Doug Herman
Forum Replies Created
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Lonnie, I like the overall concept of your story. I would consider changing the title so that it indicates that this is a story about a reptoid master plan. As a producer, if I read your query, from the title, I would assume this is a story that has something to do with an elevator. I would also make sure any reversals, twists, engaging surprises, etc., are included in your synopsis. I would avoid “partner in crime” unless she is actually a partner in crime. A clever phrase but it can cause confusion if taken literally. I’d like to know more about this “fragile” child and why I should care about him beyond that he’s a child.
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Guil, really like your premise. I would separate the end of your logline and turn it into your tag line: “How do you … someone who’s already dead”. That’s your tag line, so your logline is more concise. I would take out “left to”. Make it even more direct. I would do the same with your synopsis to make it absolutely clear who your protagonist is and what the building obstacles and stakes are. I would “highlight” your hooks, too to help the producer visualize your movie quickly. Is there are way to create a more supernaturally terrifying tone in your synopsis so the producer can sense that ability right off?
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Marketing previously hasn’t been the easiest thing to do and I can already feel the resistance to doing it. So it’s extremely helpful to see a “map” that I can use and develop a doable plan that, activated, can only “stretch” me. The more I realize that the victory is in the actions and the results are not up to me and I can leave them to that “Big Producer in the Sky,” the more easily I can proceed.
My first primary campaign is to focus on producers who could be looking for my (and my co-writer’s) scripts.
My secondary will most likely be to approach literary agents who are seeking new, skillful screenwriters.
My first step will be to create a list of producers.
I think the most important thing I learned from this lesson is that there is ALWAYS something I can do, always some action I can take to get my scripts “out there”.
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Still not seeing my post and testing a post.
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HIGH CONCEPT AND ELEVATOR PITCH
I created 4 (four) high concept pitches, each one different:
dilemma, main conflict, what’s at stake, and goal/unique opposition.
i created an elevator/What are you working on? pitch
I learned that there are several different ways to explain my main hook, and that there are many ways to generate the elevator pitch.
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This is a test to see if posting is working.
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10 most interesting things:
1 The villain is highly intelligent, a technical wizard, who is bent on revenge and and destroying the hero cop a “one piece at at time,” breaking him down mentally and emotionally and physically before he kills him.
2. Turning point: The cop finds his wife has left him with their newborn (inciting incident).
3. Surprise: The killer gets free in the court room and goes on a killing spree before committing suicide.
4. Emotional dilemma: The hero cop is torn between doing his duty and turning in his wife.
5. Major twist: The cop discovers his wife and baby are alive after all.
6. Reversal (midpoint): The cop sees his wife killed.
7: Character Betrayal (Shapeshifter) The hero cop’s partner is revealed to have been working with the revengeful villain and tries to kill the hero cop.
8. Surprise: The hero cop’s ex-partner shows up unexpectedly, gunning for him.
9. The hero cop has 8 hours to find and turn in his wife with their baby or he, too, becomes a felon.
10. The villain uses his mastery of technology and intelligence to make the hero cop face his past.
What I learned: The discipline of looking for the 10 most interesting things about my script not only prepares me and guides me on how to present SUCCINCTLY to a producer “my script in a nutshell,” but it is also is a great tool for writing a screenplay
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10 most interesting things:
1 The villain is highly intelligent, a technical wizard, who is bent on revenge and and destroying the hero cop a “one piece at at time,” breaking him down mentally and emotionally and physically before he kills him.
2. Turning point: The cop finds his wife has left him with their newborn (inciting incident).
3. Surprise: The killer gets free in the court room and goes on a killing spree before committing suicide.
4. Emotional dilemma: The hero cop is torn between doing his duty and turning in his wife.
5. Major twist: The cop discovers his wife and baby are alive after all.
6. Reversal (midpoint): The cop sees his wife killed.
7: Character Betrayal (Shapeshifter) The hero cop’s partner is revealed to have been working with the revengeful villain and tries to kill the hero cop.
8. Surprise: The hero cop’s ex-partner shows up unexpectedly, gunning for him.
9. The hero cop has 8 hours to find and turn in his wife with their baby or he, too, becomes a felon.
<div>10. The villain uses his mastery of technology and intelligence to make the hero cop face his past.</div><div>
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What I learned: The discipline of looking for the 10 most interesting things about my script not only prepares me and guides me on how to present to a producer “my script in a nutshell,” but it is also is a great tool for writing a screenplay
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I’ve been trying to post for days but to no avail. If I can post now. Testing….
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A pitch to a producer about my script:
I’m an optioned writer, L.A. Emmy nominated, with a different take on a teenage supernatural horror. It’s carried by a male and female teen, and there are several other teens that are all killed off. It has a relatively contained budget with a primary location: a cabin in the woods.
Unique aspects:
1) The killer’s uniqueness
2) The unusual way he dispatches his victims
3) The new world that’s never been seen before on screen.
Roles that can attract actors:
1) A slick, charming male teen
2) An impressionable but sarcastic female teen
3) A charismatic deadly killer with a unique blend of characteristics
I’ve collaborated on many scripts and have rewritten many for producers, and am willing to do rewrites and do whatever it takes to get this script green-lighted.
A pitch to a manager:
I’m an optioned writer, L.A. Emmy nominated, who has written many screenplays, many of which I co-wrote. I’m also a script consultant and story analyst who worked at Hearst Entertainment, and have rewritten and helped develop screenplays for producers. A co-writer and I have recently finished a sci-fi noir, and another co-writer and I have written an original spec sitcom that we’re getting ready to pitch.
My middle name is “collaborator” and it’s my intention to do all I can to work with a manager to build my career under their experienced guidance.
What I learned:
The approach to a producer and manager is more different than I thought. I realize it’s essential to be able to work with a producer and a manager. conveying that I’m willing and able to work closely with them.
I appreciated the suggestion to go deeper than my first answer, which I did, discovering more about my project and how to present it.
I was reminded that a manager wants our scripts to be the very best they can be, which means we are ultimately “on the same page.”
And the big one: I learned I could take your guidance regarding the producer’s journey and create a specific pitch for my script. (I’m already more comfortable with the idea of pitching it to producers — and it still needs a rewrite!)
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A pitch to a producer about my script:
I’m an optioned writer, L.A. Emmy nominated, with a different take on a teenage supernatural horror. It’s carried by a male and female teen, and there are several other teens that are all killed off. It has a relatively contained budget with a primary location: a cabin in the woods.
Unique aspects:
1) The killer’s uniqueness
2) The unusual way he dispatches his victims
3) The new world that’s never been seen before on screen
Roles that can attract actors:
1) A slick, charming male teen
2) An impressionable but sarcastic female teen
3) A charismatic deadly killer with a unique blend of characteristics
I’ve collaborated on many scripts and have rewritten many for producers, and am willing to do rewrites and do whatever it takes to get this script green-lighted.
A pitch to a manager:
I’m an optioned writer, L.A. Emmy nominated, who has written many screenplays, many of which I co-wrote. I’m also a script consultant and story analyst who worked at Hearst Entertainment, and have rewritten and helped develop screenplays for producers. A co-writer and I have recently finished a sci-fi noir, and another co-writer and I have written an original spec sitcom that we’re getting ready to pitch.
My middle name is “collaboration” and it’s my intention to do all I can to work with a manager to build my career under their experienced guidance.
What I learned:
The approach to a producer and manager is more different than I thought. I realize it’s essential to be able to work with a producer and a manager. conveying that I’m willing and able to work closely with them.
I appreciated the suggestion to go deeper than my first answer, which I did, discovering more about my project and how to present it.
I was reminded that a manager wants our scripts to be the very best they can be, which means we are ultimately “on the same page.”
And the big one: I learned I could take your guidance regarding the producer’s journey and create a specific pitch for my script. (I’m already more comfortable with the idea of pitching it to producers — and it still needs a rewrite!)
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Continuing to do a Test Post since it is not showing up.
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Test Post. Was unable to post many times.
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DEADLY REFLECTIONS Logline:
A male teen and his friends who are trying to pull off a “zombie scam” in a deserted cabin are stalked by a serial strangler from the 1800’s who uses black magic to travel through mirrors and reflections.
Primary marketing components/ business hooks:
Wide audience appeal: Teenager and 20’s demographic
Unique: 1) A new world within mirrors and reflections.
2) The killer travels from another period of history into the present.
Secondary marketing component/business hook: Engaging horror title
Pitch: DEADLY REFLECTIONS. A dependable and high-grossing genre of “Teenagers running from an evil killer, struggling to stay alive” but what is unique is the killer travels through a mirror from a period in history, the 1800’s, into the present. And we experience with the hero and his new-found female partner, a new world that is inside mirrors and reflections.
Doing this assignment, I learned a valuable lesson: tailor your pitch according to the most engaging marketing components. I also learned how beneficial it is to realize an engrossing pitch’s marketing components can aid in my writing. (I’ve already decided to make specific and major changes in the script that came from looking at it from a marketing standpoint.)
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Title: DEADLY REFLECTIONS Genre: Supernatural Horror
Concept: A strangler from the 1800’s uses black magic to move through the world of reflections to target a group of present day teens trying to pull off a zombie scam.
Tagline: You’ll never look into a mirror the same way again.
My plan: to target producers first.
What I learned: the importance of the “one moment”. About the power of a few, well-chosen words to engage. As the ancient Chinese proverb goes:
“A well-described trailer moment is worth a thousand words.“
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I, Douglas Herman, agree to the terms of this release form.
Douglas Herman
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Mark, I like your concept and the irony of an escape artist in an inescapable situation. Is there a way to say that without it being so on the nose? Is there a title that embodies your story more (even though it’s a cleverly created one)? Sometimes we can be so clever that we miss the mark. Why is it so important for your hero to rescue these men? Can you be more specific about the “hell” he goes through? I’m not clear about the identity that he has to reclaim. I’m not sensing what his backstory is about or why I should be caring about him and what he’s up against. How does this event transform him? What is his tragic flaw that he must face and change within him? Can you deepen the idea of “escape” and incorporate it into your major THEME?
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Andrea, I like your concept and it sounds like the makings for a charming and touching and entertaining film. I suggest you put the boy up front more. You might even want to have him in the beginning of your logline since, I assume, he is your wonderful hero. An eleven year boy (and then throw in at least one adjective so we know what kind of kid he is) steals… etc., etc. You want us to “fall in love” with this kid, so I suggest lead with him. I want to know more right away WHY he stole the sea dragon. Does he have a fascination with sea dragons the same way the kid does have with penguins in ATYPICAL? i want to sense who this kid is much more. Tricks are great, but who is he?
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John, was a clever concept. I’d make sure that you clearly define how it stands out from the other films with a similar concept and “lay down those hooks” clearly, removing all the excess and editorializing. Bring the producer reading your query right smack into your script/movie. I highly suggest you show the producer that you can write comedy by the way you write your synopsis. Make sure they’re laughing just by reading it. Accomplish that and those “send us your script”s can mount up.
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I like where you’re going with this, Guil, but I don’t have a razor-sharp understanding of what your script/story is about. Why did they target that specific producer? What’s the overall plan of these guys and, if it’s money from ransom, why is it so important to get the money now? Can you make it clear why, if they don’t do this desperate deed, what is going to befall them. In other words, what makes them this desperate to cross this line? The idea of a Hollywood big shot being kidnapped has been explored in several known films, so I’d make sure that you make sure the producer reading your query letter immediately sees that you have a BRAND NEW TAKE on this concept or, he/she will quickly say “been done done before” and discard. Your tagline is good, but the “dream turns to nightmare” has been seen and utilized too many times and I suggest you consider a new version of how to say it. In short, make sure a producer reading your query quickly quickly senses this is something unique to the point that they want to know more. I also suggest you write your synopsis with the same tone your script is in. Is there a way to make it less like reportage and more “get ready for a bumpy and humorous and imaginative ride”?
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Most welcome. Or as an Aussie might put it: “Beauty, mate.”
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Sounds good, Elizabeth. I’m glad I came back and saw your message.
My email address is dougcoleh@msn.com
I like how you’re setting this up.
Douglas Herman
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Philip, I think you may have just hit on the title: “Killer koalas”! The title shouts comedy to me. Also, to make it absolutely clear about the humorous tone, you might consider an adjusted tag line to pull in the producer even more such as…
KILLER KOALAS
“Real or hoax? Now they wish they never found out.” Something like that. lol
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Mark, I’d like to read your script.
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Now, THAT’S “phone prepared”! lol
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Gordon, your historical logline is engaging and a provocative concept for a film. I suggest you think “condense” and “tighten,” striving to get your concept across more concisely. If I was reading your query letter as a producer, I wouldn’t favor the alphabetical listing for your synopsis. I would want to know quickly what your story is about and who your main character is and what drives him/her personally besides the historical fact of the courage shown by the company as a whole. I would watch out for any tendency to self-aggrandize and let your work speak for itself. You want a producer to immediately think, “THIS is the kind of writer I want to work with.” “Glory” comes to mind and it might be a film you equate yours with.
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Leland, I think you’re on the right road, but I think your road needs more specifics in order to draw in a producer. I don’t get a sense of who this cop lady is except that she’s big and athletic and apparently driven. But I don’t know what her overarching goal is and what’s important to her. Since your genre is thriller, I suggest to write your synopsis to embody that much more. “Scare the producer”. Let your query reader feel the “thrill of the ride”.
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Karen, love the title. Nothing like alliteration to get our attention. I like how you got across how quirky your teen is. What she’s actually up against is not as clear as I would wish and I’m not fully comprehending what she wants in a tangible way, what she’s willing to sacrifice to get it. I love quirky, but I don’t sense the story engine is revving enough. I suggest you let the producer get a better sense of how not only quirky and different she is, but also how accessible she is to an audience and why they would love her and cheer her on through all her ordeals.
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Philip, love the original concept: humorous film about a hoax. I would “smash it” even more with a provocative, tight logline up front. I would just call your buddies inept with no softening with an “also are”. They’re most likely bumblers and I wouldn’t shy away from letting it be known. Let the producer get a sense of what the movie is right away and get him/her to “fall in love” with your two inept characters. I suggest you adjust the title as it causes a bit of a pause since very few people know about drop bears. The “Watch Out” part is very clever because we know that warning sign well. I also you move the part about this being a true hoax played by Aussie’s up to the beginning of your query. Possibly, it could help to write your synopsis in a way that shows off more of your comedic writing talent. If you can get a producer to actually be chuckling before they’ve finished your query, your chances for a request can only heighten. For flavor, you might even throw in a few Aussie slang words, giving the producer the sensation that he’s already “inside your movie”.
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I’m honored, Cara, that my words can be of assistance.
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Mark, I want to see your movie! lol. Seriously. Your tagline is fabulous. Your query letter is tight and engaging. This is definitely a superlative example of “less is more”. “High concept” radiates from your letter. And, as a producer, I would want to know the “more”. (And great title!) Your query letter lets the producer easily “see” your movie. I would think your query letter would prompt many “Send me the script” replies.
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The challenging journey of a poet: what an interesting concept for a film, Cara. I would consider a title that indicates the main dramatic aspect of this poet’s journey and dilemma, a title that charges us emotionally and pulls us in such as “Shakespeare in Love,” for example. A movie about Van Gogh is “Lust for Life”. I would suggest a sharper, shorter tagline, one that cuts to the heart of your poet protagonist. Inspiration is important, but I, as a producer, I would want to know what that sought and found inspiration would bring your hero and how would it change his life in a way that I could see and feel on the screen.
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Phyllis, what a refreshing concept. I enjoy films about shows. “Shows within shows” can be very engaging. Your letter makes it clear that your script is an intelligent, thought-provoking, and potentially emotional story. I would put your most engaging selling points up front and present them with even more deliberateness and clarity. I suggest that keep out of your introduction “actors in mind” details (leave that for your wrap-up) and anything else that gets in the way of the producer being able to clearly visualize your movie concept in your opening. I say “drop” your queried producer immediately into your African environs and immediately into your story and the angst and tension and the stakes involved for your protagonist and your main characters.
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Catchy title, Stephen. I immediately wanted to know what your script was about, and your tight synopsis “showed me the movie” quickly. You might consider mentioning films that have the same sensibility just in case the producer needs a “refresh”. (Several movies of this niche came to mind and I think it could help.) I would, however, avoid indicating that your script or villain(s) are superior to anybody else’s and let it and them stand on their own merit. (I’m sure you wouldn’t want a producer who may have been involved directly or indirectly with, say, one of the CHUCKY projects read this. Or even a producer who highly favors Chucky. Or even Iago. lol.
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Great sports genre concept, Thomas. A dramatic hockey exploration could definitely attract producers. What grabbed my eye was “ROCKY OF HOCKEY”. I wanted to know more immediately. I would suggest to “keep grabbing” the reader of of your query letter and make sure your inciting incident and hook are even clearer and that the reader of your letter is continually engaged by the mounting obstacles for your protagonist.
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Really like the logline and original concept, Jeff: a doctor killing. Love the incongruity. I would suggest you put at least one adjective with the doctor in the logline to give an idea who this doctor is. Possibly the adjective could add to the irony you’ve already created.