOP – NIGHT
Lincoln buys a gun.
12. INT. CAINE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Caine, studying the bible, sees his wife being dropped off. A black man is driving. She is effusive in her grateful thanks and good-bye.
13. INT./EXT. CAINE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She enters. He slaps her. What was she doing with a black man? In an Iago-esque madness, he accuses her of rejecting him because she’s sleeping with the guy who dropped her off. Accuses her of wanting to sleep with Lincoln too. He rages on about his sister getting raped by black monsters?! Lizzie says the man was a co-worker who offered her a ride home because she asked him! Because she called her husband who was probably too busy at a Klan meeting to answer. When he calls her a liar, Lizzie accuses him of living in a hate fantasy of his own making. He brings up what happened to his sister! She counters – his sister was a drug-addict prostitute! It’s time he stopped pretending she was a saint! Calling her a whore, he hits her again and again until she’s still…
Emmy bangs on door outside. Wants to see her mom. She’s bleeding down her legs. The world quakes around her. Terrified, she dials 911.
14. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Lincoln is drives home when the ground quakes and the neighborhood shifts – looks different.
15. EXT. CAINE’S STREET – NIGHT
Disoriented, Lincoln drives on, sees the car that tried to run him down. It’s got the same dents. He gets out of his car. He spies Caine burying something in the backyard. Caine spots him. Grabs his rifle. Lincoln runs. Dives into his car and speeds away.
16. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – DAY
He heads out. Checks his car. The bullet holes are real.
17. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln is speaker. He’s struggling to speak. Not the peaceful warrior anymore, his speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts. Some boo, others cheer him on.
Elijah is there with his grandma.
Caine sets Lincoln in his sights. Caine fires. Misses. Crowd scatters. Lincoln is being rushed off stage when he spots Caine in the crowd and gives chase. He thinks he has him cornered but… it’s as if he’s disappeared into thin air.
18. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. Unusual as she should be at the hospital working. She says she wasn’t feeling well. Lincoln sees someone hurrying toward the house with a rifle? He freaks, throws his wife to the ground for safety. Nothing happens. Nubia points out there is no man with a rifle. Worries for Lincoln. He’s paranoid, angry, defensive. He rages about driving while black. Walking while black. Jogging while black. When she tries to calm him, he slaps her. He’s never touched her. What’s happening to him…
19. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY – CONTINUOUS
… weather roils and quakes.
20. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – DAY
Caine, carrying his rifle, hurries inside. His daughter comes to the house. She lost the baby! Wants to come home. Caine says she’s tainted now. Sends her away.
21. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
He calls his sister. It’s late and she was asleep. He talks about her rape by black men, how he should have saved her but he’s making up for it now. She says to let it go. It was a long time ago. She was a drunk, just like their lousy parents. She’s sober now and tells the truth no matter how hard it is. Black men didn’t rape her. She was drunk and took them all on as a fuck you to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Caine idolized him but she hated him. Caine goes nuts. She’s a liar. His wife, daughter, and now his sister – all have betrayed him. They’ve all been tainted by the black man.
EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Caine drives around looking for someone black to kill. Aims his rifle at someone when…
He’s rammed by another car. It’s Lincoln. The chase is on.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as ground shakes. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Get out and pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. More quakes cause near collapse of building.
3. INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
Nubia is calling around asking friends if they’ve seen her husband. The weather outside is crazy. She finds receipt for the gun.
4. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – NIGHT
Nubia gets into her car, determined to find her husband. Drives off into the neighborhood. But as she drives, the neighborhood shifts until she no longer recognizes it…
5. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It appears to be ripping apart.
6. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other intensifies. Shadows and shapes pulsing in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves to get out.
7. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Caine drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water and doesn’t understand.
8. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s not him but Caine. The two men are directly in front of the other. Their two heads could touch. In their dying moments, they look up at each other a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
9. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
10. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Literally, the sun shines on a newly formed reality. Caine’s daughter and husband stroll with their baby past black and white townspeople who warmly greet them. Grandma comes to comment warmly on Emmy’s baby mixed race baby. What’s his name? Emmy says her baby’s name is Elijah.
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Dev Ross – Pass #5 Action/Reaction
What I learned in doing this assignment was the nuance I found. As my protagonist experiences obstacles and reacts to those obstacles, I more clearly see his emotional life emanate from his rationalizations and stubborn adherence to his false narrative. It helped me more understand his backstory of trauma. Also, as my first act gets stronger in its set-up, I now need to let its repercussions unfold far more in the second act. I have a ways to go on that…
1. Tell us your concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
Protagonist Goal: To regain his power and respect.
Protagonist Character Arc: Passion to humiliation. Loss to anger. Anger to revenge. Revenge to realization.
Main Conflict: Gain his goal or lose his family.
Action: Caine speaks
Reaction: Caine’s rejected
Action: Caine complains to wife
Reaction: She tells him time to give up
Action: Caine rejects Elijah
Reaction: Elijah persists
Action: Caine cleans his rifle to kill
Reaction: Wakes up as his opposite
Action: Cain shoots at Lincoln
Reaction: Lincoln escapes
Action: Cain runs down a black man
Reaction: Lincoln chases after him
Emotional List:
Hurt over being mocked by White Supremacists
Hurt over wife’s feelings about Lincoln
Outraged by his daughter
Mocked by his peers at cross burning
Torn over his feelings for Elijah
Jealous over Lincoln’s rising fame
Righteous hatred as he pursues Lincoln
Fear as Lincoln pursues him
Realization when he realizes they are each other
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
A REPORTER speaks against the b.g. of harsh winds due to climate events while reporting the rise of extremism as Grand Dragon CAINE JAMESTON speaks at a White Supremacists Conference. Crowd boos him. He’s a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He’s left hurt and confused.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Caine’s wife, LIZZIE, saw it all on local news. Maybe it’s a sign: time to leave the hate business to others. Focus on their family. He reminds her that he does it ‘for family and for all white Christian families to save their country.’ She’s got to go – hurry to work night shift at hospital. Their daughter is off with boyfriend they’ve yet to meet. He eats dinner alone. Checks news. More on odd weather. Ignores it as fear-mongering. Watches coverage on WS rally. A new, younger speaker, ADAM SPENCER, from The Sons of Patriots gets rousing response: “Jews will not subvert us! Blacks will not pervert us!”
1. INT. CAINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Caine tosses and turns, grabs his nightstand Bible, gets up.
2. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Surrounded by KKK memorabilia, he reads his bible. His grandfather’s Klan robe is on display. Swears to his grandpa he’ll stay true. Puts on robe. Sleeps on the couch.
3. EXT. HOME – DAY
Caine works as house painter. Elderly woman from his church asks him to apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s come to live with her. The boy needs a male mentor. Caine’s obliging. Quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” His grandpa taught him the trade and he’d always wanted a son to pass it on to. The boy, Elijah, is half black. Caine’s taken aback.
4. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: Caine dumps on his wife and daughter about the Grandmother’s intrusion. Daughter, EMMY, defiantly protests his prejudice, reveals she’s pregnant by black boyfriend. Enraged, Caine throws Emmy out of the house. Lizzie pleads with him but he reminds her what blacks did to his sister.
5. EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Elijah watches Caine paint, asks if he hates him because he’s half black. Caine explains being mixed means you’re tainted. God doesn’t want us to mix. Says the boy will have to fight harder to be a good person. Despite this and himself, Caine can’t help but like the boy.
6. EXT./INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Inclement weather outside. Klan meeting inside. A handful show up. A rag-tag handful of young and old men with chips on their shoulders and trauma in their pasts. Caine says members will return once they tire of the radical tactics of emerging supremacist groups. Reminds attendees the Klan used to have respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians in their ranks. They can regain that respectability again and, thus, regain control of the country. They are gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
7. INT. CAINE BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lizzie spurns Caine’s advances. She’s tired. He’s tired of her refusing him. Shouts of “Nigger lover” come from outside.
8. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away. They’ve left behind a cross burning on Caine’s lawn and a warning about his daughter. Fire trucks arrive. Fire Captain’s surprised that Caine’s house was targeted. There was a time when no one would fuck with him. Caine makes a decision.
9. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – MORNING
OUTSIDE: Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. INSIDE: Lizzie informs Caine she’s working a double and, since he’s tossed out their daughter, dinner is up to him. Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE is on news. Wife comments on how the black nurses at the hospital all talk about him. Lizzie can see why. He’s charismatic.
10. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Elijah’s offers again to help Caine. Instead of admiring the boy for his work ethic, Caine angrily says that’s the dumb black part of him talking. Doesn’t know when he’s not welcome. Winds knock over ladder, paints, ending his work day.
11. INT. BAR – DAY
Caine day drinks. More on Lincoln Able on TV. Bartender complains: uppity black is going to get all the whites voted out of office. They’re going to lose their country but there’s nothing decent white folks can do about it. If they did, they’d get videoed, convicted by elites, sent to prison. Bartender poses a question to Caine: Would prison be worth it if you knew you by killing an evil, you’d made the world better?
12. EXT. BAR – EVENING
It hails ice the size of golf balls as Caine leaves.
13. INT. CAINE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Wind howls like a screaming banshee. Drunk Caine stumbles into his empty house. Regards a picture of his sister and him hunting with Grandpa. He was just a kid then but not now. Now he’s going to finally avenge her; do what must to be done. An errant spark of electricity and the TV turns on. Science based show on String Theory. The TV fuzzes and then Lincoln Able is in a news loop. Caine starts cleaning his rifle.
14. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Lightening seems to rip the sky in half. Strange colors slip through akin to the aurora borealis. The tripping lights encompass the neighborhood.
15. INT. CAINE’S BASEMENT – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Caine sleeps on the couch.
ACT TWO:
1. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
The man who went to sleep as Caine now wakes up as the black man Lincoln Able. He’s disoriented. An intense dream fades from consciousness. He’s in his basement surrounded by black empowerment items. He shakes off his bad night’s sleep.
2. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
NUBIA, a nurse, hands him coffee. Apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing and turning and talking in his sleep kept her up. He woke up with a crazy thought… that he should murder the Grand Dragon. She laughs. Yeah, her peaceful warrior murdering somebody? She’ll believe it when she sees it – but maybe not even then! After she leaves, we see he can’t shake it.
3. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his group of white and black volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. He’s got charisma. He can talk the talk and walk the walk.
4. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to an old couple about the issues and voting. The discussion devolves into him revealing his own past pains caused by whites. Little murders of the soul. He’s getting bitter. Stops himself. Old man says the black man carries a chip on their shoulder for the way the white man has treated them. It is what it is and isn’t going away any time soon. But you can’t let hate win you over. If you do, you’re dead.
5. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln continues canvassing. A car follows him. Lincoln turns around to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. He turns the corner and the car is following him again. He runs. Car comes close but then is gone again. Lincoln wonders if he’s going crazy. Then – the driver appears again. His car window opens and a rifle sticks out. It fires. Barely missing Lincoln. But then the car is gone again.
6. INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Lincoln looks for his wife. The nurse station shimmers. Lizzie is at front desk. It shimmers again and it’s Nubia. He tells her that he thinks he’s losing it.
7. INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
He’s getting a scan. Nothing wrong with him. Nubia says he’s under too much pressure. He’s got to stop.
8. EXT. CAINE’S NEIGHBORHOOD – EVENING
Caine sees his wife being dropped off. A black man is driving. She waves good-bye. He stews.
9. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Lizzie calls Caine for dinner. He doesn’t answer. She finds him immersed in the Bible. They argue over him/her/family. He insists what he does, he does for them! She loves him but hates what he’s becoming. In an Iago-esque madness, he says he saw her with that black man, accuses her of rejecting him because she’s sleeping with him. Accuses her of wanting to sleep with Lincoln too. She tries to tell him that she was just getting a lift home from work. Caine rages on about his sister getting raped by black monsters?! Lizzie says his sister was a drug-addict prostitute! It’s time he stopped pretending she was a saint! Calling her a whore, he hits her until she’s still…
10. EXT. HOSPITAL/INT. CAR – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves hospital’s and is driving home when, suddenly, the ground quakes and the neighborhood looks different.
11. EXT. CAINE’S STREET – NIGHT
Disoriented, Lincoln drives on, sees the car that tried to run him down. It’s got the same dents. He gets out of his car with a gun. He spies Caine burying something in the backyard. He aims his gun at him. His hand shakes. He shoots and misses. Caine dives for his rifle. Fires back. Lincoln runs. Dives into his car and speeds away.
12. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – DAY
He heads out. Checks his car. The bullet holes are real.
13. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln is speaker. He’s struggling to speak. Not the peaceful warrior anymore, his speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts. Some boo, others cheer him on.
Caine sets him in his sights. Sees the boy Elijah with his Grandma and it gives him pause. They’re up front. Caine fires. Misses. Hits Grandma! Crowd scatters. Lincoln is being rushed off stage when he spots Caine and gives chase. He thinks he has him cornered but… it’s as if he’s disappeared into thin air.
14. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. Unusual as she should be at the hospital working. She says she wasn’t feeling well. Lincoln sees someone hurrying toward the house with a rifle? He freaks, throws his wife to the ground for safety. Nothing happens. Nubia points out there is no man with a rifle. Worries for Lincoln. He’s paranoid, angry, defensive. He rages about driving while black. Walking while black. Jogging while black. His latent hostility grows.
15. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY – CONTINUOUS
… weather roils and quakes.
16. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – DAY
Caine, carrying his rifle, hurries inside. His daughter comes to the house. She wants to see her mom. He sends her away.
17. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
He calls his sister. It’s late and she was asleep. He talks about her rape by black men, how he should have saved her but he’s making up for it now. She says to let it go. It was a long time ago. She was a drunk, just like their lousy parents. She’s sober now and tells the truth no matter how hard it is. Black men didn’t rape her. She was drunk and took them all on as a fuck you to their child molesting Klan-loving Grandpa. Caine idolized him but she hated him. She kept it from Caine because he was just a little boy who adored his grandpa. Caine goes nuts. She’s a fucking liar. His wife, daughter and now his sister – all have betrayed him with their deceptions and lies.
EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Caine drives around looking for someone black to kill. Runs over an innocent black man. A crowd forms.
As Caine tries to speed away, he’s hit by another car. It’s Lincoln. The chase is on.
ACT THREE
(Add police after them both)
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as quakes hit. The world’s fabric seems to be rending…
Both crash their cars. Get out and pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT. CAINE’S BACKYARD – NIGHT
Police arrive to investigate shots. Find the body he was burying. They search the house and then for him…
3. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cats and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. More quakes cause near collapse of building.
4. INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
Nubia is calling around asking friends if they’ve seen her husband. The weather outside is crazy. If he’s out in it, he could get hurt or hurt somebody…
(Maybe she calls the police…)
5. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It appears to be ripping apart.
6. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other intensifies. Shadows and shapes pulsing in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves to get out.
7. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Caine drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water and doesn’t understand.
8. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s not him but Caine. The two men are directly in front of the other. Their two heads could touch. In their dying moments, they look up at each other a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
9. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
10. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Literally, the sun shines on a newly formed reality. Caine’s daughter and husband stroll with their baby past black and white townspeople who warmly greet them. Grandma comes to comment warmly on Emmy’s baby mixed race baby…
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Dev Ross – NQ 3 and 4
What I learned doing this assignment was that I had to take a closer look at my characters and more clearly define their emotional arcs.
1. Tell us your concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
2. Tell us your Emotional Dilemma: Can’t stop because his life is in danger, but if he continues, loss of family.
A. How does the Emotional Dilemma first show up? When cross is burned on his lawn.
B. How are both sides of the issue built up? When he awakes as his alternate self in another universe.
C. When does the protagonist make the choice? He discovers he’s lost his previous power and status.
D. What do they lose in making that choice? Loss of family and then end of life.
3. Tell us your Theme and the answers to these questions: Ultimate hate ultimately destroys.
A. What are both sides of your theme? Hate no matter why kills us all – verses strong personal beliefs as to what is right and good.
B. How will both sides show up throughout your story? In their acts of trying to destroy each other, verses their families reflections back at them as to how they are destroying themselves.
C. How does the climax of the story demand your message? Hate ultimately destroys one world but begats another. Two negatives equal a positive.
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
A REPORTER speaks against the b.g. of harsh winds blamed on climate events while reporting the rise of extremism as Grand Dragon CAINE JAMESTON steps up and speaks at a White Supremacists Conference. Crowd boos him. He’s a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He’s left hurt and confused.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Caine’s wife, LIZZIE, saw it all on the news. Maybe it’s a sign; time to leave the hate business to others. Focus on their family. He reminds her that he does it ‘for family and for all white Christian families to save their country.’ She’s got to go – hurry to work night shift at hospital. Their daughter is off with boyfriend they’ve yet to meet. He eats dinner alone. Checks news. More on odd weather. Ignores it as fear-mongering. Watches coverage on WS rally. A new, younger speaker, ADAM SPENCER, from The Sons of Patriots gets rousing response: “Jews will not subvert! Muslims will not convert! Blacks will not assert!”
3. INT. CAINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Caine tosses and turns, grabs his nightstand Bible, gets up and leaves bedroom.
4. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Surrounded by KKK memorabilia, he reads his bible. His grandfather’s Klan robe is on display. He puts it on and stares at himself in the mirror. Swears to his grandpa he’ll stay true. He sleeps in the robe on the couch.
5. EXT. HOME – DAY
Caine works painting a house. Elderly woman from his church asks him to apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s come to live with her. The boy needs a male mentor. Caine’s obliging. Quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” His grandpa taught him the trade and he’d always wanted a son to pass it on to. The boy, Elijah, is half black. Caine’s taken aback. Meets the grandmother’s eyes. She’s pleading. Caine swallows his anger and nods.
6. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: Caine dumps on his wife and daughter about his half-monkey boy apprentice. Daughter, EMMY, defiantly says she’s pregnant by black boyfriend. Enraged, Caine throws Emmy out of the house. Lizzie pleads with him but he reminds her what blacks did to his sister.
7. EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Caine takes his anger out on apprentice Elijah. Elijah asks if he hates him because he’s half black. Caine explains being mixed means you’re tainted. God doesn’t want us to mix. Says the boy will have to fight harder to be a good person. Despite this and himself, Caine can’t help but like the boy…
8. EXT./INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Strong winds outside. Klan meeting inside. A handful show up. A rag-tag group of young and old men with chips on their shoulders and trauma in their pasts. Caine says members will return once they tire of the radical tactics of emerging supremacist groups. Reminds attendees the Klan used to have respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians in their ranks. They can regain that respectability again and, thus, regain control of the country. They are gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
9. INT. CAINE BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lizzie spurns Caine’s advances. She’s tired. He’s tired of her refusing him. Fire alarm goes off.
10. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Shouts of “Nigger lover” as trucks screech away. They’ve left behind a cross burning on Caine’s lawn and a warning about his daughter. Fire trucks arrive. Fire Captain’s surprised that Caine’s house was targeted. There was a time when no one would fuck with him. Caine makes a decision.
11. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – MORNING
OUTSIDE: Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. INSIDE: Lizzie informs Caine she’s working a double and, since he’s tossed out their daughter, he can fend for himself as to dinner. They catch Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE on news. Wife comments on how the black nurses at the hospital all talk about him. Lizzie can see why. He’s so charismatic.
12. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Weather is too harsh to work. Elijah, hoping to please Caine, says he can endure it to get the job done. Instead of admiring the boy for his work ethic, Caine angrily says that’s the dumb black part of him talking. Go home and take care of his grandma.
13. INT. BAR – DAY
Caine day drinks. More on Lincoln Able on TV. Bartender complains: uppity black is going to get all the whites voted out of office. They’re going to lose their country but there’s nothing decent white folks can do about it. If they did, they’d get videoed, convicted by elites, and then get life in prison. Bartender poses a question to Caine: Would prison be worth it if you knew you by killing an evil, you’d made the world better?
14. EXT. BAR – EVENING
It hails ice the size of golf balls as Caine leaves.
15. INT. CAINE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Wind howls like a banshee. Drunk Caine stumbles into his house. Calls for his wife and daughter. House is empty. There’s a picture of him and his sister hunting with Grandpa. He was just a kid then but not now. Now he’s going to finally avenge her. He’s going to do what must to be done to set things right. He turns on the news. Lincoln Able is in a news loop. Caine watches and then pulls out his rifle.
16. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Lightening seems to rip the sky in half. Strange colors slip through akin to the aurora borealis. The tripping lights encompass his neighborhood.
ACT TWO:
1. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
The man who went to sleep as Caine now wakes up as the black man Lincoln Able. He’s disoriented. An intense dream fades from consciousness. He’s in his basement surrounded by black empowerment items. He shakes off his bad night’s sleep.
2. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
NUBIA, a nurse, hands him coffee. Apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing and turning and talking in his sleep kept her up. He woke up with a crazy thought… that he should murder the Grand Dragon. She laughs. Yeah, her peaceful warrior murdering somebody? She’ll believe it when she sees it – but maybe not even then! After she leaves, we see he can’t shake it.
3. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his group of white and black volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. He’s got charisma. He can talk the talk and walk the walk.
4. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to an old couple about the issues and voting. The discussion devolves into him revealing his own past pains caused by whites. Little murders of the soul. He stops himself. What’s happening to him? Old man says the black man carries a chip on their shoulders for the way the white man has treated them. It is what it is and isn’t going away any time soon. But you can’t let hate win you over. If you do, you’re dead.
5. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln continues canvassing. A car follows him. Lincoln turns around to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. He turns the corner and the car is following him again. He runs. Car comes close but then is gone again. Lincoln wonders if he’s going crazy. Then – the driver appears again. His car window opens and a rifle sticks out. It fires. Barely missing Lincoln. But then the car is gone again.
6. INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Lincoln looks for his wife. The nurse station shimmers. Lizzie is at front desk. It shimmers again and it’s Nubia. He tells her that he thinks he’s losing it.
7. INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
He’s getting a scan. Nothing wrong with him. Nubia says he’s under too much pressure. He’s got to stop.
8. EXT. CAINE’S NEIGHBORHOOD – EVENING
Caine sees his wife being dropped off. A black man is driving. She waves good-bye. He stews.
9. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Lizzie calls Caine for dinner. He doesn’t answer. She finds him immersed in the Bible. They argue over him/her/family. He insists what he does, he does for them! She loves him but hates what he’s becoming. In an Iago-esque madness, he says he saw her with that black man, accuses her of rejecting him because she’s sleeping with him. Accuses her of wanting to sleep with Lincoln too. She tries to tell him that she was just getting a lift home from work. Caine rages on about his sister getting raped by black monsters?! Lizzie says his sister was a drug-addict prostitute! It’s time he stopped pretending she was a saint! Calling her a whore, he hits her until she’s still…
10. EXT. HOSPITAL/INT. CAR – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves hospital’s and is driving home when, suddenly, the ground quakes and the neighborhood looks different.
11. EXT. CAINE’S STREET – NIGHT
Disoriented, Lincoln drives on, sees the car that tried to run him down. It’s got the same dents. He gets out of his car with a gun. He spies Caine burying something in the backyard. He aims his gun at him. His hand shakes. He shoots and misses. Caine dives for his rifle. Fires back. Lincoln runs. Dives into his car and speeds away.
12. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – DAY
He heads out. Checks his car. The bullet holes are real.
13. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln is speaker. He’s struggling to speak. Not the peaceful warrior anymore, his speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts. Some boo, others cheer him on.
Caine sets him in his sights. Sees the boy Elijah with his Grandma and it gives him pause. They’re up front. Caine fires. Misses. Hits Grandma! Crowd scatters. Lincoln is being rushed off stage when he spots Caine and gives chase. He thinks he has him cornered but… it’s as if he’s disappeared into thin air.
14. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. Unusual as she should be at the hospital working. She says she wasn’t feeling well. Lincoln sees someone hurrying toward the house with a rifle? He freaks, throws his wife to the ground for safety. Nothing happens. Nubia points out there is no man with a rifle. Worries for Lincoln. He’s paranoid, angry, defensive. He rages about driving while black. Walking while black. Jogging while black. His latent hostility grows.
15. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY – CONTINUOUS
… weather roils and quakes.
16. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – DAY
Caine, carrying his rifle, hurries inside. His daughter comes to the house. She wants to see her mom. He sends her away.
17. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
He calls his sister. It’s late and she was asleep. He talks about her rape by black men, how he should have saved her but he’s making up for it now. She says to let it go. It was a long time ago. She was an addict. Shit happens. She’s clean now. All is good. Caine is furious. Says she was never those things! Why is she lying to him?! She tells him he just hears what he wants.
EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Caine drives around looking for someone black to kill. Runs over an innocent black man. A crowd forms.
As Caine tries to speed away, he’s hit by another car. It’s Lincoln. The chase is on.
ACT THREE
(Add police after them both)
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as quakes hit. The world’s fabric seems to be rending…
Both crash their cars. Get out and pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT. CAINE’S BACKYARD – NIGHT
Police arrive to investigate shots. Find the body he was burying. They search the house and then for him…
3. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cats and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. More quakes cause near collapse of building.
4. INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
Nubia is calling around asking friends if they’ve seen her husband. The weather outside is crazy. If he’s out in it, he could get hurt or hurt somebody…
(Maybe she calls the police…)
5. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It appears to be ripping apart.
6. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other intensifies. Shadows and shapes pulsing in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves to get out.
7. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Caine drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water and doesn’t understand.
8. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s not him but Caine. The two men are directly in front of the other. Their two heads could touch. In their dying moments, they look up at each other a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
9. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
10. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Literally, the sun shines on a newly formed reality. Caine’s daughter and husband stroll with their baby past black and white townspeople who warmly greet them. Grandma comes to comment warmly on Emmy’s baby mixed race baby…
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Dev Ross 3rd Pass — NQ I and 2
What did I learn doing this assignment: MY SECOND ACT NEEDS A LOT OF WORK.
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
A REPORTER speaks against harsh winds blamed on climate events while reporting the rise of extremism as Grand Dragon CAINE JAMESTON steps up to speak at White Supremacists Conference. Crowd boos him. He’s a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. He is harassed offstage.
2. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Caine’s wife, LIZZIE, saw it all on the news. Maybe it’s a sign; time to leave the hate business to others. Focus on their family. He reminds her that he does it ‘for family!’ She’s got to go – hurry to work night shift at hospital. Their daughter is off on a date. He eats dinner alone. Checks news. More on odd weather. Ignores it as fear-mongering. Watches coverage on WS rally. A new, younger speaker, ADAM SPENCER, from The Sons of Patriots gets rousing response: “Jews will not subvert! Blacks will not assert!”
3. INT. CAINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Caine tosses and turns, gets up.
4. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
KKK memorabilia stuff everywhere. His grandfather’s Klan robe is on display. He puts them on and stares at himself in the mirror. He sleeps in the robe on the couch.
5. EXT. HOME – DAY
Caine works painting a house. Elderly woman from his church asks him to apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s come to live with her. The boy needs a male mentor. Caine’s obliging. Quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” His grandpa taught him the trade and he’d always wanted a son to pass it on to. The boy, Elijah, is half black. Caine’s taken aback. Meets the grandmother’s eyes. She’s pleading. Caine swallows his anger and nods.
6. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: At dinner, Caine dumps on his wife and daughter about his half-monkey boy apprentice. Daughter, EMMY, defiantly says she’s pregnant by black boyfriend. Despite Lizzie’s pleas, Caine physically throws Emmy out of his house. HIS HOUSE! Where is his respect?! Lizzie tries to sway him but he reminds her what a bunch of blacks did to his sister. Frustrated, she’s heard it from him a million times. Leaves for work.
7. EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Caine’s frustrated, take it out on apprentice Elijah. Elijah asks if he hates him because he’s half black. Caine quotes but misinterprets a bible passage. According to Caine’s interpretation, the Black man, according to God, is to be subservient to the white man. The only reason the black is no longer subservient is because of the Jew. Eliminate the Jew and the black will be compliant. Caine explains that being mixed means you’re tainted. God doesn’t want us to mix. Says the boy will have to fight harder to be a good person. Despite this and himself, Caine can’t help but like the boy…
8. EXT./INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Strong winds outside. Klan meeting inside. A handful show up. Most are joining with emerging groups like Adam Spencer’s Sons of Patriots. Caine says members will return once they tire of other group’s radical tactics. Reminds followers the Klan use to have respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians in their ranks. They can regain that respectability again.
9. INT. CAINE BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lizzie spurns Caine’s advances. She’s tired. He’s tired of her refusing him; says if she hadn’t gotten pregnant, he should have stayed in college and made something of himself. Fire alarm goes off.
10. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away, leaving behind a cross burning on his lawn and a warning about his daughter. Fire trucks arrive. Fire Captain expresses surprise that Caine’s house was targeted. There was a time when no one would fuck with him. Caine fumes…
11. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – MORNING
OUTSIDE: Ashes from burning cross in the infernal wind blow across the neighborhood. INSIDE: Lizzie informs Carine she’s working a double and, since he threw their daughter out, he can make his own dinner. Watches handsome Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE on news. Wife comments on how the black nurses at the hospital all talk about him. Caine thinks it’s because they think he’s good looking. Lizzie retorts that they’re talking about his charisma and the work he’s doing.
12. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Weather is too harsh to work. Elijah says he can endure it to get the job done. Instead of admiring the boy for his work ethic, Caine angrily says that’s the dumb black part of him talking. Go home and take care of his grandma.
13. INT. BAR – DAY
Caine day drinks. More on Lincoln Able on TV. Bartender complains uppity black is going to get all the whites voted out of office. They’re going to lose their country but there’s nothing decent white folks can do about it because of they did, someone would video them and then they’d get life in prison.
14. EXT. BAR – EVENING
It hails ice the size of golf balls as Caine leaves.
15. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Wind howls like a banshee outside. Caine regards all his collected KKK stuff and his grandfather’s robe. He picks up a picture of him and his sister, KATIE, posing in hunting photo with Grandpa. With renewed vigor, Caine promises to avenge her. He was just a kid then but not now. Gets his rifle out. Doesn’t care if he’s caught. Just like in his Grandpa’s days when they took out MLK… he’s going to assassinate Lincoln Able.
16. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Lightening seems to rip the sky in half. Strange colors slip through like the aurora borealis.
ACT TWO:
1. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
The sleeping man wakes. He gasps, sits up. We see he’s the black man Lincoln Able. He’s appeared to have had an intense dream that fades away from consciousness. He’s in his basement – only the KKK stuff is replaced by black empowerment stuff.
2. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
He grabs coffee and his wife, NUBIA, a nurse, prepares for work. He seems off to her. He says he woke up with an overwhelming desire to murder the Grand Dragon. She laughs. Yeah, her peaceful warrior murdering somebody? She’ll believe it when she sees it – but maybe not even then! After she leaves, we see he’s not joking. He can’t shake it.
3. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his group of white and black volunteers a pep talk before they all go door to door to get out the vote. Back in action doing what he believes, he shakes off his weird impulse.
4. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to an old couple about the issues and voting.
5. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
A car follows him. Lincoln feels something, turns around to look. No car. He turns the corner and the car is following him again. He runs. Caine chases after him in car when he suddenly loses him… What the–???
6. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Lizzie calls Caine for dinner. He doesn’t answer. She finds him immersed in the Bible. They argue over him/her/family. He insists what he does, he does for them! She becoming repulsed by him, by what he’s becoming. In an Iago-esque madness, he accuses her of rejecting him because she’s sleeping with black men, maybe even Lincoln? How could she when his sister was raped by black monsters?! She fights back. His sister was a drug-addict prostitute! It’s time he stopped pretending she was a saint! He hits her and continues to hit her until she’s still…
7. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln is speaker. Bad weather plagues.
Caine sets him in his sights. See’s the boy Elijah with his Grandma and it gives him pause. They’re up front. Caine is getting ready to leave the stage. Caine fires. Misses. Hits Grandma! Crowd scatters. Caine is spotted. Lincoln and others give chase. They think they have him cornered for sure but… it’s as if he’s disappeared into thin air.
8. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. Unusual as she should be at the hospital working. She says she wasn’t feeling well. Lincoln sees someone hurrying toward the house with a rifle? He freaks, knocks his wife to the ground for safety. Nothing happens. Nubia points out there is no man with a rifle. Worries for Lincoln as…
9. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY – CONTINUOUS
… weather roils and quakes.
10. EXT./INT. CAINE HOME – DAY
Caine, carrying his rifle, hurries inside. His daughter comes to the house. She wants to see her mom. He sends her away.
11. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
He calls his sister. It’s late and she was asleep. He talks about her rape by black men, how he should have saved her but he’s making up for it now. She says to let it go. It was a long time ago. She was an addict. Shit happens. She’s clean now. All is good. Caine is furious. Says she’s lying. Heads out.
12. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
He drives around looking for someone black to kill. Runs over an innocent black man out canvassing. A crowd forms.
Lincoln, driving, sees it. He rams Caine’s car but Caine escapes. Lincoln speeds after him.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as quakes hit.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. More quakes cause near collapse of building.
3. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It appears to be ripping apart.
4. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
Their search of each other intensifies. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves to get out.
5. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Caine drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleed out, he sees his reflection in the water and doesn’t understand.
6. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s not him but Caine. The two men are directly in front of the other. Their two heads could touch. At the moment they look up at each other a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
7. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
8. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Literally, the sun shines on a newly formed reality. Caine’s daughter and husband stroll with their baby past black and white townspeople who warmly greet them. Grandma comes to comment warmly on Emmy’s baby…
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Hi Matthew!
My two cents is that I agree that Ascension works clean and clear! I loved the Hunger Games, especially the books, and though this is not like them, it has the same kind of flawed hero we can get behind.
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Dev Ross – Story Web Logic 2
What I learned from this last pass was how much I need to weave in the environment which is telling its own story. So, I have a ticking clock going now… for now, at least.
LOGLINE: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
CONCEPT: Plagued by climate change with quakes hitting, skies roiling, and extremist groups on the rise, two contrary men, one black and one white, believe their salvation lies in the elimination of the other. What they don’t know is that both exist as their polar opposites in separate universes. Because of violent climate change, these two worlds are collapsing into one another. In the end, the two men are the final catalyst that destroys their worlds to birth a new one.
Lead Characters: Grand Dragon, Black Leader
Plot/Structure: #8 Rivalry
Character Structure: Protagonist verses Antagonist
Lead Characters: J.J. CAINE is a religious extremist Grand Dragon in the KKK who plots to murder a Black Leader. LINCOLN ABLE is a black activist, community leader who plots to murder the Grand Dragon.
Dramatic Question: Will Caine regain his lost power?
Main Conflict: Caine and Lincoln are continually thwarted from killing each other without any reasonable explanation.
Dilemma: Will the two men see the ultimate truth of their hatred/conflict before they destroy their families and each other?
Theme: Ultimate hate ultimately destroys all.
Character Arcs: Caine goes from complacent, to obsessive, to realization. Lincoln goes from open hearted activist, to secretive and obsessive, to realization.
OPENING: News reports over visuals about fierce weather events due to climate change and extremist groups on the rise…
At a White Supremacist gathering, Grand Dragon J.J. CAINE is booed off stage for being a SINO – a White Supremacist in Name Only. He’s become too PC and accepting in a world of Cancel Culture.
INCITING INCIDENT: His daughter, who hates that he’s in the KKK and fights with him over how the world is changing, tells him she’s pregnant and that she’s marrying her black boyfriend. Caine disowns her. He’s despondent. He’s lost followers and now his daughter.
By page 10: Establish climate worsening, Caine at work where he’s forced to take on a bi-racial apprentice, his wife becoming estranged due to her working all the time, his daughter moving out to marry a black man, and the news full of reports of an emerging black leader.
First Turning point, End Act 1: Caine is reading the Bible when White Supremacists burn on a cross on his lawn and then demand he step down as Grand Dragon. Now, wildly misinterpreting the Bible passage, Caine takes all that has happened to him as a sign from God: He must set things right, reorder the world as God had intended by assassinating LINCOLN ABLE, the emerging black community leader. He cleans his rifle and goes to bed…
ACT TWO: As the planet trembles and the skies roil, Caine wakes up as that Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE, who finds himself strangely, obsessively struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Following Caine’s multiple failed assassination attempts, Caine comes to the conclusion that someone he knows is betraying him and has been warning Lincoln.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: In an Iago-esque madness, Caine kills his wife for warning Lincoln because – he wrongly believes – they’ve been having an affair.
Crisis: Prior to this point, Lincoln has been being followed by the same car as he traverses black neighborhoods to sign up voters. He sees the car again and, this time, it tries to run him over. Lincoln is able to reach his car and give chase. CUT BACK and FORTH between the two drivers as ripples in reality cause the world around them to gradually change. It’s the same but not the same…
Climax: As the world seems determined to end itself soon, the two men do a cat and mouse chase in an abandoned cotton processing plant where they are each killed by their own ricocheting bullets. Before they die, each lies face down in a pool of inky water. Reflected back at each of them is the other. Caine sees Lincoln’s face, Lincoln sees Caine’s face — just before the building collapses on top of them. The turmoil settles and when the dust clears, all is black until…
Resolution: Literally a new dawn in a newly formed reality. Caine’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, who warmly greet them in a newly formed world.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by
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Thanks for your comments, Lisa! I’m hoping in my next pass to fill in all the ‘logic’ stuff on how this works! I can see how in 9 beats I really did NOT make that clear. I’m going to forego the ‘body switching’ idea for now as I’m pushing ahead with the idea of String Theory which promotes the idea of multi-universes existing side by side. My idea is to use extreme climate to tear at the fabric of one existing universe so that it bleeds into another. The result – at the end- is that both of the former universes were destroyed to birth the new one at the end. Make sense? Probably not but it’s a challenge that I’m taking on… for now.
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Thank you, June, for some really specific and thought-provoking comments! I’m afraid that in the limitations of one sentence for each of 9 beats, I neglected to clarify the mechanics of how I saw my story evolve. That said – though I REALLY like the idea of body switching, I feel compelled to go with my first instinct (just to try it out) which would be to tell my story through lens of the String Theory/multiverse lens. My idea is to cast the story in a world where climate change has so become a threat that it is ripping apart the protective fabric of a multiverse reality. Through-out my story, I see the fabric tearing, thus allowing one universe to bleed into the next. In one universe, Caine is a KKK member and in the other he is the opposite – a Black Community Leader. At the moment Caine becomes Lincoln, it’s because he’s slipped into that universe’s reality. So, this means that I am playing with them not realizing at all that they are each other until the final moment. Again, your comments gave me pause and I can clearly see that if my current trajectory doesn’t work, I have another choice! Thank you!
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Dev Ross – Story Web 1A (a few changes)
LOGLINE: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
CONCEPT: Plagued by climate change with small quakes hitting regularly, the sky roiling, and extremist violence on the rise, two contrary men, one black and one white, believe their salvation lies in the elimination of the other. What they don’t know is that they exist as a part of a metaverse where their two worlds are in the midst of colliding. The men are the final catalyst that birth a new world.
Lead Characters: Grand Dragon, Black Leader
Plot/Structure: #8 Rivalry
Character Structure: Protagonist verses Antagonist
Lead Characters: J.J. CAINE is a religious extremist Grand Dragon in the KKK who plots to murder a Black Leader. LINCOLN ABLE is a black activist, community leader who plots to murder the Grand Dragon.
Dramatic Question: Will Caine regain his lost power?
Main Conflict: Caine and Lincoln are continually thwarted from killing each other without any reasonable explanation.
Dilemma: Will the two men see the ultimate truth of their hatred/conflict before they destroy their families and each other?
Theme: Ultimate hate ultimately destroys all.
Character Arcs: Caine goes from complacent, to obsessive, to realization. Lincoln goes from open hearted activist, to secretive and obsessive, to realization.
OPENING: News reports over visuals about fierce, unexplained weather events and extremist violence on the rise…
At a White Supremacist gathering, Grand Dragon J.J. CAINE is booed off stage for being a SINO – a White Supremacist in Name Only.
INCITING INCIDENT: His daughter, who hates that he’s in the KKK and fights with him over how the world is changing, proudly informs him she’s pregnant with a black baby and she’s marrying her black boyfriend. Caine goes berserk, disowns her, throws her out.
Page 10: Up to now, we see the world’s environment becoming increasingly unstable and Caine misinterpret Bible passages to suit his goals. Now, for the sacrilege of his daughter, White Supremacists burn on a cross on his lawn and demand he step down as Grand Dragon.
First Turning point, End Act 1: Caine believes God is directing him to set things right by assassinating LINCOLN ABLE, a black community leader.
ACT TWO: As the planet trembles and the skies roil, Caine wakes up as that Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE, who is struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Following Caine’s multiple failed assassination attempts, Caine comes to the conclusion that someone he knows is betraying him and warning Lincoln.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: In an Iago-esque madness, Caine kills his wife for warning Lincoln because – he wrongly believes – they’ve been having an affair.
Crisis: Caine witnesses Lincoln run down a white man – who Lincoln believes is Caine.
Climax: As the world appears to be ending outside, the two men do a cat and mouse chase in an abandoned cotton processing plant where they are each killed by their own ricocheting bullets.
Resolution: Caine’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, who warmly greet them in a newly formed world.
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Kate,
I really love this story in that it unmasks Darrough’s greed in such a delicious and theatrical way. I think all of your beats work very well. I only have one issue (which will probably be resolved in longer form) and that is with Luciana. In my opinion, she acts as a mentor figure to Nia but… she could possibly add intrigue if she was a shapeshifter as well – just a thought. Just a ‘what-if’ if we suspected her (as a shapeshifter) to have duel motives? So, it ups the stakes on who Nia can trust and possibly adds an additional emotional layer to her.
You state in your beats that Luciana reveals to Nia very pertinent information about Nia’s father and mother. I’m wondering how you see these reveals without relying too much on exposition. Great first stab!
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Hi June,
I really am already enjoying your story: uplifting and steadfast in that – with love – we can all get a second chance at life. I have just a few comments. Firstly, I am interested in seeing your logline and how you express this film in one sentence. Secondly, I love Roy’s character as he exactly mirrors a dear friend of mine who fought in Vietnam and then fought his demons until he died. Seeing Roy overcome his demons really fulfills his arc and MINE for my now lost friend. Third: I don’t understand Kim’s Inciting Incident and how that sends her off in a new direction/adventure/journey. Perhaps Roy inciting incident could suffice. Lastly, I’m not seeing how your first Turning Pt launches us into the second act. What exactly happens with the two that ups the stakes and launches us into the journey of Act Two?
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Dev Ross – Story Web 1
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
Lead Characters: Grand Dragon, Black Leader
Plot/Structure: #8 Rivalry
Character Structure: Protagonist verses Antagonist
Lead Characters: J.J. CAINE is a religious extremist Grand Dragon in the KKK who plots to murder a Black Leader. LINCOLN ABLE is a black activist, community leader who plots to murder the Grand Dragon.
Dramatic Question: Will Caine regain his lost power?
Main Conflict: Caine and Lincoln are continually thwarted from killing each other without any reasonable explanation.
Dilemma: Will the two men see the ultimate truth of their hatred/conflict before they destroy their families and each other?
Theme: Ultimate hate ultimately destroys all.
Character Arcs: Caine goes from complacent, to obsessive, to realization. Lincoln goes from open hearted activist, to secretive and obsessive, to realization.
OPENING: News reports over visuals about fierce, unexplained weather events and extremist violence on the rise…
At a White Supremacist gathering, Grand Dragon J.J. CAINE is booed off stage for being a SINO – a White Supremacist in Name Only.
INCITING INCIDENT: His daughter informs him she’s pregnant with a black baby and she’s marrying her black boyfriend.
Page 10: For the sacrilege of his daughter, White Supremacists burn on a cross on his lawn and demand he step down as Grand Dragon.
First Turning point, End Act 1: Caine believes God is directing him to set things right by assassinating LINCOLN ABLE, a black community leader.
ACT TWO: As the planet trembles and the skies roil, Caine wakes up as that Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE, who is struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Following Caine’s multiple failed assassination attempts, Caine comes to the conclusion that someone is warning Lincoln.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: In an Iago-esque madness, Caine kills his wife for warning Lincoln because – he wrongly believes – they’ve been having an affair.
Crisis: Caine witnesses Lincoln run down a white man – who Lincoln believes is Caine.
Climax: As the world appears to be ending outside, the two men do a cat and mouse chase in an abandoned cotton processing plant where they are each killed by their own ricocheting bullets.
Resolution: Caine’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, who warmly greet them in a newly formed world.
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Dev Ross – Story Web 1 – Assignment 1
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
Lead Characters: Grand Dragon, Black Leader
Plot/Structure: #8 Rivalry
Character Structure: Protagonist verses Antagonist
Lead Characters: J.J. CAINE is a religious extremist Grand Dragon in the KKK who plots to murder a Black Leader. LINCOLN ABLE is a black activist, community leader who plots to murder the Grand Dragon.
Dramatic Question: Will Caine regain his lost power?
Main Conflict: Caine and Lincoln are continually thwarted from killing each other without any reasonable explanation.
Dilemma: Will the two men see the ultimate truth of their hatred/conflict before they destroy their families and each other?
Theme: Ultimate hate ultimately destroys all.
Character Arcs: Caine goes from complacent, to obsessive, to realization. Lincoln goes from open hearted activist, to secretive and obsessive, to realization.
OPENING: News reports over visuals about fierce, unexplained weather events and extremist violence on the rise…
At a White Supremacist gathering, Grand Dragon J.J. CAINE is booed off stage for being a SINO – a White Supremacist in Name Only.
INCITING INCIDENT: His daughter informs him she’s pregnant with a black baby and she’s marrying her black boyfriend.
Page 10: For the sacrilege of his daughter, White Supremacists burn on a cross on his lawn and demand he step down as Grand Dragon.
First Turning point, End Act 1: Caine believes God is directing him to set things right by assassinating LINCOLN ABLE, a black community leader.
ACT TWO: As the planet trembles and the skies roil, Caine wakes up as that Black Leader, LINCOLN ABLE, who is struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Following Caine’s multiple failed assassination attempts, Caine comes to the conclusion that someone is warning Lincoln.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: In an Iago-esque madness, Caine kills his wife for warning Lincoln because – he wrongly believes – they’ve been having an affair.
Crisis: Caine witnesses Lincoln run down a white man – who Lincoln believes is Caine.
Climax: As the world appears to be ending outside, the two men do a cat and mouse chase in an abandoned cotton processing plant where they are each killed by their own ricocheting bullets.
Resolution: Caine’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, who warmly greet them in a newly formed world.
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Dev Ross – Story Web Pass 2
What I learned from doing this lesson was that my plot/structure needed to change from Riddle to Rivalry. Once I did that, the story was far easier for me to envision. My protagonist (truly an antagonist), emotional arc became very clear.
4. AFTER:
Concept: Hemorrhaging members to sexier White Supremacists groups, a fading Grand Dragon seeks to regain power by assassinating a rising Black Leader, but when he wakes the following day, he’s that Black Leader who now plots to murder the Grand Dragon.
Lead Characters: Grand Dragon, Black Leader
Plot/Structure: #8 Rivalry
OPENING: News reports about climate change, unexplained weather events and extremist violence on the rise…
Under a threatening sky and powerful winds, a White Supremacist gathering takes place: an open-air fair with vendors selling hate-filled t-shirts, hats, and flags. Grand Dragon J.J. CAINE tosses off the passive aggressive comments aim at him as he takes stage to speak. He’s heckled and called a SINO – a White Supremacist in Name Only. Crowd cheers as other newer, sexier leaders of the movement take the stage.
INCITING INCIDENT: His eighteen-year- old daughter informs she’s pregnant with boyfriend’s child. They’re keeping it. Getting married. Her future husband is black. Caine rages at her about the black man. Inferior, cruel, lazy. And look what they did to your poor Aunt! Despite the pleas of his wife, Caine disowns his daughter and kicks her out. Moments later, there is a slight earthquake. Caine thinks God’s warning him to set things right. Prays on it. Vows he will.
Page 10: Cross burning on his lawn! Word has gotten out about his daughter. How can he lead if he can’t even control his kid? Demands that he step down as Grand Dragon. Caine is desperate to re-establish his power! Believes he’s being tested. Begs God for direction.
First Turning point, End Act 1: The skies continue to roil. Jay reads the bible when the wind turns the pages and lands on a passage. He believes it’s God giving him instruction. He believes God is telling him to assassinate LINCOLN ABLE, a black community leader. He cleans his rifle then goes to sleep next to his wife. The earth rumbles and the skies blackened. A crack of thunder…
ACT TWO: He wakes up – his wife sleeps turned away from him. She turns toward him. She’s black! He stumbles back out of bed, looks in mirror. He’s the black leader! He collapses. Comes to as if in a fading dream where he was… what? Now all he knows is that he’s struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Having failed to assassinate Lincoln again and again, Caine’s obsession grows. Someone must be warning him. He accuses his wife! In an Iago-esque madness, he accuses her of having an affair with him. She tearfully denies it. He beats her.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: Because of his increasing obsessive behavior, Lincoln’s wife insists he get help, talk to their pastor. Lincoln almost strikes her.
Crisis: Lincoln witnesses a car running down a black man. He chases after the car – the same one that’s been following him! Car chase ensues.
Climax: The men end up in an old cotton processing plant. The weather is crazy threatening. It’s a cat and mouse chase. Caine spouts bible babble. Lincoln says his interpretation is crazy! They can only hear each other – not see each other. Bullets ricochet and both are hit. Dying, they both try to drag themselves out of the plant. Both end face down in water. They lift their heads to see each other’s in reflection in the water. Caine curses God for this betrayal. Lincoln gets it. It all makes sense now. They are each other. Opposite ends of the same coin. Hate has long last killed them. They die. The weather is out of control. Trees break, building collapses. It looks like the world is coming to an end.
Resolution: The world looks different, is different. Sun is shining. Jay’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, including “Painter Boy,” who all wave and greet them. PULL BACK to see the town is the same only different.
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PS81 Dev Ross – 1<sup>st</sup> Pass
What I learned doing this lesson is that I need to do more research on the world of White Supremacists. The second act has been very difficult in that I’m trying to figure out how to work this riddle of two different dimensions shifting in and out of one another. This kind of story is way out of my comfort zone… which is great!
LOGLINE: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
Part to be changed: that his world view is askew.
Biggest fear: that his wife is having an affair with a black man.
Completion of arc: He understands that his own hate is what has killed him.
1. PLOT CHOICE: RIDDLE
OPENING: We hear news reports about climate change and how it could be why unexplained weather events are occurring.
Under a threatening sky, a large White Supremacist gathering takes place. Grand Dragon JAY CAINE is slated to speak. He tosses off what he feels must be imagined slights from the organizers but then he’s literally booed off stage as a White Supremacist in Name Only — a SINO. Crowd wants to hear from the other, newer, sexier leaders of the movement.
INCITING INCIDENT: His eighteen-year- old daughter informs she’s pregnant with boyfriend’s child. They’re keeping it. Getting married. Her future husband is black. Despite the pleas of his wife, Caine disowns his daughter and kicks her out. Moments later, there is a slight earthquake. Caine thinks God’s warning him to set things right.
Page 10: Cross burning on his lawn! Word has gotten out about his daughter. How can he lead if he can’t even control his kid? Followers demand he step down as Grand Dragon. He’s got to re-establish his power! But how?
First Turning point, End Act 1: The skies continue to roil. Jay plans to assassinate LINCOLN ABLE, black community leader. He cleans his rifle then goes to sleep next to his wife. The earth rumbles outside. Wakes up as Lincoln Able, next to his black wife. But as he fully awakes, his thought being someone else fade like a dream you had and can’t remember. Now all he knows is that he’s struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Having failed to assassinate Jackson, who always seems to be one step ahead of him, Jay’s obsession grows to the point of accusing his wife of warning the man. In an Iago-esque moment, he even accuses her of having an affair with him. She packs up, leaves.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: Because of his growing paranoid behavior, Lincoln’s wife insists he get help or she taking their son and leaving.
Crisis: Lincoln is driving to a therapy session when he sees his same make and color of car drive past with Jacob driving. Car chase ensues.
Climax: The men end up in an old cotton processing plant. The weather is threatening. It’s a cat and mouse chase. Bullets ricochet and both are hit. Dying, they both try to drag themselves out of the plant. Both end face down in water. They lift their heads to see each other’s in reflection in the water. Thunder and rain cease after they both die.
Resolution: The world looks different. Jay’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, including “Painter Boy,” who wave and greet them.
Part to be changed: His deep seeded belief that all blacks are inferior and must be mastered.
Biggest fear: That his beautiful wife doesn’t really love him.
Completion of arc: With his realization that his entire life was ruled by a lie, his version of the world dies and a new one comes to being.
2. INT. HOTEL LOBBY – DAY
Lobby tv sets show news on odd climate event, relate it climate change as Grand Dragon JAY CAINE, full of himself, arrives to speak at White Supremacists Conference. He’s confused and embarrassed as he’s hounded offstage, called at SINO. Supremacist in Name Only.
3. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Returns home to find wife, a nurse, hurrying out to work night shift at hospital, and daughter off on a date. He eats dinner alone. Checks news. More on odd weather.
4. INT. CAINE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Can’t sleep.
5. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Jay heads into his den. KKK stuff everywhere. He puts on his white robes, falls asleep on couch.
6. EXT. HOME – DAY
Jay works painting a house. It’s going too slow for customer who says he should hire help. Offers up her grandson who is half-black. (more here about the boy/artist/good worker. Jay says it’s his white half.) Jay can’t help but like the kid. He’s good and that, as much as pleases him, pisses him off. Doesn’t fit with his narrative of anyone black. He’ll watch for the other shoe to drop.
7. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT Daughter tells her parents she’s pregnant by black boyfriend. She tells her father it’s time to change. Despite his wife’s pleas, he throws his daughter out, disowns her.
8. EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Jay lashes out at boy helper for no reason. Painter Boy kid questions him about his hate for blacks. Jay quotes (misquotes) the bible. Black man, according to God, is to be subservient to the white man. Sudden wind and bad weather. They have to stop work.
9. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Klan meeting. Only a handful show up. They say that they need to do something to get back their membership. Jay has no ideas. Wind howls outside.
10. INT. BAR – NIGHT
Jay drinks too much. Gets in fight about his daughter. Gets a call from wife. Come home.
11. EXT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Wind whipping the fire of the cross burning on his lawn. Sign says “Nigger Lover.” Jay is furious and feels powerless at the same time. Fire trucks arrive.
12. INT. CAINE HOME – NEXT DAY
Wife asks him to make his own dinner. She’s working late again. He feels emasculated. Watches handsome Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE on news. Wife comments how good looking he is. Jay goes nuts. She leaves. Jay knows what he’s going to do. He’s going to assassinate Able Lincoln.
13. INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
Jay cleans his rifle. Falls asleep on the couch while the wind blowing outside sounds a high-pitched warning…
14. INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
Same location, only in reverse. The sleeping man stirs and wakens. When he sits up, we see he’s the black man Lincoln Able. He’s wobbly. Like he’s had an intense dream that he can’t remember. He struck with the overwhelming desire to murder the Grand Dragon. Pushes it away.
ACT TWO
1. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln goes door to door to register black voters. A car follows him from house to house.
2. INT./EXT. HOME – DAY
He registers an old couple to vote. See’s car outside. Heads out to confront whomever it is but the car speeds away.
3. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Caine waits for members to show. They don’t. He’s even more charged up to do the deed now. He’ll show them he’s not obsolete.
4. EXT. VOTER ACTION GROUP – DAY
Lincoln meets with activists when a car speeds by and shoots out their front plate glass window. Police take report and will check on car but activists know it will stop there.
5. INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
He tells wife that someone is targeting him. She wants him to go to the police. He says he has no proof, besides whoever it is, is just trying to intimidate him from the work. He won’t be stopped. She begs him to go back to teaching. Is that any safer? Kids with guns?
6. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln is a speaker. A rifle shot rings out. Misses. Lincoln sees a man running away. Sprints after him, almost on him, but loses him…
7. INT. CAINE HOME – DAY
Breathless, Caine makes it home. Locks himself inside. Surprised by his wife who is just getting dressed. He thought she was at work. She was. Came home to shower and change to go back and do a double shift. He looks outside. Thinks he sees someone dashing away. He suspects she’s having an affair. Paint boy comes by looking for work. How did the boy know where he lives? Suspicious. Weather roils and quakes.
8. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE – BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln assures staff he won’t be deterred. Canvasses with them. Bad weather sends them off…
9. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln’s wife is home. Unusual as she should be teaching. She says she wasn’t feeling well. Lincoln sees someone hurrying away from the house. Painter boy shows up and says he’d like to volunteer. Weather roils and quakes.
10. INT. CAINE HOME – NIGHT
Caine’s wife gets ride home from work from a black co-worker. Her car broke down. Caine accuses her of having an affair with the man. She laughs at him. He’s being ridiculous. He hits her. She leaves him in Uber that Painter boy is driving.
11. INT. CAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
He calls his sister. It’s late and she was asleep. He talks about her rape by black men, how he should have saved her. He cries. She says to let it go. It was a long time ago. She was an addict. Shit happens. Caine is furious. Heads out.
12. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
He drives around looking for someone to kill. Sees a car with Lincoln driving. Follows Lincoln. He rams the car. Man inside is dead. He’s black but he’s not Lincoln.
13. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Lincoln passes a white man standing over a black man on the street. White man jumps back in his car, speeds away. Lincoln pulls gun out, speeds after him while crowd gathers over man lying in street.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as quakes hit.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. More quakes cause near collapse of building.
3. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It appears to be ripping apart.
4. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
Their search of each other intensifies. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves to get out.
5. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Jay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleed out, he sees his reflection in the water and doesn’t understand.
6. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. See’s Jay.
7. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Jay sees Lincoln. For a beat, they both appear together until a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT takes us out…
8. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The world looks different, is different. Jay’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople, including “Painter Boy,” who wave and greet them.
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[PS81] Dev Ross – Outlining
What did I learn from this lesson? I’m still thinking on that…. I’ve done quite a few of beat outlines and outlines through-out my career so I kept asking myself how doing one for a movie I know would reveal something new to me or give me an “aha” moment. What I saw in watching my movie was less about the bones of the story and, for me, more how they so brilliantly laid in layers of textures that told the story through light, shadow, water, even window cleaners. I checked the script and they were all there written in as filmed. These things are the flesh you put on the bones to tell your story on a more subconscious level. But, of course, none of that matters unless you have the bones. And just like bones fitting together in our bodies, each beat of the outline has to adhere to the next beat to advance the story pearl by pearl.
Dramatic Question: Is Neo the One?
What is the main conflict of the story? Neo’s disbelief in fate and that anyone or thing guides one’s destiny.
What is the dilemma of the story: Matrix Agents are trying to destroy Neo before he can expose the Matrix.
What is the theme of the story: Truth will set you free.
MATRIX – OUTLINE
BLACK COMPUTER SCREEN
Phone conversation establishes someone being watched by others to see if he is the ONE.
EXT. HEART OF THE CITY HOTEL – NIGHT
Cops and Agents converge on hotel try to arrest Trinity who performs miraculous fetes to escape.
INT. BACK STAIRWELL – NIGHT
Trinity is hurt. Uses mind over matter. Gets up, continues escape.
EXT. CITY STREET – PHONE BOOTH – NIGHT
Trinity races Agent Smith, who drives a semi toward the booth. She makes it in time. Agent Smith tells other agent they have a bead on ‘the One.’
INT. NEO’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Neo is contacted by an anonymous source. He follows the rabbit.
INT. ANOTHER APARTMENT – NIGHT
Neo meets Trinity who challenges him to ask the question: What is the Matrix?
INT. NEO’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Neo wakes up late. Again.
INT. HIGH RISE OFFICE – DAY
Neo gets job warning.
INT. NEO’S CUBICLE
The Resistance calls him and warns that the Agents are after him. Resistance Leader Morpheus guides him to escape.
EXT. BUILDING – OUTSIDE WINDOW
Neo is too frightened to continue his escape.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY
Agent Smith warns him that he must chose between his two lives – one legal, one illegal. Neo tells him to fuck off. Agent Smith causes Neo’s mouth to grow over with skin and they plant a bug in him. As he freaks…
INT. NEO’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Morpheus calls him, tells Neo he’s the “one.” They plan to meet.
EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE – NIGHT
Trinity pulls bug out of him.
INT. OLD HOTEL – NIGHT
Neo meets Morpheus. Neo takes the red pill to seek the truth.
INT. MATRIX POD CENTER – NIGHT
Neo wakes up in mod, is expelled.
INT. WASTE LINE
He’s propelled down it.
INT. SEWER MAIN
He falls into water and begins to drown when rescued by Resistance Ship.
INT. HOVER CRAFT SHIP – NIGHT
The Resistant fighters rescue him.
INT. HOVER CRAFT INFIRMARY
Neo wakes to see an angelic looking Morpheus. Neo thinks he might be dead. Morpheus assures him he’s not.
INT. NEO’S ROOM
He wakes up and freaks out. Where is he? What’s happening? Morpheus gives him the reality lowdown.
INT. HOVERCRAFT
Morpheus gives him tour of ship, introduces crew. Shows him how they hack into the Matrix. Hooks Neo up to see for himself how it works.
INT. CONSTRUCT
Morpheus shows Neo the real world.
INT. FETUS FIELD
How babies are created to grow into adults who power the Matrix.
INT. POWER PLANT
The dead are liquified to feed the newborns.
INT. CONSTRUCT
Morpheus answers “What is the Matrix.” Neo can’t handle it. Wants out.
INT. SHIP – MAIN DECK
Neo is sickened by what he sees. Passes out.
INT. NEO’S ROOM
Realizes he can’t go back. Morpheus explains the prophecy.
INT. HOVERCRAFT
Morning is feigned by a light going on. Otherwise, all would always be dark.
INT. NEO’S ROOM
Tanks awakens him. Tells Neo how he and his brother were freeborn in the human underground city of Zion.
INT. MAIN DECK
Tank downloads Neo with fight training.
INT. DOJO
Morpheus tests what Neo has learned in combat.
INT. MAIN DECK
Tank monitors their fight. Neo’s heartrate is all over the place. Morpheus’s rate is calm.
INT. MESS HALL
Mouse gets everyone to watch the fight.
INT. DOJO
Fight continues while Morpheus coaches that none of it is real.
INT. MESS HALL
Everyone is impressed with Neo.
INT. DOJO
Morpheus finally gets through to Neo.
INT. MESS HALL
They all witness Neo’s ability.
INT. DOJO
Neo is still skeptical.
INT. HOVERCRAFT
Tank uploads a disc that will up the ante.
EXT. ROOFTOP
Neo is tested.
INT. MAINDECK
Crew, and especially Trinity, root for Neo.
EXT. ROOFTOP
Neo doesn’t make the jump but knows why he failed. He didn’t believe he would.
INT. MAINDECK
Trinity is hounded by Cypher. Neo learns that the mind – even if things aren’t real – will still let you die. Mind can’t tell the difference.
INT. NEO’S ROOM
Trinity brings food to Neo, who is sleeping. We see she’s in love with him.
INT. HALL
Cypher expresses his jealousy of Neo to Trinity. She blows him off.
EXT. CITY STREETS – TRAINING PROGRAM
Neo learns about the sentient agents – sentient programs – and how they function. Neo learns what is expected of him.
EXT. SEWER MAIN
Their craft prepares for trouble.
INT. COCKPIT
Neo learns about sentinels that track them.
INT. MAIN DECK
Tank takes them into a sewer line to hide. Turn off all power so they are not detected.
INT. COCKPIT
Neo sees his first sentinel. They are able to avoid detection.
INT. HALL
All sleep.
INT. MAIN DECK
Neo drinks with Cypher who plants doubt in Neo’s mind about Morpheus and his quest.
INT. FINE DINING RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Cypher eats dinner with Agent Smith. Cypher negotiates a deal for what he wants for giving up Morpheus.
INT. MESS HALL
Gross food shared with crew members. Morpheus announces that Neo is going to see the Oracle.
INT. MAIN DECK
Tank sends small group back into Matrix.
EXT. HOTEL LAFEYETTE – DAY
Cypher sets up a trap for Neo and others.
INT. CAR
Neo is off to see the Oracle. Trinity has been there before and knows a secret.
INT. ELEVATOR
Neo is nervous about meeting the Oracle. Morpheus says she told him he would find the ONE.
EXT. DOORWAY
Neo admits he believes not in fate, none of it. Morpheus admits he’s been wrong five times before but now – as his sixth choice has been made – he knows he’s right.
INT. ORACLE’S APARTMENT
Oracle confirms Neo’s suspicions that he’s not the one. She tells him Morpheus will sacrifice his life for Neo because he believes in him so strongly.
INT. CAR
The cookie the Oracle gave Neo is already doing its work. He’s feeling ‘right as rain.’
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What I learned from this lesson is that my antagonist is who really drives this story. I’m in total new territory here as I tell the story from a White Supremacist’s pov. Not sure how to tell it but I’m finding my way…
Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
OPENING: Under a threatening sky, a large White Supremacist gathering takes place. Grand Dragon JACOB CAINE is slated to speak. He tosses off what he feels must be imagined slights from the organizers but then he’s literally booed off stage as a White Supremacist in Name Only — a SINO. Crowd wants to hear from the other, newer, sexier leaders of the movement.
INCITING INCIDENT: His eighteen-year- old daughter informs she’s pregnant with boyfriend’s child. They’re keeping it. Getting married. Her future husband is black. Despite the pleas of his wife, Caine disowns his daughter and kicks her out. Moments later, there is a slight earthquake. Caine thinks God’s warning him to set things right.
Page 10: Cross burning on his lawn! Word has gotten out about his daughter. How can he lead if he can’t even control his kid? Followers demand he step down as Grand Dragon. He’s got to re-establish his power! But how?
First Turning point, End Act 1: The skies continue to roil. Jacob plans to assassinate JACKSON ABLE, black community leader. He cleans his rifle then goes to sleep next to his wife. The earth rumbles outside. Wakes up as Jackson Able, next to his black wife. But as he fully awakes, his thought being someone else fade like a dream you had and can’t remember. Now all he knows is Jackson. And Jackson is struck with the driving need to kill the Grand Dragon.
Mid. Pt: Having failed to assassinate Jackson, who always seems to be one step ahead of him, Jacob’s obsession grows to the point of accusing his wife of warning the man. In an Iago-esque moment, he even accuses her of having an affair with him. She packs up, leaves.
Second Turning point at end of Act II: Because of his growing paranoid behavior, Jackson’s wife insists he get help, or she will take their son and leaving.
Crisis: Jackson is driving to a therapy session when he sees his same make and color of car drive past with Jacob driving. Car chase ensues.
Climax: The men end up in an old cotton processing plant. The weather is threatening. It’s a cat and mouse chase. Bullets ricochet and both are hit. Dying, they both try to drag themselves out of the plant. Both end face down in water. They lift their heads to see each other’s in reflection in the water. Thunder and rain cease after they both die.
Resolution: The world looks different. Jacob’s daughter and husband stroll their baby past black and white townspeople who wave and greet them.
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[PS81] Dev Ross — Necessary Questions
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is a deeper understanding of conflict and how it affects character choices, and also how it can twist the story into directions I had not foreseen. Also, doing this exercise has changed who I think is the protagonist. It complicates things for me but creates a far more interesting and different storyline. My villain is becoming my flawed hero… so far.
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon return to power if he assassinates a Black Leader?
Main Conflict: Is he going crazy or is the Black Leader always impossibly one step ahead of him?
Dilemma: Give up his revenge or lose his family.
Theme: Your hate will ultimately destroy you.
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What I learned from doing this lesson is how each story plot gives me a perspective that I hadn’t even begun to ponder. The angles from which I can tell my story are a new freedom. I also began to see my main characters from many different perspectives.
CONCEPT: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
I plan to use the plot of RIDDLE.
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PS81 Dev Ross – Dramatic Plots 1
What I learned surprised me big time! I thought RIVARY was going to be the plot for me. RIDDLE only came in as a far second choice. I wasn’t looking forward to tackling it. But as soon I began idea-rifting on RIDDLE, I went crazy with the possibilities.
RIVALRY
Alienated from his wife and kids, and fading in his once commanding influence, a middle-aged KKK Grand Dragon longs to regain his status among white supremacists. He plots to do it by audaciously murdering a rising black leader. The Black Leader has everything the Grand Dragon once had and believes he’s entitled to again: a loving family, and a powerful sphere of influence. The Grand Dragon plans to cut the leader’s influence and life short by assassinating him during the Black Leader’s announcement that he’s running for office. After cleaning his rifle, the Grand Dragon goes to bed with dreams of renewed grandeur. But when he awakens, he IS that black leader. But like a dream that fades from your grasp, his awareness of what? Being white? – vanishes, leaving him with a gnawing anxiety and a single pervasive thought: he must first assassinate the Grand Dragon. Though he tries to erase and then rationalize such a violent thought, he can’t escape the force driving him. These two men’s following days are spent in a cat and mouse pursuit to kill one another. In their growing obsession, the Black Leader loses momentum gained in his campaign, and his family, no longer recognizing him, leaves him. Meanwhile, the Grand Dragon’s obsession gains him new followers, but these people are wildly out of balance and dangerous. Both men are pushed to further and further extremes until their final and most vicious confrontation, where the shifting dimension finally brings them face to face in a mirror. They are each other.
RIDDLE
A middle-aged KKK Grand Dragon longs for the good ole days when a white man could lynch a black man with immunity. Now it’s all changed. Get caught on a cell phone video and its life imprisonment. With his membership leaving to join other younger, sexier white hate groups, the Grand Dragon decides it’s time to act. He’ll plot the murder of some random black guy, make sure no one is around to video it, but make sure through the proper channels that everyone knows he did it. He selects a middle-class black man with a wife and kids, cleans his rifle and goes to bed. In the morning, we see a Black Man startle awake from a bad dream. As he tries to put the pieces of the dream together, it fades away. All that is left is a desire to murder a white man. The idea is intoxicating. At work and with his family, he tries to push the desire aside, but it’s becoming a raging obsession that is only assuaged when he finally picks out the Grand Dragon of the local KKK to murder. A cat and mouse game ensues with each getting close to killing the other but with no success. Both men become so obsessed they ruin their families, are fired from their jobs, and become embittered loners. With nothing left to lose, they both plot to kill each other and then to turn their guns on themselves. They arrange a meeting in a warehouse where they will duel it out. Each shows up but can’t find the other. Finally, they both enter a strange room where broken mirrors and inky pools of water keep flashing reflections of the other. They fire at random, bullets ricocheting that ultimately hit them. Riddled with bullets, they both collapse. They each spot the other and drag themselves together for a final, hate fueled verbal confrontation. But when they pull themselves closer, the other isn’t there. Dying, each catches a glimpse of a reflection in the water. They see each other, themselves.
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DEV ROSS
What I learned doing this lesson: I learned that by writing down the simplest of my character ideas that more ideas began to flow. I did have to caution myself about keeping my ideas simple at first as to not get locked into anything yet.
1. CONCEPT: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
2. This is a #1 Protagonist verses Antagonist – SciFi/Drama
3. My protagonist is a Black Community Leader who plots to kill the Grand Dragon of his local KKK chapter.
4. My antagonist is the Grand Dragon of the local KKK chapter and plots to murder his town’s Black Community Leader.
How I see the character structure playing out in my story:
First: I establish both characters in their worlds. My protagonist works building his black community and is currently lobbying the city for summer jobs for black youth. When one of the kids he’s working with gets racially profiled, he takes up for the kid which garners him media attention. Until now, he’d been trying to work under the radar but now, in the limelight, he’s finding he’s able to get more done and faster. Still, he’s a soft-spoken kind of one-on-one guy. Being pushed into the limelight is challenging that aspect of himself. He prefers leading in his community by getting people into action, taking their own charge, and working for change themselves. He never wanted the limelight nor the notoriety that comes with community activism. Still, reluctantly, he takes it on and as he does, he’s buoyed up by the love and admiration he gets, but is alarmed at the hate directed at him from racists who see his actions taking government money away from them.
Protagonist goes from wanting to help but not wanting the limelight to getting the limelight which puts his family in danger but gives him the power to enact more change.
My antagonist is the highest ranking KKK member in his state. But his power is fading due to the rise of new white supremacists’ groups who are attracting new members in far greater numbers than his aging group of followers. In the opening, he’s at a white supremacist gathering where he takes the stage to speak but is shouted down by the audience who think he’s a supremacist in name only (SINO). He’s cowed offstage and then upstaged by a young white supremacist who is more educated, more facile and has a way with audiences. My antagonist’s KKK meetings are drawing less and less and he knows he has to do something to bring the power back to him. News of this new, young black leader gives him an idea to put himself back on top. He will murder the leader.
My antagonist is rapidly losing power and wants it back. He wants the limelight back and will do what he has to, to regain it and to wield its influence.
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I agree to this release form!
Dev Ross
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The opening teleconference filled me with an old feeling: gleeful anticipation! I’ve been around as a writer for a long time and had accumulated some bad attitudes. Listening to Hal helped me release a good deal of the old and open up to embrace the new. Truly! The biggest thing for me is the ability to just do the lesson! Just do the lesson without having to be brilliant! What a relief! I’m so jonesing to gain knowledge with the freedom to make big mistakes that I get to learn from!
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Hi Dana!
I’m actually relieved that I’m not the only one who had trouble! Whew!
I haven’t accessed it yet, but you’ll see June has given you the info!
See you on the other side!
Dev
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Thanks, Anna!
Dev
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Cam,
I never received notification of Hal’s last call on query letters. I’m trying to reach him to see how I can hear it, but it often takes them days to respond. Would you, perhaps, have any notes on the call you could share?
Thanks!
Dev
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Cam!
Will you be on my TOTE team pretty please?
Dev
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Of course! I’m in!
Dev
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Matthew!
Love this version! Tight, visual, gripping!
Yay!
Best!
Dev
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Anna,
Dev here. I’m trying to connect with you on WordPress but it won’t take my password or let me change it!
Here’s my email! More direct, eh? devoross@gmail.com
Best to you!
Dev
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Kate,
This version is tighter and reads better for sure!
The truth may hurt but it can also set us free. ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ is such a story.
THE ABOVE STILL DOESN’T READ LIKE A HOOK TO ME. DOES NOT DRAW ME IN.
A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation against him.
WORKS GREAT.
Luciana swears on her grandpa’s grave that Darrogh will pay for his vengeful development plans as Nia and the theatre troupe set up camp in a green field.
BECAUSE YOU INTRO’D NIA AS YOUNG ACTRESS IN THE SENTENCE BEFORE, SUGGEST REARRANGING THIS TO:
NIA, THE YOUNG ACTRESS, AND HER TROUPE SET UP CAMP AS ACTING MAYOR (?) LUCIANA SWEARS THAT NIA’S FATHER, THE VENGEFUL LAND DEVELOPER, WILL PAY!
Seeing her, Luciana makes the sign of the cross, Darrogh is stunned. The girl could be an avenging ghost, a shadow that binds them to the festering past or a new beginning.
SUGGEST TIGHTENING THE ABOVE: SEEING HER, THE WARRING DUO OF LUC AND DAR ARE STUNNED. NIA COULD BE LUC’S AVENGING ANGEL OR DUC’S NEW BEGINNING…
Darrogh reveals he is her father, her dream come true until she discovers reality and dreams don’t match and suppressed memories crowd in.
Claiming her voice, Nia fills the role of her life as she, the troupe and local community create a ‘play’ for real, in order to con her dad. But can Nia also have relationship with him built on the truth?
OR IS THIS Last para BETTER
Claiming her voice, Nia fills the role of her life as she, the troupe and local community play for real, in order to con her dad. But Nia is also determined to have a relationship with him built on the truth.
SUGGEST CUTTING ‘CLAIMING HER VOICE.’ LIKE HAVING PLAY AS ‘PLAY.’
NIA FILLS (SUGGEST THE WORD ‘PLAYS’ AS IT’S MORE ACTIVE) THE ROLE OF HER LIFE AS SHE, THE TROUPE AND THE COMMUNITY ‘PLAY’ FOR REAL – ALL TO CON HER DAD. STILL, DESPITE PLAYING HIM, NIA’S DETERMINED THAT THEIR FATHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP BE ‘REAL.’
Kate is currently the Producing Artistic Director of a rural theatre company w
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JUNE,
FIRSTLY, EVERYTHING YOU WRITE SMACKS WITH PERSONALITY SO NO WORRIES THERE.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. For most of his life, the gals opened their homes to him (,) and he lived free- but when his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- he knows that his hoodini is fading, and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme. JUST A COMMA MISSING ABOVE.
In jail he’s beaten to almost to death (misCALCUlation but the food sucks anyway) and in the hospital he learns that he has to rejoin society because his old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to grab her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, (TWIN FLAMES?) are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe. NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN BY ‘BELIEVE.’ BELIEVE WHAT? THAT THEY CAN HAVE LOVE? REJOIN SOCIETY?
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, (EXTRA THAT USED) while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, together, find love, find joy, and find belief again. THIS DOGGED ME AGAIN. WHAT BELIEF?
Experience
The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them. DON’T THINK YOU NEED LAST TWO LINES. IT’S CLEAR FROM YOUR SYNOPSIS THAT YOU’VE GOT A STORY WITH SOUL.
My character, Kim, is a singer because I worked with 50 + cabaret shows/singers. That gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room. DON’T THINK YOU NEED TO REFER TO HER AS YOUR CHARACTER. SUGGEST STARTING WITH JUST ‘KIM IS A SINGER.
SUGGEST: I HAD EXCLUSIVE ACCESS TO THEATERS AND THE BACKSTAGE WORKINGS…
My film broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and my audio dramas were broadcast on NPR. Laurels include a two-page article in The American Theatre recognizing my Living Film, and prestigious grants/fellowships(,) including one from the NEA.
As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school. I’ve written (20 & narratives)??: shorts, features, TV and audio drama.
SUGGEST: I’VE WRITTEN 20 NARRATIVES (NOT SURE HOW TO INTERP THAT ABOVE), SHORTS, FEATURES, TV, AND AUDIO DRAMA. AS A PROFESSOR, I’VE TAUGHT UNIVERSITY LEVEL TV WRITING, AND FILM PRODUCTION AT A FILM SCHOOL.
I SUGGEST PUTTING YOUR TEACHING LAST AS MY EXPERIENCE HAS TOLD ME NOT TO HIGHLIGHT THAT. I’VE BEEN TOLD – AND OFTEN – THAT THOSE THAT TEACH DO SO BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T GET WORK ACTING/WRITING ETC…
BEST!
DEV
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June,
Just my experience as a former reader so – I was always taught not to use questions to draw in the reader.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>”Who doesn’t want to live for free when they retire?”
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>My suggestion is to find a clever way to make it a declarative.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>”Live for free when you retire! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Retirement will show you how! It’s a love story about two “still hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Best!
Dev
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Kate,
Your synopsis encapsulates your story very well but does not use the hooks Hal has instructed us to use. I went ahead a read Antonio’s notes so no need to repeat. In my opinion, his instincts are right on. It’s all there so now, go back and grab those hooks!
Dev
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June,
I’ve often wanted to call you just to chat about writing. Let me know if you ever get close to having time for that!
Best!
Dev
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Antonio!
This version rocks! Great job!
Dev
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Matthew,
Great notes, very specific! I’m eternally grateful!
Dev
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Cam!
Your comments on endings are incredibly helpful. I think I can stop tearing my hair out now.
Best!
Dev
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Hi Anna,
I’d definitely reach out to Disney. This is THEIR kind of film! As to whom, I don’t know any one there anymore, sorry! After Disney, I’d go to Netflix and Amazon Studios. Sadly, I used to have a great contact at Amazon but everyone moves around so much now…
As to my stuff, it runs on Netflix and the Disney Channel in rotation. It’s all animation. Currently, I think you might find my sequel to Amblin’s “Balto” – Balto II, Wolf Quest” on Netflix.
Best!
Dev
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Take care! We went through a horrible heat wave a month ago. I wasn’t able to work due to electrical outages. What a time we live in!
Best!
Dev
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Synopsis:
When is the best time to be brave?
I LIKE THE IDEA OF THIS QUESTION BUT THINK YOU CAN FIND A MORE IMPACTFUL WAY TO ASK. SUGGEST GOING TO THE EDGE ON THIS LIKE: “WHEN DO YOU PUT YOUR LIFE ON THE LINE?”
Parisa Nedellec will soon find out. Her boyfriend, an underground MMA prizefighter has mysteriously disappeared, so she embarks in an impossible rescue mission through the underground fighting world.
GREAT OPENING. SUGGEST CONDENSING IT TO MAKE IT MORE ACTIVE: SUGGEST: HER BOYFRIEND, AN UNDERGROUND MMA PRIZEFIGHTER, HAS MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED, CATAPULTING HER INTO THE WORLD OF UNDERGROUND FIGHTING TO RESCUE HIM.
But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she first needs to learn… FAST! GREAT HOOK!
Parisa is an accomplished rhythmic gymnast, a cheerleader whose emotions and the trauma of having seen her sister falling from a building, often challenge her performance. She often relives that traumatic experience in her mind. SUGGEST SHORTENING TO PAST TRAUMAS WITHOUT GETTING INTO HER SISTER. REMEMBER WHAT HAL SAID IS THAT WE WANT THEM TO ASK QUESTIONS BECAUSE THEY ARE INTERESTED.
Her uncle “Pops”, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance,” and introduces Parisa to latin and salsa dance instructors who, unknowingly, are two of the most lethal martial arts masters in the world. They exploit Parisa’s athletic qualities and make her a Chinese wrestling and Brazilian Capoeira fighter in no time.
SUGGEST MAKING THE ABOVE SIMPLIER. SUGGEST CUTTING RIGHT TO ‘INTRODUCES PARISA TO MYSTERIOUS (OR A BETTER ADJECTIVE) LATIN AND SALSA DANCE INSTRUCTORS WHO EXPLOIT…
Parisa wears a pendant that her boyfriend gave her as a present and that is linked to a Persian legend. It may give immense fighting power to its owner, but that power needs to be unlocked. SUGGEST: PARISA WEARS A PENDANT HER BOYFRIEND GIFTED HER THAT IS LINKED TO A PERSIAN LEGEND ABOUT POWER THAT NEEDS TO BE UNLOCKED…
Fred Corner, a drunkard who works as bet collector in the underground fights, teaches Parisa that: “There’s no better time to be brave than when you’re scared to the bone!” When Fred raises his bottle and downs a mouthful: “To courage, ma’am!” Parisa not only learns the secret to unlock the power of the pendant, but it also becomes her battle cry: “To courage!”
SUGGEST CUTTING THE ABOVE DOWN. SUGGEST REMOVING THE DIALOGUE AND JUST TELLING THE STORY.
The Girl in the Fighting Cage is a female-driven, action movie that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Ball, Ninja Turtles generation, the world of MMA female fighters, martial arts moviegoers, and Parkour fans. It can be filmed in less than six locations and small sets.
GREAT!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
About the author:
Antonio Flores, screenwriter. In 1991, he was the first non-Chinese graduated as a professional Wushu (Chinese Martial Arts) coach from a Chinese university. A former journalist from Mexico City, Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing, China for more than 20 years.
YOUR BIO IS GREAT! YOU ARE SO UNIQUE! I THINK YOUR SYNOPSIS TELLS THE STORY WELL BUT CAN BE A SIMPLIER AND SWIFTER READ. CITING DIALOGUE IN A SYNOPIS IS USUALLY FROWN UPON…
BEST!
DEV
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Antonio,
Thanks for your comments. I am really struggling with my synopsis. Cam likes it but says I should drop the ending. Hal says we need endings. June says I need to make my synopsis simpler, that I’m trying too hard. I’m too close to it but the days are ticking away so time to take another stab! And I would love you to read my script! I want to read yours too!
BEST!
Dev
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June,
About questions: I was taught that asking questions was a cheap writer’s tactic but I would certainly defer to Hal who keeps his finger on the pulse of what’s going on. Personally, I think finding a clever declarative works better but that’s just my opinion. Your instincts are finely tuned so go with them!
Thanks again for your notes!
Dev
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Hi June,
Ieeee… This synopsis is driving me crazy. I did try too hard to write it as I had feedback from a producer who DID NOT UNDERSTAND IT ONE BIT! Totally confused. “So, were they brothers?” This is a producer I’ve worked with before but she is NOT a sci-fi fan, didn’t know a thing about metaverses and was totally bamboozled except that she loved that it was an ‘out of the box’ approach to racism.
So, thanks for reminding me that I did write it in an easy to understand way and that my synopsis needs to reflect that.
Back to the drawing board.
As always, your notes are invaluable.
Dev
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Cam,
Now I’m a bit torn. As you advised, I took out the ending and like it much better! I think the hook at the end, introducing Lincoln and his need to kill and Grand Dragon gives a strong hint at what ensues. So… I’m gonna sit on this and ponder for a bit but, again, I think your instincts on it are dead on.
BEST!
Dev
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Cam,
As usual – great notes. I must admit, I blew it when it came to following Hal’s instruction and went more on instinct. Still — Hal’s advice hasn’t failed me yet so no reason not to follow them now! I will do as you say and cut the ending! Thanks for the kick in the butt! As for where I placed the bio, that was a mistake as well. Oy!
Best to you as always!
Dev
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Matthew,
Some very provocative writing!
Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…
THIS IS A GREAT HOOK! STILL, I’D PLAY WITH IT A BIT AS PUTTING IT IN PAST TENSE MAKES IT FEEL LESS ACTIVE/PRESENT.
SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE: ALICIA MULLS OVER WHAT THE VOTING PUBLIC WILL SEND IN NEXT TO TRY AND MURDER HER.
She and the other players already took out two. First time in history it’s ever happened. And the assholes in power have to be getting worried…and pissed. Either way…
She knew she was going to die.
ANOTHER GREAT HOOK.
In 30 years of sacrifice matches, only one person ever survived. And he was way tougher than any of them were. All she wanted now was for her son to be proud when she did finally meet her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth.
I DON’T THINK YOU NEED BACKSTORY. KEEP ALL IN THE PRESENT TO KEEP IMMEDIATE. THE BIG HOOK FOR ME HERE IS WHAT THE TRUTH IS.
Because that would be the only thing worse than being ripped apart alive while the whole world cheers…
Every criminal that was forced in got killed – so, why would a 24-year old girl join voluntarily?
I SUGGEST STAYING AWAY FROM QUESTIONS AS IN “WHY WOULD A 24-YEAR-OKD GIRL JOIN VOLUNTARILY. SUGGEST: EVERY CRIMINAL SENT IN DIED. THEY WERE FORCED BUT SHE VOLUNTEERED…
It’s because they didn’t know – and never could. Alicia would rather die. She looked at the troopers’ faces around her, staring impassively ahead as they took her to the sacrifices. Only one thought crossed her mind—
I wonder what monster social media voters will send in to kill me?
THE ABOVE SOUNDS LIKE THE OPENING OF A BOOK AND NOT A SCREENPLAY. DOESN’T WORK FOR ME.
Though she didn’t know it yet, these sacrifices were going to be the most painful, excruciating, and heartbreaking experience of Alicia’s life…
And they’ll be the thing that turns her into the hero she never thought she could be.
AGAIN, READS MORE LIKE A BOOK THAN FILM. LAST LINE SOUNDS LIKE AN ENDING, WHICH I SUGGEST AVOIDING. NOT WORKING FOR ME.
What if <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Hunger Games was a horror movie? Or Flashing lights. A charismatic host. Now, this is what you call a sacrifice!
SUGGEST STAYING AWAY FROM QUESTIONS AND MAKE DECLARATIVE STATEMENTS INSTEAD. EVEN THEN, I DON’T THINK YOU NEED THE ABOVE. YOUR STUFF STANDS ON ITS OWN.
After 30 years of sacrifice matches, crime has been eliminated from society. And that’s why the system was switched to social media voting. Now, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—
I wonder what monster they’ll vote in to kill me?
NOW THIS IS STRONG. IMMEDIATELY HOOKED ME IN! STILL, I THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER. IT’S UNCLEAR WHY THE SYSTEM WAS SWITCHED TO SOCIAL MEDIA VOTING AS THE OPENING SENTENCE DOESN’T SET IT UP.
SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE: THIRTY YEARS OF SACRIFICE MATCHES HAS ELIMINATED CRIME FROM SOCIETY – BUT NOT THE PUBLIC’S BLOODLUST. TO QUENCH IT, OUTCASTS AND WEIRDOS ARE NOW ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK AND THE SYSTEM HAS SWITCHED TO VOTING VIA SOCIAL MEDIA. NOW YOUNG ALICIA IS ON HER WAY TO BE SACRIFICED…
Will it be vampires? Loch ness monster? Freaking killer mermaids? Only two things were certain…they’ll be violent, and she’ll be killed. Then she thought of her son, hidden away with her abusive mother. She thought about her mother exposing the truth about him to the world….
I DON’T THINK YOU NEED THE ABOVE AS IT GIVES AWAY TOO MUCH. YOU’VE ALREADY HAVE SOME VERY STRONG HOOKS.
And knew she had to find a way to get out, even if it meant everyone else dying…
STRONG HOOK! SUGGEST: SHE KNOWS SHE’LL FIND A WAY OUT. SHE HAS A SON. SHE HAS TOO. EVEN IF IT MEANS EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO DIE.
I THINK YOUR THIRD PITCH IS STRONGEST!
NICE WORK!
DEV
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Cam,
I just did your edits on my synopsis. SOOOO much better! Grateful to you for keeping me on my toes!
Dev
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Yes! I’ll get on it tomorrow!
Best!
Dev
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Anna,
As a writer who has been hired to write many sequels for popular children’s films (LAND BEFORE TIME, BALTO, ALADDIN) I LOVE that you set up the potential for sequels and can see them easily evolved from the gifted litter of puppies! It’s a fabulous idea as producers love to know they can generate sequels from a popular kids/family movie.
I think you’ve done a good job on your query letter and on your synopsis – which is short and highlights the hooks in the movie. My only suggestion would be to go back and fix some punctuation errors. I’m happy to point them out if you’ve gotten ‘blind’ to them. Happens to me all the time…
All the best!
Dev
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Dana!
Great query letter and synopsis. I feel like a broken record on this because I’ve said the same to Cam and June — I don’t think you need your posed questions “Do they change the channel, etc. Your pitch is so strong, the questions seem to distract. Also, as a former studio reader, I was taught that the use of questions is not well accepted. I’m willing to be wrong and it’s been years since I was a reader so just my opinion!
Great stuff!
Dev
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Me too!
xo
Dev
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Kick ass synopsis, June!!
Dev
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Cam,
You’re doing great! Hang in! I think this is daunting for us all. As a side note, somehow your twitter thing at end got connected to my post. I’ve tried to delete it but to no avail. Perhaps because I copied a Producer from your list to look up? Anyhow, it’s odd but please don’t think I was trying to post YOUR twitter link… Yikes… And, thanks for posting about Robert Rodriquez. One of my favs and I had forgotten about him.
best,
Dev
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Thanks, Lisa!!!
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Nice work, Antonio! This really works!
Best!
Dev
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Hi Antonio,
I’m late to reading your stuff but as a practicing martial artist and a lover of martial arts movies, I was eager to read your story. My comments will be in CAPS.
Dev
Feature
title: The Girl Inside the Fighting CageLogline: When a prizefighter disappears, his faithful girlfriend embarks in a dangerous journey through the underground MMA world, where she meets deadly challenges, and fights for him to the end.
FADE IN:
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
SUGGEST SLUG LINE READ: INT. PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT – FRANCE – NIGHT
A gloomy, scruffy fitness room.
A TREADMILL docked in a sea of trash. Its control panel glows in the dark.
AS A PERSON WHO STILL TEACHERS IN A GYM, I LOVE THIS DESCRIPTION BUT AFTER READING ON, I FOUND IT CONTRADICTED YOUR LEAD CHARACTER. SHE’S SO DETERMINED AND FOCUSED. SEEMS ODD THAT SHE’D HAVE A WORK OUT ROOM FULL OF TRASH. UNLESS THE TRASH INDICATES SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT HER…. ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT HERSELF.
MALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Break up. Break up…Tell her: go to hell!… Gotta break up or THEY. WILL. KILL. HER.
GUESSING SHE IS EITHER DRIVEN BY VOICES IN HER HEAD THAT SHOW HER STRESSED MENTAL CONDITION OR THAT SHE HAS A PSYCHIC CLAIRAUDIO AWARENESS OF THINGS…
==============================
SUPER: PARIS, 3:30 AM
==============================
A door opens. A FEMALE VOICE croons a song about separation and shattered feelings.
A Tungsten lamp lights up over the treadmill.
Through the shades, PICTURES ON THE WALL show memories of PARISA NEDELLEC, mid-20’s, she could have easily chosen the beauty queen path, but these images and medals evidence her quest for excellence as a cheerleader.
An old piece of sticky tape has mostly given up on its mission to cover the phrase…
“MOM AND DAD’S MASTERPIECE“
engraved on a frame with a picture of her as a child.
GREAT CONTRAST HERE, TELLS US A LOT ABOUT HER IN JUST A FEW CHOSEN IMAGES. NICE!
Dressed in dark color skintight action-wear, Parisa’ slim, athletic silhouette approaches the…
PICTURE FRAME
She replaces the old sticky tape with a new one, and gives it a quick rub to make sure it stays.
ANOTHER GREAT VISUAL. AGAIN, TELLS HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT HER PARENT’S BELIEF IN HER.
Parisa climbs on the treadmill. Her strong yet delicate hand pushes START and… BUZZ! A burst of electric current signals the reluctant awakening of the monster.
PARISA
Sorry, old friend. I can’t get to sleep tonight, so neither can you.
============ end of page 1==============
She quickly wipes off her tears. So her…
EXPERT EYES
EXPERT EYES IS TRICKY. I’M NOT GETTING WHAT THAT MEANS. IS SHE SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T MISS A THING? EXPERT CONNOTES THAT SHE IS HIGHLY TRAINED. IS THIS WHAT YOU ARE GOING FOR? OR?
can focus on the console and push the…
UP ARROWS
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (whispering reverberation)
Higher… Higher… Excellence…
PICTURES ON THE WALL
ARE THE VOICES REPRESENTATIVE OF HER PARENTS PUSHING HER TO EXCEL?
echo the shouts and applause from yesterday’s award ceremonies.
The DISTANCE, SPEED digits on the control panel roll up fast. All set for high standards.
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (crooning)
“Show me miles and miles.
Make me feel I’m reaching.
Say we’re going far away
while I’m here, stuck
in the same old place.”
She clears off some more tears. A deep breath helps her swallow the pain.
Wireless earphones in place, Parisa drops her cellphone into the console’s deck.
Motion starts. The beast utters a loud cry. SHRIEEEK ! ! !
It’s a flywheel that begs for maintenance or, perhaps, just the first chord of an electric guitar from a HEAVY BEAT SONG.
Parisa builds up speed. Slows down. Non-stop, she adds Thai-boxing moves: Jab-jab. Block. Uppercut. Jab-jab. Grab-pull-knee-thrust.
FROM THE INDICATION OF HER AS CHEERLEADER TO SEEING HER THROW PUNCHES IS QUITE GOOD. TELLS US A LOT ABOUT HER. OTHER THAN MY CONFUSIONS AS TO WHAT YOU ARE GOING FOR WITH THE VOICES AND THE TRASHY WORK OUT ROOM, I LIKE HER, ALREADY ROOT FOR HER, AND AM EAGER TO SEE WHAT SHE DOES. YOU GOT ME HOOKED THERE.
The treadmill monster GROANS ! ! !
LOVE THE GROAN OF THE TREADMILL SEGUING INTO NEXT SCENE. GREAT USE OF SOUND TRANSITION.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT
SUGGEST: INT. UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT
An abandoned storage turned into MMA fighting arena.
ROARS of the action-thirsty horde evince nothing less than madness. Tobacco smoke fills the air.
============ end of page 2==============
==============================
SUPER: NEW YORK, 9:30 PM
==============================
Right in the middle of the area, men with muscled physiques wear black SECURITY T-shirts. They guard the…
OCTAGON CAGE
Two prizefighters in brief skintight trunks, RED GLOVES and BLUE GLOVES burst into savage kick-punch action.
Blue’s frustration grows when all his punches land on Red’s gloves with more accuracy than a pad training partner. Then he THRUSTS Red into the cage wall with a sudden spin and kick to the plexus.
As Red bounces back, Blue DRILLS his fist twice into the opponent’s face. Red STUMBLES. Moves back. The cheers get even LOUDER!
But Red strikes back. He BENDS BLUE IN HALF with a side kick and then pins him down. The impact produces a loud THUD sound. Red doesn’t even bother to go for submission. Blue can’t get up.
Some in the crowd disapprove. Cheers turn into whistles. Now Red Gloves and the audience SWEAR. YELL. POINT FINGERS at each other. BOOING floods the house. Security get assault-shields ready to contain a full-house brawl.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE – SAME TIME
SUGGEST USING ‘CONTINUOUS’ INSTEAD OF ‘SAME TIME.’
Lights off. A dilapidated room with a broken table and chair. WHERE IS THE LIGHT COMING FROM IF LIGHTS ARE OFF? FILTERED LIGHT FROM A WINDOW? IS BAHADUR IN SHADOW? YOU HAVE A CHANCE HERE TO SET MORE OF A MOOD.
BAHADUR, 29, Iran ex-paramilitary, underground fighter known as the PERSIAN WARRIOR, sits with his back towards the door. He leans on the table, head buried in his arms.
Someone insistently knocks on the door.
The door knob shakes. It’s locked from inside. The anxious knocking turns into pounding.
Bahadur grunts in pain. Behind him, the door breaks open.
A confused MMA manager, SYLVAN “POPS” NEDELLEC, 47, a flamboyant French stout, enters the room and blindly looks for the light switch. He is Parisa’s uncle.
SYLVAIN
Hey, you here? Where’s the damn—
Sylvain finds the switch. Turns on a cruddy lamp. Bahadur winces and covers his eyes.
============ end of page 3==============
SYLVAIN
Ha! Gotcha! C’mon, c’mon. This’ no time to play hide-n-seek. Gotta go kick butts, mon cher ami.
Sylvain helps Bahadur to stand up.
The sinewy, bare-torso fighter totters, supports himself on the chair.
He wears orange long slack action trousers and light foot gear.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
C’mon. I promised I’d take care of you. Don’t want my niece to lose her faith on me, OK?
THIS DIALOGUE SEEMS ODD TO ME. SLYLVAIN ENTERS AND IF HE’S SO CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT HIS NIECE THINKS, WHY IS HE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO BAHADUR’S STATE OF BEING – WHICH DOESN’T APPEAR GOOD. WE LEARN SLYVAIN IS ANXIOUS ABOUT MONEY LATER. I THINK IT NEEDS TO BE EARLIER SO WE SEE WHAT’S AT STAKE.
The fighter’s mask is left on the table.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Oh my— (picks it up) Here, here. Don’t forget to wear your mask, mon ami.
IF WE KNOW ABOUT HIS MOM AND THE BILLS THAT NEED TO BE PAID, WE REALLY BEGIN TO ROOT FOR THEM BOTH TO GET THROUGH THIS. OTHERWISE, TO THIS POINT, SLYVAIN JUST SEEMS LIKE A TOTAL GREEDY ASSHOLE.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA – NIGHT
SUGGEST AGAIN TO FIX SLUGLINE. THE LOCATION ALWAYS GOES FIRST. YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO STATE IT’S IN NEW YORK
Bet solicitors flash laser-pointers at the bursting crowd and take their money.
One of them sits on a pile of boxes.
FRED CORNER, late 40’s, talkative, knows everything about urban legends. If you buy him a drink, he can prove to be the best informed about the latest conspiracy or CIA’s next move.
FRED
Think profits, think profits! Lay down a chill for a six-pack! Put a six-pack for a keg! Think profits!
Right in front of him, A MAN IN A MAROON CLOAK advances through the crowd towards the cage. His gray-bearded face is partially covered by the cloak hood.
FRED (CONT’D) (to the maroon cloak man)
Hey, Father! Father! Wanna lay down something here? Father, hey!
Maroon Cloak walks on. He turns deaf ears to Fred.
FRED (CONT’D)
Lemme be your investment adviser! I’m Cash-Only-Fred, Clean-Bets-Fred. Hey, Father! Think profits!
============ end of page 4==============
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – BACKSTAGE HALLWAY
A filthy passageway poorly lit by cruddy neon lamps.
Light from the gate at the end of the passage shows the silhouettes of Bahadur and Sylvain walking through puddles.
Bahadur totters the path with his arm over Sylvain shoulders.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – ARENA GATE
Before crossing the gate, Sylvain fits the Persian Warrior mask on Bahadur, who now looks like a blazed up Middle East ninja.
SYLVAIN
OK, mon ami. You stand behind me. Put your hands on my shoulders and we walk to the cage. Stay with me.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA BY THE CAGE
Standing on the opposite side of the access gate, Maroon Cloak raises his unnaturally pale hand.
Following his sign, security guards push the crowd away, clearing the path for SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter to enter the cage.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)
Hey-hey-hey! First time ever! LIVE in New York! Coming from the Middle East underground fighting world… Ladies and gents, this is no one else but the Ruler’s favorite! The most lethal of all… SHAHNAZ!
Recklessness surge. Bets flow to solicitors as the giant fighter slowly steps through the mob and into the cage.
INT. NEW YORK – UNDERGROUND CAGE – CROWD AREA AT ARENA GATE
Sylvain, Bahadur enter the arena.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (through amps)
And who’s gonna face our guest? I cannot find a better man than our New York adopted son fighter! The undefeated king of the underground cage! Let’s give it all for… THE PERSIAN WARRIOR!
============ end of page 5==============
Spotlights hurt Bahadur’s eyes. He winces. Closes his eyes. Blindly trudges through the crowd. Sylvain leads the way.
CAGE PATH – FANS TUNNEL
Fans line up on both sides of the path. Each joins hands with another on the opposite side. Make a tunnel leading Bahadur, Sylvain to the cage.
SYLVAIN
You know I would call this off, but mom’s hospital bills are sucking your savings.
SUGGEST SETTING THIS UP EARLIER. SYLVAIN SEES HIS FIGHTER’S CONDITION, ASKS IF SHE SHOULD CALL IT OFF. WHEN BAHADUR PUSHES ON, WE LEARN WHAT KIND OF MAN HE IS. WILLING TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Bets flow. Pats on the back. Loud cheers throughout the way.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
Besides, I think you stand a better chance against just one man in that cage than against an angry mob… specially after they’ve laid their money on you.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Bahadur, Sylvain reach the cage. Bahadur takes deep breaths.
Sylvain takes a look inside the cage.
SYLVAIN’S POV
Shahnaz flexing muscles. Speed shadow-jabs. Growls like a wild animal. Threatens the audience.
BACK TO SCENE:
Sylvain stands aghast. Turns around towards Bahadur. Tries to stop him from looking inside the cage.
SYLVAIN
Second thought, I guess we should better take our chances with the mob. Think you could run fast?
IF NOT SET UP PROPERLY, SYLVAIN’S SUDDEN CHANGE OF MIND ABOUT THE FIGHT IS TOO ABRUPT.
Bahadur nudges him aside. Grabs the frame of the gate. Throws himself inside.
============ end of page 6==============
BAHADUR
Gotta finish this, Pops!
Security guards quickly lock up the gate.
INSIDE THE CAGE
The two fighters stand face to face.
The David-Goliath contrast makes the audience burst in madness.
CAGE ACCESS GATE
Sylvain frantically bangs on the cage. Guards ignore him.
SYLVAIN
Listen, guys. We must stop this! Just open the gate! Let him out!
Guards utter no sound.
SYLVAIN (CONT’D)
OK, OK. Gimme a towel that I can throw. C’mon, just gimme a towel. You’ve towels ’round here, uh?\
AGAIN, SET UP PROPERLY, THIS COULD WILL BE CHILLING AS WE SEE SLYLVAIN DESPERATELY NOW TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE FIGHT. UPS THE TENSION.
GUARD ONE
Sir. We ain’t got no towels. A match is over when it’s over.
SYLVAIN
B-but the rules—
GUARD ONE
There’s only one rule: DON’T RUN AWAY – FIGHT ! ! !
SYLVAN (mumbles along)
Don’t run away – FIGHT ! Oh, mon Dieu!
Sylvain’s expression fills with fear and despair as he realizes his mistake. He covers his face with both hands.
IN THE CAGE
Bahadur RUNS towards, STEPS on, JUMPS off the cage wall and into a Parkour SIDE FLIP. Before landing, his two legs DRILL into Shahnaz face. Then, he DASHES, SKIDS into the giant’s knees, TRIPS him, makes him BITE the canvas. The audience ROARS as he quickly transitions into leg submission.
LOVE THIS DESCRIPTION!
============ end of page 7==============
Maroon Cloak stands by the giant’s corner. He holds…
A DAGGER
More than half of THE BLADE has changed into BLOOD-RED COLOR. This catches Bahadur’s attention.
———————————
MEMORY FLASH – THE CUT
Before the fight, Bahadur enters the lockers.
Maroon Cloak deliberately bumps on him.
Bahadur winces. His hand quickly covers his arm, but can’t suppress the SHARP STINGING PAIN.
There is a cut on the sleeve of his jacket.
BACK TO THE CAGE
SUGGEST THIS NOT BEING A FLASHBACK. FLASHBACKS NEED TO BE USED JUDICIOUSLY. THIS COULD HAVE BEEN QUICKLY SET UP AT THE TOP, THEN CUT TO PARISA. IF SET- UP BEFORE HAND, THE AUDIENCE CAN BEGIN TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER AS BAHADUR’S WEAKNESS BEGINS TO MANIFEST.
———————————
Shahnaz GROANS in pain, but does not concede the fight.
Bahadur feels weak. He glances at the SCRATCH on his arm, then at the man in Maroon Cloak holding the DAGGER.
———————————
BAHADUR POV
Maroon Cloak’s hoodie partially covers his face.
He sneers and then, in silence, his lips pronounce a word: POISON
BACK TO THE CAGE
———————————
Bahadur dismisses the message. He presses harder on Shahnaz leg, but his strength fades away.
As the transformation of the DAGGER BLADE advances, Bahadur gets weaker. Softens. Can’t go on. His arms free Shahnaz leg. Then, finally, vanishes.
Now the BLADE shines BLOOD-RED COLOR from hilt to tip.
CROWD AREA
The audience whistles at the second upset of the night. A big brawl erupts.
Security, paramedics swarm into the place.
============ end of page 8==============
INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME BASEMENT — NIGHT
Parisa’ sneakers pound on the treadmill band.
Cellphone vibrates. The LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC muffles the ringer.
———————————
ON PARISA’S CELLPHONE SCREEN
Sylvain’s text preview: “I’m sorry. He’s gone. They took him”.
INCITING INCIDENT FOR PARISA
BACK TO PARISA
———————————
WHAM! Parisa slams the treadmill’s emergency stop.
=========================
A WAY TO FIND HIM – MONTAGE
=========================
— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S HOME – STAIRS – DAY
— Parisa runs upstairs.
PARISA (V.O.)
How long ago?
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
After the fight. Somebody doped him. Got beaten. It was a KO. Never got to the hospital.
— INT. FRANCE — PARISA’S BEDROOM — DAY
— Parisa pulls her secret coffer from underneath her bed.
— She nervously handles the keys. Opens the coffer’s lock.
— Frantically searches for something.
PARISA (V.O.)
Are you okay, Pops?
— She searches a concealed section of the coffer.
— Removes a small envelope with money and a box.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, yah. I’m just calling ‘cos you said that if ever, uh, I mean… How did you know this could ever happen?
============ end of page 9==============
FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)(whispering reverberation)
YOU. KNEW. THIS.
PARISA (V.O.)
I don’t know. I just heard a… forget it. I MUST find him, Pops! Help me! You got to help me!
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
You know you can count with me.
PARISA (V.O.) Merci, merci! Is mom still…
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone) Oui, yah. Bills keep coming. Don’t worry. I’ll think up something.
— Parisa opens the box.
— Pulls a Middle East style PENDANT NECKLACE
— She unlatches it. It opens like a pocket watch. GLOWS.
— She looks inside the pendant. Fear floods her expression.
SEEMS THIS COULD BE CONNECTED TO THE VOICES? IF YES, LET US KNOW, OTHERWIDE LEAVES TOO MANY QUESTIONS UP TO THIS POINT.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through mobile)
Hey. Uh… Hello? A-are you still there?
PARISA (V.O.)
Oui. I gotta go. I will call you when I land in New York.
SYLVAIN (V.O.) (through cellphone)
Oui, oui. Be careful, will you? Those bastards—
— INT. PARISA’S HOME ENTRANCE – DUSK
— She leaves the house with a carelessly fasten backpack on her shoulder.
PARISA (V.O.)
I know, I know. Take care, Pops.
END OF MONTAGE
I WILL WATCH THIS AS A MOVIE! TOTALLY GRABBED ME BUT ALSO LEFT TOO MANY CONFUSIONS FOR ME. STILL, I’M EXCITED TO SEE THIS EVOLVE! LOVE THE FEMALE FIGHTER AND THINK THAT’S VERY SELLABLE IN THE INDUSTRY TODAY. CONGRATULATIONS!
DEV
-
Dana,
I’m going to jump in. Won’t waste time giving you notes you’ve already received. I’m in almost complete agreement with Cameron who gave excellent notes. As for me, I was intrigued by your opening but felt it not only went on far too long but also telegraphed the patient’s condition. I knew as the scene continued on that he was a schizophrenic. Then, after reading the rest, I felt this opening also ‘telegraphed’ what was going to happen, literally gave it away. We see the opening, then find out she’s going to be let go at the radio station because of her too tame show. Instantly, this signaled to me that this caller was going to be the catalyst that saved her show.
You’ve got an incredible story. Let us have one pearl at a time to figure it out rather than frontloading us from the start with too much.
Best,
Dev
-
COMMENTS FROM DEV IN CAPS!
FADE IN (DON’T FORGET TO ADD THIS IN AT TOP OF YOUR SCRIPT.)
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.
LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
LUCIANA
Siempre en ese sombrero malvado.
Si, it is an evil hat! Always on his ugly head. Sí, estoy haciendo tortillas. ¿Tú gustas? ¡Claro, muy a la orden!
She laughs.
LUCIANA
¡Claro que sí! Come eat mañana y hacemos un plan.
She scoops the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away.
LUCIANA
No. No son para ti. ¡Sácate!
The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Muchos besos. Hasta luego.
She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
KATE, I LIKE USING THIS ESTABLISHING SCENE TO LET US KNOW ABOUT THE CONFLICT RIGHT OFF. MY PROBLEM IS THAT IT’S TOO STATIC. IT DOES NOT GRAB ME. THE SPANISH SEEMS TO OVERTAKE THE SCENE. I’M LEFT WONDERING WHO SHE’S SPEAKING TOO AND WHY IT SEEMS LIKE A SPANISH LESSON OF SORTS. WHAT IF SHE’S ALREADY IN A RAGE ABOUT DAR DESTROYING THEM. (WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN HER BACKSLIDING INTO SPANISH-WHEN SHE’S EXCITED) PERHAPS SHE’S ALMOST AT THE POINT OF GIVING UP OR DOING SOMETHING DESPERATE? MAYBE THE PERSON ON THE PHONE WARNS HER NOT TO DO ANYTHING STUPID WHEN… AT THE LAST MOMENT LUC SEES THE BUS PULLING INTO THE FIELD IN THE DISTANCE… THE SIGHT OF THE BUS WITH ITS COLORFUL CHARACTERS EMERGING COULD BRING HER HOPE OR GIVE HER AN IDEA. MAYBE SHE KNOWS THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE BUT THEN GETS THE IDEA TO TELL THEM THEY CAN JUST TO PISS OFF DAR? OR…? MY COMMENTS MAY NOT BE HELPFUL HERE BUT I’M STILL LEFT WITH THE FEELING YOUR OPENING SCENE IS TOO TAME. WHILE LUC IS AN TERRIFICALLY INTERESTING CHARACTER, THE DIALOGUE ISN’T INCITING ENOUGH FOR ME.
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – LATE AFTERNOON
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
Seven young people(20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
Out of the bus comes a 23year old Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. Just get up and come out here.
He stops and leans in.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f***’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I’m great!
Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a tidily caught projectile, quietly. No fuss.
SHAUNN
I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.
SUGGEST CUTTING “YOU DO THAT VERY QUIETLY.” WE SAW THAT SO HE DOESN’T NEED TO SAY IT.
Nia nods, her head still over the towel.
SHAUNN
Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?
Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.
SHAUNN
That all?
Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.
SHAUNN
That’s what I thought. Good thing this is the last stop of the tour.It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.
Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.
NIA
That and I’m really good on stage.
SHAUNN
Especially as a raccoon.
Nia gives him the finger. DOES SHE REACH UP TO FEEL ALL THE MAKE UP SMUDGED AROUND HER EYES? IF NOT, THEN HOW WOULD SHE KNOW WHAT HE MEAN’T?
SHAUNN
How are you doing?
Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.
NIA
Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
SHAUNN
To get here before dark. You shouldn’t have had that bison burger – as a newly practicing vegetarian.
Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits. She grins, followed by a little burp.
NIA
Ooh! That’s better.You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!
SHAUNN
You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California. SUGGEST CUTTING ‘ALWAYS EXCITED” AND GO RIGHT TO THE PUNCH.
Nia starts to stand.
SHAUNN
Here, let me help you.
Nia barely lets him as she lurches up and leans on the bus.
NIA
Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen!
SHAUNN
The incredible thing will be that it’s dark and your tent isn’t set up. Can you make it to the trees?
He’s half teasing, half serious. Offers her his hand again.
NIA
I love this time of night. TOP OF SCENE SLUGLINE SAYS IT’S LATE AFTERNOON. SHE’S SAYING SHE LOVES THIS TIME OF NIGHT. YOU’LL NEED TO CALL OUT DUSK SETTLING IN.
Nia taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees.
NIA
This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.
“Evenings are the beautifully sweet spot between the harsh light of the day and the dead darkness of night.”
SHAUNN
Beautiful. Who said that?
NIA
It’s one Mr Unknown’s. But I love it. I could live there. A spirit between worlds.
She looks off.
SHAUNN
I know you could. But right now? You’re an actress who’s on tour, with a campsite to HELP set up. After you, Ma’am.
Shaunn executes a deep Sir Walter Raleigh type bow.
NIA
Kind sir, I will be with you in but a mere instant. Just give me a small scintilla of time to soak in this.
Nia curtseys, then pops up again – all contemporary girl.
And then I’ll pitch the tent like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE!
SHAUNN
Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?
NIA
One more rinse.
Nia rinses vigorously and spits again.
NIA
Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place! SUGGEST CUTTING THE NEXT FEW LINES AFTER THIS. THEY FEEL REDUNDANT TO ME.
SHAUNN
You and those feelings!
NIA
Seriously – this last town? Gonna’
be spectacular!
She grins and hands back the water bottle..
NIA
(brightly)
Hey, positive side. I didn’t throw up in the bus!
SHAUNN
There is that. You have amazing control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand. And your speed of recovery is second to none.
Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.
SUGGEST PICKING BACK UP HERE..
NIA
Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the travel sickness thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!
Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the 2 packs and walks off to join the others.
SCENE PLAYS TOO LONG FOR ME. YOU DO A GREAT JOB SETTING UP THEIR RELATIONSHIP RIGHT AWAY. IT GETS A BIT EXPOSITORY AFTER INITIAL SET UP.
EXT. SAME FIELD – 3 MINUTES LATER
GOT TO CALL OUT DUSK IN SLUG LINE.
Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the darkening valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, all animation dropping from her.
NIA
(whispering)
What do you think, Mom? Maybe here? It’s not over – yet. There’s still time. A BIT ON THE NOSE. HOW ABOUT THE HOOK OF “IT’S NOT OVER – YET. THERE’S STILL TIME.’ THIS MAKES ME WONDER AND HOOKS ME IN.
INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING
Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn.(Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)
Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)
A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.
NIA
It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.
SARAH
The old couple over there.
MICHAEL
And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!
SHAUNN
And we’ll never-ever leave!
AT THE BAR
IAN
Where are they staying?
DAVE
Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.
IAN
A shame her Grandpa lost that.
DAVE
He was cheated out of it.
IAN
Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.
LUIS
I’d love to get it back.
IAN
Who wouldn’t?
LUIS
Take a miracle.
SUSAN
Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!
AT THE OTHER TABLE
SYLVIE
I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.
HAROLD
Is it one of those Shakespeare things?
SYLVIE
Yes, and you‘ll like it.
HAROLD
I never understand them.
FRANCIS
What one are they doing?
HAROLD
Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.
FRANCIS
That’s them over there. We can go ask.
SYLVIE
Oh yes. Come on.
She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.
AT THE OTHER TABLE
MERCEDES
Here they come!
As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.
SYLVIE
Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.
The ‘standers’ all shake hands.
Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.
MERCEDES
I’m Mercedes.
Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.
SARAH
Sarah!
Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table and shakes hands with everyone throughout the following.
NIA
Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.
SYLVIE
Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.
TIM
Please, take a seat.
Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.
Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.
FRANCIS
Ready for the play?
SHAUNN
Absolutely!
HAROLD
Shakespeare, right? What play is it?
SARAH
Much Ado About Nothing’.
HAROLD
That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.
Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.
SUSAN
Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.
Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.
DAVE
Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?
Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.
DAVE
Do you have a permit?
SARAH
We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.
The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.
FRANCIS
Luciana!
He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.
Hades sits on it.
Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.
LUCIANA
Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!
Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.
LUCIANA
(muttering)
Santa Madre de Dios!
Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.
DAVE
Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?
Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.
LUCIANA
Green field?
MERCEDES
The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.
NIA
And do the show.
Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.
LUCIANA
I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.
SYLVIE
All?
LUCIANA
The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?
NIA
Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.
LUCIANA
Tu hablas español?
NIA
Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.
LUCIANA
That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.
FRANCIS
Then look out!
Luciana claps her hands.
LUCIANA
A round on the town to welcome our guests.
Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.
Francis pulls Luciana aside.
FRANCIS
You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.
LUCIANA
That’s why I said yes.
FRANCIS
Why did they ask you?
Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.
FRANCIS
That fake website?
LUCIANA
A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.
Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.
Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.
SYLVIE
What’s she done now?
FRANCIS
A small win in her endless battle for the farm.
SYLVIE
And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.
FRANCIS
Not yet anyway.
A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.
CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.
CUT TO: SUGGEST TAKING OUT ‘CUT TO’S’ AS THEY USUALLY DON’T BELONG IT A SCRIPT UNTIL A DIRECTOR DOES A SHOT BREAKDOWN.
Luciana has made her way to Nia and is leading her out of the hubbub, Hades at their heels. She is holding 2 beers.
EXT. THE QUIET STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB.
YES! GLAD YOU TOOK THEM OUTSIDE!
Nia is happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.
LUCIANA
Salud!
NIA
Salud!
Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.
LUCIANA
Is this your first time here, Nia?
NIA
Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here?
LUCIANA
Most of my life, si. Where are you from?
NIA
East coast.
LUCIANA
You are very beautiful.
NIA
Oh, um. Thank you. You too.
LUCIANA
It is not always a good thing, is it?
NIA
It can be – challenging.
Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.
LUCIANA
I hate it!
Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.
NIA
Me too!
Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.
LUCIANA
He likes you. Let’s walk. I am liking this quiet. Do you have a dog at home?
She leads Nia down across the narrow road into a small park, under soft street light. She gestures to Hades he can run and he bounds off.
NIA
No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Wait – I do remember a dog. A long time ago.
LUCIANA
Cuando eras una niña?
NIA
My Spanish..
LUCIANA
When you were little. A child.
Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere. Hades reappears and nuzzles Nia’s leg, asking her to rub his head.
NIA
May I?
LUCIANA
(nods)
I think you are stealing my dog.
Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.
LUCIANA
Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?
NIA
I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.
LUCIANA
Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.
Nia is jolted.
NIA
They sometimes have hair…
LUCIANA
Yes.
Nia is remembering that her mother had such a dog. SUGGEST SIMPLY: NIA IS REMEMBERING…
THEN NEXT PIECE OF DIALOGUE TELLS US.
NIA
There was a dog… My mother.
LUCIANA
He was a gift to her.
Nia is a surprised at the statement.
NIA
Why do you say that?
LUCIANA
I know things.
They have arrived at a huge tree. The each take a pull on their beers enjoying the night.
NIA
Do you ever feel like you’re going to walk around the corner? and Bam! You know who you are!
LUCIANA
What are you looking for?
Nia finishes her beer and is a little buzzed.
NIA
Nothing – and everything.
LUCIANA
And when you find this nothing and everything?
NIA
I don’t know. Just…. I won’t be alone.
LUCIANA
Sometimes alone is okay. DON’T GET WHY SHE SAYS THIS NOR DOES IT SEEM NEEDED. STRONGER TO GO RIGHT TO: “TELL ME ABOUT THIS TOWN.”
NIA
Maybe.
She looks back toward the pub and street
NIA
Tell me about this town.
Luciana makes a choice. She deliberately puts her hand on Hades’ head and looks right at Nia.
LUCIANA
It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us. HERE’S WHERE I SUGGEST TAKING MORE TIME. LUC COULD SAY “IT IS NOT WHAT IS WAS.” AND THEN LEAVE IT HANGING TO SEE IF NIA BITES AND ASKS MORE. WHEN SHE DOES, LUC GAINS HOPE AND IS FUELED TO SAY MORE. IT’S CALLED THE ‘TAKE AWAY.’ ACT LIKE IT’S TOO MUCH TO PUT ON THE OTHER PERSON TO TELL THEM YOUR PROBLEMS AND THEN HAVE THEM URGE YOU ON TO TELL THEM. IT JUST SEEMS THAT LUC GOES INTO IT TOO EASILY. WHERE’S HER EMOTIONAL CONFLICT? CAN SHE TRUST THIS GIRL SHE JUST MET, EVEN IF SHE SUSPECTS WHO SHE IS?
NIA
Who?
LUCIANA
A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.
Hades licks Luciana’s hand.
NIA
He wants to keep you safe.
LUCIANA
He is my guide to the underworld. I can go into the darkness and come out safely.
NIA
Maybe I’ll borrow him one day. I FEEL THIS IS TOO ON THE NOSE. SUGGEST CUTTING CROM LUC’S ABOVE LINE TO HER TEN SAYING THEY NEED A MARGARITA. I FEEL IT LEAVES HER MORE MYSTERIOUS THAT WAY.
Luciana nods slowly.
LUCIANA
Yes maybe. Come, we need a margarita.
She leads the way back, Hades at her heels.
NIA
I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?
Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.
LUCIANA
It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.
Nia laughs.
NIA
I want to meet her! OK! Let’s make my eyes water.
LUCIANA
(stopping)
Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.
Nia suddenly hugs her.
NIA
I think we’ll be friends. I’ll go ahead get those margueritas! SUGGEST CUTTING LINE AFTER ‘I THINK WE’LL BE FRIENDS.’ THEN HAVING HER BOUND OFF. “LET’S MAKE MY EYES WATER!’
She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, her face soft and a little sad. She addresses Hades who is watching Nia disappear into the pub..
LUCIANA
La he encontrado! And she will find her everything and nothing. SUGGEST CUTTING THIS AND GOING RIGHT TO HER CROSSING HERSELF. IT KEEPS IT MUCH MORE MYSTERIOUS AS TO HER MOTIVES.
Luciana makes the sign of the cross again and looks up, her other hand resting on Hades.
LUCIANA
Mantenla a salvo oh Dios. We will watch over her.
EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING
A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.
KATE, LOTS GOOD HERE AS ALWAYS. TRULY COLORFUL AND RICH CHARACTERS WITH A CLEAR STORY UNFOLDING. JUST THINK IT’S OVER WRITTEN AS IF FOR STAGE RATHER THAN USING THE FILMATIC TECNIQUE OF MORE SHOWING THAN TELLING. THINK IT WAS A VERY GOOD CALL TO PUT LUC IN FIRST SCENE BUT THINK YOU NEED TO MAKE IT EDGIER 0R MORE INTENSE.
BEST!
DEV
-
Cam,
I just wanted to chime in. I read Dana’s notes and they’re right on. Yes, your #10 does new a new slugline.
As for the ‘nose grip’ – you may have an opportunity to use it as a ‘character gesture.’ Does he do this when upset? Hiding something? Or? You can cut it or build on it. Personally, I love character gestures because they add insight into what a character’s feeling without having to explain or add dialogue.
Only note of Dana’s that I didn’t agree with was #30 “This isn’t over.” I liked the placement. Thought it was realistic and reminiscent of some of my own ‘meeting’ experiences.
Dev
-
Cam,
I get that you want your inciting incident on page ten. That said, there are plenty of great films where they happen earlier and even later. I think a page or two difference is not a big deal and that you should not sacrifice story for being a page late or earlier. Just my opinion.
Dev
-
Hi Cam,
I agree that your biggest inciting incident happens with the Hegemony. But, technically, that’s your hook into your story. That said, I think your big inciting incident is being locked out of the bunker. Being locked out is what sends them on the rest of this adventure, yes?
Dev
-
June,
Thank you for your really precise notes! I really depend on them as – I’ve already done so many rewrites – especially on my opening page – that I’ve lost perspective. Probably, just need to take a few days break from the story.
Your note about the match-cut with the boy looking out the window is great. I’m really thinking on that… In my research, I saw so many young children attending Klan rallies in their little white robes that it really impacted me. I’ll have to choose one or the other or find a way to do both.
Again, I have grown quite dependent on you! So grateful!
Dev
-
Cam,
As always, great notes. I’ve rewritten my opening scenes at least fifty times…. Originally, I had started with the fair and may go back to it. I’m also getting conflicting notes: some love the opening, others, like you, do not. So, I have to dig in on what I really am going for – which is to have the audience believe Clay to be one way only to find out he’s not.
I love your ‘bleed’ note and those following on my description. Those changes are going in immediately!
I’m so grateful to you!
Dev
-
DEV’S COMMENTS – IN BOLD
OVERALL, THIS IS WORKING JUST GREAT! MY ONLY BIG COMMENT IS THAT I WASN’T SURE WHERE THE INCITING INCIDENT CAME IN. FIRST, I THOUGH IT HAPPENED ON THE FIRST PAGE AND THEN WHEN SULLY’S BOSS THREATENED HIM. NOT CLEAR TO ME. YOUR FIRST SCENE REALLY EXCELLED. GREAT LOADED IMAGERY.
INT. CLOSET
BLACK. HEAVY BREATHING. AN ALARM BLARING.
A light SLASHES through the darkness, illuminating BETH. NICE LOADED IMAGE. VERY STRONG.
She dials a number on her phone…
It RINGS for an eternity. AGAIN, GREAT LOADED IMAGE. CAN FEEL THE URGENCY.
BETH
Hello? Hello, Sully?
SULLY
(on the phone)
Beth! Where are you?
BETH
It’s in the room with me.
SULLY
What?
BETH
It’s in the room. I’m in a closet hiding from it.
Anguished pause.
BETH
Where are you? Is Isaiah with you?
SULLY
Cover your mouth with a shirt and—
BANG! The closet door holds.
BETH
Is our son with you?!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
SULLY
No, the alarm just went off. Cover your face and run!
BANG! BANG! CRACK! The door frame splinters!
Beth presses her feet against the wall, pushing with her back against a box and the subsequent door.
BETH
It’s our neighbor, Sul!
WOW! TERRIFIC OPENING. GREAT ACTION, GREAT TWIST AT THE END. IT’S OUR NEIGHBOR… HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT? NOW I HAVE TO READ ON! AS A ‘READER,’ TO BE SURE I WOULD! ALSO, IN THIS BRIEF SCENE, I CAN FEEL HOW MUCH SULLY LOVES HIS WIFE – AND THAT HE KEEPS AVOIDING ANSWERING HER QUESTION ABOUT THEIR SON, WHICH IS A GREAT FORESHADOWING.
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – DAY
A torrent of colonists washes (WASH) down the halls in one direction.
Meanwhile, SULLY, mid thirties, barrels through the stampede – Who is he? A self aware man-child who loves making things work more than making love. Into his phone… GREAT DESCRIPTION USING ‘LOADED WORDS.’
SULLY
I’m on my way, Beth!
His phone rings. Another call…
He’s about to hang up when he sees the name ISAIAH.
SULLY
I’m getting a call from Isaiah. Just hold on. I’m on my way.
He switches the caller…
SULLY
Isaiah, go straight to the bunker, kiddo!
ISAIAH
(on the phone)
Dad! I’m stuck!
SULLY
No you’re not! Get up and—
ISAIAH
Come get me, please!
SULLY
Listen! I know it’s loud! Just cover your ears and—
ISAIAH
My teacher left me.
Sully checks his watch. The timer on it paces down from 7:59…7:58…7:57…
SULLY
Hold on, bud! I’m right here, okay! I’m just going to put Mommy on, okay?
No response.
SULLY
Are you shaking you head yes or no?
ISAIAH
Yes.
SULLY
Attaboy.
Sully patches Beth through to Isaiah with a vengeful glare and tears burning in his eyes. AWKWARD FOR ME. DON’T GET THE ‘VENGEFUL GLARE.’ I’D WORK TO SHORTEN AND MAKE MORE EMOTIONAL AS WELL. “TEARS BURNING HIS EYES, SULLY PATCHES HIS WIFE THROUGH TO THEIR SON.”
INT. SPACE COLONY – CLASSROOM – NIGHT
A young boy around the age of 8, ISAIAH, sits under a desk. His hands and the phone press against his ears like a vice grip. BE SPECIFIC. IS ISAIAH EIGHT OR NOT?
ISAIAH
Mommy?
BETH
(crying)
I’m here, baby.
ISAIAH
Mommy? Are you crying?
BETH
No, baby. I’m okay…I want you know…I love you.
ISAIAH
I love you, too.
BETH
Daddy’s going to be there any second now.
Isaiah nods his head.
BETH
Can you be strong for Daddy when he comes?
Isaiah nods his head again.
ISAIAH
I mean, yes. LOVE THAT HE SELF-CORRECTED. THIS SAYS A LOT ABOUT HIS ASPIE-NESS WITHOUT HAVING TO SAY IT.
BETH
I love you, Isaiah. I love you so much.
A hand WRENCHES Isaiah out from under the table!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
INT. SPACE COLONY – SULLY’S ROOM – NIGHT
Sully jolts awake. He catches his breath as he eyes a portrait of Beth smiling, happy. Tears begin to stream from his eyes as…
He lays on his side of the bed, ALONE, as though a void were resting where his wife should be. AGAIN, I’D TIGHTEN DESCRIPTION. HE LAYS ON HIS SIDE OF THE BED, ALONE; A VOID WHERE HIS WIFE SHOULD BE.
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR YEARS LATER…
The alarm clock reads 3:14.
Sully crawls out of bed and grabs the portrait before shambling to…
THE BATHROOM
The portrait rests next to the sink as Sully brushes his teeth and shaves.
SULLY (V.O.)
Hey, honey. Don’t really have anything new to say. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. Just…tempering expectations. He’s like an albino crow, now.
SULLY’S ROOM
Sully gets dressed in scrubs.
SULLY (V.O.)
Maybe we both are. It’s hard to hide it because, I don’t really want to. I’m sure you’d tell me to move on, but…You know me. And as bad as I am, Isaiah’s worse. The kid won’t listen to anyone.
KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM
Sully finishes writing a note on a countertop.
SULLY
He’s too damned stubborn, and…I know. You’re right. Just…
Sully takes the portrait out of the frame and folds it into his pocket.
SULLY
We miss you.
NICE SCENE. HE’S CARRYING ON WITH HIS LIFE – BUT NOT WITHOUT HER.
And he’s out the door. The clock reads 4:00.
INT. SPACE COLONY – ISAIAH’S ROOM – MORNING
The glitter of a sun rising trickles into the room from a window.
KZZT. KZZT. The same window reveals itself as a screen depicting an artificial world beyond the walls of the space colony with each malfunction of static. SUGGEST TIGHTENING THIS DESCRIPTION UP: KZZZT! THE WINDOW, DEPICTING AN ARTIFICAL WORLD BEYOND, MALFUNCTIONS.
A young boy with Asperger’s, ISAIAH, now around the age of 12, lays in bed. He peels out from under the covers and looks under his bed.
An uncomfortable time passes…
Before he snaps back up and tugs down on a pulley…
Unleashing a cascade of Rube Goldberg mechanisms across his room. All at once, his bed’s made, new clothes are thrown to the floor, a hamper rolls out for him… LOVE THIS!
KITCHEN
Fully dressed in a school uniform, Isaiah munches on a protein bar and reads Sully’s note.
SULLY (V.O.)
Dear Isaiah, had to go in early this morning. I want you to know I’m so proud of—
Isaiah crumples the paper and tosses it in the trash can.
He stews…
Then takes the crumpled paper out of the trash can and unravels it, carrying it to…
ISAIAH’S ROOM
Where he sets it in a drawer full of other motivating papers written by his dad. He closes the drawer. GREAT TOUCH!
CLINK.
Isaiah looks under his bed.
ISAIAH
Hold on little buddy.
Under Isaiah’s bed, shrouded, a glass tank. Some THING SLITHERS, but its form remains veiled by the shadows.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A series of sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism with a handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save us all. OOH! NICE AND FORBODING!
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
THE TEENAGER’S ROOM
The coughing that dominated the room is supplanted by…
MOM
You’re not his doctor! You have no right!
Dr. Mick and Dr. Douglas rush in, finding…
Sully, readying a bronchoscope.
DR. MICK
Get away from my patient!
SULLY
You haven’t checked him today.
DR. MICK
I checked him yesterday you egotistical—
SULLY
That was yesterday, Mickey.
DR. DOUGLAS
Dr. Sullivan—
SULLY
If he’s infected—
DR. DOUGLAS
It’ll be Dr. Mick’s call.
SULLY
Mickey’s not doing his job.
DR. MICK
I’ve been with this poor boy for years!
Sully ignores his fellow physician, grabbing the gas mask to help put the poor teen to sleep.
MOM
(shoving Sully)
Get away from my son!
SULLY
Your son could kill us all if he’s infected.
MOM
He’s not infected!
SULLY
If I don’t check every single passenger on this colony, if even one gets through, your son isn’t the only one who pays you selfish bitch! NICE TAKING SULLY TO THE EDGE.
MANAGER (O.S.)
Sully! My office! Now!
Sully grips the bridge of his nose.
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY
Sir, if I may—
MANAGER
Just a second.
Sully observes his boss flip through each document with such ferocity that it sounds like the kinetic blasting of an automatic gun. I SUGGEST TIGHTENING THIS DECRIPTION. I DON’T GET THE METAPHOR. SUGGEST: SULLY’S BOSS FLIPS THROUGH THE DOCUMENTS WITH THE ABPLOMB OF A CARD DEALER. OR?
MANAGER
One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY
It’s the total pop—
MANAGER
It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY
It’s based on—
MANAGER
Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.
SULLY
You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER
It’s not politics. It’s you making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
SULLY
How is keeping us safe from those things a mockery?
MANAGER
You authorize a bronchoscopy for every patient, whether they come in for shingles or a boo-boo on the knee!
SULLY
I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that I’m doing everything I can to keep my son safe—
MANAGER
Sullivan, you never see your son! You’re in here for damn near eighteen hours a day—
SULLY
Doing my job! The job that someone, maybe me, didn’t do that got my wife killed!
Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, reloading for a verbal fire-at-will.
MANAGER
Let me make this perfectly clear to you. Now, I get that you’ve lost a loved one. Many have. It’s space. You signed off on those risks when you agreed to help colonize a newly terraformed planet for the betterment of our species. You know what else you signed off on? Collateral.
SULLY
Sir?
MANAGER
If I’m not convinced that you’ll be a team player, I will have the Hegemony take that son you never see and relieve you.
(grabbing his desk phone)
So, what’s it going to be?
Sully considers his next words, like he’s about to be checkmated.
SULLY
You’re right. I’ll be more considerate to protocol. This is space, and the Hegemony can’t have a rogue doctor that makes his patients uneasy.
The Manager smiles, glee with victory.
SULLY
But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.
MANAGER
Let me ask you something. Do you think you could take on the Hegemony? You see, Sul, I don’t think you understand.
He begins dialing…
MANAGER
This hurts me more than it does you.
The wail of a siren slashes through the tension between the two, each shifting their attention to its source.
MANAGER
Meeting adjourned.
Both men make a break for the door.
Manager cuts in front of Sully, pushing him aside, before standing in the door.
MANAGER
This isn’t over.
Sully’s fist nails his Manager’s jaw, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!
SULLY
(jumping over manager)
I hope you’re right.
GREAT TWIST AT END. SEEMS SULLY HAS ACQUIESED TO HIS BOSS AND THEN BAM! LIKE IT A LOT!
-
Lisa,
Writing is rewriting, yes? You have a great story, sure to sell!
Dev
-
June! As always, I’d be grateful if you did! My version 2 is already up.
best,
Dev
-
That’s a big YES my brilliant Cameron! My version 2 is already up. I believe it’s the second one posted.
best!
Dev
-
Lisa, my notes are in BOLD.
FADE UP
EXT-SENECA FALLS, NY
UNDER THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
It is a frightening night. Thunder and lightning and pouring cats & dogs. The rocky river below the bridge is running fast. We see two figures hanging by a rope off the bridge. They appear to be tied together. The MAN dressed in a white robe like an angel, is passed out and dangling from the other MAN. No wait! The other figure is a WOMAN. She’s trying to pull up the MAN to get a better grip on him but he’s dead weight. We close in on the WOMAN who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall.
WOMAN
They say when you’re near death, your life flashes before you, I’m dangling here wondering what will happen to my family if I don’t get out of this. Especially since the passed-out guy below me is my husband. What would happen if I weren’t here?
She looks down at the MAN.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
How do you save a war hero who hasn’t gotten his wings yet?
Mary’s cell phone rings. She digs for it under her soaking wet life jacket. She answers the call and speaks as though nothing is wrong.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
I can’t talk now, sweetie.
PROVOCATIVE OPENING! LOVE HOW DANGEROUS IT IS AND THEN MARY BEING SO BENIGN ON THE PHONE!
The woman hangs up and stuffs the phone back into her life jacket. The rope jerks and falls! She looks up at the rope but can’t see anything through the torrential rain.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
Well, this is what I do. (yelling) I’m a mother in America! WONDERFUL DISTINGUISHING CHARACTER LINE! I CAN RELATE!
The woman throws her arms out and lets the rain fall.
WOMAN (CONTINUED)
Like all mothers, I work my ass off every day to convince everyone around me, and sometimes myself, that it really is a wonderful li…
Snap! The rope breaks and the woman and man fall out of view of the camera
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
…iiiiiife!! THIS FIRST PAGE HAS HOOKED ME TOTALLY. GREAT JOB! I FULLY UNDERSTAND THE DISTINGUISHING TRAITS OF YOUR PROTAGONIST.
FADE OUT
(NOTE: END OF OPENING)
SLOW FADE IN SHOWS EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY-DAY
WOMAN (VOICEOVER)
Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…
We recognize this voice as the voice of the WOMAN hanging from the bridge.
SHOTS OF MAIN STREET DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls.” For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it. Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme…
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)
THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM
There are people walking around town, going in and out of the buildings, but they’re all in summer clothing. It’s hot in December!
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)
SMALL POINT BUT SLUGLINES ARE WRITTEN LIKES THIS: EXT. SENECAL FALLS – NY – CONTINUOUS. CONTINUED V.O.’S ARE WRITTEN AS (V.O.-CONT’D)
AGAIN, JUST SMALL STUFF BUT AS A FORMER SCRIPT ANALYST/READER FOR FILM COMPANIES, WE DID PAY ATTENTION TO IF WRITERS UNDERSTOOD CORRECT FORMATING…
THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
Well, the church marks the end of Main Street, except if you look across the way you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…
You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the past 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.
Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. I tried to get out of it, but no one else wanted the job. Well, except for Violet. I COULDN’T let Violet have it. She’s been after everything “ME” since kindergarten. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me. So, I have no choice but to suck it up and put on the best darned festival ever!
SHOT OF THE FRONT OF THE IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE MUSEUM
SHOT OF THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE
BE CAREFUL WITH ADDING ‘SHOT OF…’ IT’S DIRECTORIAL, WHICH WE WRITERS NEED TO AVOID. SUGGEST TRYING: “WE SEE OR “IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE’S MUSEUM LOOMS LARGE ON A STREET CORNER…
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
Oh no. There it is. Do you recognize the George Bailey bridge? 3 years ago, I saved my husband Peter from death under that bridge. We separated shortly after that event. The George Bailey bridge sits in the middle of town and haunts us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…
CUT TO
SHOT OF THE STREET WHERE WOMAN LIVES. OVER OPENING CREDITS.
WOMAN (V.O. CONTINUES)
This is the street where I live. I’m Mary Winters, Mary Mills-Winters. Born and raised in this one-horse, close-knit town in upstate New York.
MOVE SLOWLY DOWN THE ROW OF OLD VICTORIAN HOMES
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
The one thing I always wanted to be I am not. A world traveler. Before I could read, I would live under the covers with my mom’s copy of National Geographic magazine. Staring at incredible photos of faraway lands and pledging that I would see for myself whatever escape was featured each week.
EXT- MARY’SHOUSE-DAY
Two girls in t-shirts and shorts and a dachshund are running around the lawn.
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
After I graduated from high school, I was ready to start my journeys. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what to do, but Peter and I decided we wanted the baby, so I deferred my traveling dreams. I had Ruthie whom now I wouldn’t trade for the world, literally. Or Janie who came two years later.
INT- MARY’S FOYER-DAY
Mary’s house is a beautifully remodeled old Victorian with all the details, but with a modern touch…think a Nancy Meyers film set. Many travel photos and posters line the walls. (as in IAWL).
INT-MARY’S KITCHEN-DAY
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
I still dream of far-off places. My daughters often ask where I go when I stare into space. I’m in New Zealand or in India or on safari in Africa.
Mary speaks directly into the camera breaking the fourth wall again.
MARY
(holding a pan of hot Christmas cookies)
But then I snap out of it and with my feet firmly planted here in Seneca Falls, I’m focusing on the light of Christmas.
Mary holds up the cookies to the camera. Then looks around where every surface in the kitchen is covered with Christmas treats: cookies, cakes, pies, candies.
MARY (CONTINUED)
And along with the other Christmas man Santa Claus, I try to see everyone and make miracles happen for them.
(THIRD PAGE TWIST – Mary is not going off to exotic locations but stays in town to try to make life work focusing on helping everyone else).
I THINK YOU CAN MAKE THE TWIST STRONGER. IT’S THERE BUT I HAD TO GO BACK AND RE-READ TO REALLY GET ITHAT IT WAS A STRONG TWIST. MAYBE WE SEE HER DAY-DREAMING OF HERSELF CLIMBING MOUNTAINS OR SAILING THE OCEANS, THEN CONTRAST THAT TO REAL LIFE IN HER KITCHEN, BAKING. TAKE IT TO THE EXTREME? SHE’S SWINGING ACROSS A RAVINE, HOLDING A TREASURE, MAKES IT TO THE OTHER SIDE, SETS IT DOWN… CUT TO: HER SETTING DOWN COOKIES?
Mary puts down the cookies and goes to the front door. She yells outside.
MARY
Girls, Uncle Billy! Breakfast!
Mary has prepared breakfast and is clearing the clutter on the table for her daughters. Mary stops and looks at her mother’s photo on the wall. RUTHIE, a smart and wise 9-year-old and JANIE, a sensitive and kind 7-year-old enter singing their version of “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which goes, “I want a pretty platypus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs. Uncle Billy, their dachshund barks at them as though he’s singing along. Ruthie has her tablet under her arm.
MARY
(smiling) That is not how the song goes.
RUTHIE
Yeah, but we like platypus’s better!
JANIE
Yeah!
Janie holds up her stuffed platypus.
MARY
Okay, if you day so.
The girls take their seats and Mary places their breakfasts of waffles and ice cream on the table. After all, it’s hot outside. Uncle Billy goes over to his bowl in the corner and eats his dog food.
MARY (CONTINUED)
No tablets at the table, Ruthie.
RUTHIE
I know, but it’s not working right. Santa isn’t moving.
MARY
I’ll take a look at it. You eat.
Mary sits and looks at the tablet. She sees Ruthie is on the NORAD site. Mary sees a message on the top of the site that states “Santa’s journey begins on the 23rd of December”.
MARY (CONTINUED)
It’s not the tablet. Let’s give it another day.
RUTHIE
Can daddy fix it?
MARY
Daddy doesn’t work there anymore, honey. We’ll check tomorrow. That reminds me. (looking at her phone) I need to call your father to see if he’s coming over for Christmas.
Mary puts her phone down and gets serious.
MARY (CONTINUED)
Look girls. I don’t think we can count on your dad for Christmas.
RUTHIE
What do you mean?
JANIE
(getting anxious) He’s coming, isn’t he?
MARY
Well, I want to be honest with you…I’m not sure. He’s been unpredictable lately. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.
Janie hangs her head and Ruthie has a mad look come over her face.
MARY (CONTINUED)
BUT! We are going to have the best Christmas ever with Joseph!
RUTHIE
(half-heartedly) Sure.
JANIE
It’s not the same without daddy.
They sit in silence. Mary’s not sure what to say next. She gets a wet cloth and wipes Janie’s face that is smeared with ice cream.
MARY
You like Joe, don’t you?
RUTHIE
He’s nice.
Janie shakes her head yes. Ruthie pulls away as Mary tries to wipe her face too.
MARY
Then we are going to make the best of whatever situation we have this Christmas. What do you want for Christmas?
RUTHIE
To stay in Seneca Falls. When can we tell daddy that we’re moving?
MARY
I think it’s best that we wait until after Christmas to tell anyone. Now pinky swear that you will keep our secret.
RUTHIE
Okay, mom.
JANIE
Yeah.
Mary, Ruthie, and Janie put their pinky fingers together. And as they break…
MARY, RUTHIE, JANIE
Hee haw!
(TWIST: Mary has a secret; plans to move out of town after the festival, but only the girls know it. NOTE: Hee haw is a reference from IAWL) THIS SEEMS A BIT WEAK. I LIKE SHE HAS A SECRET THAT GETS REVEALED BUT IS THERE A STRONGER WAY THAN HER JUST MENTIONING IT?
MARY
Don’t you think your grandmother would want us to have a cheery Christmas?
Mary looks at the photo of her mother on the wall. The girls look at it too.
MARY (CONTINUED)
She always said, “Christmas comes but once a year, so make it a wonderful one!”
Mary clears some dishes. Janie goes over to Ruthie and sits in her seat with her. Mary looks at their sad faces.
MARY
Alright. Go upstairs and get ready for your last day of school! COULD THE TWIST COME HERE? I KNOW IT SOUNDS DISHONEST OF THEIR MOTHER BUT IT WOULD BE A SURPRISE. THE GIRLS COULD REMARK SOMETHING AKIN TO, “IT’S NOT OUR ‘LAST’ DAY OF SCHOOL, MOM, IT’S JUST CHRISTMAS VACATION.” THIS COULD CATCH MARY UP. SHE HASN’T TOLD THEM YET THAT SHE’S PLANNING ON MOVING…. SHE COULD EVEN COVER BUT WE SEE SOMETHING’S UP? JUST A SUGGESTION!
Ruthie and Janie run out of the room and up the staircase. Uncle Billy stares at Mary.
MARY
You too, Uncle Billy!
Uncle Billy runs up the stairs too.
CUT TO
INT-JENKINS BOARDING HOUSE KITCHEN-MORNING
MA JENKINS is an 81-year-old Black woman whose roadmap of a face shows her years of hardship. She’s at the 1960’s gold stove whipping up a hearty breakfast for her main guest. Enter PETER WINTERS, a tall 40-year-old, the man Mary saved from drowning years prior, and Mary’s brooding ex-husband who is also a war veteran. He wears a t-shirt and long khakis. SKIPPER ABLE is Ma’s curious Opie-like 5-year-old grandson whom Ma is watching for the day. As Peter enters the kitchen…
MA
Skip! Stand up.
SKIPPER
Why?
MA
(hitting Skipper’s arm) Stand up, a war hero is entering the room.
PETER
Good morning.
MA
(under her breath)
Skip.
SKIPPER
Good morning.
MA
(scoldingly) Good morning, what?
SKIPPER
(exaggerating) Good morning, SIR.
PETER
Please sit down.
Ma glares at Skipper as if to say, “don’t you dare!”
Peter sits at the old wooden wobbly table on the bench side against the milky window of the tiny kitchen. The old Victorian still looks as it did at the turn of the last century. It needs loads of remodeling, starting with the kitchen.
MA
(to Skipper) You may sit now.
Skipper sits in the chair at the end of the table. Skipper stares at Peter. Ma places Peter’s breakfast of eggs, sausage, and toast in front of him. Then serves Skipper. Peter pushes the eggs around…he really doesn’t like to eat breakfast, but he does it to show respect for Ma.
PETER
Good as always, Ma
MA
Glad you like it. You have work today?
PETER
I’m heading over to Mr. Reed to work on his porch and Mrs. Thomas asked me to stop by to look at her lawn. I’ll probably stop at the rectory to see if pastor Frank needs anything too.
MA
Sounds like a busy day. I’ll fill a thermos with cold water for ya. I don’t remember a December so hot in all my life!
PETER
Thanks, Ma.
MA
Oh, I almost forgot to give you your mail.
Ma takes the pink envelope out of her apron pocket and hands it to Peter. Peter stares at it frozen, petrified. Skipper leans up on the table.
(NOTE: Part 1 of INCITING INCIDENT. Peter receives notice that he’s about to lose his business) I’M THINKING THIS CAN’T BE THE INCITING INCIDENT UNLESS HE READS THE LETTER NOW.
SKIPPER
Well, aren’t ya going to open it?
PETER
I’ve got to head over to Mr. Reed’s. Thanks for the breakfast, Ma.
MA
You’re welcome. If you get hungry later, I’m making chili in case we get company.
Ma motions to Skipper to stand up. Skipper rolls his eyes, but slowly, loudly pushes his chair away from the table and stands. Feeling embarrassed about the pink envelope, Peter stuffs the envelope in his pants pocket. Ma hands him a thermos with a long strap and he throws it over his arm. Peter busses his place taking his dishes to the sink. Then hurries out the back screen door.
SKIPPER
(Looking out the back door) Why’s he always in such a hurry?
MA
He’s a busy man, helping out people every day in this town.
Ma comes to the back door and looks out too. The old Victorian house is set way back from the street with a long walk. They watch Peter slowly going down the walk reading his letter.
MA (CONTINUED)
I sure hope he can get his shop working again. (turning to Skipper) You take note Skip, there goes a brave man who has sacrificed for many, a war hero, a conscientious father, a friend to all. Don’t matter that he’s fallen on hard times. Happens to the best of us.
Ma leans down to Skipper and pauses to take in his youthful face…she smiles.
MA (CONTINUED)
He is loved.
Ma kisses Skipper’s nose.
MA (CONTINUED)
Now get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper starts off down the hallway toward the front foyer and the staircase, then turns around and scurries back to the kitchen when there’s a knock on the back door screen. Ma opens the screen door. Skipper hangs out the door to see who’s there. A disheveled and dirty HOBO is standing there in a torn coat with a plastic trash bag in his hands. He appears to be of some ethnicity, but it’s hard to tell below the dirtiness. It is common for those jumping the rails to stop by because of Ma’s famous hospitality.
HOBO
Ma’am. I heard you could give a man something to eat if I knocked on your door.
MA
No one is turned away here. (Hands the man a hand towel) Wash up out there and leave your bag.
(to Skipper)
What did I tell you? Get upstairs and get ready for school.
Skipper runs up the front stairs. The man goes to a garden hose and washes up. He stands at the back door waiting for permission to enter.
MA (CONTINUED)
Come on in and sit down now.
HOBO
Ma’am, I can’t pay.
MA
No matter. Come on in. No one goes hungry at Ma Jenkin’s!
CUT TO
EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY
Peter is on Ma’s front walk. He rips open the pink envelope and pulls out the letter. Peter’s face falls and he tears up as he reads it.
CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER
The line that is highlighted like in an old movie is “Mr. Winters you have until December 25<sup>th</sup> to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”
EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY
Peter is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. He steps off the curb and tires screech!
Mary has slammed on the brakes of her SUV.
INT-SUV-DAY
MARY
(Jolting forward) Jesus!
JANIE
Mom!
MARY
Are you alright?
Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.
MARY
Stay in the car!
As Mary jumps out of the SUV…
JANIE AND RUTHIE
(Yelling and waving through the windshield) Dad! Hi Daddy! We miss you! I love you, daddy!
MARY
Jiminy Christmas, Peter! I almost ran over you!
PETER
(stunned) Oh. Wow.
Seeing his daughters in the SUV, Peter lightly waves at them.
MARY
What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?
PETER
Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.
Mary notices the letter in his hand.
MARY
Is that the bad news?
Mary tries to snatch it. Peter stuffs it in his pocket.
PETER
Never you mind.
MARY
What is it?
PETER
You never seem to get it. (In her face) We’re not together anymore.
Peter walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.
MARY
(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!
Ruthie and Janie jump out of the car and into their dad’s arms.
JANIE
Hi Daddy!
RUTHIE
Daddy, how are you?
Peter tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in his eyes because of the bad news he just got. Mary paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Peter.
PETER
I miss you little ladies.
RUTHIE
We miss you too.
Peter sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.
PETER
What are you doing?
RUTHIE
We’re waiting for Santa to fly.
Peter takes the tablet and stares at the main page of the NORAD site where Santa’s journey around the world is tracked every year. He recognizes the site because he worked at NORAD when he was in the military before being shipped off to war.
PETER
NORAD. I remember that site well.
JANIE
Daddy, how does Santa get down all those chimneys?
PETER
Well…I don’t know baby.
Peter hands the tablet back to Ruthie.
MARY
Pete, can I speak to you for a second? Please?
PETER
Be good at school today little ladies.
Peter kisses each girl on their head. Ruthie and Janie jump back into the SUV.
JANIE
When will we see you again?
PETER
Soon baby.
RUTHIE
Promise?
PETER
I promise.
Peter closes the SUV sliding door as if he’s closing the door to his heart. He meanders to the front of the vehicle where Mary is waiting.
MARY
Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.
Peter nonchalantly glances at his pocket.
PETER
I can’t commit to anything right now.
MARY
Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school.
Mary stops and stares at Peter wondering if he’s slipped back into a deep depression. Then she addresses the camera, breaking the fourth wall again.
MARY
I’ve known this guy since I was 14. I always know when something is up with him. I will find out.
Mary remembers what she’s doing…
MARY
We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.
Mary starts to walk away, then turns back around.
MARY (CONTINUED)
(in pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?
PETER
I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. YOU, IXNAY on ANTA A!
They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.
MARY
Okay wise guy.
Mary hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starts the vehicle and as she drives away…
MARY (CONTINUED)
(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!
Peter standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech behind him! Peter jumps and turns around.
ERNIE
(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Pete! Get out of the street!
PETER
Sorry, Ernie!
Peter crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly. Peter takes the letter out of his pocket and looks at it once more.
PETER
(to himself)
NORAD. Santa. Hmm.
Peter stares at Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House as he puts the letter back in his pocket.
PETER
(to himself)
I’m going to fix that place up one of these days. (conjuring a thought) But first…I’ve got to get my business and family back.
Peter trots off down the street with a renewed pep.
FADE OUT
(NOTE: Part 2 of INCITING INCIDENT. Peter declares that he’s going to get his business and family back)
I THINK THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE OF A TWIST OR HOOK AT THE END OF YOUR TEN PAGES TO MAKE US WANT TO KEEP READING TO FIND OUT WHAT’S NEXT. SINCE PETER ALMOST LOST HIS LIFE DANGLING OVER A BRIDGE BEFORE, DOES HE RETURN TO THAT BRIDGE WITH HIS LETTER AND LOOK OVER THE SIDE…? LITERALLY, I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU LEAVE US DANGLING AS VIEWERS AND WANT TO COME BACK TO SEE WHAT PETER DOES.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ALL IN ALL, I LOVE YOUR STORY, FIND IT HEARTWARMING AND MARY IS A HOOT!
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>DEV
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Hi Alice. Sadly, first time I’ve read your fascinating work! Here are a few of my comments, written in BOLD. Best! Dev
OPENING SCENE:
‘Ongoing Experiment checking on how artificial nano-death works.’
LIFE STREAM moves ahead. Enclosed space. Current jumps over similarity of 3D objects. IT SNAPS. (Signal is Given.) Fork on its Way. Instead of ahead, LIFE STREAM turns left. Digitized Block walls on its way separate and move aside in symmetry, unveiling similarity of landscape. Life Stream gulfing into “open”.
We move upper into grey space.
QUESTION IN MALE VOIE(V.O.)
What new qualities did you acquire?
ANSWER IN FEMALE VOICE(V.O.)
I can move walls apart!
VERY POVOCATIVE OPENING! IMMEDIATELY GRABBED MY INTEREST.
EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Aerial view of the city. On flat roof of old-fashioned residential building is a squared basin.
Just caught fish sparkles under sunrays.
Hands disattach it from fishing line, and we see this blond male sitting on the edge of the basin, pants rolled up, dropping feet into water.
JUDGE (O.S.)
That is a FISH! He caught it!
Quite near from the basin on the chair is old man with four year old girl on his lap. JUDGE (73), looking spectacular at his old age and tall height, all-polished, polite, obviously intelligent, and kind to his granddaughter he attends to.
INCITING INCIDENT: AS TO MY EXPERIENCE, INCITING INCIDENTS APPEARS TO HAPPEN WITHOUT THE PROTAGONIST’S KNOWLEDGE. DOESN’T WORK FOR ME.
Digital image on the screen of small plane icon, with trace line showing it crossing water plane from one shore to another.
View widens, and we can see that is not Earth globe, though resembles. Two archipelagoes are as if reversed, with small piece of island at equator, there are no ice at poles, and long peninsula runs at South of Eastern hemisphere.
Plane travels above at the North from right to left.
View widens farther on, and we see this small digital screen fixed on the back of one of the chairs, and we are on the plane, now in the air.
This is…
Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth count.
North of Miropolis. Plane crosses from their Far East, Hawaii-like resort area back to Eastern shore of Western Hemisphere. Just some strip of Ocean water.
PILOT (O.S.)
Free citizens of the WEST! We are experiencing slight weather trouble due to the Northern winds, please remain seated. Landing on East Shore of Miropolis in about one and a half hours supposedly.
Really, plane shakes a bit, moving up and down under winds.
THANAKH, (34), middle-height, light-haired, even-tempered, as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal, Scientist working at Research Institute, travels back with his girlfriend KIAT (27), subtle attractive brunet, her skin darkened under sun they spent weekend under.
THANAKH
Kiat, awake, we are home!
Kiat awakes, pulls out cosmetic mirror, and puts on lipstick, making her lips really dark red.
She glances on Thanakh, and they hold hands, trying to make it less visible, and looking away from each other. LOVELY VISUAL DESCRIPTION OF THEIR ATTEMPT TO HIDE THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – DAY
Small but cozy one-room apartment of Thanakh, which combines bedroom, guest room with a screen, and office with computer, is submerged in dusk.
Thanakh enters. Phone rings. He picks it up.
THANAKH
Hello!
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Did you receive documentation?
THANAKH
Yes.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You have to be prepared to speak tomorrow!
THANAKH
It’s done. Are you sure it went thru?
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
You had to read it already!
SHORT AFTER
Thanakh switches comp on, and gets to window, displaying files, all reports from labs quarter work he needs to speak of at tomorrow’s meeting. He opens first file, and makes printout, as he reads it briefly on screen.
INT. PROTAGONIST’S APARTMENT – NIGHT –
SLUGLINE ABOVE: SUGGEST HAVING CHARACTER’S NAME INSTEAD OF PROTAGONIST.
One of the files appears to be dark, he cannot open it. It belongs to report on ANAUPSH lab, her name typed above.
Thanakh clicks on it a few times, then relaxes back on a chair. RELAXES? IF HE’S DISTURBED BY IT BEING DAMAGED, PERHAPS A BETTER DESCRIPTIVE WORD THAN “RELAXES” WHICH IMPLIES EASE NOT TENSION.
THANAKH
Damaged!
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Empty night street. Thanakh jumps into taxi to run to Research Institute, where he can retrieve that file.
EXT. BEFORE GATES OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Sideway of RI, where there is security check.
Thanakh jumps out of taxi, running inside.
INT. LOBBY OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Thanakh runs inside past security. He doesn’t stop to check.
SECURITY GUY
In a hurry?
THANAKH
File doesn’t open.
Goes on his way.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Dark desolated office.
Thanakh switches comp on, opens file, an attempts to print it, but printer is lacking paper.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Thanakh unlocks wall cabinet, searching for printing paper.
Voice at the back.
NIGHT GUARD (O.S.)
What are you doing in here?
THANAKH
And you?
Thanakh turns around to face Night Guard. Night Guard drops gun down.
NIGHT GUARD
Ahh, this is you!
THANAKH
Don’t play on my nerves, don’t stay at my back.
Guard walks away down the corridor.
Thanakh pulls out box with printing paper, and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy.
There is some weakness in the way he walks down the dark corridor, illuminated only by blue light out of windows. As if he is an expected pray (SP) (PREY0 and is doomed.
Shouts to his back.
THANAKH
Hey!
Night Guard doesn’t turn, instead making pacifying gesture with his hand, still holding weapon down. And continues his relaxed night walk.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Thanakh continues on files, as radiophone beeps. It prints in red dots on small display ‘I LOVE YOU’. This is message from Kiat.
Thanakh continues to work. And falls asleep right there at the desk.
INT. SOMEONE’S BEDROOM – MORNING
Alarm works. Man jumps from bed.
INT. OFFICE – MORNING
Thanakh looks down into window, he can see this man, one of lab workers, coming. Kiat is still not there.
INT. CORRIDOR OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – MORNING
Amid couple of others, Thanakh walks down noisy corridor of Research Institute, holding his documents. He keeps glancing over them, as if suspicious over something in printout of that file.
Woman of rather small height passes him, walking at another direction. He turns after her, looking at her back.
THANAKH
Is it Anaupsh?
FIRST TURNING POINT: SUGGEST THAT FIRST TURNING POINT COME NEAR END OF FIRST ACT.
Thanakh’s lab. A couple of workers, mostly young, and girls, in white lab attires. Thanakh looks around.
THANAKH
Where is Kiat?
He receives back conspicuous glances from girls around, hiding jealousy, saying silently how he is cheated over man.
INT. STORAGE ROOM – MORNING
Dark figures on background of day-light windows of small storage room. Anaupsh violently fights Kiat.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Thanakh calls Kiat. She doesn’t pick it up, and he leaves a message.
THANAKH
Kiat, you weren’t at the lab today. Call me!
INT. THANAKH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Signal of Digital Clock on the wall, its disc white on the left and black on the right, representing two Archipelagoes, to indicate global time.
ARTIFICIAL VOICE (O.S.)
TIME of MIROPOLIS has STOPPED!
Arrows holt.
Thanakh worn out rests on the sofa. Awaken by signal, he glances at his wrist watch.
Digital Display with small window on top, showing Seconds and Minutes counting extra time.
Kiat didn’t call back.
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh visits Kiat’s apartment.
Comes, rings door bell.
Door nearby opens, middle-aged woman in there. Looks with a smile.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She doesn’t live here anymore.
Thanakh gives her questioning look.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
She didn’t appear for two nights.
Those might be two nights they spent on the weekend! What a lie!
INT. LANDING BEFORE KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Thanakh comes back, and calls the door of that neighbor. Silence, then steps.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
What do you need?
Seeing expression on Thanakh’s face, she recalls what’s that about, and smiles, enjoying the process.
THANAKH
Did she turn in? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS PHRASE.
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
No, she left.
Thanakh glances back at the door.
THANAKH
Did she gather her stuff?
WOMAN NEIGHBOR
Yes.
She’s perceptibly lying.
INT. KIAT’S APARTMENT – DAY
Kiat’s one-room apartment, with shadowed windows, neatly kept, but few things, bearing signs of her leaving at the morning. Open door of a closet. Jumper thrown on the bed.
Entrance door cracks, pressed from outside. Lock gives in.
LATER
A couple of policemen under chief, accompanied by Thanakh.
POLICE CHIEF
Women leave.
THANAKH
She didn’t take clothes.
POLICE CHIEF
Do you have in mind, where she could go?
THANAKH
No. She needs reappear at her working place!
POLICE CHIEF
Maybe, she flied across the boundary?
THANAKH
Without clothes, money, and documents?
Police Officer looks around apartment, as if searching for the answer, but missing it.
INT. AUDITORY – DAY
Crowd of RI workers sits in ascending rows, under bluish-colored wall. Every face is distinct.
Thanakh stands some distance before them, lecturing.
THANAKH
We have here conditions for working on science, on our subject. These conditions are supposed to be comfortable, so that we could address, occupy, dedicate to our ongoing researches, working and learning. This is a place for juniors and interns to get education. I would confess how I mostly am connected to the research of my lab I’m a head of. And maybe paying not enough attention, or not follow closely enough what is ongoing at jointed labs. Still, I am genuinely aggravated that no one pays attention at a fact person has disappeared. If someone would work day after day for a period, short or long, I would at least ask the question, where is he going, or where did he went? We’ve got so many lab workers. I personally cannot keep track of all of them. But I cannot mark not who is present at my own lab who’s absent, because I need’em. How come no one questions Kiat’s absence? She was working on regular basis non-stop, dedicating to research and education, like all of you. And honestly, friends, I just don’t understand your indifference!
Thanakh stops with an air of translucency.
ALARM MAN
I’ve seen her that day.
Everyone looks at him. Man gets awkward.
ALARM MAN
I could’ve make a mistake. It was still dark then.
THANAKH
Did someone else disappear?
ADMINISTRATOR
Few people took leave from us.
THANAKH
Who are these?
ADMINISTRATOR
These are such, such, and such…
THANAKH
Did they submit documentation?
Administrator hesitates.
ADMINISTRATOR
It seems to me, I’ve seen one of it.
INT. RESIDENTIAL – DAY
Protagonist comes by the address of one of men who took leave. NOT APPROPRIATE TO USE ‘PROTAGONIST.’ SUGGEST USING CHARACTER’S NAME.
Thanakh rings the bell. Door nearby opens. Man and woman behind it, sober faces.
THANAKH
Did he appear in here?
MAN
He left, not turning in. I DON’T UNDERSTAND “NOT TURNING IN.’
Woman speaks, deeply offended.
WOMAN
We lived nearby of him for two years, he left not saying goodbye.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Middle-aged man talks quickly to Thanakh, leaning across table. He’s desperate. His face red and white from emotion. Hopelessness in his eyes deep, as a precipices.
DISTURBED MAN
My wife had disappeared. Please, look for her!
Shows a picture, a photograph. Desperate. Photo trembles in his shaking hands.
DISTURBED MAN
Here, please, take a look. She was working for you.
Thanakh dismisses him with calm gesture.
THANAKH
She probably was killed. Few people disappeared here. Don’t come in here anymore!
INT. SOCIAL SERVICES – EVENING
Thanakh is waiting to see an officer. He looks street side via window. Changes his mind, and walks away.
EXT. STREET PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Thanakh walks past long wall with slogan ‘WEST is ADVANTAGE. GET SEPARATION’ on it in huge letters.
At the start of slogan, huge photograph of smiling with assurance male is cut vertically on two equal parts.
Thanakh reaches phone booth, and dials his number.
RECEPTIONIST
ORGANIZATION. Officer in charge speaking.
THANAKH
This is Thanakh.
RECEPTIONIST
And what is your report?
THANAKH
No. I didn’t change my mind. I actually want ask you a question.
RECEPTIONIST
We don’t give answers for free. For the answer you need to pay back with report. Till next time!
Line disconnects. THOUGH I HAD SOME DIFFICULTLY UNDERSTANDING SOME OF YOUR DIALOGUE DUE TO LANGUAGE, I WAS TOTALLY ENGAGED AND HAVE BEEN LEFT WANTING TO READ MORE! MY BIGGEST COMMENT IS THAT THE INCITING INCIDENT IS UNSEEN BY THE PROTAGONIST AND ONLY BY THE AUDIENCE. FOR ME, THAT CHOICE DOES NOT WORK. ALSO, YOUR TURNING PLOT WAS MORE OF A PLOT POINT.
VERY INTERESTING ATMOSPHERE AND GREAT DESCRIPTIONS – THOUGH SOMETIMES AWKWARD DUE TO LANGUAGE DIFFERENCES. I ALSO LOVE THE DARK, ESTRANGED MOOD OF YOUR STORY. VERY EFFECTIVE.
DEV
-
Kate,
Overall, I think you’ve laid out your story wonderfully. That said, I think it needs some trimming but first the first page:
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – THAT SAME EVENING
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of oak-trees.
RICH DESCRIPTION!
Seven young people(20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
CREATED A SENSE OF FUN AND WHIMSY.
Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.
SUGGEST NOT GIVING AWAY SHE DOESN’T FEEL WELL. “COME ON NIA, JUST GET UP AND GET OUT HERE”
He stops and leans in.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a 23 year-old elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
GREAT LOOK TO HER, SAYS SO MUCH ABOUT HER. UNIQUE CHARACTER
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
LINE IS TOO ON THE NOSE. OTN. FEELS SARCASTIC? COULD SHE PLAY AGAINST HER SICKNESS?
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I’m OK. I’m Good.
THIS DOESN’T TAKE HER TO ‘HER EXTREME’ FOR THE FIRST FIVE PAGES. HOW ABOUT IF SHE EXCLAIMS THAT SHE’S FANTASTIC, NEVER BETTER?
Shaunn reaches to help, and as she takes his hand and starts up her eyes widen, she brings the towel up and vomits – a little, quietly. No fuss.
AGAIN, MORE EXTREME AS IN PROJECTILE VOMITING. #2 BE PROVOCATIVE, TAKE TO AN EXTREME.
SHAUNN
I’m impressed. You do that very quietly. NOW WHEN HE SAYS HE’S IMPRESSED – WELL SO AM I!
Nia nods, her head still over the towel.
SHAUNN
Practice, I guess. How many times this tour?
Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.
SHAUNN
That all? Seems like many more. I’D CUT “SEEMS LIKE MANY MORE.” HIS FIRST LINE IMPLIES HE KNOWS BETTER.
Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.
SHAUNN
That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.
Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.
NIA
That and I’m really good on stage.
SHAUNN
Especially as a raccoon.
Nia gives him the finger.
SHAUNN
How are you doing?
Nia shrugs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast. IS THIS LAST LINE OF ACTION NEEDED? DO WE SEE HER RECOVERING PROWESS LATER?
NIA
Oh, you know. Give me a minute. You got any water?
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
This is sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
She takes the water and tips it up.
THE ENDING IS HERE IS NOT A TWIST NOR DRIVES US INTO THE NEXT SCENE. IT NEEDS TO. REMEMBER IN FATAL ATTRACTION, BIG LOVE MAKING SCENE ENDING IN MURDER. EVEN IF NIA PROTESTS THAT SHE’S WELL THROUGH-OUT AND THEN PROJECTILE VOMITS.
EXT. A MEXICAN-STYLE HACIENDA PATIO – EARLY EVENING
In Southern CA, with an outdoor cooking area in full use.
LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life worn like a banner, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice and topped by an untamed black mane of hair is both on her cellphone and making tortillas.
LUCIANA
Si! Si! El es imposible! Un completo bastardo!
She swiftly turns some tortillas as she listens intently.
LUCIANA
Y ese sombrero malvado.
(reacts to the other person) DON’T NEED THIS. IT’S OBVIOUS SHE’S REACTING.
Si, it is an evil hat! Si, estoy haciendo tortillas.
She laughs.
LUCIANA
Por supuesto que sí. Come eat, manana. Nosotras podemos tramar un plan.
She is scooping the fresh tortillas out into a wicker basket. HADES her black Mexican Hairless dog strolls over to investigate. She energetically shoos him away. SHE ‘IS SCOOPING’ – GOOD TO GET RID OF WORDS THAT CAN BE GOTTEN RID OF! ‘SHE SCOOPS’ INSTEAD.
LUCIANA
No para ti – vete!
The dog barely moves away as Luciana picks up the basket of tortillas.
LUCIANA
No, estaba hablando con Hades. Oh, your Spanish is much better! You managed that entire conversation.
As she bangs through the screen door, she laughs again.
LUCIANA
Si. In English, I promise. Manana – we make the plan. Darrogh will not destroy us. On the grave de mi abuelo. Adiós por ahora.
She puts the phone down. Hades has slipped in after her and she absently gives him a piece of the tortilla she is nibbling and rubs his ears. Her face hardens in determination, even as her eyes are soft with tears.
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – CONTINUED
Nia is feeling better, standing, taking in the view. A bucolic field, still with a greenish tinge due to the stands of huge spreading oak-trees. LOVELY DESCRIPTION
NIA
This is… like nothing I’ve seen before.
SHAUNN
Yep! In 3 months on the road bringing live theatre to rural communities-
Nia digs him in the ribs.
NIA
Shaunn! You sound like a commercial.
SHAUNN
I wrote it, remember? DON’T GET HIS FIRST LINE. DID HE REALLY WRITE A COMMERCIAL FOR THEM? And I still can’t believe it! Making a living doing something I love, seeing places I didn’t know existed. Amazing summer.
NIA
(wistfully) USUALLY NOT A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE ACTING DIRECTION UNLESS ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL.
And it’s not over – yet. There’s still time…
Shaunn looks at her. He knows what she’s thinking. (She has been half-hoping maybe one of these places will be where her long absent father is.) YOUR ACTION LINE WRITTEN IN () ISN’T NEEDED. WE SHOULD DISCOVER THIS NOT BE TOLD THIS. IF YOU CAN’T SHOW IT NOW, DON’T SAY IT.
SHAUNN
(gently)
Yeah. You never know who’ll come around the corner.
Nia shakes off the mood and smiles brightly.
NIA
Can’t wait to meet the locals! Got a feeling about this place!
SHAUNN
You and those feelings!
NIA
Seriously – this last town? Gonna’
be spectacular!
She grins and hands back the water bottle. There are shouts from the rest of the troupe who are setting up camp.
NIA
Come on – set up camp time.
INT. LOCAL BAR – LATER THAT EVENING
Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica-topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn. (Members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)
Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)
A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.
NIA
It’s a setting for social drama. The young locals at the bar.
SARAH
The old couple over there.
MICHAEL
And we’re the out-of-towners, come to cause trouble!
SHAUNN
And we’ll never-ever leave!
AT THE BAR
IAN
Where are they staying?
DAVE
Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.
IAN
A shame her Grandpa lost that.
DAVE
He was cheated out of it.
IAN
Hard to prove with that slimey piece of work.
LUIS
I’d love to get it back.
IAN
Who wouldn’t?
LUIS
Take a miracle.
SUSAN
Here’s to miracles. They come in mysterious ways!
AT THE OTHER TABLE
SYLVIE
I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.
HAROLD
Is it one of those Shakespeare things?
SYLVIE
Yes, and you‘ll like it.
HAROLD
I never understand them.
FRANCIS
What one are they doing?
HAROLD
Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.
FRANCIS
That’s them over there. We can go ask.
SYLVIE
Oh yes. Come on.
She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over, Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, follows.
AT THE OTHER TABLE
MERCEDES
Here they come!
As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.
SYLVIE
Welcome! I’m Sylvie. Harold, my husband, and Francis.
The ‘standers’ all shake hands.
Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity in her lo-cut dress.
MERCEDES
I’m Mercedes.
Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.
SARAH
Sarah!
Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table to shake with whomever will take her hand. I THINK YOU CAN HAVE MORE FUN WITH THIS DESCRIPTION WHILE SHOWING MORE CHARACTER FOR NIA. HOW ABOUT SHE SHAKES HANDS WITH EVERY SINGLE PERSON VERY DELIBERATELY AS SHE DOES BELOW DIALOUGE?
NIA
Nia. We’re so happy to be here. It’s peaceful and timeless.
SYLVIE
Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.
TIM
Please, take a seat.
Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.
Curiosity and expectancy envelops them.
FRANCIS
Ready for the play?
SHAUNN
Absolutely!
HAROLD
Shakespeare, right? What play is it?
SARAH
Much Ado About Nothing’.
HAROLD
That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.
Dave, Ian, Susan and Luis arrive.
SUSAN
Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, Ian and Dave.
Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. More chairs are pulled up.
DAVE
Are you doing the play up in that field where you’re camped?
Michael nods. The locals exchange glances.
DAVE
Do you have a permit?
SARAH
We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.
The bar door flies open and Luciana blows in closely followed by Hades. She spots the crowd and heads right for them.
FRANCIS
Luciana!
He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.
Hades sits on it.
Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.
LUCIANA
Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores!
Nia turns, with a radiant smile. Luciana is stunned! She makes the sign of cross, as Shaunn offers Nia a beer.
LUCIANA
(muttering)
Santa Madre de Dios!
Dave gets into Luciana’s field of vision.
DAVE
Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?
Lucian pulls her attention back to Dave. There is a slight tension over the locals.
LUCIANA
Green field?
MERCEDES
The top of the hill? We were told we could camp there.
NIA
And do the show.
Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.
LUCIANA
I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.
SYLVIE
All?
LUCIANA
The ones who matter. I hope you are settled and comfortable?
NIA
Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.
LUCIANA
Tu hablas español?
NIA
Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.
LUCIANA
That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.
FRANCIS
Then look out!
Luciana claps her hands.
LUCIANA
A round on the town to welcome our guests.
Orders are given. People are chatting in smaller groups.
Francis pulls Luciana aside.
FRANCIS
You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.
LUCIANA
That’s why I said yes.
FRANCIS
Why did they ask you?
Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.
FRANCIS
That fake website?
LUCIANA
A site, some small print que los idiotas no ven.
Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia.
Sylvie has been watching and comes over to Francis.
SYLVIE
What’s she done now?
FRANCIS
A small win in her endless battle for the farm.
SYLVIE
And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.
FRANCIS
Not yet anyway.
A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.
CONTINUOUS – BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door. THIS COULD BE THE INCITING INCIDENT IF NIA SEES THIS AND IS IMMEDIATELY CURIOUS. TRIES TO FOLLOW HIM BUT HE’S GONE.
CONTINUOUS – THIS SEEMS A LONG TIME IN ONE SPOT – I SUGGEST LUCIANA NEEDS TO TAKE HADES OUT FOR A PEE, GRABS NIA TO GO WITH HER SO THEY CAN WALK, SEE SOME OF THE TOWN. IN ANY EVENT, LOCATION IS GETTING STATIC. PERHAPS AS THEY WALK – IF THEY DO – LUCIANA HAS BEERS TUCKED AWAY FOR THEM. THEY WALK AND DRINK.
Luciana has pushed her way to a far corner table, Hades at her heels, and is pulling (PULLS) Nia to sit with her at one of the two chairs, successfully blocking anyone else from joining them.
Nia is excited and happily accepts the Tecate beer Luciana offers her.
LUCIANA
Salud!
NIA-{
Salud!
Luciana is looking at Nia, but carefully.
LUCIANA
Is this your first time here, Nia?
NIA
Oh yes. It’s beautiful. Have you always lived here? NIA COULD SAY THIS BECAUSE SHE IS OUTSIDE STANDING IN THE BEAUTY.
LUCIANA
Most of my life, si. Where are you from?
NIA
East coast.
LUCIANA
You are very beautiful.
NIA
Oh, um. Thank you. You too. NOW THAT THEY ARE OUTSIDE, LUCIANA’S ABOVE LINE COULD MAKE NIA VERY NERVOUS. SHE MIGHT THINK LUC TOOK HER OUTSIDE TO HIT ON HER. IT WOULD MISLEAD THE AUDIENCE AS WELL FOR A SHORT TIME. MAYBE TO THROW LUC OFF, NIA COULD ASK IF SHE SAW THE GUY TAKE A PHOTO AND THEN LEAVE. LUC DIDN’T SEE IT…. ONLY IF YOU USE THAT AS AN INCITING INCIDENT.
LUCIANA
It is not always a good thing, is it?
NIA
It can be – challenging.
Luciana tosses her had back and laughs.
LUCIANA
I hate it!
Nia looks at her sharply. Then laughs too.
NIA
Me too!
Hades moves between them and stands looking at each.
LUCIANA
He likes you. Do you have a dog at home?
NIA
No, we didn’t have dogs when I grew up. Well, not later.. I do remember a dog. A long time ago.
LUCIANA
Cuando eras una niña?
NIA
My Spanish..
LUCIANA
When you were little. A child.
Nia is puzzled. There is a memory somewhere.
Hades nuzzles Nia’s lap asking her to rub his head.
NIA
May I?
LUCIANA
(nods)
I think you are stealing my dog.
Nia smiles. This dog makes her feel good.
LUCIANA
Perhaps he is like the dog you had when you were little?
NIA
I’m sure I’d remember. He is so unusual.
LUCIANA
Xoloitzcuintli – these dogs were considered sacred by the Aztecs and the Mayans. They have mystical powers to ward off evil spirits.
Nia is jolted.
NIA
They sometimes have hair…
LUCIANA
Yes.
Nia suddenly remembers that her mother had such a dog.
NIA
There was a dog… My mother.
LUCIANA
He was a gift to her?
Nia is a surprised and a bit uncomfortable.
NIA
Tell me about this town.
Luciana takes the hint.
LUCIANA
It is not what it was. There is a man who wants to destroy – us.
NIA
Who?
LUCIANA
A – developer. He cares only for what he owns. If he can’t own it then no-one can.
Hades licks Luciana’s hand. ALL THE MORE POWERFUL IF THEY ARE OUTSIDE, LOOKING AT THE BEAUTY OF THE PLACE.
NIA
He knows what you said. Like he wants to keep you safe.
LUCIANA
He is my guide to the underworld. I can go into the darkness and come out safely.
Nia smiles.
NIA
Maybe I’ll borrow him one day.
Nia is looking pensive.
LUCIANA
Come, we need a margarita. THIS COULD TAKE THEM BACK TO THE BAR, OR HEADED BACK.
NIA
I love them but they make my eyes water! Odd isn’t it?
Luciana knows for sure who she is now – her long-deceased friend’s daughter.
LUCIANA
It is. I only knew one other person who had that happen to her. She drank them anyway.
Nia laughs and relaxes.
NIA
I want to meet her! Come on! Let’s make my eyes water.
Nia stands shaking off the weird feelings she has.
LUCIANA
Si, mi dulce chica. I know – no Spanish. One day I tell you. Now – we find that margarita.
Nia suddenly hugs her.
NIA
BACK IN THE BAR – TOWNSFOLK COULD SEE THEM RE-ENTERING. THIS COULD SEND SIGNAL TO AUDIENE TO BE SUSPICIOUS OF LUC?
I think we’ll be friends. I’ll push my way to the bar. See you there.
She bounds off. Luciana watches her go, then turns to Hades now standing on the chair Nia just left.
LUCIANA
La he encontrado. But not to tell her yet. Not yet.
EXT.DARROGH’S HOUSE,OUTDOOR FLIGHT OF STEPS – SAME EVENING
A man (DARROGH) is standing alone in darkness, looking out over the landscape, down to where the town lights shine below him. He is silhouetted in the moonlight, a large broad-rimmed hat stark against the cream stone walls of his mansion.
EXT. THE FIELD, the stage – (SATURDAY) EVENING.
The play ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ is under way, a rapt audience. On stage an early scene is playing.
DON JON
Come, Home, let us thither. This may prove food to my displeasure. That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow. If I can cross him any will assist me?
BORACHIO
To the death, my lord.
A car drives up, lights on lo-beam, carefully not alerting the large crowd, and parks to the rear of the audience. Darrogh gets out and walks silently toward back of the audience as the play continues.
DON JOHN
Let us to the great supper. Their cheer is the greater that I am subdued. Would the cook were o’my mind! Shall we go prove what’s to be done?
BORACHIO
I’ll wait upon your Lordship.
They exit.
Enter Leonato, his brother, Hero his daughter (played by Nia), and Beatrice his niece, and Margaret.
LEONATO
Was not Count John here at supper?
BEATRICE
I saw him not. I never
can see him but I am heartburned an hour after.
HERO
He is of a very melancholy disposition.
At her words, Darrogh is startled and stares at her transfixed.
BEATRICE
He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick. The one is too like an image and says nothing, and the
other too like my lady’s eldest son, evermore tattling.
Nia (as Hero), moves across the stage to ‘Beatrice’ and they laugh together. Darrogh cannot take his eyes off her and through the following he is transported back.
LEONATO
Then half Signior Benedick’s tongue in Count John’s mouth, and half Count John’s melancholy in Signior Benedick’s face—
As the actors and voices fade, Darrogh is now fully out of this reality
FADE IN:
A MEMORY IMAGE.
Darrogh only sees his beautiful young wife, Amahla, from 25 years ago, laughing and coming toward him. She is clearly Nia’s mother.
FADE OUT:
EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – CONTINUOUS
Darrogh watches as the play continues.
LEONATO
(to Hero)
Well, I trust you will be ruled by your father.
Darrogh smiles, a sort of wonder and hope on his face.
BEATRICE
Yes, faith, it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy and say “Father, as it please you.” But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy and say “Father, as it please me.”
Darrogh shakes his head and smiles more broadly.
FADE TO:
EXT. THE FIELD, THE STAGE – LATER
The play is over and the cast stand on the stage taking their bows. As they step off the stage Bill comes to Nia with a note.
BILL
Miss? I was asked to give you this. THIS SEEMS TO BE YOUR INTENDED INCITING INCIDENT BUT IT FEELS LATE IN THE STORY.
He hands her the note.
NIA
Oh! From -?
BILL
My boss. He wants to – show you his house. And offer some, support for the company. In gratitude for you being here. The directions are written there.
Bill slithers off and Nia unfolds the note.
(READING)
“Do me the honor of coming to lunch tomorrow. The big house on the hill on your way out of town – you can’t miss it. We will see you at noon.”
Shaun comes over.
SHAUNN
GREAT show! What’s that?
NIA
An invitation! Lunch at that huge bloody great house on the hill.
SHAUNN
Are you going?
NIA
Of course! Told you I had a feeling.
She grins at him mischievously.
NIA
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll have my phone and it’s probably a couple of old people who want to support the arts. And I bet I can run faster than they can. Come on – let’s go celebrate and hey? Secret right? I don’t want to listen to Sarah go on about ‘why wasn’t she asked’!
They run off to join the crowd.
INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE – NEXT DAY, 12.30
Nia is in awe of his beautiful place and Darrogh is proud to show her around. They are finishing the ‘tour’ and have arrived in the living room.
DARROGH
You can see I’ve put a lot of effort into this place. Not just the money, but every detail thought through and meticulously executed.
NIA
It is perfect! It’s like the best set I’ve ever been on.
DARROGH
Set?
NIA
Yes! The set designer and director choose what to put where. It’s all carefully laid out, the entrances and exits. Details of furniture, props, what colors.
DARROGH
And all that because?
NIA
So the audience knows where they are, who the characters are by their surroundings, and what it means.
DARROGH
Interesting. What do you see when you see my ‘set’?
NIA
I see a man with eclectic taste, who likes to have things. He can afford them so he has them.
DARROGH
They’re beautiful things, right? And very valuable, no rubbish here.
NIA
You have a good eye.
DARGOGH
I’m forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?
NIA
Oh no. I should be getting back to camp. But thank you. This was a lovely tour. I really appreciate it.
DARROGH
I wanted you to see it. I… Please, just a glass of wine.
He is oddly vulnerable and Nia responds to that.
NIA
Well, thank you. That’d be lovely. I don’t think anyone will really miss me. Although Sarah was a bit jealous she didn’t get to come.
As he speaks, Darrogh takes a fine red out of the cabinet, two cut crystal wine glasses, expertly removes the cork and pours.
DARROGH
I’m sure she was. Everyone wants to see this house. I don’t ask many people. This is one of my best reds. You’ll appreciate it. Here.
He hands her one of the glasses.
Nia is a bit taken aback. She’s not a red drinker and wasn’t asked but she is a good guest.
NIA
Oh! Thank you.
DARROGH
To your visit here! May it be all that you hope it will be.
Darrogh takes a sip and regards her carefully as she takes one. Nia makes the appropriate ‘yummy’ face. She is after all an actress.
NIA
A nice – finish. Do you mean my visit to this community or to this house?
DARROGH
(dismissively of the town)
Oh, my house – of course.
NIA
Hmm. I didn’t really have any ‘hopes’ coming here. Why me? I don’t get that usual ‘older guy’ vibe from you.
DARROGH
(amused)
‘Older guy vibe’?
NIA
You know, coming on to younger – much younger – women. I could be your daughter!
Darrogh is taken aback. He’s not used to this age group’s directness. And it is right on the nose.
NIA
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that I’ve had to learn to read that. Being in the ‘show biz’ world (a bit) and being, looking, how I do. There’s plenty of creeps out there.
Darrogh recovers.
DARROGH
I am sure there are and yes. Looking like you do. And that’s why I invited you.
Nia steps back. She is suddenly very uncomfortable. Has she misread this man after all?
DARROGH
I am sure you’re looking for the exits on this set! But don’t worry. Sit, please. And I’ll tell you why I invited you. You read the ‘vibe’ right.
Nia hesitates and then sits, pointedly, at the far end of the sofa near a door/exit.
NIA
By the exit.
DARROGH
Yes.
Darrogh takes another sip. Nia sits very still and watches him.
NIA
Are you going to sit?
DARROGH
No – I’ll stand over here – by my exit.
He is closer to the other doorway into the room.
Nia grins.
NIA
Sounds fair.
There is a pause.
NIA
Your cue.
DARROGH
Cue?
NIA
Yes. After my line then it’s your turn.
DARROGH
Ah, yes. I don’t know where to start.
NIA
‘Looking like I do’… Why you invited me?
Darrogh takes a breath and plunges in, with poise however.
DARROGH
I have a beautiful house with beautiful things in it. But it’s empty. The most beautiful, precious thing I ever had isn’t here. You remind me.
NIA
I don’t know ….
She is staring at him now. Some memory stirring.
DARROGH
I’m Darrogh – Ian – McGrath. You are my daughter.
Nia gasps. Spills her wine. Catches the glass.
Darrogh moves quickly to help her. Sits beside her.
DARROGH
It was such a shock to see you. You’re just like – her.
He touches her hair gently, paternally, longingly.
DARROGH
Your hair, the shape of your face, that tilt to the chin. I couldn’t believe it when you laughed on stage last night.
NIA
You’re my father? My Dad? Oh, my Dad.
She starts to cry. Darrogh holds her awkwardly until she gathers herself.
Nia sits back and looks at him with joyful wonder.
Then with a real laugh.
NIA
Where the fuck have you been? And you changed your name!
DARROGH
Hiding, I guess. Just the first name and it’s the only one I let people use. But I missed you every day. I just couldn’t…
NIA
I know. After Mom died. Nanna told me. I want to know all about you – your life, what you’ve been doing. Nanna and Grandpa said you were doing wonderful things in the world, really hard work and lots of traveling.
DARROGH
It did. I was. But I sent money. I made sure you had everything you needed.
NIA
Yes. Yes, you did and now I have you!
She hugs him tightly. That’s what she really wanted always.
Darrogh hugs her back and then sets her away from him so he can see her.
DARROGH
This house needs you. You belong here. I built the set but it was waiting for the actress.
NIA
You knew I was an actress?
DARROGH
I knew you went to drama school. I didn’t know where you were. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to appear on some tiny wooden stage in a field right where I live!
NIA
That must have been huge!!
DARROGH
I thought I’d seen a ghost.
NIA
Not a ghost. Me. Nia. Amahla’s daughter.
DARROGH
My daughter. And now, you can move into my home, with me.
Nia is delighted. This is a dream come true.
NIA
Nothing I want more! I’ll go back to the Camp, stay one more night, say goodbye and be back tomorrow.
DARROGH
Don’t let me down, Nia. Your Mother
-. I can’t go through that again.
NIA
Don’t worry, Dad! I’m as healthy as they come. I won’t get sick, I promise.
Darrogh grabs her hand.
DARROGH
Stay with me.
NIA
Of course. Of course. You’re my Dad. We have a lot to catch up on and stories to tell.
She hugs him again, her head buried in his chest. Darrogh looks over her head, something hard, and almost triumphant in his face, even as he holds her tenderly. THIS WORKS AS A NICE TWIST AT END BUT WE’VE SEEN IT MANY TIMES BEFORE. IS THERE SOMETHING MORE PROVOCATIVE YOU COULD DO HERE? DOES SHE GO TO HUG HIM AND HE STIFFENS? DOES HIS SUDDEN COLDNESS BACK HER OFF? JUST WONDERING IF THERE COULD BE SOMETHING STRONGER.
OF COURSE, AS ALWAYS, LOTS OF GREAT STUFF HERE. JUST A SIDE NOTE: ANYWAY TO ADD SOME OF THE TROUPE IN BAR SCENE TO GET A SENSE OF WHO THEY ARE? DON’T WANT TO MAKE IT LONGER BUT SEE THEM IN B.G. DOING ?
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Hi Alice,
Thanks for your notes! You saw an earlier version and caught the mistake I did – which was misnaming the grandfather as an ABLE when he was a CAINE! Big confusion there! Sorry I didn’t get my corrections about that and a few other things before you read the confusing version. You’ve posed some good questions, many of which I feel I’ve answered later but worth going over again to make sure!
Grateful to you!
Dev
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Thanks, Lisa!
Great note on end of first scene! I felt it didn’t go far enough but your note has aided me in finding a new end to it!!! Yay! I’m so grateful!
best!
Dev
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Hi Cameron,
I’ve been a writer for hire for some time and am known for my work in animation. In animation, my work of note is the animated LAND BEFORE TIME sequels, the ALADDIN sequel for Disney (I was one of a team of writers), BALTO II, WOLF QUEST for Universal Studios, and I’m a fan favorite writer for Disney’s original DARKWING DUCK. As for Live Action, I’ve been hired to write two different screenplays that the producers were never able to pull off. I did sell one of my specs to a producer/director but all of this was done through my agent. Again, it was never made…. So, so far I’ve had smoke but no fire! My agent has been a great help in negotiating deals but as you know or have heard, getting work takes lots of work by the writer! I’ve been able to get my work out there via contests, my too few contacts in the industry, and networking with up and coming producers and directors looking for their first projects. It’s not easy. Many of the people I knew have now retired and so I’m back doing my best to network with new industry insiders. I was just deemed a finalist (though I didn’t win) in a biopic Stage32 contest and have already had two managers reach out to me! So… we shall see! I’m not an expert on getting work but if you have questions, I’m happy to try and address them.
All the best!
Dev
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Cameron,
I am so grateful to you for your well thought out and clear response to my posting of this assignment. You are dead on about my choices and why. I also know – especially in this case – that writing is re-writing and re-writing and re-writing. Years ago, I sold a script only to go through more than a dozen rewrites after a Producer was attached. And then – after an actor was attached, – a few more! (Unfortunately, the film was never made…sigh.)
In any event, I knew this story was going to be difficult for me. I had an option of going for an easier story to tell – had a dark comedy at my fingertips – but Cheryl of the Pro Series encouraged me to go with this story instead, knowing it would be harder but, hopefully, worth it.
I’ve come to so respect you and your work and, again, can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for your comments. They are gold to me.
Best,
Dev
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Hi Michael,
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I’m quite familiar with String Theory and in my set up in the opening of my script thus far, I hope I’ve done a decent job of showing it without ‘telling.’ “Shining Girls” which has been a series hit, also uses the multiple universe concept but adds what I’ve been also included, which is the concept of mirrored neurons. In “Shining Girls” this concept is used to bind several people together as they move from different multi-verses. My idea is basically the same. No supernatural expression here nor intervention – just two men bonded by their mirrored neurons, but who are Yin/Yang opposites. This is where I’ve stretched the theory.
As to the gun fight, car chase and old building– I tried many other places, found they didn’t work for the story or the underlining images that I wanted. The gun fight is iconic and so much a symbol of the casual usage of guns today. The car chase is just a car chase, but I love the image of their cars emerging from the shimmers. It’s the familiar with something new. While in Arkansas on a television project, I had the opportunity to drive many of the country roads where the scenic views are spectacular. I also visited small towns across the state and can visualize the effect of a car chase through these ramshackle near ghost towns and the pristine neighborhoods that make you feel and breathe in “the South.” I also spent time with a Grand Dragon of the KKK, interviewing him along with many white supremacists. Arkansas is a breeding ground for white supremacy. The now derelict cotton mills that dot their state like sunken ships are incredibly meaningful to them and represent a past they bemoan losing. Hence, I saw using an old cotton mill as very befitting. Film in Arkansas is huge and derelict cotton mills are aplenty – which makes using it a good budget choice! I knew my concept was a tough one from the beginning but was encouraged by Cheryl to take it on. As I finish my first draft and head into my second, I will most definitely keep your comments in mind to make sure that I tell a story that makes sense logically. Many thanks for your clarity and time. All good stuff for me to continue to chew on.
Dev
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Cameron,
Since I’m late to the party, I’ll be brief. I really like your ending – a lot. For me, there is an expectation that father and son will have much to do in the future together (sequels!!!) in order to stop the Hegemony but – until then – they have found something solid and deep for themselves. In short, heal yourself, heal the world. If this was a prescient view of our future, knowing that the ones who work to save humanity have already done the hard work on themselves, would assure me a lot more confidence in a future.
I love sci-fi and I really, really like this story!
Dev
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June! Aha! I pegged you as a script analyst, but you were a screenwriting professor! Makes perfect sense! I don’t think your screenplay is a mess – it’s just heading toward 1st Draft. We both know that writing is rewriting is rewriting. You have a terrific story full of in-depth characters. Yes, still a lot going on in 3rd Act but I know once you have completed the script, you’ll see what needs to be scraped away. “Less is more” but not until you’ve organically felt your way through, which I feel you are doing. Your characters are so rich, they’ll tell you where to go with this. I’m really looking forward to reading your script in its entirety.
Dev
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Hi June,
Looking forward – ALWAYS – to reading your work. Would be so kind to read mine?
thanks!
Dev
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I’d be delighted!
Thanks for asking!
Dev
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Thanks for the second read. I also like your Version 2 – helped to know the brush background. Nice set-up. I also felt the opening softness of Darr. Worked well for entire scene.
Per your suggestion, I’m going to put in the two lines of dialogue I took out at end. Good call!
xo
Dev
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Dev’s comments IN BOLD!
INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
Nia is on her bed texting Shaunn.
NIA
(texting)
I don’t know what to do. I’ll stay here regardless. I am sure it will be ok in the -.
The door opens and Darrogh stands there looking at her.
Nia sees him and is surprised.
NIA
Dad!
DARROGH (HERE’S MY BIGGEST COMMENT. YOU START THE SCENE WITH HIM UPSET AND DEMANDING AND END SCENE WITH HIM THAT WAY ONLY MORE SO. MY SUGGESTION WOULD BE TO START OUT WITH HIM TRYING TO BE EMPATHTIC OR AT LEAST SOFTER, AND MORE CONSIDERATE OF HER FEELINGS. THAT WAY HIS CHANGE AT THE END WILL HAVE MORE EMOTIONAL POWER.
You will stay away from Luciana. You have no idea what you’re dealing with Nia. She’s dangerous.
NIA
Why? Because she wants to save her land?
DARROGH
Save her land! I suppose she’s the Tlaltecuhtli. (EVEN THIS LINE CAN BE SAID GENTLY, AS A CHUCKLE THAT LUCIANA IS SO NAIVE.)
NIA
You surprise me Dad, I didn’t think you’d be interested in any of that Mexican Goddess of the land stuff.
DARROGH
I have to know my enemy. It’s how I always win. (WITH A WINK? SOME GOOD HUMOR TO WIN HER OVER?)
NIA
Dad, what if you don’t? What do you do then? (IF DARROGH SAYS THE ABOVE WITH SOME HUMOR, THEN NIA CAN SWITCH IT UP BY LEADING HIM INTO A MORE SERIOUS CONVERSATION. HERE SHE IS ‘IMPLYING POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES)
Darrogh laughs and sits in the armchair in her room, by her dresser.
He picks up her hairbrush, old fashioned, silver backed, soft bristled, and looks at it.
DARROGH
Was this your Mothers’? (DONT GET THE HAIR BRUSH METAPHOR. BY THE END, WE LEARN HE KNOWS IT WAS HIS WIFE’S – THAT HE GAVE IT TO HER. I FOUND MYSELF RE-READING THIS SEVERAL TIMES TO SEE WHAT I MISSED ABOUT IT. I LIKE THE IDEA OF USING METAPHOR HERE A LOT! JUST FOUND THIS ITERATION CONFUSING.)
Nia puts her phone down and sits up on the bed watching carefully.
NIA
You don’t know?
Darrogh turns it in his hand.
DARROGH
Maybe I don’t want to know. (HE’S IMPLYING SOMETHING – I LIKE THAT, BUT DON’T QUITE GET IT)
NIA
I think you’re afraid. (CHALLENGED ISSUED!)
Darrogh stands and walks to the bay window, still holding it.
DARROGH
You’re a very smart young woman, Nia. I imagine all that theatre has made you kind of an amateur psychiatrist. (HIS ATTACK BACK! GREAT!)
Nia slides off the bed so she is standing a few feet from him. (JUST A ‘VERTICAL READ’ NOTE. I’D TRUNCATE DESCRIPTION AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. PERHAPS “NIA SLIDES OFF HE BED, STANDS A FEW FEET FROM HIM.)
NIA
It’s my back-up job if the theatre career tanks.
DARROGH
Has it started? (NICE CHALLENGE!)
NIA
Yes. This job with the tour company!
Darrogh leans on the sill and watches her.
DARROGH
Oh, beautiful girl with stars in her eyes, who dreams of saving the world and all the desperate in it. (POETIC)
NIA
Maybe, but I won’t be doing it alone.
DARROGH
See this brush? Maybe it is your mothers’ – maybe it isn’t. Either way, it’s just a brush.
He holds it as if he would bend in half, daring her to do something.
NIA
“The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils.” (LOVELY POETIC USE!)
Darrogh applauds.
DARROGH
Shakespeare?
NIA
Lorenzo to the Merchant.
DARROGH
I’m the merchant? (QUESTION THEM)
NIA
It’s possible. Maybe Lear. More likely. Neither ended well. (WARNING! LOVE IT!)
Darrogh looks at the brush and back at Nia.
DARROGH
You are rude, arrogant and absurdly ignorant. You want to hang with the riff-raff of this dead little town? Do it! I could give you everything. This house, a business, a future! Not like that traveling band pf gypsies you call actors. Like your mother and the god-damned circus people.
NIA
Give me my brush.
DARROGH
Your brush?
NIA
Yes.
DARROGH
I gave it to your mother. It’s mine.
NIA
When you left you didn’t take it with you, so it’s mine. (I LIKE WHAT IS BEING SAID HERE METAPHORICALLY BUT THE BRUSH SET UP JUST DIDN’T WORK FOR ME.)
Nia stands immobile holding out her hand out, small and somehow shining in the light of the room.
Darrogh hesitates.
Then he steps forward, hands her the brush and on to the door where he stops.
DARROGH
Will you stay away from Luciana?
NIA
I can’t promise that. There’s too much I want to know.
DARROGH
You don’t care about me. You’re probably plotting even as we speak. Get out of my house. (ATTACK BACK, IMPLICATION)
Nia is horrified – has he found out? But she is torn to save him too.
NIA
I love you. You’re my Dad. I just don’t – know you. I want to help you. (CONFRONT SOMEONE HIDING FROM A FUTURE CONSEQUENCE)
DARROGH
YOU? Help me?
NIA
I can. If you let me. I could help with the townspeople if you just -.
DARROGH
I don’t want help with ‘the townspeople’. They’re ones that need help! (ATTACK BACK)
There is a beat.
Then Nia smiles, quietly.
NIA
Thank you for the brush.
DARROGH
Take it with you. Now!
NIA
But I -.
DARROGH
Don’t be here in the morning. (WARNING)
He exits slamming the door. Nia stands brush in hand, shocked to her core.
(I THINK YOU’RE CLOSE ON THIS. AGAIN, MY BIGGEST COMMENT IS THAT DARR SEEMS ONE NOTE FROM BEGINNING TO END. I’D LIKE TO SEE HIM ‘WORK’ HER MORE TO GET WHAT HE WANTS.)
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Ah, Cameron, I can always depend on you for the most thoughtful comments that really cause me to pause, dig in, and rewrite! I love your suggestion about putting this scene earlier and will give that a shot. You also picked up something about Lincoln that I’ve established earlier in the script – his turn. It happens in the middle of one of his rallies while giving a speech that starts out all peace and love and slowly turns hateful. I need to stick with that and play the ending much differently – with both men all in to kill each other.
Thank you so dang much!
Dev
P.S. Yes, being a reader for many years, taught me a great deal. The biggest lesson was grabbing audiences in the first ten pages and the ‘vertical read’ – meaning short, tight descriptions. The big example we readers often heard from our bosses was instead of writing a paragraph about a torrential rain where it flows down gutters, floods houses, knocks over trees, etc; try this: “The rain was biblical.”
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June,
I think you are a whiz at creating character specific dialogue. Love how each character’s personality shines. (I didn’t have a problem with Suzy.)
As per the assignment, this is what I saw: Poetic dialogue (big time) Jargon, distraction, indirect prediction, a true sense of Kim’s hopelessness, metaphor, warnings, compliment, and your emotional way of writing.
By scene’s end, I’m so rooting for Kim and Roy! You can see that they are “twin flames.” Roy sees it but we long for Kim to. I love that we know it far before she does.
Great writing, great story. You quite simply rock.
Dev
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Yes, I would love to exchange. I’ve just finished a version 2 so I’d love your – as always – inspired feedback!
Dev
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Hi Cameron,
I hope we can exchange feedback! My first version is way down there. (I already found a couple of typos in it… )
thanks!
Dev
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Cam,
Writing you here on this new assignment as my response to you on your notes from my fourth version (Assignment 10) seems to have been lost. Anyway == GREAT NOTES! I will be doing a 5th version!
Dev
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Thanks, Lisa! I’ve already done a version four where I incorporated yours and Dana’s notes!
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Hi Dana,
I was just re-reading my scene and thought I need to play out the baby reveal better. Afterwards, I read your note which, of course, confirmed what I felt. Thanks! Also, Hannah is just learning about the baby as well but now, after your comment, I may change that!
Great notes! I’m grateful!
Dec
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Lisa,
First time commenting on your work so hope that’s okay! Wow! This scene totally filled the bill for me. I was hooked in immediately. Really great job! You utilized the dramatic techniques perfectly! I loved – with a gun in his face – Santa inviting Peter in for coco!
Dev
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Thanks June! Coming from you that means a lot!
Dev
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Arthur!
Wow. I can’t wait to see this! Congrats on a well thought out outline. I love the ticking clock set up early in Act One. From then on, I felt myself fall in – fully attentive to all the action. I know you’ve gotten a note to the contrary about your character descriptions but I found them useful. Once your story dove into the action, I liked knowing who these characters were at the onset so that I better understood their motivations. Honestly, I love most anything set in space and don’t dither about what is truly scientific or not. I just believe. You had me believing. My only comment, and it’s small, is about Reilly. Her backstory – being the only survivor of a mission – works but it is also one that I’ve seen many times before. I’m just wondering if her background, which influences her choices and motivations, could be different. What if were the ‘gossip’ that she got the job purely through connections, a past debt come due… or…? Again, small but when I started reading her character description and what emotional baggage she carried I thought – yeah, seen this before. Other than that, I can’t wait to see this!
Dev
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Hi June,
Great notes and… I’m in the process of rethinking this whole thing. Ieeee! I can answer what drew me to doing a story like this. Firstly, after interviewing a Grand Dragon for another project, I was left knowing that I had to write something about him in particular. He truly believes that the bible calls for race separation. He was passionate, endearing, God-fearing, and ultimately terrifying. Secondly, after watching “Man in the High Castle” on Amazon. It deals with multi-universes as well and was hard to follow but ultimately very satisfying. I’ll keep at it…
Many thanks!
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Dana,
Great notes. I’m currently tearing my hair out and completely rethinking this. Yikes…
Thanks so much!
Dev
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Yes, June, I’d be delighted to exchange comments with you. No title on my piece yet…
best,
Dev