Don Thompson
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Don Thompson
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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I’m ready to exchange feedback. I have an approx 90-page draft that is ready to review by someone in the group. Thank you! Don Thompson
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Don Thompson’s chronological edits
What I learned: I have used chronological edits in the past to great effect. They are, in fact, my favorite type of editing on a script.
I went through three chronological edits on the script for ‘Billy Budd’, looking to improve:
Flow, Clarity, Descriptions, Dialog
I am flagging this assignment as complete.
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Don Thompson solved scene problems
What I learned: scene problems are another key element to include in a re-write list. Including this and other elements, such as dealing with character and structure problems, provide a comprehensive plan for an initial re-write.
The current draft is 85 pages, derived from an approximately 80-page initial draft. The current 85-page draft is the basis for the next re-write and allows me to flag the course as complete, although admittedly there is more work to do.
Various issues dealt with in the current rewrite:
1. Scene and structure – addressed weak elements in some scenes, added scenes to strengthen the plot and character.
2. Character – dealt with issues that made the characters similar in terms of their dialog. Differentiated the characters.
3. Dealt with the emotional arc of the characters, in particular the antagonist.
4. Increased the sense of bonding between the protagonist and his ‘helper/mentor’ (per the hero’s journey).
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Don Thompson’s Solved Character Problems!
What I learned: I’ve learned over the course of writing several screenplays that the issues pointed out by Hal are generally found in most first drafts.
Note: below is a PLAN that will need to be executed during the rewrite, along with the plan to address structural issues noted in the previous lesson. As of 2/1, I have an initial rewrite that allows me to flag this and the previous lesson as done.
The PLAN:
1. My protagonist and antagonist are fairly well thought out and drawn, based on the source material on which the story is based.
2. I actually felt this was an issue in the original ‘Billy Budd’ film – that is, the antagonist was *too* evil. I humanized the antagonist (Claggart) in this updated version. Billy is still as naïve as in the original, but, I feel, believable.
3. I will revisit the character intros.
4. Characters are, for the most part, included in action – I will review to ensure this is the case.
5. All the characters are the same – this is true of the Captain, Seymour and Racliff in particular – the officer leadership of the ship. They need to be differentiated more.
6. Lead characters not present – I’m fairly good about having characters be ‘in the moment’ and not too ‘on the nose’ in terms of sermonizing or ‘giving us the author’s message’. That said, I will look for moments that seem too ‘on the nose’.
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Don Thompson’s Solved Structural Problems
What I learned: to lay out a clear plan for solving structural problems that can be executed in the actual rewrite. To me, this is definitely a two-step process.
Note: the actual rewrite will not occur during this class as it is too time-consuming for my current schedule. The bottom line is that I’m planning now for future changes. I currently have an 85-page first draft that is the basis for rewrites.
Possible Structural Changes:
1. Johnson’s death and Billy’s subsequent promotion could come earlier so as to get to the heart of the story sooner.
2. Billy coming on board the HMS Indomitable and how that occurred could be accomplished via flashbacks, rather than opening the film.
3. Billy could kill Claggart sooner.
4. Additional scenes might be added: flashback sof Claggart’s time in London that resulted in a manslaughter charge prior to him being forced to join the Navy.
How this could impact Structure:
Current Structure (taken from Lesson 5):
Act 1:
• Opening – Billy Budd is taken from ‘The Rights of Man’ as an impressment (forced recruit)
• Inciting Incident – Johnson challenges Billy Budd to a fight
• Turning Point – Billy Budd is unable to save Johnson when he falls ill
Act 2:
• New plan – Billy Budd will try to impress Claggart and the Captain
• Plan in action – Billy gets promoted to chief maintopman
• Midpoint Turning Point – Claggart decides he must defeat Billy Budd via deception
Act 3:
• Rethink everything – The status quo continues on the HMS ‘Indomitable’
• New plan – Billy tries to befriend Claggart
• Turning Point – Unable to befriend Claggart, Billy retreats
Act 4:
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Claggart falsely accuses Billy of mutiny
• Resolution – Billy kills Claggart and is hanged by the Captain who decides he needs to abide by ‘the rule of law’ and not ‘what is correct under the circumstances’ (to acquit Billy).
Proposed Structure:
Act 1:
• Billy Budd is already impressed on the HMS Indomitable’ from the merchant ship ‘The Rights of Man’. He fights Johson, resulting in Johnson’s injury and ultimately death when he falls from the topmast.
• Inciting Incident – Johnson challenges Billy Budd to a fight.
FLASHBACK: Scenes of Billy Budd’s impressment (forced recruitment) from ‘The Rights of Man’.
• Turning Point – Billy Budd tries to save Johnson from a fall but cannot; Johnson dies; Johnson’s funeral at sea.
Act 2:
• New plan – Billy Budd will try to impress Claggart and the Captain
FLASHBACK: Scenes from Claggart’s life in London where he was involved in manslaughter and forced to join the Navy.
• Plan in action – Billy gets promoted to chief maintopman
• Midpoint Turning Point – Claggart decides he must defeat Billy Budd via deception
Act 3:
• Rethink everything – The status quo continues on the HMS ‘Indomitable’
• New plan – Billy tries to befriend Claggart
• Turning Point – Unable to befriend Claggart, Billy retreats
Act 4:
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Claggart falsely accuses Billy of mutiny
• Resolution – Billy kills Claggart and is hanged by the Captain who decides he needs to abide by ‘the rule of law’ and not ‘what is correct under the circumstances’ (to acquit Billy)
Denouement: After Billy is hanged, the ship is attacked by a French Frigate and disabled. The ship drifts in the fog until rescued by a Spanish (allied) Frigate. Danskar travels to Madrid with the cross he had given to Billy. Danskar lays the cross at the foot of a statue of the Virgin Mary in a Cathedral. The SOUND OF CATHEDRAL bells at the end of the film signified Billy’s spiritual transcendence.
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Don Thompson Filled in Missing Scenes!
What I learned: I was fairly proactive in terms of documenting the required scenes. This was made easier by the fact that the script is an adaptation.
Filling in missing scenes will involve additional fleshing out of the current scenes to determine if there are opportunities to make the storytelling more full-bodied. In some cases, the current scenes are more along the lines of an outline. Also some additional scenes could be added.
Examples of additional scenes include:
1. Having Danskar interact with the other African-descended crew on the ship.
2. Flashbacks of Claggart’s relationship in London that led to his manslaughter charge and ultimately being forced to join the navy.
Examples of embellished scenes could include:
1. The final five pages or ‘denouement’ where Danskar goes to Madrid.
2. Additional banter of the crew.
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Don Thompson’s Act 4 resolution
What I learned is that this story was that I felt it important to add a dénouement to the end of Act 4 that expresses the spiritual nature of the story. I used the metaphor of Cathedral Bells to express this spiritual sentiment. In this way, the protagonist transcends the tragedy of the story.
EXT. MID-DECK – HOURS LATER
The Indomitable has lifted anchor and is drifting.
Suddenly, out of the fog, the bow of another ship appears with a bowhead that looks like the Virgin Mary.
Danskar, still holding Billy in his arms, looks up. He hears an almost DISEMBODIED VOICE.
VOICE
Ahoy!
Another SAILOR moves toward the bow.
SAILOR
Ahoy! We’ve been in battle and are drifting! Are you British?
VOICE
We are Spanish. Our Lady of Mercy!
DANSKAR
We need your help!
CUT TO:
EXT. OUR LADY OF MERCY – SPANISH FRIGATE – MINUTE LATER
The crew of ‘Our Lady of Mercy’ shuttles the wounded from the HMS Indomitable to her. Radcliff and Seymour are among those taken to the ship.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUR LADY OF MERCY – SAME TIME
Danskar leans against the railing of ‘Our Lady of Mercy’, taking it all in.
CUT TO:
EXT. MADRID, SPAIN – DAY
Danskar looks up to the edifice of a large Catholic Cathedral in Madrid.
He walks up the long stairways, and then into the Cathedral halls.
Inside, he stands for a moment and takes in the ornate Cathedral.
Danskar walks to the front of the cathedral, where a statue of the Virgin Mary looms over the pews.
He looks up at the Virgin and then walks to place an offering in the bowl.
His offering is the same small cross that he had given to Billy Budd and later removed after Billy’s hanging.
He looks up to the Virgin and crosses himself in the style of Catholics.
EXT. CATHEDRAL – SAME
TIMEOutside, the BELLS CHIME twelve noon.
The film ends with the beautiful sounds of the CATHEDRAL BELLS.
Danskar exits the Cathedral, and stands on the steps, looking up at the brilliant sun as the BELLS CONTINUE TO RING.
THE END
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Don Thompson’s Act 4 Climax
What I learned: The climax of this story involves the death of the Captain as he was ultimately the cause of the protagonist’s death. In this sense, the film has more than one antagonist.
EXT. BOW OF SHIP – SAME TIME
The Watchman calls out:
WATCHMAN
Captain! Enemy ship to immediate port!
Seymour looks to port side, near the cliffs. One of the cliffs was a jetty, and a French ship was behind it. It is now revealed, and extremely close to the HMS Indomitable.
Seymour turns to the Captain.
SEYMOUR
Captain! Captain we have to prepare for battle.
The Captain waves him off.
Seymour moves toward midship, SHOUTING TO THE MEN.
SEYMOUR
Who has Claggart’s keys?
SAILOR
I do!
SEYMOUR
Get the rifles!
The CANNONEERS also SHOUT.
CANONMAN ONE
Man the cannons!
But it is too late.
The French ship FIRES at the HMS Indomitable, striking one of her masts – the one where Billy was hanging. It falls to the deck, trapping dozens of men who SCREAM in agony.
As it falls, it strikes Captain Vere, killing him.
Some of the riflemen line up and FIRE at the French Ship.
Danskar goes to Billy and looks at him. He notices Billy has the cross around his neck that he had given to him. He removes it from Billy’s neck and holds it in his hand.
The men continue to FIRE their rifles at the French ship and the Cannoneers manage to send a CANNON VOLLEY that hits the bow of the French ship, causing severe damage.
Suddenly, a THICK FOG engulfs the scene. The conflict quiets down as neither ship can see the other.
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Don Thompson’s Act 4 First Scenes
What I learned: The reaction to the turning point becomes clear as the final scenes unfold tragically.
EXT. HMS INDOMITABLE – DAY
The ship has been brought to a standstill near some rocky cliffs. The men have all been ordered on deck. They stand in two lines on either side of the deck, mid-ship.
The Captain, Seymour, and Radcliff all stand on the Quarter Deck looking out over the men.
BACK TO THE MEN
One sailor GRUMBLES to another.
SAILOR ONE
What the hell happened? Where’s Budd?
SAILOR TWO
And Claggart?
TAYLOR
Something’s up for sure.
BACK TO THE CAPTAIN
From the Quarter Deck, the Captain nods to Radcliff, who reads from a writ.
RADCLIFF
On this 24th day of August, 1797, by order of the Captain Edwin Fairfax Vere, one William Budd, Captain of the Foretop, is to be executed for the willful murder of a superior officer, John Claggart, Master-at-Arms. The execution will take place in front of all the men on this ship that they might know that the rule of law, and military law and justice, prevail on this ship and that such an event is the just and rational outcome of the actions of the accused.
The men all GRUMBLE among themselves. Some shout ‘No’ and ‘It can’t be’ and so on.
RADCLIFF
Order! Stand at attention!
EXT. BELOW QUARTER DECK
– STAIR TO THE BRIGA SAILOR holds Billy, who has his hands tied behind his back.
He walks with Billy toward the bow of the ship, where the hangman’s noose has been set.
The men all watch as Billy is walked toward the bow of the ship, to the forward mainmast, where the hangman’s rigging is set up.
As they approach the bow, Billy turns and SHOUTS to the Captain.
BILLY
God Bless Captain Vere!
Captain Vere, on hearing this, is overcome and retreats to the rear of the Quarter Deck.
BACK TO BILLY
A HANGMAN (25) puts the noose around Billy’s neck. Billy looks around to the crew, who all stare up to him, with some rubbing their eyes in tears. Danskar in particular is overwhelmed.
CLOSE: Danskar, as tears stream down his face. BACK TO BILLY
The Hangman pulls the lever to the device, and Billy is pulled up to the hanging position.
His legs twitch several times, then he is dead. Danskar walks up to where Billy is and looks up.
CUT TO:
POV: FROM WHERE BILLY IS, WE SEE DANSKAR LOOKING UP AND BILLY WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE. THE IMAGE IS IDENTICAL TO BILLY’S DREAM.
Danskar looks up, shielding his eyes from the bright sunlight.
DANSKAR
Goodbye Billy Budd!!
SEVERAL DOZEN of the men, including Kinkaid, rush toward the Quater Deck angrily, SHOUTING at the Captain, Seymour and Radcliff: “Claggart deserved it” – “Why did you kill him?”, etc. The Officers are taken aback, but interrupted!
CUT TO:
EXT. BOW, SAME TIME
The Watchman calls out:
WATCHMAN
Captain! Enemy ship to immediate port!
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Don Thompson’s Completed Act 3
What I learned: the ‘lowest point’ of the protagonist occurs in this section of this script. The structural breakdown is working.
The Captain observes. He takes his pulse, then turns to Seymour.
VERE
Check him.
Seymour takes his pulse.
SEYMOUR
He’s quite dead.
Claggart turns to Radcliff.
VERE
Go get the doctor. Not a word about this as you do! Not a word!
Radcliff rushes out. Vere again checks his pulse and slaps him.
VERE
Claggart! Claggart!
Seymour looks on.
SEYMOUR
He’s quite dead, Captain.
CAPTAIN
Mr. Seymour, take Mr. Budd and Mr. Squeak below to detention, then return here immediately.
Billy is now able to speak.
BILLY
I didn’t mean to kill him, Captain. Just to shut him up.
Vere waves him on.
CAPTAIN
Go with Seymour and wait. We’ll sort this out.
Seymour leaves with Billy and Squeak. Radcliff returns with the SHIPS DOCTOR (50).
VERE
(to the Doctor) Check him.
The doctor leans down and checks his pulse and vitals.
DOCTOR
What happened?
VERE
One of the men gave Claggart a single blow to the head. Certainly not enough to kill him.
DOCTOR
I’m sorry Captain, I have to disagree. Your man levied his blow at precisely the right place to cause this man to hemorrhage.
Vere can’t believe it.
VERE
Astounding. I’ve never seen such a thing.
DOCTOR
I’ve seen it once before. It was in a wrestling match when one of the fighters became so angry he struck his opponent just like this and his opponent was Immediately dead.
RADCLIFF
Billy probably did us a favor, Captain.
Vere is incensed.
VERE
Will you shut up man! Do you even understand what you just said!
Radcliff lowers his eyes.
CAPTAIN
I’m sorry, Captain. My sincerest apologies.
Seymore returns.
The Captain directs them toward a small table and each pulls up a chair.
VERE
Now, Gentlemen, what the hell do we do?
Seymour eyes over the Captain.
SEYMOUR
We don’t have many options, sir, in my opinion.
But if we take action against Budd, we actually do risk a mutiny.
VERE
So Claggart was right?
SEYMOUR
But he brought it about, the bastard!
Vere rubs his face with his hands.
VERE
Radcliff?
RADCLIFF
We have to let Budd free. He was clearly not intending to kill Claggart. No one will miss the man. We just need to concoct some story about what happened. And hold Squeak in custody until we can make sure he won’t talk to the others.
Vere ponders.
VERE
I don’t believe any of you quite grasp what has happened.
Beat.
VERE
We need to execute Budd. We need to do it now.
SEYMOUR
Execution, sir? On what grounds?
VERE
He’s broken the law. He has struck an officer of rank and killed him dead on the spot. We can’t leave that unanswered.
Beat.
SEYMOUR
Well, perhaps. But there is the practicality of the situation.
VERE
Practicality!? There’s nothing practical about a lower-ranking sailor striking an officer dead.
RADCLIFF
In civilian courts, it would certainly be considered manslaughter.
Beat.
VERE
This is not a civilian court. This is a Man-Of-War ship on its way to reinforce the King’s navy on the coast of Spain. There’s a slight difference.
Silence.
RADCLIFF
Agreed.
Beat.
SEYMOUR
There may be a higher law at work, sir, than the military justice you seek.
VERE
Explain.
SEYMOUR
The rule of law is contextual, sir. It is not fixed. Using such logic, a soldier may kill without being accused of murder. And the military code clearly gives officers, particularly commanding officers, discretion and latitude in assessing any given situation and making an appropriate response.
Beat.
VERE
Continue.
SEYMOUR
Budd is well-liked among the men. He is, in fact, perhaps the most popular man on board this ship, with the possible exclusion of the cook – on a good day that is.
VERE
But we are not at war with ourselves. We are at war with the French.
Silence.
SEYMOUR
This is an internal battle we are experiencing sir. Not to be overly dramatic about it, but a battle for the soul of this ship. My vote is that Budd should be the emblem of what that means.
VERE
That’s all very pretty sounding, Mr. Seymour, but I must say you’ve been reading too much philosophy.
We are at war, we are the military, an impressed man struck an officer and killed him. He must be executed. It’s as simple as that.
Vere stands up, walks to the rear of his office, and looks out the window.
VERE
Gentlemen, I appreciate your input. I sincerely do. But we will hang Budd, and we will do it within the hour.
He turns around.
VERE
Mr. Radcliff, I order you to carry this out. And I order you to do it now.
Radcliff stands, salutes the Captain, and leaves. Seymour and the Captain are left alone.
VERE
Mr. Seymour, I know you disagree, but someday you will find wisdom in my choice. If we are not a nation of laws then we are nothing and will devolve into chaos. I will not let that happen on this ship.
Mr. Seymour stands as well and salutes the Captain and leaves.
SEYMOUR
Yes sir.
Seymour leaves.
The Captain looks out his window toward the ocean. He turns around. There stands Danskar. The Captain GASPS.
VERE
Good god, man! What are you doing here?
DANSKAR
You called for me.
Vere recollects.
VERE
Yes, I suppose I did. I don’t need you now.
DANSKAR
But don’t you want to know about Billy’s feelings toward Claggart?
VERE
It doesn’t matter now. Do you know what just conspired here?
Danskar nods his head ‘no’.
VERE
Good. Then back to your station.
Danskar continues to look at the Captain.
DANSKAR
Don’t kill Billy.
VERE
How do you know we intend to kill him?
DANSKAR
I can feel it in the air.
Beat.
DANSKAR
It won’t go over well. The men love him.
VERE
I didn’t ask for your opinion, did I?
DANSKAR
I’m givin’ it. They love him. You don’t want to kill that love.
VERE
My good man, if you don’t leave within 10 seconds I’ll have you taken to the brig.
Danskar continues to stare at him. He nods, and leaves.
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Don Thompson’s Act 3 Turning Point
What I learned: this turning point is the lowest point in the protagonists journey. For Billy, he has to defend himself from Claggart after reaching this low point.
EXT. QUARTER DECK – SAME TIME
Vere looks up to Mr. Seymour and Mr. Radcliff who man the Quarter deck.
VERE
Lt. Seymour and Radcliff! I must see you. Make haste!
BACK TO OFFICE
Vere returns to his desk, and Seymour and Radcliff enter. Once they do, he nods to Claggart.
VERE
Mr. Claggart, tell these two gentlemen what you just told me.
Beat.
CLAGGART
(takes a breath)
I told him that last night Kinkaid and Budd conspired to kill me but were thwarted by Mr. Seymour.
Vere eyes over Seymour.
VERE
Is this true, Seymour?
Seymour takes a deep breath.
SEYMOUR
Sir, I don’t believe it is entirely true.
VERE
Entirely true? They either wanted to kill him or they didn’t. Did you find a weapon?
SEYMOUR
Kinkaid had his knife ready, apparently. But I cannot and will not make a specific judgment as to his intent.
Vere is trying to assess things as he hears them. He nods to Claggart.
VERE
Claggart, go retrieve your assistant and Billy Budd.
RADCLIFF
You might bring in the Black Man Danskar as well. He is often speaking with Billy and may know something.
VERE
(nods to Claggart) Danskar as well.
Claggart retreats from the room. Once gone, Seymour confronts the Captain.
SEYMOUR
Captain, I’m sure Budd had no intention of killing Claggart, as much as Claggart was deserving and how he was pretty much uniformly despised by the men.
Vere puts his hand up to stop him.
VERE
Don’t! Don’t I tell you! Don’t speak that way about Mr. Claggart! Let him make his case.
Beat. The Captain stands and approaches the two men.
VERE
This is precisely what we don’t need. My career will likely be ruined when Admiralty gets wind of this. It comes down to me, you know, they will blame me for all of this!
The two men are silent. Claggart re-enters with Budd and Squeak.
CLAGGART
I was able to find Budd and Squeak. I have the word out for Danskar to come here as soon as he can.
Captain Vere looks both of the men over.
VERE
Mr. Squeak, stand aside.
Squeak stands back, leaving Billy standing alone in the middle of the room..
VERE
Mr. Claggart, I want you to face Mr. Budd and tell him exactly what you told me.
CLAGGART
Easily. Budd, I told the Captain that you, in alliance with Mr.
Kinkaid, were conspiring to kill me. That you were stalking me in the shadows and had it not been for Mr. Seymour would certainly have succeeded in your mission.
Billy STAMMERS a response.
BILLY
But… but…
The Captain raises his hand.
VERE
There’s more, Mr. Budd. Believe it or not! Mr. Claggart, do continue!
CLAGGART
I told him that you and Kinkaid were conspiring to kill me and that after my death was going to raid the gun lockers and take the ship by force.
Billy looks wide-eyed at Vere and Claggart.
CLAGGART
Tell him Squeak! Tell them how they were conspiring against me!
Squeak says nothing.
CLAGGART
Tell them Squeak what you told me! That Billy Budd is ill-intended and was conspiring to mutiny with the other impressments and take the ship!
Squeak still will not speak.
CLAGGART
He told me so, last night, to my face!
Vere, incredulous at the accusations, turns to Budd.
VERE
Budd, what do you have to say about all of this?
Billy STAMMERS. He cannot speak.
BILLY I… but… I…
CLAGGART
Just as I thought! He cannot answer because we know his intent! We know what he is thinking – the hatred he holds for me and the contempt he holds for the Captain!
Billy continues to try to stammer a response.
BILLY
But… b… but…
Just then Billy reaches back and strikes Claggart with a single blow to the temple. Claggart falls back.
Vere rushes to his side, as do Seymour and Radcliff. At first, Claggart seems alright. He has the same ambiguous smile on his face that he had when he first looked at Billy in the beginning of the film.
Then, quite suddenly, he slumps over, dead.
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Don Thompson’s Act 3 Middle Scenes
What I learned is that these middle scenes continue to build toward the final, climactic scenes in a way that holds the audience’s attention and makes the audience anticipate the outcome in a very visceral way.
INT. CLAGGART’S QUARTERS – MINUTES LATER
Squeak enters Claggart’s cramped quarters. Claggart is lying down, but bolts upright and stands as Squeak enters.
SQUEAK
I talked to Budd.
CLAGGART
He’ll mutiny?
SQUEAK
No, sir. He’s as loyal as a Prince.
Claggart’s face contorts and he slaps Squeak across the head. Squeak falls down, and holds his hands over his head.
SQUEAK
Don’t hit me Sir. I tried to get him to confess bad intentions, but he has none!
Claggart turns away, then kneels down and takes Squeak by the shoulders and shakes him.
CLAGGART
You listen to me! He has bad intentions! Do you understand!
Squeak shakes his head.
CLAGGART
Say it! Say it to me right now! Budd is mutinous, say it or I’ll see you as dead as Johnson!
Squeak looks at Claggart.
SQUEAK
He’s mutinous. Budd is mutinous.
CLAGGART
That’s it. And you swear by this?
Squeak shakes his head ‘yes’.
SQUEAK
I swear by it. He wants you dead, Mr. Claggart. He and Kincaid. After that, the impressments take control.
Just then there is a brisk KNOCK on the door. Seymour is outside.
EXT. DOOR TO CLAGGART’S QUARTERS – SAME TIME
SEYMOUR
Claggart? Claggart why aren’t you on watch?
Claggart speaks through the door.
CLAGGART
I was in the privy!
SEYMOUR
Well, get on with it. I’ll be on deck as well.
Claggart nods.
CLAGGART
I’ll be there in a minute.
EXT. MID-DECK – SAME TIME
In the shadows Kinkaid lurks with a knife. Claggart is back out on his watch. Kinkaid observes him as he paces.
From behind Kinkaid, Billy also appears. He can tell Kinkaid has his knife ready, and knows his intent.
Billy comes behind Kinkaid and grabs him, wrestling with him for a few moments.
Kinkaid’s knife falls out of his hand and slides down the deck.
Seymore hears the commotion and appears. Claggart also notices and rushes to where the two men are.
The four men stand tensely sizing each other up. Claggart sees the knife and picks it up.
CLAGGART
Who’s knife is this?
Both Billy and Kinkaid are silent.
KINKAID
It’s mine.
Seymour looks at Claggart intently.
SEYMOUR
Give it back to him.
CLAGGART
I should keep it as evidence.
SEYMOUR
Evidence of what? I see no crime here.
Claggart is taken aback.
SEYMOUR
Give him the knife, Mr. Claggart.
Claggart hands the knife to Kinkaid. Seymour turns to Kinkaid and Billy.
SEYMOUR
Get below, both of you. I’ll take the watch from here.
The two men shuffle below.
Once they leave, Claggart turns to Seymour.
CLAGGART
They wanted to kill me – or maybe both of us.
SEYMOUR
I don’t believe they wanted to kill me.
Beat.
CLAGGART
I see. So you would just as soon see me dead as well.
SEYMOUR
I wish death on no man.
Beat.
SEYMOUR
There is no need to include any of this on your report. Do you understand?
CLAGGART
It will not appear on the report.
SEYMOUR
Good. We understand each other then. We need peace on this ship of war.
CLAGGART
We need order.
Seymour looks at him intently, then leaves.
INT. LOWER DECK – SAME TIME
Billy is in his hammock. Danskar approaches.
DANSKAR
You’re not on your watch.
BILLY
Seymour took it.
DANSKAR
What’s with Kinkaid?
BILLY
He’s out for blood. Seems like he wanted to kill Claggart. I had to stop him.
DANSKAR
You stopped him? You’ll not get a medal for that.
BILLY
I don’t need any medals. As it is, Seymour let us both go.
DANSKAR
Seymour is a good man.
BILLY
I’m just hopin’ Claggart doesn’t ask Squeak to slit my throat.
DANSKAR
I’ll keep an eye out for ya.
BILLY
Thanks for that.
Beat.
BILLY
You know I had the strangest dream about you.
Beat.
BILLY
I dreamt I was looking down at you, and I was floating over the mid deck like an angel. It was an odd dream. The sun was shinin’ so bright I could barely look at it.
DANSKAR
But you did you look at it?
BILLY
I did. I looked right at it as it shone down on me and the rest of us. It was a light brighter than anything I’ve ever seen.
Danskar nods.
DANSKAR
God favors you, Billy. I’ve never had a dream like that – for all my prayin’ I’ve never had a dream like that.
Beat.
DANSKAR
One day the world will be ruled by the love of God, Billy. Of that I’m sure.
Billy smiles.
BILLY
I’m not sure about that, Danskar. But I like the thought of it.
FADE OUT/IN:
EXT. MID-SHIP DECK – NEXT DAY
CLOSE: Captain Vere commands Mr. Radcliff to provide more sail.
VERE
(to Radcliff)
Hoist the upper topsail. Brace up fore and aft. Set the courses.
He SHOUTS his orders to the men.
RADCLIFF
Hoist the upper topsail. Brace up fore and aft. Set the courses!
The men scurry into positions, and Billy takes his position at Chief of the Foretop on top of the mainsails.
The ship’s sails unfurl.
EXT. HMS IMDOMITABLE – SAME TIME
From afar, the ship can be seen in full glory with the sails unfurled.
BACK TO THE QUARTER DECK
Captain Vere turns to Radcliff.
VERE
A glorious day it is, Mr. Radcliff!
RADCLIFF
That it is, sir!
CUT TO:
INT. CAPTAIN VERE’S QUARTERS – MINUTES LATER
The Captain enters his cabin and breaks out his pipe to have a smoke. Just as he lights it, Claggart knocks on the door.
VERE
Come in!
Claggart enters.
CLAGGART
Sir, I have something of some importance to convey to you.
VERE
Does it need to be now? It’s a glorious day – I’d like to enjoy my pipe.
Beat.
CLAGGART
There’s mutiny afoot.
Vere stamps out his pipe and moves to confront Claggart face-to-face.
VERE
Mutiny? By whom?
CLAGGART
Budd.
VERE
Budd?
Beat.
CLAGGART
Last night, Kinkaid and Budd conspired to kill me. If it wasn’t for Mr. Seymour’s interruption, I would be dead now.
Claggart can’t believe it.
CLAGGART
From there, my assistant tells me that the rest of the impressments were ready to raid the arms locker and take the Quarter Deck by force.
Claggart returns to his desk.
VERE
What assistant? Squeak?
CLAGGART
Squeak.
Vere smiles.
VERE
Do you really believe Squeak?
CLAGGART
I believe him.
Vere examines him.
VERE
Do you realize what you’re saying man?
Do you really understand what you’re saying and what you’re setting loose here by making this accusation?
Claggart is silent. Vere goes to his door and looks out.
-
Don Thompson’s Act 3 reaction to Midpoint
What I learned: In this case, the protagonist ponders his situation and sums up his situation. Eventually, he will need to react to the betrayal of the antagonist.
EXT. CANNON PORTAL – NIGHT
Billy sits on a small ledge that juts out from a cannon portal. Squeak finds him there and crawls out on the ledge with him.
SQUEAK
Good evenin’, Budd.
BILLY
Evenin’ Mr. Squeak.
Beat.
SQUEAK
It’s a calm sea tonight.
BILLY
Calm as glass.
Beat.
SQUEAK
I like a calm sea. It puts my mind at ease. Except for on this ship.
Billy looks him over.
SQUEAK
You know the impressments are complaining.
BILLY
I never put much stock in complaining.
SQUEAK
Well, they’re complaining, and in my mind, they sound like the crew of the Nore.
BILLY
You mean the mutiny?
SQUEAK
Aye. Did you hear about that?
BILLY
Everyone knows about the Nore.
SQUEAK
I fear we’re heading there. Claggart and his harsh rule. The Captain runs to his maps. Seymour and Radcliff hardly ever leave the Quarter Deck.
Budd nods.
BILLY
That’s not enough reason to mutiny.
SQUEAK
Not even against Claggart? You like him?
BILLY
I’d like to be his friend. He seems like a lonely man to me.
Squeak LAUGHS.
SQUEAK
Lonely? He’s too damn cold-hearted to be lonely!
BILLY
Every man needs a friend, someone to talk to.
SQUEAK
I’d like to take a wife someday.
Beat.
<b align=”center”>BILLY
Aye – a wife and children. But not on a seaman’s pay. (pause) I’ll doubt I’ll ever marry.
SQUEAK
Why don’t you join me and the other impressments? We’ll make a go at takin’ over the ship.
But raises his eyebrows.
BILLY
I ain’t a mutineer, Mr. Squeak. I have much too much respect for me elders. If you give them respect, generally they repay you in some way.
SQUEAK
With the lash.
BILLY
I got a promotion.
SQUEAK
At the cost of a dead man.
Billy looks down.
BILLY
That he is. But he brought it on himself.
Squeak looks him over.
BILLY
Kinkaid is the only one with any killin’ on his mind, in my opinion.
SQUEAK
But he’s not a recruit — he’s a navy man through and through.
SQUEAK
Thanks for the chat, Budd. Don’t be tellin’ the Captain about what we discussed… I’ll deny it!
BILLY
I won’t tell anyone. You have me word.
Squeak nods and leaves.
-
Don Thompson has completed Act 2 Draft 1
What I learned: To write quickly and not obsess about wordsmithing on the initial draft. To try to find sparks of creativity in the moment by throwing myself into the process.
EXT. MAIN DECK – A HOUR OR SO LATER
The men gather around the sea casket that hold’s Johnson’s body. Radcliff reads from a prayer book.
RADCLIFF
Enoch Johnson performed his duties well as Captain of the Foretop. We, therefore, commit his Body to the Deep, to be turned into Corruption, looking for the resurrection of the Body and the life of the world to come, through our Lord Jesus Christ, who at his coming shall change or vile body, that it be like his Glorious Body, according to the mighty working, whereby he is able to subdue all things to himself. Amen.
The men silently watch. Danskar crosses himself. TWO SAILORS lift up a plank and the body slides from the coffin’s bottom and out to the sea.
The men all observe silently.
RADCLIFF
Dismissed.
Seymour, who has been standing next to Radcliff, approaches Billy.
SEYMOUR
Budd – the Captain wishes to see you.
Billy nods.
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – SAME TIME
The Captain sits at his deck. There is a KNOCK on his door.
CAPTAIN
Enter.
Seymour and Billy enter.
CAPTAIN
At ease.
The Captain stands and approaches the two men.
CAPTAIN
Budd, I’ve conferenced with Lts. Seymour and Radcliff and they agree you should become Captain of the Foretop.
Billy is somewhat astonished and smiles.
BILLY
Thanks for that, Captain. I don’t like the circumstances of it, but thank you. Did you tell Mr. Claggart?
CAPTAIN
Don’t mind Claggart. I’ll inform him soon enough. Do you want the position?
BILLY
I’d be honored, sir.
CAPTAIN
Do you feel you’re ready?
BILLY
I feel ready, sir.
CAPTAIN
You’re well-liked among the men, Billy Budd. You engender a natural affection from them.
BILLY
Ah… it’s nothing sir. Just trying to do my best.
Beat, the Captain eyes him over.
CAPTAIN
Good then. Lt. Seymour will fill you in with any details tomorrow morning when you’ll officially take the post.
Billy nods.
CAPTAIN
I have one other question for you, Budd.
BILLY
Yes sir.
CAPTAIN
Who, in your mind, was responsible for Johnson’s death?
Billy ponders.
BILLY
Well… I suppose if I was to pinpoint it, sir, it would be Mr. Claggart.
CAPTAIN
Really? Now, in front of God and me and with Mr. Seymour as a witness, why do you believe this?
BILLY
Mr. Claggart knew Johnson was ill. He should have ordered him to the sick berth. He let him work.
CAPTAIN
He knew he was ill?
BILLY
Yes sir. I witnessed him ask Johnson to pick up a bowl of soup that was spilled, and Johnson couldn’t do it because of the pain. Claggart should have sent him to the sick berth straightaway, in my opinion.
He examines Billy.
CAPTAIN
You wouldn’t lie to me now, would you lad?
BILLY
No sir. I respect you too much sir.
Beat.
BILLY
With your permission, sir?
CAPTAIN
Go ahead.
BILLY
Mr. Claggart rules with an iron fist. If he loosened it up a little, he would do better.
The Captain nods.
CAPTAIN
Thank you Budd. Dismissed. Mr. Seymour, stay here please.
Billy leaves, and Seymour stays behind. The Captain returns to his desk and sits.
CAPTAIN
Have a seat.
Seymour sits in front of the Captain’s desk.
CAPTAIN
What do you think about Budd’s assessment of Claggart?
SEYMOUR
I agree with it.
CAPTAIN
We also knew Johnson wasn’t well. We could have stepped in.
SEYMOUR
But Claggart had the closest proximity to Johnson. And we were working to replace Johnson with Budd.
Beat.
CAPTAIN
I’m concerned about Claggart. About the men not taking orders properly.
SEYMOUR
He is a little harsh.
CAPTAIN
We need balance. If we tighten the grip too much we will lose the men. I won’t have a mutiny on this ship.
There is another KNOCK on his door.
CAPTAIN
Yes?
Claggart enters.
CLAGGART
With your permission, sir?
CAPTAIN
What is it?
CLAGGART
About Kinkaid.
CAPTAIN
Yes – what do you advise?
CLAGGART
I would say a hundred lashes, sir. As soon as possible while the event is fresh in the minds of the men.
CAPTAIN
A hundred?
CLAGGART
A hundred.
CAPTAIN
Do ten.
CLAGGART
Ten. That’s hardly enough for the infraction, sir, in my opinion.
CAPTAIN
Yes, in your opinion. (he turns to Seymour) Mr. Seymour, is ten lashes enough?
SEYMOUR
It should suffice.
CAPTAIN
You see, Mr. Claggart. Mr. Seymour agrees. It will be 10.
Beat.
CLAGGART
As you wish.
He turns to leave.
CAPTAIN
Mr. Claggart. Claggart turns around.
CAPTAIN
I’ve decided to promote Budd to Captain of the Foretop. Not O’Daniel.
Claggart stares ahead silently.
CAPTAIN
I… advise you to be supportive of Mr. Budd. Give him a chance to succeed. I believe he will.
CLAGGART
You know my opinion of Budd, sir.
CAPTAIN
Hmm. That I do. Thank you, Mr. Claggart. You may go.
EXT. MID-SHIP DECK – DAY
Kinkaid is tied on mid-deck, ready for his lashing.
Claggart nods to the sailor holding the staff to begin the punishment.
CLAGGART
One… two… three… four…
five… six… seven… eight…
nine… ten… el…
(Claggart almost says ‘eleven’ but holds his tongue.)
Claggart nods to the sailor with the lash, who releases Kinkaid. Kinkaid has suffered some, but clearly not to the extent that Claggart would like.
Seymour stands in front of the crew.
SEYMOUR
Dismissed.
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – MINUTES LATER
There is a KNOCK on the Captain’s door. The Captain looks out the rear window of his cabin.
CAPTAIN
Come in.
Seymour enters.
SEYMOUR
You called for me.
The Captain nods for him to sit then sits at his desk.
CAPTAIN
As you know, I’m concerned about Claggart. There’s something about him, something underneath his skin, that concerns me.
SEYMOUR
May I speak frankly?
CAPTAIN
I expect you must.
SEYMOUR
Well… he has, shall we say, a mixed background. He was forced into the Navy, more or less.
CAPTAIN
Forced?
SEYMOUR
As is rumored, it seems he may have killed a man. But the circumstances are somewhat murky. I knew of these things from his onboarding documents but for various reasons have kept them to myself.
Beat.
SEYMOUR
It was a friend of his that was killed. A close friend – a very close male friend, if you catch my meaning.
CAPTAIN
Really? He wasn’t married?
SEYMOUR
No. And he has confirmed this to me.
CAPTAIN
And this ‘close friend’ was a casualty of sorts. Perhaps.
SEYMOUR
It appears so. Again… I don’t know the specifics. But apparently if he wasn’t on board this ship Claggart would be rotting in a London jail.
CAPTAIN
That’s comforting.
SEYMOUR
It’s that way with half the men on this ship. Meaning the impressments. We know that it’s hard to find willing recruits in these heady days of freedom, liberty, and the Rights of Man.
The Captain nods.
CAPTAIN
I need Claggart. For now. I need him for the fear he instills. But I can’t let him take it too far. We’ve seen the results already.
Beat.
CAPTAIN
I hope by promoting Budd I sent a signal to him. He needs to know who commands this ship. And Budd can provide a little balance – at least that’s my hope.
Beat. The Captain moves to his map table and splays a world map out in front of the two of them.
CAPTAIN
You see this, Mr. Seymour. (he points)
CAPTAIN
Here, here and here is the current extent of our Empire. How long do you believe it will last?
SEYMOUR
All empires end. The Byzantine, the Roman, the Ottoman. We’re just the next in line in a long list.
Beat.
SEYMOUR
But all that’s philosophy sir, and not good for morale. We have a war to fight. I, for one, will not turn against my country in times of trouble.
The Captain nods and looks at him intently.
INT. LOWER DECK – NIGHT
Squeak approaches Billy’s hammock. He looks around, seemingly intent on making it seem like it wasn’t tied properly.
Suddenly, Danskar appears.
DANSKAR
What are you doing?
Squeak is surprised, and moves back.
DANSKAR
Messing with Billy’s gear again?
SQUEAK
I ain’t messin’ with his gear.
He grabs Squeak’s arm and holds it tight.
SQUEAK
Let me go!
DANSKAR
Just because I fear God doesn’t mean I haven’t broken an arm or two!
Squeak glares at him.
SQUEAK
Let me go! You’ll be on the report for this!
DANSKAR
On the report like Billy? I’ll slash you in your sleep. In God’s name I’ll do it.
Squeak glares at him, and Danskar loosens his grip.
EXT. MID-SHIP – NIGHT
Billy is on watch. Claggart also walks the deck. Billy notices Claggart looking out over the ocean and approaches him. The sea is calm, and there is very little wind.
BILLY
Good evenin’, sir.
CLAGGART
Good evening Budd.
BILLY
It’s a calm night. The ocean is peaceful.
Claggart gives an ironic LAUGH.
CLAGGART
Yes. Peaceful on the surface. Underneath, I guarantee it’s quite different.
Beat.
BILLY
Sir, may I speak to you about something… personal.
Claggart tuns to him.
CLAGGART
Personal? (he turns away) I’m not the one to confide in, Budd.
BILLY
But I’d like to be your friend, sir. I’d like to count you as one.
Claggart looks out to the ocean.
CLAGGART
I don’t have any friends. Never been good at it.
Beat.
CLAGGART
I suppose I did have a friend, once. A good friend. He died, though.
BILLY
Sorry about that, sir.
CLAGGART
Died of consumption. You know that ailment, Budd? Many in London contract it.
BILLY
I’ve heard it is a bitter disease.
CLAGGART
Bitter and painful.
He looks down.
CLAGGART
I couldn’t stand it, really.
Billy is silent. Claggart continues.
CLAGGART
Day in and day out, the hacking cough. His suffering. I had to end it.
BILLY
End the friendship, sir?
Claggart looks at him intently.
CLAGGART
He was going to die, you know.
Billy nods.
Claggart has tears in his eyes.
CLAGGART
You remind me of him.
Billy smiles.
Claggart looks him over, then his face contorts in rage.
CLAGGART
Get away from me! I see through you. Butter me up, get me to admit things and talk to the men behind my back. Get them to laugh. Mock me. I won’t have it.
Billy backs up, somewhat astonished.
CLAGGART
You think you’re so clever! You cannot get inside me, Billy Budd. There is nothing here! There is nothing left but a deep blackness. That is all he left me with.
Beat.
BILLY
Do you really take pleasure in cruelty, sir? That’s what they all say. I can’t believe that. No man can be like that. I believe you hate yourself, Mr. Claggart.
Claggart glares at him.
CLAGGART
Hate myself? That’s a good one, Budd. I hate myself. But I disagree. It’s you I hate.
BILLY
But I remind you of your friend.
CLAGGART
No… I was wrong. You are not like him.
Again, Claggart tears up.
CLAGGART
Go!
Billy jumps back. Then he nods and leaves.
Claggart continues to walk the deck. Squeak approaches him.
SQUEAK
I can’t get anything more on Budd, sir.
CLAGGART
What do you mean?
SQUEAK
I mean his Black friend watches his hammock like a hawk. It seems anytime I try to mess with it he’s there to stop me.
CLAGGART
Try harder.
SQUEAK
I am. But I’m tellin’ you it’s getting tougher. The men are on to me and they don’t like it.
Beat.
CLAGGART
Do what you can. Get him to admit they’re thinking of mutiny. I’m convinced they are – Budd and the other impressments.
Beat.
SQUEAK
Aye, sir. I’ll do what I can.
-
Don Thompson – Act 2 TP – Midpoint
What I learned: The midpoint TP continues to build tension into Act III by introducing a major twist. In this scene, we learn that the Antagonist (Mr. Claggart) has an element to his background that will prove pivotal in the outcome of the story.
EXT. MID-SHIP DECK – DAY
Kinkaid is tied on mid-deck, ready for his lashing.
Claggart nods to the sailor holding the staff to begin the punishment.
CLAGGART
One… two… three… four…
five… six… seven… eight…
nine… ten… el…
(Claggart almost says ‘eleven’ but holds his tongue.)
Claggart nods to the sailor with the lash, who releases Kinkaid. Kinkaid has suffered some, but clearly not to the extent that Claggart would like.
Seymour stands in front of the crew.
SEYMOUR
Dismissed.
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – MINUTES LATER
There is a KNOCK on the Captain’s door. The Captain looks out the rear window of his cabin.
CAPTAIN
Come in.
Seymour enters.
SEYMOUR
You called for me.
The Captain nods for him to sit, then sits at his desk.
CAPTAIN
As you know, I’m concerned about Claggart. There’s something about him, something underneath his skin, that concerns me.
SEYMOUR
May I speak frankly?
CAPTAIN
I expect you must.
SEYMOUR
Well… he has, shall we say, a mixed background. He was forced into the Navy, more or less.
CAPTAIN
Forced?
SEYMOUR
As is rumored, it seems he may have killed a man. But the circumstances are somewhat murky. I knew of these things from his on boarding documents but for various reasons have kept them to myself.
Beat.
SEYMOUR
It was a friend of his that was killed. A close friend – a very close male friend, if you catch my meaning.
CAPTAIN
Really? He wasn’t married?
SEYMOUR
No. And he has confirmed this to me.
CAPTAIN
And this ‘close friend’ was a casualty of sorts. Perhaps.
SEYMOUR
It appears so. Again… I don’t know the specifics. But apparently if he wasn’t on board this ship Claggart would be rotting in a London jail.
CAPTAIN
That’s comforting.
SEYMOUR
It’s that way with half the men on this ship. Meaning the impressments. We know that it’s hard to find willing recruits in these heady days of freedom, liberty, and the Rights of Man.
The Captain nods.
CAPTAIN
I need Claggart. For now. I need him for the fear he instills. But I can’t let him take it too far. We’ve seen the results already.
Beat.
CAPTAIN
I hope by promoting Budd I sent a signal to him. He needs to know who commands this ship. And Budd can provide a little balance – at least that’s my hope.
Beat. The Captain moves to his map table and splays a world map out in front of the two of them.
CAPTAIN
You see this, Mr. Seymour. (he points)
CAPTAIN
Here, here and here is the current extent of our Empire. How long do you believe it will last?
SEYMOUR
All empires end. The Byzantine, the Roman, the Ottoman. We’re just the next in line in a long list.
Beat.
SEYMOUR
But all that’s philosophy sir, and not good for morale. We have a war to fight. I, for one, will not turn against my country in times of trouble.
The Captain nods and looks at him intently.
-
Don Thompson’s Act II Middle Scenes
What I learned: In reaction to the TP, the antagonist begins to see their grip slipping in relation to the protagonist. This sets in motion events that culminate in Act III.
Billy leaves, and Seymour stays behind.
The Captain returns to his desk and sits.
CAPTAIN
Have a seat.
Seymour sits in front of the Captain’s desk.
CAPTAIN
What do you think about Budd’sassessment of Claggart?
SEYMOUR
I agree with it.
CAPTAIN
We also knew Johnson wasn’t well. We could have stepped in.
SEYMOUR
But Claggart had the closest proximity to Johnson. And we were working to replace Johnson with Budd.
Beat.
CAPTAIN
I’m concerned about Claggart. About the men not taking orders properly.
SEYMOUR
He is a little harsh.
CAPTAIN
We need balance. If we tighten the grip too much we will lose the men. I won’t have a mutiny on this ship.
There is another KNOCK on his door.
CAPTAIN
Yes?
Claggart enters.
CLAGGART
With your permission, sir?
CAPTAIN
What is it?
CLAGGART
About Kinkaid.
CAPTAIN
Yes – what do you advise?
CLAGGART
I would say a hundred lashes, sir. As soon as possible while the event is fresh in the minds of the men.
CAPTAIN
A hundred?
CLAGGART
A hundred.
CAPTAIN
Do ten.
CLAGGART
Ten. That’s hardly enough for the infraction, sir, in my opinion.
CAPTAIN
Yes, in your opinion. (he turns to Seymour) Mr. Seymour, is ten lashes enough?
SEYMOUR
It should suffice.
CAPTAIN
You see, Mr. Claggart. Mr. Seymour agrees. It will be 10.
Beat.
CLAGGART
As you wish.
He turns to leave.
CAPTAIN
Mr. Claggart.
Claggart turns around.
CAPTAIN
I’ve decided to promote Budd to Captain of the Foretop. Not O’Daniel.
Claggart stares ahead silently.
CAPTAIN
I… advise you to be supportive of Mr. Budd. Give him a chance to succeed. I believe he will.
CLAGGART
You know my opinion of Budd, sir.
CAPTAIN
Hmm. That I do. Thank you, Mr. Claggart. You may go.
-
Don Thompson – Act II reaction to TP 1
What I learned: This key scene sets the entire action for the rest of the screenplay.
Act 2
Note: I have included both the TP and the Reaction below.
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – SAME TIME
The Captain sits at his deck. There is a KNOCK on his door.
CAPTAIN
Enter.Seymour and Billy enter.
CAPTAIN
At ease.The Captain stands and approaches the two men.
CAPTAIN
Budd, I’ve conferenced with Lts. Seymour and Radcliff and they agree you should become Captain of the Foretop.Billy is somewhat astonished, and smiles.
BILLY BUDD
Thanks for that, Captain. I don’t like the circumstances of it, but thank you. Did you tell Mr. Claggart?
CAPTAIN
Don’t mind Claggart. I’ll inform him soon enough. Do you want the position?BILLY BUDD
I’d be honored, sir.CAPTAIN
Do you feel you’re ready?BILLY BUDD
I feel ready, sir.CAPTAIN
You’re well-liked among the men, Billy Budd. You engender a natural affection from them.BILLY BUDD
Ah… it’s nothing sir. Just trying to do my best.Beat, the Captain eyes him over.
CAPTAIN
Good then. Lt. Seymour will fill you in with any details tomorrow morning, when you’ll officially take the post.Billy nods.
CAPTAIN
I have one other question for you, Budd.BILLY BUDD
Yes sir.CAPTAIN
Who, in your mind, was responsible for Johnson’s death?Billy ponders.
BILLY BUDD
Well… I suppose if I was to pinpoint it, sir, it would be Mr. Claggart.CAPTAIN
Really? Now, in front of God and me and with Mr. Seymour as witness, why do you believe this?BILLY BUDD
Mr. Claggart knew Johnson was ill. He should have ordered him to the sick berth. He let him work.CAPTAIN
He knew he was ill?BILLY BUDD
Yes sir. I witnessed him ask Johnson to pick up a bowl of soup that was spilled, and Johnson couldn’t do it because of the pain. Claggart should have sent him to the sick berth straightaway, in my opinion.He examines Billy.
CAPTAIN
You wouldn’t lie to me now, would you lad?BILLY BUDD
No sir. I respect you too much sir.Beat.
BILLY BUDD
With your permission, sir?CAPTAIN
Go ahead.BILLY BUDD
Mr. Claggart rules with an iron fist. If he loosened it up a little, he would do better.
The Captain nods.CAPTAIN
Thank you Budd. Dismissed. Mr. Seymour, stay here please.Billy leaves, and Seymour stays behind.
The Captain returns to his desk and sits.
CAPTAIN
Have a seat.Seymour sits in front of the Captain’s desk.
CAPTAIN
What do you think about Budd’s assessment of Claggart?SEYMOUR
I agree with it.CAPTAIN
We also knew Johnson wasn’t well. We could have stepped in.SEYMOUR
But Claggart had the closest proximity to Johnson. And were working to replace Johnson with Budd.Beat.
CAPTAIN
I’m concerned about Claggart. About the men not taking orders properly.SEYMOUR
He is a little harsh.CAPTAIN
We need balance. If we tighten the grip too much we will lose the men. I won’t have a mutiny on this ship.There is another KNOCK on his door.
CAPTAIN
Yes?Claggart enters.
CLAGGART
With your permission, sir?CAPTAIN
What is it?CLAGGART
About Kinkaid.CAPTAIN
Yes – what do you advise?CLAGGART
I would say a hundred lashes, sir. As soon as possible while the event is fresh in the minds of the men.CAPTAIN
A hundred?CLAGGART
A hundred.CAPTAIN
Do ten.CLAGGART
Ten. That’s hardly enough for the infraction, sir, in my opinion,CAPTAIN
Yes, in your opinion. (he turns to Seymour) Mr. Seymour, is ten lashes enough?SEYMOUR
It should suffice.CAPTAIN
You see, Mr. Claggart. Mr. Seymour agrees. It will be 10.Beat.
CLAGGART
As you wish.He turns to leave.
CAPTAIN
Mr. Claggart.Claggart turns around.
CAPTAIN
I’ve decided to promote Budd to Captain of the Foretop. Not O’Daniel.Claggart stares ahead silently.
CAPTAIN
I… advise you to be supportive of Mr. Budd. Give him a chance to succeed. I believe he will.CLAGGART
You know my opinion of Budd, sir.CAPTAIN
Hmm. That I do. Thank you, Mr. Claggart. You may go. -
Don Thompson – Finished Act One
What I learned: I learned how to work quickly to get a draft done in order to stay on schedule. This can be very useful in certain contexts (i.e., writing assignments on a deadline).
FADE IN:
An image of the open sea. The camera SLOWY PANS UPWARD, and we see the HMS Indomitable, circa late 1790s.
PROLOGUE:
“In 1797, at the beginning of the Napoleonic conflict between Great Britain and France, tensions were high within the Royal Navy. Two mutinies on Naval frigates — one on the Nore and the other on the Spitfire — had occurred within the past year and this reality weighed heavily on the Naval Officers who needed to maintain order and discipline within the ranks of their sometimes unwilling and undisciplined crews. Moreover, the United States had just won the revolutionary war and a new constitution had just been signed. All of these events weighed heavily on the ruling elites of Great Britain.
The HMS Indomitable, under the leadership of Captain Edwin Vere, was thrust into an internal conflict that reflected the tension of the times and thoughts of freedom and the promise of human happiness that drifted through the minds of the people. Could the captain hold together a disgruntled crew and ensure unity with these social trends at play? Was force the only way to do so? Or could something else motivate people to unite other than fear and force?
Into this volatile mix enters William Budd, merchant seaman on the “Rights of Man’.
This is his story.”
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
“This ’tis to have been from the first
In a domestic heaven nursed,
Under the discipline severe
Of Fairfax and the starry Vere.”
— FROM THE POEMS OF ANDREW MARVELL
FADE OUT:
FADE IN, TITLE:
BILLY BUDD
FADE OUT/IN:
EXT. ROYAL NAVY FRIGATE HMS INDOMITABLE, NORTHERN FRANCE, 1797 – DAY
CAPTAIN VERE (35) looks out through a telescope to the Merchant Ship ‘The Rights of Man’. Next to him stands his First Lieutenant Phillip Seymour (30), the Master of Arms Claggart (45), and Second Lieutenant Julian Radcliff (27).
VERE
(almost to himself)
‘The Rights of Man’.
SEYMOUR
Let’s hope she has some willing recruits.
VERE
I’ll take unwilling recruits at this point.
Beat.
VERE
(to Radcliff)
Steer leeward toward her. Make haste, lest she outruns us.
Radcliff turns toward the forward deck, looking down at the assorted crew, and shouts.
RADCLIFF
Leeward Ho – make haste! You know where we’re going! You can see her plain as day. She’s port, 15 degrees!
The men scramble to the sails and adjust accordingly.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN DECK – ‘THE RIGHTS OF MAN’ – SAME TIME
CAPTAIN JAMES SMITH (50) of the ‘Rights of Man’ – a merchant ship under the British Flag, stares through a telescope and speaks to his CHIEF MATE (30).
CAPTAIN
She’s British.
CHIEF MATE
Impressment.
CAPTAIN
No doubt.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIGHTS OF MAN – SAME TIME
A pinnance – or small boat – pulls up alongside of the ship, carrying Lieutenant Seymour and five crew members.
Seymour boards the ship and the Captain and his Lieutenants line up. Seymour salutes the Captain.
SEYMOUR
Lieutenant Seymour, HMS Indomitable.
CAPTAIN
I won’t tell you my name, sir. But I understand your intent.
SEYMOUR
You are the Captain?
CAPTAIN
As sure as day.
SEYMOUR
Line them up then.
The Captain leans in to his Chief Mate and speaks to him quietly:
CAPTAIN
Round them up. Everyone except Billy Budd.
The Chief Mate nods and SHOUTS to the men:
CHIEF MATE
Line up for the good lieutenant!
He walks aft and finds Billy Budd (19) tying a rope around some rigging. Billy is a striking young man – an almost perfect physical specimen, with a shock of blonde hair that is both unruly and glowing in the sun.
CHIEF MATE
(to Budd)
Billy – be a good lad and get me a swig of rum from the kitchen. Wait there for me. Don’t leave until I come for you.
BILLY BUDD
Don’t leave?
CHIEF MATE
Stay down below until they’re gone. Captain’s orders.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN DECK – RIGHTS OF MAN – DAY
Seymour observes the dozens of men, lined up in two rows, examining each. He prods them, asks them to open their mouths to examine their teeth. The Captain and Chief Mate follow close behind.
Lt. Seymour stops at one man, DANSKAR (30) an African American — and quite tall and muscular compared to the others.
SEYMOUR
And where are you from?
DANSKAR
Dutch West Indies.
He eyes him over.
SEYMOUR
Open your mouth.
Danskar opens his mouth and Seymour peers in.
CAPTAIN
You won’t like him. He’s disagreeable and tries to get everyone to pray to Jesus.
Beat.
SEYMOUR
I like Jesus. We’ll take him.
Beat.
DANSKAR
God has led me to you.
Seymour looks him over and nods.
SEYMOUR
Let’s hope so.
The Captain interjects.
CAPTAIN
They’re a sorry lot. I apologize I don’t have better for you.
SEYMOUR
What about below?
CAPTAIN
There’s no-one below.
Seymour eyes him distrustfully.
CUT TO:
INT. LOWER DECK – MOMENTS LATER
Seymour and his assistants climb down the steep stairs to the lower deck. Billy sits in a corner, sipping a glass of rum. He looks up at them and smiles. His teeth are perfectly shaped and his smile is winning to say the least. His complexion is unstained and his tan is golden.
BILLY BUDD
(flashing a smile)
Care for some rum? It’s the captain’s favorite!
Seymour looks at Billy astonished. It’s like seeing a purebred horse in the midst of a trash heap.
He turns to the Captain.
SEYMOUR
And where did you find him? In a basket on the Nile?
CAPTAIN
He’s a bastard child from Bristol, I think. That’s about all he remembers.
SEYMOUR
He looks like they dropped him from heaven.
CUT TO:
Billy flashes his bright smile.
Seymour walks over to Billy, and looks at him. He takes the cup from Billy’s hand and takes a swig. After his drink, he turns to the Captain.
SEYMOUR
Not bad.
CAPTAIN
Don’t take him. He’s my peacemaker.
SEYMOUR
Peacemaker?
CAPTAIN
He’s a cheery fellow. His attitude is infectious. It won’t be the same without him.
Seymour nods, then looks to Billy.
SEYMOUR
Do you have a good attitude, boy?
BILLY BUDD
As best can be expected. I wake up in the morning happy.
Seymour nods.
CUT TO:
EXT. PINNANCE (SMALL BOAT) ON SIDE OF THE ‘RIGHTS OF MAN’ – DAY
Billy, Danskar, Seymour and the others board the pinnance. The captain looks on, wiping tears from his eyes.
Seymour turns to Billy.
SEYMOUR
The Captain is shedding tears for you!
CUT TO:
ALL THE MEN LOOK OVER THE SIDE RAILING OF THE SHIP AS THE SMALL BOAT SLOWLY DRIFTS OFF.
CLOSE: Pinnance boat, moments later.
BILLY BUDD
(looks back at the ship)
And good-bye to you too, old Rights-of-Man
EXT. HMS INDOMITABLE – SOME MINUTES LATER – DAY
Billy stands in front of one of the seventy-four men who man the Indomitable. Most of them are present as the Master of Arms, Claggart (seen earlier), has him sign some papers. Billy signs with an ‘X’.
CLAGGART
You don’t read or write?
Billy shakes his head ‘no’.
CLAGGART
Your age?
BILLY BUDD
I’m not sure, eighteen I think.
The men LAUGH.
CLAGGART
You’re not sure? Where were you born?
BILLY BUDD
In the world somewhere.
The men LAUGH again.
CLAGGART
In England.
Billy nods.
BILLY BUDD
Bristol, probably.
CLAGGART
You don’t know. You’re a bastard, then?
Billy nods.
Claggart looks to Danskar and motions him forward. Danskar looks at the admission papers.
DANSKAR
What am I signing?
CLAGGART
Your oath of allegiance to the King for the duration of this War. Your consignment to this ship at the pleasure of the King.
Danskar looks down at the papers and signs: ‘Thomas Paine’
Claggart looks on.
CLAGGART
Thomas Paine? I thought you were Danskar?
DANSKAR
I sign the name of the man I most admire. I would sign Jesus Christ but that would be a little high minded.
The men LAUGH at his joke.
DANSKAR
And I can spell Thomas Paine. Danskar I’m not sure.
The men LAUGH again.
CLAGGART
Alright Thomas Paine. Have it your way.
He turns to his attendant, SQUEAK (25).
CLAGGART
Squeak, show them their hammocks.
SQUEAK nods.
INT. LOWER DECK – MOMENTS LATER
Squeak leads Danskar and Billy to their hammocks. Danskar’s hammock is in the rear, Billy’s near the middle.
Squeak taps on the hammock with a riding whip (both he and Claggard carry one) he carries with him for emphasis. He looks to Danskar.
SQUEAK
You’ll be here with the other two Black ones. But don’t worry, other than that and you’re treated the same at the others.
DANSKAR
Good.
Squeak looks down to Danskar’s belt, where there is a book tied there.
SQUEAK
What’s the book?
DANSKAR
The Bible.
Squeak nods.
SQUEAK
Do you believe in God?
DANSKAR
I do.
Squeak looks him over.
SQUEAK
Claggart will make sure to fix that.
CUT TO:
INT. LOWER DECK – ANOTHER HAMMOCK – DAY
Squeak’s stick TAPS on the other hammock. He turns to Billy.
SQUEAK
This is yours, Billy Budd. You’ll have watch duty, at Claggart’s discretion.
BILLY BUDD
Aye.
SQUEAK
Do whatever Claggart says. Keep you’re head low. Don’t make trouble. Avoid the lash.
BILLY BUDD
The lash?
SQUEAK
We all get it sooner or later.
Beat.
SQUEAK
Claggart killed a man on the mainland. Just to let you know.
Billy is silent.
CUT TO:
INT. CAPTAIN VERE’S QUARTERS – DAY
There is a KNOCK on his door.
CAPTAIN
Yes?
Claggart enters.
CLAGGART
We have the impressments on board, sir.
CAPTAIN
How do they look?
CLAGGART
Healthy. One Black Man of God and a young handsome one named Billy Budd.
CAPTAIN
Handsome? That’s an interesting observation.
CLAGGART
It seems to be his most redeeming quality. He’s a bastard child, that I also learned.
Vere looks up at him.
CAPTAIN
A bastard, and a handsome one. What about the ship’s report?
CLAGGART
In about an hour.
Vere nods and returns to his paperwork.
BACK TO MID-SHIP.
Billy is playing a Harmonica and all of the men listen. He sings them a song:
BILLY BUDD
(sings)
Sailor, Sailor will you marry me, with your rope and knife and jib? Oh how can I marry such a pretty girl when I have not hat to put on? And I’m only in port for a day? Off to the haberdasher she did go, as fast as she could run, but him a hat, the best she could find, and the sailor put it on, and wore it for the next pretty girl, the next port and bottle of rum.
CUT TO:
CLOSE, CLAGGART’S HORSE WHIP LANDS ON A TABLE.
CLAGGART
Enough of that! Up top with you, you sorry lot! This is a ship – a ship of war, you know, not a brothel!
The men all frown, GRUMBLE, and disperse. Claggart approaches Billy.
CLAGGART
Give me that harmonica.
Billy looks at him, and tries to stammer a response.
CLAGGART
Can’t speak?
Billy again tries to STAMMER a response. Claggart grabs the Harmonica.
CLAGGART
Five demerits on the ship’s report and it’s the lash. You can watch the next lashing tomorrow to get an idea about how we run things around here.
CLOSE: Billy looks intently at Claggart.
INT. LOWER DECK – COMMON AREA – NIGHT
The men are gathered around for their evening meal. Billy sits at a table with maintopmen JOHNSON (30), O’DANIEL (35), JONES (28), and TALBOT (30). Each of the men eat the ‘stew’ that has been prepared for them.
JOHNSON
So Budd, how does this stew compare to ‘The Rights of Man’.
Billy considers.
BILLY BUDD
It’s fillin’.
O’DANIEL
So you don’t care for the taste of it?
BILLY BUDD
It makes my stomach warm – that’s enough.
Beat.
BILLY BUDD
Where are we headed?
KINKAID
The coast of Spain. Reinforcements.
BILLY BUDD
Are we winnin’ the war?
JONES
They don’t tell us those things, Billy. It’s not our business. We just need to fight the battles so they can claim the glory.
JOHNSON
Are you up for it Billy? Winnin’ battles?
BILLY BUDD
I suppose so. As much as the next man.
JOHNSON
You aren’t going to run and hide then when the French send the first volley?
O’DANIEL
Leave him be, Johnson. Give him at least a day before breakin’ him in.
JOHNSON
Might as well be now. How strong are you, Billy? You look too damn pretty to be much of a fighter.
He turns to the others.
JOHNSON
I’m not sure why they chose such a pretty boy.
Billy looks him over.
BILLY BUDD
I can fight.
JOHNSON
I dare say you look like flower to me. You’ll wilt at the first sound of a cannon.
Billy raises his arm for an arm wrestle.
BILLY BUDD
Come on then, show your stuff!
Johnson slaps his arm away and stands.
JOHNSON
We wrestle or nothing!
The others clear the tables, allowing for an ad hoc wrestling arena.
JONES
Don’t fall for it Billy. Don’t make any trouble.
Billy stands and engages Johnson in a wrestling match.
At first, Johnson seems to have an advantage, but Billy is able to overcome him and throw him to the side. This just enrages Johnson more.
The sailors CHEER as the two men have at it.
JOHNSON
Beginner’s luck!
Johnson lunges at Billy, but Billy is able to move quickly and deftly and get Johnson in an arm lock. He throws him again to the side. This time, Johnson is defeated, and holds his side in pain.
CUT TO:
INT. TABLE TOP – SAME TIME
Claggart’s horse whip HITS the table.
CLAGGART
All right. What’s the trouble?
All the men fall silent and look at Claggart. Claggart eyes them over.
CLAGGART
Who started it?
All the men look furtively at each other. Claggart looks at Billy Budd.
CLAGGART
Budd?
Billy says nothing. He opens his mouth, but no words come out.
CLAGGART
Mr. Seymour said they called you the ‘Peacemaker’ on the ‘Rights of Man’. So much for that distinction!
Claggart looks all of them over angrily.
CLAGGART
I expect all of you on deck at sunrise for McDaniel’s flogging. We need discipline on this ship, not fighting.
Claggart leaves.
KINKAID
Bugger him.
The men LAUGH.
Danskar helps Billy up and looks at him. All of the other men look at Danskar. He is an imposing presence — they intuitively fear him.
DANSKAR
I’m gonna protect him from now on. Anyone that goes after Billy will have to deal with me.
KINKAID
Sure, tell that to Claggart my Black Beauty.
Danskar pulls Billy to the side.
DANSKAR
It’s a different world here, Billy. Not like the ‘Rights of Man’.
BILLY BUDD
You don’t need to watch after me, Danskar. I can do well on my own.
Danskar eyes him over, and hands him something.
Billy looks at it. It is a cross.
DANSKAR
Wear it for protection, if you’d like.
Billy nods.
CLOSE: The cross in his hand as Billy looks at it.
FADE OUT/IN.
EXT. MAIN DECK – SUNRISE – NEXT DAY
As the men and Captain Vere and staff look on, Maintopman TAYLOR (30) receives a hundred lashes and is bloodied and unconscious afterwards.
The process is long and painful. The men wince with each lash. Claggart looks on unemotionally, counting each lash.
CLAGGART
One… Two… Three…
Billy stares intently at Claggart, who appears to smile at Billy as he orders the lashes.
DISSOLVE TO:
CLAGGART, MINUTES LATER.
CLAGGART
Ninety eight… ninety nine… one hundred.
The sailor handling the whip unties Taylor, who falls limp and unconscious to the deck.
CLAGGART
(to the sailer with the whip)
Take him below to the sick berth.
The men watch as Taylor is carried below.
Captain Vere observes. Flanked by Radcliff and Seymour, he gives a speech.
CAPTAIN VERE
You may all believe that I somehow take pleasure in a man’s flogging.
Nothing could be further from the truth. But this is a time of war, and war requires absolute discipline. There is no — I repeat no — mercy within me for any of you taking any liberties with any rules of this ship. Hopefully, you’ve learned this much from me. Also, learn this. Life is about choice. In fact, choices define you as a man. Every choice matters, particularly in war. Your choices can become clear as long as your motivation is clear. One motivation is fear of the whip. That we have on display today. But I offer you another possible motivation. A positive one, if you will. I offer you to act in a disciplined way for your fellow mates that whey do not have to endure another flogging such as we’ve seen here. I could even offer a loftier motivation, but I somehow doubt any of you have it in you. Nonetheless, that loftier goal is love of King and Country. Believe it or not, such love exists among certain men. A love for something greater than one’s self. I count myself as a man who possesses such feelings.
Beat. Captain Vere surveys the men.
CLOSE: The men react in silence to the speech.
SEYMOOUR
(pause) Ship’s company dismissed.
The men filter toward their stations, or the lower deck.
INT. BELOW DECK – SAME TIME
Some of the men filter into the lower deck. Billy turns to O’Daniel.
BILLY
Why did they flog him?
O’DANIEL
One of a million reasons. Maybe he looked at Claggart the wrong way. Who knows.
INT. LOWER DECK – MESS TABLES – SAME TIME
Billy, O’Daniel, Johnson, Taylor, and the other maintopmen sit at the mess table. Taylor looks to Billy.
TAYLOR
Did they do any flogging’s on ‘The Rights of Man’.
BILLY BUDD
They didn’t.
O’DANIEL
The world is changing, I tell you. All this talk of freedom.
BILLY BUDD
Is there something wrong with it?
TAYLOR
The King doesn’t like it, that’s for sure. The Americans and their high-minded talk of liberty don’t sit well with the landed folks, like the King – or the Captain.
BILLY BUDD
I like the Captain.
TAYLOR
Billy – the Captain has one thought on his mind: duty and a pension. Eventually, he’ll be sittin’ pretty back on the estate while folks like us line up in the bread line or worse. They don’t give a rat’s arse about us – never will.
O’DANIEL
One can only hope the King will get wise sooner than later. If not, he’ll end up like Louis in France. (he makes a gesture across his neck indicating the guillotine)
Johnson, who has been silent, winces in pain. Taylor turns to him.
TAYLOR
You should see the ship’s doctor mate.
JOHNSON
It was Budd that did me in. Held me too tight in the match.
BILLY BUDD
I was just defending meself.
JOHNSON
I’ll be fine.
Claggart enters. All of the men stiffen up.
CLAGGART
Line up.
The men line up for Claggart. He walks up and down the line, examining then. He stops in front of Johnson and looks him over closely, noticing he is holding his side. Claggart walks on, glances at the floor, then looks up at them intently.
CLAGGART
Did you like the Captain’s speech?
All are silent.
CLAGGART
Budd? Did you like it?
BILLY BUDD
It was a fine speech. I liked it.
CLAGGART
You are an agreeable fellow, Budd. Too agreeable for my taste.
Claggart then turns to leave. Billy reaches out to touch him to ask him a question. Claggart turns around angrily.
CLAGGART
(glares at Billy)
Don’t touch me!
Billy backs off. Claggart glares at all the men.
CLAGGART
Don’t any of you ever touch me!
Claggart leaves.
Danskar approaches Billy.
DANSKAR
Are you wearin’ your cross?
BILLY BUDD
I suppose I should.
DANSKAR
Be careful of him, Billy. He’s the devil himself. He’s down on you, as sure as the sun sets.
Billy nods.
EXT. MID-SHIP – TOP MAST – DAY
Billy and Johnson work the top mast. Johnson is having trouble with his work, as he continues to hold his side in pain.
Billy tries to help Johnson, but he will have nothing of it and waves him away.
Claggart, below, looks up to them and notices the interaction, and that Johnson is in pain.
INT. LOWER DECK – BILLY’S HAMMOCK – NIGHT
Billy checks his hammock it is undone and not properly set. Danskar walks by, and he tells him.
BILLY
(to Danskar)
Someone’s messing with my Hammock. It’ll get me on the report, for sure.
Danskar eyes him over.
DANSKAR
Claggart has it in for you.
BILLY
What did I do to him?
DANSKAR
You remind him of something, Billy. Something he doesn’t like.
Billy fixes his hammock.
Squeak approaches Billy.
SQUEAK
Your hammock wasn’t tied right, Budd. I had to put you on the ship’s report.
Squeak turns to Danskar.
SQUEAK
You better pray for him, Danskar.
DANSKAR
I will.
Beat.
DANSKAR
God will decide Billy’s fate, not you or the Captain.
Squeak shakes his head at what he hears.
SQUEAK
(to Danskar)
I’d be careful with all your Godliness. Rubs men the wrong way.
Squeak leaves.
Billy ties his hammock.
BILLY BUDD
You might keep your preaching to yourself, Danskar.
Beat. He turns to Billy.
BILLY BUDD
Except for me. You can say what you want to me.
DANSKAR
You’re kind, Billy Budd.
Billy smiles.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. LOWER DECK – TABLE – NIGHT
Claggart’s whip HITS a tabletop.
CUT TO:
CLOSE, TABLE: SAME TIME
The men all looks to Claggart as they eat their soup.
CLAGGART
Line up. Keep your bowls with you.
The men move from the table and line up.
Claggart walks the line of men. He stops in front of O’Daniel and takes his bowl and sips the soup. Then he surveys the group.
CLAGGART
Do you like the stew?
The men are silent.
CLAGGART
The Captain gets better stew, I’m sure you all know that.
The men look on.
CLAGGART
The Captain gets better stew because he’s a better man. For one, he can read. He brings books with him – books on this very ship about subjects you cannot even fathom!
As Claggart walks by he bumps into Billy Budd and Billy’s soup spills on the ground. Claggart then hits the bowl with his whip and it falls on the ground.
Claggart looks at the bowl.
CLAGGART
Budd – you’ve dropped your soup!
Billy observes.
BUDD
You hit me, sir.
Claggart glares at him.
CLAGGART
I hit you?
He looks to the other men.
CLAGGART
Did any of you see me hit Budd?
The men remain silent.
CLAGGART
Johnson – did you see me hit Budd?
Johnson is silent. Johnson holds his side.
CLAGGART
Johnson – pick it up!
Johnson doesn’t move at first. Claggart walks to him and prods him with his whip.
CLAGGART
Are you hard of hearing? Pick up the bowl!
Johnson leans down to pick up the bowl, WINCING in pain. He is overcome, and cannot lift the bowl – in fact, he is unable to get up.
CLAGGART
Johnson – you don’t look fit.
JOHNSON
I’m fine.
Claggart looks at the others, and turns away. As his back is turned to them, he chides them.
CLAGGART
I want you all to hate me. I want you to hate me and have your hatred be your motivation for everything you do.
He turns around.
CLAGGART
The Captain missed that point in his speech. Hatred can motivate a man. It can motivate him to do quite profoundly unthinkable acts. Do you all agree?
The men are silent.
CLAGGART
Hate me. Hate me and you will do well.
Claggart turns and leaves. Once he is gone, the men relax and filter back to the tables.
KINKAID
He’s gonna get himself killed by one of us. I just wonder who.
O’DANIEL
Maybe you.
KINKAID
I certainly hate the bastard. He is certainly the sourest thing that ever landed on this good earth from Heaven or Hell.
Kinkaid turns to Billy.
KINKAID
Do you hate him, Budd?
Billy ponders.
BILLY BUDD
I don’t hate any man. It’s a fault, I suppose.
Beat.
BILLY BUDD
Is it true Claggart killed a man on the mainland?
O’DANIEL
Aye, I heard as much. It’s like that with some of these seamen. Either the Navy or prison. For me, it would have been Debtor’s prison. 10 pounds I owed.
INT. CAPTAIN VERE’S QUARTERS – NIGHT
The Captain sits at his desk. Claggart enters.
CLAGGART
Did you call for me sir?
The Captain motions for him to sit. He looks at him warily.
CAPTAIN
I’m thinking of giving Budd a promotion. Captain of the foretop. To replace Johnson.
CLAGGART
Johnson isn’t well.
CAPTAIN
I know. It’s obvious. We have to replace him. Budd is my choice. What’s your opinion?
CLAGGART
I would go with O’Daniel. Budd is too new. And he’s already on the ship’s report.
Beat.
CAPTAIN
Yes. The ship’s report. The epitome of accuracy.
Claggart is silent.
CAPTAIN
You’re dismissed, Mr. Claggart.
Claggart leaves. Radcliff enters.
RADCLIFF
You called for me sir?
He nods for Radcliff to sit.
CAPTAIN
I thinking of promoting Budd to Captain of the Foretop. To replace Johnson. Do you have an opinion on that?
RADCLIFF
Did you ask Lt. Seymour?
CAPTAIN
I did. He agrees with the decision. But I wanted to also check with you and Claggart.
RADCLIFF
And what of Claggart?
CAPTAIN
He wants to go with O’Daniel.
RADCLIFF
I would go with Budd.
Beat.
CAPTAIN
What do you think of Claggart?
RADCLIFF
He’s effective. Perhaps a little too effective.
CAPTAIN
Yes. I agree. Do you know he killed a man on the mainland?
RADCLIFF
I heard as much.
CAPTAIN
Do you know any of the details?
RADCLIFF
Not really. You might ask Mr. Seymour. He reviews the onboarding paperwork quite thoroughly.
EXT. MIDSHIP – MAINTOP – DAY
Johnson is on the maintop with Billy. He can barely make it up to the sails.
SAILOR
For God Sake’s man – you should get yourself below!
JOHNSON
I’m fine! Leave me be!
Johnson clearly cannot unfurl the sail he is responsible for. Billy notices this and moves from his position to help Johnson.
JOHNSON
Leave me be! I’ll get it!
Billy still helps him.
BILLY BUDD
I’ll just help you a bit!
One of the AFRICAN AMERICAN SAILORS shouts down to Claggart.
SAILOR
Mr. Claggart – we have an ill man!
CLAGGART
Who?
SAILOR
Johnson!
Claggart looks up at the sailor, pondering.
CLAGGART
Leave him! He stays aloft!
BACK TO BILLY AND JOHNSON.
Billy continues to help Johnson unfurl his sail.
CUT TO:
EXT. BOW – SAME TIME
A WATCHMAN on the Bow spots a French ship and SHOUTS to Claggart.
WATCHMAN
Enemy vessel, port side, 20 degrees!
Claggart moves to the bow and looks out with his scope.
He SHOUTS to the Stern side, Quarter Deck.
CLAGGART
Enemy ship, port side, 20 degrees. Clear for Action!
A sailor on the stern, quarter deck, shouts down toward the Captain’s Quarters.
SAILOR
Clear for Action! Enemy vessel port side!
EXT. QUARTER DECK – SAME TIME
Captain Vere, along with Lieutenants Radcliff and Seymour all rush from their quarters and stand on the Quarter Deck. The Captain looks through his telescope.
VERE
She’s French alright.
He turns to Radcliff.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN TOP – SAME TIME
As Billy is assisting Johnson, Johnson stumbles and falls a good sixty feet to the lower deck, killing him instantly. All work stops on unfurling and positioning the sails.
BACK TO THE CAPTAIN
CAPTAIN
What’s this?
RADCLIFF
I think we’ve got a maintopman fallen to the deck.
CAPTAIN
Just my luck.
EXT. DECK, WHERE JOHNSON HAS FALLEN – SAME TIME
Several of the men gather around Johnson. Claggart looms over him.
CLAGGART
Get back!
Claggart reaches down to Johnson, checks his pulse.
CLAGGART
What you all looking at! Haven’t you seen a dead man before!
The men all stare at him.
CLAGGART
We’ll tend to him later.
He rises and walks a few paces toward the stern. Then he turns back toward the men.
CLAGGART
Make haste – I’ll hand out the rifles. Ready the cannons.
The men continue to stare at him, without moving. The captain, noticing, hurries to the main deck and rushes toward Claggart.
The Captain stares at the men.
Kinkaid speaks up.
KINKAID
She’s already gone, captain. The sails aren’t ready because of Johnson. We’ll never catch her.
The Captain is incensed.
CAPTAIN
(to Kinkaid)
Did Mr. Claggart not give you orders to clear for action?
The men stare at the Captain.
CAPTAIN
Who the hell is commanding this ship!?
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN DECK – SAME TIME
Radcliff observes the French ship through his telescope. He returns to the Captain.
RADCLIFF
Kinkaid is right, sir. We’ve lost her.
The captain stares the men down and angrily barks orders to Claggart.
CAPTIN
Mr. Claggart, take Mr. Kinkaid into custody for insubordination.
KINKAID
I was just tellin’ you the truth, sir!
CAPTAIN
The truth! There is only one truth here! You were given orders and you did not obey!
The Captain continues to stare down the men.
CAPTAIN
Dismissed. Back to your stations. Keep in mind that if we have more of this and we’ll certainly all end up dead on the bottom of the Atlantic in no time, of that you can all be sure!
Claggart looks on, and nods to Squeak to take Kinkaid below.
Radcliff approaches the Captain.
RADCLIFF
Sir, as Captain of the Foretop, we’ll need to bury Johnson properly.
The Captain glares at him.
CAPTAIN
Do as you must.
-
Don Thompson’s Turning Point 1 Scene
What I learned: Turning points are necessary to keep tension and forward momentum in your script. In fact, they are essential.
FADE IN:
INT. LOWER DECK – TABLE – NIGHT
Claggart’s staff HITS a tabletop.
CUT TO:
CLOSE, TABLE: SAME TIME
The men all look to Claggart as they eat their soup.
CLAGGART
Line up. Keep your bowls with you.The men move from the table and line up.
Claggart walks the line of men. He stops in front of O’Daniel, takes his bowl and sips the soup. Then he surveys the group.
CLAGGART
Do you like the stew?The men are silent.
CLAGGART
The Captain gets better stew, I’m sure you all know that.The men look on.
CLAGGART
The Captain gets better stew because he’s a better man. For one, he can read. He brings books with him – books on this very ship about subjects you cannot even fathom!As Claggart walks by he bumps into Billy Budd and Billy’s soup spills on the ground. Claggart then hits the bowl with his whip and it falls on the ground.
Claggart looks at the bowl.
CLAGGART
Budd – you’ve dropped your soup!Billy observes.
BUDD
You hit me, sir.Claggart glares at him.
CLAGGART
I hit you?He looks to the other men.
CLAGGART
Did any of you see me hit Budd?The men remain silent.
CLAGGART
Johnson – did you see me hit Budd?Johnson is silent. Johnson holds his side.
CLAGGART
Johnson – pick it up!Johnson doesn’t move at first. Claggart walks to him and prods him with his staff.
CLAGGART
Are you hard of hearing? Pick up the bowl!Johnson leans down to pick up the bowl, WINCING in pain.
He is overcome, and cannot lift the bowl – in fact, he is unable to get up.
CLAGGART
Johnson – you don’t look fit.JOHNSON
I’m fine.Claggart looks at the others and turns away. As his back is turned to them, he chides them.
CLAGGART
I want you all to hate me. I want you to hate me and have your hatred be your motivation for everything you do.He turns around.
CLAGGART
The Captain missed that point in his speech. Hatred can motivate a man. It can motivate him to do quite profoundly unthinkable acts. Do you all agree?The men are silent.
CLAGGART
Hate me. Hate me and you will do well.Claggart turns and leaves. Once he is gone, the men relax and filter back to the tables.
KINKAID
He’s gonna get himself killed by one of us. I just wonder who.O’DANIEL
Maybe you.KINKAID
I definitely hate the bastard. He is certainly the sourest thing that ever landed on this good earth from Heaven or Hell.Kinkaid turns to Billy.
KINKAID
Do you hate him, Budd?Billy ponders.
BILLY BUDD
I don’t hate any man. It’s a fault, I suppose.Beat.
BILLY BUDD
Is it true Claggart killed a man on the mainland?O’DANIEL
Aye, I heard as much. It’s like that with some of these seamen. Either the Navy or prison. For me, it would have been Debtor’s prison. 10 pounds I owed. -
Don Thompson’s Inciting Incident – Act I
What I learned: this exercise reinforced in me the idea that the inciting incident is pivotal and turns the action toward its logical conclusion.
INT. LOWER DECK – COMMON AREA – NIGHT
The men are gathered around for their evening meal. Billy sits at a table with maintopmen JENKINS (30), O’DANIEL (35), JONES (28), and TALBOT (30). Each of the men eat the ‘stew’ that has been prepared for them.
JENKINS
So Budd, how does this stew compare to ‘The Rights of Man’.Billy considers.
BILLY BUDD
It’s fillin’.O’DANIEL
So you don’t care for the taste of it?BILLY BUDD
It makes my stomach warm – that’s enough.Beat.
BILLY BUDD
Where are we headed?KINKAID
The coast of Spain. Reinforcements.BILLY BUDD
Are we winnin’ the war?JONES
They don’t tell us those things, Billy. It’s not our business. We just need to fight the battles so they can claim the glory.JENKINS
Are you up for it Billy? Winnin’ battles?BILLY BUDD
I suppose so. As much as the next man.JENKINS
You aren’t going to run and hide then when the French send the first volley?O’DANIEL
Leave him be, Jenkins. Give him at least a day before breakin’ him in.JENKINS
Might as well be now. How strong are you, Billy? You look too damn pretty to be much of a fighter.Jenkins turns to the others.
JENKINS
I’m not sure why they chose such a pretty boy.Billy looks him over.
BILLY BUDD
I can fight.JENKINS
I dare say you look like flower to me. You’ll wilt at the first sound of a cannon.Billy raises his arm for an arm wrestle.
BILLY BUDD
Come on then, show your stuff!Jenkins slaps his arm away and stands.
JENKINS
We wrestle or nothing!The others clear the tables, allowing for an ad hoc wrestling arena.
JONES
Don’t fall for it Billy. Don’t make any trouble.Billy stands and engages Jenkins in a wrestling match.
At first, Jenkins seems to have an advantage, but Billy is able to overcome him and throw him to the side. This just enrages Jenkins more.
The men CHEER as the two men have at it.
JENKINS
Beginner’s luck!Jenkins lunges at Billy, but Billy is able to move quickly and deftly and get Jenkins in an arm lock. He throws him again to the side. This time, Jenkins is defeated and holds his side in pain.
CUT TO:
INT. TABLETOP – SAME TIME
Claggart’s horsewhip HITS the table.
CLAGGART
All right. What’s the trouble?All the men fall silent and look at Claggart. Claggart eyes them over.
CLAGGART
Who started it?All the men look furtively at each other. Claggart looks at Billy Budd.
CLAGGART
Budd?Billy says nothing. He opens his mouth, but no words come out.
CLAGGART
Seymour said they called you the ‘Peacemaker’ on the ‘Rights of Man’. So much for that distinction!Claggart looks all of them over angrily.
CLAGGART
I expect all of you on deck at sunrise for McDaniel’s flogging. We need discipline on this ship, not fighting.Claggart leaves.
KINCAID
Bugger him.The men LAUGH.
-
Don Thompson’s Act I Opening Scenes
What I learned: not be a perfectionist when writing quickly.
FADE IN:
An image of the open sea. The camera SLOWY PANS UPWARD, and we see the HMS Avenger, circa the 1790s.
PROLOGUE:
“In 1797, at the beginning of the Napoleanic conflict between Great Britain and France, tensions were high within the Royal Navy. Two mutinies on Naval frigates — one on the Nore and the other on the Spitfire — had occurred within the past year and this reality weighed heavily on the Naval Officers who needed to maintain order and discipline within the ranks of their sometimes unwilling and undisciplined crews. Moreover, the United States had just won the revolutionary war and a new constitution had just been signed. All of these events weighed heavily on the ruling elites of Great Britain.
The HMS Avenger, under the leadership of Captain Edwin Vere, was thrust into an internal conflict that reflected the tension of the times and thoughts of freedom and the promise of human happiness that drifted through the minds of the people. Could the captain hold together a disgruntled crew and ensure unity with these social trends at play? Was force the only way to do so? Or could something else motivate people to unite other than fear and force?
Into this volatile mix enters William Budd, merchant seaman on the ‘Rights of Man’.This is his story.”
FADE OUT:
FADE IN, TITLE:
BILLY BUDD
FADE OUT:
EXT. ROYAL NAVY FRIGATE HMS AVENGER, NORTHERN FRANCE, 1797 – DAY
CAPTAIN VERE (35) looks out through a telescope to the Merchant Ship ‘The Rights of Man’. Next to him stands his First Lieutenant Phillip Seymour (30), the Master of Arms Claggart (45), and Second Lieutenant Julian Radcliff (27).
VERE
(almost to himself)
‘The Rights of Man’.SEYMOUR
Let’s hope she has some willing recruits.VERE
I’ll take unwilling recruits at this point.Beat.
VERE
(to Radcliff)
Steer leeward toward her. Make haste, lest she outrun us.Radcliff turns toward the forward deck, looking down at the assorted crew, and shouts.
RADCLIFF
Leeward Ho – make haste! You know where we’re going! You can see her plain as day. She’s port, 15 degrees!The men scramble to the sails and adjust accordingly.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN DECK – ‘THE RIGHTS OF MAN’ – SAME TIME
CAPTAIN JAMES SMITH (50) of the ‘Rights of Man’ – a merchant ship under the British Flag, stares through a telescope and speaks to his Chief Mate.
CAPTAIN
She’s British.CHIEF MATE
Impressment.CAPTAIN
No doubt.CUT TO:
EXT. RIGHTS OF MAN – SAME TIME
A pinnace – or small boat – pulls up alongside the ship, carrying Lieutenant Seymour and five crew members.
Seymour boards the ship and the Captain and his Lieutenants line up. Seymour salutes the Captain.
SEYMOUR
Lieutenant Seymour, HMS Avenger.CAPTAIN
I won’t tell you my name, sir. But I understand your intent.SEYMOUR
You are the Captain?CAPTAIN
As sure as day.SEYMOUR
Line them up then.The Captain leans into his Chief Mate and speaks to him quietly:
CAPTAIN
Round them up. Everyone except Billy Budd.The Chief Mate nods.
The CHIEF MATE SHOUTS to the men:
CHIEF MATE
Line up for the good lieutenant!He walks aft and finds Billy Budd (19) tying a rope around some rigging. Billy is a striking young man – an almost perfect physical specimen, with a shock of blonde hair that is both unruly and glowing in the sun.
CHIEF MATE
(to Budd)
Billy – be a good lad and get me a swig of rum from the kitchen. Wait there for me. Don’t leave until I come for you.BILLY BUDD
Don’t leave?CHIEF MATE
Stay down below until they’re gone. Captain’s orders.CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN DECK – RIGHTS OF MAN – DAY
Seymour observes the dozens of men, lined up in two rows, examining each. He prods them, asks them to open their mouths to examine their teeth. The Captain and Chief Mate follow close behind.
Lt. Seymour stops at one man, DANSKAR (30) an African American — and quite tall and muscular compared to the others.
SEYMOUR
And where are you from?DANSKAR
Dutch West Indies.He eyes him over.
SEYMOUR
Open your mouth.Danskar opens his mouth and Seymour peers in.
CAPTAIN
You won’t like him. He has a nasty disposition and tries to get everyone to pray to Jesus.Beat.
SEYMOUR
I like Jesus. We’ll take him.Beat.
DANSKAR
God has led me to you.Seymour looks him over and nods.
SEYMOUR
Let’s hope so.The Captain interjects.
CAPTAIN
They’re a sorry lot. I apologize I don’t have better for you.SEYMOUR
What about below?CAPTAIN
There’s no one below.Seymour eyes him distrustfully.
CUT TO:
INT. LOWER DECK – MOMENTS LATER
Seymour and his assistants climb down the steep stairs to the lower deck. Billy sits in a corner, sipping a glass of rum. He looks up at them and smiles. His teeth are perfectly shaped and his smile is winning, to say the least. His complexion is unstained and his tan is golden.
BILLY BUDD
(flashing a smile)
Care for some rum? It’s the captain’s favorite!Seymore looks at Billy astonished. It’s like seeing a purebred horse in the midst of a trash heap. He turns to the Captain.
SEYMOUR
And where did you find him? In a basket on the Nile?CAPTAIN
He’s a bastard child from Bristol, I think. That’s about all he remembers.SEYMOUR
He looks like they dropped him from heaven.CUT TO:
Billy flashes his bright smile.
Seymour walks over to Billy and looks at him. He takes the cup from Billy’s hand and takes a swig. After his drink, he turns to the Captain.
SEYMOUR
Not bad.CAPTAIN
Don’t take him. He’s my peacemaker.SEYMOUR
Peacemaker?CAPTAIN
He’s a cheery fellow. His attitude is infectious. It won’t be the same without him.Seymour nods then looks to Billy.
SEYMOUR
He might be good for morale on the Avenger. -
Don Thompson – Beat Sheet Draft I and II combined
What I learned from this assignment is: to work quickly and not be too concerned about quality at this point.
ACT I
FADE IN:
An image of the open sea. The camera SLOWY PANS UPWARD, and we see the HMS Avenger, circa 1790s.
PROLOGUE
EXT. ROYAL NAVY FRIGATE HMS AVENGER, NORTHERN FRANCE,
1797 – DAY
Captain Vere of the HMS Avenger looks through his telescope to the merchant ship ‘The Rights of Man’ and indicates his desire to obtain impressments (forced recruits) from her.
EXT. MAIN DECK – ‘THE RIGHTS OF MAN’ – SAME TIME
Captain James Smith of ‘The Rights of Man’ also looks through a telescope toward the HMS Avenger. He notes the ship is British and likely seeks recruits.
EXT. RIGHTS OF MAN – SAME TIME
Lt. Seymour of the Avenger takes a small boat to ‘The Rights of Man’, boards the ship, and states his purpose.
EXT. MAIN DECK – RIGHTS OF MAN – DAY
He finds two recruits: Billy Budd, a young man of 18 from Bristol, and Danskar, an African American from the Dutch West Indies. Billy is a striking young man – an ‘almost perfect physical specimen’ who is called ‘the peacemaker’ by Captain Smith because of his positive effect on the crew.
EXT. PINNANCE (SMALL BOAT) ON SIDE OF THE ‘RIGHTS OF MAN’ – DAY
Lt. Seymour takes Billy and Danskar back to HMS Avenger.
EXT. HMS AVENGER – SOME MINUTES LATER – DAY
Billy is greeted by the seventy-four or so men on the Avenger. He is asked to sign a document by Master-of-Arms Claggart that, because Billy is illiterate, he signs ‘X’.
Billy jokes with Claggart and the observing men automatically take a liking to Billy.
Danskar also signs the papers, but only after asking what he is signing. After Claggart explains, he signs his name as ‘Thomas Paine’ – the author of the book ‘The Rights of Man’.
Claggart asks his assistant SQUEAK to take the men to their hammocks on the lower deck.
INT. LOWER DECK – MOMENTS LATER
Squeak leads Danskar and Billy to their hammocks. Danskar’s hammock is in the rear, Billy’s near the middle.
INT. LOWER DECK – ANOTHER HAMMOCK – DAY
Squeak’s stick taps on the other hammock. It is Billy’s.
INT. CAPTAIN VERE’S QUARTERS – DAY
Claggart enters and tells the Captain about the new recruits.
BACK TO MID-SHIP.
Billy plays the Harmonica and all of the men listen. He sings them a song until Claggart breaks up the festivities, and takes Billy’s Harmonica from him.
INT. LOWER DECK – COMMON AREA – NIGHT
The men gather for their evening meal and Jenkins, in an attempt to assert his dominance, picks a fight with Billy. Billy stammers and Jenkins teases him. Billy wins the fight. Claggart looks them over, saying nothing.
Danskar give Billy a cross ‘for protection’.
EXT. MAIN DECK – SUNRISE – NEXT DAY
Ferriman receives a hundred lashes and is bloodied and unconscious afterwards.
Captain Vere gives a speech. (transformational event)
CAPTAIN VERE gives a moving speech, trying to get the men to find a patriotic outlook.
The men look on, unconvinced, as Vere completes his speech.
The man who was flogged is taken to the sick birth
INT. BELOW DECK – SAME TIME
The men filter into the lower deck. Back and forth conversation about the flogging and the illegitimacy of it all. Someone asks Billy if they were ever flogged on ‘The Rights of Man’. He says that they weren’t.
Danskar approaches him. He tells Billy to keep his hammock in order. They are likely to both be targeted to get on the ship’s report. If that happens, they could be next on the list for flogging.
Billy asks Jenkins: Why was the man flogged? It could be almost anything, Jenkin retorts.
Claggart enters. Billy attempts a friendly gesture – somehow touches Claggart. ‘Don’t touch me!’ he says firmly. Billy backs off.
Danskar warns him to watch out for Claggart. He has seen his type before.
EXT. MID-SHIP – MAST – DAY
Billy is on watch, looking out for ships. Jenkins is with him and shows signs of weakness: something is wrong with him and he winces in pain (probably from his fight with Billy).
Billy asks him about it and he waves it off. Squeak also notices – wonders if it is something Claggart should know about. He waves Squeak off as well.
INT. LOWER DECK – BILLY’S HAMMOCK – NIGHT
Billy checks his hammock – it is undone and not properly set. He turns to Danskar, telling him this is the second time he’s seen it this way.
Squeak approaches. Tells Billy to be careful – he had to include the mishap on the ship’s report. Billy and Danskar sense a trap – someone wants Billy on the report.
Squeak also warns Danskar and asks does he want to be next for a flogging. Danskar indicates it is God who will decide. Squeak laughs.
INT. LOWER DESK – TABLE – NIGHT
The men are gathered at the table. Banter back and forth about the politics of the time. American Liberty. French Revolution. Jenkins is ill and cannot eat.
Claggart enters. The men stand and line up. He bumps against Billy and forces him to drop his bowl. Claggart insists Jenkins clean it. Jenkins cannot lean down – he is ill. Claggart is apparently trying to demonstrate how ill Jenkins is.
Claggart challenges the men to attack him. He even turns his back on them. Claggart calls the men spineless and leaves.
Jenkins vows to kill Claggart. The rest warn against it.
INT. CAPTAIN VERE’S QUARTERS – NIGHT
Vere has called Claggart into his quarters. He asks if Billy Budd should be given a promotion. Claggart is against it, notes his infraction. Vere seems intent on promoting Billy to chief maintopman, as Jenkins appears unfit.
Claggart leaves. The Captain conferences with Lt. Ratcliffe. He asks him about Billy. Also asks him what he knows about Claggart. Ratcliff says the Claggart committed some crime and was given a choice: the Navy or jail. What crime? Murder perhaps. He notes that regardless, Claggart is a good master of arms. Ratcliff also notes that Claggart will likely oppose Billy Budd’s promotion.
EXT. MIDSHIP – MAINTOP – DAY
Jenkins is on the main top with Billy. He can barely make it up to the sails. One of the sailors wants to take him to sick berth, but Claggart refuses it, forces Jenkins back to the maintop.
EXT. CLOSE – MAINTOP – DAY
A Watchman spots a French ship. The men are called to action. As this occurs, Billy moves to help Jenkins at his post as he clearly is unable to handle his duties. While all this occurs, Jenkins falls to the lower deck and is killed immediately.
EXT. DECK – DAY
Claggart looms over the body, as do the others. But the presence of the French ship forces them to take arms and fire. Lt. Seymour sends the orders to fire at will. But the men don’t react. Mr. Kincaid tells Lt. Seymour that they’ve lost the French ship. Seymour has Kincaid arrested for insubordination.
EXT. DECK – NEAR CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – DAY
The Captain comes on deck and heatedly wants to know the situation. Not all the men come to attention. The Captain is incensed. He reminds them of their duty. He is quite adamant: their only duty is to fight and obey.
The Captain inquires about Jenkins’s death. It was an accident is the consensus.
ACT II
EXT. DECK – LATER THAT DAY
Jenkins is put to rest at sea. The men watch solemnly as the body is shoved over the deck. The company is dismissed by Lt. Seymour. He turns to Billy: the Captain wishes to see him.
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – SAME TIME
The Captain informs Billy that he will take on Jenkin’s responsibilities. Billy is happy with the promotion. My Seymour wonders if Claggart should be consulted further. The Captain will proceed without Claggart’s assistance. The Captain asks Billy about Jenkin’s death. Billy tells him he feels Claggart is responsible as he would not allow him to go to the sick berth.
Claggart then enters and protests the promotion. The Captain insists it is the right thing to do.
Claggart also inquires about Kincaid. He feels he must be flogged. The Captain Okays the flogging – but only 10 lashes instead of the normal 100 that Claggart recommends. Claggart notes that men must adhere to the rule of law. The Captain asks him about his past. Has he not at times been treated leniently for indiscretions? Claggart relents. The Captain notes Claggart’s hypocrisy.
EXT. MID-SHIP DECK – DAY
Kincaid is ordered by Claggart to receive 10 lashes. The Captain observes, then leaves. Mr. Seymour dismisses the crew.
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – MOMENTS LATER
The Captain conferences with Seymour. What to do about Claggart? He is clearly stepping out of bounds with his behavior vis-à-vis Jenkins. The Captain insists that Claggart must be kept in his position as he is required to keep order on the ship.
The Captain asks Seymour and Ratcliff if they know about Claggart’s past – any details that might explain his behavior. Seymour believes he was involved in a killing of some sort but there was some confusion about it’ ‘Who was it?’ ‘A friend’ says Seymour. ‘A close friend’, he clarifies. ‘Claggart is not married’.
The Captain nods. ‘A killing of a close friend,’ he repeats.
ACT III
EXT. MID-SHIP – NIGHT
Billy is on watch. Claggart also walks the deck. They begin to talk.
Billy says he wishes to be his friend. Claggart looks him over. Claggart indicates there is no such thing in this world as a friend. Billy asks him if he ever had a friend. Claggart indicates he has only had one friend in his life, and he is dead. How? Asks Billy. Consumption (tuberculosis), says Claggart. Billy nods.
Claggart, in a moment of vulnerability, recounts the death. ‘He had to die, you see – he was suffering too much. I was glad he died. I couldn’t bear it. And I am glad that Jenkins died’.
Billy nods. Claggart is near tears. ‘I had to do it,’ he says.
Billy nods but does not quite comprehend. ‘Do what?”
‘You don’t know?’
‘No’.
Beat – Claggart lashes out at Billy. ‘Get away from me! Damn you to hell! You remind me of him – damn you to hell!’
Billy backs off, but asks him: “Do you really take pleasure in cruelty, sir?”
“Has not life been cruel to me? I simply do what life does to me to others. Look out to that ocean. What is underneath? I tell you, it is despair, death, coldness.”
“Funny,” Billy returns. “I see peace. And I see a lonely man”.
Claggart eyes him over. “Get away!” he says.
Billy backs off again.
Claggart continues to walk the deck. Squeak approaches him. He says he cannot do anything more to get Billy on the report. Danskar is watching too closely. Claggart insists he finds a way.
EXT. CANNON PORTAL – NIGHT
Billy has retreated to a portal and watches the sea. Squeak finds him and warns him that Claggart is out to get him. He says he can’t stand to betray the men anymore. Squeak fears mutiny on the ship, like the Nore and Spitfire. He admits to helping Claggart get Billy on the report. Squeak asks Billy if he will help in a plot to kill Claggart. Billy says he won’t.
INT. CLAGGART’S QUARTERS – LATER
Squeak enters. Apparently, he has still been spying on Billy and trying to get him to betray Claggart. But Billy would have nothing of it. Claggart is beside himself. Claggart threatens Squeak with the lash to get him to betray Billy and say that he is out to murder Claggart and run a mutiny.
INT. LOWER DECK – NIGHT
Billy confides in Danskar what happened with Claggart. Danskar says the will of God is working against Claggart and Billy at the same time. He must be careful. Billy returns to the upper deck.
EXT. UPPER DECK – SAME TIME
Seymour is on deck and asks Claggart if all is in order. He says yes.
Claggart continues his watch, Kincaid stalks him from behind. But Billy stops him, overcomes him and forces him to drop his blade.
Claggart confronts them. Then Seymour. There is a knife on the deck near Claggart. Whose knife is this? Claggart picks it up.
Seymour returns – hearing the commotion. Claggart holds out the knife.
Whose knife? Asks Seymour. Billy Budd’s replies Claggart. Seymour says ‘give it back to him’. A tense moment. Seymour indicates that Claggart said all is well – so all is well. Return to your positions.
Seymour leaves, after indicating he wants neither man to appear on the ship’s report. He orders both Kincaid and Billy to go below.
EXT. MID-SHIP DECK – NEXT DAY
Captain Vere commands Mr. Ratcliff to provide more sail. He shouts his orders to the men.
ACT IV
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – MOMENTS LATER
Claggart enters and accuses Billy of trying to kill him and start a mutiny.
The Captain is hesitant to believe this. He calls Billy into his quarters.
Billy listens to the accusations as they come directly from Claggart. Billy cannot believe it and beings to stutter. Then, suddenly, unable to speak, he hits Claggart squarely in the temple. Claggart falls, dead.
The Captain calls the ship’s doctor. On examination, he finds Claggart is indeed killed.
Claggart orders Billy taken below into custody and convenes a makeshift court marshall with himself, Ratcliff, Seymour, and NNNN.
At the end of their intense debate, the Captain argues to hang Billy. The others want acquittal.
They summon Danskar to bear witness as to whether Claggart bore malice toward Billy. He affirms it.
The Captain decides that he will hang Billy.
EXT. MID-SHIP – DAY
All of the men are assembled. None are sure what is about. Then it is revealed that Billy killed Claggart and will be hanged.
The men are beside themselves and it is difficult to maintain order. Vere and his men are barely able to hold the crew back.
Billy is brought out and hanged.
The men are distraught.
But just then, a French Ship appears unexpectedly and fires at the Avenger.
EXT. GUNS – DAY
The men take to the guns and begin to fire. The French Ship has the advantage of surprise and several volleys pierce the Avenger. The Captain is killed.
The Avenger, manages to fend off the attack, but not without substantial damage. Seymour takes command and they head toward the nearest friendly port.
EPILOGUE
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Don Thompson – Beat Sheet Draft I and II combined
What I learned from this assignment is: to work quickly and not be too concerned about quality at this point.
ACT I
FADE IN:
An image of the open sea. The camera SLOWY PANS UPWARD, and we see the HMS Avenger, circa 1790s.
PROLOGUE
EXT. ROYAL NAVY FRIGATE HMS AVENGER, NORTHERN FRANCE,
1797 – DAY
Captain Vere of the HMS Avenger looks through his telescope to the merchant ship ‘The Rights of Man’ and indicates his desire to obtain impressments (forced recruits) from her.
EXT. MAIN DECK – ‘THE RIGHTS OF MAN’ – SAME TIME
Captain James Smith of ‘The Rights of Man’ also looks through a telescope toward the HMS Avenger. He notes the ship is British and likely seeks recruits.
EXT. RIGHTS OF MAN – SAME TIME
Lt. Seymour of the Avenger takes a small boat to ‘The Rights of Man’, boards the ship, and states his purpose.
EXT. MAIN DECK – RIGHTS OF MAN – DAY
He finds two recruits: Billy Budd, a young man of 18 from Bristol, and Danskar, an African American from the Dutch West Indies. Billy is a striking young man – an ‘almost perfect physical specimen’ who is called ‘the peacemaker’ by Captain Smith because of his positive effect on the crew.
EXT. PINNANCE (SMALL BOAT) ON SIDE OF THE ‘RIGHTS OF MAN’ – DAY
Lt. Seymour takes Billy and Danskar back to HMS Avenger.
EXT. HMS AVENGER – SOME MINUTES LATER – DAY
Billy is greeted by the seventy-four or so men on the Avenger. He is asked to sign a document by Master-of-Arms Claggart that, because Billy is illiterate, he signs ‘X’.
Billy jokes with Claggart and the observing men automatically take a liking to Billy.
Danskar also signs the papers, but only after asking what he is signing. After Claggart explains, he signs his name as ‘Thomas Paine’ – the author of the book ‘The Rights of Man’.
Claggart asks his assistant SQUEAK to take the men to their hammocks on the lower deck.
INT. LOWER DECK – MOMENTS LATER
Squeak leads Danskar and Billy to their hammocks. Danskar’s hammock is in the rear, Billy’s near the middle.
INT. LOWER DECK – ANOTHER HAMMOCK – DAY
Squeak’s stick taps on the other hammock. It is Billy’s.
INT. CAPTAIN VERE’S QUARTERS – DAY
Claggart enters and tells the Captain about the new recruits.
BACK TO MID-SHIP.
Billy plays the Harmonica and all of the men listen. He sings them a song until Claggart breaks up the festivities, and takes Billy’s Harmonica from him.
INT. LOWER DECK – COMMON AREA – NIGHT
The men gather for their evening meal and Jenkins, in an attempt to assert his dominance, picks a fight with Billy. Billy stammers and Jenkins teases him. Billy wins the fight. Claggart looks them over, saying nothing.
Danskar give Billy a cross ‘for protection’.
EXT. MAIN DECK – SUNRISE – NEXT DAY
Ferriman receives a hundred lashes and is bloodied and unconscious afterwards.
Captain Vere gives a speech. (transformational event)
CAPTAIN VERE gives a moving speech, trying to get the men to find a patriotic outlook.
The men look on, unconvinced, as Vere completes his speech.
The man who was flogged is taken to the sick birth
INT. BELOW DECK – SAME TIME
The men filter into the lower deck. Back and forth conversation about the flogging and the illegitimacy of it all. Someone asks Billy if they were ever flogged on ‘The Rights of Man’. He says that they weren’t.
Danskar approaches him. He tells Billy to keep his hammock in order. They are likely to both be targeted to get on the ship’s report. If that happens, they could be next on the list for flogging.
Billy asks Jenkins: Why was the man flogged? It could be almost anything, Jenkin retorts.
Claggart enters. Billy attempts a friendly gesture – somehow touches Claggart. ‘Don’t touch me!’ he says firmly. Billy backs off.
Danskar warns him to watch out for Claggart. He has seen his type before.
EXT. MID-SHIP – MAST – DAY
Billy is on watch, looking out for ships. Jenkins is with him and shows signs of weakness: something is wrong with him and he winces in pain (probably from his fight with Billy).
Billy asks him about it and he waves it off. Squeak also notices – wonders if it is something Claggart should know about. He waves Squeak off as well.
INT. LOWER DECK – BILLY’S HAMMOCK – NIGHT
Billy checks his hammock – it is undone and not properly set. He turns to Danskar, telling him this is the second time he’s seen it this way.
Squeak approaches. Tells Billy to be careful – he had to include the mishap on the ship’s report. Billy and Danskar sense a trap – someone wants Billy on the report.
Squeak also warns Danskar and asks does he want to be next for a flogging. Danskar indicates it is God who will decide. Squeak laughs.
INT. LOWER DESK – TABLE – NIGHT
The men are gathered at the table. Banter back and forth about the politics of the time. American Liberty. French Revolution. Jenkins is ill and cannot eat.
Claggart enters. The men stand and line up. He bumps against Billy and forces him to drop his bowl. Claggart insists Jenkins clean it. Jenkins cannot lean down – he is ill. Claggart is apparently trying to demonstrate how ill Jenkins is.
Claggart challenges the men to attack him. He even turns his back on them. Claggart calls the men spineless and leaves.
Jenkins vows to kill Claggart. The rest warn against it.
INT. CAPTAIN VERE’S QUARTERS – NIGHT
Vere has called Claggart into his quarters. He asks if Billy Budd should be given a promotion. Claggart is against it, notes his infraction. Vere seems intent on promoting Billy to chief maintopman, as Jenkins appears unfit.
Claggart leaves. The Captain conferences with Lt. Ratcliffe. He asks him about Billy. Also asks him what he knows about Claggart. Ratcliff says the Claggart committed some crime and was given a choice: the Navy or jail. What crime? Murder perhaps. He notes that regardless, Claggart is a good master of arms. Ratcliff also notes that Claggart will likely oppose Billy Budd’s promotion.
EXT. MIDSHIP – MAINTOP – DAY
Jenkins is on the main top with Billy. He can barely make it up to the sails. One of the sailors wants to take him to sick berth, but Claggart refuses it, forces Jenkins back to the maintop.
EXT. CLOSE – MAINTOP – DAY
A Watchman spots a French ship. The men are called to action. As this occurs, Billy moves to help Jenkins at his post as he clearly is unable to handle his duties. While all this occurs, Jenkins falls to the lower deck and is killed immediately.
EXT. DECK – DAY
Claggart looms over the body, as do the others. But the presence of the French ship forces them to take arms and fire. Lt. Seymour sends the orders to fire at will. But the men don’t react. Mr. Kincaid tells Lt. Seymour that they’ve lost the French ship. Seymour has Kincaid arrested for insubordination.
EXT. DECK – NEAR CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – DAY
The Captain comes on deck and heatedly wants to know the situation. Not all the men come to attention. The Captain is incensed. He reminds them of their duty. He is quite adamant: their only duty is to fight and obey.
The Captain inquires about Jenkins death. It was an accident is the consensus.
ACT II
EXT. DECK – LATER THAT DAY
Jenkins is put to rest at sea. The men watch solemnly as the body is shoved over the deck. The company is dismissed by Lt. Seymour. He turns to Billy: the Captain wishes to see him.
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – SAME TIME
The Captain informs Billy that he will take on Jenkin’s responsibilities. Billy is happy with the promotion. My Seymour wonders if Claggart should be consulted further. The Captain will proceed without Claggart’s assistance. The Captain asks Billy about Jenkin’s death. Billy tells him he feels Claggart is responsible as he would not allow him to go to the sick berth.
Claggart then enters and protests the promotion. The Captain insists it is the right thing to do.
Claggart also inquires about Kincaid. He feels he must be flogged. The Captain Okays the flogging – but only 10 lashes instead of the normal 100 that Claggart recommends. Claggart notes that men must adhere to the rule of law. The Captain asks him about his past. Has he not at times been treated leniently for indiscretions? Claggart relents. The Captain notes Claggart’s hypocrisy.
EXT. MID-SHIP DECK – DAY
Kincaid is ordered by Claggart to receive 10 lashes. The Captain observes, then leaves. Mr. Seymour dismisses the crew.
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – MOMENTS LATER
The Captain conferences with Seymour. What to do about Claggart? He is clearly stepping out of bounds with his behavior vis-à-vis Jenkins. The Captain insists that Claggart must be kept in his position as he is required to keep order on the ship.
The Captain asks Seymour and Ratcliff if they know about Claggart’s past – any details that might explain his behavior. Seymour believes he was involved in a killing of some sort but there was some confusion about it’ ‘Who was it?’ ‘A friend’ says Seymour. ‘A close friend’, he clarifies. ‘Claggart is not married’.
The Captain nods. ‘A killing of a close friend,’ he repeats.
ACT III
EXT. MID-SHIP – NIGHT
Billy is on watch. Claggart also walks the deck. They begin to talk.
Billy says he wishes to be his friend. Claggart looks him over. Claggart indicates there is no such thing in this world as a friend. Billy asks him if he ever had a friend. Claggart indicates he has only had one friend in his life, and he is dead. How? Asks Billy. Consumption (tuberculosis), says Claggart. Billy nods.
Claggart, in a moment of vulnerability, recounts the death. ‘He had to die, you see – he was suffering too much. I was glad he died. I couldn’t bear it. And I am glad that Jenkins died’.
Billy nods. Claggart is near tears. ‘I had to do it,’ he says.
Billy nods but does not quite comprehend. ‘Do what?”
‘You don’t know?’
‘No’.
Beat – Claggart lashes out at Billy. ‘Get away from me! Damn you to hell! You remind me of him – damn you to hell!’
Billy backs off, but asks him: “Do you really take pleasure in cruelty, sir?”
“Has not life been cruel to me? I simply do what life does to me to others. Look out to that ocean. What is underneath? I tell you, it is despair, death, coldness.”
“Funny,” Billy returns. “I see peace. And I see a lonely man”.
Claggart eyes him over. “Get away!” he says.
Billy backs off again.
Claggart continues to walk the deck. Squeak approaches him. He says he cannot do anything more to get Billy on the report. Danskar is watching too closely. Claggart insists he finds a way.
EXT. CANNON PORTAL – NIGHT
Billy has retreated to a portal and watches the sea. Squeak finds him and warns him that Claggart is out to get him. He says he can’t stand to betray the men anymore. Squeak fears mutiny on the ship, like the Nore and Spitfire. He admits to helping Claggart get Billy on the report. Squeak asks Billy if he will help in a plot to kill Claggart. Billy says he won’t.
INT. CLAGGART’S QUARTERS – LATER
Squeak enters. Apparently, he has still been spying on Billy and trying to get him to betray Claggart. But Billy would have nothing of it. Claggart is beside himself. Claggart threatens Squeak with the lash to get him to betray Billy and say that he is out to murder Claggart and run a mutiny.
INT. LOWER DECK – NIGHT
Billy confides in Danskar what happened with Claggart. Danskar says the will of God is working against Claggart and Billy at the same time. He must be careful. Billy returns to the upper deck.
EXT. UPPER DECK – SAME TIME
Seymour is on deck and asks Claggart if all is in order. He says yes.
Claggart continues his watch, Kincaid stalks him from behind. But Billy stops him, overcomes him and forces him to drop his blade.
Claggart confronts them. Then Seymour. There is a knife on the deck near Claggart. Whose knife is this? Claggart picks it up.
Seymour returns – hearing the commotion. Claggart holds out the knife.
Whose knife? Asks Seymour. Billy Budd’s replies Claggart. Seymour says ‘give it back to him’. A tense moment. Seymour indicates that Claggart said all is well – so all is well. Return to your positions.
Seymour leaves, after indicating he wants neither man to appear on the ship’s report. He orders both Kincaid and Billy to go below.
EXT. MID-SHIP DECK – NEXT DAY
Captain Vere commands Mr. Ratcliff to provide more sail. He shouts his orders to the men.
ACT IV
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – MOMENTS LATER
Claggart enters and accuses Billy of trying to kill him and start a mutiny.
The Captain is hesitant to believe this. He calls Billy into his quarters.
Billy listens to the accusations as they come directly from Claggart. Billy cannot believe it and beings to stutter. Then, suddenly, unable to speak, he hits Claggart squarely in the temple. Claggart falls, dead.
The Captain calls the ship’s doctor. On examination, he finds Claggart is indeed killed.
Claggart orders Billly taken below into custody and convenes a makeshift court marshall with himself, Ratcliff, Seymour, and NNNN.
At the end of their intense debate, the Captain argues to hang Billy. The others want acquittal.
They summon Danskar to bear witness as to whether Claggart bore malice toward Billy. He affirms it.
The Captain decides that he will hang Billy.
EXT. MID-SHIP – DAY
All of the men are assembled. None are sure what is about. Then it is revealed that Billy killed Claggart and will be hanged.
The men are beside themselves and it is difficult to maintain order. Vere and his men are barely able to hold the crew back.
Billy is brought out and hanged.
The men are distraught.
But just then, a French Ship appears unexpectedly and fires at the Avenger.
EXT. GUNS – DAY
The men take to the guns and begin to fire. The French Ship has the advantage of surprise and several volleys pierce the Avenger. The Captain is killed.
The Avenger, manages to fend off the attack, but not without substantial damage. Seymour takes command and they head toward the nearest friendly port.
EPILOGUE
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Don Thompson Transformational Events
What I learned from this assignment: Character evolution and transformation displays itself in the concrete actions of the characters.
These are the transitional elements:
• Billy lets go of ‘The Rights of Man’ (must be willing to embrace change)
• Billy fights and overcomes Jenkins (overcomes his fear of the new group)
• Billy proves himself to be a skilled sailor (overcomes not wanting to stand out)
• Billy is promoted by the Captain to lead maintopman (he shows his natural talent)
• Billy confides in Claggart and gets Claggart to confide in him (Billy reveals that he feels love for all people, even those cruel to him)
• Billy says ‘God Bless’ Captain Vere prior to his execution (he forgives his accusers)
Don Thompson – 4 Act Transformational Structure
Concept: The human need for freedom is always framed within the need for rulers and governments to maintain order.
Main Conflict: The good-hearted Billy Budd, the ‘peacemaker’, finds himself at odds with the cynical and self-serving Master of Arms Claggart, who must maintain order at all costs.
Old Ways: Rule by force maintains order and keeps the status quo social structure stable and functioning.
New Way: The sacrifice of the innocent in order to make the Old Ways happen reveals the weaknesses of rule by force and opens the imagination up to new ways of encouraging human freedom.
Act 1:
• Opening – Billy Budd is taken from ‘The Rights of Man’ as an impressment (forced recruit)
Event: Billy lets go of ‘The Rights of Man’ (must be willing to embrace change)
• Inciting Incident – Jenkins challenges Billy Budd to a fight
Event: Billy fights and overcomes Jenkins (overcomes his fear of the new group)
• Turning Point – Billy Budd saves Jenkins when he falls ill
Act 2:
• New plan – Billy Budd will try to impress Claggart and the Captain
Event: Billy proves himself to be a skilled sailor (overcomes not wanting to stand out)
• Plan in action – Billy gets promoted to chief maintopman
Event: Billy is promoted by the Captain to lead maintopman (he shows his natural talent)
• Midpoint Turning Point – Claggart decides he must defeat Billy Budd via deception
Act 3:
• Rethink everything – The status quo continues on the HMS ‘Avenger’
• New plan – Billy tries to befriend Claggart
Event: Billy confides in Claggart and gets Claggart to confide in him (he reveals that he feels love for all people)
• Turning Point – Unable to befriend Claggart, Billy retreats
Act 4:
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Claggart falsely accuses Billy of mutiny
• Resolution – Billy kills Claggart and is hanged by the Captain who decides he needs to abide by ‘the rule of law’ and not ‘what is correct under the circumstances’ (to acquit Billy)
Event: Billy says ‘God Bless’ Captain Vere prior to his execution (he forgives his accusers)
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Don Thompson – 4 Act Transformational Structure
Concept: The human need for freedom is always framed within the need for rulers and governments to maintain order.
Main Conflict: The good-hearted Billy Budd, the ‘peacemaker’, finds himself at odds with the cynical and self-serving Master of Arms Claggart, who must maintain order at all costs.
Old Ways: Rule by force maintains order and keeps the status quo social structure stable and functioning.
New Way: The sacrifice of the innocent in order to make the Old Ways happen reveals the weaknesses of rule by force and opens the imagination up to new ways of encouraging human freedom.
Act 1:
• Opening – Billy Budd is taken from ‘The Rights of Man’ as an impressment (forced recruit)
• Inciting Incident – Jenkins challenges Billy Budd to a fight
• Turning Point – Billy Budd saves Jenkins when he falls ill
Act 2:
• New plan – Billy Budd will try to impress Claggart and the Captain
• Plan in action – Billy gets promoted to chief maintopman
• Midpoint Turning Point – Claggart decides he must defeat Billy Budd via deception
Act 3:
• Rethink everything – The status quo continues on the HMS ‘Avenger’
• New plan – Billy tries to befriend Claggart
• Turning Point – Unable to befriend Claggart, Billy retreats
Act 4:
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict – Claggart falsely accuses Billy of mutiny
• Resolution – Billy kills Claggart and is hanged by the Captain who decides he needs to abide by ‘the rule of law’ and not ‘what is correct under the circumstances’ (to acquit Billy)
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Don Thompson – Character Interviews
What I learned from this assignment: I learned to be braver in how far I dig into a character’s psyche. This will make for fuller, more three-dimensional characters.
Protagonist Questions
1. Tell me about yourself. My name is Billy Budd and I’m a sailor.
2. Why do you think you were called to this journey? Why you? They grabbed me from ‘The Rights of Man’. They must have thought I looked like a hard worker.
3. You are up against Claggart. What is it about them that makes this journey even more difficult for you? I just want to get along with people. For some reason, people don’t always like this. I’m not sure why.
4. In order to survive or accomplish this, you are going to have to step way outside of your box. What changes do you expect to make and which of them will be the most difficult? I have to defend myself. I can’t just roll over and play dead all the time, or put on a smile. I have to stick up for myself or else no one else will.
5. What habits or ways of thinking do you think will be the most difficult to let go of? Being nice all the time. But then, I like being nice because it makes my day go easier.
6. What fears, insecurities, and wounds have held you back? I don’t like not knowing who my parents are. I wish I knew that. I would like to know how to read and write someday as well. I believe I’m smarter than people give me credit for.
7. What skills, background, or expertise makes you well-suited to face this conflict or antagonist? I’m a damn good sailor. I’m fit and up to the task. I can do the work of two men.
8. What are you hiding from the other characters? What don’t you want them to know? I sometimes pleasure myself at night in the dark. I try to be quiet about it. Sometimes I have dreams about having sex with all kinds of people – both men and women — or even things. Once I dreamt I went into the sun and relieved myself. It is all very odd. I wake up wondering about it all, and what to make of it. I would never tell anyone about this.
9. What do you think of Mr. Claggart? I feel sorry for him. I believe he hates himself. He seems to like me, but then he seems to hate me. I can’t figure him out.
10. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story. They called me ‘the peacemaker’ on the Rights of Man – the ship that Captain Vere drafted me from. That seems to be my natural talent – to make people feel good, to smile, and to want to get along. I like it when people sing and dance and get along. I don’t like them quarreling.
11. What does it do for your life is you succeed here? If I succeed, I will eventually not be a sailor. I will find work on the mainland. Maybe I will marry and have children. That is a far-off dream, though.
Antagonist Questions
1. Tell me about yourself. I am Master of Arms of the HMS Avenger.
2. Having to do with this journey, what are your strengths and weaknesses? My main weakness is that I let people get to me. I let them get to me and I can react in a way that might land me in jail. That’s why I came on this ship. I can do things here that if I did them on land I would be in jail. I understand I’m a dark bastard. I believe all people are, if they are honest. I am honest about it. People are dark, with dark motives. They want to survive, to live, and to beat the next man.
3. Why are you committed to making the Protagonist fail? Or for a relationship movie, why are you committed to making them change? Billy Budd lives in a fantasy world. He believes people are good. What a fool. People are not good – even the Bible tells us so. If they are not redeemed by a Savior, then they are certainly evil. I don’t like the Savior, frankly. He is weak. How can such a model be held up for people to follow? Such a weaking? I therefore worship strength.
4. What do you get out of winning this fight / succeeding in your plan / taking down your competition? I get a sense of pleasure when another is defeated. I love seeing others defeated by my doing, and I love waking them up to the futility of life. Life is futile. It is boorish, brutal, and over soon enough. The only respite from the suffering is the brief pleasures of the body. The pleasures of the soul – I don’t know about that, and I believe others are lying about it for their own gain (like priests). The priests, oh I love them. The ones that touch you when you’re a young lad, alone in the dark in confession, and get that funny look in their eye.
5. What drives you toward your mission / agenda, even in the face of danger, ruin, or death? I love to see defeat in man’s eye. That they fear me. If they fear me they also respect me. That is good – it shows that I have made myself the better.
6. What secrets must you keep to succeed? What other secrets do you keep out of fear / insecurity? I have never been with a woman, and never married. I have been with men. My priest taught me to distrust women, really, except maybe your mother. But my mother was not kind to me. Nor my father. They regretted the day I came into the world. But I accept it. I don’t believe it is abnormal to love a man, but of course I cannot admit it to anyone or they throw you in jail. The man I was with was the one person that I did truly love in my life. But he died of TB. The authorities accused me of killing him prematurely – and I did. I smothered him with a pillow to put him out of his misery. He was close to death. But the authorities would have locked me up, if the Navy didn’t need men. They gave me the option: jail or the Navy. I chose the Navy.
7. Compared to other people like you, what makes you special? I am a strong man. I can overcome damn near anything. But there is a darkness in me that is special. I would say that I’m a son of the devil, but I doubt sometimes even the devil would claim me. Perhaps this is self-hatred. But there is a certain pride and strength in it.
8. What do you think of ? Billy Budd is a fool. He is a fool and he cannot succeed because if he succeeds the world will most certain become a cesspool of weakness and sloth. Discipline redeems us – not the Savior. The Savior, as I said, is weak. It is discipline that gives us strength.
9. Tell me your side of this whole conflict / story. Billy Budd wants to see me fail. To fail and to wind up flogged, and keel hauled – he would love that. Keel hauled and dead. I’m certain of it
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Don Thompson, Character Profiles, Part 2
1. Type of role for Protagonist: Victim/Dreamer (Billy Budd) and Explorer (Captain Vere)
2. Type of role for Antagonist: Authority (Master of Arms Claggart)
3. Other roles necessary: supporting and background
4. Genre: Action-Drama
5. Main Characters (Billy Budd, Master of Arms Claggart, Captain Vere)
6. Timeframe: 1797
7. Location: HMS Avenger – Royal Navy
1. Billy Budd (Victim/Dreamer)
Age range and Description: 18
Internal Journey: Needs to find the best method of surviving and getting along with others.
External Journey: Needs to adjust to the new circumstances of work on the HMS ‘Avenger’ during
wartime.
Motivation: Harmony with his fellow shipmates.Wound: Is an illegitimate child who does not know who his parents are/or even his exact age.
Mission/Agenda: Create harmony among the crew.
Secret: He might have homosexual tendencies disguised as gentleness. He has a natural sexuality that exudes from him, arousing attraction from all kinds of people. This natural sensuality and good-naturedness is at the heart of what ends up torturing the conflicted Claggart into hating Billy.
What makes them special? Extremely good-natured – to a fault, you might say.
What draws us to this character: Their charm and good nature.
Traits: Trusting, good-natured, happy.
Subtext: Character expresses subtext through their facial expressions.
Flaw: Stammers when under pressure and cannot speak.
Values: Believes people should get along and tries to facilitate that.Irony: Has incredible natural athletic capability that allows him to defeat almost any man in a fight.
What makes this the right character for this role? In order to engender the feelings in the audience required for the themes to be expressed most powerfully, this is the correct person for this role.
2. Master of Arms Claggart (Authority)
Age range and Description: 45
Internal Journey: Is escaping some sort of trouble and joined the Navy as a result. It could have been that he is homosexual and was ostracized for this, or that he murdered a homosexual man with whom he had relations. No one is quite sure, but there are rumors.
External Journey: Needs control and authority.
Motivation: Creating a sense of fear in others gives him a sense of control and eases his inner suffering.
Wound: Suffered abuse as a child. Feeling of not fitting in.Mission/Agenda: Make others suffer so they will be on the same level as him: miserable and suffering. He has evolved into a tragic sadist.
Secret: Detests God and curses him under his breath. Prays to Dark Forces to give him strength.
What makes them special? He is extremely disciplined, driven to channel dark impulses and cruelty
into socially acceptable ways.What draws us to this character: Our distaste for this character makes him watchable as we cannot understand him and seek to know
what makes him behave the way he does.Traits: Cruel, cynical, calculating.
Subtext: The character expresses himself through the enjoyment of his cruelty. Underneath, there is pain as he feels hated and unable to escape from the hatred of society.
Flaw: Obsession – he becomes so obsessed with destroying a person that he also destroys himself.
Values: Survival, self-preservation, hatred of perceived weakness in others drive this character.
Irony: His obsessiveness creates a natural opening for his downfall.What makes this the right character for this role. In contrast to Billy Budd, Claggart is the perfect expression of Billy’s opposite.
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Don Thompson, Character Profiles, Part I
1. Type of role for Protagonist: Victim/Dreamer (Billy Budd) and Explorer (Captain Vere)
2. Type of role for Antagonist: Authority (Master of Arms Claggart)
3. Other roles necessary: supporting and background
4. Genre: Action-Drama
5. Main Characters (Billy Budd, Master of Arms Claggart, Captain Vere)
6. Timeframe: 1797
7. Location: HMS Avenger – Royal Navy
1. Billy Budd (Victim/Dreamer)
Age range and Description: 18
Internal Journey: Needs to find the best method of surviving and getting along with others.
External Journey: Needs to adjust to the new circumstances of work on the HMS ‘Avenger’ during wartime.
Motivation: Harmony with his fellow shipmates.
Wound: Is was born illegitimate and does not know who his parents are/or even his exact age.
Mission/Agenda: Create harmony among the crew.
Secret: He could have homosexual tendencies disguised as gentleness. Or, it could be that he arouses homosexual tendencies in others. This ambiguity is at the heart of what ends up torturing the conflicted Claggart into hating Billy.
What makes them special?
Extremely good-natured – to a fault, you might say.2. Master of Arms Claggart (Authority)
Age range and Description: 45
Internal Journey: Is escaping some sort of trouble at home and joined the Navy as a result. It could have been that he was involved in a homosexual relationship in the past, or that he murdered a homosexual man that he had relations with. No one is quite sure, but there are rumors.
External Journey: Needs control and authority.
Motivation: Creating a sense of fear in others gives him a sense of control and eases his inner suffering.
Wound: Suffered an abusive childhood.
Mission/Agenda: Make others suffer so they will be on the same level as him: miserable and suffering.
He is essentially a sadist.Secret: Detests God and curses him under his breath. Prays to Dark Forces to give him strength.
What makes them special? He is extremely disciplined, driven to channel his dark impulses and cruelty
into socially acceptable ways.3. Captain Vere (Explorer)
Age range and Description: 35
Internal Journey: Wants to fulfill his duty and continue the good name of his family.
External Journey: As an officer in the Navy he comes from a family of landed gentry near London and seeks
to fulfill his familial duties.Motivation: Perform his duties well.
Wound: Senses a tension between his morality and his duties.
Mission/Agenda: Whatever orders come his way, he will attempt to execute them regardless of the cost.
Secret: He is a pacifist at heart.
What makes them special? He is kind, even as he is externally extremely disciplined and ordered.
What I learned: I re-watched the 1962 version of Billy Budd and saw all kinds of sexual/spiritual (the two are ironically interwoven) subtext regarding the nature of the relationship between Claggart and Billy. None of this is mentioned in the standard write-ups. That said, some writers have delved into this homosexual tension and insist that Melville intended it (mostly lit crit types). When I saw the film as a young boy I was enthralled by it and found the story to be deeply moving. I always felt Billy was a Jesus-like character. Now that I am older, I find there is so much subtext to the film it is almost painful and it makes me understand why there hasn’t been a remake. This story is very raw in its depiction of human frailty. It is also accurate historically that there were homosexual relations on board ships of the era. (There were also people of African descent, but that is another topic — I will include African heritage people in this version of the story). The bottom line is that if this film can ever be done with more sensitivity and openness now is the time. I’m hopeful I can write a version of the script that is truer to Melville’s intentions and brings them more to the surface, yet at the same time preserves the narrative arc and taught action that makes it a classic. I want this film to be a tear-jerker and cathartic. I don’t want there to be a dry eye in the house when the credits roll.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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Don Thompson – Transformational Journey
The hero of this story is Edwin Vere, the captain of the Royal Navy warship ‘Avenger’ during the Napoleanic wars of the 1790s.
Captain Vere’s Inner Journey: he discovers that innocence can and still does exist in the world of human beings.
Captain Vere’s External Journey: he finds it impossible to be a moral human being and to serve King and Country at the same time. He was unaware of this fact before encountering the merchant seaman Billy Budd.
Old Ways:
-Accepting that human beings were for the most part fallible, morally frail, and easily manipulated.
New Ways:
-Accepting at least the possibility of human innocence and moral strength, although he (Vere) is still skeptical about its reality and whether or not the so-called ‘innocent’ are just fooling themselves and will always, eventually, join the lot of the ‘mature’ that are cynical and skeptical regarding human motives.
What I learned from this exercise: At first I believed my hero might be the central character of Billy Budd (after whom the story is named). After some thought, I realized that Captain Vere is the hero as he is the person who goes through the transformational journey. It is the merchant seaman Billy Budd, along with Master of Arms Claggart, who are the catalysts of that transformation, and, in a sense, both antagonists in the story.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by
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1. Don Thompson
2. At least 10.
3. A disciplined approach to writing a screenplay quickly.
4. I have met the Dalai Lama.
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Don Thompson
I agree to the terms of this release form.
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Critique Scene – QE #6 – Don Thompson
QE # 6 – REWRITE:
LOGLINE: CARLEY and MARCUS are on their honeymoon in Hawaii and play cat and mouse until they each realize what they really want: each other. During this process, they become rich, in a matter of speaking.
Note: I have completely rewritten this scene from the first version. Also note this scene is posted in #27 as well, thanks!
ESSENCE: Money isn’t everything, but it definitely helps.
The scene takes place in a beautiful condo on Maui.
CARLEY (30), attractive and very pretty, but somewhat world-weary, is on the balcony of the condo looking out over the ocean and the beautiful scenery.
MARCUS (35) is on the couch watching TV. He is handsome but almost too much so — to the point of having a baby face. He watches the US Open tennis match.
MARCUS (stands up): Jesus! Look at that!
He turns to Carley.
MARCUS: Honey, you can’t believe what Djokovic did to Nadal with his backhand!
Note: he pronounces Djokovic as ‘Joke-a-vich’.
CARLEY turns around.
CARLEY: Come out here and look at this view! You don’t know what you’re missing!
Marcus sits down in front of the TV again.
MARCUS: This is the US Open – I got some money on this on a pool at work. It’s important, honey!
CARLEY: It’s our honeymoon you shit head!
Marcus falls silent. Then he shuts the TV off and walks out to the deck, joining Carley.
He comes up behind her and holds her.
MARCUS: I’m sorry.
CARLEY: No, I’m sorry.
MARCUS: No, I’m more sorry. Would you stop arguing with me, please? You don’t need to be sorry.
CARLEY: OK. I’m sorry for being sorry.
Silence, then they both LAUGH loudly.
Beat.
CARLEY: Jow·kuh·vuhch
MARCUS: What?
CARLEY: His name is pronounced Jow-kuh-vuhch.
MARCUS: Joke-a-vich, Jow-kuh-vuhch. I don’t like him. But, if he wins I win the office pool.
Carley then points to the ocean.
CARLEY: Look, a whale!
Marcus looks.
MARCUS: That is not a whale. That is a boat.
CARLEY: No, next to the boat!
MARCUS: I like the boat better. I can imagine us on one, actually. When we get rich. I have a plan.
CARLEY: I’m listening.
MARCUS: Crypto. We invest the money your parents gave us in crypto.
Beat.
CARLEY: We are not throwing my parent’s hard-earned money into crypto, honey. I love my parents much too much to be so disrespectful.
MARCUS. Who says you have to tell them?
Suddenly there is a KNOCK on the door.
Marcus looks to Carley:
MARCUS: Who the hell could that be?
Carley shrugs.
MARCUS: Let me get it.
CARLEY: Tell them that we’re on our honeymoon and to go straight to hell.
Marcus walks to the door and answers. There are TWO OFFICIALS from the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes, holding a large poster.
MARCUS: Yes?
OFFICIAL ONE: My name is Tom Swenson, and I represent the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes. We are happy to inform you have just won fifty million dollars for life!
Silence.
MARCUS: Are you sure?
OFFICIAL TWO: We are sure!
MARCUS: I mean… hold on! Don’t move!
He shuts the door and rushes to Carley.
MARCUS: Carley, honey, sit down.
CARLEY: What’s wrong.
MARCUS: Just sit down.
He speaks almost in a WHISPER.
MARCUS: Did you… sign up for the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes?
CARLEY: No.
MARCUS: Neither did I. There are two people out there that claim that we won the sweepstakes for fifty million dollars.
Carley holds her hands to her mouth, almost SCREAMING.
MARCUS: Shhh…. Shhh!
She calms down.
MARCUS: We’re gonna both go back to the door, hand in hand, and accept the money. We won’t ask any questions, we won’t say that we didn’t register. We just accept the money – got it?
CARLEY shakes her head ‘no’.
CARLEY: That’s not honest. It’s not fair if we didn’t really win it.
Marcus frowns.
MARCUS: Honey… I love you. But shut the fuck up when we talk to them at the door. Come on.
Just before opening the door, he turns to her
MARCUS: I’m sorry I said to shut up.
CARLEY (nodding). It’s OK, I can take it. But if you speak to me that way again I’m divorcing you in what will be the shortest marriage in California this year.
Marcus nods.
Marcus opens the door. The two OFFICIALS are still standing there.
MARCUS (smiling): Hi folks. This is my wife, Carley. Please explain to her who you are.
OFFICIAL TWO: We are from Publisher’s Clearing House, and you’ve won fifty million dollars!
Carley then SCREAMS.
CARLEY: How did you find us? We’re on our honeymoon!
OFFICIAL ONE: We make sure to track down all contestants wherever they may be in the world. You could be in Antarctica, and we’d find you!
The OFFICIAL then holds up a mock-up of a check for fifty million dollars. The name on the check is clearly written: ‘Mr. and Mrs. Simon Djokovic’
OFFICIAL TWO: Mr. and Mrs. Djokovic (he pronounces it correctly) – let’s please take a photo together!
Marcus and Carley look at each other.
MARCUS (to the officials): Wait right here, don’t move!
He shuts the door and he and Carley sit down and speak to each other, almost in WHISPERS.
CARLEY: That isn’t us, obviously.
MARCUS: It is definitely God punishing me for making fun of Joke-a-vich’s last name.
CARLEY: Well, let’s tell them it isn’t us. End of story.
Marcus is thinking.
MARCUS: Maybe I can get a fake ID. Maybe I can change my name.
CARLEY: Right now?… I don’t think so!
Marcus ponders some more, then takes on a more resigned demeanor.
MARCUS: OK, let’s tell them it’s not us. Maybe they’ll take pity on us because it’s our honeymoon and give us the money anyway.
Marcus and Carley go to the door and open it.
MARCUS (to the officials): Ah… we’re really sorry. We are not Mr. and Mrs. Joke-a-vich.
OFFICIAL ONE: You’re not?
CARLEY: We’re not. Our last name is Johnson. Well, mine is. She’s keeping her maiden name.
OFFICIAL TWO: You’re not Mr. and Mrs. Simon Djokovic?
MARCUS: No. But… if you can’t find them and need to give the money to somebody we can certainly take the money. I mean, we need it. We’re newlyweds. Just getting started.
Beat, the Officials consider. Marcus continues.
MARCUS: Constantly scratching around for the next little morsel of cash so we can put food on the table.
The two officials look at each other.
OFFICIAL TWO: We can’t really do that. We have the winners to consider.
CARLEY: That’s what I suggest: consider the winners.
Marcus frowns at Carley.
OFFICIAL ONE: Wow, this is the first mistake in our fifty-year history of giving out prizes!
CARLEY: Maybe they’re next door. Or maybe they booked this condo but changed their itinerary. We got this one just a couple of days ago as an upgrade.
The Officials look at each other in disbelief.
OFFICIAL ONE: Well, thank you. And thank you for being honest.
MARCUS: No problem…. But again, if you can’t find Joke-a-vich we volunteer to take the money for them. It’ll mean we don’t need to invest in crypto as we planned.
OFFICIAL TWO: Sure thing. And that would be Jow-kuh-vuhch.
OFFICIAL ONE: Yes, Simon Jow-kuh-vuhch.
Both Officials smile and leave.
Marcus shuts the door.
They stand, looking at each other.
CARLEY: Money is highly overrated. Love is really more important. Caring for each other is the most important.
MARCUS: I agree. I will never find anybody else like you. I’m in for the long haul.
They hug and kiss deeply.
Marcus pulls away, but still hugs her.
MARCUS: I love you so much.
CARLEY: I love you too.
Beat.
MARCUS: Man, I do wish my name was Joke-a-vich.
END OF SCENE
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QE # 6 – REWRITE:
LOGLINE: CARLEY and MARCUS are on their honeymoon in Hawaii and play cat and mouse until they each realize what they really want: each other. During this process, they become rich, in a matter of speaking.
Note: I have completely rewritten this scene from the first version. This scene is also posted in #28.
ESSENCE: Money isn’t everything, but it definitely helps.
The scene takes place in a beautiful condo on Maui.
CARLEY (30), attractive and very pretty, but somewhat world-weary, is on the balcony of the condo looking out over the ocean and the beautiful scenery.
MARCUS (35) is on the couch watching TV. He is handsome but almost too much so — to the point of having a baby face. He watches the US Open tennis match.
MARCUS (stands up): Jesus! Look at that!
He turns to Carley.
MARCUS: Honey, you can’t believe what Djokovic did to Nadal with his backhand!
Note: he pronounces Djokovic as ‘Joke-a-vich’.
CARLEY turns around.
CARLEY: Come out here and look at this view! You don’t know what you’re missing!
Marcus sits down in front of the TV again.
MARCUS: This is the US Open – I got some money on this on a pool at work. It’s important, honey!
CARLEY: It’s our honeymoon you shit head!
Marcus falls silent. Then he shuts the TV off and walks out to the deck, joining Carley.
He comes up behind her and holds her.
MARCUS: I’m sorry.
CARLEY: No, I’m sorry.
MARCUS: No, I’m more sorry. Would you stop arguing with me, please? You don’t need to be sorry.
CARLEY: OK. I’m sorry for being sorry.
Silence, then they both LAUGH loudly.
Beat.
CARLEY: Jow·kuh·vuhch
MARCUS: What?
CARLEY: His name is pronounced Jow-kuh-vuhch.
MARCUS: Joke-a-vich, Jow-kuh-vuhch. I don’t like him. But, if he wins I win the office pool.
Carley then points to the ocean.
CARLEY: Look, a whale!
Marcus looks.
MARCUS: That is not a whale. That is a boat.
CARLEY: No, next to the boat!
MARCUS: I like the boat better. I can imagine us on one, actually. When we get rich. I have a plan.
CARLEY: I’m listening.
MARCUS: Crypto. We invest the money your parents gave us in crypto.
Beat.
CARLEY: We are not throwing my parent’s hard-earned money into crypto, honey. I love my parents much too much to be so disrespectful.
MARCUS. Who says you have to tell them?
Suddenly there is a KNOCK on the door.
Marcus looks to Carley:
MARCUS: Who the hell could that be?
Carley shrugs.
MARCUS: Let me get it.
CARLEY: Tell them that we’re on our honeymoon and to go straight to hell.
Marcus walks to the door and answers. There are TWO OFFICIALS from the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes, holding a large poster.
MARCUS: Yes?
OFFICIAL ONE: My name is Tom Swenson, and I represent the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes. We are happy to inform you have just won fifty million dollars for life!
Silence.
MARCUS: Are you sure?
OFFICIAL TWO: We are sure!
MARCUS: I mean… hold on! Don’t move!
He shuts the door and rushes to Carley.
MARCUS: Carley, honey, sit down.
CARLEY: What’s wrong.
MARCUS: Just sit down.
He speaks almost in a WHISPER.
MARCUS: Did you… sign up for the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes?
CARLEY: No.
MARCUS: Neither did I. There are two people out there that claim that we won the sweepstakes for fifty million dollars.
Carley holds her hands to her mouth, almost SCREAMING.
MARCUS: Shhh…. Shhh!
She calms down.
MARCUS: We’re gonna both go back to the door, hand in hand, and accept the money. We won’t ask any questions, we won’t say that we didn’t register. We just accept the money – got it?
CARLEY shakes her head ‘no’.
CARLEY: That’s not honest. It’s not fair if we didn’t really win it.
Marcus frowns.
MARCUS: Honey… I love you. But shut the fuck up when we talk to them at the door. Come on.
Just before opening the door, he turns to her
MARCUS: I’m sorry I said to shut up.
CARLEY (nodding). It’s OK, I can take it. But if you speak to me that way again I’m divorcing you in what will be the shortest marriage in California this year.
Marcus nods.
Marcus opens the door. The two OFFICIALS are still standing there.
MARCUS (smiling): Hi folks. This is my wife, Carley. Please explain to her who you are.
OFFICIAL TWO: We are from Publisher’s Clearing House, and you’ve won fifty million dollars!
Carley then SCREAMS.
CARLEY: How did you find us? We’re on our honeymoon!
OFFICIAL ONE: We make sure to track down all contestants wherever they may be in the world. You could be in Antarctica, and we’d find you!
The OFFICIAL then holds up a mock-up of a check for fifty million dollars. The name on the check is clearly written: ‘Mr. and Mrs. Simon Djokovic’
OFFICIAL TWO: Mr. and Mrs. Djokovic (he pronounces it correctly) – let’s please take a photo together!
Marcus and Carley look at each other.
MARCUS (to the officials): Wait right here, don’t move!
He shuts the door and he and Carley sit down and speak to each other, almost in WHISPERS.
CARLEY: That isn’t us, obviously.
MARCUS: It is definitely God punishing me for making fun of Joke-a-vich’s last name.
CARLEY: Well, let’s tell them it isn’t us. End of story.
Marcus is thinking.
MARCUS: Maybe I can get a fake ID. Maybe I can change my name.
CARLEY: Right now?… I don’t think so!
Marcus ponders some more, then takes on a more resigned demeanor.
MARCUS: OK, let’s tell them it’s not us. Maybe they’ll take pity on us because it’s our honeymoon and give us the money anyway.
Marcus and Carley go to the door and open it.
MARCUS (to the officials): Ah… we’re really sorry. We are not Mr. and Mrs. Joke-a-vich.
OFFICIAL ONE: You’re not?
CARLEY: We’re not. Our last name is Johnson. Well, mine is. She’s keeping her maiden name.
OFFICIAL TWO: You’re not Mr. and Mrs. Simon Djokovic?
MARCUS: No. But… if you can’t find them and need to give the money to somebody we can certainly take the money. I mean, we need it. We’re newlyweds. Just getting started.
Beat, the Officials consider. Marcus continues.
MARCUS: Constantly scratching around for the next little morsel of cash so we can put food on the table.
The two officials look at each other.
OFFICIAL TWO: We can’t really do that. We have the winners to consider.
CARLEY: That’s what I suggest: consider the winners.
Marcus frowns at Carley.
OFFICIAL ONE: Wow, this is the first mistake in our fifty-year history of giving out prizes!
CARLEY: Maybe they’re next door. Or maybe they booked this condo but changed their itinerary. We got this one just a couple of days ago as an upgrade.
The Officials look at each other in disbelief.
OFFICIAL ONE: Well, thank you. And thank you for being honest.
MARCUS: No problem…. But again, if you can’t find Joke-a-vich we volunteer to take the money for them. It’ll mean we don’t need to invest in crypto as we planned.
OFFICIAL TWO: Sure thing. And that would be Jow-kuh-vuhch.
OFFICIAL ONE: Yes, Simon Jow-kuh-vuhch.
Both Officials smile and leave.
Marcus shuts the door.
They stand, looking at each other.
CARLEY: Money is highly overrated. Love is really more important. Caring for each other is the most important.
MARCUS: I agree. I will never find anybody else like you. I’m in for the long haul.
They hug and kiss deeply.
Marcus pulls away, but still hugs her.
MARCUS: I love you so much.
CARLEY: I love you too.
Beat.
MARCUS: Man, I do wish my name was Joke-a-vich.
END OF SCENE
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QE # 6 – first draft:
LOGLINE: CARLEY and MARCUS play cat and mouse until they each realize what they really want.
ESSENCE: Foreplay can be problematic while watching your favorite TV show.
CARLEY (30), attractive but somewhat world-weary, is on the couch with MARCUS (35), handsome but almost too much so — to the point of having a babyface.
They are watching THE QUEEN on television in their smallish apartment.
CARLEY: She is such a bitch!
MARCUS: She is not a bitch. She is the Queen.
CARLEY: The Queen can be a bitch and the Queen at the same time, believe me. This show proves it.
She turns off the show with the clicker.
MARCUS: Hey, I want to watch it!
CARLEY: Say please.
MARCUS: Please.
She turns the show back on. Sets, the clicker on the coffee table, and walks to the kitchen. Marcus watches the TV.
CARLEY: Would you like a glass of wine?
MARCUS: I’ll take a scotch instead.
Carley, in the kitchen, retrieves some scotch from the cabinet.
CARLEY: Scotch it is.
She pours the scotch and pours herself a glass of red wine from a bottle she retrieves from the fridge.
She walks back to the living room and hands Marcus the scotch.
CARLEY: You know, you can be sort of bossy… just FYI.
She sits.
Marcus turns to her.
MARCUS: And what made you bring that up?
CARLEY: The Queen is bossy, and you’re bossy.
MARCUS: You said the Queen is a bitch.
CARLEY: The Queen is a bossy bitch.
Beat.
CARLEY (points to TV): Hey look at that!
MARCUS: What?
CARLEY: Her dress is on backward!
MARCUS: Her dress is not on backward – that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
CARLEY: Oh.
They watch for a few moments in silence…
She grabs the clicker and turns the show off again.
MARCUS (angry): Goddammit I said I wanted to watch it!
CARLEY: Well I don’t want to watch it!
Beat.
MARCUS: May I please watch it?
CARLEY: Yes. But only after we do it. Together.
Beat.
Marcus looks at her.
CARLEY: The dishes.
They both BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.
MARCUS: I’m sorry I yelled.
He sips his scotch, looks at her.
MARCUS: You know you are really sexy. Particularly in smelly old jeans.
CARLEY: They aren’t smelly!
Beat.
CARLEY: Well, maybe a little. I planted some flowers today in the common area. It’s the fertilizer.
MARCUS: Really?
CARLEY: I’m going to grow some roses and take them to the hospital and give them to sick people.
MARCUS: Well isn’t that nice! Why don’t you ever do anything like that for me?
CARLEY: Because you’re too bossy. Be less bossy and I’ll give you some flowers…
She smiles. He moves closer to her.
MARCUS: Well how about just one flower?
CARLEY: Just one?
MARCUS: You give me that special, one flower, and I won’t be so bossy anymore.
CARLEY: What do I get for it?
He suddenly grabs the TV clicker from her and turns back on the TV.
MARCUS: You get to watch the end of the Queen with me!
He holds onto the clicker, and she tries to grab it from him.
CARLEY: Give me that goddamn clicker!
He puts the clicker in his pants pocket.
She looks at it.
CARLEY: Is that a clicker or are you happy to see me?
They both BURST OUT LAUGHING again.
Beat. They look at each other intently.
Marcus takes the clicker out of his pocket and clicks OFF the TV.
MARCUS: Come here.
She scoots in close to him.
MARCUS: Lay it on me.
CARLEY: Oh, I love it when you’re bossy.
MARCUS: I know.
They kiss.
END OF SCENE
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Don Thompson – QE #5 – REWRITE OF PREVIOUS SCENE
(also posted in #25)
Logline: It’s 1970, and a prostitute and her pimp are raided by the New York City police only to reveal that corruption and betrayal exist on many levels.
Essence: There is often no moral core in modern society.
Inside a dingy New York City apartment in Queens, BRANDY (25) sits on a couch and watches television while smoking a cigarette. In the kitchen, PHILLIP (30) looks at a drawer with a large baggy of cocaine. Phillip closes the drawer and SHOUTS to Brandy.
PHILLIP: Do you love me?
BRANDY: Sort of.
PHILLIP: Do you need me?
BRANDY: Always.
PHILLIP: I deserve to be both loved and needed. In fact, you owe me for that.
Brandy looks his way and squashes her cigarette in an ashtray. Then she gets up and switches the TV channel.
Then she turns to him and converses with him while still watching the TV.
BRANDY: You’re so full of shit. You’re the one that owes me! Like about five thousand dollars!
She returns to the chair and sits. On the TV plays JEOPARDY.
PHILLIP: How can you watch that garbage?
BRANDY: How can you not love Jeopardy? It’s so educational. Watch this show for six months and you’ll have a Ph.D.
PHILLIP: Sure thing, doc. I’ll sign up for your first class at NYU!
BRANDY: Don’t put it beyond me. I’m smarter than you think. I might just go back to college and become a professor. I have an IQ of 145.
PHILLIP: According to who?
BRANDY: According to the Stanford-Binet Intelligence Scale.
PHILLIP: And what the hell is that?
BRANDY: If you were smart you would know.
Beat. Brandy turns off the TV and speaks to Phillip.
BRANDY: I’m sorry, come on over and sit with me.
PHILLIP: Only if you treat me good.
BRANDY: I’ll treat you better than good.
Phillip walks over to the couch and sits. He turns to her, they hold each other.
PHILLIP: Do you need me?
BRANDY: I said I need you.
PHILLIP: Do you love me?
BRANDY: I love you to the moon.
PHILLIP: Do I deserve it?
BRANDY: Maybe.
They kiss.
PHILLIP: I deserve the world. You know that. I know that. Anyone that treats you with such respect deserves the world.
BRANDY: I’d be happier if you paid me my five thousand dollars on time.
Phillip looks down with a sense of shame, gets up from the couch, strolls back to the kitchen, turns toward her.
PHILLIP (with some regret): Ok, I’m sorry about that, honey, really. But I have my reasons for managing your money.
BRANDY: Yeah, because you’re a control freak and an asshole.
PHILLIP: Yes – but I am also the only pimp in New York that says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
Just then there is a LOUD KNOCK on the door. TWO POLICE OFFICERS (35, 40) stand outside the door to the apartment.
POLICE: Ok, open up! NYPD at your service!
Phillip jumps up and runs to the door.
PHILLIP: Let me handle this.
Phillip goes to the door and opens it. Brandy retreats to the kitchen and lights a cigarette.
PHILLIP: How may I help you, officers?
OFFICER ONE: Let us in.
PHILLIP: Do you have a warrant?
OFFICER TWO: We don’t need a warrant.
The two officers enter the apartment. Brandy looks on.
BRANDY: He’s innocent!
PHILLIP: And so is she!
OFFICER ONE: I’m sure you both are — you’re the picture of innocence!
PHILLIP: Just because I look guilty doesn’t mean I am guilty.
The two officers move around the apartment and start rummaging.
Phillip has moved to the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer in the kitchen where the cocaine is.
Officer Two approaches him.
OFFICER TWO: Step aside, please.
PHILLIP: Show me your warrant, please.
Officer One steps behind Officer Two. They both look at Phillip in an intimidating way.
OFFICER ONE: You’re a pimp and we’ve been receiving a lot of complaints about you and the girlie from the neighbors.
PHILLIP: Ah… don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I’m a businessman. I run a reputable business. (looks to Brandy) Don’t I, honey?
BRANDY: He is the most reputable man I know other than my father!
OFFICER TWO: That’s rich. And who’s your father?
BRANDY: He owns a bank. And he is rich, actually.
Beat. Both of the cops look at each other and smile.
Both officers open and close cabinets in the kitchen, looking for something.
OFFICER ONE (to Phillip): Where is it?
PHILLIP: What?
OFFICER ONE: The stash.
PHILLIP: How much do you want?
OFFICER TWO: What do you mean?
PHILLIP: I mean, we’ll give you part of the stash, and we’ll call it even. You can go about your business. Sell it to your neighbors.
BRANDY: There is no stash!
OFFICER ONE (to Brandy): Sit down honey. Keep your mouth shut and you’ll get out of this without any issues.
Brandy sits on the couch.
OFFICER TWO: Let me look in that drawer.
PHILLIP: Again, with all due respect, officer, you don’t have a warrant.
Officer One grabs Phillip and shoves him aside. Officer Two opens the drawer. He grabs the bag of cocaine and holds it up.
OFFICER TWO: Wow. Quite a little find here!
PHILLIP: I didn’t know that was here, honest! I’m a reputable businessman!
BRANDY: He’s telling the truth!
Officer One turns Phillip around and handcuffs him.
OFFICER ONE: Come on, let’s go.
Officer one walks Phillip out of the apartment.
PHILLIP (to Brandy): I’ll be back in an hour.
BRANDY: Don’t hurt him!
Officer One leads Phillip outside.
Officer two stays behind and turns to Brandy.
OFFICER TWO: You Ok honey?
BRANDY: I’m fine.
OFFICER TWO: You did good.
Officer two reaches into his pocket and grabs an envelope full of cash, handing it to Brandy.
OFFICER TWO: It’s your first step toward independence.
BRANDY: Will I see you later?
OFFICER TWO: Absolutely. Tomorrow at the time we set up.
Officer Two puts his hand up to Brandy’s cheek.
OFFICER TWO: You did good.
BRANDY: Sure.
Officer two leaves.
BRANDY: Don’t sell it all at once.
OFFICER TWO: I’m not selling it. The boys love a good high. Makes the night shift easier.
Brandy nods.
Officer Two leaves.
Outside, Officer One has put Phillip in the back of their squad car. Once Officer Two is in the car, he turns to Phillip, takes a notebook from Phillip’s pocket.
Officer two looks through the notebook, focuses on one of the pages, and photographs it.
OFFICER TWO (to Phillip): You did good.
OFFICER ONE: She’s got an appointment later with one of her Daddy’s friends.
PHILLIP: The politician dude…
OFFICER TWO: The mayoral candidate.
Officer reaches to Phillip, uncuffs him.
OFFICER ONE: We’ll let you off at the station. Once we get this asshole cuffed tonight, and the Times is informed and splashes it all over the headlines, your job is done.
PHILLIP: And what about her?
OFFICER TWO: She’ll get six months, max. Then we’ll get her in the hands of a good shrink – which is what her father wants. She really shouldn’t be on the street. She comes from a good family. She’s a little screwy in the head. Maybe seeking publicity in a weird way. She’s sure gonna get it.
PHILLIP: Yeah, sure.
The squad car drives off.
END OF SCENE
-
Don Thompson – QE #5 – REWRITE OF PREVIOUS SCENE
Logline: It’s 1970, and a prostitute and her pimp are raided by the New York City police only to reveal that corruption and betrayal exist on many levels.
Essence: There is often no moral core in modern society.
Inside a dingy New York City apartment in Queens, BRANDY (25) sits on a couch and watches television while smoking a cigarette. In the kitchen, PHILLIP (30) looks at a drawer with a large baggy of cocaine. Phillip closes the drawer and SHOUTS to Brandy.
PHILLIP: Do you love me?
BRANDY: Sort of.
PHILLIP: Do you need me?
BRANDY: Always.
PHILLIP: I deserve to be both loved and needed. In fact, you owe me for that.
Brandy looks his way and squashes her cigarette in an ashtray. Then she gets up and switches the TV channel.
Then she turns to him and converses with him while still watching the TV.
BRANDY: You’re so full of shit. You’re the one that owes me! Like about five thousand dollars!
She returns to the chair and sits. On the TV plays JEOPARDY.
PHILLIP: How can you watch that garbage?
BRANDY: How can you not love Jeopardy? It’s so educational. Watch this show for six months and you’ll have a Ph.D.
PHILLIP: Sure thing, doc. I’ll sign up for your first class at NYU!
BRANDY: Don’t put it beyond me. I’m smarter than you think. I might just go back to college and become a professor. I have an IQ of 145.
PHILLIP: According to who?
BRANDY: According to the Stanford-Binet Intelligence Scale.
PHILLIP: And what the hell is that?
BRANDY: If you were smart you would know.
Beat. Brandy turns off the TV and speaks to Phillip.
BRANDY: I’m sorry, come on over and sit with me.
PHILLIP: Only if you treat me good.
BRANDY: I’ll treat you better than good.
Phillip walks over to the couch and sits. He turns to her, they hold each other.
PHILLIP: Do you need me?
BRANDY: I said I need you.
PHILLIP: Do you love me?
BRANDY: I love you to the moon.
PHILLIP: Do I deserve it?
BRANDY: Maybe.
They kiss.
PHILLIP: I deserve the world. You know that. I know that. Anyone that treats you with such respect deserves the world.
BRANDY: I’d be happier if you paid me my five thousand dollars on time.
Phillip looks down with a sense of shame, gets up from the couch, strolls back to the kitchen, turns toward her.
PHILLIP (with some regret): Ok, I’m sorry about that, honey, really. But I have my reasons for managing your money.
BRANDY: Yeah, because you’re a control freak and an asshole.
PHILLIP: Yes – but I am also the only pimp in New York that says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
Just then there is a LOUD KNOCK on the door. TWO POLICE OFFICERS (35, 40) stand outside the door to the apartment.
POLICE: Ok, open up! NYPD at your service!
Phillip jumps up and runs to the door.
PHILLIP: Let me handle this.
Phillip goes to the door and opens it. Brandy retreats to the kitchen and lights a cigarette.
PHILLIP: How may I help you, officers?
OFFICER ONE: Let us in.
PHILLIP: Do you have a warrant?
OFFICER TWO: We don’t need a warrant.
The two officers enter the apartment. Brandy looks on.
BRANDY: He’s innocent!
PHILLIP: And so is she!
OFFICER ONE: I’m sure you both are — you’re the picture of innocence!
PHILLIP: Just because I look guilty doesn’t mean I am guilty.
The two officers move around the apartment and start rummaging.
Phillip has moved to the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer in the kitchen where the cocaine is.
Officer Two approaches him.
OFFICER TWO: Step aside, please.
PHILLIP: Show me your warrant, please.
Officer One steps behind Officer Two. They both look at Phillip in an intimidating way.
OFFICER ONE: You’re a pimp and we’ve been receiving a lot of complaints about you and the girlie from the neighbors.
PHILLIP: Ah… don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I’m a businessman. I run a reputable business. (looks to Brandy) Don’t I, honey?
BRANDY: He is the most reputable man I know other than my father!
OFFICER TWO: That’s rich. And who’s your father?
BRANDY: He owns a bank. And he is rich, actually.
Beat. Both of the cops look at each other and smile.
Both officers open and close cabinets in the kitchen, looking for something.
OFFICER ONE (to Phillip): Where is it?
PHILLIP: What?
OFFICER ONE: The stash.
PHILLIP: How much do you want?
OFFICER TWO: What do you mean?
PHILLIP: I mean, we’ll give you part of the stash, and we’ll call it even. You can go about your business. Sell it to your neighbors.
BRANDY: There is no stash!
OFFICER ONE (to Brandy): Sit down honey. Keep your mouth shut and you’ll get out of this without any issues.
Brandy sits on the couch.
OFFICER TWO: Let me look in that drawer.
PHILLIP: Again, with all due respect, officer, you don’t have a warrant.
Officer One grabs Phillip and shoves him aside. Officer Two opens the drawer. He grabs the bag of cocaine and holds it up.
OFFICER TWO: Wow. Quite a little find here!
PHILLIP: I didn’t know that was here, honest! I’m a reputable businessman!
BRANDY: He’s telling the truth!
Officer One turns Phillip around and handcuffs him.
OFFICER ONE: Come on, let’s go.
Officer one walks Phillip out of the apartment.
PHILLIP (to Brandy): I’ll be back in an hour.
BRANDY: Don’t hurt him!
Officer One leads Phillip outside.
Officer two stays behind and turns to Brandy.
OFFICER TWO: You Ok honey?
BRANDY: I’m fine.
OFFICER TWO: You did good.
Officer two reaches into his pocket and grabs an envelope full of cash, handing it to Brandy.
OFFICER TWO: It’s your first step toward independence.
BRANDY: Will I see you later?
OFFICER TWO: Absolutely. Tomorrow at the time we set up.
Officer Two puts his hand up to Brandy’s cheek.
OFFICER TWO: You did good.
BRANDY: Sure.
Officer two leaves.
BRANDY: Don’t sell it all at once.
OFFICER TWO: I’m not selling it. The boys love a good high. Makes the night shift easier.
Brandy nods.
Officer Two leaves.
Outside, Officer One has put Phillip in the back of their squad car. Once Officer Two is in the car, he turns to Phillip, takes a notebook from Phillip’s pocket.
Officer two looks through the notebook, focuses on one of the pages, and photographs it.
OFFICER TWO (to Phillip): You did good.
OFFICER ONE: She’s got an appointment later with one of her Daddy’s friends.
PHILLIP: The politician dude…
OFFICER TWO: The mayoral candidate.
Officer reaches to Phillip, uncuffs him.
OFFICER ONE: We’ll let you off at the station. Once we get this asshole cuffed tonight, and the Times is informed and splashes it all over the headlines, your job is done.
PHILLIP: And what about her?
OFFICER TWO: She’ll get six months, max. Then we’ll get her in the hands of a good shrink – which is what her father wants. She really shouldn’t be on the street. She comes from a good family. She’s a little screwy in the head. Maybe seeking publicity in a weird way. She’s sure gonna get it.
PHILLIP: Yeah, sure.
The squad car drives off.
END OF SCENE
-
Don Thompson – QE #5
Logline: It’s 1970, and a prostitute and her pimp are raided by New York City police only to find the pimp arrested and the prostitute unexpectedly set free for reasons that later reveal just how deep corruption, and betrayal, can go.
Essence: the corrupted know no limits.
Inside a dingy New York City apartment in Queens, BRANDY (25) sits on a couch and watches television while smoking a cigarette. In the kitchen, PHILLIP (30) looks at a drawer with a baggy of cocaine. Phillip closes the drawer and SHOUTS to Brandy.
PHILLIP: Do you love me?
Brandy looks his way and squashes her cigarette in an ashtray. Then she gets up and switches the TV channel.
Then she turns to him.
BRANDY: I’ll love you when you make good on the money you owe me.
She returns to the chair and sits. On the TV plays JEOPARDY.
PHILLIP: How can you watch that shit?
BRANDY: How can you not love Jeopardy? It’s so educational. Watch this show for six months and you’ll have a Ph.D.
PHILLIP: Sure thing, doc. I’ll sign up for your first class at NYU!
BRANDY: Don’t put it beyond me. I’m smarter than you think.
Beat.
BRANDY: I’m sorry, come on over and sit with me.
Phillip walks over to the couch and sits. He turns to her.
PHILLIP: Do you need me?
BRANDY: I need you.
PHILLIP: Do you love me?
BRANDY: I love you to the moon.
PHILLIP: Do I deserve it?
BRANDY: Sometimes.
PHILLIP: I deserve the world. You know that. I know that. Anyone that treats you with such respect deserves the world.
BRANDY: I’d be happier if you paid me on time.
Phillip looks down, gets up from the chair, strolls back to the kitchen, turns toward her.
PHILLIP (with a sense of guilt): Ok, I’m sorry about that, honey, really. But I have my reasons for managing your money.
BRANDY: Yeah, because you’re a control freak and an asshole, even if a polite one.
Just then there is a LOUD KNOCK on the door. TWO POLICE OFFICERS (35, 40) stand outside the door to the apartment.
POLICE: Ok, open up! NYPD at your service!
Phillip jumps up and runs to the door.
PHILLIP: Let me handle this.
Phillip goes to the door and opens it. Brandy retreats to the kitchen and lights a cigarette.
PHILLIP: How may I help you, officers?
OFFICER ONE: Let us in.
PHILLIP: Do you have a warrant?
OFFICER TWO: We don’t need a warrant.
The two officers enter the apartment. Brandy looks on.
BRANDY: He’s innocent!
PHILLIP: And so is she!
OFFICER ONE: I’m sure you both are — you’re the picture of innocence!
The two officers move around the apartment and start rummaging.
Phillip now stands in front of the drawer in the kitchen where the cocaine is.
Officer Two approaches him.
OFFICER TWO: Step aside, please.
PHILLIP: You don’t have a warrant.
Officer One steps behind Officer Two. They both look at Phillip in an intimidating way.
OFFICER ONE: You’re a pimp and we’ve been receiving a lot of complaints about you and the girlie from the neighbors.
PHILLIP: Ah… don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I’m a businessman. I run a reputable business.
OFFICER TWO: Doing what?
PHILLIP: Reputable things.
BRANDY: We do extremely reputable things in this apartment!
OFFICER ONE (to Brandy): Such as?
Officer Two and One turn around and look at Brandy.
BRANDY: Charity work.
OFFICER TWO: Really? What kind of Charity work?
BRANDY: For the poor.
OFFICER ONE: What poor?
Beat.
BRANDY: Well… me, for one!
Beat.
OFFICER ONE: Sit down honey. Keep your mouth shut and you’ll get out of this without any issues.
Brandy sits.
OFFICER TWO: Let me look in that drawer.
PHILLIP: With all due respect, officer, you don’t have a warrant.
Officer One grabs Phillip and shoves him aside. Officer Two opens the drawer. He grabs the bag of cocaine and holds it up.
OFFICER TWO: Wow. Quite a stash!
PHILLIP: I didn’t know that was here, honest! I’m a reputable businessman!
BRANDY: He’s telling the truth!
Officer One turns Phillip around and handcuffs him.
OFFICER ONE: Come on, let’s go.
Officer one walks Phillip out of the apartment.
PHILLIP (to Brandy): I’ll be back in an hour.
BRANDY: Don’t hurt him!
Officer One leads Phillip outside.
Officer two stays behind and turns to Brandy.
OFFICER TWO: You Ok honey?
BRANDY: I’m fine.
OFFICER TWO: You did good.
Officer two reaches into his pocket and grabs an envelope full of cash, handing it to Brandy.
OFFICER TWO: It’s your first step toward independence.
BRANDY: Will I see you later?
OFFICER TWO: Absolutely.
Officer Two puts his hand up to Brandy’s cheek.
OFFICER TWO: You did good.
BRANDY: Sure.
Officer two leaves.
BRANDY: Don’t sell it all at once.
OFFICER TWO: I’m not selling it. The boys love a good high. Makes the night shift easier.
Brandy nods.
Officer Two leaves.
END OF SCENE
-
Don Thompson’s Interest Scene
What I learned while doing this assignment is that you can set up a scene for an interesting payoff in a very efficient way using interest techniques.
Logline: After being screwed over, Alex returns to Emma to request a truce, while in reality, Alex is setting up Emma for embarrassment at a social gathering.
Interest technique: Character, Dialog
Scene:
ALEX (30) is at a party, speaking with CAITLYN (25). Caitlyn points out that his ex, EMMA (30) is also at the party.
CAITLYN (nodding toward Emma): Wow, Emma’s here.
Alex, somewhat surprised, turns to look. He spots Emma with ROB (22).
ALEX: I wonder who the guy is.
CAITLYN: Looks about five years younger than her.
ALEX: Maybe ten.
CAITLYN: You should go say ‘hi’. I mean, even if she was sort of a bitch to you.
ALEX: Sort of a bitch? She was a major bitch. But also fun.
Alex then makes his way over to Emma and Rob.
ALEX: Hi Emma, how’s it going?
EMMA: Alex! How are you?
They do an obligatory hug and peck on the cheek.
EMMA: This is my cousin Rob.
ALEX: Hey Rob, nice to meet you. Where are you from?
ROB: Florida.
Alex nods his head.
ALEX: Can I get you guys something to drink?
ROB (jumps in): I’ll do that! What will you have?
EMMA: I’ll take a glass of red wine.
ALEX: (looking at his empty glass). I’ll take a whiskey – neat.
Rob leaves.
ALEX: So – how’s it going?
Emma: Not bad.
Alex looks down.
ALEX: Hey, ah – I’m sorry about what happened.
EMMA: Me too.
ALEX: I mean, I was an asshole.
EMMA: We were both sort of assholes.
ALEX: Can we have a truce?
EMMA: Sounds good.
Alex turns back to Caitlyn.
ALEX: I was… talking to my friend Caitlyn. You ever meet Caitlyn?
EMMA: You an item?
ALEX: Nah… she’s a friend.
Rob returns with the drinks, hands them over to each.
ROB: Bar’s pretty good. Looks like some interesting people.
EMMA: You should go meet some. Mingle.
ALEX: Yeah… go meet some!
Rob eyes them both over, taking the hint.
ALEX: So, where were we?
EMMA: You’re not with Caitlyn.
ALEX: No.
Beat.
EMMA: We had it sort of good, I thought.
Beat.
ALEX: Yeah… really good.
They look at each other quite deeply.
Suddenly, Alex looks up, noticing another woman, ROBIN (25) has entered.
Alex nods toward Robin.
ALEX: That’s Robin.
Emma looks her way.
EMMA: You know her?
ALEX: She’s my date.
Emma is side-swiped by the remark.
EMMA: Oh. I see.
ALEX: See ya.
EMMA: Sure.
Alex leaves Emma and walks toward Robin.
Emma is left standing alone, looking lost and embarrassed.
END OF SCENE
-
Don Thompson reveals: character reveal
Logline: Two high school friends meet after several years. One reveals to the other an unknown part of her life.
EMMA (30) waits alone in a bar for STACEY (30). Emma watches the TV in the bar and sips on a glass of wine. The bartender, KYLE (25), tends to his work and other customers. The bar is about ¼ full.
Stacy approaches Emma at the bar.
STACEY: Hey honey!
EMMA: Hey girl!
The two hug and give each other a peck on the cheek.
Kyle approaches.
KYLE (to Stacey): What can I get you?
STACEY: I’ll take a glass of red wine.
KYLE: Want to look at the list?
STACEY: Nah, just give me what you like best.
KYLE: You got it.
The two women look at each other and smile.
EMMA: How long’s it been?
STACEY: Too long. How’s it going? How’s Stan?
EMMA: Good. Still working at the Bank. Trying to get a promotion, as always. I’m working part-time. You know, keeping an eye on the kids.
STACEY: Yeah, that’s a big chore.
EMMA: I keep waiting for your kids. You will have the best-looking kids.
STACEY: That’s what they all say. Not that I agree with them.
EMMA: Oh, come on!
STACEY: So… your kids… how’s school going?
EMMA: Well, it’s a pain in the ass, frankly. If you want to do it right if involves a lot of proactive management.
STACEY: Proactive management?
EMMA: It’s like when I was doing corporate work. Project management. You know, system development life cycles in software. You have the phases of development. Kids are the same.
STACEY: I never liked that kind of thing.
EMMA: You always were the artist.
STACEY: Life is too short to get caught up in stupid stuff. Not that your kids are stupid stuff. You kids are important. Business can be stupid.
EMMA: Except for without it there’s no money and without money, there’s no life.
Kyle returns with a glass of wine. Stacey turns to him.
STACEY (to Kyle): Thank you, sir! I have a question for you!
KYLE: Hit me.
STACEY: Is life possible without money?
KYLE: Sure!
STACEY: Prove it!
KYLE: I have a book for you — be right back!
Kyle leaves the bar.
EMMA: Jesus, I wonder what book that is?
STACEY: Sounds like one I probably want to read.
Stacey sips the wine.
EMMA: How is it?
STACEY (noncommittal): Oh you know, sort of like communion.
EMMA: Ask him to get you something else.
STACEY: It’s OK.
Beat. Emma eyes her over.
EMMA: So… any new flames you want to tell me about? Exciting love trysts with interesting people?
STACEY (smiles): Sure, but I must give you some back story.
EMMA: I love back story.
Kyle returns with the book. He lays it on the bar. The title is: ‘The Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East’.
Kyle leans in.
KYLE: According to this book, it is possible to live completely off what is known as ‘prana’ to the Eastern Mystics. No food required, no money required, you are completely non-dependent on others.
STACEY: Sounds religious.
KYLE.: It’s not religious, it’s spiritual. There’s a difference.
EMMA (realizes something): Oh you know what this is like – this is like the Human Barbie!
STACEY: Human Barbie?
EMMA: She’s a breatharian. The breatharians claim you can live off of light and air. I read an article about it in ‘People’.
KYLE: Exactly! This is the same thing. But they call it Prana.
STACEY: It sounds religious. I’m sure you have to give up sex.
KYLE: Not necessarily. I mean, it’s sort of androgynous. It’s sort of non-binary in its approach.
EMMA: Non-binary. Sounds sorta gay!
STACEY: I’m definitely non-binary! I should probably become a breatharian.
Silence.
EMMA smiles at Stacey.
KYLE: I believe that most mystics are gay at heart. I mean look at all the long-haired yogis in India. They all look gay to me!
Kyle then leaves.
Emma looks to Stacey.
EMMA: So, you’re non-binary?
STACEY: I’m gay.
Emma reacts viscerally, struggling to swallow her sip of wine.
Beat, Emma collects herself.
EMMA: Honey, you’re not gay! You dated too many people in High School to be gay! I heard you quite loudly on double dates! You were definitely enjoying yourself!
STACEY: I’m gay, honey. No kids. At least not unless I get creative.
EMMA: Have you got a… girlfriend?
STACEY: Actually yes. I want you to meet her. I want you and Stan to both meet her.
EMMA: But you don’t look or seem gay.
STACEY: Looks have nothing to do with being gay.
Emma eyes her over.
EMMA: I’m not convinced… but we’ll talk about it more later.
STACEY: How about we talk about it right now? I mean, does it bother you?
EMMA: It’s just… you know… compared to when you were in high school… this does not compute.
STACEY: I knew then, actually. In High School.
EMMA: You knew then.
STACEY: It’s an inner thing. You just know.
Beat.
EMMA: Ok. I got it. I’m good with it. When do I meet your friend?
STACEY: How about our wedding shower?
END OF SCENE
-
Lesson 20: Dramatic Character Relationships
Characters & Traits
David: obsessive, determined, escapist, intelligent
Lydia: impatient, caring, insightful, truthful
Emily: self-centered, short-sighted, direct, unforgiving
Mark: people-oriented, altruistic, hard on self, compassionate
Character pairs – David with others:
Look at: rapport, conflict, contrast, competition, subtext
David and Lydia – Lydia can be impatient with David’s obsessions (conflict), and yet caring about his tendencies toward escapism (rapport). The subtext is that Lydia’s impatience can mask a desire to protect herself emotionally, while David’s subtext is that he has a better handle on reality than most people due to his higher intelligence. The contrast between David and Lydia is that Lydia is more direct, and David is more indirect in his approach to life. Competition occurs when each tries to apply their intelligence and truth-telling to provide analysis of any given situation in order to prove ‘who is right’.
David and Emily – David and Emily have very little rapport. David conflicts with Emily on a few fronts: her self-centeredness conflicts with his obsessiveness, and it can run counter to his desires. David’s intelligence also sees through Emily’s short-sightedness. The subtext is that Emily seeks something from David he cannot provide, while David is inclined to escape from this realization. The contrast is that David and Emily have different orientations toward life; David looks inward and is determined to find a path forward by taking responsibility for his life, while Emily turns outward and blames others for her problems. Competition occurs in terms of world view: who has the superior world view? Emily believes David is a hopeless and useless escapist, while David believes Emily will never find happiness in her unrealistic and unforgiving expectations of others.
David and Mark – Mark’s people-oriented attitude mean he will sign on to David’s obsessions and try to find the positive in them (rapport). If he questions David, he will turn on himself (be hard on himself) and attempt a more compassionate attitude. The subtext is that Mark is supportive of David but doubts his ability to help him in an effective way, leading to an internal conflict in Mark. The subtext with David is he feels guilty about Mark’s concern for him and doesn’t believe that Mark can really assist in his life journey and help resolve his personal problems. The contrast is that Mark always turns to others to find his life purpose, while David turns inward. There is little competition between the two as their traits tend to provide an incentive to support one another in some fashion.
-
QE #4: I CHANGED RENEE’S TRAIT AS FOLLOWS IN THIS NEXT VERSION:
RENEE
Traits
– Prissy
– Devious
– Outgoing
– Conformist->nonconformist (trait change in this rewrite)Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky
– Snobbish
– Paranoid
– Emotionally WoundedSubtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
What I learned: changing a single character trait can completely change the nature of a given scene.
INT. DENNY’S RESTAURANT, ALABAMA – DAY
Logline: RENEE (30) has a coffee date with MAXINE (28) to discuss Renee’s wedding and her desire for Maxine to be her bride’s maid. Unfortunately, Maxine has a secret that once revealed usurps all of Renee’s plans.
Essence: The best-laid plans can always be upended.
MAXINE, an attractive woman in her late twenties, approaches RENEE, an attractive thirty-year-old, sitting at a booth at a Denny’s. Both women speak with a mild southern accent. Renee wears a bright pink dress with high-top leather boots and a decorative scarf that speaks to her sense of individuality. Maxine dresses more corporate. Renee looks a little like Cher from the 1960s.
After exchanging a ‘hello’ embrace Maxine settles into the booth, sitting across from Renee.
MAXINE: You look great! I love that scarf!
Renee smiles and adjusts her scarf a little.
RENEE: I just love making a statement. So good to see you!
MAXINE: Same here! I do wish you would have told me you wanted to meet at Denny’s. There’s this great new coffee shop we could have tried with fantastic expressos! I hope none of my friends see me here!
RENEE: I’m sure you’re OK! I’m probably on the lowest rung of your circle, right? I’m probably the only hippie you know in Alabama!
Maxine frowns.
RENEE: Ok, first things first. Will you sign the petition to make recreational cannabis use legal in Alabama. I can forward you the email.
MAXINE: I never smoked pot, honey. I don’t know where you picked up the habit.
RENEE: University. I fell in l love with Jack Kerouac.
MAXINE: Who the hell is he?
RENEE: Dharma bums? The founder of beat? Honey, get an education.
MAXINE: Send me your petition. I’ll sign it.
RENEE: Great.
MAXINE: Do you get any money for me signing it?
Beat.
RENEE: Maybe a little. I mean, I’m leading the group. I should get a little payback for my time.
Renee picks up her cell phone, clicks on her email, and forwards the petition to Maxine.
RENEE: Done! Petition sent!
Beat. Maxine eyes Renee over.
MAXINE: How long have we known each other?
RENEE: Oh, too long to count! High School at least.
Maxine’s cell phone RINGS.
MAXINE: Hang on.
She looks at her cell phone, notices it says: ‘INCOMING: JERRY’
Maxine declines the call – but presses the option allowing for voicemail.
MAXINE: Potential Spam!
RENEE: I hate that.
Renee removes a compact from her purse and touches herself up.
RENEE: Gotta look good for the waiter!
The waiter, a YOUNG MAN in his mid-twenties, approaches.
WAITER: What can I get you?
RENEE: Just coffee for me.
MAXINE: Me too.
WAITER: Easy enough! Be right back.
The two women’s eyes follow the young man.
RENEE: Well, he’s sure got a nice attitude.
MAXINE: Yeah, very nice!
They look at each other and LAUGH.
RENEE: Well, I ah, also volunteered for the Climate March. I’m coordinating for our area.
MAXINE: Climate march. Jesus. Do you believe that stuff?
RENEE: Well, yeah. Don’t you follow the science?
MAXINE: My pastor says it’s all a ploy by the Deep State to take over the United States.
RENEE: You gotta be kidding me? Do I look like Deep State?
Maxine looks her over.
The waiter returns with the coffee and sets the two cups in front of them.
Maxine turns to the waiter.
MAXINE: Does she look like a Deep State operative?
WAITER: Hell yeah.
The waiter walks away.
MAXINE: I rest my case.
RENEE: You are so paranoid. I was gonna ask you to be my Bridesmaid and now just don’t know.
MAXINE: Wow, you’re getting married? Did you break up with Jerry?
RENEE: It is Jerry! Who the hell else would I be marrying?
Maxine looks down, almost ashamed, then back at Renee.
MAXINE: I don’t know. Maybe just not Jerry.
Beat.
Maxine shows the cell phone call — clearly indicating it is from Jerry — to Renee. There is an unplayed voice message.
MAXINE: I’m seeing Jerry, honey. He’s two-timing you.
Long pause.
RENEE: Did he leave you a message?
Maxine checks her cell phone.
MAXINE: Yeah.
RENEE: Play it.
Maxine hits play on the voicemail. Jerry’s VOICE is heard:
JERRY: Hey, honey. I can’t make it Friday. I have something else going on with Renee. I’ll get the whole thing sorted out. I’ll call you back Monday. Love ya.
Maxine looks at Renee.
Renee BURSTS INTO TEARS and gets up.
RENEE: You bitch!
Several people sitting around in Denny’s look up at both of them. Renee looks around at all the people.
RENEE: (addresses people): What the fuck are you staring at!
RENEE storms out of the Denny’s. Maxine follows her.
EXT. DENNY’S – SAME TIME
Maxine follows her. Renee bolts to her car, unlocks and opens the door, and tries to close it, but Maxine prevents her.
RENEE: Let me go!
MAXINE: I thought you might be OK with it. I mean you’re so liberal!
RENEE: Not that liberal! How could you do this to me?
MAXINE: You can’t figure that out?
RENEE: No, I can’t!
MAXINE: All the boys who used to ask you to dance in High School and left me on the sidelines?
RENEE: So this is revenge?
MAXINE: Absolutely. You should know when you hurt people. Not do it so much!
Renee cannot believe what she is hearing and SLAMS the car door shut.
Renee is about to drive away and rolls down the car window.
RENEE: This ain’t over yet. I’m gonna marry Jerry. I’m gonna do it no matter what it takes and who I hurt. I mean he wants to. He said so. I believe him.
Maxine looks on. Renee rolls up her window and SPEEDS OFF.
Maxine walks to the curb and sits. She holds her head in her hands, sobbing.
END OF SCENE
-
INT. DENNY’S RESTAURANT, ALABAMA – DAY
Logline: RENEE (30) has a coffee date with MAXINE (28) to discuss Renee’s wedding and her desire for Maxine to be her bride’s maid. Unfortunately, Maxine has a secret that once revealed usurps all of Renee’s plans.
Essence: The best-laid plans can always be upended.
MAXINE, an attractive woman in her late twenties, approaches RENEE, an attractive thirty-year-old, sitting at a booth at a Denny’s. Both seem distracted and not 100% present in the moment. Both women speak with a mild southern accent.
After exchanging a ‘hello’ embrace Maxine settles into the booth, sitting across from Renee.
MAXINE: You look great!
RENEE: You too, honey! So good to see you!
MAXINE: I do wish you would have told me you wanted to meet at Denny’s. There’s this great new coffee shop we could have tried with fantastic expressos! I hope none of my friends see me here!
RENEE: I’m sure you’re OK! I’m probably on the lowest rung of your circle, right?
Maxine frowns.
MAXINE: I don’t know about that! That sorta hurts, honey. I mean, we’ve known each other for how long now?
RENEE: Oh, too long to count! High School at least.
Maxine’s cell phone RINGS.
MAXINE: Hang on.
She looks at her cell phone, notices it says: ‘INCOMING: JERRY’
Maxine declines the call.
MAXINE: Potential Spam!
RENEE: I hate that.
Renee retrieves a compact from her purse and touches herself up.
RENEE: Gotta look good for the waiter!
The waiter, a YOUNG MAN in his mid-twenties, approaches.
WAITER: What can I get you?
RENEE: Just coffee for me.
MAXINE: Me too.
WAITER: Easy enough! Be right back.
The two women’s eyes follow the young man.
RENEE: Well he’s sure got a nice attitude.
MAXINE: Yeah, very nice!
They look at each other and LAUGH.
RENEE: Well, I ah, volunteered to be head up the church’s latest fundraising effort.
MAXINE: Yeah?
RENEE: Jewelry for Jesus. People turn in their most expensive jewelry, we sell it, and the proceeds go to poor families in Africa.
MAXINE: Well that’s nice! The Lord will definitely be happy about that!
RENEE: Between you and me, I’m running the whole operation, and taking a commission.
Renee reaches into her purse and retrieves a set of pearls. She shows the pearls to Maxine.
RENEE: Now look at these… try ‘em on!
Maxine is hesitant.
RENEE: Go ahead, try ‘em on.
Maxine puts on the pearls. Renee hands her the compact from her purse.
RENEE: Now you look just great in those!
MAXINE examines herself in the compact mirror, then looks at the pearls.
MAXINE: They’re fake, honey.
RENEE: They’re not fake!
MAXINE: Believe me, honey, I know. My Daddy’s a jeweler, remember?
She hands the fake pearls back to Renee.
MAXINE: No commission on that one.
RENEE: Yeah, well I deserve a commission. It’s a lot of work raising money! I’m mean isn’t my time worth anything?
Maxine nods ‘yes’.
MAXINE: Sure.
RENEE: But that’s not why I wanted to meet with you, honey. I’ve got an announcement.
MAXINE: You’re pregnant?
RENEE: No, silly! I don’t mess around with Jerry! We’re getting married!
MAXINE: Wow! That’s just wonderful! What’s the date?
RENEE: June, of course. Like everybody else…. a nice June wedding.
MAXINE: And the venue?
RENEE: Church, of course.
MAXINE: I would never get married at your church, I’m sorry to say, honey. It’s just too…. You know… the parish is a little cheap about the upkeep. You should change the venue.
RENEE: Oh, it’s OK. You know, everybody gets married there. But you are making me think I shouldn’t ask you what I wanted to ask you.
Maxine’s cell phone RINGS again: ‘INCOMING: JERRY”
She declines the call.
Maxine: I gotta turn this damn thing off, sorry.
She turns the phone off.
MAXINE: You were saying?
RENEE: About being my Bridesmaid…
MAXINE: Oh, honey, that is so sweet of you! But I can’t accept.
RENEE: Why?
MAXINE: I’m not the right type for you. I don’t go to your church. I hang around with a bunch of people who all they think about is the next level of Mercedes Benz they’re gonna get. Your people are so much more civic-minded!
Just then the waiter returns with coffee and sets the two mugs down.
WAITER: Here you go, ladies.
RENEE (to the waiter); Will you tell her she’s gotta be my bridesmaid?
WAITER (to Maxine): You have to be her Bridesmaid.
Beat, then he remarks to Maxine:
WAITER: How’s Jerry doin’?
Maxine turns scarlet in embarrassment.
MAXINE: What y’all talking about?
WAITER: Jerry, you know… the guy you hang out with here in the wee hours.
RENEE (to Maxine): Which Jerry is that?
The Waiter, seeing the uncomfortable situation, backs off.
RENEE (stares at Maxine): Which Jerry is that?
MAXINE: Oh… some Jerry… I don’t know!
Maxine stares at her, then grabs her purse, lays down a five-dollar bill, and gets up.
MAXINE: I gotta go!
Maxine walks toward the exit for the restaurant. Renee follows her.
RENEE: You tell me which goddamn Jerry it is or I’m taking back my Bridesmaid offer!
MAXINE: I told you I don’t wanna be your goddamn Bridesmaid!
EXT. DENNY’S – SAME TIME
Maxine walks toward her car. Renee follows her.
RENEE: You mean it’s my Jerry?
Maxine turns around and confronts her.
MAXINE: Yes! Everybody knows that I’ve been seeing Jerry – except you!
RENEE: You bitch! You’ve ruined everything!
Maxine opens her car door and gets in her car, rolling down her window.
MAXINE: It ain’t my fault you can’t make him happy in bed! I mean you might loosen up your morals a little in this day and age! He’s just marrying you to please his parents. Cuz his Daddy is so ‘buddy buddy’ with your Daddy and Jerry is going to take over the business and all. Everybody knows that.
Renee is flabbergasted.
Maxine backs the car up and waves to Renee.
MAXINE: Bye, honey! Sorry for the bad news! Consider it payback for all the times you got the perfect guy for the dance in High School!
Renee is left standing alone in the parking lot. Her eyes well up with tears.
RENEE: I’m still gonna marry the bastard! You ain’t heard the last from
me yet!END OF SCENE
-
Don Thompson – QE #3 – redo after watching Hal’s critique
Logline: NANCY and SQUIRE are thrown together in a corporate team-building exercise in order to come up with ideas to move the company to the next level of profitability.
Essence: Brilliance is not really so easy.
INT. HOTEL MEETING SPACE – DAY
BLAKE (30) stands in front of around FORTY EMPLOYEES of WEGOTITMADE.COM. He is perched in front of a Whiteboard that can flip over to the reverse side.
BLAKE: Ok now we’ve come to the fun part. We’ve paired you up based on some random configurations. (He flips over the board) Oh boy, isn’t this fun?
There are some GROANS and LAUGHS from the group as the White Board reveals the twenty or so pairings.
BLAKE: So, find your assigned partner and report back to me in ten minutes with your profitability solution. Failure is not an option.
NANCY (40) and SQUIRE (35) eye each other from across the room, and approach each other sheepishly. Both Nancy and Squire are attractive in their own way: Nancy is much more corporate in her look and Squire more laissez-faire.
NANCY: I can’t believe they put us together.
SQUIRE: I guess it was random. Why don’t we sit over here? (He points to a couple of chairs and smiles). We can cuddle up and be productive.
NANCY: Watch it! One cuddle from you and you’ll be in the hospital.
SQUIRE: Calm down lady! No need to lawyer up – yet!
The two of them sit quietly for a bit.
NANCY: I think they should just blow up the whole company and start over.
SQUIRE: Come on, Nancy. This reminds me of the last time we got paired up. Ms. Pessimist all over again. But I still had fun. I always have fun.
NANCY: I’m a realist. And sometimes people seem pessimistic because deep down they actually care. You, however, are the real pessimist because you don’t take things too seriously. In fact, serious is not even remotely on your radar. I mean, that food fight at the Christmas Party with catering was a little over the top!
SQUIRE: I’d call it inventive. Like Conceptual Art.
NANCY: It’s a good thing they keep us on opposite sides of the building.
SQUIRE: Truer words were not said.
NANCY: Anyway, you totally misread me. So, I’ll give you the opportunity to get to know me. Ask and you shall receive.
SQUIRE: But what if I don’t want to ask?
NANCY: I’m asking you to ask.
SQUIRE: You mean like… (he smiles)
NANCY: No, you moron! I mean, professionally.
SQUIRE: Hmm. Why don’t we move onto the problem at hand? Meaning the company’s profitability.
NANCY: But not before you admit you have completely misread me.
SQUIRE: How so?
NANCY: I am not a pessimist. I am the opposite, really. I gave more in the Christmas End of Year Fund Drive than any other employee.
SQUIRE: Impressive. I’ll make sure to nominate you for a Nobel Prize.
NANCY: So I do care, actually. And I put my caring into action. You, on the other hand, evade all responsibility and don’t show up to most of your team meetings.
SQUIRE: How do you know that? We’re not even on the same team.
NANCY: I check the attendance records online.
SQUIRE: Wow. That is really… I don’t know what that is actually.
NANCY: I like to find out who really wants to take responsibility so I can know the right people to reach out to for projects.
SQUIRE: Yeah, well avoiding all responsibility is highly underrated, in my opinion. It leaves room for do-gooders like yourself to shine. Even if anonymously and in a way that is unnoticed by people like me — and as you probably snitch on us to management. I love Corporate America.
Long pause.
NANCY: I don’t snitch. I inform. It’s all about transparency.
Beat. Squire glares at her.
NANCY: Are we done psychoanalyzing each other?
SQUIRE: Sure.
Squire then does a quick imitation of Porky Pig.
SQUIRE: That’s all folks!
Squire smiles. Nancy frowns.
Beat.
SQUIRE: I got it. We should recommend an incentive program for the best idea to come up in this session.
NANCY: They want us to develop the idea, not create an incentive for it.
SQUIRE: But we are forming the background from which success will spring. We are creating a framework for success. The infrastructure for future growth.
NANCY: Boy you really do sound just like one of those guys from Booz Allen! But I sort of like it. Infrastructure for growth.
SQUIRE. Infrastructure is a real buzzword nowadays. Everything is infrastructure. Just put a word in front of it and you have a new concept. Corporate infrastructure. Office infrastructure. Sales infrastructure.
NANCY: That’s it! We need a new Sales Infrastructure!
SQUIRE: Can you believe how good I am? I have to take all the credit for this, I’m sorry Nancy. This is too good.
NANCY: You won’t share the idea with me?
SQUIRE: Why should I share anything? I came up with it, it’s my idea, I should get credit.
NANCY: But we’re a team.
SQUIRE: Ok… we’re a team. Sales Infrastructure. Now there’s only one problem.
NANCY: Yes?
SQUIRE: What the hell is a sales infrastructure?
NANCY: It’s making sure you have enough support.
SQUIRE: It’s making sure there’s closeness in the sales staff (he smiles at Nancy) Camaraderie.
NANCY: Accountability is key. And giving a crap. Empathy.
SQUIRE: Close accountability. Togetherness.
NANCY: There will be a twelve-step process for creating the Empathetic Sales Infrastructure.
SQUIRE: Sounds good. From you, in particular.
NANCY: Of course, it’s good. We will sneak it into the next Board Meeting and they won’t even know what hit them. They’ll think they came up with the idea themselves. This is why we cannot mention it to Blake. We have to hang onto this. It’s too good. Too big.
SQUIRE: Then what do we tell Blake?
NANCY: We’ll tell him that based on our last experience together in a team-building session that we spent the entire time trying to forgive and forget your incredibly selfish behavior from last year and will need to skip this round of suggestions.
SQUIRE: Ok. I’m with you. Then we take this to the Board. Together.
NANCY: Exactly, and in a way that nobody ever figures out who came up with the idea but we somehow benefit from it. Leave that part to me. I will take care of it. End of story.
BLAKE then SHOUTS to the group.
BLAKE: OK folks – time’s up!
Blake turns the whiteboard over so that it is a blank slate.
BLAKE: Hit me with some ideas!
A YOUNG MAN chimes in:
YOUNG MAN: We need a new Empathetic Sales Infrastructure!
BLAKE writes it down. Nancy and Squire eye each other despondently.
BLAKE: Brilliant! Now explain to me what that is.
END OF SCENE
-
Don Thompson – QE #3
Logline: NANCY and SQUIRE are thrown together in a corporate team-building exercise in order to come up with ideas to move the company to the next level of profitability.
Essence: Brilliance is not really so easy.
INT. HOTEL MEETING SPACE – DAY
BLAKE (30) stands in front of around FORTY EMPLOYEES of WEGOTITMADE.COM. He is perched in front of a Whiteboard that can flip over to the reverse side.
BLAKE: Ok now we’ve come to the fun part. We’ve paired you up based on some random configurations. (He flips over the board) Oh boy, isn’t this fun?
There are some GROANS and LAUGHS from the group as the White Board reveals the twenty or so pairings.
BLAKE: So find your assigned partner and report back to me in ten minutes with your profitability solution. Failure is not an option.
NANCY (40) and SQUIRE (35) eye each other from across the room, and approach each other sheepishly.
NANCY: I can’t believe they put us together.
SQUIRE: I guess it was random. Why don’t we sit over here? (He points to a couple of chairs and smiles). We can cuddle up and be productive.
NANCY: Watch it! One cuddle from you and you’ll be in the hospital.
SQUIRE: Calm down lady! No need to lawyer up – yet!
The two of them sit quietly for a bit.
NANCY: I think they should just blow up the whole company and start over.
SQUIRE: Come on, get serious Nancy. This reminds me of the last time we got paired up. Ms. Negativity all over again. But I still had fun. I always have fun.
NANCY: I’m a realist. You’re an idealist and don’t take things too seriously. In fact, serious is not even remotely on your radar. I mean, that food fight with catering was a little over the top!
SQUIRE: Yeah, never the twain shall meet.
NANCY: It’s a good thing they keep us on opposite sides of the building.
SQUIRE: If everyone were a realist like you there would be no human progress and we would all be at the level of amoebic slime. And there would be no opportunity to party.
NANCY: I wouldn’t go that far (laughs – beat) We would at least have evolved into walking slime.
Beat.
SQUIRE: I got it. We should recommend an incentive program for the best idea to come up in this session.
NANCY: They want us to develop the idea, not create an incentive for it.
SQUIRE: But we are forming the background from which success will spring. We are creating a framework for success. Infrastructure for future growth.
NANCY: Boy you really do sound like a management consultant! But I sort of like it. Infrastructure for growth.
SQUIRE. Infrastructure is a real buzzword nowadays. Everything is infrastructure. Just put a word in front of it and you have a new concept. Corporate Infrastructure. Office infrastructure. Sales infrastructure.
NANCY: That’s it! We need a new Sales Infrastructure!
SQUIRE: Can you believe how good I am? I have to take all the credit for this, I’m sorry Nancy. This is too good.
NANCY: You won’t share the idea with me?
SQUIRE: Why should I share anything? I came up with it, it’s my idea, I should get credit.
NANCY: But we’re a team.
SQUIRE: Ok… we’re a team. Sales Infrastructure. Now there’s only one problem.
NANCY: Yes?
SQUIRE: What the hell is sales infrastructure?
NANCY: It’s making sure you have enough support.
SQUIRE: It’s making sure there’s closeness in the sales staff. (he smiles at Nancy) Camaraderie.
NANCY: Accountability is key.
SQUIRE: Close accountability. Togetherness.
NANCY: There will be a twelve-step process for creating the Sales Infrastructure.
SQUIRE: Sounds good.
NANCY: Of course it’s good. We will sneak it into the next Board Meeting and they won’t even know what hit them. They’ll think they came up with the idea themselves. This is why we cannot mention it to Blake. We have to hang onto this. It’s too good. Too big.
SQUIRE: Then what do we tell Blake?
NANCY: We’ll tell him that based on our last experience together in a team-building session that we spent the entire time trying to forgive and forget your incredibly selfish behavior from last year and will need to skip this round of suggestions.
SQUIRE: Ok. I’m with you. Then we take this to the Board. Together.
NANCY: Exactly, and in a way that nobody ever figures out who came up with the idea but we somehow benefit from it. Leave that part to me.
BLAKE then chimes in.
BLAKE: OK folks – time’s up!
Blake turns the whiteboard over so that it is a blank slate.
BLAKE: Hit me with some ideas!
A YOUNG MAN chimes in:
YOUNG MAN: We need a new Sales Infrastructure!
BLAKE writes it down. Nancy and Squire eye each other despondently.
BLAKE: Brilliant! Now explain to me what that is.
END OF SCENE
-
Don Thompson – Assignment #13 – Max Interest 2
Scene: A BARTENDER speaks with SEBASTIAN, who reveals he must complete a book idea he has or he will die by his own hand. Unknown to Sebastian, the bartender was at one time a hitman.
Essence: Life is fragile and you need to live your passion now.
Interest Techniques: Prediction, mystery
What I learned that is improving my writing is that layering in interest techniques helps to hold your reader’s interest *in the moment* in that scene.
INT. ‘AESOP’S TABLES’ BAR – NIGHT
SEBASTIAN sits in a bar, drinking. The BARTENDER notices his forlorn look and tries to strike up a conversation. It is early afternoon and there are not very many patrons.
BARTENDER: You still selling life insurance?
SEBASTIAN: You need any?
BARTENDER: Not really. I mean, not that I know of.
Beat.
SEBASTIAN: I think I’m going to write a book.
BARTENDER: Yeah? What about?
SEBASTIAN: About J.D. Salinger. I want to figure out why he wrote ‘The Catcher in the Rye’. If I don’t figure it out and write a book about it, I will die at my own hand.
Beat.
BARTENDER: Sounds serious. I predict that you will do it.
SEBASTIAN: You predict that I will die or that I will complete the book?
BARTENDER: Both. You will complete the book and death is inevitable. How you die, well, that is another conversation.
Beat.
SEBASTIAN: I never thought about it that way.
Beat.
BARTENDER: That’s why I get paid the big bucks.
Beat.
BARTENDER: Or used to.
SEBASTIAN: What did you use to do?
BARTENDER: It’s a secret. If I revealed it no one would come here anymore.
SEBASTIAN: Wow, that’s quite a secret.
BARTENDER: It’s sort of a ‘whodunnit?’
SEBASTIAN: You mean you killed somebody. Ah, you were a hitman!
The Bartender grabs a cigarette and lights it.
BARTENDER: I never said that. I love people. That’s why I’m a bartender. I would never kill anyone, at any time, for any reason.
SEBASTIAN: That’s cool.
BARTENDER: I only did it to the deserving, — or the willing – so that’s not murder.
SEBASTIAN: But you said you never killed anyone.
BARTENDER: I didn’t.
SEBASTIAN: I’m confused.
BARTENDER: That’s good. It’s a sign of intelligence. People that pretend to know things with absolute certainty are either crazy or boring.
Beat.
BARTENDER: Killing people taught me one thing, that’s for sure.
SEBASTIAN (SLAPS his thigh): I knew it! You were a hitman!
Pause, the Bartender wipes the counter.
BARTENDER: Killing people taught me that people, in general, want to live and that they don’t do it very well.
Sebastian eyes him over.
BARTENDER: Would you like another drink, or would you like me to refer you to a shrink? I know a good one.
SEBASTIAN: I’ll take the drink. But only after you tell me who you killed and how you killed them.
BARTENDER: I told you I wouldn’t hurt a fly. That said, a very clean thrust to the heart with a six-inch stiletto blade is a good method. Or so they tell me.
SEBASTIAN: Who told you?
BARTENDER: My mentors.
Beat.
SEBASTIAN: I definitely need another drink. Scotch.
The bartender retrieves the drink. Sebastian downs it quickly.
BARTENDER: The bottom line from this conversation is don’t ever consider suicide. It’s not cost-effective. Hire a hitman. A professional. To clarify, if you were to die at the hands of someone else, and had a big life insurance policy – which I’m sure you do as you are an insurance salesman – well, if you die with life insurance at least your beneficiary could cash out. That’s the way to go. None of this suicide stuff. If you’re gonna die, do it properly and in a profitable manner.
SEBASTIAN: Did your mentors tell you that, too?
BARTENDER: No, my mother told me that. She also told me to live life fully and not ponder an early death. So, she was contradictory in her outlook.
SEBASTIAN: Sort of like you.
BARTENDER: God is all things good and evil, sayeth the wise man.
SEBASTIAN: I suppose you are the wise man?
BARTENDER: Of course. Would you like another drink?
SEBASTIAN: Sure.
BARTENDER: (brings the drink) Would you like to hire me?
SEBASTIAN: I think I’d rather write the book.
The Bartender nods.
END OF SCENE
-
Don Thompson – Assignment #12 – Challenging Situations
What I learned is that depending on the scene or the nature of the
challenge(s), the rewrite may be short or extensive. The rewrite may involve
adding scenes to preface or bookend the scene being considered for additional
challenges. The rewrite may require you to reflect on the theme(s) of the scene
and overall story.Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline:
A journalist meets with a government official to discuss ways to go public
with a controversial story.B. Essence:
There are risks involved with telling the entire truth related to a story.C. Brainstorm list
of possible challenges: 1) those that don’t want the story disclosed try to
stop the meeting from occurring. 2) the journalist has second thoughts about
the meeting, postpones, then decides to go ahead and meet. 3) the government
official expresses second thoughts about the meeting and does some due
diligence on the journalist to make sure they can endure the scrutiny once the
story hits the press.D. Quick summary of
how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: Each
approach would require adding scenes before, during, or after the scene in
question. For #1, a literal physical obstacle could be put in place as the
journalist attempt to attend the meeting. For #2, there is internal
resistance, resulting in a phone call to cancel the meeting, then a reversal.
#3 would require some extensive rewriting, including where first the official
expresses doubt, then launches the due diligence efforts, and the reaction by
the journalist once they find out that the due diligence (with perhaps some
uncomfortable inquiry into their personal life) has occurred.Scene 2:
A. Current Scene
Logline: The headmistress of an 1840s French boarding school requests one
of the teachers to put together a Christmas play involving her students.B. Essence: The headmistress is testing the teacher to find out if she will stay or leave the
school.C. Brainstorm list
of possible challenges: 1) One of the students or students could complain
that the play will be too difficult and refuse to participate. 2) One of the
parents of the students could complain that their child is not getting the role
they desire. 3) One of her students is not Christian and she needs to find a
way to accommodate the student’s religious upbringing.D. Quick summary of
how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: For #1
this would involve additional scene(s) to deal with the problem student; #2
would require additional scene(s) involving the parent of the student,
including how the teacher will try to convince the parent that the role is not
only good for the student, but the best possible role they could be assigned;
and #3 writing of additional scene(s)
regarding this challenge could bring in themes of tolerance and understanding and
be integrated into an overarching theme for the film (i.e., of tolerance and
forgiveness). -
Don Thompson – Assignment #12 – Challenging Situations
What I learned is that depending on the scene or the nature of the challenge(s), the rewrite may be short or extensive. The rewrite may involve adding scenes to preface or bookend the scene being considered for additional challenges. The rewrite may require you to reflect on the theme(s) of the scene and overall story.
Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: A journalist meets with a government official to discuss ways to go public with a controversial story.
B. Essence: There are risks involved with telling the entire truth related to a story.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges: 1) those that don’t want the story disclosed try to stop the meeting from occurring. 2) the journalist has second thoughts about the meeting, postpones, then decides to go ahead and meet. 3) the government official has expressed second thoughts about the meeting and does some due diligence on the journalist to make sure they can endure the scrutiny once the story hits the press.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: Each approach would require adding scenes before, during, or after the scene in question. For #1, a literal physical obstacle could be put in place as the journalist attempt to attend the meeting. For #2, there is internal resistance, resulting in a phone call to cancel the meeting, then a reversal. #3 would require some extensive rewriting, including where first the official expresses doubt, then launches the due diligence efforts, and the reaction by the journalist once they find out that the due diligence (with perhaps some uncomfortable inquiry into their personal life) has occurred.
Scene 2:
A. Current Scene Logline: The headmistress of an 1840s French boarding school requests one of the teachers to put together a Christmas play involving her students.
B. Essence: The headmistress is testing the teacher to find out if she will stay or leave the school.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges: 1) One of the students or students could complain that the play will be too difficult and refuse to participate. 2) One of the parents of the students could complain that their child is not getting the role they desire. 3) One of her students is not Christian and she needs to find a way to accommodate the student’s religious upbringing.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge: For #1 this would involve additional scene(s) to deal with the problem student; #2 would require additional scene(s) involving the parent of the student, including how the teacher will try to convince the parent that the role is not only good for the student, but the best possible role they could be assigned; and #3 writing of additional scene(s) regarding this challenge could bring in themes of tolerance and understanding and be integrated into an overarching theme for the film (i.e., of tolerance and forgiveness).
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Don Thompson explores character profiling.
What I learned is that interesting characters will often display contradictory behavior. Profiling characters helps to discover those contradictions.
BEFORE– Original Character Profiles:
DESCRIPTION #1: ROBERT is an introverted college professor who has rarely displays emotion but is dedicated to his students.
TRAITS: Listens well, empathetic, dedicated, idealistic.
SUBTEXT: Robert would love to write a breakthrough book about an idea he has.
DESCRIPTION #2: ISABEL is a journalist who believes in the truth and conveying it to the world at all costs, as long as she maintains her ethics.
TRAITS: Determined, ethical, honest, hardworking.
SUBTEXT: Isabel has never felt like she gets the recognition she deserves.
DESCRIPTION #3: GARY is a brilliant painter who always defers to criticism, even if off base.
TRAITS: Creative, adaptive, easy-going, friendly.
SUBTEXT: Gary is often angry at his critics, but internalizes this anger as he defers to what they say as he believes it will help his career and sell his paintings at a higher price.
AFTER – ‘Re-do profiles for more Drama’:
DESCRIPTION #1: ROBERT is a brilliant but introverted college professor who at night goes clubbing and engages in alcohol abuse and unsafe sex with both men and women that are half his age. During the day, he displays an obsessive dedication to his student’s success.
TRAITS: Jekyll and Hyde, repressed, self-critical, insightful, alcoholic.
SUBTEXT: Robert hates himself for his ‘alternate’ personality but nonetheless enjoys destroying his own internal stereotypes of himself.
DESCRIPTION #2: ISABEL is a journalist who believes in the truth and getting to it at all costs, even if that means skirting ethical rules and conduct and therefore jeopardizing her career.
TRAITS: Myopic, determined, contextual ethics, the goal justifies the means.
SUBTEXT: Isabel has won many accolades for her work but is constantly looking over her shoulder, deeply concerned that one of her informants/sources will spill the beans and expose her unethical methods.
DESCRIPTION 3: GARY is a brilliant painter who listens to no one as he paints his fantastical images derived from what he calls ‘states of ecstasy’ that are tantamount to religious experiences.
TRAITS: Creative, disruptive, iconoclastic, spiritual, joyful.
SUBTEXT: While Gary’s paintings sell well, he has few friends and has gone through multiple divorces. He is unable to get one of his paintings into a modern art museum because of a heated disagreement with the museum’s curator. The newspaper critics love both Gary and his work.
END
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QE 2 Exchange – Don Thompson
LOGLINE: A nuclear terrorist has initiated the launch sequence of a warhead and possesses the code that can also deactivate the launch. He negotiates with a disillusioned and rebellious military specialist whose goal is to retrieve the code, disarm the missile, and take the terrorist into custody. Interestingly, they also have a shared history.
ESSENCE: Bad intentions lead to bad outcomes.
SCENE:
NICK, a military counter-terrorist specialist, has been called in to negotiate with JOHN, a nuclear terrorist who has activated the launch sequence for a nuclear missile and unless his demands are met will let the missile deploy against a major city.
John is in a secure room in a remote location (an electronics-filled cabin) where he has managed to hack into the highly compartmentalized computer system. His own computer is tapped into solar power with sequestered and encrypted satellite communications.
Nick approaches the remote cabin with several SUVs filled with BLACK OPS MILITARY PERSONNEL. Nick turns to his DRIVER as they pull up near the cabin where John is held up.
NICK (to the driver): We have contact with him?
DRIVER: Yes.
NICK: Patch me in.
CUT TO: John, inside the cabin, speaks to Nick over an intercom.
NICK (through a headset): John! What goes, brother?!
JOHN: Nick – is it really Nick?
NICK: Yeah, they called me in to talk you out of this nonsense.
JOHN: Good luck.
Beat. A BLACK OPS GENERAL walks up to the window of Nick’s SUV and glares at him. Nick nods to the General
NICK: So what’s the demand, big guy? A few million bucks? Make it easy on me.
JOHN: A few million? Holy shit you have to really think I’m an idiot.
Beat.
JOHN: I want fifteen billion dollars delivered to a variety of crypto accounts as specified in my communications of (looks at his watch) 15 hundred hours.
NICK: Ok, so you want to start a small country?
JOHN: How about end world hunger dude, or do something meaningful on climate change?
NICK: Well, I don’t know what the hell you want to do with 15 billion. All I know is you should have married Sally back in the day.
JOHN: Sure, bring up Sally you retarded asshole.
GENERAL (almost a whisper to Nick): Who the hell is Sally?
NICK waves the general away. Looks to the driver.
NICK (to the driver): How much is left on the clock?
DRIVER: Five minutes.
NICK (to JOHN): Ok John, we have five minutes.
JOHN (looks at the timer clock on a computer screen): Four minutes and forty-three seconds.
INSERT: The computer time reads: 00:04:42
NICK: I’ll give you Sally.
JOHN: You fuck head. You can’t give me anyone!
NICK: She’s yours. She will marry you. She will adore you and you won’t have to be a loner any longer. I just sent you a video. Play it.
JOHN notices something entering his inbox via his mail. He opens the video. SALLY appears.
SALLY: John, don’t follow through. I love you. Come back to me.
John LAUGHS and switches off the video.
JOHN: You got to be kidding me! Forget it – sounds like an SNL routine. I mean like as if she really means that! But, I do want you to send her 5 million when this is over. Bitcoin.
NICK: Play the rest of the video!
John hesitates.
NICK: Play it or they tell me she dies. Painfully. Slowly.
JOHN: Not even you could do that you asshole!
NICK: Well, yeah you’re probably right. Go ahead and blow New York off the map. Maybe it’s a good idea, after all, the cesspool that it is.
The General slaps his hand on his head, not believing what he’s hearing. He takes Nick’s handset and chimes in.
GENERAL: Listen you asshole – this is General Bacon and you better believe this Sally friend of yours is going to die slowly and painfully unless you do what we ask. I will personally watch as she writhes in pain and is raped at the same time.
Nick takes the handset back.
NICK: Listen to the video!
John clicks back on the video. A Japanese man appears next to Sally.
JOHN: Master Aikaido!
MASTER AIKAIDO speaks via the video (in heavy accent): John, surrender yourself. For me. For Sally. For the world.
JOHN puts his head in his hands.
Just then THREE MILITARY who have slipped in behind John at the cabin grab him and throw him to the ground. There is a struggle, and they pin John to the ground.
One puts a gun to John’s head.
MILITARY ONE: The deactivation code! Now!
JOHN: Fuck you.
BACK to Nick and the General.
NICK (to General): What the fuck sir! This wasn’t the deal!
GENERAL: We have one minute and 10 seconds.
INSERT: The computer time reads: 00:01:09
NICK: Give them the deactivation code, John. Then you and I can do have a match. I will help you get Sally back.
GENERAL (to Nick): What kind of fucking match?
NICK: A kung fu match. We both studied with Master Aikaido in Japan – when we were marines and when we actually stood for good in the world.
BACK TO JOHN. Long pause — John looks at the timer.
INSERT: The computer time reads: 00:00:15
JOHN (nods to MILITARY ONE). I’ll read you the code. Punch it into the screen on that monitor (nodes to monitor).
MILITARY TWO walks to the monitor.
JOHN: OK. Five-nine-six-eight-six-eight-six-three-five-nine-seven. Punch it in.
MILITARY TWO has punched in the code. The WORDS FLASH:
‘DEACTIVATION SEQUENCE COMPLETED’
JOHN: It’s done. Set up that match.
GENERAL (takes headset): Yeah, sure. Dispatch.
MILITARY ONE takes a handgun and shoots JOHN point-blank in the skull, killing him instantly.
GENERAL: He should have never trusted me.
NICK: He didn’t. He knew it was over. He was just being loyal to me. And his Master. Do you remember what that was like?
The General says nothing.
INSERT: The computer timer reads: 00:00:00
END OF SCENE
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by
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Don’s rewrite – QE Cycle 1:
INT. CANNABIS SHOP – DAY
ROBERT (25), the owner of a Cannabis shop, stands behind the sales counter of his small establishment and counts out some bills. He has a phone perched in his ear.
ROBERT (into phone): Yeah, I let everyone know this guy can’t be trusted. And I don’t care if I screw up anything legit he might be doing with anyone else. He’s on the way over now to bitch and moan. I think he’s here now… I’ll call you back.
Robert hears the ENTRY BELL RING indicating someone has entered the shop. He hangs up the phone.
TRENT (30) enters the shop and walks briskly to the counter. As Robert notices Trent, he closes the cash register and presses a small button under the counter.
INSERT: A lock CLICKS on the front door, locking it.
Trent is now at the counter.
ROBERT: Dude!
Trent and Robert high-five each other.
TRENT: Hey brother, I’m here to celebrate sales.
ROBERT: That might be a little premature. I guess I could be doing a better – but, hey, I was raised a socialist love child, not a used car peddler.
TRENT: So how are they? Sales I mean.
ROBERT: You looked at the books, so you know. Some things are good. The cookies and gummies are selling like hotcakes!
TRENT: Maybe you should sell cannabis hotcakes! I HOP pot!
Robert LAUGHS. Trent turns serious.
TRENT: I would agree the books are telling us that we have to get our sales numbers up, my friend.
ROBERT: Yeah, if I could. Like I said, I’m not the greatest salesperson in the world. You know that.
I know that. My therapist knows that.TRENT: Yeah, well I need you to sell, dude. And to sell like there is no tomorrow. To sell like your ass is on fire. To sell like you’re gonna get offed by someone I might know if you don’t get those sales figures higher.
Beat – Trent gives Robert a serious look, then backs off, smiling.
TRENT: Hey, dude! Got some cookies?
ROBERT: I don’t consume during business hours.
TRENT: But I want to celebrate!
ROBERT: Celebrate what?
TRENT: Your future success!
ROBERT: You’re always telling me I’m a fuck up and now you’re telling me I’m gonna be a success?
TRENT: I just try to keep you motivated. Give me the best cookie you got. I need some NOW.
Robert walks over to a line of Cannabis Cookie dispensers and eyes them over. He grabs one and hands it to Trent.
Trent takes a bite.
ROBERT: Green Baker.
Trent nibbles.
TRENT: So here’s the plan. I want you to jack up the prices by 10 percent. I want you to stay open until midnight every day, and I want you to do some advertising.
ROBERT: I assume you’re gonna pitch in for the ads.
TRENT: If you need it.
Beat.
ROBERT: How about ‘if you have it’?
TRENT: I have it. Don’t trust me? I did hear you might be talking to another backer.
ROBERT: Where’d you hear that?
TRENT: A little birdie.
ROBERT: Well the little birdie is wrong.
TRENT: This particular little birdie has a big mouth and would like to keep your other business partner informed.
Beat.
TRENT: Let me tell you something, Budaroo. You try to deal me out and you’re never gonna do business in this town again. You will have such a bad rep that not even my mother – who hates my guts and loves to find any way she can to hurt my feelings – not even she would do business with you.
ROBERT: That’s too bad – I always thought your mom was kinda cute.
Trent smiles, walks over to the dispensary, and lifts the lid to take another Green Baker cookie. Robert stops him.
ROBERT: Hold on! Hold on! I got a better one for you!
TRENT: A better one? Oh, I need that.
ROBERT: Top notch. Colombian. The ‘Green Grocer’. Come on, I just got the shipment in.
He nods to him to follow him to the back room where he accepts shipments.
Robert leans down and opens a bag that is propped against the wall.
ROBERT: Now lean down and take a whiff of that stuff. That is pure heaven.
Trent leans down and takes a whiff.
TRENT: Man, that is good!
Just then Robert, who has armed himself with a 2×4 board, BELTS Trent in the back and knocks him flat.
ROBERT: That one’s for your mom you lyin’ sack of shit! You don’t have the money – and everyone knows it! And if they don’t, I let them know it!
TRENT CRIES OUT: Is this what your therapist is telling you to do?
ROBERT: My therapist is a whimp. I fired her because I don’t need her. What I DO have a new backer, BUDAROO! One you don’t know, and he isn’t the pain in the ass you are and doesn’t make out to be rich when he’s really in debt up to his kahunas!
Robert WHACKS Trent again.
ROBERT: That one is for MY mom! Leech!
WHACKS him again.
ROBERT: Leeching off labor, as usual!! Neoliberal, fascist, capitalist wannabe leech!
Trent MOANS and tries to escape – but Robert whacks him one more time, knocking him out cold.
Robert looks him over.
ROBERT: Dude, the revolution is here. Robert is taking over.
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Don’s rewrite – QE Cycle 1:
INT. CANNABIS SHOP – DAY
ROBERT (25), the owner of a Cannabis shop, stands behind the sales counter of his small establishment and counts out some bills. He has a phone perched in his ear.
ROBERT (into phone): Yeah, I let everyone know this guy can’t be trusted. And I don’t care if I screw up anything legit he might be doing with anyone else. He’s on the way over now to bitch and moan. I think he’s here now… I’ll call you back.
Robert hears the ENTRY BELL RING indicating someone has entered the shop. He hangs up the phone.
TRENT (30) enters the shop and walks briskly to the counter. As Robert notices Trent, he closes the cash register and presses a small button under the counter.
INSERT: A lock CLICKS on the front door, locking it.
Trent is now at the counter.
ROBERT: Dude!
Trent and Robert high-five each other.
TRENT: Hey brother, I’m here to celebrate sales.
ROBERT: That might be a little premature. I guess I could be doing a better – but, hey, I was raised a socialist love child, not a used car peddler.
TRENT: So how are they? Sales I mean.
ROBERT: You looked at the books, so you know. Some things are good. The cookies and gummies are selling like hotcakes!
TRENT: Maybe you should sell cannabis hotcakes! I HOP pot!
Robert LAUGHS. Trent turns serious.
TRENT: I would agree the books are telling us that we have to get our sales numbers up, my friend.
ROBERT: Yeah, if I could. Like I said, I’m not the greatest salesperson in the world. You know that.
I know that. My therapist knows that.TRENT: Yeah, well I need you to sell, dude. And to sell like there is no tomorrow. To sell like your ass is on fire. To sell like you’re gonna get offed by someone I might know if you don’t get those sales figures higher.
Beat – Trent gives Robert a serious look, then backs off, smiling.
TRENT: Hey, dude! Got some cookies?
ROBERT: I don’t consume during business hours.
TRENT: But I want to celebrate!
ROBERT: Celebrate what?
TRENT: Your future success!
ROBERT: You’re always telling me I’m a fuck up and now you’re telling me I’m gonna be a success?
TRENT: I just try to keep you motivated. Give me the best cookie you got. I need some NOW.
Robert walks over to a line of Cannabis Cookie dispensers and eyes them over. He grabs one and hands it to Trent.
Trent takes a bite.
ROBERT: Green Baker.
Trent nibbles.
TRENT: So here’s the plan. I want you to jack up the prices by 10 percent. I want you to stay open until midnight every day, and I want you to do some advertising.
ROBERT: I assume you’re gonna pitch in for the ads.
TRENT: If you need it.
Beat.
ROBERT: How about ‘if you have it’?
TRENT: I have it. Don’t trust me? I did hear you might be talking to another backer.
ROBERT: Where’d you hear that?
TRENT: A little birdie.
ROBERT: Well the little birdie is wrong.
TRENT: This particular little birdie has a big mouth and would like to keep your other business partner informed.
Beat.
TRENT: Let me tell you something, Budaroo. You try to deal me out and you’re never gonna do business in this town again. You will have such a bad rep that not even my mother – who hates my guts and loves to find any way she can to hurt my feelings – not even she would do business with you.
ROBERT: That’s too bad – I always thought your mom was kinda cute.
Trent smiles, walks over to the dispensary, and lifts the lid to take another Green Baker cookie. Robert stops him.
ROBERT: Hold on! Hold on! I got a better one for you!
TRENT: A better one? Oh, I need that.
ROBERT: Top notch. Colombian. The ‘Green Grocer’. Come on, I just got the shipment in.
He nods to him to follow him to the back room where he accepts shipments.
Robert leans down and opens a bag that is propped against the wall.
ROBERT: Now lean down and take a whiff of that stuff. That is pure heaven.
Trent leans down and takes a whiff.
TRENT: Man, that is good!
Just then Robert, who has armed himself with a 2×4 board, BELTS Trent in the back and knocks him flat.
ROBERT: That one’s for your mom you lyin’ sack of shit! You don’t have the money – and everyone knows it! And if they don’t, I let them know it!
TRENT CRIES OUT: Is this what your therapist is telling you to do?
ROBERT: My therapist is a whimp. I fired her because I don’t need her. What I DO have a new backer, BUDAROO! One you don’t know, and he isn’t the pain in the ass you are and doesn’t make out to be rich when he’s really in debt up to his kahunas!
Robert WHACKS Trent again.
ROBERT: That one is for MY mom! Leech!
WHACKS him again.
ROBERT: Leeching off labor, as usual!! Neoliberal, fascist, capitalist wannabe leech!
Trent MOANS and tries to escape – but Robert whacks him one more time, knocking him out cold.
Robert looks him over.
ROBERT: Dude, the revolution is here. Robert is taking over.
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INT. CANNABIS SHOP – DAY
ROBERT (25), the owner of a Cannabis shop, stands behind the sales counter of his small establishment and counts out some bills.
He hears the ENTRY BELL RING indicating someone has entered the shop.
TRENT (30) enters the shop and walks briskly to the counter. As Robert notices Trent, he closes the cash register and presses a small button under the counter.
INSERT: A lock CLICKS on the front door, locking it.
Trent is now at the counter.
TRENT: Dude!
Trent and Robert high-five each other.
TRENT: How’re sales?
ROBERT: Couldn’t be better. The cookies and gummies are selling like hotcakes!
TRENT: Maybe you should sell cannabis hotcakes! I HOP pot!
Robert LAUGHS. Trent turns serious.
TRENT: I mean, we do have to get our sales numbers up, my friend.
ROBERT: Yeah, if I could. I’m not the greatest salesperson in the world. You know that.
TRENT: Yeah, well I need you to sell, dude. And to sell like there is no tomorrow. To sell like your ass is on fire. To sell like you’re gonna get offed by someone I might know if you don’t get those sales figures higher.
Beat – Trent gives Robert a serious look, then backs off, smiling.
TRENT: Hey, dude! Got some cookies?
ROBERT: I don’t consume during business hours.
TRENT: I do – because I want to celebrate!
ROBERT: Celebrate what?
TRENT: Your success!
ROBERT: You’re always telling me I’m a fuck up and now you’re telling me I’m a success.
TRENT: I just try to keep you motivated. Give me the best cookie you got. I need some NOW.
Robert walks over to a line of Cannabis Cookie dispensers and eyes them over. He grabs one and hands it to Trent.
Trent takes a bite.
ROBERT: Green Baker.
Trent nibbles.
TRENT: So here’s the plan. I want you to jack up the prices by 10 percent. I want you to stay open until midnight every day, and I want you to do some advertising.
ROBERT: I assume you’re gonna pitch in for the ads.
TRENT: If you need it.
Beat.
ROBERT: How about ‘if you have it’?
TRENT: I have it. Don’t trust me? I did hear you might be talking to another backer.
ROBERT: Where’d you hear that?
TRENT: A little birdie.
ROBERT: Well the little birdie is wrong.
TRENT: This particular little birdie has a big mouth and would like to keep your other business partner informed.
Beat.
TRENT: Let me tell you something, Budaroo. You try to deal me out and you’re never gonna do business in this town again. You will have such a bad rep that not even my mother – who hates my guts and loves to find any way she can to hurt my feelings – not even she would do business with you.
ROBERT: That’s too bad – I always thought your mom was kinda cute.
Trent smiles, walks over to the dispensary, and lifts the lid to take another Green Baker cookie. Robert stops him.
ROBERT: Hold on! Hold on! I got a better one for you!
TRENT: A better one? Oh, I need that.
ROBERT: Top notch. Colombian. The ‘Green Grocer’. Come on, I just got the shipment in.
He nods to him to follow him to the back room where he accepts shipments.
Robert leans down and opens a bag that is propped against the wall.
ROBERT: Now lean down and take a whiff of that stuff. That is pure heaven.
Trent leans down and takes a whiff.
TRENT: Man, that is good!
Just then Robert, who has armed himself with a 2×4 board, BELTS Trent in the back and knocks him flat.
ROBERT: That one’s for your mom you lyin’ sack of shit! You don’t have the money – and everyone knows it! And if they don’t, I let them know it!
Trent CRIES OUT.
ROBERT: I DO have a new backer, BUDAROO! One you don’t know, and he isn’t the pain in the ass you are and doesn’t make out to be rich when he’s really in debt up to his kahunas!
Robert WHACKS Trent again.
ROBERT: That one is for MY mom! Leech!
WHACKS him again.
ROBERT: Leeching off labor, as usual!! Neoliberal, fascist, capitalist wannabe leech!
Trent MOANS and tries to escape – but Robert whacks him one more time, knocking him out cold.
Robert looks him over.
ROBERT: Dude, the revolution is here. Robert is taking over.
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Interest Techniques
Note: the following is to complete the assignment given by email on July 17. This does not complete the assignment given via the teleconference of 7/17.
What I’ve learned about improving my writing is that every scene should generate interest. Every interest technique creates a bridge to the next — and multiple techniques can create more interest and more synergy between the various techniques used.
Logline/Essence: A journalist (Alison) enters China under circumstances that could provoke suspicion by the government. Alison is conveyed as a China expert (fluent in Chinese) and potentially a ‘person of interest’ to the government.
Interest Techniques: Superior Position, Suspense, Betrayal, Uncertainty, Intrigue
Rewritten Scene:
Note: if spoken in Chinese the dialog will be subtitled.
INT. CHENGDU AIRPORT, CHINA – DAY
Alison stands in line at immigration. She shows the IMMIGRATION OFFICER (30) her passport.
The Officer doesn’t look up.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Purpose of visit?
ALISON (in Chinese): Tourist.
The immigration officer is surprised she speaks Chinese, and looks through her passport.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: (in Chinese) Journalist?
ALISON (in Chinese): Yes.
The officer scrutinizes her.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: (in Chinese) What organization?
ALISON: Independent.
He looks up at her suspiciously.
OFFICER: BBC?
ALISON: I said independent.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: One minute.
The officer takes Alison’s passport, walks back to a desk and talks to ANOTHER OFFICER. They exchange some words and write something down as Alison looks on.
The officer returns.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER: Come with me.
ALISON (in Chinese): What for? What about my passport?
IMMIGRATION OFFICER (in Chinese): Just come.
The immigration officer leads Alison to a security room.
On the wall is a clock. 11:00 AM.
IMMIGRATION OFFICER (Chinese): Wait here.
ALISON (Chinese): I have to meet someone.
OFFICER: It can wait!
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Don Thompson Profiles People
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that extreme people are often either successful or tragic, and they often seem uncomfortable with ‘normal’ people outside of their families. They make excellent role models for characters in screenplays.
Person One
Charming
Industrious
Risk-Taking
JudgmentalPerson Two
Talented
Intelligent
Avoids opportunity
Lacks confidencePerson Three
Charming
Self-hatred
Alcoholic
Hark workingI won’t be able to chat with these people as they currently are not easily accessible.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by
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Don Thompson Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is that considering the essence always means looking at the potential for subtext and ways to add to the mix of elements that help effectively communicate the themes and concept of the film.
Script I choose: Villette (adaptation)
Scene 1 Location: EXT. PIER, BELGIUM
Logline: Lucy looks on and waits for people to disembark a sailing ship.
Essence I’ve discovered: When people are dissatisfied with the present, they turn to the past.
New Logline: Lucy waits pensively as people disembark on a sailing ship, and reflects on her past relationship with Dr. John.Scene 2 Location: INT. LUCY’S BEDROOM (as a child)
Logline: Lucy asks the servant Maddie about the new child-guest that will be arriving.
Essence I’ve discovered: A person who has suffered from tragedy evokes compassion.
New Logline: Lucy asks the servant Maddie about the new child-guest that will be arriving under tragic circumstances, as Maddie expresses compassion.Scene 3 Location: INT. CAFÉ
Logline: Emmanual confirms that Lucy will play the part of Romeo in the upcoming school play.
Essence I’ve discovered: People sometimes invite you into a situation for a different reason than the surface explanation.
New Logline: Emmanual confirms that Lucy will play the part of Romeo in the upcoming school play, while Emmanuel intimates that he and Lucy may be compatible on a romantic level.Scene 4 Location: INT. TEAROOM
Logline: Ginevra discusses her many boyfriends with Lucy, alluding to her boredom with them all.
Essence I’ve discovered: Surface boredom may mask inner loneliness and longing.
New Logline: Ginevra discusses her many boyfriends with Lucy, alluding to her boredom but at the same time hinting she is looking for something deeper.Scene 5 Location: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING IN VILLETTE
Logline: Lucy inquires if a particular apartment is for let only to find it is unavailable.
Essence I’ve discovered: Sometimes what we want is unexpectedly thwarted, evoking fear of losing control.
New Logline: Lucy inquires if a particular apartment is for let, and on hearing that it isn’t berates the woman without the woman deserving the treatment or understanding what is upsetting Lucy. -
Don Thompson Finds the Essence
What I learned is that a writer needs to understand each scene in its specific essence, but also how that contributes to the overall story. It is not unlike a painter, who chooses a specific color and brush for a given section, but that ideally will add to the whole of the painting and composition.
The script I choose: ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ by Horton Foote
Scene 1 Location: Scene 3, First Act, Atticus’ house
Logline: Mr. Cunningham pays his bill with goods instead of money
Essence: Atticus Finch is generous and looks out for those in need.Scene 2 Location: Scene 23, Act I, Atticus in front of Mrs. Dubose’s house
Logline: Atticus disarms the cantankerous Mrs. Dubose with his charm
Essence: Atticus Finch is nonjudgmental, mature, and skillful in dealing with uncomfortable situations.Scene 3 Location: Scene 48, Act I – Court House
Logline: Robert Lewell (whose daughter was supposedly raped by Tom Robinson) questions Atticus about him defending Tom Robinson
Essence: Atticus Finch represents the rule of law and modern civilization that stands against the rule of the mob and racial prejudice.Scene 4 Location: Scene 295, Act III – Atticus Finch’s house
Logline: Sheriff Tate tells Atticus that Robert Lewell has been killed by Boo Radley but that they should overlook it given the circumstances
Essence: Those that commit a crime (Robert Lewell) will eventually pay for it. The true rule of law is transcendent and arises from innocence, not human judgment.Scene 5 Location: Scene 296, Act III – Atticus Finch’s house
Logline: Atticus tells Scout to tell the authorities that Robert Lewell ‘fell on his knife’ – Scout then asks Boo Radley to come inside and see Jem (who was injured by Robert Ewell).
Essence: Scout comes to understand that the innocent cannot be made guilty, regardless of human law and judgment to the contrary (the persecution of Tom Robinson). In other words, morality is not absolute but based on context. Finally, the innocent (‘the Mockingbird’ and Boo Radley) should always be welcome in the human world.
Scene 5 verbatim text:
Atticus looks out into the yard and then over at Scout.
ATTICUS: Scout, Mr. Ewell fell on his knife. Do you think you can possibly understand?
SCOUT: Yes, sir. I understand. Mr. Tate was right.
ATTICUS: What do you mean?
SCOUT: Well, it would be sort of like shooting a mockingbird, wouldn’t it?
Atticus puts his face in her hair and rubs it. ANGLE WIDENS as Atticus gets up and starts for the house. Before he goes inside, he stops in front of Arthur Radley.
ATTICUS: Thank you for my children, Arthur.
He goes on inside. Arthur gets up and nods toward the front door.
SCOUT: You’d like to say good night to Jem, wouldn’t you, Mr. Arthur? Come right in.
They go in the door.
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Name: Don Thompson
1. How many scripts you’ve written? Including plays, around twenty. My more recent screenplays (since 2017) have won some awards. This may indicate I’m a late bloomer, but the jury is still out.
2. What do you hope to get out of the class? To improve my writing and my ability to interact with clients and producers more credibly and professionally.
3. Something unique, special, strange, or unusual about you? If you google the term ‘humanistic media’ the answer google provides (at least to me in my browser!) is based on the definition I wrote about twenty years ago when I first started my production company in New York. Since very few people likely search on that phrase, it might not really matter that much, but it is unusual.
Happy to be with everyone on this writing journey!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Don Thompson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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Name: Don Thompson
“I agree to the terms of this release form.”
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to. (text follows):
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Thanks Charles – Janeen is also sending me her script. I’d be happy to also look at your script, unless someone else jumps on the thread looking for someone to exhange with. Once you’re ready, please let me know. Best, Don
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Hi Charles – as I read it, this involves choosing someone to exchange scripts with. Once we exchange scripts, we have five days to review and comment on each other’s script. I’d be happy to exchange scripts with you if you’d like. Please let me know. If you want to move forward, I can message you with my email, you can send your script, then I can reply with a *pdf of my script. Thanks, Don
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Thanks for that Carol!
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Thanks, Rebecca – I’ve also enjoyed the process and wish you success as well!
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Thanks for that Rebecca! The funny thing is that I actually had the Skills Sheet and traits in front of me and really did try to develop all the traits. I tend to be a more subtle writer than some – maybe too subtle – but regardless my intent is to make more human characters. I always love the more human and the more subtle – that’s my background and relates to the kinds of films I admire. At any rate, thank you for helping me grapple with this in my writing. The bottom line is I do believe I could go back and layer the traits in a less subtle way. When I write action scripts (I have written a few) it tends to be easier for me to weave in stronger character traits. This scene I would rank more of a character piece. Thanks again.
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Hi Rebecca –
As usual, great work! As I went through the scene kept a running list of the character traits, and indeed checked off all the traits for both Carly and Marcus. I was a little concerned Carly wouldn’t get to ‘caring’ but then her father and family story at the end solidified that for me. As far as interest techniques, I mostly saw suspense, being ‘misled’, uncertainty-fear, and intrigue-surprise. All there and doing their job for moving the scene forward with interest. On the critical side, there are some moments where I feel the exposition and ‘explaining’ about things might be a little on the nose and you could have sought out ways to reveal things through action (but you did do a lot of that!). There’s a lot to unpack – and a lot going into this scene because you’re trying to get a lot done in a short amount of time. My sense is that this could actually gel into a longer script, and some of the ‘on the nose’ exposition could become scene work — that is if the story were developed further. Thanks for the read, Rebecca!
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Thanks for that Rebecca!
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Hi Rebecca –
Great scene!
It’s interesting that we had a similar take on this situation: drugs, police, arrests, press, etc. These kinds of situations (as do Crime Dramas) inherently seem to have higher stakes and are edgier – per Hal’s last critique. In your scene, the character traits are definitely coming through, and the twists work well. It’s interesting our different takes on ‘sense of entitlement’ and ‘status seeking’ – sometimes what I put in my scene for ‘status seeking’ you read as ‘entitlement’ — and a reader could interpret (in your scene) that Phillip’s desire to go to law school would be ‘status seeking’ (a Brandy trait). That would come down to consensus in a team, I guess — so if the writer is off the mark if most readers (or whoever is paying the bills!) believe so then the writer definitely needs to adjust course. At any rate, you definitely got me thinking about the interpretation of traits, and how that can at times be writer specific. But after thinking about it the wealthy are more apt to feel entitled and Brandy (in my scene) is from a rich background while Phillip in your scene is — that said, the wealthy could also be said to be prone to status-seeking. Oy vey!
Another thing I was pondering about my scene, and yours also, is the sense of place. My scene is in NYC but could be probably sketched out better in terms of accents, etc. Yours I’m not sure as the city is not named. I would place it in Philly or maybe Chicago. Or maybe even LA. But if you chose the actual location this could definitely influence how character details are sketched out. Also, for your scene, I’m curious about the type of car. Benz or Acura dumpy car of some kind? The bottom line is you might go ahead and commit to where your scene takes place. I would be curious how Hal would comment on that, as not knowing the place might also be useful as you could then transpose the action to a variety of locations. At any rate, great work, and thanks for the read!
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I like the way you evolved the scene, Janeen. It’s subtle, but I do find Maxine to be naïve regarding Renee’s and Connie’s intentions. Because the way that Renee and Connie intervene with Maxine seems pretty sensible to me (particularly since they are such good friends), the way the traits are displayed might not be enough to call Renee (or Connie) ‘pious do-gooders’. But that is a stylistic thing… and the way you’ve handled it works. But depending on the reader, Renee and Connie may come off as quite sincere rather than pious. You might have to punch it up (with Renee in particular) to show that Renee clearly has an agenda behind what she’s doing that is pious – and what the reason for that is (maybe religious?). What that reason and agenda is would need to be developed.
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Wow, this is a good one Rebecca. I love the end. Quite a revelation. The way you paced the gradual reveal of Maxine’s father’s background was effective. The aloofness of Maxine comes through for me mostly by her (Maxine’s) willingness to ‘walk away’ from the situation and showing how numb she’s gotten regarding her relationship with Renee. You could even underscore that by Maxine continuing her ever more aloof attitude by expanding on how she reacts to Renee’s revelation in the end — perhaps by not really caring. That said, I love the shock of the revelation at the end.
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Hi Monica – great scene, lays out (no pun intended) the two women’s traits quite nicely. My main suggestion is to explore a little further what Renee’s change to ‘revolutionary’ means. The dictionary (per my quick wiki search) meaning of ‘revolutionary’ involves either dramatic change of some sort of political change. I’m sensing more of a ‘devious’ interpretation of what ‘revolutionary’ means with Renee in this version of your scene. Another take on it might be, for example, that Renee seeks to join Roderick’s firm and become a partner and actually expose Roderick and get rid of him at his firm. That imho would be an example of a revolutionary. She would literally be usurping the power structure. btw, I also changed Renee’s same trait, but to ‘nonconformist’. Again per the dictionary, my interpretation of that is along the lines of ‘counterculture’. In the South, where my scene takes place, some of Renee’s activities I depicted might be considered counterculture.
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That’s a great scene, James! You layered in a lot of the character traits imho. The only one I found a little lacking was Squire and ‘happy-go-lucky’ — but that’s a pretty tough one given the tense situation. I liked the way Nancy tries to get to know him and Squire evades the questions. Shows both her caring side and his evasiveness.
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This is really inventive and fun, Rebecca! I definitely saw a lot of the character traits shine through. My only suggestion is to keep layering the scene with the traits… and I’m giving myself this advice as well. If any traits seem to outweigh the others, that’s probably a sign to focus on some of the ones being overshadowed, at least for the purposes of this exercise. Specifically, it seems that seduction for Squire and caring for Nancy are coming through the strongest, at least for me.
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Hi Sandra – This is a great idea and a good start, but I would go through and layer all of the character traits for Nancy and Squire at an additional level. I liked Hal’s critique in the way he parsed through the scene and looked at each character from the standpoint of traits and how that could be embellished. My sense is you could do more on that front and take your scene to the next level.
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Thanks for the feedback, Hope! Appreciated! I’ll go thru each comment and process… 🙂
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Thanks for that Doug – definitely some food for thought! The ‘overkill’ comment is something to be mindful of, for sure. The ‘giving’ was the bit about Sally… that as you indicated he’s giving him a way out.
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Great scene Rebecca — I feel a full script in the making wrapped around this — a terrific drama about the labor movement. The scene and characters feel pretty complete, and it gets hard (per Hope’s comments) to layer in additional traits. The ‘giving’ trait for Nick is pretty tough. And he isn’t really a rebel — but I could see him becoming one as a result of this scene. Is Big John a loner? He probably doesn’t have any love in his life, that’s for sure. I’m not sure in your rendition the trait ‘loner’ comes through. The interesting part (and challenge) re. these exercises is we might need to layer in traits even when they seem extraneous and go against the grain of the character as envisioned.
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Great feedback Rebecca, thanks! I’ll definitely give this another go… 🙂
A little later today I’ll also go over your scene and provide feedback. Thx.
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Nice job Elle! The thing I like about your piece is the clarity with which you interpret the requirements and integrate them within the scene. The whole notion of the two brothers killing each other then elevates the scene thematically and brings a thoughtful element to it that makes you ponder the tragedy of the situation. Perhaps one more go through with an eye toward layering more character traits in would be useful…. but the danger there, I believe, could be that the scene might become too on the nose. So there’s always the need for a balanced (and artful) approach, IMHO.
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Thanks Elle! After reading your scene, your critique re. my missing some character traits with Robert is quite clear. One thing I noticed with your scene is how the *contrast* between Robert and Trent allows for his gregariousness to be highlighted. Character differentiation is of course quite a big deal and important — so your remarks re. my scene and how you handled your scene were both helpful and illustrative.
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This is very cute and fun. What I’m noticing with most of the writers (and I’ve gotten the same critique) is issues with integrating the character traits as laid out by Hal. It seems to be hit and miss for many people. Or the traits are done too subtlely for the reader to pick up on. Again, overall this is very cute and inventive. Nice job Carol!