[Diana Collins]

What I learned doing this assignment is: Wow…. Made SO many changes to the script, outline, etc. to reflect the changes in the characters that resulted from this exercise. It became more relevant to expose extreme character traits that defined the characters and their relationships far better.

Diana / Character Story Beats

Take your top five characters through this Character Beats process by following these steps.

1. Give us their Character Profile.

2. Tell us the character’s beginning, middle, and end in one sentence each.

3. List out the beats of their story — either with details or broad strokes.

4. Select at least one part of their story that could be improved. Separate it out and brainstorm ways to elevate it.

5. Tell us the improvement you are making to that character’s story.

================================================================

Character #1 – Dakarai ‘Kai’ Richards / Protagonist

Kai’s the heir-apparent to a big-game hunting lodge run by his sadistic father. His mother, a blended European / Maasai woman has given Kai his truth – he is Maasai at heart. He escapes his tortured life in Africa to start a new life in Australia with his best childhood mate, Adam Jackson.

Core Character Traits: Captivating, Defiant, Fearless

Beginning: Kai leaves his warrior life and friends behind for a fresh start outside of his brutal father’s grasp and painful memories.

Middle: Kai finds he is unexpectedly drawn to his ‘polar opposite’, Tara a wildlife conservationist and falls in love with her but doesn’t know how to reach her.

End: Kai risks everything to protect and defend the new life he’s chosen, one with Tara by his side.

Character Beats:

· Kai loses his oldest friend, breaks ties with his father

· Kai leaves Africa and arrives in Australia

· Kai finds Adam’s been lying to him and fights addictions

· Kai starts to fall for Tara

· Kai and Tara have a huge falling out

· Kai and Tara find mutual ground and move towards a solution

· Kai defends Tara and tries to save Adam from himself

· Kai becomes the hero of his own story

· Love prevails

IMPROVEMENT: Added vulnerability to Kai’s character, which adds to his depth without detracting from his strength.

=================================================================

Character #2 – Martin Richards / Antagonist

Martin is a monster, pure and simple. He takes great joy in hurting others and feels entitled to all within his reach. He raped Kai’s mother as a young woman, forced her to marry him, used Kai as his bargaining chip with the Maasai and made their life a living hell. He had a long-standing affair with Adam’s mother – fathering him as well. When he’s ‘done’ with you, you disappear – he believes he is untouchable.

Core Character Traits: Sadistic, Ruthless, Entitled

Beginning: Martin pushes Kai over the edge by ruthlessly killing his oldest friend, a lion he grew up with, in order to gain complete dominance over Kai. To Martin’s disbelief, Kai escapes Africa.

Middle: Martin continues to hunt for Kai, wanting to finish him off. Unknown to him, his former brother-in-law, DIG Zuberi is hot on his trail

End: Martin tracks Kai to Australia, manipulates Adam into doing his dirty work, and names Adam his heir. He faces off at the park with Kai and Tara, Adam bounds in to save Kai, they struggle over a gun and Adam is shot. Enraged Martin turns the gun on Kai, only to be shot flat out by DIG Zuberi.

Character Beats:

· Martin is established as king of the castle

· Martin and Kai have a complete falling out

· Martin’s illegal gaming activities and corruption continue

· Martin is being watched by DIG Zuberi, without knowledge

· Martin contacts Adam and finds Kai exactly where he thought he would

· Martin sends his men ahead to Australia to attack the sanctuary

· Martin lands in Australia, final manipulation of Adam

· Martin shows up at the sanctuary to take control and rid himself of Kai

· Martin pulls a gun on Tara threatens to shoot her. Admits he did the same to Kai’s mother as she protected the wildlife

· Martin and Kai have a final confrontation

· Martin accidently shoots Adam

· Martin stands ready to kill Kai and is fatally shot by DIG Zuberi

IMPROVEMENT: Increased the level of sadistic evil that he is, resulting in a big cheer all the way around upon his death.

=====================================================================

Character #3 – Adam Jackson ‘AJ’

Adam is drowning in self-pity, resentful of Tara and looking for a way out. Growing up in Africa with Kai, on the grounds of the hunting lodge, he’s always been blind to the evil Martin Richards has inflicted on those around him, instead thinking he was a man to be admired. After a painful motorbike injury Adam’s become addicted to pain meds and alcohol. He won’t take responsibility and instead blames Tara and looks to Kai as his savior.

Core Character Traits: Resentful, Impulsive, Persuasive

Beginning: A lost soul in pain looking for a way out, a fresh start. Adam turns to Kai – his ‘brother’ from his childhood life in Africa. His plans for revenge on Tara for his unrequited love results in his desperate attempt to woo Kai into fulfilling their boyhood dream of building a naturalistic hunting lodge. Adam has an obvious alcohol and pain RX drug addiction.

Middle: Adam loses faith in Kai as the relationship develops between Kai and Tara. Adam turns to the devil – Martin for help. His addictions deepen.

End: Realizing the truth, Adam comes to Kai’s aid and is critically injured by Martin. After surgery, Kai arranges for Adam’s recovery from his alcohol and RX drug addiction in rehab.

Character Beats:

· Adam is addicted to pain meds and alcohol and has trashed the sanctuary and it’s donors. He’s gone from the premier wildlife biologist in Australia to an outcast

· Adam persuades / tricks Kai into joining him in Australia to convert a ‘failing wildlife sanctuary’ into a bow-hunting lodge

· Adam brings Kai to the sanctuary under this pretense and continues to try to manipulate the situation

· Adam recognizes Kai is completely taken by Tara and falling fast, his addiction / and fear increase. He feels let down by Kai and turns on him

· Adam’s contacted by Martin and turns to him for help, sacrificing Kai in the process

· Adam loses control and becomes a danger to everyone

· Adam falls under Martin’s control when Martin tells him he fathered him in a long-standing relationship with his mother, and he is now naming Adam as his heir.

· Adam finally sees the truth after a final confrontation between Tara, Kai and Martin.

· Adam risks his life to save Kai and is critically injured

· After many hours of surgery Adam’s life is saved

· Adam agrees to rehab Kai has set up for him

· Adam’s faith in Kai and Tara is restored

IMPROVEMENT: Added loyalty and enlightenment to his character in order to save him from himself – not be saved.

=================================================================

Character #4 – Tara (AU Aboriginal tradition, no last name)/Love Interest

Tara is the dedicated, conservationist owner of the Wildlife Sanctuary, raised by AU Aboriginals after her mother, a wildlife photographer, died in an accident in the outback when she was thirteen. With money she inherited from her Mother’s estate she has stayed in Australia and opened the sanctuary. Years in, she takes Adam as a partner when he arrives in Australia from Africa – at the forefront of his career as a wildlife biologist

Core Character Traits: Authentic, Steadfast, Passionate, Inspiring

Beginning: Tara is the keeper of the wildlife, their protector at the Sanctuary she co-owns, with Adam as her partner. She is a loner, far better with the animals than with humans.

Middle: She finds common ground with the one she seemed least likely to – Kai. She finds herself in a battle to save her wildlife, against the man she is falling for. Can her wildlife and soul be saved?

End: Committed to doing whatever it takes to save the Sanctuary, she places her life on the line and is saved by Kai. She chooses a life with him, protecting the wildlife and sanctuary together.

Character Beats:

· Tara is at odds with the only man she thought she could trust – her partner in the sanctuary, Adam

· Tara gives Adam one last chance to make things right

· Tara meets Kai and is overwhelmed by him, very much unlike her…

· Tara comes to believe, with Kai’s help, there may be hope of saving the sanctuary and building a stronger team

· Tara finds out the truth about Kai and Adam’s deal, and the truth about Kai’s past and family ties

· Tara and Kai are at extreme odds, battling to maintain her position

· Tara and Kai come to an understanding and common ground

· Tara admits she’s fallen for Kai and together they try to save Adam

· Tara is threatened by Martin and risks her life to save the wildlife

· Tara’s hero, Kai, saves her.

· Tara gives her heart completely to Kai

· Love prevails

IMPROVEMENT: Added an openness to her, to accept Kai and allow herself to drop her defenses, open her heart and fly

=====================================================================

Character #5 – Deputy Inspector General Bahari Zuberi (DIG Barahi Zuberi)

Zuberi is a career military man, named the Deputy Inspector General for his years of dedicated work and commitment. His sister, Jade, was Kai’s mother and he’ll do anything to protect Kai from Martin’s abuse.

Role – Supporting Character, Cameo

Core Character Traits: Incorruptible, Valiant, Foresighted

Beginning: His relationship with Kai is established at the bar, at Korianga Lodge

Middle: He interacts with Kai via phone, keeping tabs on Martin in Africa

End: He follows Martin to Australia, arrives at the sanctuary just in time to save Kai’s life.

Character Subtext: My mission is to rid the world I can reach, of evil and corruption

Flaw: puts himself ion danger to accomplish his mission

Motivation: To make sure justice prevails

Want: to bring Martin Richards to justice for murdering his wife, and corrupt activities

Need: to protect Kai, his nephew, at any cost

World View: It is man’s responsibility to protect all life and promote peace in the world.

Secret: He’s hiding evidence that would bring Adam up on charges

What’s Special: He’s a career military man, multi weapons expert and brave beyond belief.

Character Beats:

· DIG Zuberi meets with Kai to gather evidence on Martin’s corruption and illegal activities at the Lodge

· He follows up on the leads, putting all the pieces together to put the final nail into Martin’s coffin

· He keeps Kai up to speed on Martin’s activities and realizes he is planning to head to Australia to confront and possibly kill Kai

· He arranges for his men to immediately leave for Australia in protection of Kai and the Australian team at the sanctuary

· He completes extradition papers and final warrants, follows Martin to Australia as quickly as possible

· Arrives just in time to save Kai’s life after Martin and his men give them the slip at the hotel and head to the park

· DIG Zuberi kills Martin Richards

IMPROVEMENT: Added the relationship of him being Kai’s uncle and protector

================================================================

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.

[Diana Collins]

What I learned doing this assignment: This was very interesting; as I lost a massive amount of updated work I’d done on characters – I started with a old version and re-wrote, elevated as I transferred the info. I used a ‘full profile chart’ I created in the pro-series class, and it’s unbelievable how much each character grows when you look at so many of their sides… I became each character, really delved into what and how they think, what motivates them and at their deepest level who they are. Very enlightening.

Diana / Character Profiles

The heir to a Big Game Hunting empire falls hard for a wildlife conservationist, forcing him into a life-changing altercation with his sadistic father. His plans to convert a failing Wildlife Sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate are completely derailed, and he must choose between his new love, lifelong friend, and his family legacy.

Character #1 – Dakarai ‘Kai’ Richards

Role: Protagonist

Core Character Traits: Captivating, Compassionate Rebellious, Confident, Wild, Naturalist

Character Subtext: I am protected, and in turn I am a guardian, I can overcome all challenges.

Flaw: Terrified of true intimacy for fear of losing the one he loves

Motivation: To escape his father’s control and leave ‘that’ world, and all the pain he’s endured behind – to start fresh and new

Want: To escape Africa and build a new life with his best mate Adam and build a naturalist hunting lodge.

Want shifts to#2: to find a new balance that can work for the three of them, and mature into the man he knows he can be, becoming worthy of Tara’s love and admiration

Need: to prove to himself he has the strength to overcome his fears

World View: Deep respect for nature and all life, he is the caretaker of his world

Secret: Kai knows his father murdered his mother and before he left Africa, he gave the DIG proof of his father’s corruption. ALSO Kai is immediately infatuated by Tara, but has no idea how to reach her

What’s Special: He’s extremely passionate, loyal, and loving with deep spiritual Maasai beliefs

CHANGE: On the surface he is extremely confident, but I added fear to his base character, therefore he becomes more real, less perfect.

———————————————————————————————

Character #2 – Martin Richards

Role – Antagonist

Core Character Traits: Sadistic, Ruthless, Powerful, Corrupt, Entitled

Character Subtext: It’s ALL mine!

Flaw: Overconfidence, believes he is utterly untouchable

Motivation: To secure his dominance over Kai and ultimately take over and convert the sanctuary into a Big-Game Hunting lodge

Want: to have dominance over all things, to be revered as a god.

Need: force Kai into submission, and mold Adam into his heir

World View: The worlds for my taking; I’ve earned dominance over all things

Secret: Covered up his wife’s murder with a ‘hunting accident’. Had long term affair with Adam’s mother, is Adam’s father

What’s Special: He’s an expert marksman

CHANGE: I increased his ruthlessness, making his more despicable and a greater threat

———————————————————————————————Character #3 – Adam Jackson ‘AJ’

Role – Best Buddy AND Antagonist #2 (deuteragonist)

Core Character Traits: Dependent, resentful, fearful, addictive, immature, Antagonistic

Character Subtext: It’s not my fault! Everyone turns on me.

Flaw: His insecurities and addictions cause him to manipulate the people he cares most about; he feels he’s not worthy of attention and love

Motivation: anger and addiction are motivating his actions, he’s out of control. He’s hurt by what he sees as rejection, displeasure from Tara

Want: To start over, secure a new future with his best mate. Hurt Tara for rejecting him.

Need: To regain Tara’s trust, acceptance, and love. To make amends with Kai, and overcome his addictions

World View: I’ve gotta cover my arse, can’t count on anyone else to

Secret: extremely envious of Kai, always wished Martin was his father. Actually, is in love with Tara

What’s Special: He is one of the best Zoologists and wildlife biologist in Australia

CHANGE: gave him more vulnerability, not as an excuse for his bad behavior, but as a means of understanding his motivation and character

————————————————————————-

Character #4 – Tara (no last name)

Role – Protagonist’s Love Interest

Core Character Traits: Authentic, Sensual, Magical, Steadfast, Wildlife Advocate

Character Subtext: I am here to protect all life; I can overcome all obstacles and offer my help to those in need

Flaw: Tara’s fearful of being left alone, so she’s shut people out and focuses all her attention on her wildlife and conservation.

Motivation: Save the wildlife Sanctuary and maintain control and balance

Want: To build a team who are loyal, honest, and trustworthy and share her conservation mission

Need: to overcome her fears, so she can forgive Adam, trust Kai and open herself to the possibilities

World View: I’ll do what it takes to protect nature, wildlife, create peace and serenity into the world.

Secret: She gets lonely sometimes and wants a worthy partner to share her life with. Tara’s blown away by Kai and thinks ‘he’s the one’.

What’s Special: A deep spiritual bond with wildlife, willing to make any sacrifice to protect those she loves, a profound connection with mystical AU Aboriginal beliefs

CHANGE: changed her background, so she is actually raised by the AU Aboriginal Tribe after her mother’s death, and she inherits/learns their mystical ways and deeper connection with nature

———————————————————————————————

Character #5 – Deputy Inspector General Bahari Zuberi (DIG Barahi Zuberi)

Role – Secondary Character, Cameo

Core Character Traits: courageous, foresightful, discreet, incorruptible

Character Subtext: My mission is to rid the world I can reach, of evil and corruption

Flaw: puts himself ion danger to accomplish his mission

Motivation: To make sure justice prevails

Want: to bring Martin Richards to justice for murdering his wife, and corrupt activities

Need: to protect Kai, his nephew, at any cost

World View: It is man’s responsibility to protect all life and promote peace in the world.

Secret: He’s hiding evidence that would bring Adam up on charges

What’s Special: He’s a career military man, multi weapons expert and brave beyond belief.

CHANGE: Added family ties to Kai, his mother Jade was his sister, which makes Martin his brother in law.

[Diana Collins]

What I learned: there is always a way to deeper clarify what you are presenting. I edited several times and found the core of each section. Separating Out really worked in helping me to distinguish what needed to be elevated.

Diana – Story Beats

Time to elevate the beats of your story.

1. Logline:

The heir to a Big Game Hunting empire falls hard for a wildlife conservationist, forcing him into a life-changing altercation with his sadistic father. His plans to convert a failing Wildlife Sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate are completely derailed, and he must choose between his new love, lifelong friend, and his family legacy.

2. List of current beats from my script: VERSION 05.25.22

V4 – 05.25.2022 1:25am

ELEVATIONS / CUTS are in Blue / Bold under each section that needed

CREDITS / TRIBAL MUSIC ROLL OVER:

TITLE OVER; SOUTHWESTERN KENYA AFRICA, PRESENT DAY

OPENING

EXT. THE GRASSLANDS, KENYA – MID DAY

Kai storms through the tall grass, leading his Maasai ‘brothers’ on an olamayio (hunt) in pursuit of a cheetah that’s attacked the tribes’ cattle.

EXT. MAASAI VILLAGE, KENYA, AFRICA – EVENING

Kai and the hunters celebrate the kill in tribal fashion with the Chieftain, Kamaria and villagers. The women and children at village festivities in awe of Kai. The children drag him off into a wild dance – we see a surprising side of Kai.

END CREDITS

TITLE OVER: KORIANGA LODGE, KENYA, AFRICA – PRESENT DAY

EXT. KORIANGA LODGE – MORNING

Kai returns from the village, wanders passed gaping eyes, raised eyebrows. His father Martin watches from balcony, father / son eyes meet – disgust and loathing apparent.

EXT. GRASSLANDS, OUTSIDE LODGE GROUNDS – EARLY AFTERNOON

Kai tracks a male lion across the savannah. Intercut flashback: Kai as a 10yr old, with Maasai tribe, learning to track. (Present) The proud lion waits for Kai as he emerges from the bush, they come face to face. Intercut flashback: Kai and a young lion face off. Martin / gang shoot Lion. Kai and Martin confrontation

EXT. OUTDOOR PATIO, LODGE BAR – LATE AFTERNOON

Martin adored by the crowds, Kai with Deputy Inspector General Bahari Zuberi. Kai give Bahari an envelope. Kai enjoys farewell drink with Bartender

INT. KAI’S HOME, BATHROOM SHOWER – DUSK

Kai in shower, fortitude grows to leave Africa and join his childhood best mate Adam in Australia. We see the full extent of his tribal markings and lifestyle.

INT. KAI’S HOME, PATIO BALCONY – CONTINUOUS

Kai starts transfer of funds at computer on balcony

INT. KAI’S HOME, BEDROOM, GREAT ROOM – CONTINUOUS – EVENING

Kamaria visits to say goodbye. She talks of his mother, gives him advice, and photo album. Blesses him and leaves

TITLE OVER: AMAROO WILDLIFE SANCTUARY, WESTERN AUSTRALIA

Exterior shots of grounds and expanse of Australia Outback.

PAN ZOOM TO:

EXT. WILDLIFE SANCTUARY, NURSERY – SUNRISE

Tara in the Nursery feeds a young Joey. Adam, vies for her attention, pounding on the glass window, she dismisses him. Emergency radio call, Tara races out.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS, OUTSIDE NURSERY – CONTINUOUS

Tara jumps into jeep, drives off leaves Adam in the dust.

INT. SANCTUARY VET HOSPITAL – LATER

Tara and vet tech work on saving koala. Adam and Tara have fight; money problems due to Adam’s recent binge drinking. He leaves, telling Tara he’s meeting an investor.

EXT. ADAM’S HOME, PATIO – EVENING

Adam drinking / popping pain pills. He calls Kai questioning him about funding. Plans are discussed for Kai to join Adam in Western Australia to pursue their boyhood dream of open a bow hunting lodge on the grounds of the failing wildlife sanctuary

BY PAGE 10 WE KNOW WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT:

Kai’s overbearing father Martin is sadistic, forcing Kai to leave his home. Kai and his ‘little brother’ Adam plan to open a Naturalist Hunting Lodge on the grounds of a failing wildlife sanctuary. Adam and Tara are at odds.

TITLE OVER: THE RICHARDSON HOTEL SPA, PERTH AUSTRALIA

INT. HOTEL BAR – NEXT EVENING

Kai arrives at the bar to find Adam’s been drinking heavily and is unruly

INT. THE RICHARDSON HOTEL SPA, PENTHOUSE – MID DAY

Adam’s been up for hours binging on drinks, pills and pastries. Kai joins him to discuss the ‘plan’, growing concerned over Adam’s behavior.

EXT. SANCTUARY GROUNDS – 2 DAYS LATER, AFTERNOON

Adam and Kai arrive at the park as Tara and the crew buzz saw through a downed tree and repair fences. Kai is introduced to a stunned Tara. Kai is taken aback as well. Sparks ignite.

EXT. PARK, ADAM’S HOME PORCH – LATE AFTERNOON (pg18)

Adam and Kai on Adam’s deck closely observing Tara, tries to get to the truth. Adam doesn’t like Kai’s fascination with Tara.

EXT. GIRAFFE PADDOCK – MOMENTS LATER (pg19)

Kai approaches Tara in paddock, she challenges him to help out. Kai’s flirting playboy moves unnerve her. She walks away, he concedes defeat, she returns and hands him a shovel and instruction

EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO FIRE PITS – LATE NIGHT

Adam and Kai at firepit, After a long day Tara joins them. Intrigue; is friendship possible?

EXT. PARK GROUNDS, ZEBRA PADDOCK – MOMENTS LATER (pg 23)

Tara saves a baby zebra entangled in fencing, Kai jumps in to help, she’s blown away.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS, KOALA DAY CAMP – NOON

Wildlife Day Camp: Tara and staff work with kids as Adam and Kai watch uncomfortably. They are enlisted in service and don’t like it. We see the kids surrounding Kai again, drag him off to play.

INT. TARA’S HOME, BEDROOM BATHROOM – DUSK

Tara relaxes in a tub after a very long day. Kai enters uninvited with plans for her approval. Takes advantage of the situation to make her squirm.

EXT. TARA’S HOME, DECK – CONTINUOUS

With Kai expelled to the patio, Tara emerges from the tub, and joins him. Kai’s obviously pleased, but Tara’s not in a playful mood. She offends Kai, he leaves slightly pissed.

INT. PARK, TARA’S HOME, OFFICE – DUSK

After Kai leaves Tara reviews the paperwork he left. Tara upset over the encounter opens her computer to do some research on Kai – finding out who he is

EXT. PARK, BAR – EVENING (pg31)

Tara meets Adam and Kai. She plays their game, to snare them in her trap – then drops the bomb revealing what shes found.

INT. ADAM’S HOME, LIVINGROOM – PRE-DAWN

Adam in a stupor. Martin calls, knows all about ‘the plan’. Adam surprised, Martin manipulates him

FIRST TURNING POINT; END OF ACT 1

ACT II

EXT. PARK OUTBACK, CONSTRUCTION ZONE – LATER

Tara and Adam argue over plans as heavy equipment moves earth. Kai joins them, Tara stalks away.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS – MORNING (pg36)

Adam and Kai at range, target practice. Tara one ups them placing every shot dead on, leaving Kai uneasy.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS, HILLSIDE PADDOCK – LATE AFTERNOON

Cape Town Buffalo – a surprise peace offering from Kai to Tara; she’s off the planet excited. Tension grows as Adam notices, and Kai realizes they have a big problem.

EXT. CHEETAH ENCLOSURE – LATER

Tara calms an agitated pair of cheetahs as Kai watches entranced. She calls Kai to assist, they work well together.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS, HILLTOP – SUNSET

Kai surprises Tara with a hilltop picnic above the new buffalo enclosure, surprisingly they find common ground. Kai admits the truth about the plan and offers a compromise.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS – EARLY MORNING (pg 48)

Kai charges past Tara with a rifle. Following him, shots ring out, she charges through the bush tackling him. She hits a wall, Kai points to two dead dingoes, a gazelle stands panting, out of breath. Protector, not hunter.

INT. ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON (pg 49-50)

Adam admits he’s spoken to Martin. Tara enters, finding them in the middle of a screaming match. She’s had enough and heads out for a trek in the outback.

EXT. PATHWAY – MOMENTS LATER

Kai tries to stop Tara. In a moment of passion, he grabs her, kisses her. She escapes and heads up the path.

EXT. ADAM’S HOME, PATIO – NIGHT

Kai taps furiously on a laptop; screen shows financial documents. Adam’s passed out on a lounge nearby. Kai connects with Kamaria in a tribal mediation dream state.

FLASHBACK MONTAGE – EXT. SERENGETI GRASSLANDS – DAYTIME

• Kai (9), runs barefoot through the tall grass with catlike precision –- a lion cub on a jaunt. JADE (his mother, 30’s), chases him -– captures him — arms and legs splayed as they tumble laughing, breathing hard. • Jade hands Kai a birthday present, his ten-year-old hands unwrap her hunting knife and sheath, his face filled with joy. Jade hugs him tight.

END FLASHBACK

INT. ADAM’S HOUSE, BEDROOM – DAWN

Kai packs rucksack determined to catch Tara. Adam and Kai have a confrontation, as Kai starts to leave.

EXT. ADAM’S HOUSE – DECK – CONTINUOUS (pg55)

Adam catches Kai on the deck, no resolution. Kai pursues Tara. Martin calls Adam again, distressed he ignores the call, screams in frustration, throwing phone over the deck rail.

MIDPOINT

MONTAGE — PARK OUTBACK – AFTERNOON / EVENING

• Kai treks through outback, catches Tara’s tracks, follows contemplative

• Jade, young Kai and Maasai track lion through the brush, large bows hang from their backs

• Young Kai and Maasai tribal members in tribal dance by bonfire

• Jade photographs young Kai and Maasai male bow hunting large game

END MONTAGE

EXT. PARK OUTBACK, LAKE CAMPSITE – MORNING

Kai tracks Tara to the outback lakeside camp, surprising her

EXT. PARK OUTBACK, LAKE CAMPSITE – AFTERNOON

Kai and Tara gain insight into each other’s character through their shared stories

EXT. PARK OUTBACK – LATER

Tara photographs the wildlife, Kai watches in wonder

EXT. PARK OUTBACK, LAKE CAMPSITE, CAMPFIRE – NIGHT

Seduction. Success?

MONTAGE — PARK OUTBACK – DAYTIME

• Kai and Tara trek in serious discussion

• Tara photographs wildlife, Kai deep in thought

• Tara picks Kakadu plums, Kai reluctantly tries them and enjoys them

• Kai and Tara sit facing each other, palms touching, silent.

2ND TURNING POINT; END OF ACT 2

ACT III

EXT. PATHWAY TO ADMIN OFFICES – EVENING

Adam watches distressed as Kai and Tara return to the park, their new relationship in bloom.

EXT. ADAM’S HOME, PATIO – MORNING

Adam nervously awaits Martin’s call. He’s arrived and commands Adam to meet him

INT. ADMINISTRATION OFFICE – SOON AFTER (pg 64)

Kai ready to present Adam a new plan, witnesses him rushing off in jeep

EXT. ADMINISTRATION OFFICE PARKING – CONTINUOUS

Kai rushes out to stop Adam, who speeds away nearly hitting him in the process. Tara races up to figure out what’s going on. Confusion.

EXT. TARA’S HOME, DECK – EVENING

The group gathers, they haven’t found Adam. Deep discussion ensues.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS – MOMENTS LATER

Kai encounters Jelani at his enclosure, has an epiphany, makes a transitional decision.

INT. THE RICHARDSON HOTEL & SPA, PENTHOUSE – MORNING

Martin intimidates Adam into submission with plans to take over the park.

CRISIS

INT. ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON

Kai confronts Adam about his disappearance, Adam’s loses control. As Kai attempts to calm him, Adam’s fist connects with Kai’s cheekbone, sending him crashing into the water cooler. Adam has a complete meltdown, Kai subdues him.

INT. ADAM’S HOME, BEDROOM – LATER

As Adam’s lies passed out on his bed, Kai standing over, Adam’s phone rings; screen displays ‘Martin’.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS – EVENING (pg72)

Kai finds an antelope shot dead. He sprints back to Tara’s home knowing Martin and his men are here

EXT. PARK GROUNDS – DAWN

Kai, Katal and Mandu work together fixing the fence, clear away the carcass.

INT. ADMIN OFFICE – MORNING (pg74)

A call from Kai’s fiancé manager send him reeling – Martin claims he’s ‘gone missing’ and freezes all his

accounts.

INT. ADAM’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – LATER

Adam drunk and defiant blows off steam, trashes Kai.

EXT. TARA’S HOME, DECK – LATER

Jelani sits quietly at Kai’s feet. Kai’s devastated. Tara attempts to lift his spirits.

Deputy Inspector General Bahari Zuberi calls Kai to update him on Martin’s moves.

EXT. TARA’S HOME DECK – NIGHT

Kai sleeps uneasily on Tara’s deck, Jelani by his side.

DREAM SEQUENCE (pg 79)

EXT. KORIANGA HUNTING LODGE, DINING PATIO – EVENING

Ten-year-old Kai, Jade and Martin at home on their lavish patio, glasses and dishware fly as tempers flair.

EXT. AFRICA, CEMETERY – DAY

Kai (10yrs) places flowers on his mother’s grave. Martin laughs with associates in the background.

EXT. TARA’S HOME DECK – CONTINUOUS

Kai shivers and sweats with night terrors, Jelani growls softly on alert

INT. PARK, RESTAURANT – EARLY MORNING (pg82)

Two South African police officers meet with Kai to discuss Martin’s arrival in Perth Australia.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS, CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAYTIME

Kai, Katal, and crew work with a new contractor as Adam arrives furious. A shoving match erupts, resulting in Adam being dragged away kicking and screaming.

INT. ADAM’S HOME, LIVING ROOM – LATER

Adam under watch by his previous staff, enraged, calls Martin

INT. RESTAURANT BAR – DUSK

Martin and his thugs enter, he confronts Kai; revealing he’s Adam’s father, here to take over the project and put Adam in charge. Two South African Officers sit nearby on alert, ready to pounce.

EXT. BAR – MOMENTS LATER

Martin stalks out, ready to make good on his threats, runs into Tara he swats her aside and continues with his rifle towards the wildlife enclosures.

EXT. CHEETAH ENCLOSURE – MOMENTS LATER

Martin’s rifle is trained on Tara, who’s arrived at the big cat enclosure just in time. Kai bounds forward to shield her. Guns are drawn in a standoff between the South African police, and Martin’s men.

Martin brags of killing Kai’s mother, and Kai explodes attacking him. Adam finally understands the truth and rushes to Kai’s defense knocking Martin off his feet.

As Martin and Adam struggle, the gun goes off; Adam is shot. Martin recovers, turns to shoot Kai as shots ring out over Kai’s shoulder. Deputy Inspector General Bahari Zuberi stands behind Kai his gun smoldering.

EXT. PARK GROUNDS, LATE NIGHT

Police investigation, Ambulance for Adam, DIG Zuberi grasps control of the situation.

EXT. TARA’S HOME, DECK – MORNING

With Adam in recovery post-surgery, Kai’s arranged for a stay in rehab. Barahi updates the group on the investigation that led them to follow Martin and his men to Australia.

EXT. PARK OUTBACK, LAKE – SUNSET – MUSIC OVERTURE

Tara and Kai return to the Outback Camp site where they first connected. Passion flairs, their souls entwined in a lovers embrace. Tara kisses Kai softly, desire ignites as Kai gently lays her onto the grass

his passion growing. The sun sinks lower in the sky as….

SCENE MORPHS to:

A LION and LIONESS; lunge wildly, playfully at each other -– at the water’s edge under the setting sun.

FADE OUT

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.

[Diana Collins]

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is: I found ways to clarify the structure, while working along side the outline and script, I found some adjustments necessary.

Diana’s Basic Structure Version 1, edited several times to resulting

1. LogLine UPDATE – V3:

The heir to a Big Game
Hunting empire falls hard for a wildlife conservationist, forcing him into a
life-changing altercation with his sadistic father. With plans to convert a
Wildlife Sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate
completely derailed, he must now choose between his new love and his family
legacy.

2. 9-part structure:

Main Conflict:

1. Opening: Scene 1- 3 / Page 1-2

Dakari ‘Kai’ Richards (30yrs) expertly tracks an adult male lion through the bush. Through quick flashbacks we see; young Kai (10yrs.), followed by his Maasai teachers, learning to track, then trough the tall grass into a clearing, the proud lion waits for Kai as he emerges from the bush. Flashback; we see young Kai and a young male lion staring at each other through the tall weeds. Kai and the thundering lion face off, blond-brown manes flying, eyes piecing, their history apparent.

2. Inciting Incident: Scene 4-5 / Page 2.5 – 3

As Maasai protect the Lion pride, Kai and the male lion face respectfully start their retreat. From a distance rifle shots ring out; the majestic lion falls dead in his tracks, Kai’s sadistic father Martin Richards the big game assassin.

3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Scene 4 – 13 / Page 10

Kai and Martin are at extreme odds, Kai decides to leave Africa in hopes of starting a new life with his best mate and childhood ‘brother’ Adam Jackson. They plan to convert a failing Wildlife Sanctuary into a modern-day Naturalistic Bow-Hunting Lodge.

4. 1^st turning point; end of Act 1: Scene 33 – 35/ Page 33

Things start to fall apart as Kai sees the depth of Adam’s addiction, and deception. Kai becomes more enthralled with Tara and starts to question the rationality of the plans he made with Adam. Martin contacts Adam and bribes him into helping him gain control.

5. Mid-Point / Turning Point: Scene 36-39/ Page 55-62

Adam and Kai are at serious odds, arguing, combative. Kai tracks Tara into the park’s Outback. They face off and conflict / tension rises, and resolution / compromise begins.

6. 2^ndturning point; end of Act 2: Scene 40/ Page 62

Kai and Adam come to blows over changes in plans, Kai’s concern over Adam’s deteriorating mental state grows intensely, as his relationship with Tara intensifies. Overwhelmed and furious, Adam contacts Martin for backing, betrays Kai.

*I added Adam contacting Martin as the elevation, which then intensified the following Crisis and Climax.

7. Crisis: Scene / Page 68.5 – *MAIN conflict starts

Adam has a complete breakdown, and Kai discovers he’s been in touch with Martin. Two South African officers, having followed Martin to Australia, fill Kai in on his recent moves. Martin and his thugs show up at the park, confront Kai and attempt to take over the conversion into a Big-Game Hunting Lodge, starting with the animals on property.

8. Climax: Scene 62/ Page 86.5 – 88.5

Tara protects her big cats from Martin’s rifle, Kai springs to her defense, Martin admits to killing Kai’s mother the same way, Kai attacks Martin and is injured. A stand-off between the SA Police, Australian Sheriff, and Martin’s men results as Martin attempts to finish Kai off. Adam redeems himself rushing to Kai’s protection and as he and Martin struggle over the gun he is shot. Martin bounds to Kai to finish him as shots ring out over Kai’s shoulder – Deputy Inspector General Bahari arrives just in time – the blasts dead centered on Martin’s chest.

9. Resolution: Scene 64-65/ Page 88-91

Deputy Inspector General Bahari takes over the case, Adam’s in recovery after hours of surgery to save his life. Kai and Tara and united and plan to stay that way. The park is safe, as Martin’s thugs are taken into custody. Kai and Tara return to their outback campsite, bodies entwined sensually kissing, morph scene to a lion and Lioness lunge playfully attack on the plain at the water’s edge, under the setting sun.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins. Reason: V3 LogLine
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.

[Diana Collins]

Cheryl – what is the best way for partners to work together? Is there a private message place we can shoot comments back and forth?? I noticed a couple of people were editing back and forth in the feed, but that doesn’t seem efficient. Not sure where to go.

[Diana Collins]

Hello – I don’t see everyone’s Day 1 assignment yet. Are you posted elsewhere? I’d like to read through and see what everyone’s doing and then ask about partners. Is that ok? Dia

Also, is anyone interested in partnering up on this: (logline)

“Plans to transform a wildlife sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate, are derailed when a wealthy Big Game Hunter falls hard for the enemy, a wildlife conservationist, and faces off with his sadistic father in a final match. He must choose between their love, his best mate, and abandoning his family legacy and life he’d planned.”

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Diana Collins.

[Diana Collins]

What I learned:

I made an unexpected MASSIVE character shift – anything is conceivable, when you are open to the possibilities…. I found the heart of my story again 😊

THEN…. I learned I could edit it MORE!! AND I LOVE working with other writers – so much possibility to elevate thanks to suggestions and comments!

Dia’s Logline & One Page

Title: Siku Saba (Swahili for ‘Seven Days’)

Story starts in Kenya Africa and moves to Western Australia

Logline: V3 (thanks to suggestions from Marti!)

The heir to a Big Game
Hunting empire falls hard for a wildlife conservationist, forcing him into a
life-changing altercation with his sadistic father. With plans to convert a
Wildlife Sanctuary into a Naturalist Hunting Lodge with his best mate
completely derailed, he must now choose between his new love and his family
legacy.

One Page:

Maasai Warrior. Heir to a Big Game Hunting Lodge empire. Dakarai ‘Kai’ Richards straddles both worlds. A final confrontation with his father, Martin, forces Kai into a life altering decision. When a childhood friend, he considers his brother, makes an offer he can’t refuse Kai decides to leave Africa behind and start a new life in Australia.

Crikey! Troubles brewing down under. Adam Jackson battles his own demons and his partner, Tara, in the wildlife sanctuary he manages and sees his escape in Kai’s decision. He entices Kai to join him in Australia, in pursuit of their boyish dream to develop a Naturalistic Bow-Hunting Lodge on the grounds of the financially strapped sanctuary.

Adam’s convincing story that Tara wants to return to field research, and inspirational vision of converting the grounds into their dream lodge is alluring. Seduced by the possibilities and promise of a new life in Western Australia, with his closest friend, Kai takes a leap of faith and makes a hefty investment in the failing sanctuary to get the ball rolling.

Adam’s lies to Kai are grounded in an addict’s delusions and pain; fueled by alcohol, prescription drugs and his one-sided infatuation with Tara. He decides the conversion of the wildlife park into a hunting lodge will not only destroy her but also give him a chance to start over with his best mate Kai at his side. The truth is that Tara is a dedicated conservationist, and stunning wildlife warrior hell-bent on saving the park.

Landing in Australia Kai’s faced with a shocking reality. Observing Adam’s addictive behavior Kai instinctively knows something isn’t right. His intuition’s confirmed arriving at the park and meeting Tara. One inexplicable instant; opposites attract. Tara’s shocked by her gut reaction to Kai, and Kai’s immediately captivated by her raw, natural beauty, obvious expertise, and rebel attitude.

‘Siku Saba!’ Kai’s relationship with Adam deteriorates, as he and Tara astonishingly find their hearts share common ground. Instinctively, together, they reconnect with their Maasai and Aboriginal roots and come to a deeper understanding of their purpose and mission. Adam falls deeper into depression.

Feeling betrayed by his best mate, Adam contacts Kai’s sadistic father Martin. He offers him the park and his services to create an extension of his Kenyan Big Game Hunting Lodge, ousting Tara in the process, and taking control from Kai. Simultaneously, Tara discovers Kai’s family ties to Martin and the Lodge. Confrontation. Battle.

Does Kai choose a life with Tara, or remain loyal to his ‘brother’ Adam? Over the next two days, new lines are drawn as Kai attempts to convince Tara he’s not the enemy and save Adam from his spiraling descent into hell. Then suddenly Kai’s blindsided by Martin’s arrival at the park, thugs in tow, ready to takeover. Martin disinherits Kai, admits to fathering Adam, and names him his sole heir. Adam’s stunned.

In a violent confrontation, Martin threatens to shoot Tara, bragging to Kai he killed his mother in the same way. Kai attacks Martin and is stabbed with his own weapon – a blade passed down from his mother, forever at his side. As Martin recovers the gun and stands over Kai, murder in his eyes, Adam sees the truth. Adam charges to Kai’s defense. knocking Martin to the ground.

BAM! BAM! Lives changed forever… can love and hope survive?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Diana Collins. Reason: forgot to add title!
• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Diana Collins. Reason: typo on character name change
• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Diana Collins. Reason: I did another edit
• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Diana Collins.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Diana Collins.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins. Reason: V2 of log line
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins. Reason: Tighten up Log Line, thanks Marti for the suggestion!
• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.

[Diana Collins]

Hello – I’m Diana, I also go by Dia. I’m alumni; have taken classes/pro series and learned tons! Have about a 1/2 dozen feature scripts in various stages, dozens of segments (which I consider scenes), short stories, etc., Years ago, I created an Educational/Inspirational Global Travel Show and wrote 18 segments focusing on amazing locations, native culture and wildlife. While in the midst of shooting the sizzle reel, I was diagnosed with multiple brain tumors and life came to a screeching halt. As one of my biggest passions, I look forward to completing this project and producing it. In this class, I hope to elevate my scripts in order to be sure they are the best they can be, and marketable. Unique about me: I’ve trekked all over the globe and I’m most happy with a rucksack and my hiking boots exploring a jungle or way-out-of the-way exotic place somewhere deep in nature. Looking forward to working with you all and reading your work.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Diana Collins. Reason: updated with info, didn't have time to write previously

[Diana Collins]

Diana Collins

I agree to the terms of this release form

[Diana Collins]

Hi Karen,

Wow, what an elevation. It’s obviously so much more descriptive and creates an entire picture in your head. You didn’t excellent job at expanding it into a full-blown visual. Really like this change.

NOTES: EXCELLENT rewrites! REALLY visually tells the story – you’ve written the action lines very well, and the story and characters are coming through clearer and better.

I’ve highlighted some of the sections that really tell the story. ON THIS PAGE they only show as BOLD / ITALICS.

Great job!

–REWRITES:

NURSE PHOBE, (sister to the king,) A magical dragon, lives by the mantra: The hand that rocks the cradle rules the nation. As royal aunt and caretaker to the royal infant twin dragon, PRINCE PERCY and PRINCESS ZENITH, this is her guiding light.

EXT. CLOUDS – DAY

During the invasion, Nurse Phoebe, turns invisible, as she flies to the upper atmosphere. A heavy mist shrouds her. The air is so thin, she grows faint. Dizzy. Fearful for the prince’s life, Nurse Phoebe shoves him inside the strata of a cumulus cloud. A tear slides down her face, splatters, and envelops Prince Percy. He cries. She hugs him,

Prince Percy lingers inside the cloud’s atmosphere, cold and alone. His crying echoes inside the layers of cloud cover, growing louder, until he cries himself into exhaustion.

Thunder claps. Lightning flashes, and for a milli-second, a portal opens. The prince slides through it inside the teardrop’s trajectory; down, down, down, spiraling faster and faster, through galaxies of stars and planets, somersaulting through space and time, ricocheting past forests and plains on planet Earth, where the teardrop implodes inside a mud puddle.

PLOP!

EXT. LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY

(Action shows primary traits: insecure, clueless, invisible, but sees himself as a warrior.)

Nine-year-old, foster kid, DUSTY GREEN, wears Coca-Cola glasses heavier than he is. He wears a dragon amulet around his neck–a remnant from a father he barely remembers.

(Action shows primary traits: insecure, clueless, invisible.)

Dusty’s life is always new– new foster home, new school, new faces. The only thing not new, are the bullies. They all look the same.

EXT. LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY

Overhead, a hawk scans its territory as something flashes to the ground. Its claws flare. Its pupils enlarge. The hawk’s body falls at full velocity. At the last second, it pulls up. The hawk almost lands on something mud covered; something barely moving. She strikes. Misses. The something quits moving. She stares intently and strikes again.

KERSPLASH! Something huge lands in the puddle. The hawk staggers. Its wings drum the air. They glance Dusty’s cheek. Its beady eyes glare with malice, as it screams loud rebukes at Dusty. He raises his fist to feint an attack. The hawk retreats, and takes to the skies…

Dusty retrieves the lizard. He wipes mud off its face and blows air into its nose and mouth. The lizard blinks.

The school bell rings, and Dusty escapes his bullies to survive another day.

INT. DUSTY’S HOUSE – DAY

Dusty sneaks the lizard home.

BEDROOM

He names the lizard, Percy, and hides him in a shoe box under his bed.

Percy grows fast and follows Dusty invisibly without him knowing. Percy also heals Dusty’s cuts and scratches, including his most recent cut on his finger while slicing an apple. (It’s established early in the script, that true royalty can disappear/ heal wounds)…

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.

[Diana Collins]

• HI – Notes in Bold Bullet Italic, and I emailed them.
  

LOGLINE: A magical dragon’s penchant for stealing, results in a prison sentence for his only friend, forcing them to go on the lam to outer space.

For the Love of Percy

A buddy screenplay.

Character profile:

Percy the Dragon: One of the screenplay’s protags; the other is his buddy, Dusty.

Character Traits: Impulsive, undercover, invisible; evasive, secretive

Character subtext: A long-nosed, yellow-fanged, fire breathing, thieving, Robin Hood type, dragon.

Flaw: Inability to comprehend the laws of man.

Need: To belong/ be believable, which stems from trying to fit in a human world.

Want: To protect/save his friend Dusty– his only friend in the world.

Character Arc: Percy arcs from a dragon, deserted on earth, to king of the Planet Freome with Dusty.

Fear: Fear of losing his only friend and never have a life on earth.

• In his agenda you list “escape earth” but it looks like he wants to have a life on earth?

Agenda: Escape Earth. Find a good- looking female, (one with swagger,) and include Dusty as family.

Secret: He loves Princess Zenith, from Planet Freome, not knowing she is his sister.

What he doesn’t want to admit to himself: He may never be able to fill his agenda and end up alone.

Trait for improving script: Crafty. One given to deceptive plotting instead of clueless plotting.

Yes! Perfect – make it crafty.

Dusty Greene- An overweight, 9 y/o, vulnerable, foster kid with red hair, freckles, and Coca Cola glasses. A buddy protagonist with Percy.

Character Traits: Insecure, bullied, isolated, invisible.

Character Subtext: Clueless; invisible/the Little John in Robin Hood—never quite sure of himself.

Flaw: No confidence.

• Need: to know who he is. *to gain confidence and a sense of self?
• Yes! This all looks good.

Want: To be accepted

Character Arc: From a kid who doesn’t know who he is, to a royal subject on another planet.

Fear: To never fit; to not ever find true love.

**Agenda: Be a brave knight in shining armor with Percy, instead of a coward against his three bullies.

Secret: No one knows he knows a dragon, and he’s his best friend.

What he doesn’t want to admit to himself? That his life may never change.

Trait for improving script: Bravery– something needed for his self concept.

Nurse Phoebe:

Royal Aunt to slain king and queen; Nursemaid to their infant twins, Prince Percy and Princess Zenith.

Character Traits: Dedicated, loyal, intelligent, magical,

Character subtext: A Maid Marion. Do-gooder, supporter to her murdered brother, and his queen.

Flaw: She masks her emotions, but lives in constant fear after the takeover.

• Maybe her flaw needs to be more about her character – example: She lacks courage to stand up and be heard

Need: Obsessed with protecting the prince and princess– even at the risk of her own life.

Want: to survive

• Don’t we all? Is there a deeper want you can come up with?

Character arc: The nurse who protects the infants, becomes the matriarch of the family,

Fear: For her life.

• That ‘she isn’t strong enough to survive’?

Agenda: To ensure the twins survive the takeover and continue her family’s lineage.

Secret: Always on the lookout for escape.

What she doesn’t want to admit to herself: That she is living on hope, knowing the wicked queen wants her dead. What will happen to the prince and princess if this happens?

Trait for improving script? sensual, attracting the dragon king to her plight.

• Hmmmm. Not sure… maybe her secret is that she actually loves him? Or that she deceives him into thinking so? Then you may have basic for this.

Princess Zenith:

Dragon princess, daughter to slain king and queen. Twin to Percy. Kidnapped by invading king.

Character traits: Confident, spoiled, demanding

Character subtext: A Rapunzel princess, who lets down her hair, whenever she can get away with it.

Flaw: Lives in a fairy tale where princesses marry for love and not political implications.

Need: To make her own choices without the king’s interference. To grow up.

Wants: Percy

Fear: That she will not be able to marry for love, but for the good of the kingdom.

Agenda: To find a way to find Percy.

Secret: She dreams of escaping and tracking down Percy, her true love.

What she doesn’t want to admit to herself: That she may have lost Percy forever.

Traits for improving script: A suspicious nature that makes her question her kidnappers.

• Not sure the princess being in love with her brother flies. Have you considered that she remembers and adores her older brother and will do anything to find him?

TOBY MILLS, 39, An old Army buddy of Dusty’s. He comes to the funeral and cabin.

Character Traits: A party animal, womanizer, and salesmen.

Character Subtext: Toby is Dusty’s old Army buddy– a Fonzie party animal.

Flaw: An old Fonzie party animal.

Need: To be young.

• To be ‘thought of as one of the young crowd”?

Wants: A good time.

Fear: He’s losing his looks.

Agenda: Eat, drink and be merry.

Secret: He’s homeless; his women pay for his ride.

What does he not want to admit to himself? That he has made a mess of his life and he hangs onto friends like Dusty, cause that’s all he has left.

Traits for improving script? The sly trait. After he says good by to Dusty for the last time, Dusty’s, heirloom, dragon pendant that’s his father left him, is missing. Toby is a thief

• Therefore not really a friend, so you can play on that to add conflict to the script.

[Diana Collins]

Thank you Karen – I’m going to do another run through and see what I can do. Great note on the characters, although they are integral to the script, it may not be necessary here. Glad your enjoying it, and thanks for the notes and being my partner as well!

[Diana Collins]

Karen! I love the elevations in the sentences, they do make it so much more powerful!

GREAT JOB!! I love your choice of words and the way it plays through the story. Very creative writing!

Just a typo note: your logline is listed twice at the top, and the sentence: “I
edited out the age thing and concised the sentence at the same time.” I think you mean you ‘clarified it’.

[Diana Collins]

Hey Benito, I know Leo replied to work with you – but since I’m reading everything, I just thought I’d add a couple comments.

First off, I like your story, and I usually don’t like horror but it’s fun to have a ‘scary wildlife movie’ – I think they can provide great entertainment. Especially, like in reality, the cause is some human issue which causes the transgression.

Just a couple of suggestions:

“they become stalked” better to read ‘they are stalked’

There are a lot of extra words you can cut to flow the read better. Example:

• This:

Protesters and News media block a construction crew from entering a new housing development close to the Florida Everglades. As the site foreman and local law enforcement arrive to defuse the situation <s>with the local sheriff and law enforcement.</s> the group demand answers. Are the materials they’re using safe or are they harmful to the environment? <s>as to the safety of materials they are using that have been deemed harmful to the environment, and</s> They also claim the construction is displacing the wildlife causing them to move into populated areas and attack the residents.

• Becomes this:

Protesters and News media block a construction crew from entering a new housing development close to the Florida Everglades. As the site foreman and local law enforcement arrive to defuse the situation the group demand answers. Are the materials they’re using safe or are they harmful to the environment? They also claim the construction is displacing the wildlife causing them to move into populated areas and attack the residents.

JUST a suggestion, but I think you can clean up the lines and condense them more powerfully.

So have fun – I see Leo will partner with you.

Look forward to reading what you guys have.

Best, D

[Diana Collins]

Hello – emailed ‘blue note’ copy. See bold / bullet below.

The opening: FOR THE LOVE OF PERCY, First 1-4 pages. The setup.

THE LOGLINE: #1. LOGLINE: A magical dragon’s penchant for stealing, results in a prison sentence for his only friend, forcing them to go on the lam to outer space.

EXT. SPACE – DAY

OPENING LINE: Inside the vast corridors, and hurling debris of space blaze secrets too deep to fathom; of such, includes satellites, moons and earth-like planets, like Planet Freome–Planet of the Dragons, which intersects with the Bermuda Triangle.

• Love this!

INCITING INCIDENT: (First ten pages. Sets things in motion. Huge, dynamic change in protag’s life. Upset balance of forces:)

The kingdom of dragons involves a Rambo type battlefield/arena, to establish rank. Eventually, the kingdom’s invaded. The king and queen are murdered. The royal dragon, Nurse Phoebe, nurse to the infant twins, hides Prince Percy inside a cumulous cloud. Princess Zenith is taken.

Oh this is great – very clear.

By page 10, you know what the movie is about.

TURNING POINT:(A twist, a change of life. An enlightenment)

The prince falls into a portal to earth. A school boy, Dusty saves him from predators. Percy in turn, saves Dusty from bullies, and grows up with him. Dusty graduates, marries and goes into the Army to Afghanistan.

• How about “The Dragon Prince falls…” rest looks good.

MIDPOINT: (The protagonist is forced to react from the biggest blow yet delivered by the antagonist. (In Die Hard, McClane throws a dead guy out the window and shoots up a police car.)

Dusty doesn’t know Percy, (who’s capable of turning invisible and healing wounds,) is fighting the war with him. Percy jumps in front of Dusty and ferociously battles visibly and in-visibly for his only friend. 2^nd

• What about (who’s magical powers cloak him in invisibility and heal battle wounds)

TURNING POINT: All is lost. Dusty returns to his family. Percy goes to space to find roots. Unknowingly, finds his home planet.

• Good!

Nurse Phoebe, recognizes him as the spitting image of his father. Princess Zenith has her debut, and picks Percy. The wicked king who murdered Percy’s family, denounces him. Percy’s ousted. Time passes.

CRISIS: True dilemma. Nothing works.

Percy returns to Dusty’s cabin and finds him mourning his wife. Dusty doesn’t remember Percy. They reunite. His bratty, narcissistic, grown children have deserted him after <s>he goes</s> he’s gone bankrupt helping them. Friction sparks between Percy who’s used to taking whatever he wants, including a new car, which sends Dusty to jail. Percy breaks him out.

CRISIS:

Nurse Phobe returns with the princess. The nurse tells the prince and princess the truth about them being siblings. They can never be together. She reports,(space needed) The wicked king and queen have died in a volcano; They want Percy to return and take his rightful place as king

• This is good because we see him rejoin his family and be welcomed back to his kind. It gives him a place / reason to “go home”

CLIMAX:

As they leave, the cops close in. Percy and Dusty escape as the cabin burns. Together, with the nurse, Princess Zenith, Dusty and Percy leave for space. As the portal closes, they get stuck in a gravitational storm. They barely make it to Planet Freome.

• Good bit of last minute action, and we see our favorite characters all together and on their way through their last challenge.

RESOLUTION:

Inside Planet Freome, Percy is crowned king. Dusty is in awe during the coronation when a door opens and Percy escorts his wife toward him. They are both young again. Overhead, inside the Bermuda Triangle, a plane drones. Aboard it, awaits Dusty’s rebellious kids, now ironically lifelong citizens of the Planet of Freome.

• ABSOLUTELY LOVE this ending. Great story, loads of room for buddy moments, great visuals and fun. Perfect Sunday family movie. GOOD JOB!

[Diana Collins]

• Hello Marti – not sure if you still need comments – here are mine, in bold / bullet point. Diana

The title of my script is: Not Forgotten

Logline: After suffering catastrophic injuries in Afghanistan, a suicidal Army Captain finds the one therapy that helps him cope causes blackouts, forcing him to confront the truth about the death of his brother years before.

• Great – love the logline, well written!
• Great word count – tells the story, AND not too long (word count 260)

One Page:

NOT FORGOTTEN is the story of Frank Parris, a former college football star and career Army captain, who suffers catastrophic injuries at the hands of a suicide bomber in Afghanistan. A double amputee, with a traumatic brain injury that eliminates any chance for his continued career in the military, Frank believes his life is over. Not even a loving wife and a five-year-old son, who worships him even more than his beloved Transformers, can bring Frank out of his depression.

• Excellent opening and intro to the character! We get a feel of who he ‘was’ and who he ‘becomes’ very quickly. Love the family element, brings heart to the story, the word ‘worship’ tells it all, gives the story immediate depth and subtext.

When he refuses his prosthetics and stops physical therapy, Frank’s family and doctors become extremely concerned. As a last resort, his doctor introduces him to adaptive scuba diving, an extreme sport that is highly effective in helping wounded warriors accept their “new reality.” At first he’s skeptical. Then 5-year-old Tyler shows him a drawing he’s done with Frank on one side in a wheelchair and on the other as Optimus Prime, a superhero with titanium limbs, and asks, “Daddy, why won’t you be a Transformer?” Frank realizes that his career isn’t all he’s going to lose and he agrees to try.

• Again, we see a possible transformation in his character, propelled by an emotional child. Great choice. I “Wants to see what happens”! Good opportunity for him to face a massive challenge, and we aren’t sure he’ll make it. Can go either way.

Frank embraces his scuba training with the zeal of a true athlete until he finds that every time he goes into the water, he suffers a blackout. After his doctors eliminate all the potential physical causes, Frank is forced to confront the memory of his involvement in the waterproofing accident that took the life of his younger brother and several members of his unit years before or give up any hope of coming to terms with his new life.

• The ‘waterproofing accident’ confused me. Can you clarify or leave out cause and suggest? I did look up an article in the NYTimes which talks about an accident such as this where one man may die, but overall don’t understand what that could be – do you think this might confuse reader?
• I love the idea and see lots of possibilities for challenges, conflict and character growth. Great job!

[Diana Collins]

Hey Marti – I’m having problems with notifications – didn’t even know you’d replied. ALSO – the date / time stamp on the forums is completely messed up so am not sure when you replied. Do you have a partner yet? I’ll go look for your day 1 now. Easier to exchange via email, mine is OrionWildife3@gmail.com or 818-741-0740

[Diana Collins]

Hello Carol, I’m working with Karen Crider, but happy to work with additional writers. In last class we had a solid group and it really helped. If you still need a partner please let me know. Best,
Dia

[Diana Collins]

OVERVIEW: (325 words)

Diana’s suggestion notes in BLUE – *apparently the formatting doesn’t paste here, so I put ‘bold’ / ‘bullet points’ on my comments

• Good word count!

Prince Percy, the infant dragon of King Ferdinand and Queen Sophie, is cast in a cloud

• *is there a more descriptive way to say this? I’m not sure what this means) by his nurse, after his planetary kingdom is vanquished and his parents murdered. He enters a portal
  

• *does the cloud propel him into the portal?

from Planet Freome and falls to Earth inside a raindrop at a local school.

A bullied, third grade boy, Dusty, sneaks home what he thinks is a lizard. After Percy rescues the boy from bullies, Dusty realizes the lizard is a magical dragon. (*maybe: ‘Dusty, a bullied third grader, finds a lizard and sneaks him home only to discover he’s actually a magic dragon when Percy rescues him from bullies!*Note you’ve used bullied and bullies twice, so maybe a different word? or just start with Third grader Dusty sneaks a lizard….rescues him from his bully classmates”) 

They grow up together, but after graduation, Dusty marries, and goes into the Army.

• *maybe mention the ‘many years of friendship’ instead of “they grow up together”? Something like: ‘After many years of adventure together, Dusty inherited the dragon’s confidence, graduated top of this class, married his sweetheart and joined the army’. Is there a character arc resulting from the friendship?

The dragon follows him for years invisibly, (*Does Dusty know Percy has stayed with him?) even to war in Afghanistan, where Percy takes shrapnel, protecting his only friend. After years of service, Dusty is discharged, and goes home. When Percy’s convinced his friend is safe, (*consider using more ‘now/active’ ideas: ‘With Dusty safely back home, Percy leaves to explore space in search of his kin’) he explores space. He searches for his own kind everywhere, until he finds the Planet Freome, Planet of the Dragons; unknowingly, his home planet.

• *Do they have any interaction? a heartfelt goodbye? Are any of his kin left on Planet Freome?

The princess, (who is actually his twin sister, taken as an infant) selects Percy at her coming out debut as her beau. The king (who murdered Percy’s family,) objects, Percy is slung into the portal by the king’s goons. He’s transported to Earth where he decides to track down his old friend, Dusty, whose wife has died. Dusty is in mourning. He’s taken his wife’s ashes to their lake cabin to scatter, when Percy returns.

• Consider if you might have an idea flow better: *The Princess, Percy’s twin sister taken by the King who killed his family, selects Percy to escort her at her coming out debut. The King objects and Percy is once again flung into the portal by the Kings goons.

Dusty has forgotten about Percy, as if he’s a childhood fantasy. A clash results, but they reunite as friends. From that point on, whatever Dusty needs, Percy steals,

• *what’s your thought behind making the Dragon suddenly a thief?

frustrating Dusty all the more. Eventually, Percy’s blamed

• *did you mean Dusty was blamed?

and charged with grand larceny. His indifferent, grown children ignore his pleas for help, after he blames the theft on a dragon. He ends up in prison. Percy breaks him out, and before the portal closes forever, they go on the lam into space, only to discover, the Bermuda Triangle intersecting with Planet Freome, lends more than irony as a home-warming gift.

• *I’m not sure what the resolution is, and don’t understand this line. Can you make this more clear?

• Some thoughts:
• Your One Page doesn’t make it clear to me who the protagonist or antagonist is, or show a character arc.
• The story is a nice blend of fantasy and real-world experience. Who is your audience?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Diana Collins.

[Diana Collins]

Hey Karen – agreed – phone is good. I’m in Los Angeles. 818-741-0740. Where are you located? I’m not sure if you can get anything unless you are logged into the SU site. The course materials are all on under the tab “your screenwriting classes” that opens a window and then you click on the photo on the right which opens another one where you click ‘continue’. let me know what time zone your in and we’ll arrange to talk. In the meantime, I’ll review your one page and give you any suggestions I think may help. I really like your story.

Have you found my one page and logline?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 12 months ago by  Diana Collins.

[Diana Collins]

go to the day 1 assignments. All the One Pages and Loglines are there. I did notice that some people haven’t posted yet though.

[Diana Collins]

Well, I think then we were meant to work together. I apologize, have been out of town all day, so just seeing this. Just got back. I think Hal suggested exchanging phone numbers and talking, and need to figure out best way for feedback.

[Diana Collins]

Hey Karen, just saw this. Would you want to partner up? I like your one page, sounds really cool.

[Diana Collins]

Yes! Your write (haha!) Acyually these are the best classes. I took a pro-series 8 years ago (YIKES!!) and my classmates and I really connected and there are SO many of them who are doing great now. I highly recommend any of the classes – as long as you get involved and read, read, read, edit, rewrite – etc – you’ll do fine. Thanks for your note. Part of our success is connecting and learning from each other. Best to you, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Yes, it was 2014. Lost the last 8 years, then covid mess, it’s been a while.

Glad to hear to most went on – same here. Looking forward to the class as well.

[Diana Collins]

Yes, this is very different than we used before. Oh well, good to keep learning. Thanks for your help.

[Diana Collins]

Hey Frank, thanks for the note back. I was in PS43. Had an AMAZING GROUP!! but unfortunately was LONG time ago… had a medical issue that sidetracked me from moving next into Masterclass. Which one where you in?

[Diana Collins]

Hello Leo, good on the 5 scripts and shorts! Agreed, time to elevate and sell! Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hey Greg, agreed – lets sell our scripts! Sounds like you’ve had an interesting life with loads of experience to draw from, how cool is that? We love little animals (well ALL animals) but have two cats at the moment. Always finding homes for strays too. Looking forward to reading your work. Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hello Susan, good on the TV pilot and show, sounds like loads of work already done. Love that your a return student, as am I. Feel the same way – great experience here at SU. The goat thing made me laugh, thats what they do LOL. Anyway, looking forward to reading your work. Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hello David – wow what a list! congrats on all the work you’ve done. Love that your writing a ‘young’ mind. Looking forward to seeing your work. Bye, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hey Heather, CONGRATS on the contest wins. Keep going! I love writing shorts and novels as well. Working on a trio series for a publisher now. Looking forward to reading your work.

[Diana Collins]

Hello Althea – great goal, I’m excited to dive deep into my scripts as well and find the best elevation I can. Congrats on doing this AND being grandmom – think how cool they’ll think you are when your script gets produced! Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hey George, sounds like you like comedy – that’s great, we all need a good laugh now-a-days. I’ve taken classes with SU as well, but it’s been a long break for me. Glad to hear your continuing to elevate your script. looking forward to reading.Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hi Frank, wow – two great careers! Lots of writers I know are retired and working full time on writing – lucky guy! Agreed, classes are informative and exhausting! I decided to practice my reading / listening / reply skills and say hello to everyone. Have no fear, SU is here! Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hey Judith, like your goal #3. Me too. Also – Basenji dogs are great! Looking forward to seeing your work, don’t write horror or thriller, but enjoy reading them. Best,Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hi Elizabeth, love the photo with baby! Have you ever produced any of the playscripts? Also, what kind of escape rooms do you create? Sounds interesting. I’m also a designer and do a lot of meditation / relaxing ‘spaces’ for clients. Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hi Vincent. So funny – I have two kats and a Kid – they wonder the same thing. LOL. Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hey there Fernando, congrats on the writing TV Pilots. I wrote a series as well, but fell through the cracks for a bit. Back on it now. What are your pilots about? Use your ‘magic skills’ to elevate them and get them into production! See you in class, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hello Benito, sounds like you’ve been busy writing and taking classes! GREAT for you! Keep going. If you haven’t taken the prop series or masterclass, I highly recommend them. I don’t like horror, but I love supernatural and (not tooooo scary)ghost stories. SO what’s the story on “growing up in a haunted house”? Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hey Neil, wow – loads of scripts! Love journalism, being on the paper staff brought you around to the career you are in now – so that’s a great thing. Bye, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hello Tom, working on that as well. Good goal. Also good luck on the book! Bye, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hey Karen, I’m a lifetime writer as well. Lots have died. LOL. love the poetry side – great as creative outlet. Nice to meet you (virtually) too. Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hello Shannon, your opening sentences really made me laugh. I know the shredder very well. The thing is – every word we write propels us towards greatness, so we need to write the ‘crap’ to get it out and gone. Love that you write comedy. I can’t. looking forward to working with you as well. Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hi Greg, I took the pro series, but missed the masterclass I wanted to join. Will do someday soon. 11!! Yikes, I had 6 and that was tough. LOL. Best, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hello Carol, love your intro. Am into the same things – except the reruns, LOL. Anyway, have you posted your day 1 assignment? Didn’t see it, but would like to read. Thanks, Dia

[Diana Collins]

Hey Marti, I sent you a message but it didn’t appear here, so thought I’d try again. I didn’t see your Day 1 assignment posted, and am interested in seeing if you may want to partner. I am also a diver, and love animals and wildlife. I’ve worked with rescue and in conservation most of my life. Let me know when you post, I’d like to see what you’ve written. Thanks! Dia

[Diana Collins]

Thank you Susan. It’s confusing because when I hit the white button it says “reply to: cheryl croasmun”, so I wasn’t sure where it would end up. This forum looks very different to me than the ones we used in class. Thanks again!

[Diana Collins]

How are you guys posting to each other, when I hit reply it’s not working. Help please?